# Porn and social media



## Tdr (Oct 9, 2015)

I am a pretty open-minded person and I am not the modesty police by any means, but I would like to find some people who might have similar feelings on this subject. 

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have a good relationship for the most part. He is wonderful and caring. However, Like many women (and men), throughout our relationship I have found porn either downloaded on his computer or up on his phone. When we first started dating, I thought if I ever found porn on his device it wouldn't bother me, but the first time I saw it, I found it really hurtful, and nothing has changed. It was pretty easy to check who he was following on Instagram and saw he was following several accounts dedicated to naked or half-naked girls. I was very upset about this and confronted him. I told him its no surprise he wants to look at porn but do you really need them on your newsfeed constantly? He lets me borrow his phone sometimes and he will completely forget to delete his history or even the page he was looking at and its "drunk, hot girls" or some lesbians getting it on with each other. Both of these are kind of hypocritical for him to be looking at based on what he's told me about his morals. When I confront him about it I think it's really embarrassing for him, and he agrees it's excessive. It has gotten better, or at least he's getting better at deleting his history. 

I feel like social media is really taking a toll on our relationships. Women that we are friends with will post really sexy pictures of themselves and it's just right there in plain sight for him to see. Can you blame me for getting really weird and jealous on the inside when we have to see these people in public? All I can wonder is if my husband is thinking about how she looks in her underwear. I also feel like we can barely look at any websites without there being some advertisement depicting naked girls or drunk girls in bikinis. 

I don't know if I'm looking seeking advice so much as people to relate to. I'm an educated young woman and have been schooled on gender biases in movies, advertising etc. There is porn everywhere we look and I feel like nothing is sacred anymore. I can barely watch a movie with my husband without feeling angry at how sexually the women are portrayed, and I have to worry about him getting turned on by other women onscreen. 

I've told him that it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't only have eyes for me, and he says he never wants me to feel that way. I know he would never cheat on me. But it's actually a turn off when I see this other side to him who wants to watch drunk girls and lesbians get it on. It makes me not want to sleep with him, and when I don't want to sleep with him he's going to turn to porn more often. It's kind of a vicious cycle. 

Am I the only one who feels this way? Is the internet ruining our sex lives? Am I crazy and too jealous?? Any input would be great.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its difficult. Many people, more men than women, but both, enjoy porn. For many it is harmless. A quick fantasy to share with a partner or to masturbate to when the partner isn't available.

For some it becomes a problem. They may expect their partner to act like people do in porn, or may even ignore their partner sexually and masturbate to porn instead. 

I think if it like alcohol - some people can enjoy a glass of wine after dinner, others end up in the gutter drinking thunderbird out of a paper bag.

My feeling is that if someone is not showing bad effects from porn, that their use isn't objectionable. Trying to limit porn use to me falls too close to trying to limit masturbation - feels like a bit of an invasion of privacy.

Other people will strongly disagree with me, and they are welcome to do so.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I bought a copy of Magic Mike XXL for my wife yesterday.

I figure whatever gets her motor running, I'm the beneficiary.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

All men with some form of personal internet access watch, at some level, provocative images. All men. 

If it hasn't changed him, is your concern here about your own opinion of these images? In other words, are you upset that he is doing something that you would`nt do?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Tdr said:


> I've told him that it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't only have eyes for me, and he says he never wants me to feel that way. I know he would never cheat on me. But it's actually a turn off when I see this other side to him who wants to watch drunk girls and lesbians get it on. It makes me not want to sleep with him, and when I don't want to sleep with him he's going to turn to porn more often. It's kind of a vicious cycle.
> 
> Am I the only one who feels this way? Is the internet ruining our sex lives? Am I crazy and too jealous?? Any input would be great.


I know this is hard to understand for *most* women, but no man with a normal sex drive (for men) have eyes only for one woman.

If you ever have to take testosterone supplements for some reason, you'll understand this much better.

As long as your sex life with him is good, don't worry about it.


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## steph333 (Oct 10, 2015)

Oh sweetheart Tdr

Good for you sharing your emotions and hurt to ur husband! 

Yes your so right Social media online caming
Quick online meet up hookups 

They all reined my only 4 year marriage! My husband was down loading porn at a speed of lighting 
But what hurt me was he masturbated and payed another women daily online to master ate as well! 
He lost sexual interest in less than the first year of marriage! 
And continued having sex with randoms daily from dating sites! 

Plz purchase my spy.com
Online takes ten min to install or get an IT man to install this hidden app on your husbands phone
It allows u to login into the sight on your phone or desktop and AS IT HAPPENS TXES, Google searches and downloads , gps tracking, email retrieval , phone and sms details all come through to you! 
It's sad we have to monitor are husbands online! But we are left with no choice! 
In sorry but if u don't keep putting a lid on it it will result in him caming online and more 

Good luck sweetheart 
Steph


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Please do not take the above posters advice. You want to be his wife or mother? Going the route of above poster will just make you spin your wheels even further.


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## steph333 (Oct 10, 2015)

Look u don't have to go as far as 
My spy. Com
But u have to make him fully aware of how this all makes u feel

As a women I know you would be constantly thinking of is he now? What type of download? 
Then as women we look at ourselves and start questioning ! 

Look I'm a realist! 
Truth is if you don't except this emotionally things want last 
And if he doesn't respect your concerns he lacks respect ! 

Therphy is always a learning experience and there is no negative in thus! 
Luck


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I know exactly how you feel. I walked into my partner masturbating to porn recently and trying not to take it personally.

Also on t.v. nudity is everywhere. Female nudity that is.

I'm looking forward to any advice how to deal with this, as you probably do. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

??? What does religion have to do with this.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Do you hate him looking at porn, masturbating, and thus depriving you of sex.....

Or do you hate him looking at porn, and then coming to you wanting sex?....

Or do you just hate the idea of porn....

Or do you just want total control of his arousal???


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm pretty liberal. European. Spent summers sunbathing nude on beaches. I'm also arty (my Mums an artist) so I've grown-up going to galleries, looking at art books. I enjoy the human form. I find it very beautiful. When we first moved to America I was shocked by some of the silly noises of embarrassment some made in the cinema when a sex scene came on. We also made a couple of male friends, grown men, who also made silly noises watching films. A teacher from a local school got sacked because 14 year old students went off the designated path in the gallery & saw OMG naked statues!! Ugh! Hahaha!

I don't really have a problem with porn, strip clubs etc but to be honest deep inside I find it pretty pathetic! I'm not even getting into the reality of those 'actresses' & 'dancers' real lives. It's men paying well earned money to be manipulated because they have a penis! Honestly, instinctively I think less of a man who frequents strip clubs even if they don't get lap dances. I couldn't date a man like that so I ask myself the question why is porn different? I know my H has some. It's no where near obsessive. He used to have a stronger moral dislike than me! I do think a little less of him. It's not a big deal. I just find it lame really. 

I HATE the whole acceptability of Girls Gone Wild, Young YOUNG & hot! I remember David Letterman joking about the Olson twins being legal "Now men don't have to hide the fact that they sexually fantacise about them!". WTF??? Dirty old man! Our morals & principles are being eroded. Erotica has always been around but it has NOT always been degrading, big fake boobs & as young as they can legally be. Oh I don't know. It's all a bit sad. I know people are going to say that all porn isn't like that. I know!! 

There's something pretty pathetic about a sexualized culture where men couldn't walk around a nude beach without getting hard!! And people compare that gross, fake, twaddle to the great masters art or the walls of Pompeii. I expect it of teenage boys but grown men?

I like my lovely fantasy world where my H only has lustful yes for me. Where the naked form can be appreciated for its beauty. As a liberal I feel that we are loosing something very precious in the name of liberalism. 

Anyway....Honestly I'm with you. Don't like it. It's not a big deal to me but.....


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

OP, you're not alone. Many, many women feel hurt by their husbands/boyfriends using porn.

You'll get a lot of responses from posters here who don't think you have the right to your feelings. They're wrong. 

Lots of men believe that all other men are exactly like they are. So they say all men feel about porn the way they do. They're wrong.

There are a lot of men who don't look at porn. Some don't like it. Some found it addictive, broke the habit and now stay away from it. Some realize it hurts the woman they love and refrain for her sake. Some eschew it for religious or moral reasons. They may not be the majority of men, but there are many more than some of the guys here would have you believe.

The bottom line is that if it's hurting you, it's hurting your marriage. You need to decide if you're going to silently whither as your husband's selfish desires kill your love for him or if you're going to draw a line. Tell him it hurts you and is destroying your love and desire for him. He can either cut it out or you walk. Offer to be supportive, attend counseling, etc. But set firm boundaries.

Or you can stuff your feelings and always wonder what it would be like to have a husband who loved you enough to care about how his actions hurt you.

FTR: My husband doesn't enjoy porn. Doesn't watch it. He knows my feelings about it (I have many objections to it) and respects that. Not all men are the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Porn?? Did somebody say porn??


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Tdr said:


> I've told him that it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't only have eyes for me,


You are aware that he was attracted to other women before he started a relationship with you? Do you think that the minute he starts a relationship with you he suddenly no longer finds any other women attractive ? That's absurdly unrealistic.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Quote - "Lots of men believe that all other men are exactly like they are. So they say all men feel about porn the way they do. They're wrong.". 

You're so right. I remember being a teenager & listening to people saying "All women....." & thinking I must be weird! It's one of those strange things. We learn the lesson. We know what you say is so obviously correct, just because I do doesn't mean "All women...." but when it comes to many sex 'things' you still get people who truly believe that "Everyone.....". 

Sadly when it comes to porn the men who believe that ALL men love it & use it are the same sort who believe that ALL men who say they don't are lying to women who are gullible! They're the one's who have never had truly open, intimate, BOTH honestly talk about everything & anything, intimate relationships. 


Have you ever told your husband exactly how you feel about it? I don't mean just saying that you don't like him doing it but REALLY explaining how you feel, intellectually & emotionally about all the different aspects of the subject? 

* If you have & he still hasn't stopped he is making a stand & sadly prioritizing porn, or his 'rights to do it' over your heart felt wishes. If so I bet you can find other aspects of your marriage where he is equally thoughtless. 

* If not....You NEED to have that talk. Anything that makes your H 'less' in your eyes is a VERY bad thing.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Quote - "You are aware that he was attracted to other women before he started a relationship with you? Do you think that the minute he starts a relationship with you he suddenly no longer finds any other women attractive ? That's absurdly unrealistic."

The day I married my husband I did not stop finding other men attractive. Some men are very good looking & aesthetically pleasing. Some men have an incredibly attractive sense of humor, others it's their whole character. That doesn't mean I imagine other men naked or fantasize about having sex or being in a relationship with them. It doesn't mean I flirt or try to be around them. I just think that they are attractive. I could talk about what I find attractive about the different men we know if I thought about it. My mind never wanders there. It's something that I don't really think about.

Maybe that's just me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I know my husband watches porn and probably pictures of naked women, who knows. Never invaded his privacy to find out what he watches. I just asked him to keep it private, I don't want to see, thank you very much. As far as I know, it does not effect my feelings of love and respect for him or the way he treats me. If he hid the fact that he looks I would feel less respect but he doesn't. So its a private thing. 

I look at it this way. Even in a loving relationship, each person has a need and a right to privacy. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy or deception. 

One thing you should work on is a sense of self-confidence. It has nothing to do with beauty but everything to do with how much you value yourself. You should feel good enough about yourself that you know that your partner made the best decision of his life in choosing you even though he looks at others. You should feel good about choosing him too.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cletus said:


> I bought a copy of Magic Mike XXL for my wife yesterday.
> 
> I figure whatever gets her motor running, I'm the beneficiary.


OMG Magic Mike. Now I understand why men like looking at idealized women. 

I never saw so many beautiful near naked male bodies in my life. What a revelation. Channing Tatum has a near perfect male body for me. My reaction was visceral and involuntary, I could not stop looking. I catch myself looking at men with similar body type, my eyes seem to have a mind of their own. There are not many around. 

What happened to me?? Exposure. I didn't know what I didn't know.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening, 
I partially agree,and partially disagree.
There are men who do not look at porn, but I suspect most do. If it is important to someone they can only be with men who won't watch porn, or leave a partner who does. 

In doing so they may be rejecting some otherwise wonderful men. That is OK, but you only get a limited number of constraints before you run out of men. It depends on how important this is to you.







Nynaeve said:


> OP, you're not alone. Many, many women feel hurt by their husbands/boyfriends using porn.
> 
> You'll get a lot of responses from posters here who don't think you have the right to your feelings. They're wrong.
> 
> ...


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## Drotliw (Oct 12, 2015)

*My girlfriend does...*

Hi there,

You're right about everything you say and feel. Watching porn has been made commonplace, although it's very addictive, probably causes sexual trouble in relationships, flips of hormones, and by any means diminishes the strengh of attachment to the person you live with.

Nynaeve has given you a very good answer up here. I'm a man and I deeply hate porn, and this insane use of women's bodies as cheap goods in advertising, movies, and now in the massive internet lines. Sex in the media is a very powerful unconscious weapon, and plays over our instincts to affect our way to behave as consummers, and soon as citizens, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers. I keep asking myself : is that the world where I want to fall in love ? Is that the world where I'm gonna live with my wife ? Is that the atmosphere my children will grow in ?

Look around : everything is an invitation to pornography. I know my girlfriend doesn't see porn as a threat to a "healthy" relationship, *but i see clearly that it is !*. One time, I returned back home and found her depressed (she had problems at work), so I tried to raise her spirits, and she couldn't answer to my hugs, caresses or kisses. I looked at her face and instantly got it. So I told her : " you know, watching porn and masturbation arn't healthy habits". She answered, astonished, : "HOW DID YOU KNOW ?!!". You see, some people even consider watching porn as a form of cheating - and they're right to think so.

Yes, watching porn affects the relationship (only two porn watchers can live with it easily). It affects the way you see the opposite sex, and consequently, your own partner. It affects the way you "need" the presence of your mate. In my case, *I do feel when my girlfriend practises onanism, because it builds a wall between us, and make me feel I need her more than she needs me *. When she watchs porn, I feel like she's not with me... she can't even look at me in the eyes. She has a "shadow" look. I also notice how she looks to the other men : it can't deceive me ! She has that "hot ot not hot" judgment. Seek out in internet forums, quote "porn has ruined my relationship" to see how many testimonies join for the same conclusion...

I hope you'll find a way to convince your husband to leave this habit. You just have to know it's extremely addictive. Good luck...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I am curious though, what exactly do you want your husband to do? Would not watching porn suffice? I guess my point, it seems to go beyond watching porn as you mention getting weird about seeing people in public who post sexy pics, you get angry watching movies b/c you start to wonder what is going through your husband's mind when he sees a female, etc... Honestly, if everything is ok in your marriage it seems more like self confidence issues on your side. 

If you don't want your husband watching porn, I think that is a reasonable request. Beyond that, aside from keeping him locked in the house with no internet access and screening shows he can watch beforehand, I don't see how you can get around some of the other things you are feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I am not diminishing what you are feeling as I do feel social media/ ease of access to porn is having a negative impact on many relationships. If you believe that your husband is using porn as a replacement in some form in your marriage, than it is a huge issue. Based on your OP it doesn't sound that way, so maybe ask him to tone down the porn/naked women stuff and see where it goes from there.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Its difficult. Many people, more men than women, but both, enjoy porn. For many it is harmless. A quick fantasy to share with a partner or to masturbate to when the partner isn't available.
> 
> For some it becomes a problem. They may expect their partner to act like people do in porn, or may even ignore their partner sexually and masturbate to porn instead.
> ...


Yes! Also, I think there's more to it. 
You dont like porn? Fine, no big deal. You want your partner to leave it alone? Also fine. However, i think this means you owe it to your partner to take care of all sexual needs. I think its really wrong to say, no porn honey, you know how i feel, and then,
Sorry no, i have a headache.
Or, no, i dont like to give head, we cant do that anymore.

I have zero problems with supplemental porn, for people that have a partner that turns them away. And zero respect for those that would turn away a willing partner for porn and masturbation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> OMG Magic Mike. Now I understand why men like looking at idealized women.
> 
> I never saw so many beautiful near naked male bodies in my life. What a revelation. Channing Tatum has a near perfect male body for me. My reaction was visceral and involuntary, I could not stop looking. I catch myself looking at men with similar body type, my eyes seem to have a mind of their own. There are not many around.
> 
> What happened to me?? Exposure. I didn't know what I didn't know.


The funny thing is my wife saw this movie at her bachelorette party and told me it definitely didn't do it for her, though I do hear generally it is effective for its target audience (ie women and I guess gay men). 

On the other hand, I definitely can admit I like typical sexy movies with naked or near naked women. But I know very well some guys that don't -- either because they really don't find it arousing, or they've decided for various reasons that's crossing their own moral line. 

So I'd also like to state against the whole 'all men watch porn' type line. I think its fair to say MOST men are interested in that type of materials, and probably MOST would if given the chance. In SOME relationships this is not acceptable (as determined in that relationship) and in those after open communication some sort of compromise should be determined. 

In other words, if it makes you uncomfortable you should talk to your husband about it. However, you also need to be flexible and realize that it may be a relatively harmless distraction and not a reflection on you or his interest in you. 

Bottom line is try to communicate... at least from what I read in the OP the husband isn't necessarily going overboard, but just making the wife uncomfortable, and he may be willing to make some changes for the relationship if he's asked to.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Absolutely agree. 
I classify porn with masturbation - its OK, but in general your partner gets right of first refusal (assuming that they are good lovers who are interested in your pleasure). 





sixty-eight said:


> Yes! Also, I think there's more to it.
> You dont like porn? Fine, no big deal. You want your partner to leave it alone? Also fine. However, i think this means you owe it to your partner to take care of all sexual needs. I think its really wrong to say, no porn honey, you know how i feel, and then,
> Sorry no, i have a headache.
> Or, no, i dont like to give head, we cant do that anymore.
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

devotion said:


> The funny thing is my wife saw this movie at her bachelorette party and told me it definitely didn't do it for her, though I do hear generally it is effective for its target audience (ie women and I guess gay men).
> 
> On the other hand, I definitely can admit I like typical sexy movies with naked or near naked women. But I know very well some guys that don't -- either because they really don't find it arousing, or they've decided for various reasons that's crossing their own moral line.
> 
> ...


 @devotion, I agree that communication is absolutely necessary. No question about it. And, I am also going to agree that it is very likely that MOST men (and quite a few women, as well, actually) enjoy viewing some sort of pornographic material. But, I disagree, if I am understanding your post correctly, that "some sort of compromise should be determined". I don't think that, if one is adamantly opposed to viewing porn, in any form, that he or she should be required to accept it, in any form. I can honestly say that if I found porn on my husband's devices, it would not be ok with me. And there would be no compromise on it. While I understand that my own relationship with my husband is not the same as everyone else, and we don't fit the mold of "most" couples, I do feel very strongly about the subject. I don't think it's right to basically tell someone that they have no choice but to just live with it, to accept it, and put aside their own feelings about the subject/material. I think giving someone the advice to compromise on it, if they feel so strongly, is only going to make them resent the other spouse more. Basically, what I am saying is that it seems you are saying to compromise on this, even if the one who does not approve of porn thinks it is wrong. If that is, indeed, what you are saying, I completely disagree.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> @devotion, I can honestly say that if I found porn on my husband's devices, it would not be ok with me. And there would be no compromise on it. While I understand that my own relationship with my husband is not the same as everyone else, and we don't fit the mold of "most" couples, I do feel very strongly about the subject. I don't think it's right to basically tell someone that they have no choice but to just live with it, to accept it, and put aside their own feelings about the subject/material.



Uhm, isn't that exactly what you'd be doing if you found porn on your husband's devices?

You'd be telling your husband that he had no choice but to live with your demand, to accept your demand, and to put aside his own feelings about the subject/material and adhere to your perspective. 

I'm guessing that's why compromise was suggested, so that the discussion does'nt begin with demands.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> Uhm, isn't that exactly what you'd be doing if you found porn on your husband's devices?
> 
> You'd be telling your husband that he had no choice but to live with your demand, to accept your demand, and to put aside his own feelings about the subject/material and adhere to your perspective.
> 
> I'm guessing that's why compromise was suggested, so that the discussion does'nt begin with demands.


Compromise would mean, from my understanding, to come to an agreement to allow something, even in small quantities, that you disagree with. And it goes the same for the opposition. If someone feels he/she absolutely MUST view it, as often as he/she wishes, I wouldn't suggest forcing to stop or reduce if it would cause resentment. For me, there would be no compromise. It would be all or nothing. Period. No wiggle room at all. Which is why I am glad he and I are on the same page on the subject.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> Compromise would mean, from my understanding, to come to an agreement to allow something, even in small quantities, that you disagree with. And it goes the same for the opposition. If someone feels he/she absolutely MUST view it, as often as he/she wishes, I wouldn't suggest forcing to stop or reduce if it would cause resentment. For me, there would be no compromise. It would be all or nothing. Period. No wiggle room at all. Which is why I am glad he and I are on the same page on the subject.


So the answer to my question was "yes". Thanks.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> So the answer to my question was "yes". Thanks.


No. The answer is no. There is no compromise on something I feel that strongly about. Get it? *NO COMPROMISE*. And, if he disagreed with my position, he could go. Compromise is giving in, on both sides, at least a little. My advice would be to NOT compromise, if it is an issue he/she feels that strongly about. Not sure how else I can say it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

All men who have never watched porn are trillionaires, study shows:

All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

technovelist said:


> All men who have never watched porn are trillionaires, study shows:
> 
> All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph


Not sure what the point was? I've read the article before, I believe. It states that "all men are exposed to it at some point in their lives", iirc. I certainly don't say that the men I know have never  seen it at all. There are a few I kind of question, but suspect tgey have at least had a glimpse. I don't think anyone has taken the stance that their men have _never seen_ porn, just that some don't watch it now. My husband has seen it before we met. He saw a few in his dad's collection and it disgusted him. He brought that up to me, himself. And, since we were in agreement about it, from the start, I would not accept viewing it now.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Not sure what the point was? I've read the article before, I believe. It states that "all men are exposed to it at some point in their lives", iirc. I certainly don't say that the men I know have never  seen it at all. There are a few I kind of question, but suspect tgey have at least had a glimpse. I don't think anyone has taken the stance that their men have _never seen_ porn, just that some don't watch it now. My husband has seen it before we met. He saw a few in his dad's collection and it disgusted him. He brought that up to me, himself. And, since we were in agreement about it, from the start, I would not accept viewing it now.


So either he is an extremely unusual man, by which I mean 1 in 1000 or less, or he is afraid to tell you that he likes it because he knows you would blow your top.

If I were a betting man, I know which side I'd take.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

technovelist said:


> So either he is an extremely unusual man, by which I mean 1 in 1000 or less, or he is afraid to tell you that he likes it because he knows you would blow your top.
> 
> If I were a betting man, I know which side I'd take.


Sigh... no, tech. He doesn't watch it. He doesn't go to those sites. He doesn't look at trashy magazines. He doesn't download naughty pics. He doesn't watch those kinds of videos. I know, it's hard to fathom that there are men out there who don't fit into the mold, but if I were to bet, I would bet on my husband, every time. And, I can assure you that I would win. You don't have to believe me. I couldn't care less. I am just sick of the implication that men _must_ be lying when they say they don't watch it/find it disgusting. 

ETA: Oh, and my ideals regarding port didn't come from my mother. They came from my father. He is the one who instilled THAT value in me.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> @devotion I don't think it's right to basically tell someone that they have no choice but to just live with it, to accept it, and put aside their own feelings about the subject/material.




I was referring to your earlier posting. You said if you found porn on your husbands devices that there is no compromise and he is to be restricted from such material. But your statement "I don't think it's right to basically tell someone that they have no choice but to just live with it, to accept it, and put aside their own feelings about the subject/material" is contradicting. 

If you found porn on his phone and he tells you " I don't think it's right to basically tell me that I have no choice but to just live with it, to accept your demand, and put aside my own feelings about the subject/material"... would that be fair of him or is that demand yours only?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Tdr said:


> I've told him that it hurts me and makes me feel like he doesn't only have eyes for me, and he says he never wants me to feel that way. I know he would never cheat on me. But it's actually a turn off when I see this other side to him who wants to watch drunk girls and lesbians get it on. It makes me not want to sleep with him, and when I don't want to sleep with him he's going to turn to porn more often. It's kind of a vicious cycle.
> 
> Am I the only one who feels this way? Is the internet ruining our sex lives? Am I crazy and too jealous?? Any input would be great.


 @Tdr, has your H continued to watch porn after you expressed your hurt to him? 

I'm not anti-porn per se but I'm also married to man who rarely watches it solely for his pleasure. That being said, I do think that it would bother me greatly if he was watching it regularly. 

I do think that professional pornography is ruining the sex lives of many young people but not so much due to the jealousy. My problem with it is that it presents extreme sexual practices as normal. One of my favorite Ted Talks was by Cindy Gallop (Make Love Not Porn). In it she was very candid on how porn affected the sexual expectations of today's young men. At the time I couldn't help but laugh but after further introspection, I found the whole thing very sad. 

We have a whole generation of young people who are learning about sex by way of online porn and I'm not quite sure if there's a way to prevent that from happening. You are definitely not alone in your concern.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Try this... "He wants you."


https://youtu.be/dlZsGpWJmos


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Apexmale said:


> I was referring to your earlier posting. You said if you found porn on your husbands devices that there is no compromise and he is to be restricted from such material. But your statement "I don't think it's right to basically tell someone that they have no choice but to just live with it, to accept it, and put aside their own feelings about the subject/material" is contradicting.
> 
> If you found porn on his phone and he tells you " I don't think it's right to basically tell me that I have no choice but to just live with it, to accept your demand, and put aside my own feelings about the subject/material"... would that be fair of him or is that demand yours only?


I'm not responding on behalf of Mariacha but will say that people are entitled to their boundaries. Part of having strong boundaries is making them known and enforcing them when they are crossed. Understanding _and _accepting each other's limits is a basic requirement in a good relationship.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think porn does present extreme sex as normal and that is bad. OTOH, it does provide some education - like the idea that women are supposed to have orgasms (even if not HOW they should have them). 

I don't know if there are any studies to see if people growing up after the wide availability of internet porn have more or fewer sexual issues.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> I was referring to your earlier posting. You said if you found porn on your husbands devices that there is no compromise and he is to be restricted from such material. But your statement "I don't think it's right to basically tell someone that they have no choice but to just live with it, to accept it, and put aside their own feelings about the subject/material" is contradicting.
> 
> If you found porn on his phone and he tells you " I don't think it's right to basically tell me that I have no choice but to just live with it, to accept your demand, and put aside my own feelings about the subject/material"... would that be fair of him or is that demand yours only?


But he WOULD have a choice... stop watching it or leave. And what I was saying, AGAIN, is that it isn't right to force someone to compromise on it if they feel that strongly about it. Compromise, to me, is both sides giving in a little. And when I was saying that it wasn't right to tell someone he has no choice, I meant regarding compromising... as in giving in a little. My husband absolutely would have a choice. He absolutely could view port if he so desired. I wouldn't try to stop him if he felt that strongly about it. However, if he chose to view it, he would be doing it elsewhere... and would no longer be part of my household. He is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions. I don't make his decisions for him. But, like anyone else, he would have to deal with the consequences... just as I would, no matter the outcome. No, I would never force him to comply. At the same time, I wouldn't be with him if he watched it.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Porn is on television and on social media predominantly because of the targeted audience: man. Men are visually stimulated and we live in an attention based economy. All the television networks and social media networks fight each other for more viewers. And to come out on top, they utilize suggestive images to captures men's attention. It works.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Apexmale said:


> Porn is on television and on social media predominantly because of the targeted audience: man. Men are visually stimulated and we live in an attention based economy. All the television networks and social media networks fight each other for more viewers. And to come out on top, they utilize suggestive images to captures men's attention. It works.


... until they switch the channel or fast forward through the scenes in the show/movie. Most, I am sure, do not. Some do.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Sigh... no, tech. He doesn't watch it. He doesn't go to those sites. He doesn't look at trashy magazines. He doesn't download naughty pics. He doesn't watch those kinds of videos. I know, it's hard to fathom that there are men out there who don't fit into the mold, but if I were to bet, I would bet on my husband, every time. And, I can assure you that I would win. You don't have to believe me. I couldn't care less. I am just sick of the implication that men _must_ be lying when they say they don't watch it/find it disgusting.
> 
> ETA: Oh, and my ideals regarding port didn't come from my mother. They came from my father. He is the one who instilled THAT value in me.


I didn't say he must be lying; I just said it was very unusual.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> ... until they switch the channel or fast forward through the scenes in the show/movie. Most, I am sure, do not. Some do.


We're still waiting for the "slow motion" button on our remotes...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Apexmale said:


> We're still waiting for the "slow motion" button on our remotes...


You don't have that? Maybe you need a new DVR then...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

technovelist said:


> I didn't say he must be lying; I just said it was very unusual.


You also said that if you were a betting man, you would bet that I was wrong. (Paraphrased, but that was the gist)... That, to me, says you suspect he is lying.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

technovelist said:


> You don't have that? Maybe you need a new DVR then...


Darn it, maybe I do. I need to check in a bit. This is a life changer if I do.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

technovelist said:


> So either he is an extremely unusual man, by which I mean 1 in 1000 or less, or he is afraid to tell you that he likes it because he knows you would blow your top.
> 
> If I were a betting man, I know which side I'd take.


I'm sure there are men with religious and moral objections to porn who manage to control their behavior and habits because of these beliefs. Aren't there men who feel that porn takes away from their enjoyment of the real thing, or who have fallen into the addiction trap or thing they may so just avoid it. There has to be some men who find it boring and repetitive. 

"All men watch porn" makes men sound like simpletons. Does nothing for women who are trying to understand their partners as individuals. I said I know my husband watches porn because we talked about it. I wanted to understand why he watched and what it meant about how he felt our sex life, if he was unhappy. He said -it's simple, he uses porn when he wants to get off quickly. I would not have asked my husband anything if I thought his mind was merged with the great collective male psyche. 

Every woman should discuss porn with her partner in an open, non-judgemental manner. She shouldn't assume that she knows what he does or feels or what it means to him. The answers are probably as varied as the number of adult males on the planet. 

Besides showing a fictitious view of female sexuality, I feel porn is evil. Vulnerable sexually abused women fill out the ranks of porn actresses, very young girls are used, revenge porn is used to shame women after they dump a husband or bf, child porn, some of the woman may be sex slaves. Those are the things I discussed with my husband. That's how I feel.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> You also said that if you were a betting man, you would bet that I was wrong. (Paraphrased, but that was the gist)... That, to me, says you suspect he is lying.


If I had to bet without knowing anything else other than that he is a man, that's the way I would bet.

But you have a lot more information than I do on this topic (his views on porn), so you may very well be right.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

All I know, thanks to social media and the internet, it is much easier to "sneak a peak at porn" without it being known, much easier to deny/hide...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just my 2 cents from a woman who knew of my husband's 300 playboy mags under his bed.. while dating.. though we didn't talk about porn so much.. I kinda always felt "Boys will be Boys" -even if I didn't fully understand the male visual allure back then....

Here is a book suggestion that could be helpful sorting this out...Please take a moment & read the 1st couple reviews of this book... 








Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship: Books









It was written by a husband AND WIFE ....who decided to hear each other out ..no matter how painful.... with the determination to understand each others feelings ....and to NOT throw their marriage away that easy over the porn issue ..

This couple has walked in similar shoes... this wife can relate to every perceived hurt a woman feels .....the husband giving the man's side ....this doesn't always mean the man fails to love , even cherish his wife at the same time...

Addiction to porn ,using it over a wife is a betrayal of intimacy, a marriage destroyer..... I would never argue this...I would also leave a man like that.. and advise any woman to also.. this book will help open the dialog.. get to the root issues... 

Every couple owes it to themselves to UNDERSTAND the other .... before throwing a relationship away . 

I bought the book for pure curiosity...(Me & mine enjoy a little soft porn together now)... I didn't read it to the end, but I believe the husband gives it up willingly, not out of compulsion, threats or fear tactics from his wife....but only after he felt heard by her... and he deeply heard her feelings as well... 

In our past...I would find files on my husband's computer...not videos just still shots... I'd post scriptures on his desktop, I even broke out in tears a time or two asking if I wasn't enough....but he never denied me ... couldn't ask for a better husband. 

At the time.. I was trying to be a good christian wife (though I still loved a steamy romance, an R-rated erotic sex scene, I wonder if I was any different)... I did not understand the male psyche .... nor did I ever read a paragraph to how Testosterone affects the male brain....

When I hit mid life.. I had some sort of hormonal surge and my oh my...I started wanting to view porn!!!...even rented it.....it became "electric" to me...but still I saved all that pent up lust for him..really it's how he was with me too... so I learned all these yrs later... in this way, I can't complain about my husband.. 

But I can see where men are coming from too.. 

It is a rare rare man who doesn't slip a little porn now & then, even if they are his convictions. One of man's greatest battles. >> Every religious man worth any salt knows this - why such books have been written >> 

Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I think porn has spoiled men, giving them no end of women on display to them, for them, all catering to their sexual fantasies with nary a thought about them as people.

I personally find this objectification of women nauseating, especially considering the issues of exploitation and human trafficking behind it.

But I've given up, surrendered, admitted defeat. My SO watches porn and doesn"t care a whit what I think. He just pretends that he doesn't do it, that it's not important, and watches whenever I'm not around.

But the playing field is evening out. It isn't just every woman celebrity naked on the internet, it's every male on too. Gazillions of guys are posing, flaunting themselves, half naked everywhere. It is becoming easier and easier to find male strip clubs, rent a studs, you name it. Men are becoming as objectified as women are.

So, I've decided that I don't much care what my SO thinks either, and that I'm just as entitled to private time, and private thoughts, and need not concern myself with what he wants, likes, feels, any more than he ever does with me. 

I'm still working out how I feel about all of this. Mostly its not good. I do think it mostly kills the connection between us. Certainly, it isn't helping. It's not like he stacks up so wonderfully against the ideals either. But at this point I don't see much choice. At least not for me.


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## EverythingU.RNot (Sep 2, 2015)

I wish I saw this post before I made my own a few minutes ago... (I posted a bunch of questions about porn).

I completely feel for you and with you. I am frustrated with technology and what that brings, porn/distraction/lack of quality time/no sex due to constant porn use, etc.

I recently joined Instagram myself, and I was really shocked at what gets posted.... Even by people I know!

It's just weird. I post photos of clouds and dogs lol.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

i think even if a man doesn't watch porn specifically, that he hasn't stopped being visually affected.

i know lots of men who don't watch "porn". they masturbate to Victoria Secret catalogues. or they look at a website with models in bikinis or sports illustrated. but they're very proud of the fact that they avoid porn 
what do you think guys did before the internet?

ideally, every man would only masturbate to visual memories of his own wife (and vice versa). but is that a realistic expectation? no way.

i don't think porn is the base of the problem. The problem is more, how we interact with each other as partners. i don't want my husband to watch porn and beat off, because he is low drive and i'd rather have real sex. I don't want my husband to watch porn and then think about it while we have sex, i want to connect. But if i were going to tell him no thanks to sex, i would almost expect him to masturbate and if not watch, then at least imagine a sex act. I don't want to control him. i want shared experiences.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Yea... not even going to get into the "he probably looks at naked pictures" argument. (He put it all into the same category, whether video or pictures)... nor the argument about masturbating or not. I have seen it so many times.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> Yea... not even going to get into the "he probably looks at naked pictures" argument. (He put it all into the same category, whether video or pictures)... nor the argument about masturbating or not. I have seen it so many times.


i wasn't trying to sideline the arguement. simply pointing out that porn isn't the root to the problem, just a branch.

I think the problems are with ourselves and problems with entitlement and control. That the thoughts will happen without the magazines and if the porn was all gone, the problem would still exist. That people feel like it's fine to look, when a partner hates it. That people feel like they can tell a partner to stop a habit like that, and thus stop the mentality.
@Maricha75 And i'm glad your husband doesn't look at porn and that you have agreed on it. It's not the norm. I'm not stirring the pot on that one. What you guys do is your business, and if you say it's true, i'm not going to argue with that.

i was just saying that most men can't look away from an image like that plastered across the wall in the mall, even if they have the best intentions. it wasn't directed at you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> i wasn't trying to sideline the arguement. simply pointing out that porn isn't the root to the problem, just a branch.
> 
> I think the problems are with ourselves and problems with entitlement and control. That the thoughts will happen without the magazines and if the porn was all gone, the problem would still exist. That people feel like it's fine to look, when a partner hates it. That people feel like they can tell a partner to stop a habit like that, and thus stop the mentality.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to get anything started with you on this. I only meant that when it comes to videos and pictures, I honestly don't know anyone who tries to separate them. And, you are correct. Porn is not the problem... only a symptom.

I also know that I am fortunate to have a man who agrees with me on that subject. Don't get me wrong. We are not perfect, by any means. I'm just glad we're able to talk about things like this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Porn is a very delicate subject for many...

I speak from a perspective that I would have very little tolerance if it started to steal my husband's intimacy, our emotional / physical connection.... THIS is what destroys relationships.. Like sixty-eight is saying " it isn't the root to the problem, just a branch, it's how we interact as partners".. 

How can I say this.. I love Erotica.. I love passion.. I love desire...I love it even more when it's "classy"...when between a man & women deeply in love (Soft romantic porn, it draws me in)..

There is nothing more beautiful than a man & women making love.. I mean NOTHING - no pleasure to compare, it is intimacy divine. A friend of ours has a large metal naked man & women hanging in their living room.. it's art... also a naked statue of a man feeding on a woman's breasts on the table nearby.... 

We are drawn to these images...a great majority of us are.. 

What it is that draws women to a man's abs, his bulge, how he moves, his eyes, and men to our curves, breasts....it's visual delight... it's even instinct.. yeah.. some of us get carried away in our minds ....we LIKE to think DIRTY.. (some will argue we shouldn't use the word "Dirty" -sex is never dirty I've heard it said)...but it can be wrong, can't it?

Like Porn...it's the carnal mind (lusting of the eyes to excite, titillate) vs heart, why does a little fantasy excite so much, this in conflict with our moral standards, how many of us can attain living like a Saint.. is everything so bad ? - we ask.. there are things I find morally wrong that others are FINE & free with.. but we'd disagree on a little porn watching as a couple!...

It's like Billy Joel's words..." I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints, sinners are much more FUN"... 

It's a battle some of us don't see all that much harm in..while others would divorce over it. 

My husband has never wanted to hurt me.. when I cried in the past.. .. he would feel so bad..he genuinely TRIED to not go back & look.. but it ate at him.. then he'd fall.. he even felt ashamed for this.. 

But still I never felt he put it before me....this is why we've been able to share it..a little porn, speaking about our fantasies openly has been more of a SPICE to us ...over hurt...it hasn't stole our intimacy. 

I don't know that others could understand this -coming from the other side of the fence even.. It's not that I want to defend Porn.. The majority of porn I still find disgusting / degrading .. 

I still think it comes down to the *Intimacy*.. when this is lacking.. it's a serious problem.. Some men can not handle the freedom, it's like alcohol to them, they need help with an addiction. 

>> Does Watching Porn Affect Intimate Relationships? (Part Two: Women) | Sex and Intimacy

I thought this was a healthy distinction ..... 



> "SEX BASED ON INTIMACY AND LONG TERM COMMITMENT is not the same as sex based in new experiences and intensity, and healthy sex among long-term partners arises more out of intimate connection than the new stimulus.
> 
> Those couples that use intensity based experiences like porn, toys; role-plays and porn-like activity to have a “different” occasional experience for fun are on the right track.
> 
> Those who consistently chose* intensity* over *intimacy*, are likely to end up hurting each other over the long-term."


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Porn is not the problem... only a symptom.


A symptom of what, exactly? That some people like porn?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

When watching porn, does anyone else think "Dammit! This is no fun! I wanna be fvcking too!"?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to get anything started with you on this. I only meant that when it comes to videos and pictures, I honestly don't know anyone who tries to separate them. And, you are correct. Porn is not the problem... only a symptom.
> 
> I also know that I am fortunate to have a man who agrees with me on that subject. Don't get me wrong. We are not perfect, by any means. I'm just glad we're able to talk about things like this.


no problem, i posted close to yours, and even though i didn't mention you, i saw you could have misunderstood that i wasn't referring to your post.

but i thought i should clarify. i don't see porn as a problem. porn is a thing. like an apple, or a pair of pants. It has no abilities of it's own. The problem is only in if it's made without consent or used to hurt a spouse imo.
but i respect your right to disagree for yourself.

Oh! and i know lots of people who separate them. in religious communities, most believe that porn is evil. so there are men, who can't justify porn at all. but the VS catalog was just laying there while i was masturbating...and the wind blew it open...whoooops. that way you don't have to feel bad about it. or you catch them staring at the girls in the junior high youth group. taking mental pictures for later. but remember, no porn!


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> When watching porn, does anyone else think "Dammit! This is no fun! I wanna be fvcking too!"?


sometimes instead of watching couples i watch the videos of people masturbating for exactly that reason 

is that weird? oh well. i'm putting it out there.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> sometimes instead of watching couples i watch the videos of people masturbating for exactly that reason
> 
> is that weird? oh well. i'm putting it out there.


It only gets weird when you watch videos of people watching videos of people masturbating ... :grin2:


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