# Deciding to move forward but trapped in mental scenarios of his emotional affair … how to trust and let go



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

I have made peace with the fact that I want to work this relationship out. The past few weeks have actually been very good and we are learning to reconnect in a much better level.
But I keep running so many scenarios in my mind about what he did. Even though it was more of an emotional affair/flirting online type of situation it’s still doesn’t illuminate my wondering of what conversations how often all the scenarios keep boggling my mind and I just can’t seem to get rid of it.
I woke up today feeling so anxious and having palpitations because of anxiety I am making myself sick rehashing scenarios in my mind. I fully know this isn’t going to do me any good but I don’t know how else I can actually let go of it and stop obsessing over what happened what didn’t happen and everything in between
How can you consciously stop thinking about it and just focus on the moving on?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You can't...that's part of what you need to make peace with if you've decided to stick around.

It may lessen in time if you get what you need from him, but most cheaters are too selfish to actually give you what you need. And since you now know what he's capable of things will never be the same so you have to live with that too.

I felt exactly like you describe after I found out about my ex keeping his ex gf around. I never had proof that it was physical though I believe it likely was. At first I figured we'd try, but as time went on and he was a nasty prick to me I realized that I'd simply never trust him again and left him about a year later. Best thing I ever did beyond having my kids. 

Is he really that great that the it's worth your stomach being tied in knots? My answer was no.

Maybe yours is yes. If so you'll have to live with it.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> You can't...that's part of what you need to make peace with if you've decided to stick around.
> 
> It may lessen in time if you get what you need from him, but most cheaters are too selfish to actually give you what you need. And since you now know what he's capable of things will never be the same so you have to live with that too.
> 
> ...


It’s the betrayal and unknown that will constantly plague me . I am taking his word for it accepting that’s really the truth yet in the back of my mind is the big “ what is there’s more to it “ 
I suppose part of forgiveness is to let it go as well.
I’m not sure I am past that yet … I’m trying to reconcile what we have , but it’s not easy to move past the anger you feel inside .
I still do want to work this out and hopefully make a better relationship and marriage … I just don’t know if it is realistic to be able to stop obsessing over what happened and focus on the mending


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your brain is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another. You want to reconcile so you’re trying to shut your brain down. That’s a difficult thing to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you think he has told you everything?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do _not _ever trust him 100% the way you used to. Always keep your eyes open.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> I am taking his word for it accepting that’s really the truth yet in the back of my mind is the big “ what is there’s more to it


Taking the cheaters word for it never works. There is absolutely more.

I'm not sure how it is possible to accept / forgive when you don't know what you are accepting or forgiving.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> It’s the betrayal and unknown that will constantly plague me . I am taking his word for it accepting that’s really the truth yet in the back of my mind is the big “ what is there’s more to it “
> I suppose part of forgiveness is to let it go as well.
> I’m not sure I am past that yet … I’m trying to reconcile what we have , but it’s not easy to move past the anger you feel inside .
> I still do want to work this out and hopefully make a better relationship and marriage … I just don’t know if it is realistic to be able to stop obsessing over what happened and focus on the mending


It's definitely not realistic to expect it to stop this soon...neither will you be able to consciously make it stop.
HE BETRAYED YOU. Your heart and mind KNOW it, no matter how much you are trying to overlook it and pretend it didn't happen. Your heart and mind aren't going to forget and feel safe for awhile, unless he acts in a way that rebuilds your trust and gives you hope.

You have got to accept these feelings, and just exist with them. You need to see that they are there, notice them, and then let them go when they are ready. If they feel overwhelming, try writing all the negativity down in a journal so you can release it from your mind. 

The problem for you going forward is that most of the time, anger is the sign that something is happening that isn't right for you...and it won't go away until you resolve it. But you are attempting to accept something without resolving it, so the anger is probably going to show up alot more than if you were getting more of what you really need from your husband.

If you continue to deny YOUR basic emotional needs and boundaries, and choose to rug sweep this, you might not be able to move past the anger and sense of being wronged. And then you have to decide if you are actually handling things the best way for YOU.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Do you think he has told you everything?


I want to believe he did … I’m not certain but that is what he tells me that it was innocent and did not mean anything — obviously the intent there was not innocent he is trying to cover his mistake I’m trying my best to forgive him for it but it’s not as easy … I get triggered here and there and causes me severe anxiety over it all.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> It's definitely not realistic to expect it to stop this soon...neither will you be able to consciously make it stop.
> HE BETRAYED YOU. Your heart and mind KNOW it, no matter how much you are trying to overlook it and pretend it didn't happen. Your heart and mind aren't going to forget and feel safe for awhile, unless he acts in a way that rebuilds your trust and gives you hope.
> 
> You have got to accept these feelings, and just exist with them. You need to see that they are there, notice them, and then let them go when they are ready. If they feel overwhelming, try writing all the negativity down in a journal so you can release it from your mind.
> ...


Yes I think I need to really be at peace with what happened . I need to also stop obsessing over watching over his social media like a hawk ! I am having such anxiety and it’s actually been better lately between us . He’s been extremely attentive and have spent a lot of time with me working on just US .
To go back and keep bringing up what happened is pointless , I know . 
maybe I just need time to pass and build new memories with him because this particular memory is over shadowing everything else .
I want to move forward , I honestly do .
It’s just so hard not to wonder … I still browse his IG on who follows him and still some women I don’t even know of who have questionable accounts with nothing but bikini photos — 
They could be just the random women he followed and they followed back , I feel like I’m paranoid. Yet still need to ask who those women are exactly .
My friends tell me to let it go for now unless there are absolute signs things are going on … just to not stir the pot unknowingly .
I hate being this bitter . Paranoid woman !


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in the situation your husband has put you in, but a few 2x4's are coming your way regardless because you desperately need them.

I've read back through all your posts and for the life of me can't understand why you would believe a single word of the absolute B.S. your cheating, gaslighting, blameshifting, unremorseful and unrepentant, POS husband is spewing from his lying lips. You need to stop being such a doormat and stand up for yourself! You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to try and save it. 

Lace up your b*_ch boots and go nuclear on his a*_! Demand the respect and accountabilty you deserve and are entitled to! You can't "nice him" back into your marriage. You're playing the "pick me dance" and twisting yourself into knots to try and fix what you didn't break. That NEVER works! It only leads to further DDays and more heartache for you.

If your husband isn't willing to move mountains to prove to you he's all in and "gets it" you had nothing to work with anyhow and your marriage is already over. You're responsible for 50% of whatever problems your marriage had, but he's 100% responsible for his cheating! You need to enact clear boundaries and consequences if he breaks them, and mean it by following through! Unless of course, your plan is to go along with what he wants and rugsweep the whole thing, and continue to let him walk all over you and turn a blind eye to his cheating? 

I find it truly sad and disheartening that your first post was one month ago (so your DDay just happened) and you're already talking about needing to be at peace, to stop obsessing, and wanting to reconcile and get over this???? Are you f***ing kidding me? Aww, hell no!!!! It's commonly stated that it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to reconcile after cheating happens in a marriage and that's with a wayward spouse who is remorseful, all in, and being accountable and doing the work needed.

The fact is, you don't have the slightest clue what you're trying to deal with or even get over! You can't reconcile what you don't know and with a wayward spouse who isn't all in, or even attempting anything other than wanting to rugsweep and do the bare minimum to shut you up and make this all go away. What I see, is that to him you're a wife appliance, and not much more. I have to wonder who may be getting "the best" of him? Cause it's certainly not you.

Your doubts and uneasy feelings are NOT WRONG! Your gut and intuition is screaming at you for a reason!!! Take heed and listen to it, not your deceptive and deceitful husband! You're so focused on his "emotional cheating" on social media that you can't seem to see the forest through the trees. Why do you for one moment believe he isn't physically cheating on you? Because he told you so? Please... Cheaters lie.. a lot. Then they lie some more. 

Your husband's complete lack of empathy and cold treatment towards you (both emotionally AND physically) before and after finding out about his cheating speaks volumes. Don't listen to what he says (because the words of a cheater are meaningless) and instead watch what he does. His ACTIONS not his WORDS are what you need to judge him by. If you do this you'll see what many of us see, and that's the fact that he's failing miserably!

I think he's completely checked out and detached from you emotionally and physically because he's more than likely investing that energy with someone else. He should be bending over backwards to try and repair the damage he's done and to assure you he's commited to you and your marriage only, and doing all he can to be transparent and to make you feel safe. He's not because you and your marriage aren't his priority. 

You said in one of your other posts that he didn't want you going camping with him (said you'd be a buzzkill for him in so many words). My jaw dropped when I read that. That and other things you've written make it sounds to me like he doesn't like having to spend time with you outside the home all that much. Doesn't this have your alarm bells ringing? It should! Don't you seriously wonder if you've been replaced in that regard. You so sure he's off camping with family? Or even camping at all and not in a hotel or at an AP's home? 

You also stated that he was pushing you away when you tried to initiate contact and intimacy. Why do you think that is? I'm sorry but with the story you've laid out I see big red flags flying all over the place. I think your husband is having a physical affair as well as the online crap he's pulling. He may just be hooking up and having sex or he may have a specific "Other Woman" that he's fully invested in. 

I guess the bigger question is what do you plan on doing about it? It's obvious you're being absolutely torn apart by lack of knowledge and certainty. Can you live this way for the rest of your life with him (or at the very least until that soul crushing DDay 2 occurs)?

Personally, if it were me, I'd be getting to the truth of the matter by way of a discreet and thorough investigation. Eyes open, mouth shut! I'd be hiding a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car and wherever he spends the most time on his phone in the house. I'd need to know definitively what I'm dealing with to be certain it wasn't a dealbreaker before I would ever consider offering the gift of reconciliation. 

Look at how badly he's broken you over what you "think" was an emotional affair carried out online. What happens if you rugsweep and "forgive him" only to find out 6 months from now that he has an AP locally that he's been having sex with and taking out around town behind your back, and never stopped doing so?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in the situation your husband has put you in, but a few 2x4's are coming your way regardless because you desperately need them.
> 
> I've read back through all your posts and for the life of me can't understand why you would believe a single word of the absolute B.S. your cheating, gaslighting, blameshifting, unremorseful and unrepentant, POS husband is spewing from his lying lips. You need to stop being such a doormat and stand up for yourself! You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to try and save it.
> 
> ...


I understand what you’re saying and I do appreciate you opening my eyes to it . I know the fact that he still could be lying . 
I know it’s probably not wise to trust he’s telling me the truth . The fact here is that after 20 plus years of marriage the idea of just dumping the marriage is not that easy. 
may this point also ., I have no solid proof of anything. Apart from catching him follow women online. I have no hard evidence of infidelity to raise in the decision to leave the marriage . 
at this point it’s my suspicion and speculation . 
do I have doubts ? YES .But is having doubts and speculation justified to end a marriage ? i am opting to try to figure things out here . To see if there is something worth saving . If not then yes of course I wouldn’t stick around.
At this point the past 3 weeks have been trying to work with us and like I said that has been doing better . We’re spending more time together and connecting better than before . 
yes I still don’t trust and I’m still battling to let go but that’s part of resolving and learning to see whether this will all work or even whether it’s worth saving
A marriage is a lot of things and sometimes it’s not just about giving up .. sometimes it’s also learning to make alterations because life , time , everyday changes it … marriage is never the same as when we entered it , it evolves and sometimes we also have to along with it . 
I understand fully well most people would just leave the situation. I’m hurt yes , I’m still battling the pain and still trying to sort it out . 
I appreciate your sentiment and understand how you’re showing me this ,believe me I do …


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Apparently you are upset because your husband has 100+ "questionable" friends on social media & he likes their swimsuit pictures. To me that is not even an EA. It's a guy being visual. It's not more real then him looking at a dirty magazine. Men are visual creatures & these women are probably beautiful. I get it. At middle age my slim body changed & I'm carrying around a few extra pounds so when I see skinny 20 somethings like I used to be, I get upset. That doesn't mean every time my husband looks at a younger woman or even talks to one that he's going to leave me. 

Try remembering that so called EAs are conversations. Yes, they are conversations that cross a line because in a marriage your primary source of emotional support should be your spouse, but still IMO it's way easier to come back from an EA, then a PA. As long as you are certain it was only an EA, put it out of your mind. Now spend more of your time taking up your spouse's time & giving them the emotional support they sought outside. 

Rather than fretting about what your husband said, who he flirted with or whose picture he liked, spend time addressing your anxiety & building your self esteem. Don't beg or chase him. Instead be interesting. Have a life & opinions. Make yourself more attractive by liking yourself more. Plan things so he has less time to play on social media & get more engaged with each other.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Rather than fretting about what your husband said, who he flirted with or whose picture he liked


Exactly right here. Even if there is more, how is that possibly going to make you feel better? If you're making the decision to stick to your marriage then you just have to bite that bullet and do it. Or don't. It will never be like it was before, but that doesn't mean you can't have a fulfilling relationship. MANY MANY people do it every day contrary to popular belief. It's not for everyone, but there are some marriages and types of love for one another that can sustain their bond even after such an event. It's your choice alone sister. Good luck.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Apparently you are upset because your husband has 100+ "questionable" friends on social media & he likes their swimsuit pictures. To me that is not even an EA. It's a guy being visual. It's not more real then him looking at a dirty magazine. Men are visual creatures & these women are probably beautiful. I get it. At middle age my slim body changed & I'm carrying around a few extra pounds so when I see skinny 20 somethings like I used to be, I get upset. That doesn't mean every time my husband looks at a younger woman or even talks to one that he's going to leave me.
> 
> Try remembering that so called EAs are conversations. Yes, they are conversations that cross a line because in a marriage your primary source of emotional support should be your spouse, but still IMO it's way easier to come back from an EA, then a PA. As long as you are certain it was only an EA, put it out of your mind. Now spend more of your time taking up your spouse's time & giving them the emotional support they sought outside.
> 
> Rather than fretting about what your husband said, who he flirted with or whose picture he liked, spend time addressing your anxiety & building your self esteem. Don't beg or chase him. Instead be interesting. Have a life & opinions. Make yourself more attractive by liking yourself more. Plan things so he has less time to play on social media & get more engaged with each other.


Yes that is what I am trying to do with re connecting or trying to rekindle that part of what we’ve lost through 20’plus years of marriage.
And it’s not the looking or liking — I understand that is similar to looking at magazines.
My issue was he went and APPROACHED one of these women , at least I only know of one because she is a friend of my friend —- he messaged her specifically to say hi and chit chat … what business does he have doing that ? 
THAT is my main issue because who knows what conversations went on , how often … he told it’s nothing but do I know if that’s true ? He definitely could not be telling me this thing in it’s entirety.
I have no issues with my own self esteem… but something like this is sure knock anyone off their feet .. right ??
When you man strays to talk to another woman even if it’s not physical , it’s beyond JUST LOOKING


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Savannah, you are clearly not sure if you know the truth. In your position I would make sure he gets a polygraph test. They are not 100% accurate but it may lead to him telling you more if there is more to tell. Think carefully about what questions you ask.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

She cheated on me for a year. That was 38 years ago. I still find myself thinking about it everyday. I use beat those thought down. It doesn’t go away. I just cope and try to take care of myself. Sad really.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jackba57 said:


> She cheated on me for a year. That was 38 years ago. I still find myself thinking about it everyday. I use beat those thought down. It doesn’t go away. I just cope and try to take care of myself. Sad really.


The only way you will stop the cycle is to forgive. I have had to forgive people who have done terrible things, but I rarely think about them now because they are in the past and I have moved on now. 

Try it. 
Not easy but very beneficial.


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

How do you forgive someone that tore out your heart, step on it and through it in the trash? someone that found you boring, unattractive and worth less. Not worthless…worth less. I made the mistake of staying. But then I raised her son from him. He is my absolut hero. He is everything I’m not. I’d have never know such a wonderful young man. So I guess I should count my blessings. But I’m not much for forgiveness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jackba57 said:


> She cheated on me for a year. That was 38 years ago. I still find myself thinking about it everyday. I use beat those thought down. It doesn’t go away. I just cope and try to take care of myself. Sad really.


I think perhaps starting your own thread might benefit you.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The only way you will stop the cycle is to forgive. I have had to forgive people who have done terrible things, but I rarely think about them now because they are in the past and I have moved on now.
> 
> Try it.
> Not easy but very beneficial.


I am finding it difficult to forgive , I don’t know why but I just can’t get myself to that point , I know o want to work things out but for the life of me , forgiving my husband for his deceit is something I just can’t do right now .. I am angry and bitter and as much as I want to forget it all , I can’t get past it … even with seeing a therapist myself — it’s not easy


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you’ve paid money to a therapist and haven’t accomplished what you want with their help = get a NEW therapist!

Has your husband deleted ALL of his social media apps? If not, why aren’t you requiring that to move forward? Why does it look like you are doing all the work and worrying in this marriage? 

And IF/SINCE he isn’t doing at LEAST 150% effort to help YOU feel loved and safe and that you can trust him = just end it.

You should NEVER need to beg anyone to love and respect you. If that’s the case then end it.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> If you’ve paid money to a therapist and haven’t accomplished what you want with their help = get a NEW therapist!
> 
> Has your husband deleted ALL of his social media apps? If not, why aren’t you requiring that to move forward? Why does it look like you are doing all the work and worrying in this marriage?
> 
> ...


Therapist just mainly listens but no real help on what I need to do to be able to move forward.
He has been gaslighting me throughout this whole ordeal , honestly I don’t know why I am still here .wishing for something that’s never gonna be there ? 
I don’t know why I just can’t let go of this relationship which is clearly eating me up inside
He isn’t recognizing his fault and that’s basically what I am needing to her past it
He expects me to just forget it in one swoop — clearly he isn’t mature enough mentally to deal with this , I feel like half the time I am talking to a child who is being a brat , the whole issue makes me really sad
Yes I need to make the final decision soon


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does he still use any social media now?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Does he still use any social media now?


Yes … he claims he’s not but he doesn’t know enough that I can see him online… I haven’t told I can yet as I’m gathering proof screen shots of all the times he’s doing it . 
He is online every 15 minutes even when he’s supposedly working . He could be looking at normal things but every 15 minutes is excessive and I don’t think he is realizing he is addicted to being online , regardless of what he looks at
I don’t mind that he looks at cars or random guy things , not even that he looks at women there — my fear is that the last time he took it far to message a woman personally .
He claims it was nothing and he’s no longer doing it … that’s my issue … I can’t get past thinking he’ll do it again 
I’m sick of not moving forward from this …


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since he claims he’s not yet he is - you can’t trust a word he says.
No trust = no way to have a healthy marriage.
He’s ruined it. And he has no intention of fixing what he ruined.
I would divorce him. He’s not trying to help you feel better about trusting him. Heck, he’s STILL trying to fool you! 
I’d be flaming mad.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Just some food for thought.....would it really help you to know how far this all went and what was said? Do you really want to know what he was feeling that prompted him to reach out to another woman? Do you feel this is a first? I watched as my husband (now ex) would slither into a lady's life with his humor and he would work her until he was getting lunch dates with her. We talked about everything, I wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling towards these women. With each one as they ended I thought that was the end to only have it happen all over again. It hurts like heck, it breaks trust. Do you really want to stay and make this work? Do you feel you can trust him again? Did you ask him why he did this?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Some men love the chase and challenge.
Some men love to rescue.
Some men just like to cheat.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell this could be his MO until knowing any man for a really long time.


He is likely online every 15 minutes because he’s got an ongoing chat going with one gal/or some gals. It’s important enough (to him) to be online - important enough to risk the marriage (again).


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

NorthernGuard said:


> OP, I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in the situation your husband has put you in, but a few 2x4's are coming your way regardless because you desperately need them.
> 
> I've read back through all your posts and for the life of me can't understand why you would believe a single word of the absolute B.S. your cheating, gaslighting, blameshifting, unremorseful and unrepentant, POS husband is spewing from his lying lips. You need to stop being such a doormat and stand up for yourself! You have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to try and save it.
> 
> ...


YES! Take it from me. My DDay1 was 8 years ago. He promised he wouldn’t do it again, said to trust him. Turned into what I thought was an attentive husband and father. We were happy, or so I thought until DDay2 a couple of months ago. My narcissistic husband NEVER STOPPED SEEING the OW and has been lying this whole time. We have been married for 27 years.

I wish I had divorced him after DDay1. I would be living a whole new life now. 

Please do yourself a favor and read the book called “Cheating in a nutshell: what infidelity does to the victim” It will really help you see the effects of betrayal and will help you make a path forward. I never read self-help books but this one was different - it has really changed my life.

I am so sorry for what you have been through. But do not do what I did and remain in victimhood. Cheaters NEVER change. He already broke the promise he made to you at your wedding vows. Why won’t he keep doing that?. “Just as what he did is not your fault, you must accept the fact he won’t change who he is. Only he can do that, and he doesn’t find fault in his behavior. So he will not change.” - from the book I referenced.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Some men love the chase and challenge.
> Some men love to rescue.
> Some men just like to cheat.
> 
> ...


That is my fear .. not even our teenage son spends every fifteen minutes checking his Instagram — funny thing is when I ask what he’s doing during these times when he is at work .. he says he’s busy —- I know he’s lying even now 
I’ve recently told him that I cannot trust him and every minute he is near his phone triggers me . He is all of a sudden worried about me watching him like a hawk — I said well that’s what happens when you cheat on someone .. you have to swallow the consequences, did you really think you can do that to me and I’d just forget it ever happened ? 
he must be more confused than I though


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Coloratura said:


> YES! Take it from me. My DDay1 was 8 years ago. He promised he wouldn’t do it again, said to trust him. Turned into what I thought was an attentive husband and father. We were happy, or so I thought until DDay2 a couple of months ago. My narcissistic husband NEVER STOPPED SEEING the OW and has been lying this whole time. We have been married for 27 years.
> 
> I wish I had divorced him after DDay1. I would be living a whole new life now.
> 
> ...


Last night I spoke to him on why he did what he did even if it were nothing physical , he emotionally attached himself to a random woman . For the first time in the last 2-3 months he’s been dodging my questions , he admits that he was only seeking someone to talk to as I was not making him happy. — this time he gave me reasons like I’m always complaining and I’m this and that 
I said look , why did you not just confront me on what you think I’m doing ? Why did you purposely go behind my back , at lowest point of my life when I was ill and struggling to get better ? You chose that specific time to do what you did and now you want me to think it’s my fault too ?! You must be out of your mind ! 
I am hurt and betrayed and as much as I want to fix this , his keying continues on as he tells me he is not on social media anymore yet I see him online the whole day
I now don’t know if I should expose this spying I am doing or should I keep it to myself for now 
I want so badly to tell him that I’m onto his bull , but I also don’t want to give up my source just yet . He doesn’t know that you can see someone online so he keeps lying as I screen shot the moments he lies to me while it clearly says he is online — what a joke


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s obviously not sorry he’s been hurting you. He doesn’t plan to change a thing.

Why is he still living with you? What do YOU plan to do to change things?


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Last night I spoke to him on why he did what he did even if it were nothing physical , he emotionally attached himself to a random woman . For the first time in the last 2-3 months he’s been dodging my questions , he admits that he was only seeking someone to talk to as I was not making him happy. — this time he gave me reasons like I’m always complaining and I’m this and that
> I said look , why did you not just confront me on what you think I’m doing ? Why did you purposely go behind my back , at lowest point of my life when I was ill and struggling to get better ? You chose that specific time to do what you did and now you want me to think it’s my fault too ?! You must be out of your mind !
> I am hurt and betrayed and as much as I want to fix this , his keying continues on as he tells me he is not on social media anymore yet I see him online the whole day
> I now don’t know if I should expose this spying I am doing or should I keep it to myself for now
> I want so badly to tell him that I’m onto his bull , but I also don’t want to give up my source just yet . He doesn’t know that you can see someone online so he keeps lying as I screen shot the moments he lies to me while it clearly says he is online — what a joke


My advice is not to expose your spying. That is what I did and my husband immediately turned it around on me and made it seem like my spying on him was the crime of the century and worse than what he was doing to me, which was screwing his secretary. I have always wished I had never told him as it gave him something concrete to blame me for, and weakened me in his eyes. You don’t ever have to tell him anything about how you know what you know. You can just say you know, and keep him wondering. Telling him how you know won’t make a difference, will it?

And you are not to blame, no matter what you did or did not do in the marriage. He is the one taking all the risks, and subsequently 100% of the blame.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> He’s obviously not sorry he’s been hurting you. He doesn’t plan to change a thing.
> 
> Why is he still living with you? What do YOU plan to do to change things?


I am planning to talk to him and make my decision to move on — if there is no remorse, plan of action or empathy on his part then there is no point in salvaging the marriage. It’s sad but this was once the man I chose over others thinking he was THE ONE . Boy was I ever wrong 😑


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Coloratura said:


> My advice is not to expose your spying. That is what I did and my husband immediately turned it around on me and made it seem like my spying on him was the crime of the century and worse than what he was doing to me, which was screwing his secretary. I have always wished I had never told him as it gave him something concrete to blame me for, and weakened me in his eyes. You don’t ever have to tell him anything about how you know what you know. You can just say you know, and keep him wondering. Telling him how you know won’t make a difference, will it?
> 
> And you are not to blame, no matter what you did or did not do in the marriage. He is the one taking all the risks, and subsequently 100% of the blame.


Yes I agree I am holding much of the proof I find at hand and is my amo come the time that o may need proof of his lies 
sad thing is he tells me that He did what he did because I drove him to it — I said no matter what I did or did not do , you should have brought the issues up with me
, not run to the next available woman . I also said that has this woman been one to offer more than casual conversation ( at least that’s what i was told ) he would have surely complied as it is he did not even stop to think what he was attempting to do was still wrong regardless .
That if he could not tell his wife about speaking to this woman , likely answer is that he’s not doing something good
I’m tired of him thinking that his bad behavior entitles him to accuse ME .. he’s that twisted that he will blame me for HIS mistake ! He cant even be man enough to admit and take accountability. Now he’s worried that I’m coming unhinged over triggers like his cell , everytime he’s on it I give him the death look — so now he feels he’s too towing around me 
I SAID GOOD ! this is the consequences of your actions , you wanna keep this going , you gotta sit through the misery I’m in because you caused it ! You’re worried about my triggers and how it affects you. Yet you never stopped to think you talking to another woman without my knowledge wasn’t gonna be an issue ??? 
I laugh at this and his stupidity to think he can just get away with what he did … he may not show the remorse but he will feel my anger ! I’m sorry I’m very upset and I can’t deal with his constant stupidity I may have to make my decision soon


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Just some food for thought.....would it really help you to know how far this all went and what was said? Do you really want to know what he was feeling that prompted him to reach out to another woman? Do you feel this is a first? I watched as my husband (now ex) would slither into a lady's life with his humor and he would work her until he was getting lunch dates with her. We talked about everything, I wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling towards these women. With each one as they ended I thought that was the end to only have it happen all over again. It hurts like heck, it breaks trust. Do you really want to stay and make this work? Do you feel you can trust him again? Did you ask him why he did this?


As a matter of fact I asked him last night and he only said that I drove him to it — that he couldn’t talk to me ( which was total bull cop out) yet he could not answer me when I asked whether they only spoke once or numerous times — he all of a sudden could not give me a direct answer as to what they talked about … I’m sure he didn’t suddenly Gain amnesia .
And yet he really won’t tell me the god honest truth about my questions 
So far yea he’s been avoiding being on his phone in front of me but I see him online while at work at a constant rate of every 15 min or so 
I have not told him this because he’d surely stop — and I’m trying to get more proof of all this before o make the decision with proof in tow


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He’s blaming YOU for how he’s been participating? Oh hell no! 

Don’t even give him a chance to explain. He’s a jerk that you can’t trust if he is unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> He’s blaming YOU for how he’s been participating? Oh hell no!
> 
> Don’t even give him a chance to explain. He’s a jerk that you can’t trust if he is unwilling to take responsibility for his own actions!


Yes ! He said I drove him to seek another woman because of how I’m not this or not that , complaining that He couldn’t talk to me and he was unhappy 
I said I don’t care if you’re unhappy — divorce me or separate from me - but you didn’t , you took it upon yourself to do that knowing damn well you are a married man! Now there are consequences to his actions because I told him that I am now mega triggered by everything and he’s in a panic because he feels I am onto him .I said oh well , you weren’t worried when you decided to message this woman continually… now you’re worried of the consequences of your actions ??? A little late there —


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Make a decision. Take action. He’s not a good partner.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Did you do anything to change this mess?


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