# Had the talk with my wife



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I have a birthday coming up soon and I inquired about doing something special on that day. I got shot down. So frustrating. Just venting a little.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Did you have something specific in mind? What did she say?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why don't you do something special for yourself! Something you really want to do. One year i 'surprised' myself with a lovely golden retriever puppy, now 5 years old. The best birthday I ever had!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

aine said:


> Why don't you do something special for yourself! Something you really want to do. One year i 'surprised' myself with a lovely golden retriever puppy, now 5 years old. The best birthday I ever had!


I actually think this is great advice (not a dog necessarily). Your birthday is YOUR day. That doesn't mean she's obligated to do anything for you sexually or otherwise, but it DOES mean that if she decides she doesn't want to play along with what you want, you can do whatever you want for yourself.

Get up early. Leave the house without her. Go fishing. Go bungee jumping. Go smoke a doobie and watch the sunset. Whatever you want. Then come home with a gigantic smile on your face.

Just like she's not obligated to do anything "special" for you, you aren't obligated to sit around and be miserable with her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Some like to enjoy birthdays and some just pass them over. When your spouse makes little of a birthday when you look forward to it, that's pretty uncaring in my book. 

I know my SO doesn't make a big deal of his birthday, at all, but I'd feel worse about doing nothing than doing something intimate, sweet, and low key. I know of no better way to pay tribute to and be thankful for his life, as it has so enriched mine. Not to say I couldn't do this for him on any day of the year, but to me, the birthday itself has extra special meaning. 

I'd just go out and do something fun for yourself!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Tell us more.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

what's the something special you suggested? the ideas by others to do something you want to do sound good. or was this something special that requires your wife's participation?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I got the invitation and you misspelled the acronym for birthday "BD." Your wife thought that she is invited to your "BJ" Party and may have forgotten that it is your birthday. 

Looks like it will just be the two of us Plan! I tell you sad stories of how I turn down my wife's BJs in favor of traditional love making because I prefer to hold her in my arms, but she will refuse and insist that I just get a BJ. We can both just sit next to each other and cry, but I will bring my RC helicopters and we can hunt each other down from the sky and I will let you win since it is your Birthday. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## skynet (Jul 9, 2015)

Your wife obviously hates you.

You are still with her exactly why?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Yes, the thing(s) I asked for would involve her participation in the bedroom. I asked if she would wear something sexy to bed (thong would be great) or if she would shave. Both options are a no. 

Problem is that this is not one of those hills worth dying on, because we have a great sex life overall. Even if I wanted to, it's kinda hard to attempt to stick to my guns and "insist" on her doing one of these things because after I asked and we talked it over for a very short time - she tells me no. Then she told me that she talked to some of her friends more about how their intimacy is plus looked up some statistics on sex and...she tells me that I have it VERY good. Plus on top of that, last night we had awesome sex with a number of "O My God's" thrown in by both of us (in low voices since we still have the kids somewhere in the house).

So the issue is kinda hopeless for me. With a number of the stories on here, there is room for negotiation. Not in my case. We're healthy when it comes to sex, spending time together, date nights, communication, etc. The Law of Diminishing Returns tells us that the stronger your starting point, the progressively harder it becomes to move the needle further.

I know what the responses will be. But it's frustrating that things that we used to do when we were younger are off the table today. I guess it's the physical limitations and emotional development that comes with age.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Does she offer any explanation of WHY she won't do these things? Or is it just "no"? 

The fact that she's looking up statistics to support why she doesn't have to do anything is troubling.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I have a birthday coming up soon and I inquired about doing something special on that day. I got shot down. So frustrating. Just venting a little.


The problem here is you inquired about something special. You should have said this is what I'm doing on my birthday...then proceed to tell your W your plans. If she would like to join then do so. If not, no love lost. Go enjoy the day you have planned.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

skynet said:


> Your wife obviously hates you.
> 
> You are still with her exactly why?


I have such a cross to bear... :wink2:

:rofl:


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I could understand if you asked her to swing or do a threesome for your birthday, but shave and wear a thong? That seems minimal stuff to me. Hair grows back and a thong is just underwear that is quickly discarded. How is this even a NO ever? There has to be more to your request.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Does she offer any explanation of WHY she won't do these things? Or is it just "no"?
> 
> The fact that she's looking up statistics to support why she doesn't have to do anything is troubling.


No worries about her looking things up or talking to friends. We communicate well and things are solid. I think it comes from the fact that she knows that we have a good thing. She just wanted to reinforce the point. If things start to degrade, believe me I would not take it lying down like a lamb to the slaughter. When either one of us feels upset, we mince no words and communicate it directly in most cases. 

The no's are because it makes her feel 1) uncomfortable and 2) she no longer likes it. I think it's that case where the older someone gets the more sure they are of what they like and don't like. And, she will tell me that I have it good with her or that she spoils me. I tell her the same thing too, because she has a good life as well.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> No worries about her looking things up or talking to friends. We communicate well and things are solid. I think it comes from the fact that she knows that we have a good thing. She just wanted to reinforce the point. If things start to degrade, believe me I would not take it lying down like a lamb to the slaughter. When either one of us feels upset, we mince no words and communicate it directly in most cases.
> 
> The no's are because it makes her feel 1) uncomfortable and 2) she no longer likes it. I think it's that case where the older someone gets the more sure they are of what they like and don't like. And, she will tell me that I have it good with her or that she spoils me. I tell her the same thing too, because she has a good life as well.


How does shaving and a thong make her feel degraded?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

bkyln309 said:


> How does shaving and a thong make her feel degraded?


Not degraded - uncomfortable. She doesn't care for how the thong feels and she does not like the feel of hair growing back in. The shaving I can understand, but the thong would be only worn in bed and probably no longer than 10 minutes.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Bugged said:


> Honestly ...my partner always wanted a similar thing for his birthday..me in lingerie..I always found the request quite annoying and turned it down...usually you decide what gift to give your SO for his/her birthday...the 'it's my birthday and I'd like x'...I don't know...never liked the attitude...like when my parents would give me the money to buy what i wanted...logical but 'cold'...
> Am I the only one?:frown2:


Yes. I actually like to give gifts that the person wants and will enjoy not something they're going to stuff in a closet, regift or donate later.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Bugged said:


> Honestly ...my partner always wanted a similar thing for his birthday..me in lingerie..I always found the request quite annoying and turned it down...usually you decide what gift to give your SO for his/her birthday...the 'it's my birthday and I'd like x'...I don't know...never liked the attitude...like when my parents would give me the money to buy what i wanted...logical but 'cold'...
> Am I the only one?:frown2:


My husband was into fishnet type things. I wore them occassionally. When I removed all of his stuff from our bedroom, I put all of that in a bag and left it with his belongings. He says he threw it out. Whether he did that or gave them to her, well, if she wants to wear his wife's sexy wear, then that's on her. I'll never wear those things again - especially after seeing pictures he'd saved of her in similar. Puke.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Honestly ...my partner always wanted a similar thing for his birthday..me in lingerie..I always found the request quite annoying and turned it down...usually you decide what gift to give your SO for his/her birthday...the 'it's my birthday and I'd like x'...I don't know...never liked the attitude...like when my parents would give me the money to buy what i wanted...logical but 'cold'...
> Am I the only one?:frown2:


No, you're not the only one. But the club of those who are wrong about something is rarely that exclusive.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Not degraded - uncomfortable. She doesn't care for how the thong feels and she does not like the feel of hair growing back in. The shaving I can understand, but the thong would be only worn in bed and probably no longer than 10 minutes.



This is an excuse pure and simple. Sorry but your wife just doesnt want to be inconvenienced. To me, its sad and pathetic. You cant do something for a good husband that takes less than 5 or 10 minutes. Wow!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

bkyln309 said:


> How does shaving and a thong make her feel degraded?


Off the top of my head, I can think of several potential reasons. Do you find me unattractive as I am? Why do you want me to look like a pre-pubescent girl? Why don't you care enough about my feelings to want me to go through the inevitable irritation of regrowth? Why do you want me to wear the single least comfortable piece of clothing ever invented by man to arouse you?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Not degraded - uncomfortable. She doesn't care for how the thong feels and she does not like the feel of hair growing back in. The shaving I can understand, but the thong would be only worn in bed and probably no longer than 10 minutes.


Then don't fixate on these.

Find other things that achieve similar effects.

There's plenty of sexy lingerie that aren't thongs.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Bugged said:


> Honestly ...my partner always wanted a similar thing for his birthday..me in lingerie..I always found the request quite annoying and turned it down...usually you decide what gift to give your SO for his/her birthday...the 'it's my birthday and I'd like x'...I don't know...never liked the attitude...like when my parents would give me the money to buy what i wanted...logical but 'cold'...
> Am I the only one?:frown2:


Sounds like your partner's birthdays are more about what you want than about what he wants.


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## J.deere (Jul 8, 2015)

I think comparing to others is bad. Everyone is different. So if 1 couple mutually are prudes or don't do much doesn't mean every couple should be like that. I hate that so much. Also the internet are just statistics and averages. Again I hate that. I've been in a similar situation and we are in therapy for it. Hopefully things get more adventerous


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

If she's not comfortable with the shaving and thong, why not ask her for something sexy, but leave it up to her to pick what it is? That way you get the sexy clothes or whatever she does, and she will feel more comfortable.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

badaboom said:


> If she's not comfortable with the shaving and thong, why not ask her for something sexy, but leave it up to her to pick what it is? That way you get the sexy clothes or whatever she does, and she will feel more comfortable.


I like the look of a thong on her, but I get both your and marduk's points. It won't be for me b-day, but I'm going to change my approach on the lingerie.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

J.deere said:


> I think comparing to others is bad. Everyone is different. So if 1 couple mutually are prudes or don't do much doesn't mean every couple should be like that. I hate that so much. Also the internet are just statistics and averages. Again I hate that. I've been in a similar situation and we are in therapy for it. *Hopefully things get more adventerous*


To be fair to my wife, we are fairly adventurous. We do a variety of positions and we do have oral on occasion as well as anal. Most of the adventurous things that we do now are related to having sex at different places besides the bedroom from time to time and the wide variety of positions that we do.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> To be fair to my wife, we are fairly adventurous. We do a variety of positions and we do have oral on occasion as well as anal. Most of the adventurous things that we do now are related to having sex at different places besides the bedroom from time to time and the wide variety of positions that we do.


In the words of Stephen Wright - you can't have everything. Where would you put it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Arguing or negotiating for something sexual never works with women. That's the path to pity sex. You have to up her attraction for you. Once the she's really into you, most wives willingly show you her inner ****. Your task. Get hotter.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Does she offer any explanation of WHY she won't do these things? Or is it just "no"?
> 
> The fact that she's looking up statistics to support why she doesn't have to do anything is troubling.





Plan 9 from OS said:


> The no's are because it makes her feel 1) uncomfortable and 2) she no longer likes it.



I'll add to the discussion that I have been in the exact same boat with my wife saying no and looking up statistics to tell me that I have it good. As for the reasons my wife says no:

1) She wants me to respect her as a person and friend first and gets frustrated to know that I always seem to be daydreaming about having my way with her when we talk. She has told me that this sometimes makes her feel like my sex object that walks around the house. 

2) She wants me to respect the fact that we do actually have a good sex life and that too much of a good thing is like "forcing someone to eat ice cream for every meal."

...as for my wife researching statistics. She knows we have a good marriage and a healthy sex life and feels the need to quote unbiased opinions to make sure I am indeed the crazy one and not her! :laugh:

Now, Plan if you want to know your wife's reaction and why she said "no" to your birthday request (without me making stupid comments), I imagine your request came across to her as a specific form of you rejecting her as if just being "herself" for you is not what makes you happy. You might would have had better luck asking for her to do something spicy and that what ever she chooses would make you happy. This way, SHE is the one choosing the gift of spice that she would want to do for you and let her take ownership of the gift you get. 

Sorry for my rude comment earlier (actually I am not!), but your misery gives me joy in knowing that I am not alone! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I'll add to the discussion that I have been in the exact same boat with my wife saying no and looking up statistics to tell me that I have it good. As for the reasons my wife says no:
> 
> 1) She wants me to respect her as a person and friend first and gets frustrated to know that I always seem to be daydreaming about having my way with her when we talk. She has told me that this sometimes makes her feel like my sex object that walks around the house.
> 
> ...


I'll have to reread what you wrote, because I didn't take it as being rude. Also, I have pretty thick skin because I can dish it out a lot too... 

But you are probably pretty accurate on your assessment. I know she's called me a "typical man" who always has sex on his mind. Normally, I respond with "So, your point?". We enjoy the banter and the verbal jousting from time to time, but invariably there is some kernel of truth to it. She has accused me of always wanting more and that what she does is never good enough. I don't mean to come across as that way to her, but on occasion we have this discussion. We have a good marriage, but I'd never say that either of us are perfect.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> In the words of Stephen Wright - you can't have everything. Where would you put it?


"I would trade it all...for a little more.". Monty Burns (Matt Groening).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I got the invitation and you misspelled the acronym for birthday "BD." Your wife thought that she is invited to your "BJ" Party and may have forgotten that it is your birthday.
> 
> *Looks like it will just be the two of us Plan! *I tell you sad stories of how I turn down my wife's BJs in favor of traditional love making because I prefer to hold her in my arms, but she will refuse and insist that I just get a BJ. We can both just sit next to each other and cry, but I will bring my RC helicopters and we can hunt each other down from the sky and I will let you win since it is your Birthday.
> 
> ...












LOL, j/k. Sounds like we are coming from the opposite ends then. I can get all the PIV I want in a lovemaking session, but lucky to get a 2 min BJ. You can get all the oral you want but get short shrifted on the PIV.


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## wrk4marriage (Jul 9, 2015)

bkyln309 said:


> I could understand if you asked her to swing or do a threesome for your birthday, but shave and wear a thong? That seems minimal stuff to me. Hair grows back and a thong is just underwear that is quickly discarded. How is this even a NO ever? There has to be more to your request.


I have to agree with this. Your request is pretty innocuous, so her absolute reluctance is concerning. I suggest approaching this with compassion as it may be touching on her insecurities that may have developed with time.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Bugged said:


> I get what you're saying..but would you go to one of your best friends saying..'it's my birthday, I'd really like X..can you get it for me'?
> I mean..is that something you would do? Why is it any different with you Wife/so..
> I dunno...:nerd:


Bugged, everyone is different and the giver normally has an idea of what the receiver is like and will act accordingly. Some people want to be surprised, so they may give someone a list or may not give anything and want to be truly surprised. Others are not so much into surprises and the gift giver is aware and would typically as "what would you like", get a small list, and choose something off the list. 

What is typical for most is built around the "santa model" that we learn as kids. Kids put a list together of the things they would love to have, and mom and dads have an idea of what the kids want and will buy so that they don't waste their money. As we mature, we tend to keep that model in mind as both givers and receivers. No one wants to give/receive a gift that is not wanted/desired. Most will fake it if they must, but neither wants that for the other.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Bugged said:


> I get what you're saying..but would you go to one of your best friends saying..'it's my birthday, I'd really like X..can you get it for me'?
> I mean..is that something you would do? Why is it any different with you Wife/so..
> I dunno...:nerd:


Of course I would.

Last christmas, phone call with my brother in law... "Listen dude, cut the bull****. I'm at the mall wandering around with my thumb up my ass trying to figure out what the hell to get you. Why don't you just tell me so I can get it for you, that way I get the hell out of here knowing I'm getting you what you want. I do the same for you. We both win."

Why do people make christmas wish lists?

Because it works for everyone.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'll have to reread what you wrote, because I didn't take it as being rude. Also, I have pretty thick skin because I can dish it out a lot too...
> 
> She has accused me of always wanting more and that what she does is never good enough. I don't mean to come across as that way to her, but on occasion we have this discussion. We have a good marriage, but I'd never say that either of us are perfect.


To be real, that's how you sound to me, too. And for full disclosure, this is exactly the same thing my wife says about me, and it's also somewhat justified. 

It says less about you than it does about the gulf between you and your spouse. A gulf which it seems your spouse does better than most to bridge.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> To be real, that's how you sound to me, too. And for full disclosure, this is exactly the same thing my wife says about me, and it's also somewhat justified.
> 
> It says less about you than it does about the gulf between you and your spouse. A gulf which it seems your spouse does better than most to bridge.


I know, my wife isn't completely unjustified about it either. I can get insatiable when it comes to sex - to a point. I try to make a much more conscious effort to let her know how much I appreciate and enjoyed our intimacy together. I always enjoy being intimate with my wife and feel closer to her afterwards (whether it's lovemaking or screwing). But a valid criticism of me is to always look for more. 

Hopefully, His noodly appendage will touch me and fill me with the desire to be better!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Bugged said:


> Some do it for Xmas..but do you do it for your birthday? I'd find it very strange if a friend made a request like that honestly...


I'd be relieved.

As long as the request wasn't for me to wear an uncomfortable thong.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Some do it for Xmas..but do you do it for your birthday? I'd find it very strange if a friend made a request like that honestly...


IDK, in most cases I've experienced in life you aren't typically buying gifts for friends on their BDays. Maybe a card, and if you are buying a gift a gift card in a card that you know your friend would use. But for the most part, I'm not buying friends presents. During XMAS, I'm not buying all my friends and family presents either. The only people getting presents are Wife, kids, nieces and nephews, 1 secret santa gift with adult family members and 1 white elephant gift among friends.

I'd be in the poor house if I had to buy gifts for everyone I'm related to and close to.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

marduk said:


> I'd be relieved.
> 
> As long as the request wasn't for me to wear an uncomfortable thong.


Clearly you don't love me...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Clearly you don't love me...


A bit of a rash assessment, since you've never seen me in a thong.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> I actually think this is great advice (not a dog necessarily). Your birthday is YOUR day. That doesn't mean she's obligated to do anything for you sexually or otherwise, but it DOES mean that if she decides she doesn't want to play along with what you want, you can do whatever you want for yourself.
> 
> Get up early. Leave the house without her. Go fishing. Go bungee jumping. Go smoke a doobie and watch the sunset. Whatever you want. Then come home with a gigantic smile on your face.
> 
> Just like she's not obligated to do anything "special" for you, you aren't obligated to sit around and be miserable with her.


Agree 1000% great post. That was going to be my suggestion. If you know that she won't do anything for your special days, just accept that and do something special for yourself, better yet something she wouldn't approve of. Then after that start planning your exit strategy.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Bugged said:


> Honestly ...my partner always wanted a similar thing for his birthday..me in lingerie..I always found the request quite annoying and turned it down...*usually you decide what gift to give your SO for his/her birthday.*..the 'it's my birthday and I'd like x'...I don't know...never liked the attitude...like when my parents would give me the money to buy what i wanted...logical but 'cold'...
> Am I the only one?:frown2:


Yes I decide what gift to give him and strangely it is something I know he wants. TBH the concept of "turning down" such a simple gift request seems controlling and passive aggressive on the part of the supposed gift giver.

OP your requests are so basic I can see why you needed to vent. You want such normal, everyday things it would piss me off to get a refusal.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> To be fair to my wife, we are fairly adventurous. We do a variety of positions and we do have oral on occasion as well as anal. Most of the adventurous things that we do now are related to having sex at different places besides the bedroom from time to time and the wide variety of positions that we do.


No to wearing a thong, but does Anal...

People really do have their own ideas of what is comfortable and what's not. That's what makes the world great!

My wifey is the opposite. She like wearing thongs and walking around the house every night without pants on (after the kids are asleep, of course), but she's not really into Anal....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

bkyln309 said:


> I could understand if you asked her to swing or do a threesome for your birthday, but shave and wear a thong? That seems minimal stuff to me. Hair grows back and a thong is just underwear that is quickly discarded. How is this even a NO ever? There has to be more to your request.



There is. She's thinking once she "gives in" to benign requests like those, he will come back asking for way more. Today the thong, tomorrow 50 shades type thing.

She's comfortable where things are, plain and simple.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My wife wears a thong for my birthday. I'm so flattered that I don't have the heart to let her know that they are't particularly my thing or that she has other lingerie that I prefer. The idea that she is trying to be sexy for me is what matters and its wonderful. It also used to be the only time I would get oral, but she is now doing that (at least some) much more often, which is wonderful.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hi Plan, 

One thought is that you could one day strategically replace all your wife's underwear with thongs. Then don't say anything as if you have no idea what happened. 

As for shaving, you could offer to order a very nice home laser hair removal device. Then she would not have to deal with the itchy process of hair growing back in suddenly. 

Badsanta


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Plan,

You know I like you right? So I'm asking here, not poking. 

Did you already know that: 
- she dislikes shaving/itch factor 
And
- finds thongs uncomfortable 

Before you asked? 

Because if you did know that - I don't know - it doesn't feel quite right to me. 





Plan 9 from OS said:


> I have a birthday coming up soon and I inquired about doing something special on that day. I got shot down. So frustrating. Just venting a little.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

After reading a lot of threads where people are having really miserable lives, it's actually enjoyable once in awhile to see someone complaining about a small thing when things are going well for them in general (including sex). Thanks!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

When I first read it - I wondered if she has a body-consciousness issue. Because, I don't think your request is out there. Your comment about her looking things up to prove how good you get it suggests she's got some resentments around something regarding your sex life and her drawing a line over such a small sexual thing for your birthday is a revenge of sorts.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Plan,
> 
> You know I like you right? So I'm asking here, not poking.
> 
> ...


These are things that we used to do - not all the time - but in our past she would on rare occasion wear a thong. Shaving, was done more frequently in the past. I'll admit she did mention those and yes, I did ask knowing that it's not something she loves doing.

I understand your point. I also think a counterpoint can be made as well. If you only ask your spouse to do only those things he/she enjoys or only those things that don't make him/her uncomfortable, that inhibits marital growth. There is a continuum on where asking a spouse to go outside the comfort zone is acceptable and when it's not. Obviously engaging in something that would result in physical or emotional harm is off the table. But is asking for something that is slightly uncomfortable automatically out of bounds? I don't think it should be. There are always things that come up in the marriage that you would rather not do, but you try your best to contribute to the marriage so that your spouse is happy. As long as there is healthy give and take, I don't see where the issue is.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Yes, the thing(s) I asked for would involve her participation in the bedroom. I asked if she would wear something sexy to bed (thong would be great) or if she would shave. Both options are a no.
> 
> Problem is that this is not one of those hills worth dying on, because we have a great sex life overall. Even if I wanted to, it's kinda hard to attempt to stick to my guns and "insist" on her doing one of these things because after I asked and we talked it over for a very short time - she tells me no. Then she told me that she talked to some of her friends more about how their intimacy is plus looked up some statistics on sex and...she tells me that I have it VERY good. Plus on top of that, last night we had awesome sex with a number of "O My God's" thrown in by both of us (in low voices since we still have the kids somewhere in the house).
> 
> ...


My initial tale on this was that it was wrong of your wife to deny such simple requests. I was also bothered by her "looking things up" to show you how good you had it.

However, on further review, I'm wondering if your wife is feeling properly appreciated for the things she does do (which are, admittedly, more than many husbands can expect).

Is she aware of how much you do appreciate what she does? I perform many acts of service for my wife. If she gave the impression that they were expected, I might be reluctant to perform even more. But, she makes her appreciation of my efforts well known and so, I would be likely to fulfill any request not likely to cause me physical harm.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> My initial tale on this was that it was wrong of your wife to deny such simple requests. I was also bothered by her "looking things up" to show you how good you had it.
> 
> However, on further review, I'm wondering if your wife is feeling properly appreciated for the things she does do (which are, admittedly, more than many husbands can expect).
> 
> Is she aware of how much you do appreciate what she does? I perform many acts of service for my wife. If she gave the impression that they were expected, I might be reluctant to perform even more. But, she makes her appreciation of my efforts well known and so, I would be likely to fulfill any request not likely to cause me physical harm.


I do not believe that I take her for granted. I do my best to show gratitude and appreciation for what she does for me. I think her biggest issue as to why she looked up some stats plus canvased a few of her friends was because she thinks I try for more. It's a valid criticism that I try to work on. Usually I try not to do those types of things anymore.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I do not believe that I take her for granted. I do my best to show gratitude and appreciation for what she does for me. I think her biggest issue as to why she looked up some stats plus canvased a few of her friends was because she thinks I try for more. It's a valid criticism that I try to work on. Usually I try not to do those types of things anymore.


Hey Plan, 

I always try to show my gratitude for how wonderful my wife is to me, but she often does NOT get it. She easily thinks I am being nice to her because:


I am building desire and in the mood for sex soon and my acts of kindness are to try and manipulate her in the near future. 
I feel guilty for recently pushing too much and creating an argument over sex.

Conveying sincere gratitude can sometimes be tricky for us. The best way I have found, it to straightforward tell my wife that she is "wonderful and that while I know it has to be challenging being married to such a hyperactive pervert such as myself, that I would never change anything as I enjoy her driving me crazy!" My wife tends to respond to that fairly well. 

Instead of arguing over sex, divert your talents to arguing for her to be better friends with you or trying to get more exercise together. 

Cheers, 
BS


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry, I am late to the party.
However, No and No to Plans' birthday request have nothing to do with discomfort: *they are about power...and control.* If not, his wife could of said "How about a neglige? I get pretty uncomfortable shaving and in a thong."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have this book? It would be a great way to build some of that fun stuff back into your marriage.
http://www.amazon.com/52-Invitations-To-Grrreat-Sex/dp/0974259918


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Do you have this book? It would be a great way to build some of that fun stuff back into your marriage.
> 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick: Laura Corn: 9780974259918: Amazon.com: Books


Nope. Looks pretty cool though. I've been thinking about getting some materials for us to use to spice up the intimacy. PIV is great - we do all sorts of positions. Having sex in different places away from the bed and bedroom is also fine. It's the support stuff that has been slowly going away.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Tito Santana said:


> No to wearing a thong, but does Anal...
> 
> People really do have their own ideas of what is comfortable and what's not. That's what makes the world great!
> 
> My wifey is the opposite. She like wearing thongs and walking around the house every night without pants on (after the kids are asleep, of course), but she's not really into Anal....


I'm curious as to why you capitalized anal. Twice.

To the OP, who cares what the statistics are, and how often her friends do it? They are not you. Why shouldn't you try for more if you want it?

Based on the limited information you've provided, I'd say that you are intimate with your wife more than she would like, and her flat out "no" to your request has a splash of resentment thrown in there. Couple that with the fact that she's looking up statistics, it sounds more like she's saying "I give you more than everyone else is getting. How dare you want even more than that!"

I think the suggestion of getting up and doing what you want on your birthday is a fabulous idea. Mine is coming up in a couple of weeks and I think I'm going to steal that idea for myself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell her to survey some TAM wives.

We got some frisky babes on this site.

Mrs. Conan has started dressing up in a very tight Batgirl outfit.

SPICY!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Recently Mr H came home to find me wearing nothing but some 6" heels while lying on the bed reading a magazine. It doesn't take much to add some spice. If your wife doesn't like thongs (I get that) there are so many other, very simple ways to put a smile on your spouses face, it is all in the intent, make them happy or keep them down.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I used to pick my H up from the airport late at night, wearing a raincoat. And nothing else.  And take a detour on the way home.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I'm not a fan of thongs either. So I don't actually own any... But I suppose if I had some and my SO wanted me to wear them...I probably would. 

But shaving? No way. If you want the hair gone pay for waxing in a nice salon. Shaving is not a one night commitment. It's a pain to keep up, and it itches like crazy when it grows back. Plus there's the ingrown hair issue.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> I used to pick my H up from the airport late at night, wearing a raincoat. And nothing else.  And take a detour on the way home.


According to Plan, He would still get in an argument with his wife if she was just wearing a raincoat, because he specifically wanted a thong.


*Raincoat ≠ Thong*​

And now for some advice from Freddy Maugatai about trying to look sexy in a raincoat: 
_"Dude, don't be afraid to take off your coat when it is -20º outside and freezing rain smacks you upside the face, otherwise you look like a weakling to everyone!"_


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## SweetDesires (Jul 20, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Nope. Looks pretty cool though. I've been thinking about getting some materials for us to use to spice up the intimacy. PIV is great - we do all sorts of positions. Having sex in different places away from the bed and bedroom is also fine. It's the support stuff that has been slowly going away.


Hi Plan 9, That is a good book. I got through the first two pages and It was so fun. Unfortunately my H didn't give me his invitation. I was so excited then heart broken. My invitation told him to bring a tie and ice. If I recall. Since then I have perfected that technique. Sorry to say, on another man. I learned many techniques trying to seduce my DH. I love him, but opened the marriage to get sex. 

lol, There is my review on the first page. I can't even remember it, it was so long ago. It gave me ideas though, to use on another man. Fire and Ice fellatio, him blindfolded by his tie. > 
ruh, roh, off to read the rules to see if I can post erotic graphics in this section or if I should stick to a sex forum for that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I see a 2nd for 52 invitations, so it looks like I really need to investigate further.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I really think it's the most unique thing I've ever come across, and the best way to build up closeness in the bedroom...the invitations kind of make you 'on the same team' where you're setting up a fun experience that only the two of you are in on, it adds in the excitement that you might even experience in 'clandestine' arrangments, IYKWIM. It's just cool. If I ever get close enough to my H again, I will start initiating my 26 invitations again.

And Sweet Desires, it's not a tit-for-tat situation. If he doesn't send you an invitation the next week, so what? Go ahead and send him another of yours. Let him see how it benefits the marriage. If it's fun enough, rewarding enough, he'll get in line with it eventually.


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## SweetDesires (Jul 20, 2015)

One year I asked for a birthday in the bedroom. John Lennon style: all day. I told him I just wanted to in a romantic atmosphere all day long. He said no. 

Seems like they could suck it up for a day. No skin off their backs. 
Happy Birthday when it comes.


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