# Husband lied again about chewing. Need advice please



## Ace2125

Hello Everyone,

I met my husband 7 years ago and at the time he was a chewer. I didn't like the fact but I figured it was his choice not mine. I just asked he not do it around me. After dating for some months he called me one day and said he was going to try to quit. I was shocked, yet happy. I let him know I would be there to support him. Following that he was very mean to me when I seen him and he told me "that if he just had a can we would be fine". He acted like it was my fault he was quitting and I didn't make that decision he did. But I figured he was probably going through hell so I would just ride it out and try to be supportive.

Fast forward another year, we got engaged and were planning our wedding, I was so proud of him and thought all was going well. But then that summer I started seeing stuff in his teeth so finally I asked him (not being confrontational at all) because I was hoping I was wrong. He admitted he had started again. I was so hurt & a bit mad. But I dealt with it and just thought once again it's his choice not mine.

He continued chewing for another year maybe, and for whatever reason decided to quit. I again was happy but leary. So I just went with it and took it one day at a time. Fast forward another 2 years and chewing wasn't a topic at all anymore besides him continually saying how glad he was to have quit and never wanted to go through that again, so I'm thinking all is well. Until one day I go with him to his work because he needed to get somethings being he was changing jobs, and here in his work area sits a can of chew. I calmly asked him about it and he told me it was old and had been there forever. I thought it was B.S. but it had been so long I wanted to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt, so I did.

Fast forward to last Friday, I had thought I was seeing stuff again in his teeth for a little while but I didn't want to ask being it had been 3 years, and by chance I would be wrong, so I waited to have proof and to actually see a can. We were out by his truck and I looked inside and here he had 2 cans hidden behind his seat. So again not being confrontational I asked "Are you doing something again"? He knew immediately what I meant and he lied right to my face and said NO, I don't think he thought I had seen the cans and by that time he had positioned himself so they would be out of my view but I had the proof right there so I pointed to them and said "yes you are, don't lie to me". He than said yes he had started doing it again but not all the time. He kind of acted like it was peer pressure, please, spare me!!! I was sooooo hurt and mad. This time I barked at him a little, I just couldn't help it.

It's not about the chewing as much as it's the lying to me, yes I don't like the chewing either but it's his continually being dishonest with me. I have a hard time trusting as it is and he keeps doing this. Now I'm questioning everything that he has told me, did he ever quit at all?? 

What hurts more is it didn't matter to him at all that he hurt me. He never called to talk about it. He came home friday night and didn't say a word about it, no I'm sorry, no nothing, he acted as if nothing ever happend. This has become the way he deals with things pertaining to us. 

Since starting this new job a few years ago and has become a completely different person. He doesn't communicate with me anymore, he's cold, distant, thoughtless, and disrespectful. He is so wrapped up in this job. He has completely neglected his marriage. I have questioned him on more than one occasion if he is cheating on me, the answer is always NO, but after lying to me so much how can I believe that is true anymore? I never dreamed this man would treat me this way, he used to be so caring, connected, he called me all the time, he was truly amazing. No it's like I don't exist. 

Prior to taking this job he was heartbroken and just sick if he hurt me and would do everything in his power to fix it ASAP. And now he just doesn't care at all. I know it's not the job's fault, I just find it crazy someone could change so much.

I am no angel at all, but for the most part I am good to this man, I feel like maybe I'm to good to this man. I have become cold since he started treating me this way since his job change. I'm just so sad to who he has become. I can't help but feel duped wondering if this was always how he was but was just able to hide it for the first 4 years.

I don't even recognize him anymore from how much he has changed "attitude wise". I can't talk to him because he does no wrong and he seems to just have washed his hands of the marriage. He acts like he is a cut above since changing jobs, he acts like he's better than me now and can act and do anything he chooses. He went from acting like he won the lottery and didn't deserve me, to basically not caring where I am, what I'm doing, how I feel, and like it wouldn't matter if I was here or left him. I catch rare glimpses of the man he used to be, but as the years pass he just acts worse.

I mentioned his job and attitude change because it adds too the pain I feel. I don't even know what to say to him anymore alot of the time but especially now after this. I've tried letting him know how I feel over the years but it falls on deaf ears. I feel like I can't talk to him anymore, he doesn't listen or hear a word I say. And I don't want to talk to him because he will just act like it's nothing or I'm the cause of all our issues.

And now since this happened he acts even more cold and standoffish to me. He avoids me. He hasn't told me "I Love You" since this happened on Friday. I don't understand he acts like it's my fault and I did this. Why punish me? I wasn't lying or hiding anything from him!

As I mentioned before catching him lying to me again makes me now question everything he says. Is he lying about more, is he hiding something worse?

I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and lost. Could you please offer some advice. Again so sorry this got long.

Thank you for reading!


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## Amplexor

I have removed your other post. Please do not create duplicate threads. Review the the forum rules for questions. Thank you.


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## Edo Edo

There are a couple things that you need to acknowledge. First, it's very likely that chew is his unhealthy default de-stressor. This means that if work or life factors are wearing on his, this is the substance he naturally turns to. At some point in his life (prior to meeting you) chew became his long term guilty pleasure outlet to relieve tension. Second, even if you did not force him to give it up in the beginning, at some point, you put enough pressure on him to come to that decision. At some point in your relationship, all the subtle barbs, jabs, eye rolls, etc. were enough to agitate/aggravate him to the point where he wanted to stop the chew on his own. You need to own the fact that you were still the catalyst for that change. While I agree with you that this physically was a benefit to him, I don't see where in your post he found a new de-stressor in his life. 

[Please note that I'm giving you these two points from HIS perspective to give you a better idea WHY things happened the way they did]

So whether directly or indirectly, you caused him to stop. As with many addictions, the person in question faltered a bit. At this point in the story, I'm curious by two different things you posted. Please elaborate on:
1. How were you supportive of your husband when he first told you that he was trying to quit. What did you say to encourage him? What did you do to encourage / support him? Be specific.
2. In what ways are you "no angel at all"? Be specific. 

These two points were glossed over in your story but could be a huge factor in how it turned out...


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## Ace2125

I didn't do any eye rolls, comments, or anything pertaining to him chewing. I may not have liked it but he was doing it since 15 so I knew it was his deal.
I only asked for him not to do it around me.

To answer your questions.
1. When he first told me he wanted to quit. I was very supportive. I told him I would be there for him. I went out and got him many things to keep his mouth busy. And let him know we could talk about it if he wanted to.
And I researched to know what to expect in the quitting process, to be able to understand what he would be going through.

Now after finding out he has lied to me about it so much after each time I have been hurt. The most recent time I got a little mad and hurt.

2. Me saying "I am no angel" what I mean is since he started being so different to me, I have also become distant and am not how I used to be as much. That maybe wrong of me, but I feel terribly neglected and like I no longer know this person. Disconnected is the best word.

I don't know how to react anymore. I don't trust him after this last event anymore. And that hurts me because he has always said to me "you need to trust me and have faith in me as your husband". I have and he does these things and continually shuts me out.

Like I said before I am just at a loss and feel devastated.


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## Hope1964

What exactly is 'chewing'???


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## As'laDain

Hope1964 said:


> What exactly is 'chewing'???


Dip. Copenhagen. Skoal. Grizzly. Long cut, pouches, etc. 

Where I grew up, It was called chaw. 

Usually, that was in reference to stuff like Redman, which is an actual chewing tobacco. From OP's description, I'm guessing dip, since Redman comes in pouches and dip comes in cans.


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## Ace2125

Yes he is using chewing tobacco


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## Hope1964

Oh ok.

So from what I understand, chewing tobacco is just as addictive as smoking it, is it not? I would think that lying about using it is because he can't quit. He probably feels like an utter failure. I sure did when I kept quitting smoking then starting again then quitting then starting, over and over, for literally decades, before I finally quit two years ago. And yes I lied about it to my husband. It's horrible. He found out a couple of times that I'd started up again before I decided to admit it to him, but thankfully he never reacted in anything but a supportive way, because he knew it had nothing to do with him.

You have no reason to feel 'devastated' here. This is not about you, it's about him. He needs your HELP, not your ire. Recognize this for what it is, not what you want to think it is. Believe me, he feels bad enough for not being able to kick the habit without you reacting the way you are.


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## turnera

Just as addictive and very dangerous for cancer and tooth/gum rot.

I'd start by reading this book; it will explain how your marriage is supposed to work, and you can use it to start shifting the marriage to healthier actions: His Needs Her Needs.


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## As'laDain

So, I have a buddy who managed to quit dipping by using a combination of fake dip (non tobacco alternative) and some vaping e-liquid. He basically put drops of the e-liquid in the can to give him the nicotine kick, and then basically just weaned himself off the nicotine over a couple weeks. Less and less drops. It had some hot peppers in it that made his gums burn like real dip.

Then he just started using the fake stuff less and less until he realizes that he had gone days without using.

OP, you have to u understand something... It's an addiction. One that he likely does not believe he is capable of beating. So, he is stuck with something that he does not thi k he can beat, and a wife who will resent him for it. 

He probably feels stuck.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Hope1964 is absolutely correct - this is *not about you*. But your constant need to 'catch' him all the time and think you're not being 'confrontational' when you throw it in his face that he's chewing again is exactly why he keeps lying to you about it. Whether you think you're being confrontational or not is immaterial - I get the impression you sound like his mother every time you catch him 'misbehaving.' 

I'm sure his original decision to attempt quitting a few yeas ago had a lot to do with you. He tried, he failed, and ever since then he's had it thrown in his face that he's 'doing it again.' Chances are, he's never stopped. He just got lazy a few times and you caught him occasionally over the years.

He chewed when you MET him. If you didn't like it, you should have found someone else to date. I'm a smoker and always avoided dating non-smokers like the plague. Sooner or later, they always start in with their bull**** about how you should quit. I'm not quitting for anyone but myself. And HE'S not quitting for anyone but himself.

Like I said, you CHOSE to stay with him so get off his back about it. Stop holding his one attempt years ago to quit over his head for the rest of his life because he wasn't successful at it.


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## Ace2125

But he is treating me so different since this happened. He hasn't said "I love you", he isn't coming home when he normally would have time to spend with me.

He is acting like I'm the one who kept something. 

I worry there's more to it, like someone else. And if I asked him now and he said no, I wouldn't believe him do to lying.


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## happy as a clam

The tobacco isn't the issue; it's the LYING.

His change in attitude towards you and your marriage is what's alarming here.

Hate to say it but probably time to start some snooping... his radical change in behavior sends up some serious red flags for another female in the picture.

IMHO, chewing is the least of your worries...


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## As'laDain

Ace2125 said:


> But he is treating me so different since this happened. He hasn't said "I love you", he isn't coming home when he normally would have time to spend with me.
> 
> He is acting like I'm the one who kept something.
> 
> I worry there's more to it, like someone else. And if I asked him now and he said no, I wouldn't believe him do to lying.



Start snooping.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

I disagree. When he made the attempt, he was showing a type of commitment to the relationship and gave her an expectation that that was the path he intended to follow. When he bailed from that, he bailed from the commitment he made.

However, since it appears there were multiple relapses prior to the wedding, OP should have realized what she was up against and made the break at that point. It was clear he wasn't that committed, so entering into the marriage hoping it would all sort itself out later was ostrich behavior.


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## Hope1964

Ace2125 said:


> But he is treating me so different since this happened. He hasn't said "I love you", he isn't coming home when he normally would have time to spend with me.
> 
> He is acting like I'm the one who kept something.
> 
> I worry there's more to it, like someone else. And if I asked him now and he said no, I wouldn't believe him do to lying.


Are there other things that make you think he might be doing more than lying?

Yes the lying is an issue, and one that needs to be addressed. But my guess is that he doesn't feel safe telling the truth. He's ashamed he failed to quit like he wants to. He's fighting an addiction, and not for the right reasons - he's trying to do it for someone else. He doesn't want to kick his habit, really - he wants to please his wife. That isn't going to work. The easiest thing by far is to just hide it. Which grows without him even knowing into a whole new series of lies. Especially when his wife takes it all personally, as if it's got anything to do with her.

You need to look at this as a 'me and him against the world' kind of problem. Not as him vs you. And he needs to want to quit FOR HIM. He isn't there yet.


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## Ace2125

The thing that leads me to believe it could be more than just chewing is that he is treating me so different.

He goes to the family business in the morning and usually comes home after that. He hasn't been home in the morning since this happened so since Friday.

The not saying "I love you" since this occurred.

He is avoiding me and our home.


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## Ace2125

I forgot I have been checking to see because of the attitude change and found Nothing, yet


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## turnera

Can you put a voice-activated recorder velcroed under the seat of his car? Have you checked the phone records for a new number he calls a lot?


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## Hope1964

He could just be embarrassed. Or doesn't want you to smell it. When I was hiding it from hubby I stopped kissing him as much because the smell was on my breath. My attitude definitely changed.

If you've never dealt with trying to quit an addiction it's hard to explain. It really is. It makes you do things you'd never even dream of doing otherwise. There's never been anything else ever that I lied to hubby about and that made me act cold towards him like that. Nothing even close. Tobacco/nicotine has been called more addictive than heroin and I believe it. People - normal, nice, well balanced people - do the most unbelievable things to get their fix.

Is any of my advice striking a chord with you?


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## drifting on

As a person who chews tobacco, has for over 37 years (started at a young age 😀), I can understand the dislike and OP asking for him to not chew around her. However, I did not see where it was an ultimatum that he quit. That said, I question why he lied to OP since he could chew as long as he didn't around OP. 

My perception of this is that he tried to quit, OP gave him validation and remarked how proud she was of him, and he couldn't admit he failed. His continued lying has now eroded OP's trust, as it should, but I don't think he has cheated. I don't think his avoiding the home or her is due to cheating. It's more about being called out as a liar and not being able to cope with that in an adult way. 

Also, chewing is usually regarded as a disgusting habit, spit bottles, cans, cups, spittoons, or whatever, are regarded as gross. I agree, so you never see me spit nor a container of any type, you also never know I'm even chewing. Quitting is difficult, but possible, just understand that chew has ten times the nicotine as a cigarette. 

OP, you need to address the lying and not the chewing. If he doesn't chew around you that should be fine, but most certainly you need to have the lying stop.


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## EleGirl

Ace2125,

You need to separate the different things that are going on.


Chewing
lying about chewing
him avoiding you.

He has an addiction to the chew. As addictions go, it's fairly mild. As long as he is not doing it around you, it's his issue. Leave it alone. I think you need to tell him that while you would like him to stop chewing, he has to decide if and when he does that.

Tell him that the lying about chewing is an issue with you. But when you do what you did.... saw the cans and confronted him you were playing the game 'gotcha' with him. That's not very nice at all. So he's chewing again. You might want to rethink asking him if he is. it's his business. 

If you want him to tell you the truth of what he's doing, you need to give him a safe environment in which he can tell you. Right now he rightly knows that it's not safe to tell you that he's chewing.

I think you need to apologize to him for confronting him about the chewing.

Now if you think he's up to something else, that has nothing to do with chewing. address that separately.


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## Ace2125

Checked phone records and Nothing


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## MrNightly

From a guys perspective, I think this is pretty straight forward:

You confronted him, multiple times, and have expressed displeasure in his habit. He can't kick it. He feels that he has disappointed you, which you have validated that he has.

He is regressing to work so he doesn't have to be a failure in your eyes anymore. 

Try this, whether you feel like it or not... sell it:

When he comes home next, Man up, Say you don't care if he chews or doesn't, you are madly in love with him, push him onto the bed, rip his clothes off and give him some mind blowing pleasure.

Then, when you are spooning afterwards, remind him that everybody fails, but you believe that he is a good man, and support him no matter what he is facing.

Then stop talking about it. Period.


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## MattMatt

He might need addiction counselling.


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## asgdf

Mr. Nightly's advice is sound.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

MrNightly said:


> From a guys perspective, I think this is pretty straight forward:
> 
> You confronted him, multiple times, and have expressed displeasure in his habit. He can't kick it. He feels that he has disappointed you, which you have validated that he has.
> 
> He is regressing to work so he doesn't have to be a failure in your eyes anymore.
> 
> Try this, whether you feel like it or not... sell it:
> 
> When he comes home next, Man up, Say you don't care if he chews or doesn't, you are madly in love with him, push him onto the bed, rip his clothes off and give him some mind blowing pleasure.
> 
> Then, when you are spooning afterwards, remind him that everybody fails, but you believe that he is a good man, and support him no matter what he is facing.
> 
> Then stop talking about it. Period.


Rewarding bad, harmful, disgusting, disrespectful behavior. Ugh


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## chillymorn69

He chews accept it and never mention it again. If he says hes going to quit just say ok . I know its hard and I'm glad you keep trying.


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## Tilted 1

Zombie thread


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## Lila

Inactive thread. Closing


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