# Scared for my life



## graymatter (Mar 3, 2021)

I’ll start at the beginning. My first marriage lasted 10 years and ended due to my ex’s legal troubles, infidelity, and addiction. I got married young, so I guess this was to be expected. Soon after I found the most wonderful man. I remember feeling my heart melt as he would talk about us. How naive I was. I’m mortified that I’m looking toward divorce #2 after only 2 years of marriage. But I’m at a loss and at times scared for my life..

The other day he insisted I was cheating on him, even though I have never nor have I given any indications of infidelity. He insisted I open my phone. I have nothing to hide, but I expect my privacy to be respected and to have trust so I said no. He threw my phone against the wall shattering it beyond repair and then came over and strangled me. The abuse seems to be growing. This is not the first time (or the worst) he has hurt me or destroyed my property. We moved to a new state a year ago and I have absolutely no one. I feel like an animal lured into a trap and now I don’t know how to get out. Every time he walks by me, I look at the window to see what his reflection is doing just in case. I’m so tired of being scared, being put down, and feeling alone, but I don’t know how to leave and do it safely.

I hate to be sound dramatic, and I’m sorry for that. I just needed some anonymity to get this off my chest and hopefully hear some great advice.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

There's nothing dramatic-sounding about your post. Certainly you are correct to feel scared. Is there a domestic violence support line in your area that you could contact without him knowing, so that you could reach out to them as a starting point for guidance? They may also be able to guide you about reporting him to the police in a way that has your safety in mind. Do you have family or friends back home that you can reach out to / is there a way for you to get back to them?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Call family and be on the first flight home.

Gather some things together now and stay at a hotel until morning when you can get to see family.


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## graymatter (Mar 3, 2021)

I wish it was that easy. I can’t leave due to my job. And not that my job is that important to me, but without revealing too much, I legally can’t leave. That’s adding to the stuck factor. I have thought about calling the police, but get too scared every time... I think he knows this. I will definitely try to reach out to a local support line. I have tried using a national hotline chat once and could never get ahold of anyone... but I never thought to look locally. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and responses!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

graymatter said:


> I wish it was that easy. I can’t leave due to my job. And not that my job is that important to me, but without revealing too much, I legally can’t leave. That’s adding to the stuck factor. I have thought about calling the police, but get too scared every time... I think he knows this. I will definitely try to reach out to a local support line. I have tried using a national hotline chat once and could never get ahold of anyone... but I never thought to look locally. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and responses!


I do hope you can find some help locally through a support line.

And would you have family or friends who you can at least inform? If you cannot go to them, perhaps they can come to you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

graymatter said:


> I wish it was that easy. I can’t leave due to my job. And not that my job is that important to me, but without revealing too much, I legally can’t leave. That’s adding to the stuck factor. I have thought about calling the police, but get too scared every time... I think he knows this. I will definitely try to reach out to a local support line. I have tried using a national hotline chat once and could never get ahold of anyone... but I never thought to look locally. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and responses!


Also, just a thought if needed and depending on your workplace, however, previously a team member shared with me that she was in a DV situation.
As a result, she was provided with support where possible and could make calls and arrangements from the workplace.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Please call the domestic abuse hotline 1.800.799.7233

Find out what your resources are. I'm sorry but no job is worth your life. Please leave him. He could hurt you or worse kill you. This will get progressively worse and it's not going to end well unless you leave him. Please call the hotline maybe they can help you, or provide you a place to stay where he can't find you until you can end your job and leave.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Your area may have a women’s shelter with resources that can help protect you. Please call.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please follow the advise given, you are in great danger.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

graymatter said:


> The other day he insisted I was cheating on him, even though I have never nor have I given any indications of infidelity. He insisted I open my phone. I have nothing to hide, but I expect my privacy to be respected and to have trust so I said no. *He threw my phone against the wall shattering it beyond repair and then came over and strangled me. The abuse seems to be growing. This is not the first time (or the worst) he has hurt me or destroyed my property.* We moved to a new state a year ago and I have absolutely no one. I feel like an animal lured into a trap and now I don’t know how to get out. Every time he walks by me, I look at the window to see what his reflection is doing just in case. I’m so tired of being scared, being put down, and feeling alone, but I don’t know how to leave and do it safely.
> 
> I hate to be sound dramatic, and I’m sorry for that. I just needed some anonymity to get this off my chest and hopefully hear some great advice.


Dramatic? No, the first thing that comes to mind is that you're going to be a statistic. Time is not on your side; time is only a measurement of how long before you're seriously injured or killed. You need to get out. You need to preserve any evidence of the violence that's gone on. You need to find an attorney who deals with such cases and can provide a complete package for you, not just a divorce but your safety.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@graymatter ,

You are not being dramatic--when someone destroys your property, especially smashing it right there in your presence, that is a threat to you. "I can do this to your property, and I could do it to you." So you aren't being dramatic--you are being realistic. 

It would be wisest if you could get away from him. I'm sure you realize this. The longer you are near and in his presence, the more chances there will be for him to actually harm you. And by the way, pushing, grabbing, blocking and slapping are also all domestic violence. See...I understand that there may be circumstances that he claims are "making him mad" but under no circumstance whatsoever is it justifiable to put hands on someone in a physically harmful way. That is a criminal offense called assault for which people can be arrested. So no need to second-guess yourself. You do indeed need to get out and get to somewhere safe. 

You mention that you feel "stuck" and I completely understand that feeling. But thankfully, you have a few things going for you! You have a job! That means that you will have some means of providing some for yourself, so that is a great blessing. Depending on your job, you MAY be able to speak with your supervisor/manager and let them know what is happening. Your job may have resources for you such as a counselor or health care that will pay for a counselor. The counselor would not be able to SOLVE your problems, but they might be able to refer you to those in the community who can help. They are there (in your location), they know what your community has, and they are professionals... so check that out. In addition, if your supervisor/manager knows what's going on with you, it may help them to understand why there's a productivity dip or times you have to go to various appointments, etc. So start at work if you believe that's a safe thing to do. 

Another thing you can do to start feeling "unstuck" is to begin to make an escape plan. That sounds like a spy-movie or espionage doesn't it? But what I mean is that people rarely can just "pick up and go"--there's a lot to get sorted before something like that can happen. The escape plan...or safety plan if you prefer...is just that: plan on how you're going to get ready to go. For example, one step is to open a savings account in JUST YOUR NAME. That way, you can save and save a little at a time, and it is not funds that he can take or cut off...that's YOUR safety money. Right? Another step might be to begin to gather copies of important documents (birth certificate, divorce papers, marriage license, car titles, bank account statements, tax forms, etc.). Just make copies, and put them all together in a file or folder or big envelope that you keep at work. That way, he can't keep you from getting an ID or from proving you filed taxes...you have the copies! 

Here are TWO articles that talk about Safety Escape Plans:





__





Make an Escape Plan from Domestic Violence | HAVEN (MI)


Tips for having a plan of action in case of an emergency. Learn about deciding to leave a violent relationship and what documents to bring with you when you seek safety.




www.haven-oakland.org













Create a Safety Plan


Create a safety plan using our interactive safety planning tool, which asks a series of questions to help survivors identify their options.




www.thehotline.org





Some have checklists you can print and check off as you do them. Some are just a list of good things to think about before you go. But both give you a little bit of a start, so that you are DOING SOMETHING. You won't be stuck--you'll just be planning and preparing so that when you're ready, you CAN go and go safely and wisely.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You need to get out NOW, not tomorrow not next week, NOW. Abuse escalates in most situations, hotlines, shelters, sleep in your office if you need to. Your life may depend on getting away so now is not the time for pride and privacy, ask your employer for help if possible. If I had an employee come to me asking for help in your situation I would have them a short term apartment that day and tell them to call anytime of day or night if they needed help. You're not alone even if you feel like you are.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

graymatter said:


> I wish it was that easy. I can’t leave due to my job. And not that my job is that important to me, but without revealing too much, I legally can’t leave. That’s adding to the stuck factor. I have thought about calling the police, but get too scared every time... I think he knows this. I will definitely try to reach out to a local support line. I have tried using a national hotline chat once and could never get ahold of anyone... but I never thought to look locally. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and responses!


CALL THE POLICE right away. You should NOT be around this guy. Even if you can't move home, you should be able to leave THAT place with him.
Call a helpline, police, social services -- anyone. This is dangerous.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If you are scared for your life, no job is worth it. I'd leave.

Sometimes it is better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.

Get out now, then call your employer and explain your life is threatened and you'll be back at work when it's safe. Only the most soulless organization would fire you over this. And even if they did, it's better than being dead or hospitalized.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t know any job that can hold you hostage. Leave today! Move far away! Anywhere is better than there.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Talk to your employer. I hope there's a clause somewhere in your contract that lets you quit based on what you are going through. 

If I were you, I would start making a escape plan. I would not call the cops until I was sure it is not going to backfire and get me hurt or possibly dead. 

Talk to your family. Look for support and get out!! 

Please don't stay. Make a plan and get out!!


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