# my husband won't let me have an abortion



## Snowflakes

I'm new here and i hope you could help me...
i've been married for 8 years now and i have two boys, 2 weeks ago i found out that i'm eight weeks pregnant (obviously ten now) and i've decided to have an abortion but when i told my husband about it he refused to let me. The news of my pregnancy made him happy but i don't think i want or can have another baby now. i tried explaining that to him and tell him that we can have another baby later but he wouldnt listen... even my own mother agrees with him and she told me to keep the baby...
i really don't know what to do.. i'm just not ready but they don't understand that...
what should i do?:frown2:


----------



## Personal

It's your body and your choice, if you want to have an abortion do exactly that.


----------



## Diana7

Personal said:


> It's your body and your choice, if you want to have an abortion do exactly that.


if she wants her marriage to end yes.


----------



## Diana7

I can fully understand that your husband doesn't want you to kill your baby(which is also his). I am sure you will both manage, so many women do, and you will love that child as you do your other children.After that one of you can get permanently sterilised to avoid this happening again. 

I also understand your mum. I would be devastated if one of my grandchildren was killed in this way.


----------



## jorgegene

Is he against your abortion as a matter of morality, or as a practical matter, I.e. he wants to have the kid.
there's a big difference.

he cannot legally prevent you from having an abortion in the u.s., but he can leave you over this.
many people do believe abortion is killing a child.

what is his stance on this?


----------



## Snowflakes

he just said he wants to have the baby...
i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...


----------



## EleGirl

How old are your two children?

I get the impression that your husband is not anti-abortion. He just wants this child. Is that right?

Are you having any complications with this pregnancy?

Did you have complications during those pregnancies?

Did you have any PPD after either of them?

I get exactly what you are saying that you are just too exhausted right now to do this.

If your husband and mother are pushing you to not have an abortion, then ask them what extra support they are willing to give you to help you carry this baby. 

Do they believe you, when you tell them that you are too exhausted and don't think you can do go through with this pregnancy?

What I think I'm seen here is that you are telling them that you have a serious problem with not felling physically and mentally capable of this pregnancy. And they are not listening and/or do not care.

Have you talked to your doctor about how tired you are? Is there any help you can get from your doctor?

If you abort this baby your marriage is probably over.

If you don't abort this baby, you might end up so run down that you cannot function well. And your marriage might be over because your husband is dismissing your very real concerns.

(I am not a huge proponent of abortion. But have sort of been where the OP is and think I understand what she is saying.)


----------



## EleGirl

Also, are you a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)? or do you have a job outside the home?


----------



## Snowflakes

they're 7 and 3 years old

right

it's not that i don't think it's the right time

yes, i almost lost second baby

yes

they just say it will change once i give birth 

thanks a lot for understanding, really.. it's just a hard decision that's going to wreck my family either way and i'm just afraid...

and no i do not work


----------



## 225985

Snowflakes said:


> he just said he wants to have the baby...
> i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...


Require him to get a vasectomy.


----------



## Diana7

Snowflakes said:


> they're 7 and 3 years old
> 
> right
> 
> it's not that i don't think it's the right time
> 
> yes, i almost lost second baby
> 
> yes
> 
> they just say it will change once i give birth
> 
> thanks a lot for understanding, really.. it's just a hard decision that's going to wreck my family either way and i'm just afraid...
> 
> and no i do not work


No it wont wreck your family either way, you will have a very reasonable age gap with your other children, as has been said ask your family for more help. If you are very tired go and see the doctor, you may be anaemic. Have you told your husband why you are so worried? Does he help when he is around?

Mine were aged 4 and 7 when I had my third, yes its a busy time but well worth it. You maye well have deep regrets if you kill this baby, so many women do. I am sure that in time you will be so glad that you didn't abort this child.


----------



## Furyus

For another reason I signed up for this forum and before I could post my troubles and saw your post and felt compelled to reply. 

When I got a verse tome, I had to go through an emotional evaluation to prove that I really wanted it, and my wife had to sign it. The point is that it is not a negotiation on either part, but a joint decision. 

Five years ago my wife and I had two incredible children and we discussed whether or not we should have a third. The end result of the conversation was a consensus to not try, but not NOT try for a month and if it happened, it happened. 

While we were having sex a month later, I came inside her (we used the pull out method). She freaked out because she had changed her mind and neglected to tell me. Sure enough, she got pregnant with our third at a time when we didn't think we could handle it. We decided to go forth with the pregnancy and now we have three kids. 

It's hard. It's not easy. Raising three young kids and trying to do the right thing. We have less time. We see less of each other. And I would not have changed my decision for the world. My life without my third would be less full than my life with him. Our family is stronger. We make it work. No matter what. 

The point is, communication before, during, and after having a baby is key. The fact that the communication did not happen beforehand is not your unborn baby's fault. Mostly people who are not well mentally are the ones who claim that their unexpected babies were a bad decision. You will have to be stronger and overcome bigger hurdles, but overall it will make you two stronger. Work together. Communicate. Love. 

I don't know how old your other children are, but it is amazing how much they step up to the plate when needed. Set that expectation with them. They have responsibilities now along with you. Raise that kid. There is no shortage of love within us and you will surprise yourself.


----------



## Starstarfish

> so many women do, and you will love that child as you do your other children.


As a child who mother was talked out of an abortion, please lets not spread this rhetoric that birth somehow transforms all women into caring mothers who just blossom into glowing love for their children. My mother has never cared for me the way she felt about me the way she feels about my siblings whom were planned. It's been obvious my entire life, let's please not spread this crap.


----------



## Diana7

Starstarfish said:


> As a child who mother was talked out of an abortion, please lets not spread this rhetoric that birth somehow transforms all women into caring mothers who just blossom into glowing love for their children. My mother has never cared for me the way she felt about me the way she feels about my siblings whom were planned. It's been obvious my entire life, let's please not spread this crap.


That may have been the case for you, which is sad, but don't assume that always the case. I have known many couples who had an unplanned baby who was much loved and they never regretted having that baby.


----------



## Starstarfish

Diana7 said:


> That may have been the case for you, which is sad, but don't assume that always the case. I have known many couples who had an unplanned baby who was much loved and they never regretted having that baby.


I don't assume it's always the case, but I think this "just rise the love up out of you" stuff doesn't work for all people. Also, the number of people who will actually honestly confess to anyone else they regret their kids even if they seriously do is small, it's understood as an unspeakable thing to say.


----------



## Red Sonja

The OP came here for help and support with a difficult problem and some of you are using her pain as an opportunity to debate the abortion issue.

:slap: Can you be any more self-centered?


----------



## Davidmidwest

If you do it will be the end of your marriage. After this one either one of you get fixed. It's then done. You both should have had the fixing surgery after the second. Live with it. Youe husband is excited about it, then he must really love you!
You both have a lot to give and love. Go with it.


----------



## Personal

@Red Sonja I'm not doing what you claim, I have been there and done that with my wife, neither of us regret the abortion at all, and are perfectly okay with it, and given identical circumstances as discussed this morning would make the same decision.

Plus I can relate that neither my wife nor I have ever suffered from any mental illness, depression, anxiety et al and have thus never been on medication for the same.

As someone who has actually been there and done that, I think it is appalling that some people in this discussion have been using this discussion to vilify those who have faced this. All I have done is challenge some of that vilification.

Participants here should make no mistake, not all of us have a problem with it and some of us given the right circumstances consider the decision to abort a very sensible one.


----------



## Spicy

If you can't handle a third...consider Adoption over abortion. So many women can't conceive and would do anything for a baby. Please don't kill one because the timing is bad and your tired. Imagine the regret. My one friend who did this was haunted by it the rest of her life. She had two boys already, and like you, was just exhausted. It tuned out it was not the right choice for her. Please be completely sure before you kill your baby.


----------



## EleGirl

Please, debating abortion is really not going to help Snow. It's pretty clear that she knows all the arguments pro and con. 

She has stated a problem that she has. She does not feel capable of handling the pregnancy.

How about actually helping her and lets find out why she feels this way and what kind of support she needs.

The thread jack of arguing the pros and cons of the abortion debate will be deleted. (speaking as a moderator)


----------



## EleGirl

Spicy said:


> If you can't handle a third...consider Adoption over abortion. So many women can't conceive and would do anything for a baby. Please don't kill one because the timing is bad and your tired. Imagine the regret. My one friend who did this was haunted by it the rest of her life. She had two boys already, and like you, was just exhausted. It tuned out it was not the right choice for her. Please be completely sure before you kill your baby.


Her husband wants the baby. It would require both of them signing off on the adoption. I doubt he would sign away his rights to the baby.


----------



## EleGirl

Snowflakes said:


> they're 7 and 3 years old
> 
> right
> 
> it's not that i don't think it's the right time
> 
> yes, i almost lost second baby
> 
> yes
> 
> they just say it will change once i give birth
> 
> thanks a lot for understanding, really.. it's just a hard decision that's going to wreck my family either way and i'm just afraid...
> 
> and no i do not work


You say that you almost lost your second baby. What happened? At what point in the pregnancy did this happen? Could you please tell us more about this. 

You also said that you had PPD. Was this with only one of your children or both? If only one, which one. How long did it last and how did it affect you?

Why do you think you are so tried now? Did you ever really come out of the PPD? 

What is a typical week like for you? How much help do you get from your husband and what kind of help? 

How much time a week to you and your husband spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?

How much time week do you get for yourself to do things like get out with friends, by yourself and to pamper yourself?


----------



## Snowflakes

EleGirl said:


> You say that you almost lost your second baby. What happened? At what point in the pregnancy did this happen? Could you please tell us more about this.
> 
> You also said that you had PPD. Was this with only one of your children or both? If only one, which one. How long did it last and how did it affect you?
> 
> Why do you think you are so tried now? Did you ever really come out of the PPD?
> 
> What is a typical week like for you? How much help do you get from your husband and what kind of help?
> 
> How much time a week to you and your husband spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?
> 
> How much time week do you get for yourself to do things like get out with friends, by yourself and to pamper yourself?



I had bad things going on back then, i was really really stressed and unable to focus on my own health so when i was 28 weeks pregnant i almost lost him.

I had PPD with my second baby im not sure how long it lasted

I do not think its the right time because my sons are taking all my time and also think two kids are enough i dont really see why my huaband still want more

Its so busy and loud because as we all know children love to play and being loud and careless is so much fun to them. To be honest, i have a nanny to help me most of the time since my husband is barely around he only shows a bit of help during the weekends otherwise its just me and the nanny who take care of them.

We only get that like once in a while since hes always busy with work and im taking care of the family

You could say once in a week


----------



## EleGirl

Snowflakes said:


> I had bad things going on back then, i was really really stressed and unable to focus on my own health so when i was 28 weeks pregnant i almost lost him.


Are you more able to focus on your health now? 




Snowflakes said:


> Its so busy and loud because as we all know children love to play and being loud and careless is so much fun to them. To be honest, i have a nanny to help me most of the time since my husband is barely around he only shows a bit of help during the weekends otherwise its just me and the nanny who take care of them.


Is your nanny full time? Can you rely more on her? That way you could spend more time taking care of yourself.



Snowflakes said:


> We only get that like once in a while since hes always busy with work and im taking care of the family
> 
> You could say once in a week


So it sounds like you and your husband don't have much of a relationship if you only spend time together once in a while. Is that right?

How is your marriage over all?


----------



## Satya

It sounds a bit like your husband wants the kids for the sake of enjoying them when they're old enough, meanwhile you seem to be saddled with the majority of all of the raising. 

Would be be agreeable if he were commit to help take more care of the children or hire a nanny FT so that you could work or do more things that don't always involve the children? 

Perhaps if you weren't set on the inevitable future as you see it, and it were to change to take some pressure off, would that make you less afraid of the future and maybe reconsider where you stand?

Don't misinterpret. I am not telling you what you should do. I merely want to understand if this is a decision of yours set in stone or if there's a possibility of a different outcome, if other factors change.


----------



## Diana7

Snowflakes said:


> I had bad things going on back then, i was really really stressed and unable to focus on my own health so when i was 28 weeks pregnant i almost lost him.
> 
> I had PPD with my second baby im not sure how long it lasted
> 
> I do not think its the right time because my sons are taking all my time and also think two kids are enough i dont really see why my huaband still want more
> 
> Its so busy and loud because as we all know children love to play and being loud and careless is so much fun to them. To be honest, i have a nanny to help me most of the time since my husband is barely around he only shows a bit of help during the weekends otherwise its just me and the nanny who take care of them.
> 
> We only get that like once in a while since hes always busy with work and im taking care of the family
> 
> You could say once in a week


Wow, you have a nanny most of the time, you are so blessed. How many others would have loved even a little help but couldn't afford it. :surprise: 
Surely she can care for the boys for a few weeks at the beginning while you recover from the birth and care for the baby?

Have you sought medical help for the tiredness? Had blood tests? Mind you tiredness is very common in the first 3 months anyway.


----------



## Snowflakes

EleGirl said:


> Are you more able to focus on your health now?


Yes hopefully 




EleGirl said:


> Is your nanny full time? Can you rely more on her? That way you could spend more time taking care of yourself.


No she's not but i might be able to



EleGirl said:


> So it sounds like you and your husband don't have much of a relationship if you only spend time together once in a while. Is that right?
> 
> How is your marriage over all?


Right, its surviving i guess


----------



## arbitrator

*Making a baby is certainly a "team project" and as such, so is it's raising!

I agree with your H: It takes two votes to not want that beautiful child!

To wit: Keep this precious baby, but shortly after its birth, go get your tubes tied or have your hubby undergo an immediate vasectomy!*


----------



## EleGirl

Snowflakes said:


> Right, its surviving i guess


So your marriage is "surviving" meaning that it's not all that good.

Why don't you and your husband get much time together, just the two of you? 

About how much time is he home each week? 

How many hours a week do you have a nanny to help you?

Do you do all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc?


----------



## 2ntnuf

This is all very sad. It touched my heart. I've got a few questions and comments. Take them for what they are worth. Hopefully, they will get you to think and start to act. Sounds like you have simply been the baby maker and you and your husband have been the overseers of the children. I honestly don't think you or your husband were ready for any of them. But, with such little information, it's tough to tell.

How much time do you spend doing quality things with your children. Who takes the seven year old to school and picks him/her up? 

How are they disciplined? Do you do it or do you leave it to someone else? Who do you leave it to, if that is the case?

What fun things does your oldest do in school that you have helped with? What did you do to help? 

Are there any school activities that you and your husband have gone to see? I guess I'm thinking of little plays or choir or some sort of Christmas or Holiday festivities. How did you help to prepare him/her for the activities? 

When the three year old gets out of hand, what do you say/do?

How often do the children get out of hand and drive you crazy? What is it they do to make you so miserable? 

Do you make dinner or does someone else? What do you make? 

How about lunches for the children? What do you do for lunch for the seven year old? What do you do for lunch for the three year old? 

Lots of questions. I'm just trying to get a picture of what is going on.




Snowflakes said:


> I had bad things going on back then, i was really really stressed and unable to focus on my own health so when i was 28 weeks pregnant i almost lost him.
> 
> I had PPD with my second baby im not sure how long it lasted
> 
> I do not think its the right time because my sons are taking all my time and also think two kids are enough i dont really see why my huaband still want more
> 
> Its so busy and loud because as we all know children love to play and being loud and careless is so much fun to them. To be honest, i have a nanny to help me most of the time since my husband is barely around he only shows a bit of help during the weekends otherwise its just me and the nanny who take care of them.
> 
> We only get that like once in a while since hes always busy with work and im taking care of the family
> 
> You could say once in a week





Snowflakes said:


> Yes hopefully
> 
> 
> 
> 
> No she's not but i might be able to
> 
> 
> 
> Right, its surviving i guess



Have you seen your doctor about your depression? Have you told her/him about how you are tired and don't look forward to each day? 

Have you talked with a psychologist about these issues? When was the last time? 

Are you on any medications for help with sleep? Do you sleep well any time? Do you smoke, drink or do any drugs not prescribed by a physician? 

Do you have friends you spend time with? How much time do you spend with them in a week? 

Tough questions. You don't have to answer. I felt obligated to understand where you are coming from, but I don't have to know. Thanks.


----------



## Snowflakes

EleGirl said:


> So your marriage is "surviving" meaning that it's not all that good.
> 
> Why don't you and your husband get much time together, just the two of you?
> 
> About how much time is he home each week?
> 
> How many hours a week do you have a nanny to help you?
> 
> Do you do all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc?


Well i dont really have a problem with that, i thinj we're fine well he comes back home late everynight so..

The nanny comes everyday except for the week end and stays from 8am till 7pm

I take care of Most of it yes


----------



## Snowflakes

2ntnuf said:


> How much time do you spend doing quality things with your children. Who takes the seven year old to school and picks him/her up?


All the possible time, i do



2ntnuf said:


> How are they disciplined? Do you do it or do you leave it to someone else? Who do you leave it to, if that is the case?


Depends really 



2ntnuf said:


> What fun things does your oldest do in school that you have helped with? What did you do to help?
> 
> Are there any school activities that you and your husband have gone to see? I guess I'm thinking of little plays or choir or some sort of Christmas or Holiday festivities. How did you help to prepare him/her for the activities?


We spent time helping him practice for the little play they had at school 



2ntnuf said:


> When the three year old gets out of hand, what do you say/do?
> 
> How often do the children get out of hand and drive you crazy? What is it they do to make you so miserable?


When the 3 yo gets out of hand i try to calm down and ask the nanny for help 
Same thing when they both get out of hand sometimes i lose it and let them do whatever they wish to do as long as it does not really harm them but other time i always ask for help



2ntnuf said:


> Do you make dinner or does someone else? What do you make?


Depends, sometimes i tend to make one of my first borns favourite food otherwise its something healthy i care about that a lot



2ntnuf said:


> How about lunches for the children? What do you do for lunch for the seven year old? What do you do for lunch for the three year old?


I dont prepare lunch for my 7yo on school days because he gets to have lunch at school but for the three years old as i said before its always something healthy, vegetables obviously play a huge part of it



2ntnuf said:


> Have you seen your doctor about your depression? Have you told her/him about how you are tired and don't look forward to each day?
> 
> Have you talked with a psychologist about these issues? When was the last time?
> 
> Are you on any medications for help with sleep? Do you sleep well any time? Do you smoke, drink or do any drugs not prescribed by a physician?


I dont really like psychologists or therapists they dont really help... no im not taking anything



2ntnuf said:


> Do you have friends you spend time with? How much time do you spend with them in a week?


Yes, once a week


----------



## 2ntnuf

Thank you.


----------



## barbados

Snowflakes said:


> he just said he wants to have the baby...
> i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...


were you on any form of birth control when you got pregnant ? i.e., is this a case where birth control failed to work, or were you having sex without using any birth control. And if so, why if you didin't want another child now ?


----------



## Snowflakes

barbados said:


> Snowflakes said:
> 
> 
> 
> he just said he wants to have the baby...
> i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...
> 
> 
> 
> were you on any form of birth control when you got pregnant ? i.e., is this a case where birth control failed to work, or were you having sex without using any birth control. And if so, why if you didin't want another child now ?
Click to expand...

You could say i was tricked he told me to stop taking the birth control pills because they arent safe and that he'd use condoms and i idiotically did but he didnt use condoms and here i am now simply fooled because he knew i wouldnt want that now but eh.... 
Im not mentally ready but i guess i have no choice


----------



## Spicy

-A full time nanny. (Monday thru Friday 8am to 7pm; one of the two kids in School all that time too!)

-Unprotected sex without a condom betweeen two married adults results in pregnancy...:surprise:
(If my husband was using a condom or not, I know it before he sticks it in, it's not like putting it on happens in another room in secret without your sexual partner knowing it! There's opening it, putting it on etc. If I have went off the pill, and this is the birth control WE AS A COUPLE are using, that d!ck wouldn't be in me without a condom if I don't want any more kids. I don't buy the "tricked" excuse when an innocent life is now at stake.)

-Wants to kill the baby because she's tired from not working and watching a nanny raise her 2 kids that are noisy.

-She depressed some of you say. Killing her child will help that?

This is BEYOND logic for me. I'm out.


----------



## TX-SC

It really should be a joint decision about the abortion. My thinking here is that even though it will be tiring, you will make it through and will learn to love the third child. But, I would only agree to do this if he agrees to a vasectomy. It seems like your husband tricked you into this and doesn't respect your wishes very well. That doesn't bode well for your marriage. Your husband really isn't much of a father. Yes, he works hard so you can raise the kids with the help of a nanny. But, children need a father figure in their life. He is failing in that regard. 

If you abort, you'll likely end up in a divorce. That certainly isn't a desirable situation, even if your husband doesn't act as a father should. I would see a doctor about your tiredness, look into having the nanny help more, and also look into whether you may still suffer from PPD. 

This will not be easy on you and may destroy your marriage in the end if you resent your husband over it. But, if you do have this child, make sure to love him as you do your other children. Relish the fun parts and trudge through the hard parts. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## TX-SC

One other option, you could consider daycare for your children instead of a nanny. You could get a job and work while they are in daycare. That would give you a chance to get away from family life a while each day. My wife and I both are professionals with full time jobs. We also have no family close by. So, that's what we did. Both of my children started daycare very young. They are both teenagers now and things worked out well. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## GhostSnow

Spicy said:


> A full time nanny.
> Unprotected sex without a condom betweeen two married adults results in pregnancy...:surprise:
> Wants to kill the baby because she's tired from not working and watching a nanny raise her 2 kids that are noisy.
> 
> I'm out.


Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.


----------



## GhostSnow

All i can tell you to do is to keep the baby and things would get better, i've been there before and decided to have an abortion but couldn't then when i had the baby things go so much better and now i love him so much and don't regret keeping him


----------



## 2ntnuf

GhostSnow said:


> Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.





> Marital Rape:
> 
> ". . . sexual acts committed without a person's consent and/or against a person's will when the perpetrator is the individual's current partner (married or not), previous partner, or co-habitator."
> 
> Marital Rape, Spousal Rape - HealthyPlace



Don't try to make it sound innocent. It isn't. If she consented, she would have stated that. She didn't. She was raped. She was not tricked. She needs an attorney and a psychoanalyst, not TAM.


----------



## Maricha75

Snowflakes said:


> You could say i was tricked he told me to stop taking the birth control pills because they arent safe and that he'd use condoms and i idiotically did but he didnt use condoms and here i am now simply fooled because he knew i wouldnt want that now but eh....
> Im not mentally ready but i guess i have no choice





GhostSnow said:


> Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.


Sort of tricked, not completely. From her post above, she believed he WOULD, but it appears she knew he DIDN'T. All it would have taken is a quick check to be sure it was on, or for her to put it on him. But, that didn't happen. Tricking, IMO, would have been him saying he got a vasectomy, but didn't... even going through the follow up actions, faking it... That didn't happen. The responsibility of ensuring that a condom was in place was equally his and hers. The only other way I could see it as him tricking her is if he put it on, showed her it was on, then slipped it off without her noticing. I don't get that impression from her post. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


----------



## Snowflakes

It is my fault indeed, i'm taking full responsibility of that and i guess i should just keep the baby.. Thanks a lot everyone that was helpful


----------



## GhostSnow

Snowflakes said:


> It is my fault indeed, i'm taking full responsibility of that and i guess i should just keep the baby.. Thanks a lot everyone that was helpful


please do not pressure your self to do something you don't really want to do no matter what the others are saying 
i personally still believe he must have done that without your permission which is a selfish thing to do honestly


----------



## Maricha75

2ntnuf said:


> Don't try to make it sound innocent. It isn't. If she consented, she would have stated that. She didn't. She was raped. She was not tricked. She needs an attorney and a psychoanalyst, not TAM.


I think you are reading a bit more into it than she has stated. She was the one who said "I guess you could say I was tricked". She never stat3d that he forced her to comply. She said he told her he would use condoms, but didn't. She could have refused to have sex if he tried without a condom. She, it appears, did not endure one was in place. He requested that she stop taking birth control pills, citing the toll they can (and in her case may very well have) take on the body. He approached that aspect, apparently, out of concern for her health. If he forced her to comply, I would agree that it would fall under the umbrella of rape. However, from her own posts, I am not so sure your assessment is correct.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy

GhostSnow said:


> Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.


I edited my reply above to clarify my stance.


----------



## Diana7

GhostSnow said:


> Well she already mentioned that she as tricked, her husband told her he was going to use a condom but he lied. Also, just because she has a nanny which isn't a fully time she said that, doesn't mean she can't be tired. what i can say after reading all this is that she might be depressed and still going through PPD so she's mentally unable to handle the presence of another child in her life.


She has said the nanny is there from 8am till 7 pm. That's 55 hours a week, how is that not full time??? Its much more than full time, equivalent to seven 8 hour days. 

As someone who bought up three children with no outside help at all(family or paid) and a husband who worked shifts and most weekends, its hard to imagine this senario being hard in anyway.


----------



## Diana7

2ntnuf said:


> Don't try to make it sound innocent. It isn't. If she consented, she would have stated that. She didn't. She was raped. She was not tricked. She needs an attorney and a psychoanalyst, not TAM.


Of course she wasn't raped. Good grief.


----------



## Diana7

GhostSnow said:


> All i can tell you to do is to keep the baby and things would get better, i've been there before and decided to have an abortion but couldn't then when i had the baby things go so much better and now i love him so much and don't regret keeping him


Most in that position feel that way.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Maricha75 said:


> I think you are reading a bit more into it than she has stated. She was the one who said "I guess you could say I was tricked". She never stat3d that he forced her to comply. She said he told her he would use condoms, but didn't. She could have refused to have sex if he tried without a condom. She, it appears, did not endure one was in place. He requested that she stop taking birth control pills, citing the toll they can (and in her case may very well have) take on the body. He approached that aspect, apparently, out of concern for her health. If he forced her to comply, I would agree that it would fall under the umbrella of rape. However, from her own posts, I am not so sure your assessment is correct.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


Read the law. It might change your mind. I left a link there. 

You don't have to have force involved for it to be rape under the law. If she agreed to have sex with him while he wore a condom, and he did not, which she states, it is considered rape, under the law. 

Yes, I did jump to conclusions, in a sense, to make a point to the member I quoted. That wasn't necessarily for GhostSnow(ooops, Snowflake or some kind of snow. Hey, the op. Too much snow on the brain. Sorry op). 



@Diana7, please read this post, too. You ladies want to play games with the law when it doesn't suit your purposes. 


She doesn't have to prosecute her husband. He did rape her, by law.


----------



## Maricha75

Snowflakes said:


> It is my fault indeed, i'm taking full responsibility of that and i guess i should just keep the baby.. Thanks a lot everyone that was helpful


I'm sorry if my post came across so harshly. What I meant was that you are EQUALLY responsible for ensuring that birth control is in place, not just you, not just him. He said he would use condoms. If he didn't buy them, you could have, to ensure they were available. Shoot, had you bought them, he would have known you were 100% serious about NOT wanting a baby at this time, and if he wasn't 100% on board with using them, go back on birth control. It would tell him that if he was unwilling to take care of birth control, you would do it.

But, hindsight is 20/20, of course. I do have strong feelings about abortion, but I cannot tell you what to do. No matter how I feel about it, it is not my decision to make. I do think you need to have a long talk with your husband about the baby, the children you already have, and changes that MUST be made now that you are expecting again... if you choose to have the baby. And, one of the changes... in your shoes, I would request that he get a vasectomy while you are pregnant. And, to be sure he actually has it done, I would inspect lol. Make sure he actually DID get it done, request to see the paperwork from the procedure, and all followup appointment receipts. 

I do wish you luck in this situation. I know how hard it is with an unexpected pregnancy... my third was unexpected, too. My middle child had just turned 1 year old when we learned I was pregnant again. I was still nursing her, and continued for another 5 months until she weaned herself. My youngest two are 20 months apart... and I got a tubal ligation when I had the youngest (scheduled c-section, since the other two had been c-section, as well).

If he is unwilling to get a vasectomy, then I suggest that you take your reproductive health into your own hands, whether pill, shots, iud, or tubal ligation. That way, he knows you absolutely do NOT want more children, and you are not letting him dictate your reproductive choices. 

I do wish you the best. Whether I agree with your choices or not is irrelevant. Right now, you need to figure out what is best for your family... and put your foot down regarding your husband's current lack of involvement with raising the kids.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


----------



## Snowflakes

I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.


It feels like an attack because you didn't realize it was rape under the law. 

You just figured he was being a jerk, and he was.

I get that you somehow didn't realize he wasn't using a condom until it was too late. Though, I find that horribly difficult to understand, I am a man, so it is possible I can't understand. I don't know what it's like to be a woman.

Help? Here it is. It is not illegal to have an abortion for whatever reason you decide, in the U.S. If you want to get one, the best place to go and decide is to a clinic which provides such services. 

If you are a religious believer and your faith says it should not be done for some reason, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor and talk with him/her. 

You may want to do both. 

So far, I didn't mention anything about the abortion. This post changes that. 

My stance on abortion doesn't matter. It's yours that matters, and your husband's.

If you don't talk to him first about this and get his opinions, you will certainly be leaving him out of an important decision. 

That will likely go badly, even if he sees your side of things. 

You need to talk with him about this condom thing and his promises. That's a big problem. He was wrong to do that to you. I don't care whether he wants another child or not. He was dead wrong.

I hope that helps you to feel better.


----------



## Maricha75

2ntnuf said:


> Read the law. It might change your mind. I left a link there.
> 
> You don't have to have force involved for it to be rape under the law. If she agreed to have sex with him while he wore a condom, and he did not, which she states, it is considered rape, under the law.
> 
> Yes, I did jump to conclusions, in a sense, to make a point to the member I quoted. That wasn't necessarily for GhostSnow(ooops, Snowflake or some kind of snow. Hey, the op. Too much snow on the brain. Sorry op).
> 
> 
> 
> @Diana7, please read this post, too. You ladies want to play games with the law when it doesn't suit your purposes.
> 
> 
> She doesn't have to prosecute her husband. He did rape her, by law.


I read the link. It doesn't fit. So, no, it doesn't change my mind, at all. But, thank you for sharing. It might help someone to whom it DOES apply.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy

You seem to understand this law.

One question- if a wife forgot or didn't take her birth control pill and got pregnant, can her husband charge her with raping him?




2ntnuf said:


> It feels like an attack because you didn't realize it was rape under the law.
> 
> You just figured he was being a jerk, and he was.
> 
> I get that you somehow didn't realize he wasn't using a condom until it was too late. Though, I find that horribly difficult to understand, I am a man, so it is possible I can't understand. I don't know what it's like to be a woman.
> 
> Help? Here it is. It is not illegal to have an abortion for whatever reason you decide, in the U.S. If you want to get one, the best place to go and decide is to a clinic which provides such services.
> 
> If you are a religious believer and your faith says it should not be done for some reason, then I'd suggest you go to your pastor and talk with him/her.
> 
> You may want to do both.
> 
> So far, I didn't mention anything about the abortion. This post changes that.
> 
> My stance on abortion doesn't matter. It's yours that matters, and your husband's.
> 
> If you don't talk to him first about this and get his opinions, you will certainly be leaving him out of an important decision.
> 
> That will likely go badly, even if he sees your side of things.
> 
> You need to talk with him about this condom thing and his promises. That's a big problem. He was wrong to do that to you. I don't care whether he wants another child or not. He was dead wrong.
> 
> I hope that helps you to feel better.


----------



## TX-SC

God forbid she actually TRUSTED her husband to do what he said he would (condom). Now it's her fault for not trusting the person she is married to? I don't believe this is rape, but I do believe he USED her to suit his own desires. He did so through deception. What part of that is her fault? What part of that is RIGHT? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow.. I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.


Yes, you do need help. You are obviously overwhelmed and exhausted in a situation that should not be exhausting at all. Don’t despair. There are things that you can do to get to the bottom of this to find what is causing your distress and how to resolve it.

You seem to feel powerless and that may have a lot to do with why you are overwhelmed. You are not powerless. There are things you can do to make your situation better.

You have said that you are exhausted from your last pregnancy and you had PPD. Are you still depressed?

You said that your boys can get out of hand. There are ways to teach them self-control. The earlier self-control is learned, the better. Yes children get loud and are energetic, but if they are out of control that is a different matter. There are ways to teach your children self-discipline that will make for a calmer, happier household.

Is your husband faithful to you?


----------



## Snowflakes

CynthiaDe said:


> Is your husband faithful to you?


i guess so


----------



## EleGirl

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not quite sure why it feels like you're attacking me somehow..


Some of the posters here are being harsh with you. That what happens on an open forum like this. Some people will empathize with you and try to find ways to help you. Some will see things only through their own life circumstance and be harsh. 

You need to ignore the harsh posts and take the input that makes sense to you. I have deleted some posts because they were harsh, judgmental, arguing the political issue of abortion and quite honestly provided you not helpful input. They were basically attacking post. Abortion is a very hot political issue. I will continue to monitor your thread so that it stays on track, giving you support and not harsh judgements. As a moderator, it can be hard to know when to draw that line. You can always report posts that you feel are attacking you. The reports go out to all moderators. Use the little triangular button on the lower left hand side of the offending post.




Snowflakes said:


> I never said he raped me, all i said was that he said he'd use a condom and i only realized that he didn't when it was too late so it's all my fault i guess for not paying attention or for trusting him. About the nanny thing, well it's true she's spending a lot of time with the boys but that doesn't mean i'm not spending time taking care of them.. i really don't know how to explain but anyway i apologize if that sounded selfish in anyway, i was lost and i really needed help with this situation.


It was someone else who brought up the legal issue of rape. You are right, you did not say that. But, people here love to argue points like that with other posters.

2ntnuf is right. That under the law, if he told you that he was going to use a condom and then did not it's rape. Had you called the police, he would have most likely been charged with rape. 

You did not sound selfish when you talked about the unprotected sex. Your husband abused your trust in what he did. 

To me, you sound overwhelmed. But I will talk about this in another post.


----------



## Cynthia

You are not sure that your husband is faithful? If you cannot answer this with assurance, there are things going on in your marriage that are likely part of the problems you are having in dealing with your pregnancy. Obviously your husband wanted another child and went about getting one in a way that causes you to not trust him to have your back. A significant part of marriage is doing life together. This requires having each other's backs and making decisions together. If you feel powerless in your marriage, that can cause all sorts of other problems making you feel like your life is out of control.

Even the title of your thread has helpless and powerless written all over it. I think the key to finding some area of power that you can start with and build from there. Not to overpower your husband, but to be on equal footing with him and able to have your needs met.

I'm glad that you have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and believe that you will be glad that you did, but in the meantime, I recommend you develop a real understanding of what is causing your distress and how you can resolve it so that you no longer feel exhausted, but you feel energetic and happy.


----------



## EleGirl

Snowflakes said:


> i guess so


How many hours a week does your husband work? He seems to work a LOT of hours. 

If you don't mind my asking, what kind of work does he do?

Do you have access to the bill for his cell phone?


----------



## Snowflakes

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week does your husband work? He seems to work a LOT of hours.
> 
> If you don't mind my asking, what kind of work does he do?
> 
> Do you have access to the bill for his cell phone?


He just spends most of his time out i only get to see him in the morning and late at night and he also travels a lot so.. he's a businessman so i guess it's just that he's so focused on work or maybe.. i don't know... 

No i don't ?


----------



## EleGirl

CynthiaDe said:


> Yes, you do need help. You are obviously overwhelmed and exhausted in a situation that should not be exhausting at all. Don’t despair. There are things that you can do to get to the bottom of this to find what is causing your distress and how to resolve it.
> 
> You seem to feel powerless and that may have a lot to do with why you are overwhelmed. You are not powerless. There are things you can do to make your situation better.
> 
> You have said that you are exhausted from your last pregnancy and you had PPD. Are you still depressed?
> 
> You said that your boys can get out of hand. There are ways to teach them self-control. The earlier self-control is learned, the better. Yes children get loud and are energetic, but if they are out of control that is a different matter. There are ways to teach your children self-discipline that will make for a calmer, happier household.
> 
> Is your husband faithful to you?


Snow, I quoted this post because it expresses what I see in your posts here. So forgive me, but I have more questions for you.

How old are you and your husband?

You seem unable to handle a pretty normal small family. You seem frazzled and depressed. In all kindness, there seems to be something wrong.

I think you feel trapped, does this pregnancy make you feel trapped?

You seem to be fragile emotionally. Did you find things in life this difficult before you had children? Did you find being a mother as difficult after your first child? Or did all of this start with your second child.

Before you married, and then before you had children, did you have a job/career? If so how did you handle those? Was it difficult?

Some women love being stay-at-home-moms (SAHM) and they thrive. Some women do not. There is nothing wrong with being one of the women who do not do well as a SAHM. Do you think you would do better emotionally if you worked outside the home?


----------



## EleGirl

Snowflakes said:


> He just spends most of his time out i only get to see him in the morning and late at night and he also travels a lot so.. he's a businessman so i guess it's just that he's so focused on work or maybe.. i don't know...
> 
> No i don't ?


Do you have access to any of the bills for your household?

Do you have access to money?

If you had access to his cell phone bill, I was going to say that you might want to check his calls and see if there is a number that he communicates with often. With what you are saying about him, I would not be surprised at all if he was cheating on you. He has all the time in the world to do whatever he wants.

He also spends very little time with you. In healthy relationship, a couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, without kids, without friends/family, etc. And these hours need to be quality time doing date-like things that you both enjoy. It sounds like the two of you don't get much, if any, of this.


----------



## Red Sonja

Personal said:


> @Red Sonja I'm not doing what you claim.


I know, I was talking about 2 or so others on this thread who seem to lose their empathy when someone mentions the word abortion.


----------



## Snowflakes

EleGirl said:


> How old are you and your husband?


i'm 30 he's 32



EleGirl said:


> I think you feel trapped, does this pregnancy make you feel trapped?
> 
> You seem to be fragile emotionally. Did you find things in life this difficult before you had children? Did you find being a mother as difficult after your first child? Or did all of this start with your second child.


I do maybe... it all started after having my second child



EleGirl said:


> Before you married, and then before you had children, did you have a job/career? If so how did you handle those? Was it difficult?


i did work till i had my second baby, i went through some problems with my husband over a co-worker so i had to quit 



EleGirl said:


> Do you have access to any of the bills for your household?
> 
> Do you have access to money?
> 
> If you had access to his cell phone bill, I was going to say that you might want to check his calls and see if there is a number that he communicates with often. With what you are saying about him, I would not be surprised at all if he was cheating on you. He has all the time in the world to do whatever he wants.
> 
> He also spends very little time with you. In healthy relationship, a couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, without kids, without friends/family, etc. And these hours need to be quality time doing date-like things that you both enjoy. It sounds like the two of you don't get much, if any, of this.


i think i'm going to stick to what you said.. it might be true you're right thanks tho


----------



## Cynthia

I think we're getting somewhere.
What happened with the coworker?
Did you quit while you were pregnant or when you had the baby?


----------



## GhostSnow

EleGirl said:


> Do you have access to any of the bills for your household?
> 
> Do you have access to money?
> 
> If you had access to his cell phone bill, I was going to say that you might want to check his calls and see if there is a number that he communicates with often. With what you are saying about him, I would not be surprised at all if he was cheating on you. He has all the time in the world to do whatever he wants.
> 
> He also spends very little time with you. In healthy relationship, a couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, without kids, without friends/family, etc. And these hours need to be quality time doing date-like things that you both enjoy. It sounds like the two of you don't get much, if any, of this.


I don't think it's the right thing to do now, making her overthink about the possibility that her husband might be cheating on her


----------



## 2ntnuf

Snowflakes, 

You haven't done anything wrong. Please think about this. You talked with him and he agreed to the terms. He broke his word with you. 

That's part of why folks are asking about infidelity. He seems uncaring. 

Whatever you choose to do is your decision. It's no one's business, but yours. If you can get past the initial barrage of questions and arguments, you will find these ladies helpful. 

You can always come back later, after you have thought about things a while. We can't really pressure you more than you allow us. All you have to do is leave. 

If you want this thread deleted, a moderator can do it for you. I'd give it another chance, though. 

You have little to lose. We don't know you. This is an anonymous forum.


----------



## Snowflakes

CynthiaDe said:


> I think we're getting somewhere.
> What happened with the coworker?
> Did you quit while you were pregnant or when you had the baby?


he was getting to flirty with me, he'd call me in the middle of the night and start talking sexual, he got too touchy with me even thought i was pregnant so when my husband found out he told quit 
i did while i was pregnant


----------



## Cynthia

Snowflakes said:


> he was getting to flirty with me, he'd call me in the middle of the night and start talking sexual, he got too touchy with me even thought i was pregnant so when my husband found out he told quit
> i did while i was pregnant


How far along were you? 
I find it interesting that your husband made you quit rather than dealing directly and appropriately with a man who was harassing you. Did your husband blame you for the man's unwanted advances?
How did you feel when you were made to quit over something that wasn't your fault?
I'm wondering if your PPD was really not childbirth related, but was due to the trauma over being harassed, then forced to quit.


----------



## uhtred

This is a terrible position for the OP to be in. 

In the end, I would say that one should never bring an unwanted child into the world and that to me takes precedence over everything else. Other people will have other strongly held positions.

What causes me to feel more strongly this way is that her husbands actions are consistent with an attempt to trick her into getting pregnant. If that is true, it was a despicable thing to do and in my opinion invalidates any of his wishes in the matter. She might not have known he had a condom, but he sure did. Considering that breech of trust, she should never have sex with him again.


----------



## Snowflakes

CynthiaDe said:


> How far along were you?
> I find it interesting that your husband made you quit rather than dealing directly and appropriately with a man who was harassing you. Did your husband blame you for the man's unwanted advances?
> How did you feel when you were made to quit over something that wasn't your fault?
> I'm wondering if your PPD was really not childbirth related, but was due to the trauma over being harassed, then forced to quit.


no i mean they really got into a big fight over that and i then he did blame me for a short time before just realizing that it isn't my fault.. i really didn't want to quit but again i had no choice, my marriage nearly reached its end over that so i had to save it. 
i really don't know...


----------



## Prodigal

After I read this entire thread, it struck me that this about far more than not wanting a third child. Your husband is gone much of the time. Do you feel neglected? Does he interact with the children when he's at home? Also, you sound very depressed. If you decide to continue the pregnancy, antidepressant medication wouldn't be permitted (as far as I know). But how about seeing a therapist and talking about all the things that are bothering you? Even with a nanny, it sounds like you are a wife without a husband much of the time and the kids are without a father. If I'm incorrect in my stance, please correct me.


----------



## EleGirl

Diana7 said:


> Good grief, so every man who works hard for his family must be cheating?What a terrible thing to say.


Him working hard is not the issue. There are other issues and people are trying to figure out what's going in their marriage.

You have already gotten two warnings about arguing with other members in stead of addressing the OP directly.


----------



## Cynthia

Snowflakes said:


> no i mean they really got into a big fight over that and i then he did blame me for a short time before just realizing that it isn't my fault.. i really didn't want to quit but again i had no choice, my marriage nearly reached its end over that so i had to save it.
> i really don't know...


I'm sorry. That sounds like you were terribly mistreated and ended up being the one who paid the price. 

How do you feel about going back to work now at a different job?


----------



## EleGirl

Please check your private messages (PMs).


----------



## 1111volcano

Keep it. What if it's a girl?

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk


----------



## Snowflakes

I will keep it i guess i have no choice


----------



## 2ntnuf

Snowflakes, 

How are you doing? Are you feeling any better? 

Have you talked with your husband at all about your feelings on this pregnancy, since the last time?


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Snowflakes

2ntnuf said:


> Snowflakes,
> 
> How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
> 
> Have you talked with your husband at all about your feelings on this pregnancy, since the last time?


Better actually thanks.
Yes, and all i got was "I understand and I'm sorry that i can't be around that much but you have to keep the baby i wont allow you to just go and kill him or her"
Its just not working


----------



## Snowflakes

Miss Independent said:


> Snowflakes said:
> 
> 
> 
> I will keep it i guess i have no choice
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Why do you keep saying you don't have a choice?
Click to expand...

Because if i go for an abortion i might ruin my marriage also a lot of people like family and close friends told me to keep the baby. So obviously i have no choice


----------



## Cynthia

Snowflakes said:


> I will keep it i guess i have no choice


If you can begin to frame this differently in your mind, it will help you and your child. If you view this child as a burden now, you may always feel that you were tricked into having this child and it could severely impact your relationship with him/her. I know you don't want that to happen.

In the meantime, I suggest that you continue working to get to the bottom of your feelings of being overwhelmed and how you can resolve that so your life will be peaceful and productive. We will do what we can to help you by asking questions, answering your questions, and recommending resources.


----------



## Maricha75

Snowflakes said:


> Better actually thanks.
> Yes, and all i got was "I understand and I'm sorry that i can't be around that much but you have to keep the baby i wont allow you to just go and kill him or her"
> Its just not working


Snowflakes, please don't take this as an attack, as it most definitely is NOT meant that way. You are a pretty timid woman, aren't you? I ask this because you seem to feel defeated at every turn, and even your response about how talking with your husband went... Did you respond to his "I'm sorry that I can't be around that much"? I know I voiced my opinion on abortion, and I recognize that my opinion on the subject does not help your specific situation. But, when your husband came up with that half-assed apology, that was the PERFECT opportunity to tell him, point blank, that if he truly feels that way, then he needs to MAKE time for the family. There is a song I absolutely love, by Sanctus Real. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I do want to put a disclaimer. The song is a Christian song, entitled "Lead Me". I think there can be a lot applied with that song, in the sense of an essentially absent father. Sure, he is there sometimes, but you often feel like you are doing this alone, right? I mean, it's nice that you have the nanny, but you pretty much feel like you are a single mom, most of the time? Tell him that. And when he comes back with that same apology, tell him that words aren't the answer. You need your HUSBAND, not just some words to try to placate you. And TELL him that while the nanny is nice, your kids need their FATHER to be present. Tbh, Snowflakes, I am angry FOR you in this predicament. 

I do agree that with your baby, you need to adjust your thinking, if you do decide to keep him or her. By that, I mean no more "I guess I have no choice". Yea, I do understand the surprise aspect. My daughter was a year old and still nursing when... SURPRISE! Little brother was coming 9 months later lol. So, I get it. But, if my husband wasn't around/available... if he was MIA as much as you have stated your husband is? Well, you have seen how hot-headed I can be. I absolutely would have told him that he WOULD be taking a more active role with the kids, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Yea, that's the woman he married, so he knew what he was getting into. But, seriously, if you haven't had THAT talk with him, you need to. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


----------



## WonkyNinja

Snowflakes said:


> He just spends most of his time out i only get to see him in the morning and late at night and he also travels a lot so.. he's a businessman so i guess it's just that he's so focused on work or maybe.. i don't know...


"A businessman" is pretty generic. Is there something specific that is more important than his family? 

This isn't intended to sound insulting but do you actually know what he does and where he goes? You have a right to.

It sounds like he needs to make a choice between job and family here, and not spending time at home while declaring that you must keep a child that he knowingly created against your wishes isn't a choice.

I know that some jobs involve a lot of travel but the responsibility is then on that person to make the best of their family time at home.



Snowflakes said:


> Better actually thanks.
> Yes, and all i got was "I understand and I'm sorry that i can't be around that much but you have to keep the baby* i wont allow you* to just go and kill him or her"
> Its just not working


That isn't a phrase used in a healthy relationship.



Snowflakes said:


> Because if i go for an abortion i might ruin my marriage also a lot of people like family and close friends told me to keep the baby. So obviously i have no choice


It's your body and you do have a choice, your family and friends can give you their opinions but they don't tell you what you must do. What you do is your decision.


----------



## Mollymolz

This same situation happened to me. We kept the baby which made three kids for us. We love them all. I got pregnant again and this time had an abortion around Christmas. 4 kids would have killed us. You need to make the right choice for you. Three kids has pushed me to the brinks of sanity. I love them all so much, but I am also tired. What ever you decide it is the right decision. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise 

Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz

Snowflakes said:


> he just said he wants to have the baby...
> i do understand all of that "killing your child" thing, i mean the baby is a part of me, a part of my soul but i'm really tired with the kids and i'm not sure it's the right time to have another one right now... you could say i'm somehow exhausted from giving birth i need some more time.. please don't say i'm selfish...


You are NOT selfish. 

Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


----------



## reesespieces

I think you know have received all the input you will be able to get, OP. People are going to disagree or agree with your decision(s), but at the end of the day you need to make one and stand by it.


----------



## xxxSHxYZxxx

Personal said:


> It's your body and your choice, if you want to have an abortion do exactly that.


It may be her body but it's their kid. 

Why should men have no reproductive rights?



Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> It may be her body but it's their kid.
> 
> Why should men have no reproductive rights?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


I agree, it's a baby we are talking about. Their baby. It's not about our selfish 'rights'.


----------



## katiecrna

You do have a choice. Stop feeling pushed into every decision in your life. That is exhausting and feeling like you have no control of choice in your life is mentally unhealthy. You can't just "go along" with life. It's your life and you have control of it. 

Have the baby or don't have the baby. Whatever you do make a choice and be decisive. 

There is something deeper in your post imo. It's a sadness and an unhappiness in the life your living. This is your life. You need to take control of it and try to make every situation good and positive. What you want matters. What you think matters. Start living like it. Don't wait for everyone to agree with you. Don't be a push over. Have the baby, and start living the way you want to. Life can be great if you let it be.


----------



## Remee81

I haven't read all of the other replies so sorry if I am repetitive here.
I only had one planned pregnancy and it was my second. I flipped at 20 when I found out I was pregnant but made it work. Now, onto child number three, what a disaster! I had just left my first husband, had a ten month old girl still on the breast, started seeing my previous (a couple times) and now husband. My milk dried up and I thought I had the stomach flu...nope lil Nate was in there! I was pissed, scared, and tired. I kept him obviously, but broke up with my now husband for a year because he didn't pull out like he was supposed to, and I got knocked up. So now we have two boys four months apart. We managed. I managed. I was tired. I was angry until I saw his lil face, then I've been over the moon ever since. I couldn't imagine life with out lil dude. He's my tiny twin of my dad, freckles and strawberry hair. He's ten and I still tuck him in with his penguie and alligator and I kiss on the forehead. 
My point is u never know! I thought I was going to be miserable, and I can't imagine life without him. 
I also hate to say this will cause a major rift in your marriage most likely if u do abort. Resentment sucks, I know. Try and get some extra support from ur family, after all, they r pushing u to keep it!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

The OP is banned.

Can a moderator close this thread?
@farsidejunky @MattMatt @EleGirl


----------

