# no energy to try



## KennedyAnne1622 (Nov 18, 2015)

I'm not sure where to start here. My husband and I met in college and dated on and off for about 2 years, dated steadily for 4 years after that and have now been married for 3 years. 

In college we broke up a lot as he would become very rude and argumentative when drinking, disrespected me in front of other people and just generally did not give me the caring and attention I prefer in a relationship. Nor did he support me in activities that were meaningful to me (and still doesn't to this day). After college, things got better, but in general I still have not felt that genuine care and love from him to me. I think this has to do alot with our expectations for our relationships, I want someone to engage me and explore the world with me, he is more content sitting together with nothing more. We've stayed together because he has offered to change before, which is often temporary, and I did want to make it work.

Over the time that we have been dating and now married, there have been times when I felt like i was settling but told myself, "well, this is the path you have chosen." I've tried to do fun things with my husband to keep our marriage exciting and fun but I am often met with resistance, complaints, and a general attitude of "that's a stupid idea". For instance, on our anniversary i wanted to put on our wedding clothes (suit and dress) and have dinner at home. You would have thought i was asking him to give a kidney! I know that I can't tell what other people's relationships are like but so often I look at my friends relationships and wonder why I can't have the same happiness? I've also wondered if my husband truly likes me or just the idea of having a wife, a home, etc. I am a good looking, fairly successful woman so from an image standpoint I'm sure that doesn't hurt. (not trying to be egotistical, i just know that image is very important to my husband, especially in this respect). 

I am also still concerned about the drinking aspect. My husband's family drinks very regularly, almost every day and until 3-4am on weekends and my family doesn't. I don't think it's healthy but what bothers me the most is that there have been at least 3 big occasions in our life together that were tainted because my husband drank too much, started a nothing argument and belittled and criticized me late into the night (and early morning). These don't happen all the time, but the fact that they have, makes me very hesitant when we go out together and takes away from my ability to relax and have fun as I am always looking out to make sure something doesn't trigger him for some reason or another.

Over the past year or so, my husband has also become incredibly critical (down to criticizing what i'm wearing or which burner I'm using to make dinner). It got to a point where I actually questioned if I was capable of doing certain things, which is incredibly unlike me. He also snaps at me about almost anything and I no longer want to share my feelings with him because i am told that I shouldn't feel a certain way or that I should think about how he feels (which i want to, but i also want that same consideration in return). He has gotten very negative and I feel like he is almost always looking for something to be upset about.

About a month ago, I had my breaking point and moved out for a few days. He was upset but still didn't seem to understand how his words were hurting me. We talked alot and went to MC two times and still, I felt he still wasn't getting it. After these situations and thinking about how i've felt in the past, my instincts were telling me that this is the time to get out and get the life I want (i'm only 29 and i feel like i have my whole life ahead of me). A few days ago I told him I didn't want to be married anymore and that I don't have the energy to try. I've been trying for so long to be heard and now I am exhausted. He is FINALLY understanding and is wanting to change, but due to previous situations, I just don't trust that it will last. I don't even have the desire to work on our marriage because i feel like i will be doing it for him, not me. 

I'm frustrated because having the divorce conversation was very hard for me and took me a long time to come to that decision. And now I feel like it's being disregarded and i'm being told to just work on our marriage anyways. I just don't want to. I want the opportunity to have a marriage where i am cared for, supported and shown love and I feel like i just want to start over. 

Has anyone else been in this situation?


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## FlaGirl (Nov 10, 2015)

Oh honey, wow. I feel for you. Guess what, you know YOU and that's what is important. Of course he wants to try now that it's all staring him in the face. You are me but add 20 years to that marriage, minus any critical stuff. Here is what I see in this:
You are young, you need to be YOU in any relationship and what may have worked on SOME levels,clearly doesn't work on some important levels. I do believe in committment and marriage but I also believe we sometimes see that our decision may not have been the best one for us. I will get ripped on this (see my thread on Midlife Crisis/Midlife Awakening) but I say cut your losses. I would say give him a chance but ANYTIME a man gets critical is a big red flag to me. Been in a controlling and abusive relationship prior to my husband. The drinking, yeh chalk it up to being young, but what strikes me is you can recall at least 3 important events when he was drunk..not a good sign. Granted he may be anti-social or uncomfortable and so those events triggered him to drink more, but no, just no. It won't get better. What about when there are serious things like death,or you giving birth? Will he choose to drink to not deal? He needs to grow up. 
It was clearly hard for you to come to the point of telling him it's over, and he is likely trying to tread water because now it's serious. It should have been serious enough before for him to give this a chance. One thing I have learned and always holds true: The old cliche', "You can't change someone else, only yourself", and " If someone shows you who they are, believe them." I know it's all so hard and sad, but I do not see this being a good match. Be firm, be assertive in what you want now, so in 20 years you won't be saying the same thing. Good luck and I am hoping for happiness for you!


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## FlaGirl (Nov 10, 2015)

I do want you to know that I GET IT. I am here for you! Focus on what you can change or work on and what YOU want. He can focus on him and learning and growing. All experiences give just that, experience and a chance to grow as a human being. Sometimes that means we come together to grow separate apart.


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## KennedyAnne1622 (Nov 18, 2015)

thank you SO much. it's going to be hard and i don't want to look back on my life and wonder if there could have been more for me.


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## _meganORSI__ (Nov 19, 2015)

@KennedyAnne1622: I created an account so I could respond to your thread. I'm going through similar troubles. My husband started getting violent (with inanimate objects) when angry, and I told him he needed to go to therapy or leave (I think he suffers from manic/depression). Surprisingly, he started going to therapy. The weird thing was, instead of being overjoyed that he was going to therapy, I felt trapped. I was upset, and resentful. I didn't want to have to wait YEARS to see a change in him. I know that sounds terrible, but after 13 years together, and me always putting him first, and me with all the adult responsibilities, etc., etc., I'm burnt out. I started distancing myself. He caught on, and asked what was wrong. When I told him I was really beaten down, tired, and considering leaving, he broke down. We had a lengthy discussion where he SOBBED and swore he wasn't that guy. My husband has NEVER been able to sustain change. We'd often have fights where I tell him I need his help. He helps for a week or so, then it quickly fades. 

What has been hard for me, was that I felt like I was ready to go, but I could see he was finally making a real effort to change with therapy (which was something he SWORE he'd never do, but was doing). I had guilt about that. YESTERDAY, I decided to give him a chance. What helped me to this conclusion was this:

Ultimately, I was finally putting my own happiness first - my happiness was key. I thought that a divorce would free me of all the things that were really wrong with our relationship - and it would have. BUT, with him going into therapy, I can see his attempts to change. So, if ultimately I'm searching for happiness, if there's a chance that he can change with therapy, there's a chance that I could be happy with in our current relationship. BUT, if he can't sustain the changes he needs to make, there's nothing stopping me from leaving after that. But, at least this way, I can feel confident that I gave him a chance to prove himself. He failed, divorce would ensue, and I can find happiness in knowing that I not only gave him a chance and he wasn't capable, but that I'm leaving a relationship that was too bad to stay in.

I hope this helps. Good luck to you


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The chances of him changing are small.

When he does not drink is he a pleasant person to be with?


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