# What else can I do?



## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She struggled early on in our marriage with her faithfulness(mainly due to alcohol) but we've been solid for the last 10 years. 
Out of the blue, 2 weeks ago she propositioned the idea of an open marriage. I didn't take it too seriously at first because she says things and completely 180's a short time after. But after a few days she still wanted to discuss it. My head and heart said absolutely not. I told her I would consider it, but only after we talked to a couple that we know that have the same open relationship we were discussing. Fast forward 3 days later again, shes talking to this guy, who she hasn't spoken to in 20 or so years about hanging out and road tripping. She tells him that we have an open relationship so it's cool and I wouldn't be mad. Not sure how to fully approach it, I tell her I don't really know about the open relationship idea. She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen. 
The next day, not even wanting to take chances, I took a leap and bought her another ring, telling her I wanted us to renew our vows to each other in a real wedding(courthouse vows the first time). She was elated and was seemingly cool about dropping the open relationship idea. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon/evening and she's messaging him again(I find this out from her tablet which also has her messenger on it that was left in our room and it was constantly going off as I was trying to catch a nap before work). She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out. She tried showing me her messages, which she had deleted the condemning ones. I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I "invaded her privacy". 
After a night full of talking we "worked things out". She agreed not to speak with him anymore and that she was sorry for everything and she just liked the attention he gave her(shes very self conscious about her size after 3 kids) and it just made her "feel sexy" again. 
So I guess my question to everyone is.....is there anyway I can/should trust her moving forward? She seemed very sincere about things and truly apologetic about things. Hell we even had the best sex we've had in years(not that it's ever bad, this was just truly that phenomenal) just this morning. But I still have this pit in my stomach like she's not going to change. Any thoughts are appreciated.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

The question is should you trust a cheater? The answer is a resounding NO.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Take what she says with a grain of salt. She has lied to you and him in an effort to spend time with him.

Trust is broken at the moment and her statement about "invading her privacy" is BS.

Go forward carefully and don't confront her about anything you know. If you told her how you found out that was a mistake. Now she will be more careful to hide any inappropriate contact.

Mouth shut eyes open.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have two questions:

Are you really that desperate?

Are you really that much of a fool?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What’s the point of holding her back if she doesn’t really want you? Better to move on yourself maybe and have her be forced to make a real choice?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jdzz1982 said:


> She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen.


So you KNOW she is a liar and she has NO consideration for you AT ALL. Do you REALLY want an open marriage with a known cheater? What that means, is that SHE will have sex with any/everyone, and YOU will have to deal with it.


Jdzz1982 said:


> She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out.


Again, she is a liar, she wants to live like she is single, and of COURSE she is LYING that "nothing would happen". You KNOW that is BS in your heart -- she would be banging him like a screen door in a hurricane while "hanging out" and doing a little trip with him. 

I really think that she is NOT a safe person for marriage or ANY sort of LTR -- YOU need to look at yourself and see WHY you put up with her acting like this. "Because i love her" is NO answer -- why do you allow HER to abuse YOU and disrespect YOU with the way she acts?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Reading what you wrote makes me experience second hand embarrassment.

Wife: I’m going to cheat on you right in front your face.

You: I love you so much let’s renew our vows!

SERIOUSLY?????????

How can you allow yourself to become such a Slack Doormat Sub-Beta Gutless Loser ?

Seriously.... like WTF ????????


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Jdzz1982 said:


> *My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She struggled early on in our marriage with her faithfulness(mainly due to alcohol) *but we've been solid for the last 10 years.
> Out of the blue, 2 weeks ago she propositioned the idea of an open marriage. I didn't take it too seriously at first because she says things and completely 180's a short time after. But after a few days she still wanted to discuss it. My head and heart said absolutely not. I told her I would consider it, but only after we talked to a couple that we know that have the same open relationship we were discussing. Fast forward 3 days later again, shes talking to this guy, who she hasn't spoken to in 20 or so years about hanging out and road tripping. She tells him that we have an open relationship so it's cool and I wouldn't be mad. Not sure how to fully approach it, I tell her I don't really know about the open relationship idea. She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen.
> The next day, not even wanting to take chances, I took a leap and bought her another ring, telling her I wanted us to renew our vows to each other in a real wedding(courthouse vows the first time). She was elated and was seemingly cool about dropping the open relationship idea. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon/evening and she's messaging him again(I find this out from her tablet which also has her messenger on it that was left in our room and it was constantly going off as I was trying to catch a nap before work). She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out. She tried showing me her messages, which she had deleted the condemning ones. I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I "invaded her privacy".
> After a night full of talking we "worked things out". She agreed not to speak with him anymore and that she was sorry for everything and *she just liked the attention he gave her(shes very self conscious about her size after 3 kids) and it just made her "feel sexy" again.*
> So I guess my question to everyone is.....is there anyway I can/should trust her moving forward? She seemed very sincere about things and truly apologetic about things. Hell we even had the best sex we've had in years(not that it's ever bad, this was just truly that phenomenal) just this morning. But I still have this pit in my stomach like she's not going to change. Any thoughts are appreciated.


You are trying to give her excuses for cheating on you. She struggled with faithfulness? Or you struggled with her unfaithfulness? She is a cheater. Nothing excuses cheating. Nothing. Not alcoholism, not self-image, nothing. She made a conscious choice of talking to other men and she actively sought their attention and she willingly cheated on you with other men. Don't give her excuses. Face the reality. Your wife has cheated on you and she is going to keep cheating on you in the future. It seems that you are accepting it so far. Having the best sex is not suppressing the knot in your stomach because you know that she is going to lie and cheat again. So to answer your question: No, you cannot trust her to be faithful to you. She is going to cheat.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop being a doormat should be your first goal. Then divorce her.

Why are you allowing yourself to be a chump ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nope. You shouldn’t. But I think you will.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What's to do?

Divorce, then go to counseling to explore why that wasn't YOUR first go to move.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jdzz1982 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She struggled early on in our marriage with her faithfulness(mainly due to alcohol) but we've been solid for the last 10 years.
> Out of the blue, 2 weeks ago she propositioned the idea of an open marriage. I didn't take it too seriously at first because she says things and completely 180's a short time after. But after a few days she still wanted to discuss it. My head and heart said absolutely not. I told her I would consider it, but only after we talked to a couple that we know that have the same open relationship we were discussing. Fast forward 3 days later again, shes talking to this guy, who she hasn't spoken to in 20 or so years about hanging out and road tripping. She tells him that we have an open relationship so it's cool and I wouldn't be mad. Not sure how to fully approach it, I tell her I don't really know about the open relationship idea. She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen.
> The next day, not even wanting to take chances, I took a leap and bought her another ring, telling her I wanted us to renew our vows to each other in a real wedding(courthouse vows the first time). She was elated and was seemingly cool about dropping the open relationship idea. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon/evening and she's messaging him again(I find this out from her tablet which also has her messenger on it that was left in our room and it was constantly going off as I was trying to catch a nap before work). She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out. She tried showing me her messages, which she had deleted the condemning ones. I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I "invaded her privacy".
> After a night full of talking we "worked things out". She agreed not to speak with him anymore and that she was sorry for everything and she just liked the attention he gave her(shes very self conscious about her size after 3 kids) and it just made her "feel sexy" again.
> So I guess my question to everyone is.....is there anyway I can/should trust her moving forward? She seemed very sincere about things and truly apologetic about things. Hell we even had the best sex we've had in years(not that it's ever bad, this was just truly that phenomenal) just this morning. But I still have this pit in my stomach like she's not going to change. Any thoughts are appreciated.


I think you have seriously conflicting desires. She wants an open marriage, you don't. I don't think it's going to work out. She is flighty and flip flops constantly, to say the least.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jdzz1982 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She struggled early on in our marriage with her faithfulness(mainly due to alcohol) but we've been solid for the last 10 years.
> Out of the blue, 2 weeks ago she propositioned the idea of an open marriage. I didn't take it too seriously at first because she says things and completely 180's a short time after. But after a few days she still wanted to discuss it. My head and heart said absolutely not. I told her I would consider it, but only after we talked to a couple that we know that have the same open relationship we were discussing. Fast forward 3 days later again, shes talking to this guy, who she hasn't spoken to in 20 or so years about hanging out and road tripping. She tells him that we have an open relationship so it's cool and I wouldn't be mad. Not sure how to fully approach it, I tell her I don't really know about the open relationship idea. She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen.
> The next day, not even wanting to take chances, I took a leap and bought her another ring, telling her I wanted us to renew our vows to each other in a real wedding(courthouse vows the first time). She was elated and was seemingly cool about dropping the open relationship idea. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon/evening and she's messaging him again(I find this out from her tablet which also has her messenger on it that was left in our room and it was constantly going off as I was trying to catch a nap before work). She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out. She tried showing me her messages, which she had deleted the condemning ones. I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I "invaded her privacy".
> After a night full of talking we "worked things out". She agreed not to speak with him anymore and that she was sorry for everything and she just liked the attention he gave her(shes very self conscious about her size after 3 kids) and it just made her "feel sexy" again.
> So I guess my question to everyone is.....is there anyway I can/should trust her moving forward? She seemed very sincere about things and truly apologetic about things. Hell we even had the best sex we've had in years(not that it's ever bad, this was just truly that phenomenal) just this morning. But I still have this pit in my stomach like she's not going to change. Any thoughts are appreciated.


Yeah right, she just wants to hang out and go on a road trip and nothing will happen, lol. That is completely laughable. They probably wouldn't make it out of the driveway before they were going at it. I don't see how you could or should ever trust her, go with your gut feeling. From everything here, she has no interest in being faithful to you. She lies at the drop of a hat and will tell you anything to manipulate you and get what she wants. And when she gets caught she turns it around making her the victim because you "invaded her privacy." It sounds to me like the only reason she even asked you about the idea of an open marriage instead of simply cheating is because you've probably accepted so much ****ty behavior from her in the past she figured you would probably cave in on this one too. You can stay married if you so choose, but know that you will be in an "open marriage" whether you like it or not. To make matters worse she is providing a stellar example for your 3 children.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You said you wanted to think about it? She took your answer as a yes and immediately told her OM that the road trip was on. There’s a very high chance that she’s been secretly being banged by this guy. Now she wants to openly take a vacation with her OM, without having to hide it from you. She’s going to expect you to cover up her betrayal to the kids and friends and family.

Please do not entertain her BS about it being platonic. Before they drive around the corner, her hands will be on his zipper.

Instrad of talking about renewing your vows, you should dropping divorce papers on her lap and exposing her to all family and friends.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife lies like a rug and seems willing to lay down on said rug to spread her legs for randos and your response is to quickly buy her a shiny ring to renew your vows?

You know she's a cheater and a liar and you stay. Not only do you stay, you reward her for her trash behavior. You aren't a victim. You are a volunteer.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Thank you for all the responses. Kinda confirmed my thoughts, just had to make sure somewhere in my ****ed up head I wasn't even remotely being irrational. Over a dozen posts all saying the same thing tells me I was right on. 
The ring(it was a cheap ass 20 dollar ring) was done to completely lift any responsibility of not trying on my part. Now with the screenshots I took, everyone can see her for the manipulative trollup she is. Plus I'm sure will look good in divorce proceedings.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jdzz1982 said:


> Plus I'm sure will look good in divorce proceedings.


Unless you file at-fault, the judge won't give a rats ass.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

She is a cheater and may periodically have cheated since her first affair. It's your move, but I would get rid of her pronto.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

bobert said:


> Unless you file at-fault, the judge won't give a rats ass.


Well at fault doesn't work in Illinois anymore as it pertains to who gets what in a divorce. But it will as it pertains to me getting custody of my kids. Cause I'll be damned if theyre gonna live anywhere where a rotating door is needed.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Also, DNA your three kids.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

SRCSRC said:


> Also, DNA your three kids.


Real talk here. Not that it would affect how you feel about them or have any legal bearing at this point but you need to know.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> She must walk around with a mattress tied to her back.


No lol. But probably should. But that's excellent. Now that I've made up my mind on stuff that gave me a hell of a laugh.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Real talk here. Not that it would affect how you feel about them or have any legal bearing at this point but you need to know.


I can tell you they are all mine. Poor kids look exactly like me. Even my daughter. Poor girls never gonna get a guy.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Jdzz1982 said:


> I can tell you they are all mine. Poor kids look exactly like me. Even my daughter. Poor girls never gonna get a guy.


As Tom Leykis used to say......"Maybe she's into guys who look like you"

It sucks dude, it can feel like the a huge part of your life was just a lie. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this time. Eat good, hit the gym, talk to friends.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> As Tom Leykis used to say......"Maybe she's into guys who look like you"
> 
> It sucks dude, it can feel like the a huge part of your life was just a lie. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this time. Eat good, hit the gym, talk to friends.


Appreciate it. I'm feel surprisingly good about it. Almost a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know I did my part to try to make it work, I know I'm a helluva good guy that deserves better. Maybe when she ends up in the trailer park with an STD, she'll "get it" finally.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jdzz1982 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She struggled early on in our marriage with her faithfulness(mainly due to alcohol) but we've been solid for the last 10 years.
> Out of the blue, 2 weeks ago she propositioned the idea of an open marriage. I didn't take it too seriously at first because she says things and completely 180's a short time after. But after a few days she still wanted to discuss it. My head and heart said absolutely not. I told her I would consider it, but only after we talked to a couple that we know that have the same open relationship we were discussing. Fast forward 3 days later again, shes talking to this guy, who she hasn't spoken to in 20 or so years about hanging out and road tripping. She tells him that we have an open relationship so it's cool and I wouldn't be mad. Not sure how to fully approach it, I tell her I don't really know about the open relationship idea. She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen.
> The next day, not even wanting to take chances, I took a leap and bought her another ring, telling her I wanted us to renew our vows to each other in a real wedding(courthouse vows the first time). She was elated and was seemingly cool about dropping the open relationship idea. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon/evening and she's messaging him again(I find this out from her tablet which also has her messenger on it that was left in our room and it was constantly going off as I was trying to catch a nap before work). She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out. She tried showing me her messages, which she had deleted the condemning ones. I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I "invaded her privacy".
> After a night full of talking we "worked things out". She agreed not to speak with him anymore and that she was sorry for everything and she just liked the attention he gave her(shes very self conscious about her size after 3 kids) and it just made her "feel sexy" again.
> So I guess my question to everyone is.....is there anyway I can/should trust her moving forward? She seemed very sincere about things and truly apologetic about things. Hell we even had the best sex we've had in years(not that it's ever bad, this was just truly that phenomenal) just this morning. But I still have this pit in my stomach like she's not going to change. Any thoughts are appreciated.



Honestly if you have to ask you really do know the answer.....trust was destroyed the first time but clearly you wanted to stay with her, so you knew from the start the type of person she was...this leopard did not change her spots at all...and if you think otherwise you are being a fool.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Honestly if you have to ask you really do know the answer.....trust was destroyed the first time but clearly you wanted to stay with her, so you knew from the start the type of person she was...this leopard did not change her spots at all...and if you think otherwise you are being a fool.


Yeah deep down always knew the time would come. Guess the optimistic part of me convinced myself all was good. Writing this post was a quasi rhetorical question. I guess just wanted to see other people convince me I was being an idiot.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jdzz1982 said:


> Yeah deep down always knew the time would come. Guess the optimistic part of me convinced myself all was good. Writing this post was a quasi rhetorical question. I guess just wanted to see other people convince me I was being an idiot.


not an idiot....hopeful romantic dreamer, unfortunately you are married to a potential nightmare.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> not an idiot....hopeful romantic dreamer, unfortunately you are married to a potential nightmare.
> [/QUO





Lostinthought61 said:


> not an idiot....hopeful romantic dreamer, unfortunately you are married to a potential nightmare.


No "potential" there. Just a nightmare straight up. Oh well these things happen. Hence the calling of a divorce lawyer.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jdzz1982 said:


> Yeah deep down always knew the time would come. Guess the optimistic part of me convinced myself all was good. Writing this post was a quasi rhetorical question. I guess just wanted to see other people convince me I was being an idiot.


You're only an idiot is you knew back then everything you know now. That is the hardest part of getting into a relationship. The other person can hide who they really are. They might not even fully realize who they are.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Jdzz1982 said:


> Well at fault doesn't work in Illinois anymore as it pertains to who gets what in a divorce. But it will as it pertains to me getting custody of my kids. Cause I'll be damned if theyre gonna live anywhere where a rotating door is needed.


Judge isn't gonna give a rats ass if she's having sex with people, either, as long as it isn't affecting her parenting.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Judge isn't gonna give a rats ass if she's having sex with people, either, as long as it isn't affecting her parenting.


It can if the guy she's messaging and hooking up with has priors for meth and domestic. That's another little tidbit I found after digging a bit.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jdzz1982 said:


> It can if the guy she's messaging and hooking up with has priors for meth and domestic. That's another little tidbit I found after digging a bit.


He sounds like a real catch. Someone a lady would love to just hang out and road trip with, lol.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He sounds like a real catch. Someone a lady would love to just hang out and road trip with, lol.


Exactly. That's honestly what kinda gets me the most. If you're gonna cheat, at least upgrade. Better looking, richer, whatever. Ah well, enjoy the tweeker who may or may not smack you around some. Bed made, lie in it. Sure there's been plenty already laid in.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Jdzz1982 said:


> Exactly. That's honestly what kinda gets me the most. If you're gonna cheat, at least upgrade. Better looking, richer, whatever. Ah well, enjoy the tweeker who may or may not smack you around some. Bed made, lie in it. Sure there's been plenty already laid in.


Don't remember where I heard this but the saying was that women will marry up, but cheat at their level or below.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Jdzz1982 said:


> I can tell you they are all mine. Poor kids look exactly like me. Even my daughter. Poor girls never gonna get a guy.


...Did you just call your daughter ugly? Great dad there


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

bobert said:


> ...Did you just call your daughter ugly? Great dad there


It was sarcasm. She's a beautiful girl with beautiful blue eyes. The joke was more on me cause I'm ugly af. She looks just like me, just pulls it off better.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Don't remember where I heard this but the saying was that women will marry up, but cheat at their level or below.


Which almost makes no sense. Would theoretically think it'd he the opposite. I can see a woman "settling" for a guy. Just for stability or whatever. But if you're gonna take the time and cheat.....at least make it "worth it". Why ruin a marriage for a "small" guy who lasts 2 mins and is ugly af to boot? Lol.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How old are you both?

You know you’re a catch, you can do way better than this.

I can tell you it sounds like an affair down, which usually means your wife knows you’re the shizz, and hates that about you. So she wants to feel on top of the world and what better way to do it than lower her standards real low. That’s who she is, so it’s time for you to level up!

The only open thing you should give her is a door.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You do realize that your marriage is already open don't you? You just didn't know it.

She is a serial cheat.

I second the DNA your kids comment and you need to focus on why don't have enough self respect as no self respecting person would tolerate this.

Don't make excuses for her (alcohol) and believe her actions not her words.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t want to minimise your pain, this must hurt. 😔

But later, at some point picture two men telling this story when catching up - one of these men has a beautiful loving classy woman who said, ‘honey, go out tonight and get some time to yourself with a pal, you deserve it’.

The man is laughing and telling his friend this story about the ex who behaved like a teenager with her texting and plans for a road trip 😂😂🤣


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Jdzz1982 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She struggled early on in our marriage with her faithfulness(mainly due to alcohol) but we've been solid for the last 10 years.
> Out of the blue, 2 weeks ago she propositioned the idea of an open marriage. I didn't take it too seriously at first because she says things and completely 180's a short time after. But after a few days she still wanted to discuss it. My head and heart said absolutely not. I told her I would consider it, but only after we talked to a couple that we know that have the same open relationship we were discussing. Fast forward 3 days later again, shes talking to this guy, who she hasn't spoken to in 20 or so years about hanging out and road tripping. She tells him that we have an open relationship so it's cool and I wouldn't be mad. Not sure how to fully approach it, I tell her I don't really know about the open relationship idea. She was adamant that nothing would happen, she just wanted to hang out and chill with him. She said she even told him as much that nothing would happen. I asked her, for reassurances, to show me that she told him that. She balked and got mad and said she hadn't actually said it, but swore nothing would happen.
> The next day, not even wanting to take chances, I took a leap and bought her another ring, telling her I wanted us to renew our vows to each other in a real wedding(courthouse vows the first time). She was elated and was seemingly cool about dropping the open relationship idea. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon/evening and she's messaging him again(I find this out from her tablet which also has her messenger on it that was left in our room and it was constantly going off as I was trying to catch a nap before work). She's telling him that we shut down our open relationship because a guy she had previously hooked up with was constantly messaging me(which never happened) and that they could still hang and they just had to be more hush hush about it. I loosely confront her about it, trying to give her a chance to be honest. Instead she gets angry with me, saying she told him that nothing would happen and they were just going to hang out. She tried showing me her messages, which she had deleted the condemning ones. I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I "invaded her privacy".
> After a night full of talking we "worked things out". She agreed not to speak with him anymore and that she was sorry for everything and she just liked the attention he gave her(shes very self conscious about her size after 3 kids) and it just made her "feel sexy" again.
> So I guess my question to everyone is.....is there anyway I can/should trust her moving forward? She seemed very sincere about things and truly apologetic about things. Hell we even had the best sex we've had in years(not that it's ever bad, this was just truly that phenomenal) just this morning. But I still have this pit in my stomach like she's not going to change. Any thoughts are appreciated.


If my wife asked for an open marriage, our marriage as I have experienced it is OVER. I would know that as soon as the words left her mouth. 

But yes, I would give her an open relationship, but not so much a marriage. I would ask her for a divorce first, then to start dating again. ALL WITH THE HOPES THAT I CAN GET A NICE CLEAN COMFY DIVORCE.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I am dumbfounded. I feel sorry for you as you do not truly see your worth.Why in the hell would you stay with someone who thinks so little of you and your marriage. Kick her to the curb and work on your self esteem And find someone who truly respects you.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How old are you both?
> 
> You know you’re a catch, you can do way better than this.
> 
> ...


We're both 38. In hindsight, yes she acts the way she does because deep down she knows how much better I was/am than her. That's not meant to be an ego trip but reality in the past 24 hours or so have kind of given me clarity to everything. She cares about what she wants, how she wants, when she wants. Simple as that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> _*I have two questions:
> 
> Are you really that desperate?
> 
> Are you really that much of a fool?*_



Repeated for TRUTH. Good lord.

How much of a welcome mat do you want to BE? Find your dignity, find your spine, and find your self-respect.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Jdzz1982 said:


> yes she acts the way she does because deep down she knows how much better I was/am than her.


She may be a LS (low self esteem) woman. Very dangerous and unpredictable. They should be avoided. Read Female Psychology for the Practical Man for a better understanding. You can download it online. LS women unconsciously sabotage good relationships. It also explains why she'd go with a meth head.

The ring was a terrible move. Should have kicked her. Do not entertain this nonsense of an open marriage and road trips. She's trying to turn you into a babysitter and plow horse. You have to learn the rules of the game. 

You are nothing more than a wallet kept around for material support. Time to take charge and end the nice guy routine. Read *Intolerant's thread *on here. Pay attention to his responses to his cheating wife. He did it the right way. Few do.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Jdzz1982 said:


> I told her I saw what was written and she immediately fell silent, then once again became upset because I *"invaded her privacy".*



Let her know that her access to your wallet is a_ violation of your privacy_. When she needs support (money, things she relies on for her husband to do) you are no longer doing that sh=t. She's on her own. The road trip guy can open his wallet. She must understand that she is *replaceable* as well. this is very important.


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## Jdzz1982 (Jun 24, 2021)

manowar said:


> She may be a LS (low self esteem) woman. Very dangerous and unpredictable. They should be avoided. Read Female Psychology for the Practical Man for a better understanding. You can download it online. LS women unconsciously sabotage good relationships. It also explains why she'd go with a meth head.
> 
> The ring was a terrible move. Should have kicked her. Do not entertain this nonsense of an open marriage and road trips. She's trying to turn you into a babysitter and plow horse. You have to learn the rules of the game.
> 
> You are nothing more than a wallet kept around for material support. Time to take charge and end the nice guy routine. Read *Intolerant's thread *on here. Pay attention to his responses to his cheating wife. He did it the right way. Few do.


Thanks for the reply and I'll have to check out the referrals. Yeah ring was a dumbass move. But funny you mention the wallet thing. Exactly what I told her when she asked for 50 yesterday.....that I hear that's the going rate on the street for oral and to call him up and see if he'll fork it over for the favor. Needless to say it didn't go over well. But 2 ****s less could've been given at that point. Much more happy since I gave the boot after that.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

I wasn't trying to be witty about the wallet thing. Women are *duelists* in that they separate men into two categories -- Lovers and Providers. It's called the *Lover/Provider dichotomy*. the book I recommended has a chapter on this.. yeah I know, your clergyman never told you. 

You never got the memo from the society at large, the movies, tv, romantic comedies, culture, religion, education, etc.... They taught us like circus seals to behave a certain way. Be nice guys, put the woman on a pedestal after all she's a queen, and the prize. Heck, we're lucky to have them. In other words, women are sort of like weaker, kinder, more virtuous versions of ourselves. I'm going to break it to you, it's all wrong. You've been lied to my friend. And I'm going to change *your worldview*. So you know what you're doing when you start meeting new women. You are in your thirties going into your forties.. this is the sweet spot for a man who *understands the rules*. First, looks for a man is overrated. It matters but not as much as you may think. It's more about behavior. when you learn this sh=t you'll be getting hotter women than what you have now. I guarantee it. But you have to do the work. First, divorce and* begin the reeducation process* for the next six months to one year. *You need to rewire your brain*.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Just fyi she read from the WW script. She is WW. You cannot trust her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

What else can you do? Seriously?

You tell your wife clearly and plainly that you will not accept an open marriage. Period.

You tell her that your marriage is not open and will not be open, and any attempts on her part to act in that direction will be a choice to end the marriage.

You tell her that she will not go on any trip with any other man. You tell her that she will terminate communication with this other man immediately. You tell her that you will have free and open access to all her devices (and she’s welcome to the same).
It’s not a negotiation, it’s a statement and it’s a hard boundary.

You tell her that if she feels your marriage is lacking, then you can discuss it in marriage counseling but the marriage will not be open.

Then you go see a lawyer right away and have divorce papers drawn up on the basis of adultery (if that’s relevant where you live). 
Be ready to hand her those papers if she does not agree to your expectations of marriage, or if she goes behind your back to continue. 

And you continue to keep your eyes open, or depending on her reaction, just end it immediately. You need to protect yourself now. She’s not your friend and she’s not on your side. You better get that idea in your head because women who respect and love their husbands do not behave this way. Period.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File for divorce and DNA your kids.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

TSAR.....that **** ain’t right brother.....move on.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Years ago, a client's wife began acting like this. Started telling friends that she was open to another relationship, as she said she had a time limit on monogamy, and thought that she had outgrown her current marital status. My client was at first heartbroken. He knew his wife suffered with OCD and was borderline. He, though, could not put up with the disrespect. So, after hearing her say to a girlfriend that she had once again outgrown the provincial marriage vows she had taken. He proposed that they both get on to Tinder and see what both could attract. My client was a friend from my gym. I had not met his wife. He was in the gym religiously every other morning. From what I could ascertain, the wife did not like physical activity. Few days afterward, he had about twenty potential dates, she had two. His potentials were younger and fairly well preserved. Hers were two pervy old men that were looking for someone to take care of them. The idea of an open marriage where she would watch him go with younger and prettier women while she was attracting the Geritol crowd was totally unacceptable to her. It offended her that her husband was attracting women, while the comments she received was that her gluteus maximus was fairly expansive, and the men were disinterested in bounce for the ounce. She succeeded in one thing, she is no longer interested in an open marriage, she needs to hold onto him with both hands as her value on the market is severely limited. She thought that by virtue of owning a vagina, her dance card would be full. Too bad that she was proven wrong.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you said she “struggled with her faithfulness” I knew you were screwed.

you considered letting your wife bang other men. 
you rewarded her with a new ring.

2x4 over the head needed........ aw hell, I can’t even do it on this one...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Taxman said:


> Years ago, a client's wife began acting like this. Started telling friends that she was open to another relationship, as she said she had a time limit on monogamy, and thought that she had outgrown her current marital status. My client was at first heartbroken. He knew his wife suffered with OCD and was borderline. He, though, could not put up with the disrespect. So, after hearing her say to a girlfriend that she had once again outgrown the provincial marriage vows she had taken. He proposed that they both get on to Tinder and see what both could attract. My client was a friend from my gym. I had not met his wife. He was in the gym religiously every other morning. From what I could ascertain, the wife did not like physical activity. Few days afterward, he had about twenty potential dates, she had two. His potentials were younger and fairly well preserved. Hers were two pervy old men that were looking for someone to take care of them. The idea of an open marriage where she would watch him go with younger and prettier women while she was attracting the Geritol crowd was totally unacceptable to her. It offended her that her husband was attracting women, while the comments she received was that her gluteus maximus was fairly expansive, and the men were disinterested in bounce for the ounce. She succeeded in one thing, she is no longer interested in an open marriage, she needs to hold onto him with both hands as her value on the market is severely limited. She thought that by virtue of owning a vagina, her dance card would be full. Too bad that she was proven wrong.


Taxman....... never gets old lol


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## omark9343 (Apr 6, 2017)

Hell no that **** sound crazy why do I need to talk to other people to see if I’m attracted to one I’m with or not that a sick game …if I have to leave you and talk to other people I’m just going to be gone 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hmmm. i wonder about the "sudden nature" of this. it might appear to be sudden to you, but sounds like she has been fantasizing about this for some while, possibly even putting her plans into action.

but, on the assumption that she has not done any cheating in the last five years....i would approach her and ask WHY she needs to "open the marriage". I would ask what she meant by the fantasy of "going on a road trip but not doing anything"? open marriage, by definition, means getting laid with other men, so why is she trying to gaslight you on what she plans to do in this open marriage?

she might have OCD, might be bipolar, might be depressed....and the right medications might fix her, and prevent her from this whole open marriage fantasy. Crazy people really ARE crazy, they can not control what they do without the proper mood stabilizing medicine! Crazy people are not choosing to cheat on you, its almost like they forget they are married to you. they can not logically reason things out anymore.

I guess i would try to figure out what is going on in her mind, and try to get her psychiatric help if indeed there is some sort of mental illness. But if she is medically sound, and just is horny for some strange....time to let her go


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jdzz1982 said:


> Appreciate it. I'm feel surprisingly good about it. Almost a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know I did my part to try to make it work, I know I'm a helluva good guy that deserves better. Maybe when she ends up in the trailer park with an STD, she'll "get it" finally.


Nope. You are the one that needs to get it. This is who she is, was and will always be.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

OP hasn't posted in three months and said he gave her the boot. Just sayin'.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I only came here for the Taxman. As per usual, he did not disappoint.


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