# Help! Infidelity and separation after honeymoon!!



## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

I'm lost and confused. Me and my wife separated after just 7 months of marriage. What started as a 1-year passionate online romance that soon led to marriage has now become a living nightmare. 

When our relationship began, it was intense. My wife always called and texted me and told me the sweetest words I ever heard from a woman. She was very caring and fell in love with me online 'at first sight'. I spent the best 2 months together with her during our honeymoon stage (though we didn't travel for a honeymoon).

The nightmare began after I had to travel away for business and missed her birthday (and wasn't able to get her the gift she wanted). By the time forty days of my trip passed, she started switching off her phone every evening, and changed her attitude towards me.

When I asked her what's going, she plainly told me she has a 'boyfriend' who is taking care of her. That she doesn't love him but is just slept with him for her gain.

I was very upset and told her some bitter words that I can't be in a marriage with such a woman. That she has to stop. Now she says she's fallen out of love with me and that she has another boyfriend who is caring, who doesn't make her cry or tell her she is bad like me, and that she wants a divorce. "She needs someone to make her smile". She also mentioned that the boyfriend who helped her materially was just a lie she told me.

I'm confused, heartbroken and depressed. I don't know what to do. I love her, but feel she is abusing me emotionally. We've been separated for four months now, and in no contact for the past few weeks (I initiated the no contact as she was unrepentant).


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Psycho hose beast time!!!!

Get your marriage annulled and get rid of her, met a head case recently and think you married the equally evil twin.

Annulment and fast, then better to meet chicks in bars, they are real and you can get a feel for them and who they really are in person, not always possible through the screen of your computer is it.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Divorce or get an annulment ASAP. I'm not really sure what there is to think about.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

I agree with the others, dont give her even 1 more of your seeds!


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You've been duped and used for her selfish amusement. You're not the only she's duped either. 

Dissolve the marriage and salvage your dignity. Next time get to know someone in person, their family, their background and habits before you marry. 

Lesson learned.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Your wife's emotional maturity level must be that of a 13 year old. If she'll do this so early in the marriage, you'd be setting yourself up for repeat behavior and a life of misery. Consider yourself fortunate that she's revealed to you who she is now, rather than after wasted years and the complications of children.

She's made the choice and to be honest, I think you'd be foolish to consider trying to R with her. Head straight to D and stop all contact with her. Move on with your life and take care of yourself physically. Get counseling if you need it.

Trust me, the other posters will give you a consensus of opinion that will be the same.

Sorry you're here.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TotalRecall said:


> I'm lost and confused. Me and my wife separated after just 7 months of marriage. What started as a 1-year passionate online romance that soon led to marriage has now become a living nightmare.
> 
> When our relationship began, it was intense. My wife always called and texted me and told me the sweetest words I ever heard from a woman. She was very caring and fell in love with me online 'at first sight'. I spent the best 2 months together with her during our honeymoon stage (though we didn't travel for a honeymoon).
> 
> ...


Cuckoo..Cuckoo...Cuckoo...annulment time for you...and a straight jacket for her...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I annulled my first marriage after only a few months. It is much cheaper and faster than divorce. But you have to do it before one year from the wedding date. 

Do you live in the US?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I agree, thank her for blowing everything so early before you had kids and send her walking.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

TotalRecall said:


> I'm lost and confused. Me and my wife separated after just 7 months of marriage. What started as a 1-year passionate online romance that soon led to marriage has now become a living nightmare.
> 
> When our relationship began, it was intense. My wife always called and texted me and told me the sweetest words I ever heard from a woman. She was very caring and fell in love with me online 'at first sight'. I spent the best 2 months together with her during our honeymoon stage (though we didn't travel for a honeymoon).
> 
> ...


I would file for an anullment.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Your wife's emotional maturity level must be that of a 13 year old. If she'll do this so early in the marriage, you'd be setting yourself up for repeat behavior and a life of misery. Consider yourself fortunate that she's revealed to you who she is now, rather than after wasted years and the complications of children.
> 
> She's made the choice and to be honest, I think you'd be foolish to consider trying to R with her. Head straight to D and stop all contact with her. Move on with your life and take care of yourself physically. Get counseling if you need it.
> 
> ...


Well, thank you guys for the advice people. My rational mind is telling me one thing, but my heart and feelings are still with her. I also feel guilty for my own shortcomings, which my wife didn't waste time to point out to me.

I'm a struggling freelancer, and it was her idea to get married so fast, to which I agreed. After all I'm in my late 30s. (She's in her late 20s) Her family's the one who's been spending money during the marriage and for the two months I was with her. I just had to travel to do some work by myself as I felt I can't just be sitting doing nothing.

She told me she isn't satisfied with the marriage. That "I made her cry a lot". But there was only one time she cried in front of me, but it wasn't anything I've done. She wanted to talk once, but I wasn't in the mood. She'd just tell me: talk! At that moment I'd say I have nothing I can think of to talk. But she herself won't come up with something to talk about, expecting me to start the discussion.

When I asked her why did she marry me if I'm not "her type", she told me she was in love, but now realises I don't love or care about her. I tried to argue that I love her a lot, even though I've not started to show her how much I care, and explain my difficult financial situation to her. She told me it was all a big mistake. That "there was no love". This is the woman who's been adoring me and said such sweet words, that I'm her soulmate. She even told her brother that I'm everything to her, her lover, best friend and brother and like a son to her mother.

I've never met anyone who loved me so much, but it seems she craved for the same intensity from me, while I was more reserved. Because I don't fall in love so quickly, but love strongly.

Isn't it possible to still salvage the marriage? I believe in making things work. I believe in "for better or worse" and I've been faithful so far.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You can't argue with a sick mind. 

She doesn't think like you.

Let her go.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

LostViking said:


> I annulled my first marriage after only a few months. It is much cheaper and faster than divorce. But you have to do it before one year from the wedding date.
> 
> Do you live in the US?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No LostViking, I don't live in the US, but I'll check the laws in my country. Thank you very much! I just feel really down and ashamed. I feel like a failure telling all my family and friends I'm getting divorced so soon after getting married.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

TotalRecall said:


> When I asked her why did she marry me if I'm not "her type", she told me she was in love, but now realises I don't love or care about her.


This is blame shifting and a blatant lie.




> Isn't it possible to still salvage the marriage? I believe in making things work. I believe in "for better or worse" and I've been faithful so far.


Nope, no way no how.


Sorry but your relationship was just a fantasy for her and now that the honeymoon stage is over she has changed her mind. 

Get out while the get'n is good.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

TotalRecall said:


> ..........
> I've never met anyone who loved me so much,Take the rose colored glasses off! This woman DOES NOT love you!. She never did. She may have been infatuated initially, but she is just using you. but it seems she craved for the same intensity from me, while I was more reserved. Because I don't fall in love so quickly, but love strongly.
> 
> Isn't it possible to still salvage the marriage? *No it isn't.* Marriage is hard and has a difficult path even with too sane loving people. You are in your first year and she is screwing around and telling you she doesn't love you. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! I believe in making things work. I believe in "for better or worse" and I've been faithful so far.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Run fast, put her in your rear view mirror. Learn from this mistake as much as possible. 

Get a divorce and start over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Honestly, look at how you met her and you went from stranger to center of her universe online so quickly,

Stable, rational , good to be in relationships with people don't act like that. Immature, selfish people very often with mental issues act impulsively like that.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

TotalRecall said:


> I'm lost and confused. Me and my wife separated after just 7 months of marriage. What started as a 1-year passionate online romance that soon led to marriage has now become a living nightmare.
> 
> When our relationship began, it was intense. My wife always called and texted me and told me the sweetest words I ever heard from a woman. She was very caring and fell in love with me online 'at first sight'. I spent the best 2 months together with her during our honeymoon stage (though we didn't travel for a honeymoon).
> 
> ...


To quote the house in Amityville Horror

"GET OUT!!"


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I smell a gold digger....

Separate your finances and your ring back asap. 

Does she have any visa issues you were solving?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Get an annulment and next time don't start a serious relationship based on an online friendship.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Eject<eject<eject!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

TotalRecall said:


> No LostViking, I don't live in the US, but I'll check the laws in my country. Thank you very much! I just feel really down and ashamed. I feel like a failure telling all my family and friends I'm getting divorced so soon after getting married.


Calling yourself a failure is calling all of us here at TAM failures. We dont like that. Like you, were all duped by our wayward spouses. 

You did not fail at anything. Your childish, immature wife is the one who failed. You listed all of her complaints above. I read them, and not one single complaint of hers even came close to meriting the pain and suffering she is inflicting on you. Every one of those complaints is a normal complaint that all newlyweds have against their spouses at one time or another. It takes the first two or three years of marriage for a man and wife to settle down, sort out their finances, and get in synchronicity with each other. She didn't even allow you seven months. 

Your wife has no concept of what a real marriage is. She wants that giddy "in love" feeling to last forever. Well....it does not. And as fickle as she is she could not even sustain it for seven months. 

Like I said, she is an immature child. 

Get a solicitor and find out if you can get the marriage annuled or dissolved without having to go through a lengthy divorce. 

Tell all of her family, friends and acquaintences what kind of cheating trash she is. Be bold and honest and make sure you set the record straight with them that you accept no blame for her lack of morals and boundaries.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Calling yourself a failure is calling all of us here at TAM failures. We dont like that. Like you, were all duped by our wayward spouses.
> 
> You did not fail at anything. Your childish, immature wife is the one who failed. You listed all of her complaints above. I read them, and not one single complaint of hers even came close to meriting the pain and suffering she is inflicting on you. Every one of those complaints is a normal complaint that all newlyweds have against their spouses at one time or another. It takes the first two or three years of marriage for a man and wife to settle down, sort out their finances, and get in synchronicity with each other. She didn't even allow you seven months.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> I smell a gold digger....
> 
> Separate your finances and your ring back asap.
> 
> Does she have any visa issues you were solving?


No, gold diggers are after money. She sounds much more like a person who jumps from relationship to relationship and each one is instantly her soul mate

Could be a number of mental health issues behind her actions.

Run Jackson, run.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

TR,

You are lucky this happened sooner rather than later. Something is profoundly wrong with her. Even if she wanted out of your marriage for legitimate reasons, her way of doing it is crazy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You found a women that is expecting others to provide her happiness.

When all us sane poeple know we make our own happiness and depending other to make us happy is crazy. 

Your wife is not emotionally healthy


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time did you spend with her in person before you married her?


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Emotional blackmail and she sounds like a Psycho.
Divorce the chick and RUN LIKE HELL or you'll be in hell soon, cause what happened till now was just a foretaste!

You're lucky it happened so soon, only months wasted instead of years.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

punch out!


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> No, gold diggers are after money. She sounds much more like a person who jumps from relationship to relationship and each one is instantly her soul mate
> 
> Could be a number of mental health issues behind her actions.
> 
> Run Jackson, run.


I agree with you, but one could be a gold digger with one person, and looking for love with another, definitely not a gold digger with me. I agree with every poster who said she has emotional issues and is often child-like, but the situation we found ourselves in is also difficult and I feel guilty too.

We live in different cities, so when I was with her and her mother for two months, I stayed with them in their rented house. Her father has died. She just finished college and hasn't started working or running her own business. They do have a family business that should be able to take care of things. However, they have spent all their money during our marriage, which I wasn't made aware of till the fact. It then turned out that half of their rent for this year remained unpaid. It should be paid for a year upfront.

After I traveled, my wife mentioned the issue once and after I said I didn't have the money, never mentioned it again till our quarrel over infidelity, and I didn't ask. But before then, when I got some money, she told me to go and pay for my own rent for next year, which I did. But I didn't ask her about her own problem, or their rent issues. She also lost her phone, and I didn't do anything to replace it, and I didn't come back for her birthday as I promised. 

What was wrong with me? I have family responsibilities too, which I can't put away. I had major problems last year, which cleared my savings. I just had to come back to my town to do some work, which I needed to complete before I could get paid. I was dead broke and in no position to solve my wife's problems. But to her, I abandoned her to her means and being in a tight situation, she cheated instead of looking for all other means, and telling me the gravity of the problem.

I believe her first story, before she denied it. My wife is very attractive, and I'll not be surprised she could seduce a rich guy who is ready to lavish her with material things to have her as his mistress. But the thing is can you eat your cake and have it?

When we were quarreling over the infidelity on the phone, she actually told me that she just "helped us" solve our problems, that she "has needs and responsibilities", "needs to have a life". She promised "we'll never lack anything, she will see to that". All this sounded like making a pact with the devil to me.

I said, so this makes me an enemy of her progress?... since she is ready to get what she needs by any means, but I won't be happy with my life this way, even if I got a million dollars.

I always made her know of my situation and we made plans how to make things work together. She always said she didn't need my money or want someone wealthy, but someone we'll grow together with.

I wasn't prepared for taking on the responsibilities of marriage before I got married. I feel very humiliated and guilty. I have Major Depressive Disorder and I've been so depressed I've not been working when I need it most. But I'm treating myself and even started mindedness meditation.

I guess reality bites! I'm looking for some closure in this...


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How much time did you spend with her in person before you married her?


We've been dating for one year online, while she was finishing her course in a different country. Chatting on Whatsapp, talking on the phone, video calling on Skype morning, afternoon and night.

In person, we spent two weeks together before we married!!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Just quit. Stop the accepting of blame. You're young and an unstable woman duped you into marrying her. 

Just go see a lawyer and quit wallowing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Like the others, I think you should get out of this marriage, and consider yourself lucky you found out so early. But I think you should also think long and hard about how you got into this situation so you don't duplicate it in your next relationship(s).

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LostViking said:


> Just quit. Stop the accepting of blame. You're young and an unstable woman duped you into marrying her.
> 
> Just go see a lawyer and quit wallowing.


:iagree: Stop it. Your M's fondation was built on sand. There is nothing solid mooring you to shore and with each shifting tide the sand is being washed away. Just be glad you found out this early. Next time spend more time gettng to know the person.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TotalRecall said:


> We've been dating for one year online, while she was finishing her course in a different country. Chatting on Whatsapp, talking on the phone, video calling on Skype morning, afternoon and night.
> 
> In person, we spent two weeks together before we married!!


Wow, two weeks!

When you say a different country how apart are they culturally ?

Since you talk about paying rent a year at a time, I assume you aren't from the US as everyone pays month to month here.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Just quit. Stop the accepting of blame. You're young and an unstable woman duped you into marrying her.
> 
> Just go see a lawyer and quit wallowing.


Thank you for slapping my face with facts, LostViking and co.!

I'm not that young in my late 30s, am I? Maybe relationally inexperienced. This is my second serious relationship, apart from minor 5-date trysts. The last serious one lasted 4 years but I didn't commit and she left. Perhaps that's why this time I was so rash to commit.

I'm wondering what kind of mental/emotional problems she might have though:

- In her teens she had anorexia nervosa.

- She gets very emotional at the slightest provocation. Watching a couple hugging on TV got her to tears because we didn't hug that way. A family friend made a comment she didn't like and she flared into a rage.

- Child-like reasoning. For example, suggesting that my immediate family should move into their house, so we don't have to be in different cities. How will, effectively, three families live together? (Me and her, her family, and my family)

- Has very few friends and says her extended family is "bad".

- Likes male attention a lot. For example, in front of me she was very elated and telling me that one guy was smiling at her. I found her behavior strange, as I wouldn't behave that way with her.

- After our quarrel said things like "I'm not marriage material. I've tried to find love but it never worked, so I'll keep my love to myself."

- Told me she still loves me, but can't be with me. She tried to "fight it", but couldn't.

- She told me she was frustrated with me even when she was online with me, but thought that later I'll change and our love will grow.

- Often puts herself down or disrespects herself in front of others. E.g. makes FB posts that she's drunk or high, when she doesn't drink or take drugs.

- Very insecure: she rummaged through my bags and snooped through my phone.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Wow, two weeks!
> 
> When you say a different country how apart are they culturally ?
> 
> Since you talk about paying rent a year at a time, I assume you aren't from the US as everyone pays month to month here.


Nope, not in North America. Europe and Asia. And we're used to both cultures.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

PBear said:


> Like the others, I think you should get out of this marriage, and consider yourself lucky you found out so early. But I think you should also think long and hard about how you got into this situation so you don't duplicate it in your next relationship(s).
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After being perplexed by my wife's behavior, I've started reading some psychology stuff online and came to the conclusion I may have co-dependent traits. That could explain why I got so depressed over behavior that wasn't my making...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> No, gold diggers are after money. She sounds much more like a person who jumps from relationship to relationship and each one is instantly her soul mate
> 
> Could be a number of mental health issues behind her actions.
> 
> Run Jackson, run.


Gold diggers look for gifts and expenses, not just cash. Read again what he as stated :

The nightmare began after I had to travel away for business and missed her birthday _*(and wasn't able to get her the gift she wanted)*_. 

When I asked her what's going, she plainly told me she has a 'boyfriend' *who is taking care of her*. That she doesn't love him *but is just slept with him for her gain*.

She also mentioned that the *boyfriend who helped her materially* was just a lie she told me. 

Her family's the one *who's been spending money during the marriage and for the two months I was with her*. - Classic scam to suck money out of a lonely heart. Usually revolves around visa's and residency, that's why I asked about a visa

I've not started to show her how much I care, and *explain my difficult financial situation to her. She told me it was all a big mistake. That "there was no love"*. What she is really saying is she wants more money. 

I say gold digger looking for a lonely heart to screw over. She is a grifter. Dump her and and fast. For cheating alone dump her hard and fast.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

TotalRecall said:


> After being perplexed by my wife's behavior, I've started reading some psychology stuff online and came to the conclusion I may have co-dependent traits. That could explain why I got so depressed over behavior that wasn't my making...


Pop psychology I might add. Co-dependency exists in pop culture and pop psychology. You are not co-dependent. That is just an excuse. You are in a toxic relationship based upon poor choices you made and way you went about seeking a mate. 

This does not in any way excuse your wife's cheating and lack of respect for you.

But don't use some pop psychology word as an excuse. Poor judgement perhaps not codependency.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Pop psychology I might add. Co-dependency exists in pop culture and pop psychology. You are not co-dependent. That is just an excuse. You are in a toxic relationship based upon poor choices you made and way you went about seeking a mate.
> 
> This does not in any way excuse your wife's cheating and lack of respect for you.
> 
> But don't use some pop psychology word as an excuse. Poor judgement perhaps not codependency.


I agree!

We are all dependant on those around us, family, friends, lovers. Their behaviour makes us happy or unhappy. The biggy is, how we deal with it! 

We are social beings. Everyone needs others to make them happy. Everyone. And thus, we ditch those who make us unhappy.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Lucky you got out. In some Asian cultures there is a vulgar emphasis on money. This is not everything to everyone, but it is giant to some who are competing to marry into superficial happiness. A woman (or a man) must have some education and judgment to avoid falling into the worst of this type of thinking.

But lets be honest people fall in love with people in their own socio-economic class in general.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry you have to go through this . I cannot denied it , you love that woman , however she never loved you . What she loves are time you spent together and things you did together . She can be manipulative too . She does what is possible to punish you buy hurting you emotionally . She sounds immature and act like a kid . She blaming others , no friends! Check narcissism and let us know if she has npd . People whot are n(narcissist) tend to hurry mariage and require too much attention . Next time dont get married after only 2 weeks . Whatsp does not meam anything ! I dont see that your mariage will work . Good luck .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What countries in Europe and Asia ? Just curious ...


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Let her go. Fast.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> What countries in Europe and Asia ? Just curious ...


UK and South Korea


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> Sorry you have to go through this . I cannot denied it , you love that woman , however she never loved you . What she loves are time you spent together and things you did together . She can be manipulative too . She does what is possible to punish you buy hurting you emotionally . She sounds immature and act like a kid . She blaming others , no friends! Check narcissism and let us know if she has npd . People whot are n(narcissist) tend to hurry mariage and require too much attention . Next time dont get married after only 2 weeks . Whatsp does not meam anything ! I dont see that your mariage will work . Good luck .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you Fleur de Cactus, for making me discover about personality disorders. I've been reading about them for the past two days. Though my wife doesn't fit the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) criteria, she's more like the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) type. What do you think of it?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

TotalRecall said:


> I'm wondering what kind of mental/emotional problems she might have though:
> 
> - In her teens she had anorexia nervosa.
> 
> ...


A serious personality disorder, at least I imagine. I'm just curious, you didn't pick up on any of this before you married her??? I mean that's beyond a bunch of red flags, she sounds like she basically _is_ one big red flag :scratchhead:


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

BPD has mood swingers and anger. She needs medication to control her mood. There is a chance that she can improve if she accepts to find help. But first, she has to accept that she has serious mental issues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> Psycho hose beast time!!!!
> 
> Get your marriage annulled and get rid of her, met a head case recently and think you married the equally evil twin.
> 
> Annulment and fast, then better to meet chicks in bars, they are real and you can get a feel for them and who they really are in person, not always possible through the screen of your computer is it.


:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jasel said:


> A serious personality disorder, at least I imagine. I'm just curious, you didn't pick up on any of this before you married her??? I mean that's beyond a bunch of red flags, she sounds like she basically _is_ one big red flag :scratchhead:


Or once she was married, decided to stop the meds?:scratchhead:


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Or once she was married, decided to stop the meds?:scratchhead:


Yes , probably she was on med , then stopped. Some people do when they feel better and do not tell their spouse. Also, remember this, if you decide to work on this marriage, even if she is on med, you are going to be her nurse, each time she will not take her med, you will stay up all night, you will not sleep and will not rest, you will be the one who will suffer!! it is not an easy commitment.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

Jasel said:


> A serious personality disorder, at least I imagine. I'm just curious, you didn't pick up on any of this before you married her??? I mean that's beyond a bunch of red flags, she sounds like she basically _is_ one big red flag :scratchhead:


As they _"say, marry in haste, repent at leisure!"_ and _"hindsight is 20/20"_

I discovered these red flags after we got married. I could handle all of them, but her infidelity is a deal-breaker for me. If she wanted to be free, she shouldn't have married in the first place!

There was one red flag she revealed before we married: She was sexually abused by an uncle in her teens. Till I googled about it last week, I didn't know the extent of psychological damage it can cause in adulthood. As the abuse wasn't her making, I didn't take it as a red flag but felt sorry for her and thought we both found happiness and the bad days were over.

Now I know the demons of the past are still in her head, and it is so sad.


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## TotalRecall (Aug 22, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> Yes , probably she was on med , then stopped. Some people do when they feel better and do not tell their spouse. Also, remember this, if you decide to work on this marriage, even if she is on med, you are going to be her nurse, each time she will not take her med, you will stay up all night, you will not sleep and will not rest, you will be the one who will suffer!! it is not an easy commitment.


She never mentioned being on meds. Also, she's never been aggressive, suicidal, or self-harming. She is very friendly and lively around people. Even the last few times we talked in calm manner. We're still friends on FB, but she's not been active. Before I went no contact, she was saying she wants a divorce, but wants us to remain best of friends. That I shouldn't be depressed. Even though she's my ex, she still cares about my health. She didn't want to hurt me, she needs me to be happy too, etc.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

TotalRecall said:


> She never mentioned being on meds. Also, she's never been aggressive, suicidal, or self-harming. She is very friendly and lively around people. Even the last few times we talked in calm manner. We're still friends on FB, but she's not been active. Before I went no contact, she was saying she wants a divorce, but wants us to remain best of friends. That I shouldn't be depressed. Even though she's my ex, she still cares about my health. She didn't want to hurt me, she needs me to be happy too, etc.


She wants to cake eat. If you guys "stay friends" then in her mind what she's done to you isn't as bad as it actually is. And it's a nice smokescreen she can use with family and friends, "Things just didn't work out. We're still friends though! Even on facebook!" It's manipulative bull****. I'd defriend her for starters and then work on getting out of that marriage.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

Agreed. Divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TotalRecall said:


> Thank you Fleur de Cactus, for making me discover about personality disorders. I've been reading about them for the past two days. Though my wife doesn't fit the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) criteria, she's more like the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) type. What do you think of it?


Be very careful about going down the path of trying to diagnose her with some mental illness or personality disorder. It's hard enough for the professionals to do this. 

Some people how have not mental illness or personality disorder can behave badly. They simply have a flawed moral code, bad character, etc. 

Your best bet is just decide if you can live with her behavior. If you cannot divorce her.

Leave the diagnosis up to those who know what they are talking about and who can actually talk to her and observer her. No one here can do that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Be very careful about going down the path of trying to diagnose her with some mental illness or personality disorder. It's hard enough for the professionals to do this.
> 
> Some people how have not mental illness or personality disorder can behave badly. They simply have a flawed moral code, bad character, etc.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Your wife exhibited poor judgement and it could simply be immaturity. Trying to figure her out is understandable. Trying to get to the why. In my estimation your wife never gave the M a chance and is just plain selfish.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

If his wife is S Korean that may go along way towards explaining some of her behavior. As I understand it, Korean woman have a centuries old cultural drive to marry the wealthiest man they can find as a way to boost social status. It is a materialistic culture. 

Maybe the OP was not her best prospect and she traded him in for a guy who makes more income. Just a possibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a D or annulment as fast as you can and then get her gone frm your life.

She's not at all marriage material and unless you want to spend the rest of your like following her around trying to fix her, which never works btw, you need to move on.

This isn't just the standard knee jerk dump her comment. It is a giant loud RUN


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TotalRecall said:


> Though my wife doesn't fit the ...NPD criteria, she's more like the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) type. What do you think of it?


TR, none of us can tell you whether your W has a full-blown disorder like BPD. We cannot diagnose her. Only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe and persistent that they satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD." Hence, you should speak with a clinical psychologist if you want to know whether your W has full-blown BPD.

This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot the warning signs (for having strong BPD traits) if you take time to learn what red flags to look for. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as child-like behavior, lack of impulse control, and sudden flips between adoring you and devaluing you. 

Moreover, even when a woman's BPD traits fall well short of the diagnostic guidelines for "having BPD," those traits still can be strong enough to undermine a marriage and make your life miserable. That is, a person meeting only 70% or 80% of the diagnostic guidelines -- who thus "does not have BPD" -- may be almost as difficult to live with as a person meeting 100%. That diagnostic threshold was set at a _very high level_ to meet the needs and demands of courts and insurance companies -- not to meet the needs of an abused spouse who is struggling to decide whether to remain in a toxic marriage.

If you would like to read more about these red flags, an easy place to start is my description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, TR.


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