# Where would you rate the severity of emotional pain caused by infidelity?



## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

I remember reading article, though I can't find it to link, that mentioned infidelity being one of the worst types of emotional pain one can feel. It fell behind molestation, rape, and the death of a loved one.

I've experienced an unexpected death of a loved one and abandonment from a parent. And infidelity tops the list. 

So according to my experience I would rate infidelity as the most severe pain I've ever experienced in my life.

So this question may be a bit personal. To those willing to answer, where would you rate emotional pain caused by infidelity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pretty much the worst emotional pain. But there was some physical pain, too.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> What kind of physical pain?


The boulder you carry around in your chest? For me it was the worst emotional pain I ever experienced by far.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Easily the worst. But I've never been raped or molested. I imagine those could be higher. 

Death of a loved one is lower, IMHO. I think the main reason for me is that it has finality. The deceased doesn't come back to haunt you. The betrayer sticks around, whether on purpose because you try to R, or by accident just being alive somewhere.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Never been molested. 

I'd have to say rape is intense pain and the after affects last a lifetime. I was raped by my wife. It was not the same as a woman, but felt what I believe must be similar. 

I did receive forced treatment by a dentist which has ruined my teeth and changed the way I talk. I was held in a chair by a huge man with a paper mask and a labcoat. My wrists were held by an assistant. It was as much like rape or molestation as I can imagine they would be.

My dear mother died last April. My father passed in 1986. She had dementia and cancer. She wasted away. I was devastated because I did not have the ability to comfort her in the manner I would have liked to, simply because of the devastation laid on me by the infidelity, separation, and divorce. 

I experienced something I have difficulty describing, which has affected, even my thinking and directly relates to very high blood pressure when I received a phone call with the sound of my then newly separated wife giving a man fellatio. 

I think I would have to rate those in this order:

1. phone call

2. dentist

3. separation

4. rape experience

The trouble with this is, one sort of set the scenario for the greater than normal devastation caused by the next. In order of what happened in my life on a timeline, it would be:

1. rape experience

2. separation

3. phone call

4. dentist

I'm not certain and this is not to be considered my only answer. It's difficult because they were all so hurtful. I didn't even mention the infidelities which occurred during the marriage. I wonder how many responses you will get? I'd like to read them.

Edit: There were other things as well. I have not mentioned any of those. There were many betryals and surprises. It would take a while to list all of them. They all played a part in my devastation.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The sting of infidelity is as strong as the love felt for the betrayer and will last as long as that love remains. For instance, I could care less what my ex did or did not do. It just doesn't matter. But it mattered then. I imagine the BS who reconciles will continue to live with pain on and on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Philat said:


> The boulder you carry around in your chest? For me it was the worst emotional pain I ever experienced by far.


Yep. Like a huge weight in my chest. Really strange.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Would rather not think about it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I've had a messy break up with a long term girlfriend. I lost a close grandparent (expected) followed by my brother (unexpectedly) within a month of each other. I cracked my head open as a teenager in a biking accident. 

But by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life was when I THOUGHT my wife was cheating on me. And it turned out ok, looks like now. But for weeks I didn't eat, didn't sleep, couldn't get any real work done, had this perpetual ringing in my head, lost a lot of weight (silver lining there I suppose). It encompassed every thought. Can't even imagine how I'd feel if I found out she had actually cheated. I'll take door #3 and another bike accident please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Painful terminal illness. It's been a year for me and still feels like the pain will end when I end.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......definitely the most intense physical and emotional agony & despair that I ever encountered.

....I can tell you that I hurt ....a hurt that I would never wish upon my worst enemy. 

.....yet ...to this day ...I have difficulty in putting a description to what the physical pain feels like. I'd have to say that it us like you're drowning ...with lungs filling with water that has the viscosity of honey. It's that feeling that you get in your lungs after a prolonged day of swimming ....or after an intense session of uncontrollable sobbing .....all while 10 people sit on your chest.

.....I don't know of ...or have ever experienced another situation where emotional pain ...turns to physical.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Like a lot of you others, what my skanky XW did sexually to her lardass BF doesn't really make a "tinker's damn" in my eyes. It's the outright deception, uncaring betrayal, and subsequent abandonment, that literally continues to rip my soul from the core of my body!

I can only hope that she lives long enough to experience first-hand such a cruel, cruel pain, and to know exactly what it was that she put me through!*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Death, except for your child, can be understandable. The betrayal of infidelity cant be comprehended because the one that had your back destroyed you with little thought. It can totally mentally and physically break you when you are betrayed, stabbed in the back by one so close.

It never completely stops, even after decades you can trigger, long after you don't really care, just be going over it in your mind.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I recall some years ago Dr. Harley talking about a colleague of his that had been gang raped by 4 'men' prior to her husband's adultery a few years after. She told him that her husband's betrayal was by far more painful than the rape.

As for me, I just felt like the life was being sucked right out of me. To be honest, I don't think there will ever be enough words to describe that. And my marriages weren't near as long as most on here, and no kids (of my own) involved. I really feel for the 20+ years married folks with children.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Like a lot of you others, what my skanky XW did sexually to her lardass BF doesn't really make a "tinker's damn" in my eyes. It's the deception, betrayal, and abandonment, that literally rips my soul from the core of my body!
> 
> I can only hope that she lives long enough to experience first-hand such a cruel, cruel pain, and to know exactly what it was that she put me through!*


I understand that desire. My case is different in that I don't want my ex to pay or get hit by the Karma bus. I just want her to be a good mother to our kids. I don't think she's good wife material but she did okay co-parenting our boys. I feel bad for her husband though.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> I remember reading article, though I can't find it to link, that mentioned infidelity being one of the worst types of emotional pain one can feel. It fell behind molestation, rape, and the death of a loved one.
> 
> *I've experienced an unexpected death of a loved one and abandonment from a parent. And infidelity tops the list. *
> 
> ...


Agreed.

Like you, my childhood was a rough one and I treated mine like a jail sentence.
Living under a roof with 2 raging alcoholics for 20 years? _Not even close._

Losing my best friend in a car accident? _Not even close._

Losing my mother to her alcoholism at the young age of 54? _Not even close._

My ex's A was hands down, the WORST I've ever felt in my life.
My heart physically hurt with every beat and would've preferred 
a physical beating by a group of thugs.

In short, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> In short, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


Except for your ex's affair partner, right?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yep. Like a huge weight in my chest. Really strange.


Matt, what made that weight go away (assuming it's gone)?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Philat said:


> Except for your ex's affair partner, right?


I'd choose physical, never ending pain for that POS.

Someone who bangs married women has no capability of feeling emotional pain.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

By far the most painful, most significant emotional event in my life.

Second is the almost loss of my daughter by a fall. That fall left scars that will be with her the rest of her life. She is on medicine she can never quit.

Third are some deaths that I will not go into detail. 

The trauma and scars of infidelity can never be overstated.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

To put this concept in a different way....

Which would be more traumatic?

A) watching your friend die unexpectedly, or
B) watching your friend bang your wife unexpectedly?


Some may disagree, but I'd say B, because in A only one person would be dead to me.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> By far the most painful, most significant emotional event in my life.
> 
> Second is the almost loss of my daughter by a fall. That fall left scars that will be with her the rest of her life. She is on medicine she can never quit.
> 
> ...


John--on first reading I skipped over the "almost" in the second paragraph and my heart stopped for a second. My heartfelt sympathy to all of you. For everything.


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

I have to say that infidelity caused more pain both mentally and physically than my other horrible life experiences. I have experienced rape, molestation and other forms of abuse. The aspects that are so awful are
1. The others who hurt me were never trusted or loved by me, my husband was given 110% of my love and trust
2. I honestly wanted to die Dday - I didn't because I did not want to do that to my mom. I had never felt that ever before
3. You can't take a hot shower and wash their infidelity off 
4. The one person I had always gone to for love and support was who caused the pain, creating an emptiness in my soul and life that I cannot describe
5. I experienced several months of intense physical pain that no pain pill or doctor could alleviate. Diagnosis - psychosomatic pain - yes it is real and brought me to tears when I wasn't crying otherwise
6. two years later I still have daily reminders tho I have better coping skills
The most painful thing that can be thrust into your life is infidelity when you thought you had a good marriage. The death of my father was not as painful because he did not betray me by dying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Philat said:


> Matt, what made that weight go away (assuming it's gone)?


When her affair ended and time helped.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

It's an indescribable amount of pain. Worse than I ever thought possible. My wife also left me for her affair partner, so that makes things even worse. It's been 9 months but I can still barely function. I suffered from PTSD for about 6 months. I don't have kids with her, so I'll probably never see her again. It eats at my soul every second of every day. I wish the torment would stop.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> It's an indescribable amount of pain. Worse than I ever thought possible. My wife also left me for her affair partner, so that makes things even worse. It's been 9 months but I can still barely function. I suffered from PTSD for about 6 months. I don't have kids with her, so I'll probably never see her again. It eats at my soul every second of every day. I wish the torment would stop.


Brokenman, My belief is that damaged self esteem is what eats at you.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I have lived through all the abuse anyone can imagine. I have survived when others would have fallen. This betrayal is the worst ever. I was also subjected to a beating during disclosure triggering my past. This is far worst as this was done "to me" by the very person I trusted the most. This is the person that said he loved me, cherished me, forsaking all others and sealed this with a ring and a marriage contract. It hurts to think that someone I believed loved me would even think to hurt me like this "_knowing the consequences._" _Deliberately_ causing this kind in pain for someone they claim to love hurts the most. So how could I have judged this person so completely wrong? :scratchhead:

I know the abuse done by my parents or family as a child should rate up there but it doesn't as your suppose to have trusted them too.


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

I believe the defining difference in the pain that we feel from infidelity is by far the worse pain ever simply because of the lost trust, the broken commitment, the lack of respect, the lies, & ultimately, the no love. 

All other experiences, although may have exhibited some form of one of these, do not combine this many acts of betrayal, which is why I feel hurts more than anything else...


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I am NOT speaking on behalf of other rape/molestation victims. I am speaking for me. Having suffered the trifecta of rape, molestation and adultery.

My step-dad was a pedophile. The molestation was traumatic but still not the worst pain. When my mom died at age thirteen, that pain was horrendous. 

I was date-raped at a party (I partied a lot to get rid of the pain from my mother's death). I was so desensitized - probably because of my step-dad and also the drugs and alcohol I was ingesting to really feel anything.

Wayward Spouse's affair and abandonment? Now that was the most gut-wrenching thing EVER. 

My rapists never promised to never rape me. My WS promised to never cheat. My mother didn't die on purpose. My WS sought out to cheat on me and leave me whilst pregnant. He did this on purpose. Having his family gang up on me in support of him too just made it worse. When I was date-raped, my assailant got his just dessert via a beating by my sister's friends. My stepfather was charged and dealt with and outcast in society by all that knew. My WS had the full support from mommy, sister and brother behind him to push me and our kids while we were down.

I would have to say:

1. The Betrayal
2. My mother's Death
3. Molestation
4. Date Rape

In terms of how I experienced the trauma of these horrifically painful events. 

I also think that with a betrayal such as infidelity, you suffer more in some ways because you're not allowed to. Society says, "just get over it." They'd never say that to a grief-stricken orphan or rape victim. In those situations, you're allowed to hurt. There is a time limit for those dealing with infidelity or divorce. So you suffer in the closet.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My wife, the mother of my children, my beloved who I was to be with till one of us passed away died that day. The problem was her body didn't and the thing which inhabits it now is not my wife.

I buried my wife long ago. It would have been easier to move on if she had truly passed away I think. I do wish her the best of luck and I hope that one day she actually finds happiness.

The pain was severe. I lost 30 lbs in 10 days and slept 7 hours in a week. It also forced me to look long and hard at myself and I have made tremendous improvements in who I am and want to be.


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