# Can't afford to divorce



## Feelused (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm making myself crazy trying to figure this out and I was hoping someone could suggest a person / place to go for advice.

Who do you suggest talking to for sorting out how to pay your spouse off? Mine wants more than I can afford, so I'm running in circles trying to figure how to raise the money without committing financial suicide. 

The bank seemed like the location, but before I go that route and expose my situation to them, would a financial planner be better, or is there a class of person that specializes in this sort of thing? I've never been in this boat, and I'm to frazzled to think straight.

Thoughts?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What do you mean you can't afford divorce but your h is demanding more that you can give? Where are the assets and who makes what?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't understand. 

You split what you have. The departing spouse doesn't get to decide they want more than the assets that exist. 

It's not like I could have gone to my ex and said "ok, I'll leave, but only if you give me a million dollars."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes , you go to a LAWYER and find out exactly what you are legally obligated to pay under the laws in your state

In most states assets acquired during the marriage are split 50/50.

Forget a banker or financial planner. They might be able to help you with refinancing loans, but won't have a clue what you owe your spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your divorce attorney will be able to explain the process to you and will be able to clarify what assets are divisible during the divorce settlement. There are usually also spreadsheets to calculate what each party owes in child support, if that's an issue. And general guidelines regarding custody and visitation arrangements. Your lawyer will help you with all this. If you don't have a lawyer, go hire one to help you. 

It's not like your spouse can just specify a number and that's what you have to give them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Go see an attorney first, then they will help you with the financial semantics, and if need be, will refer you to a financial advisor!

Don't fear ~ your H cannot call the shots other than for trying to instill an unfounded sense of fear within you!

Get yourself a "piranha" attorney who will literally "rip his drawers!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

Go a see a lawyer ASAP because divorce in most states falls under family law. Meaning that each state has precise instructions on how to get out of a marriage. Think of a marriage as a legal contract between you and your spouse. Family law in your state is in place to establish guidelines on how to break up that contract. That's why a qualified attorney can give pretty accurate details as to who gets what, who gets the kids etc because the laws are in place.

You CAN afford divorce because your best earning years are ahead of you as you mature within your career and not typically behind you. If you haven't reached the alimony milestones in your state get out before you have to pay alimony. If you have a pension all the years you are married are typically community property meaning your spouse gets half of the pension for the years you were together. All future pension years are your years outside of the community. If you were married for 15 years and then spend another 15 years contributing to your pension the ex spouse is only entitled to the 1/4 of the pension typically and 75% of the pension is your pension to keep. So going from a nice suburban house to a short term studio apartment might seem rough at first a few years down the road post divorce will prove otherwise. Or if you wait for alimony to kick in or additional years to commingle savings, pensions or assets will be impossible to earn back. I'm not a lawyer so get advice directly!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Or if what you are saying is you can't afford an attorney, look into mediation. The courts will assign a mediator to your case to sit down and split everything and come up with an appropriate agreement.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Lawyer first! He/she will be able to look at your situation and then advise if a financial planner would be helpful. I am in the same situation right now and just saw a planner this week. They have good ideas to be fair to both sides. You may not even need one; but ask that lawyer and then go from there.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Do you have a law school in your area? Some schools offer representation on the cheap. Most of the work is done by students, but of course is supervised by a licensed attorney.

Also see if you have a legal aid clinic in your area.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Is it different in Canada? Here the courts decide all this and doesn't matter a bit what he or you want. Why do you have to pay him off?


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Feelused said:


> Mine wants more than I can afford, so I'm running in circles trying to figure how to raise the money without committing financial suicide.


Renegotiate don't refinance.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The OP is male. Given this is the men's area, and the content and common refrain, not surprising.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

How much does Divorce typically cost?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> How much does Divorce typically cost?


I know that in the UK (where I got married), the paperwork to complete a divorce (simple with both parties agreeing to divorce) costs £500. This is something that I just can't afford. I left my H 3 weeks ago (both living overseas at the moment) and we have no assets at all, just the furniture and stuff in the house. Although most of the household stuff belonged to me (I shipped it overseas before I met him), I've left him with quite a lot of my original stuff and the stuff I've paid for - he's barely earned anything throughout our marriage. When we moved into an unfurnished house together, I paid all of the costs (2 months rent + property agent fees) and about a week later, I bought an armchair, sofa and tallboy. He used the armchair but never sat on the sofa. He's been keeping his clothes in the tallboy despite the fact that 2 of the bedrooms in what is now his home have large fitted wardrobes. I moved into a small house that has no storage and could really do with the tallboy but he likes it as a piece of furniture and has insisted on keeping it. I have nothing to sit on but he won't let me take the sofa I bought as he likes the way it looks in the room it's in! I sit on boxes with a cushion on top while I wait until I can afford a sofa! As for paying for a divorce, I'll leave that up to him - I'm really not bothered whether we divorce or not - I've left him and, as far as I'm concerned, I'm now free again - I certainly don't want to waste £500 on a divorce. I think he'll pay for it eventually as his elderly father is quite well off and he stands to inherit quite a lump sum in the next few years.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Feelused said:


> I'm making myself crazy trying to figure this out and I was hoping someone could suggest a person / place to go for advice.
> 
> Who do you suggest talking to for sorting out how to pay your spouse off? Mine wants more than I can afford, so I'm running in circles trying to figure how to raise the money without committing financial suicide.
> 
> ...


This is where I am now. I would leave but I am not willing to commit financial suicide. The state I live in favors the spouse that was abandoned. 

I let us get into debt earlier in our marriage. We have been working through it but still have 1/2 way to go. 

If I leave now not only will I loose more than 1/2 my stuff but I will need to pay for at least 1/2 of our debt. At this point in my marriage money is more important to me than happiness so I will stick it out. 

To answer your question: you have to make the same decision, financial suicide or happiness.

Start planning today. Cancel all the credit cards that you are responsible for. Withdraw a small amount of random cash amount to hide at a friends house each paycheck. Talk to a divorce attorney to find the best possible outcome for you. Each state varies by law so no one can give you advice but them.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

committed_guy said:


> Talk to a divorce attorney to find the best possible outcome for you. Each state varies by law so no one can give you advice but them.


Not at all true. People who have been through divorces are oftentimes well aware of the laws in their own state, sometimes more than the typical apathetic or even incompetent attorney.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Talking to an attorney is the first step. Knowledge is power. Your W is betting on you not knowing anything about divorce and suggesting that you pay her a certain amount. That is not how it has to go. YOU have choices. Get informed and make choices that you can afford. 
9
1. If you think you cannot afford an attorney, call around. Some will give you a free consultation (because they want your business) you can ask them questions, gather enough info to start thinking more logically. You should have your financial figures in front of you, in order to provide some detail as they ask you questions. Also, write out a list of questions that you think are pertinent. 

2. Research your state, and possibly your county's divorce laws online. You can just google questions that you have, but make them specific to your location. For example, "Do I have to pay alimony, in Florida?" Make a list of questions and start researching. Of course the internet isn't the be all/end all....but you will get a better idea of where you stand, or at least what questions to ask an attorney. 

3. You can do a DIY divorce, but you'd still have to do your homework so that you don't screw yourself. Plus, its harder if kids or alimony or a business is involved. Those usually need an attorney or a mediator.


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