# How do I get him to not freak out over every cent



## lotus (May 7, 2011)

My husband recently went back to school. Thankfully he is using is GI bill from the military. I also work full time. We recently found out I am pregnant. Which should be very exciting but money has been somewhat tight.....we're paying all our bills but we dont have tons of money to play around with. 
My question isn't really a financial question. It's a how the HELL do I get him to help with the budget without him freaking out over every little thing!!!! Sometimes I feel like it's his way of not having to be bothered with doing it. I'm so sick of being the one that goes to work, cooks, cleans and pays the bills. While being pregnant. I have tried numerous times to get him to do it. But either he freaks out/forgets/or fights with me until I just don't care anymore. 
If we're ever in a bind I have the stress of figure it all out. If I even try to get him to come up with an idea I get the sigh or slaming of a cup. 
Am I going to have to just put up with this my whole time with him, or is there some way of getting him to help?:scratchhead: 
Also house work applies to this as well.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Good luck with that one. My husband wants no part of the money. Everytime I try to discuss the budget we end up in an argument and we never argue. I've come to accept that money (or lack thereof) is just a touchy subject for him so I just handle it and let it go. I've had so much peace since I quit trying to make him participate in finances.

I'm a homemaker so we have an agreement he works and I do everything else. That's fair right? LOL!!


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

Ask him this question: What would make you feel financially secure? 

I was the one who freaked out over every penny in our relationship. I finally sat down and wrote out a budget that takes into consideration what my income is and what his income is and what all of our bills are every month. I figured out a way that we could put $500 into savings and pay $500 off of our credit card debt. Once I had this plan in place I honestly did stop worrying-- as long as we stick to the budget, I know there is no reason to freak out.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Good luck with that one. My husband wants no part of the money. Everytime I try to discuss the budget we end up in an argument and we never argue. I've come to accept that money (or lack thereof) is just a touchy subject for him so I just handle it and let it go. I've had so much peace since I quit trying to make him participate in finances.
> 
> I'm a homemaker so we have an agreement he works and I do everything else. That's fair right? LOL!!


My FH and I would fight over bills and such too. We were able to once go through his credit report and see what debt he still had. Once I had that information, I was able to see how much he was getting paid and made a budget. He knows about the budget but I'm the one who helps us stay on the budget. He has no interest with it really and he just does not like talking about money with me. I respect that--- just as much as he respects that I am a planner and like things organized. He doesn't nitpick me about that either.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

If money is really an issue with a child the government is much more lenient with helping you.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> If money is really an issue with a child the government is much more lenient with helping you.


In some cases, sure its great to be able to rely on charity to help you. However, I don't think people should jump right to expecting other people to help you out. We do that MUCH TOO OFTEN in America and it's not helping anybody.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you are putting at least $50 each paycheck into a savings account. No matter what. If you can't even come up with $50, then you need to take a hard look at what you spend money on. Do you have to have a cell phone? Can you carpool? Can he ride a bike to school? Look up websites on how to spend less, and start incorporating some of the ideas.

It sounds like you really won't be able to get him to help with the bills; some people just can't do that stuff well. Accept that. 

But the next step is where you have to put your foot down. "If I'm going to be responsible for bill paying, you are going to have to take up the slack. Many people work at least part time and go to school full time, so you can either get a part time job or start picking up on some of the house chores. Which way do you want to go?"

Do NOT let him get out of this discussion. You will be setting a lifelong precedent, if you do.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lotus said:


> My husband recently went back to school. Thankfully he is using is GI bill from the military. I also work full time. We recently found out I am pregnant. Which should be very exciting but money has been somewhat tight.....we're paying all our bills but we dont have tons of money to play around with.
> My question isn't really a financial question. It's a how the HELL do I get him to help with the budget without him freaking out over every little thing!!!! Sometimes I feel like it's his way of not having to be bothered with doing it. I'm so sick of being the one that goes to work, cooks, cleans and pays the bills. While being pregnant. I have tried numerous times to get him to do it. But either he freaks out/forgets/or fights with me until I just don't care anymore.


So let me see if I understand you correctly. You do all the budget/financial work, the housework. You feel that the division of labor is unfair?



> If we're ever in a bind I have the stress of figure it all out. If I even try to get him to come up with an idea I get the sigh or slaming of a cup.
> Am I going to have to just put up with this my whole time with him, or is there some way of getting him to help?:scratchhead:
> Also house work applies to this as well.


Not only do you feel that the division of labor is unfair, you don't like the reaction you get when you seek help? Do you work outside of the home?

Here is what I think you should do.

- Get a copy of Total Money Makeover. It is a good book about living within your means and getting out of debt if you have any.

- Learn to set effective limits. While it would nice for us to be completely grown up and to marry perfect grown ups, it rarely happens that way. This is what worked for me. I spoke very calmly with my best non-confrontational language (using I feel rather than you never...) that I agreed to be his wife but not his servant. I recognized that his mother never expected him to do anything,and he was unaccustomed. BUT I was unwilling to do everything. If I am doing for me, I will go ahead and do for you. I am not going to say, cook myself dinner and not you. I am not picking up after you. If I want something cleaner than it is, I am tossing your **** in a bin. I am not doing your laundry. He had a massive spending problem. So I put him on an allowance. He did not have access to the bills account. He had his own separate account. 

At first allow me to tell you that he was PISSED. I was treating him like a child, yadda yadda. But pretty soon he could no longer pretend not to see all that I had been doing. His laundry piled up until he could not get dressed for work. He had a bin of crap from chip wrappers to socks to cups that he had left lying around that he SAW because I was not picking them up.

AND we had our debt paid off!

If I were you, I would work on evening the work load in the area of housekeeping. You do NOT want a reluctant freaked out person around your budget. You will just wind up with a financial mess on top of everything else.

These two things by themselves will not work alone. Effective limit setting MUST be joined with ensuring you are meeting HIS marriage needs. Google love languages and love bank. If he is telling you he needs x, y, z help him get it! Even if it seems like a stupid thing to want.

By doing this, you are attempting to eliminate the possibility of resentment from your limit setting activities as well as engender a positive, cooperative, caring dynamic that he can learn from you to also be part of. 

Does this make sense?


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