# STBX has a new girlfriend



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I have been MIA from this site trying to focus on my own happiness. I thought I found it in many ways, I have been working hard being back in university, in between the uni work I devote most of my time to my now one year old daughter. I have also recently entered a new relationship with a great man. He is everything my STBX was not and I truly appreciate him even though I may not be as head over heels as I was with STBX, this could be attributed by maturity or perhaps I am not as invested as I think I am...

STBX is still a deadbeat, still hasn't seen my daughter since he up-ed and left when she was 3 weeks' old. He has emailed me a few times with a sob story of his life and promising to pay child support and always vanishing without a trace, this has been a repeated pattern in his behaviour. 

I could not resist the urge to stalk him on social media and lo and behold, he has a new girlfriend. A very attractive one at that. I thought I was over him, I go most days without thinking about him. However, the wave of emotions that hit me was unlike anything I have experienced. I felt nauseous, suffocated and a sharp tightening of my chest. I can't help but feel heartbroken.

He hasn't even spent a cent on his daughter, can't be arsed to pay her a visit, yet he can spend time with this new girl who KNOWS he has a daughter - she comments on photos of her on his social media (photos stolen off my profile), surely she would know that he never sees his child? How can it not bother her? Why am I even so affected? Am I not over him? Was entering a relationship a bad idea? I had been single over a year and was reluctant to enter a relationship but my boyfriend was nothing but understanding and supportive and I just fell for him. I don't even know what to think anymore, just so confused....

I don't know if it's worth mentioning but at times I question myself about my new boyfriend. Am I simply channeling my residual feelings for my ex towards him? Or am I sabotaging an otherwise healthy relationship? We aren't attached by the hip, the relationship is extremely safe...almost too safe for me? Perhaps I am being irrational or unstable and seeking some form of extremity and danger with him. I told him I was very much into BDSM, violent sex and wanted to be abused and called names and he refused and said he would never disrespect me like that. I was gutted. Am I the problem?? 

Sex is good though, just not kinky enough. Am I just being unappreciative? I do care for him deeply, we have great conversations, I trust him wholeheartedly, he is generous, hardworking, respectful, attentive, open-minded. However, I often find myself comparing him to my ex and wondering why the butterflies are missing. We have only been together for 3 months. Do I do him a favour and let him go to find someone more stable or do I give him a chance? I would hate to let a good man like him go. We connect well but he is very decent and I have always been attracted to 'bad boys' and risk-takers.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> I have been MIA from this site trying to focus on my own happiness. I thought I found it in many ways, I have been working hard being back in university, in between the uni work I devote most of my time to my now one year old daughter. I have also recently entered a new relationship with a great man. He is everything my STBX was not and I truly appreciate him even though I may not be as head over heels as I was with STBX, this could be attributed by maturity or perhaps I am not as invested as I think I am...
> 
> STBX is still a deadbeat, still hasn't seen my daughter since he up-ed and left when she was 3 weeks' old. He has emailed me a few times with a sob story of his life and promising to pay child support and always vanishing without a trace, this has been a repeated pattern in his behaviour.
> 
> ...


Her life will be what your life was, with him. These types don't ever change. It will hurt for a while, because YOU loved him, but he sounds incapable of it. And he probably spins a tale that paints you as the bad one. Just cry when you need to, but know that your life will get better, but his will always be empty...and all the women he ends up with, will soon learn what you did. Sorry you're in pain, though.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> Louise McCann said:
> 
> 
> > I have been MIA from this site trying to focus on my own happiness. I thought I found it in many ways, I have been working hard being back in university, in between the uni work I devote most of my time to my now one year old daughter. I have also recently entered a new relationship with a great man. He is everything my STBX was not and I truly appreciate him even though I may not be as head over heels as I was with STBX, this could be attributed by maturity or perhaps I am not as invested as I think I am...
> ...


Thank you for your compassion thats very sweet of you. 

I am telling myself that he is only happy because it's a new relationship and he is high on lust. Once the honeymoon phase subsides, he will probably do the same - bail.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you for your compassion thats very sweet of you.
> 
> I am telling myself that he is only happy because it's a new relationship and he is high on lust. Once the honeymoon phase subsides, he will probably do the same - bail.


My guess is that he doesn't really know how to be ''happy,'' and needs women to constantly feed his ego. That doesn't really equal happiness. It's hard to break up with someone like this, because you feel you haven't had closure, and here he is going on with his life. You wonder...will it be different with her? But, trust me, it won't. It will play out differently, but he will sadly hurt her, too. It's what those types do. 

Time will heal this, and I'd just try not to know too much more of what he's doing, so you can get past this.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know dear, this is a problem with you, not your BF. 

You know, I get the bad boy thing. I have had several women really love that side of me, which frankly was really stupid of them at the that time of my life. 

I am like a reformed bad boy I guess. But frankly, in my bad old days, I was an A$$hole.

I was never a deadbeat bum like your ex, but I was not really a good guy a lot of the time. 

Conversely, one of my exs came by to talk to me today, and she told me that when she was with me she was scared because she did not know how to love me, or accept love from me. She came by to let me know that her X before me is in jail for beating her up when she let him see his kid. 

Her problem is that she really does not love herself, and she does not know how to take the good me, and let me love her the way that she deserved to be loved. I had to breakup with her because it was not working. But I loved her. 

What I am saying is, maybe you should get some counseling and see if you can get past the bad boy thing. 

Or meet a reformed one like me. Or maybe learn how to appreciate your BF. 

This particular ex today, told me how much she loved me and how she messed up by pulling away and making me break up with her. She was crying a lot. And you know, I care for her, but I am past it. 

I have a great new relationship with a GF that loves both sides of me...


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Louise McCann said:


> I have been MIA from this site trying to focus on my own happiness. I thought I found it in many ways, I have been working hard being back in university, in between the uni work I devote most of my time to my now one year old daughter. I have also recently entered a new relationship with a great man. He is everything my STBX was not and I truly appreciate him even though I may not be as head over heels as I was with STBX, this could be attributed by maturity or perhaps I am not as invested as I think I am...
> 
> STBX is still a deadbeat, still hasn't seen my daughter since he up-ed and left when she was 3 weeks' old. He has emailed me a few times with a sob story of his life and promising to pay child support and always vanishing without a trace, this has been a repeated pattern in his behaviour.
> 
> ...


I didn't read your other thread so I don't know exactly how bad your ex is, but at least he understands what breaking up w/ someone means, and here you should really learn from him. Worrying about whether your ex has someone is like worrying if your teeth will be in good shape after you're dead. It just doesn't matter. 

Your ex also seems to understand that the worth of your current SO is what the two of you mean to each other, and the status of your ex is no part of it. 

I think you owe it to your current SO to either forget about your ex or tell him he's just a prop in a play where someone else got the leading part.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Personally, I think it's a mistake to be dating when your divorce is not even final yet. What is the hurry? Finalize the divorce and spend some time just being you for a while before bringing someone else in. 

You see now how confused you are and how raw your emotions remain. You need time to heal and become strong. Otherwise you will likely just repeat old patterns.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> Personally, I think it's a mistake to be dating when your divorce is not even final yet. What is the hurry? Finalize the divorce and spend some time just being you for a while before bringing someone else in.
> 
> You see now how confused you are and how raw your emotions remain. You need time to heal and become strong. Otherwise you will likely just repeat old patterns.


I agree. You haven't resolved your pain from your marriage and you are taking it into a new relationship.

Lock down your Facebook so that only those who are friends can even see you on Facebook and no one can search you out. They should not have access to your photos. You should not be looking to see what they are doing. The only thing you should do regarding your ex is to take him to court for child support and get it deducted directly from his bank accounts. 

It doesn't matter what your ex is doing, but you do need to work through your pain and move forward. You obviously haven't done that yet.

There are reasons why women look for the bad boy type, but what they are looking for in those qualities is an illusion. You won't get your needs met there.

Wanting your boyfriend to abuse you verbally and physically is a problem and you should seek immediately help for that from a professional therapist who is familiar with the issues you have expressed here.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> Personally, I think it's a mistake to be dating when your divorce is not even final yet.


I think that varies a lot from situation to situation. In some cases it is just putting on paper what everyone figured out a long time ago.


> What is the hurry? Finalize the divorce and spend some time just being you for a while before bringing someone else in.
> 
> You see now how confused you are and how raw your emotions remain. You need time to heal and become strong. Otherwise you will likely just repeat old patterns.


This may well be true, and the time cure is worth a try. Some people really see relationships as some sort of ridiculous contest, and time won't cure that.


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