# Hurt, lost, and a little confused.



## The_Deployed_Soldier (Jul 3, 2012)

I have looked around this site alot and have not found anything similar to my situation. So I figured I would try posting and see what you guys have to say for me. 

I am have been deployed to Kuwait for about 7.5 months. My wife of 3 years who I love very much told me she no longer loves me and wants a divorce on May 22nd. Within a week I found out she is moving in with a coworker, and then within a month she is in a relationship with him. (She posted it on facebook). We havent talked very much since D-day. She says she works alot and doesnt have much time. 

It all started when she moved out of my aunts house and in with her parents and got her new job. Things were just fine for awhile, at the end of April things started pick up alot over here and we didnt get to talk very much. Ever since then our communication wasnt the same. Our skype conversations never turned out well, I just thought it was the time difference, and that one of us was always really tired. 

What I did find out was that she was making some pretty good friends at work. I was happy for her and let her know so. But when she started talking about them she really only talked about one guy. She only ever told me three things about him before I told her I dont think I am going to like her friends (I know REALLY bad move on my part) 1. he is ex military 2. The first thing he ever said to her was "I want you to sit on my face" 3. He kept telling her what percent chance I had of cheating on her. My intuition kicked in and thats why I told her that. 

Alot of our communication has happened over facebook because she "doesnt have time to skype"

D-Day: To sum it all up she is said she has been with me forever, she feels like she has been changing the way I am changing, she feels like this is the first time she has had to be herself, she doesnt want to follow on my coat tails, she doesnt want to hurt me, but she wants to be happy and she needs to do that alone. She says she has been living a different life lately and realized that she has been trying to be who I want her to be. She says she has to try and make her happy. She says she will always love me and care about me but she is not in love with me anymore. 

This is a letter I wrote to her because we havent been able to talk much and she has no idea what is going on with me. 

Sweetheart. I am hurt, I am angry, I am sad. My partner, my battle, my lover, my friend, the woman I promised to protect and take are of has decided to give up on me and our marriage. 
First of all i want to explain to you what I think is wrong with the past few years of our life. I dont remember living in vancouver that well, its hard for me to think about things that happened before the army, but I think we were having this problem then and it never got fixed and then it moved into our army/ married life. I have been emotionally unavailible to you. My major problem is that I have never needed a constant reminder of your love for me. This caused you to do things beause you do need that daily reminder of our love. It caused you to do alot of things such as make “peace” after a fight even when I was clearly wrong, Anxiously keep trying to make up when you were in the wrong because you cannot bear having me angry with you, and do more sometimes way more of your fair share of the housework, and so much more. There are other issues I have but I beleive that that is our core issue. [I hate to blame my parents, but we are young, and have yet to overcome the issues that we inherited from them. I know I have communication issues. ] I think its a natural thing humans do but we both lie to ourselves to make it seem like everything is ok. 
When you told me it was over and filing for divorce, it opened my eyes to alot of things. At first I was completely crushed and had no idea what to do or what to say. [makes since considering I have never really been dumped before, another issues with being young]. So all I did was try confessing my love for you and tell you I dont want you to go and cry. Then I moved to trying to tell you how I have changed. I believed I had because for the first time in I guess ever I have really been able to open up to people, I was even talking to guys about something guys dont really ever talk about, feelings. Now I feel stupid for doing so because our first skype conversation showed me that I really havent changed that much. I still have trouble talking about issues, I still get angry. After that I felt like there was absolutly nothing I could do, so I started to say things that you wanted to hear, thats when I told you for the first time that I am no longer trying to get you back. You know what, I have never stopped trying to get you back. There is not a day that has gone by where I dont think about you. It may not have felt like it to you, but that whole month where I didnt talk to you, I felt like I was fighting for you. I had no idea what to do, I was heart broken, I was lost, I was listening to anyone and everyone that I talked to. I was willing to do anything to get you back. Someone convinced me that the best way to fight for you was to get you to miss me. So I stopped talking to you. I realize now that that was not the best way to handle the situation. In fact I think it pushed you to your friends even more. That whole month you were on my mind almost constantly. I wanted SO bad to talk to you. But I had to keep fighting for you, so I said nothing.

I want her back SO bad. I just dont know what to do to do that. I will be going on R&R back home in a couple weeks. What should I do? Should I plan a really romantic date with her? should I just try and get her to talk to me over dinner? I could really use some help guys.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TDS, I'll be honest with you. She chose the other man, she chose to sleep with him and she chose to live together with him. So unless she realizes the grass wasn't greener over on the other side she won't be coming back to you. Unless their fantasy dries off nothing you do will change her mind. So at the moment forget about taking her out on romantic dates.

Have a look into their companies policies if they have anything against extramarital affairs. Once they're threatened with losing their job it'll be harder for them to keep the affair running.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

If you really want her back, that letter is about the worst thing you can possibly do.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Totally agree with Keko and Conrad. That letter will just about bury you. Romantic dates - pretty much a non starter, if she's all but moved in with this guy.

I'm ex military myself...always hate to see it when this sort of thing happens during deployments. Not sure what your movement details are...but if you could swing it, I'd sooner go vacationing. Dubai, Abu Dhabi both worth seeing and a stones throw away...Europe/the Med not so far away either. I'd go and have a good time and the hell with her. Kids obviously would skew your perception of that.

Question - Do you have any kids? If not....if I was in your shoes, I'd not even want to go back during R&R.


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## The_Deployed_Soldier (Jul 3, 2012)

I had a feeling I would be getting this type of advice. If nothing else I have learned alot from all her BS. It has caused me to do alot of soul searching and learning about relationships. 

No I dont have any kids. But I do have family back where she is at that are expecting me, I havent seen them in about 2 years so I kind of have to see them. 

Anyone know how to to divorce stuff quickly overseas? Our JAG here is terrible.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Start by calling/emailing attorney's in the state where you married or residing in. They'll give you a ballpark price/timeline of what it will take. You may even be able to get the ball rolling by faxing info to an attorney.

Other than that if you are sharing any back accounts or credit cards this will be a good time to remove her name or cancel them.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Keko has it. If you are going back anyway, I'd use the time to cut her off from all credit and finance (you can probably do that over the phone anyway - no need to delay that stuff). Sounds like she already has a job etc so can support herself. 

If you guys don't have any assets together it should all be pretty simple. If she reckons she is filing anyway and it is very straight forward....only thing I'd say is to go and have a chat with her and painful as it may be, agree with everything (unless she gets "demandy" in any way) - might not be any need for lawyers in this one. You could insist that as it's her decision, she file and pay. Oh - and whoever it was that convinced you not to talk to her if she's acting like she is - was right. In time, in your situation, you may well see you are getting a lucky break here - young, no kids, no built up assets. If you were doing the same thing 15 years down the line with kids, military retirement, house etc - it would a whole lot worse.


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