# My Sick Wife’s Health Isn’t Improving; She is Miserable and Has Now Emotionally Cheated



## RSDJ563 (23 d ago)

My wife has been battling awful, mysterious gastrointestinal issues for about 13 months. Although we’re working with renowned specialists, there seems to be no improvement in sight. She can work and somewhat function but deals with intermittent burning, pain, acid, and overall discomfort on a daily basis. This has made her absolutely miserable as it’s greatly impacted all areas of her life (especially social life since she can’t eat or drink most things).

I have tried to be a doting husband and she long referred to me as a “perfect” partner, and her “rock.” As her illness has progressed, she has become suspicious of our life together as we’re endured some tough occupational hardships, an abortion, and other life challenges in recent years. Despite her suspicions of our life being the cause of her sickness, I believe the primary catalyst was environmental toxins as she tested positive for mold. Upon testing our home, it turns out there was, in fact, a mold issue which we have since remediated.

Although I still stand by her side, in recent weeks she has started to discuss feeling as though she missed out on life opportunities such as dating, travel, etc. For additional context, I am only her second major life partner as she had one long-term boyfriend before marrying me. As such, she initiated a “trial separation” with removal of wedding rings while she stays at her mom’s house. This has now culminated in an event which took place last weekend: she attended a work event and spent 12 hours with a male coworker, talking and confiding in him about a wide range of topics, including our marriage which has become dissatisfied/suspicious of. She has developed strong feelings for this coworker from this one day spent together. She assured me that although it was flirtatious, there was no physical contact which I 100% believe she is telling the truth. However, I am deeply hurt and threatened by this new connection. She prides herself on rarely “liking” people so she’s putting a lot of weight on this encounter. She is also someone who frequently cites “universal influence” or thinks there is a grand purpose for almost all things - this included. She also says that during the entire time with this coworker, her symptoms were hardly existent (it must have been a significant distraction). I’m sure he’s a nice guy and provided great conversational venting (she said he had a uniquely calming energy) but I’m worried that she seems rather strongly impacted by the time they spent.

Since becoming ill, she has thrown around phrases like “feeling trapped” and “there’s something missing.” I love my wife more than anything and want to return to our former state before the illness and other life troubles. I realize that without her illness improving, that’s rather impossible, but, I’d like to find a way to address her confused, diminishing feelings for me stemming from suspicion that our life together is not feasible as a result of repeated hardship.

Please help! Sorry for the very long read.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, spend some time on here and other sites that deal with infidelity and do your research about what “works” and what doesn’t for people who are in your position. Others will be along who will give you great advice, but I can tell you that you do not want to do the “pick me dance“ with her. It seems counterintuitive, but your best chance to save your relationship is likely to play hardball with her. It does you NO GOOD to stand by while she develops a relationship with this coworker, and perhaps takes it physical. That will be 1000x harder for you, and your relationship, to overcome if it gets to that point.

So tell her you are done with this trial separation, or whatever it is. She moves back in immediately. She puts her wedding rings back on immediately. You will both commit to work on and save your marriage with IC and MC, OR the alternative is you will move forward with filing for divorce. You also need to figure out how to get her away from this coworker, but you can deal with that after the above. That’s it.

There are no time-outs in a marriage. She can’t just decide to pause your marriage, take her rings off, stay with her mom and take other men for test drives. It doesn’t work that way. Stand up for yourself and your marriage, and tell her to knock off this stupid **** right now. 

You can do this! Do not wait for her to dig the hole so deep that your marriage can’t climb out. It likely won’t take too many more meetings with this other man for that to happen. Do not wait.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Listen dude, whether you like to hear it or not, here it comes. Basically, you are a man that is using the word "love" to justify acting like a complete wuss, letting your wife to up one on you, and all because you are so in fear that you can't see the forest for the trees. The fact that you love her so much, got nothing to do with your issue at hand. The issue at hand is that you are making yourself appear less than a man to your wife as the others she's interreacting with because they are coming as more manly than you. Women don't like weak men, they are attracted to strong, confident, go getters, that have strong boundaries, and don't take **** from any woman. This is a strong contrast to your "pick me" dance, that's pathetic.

You must be willing to lose the marriage if you want any shot at keeping it (at this stage I can't think why you would want that). This separation business ******** on average is for your partner to check if the grass is greener on the other side, and that's why it normally leads to divorce.

Me, if I were you, I would serve her with divorce papers, if that doesn't shock her back into the relationship, then my friend you got your answer. Stop wasting your time like a little supplicant. Show her that you can't be trifle with. Dude, DO IT.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

When your wife got out of the hospital, she left home and started living with her lover without hiding. her family is aware of the situation and supports the relationship, the rings were taken off the finger, it's a planned affair and it's been going on longer than you know I would say

The man must be a big fish, everyone is impressed by him.

your wife spent 12 hours with her new partner 

this is not limited to emotional relationship, they must have bent the laws of physics

Waiting for your wife to come back from here would be a dream.

It would be a bigger dream to think that you would be happy even if your wife came back.

see a lawyer, start therapy


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

bygone said:


> When your wife got out of the hospital, she left home and started living with her lover without hiding. her family is aware of the situation and supports the relationship, the rings were taken off the finger, it's a planned affair and it's been going on longer than you know I would say
> 
> The man must be a big fish, everyone is impressed by him.
> 
> ...


Bygone, you need to stop doing this. Your responses to this OP and others are completely out of left field, and are not based on any facts presented by the OP. Therefor your posts are extremely unhelpful.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Listen dude, whether you like to hear it or not, here it comes. Basically, you are a man that is using the word "love" to justify acting like a complete wuss, letting your wife to up one on you, and all because you are so in fear that you can't see the forest for the trees. The fact that you love her so much, got nothing to do with your issue at hand. The issue at hand is that you are making yourself appear less than a man to your wife as the others she's interreacting with because they are coming as more manly than you. Women don't like weak men, they are attracted to strong, confident, go getters, that have strong boundaries, and don't take **** from any woman. This is a strong contrast to your "pick me" dance, that's pathetic.
> 
> You must be willing to lose the marriage if you want any shot at keeping it (at this stage I can't think why you would want that). This separation business ****** on average is for your partner to check if the grass is greener on the other side, and that's why it normally leads to divorce.
> 
> Me, if I were you, I would serve her with divorce papers, if that doesn't shock her back into the relationship, then my friend you got your answer. Stop wasting your time like a little supplicant. Show her that you can't be trifle with. Dude, DO IT.


This. 

How entitled and selfish to think a man should stay in a marriage with her after saying and doing such things. 

It's over, and I cannot fathom why you want to stay with someone with such little regard and respect for both the relationship and for you personally.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> Bygone, you need to stop doing this. Your responses to this OP and others are completely out of left field, and are not based on any facts presented by the OP. Therefor your posts are extremely unhelpful.


In every article I say that what I write is what I have in mind.

if you check the threads i wrote these posts you will find the same pattern

The chance of saving the marriage is very limited, many factors such as the wishes of the spouses, sincerity, love, respect, regret, empathy should be evaluated.

Even then, the psychological traumas left by relationships will continue for years.

There is nothing in this article to think about staying in marriage.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘She has become suspicious’ of your life together???

Has she been specific as to what this means? What were her actual suspicions, given she formerly called you ‘her rock’. 

Any medications that may have altered her personality? 

Either way, she seems pretty keen on this coworker, and if she’s taking about the universe and signs and so on, it doesn’t sound good. 

So the specific thing I am hearing from what she’s saying, is that she’s head over heels in love. 

I recommend not trying to fix this, you don’t want to share a pillow with someone who is dreaming about someone else. 

Sorry you’re in this situation, it seems common with both men and women that Heath issues can make them suddenly decide their spouse is to blame. 

It doesn’t always come from a place of stability (depending on age). How old is she and do you both have kids? Women’s crises seem to happen in their 30s, men start to act up late 30s to 50s. 

What was the reason for the abortion?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A major red flag I noticed is her pride in not liking people. Can’t get along with other women, right? She’s superior to everyone? 

I know you say you love her, but look through the fog and really, really analyse what she brought to your marriage. (I think the affair is just the tip of her issues). 

Who has been lifting the weight during the marriage, and can you recall any stomach issues of your own when you were dating. I’m talking about your own gut feelings.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RSDJ563 said:


> My wife has been battling awful, mysterious gastrointestinal issues for about 13 months. Although we’re working with renowned specialists, there seems to be no improvement in sight. She can work and somewhat function but deals with intermittent burning, pain, acid, and overall discomfort on a daily basis. This has made her absolutely miserable as it’s greatly impacted all areas of her life (especially social life since she can’t eat or drink most things).
> 
> I have tried to be a doting husband and she long referred to me as a “perfect” partner, and her “rock.” As her illness has progressed, she has become suspicious of our life together as we’re endured some tough occupational hardships, an abortion, and other life challenges in recent years. Despite her suspicions of our life being the cause of her sickness, I believe the primary catalyst was environmental toxins as she tested positive for mold. Upon testing our home, it turns out there was, in fact, a mold issue which we have since remediated.
> 
> ...


@RSDJ563 I think you need to adjust your timing a bit.
The words you describe of your wife feeling “left out” or “missed opportunities”... That was the beginning of the emotional affair. EA’s cause a spouse to see all of the worst in the other spouse, and even talk about how bad things have been “forver”.

The separation was a chance to explore her new lover without limits. So you talk about those 12 hours like it was pivotal, but I tell you the pivot was way before that 12 hours with her guy. And odds are very high that her affairs is now a physical one since she has the opportunity and (apparently) desire.

What to do about it remains your choice, but all the voices here are giving you the best advice. See a lawyer immediately. When you file for divorce you _might_ start to learn the truth about how your wife sees you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bygone said:


> When your wife got out of the hospital, she left home and started living with her lover without hiding. her family is aware of the situation and supports the relationship, the rings were taken off the finger, it's a planned affair and it's been going on longer than you know I would say
> 
> The man must be a big fish, everyone is impressed by him.
> 
> ...


He never said his wife was living with a lover. He said she was living with her mother.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> He never said his wife was living with a lover. He said she was living with her mother.


As such, she initiated a “trial separation” with removal of wedding rings while she stays at her mom’s house. 

This has now culminated in an event which took place last weekend: she attended a work event and spent 12 hours with a male coworker, talking and confiding in him about a wide range of topics, including our marriage which has become dissatisfied/suspicious of. She has developed strong feelings for this coworker from this one day spent together. She assured me that although it was flirtatious, there was no physical contact which I 100% believe she is telling the truth. However, I am deeply hurt and threatened by this new connection. She prides herself on rarely “liking” people so she’s putting a lot of weight on this encounter. She is also someone who frequently cites “universal influence” or thinks there is a grand purpose for almost all things - this included. She also says that during the entire time with this coworker, her symptoms were hardly existent (it must have been a significant distraction). I’m sure he’s a nice guy and provided great conversational venting (she said he had a uniquely calming energy) but I’m worried that she seems rather strongly impacted by the time they spent.

What different meaning can you derive from this article?

The rings are out, her mother knows, isn't it written that she's interested in another man?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

OP, read this and let it sink in:

Just Let Them Go

This is your only way forward. I am sorry friend but once a woman initiates separation to "find herself" she is already done with the marriage. She already shed her tears for you and she no longer loves you. I am sorry but that is the truth you must now absorb. You are now in the catch-up phase, where you must now mourn the loss of what was and begin working towards what will be. 

As angry and hurt as you are, do not argue with her. Detach. Tell her that you are moving on and that she is free to also, and that you love her enough to let her go. 

▪Freeze all joint bank accounts and lines of credit. 

▪Visit three to four lawyers for consults and see what your options are in divorce. 

▪Arm yourself with information. Read up on infidelity. Educating yourself will do wonders in helping you focus your emotions to navigate yourself out of this morass. 

▪ Inform friends and family that your wife has left the marriage and is seeing a new man. 

▪DO NOT let her drag your good name through the mud. Do not hesitate to defend your good name in case she decides to smear you to others.

▪Keep her on your insurance, keep paying the bills and mortgage, but do not give her one more cent of your money. 

▪Open up a new checking account in your name only and funnel the money into that account so she cannot access it. 

▪Get yourself into individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in infidelity and grief management.

▪See a doctor and get a full medical panel done. Hit the gym and start exercising. If you need help with sleep loss or anxiety, comnsult your doctor and tell him/her what is happening.

▪ Never threaten. If you tell her you are going to do something then do it. Mean what you say and say what you mean and never back down once you have taken a decisive action. 

▪ She is in the affair fog. The feel good chemicals swishing through her brain are literally changing her personality. Yes, serotonin and dopamine will literally change a person's personality, and that is one reason why she is acting like a completely different woman than the one you loved and married... because she is a different person now. 

▪ Block out all people who take her side. Excise them from your life. They are not your friends and they do not care about you. 

▪ Cheaters lie. That is what they do. They lie to you and they lie to themselves. She will literally re-write the history of your relationship to paint you as a controlling, callouys monster who held her back and exploited her. When she opens her mouth, just assume she is lying. Your wife is your enemy now. 

▪Most of all, always trust your gut instinct. The first instinct that hits you is almost always correct. Trust your gut. 

Godspeed. I'm so sorry you are going through this.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

100% the trial separation was a test run. Don't know if they lived together though.

For some reason the abortion sticks out for me. What's the deal with that?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

OP I also recommend you have MattMatt move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity forum. You will get a lot more help and information there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bygone said:


> As such, she initiated a “trial separation” with removal of wedding rings while she stays at her mom’s house.
> 
> This has now culminated in an event which took place last weekend: she attended a work event and spent 12 hours with a male coworker, talking and confiding in him about a wide range of topics, including our marriage which has become dissatisfied/suspicious of. She has developed strong feelings for this coworker from this one day spent together. She assured me that although it was flirtatious, there was no physical contact which I 100% believe she is telling the truth. However, I am deeply hurt and threatened by this new connection. She prides herself on rarely “liking” people so she’s putting a lot of weight on this encounter. She is also someone who frequently cites “universal influence” or thinks there is a grand purpose for almost all things - this included. She also says that during the entire time with this coworker, her symptoms were hardly existent (it must have been a significant distraction). I’m sure he’s a nice guy and provided great conversational venting (she said he had a uniquely calming energy) but I’m worried that she seems rather strongly impacted by the time they spent.
> 
> ...


I would hope that the OP could utilize his mother in law as an allie to help keep his wife on the "straight and narrow" during the "trial separation." Sitting down with the MIL and telling her that since she was probably at the wedding, he expects her to remind her daughter that she is still a married woman and if she can't do that then the MIL-SonIL relationship is going to be very strained should they not divorce.

Yes the MIL will stick up for her daughter, but the MIL will understand that world of hurt her daughter could be headed for based on her greater life experience.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Trial separations are just a passive way of saying "I want a divorce" without the resulting confrontation or having to witness you being hurt. She wants a divorce, but she just doesn't know how to tell you. Or worse, she is test-driving being single again while keeping you on the hook in case she decides being with you is better than being alone. It's a terrible way to treat a spouse, which means that she no longer loves you. Which means there's no point staying married to her.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I would hope that the OP could utilize his mother in law as an allie to help keep his wife on the "straight and narrow" during the "trial separation." Sitting down with the MIL and telling her that since she was probably at the wedding, he expects her to remind her daughter that she is still a married woman and if she can't do that then the MIL-SonIL relationship is going to be very strained should they not divorce.
> 
> Yes the MIL will stick up for her daughter, but the MIL will understand that world of hurt her daughter could be headed for based on her greater life experience.


She prides herself on rarely “liking” people so she’s putting a lot of weight on this encounter. 

I'm commenting on what's written,

he explained that his wife and man are in a relationship and that his wife will not be this close to anyone in a short time, so the relationship must have been going on for a while.

His wife didn't suddenly decide to leave the house and take off the rings, she intended to live the relationship openly known to her mother and social circle.

If updates come, these issues will become clear.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Is there a reason why you left the main topic and questioned what I wrote?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bygone said:


> The rings are out, her mother knows, isn't it written that she's interested in another man?



Yes, it's written, but is not a fact (to OP), although it can certainly be true, as usually is in these cases. My advice is to verify. In this case I would tell OP that it doesn't matter anymore. He should just go straight ahead with a divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RSDJ563 said:


> My wife has been battling awful, mysterious gastrointestinal issues for about 13 months. Although we’re working with renowned specialists, there seems to be *no improvement in sight. She can work and somewhat function* but deals with intermittent burning, pain, acid, and overall discomfort on a daily basis. This has made her absolutely miserable as it’s greatly impacted all areas of her life (*especially social life since she can’t eat or drink most things*).
> 
> I have tried to be a doting husband and she long referred to me as a “perfect” partner, and her “rock.” .....in recent weeks she has started to discuss feeling as though *she missed out on life opportunities such as dating, travel, etc*.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts, First talk to your MIL and see if you can't enlist her to help you talk some sense into your wife. This whole mid-life crisis thing could really get out of hand. I would call it that, as that is what you have described.

Since your wife feels left out and that the world has passed her by, I do have a couple of specific suggestions. Rather than extending the trial separation, you would be better off working with your wife on figuring out future things that the two of you can do together. In the saving of my marriage; visualizing what my wife and I (and our marriage would look like) would do in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years helped a lot. If she wants to travel, talk with her about where and how. Then come up with some shared dreams for when she gets better. Then take some baby steps in the direction of those shared dreams even if they are just weekend trips, going to a travelog, watching You Tube videos of travel, or going to a cruise ship travel industry sponsored event. So work to redirect her attention from something destructive, like dating to something constructive like travel is what I am suggesting.

One of the things that puzzles me is that if she has problems eating and drinking, a 12 hour work event should like it should have been hard on her as opposed to a pleasant, exciting, calming event. Maybe she knows how to manage it for a complete half day, but that sounds odd.

Obviously she told you about her flirting with the calming spirit co-worker during her trial separation. The question is how did you learn about it. Did she gush out the details of her passionate flirtations encounter? Did you drag a confession out of her? Was she trying to make you jealous, was her attitude what I would call "being in love with being in love?" Did you remind her that she is still a married woman and that she is playing with fire? Did you tell her that you don't like what she is doing and there are limits and boundaries as to what you will accept as behavior from her. Have you explicitly set some limits that will mean divorce if she crosses them? Be careful in setting boundaries and she may play the part of the rebellious teenager and test those boundaries. (My 60 year old wife, played the part of the rebellious teenager during our sex starved marriage reconciliation.) If your wife being childish in her mid-life crisis; then you need to be the adult in the room, who sets boundaries. But if you set boundaries, you need to live with them, so be careful.

Good luck.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Yes, it's written, but is not a fact (to OP), although it can certainly be true, as usually is in these cases. My advice is to verify. In this case I would tell OP that it doesn't matter anymore. He should just go straight ahead with a divorce.


She assured me that although it was flirtatious, there was no physical contact which I 100% believe she is telling the truth. However, I am deeply hurt and threatened by this new connection. She prides herself on rarely “liking” people so she’s putting a lot of weight on this encounter. She is also someone who frequently cites “universal influence” or thinks there is a grand purpose for almost all things - this included. She also says that during the entire time with this coworker, her symptoms were hardly existent (it must have been a significant distraction). I’m sure he’s a nice guy and provided great conversational venting (she said he had a uniquely calming energy) but I’m worried that she seems rather strongly impacted by the time they spent. 

He says he talked to his wife


checked and his wife approved


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@bygone, I originally read it. Still that's not a fact no matter how you want to slice it. So far it's just getting emotionally (sort of) into this guy. She's not living with him either (apparently).


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> @bygone, I originally read it. Still that's not a fact no matter how you want to slice it. So far it's just getting emotionally (sort of) into this guy. She's not living with him either (apparently).


you can't confirm what he wrote elsewhere, updates will be what he wrote,

The only real wife we can't argue with left the house, took off the ring and flirting, even that's cause for years of trauma.I made the comment accordingly

I recommended a lawyer and therapy in the first message

should not try to invest in this relationship

If the woman wants, she will return!

After a few months, the same problems will occur again.

It's better to focus on yourself and start over, rather than stay married trying to cover up the issues.

the damage has already been taken, it has to move forward


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bygone said:


> you can't confirm what he wrote elsewhere, updates will be what he wrote,
> 
> The only real wife we can't argue with left the house, took off the ring and flirting, even that's cause for years of trauma.I made the comment accordingly
> 
> ...



Correct. That's what I also adviced. It's time to bring divorce papers. OP having the balls to do it, it's another entire matter


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Her symptoms were “ hardly existent” around this other guy. lol

It’s a miracle! 

OP, seek some legal advice and really get a sense of what your life would look like… divorced. You have stood by her side all this time, and this is how she thanks you. It’s just heartbreaking.

Your wife asking for a separation is to see if the grass is greener. You sound like a really great guy who has integrity, but your wife doesn’t appreciate or respect you. I would seek legal advice just to get a peace of mind and weigh your options.

I wouldn’t sit around while your wife dates other men under the guise of a “separation.” Sorry you’re dealing with all this, especially during the holidays.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I would caution involving the MIL. 

The reason why many in-laws encourage the néw relationship is because they don’t want the burden or responsibility of an adulterous adult child. 

They want them gone from their home, and it doesn’t matter if they go back to their spouse, or pick a new one. Usually they’ll push them to the new one, just to make them someone else’s problem. 

Think about how many of you who have a cheating child want them in your home. It’s a lot to deal with, so the sneaker method is to go along, but be rid of them. 

Is MIL really going to want the responsibility of caring for her illness? 

If you decide to divorce, it’s best not to befriend the MIL, in fact, avoid any attempts on her part to talk with you either.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

RSDJ563 said:


> My wife has been battling awful, mysterious gastrointestinal issues for about 13 months. Although we’re working with renowned specialists, there seems to be no improvement in sight. She can work and somewhat function but deals with intermittent burning, pain, acid, and overall discomfort on a daily basis. This has made her absolutely miserable as it’s greatly impacted all areas of her life (especially social life since she can’t eat or drink most things).
> 
> I have tried to be a doting husband and she long referred to me as a “perfect” partner, and her “rock.” As her illness has progressed, she has become suspicious of our life together as we’re endured some tough occupational hardships, an abortion, and other life challenges in recent years. Despite her suspicions of our life being the cause of her sickness, I believe the primary catalyst was environmental toxins as she tested positive for mold. Upon testing our home, it turns out there was, in fact, a mold issue which we have since remediated.
> 
> ...


I am no doctor but it appears to me your wife has acid reflux. I know the symptoms because I also suffer from this and this has placed restrictions on what I can eat and drink.
Sorry, my friend but it strongly appears your wife is having an affair.
Insist your wife comes home and if she makes excuses and refuses, tell her you will be seeing a lawyer.
That`s the bottom line of your situation.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

The 12 HR man was already in the picture when she became "suspicious" of your life together OP. I'd put money on it.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Maybe it’s physical with this coworker, maybe not. The bottom line is she moved out and took off her rings. its possible that her health issues and medications are the reasons behind these action, or it could be the other way around that all the lying and cheating are causing the health issues. 
Its time to take action, tell her move back in and work on your marrage or start the divorce process.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> The 12 HR man was already in the picture when she became "suspicious" of your life together OP. I'd put money on it.


This 100%


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Let me make one final comment on this topic.

There is one detail that no one has emphasized.

The situation is sad,

The wife has taken off the rings and is being honest with her husband about her relationship with the other man.

she must not have hidden her situation in her family and social circle, and she must have posted pictures and explained after removing her wedding rings in sm.

If you look at all the articles shared here

_*This woman deserves respect and thanks for her honesty.*_

I don't think she will consider returning to her husband in the future, this woman is not indecisive and impersonal,

decides and implements, takes responsibility

These are my personal thoughts.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> The 12 HR man was already in the picture when she became "suspicious" of your life together OP.


Absolutely. 

She's been lying to you for a long time, OP. This man isn't new to her. I guarantee you it's been brewing between them since she started complaining how your life was the "cause" of her health issues. 

No. She just met him then and started falling for him. The guilt of falling for a man who is not you manifested as her gastro issues. Now she's cooked up a silly, implausible 12-hour whrilwind story to put your marriage on pause while she test-drives him. Watch as her health problems magically clear up now, too. 

I'm sorry. She is not honest and you have been completely hoodwinked.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Bamboozled.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

They call me the seeker 
I’ve been searching low and high. 
- The Who

She says there’s something missing and maybe she is right. We were created for more. Forces of evil use this knowledge to get people to do drastic things. Gender confusion. Infidelity. Substance abuse. Join the rebellion and pick up a Bible.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He never said his wife was living with a lover. He said she was living with her mother.


Right-to!

Living with her mother, loving her new man!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many a mold contain Mycotoxins. 

These can cross the blood-brain barrier, causing mental illness.

Think, those Salem Witch trials.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Many a mold contain Mycotoxins.
> 
> These can cross the blood-brain barrier, causing mental illness.
> 
> Think, those Salem Witch trials.


But the symptoms often lesson once the source of the mold spores is abated or the person is taken out of contact. Stachybotrys chartarum (black mold) usually does not create permanent psychosis, and the occurrence of mold toxicity related psychosis is extremely rare in most people. 

I used to be a part owner of a mold remediation company. I've walked in houses literally waist high in stachy without a respirator and never suffered any ill effects other than an itchy nose. She sounds more like a typical cheating woman deep in the dopamine fog. Lover boy is her addiction.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Stachybotrys, penicillium, aspergillus niger.... aren't they beautiful? ,


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## RSDJ563 (23 d ago)

OP here. Thank you all for the provided advice, it was enlightening to read.

To answer some of the questions: We're both 29 years old. The abortion was a product of my temporary unemployment and her dissatisfaction with the job she held at the time, combined with MIL advisement and the feeling that we simply weren't yet ready.

UPDATE: She has been spending the holiday week with me. I'm certain that, per my request, there hasn't been any further contact with the other guy yet. I can't stress enough how debilitating this illness is. One of the most renowned gastroenterologists in the US has diagnosed her with SIBO, severe GERD, bile reflux, Esophagitus, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, and a badly ulcerated esophagus. Also, the there is a chance the damage to her esophagus will never heal or will take several years. Despite his best efforts, no progress has at all been made. Over time, she has become suicidal due her limiting condition and is prone to frequent fits of crying/hysteria since the onset of this illness. She's unable to consume alcohol or eat most foods which has damaged her social life and is reaching the point at which has might have to leave her job (which entails events involving food/drink, on occasion). She and I both know damn well that if she were to pursue the other person, he'd quickly realize that she is incapable of eating/drinking most things and is extremely mentally unstable at the moment. The 12 hour stint they spend together "with minimal symptoms" was nothing more than a complete anomaly as he'd learn the severity of her health issues early on if anything further materialized between them.

The situation is further complicated by the fact that my narcissistic, emotionally abusive FIL owns a multi-unit complex and is arranging for us to move in at the end of January. She fears him greatly which may be why she is still keen on me making the move to avoid upsetting him while she stays at her mother's as needed for her health. (with massive marriage consueling to follow depending on how her health progresses). Frankly, before the incident with the coworker, I thought it was better for her to stay at her mother's as she can provide more care (she's retired). Also, the mere sight of our wedding photos, my presence, and being in our home seems to trigger some sort of violently bizarre emotional reaction, at times. She has also expressed that I'm holding myself back and putting my life on hold by staying with someone so ill. This seems to be one of the things which plagues her most. Despite all this, I thoroughly realize I'd be pretty stupid to consider moving in to the FIL's vacant unit at this juncture.

In short, I realize that serving her divorce papers on the simple basis of the single coworker incident seems to be the most logical route. I would just be remiss if I didn't disclose to the forum how agonizingly debilitating and life-altering her illness is. I truly feel that our marriage has buckled and crumbled under this illness as I am certain any type of bizzare perception of me or ensuing emotional infidelty simply would not have happened if not for this strange mid-life reevaluation she seems to have been thrust into. If any of you have any further advice, I'm all ears.

ALSO: Someone earlier in the thread mentioned moving this topic to an infidelity forum to provide more catered advice - not sure if a mod could help with that or if this thread is better. Thanks again!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP there is no way I am spending 12h straight with any lady unless I’m related to her or I’m trying to bang her. In the second case if he did the 12h and nothing then he’s probably a loser/wet blanket type.

No advice really other than you’re pretty young. If you have a lot going for you then you can cut bait now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just moved it for you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

File for divorce and let her see what life is like on her own.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, thanks for the additional information about your wife's condition. I'm sure it's awful for her... But listen, you would be doing her and you a disservice if you let this behavior of hers continue, or decide to not do anything, because of this medical condition. Don't let her do it.

Please reread my first post -- you need to take this situation in hand, and show her that you WILL NOT put up with any of this. Rings off, moving out, socializing with other men to see if she likes them, etc. That garbage is not conducive to a successful marriage, so you should put up with it for about 2 seconds, then tell her you are done. Tell her she steps up and moves back in, sends this guy a NC message, then starts working on finding a new job. If she does all of that, you might consider R with her. If she doesn't, then you will file and move on. Do not sign a new lease with her, with your FIL or anyplace else, until you get this figured out. 

All of this is assuming you want to try to save your marriage. If not, then file and be done with it. She has certainly given you enough cause for that, if it's what you want. If you do want to attempt to save the marriage, then act decisively, as I said above, and see what she does. Do not rug sweep or let this drag on in this limbo state. Take control. Good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RSDJ563 said:


> My wife has been battling awful, mysterious gastrointestinal issues for about 13 months. Although we’re working with renowned specialists, there seems to be no improvement in sight. She can work and somewhat function but deals with intermittent burning, pain, acid, and overall discomfort on a daily basis. This has made her absolutely miserable as it’s greatly impacted all areas of her life (especially social life since she can’t eat or drink most things).
> 
> I have tried to be a doting husband and she long referred to me as a “perfect” partner, and her “rock.” As her illness has progressed, she has become suspicious of our life together as we’re endured some tough occupational hardships, an abortion, and other life challenges in recent years. Despite her suspicions of our life being the cause of her sickness, I believe the primary catalyst was environmental toxins as she tested positive for mold. Upon testing our home, it turns out there was, in fact, a mold issue which we have since remediated.
> 
> ...


Me thinks her issues are more associated with her cheating. You are naive to think it did not get physical with co worker. Separation was for her to not feel guilty screwing him, you were separated after all. You should consider her a lost cause and drop her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RSDJ563 said:


> OP here. Thank you all for the provided advice, it was enlightening to read.
> 
> To answer some of the questions: We're both 29 years old. The abortion was a product of my temporary unemployment and her dissatisfaction with the job she held at the time, combined with MIL advisement and the feeling that we simply weren't yet ready.
> 
> ...


You are making excuses for her cheating. Being sick does not give one right to cheat. 
Reminds me of story where one guys wife had cancer and wanted to go screw ex again before she passed. I'd be like, go ahead but don't come back and he can support you on your death bed, I'm done with you woman.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You expose her in the least flattering way. Had a client whose wife used her lupus diagnosis as an excuse. He characterized it as she’s got lupus and just had to have a whole lot of men in her. Suddenly her pity party broke up. The commiserating friends soon saw how selfish she was. Then he served her divorce papers and invoked the pre nup (because he has been my client for years and it was not his first rodeo). So she is living with her parents. She will be divorced and the lupus is debilitating. She would have had the best caregiver. Now he is enjoying life far away from her (he moved to Quebec) with his funds and property intact. Her parents now support her.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

The illness is completely irrelevant.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The facts:

Wife takes her rings off, moves out to her moms, professes feelings for another man.

As another poster wisely said, the illness is irrelevant.

You want the illness to be an excuse because you care about her. She doesn’t care about you. File for divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Whatever purpose (or punishment) a divorce will bring, is miniscule compared to the misery already set, sent upon her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Show mercy.

But leave her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I understand how debilitating this may be. And how it can make her suicidal and moody and so on.

But ask her, did she display any of this behaviour, ever, during the 12 hours she spent with that man, or her workmates, or anyone else?? 

Ask her why she is able to control the mood-related symptoms in front of others. (It’s clear she can’t control the food and physical symptoms, of course, that part is understandable).

But yet she can control her emotions around OM, which to anyone who reads this, is not a sign from the universe that he’s the one. That’s just crazy talk. A mental illness suddenly cured by someone she barely knows?? 

So it’s not really your job to have to tell the OM about this. What’s the point of this, if she can behave normally around him? She’s not being suicidal or any of this in his presence. 

So she can control her behaviour very well. 

It’s just you she has no motivation for.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

RSDJ563 said:


> Although I still stand by her side, in recent weeks she has started to discuss feeling as though she missed out on life opportunities such as dating, travel, etc. For additional context, I am only her second major life partner as she had one long-term boyfriend before marrying me. As such, she initiated a “trial separation” with removal of wedding rings while she stays at her mom’s house. This has now culminated in an event which took place last weekend: she attended a work event and spent 12 hours with a male coworker, talking and confiding in him about a wide range of topics, including our marriage which has become dissatisfied/suspicious of. She has developed strong feelings for this coworker from this one day spent together. She assured me that although it was flirtatious, there was no physical contact which I 100% believe she is telling the truth. However, I am deeply hurt and threatened by this new connection. She prides herself on rarely “liking” people so she’s putting a lot of weight on this encounter. She is also someone who frequently cites “universal influence” or thinks there is a grand purpose for almost all things - this included. She also says that during the entire time with this coworker, her symptoms were hardly existent (it must have been a significant distraction). I’m sure he’s a nice guy and provided great conversational venting (she said he had a uniquely calming energy) but I’m worried that she seems rather strongly impacted by the time they spent.


This is not what "trial separation" is for. 

For couples who are working through marital issues, a separation may be used IN CONJUNCTION WITH COUPLES THERAPY in order that the problems and tensions of daily living are taken out of the picture, and the couple can focus on the major relationship issues. It is NOT used as a "practice" for single life, so that she can shop around for new men while keeping you on the shelf as a backup.

She needs to decide if she's serious about preserving your relationship. If she is, then she puts back on her wedding rings, acts like a married person and gets into counseling. If staying with her mother is part of the therapy, then so be it, as long as it follows the ground rules above. 

Otherwise, what you are really describing is a typical "mid life crisis". She's no different than the 45 year old husband who buys a sports car and starts running around with girls half his age because he's wondering what he's "missing" in life as he ages.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

RSDJ563 said:


> OP here. Thank you all for the provided advice, it was enlightening to read.
> 
> To answer some of the questions: We're both 29 years old. The abortion was a product of my temporary unemployment and her dissatisfaction with the job she held at the time, combined with MIL advisement and the feeling that we simply weren't yet ready.
> 
> ...


Wow OP, all that going on with her health and still has the strength to cheat. What a little trooper you have there.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*RSDJ563*

these people have told you what is staring your for your future if you fail to act

-


Evinrude58 said:


> The facts:
> 
> Wife takes her rings off, moves out to her moms, professes feelings for another man.
> 
> ...





SunCMars said:


> Show mercy.
> 
> But leave her.





Tested_by_stress said:


> Wow OP, all that going on with her health and still has the strength to cheat. What a little trooper you have there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possibly a psychosomatic illness? Or is she doing something to make herself ill?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I’m wondering if she’s not improving because there’s a heavy mental illness component involved. Stomach issues can be closely tied to anxiety and stress. Worst thing about that is that, until properly treated, it’s a cycle that involves you. She has the issues around you, and now, she thinks she was ok around the other guy.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

been sick does not give her or anyone the right to cheat , 
like cop on here and smell the roses , "I drank too much wine today and fell into the woman that was out walking her dog " is as good a reason to cheat as your wife has ,
another point saying she had only 2 lovers and for some reason she should have a time to catch up on not sowing her wild oats is crap 
and what she is saying is she does not want you but you are handy to have around to pay her dr bills and hold her hand , 
your relationship has become a comfort relationship , your together because one of you has not opened your eyes to what is going on sorry your fooling yourself 

I wish your wife gets better , and I hope she starts to live life by putting the dirt before the brush she needs to know that you divorce before you start picking the next guy , what she seems to be doing is putting rings a hide but holding on to them and keeping you as a fall back guy while she takes others for a test drive , even if she did not have sex 

if she was younger and not sick you might call her a gold digger ,


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

I believe in the “in sickness and in health”. Are you going to treatmeets and tests with her.? Do her doctors know about her behavior? It could because of the medication. She needs help and i think you need to stand beside her. However boundaries and rules need to be set, including mental health treatment. If she’s not willing to do that, then it’s time to walk away. 

disclosure… prior to my husband’s death, his personality changed. At the time, I didn’t realize it was a result of the medication, illness, and infection. Our marriage went through a very rocky period, which we wrre able to work through. Looking back, I feel guilty for being selfish and not realizing what was happening. Im happy the last few months of his life, I was by his side.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Stop talking to her, cut contact and see three lawyers. She’s playing games.


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