# Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals



## Chooseluv

Hello kind readers,

I've been married for 2.5 years, with a 1 year old. My marriage has been rocky for the past year. My husband told me he wants to separate, and asked me to move out. I told him I didn't see it coming and needed time, so we are still living together. I want us to try to save our marriage. I told him we should seek help (therapy or counseling), but he said he wasn't interested. We are civil with each other-we only speak when necessary. But here is my dilemma:
-The night he told me he wanted to separate, I was very emotional and couldn't stop crying. So I snuck into another bedroom to sleep and to calm myself. When he discovered I wasn't in the same room, he looked for me and told me he wanted me to sleep next to him. So I agreed.
-The next day we watched a movie at home together, as if nothing happened.
-He still texts me daily when he's at work to ask about our baby, and when he's on his way home.
-He is still eating dinner with me every night.

I'm so confused. I thought he would be cold and distant, or staying late at work purposely to avoid me.
Does he want to separate or not? I'm afraid to ask him for fear of pushing him away even more. 
Does anyone have thoughts on this?
Thank you.


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## EleGirl

Did he way why he wanted a divorce.

Why does he expect you to move out? Does he expect you to take your baby with you? 

If he wants someone to move, he needs to move. 

Even if you want to fix the marriage, I suggest that you start learning your rights. One of the rights you have is that he cannot kick you out of the marital home. It is as much your legal residence as his.

Do you have a job? Or are you completely dependent on him financially?

Have you checked to see if he is cheating?


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## FeministInPink

I agree with @EleGirl, if he wants the separation, he can move out. He has no right to ask you to move out.

I also want to know his reasons for wanting the separation. Did he give any specific reasons? Have the two of you tried counseling? If so, how did that go?

You said that your relationship has been rocky--are these new issues, or old issues? Having a new baby can put a lot of strain on a young marriage. Have one (or both) of you been prioritizing the baby over your marriage?


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## farsidejunky

Check your phone bill for any number contacted via text or voice call that you don't know.


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## Chooseluv

We've been disconnected since I became pregnant, and postpartum didn't help (still might be going through it). His job and elderly parents consumed a lot of time. My main issue is that our baby and I are not his priority. I built up resentment toward him and his family, and that's when things went downhill. We haven't been intimate or affectionate for a really, really long time, and zero communication. We just internalize everything, hoping it would just work itself out.
So, he is asking for a separation because he simply checked out of the marriage. I still want to save it. I asked for us to try therapy. He's reluctant.

But if he truly does want to break up, then why does he want to sleep in the same bed with me, let alone stand being in the same room with me?


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## Lostme

Have you asked him why?


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## *Deidre*

Sounds like there is someone else - and his being nice sounds like he doesn't want you to hurt him financially perhaps, in a divorce...so he'll ''play nice'' for now. He should move out, if he wants a separation.


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## Married27years

*Deidre* said:


> Sounds like there is someone else - and his being nice sounds like he doesn't want you to hurt him financially perhaps, in a divorce...so he'll ''play nice'' for now. He should move out, if he wants a separation.


He may be stringing you along and seeing if this other relationship works out before he separates. That way he doesn't have to be alone. Don't move out, if he wants to separate then he can leave.


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## aine

Cooseluv

When your H tell you that he wants to seperate, believe him and act accordingly. This is not going away.
He may be cheating on you thus confused as to whom he should pick though it could be that he is overwhelmed with his reponsibilities of parents, job and own family. 
Who stopped having sex? If it was you then maybe he resents you and is trying to shock you into a change. You cannot avoid this and rug sweep, sit him down and have a heart to heart to see what is on his mind. However, do not be a doormat. Then based on that do the following:

1. Tell your family and friends what is happening
2. Go to IC for yourself, so you can get some balance and peace
3. Start working on yourself, I know you have a small baby but you can still get out and join a mothers club etc
4. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are
5. Do the 180 on him, like your life depended on him.
6. Do not sleep in the room with him, if he requests your presense tell him he wants a seperation and you are giving him what he wants.


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## 3Xnocharm

If HE wants out, then HE needs to get out. DO NOT LEAVE.


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## Rockclimber

If you're not being intimate with your husband then he will look for intimacy elsewhere. I agree with everything that has been written so far, check his phone records.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

If you're withholding intimacy then divorce is simply the natural consequence of that choice. It doesn't have to mean he's cheating. Although it wouldn't be a surprise.


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## SunCMars

Chooseluv said:


> But if he truly does want to break up, then why does he want to sleep in the same bed with me, let alone stand being in the same room with me?


I do not rule out cheating.

He does love you.

That said, he may be [weakly][off-handedly][immaturely][stupidly] trying to "shock" you to your senses.

Rather than say "Our marriage is not a marriage", "I need communication, recognition, and intimacy", he pulls this, "We need to separate...sh!t", "You move out sh!t".

He is at his wits end. 

His wit is infantile.

You guys need counseling, provided he is not dipping his short wit somewhere else.


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## notmyrealname4

When he asked you to move out; what did he have in mind for the baby?

Were you supposed to leave WITH the baby? And go where? What would you do for money?

Or, was he going to take responsibility for the baby [and put the kid in daycare while he was at work?]

Both of those plans sound screwy to me.

Put that together with him telling you he wants you out; but still wants you to sleep next to him . . . and it's even weirder.

I agree that he is trying to get your attention by saying drastic sh.t that he doesn't really mean.

It's possible there might be someone else; though that's not certain.

Your relationship is only 2.5 years old. That's still the honeymoon stage. There should still be a lot of physical and sexual spark. What happened post partum to change all that?


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## turnera

Read this book, then come back:
His Needs Her Needs.


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## Relationship Teacher

Chooseluv said:


> Hello kind readers,
> 
> I've been married for 2.5 years, with a 1 year old. My marriage has been rocky for the past year. My husband told me he wants to separate, and asked me to move out. I told him I didn't see it coming and needed time, so we are still living together. I want us to try to save our marriage. I told him we should seek help (therapy or counseling), but he said he wasn't interested. We are civil with each other-we only speak when necessary. But here is my dilemma:
> -The night he told me he wanted to separate, I was very emotional and couldn't stop crying. So I snuck into another bedroom to sleep and to calm myself. When he discovered I wasn't in the same room, he looked for me and told me he wanted me to sleep next to him. So I agreed.
> -The next day we watched a movie at home together, as if nothing happened.
> -He still texts me daily when he's at work to ask about our baby, and when he's on his way home.
> -He is still eating dinner with me every night.
> 
> I'm so confused. I thought he would be cold and distant, or staying late at work purposely to avoid me.
> Does he want to separate or not? I'm afraid to ask him for fear of pushing him away even more.
> Does anyone have thoughts on this?
> Thank you.


Pregnancy and newborns throw many relationships into havoc. You aren't in uncharted territory.

What you can't do is give yourself up to "save" the marriage, there needs to be something left worth saving. That said, you have to do some heavy introspection and see (objectively) what has been going on. 

What are the signs and symptoms that have persisted?
What complaints has he been making?
What about your complaints?

Have there been issues relating to physical appearance?
What about sexual frequency pre-pregnancy versus now?

All you can do is be your self (the best one) and give him the freedom to take your hand. That is a very powerful bargain you are making. The answers to those questions I posed will enlighten me to give more advice. Even so, there is plenty of room for discussion with him. If you go into it well prepared, you can find out his reason for his announcement. I know it won't be tough, but the better you manage your emotions, the better he can feel comfortable speaking. After that, you can look at going into tried-and-true reconciliation frameworks. Rarely is the 1st announcement THE last straw. There tends to be a lot of room to pull on his heart strings, naturally drawing him back towards you.


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## NoChoice

OP,
Perhaps what your H truly wants is a marriage. What you described does not qualify. What you must decide is if a marriage is what you want. If it truly is then you must go about making what you have into a marriage. If he is indeed interested he needs to do likewise. I suggest that you sit down and have a rational discourse about what each of you really wants and then proceed accordingly. You expressed interest in saving your marriage but first there must be a marriage to save. You two sound more like roommates and business partners than H and W.

As others have said, sometimes people say things in desperation that they hope will effect change. Your H may indeed be using such an approach or he may be literally done with your arrangement. You must find out in order to move forward, either together or apart.


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## Wolfman1968

FeministInPink said:


> I agree with @EleGirl, if he wants the separation, he can move out. He has no right to ask you to move out.


Often true, but not always. Insufficient information from the OP to definitely say.

For example, since they've only been married 2.5 years, according to the OP, perhaps the home belongs to the husband, pre-dating their marriage? I don't know. Insufficient information to say WHO should move out.


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## arbitrator

*Then he's either "unknowingly" immature, or he's "knowingly" cheating on you!

Sounds greatly as if he "likes having his cake and eating it too!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars

Relationship Teacher said:


> Pregnancy and newborns throw many relationships into havoc. You aren't in uncharted territory.
> 
> What you can't do is give yourself up to "save" the marriage, there needs to be something left worth saving. That said, you have to do some heavy introspection and see (objectively) what has been going on.
> 
> What are the signs and symptoms that have persisted?
> What complaints has he been making?
> What about your complaints?
> 
> Have there been issues relating to physical appearance?
> What about sexual frequency pre-pregnancy versus now?
> 
> All you can do is be your self (the best one) and give him the freedom to take your hand. That is a very powerful bargain you are making. The answers to those questions I posed will enlighten me to give more advice. Even so, there is plenty of room for discussion with him. If you go into it well prepared, you can find out his reason for his announcement. I know it won't be tough, but the better you manage your emotions, the better he can feel comfortable speaking. After that, you can look at going into tried-and-true reconciliation frameworks. Rarely is the 1st announcement THE last straw. There tends to be a lot of room to pull on his heart strings, naturally drawing him back towards you.


All good questions. Relationship Teacher offers a good service. As do others, viz., @Emergingbuddhist, @Tunera, etc., on TAM. These are the calm, logical responders.

Logical questions [and answers] are the ones "most" overlooked, in general. 

In life, the "Flash gets the ...". You fill in the blank!

While, those advisory remarks from TAM bloggers, that trigger emotions get the most attention; they cloud over the quiet, thoughtful remarks, like the one's posted above.

Myself, I enjoy "firing down range and lighting em' up". Hell Fire missiles.

Love life....roll with the punches, laugh like booming hell.


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