# Please help me make sense of my story (long)



## lweiss (Feb 24, 2013)

I would appreciate any help as I am emotionally and mentally incapacitated by my current situation and do not know whether or not this is worth a reconciliation.

I met my husband 5.5 years ago in July 2007. We have been married for 4 years. I caught some petty lies that he told throughout the marriage. Also, he confessed to me about 5 months into our dating that his ex-wife texted him and he responded to her but cut it off after one week. Otherwise, I thought everything was great until after we married and had twins, and then I became extremely resentful of him because I felt neglected (we both work full time, he slept 7 hrs a night and I slept 2 at best). I was really beotchy/snappy, blamed him for poor housework and missing twins meds, and we fought all the time, I threatened divorce multiple times during the first year post partum. 

In early Dec 2012 I received a message from his female friend that he had been inappropriately texting her. I confronted him and was extremely harsh. This led him to leave home for 5 days but he came back and wanted a divorce. He said he never loved me cuz I was a drag. He convinced me that my bad attitude after the kids were born and general depressive behavior was what drove him away. He said I was emotionally abusive and bullying him after the kids were born. I promised to see a shrink and get on meds, so then we decided to reconcile. Things were great for the next month, though there was a lot of trickle truthing, and I was still angry from time to time. This was the most civil we had been to each other. I went to see a shrink and he did not think I had depression, but recommended therapy. Husband was angry I didn't start taking meds.

Then in Feb 2012 I fortuitously discovered that in addition to inappropriate sexts and emails, he had actually been having an affair with his ex-wife (who cheated on him) pretty much spanning the entirety of our relationship. Then came the trickle truthing. He basically lied to me about everything and said that he never intended to tell me the truth. He REFUSED to take polygraph. When we met, he said last time he contacted his ex was 1.5 yrs prior - turned out he slept with her 4 months prior. His confession of her texting him in Dec 2007 (5 months after we dated) was bogus; actually it was initiated by him, and he told her he loved her. He then texted her multiple times over the years including after we got engaged. They shared an email account so they could communicate without being caught. After I started going to infertility treatments and had a miscarriage I was not the most romantic and that was when he started meeting up with her - at that time I got cancer causing HPV and he denied responsibility. After getting caught in these lies he now changed his story and said I was stressing him out by my depressive attitude and bullying him for not being active participant in the fertility treatment process - which prompted him to escalated the affair to physical. They did everything except intercourse apparently (his story), 5 times total during the last 3 years starting about 8 months after we got married. 

More truth trickling - finding out that he has lied about multiple women saying they were platonic friends when they had been lovers, so it would be convenient for him to stay friends with them without my 'jealousy' getting in the way. 

Three weeks ago, found out that when he left for the 5 days after I found out about him sexting some other woman, just before we decided to reconcile, he had actually gotten together with his ex AGAIN and they did get naked together (by his story, no happy ending this time but whatever). When we were at marriage counseling in January, he lied and said that all he did was kiss her on the mouth goodbye.

Now his story is that I was condescending, controlling, and micromanaging from day 1 when we met and that is why he had felt unhappy throughout all of our relationship. I am seriously floored by that statement. I mean I was semi stressed out during wedding planning but not even close to being a bridezilla. He was the one who wanted the wedding, not me! It's almost like he can't tolerate even a little bit of imperfection from me or something... and can't handle normal fights that couples have. 

He tells me that his therapist said that he only cheated because he was a very nuturing person who had suffered from childhood abuse from his mom, and seeks out damsels in distress (his ex was molested, and she is a serial cheater; other woman he texted was an old flame and he says is "bipolar" ). I just don't buy this story at all because it seems that he didn't really feel for these women but used them. He also has his counselor convinced that I am a "bully" because I mention that I want to divorce him on a daily basis. That is only because he calls me a bully/abuser on a daily basis and I am still finding out lies from the past... daily.

He now says he loves me and never loved his ex ever since she cheated on him. But he is constantly telling me that I should sleep with other guys, and is trying to sext me all the time even though I told him to respect me. He also said hurtful things like how he wanted to "ruin me" i.e. that I would "die in a car accident" but later on he backtracked and said that all he said was that he " wanted this to all go away". 

Some days he is very apologetic, reading the bible, and trying harder in bed (previously he was very selfish in bed). He is always good with kids. But he always threatens me by writing down things I say in a log book to use against me later. Other days he is hell bent on making me feel like my negative, condescending behavior was the root cause of all his unhappiness which caused him to cheat (and "nurture" these other women... but of course never me...) 

He says it is important that I correct my attitudes NOW to save the marriage even though the affair and lies are really fresh - latest lies came out even just a day ago, and then 3 weeks ago. Everytime I find out a lie it's like everything resets for me... I hate him and have all these flashbacks.

Is this even normal? I really don't want to be with somebody who might be mentally unstable and manipulative. Is this hopeful? He has cut contact with his ex and OW but I am still very much concerned that he is just some sort of psycho who can lie with a straight face - he used to say he hated his ex all the time and wanted nothing to do with her - also told me every day that he felt like the luckiest husband in the world (not).

A bit of background if you got this far: I am very educated with two professional degrees and he is also educated with a masters, but less so than me. He makes more money than me now (good money) but in 2 years I will make about 3x as much as he does. My family thought he was after my money and I never believed them. After I found out about the texting I did tell him that I married down for him and got burned. In truth I don't care about education/money and all that but I guess this might be why he thinks I "talked down to him from day 1" and made him unhappy the entire relationship... but it still doesn't make sense because I only said that after I found out he was cheating on me. And why did he propose marriage and have kids with a person who was apparently so horrible to him? I don't get it.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

So,in one line: he cheated on you several times and he told you that you too should sleep with other guys. Sounds like he wants an open marriage, not a serious commitment. 
Not ony did he lie to you from the begining regarding his ex-wife, but his multiple affairs and pursuits of other women by "sexting" (in lack of evidence we don't call them PAs) add to the gravity of situation. Seems like he never got over his cheater ex. And I don't believe he's done with her now..They seem to deserve each other. 
If it's worth saving or no, only you can tell. I may tell you that NO, drop the cheater and focus on your babies and on the future. But it's only you who knows what's in your heart.
At the very least, have your depression treated in IC. Do focus on your children not on him. And if you decide to give it one more chance, draw some serious boundaries. Let him know that one more wrong step, and he's out.


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## lweiss (Feb 24, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> So,in one line: he cheated on you several times and he told you that you too should sleep with other guys. Sounds like he wants an open marriage, not a serious commitment.


He has sexual fantasies of me in a threesome and doing it with another man for some reason, but he says it is just fantasy. If I start talking with a guy he gets super jealous. He says he has no desire to be with another woman sexually. I don't know what to believe, it is all so bizarre. He is like a total stranger to me right now and I would not be surprised if he is having some major psych issues. He was such and upstanding guy (so we all thought) and was loved by everyone (including my family) and now I think his ego is shattered because he knows all my friends and family hate him.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I misunderstood about the 3 some, but his multiple misbehavings are still a major red flag about what kind of guy he is. You have a lot to put in balance. Maybe with intense counseling, together and individual, things would improve. I wish it to you since you have babies together.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If what you say is accurate your husband sounds like a narcissist, a manipulative liar, emotionally immature, and most likely a serial cheater who blames you for EVERYTHING deviant that HE does.



> And why did he propose marriage and have kids with a person who was apparently so horrible to him? I don't get it.


Probably because he thought he could do whatever he wanted and you'd either accept it or stick around anyway.

You might want to consider divorce before your income DOES surpass his because it does not sound like this guy cares about your well being in the slightest. Only his own. I really doubt someone like that is going to change for the better anytime soon if ever.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jasel said:


> *If what you say is accurate your husband sounds like a narcissist, a manipulative liar, emotionally immature, and most likely a serial cheater who blames you for EVERYTHING deviant that HE does.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Time to move him out of your life. You deserve something in your life that he can never be. a real man. So sorry he has wasted several years of your life.

What's that I see ahead of you? Oh! *Freedom!* :smthumbup:


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Time to move him out of your life. You deserve something in your life that he can never be. a real man. So sorry he has wasted several years of your life.
> 
> What's that I see ahead of you? Oh! *Freedom!* :smthumbup:


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

RUN for the Hills! RUN Quickly! There is nothing to salvage in this marriage. It is actually embarrassing to refer to what you have as a M. It sounds as if you will be perfectly fine without him. This man should NOT be married to anyone. No one should treat anyone the way he is treating you. So sorry!


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## lweiss (Feb 24, 2013)

Ouch.... no positive responses... I guess my dreams of having a happy and complete nuclear family is crushed. Heading in for individual therapy this Thursday. Told him we must do a trial of separation starting next week when I can arrange for childcare. 

Really... I have tried everything to make him understand what I am going through and what I need from him to heal but I guess he mostly think of himself (defenses). He says he has tried to do everything correctly (stopped seeing OWs, counseling, telling the truth since 2.5 weeks ago though he had many ops to come clean months ago). On the surface it does seem like he did all he could. But the trickle truthing and his focus on my personality problems really hurt our chances. 

I am sure he expects me to just forget about the past and never mention it again... but unfortunately this isn't how it works. Thanks guys.


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## Manejadora (Feb 18, 2013)

lweiss said:


> Ouch.... no positive responses... I guess my dreams of having a happy and complete nuclear family is crushed. Heading in for individual therapy this Thursday. Told him we must do a trial of separation starting next week when I can arrange for childcare.
> 
> Really... I have tried everything to make him understand what I am going through and what I need from him to heal but I guess he mostly think of himself (defenses). He says he has tried to do everything correctly (stopped seeing OWs, counseling, telling the truth since 2.5 weeks ago though he had many ops to come clean months ago). On the surface it does seem like he did all he could. But the trickle truthing and his focus on my personality problems really hurt our chances.
> 
> I am sure he expects me to just forget about the past and never mention it again... but unfortunately this isn't how it works. Thanks guys.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Manejadora (Feb 18, 2013)

As a man who has been cheated on, my advice to you is to divorce as soon as possible. These people that cheat do not have epiphanies. Save yourself and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's telling you he has no interest in being with another woman, yet he's having real sex and sexing with other women.

How stupid does he think you are that you can't see through his double talk.

Time to send this cheating liar back to the junkyard and for you to upgrade.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lweiss said:


> I confronted him
> he came back and wanted a divorce
> I was a drag
> my bad attitude
> ...


You married AN ABUSIVE MAN.

Get out now.

And read this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

everyone here WANTS you to have a happy marriage, but we have all been there done that. your husband is a liar and a cheater if you can live with him constantly cheating and lying possibly giving you std's then yeah you can have a happy marriage, if you cant live with that then you have to D run like he## and find a man that DESERVES your love and will love you back like YOU deserve.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Is this guy who holds himself out to be a H., and father, the person you want as a father figure, role model for your kids

Better thery grow up without him, you need to put on your big girl, mature woman, self-respecting, hat---and move on with your life.

You stay with this guy, you are looking at a life of misery, you know it, I know it, and EVERYONE YOU TALK TO ABOUT YOUR SO CALLED H., KNOWS IT


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## lweiss (Feb 24, 2013)

Arrgh. I know this sounds crazy and made-up but out of intuition I just peed on a stick and found out I am effing pregnant. I just feel a little more nauseous than the daily "pit in the stomach" from having been cheated on. We had been trying to get pregnant for some time before the REAL infidelity stuff (affair with his ex-wife) hit the fan. We had been dealing with so much infertility issues before that I feel like this must be a sick joke. 

He said it would be wrong to bring a child into a broken marriage but that it was up to me. That much is true. But I hate having to be the one who is burdened with the guilt of an abortion. Gonna have to think about it. I have always wanted 3 kids and can support them no problem but I guess this would make me undateable for the next 18 years (not that I care right now).


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

You married a guy after 1.5years of dating. IMO thats too soon.

Then you had twins. Now even one baby can put a strain on a relationship but twins = double the trouble (or should i say really strains a relationship). Ofcourse with lack of sleep and not having time to put yourself first coupled with a husband who doesnt pull his weight around the house, leaves you feeling resentment, bitterness and anger towards him. He certainly was not coming home to enjoy any passionate evenings with his wife. I am not saying he tried to romance you...
So he went elsewhere to get his needs met, physical and emotional.

Now you pregnant again, so that is going to add even more trouble to the mix, which means less love between you for atleast a few years.

I cant see this situation getting better. I would not have another child with him.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lweiss said:


> Arrgh. I know this sounds crazy and made-up but out of intuition I just peed on a stick and found out I am effing pregnant. I just feel a little more nauseous than the daily "pit in the stomach" from having been cheated on. We had been trying to get pregnant for some time before the REAL infidelity stuff (affair with his ex-wife) hit the fan. We had been dealing with so much infertility issues before that I feel like this must be a sick joke.
> 
> He said it would be wrong to bring a child into a broken marriage but that it was up to me. That much is true. But I hate having to be the one who is burdened with the guilt of an abortion. Gonna have to think about it. I have always wanted 3 kids and can support them no problem but I guess this would make me undateable for the next 18 years (not that I care right now).


Uuurgh.... this is just terrible 

Okay I can give you some good advice and for once I know 100% this is good advice 

My stbxw is a mirror image of your husband. He has serious personality disorders or accurately a mixture of Borderline/BiPolar /Narciss etc .

Please read up on these and be sitting down because you will be in for a shock - a big one.

Sadly you will realize that the biggest problem with these people is that they will not change - ever. 
They can take meds have counselling 4 times a week but reality is - they don't change 

This will also direct you in how to deal with him. 

Just briefly 
They are fundamentally abusive in nature but absolutely brilliant at either part concealing it or putting their whole personality under a veil of being a 'victim'. Their whole lives are perceived as 'victims' . 
Through childhood problems they are subconsciously terrified of being abandoned and all that engenders. 
They accuse you of almost anything big or small and within a day you find out they are actually doing just that! 

This is the tip of the iceberg read up yourself and get it first hand not from me and other 'real' victims.
You really will not believe what you discover about a person like this and that's because they are right under 
your nose and you love them - two prerequisites for a lifetime of emotional destruction if ever there were any

I've been where you are and once you make the right choices FOR YOU - there is a path out of there

It's terrible about being pregnant (what a sad thing to say) and only you can wrestle with the torture of that but if you want a 'clean' life ahead without this person tied endlessly in with you then that decision rests with yuo

Very very good luck on it all (because you will need it) :smthumbup:


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> He's telling you he has no interest in being with another woman, yet he's having real sex and sexing with other women.
> 
> How stupid does he think you are that you can't see through his double talk.
> 
> Time to send this cheating liar back to the junkyard and for you to upgrade.


I like that. He sounds pretty much like my ex. Believe me less than a year from now you will be back to square one. He is so narcisstic. Yo headed for years of pain and mental trauma. I am still recovering from mine. It does not matter how educated he may be he is simply not husband material and you were the unfortunate one that never got away. I would not be surprised if his ex dumped him for cheating on her and not the other way round. Sorry maam. Cut your loses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A child doesn't make you undateable. Not going to therapy to figure out why you pick abusive men might not make for a great life, however.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Headspin is right. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

Get out - for your kids' sakes, at least, so THEY don't grow up as abused as you.


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