# Grumpy Husband



## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We were childhood friends. Started dating in college. We have 2 girls, 8 & 10. 
I have always been a people pleaser, bubbly, energetic and my husband the tough, silent type. He's a cop and has been on the department for about 15 years. I think his career choice has made him more quiet, he isolates himself when off duty. Always stays home. Says he doesn't like most people. During our marriage, he's lost both parents (mom first then dad 3 years later) and also had an injury that kept him out of work and most home for several months. 
The problem-I believe he suffers from depression, the death of his parents and injury made him withdraw more during those times. He has refused my suggestion for therapy multiple times. He says he can talk to me, doesn't want to talk to a stranger. I told him I don't know how to help him. I have tried so hard to make him happy but it's not good enough. At home, he speaks very little, it's tough to have a conversation, I have to pull things out of him. He spends hours on the computer or outside working on the house. He doesn't play with the kids, they say he's not nice and isn't fun to be with, his interactions with them consist mostly of discipline or direction to do something. It's sad to see, they want his love and attention so badly.
I have recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and am on medication. And I'm starting to think he plays a huge part in my anxiety. 
He started working the swing shift for the lasted several months so is gone in the evenings. There a some days when I don't see him at all because of my work schedule and I feel so much better. When he's home, it feels like a dark cloud over our house, he's a downer. 
I find myself looking forward to his work days and dreading his days off. I feel like I've detached from him quite a bit and it feels better. I feel like I've given myself permission to not be responsible for his mood. 
Our marriage is in trouble and we cannot live like this forever. 
Has anyone been married to someone like this? I'm looking for advice in how to cope. I've considered divorce but I feel like I may be giving up too soon, not to mention I don't want to put him through another loss.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Being a cop is a heavy job. Most cops seek their own therapy through the department because of what they deal with on a daily basis.

Has he thought of seeking therapy?


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Being a cop is a heavy job. Most cops seek their own therapy through the department because of what they deal with on a daily basis.
> 
> Has he thought of seeking therapy?


I have suggested it many times. He says he doesn't want to talk to a stranger. I believe he thinks nothing is wrong with him. 

His job is tough, I get that. But at the same time, he seems to come alive at work. Loves being with his work buddies, texts them on his days off. If he does things outside of work, it's always with them. 
When I speak to him on the phone while he's at work, he seems so much more enthusiastic, talkative. It's like his job gets the best of him and the kids and I get what's left over.
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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Op,

The negative statistics for peace offices are off the chart. Divorce is on that list at an alarming rate. You cannot afford to soft pedal this if you want to save this marriage. You have no idea what he see's on a daily basis because he will shield you from the worst of it.

I suggest a heart to heart letting him know that he either copes with the demons or he loses you and the kids. You are sitting on a powder keg.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't think he's clinically depressed because if he was he wouldn't be able to turn it off & on like he does now. He seems to be happy at work & with his buddies.

Your home should be a warm, safe place for you & your children. First, have a conversation with him that he is not meeting the family's need for a positive, happy husband & Father. Be specific. Tell him what you have told us. Tell him you have thought about divorce. See if he is willing to make changes or if he simply gets defensive.

I understand how hard it is to want to help someone and/or fix them but if they don't want to "participate" in the process, there really is not much you can do except:

Detach from a person's problems
Accept (does not mean approve)
Leave

Right now you are co-dependent. His grumpy moods, behaviors, etc. are a constant worry for you. His (insert the above) make you unhappy & depressed. Read "Co-Dependent No More." 

I understand what you are going through. My husband is very depressed. He refuses to get outside help. A dark cloud hangs over my home. I have to fight with everything I have not to "absorb" his depression. Right now, I am in the "detach" stage & it really helps me to keep sane & thankfully I don't have young children at home like you do.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Emerald said:


> I don't think he's clinically depressed because if he was he wouldn't be able to turn it off & on like he does now. He seems to be happy at work & with his buddies.
> 
> Your home should be a warm, safe place for you & your children. First, have a conversation with him that he is not meeting the family's need for a positive, happy husband & Father. Be specific. Tell him what you have told us. Tell him you have thought about divorce. See if he is willing to make changes or if he simply gets defensive.
> 
> ...


Emerald, thank you for the advice and book recommendation. I just downloaded it on my kindle. 

I too feel like I have detached. Does your husband seem ok with this? Does he still want to be intimate? Or think you're mean for no longer being overly concerned with his moods? 

For so long, I feel like I have carried our relationship. I put in most of the effort. I initiated conversation, affection, intimacy, date nights, activities with the kids. I'm tired now. My kids are growing up and are busy with sports and school etc. I don't want to parent another adult. It makes me resentful and annoyed. 

I tried IC last year, for about 5 months. I stopped going because I felt like it wasn't a good fit. I wanted to work on my marriage. I had to go alone because he wouldn't go. The therapist kept telling me I should ask for a seperation. I didn't think this would help my marriage. 

I don't know what to do now. I hope the book helps.
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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Don't give up on him yet. There are lots of book suggestions floating around this website to help improve marriages.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs is a good first read. It's possible his needs aren't getting met (there's a questionnaire to fill out to figure out what those needs are).


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Today is my day off, my husband is off too. The kids start school next week. Since its our last day off together, I thought we'd do something together. 

I sent him a text last night (while he was at work) about my idea to go to lunch and a movie with the kids. He never responded but I know he go the message because he responded to another portion of the message. 

Anyway, today, I looked up movie times and the asked him in person. "Do you want to go to the movies at 11;00, then we can have lunch at xyz?" The kids heard me ask and showed their excitement. He just looked up at me and and said "I don't care", he showed no excitement, no enthusiasm. Nothing. Just a monotone voice. 
Then he got up and went to go watch tv. 

So I do my usual. Feeling like I've done something wrong, I follow that up with a few other questions-is there another movie you want to see (knowing that the kids would be disappointed if we picked something else, but it's all about him, right?), is there another place you think we should have lunch?, are you too tired?
He seems irritated now and again says he doesn't care. And that's the end of it. 

I feel so frustrated! I want him to have an opinion. Just participate! 

Now I wish I hadn't asked him and the kids and I were going without him. He very likely won't speak the most of the time.
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My husband is a peace officer, and he loves coming home AND being at work. I happen to know a lot about department shenanigans because he and I are close like best friends. We keep nothing from each other, even his 'bad' days at work. He feels better when he talks to me.

That said, do you suspect that he may be having an affair? I don't want scare you, I just hear some pretty awful stuff. The guys my husband works with aren't really discreet around their colleagues. Your husbands mood changes don't indicate he has depression IMO, they scream he's not happy with his home life, and something at work is FAR more interesting. He would rather be there than at home. Also, you would be surprised at the things they get into while 'at work'.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> My husband is a peace officer, and he loves coming home AND being at work. I happen to know a lot about department shenanigans because he and I are close like best friends. We keep nothing from each other, even his 'bad' days at work. He feels better when he talks to me.
> 
> That said, do you suspect that he may be having an affair? I don't want scare you, I just hear some pretty awful stuff. The guys my husband works with aren't really discreet around their colleagues. Your husbands mood changes don't indicate he has depression IMO, they scream he's not happy with his home life, and something at work is FAR more interesting. He would rather be there than at home. Also, you would be surprised at the things they get into while 'at work'.


The possibility of an affair has crossed my mind, but my gut tells me that's not it. While, it is possible, for sure, I just don't see him going through with it. We have been friends since we were little kids. Part of the reason I married him was because I have always known him to be very trustworthy and reliable. That said, he has a female partner that he rides with quite a bit. Every division he's worked in, he seems to pair up with women. Early in our marriage, I felt threatened by it, but now, I don't have time to worry about it, I guess. Or part of me just doesn't care. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he left. I hate saying that but I'm just being honest. 

There was a time when we were very close, best friends, but I think we have both pulled away at the same time and we are in a horrible rut. I'm pulling away and have a hard time finding loving feelings for him when he acts this way. It just reinforces my feelings.
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Sparrow77 said:


> The possibility of an affair has crossed my mind, but my gut tells me that's not it. While, it is possible, for sure, I just don't see him going through with it. We have been friends since we were little kids. Part of the reason I married him was because I have always known him to be very trustworthy and reliable. That said, *he has a female partner that he rides with quite a bit.* Every division he's worked in, he seems to pair up with women. *Early in our marriage, I felt threatened by it*, but now, I don't have time to worry about it, I guess. Or part of me just doesn't care. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he left. I hate saying that but I'm just being honest.
> 
> There was a time when we were very close, best friends, but I think we have both pulled away at the same time and we are in a horrible rut. I'm pulling away and have a hard time finding loving feelings for him when he acts this way. It just reinforces my feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Affairs aren't all physical. Emotional affairs IMO are even MORE damaging to a marriage than a physical one. You felt it in your gut earlier in your marriage that something wasn't right, and rarely is your gut wrong. His sullen attitude is very telling of a person who's invested emotionally elsewhere. He's alive at work and dead at home. Don't ignore the flags here.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Affairs aren't all physical. Emotional affairs IMO are even MORE damaging to a marriage than a physical one. You felt it in your gut earlier in your marriage that something wasn't right, and rarely is your gut wrong. His sullen attitude is very telling of a person who's invested emotionally elsewhere. He's alive at work and dead at home. Don't ignore the flags here.


I would be more concerned if this were a sudden change from his normal behavior, but he's been the way for years. I think the biggest change is in me. I am no longer interested in feeling responsible for his mood. I'm not chasing him for affection and attention. And as a result, our relationship is suffering. It should be a two way street, right? 

When he had his injury, he was off work for a few months. He couldn't drive, walk. I did EVERYTHING. The stress of caring for him and the kids, plus working a very stressful job, and do all the chores at home left me depleted. He showed no empathy. This is when my anxiety problem reached an all time high. I was having chest pain, panics attacks etc. he never batted an eyelash. 
Finally I decided I needed a break, for my own sanity. I wanted to take a leave from work. It would be unpaid, and they wouldn't not guarantee my position would be there when I wanted to come back. 
He did not want me to do that. He didn't want the inconvenience (or security, as he called it) of having one income. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. Hey said no and refused to talk about it any more. 
All after I busted my tail caring for our entire family for months. I needed him to be there for me and he couldn't. 

I was afraid to quit without his blessing because I felt like he would resent me when we had to tighten up our finances. 

After our last argument about taking a leave from work, I just shut down. I felt like I needed to protect myself. Nobody else was going to take care of me. 
So since then, I've worried less about him and more about my self, my job and the kids. 

So, back to the cheating, while I think that I have pushed him away, and he may be vulnerable to making a connection with someone else, I don't see any brand new behavior in him that throws up red flags. Not to mention, I'm not some naive women who would let him tell me a condom in his car was one he took off of someone he arrested. I know how to snoop around, I consider myself pretty nosey. The only think I cannot do is check his phone. It's a dept issued phone and is locked at all times. He carries it with him everywhere, but he gets work related calls even on his days off.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I would be telling him one last time - I need more from you or I'll have to move on, with the kids, and you'll be alone.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If this behavior is common (you said he has been sullen for years) what has changed in you that you no longer tolerate it? Years?

What has made his mood unacceptable now? Have you told him how you
feel? Direct. To the point. There it is. He would understand that and maybe respect it delivered that way.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> If this behavior is common (you said he has been sullen for years) what has changed in you that you no longer tolerate it? Years?
> 
> What has made his mood unacceptable now? Have you told him how you
> feel? Direct. To the point. There it is. He would understand that and maybe respect it delivered that way.


The disagreement about taking a leave from work (I'm a pediatric nurse practitioner) was ongoing. I tried several way to approach it. I felt totally let down when he just refused to consider it. My anxiety was causing health problems and he didn't care, even though I had bent over backwards caring for him after his injury and subsequent surgery. This was just one of the many tragedies that our family experienced where I jumped into action and carried us all. To be honest I was finally sick of it. I stepped back a bit and things seemed so clear. My husband shouldn't be treating me like this. I should not have to worry about pleasing him all the time. His needs always came first, and I was done with that. I was starting to feel more confident. I guess I lacked that before. 

The more I pulled away, the better I felt. Then I started IC. My feelings were scaring me. She told me I should ask for a separation. I didn't think this would help my marriage, so I didn't ask him for one. But I think I wanted it.

Hubby and I have talked about this several times. He has apologized. But his behavior continues. He wants the old submissive, subservient me back. I think he would be happy with that. 
I think at this point I'm so resentful. I'm sensitive to the slightest grumpiness in him. What's made it worse is that he changed shifts so works in the evenings, so we rarely have time together. He is gone when the kids and I are home from work/school and we have gotten into our own routine. I don't miss him, because when he's here, we all feel the tension and walk on eggshells. No fun. 

I
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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

I guess my question is do people come back from this resentment? Am I being to harsh? Should I have forgiven him and just moved on? 
I thought I was setting boundaries but maybe I got carried away. 

How do I try to reconnect with him when being with him makes me feel so uncomfortable?
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Come back? Only if HE makes big strides in trying to see YOUR side of the marriage. Don't see that.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

sparrow, it sounds like you are making the effort to save the marriage. you want it to work. you went to counseling. you're willing to bend and do what he wants. you want peace. you try to involve him. the problem is that you are the only one who is trying. i guess you can try a little more, whatever that means. more strategies, or give it more time, but keeping the relationship as-is is not an option for you or your kids. forget about you for a minute, the kids deserve more, even if more means that they get to live without tension in the home and without walking on eggshells when dad is around.

It really is selfless of you to not want to cause any more loss in his life, but you're trying and there is only so much you can do. Since you are already detaching from him, you need to detach from your feelings that you're the bad guy if you leave him.

It sounds like he left you and the kids a long time ago. Set yourself free and either be alone or with someone who loves, cherishes, respects, and wants to have fun with you. Do no resign yourself to a life of unhappiness - looking forward to the days when your husband is not around.

I think you should calmly and matter-of-factly tell him where you stand and your feelings. It doesn't have to be about him. It can be all "I" statements. I feel lonely. I want more. I want give and take. I want more from a marriage. I want to be happy.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Wow Sparrow, I am right there with you! My husband is a LEO also and has the same attitudes down to a T. He is sullen, quiet, and withdrawn at home. Would rather work on one of his "projects" or screw around on the computer than spend any time with us. I brought 3 boys into our marriage and then we had a little girl together. His only interaction with the boys is to discipline. He doesn't really "play" with our daughter, but at least seems to enjoy having her around. We NEVER talk about anything of importance and it's gotten to the point that I'm scared to even try because he becomes very defensive and dismissive. But he's much more pleasant to talk to while he's at work. He just seems happier there. He once told me that the reason he fell in love with me was because I was always so positive about everything, but it's SO hard to keep that up when he's always so negative and seemingly missing from our relationship. He also suffered an injury at work. Actually 2. He had to take time off and get surgery in 2012 for a knee injury and was then on light duty. A few months after being back to full duty, he tore apart his other knee and again had to take time off, go on light duty, physical therapy, etc. It had a huge impact on our marriage because I got tired of his whining and making excuses not to do anything. I had snapped my patella in half in a car accident late 2011 and was back to my regular household duties in a week and back to work in 3. So I couldn't imagine how he could be so "injured" when his injury wasn't near the scale of mine! 
Sorry, realized I went off on a tangent... back to you OP.
I don't think it's an affair. I think our LEO husbands just "get" their co-workers. They may tell us about work, but we don't really understand what they are going through at work, and their co-workers do so they end up feeling more relaxed around them. My suggestion is to just sit down and talk to your husband. Get a sitter for the kids and have a heart to heart. I know I am. In fact, the kids are already at the sitter, I'm just waiting for him to wake up. Let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you OP.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

While any job can be stressful, I very much agree that some occupations definitely put a larger strain on a marriage. 
I've also seen people look at it the other way and say that there is a certain type of person that is drawn to such a career in the first place, and those "types" are more prone to relationship issues.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Thank you everyone for sharing your advice and wisdom. I clearly need it. 

I think hubby and I need to talk. Big time. When we can be alone. To be honest I'm terrified to talk to him. I'm worried about what he will say. At the same time, I am miserable at home and I need to move forward one way or another. 

I need some courage to talk to him. I'm gonna work on that.

I'm reading Co dependent no more, wow what an eye opener. Neither of us have struggled with substance abuse but I can identify with the co-dependent behavior and it needs to stop. I want to show my girls how to be a confident, independent yet loving woman.
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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I totally chickened out of talking to my H yesterday. Courage is something I seem to be lacking. Hope you have a better time of it than I do Sparrow. I have now mentioned to him twice that I'd like to talk, but it just hasn't seemed like an appropriate time. At least, that's what I tell myself. Really I am just terrified because he usually gets very defensive or dismissive and I don't want to start a fight or end up feeling worse than I do now. 
Let us know how it goes Sparrow, I'm sending you waves of courage across the internet!


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Happy Place, 
I completely understand chickening out. I've done it so many times. My husband is also the type to avoid confrontation so we hardly ever talk about unpleasant things. He has always been the type that thinks if he ignores it, it will go away. He has been out in the yard all day long. I've gone out to talk to him, see what he's doing, ask questions. He offers little conversation. So, what else can I do? 

I keep thinking about what I want to say when I talk to him. I was wondering if writing a letter would be better. Do you think this is cowardly? I mean, come on, I've been married to this guy a long time and have known him more than half my life, I should be able to talk to him about the state of our marriage! 

I think deep down he is a good man, with good values. But just isn't capable if giving the kind of love that I need. My dad was very much like him, a good man but stern, not affectionate, full of discipline and very little fun. As a teenager I sought attention from guys. I always had a boyfriend. I think I was looking for validation from a male that I wasn't getting at home. I don't want that for my girls.
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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Geez Sparrow, I think we may be clones, married to clones! lol 

If writing a letter is cowardly, I am WAY cowardly! I have done it countless times. Letters, emails, texts. My problem is that he NEVER responds to any of it and I don't end up feeling any better because nothing actually gets resolved. I think we both need to just suck it up and get to talking. With that said, maybe try writing out a letter so that you have time to formulate your thoughts, being able to erase and reword as you please. But don't give him the letter so much as remember it, or even read it to him. I know my talk has to start with "Hey, I've been very apprehensive about coming to you because I feel you are usually very defensive/dismissive, but I need to get some things off my chest and would appreciate your input." I've had a LOT of time to think about what and how I want to say things as I've been putting this off for a really long time! 
I think I was trying his method and hoping that if I just put up with it long enough, it would resolve itself. It just didn't work for me. I would really love to know the secret of their success with this!

I know my husband is a good man, with good values, and definitely not capable of showing the emotion and intimacy that I so crave. Unfortunately, I've never really been "single" since I was probably 13 and sought validation in all the wrong ways! It's definitely had it's lingering side effects. Because he was raised to be emotionally detached, I often feel closest to him when we are being intimate. So when I am feeling emotionally neglected, I tend to turn to sex. He ends up complaining that all I think about is sex. I don't think he has ever understood that it is not the physical act that I'm actually seeking but that closeness to him.
I understand not wanting that for your daughters. I had never thought about how his seemingly emotionless ways would affect our daughter. We only have one girl, a 5 year old, and so far he does really well with her and is very involved. I hope that sticks!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sparrow, when you married him, did you envision yourself afraid to talk to your husband?

Then why be that person now? What's the worst that can happen? He'll be angry? You'll split up?


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Turnera, 

I think what I'm afraid of is, if we talk, and he says he is done because nothing he does if ever good enough ( this is what he's said before, so I predict he may say something along those lines), then I will have to start thinking about planning the next move, separation, telling the kids, etc

If he says he wants to work on things, Im not sure what to say next. Do I demand counseling? I keep hearing that counseling can sometimes be worse for your marriage, and the IC I went to last year told me she thought I should ask for a separation. That wouldn't have helped my marriage, IMO. 
Do I tell him how angry I am? He always says I hold a grudge and treat him like the enemy. Maybe this is true. 

Sometimes I think I'm done trying. But then I think about my kids. What would be best for them, for our family? Would they be damaged by our split? 
Then I think of my vows, I should honor them. He is not an abuser, a cheater, a drug addict.
Then again, is it really good enough to say, "well at least he doesn't beat me!" If what I have right now is all I will ever get out of this marriage, is that ok? Life is short. 

Those are my thoughts, fears, worries about the talk and what is keeping me from having it.
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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

MyHappyPlace said:


> Geez Sparrow, I think we may be clones, married to clones! lol
> 
> If writing a letter is cowardly, I am WAY cowardly! I have done it countless times. Letters, emails, texts. My problem is that he NEVER responds to any of it and I don't end up feeling any better because nothing actually gets resolved. I think we both need to just suck it up and get to talking. With that said, maybe try writing out a letter so that you have time to formulate your thoughts, being able to erase and reword as you please. But don't give him the letter so much as remember it, or even read it to him. I know my talk has to start with "Hey, I've been very apprehensive about coming to you because I feel you are usually very defensive/dismissive, but I need to get some things off my chest and would appreciate your input." I've had a LOT of time to think about what and how I want to say things as I've been putting this off for a really long time!
> I think I was trying his method and hoping that if I just put up with it long enough, it would resolve itself. It just didn't work for me. I would really love to know the secret of their success with this!
> ...


MHP,

I like your idea of writing a letter. I can organize my thoughts and then talk to him. I put off unpleasant things so I doubt it will be tomorrow, but that will be my plan. 

We differ in that I have not wanted to be intimate for a while. I feel hurt and taken advantage of by him and sex just makes me feel like I'm giving in even more. The more I detach, the less attracted I am to him. 

He is an involved dad in that he attend the kids sporting events, school functions, dr appts. But the emotion is not there. He's kind of robotic. Like, he does the right things, what a dad/husband should do, but it isn't done with love. There is no feeling behind it. He is such a rule follower, totally by the book, so I think he just feels like as long as he does his duty, it's good enough and I shouldn't complain. 

Good luck with finding your courage!
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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Stop trying to change your husband. Right. now.

From what you have written, he sounds extremely self-centered maybe even narcissistic. It's all about HIM. All of the time. Your moods revolve around HIM. You try to protect the children from HIM.
You are co-dependent on HIM.

He is not going to magically change. He doesn't want to.

You are a "check in the box" to HIM.

Job - check
Wife - check
Children - check
House - check.

HIM - "Now that all my boxes are checked, I can do whatever I want with friends & my hobbies." Remember he is not "grumpy" with those activities.

Accepting who he is will bring clarity to your situation. With clarity, you can decide if you want to stay married or not.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Exactly! Like on anniversaries, Mother's Day, he will give me a card and write nice things like: you're a great mom, I don't know how I would have gotten through xyz without you, I appreciate you. 
So, he's said it, and now we can move on. I never heard those words come out of his mouth, but he wrote it in a card on an appropriate holiday so, check that box. 

I know I can't change him. When we were first dating and married, I think I thought i could. It was a challenge, I needed to earn his love and acceptance etc. 
But now, I'm angry with him for making me try so hard. 
My IC told me something that stuck with me and made me feel guilty. She said that I "sold"him something early in our relationship (being a pleaser, waiting on him, essentially, being co-dependent on him) that I was no longer willing to provide. Which is true. Is that fair? I didn't mean to do that, I guess I've just mature some, gained some confidence, looked around and noticed that many men treat their wives differently, in a good way. And I don't want to always have to earn every bit of love that I get.
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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Thank you Betulana. I know I will definitely be checking out those sights. I often felt that my husband and I were only together because it was his duty. I got pregnant before we were really even in a relationship. We were both seeing other people and were actually not even really talking anymore when I realized I was pregnant. We ended up moving in together, and buying a house a few months later. When our daughter was about 18 months, we were having some really hard times and started seeing a therapist. Marriage was a real issue for me. When she asked him why he would want to marry me his response was "Well, we already have the baby, the house, it's just the next best thing." I was SO hurt, I decided I would NEVER marry him, I didn't want to be anybody's "next best thing." Well, fast forward another 3 years and we got married more or less on a whim. We had gotten our license in January and just held onto it. Then one day in September I called him from work and was like "Want to get married next Tuesday?" so we did. It's been a struggle for 6 years for me to accept that he won't talk to me about anything really. But to just appreciate that he does work his butt off to support our family and that despite everything we've been through, he comes home every day and has NEVER given me any reason to suspect an affair. Now, I know I still need to open up some lines of communication with him, but I feel calmer about it now. Insight from others really seems to help.

Now, why I actually came back to this thread. lol
Sparrow, how is that letter coming along? Are you finding it easier to think through what you want to say and have a game plan?


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Betulanana, 
Thanks for the suggestions. I will check out your thread. Just today at work I was talking to a patient's mom who happened to mention her husband was a LEO. We briefly shared stories and she gave me the feeling that she has been through a lot with her husband. Good and bad and that she understands the toll that type of career takes on the entire family. 
For the first time in a while, I felt compassion for my husband just thinking about the things he's been through over the years. That said, He is a man of few words and unfortunately, many of his actions have been hurtful because he doesn't show love or concern. I take care of my kids and kids at work and my husband. Sometimes I need to be taken care of too, but he has rarely been able to do this. That's that part that makes me sad and wonder if I want to live the rest of my life being content with a man who is so robotic. Maybe it would help to hear from other LEO wives. 

I'm a bit afraid of mentioning any of this to a friend. All his friends are LEO. But my husband is very private and doubt he has mentioned this to anyone. If anything, he may have told the only female co-worker he has, but I don't want to discuss my marriage trouble with her. 

I agree with My Happy Place that it helps to share things here with others and get their feedback. I feel better about the situation. Less alone and more motivated to move forward. So thank you again.

MyHappyPlace- 
I'm such a procrastinator! Work has actually been really busy the last few days so I haven't had much time. But I'm thinking about it constantly. I'm still reading co-dependent no more and it is really helping me see things more clearly. I just hope it isnt too late. I''ve been worried that we have drifted too far apart to repair things now. Either way, we need to communicate and I don't think he's going to make the first move. It's up to me. I don't think I'm going to talk to him about things from the past, times he's hurt me, etc. I think I need to focus on finding out how he's feeling about us and if he wants to work on things and go to counseling. If he won't agree to work on us, then I don't know what else I can do. I'm so unhappy. I want to enjoy my life. I have so many things to be grateful for but I'm spending so much time obsessing about my marriage troubles. 
Are you any closer to having your talk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Procrastinators unite!! 

I always find a "good" reason to put it off. Today is his birthday, tomorrow is mine so I convinced myself that putting it off for a few more days wouldn't hurt. Don't want to upset the apple cart with the celebrations going on. Especially since he is already super sour about his birthday. I keep trying to tell him that it's the only day he can go around and legitimately say he is 15 years older than his wife. lol 
I swear I'm going to get to "the talk" soon. I think the other thing is that since coming to this site, I have genuinely felt happier and better. I'm not sure if it's just my perception or if my attitude change has had an effect on my marriage and the way we've been interacting. Now that I think of it, I have been more attentive to him in the last week...


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I know that many people are not religious but this passage means a lot to me and it is in a way one of the principles I have lived by.


1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. 
When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.


I have always taken this to mean that as a man it is up to me to take care of things and as far as is in my power make things right.

This does not always make me the life and soul of the party more the designated driver who will ensure we all get home in one piece.

One persons Grumpy may be another Serious.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Did your wife ever ask you to be less serious?


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

It's been a long week. Things are just getting worse around here. My grumpy hubby has been sleeping on the couch or in the guest room, off and on for a few months. He says its because our youngest kid climbs in our bed during the night and wakes him up. I've suggested we work on getting her back into her bed all night long but that I need his help. He just says she's old enough to not feel scared etc a d we shouldn't have to "work" to make her sleep in her bed all night. Anyway, this week, he's slept in the guest room every night, even when I've asked him to sleep in our bed. Tonight he did the same. The kids seemed uncomfortable with it. They were telling him they would clean up our room and turn the tv on and be quiet in their rooms. But he didn't budge. He just went in the guest room, turned off the light and shut the door. 

This evening wasn't much better. He had been home with the kids all day while I worked and he seemed irritated when I got home. I asked if he needed some time to himself, suggesting he take a drive or a bike ride. He didnt want to. He sat on the couch all evening, silent most of the time. It was so uncomfortable. I would have rather been anywhere else. 

He's also been telling the kids he's moving to Hawaii. He is joking of course, but he keeps saying it and the kids are feeling worried, I think. They can sense something is wrong. They keep asking if he's really leaving. It's almost as if he's doing it so we will all say "oh, please don't go!"

I just wanted to scream at him tonight for acting the way he does. But I didn't. I let him go to sleep alone in the guest room and I went to watch tv in our bedroom. 

I fear things are about to explode. I can't take this anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Oh boy, Sparrow! This is bad ((hugs)).

Does he have trouble sleeping or do you think he does not like the closeness?
Do you think it is really because your daughter woke him up?

Did you ask him why he did not say anything when he sat on the couch? Wrote your letter?


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

He has trouble sleeping because he works late and then has troubling winding down. So he usually stays up watching tv and falls asleep on the couch. I used to go wake him up every night to tell him to come to bed. I stopped doing that because it got old. I started to think, he's an adult, if he wants to come sleep in his own bed, he will do it. I should have to get up in the middle of the night to make him come to bed. So, his excuses go back and forth from falling asleep on the couch to not wanting to sleep in our bed because our D7 is there and kicks him in her sleep or sleeps too close. 
We have a king sized bed so its not as if we are all crammed in there. 
Maybe I should have been asking him more questions about it. I'm just to the point where I don't want to have to baby him anymore. We are both adults. And it would make me more upset if he were doing this all for attention. 

I didn't write the letter. I'm dragging my feet. I'm still afraid of the confrontation. But, I honestly haven't had a ton of time. I worked late a few nights this week and the kids and their sports, shuffling them around to practices etc. 

Times like last night, where its so uncomfortable to even be in the same room because of his grumpiness, make me want to leave. It makes me mad that I wasted an otherwise fine Friday night waking on eggshells in my own house. 

Thanks for listening, Betulanana. I thought of your advice yesterday. There is a dad on my kid's team that is a LEO with another agency, I asked him about the job and how if effects moods and behaviors. He said that he remembers when he started his job, they were warned about falling into the reclusive type of behavior and closing up to your loved ones. He didnt offer much else but I know it's probably common among those type of careers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nothing will change until you make changes. You can start with getting your daughter to stop sleeping in your bed. You don't need your husband to do that.


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## Sparrow77 (Mar 18, 2013)

Actually, I do need his help. I put the kids to bed every night. Four out of seven nights, he isn't home, he's working. D7 starts in her own bed, but often wakes up and comes into our bed. I usually do not even know she's there until morning. So, when he would get home from work and come to bed, he would carry her back to her bed. Other times, he would wake her up and tell her to go back to her bed. Then she would be awake, scared in the dark, crying, etc. when this happens, he gets irritated and shuts down, he ignores her and goes back to sleep. Then I'm awake and expected to deal with it. 
I think he needs to help. I have to be up early for work and shouldn't be the only one dealing with her when she's upset. He, on the other hand works in the afternoon and can sleep all morning if he wants to. 
I have no problem with her in our bed, really. My older daughter did the same thing and eventually grew out of it. I think if it bothers him so much, he should be willing to make some effort to change it. Not expect me to fix it like he does with most other things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I had a serious talk with my husband 3 years ago. I told him that things were going way off track with us, and that if they continued like this, I was going to have a hard time coming back from it. I told him specifically what I needed from him and made it very concrete and simple. And, he did nothing. I'm pretty sure he'd forgotten the talk entirely within a week. 

I'm just sharing this so that you're prepared in case it goes that way for you too. I was expecting anything but to be totally ignored (why I expected anything BUT being totally ignored is beyond me, because that's all I've ever gotten from him). It was really hard, and ended up doing more damage than anything else.

If I could re-do it, I'd skip the talking and go straight to the love languages/7 principles while I had any affection left at all.

Good luck to you. It's the worst feeling to wake up and realize that you have another child, not a husband. I definitely had a few panic attacks when I first realized what the truth of my marriage was. It's so hard.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I meant was, it only takes a few nights to get a kid to learn they're not allowed in your bed any more. A few hard nights, for sure, for you - you'll probably get no sleep. But she'll figure it out if you're persistent.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

northernlights said:


> If I could re-do it, I'd skip the talking and go straight to the love languages/7 principles while I had any affection left at all.


Could you explain this, nothernlights?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

betulanana said:


> Could you explain this, nothernlights?


What I mean is, I had "heart to hearts" with H every few months for years, honestly. I'd tell him how I was feeling, that I thought we were not on a good track with our relationship, and tell him what I needed him to do (I'd make these very concrete and easy. Like when the younger one wasn't sleeping through the night at 3 1/2 YEARS old and I was on the verge of a breakdown, I told him I really needed sleep and asked him to take the girls out to breakfast one morning). Simple, concrete things that I needed him to do for me. And he'd say "Sure, of course I'll do that, I want this to work," blah blah blah. But he never would. Never. I've seen people called out here for using the word "never" but it's really true.

The last time we had one of these conversations, I told him that I really wasn't feeling loved, things were getting really bad, and even though I'm not a materialistic/gifts person, I needed an expensive Christmas present, because it was just the only thing left that I could think of. I told him, I need how much you spend to be a reflection of how much you love me and value me. I need it in numbers because I'm feeling so hopeless about us right now. We are not millionaires, but we have enough money that he could buy me a 2k set of diamond studs and it wouldn't make a difference to our bank account.

He spent $70 that christmas. 

So, it ended up that talking and asking him to do things just got my hopes up and gave him the chance to let me down again. That disappointment really used up the last of my hope and positive feelings. Asking him to do what I needed had not, in 13 years EVER worked with him. What I should have done was put my energy into myself first, set boundaries, and valued my own feelings as much as I wanted him to value them. I should have bought myself the studs. I should have stopped having sex with him because I didn't want to any more instead of drinking to get through it. I should have done these things while I still had enough respect for him to maybe find our way back. 

If that had shocked him into taking me seriously, I should have done the his needs/her needs stuff with him (actually print it out and make him do it), and then the exercises in 7 principles for making marriage work. That would have had a better chance of working than doing the same stuff, which obviously had never worked.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Thanks for your detailed explanation, nothernlights!

Are you still with your husband?


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