# My Last Thread on TAM



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Proverbs 15:15 "He that is of a merry heart has a continual feast".

I have spent my life trying to gain advantage and conquer things. I have sought property, material goods, degrees, a business, a wife and children. Why? Because this is what makes you happy of course, or at least so says the world. Is it?

I can see now that I won't truly be happy until I decide to be happy. I am no longer looking to things to make me happy. No recently, I have unfairly given that responsibility to my wife. In return she's given it back to me. 

Guess what, we have failed each other miserably. *It is my responsibility to make myself happy, and I will be as happy as I choose to be.* Yes it is a choice. It is my choice, and it is your choice as well Reader.

Psalm 118:24 "This is the day which the Lord has made and I/we will rejoice and be glad in it". The original rendering is we, but personalized it to "I" as every "we" is composed of a collection of "I's". 

So, as I glance over this board the one fatal flaw I see in its' contruction is that nearly everyone here has gathered up all of their reasons to be "unhappy", or "bitter", or "resentful" like kindle, and now they are looking to ignite a great bonfire of discontent. 

Trust me, with all of the "fires" I have started on this board, Smokey the Bear must hate me. However, this is not healthy, and as Smokey says "only you can prevent forest fires", be they in an actual forest, or in your personal life.

And with those words, the fool departeth the building. LIL


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Even striving for self created happiness won't work. The best thing to aim for is the joy that comes form acceptance. If you achieve that, you will have occasional bouts of intense happiness, but even when they wear off you will still be content.

Good luck


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

that's great advice LIL. Ive also heaved the burden of my happiness on my H's shoulders. Even in knowing it, changing my ways has been difficult. 

I'm also trying to hoard things in order to create happiness. but what you write makes a lot of sense. its something im just realizing and starting to work on.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree, once you accept our own actions and the consquences of our lives then I think we can get to some kind of peace and there are many moments in life we feel joy if we chose to, look around enjoy god's beauty and keep your needs simple....
I'm a positive person and I think this site has helped to understand that we aren't alone in this world with our experiences and that makes us happy to know we are not the only one feeling badly.
It helps to tell our stories, many feel it's easier to talk to virtual strangers than to talk face to face with people we know. here we can be totally open....It is like going to a therapist. 
There are a lot of caring people on this site and for me you can always get a different sex opinion, a husband's or wife's opinion to get a better understanding of the differences that men and women have in their thinking.....It gives us a little hope I guess, after all we are here trying to save our marriages if at all possible. you never know a little advice might help someone else.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

jessi said:


> There are a lot of caring people on this site and for me you can always get a different sex opinion, a husband's or wife's opinion to get a better understanding of the differences that men and women have in their thinking....


Yes this site has helped me immensely. God bless the internet.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if nothing else it is at least a place to vent frustration and learn from others. it has helped me form strategies to better my life and marriage. yeah, its negative sometimes, and i may be one of the worst on here. but thats just because of the phase of unhappiness i'm in. i suppose if and when i resolve my issues for the better, i may also leave, i am wallowing with the other unhappy folks on here. hopefully someday i wont find that necessary anymore


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> i suppose if and when i resolve my issues for the better, i may also leave,


when your wife sees that as a real possibility, it might unleash her sex goddess to you. But you might resent her for needing that much of an incentive. Human relationships are tricky


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is a greater, far more positive point to the board. Once you punch through the surface of everything that can go wrong in a marriage and relationship; loss of love, betrayal,addictions, misplaced or ignored priorities etc., the benefit of the site is discovering you are neither alone nor unique. And contributing here provides a guide and insight for others.
By the time anybody ends up here, the bonfire is already burning. What the forums can provide is means to extinguish them.

Making the simple but easily overlooked realization that each of us has ownership of and responsibility for the happiness in our lives is a perfect example.

I still firmly believe in love. But it is now a self edited view. There is no one true love. There is no one who 'completes me' there is no one that I can't live without.

I'm not wallowing. I'm hopeful and optimistic. It's important that people get to see what lies in the coal bed once the bonfire is out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Deejo said:


> I still firmly believe in love. But it is now a self edited view. There is no one true love. There is no one who 'completes me' there is no one that I can't live without.
> 
> I'm not wallowing. I'm hopeful and optimistic. It's important that people get to see what lies in the coal bed once the bonfire is out.


I like both of these little paragraphs. We are on the same page


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Meaning this in the most positive sense. I'm glad to see you move on for yourself.

Always welcome back if something new crops up.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

lastinline said:


> So, as I glance over this board the one fatal flaw I see in its' contruction is that nearly everyone here has gathered up all of their reasons to be "unhappy", or "bitter", or "resentful" like kindle, and now they are looking to ignite a great bonfire of discontent.


This forum and all like it draw those in difficult times. There are few here that came to it because they were in a wonderful relationship. We come because we are hurt, confused and looking for help. We feel better to find those in similar circumstances and sometimes those in worse. At times it's like a train wreck, we just can't help to turn our heads away or to mutter, I'm glad that's not me. Many leave because the damage is too great, the feat too difficult or the odds just cast against them. But fortunately some do leave because they have found the advice they needed, the support they craved or the inspiration to move on one way or the other. I consider myself very lucky that I have been able to recover my marriage to the point is is today. More work to be done for sure but greatly improved none the less. The forum helped me find some of the answers, some of the resources and books to read. It offered me a place to vent and gripe but also to joke and laugh. I found some good friends here also. People I have never met in person, spoken to or shared a beer with but they are just as real and as good a friends as those I share my everyday life with. And more importantly they gave me some of the soundest advice, kindest support and brutally honest sage I could have asked for. 

LIL, thank you for your story, advice and support to the rest of us on the board. You have battled a gallant fight in trying to recover your marriage. Many that come here are short lived on the forum. Not finding the advice they want or the instant solutions they move on. But you stayed, looking, seeking and trying. You have probably helped more than you know with your presence. I hope you stay around.

While I agree that we are all responsible for own happiness I will say that one of the things I have learned is that my own happiness is directly related to my wife's and hers to mine. By keeping each other happy we can create a perpetual state of happiness and satisfaction in our relationship. I wish had better understood this years ago and the whole jacked up mess could have been avoided. 

Best of luck all and bless.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> There are few here that came to it because they were in a wonderful relationship.


Yeah - like me!

I'm just doing everything backwards. I can say hand on heart, it definitely got better before it got worse 

But seriously folks, I have learned a lot about myself here and relationships in general. I'm not going anywhere.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

LIL,

I agree it is up to you to make yourself happy, and yes many members are here because of marital issues, but it has also been a resource for me personally to learn how others have handled certain situations.

Your post struck a chord with a book I just started reading...The Road Less Traveled...starts out: "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

I hope you decide to stick around.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well said swedish. Life is difficult and I do indeed accept that premise. However, I am of the belief that a lot of the difficulty we face in our lives, we either directly manufacture or invite in ourselves.

It never ceases to amaze me how many of us take off our own shoes and put on heavy boots as we prepare "to run the race of life." LIL


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I really like the posts here and LIL's especially. I align well with your point of view. Anger,unhappiness and other negative feelings are simply a resistance to what is. 
Eckhart Tolle books are awesome on this subject.
("A new earth" and "The power of now") are both kind of philosphy and touch on spirituality quite a bit.

If your waiting for everything to be in line with what you think should be and for somebody else to take responsibility for your happiness or deliver it... you MAY be waiting a while.

Accepting everything as it "is" as if you had chosen it, is a big first step but this requires years of practice and many never get there. Even if you do, there will always be life challenges and of course there will always be people around you trying to suck you into their misery because its how they identify themselves.

You could say that the forum is not healthy and it may be, but that too is a matter of perspective at a "point in time".

I don't care whether you stay or go... but you do have good insight and maybe you dont take something positive from this, but I see that many do, and seems you yourself have postitively influenced people even by this thread alone.

Thanks


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

No on the contrary 63Vino, I have found this board most helpful and cathartic. I am very grateful that I found this forum when I did, as it has been instrumental in allowing me to think through and navigate a very difficult and turbulent time in my life.

I'm not leaving because TAM has no merit or is unhealthy 63V. I am leaving because I need to direct my energy elsewhere, and that's a different matter entirely. LIL


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lastinline said:


> I'm not leaving because TAM has no merit or is unhealthy 63V. I am leaving because I need to direct my energy elsewhere, and that's a different matter entirely. LIL


Then you don't understand yourself. This IS the next piece of the puzzle. You're just too arrogant to see it. You're like the fish that went on a long journey to find the Great Ocean. You're already in in it.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

its just a forum, why all the drama?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Then you don't understand yourself. This IS the next piece of the puzzle. You're just too arrogant to see it. You're like the fish that went on a long journey to find the Great Ocean. You're already in in it.



Of course I don't understand myself MT. That's why my marriage is all "busted up". I at least understand that much. LIL


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have tried to leave this forum for a while, thinking I need to refocus my energies elsewhere, offline, taking actions to improve my marriage, and my life. True, I have cut back on my dependence and addiction to online relationships, but really I crave that special link to a supportive group, and a safe place to vent those bitter grievances about our spouses. I visit mostly to continue my journallike posts, but leave the drama behind. I no longer can keep up with everyone's personal stories, but I do wish you, LIL, the best of luck in whatever direction you take.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> I have tried to leave this forum for a while, thinking I need to refocus my energies elsewhere, offline, taking actions to improve my marriage, and my life.


Don't you dare leave!
​


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hello all. I have not been on here in a very long time. The reason being is that things have gotten much better for me with my marriage. I did want to let you all know, though that you all have been very helpful to me and as many of you on here have said; when I needed a place to vent this was it. I have been touched by many of your stories and many of them have helped me through some difficult times. Yes, I guess it is true when they say that "misery loves company" but even so; it is the ability to talk and communicate on here that has made a world of difference for me. I thank you all for your comments and stories; although many of them sad and terrible they helped me to cope with many of the issues I had.

I wish you all happiness and good fortune with your relationships in the future. And LIL, I understand why you are leaving the forum, but it would be nice if you checked in every once in a while just to say hi and let us know how you are doing.

As for me, I will be perusing through your stories every now and then and seeing how things are going here. If I can offer any advice as to how I managed my particular situation for someone in the same boat, and am able to help them in any way, I at least will feel as if I was repaying this forum for it's sincerity and care - pay it forward sort of speak. God Bless You All!


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