# Wedding ring lost and found



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

So this morning she comes into the kitchen and says "I have to tell you something". "I think I lost my wedding ring". She still had the engagement ring on her finger.

She goes on to say that she took it off when applying her lotion and put it in her pocket with the engagement ring, but now the wedding ring has gone AWOL.

She seemed to think my reaction was going to be something along the lines of "Oh it'll be ok it's only money" or "I'm sure it'll turn up". Instead I demanded that she retrace her steps and we started looking all over the house for it, but there wasn't very much time before she had to get out the door for work.

The mere fact that she lost it only makes me a little mad, but the fact that she lost it in the dumbest possible way, taking it off to wash her hands makes me really mad. That was the number one thing the ring guy told her not to do with it. It's also how one of my previous coworkers lost her engagement ring worth tens of thousands of dollars. Also the fact that she seemed more worried about being late to pick up her team made me even more mad.

Anyway, she was running out of time and said she needed to go, she wanted a hug. I calmly told her I was too mad for a hug right now, "Just go", I said. She left looking sheepish. Then I started going through the laundry hamper one item at a time, thinking she might have left her pants in or on it and the ring might have fallen out. After removing every last item in the hamper I found the ring at the very bottom. Yay.

My first thought was to text her that I found it. But then I thought, maybe let her stew on the situation until she gets home. I think she's going to feel pretty bad about it. Maybe then she'll learn not to take her rings off. But I don't want to give up the moral high ground. So what should I do, tell her now or make her wait?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, if it's the #1 reason people lose their ring, telling someone to be careful doesn't change the fact of human nature and habit. Get a grip.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think if you "make her stew" all day when (a) you were an a-hole about the whole thing to begin with and (b) you could have relieved her mind by letting her know ASAP that you found it, she'd have every right to be p!ssed at you for a month.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m having a problem believing you’re serious. Everybody but everybody on the planet makes mistakes and has accidents. If this is the way you handle your wife’s mistakes, or rather misfortunes, then my friend you have a great deal to learn not only about marriage but also about life itself.


Look. Accidents do happen and that’s absolutely guaranteed. What’s important is how you handle them and you are not doing so well.

Lets hope your wife has more empathy, patience and tolerance with you when you make a mistake or have an accident which as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow you will.


But worse you’re even withholding the fact that you’ve found the ring! So not only are you decrying her for her accident you are also punishing her.

You can put that right now by telling her you’ve found it. You need a complete “attitude change” to this type of thing in your marriage.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

First, apologize for being an a-hole about the ring. You're very protective of her and can't stand the thought of others even thinking she's single...blah,blah,blah.

Keep the ring to yourself for a couple days. Then take her out this weekend to a nice restaurant and present her the ring again, marriage proposal style.

Turn this lemon into some lemonade. Good luck.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Dude...you really said/did those things to her when she was vulerable like that? You "demanded"? Every woman I know takes their ring(s) off from time to time like that. And then you told her "Just go"? What if something had happened to her on the way to work? And now that you found it, you want to punish her even more?

Listen, nobody does dumber things than my stbx and it frustrates the holy crap out of me, but you're kicking her when she's down ain't gonna help. Btw, I lost my wedding band 3 years ago and never found it. Even though I plan on divorcing the guilt still eats at me.

Give her the ring back and a hug and tell her all is well.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Tell her now.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Wow, I lost my wedding ring and didn't bother replacing it. She didn't say anything. I can't wear it at work anyways. At the time, I was renovating our hone, so never had it on. My wife's rings were stolen and I replaced them with much nicer one's because I could now afford them. She doesn't wear them all the time either. At times, they give her soars underneath them. Any jewelry...

Give her a break and text her that you found them. She's probably having a very crappy day! AND you should apologize for being totally out of line.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Text her and tell her you found the ring, but she is still a bad girl for losing it and she will be getting a spanking when she gets home.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It was an accident. She obviously felt badly that she lost it and she turned to you for help. 

Why so hostile about this? Is there something else behind the incident?

I would call her right away and set her mind at ease.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Well, you all obviously think I was a jerk about the incident in the first place. Which is fair as far as opinions go. But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of weakness. 

But perhaps I am pressing the matter too far by not telling her I found it...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's understandable that you were upset and perhaps felt she was careless. It's understandable that you would 'ask' and help her retrace her steps, not demand as you state.

Then, holding on to the anger and refusing to hug/kiss her goodbye starts getting childish. Add to that refusing to tell her it's found and it's really taking things too far.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Make sure you have your valuables insured. That’s what insurance is for, accidents. They do happen.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

east2west said:


> But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of *weakness*.


Really?! It was an accident. That's it...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Obviously I wasn't there to see her face or hear the inflections in her voice, but really, NOT caring would be her NOT telling you when it happened, and letting you notice the ring not on her finger maybe weeks later and her saying "Oh, yeah, I lost it." THAT would be not caring. Coming to you and telling you right away was a sign that she trusted you. 

Needing to get to work is also a tricky one. Some jobs have absolutely zero tolerance for being late. And if she needed to pick up other people, that may have been real pressure on her. Again, not a sign that she didn't care about her ring. 

Maybe there's more there that you're not sharing, cuz many of us feel like you're being kind of a hard-ass about this.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> Well, you all obviously think I was a jerk about the incident in the first place. Which is fair as far as opinions go. But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of weakness.
> 
> But perhaps I am pressing the matter too far by not telling her I found it...



I hope you’ve taken note of the replies and you’re not trying to be some strange form of an alpha male in all this. If you are, what the guys mean by Alpha here is the EXACT OPPOSITE of how you’ve behaved with this.


But you do have time to man up and up your game. Use that time wisely, listen to the people here. Something you could do is either cook your wife a meal or take her out by way of apology for your pretty crass behaviour.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Never use an axe to remove a fly from a friends forehead. 

She is distraught about the incident. It could happen to anyone and indeed my wife lost a ring ( family heirloom ) in almost exactly the same way. Although we were at a mall and the ring was never recovered. 

Thank goodness you found it. Tell her right away.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Make sure you have your valuables insured. That’s what insurance is for, accidents. They do happen.


It's insured but I believe in treating things like this as if they are not insured.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Wow, you're being a bit OTT here! It was an accident! Just ring her and tell her you found it. She'll be thrilled. 
Sounds like you want to punish her and teach her a lesson? She's your wife not a child!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

east2west said:


> It's insured but I believe in treating things like this as if they are not insured.


Think of your marriage that way. It's irreplaceable.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Alright, you guys win.

I called her and told her I found it. She sounded so relieved.

She apologized for losing it and promised to never take it off like that again. She also apologized for wasting my time searching the house for the ring.

Then I apologized for refusing to hug her this morning.

We will celebrate finding the ring tonight.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> Alright, you guys win.
> 
> I called her and told her I found it. She sounded so relieved.
> 
> ...


Well done, way to go.

In a way you've had a bit of a fitness test. It's fitness tests and shet tests that we learn from in our marriage. Your initial failure was due to being a bit swamped by your emotions. You were mad and got angry.

You can use these tests as a way of constantly improving the man you are. For example, next time you get hijacked by your emotions, instead of reacting to them use them as a signal that's somethings wrong.

And the first thing you attempt to do is to detach yourself from your emotions because they sure as heck can blind you. Most especially if you are seeing red.

Quite a few here have benefited from Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: 9780385249379: Amazon.com: Books. The author will help you get away for a bit from your ego which was the cause of the problem. Then you can see what's really going on and be more Mindful in your responses.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I hope you’ve taken note of the replies and you’re not trying to be some strange form of an alpha male in all this. If you are, what the guys mean by Alpha here is the EXACT OPPOSITE of how you’ve behaved with this.


Am I reading this correctly? Wife tells me that her wedding ring is lost in the most careless way and I say "Oh that's ok, who cares about that old thing anyway". Then I spend my day searching the house and having back and forth phone calls with the insurance company and the jeweler, and not buying that new tv because I needed the money for the deductible. Never mind the symbolism, the time, the money, or the inconvenience of it. You think that's an alpha response?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

east2west said:


> Alright, you guys win.
> 
> I called her and told her I found it. She sounded so relieved.
> 
> ...


That's great.
You did the right thing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Oh FFS, is it really all about the 'alpha' thing? She lost her ring, she obviously felt badly and came to you right away. 

Then you decide to punish her like a child instead of your wife and partner all because you're worried about not looking 'alpha'?

Dude - my husband is all alpha and while he would have been upset with me for losing my ring, he sure as hell would not be worried about berating me for it. Then again, he would have had me making all the phone calls if it bothered him so badly.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> Am I reading this correctly? Wife tells me that her wedding ring is lost in the most careless way and I say "Oh that's ok, who cares about that old thing anyway". Then I spend my day searching the house and having back and forth phone calls with the insurance company and the jeweler, and not buying that new tv because I needed the money for the deductible. Never mind the symbolism, the time, the money, or the inconvenience of it. You think that's an alpha response?


I've little time for those that use strawman arguments and who are unappreciative.


No Man punishes his wife. Ever.

Let me repeat that.

No Man punishes his wife. Ever.



Let alone over an accident and misfortune. Let alone for one for which she is remorseful.



Forgiveness is the path to enlightenment.


You’re going to get tested a heck of a lot more before you get it, but maybe even then you wont.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

AFEH said:


> *No Man punishes his wife. Ever.
> 
> Let me repeat that.
> 
> No Man punishes his wife. Ever.*


Mind if I bold that for you.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I've little time for those that use strawman arguments and who are unappreciative.
> 
> 
> No Man punishes his wife. Ever.
> ...


I don't follow you at all.

I'd love to hear how you would have reacted given that you see it as a sh!t testing event. I don't see it that way, it wasn't intentional after all, but I want her to understand that it is something I take seriously.

If I had not done the twenty questions about the ring and insisted on another search even though she was on her way out the door we would not have even found it. She would still be feeling terrible about having lost it. Also she is more committed to changing her behavior now than she would have been if she found the ring five minutes after she realized it was lost. 

So, I'm taking credit for 1) finding the ring and 2) getting her to change her habits so we will not have another incident like this in the future.

Being nice about anything and everything is not the way.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

T&T said:


> Mind if I bold that for you.


Really? Where is written that "No man punishes his wife ever"?.

The book of how to be a doormat?

Is it also written that "No woman punishes her husband ever"?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

east2west said:


> Well, you all obviously think I was a jerk about the incident in the first place. Which is fair as far as opinions go. But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of weakness.
> 
> But perhaps I am pressing the matter too far by not telling her I found it...


It's deceitful and controlling not to tell someone you found something you were both looking for.

Yes a wedding ring is symbolic. But I think you are equating your identity with the ring. For a human being to link themselves so essentially to a physical, material, object just seems to render the whole concept of marriage, which the ring symbolizes, to some secondary priority in your heart and consciousness. The ring is not you, the ring is not your marriage. It is something that exists to symbolize what already is, which is in itself a spiritual thing, that really does exist. However, it seems that your actions are leaning towards destroying the very thing the ring is supposed to symbolize. 

Your choice.

Consider this. You too are human. If you were to lose your ring in future, which could very well happen one day, how would you like to be treated?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think you need to get over the idea that it's up to you to 'teach' her. You're not her father, nor is she a puppy you have to obedience train. She is your equal. Try honestly, calmly, respectfully telling her that you don't get the feeling that she takes losing her wedding ring seriously. Ask her if that's really how she feels. Talk to her, rather than using withholding 'treats' (i.e., hugs) to 'train' her. 

The ring is a symbol of a union of two people who are supposed to be equals in the marriage. If the marriage itself isn't the primary thing, the ring is just some piece of jewelry. Conversely, two people can have a marvelous marriage even in the absence of rings.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Don't buy things or give things that you can't afford to lose.
This way you won't have to stress over the inevitable.
If I were your wife, I would never get pregnant. I'd probably be blamed for a miscarriage.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok for a wife to punish a husband. 

It shouldn't have to be written somewhere -- it's just common sense.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

east2west said:


> Really? Where is written that "No man punishes his wife ever"?.
> 
> The book of how to be a doormat?
> 
> Is it also written that "No woman punishes her husband ever"?


*"Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response to behavior deemed unacceptable by an individual"*

That's not something that I'm going to inflict on my wife. She's an *adult* with her own mind and opinions. As others have written, you were treating her like a child, whether you realised it or not. As I mentioned earlier, neither my wife or I have are original bands. We've been married 22 years and have been together 27. I understand the ring means a lot to you, but they're pieces of metal and can be replaced...

Best,

T


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

All I did was express the fact that I was angry, without yelling or abrasive language, about the ring situation.

So, you consider any expression of anger about something to be a punishment? 

And any punishment within a marriage to be unacceptable?

The "no punishments ever" meme sounds hyberbolic to me. Too much so to be of any use. 

We both punish each other in various ways when we get out of line. I'm sure you all do the same in your relationships.

I can accept that I was going over the top by withholding the fact that I found it. But beyond that I don't think I didn't anything wrong.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

east2west said:


> All I did was express the fact that I was angry, without yelling or abrasive language, about the ring situation.
> 
> This is understandable completely.
> 
> ...


I would agree that's the primary item where you went wrong. I would also say that refusing to hug/kiss her when she was leaving was a bit bogus. I'm of the opinion that you never know when the last time you'll see or talk to someone so don't part ways without some affirmation of love. How would you have felt about this pettiness if there had been a horrible accident on her way to work? Would the punishment have been worth it? (And yes, I've lost someone that way).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There are times when you need to keep emotions to yourself.
There's no sense in shooting yourself in the foot.
Your wife will respond according to your actions and expressed emotions. You do have responsibility for creating whatever relationship develops between the two of you. You've been informed as to how she could be expected to respond to what you propose to do, and what you have already done. If you're looking to defend yourself and your choices no matter what the response, then what is your question here?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

east2west said:


> All I did was express the fact that I was angry, without yelling or abrasive language, about the ring situation.
> 
> So, you consider any expression of anger about something to be a punishment?
> 
> ...


SHe was up front in telling you she couldn't find the ring! It is way past time for you to grow up!


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

east2west said:


> All I did was express the fact that I was angry, without yelling or abrasive language, about the ring situation.
> 
> So, you consider any expression of anger about something to be a punishment?
> 
> ...


Look, there's nothing wrong with getting angry and emotional. We ALL do. We're humans, but we usually regret it... Punishment is not acceptable in a marriage. IMO it's a form of abuse. Much like the silent treatment. You were punishing her by holding back the fact that you found the ring and by not returning the hug when she was on the way to work. Do me a favour and read the entire definition of punishment. You tell me if that belongs in a marriage. 

Punishment - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Best,

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

east2west said:


> Well, you all obviously think I was a jerk about the incident in the first place. Which is fair as far as opinions go. But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of weakness.
> 
> But perhaps I am pressing the matter too far by not telling her I found it...


She temporarily lost the ring. It was obviously in the house. So it was going to turn up.

She obviously cared about losing the ring.. that's why she came to you and told you.

Seriously lighten up on her.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

east2west said:


> . . .The mere fact that she lost it only makes me a little mad, but the fact that she lost it in the dumbest possible way, taking it off to wash her hands makes me really mad. . . .


Ha! Wait until you have kids.

And “don’t ever take off your rings” seriously? That’s gross. Dude, I forgot mine at Mother in Laws over Thanksgiving. Took them off to carve the turkey. 



east2west said:


> . . . .Then I started going through the laundry hamper one item at a time, thinking she might have left her pants in or on it and the ring might have fallen out. . . . .


Well, that’s about as far as you’ll be getting into her pants for awhile.

CALL YOUR WIFE. Apologize for being a jackwagon and take her out to dinner.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> I don't follow you at all.
> 
> I'd love to hear how you would have reacted given that you see it as a sh!t testing event. I don't see it that way, it wasn't intentional after all, but I want her to understand that it is something I take seriously.
> 
> ...


I didn’t say it was a shet testing event. That’s you and yet another Strawman argument of yours. You do seem to be full of them.

I said you were tested and that we learn (hopefully) through the tests that come our way in our marriage.

But you most certainly and undeniably shet tested your wife. You carried out a premeditated act of passive aggression that by it’s very nature was designed to wound and hurt the very woman you declare to love and cherish.

When you found that ring your natural instincts were not to put your wife’s mind and emotions at rest and in peace.

What you did in fact was the exact opposite. You withheld information from your wife in order to wound and hurt her. Passive aggression is wicked stuff, there’s nothing at all manly or masculine about it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> I don't follow you at all.
> 
> I'd love to hear how you would have reacted given that you see it as a sh!t testing event. I don't see it that way, it wasn't intentional after all, but I want her to understand that it is something I take seriously.
> 
> ...


How would I have reacted? Totally and absolutely different to you. You put more emphasis on the “symbol” of your marriage than your marriage itself. That’s not me so in this case it’s a total no brainer.


I probably would have said something like “Don’t worry, it’ll turn up later”.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I would sure like to hear your wife respond to this. I wonder if you always act this way when people do not meet your expectations? You said, "But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of weakness."

I hope you are noticing that 99% of the people here think what you did was a colossal display of immaturity. I am seriously concerned that you have some huge personality issues and wonder how often your wife feels squashed as you vent about her not meeting YOUR crazy expectations?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

AFEH said:


> How would I have reacted? Totally and absolutely different to you. You put more emphasis on the “symbol” of your marriage than your marriage itself. That’s not me so in this case it’s a total no brainer.
> 
> 
> I probably would have said something like “Don’t worry, it’ll turn up later”.


If I taken this advice we would both be worrying about the ring right now, instead of happily going about our day's. We may not have found it at all. Good luck convincing me that that would have been more alphaish.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

youkiddingme said:


> I would sure like to hear your wife respond to this. I wonder if you always act this way when people do not meet your expectations? You said, "But I think acting like you don't really care about something as symbolic as a wedding ring is a colossal display of weakness."
> 
> I hope you are noticing that 99% of the people here think what you did was a colossal display of immaturity. I am seriously concerned that you have some huge personality issues and wonder how often your wife feels squashed as you vent about her not meeting YOUR crazy expectations?


What crazy expectations?

Not wanting her to take her ring off to wash her hands?

This is in the same category as her expecting me to wear my seatbelt when I drive, and wear a helmet when I go skiing. It's a responsible precaution against a serious risk. It's a perfectly reasonable expectation. If she was mad at me for not doing one of those things she would be perfectly within her rights.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I always take my rings off when I shower, cook and wash my hands. The jeweler told me to as soap scum will nasty up my ring.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I would still like to hear from your wife. I would like to know how many other rules you have for her, how many expectations you have and how often she feels like she just can't meet them all.

It's rediculous to compare this to wearing a helmet. Absurd. crazy. immature. 

I take my wedding ring off all the time! Because I like having it off sometimes. Because it feels good to get some air under there when my fingers are water logged. It's not dangerous at all. And even if i lost it....no one would die. That's the difference. Please just take note that everyone seems to be in radical opposition to your position. Maybe it is YOU?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

*At least she wasn't taking her ring off to have an affair at a cheap motel with some loser and then leave her ring THERE!!!!*

Drop your macho crap.  She made an *honest* mistake. The poor gal left "sheepishly" for work because of you! :wtf:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> If I taken this advice we would both be worrying about the ring right now, instead of happily going about our day's. We may not have found it at all. Good luck convincing me that that would have been more alphaish.


:sleeping:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All of this over a ring that got caught up in laundry. 

OP, if this is the worst thing that happens to you, you lead a charmed life.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

east2west said:


> If I taken this advice we would both be worrying about the ring right now, instead of happily going about our day's. We may not have found it at all. Good luck convincing me that that would have been more alphaish.


If you hadn't taken the advice here, your wife still wouldn't know the ring had been found, because you'd still be punishing her. She would have been denied a happy day because *you were punishing her.*


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

You can't believe how people could overlook the unintentional misplacement of an object as symbolic as a wedding ring by your wife.... 

But, all the posters (myself included) are more or less taken aback by what appears to be greater importance placed on an object (an important object, but still an object!) than the very institution it signifies or the actual person it belongs to. 

If not, you wouldn't be comparing the necessity of a wedding ring to the likes of a car seatbelt or a crash helmet :scratchhead:
I'm sorry if my words offend you... but I think that's the truth.

Please be more forgiving of mistakes - definitely if they're unintentional and even more so if the person is remorseful.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I lost my wedding/engagement ring. I couldn't find it, so my hubby and I replaced it with a much nicer and bigger ring.

Later I found my ring and was able to get a full refund for the replacement ring. 

It was a complete accident. I take my wedding/engagement/anniversary rings off when I cook and put lotion on. I knead bread/dough frequently and the grime under the rings are nasty. I wash my rings frequently as well.

I'd never be upset if my husband misplaced his ring. Accidents happen. His replacement wouldn't be what he has now since it was quite expensive.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Not too mention, seatbelts and helmets are not a good analogy. You wear those for "safety" reasons. Taking off a ring for menial tasks is common sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you have issues wearing a seatbelt and a a helmet WILLINGLY without being FORCED to, so that you don't unnecessarily become a BURDEN to someone when you end up in a coma and/or permanently disabled, you have issues. It's entirely not comparable to a ring. 

Your panties are all twisted up because someone might think that without her ring, your wife finally up and left you. I do wonder why.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

I accidentally lost my engagement ring down the drain while getting ready for work within one month after we were married. It was a family heirloom, which made it worse.

I immediately turned off the faucet and hoped and prayed that it was caught in the trap. There wasn't time to do anything else just then, but I called my husband at work and told him. He was very consoling! When he came home, he unscrewed the pipe and found the ring! 

Of course we were both relieved and happy to find it, but at no time did I feel his anger or judgment while we were still unsure of the outcome. And this is the way he has always been-- forgiving and accepting. As a result I feel safe with him-- my heart feels safe. I can let him see my weak side because I know he won't use it against me.

It was no accident that I married a man like him. I grew up in a home in which my father was harsh, critical, controlling and unforgiving. He was forever punishing us all with his explosive anger, his silences, his expectations of perfection, his valuing of material things over the feeling of his family. 

These attitudes shrivel the spirit and kill love. And indeed, they killed my parents' marriage. They stayed together until Dad died, but the love died many years ago, when I was still a teenager.

OP, please think about this. No material thing is worth hurting the one you love. Purpose to make her always feel safe with you-- let her always feel that she can bring her imperfect self to you knowing that you will accept her and support her. 

It's only in such an environment that a couple can grow closer as the years go on, because I guarantee that you and she will both make many mistakes over the years, and you will both need forgiveness from the other.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

OP- you mentioned how you felt as if she didnt care and that work was more important than looking for the ring.... Now it may be just me, but I've misplaced several items of importance in my home on the way out the door, but always felt comfortable leaving because I knew it was somewhere in my home, and not somewhere where it could be stolen. Maybe she figured she could look for it later, but that didn't mean she didn't care, she was on her way to work.

I can see being down and maybe a little irrated, but to treat her the way you did was a bit much. She is not your child.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> then I thought, maybe let her stew on the situation until she gets home. I think she's going to feel pretty bad about it. Maybe then she'll learn not to take her rings off. But I don't want to give up the moral high ground. So what should I do, tell her now or make her wait?


The only thing you'll be teaching her by your behaviour is that she shouldn't confront you with her mistakes and that she can't confide in you without you snapping on her. NOT that she shouldn't take her rings off.

You made a bad mistake mate, call her and apologise unless you want her to become less and less transparent with you.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

the first time i recall loosing my ring, i thought i left it in the console of the car, the car we just walked away from because it died. i was upset, my husband just hugged me and said it will be ok. i believe he told me to grab it, but got distracted and didnt remember it.

it turned up months later laying on the livingroom floor. i dont know how or why, but i had it back. a few months later, i was outside in front of our apt, and i just stuck it in the pocket of my jeans. we were sitting on our air unit, and i didnt want to drop it inside or get it caught on the vents.

a month later i found it outside, i was surprised since the lawn guys had been twice, and all the kids had been out front playing with my kids, so i thought one of the kids picked it up off the ground, or a lawn mower threw it across the grass or i fell down the drainage grate.

last time, it was in my jeans pocket of jeans i had hung up in the closet, for about 2 months. i thought i vacuumed it up. my husband just shrugs it off. its just a piece of jewelry. granted it didnt cost a lot of money, but its an antique, it cant be re bought, its one of a kind.

but it dosent symbolize our deep love we symbolize our love and commitment every day with our actions. if he demanded i hunt for a ring, i wouldnt see him the same way again. i matter, not possessions, not money, me, him, us, we.

a ring is not who i am, it dosent affect my personality or change the way my brain works. i still like pizza weather or not im wearing my ring. also, its mu ring to do as i like with, wear, dont wear, its mine.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Part of the toxic cycle was me talking less and less to my husband about anything, let alone important things. He got mad about me being secretive, would blow up about communication and then punish me for not "caring." I got quieter, he got louder, we both built up resentment. I didn't feel like I could trust him to handle my problems, so I didn't share them.
> 
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I always take my rings off when I shower, cook and wash my hands. The jeweler told me to as soap scum will nasty up my ring.


Not to mention the fact that I am one who has eczema bad on my hands. It is so bad that I have had to go WEEKS without wearing my rings. Funny thing about that... my husband was, and still is, very understanding about it. He wears his everyday, EXCEPT when he goes to physical therapy and when he is doing any car repair jobs for the family. Why doesn't he wear his ring when he goes to therapy? Because of the risk of losing it in the pool. Yes, he has had to have pool therapy. He doesn't want to leave it in the locker for fear someone will take it. He has had that happen once before. As for auto repair... I think that's self explanatory... it's a safety concern. I'd rather he not get it caught on something and break it, or potentially get his finger ripped off because the ring snagged on something.. No thanks. I'm secure enough to know that the RING doesn't protect from potential dangers... it is the PERSON who is the protection. Meaning: your wife protects herself from such dangers...the ring doesn't do squat in that respect.

As for MY ring...well, NOW I have a chain I wear around my neck when my hands break out. That is as acceptable to my husband as wearing them or not wearing them.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm beginning to wonder if the real cause of the problem here is the thought that brand new TV purchase would have to be postponed if the ring had indeed been lost. Or - was it that it just wasted your time to bother to have to look. 

Which, like other posters, I'm not sure what to say about the fact that the symbol of your marriage seems in some way more important than - respecting the person you are in the marriage with.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

east2west said:


> My first thought was to text her that I found it. But then I thought, maybe let her stew on the situation until she gets home. I think she's going to feel pretty bad about it. Maybe then she'll learn not to take her rings off. But I don't want to give up the moral high ground. So what should I do, tell her now or make her wait?


Emotional punishment to "teach her a lesson" absolutely will not. At least not the one you want to teach.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I feel like I'm going to get seriously flamed for posting this. But you all contributed so I feel like you deserve to hear the outcome. I'm having a really hard time reconciling the unanimous "You are an a$$hole" response from the TAM crowd with the real world response from my wife. Maybe I have accidentally presented myself as a bigger jerk than I really am. Or maybe you just don't understand my relationship. Or maybe you just missed the part of the story where I found the ring. I don't know.

But I took all the responses as a cue that I was not at risk of appearing weak over this. So I did a bunch of nice stuff around the house, brought a ton of firewood in from outside, and set a fire. My wife loves to burn things.

She came home last night all smiles, kisses and hugs from the second she came in the door. She was so happy and I relieved to get her ring back. And also about the firewood and other stuff. I poured some drinks and we went down to my office to relax a bit. Then starts telling me all about how I am "The Perfect Man" and how much she appreciates everything I do. I sh!t you not, those were her exact words. And no I don't think I have been called that before.

Then my phone rang and I had to take a call at my desk. While I was on the phone she started taking off her clothes doing a sexy strip tease as she removed each article of clothing. I think all I said on the phone were things like "yup", "right", "uh-huh", "sure". When I got off the phone she got on her knees and started blowing me. But I could tell she was kinda cold so I gave her my hoody and took her back over to the couch and we fooled around some more. She looked so hot wearing just my hoody. Then we went to the living room and she went down on me some more. Then smoking hot sex in the bed upstairs. Then dinner and cuddling by the fire.

So, basically, thanks for the advice to tone down the macho. It was good advice and the right thing to do. But at the same time, somehow you are all wrong so Mwahhahahahaha. :lol:


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Lol Have to commend your spirit in the last reply...anyway there's a saying... 'All's well that ends well!'


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s a well known fact the alpha male wears a hoody.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Glad you had a pleasant evening!
We won't say we told you so! : - )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Glad you had a pleasant evening!
> We won't say we told you so! : - )
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You sure about that?


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

I went to this post after you mentioned it the Asexual 200+ post in less than 24 hours thread. When I first read this I was all with you. In our 20+ years together I know I have done similar things. Teach her a lesson!

Then I read all the responses... Ouch. I still agree you made the right choice in back tracing her movements right then while it was fresh. But the responses have been very thought provoking and show I still have a lot of learning to do. I sure as hell would not want my wife punishing me after making a mistake. I sure as hell do it to her. Not cool. 

A few other thoughts. Buy her a ring holder. A little dish with a center post. 

Be thankful she can take it off. I cannot take mine off, I am to fat. That needs to change. Lesson... If you cannot take your wedding ring off, you are to fat.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

StargateFan said:


> I went to this post after you mentioned it the Asexual 200+ post in less than 24 hours thread. When I first read this I was all with you. In our 20+ years together I know I have done similar things. Teach her a lesson!
> 
> Then I read all the responses... Ouch. I still agree you made the right choice in back tracing her movements right then while it was fresh. But the responses have been very thought provoking and show I still have a lot of learning to do. I sure as hell would not want my wife punishing me after making a mistake. I sure as hell do it to her. Not cool.
> 
> ...


I still disagree with the "No punishments in marriage" dogma. When the problem is one person's inappropriate behavior the solution is nearly always some form of punishment, whether its a disapproving look, a talk, withdrawal from some activity the other person likes, a fight, or divorce.

But the lesson for me is that it is easy to way overdo a punishment. A very little bit can go a very long way. Also it needs to be balanced out with positive acts that reaffirm your love.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> I still disagree with the "No punishments in marriage" dogma. When the problem is one person's inappropriate behavior the solution is nearly always some form of punishment, whether its a disapproving look, a talk, withdrawal from some activity the other person likes, a fight, or divorce.
> 
> But the lesson for me is that it is easy to way overdo a punishment. A very little bit can go a very long way. Also it needs to be balanced out with positive acts that reaffirm your love.


I wouldn't call it punishment, but more like consequences for the actions or decisions you make/do. It sounds less harsh but basically the same thing


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As a general rule, when I have a choice of being either a hero or a jerk, I try to be a hero. That's the general rule, and I'm not always successful.... which I prove on this very website on a regular basis.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Not a ring, but still important. 

We have a card from Krispy kream donuts that gives us a free dozen donuts for a year. It's good til next aug. my husband texted me that we could run up there and get our donuts, then texted back asking if I see the card laying on the floor. 

He was at work and grabbed it the morning before, and now has misplaced it. He NEVER misplaces anything...EVER! 

I did have rage face for half a second, but I told him, don't worry about it. I half heartedly looked for it, but gave up. 

We stood in line for hours to get this card. What was I going to do??? Storm to his job and yell at him??? Force him to feel any worse than he already did???

I shrugged it off and just didn't care. Accidents happen. 

*i know a dozen donuts dosent equate to a wedding ring, but we likes our food*


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mmmm Krispy Kreme......


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Husband lost his during a car recovery while towing. Dead middle of winter and it fell of his hand into a deep snowbank.

It was a tungsten carbide and titanium ring so there ws absolutely NO way he was finding it. Gone, lost forever.

He cried. I went back to the jeweler who made our rings and had a new one machined to the same specs without telling him. Then had it shipped directly to his work to surprise him.

It's a ring, a symbol. If one is secure in their marriage and love what we wear to symbolize that marriage and love should not be the be all-end all.

You over reacted. Her reluctance and fear to tell you about it suggests you over react a lot and are passive aggressive often...


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

east2west said:


> I still disagree with the "No punishments in marriage" dogma. When the problem is one person's inappropriate behavior the solution is nearly always some form of punishment, whether its a disapproving look, a talk, withdrawal from some activity the other person likes, a fight, or divorce.
> 
> But the lesson for me is that it is easy to way overdo a punishment. A very little bit can go a very long way. Also it needs to be balanced out with positive acts that reaffirm your love.


A talk is not punishment, and is the best solution for "inappropriate behavior" by a spouse. Remaining calm and having a discussion sets precedence for a functional (versus dysfunctional) marriage. 

Being quick to anger, then assigning "punishment", is unhealthy for the marriage and leads to dysfunction. Even in small doses.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

east2west said:


> While I was on the phone she started taking off her clothes doing a sexy strip tease as she removed each article of clothing.


Yeah, but did she take the ring off???


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I've little time for those that use strawman arguments and who are unappreciative.
> 
> 
> No Man punishes his wife. Ever.
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> A talk is not punishment, and is the best solution for "inappropriate behavior" by a spouse. Remaining calm and having a discussion sets precedence for a functional (versus dysfunctional) marriage.
> 
> Being quick to anger, then assigning "punishment", is unhealthy for the marriage and leads to dysfunction. Even in small doses.


I guess you have never been on the receiving end of one of these "talks".


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Seems to me a strong man, secure in his relationship wouldn't be so worried about 'appearing' to be strong or weak or worried about appearing that way to his wife or others. He just is strong.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

CantePe said:


> It's a ring, a symbol. If one is secure in their marriage and love what we wear to symbolize that marriage and love should not be the be all-end all.


I told my wife that if she was going to lose the ring can we at least have a good story to tell? Not one that begins with "I took it off to wash my hands...". To me the ring has some symbolic value but the main value of it is financial; the replacement cost. I look at it like any dumb financial mistake, like forgetting to pay the mortgage and getting your credit dinged for no reason. That would make me mad too. Ambivalence towards an unnecessary financial loss suggests incompetence with money. 

I don't know where people got the idea that I value the ring higher than the marriage itself. My marriage is not in a state where getting a little tiffy about one thing is going to cause a chain reaction leading to divorce. On the contrary, I think holding your partner to a standard of basic competence regarding the things that you both value is important. She does the same to me and I don't see it as something that weakens our relationship. 



> You over reacted. Her reluctance and fear to tell you about it suggests you over react a lot and are passive aggressive often...


There was no reluctance. She told me about it right away. Where was that in my story?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

east2west said:


> I told my wife that if she was going to lose the ring can we at least have a good story to tell? Not one that begins with "I took it off to wash my hands...". To me the ring has some symbolic value but the main value of it is financial; the replacement cost. I look at it like any dumb financial mistake, like forgetting to pay the mortgage and getting your credit dinged for no reason. That would make me mad too. Ambivalence towards an unnecessary financial loss suggests incompetence with money.
> 
> I don't know where people got the idea that I value the ring higher than the marriage itself. My marriage is not in a state where getting a little tiffy about one thing is going to cause a chain reaction leading to divorce. On the contrary, I think holding your partner to a standard of basic competence regarding the things that you both value is important. She does the same to me and I don't see it as something that weakens our relationship.
> 
> ...


Are you at all aware that you've changed your story?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Are you at all aware that you've changed your story?


Nope.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Seems to me a strong man, secure in his relationship wouldn't be so worried about 'appearing' to be strong or weak or worried about appearing that way to his wife or others. He just is strong.


Let me rephrase this without changing the meaning:

"A strong man, secure in his relationship does not care how he appears to his wife and others."

I think that being able to accurately perceive how others see you is important. Otherwise how can you know whether you are having the right kind of influence.

It's like the cliched advice to "just be yourself". It sounds like good advice but it's actually terrible advice.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

east2west said:


> Let me rephrase this without changing the meaning:
> 
> "A strong man, secure in his relationship does not care how he appears to his wife and others."
> 
> ...


Not at all. If you are strong and secure in your strength - why would you spend any time thinking or worrying about someone else's perception? 

Why would you worry about 'punishing' someone to 'prove' you're not weak or as you phrased it - beta?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Not at all. If you are strong and secure in your strength - why would you spend any time thinking or worrying about someone else's perception?
> 
> Why would you worry about 'punishing' someone to 'prove' you're not weak or as you phrased it - beta?


I'm not trying to prove that I am not weak. I am trying to bring about a change in her behavior (stop playing the reverse lottery every time you wash your hands), without causing any unnecessary pain. I think being totally ambivalent about the her losing the ring makes this more likely to happen again. On the other hand, being a complete hard-a$$ about it risks her hurting her feelings an a bigger way.

There are some people who are naturally gifted communicators, who just know what to say and how in order to get the response they want out of others.

But the rest of us have to learn by trial and error. I've noticed that sometimes people react to things that I say in ways that I did not want or expect. Becoming more aware of how other people feel when I communicate with them is part of the solution. If you think that makes me fake or weak or something, then I'm ok with that as long as I keep improving.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

east2west said:


> I'm ok with that as long as I keep improving.


That's great and to do that sometimes it's an idea to listen to others that are on the outside looking in. I don't think a single poster agreed with what you did, but you continue to say that you were in the right. 

It's a recipe for disaster, She may have responded well this time, (You don't know what she's really thinking) but at some point in time she will rebel against your behaviour...


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

east2west said:


> I guess you have never been on the receiving end of one of these "talks".


Now it's "talks"? So it's actually a brow-beating? I would have no respect for that behavior (and I cannot think of any woman who would), and it would breed resentment.


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