# Married 12 years - no sex for last 8 of them!



## BrokenHearted (Aug 13, 2009)

My ex-husband and I were married for 12 years. The first 4 were the best ever of my life. We had a little girl then the last 8 years I have been very lonely. He never initiated sex again. I tried initiating several times and he would respond but never could climax. We went to marriage conferences and a marriage counselor. I could never get a reason for why our sex life went from 4-5 times a week to nothing for years. My self-esteem plummeted. I still love him very much, but divorced him purely for self-preservation on July 2009. Within 1 month of my filing for divorce, he found a new lady in his life. She has stated online how romantic he is and how lucky the lady who wins his heart is. So this makes me think he still had it in him, but not for me. I was just somebody, but not somebody special. What happened?? I have asked him and his response was, "You have to figure that out on your own. I have no answers for you." Now he won't even talk to me by email or phone. My heart is broken and mourns for what we had the first 4 years. How do I let this go?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You are torturing yourself wondering "how come he can fancy her and not me"? But wait 4 more years and see how much sex she get from him. No doubt at some point he will find an excuse to go off her. "Normal" men want sex non stop. Almost nothing puts them off.

As for you, you have low self esteem. You put up with his nonsense for 8 years, and even now you miss him. How much punishment do you need?


----------



## BrokenHearted (Aug 13, 2009)

Thank you so so much for your reply MarkTwain. I really need to hear this. And I do have a huge problem with my self-esteem for putting up with his nonsense for 8 years - I felt it was all ME and I retreated into a shell of self-loathing and questioning everything about me that might have been the turn off. Since being away from him, with the help of God, my bible, and my friends, I am trying to restore myself. Your thread has helped tremendously in my process to restore.


----------



## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

You did say that the first 4 years were great right? Well that is where he is with this other woman right now.. think about that.

When a relationship is new without all the baggage of years of hurt feelings and such it is easy to be romantic especially if you are not living with that person!

Just think of it this way.. That poor woman is in for a RUDE awakening.... a cow cannot change his spots ... You are much better off where you are right now and work on YOURSELF>>> get your confidence back.. it is there I promise! Who cares what he is doing now.. old news to you and feel sorry for the woman not jealous of her!!

Hope everything works out.. Just keep pushing forward and DO NOT LOOK BACK!!


----------



## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

marktwain said:


> you are torturing yourself wondering "how come he can fancy her and not me"? But wait 4 more years and see how much sex she get from him. No doubt at some point he will find an excuse to go off her. "normal" men want sex non stop. Almost nothing puts them off.
> 
> As for you, you have low self esteem. You put up with his nonsense for 8 years, and even now you miss him. How much punishment do you need?


amen!!!!!!


----------



## BrokenHearted (Aug 13, 2009)

Thank you too karajh. You are absolutely right.


----------



## hethybee85 (Apr 13, 2010)

I agree that it is a waste of time wondering what it was that didn't attract him to you. It is time that you could be spending starting a new life for yourself and finding someone new that will love all of you. 

One thing to think of though is how much porn did he look at? Many men who struggle with porn addictions can have this issue. When the newness of the relationship wears off, the porn addiction kicks back into full gear and they look at it so much that they cannot climax with their real life woman anymore-nor do they want to, because it's a lot easier to get yourself off than having to think of another person's needs. 

Anyways, they had an article about it in cosmo--the solo sex problem. It's a huge issue that many couples have (including myself)....but it's whether or not they're willing to communicate about it and try to work through it that really counts. You're beautiful inside and out, and you deserve someone who believes that too!

Best of luck!


----------



## hethybee85 (Apr 13, 2010)

Also, I wanted to say, i'm sure that you did not start with low self-esteem.....it comes from years of being with someone who is selfishly ignoring your needs. This is a coping mechanism, to assume you deserve it and that is how people stay in marriages so long that they may not be happy in. You tried your hardest and you don't need to cope with him any longer...I agree with others though that you need to regain your self-confidence. 

Even if you have a rockin body, working out can help this. A sex therapist may also be helpful, to become comfortable with your own sexuality again that has been gone for so long--or at least the expression of it! Also, starting to try new things in your life can help you determine who YOU are--which is essential in starting fresh. 

Finally, he may come crawling back once he sees that you are your own person again......DON'T LET HIM! You need someone who is there for you and sees you through in good times and bad.


----------

