# How to handle this?



## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

Like I said in my introduction, I don't know where to turn so this a bit of a rant. I can't tell my family because I don't want them to hate my DH, also they usually don't share anything about their lives with me. I can't discuss this with my DH because he'll usually turn it around or start attacking me about something not relevant to our conversation, which will usually end bad with me getting upset and leaving the house. He's not a bad guy, but things have been building up for so long. Usually I just ignore it because I have to. Anything that even smells a tiny bit like criticism (even constructive) he'll go on defense/offense mode and turn things around and get the heat off of him. I keep most of my feelings inside till I eventually explode and then we get into a huge fight, with nothing solved. Forget "counseling" because its mostly totally worthless, very expensive and we're dirt poor right now. 

I've been marred...I mean married for about 20 years or so. At first DH was fun, we'd go places! We'd actually do things. Then we moved to our present abode and slaved away building our own house while both holding down full time jobs. It was crazy, but after 3 years we did it and left the city. Yay!! :grin2: We had some kids. Now, we no longer do much of anything, and I'm not exaggerating.

I almost feel like a single mother. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad guy. He helps sometimes with stuff, he pays the bills and does the taxes. But, he's got some "addictions" that I recently found out about AGAIN, completely by accident. But, he rarely goes anywhere with us. He doesn't have a job (I don't nag him about this). He has been "looking" but so far nothing. We're in a serious financial black hole. He hardly does anything with us, oh wait, no we *did *actually do something together this year, we went to a (free) pool for a few hours. That was a once in a blue moon kind of thing. The last thing we did anything together (except going to see his mom together months ago) was in 2014. It was a "free" movie in the park. I've mentioned for years about us just going to a drive in movie with the kids. I mentioned this a few times over the years. This has not happened. No surprise. So, if the kids are going to do anything resembling fun, it's up to me and my family to do it. I think I have the most *BORING* husband in creation. 

He seems to be so selfish at times. He's incredibly lazy now, which he blames on me. He says that it's "my fault" because I started "slacking off" when we got our house finished. But, it's not finished inside, there is one room that is kind of finished, it's got a floor and I painted the walls and ceiling. But he won't finish the plumbing. We have to run up and down the stairs 2 times to do laundry because he won't hook it up to the water line. We don't have a sink in the bathroom, he won't finish that, so we use the plastic knobs in the bath tub. I don't nag him about this either. it's got to become a "crisis" situation before he'll do anything it seems. Our youngest couldn't go on the floors for over a year because he didn't do the flooring. It was particle board and that is impossible to clean. 

if he wants to build something, he will do it. it's not that he can't, he just won't. I finally got a single wooden "shelf" by the window because my 20th plant got blown off by the wind and broke the last terra cotta pot I had. 

All building aside, and the fact that we are almost broke, he sleeps all day sometimes. He's been doing this for years. At first I thought he was depressed and he couldn't sleep. Then a few days ago I happened to check the memory left on the 'puter. It was almost used up, so I downloaded a program to delete a bunch of temporary internet files. And guess what I found....a boatload of videos hogging up the space. Yep, porn videos. Tons of them. I saw when they were viewed, and they were mostly PM and early AM. So, I figured that was why he's so "sleepy" during the day. Usually I would have started yelling at him, but this time I didn't. I just told him what I found that was clogging the Disk space and acted like it was no big deal. But, I am sick of him looking at porn. I found some porn disks that he lied and said someone "left' in the bathroom. Yeah. Sure. I'm not unattractive or overweight or refuse to have sex with him. I try to keep myself clean and well groomed. Whenever I find this junk (I don't go looking for it, it seems to fall in my lap like a lap dance), 

I feel betrayed, like he doesn't appreciate me at all and the things I do for him. I don't think he'd cheat on me. I don't cheat on him, though I've had several guys come onto me but I never did). I even started getting jobs cleaning houses so I can buy food and gas to drive to work and take the kids to church. I feel so angry. Instead of him busting his butt and actually looking for a job, he surfs porn all night. 
We have never taken a family vacation ever. Now, we have no money to do it. He "borrowed" money from his mom to pay our property taxes. 

There are other things too. I'm just feeling so used and feel like a dupe. I finally told him I'm still mad at him today. I don't think he cares. 

(edited)
I heard one time that 70 percent of women said they wouldn't marry their spouse again. I can believe it. 
If it wasn't for the kids, I would seriously consider leaving him. This is just one of the things he does. It sounds trivial, but he's very hard to live with. He's got a temper and he's a hypocrite. For example, I started staying off the computer because any time I'd go on it (like once a week!) for a few hours, he'd come downstairs (the computer is in his room, we sleep separately but that's another story) and start asking when I was going to get off of it, so I would just stay off of it. He's on it all the time of course, now that I know why he's on it (he always said he was "checking for jobs/emails), he doesn't want to stay off the computer now. 

I have to watch what I say and how I say it. I'm always the one who's "screwed up". If I make a mistake I never hear the end if it, he always brings up things I did wrong if we argue. He'll bring up something that happened 20 years ago! I usually walk away from him when he's yelling or getting mad or saying mean stuff to me, but sometimes I just have enough and give it back to him, which is when we have huge fights. He really depresses me. He's sympathetic to himself, mostly. But, he's not a totally awful guy. 

I just feel like I'm totally drifting away from him. If I didn't still love him I'd take the kids and leave. I just feel like our life is an absolute go nowhere do nothing zero. He barely does anything with the kids. I had to teach them how to ride bikes and basically do everything that they know. He is so apathetic! 

Since we don't have much money, he has to cut wood so we can heat the house. Last year he didn't even get enough wood, so he spent all winter getting wood that was wet and frozen. 

I think I have the most boring marriage ever. I don't want to divorce him since I don't think he's cheating on me, but I feel so dead inside and depressed. He doesn't seem to care that we've been in a rut for 20 years, but I do.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Yikes. 
From the outside looking in do you want a viciously honest opinion? If he’s not depressed or addicted then he’s just lazy and entitled. And I’m sorry (it’s the Canadian in me) but you have allowed this to happen to a certain extent. Have you tried counselling? Many offer it on a sliding scale based on income. My gut instinct says boot his sorry butt out the door and reclaim your life now, while you still have time. But I’m new to this board and I’m very interested in hearing what some of the more seasoned TAM members say.


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

Hi Aquarius. 
I'm wondering about your take on how I "let" this happen. Also, as I stated we don't have money for counseling (barely enough to pay our bills), I actually got my degree in psychology so I know what a bunch of worthless "professionals" most (but not all) are, and I don't have the cash to go from one useless dud to another.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I know you say you don't want to leave him over this. Why is that? You say you feel dead inside and depressed. I can tell you that your children definitely know you're feeling the way you are. If they can't have a father who wants to be included, do fun things, be involved in their lives...don't they at least deserve a mother who is truly happy and healthy, both physically and mentally/emotionally?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

jennymurdock said:


> Hi Aquarius.
> I'm wondering about your take on how I "let" this happen. Also, as I stated we don't have money for counseling (barely enough to pay our bills), I actually got my degree in psychology so I know what a bunch of worthless "professionals" most (but not all) are, and I don't have the cash to go from one useless dud to another.


One of the things I hear over and over is that we have to take responsibility for our part in these issues. We determine how we allow others to treat us by what we allow and what we reinforce.its when we begin to realize our own worth that things really shift. I think that’s happening with you now, as you are fed up and looking for some suggestions here. And while I completely respect your opinion on getting outside help, you and I know that not all counsellors are duds. And as I said, not sure if it applies to your area, but we have professionals who charge on a sliding scale based on income. A pastor, priest, local Public health unit?


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

A while back, I read that 'men see actions, but don't hear words'. I don't remember where. But that seemed to ring true for many of the relationships around me, and my own. I can tell my husband that I am fed up, almost the point of leaving him, that I am really really serious, that this behavior can't continue on...but then I go into the kitchen and make dinner for us...he reasons in his head....'Well, she made dinner for me, how mad could she really be?' He translates the words I said into my just blowing off some steam, and sees the act of feeding him as my true intentions. 

So I think what Aquarius might be saying (and what I would think as well), is that until you show that there are true consequences for laying around, not getting a job, not helping around the house, watching porn when you find it distasteful, not being proactive in family outings...then he is just going to simply keep up with that behavior, and you it will be as though you are allowing it. What those consequences are, well, that's up to you. It could be shutting him off from your personal life and living it as though he is not there, it could be telling him to move out, it could be you moving out. But if you don't wake him up to how serious you really are, then you are wasting your youth and time and staying unhappy, and that's not fair to anyone really.


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

Hi Hubby,

I'm actually expert at hiding my depression. The kids usually don't know anything about the problems, though they have seen some knock down fights, which I really regret them witnessing. DH isn't like this 24/7, if he was I would have left him a long time ago. This is just a lot of stuff that has built up over the years. He can actually be nice to me sometimes. He does help repairing the cars when they break down. He even goes shopping sometimes. 

Also, if I left him, this would destabilize my kids. My DH does love them, even if he doesn't do much to show it. I don't have a stable income and I don't know where I would even go. My father is sick with cancer. My mother died a few years ago. My only sibling lives halfway across the country and we don't get along with each other much, and she's got her own life and work.


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

Hello Aquarius,
Thank you for clarifying. I live in the US, so we don't have anything like that. The church I go to doesn't really "do" that sort of thing, they are Bible based and I don't know what they would say, one time I told one of the deacons about a fight I had with my husband and he was less than supportive, so I clammed up. I could talk to the minister, but I don't want to complain. I know others have it way worse than I do.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

jennymurdock said:


> Hi Hubby,
> 
> I'm actually expert at hiding my depression. The kids usually don't know anything about the problems, though they have seen some knock down fights, which I really regret them witnessing. DH isn't like this 24/7, if he was I would have left him a long time ago. This is just a lot of stuff that has built up over the years. He can actually be nice to me sometimes. He does help repairing the cars when they break down. He even goes shopping sometimes.
> 
> Also, if I left him, this would destabilize my kids. My DH does love them, even if he doesn't do much to show it. I don't have a stable income and I don't know where I would even go. My father is sick with cancer. My mother died a few years ago. My only sibling lives halfway across the country and we don't get along with each other much, and she's got her own life and work.


It's very sad that you have to live a life that you have to hide the depressive feelings you have. I'm sorry that that is your reality. Divorce is most definitely a game changer, but sometimes necessary and sometimes not. 

What are his excuses and reasons for not going out when you and the kids go out somewhere?

How old are the kids involved?


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I know you say you don't want to leave him over this. Why is that? You say you feel dead inside and depressed. I can tell you that your children definitely know you're feeling the way you are. If they can't have a father who wants to be included, do fun things, be involved in their lives...don't they at least deserve a mother who is truly happy and healthy, both physically and mentally/emotionally?


Hi Hubby,

My kids aren't old enough to know what is going on in my head, luckily. I try to do fun stuff with them as much as I can. I can usually shake off the depression after awhile. I also operate under the "it could be worse" umbrella. He doesn't beat or abuse them, he doesn't drink (though it's because it would make his stomach sick) and we haven't lost our home to taxes, and we do love each other, though it is tough sometimes. I just guess I have come to be resigned that this is the way my life is and I have to just deal with it since I do not see any better way out right now. I do appreciate all your comments, everyone's comments.


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> A while back, I read that 'men see actions, but don't hear words'. I don't remember where. But that seemed to ring true for many of the relationships around me, and my own. I can tell my husband that I am fed up, almost the point of leaving him, that I am really really serious, that this behavior can't continue on...but then I go into the kitchen and make dinner for us...he reasons in his head....'Well, she made dinner for me, how mad could she really be?' He translates the words I said into my just blowing off some steam, and sees the act of feeding him as my true intentions.
> 
> So I think what Aquarius might be saying (and what I would think as well), is that until you show that there are true consequences for laying around, not getting a job, not helping around the house, watching porn when you find it distasteful, not being proactive in family outings...then he is just going to simply keep up with that behavior, and you it will be as though you are allowing it. What those consequences are, well, that's up to you. It could be shutting him off from your personal life and living it as though he is not there, it could be telling him to move out, it could be you moving out. But if you don't wake him up to how serious you really are, then you are wasting your youth and time and staying unhappy, and that's not fair to anyone really.


Hello ILO (love your avatar!),
I love your comment too- I never thought of it that way. I guess that would explain that until thing get into a "crisis" that he never would do anything. But, the problem is, even with some 'crises" he still returns to his old ways, he just tries to be sneakier I guess. He hid his old porno mags somewhere (I don't really look for them), but I don't know what could be the "consequence" for him not doing and doing the things he does. I have considered just leaving him and the kids for a day and going somewhere, but he'd most likely counter that by calling up my father and telling him I left. There was an instance a long time ago when I left and he had no idea where I was, so he went and called up my mom and got her all worried. My dad has cancer and does not have the strength to get involved with anything right now. Once years ago I got so fed up with things I ran out of the house and was going to walk up to the highway and throw myself in front of a big rig. He grabbed me and wouldn't let me do it. So, even though there is a crisis or something it eventually "blows over" and things remain the same as they were. 
Your suggestion is a great one, I just do not know what I could say as far as an ultimatum that would get him to see reality. He's not a bad guy, but things are just so UGH right now.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Yes, thanks Inside. That’s what I was trying to convey. And I learned something too. It’s actions, not words that impact my husband. I’ll be implementing that new info TODAY.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

jennymurdock said:


> Hello ILO (love your avatar!),
> I love your comment too- I never thought of it that way. I guess that would explain that until thing get into a "crisis" that he never would do anything. But, the problem is, even with some 'crises" he still returns to his old ways, he just tries to be sneakier I guess. He hid his old porno mags somewhere (I don't really look for them), but I don't know what could be the "consequence" for him not doing and doing the things he does. I have considered just leaving him and the kids for a day and going somewhere, but he'd most likely counter that by calling up my father and telling him I left. There was an instance a long time ago when I left and he had no idea where I was, so he went and called up my mom and got her all worried. My dad has cancer and does not have the strength to get involved with anything right now. Once years ago I got so fed up with things I ran out of the house and was going to walk up to the highway and throw myself in front of a big rig. He grabbed me and wouldn't let me do it. So, even though there is a crisis or something it eventually "blows over" and things remain the same as they were.
> Your suggestion is a great one, I just do not know what I could say as far as an ultimatum that would get him to see reality. He's not a bad guy, but things are just so UGH right now.


Uh, yeah, he IS a bad guy.

His wife is ready to throw herself in front of a big rig and he doesn't improve?

He has babies in the house and a plywood floor with open windows with no glass?

I would say that you need to set standards for him to change but the things you describe? Even if he DID change, would you be able to get over the resentment for how he has used and abused you all these years? How this man possibly be good for your children to be around? Is "he doesn't beat them" the new standard for raising well adjusted children?

Are your parents a problem in that like the Deacon at the church they will just expect you to humor him no matter how poorly he treats you and how little he does to care for his family? You don't have to burden your dad. You can just call and say "Jim bob and I are having problems, I'm staying at a friends for a couple weeks." so they don't worry.

I undersand you are very depressed. How could you not be? But reading your posts, they're filled with all these horrible things he does and all the things he does not do, and then you making excuses for him or excuses for why you have no power, no control, over your own life.

Who cares what the church you go to thinks? It would be nice if you could get support from them, but if you can't, don't let them hold you down. I had a friend in her 50's who was married to a raging alcoholic who bankrupted them and so many other things that alcoholics do. He really was a nice, friendly guy. But it's no fun to have your bank show you video tape of your husband emptying your account from the ATM when he just told you you must have been hacked... ANYHOW, she wanted to leave him and her church talked her out of it. They ended up divorced years later anyhow, but not until after she was a bitter, miserable woman.

If you have the children you can get some government assistance. But how can it be worse financially without him than with him if he isn't working? One less mouth for you to feed.


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> Uh, yeah, he IS a bad guy.
> 
> His wife is ready to throw herself in front of a big rig and he doesn't improve?
> 
> ...


Hi WW!
Ha, that's pretty astute observation. Actually there is no reference to open windows or glass. 
I guess it sounds like I'm being wishy-washy and defending him and making excuses for him. 

I just don't see a good solution out of this. Leaving him wouldn't help, I'd get stuck in HUD housing with a bunch of degenerate neighbors, with the kids having no dad at all. Church won't help because well he won't even go to church at all, and I don't see them having any solutions either. If I had a good option I would take it, but I don't. Like the joke goes: 

A woman bursts into her house and yells to her husband, "I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The husband is all excited! "For where, the beach? The mountains???"

Wife says, "I don't care where, just get the hell out!"


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

jennymurdock said:


> Hi WW!
> Ha, that's pretty astute observation. Actually there is no reference to open windows or glass.
> I guess it sounds like I'm being wishy-washy and defending him and making excuses for him.
> 
> ...


LOL, I was skimming parts and thought your plants kept falling to their death from a window sill due to the wind because there was no glass in a window. (I was thinking that's a pretty strong wind!)

How are your children doing? Do they walk on eggshells around him or is that just dad who pretty much ignores them and they seem fine?

If you can't/won't leave physically, can you do it in spirit? Just check out of the marriage mentally for your own emotional sake? I just think it might be better for your mental and emotional health to not try to get any support/love from him.

Things like the stupid porn stuff -- could you put child blocker software on your home internet (to protect your husband from himself, LOL) or even do something that shuts the internet down when you go to bed? Why should he get to surf porn on your dime when he's not helping out? 

It sounds like it is as if you are a single mom, just with a man living in the house, on the couch. Could you start developing a social life of your own -- or take the kids places on your own? Free, Cheap places. Can you tell him flat out you are not physically leaving because of the economics but you no longer consider the two of you a married couple and you're going to start living your own life and he can figure out what he wants to do?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Reading your story....my recurring thought is: turn off the internet. He's addicted. He's hiding his head in the sand. Stop letting him.

You're doing everything while he does nothing. Some would call that enabling (I have been an enabler so don't take this as judgment but more of an observation).

You're broke and have a hard time putting gas in your car? How can you afford the internet?  Perhaps he should earn some money if he wants it turned back on.

Wake him up and give him NOTHING ELSE TO DO.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You're the one who is going to have to make the effort for change as your husband,as you've described,won't. Have you thought of exploring how to make use of your degree in psychology?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennymurdock said:


> Hi Hubby,
> 
> I'm actually expert at hiding my depression. The kids usually don't know anything about the problems, though they have seen some knock down fights, which I really regret them witnessing. DH isn't like this 24/7, if he was I would have left him a long time ago. This is just a lot of stuff that has built up over the years. He can actually be nice to me sometimes. He does help repairing the cars when they break down. He even goes shopping sometimes.
> 
> Also, if I left him, this would destabilize my kids. My DH does love them, even if he doesn't do much to show it. * I don't have a stable income* and I don't know where I would even go. My father is sick with cancer. My mother died a few years ago. My only sibling lives halfway across the country and we don't get along with each other much, and she's got her own life and work.


If you do not have a stable income, how are you all being supported? Is there some savings you are draining?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many children do you have and how old are they?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Would just telling your husband what you expect done by the end of the day work?
No arguing/yelling, just say -- honey, I'm out all day. I need you to clean the kitchen and the bathrooms before I get home. 
If he gives you grief, ask him what else he is doing -- since he is not working.
In all fairness, he is NOT a great guy -- a man has a responsibility to support his family, and he is not doing that. He sounds very immature.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

How much equity is in the house and land?

If H can't get his head around the fact some things must change in the M perhaps tell him you're ready to sell the house, split the money, and take separate paths.

Maybe see a lawyer and a realtor to acquire some options' information and act on the info as you decide.

It would be great if H would eliminate porn, get a job, change some ways etc.

Do you see that happening? 

If you've reached the point of no, in your mind, this is over and pls don't resign yourself to a lifetime of misery.

Things will only get worse. Believe that. What isn't getting better with time even if only small things, are getting worse.

Try and be objective about the facts of life you've been observing. Do one more try if you want to but realize nothing will change unless someone changes, either if you.

Eventually there will be a blow up by you or him. That's coming, don't think it isn't. 

Good luck.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

I would say that you need to set standards for him to change but the things you describe? Even if he DID change, would you be able to get over the resentment for how he has used and abused you all these years? How this man possibly be good for your children to be around? Is "he doesn't beat them" the new standard for raising well adjusted children?


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