# Negative Husband



## Cat Lady

Hi all, I am seeking input about being married to a negative person. I've been going through a lot the past couple years (mom died a slow death, dad not handling it well, son issues, small health issues like high BP nothing serious, husband had skin cancer he's fine now, you know the usual) and have decided I want to remove as much negativity from my life as I can. Problem is, hubby is a 'glass half empty' kind of person, who also has a super hard time dealing with crises. Big ones he's ok with, but little things are very difficult for him. Over the years I've learned how to deal with it, and it's never been a dealbreaker for me, but it does cause me undue stress which I would rather not have.

An example is last night. He was late getting home from work. I'd had a pleasant day working in my garden and was relaxing before getting dinner on. He burst though the door, stalked into the house, grabbed the BBQ lighter and stalked outside, all so fast I didn't say anything. When he came back in I asked what was going on, in my usual careful way because I know the wrong tone of voice or words are like dynamite especially if he's in a mood. He was very agitated. I don't recall his exact words but it was about being late and there being SO much to do (It's been a late spring and we are a bit behind with getting our spring outside work done). I agreed with him but asked him to settle down and try to relax. Big mistake - this further agitated him. At this point maybe I should have disengaged and just let him continue banging stuff around, slamming doors and generally acting like a 3 year old, but I called him on it. Things just went downhill from there. I ended up sitting outside by myself on the opposite side of the house after supper while he did a bunch of stuff in the yard.

Anyway, my question is whether anyone else has a negative spouse, and what do you find works to either de escalate them, and/or to de stress yourself? I got a really lousy sleep like I always do when this happens. I am on two meds, one for BP and one for sleep and anxiety. The anxiety one is new and it is really helping, and I don't want to eventually end my marriage over this, but as I age it almost seems like I am maturing and he is not.


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ

Hey Cat lady

I just read your story and I kinda can relate a lil bit . Maybe you should try writing him a letter or text asking him what's going on with him . I do this with my husband when I find it hard to verbly communicate with him I really pray that this helps you it works for me and my husband but it may not work for everyone I pray you have a blessed day and stay strong .


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## Cat Lady

MRS.SEXYTAZ said:


> Hey Cat lady
> 
> I just read your story and I kinda can relate a lil bit . Maybe you should try writing him a letter or text asking him what's going on with him . I do this with my husband when I find it hard to verbly communicate with him I really pray that this helps you it works for me and my husband but it may not work for everyone I pray you have a blessed day and stay strong .


Thank you, that is an excellent idea. I used to write letters to him early in our relationship but that stopped somewhere along the way.


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## Blondilocks

As you've learned, never tell an angry person to calm down or settle down - it just pisses them off more. You can either ignore them and go on with what you were doing or ask them if they would like their favorite beverage and unwind before tackling that never-ending chore list.


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## TJW

Cat Lady said:


> Anyway, my question is whether anyone else has a negative spouse, and what do you find works to either de escalate them, and/or to de stress yourself?


There is absolutely nothing, but nothing, which "works" to de-escalate them. In fact, there is absolutely nothing you can do which will change another person, in any way. That person has to want to change for him/herself.

To de-stress yourself is the question. There would almost certainly be a conflict raised between her and I if I argued my point. It is pointless, the only thing it does is make me upset that I have to listen to the downer 50 times a day. The only thing that would happen is that there would be 50 points of conflict.

I take drugs.



Cat Lady said:


> as I age it almost seems like I am maturing and he is not.


People emotionally mature at different rates. And some people's maturity becomes permanently asymptotic to that of a 15-year old.


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## alte Dame

It's hard when you've had a nice day and your spouse ruins it with a bad mood. It's also hard to have a stressful day at work and not be able to express that at home without being told to 'settle down.'

It's understandable that his behavior bothered you. It's also possible that your reaction bothered him.

Did you two even talk about it?


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## cc48kel

I can relate as I live with one. And last night I did not sleep well because yesterday was a lot of stress. I have tried to talk with him numerous times which he is in denial, I have emailed him and sent articles to read and nothing changes. He says I have the problem-- I agree, I have allowed this behavior for too long. He too cannot handle everyday life and needs a mom to 'calm' him everyday. My son is 15 and asked why dad acts like a 10 yr mostly. My other son is 17 and both are so much more mature than their dad. 

My mom has reminded me to take care of myself because stress causes more problems!!! I'm doing the best I can with the boys, I exercise and eat right. I'm going on a getaway to visit my sister for about 4 days-- This should be fun! I also started seeing a therapist for myself. He is very angry about what I do for myself but I let him know for the millionth time that I'm frustrated. And until he gets the help he needs (aniexty-ADHD) for his anger, I'm going to do what I need to do. Your BP could be from him and also the anxiety. I know that the older I get, I don't want to be around him. It tough!!!


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## aquarius1

Unfortunately we can not control the responses of others, only ourselves. People will only change when they want to. 
I guess the part that stuck out to me was that you had a “pleasant and relaxing day” while his day appears to have been more high stress. While I am not blaming you, I am acknowledging that you appear more relaxed and engage in more relaxation than he does. You are expecting him to be like you, and he is not. Rather than trying to “help” or change him and thereby frustrate both of you, just walk away and leave him alone. Let him learn to soothe himself. Detach yourself, stop trying to fix or leave him. If he tries to engage you negatively, just answer in a cool manner. He’s an adult. Many adults have ADHD or anger or anxiety. We have to learn to do what works for us and we can’t learn if everyone is trying to tell us how to get fixed up. It makes us resentful. I know that you are trying to lovingly help but truly the message you are sending is “you are truly incapable of taking care of yourself” back off. Live your life. You may find that your anxiety lessons too. And learn to meditate. Works wonders in helping you detach.


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## m00nman

My wife is such a person. I'm getting tired of walking on eggshells. I've found there's no talking about what bothering her unless she's willing to talk. If I initiate any type of conversation when she's engaged in one of her decompression rituals I'm more than likely to get two barrels right in the chest. 

What really sucks is when she NEVER talks to me about it - or worse, talks to one of her friends or family and still refuses to talk to me about it. I've been scratching my head for years now about why I seem to be getting ghosted a lot of the time only to have things aired out in front of friends and family that something about me is bothering her. That's just dirty pool IMO.


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## StarFires

Sounds like he needs to see a doctor and get some of the anxiety drugs you are taking.


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## aquarius1

m00nman said:


> My wife is such a person. I'm getting tired of walking on eggshells. I've found there's no talking about what bothering her unless she's willing to talk. If I initiate any type of conversation when she's engaged in one of her decompression rituals I'm more than likely to get two barrels right in the chest.
> 
> What really sucks is when she NEVER talks to me about it - or worse, talks to one of her friends or family and still refuses to talk to me about it. I've been scratching my head for years now about why I seem to be getting ghosted a lot of the time only to have things aired out in front of friends and family that something about me is bothering her. That's just dirty pool IMO.


Sometimes our partners are the last people that we want to talk to about certain things, even if it involves them. 
Or maybe there are others that say the things that help soothe her better. 
Sometimes men try to offer solutions, suggestions on how to fix the situation. When all we really want is for someone to just listen, let us cry or rant or whatever. 
Sometimes when we talk to our partner they go into defensive mode and the point is lost.
While I don't agree with her airing things with family, girlfriends are often a source of great support and strength. After we get a few opinions we do what we think is best anyways. 
I do agree that she should talk to you about things that involve you, but I've found that sometimes the issues are so emotionally charged that it always devolves into arguing and nothing gets solved.
As someone suggested. What about talking over text? I learned from TAM and have found it a good way to communicating without the emotion.


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## Talk2Me

My ex wife was like this and prob. the main reason I divorced her. I got sick and tired of always walking on eggshells. Ways to de-escalate the issue? UGH keep quiet. No matter what you say it will just piss him off more. Good luck


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Is this over and over? Is he always like this or over and over?

I caught he handles big crisis well, seems to be a responsible husband and father.

What else is going on?


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## Inside_Looking_Out

In dealing with people like this...my husband, family members, etc., I say the words, "You seem like you are having a hard day (time, problem, so on). I would like to take some of the pressure off, if I can. How can I best help you?" 

There is 'almost' no way for the other person to be angry with that. It shows: 
--that I see their pain and frustration
--that I want to help in a non-judgmental way
--that I am not trying to tell them how they SHOULD handle it, but rather the way THEY want to handle it 
--that they have the ability and responsibility to get help with their problem

If they do not want help, I am no longer obligated to be there for them, or to let it ruin my day. All the responsibility is on them at that point. I am free to sit down and watch them throw their little temper tantrum, or to go somewhere else and enjoy the rest of my day. And there is the chance they will later on think about what was offered to them and realize their reaction was pretty ridiculous. They might not tell you about that revelation always though.


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## m00nman

aquarius1 said:


> Sometimes our partners are the last people that we want to talk to about certain things, even if it involves them.
> Or maybe there are others that say the things that help soothe her better.
> Sometimes men try to offer solutions, suggestions on how to fix the situation. When all we really want is for someone to just listen, let us cry or rant or whatever.
> Sometimes when we talk to our partner they go into defensive mode and the point is lost.
> While I don't agree with her airing things with family, girlfriends are often a source of great support and strength. After we get a few opinions we do what we think is best anyways.
> I do agree that she should talk to you about things that involve you, but I've found that sometimes the issues are so emotionally charged that it always devolves into arguing and nothing gets solved.
> As someone suggested. What about talking over text? I learned from TAM and have found it a good way to communicating without the emotion.


I could see texting as a way of breaking the ice and inviting your SO for a face to face conversation but I really don't think that it's a sustainable form of meaningful face to face communication with no distractions.


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## personofinterest

Here is something very important to remember. It took me YEARS to figure this out:

He may have legitimate stress. He may have had a horrible day. He may have real reasons to be on edge.

IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO CUSHION HIM OR ABSORB HIS STRESS. Read that again. YOU should not have to absorb his irritation about traffic or whatever made him late. It is not your job to be the scapegoat for his frustrations. It is also not the job of your pots, pans, and cupboards.

He is an adult. Adults learn to practice self control. Full stop. If he is irritated when he gets home, HIS job is to say "I've had a crappy day and need to decompress awhile." Or to call you and say, "Today was rough, so I'm going to stop by them gym and work off some steam."

It also doesn't matter if your day was good and his bad. It isn't your job to tiptoe and try to appease him.

When he is like that again, I would tell him you are sorry he had a rough day. That you are going for a walk while he gets it out of his system. Do not be present for his temper tantrums.


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