# We Need Serious Help with this problem!



## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

My wife and I made some pretty bad mistakes resulting in a separation (she is the one that wanted originally to leave) but after a grueling couple of months, she decided to contact 3 Rivers Mental Health Solutions in order to get in touch with her previous case manager asking if we could talk about getting back together. Her current residence is at J's Place (will not give street address, phone number, or her name for her own privacy.) Now she wants to go back home with me and even shows public affection signs, but they want to keep her there for another three months and it seems the groups they are puting her in seem to be about letting go of relationships. As of recent times, we just want to reconcil, not divorce because we miss each other and we really want get it right this time. I have been diagnosed with PDD/NOS and she has been diagnosed with schizzo-affective disorder, epilepsy, and cerebral palsey. We still love each other. Please help, she told me she just wants to go home. another note: she also told me that the group she was told to last go to pressured her to build walls between us and ask to be just friends and that she would rather be romantic with me. I told her to follow her heart, but I really do not know what to do here about the her being stuck in a group home against her will. what can I tell her to help her here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should take your real name out of that post. Do you really want anyone who searches your name on the internet to read this and know that it's you posting here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she is not court ordered to be there, she can leave at any time. 

A mental health facility should not be telling a person to leave their spouse. Such decisions are up to the individual.

However, she has some pretty serious mental health issues. Can she really function on her own?


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If she is not court ordered to be there, she can leave at any time.
> 
> A mental health facility should not be telling a person to leave their spouse. Such decisions are up to the individual.
> 
> However, she has some pretty serious mental health issues. Can she really function on her own?


The marriage worked fine in the beginning as long as we worked as a team (we even had to act as married during the courtship for even that to work). As for function on her own, that is a very interesting question. This is where we start looking at the complexity of of the relationship. If she remains married, she can be semi-independant because her spouse satisfies needs that allow her some level of freedom, if she divorces, she would need a Personal Care Attendant.

p.s. by act as married, I mean, romance, teamwork, acting as close friends do, the showering help turned into romantic showering and brought sex into the relationship, sleeping in the same bed, doing chores together, the list goes on.

In other words, I had to choose between marrying her and leaving her. There was nothing normal about the relationship other than the attraction that became love (and the kissing, hand holding, etc) Sure, delusions do happen with her, but they usually don't interfere with her life, when she has them, I just tell her that I believe that she believes them and leave it at that, as for seizures, I just simply look for the signs and stay at her side. sometimes cuddling makes them less likely to happen, and as for the CP, see above, I have to practically get intimate close to satisfy her bathing needs, i.e. she cannot reach her back and I do a much better job cleaning her private areas than even P.C.A.s do oddly enough. In return she chooses to get my back clean.

pcas entering the picture to lighten the load actually caused the downward spiral in the marriage originally because first of all, they started bathing her, making her less happy and causing the sex to die in the relationship and the chores got taken over by them causing us to do much less together resulting in the marriage going cold.

now my wife says she doesnt want the personal care attendants around the home anymore, she wants to shower with me and she wants to be doing the chores together with me again because she was happier with that period of time. we even agreed that because she knows how to use oven bake clay that she can work with the stove and I can work with the range top and do the stirring since that is an area I am better at. She decided to sweep when I use the dust pan since she is better at sweeping and can't use the dust pan.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not address why she does not just leave.


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You did not address why she does not just leave.


are you asking about the group home or about leaving the marriage? she does not leave the marriage because she decided she wants to reconcil as for the group home, I guess she feels trapped but I will ask.

Oh, and I believe she went from a voluntary commit to Providence St. Patrick's Hospital NBMI to the group home directly from what I heard (thus no court order)

Oh and 3 Rivers staff say that it would be fine for her to be back here as long as she and I return to marriage counsoling. We are fine with that. The problem, J's place is owned by Winds of Change Mental Health Center, not the same parent company as her case manager works for.

Edit: there may be a chance if I can talk to the 3 rivers CEO, the marriage counsoler herself, or the case management manager of 3 rivers about the problem because they are all 3 MHP's and work for the same company (3 rivers mental health solutions) that her case manager works for.

I am sure based on what you told me that any of those 3 will likely as that same question: "if she wants to leave j's place, why not just leave" or they would tell me that they would need to talk to her, so I will tell her what you just said about if there is no court order, then j's place can't keep her there against her will as you told me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes talk to her about that. Perhaps she feels safer where she is at?

How often do you visit her?

Also you need to remove the names of her counselors. It's best to not use anyone's real name on internet forums. They did not ask to have their names put on a public forum so it's best no to.


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

the 2 I named are actually admins, not counselors, they are actually admins. You can already find their credentials on the 3 rivers site, the counselor herself, I did not give the name. Oh, and I told her about it, and the staff of the group home decided to have an admin work with her on discharge on monday. Oddly she did not know about whether or not they could keep her there against her will and that is why she stayed so long, so monday is the release day more than likely.

Oh and I see her as often as she wants me to see her and if she asks me to leave, I leave, though she only has me leave when she goes to bed. Otherwise we do things together and she is an even better kisser than she was during the entire marriage. I usually call in advance and if she wants to see me, I show up (usually she does and is waiting at a very specific table in the dining area) today I found that though she still slips up a little, she is at least trying to show she has changed. i.e. she had an anger blow-up over an imperfection she made today when I was teaching her a new art technique and tried to pressure me to hit her as a punishment for her imperfection, but I calmly told her that that would be abuse if I did and that abuse was not okay.

Oh and she told me that she feels that some of the staff are very controlling.


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## kramlat (Aug 17, 2013)

*She's back*

First of all she has been back for a few days and I was a witness to the very thing she feared at the group home. I had a community based rehab & support member with me to visit that day to see someone act like a jerk and scream at my wife about showering. She (my wife, not the jerk) told the R&S person she wanted to walk out, so we did and now the big problem is getting back her stuff and moving her service back to 3 rivers from winds of change.

My wife says "I'm glad to be out of there, it felt like prison"


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