# Need advice



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi
So i have posted in the past like a year ago and at that point my relation ship with my wife of 8 years wAs rocky. Since them we have worked on things and both sex life and relationship have improved. But recently things have taken a dive... Here is the story...

In may i got into med school which has been my goal for many years! I started school in September and at the same time my wifes 18yr old sister came to live with us from her country for a year to study. 
My wite quit her job 2 years ago almost to stay with kids. So we have been bickering over responsibilities alot and it has escalated. Med school provides amazing funding and with that I support our entire family (even her sister) but med school is a little more demanding then my previous 9-5 job, i actually stay late atleast 3 nights a week to study but have done so to have all weekends fully free for mybfamily.
basically she says i dont so enough around the house...i try to help but am mentally exhausted after school getting home at 9 pm 3 days a week And would prefer just to conversate. I do dished make breakfest before i leave and make sure all finances are always in order. 
In the past 2.5 months we have not done anything as a couple!
And worse no plans for a getaway even though her sister could watch kids for a weekend....
Obviously no sex! 
Im feeling depressed and not to mention i have made no real friends at school as i am older and have a family soncannot always hangout with them ...
I feel i do my share, it is uust different than her contribution but we both contribute
I actually dont know what to do... I plan to man up, make plans more often for the 2 of us but what else!
When i approach the topic, she says everything is fine or just states she expects more from me! What really i feel im doing alot, medschool, kids, doing as much as i can around the house providing for my family?
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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I should mention that i feel my contribution isnt valued...and i believe we have come a long way since last year... Last year we were broke in debt an lost our car. Now we have paid that off, bought a car and are freer with funds. Now i realize money isnt everything but it is important when last year we simetimes had no $ for food/groceries...

I feel totaly excluded these days... I come home and there is anger and my wife doesnt even talk to me(in front of sister), even says i dont do anything which. precipitated the last argument. I feel resentful!!!
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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> Hi
> So i have posted in the past like a year ago and at that point my relation ship with my wife of 8 years wAs rocky. Since them we have worked on things and both sex life and relationship have improved. But recently things have taken a dive... Here is the story...
> 
> In may i got into med school which has been my goal for many years! I started school in September and at the same time my wifes 18yr old sister came to live with us from her country for a year to study.
> ...



You are providing for your family, including her sister (which is not your responsibility!), you are working in getting an education, you are dedicated to what you do, and you also help her a little around the house. 

You are doing your part. You are sacrificing your time with your family, to get more education and better job to provide FOR THEM. So you all can live more comfortably. I really do not see what is the problem with this. It's not like you are going out and party with your friends.

Stop being a "mr. nice guy"! Be assertive and establish boundaries. Its not ok to be so utterly ungrateful of your efforts!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Part of the problem may be that she doesn't see light at the end of the tunnel. Can you explain to her your schedule (time you will have off, end of your studies) so that she has something to look forward to?

Also, the disrespect needs to stop. I would explain that if she calls you out in front of her sister and refuses to stop doing that, then the only solution is for sis to go.

BTW - is sis contributing anything to the household?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thx for the replies... Her argument is that she too works (ie running the house) and i agree that it is alot of work but i feel that yes she does laundry and cooks and cleans but she is physically at home sonit is easier to do that then if you are at school and then at 10!come home and are aksed to do stuff. To be honest and maybe im being lazy but when i come home after 10-12 hours of intense learning snd studying there is a huge part of me that doesnt want to do anything ( i just dont wantto!) usually what i do do is cleanup dishes if i come home early enough play with kids /bath/ pj / put them to sleep... Not much house compared to her but in my mind that is justified by me school work ... Which i see as work as it is the reason for our better financial position this year and an investment in our future.
I feel im doing enough but would like some opinions of whether it is not enough... Her argument of we both work and thus you need to do more around the house frankly bothers me...it makes me feel as though im just doing nothing!
Her sister does watch kids from time to time if needed or picks them up from school but thats it!
I have tries to have a conversation about the not going out as a couple thing, the calling out, the tasks but she doesnt wantto have them she insists that are both working and thats it...sees no issues with our relation ship
To be honest when i come home recently... I feel like a sucker! 
For the record i dont go out with my classmates or anything because of family responsibiliites ...iam trying to balance things but now am constantly feeling unbalanced and not valued 
I mentioned te other day that im not doing nothing, that i am supporting my family while going to school and she actually took offence to that and said the WE are supporting the family and it is her staying at home that allows me to go to school (it totally in my mind sounded like im going to school for my personal enjoyment and nothing else-actually straining the family rather than working for a better life!
Opinions... Maybe some women could comment??
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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I gave you my opinion as a woman. You are not lazy! But she sounds demanding.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I mentioned te other day that im not doing nothing, that i am supporting my family while going to school and she actually took offence to that and said the WE are supporting the family and it is her staying at home that allows me to go to school (it totally in my mind sounded like im going to school for my personal enjoyment and nothing else-actually straining the family rather than working for a better life!


Were the two of you in complete agreement about you going to med school? It doesn't sound like it.

I get the opportunity and that you're excited to do it, but timing is everything. Maybe she's not on board with it because to her it DOES look like you're taking more from the family for your personal goal.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

And did you sit her down and tell her everything you are telling us?


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Were the two of you in complete agreement about you going to med school? It doesn't sound like it.
> 
> I get the opportunity and that you're excited to do it, but timing is everything. Maybe she's not on board with it because to her it DOES look like you're taking more from the family for your personal goal.


Well when we met she knew my goal, supported me in mybpursuit reasonably and so i guess yes, but we never really sat down. I mean a person needs to make a living and this is how i want to do it from simply a job perspective. Speaking of hours worked. I currently do not work more than last year when i held 2 jobs to pay the bills sonits not like all of a sudden im a ghost and i am totally home onbthe weekend and couple week nights just like before...i mean i still have to work so iite no different
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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If she's not contributing financially, then tell her you'll contribute more around the house as soon as she starts contributing more to the household finances. If she contributes 10% of the household income, you'll contribute to 10% of the household chores. If necessary, make a list of all the tasks that get done and list the amount of time to complete them in order to figure out what that 10% might be. 

I'm with the others who said don't get into the Mr. Nice Guy mentality here. What each of you brings to the table right now isn't equal at all. That's fine if you're both okay with it, but she's claiming she's not ok with it. You will have to find a way to measure and quantify those contributions or she'll keep demanding.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> Well when we met she knew my goal, supported me in mybpursuit reasonably and so i guess yes, but *we never really sat down*. I mean a person needs to make a living and this is how i want to do it from simply a job perspective. Speaking of hours worked. I currently do not work more than last year when i held 2 jobs to pay the bills sonits not like all of a sudden im a ghost and i am totally home onbthe weekend and couple week nights just like before...i mean i still have to work so iite no different
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The bolded is the problem. This med school isn't free... working two jobs is different. You're working to accumulate assets, not taking assets from the family financially. Mentally you're withdrawn too. The focus has to be intense with your studies, and while that's to be expected, the TIMING of you doing this probably isn't favorable for your family.

Just because you want to do something doesn't mean you can or should. When you first met, things were probably very different. Your family structure wasn't how it is now. Your responsibilities have changed.

This is something that has to be mutually agreed upon, even if you think it's a good thing for your family's future and see the benefits, your wife on the other hand may not be on the same page.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Its not free but our finaces have drastically improved due to grants scholarships -theres immense support here in canada for med students plus it helps asses in future even more... Im even less withdrawn than before because less financial strife but u might b right
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## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

My stepdad gave me the best advice I had ever received a few years back. He said a "family" is the parents and children. Everyone else outside of that was "kin folks". For a family to thrive, don't let "kin folks" move in. IMO I would get the sister out of the "family" home asap! If you cannot get her out quickly, I would make her earn her keep. She should do at least 1/3 of the work in the house and pay 1/3 of the bills. As far as your wife, I would tell her what you expect of her and her sister. I would give her a list of the household things you are willing to do and do nothing more than what is listed. I am a SAHM and I am taking some classes, I may not get everything done everyday but it is doable. All I expect of my husband is to do the yardwork and take out the trash. Everything else I can manage, even with kids. If she doesn't like the idea, tell her to get a paying job and use the $ to hire a housekeeper. Either way she has to do some kind of work. It sure doesn't do itself!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> Its not free but our finaces have drastically improved due to grants scholarships -theres immense support here in canada for med students plus it helps asses in future even more... Im even less withdrawn than before because less financial strife but u might b right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How old are you? You wife sounds a tad bit immature.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are in med school. Just getting in is a rare achievement. You are surviving in med school. That's worthy of praise and admiration. If it's so easy, why isn't she in med school? This is a case of delayed gratification for anyone with half a brain. Struggle through med school now and you both reap the financial rewards later. There is no better use of your time than studying at this place in your life. 10 years from now, studying hard today will mean the difference between a six figure income or passing bags of burgers through a tiny window for minimum wage. She would rather see you folding socks than with your nose in a book? She has kids. So do lots of women who work. She also has an adult sister residing with your family. She's not being asked to construct the house anew each day, just maintain it. Sure, it's work, but going to med school isn't a trip to Disneyland. No doubt, she intends for you to graduate and earn huge bank. When you do, she will consider at least half of your earnings to be her rightful property though nobody's life will be held in her hands. She won't rush to the hospital at 3:00am to cut people open. Would she agree that as a highly paid physician, you would have the right to share your money with her only when you're in the right mood, when all stars are in perfect formation, when you are intensely happy with her? If not, why does she believe she has the right to deny sex? You provide for her because you are her husband. You provide according to her needs, not according to your emotions. She doesn't have to earn it or deserve it. It's your job to support her because you married her. She has duties as well and they are no less real or important. If she can't contribute equally in this partnership, it's much cheaper to get rid of her now than it will be a few years after you graduate. You spend all day hanging out with current and future physicians and nurses, all of whom are paid substantially more than an unemployed stay-at-home mom. I imagine some aren't all that hard to look at. Your wife may wish to tone down her demands and reevaluate her situation in a realistic light.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I just had a thought...

If your wife's primary love language is acts of service then the things you do outside of the house (including school) isn't showing her love.

It's all about what each of you perceive from the other. There's 3 sides to it. Yours, hers, and the truth.


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## ConfusedWifey86 (Nov 6, 2012)

i cant believe how your wife is reacting to you... you are doing your part as far as I can see... your going to med school to better yours and your families life!!! and you do things around the home and do things for your children, you wife simply doesnt know how good she has it!!! my husband has been of work since may and doesnt do a thing around the house or with the kids really!! she needs to wake up!


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

ConfusedWifey86 said:


> i cant believe how your wife is reacting to you... you are doing your part as far as I can see... your going to med school to better yours and your families life!!! and you do things around the home and do things for your children, you wife simply doesnt know how good she has it!!! my husband has been of work since may and doesnt do a thing around the house or with the kids really!! she needs to wake up!


Thanks everyone for your opinions i feel supported! And feel i am not totally wrong on my interpretation of things... I have felt like its been bottled up for a bit now

Just to clarify, she doesnt expect me to be at home rather than studying just that when im home inshould be DOING stuff. Last weekend was her first weekend at her new part time job (casual on weekend) and this blew up because the kids' room wasnt cleaned up to her liking and she basically stated that she expects the house to be ... I dont know how to phrase it... Up to the same standard as when she is home... I simply said that we look at things differently and just like toys on the floor of the kids room doesnt bother me, when she doesnt handle the spending like i would that diesnt bother irks her, but irks me BUT, and i told her this today, i respect her enough to not make a big deal a out those kinds of small things!

I also told her that she cannot call me out in front of anyone especially her sister... 

She is/was really upset because i had mentioned that i support us when she said i do nothing! IIt bothered her when it is the truth... Where else is the money coming from? I feel she is sensitive to this! She countered this the other night by saying that we contribute equally and if it wasnt for her, i wouldnt be able to study! it ended there but when we talked today i mentioned that although i wouldnt be able to study with out our temwork without her, without my work/school she wouldnot have the opportunity to stay home with kids and work if she wants to ie optionally...

These past few weeks have taken a toll on my mind and i am sorry if i sound resentful... I actually am angry at this...but j realize that to make any progreess i need to let that go!
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## ms.beesknees (Sep 26, 2012)

Quick question if you are supporting the sister what is she doing to help the houshold? Just so you know I have been on both sides and staying home with kids is always harder than going to school or work. You are being pulled 100 different ways, taking care of everyone and it is very isolating. I think you should both sit down and make a list of household responsiblilities and divy them up. That includes giving the sister some responsibilities. And take turns making plans for the two of you to go out. Have the sister watch the kids. But dont feel like you are not doing your part, you obviously are. But sit down and talk about what jobs each of you can handle, and if possible and needed hire help..
I do know though that little things like chores can really take a toll on marriage. The 5 love languages book is also great if you havent read it. Check it out. Hang in there


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## FoolMeOnce (Oct 16, 2012)

You both work very hard. Maybe she just needs a break but can't take one because everything won't get done.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Make up a schedule and explain that you fully expect her and her sister to get it done before you return home. 

It is ridiculous that the two of them combined can't do basic housework and cooking in 3-4 hours. The rest of the time is for the children. 

Your wife is telling you to work without break from start until sleep AND she isn't having sex with you. 

I would be polite and tell her that perhaps she might want to try an alternate arrangement. You will get an apartment close to school and come visit when possible. And that you are considering finding a nurse to split the rent with. 

Why is your wife treating you like her servant?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I just had a thought...
> 
> If your wife's primary love language is acts of service then the things you do outside of the house (including school) isn't showing her love.
> 
> It's all about what each of you perceive from the other. There's 3 sides to it. Yours, hers, and the truth.


I think this is a critical point to keep in mind.


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