# My Mother-in-Law is ruining our relationship



## Tay6509 (Apr 24, 2018)

My fiancé and I have been together for 9 years, since high school, and are planning on getting married for our 10 year anniversary. But due to past and recent events with his mother, I’m not sure a I can or even want to marry him anymore.

Him and his mother have always been very local and I have never been anything other then respectful of that. Even if she was rude to my face or at family events I figured it was the typical MIL stuff, I just smiled and let it go. I understand this is his mother, and he wouldn’t be the man he is today without her. I love him, and I know he cares about her. Therefore I care about and respect her too, for his sake.

However, this has never been reciprocated by her and now it is getting worse. I don’t even want to be with him anymore because being with him basically means being with her too.

She is rude to me and manipulative to her son and family. She openly makes comments about how unfit I am for her son. A few Christmas’ ago she made an extremely horrible comment about me, to her son, at the dinner table. In front of the whole family. Grandma stood up for me but the fiancé did not. Then, the whole family started fighting and she cried and then everyone left! On the way home I was crying and telling my fiancé how much it hurt that he didn’t stand up for me and he just said “oh well that’s my mom. She’s just being herself. And that’s not even that mean, you are being dramatic.”

And everything has basically gone down hill from there. She blocked me and deleted me not only on social media but in real life.
I’m not allowed or even invited to come to come to family events, big or small. I’m not even allowed to come to her house if my fiancé goes to visit her.

She randomly shows up at our place uninvited, without even calling or texting first, and throws a fit on the doorstep if her son doesn’t let her in. If he doesn’t return her calls or text she blames me saying I’m “controlling him” and then she will drive to his work and stalk him until he gets off to talk to him (he works an hour and a half away from where she lives).

She also has a hand in all his finances and controls him with those. I talked to him about how I should be the one he comes to for finances considering we live together and have an apartment together. He agreed and I thought things got better.

Turns out he has been lying this whole time and has a secret relationship on the side with his mother this whole time. He’s been having her pay for his half of our apartment and his car too. They talk almost daily and he deletes the messages.

The only reason I found out is because I sent a really nice (I thought) text to his mom and she sent a nasty response. I messaged saying I miss them and hope they will be a part of the wedding planning process. I also asked how her and my fiancé were doing since I know they had been fighting lately and he hadn’t mentioned her. I asked if there was anything I could do on my end to help and invited her to a coffee or dinner date for some girls time. 

Her response was “MY son and are perfectly fine considering we talk everyday and he LOVES me more then ANYTHING. I think YOU are the one who should be asking yourself these questions considering he’s been lying to you and coming to ME for help all this time. I AM his family and I ALWAYS will be.” (I used capitalization because that’s where she used it.)

I brought it up to him and he said “yeah I know she told me oh well sorry I lied.” 

I feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and lost. This is the man I have been with for almost a decade. He is my best friend and I love him more then anything. We just started planning our wedding and all of a sudden I can’t even see myself being happy with him. He says he loves me, but I feel like his actions don’t show it.

What do I do? Is there any hope left for us? Should I keep trying to talk to him? Should I keep trying to reach out to his mom? Should I leave him? Should I kick him out? Should I seek counseling?


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## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

Run away. As fast you can. Just be thankful you’re not married as she won’t change. 

Do you really want to be with a man who won’t stand up to his mother for someone who is gonna be number one in his life? His wife to be! 

And letting his mom pay for his half of apartment and car, all the while hiding it from you? Big red flag there. Just tell your fiancé that his mom won and you’re out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Run. Don't walk. Run.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Run for the hills child. This will never get better. She controls her family thru her drama and poor me act. This is a lady who expects her son to give in to her wishes and take her side. He will never change.

It will get worst once you have kids when she will try to undermine your parenting skills and i sert herself and influence on your kids.

Better to cut it off now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You don’t have a problem with your future mil,you have a problem with the little boy who you are engaged to.Please send him home to his mommy,he is not husband material and never will be.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Before you told us his mommy is paying his rent and he lied about it, I was going to suggest getting some premarital counseling to work through the family issues; but now...

Just dump him!


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

Tay6509 said:


> He’s been having her pay for his half of our apartment and his car too.


Why? can your fiance not afford his half? in which case, did he have other ways of paying without asking his mother? Because if he had no other options than to ask his mother then I can kind of understand why he did it, though he shouldn't have hidden it


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

Why don't you have a heart to heart with Grandma, who sounds like she may be sympathetic to you, and may have influence with the mom, or some better idea of whats going on


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your fiance is a coward and a liar. There really isn't anything else to say.....except run for the hills...NOW !!!!


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

It's pretty clear she is more important then you, and always will be. How would you feel about this happening forever? Or if you have kids, are you OK with your children being treated like you, or worse, being treated like him?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Take it from one who tried and failed to tolerate this sort of relationship - run away and never look back. The only way to "win" here is to stop playing the game. Leave them to their sick dysfunction.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

@Tay6509, call off the marriage, immediately. tell him that you absolutely refuse to marry someone who sees nothing wrong with letting people treat his fiance like crap. 
he has already told both you and your mother that he is perfectly fine with her treating you like crap. and, he is ok with your mother rubbing it in your face. 
dont stand for it. leave. if he wakes up one day and decides to cut the umbilical, then maybe you two can get back together. but if you dont stand up for yourself now, he will NEVER stand up for you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Dump him.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

What are your options? 
Stick around and deal with this for the REST of your life? 
It will get harder and crazier if you have children for her to grab onto

Or do you cut ties and start over.... I know this is the hard route, but it can be the happier and better route aswell. The voice in your head is going to look back and tell you that 'you wasted so much time' with this guy. You need to shut that voice up and focus on your future... Your past is gone, what do you want for tomorrow.

Dont settle just because things feel too hard to change


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

georgieporgie said:


> Why don't you have a heart to heart with Grandma, who sounds like she may be sympathetic to you, and may have influence with the mom, or some better idea of whats going on


This will just drag the relationship on for longer. Grandma hasn't been able to change her daughters horrible attitude in 40+ years... I quick chat is not going to do anything at all except provide false hope that things will get better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for decades to a man who did things behind my back regarding his family and lied about them. We were very young when we met and I felt he would eventually grow up. Guess what? He didn't. If you don't want the kind of life I had then you need to end it now. It can and likely will get a lot worse in the decades to come if you stay.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and he?

I was married to a guy in a similar situation. It does not get better. Don't marry him. He's already married to his mother.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's all too apparent that your fiancées allegiance is to his Mom, and unfortunately not to you!

There will be no "changing of the guard" regarding her demeanor, as over the course of time, her abhorrent behavior toward you and her controlling behavior of her son will continue to the saturation point! He didn't stand up for you in front of his family ~ what makes you think he's going to start anytime soon? In my estimation, he's more than displayed his true colors! They've given you, IMHO, a long, sobering glimpse into the future!

Unless you're fully prepared for enduring a hellish lifetime of misery from them both, you should break off your engagement to him immediately!*


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Do not for one minute think you can change or make your fiancé into a responsibility man and not the man-child his is. If you marry him, you
Will be marrying his mother and she will never change. Save yourself the headache and walk away.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think it’s a unanimous decision on this. 

Run girl run.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Don't marry mom's little boy. Tell him
to cut the apron strings and grow up.
When he grows up maybe marry him.
Until then move on and then maybe
when he see's your gone he may 
grow up.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

You need to end this relationship. Do NOT marry him. This woman is toxic and will make your like a living hell. I can't believe you've put up with her BS for this long! 

She will never change. She'll always treat you like crap. 

He will never change. He will let her run his life until she dies, and he will keep lying to you. 

A house built on a foundation of sand cannot stand. If you marry him, you will be miserable for the rest of your life... or you will end up getting a divorce, eventually.

You are young, and he isn't the only man in the world. There are other men who can love you much better than this one, and mothers who will love you, treat you with respect, and welcome you into their family. 

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