# Is there hope?



## lostinlove1 (May 10, 2010)

I am new to this site and thank you for reading. 

I never thought I would be posting such an issue. I have been with my husband for nearly 19 years married for 10 this year. We have two children our eldest is 17 this year and the little one is 9. My husband and I have had our issues over the years as I am sure is normal. We have been through ups and downs but always seem to have worked through them. My husband is a very private man and has never communicated his feelings, he has come from a tough loved family. 

To cut to the chase Christmas time was very quiet he seemed so distant and not with us mentally. Our eldest moved away for work with his uncle and called 3 days later to discuss coming home he was not coping with being away, i arranged to go to him and have dinner and spend some quality time just the family, my husband was more concerned about what time we would be back as he has committed himself to gym and does not miss one day of it. I lost it and suggested he is not all with us and maybe he needs to take a break, i suggested we draw some money out and he can go away for a little holiday by himself for the remainder of his holidays and find himself. Ever since the lack of communication has been worse. Maybe I insulted him? I was only trying to help. I wrote two letters to him telling him how I feel and how much I love him, i had no response however i do know he read them. 

He finally came to talk to me a week ago, he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted someone to love, i said i love you and he said yeah but you want it in return don't you and i cant see me giving it. My heart broke in half right at that moment. I then said how can you say that after 19 years, and two children, I would understand if i was just a ***** but jeez, he then said well do you think this is easy for me? I said I believe it is a hell of lot easier being on your side of the fence then mine right now. I understand leaving the kids will tear him apart, and he said that going from seeing them daily to once a fortnight will kill him. He also said it would be easier to stay! He then said and I believe out of pitty for me "do you want to give a couple more months" I just fell apart, here he is telling me he wants someone to love and cant see it being me but yet wants to hang around and torture me for a couple of more months?????? 

I am so confused i sat down to discuss it the next night and said we can go two ways with this, one of which is selfish on your part and you can just leave, it will be hard for me as i really do love you and want to see this through, how can i explain it the kids, with still leaving them have respect for their father when i feel so robbed and hurt that he just gave up on me. The other is you stay and care for yourself but spend as much quality time with the kids as you can, no sex, no expectations and shared house responsibilities. I was amazed when he said I would give you the house if i could afford to but im not leaving with nothing, however i dont' want you and the boys to be homeless......I was heart struck, I was not even concerned about the house. 

Our eldest knows there is something seriously wrong going on, and the youngest has asked why i am sleeping in the spare room? This is tearing my apart, i have a nerve rash that has come out and he cracked a joke asking me if i had crabs? (he has a sick sense of humor sometimes) I cant get past the comment that he didnt love me anymore yet he is still here. 

I believe he is going through depression, he and our teen dont' see 100% eye to eye, and he has much regret that he feels he has not been the greatest dad. I printed off some info for him to read on depression and asked him if for all our sake he would read it and go chat to the doctor. I have always told him he is a wonderful dad and has always been however nobody is perfect but he needs to just love his boys and dont stress about the past, teens are teens and all will be good. 

I dont' believe he has found someone else, although it did cross my mind, he is 41 and i am 35, I have been a great wife most of the time, always faithful but sometimes cranky and short. I have always looked after him, i manage the money, the house, the kids, and keep the peace amongst all. I work full time and love my family. We recently moved into our current home and have been renovating it, it is looking so great, he has a boat, lovely 4x4 that he picked a large shed full of tools and a beautiful home, two wonderful boys and a wife that adores him. I don't understand??? If he doesnt' love me why is he still here, he says it is easier to stay then go, he has said that before. This time I think it best for him to go so he can really decide if its me or the kids he is hanging around for. To hopefully miss me and realize how much we all mean to him. I love him with all my heart, he has been my world since i was 16, and with one selfish decision on his part he can take away, our beautiful home of which we worked so hard on inside and out, our kids security, our dreams, and our future, I dont' see why? 

It is not fair to say the least. Please someone tell me there is hope? He is still home, why isn't he leaving if he is so sure he doesn't love me, he is tearing me apart, being there and not being able to hug him, hold him, cuddle him, it is almost torture. What do i do? I am confused, hurt, angry and becoming very lonely, I don't know how to act - so lost somebody help!!!!!


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

I hate to say it, but I am basically in the same situation with my wife. I finally said we have to talk about a month ago, talk and spend time together or go to counseling. She said no to either, and then said she had been waiting for the last year for me to leave, since we almost broke up last June. I said ok, and I left. There was simply nothing more to do. Yes, I would love to be back where we were 15 years ago, but it won't happen by myself. It'll be a month this weekend, and I am actually happier and hopefully she is too. I am trying to learn about my issues and work on them, have spent 2 great weekends with my kids, just us. Even though the situation sucks, maybe my becoming a better person on my own will help change things, who knows? My kids are happier right now, and I am growing as a person. Not saying this is what you need to do, and I hope you can work it out. Try to get him to fill out the Love Busters questionnaire, I would ask my wife but it is pointless. After reading the info on that site, it all makes sense and if you could get your husband to try you might have a chance at saving your marriage.


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## lostinlove1 (May 10, 2010)

thanks hurtin'unit, i am sorry you have had a rough trot however it seems you are coping. I wish you future happiness for you and your kids, keeping the love for the kids is hard, i watched both my brother and sister go through a horrible ordeal with that and lets just say it still is not pretty. My husband is a kind and wonderful man maybe that is why he has not left. I have decided to play it safe and try to put all my emotions and feelings aside, hopefully he will then be reminded as to what about me he fell in love with in the first place. thank you for you reply


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Are you sure he is not having an affair? Make sure you rule that one out. Your story reminds me a lot to mine and I later found out about the affair, got some proof and confronted him. Unfortunately he is denying everything and also now wants divorce. I also exposed his affair to family and close friends. He is now mad that I did that but he is still civil with me when talking about our 16mts old son.
Your H is about my H age and you are also around my age. Seems like they all go crazy around the big 40
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinlove1 (May 10, 2010)

notreadytoquit I have asked and he said no, he has been honest with me so far so I can only believe him. I think is very confused of what he wants and obviously thinks the grass is greener? He has confronted the kids and told them not that he is leaving only that he is going away for a bit to work crap out - yep he took the cheap way out. I hope he comes to his senses before I start questioning my own love for him, the hurt just deepens every bloody day. I know I will come out the end of all this but I just wonder how tough my skin will be then.........thank you for your feedback - appreciate it.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through 'lostinlove1' but reality is he probably is having an affair...if that is what is happening he is no doubt 'infactuated' and not in love...me and my wife have been separated for 3 mos (her choice) after 17 yrs and 2 daughters 9 and 11..I'm sure he will find out he really misses you and loves you once you are separated and if he doesn't then something is wrong with him because when you are with someone that long you cannot help but have a deep connection..only time apart will tell...I wish you well and now is the time to work on YOURSELF and be strong...let him see you can get along without him even if you think you can't.


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## lostinlove1 (May 10, 2010)

2daughters, thank you for you warm thoughts. I am doing that and find myself at a calm medium of course I have hope that he will realize how much he is giving up and come back a better devoted loving husband, but i also realize this may not happen. Either way I am starting to live my life and believe in myself and know I will be fine as this was not my choice it was his and also his loss. Thank you.


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