# I want to be able to talk to my wife, please help me.



## ConfusedMale (Jan 13, 2009)

I don't know if I can talk to my wife anymore. She has told me if my son from a previous marriage wants to live with us and I let him, she will leave me. I have already answered her that I am going to do what's best for my son. My ex abuses him verbally I think b/c she resents me. I don't know how I can work this out with her b/c she has drawn a line. We are both on our second marriage and I really want this to work but I feel she doesnt care b/c she has said it. Can I get some advice?


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

wow ... tis is a very difficult position for you but at the end of the day kids come first in my opinion... but thats just me...

How old is your son ? and she obviously is not fond of him is there any reason for this or is it just because he is from a previous marriage.?

That is terrible that your sons mother verbally abuses him as it can be very damaging to a child and for someone to not want to help this inoccent boy is pretty sad.You are 100% in the right with answering that you will do whats best for your son, and shows that you are a caring dad.

do you really think that she would leave?? How would you feel if you left your son in the situation of verbal abuse and years down the track he asks you why ? 
I


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree you were right on target with telling her you will do what's best for your son. I am baffled that as a woman, she would not want the same for your child. I think the only way to work this out in a positive way is to get her on board with parenting. I would recommend talking to her about how important it is for your son to have you in his life and how she can actually be a great influence to him as his step-mom and help shape him into a healthy adult (I'm assuming he's still a minor) If she is mature enough to look at the positive she can be in the situation (whether he lives with you or not) and can be convinced that this is not a threat to her or how you feel about her you can work this out. However, if she is self-centered and immature (wants all of you) this will be difficult going forward...if she is already at odds with your son and he's not even living there, she needs to grow up or it will not be a good situation for him or you. Unless she did not know about your son until after you married, she got into the marriage knowing full well she would be gaining a step-son in the process and she needs to step up.


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

You need to take care of your son. Period. He is your responsibility and his future happiness depends on you being the best parent you can be. If your wife doesn't get that, do you really want her around your son anyway? Maybe you and your son would be better off without her.


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## ConfusedMale (Jan 13, 2009)

Thanks everyone for responding. Pink, my son is 12 and my wife and I have been married only 2 years. My son has a very gentle and caring personality. We had been getting along pretty well until my wife decided to stop communicating with him b/c she knows how messy my ex is and she thinks my ex will try to report her to child protective services for a phony charge and the mess is hard to get out of, so she would rather just go. I have tried and tried to get her to think positive, but she is a negative thinking person.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The additonal info. helps to see this from your wife's perspective. What is your relationship with your ex like? It sounds as if your ex has some issues, whether it's being upset about the divorce and/or your remarriage or something else. If you are on speaking terms it may be the best route to go, trying to get through to your ex that you understand the situation isn't ideal, but you really want what's best for your son. My ex remarried 2 months after we divorced, and my first thought was to get to know her and be on friendly terms so that my kids adjusted well. We email frequently and while we mainly talk about my 3 kids, we also talk about her son from her first marriage when she is having struggles or their daughter they have together and even work, etc. It can be difficult for kids to adjust to 2 homes, 2 sets of rules, etc. so I respect their way of doing things where my kids are concerned and any issues are discussed between the parents. I remarried several years later and wish my ex had the same respect for my husband that I have for his wife, keeping the kids best interest in mind, but not everyone is that secure with themselves to do that. I am grateful that my husband is consistenly a positive influence for my kids and really cares for them. I hope there is a way for you to get through to your ex.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ConfusedMale said:


> she thinks my ex will try to report her to child protective services for a phony charge and the mess is hard to get out of, so she would rather just go.


Positive thinking is a fool hardy approach in these situations. Realistically, it sounds like your ex has some serious issues that can potentially threaten your wife's life. i think your wife is thinking realistically for her own safety, and if your ex would really do things like the above mentioned, then i think it would be best for your wife to leave. perhaps you are not validating her concerns and realizing the potential damage your ex can do to her.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

You are your sons world ! if he has any chance off happiness with you then of course he has to come first.
your wife must understand this and you shouldnt be resented for it .
May be she worrid about the strain it will put on your relationship and you need to talk about that ..but kids come first always. if your ex is that dangerous then he needs to be with you now.


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## ConfusedMale (Jan 13, 2009)

Thanks again everyone. ltseng, I have validated the fear she has but I believe right prevails, therefore if some BS stuff is fabricated by my ex, we will prevail b/c everything is kosher here for my son.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Unfortunatly in the courts, right doesn't prevail in the US. Especially when it come to kids. Just this week, the court ordered unsupervised visitation for my 8 yr old son. The same son that made a police report that was witnessed and substantiated by two other people that my ex told my son to shoplift or he would beat him. This has happened over 40 times in the last two years. My son just now came forward with the info. My ex also molested my retarded daughter for three years, something else the courts overlooked. 

So do NOT believe or trust the courts!!

Like you, I used to believe in the power of the truth. no more.


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## ConfusedMale (Jan 13, 2009)

You were ordered unsupervised visitation?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

While there are many things wrong with the courts, it sound to me like your wife is using that as an excuse to not complicate her life with your son. Since you didn't have custody of him before, she took you only and not the child as a package deal ... but that was wrong of her. She's being selfish making you choose between your child and her. I would let her walk if that's what she needs to do, but do what is right by your child. Any woman that would take that stance is not a woman worth keeping.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*ConfusedMale* I don't think you've mentioned it, but does your Wife have kid(s) of her own? If not, then that's why she can't sympathize with your position. 

My most recent ex had issue with my Son, even though he is the most loving sweet kid and never warranted any negative treatment or ill will. I didn't have a chance to deal with the situation at all though, because I didn't find out till we were already broken up but still living in the same house, so I just took it in and walked away. A non-issue given I was on my way out and her opinion about my Son did not matter anymore.

Remember that with women, sometime, the issue you think is the issue may not be the real issue. What I mean by that is, women (sometimes) will pick a fight about one thing when something else is bothering them. She might see this situation as an opportunity to force a break-up and blame it on you and your Son. Women like coming out the good guy or the victim when things go south. 
Example: My ex told everyone that I left her for a younger woman (true) but failed to add the fact that she had dumped me a year prior in hopes of hooking up with some guy she met through a car club she belonged to and was having an *E*motional *A*ffair (EA) with on the internet and only decided to stay with me because he turned out to not be as good looking as me when they finally met. 
I did leave her a year later because I never got past her betrayal. I was pretty much the perfect partner to her, her family and friends all loved me, and I never gave her a real good reason to dump me without looking like a jerk, until I did finally leave her, coincidentally for a younger woman.

You say you've only been together 2 years, you never know, she could be looking for a way out and is using this thing with your Son to make it your choice. Like I said, you have to read between the lines with women.


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## ConfusedMale (Jan 13, 2009)

Thanks MsLady & Carmaenforcer, your comments are well taken. This leads me to think about other matters that may be involved. However, since my son is 12 and he has already hinted that he wants to be with me/us, I am going to move that forward and see what ACTUALLY happens b/c like I said at first and everybody posting here has agreed, I have to be there for my son.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

It seems to me the primary issue here is that you and your wife aren't feeling able to really talk with each other. I really believe that a couple who can be completely open and honest, trusting each other with their feelings can overcome just about anything. I have to believe this, my marriage is hanging almost entirely on this belief. I would encourage you to focus on the communication issue and then you can deal better with the other.


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## ConfusedMale (Jan 13, 2009)

Your right Don, communication is lacking. I wish that she were more open and honest about things but because she thinks things wont change she keeps most of it to herself. I on the other hand, believe that things can change even for the better but you have to have teamwork. You said your marriage is hanging on by communcation but what did your wife cheat on you?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

ConfusedMale said:


> You were ordered unsupervised visitation?


You are definably one confused male. 

I have CUSTODY of my son. 

My EX got SUPERVISED VISITATION.

any more questions?


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