# husband says he's not attracted to me- I'm bitter, hurt and at the end of my rope



## wilted_flower

Yesterday my husband told me that he's not attracted to me, and hasn't been for some time. Today he tells me that my once soothing touch became bothersome, and then annoying. 

He says that when he touches me, he feels nothing. And I can feel that lack of love conveyed through his touch. 

We've been together for 4 years, married for 1. He's practically out the door already, started working out and playing the guitar again... feels like he is "priming" himself to be ready for the dating scene again. And he is convinced that this will end. 

He says he's known for a long time, but didn't admit it to himself. It was one day a few weeks ago that something clicked, and since then, he hasn't looked back. He's going to counseling with me because "he owes me that much." How nice of him. 

The thing is, my heart is breaking. No, my soul is wrenched like a dirty dishrag. I've had many issues in the past with food (borderline eating disorder...), and I can't help but think to myself if I lose weight maybe he will be attracted to me again. I am not overweight by any means, and I know this, but still I look in the mirror and think those curves and bumps shouldn't maybe be there. It's pathetic. 

We're going to counseling tonight and I hope he can glean some realistic perspectives on what love and marriage are all about. I don't know if I can get through to him when he is so closed off and indifferent. 

I am devastated. Is there anything I can do to help him realize that real life romance isn't perfect all the time? That when you do nothing to keep the love alive, of course it's going to disappear in a few years? 

I don't know how to act because I don't want to seem pathetic. I also don't want to seem indifferent, because that's what got us into this mess. 

More than anything, I am angry. I feel betrayed, and I feel like he's just giving up on us. I don't know what to do with these emotions. He hasn't given 'us' a fair chance or even a fair effort. I am so bitter and hurt and angry that I can't think rationally... which is unusual for someone who is usually so level headed and objective. It's difficult to keep a clear mind here... with so many conflicting emotions. 

I just wanted some input, thoughts, outcomes and advice from somebody who's been through something like this before. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that for some reason, he is dead set on leaving me- and believes we've been living a lie for the past 4 years. 

Just shoot me. It would make all this so much easier.


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## Diamondsrbff

I feel your pain...my husband told me he doesn't love me anymore and is moving out at the end of this month. We've been married for 22 yrs this month. Didn't see it coming. I have gone through all the feelings you are experiencing..the first few weeks I had never felt such pain and yes shoot me does sums it up. We went to one counseling session..he wont go again, he was willing to read a book together..now he doesn't want to do that after 1 chapter. We were suppose to start "dating" again...we've gone on two dates which I've had planned and his only comments have been..."i'm not as hopeful and your just doing this and saying that b/c of our situation. I'd say I'm now passing on to the anger stage.
My advise to you is to focus on yourself..it will be hard. I'm doing it myself...I'm going to the gym more, working on the house (things that he should have done) making sure kids are where they need to be and finances taken care of basically just showing him i don't need him. I've told him to go and "find his perspective" but I can't guarantee that I'll be here when he realizes hes making a mistake. It's very hard b/c I love him, I don't want my marriage to end but I can't make him feel what he doesn't think he does. 
Don't know if this helps but I'm here if you want to talk.


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## franklinfx

Sorry if others asked this, didnt read all other replies, but did he say why hes not attracted you anymore? not blaming you, in fact, he sounds kinda mean, but Im wondering if youve considered that, if youve gone through physical changes, since you met, like cutting your hair short, or gaining weight, maybe he considers that, a lack of caring on your part, but just the fact that, you came here to share your story, shows you care emotionally at least. Good luck .


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## franklinfx

Sorry guess I read the op too fast, didnt catch the part about the ED.


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## IamNotHere

Just how much do you weigh? How much were you when you guys met?

I know some people hate to hear it, but a woman gaining a good amount of weight takes a huge toll on the guy's attraction, which takes a big toll on the relationship.


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## Chris Taylor

I think some personal counseling for you, outside of the marriage counseling, could help. My first impression was that you had self esteem issues.

If you could feel right about yourself, and use marriage counseling to help in the marriage, it may have a chance.


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## DawnD

I am going to agree with Chris. This might not be a body image thing, but he might be having trouble being attracted to your attitude. ( self esteem, etc) Have you looked at what was different before you got married to now? Are you happy most of the time? Do you show him affection? Do you have friend? Do you both go out together with friends??


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## turnera

Have you snooped to see if he's cheating?


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## wilted_flower

Thanks everyone for your responses. Iamnothere: I have always been petite and in the last 5 years my weight has fluctuated about 10 pounds. I don't think it's an issue of not caring, or "letting myself go." 

Hunt Brown, I've realized (partially thanks to you) that I cannot change his mind, however illogical he may be thinking. If he has unrealistic ideas about how a relationship is supposed to be, then that's going to be his disappointment down the road. 

About the self esteem issue- in the last few years that has actually improved a lot. I have had quite the history of sexual abuse, and my husband knew about these when we met, and I have done so many positive and amazing things these last few years, that actually I am feeling pretty good about myself. I have done a lot of healing. 

That's why I feel so pathetic about this whole appearance thing. I KNOW that's not all there is to feeling love for some body. And there's NO reason he shouldn't feel attracted to me. But that little voice isn't always rational... 

Turnera, I didn't snoop. I asked point blank, which he denied. BUT, when I asked to see his phone he REFUSED to show it to me, saying that it was "private." I told him that I was his wife and he shouldn't have to hide from me. I wanted to see his text messages to a certain woman that he's been really good friends with for a long time (she was in our wedding), and I had often wondered in the past if things were getting inappropriate. They had been texting each other constantly the last few days. 

And that's when he told me. He's had feelings for her for years. He propositioned her before, but apparently she didn't feel the same connection. 

I can't believe this. I feel like a frigging idiot. For years they have paraded around in front of me, their work, giggling and laughing and calling each other "BFF" (really). They have private jokes, they laugh at each others' jokes.... and here the whole time I was just trying to be a mature, bigger person by trusting my husband to not violate the trusts of our marriage. I wish he had come to me as soon as he had feelings for her. Now, he's had way too much time invested in developing their "connection," and hasn't spent any of that time with me. 

I can't believe this. Just when things couldn't get any worse... I can't look at him right now, or talk to him. I stay at work just to avoid him. I can't stand his insensitivity. 

Oh, and when I asked him to stop talking to her, he didn't want to. I told him that with her in his life, she was going to cloud his judgment toward our relationship, and me. He still didn't want to stop talking to her. I told him he needed to choose, her or me. 

As of right now, it seems he's chosen her. 

F**** fantastic.


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## franklinfx

Like I said before, he sounds kinda mean and insensitive, Im sorry for what youre going through, your not alone though, alot of us are married to inconsiderate people.


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## wilted_flower

Chris and DawnD... 
I have been struggling lately emotionally (for about 6 months), partially from the downturn of our relationship and partially from my new career which is ridiculously stressful (but only for a year or so more). So I do know that I have lacked in my affections and attentions. The trouble is, when he would touch me, it would feel so cold, so I began to avoid it. With my history of sexual trauma, I never really noticed that we hadn't had sex until it had been quite some time- weeks usually. 

I'm not a great communicator. I also am not a huge fan of conflict. But I do know that I TREID to communicate my needs and concerns several times. Not as often as I should have, but I did try. I remember one time when I began to bring it up, he mentioned that it was time for our "monthly talk," which he blamed on my menses (it had nothing to do with that). 

He doesn't TALK when we talk. He gets all quiet and says he's absorbing things and needs to think. So what I am supposed to think, years later, when he openly divulges all his issues to another woman, a woman to whom he has this "deep emotional connection"?? 


Oh, and the clicker- she just got out of a long term relationship a few weeks ago. AND, the same things my husband is telling me as to why he is leaving me? There the exact same things she said to her ex boyfriend. 

AND, he wouldn't decide to stop talking to her until after he went over to her house last night and they discussed it. He tells me now that they are going to still be "friends, but not talk." What does that mean?? Does he think I'm an idiot?


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## wilted_flower

Breeze, she is a mutual friend. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. When all of this first started going on, I did go to her for advice. 

Her advice? To leave him. 

I haven't spoken to her because I've been too upset and I know I need to be rational when I do speak with her. But, you're right. I think I do need to speak with her- I've got to find out what's been going on, and what her intentions are.


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## Therealbrighteyes

No need to talk with her. Her intentions are not honorable to say the very least. She tells you to leave him....i.e clear the path for her. Enough said.


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## wilted_flower

Brennan, you speak the truth. I just went downstairs to tell my husband a few things. I was calm. 

I said: 

first, that I don't want to kick him out, but I need him to be willing to work on things if he's going to stay. 

second, in order for things to be repaired in our marriage, she needs to be gone. He needs to stop talking to her, to stop being friends with her. As long as he is attracted to somebody else, he's not going to be able to work on things with me. "The trouble is that there's 3 people in our marriage." 

Third, he needs to treat me with more respect. He can't tell me to shut up anymore, call me a f***ing B***h, or say hurtful things. I deserve to be treated with respect, and I haven't done anything to warrant any less. 

And finally, that the hiding needs to stop. There needs to be an open door policy. He can't hide his phone around, or keep it obsessively on his person. And he can't keep his laptop password protected anymore. The only other person besides himself that is around his laptop is me. I told him I have no desire to snoop through his stuff, but that he can't keep things hidden from me anymore. There's no reason to keep his computer locked. 


I told him I wasn't looking for a discussion, as I worked 12 hours today in no AC (it was broken, and note that I live in AZ), but I needed to say my piece. So I did, and I walked away. I'll let him stew and ponder and we'll talk later. Tomorrow or something. 

I hope I'm not being too pushy.


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## Wisp

Stand your ground, be very confident in yourself


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## Chris Taylor

You did the right thing, but ONLY if you stand your ground.

if he doesn't agree, and you hang around taking more of this, you have no one to blame but yourself. This is when you have to be stringest. You have made a decision and laid out the basics of how this marriage will survive and if he can't meet those rules, you have to move on.

Good luck.


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## lonelyed

My husband says he would rather have a wank than have sex with me. And do you know what? I just don't care.

I'm 35 yrs old, I'm a UK size 10, and fit and toned from years of working out. I don't smoke and take good care of myself by eating well, looking after my skin, getting lots of sleep etc. I'm often told I'm a yummy mummy. 

He is 34 yrs old and around 2 stone overweight. He smokes so he has stinky breath. He does no exercise and so has no stamina and is often hot and sweaty. He takes no care of himself and often munches his way through a family sized bag of crisps.

So, that begs the question, why don't I follow my heart and find someone who does want to have sex with me, and who I fancy enough to want to have sex with? 


Chris H. said:


> Welcome to *Talk About Marriage*.
> 
> *Talk About Marriage* is a forum to discuss marriage and relationships. Here, we interpret the word "marriage" loosely, recognizing that many different people from different cultures view marriage differently.
> 
> I started Talk About Marriage because I know that there are a ton of people out there looking for help and support in their relationships. Talk About Marriage provides a unique opportunity for people to anonymously post and provide feedback to others about their relationships. There is no cost for using this website; it is entirely supported by advertising and it's parent site, The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory.
> 
> The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory has been one of the top sites in the search engines for "Marriage Counseling" and "Family Counseling" since 2003. Because of this, I am aware of the masses of people that are searching for help on the internet. Based on some rough statistics, I can estimate that about a half million visitors came to the site this past year.
> 
> Talk About Marriage is designed to be a community forum for those interested in talking to others about their relationships, but perhaps not ready to take the extra step to get professional help. Be aware that there are professionals available for relationship help all around the world, and The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory is just a small sample of therapists who have chosen to advertise.
> 
> The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy has a service called Therapist Locator, which lists trained marriage and family therapists in the US, Canada, and Overseas.
> 
> The American Psychological Association also has a referral service called the APA Help Center.
> 
> In addition, the Open Directory Project has a category full of other mental health counseling directories. And there are advertisers on this site who provide professional services as well.
> 
> As you can see, I am partial to professional help. One reason being, that I have a post-graduate degree in Social Work, and I believe it to be a worthy field with impeccable values. The other reason I am partial to professional help, is that I've done my own work in different forms of therapy for many years, and I've found it to be an incredible life-enriching process that has helped me to become a good husband and father. Therapy has a way of helping me see things I wouldn't normally see, and learn things about myself that I might never have learned.
> 
> Of course, I've heard all of the horror stories about therapists out there who "did this" or "said that!" I'm very fortunate that the one's I've spent time with have been well-trained and ethical. People should be aware that every state has licensing bodies who are there to deal with unethical behavior, and it is our duty to report unethical conduct.
> 
> That brings me back to this forum  . Please read our posting guidelines. This forum is open to the general public, and there is no guarantee about what anyone here might say. Please be respectful of others, regardless of how different your views are.
> 
> Thank you for visiting my site.
> 
> 
> Chris Hartwell


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## turnera

wilted_flower, good for you!

Just be prepared to pack his bags.


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## wilted_flower

Well, he must have thought about what I said. He wanted to talk to night, and said that he thought I would like it. 

We went out to sushi and he told me that he knew running away from things was bad, and that he wanted to see if we could work things out because then he could understand more about why he was feeling this way. I agreed with him there. 

Then he came to the OW. He refuses to end things with her, thinking that I am over reacting and he even went so far as to say that his sadness over losing the friendship would hinder any progress that we could make as a married couple. 

His excuse is that he has always been better friends with women. I said, fine- but when you're a married man there are certain boundaries. They have crossed that line, and so now for any hope of our relationship to work, she's got to go. He spent much of the conversation defending her, and their relationship. He reiterated that even though they weren't going to talk all the time, they were still going to be there for each other in times of need. He would be there for her, and she him. "While all this was going on," he told me, they wouldn't talk as much. And he promised me nothing was going to happen, that it was just a "silly crush." 

There were moments during the conversation where I was beginning to feel I was over reacting... but when I think about it NOT in conversation with him, I feel like I am being pretty logical. 

He feels like I am telling him who to be friends with and who not to be, which apparently reminds him of his ex (way before me). I told him that I was disappointed that he is defending his friendship with this other woman more so than our own marriage. 

The conversation was so pointless and messy- he feels like their relationship has not been inappropriate in any way, and that his feelings are simply a harmless crush. I feel that all the signs point to that I have been an idiot for not being suspicious before and there's NO WAY this hasn't had a significant effect on our relationship. The excitement of an almost love or a secret crush is going to win out every time over a day to day, routine-rut marriage... 

Chris- I am sticking to my guns on this one. I meant what I said when I said it to him, and truly believe it's the best thing for me. I just hate that little voice that wavers... that I am being irrational...

But I respect myself too much to let this happen again.


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## turnera

Time for him to move out, then.


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## Brewster 59

breeze said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yeah, he's refused your request, to stand your ground, this is what has to happen.


:iagree: Dont let him have his cake and eat it too. Make him make a choice.


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## Wisp

"The excitement of an almost love or a secret crush is going to win out every time over a day to day, routine-rut marriage... "

Indeed you are right. Move on with your life - do what you need to do. He will learn the grass is not greener on the other side.


"He refuses to end things with her, thinking that I am over reacting and he even went so far as to say that his sadness over losing the friendship would hinder any progress that we could make as a married couple". --- I can give you the exact script from a book describing excuses from those in affairs, it says EXACTLY what he said to you. Typical ploy .

Think of YOU. be strong and be brave, one step at a time, you are keeping your dignity as a woman, he lost his dignity as a man when he started this nonsense.

And out him to all friends, family and his co-workers. Shine the torch on his deceit


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## turnera

Agree. Time to tell his family and friends that he is choosing his affair over his marriage.


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## wilted_flower

Ok... but I feel a little strange just calling them up to tell them that, since we were never that close (damn cell phones... they would just call him if they needed to tell us something). 

I'm not really sure the best way to approach that one. Especially since I am sure what they are hearing is... "_____ is being really controlling and making me end my best friendship. I keep telling her there's nothing going on but she won't believe me." 

Why are they going to believe anything I say when he's their son/brother/friend/coworker? 

Any suggestions?


PS- they live across the country, and have never seen my H and the OW interact. It's pretty obvious there's something inappropriate if you watch them together for more than 5 minutes in a social setting. Her past 2 boyfriends have been jealous of their friendship.


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## turnera

You can send them all an email, and include some type of evidence, such as a conversation they had, stuff like that. Suggested words are like: "Hi XXX, this is wf. I'm writing to let you know that Mr wf is having an affair with ABC. If you need proof I can provide it. I'm trying to save my marriage, and I have learned that the only way I can do that is if ABC is removed from our equation. There is no way we can address our issues if he is giving his attention to her. I am hoping that you will agree that our marriage is worth saving, so I am asking you to talk to him and see if you can let him know that you think he should give our marriage a fair shot by agreeing to cease contact with ABC. If our marriage survives or not, at least we will have made an honest effort without a third person in it. I hope I can count on you."


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## bdbdbd

I understand what you were going through. My husband went through his mid-life crisis 3 times already - the last time was around 4 years ago. He said things that was hurtful. I am still with him. I do wonder sometimes why I am still with him. I am too busy supporting our lives that I forget to sit down and think things through. Or, maybe I am just afraid that I may make a decision that we are not supposed to be together anymore. I give and give and give, and I need to start taking what's mine.

I do hope that you and I will have the courage to face the reality of our marriages soon. It requires 2 parties to make things work.


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## wilted_flower

bdbd- it sounds like you're in a very sad situation... I hope you find a way to make peace with yourself and your relationship. Good luck... 

Turnera, thank you for the terrific advice you have given me during this difficult time. Your suggestion for wording the family email is fantastic. 

However, there's one problem... the evidence I would find is surely in his phone, and he always keeps his phone locked (iphone). Is there a way to access text messages from the account settings in AT & T? I can't even look at his phone without knowing what his password is. He'll never show me the messages. 

AND, there might even be emails, for all I know. He also keeps his laptop password protected... 

Without the important evidence, I don't think I have much to go on. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's screwing me over royally here. 

This whole thing is so ridiculous I can't even believe it. Like something out of a 'B' movie. 

I can't eat, I can't sleep... I just feel nauseous, deflated, numb, bitter, sad, lost, hopeless..... How much longer can I go on like this??? 

At the very least, he isn't seeing that side of me anymore. He doesn't see much of me at all in the last few days.


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## turnera

Well, honestly, you don't HAVE to offer to show evidence. In fact, most people I've seen do exposures have NOT shown any evidence. They just know. And they exude that knowledge in the way they deal with the affair. Most people don't ask for proof.

IF you have asked him to stop and he refuses, just go ahead and sit down and contact his people (and her people). Expect him to be mad. But at this point, what do you have to lose?


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## wilted_flower

You're right. Fortunately, I have found evidence. 

He has not allowed me to look at his phone, but I did look at our AT&T bill. 900 text messages in the last two weeks between the two of them. 1000 minutes of phone conversations. And that's just from July 27. 

July's bill is only slightly better. 

He knew he was going to get caught when I went to ask him what the ATT password was. He wanted to talk to me before I saw it. 

THEN, he proceeded to say mean and hurtful things, using profanity and calling me names... all the while HE should be the one who is feeling bad and ashamed. I made a point to stay as calm as I could and used "I feel" statements so that MAYBE I could get through to him that his words and actions right now are being borderline emotionally abusive. 

I can't BELIEVE the sheer number and volume of contact they've had!! Our phone bill SO FAR is 60 pages on a word document. 

Am I saving these? You bet.


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## wilted_flower

Well, I just emailed his mom and sister, asking for their help. 

I hope they will be able to talk some sense into him. 

Thanks, everybody for all your input and advice and help. I surely would have lost my mind by now without this forum. There is a warm place in my heart for you. Thank you.


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## puffs31

I am so sorry for what you are going through. What he has said to you is beyond hurtful and what he's doing to your heart and self-esteem is extra painful. I know you love him and want your marriage to work, but how do you plan to look at him everyday knowing what he feels and thinks about you? I know it's your marriage and its a very serious thing, but you have to know that this isn't your fault and has nothing to do with you. He is the one with the issues here. And if you can get over all of this and still be with him, then you are a stronger person than most.

You have to love yourself first, no matter how he or anyone else may feel about you. Your self worth isn't in your size, I'm sure you know that. You need a man that'll love you completely and if your husband can't do that for you, soon it'll be time to move on and find a new love.

Good luck to you, stay strong and be good to yourself.


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## turnera

wilted_flower said:


> You're right. Fortunately, I have found evidence.
> 
> He has not allowed me to look at his phone, but I did look at our AT&T bill. 900 text messages in the last two weeks between the two of them. 1000 minutes of phone conversations. And that's just from July 27.
> 
> July's bill is only slightly better.
> 
> He knew he was going to get caught when I went to ask him what the ATT password was. He wanted to talk to me before I saw it.
> 
> THEN, he proceeded to say mean and hurtful things, using profanity and calling me names... all the while HE should be the one who is feeling bad and ashamed. I made a point to stay as calm as I could and used "I feel" statements so that MAYBE I could get through to him that his words and actions right now are being borderline emotionally abusive.
> 
> I can't BELIEVE the sheer number and volume of contact they've had!! Our phone bill SO FAR is 60 pages on a word document.
> 
> Am I saving these? You bet.


EXTREMELY typical, for the wayward, seeing they are about to be exposed, to try to get mad at YOU so you will back down. meh

Just remember to not listen to ANYTHING he says the next few days or weeks except this: "I am coming home to you. I am writing a no contact letter; here it is. Here are my passwords."

Nothing else is worth hearing.


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## wilted_flower

The problem is, he's begging to be made out the victim here. I don't want to be the one to make his decision for him. He's made his own choices and he should suffer the consequences of it. He is pushing my buttons to try and see me snap, I can tell. He wants me to explode and kick him out so that he'll look a little better through all of this. Although, now that the cat is out of the bag, his family supports me in whatever I am going to do 100%. Which makes him madder than hell. 

I told him the boundaries. I said, if he wants to make it work, he knows what he needs to do and how it's going to work. Take it or leave it. I won't bend on my principles. I respect myself too much. 

He then flailed his hands around, gesturing wildly and said that "NO WOMAN is going to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with." and that "NO WOMAN is going to come between him and his work." Apparently that is something he told himself a long time ago (Why? He had a relatively normal upbringing), and will not, under any circumstances, bend that boundary. Apparently not even for his wife. (I had asked him if, since they work in such close proximity, if he could have his desk moved or move cubicles until this particular project is over, and then he can work on a project that doesn't involve the OW) He is trying to make me out to be controlling and hateful, when he's the one being stubborn and incredibly hurtful. He wants to play mind games, but I won't do it, and that is making him very frustrated. 

It's just... some of the things he says are so hurtful. I want it to end, and I want it to end right now. I can't handle this pain any longer. He needs to figure out what he wants to do and commit. I told him there's a 50/50 shot at best of things working out anyway, given the circumstance... so it's not like I'm waiting around trying to tie him up again. At this point, I hope he chooses to leave. 

At least then I can start moving on, and eventually find somebody who respects me as a person, and values the unique qualities I have to offer. I'm 27; it can't be that difficult... I hope. 

Either way, I know I'd rather be alone than feeling this pain right now.



"I'm not who really I said I was- or who I thought I'd be." - Ani Difranco


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## Dontknowhow2love

I agree with Turnera have you checked to see if he is cheating usually one of the first signs of cheating is changes in behavior more concerned about looks, changes in attitude and his normal patterns change.


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## Wisp

Wilted Flower:

At the end of the day even if you can’t find hard evidence you know in your heart what he is up to. 

Ask a few questions to yourself:-

Do you think his current behaviour and disrespect of you is really going to change? Please do not think emotionally when you answer this. 

Are you prepared to fight this all the way to save your marriage?

Do you have the stomach to put up with his insults and behaviours?

If the answer to the last two is yes. You are in for a tough time and you had best get yourself prepared body mind and soul.

Look after yourself in every way possible, see this as an opportunity that no matter what happens you must come out a better person. 

Start saving, get fit whatever you think needs to be done must be done. Prepare yourself, laugh with friends and get ready to move on in life. 

Get out of the ..

“ can't eat, I can't sleep... I just feel nauseous, deflated, numb, bitter, sad, lost, hopeless..... How much longer can I go on like this???” ………..state




Nothing more disconcerting to the cheater than him noticing changes for the better in you and the weaknesses disappearing.

Don’t show him any pity, keep strong, always say you love him, tell him *he knows he is committing adultery and cheating you will forgive him and will work on the marriage*. So what if he gets angry, do not bite, just smile back.

These comments will cause anx when he feeds it back to his ‘Juliet’. Remember she left her long-term relationship, what is she now doing now - hanging on a flagpole somewhere waiting for him to rescue her.

Do not stress about the OW , look at is this way if he should leave for her then the clock on their relationship starts ticking, its fun at the moment but when the bubble bursts and reality sets in, she will be hurting a lot more than you. 

You mentioned in one of your posts that you have a list of his calls; well as they are excessive call his Boss and HR team, tell them he is having an affair with his co-worker and this is affecting your marriage.

Make it clear to the Boss if he/she does not understand what an EA is you will send them a link that explains it to them. Do not bluster be firm and direct, you are telling them and you expect them to take action within the office. 

You do not have to provide detail evidence, you have the calls list and mention he goes to her home. The company may do nothing but conversations on the floor or the boss looking at them does wonders.

Prepare a script and just do it, often betrayed spouses try to behave in a way that is dignified, your husband is cheating on you. Do not pull any punches. Use some of the words from one of your posts..

“Oh, and the clicker- she just got out of a long term relationship a few weeks ago. AND, the same things my husband is telling me as to why he is leaving me? There the exact same things she said to her ex boyfriend.”


Best wishes


PS: I do love this part..

"NO WOMAN is going to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with." and that "NO WOMAN is going to come between him and his work." 

Sounds a tad guilty..


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## turnera

And also sexist. My husband is like that. As much as he loves me, he will NEVER be able to believe that I have as much brains, logic, or common sense as him. Because I'm a woman. Very frustrating, if you found one of _those _guys.

I agree with Wisp. He has told you his choice. Now is the time to visit HR with the phone list. I assume at least half of these calls are during work hours?


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## Therealbrighteyes

You aren't "NO WOMAN". You are his WIFE. The one he probably stood before God, family and friends pledging to LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH till death do you two part. 
He isn't doing any of that continuing a relationship that hurts you and your marriage. Even if by some small chance this hasn't turned into a physical affair, carrying on a relationship with somebody that makes you uncomfortable and questioning your marriage is NOT loving, honoring or cherishing you. 
You have every right to out this behavior to those that were there when he made that pledge. It isn't being vindictive in any way. You are trying to hold on to your marriage and need their help. Simply put, when somebody outside the marriage tells him "what the hell are you doing" it has meat. It blows wide open this fantasy "relationship" and forces him to confront what he doesn't want to confront. Right now he can "rationalize" his behavior to ridiculous levels by saying to himself that you are the bad guy in all of this. Just insecure, untrusting, ad naseum. The reality is he is lying, manipulating you, hiding his phone, berating you, hurting you, abusing you and all the other **** he is doing. He does not want somebody outside the marriage to see him for what he really is but he needs it!
As for him being a victim....aren't they all? I mean how could somebody hurt, lie, manipulate, cheat on and abuse a person who was a wonderful human being, loving, caring about their marriage and trying to hold on to it with both hands? They can't so instead you become the enemy, the bad guy, the person who doesn't love them, never understood them, never cared about them, a shrew, a nag, a *****, etc., etc. But hey, the other person "gets" them. You know, the person who has known them for only a short period of time. It's all bull**** and total fantasy. 
As for him saying that this is just a crush, he needs a 2 x 4 "crushed" across his head. Only 12 year olds have crushes. This isn't a crush. 900 text messages isn't a crush. Hurting you, his wife, isn't a crush. Lying to you isn't a crush. Manipulating you isn't a crush. 
Stand your ground, my dear. Stand your ground! If he is unwilling to meet your requests/needs then let him know what the results will be. 
Lastly, one of the best quotes I ever read about infidelity.....
"The grass isn't greener on the other side..it's Astro Turf". (i.e. fake). 
I hope he pulls his head out of his butt and recognizes this.


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## wilted_flower

Thanks for the astro turf quote. I really needed a smile today. 

I had been handling all of this with a fair amount of dignity until I found out today that the two of them had kissed on three separate occasions. The thought of the two of them getting passionate... well it makes me feel violently emotional in a way I've never felt before. 

She was my friend. She was my bridesmaid. I confided in her when H and I were having problems. I thought she cared for me... but her alliances were clearly with my husband since it didn't occur to her that she might want to tell me that he was making advances. 

I hacked into his computer. There really wasn't any incriminating evidence. Just a facebook message to his father which neglected to tell the whole story. And a journal entry from August 4, where he was relieved when he returned home from travel that he "didn't waver" and believes that it's the best for things to end. How he was home but wished he hadn't returned and his heart "sinks" every time he thinks of "her." How he just wants to be with her again. 

I hate the way he blames the inadequacies of our relationship for pushing him to another woman. He doesn't take any responsibility, unless I ask him to and he's sarcastically complying. 

My soul has withered. Wilted. I feel like I will never be the same. I want to die, this pain is too much to bear. I know, logically, that this is not my fault.... but I just wonder if I was a better person, more whole or more...something... maybe this could have worked out. 

I guess I was just foolish to think that after everything I've ever been through, that I had finally risen up and become truly successful. Now I realize that ever trying to measure my success by something ever than my own self respect and self worth is just a catalyst for immense pain. 

I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't know how I am ever going to get over it. I want to curl up into myself and melt into a tiny ball of light, imploding until I am simply matter, absolved back into the universe. 

And even though he says "that's all it is" I just can't bring myself to believe him, because all the other times he said that same thing, he lied. He wants her, not me. He doesn't love me, and hasn't for a long time. 

There are so many hurtful and awful things I want to do right now that would hurt him the way that I have been hurt, but honestly, I just don't have the energy. 

And I need to be able to sleep at night, knowing that I made the best choices that I could. I don't know how he does. 

And I definitely don't know how SHE does. 

The essence of who you are is made up of how you react to tough times. I'm trying to be somebody I can be proud of.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Wilted...
You ARE somebody you should be proud of. You kept your vows and didn't waver. Hold your head up high.
Those two on the other hand have nothing to be proud of. He strayed and she poached. Disgusting.
GIANT hugs to you Wilted. You will get through this, you just don't see the light at the end yet, but you will. It is bright and burning and when you get to that point you will walk towards it, in fact probably run.


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## turnera

Have you told HER parents?


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## Therealbrighteyes

GREAT point Turnera! Talk about blowing the lid off of this "relationship" fast and furious. She was a bridesmaid at you wedding and now is cavorting around with your husband. Her Mom and Dad would be so proud.


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## wilted_flower

I really wish I could tell her parents. They live across the country and I have no way to contact them. 

Unless... they are still on our wedding invitation address list. However, as much as it would give me satisfaction to out her to them, I would feel pretty shady doing such a thing. 

I did talk with his mother today. Not only did her ex husband (H's father) do the exact same thing to her as he is doing to me, he waited 10 years and 3 children later. So she is pretty upset with H. 

On the other hand, she also sees it as a deep friendship. Something that accidentally evolved and maybe H sees the OW as a littler sister more than a lover. Basically, that I need to accept their friendship. And, she told me that there's nothing I can do about the fact that they work in such close proximity. I can't jeopardize his work situation. 

It just seems like my whole family (and his) is telling me to understand that he's struggling, and to give it time so he can work through his issues. What about the part that I don't know if I can even forgive him?? I know I've handled this whole thing fairly dignified, but even I have a breaking point. 

He's still talking to her (today for almost an hour. Was it work related? Maybe, but who knows). He's still saying incredibly hurtful things to me. If this is how he handles struggling, then I'm not sure this is what I want to sign up for. 

How long do I have to put up with this while he "figures out" his issues and decides if he even wants to try and make things work? How much longer do I have to be understanding and sympathetic and put up my force field bubble defense against verbal and emotional abuse?? 

I wish I could move out tomorrow. Granted, I did just find all this out a few days ago so I KNOW I am feeling very rash and impulsive right now. Apparently it's normal to feel like I am never going to forgive him. 

I asked him yesterday what he would do if the situation was reversed. He said he would kick me out on me a** so fast I wouldn't even know what to do with myself. Why is it everyone is expecting me to be so understanding when HE wouldn't even give me the light of day if things were reversed??

I just feel like I want to walk away, but that rational people are telling me that I'm hurting and it's all so new and I should give it time before I do anything permanent. I just want to be able to start moving on, and putting myself back together. Every day I spend here, confined to the bedroom I feel like a little less of a person. 

While he works out to his DVD's, perfecting himself for a life beyond me.


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## turnera

You're trying to save your marriage. Isn't it worth $100 to find her parents' name and phone number, when it could stop this dead in its tracks?

Don't confuse exposure with revenge. Exposure is telling the people your husband and she care about, so they can let them know they are disappointed in them. If his mother won't talk to him, tell his best friends. Tell them you're trying to save your marriage, but he's too invested in another woman, and you need that to stop so you and he can address whatever brought him to that point. A favorite uncle, a pastor...someone. And tell her parents today!


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## BlueEyedBeauty

IamNotHere said:


> Just how much do you weigh? How much were you when you guys met?
> 
> I know some people hate to hear it, but a woman gaining a good amount of weight takes a huge toll on the guy's attraction, which takes a big toll on the relationship.


You are one rude ass person- you are always bashing on people- and now you are bashing on her- you know what you have no clue on what love even is and you need to look in a mirror before you even think of calling someone fat- over weight and ugly- your way of acting is very ugly and this makes an ugly person... 

Before you even think of calling me fat- when I met my loved one I was 120 5'2 and now I am 92 pounds. I lost it because I wanted to lose it I was not fat and I am far from being fat- I know something that is on you though "YOUR MOUTH" You, really need to start loving yourself before you can love anyone else- this crap of bashing on people it needs to stop... You even think that a mother is in the wrong if they have the fourskin removed from their son- well, if not done it can and will cause infections- people who have a son will know this and know also that it does not cause the baby any pain like you say it does.... Also it does not make love making any better- Little do you know...


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## BlueEyedBeauty

I can see that you are a lot like I am 
I also get hurt easy from my husband, I love him so damn much that I know what you are saying. My love that I hold within my heart and my soul it is so hard to even let people how strong it is- it is not even able for them to know-it just very deep and strong put it that way. I know also you feel the same for your husband


It is not right what he is even doing to you,
I know myself you are far from being over weight... You, feel that you have to change everything and anything about yourself just where you would be able to make your husband happy. You, would do everything and anything to keep him from leaving you, you would go to the part of not even eating just to keep your husband. My husband never said about not being in love with me; but, when things changed after all our years of being married- I felt that he was not really in love with me all that much so I did what I could just to get him back the way he was before- I was changing everything and anything about myself and the last thing I did was lose even more weight when for one I never was over weight or to the point of needed to lose any. I was 120 when I met him, I then had braing surgery done and could not eat for six months I dropped even more weight and after four years of healing I put on weight back up to 135 then- then things really changed still he never said anything so now here I am 92 pounds and I myself I feel damn good about myself- the thing is it was all in my head. He was always and has always been in love with me​

With you- your husband sounds like he is
Just being an ass to you... If you really want to keep him then sit him down and ask him what it is that you have to change about yourself for him to feel the love he did for you when you two met each other. I do have to tell you this thoughif he was really in love with you- true love would not ever die- they would love you for who and what you are. Looks do not matter- so give that some thought and also as I have told others "Love is something so precious- so hold on to it like a treasure that it is"​


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## turnera

huh?


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## wilted_flower

Thank you everyone who has been on this thread to offer advice and kind words and support. I do not know any of you, but you were my friends through all of this and I thank you. 

I moved out over Labor Day weekend (he refused to leave). The evening progressed into violence and I knew when he threw me against the wall that I was making the right decision. I have been in my apartment for almost 6 weeks now and I feel liberated, open, and have a sense of possibility like I didn't know I could have before. 

We are in the process of getting a divorce, which due to his stubborn and unreasonable nature has become a bit messy but I told my lawyer his biggest job was to end this as quickly as possible. I just want this to be over so I can move on with my life. 

As I rediscover myself, it frightens me how easily I was willing to give myself up. I was losing myself in my marriage and now am able to see so much beauty in myself that I wasn't able to see before. I was afraid of the unknown, but now that I am here, I embrace it and am thankful for this horrible mess if for nothing else, that I can rediscover what it is about myself that I value and hold dear. 

I feel as if I am listening to my instinct for the first time in years, and it's telling me that I am doing the right thing. I am wiser and know a lot more about love and what it means to be myself and stay true to myself, but I am thankful for these lessons every day. 

So thank you to those of you who helped me get through this awful time. I am not completely out of the woods yet, but this week was the first week I really felt myself returning from the rabbit hole. And the weather is beautiful, if a little surreal. 

I am still doing a lot of processing and reflecting, but it's in a good way as I rediscover myself and what I want to get from this life. Thank you for your helping me get to this point, even though a small part, still essential in this healing process.


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## turnera

I am SO glad for you! And if you are feeling those feelings, I KNOW you're doing the right thing. Best of luck. You deserve it.


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## robinhood

I know this is an old thread but I ran across it and thought I'd respond regardless.

He's a chump, sweetie, and the problem lies with him and not with you. What he said is terribly hurtful, but you miss the point that it was intended to hurt. He chose what he said as a way of attacking you, blaming you for his lack of feelings.

My advice to you is to run, not walk, away from that relationship. It's done, and you are wasting precious time that you could be spending with someone worthwhile by staying with the jerk even one more day. Free yourself, take a couple months to get your head together, and then start dating again.

We all need someone. I've been married since 1975 (to the same woman) and if she died tomorrow I'd grieve, but I would eventually get back out into the real world and look for someone that I hope would make me even half as happy as my wife does now. I know I need someone else to share my life with, and I assume you're the same way.

Don't allow him to do this to you. Dump his sorry ass. and remember this.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." - Eleanor Roosevelt

She hit the nail right on the head. If you want to give him permission to abuse you, that's your business. I think you should tell him to go to hell and start your own life again without him.


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