# My wife acts like a teenager...



## bobloblaw (Sep 29, 2016)

I really don't know how to work things out with my wife sometimes. In many ways it feels like I married a teenager (we are both 28, been married 5 years). She is often moody, immature, selfish, and prideful. This is not a constant thing, but seems to be more and more frequent. I saw some of these things while dating, but honestly figured she would grow up. It feels like she has not.

Any time I bring anything up regarding something in the relationship that I am struggling with that she could maybe change to help me it immediately gets blamed on me. When nearly anything unpleasant happens, it is my fault. Getting her to give a genuine apology for something or even acknowledge that she could change something is like pulling teeth. Probably 90% of the apologizes I get from her are very insincere, somewhat sarcastic, and sometimes followed by little jabs. For instance, "Fine, sorry, you happy now?" Kind of like you'd expect a teenager to respond to their parents. She rolls her eyes at me quite dramatically in nearly any conversation we have where we have a disagreement and I try to make my point or say how I feel.

There are many other examples of this, but in general, I just feel like in a lot of ways she refuses to grow up and be a responsible adult and I don't know how to deal with it.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bobloblaw said:


> I saw some of these things while dating, but honestly figured she would grow up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I doubt you will be able to change her. At her age, her core personality is set. To change, SHE would have to want to.


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## bobloblaw (Sep 29, 2016)

Yes I know, but we were like 21 when we met and in college...so acting this way seemed kind of par for the course. Despite being the same age, I did have a little more 'life experience' than her (living on my own, not relying on parents financially, etc.) so I figured she would grow up. 

I don't mean to give the impression that our marriage sucks and she is the worst. I lover her, our marriage is good...this is just a big obstacle in making it better and I don't know how to address it because trying to help someone who is immature acknowledge they are immature without a big mess is a difficult task.


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## bobloblaw (Sep 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I doubt you will be able to change her. At her age, her core personality is set. To change, SHE would have to want to.


Any advice in helping her see what she looks like from where I am at? Helping her want to change?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bobloblaw said:


> I really don't know how to work things out with my wife sometimes. In many ways it feels like I married a teenager (we are both 28, been married 5 years). She is often moody, immature, selfish, and prideful. This is not a constant thing, but seems to be more and more frequent. I saw some of these things while dating, but honestly figured she would grow up. It feels like she has not.
> 
> Any time I bring anything up regarding something in the relationship that I am struggling with that she could maybe change to help me it immediately gets blamed on me. When nearly anything unpleasant happens, it is my fault. Getting her to give a genuine apology for something or even acknowledge that she could change something is like pulling teeth. Probably 90% of the apologizes I get from her are very insincere, somewhat sarcastic, and sometimes followed by little jabs. For instance, "Fine, sorry, you happy now?" Kind of like you'd expect a teenager to respond to their parents. She rolls her eyes at me quite dramatically in nearly any conversation we have where we have a disagreement and I try to make my point or say how I feel.
> 
> There are many other examples of this, but in general, I just feel like in a lot of ways she refuses to grow up and be a responsible adult and I don't know how to deal with it.


Sorry, this never changes. Maturity rarely comes to the rescue. I say this with decades of experience.

People are what they are. 

Around strangers they are one face. 

Around loved ones, the mask falls to the side.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Perhaps you should seek professional advice.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Stop placing too much expectations on her. Start to live your life with the idea that your overall happiness is your responsibility, no one else's. Relationships nowadays suffer because people go in expecting their partner to make them happy, to fulfill all their desires. Hollywood pushes this narrative with movies like Jerry Maguire ("You complete me")

I'm telling you this because trying to change one's partner is a fool's errand, IMO. This is who they are and they will change when THEY are ready, not when you want them to. When you see this is who she is going to be regardless of how you rant and rage, you will stop placing the expectation of improvement on her and getting mad when she doesn't live up to it.

I'm not saying check out of the relationship. I'm saying don't try to be the god in her life that tells her how to behave. Sure, you can express dissatisfaction. No problem with that. It's good communication as a matter of fact. If you focus on doing things to fulfill you these irritants will become minor ones that don't overwhelm you.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Why did you marry her? What qualities attracted you to her? Do you have any children? If you don't, I'd hold off on that for now.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You can't change her. She will have to grow up on her own and you need to let that happen. You're not her father, you're her partner. The more you take on the part of the parent, the more she will resent you. However, you can change how you handle/react to her behaviors. Then she will have to choose whether or not to continue in this behavior or lose you. 

Here, understand boundries. Boundaries in Marriage

Understand roles of a partner. The 5 Love Languages

Best


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## bobloblaw (Sep 29, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> The more you take on the part of the parent, the more she will resent you.
> 
> Best


Agreed. I absolutely resent it when I feel like she treats me like a child. I do try to not to do this. I would never say, in response to her rolling her eyes at me, "don't you roll your eyes at me!" But I do try to communicate how much I dislike when she does that and that I do find it to be pretty rude. Simply by expressing that am I acting like a parent in the relationship? I don't think so, but if she does, then I guess that is a problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobloblaw said:


> I would never say, in response to her rolling her eyes at me, "don't you roll your eyes at me!" But I do try to communicate how much I dislike when she does that and that I do find it to be pretty rude.


And she still keeps doing it, doesn't she? Apparently it doesn't matter to her that you dislike it and find it rude.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@bobloblaw,

You should not be treated like a child, verbally abused, or belittled by anyone, especially a partner. Read the link about boundaries I gave you. There you will find ways to deal with such behaviors. 

Here's another easy read that you can find helpful in your situation. No More Mr. Nice Guy

These are for you. They are not meant to change her, but to help you establish what you will accept in your life and a way to get it. 


...and as @sidney2718 mentioned counseling before things get worse. Letting a 3rd party guide the both of you in communication when frustrated. 

Best


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bobloblaw said:


> Agreed. I absolutely resent it when I feel like she treats me like a child. I do try to not to do this. I would never say, in response to her rolling her eyes at me, "don't you roll your eyes at me!" But I do try to communicate how much I dislike when she does that and that I do find it to be pretty rude. Simply by expressing that am I acting like a parent in the relationship? I don't think so, but if she does, then I guess that is a problem.


There are probably some books out there that can help you, did you do a search on Amazon? Maybe look for something like "dealing with difficult people" or "dealing with immaturity".

Funny user name. Were you an Arrested Development fan?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> And she still keeps doing it, doesn't she? Apparently it doesn't matter to her that you dislike it and find it rude.


She keeps doing it because there are no consequences for doing it.

You have to be willing to play hardball with her. 

Do the 180 on her.
Leave the house....go for a drive. After returning tell her that her behavior is not acceptable.
Be cool, never explode. Give her the silent treatment. Do not initiate conversation....This is passive aggressive...oh, yeah!
Start doing things for yourself. When she complains, tell her that you WANT to do things with her, but she makes it so difficult.

Oh..and be prepared for war.. she may dump you.

Is this worth it? If not, suck it up and let the drama roll off your back. 

It is not you....it is life, it's pressures and disappointments...you are her whipping boy. I suspect the criticism is not heart felt. She is venting, does not want fixing, only wants you to listen...obey!

I could be wrong about your women.....I am a Neanderthal.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Give her the silent treatment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Any time I bring anything up regarding something in the relationship that I am struggling with that she could maybe change to help me it immediately gets blamed on me."

Examples, please. 

How often does she bring up something in the relationship that she wants you to change to help her with?


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## bobloblaw (Sep 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> "Any time I bring anything up regarding something in the relationship that I am struggling with that she could maybe change to help me it immediately gets blamed on me."
> 
> Examples, please.
> 
> How often does she bring up something in the relationship that she wants you to change to help her with?


The other day I brought up how it really didn't feel like she appreciated how hard I work to provide for the family both monetarily and around the house doing projects. This wasn't brought up out of the blue but kind of fit into a small conflict we were having. Her first response was "well you don't know how to take compliments" ...which I guess may be valuable feedback as I had literally never been told that before by anyone... But I stopped her and asked why when her spouse said they don't feel appreciated her default answer is to say it is because of some shortcoming of her spouse. Why not say, "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I appreciate you!" She could even add that she thought she was showing it and explain how. 

A few weeks ago we had somewhere to go and beforehand I was downstairs working and she fell asleep upstairs. I was unaware she had fallen asleep and when I went upstairs I saw her asleep and decided I'd give her another two minutes while I brush my teeth then wake her up. Apparently she didn't mean to fall asleep and it took her 15 minutes to get ready so we ended up leaving 10 minutes late. In the car I asked if it was going to be a problem that we are late (it was an activity with her family) and she responded with something like "I hate being late, why didn't you wake me up? Why would you let me sleep like that?" I tried to point out that I didn't know she was asleep and my decision to let her sleep another two minutes was out of love and even if I woke her up then, we would still be 8 minutes late. She wouldn't drop it... "well how come when you didn't hear me getting ready you didn't come upstairs?" I tried to explain that I was preoccupied working and not keeping tabs on her activities. When she started pressing it again I stopped her and asked why she felt the need to blame me because she fell asleep? How is this my fault? I wasn't blaming her in any way, why does she feel the need to blame me?

Today I noticed she was having a hard time (seemed burnt out) and I went to say that I was sorry she wasn't feeling well, then I said I was having a hard day as well (I am going through a rough treatment for an illness) and was going to add that I'll be done with this treatment soon and I'll be able to help more on days like this. Well, she cut me off right after I said I wasn't feeling well either with a dramatic eye roll. I stopped and said, "What was that for? Why the eye roll?" She said, "why couldn't you just say I'm sorry you aren't feeling well?" If I had just said that then she wouldn't have had to be so rude... I tried to point out that if she let me finish she would know why I didn't stop there and that again, she does something rude and when called on it defaults to blaming it on me. She was just annoyed that I called her out on this.

I know I am not perfect...I am probably pretty annoying myself. I am overly logically and often over analyze things that are said. But I am regularly apologizing for my shortcomings and asking how I can do better or what she needs to be happier. The only time I get that from her is after I call her on something, she blames me, so I call her out on blaming me instead of taking any responsibility or apologizing, then she gives a weak "sorry I'm not perfect" apology, so I call her out on that, then she says there is no pleasing me because I'm upset she doesn't apologize then I don't accept the apology, then I call her on that, then generally I say I'm done that it is pointless...then a little bit later she gives a real apology. If I don't feel like going through all that, I just don't get one.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why do you feel you have to counter. Why are you drawn into ridiculous arguments? She didn't get up, it was her fault, not your's. End of story, drop it and move on. Not my fault, not my monkey. Yet she gives you and eye roll and it sets you off further. How's that working? 

Start reading.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Please tell us that you have no children with this woman.


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Discernment: the ability to obtain sharp perceptions or to judge well.

Your wife is not marriage material... nor dating material for that matter.

How can you stand the regular bickering over nonsense? I'd rather drive off a bridge.

Qualities of a good wife: Gentle and quiet (as in not loud or obnoxious), serves others (selfless), trustworthy, financially prudent, wise with her tongue, hard worker (not lazy), modest, trustworthy with a good reputation, strong in her womanhood. 

If you are ever to remarry, search for these qualities. 

As you are now, I would change the way you react to her. Your wife seems to have a lack of respect for you as her husband plus she seems quite immature for any age. I would distance myself from someone like that and use the free time to work out and develop relationships with other positive people.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bobloblaw said:


> I would never say, in response to her rolling her eyes at me, "don't you roll your eyes at me!"


Why not?

You teach people how to treat you my friend and your wife needs a wake up call. Next time she rolls her eyes at you, calmly end the conversation (tell her why you're ending the convo) and walk away. Next time she deflects blame to you, just end the conversation. 

It's not your fault she fell asleep, nor was it your responsibility to wake her up.

Don't be passive aggressive with her - be firm and confident in your words and above all calm. State your case and walk away. When you stop engaging with the ridiculous the behaviour will stop. But be warned, it will likely get worse before it gets better.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

bobloblaw said:


> I really don't know how to work things out with my wife sometimes. In many ways it feels like I married a teenager (we are both 28, been married 5 years). She is often moody, immature, selfish, and prideful. This is not a constant thing, but seems to be more and more frequent. I saw some of these things while dating, but honestly figured she would grow up. It feels like she has not.
> 
> Any time I bring anything up regarding something in the relationship that I am struggling with that she could maybe change to help me it immediately gets blamed on me. When nearly anything unpleasant happens, it is my fault. Getting her to give a genuine apology for something or even acknowledge that she could change something is like pulling teeth. Probably 90% of the apologizes I get from her are very insincere, somewhat sarcastic, and sometimes followed by little jabs. For instance, "Fine, sorry, you happy now?" Kind of like you'd expect a teenager to respond to their parents. She rolls her eyes at me quite dramatically in nearly any conversation we have where we have a disagreement and I try to make my point or say how I feel.
> 
> There are many other examples of this, but in general, I just feel like in a lot of ways she refuses to grow up and be a responsible adult and I don't know how to deal with it.


She is acting immature, it sounds to me, but I should also say that demanding an apology is manipulative. She may say "Fine! Sorry!" Just to get you to stop demanding one from her. Personally, I don't really want to hear I'm sorry. Not if what you are apologizing for is the same thing again and again. "I'm sorry" isn't worth anything at that point, because the other person should be working to fix whatever they keep doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

And having read all of this thread now, I think you are very much a Mr. Nice Guy. You won't be happy until you learn to stop that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I think most therapists will tell you that one of the most obvious signs of disrespect is when someone "rolls their eyes". 

I think you better get to MC before this marriage that you think is great turns into her resentment or selfishness makes her feel it is OK to do something that will will find quite a bit more unpleasant that rolling her eyes.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The "why didn't you wake me up?" crap is beyond the pale. A better question for her childish ass would be "why the hell did you choose to fall asleep when you knew you had to go out? Guess who's not your mommy."

I have to agree with those who say you're being too much of a "nice guy" and are suggesting the 180. If you were dealing with a full-grown adult, it would be different. You need to re-establish respect and some degree of control. But don't give her the silent treatment. Be cordial and polite, but give her a taste of what life is like without your approval, support, and constant presence. When she asks the inevitable "what's wrong?", just calmly deny that anything's wrong, or tell her you're preoccupied with something at work. This will chip away at her over a matter of weeks, and she'll start to realize what she stands to lose. If she tries to manipulate you back into the fold with sex, just kindly tell her that you're tired or sore or whatever.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Stop being defensive, it will never work out for you. Do not explain yourself unless there was something specific that you did. Do not treat her like a child, treat her like an adult acting like a child. Call her out on it and make her own it.

Uh, did you just roll your eyes at me? Because, that's ****ing ridiculous if you did and I am pretty ****ing sure that you did.

Are you throwing a tantrum? Cause, if you are, I'll come back later when you are done. 

Oh, did you call the front desk and request a wake-up call? I am sorry, I wasn't notified. Please feel free to contact my manager with any complaints you may have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobloblaw said:


> The only time I get that from her is after I call her on something, she blames me, so I call her out on blaming me instead of taking any responsibility or apologizing, then she gives a weak "sorry I'm not perfect" apology, so I call her out on that, then she says there is no pleasing me because I'm upset she doesn't apologize then I don't accept the apology, then I call her on that, then generally I say I'm done that it is pointless...then a little bit later she gives a real apology. If I don't feel like going through all that, I just don't get one.


It takes some people longer to get it. She doesn't give a sh!t that you are upset, right? So you keep telling her how you feel. She blames you. She doesn't apologize the way you want her to apologize. Pointless is correct. After you give up, you get a "real" apology.

There's a lot of talk on TAM about communication. I realize it is important in a marriage. But I think a lot of this "communication" boils down to either party just wanting to "win" their point and be right in their own mind.

I mean, you two are going around in circles and getting nowhere. She is immature? Okay. Then just quit the pointless arguing and accept her for what she is, or realize you ignored the red flags early on and made a mistake.

You can't change her. And, frankly, you don't sound like the paragon of maturity either. Seriously.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

From what I understand, it sounds like you are spending too much time asking questions that sample instead of asking questions that clarify... and as others have shared, that leads to defensiveness you will never find calm in.

It's fair that appreciation is deserved for the things done for the family, but one needs to think about expectation .vs acceptance, especially knowing how things will probably not change readily from your wife, so the obvious choice is to think about how you will find peace where you are.

Whatever the reason (there is an underlying one that may never be openly shared), it feels she wants to be heard without anyone else in the way to distract her from... her, hence her self-centered attitudes about anything not her. Her search for felling positive about herself has taken you on a journey that is sharing the pain she sees inwardly. The disrespect and resentment given like that is often a reflection of fearful feelings for oneself.

So make your statement when you feel "I don't feel appreciated for the effort I give" and if if she responds or justifies it with "well, you don't know how to be appreciated", then clarify "oh, so I understand you don't believe I know how to be appreciated?" and when she affirms that is what she stated thank her and move on to something else... don't linger, don't dwell, and don't argue... move on. Believe it or not, you are both feeding the bad-feelings monster if you stand and fight.

Same with identifying things that seem like you are being overly sympathetic and owed... stop worrying for her and let her deal with her own problems at best (oversleeping) or misery at worst (communicating poorly after a bad day). Offer assistance once if there are doubt about what she would like "would you like me to only listen or can I help", then do what you say by only listening or pitching in when accepted, but expect to be the fall-guy when something doesn't come out as expected and smile with an honest "I did my best" and leave her to it. 

If you have doubts... listen only and actively responding with affirmation "it sounds like it" to her "I had a horrible day" overview.

In the end... please respect yourself if you cannot find it clearly from your partner, you may find your path takes you on a road more appreciated. It may take an effort in counseling, or you simply may have to accept you did your best and find your happiness with someone who will work with you and not against you, but fairly offer your wife your best effort, you made that promise with your vow to do just that. If she doesn't hold up her end, at least you can until your decision is made that it is, or is not, worth your own mindful well-being.


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## bobloblaw (Sep 29, 2016)

Begin again said:


> She is acting immature, it sounds to me, but I should also say that demanding an apology is manipulative. She may say "Fine! Sorry!" Just to get you to stop demanding one from her. Personally, I don't really want to hear I'm sorry. Not if what you are apologizing for is the same thing again and again. "I'm sorry" isn't worth anything at that point, because the other person should be working to fix whatever they keep doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't 'demand' an apology from her. I do say things like, "why would you say that? why not just apologize?" or she will ask something like, "what was i suppose to do" and I'll say, "you could have just said you were sorry and you'll try to do better..." So I point out how much easier and nicer a conversation would have gone had she had a little humility and just offered an apology. I never say "You owe me an apology! Apologize, now!" ...that would be silly. Because I know that her little 'fine, sorry' apologies are totally worthless. Especially when they are followed up by, "there, you happy now?"


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

bobloblaw said:


> Yes I know, but we were like 21 when we met and in college...so acting this way seemed kind of par for the course. Despite being the same age, I did have a little more 'life experience' than her (living on my own, not relying on parents financially, etc.) so I figured she would grow up.
> 
> I don't mean to give the impression that our marriage sucks and she is the worst. I lover her, *our marriage is good*...this is just a big obstacle in making it better and I don't know how to address it because trying to help someone who is immature acknowledge they are immature without a big mess is a difficult task.


Here's where you need to stop being dishonest with yourself and everyone. 

Your marriage is not good. In fact one of the major components of the marriage i.e. an equal partnership based on trust and honesty is just not there.

I mean if your marriage was good you wouldn't be here would you?

In fact you'd even admit to yourself that this behavior moving forward years down the line would be something you would find extremely toxic to the relationship..so

How is that a good marriage?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Without having her side of the story, and just your own, it sounds like she doesn't respect you. 

At all. 

I'd even say she doesn't like you that much. She most certainly does not love you. How is anything you describe in her behavior loving? Think about it.

If I were you, I'd stop doing nice things for her and just focus on what you need to do to recover from her toxic influence. She rejects all forms of responsibility... Well, that IS childish behavior when you're her age. 

You don't reward a brat with the very knife with which to stab you.

Looks like you grew up and she didn't really. Maybe she never had to or wanted to. BTW, she gets away with as much as you let her. It sounds like you're afraid of confronting her, although your post reads like you've tried. You can't reason with an emotionally immature person. You just can't. So you remove yourself physically when she browbeats you. Leave the room, leave the house. Do not be a sponge absorbing the toxicity.

It's also possible she has zero empathy, at least for you. How does she treat other people? 

I was in a marriage much like the essence of what you're dealing with. Saying it demoralized me and messed me up in the head would be an understatement. I got out, healed, and am in a far more adult marriage now.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm not sensing much love. Just a relationship that's on auto-pilot. You're both to young to be in such a situation. I agree with others that you sound way to much nice and sensing a lot of passive aggressiveness combined with covert contracts. Most women find that to be weak and will not respect such a man. 

To turn this around you have to work on yourself. When you change, it forces her to respond. I strongly recommend that you read Married Man Sex Life primer by Athol Kay. It's a book to help you become a better husband so that you can attract your wife. Once the attraction is there, she'll respond to you or you will get to the point where you'll value yourself enough to not accept her behavior if it continues. 

Bottom line is you can't change her. You can only change yourself.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bobloblaw said:


> I don't 'demand' an apology from her. I do say things like, "why would you say that? why not just apologize?"
> 
> I never say "You owe me an apology! Apologize, now!"


In both of the examples you wrote above you are requesting an apology. One way is asking the other way is demanding. It's weak, no matter how you say it. Just stop doing it. 



Tatsuhiko said:


> The "why didn't you wake me up?" crap is beyond the pale. A better question for her childish ass would be "why the hell did you choose to fall asleep when you knew you had to go out? Guess who's not your mommy."


Alpha response (which will earn her respect and shut her down) vs. Beta response (which will invite further abuse and possibly spiral the relationship down and even lead to cheating because she finds he's just not attractive to her anymore because he's weak).

Would love to see the look on her face when and if he finally stands up to her and says that to her.

She'd probably be like "Yes sir, sorry sir- can I blow you now?".


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