# Sudden and (nearly) complete loss of libido



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I've been doing some research on this, because since Sunday, I have suddenly had no desire for sex, or sexual contact. I'm wondering if anyone else has had this happen.

Some background into the happenings right before:

We had great sex last Friday, and I wanted more on Saturday while the kids were napping, but my wife didn't want to until later that night. The whole afternoon and evening she's grabbing me, making passes at me, etc. So that night with the kids finally in bed, she wants to listen to a particular song. Over and over. (This is how she unwinds.) I tried to engage with her, coming close to her, touching and massaging, but I got no reaction. I lay there a while, then I get up and pull her up and ask her to dance with me - we danced together for a bit, and when I went to kiss her I got what I call a "TV" kiss. The song ended, we get back in the bed, and she goes back to relaxing to the song. I ended up falling asleep - I woke up (i'm not sure how long I was sleeping) and the music was off and she was asleep. I must have been really knocked out because I don't remember her getting up to turn off the music.

The next morning (Sunday) we had a talk about what happened - it all boils down to miscommunication. She said she thought I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, I thought I was sending the right signals. After our talk, I pull her upstairs and we have great sex again.

That night, she wants to have sex again - and to my surprise, I wasn't in the mood. At all. I had zero interest in sex. It has been that way for the last four days now.


The typical reasons that I found are related to one of three things:

Stress - We do have some pain points in our marriage that I am trying to work on, but considering that I was interested that morning and nothing else changed during the day, I don't think this is a factor.

Loss of Attraction - Same reasoning as above. My wife is beautiful, and I have never not been attracted to her, even during or immediately following an argument.

Medication - I only take St John's Wort, but have been for months now and never had such an effect.

I wondered if I was just suddenly bored with our sex life (which I am, sort of), but when I thought about it, I wasn't interested in sex at all. Not fantasizing, not looking at porn, nothing. It is, at this moment, impossible for me to find anything or anyone sexually stimulating.

To be honest, it doesn't really bother me much. Since she very rarely initiates it may not be an issue for some time, but I'm worried that since I turned her down on Sunday she will try again soon and I won't be interested. She might think that something is amiss or make a big deal about it.

I recall a time where I would be after her every day and would get denied constantly for weeks on end. At one point I even began looking for ways to reduce my libido so it wouldn't be such a problem for me. I was hurt every time she said she was too tired, or wasn't in the mood, or whatever her reason was that day. When I would try to talk to her about it, she would tell me that I'm making a big deal about nothing, which kind of made it worse.

Part of me is thinking "good riddance, I hope you never return." But the other part of me knows what it's like to be constantly denied, and I think that now that she could be on the other end of things that it will suddenly be a much bigger deal than it was when the roles were reverse.

Has anyone ever experienced this? If so, what did you do, if anything?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

4 days isn't much to be worried about. Wait it out, you may have to eventually go to the Dr.
You could always use this time to demonstrate to your wife how you'd like to be treated during her low libido times. You could say I'm not in the mood but I will take care of your needs.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> ...since Sunday, I have suddenly had no desire for sex, or sexual contact. I'm wondering if anyone else has had this happen.
> 
> ...I wanted more on Saturday while the kids were napping, but my wife didn't want to until later that night. The whole afternoon and evening she's grabbing me, making passes at me, etc. So that night with the kids finally in bed, .....we get back in the bed, and she goes back to relaxing to the song. I ended up falling asleep...
> 
> ...


Wow! 

First-Have I had no interest in sex and avoided it. Only after a 50 mile bike ride on a bike that wasn't properly fitted to me, where my member became numb and didn't regain feelings for a week.

Second, you forgot a very important reason in your big three.....anger!

What you have posted sounds like passive agressive anger toward your wife. It may be at the unconscious level, but it sure sounds like you are angry. Read the excerpts from above.

My suggestion is to look yourself in the mirror and do some affirmations where you say in a loud voice, I forgive you (name of wife) for the pain you have caused me. I love you and want our marriage to be full and happy in all aspects, including sex.
The reason for the verbal affirmations, is if your anger is at a subconscious level, affirmations is a good way to communicate with your subconscious.

Good luck.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> Wow!
> 
> First-Have I had no interest in sex and avoided it. Only after a 50 mile bike ride on a bike that wasn't properly fitted to me, where my member became numb and didn't regain feelings for a week.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your suggestion - I kind of lumped anger in with stress (at least in my mind). I have done some meditation before, maybe affirmations might help.

There is some additional back story here, but I won't bother going into detail because it's not important. If it is passive aggressive anger, there are two things that confound me.

First, we had sex that morning - it was great. Nothing changed during the day. I didn't spend any amount of time thinking about the past, or our relationship. It feels literally like someone flipped a switch.

Second, the lack of desire is not simply directed toward my wife - I just have no desire for any type of sexual gratification of any kind. I don't masturbate and I don't watch porn unless it's with my wife, but I don't have any feelings one way or the other thinking of doing those things either.


I'm wondering if it's psychological - I noticed that this isn't the only symptom. I've been unable to derive enjoyment from any activity for about the same time period. If there was some flipped "switch," it might be labelled 'melancholy' and turned the world into sepia tone. I made an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation, hopefully that will be revealing.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

*...I was hurt every time she said she was too tired, or wasn't in the mood, or whatever her reason was that day. When I would try to talk to her about it, she would tell me that I'm making a big deal about nothing, which kind of made it worse.*

Therein lies your answer.
Each rejection hurts...it knocks us down and back. It takes its toll. Little by little...then you snap.

You suddenly realise, subconsciously, that you no longer want to be rejected, hurt etc so your mind simply pulls the sex fuse.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

How old are you? Get tired early in evenings? Around 38 I started that and it was low t, as in 223! But psychologically it can happen too. Things came to a head one day and I lost the oneitus with my wife. Now our relationship is different, better and more biblical. She was not as attractive to me and I no longer based my worth on what she felt/thought, but have a deeper love for her. However I can make it with out her, it would suck though.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I'm 36. My doctor told me my testosterone was slightly low on my last checkup, but nothing too bad. She recommended more physical activity during the day (which I have been doing).

Sadly, I think i might be subconsciously (or consciously) harboring some anger or resentment. Even though her constant rejection was in the past, I think that possibly some current events and how she seems to approach sex in general may be the issue. It's just weird that it happened right after we had sex.

I'd really love to hear from someone who has experienced this, if possible.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

And yes, I do get tired around 8:30 / 9 PM, but I wake up at 4 AM, and lately I don't sleep well, so I figured it was that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Seppuku said:


> ...Sadly, I think i might be subconsciously (or consciously) harboring some anger or resentment. Even though her constant rejection was in the past, I think that possibly some current events and how she seems to approach sex in general may be the issue.
> 
> ...I'd really love to hear from someone who has experienced this, if possible.


It could have been anger triggered after the sex by the realization that all those years of rejection didn't need to happen.

Someone else posted a really great article in another thread. I thought I would include the link here, as you might identify with what is discussed in the article and be able to learn from it. If nothing else if might provide you some insights in how much you might be hurting your wife, it anger on your part is causing this.

Sexual Rejection's Effect On A Marriage

Good luck..


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I saw that post - the woman's reaction described me perfectly, years ago - I could have written that myself.

I don't think I am "hurting" my wife, as she only tried to initiate that one time and hasn't since. Like I said, she very rarely initiates and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've turned her down in our 11 years of marriage. This is a recent occurrence.

I just tested my reaction by watching a minute of porn and while there was some slight "movement" down below I kind of felt bored and didn't care to watch further.

This is really strange, I wonder if this is what it's like to be LD.


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