# Haven't slept in days



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So i told you all before about my husband kissing a friend twice when we were young like about 9 or 10 years ago.. she kissed him first and then a few months later he kissed her and groped her behind to put nice, well he has told me all these years that it was all in figuring us out.. a part is me knows that’s just not right I think he may have actually thought he had a chance with her. Well about 6 months after that I started to confide in someone at work I felt so awful about myself and just lost a friend and completely shattered by my husband. Well i exchanged messages with a co worker after. I became friends with him and a group where i worked.. i was a mess and the co worker made me feel better. I kbow thie isn’t right and i wish i could take it all back. I told my hunsband that i had inapropriate conversations wirh him years ago and ge now wont speak with me. The guy tried kissing me but i declined. I never crossed those boundaries. I did tell him that i stopped talking with him consistantly like that years and years ago. I have spoke with him a few times over the years mostly good. I think the last conversation was like 4 years ago after I told him I was sorry and I never meant to cross that line. I love my husband and always wanted him. He just really broke me. 
A couple time drunk maybe crossed the line. Over the years in conversation with the other but we knew what it was and mostly in a joke manner and always ended with how are you guys you ok you will work it out you love each other. It was never an emotional tie it ya going to lunch or drinks nothing like that... I just know if i tell him it will kill us.. i am so lost and havent slept for days..


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Confused. Could you clear up your timeline and exactly what happened?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Yes, please clear up some things and we would be happy to try and help.

- So your husband kissed your friend and then you started an inappropriate emotional relationship with a guy?
- Did all of this happen years ago but you have talked to the guy recently?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

K I hope that makes more sense sorry I am a mess and typing like a crazy person.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

So basically in retaliation you had an emotional affair with this guy from work, and then never let him go, because of a couple kisses your husband gave another woman while you were dating, right? Plus you have kept contact with him ever since? Did you just recently confess this to your husband?

He's hurt, and undoubtably surprised. You are going to have to wait and see if he is able to forgive you. Start by blocking this guy on your phone, deleting his contact info, and blocking him on all social media. Time will tell. Tylenol PM might work for ya in in the meantime.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Spicy said:


> So basically in retaliation you had an emotional affair with this guy from work, and then never let him go, because of a couple kisses your husband gave another woman while you were dating, right? Plus you have kept contact with him ever since? Did you just recently confess this to your husband?
> We wer
> He's hurt, and undoubtably surprised. You are going to have to wait and see if he is able to forgive you. Start by blocking this guy on your phone, deleting his contact info, and blocking him on all social media. Time will tell. Tylenol PM might work for ya in in the meantime.



No we were married when he kissed her. And I wouldn’t call is it an emotional affair. Basically I didn’t like the guy like that I just wanted to hear him talk me up . I know that’s completely selfish but when you deal with a double the trail like that and you hung out with the woman he did that with and possibly have secret feelings for her even though he claims he didn’t. It’s a really hard pill to swallow.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

So, you haven't spoken to the guy AT ALL in 4 years? I will give you my take after I know that answer.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Are you in IC?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> So, you haven't spoken to the guy AT ALL in 4 years? I will give you my take after I know that answer.


No not at all


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> Are you in IC?


Sorry what is an IC?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Personally, I think (as I said in your other thread) that your husband is a Class A ass-hole.

He hit on your friend and kissed her a couple of times and groped her (and I STILL think there's *a lot more* to this story than either of these two liars will EVER admit to you) because he wanted to get himself some action, not because of the feeble little fairy tale he told you about needing to 'figure us out.' What a load of crap THAT is. The *only* thing your husband was trying to 'figure out' was how to get your girlfriend into bed with him without _you _finding out. Sleaze balls like him are a dime a dozen. I've lost count of the married dirt-bags who've pulled this same exact crap on me over the years that your husband tried on your friend. And I'm willing to bet my right arm she ain't the only one he's pulled it on.

I think you need to STOP tying your self worth to your husband and realize that you don't need his validation in order to feel worthy. You ARE worthy, but you're letting your husband continually suck all your self esteem with his low life behavior.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Sorry what is an IC?


INDIVIDUAL Counseling

And I agree that you should give it a whole-hearted shot. 

I think you are discounting your emotions towards the guy you were talking to but if you haven't spoken to him in 4 years, I would NOT bring it up.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

How do you know it was just kissing/groping? People tend to lie and minimize things like this. If they were adults and desired each other and had opportunity to spend alone time together then there are overwhelming odds they had sex.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry what is an IC?
> ...


I am in IC right now I have been 1 time and go again soon. I am so sad right now o really didn’t want this to happen.. any of it, but I was consumed in feeling bad and then the emotional rollercoaster of the marriage over the years.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

VermiciousKnid said:


> How do you know it was just kissing/groping? People tend to lie and minimize things like this. If they were adults and desired each other and had opportunity to spend alone time together then there are overwhelming odds they had sex.


He swears and she swears that nothing else happened. So I have to trust that. I have a really hard time with it and obviously it wasn’t all in figuring out if he wanted me I think also it was does he want her. But I choose to stay. I have to go on with the unknown.... well unless he leaves me now 😔


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> K I hope that makes more sense sorry I am a mess and typing like a crazy person.


Take a deep breath and relax. Put your thoughts together. 

Did you cross any boundaries? 

The co worker, when he tried to kiss you you pushed him away and made it clear that wasn’t happening right?

You never went out alone with him?

Did you just talked about what was going on in your life and marriage as friends?

Did you flirt with him?

Hard to read but I didn’t see any thing wrong.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> No we were married when he kissed her. And I wouldn’t call is it an emotional affair. Basically I didn’t like the guy like that I just wanted to hear him talk me up . I know that’s completely selfish but when you deal with a double the trail like that and you hung out with the woman he did that with and possibly have secret feelings for her even though he claims he didn’t. It’s a really hard pill to swallow.



Here's the deal. Yes, what your husband did was wrong.

But you are using his two kisses 10 years ago to justify the fact that you cheated too. Let's call a spade a spade.

You have wanted him to own his stuff all these years. Own YOURS.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

dontworrybehappy said:


> He swears and she swears that nothing else happened. So I have to trust that.


They betrayed you. What makes you think they're trustworthy? Not to mention, he also swore to love, honor, and cherish you, forsaking all others. Are his "swears" really that reliable at this point?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I am in IC right now I have been 1 time and go again soon. I am so sad right now o really didn’t want this to happen.. any of it, but I was consumed in feeling bad and then the emotional rollercoaster of the marriage over the years.


Keep Going DWBH, if you have a good counselor and trust me, like any profession there are good and bad ones. I think a good counselor/therapist will be able to do a lot of good for you.

- helping you see your marriage and your husband for what they really are, good and/or bad
- why you feel so bad, why you reached out to the guy in the past
- most importantly, getting you more in touch with you, building up your self worth and a better life, which starts with attitude and the understanding that you are not to blame for your husbands actions and it's ok to feel the way you do right now but you will get over that ... with help!

I say this over and over on here. I made a lot of mistakes in how I dealt with or perceived things in my marriage, which is coming to an end after 18 years (divorce final next month) but I still see myself as a strong willed person, someone who has a lot of self worth and confidence but was still so easily manipulated by my STBXW because I didn't have a great understanding of intimate relationships. The reason I bring that up, is because no matter how strong I thought I was, I benefited greatly and still do from IC . If anything, to help me break through and decode what my STBXW had done over the years and what she does to this day, as the kids and I are still in the same house until she moves out in a few weeks.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Here's the deal. Yes, what your husband did was wrong.
> 
> But you are using his two kisses 10 years ago to justify the fact that you cheated too. Let's call a spade a spade.
> 
> You have wanted him to own his stuff all these years. Own YOURS.


I think the time line is around the same time. Just after her husband kissed and then madeout with the friend. 

From what she said she didn’t cheat. She wasn’t emotionally attracted to the guy. He might of felt differently because he tried to kiss her. OP stopped him before he did. 

How is this cheating. We have all got pick me ups from friends during hard times.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I feel like a big chunk of this story is missing. Why is your husband not talking to you?


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

You totally had an emotional affair if you kept that hidden from your husband. 

But can’t really follow the story. Why are you in IC now. Did this all come to light later in life since it was 8 years ago?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> He swears and she swears that nothing else happened. So I have to trust that.


I don't follow. Why do you have to believe everything a proven liar has to say?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I am sure everyone would like to see the time line.

So the key events are: 

1) "Friend" comes into your life.

2) H and friend seem a little too close????

3) husband "Kissed" friend to see if he had feelings (which is so weird I don't even know where to start with that)

4) You were inappropriate with a coworker? 

Listen, what you did was wrong, and he is not going to believe that nothing happened. 

But the real problem is that you have never gotten over his affair. So now there is this situation. 

Bottom line is that it is probably time to just end the marriage. You guys have not been able to move forward together for a long time. 

It is just time to call in the dogs and end it...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm sorry, I haven't read any of the replies, just your original post. But my take on this is this: you're worried about a girl that your husband kissed and groped 9-10 years ago, and you had a male friend that you had inappropriate conversations with years ago? Most people have a dating past, and that past doesn't really need to be held against him. I've kissed other men 9-10 years ago, and heck, I've been married. I would hope that my current partner doesn't hold that against me and vice versa for him. I'm sorry, but your original post is a little all over the place, but that's what I get from it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> He swears and she swears that nothing else happened. So I have to trust that. I have a really hard time with it and obviously it wasn’t all in figuring out if he wanted me I think also it was does he want her. But I choose to stay. I have to go on with the unknown.... well unless he leaves me now 😔


No. Actually you DON'T have to accept that.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, I haven't read any of the replies, just your original post. But my take on this is this: you're worried about a girl that your husband kissed and groped 9-10 years ago, and you had a male friend that you had inappropriate conversations with years ago? Most people have a dating past
> , and that past doesn't really need to be held against him. I've kissed other men 9-10 years ago, and heck, I've been married. I would hope that my current partner doesn't hold that against me and vice versa for him. I'm sorry, but your original post is a little all over the place, but that's what I get from it.


So we were married at the time he kissed my friend after I found out is when I started talking to the guy at work. Then it stopped after he sent me a pic and tried kissing me. Then only a few times through the years we spoke the last time was 4 years ago


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I am sure everyone would like to see the time line.
> 
> So the key events are:
> 
> ...


I can’t I love him


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I can’t I love him


Are you saying that you cannot love your husband?

Also, did you tell your husband about the other man? If so, when did you tell your husband? Is this why your husband is angry with you?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I can’t I love him


Is that a real question? Really? 

No one is saying that you don't love him. And he may still love you. That is all possible. 

But here is the deal. First off, I really don't believe that he did not have sex with the "Friend" like he told you. I am not saying that it is impossible but that it is improbable. 

So let's say that he actually had sex with her, even once? Could you get over that? From what you write, you are having a hard time getting over that fact that he kissed her. I mean it has been 10 years. 

So before any other thing happened, you are already damaged by his "Kiss". Now, nothing and no one is or should say that you should just get over it. But if it really was just a kiss, don't you think you should have gotten over it by now? 

Have you been to therapy about how you feel, and your inability to get over his "Affair"? 

So, your relationship with your H has been damaged for at least 10 years already. Now, there is the thing with the coworker from your side. 

And, your husband does not believe you that nothing happened, or he may just be pissed of that it happened at all, esp after all the time you have been giving him a hard time since his "Kiss". 

So, based on the fact that you have been unable to get over the kiss, what is left in the marriage to work with. He cheated, you cheated. You can't get over it, he can't get over it. 

See, healthy relationships are not like this. Do you guys even have sex anymore? How often? 

What I am saying is that, unless both of you want to change and REALLY get past some of this crap, I honestly is better to end the marriage. 

Love, at this point, has nothing to do with it...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So we were married at the time he kissed my friend after I found out is when I started talking to the guy at work. Then it stopped after he sent me a pic and tried kissing me. Then only a few times through the years we spoke the last time was 4 years ago


So you stopped it when he tried to take it beyond being a friend. 

Good for you. You never cheated. 

Why are you upset about this now?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> I am sure everyone would like to see the time line.
> 
> So the key events are:
> 
> ...


This is one of the few times we are going to disagree BP. I don’t think she did anything wrong. No physical or emotional attachment.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> This is one of the few times we are going to disagree BP. I don’t think she did anything wrong. No physical or emotional attachment.


I may agree with you, hard to say. She did admit to inappropriate conversations with him. And she knew H would not like that. So is that cheating - that may be a grey area?

But I think that the point is that because of his behavior and everything else... What is there to save. 

And her husband is not going to believe that she did not cheat, which may be an even bigger issue after she stayed, could not get over his affair, and gave him hell about it. 

But you could be right...


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DontWorry,

Did you speak with the Wife or SO of the guy that wanted to kiss you about the inappropriate behavior?

Tamat


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why can't you sleep?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> No we were married when he kissed her. And I wouldn’t call is it an emotional affair. Basically I didn’t like the guy like that *I just wanted to hear him talk me up *. I know that’s completely selfish but when you deal with a double the trail like that and you hung out with the woman he did that with and possibly have secret feelings for her even though he claims he didn’t. It’s a really hard pill to swallow.


 Re: Bolded:
That's pretty much what an emotional affair is, so yeah you had one.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> DontWorry,
> 
> Did you speak with the Wife or SO of the guy that wanted to kiss you about the inappropriate behavior?
> 
> Tamat


I did actually with both. On my end I sent a text to him saying sorry for the inappropriate conversation and lead on’s I was dealing with some demons and it was wrong what was being said. 

And as for the women yes I also had conversations with her. As far as more than kissing goes I do not think that anything did play out. And my husband did also call her a few days later and apologized said it was wrong and that could never happen again. She did try again with him when she was drunk and he said no.. so I do know that he did want me and him. I am just still angry all these years later a bit that it happened though.. I lost a friend and trust of a husband by him doing that. But he is such a good husband now that’s what is so hard I can’t walk away from a kiss... I just need to move on if I am forgiving him I need to do that.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Is that a real question? Really?
> 
> No one is saying that you don't love him. And he may still love you. That is all possible.
> 
> ...


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

At first glance, all we see is hypocrisy. His affair was not "worse" then yours, and your trust question goes both ways.

With that being said, should you trust him again? Yes and he should trust you. What you both have displayed was a solid boundary in a difficult time. When the opportunity to escalate came before him, he said no, as did you.

This is a lot more important then the innapropiate behaviour displayed by the both of you. When the shot hit the fan, neither of you jumped. 

Was he perfect. No. We're you perfect. No. But if this is the most you have had to deal with in all of your time together, your glass is more them half full.

Work this out. Appreciate each other. Blessings for your family.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> At first glance, all we see is hypocrisy. His affair was not "worse" then yours, and your trust question goes both ways.
> 
> With that being said, should you trust him again? Yes and he should trust you. What you both have displayed was a solid boundary in a difficult time. When the opportunity to escalate came before him, he said no, as did you.
> 
> ...



I am working on it. I need to stop trying to dissect it and making it something It wasn’t. I always try to romanticize the events when it was probably not anything close to what I think. I wonder if a lot of people do this? 
I need to let go of ego and pride.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I am working on it. I need to stop trying to dissect it and making it something It wasn’t. I always try to romanticize the events when it was probably not anything close to what I think. I wonder if a lot of people do this?
> I need to let go of ego and pride.


Do you romanticize your own affair? No, because there was nothing romantic about it. Honestly, this just looks like 2 good people who stumbled, but did not fall. 

Your "ego" tells you that you are worth monogamy. That is the same as self resoect. No need to let that go. Your pride tells you that he belongs to you and the thought of any one touching him is an offense. I don't see the wrong in that, since it is a boundary that you hold for yourself. 

Go for a walk with your husband. Start the conversation with love and let him know this talk is for closure. Put divorce firmly on the table should this occur again and leave it be. This is a perfect time to take stock of where you are and where you want to be. Don't forget to initiate when you get home.


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