# LD/ A-Sexual



## Simple Dude (Dec 21, 2016)

Our these two identities similar, If a Spouse is LD can we suggest they are boulder line A- sexual ?? People don't like labels put on them. But by doing so it seems by admitting it the OP can understand where they stand with them.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sure some people are asexual yet they are a very small population.

More often spouses who are low drive/desire, are that way as a consequence of having partners who are sexually passive, or not good at sex. Or they resent their partners or have grown tired of them, or they have extramarital sexual partners etc. Yet that doesn't mean they dislike sex at all.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think there is a continuum from typical sexual interest through LD to totally asexual. Not sure asexuality (or at least LD) is that uncommon. 

Some people are LD for their particular partners, but others have minimal interest in sex with anyone, ever. (men as well as women)


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I like David Schnarch's approach to the LD/HD question. There is no right or wrong amount of sex or anything in a marriage, there are only compromises that will change over time that work for both partners. It does not matter if within the marriage you talk about how much football on TV to watch a week, how much chocolate ice cream to have a week, or how much sex, they are are compromises and my change from year to year or month to month.

To me my wife who seems to enjoy sex one a week to once every week and a half seems LD. To another man she might seem HD. I want sex 3 times a week but have negotiated with the help of a sex therapist to be satisfied with sex twice a week. That seems HD to my wife, but might be way to LD for some other woman.

There is no right or wrong amount of sex. No one is broken and needs to be fixed. What needs to happen is that the two of you need to understand each others needs, the role of sex (or chocolate ice cream) in marriage and what makes sense for the two of you.

Remember your spouse is not broken and in need of fixing. You can't change your spouse, only they can change themself.

Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Simple Dude said:


> Our these two identities similar, If a Spouse is LD can we suggest they are boulder line A- sexual ?? People don't like labels put on them. *But by doing so it seems by admitting it the OP can understand where they stand with them.*


I think in the quest to understand and discharge blame away from one's self, that this would seem logical. Especially if the LD spouse admits to being very frustrated with his/her own lack of desire and/or ability to get aroused. 

In reality the notion of this question exemplifies one's inability to understand and come to terms with the natural dynamics of almost all relationships. Some people call it the expiration of NRE. Some people see other couples somehow maintaining NRE past it's expiration point and then asking how to get it back and if it is possible to do so in their own relationship or if they just need to walk away and begin a new one to get it back and see if it can be kept instead of lost on this second chance. 

I'm the kind of guy that would read the above and get furious because I don't understand what the acronym NRE represents. Google says it is "Non-recurring engineering." To that I'd think to myself that is indeed very hard to sustain in a long term relationship. How could one possibly engineer never ending lust and sexual chemistry into a relationship. In reality NRE in this context means "New Relationship Energy." But I think google's meaning here is more accurate as it applies to new relationships:



> Non-recurring engineering (NRE) refers to the one-time cost to research, design, develop and test a new product or product enhancement. When budgeting for a new product, NRE must be considered to analyze if a new product will be profitable.


Now if we apply google's meaning of NRE to sex, in a new relationship it is easy to do this and observe the sexual wellbeing of the relationship improve. In a new relationship a man comes home from the store with flowers and tells his spouse that he loves her - BAM panties hit the floor. Twenty years later in the relationship a man comes home from the store with flowers and tells his spouse that he loves her - BAM he gets rejected because she knows it is a ploy just to get more sex. So obviously the man needs to come up with a new solution and odds are it is going to be more challenging and it is unknown if the quality of sex in the relationship will improve. Once this challenge becomes so daunting it is perhaps perceived that one is barking up the wrong tree and perhaps that other partner is asexual, because in that case one can stop trying to solve the problem and perhaps learn to just accept it for what it is. 

However psychologist suggest that sexual desire and drive in the form of Lust, Romance, and Attachment are unsustainable in the long term. Those are eventually to be replaced with a fourth and much more powerful form of sexuality. The best analogy is perhaps akin to switching from gear driven gasoline over to a diesel-electric transmission:



> Internal combustion engines only operate efficiently within a limited torque range, and while low power gasoline engines can be coupled to a mechanical transmission, the more powerful diesel engines required the development of new forms of transmission. This is because clutches would need to be very large at these power levels and would not fit in a standard 2.5 m (8 ft 2 in)-wide locomotive frame, or wear too quickly to be useful. The first successful diesel engines used diesel–electric transmissions


So sex in a new relationship in my opinion is like zipping around in a little spots car. Once you settle down, grow the relationship and have a family, a sports car is not going to get the job done anymore. You need a sex drive capable of pulling about 5000 tons of cargo. Try pulling that with a Ferarri Spider! It is not going to work!!!!

For those in relationship that have experienced sexuality that can overcome and actually move 5000 tons of cargo, it makes the little Ferarri look like a freaking joke.

So what is the fourth and more powerful sexual drive?

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> There is no right or wrong amount of sex or anything in a marriage, there are only compromises that will change over time that work for both partners. It does not matter if within the marriage you talk about how much football on TV to watch a week, how much chocolate ice cream to have a week, or how much sex, they are are compromises and my change from year to year or month to month.


I completely agree that this is correct, with one caveat. Sex is unlike almost any other item in marriage, because it is the only item where you pledge exclusivity. My wife is free to watch tv or eat chocolate ice cream or do just about anything without me (and with other people). Except sex. So if she wants to eat chocolate ice cream while I watch the football game, neither of us is particularly bothered. But if I want to go have sex with someone else while my wife watches tv, there is going to be a price to pay and it may well destroy our marriage.

So the mindset and mechanism for reaching a compromise (if one is available) is the same for sex as for other areas of disagreement. Just makes it harder to handle emotionally / psychologically when it appears that no compromise or overlap is available as to sex.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> I completely agree that this is correct, with one caveat. *Sex is unlike almost any other item in marriage, because it is the only item where you pledge exclusivity.* My wife is free to watch tv or eat chocolate ice cream or do just about anything without me (and with other people). Except sex. So if she wants to eat chocolate ice cream while I watch the football game, neither of us is particularly bothered. *But if I want to go have sex with someone else while my wife watches tv, there is going to be a price to pay and it may well destroy our marriage.*
> 
> So the mindset and mechanism for reaching a compromise (if one is available) is the same for sex as for other areas of disagreement. Just makes it harder to handle emotionally / psychologically when it appears that no compromise or overlap is available as to sex.


The point we both agree on is *"with someone else."*

I read so much on this forum about spouses who are upset that their H (or W) watches porn and masturbates without them. I see others who want to force their spouse to have frequent sex with them and who will not settle for anything less that enthusiastic sex from their spouse.

When I was in a sex starved marriage, someone offering me advice asked me to think about sex like a pig rolling in mud. I wanted sex, and my wife didn't. I loved to "roll in mud" and my wife didn't. I insisted that she roll in the mud WITH ME AND ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE FREQUENTLY. I had no right to force her to change just because it was what I wanted.

That insight helped me understand that I needed to change myself and change the dynamics within my marriage or end the marriage. I choose to improve myself and work with my wife and professionals on improving my marriage.


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