# Marriage falling apart - she needs space



## orbital (Feb 22, 2010)

Been married for 8 years, have 2 beautiful daughters which we both love dearly, a nice home.

For the last couple of years my wife's been complaining that I'm not giving her enough attention, that I'm too controlling, jealous and not letting her be herself. We seemed to be happy enough with each other until then

We had a few major rows over this and I'd like to believe that I've learned from them and tried the best I could.

About 5 months ago my wife has opened a Facebook account, then online poker sessions started which increased considerably in lenght of time and lately I started noticing her extensively typing during them. When asked her who she's talking to so much she said it was only poker related and so on.

When I actually checked up on that, I stumbled upon her chat with some bloke and her saying that she's 'married but it's not working and she doesn't know how to end it'

When confronted she replied that she doesn't know what she wants from life/marriage at the moment and that I should give more space

Next thing I found out she's having a flirt with someone to which she said it's only innocent it does't mean anything. Turned out it was more than that, the were exchanges of ' I love you, I miss you' and even very explicit messaging as well.
Now she's even texting him, talking on the phone.

To further add to all this she's saying she doesn't love me, hasn't loved for the last two years and adores her internet lover.

She's spending countless hours online, Facebook, poker, chatting, there's a glass or two of wine involved as well. She's not getting enough sleep, not eating, lost about 15 pounds

Bottom line is, she wants time and space now to figure out what she wants to do. She has mentioned that she would like to make our marriage work but that there are no feelings towards me anymore.

I'm afraid that if I let her do whatever she wants it might end up worse than just online flirts phone chats and so on.

I love her to bits and desperately want to save out marriage...

We are considering marriage counselling but until we get an appointment any of your input would be much appreciated


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is all standard procedure for having an emotional affair. If isn't just online, it probably isn't a physical affair, though could head that way if he lives anywhere nearby.

The point of you giving her space, is to give her more room for the affair to continue and deepen. This allows her to explore that relationship further, and see if she can make the jump from you to the new man successfully.

Obviously you shouldn't give her this "space". It's not in your best interest.

She needs to stop this affair now and cut off all contact with the other man. There is no way you can work on your marriage with her having a lover in the picture. Getting into counseling is also a good idea. If she isn't willing to comply with those very reasonable requests, you typically blow the evidence of the affair as public as you can. Tell everyone you can that has any form of pull over your wife. Including the other man's wife/girlfriend.

If that fails, be quite serious about filing for divorce as the wake up call. There is always an element of fantasy about the other man, and there is nothing like the reality of losing you to bring things home quickly. It's quite one thing to be having a sex fantasy in your comfy living room, quite another to be a divorced women because you're caught cheating.

You may want to install something like SpectorPro on her computer to gather evidence.


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## orbital (Feb 22, 2010)

to elaborate on it, this other man is from overseas so chances for it to get more serious are slim. On the other hand he's divorced so not much to be done there.

As for our own divorce she has seriuosly considered it and the only reason for it not happening from her side is children.

I said to her I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work including giving her space, the only thing I asked of her was to stop the internet cheating but she said no, she won't be told what to do and will end it when/if she feels like it.


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## moonlover (Dec 30, 2009)

ok here we go with the wrong information. NUMBER 1 never ever involve the spouse, girlfriend or mate in the issues you are having with your wife. THEY DID NOT MAKE A COMMITMENT TO YOU, she did. People kill me telling people to tell the mate. Your business is with your spouse PERIOD. You dont know how fragile that other person is, they could snap and place you and your family in physical danger. Next the spys on the computer, the tape recorders, the key loggers. If your plans are to leave her... you don't need to commit emotional and mental suicide. I never did this to my husband, I found out because he left a page open. What I saw in the emails was enough for me to remember for more than 10 years. It's like seeing the death of person. Why would you encourage a person to do this unless they need evidence for divorce. You make sure you are ready to handle the truth. The truth hurts, but in order to be free you must hear it. I didnt say you had to accept it.


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## moonlover (Dec 30, 2009)

Women are emotional creatures and we are subject to fall into the web of verbal seduction when dealing with social internet forums. You have a keyboard and screen to keep you hidden safely behind your words. She may be someone different and suppressing that person with you and expressing that energy on the net. Talk to her, you guys must have had something wonderful in order to get married. Figure out how to connect, the consular can help you both discover this.


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## orbital (Feb 22, 2010)

to get a few facts straight, I never wanted the marriage to end, neither does she I'm led to believe but all she wants from me now is to leave hee alone, she does't want to talk about the relationship r anything like that. I agree to do whatever she's asking me. the only thing i asked for in return is to end her cheating and work on the marriage together but it seems that it's either her way or no way. We're both wrecked, not eating, not sleeping. It's the worst nightmare...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheRelationshpSupermarket (Feb 21, 2010)

Your wife, sadly, does not seem to have your best interest at heart. She wants you to do all the 'giving' (letting her have her space to cheat on you), but doesn't seem to want to give you anything, i.e doing what you ask.

She doesn't seem to respect your feelings at all. At this point, it's not about being in love with you. It's about respecting and cherishing the person with whom you've spent the last 8 years. It's also about respecting your life, your marriage and your kids. 

Maybe the space your wife needs now is for you and the kids to move out and let her have her way. If this is possible, this may be the next course of action. Not having you there will enable her to see what her life would be like after a divorce. No you, no kids. This is the wake up call she may need.

Letting people you love take advantage of you is not the sensible thing to do. If she thinks you'll allow this, she'll know you'll allow anything. This has gone on too long and I'm sure it's affecting the kids.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

My ex husband used to give me the whole "it's my way or the highway" speech. He was really suprised when I finally chose the highway option.

Your wife is being totally selfish at this point. She is emotionally blackmailing you. Eiher you let her do whatever she wants, or she's done? How is sitting back and watching her continue her online affair going to benefit your marriage? It will only damage it more, and damage you more as well. She is emotionally checking out of your marriage.

How would she feel if the situations were reversed? At this point, if you asked her, I bet she'd say it would be no big deal to her, it's just the internet after all. What a load of bull! 

In my opinion, if you choose to just sit back and and say OK to her behavior, you are just setting yourself up for long and term emotional pain and suffering. Yes, she has the choice to continue this behavior, but you also have a choice on whether you want to live like that. She needs to wake up and make a choice. 

Is some online affair with a guy overseas really worth ruining a marriage and forever changing her relationship with her children? Will you forfeit your value to keep up the pretense of a marriage for the sake of others? This is not just her choice, it's yours as well.

I wish you all the best.


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## 2gether4ever (Feb 20, 2010)

Dear Orbital
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have been in a similar situation to your wife a few months back with the facebook contact. My story is: I found my husband controlling but my main problem was that he did not give me enough attention. I told him this regularly with no real improvement. It was only after I had other men (who actually we had known in the past - happily married with kids) who were suddenly after me, paying me lots of time on FB and giving me lots of attention, first in an emotional and then a sexual way -(very explicit!) that things changed. I felt guilty (couldn't sleep) and told my husband then things changed for us. He was very angry with the other men and immediately changed his habits. Prior to this - his job, our 3 kids, his sport (most sports esp football!), going to the gym, reading long books, doing his family tree - infact everything seemed to take priority over quality time with me or sex. Now he has started flirting with me, paying me compliments, giving me sexual and non sexual contact, hugs etc, having great sex - willing to try lots of new things during day or night - infact our relationship is the best it has been over the past nearly 20 years of marriage.
The big difference was that I was willing to and did tell my husband everything that had taken place on Facebook. I also blocked the guys myself (my choice) so that they can no longer contact me. Also he did change and is giving me the love and attention I crave- what a blessing! We are also both less inhibited sexually now. It is fab!


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## orbital (Feb 22, 2010)

thanks very much guys for your feedback and support. 

The latest is, we're finally talking to each other like normal people, she seems to be very interested in working things out, said she will phase out the affair.

So as it stands I'm going to give her as much space as she wants and hopefully things will slowly get back to normal, we'll fall in love with each other again

Will still be going to counselling, that should add more positivity to the situation.


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## orbital (Feb 22, 2010)

at the moment I'm not sure where we stand...the affair seems to be over, the 'space' thing is still on yet it's sort of halfways...we obviously interact on day-to-day stuff but talking about our relationship is strictly off-limits unless she decides otherwise every now and then...we even did a few things together a few times...so it's mainly on her terms. And if I try to go and do something on my own it's frowned upon..
She's saying the only thing that might fix this is counselling. She says she's hoping everything will get back to normal but very doubtful..

we still can't get a counselling appointment. I just dont know what to do. Emotionally I'm completely destroyed, nothing gives me any joy on life. I gave up the few hobbies I had, can't concentrate on my job, just the kids barely keep me alive...

I'm even having thoughts of going to a nightclub or something to see what would happen...

Please help if you can...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

orbital said:


> to elaborate on it, this other man is from overseas so chances for it to get more serious are slim. On the other hand he's divorced so not much to be done there.
> 
> As for our own divorce she has seriuosly considered it and the only reason for it not happening from her side is children.
> 
> I said to her I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work including giving her space, the only thing I asked of her was to stop the internet cheating but she said no, she won't be told what to do and will end it when/if she feels like it.


You are kidding yourself. I've seen people hawk their life savings to buy a plane ticket.

You need to FIND this man's name, his wife's name, his parents' names, and contact them ALL and tell them he is having an affair with a married woman. You need to call your wife's parents, siblings, and best friends, and tell them the same thing. Ask them all for help to save your marriage from the _addiction_ of this affair, so that your wife can get back to reality. 

Until you remove the affair, NOTHING she says is the truth. Affairees REWRITE their history, to justify talking to another man. Of COURSE your marriage is bad! If it wasn't, SHE is bad for cheating! So ignore everything she says about your relationship for now.

But you HAVE to expose the affair! She will be mad for a bit, but your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man.

Does she work? If not, if you pay the bills, cancel the internet and cellphones. Do anything you can to make it harder for her to continue her affair. It is NOT your job to do everything she says right now, because she is an addict, NOT your real wife; you don't feed drugs to an addict, do you? You are fighting the affair for HER sake as well as yours and your kids'. She will thank you, once it's over and she has returned to her old self. For now, do NOT give her 'space' to carry on her affair easier. And by all means, do NOT move out! EVER!

PS: Phasing out the affair is a crock, and you know it. That's her way of saying stop snooping so I can do whatever the h&ll I want. Demand that it stops TODAY.


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## moonlover (Dec 30, 2009)

Orbital should you decide to even consider 1/16 of the advice from Turnera. Make sure you understand the consequences of your actions. You both are grown and I have never found that exposing a persons faults to the public makes them fond of the messenger. I know you have stated that you have had trouble finding therapist, you must make it a point to get in to see someone even if it is individually. You are the one suffering with the grief and you must be able to express this to someone who can help you with these emotions. 

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Cheat

• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond
• dissatisfaction with her mate
• dissatisfaction with her marriage or relationship
• a desire for male attention
• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman
• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion
• a desire to feel “special”
• boredom or loneliness
• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted
• sexual excitement

These are all valid reasons. Communication of these reasons to the spouse would mean a conversation that may lead down a path of no solutions found. Sometimes its a situation of compromise. 

It's easy to say "All she had to do is tell me". We both know that is not easy. Most chat affairs are about the mental stimulation from someone other than you. Is she an attention addict? That is yet to be determined. 

Not all affairs about what you did or did not do right. It can simply boil down to she has not even taken a moment to consider anyone's needs but her own need to be in control of herself. 

When a person ask for time and space. You must determine how much time you are willing to give and the type of space you are willing to accept. 

Most affairs change the heart and mind. You must focus on you for a moment. Dont sit around an wait for her to open arms and beg for your forgiveness. Take a moment and find out the good, the bad & ugly sides of you. Own those great qualities and release or minimize the bad ones. Take one day at a time...each day will bring something different.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exposing the affair is not punishment and it is not revenge. It is going to the people whom the wayward spouse cares about, and asking them to help you help HER come to her senses. It is showing the two people in the affair that people are NOT going to accept their sneaking around and lying, that they are disappointed in them for choosing this. It is to tell them that, if they continue, it won't be the beautiful fantasy they have created in their mind. Your marriage can survive your spouse's anger at exposure; it can't survive a third person.


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## orbital (Feb 22, 2010)

let's not concentrate on the affair alone, the issues are deeper than that I think.

For starters, her addictive personality doesn't help...be it wine, online gambling or attention seeking. Boredom, same routine everyday adds to it. 

I admit, I'm no angel myself but I'm prepared to deal with my issues.

Another thing we figured out was the way we were bringing up our kids. Since our first was born, all the time, energy and effort was towards her. We completely neglected ourselves as a couple. And overparenting didn't do our girl much good either. This is of course fault of our own, there's no denying it.

Hopefully we'll learn from our own mistakes and will come out stronger out of this. That's not a given however


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