# At a crossroad



## kermit (Nov 1, 2010)

I came across this forum while desperately looking for some help with my situation. Hopefully someone has some good advice.

I have been married almost 12 years and have 2 children, age 9 and 4. My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, is addicted to painkillers (which he illegally gets from a pharmacist friend) and is constantly (sometimes 2x a week) going out and staying out until all hours of the night, sometimes even the next morning. I have also repeatedly caught him in lies about what he is doing when he is out. Despite all this, he holds down a very good job and most of family and friends would be amazed if they knew the "real" him.

I am a stay-at-home mom and have basically tolerated his behavior for the sake of our kids and always hoping that he will change. My feelings for him have deteriorated over the years and for the last year or so, i can honestly say I feel nothing for him but contempt, disappointment and distrust.

The final straw came for me about a year ago when he blew off plans to go to my class reunion to go out with some of his friends (he told me he wasn't feeling well, then decided to go out drinking with his friends after I left). It was that night that I decided that I would start preparing to leave him if not before, definitely when my son goes to kindergarten next fall. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since then and we barely speak.

He noticed the change in my attitude and kept promising to change. Despite his promises, nothing changed for several months. I begged him to go to counseling to heal himself for the kids. He finally went in July and the counselor got him to go to AA meetings. It has been a struggle for him, but he has not had a drink in 3 weeks and has not been out with his friends for 6 weeks.

Heres the problem. Despite his recent efforts to change, I am done with the marriage. I don't love him, I don't trust him and I don't want to be married to him anymore. I feel horrible about this, but I am just not willing to take the chance that this time the change will be permanent. I have heard his promises for years and keep playing the fool. I just don't think I can take this chance again. I don't hate him, but I feel nothing for him.

I am not yet in a position financially to be own my own with two kids, so I am kind of stuck. I told him how I felt (i don't love him anymore, i don't trust him) and he has threatened me saying that if I file for divorce, he will do everything in his power to take the kids, he will make my life miserable, etc... 

This weekend, he gave me an ultimatum that I need to either file for divorce, or let him move back into our bedroom and get things back to "normal" by next weekend. I don't even want to be in the same room with him, let alone the same bed. But, like I said, I don't have a job, so moving out isn't really an option.

I just don't know what to do. Do I try to make it work and trust that he will really change -- if I do, it would only for the sake of the kids and because of the fact that I don't have a job. Or do I tell him I want a divorce, possibly leaving myself homeless and in a fight for my kids -- the two most precious things on earth to me.

If anyone has advice, please help!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I wouldn't support you for divorce at the moment to make yourself homeless.
Since he's fine to separate at home, let it work this way. Your husband is NOT that kind of violent man that would harm you physically. He's a just a dumb man with bad hobbies & addictions, which would take some time to get rid of. If he's going on the right path of MC, actually you're saving this man for the rest of his life. Although you might not need this man to be your lover anymore but the kids still need a good dad, a healthy dad. You hate him so much because your world is revolving around him. Stay back to have a better look at your life. You can give yourself a new identity for yourself. Regarding him as a friend for the kids, living under the same roof for the kids. Your identity is his friend.
In the future, you don't know, nobody really knows, maybe he would change... because he's panic to lose you forever because he realised himself screwing up too many things & destroying the marriage... Maybe he never changes as a hopeless jerk... Maybe he would be a loving & trustworthy husband one day, and you would fall back in love with him, maybe no. What we know is he's working out his problems at this moment and it's too early to predict the future. So meanwhile, you can plan and live a new life for yourself, make it colorful & meaningful. Going out for some healthy activities. Making yourself busy and happy with your kids. Enjoying spending his money for nice clothes and new hairstyle. He wants you to stay, so he pays.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

kermit said:


> et in a position financially to be own my own with two kids, so I am kind of stuck. I told him how I felt (i don't love him anymore, i don't trust him) and he has threatened me saying that if I file for divorce, he will do everything in his power to take the kids, he will make my life miserable, etc...
> 
> This weekend, he gave me an ultimatum that I need to either file for divorce, or let him move back into our bedroom and get things back to "normal" by next weekend. I don't even want to be in the same room with him, let alone the same bed. But, like I said, I don't have a job, so moving out isn't really an option.
> 
> ...


Don't listen to his threats and be firm. It is not reasonable behaviour to threaten to try and get custody of the kids, they are humans not pawns. Try and find a way to move out.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your husband is this kind of man who has a bad mouth but not a bad heart. He's panic and didn't want you to leave, he knows he's wrong so he didn't have a valid reason to persuade you to stay. So he spoke stupidly to threaten you. It's very obvious he loves you & doesn't want to lose you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunnicula (Oct 30, 2010)

You are in a miserable relationship and you think staying in a terrible situation is better for the children. Please think about what you're really saying to them. You're teaching your children to remain in situations where they're unhappy. Think about it. If one of your children, as an adult, were in a loveless marriage, what would you say to them? What would you truly want for them? To stay? To be unhappy? You are teaching your children how to live and what to expect out of life and relationships by your actions right now. Teach them to fight for happiness, even if that means leaving an unhappy marriage. Especially if that means leaving an unhealthy marriage.

Also, keeping your children around an active drug abuser and alcoholic is NOT in their best interests!

Do you have family or friends with whom you can stay for awhile? It may not sound great but it's better than where you're at right now.


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