# What to do?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I left an abusive marriage 6 months ago. Kids are ds, 22, dd, 14. Son wanted to stay with his father in the family home. I found a place blocks away from the house within 3 weeks and started visitations with dd, 50/50. She loved the new place at first, but her dad worked on manipulating her. He let her get piercings, allowed her to swear, told her that her dog was sad without her, let her stay up till all hours and would feed her lies that the couldn't buy food because I would not give him enough money. And he would tell her I was rude because I don't reply to his texts (they are abusive texts about me being a walk away mother, and bad Christian). I have been advised by my family doctor and IC not to look at his emails, they are all manipulative and hurtful.
Fast forward, she now lives with him and does not respond to my calls or emails. On FB I see that she is going down a bad road with boys and possible pot. She is failing her courses badly, she got an 18% in one of them and a 25% in another.

I saw 4 lawyers, they told me she is too old to start a custody investigation. But to stand by and see her become a possible addict and pregnant tears me apart. 

I did what I could. I provided a safe place for her, I told her she could stay with me full or part time. I just don't know what the next step is. Dealing with my ex is a nightmare, he recently came into my workplace when I was off, and told my coworkers that I was depressed and my kids don't talk to me.

He can't be dealt with in any civilized manner. He went to see my dying dad in hospital and bad mouthed me until my dad, who is all of 130 lbs with cancer ordered him to leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Believe it or not, I know a woman in a worse case than yours.

The best thing you can do is have real rules and real dignity and real consequences any time she comes to your house. SOMEone has to show her what quality life looks like. Will she switch over? Maybe, who knows. But your job at this point, if you can't prove abuse or endangerment, is to be the parent who is steady, with morals, and who won't be their friend, but their parent.

It may not happen until her 20s, maybe even 30s, unfortunately, but eventually, she will realize you took the right path and will reconnect with you.

There is nothing you can do without legal intervention that will get her to give up 'fun' at this point. There just isn't. 

And your doctor and IC are right - ignore him and his abuse.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She says on her FB that I left her and the family. And she does not answer any texts or want to see me at all. It's beyond painful.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Also her dad told her that her adoptive mom gave her up but kept her brother. This upset her very much as I could see on her FB posts. I feel so bad, I was the one that wanted to adopt, that did all the work raising her and supporting her. My ex didn't even want to help with her homework or bother with her. Until now. He knows the kids are my soft spot, as they should be. 

I may as well be living on a desert island, that's how alone I am. 

I don't know how to live alone without a family. I just don't. And I will miss all her high school years. Her first date, her first prom. If she even goes. I failed her as a mom. I should have not returned when she and I left last year for 5 months. She did not want to return, but he and I did MC and he seemed so much better. And was for awhile, then it all started again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indiecat said:


> She says on her FB that I left her and the family. And she does not answer any texts or want to see me at all. It's beyond painful.


You're an adult. She's a child. I get that you want her to want you, but she's a child. She's reaching for the ice cream for every meal, which is normal child behavior. Stop taking this personally. Be the adult.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't know what you're going to miss out on. Watch for child endangerment, live a dignified life, mail her letters every week, and tell EVERYONE (it'll get back to her) that she always has a home with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And start going to therapy.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I am doing a lot of therapy. Also going to the Abused Women's Center for group starting next week.

I'm going to have to learn to cope with being alone and get some sort of life.

I am going to see a lawyer next week regarding a custody assessment. Yes she is on the old side to do this, but it will make my conscience feel clearer to know that the matter has been looked into. Not totally sure this is the right thing, but I feel that she is getting all Yes when she should be getting some no's. What do you think about this idea T?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

indiecat said:


> I left an abusive marriage 6 months ago. Kids are ds, 22, dd, 14. Son wanted to stay with his father in the family home. I found a place blocks away from the house within 3 weeks and started visitations with dd, 50/50. She loved the new place at first, but her dad worked on manipulating her. He let her get piercings, allowed her to swear, told her that her dog was sad without her, let her stay up till all hours and would feed her lies that the couldn't buy food because I would not give him enough money. And he would tell her I was rude because I don't reply to his texts (they are abusive texts about me being a walk away mother, and bad Christian). I have been advised by my family doctor and IC not to look at his emails, they are all manipulative and hurtful.
> Fast forward, she now lives with him and does not respond to my calls or emails. On FB I see that she is going down a bad road with boys and possible pot. She is failing her courses badly, she got an 18% in one of them and a 25% in another.
> 
> I saw 4 lawyers, they told me she is too old to start a custody investigation. But to stand by and see her become a possible addict and pregnant tears me apart.
> ...


If your ex went to your work and interfered with your work environment then you can get a restraining order against him. And you should. That will at least document that he is doing something illegal, which will be considered to be unfavorable and at least provide a document trail for his behavior should your daughter ever need you to make a custody case. Immediately forward all emails he sends you to your attorney. He or she can then send a letter to your ex (and his legal person if he has one) insisting that this type of contact stops, and referencing the emails and phone calls (forward vm to attorney as well.) If he continues this is also harassment, even stalking since he went to your work. Further instances can have him arrested under anti-stalking law. Then he will have a record...maybe not such a good choice of a parent. Be certain he will probably try to come after you for support if your daughter is with him full time...

This is not really a time when you want to be passive, but be smart and strategic about being active. In this case, you can be a little bit passive and try to let him think he is getting to you, he will present more of his worst behavior, let him dig his own hole, and fall in.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, how can I be smart and strategic? I have her FB records, I have his emails and texts. I have texts where son says dad said they have no money to eat (despite him getting over 4 k a month a no mortgage). I also have the police occurrence report number when he texted a suicide text to his OW, the police came to our house looking for him, he made some story up about having a bloody nose and just hitting the first number on his cell phone, the police didn't charge him but they knew what was going on. I also have his aids test that he had done during the marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indiecat said:


> I am doing a lot of therapy. Also going to the Abused Women's Center for group starting next week.
> 
> I'm going to have to learn to cope with being alone and get some sort of life.
> 
> I am going to see a lawyer next week regarding a custody assessment. Yes she is on the old side to do this, but it will make my conscience feel clearer to know that the matter has been looked into. Not totally sure this is the right thing, but I feel that she is getting all Yes when she should be getting some no's. What do you think about this idea T?


Well, I would never have let my D go live with my ex in the first place, so I'm not a good person to ask, I guess.

At this point, however, if you do get her back, even 50/50, you are going to have to do a LOT of training in raising a child from a professional to learn how to handle a teenager who has lost respect for you. If you don't, she'll just continue doing what she does at her dad's, except she'll be doing it at YOUR house and daring you to stop her. You've been weak the whole time, so she has no reason to listen to you. Are you prepared to do that much work?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indiecat said:


> Thanks, how can I be smart and strategic?


By hiring a bulldog lawyer and doing what he says to do.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I was strong enough to walk away from abuse. And to provide a home and rules for her. She's not 2 years old, I had no legal right to keep her from her father, none. You saying you would not have let her live with her father is b.s. That is not how life works. You have to have physical abuse against the CHILD to keep her from her other parent. When the other parent offers a home with no rules and badmouths his ex all the time it's a very hard situation to be in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I said I wouldn't have let her just go LIVE with him. I would never have stopped him from getting 50/50 custody. Big difference.

And I would have used a lawyer to ensure she stayed with me at least 50% of the time.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

indiecat said:


> Thanks, how can I be smart and strategic? I have her FB records, I have his emails and texts. I have texts where son says dad said they have no money to eat (despite him getting over 4 k a month a no mortgage). I also have the police occurrence report number when he texted a suicide text to his OW, the police came to our house looking for him, he made some story up about having a bloody nose and just hitting the first number on his cell phone, the police didn't charge him but they knew what was going on. I also have his aids test that he had done during the marriage.


Re-read my post. Call a pro bono legal hotline (try 211 if you can't find one online) and ask about how you can get a restraining order so you won't be harassed at work. Usually it involves going to the local court and getting a form, then filling it out. If the judge finds that it has merit, then you can get a restraining order. Sometimes you need to notify the person that you don't want contact, and make sure they receive the notification. This is as simple as sending an email asking him not to contact you in any way, come by your house, talk to your family and coworkers about you or in any way invade your privacy. Plus inform him if he has any questions regarding your daughter then he needs to go through a communication service (there are usually some services set up where it's a nonprofit organization that facilitates communication between parents when there is a history of abuse, etc.) You can find this by searching online or ask at the pro bono legal place or through the court that handled your divorce/custody agreement. You can also go back to court to have the custody agreement modified to change the way the communication takes place. But consult an attorney first, because that may lead to him wanting support. You may want to involve a guardian ad litem. Really the strategies depend on your state and the laws in your state and how the guy misbehaves himself, or not. So you need to get some legal advice, and also learn how to disengage from him (counseling) and not let him push your buttons. Generally speaking, if someone is not a good parent, the kids will figure it out sooner or later. If he is always framing his behavior against you, you disengaging will not give him any comparison, the kids will get bored with his rantings and also realize that he should be making some money, and that all he does is complain about you when you're not even there. Patience.....

You can also keep a journal for your daughter and keep up her room, etc. So if she wants to come back, she will see that you didn't write her off.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks. I text and email her constantly. I send her photos if I see something interesting. 

My tale is a cautionary one, never give a cheater and liar a second chance. If I had kept him booted out after I found out about his affair, instead of being influenced by my church and him crying with angina on the front porch in front of the kids, with them begging me to take him back I would not now be estranged from my kids. 
I'll look into your advice.
Every lawyer says she's too old to go after 50/50 custody, but there must be one who will help me.


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