# Disappointed on Mother's Day



## aloneinthemarriage (Apr 20, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 yrs and have two children. We live ten miles from my in-laws. My mother in law is most accurately described in the thread about relationship types as a martyr type. She does everything for everyone and in return her children feel very sorry for her if she ever encounters any pain. This mother's day is just the latest in the drama I have been involved with them. My mother lives far away from us and we had made plans to meet her and the rest of my family for supper a few weeks ago. I informed my husband of our plans and he agreed. Last night my husband asked me when we planned on meeting again. I told him 7. He flipped. His mom had planned for everyone to come to her house at 6 and its mother's day. 
Am I wrong to be hurt that its Mother's day and my husband has completely forgotten that I am the mother of his children? I suggested that we go to his mom's for lunch but she insisted that it would have to be for supper. My family would never be able to make it for lunch and I would really like to spend time with them since I rarely see them...they also adore my children and would be making the trip mostly to see them. 
I am very hurt and frustrated. As I said, this is only the latest on the long list of times that my mother has forced my husband to choose her over me and my husband has more than complied. He doesn't understand why I would be hurt and I don't know how to communicate that to him. HELP!!!!!


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Was he confused about what he agreed to? It sounds like he agreed to meet your mom and the family a couple of weeks ago. So what does he say when you bring up the fact that you already discussed it, he agreed to it and the plans were made?

Is there a chance there was a mis-communication about the time you would be getting together? 

It's hard to know how to change his tune but I think you need to be honest and tell him that you already talked about it. If you were up front when you asked him about meeting on Mother's day for dinner then simply remind him of that and ask him how he thinks it's okay to agree to plans and change them at the last minute? Tell him yes it is mother's day and you have a mother as well; and ask him if he's forgetting that you are the mother of his children because it seems like he's not respecting that very much. 

Maybe just tell him there needs to be some compromise going forward and it's simply not fair if his family always gets chosen over your mom. Tell him there needs to be a more fair split going forward with holidays, visits, etc, whatever the drama entails. And when he disagrees or throws a fit just ask him how it's reasonable that his mother/family always gets picked or preferred over yours.


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## aloneinthemarriage (Apr 20, 2010)

When I reminded him of what he had agreed to a few weeks ago he told me he didn't remember that conversation. I actually talked to him about it several times. He does this often. If it doesn't pertain to money or something he is interested in he forgets about it within the day. His reasoning behind not spending the day with me is that I am not his mom. Our children are 2 and 7 mo. My attitude on Father's Day is that our children are too little to knowingly make it a special day for him so I do my best to make sure that he has an enjoyable day. I wasn't asking for him to shower me with gifts or attention or even do ANYTHING for me except go to supper with me. We have discussed the holiday thing many many many times but his mom is very selfish about it so it usually ends up that he spends time with his family and I travel between mine and his with the kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him to go have fun with his mother. You are going to see YOUR mother. With YOUR kids. Let him stew in his own juices. Write a card to his mother wishing her a great Mother's Day and explain that you will be spending the time with YOUR mother, as you rarely get to see her. Tell her you KNOW she will understand (not HOPE).

Then go see your mom.

You can't MAKE your husband stop being a momma's boy. You CAN make choices that honor your own dignity, and show him the path he can take. In the end, do NOT just stuff your feelings about what he has chosen to do, and DO tell him that the more he does this, the less likely you are to stay in love with him, or even WITH him. Not in an accusing way - in a logical, have-you-ever-thought-this-through way.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

turnera said:


> Tell him to go have fun with his mother. You are going to see YOU mother. With YOUR kids. Let him stew in his own juices. Write a card to his mother wishing her a great Mother's Day and explain that you will be spending the time with YOUR mother, as you rarely get to see her. Tell her you KNOW she will understand (not HOPE).
> 
> Then go see your mom.
> 
> You can't MAKE your husband stop being a momma's boy. You CAN make choices that honor your own dignity, and show him the path he can take. In the end, do NOT just stuff your feelings about what he has chosen to do, and DO tell him that the more he does this, the less likely you are to stay in love with him, or even WITH him. Not in an accusing way - in a logical, have-you-ever-thought-this-through way.


Good advice. Tell him you're going with your kids and just because he has selective memory doesn't excuse him from his commitments and it certainly isn't going to change what you've told your mother you were doing.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

aloneinthemarriage, I'm glad you let us know you are going to spend time with your mom anyway. The only thing I can think for you to do about hubby being so inconsiderate is simply do the same for him for Father's Day - nothing. What he is doing is a disgrace. For you to do for him on the holiday he is to be honored would only serve yourself an even greater disgrace. You would be honoring his dishonor of you. So just don't do anything for Father's Day. Let the day come and go as any other, or take the kids and go spend time with your father. Please let us know what you decide.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Amen.

When I was married about a year, my husband would tell me he didn't 'believe' in 'have to' events - birthdays, Valentines Day, Anniversaries, etc. - where he 'had' to give me a gift. He informed me that he preferred to just give me gifts when the mood struck him, not when 'society' told him to.

So, he didn't give me a present for my birthday in June. He gave me the above excuse when I asked him why. So I sat, and fumed, and in December, when his birthday rolled around, I said happy birthday and went on my way. You wouldn't believe how upset he got. I just smiled and gave him the exact same speech. 

He got the point.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I'll be DAMNED if Turnera doesn't give the BEST advice on this website. Blunt, honest and totally right. You see his Mother all the time and this is the one time you get to see yours. He agreed to it and is now backpeddling because he is a coward in dealing with his Mother and her issues. You wrote that he agreed to it when he was barely listening. Sorry, his problem. Then he hits you with "you aren't my Mother" as an excuse to not do anything for you. Grrrrrrrr. No, you are only the person who brought HIS children in to the world. Both very recently. Again, grrrrrrrr. Go to your Mother's house. Enjoy your time with her and her time with her Grandchildren. This is Mother's Day. YOU are a Mother. Go and see your Mother with YOUR children. 
As a side note, you have a 2 year old and a 7 month old? He should be kissing your ass on Sunday and thanking his lucky stars that you were willing to put your body and your mind through all that in such a short period of time to bear his children. As another side note, my Father In Law has always given my Mother In Law a gift on Mother's Day. Always. It is so sweet. 42 years ago he gave her a gold bracelet when she was pregnant. Each year he has added to it with my Husband and my Brother In Law's birthstone on a charm. My Husband is 39 and my Brother In Law is 41. TO THIS DAY...he still has a charm made with each of their birthstones and gives it to his wife for Mother's Day. Their birthstones are Garnet and Sapphire. Her bracelet looks like the Fourth of July and it is AWESOME.


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