# Flirting when married



## unhappyin (Jul 22, 2010)

Opinions please about flirting when you are married. Is it o.k. to flirt when you are married? I don't flirt but my husband tells me he does flirt. I don't think it is o.k.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

It is not what we think that counts it is what you think and if your husband loves you he will respect that and stop. Let him know that you are not OK with the flirting.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It depends on the relationship. My boyfriend and I don't flirt with other people. We don't feel it necessary, and we feel it's inappropriate. That's us. Another couple might think it's perfectly fine and even encourage it to spice up the relationship. To each their own. If you are not comfortable with it, you need to make sure he knows and understands that, and if he loves and respects you, he will stop. 

It also depends on the type of flirting. A simple smile can be taken as flirting, but is not a big deal. Exchanging phone numbers, however, is also flirting but crosses a dangerous line when done in the context of a relationship.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

I do not feel that flirting while married is acceptable. I would not accept that as normal under any circumstances. Flirting can lead to so much more.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dangling your line in the water is great fun, but the fish might think you're serious and take your bait. What happens then? Seems like a pointless exercise to me. I flirt all the time, but only with my wife. She can shoot me down as easily as anyone else. LOL I will say that there are things one can say and do in public at 20 which may appear cute but then at 45 tend to just be sad and kinda creepy.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> I will say that there are things one can say and do in public at 20 which may appear cute but then at 45 tend to just be sad and kinda creepy.


lol good point!


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## unhappyin (Jul 22, 2010)

I let my husband know that I did not like him flirting and he said that he didn't know if he would stop, that he would think about it or something to that effect. What does that mean anyone?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Well then, it appears this is an unpleasant stand off, he may have just said the words and may change, just observe for a while and see if he does stop.

A man flirting is seeking attention elsewhere and if a woman responds he is going to do what? Pretend not to be interested or worse take it further. It hurts you and he knows this. 

What do you do? Short of any workable advice from someone else on the forum, the following is to protect you. 

Get a new wardrobe, get into shape, go out and socialise with friends, if needs be without him. In parallel be an amazing wife and lover see if he responds in kind, stops flirting and pays sole attention to you and you only. Remind him on occasion that his behaviour is unacceptable to you as his lover and wife. 

If he continues to disrespect you and says well your marriage has improved because of the flirting smile… and 

move lots of cash – like all the family savings into an new account that is in your name only, ensure that he has no access to it. If you work, change the deposit to your account. Pay no monies to him. The monies you are collecting is pin money for a just in case day. 

When he challenges you smile again and say, you are flirting and as an observer it looks like you are looking for an affair on the side. You are protecting your family and yourself. 

Tell him you will go with him to counselling to sort the issue out, be strong on this and use words that remind him that the issue is he is disrespecting you and he knows it, you do not have to change your view or be concerned about what others think, it is your marriage. 

Anyone who makes a “jealous wife” comment is not in your shoes and their opinions do not count in your marriage. 

He as your husband should love you enough to compromise and stop doing what is effect going to damage your marriage. 

If nothing changes carry on taking the cash, assuming he does not lock you out by then. If he does max the credit card out, make sure he is responsible for the payments. 

As a husband if my good lady were to take these financial measures I would most certainly start to listen and pay a lot more attention to what she is saying to me. 

Do not move monies back to a joint account until a lengthily time has passed with evidence of good behaviour on his side 

Best wishes..


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## unhappyin (Jul 22, 2010)

Update...

I have never seen my husband flirt. He tells me he only does it when I am not around. He will do it at work for example. He said he has sat on a female co-workers lap at work before.
He is the one that brought up that he flirted to me a couple of days ago, I had no idea. He said he has always been a flirt or flirted and he sees nothing wrong with it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If he doesn't flirt when you're around, then you would never have known if he hadn't told you. I think there's a reason why he told you. I don't know if he's feeling neglected/ignored/something by you, or maybe someone took his flirting too seriously and he wanted to tell you before they could, or something else. But I would say his telling you indicates there is something going on that you need to know about. Talk to him again. Come right out and ask him why he told you about it.


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## SmallRose (Jul 19, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> If he doesn't flirt when you're around, then you would never have known if he hadn't told you. I think there's a reason why he told you. I don't know if he's feeling neglected/ignored/something by you, or maybe someone took his flirting too seriously and he wanted to tell you before they could, or something else. But I would say his telling you indicates there is something going on that you need to know about. Talk to him again. Come right out and ask him why he told you about it.


:iagree: If he's doing it when you're not around is because he didn't want you to know about it but then something made him tell you about it. He kinda ratted himself out :scratchhead:...so there has to be a reason, a good reason. I would say, talk to him, try to find out his reasons for telling you and for flirting.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he needs attention of other women to feel good about himself, you might ask yourself "why?". I have noticed that guys don't necessarily flirt with young, pretty, or thin, women. They flirt with someone who gives them positive attention. If a man gets a load of grief and criticism at home, gets belittled or subjected to indifference or emotional isolation at home, it's not surprising that he might seek positive feedback elsewhere. If I don't feed my dog, he'll eventually show up at my neighbor's house, looking for something to eat. If he does, it's more my fault than his. 
I'm 49 and nothing special to look at, but women try to flirt with me all the time. I'm a cop and meet new faces every night. I've noticed that most of the women who take this flirting route are just very lonely and sad, so hungry for any positive attention that if you show them a shred of common decency, they view it as a come-on. I don't count the ones who obviously flirt to try to get out of tickets or jail.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

I've got the same husband with the same problem. Married for 10 years, and only recently he started this nonsense. He actually enjoys sharing his flirty ways as a btw thing...we have a great sexlife, I get a lot of looks from guys, so though Im not egoistic, I know I look good...so how come do men do this? 
Let me know what you did, because I'd like to do the same...I thought everything was great between us...great tips Wisp...I'll be doing that too.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Define "flirting".

I know plenty of guys who are "salesy"... they have the gift of gab and charm no matter who they talk to. 

Yes, there is a line that should not be crossed but I just want to make sure your "flirting" isn't someone else's "friendliness".


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

It's not ok to me, neither to my husband.
Things always get deeper from a shallow point. now it's flirting, what's the next? cheating?
I think he is just trying to tell you something, he is giving you empodistic shot.
sat on a coworker's lap? How do you feel about that? Ask him how will he like it if you sit on a guy's lap?


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## unhappyin (Jul 22, 2010)

Greentea said:


> It's not ok to me, neither to my husband.
> Things always get deeper from a shallow point. now it's flirting, what's the next? cheating?
> I think he is just trying to tell you something, he is giving you empodistic shot.
> sat on a coworker's lap? How do you feel about that? Ask him how will he like it if you sit on a guy's lap?



I asked my husband about sitting on a males lap at work and he said that he would really not want to know. 

He also said, "the things that i've done didn't make it to our home, because they didn't belong there."

I thought that was interesting.


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## calimom82 (Jan 25, 2009)

I don't think it is ok to flirt whilst married, but I think sometimes we may do it unintentionally.


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## dotingwife (Sep 4, 2010)

I'm with those of you that are uncomfortable with my husband flirting with other women. He takes it a little too far, makes causal acquaintances uncomfortable and offends friends. He also subscribes to several singles sites where he "chats" with women. He says he's "just a social person" who "likes to get to know people" and I trust him implicitly, but I feel it portrays our relationship in a negative way. I don't know which of us is the actual laughing stock of our social group, but his flirting is noticed and discussed frequently.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Singles dating sites exist for a rather specific purpose. People visit those sites to meet prospective partners. Presumably, a married man already has one, so there's no legitimate reason for him to visit one of these. A social person? He's not exactly joining Kiwanis. There are legitimate venues to meet people just for the sake of meeting people. He's specifically trying to meet women seeking men for romantic and/or sexual purposes. His excuse is lame and illogical.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

unhappyin said:


> I let my husband know that I did not like him flirting and he said that he didn't know if he would stop, that he would think about it or something to that effect. What does that mean anyone?


He probably doesn't want to give it up because he gets emotionally fulfilled from it. He most likely loves NOT the attention he is giving, but loves the attention he is GETTING. It is probably a sign that there is a problem in your marriage, and he is seeking elsewhere to help fill that void. I know I tend to flirt with men if I end up in a situation where men initiate it. I tend to gravitate toward men who pay attention to me or talk to me. The reason for this is b/c my husband doesn't pay attention to me, and rarely even talks to me. Oh, he wants to ignore me most of the time, but then when he wants something in the bedroom, he doesn't want me to ignore him. He treats me so inconsiderately that when a man shows me the right attention, it is hard not to give right into it and start flirting and talking.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

^Truth


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

unhappyin said:


> Opinions please about flirting when you are married. Is it o.k. to flirt when you are married? I don't flirt but my husband tells me he does flirt. I don't think it is o.k.


How do you define "flirting"? I am definitely on my better behavior around attractive women. I tend to be more witty (or so I think.) But then, I'm not exactly "dangling my hook" either. I think it is just normal human behavior. On the other hand...i'm NOT complimenting their appearance, or anything like that, either.

***Update**** I posted the above before I read the "sitting on lap" post. THAT is definitely not appropriate, even for a single person, in the workplace. As a MARRIED MAN....absolutely NOT!


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## raed (Sep 9, 2010)

My husband and I are currently in counseling for an affair he had. He has been very flirtatious in the past with women. We are actually at an impasse right now because he just doesn't seem to think he should give up flirting. He also says he is "friendly" and he is a charismatic, "salesy" guy. However, this flirting baloney is not okay with me and honestly, it meant that he was seeing who would catch his bait. Guess what, someone did. Obviously, I don't think it is okay. Flirting usually means that one is taking attention that should be given to a spouse and giving it to someone else.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Most men are not "looking for some on the side" when they flirt, they are just simply trying to feel validated in some way, i.e., "hey, I'm a stud and chicks dig me!". This is a very powerful boost to a man's ego and extremely hard to resist. Don't women feel floored if they knew that someone other than their spouse found them attractive? Don't they love to walk down the street and feel that they are beautiful, and everyone else notices it?
Now, don't get me wrong- if he knows you don't like it and he continues doing it, he is way out of line-he should respect your feelings and stop if only for your sake. But there is another perspective to this- flirting in the workplace is a very dangerous thing, one of these women may think that he IS serious, go sailing to the boss and complain, and your husband may come home one day trying to explain to you why he got fired.

But if you want to stop this, here's an idea-talk to his boss.
Have the boss take him aside, tell him discreetly that he notices him flirting and that he finds it unacceptable and unprofessional and to stop...

...before lawyers get involved.


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