# I'm afraid I have ruined my marriage / life



## Mistakes (Aug 21, 2010)

I buy stuff. My husband doesn't pay attention to anything. Not the finances, not the house, not me. It makes me happy for a short time to buy a new dress, or new shoes, or to paint the kitchen, or buy a dining room buffet, or spend $600 at the greenhouse to plant a new garden.

I had a decent and promising career when we married but my husband demanded I compromise my job. He would insist on driving me to work and scream at the the whole way because I told him what street to turn on and he knew a different way. I gave in to his demands to make career decisions he wanted and tried to do them with a good attitude but I was correct and it ruined my career.

Now I am mostly unemployed. He is on the road all the time. My children are away at college. The rest of my family is like the Jerry Springer show so I totally stay away from them. I have no friends.

I had 3 bankruptcies before meeting my husband. One because my exhusband had $40k in credit card debt when we married (he didn't tell me) and we couldn't pay our bills when our baby was born. The 2nd was after the same guy sued me for custody while not paying any child support for many years. Ohio thought that was okay. It ruined me. The 3rd bankruptcy was because a major creditor was not correctly notified in the 2nd bankruptcy. 

I'm going back to school one last semester, at nearly age 50, to finish my degree and get a certification that I hope will land me a job. I have been mostly in bed for more than a month. So depressed I don't want to do anything any more.

I will try to get up and do things and then end up back in bed.

While I buy things, my husband takes usually $800 cash out of the bank for "spending money. each month. I run the household so this is money for whatever he wants. I have told him repeatedly it is more than we can afford but he just gleefully pulls out his $200 cash anyway. Then when the bank overdrafts he screams at me and says everything is my fault.

I must be frank I am trapped between wanting to die and wanting to run away, but knowing it would hurt my children if I did either. And if I ran away before I finish school I would be jobless and probably homeless.

I don't have any friends.

My life is ruined. I think my marriage is ruined.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You buy things, but tell him his spending money is more than you can afford. I see one problem right there. You're playing the "I can, but you can't" game. That needs to stop. If he can't have that money, then you need to stop buying things that are not required to live. 

Now, as for the rest, it sounds like you have depression, which you've already pretty much admitted to. You should see a doctor and find out what the best way to treat you would be, and get treated. Your husband, from what you say (and we don't know his side, so there's no way to really know for sure), treats you pretty badly. If you want that to stop, you have to make it stop. You have to tell him you won't be treated that way, and do things to ensure he stops. 

I have to wonder...you say he pays attention to nothing, but I have to wonder if perhaps his treatment of you (although vile, and not at all an appropriate way to handle it) is because he DOES pay attention, knows how much money you spend, and with 3 bankruptcies, and you telling him he can't have spending money, he feels you're irresponsible with money. 

You don't mention what kind of job he has, but you mention he's on the road all the time. My boyfriend is a truck driver, and believe me, it does cost him money to live while on the road. He actually needs about $150 a week, for meals, tolls, drinks, his cigarettes, and a little just in case cushion, in case something were to go wrong with the truck. So $200 a month is really very reasonable to me. That's $50 a week, a third of what my boyfriend needs. 

I think the first thing to do is get yourself treated for depression, and get your spending under control. Then start dealing with the way he treats you, get into some marriage counseling, and take it from there.


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## Mistakes (Aug 21, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback. He takes out $200 cash per WEEK for "spending money" and that is on top of his company giving him a $70 per day per diem when he is on the road that he puts on his corporate amex that they pay for. 

Even when he is home for a week he takes himself out to eat at restaurants while I sit at home. He complains about what I make for dinner, and how I cook. He criticizes how I drive, even though I have had zero accidents in 30 years and he has totaled 3 cars over the years and had a recent speeding ticket. and damaged a rental car that we had to pay for. He ridicules my housekeeping, my activities, doesn't criticize my looks... but he rarely says I'm pretty and he looks at younger women... turns his head to stare even when I'm sitting right next to him. 

I think I started spending money in this marriage out of loneliness and resentment. It was like for an hour or two I would just feel free and happy... a new dress would make me feel pretty and special... the flower garden gave me such joy for days as I planned it and planted. 

My bankruptcies came more than a decade ago after my ex-husband who paid no child support for our two children (okay $50 per month for 6 years then $100 per month for 3 years) while I worked 3 jobs... and he sued me for custody saying I was a danger to our children... and the court allowed this near-deadbeat to drag me through the courts for three+ years. I continued to work 60 or more hours per week... he continued paying almost no child support for 9 years. When I "won" the custody battle I was so broke from lawyer fees and other related expenses there was no hope I would ever get free of the debt. But the court said "oh there is no evidence of any abuse... in fact the children are doing great." So congratulations, you win! Except I had $25,000 in legal debt and other loans I took out to hire babysitters so I could travel out of state for hearings and lawyer meetings.

With my current husband I made beautiful budgets on Excel showing how if we just reigned in our spending money and stop eating at restaurants we could put hundreds of dollars per month into savings... and he would scream at me that he never needed any f-ing budgets before he met me. I point out that he never owned a home and had a family before. He has steadfastly mocked my attempts to show him a budget and plan. I was able to get $13,000 into savings for us but a 1.5 years ago when he got laid off we used it up. He was embarrassed to collect unemployment... he acted like it was welfare. Now he blames me again that there are no savings. 

My misery level is so high it is difficult to get out of bed each day. I feel like my life is hopeless and joyless. I am afraid that even finishing my degree and getting the certification will not land me a lucrative job. I think I allow myself to be victimized but I don't know how to stop... I need a good job with a stable income before I can be truly independent. 

I made breakfast after returning from my part time job just this morning... my husband dished up then started picking a fight... the same issues we discussed yesterday and had completely resolved... we had made agreements... everything was great... but then he brings it all up again this morning and he very artfully escalates into screaming at me that I am "stupid" and "ignorant" and then finished by screaming that I am an a****** because I said that this fight isn't about the issues he is bringing up... it is because he felt like kicking me around... because we just settled all these issues yesterday. 

I said that if it wasn't this topic for a fight... he would be screaming at me and calling me "stupid" because of the way I drive... or he would be screaming about how "stupid" somebody at work is and making me sit here and listen to him scream because he seems to need an audience for his rage.

I think I see as I'm writing this... and posting on some forum somewhere... that my marriage must be ending. I think if I had a job and could support myself I would be gone.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I haven't finished reading your reply yet, but I'd like to apologize. I must have read to quickly, because I didn't see he was taking $800 a month....I saw the $200. That does slightly change my opinion on the money, only in terms of I think you should BOTH stop spending so much.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, now that I've read the rest of your response, I have to say I agree with your final statement: I think your marriage may be ending. In fact, I think it should be ending. If you are that miserable and unhappy, then there's no reason to stay. I'm one to usually recommend counseling, but honestly...it sounds to me like you are just too miserable. It's not worth it. 

Find a job. Honestly, if you're ready to get out, contact a women's shelter in your area if need be. They can help you move out, get a job, get assistance, get whatever you need to get back on your feet alone. But don't stay and be miserable.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Ok, now that I've read the rest of your response, I have to say I agree with your final statement: I think your marriage may be ending. In fact, I think it should be ending. If you are that miserable and unhappy, then there's no reason to stay. I'm one to usually recommend counseling, but honestly...it sounds to me like you are just too miserable. It's not worth it.
> 
> Find a job. Honestly, if you're ready to get out, contact a women's shelter in your area if need be. They can help you move out, get a job, get assistance, get whatever you need to get back on your feet alone. But don't stay and be miserable.


I hate to tell you this, but a womans shelter will not assist with this, for one thing they make to much money. 

Have you ever thought your H is angry about the money you so freely spend? Have you ever thought that maybe he feels that if you have the right to burn as much of the money he makes he should have that same right? Why should he want to save money if you will just go on spending sprees anyways?

I do agree that your marriage is about over, I think he will be getting out of this situation soon. I think you need to lay out all your feelings to him, apoligise for your shortcommings, address the issues that he needs to work on and see if the marriage can be saved.


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## Mistakes (Aug 21, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> I think he will be getting out of this situation soon. I think you need to lay out all your feelings to him, apoligise for your shortcommings, address the issues that he needs to work on and see if the marriage can be saved.


Isn't that weird, he called me four times now on his flight across the country this evening... he says he loves me so much, he wants to spend his life with me, everything will be okay. Psychopath.

This is the exact definition of the abuse cycle... first they scream at you and tell you you are to blame for everything and criticize every little thing you do... intimidate and beat you down until you can't drag yourself out of bed anymore. Scream at you on the way to dropping you off at work over any ridiculous thing so you go to work with your guts in knots. 

Then call and say "oh I love you so much I want to spend my life with you." He's a psychopath and I'm a fool for staying with him for more than a decade and letting him destroy my self confidence and bully me.

Brewster thank you for your comments, you really opened my eyes. I won't be apologizing for even one thing. Apologize for buying a dress or a pair of shoes? No way. Apologize for $600 for a summer garden project (massive landscaping to replace the overgrown weeds he is too lazy to mow) when he blows $800 every month on restaurants and cigarettes on top of company paid meals? Screw him. I will walk away knowing he is a destructive narcissist and I will be so much better off without him. 

Thank you for helping me open my eyes.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Boy was I ever wrong in this one, I actually thought you said you went on spending sprees due to your unhappiness in the marriage not that you bought a few things from time to time....My bad please accept my apology.


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