# Does your spouse play the "I work harder than you do" game?



## Waking up to life

Here's the scoop: I work full time Monday through Thursday. Fridays off. I work 38-40 hours in four days, so yes it's full time. (Side note: I make more money than H does). My husband works 40 hours per week Mon - Friday. 

Lately my husband seems to be getting more and more resentful that I have Fridays off and that I don't accomplish what he thinks I ought to on those days. He thinks I should spend my whole day cleaning, running errands like getting groceries, or other tasks that he "assigns" me to do. 

When he gets home, he immediately starts looking around to see if I did the dishes, etc. He'll start grilling me on what I did with my day, and usually I don't measure up to what he thinks I should've gotten done. Then he starts sighing and huffing and makes a point to do things like unload the dishwasher or throw away junk mail sitting on the table. 

He doesn't ever ask me how I'm feeling. But on Fridays, I'm usually kinda wiped out from already putting in my 40 hours and sometimes I just want to take it easy. I still have Saturday and Sunday to do things like grocery shopping. 

I resent that I have to account for how I spent my time on my day off, and that he thinks he needs to judge if I used my time wisely. Any thoughts?


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## deejov

That sucks if he is feeling resentful, and so are you.

Curious to the comment that he "assigns" things for you to do.

Does that imply that you have both talked about who does what, and have agreed on the chores list (things that need to be done all the time)?

If so, then if you choose to do your share of the stuff on Saturday, that's fine. Unless it means you are foresaking couple time instead?


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## AlmostYoung

I like Deejov's comment about working out an agreement on who's doing what chores. 



Waking up to life said:


> Here's the scoop: I work full time Monday through Thursday. Fridays off. I work 38-40 hours in four days, so yes it's full time. (Side note: I make more money than H does). My husband works 40 hours per week Mon - Friday.
> 
> Any thoughts?


Yes, first lose the scorecard. No keeping track of who makes more, or who does more. _This is the same thing your H is doing!_ 

This tit for tat game is detrimental to the marriage because it pits you against each other. It also will go on forever if one of you doesn't take steps to end it. Because you're here asking and he's not, the initiator has to be you.

The goal is to be a team, a "WE". 

What are his complaints? What needs of his are not being met by his W? If you change yourself, (the only person you can change) he is more likely to want to meet your needs and please you, 

Somehow I doubt dirty dishes and junk mail are what is really bothering him.

Have you ever read The 5 Love Languages?


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## MuleM

You could try taking the initiative to sit down with him and go through a list of errands and things that need to get done each week, and see if you can agree on who's responsible for what. If you break it down like that, he might realize you're doing more than he realizes, or vice versa. Plus, there won't be any reason to get mad if you both know what you're expected to do; and if he's feeling like he's got too much of the responsibility, he'll appreciate you being the one to bring it up.


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## EleGirl

How much does he do around the house? How much cleaning, cooking, shopping?


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## kag123

Its been said already - but definitely not good for either of you to keep score.

However, if my H and I shared your situation...I think I would expect the person with the consistent friday off to handle a lot of the errand running that takes up a good portion of our weekend. I would expect this because it would free up more of our time on Saturdays and Sundays to enjoy our time off together, instead of one person getting a good day off that the other person doesn't get to share. It would show me that the person With the extra day off is still thinking of the team - sharing free time together - which I would appreciate. 

Maybe he feels similarly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pink_lady

She's working 10 hour days. They work the same number of hours each week. It's not like she has time to do much of anything M-Th except work. But it should still be up to her to get all household errands done on Friday? Not sure that I agree with that.


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## Waking up to life

AlmostYoung: I brought up the money issue b/c I'm making the point that my job is no less valuable to our joint income than his. If I worked 4 days a week making minimum wage at a dead end job while he busted his butt building a career, I could see why he might think there's an unequal balance of work/income contributions. But this is not the case.

As far as "assigned tasks": they are things like take his car in for an oil change, buy a wedding gift for friend getting married, list something on Craigslist he wants to sell, get all of our stuff ready and print a map and driving directions for an event we'll be attending that weekend, wait for the HVAC people to come and do maintenance on our furnace, go to the post office, dishes, laundry, etc. It's not that I'm lazy and don't want to help or do stuff that needs done. I just sometimes feel like he wants me to get all this stuff done so he can "veg out" all weekend and not have to do any of it. But when I've already worked 40 hours by the time I come home Thursday night, I don't feel like I should have to bust my ass all day Friday as his personal assistant. I'm not a child and I don't like having to get his approval on how I spend my time on my day off. Maybe I'm way off base. :scratchhead:


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## pink_lady

And is he spending the two additional hours of 'off' time he has M through Thursday running around getting errands and chores done while you are still at work?

And why would it be your job to get his oil changed and sell his stuff on Craigslist?


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## Waking up to life

pink_lady said:


> And is he spending the two additional hours of 'off' time he has M through Thursday running around getting errands and chores done while you are still at work?
> 
> And why would it be your job to get his oil changed and sell his stuff on Craigslist?


Exactly, Pink Lady. Exactly.


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## EleGirl

I asked..... "How much does he do around the house? How much cleaning, cooking, shopping? " ... but got no answer. The answer is important to knowing your situation as you don't mention this.

You two work equal hours. It does not matter how much income you bring in ... even if you worked for minimum wage.. you work the same number of hours. 

The housework, chores, cooking, shopping should be divided 50/50. 

I can see that there are some things that it would make sense for you to take care of on your day off because that way he does not have to take time off work and make up time later... like wait for the HVAC guy. YOu can veg and do that.

But he can get his own oil change done on Saturdays or after work.

If he wanted you do do something for him on the friday he could ask nicely and not demand.

He is not being fair at all. 

I wonder if you could get the idea across to him by making up a list of all the things he has to do with his 2 extra hours, 4 days a week....and then demand he do them because he's off work and you are at work. 

If you went through this exercise with him he might get the idea.


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## The Cro-Magnon

I believe we are getting a fair and balanced picture of their situation from OP that is not at all one sided.

Honest.


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## Cee Paul

My wife and I both work and both share household duties buuuuuut, being that she makes more than double of what I make she insists that she calls the shots on anything & everything involving money. And during a few of our nasty arguements has even thrown the "well if you made more money and got your degree like I did" card at me!


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## EleGirl

Cee Paul said:


> My wife and I both work and both share household duties buuuuuut, being that she makes more than double of what I make she insists that she calls the shots on anything & everything involving money. And during a few of our nasty arguements has even thrown the "well if you made more money and got your degree like I did" card at me!


Geez... that's not right at all.

It's not the case however of what is going on with the OP.


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## Waking up to life

EleGirl said:


> I asked..... "How much does he do around the house? How much cleaning, cooking, shopping? " ... but got no answer. The answer is important to knowing your situation as you don't mention this.


Sorry EleGirl...he does some things after work like loading/unloading the dishwasher and going through the mail and paying bills online. But somedays, he's really tired after work and just wants to sit and put his feet up...and that's OK with me! I understand that and I don't expect him to stay busy the whole time til I get home just because I'm still working. 

And that's what I think is the crux of his issue: he seems to act like it's not fair that he has to "suffer" and work all day while I don't. Hence the "I work harder than you do" poor me game.


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## deejov

OP,
Much of what you have said is around what you feel he seems to think, and how that makes you feel in turn.
That can make one feel kinda bitter after awhile.

You could try to turn that around by nicely \ fairly having a conversation about all the things that need to be done and dividing it up. 

I would caution you to do it a way that doesn't come across as you making him feel you do more. Even if you do... the point is not to prove who does more and who is lazy... but to establish a "parternship" attitude. 

It's common in a lot of relationships for one person to do "more" than the other. It's not always 100% equal. But if you are feeling overwhelmed, then it's time to review the partnership, or let some things go. 

You do that by communicating to your partner. Otherwise you just end up feeling used and resentful. Compromise and communication.


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## AlmostYoung

^^^ Agreed. Then don't be so rigid that you can't do "one of his chores". You may be pleasantly surprised when he thanks you and returns the favor.

Stop keeping score of who's doing more. Compliment and thank him when he does a chore to let him know you appreciate it!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Does my husband do this? Heck no! I don't/can't even work and he does all the shopping as well as doing dishes a few nights a week after dinner. 

My ex h would and I was the breadwinner. He was always putting me down though. I left and for many reasons too.


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Waking up to life said:


> Sorry EleGirl...he does some things after work like loading/unloading the dishwasher and going through the mail and paying bills online. But somedays, he's really tired after work and just wants to sit and put his feet up...and that's OK with me! I understand that and I don't expect him to stay busy the whole time til I get home just because I'm still working.
> 
> And that's what I think is the crux of his issue: he seems to act like it's not fair that he has to "suffer" and work all day while I don't. Hence the "I work harder than you do" poor me game.


Does he actually say “I work harder than you do?” Or is this the impression you get from him.

I assume that you have discussed this with him since it sounds like you have in what you have written. Is that right? What have you said? How have the conversations gone? 
Does he ever thank you for the things you do? Do you ever thank him?

My impression from your posts is that you resent that he tells you want to do as much as, or more than then the fact that you do things on your Friday’s off. I can understand that. He’s not your daddy.

If you have been talking to him about this and it's just not getting through maybe you could write him a letter. I find that letter writing is a very good thing to do because you get your points across and he cannot interrupt you and change the direction the conversation. In the letter you can also be very careful of your words, using “Me/I” instead of “you”. You can explain (probably one more time that you both work the same number of hours). Explain to him that his ordering you to do things, instead of asking and understanding that you have the right to say no, bothers you very much.
You say that he does do some things after work on week days. Let’s assume that he uses half of his 2 hours a day to do things like dishes, paying bills. So perhaps you would use half of your day off to do things. That would see fair. 
In defense of him, I have worked 5 days a week for years with only weekends off. Now I have an agreement to be able to work from home Fridays & Mondays. The difference in my level of stress is amazing. Even though I’m working.. just being home, having my dogs around; my son (24) popping his head in for a short conversation between his classes at college, being able to put dinner in a crockpot, making my own lunch or doing the dishes on a lunch break… or even taking a short nap for lunch is amazing.

I generally work 10-12 hrs. a day if I’m at the office or at home. But at home it’s totally different. If I had one day a week where I did not work.. and still put in the 40hrs a week I’d be in 7th heaven. 

You are both right. You are right that you both work equal hours and it’s not right for him to dictate when you do things. But he is also right that having one extra day off a week gives you much more flexibility. If you meet him half way on this, and he you, your lives will be much better.

One example I can think of is to take his car for an oil change. While waiting for the oil change use the time for a walk. If it’s near stores go shopping.

It might help if the two of you saw a counselor to help you communicate and negotiate on this topic. A third party might help him understand your point of view and visa versa.


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## EleGirl

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Does my husband do this? Heck no! I don't/can't even work and he does all the shopping as well as doing dishes a few nights a week after dinner.
> 
> My ex h would and I was the breadwinner. He was always putting me down though. I left and for many reasons too.


My son's father used to do a version of this. Even when he was not working, even when he was in school (med school). Anything he did was important. His attitude was that anything I did was a sort of play.

When he worked we worked the same hours and earne about the same... both of us were engineers. But HIS job was important. Mines not.

When I later started a consulting firm and got goverment subcontracts and brought in more than both of us made before... my job in running the company and doing research was not as important as whatever he was doing. 

It's not that I wanted what I did to be more important. I wanted to be equally respected.

Eventaully I put him through medical school. He came out of it with no debt. I never got a thanks for that... not once. I never got any recognition for the stress I was under to run a company , be the sole provider and major care taker of our son.. nope.


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## RClawson

Cee Paul said:


> My wife and I both work and both share household duties buuuuuut, being that she makes more than double of what I make she insists that she calls the shots on anything & everything involving money. And during a few of our nasty arguements has even thrown the "well if you made more money and got your degree like I did" card at me!


My wife pulled this on me a couple times until I let her know if she ever brought it up again I would be taking 50% of what she made. Voila! I busted by a$$ for 15 years while she did the SAHM thing. I never ever even thought of bringing up that I brought home the bacon. I was floored the first time she did it.

OP the only point I see your husband may have is if there is a service, like the HVAC service, that is a M-F deal and it is most convenient for you to handle. The other things you mentioned are laughable. You can tell hubby I said so.


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## Hicks

Are you still sexually attracted to him?


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## DayDream

Sorta. Not like...looking for stuff I haven't done, but he'll always be like, "Oh...I had such a rough [week, day, month, year]! Can you do that cuz I've worked my a$$ off today!" even on days I work 10 hours...and I do hard physical labor and he sits at a desk at home.


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## EleGirl

DayDream said:


> Sorta. Not like...looking for stuff I haven't done, but he'll always be like, "Oh...I had such a rough [week, day, month, year]! Can you do that cuz I've worked my a$$ off today!" even on days I work 10 hours...and I do hard physical labor and he sits at a desk at home.


What kind of hard physical labor do you do? 


Working at a desk all day can be incredibly exhausting. Sitting all day is very bad for the body, causes circulation problems and makes a person get tired easily. Then if a person is doing things like writing, research, software development, making cold calls or client class.. it is exhausting. It's a different type of exhaustion than physical labor.

I sit at a desk all day. If I had it to do over again I’d choose a career that did not require sitting all day.. something that was physical because it’s better for the body and the mind.


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## Waking up to life

Just to clarify: I never said I think I work harder than him. I don't begrudge having to do stuff like scheduling repair men, taking pets to the vet, household chores, groceries, etc on my Fridays off. It makes sense that I should take care of some of these things simply because it's really hard to do some things on the weekend. 

My point is that he behaves as though if he has to work all day, it's not fair that I don't have to work all day too. Because he has to "suffer" at work all day, I should have to "suffer" too. I don't deserve to relax and do things at my leisure because he doesn't get to do that. So if he comes home and deems that I've not pulled my weight while he slaved away at work all day, he gets angry. 

Yesterday he asked me to order a couple of gifts online for our son for Christmas. Since I had some errands to run in town, I thought I'd check at a few stores and see if I could buy them there. None of them had what I wanted. Then I had a doctor's appointment, then I had to pick up my son from school. I got back home 10 min before he got home from work. I started the coffee pot and sat down to order the gifts online. H came home, immediately opened the dishwasher and groaned that I hadn't run it - it wasn't full enough yet IMO and there were no dishes in the sink. Then he asked me if I had ordered the gifts like he had asked. I explained that I shopped at a few stores first and they didn't have them, and I just got home, so as we were speaking I was ordering them. He slammed down his coffee, put his shoes and coat back on and headed for the door. I asked where he was going and asked "what did I do?" He said "What DID you do today?? It makes me furious that you can't do a few simple things I asked you to do..." 

Now do you all get the dynamic of what I'm dealing with?


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## Waking up to life

Hicks said:


> Are you still sexually attracted to him?


No. See my thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61910-husband-has-gained-100-lbs.html


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## EleGirl

Waking up to life said:


> Just to clarify: I never said I think I work harder than him. I don't begrudge having to do stuff like scheduling repair men, taking pets to the vet, household chores, groceries, etc on my Fridays off. It makes sense that I should take care of some of these things simply because it's really hard to do some things on the weekend.
> 
> My point is that he behaves as though if he has to work all day, it's not fair that I don't have to work all day too. Because he has to "suffer" at work all day, I should have to "suffer" too. I don't deserve to relax and do things at my leisure because he doesn't get to do that. So if he comes home and deems that I've not pulled my weight while he slaved away at work all day, he gets angry.
> 
> Yesterday he asked me to order a couple of gifts online for our son for Christmas. Since I had some errands to run in town, I thought I'd check at a few stores and see if I could buy them there. None of them had what I wanted. Then I had a doctor's appointment, then I had to pick up my son from school. I got back home 10 min before he got home from work. I started the coffee pot and sat down to order the gifts online. H came home, immediately opened the dishwasher and groaned that I hadn't run it - it wasn't full enough yet IMO and there were no dishes in the sink. Then he asked me if I had ordered the gifts like he had asked. I explained that I shopped at a few stores first and they didn't have them, and I just got home, so as we were speaking I was ordering them. He slammed down his coffee, put his shoes and coat back on and headed for the door. I asked where he was going and asked "what did I do?" He said "What DID you do today?? It makes me furious that you can't do a few simple things I asked you to do..."
> 
> Now do you all get the dynamic of what I'm dealing with?


Yea this is not good. He's out of line.

How much time in hours, a week, do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?


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## in_disbelief

You should tell him what my bf says to me when he has days off and doesn't wanna do anything: on his days off he is still tired and that is his time to recover from the stress of his job so he doesn't feel like lifting a finger. You do work hard and you are not being lazy, so he should be a bit more understanding.


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## gbrad

To answer the OP in a word: YES


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## deejov

I have a response I save for people who "ask" me to do things and get angry when it's not done....

"if it's THAT important to you to have it done by a certain time, you should do it yourself."

and

"It's your responsibility to decide what needs to be done in your life. If you want me to help with something, you need to understand that it will get done on MY schedule. If it's THAT important to you, I assume you will do it yourself".

And start saying NO. Seriously.


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## gbrad

deejov said:


> I have a response I save for people who "ask" me to do things and get angry when it's not done....
> 
> "if it's THAT important to you to have it done by a certain time, you should do it yourself."
> 
> and
> 
> "It's your responsibility to decide what needs to be done in your life. If you want me to help with something, you need to understand that it will get done on MY schedule. If it's THAT important to you, I assume you will do it yourself".
> 
> And start saying NO. Seriously.


But when in a marriage things are being done for 2 people. One person shouldn't be responsible for it.


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## DayDream

EleGirl said:


> What kind of hard physical labor do you do?
> 
> 
> Working at a desk all day can be incredibly exhausting. Sitting all day is very bad for the body, causes circulation problems and makes a person get tired easily. Then if a person is doing things like writing, research, software development, making cold calls or client class.. it is exhausting. It's a different type of exhaustion than physical labor.
> 
> I sit at a desk all day. If I had it to do over again I’d choose a career that did not require sitting all day.. something that was physical because it’s better for the body and the mind.


I'm sorry, Ele. I didn't mean to minimize a desk job. I should have thought of what I was saying before saying it. 

I work in a metal shop making prototype automobile parts, so a lot of heavy lifting of sheet metal, cutting, sawing, hammering, etc...


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## warlock07

Waking up to life said:


> Just to clarify: I never said I think I work harder than him. I don't begrudge having to do stuff like scheduling repair men, taking pets to the vet, household chores, groceries, etc on my Fridays off. It makes sense that I should take care of some of these things simply because it's really hard to do some things on the weekend.
> 
> My point is that he behaves as though if he has to work all day, it's not fair that I don't have to work all day too. Because he has to "suffer" at work all day, I should have to "suffer" too. I don't deserve to relax and do things at my leisure because he doesn't get to do that. So if he comes home and deems that I've not pulled my weight while he slaved away at work all day, he gets angry.
> 
> Yesterday he asked me to order a couple of gifts online for our son for Christmas. Since I had some errands to run in town, I thought I'd check at a few stores and see if I could buy them there. None of them had what I wanted. Then I had a doctor's appointment, then I had to pick up my son from school. I got back home 10 min before he got home from work. I started the coffee pot and sat down to order the gifts online. H came home, immediately opened the dishwasher and groaned that I hadn't run it - it wasn't full enough yet IMO and there were no dishes in the sink. Then he asked me if I had ordered the gifts like he had asked. I explained that I shopped at a few stores first and they didn't have them, and I just got home, so as we were speaking I was ordering them. He slammed down his coffee, put his shoes and coat back on and headed for the door. I asked where he was going and asked "what did I do?" He said "What DID you do today?? It makes me furious that you can't do a few simple things I asked you to do..."
> 
> Now do you all get the dynamic of what I'm dealing with?



Wow!!


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## lilith23

It sounds really unfair for the OP... She works the same hours as her husband, yet she has to do much more extra errands just coz she has one more day off? If he's really holding resentment for this, then he's so immature. But is it only just coz of this, or there might be any underlying problem? Like he feeling frustrated at work or so.


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## Waking up to life

lilith23 said:


> It sounds really unfair for the OP... She works the same hours as her husband, yet she has to do much more extra errands just coz she has one more day off? If he's really holding resentment for this, then he's so immature. But is it only just coz of this, or there might be any underlying problem? Like he feeling frustrated at work or so.


There are many underlying issues within our marriage. He likes to pretend there aren't by burying his head in the sand, but obviously it creates a lot of resentment on his part (and mine). He'd rather go on feeling resentful than to work on improving our marriage, I guess, because he won't go to counseling. I'm going by myself, but his refusal to acknowledge and address problems in our marriage isn't going to be allowed for much longer. After the holidays, we're going to have a MAJOR discussion about the future of our marriage, whether he wants to talk about it or not.


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