# Seperated and seeing each other.



## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

My husband took the day off so that while my daughter is in school we can spend some time together. We are newly seperated, he moved out last friday. 

How have other people handled seperations? Have other people communicated while seperated? Husband states that we are "together" just living apart so he can remove himself from the situation and hopefully get some clarity and work through his issues. 

He wears his wedding ring, he says that everything is going to stay the same, were just not living together. He wants to come over a couple times a week, dinner and movie type of thing. 

Also, prior to the seperation we had a "lull" in out sex life. We were having sex once a week or once every 2 weeks. Since planning the seperation and him being gone weve had sex 3 times and it's crazy amazing. 

I have heard alot of people say that if there is an "affair" then the person having it doesn't want sex with there partner. I guess they feel like there cheating on the "other person" instead of the spouse? Is there any truth to this? 

Anyone else deal with this?


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

kgregory1011 said:


> My husband took the day off so that while my daughter is in school we can spend some time together. We are newly seperated, he moved out last friday.
> Anyone else deal with this?


That is an AWESOME separation! In most cases, one spouse wants to be completely cut off from the other for a time. Rejoice in the connection he wants to have with you and seek to be understanding. Listen... a lot. 

PJ


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

kgregory1011 said:


> My husband took the day off so that while my daughter is in school we can spend some time together. We are newly seperated, he moved out last friday.
> 
> How have other people handled seperations? Have other people communicated while seperated? Husband states that we are "together" just living apart so he can remove himself from the situation and hopefully get some clarity and work through his issues.
> 
> ...


My situation was similar.

Not sure what your background is, but my wife was having EA's and talking to several other guys through e-mails, texts, Facebook, etc.

We went through periods when we tried no contact, and other times it was like we were still married but just slept in different places.

Initially I DO think my wife used her freedom to explore these other eletronic friendships. I don't think it ever went further than that.

I received conflicting advice about sex. Our marriage therapist said that any positive interaction was a good thing - so she encouraged sex. Another poster here mentioned that the only person you should sleep with is your spouse, so it is reasonable to continue meeting each others needs.

At one point the sex did make things a bit complicated. We had a nice weekend - long story -but my wife later accused me of "using her."

The theory about sex and affairs that I've always heard is that any "change" in sex can indicate there is an affair. Our sex life got better before I discovered wife's EA's. She was basically getting excited by all of the attention and I was at least the one recieving the benefits. So, I wouldn't conclude that he's being faithful based on sex alone.

After a year, my wife has moved home. Its only been a few weeks, but so far things are going OK - much better than they were a year ago before she moved out.

Its hard, but it can work. Good luck.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. 

Did you date for the year you were apart?

We are still married, he just lives somewhere else. We have agreed that there is to be noone else involved. 

My husband had a "friendship and flirting" with a co worker, a couple phone calls and alot of texts. He also said a couple unpleasant things to someone on twitter. I really don't think he is sleeping with anyone else. 

Wednesday he is going to see a psychiatrist about possible "borderline personality disorder" He has been diagnosed in the past with situational anxiety and depression due to his 20 yr high profile military career. 

Guess Im going to continue to support him. People are soo quick to throw marriages away, makes me sick.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

kgregory1011 said:


> Did you date for the year you were apart?


No - didn't really date. Had planned to, but it was hard to get on the same page. A lot of ups and downs. Having two kids made it kind of hard as well.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

My wife told me 2 months ago that she was moving out and has been gone about a month...intimacy has been pretty much non-existant prior to all of this, but I feel like we are bonding better now than when she lived here...

I don't chase her but she is calling more, stopping by more...I think to check to see if I am drinking (I'm not)...I spend most of my time working around the house, spending time with my 16 year old son...reading...

Kinda strange, the stronger I get, the more I heal, the weaker she seems to me...I want her back in the worst way, but it is no longer about me getting better, I too need to see some changes in her...the other day I had to take off from work to take our son to the doctor, it was her day off and she was out with friends...that selfishness won't go if she wants things to get better for us...

oh well, I'm not perfect...but I am liking more and more what I see in the mirror everyday!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

DjF said:


> My wife told me 2 months ago that she was moving out and has been gone about a month...intimacy has been pretty much non-existant prior to all of this, but I feel like we are bonding better now than when she lived here...
> 
> I don't chase her but she is calling more, stopping by more...I think to check to see if I am drinking (I'm not)...I spend most of my time working around the house, spending time with my 16 year old son...reading...
> 
> ...


My self esteem was definitely strengthened during our separation. And I think the turning point was when she realized that I would be just fine without her. Logic, reason, begging, yelling - none of it worked until I felt I could move along on my own.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband and I have been separated for two weeks. I'm still at our home with the two kids and he's staying at his father's house. Basically we separated due to his alcoholism and depression. It's been really bad since summer. He's already been in detox once and then had a relapse this fall. 

He was supposed to go to detox and didn't and we were told by social services that he wasn't allowed to stay alone with our two kids..so he moved out. He hasn't worked since mid November. This makes me the soul provider and I can't afford to pay for the upkeep and utilities on the house we rent so I've since gotten a lease for a two bedroom apartment, which we are due to move into at the end of the month. He plans to stay at his father's house. His father has been in the hospital since October due to a broken hip and he's due back next week. He says he has to look after his father and then "perhaps" in January he'll go to detox and counseling. 

The first week was pretty hostile. He'd come in and say nasty things and very grudgingly paid a few bills. I stopped taking his calls unless he left a message and I could discern whether or not I'd get upset talking to him. In the meantime I had started looking for an apartment and working to make money to clean up the financial mess we were in. 

Then last Friday he came in and I told him my plans about moving. He knew what getting a 2 bedroom apartment meant: That it would be at least a year and a half until my 16 year old daughter left for college before we would be living together. We both agreed that we loved each other and didn't want to divorce. I told him I had no intention of dating anyone else and he said the same. 

Since then we've spent a few days and nights together and things have been good, but not what we once were. He drinks and smokes like crazy and has mood swings. He's not the man he was last year, when we were going out on weekends and having fun together but I'm grateful to have his company. I've told him that he's welcome to drop by the house whenever he wanted for now. What happens after we move will still have to be determined. 

So we are separated but not living together. The situation has indeed improved. We aren't fighting and screaming at each other. I do not feel the anger or pain I did before. I'm not bugging him and he's not emotionally/verbally abusing me. He is drinking but he'd doing it quietly and it's not affecting me or our business because I'm taking care of both the house and business. I'm not sure what he's doing at his father's house. I'm hoping eventually he'll go to detox and get sober and start working again. 

Part of me is still relieved that things are better than before he left. I am starting too feel good towards him (I still love him very much) but a part of me is still scared and wants to hold back. I also feel that I need to give him his space and not bug him about things. 

Still I worry that he might never go detox or counseling. He doesn't seem to want to talk or discuss the situation. It's pretty scary stuff. Am I just wasting my time with him? I don't want to meet anyone else and feel strongly that as long as we are married I will not date or be involved with another man. I want to make it work with him. I'm just hoping that he'll want to fix our relationship and be a family so much that he will take the steps necessary to make himself whole again. 

So I guess I just take it one day at a time. In the meantime I'm extremely busy working, getting ready for the move, taking care of the kids, etc. I'm hoping he'll want to become part of our lives again and want to get better. At this point I can't do anything to MAKE him get better. I tried that and failed. It's up to him. 

I guess I just have to be patient.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

When I was married to my ex, we separated twice before the third and final time when I filed for divorce. Both times, I wanted pretty much no contact with him. In fact, the only contact we had was going out to dinner once where it was decided he'd come back. We never worked our issues out. 

As for the affair and not wanting sex with the spouse...I don't know in general, but I know when my ex cheated on me, he still always wanted sex from me. I suppose some people might feel that way, but I don't think you can use that as a guideline to determine if there's cheating. 

I think all you can do is just keep going, go to counseling, spend time with him as you both feel comfortable with, and see where it all goes.


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