# I need an man's advice.



## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

So my husband and I are finally talking. We spent some time just talking and listening and actually didn’t argue. YAY! He said something that has me puzzled. Can a man please help me with this?

A little background: I do a lot of things. I work on cars, do home improvements, build things, etc. These are all things my husband can do, although we go about things completely differently. Basically if going from point A to point B we would have completely different ways of getting there but would both get there.

One of the things he said is that I make him feel stupid. I asked why. He gave an example of something that had happened a few hours prior. I was online looking up something. He came in. I asked him if he knew where a specific part was. He looked and said, “I think this is it right here.” I said, “Ok, thanks.” I already had the diagram pulled up so I found it on the diagram and then finished what I was doing. He said my continuing to look at the diagram made him feel stupid because I didn’t take his word for it.

Another example he gave is if I ask him something and then question his response he feels I’m arguing with him. He said it’s not the way I say it (because I asked). A typical thing would be, “Babe, I’m going from point A to point B. How would you do it?” He would say, “I would do X, Y and then Z.” I might say, “Well, I was going to go from Z, to Y, and then to X because I’m not strong enough to do it the other way around. Is there a reason it has to be done in that order?” He would come back with whatever reason or maybe nothing. How is questioning or asking more detail arguing? Usually I’m asking why what I want to do won’t work. And again, he said it wasn’t the way I say it and couldn’t give me a reason other than because he’s a man.

He also says he feels stupid if I ask his opinion and don’t follow his advice. This does happen, but since when do I have to follow every piece of advice I’m given? No, I didn’t ask him that! In reality, sometimes I do it my way. Sometimes he has valid points and I do it his way. Sometimes I pick both approaches apart and do a little of both. 

Anyways, I guess my question is this… Should I just quit asking for his advice? I ask because he is an intelligent person and I really value his input. I told him this. I refuse however to be bound to always doing it his way just because I asked. I like having different options to choose from. Please men tell me, what am I doing wrong? I did ask my husband but couldn’t understand his responses. It basically boiled down to, “because I’m a man.” I didn’t want to push it because I don’t want to argue. Anyways, thanks!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He may be telling you he feels stupid b/c you havent told him what a big strong man he is and thanking him for marring you.
Then go about your busness your way with a smile on your face and his.
We all have egos and bride and when it comes to compliments we can never get enough. 
So ask away, and throw him a pat on the back.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Gues what? Guys do that to each other. You've encroached into an area many men consider their one and only advantage in a relationship. Maybe it's just as simple as that?

Likely, he's intimidated by your mechanical aptitude and just needs to learn to handle it like an adult.

Because I tend to be obsessed with learning practical things, my popularity among my wife's female relatives is directly proportional to their computer problems, plumbing, mechanical, etc. My brother in law fumes when I even try to help him around his home. So, since he spends weeks at a time in Asia, my sister in law lines up projects for me to do while he is away.

I would really think if he repeatedly heard your comments within the post, about your respect for his abilities, he would be able to change his approach to an appreciation of your talents.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think I function about like any other guy. I don't just talk for the enjoyable sounds bumping gums make. If I turn to someone for advise, it's because I think they have more expertise on the subject than I do and I will generally follow their advise. If I don't intend to follow their advise, I don't ask for it. If I don't care about someone's opinion, I don't seek it. My wife asks for opinions she obviously doesn't want frequently and it drives me up a tree. She doesn't seek input from me, only validation for a choice she's already made. Paint colors are a prime example. I bet she has asked my opinion on paint colors 100 times and never has accepted a suggestion yet. If you don't care about the response, don't waste my time asking. 
If you want to fix the lawnmower your way, then drive on, but why ask his opinion if his answer is not going to have any impact on your course of action? It's just a needless waste of his time and yours. If you have a diagram and that is going to be your authority for finding a part, why ask him? That's about like someone coming to the police department to ask me a legal question. I give them the answer and in my presence, they get on-line and start searching for the answer. It would piss me off. It's disrespectful. It's basically telling me that I'm incompetent and it's a total waste of my time. If your coworker interrupted your work to ask you how to perform a particular task and then proceeded to do it their own way, wouldn't that piss you off? It'd be just an irritating waste of energy.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tell you what, let him do more of the things that you do, fix things, work on the car, etc., and make sure you thank him for his efforts, even if the results aren't always up to par.

And when you have those "point A to point B" debates, let him know that you value his opinion, even if you do ultimately decide to do it your way.

My wife lets me try, and yes, she has watched me fail repeatedly. (someday I'll tell you about the simple replacement procedure in the bathroom sink that turned into a multi-hundred dollar plumbing fiasco! LOL). But she does not act like the exasperated mother who pulls her kid out of the way and says "Get out of my way I'LL do it!"


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Thought of one thing that may help you in this situation. For a few years, I worked in a corporate position called a 6 Sigma Black Belt. Basically, we led teams of professonals and used statistical and financial tools to cut waste from the company. We would look at processes and try to determine a better way of doing it. It was a very high pressure job, and rubbed alot of people wrong. 

The first thing we are taught is to avoid a certain personality type. This is the kind've person who thinks their way is the only way of doing things, and they get offended by the type of person (apparently you) who likes to explore options and select the best method. Basically, when working around these types, we had to be careful to explain and compliment frequently.

He likely doesn't realize that your personality drives you to explore options, and you appreciate his input regardless of whether you use it.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

***Tell you what, let him do more of the things that you do, fix things, work on the car, etc., and make sure you thank him for his efforts.

I would actually LOVE this! But if my car is making a noise he doesn't hear it until it dies. He'll be getting around to changing the oil for 20,000 miles, etc. There are a lot of things that he can do but generally doesn't. 

There are at least 3 things I absolutely cannot do or won't because I'm scared. lol #1 electricity #2 dead things #3 mice He can do all three but I usually have to pay someone... 

Anyways, we have been at odds lately so the compliments have not been flowing freely in either direction. It's a new complaint even tho it's been going on for years. That's probably it. He likes to be my hero, and I'm sure I haven't made him feel that way lately.

Unbelievable - Wow. Maybe your wife just wants to talk to you? Did you read what I wrote? I don't ask an opinion on a paint color or on anything that I've already decided and would not at least consider his input. He does not want to work on the house and tells me to do whatever I want re decorating and colors. I will, however, ask him if he likes it or can at least live with it. If he says no then I won't paint that color.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

AWife said:


> ***There are at least 3 things I absolutely cannot do or won't because I'm scared. lol #1 electricity #2 dead things #3 mice He can do all three but I usually have to pay someone...
> .


My wife will not even assist me anymore when I do electrical work. As a result, I had to buy one of those tester thingies to make sure the circuit was dead before I touched it.

Boy, she sure was mad when she found out those things existed!!!

Just Kidding!!!


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## SECEST (Oct 4, 2010)

I guess that we men always like the idea of saving a "damsels in distress". If you come asking for an advise we thing you come to a man to sort out your problem. You taking the advise and not allowing MEN to do their DUTY only messes up our personal egos.

You do your thing but understand how we think and let him feel worthy...we need that


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you're going to look it up on the internet anyway, don't ask.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Us guy just want to be heros and when we get a that aboy its very cool. 
It sound like he's a pain in the butt (so am I) but you signed in on this site, so I'll take it that you love him, so don't make him feel stupid make him feel loved. He is your hero, isn't he?


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

Honestly, he used to be my hero. He still is, but I think it got lost somewhere.... I'd love to get it all back tho. He is a pain in the butt, but I am too.  He's my pain in the butt.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is value in getting things done right. There is more value in getting things done adequately in such a way as to also strengthen your relationship. Even if you can do something better, unless you are defusing a bomb, let him occasionally do it and make a little bit of a fuss over how helpful he's been. What's the harm? Makes him feel good about himself and makes him want to do more for you. My wife isn't Julia Child, but her food never killed anyone and it makes her feel good about her role as wife and nurterer if I take seconds and compliment her cooking. I may not really like the squash casserole all that much, but I do appreciate the love and effort that went into it. So what if he isn't Bob Villa? He's still a guy and likes to feel needed and respected. Let him occasionally fill the role the Almighty put him in. With a little encouragement, he might surprise you.


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## lonely man (Oct 7, 2010)

Encourement goes a long way with guys. Were ego maniacs down under


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

For some men it does piss them off if you ask their opinion and just go ahead and follow your own suggestion anyway. To them they are thinking "well what the heck did you ask me for if you were just going to do it your way?"


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

let him occasionally do it

I would happily let him do those things 100% of the time and would be totally happy with however he did it. I do it myself most of the time because if I don't it'll never get done. This is with the exception of the rare thing that I really want to do. That is, however, a separate issue.


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