# My posts dont get replies.



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I am a regular poster here and I suppose quite well known. I usually reply to threads which are not yet two pages long since I cant really read so many pages. 

I dont usually copy other posters but instead bring something 'new' into it. I am also blunt and not afraid to apply blame where I think its due. I am totally against divorce unless it cant be helped and will agree to try anything to save a marriage. 

Where I think a poster is not serious or has cheated I wont usually answer to help. On the other hand I dont think every problem stems from this fact. 

I make my replies as short as possible and really count the words. 

What I do notice is that most OP's will not come back and reply to me. They will neither agree or deny, to anything I have read 'between' the lines or to reply to my suggestions which are often different to other posters. 

Am I write in saying that some people dont really want to be helped? Or to put it another way, since being helped always means some changes are needed and people are just not prepared to do that and would rather live in misery or divorce.

My original post does not seem to have been fully understood so I am now editing it.

Many posters if not most, are not here for advice of what to do but to find out what they do wrong. They have no idea or so they say why they have problems with their spouse. Why they have suddenly left or gone 'off' them or are arguing all the time.

When I and others try to think of reasons which we can only guess at, the OP does not come back to either admit or deny they are possible.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> being helped always means some changes are needed and people are just not prepared to do that and would rather live in misery or divorce.


While this is true, there's another aspect. 

Many people come here to commiserate, not really to change.

And, a person seeking help
has to "filter" the advice given down to one "action item". A person cannot make multiple changes about multiple characteristics simultaneously.

He/she must "pick" the one he/she feels is the most appropriate and the one causing the greater difficulty at the moment and deal with that.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> being helped always means some changes are needed and people are just not prepared to do that and would rather live in misery or divorce.


While this is true, there's another aspect. 

Many people come here to commiserate, not really to change.

And, a person seeking help
has to "filter" the advice given down to one "action item". A person cannot make multiple changes about multiple characteristics simultaneously.

He/she must "pick" the one he/she feels is the most appropriate and the one causing the greater difficulty at the moment and deal with that.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I don't think you're alone in the way you feel. There are people here looking to be helped, then there are people looking for someone to validate what they are doing, or how they feel etc. and not really looking for help or to change.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Thanks for your double reply. I suppose that is really what I also meant.

BTW Why is my thread not mentioned in the new posts which is what most people read.

Is there any reason why their search engine misses me out. Should I title it differently or make the same post with a different title.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Many times I leave links, in depth replies as if the OP was a personal friend , mine are usually not all that short ...and still they may gloss right over and not a peep...it is what it is.. 

I figure, even if that poster gets nothing out of it... this forum gets SO MANY hits (many do not even make a username & profile)...& read these threads....an unknown may still get *something* out of what I say.. that may be of some value... Is it a pure waste of my time... maybe.. but somehow I don't seem to mind. 



> *Jamison said*: I don't think you're alone in the way you feel. There are people here looking to be helped, then there are people looking for someone to validate what they are doing, or how they feel etc. and not really looking for help or to change.


 This is very true, one can always tell when the defenses come up quickly to anything contrary to what they *want to hear*... those who are honestly looking for change.. to better their marriages...will be a little more open to hearing all sides and considering. This still doesn't mean they will reply to our posts though!


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## Miss F (Jul 22, 2013)

TJW said:


> While this is true, there's another aspect.
> 
> *Many people come here to commiserate, not really to change.*
> 
> ...


Sometimes that's what a person needs, especially if they don't have anyone to turn to for support in real life. They just want somebody that will listen and be sympathetic. 
I am guilty of looking for advice and not acting upon it because I just don't have the strength within (despite knowing exactly what I should do) but having people telling me I am not a lunatic for feeling like I do and agreeing with me made me feel a bit better. 
I know it's frustrating for the person trying to help as they think "what's the point", if anyway you're not gonna do what you're advised to do. It's not easy when you're in a certain situation. 
I believe most people are looking for sympathy more than for proper advice.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Miss F said:


> Sometimes that's what a person needs, especially if they don't have anyone to turn to for support in real life. *They just want somebody that will listen and be sympathetic. *
> I am guilty of looking for advice and not acting upon it because I just don't have the strength within (despite knowing exactly what I should do) but having people telling me I am not a lunatic for feeling like I do and agreeing with me made me feel a bit better.
> I know it's frustrating for the person trying to help as they think "what's the point", if anyway you're not gonna do what you're advised to do. It's not easy when you're in a certain situation.
> I believe most people are looking for sympathy more than for proper advice.



This is very very true...When I was 18....I volunteered for a 24 hr Hotline ...It was advertised for the public/anyone to call for a listening ear, suicidal thoughts, at their wits end, feeling alone...or for information to connect them to the right services....I took the night shift. 

They gave us training for this....what I learned there was the majority of people don't want our ADVICE so much *but NEED someone to LISTEN to them...to hear them*... as when you give someone THIS... often they'll even talk themselves out of their own dilemma...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

If you have what you think is useful you have no idea who you may help. I'm watching 2 thread now that I will probably never post because I have no useful advice but the reply from other apply to my situation as preventive measures. 

Also when I get reply to post if I find the reply useful I will click "like" as a reply or I will say thanks for all the reply. I guess I could reply to every single post individually but it in my conscious that it would lengthen the thread unnecessary. 

Just some thought as to why you might not get reply. 

SA you know you are the grande dame of well thought out and helpful reply. It like you getting paid for it or something. please don't stop! 

(posting from my hospital room waiting to go to NICU for next breastfeeding - and hoping it the last NICU feeding!)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

accept1 said:


> I am a regular poster here and I suppose quite well known. I usually reply to threads which are not yet two pages long since I cant really read so many pages.
> 
> I dont usually copy other posters but instead bring something 'new' into it. I am also blunt and not afraid to apply blame where I think its due. I am totally against divorce unless it cant be helped and will agree to try anything to save a marriage.
> 
> ...


Well with you being "totally against" divorce, that may not be a view that people with serious issues are going to embrace. Sometimes people want out, and are seeking validation for their feelings, because its a scary thing once you realize that this is what you want. And someone pushing them to work even harder at something they have already worked at and lost, isnt what they want to hear. So they will read, and move on to other posts. Even if that ISNT the case. it isnt necessary to reply back to everyone who responds in a thread. I'm sure it isnt personal.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I would ask why it is so important to you to be recognized? This sounds like you are posting not so much to help but for approval. 

Post whatever advice you like. Maybe it will help someone, maybe not. Stop keeping score. It will only serve to frustrate you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

accept1 said:


> Thanks for your double reply. I suppose that is really what I also meant.
> 
> BTW Why is my thread not mentioned in the new posts which is what most people read.
> 
> Is there any reason why their search engine misses me out. Should I title it differently or make the same post with a different title.


New posts shows what you yourself haven't seen.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

This is not a contest to see who can help the most couples here. It's an exchange of ideas, opinions, and in many cases we speak from personal experience as well. Just cause someone did not respond to something you posted does not mean it was not taken to heart or that it was not helpful. Many times blunt and to the point advise will be resented and upset the OP, and they probably will not respond to your post except to possibly say you got it all wrong and have no idea what's going on. Just speak you piece and move on dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

"Am I write (you meant right I'm guessing lol) in saying that some people dont really want to be helped?..."

Yep - long standing issue that any counselor will tell you. Some people want to *****, moan and complain and do not want to be helped. Will never take anyone's advice and it is always a drama fester fest.

Sometimes, the problem is that the written post has no personal face and facial expressions, change in tone of voice etc. Others don't always take things in the way they were meant by the poster.

You got some replies to this one... yay you! 
(I wasn't being sarcastic either)

It's Friday - YAY!


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Even if that ISNT the case. it isnt necessary to reply back to everyone who responds in a thread. I'm sure it isnt personal.


I have rewritten my original post, and many have already replied to it that they also dont get replies so I wasnt meaning it in a personal sense but a general one.

I agree that one neednt reply to 'suggestions' of what to do. But I do expect a reply if someone asks what is wrong and I try to tell them.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Only new people to TAM check out the "New Post" section.

Most Others key in on the Forum (with multiple threads or create one of their own) in those Forums that they are interested in, or need help with or whatever.

Posting and exchanging of ideas in a Forum - can be a great way to expand one's thinking. It can help you see that there are other ways of looking at things. Different kinds of people who have different kinds of lives/lifestyles. I think it's a rather cool way to exchange information.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Unique Username said:


> Only new people to TAM check out the "New Post" section.


And Moderators!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well with you being "totally against" divorce, that may not be a view that people with serious issues are going to embrace.


 This right here may want to make someone take a gun to their heads...seriously...there are situations where the original poster is at the end of their rope, they have been too darn lenient ...for years....may be dealing with an abuser, someone who cheated, their self esteem could be on the ground.......

I think marriage is great.... and we should all work on ourselves FIRST....but it will always take 2.. If 2 can not find some common ground, that comfortable place to meet each other half way... When one is met with a cold, callous, rejecting, unfeeling, undetermined, unworkable...hiding/lying spouse...dissing our needs....over & over & over again....there comes a point...
Divorce would be a blessing. 



> *committed4ever said:* SA you know you are the grande dame of well thought out and helpful reply. It like you getting paid for it or something. please don't stop!


 Many moons ago, when thinking what the perfect Job for me would be...my thoughts were .... "Dear Abby"... I enjoy the writing...and the deeper issues. 



> (posting from my hospital room waiting to go to NICU for next breastfeeding - and hoping it the last NICU feeding!)










Boy or Girl...if you posted this somewhere...I missed it !


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

accept1 said:


> But I do expect a reply if someone asks what is wrong and I try to tell them.


If you have expectations of anonymous internet posters, especially those who may be dealing with the biggest crisis of their lives, you're gonna have a bad time.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

accept1, I wasn't going to respond to your question but after reading yet another one of your posts, I changed my mind.

The reason you don't get many responses to your "advice" is because it is generally rude and harmful. You show no compassion for these individuals who are going through extremely difficult situations, and in many cases you are down right rude, judgmental and condescending. Your advice in many cases is so far removed from reality it would be harmful if the people actually listened to you.

I understand you want to help, but in many cases your advice is not helpful. I am sorry if this hurts you feeling, but you asked "why" and I am answering honestly. Below is just a few examples of replies that you made that I saw that caused me to form the opinion I have.


This is what you said to a poor woman who had been sexually abused by her FATHER and was completely upfront with her H before marriage.

_I cant claim to understand your position but I do get the impression that you want to hold on to it. Because of your upbringing you seem to think I have to be like this. A way of getting back at your father.

You have already been to therapists counsellors and what not and most likely spent a great deal of money. I suppose all they tell you is what you want to hear and that is that you are right to be like this.

Well the answer is that it doesnt give you the right. You have a husband and are married and his needs come first before your childhood 'obsessions'. Once you start believing that you will be on the way to recovery. _

This is what you said to a poor woman who had a 3 mo. old baby, was taking care of the house, cooking, baby and working 4 hours every night all while she breast fed and got up with the baby every night. She is in desperate need of help from her husband who doesn't think she is overworked.

_You are not in a position to ask your husband to do more and you are not even asking for it at the moment so dont.

I suppose you must have at some time told your husband he has an easier life than you. This can be hard on a working man so he says the same about you. I assure you he knows exactly how hard your life is and you even work a few hours at night. 

He only says these things to 'keep' you in your place but doesnt real mean them. Tell him this and see the difference. _

And this is the advise you gave to a man who's wife has serious money management problems, to the point where she hides all her debt from him - and this after they had already separated for a year because she spent ALL their savings and the kids's. He asked to see her finances before they could move forward on the house and all he gets is the runaround and a phone call from a lending agency stating her new loan is ready.

_No you dont divorce.

It is only your finances in trouble. What you need is a third person who should hold the finances of your wife. 

You although you are the husband in this case are not the best person for it. Maybe a bank manager can be persuaded. It should still be secret from you (I know this is hard to take) but at least you will know that she is not overspending. 

I think she would agree to this as long as it is not you. In time she may come round. 

*If you have a house in mind you should buy it.* If you need her wages to help pay for it my suggestion is still sound.

Stop talking about divorce there is no need for it here. 

This is really one of the easiest problems on here to solve.

I wish you luck. _


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have a feeling your thread is referring to me. 

I didn't reply to a couple of your comments. One was because it was a tough question and the other was because I didn't think your question was pertinent to my issue.

After you added another post, asking why I didn't reply to you, I did reply. You had made a comment about, "Maybe you are ordering her around too much!" and I asked "What makes you think this?"

You haven't replied to my responses either, so I guess you are as guilty as the rest of us.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

accept1 said:


> I am a regular poster here and I suppose quite well known.


This is the part I'm still scratching my head over. 106 posts and you think you are "quite" well known? Take a peek at how many posts others have. Heck I have a lot and I don't think I'm well known (and don't aspire to be).

I think we forget just how many people are registered on this forum and how many visitors hit it daily from all over the world.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

To JustHer.
I will comment on the three posts of mine you quoted.

The first of the lady who was abused. After my post almost everyone and there were many all agreed with me. She did reply

The second one. I was consoling her not being rude to her. If you cant understand that i cant help you. She did not reply.

The third post I stand by what I said that this marriage can be saved if my advice which I dont cosider rude at all would be followed. He did not reply.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Unique Username said:


> Only new people to TAM check out the "New Post" section.
> 
> Most Others key in on the Forum (with multiple threads or create one of their own) in those Forums that they are interested in, or need help with or whatever.
> 
> Posting and exchanging of ideas in a Forum - can be a great way to expand one's thinking. It can help you see that there are other ways of looking at things. Different kinds of people who have different kinds of lives/lifestyles. I think it's a rather cool way to exchange information.


I use "New Posts" a bunch. That is how I find new topics that I am interested in.

I also use "User CP" to check on threads I have subscribed to.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I have a feeling your thread is referring to me.
> 
> I didn't reply to a couple of your comments. One was because it was a tough question and the other was because I didn't think your question was pertinent to my issue.
> 
> ...


Thanks as you can see from the other poster i was not only referring to you.

Of course I ask tough questions. Marriage is a very tough issue.
And if you evade the tough questions you marriage will be in trouble. 
I cant know your circumstances and have to probe. So I cant know if its pertinent or not. I can only go by what you tell us and read between the lines.

Your post said you that you requested (I read ordered) for your wife to attend something she didnt want to. Other parts of your many posts gave me also that impression.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> This is the part I'm still scratching my head over. 106 posts and you think you are "quite" well known? Take a peek at how many posts others have. Heck I have a lot and I don't think I'm well known (and don't aspire to be).
> 
> I think we forget just how many people are registered on this forum and how many visitors hit it daily from all over the world.


You have 0.69 posts a day. Check how many I have.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

People do read I'm sure but when one is flooded by 20+ replies in between their posts one can't really expect them to address everyone.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

accept1 said:


> To JustHer.
> I will comment on the three posts of mine you quoted.
> 
> The first of the lady who was abused. After my post almost everyone and there were many all agreed with me. She did reply
> ...


*Dude, you advised a guy to follow through with a purchase of a house when his wife is bankrupting them, that is harmful advice.*


I am not going to get into a he said she said with you. Obviously you have some issues of your own and my advise to you would be to get into counseling.

Good luck to you.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Well, you never replied to my post. I guess you don't really want to be helped. Maybe you're just not prepared to make changes and prefer to live in misery?

I just can't get over the arrogance of this whole thread. "I wrote something, now you OWE me a response and if you don't give me one there's something wrong with you!" You signed up here last month, have about 100 posts to your name and now you're "quite well known"? Are you for real?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

accept1 said:


> Thanks as you can see from the other poster i was not only referring to you.
> 
> Of course I ask tough questions. Marriage is a very tough issue.
> And if you evade the tough questions you marriage will be in trouble.
> ...


I guess you are correct:

I have asked her to go to counselling with me.
I have asked her to be more involved with our finances.
I have asked her to be more involved in planning together time (holidays, nights out, etc.)

If these things are 'ordering her around' then I guess that is my problem. 

My feeling is that in many of your replies, you are projecting. You are seeing things through what you have lived through and not through what people are actually posting.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Well I'm out of this messy thread.

I see why you are not getting responses. 

You are combatative and lacking in empathy/compassion.
Your posts seem to be harsh and abrasive. 

I've never heard of you before. That doesn't mean anything either.

okay - y'all have a great time stirring up the shyt.

seriously love and light to all - laterz.

Bill Withers - YouTube


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

To JustHer.
That is what she replied to me. And I thank her for it. She even said she sees my point.
Now look at all the other posts after her. Who explained to her why its not the same as a car accident AND ALL AGREE WITH ME. 

SEE WHAT I MEAN.

I am here a lot longer than a month. If you would read all my posts here you would know that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unique Username said:


> Only new people to TAM check out the "New Post" section.


Not true. I use the “New Post” and “User Control Panel” almost exclusively. By using these two only the threads that have new replies on them show up. 

"New Post" makes it easy to find new/interesting threads across all forums. 

"User Control Panel" makes it easier to check to see if a thread I'm following has activity on it.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

accept1 said:


> To JustHer.
> That is what she replied to me. And I thank her for it. She even said she sees my point.
> Now look at all the other posts after her. Who explained to her why its not the same as a car accident AND ALL AGREE WITH ME.
> 
> SEE WHAT I MEAN.


Because others agreed with you doesn't mean it is good advice for her, what's good advice for one won't be for another.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

accept1 said:


> You have 0.69 posts a day. Check how many I have.


I don't care how many you have. Or how many I have for that matter.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

accept1 said:


> To JustHer.
> That is what she replied to me. And I thank her for it. She even said she sees my point.
> Now look at all the other posts after her. Who explained to her why its not the same as a car accident AND ALL AGREE WITH ME.
> 
> ...


I agree with JustHer, just as an FYI. You're entitled to your opinion just like the rest of us, of course. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> This is the part I'm still scratching my head over. 106 posts and you think you are "quite" well known? Take a peek at how many posts others have. Heck I have a lot and I don't think I'm well known (and don't aspire to be).
> 
> I think we forget just how many people are registered on this forum and how many visitors hit it daily from all over the world.


He used to be the poster "accept" 

Talk About Marriage - View Profile: accept

But has recently created "accept1". As I recall he thought he had a problem with posts not showing up (or something like that) so he created the new name.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am pretty sure (if memory serves me right) that accept1 has been banned from TAM on several occasions now. 

For baiting, trolling and posting rude comments to posters. 

Keeps coming back though..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

JustHer said:


> accept1, I wasn't going to respond to your question but after reading yet another one of your posts, I changed my mind.
> 
> The reason you don't get many responses to your "advice" is because it is generally rude and harmful. You show no compassion for these individuals who are going through extremely difficult situations, and in many cases you are down right rude, judgmental and condescending. Your advice in many cases is so far removed from reality it would be harmful if the people actually listened to you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Well I'm out of this messy thread.
> 
> I see why you are not getting responses.
> 
> ...



Yup. His posts are rude, unhelpful, and reek of lots of bitterness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JustHer said:


> The reason you don't get many responses to your "advice" is because it is generally rude and harmful. You show no compassion for these individuals who are going through extremely difficult situations, and in many cases you are down right rude, judgmental and condescending.


I disagree, at least from the examples you give here. I can see where you think Accept1's advice might lack "compassion", but I don't see anything that's "rude" about it. What was rude exactly? (NOT saying I agree with Accept1's advice though). 

In any case, the reason why you are probably wrong, is because if Accept1 was giving out such rude and harmful advice, then he would see A *LOT* of replies to them (although most of the replies would be negative). People on this forum tend to reply right away when they sharply disagree with someone. They usually don't feel so strongly that they need to reply when they agree with someone; after all, we have a "like" button on here for them to use. But there is no "dislike" button.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> I would ask why it is so important to you to be recognized? This sounds like you are posting not so much to help but for approval.
> 
> Post whatever advice you like. Maybe it will help someone, maybe not. Stop keeping score. It will only serve to frustrate you.


I understand what you are saying, but still I am sympathetic to the OP on this issue. It's not really about the "score"; if no one replies to you, then you feel like you are not part of the conversation, so what's the point of being in the forum? 

On another web forum, I once started a thread and poured out my heart and soul into it. It got a lot of views but ZERO replies.  I was so pissed off I didn't post there again. In fact, now that I'm reminded of it, I think I'll go back and delete it!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When I don't get 'likes' for a post or nobody comments on it, I am sometimes disappointed. But I also try to think about what I wrote and how I could have written it better to get my point across. 

Or maybe, my point just wasn't all the popular. 

Don't take it personal, just try to do better next time.


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