# He says I should be over it by now



## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

After years of verbal abuse and now infidelity with a prostitute which he admitted to in December (his guilt got to him after he thought he had infected me with HIV) my H now says I should be over it and I should have forgiven him by now.

I was talking to him last night about how I still had conflicting emotions about our marriage and I was struggling with how I feel towards him. One part of me wants to move on desperately whilst another wants to keep our family together. I am not in a place where I can trust him yet, nor be intimate. He is finding this very frustrating.

He also said that he could only give this a certain amount of time before he would get fed up with my inability to move forward with our marriage. He advised me that he is doing all he can to fix things (he has given up alcohol again and is going to weekend boot camps for people with anger issues).

He suggested that maybe I have 'delayed post natal depression' (does that even exist?!!! our son is 2 years old). What he is trying to say is that because of my inability to forgive him quickly for soliciting a prostitute, there must be another cause for this, such as post natal depression!! :bsflag: This is just ridiculous and a cover up for him facing this issue.

I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall here. If I try to talk to him to express my feelings (in the hope that I can heal), he just tells me that basically this is all my fault.

Help please.

Jen


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Many experts say that it takes from 2-5 years to get over infidelity. What your H is doing is "rug sweeping"-trying to ignore the 500 pound gorilla in the room.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Sorry but I have to say this, " What an inconsiderate CLOD!"

"He advised me that he is doing all he can to fix things (he has given up alcohol again and is going to weekend boot camps for people with anger issues)." 

Has he taken the time to ask what you need to fix this; time, dating, consideration?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would inform him that the quickest way to "get over it" is for you to hand him divorce papers. Stand up for yourself, he is the one who should be walking on egg shells - not you


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Wow, he needs to understand that you will heal on your time frame and not his, he should be doing anything and everything to help you, and his efforts now (non-drinking) will take a while to for you to believe that theses changes are here to stay....You are correct on him trying to get you to think that there is something wrong with you, total Bull ****!!! Blameshifting big time!!!!!!

You can tell him "I know what is exactly wrong with me, you cheated on me thats whats wrong" 

Maybe you can tell him that you are felling the same way, there is only a certain amount of time you will put up with him not moving forward on your terms (not his)and dont know if you can continue the relantionship, sorta knocking the ball back into his court....


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## Anaphylactic (Feb 19, 2012)

I am no expert I'd like to say first. However going through just about the SAME thing as you are makes me quite qualified In My Opinion! 
I actually deleted my post a few days ago because my Husband was snooping around. 
You take how ever long you need to take for your healing. 
I posted on this board for the first time a few days or so ago. The people here are kind and VERY helpful. Keep coming here. It helps. 
I would say to leave your husband but who am I to even give that advice to you. In the face of your husband losing you his "time" issue may change. I can tell you what I do to stop my husband in his time table demands/requests. I am sure it hurts bad, what you have to deal with. 
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!! message me anytime.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ok, let me state this in no uncertain terms. The 2-5 year time frame is for the BS to begin to feel comfortable around the WS again and to feel the relationship has stabilized. In reality the BS *NEVER* gets over it. If your husband does *everything* right then at some point the good will overwhelm the bad and you can have a great marriage. F-102 says your husband is trying to ignore the 500 lb. gorilla in the room. That's a great analogy. What you and your WH need to remember is the gorilla may go on a diet but it's always there in some form. Your husband needs to help you learn to live with the gorilla and most of all he needs to take care of it like it's his pet. After all, he created it and invited it into your life. Ultimately it's his responsibility.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks all 

Trouble is I already filed for divorce, then put it on hold because of his begging and pleading. We separated for 6 weeks and now he has moved back in.

This ofcourse doesn't stop me from starting divorce proceedings again. All I have to do is email my lawyer.

I have so many emotions going on at the moment. I worry if I get divorced how my children will react, how it will affect their future with having shared homes and birthdays. How they would cope with only seeing their dad every other weekend. How I will cope on my own in a new town, as I would move to where my mum lives. I think that maybe I should be selfless for the sake of keeping my family intact but then I long to be in love again and have happiness of my own. I know I can never fully love my husband, nor respect him after what he has done, even with countless amounts of therapy. 

So many overwhelming thoughts at the moment and I cannot even talk to my husband about them! Such a struggle.

What gets me the most is his attitude now, you would think I was the one to have an affair and not him! He has such a sense of entitlement. The only way I can describe him is like a poison, just dripping his negativity and blame.

/hugs

Jen


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

At the very least get tested for all STDs and insist he do so as well and share the results with you.

And, as others have said, it is not up to him to decide how long it takes for you to "get over it."

It is offensive that he thinks there is a quick resolution of this.

He would do well to go to marriage counseling with you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> F-102 says your husband is trying to ignore the 500 lb. gorilla in the room. That's a great analogy. What you and your WH need to remember is the gorilla may go on a diet but it's always there in some form. Your husband needs to help you learn to live with the gorilla and most of all he needs to take care of it like it's his pet. After all, he created it and invited it into your life. Ultimately it's his responsibility.


That analogy is even greater and I usually hate analogies


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So he verbally abuses you and then tells you to get over him cheating on you.

And you stay.

Ok.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Doesn't sound very supportive.

You know, there's really no statute of limitations on how you feel about something.

I think you need to be reminded that it's up to YOU whether or not you maintain this relationship. Where, exactly, does he get off threatening you?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The correct response is to assert that yes, he is right. So you cannot have sex because you might get pregnant again. Following that logic, you might as well get divorced.

What the heck, makes as much sense as his reasoning.
If he quibbles about it and says you're playing head games, ask him what he expects, you're depressed and can't think clearly!

This in turn, would explain why you took him back. Now that you are thinking clearly, assert that you made a mistake in reversing the divorce.

Don't let him mess with what you know. 
You don't NEED to have an explanation for divorce.
Just that without him, you feel better.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Do you think you will be able to forgive him soon? It is hardly two months you have come to know....IT TAKES SEVERAL YEARS TO COME OUT OF THE AGONY OF INFIDELITY. I think he is forcing you to forgive him. What he has done is very bad. Take your time and stay firm.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

He is not repentant for his behavior. What you have done is allow him to come back without setting any boundaries and/or conditions. To allow him to come back without those conditions has enabled him to think you've gotten over things, therefore, he's been deceived (in his own warped way of thinking) when he finds out that you haven't.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He is NOT doing what he needs to do here. Email your lawyer. You have given him enough chances. Your marriage will never work based on you being selfless. All that will translate into is him cheating again and expecting you to be a doormat again.

Divorce is the best option for you. You deserve happiness and your kids deserve a happy mother who sets a good example for them, not a resentful sad mother who just lets her husband keep walking all over her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

About the same length of time for me since D-day, Nov. 29th.

If my WS was acting like yours she would not be around. I repeat she would not be around. I would not have been able to deal with this crap if my WS is doing what yours is doing.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

I know you are all correct.

I know when I am writing out my problems that I shouldn't second guess myself not for a minute! 

I did set some boundaries when he returned, such as you will need to give me space and I am not interested in sex right now - let me approach you about that when I am ready. However, he just tramples all over them, or tries to anyway. He is a bully.

It is just such a scary final decision to say I am done. I know I am done because even though my mind comes up with all these obstacles and worries, my body is screaming at me to get him the hell out of my life. 

Thank you for the validation and support.

Jen


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Those are not really boundaries. Boundaries are things such as an insistence on complete transparency, i.e. cell phone, facebook, email passwords, committing to a recovery plan, going to marriage counseling, etc. All you essentially told him was "give me a little time to get over everything myself". You did nothing to help recover your marriage. It's never too late, but you have to be firm and set real boundaries and conditions in order to recover.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Ah I see what you mean, thanks for clarifying.

He is going to counselling and so am I. He also had to give up alcohol as well in order to come home as that was also part of the problem.

We also know each other's passwords for our email accounts and don't do facebook etc.

I should have made that clearer.

Jen


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When a WS shows true remorse and the BS wants to works things out there is hope.

It stinks to be where you are at in this.

You will have pain whether you stay in the marriage or you leave the marriage behind you. Both R and D are scary.

In R you live with the uncertainty of the future and the WS's cheating ways. Will they ever do it again? Is R worth it? What will be the long term gain if I do all this work and she cheats again? etc, etc.

Right now I am in the process of buying a second home so we can be together. I keep asking myself, is it worth the money? 

Jen, for you, all the signs indicate that it will not work out unless he changes. 

It is insult upon injury when a person like your WS does what they do. For me it would be too much.

I honestly feel your pain and I am shedding a tear for you. 

If I could, I would like to on behalf of all the BS's here on this forum, give you a hug.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

jen1020 said:


> He is going to counselling and so am I. He also had to give up alcohol as well in order to come home as that was also part of the problem.
> 
> We also know each other's passwords for our email accounts and don't do facebook etc.
> Jen


It's good that you are both going to counselling but it sounds like you're doing it seperately. That's not the best way to help your marriage. 

Giving up alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg. What about the things in your relationship that allowed the affair to happen in the first place. Do you two go and do things together or seperately? Did you guys enjoy a lot of time together having fun without family or friends? How much time did you two spend in engaging conversation? The list could go on....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Nothing but rugsweeping. 










He's not worthy nor has earned the precious gift of R that you're offering him. 3 months out, I was still a mess and triggering badly. He's unremorseful and unrepentant. Get the D process going again. He begged and pleaded to come home and now he does this sh!t?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

jen1020 said:


> Hi
> 
> After years of verbal abuse and now infidelity with a prostitute which he admitted to in December (his guilt got to him after he thought he had infected me with HIV) my H now says I should be over it and I should have forgiven him by now.
> 
> ...


Divorce him

There is to much for me to write that explains his behavior.


In short he is not capable of a long term committed marriage and has shown an inability to care and an inability to be faithful and has hurt you. I really suggest you leave him i am unlike many in this section of this forum in that i actually can read people and see and know how or have a good understanding of how people's minds work and why they do certain things. He is a liar and there are many other words i can use to describe his wrong behavior. Her is the thing you are not happy he has betrayed you and there is a very very good chance he will do it again. In addition his "get over it" is a huge indicator that he is not at all sympathetic towards your feelings towards the situation and in his mind is not entirely sorry he wants you stop bringing it to light cause it likely makes him feel bad/guilty. If a man cheats he will do it again almost all cheaters cheat again. 


Save yourself the future heart break and leave and find a better man is my suggestion. 


For every man that will hurt, cheat, talk down to a woman there are men who will be faithful, loving and take your breathe away and never hurt you. 


Ask yourself do you deserve better?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> i am unlike many in this section of this forum in that i actually can read people and see and know how or have a good understanding of how people's minds work and why they do certain things.


Say what???


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Geez jelly, it's all in Braille....(ya know the bumps all over our bodies)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)




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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

jen1020 said:


> Hi
> 
> After years of verbal abuse and now infidelity with a prostitute which he admitted to in December (his guilt got to him after he thought he had infected me with HIV) my H now says I should be over it and I should have forgiven him by now.


Tell your husband that 2 months is NOTHING when trying to get over a betrayal like this. For some it takes years.

He doesn't get to screw you over, put you at risk for HIV, and expect to have slide by after a couple of months. He has given you something to think about for a lifetime, and he wants you to get over it in a couple months?

Maybe tell him, "ok, this weekend then, I'll go out and get my juke on with a stud, ride him for all he is worth until I climax.....and then expect you to get over it by April."

You better believe if the shoe were on the other foot, he'd be cussing at you still on a regular basis.




> I was talking to him last night about how I still had conflicting emotions about our marriage and I was struggling with how I feel towards him. One part of me wants to move on desperately whilst another wants to keep our family together. I am not in a place where I can trust him yet, nor be intimate. He is finding this very frustrating.


Then he should be frustrated with himself. Sounds to me like your husband is an entitlement prince. Everything needs to go exactly his way, even in the face of his wrongdoing. I think you need to consider that, given his character and his obvious lack of remorse, that you may want to have a life away from him.'

Because a cheater with a "just get over it" attitude hasn't learned his/her lesson. They just want to slide by without any real consequences.




> He also said that he could only give this a certain amount of time before he would get fed up with my inability to move forward with our marriage.


Boom! There you have it. He cheats, but is going to be the one to drop an ultimatum? I think you need to surprise him with divorce papers.




> He advised me that he is doing all he can to fix things (he has given up alcohol again and is going to weekend boot camps for people with anger issues).


Thats not enough by a longshot. He needs to show remorse. He isn't. 




> I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall here. If I try to talk to him to express my feelings (in the hope that I can heal), he just tells me that basically this is all my fault.
> 
> Help please.
> 
> Jen


Get rid of him, get custody, get child support, get a good attorney.

He only cares about not having to hear about how you are hurting still. Again, he is an entitlement prince. Let him live the life of a child support paying, every other weekend father if he doesn't want to give you the time you need.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I would suggest that intimacy begets intimacy. Might want to work on those elements even if you aren't "over" the hurt. It will never be "over".


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

KanDo said:


> I would suggest that intimacy begets intimacy. Might want to work on those elements even if you aren't "over" the hurt. It will never be "over".


Yes, but who wants to be intimate with someone who visits a prostitute and on top of of that doesn't think it is all that of a big deal?? 



> Then he should be frustrated with himself. Sounds to me like your husband is an entitlement prince. Everything needs to go exactly his way, even in the face of his wrongdoing. I think you need to consider that, given his character and his obvious lack of remorse, that you may want to have a life away from him.'


Dexter - you are completely correct, this is the main reason why I am seriously considering ending this relationship.

As most of you have said it is this sense of 'entitlement' that gets me, like I'm not really a person just his wife who should feel the way that he feels. Should I feel any other way then he will just bully me into submission until I am too tired to fight back or just think it is easier to give up.

I'm not sure I believe once a cheater almost always cheats again, I haven't lost faith in people who can show true remorse. It is just that there is a lot more going on here, with my husband's attitude and his 'my way or the highway' rubbish. With that sense of self righteousness I do believe that he could talk himself into being unfaithful again and make a hundred excuses for it and blame me for his actions like he has done this time. I will not put myself in this situation again.

I had a discussion with him last night and he said that he didn't mean what he said about me having post natal depression that he just 'threw it out there' and he shouldn't have done. Yeah, yeah. He said he was tired and stressed. He also said that he was finding the lack of intimacy 'so difficult'. Really does he want my sympathy?! I'll go get my violin and play him a sad tune.

Jen


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would be very scared to carry on any relationship with your husband after what he's done.

He cheated with a prostitute...and thought he infected you with HIV. Dude.

He then is upset that you don't want to be intimate with him...

He's a narcissist and he's trying to call all the shots. Is this the type of marriage you want your children to witness? I wouldn't want my children anywhere near him. No offense. 

How about YOU call some shots. YOU take back your power and control. it's not about what HE wants. It's about what YOU want. I dont' think you can figure that out unless you get some time away to really think.

My initial reaction to this thread was "Oh Eff NO". If you were my friend, I'd tell you to leave his ass and not care about his feelings.

He certainly does NOT care about yours. You have given him no consequences. He does what he wants, apparently. He thinks he's the puppeteer. I dont' say that to be rude, but that's how I read it.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's a narcissist and he's trying to call all the shots. Is this the type of marriage you want your children to witness? I wouldn't want my children anywhere near him. No offense..
> 
> My initial reaction to this thread was "Oh Eff NO". If you were my friend, I'd tell you to leave his ass and not care about his feelings.


Thanks for your reply. I agree again, totally.

This morning I spoke to husband (or stbxh) and told him that I am proceeding with the divorce again. He will be moving out soon.

He is angry and says that I haven't tried hard enough and that I have given up. Yeah whatever, must be this post natal depression I'm suffering from!

I feel somewhat relieved already!

/hugs

Jen


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