# Trapped. I want it to work but losing hope



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

Hi everyone. I'm a 32YOF. Husband is 34. We have a 2.5 DD. Been married for almost 10 years.

Let me start by saying I really love my husband, and I want things to work. Just not sure what else to do. I am pretty sure my husband is no longer in love with me, but is very comfortable and maybe even happy in the relationship. But things have changed so much in the way he treats me, the way we talk or do things.
It's been slowly but steadily downhill since sometime in 2013. 
No kissing (just pecks, but haven't made out or anything like that in years). No I love yous. No more sweet little gestures like holding hands, sitting together (he used to put his arm behind my chair ALWAYS at a restaurant, now he never does it), doesn't look at me. Doesn't compliment me or say any positive things about anything I do. There is a lot of criticism. He doesn't look at me. No birthday presents (or anniversary, or any). He is only super sweet when he wants sex (which is awesome and frequent, he takes good care of me and makes sure I have as much fun as he does).
Very friendly, we laugh together and spend time at home having a good time. We get along great. I just miss the romance so much. It is a huge need that used to be fulfilled and is not anymore.
We talked it over a million times and he gets mad because he feels accused. I don't mean to blame him for anything, I just try to voice my needs in the marriage and usually I am so sad that end up breaking up and crying. It sucks.
He is a good (great) dad and we never fight, but sometimes he says smart assey/passive agressive things, or acts slightly like a jerk, or dismissses any thought or feelings I have about anything (not only marriage) without a second thought. I don't think he does this to hurt me, but he does.

To make things worse, because of his job we moved to Hong Kong a few months ago. Things are better for him here (hated his job back in the US and here he has a great gig), but worse for me (I left a job/life/friends that I LOVED and miss). So the lack of emotional support and romance has become impossible for me to shrug off or ignore. I'm sad and miserable and I watch airplanes from my apartment window wishing to be on them, going away. I never felt so alone. 

I have lied to myself thinking that I could turn things around just by being better in any way: I am not jealous (which I used to be years ago) AT ALL, he is free to do anything he wants for as long as he wants with whomever he wants, I don't ask what he spends his money on, don't look at phone or computer, I work on myself to look great and stay attractive, I am very enthusiastic in bed, cheerful to see him, I don't pursue him, I cook, keep the house, I mean... You get it. I try very hard. But it's not working out. He seems 100% oblivious or indifferent.

What keeps me in the marriage?

1- I love him and want the marriage to work, and I'll try everything.
2- We have a 2 year old daughter. If we split, that means I have to go back to the USA (where I can go back to my good job, here I'm not even a legal resident yet and, even then, I'm not sure what I would do), which means taking our girl all the way across the globe and separate her from her dad. I can't do that. Her happiness comes before mine.

So here I am, trapped. Homesick and sad, since I have no one to talk to. If you made it through this long post and are still here, please help me... Don't suggest counseling because there is NO WAY IN HELL he'll go.

Thanks again...


----------



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Hmmm. At first glance it seems that everything is great; sex, parenthood, getting along. Only affection is missing. But could you clarify something for me? You say in your OP both that you get along great and are friendly and have fun together, but also that he doesn't ever say anything positive to you and only criticizes you? That can't possibly equal fun times together. Is this a daily occurrence?

If it were just the affection missing, and everything else were great, I'd say try initiating those things. And gage how he reacts. Tell HIM "I love you," grab HIS hand while walking in public, make HIS birthday special. Not so much that you need to be the one initiating it all the time now, but more to see if he welcomes such gestures from you and therefore encourages him to reciprocate more in the future, or if he seems reluctant and it needs to be dealt with further. So not just talking about it, but putting it into action and doing your part.

But as far as the way he speaks to you, that concerns me. Especially with you living alone in a foreign country, that leaves your husband as the only source of affirmation for you. When that person speaks negatively of you and to you it can really destroy you. I would start out with trying to find your niche there. You've only been there a few months, so perhaps you just haven't fully settled there yet. I would get out and explore some! Maybe just locally around your apartment building until you get more comfortable with navigating the area. And then venture out more. Living in Hong Kong should be an adventure for you! Are there other American wives there that have husbands that work with yours? Or some sort of American group/English speaking group that you could get involved in and find friends? I'm assuming you'd be living there for a while, so this is a MUST. You need friends for yourself and a life outside of your husband and his criticism.

Which would you say is the issue that is having you question your marriage more; the lack of affection, or the criticism? The former could possibly be an easy fix, the latter though might ultimately need marriage counseling.


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

*Hmmm. At first glance it seems that everything is great; sex, parenthood, getting along. Only affection is missing. But could you clarify something for me? You say in your OP both that you get along great and are friendly and have fun together, but also that he doesn't ever say anything positive to you and only criticizes you? That can't possibly equal fun times together. Is this a daily occurrence?*

Well he just complains a lot. All the time, about different things big and small. The criticism intertwines with that, mostly in small doses that tell me I don't do a good job either with my daughter, or around the house, for example. But I wouldn't say it's a main factor. The problem is that there is NO positive comments or remarks or compliments at all.. And there used to be there. I haven't heard an honest, spontaneous "nice" or positive thing from him about me in a very, very long time. 

*If it were just the affection missing, and everything else were great, I'd say try initiating those things. And gage how he reacts. Tell HIM "I love you," grab HIS hand while walking in public, make HIS birthday special. Not so much that you need to be the one initiating it all the time now, but more to see if he welcomes such gestures from you and therefore encourages him to reciprocate more in the future, or if he seems reluctant and it needs to be dealt with further. So not just talking about it, but putting it into action and doing your part.*

I do! I do all these things. But it is painful to try to hold hands and having to let go because he won't get his hand out of his pocket or doesn't want to walk at the same pace (he walks faster, he is much taller) over and over. I do say "I love you" still but it sucks that, after such a long time, he won't. He'll say "I love you too" but it's just awkward. I try to kiss him and if it's more than just a few pecks he acts uncomfortable, or does something silly to stop me, and I end up hurt. If I break down and get sad he tells me that "it's all in my head" and that he "has no problem" with the way things are going. I try to do all these things with great care to avoid being pushy (maybe I'll try to kiss him once a month?). I get no response.
*
But as far as the way he speaks to you, that concerns me. Especially with you living alone in a foreign country, that leaves your husband as the only source of affirmation for you. *

I don't think he understands the need for affirmation. He doesn't get it. 

*Which would you say is the issue that is having you question your marriage more; the lack of affection, or the criticism? The former could possibly be an easy fix, the latter though might ultimately need marriage counseling.*

Definitely the lack of ROMANCE and affection. The criticism is not really that bad. Like I said above, it's more the lack of positive feedback. He used to be so sweet!! So affectionate all the time! 
Now I feel like there is a greater distance between us. Like I am the one who has to initiate all the time. I really miss what we had and I don't know why we started to drift apart. I am lost. 
He can be somewhat affectionate at times, but there is absolutely NO passion left. 

We went out with another couple to watch the chinese new year fireworks tonight. The other couple held hands, kissed, smiled at each other, talked, held each other on the subway... 
All the things we used to do and are now gone. I hate that I was so sad that I couldn't enjoy the amazing fireworks show. I hated myself for being in such a unique place in the world watching such a beautiful show, and not enjoying it. I just couldn't.
On the way back, he asked me why was I acting so quiet and "weird". I didn't want to end up again crying and told him I was just tired. I played with my daughter, laughed with her and acted as normal as I could.
When we came home he was A LITTLE bit more affectionate. Came to the couch and hugged me a little, gave me a peck and went to bed (he has to get up very early).

Thanks for bearing with me... I'm just so sad.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

So in a ten year marriage, the first eight years or so were good but the last two haven't been so good, am I reading that correctly?

I think the question is what changed in the last two years. You moved to hong kong, a place where you mention you have no family, friends, or career and feel very lonely. I wonder if you're underestimating how much this is affecting the way you see your marriage. When we lose other sources of fulfillment we can place more expectation on our marriage to fill the gap and wind up disappointed. Is it possible that you're even more sensitive to criticism or lack of affection because of the way you otherwise feel?

I wonder what else also changed -- is he working harder and more stressed out? You have a two-year-old child, do you think he feels resentment about it? Did he want kids? Is he a good father? Have you been feeling down about yourself since giving birth and perhaps he's responding badly to it?


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

*So in a ten year marriage, the first eight years or so were good but the last two haven't been so good, am I reading that correctly?*

Right. I think it started around 2 years ago, but it was slow and gradual and really didn't notice much at first. I honestly cannot pinpoint exactly when things started to lose steam.

*I think the question is what changed in the last two years. You moved to hong kong, a place where you mention you have no family, friends, or career and feel very lonely. I wonder if you're underestimating how much this is affecting the way you see your marriage. When we lose other sources of fulfillment we can place more expectation on our marriage to fill the gap and wind up disappointed. Is it possible that you're even more sensitive to criticism or lack of affection because of the way you otherwise feel?*

We moved to HK just 3 months ago. This problem started way before that. But you are right: being here doesn't help the way I feel at all.

*I wonder what else also changed -- is he working harder and more stressed out? You have a two-year-old child, do you think he feels resentment about it? Did he want kids? Is he a good father? Have you been feeling down about yourself since giving birth and perhaps he's responding badly to it?*

He actually had a lot of work related stress back in the US for the past couple years, and I attributed our problems to that (or at least a big portion, since he always talked about how unhappy he was at work and how happy he was at home). Now he has a MUCH better job that he actually enjoys, with greater pay and treatment. He never stated he was unhappy with the marriage, he always said he had no desire to change anything. I am the one whose needs are not being fulfilled. I just feel like he just isn't in love with me anymore.

About our daughter: she was planned and wanted by both. He is a great dad and loves her. He is very sweet and affectionate with her.

And no, I didn't feel bad about myself after the baby. Had a great pregnancy, easy delivery, bounced back like a rubberband after having her and had no problems that I can think of...


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Ok, it just seems unusual for a marriage to be good for eight years and then suddenly not good without something precipitating the change, so I was wondering what that could be. Maybe more of *his* energy is going toward the child and he's focusing less on you? 

I hate to ask, but do you see any evidence he might be interested in someone? Or is there someone interesting to you?


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Ok, it just seems unusual for a marriage to be good for eight years and then suddenly not good without something precipitating the change, so I was wondering what that could be. Maybe more of *his* energy is going toward the child and he's focusing less on you?
> 
> I hate to ask, but do you see any evidence he might be interested in someone? Or is there someone interesting to you?


Hmmmmmmmm

Wondering the same


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

tripad said:


> Hmmmmmmmm
> 
> Wondering the same



Remember it was something gradual... The passion/affection faded slowly. First went the REAL kisses, then the "I love yous"... Then the birthday/anniversary presents, then one little gesture after the other.

I thought it was the stress/pressure at work (he had to deal with some nasty stuff). But now that all that is behind, things are far from improving.

I don't think there is "someone else" on his end (he spends all his free time at home and we just moved to a place where we don't know anyone, all the way on the other side of the world). I have no interest in anyone...

I just think that, at some point, he started getting too comfortable... Or maybe he got bored of me. I don't know. I really wish I knew what to do. I told him how I felt and what I miss very precisely several times, he says he'll "work on it", then he is super sweet for a day or two.. And we are back to square one.

I don't expect him to be all over me all the time, just want a little affection, the minimum things any normal couple has.

I just wish I knew what to do.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

A smart guy can have a woman and does the deed during lunch hours .

if you are in hong kong , your husband can be attracted by the Asian ladies , I am Asian as well .

even in my country , and without mentioning any particular country these ladies are from , they are really good at taking away other's husbands . even in my country , these ladies will hit on old men n cheat their money . They may hit on white men for a better life . so you got to watch out for that .


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I'll share something with you that a counselor once told me. Maybe this will apply, maybe it will not. When we are in the stages of love the body produces hormones and these hormones make us feel alive, wonderful. With time though those hormones stop producing themselves and eventually we are back to the way we were before we met this person we are so in love with. 

Could it be that this happened but you had your life with your career, family and friends so life was more fulfilling and you had not noticed the slow trickle of lacked affection? 

It is very common too for mom to become very preoccupied with a new baby and the care of that child. Is it possible that even more of this attention giving fell away when the baby came along and focus took a shift more towards baby than it did the marriage? Very common.

It sounds sound like your husband is comfortable with the lack of intimacy, he still gets the sex so his need are met but you are needing the sweet little things.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your husband sounds depressed. 

Depression is not sadness. It's indifference. 

I have a feeling he's got the typical mindset of a guy in his 30s who married too early. He feels unfulfilled and unready to accept that "this is it" as far as his life goals are. Most men go through this at some point. Some people call it "midlife crisis" but it's not necessarily a crisis. It can manifest itself in many different ways. Lack of affection is fairly common among mildly depressed men who are going through this.

I'm not sure there's much you can do about it right now. He is who he is and I strongly believe even HE is having trouble accepting it internally. He perhaps had many different goals for life (since childhood) that he is realizing he will never reach. Most men need a few years to accept this reality. Some of them react better to it than others. Some of them are simply horrible about it (your husband is not horrible but not great about it either).

If you don't find much wrong with the man and if there are no serious reasons to doubt his sincerity, I suggest you let him be but do draw some boundaries and enforce them as you see fit. You don't have to destroy what you have. Just 'better' it.

Also, being homesick is a major part of your problem. I'm afraid he's not going to be able to help you with that even if he becomes the most affectionate guy tomorrow. Homesickness is a guaranteed form of depression when one moves to another country. It happens to everyone universally no matter where they're from and where they're going. It's brutal and often without cure. Time is the only thing that helps.

I'm sorry you're going through this.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Whatever you do, you need to communicate with him. Your relationship has slipped into the platonic. 
Whatever his mindset, he loves you more and more like a friend. He is seeing you less and less as a romantic partner, and only he has the answers to that.

I personally believe that he has lost attraction for you. The timing seems about right for your decline. It was gradual and the highs of romantic love wear out over time. Whatever the case, dopamine is needed for sexual desire and excitement. Depression, stress, or lack of attraction, can limit the amount of dopamine needed to stop a relationship from going platonic.


----------



## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

I'm afraid he's lost respect for you. I realize you have fun times together and he's affectionate when wants sex. But does he treat you like an equal? If the tables were turned, and he was a stay at home dad... (You left for work each day to be with other professionals)


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

Borntohang said:


> I'm afraid he's lost respect for you. I realize you have fun times together and he's affectionate when wants sex. But does he treat you like an equal? If the tables were turned, and he was a stay at home dad... (You left for work each day to be with other professionals)


I don't know. Back in the US we both had professional jobs. During the last couple of months there he had a gap between jobs (let's say he didn't leave the company in the best of terms) and we did that: he stayed home and I went to work. Anyways.

He left town for work for 3 days. When he came back, he was in his own world. I was excited to see him and spend some time with him, but he'd rather play with his computer ALL the time. I couldn't hold up anymore. I broke down crying (which I hate to do, but I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I just couldn't help it). He heard me crying from the other room and ignored it.
Finally I got up and told him everything I felt. Told him everything I said here. Told him I didn't want to be one of those wives that left "after 20 years, and the husband didn't see it coming". He kept saying the same things he always says "oh come on, it's not so bad, there's nothing to cry about" bla bla bla.

That night I could tell he was trying to be nicer. He came to the kitchen while I was doing dishes and gave me a long hug. I felt extremely guilty for crying and saying I wanted to leave if things didn't improve. 

Today, we were talking about future plans (I want to leave HK at some point because the air pollution is bad and I don't want my daughter to grow up here). He said he didn't want to leave. We didn't really end up fighting but argued (in a civilized and calmed way). Things started to head south and I ended crying AGAIN. He acted very annoyed and told me he was tired of the drama.

He's back in the room with his computer. I am back to square one. I think I need a break, maybe I'll take the plane across the ocean and go visit family for a while


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

tripad said:


> A smart guy can have a woman and does the deed during lunch hours .
> 
> if you are in hong kong , your husband can be attracted by the Asian ladies , I am Asian as well .
> 
> even in my country , and without mentioning any particular country these ladies are from , they are really good at taking away other's husbands . even in my country , these ladies will hit on old men n cheat their money . They may hit on white men for a better life . so you got to watch out for that .


Not really worried about that. Since I've known him I heard him say he thinks Asians are the ugliest women out there (no offense to you, I actually see attractive Asian guys here all the time). He had endless discussions with Asian-girl-lover friends about this!
Even if he found them attractive: if he's going to leave me for a girl after his money, then joke is on him...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that things started to change about 2 years ago. Your daughter is 2.5 years old. My bet is that your pregnancy and the birth of your child is what precipitated the changes. This is very common. A lot of men do not respond well to pregnancy and having a new child. This is the most likely time for a man to cheat. I'm sure that you can find some articles about this if you do some internet searches.

He does sound like he has checked out in many ways.

Can you find a counselor there? I would suggest that you start with an individual counselor. Then after a bit you tell your husband that you are seriously unhappy and that you need for him to go to marriage counseling with you.

You have to make it very very clear to him that this is profoundly hurting the marriage. 


Here is an article that you might find interesting. You might want to share this with your husband.

Why women leave men they love – What every man needs to know


Here is a link to a book that might help you.

The Walk-Out Woman : When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You say that things started to change about 2 years ago. Your daughter is 2.5 years old. My bet is that your pregnancy and the birth of your child is what precipitated the changes. This is very common. A lot of men do not respond well to pregnancy and having a new child. This is the most likely time for a man to cheat. I'm sure that you can find some articles about this if you do some internet searches.
> 
> He does sound like he has checked out in many ways.
> 
> ...



Thanks. The article is great! Shows exactly what's going on here. 
I just downloaded the book to my Kindle.
I'm afraid if I show my husband the article, he'll roll his eyes and get pissed off.

Thanks again, can't wait to read the book.....


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

Ahh it's a Christian guide... I'll try to read past that. I don't believe in god and the book might not be the one for me. Thanks again, though.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soapie said:


> Ahh it's a Christian guide... I'll try to read past that. I don't believe in god and the book might not be the one for me. Thanks again, though.


From the review... I'd say give it a try. Like you say.. look past the religious part. I hope it helps.


Let me know what you think after you do some reading.


----------



## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

Have you fallen into a routine? That could do plenty of damage to a relationship, as a couple tends to go on auto-pilot when this occurs.

It seems like you two are friends, but that close bond that creates love is missing. Have you tried to initiate hand-holding, hugging, or cuddling? Maybe a reminder that you two were once physically connected may spur on inspiration to become a better husband.

It seems odd to me that you two still make love, yet he doesn't take that affection else-where. Find just ten minutes in a day, lie in bed, and just talk to each other. Grow comfortable with one another again, and understand that the process to rediscovering love may take some time.

Try different ways of breaking that routine, sharing a small physical bond, and establishing that connection that was lost and take it from there. Perhaps another serious discussion is in order to establish how he feels about you. It's a hurtful one to have, but a necessary one so it seems.


----------



## soapie (Feb 2, 2015)

So, at this point, I'm starting to assume what I have known deep inside this whole time. Husband might love me (if even that), but he is not in love with me anymore. 
I read that advice is what we seek when we know the answer, but our heart doesn't like it.
Our 10 year anniversary is in two weeks and I know nothing will happen. There will be no presents, no dates, no card. I won't get my 3 little words either. He's unable to say them because he does not love me.

I read, also, that a person can (and I quote): "(...) Just as you can love someone without being in love; fabulous times, passionate kisses and intimate love making do not necessarily = love or being in love. It’s easy to assume that the man who bears his soul to you on a regular basis without wanting anyone else must be in love with you. However as crazy as it sounds, it’s possible for a man to share virtually every aspect of his life with you without being in love with you. Sometimes as much as he cares about you, he just not in love with you."

Right. I get it. I am ****ed. 

I need to know what I am going to do next. 

If I didn't have my daughter, I would go... Go, go go. I am still young and full of life and I refuse to spend it next to someone who I love but won't reciprocate. I refuse to let this crush my soul.

The problem is not only my daughter, is taking her back to the US and very far from her dad (maybe he'll be able to see her once a year)? I will not do that to her. She will hate me and with good reason. I can't separate here because I wouldn't be able to make ends meet financially. I would have to go back.

So.. What do I do here? I don't want my daughter to grow with a false image of what love should be (I did, my mom put up with my dad who stopped loving her and swapped her for a younger one after we left the house). 

Please help. I am trapped and desperate... I wish he would love me the way I love him, but I need to stop lying to myself. It won't happen. I can't make it happen. 

This sucks


----------

