# Dazed and confused...



## kwebb (Jul 6, 2014)

I have no idea where to post this, there are so many issues. I don't know if I'm being selfish due to some crazy mid-life crisis, or if I am just tired of working so hard at marriage. I'm lost, confused, and just a bit angry, and seriously would just love to leave. Where to start…

This is a second marriage for both of us. He is 14 years older than me. My first marriage was to an alcoholic and his to a clinical schizophrenic. We dated lots before we met and married. Both of us were picky and were not necessarily looking for mate. His only child was in college, and my oldest was just married. I still had 4 at home and was more interested in just keeping my house, children and job in order. Where I had time to take care of it all amazes me, but I’m pretty focused and organized. My hubby, not so much. But I liked that he was honest, drug and alcohol free, funny, and had strong family values. We both like and love our in-laws. We both have been through so much in the last 15 years from a missing brother, the death of a young daughter, job loss, his cancer, my cancer… and we stuck it out together. We are good friends, but there are things that make me angry. For the most part, I’m pretty laid back. Family and friends rely on me for wisdom and advice, I am the ‘go to’ person, matriarch, yet I wouldn’t know what to say if someone like me asked me for direction. 

Financially: After his cancer, he chose to retire at 60. I didn’t agree with this decision because we were strapped financially. We took money out of our home to pay bills, and he worked very little during the year he was sick. When he couldn’t pay on the medical bills, they went to collections and collections sued me. In our state if you benefit from a spouses debt, you are responsible. I asked him to fix the problem before I had to go to court. His idea of fix, unbeknownst to me, was to make an arrangement that I would pay $25 a month on a $10k debt. I trusted him when he said it was taken care of, now I have a judgment. My credit was impeccable, his never was. I remember several times trying to take over the bills because he was lax when it came time to pay them. It was an argument; he didn’t need me to do it. He knows how to do it and it was offensive to him that I would even entertain the idea.

Cancer: When he was sick, I did everything. I went to work, took care of kids, took care of things that broke down, maintained the yard work, worked on my own car, took care of the horses, chickens, house work and anything and everything that came up. Additionally, I stayed many nights in the hospital with him because he needed me. I was happy to do it. I went to all his appointments, cared for him at home. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. When I was diagnosed with Stage IV BC, I haven’t been able to depend on him for much of anything. If I need it done, I do it myself. If I ask, he gets grouchy and acts like I am imposing on him. My house... is a mess.

OCD v Hoarder: Hubby has accused me of being OCD. I like a clean home, not a sterile hospital mind you, but clean and tidy. If I have spilled some coffee filling my coffee cup, I immediately wipe it up, I don’t leave it. If I am cooking, I clean as I go along. I believe in putting things away, he leaves things lying around to the point of piling up. When he was gone 2 weeks, I remember not having to do any major housework or clean up. It was a vacation. The yard has more junk laying around than my mind can handle. He refuses to get rid of anything. He won’t clean after himself, I clean after him. Doesn’t matter how sick I am, I have become his maid. I remember when I was diagnosed, the first thing, and I seriously mean the first thing that came to my mind was that my house would become a nightmare and my house plants would die. 

Important to him v important to me: If it isn’t important to him, it doesn’t happen. If I want to go somewhere or do something, we won’t because he doesn’t want to do it. Dancing? He doesn’t like to dance, so unless I’m dancing at weddings or family functions with my sons, daughters, or girlfriends, I don’t get to dance. I mean, he gets pissy if I push to do something I want to do. So I just don’t. And he doesn’t want to do anything I want to do. I mean nothing. If we do anything together, it is his suggestion or something he wants to do. If I need something fixed, like my car, it won’t happen, because it isn’t his car therefore not his priority.

Sex: What sex? Sex was good in the beginning, then waned to once every 2 to 3 months. Discussion got us nowhere. He promised to do more, but did less. He promised to talk to the doctor, but didn’t. When he was diagnosed with cancer, it was nada. But it was the one time I didn’t expect it or think about it. He was sick and he was fighting for his life. 6 ½ years after being clear for cancer, still nothing. He won’t go to the doctor, he won’t take anything for it, and he won’t discuss it. It’s done and over. Three months ago when I was scheduled for a double mastectomy, I told him how nice it would be if he would just make love to my breasts one last time before they were removed. He just said he would try, but he never did. I went into surgery knowing I would never again get to have that. I feel robbed. I might also add, he has never told me that I am sexy or pretty. It doesn’t matter that others tell me how beautiful I am. He just treats me like a good friend. I think about it now, and I believe he has never had any sexual interest. Me, I’d be happy in the sack 3 or more times a week. Some very close friends have suggested I have an affair. I just can’t.

Counseling: We went to marriage counseling after he recovered from his cancer. He treated me as if he was the victim in the whole affair and that I should not have been affected by his cancer because it didn’t happen to me. I knew he did not understand what it was like to be a caregiver and the emotional toll it took on me. I remember while he was in ICU, I got home from work only to find out the washer broke down. That same week, it was the car, the refrigerator, and microwave. I thought I would lose it and called my doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant over the phone. I then proceeded down to the hospital to stay for the evening. If he needed a bath or change of sheets, I did it because he didn’t like strangers touching him. I didn’t mind. I knew it was hard on him. But after all this, I needed him to understand what I went through without him criticizing me and downplaying my role. The Counselor was able to explain this to him. Of course, now he won’t go.

Fact is I don’t see him changing. I want to leave, but being sick leaves me with no way out. I don’t know if there is a way to cope with all this. I don’t know if I should grin and bear it when the stove, again, needs another hour long scrub. Or if I want to go somewhere and he rejects it with that look like I’m forcing him to do the unmentionable. Or I am rejected again if I try to get intimate. Instead, I dream of a clean house and yard. I dream of buying a Harley Davidson Trike and taking trips. Oh wait, even if we sold our house, I still could not afford to live by myself or buy a Harley. Which begs the question, is it me in a mid-life crisis? Am I crazy? In which case, do I just suck it up? I’m just exhausted and don’t want to do this anymore.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, you laid it out pretty well what you wanted. Explain it to him just like you did to us. What can it hurt? 
I hope you get taken care of either way. You're in a hard situation to resolve.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Life is short and it goes by quickly. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your precious life? 

The way I see it - his neglect is a breaking of your marriage vows. Loyalty doesn't mean sticking around and taking whatever someone feels like dishing out. 

You've tried counseling and it sounds like nothing has changed. Take care of yourself FIRST, because he definitely won't. You've already experienced that.

Edited to add: You are not crazy or selfish because you don't want to stay in a sexless marriage where you are expected to be a 24/7 cook, housekeeper, and caretaker to someone who is not only thankless but fiscally irresponsible and combative. 

You take care of him, and he takes care of him, but who takes care of you? You deserve to be desired, cherished, and loved - even if it's only by yourself. Don't settle.


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## RuralMama (Jun 18, 2014)

I am so sorry. You do deserve to be desired, cherished and loved. Have you sat down to have a heart to heart with him? Has there been a way in the past that gets his attention? I am sorry you are sick and pray that you will recover soon. You are not crazy, your dreams and desires are valid. If you want to talk to a counselor, they may have additional advice. 1-800-A-Family. The call is free. Hugs my friend!


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## kwebb (Jul 6, 2014)

It was such a relief to actually talk about it to someone. All this built up inside, I felt like I was going to explode. I haven't really said anything but a couple of things to two friends, but naturally, they are biased.


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