# Should wife's male best friends be OK? Can I get her to stop being sneaky about them?



## psychman (Jul 2, 2010)

8 years ago I caught my wife lying about a secret lunch with a man who was an occasional co-worker. She said they had become good friends while talking for hours at a business conference. I demanded that she stop lying to me “or else”. Hey, a lunch and male friends are no big deal to me, as long as we are open about it. 

I checked 9 months later and discovered she was still sneaking out for lunch with him. I called his wife to ask if she knew and what she thought about it. His wife said her husband never sneaks anywhere (she was not aware of the lunches and didn’t want to know) and let me know I had her pity due to my distrustful marriage. I again asked me wife to simply be open about it and stop lying to me.

Months later I began secretly gathering information. I discovered that about once a month she would sneak out to lunch with him. I could predict their sporadic business meetings and lunches because she would dress up, often provocatively (titty-popping, tight dresses, and lots of perfume), and she would treat me like I was a dumbass for a day or two before, and then be really sweet for a day or two after. I was sure they were having sex so I spent lots of time and money gathering info. Nothing. Unless it was very rare and consisted of quickies.

I never told her what I know because when previously confronted she just got sneakier. I never “or elsed” because I didn’t want to lose my kids and we get along OK.

This situation continued for several years. We remained close and have done a good job raising the kids. But, it took its toll as we got caught up in circles of snappy anger every time I realized she had met with him again.

Suddenly her secret meetings with him stopped a year ago. She had a few secret lunches with a couple other men soon after. But then stopped completely and put more effort into our relationship. Things greatly improved.

Last January I changed jobs to one she didn’t want me to take due to its distance from home (I did it a week before I would have lost the first job anyway). Much passive anger from her as a result.

In March I discovered she had gone out for drinks with her (formerly “a creep”) boss, while I was on an out of town business trip. I started gathering info again and have found that she is pursuing the exact same best friend relationship (secret lunches, sexy clothing, cold & warm with me) with her boss. Still apparently no sex, but many more meetings and lots more sexual innuendo than with the other guy. Even sneakier about this one because the relationship must be hidden from co-workers and other supervisors who “might get the wrong idea”.

I am fed up and preparing to surprise her by moving out. But, should I talk to her first? Should I tell her all that I know? Should I confront her boss or tell his wife? (I would let the government entity for whom they work know, but my wife might lose her job.) Am I overreacting to a woman just normally flirting and preferring male friends (I’m pretty sure she has had these friendships throughout our 26 year marriage)? Am I missing some other course of action that might save the marriage without the price of my sanity? What would you do?
Thank you very much!


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

I am working in engineering and of course known to be a male dominated industry and I have quite a few lunches with co workers but that is not a secret to my husband and with anybody for as long as I don't do anything I am not guilty, He knows evrything but at the end he is the one cheated on me with a co worker. If she keeps it from you then that is something because there should be no reasons to keep it secret specialy with your spouse unless there is something going on. and for her doing it for so many years, you're good to stay that long in the marriage.
once a cheater will always be a cheater!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If she is hiding it, it is an emotional affair. There is never a reason for a spouse to repeatedly hide meetings, lunches, etc., with another person. Secrecy in a marriage is the road to disaster (privacy is an entirely different matter.) Treat this as an affair, and act accordingly.

How affairs start

Four things to do now that you've discovered an affair

Seven steps to end an affair.



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## lonely-mel (Jun 2, 2010)

I know the feeling my husband does the same thing hides meetings ,online chats and the like ..i have no idea how long the present friends has been around ..he has told her hes married with kids but well they are still secretive and cannot be trusted..its hard and well im thinking about a divorce as his online and real friends mean more to him than his family...so i feel your pain its a hard situation to be n and yes i agree with Tane if its secretive its just as bad as an affair and must be treated accordingly.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Stop watching your wife slowly leave the marriage and start using the years of un-used information of her, at the very least a emotional affair, and confront your wife.


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## makaveli (Jul 8, 2010)

Hey...I know what you are going through and it is hard to have your spouse going to the opposite sex for companionship. Whatever you think or whatever your wife thinks, she is in the wrong. No one should ever have any worries in a relationship...everything should be out in the open so that the other person doesn't feel suspicious. Granted, you can have friends with the opposite sex but when a line has been crossed that is when the friendship is not a professional or ethical relationship. My suggestion which I am doing with my wife right now is tell whats on your mind even if the truth hurts. An easy way of doing that would be in marriage counseling. In marriage counseling you might find out what the real cause of her acting like this because most of the time there is a deeper issue then she just wants to go sneak around and have lunch with men. If you can't communicate with each other then the relationship is either doomed or you will be very unhappy and no one should go through life like that...it's not fair to you. Hope things work out for you and good luck!


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