# Pity sex



## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

My husband told me last night that he wished I was the same woman I was when we first got married and that he feels all I give him is pity sex anymore. Then today he gives my shoulders a rub, but starts fondling my boobs. And it was kind of off putting. I thought he was trying to be nice, but all it was, was an attempt to have sex. 

Most days I feel like I'm in a cloud/fog. I'm tired and I work hard to keep my home and child cared for. I don't think you can ever go back to the person you were in the past due to evolving and learning and growing as an adult. 

Not sure how to take all of this and what to do?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Be careful to keep your husband as a priority. It sounds like he is low on your list.

People can keep it going. My wife loves my advances and attention and we are into our 24th year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

My problem is I do everything and have no energy and when I do its few and far between. I never get out of the house. I have no friends to talk to. It's very lonely. I get so tired of trying. Everything seems endless.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is he holding up his end of the responsibilities? He should do something nice once in a while to just to be supportive and show that your a priority, just like you should show him that sometimes he is a priority. Long term relationship need hard work to thrive. You no longer have the romantic notions before heading into a mature relationship, but you do need spark to keep the relationship from going to platonic. It could devolve from lovers to friends to room mates if things do not change. Marriage is just a status, and the relationship portion could fade away without intimacy, romance, and excitement. Sure, he should give you a shoulder rub without expecting sex, and if he is not helping out enough, he should change that also. On the other hand, you do need time to act like a couple, otherwise your just two parents with a child. That does not make you a couple, but responsible parents.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If he is not holding up his end, then you need to talk to him, or communicate in a healthy manner. Don't be accusatory, but ask for help. Tell him about how stress you are. He is your partner, and should help with the burden. I recommend marriage counseling if he does not change his tune. If things do not change, he may not be marriage material and love does not make someone something that they are not.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

macrane06032011 said:


> My problem is I do everything and have no energy and when I do its few and far between. I never get out of the house. I have no friends to talk to. It's very lonely. I get so tired of trying. Everything seems endless.



One child saps you of all your energy?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

macrane06032011 said:


> My husband told me last night that he wished I was the same woman I was when we first got married and that he feels all I give him is pity sex anymore. Then today he gives my shoulders a rub, but starts fondling my boobs. And it was kind of off putting. I thought he was trying to be nice, but all it was, was an attempt to have sex.
> 
> Most days I feel like I'm in a cloud/fog. I'm tired and I work hard to keep my home and child cared for. I don't think you can ever go back to the person you were in the past due to evolving and learning and growing as an adult.
> 
> Not sure how to take all of this and what to do?


The man was telling you he doesn't feel loved and he doesn't feel that you sexually desire him. 

If you were starving and asking your husband for food, would it impress you if your husband did a great job mowing the lawn? 

*"I'm tired and I work hard to keep my home and child cared for.*"

You are tired from tending to your priorities. They are your's and not necessarily his. If you tell your husband you are hungry, you expect food. If you tell him you are cold, you expect warmth. If you are sick and send him to the pharmacy, if he comes back without meds but brags that he got your car washed are you going to be happy with him? 

When that house is sold following a divorce, will the next owners be bragging about how clean you kept it? Considering the very best predictor of great academic performance, economic stability, and lower rates of juvenile delinquency is a father's presence in the home, taking care of a kid's father would seem to be a pretty vital part of taking care of a kid. It might even be the very most important part. 

If your husband is basically begging you for sex, you've got a pretty significant problem. If you are too tired to tend to those needs, where would you like for him to go to have them met? 
You may have better things to do with your time but the world is full of women who will make the time.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Read some other posts,
Are you still on your meds? First step would be to go back to the Dr and figure out something that will work better for you. Being in a fog, feeling overwhelmed, it doesn't sound like the meds are working right.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

john117 said:


> One child saps you of all your energy?


She was born 9 weeks premature.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> The man was telling you he doesn't feel loved and he doesn't feel that you sexually desire him.
> 
> If you were starving and asking your husband for food, would it impress you if your husband did a great job mowing the lawn?
> 
> ...



So I'm supposed to stop taking care of my child and home so he can have sex with me? Yes it is vital that both parents raise the child. And I wish the medicine didn't make me feel so damn tired. It's kind of hard to have energy when you are doing 99.999% of the child care and home care and your husband goes bowling and has fun when he wants to. I have no one to hang out with or talk to. I barely get out of the house maybe 2 times a month.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

macrane06032011 said:


> . I barely get out of the house .



Why?


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Because my husband works all the time and he has the car and where we just moved to, I have no family or friends down here.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How tired do you thing you'll be when you're a single mother?


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How tired do you thing you'll be when you're a single mother?


Probably just as tired if not more....but you are saying my husband is going to leave me because I'm not having as much sex with him like we used to. Wow where did morality go?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How tired do you thing you'll be when you're a single mother?


A tad unfair. Doesn't sound like she is getting much support. A marriage is of two people, both helping and supporting the other. Wants/needs/desires can and should be met but not if one partner is living life and having fun while the other is struggling.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

macrane06032011 said:


> She was born 9 weeks premature.



Ok, that does change things a lot. I would say that your girl should be your first and last priority and if your husband has to cook bricks for dinner, or watch the Kardashians instead of sex so be it. 

Reach out to support. My brother was born at 7 months, nearly 60 years ago. In Stone Age Europe. And she was alone with my father in the army (*). Things will get better. Keep an eye at the end of the tunnel. My daughters are in college right now and are far harder to deal with than when they were babies 

Build up your support network in your new place and if your husband tells you anything remind him who is Número Uno in the house! Establish some ground rules. This isn't a colicky baby or an annoying toddler (had both). This is a special situation that should challenge you and bring you closer together to do your best for your girl. There will be time for passion. Ask him to be patient. 

(*) my brother did fine... Unfortunately my parents told me I was a far more challenging baby than he ever was...


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Thank you very much! Our daughter is a handful and we have had challenges especially with eating. She just turned one a few weeks ago and you couldn't even tell she was 9 weeks early. But I work with her every single day. I lost a child before and I didn't want to lose her too. You know? When our daughter first came home, I was getting 2.5 hours of sleep at night and my husband never bothered to offer to help out with her. I've communicated to him on many occasions that I need more help around the house and with her and he has been getting better, but after a year of basically being mommy and daddy, its been draining.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Holland said:


> A tad unfair. Doesn't sound like she is getting much support. A marriage is of two people, both helping and supporting the other. Wants/needs/desires can and should be met but not if one partner is living life and having fun while the other is struggling.



It sounds like she's completely deprioritized her husband. And she's making lame excuses to justify it. One baby. People have been doing this since the beginning of time. 

Anyway, I think it's perfectly natural normal and expected for a person who gets de prioritized to start detaching and checking out. It's really just a matter of how long and how far he can be pushed. It's not about fair, it's about forewarning and giving her a chance to step up before it's too late.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Op, ask yourself who sounds more like your husband on this thread. I'm trying to give you insight into his thinking.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

But he has totally deprioritised her and his child. Would you advise him to step up as well or is this just about the woman having to put out no matter what?


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It sounds like she's completely deprioritized her husband. And she's making lame excuses to justify it. One baby. People have been doing this since the beginning of time.
> 
> Anyway, I think it's perfectly natural normal and expected for a person who gets de prioritized to start detaching and checking out. It's really just a matter of how long and how far he can be pushed. It's not about fair, it's about forewarning and giving her a chance to step up before it's too late.


You have to be kidding me right? Everything he wants to do or needs he gets 99.99% of the time and there were times in the last 6 months I just had sex with him to satisfy his needs not my own. He gets every ounce of energy I can spare. Oh and I forgot to mention while I was taking care of our 9 week premature baby, I was caring for his father that had dementia that lived with us and I would bathe, feed, and care for him as well. Oh and my husband didn't help with him either. But hey that's an excuse to cheat on your spouse right especially when she is taking care of everyone but herself and doesn't even shower but every 5 days.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Holland said:


> But he has totally deprioritised her and his child. Would you advise him to step up as well or is this just about the woman having to put out no matter what?



He's not here. Send me his email and I'll have a talking with him too.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He's not here. Send me his email and I'll have a talking with him too.


Why don't you just write here what you would say to him, maybe the OP could show him then.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You are the only one who can change your situation. Don't shoot the messenger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The snarky cheap shots will not help this young woman looking for help. Read carefully, she is a human being asking for help. The fact that she is not having sex with her husband is no reason for the lack of empathy and compassion. Sex is not more important than a taking care of a premie and getting an overwhelmed woman though a bad period in her life. For sure she is an easy target but have a damn heart. 

I'm sorry you have so much on your shoulders Macra. I remember how hard it was when I had my daughter and she was full term. So I know it's hard with a premie. How is the baby doing? Bless him/her. It's wonderful that you are reaching out for help. It shows that you love and care about your husband but you do not know how to meet all the many obligations that you have now. 

I have not read your other post M. can you give a short version about what is going on? In the meantime, calm yourself and take care of the baby. That's where your energy should be expended for the time being. I am certain your husband has you and your child as a priority before any other consideration. 

You will get there. The overwhelmed feeling is temporary. Take it a day at a time, OK?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Have a premature baby is a very scary thing. I hope your daughter is doing well. Our first child was born 8 weeks early and she is now a healthy 19 year old.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Have a premature baby is a very scary thing. I hope your daughter is doing well. Our first child was born 8 weeks early and she is now a healthy 19 year old.


She is, thank you for asking. I lost a child back in 2012 and it was so heartbreaking. We couldn't get pregnant for 2 years and our daughter was not expected. She is a miracle and I put every bit of energy I can into her everyday.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

macrane06032011 said:


> So I'm supposed to stop taking care of my child and home so he can have sex with me? Yes it is vital that both parents raise the child. And I wish the medicine didn't make me feel so damn tired. It's kind of hard to have energy when you are doing 99.999% of the child care and home care and your husband goes bowling and has fun when he wants to. I have no one to hang out with or talk to. I barely get out of the house maybe 2 times a month.


Will continuing on your present course of action likely produce anything you'd want? If you are doing things a certain way and you aren't liking the results, wouldn't it make more sense to change as opposed to defending your current course? 

If your husband is going to work and paying bills, you aren't doing 99.999% of the child care and home care. Part of that is financially supporting the family. By your own admission, he also works hard and long. That sounds closer to a 50/50 arrangement to me and both partners should give each other due respect for their important contributions.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Will continuing on your present course of action likely produce anything you'd want? If you are doing things a certain way and you aren't liking the results, wouldn't it make more sense to change as opposed to defending your current course?
> 
> If your husband is going to work and paying bills, you aren't doing 99.999% of the child care and home care. Part of that is financially supporting the family. By your own admission, he also works hard and long. That sounds closer to a 50/50 arrangement to me and both partners should give each other due respect for their important contributions.


Totally agree.

Using the same line of thought, both of them deserve a bit of a life as well, not just him. Sounds like some real rebalancing needs to be done by both of them.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Op, ask yourself who sounds more like your husband on this thread. I'm trying to give you insight into his thinking.


You see this is how it works. It's crunch time in this marriage. This mans wife is in crisis. Now she gets to see what he is made of. Can he give her want she needs or is it all about him? Sometimes one person in a relationship needs more than the other. It is not 50:50 all of the time. The spit is different depending upon what going on. It should add up to roughly 50:50 in aggregate over the long haul. 

In a good relationship, you give to your partner with no questions at the time they need. No thought of what's in it for me. When it is her turn to give, she will have no problem because she will remember how he stepped up when she was in need. 

She does not need any insight into his feeling right now. She is in crisis and she is the one who needs his help to sort herself out. It's give and take, right now she is the needy one and he needs to man up and support his wife. That takes a long view though. If that means no sex for now then he needs to do what it takes. It takes a mature man who is thinking ahead, thinking of his child and wife more than a temporary lack of sex. 

This is an important juncture in many marriages. This is when many woman lose their desire to have sex with their husbands. For some, it may be less hormonal and more the perception of the maturity and empathy she perceives. If he expects her to go the extra mile for him, he had better do his best now. She and his child really need him now.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> The snarky cheap shots will not help this young woman looking for help. Read carefully, she is a human being asking for help. The fact that she is not having sex with her husband is no reason for the lack of empathy and compassion. She maintains her status as a living feeling being even when she is not having sex.
> 
> Sex is not more important than a taking care of a premie and getting an overwhelmed woman though a bad period in her life. For sure she is an easy target but have a damn heart. If you need a whipping post, go and kick someone who can tell you to go fVck yourselves, like the person you are angry with and get off this thread.
> 
> ...



Thank you very kindly for your compassion! And yes our daughter, Vivian is doing very very well. And yes I do love my husband very much. Snarky posts don't bother me, but facts are facts and if they choose to not read them then that's on them.

Long story short for 2013 to 2014:

Found out pregnant in July 2013.
Put on medical leave from working August of 2013.
Entire pregnancy was high risk and water broke in December 2013.
Baby was due March 2014.
Baby born 9 weeks early January 2014
I had two teeth removed and two drilled in February 2014. 
We got a new car February 2014
Moved March 2014
Husband changed jobs April 2014
Found out my husband has diabetes April 2014
I had my gallbladder removed May 2014
Found a house to buy in early June 2014
Father in law that lived with us was given 6 to 8 months to live with progressed dementia
Husband lost his job June 2014
Husband got new job July 2014
Got on anti depressants and a sedative on my birthday in September 2014.
Signed on house September 2014
Moved to new house October 2014
Father in law died a week later October 2014
My uncle passed on December 2014.

That's how my entire last year has been. I cared for our daughter, my father in law, and my husband with no help and couldn't take care of myself. Again I appreciate the compassion from some, and those that lack it and doesn't understand the situation I've been in for the last year quite frankly can kiss my behind. I've taught myself how to crochet and knit recently to give myself something to do and help bring in some extra income into the home. I was an accountant before I had the baby. I have my BS in accounting and almost my masters in accountancy and finance management. My husband is also doing school as well with everything else we have going on. I have a full plate. I love that fact my husband and I have built a secure life for our daughter, but all the other stress can be quite taxing at times and it doesn't leave me with a desire to hop in bed and ****. When we can take our time and I'm not worried about the baby the sex is great, but most of the time we have to have "quickies" and I've told my husband what would work best and he still doesn't listen, so what do I do?


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

intheory said:


> marcane,
> 
> If you had included the info about losing a baby, having a preemie and caring for a father-in-law who had dementia; that would have changed how people perceived your situation.
> 
> ...


Thank you and I agree with some of what you said. No we are not planning to have any other children right now. And yes we need to work our romantic relationship out more, and I have communicated to him several times what is going on and he isn't getting it. I'm being as upfront as you can be about it. And I am not offended by your opinion/advice. I thank you for a different point of view and train of thought.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hasn't your husband shared all the stressors you've listed as well as some you may not even know about? Additionally, he gets to feel 100% of the weight of responsibility for providing for his family, having changed jobs twice within a year in this job market. You both have endured a lot in the last two years but that's how life sometimes is. When it rains, it pours. The bottom line is one can be right or one can be married. 
Whatever stress has been put on you both, adding a divorce or an affair to that list isn't going to improve things. His throwing down at work isn't going to mean much if he loses everything in a divorce. Whatever else is going on, the relationship has got to be a priority for both of you or all this working, worrying, stressing, knitting, is going to be for a bunch of nothing. The new car will be gone, the new house will be gone, and the world gets one more divorced single mom to add to the existing millions. 
Even if you are stressed or tired there are ways you can express appreciation, respect, and love for your husband and it's really pretty important to your future and for your child that you do. There are no good guys and bad guys in marriage. There are couples who make it work and there those who fail. If your goal is for him to treat you with more respect, appreciation, and affection, it would make sense for you to make him feel loved, respected, and appreciated. If he gets hassled and rejected at home, it's more likely he'll spend more time bowling or doing whatever outside the home. If home is where his biggest fan club is, that's where he'll spend most of his free time. 
He's probably never cared for a baby full time. You've probably never shouldered 100% of the financial responsibility of an entire family before. 
I understand you're often tired for sex. What do you do only for your husband to express love for him? The heart has a short memory and it doesn't assume anything good. It needs frequent reminders. You deserve them, too, but you're the one on this forum, so you get the advise. It does seem that if I treat my wife poorly, she responds by treating me poorly and when I go out of my wife to be appreciative and loving, she's nicer in return. Funny how that works.
If someone's labor was making it possible for me to stay home with my baby, to have a new car, have a new house, provide a place for my elderly relative to live, that would seem like a pretty good person to me. You haven't had to saddle up and go to work for 17 months? There are probably times you miss it, but isn't it also kinda great that you've got a guy who trudges off to work every day?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

macrane...would you be willing to bring your husband here? I was thinking if you have your real picture as your avatar, you must not be that worried about anonymity, right?

It would be great if people could tell him the things we are saying here, about how to share the household duties and child care and parental care stuff....


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
could you give an idea of your typical schedule and your husband's typical schedule in a day. 

Its difficult for people to tell if the work is divided fairly or not so you are getting advice that is all over the map.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

You mentioned in another thread about your weight and that a lone would make anyone tired all the time. Throw in some libido-killing, energy draining antidepressants and it is no surprise that you're a walking zombie. I think those two things are the main problem with your energy level. I sympathize with your situation, but like others have said, these problems aren't going to magically disappear if you get caught up in a "blame" game.
As far as the shower comment, it would be torture for me to go more than 2 days, much less 5 and there are a lot of ways to remedy that situation. As long as your daughter is in the bathroom with you, for easy access, even right next to the shower, there shouldn't be a problem?
As far as fear that your husband will be justified in cheating on you, there is no such thing. If you really love someone, you won't cheat, it's as simple as that. There are tons of spouses on here that have gone years without sex, without cheating for that reason. If he gets that horny, he can pound one out in the bathroom. I was cheated on in my first marriage, so my opinion on cheaters is strong.
Hope I gave you something to think about and hang in there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sometimes, what we ask for isn't really what we're asking for. Though he phrases it as "sex" what he's probably asking for is intimacy, appreciation, validation, and affection. I complain on here about lack of sex, too, but my main complaint is feeling unappreciated, isolated, taken for granted. All sorts of things other than sex can improve my outlook. I love it when she brings me a cup of coffee or comes to me for a kiss. Takes a few seconds of her time but it means a whole lot. If you're not already doing it, maybe getting up, having a little couple breakfast time, maybe stick a nice note in his lunch bag. Bragging about him to other people (when he can hear it) is a big ego boost for most guys. When you complain about not having help around the house, maybe what you really are upset about is him not showing an interest in things that are important to you or that he gets time away from home while you feel stuck. Maybe you're a little jealous cause his friends get more of his fun time than you do. If he understood that you miss him when he's gone and having him there makes you feel like he gives a damn, maybe he'd respond better. That's just another way of telling him he's important to you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you own a TV? Get rid of it and work out.

Take your daughter for long power walks.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

intheory said:


> marcane,
> 
> If you had included the info about losing a baby, having a preemie and caring for a father-in-law who had dementia; that would have changed how people perceived your situation.
> 
> ...


I'm going to challenge that statement, using my marriage as an example. There are all sorts of things that need to be done in the home that will extend well past an 8 - 5 job. Since I work out of the house, I have a good handle on what my wife does during the day.

During the week from 8 - 5, I do nothing around the house while she has it all (unless we're double booked for Dr. appointments, which is rare). After 5 pm, we share the household responsibilities and parenting. Seems to work for us just fine.

The fact that the OP had to care for her husband's father without any help from him is completely unacceptable. There is no reason why she can't simply take the car and go out by herself at least once/week while he tends to his child and his father.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

OP you are not taking care of yourself, like others are saying. Take the baby for long walks like others mentioned, you have to get out of the house and get some excersize. You cannot control anyone but yourself. You can choose to feel better.

As far as sex, you have to understand sex for a man is more than just the act. There are a number of very real reasons why sex is crucial in a marriage. Read this Sex Is a Physical Need | Focus on the Family it really outlines why witholding sex from your man is really, really awful.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Macrane...I feel for both you and your husband.

You may be jealous that he has a 'life' outside the home because he is working, he may be jealous of you because you are at home bonding with your daughter.

When my wife was pregnant we joined a 'National Childbirth Trust' group....basically couples who (well the wives were!) all at the same stage of pregnancy. Sixteen years on we are still in close touch with 2 of the couples. When the babies were born - all within 4 weeks of each other - the mums got together, helped each other etc.
Please contact your local maternity hospital as I'm sure theer will be local support groups you can join etc.

I think every man knows that for the first three months of baby's life, baby comes before anyone else and rightly so. 

But remember that before you were a mother you were YOU, then your husbands wife and lover then a mother. Sometimes being a mother is more important than being a lover, sometimes having YOU time is more important but ALL are equally important.
Sex is very important to a man...it shows we are loved, wanted etc and its how we show our love to our spouse.

We we were at your stage, I would come home after my shift, my wife would hand our son over to me and go have her time, sleep etc saying that she had had a rough day with baby.
Hang on, I've had a rough day too, earning money to support the family.

What I'm saying is that your 'job' is at home, his job is at work...you BOTH need down time to sleep, chill, have YOU time.

Believe me, things might look bad now but they DO get better but you must both remember that you are partners and lovers too.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Some good advice on the last page. Catherine has the right idea too. Couple of thoughts. It's been a year, with all that has happened and a new baby what you are feeling is pretty understandable and by all means the hubby should be understanding and stepping up as much as possible so I lay some of this on him as well. 

However, in the next year you need to be coming out of this because honey 2, 3 and 4 year olds don't get much easier either. You really need to engage your doctor on the depression issue and if the GP isn't cutting it go to a specialist. Your husbands feelings are a little premature, he SHOULD be more understanding, but they are NOT outrageous. If in another year or two you are still in the same place mentally and between the two of you it will be a crisis. The no friends thing drives me a little nuts as well, maybe this needs to wait until your depression is being treated a little better but go make some friends. Find a support group for young moms, there must be one and there are plenty of folks with the same sort of issues and social needs I would think.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Hasn't your husband shared all the stressors you've listed as well as some you may not even know about? Additionally, he gets to feel 100% of the weight of responsibility for providing for his family, having changed jobs twice within a year in this job market. You both have endured a lot in the last two years but that's how life sometimes is. When it rains, it pours. The bottom line is one can be right or one can be married.
> Whatever stress has been put on you both, adding a divorce or an affair to that list isn't going to improve things. His throwing down at work isn't going to mean much if he loses everything in a divorce. Whatever else is going on, the relationship has got to be a priority for both of you or all this working, worrying, stressing, knitting, is going to be for a bunch of nothing. The new car will be gone, the new house will be gone, and the world gets one more divorced single mom to add to the existing millions.
> Even if you are stressed or tired there are ways you can express appreciation, respect, and love for your husband and it's really pretty important to your future and for your child that you do. There are no good guys and bad guys in marriage. There are couples who make it work and there those who fail. If your goal is for him to treat you with more respect, appreciation, and affection, it would make sense for you to make him feel loved, respected, and appreciated. If he gets hassled and rejected at home, it's more likely he'll spend more time bowling or doing whatever outside the home. If home is where his biggest fan club is, that's where he'll spend most of his free time.
> He's probably never cared for a baby full time. You've probably never shouldered 100% of the financial responsibility of an entire family before.
> ...


:iagree:

He is communicating what he is missing. Sex and emotional connection from it. You need to be clear about what you're missing as well.


I liked and agree with in theory's advice. Carve out some date time. You don't have to go out to do that. Stay in but get cleaned up, don't stay in pj's. Order pizza, play a game, talk watch a movie then have sex. When I had little ones back to back we stayed in but made date night every single Saturday night. I thought it was a blast and required nothing more than some planning and some energy. If you get too tired to have sex after watching a movie then have sex first and then snuggle under a blanket and watch


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Having a baby and taking care of your child is more stressful than a regular job, I get it. When you leave a job and go home, usually the job responsibilities end there. But a child, a baby is nearly a job where you are on call 24/7. Plus unlike a regular job, you have a person's life in your hands that is totally reliant on you for survival. It is more stressful being a mother than working a job for those reasons. You need to shift some of that responsibility on him sometimes, on a babysitter, close friend, and family. In fact, the more rested and stress relief you feel, will help make you a better mother. It will give you energy. Your husband not helping his ailing father is a definite no-no. He should have a hand in helping out his own father. You need to communicate to him what you need. He may have to sacrifice some of his free time. He should do things without receiving something in return. Same goes for you also.

to be honest, I prefer working over doing house chores any day. At work, I have people to interact with and doing house chores is less rewarding. I rather go to work than do dishes, watch a child, clean bathrooms, cook meals, vacuum, and etc. Taking care of a home is usually a less rewarding experience. I think he expects you to take care of all home life, take care of his needs when he gets home, appreciate him for his job, and let him go out with his friends. He takes you for granted. He is not meeting your needs in support, helping out when he is around, and expecting you to drop everything to see to his needs. You take for granted him working and being stressed. In terms of amount of stress, you carry more than he does. You need to find a way to offset some of that stress. Make him take care of his own father. If he wants him there, he should take majority responsibility for it. On the weekends, make him babysit while you go out during the day. At night, get a babysitter or a friend to help out. Do the same for the friend in return. And, communicate,communicate, communicate.

Did you talk to him about you taking care of his ailing father , and him putting that responsibility mostly on you. Or did you let him place most the responsibility on you for that without saying a word. Sure it was a d1ck move, but you need to stand up for yourself. You have to be an advocate for your own voice. Chances are, he is not going to take you into consideration before he pulls something like that. You need a healthy amount of sleep to, so find ways of getting more sleep. At night, make him go and see his child also. Make it an every other day thing. One day you wake up and see what the baby needs, and the other day, he should wake up. In erms of total hours of actual work, you probably have him beat.

As much as people tell you how sex is important to a man, emotional support, and help is also important to a woman. If he wants sex, you both have to relieve some of your stress. Everytime he does something nice, he should not always expect sex in return.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

macrane06032011 said:


> She was born 9 weeks premature.


I brought up two children from babies on my own. Yes, it's tiring, but bringing up children is a great adventure. It's fun and very rewarding and the most important thing you can do in your life. However, I still found time for myself and for boyfriends. I had plenty of sex, a great sex life with several different partners over the years. No - they did not live with me - I didn't think that would be appropriate. I didn't want a man who was not their parent having any say in the way in which they were raised.

As a single mother, I enjoyed a brilliant sex life over the years. Ironically, since my marriage two years ago, I have become practically celibate due to my H's absent sex drive.

You don't need to stop taking care of your child and your home so he can have sex with you. You are lucky that he does want sex with you (I know how it feels to have a husband that doesn't want sex with me and, believe me, it sucks). You and your husband are partners in life and enjoying a healthy sex life is an essential component of a healthy marriage.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Being new to town and a SAHM can be very isolating. If I were you/something I did was find as much mom and tot/mom and baby activities and groups in my town. Many were in a fifteen to twenty minute walking distance from my home. One required one bus ride once a week. 

They helped me a lot just getting out of the house and going outside. It was bonding for my child and I. I made a lot of friends and got to talk to real adult people instead of just cooing at my child. In fact, he is two now and I still do activities twice a week with him and go to a drop in center once a week with him since it's the winter and cold where I live. 

Personally, doing things that help improve my mood - make me feel good on the inside is a big part of the cure when I feel overwhelmed. When you're tackling a lot (and you are, by golly your 2014 was hard) so was my 2012 as I was seperated and caring for a newborn alone) it is much easier to deal with when you are not battling depression. Do things to ease your depression and other things will be easier to put into place.

Tackle the isolation. Tackle the exercise and tackle the showering. I think those are three things you can do RIGHT NOW.

Check your libraries, community centers, gyms (if you have a YMCA or something similar), social services department (no, not child services) but social services to see if they have any early learning/development programs and activities you can sign yourself and tot up for to get you and her out of the house. Where I live, there is practically a free activity to do everyday if you're so inclined and drop-in centres on top of that. 

Many gyms and pools have cheap days or free days or even subsidized membership plans if money is an issue - of course this varies but is worth looking up. I enrolled both of my sons in swimming lessons very cheaply at the YMCA when my youngest was only 4 months old. It was one of my better choices because once he was used to the water, I just floated him on a raft while I did lanes for exercise. Of course, many gyms offer child-minding too.

As for showers, I think hubby can watch your daughter in the evening while you hop in the shower. Or shower during her naps or as a last resort, (make sure bathroom is clean and child-proofed of course) just bring her in the bathroom while you shower. A blanket and a few toys on the floor while I sing and make stupid faces can still keep my 2 year old occupied when I'm in a hurry or he didn't nap and need to shower. I think under three/four is totally fine for them to see you naked. It's not like they really notice or care. 

So yeah, tackle the isolation. Tackle the exercise and tackle the hygiene first. At least, that'd be my first plan. As I think being isolated, unhappy with my weight/tired and not active and dirty/unclean would make me feel really down and tired and is a big cause/contributor to the other issues. 

Hope that helped at least a little.


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## Blockhead (Jan 21, 2015)

Ok, this is my first post. I am a long time lurker. But I just had to join after reading this post. Macrane, I swear you and my wife were seperated at birth. No seriously. How can your issues with your marriage be almost exactly what I have gone through with my wife. I am going to share my personal experience with my wife and maybe give a little insite into what your husband is thinking, why....because I was your husband.
First thing, I am so glad you are striving to be the best mom you can be, and taking care of your daughter. Your daughter is very blessed to have a mom like you. May I ask, what was your parents like growing up? Were they happy, Divorced, ect. Just give a little insight.
I am agreeing with most of the posters here. They all are very smart when it comes to relationships. Heed there advice. My wife is also a SAHM. We have been married for 10 years. We have 3 girls. Our oldest has some medical issues that have been really stressful on our relationship. After she was born I pretty much got kicked to the curb. My wife prioritys, even to this day are: 1. Kids 2. Clean house. 3. husband(me). How degrading to a husband can that be. Do not make those your prioritys.......ever!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Let this be a lesson to men.

If you are giving your wife a back massage in order to relax her and make her feel cared for....Don't Go For The Reach Around Titty Grab!


God how stupid! You struggle with your sex drive and you H thinks a titty grab is gonna wake you up? Fellas that only work on women who HAVE a sex drive, not on women who don't. If she isn't already turned on, grabbing her boobs is just going to piss her off 

Macrane, get into therapy.

Read the books that are so often recommended here and make your H read them too. Neither of you are making the other a priority but while you spend your days caring for everyone else, and your H spends his days earning a living, neither of you are recharging each other. Until you feel recharged by your H, you're not gonna want to jump in bed.

And what happened to the 39 day sex challenge?

And why are you also posting about sex toys when you don't even want to have sex!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

800,000 Muslims Rally Against Charlie Hebdo in Chechnya – A Country of 1.3 Million People | The Gateway Pundit

41.5% of single women with kids are living in poverty, compared to 8.7% of married couples. If I were a woman, especially one dealing with health issues, I would be very motivated to make a marriage work, even if the guy wasn't the answer to all my prayers.


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## Blockhead (Jan 21, 2015)

I worked long hours. Two jobs, and was never home. I was too busy taking care of the finances and making sure there was food on the table. That was my job. That is still my job. But I have learned also that I need to be a good father. Daughters need a good mother, as much as the need a good father. Your husband needs to understand that. Kids grow up way to fast. Things parents teach to their children at a very young age will affect them for life. 

Listen, some husbands are well.......not smart when it comes to talking about relationships with their wife. Thats me. I wondering if your husband is a little like that. I feel much better texting my wife how i feel. Not that I am afraid of her, im just able to share more of my feeling with her. I would try to encourage that. Right now your husband does feel like is is on the back burner. Because you have put him there. But it is his fault!!!!!!!!! He need to man up and start realizing he has a family to take care of. You cannot change him. He can only change himself. Same with you. You can only change you. Do what others have said, workout, shower more, improve yourself. Over time, he will notice. Trust me. Action speak way louder than words. Get out more if possible, if not just be outside in your yard(weather permitting) doing something. Being indoors all the time is very depressing.

My wife is also on anti-depressants. They are the devil. It is my firm belief that other than infidelity, anti-depressants can be a divorce just waiting to happen. They screw you up bad. But some people do need them and I understand that. But the side affects will kill a marriage. I now live in a sexless marriage. One of the reasons is anti-depressants. Please for the sake of you and your husband get off them, or switch to a diffrent one that has less side effects.

As for sex. Well you faking or just having duty sex with him is just wrong......lm sorry. I hope you dont look as sex as on of your daily chores. Because to him, its not. Thats how he feels loved. But he also need to listen to your needs. I used to approch sex the same way your hubby does. I would show my wife zero affection unless I wanted some. Bad move on my part. It probably makes you feel like your some sex object, rather than a human being with feelings. Listen if I were to bust your husbands head open(i wont trust me) 10,0000 little hairy little snatches would come flying out. Thats how much a man thinks about sex. Even more when he hasnt had any for a while. He just wants to feel connected to you.

I would encourage you both to read MMSL. It is an eyeopener. It will give you some insight on what goes on in a mans head, and how he can improve his relationship with his wife, both sexually and non sexually. I also encourage you to read it. A lot of lessons taught in there can be applied to you also.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Let this be a lesson to men.
> 
> 
> God how stupid! You struggle with your sex drive and you H thinks a titty grab is gonna wake you up? Fellas that only work on women who HAVE a sex drive, not on women who don't. If she isn't already turned on, grabbing her boobs is just going to piss her off


Guess that's certainly true and logical but by the same token, don't starve a man and then expect them to exhibit great table manners. 

In her position, I believe I'd have to ask myself who had the most to lose in a divorce. Whoever has the most to lose probably ought to be the most motivated to keep the marriage together.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

28.7% of working single mothers are living in poverty, as opposed to only 8.7% of married couples. A job doesn't replace a husband. Lots of women thought they deserved better but what they ended up with was food stamps, inadequately supervised kids, and the need to continue working into their 80s.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> 28.7% of working single mothers are living in poverty, as opposed to only 8.7% of married couples. A job doesn't replace a husband. Lots of women thought they deserved better but what they ended up with was food stamps, inadequately supervised kids, and the need to continue working into their 80s.


That is interesting because I just do not see this IRL. All of the women around me are doing just fine after divorce and at least 3 of their ex husbands are in a mess because they are man/child types and cannot get their acts together.

Women tend to just get on with it after divorce, do what needs to be done for themselves and their kids.

We have a good system here with shared care being the preferred parenting arrangement, no alimony so you cant say women are taking men the the cleaners like a lot here whinge about. 
If anything it can be harder for men post divorce because they have to take responsibility for their kids 50% of the time and work full time. Women seem to be much better at doing this IME.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Your situation is hard, but so is your husband's.

You have your worries. He has his.

He worries about your child too. But he also has a whole other world of stress you never see. 

All he seems to want is to connect with you. But you are too tired.

How does it make you feel when he refuses to make time for you?

That is what you are doing to him.

Neither of you should do that. Both of you can do better.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> 28.7% of working single mothers are living in poverty, as opposed to only 8.7% of married couples. A job doesn't replace a husband. Lots of women thought they deserved better but what they ended up with was food stamps, inadequately supervised kids, and the need to continue working into their 80s.


Sounds like husbands should be wanting to work just as hard on their marriage to make sure that doesn't happen to his kids. Not to mention the child support and alimony that gets complained about. 

Divorce is hard, there's no doubt about that. Both people need to be working on the marriage for it to work. 

OP- I have depression, it became severe after the births of my kids.
Call your local woman's clinic or even hospital and ask if your town has depression support groups for Mothers. That gets you out of the house and support.

For home, how's your organization? Mine at that time was terrible. I had to write it all down, pick a few things to do that day and leave the rest. Crossing things off a list helped me feel I did something even though there was so much left to do. Flylady is also awesome when you're feeling frazzled. 

As for the relationship stuff, will he go to MC?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Guess that's certainly true and logical but by the same token, don't starve a man and then expect them to exhibit great table manners.
> 
> In her position, I believe I'd have to ask myself who had the most to lose in a divorce. Whoever has the most to lose probably ought to be the most motivated to keep the marriage together.


I think the chicken egg argument here is pointless. I think we both can agree that presently, neither macrane, nor her husband are feeling the love. 

The question is how to get it back, right? If you think spouting stats on poverty is gonna make her panties wet....LOL, don't think so. If you think playing the poor beleaguered husband card is going to do it, that's not likely either since she presently feels drained and disregarded.

She has to step up, but so does her husband.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> 800,000 Muslims Rally Against Charlie Hebdo in Chechnya – A Country of 1.3 Million People | The Gateway Pundit
> 
> 41.5% of single women with kids are living in poverty, compared to 8.7% of married couples. If I were a woman, especially one dealing with health issues, I would be very motivated to make a marriage work, even if the guy wasn't the answer to all my prayers.


You mean all of these women chose the cold hard life of poverty instead of a warm bed with the hubby? Either poverty is not that bad or the hubby is not that good. Or do you mean that she should let him mash her boobs ad lib so that she and her child don't find themselves out on the streets? You have a low opinion of her husband.

The fathers are equally as poor as the mother and child and that's that real problem. Men don't throw away their families when they don't get sex, they try very hard to fix the problem.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Blockhead said:


> Ok, this is my first post. I am a long time lurker. But I just had to join after reading this post. Macrane, I swear you and my wife were seperated at birth. No seriously. How can your issues with your marriage be almost exactly what I have gone through with my wife. I am going to share my personal experience with my wife and maybe give a little insite into what your husband is thinking, why....because I was your husband.
> First thing, I am so glad you are striving to be the best mom you can be, and taking care of your daughter. Your daughter is very blessed to have a mom like you. May I ask, what was your parents like growing up? Were they happy, Divorced, ect. Just give a little insight.
> I am agreeing with most of the posters here. They all are very smart when it comes to relationships. Heed there advice. My wife is also a SAHM. We have been married for 10 years. We have 3 girls. Our oldest has some medical issues that have been really stressful on our relationship. After she was born I pretty much got kicked to the curb. My wife prioritys, even to this day are: 1. Kids 2. Clean house. 3. husband(me). How degrading to a husband can that be. Do not make those your prioritys.......ever!


You said Macrane sounded like your wife. What can she do to communicate to her husband that she loves him but she needs his support. That support may be in the form of not asking to have quickies, or not touching sexually before she is aroused or just expressing some empathy and appreciation for her care of their child and his father. 

Of course her husband should feel that Macrane loves him. However, how do you get a person who is just running on empty to give even more? Scare her into thinking that she is disposable so she should earn her keep? 

Your input is invaluable. Where do two people with empty tanks get a jump start? The both need from each other. She has tried to have sex with him apparently, he is happy with quickies but she is not. It makes sense that they should not have them if it makes her less inclined to have sex. Slowly building on her willingness to have sex and catering to her need for sexual satisfaction seems to be a start. What do you think? 

You obviously love your wife and family and you are suffering even though you have been loyal. I would not want to see Macrane have a life where she grabs 1/2 of the happiness and love she has waiting for her. Can you come up with some suggestion that is equally as taxing for both of them? 

Macrane What little piece of this big issue would you like to handle first? What would yield the most success and give you the energy to bit off another piece? Would working on the relationship with your husband be a good place to start? We could help you with suggestions about how to approach him and what to say and do. At the same time, you can make sure that your meds are optimal and that you are taking them as you should. 

Write down the things that you need your husband to do. I have not read your previous post so I don't know what he does to handle his end of the work load but that would be a place to start.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

macrane06032011 said:


> Probably just as tired if not more....but you are saying my husband is going to leave me because I'm not having as much sex with him like we used to. Wow where did morality go?


How many hours a day does your husband work?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Op, ask yourself who sounds more like your husband on this thread. I'm trying to give you insight into his thinking.


If you have such great insight into what her husband is thinking, can your please tell us why he refuses to help her and leaves her to do all the child care, housework, etc?

She had surgery in the past year as well as seems to have depression.

So please tell her why her husband won't help parent or help in other ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

macrane06032011 said:


> .....I love that fact my husband and I have built a secure life for our daughter, but all the other stress can be quite taxing at times and it doesn't leave me with a desire to hop in bed and ****. When we can take our time and I'm not worried about the baby the sex is great, but most of the time we have to have "quickies" and *I've told my husband what would work best and he still doesn't listen*, so what do I do?


What did you tell him would work best?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> 28.7% of working single mothers are living in poverty, as opposed to only 8.7% of married couples. A job doesn't replace a husband. Lots of women thought they deserved better but what they ended up with was food stamps, inadequately supervised kids, and the need to continue working into their 80s.


Let the stats stand on their own. 

Adding commentary, i.e.) the stuff that starts with "Lots of women thought..." is fluff, it's misleading and it's offensive. The women in that stat (the 28.7% as opposed to the 71.3% that are in contrast doing just fine, well:


They may have left.

They may have _been _left.

They may have never been partnered (sperm donors).

They may have been raped (slim but happens).

They may have inherited children through circumstance (dead sibling, parent or other relative died and they were the Godparent). or;

They may have been widowed.

The stat is about single mothers. Their circumstances are unknown. Unless of course, you got that stat from a source that was collecting data solely on single mothers who left their husbands....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Guess that's certainly true and logical but by the same token, don't starve a man and then expect them to exhibit great table manners.
> 
> In her position, I believe I'd have to ask myself who had the most to lose in a divorce. Whoever has the most to lose probably ought to be the most motivated to keep the marriage together.


She does not have more to lose in a divorce than he does. I'm not sure why you think she does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> 28.7% of working single mothers are living in poverty, as opposed to only 8.7% of married couples. A job doesn't replace a husband. Lots of women thought they deserved better but what they ended up with was food stamps, inadequately supervised kids, and the need to continue working into their 80s.


If you are going to use the idea that the OP will be in poverty as a way to scare her, it's not going to work.

She's a accountant with as BS and almost have her MS is accounting and financial management. If she were divorced, she will not be living in poverty, she will not be on welfare or food stamps. 

While it's true that her husband has been working to support her and their child. It's also true that her husband has been very lucky to have a wife who could stay home and nurture HIS premature child. 

Not only that she took car of HIS father who suffered from dementia and was dying. She took care of HIS father with no help from her husband. Why exactly was she responsible 100% for the care of HIS father?

The OP is not a lot of women. What's the point of bringing up things that have no relevance to the OP's situation? To scare her? To make her feel like she has to accept everything on her husband's terms?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has a Master's Degree. She doesn't work because her depression is too debilitating. A degree isn't a job. You may find it offensive, but nearly 30% of single women are in poverty compared to 16% of single men. Even if her husband has to pay child support (30% of his income in my state), that leaves him with 70% to spend on himself whereas he probably currently spends less than 10% on himself. She does not have to work today. If he leaves, even with child support (assuming he willingly and regularly pays), she will have to. While married, even if her depression prevents her from ever working again, she still gets supported. As a single woman, should she be unable to work, she'd be in a pickle. Even if she could maintain gainful employment until retirement, she still is looking at nearly a 30% chance of being poor and her child will be still incur all the disadvantages of being raised in a single parent arrangement. Put lipstick on it all day, but divorce is generally more devastating to the woman and it's almost always most devastating to children. 
30% of a man's income for 18 years amounts to about 6 years of his income out of his life. Married, she gets the benefit of probably 40 years of his income plus maybe 30 years of his retirement, probably 100% of his death benefits, 100% of his life insurance, and 100% of his estate after he's gone. A reasonably decent husband is a pretty great deal for a woman, especially one who has children. 
I guess you'd have to ask the husband what benefits he's getting from the marriage. Most of the benefits a husband gets are intangibles and he's apparently not all that thrilled with those.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> My wife has a Master's Degree. She doesn't work because her depression is too debilitating. A degree isn't a job. You may find it offensive, but nearly 30% of single women are in poverty compared to 16% of single men. Even if her husband has to pay child support (30% of his income in my state), that leaves him with 70% to spend on himself whereas he probably currently spends less than 10% on himself. She does not have to work today. If he leaves, even with child support (assuming he willingly and regularly pays), she will have to. While married, even if her depression prevents her from ever working again, she still gets supported. As a single woman, should she be unable to work, she'd be in a pickle. Even if she could maintain gainful employment until retirement, she still is looking at nearly a 30% chance of being poor and her child will be still incur all the disadvantages of being raised in a single parent arrangement. Put lipstick on it all day, but divorce is generally more devastating to the woman and it's almost always most devastating to children.
> 30% of a man's income for 18 years amounts to about 6 years of his income out of his life. Married, she gets the benefit of probably 40 years of his income plus maybe 30 years of his retirement, probably 100% of his death benefits, 100% of his life insurance, and 100% of his estate after he's gone. A reasonably decent husband is a pretty great deal for a woman, especially one who has children.
> I guess you'd have to ask the husband what benefits he's getting from the marriage. Most of the benefits a husband gets are intangibles and he's apparently not all that thrilled with those.


Res Ipsa Loquitor.

I know this phrase is commonly applied in tort law but I still like the meaning which is, "the thing speaks for itself". What I was asking is that you let the stats speak for themselves. 

Unbelievable, as I said, I think people do themselves no justice when they add fluff to their stats. It was your personal commentary/opinion at the end of those stats that I took offense to. 

Matter of fact, this post in response to mine, specifically the sentence where you say, "You may find it offensive, but nearly 30% of single women are in poverty compared to 16% of single men...." How can you honestly expect me to listen and respond to that? Seriously, I never argued any offence to the STATS. That wasn't the issue here. Your embellishment or "fluff" as I called it, (which added the presumption that the single mother women in the statistics you had given, had all left their husbands) was. At best it was irresponsible. At worst, it was intellectually dishonest and misleading.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I guess you'd have to ask the husband what benefits he's getting from the marriage. Most of the benefits a husband gets are intangibles and he's apparently not all that thrilled with those.


He has a wife looking after their child, cleaning their home and cooking their food. He'll have the benefit of _her _income when she's back at work and a partner to raise their family with. 

There is value to that. A dollar figure is not all that matters. 

I made a choice once to be a broke single Mother. Took years before I was in a better place but it was the best choice of my life and 100% worth it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> My wife has a Master's Degree. She doesn't work because her depression is too debilitating. A degree isn't a job.


My ex doesn’t work despite his education and degrees because his depression is debilitating. It happens. It could happen to the OP’s husband just as it could happen to her. 

The fact is that she was working and supporting herself and contributing to household finances up until her pregnancy had difficulties. She perfectly capable of going back to work and earning a good living. She is as capable as her husband is.


unbelievable said:


> You may find it offensive, but nearly 30% of single women are in poverty compared to 16% of single men. Even if her husband has to pay child support (30% of his income in my state), that leaves him with 70% to spend on himself whereas he probably currently spends less than 10% on himself.


Why would I find facts offensive. My point is that your fear tactics have no relevance to the OP because she’s completely capable of earning a good living. So why you are bringing it up to her is beyond me.


unbelievable said:


> She does not have to work today. If he leaves, even with child support (assuming he willingly and regularly pays), she will have to. While married, even if her depression prevents her from ever working again, she still gets supported. As a single woman, should she be unable to work, she'd be in a pickle. Even if she could maintain gainful employment until retirement, she still is looking at nearly a 30% chance of being poor and her child will be still incur all the disadvantages of being raised in a single parent arrangement. Put lipstick on it all day, but divorce is generally more devastating to the woman and it's almost always most devastating to children.


No, she is not looking at a 30% chance of being poor. Most of the people who are poor are poor because they have no job skills and prefer to live off welfare. 

Her husband has a 25% chance of becoming disabled at some point in his life. So I guess he’d better live in fear, make sure his wife has a job just in case he goes downhill. If he becomes disabled and unable to work, he’d be in a real pickle if he were single. See this can go either way. 

Divorce is often more devastating to women who are not able to earn decent income. When a woman earns a good income, it’s no more devastating to the woman than it is to the man. 



unbelievable said:


> 30% of a man's income for 18 years amounts to about 6 years of his income out of his life. Married, she gets the benefit of probably 40 years of his income plus maybe 30 years of his retirement, probably 100% of his death benefits, 100% of his life insurance, and 100% of his estate after he's gone. A reasonably decent husband is a pretty great deal for a woman, especially one who has children.


The fact is that her husband is apparently not really able to support them very well. She is stuck at home, in a city where she knows no one because they cannot afford a car for her. She says that she cannot get some of the help she needs because they don’t have the money.

If she works, he gets all of that from her as well. 


unbelievable said:


> I guess you'd have to ask the husband what benefits he's getting from the marriage. Most of the benefits a husband gets are intangibles and he's apparently not all that thrilled with those.


Until her pregnancy went downhill, she was working as well.

Then he got a child. Something he could not get without her. He has a full time care taker for his child. Since their child was born premature, a lot of extra care was needed. The fact that she was able to stay home to take care of their child during this period of extreme vulnerability is a HUGE benefit for him.

She took care of his elderly, dying father who had dementia. She did this without her husband’s help. This is HUGE benefit. It relieved him of this HUGE burden.

He does not have to do any child care, house chores, etc. because he will not help his wife. So that’s a huge burden off him.

He gets to go out, do things he enjoys, socialize, etc. because his wife takes care of everything at home. She does not get to do any of this because he will not send the time with her. He will not help her care for their child so that she gets a break. She also does not have a car so she cannot do these things on her own. 

Sex is not the only thing that marriage is about. It’s important. But there are two people here. They both need to be meeting each other’s needs. It’s not just her having to meet his needs.

Also, there are some books that I think would really help you out: "Divorce Busting", "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". 

Read them in that order.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

macrane06032011,

When you were working, what percentage of your joint income did you make?

You said that your husband does things that he enjoys when he’s not at work. What does he do for enjoyment in his spare time? About how many hours a week does he spend doing these things?

How many hours a week do you and he spend doing things that you both enjoy, just the two of you?

From the sounds of it, you have had a very hard year. I can understand why you have put yourself last during this time as you have been depressed (post-partum depression?) and yet still had a vulnerable baby to care for, your FIL to care for, a household to run. Then there was the move, your operation and dental work. With that you had no help from your husband. You have not been able to get breaks away from your responsibilities to recharge yourself. This would send just about anyone into a tail spin.

Your baby is healthy now, thanks to your hard work. Now it’s time to give her what she will need for the rest of her life, a happy healthy mother who is in a strong marriage with her father. Your emphasis need to start shifting from your daughter to your own health and wellbeing, and then to your marriage. 

Do you have access to money in your marriage? Or does your husband control the money?

I’m asking because you need to start doing things for yourself. Some people mentioned you getting out and walking with your daughter just about every day. This would be very healthy both physically and mentally. 

You should also be able to get out and so some things socially. If you go to www.meetup.com, and search in your area, you should be able to find groups of mothers who meet to socialize and to let their children have play time with other children. This way you can also start to meet people. Perhaps you could meet other mothers who live near you so that you can swap child care so that you can get out some both on your own and with your husband.

Why is it that you cannot have the car one or two days a week? If you could get the car, even once or twice a week then you could start meeting people.

Or, let your husband watch the baby one day a week while you go do something social. 

You need to do this because you are not going to start feeling more loving towards your husband until you start taking care of yourself.

I also think that you might want to start thinking about going back to work. It sounds to me like you need the stimulation that work provides for your mental health. Not all women are cut out for being SAHMs. It also sounds like your husband does not earn enough to provide some of the basics like a car for you and the medical and therapy that you need. What do you think about you going back to work?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

kali4nyaChick said:


> And I feel for your wife. No wonder she's depressed.
> 
> Unbelievable, is she meeting your sexual needs?
> *How's your penis size?*


:lol::lol::lol:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

intheory said:


> That just shouldn't be happening.
> 
> Vivian is one now, right?
> 
> ...


Husband showers everyday. Vivian requires constant attention.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> macrane06032011,
> 
> When you were working, what percentage of your joint income did you make?
> 
> ...


Thank you.

When I was working I made twice as much as my husband because I have almost 2 degrees. He just started working on his degree this past year. I also manage all of out finances because my husband has a tendency to not manage money well. Yes I would like to get out more, but my husband's work schedule and sleeping schedule make it difficult to do so. And to be honest, I'm so tired all the time, I don't feel like going out or doing anything because it requires me to be human and at this point in my life, I just want to sleep.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kali4nyaChick said:


> And I feel for your wife. No wonder she's depressed.
> 
> Unbelievable, is she meeting your sexual needs?
> How's your penis size?


Dang......&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey macrane. Didn't realize your situation from your first post. Your husband sounds somewhat immature and selfish. I'm not talking about his sexual desire for you but his lack of responsibility around the home and to you personally. He needs to help you get back into life. You need some freedom and rest. Improving your health should be a top priority.

Does he really not see what is happening? It must be hard for you to have sexual feelings for him when you feel neglected and are so physically exhausted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Needless to say, you both need to get to a place of physical and emotional health where you are placing each other as a top priority. Very sorry you are having all this trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My ex doesn’t work despite his education and degrees because his depression is debilitating. It happens. It could happen to the OP’s husband just as it could happen to her.
> 
> The fact is that she was working and supporting herself and contributing to household finances up until her pregnancy had difficulties. She perfectly capable of going back to work and earning a good living. She is as capable as her husband is.
> 
> ...


Thank you for getting it. My husband is a bowler. It costs a lot of money for him to bowl league and tournaments and travel. I manage all our money so that way he has a way to do so. That means paying the bills, managing our other household costs. I also bring in extra income and ways to save money in addition to all my other duties at home. Believe me that is a chore in itself. I love my husband and I appreciate him being the bread winner of the home, and to let everyone know I have been looking for work outside the home to help financially as well in addition to everything else. My husband works and comes home and that's about all he does. He takes out the dogs everyday and trash when needed. He also helps from time to time with the baby. But 99.99% of everything else falls on me all the time. I don't get a day off to go to the pro shop and get my equipment repaired for 6 to 8 hours and bull**** with the guys. I sit at home and teach myself ways to save money, crafting, etc. I don't have much motivation to do much else. Because I'm exhausted. Taking care of his father was like taking care of an adult baby. I had to change his adult diaper, clean his clothes, bathe him, and feed as well as care for the baby at the same time. My husband went out on Easter to bowl a tournament and I cooked an entire meal for the holiday meal. All expendable is basically spent on his hobby. I do get some yarn and crafting items, but it doesn't even come close to what we spend on his bowling in a year's time. He has gotten a total of 9 new bowling balls in the last 6 months. If you average the price of each ball and drill at $220, that makes it $1980 not including any upkeep on the equipment or repairs. And all the yarn and items I buy usually are on sale or I use huge discounts to get my items. I don't spend more than $20 for the items I get as a general rule of thumb. 

Yes I probably need to find ways to shower more and care for myself better. And yes trying to make it by myself would be quite difficult in the beginning from a financial standpoint, but when I took my vows I figured it would be 50/50 in the marriage, not 1/99. Any many can disagree with that as much as you like, but I was just as much of a contributing member of our marriage financially as my husband was and I made 2 as much as he did at one point.


And I'm not dogging my husband and I understand how much work it takes to go to a job and work 40 hours a week. But my job at home doesn't get a day off like his. I work 7 days a week 24 hours a day. When my daughter and I had a cold recently, did he get up with the baby and let me rest, nope guess who was up with a sick baby caring for her for almost 2 weeks non stop? Me. He got sick and guess who slept in for 12 hours a day and was acting like a baby needing to be cared for every minute of the day. Him. He even had the nerve to say, "I don't know how you women do it. You guys are tough." Really? 

It's things like that, that make me feel taken advantage of and not appreciated.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Hey macrane. Didn't realize your situation from your first post. Your husband sounds somewhat immature and selfish. I'm not talking about his sexual desire for you but his lack of responsibility around the home and to you personally. He needs to help you get back into life. You need some freedom and rest. Improving your health should be a top priority.
> 
> Does he really not see what is happening? It must be hard for you to have sexual feelings for him when you feel neglected and are so physically exhausted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I tell him all the time what he does is selfish and it doesn't make me want to be intimate with him because I'm tired all the time. I asked him a few weeks ago if I could have a day or two a week to sleep in for an hour or two past what time I normally get up with the baby. He said yeah I can do that. Has it happened since then, no. I am not a priority. What he wants and needs is. He always makes time to eat and shower and do what he wants. He complains I don't eat enough, but when am I supposed to have time to do so. The baby requires constant attention. Our child slept on me for the first 9 months of her life. She just started sleeping in her own crib 3 months ago and about a week ago I moved her crib to her own room. I am super protective of her. Especially with her being premature. Her doctor is amazed by her progress and development. Her charting for a year's time is outstanding. She was in the normal baby curve by 3 months and hasn't regressed at all. That takes a lot of love and time. 

I know it sounds like I dog my husband, and maybe I do. But I also feel like I'm a slave in the home and not appreciated either. And yes I have tried to find employment when we moved down here. I had 5 interviews in 2 weeks. Nothing came of them. 

Battling with depression and a condition called OCPD, that I was diagnosed with recently makes life very difficult for me and tiring. For those who don't know what OCPD please refer to the DSM-IV. 

I love my family. And I appreciate the life we have to a point. I could be homeless, lonely, no spouse or child, but this last year has taken a lot out of me. Not to mention I was also doing school online for my masters for the last 3 years as well.

I wasn't able to get on last night to address any of the posts because I was so busy plus helping my husband with his online class as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dude needs educated. You kind of sound like a saint. The ball is probably going to be in your court for a while as your H seems unlikely to figure out that there is a problem.

You are going to have to take steps to bring this situation around.

Your H might not respond but if you don't try, it is unlikely anything will change.

If you had taken care of my father and my child, I would have kissed the ground you walk on.

I think you are a special lady and I hope your H wakes up. Do you think you could implement a plan and put your foot down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Sounds like husbands should be wanting to work just as hard on their marriage to make sure that doesn't happen to his kids. Not to mention the child support and alimony that gets complained about.
> 
> Divorce is hard, there's no doubt about that. Both people need to be working on the marriage for it to work.
> 
> ...


Organization is good in the home, I am very careful with how things are because of the baby being mobile now and germs. I used to be a biology major before I became an accounting major. Keeping a clean home with a young child will lead to less sickness. I have a condition called OCPD. Look it up. I take medication for it and postpartum depression. As for marriage counseling, not sure how he would feel about it or even make an effort to go.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> You said Macrane sounded like your wife. What can she do to communicate to her husband that she loves him but she needs his support. That support may be in the form of not asking to have quickies, or not touching sexually before she is aroused or just expressing some empathy and appreciation for her care of their child and his father.
> 
> Of course her husband should feel that Macrane loves him. However, how do you get a person who is just running on empty to give even more? Scare her into thinking that she is disposable so she should earn her keep?
> 
> ...


Thank you for all of that. I guess the first thing I would address and I have in the past is being appreciated and showing that appreciation but doing things without being asked. Second, allowing me to have some personal time to rest or groom myself properly. Like showering etc. I guess just being able to do the basic needs everyday would be nice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

macrane06032011 said:


> Thank you for getting it. My husband is a bowler. It costs a lot of money for him to bowl league and tournaments and travel. I manage all our money so that way he has a way to do so. That means paying the bills, managing our other household costs. I also bring in extra income and ways to save money in addition to all my other duties at home. Believe me that is a chore in itself. I love my husband and I appreciate him being the bread winner of the home, and to let everyone know I have been looking for work outside the home to help financially as well in addition to everything else. My husband works and comes home and that's about all he does. He takes out the dogs everyday and trash when needed. He also helps from time to time with the baby. But 99.99% of everything else falls on me all the time. I don't get a day off to go to the pro shop and get my equipment repaired for 6 to 8 hours and bull**** with the guys. I sit at home and teach myself ways to save money, crafting, etc. I don't have much motivation to do much else. Because I'm exhausted. Taking care of his father was like taking care of an adult baby. I had to change his adult diaper, clean his clothes, bathe him, and feed as well as care for the baby at the same time. My husband went out on Easter to bowl a tournament and I cooked an entire meal for the holiday meal. All expendable is basically spent on his hobby. I do get some yarn and crafting items, but it doesn't even come close to what we spend on his bowling in a year's time. He has gotten a total of 9 new bowling balls in the last 6 months. If you average the price of each ball and drill at $220, that makes it $1980 not including any upkeep on the equipment or repairs. And all the yarn and items I buy usually are on sale or I use huge discounts to get my items. I don't spend more than $20 for the items I get as a general rule of thumb.
> 
> Yes I probably need to find ways to shower more and care for myself better. And yes trying to make it by myself would be quite difficult in the beginning from a financial standpoint, but when I took my vows I figured it would be 50/50 in the marriage, not 1/99. Any many can disagree with that as much as you like, but I was just as much of a contributing member of our marriage financially as my husband was and I made 2 as much as he did at one point.
> 
> ...


9 bowling balls in 6 months? And you don't even had a car so that you can go out and do things? 

He spends most of his free time bowling and out with friends, while you get no free time and no help?

Is he making any money with his bowling? Does he win tournaments? Does he coach? I know someone who is scratch bowler and semi-pro. I discussed this with him just now. He says that unless your husband is bringing in $20K - $30K a year bowling, there is no reason for him to need 9 balls in 6 months.

I know that you say that you do not even want to go out. What is just screaming out of your posts is that you are depressed and exhausted. You need to see your doctor and get your meds evaluated as you are not energized. 

What meds are you on, if you don't mind me asking.

Have you talked to your mother or any other relative about this?

You need to redirect some of that money your husband spends on bowling so that you can start getting out of the house and get out of this hole you are in.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Dude needs educated. You kind of sound like a saint. The ball is probably going to be in your court for a while as your H seems unlikely to figure out that there is a problem.
> 
> You are going to have to take steps to bring this situation around.
> 
> ...



You can only fight so much with a person to stop being selfish until you just don't care anymore. I make my child's care a priority. I try to do special things for both our daughter and him everyday. They both have a clean home, clean clothes, home cooked meals, and numerous other things. I wish some of the readers in this thread could just be a fly on the wall in my home for a week to see what I deal with on a daily basis. Then maybe some would have a bit more compassion. When my father in law died here at our new home, I was in tears. I grew to love him very much and he had adopted my husband as a child. He was my husband's great uncle. But he was always called dad. Watching him regress the way he did, it broke my heart and when the doctors said he was 6 to 8 months to live last June, it really started to hit home. Then my uncle just passed because of heart issues and its all been a lot.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> 9 bowling balls in 6 months? And you don't even had a car so that you can go out and do things?
> 
> He spends most of his free time bowling and out with friends, while you get no free time and no help?
> 
> ...



My husband used to be a pro bowler. He has bowled for 20 plus years of his life. And yes he does win tournaments more local based. He has cashed at PBA Regionals and at the USBC Masters tournament. And you are right, it takes a lot of capital to be competitive and make anything of it. The sport doesn't pay the way it used to. He is obsessed with bowling and if the person you talked to about bowling probably knows my husband. 


As for the medicine. I just had a check up with the doctor and she didn't want to change anything until I see a regular family doctor to check for sleep apnea and my thyroid. 

I'm currently on Prozac and Klonopin.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you are too empty and your H isn't responding, I seriously think you ought to get an exit strategy. You are withering in your current environment.

You don't need to divorce but maybe some time with a close relative or friend? You need someone to care for you for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Having a baby and taking care of your child is more stressful than a regular job, I get it. When you leave a job and go home, usually the job responsibilities end there. But a child, a baby is nearly a job where you are on call 24/7. Plus unlike a regular job, you have a person's life in your hands that is totally reliant on you for survival. It is more stressful being a mother than working a job for those reasons. You need to shift some of that responsibility on him sometimes, on a babysitter, close friend, and family. In fact, the more rested and stress relief you feel, will help make you a better mother. It will give you energy. Your husband not helping his ailing father is a definite no-no. He should have a hand in helping out his own father. You need to communicate to him what you need. He may have to sacrifice some of his free time. He should do things without receiving something in return. Same goes for you also.
> 
> to be honest, I prefer working over doing house chores any day. At work, I have people to interact with and doing house chores is less rewarding. I rather go to work than do dishes, watch a child, clean bathrooms, cook meals, vacuum, and etc. Taking care of a home is usually a less rewarding experience. I think he expects you to take care of all home life, take care of his needs when he gets home, appreciate him for his job, and let him go out with his friends. He takes you for granted. He is not meeting your needs in support, helping out when he is around, and expecting you to drop everything to see to his needs. You take for granted him working and being stressed. In terms of amount of stress, you carry more than he does. You need to find a way to offset some of that stress. Make him take care of his own father. If he wants him there, he should take majority responsibility for it. On the weekends, make him babysit while you go out during the day. At night, get a babysitter or a friend to help out. Do the same for the friend in return. And, communicate,communicate, communicate.
> 
> ...


Amen.

I blew up one day about it in July or August. I told him that I care for his father 24/7, the baby 24/7, and deal with all the other BS in between. The only job he had was going to work and coming home. Most of the time I did the grocery shopping and bill paying, cleaning, and cooking. When I lived up north, I had my aunt and cousin come help from time to time and some good friends of ours. Now that we lived 3.5 hours away, I have no one. It's just my husband, the baby, and myself. The other day I was so tired, I fell down the stairs head first with the baby. The baby didn't even end up with a scratch. However, myself, well I positioned myself to take the entire fall. I have a 12 inch black bruise on my behind, a bruised arm, bruised ribs, a bruise on each foot and a hole in the wall from my fall.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If you are too empty and your H isn't responding, I seriously think you ought to get an exit strategy. You are withering in your current environment.
> 
> You don't need to divorce but maybe some time with a close relative or friend? You need someone to care for you for a while.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not fair to Vivian to not have both parents in her life. She loves us both and it shows everyday in how she is growing. I don't want to be selfish and take her father from her. She adores him. I don't want to divorce my spouse. I love him very much. He told me the other day he wished I was the same person that was in the wedding photos 4 years ago. I told him things have changed and life has changed. He has been off 2 days in a row and he wanted us to go out both days and I told him I wasn't up to it. I'm exhausted. I had him see what I go through every single day with the baby. How demanding she is? He was amazed to see how she was at certain parts of the day and how its dealt with and how I have to deal with the animals too. I told him, this is the routine every single day. And he was exhausted afterward too. I hope its a wake up call for him. Because if I end up having a heart attack or stroke or something and don't make it, he is going to have to do it all alone too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

That is what I was worried about. Your plan is apparently to continue whether your H gets a clue or not. You dying would be monumentally worse than you leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Blockhead said:


> Ok, this is my first post. I am a long time lurker. But I just had to join after reading this post. Macrane, I swear you and my wife were seperated at birth. No seriously. How can your issues with your marriage be almost exactly what I have gone through with my wife. I am going to share my personal experience with my wife and maybe give a little insite into what your husband is thinking, why....because I was your husband.
> First thing, I am so glad you are striving to be the best mom you can be, and taking care of your daughter. Your daughter is very blessed to have a mom like you. May I ask, what was your parents like growing up? Were they happy, Divorced, ect. Just give a little insight.
> I am agreeing with most of the posters here. They all are very smart when it comes to relationships. Heed there advice. My wife is also a SAHM. We have been married for 10 years. We have 3 girls. Our oldest has some medical issues that have been really stressful on our relationship. After she was born I pretty much got kicked to the curb. My wife prioritys, even to this day are: 1. Kids 2. Clean house. 3. husband(me). How degrading to a husband can that be. Do not make those your prioritys.......ever!



My parents have been married for 29 years. 4 kids. I'm the oldest of 4. Ups and downs. But they loved each other very much. I'm 28 years old. I lost a child after I turned 25 and my husband and I were first married. It took 2 years for us to get pregnant and I have a very complicated and hard pregnancy. I would like to make everything in my life a priority. However, there are things that must be taken care of right away. A child requires constant attention especially one that was born premature. I have worked so hard with her so she hasn't needed to have therapy. She's doing great. And I've tried with my husband to cater to every one of his needs including sex. I've even had sex when I didn't want to just to make him happy. I'm not proud of it, but it happened.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Let this be a lesson to men.
> 
> If you are giving your wife a back massage in order to relax her and make her feel cared for....Don't Go For The Reach Around Titty Grab!
> 
> ...


The sex challenge lasted one good day. Ha, as for sex toys it was something that was on my mind for a while now because my husband and I had a discussion about it months ago. I saw a post on the boards here that made me think of it.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> That is what I was worried about. Your plan is apparently to continue whether your H gets a clue or not. You dying would be monumentally worse than you leaving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



There were many times last year I wanted to kill myself. I even started cutting myself from time to time. It's not something I'm proud of but it happened. I ended up on medication and its helped some, but the exhaustion is still there. 

I've had chronic hypertension since I was 13 and now I'm 28. I was warned this could lead to a heart attack or stroke. Well not much I can do without health insurance and doing everything all the time. My said to just relax and not do anything. Are you kidding me? Nothing would ever get done. I have to beg him to take out the trash. Our daughter deserves to live in a healthy and clean environment.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I really hope you can get help. The world would be cheapened by losing you too soon. Be praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> could you give an idea of your typical schedule and your husband's typical schedule in a day.
> 
> Its difficult for people to tell if the work is divided fairly or not so you are getting advice that is all over the map.


I get up early with the baby. Diaper change and bottle. Then we play for a while. I get finger foods for her to eat. My husband usually sleeps into 11 or 12. He gets in from work at 2am. He expects me to be downstairs waiting for him to get home from work. So I sleep on the couch until he gets home. Back to the morning routine. Then when he gets up I make him something to eat. I then discuss the financial and other household things that we need to organize and get down. I put dishes away and clean up the kitchen. I vacuum, sweep, mop etc. Start laundry if I need to or wait until the baby goes to bed. Change the baby from time to time throughout the day, make sure she is eating throughout the day. Playing with her constantly. We let the dogs out and they play and run the house. At some point the night comes to an end and I get her a diaper change and a last night bottle. I put her and the dogs to bed. I then get more household chores done and dinner started. And if I am lucky get on the computer to play a few Facebook games or work on a crochet or knitting project. Then I might lay down for a few hours before my husband gets home. Make sure he eats. Then go to bed. Get up early the next morning.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I really hope you can get help. The world would be cheapened by losing you too soon. Be praying for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thank you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Macrane, it's obvious how much you care about your baby. I also can't blame you one bit for the resentment that has built because you haven't had support. Resentment is the #1 killer of intimacy.

Please consider that your daughter will always have her mother and father. Unless your dh will abandon her if you divorced she will have both of you.

Is the marriage you have now one you would like her to have? It's very likely that if her model is an exhausted overwhelmed depressed mother with low self esteem that is what she will think of as normal. If her model is an absent inconsiderate father that offers his wife no help and support that's what she will think of as normal. That's what she herself will seek out because it's familiar to her.

Nobody has a perfect life or marriage. You aren't alone in that. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances you have been presented with. Nobody could say otherwise. 

However, when you are making these decisions that you can't care for yourself due to this or that. You can't leave your marriage because of this and that. You are the only one who can care for yourself. Be courageous enough to take some steps for yourself. Be strong because your child needs to see you doing that. You can't depend on your husband. It's on you to do it because he won't. Losing you would be something your dd would carry for her whole life. She needs you and you have the power to care for yourself and her too. Make yourself a priority even if nobody else does. Shower. Eat better. Run your stairs a couple of times per day to start. You are needed here. Stay here and be here and stop believing you come last even if your dh treats you like you do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Amen MissScarlett.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

macrane06032011 said:


> I get up early with the baby. Diaper change and bottle. Then we play for a while. I get finger foods for her to eat. My husband usually sleeps into 11 or 12. He gets in from work at 2am. He expects me to be downstairs waiting for him to get home from work. So I sleep on the couch until he gets home. Back to the morning routine. Then when he gets up I make him something to eat. I then discuss the financial and other household things that we need to organize and get down. I put dishes away and clean up the kitchen. I vacuum, sweep, mop etc. Start laundry if I need to or wait until the baby goes to bed. Change the baby from time to time throughout the day, make sure she is eating throughout the day. Playing with her constantly. We let the dogs out and they play and run the house. At some point the night comes to an end and I get her a diaper change and a last night bottle. I put her and the dogs to bed. I then get more household chores done and dinner started. And if I am lucky get on the computer to play a few Facebook games or work on a crochet or knitting project. Then I might lay down for a few hours before my husband gets home. Make sure he eats. Then go to bed. Get up early the next morning.


OK, so your job is a stay at home mom. There are a couple suggestions I can give that hopefully do not lead to my penis size being asked  First, tell your husband you work too, and it's not acceptable for him to demand you be awake until he gets home at 2am. Ypou need your rest for your job too. Second, get rid of the dogs. Obviously you are overwhelmed, having pets is like having kids, they take a lot of work to manage. Third, get on a routine. I hate gettign up and going to work everyday too, most people do, but we have no choice. Get in a routine as much as possible with a baby. Finally, when your daughter is ready, think about sending her to day care and seeking employment.


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