# Husband Makes more Money then me, can I tell him how to spend it?



## Effygerms (Jun 30, 2012)

My husband is a fisherman and makes a pretty decent living. The only problem is that he makes the bulk of our income but hes terrible with money. We can't afford a house for our family because he spends money on stupid stuff. He says things like it was only 100, 200 or 300 hundred dollars. He always has the have the best of the best of everything. Example, we cant get a plastic trash can we need the stainless steel one that $30 more. I looked thru our bank statements to find that he was spending at least around 2k on miscellaneous things a month. 

The thing that making me feel torn is when I bring up his spending and ask him to cut back he says he will. Then he gets a new crazy phone that he really doesn't need and makes every excuse in the book. One of his excuses is that he works hard for his money and he deserves nice things. I cant really argue with that because he does work a very hard in high labor job. 

As a wife and the mother of his child what right to I have to say what he can and can not spend money on? I wish I was more of a contributor, that way I could save up more money for the big picture.

The thing that drives me crazy is I feel like i do everything I can to save money on my end. I coupon, use cloth diapers. I'm scrubbing baby crap off of a cloth diaper so we can save $25 a week and he comes home and blows $500 like its no big deal. 

I'm not sure what to do. I've stopped freaking out at him because that just leaves us broke and fighting. Even when I try to bring it up calmly he either agrees and keeps doing the same things or fights with me. 

I want nice things too, I just want those nice things to be a home of our own.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Legally everything the two of you earn is community income. Both of you have equal rights to the money both of you earn.

Your husband seems have a real problem with money burning a hole in his pocket. Either he has a gross misunderstanding on how to manage money, or he is feeding an emotional/personality issue where he needs constant instant gratification of buying shiny new things, or both.

What percentage of total income does your husband earn vs your earnings?

What percentage of all household bills does your husband cover? 
Who actually pays the bills.. I mean writes out the checks or pays online? Which of you does this?

Your husband’s choice in how he spends is money is that he goes for the small shinny stuff that makes him feel good in the moment. Saving for a long time to buy a house is not such quick gratification.

Being a fisherman is hard, dangerous work. Does he have good health insurance, disability insurance, retirement, 401K, etc?
YOu need help.. a lot of help in getting control of your family fiancés.
The first thing I suggest is that you read the book “Smart Couple Finish Rich: Nice Steps to creating a Rich Future for you and your partner” by David Bach. Read it to your husband and the two of you discuss it. The book has a very good way of pointing out the waste of what your husband is doing. 

There are two things that have curbed my spending a lot. One is that when I get that urge to buy someone I ask myself if I can live without it until tomorrow. If I can live without it until tomorrow then, if I really want it I can come back tomorrow and get it. Well 999 out of 1000 I never go back to get the thing the next day. Yet I felt such a craving for it at the moment…. When I started to do that I started to realize how much I used to just knee jerk buy things that I never need… wasting a LOT of money. Maybe you can ask your husband that question every time he starts to buy a shiny now toy. Maybe he will start to catch on.

The other thing I started to do is to envision that I had to work over time for any non-essential. So if I want something expensive a frivolous I schedule over time ( non-committed over time) to work the number of hours necessary to buy the time after payroll taxes. Most of the time, when it comes down to working the over time I just don’t want to do it. I find that I value my time more than I value the shinny thing I was going to buy. 

Yea I still treat myself from time to time… that’s ok. But I do not use shopping as entertainment and emotional therapy anymore.


----------



## Effygerms (Jun 30, 2012)

Id say me makes at least 85% of our income. We live in MA so we legally have to have health insurance. The bills come out of my account so my money gets spent first then his money pays the rest. I'm the one that balances the accounts and knows whats coming out and when. I try to do what I can to save money like no more take out the cloth diapers, jumping in recycle bins for coupons. Ill try the can you wait till tomorrow tactic. Hopefully it will work with him. If he whines and stomps around like a kid in a candy store I might just punch him (not really). I've given some of his "stuff" away cause I don't like to live cluttered. he doesn't even notice its gone. Which shows he probably should not have bought it in the first place. Its a little hard with our situation to sit him down to really figure things out because he fishes off shore and hes only home 2 out of every 10 days. It really is our money but sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my head around that because I don't feel, even doing the best I can do that I've done enough to earn that money. So he just shuts me right up when he goes on about how hard hes worked for it.


----------



## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Effygerms said:


> As a wife and the mother of his child what right to I have to say what he can and can not spend money on? I wish I was more of a contributor, that way I could save up more money for the big picture.


You have the right to decide on your family's finances but all that matters if he will listen to you and accept your 'right'.

The basic problem is differences in frugality. You are a very frugal person (kudos for that btw) while he requires instant gratification. Such a situation can stress out any marriage because your outlook in life is not the same. You think of tomorrow and how saved money can be useful to meet your expenses while he is only interested in today. Unfortunately unless he changes his outlook you'll be stressed for most of your marriage. 

In your case i would suggest hiding small amounts for money away from him in a secret account. That will help you in a financial emergency or in the event you have to go your separate ways. Since you control your family's finances this should be a breeze for you. Good Luck!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Effygerms said:


> Id say me makes at least 85% of our income. We live in MA so we legally have to have health insurance. The bills come out of my account so my money gets spent first then his money pays the rest.


This is so wrong and backwards. His money should be used first to pay all the bills. 

If I were you I’d be putting all of your money in an account as a rainy day fund. And maybe take a bit so you can buy things for yourself once in a while.

One good way to do it is to put all of both of your income in a joint account. Put 10%-20% into savings. (Pay yourself first.) Pay all of your bills, buy groceries, etc. Take the left over $$ and divide it equally between the two of you. Now both of you get to have some fun and buy nice things. And things for your children do not come out of your half. They are paid before you split the remaining 50/50.


Effygerms said:


> I'm the one that balances the accounts and knows whats coming out and when.


I thought so. His actions are those of someone who has no clue what it takes to run a family. You need to sit that guy down weekly and go over the income/expense and asset/debt sheets. Do you know how to do these? Maybe you could get a copy of QuickBooks to do your accounts. Run your home finances like a business and the two of you sit down and plan/work together. 

You just might be making it too easy for him to not pay attention to where the money goes and what is needed.


Effygerms said:


> I try to do what I can to save money like no more take out the cloth diapers, jumping in recycle bins for coupons. Ill try the can you wait till tomorrow tactic. Hopefully it will work with him. If he whines and stomps around like a kid in a candy store I might just punch him (not really).


If you did all of this and just used the simple plant that I outlined above, you two would be able to buy a house in no time.


Effygerms said:


> I've given some of his "stuff" away cause I don't like to live cluttered. he doesn't even notice its gone. Which shows he probably should not have bought it in the first place.


Either donate it to charity and take a tax write off or hold garage sales and make some cash. AT least that way you can get something out of the stuff. Maybe you could get the receipts, keep boxes and just return it to the store when he’s not looking? Just a thought…


Effygerms said:


> Its a little hard with our situation to sit him down to really figure things out because he fishes off shore and hes only home 2 out of every 10 days. It really is our money but sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my head around that because I don't feel, even doing the best I can do that I've done enough to earn that money. So he just shuts me right up when he goes on about how hard hes worked for it.


You sound like a good, generous woman. But you are enabling him in some really bad habits.

First off… he’s as responsible to support your children as you are. Since he makes more it falls on him right now. If you are like most families, most of your expenses are for your children. Do not feel guilty about having him support the children. If he did not have you to take care of the children, he’d have to pay a LOT of money for someone to do it while he was working. You are working hard as well, contributing to the family/marriage, by raising your children and keeping your home up.

How many hours a week do you work outside the home?

IMHO, an important part of being married is to help our spouse be the best person they can be. You are not doing that allowing him to squander the income from his hard labor. Is he really going to miss it all that much if you do the setup of saving first, pay bills and then you two split it 50/50? I doubt it. 

Perhaps you need to read the book, make your plans… then give him the book to read.. or… it’s a small book.. read it to him over a couple of weekend while he’s home. 

Or just tell him that you are taking some control over the finances because you are worried that you have no savings, no buffer for rainy days.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I agree with a lot of Elegirl's suggestions. You say your husband is NOT home much because of his job. Securing a financial future for YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY is something that should take PRECEDENCE in the free time you two DO have together. It may take several meetings over a couple of months, but you CAN get yourselves squared away and only have to revisit the topic annually to make any necessary changes (new baby, buy a house, vacation, investments, etc.)

1.) Tell your husband that you two MUST make a plan together on how to manage your money. Tell him you realize how hard he works and you want a good life for ALL THREE OF YOU to show for his efforts. Also point out that YOU work hard, TOO. You're RAISING HIS CHILD and taking care of your home, your bills, etc.

2.) Sit down WITH YOUR HUSBAND and show him IN WRITING
a. your GROSS INCOME (how much money you both make every month)
b. how much your fixed costs are (the ones that are the SAME every month like rent, car payment, etc.)
c. how much your variable costs are (the ones that are different every month depending on how much you use like electric, food, water, phone, etc.). Take an average for the past 12 months. Don't forget things like insurance (home/renters, car, etc. that only come up once a year) that's why you need to look at your checkbook for the PAST YEAR.
d. Write down how much NET INCOME (the income after bills are paid) you have left per month.
e. Subtract from your NET INCOME 20% of your net income to put into SAVINGS. YOU DO NOT TOUCH THIS MONEY. It is for investments, buying a house, medical/family emergency, etc.
f. See how much is left. If there is a SUBSTANTIAL amount left, then consider putting 20% of GROSS INCOME into savings instead of 20% of NET income. Or you could MORE THAN 20% in savings, but you both MUST AGREE.
g. The money that is left is your DISCRETIONARY INCOME (you have the discretion to spend it any way you want). 1/2 should go to your husband and 1/2 should go to you. Your H can spend his on ANYTHING HE WANTS with NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS from you. If you think it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, it's stupid, etc. SO WHAT! HIS money, his choice. The same applies to YOUR discretionary income. NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS from your H. 

BTW, buying stuff for your child does NOT come out of discretionary income (except for ice cream cones, etc.) Your child's needs should be an item included in your variable costs.

This should alleviate your H's fears that he won't get the fruit of his labors by allowing him to indulge in what he wants WITHIN BUDGET. Your fears of no future home will be alleviated by SAVINGS. As long as you BOTH abide by your spending limits (no cheating, no whining), you should see immediate improvement.

Does your H have access to global cell/internet connection onboard ship in his off-hours? If so, you might email discussions on financial matters. If not, you MUST schedule time when he's home. It won't take forever to sort out, but it will take some time on the front end...and some on-going commitment.

Your H should be looking at your bank statements EVERY MONTH when he is home from work. Highlight the growing SAVINGS balance every month and tell him you appreciate his efforts to improve your family's financial future. Also tell him how excited you are about saving for a home. Ask for his ideas on reducing expenses (cheaper cell phone plans, cable tv bill, grilling out in good weather instead of a restaurant) and also solicit his ideas for investment for your savings (home, retirement, vacation, etc.)

Hope this helps you both. I must say I (respectfully) TOTALLY DISAGREE with the 'hiding money' suggestion. That is rug-sweeping the problem and does not solve anything! You must deal with adult issues as adults and, once resolved, you're done with them...they're not on-going problems. GOOD LUCK!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I make considerably more than my wife. Do I let her tell me how to spend my money?

*HELL, YES! OF COURSE I DO!!!*

Why? I am really crappy with money. One of my wife's many fields of expertise is accountancy. (She has multiple degrees, one of which is accountancy) 

So she tells me how to spend my money. Because I ask her to.

Why? Well, we are married, and it is not my income, it is our income, from the way I see things. 

She sometimes asks me if she should spend money on herself. I always say yes, as she is not keen on spending on herself.


----------



## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Just like MattMatt, it's not his or my income it's our income, and is spent on needs accordingly, money is allocated to both needs, wants & bills, I don't get marriages that operate based on his or her income seperately, marriage is a union on all levels, which includes pooling income.


----------



## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Im glad you started this thread. My huband makes double what I make. He sees nothing wrong with a $35 lunch JUST FOR HIM but nit picks every dime i spend. So frustrating


----------



## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> Just like MattMatt, it's not his or my income it's our income, and is spent on needs accordingly, money is allocated to both needs, wants & bills, I don't get marriages that operate based on his or her income seperately, marriage is a union on all levels, which includes pooling income.


I totally agree. My husband wants to control the money. I have to placate him to avoid argument. Sad thing is...he is bad with money and doesnt see it. Before we met his mother handled his finances.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

My ex made about 75% of our household income and I earned 25% of it. When we first married we set up an arrangement where we contributed those same percentages toward the household bills and the system worked very well. 

If our total expenses each month were $2,000, for instance, his earnings paid $1,500 of it and I wrote a check to him for $500. Whatever was left over was ours to do with as we pleased. (He still let me spend generously, but that's a different story. We had plenty for both of our wants and needs.)

I'm confused by your post, though. Your husband could still spend mostly the way he does if you own a home or rent it. In fact, it'd probably cost less to rent. So why is that a problem?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Because ownership gives you something tangible.


----------

