# Intimacy issues



## D1987 (2 mo ago)

I am having a really hard time feeling connected to my husband intimately. I am a very shy person to start with and I am aware that I do not have the best self-esteem. I do not trust people easily, it takes a while for me to fully trust someone. However, we have been married for 10 years now and after we both have had a bad experience in our previous relationship, I did feel like we have become comfortable and trusting with each other. However, I am having a hard time with intimacy. It has occured before and we worked through it several times. I am not comfortable with ponography. We have discussed this several times. I am also not comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. We have had many discussions about this as well. I feel like being on a rollercoaster. I do need fully trust him and feel connected emotionally to have a healthy sex life. He doesnt seem to need to feel connected in the way that I do. We have a great sexlife when our relationship is going well and he is drinking less. When he drinks more, we argue and I cannot get mtself to feel connected ans relaxed even thougb I really am trying. When he watches pornography and I find out, I feel more selfconscious, less connected to him especially when he watches pornography after we had sex. I am really tired. I have explained my feelings. I have asked about his needs, I have tried to understand and to listen. Nothing is changing. Please help.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is more a signal that all is not well and has little to do with your intimate issues , 
your not happy with your husband and his ways and it is manifesting itself in your sex life ,


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

D1987 said:


> I am having a really hard time feeling connected to my husband intimately. I am a very shy person to start with and I am aware that I do not have the best self-esteem. I do not trust people easily, it takes a while for me to fully trust someone. However, we have been married for 10 years now and after we both have had a bad experience in our previous relationship, I did feel like we have become comfortable and trusting with each other. However, I am having a hard time with intimacy. It has occured before and we worked through it several times. I am not comfortable with ponography. We have discussed this several times. I am also not comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. We have had many discussions about this as well. I feel like being on a rollercoaster. I do need fully trust him and feel connected emotionally to have a healthy sex life. He doesnt seem to need to feel connected in the way that I do. We have a great sexlife when our relationship is going well and he is drinking less. When he drinks more, we argue and I cannot get mtself to feel connected ans relaxed even thougb I really am trying. When he watches pornography and I find out, I feel more selfconscious, less connected to him especially when he watches pornography after we had sex. I am really tired. I have explained my feelings. I have asked about his needs, I have tried to understand and to listen. Nothing is changing. Please help.


Maybe you are not connected during sex, your husband feels the vibes are not there with you and therefore still feeling frustrated he watches porn afterwards. 
You`ve been married for 10 years yet still having trust issues because of past relationships.
This is a vicious circle.
I don`t think it`s your husband`s needs that are a problem but rather this is more about your needs and do you really know what are your needs? Do you still have feelings for any EXs and that your husband is not reaching or perhaps never reached your expectations.
I suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

If my wife crossed boundaries with porn and drinking the way you describe, I would not trust her to be a safe partner for me either.

Any ideas about what causes him to drink so much? Like work pressures or family issues, or ?

What is his reasons that he wants to look at porn in spite of your desires that he doesn’t? What does he say about that?

As @frenchpaddy said, don’t try to “fix” the closeness and intimacy problem. Instead work on fixing the drinking/porn problems and the intimacy will fix itself.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Your relationship is terrible and unhealthy.


You have low to non existent self esteem and just settled for someone and this life you feel that you deserve.


The only solution to this is to divorce, and you probably could benefit from therapy.



There's no fixing a relationship that two people never should have begun.


You knew who you were dating, and who you were marrying prior...

but you ignored the red flags, and did it anyways.


You two are highly incompatible.

You don't desire one another genuinely.

You two are trying to make the best out of a bad situation and relationship...that each of you settled for.

You two were never what each other genuinely wanted.



That's the real problem.


This is why you nit pick and are trying to change him into the man you desire.


This relationship was doomed for failure before it began.

Two people who are incompatible, with low self esteem, who are highly incompatible, but decided to stay together and cling to one another....

Will never be a successful, progressive relationship.


You two sound like roommates.

Stop forcing yourself to be with him,

Divorce. Go to therapy.

Learn to love yourself.



This relationship isn't ever going to work out.

Plus your husband has an alcohol dependency problem.


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Maybe you are not connected during sex, your husband feels the vibes are not there with you and therefore still feeling frustrated he watches porn afterwards.
> You`ve been married for 10 years yet still having trust issues because of past relationships.
> This is a vicious circle.
> I don`t think it`s your husband`s needs that are a problem but rather this is more about your needs and do you really know what are your needs? Do you still have feelings for any EXs and that your husband is not reaching or perhaps never reached your expectations.
> I suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling


Thank you for the response. We did have counselling. No feelings left for ex's but lessons were learned and I think we approached our relationship with caution in the beginning.
I do know what my needs are, however when I do communicate my needs I feel that he tried for a while and then goes back to old habits.


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> Your relationship is terrible and unhealthy.
> 
> 
> You have low to non existent self esteem and just settled for someone and this life you feel that you deserve.
> ...


I really hope you are wrong and that I can save my marriage. We were both single for some years and went to counselling individually. When we met we approached the relationship with caution. We have 3 boys together. I dont belive that we settled, but I do believe we have losg each other along the way somehow.


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If my wife crossed boundaries with porn and drinking the way you describe, I would not trust her to be a safe partner for me either.
> 
> Any ideas about what causes him to drink so much? Like work pressures or family issues, or ?
> 
> ...


I have asked him and I have tried to be helpful regarding these issu


BeyondRepair007 said:


> If my wife crossed boundaries with porn and drinking the way you describe, I would not trust her to be a safe partner for me either.
> 
> Any ideas about what causes him to drink so much? Like work pressures or family issues, or ?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I have talked to him and asked whether there is any need of him that is not met. Thus, I tried not to blame but rather look at myself first and asked him to talk to me about his needs. His response was that he is happy with our sex life, but there are times that he needs sex more often. We have since tried to make more time for each other (we still have little children) to spend more time alone together. However the frequency has since increased but he is still looking at porn. He explained that he has a tendency to drink too much and to watch pornography and that I should see it as a weakness that he is trying to overcome rather than to view it as something that I am lacking. However, I feel like I am lacking. As I am the complete opposite of what he seems to enjoy watching.


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Maybe you are not connected during sex, your husband feels the vibes are not there with you and therefore still feeling frustrated he watches porn afterwards.
> You`ve been married for 10 years yet still having trust issues because of past relationships.
> This is a vicious circle.
> I don`t think it`s your husband`s needs that are a problem but rather this is more about your needs and do you really know what are your needs? Do you still have feelings for any EXs and that your husband is not reaching or perhaps never reached your expectations.
> I suggest you and your husband go to marriage counseling


Thank you for stating another viewpoint. I have not thought about it this way. From my perspective, I find it hard to connect as I feel that he is placing pornography, which he knows I dislike and alcohol before our marriage. But as you stated, it goes both ways, since when I withdraw emotionally, he probably will look at pornography more and drink more. How do I fix this?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Sorry to hear of your problems, my sympathies. I wanted to address a few things here. I am just a humble man, no one special. It's seems after seeing many folks complain of relationship issues that 3 things seem to become apparent. 1 of the partners has an alcohol use issue, 1 of the partners seems to have a use of porn issue and one of the partners has committed infidelity. You've cited 2 of the 3.
Around the world relationships are really the same, 2 people choosing to share their lives together. Sometimes a partner has internal issues they never tell the other about and can result in the use of alcohol. Social drinks occasionally as when out together can be fine, although some cultures frown on any alcohol consumption. It becomes a problem when it interferes in the relationship, which it has. If this is something you've stated then he should either abstain or seek help to remove that issue from the relationship. As to the porn problems. This has become a huge problem in almost all societies world wide with advent of the internet and ease of access. It is very addictive, mainly for men because of the way men are sexually stimulated through external influences. While some may or may not frown on this subject, there is no doubt as to the problems within relationships it is causing! After you telling him of the issue with this he did minimize your feelings on this with excuses. This is not listening to your needs. Saying he has a need for more frequency of sex is legitimate, but not a reason for porn use. Communication of needs is important on both sides. But excuses are, well as the old saying goes, like butt holes, everyone has one and they stink! Sorry about the analogy, but gets the point home.
Don't allow yourself and needs to be minimized. Ensure he refrains from the use of alcohol for the right reasons and he must stop using the porn! He has you, right there in front of him to be with.
I ask you this. If he can "justify" his use of alcohol and porn, could he also " justify" an affair?
Seek help with these issues and keep communicating.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

D1987 said:


> How do I fix this?


first lets look at what will happen , over the next few years you will start by having less and less sex together and you will feel it is normal thing with age or feel your asexual like others that have come here before you then you will stop having sex his drinking will get worse and he will look at porn might even look at it when the children are around , 
your husband might even start cheating and make no effort to hide it , 

how do you fit this , on your own you can never fix something that takes two to make 
your relationship is made by two and will take two to fix and the two will have to want to fix it or it will end in divorce 

the big question is how soon and when is best before it starts to become better for the kids that you split


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


D1987 said:



...but there are times that he needs sex more often.

Click to expand...

*That's a first - a man complaining he's not getting enough sex. Shocker. 

Honestly OP, if having an alcoholic husband who spends far too much time on Pornhub is your idea of a good time, then you've hit the jackpot. But you seriously need to STOP jumping around like a trained seal so darned eager to please someone who doesn't deserve it. It's pitiful and there is no dignity in it at ALL so stop it.

If he can't man the hell up and clean up his act without *YOU *continually trying to 'fix' what's wrong with him _FOR_ him, then maybe you should stop throwing yourself on the sword for someone who has shown you that he clearly wouldn't do the same for you.

*



I dont belive that we settled....

Click to expand...

*Well, I agree that HE didn't settle. 

But you're settling.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

D1987 said:


> Thank you for the response. We did have counselling. No feelings left for ex's but lessons were learned and I think we approached our relationship with caution in the beginning.
> I do know what my needs are, however when I do communicate my needs I feel that he tried for a while and then goes back to old habits.


Habits is the key word here. Based on what you said, his bad habits need to be addressed. 

Drinking alcohol is not intrinsically bad, in moderation.

Porn is basically the same. 

When anything interferes with life and relationships, it becomes a problem. Alcohol & drug use/abuse also can carry a physiological cost.

You know all of this. Your husband is the only person who can address and fix hus bad habits, you cannot make him take action. You only have agency on how you act and react. The only thing you can do is to communicate your issues to your husband and express the consequences of him continuing.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's a first - a man complaining he's not getting enough sex. Shocker.
> 
> Honestly OP, if having an alcoholic husband who spends far too much time on Pornhub is your idea of a good time, then you've hit the jackpot. But you seriously need to STOP jumping around like a trained seal so darned eager to please someone who doesn't deserve it. It's pitiful and there is no dignity in it at ALL so stop it.
> 
> ...


This x 1000

You have your own issues to work on, OP but your husband has to take responsibility for his porn and drinking habit. It’s affecting the marriage and how you see him. You can only control you, not him, so there is nothing you can do to stop him from drinking excessively. He has to want it for himself. I think if he commits to working on that and improves, and you work on withdrawing emotionally (although, it sounds like a reaction to your husband’s habits) your marriage could really turn the corner and be amazing.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

D1987 said:


> I am having a really hard time feeling connected to my husband intimately. I am a very shy person to start with and I am aware that I do not have the best self-esteem. I do not trust people easily, it takes a while for me to fully trust someone. However, we have been married for 10 years now and after we both have had a bad experience in our previous relationship, I did feel like we have become comfortable and trusting with each other. However, I am having a hard time with intimacy. It has occured before and we worked through it several times. I am not comfortable with ponography. We have discussed this several times. I am also not comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. We have had many discussions about this as well. I feel like being on a rollercoaster. I do need fully trust him and feel connected emotionally to have a healthy sex life. He doesnt seem to need to feel connected in the way that I do. We have a great sexlife when our relationship is going well and he is drinking less. When he drinks more, we argue and I cannot get mtself to feel connected ans relaxed even thougb I really am trying. When he watches pornography and I find out, I feel more selfconscious, less connected to him especially when he watches pornography after we had sex. I am really tired. I have explained my feelings. I have asked about his needs, I have tried to understand and to listen. Nothing is changing. Please help.


Im not a shy person AT ALL and i have a hard time connecting with my huaband to the point im touch atarved. No touch, no kiss, no cuddle, no conversarions, no look AT me or at my direction, no attention, no dates, sex once every 2 or 3 weeks with me turned my back to him.

I already complained all i could and even told him he is risking being cheated on.

He is not worried, i guess 🤣

I tried to talk, tried to complain, tried to press him into talking, he just doesnt "relationship talk" at all. its like im talking to a wall, as he doesnt notice im human. The same whe i complain or need help with ANYTHING. BUT, if his mom complain about the same thing he will solve it asap. Same for his sister and her girlfriend (lesbians).

🤡😡😭

If you find a way to solve yours,write here, bc it may work for me too


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

moon7 said:


> Im not a shy person AT ALL and i have a hard time connecting with my huaband to the point im touch atarved. No touch, no kiss, no cuddle, no conversarions, no look AT me or at my direction, no attention, no dates, sex once every 2 or 3 weeks with me turned my back to him.
> 
> I already complained all i could and even told him he is risking being cheated on.
> 
> ...


You have to whack us men with a 2x4 sometimes.

You need to tell him what you need and will no longer accept. That there will be consequences for inaction.

An affair is not the way. It degrades you and will not solve anything.

Fix your problems together or file for divorce.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

BootsAndJeans said:


> You have to whack us men with a 2x4 sometimes.
> 
> You need to tell him what you need and will no longer accept. That there will be consequences for inaction.
> 
> ...


Ive told him again and again what i need but its lile talking to a wall, i already said.

Its as if he believes if he doesnt talk about it, doesnt answer, it will go away with time.

And no, im not looking for an affair 😆 I meant like, he knows i need conection and if he doesnt conect this relationship is unprotected, bc if a nice guy give me attention i dont know how i would deal anymore as i really need a friend (i live far from my fqriends and my family).


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

That means you are vulnerable to at least an emotional affair. 

You both need to do the work to have a successful marriage. A marriage cannot be successful with only one spouse listening or doing the work. At the minimum, you need to make him absolutely aware that his indifference is a deal breaker. 

There is a good program called Marriage Builders, Google it. You can keep justifying this all and suffer the consequences or you can take action to fix it. 

Not to sound like an old geezer, but I have been with my wife for 40 years. We had issues like in any marriage, but I was able and willing to put aside my male insecurities to meet her half way. 40 years two grown children and a grandson later, our marriage is strong and loving.

Here is a truth to digest. "Being in love" or "falling on love", are just emotional states that are not permanent. I would suggest that true love is in fact a verb, something you do. Love is making a choice to communicate, empathize, care for and desire your spouse. This choice is made hourly, daily even and is expressed in actions and words toward your spouse.

I cannot imagine life without my spouse by my side. I not only would die to protect her; I also have committed to live for and with her. 

But then again, perhaps we are the odd ones out.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

BootsAndJeans said:


> That means you are vulnerable to at least an emotional affair.
> 
> You both need to do the work to have a successful marriage. A marriage cannot be successful with only one spouse listening or doing the work. At the minimum, you need to make him absolutely aware that his indifference is a deal breaker.
> 
> ...


I know marriage builders for years. As you said: doesnt work if its only me caring about this issue.

Thank you.

Yes! Love is an action indeed. Im hoping we learn how to really SEE each other someday. Hopefully soon.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Being married to a heavy drinker and porn user would ruin it for me. These aren't things I would accept and looking at porn just after you have had sex is just plain mean. Talk about making you feel inadequate. ☹


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

D1987 said:


> I am having a really hard time feeling connected to my husband intimately. I am a very shy person to start with and I am aware that I do not have the best self-esteem. I do not trust people easily, it takes a while for me to fully trust someone. However, we have been married for 10 years now and after we both have had a bad experience in our previous relationship, I did feel like we have become comfortable and trusting with each other.


I don’t know your ages but people often begin to open up more in their 40s - 60s. I think the age is more important than the length of marriage.



> I am having a hard time with intimacy. It has occured before and we worked through it several times. I am not comfortable with pornography. We have discussed this several times. I am also not comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. We have had many discussions about this as well.


Do you have discussions about things that you do or enjoy that he dislikes? Where he tells you to stop doing those things or else he will withhold what you want from the relationship?



> I feel like being on a rollercoaster. I do need to fully trust him and feel connected emotionally to have a healthy sex life. He doesnt seem to need to feel connected in the way that I do.


So you can’t have a great sex life unless he follows your orders? Sounds like controlling to me, dressed up with words of emotion.



> We have a great sex life when our relationship is going well and he is drinking less. When he drinks more, we argue and I cannot get myself to feel connected and relaxed even though I really am trying.


Are you arguing about whether he’s failing to follow your commands, such as the command that he drink less?



> When he watches pornography and I find out, I feel more self-conscious, less connected to him especially when he watches pornography after we had sex.


Imagine if your husband said that he doesn’t want you eating junk food because it makes him worry about your health, and every time he sees you eating junk food (or hears that you did it) he feels that you don’t care about his feelings and he feels disconnected from you. How would you feel? Controlled?



> I am really tired. I have explained my feelings. I have asked about his needs, I have tried to understand and to listen. Nothing is changing. Please help.


I’m curious: if your husband offered to stop drinking and watching porn if you will agree to have sex with him every day (and a second time if he’s still not satisfied), would you agree to it?


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

Thank you Craigh for your viewpoint. I am definetely not controlling. The drinking is not about something that I do not like him doing. He has,out of his own gone to the doctor before for treatment and tried to stop drinking as it is not only affecting our marriage but other relationships in his life as well. It has affected his health as well, and he has a hard time sleeping after 02:00am due to his drinking. He will often ask me to please help him as he knows he is drinking too much. Therefore, its not a matter of me trying to control him.
We do have discussions about me, yes. Areas he is not comfortable with me working as we live on a small town he does not want me working like some of the other women in the larger towns. He has several things he is not comfortable with. No girl trips other than day trips with friends, no going to bars and so forth. When I suffered from mild depression due to pressures and happenings in the family, he told me I should either see someone so I can be a mother and a wife or it won't work for him unless I get help.
I did. To answer your question, if he wanted sex every day, I would not. I feel that is it not just about his needs, I am also not a plaster to his drinking problem. When our relationship is going well for periods we do have sex 3 to 4 times a week. When it is going bad, I still do try and we have never had a period of more than 10 days without having sex except for him having an operation or when I gave birth.
He is actively participating in sports weekly for fun and gets together with his friends every Friday evening. I watch the kids. 
I honesly do not feel like I am controlling.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

D1987, it’s always hard to truly get a picture of things from posts. From what you’ve described, he genuinely has a drinking problem. (Assuming, for example, that he didn’t go to the doctor about it “on his own” because you were complaining but rather out of genuine self-concern.) 



> To answer your question, if he wanted sex every day, I would not. I feel that is it not just about his needs, I am also not a plaster to his drinking problem. When our relationship is going well for periods we do have sex 3 to 4 times a week. When it is going bad, I still do try and we have never had a period of more than 10 days without having sex except for him having an operation or when I gave birth.


I wasn’t trying to imply that sex 3-4 times a week isn’t frequent enough.
I asked the question to try to gauge the seriousness of his actions. You say that your frequency of sex is 3-4 times a week when things are going well. So, would you be willing to go up to 7 times a week if his drinking and porn issues would magically disappear? My thought was that if these issues are truly serious, you would probably be willing to do it.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

D1987 said:


> I am not comfortable with ponography. We have discussed this several times. I am also not comfortable with the amount of alcohol he consumes. We have had many discussions about this as well…. When he watches pornography and I find out, I feel more selfconscious, less connected to him especially when he watches pornography after we had sex. I am really tired. I have explained my feelings. I have asked about his needs, I have tried to understand and to listen. Nothing is changing. Please help.


As to the pornography, are you watching it together? Is there genres he seems to prefer? I’m wondering if there is something he wants (perhaps a fetish) that he’s not getting. Maybe the lack of frequency gets him into porn, and then he’s still into it when things go well?

If you don’t like him looking at the other women, maybe you could move him toward erotica like Penthouse Letters?

As to the alcohol, he might be the kind of person who always goes 100% into whatever he does. Is that the case with him? If so, he might be better off if he could find a healthier obsession like body building.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

moon7 said:


> I’m not a shy person AT ALL and i have a hard time connecting with my husband to the point im touch starved. No touch, no kiss, no cuddle, no conversations, no look AT me or at my direction, no attention, no dates, sex once every 2 or 3 weeks with me turned my back to him.
> 
> * * *
> 
> I tried to talk, tried to complain, tried to press him into talking, he just doesnt "relationship talk" at all. It’s like I’m talking to a wall, as he doesnt notice i’m human. The same when I complain or need help with ANYTHING. BUT, if his mom complains about the same thing he will solve it asap. Same for his sister and her girlfriend (lesbians).


First, was he always like this? If so, why did you marry him? If not, what happened?

Second, you say that he will change something if he hears it from the right messenger (same message, different messenger). Instead of taking that as an insult to you, perhaps you can use that information to your advantage and find a way to have another person convey to him about the importance of touching, cuddling, conversation?

Why would he blow off anything that you say? That seems so strange. Have you been constantly complaining about anything and everything for so long that he’s simply tuned out anything you say?

I’m wondering if there are some underlying issues here. Is he masturbating frequently? Is he not attracted to you?


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

Seems to me you’re not getting a lot of validation for what you’re feeling here. On one hand we are just getting your view on things which is totally okay to say. On the other hand there may be some things you both can talk about in a true open and honest discussion, which as you stated hasn’t gone well previously. In this circumstance, couples therapy should be #1 on both your lists. 

Putting aside that, I feel I see some insecure thoughts. Which is also normal to feel, but not typical to feel your spouse is supplementing you to get off. You said your sex life is good when it’s good; as do we all. But you also qualified that him connected like you are connected. Let’s be real for a second, almost no one, and I mean nearly no one, connects the same way. Me? I want my wife’s honey pot. It’s what’s separates me from others. Her? She wants the sappy let’s just hug it out, be close, and feel connected but physical intimacy will ruin it. Sorry, it will never happen for me. Never ever. Nor is it reasonable for her to expect that of me. It’s not that I do not love her, I do, I just experience love in a different way.
Now, him and porn, in my own view isn’t a bad thing necessarily. It bothers you, sure. I get that. But would you be okay if you did something for you that bothered him? It’s a fine line for sure. But as long as it doesn’t supplant intimacy I see no wrong.


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> First, was he always like this? If so, why did you marry him? If not, what happened?
> 
> Second, you say that he will change something if he hears it from the right messenger (same message, different messenger). Instead of taking that as an insult to you, perhaps you can use that information to your advantage and find a way to have another person convey to him about the importance of touching, cuddling, conversation?
> 
> ...


Thank you Craigh for listening. He was drinking before I met him. He was drinking during the time we were dating. He goes to a family doctor he has been to since childhood that he trusts and takes antibuse on occasion. He used Antibuse as well in his previous relationship.
After he takes the medicine for a while, he seems healthier and more bubbly. He sleeps better and he was doing well. On asking why I married, his drinking was under control at the time. We were enganged for 18 months and during this period and for months before this he was fine. After about 2 years married, he was drinking heavily again. This has happened about 4 times during our marriage(10years) where it got to a point where he needed to see the doctor. Lately however, it has become more frequent. He has mentioned that he needs to drink before he can be social. He drinks after a bad day at work. This has been more often lately. He has been under stress during the last 2 years(work). Our oldest son has had some trouble with his mental health over the last 3 years as well and this has caused a lot of stress as well. 
He went to see a different doctor on the last occasion and he described an antidepressant. He does not want to take them as he says it gives him headaches and makes him feel worse. On the question of nagging, I might be nagging although not intentionally. When I see him getting worse, for example sitting awake at night with his nose bleeding, or unable to recall the previous nights events or getting into a heated argument with his mother at a bbq that he cannot recall the next morning I do tend to plead with him to get help. I have always stood by him to help him. I have changed my habits as well in an attempt to help. For example, I do not drink a glass of wine when eating or after work when I know he is having a hard time. The reaon being, if he is having a bad day, after taking the firat drink he finds it hard to stop. I do not have a problem with alcohol use or when he enjoys a few drinks with friends when going out and playing sports or going fishing. The problem comes in when he comes home and keeps drinking to a point where he is unwell. When it is going badly, a trigger might simply be going to a restaurant for a meal as a family. While I drink two glasses of wine, he will continue. An example will be, I will end up having to drive home. He will ask me to pull over on the way home to vomit. These are examples. So I would, the next day talk to him to get help. Ask how I can help. When he gets treatment he is really a good husband and father. When it gets bad he will drink every evening, I tend to feel lonely as he then doesnt have a conversation but rather withdraws and then goes to sleep, after waking up again then at 02am not feeling well. Please keep in mind that what I am describing above is times where is it bad, this is not constant. 
We have had discussion about this, he claims that it is a problem, but that he sees it as a habit and a tool that helps him feel calmer.

We do not watch porn together. I have not tried that yet. I have tried to see if there is a common theme that he looks at. There is no common theme. He claims that it is a habit as well and that he means nothing by it. 

I don't know whether he feels attracted to me or not. He says that he does. However I do at times feel that I am lacking. I do feel lonely at times when he drinks. I feel like I am not good enough because if I was, why would this be happening.
He is a good husband and father when he is well. We enjoy spending time together and often make arrangements to go out alone when it is going well. However, it is hard now. 
If he was a terrible husband and father and drunk all the time I would have left. But like I have tried to explain, it is not constant and I miss him when he is gone(drinking) if that makes sense.


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## D1987 (2 mo ago)

On the why he doesnt listen to me, I dont know. That is the way I perceive it. He does try but after a while falls back to old habits. Maybe by talking to him and pleading as I described, he might as you said see it as nagging as well


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum ?

If A and P don't improve, the it will equal D

Throw the dynamite and see what happens 

You have to be prepared to stay the course 

Good luck. Jimi


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