# Not to be blunt...but I am freaking horny.....



## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

and my husband doesn't do it for me.  He is a paraplegic and so that translate to this is what our sex life looks like...

him giving me the thumb and going down on me.

very boring. 

We have had intercourse MAYBE 10-15 times in 7 YEARS! 

I don't know how to spice things up. Even with little blue pills it gets up, but my hips a so screwed up from childbirth, I have a hard time doing all the work.

Honestly, i think the only reason why I haven't cheated on him is because my self image is horrible and I've gained a lot of weight since we were first married and had two babies.

What we have together just doesn't satisfy my need. It's so much more than just needing an orgasm. It's physical...not emotional. There are certain positions i crave...but we can't do it. 

I'm so frustrated.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

That must be horrible... but I hope there is more to you not cheating than simply a poor self-image - in fact its usually the other way around, often those with poor self image are the ones seeking physical validation.

I have no experience with dealing with a physically disabled spouse but I think there are a few others - that he is atleast able to use the blue pill is I think a big benefit and though the frequency certainly doesn't meet your needs perhaps there is a psychological way to cope and still get some sizzle somehow.

I can't even begin to imagine how horrible it must be for your H also to not be getting any plus also seeing his W he loves unfulfilled.

Have you consulted with any sex therapists? If there are none skilled enough to help with such a disability maybe they could refer to one who is? (I don't know just kind of brainstorming).


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Lon said:


> That must be horrible... but I hope there is more to you not cheating than simply a poor self-image - in fact its usually the other way around, often those with poor self image are the ones seeking physical validation.
> 
> I have no experience with dealing with a physically disabled spouse but I think there are a few others - that he is atleast able to use the blue pill is I think a big benefit and though the frequency certainly doesn't meet your needs perhaps there is a psychological way to cope and still get some sizzle somehow.
> 
> ...


Morally i know it's wrong to cheat. Other than that, yeah I'm very self conscious with my body these days. What I desire sexually...there is no way to get that from my H. My marriage sucks right now. I think if we had a healthy relationship I'd be willing to see a sex therapist. I'm seeing a therapist on my own for my own depression and issues. I doubt he would see a sex therapist even if I asked him to.

I don't even know what I'm trying to get out of this thread. I just need somewhere to vent as I don't have anyone IRL that I could vent to. 

see here for some more info: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/46700-newbie.html


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

PT80, I just read your other threads and it seems quite clear that you don't love him and never loved him, been infatuated with your old bf all along. So no wonder the sex really sux, aside from him not being able to do much you were never into it with him in the first place. I'm assuming you haven't physically cheated on him, and so of course your two children are biologically his too?

The only reason you haven't already divorced him is because you depend on cohabitating in order to get by... so do each of you have any other family members or close friends you could temporarily (more of a long-term type temporary probably) cohabitate with instead? Then once you've found a way to make not living together work you can split amicably (as much as possible considering its probably going to be a one-sided decision for you).

And from what I see on the other thread, he was disabled before you met him so atleast there is not going to be the element of "for better or for worse" right before he suffered a paralyizing injury - in other words he's not going to feel that his disability isn't the driving factor, it's just that your heart has never really been in it.

Oh and as for your old bf, sounds like he is moving forward in his life without you, so before you go hoping this will free you to pursue that, just realize that love and happiness comes from within us alone, it is never from a "soul mate" in other words there are lots of potential perfect mates that get us really well. So you really should just work on learning how to find happiness within yourself before seraching for a long term partner or else you will always be disatisfied with the one you pick (and that includes sexually too, you can be happy celibate, just nobody wants that and with good reason because sex is a very powerful drug!)


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Lon said:


> PT80, I just read your other threads and it seems quite clear that you don't love him and never loved him, been infatuated with your old bf all along.
> 
> *There was a time where I did love him. I don't think I loved him like I should have to be marrying him though. *
> 
> ...


I feel so lonely. I want a man that supports me and doesn't just sit on the side lines.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I feel so lonely. I want a man that supports me and doesn't just sit on the side lines.


I've read some of your other posts. You knew he was disabled when you married him. You married him knowing that he is a parapelgic. Was he working then? Did he said he would work?

Surely you knew what challenges were in store....:scratchhead:

I don't know what it's like to be the spouse of a paraplegic. When I was in university, I used to have a small part-time job taking class notes for someone with quadriplegia. He went on to become an attorney. Here's a site he uses. It's a forum for those with spinal cord injuries and their carers.

Cafe Apparelyzed - Quadriplegic & Paraplegic Spinal Cord Injuries


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The least of your issues is sex so keep up with the counseling.If you are horny and his going down on you is not working then get a vibrator and some other toys to make it fun. 

It sounds like you are going to leave him so are you still fooling around with you Husband at all?


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

So he can get an erection with pills but just feels nothing? That's pretty neat. I did not know that was possible. I assume he doesn't have orgasms and you can ride him for as long as you want, then stop when you are done. 

Crazy.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I've read some of your other posts. You knew he was disabled when you married him. You married him knowing that he is a parapelgic. Was he working then? Did he said he would work?
> 
> *We had sex when we were first married. It was exciting at first because I hadn't had kids yet and my hips didn't bother me. It was something new. I liked being in control. Now....I'm tired of it. I want to be taken control of.*
> 
> ...





dubbizle said:


> The least of your issues is sex so keep up with the counseling.If you are horny and his going down on you is not working then get a vibrator and some other toys to make it fun.
> 
> It sounds like you are going to leave him so are you still fooling around with you Husband at all?


*about 2 weeks ago is the last time we fooled around. I tried to just give in and give him what he wanted and see if a spark would come back. Don't get me wrong it's nice to orgasm, but it's not intimate and I don't feel anything emotionally.*



Aristotle said:


> So he can get an erection with pills but just feels nothing? That's pretty neat. I did not know that was possible. I assume he doesn't have orgasms and you can ride him for as long as you want, then stop when you are done.
> 
> Crazy.


He can feel it...it's a different sensation. Blue pills barely work for him, so I can not ride as long as I would like.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

PurpleTurtle you've got yourself in a difficult situation. Seems to me you only have a few choices:

1. Divorce
2. Affair (which would likely destroy your marriage and hurt your husband deeply).
3. Open marriage (which I don't recommend at all, from what I hear they have a VERY high divorce rate).
4. Live with your marriage as is (I know that is terribly hard).

I don't like divorce personally (outside of infidelity or physical abuse), especially when there are children. But this isn't my decision, it's yours.

Does your husband know how terribly sexually dissatisfied you are?


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> PurpleTurtle you've got yourself in a difficult situation. Seems to me you only have a few choices:
> 
> 1. Divorce
> 2. Affair (which would likely destroy your marriage and hurt your husband deeply).
> ...


He's been cheated on by his ex wife, so he already expects me to have an affair. I wouldn't...but he expects me to. 

I would never have an open marriage.

I've already been living with my marriage. All of this has been going on for the last 5 years.

He knows I want more, but I don't think he knows how much it really affects me. I don't have the heart to tell him as there is really nothing he can do about it.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> He's been cheated on by his ex wife, so he already expects me to have an affair. I wouldn't...but he expects me to.
> 
> I would never have an open marriage.
> 
> ...


Yeah I was just trying to lay out all the options (as I saw them). I'm not a big fan of open marriages personally, or having affairs. Both IMO create more problems then they ever solve, and just reading a bit in the section of the forum with spouses/couples recovering from infidelity... well it really opens you eyes to just how much pain it causes everyone.

I suspect he doesn't understand how much it hurts. I know my wife has a terribly hard time understanding how hard it is for me. I do think it's important to talk to him about it or talk to a therapist about it... you NEED to talk about it though. Else all that pain will just turn into resentment.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Yeah I was just trying to lay out all the options (as I saw them). I'm not a big fan of open marriages personally, or having affairs. Both IMO create more problems then they ever solve, and just reading a bit in the section of the forum with spouses/couples recovering from infidelity... well it really opens you eyes to just how much pain it causes everyone.
> 
> I suspect he doesn't understand how much it hurts. I know my wife has a terribly hard time understanding how hard it is for me. I do think it's important to talk to him about it or talk to a therapist about it... you NEED to talk about it though. Else all that pain will just turn into resentment.


I've got so much resentment. There is a lot of hurt he has caused me as well that I can't seem to get past.

I have started seeing a therapist. She is really nice. I see her every two weeks. I see her this Tuesday. I love our time together, she doesn't judge me at all.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> I've got so much resentment. There is a lot of hurt he has caused me as well that I can't seem to get past.
> 
> I have started seeing a therapist. She is really nice. I see her every two weeks. I see her this Tuesday. I love our time together, she doesn't judge me at all.


Yeah having an intelligent nonjudgmental ear is so vital when dealing with serious issues like these that build resentment. I kind of suspected you already had a lot built up by now... just didn't want to presume.

Is there much laughter and joy in your house? If not, perhaps finding creative ways to bring that back home will help. I know my wife and I love watching movies and TV shows on netflix together. We pause all the time and talk and talk about the film, ideas, what's on our hearts from the day... w/e.

Now not plugging netflix here... but trying to find something that you two can do together and increase communication and bring some fun/joy into your lives might be just what the doctor ordered while you are working through things in therapy and making up your mind in general.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Yeah having an intelligent nonjudgmental ear is so vital when dealing with serious issues like these that build resentment. I kind of suspected you already had a lot built up by now... just didn't want to presume.
> 
> Is there much laughter and joy in your house? If not, perhaps finding creative ways to bring that back home will help. I know my wife and I love watching movies and TV shows on netflix together. We pause all the time and talk and talk about the film, ideas, what's on our hearts from the day... w/e.
> 
> Now not plugging netflix here... but trying to find something that you two can do together and increase communication and bring some fun/joy into your lives might be just what the doctor ordered while you are working through things in therapy and making up your mind in general.


When my husband is home there is rarely laughter. I was a social butterfly before I was married...and now...I never go out.We very rarely do anything as a family. We have our TV shows that we watch together but we don't talk about them. We rarely have conversation outside of talking about the kids, whats for dinner, the daily mundane. We argue over everything; so i just keep quiet.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> When my husband is home there is rarely laughter. I was a social butterfly before I was married...and now...I never go out.We very rarely do anything as a family. We have our TV shows that we watch together but we don't talk about them. We rarely have conversation outside of talking about the kids, whats for dinner, the daily mundane. We argue over everything; so i just keep quiet.




Perhaps you can try and spark some conversation? We actually throttle back TV a lot, and we don't have any at the dinner table. We insist on no toys, books or anything at the dinner table. Only conversation. We tend to either talk, or when conversation dies down I have a number of games I whip out that are fun for the kids. I go around the table asking kids trivia questions (a way I also teach them history and geography). We go around the table saying 1-3 words and create stories... it doesn't really matter what, but try and see if you can prime the pump and add some joy at home!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I am so, so glad you made this post. I feel like a lot of people who are in your situation, dealing with spouses who've faced injury or disability that impairs sex, remain silent out of deep guilt that they're not getting their physical needs met. We were just having a debate about this in another thread, and I made the point that yes, sometimes spouses in your position do love their SO, but might struggle with sexual fulfillment.

I can totally see why you would be going unsatisfied, but do you think your own hip issues, poor self esteem, and weight gain, are also effecting your husband's enthusiasm in the bed?

EDIT: Nevermind. Having read the rest of this thread, and the other one you linked, I see that you just got involved in a marriage too soon, were too immature to make a solid decision, and are now coming to regret the choices you've made. This has nothing to do with sexual satisfaction, and everything to do with you just not being satisfied with your life at all.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Perhaps you can try and spark some conversation? We actually throttle back TV a lot, and we don't have any at the dinner table. We insist on no toys, books or anything at the dinner table. Only conversation. We tend to either talk, or when conversation dies down I have a number of games I whip out that are fun for the kids. I go around the table asking kids trivia questions (a way I also teach them history and geography). We go around the table saying 1-3 words and create stories... it doesn't really matter what, but try and see if you can prime the pump and add some joy at home!


Thanks.  H is addicted to TV/video games. He comes home from work and immediately turns the TV on.  If it were up to me, we wouldn't even have a TV.

I'll try the fun talking games at the dinner table with the kids...but for the most part it's a silent dinner between H and I. I always talk to the kids. If H and I go out to eat by ourselves, we end up just sitting there. NO conversation what so ever. I admit that I have stopped trying.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I am so, so glad you made this post. I feel like a lot of people who are in your situation, dealing with spouses who've faced injury or disability that impairs sex, remain silent out of deep guilt that they're not getting their physical needs met. We were just having a debate about this in another thread, and I made the point that yes, sometimes spouses in your position do love their SO, but might struggle with sexual fulfillment.
> 
> I can totally see why you would be going unsatisfied, but do you think your own hip issues, poor self esteem, and weight gain, are also effecting your husband's enthusiasm in the bed?


My husband is always up for a romp in the sack. I know he finds me attractive and is still turned on by me. He does try to make it the best he can. I think a lot of it also is that I'm no longer attracted to him.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> My husband is always up for a romp in the sack. I know he finds me attractive and is still turned on by me. He does try to make it the best he can. I think a lot of it also is that I'm no longer attracted to him.


Well I assumed you two communicated a lot more before, at least before marriage. I suspect a lot of your changing attitudes have to do with his being preoccupied with entertainment and not with you.

Communication is the life's blood of a relationship, if it stops the relationship dies. You can start to turn it around, but he has to want to help change things as well. Have you had a serious conversation about how unhappy you are even outside the bedroom? If he's hooked on video games it will be hard for him to stop, but encourage him to try and spend more time instead doing something with you?

Do you two have anything you enjoy doing together? For example my wife loves Scrabble... never been my particular favorite, but we play it together often because it gives us something to have fun to do when we aren't talking... lol and complaining about getting too many "I"'s is always a good conversation started. That and that 66 point word my wife got the other night... though we still talk about that 125+ point word I got a couple of years ago (it was "Lizards" and it used all my tiles, got tripled and got me a few small words going sideways).


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PurpleTurtle80 said:


> My husband is always up for a romp in the sack. I know he finds me attractive and is still turned on by me. He does try to make it the best he can. I think a lot of it also is that I'm no longer attracted to him.


Oh, I edited my post after further reading your response, and issues from the other thread.

I think you issues run much deeper than sexual dissatisfaction.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

PT80, like others had said there are a lot of issues for you to work out as a couple and personally and sex while important is not at the top of the pyramid right now. Being horny won't kill you, trust me I'm figuring this out - it does make for a lot more anxiety in dealing with depression and finding ourselves having to overcome the issues of of our past that haven't gone away simply prevented us from getting unstuck from the spot, especially when we've watched so much water flow under the bridge.

Just try to realize your issues and separate them from his or the issues you need to work on. A therapist should be able to help you through all this if you have a good one and are being honest with yourself and the therapist.

Good luck, I know if you and your H both want to marriage to work there are no obstacles too great - yeah maybe a huge challenge to overcome, but happiness comes not from just completing the chore but also the attitude we embrace as we toil.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Well I assumed you two communicated a lot more before, at least before marriage. I suspect a lot of your changing attitudes have to do with his being preoccupied with entertainment and not with you.
> 
> *We knew each other for three months before we married. A lot of that time was spent in front of the tv. even during the year and a half we were married before children.*
> 
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Honestly it sounds like your marriage is already dead, and the only thing left to do is bury the corpse.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Honestly it sounds like your marriage is already dead, and the only thing left to do is bury the corpse.


I hate to say it, but I agree. 

I am curious what made you fall in love with him? Has he changed or have you (clearly something has changed)?

The only way I can see your marriage being revived is if you two can find a way to communicate... but it sounds like that would require him to change who he is in the process. Sounds like he's never been much of a communicator. 

Though remember we are just some random folks in the internet... this is a decision only you can make.


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## PurpleTurtle80 (May 20, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> I hate to say it, but I agree.
> 
> I am curious what made you fall in love with him? Has he changed or have you (clearly something has changed)?
> 
> ...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I have always been of the opinion that sex consummates the marriage, validates it, and you have to have sex to keep the marriage in a state of consummation.

It's an ongoing process and when it can't happen, or doesn't happen, or won't happen, that the marriage becomes invalid.

Now. . .that doesn't mean that it's someone's fault, someone is to blame, someone is evil, or you're a bad person or he's a bad person. It just means when sex stops, the relationship is no longer a marriage.

I think what I am having trouble ascertaining is whether the marriage is consummated or not.

With the blue pills, it seems like it is in a state of consummatioin.

So. . .it comes down to a type of sex you wish you were having, no? You want to be pounded from behind or swing from a chandalier or whatever, no?

Honey, I hate to tell you. . .we have all been there. Paraplegia or no paraplegia.

Welcome to the world of being a normal couple, the both of you.

I want a threesome.

Doesn't mean I am getting one, does it?

My kid wants an X-box at my house. Doesn't mean he's getting one either.

As the 60's hippie song goes:

"You can't always get what you want. . .but if you try real hard, you can get what you need."

Good luck.

Sorry, I don't give you the divorce pass.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Isn't what you miss the most really intimacy and not just sex? Put another way, if you had to choose, would you rather have someone you could talk to, share with, someone who genuinely seemed interested in your opinions and feelings, even if that person wasn't able to give you dynamite orgasms, or an indifferent partner who didn't communicate but would ride you like a stolen mule twice a week? Honestly, you can get yourself off but you can't make yourself feel loved and valued. I'm in basically a sexless marriage, too, but if I'm honest about it, I miss the passionate kisses, the tenderness, and intimate conversation more than the slap and tickle. Your husband has pretty severe physical issues but he can still show you his heart and speak to your's. Trying to repair that damage might give you more relief than focusing on the mechanics of the sexual relationship.


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