# Need Advice



## camw (Feb 26, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for sixteen years. He is ten years older than I am. I have worked in a professional job since I graduated from college. He has never held a job and has relied upon a small trust fund for his entire life. He spends his days in his pajamas watching tv or reading. My husband has a past history of drug and alcohol abuse. He speaks to my child and me in a cruel tone of voice and puts us down all the time. 

I have tried to leave my husband several times, but my child has told me that she would harm herself if I did. I have taken her for therapy and he and I have gone through three separate cycles of marriage counseling, always with the same result: he promises to change, he is nice for a few months, and then it all goes back to the "old" way. 

I think that my husband has emotional problems but he refuses to seek professional help. He was hospitalized for psychiatric problems in his teens. 

We co-exist in the same house. There is no affection and we rarely speak. We do not eat our meals as a family or participate in family activities often. I think that his only interest in me is my paycheck and the way that I make him look to others. 

I was recently in a serious accident in the home and needed to go to the hospital. He refused to take me because it was inconvenient for him. I had to drive myself. This was a pivotal moment for me, because I realized that I could rely on him for nothing. 

My mother says that she wants me to be happy but that I should try to stick it out for seven more years until my child graduates from high school. I don't know that I can do this. 

Is there any point in trying to keep this marriage going? I am worried that he will try to take custody of our child if I try to leave. 

Thank you for your help.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

In leaving the safety of your child is obviously the primary concern. How successful was the therapy? Was there any diagnosis given? Or any concern she might really hurt herself. As a parent this must be very disturbing

As far as custody goes, why would by be afraid that he would gain that.

You are gainfully employed, he is not.

Living your day in pajamas would hardly sit well with a court

Not tending to your needs in a time of crisis is a good indicator of his limitations

Former drug use possibly still in use

He’s got a lot of strikes against him


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## camw (Feb 26, 2009)

Thank you for your reply. 

My child's therapy took place four years ago and was successful. She has recently told me that she understands that I need to live my life and that she cannot dictate if I stay married. However, she has also told me that she might stay with her father. She feels that he is a helpless person who needs her help. 

I know that there is no drug or alcohol use now. 

He has always threatened to use his money to take my child. That is why I fear a custody battle. 

Thank you, again.


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## trinie (Feb 23, 2009)

Oh no no no!! you can not stay in this marriage for a further 7 years you will be the 1 with mental problems if you do.. How can you be happy if you live completely different lives, no affection, no talking for heavens sake he wouldnt even bring you to hospital!!! This relationship is not good for you and most certainly not good for your daughter, kids adjust and yeah she might find it difficult at first but she will come around and she will be all the better for it.. You only live once and i really dont think that this man deserves you, why should you devote your life to a man of his kind, you could find some one else or in all honesty you would probably be happier on your own.. live your life to its fullest dont live to fulfil some one elses..


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

As upsetting as it is to hear your child say that, you should not stay with him to avoid him/her hurting themselves.
I know that sounds bad, but your child's mental condition should be priority number one, since your husband is not willing to address his issues.
I would separate and bring your child to a psychiatrist immediately. Get her a psychiatric evaluation to insure her safety.
Let your husband know you're there for him but you have concerns about his mental health and cannot be with him until he takes charge and gets help.


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