# How can you love someone and cheat on them?



## Audio21 (Aug 31, 2011)

How do the two even make sense? 
I posted here yesterday about what my husband has done. Him and my now ex-best friend kissed one another, both seperately said the same thing in terms of how far it went, it was "just a kiss."

3 years ago he kissed a woman who he met while working away in Europe. He came back and told me straightaway because he couldn't deal with the guilt. I made him take 3 polygraph tests to prove that it was just a kiss as I wasn't able to question the other woman and he passed every single one with flying colors. He watched me go to the brink of death after what he did 3 years ago, promised to never ever hurt me or our child again and saw first hand the damage he did to me and our relationship. Then he does this. 

He's now so remorseful and distressed and keeps answering all of my questions even though some of them are the same over and over again. He's willing to do whatever it takes to gain my trust back and doesn't want us to split or to see me so distraught. 

He keeps on telling me that he loves me, how can he if he was able to kiss another woman? He did it once and it damn near destroyed me so he knew what it would feel like if he did it again and no worse this time with my best friend. 
He keeps saying he's so sorry and he'll get help to work out why if he has everything he needs at home (that's what he says) he made the mistake of being tempted by a kiss, again. Is it odd that I can't understand why he would put our entire life on the line, mine, his, our 4 year olds and the second one I'm now carrying "just" for a kiss? I could understand if he'd fallen for someone or had full on sex with her but a kiss? So much risk for a kiss? 

I need help understanding how to help him. One minute I feel his pain and the next I want him to stop breathing and just drop dead right there. Every time he tells me he loves me I feel anger because if he loved me he'd never have hurt me a second time. I've cried and cried into my pillow. He's tried to hold me and sometimes even cried with me but how can I believe that he didn't mean it to happen or that he won't do it again?

We have everything on paper, a beautiful home, a loving family, amazing friends and neighbours. He gets told all the time how lucky he is to be married to me and I get told the same about him. We genuinely were happy, that much I know but then why did he do what he did? 

I have never ever looked elsewhere, emotionally or physically. I have loved and cherished him, thrilled and excited him, adored and carried him through some of the tougest times in his life and I have to admit he's done the same for me. 

I'm sorry for rambling and am probably not making much sense. It may well be me or even the pregnancy hormones that are making it all seem even more confusing than what it is. 

Thank you for reading.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Tough question and it deserves an answer.
You didn't say how long you have been married, but I can assume it has been over three years.
I can tell you what went on in my head and tell you my wife's experience and maybe you can draw some conclusions in your own situation.
W and I have been married for 29 years, together for 30.
At some point, our relationship grew stale. We loved each other very much, but there was no spark, no passion, no WOW factor anymore. We both got complacent in our marriage.
About 5 years ago, I suspected that W was seeing someone. I called her out on it and she convinced me that there was nothing going on. I believed her and for a few months, we were passionate again, then back to boring married couple. We have a beautiful home, nice cars, I make a very good living, we want for nothing materially.
About 3 years ago, one of her friends was going through marital problems and she spent a lot of time with us to escape her bad home life. We both enjoyed her company and loved her son.
Now, I was in my mid 40's, getting grey where I wasn't going bald, a little more belly, a little less confidence, and in a "ho-hum" marriage. The OW began the whole thing by telling me how handsome I was, how lucky W was to have a good man who had a good job, etc, etc.
It felt so good to have a younger(5 years younger than me), beautiful woman tell me this. I began to fall for her. I had a skip in my step, I felt good about the way I looked and I felt younger. Of course, we had an affair. After about a month, I couldn't take the guilt and told W everything.
She had an affair the years before and had another once she discovered OW and me. She caught us and didn't say anything.
Her reasons? The OM made her feel sexy, made her feel pretty, made he feel desired as a woman.
We both got what we were so desperately needing from others instead of each other.

We reconciled completely and the OM and OW are entirely out of our lives.
Now, we work at keeping that desire, the skipping heartbeat when we see each other. We date, send each other sexy emails, cards and text messages. I bring her flowers for no reason. She gets me a new part for my car. She buys lingerie and models it for me right before we go out so that I am crazy with lust until I get her home. I kiss her so passionately that she gets dizzy before we get out of the car to go in a restaurant.
W and I went to counseling to help us figure out what was wrong. we both learned a lot and now I have my girlfriend back. She is the love of my life and I vowed never to take this wonderful life for granted again.

So all I can say is look at your lives together. Is the passion there? Do you look at him and feel the same rush that you did when you were dating or first married?
If not, there may be your answer. I am not blaming you, I am just saying that the problem lies in your marriage, however, he was the one to go outside looking for comfort instead of fixing what he has at home.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Audio, when you get that answer let all us BS know, we're all struggling to understand it. But it may help to know that my wife insists in had almost nothing to do with me, it was all her need for attention and ego-stroking above and beyond what I could provide...and when I state my belief that she had her A simply because she didn't love me enough NOT to do it, we get to stalemate because she does not agree and will not make that statement.

As to him doing it a 2nd time, knowing what happened the first time... well, imho there's a bigger issue there that never got addressed the first time. An MC and IC for him maybe can get to it and help address it.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I hear you completely. My H had an EA with someone he was working with. She made a pass at him, and I know physically there was nothing more to it as she confirmed it. 

He didn't realize what he was getting into, he was terrible with boundaries and found it exciting, even though in his head he never wanted it to go further. Dicing with danger if you like. I have asked him (and myself) over and over how he could do what he did and risk our marriage, our family, for an extended flirtation when he admits he is completely happy with me and it was never about me. He says he was stupid, it was about him feeding his ego, and I *think* once he realized how close he came to losing me and our children, it clicked with him that he'd been a fool and it *wasn't* harmless at all.

I must admit OP that your story is what worries me about my situation. I have said that I would hate to forgive and move on only to have it happen again in a few years' time. I have been very clear about insisting on MC, which has helped enormously. I was particularly insistent that we examine the reasons WHY he did it. Have you discussed the "why"? What does he say, is he able to look inside himself and be honest about how it came about? What does he say about his boundaries?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Audio, when you get that answer let all us BS know, we're all struggling to understand it. But it may help to know that my wife insists in had almost nothing to do with me, it was all her need for attention and ego-stroking above and beyond what I could provide...and when I state my belief that she had her A simply because she didn't love me enough NOT to do it, we get to stalemate because she does not agree and will not make that statement.
> 
> As to him doing it a 2nd time, knowing what happened the first time... well, imho there's a bigger issue there that never got addressed the first time. An MC and IC for him maybe can get to it and help address it.


2x, I have read your reasoning about your W having her A because she didn't love you enough NOT to do it. It is something I have tossed about from time to time. I see both sides. I have said to my H it is harder in a way when you know that your H/W was unfaithful NOT because of you or anything you were or weren't doing, but because of them. When they say it was them, it makes it harder in a way because you are not presented with an obvious something to make better iyswim. A huge chunk of it has to come from them. And it is *very* hard to understand why, if you are the amazing partner they say you are, that they went elsewhere. The only way I make sense of it is that I can just about believe my H did and does love me as much as ever, but that what he did was to do with him and *not* with me. His issues to deal with iyswim.

Sorry OP, don't know if that helps any.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

DanF said:


> Tough question and it deserves an answer.
> You didn't say how long you have been married, but I can assume it has been over three years.
> I can tell you what went on in my head and tell you my wife's experience and maybe you can draw some conclusions in your own situation.
> W and I have been married for 29 years, together for 30.
> ...


Wow. The more I open my eyes, the more I find people in very similar situations. Short of me having an affair, our relationships/lives are spot on. I truly want to get to the point where we are capable of rekindling the flame that has been out for years, yet something we chose to ignore instead of addressing. And my wife's inhibitions are weaker than mine, hence why she went through with the affairs.

But I tell you, even to the part where your WW gets you a car part, ha, I have an older ///M3 and my lady also surprises me with gifts for the car.

Thank you for giving me hope - there is certainly a shortage of that right about now.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

People confuse desire and love all the time.

It is not a sign of marital love to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

RWB said:


> While active in her affairs, she has admitted in MC that she did not feel any love me. I was nothing more than a cover story to enable her secret life and desires.


I'm kind of accepting that anyone in the heat of an affair, and certainly while having sex with someone other than their spouse, is not thinking "man I really love my significant other".

Part of the (my?) healing process is accepting that some aspects of these messes will never make logical sense. I'm an analyst by day, so naturally I want to analyze the hell out of my wife's affairs and nail down the whats, whys, and hows. 

But with help from others on here, I'm realizing that you will never be able to reconcile if you need every 'i' dotted and 't' crossed. Remember not to confuse lust with love. My wife is an attention wh0re as well, and unfortunately she wasn't going to stop until I gained the strength to blow her out of the water and expose her to our families.

She got the memo, however, at this point.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Audio21,

As the old saying goes "full me once shame on you, full me twice shame on me."


How can someone love someone and cheat on them? yes, but they just love themselves a whole lot more.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As the wayward I'll say everyone's pretty much spot on so far. I never stopped loving my wife through my EA. Affairs are totally and perfectly selfish. I'm sure there are lots of affairs and marriages where love for the loyal spouse is not there, but in many I think that love remains, it just gets put in a box and temporarily put in a closet so to speak - compartmentalized. 

I can totally understand how that answer is very hard to understand for the BS, but I think it is mostly correct none the less.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> 2x, I have read your reasoning about your W having her A because she didn't love you enough NOT to do it. It is something I have tossed about from time to time. I see both sides. I have said to my H it is harder in a way when you know that your H/W was unfaithful NOT because of you or anything you were or weren't doing, but because of them. When they say it was them, it makes it harder in a way because you are not presented with an obvious something to make better iyswim. A huge chunk of it has to come from them. And it is *very* hard to understand why, if you are the amazing partner they say you are, that they went elsewhere. The only way I make sense of it is that I can just about believe my H did and does love me as much as ever, but that what he did was to do with him and *not* with me. His issues to deal with iyswim.
> 
> Sorry OP, don't know if that helps any.


I hear you, and agree I have come to learn/believe it is (mostly) about them, not about us and our failing them... but then I death spiral into how to entrust this person ever again if the issue is "within them"... it comes down to believing them, again... Ugh.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

RWB said:


> LoveStruckOut,
> 
> 2 years out from D-Day. Even after 2 years of MC, my wife's 6+ years of serial PAs still does not make logical sense to me. She admitted in MC that while she functioned on the outside, on the inside she was going crazy with guilt, shame, and the lies.
> 
> The only thing that makes any sense... Crazy people will rationalize crazy behavior to allow themselves to continue acting crazy.


Despite the fact my wife had sex with her 2nd boyfriend in the house I own (me being #1) after I proposed to her and she said yes [7 years ago]. . then had and EA with a loser [4 years ago], then had an EA/PA with another loser [for a year ending May 2011 when I nuked it], I am in the fool me once period.

Why do you ask? Well, I was a doormat up until now. Not sure why it took this much to awake the lion in me, but he is finally roaring. So this is technically the 1st time I'm giving her the exposure she has needed all along. 

Like you and I (and others), my wife is definitely sick in the head to be able to keep it all together. What makes matters worse is that she put this $hit in my face, by having the guys to our place in BBQs (I suppose the keep your friends close and enemies closer concept). When she responds "that's what an affair is", I now say back, um actually I don't think everyone has the pleasure of offering a beer to the guy their wife is sleeping with honey. 

Only now does she realize how insane she spun this ridiculous, double life, web of lies. 

But again, this is the first time we are truly facing the horrid music, so I'm willing to give it an honest chance. It's a mess though.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

isn't that the million dollar question....I have no answer. "I love you but I am going to go out of my way to purposefully and intentionally hurt you. I'm going to lie and scheme and go behind your back, but hey, I'm only doing it because I love you!"....makes no sense.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

RWB said:


> LoveStruckOut,
> 
> 2 years out from D-Day. Even after 2 years of MC, my wife's 6+ years of serial PAs still does not make logical sense to me. She admitted in MC that while she functioned on the outside, on the inside she was going crazy with guilt, shame, and the lies.
> 
> The only thing that makes any sense... *Crazy people will rationalize crazy behavior to allow themselves to continue acting crazy.*


 That is SO my ex husband right there!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't know. Why do mothers beat their kids? Why do dads drink and wale on everyone? Why does 'I Do' mean 'except with you, cupcake'. Why are people corrupt and rotten to the core? Why does the man or woman you love literally have no redeeming moral value at all? Why do people suck?

Dunno, I guess that's what people ARE; deeply deeply horrid and flawed. I'm not so sure I'd WANT to married to an angel though. Their cold divine sardonic condescension would be unsurvivable.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

RWB said:


> LoveStruckOut,
> 
> 2 years out from D-Day. Even after 2 years of MC, my wife's 6+ years of serial PAs still does not make logical sense to me. She admitted in MC that while she functioned on the outside, on the inside she was going crazy with guilt, shame, and the lies.
> 
> The only thing that makes any sense... Crazy people will rationalize crazy behavior to allow themselves to continue acting crazy.


They say they are racked with guilt but never show it! Crazy and selfish!


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## cowgirl70 (Aug 10, 2011)

This Question has hAunted me every day for the Past 9 months. And the answer I got was it wasn't me but my H and was like a thrill of not getting caught. Well, he did. But it has everything to Do with me. I would never intentionally hurt someone the way I was. Hope someday I will get this answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

if she/he loves their spouse they will not cheat. only their mouth mention the love but the action does not show that they do love their spouse.

we do not need words but we need action.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think it's 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."



Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Audio21,
> 
> As the old saying goes "full me once shame on you, full me twice shame on me."
> 
> ...


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

michzz said:


> I think it's
> 
> Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."


Did I just get a grammar lesson?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> "*full* me once shame on you, *full* me twice shame on me."





michzz said:


> *Fool* me once, shame on you. *Fool* me twice, shame on me."


Took me a minute to see it, but I never was good at grammer


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Took me a minute to see it, but I never was good at grammer


Laugh! I'm a goober.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Did I just get a grammar lesson?


Pretty much. But your intentions were good. No slap with the ruler.


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