# Caught him sending suggestive email--help me decipher this



## wtlyn72 (May 24, 2010)

Hello,

I have to admit that I am not officially married yet, even though my bf and I have talked about getting engaged this fall. Im 37 and he is 47. Things are a bit more complicated for us prior to getting married since we are in a long distance relationship (1 1/2 hour drive). For the two years we've been seeing each other, we spend our time together on weekends. Up until now, my opinion is that we have had a good relationship, but I've always had a few red flags which have not been sitting well with me. I think my concerns started in the beginning of our relationship since he always seemed too good to be true (always texting with "I Love U's). With the excitement of us meeting in the early days, he opened up and told me a bunch of info on how he used to cheat on his long term ex gf and how he slept with a lot of women. This info was tied into him telling me how he was jaded in the past through his work (ex cop) and that never met anyone with the qualities I apparently have. After he told me this, I've always had this in the back of my mind where I felt I could never fully let my guard down. Flame suit on, but I figured out his password and logged into his email account periodically, which until now was pretty benign. Last Monday, I saw a sent message to a woman who he had a brief relationship with a video attached. This ex-girlfriend is now remarried. The video was taken with my boyfriend's cell phone of his computer screen and involved a guy fondling and exposing himself. There was no message from him in the email, just the video. Of course, I called him on it, and he keeps profusely apologizing and telling me it was a dumb mistake and related to an old joke. He shared the joke with me, and answered any questions I had. His take is that it is a joke based on something she shared with him on one of her relationships. He says it looks much worse than it is. He claims that he just sent it to her out of the blue and that he hasn't spoken to her, but I noticed she never responded with an email. I would think it was weird to get an email like that out of the blue with no explanation. Apparently their relationship turned into that of friendship where she would talk about guys. She would call him every 5 months or so. So, what should I think? This is the only email like this I found from him, but I want to make sure I am not over/under reacting. She lives near me so I don't think that he is physically seeing her. I can always locate him. Sorry, I realize this email is choppy and in need of some editing, but any advise/insight would be appreciated. T


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

wtlyn72, we women like to think we are special, but we're not. None of us are nearly so special as we allow our men to make us believe. He showed the previous girlfriend she was not so special as he told her. You know he had spoken similar sweet nothings. What you have is extremely rare, which is a man telling you how he is. Most don't confess to cheating or if they do, they turn it a million ways to blame her (whoever she is). Honestly though, I don't think you have real reason to worry with this incident. But boy are you keen. You are right to keep an eye out. And if he changes password now that he knows you have it, then I would really think something is up. So very few of us heed the red flags. We ignore them while being blinded by the great big altar we keep in the forefront of our mind. I can see you are not so hastily trying to walk down the aisle but want to be sure about your guy. Good for you!


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> wtlyn72, we women like to think we are special, but we're not.


Not true. Clearly you have not met the right guy because if I say someone is special I mean it. There is no reason to beat around the bush. 
As far as his actions. I would say good bye. If he is doing this, there is much more that you have not caught him on. His thoughts are clearly not focused on you but he is thinking with another brain.
My two cents.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I believe that he was honest with you about it and it is not worth throwing your relationship away. I think you should know each others' passwords for everything, it will keep things more honest/open and if he is willing to do it, he has nothing to hide.

It's not so you can go around snooping all the time, but to know that if he does ever change any passwords, that might mean something is up. 

Communication and honesty is key for you both right now.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

helpplease said:


> Not true. Clearly you have not met the right guy because if I say someone is special I mean it. There is no reason to beat around the bush. My two cents.


I cannot fathom your actions and behaviors that make you so defensive that you find it necessary to take my relative remarks so personally, as well think you "clearly" know I have not met the right guy. hmmmmm

That was uncalled for and completely out of context. I don't care what you mean when you say it, not you or any other guy. No doubt everyone means it when they say it, but obviously it is not nearly so true as the spouse/partner takes it to mean. Perhaps you have not read the hundreds of other threads from people whose spouse/partner are doing precisely what this young lady thinks her guy is doing. And perhaps you have not read the thousands of other threads where people are doing much worse than this. They all mean it when they say it and turn around to prove otherwise. My point was, despite the sweet nothings and meaning it when they say it, there can come along a sundry of motivating factors that cause the meaning, and meaning it when they said it, to change, leaving hurt feelings in its wake.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

I apologize. Just hit me the wrong way. Was not intended to be a personal attack, although it clearly reads that way.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Apology accepted and all is well.


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