# Variety



## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I would like to hear from the men in regards to what "variety" means to them. We hear all the time that all men need variety. There are also a lot of posts about men finding this variety either through affairs or porn. I would like to know what exactly variety means to you. Is it different positions, different locations, different women???? I think it would be interesting for women to understand the specifics of a man's need for variety. One thing I have learned from this site is that often times men and women use the same words but mean totally different things. Men????


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

variety to me would mean my wife showing strong interest and not sitting back waiting. make some moves and take what you want, be confident not shy.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I can only speak for me, so here goes.
I want to be teased some. A slight fondle in a restaurant with a wink that lets me know that I am in for more later.
Remember when you were dating and couldn't keep your hands off of your love? I want that attitude now.
I want to be chased, I want to be wanted.
I want to cop a quick feel in the theater and maybe even go down on each other if the movie is boring.
I want to make out in a car in the parking lot.
I want to have a quickie in the park when no one is looking.
I want to have fantasies acted out in the bedroom, too. I want my woman to dress up in lingerie for me. I'll wear whatever she wants as well.
I want to call my wife at work and tell her that I am so horny I can't even zip up my pants right now.

I want spice, but I also want slow, sensual, lovemaking where we touch everything and we're not in a hurry.
I want evenings with candles, massage oil, and a hot tub.
I want vanilla sex once in a while.

I always want to do something unexpected and I want the same from her.

I want to talk dirty to her at the beach until she grabs the towels and says, "Let's go back to the car. NOW!"

I want a phone message from her telling me all the things that she wants to do to me when she gets home from work. Then I have a few hours to agonize over it.


How's that?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think variety means a variety of experiences. If a woman is willing to vary the sex, then I think that would satisfy most men's desire for variety. Unfortunately, women often find something that works and then want to stick to that script most of the time. Do step 1 for 2.5 minutes, then proceed to step 2. Wait, that's step 3, you have to go back.

So I think couples should mix it up. Wear lingerie or a costume once in a while. Role play once in a while. Switch positions frequently. Switch locations occasionally. Commit to try something new, whatever it is, every once in a while.

I think much of men's desire for variety of partners is actually a desire for variety of experience. But the easiest way to vary your experience is to vary your partners. A new girl obviously won't have sex the same way your wife likes to.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

DanF said:


> I can only speak for me, so here goes.
> I want to be teased some. A slight fondle in a restaurant with a wink that lets me know that I am in for more later.
> Remember when you were dating and couldn't keep your hands off of your love? I want that attitude now.
> I want to be chased, I want to be wanted.
> ...


Those are all the things *I want* from my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP what do YOU think it means and what specifically are you threatened by?


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I'm wouldn't say I am threatened by anything but more curious about what type of variety men talk about. The responses make sense- a variety of experiences not necessarily a variety of women. It also makes sense that it is easier to get that variety from different women than creating different experiences with your spouse.
The reason for bringing up the topic is that one of the things my husband said to me after I discovered that he looks at porn on a regular basis was that "men like variety". I will say this bothered me because I understood it to mean a variety of different women and I wasn't enough. I think he probably meant what most of the men have responded....same old sex in the same old place gets old and we need to create new experiences.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

stritle said:


> careful with that one, they KNOW what you are up to.
> 
> we had 2 theater workers come in and sit on either side of my wife and i .


That sucks!

The last time we went, two fat ******** and their two loud fat kids sat right behind us.


Dammit!!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DanF said:


> I can only speak for me, so here goes.
> I want to be teased some. A slight fondle in a restaurant with a wink that lets me know that I am in for more later.
> Remember when you were dating and couldn't keep your hands off of your love? I want that attitude now.
> I want to be chased, I want to be wanted.
> ...


Excellent !  This kind of stuff is what keeps the passion flowing, the hormones pumping and you craving your spouse /Lover. 

I have a wonderful faithful devoted husband of over 20 yrs, I take care of his every sexual desire & some he never even suggested (me wanting more variety than him). He really has no need for a little porn, but I want his honesty above all and he admits to still enjoying it.  

He likes the softer stuff like still photos of Playboy bunnies- collects them online. His interest in that has been since he was 12 yrs old- back then getting the magazines. I feel no threat by this. (I used too when I was younger in the marraige but he never put this before me). Now I am very sexually minded myself so it is all good. 

We both get a little variety when we watch porn together, still on the softer side though - and just doing lots of EXCITING things like DanF suggested .


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

married woman said:


> I'm wouldn't say I am threatened by anything but more curious about what type of variety men talk about. The responses make sense- a variety of experiences not necessarily a variety of women. It also makes sense that it is easier to get that variety from different women than creating different experiences with your spouse.
> The reason for bringing up the topic is that one of the things my husband said to me after I discovered that he looks at porn on a regular basis was that "men like variety". I will say this bothered me because I understood it to mean a variety of different women and I wasn't enough. I think he probably meant what most of the men have responded....same old sex in the same old place gets old and we need to create new experiences.


I can understand that point of view. For me, "variety" can mean different things, dependent on the context. 

"Variety" in the sense of actual activity means my wife and I not doing the same thing in each and every encounter...changing things up from time to time, rated than using the same proverbial script.

Speaking purely visually, however, "variety" means what it sounds like your husband was getting at. Think of it this way...sometimes you like watching a comedy and sometimes a drama, right? Sometimes you want to listen to a slow song, sometimes a fast song. The same principle applies when choosing visual stimulation. And, the same can work in reverse...sometimes my wife likes Alexander Skaarsgard, and sometimes she likes Alex O'Laughlin.

Me? While watching Warehouse 13 last night, it finally clicked for me...between that show's Allison Scagliotti, Smallville's Allison Mack, and my long-standing crush on Alyson Hannigan, it appears I have a weakness for cute actresses named Alyson/Allison who play kinda geeky characters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

married woman said:


> I'm wouldn't say I am threatened by anything but more curious about what type of variety men talk about. The responses make sense- a variety of experiences not necessarily a variety of women. It also makes sense that it is easier to get that variety from different women than creating different experiences with your spouse.
> The reason for bringing up the topic is that one of the things my husband said to me after I discovered that he looks at porn on a regular basis was that "men like variety". I will say this bothered me because I understood it to mean a variety of different women and I wasn't enough. I think he probably meant what most of the men have responded....same old sex in the same old place gets old and we need to create new experiences.


I'm not sure that I would agree that having a lot of different women would be easier than creating different experiences with your spouse. That seems like a sure-fire way to create a lot of "bad drama" variety and would be like starting over again and again and again. 

However, people tend to get in ruts really easily and you have to make a bit of effort to get out of those ruts. Often, simple things can pull you out of a rut. For instance, many years ago I decided I really liked a certain position and that's what I wanted to do. But, after awhile my husband was getting tired of it. He let me keep the position, but he would literally move me to different sides of the bed, upside down in the bed, on the floor of the bedroom, on the floor of the closet, stroked with feathers, with ice cubes, etc.

Variety may be the spice of life, but it sure can be good when you are exploring it with someone you love and who loves you.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

married woman said:


> I would like to hear from the men in regards to what "variety" means to them. We hear all the time that all men need variety. There are also a lot of posts about men finding this variety either through affairs or porn. I would like to know what exactly variety means to you. Is it different positions, different locations, different women???? I think it would be interesting for women to understand the specifics of a man's need for variety. One thing I have learned from this site is that often times men and women use the same words but mean totally different things. Men????



Have you ever heard a guy say "I got some strange last night" ? I think the excitement of a new relationship is hard to recreate in a marriage. Unfortunately, many guys are unwilling to live with the reduced sexual energy level that most marriages seem to experience. How many long term marriages continue to have wild sex with each other? Too much baggage in the way I think. 

I'm married 17 years and my wife doesn't feel she needs to prioritize our sex life. I would be very excited if my wife did the following:

1. Made an honest effort to be playful and sexy.
2. Loose her inhibitions and baggage.
3. Told me she enjoys our sex life (When I deserve it). 
4. Had a sense of humor about sexuality and marriage.

I know. Dream on.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

DanF said:


> I can only speak for me, so here goes.
> I want to be teased some. A slight fondle in a restaurant with a wink that lets me know that I am in for more later.
> Remember when you were dating and couldn't keep your hands off of your love? I want that attitude now.
> I want to be chased, I want to be wanted.
> ...


This pretty much says it for me to, but I do realize that Barbiedoll is right - it is a two way street.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

barbieDoll said:


> Those are all the things *I want* from my husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





DanF said:


> I can only speak for me, so here goes.
> I want to be teased some. A slight fondle in a restaurant with a wink that lets me know that I am in for more later.
> Remember when you were dating and couldn't keep your hands off of your love? I want that attitude now.
> I want to be chased, I want to be wanted.
> ...


haha those are all things *I want* from my husband too.

I told him recently I've always wanted to be sitting at a quiet bar by myself and the waiter brings over a drink and says "courtesy of the man at the table in the corner." He looked at me a little confused so I had to spell it out for him  that I'd love for him to tell me to meet him at a bar and act out this stranger-sends-over-the-drink scenario to spark off an evening of flirtation between us....


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Ahh... For me, it's simple...
Variety to me, is NOT sticking to one role...
I want you to be my...
Wife
Lover
Girlfriend
Best friend
Mistress
Playmate
Porn star
In no particular order...
Do different things, positions, ect.
And I don't mean, do these things like the porn star on a video...
I want you to add your own style, show me how you do sex style "x"... Show me your style of... Submission, Dominance, ect...
In short be you, showing me how you can go from taking the lead to being dominated...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

To me variety means keeping it fresh and new. BE ADVENTUROUS, talk dirty to me, share fantasies with me, act out fantasies with me. Be a little ****ty with your dress and makeup (and own it when you do). In short be a different women in bed from time to time. 

And the sword cuts both ways. I try to do the same for her. All I need is a little communication from her that tells me what she fantasizes about and I'm on it like a dog on a bone.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> haha those are all things *I want* from my husband too.
> 
> I told him recently I've always wanted to be sitting at a quiet bar by myself and the waiter brings over a drink and says "courtesy of the man at the table in the corner." He looked at me a little confused so I had to spell it out for him  that I'd love for him to tell me to meet him at a bar and act out this stranger-sends-over-the-drink scenario to spark off an evening of flirtation between us....



LOL I've wanted to do this with my wife on one of our cruises but havent quite been able to figure out how to bring it up with out having to spell it out to and feel like a dork.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No in the kitchen, no in the shower, no on the couch. Ahh variety, the places we will no.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

For me it means using her mouth more. Sorry to be so literal or graphic but I LOVE oral and she HATES it. So that would be variety for me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> LOL I've wanted to do this with my wife on one of our cruises but havent quite been able to figure out how to bring it up with out having to spell it out to and feel like a dork.


It's not as much fun spelling it out but sometimes it's needed  When I was telling him about the idea, he asked what this 'stranger' would look like that was sending me the drink. I started describing _his_ features and, although he's a switched-on kind of guy, the emotions we've been going through lately must have over-rode his thinking. His facial expression changed just slightly, and I had to laugh and say "You do know that I'm describing YOU right?" ........and that's why I had to really spell it out for him. We haven't had a chance to go out since I suggested it but last night I did mention a drink I'd like to try one day. I gave him a wink and he made it clear he knew what I was referring to. I'd love to dress up for him and arrive at the bar independently to start this scenario. Anyway I don't mean to get off topic.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

This seems like one of those where there is no one answer and every answer is individual. For me variety is not falling into some sort of routine - this is no place for automatic pilot. In our relationship variety isn't about something drastically different but rather a different approach to the same thing. Lots of dirty talk? No, but a comment here and there works wonders. Lots of oral? No, but it makes a great part of foreplay. Need a lot of aggressive behavior from my partner? No, but having her take a little control now and again is wonderful. Long and slow sessions mixed with quickies - although we have never seemed quite like the quickie kind of couple. We do have sessions that are simply quite to the point and others are long and drawn out. Sometimes it is even nice to have a session that is focused on just one of us. It is enjoyable to have a session that I simply focus on her and we don't have to end each one with intercourse. I have often wondered if we (or myself) are somewhat on the boring side but then I think as long as we are happy maybe boring isn't an issue at all. Different positions? Perhaps. Different women? No. Porn? I went through a phase where I'd sneak a look now and again but lately I have very little interest. I will admit that I do read this section of TAM to just see if I can learn something a little different. Having said this I wouldn't be surprised if a number of people expressed that for them variety meant something much more drastic.


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