# Wife angry because i'm 15 minutes late.



## aieslyn (Jul 9, 2017)

Hi all,

I am a bit confused about a small argument I had with my wife.

I went to the laundry to drop off our clothes, the entire journey usually takes 3 minutes to leave and come back.

Before I left my wife asked me to be quick and just drop off the washing because we have to bath our 9 month old baby and put her to bed by 7:30pm.

However, on my way back I encountered my next door neighbour (a recent male tenant), and we introduced ourselves and had a short chat which took no longer than 15 minutes.

When I got back home, my wife was upset because I had left my phone at home and she couldn't contact me and because I had been gone close to 20 minutes for a trip that should be 3 minutes total. She said that her mother and her had been waiting for me to return to bath the baby. During my time away the baby had dirtied her diaper and my wife had waited for me to come back to change her because she thought I would only be a few more minutes, it turns out because of my chat I was longer than expected.

She was very upset and crying because she claims I don't communicate before there is a problem, if I am already late or know I am going to be late. She says that during the time she is waiting for me to return, not knowing why I am taking so long she freaks out and imagines the worst explanation. I don't think that I need to tell her if I am late or going to be late and I see this as a restriction of my freedom. 

We have a back history where I have been late often and left her waiting and wondering and this has been a recurring issue in our relationship. 

In this situation who do you think is in the right and how can this issue be resolved?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife?

Why couldn't your wife give the baby a bath by herself? That part just sees silly.

You say that you are late often. What are the circumstances of you being late? How many minutes/hours late are you typically?

If your wife is waiting for you, and you are late, you are wasting your wife's time. You talk about your freedom of movement, how about her freedom of movement? If you are late, she ends up wasting her time waiting for you. Doesn't that infringe on her freedom of movement?

It is common curtesy for a person to call and tell the one waiting for them that they will be late. You not calling her to let her know when you will be late is rude and disrespectful.

If your wife were here posting about your habit of being late, she would be advised to give you 5 to 10 minutes. If you do not show up, she should just do whatever she wants. For example, she should leave the house and go do out with a female friend, or go shopping, whatever she wants to do. Why should she waste her time waiting for you when you have so little respect for her that you cannot even let her know when you will be there.


.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Either your wife is insane or your chronic lateness has pushed her over the edge.
(My guess is the problem is the latter.)
Even 15 minutes late can be irritating if it happens all the time. 
It's disrespectful and all around not attractive.
I don't say this to hurt you: I say this as a woman who's late quite often herself.

Was it your turn to bathe the baby?
Is this your first child?
It sounds like she was counting on you to be there, regardless of the reason and you let her down.
Maybe she just wanted 15 minutes of peace while you bathed the baby, who knows.

All we DO know is that you are late.
A lot.

You have a baby.
And a wife.
And, you're a MAN
It's not a restriction of your freedom to be on time.
It's respectful and your JOB.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Either your wife is insane or your chronic lateness has pushed her over the edge.
> (My guess is the problem is the latter.)
> Even 15 minutes late can be irritating if it happens all the time.
> It's disrespectful and all around not attractive.
> ...


Unlike you, I am on time. Always.

Unlike you, I don't see this as the OP's "Job"--to help bathe a baby with a woman who also has her mother present to help. Geez, six hands for one little baby? Helpful yes...but it wasn't his fault the kid pooped...and they waited for him to clean it up? (Posting not really clear.) Kinda sounds like an episode of "Absolutely Fabulous."

This poor bastard slips the leash for 15 minutes, and you give him a verbal newspaper swat to the muzzle. 

Nope. OP ... you can be an inconsiderate lout who places a friendly chat with a stranger above the needs of your wife and child, but in this case, your wife is BSC...probably acting out in front of, or because of her mother's presence. And, she may be running on postpartum fumes too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

23cm said:


> Unlike you, I am on time. Always.
> 
> Unlike you, I don't see this as the OP's "Job"--to help bathe a baby with a woman who also has her mother present to help. Geez, six hands for one little baby? Helpful yes...but it wasn't his fault the kid pooped...and they waited for him to clean it up? (Posting not really clear.) Kinda sounds like an episode of "Absolutely Fabulous."
> 
> ...


I agree that the one spat about him talking to the neighbor and the wife waiting to clean and bath the baby is just silly of her.

What I and others have addressed is that the OP admits that he is often late and feels that he has no obligation every to let his wife know when he's going to be late... ever.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

my late mother in law was ALWAYS late. We would have tickets to an event and by the time we got there we would be 15 -30 minutes late. SO, I started telling the family that the event started 30 minutes before it did. We were NEVER late from that moment on.

I have a rule in business. I give the person exactly 20 minutes. If they aren't there and haven't called, I leave. Do that just once, and that person will never be late again without calling. 

AND, I do that with the doctors also... unless I'm deathly sick... then there an exception to the rule.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Post partum depression?


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## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

I suppose if you were a dependably on time guy... then being 15-20 minutes late wouldn't probably be a big deal. But since you are late often 20 minutes will be a big deal! My advice... keep your phone with you, be on time, and call when you are past 5 minutes late or when you realize you will be late!!! Another tactic, courtesy of a marriage counselor, is to give a (reasonable) window of time... tell your wife that you plan to be home "between 6 and 6:20." etc. 

Your wife leaving the baby in a dirty diaper waiting for bath is passive. And really the baby suffered the consequence. Im sure there was a better way to do this...


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

She's on the edge. Any little thing is going to push her right over. Time to show her some comfort, but also let her know that craziness won't be tolerated. If you cave to crazy and apologize until you're blue in the face, that plants a little seed in her brain saying "my crazy actions = a repentant, apologetic husband". Nip it in the bud now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

aieslyn said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I am a bit confused about a small argument I had with my wife.
> 
> ...


Well there you have it, you created the problem with your tardiness and lack of responsibility and now you have a wife who does not trust nor believe you. I think you would need to take you phone and be responsible and when you say something follow through and be a man of your word. Unfortunately, too many men are not men of their word, which to them is nothing much but to a woman, makes them a liar. Liars and trust do not go together. Marriage and lack of trust also do not go together.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I'd tell her to go pound sand and not give it 2 thoughts honestly.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

A lot can happen in 15 minutes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

xMadame said:


> A lot can happen in 15 minutes.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


exactly. and what is really the telling thing here (to me anyway) is her massive OVER REACTION to the measly 20 minutes you were gone to run an errand. she cried and made a mountain out of it? seriously? how about "hey honey, what happened, thought you would be back in just a few?"

sounds like immature selfish and controlling behavior to me. 

sure.....OK in the past you have been late....ok fine. we aren't talking about a business meeting or dinner date here...I mean my god you went to run an errand and had a chat with a neighbor? give me a break. 

good luck.....you are going to need it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you late all the time?

Why didn't you just give the baby the bath before you left? If you expect your wife to time your escapades, I wouldn't set anything up for happening afterward, which just adds more fuel to the fire.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

She was wrong for leaving the baby in a dirty diaper. Although that said, if I knew you'd be home in a matter of 2 or 3 minutes to bathe the baby, 
I'm not so sure I'd put on a fresh diaper, either. But if you still werent home after that time, I'd change the diaper, figuring the laundry place was busy. 

You were wrong for not bringing your phone with you. Doesn't matter if the place is 3 minutes away, what if you were in a wreck? That phone could come in handy to call for help, and take pics of the damage. My bf leaves home w/out his cell alot for short trips and it makes me mad because of those very reasons. You never know what could happen in those 2 or 3 minutes. I worry until he's safely back home.

I can't blame her for being mad at you since you have a history of being late. Tighten it up and respect others' time. It's disrespectful and rude to be chronically late.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

I'd guess many elements with this dynamic. 

Everyone one covered pretty much all of it. Likely a mix of much of it

May also be a bit of a female **** test. 

Solidify in your mind that your wife and family as priority over reacting and letting an encounter with a new neighbor over that of your family. Have an strong presence of mind that your wife and child are a priority in your life. 

Example - if my wife and MIL are in a room together and I show up, I kiss my wife first before acknowledging the MIL, Same with my own family. They all know my wife comes first in my life. 

Start making those adjustments on your side. You cannot control your wife, only you. I get a feeling you can step up a bit as man of the family and start showing leadership and prioritize. 

Never put her on a pedestal. Id reassure her she is yours and only yours. Give her reassurance. Learn her Love Languages and pay attention.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@dadstartingover.com

Please check your private messages.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

While I think she over-reacted a bit, I think that your wife was right in expecting you to get back when she wanted you back. You can talk to your new neighbor anytime, you had responsibilities to your family you were neglecting. You have to start addressing your lateness issues immediately or your wife will walk.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The poor kid, already being used as a tool for manipulation because of resentment. *sigh*


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

What did you guys do before we became slaves to mobile technology?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

You were not late, it is quite normal to have a quick chat with a neighbour if he happens to be on your route. It would be rude to ignore him. We have enough stress in the workplace to wear us down, At home, time pressures are totally out of order.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife is often late. When she says she will be back in 5 minutes, I know it could easily be 15 minutes. If our baby pooped its pants, I would change the diaper knowing it might be a while before she returned.

After 30 years, you get used to someone that is chronically late. Yes, I agree it is rude. But at a certain point you have to accept people as they are. A ton of stress/fights have happened over the years due to her being late. Not anymore, I just know we will be late often. I too have used the "we need to be there by 5pm story" to ensure we get there by 5:30.

So yes, he shouldn't have been late. But she knows he is often late, so she shouldn't have left the baby in poopy diapers. If it was his time to bath the baby, then it would be reasonable to leave that job for when he returned.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Your wife may be suffering from post partum depression and may not be aware of it. You seem to be a bit passive agressive with the recurrent need to be late. You two need to communicate better and be more considerate of one another. If you are frequently late, your child shouldn't be neglected with a soiled diaper. You two need to talk about that. That baby's well being comes first, her issues next, and then yours. 

You have some serious communication problems. Couples counseling will help you two get on the right track. Her talking to her gyno about possible depression or feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of a baby is also necessary. Eliminate any possible threats to you and your family's well being. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. You two need it. You may be feeling overwhelmed with the parenting too. Did your tardiness begin when she was getting needy or were you always this passive/aggressive? 

How can you leave your phone at home? That is not normal nowadays. We get the keys, purse/wallet and phone always when we go out that door. That is why I think you left the phone at home on purpose. You are rebelling with passive/aggressive tendencies.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't understand why your wife couldn't bath the baby herself? Or her mother could if it was that critical? Or both of them? Ridiculous.

You are incredibly disrespectful by being consistently late though. You have absolutely no regard or respect for other people's time. My mum and husband are both like this and it drives me bonkers.

I now tell them that things start half an hour earlier than they do, so that we get there on time. I figure I can pick my battles...this one is easily solved. Not a hill I wanna die on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

frusdil said:


> I don't understand why your wife couldn't bath the baby herself?


Either a power play to retain control over him or else a show of power to her mama.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Either a power play to retain control over him or else a show of power to her mama.


I wish that the OP would return and give us some more info on the bath thing. I'm wondering why giving the baby a bath was such a big deal. Why couldn't she do it herself?

I also wonder if that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. If he's chronic lateness is much a huge issue.. like how late is he on average? How often is he late? Why is he usually late?

Also I wonder if she has PPD. That's could changes things as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Either a power play to retain control over him or else a show of power to her mama.


Or she is just sick of him being late.

Or there is a very good reason why she needed him to give the baby a bath. 

Since the OP seems to have left, we will never know.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Don't forget her mom probably added some to the fire. If you are late a lot you should try to deal with it but 15 minutes should not be a big deal.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> Or she is just sick of him being late.
> 
> Or there is a very good reason why she needed him to give the baby a bath.
> 
> Since the OP seems to have left, we will never know.


You think he left? I figured he was just running late as usual!


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

leon2100 said:


> my late mother in law was ALWAYS late. We would have tickets to an event and by the time we got there we would be 15 -30 minutes late. SO, I started telling the family that the event started 30 minutes before it did. We were NEVER late from that moment on.
> 
> I have a rule in business. I give the person exactly 20 minutes. If they aren't there and haven't called, I leave. Do that just once, and that person will never be late again without calling.
> 
> AND, I do that with the doctors also... unless I'm deathly sick... then there an exception to the rule.


So true I like how u think


Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

People who are habitually late, or "not on time," are inconsiderate, entitled, self-centered, disrespectful, controlling, thoughtless, unthinking, boorish, and unconcerned about anyone's welfare but their own. Think "Bill Clinton." 

My ex was always late. I was and am, always on time. 

Regardless of the importance of an occasion, she'd be 15 minutes behind schedule...just enough that if everyone else rushed/drove like crazy after her highness made an appearance at the door, the subsequent arrival would not be embarrassing. Her highness...oblivious to everyone else's angst and annoyance.

I once drove off and left her after waiting 20 minutes for her outside a store. Think it helped? Nope. 

She was a hard-wired *****. 

Divorce helped though.


{Note: I fixed your profanity by pass. Do not use cute spellings for profanity. Just spell them out and let the profanity filter take care of them. ~EleGirl }


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

From the post, I gather...

OP's wife is non-trusting: perhaps why OP wasn't able to watch the child while she ran the chore
OP's wife is needy: she demands her husband be home to help with the child, when her mother is already there.
OP's wife is controlling: she sets expectations for her husband's chore that leave him no freedom whatsoever
OP's wife is anxious: she panics when unable to reach OP by phone, or when things deviate slightly from plan

OP is often late: due to poor time management, underestimating timelines, and/or letting unexpected events hinder
OP is trying to please his wife: by making assurances of his timeliness, he wants to make her happy
OP is careless with his cell: he'll forget it without giving this a second thought
OP is inconsiderate: repeat behavior shows that he really doesn't care about how his tardiness affects his wife

---

Look, OP... managing expectations is a common problem in marriage and you need to get better at this. You can't always be late and expect your wife to just deal with it. But by the same token, you can't be micromanaged to the point where your wife is Big Brother. There needs to be a middle ground.

My recommendation: Give yourself a little buffer when you estimate timelines. Keep your phone with you to give your wife updates, should you run late. Actively respond to problems by contacting your wife before you're late, vs. passively responding by waiting for your wife to get upset and contact you. Aim to be a man of your word, and taken ownership when you cannot be. Stop acting like being on time for your wife is unimportant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

23cm said:


> People who are habitually late, or "not on time," are inconsiderate, entitled, self-centered, disrespectful, controlling, thoughtless, unthinking, boorish, and unconcerned about anyone's welfare but their own. Think "Bill Clinton."
> 
> My ex was always late. I was and am, always on time.
> 
> ...


There a few members of my family who are habitually late. It got to the point that I would tell them a time 30 to 60 minutes early so that they would show up on time to things. And for some things, like dinners when everyone brought a dish, I would just tell them to bring the desert. They were usually there in time for desert. So that made sense. We all just stopped holding up dinner for those who could not show up on time. Instead if there was no food left for them, it was their fault.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Wasn't her emotions due to worrying about what could have happened to you? As you said, she was already thinking about worst situations because you were taking long in a 3 minute journey. Not sure how safe your neighborhood is but she wouldn't have any way to know if you were only taking 20 mins top. In her perspective she only knew her husband wasn't coming back yet and something might have happened.

Then maybe there is some resentment for you being often late and perhaps not bothering about it. Maybe this irritated her so she got angry with you besides having worried. It's not very nice to often be late and say that you are free with your time, for the reasons other have mentioned.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> There a few members of my family who are habitually late. It got to the point that *I would tell them a time 30 to 60 minutes early so that they would show up on time to things.* And for some things, like dinners when everyone brought a dish, I would just tell them to bring the desert. They were usually there in time for desert. So that made sense. We all just stopped holding up dinner for those who could not show up on time. Instead if there was no food left for them, it was their fault.


 The problem with this practice is that if they show up on time and your an hour later with dinner from when you told them, it just reinforces their need to be late the next time. The going on without them works like a champ, though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rubix Cubed said:


> The problem with this practice is that if they show up on time and your an hour later with dinner from when you told them, it just reinforces their need to be late the next time. The going on without them works like a champ, though.


Yea, but -- it's been at least 25 years and they have never shown up at the hour earlier time.

>


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