# Impusive money-spending



## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

I have a money-spending problem. I am bi-polar, bottom of the spectrum, and when I get depressed I find myself shopping more and more. Almost as though I'm trying to buy myself a new life - the new things will make me a different person, etc. I KNOW these things are just things, and will not change my life. I KNOW this is not worth my marriage. I KNOW this is not worth losing my husband or my family. I try very hard to keep it under control, I take meds for the depression and bipolar issues, and see a therapist. However, the threat of it is always there.

I try to avoid stores that foster the urges, such as superstores. I balance my checkbook meticulously so I always know where I stand financially. I refuse to have a credit card. I shop using a list pre-written list. If I see something I want, I don't buy it then. Instead I will walk away, and if I remember the item and still want it a week later, I will purchase it - 99.9% of the time I have forgotten the item. My problem stems from my impulsiveness so this helps immensely.

Are there any other women out there that have this problem? If so, how to you control yourself, what coping mechanisms do you use? For the spouses of others that have this same problem, my heart goes out to you. I know how many times I have let my husband down and it breaks my heart. And it feels as though I can never be redeemed or forgiven - can never be righteous, thus feeding the depression and the cycle.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My MIL and estranged husband have the spending problems. It caused a lot of strife. It was almost like "buying" released some sort of endorphin in the brain. I'm not sure they have the other problems though--depression, bi-polar disorder, etc.

I really applauded you for the steps you've taken to control the habit. Also, its great that you acknowledge the problem and see what it does to those around you. I never got that. All I ever got was anger and resentment because I spoiled the spending sprees. Furthermore, my estranged husband labeled me as "controlling". Heaven forbid we have a budget! 

I did hear something on the radio recently which made sense. It suggested that a shopaholic try a different strategy. Researched showed that the fulfillment from buying material items only lasted for a couple of days. Experiences, however, left a sense of fulfillment much longer because of the memories associated with the experience. In other words, skip buying the new pair of shoes and go do something with a loved one, take a short trip, etc. 

Good luck to you!


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I really applauded you for the steps you've taken to control the habit. Also, its great that you acknowledge the problem and see what it does to those around you.


Your reply means alot to me. Shopping is an addiction, and you're correct about it releasing endorphins. We are a retail culture, where spending sprees and shopping are joked about and tolerated. So it's often difficult to admit you're not really shopping at a "normal" or even "acceptable" level, that it's not OK, and that it's a problem. I had anger and resentment for a long time towards my husband when he'd bring it up, I simply refused to admit that I had a problem out loud. Actually I reacted with an above-normal level of anger and resentment because deep down I knew there was a problem but refused to admit it even to myself. His pointing out problems would make me furious because I wanted to deny it so badly. But it's hard to deny it when you have bags of stuff still in your car weeks later, or when you simply forget about the purchases. Certainly didn't purchase the item FOR the item, when you forget you even bought it once you're home. 

It took us nearly 2 years to nail my bi-polarism, because it's so low on the spectrum. But it's enough to cause issues for me, and once we were able to address it and medicate it correctly (surprisingly low dosage) my life changed quite a bit. I still wrestle with issues, but they're not all-consuming anymore.

Unfortunately, this is an addiction that it's hard to get help for. And we all know that addictions never really go away - we just get them under control. Shopping addiction is still not completely understood, and most care providers don't really know how to classify it or treat it. Luckily I have a compassionate therapist that I "click" with that helps me, but the truth is that even she isn't always sure how to help with it. 

I like your idea about experiences and I'll give it some thought. That would also be a terrific way to include my husband in the decision-making and spending, instead of doing it myself and then bearing the obligatory guilt that follows (whether it's warranted or not).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Not IMpulsive, COMpulsive. Shopaholics are as gripped in OCD behavior as gamblers, hoarders and hand washers.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

I greatly appreciate everyones comments - it's a good feeling for me to be able to discuss something like this in the open.



Runs like Dog said:


> Not IMpulsive, COMpulsive. Shopaholics are as gripped in OCD behavior as gamblers, hoarders and hand washers.


I appreciate your response. However, when discussing myself, the term is *IM*plusive. Impulse shopping isn't planned and it isn't an obsession. I don't think about shopping constantly, and I don't go shopping seeking a fix. Instead, I find myself impulsively overspending at times when I have other stressors in my life if I'm not careful. Also, I am not a shopaholic - a shopaholic _can't_ control the spending. As long as I keep my checks and balances in place, I'm actually quite good with money.



WhiteRabbit said:


> OP...do you keep everything you buy for years and years or are you able to part with these things when you realize they serve no purpose??


I have no problem parting with things that serve no purpose or that are no longer needed. Surprisingly, I have an intense aversion to clutter, and much of our home is decorated very simply. Part of my bi-polarism is a tendency for overt generosity - and I find myself giving things away to friends and family almost too easily.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_I am bi-polar, bottom of the spectrum, and when I get depressed I find myself shopping more and more._

Ok let's parse that. When you're down you spend like comfort food. That's anxiety reactive. When you spend then, do you feel better? Most won't. Again, like digging into a bucket of chocolate ice cream? Takes the anxiety edge off. 

On the manic do you spend as well? Have you ever run into a department store and bought a whole new wardrobe bring it home and be real clear on what you just did? Do you see halos around things when you're manic?


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> _I am bi-polar, bottom of the spectrum, and when I get depressed I find myself shopping more and more._
> 
> Ok let's parse that. When you're down you spend like comfort food. That's anxiety reactive. When you spend then, do you feel better? Most won't. Again, like digging into a bucket of chocolate ice cream? Takes the anxiety edge off.
> 
> On the manic do you spend as well? Have you ever run into a department store and bought a whole new wardrobe bring it home and be real clear on what you just did? Do you see halos around things when you're manic?


The spending doesn't actually make me feel better. I don't think I have ever had a manic episode - instead I have stronger ups and downs - the ups are quick and easily influenced, and vice versa. I do not have the manic highs that are typically associated with bi-polar. Looking back, the excessive spending has shown itself at very low points in life, for example marital woes, career woes, father fighting cancer, etc. No halos, no golden "fixes" from shopping, etc. I don't impulse shop when I'm feeling good.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

BP2 or BP atypic hypomanic. You seem to have a very good handle on things. Good job!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm just the opposite, I spend when I'm hypomanic. But what I find helps most is to switch to mainly cash. I also have a couple of accounts, so that if it really is easier to use a card, say for gas or something, then I can keep an account with a relatively low balance in it and leave all the other cards etc. at home. 

It's not foolproof, but it does help prevent the impulses. I also keep very few websites with stored card information, so I can't tear things up online either. I just try to build in an extra step or two to getting the money to be impulsive, so that well....I have to think more about being impulsive


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I'm just the opposite, I spend when I'm hypomanic. But what I find helps most is to switch to mainly cash. I also have a couple of accounts, so that if it really is easier to use a card, say for gas or something, then I can keep an account with a relatively low balance in it and leave all the other cards etc. at home.
> 
> It's not foolproof, but it does help prevent the impulses. I also keep very few websites with stored card information, so I can't tear things up online either. I just try to build in an extra step or two to getting the money to be impulsive, so that well....I have to think more about being impulsive


You've nailed it on the head - that's awesome! It's all in the roadblocks and speedbumps we place, isn't it?


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I am EXACTLY like you.
When I get worried or stressed I think that that new dress will make me a different person.. as if things will change everything about who I am.

Here is the question- are you okay financially?
If you are then why are you stressing yourself over this so much? It just turns into a vicious cycle- stress about shopping makes me want to shop more.
I allow myself to save and buy myself something nice once or twice a month. I have a box in my room where I save for bigger things, basically I have a shopping allowance.
Now if you are out of control then something like therapy can be used to change your associations with shopping. It's just like any other addiction- food etc.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

bunny23 said:


> Here is the question- are you okay financially?
> If you are then why are you stressing yourself over this so much? It just turns into a vicious cycle- stress about shopping makes me want to shop more.
> I allow myself to save and buy myself something nice once or twice a month. I have a box in my room where I save for bigger things, basically I have a shopping allowance.
> Now if you are out of control then something like therapy can be used to change your associations with shopping. It's just like any other addiction- food etc.



We are very okay financially, but it feels as though I stay under the microscope for this. My last "episode" was 4 years ago. My husband still doesn't understand the problem, and I am monitored so closely that it's always on my mind. Our marriage has had a bit of a catalyst in the last week, and this is one of the things I've brought up. I can't forgive myself or learn to trust myself if I never have the same from him. Pathetic, I know, but when that's what you get from your spouse it wears you down. The "walking on eggshells" will never go away unless I feel I have a partner and a support system. I would even be thrilled with reserved trust, and it's something I've told him we need or we will never make it. At some point I will rebel inside and push back. The results could be the end of us.

I am hoping that changes are on the horizon, to help me finally move forward from this.


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