# Not attracted to my husband anymore



## admingirl (Aug 13, 2011)

I have recently stopped showing affection towards my hsbd. We have been together for 11yrs & married for 9 of those. We started out completely attracted to each other & always had a pretty hardy sex life together. Over the past few years he went from being the guy that everyone liked, the life of the party & all around personality to this guy who when he drinks can be the biggest jerk around. I was his enabler of this behaviour, I always did damage control & made good with everyone & assured them that he was just joking but that has taken its toll on me & now I have become very resentful. I tried to communicate it to him that his behaviour was getting to me. I wasnt very effective & was always worried about offending him so I just repressed the feelings. Now with his work it is their busy season & it is very stressful on him. I feel, ontop of the affore mentioned, that he has become very complacent in our relationship, & I also feel that I get put on the "backburner" sometimes & that work & his needs come first. I will often tease him that he has only child syndrome & is so used to getting his own way & not having to think of others. If I want to plan something he seems to find a reason for it not to happen but then he can come along with an idea & it is almost always brought to light. I know that he loves me & he is willing now to go to couselling (this is after he has accused me of cheating - which I have never - not even emotionally). I am worried because I know how stubborn I can be & I am not sure I can ever feel that way about him again - I have sooo much resentment built up inside of me. I did tell him the truth that I do not want to have sex with him & that hurt him very much. He doesnt think it is healthy that I withold from him & it supports his theory of me being unfaithful. He also thinks that someone else has helped me come to this conclusion which is not true & I find insulting - I can think for myself. Only after I came to my own understanding of what I have been feeling, my friends came out & said that they were aware of how he has been acting & some were surprised that I had put up with it for so long. No one badmouthed him which is good bc I do truely love him but find that I am not in love with him anymore. It was a long fall from the pedestal I had him on. I am not seeking a future with someone else (the thought of going back into the dating scene is horrible to me) I just find that we have different motivations in life & dont see him trying to achieve them with me. I know I mentioned that I can think for myself but I could really use some opinions or some advice from people who may have/are going thru similar situations.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have few choices left to you. You can either stay in a loveless and sexless marriage which will grow worse over time and where one of you will end up having an affair. Or you can try to divorce amicably and go your separate ways.

I'm sorry if my comments don't bring you any hope, but that is reality.


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## admingirl (Aug 13, 2011)

I appreciated your comments & your honesty - I think in my heart I know its done but I dont want to hurt him. I really do care & he cried infront of me for the first time ever last week so that makes it even harder now that he has made himself so vulnerable (I dont want to "kick" him while he's down). I will attend the counselling but I am not sure it can help us now. 

Thanks again for responding


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I wish you the best of luck.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

admingirl said:


> I appreciated your comments & your honesty - I think in my heart I know its done but I dont want to hurt him. I really do care & he cried infront of me for the first time ever last week so that makes it even harder now that he has made himself so vulnerable (I dont want to "kick" him while he's down). I will attend the counselling but I am not sure it can help us now.
> 
> Thanks again for responding


"Attending" the counseling is one thing....being open to it working/helping is another thing entirely. I would suggest if you know yourself to be too stubborn to allow for a reparation then save the money, time, and his and your emotions and just ask for a divorce. Tell him love him and want it to be amicable, but that because of all this "baggage" you're carrying you don't see how you'd ever fall back "in love" with him. On the other hand, if you think yourself openminded enough, and if you sincerely love him enough to WANT it to work, then go into the counseling looking for any and everything you can grab onto to help you jettison some of the baggage, and recognize that the problem wasn't necessarily him or you, but how the two of you communicated. Lastly, if he drinks too much he should be told, and his drinking should stop or be radically reduced. If he can't do that, for whatever excuse (stress, etc.) then before you go any further in marriage counseling he should really look into rehab. If he does need and goes through rehab you might find you have a very different (for the better) husband when he gets out.


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