# Gaslighting at it best? Who shirt is this,’ demands the husband



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

How many spouses have found something like this and believed the cheating spouses lies, can you say gaslight, this guy got lucky, he will not have to live with a question mark over his marriage.



ETA, deleted a link about a husband finding a shirt that was not his, apparently it was staged so I removed the link, but feel free to post if you want to.


Anyone want to come clean on lies told or believed?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

The "hilarious" in the headline says everything about the media's attitude to something so destructive.

The pain I felt on discovering my wife's infidelity was unbelievable. I simply couldn't function for days and it took a good 6 months until I was even close to being able to live a normal life. I will carry the scars for the rest of my life.

If there had been physical abuse, I expect they wouldn't have treated it as lightly.

Anyway, to the question:

Every single thing she ever said in our marriage before and during her affair. That is the lies I believed. Funny isn't it?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Apparently its a fake.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

When I asked her about meeting up with him in January of 2011, she said "You got the date wrong, it was 2010." Which is before we were together. 

As if I wouldn't have the date right on something so totally important to my HEART.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> The "hilarious" in the headline says everything about the media's attitude to something so destructive.
> 
> The pain I felt on discovering my wife's infidelity was unbelievable. I simply couldn't function for days and it took a good 6 months until I was even close to being able to live a normal life. I will carry the scars for the rest of my life.
> 
> ...


I got blown apart in 2007. Ontop of the physical affair, was a ton of abuse and power plays of various forms. She worked in the affair into a form of abuse as well. I was still hanging onto the past "love" connection, and she was using it to torture me.

The height of physical pain that went through my body was greater than any pain I've ever felt. It was long standing. The lack of respect and comptempt great enough to make me sick. Years and years went past, and I KNOW I can completely get over it. It's going to take a bunch of GOOD memories in a new situation to minimize that painful experience.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> The "hilarious" in the headline says everything about the media's attitude to something so destructive.
> 
> The pain I felt on discovering my wife's infidelity was unbelievable.


It is crushing, I wish there was some way of educating people even when they are young, in an appropriate way of course, about it.



BjornFree said:


> Apparently its a fake.


Oh ok thanks BjornFree, I will only leave this up for today then, out of respect for those who have already posted.
Unless it is beneficial but I will delete that link now.
Thanks.



You just see it so often that people don't want to believe what others see clearly.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Madman1 said:


> It is crushing, I wish there was some way of educating people even when they are young, in an appropriate way of course, about it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Madman1 said:


> You just see it so often that people don't want to believe what others see clearly.


Give us an example of what your saying here.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I put these marks on myself. I guess she couldn't see the one on her well cover?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You never really 100% get over it, do you? 


It gets somewhat better but never 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I got blown apart in 2007. Ontop of the physical affair, was a ton of abuse and power plays of various forms. She worked in the affair into a form of abuse as well. I was still hanging onto the past "love" connection, and she was using it to torture me.
> 
> The height of physical pain that went through my body was greater than any pain I've ever felt. It was long standing. The lack of respect and comptempt great enough to make me sick. Years and years went past, and I KNOW I can completely get over it. It's going to take a bunch of GOOD memories in a new situation to minimize that painful experience.


Oh I got that too. She used OM to torture me about what she thought was an EA I was having -- a pen pal she'd known about for years before we were a couple, and who she knew was nothing to me in that sense. 

She told me about his beautiful, deep green eyes, his "unique" co*k, that she loved everything about him, and later, commented on his unforgettable a$$. There's more, but you get the idea. And this was all AFTER her PA, and after 16 months that we were together and she was having her EA as well. They would reminisce about their sexual escapades and blah blah blah. Hurt like hell. And it was all before I knew about the PA and the extent of their EA. 

Now that I know all of it, remembering her beating me up emotionally and using OM as a bludgeon to do it, yes, it makes me VERY bitter about her behavior. 

But... I love her and we are in a good R now, so all I need to do is get over the pain. Simple, right?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I know gaslighting well. One example:
DD, I found a box of condoms. After the confrontation, they went on top of my dresser. About two weeks later (on her birthday, a Saturday, and a day I was racing), they disappeared. I confronted when I got home and noted their absence.

She told me earlier that week she saw them and threw them in the trash. Since trash day hadn’t come, I searched the garbage. Nope. Then she corrected that she took them to work and threw them away there. Bull. I knew I had taken a photo of them for evidence... that was done Friday. She told me I was lying (and had gotten to my phone and deleted the photos). She kept at this story for months. Until I was able to recover the photos and the date stamp; I bluffed that part. Then she claimed she went into the office on Saturday and took them then. I did confirm she went to her office that day. But her trash is right by the door and I can’t imagine she’d just put them there for everyone to see (not to mention she can’t even throw a wrapper in the trash right below the counter). More time passed, and as she revealed and filled in the timeline, she saw the OM ON THAT DAY. And she is still swearing she threw them away at the office and did not use them with the OM and did that before seeing him ‘for closure’ and _____. She continues that gaslight when everything points in an entirely different direction.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Oh I got that too. She used OM to torture me about what she thought was an EA I was having -- a pen pal she'd known about for years before we were a couple, and who she knew was nothing to me in that sense.
> 
> She told me about his beautiful, deep green eyes, his "unique" co*k, that she loved everything about him, and later, commented on his unforgettable a$$. There's more, but you get the idea. And this was all AFTER her PA, and after 16 months that we were together and she was having her EA as well. They would reminisce about their sexual escapades and blah blah blah. Hurt like hell. And it was all before I knew about the PA and the extent of their EA.
> 
> ...


Through a 100% committal from the WAS, enough and sufficient NEW mind movies, and some time I'm pretty sure you can get past it.

She has to claim you and to want it, none of that power play from the cheating can be in effect, cause it literally kills you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

So


Racer said:


> I know gaslighting well. One example:
> DD, I found a box of condoms. After the confrontation, they went on top of my dresser. About two weeks later (on her birthday, a Saturday, and a day I was racing), they disappeared. I confronted when I got home and noted their absence.
> 
> She told me earlier that week she saw them and threw them in the trash. Since trash day hadn’t come, I searched the garbage. Nope. Then she corrected that she took them to work and threw them away there. Bull. I knew I had taken a photo of them for evidence... that was done Friday. She told me I was lying (and had gotten to my phone and deleted the photos). She kept at this story for months. Until I was able to recover the photos and the date stamp; I bluffed that part. Then she claimed she went into the office on Saturday and took them then. I did confirm she went to her office that day. But her trash is right by the door and I can’t imagine she’d just put them there for everyone to see (not to mention she can’t even throw a wrapper in the trash right below the counter). More time passed, and as she revealed and filled in the timeline, she saw the OM ON THAT DAY. And she is still swearing she threw them away at the office and did not use them with the OM and did that before seeing him ‘for closure’ and _____. She continues that gaslight when everything points in an entirely different direction.


So she got a final bang out of the OM for "closure"?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are correct that deep deep down you never really get over it and we all end up somewhat being a type of a walking wounded person.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Give us an example of what your saying here.


Hey thanks for the question.
I'm not a chapter and verse kind of guy but you see it here in cwi, some guy will find a few text where she calls someone babe, she wil be out "shopping" at odd times, sex drops off etc and the op will be like, Do you think she is cheating?

Their friends are telling him she is cheating, but he just keeps believing her, till he catches her.

By that time he is here and people do a good job once someone is here of connecting the dots, but you just don't want to believe it and sometimes it has gone on a long time.


I was in a "love triangle" with a woman who wanted two boyfriends, and I put up with it way to long, (it was my first LTR, 3 years) finally I cut the mooring lose and moved on but I remember the anguish of her going back and forth, I was an idiot, but I play by different rules now, they are respectful rules that go both ways but they are non negotiable!

And I am a big one on "If you love someone you don't put yourself in a situation that looks bad", ever!


BTW some of the sharing here has been pretty intense, I did not expect that, I appreciate it, I was just curious if you overlooked some clues (or told some lies) that in hindsight should have been recognized.

Like in that clip where the husband found a shirt(I removed the link) if the husband had not seen the guy, she may have gaslight him forever, it happens.

But I appreciate everything that has been shared.

Thanks.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

treyvion said:


> So
> 
> So she got a final bang out of the OM for "closure"?


Yes.. and a movie and lunch for her b-day... "But it was before we started marriage counseling!" And to top it off, she left our kids in the care of her alcoholic sister for the day. Isn't she a great woman!

And that night, I "ruined" her bday get together at the bar because no one wanted to come since I was going to be there... Wonder why!?


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> I put these marks on myself. I guess she couldn't see the one on her well cover?


MrBrains thanks for posting on about my question.

Could you please elaborate a little I am not taking your meaning.

Thanks!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Madman1 said:


> BTW some of the sharing here has been pretty intense, I did not expect that, I appreciate it, I was just curious if you overlooked some clues (or told some lies) that in hindsight should have been recognized..


It wasn’t overlooking clues. It was recognizing them then convincing yourself the obvious can’t be true. So you grasp and find the loosest and flimsiest of excuses to believe in so you don’t have to face it. You desperately do not want this to be true because you do understand and know how traumatic it would be to your life if it is true.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Racer that's horrifying but exactly, and you worked so hard to expose the truth. I will read your thread later when I am free.

But you were incredulous, you new better, but you wanted proof, and even though you have no doubt in general, still you want concrete proof and its hard to walk away without it.

I am the same way.

I think it is an emotional thing not a conceptual thing.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bryanp said:


> You are correct that deep deep down you never really get over it and we all end up somewhat being a type of a walking wounded person.


You see when they are cheating you, that beast inside of them that powers thru the affair literally calls you a "*****" and acts on it too. This is one of the reasons it's so terribly hard to recover in these situations.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Racer said:


> Yes.. and a movie and lunch for her b-day... "But it was before we started marriage counseling!" And to top it off, she left our kids in the care of her alcoholic sister for the day. Isn't she a great woman!
> 
> And that night, I "ruined" her bday get together at the bar because no one wanted to come since I was going to be there... Wonder why!?


They were friends of the OM?


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

I'm counting asterisk's trying to figure out your word treyvion, ha ha ha, I must be slow on the uptake today.

Thanks everyone, I'm out for today.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Madman1 said:


> I'm counting asterisk's trying to figure out your word treyvion, ha ha ha, I must be slow on the uptake today.
> 
> Thanks everyone, I'm out for today.


That beast in her calls you a "p0ssy"


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

treyvion said:


> They were friends of the OM?


No.. Remember how you were in the weeks after DD? Everyone and everything was a suspect. Snooping, following, spying. Talking to anyone who'd listen... Airing her "private business". That is what I ruined: Her ability to go out with friends and have fun. I ruined her "happy" because of how most people react when you start telling them 'her story' do judge her. 

Remember, like a typical unremorseful wayward, she'd been painting a lovely portrait of me as a jealous, paranoid, controlling sort. With my "telling", things sort of 'click' as to why I might be doing those things... and the questions start for her.

I was more than happy to tell them what a nasty piece of work she really was.. (using graphic examples) thus ruining an image she'd invested so much into. So rather than provide me with an audience, it's much much easier to just blame me for why her bday sucked and tell most not to bother showing up (phone logs and txtforward are revealing).  

So I ruined her bday... and multiple other holidays after. I wouldn't let her "blame me" for one damn thing wrong in the marriage unchallenged.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Racer said:


> No.. Remember how you were in the weeks after DD? Everyone and everything was a suspect. Snooping, following, spying. Talking to anyone who'd listen... Airing her "private business". That is what I ruined: Her ability to go out with friends and have fun. I ruined her "happy" because of how most people react when you start telling them 'her story' do judge her.
> 
> Remember, like a typical unremorseful wayward, she'd been painting a lovely portrait of me as a jealous, paranoid, controlling sort. With my "telling", things sort of 'click' as to why I might be doing those things... and the questions start for her.
> 
> ...


Your tone made it sound like you eventually split with this one. She was projecting hard, how she saw it and how she wanted it. Your lucky her contacts did not support her "house of lies", because they most certainly could have - and that would have had you in even a worse position.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Through a 100% committal from the WAS, enough and sufficient NEW mind movies, and some time I'm pretty sure you can get past it.
> 
> She has to claim you and to want it, none of that power play from the cheating can be in effect, cause it literally kills you.


By this time I do have 100% committment from her, and we have started building new, good movies/memories. 

There are still some events where she starts down that road a bit, like name calling, but I don't let her go anywhere with that crap. Things are differerent now.

This may sound stupid, but sometimes I break out the old file where she professes her love (it's a big file) and I read it just for the pain injection. To make sure I haven't given up anything for bad reasons, know what I mean?


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