# Cant believe my life has fallen apart, how do you get through this.



## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

Hi everyone

Apologies in advance for such a long post. 

I am surprising myself by even posting on here but im at a loss as to what to do.

Im 29 years old, been married 11 years this year, no children. Five weeks ago, my husband said that he loved me deeply but did not feel the same love as when we met, and that he really needed some space. I wont lie, i begged and begged for him to not go down that route, i promised to change everything about myself, i would have and still would do absolutely anything to make us work. But after a week of begging i realised that i was probably doing more damage than good, and i told him that i supported his decision to take some space. He moved out, into an appt that we own. 

Although i was aware, that things were kind of not right, i believed that we have a good solid marriage, based on love and repsect for each other. Although now i can see the signs, he was going away, out with friends all the time, etc, it came as such a shock to me, he was so keen to have a baby with me just last year? I asked if anyone else was involved, i dreaded the answer but he told me that no one was involved, he had not cheated, and i do believe him. He said he feels like he doesnt know who he is anymore.

The first two weeks, i continued to call him and text him, as i was so desperate and worried and heartbroken, again, i realised i was probably making things worse. He pops around the house sometimes, again, in the first few weeks i was tearful each time i saw him. I feel at times like i can hardly breath the pain is so bad, i feel that ive not only lost my husband but also my bestest friend. We have been together all of my adult life and i dont really know life without him.

The past two weeks, i have pulled myself together (losely!), i have recently finished professional course at uni, and despite feeling like i cannot pick myself up off the floor, made myself go to four pre arranged job interviews, unbelievably, they see something in me that i dont understand, i was offered all 4 positions. So im grateful for that. My problem is that i just manage to get through the days, but the weekends kill me. I hit the floor every weekend, panic and desperation and hurt just completely overwhelm me. 

I have made some changes tho, i no longer call him unless absolutely necessary, and have taken a step back with regard to being so totally available whenever he decisdes to call me. I feel that if he needs space, he needs to realise that he does miss me from his life to hopefully appreciate what we have, but i am terrified that giving him space is the wrong thing. THe last few times he has called to the house, i have been out, so not seen him for nearly two weeks now. There is no structure to his "space", no deadline, as im reluctant to place one, no regular meetings etc, im so scared of pushing him further away. Am i doing the right thing?

thanks so much for reading if you made it to the end of my post.

xxx


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I am in your exact situation, just a little further along. We've been separated 2 months at the end of May. I thought we were ready to start a family, he went back and forth and now looking back, I admit I didnt listen or really see his apprehension. Now he left and is planning on living in a condo until our house is sold and he is pushing for that fast. We have minimal contact only via email. I feel my life falling apart. I can only hope in time he may have a change of heart...but he seems pretty resolute on moving on, without me. Coping and moving on is very difficult for me. 

I hope it works out for you.


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I didnt mean to hijack your post with my sob story...I also meant to write I think you are doing the right thing, everything I read says you need to act happy like you can move on without him...and he will come around.


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## ididnothingwrong (May 19, 2012)

I agree be happy.


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## Heheals (May 20, 2012)

Is he much older than you or are you roughly the same age?


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## SockMonkey (Feb 18, 2010)

So sorry to read how upset you are. It is terribly heartbreaking and I sincerely hope that you are able to find some things you can do to ease the pain a bit.

Do you have any friends you can visit on the weekend? I think you need to make some plans, even if you're depressed while you do them. I"ve been in that spot and know how awful it is.

Sending hugs!


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

confused2301 said:


> I am in your exact situation, just a little further along. We've been separated 2 months at the end of May. I thought we were ready to start a family, he went back and forth and now looking back, I admit I didnt listen or really see his apprehension. Now he left and is planning on living in a condo until our house is sold and he is pushing for that fast. We have minimal contact only via email. I feel my life falling apart. I can only hope in time he may have a change of heart...but he seems pretty resolute on moving on, without me. Coping and moving on is very difficult for me.
> 
> I hope it works out for you.


Thanks so much for replying, im sorry to hear that you are in the same situation, and please dont worry, you did not hijack my post, your words gave me comfort. We have not really told anyone (my sister knows) and she keeps telling me that now is the time to look after me. Ie pamper, workout, relax, basically concentrate on my own life and let this run its course as there is nothing really i can do, as it is totally dependant on his realisation that our marriage is worthwhile. But i feel like doing this means im not trying to save what we have, its prob not a rational thought but all the same.....

Have you told your family friends etc?

I think you sound like your doing really well. Thanks again for your support X


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

ididnothingwrong said:


> I agree be happy.



Thanks for replying, i appreciate everyone support.Will keep trying to be happy! x


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

Heheals said:


> Is he much older than you or are you roughly the same age?


Hi there, thanks for replying. No not really that much older, he is 33? x


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

SockMonkey said:


> So sorry to read how upset you are. It is terribly heartbreaking and I sincerely hope that you are able to find some things you can do to ease the pain a bit.
> 
> Do you have any friends you can visit on the weekend? I think you need to make some plans, even if you're depressed while you do them. I"ve been in that spot and know how awful it is.
> 
> Sending hugs!


Thanks so much for your kind words. I think your right, my sister is telling me the same, fill my weekends so that im really busy without any time to stop and think. Its so difficult, i am trying to prove that im getting on with life, as i know that if he sees me weak, crying, non independant, that its just not attractive, he needs to see that im able to cope and still the person he fell in love with, i just feel so guilty for the rare moments that i do manage to laugh or be happy, i feel like im giving up, its so irrational but its just the way i am at the moment. thanks again x


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi Blossom,
Yes I have told family and friends. It is at the point where it cannot be denied unfortunately. I am holding onto a sliver of hope but that is fading. However I will not give up. I feel your pain, trust me. One thing I will say, is when/if your hubby returns to talk, give it a chance, take it slow. Maybe even continue on working on the marriage while apart. I know with me, during my husbands confusion (he went back and forth for a while) when he did express trying to work on it, I fell back into old patterns, overly expressed my love for him, etc. This pushed him away again because he felt guilty by not feeling the same right away. Anyways, the best thing for both of us is to work on ourselves, keep busy, etc. 

I hope it works out for you. I won't lie, and as you probably know, this is the worst...the suffering is unbearable.


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## Heheals (May 20, 2012)

After being married for a period of time it's not unusual for one or both parties to lose sight of who they are. My husband and I often say this to each other because our lives have become so intertwined with work, kids, and our life together, that we often don't know when one of us starts and the other ends. Personal time is next to nil and everything we do is often for the sake of someone else. 

One can't just up and go out when they want, do things when they want, go where they want. If one isn't ready it can tend to eventually lead to a trapped feeling, and this isn't an unusual feeling in any relationship I don't think. It's a matter of how mature someone is and whether they know how to approach it.

When a person is young, they don't often understand the dynamics of a relationship and don't think that it should involve them as much as it does. I think he's just scared that he's losing himself and doesn't know what to do. They also often don't like the idea of being accountable to someone and find that a hard adjustment to make. 

I would suggest letting him know that you are there when he is ready to talk and just remember that you are still you. I know that it hurts deeply, but you can use this as a time to discover yourself, to find out how to find happiness from within you and become the person that you are designed to be. We often integrate our happiness with the happiness of our significant other and if they aren't happy, we aren't happy etc. 

You mentioned that you begged him to stay, that you would change etc...Don't be insecure about yourself, stand up and remember who you are, that you are beautiful and its not your relationship to him that defines who you are. Relationships should help build on that, not tear down who you are. Find confidence in who you are and maybe it will help him do the same


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## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi there Blossom...I have empathy for where you are at..my wife left me 13 months ago and told me to move out of our home. I thought I was going to die, each and everyday. This june would have been our 17th anniversary with 19 years together. We have two little ones, 10 and 7. I have made it this far by being strong and focused. It does get easier but is still hard. Some days I do not want to get out of bed..I do get out of bed and move through the day. I am teaching my children that no matter what life throws at you, you have the chance to stand tall and act with pride and a tender heart. Many times I want to scream at my wife and pound the ground in frustration but realized that is not appealing to anyone, least of all me make it through each day and know that it will get better, it takes some longer than others. It feels like it has taken me several lifetimes to get better. My wife is not dating others and it is hard but life happens. Be strong for you and when you come out of it you will be like the six million dollar woman. A better version of you that is stronger and more capable of handling lifes ups and downs. Life is hard at times but it also is full of joy,if you let it. I know it sucks for you now, persevere with pride. If he does not want you, you do not want someone who does not want you..
steve


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your kind words. You have all given me some comfort. My emotions change every second, but i think i will take the advice you have all given me. Firstly, to take it day by day, i am thinking way into the future, and i shouldnt be torturing myself, and i am going to try to use the time to get me right. 

Its the feeling of loss for what i thought our future might be, i so solidly believed that we would be walking round hand in hand in our eighties. Hopefully we still have a chance, but i guess thats up to god now. 

I am realising some things about myself. I know i am a good wife, i could not love or care for my husband more, and he knows he is so loved. I reflect now and realise that i have spent the past 6 months trying to be the perfect wife. I guess this was because i could feel that things werent as good as usual. I have literally been walking on egg shells, but in all honesty, i would have continued to do that for the rest of my life if it meant that this wouldnt have happened. I think i have prob had more cause to walk away than he has but i would never have done that. I am not perfect, far from it, im sure ive drove him mad but thats life, i can categorically say that i have never ever hurt my husband, his happiness has been so important to me but i think i have prob been too nice, too accomodating, and placed to much importance on securing his hopes dreams and happiness, that i made mine quite unimportant. I accept responsibility for that, i have always always felt deeply in love, since we very first met, but i was also very strong, independent, fun, and i think i kind of lost my spark at some point. 

thank you again, i so appreciate you taking the time to reply x


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I am 33, six weeks into a separation I did not want. Everything you write could have been written by me! I hope you know how normal you are -- this is -- and that you are not alone!



blossom29 said:


> Its the feeling of loss for what i thought our future might be, i so solidly believed that we would be walking round hand in hand in our eighties.


Tell me about it! Sometimes I feel like I'm more in love with the dream (our plans to living in Europe, his family and friends who i grew so attached to) and to the guy he WAS (when we met we were 18/19) than who he IS today.



blossom29 said:


> I think i have prob had more cause to walk away than he has but i would never have done that.


This is something we should all work hard to keep in mind. We saw the problems, but wanted to work on them...whether our exes were good for us or not, we want to work on our marriages and they do not. This is itself is not a lovable quality, IMO. I too skirted around HIS problems because I loved him, and now I know that our relationship was set up to fail because of his issues.



blossom29 said:


> i have never ever hurt my husband, his happiness has been so important to me but i think i have prob been too nice, too accomodating, and placed to much importance on securing his hopes dreams and happiness, that i made mine quite unimportant.


I'm sure this is so common...since I have been on my own, I have found that I feel much stronger because I am living authentically. Do you feel you are at least starting to feel like yourself again?


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## Heheals (May 20, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> THopefully we still have a chance, but i guess thats up to god now.


That's all one can really do is give it to God Pray for what God wants you to learn during this time, and pray for him that God will touch his heart.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Blossom, walkaway spoues are worse than cheaters becuase they leave you with so many unanswered questions. They are cowards of the highest order. 

Read up on the 180. I can't provide a link because I'm on mobile, but someone will come along who can. I think the 180 is custom fit for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Blossom, I had a walkaway spouse as well. 

It does get better, but I do agree with Bandit. It is rough stuff.

Here are the 180 rules. Remember, they are there to help YOU through this. This is not a cure for an ailing relationship, but can help in some instances.

180 Rules


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

hi there

Thanks so much for taking time to reply, you are really helping me.

I have read the 180 and am gonna take another look over it, the thought of it really frightens me, but i think the concept of it is probably what i need in order to be looking after myself.

I am on such a rollercoaster at the moment, i just feel so out of control emotionally. But i have my faith, and i am just praying that things work out. I am realising that i really need to get working on myself tho. I need to sort me out, thats the only thing i have any control over. I have moments where i feel that just talking to my husband will fix everything, but i have other moments of total clarity where i realise that, its only him WANTING to talk to me that will change the situation. I cant force it. 

I tend not to initiate contact at the moment unless i need to, had to twice this week to discuss finances, but i kept it very low key and didnt prolong the conversation. But i absolutely hate talking about money, it seems so unimportant, but i guess its the repsonsible thing to do. 

I have just graduated from medical school, i think part of my devestation comes from the fact, that as a couple, we have supported each other through school and retraining as mature students etc, and were on the cusp of having a great home life, ie. enough money to fulfill our travelling dreams etc, no stress of school, or my hubby having to work a million hours to pay the bills, and we might never get the chance. I feel so terribly guilty that i have not worked through school, and he has burdened alot of financial strain looking after us. 

One other thought that i just cannot shake, is that i wish to god that we had kids. We have talked about it so often, and were trying for a baby last year, my husband was so excited and used to always talk about what my little babies would look like. I cant help think that we might not be going through this if we had kids, I had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, and this situation just really brings it all back, not that i ever ever forgot. I know that it is prob best we dont have kids in light of our current situation, but i guess its human nature to yearn for it. 

I cannot even let myself think about it often as i know it could drag me down, its heartbreaking. all of it. In one sweep, i feel i have lost my past, present and future. My husband is my life. But i cannot afford to allow myself to stop living, i have joined the gym, i have filled my cupboard with healthy foods, im going away with a girlfriend for 2 days, and i am also taking a country break next week with my mum. At home, every picture, item of clothing, cereal in cupbaord brings back a million memories, often i feel the need to get out, but i get out and immediately want to get back home, i feel so safe there. 

I will stop rambling now, thanks again for your support. I appreciate more than you will ever now. 

x


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

confused2301 said:


> Hi Blossom,
> Yes I have told family and friends. It is at the point where it cannot be denied unfortunately. I am holding onto a sliver of hope but that is fading. However I will not give up. I feel your pain, trust me. One thing I will say, is when/if your hubby returns to talk, give it a chance, take it slow. Maybe even continue on working on the marriage while apart. I know with me, during my husbands confusion (he went back and forth for a while) when he did express trying to work on it, I fell back into old patterns, overly expressed my love for him, etc. This pushed him away again because he felt guilty by not feeling the same right away. Anyways, the best thing for both of us is to work on ourselves, keep busy, etc.
> 
> I hope it works out for you. I won't lie, and as you probably know, this is the worst...the suffering is unbearable.



Your advice has stayed in my mind since i first read it. You are so right. I so feel the need to tell my husband just how loved he is and how much i think we can make it work, but your advice has mostly prevented me from doing it, and i am so grateful for that. Im glad that you have been able to tell friends and family, although, i can only imagine just how difficult that must have been, In fact, the thought of it makes me crumble. I really hope that you are doing ok. How are you getting on with the 'keeping busy' thing? i am trying, got a few days away etc, but i am having to really push myself, it would be so easy right now to just stay home and surround myself with all things familiar. take care, be kind to your heart xx


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Blossom, 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am going through something similar except, unfortunately, an OW is involved. 

WH and I have been separated over 3 months now. I was devastated but found solace in the 180 and in rediscovering ME. And, I must admit, I am falling in love (again) with the ME that I had abandoned so long ago in favor of my marriage. 

So continue to work on you, pray, and live your life. That is what is most important.


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Blossom,
> 
> I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am going through something similar except, unfortunately, an OW is involved.
> 
> ...



Thanks Imstill here. Im really sorry that your also going through this nightmare. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you, especially with an OW involved. 

Im so glad that your rediscovering yourself, you give me hope that i may do the same. I am frightened to do the 180, but i think im fearful of everything right now, so i might as well just do it. Good for you for spending time on yourself. Did you feel guilty when in the early stages of seperation for looking after yourself? my husband has been having 'space' for 5/6 weeks now, and i find that i feel guilty if i am normal for a moment or do something for myself, but i am realising that taking care of myself is now a necessity. thanks for your support, i hope that things are as ok as can be for you. xx


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Blossom, thanks for sharing your story. I too can relate very much to the sense of losing your past, present and future, as well as feeling that you just got past a tough period and were just about to reap the benefits. I too am beyond ready to have kids, I am almost 34. These are difficult to let go. I am trying to focus not on the good things I am losing, but the bad things...can you name a few things that you are not sorry to see go? Also, what about the 180 scares you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I am 33, six weeks into a separation I did not want. Everything you write could have been written by me! I hope you know how normal you are -- this is -- and that you are not alone!
> 
> Thanks myself, i feel so abnormal right now. TAM is helping though.
> 
> ...


Its strange really, i feel so odd. Numb almost, but then i get these sweeping overwhelming moments where i feel like i cant go on. But yes, there are moments when i dust myself off and start again and convince myself that i will make it thru to the end of the day! i struggle to even think beyond that at the moment. But i will say that as bad as i feel right now, i am recognising that i was feeling pretty crappy even before my husband took some space. I was trying so hard to do everything perfectly and was constantly looking for approval and praise from him, and i never really got it. I think it was his way of detaching, because he knew what was coming. 

x


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> Its strange really, i feel so odd. Numb almost, but then i get these sweeping overwhelming moments where i feel like i cant go on. But yes, there are moments when i dust myself off and start again and convince myself that i will make it thru to the end of the day! i struggle to even think beyond that at the moment. But i will say that as bad as i feel right now, i am recognising that i was feeling pretty crappy even before my husband took some space. I was trying so hard to do everything perfectly and was constantly looking for approval and praise from him, and i never really got it. I think it was his way of detaching, because he knew what was coming.
> 
> x


Yep, I know that feeling of looking for something he won't give you...and yes, the awful detachment that you often don't realize is happening until he leaves. I think it is important to go back to the 180...what are you afraid of? I ask because until you acknowledge it, you won't be able to take a step toward doing it. And it really is the best thing to get you moving forward in a healthy way. So if you don't mind, please share. Hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Blossom, thanks for sharing your story. I too can relate very much to the sense of losing your past, present and future, as well as feeling that you just got past a tough period and were just about to reap the benefits. I too am beyond ready to have kids, I am almost 34. These are difficult to let go. I am trying to focus not on the good things I am losing, but the bad things...can you name a few things that you are not sorry to see go? Also, what about the 180 scares you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thanks myself, im sorry your in this situation too. Its the worst thing i have ever been through and i truly would not wish this on my worst enemy. I just feel such a sense of loss at the moment. its almost like im living phone call to phone call, always waiting in limbo. But for the time being thats ok, if it means i get my husband back thats fine, BUT, i will be changing myself back to the old me in the meantime. I have become so caught up in trying to fix things by being perfect (and failing at it) that i really stopped looking after myself.

One of the hardest things is that we do not have a family. But i am hopeful that one day it will happen with my husband, i suppose, i always always assumed he would be the father of my children, and to suddenly have a question mark over that was heartbreaking. I totally understand your pain with this issue, its impossible to explain the feeling, because your sad abt something that was never there but that seemed real? i dont know if that makes sense! But as time is going on, i guess i am less concerned about that, and am more concerned that i want things to resolve and reunite. What will be will be.

I think that you are really sensible and logical to try think about the traits/behaviours that your not going to miss, its all too easy to look back with rose tinted glasses. My problem, is that i have always known things that i felt dissapointed in, but i have always been prepared to accept.

The thing that scares me about the 180 is i suppose i feel im losing control. But i dont have any anyway. I am completely out of control of this situation. but the no contact, altho i recognise is totally whats needed, i guess im frightened of even thinking of moving ahead, as the future is so uncertain. I know that the 180 is all about regaining some control and looking out for myself, but i feel like im giving up? x


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Yep, I know that feeling of looking for something he won't give you...and yes, the awful detachment that you often don't realize is happening until he leaves. I think it is important to go back to the 180...what are you afraid of? I ask because until you acknowledge it, you won't be able to take a step toward doing it. And it really is the best thing to get you moving forward in a healthy way. So if you don't mind, please share. Hugs!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks myself. I think im overanalysing absolutely everything at the moment, and my fear of the 180 is that altho it will help me, i am still in the mode of wanting to do anything at all to fix this. I know im such a contradiction at the moment because i am aware that aside from presenting the old me, vibrant, fun, good company, there is not much in my control to show my husband what he will be missing. He needs to miss me, and the 180 may help with that, but im afraid it is making it even easier for him to just walk away if im honest. x


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> Thanks Imstill here. Im really sorry that your also going through this nightmare. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you, especially with an OW involved.
> 
> Im so glad that your rediscovering yourself, you give me hope that i may do the same. I am frightened to do the 180, but i think im fearful of everything right now, so i might as well just do it. Good for you for spending time on yourself. Did you feel guilty when in the early stages of seperation for looking after yourself? my husband has been having 'space' for 5/6 weeks now, and i find that i feel guilty if i am normal for a moment or do something for myself, but i am realising that taking care of myself is now a necessity. thanks for your support, i hope that things are as ok as can be for you. xx



I didn't feel really guilty about taking time for myself. In fact, I learned very quickly that that had been missing from my life pre-separation. My primary guilt came from the embarrassment that I felt as a BS who had been left for someone who--for all intents and purposes--was quite a few "steps-down" from me. Apparently, that's what my WH preferred as she made him "feel good" (his words) about himself. He has low self-esteem/self-worth.

Anyway, I came to realize that there is no need to be embarrassed as he is the one who left all of the comforts of home for her love shack, including taking care of _her_ two kids. And karma has really come back hard as he now acknowledges that he is not happy. Duh...the fantasy is over now that you have to live in reality with her everyday.

I have said in other threads that I want to try for R. But I am prepared to move on...with or without him. So that's why I continue focus on me. As you said, it *is* a necessity. 

You can't make your husband do anything that he is not prepared to do. So, in the meantime, find some new hobbies (I'm learning to play the guitar!), go dancing, exercise...do all of the things that you want or always wanted to do. Enjoy life as best as you can.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

" its almost like im living phone call to phone call, always waiting in limbo. But for the time being thats ok, if it means i get my husband back thats fine, BUT, i will be changing myself back to the old me in the meantime."

It is not ok. There is always a chance he will come back. The is a chance he will not. But what we all know for SURE, is that limbo is absolute hell. By cutting off contact with him, YOU take the power back...not to show him, but to show yourself that you do in fact have control over your own life. At any given time your relationship is either getting better or worse. Nothing stays still. No matter how much you love him or want him to be with you, if he does not make the effort you need (counseling, coming home, etc) then he is not investing in your relationship and over time it will become weaker. Our natural response is to want to hold onto it for dear life. But when we do, we push our spouses away even faster. Proven fact. 

" I know that the 180 is all about regaining some control and looking out for myself, but i feel like im giving up"
I know, it isn't easy. I feel your pain here. Please know though that you can't change him. You can't will him to come home or take the steps to reconcile. I know that my ex is a quitter...I actually changed his name in my phone to this, and now it makes me smile...once I realized that he would always be a quitter, I was able to regain some of my power. I am not a quitter. I am not weak like him. I will process my emotions in a healthy, equator, heal, and go on to have a fulfilling marriage someday with someone who deserves me. Going no contact is not giving up because you never had the ability to change the situation in the first place.

I know all of this is hard to accept. Boy, do I know. I still have a hard time with it. But after 7 weeks, I am starting to see small changes in my outlook. I am rarely bothered that I don't ever see or jewel from him. I miss him, but I don't yearn to be with him because he has hurt me deeply. I have accepted that by keeping in contact with me in the beginning of our separation, he was just trying to feel less guilty over abandoning me. I am becoming more comfortable living alone, even though I do not like it, and I have memories attached to every little thing in my home. Working on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> Thanks myself. I think im overanalysing absolutely everything at the moment, and my fear of the 180 is that altho it will help me, i am still in the mode of wanting to do anything at all to fix this. I know im such a contradiction at the moment because i am aware that aside from presenting the old me, vibrant, fun, good company, there is not much in my control to show my husband what he will be missing. He needs to miss me, and the 180 may help with that, but im afraid it is making it even easier for him to just walk away if im honest. x



You are a fixer, savior, mender, KSA (knight in shining armor) like so many of us BS/LS here on TAM. So the fact that your situation feels so out of control is almost unbearable. And you constantly try to figure out a solution that works. But, the reality is that you can't, because the solution lies with the WS/DS who is totally unrecognizable at this point. Yes, it is nerve-wracking!!! But you must push it aside and focus on what you _can_ control...YOU!


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I know that my ex is a quitter...I actually changed his name in my phone to this, and now it makes me smile...once I realized that he would always be a quitter, I was able to regain some of my power. I am not a quitter. I am not weak like him.


I love that you changed his name to quitter! Good for you! :smthumbup:


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> I love that you changed his name to quitter! Good for you! :smthumbup:


Thanks! It actually says "Quitter!!! Liar!!!"  got a text today about bills in response to a question I asked like a week ago, and I did a double take. It definitely helps not to look at his name...I feel so much anger, sadness and love when I see it. Yuck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

The weekends are brutal for me too..... aagghh


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> I didn't feel really guilty about taking time for myself. In fact, I learned very quickly that that had been missing from my life pre-separation. My primary guilt came from the embarrassment that I felt as a BS who had been left for someone who--for all intents and purposes--was quite a few "steps-down" from me. Apparently, that's what my WH preferred as she made him "feel good" (his words) about himself. He has low self-esteem/self-worth.
> 
> Anyway, I came to realize that there is no need to be embarrassed as he is the one who left all of the comforts of home for her love shack, including taking care of _her_ two kids. And karma has really come back hard as he now acknowledges that he is not happy. Duh...the fantasy is over now that you have to live in reality with her everyday.
> 
> ...


You sound so strong, I really admire that. I am working on it and although I'm no longer in floods of tears when I speak to my husband, i hold it together until I get off phone. The no contact thing is hell for me, we have always been the type of couple who speak many times each day. I have gone for a few days without speaking during this period but one of us always seems to initiate it. But I am hoping I will find strength and now will leave it to him to contact me. I'm not helping by calling him, but sometimes I've needed to regarding bills etc. 

New hobby ideas anyone? Well I adore cooking, but its not quite the same for one! And I also am starting to try shed a few pounds, my self esteem and waistline both will benefit. I might try zumba, wanted to for a while but never quite got there x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> " its almost like im living phone call to phone call, always waiting in limbo. But for the time being thats ok, if it means i get my husband back thats fine, BUT, i will be changing myself back to the old me in the meantime."
> 
> It is not ok. There is always a chance he will come back. The is a chance he will not. But what we all know for SURE, is that limbo is absolute hell. By cutting off contact with him, YOU take the power back...not to show him, but to show yourself that you do in fact have control over your own life. At any given time your relationship is either getting better or worse. Nothing stays still. No matter how much you love him or want him to be with you, if he does not make the effort you need (counseling, coming home, etc) then he is not investing in your relationship and over time it will become weaker. Our natural response is to want to hold onto it for dear life. But when we do, we push our spouses away even faster. Proven fact.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your honest advice. I know you are right and I know that I'm at a point where I need to regain some control, for my own sake.but also for any chances of reconciliation. At the moment I'm still yearning for him all the time, but its not helping me and I have to come up with some coping mechanisms and strategies. My biggest fear is that I don't give him space and he walks away and I would always regret not giving him time and space to miss me. I guess 180 it is. Wish me luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> You are a fixer, savior, mender, KSA (knight in shining armor) like so many of us BS/LS here on TAM. So the fact that your situation feels so out of control is almost unbearable. And you constantly try to figure out a solution that works. But, the reality is that you can't, because the solution lies with the WS/DS who is totally unrecognizable at this point. Yes, it is nerve-wracking!!! But you must push it aside and focus on what you _can_ control...YOU!


Exactly, wow, I do spend every day working out what I can do, how I can fix it and I seem to go through every scenario of what might happen. It only hurts me more. I feel like I'm suddenly waking up to the fact that the only part of this horrible situation I can actually control is me. I know I need to start working on it now. So today will be my first 180 day. I have bought myself some pamper items and am giving myself a pedicure! I go away with a girlfriend tom for a few days, I'm hoping I will enjoy it.have any of you got any experiences of the 180 that you can share with me X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> The weekends are brutal for me too..... aagghh


I find the weekends the worst. Its normally our time, not that we have spent much time together pre-space! He was so busy ...avoiding me sadly. X 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

I would really appreciate your opinions on something. I haver recently graduated as a nurse and have been offered 4 jobs. Two are really busy challenging (more money)and two are slower paced, within my comfot zone. No pressure etc. I have to decide by monday. I have days where I feel like taking on a challenge, as low as I feel, I've always been a fighter and I've always gone for the hardest option, but days like yesterday, I don't know how I would do it. I suppose you just have to dig deep and get on with it. I don't know if the challenge will keep me busy and occupied or should I give myself a break and just go for the easier option. X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> Exactly, wow, I do spend every day working out what I can do, how I can fix it and I seem to go through every scenario of what might happen. It only hurts me more. I feel like I'm suddenly waking up to the fact that the only part of this horrible situation I can actually control is me. I know I need to start working on it now. So today will be my first 180 day. I have bought myself some pamper items and am giving myself a pedicure! I go away with a girlfriend tom for a few days, I'm hoping I will enjoy it.have any of you got any experiences of the 180 that you can share with me X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's good you are pampering yourself and getting out of town for a little while. Once I started the 180 (I went completely dark one month into our separation), I went through a bit of withdrawal. It's natural. But I had to force myself not to reach for the phone to call or text him. Now, 3 months later, I don't get the urge nearly as often. I still miss him daily. But it passes within a few minutes and I continue with life. Have you been to IC? That has helped me tremendously.

Here are some of the things that I have done during my 180: My WH is a picky eater, while there aren't too many foods that I will not eat. So I started cooking the things that I liked...food that he would never eat...and enjoying it. I know a lot of people don't like to be alone. But I went to the movies, ate dinners at restaurants, went for walks, went shopping, exercised, read books, traveled, all by myself. It's like I was "dating" myself. That's why I said earlier that I am falling in love with me again. 

You can do the same thing, too; that is, find what makes you happy and _do it_. 

As for your job opportunities (congrats, by the way on all 4 offers!!), only you can make the decision regarding what kind of work and how much work you are willing to do. I always find it beneficial to write down a list of pros/cons and progress from there. You are in the fortunate position to _choose_ which job you want. Think it over and take a leap of faith. You will land where you are supposed to be. 

Good luck with your decision and living the 180! :smthumbup:


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

Hey everyone

I just came on her to reacquaint myself with the rules of 180 which you kindly provided me with. I hope you all are doing ok, I am having good days and bad days, had a particularly horrendous couple of weekends, and its still a work in progress. 

I have however, learnt not to call/text unless absolutely necessary. altho there are moments i am desperate just to talk to my husband, i am learning that its best i dont at the moment, firstly, for the sake of him having space, and secondly, i recognise that it just hurts me and whilst im not at a stage where i accept that i am worth more than this, i am now confident that i dont deserve this. Which i suppose is progress. 

I am going to take another look at the 180 to try spur me on again, i start a new job tom, so i know that is going to keep me busy also. 

Hope your all getting on ok. xx


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> It's good you are pampering yourself and getting out of town for a little while. Once I started the 180 (I went completely dark one month into our separation), I went through a bit of withdrawal. It's natural. But I had to force myself not to reach for the phone to call or text him. Now, 3 months later, I don't get the urge nearly as often. I still miss him daily. But it passes within a few minutes and I continue with life. Have you been to IC? That has helped me tremendously.
> 
> Here are some of the things that I have done during my 180: My WH is a picky eater, while there aren't too many foods that I will not eat. So I started cooking the things that I liked...food that he would never eat...and enjoying it. I know a lot of people don't like to be alone. But I went to the movies, ate dinners at restaurants, went for walks, went shopping, exercised, read books, traveled, all by myself. It's like I was "dating" myself. That's why I said earlier that I am falling in love with me again.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much imstillhere. My mum is encouraging me to try counselling, i just dont know if im ready to open up all that emotion and heartbreak. But i know that one day, it will be a good idea for me to give it a go. I love that you now eat foods your oh didnt like, it gave me the urge to go buy lots of foods that i stopped buying! i have chosen my job and i start tom, i have gone for the middle option, room for career progression when im ready, but hopefully comfortable whilst im going thru all this. 

I had been telling my hubby that i wanted to go to new york for my 30th (Im in the UK), which is this december, and he was saying yes but i realise now why he didnt plan/make arrangements etc. I have decided that i will be going, even if it is alone, i cant bear the thought of being 30 without him and being at home but also, i wanted to go and i am determined i will. Have decided im staying in the Plaza and will be booking it this month. I hope im able to adapt as well as you have, your doing really well and i take inspiration from your courage.

thanks for your support

xx


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

blossom29 said:


> Thanks so much imstillhere. My mum is encouraging me to try counselling, i just dont know if im ready to open up all that emotion and heartbreak. But i know that one day, it will be a good idea for me to give it a go. I love that you now eat foods your oh didnt like, it gave me the urge to go buy lots of foods that i stopped buying! i have chosen my job and i start tom, i have gone for the middle option, room for career progression when im ready, but hopefully comfortable whilst im going thru all this.
> 
> I had been telling my hubby that i wanted to go to new york for my 30th (Im in the UK), which is this december, and he was saying yes but i realise now why he didnt plan/make arrangements etc. I have decided that i will be going, even if it is alone, i cant bear the thought of being 30 without him and being at home but also, i wanted to go and i am determined i will. Have decided im staying in the Plaza and will be booking it this month. I hope im able to adapt as well as you have, your doing really well and i take inspiration from your courage.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your kind words, Blossom!

I believe that IC for me has been a huge deterrent to major depression. I've declined any medication thus far, but the talks with my therapist have been priceless. So, I definitely agree with your mum that you should go. Of course, do so when you are ready. 

And I am glad that you are pursuing your trip to NYC. The Plaza is in a great location! I'm sure that you will enjoy your trip. 

Good luck on your first day of work tomorrow! :smthumbup:


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I honestly don't think any couple can say they have the same "love/feelings" they had when they were courting. It changes from a puppy love phase to either deeper meaning or something else not as deep. Marriage and relationships take work you don't just keep all the warm and fuzzies...
You are doing the right thing though by letting him miss you but I pray that you are able to handle the outcome good or bad. You sound like a great person it might be a good idea to find something constructive on the weekends to do for yourself and if he calls dont be so quick to let him know your available he has to learn that he can't just use to as a convience or whenever he wants.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Congrats on your job offers! That is excellent news. I am in the midst of career change and a divorce, it is a double blow. We are in a similar situation. I am 28 years old and the "dumpee" in a failed marriage. We have been together for 10 years.

My STBX is also 28 yrs old. I supported him (by relocating to a new state) when he was in grad. school. I didn't go to grad. school and had undiagnosed ADHD. I stagnated at a string of jobs for YEARS, meanwhile he got a good and solid career set-up. I had jobs that were not at all a good fit for me, just had to do them for money. I was stressed and miserable, bringing home the misery. 

My husband has been in IC for 2 yrs and is very bitter I didn't treat my ADHD earlier. He has what I joke around and call ASS(attention surplus syndrome) noticing every defect in everything, the epitome of an editor (his career).

He bought me out of the condo b/c I couldn't afford it. It ****ing sucks that I have to re-locate during this disaster. I earn less than $11 an hour at all three of my jobs. I've just been accepted into Grad. school for teaching a state away from where I live now. My family (who lives several states away) IS NOT supportive of me going into teaching (paranoid about lack of jobs) and sends many unwanted and negative text messages and phone calls re: how my husband only viewed it as a "starter" marriage and I should have studied teaching in Undergrad and how it is "too late", they STILE me even though they think it is helping. 

I am going through the most traumatic experience of my life and my family is not really concerned with what I need, just concerned with "parenting" me and trying to make choices for me. I cry everyday about two times a day and can not make decisions at all right now, I think I've become clinically depressed. I am seeing a counselor. It is helping only a little.

I feel SO lost and alone.


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Thanks for your kind words, Blossom!
> 
> I believe that IC for me has been a huge deterrent to major depression. I've declined any medication thus far, but the talks with my therapist have been priceless. So, I definitely agree with your mum that you should go. Of course, do so when you are ready.
> 
> ...


Hi Imstillhere, once again thanks for your invaluable advice. I think i have decided that i am going to give IC a go. I think i prob need to work through my own feelings, but havent took the plunge quite yet and booked an appt. Its a british stiff upper lip kind of thing! but im not afraid to seek help in places i otherwise woldnt have considered, who knows, it may be just what i need. 

First day of work was craazy, it was really hard, meeting new people, them asking how long id been married, do we have kids etc etc etc, but its over with now and i can just concentrate on getting through each day.

Hope your having a good week so far xx


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

sculley said:


> I honestly don't think any couple can say they have the same "love/feelings" they had when they were courting. It changes from a puppy love phase to either deeper meaning or something else not as deep. Marriage and relationships take work you don't just keep all the warm and fuzzies...
> You are doing the right thing though by letting him miss you but I pray that you are able to handle the outcome good or bad. You sound like a great person it might be a good idea to find something constructive on the weekends to do for yourself and if he calls dont be so quick to let him know your available he has to learn that he can't just use to as a convience or whenever he wants.


:iagree: totally agree sculley, when i married my husband, i honestly believed i couldnt love him anymore, but i do, each and every day in a completely different way. People say that but dont quite mean it, but i truly truly do. Alot of people over the years have commented on the love between my husband and i, people have always said they can really see how much we love each other, which i guess is what makes this so hard and sad. 

Im taking your advice about the weekend thing, i have arranged to meet friends etc in an attempt to keep myself busy. I pray that the lord is kind to both of our hearts. I pray that his will be done, (i do hope his will is to get us back together tho ). Thanks so much for your advice xx


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## blossom29 (May 19, 2012)

sadsoul101 said:


> We are in a similar situation. I am 28 years old and the "dumpee" in a failed marriage. We have been together for 10 years.
> 
> My STBX is also 28 yrs old. I supported him (by relocating to a new state) when he was in grad. school. I didn't go to grad. school and had undiagnosed ADHD. I stagnated at a string of jobs for YEARS, meanwhile he got a good and solid career set-up. I had jobs that were not at all a good fit for me, just had to do them for money. I was stressed and miserable, bringing home the misery.
> 
> ...


Sadsoul, i am so very sad to read your post, i wish there was something i could do to ease your pain, but i cant. 

All i can say is that i have some horrendous days, where the pain is unreal, i cannot even describe it, but please believe that somewhere along the line, you will have good moments. It does get easier. 

I find i am having some good days some bad days each week, the sadness never leaves me, i feel a massive void in my life, lost, afraid, heartbroken, devastated, but i also have some moments where im able to laugh and im able to have some normality. 

Be kind to yourself, look after yourself, and dont put too much pressure on your heart. All will be ok. Though this feels like the end of the world and ive felt like i was going to die with the pain, i keep in mind a quote from a book i am reading, "though the pain is the worst imaginable, this WILL NOT kill you, you are not going to die because of this, give it time". Sounds a bit dramatic, but in the darkest moments, that has kept me going.

You sound like youve really supported your husband, and maybe like me, put your own needs on hold to enable his. Im sorry that your family are not supportive, i cant imagine how difficult that must be. Have they always been this way towards you or is it only since your marriage difficulties? 

You are most definitely not too old to retrain and graduate, go for it, grab it with both hands and run with it. It will give you something to focus on, and gives you a reason to get up and out every day. Please dont give up on it because of other peoples negative attitudes. I decided to go to medical school, i supported my husband through re training, and thankfully, he is a good man and supported me also, i graduated in April. 

Numerous people have told me that its so important to focus on me right now, and you need to do the same. Weeks ago, i never ever thought i would be able to focus on me ever again, i still have off days, but i realise now THAT ALL I CAN DO is focus on me. It will all come right in the end, one way or another, you will get through this. You are not alone, the advice and support from this forum is staggering, so many kind hearted people who simply listen when you need it and offer their advice, come on here as often as you can. Keep in touch xx


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