# Can you guys help a girl out?



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I would like to ask for a little guidance here. I find myself in a situation far outside my knowledge, and want to handle it well, without hurt feelings. 

I am 45, and dating a man who is 31. He is low-drive (I am not), but we have been managing thus far. We talked about it a couple of times, and he basically told me that he gets in his own head, and just loses focus. 

This weekend, we were looking forward to spending a nice chunk of time together, and I may have had some expectations in mind that led to some disappointment. We talked this morning, and I asked him if there was anything else he could tell me about his "situation" that would help me to understand. He said no and that he thinks I have been amazing. He also apologized, which made me feel bad.  I explained that I don't want him to be sorry - but I do want us to be able to talk about it and figure out how we can make it work better.

I'm pretty sure he has low T, after doing a little research. He's very tall and very thin, and has some anxiety and ADHD-type behaviors. Kind of a perfect storm, as far as what I have read. At 31, he says that he has NEVER had a higher drive. I think he needs to go get tested, but the problem is that I know he can't afford to financially. 

So, in the meantime, I told him that while I want to be supportive and understanding, we need to figure out a balance that will also fill what I need. 

Any input you guys can offer me? I'd appreciate the insight.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

How often do you have sex?




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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Juice said:


> How often do you have sex?


Over the past four months, I would say we have had intercourse maybe 6-8 times. It doesn't last long, and I know he hasn't finished. 

But I also know that he is attracted to me. I can sort of tell that.


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## Celtic (Apr 7, 2017)

Maybe a silly question here but does he have much experience sexually? Could this be contributing to his situation?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Does he has medical insurance? If so, and as long as he can convince a doctor to order tests due to his "symptoms", I would think his insurance would cover most of the testing. 

That being said, thinking about it from his POV, if he has never had a high drive, this could simply be who he is. Obviously, getting his hormones checked out could help shine some light. 

The problem, the more it gets in his head the harder it is going to be on him. However, I think you need to make it clear that you have needs. If he truly cares for you he will at least attempt to make things work. 

Just keep in mind, this may simply be a situation where you are with someone who is a sexual mismatch. You can't "fix" this (and honestly if he is just lower drive then you there is nothing to fix). Ultimately, it might come down to deciding what is best for yourself.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

So 2x a month and you just started dating. That's not a good sign.

Like Celtic said maybe he's inexperienced and gets nervous. 

Is he on any meds for anxiety or antidepressants? 

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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I don't feel like a lack of experience is an issue. He um... knows what he is doing. I'm also not afraid to say what I need, and he's eager to listen when I do that, so that's a good thing.



EllisRedding said:


> Does he has medical insurance? If so, and as long as he can convince a doctor to order tests due to his "symptoms", I would think his insurance would cover most of the testing.
> 
> That being said, thinking about it from his POV, if he has never had a high drive, this could simply be who he is. Obviously, getting his hormones checked out could help shine some light.
> 
> ...


I don't believe he does have insurance, but I do plan to ask him outright the next time we talk. But I'm pretty sure the answer is no. And I know he is not on meds for anything. 

I know you are right about it getting worse the more he thinks about it, which is what led me to come here. I care about him, and the last thing I want is to make him feel badly. But I was also in a 20 year marriage where I put the needs of others first, and have vowed to have open and honest communication in my life.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How many nights together have you spent where there were conditions for intimacy, and how many have you actually been intimate?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but I'd end the relationship with him. The thing is you are both new in the relationship so this will be the most excitable and turned on he gets, and if it isn't working now then it's probably not going to work. If it was really bothering him he should have taken the initiative to go to the doctor and get checked out or go to a sex therapist. Not all relationships work, and it's doubtful this one will.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TooNice said:


> I would like to ask for a little guidance here. I find myself in a situation far outside my knowledge, and want to handle it well, without hurt feelings.
> 
> I am 45, and dating a man who is 31. He is low-drive (I am not), but we have been managing thus far. We talked about it a couple of times, and he basically told me that he gets in his own head, and just loses focus.
> 
> ...


Going to be honest. If you are just dating an this is already a problem it's probably going to be an ongoing problem with your relationship for it's duration and likely to get worse. It's not like he is bored. You sure you want to commit to that?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*Female poking her head in the Men's Clubhouse*

First things first: 1) Does he recognize that this is an issue of incompatibility for the two of you? 2) Is he actually interested in seeing if something can be done to resolve this incompatibility?

If he refuses to acknowledge it as a problem, and/or he's not interested in pursuing a solution, then you're SOL and you can part ways, or you can resign yourself to infrequent sex for as long as you are with him.

To be frank, you guys are still in the early stages... at this point in time, even people who are LD are getting it on a LOT. Only 6-8 times in 4 months? I find that quite distressing.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TooNice said:


> I don't believe he does have insurance, but I do plan to ask him outright the next time we talk. But I'm pretty sure the answer is no. I know you are right about it getting worse the more he thinks about it, which is what led me to come here. That's the last thing I want, but I also want to feel close to this man I care about.


Have you been dating for about 4 months or so? You mentioned that you only had sex maybe 6-8 times in 4 months. If this is the start of the relationship I would view this as a red flag since you guys should want to be all over each other. 

However, you mentioned he doesn't last long and doesn't finish. Sounds like at a minimum he is suffering from ED in some form, and that could very well cause him to lose interest in sex. Have you looked into Cialis, Viagra, or other?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> To be frank, you guys are still in the early stages... at this point in time, even people who are LD are getting it on a LOT. Only 6-8 times in 4 months? I find that quite distressing.


Yeah, FIP. Me, too. But he's so great. He's kind and treats me so well. He tells me I'm beautiful and I believe him. He's smart and funny and makes me laugh, and we can kiss for hours, and it's amazing. 

This weekend was a big flag for me, though. There should have been sex all weekend long. I will feel horrible if this ends our relationship, but I will make sure we talked it through and explored options before I go there.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TooNice said:


> Yeah, FIP. Me, too. But he's so great. He's kind and treats me so well. He tells me I'm beautiful and I believe him. He's smart and funny and makes me laugh, and we can kiss for hours, and it's amazing.
> 
> This weekend was a big flag for me, though. There should have been sex all weekend long. I will feel horrible if this ends our relationship, but I will make sure we talked it through and explored options before I go there.


All that other stuff is great, but it's not going to make up for the lack of physical intimacy than an HD person needs for their relationship to thrive.

You can find someone who does all that stuff, and who is also HD. You didn't claw your way out of a crappy marriage to trap yourself in yet another unfulfilling relationship.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> All that other stuff is great, but it's not going to make up for the lack of physical intimacy than an HD person needs for their relationship to thrive.
> 
> You can find someone who does all that stuff, and who is also HD. You didn't claw your way out of a crappy marriage to trap yourself in yet another unfulfilling relationship.


It just sucks. After dating so many jerks who ONLY want sex, I meet someone who fulfills all of the other things I was looking for. But I'm in my 40's, in great shape, and feel good about myself, and I have to recognize that I deserve to have the physical connection, too. 

I'll feel like such a jerk if this ends things for us, though. :frown2:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TooNice said:


> It just sucks. After dating so many jerks who ONLY want sex, I meet someone who fulfills all of the other things I was looking for. But I'm in my 40's, in great shape, and feel good about myself, and I have to recognize that I deserve to have the physical connection, too.
> 
> I'll feel like such a jerk if this ends things for us, though. :frown2:


Don't feel like a jerk if this ends things for you guys. If this ends it, it means that you and he weren't a good fit. You have needs. You can't deny yourself meeting your needs out of guilt.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

TooNice said:


> This weekend was a big flag for me, though. There should have been sex all weekend long. I will feel horrible if this ends our relationship, but I will make sure we talked it through and explored options before I go there.


Don't feel horrible and don't settle for mediocrity. If you want a great relationship then walk away from the ones that aren't great. All the time you spend with him is time you are taking away from looking for that one great guy that will be the right match for you. If I was in your shoes I would have already told him that it doesn't look like the relationship is meeting my needs and I'd leave before you got more emotionally invested in him and him in you. It's actually the nicest thing to do. He's not a fixer, IMHO.

As an aside, your age difference would make this relationship less likely to work in the long term anyway.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Does not make you a jerk. Compatibility is really big. 





TooNice said:


> It just sucks. After dating so many jerks who ONLY want sex, I meet someone who fulfills all of the other things I was looking for. But I'm in my 40's, in great shape, and feel good about myself, and I have to recognize that I deserve to have the physical connection, too.
> 
> I'll feel like such a jerk if this ends things for us, though. :frown2:


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> How many nights together have you spent where there were conditions for intimacy, and how many have you actually been intimate?


We have spent at least twice as many nights together-probably more. I live alone, and we are usually at my place, so conditions are open pretty much all the time.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Look you're in the beginning stages of a relationship. And just like other posters have mentioned this is the very beginning of the relationship and sex should be abundant. where you can't get enough of each other and can't wait to see one another. You are obviously not happy with the amount sex only happening 6 to 7 times in four months. Also that is completely understandable. This isn't working you require more sex than that. So this is the beginning of the relationship and only having sex seven times you're well aware that it won't get better it will only get worse. This is where you need to be responsible and talk to him and think about moving on... don't play head games with yourself thinking that you can change him or it magically will get better...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I appreciate the feedback, everyone. I know the age difference is big by itself, but we really are good together, aside from this. I need to own up to the fact that we need to talk about this with a little more brutal honesty and see what happens. And to be prepared for whatever that ends up to be. 

He has not opened up much to me about past relationships, and I have not pressed him on that. I think it's time for me to start asking some questions, and to find out what he's willing to do. The lack of healthcare is going to be a huge barrier, though. I know he cares a good deal for me, and if money wasn't an issue, he'd have handled that already. 

I just want to handle in a way we can both say we tried.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

TooNice said:


> I appreciate the feedback, everyone. I know the age difference is big by itself, but we really are good together, aside from this. I need to own up to the fact that we need to talk about this with a little more brutal honesty and see what happens. And to be prepared for whatever that ends up to be.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Glad you're seeing the healthcare as a red flag. You should. 


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@TooNice I'm really glad that you're willing to be honest with him. TBH I think most people would end things before they would have the courage to talk honestly and openly about your sexual needs not being met.

If you can really break it down for him and be honest that this is a deal breaker he may try to get help. Most prefer to avoid uncomfortable problems for as long as they can. If you make it clear that he can't ignore this (and keep you) he may change.

If not you can move on knowing you did everything you could. If he does change, stick with your needs and see if he backslides when he believes you are ok once agajn


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is not being a jerk to end a relationship when you are incompatible - in fact you are saving BOTH of you from the misery of a long term sexually mismatched relationship. That can be pure misery for both, but the longer it lasts, the more difficult it is for either to leave. 

30 years of experience says that you should not get into a long term relationship with a big sexual mismatch. Neither of you is wrong but you may just not be compatible. 


That said, its worth being sure. I couldn't quite tell how much of his problem was lack of interest and how much was ED. ED may not be related t a lack of interest in sex. When he has ED is he willing to spend time giving you oral or pleasing you in other ways? 




TooNice said:


> It just sucks. After dating so many jerks who ONLY want sex, I meet someone who fulfills all of the other things I was looking for. But I'm in my 40's, in great shape, and feel good about myself, and I have to recognize that I deserve to have the physical connection, too.
> 
> I'll feel like such a jerk if this ends things for us, though. :frown2:


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

uhtred said:


> It is not being a jerk to end a relationship when you are incompatible - in fact you are saving BOTH of you from the misery of a long term sexually mismatched relationship. That can be pure misery for both, but the longer it lasts, the more difficult it is for either to leave.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Guys his age should still be wanting to hit it. If it's medical and he doesn't have insurance to pay for tests/treatments...I worry that she may get trapped into helping pay for that. Plus...she says HE says (lol) that he's always been this way. 

ETA: I think the oral is mostly mouth to mouth. At least that's how I read it. 


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Just don't want to see OP back on here on down the road looking for advice on how to get out of a sexless marriage (


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TooNice said:


> Yeah, FIP. Me, too. But he's so great. He's kind and treats me so well. He tells me I'm beautiful and I believe him. He's smart and funny and makes me laugh, and we can kiss for hours, and it's amazing.
> 
> This weekend was a big flag for me, though. There should have been sex all weekend long. I will feel horrible if this ends our relationship, but I will make sure we talked it through and explored options before I go there.


Required standard how is his porn usage question. Does he use it a lot?

Some people just like porn better then sex. It requires less effort and is totally selfish.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I hadn't touched on this yet, but yes - there is oral. For both of us. He usually stops me at some point - I think when he feels he is losing "interest". He is very attentive to taking care of me, though. I really think it is a combination of mental and physical factors leading to ED much more than a lack of interest. He is very physical with me all of the time - touching me, arms around me, kissing me. 

No worries about me taking care of this for him financially. I assure you that I am a smart girl and that would never happen. My finances are mine. He works, but there is an imbalance in our incomes, which am fine with. He offers to pay sometimes, but we usually split our checks, and sometimes I treat. It's fine and not an issue for us, but I am not getting financially involved with anyone at this point in my life. If he wants to fix this, he needs to figure it out. If not for me, then for the next girl. 

I think what I need to do is bring it up again, and maybe start by asking about his prior relationships and whether this was a factor. If it wasn't, why? Was he with LD women? If it was, how has it been handled before? What, if anything, has he tried to do? Has he looked into options for healthcare?

I need to start there and let him know that I will continue to be patient, and I don't want him to feel pressured, but that this is a concern for me. I care about this guy a great deal, but FIP and the rest of you are right, I can't dive from one relationship with unmet needs into another. That's not my takeaway from my failed marriage.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Required standard how is his porn usage question. Does he use it a lot?
> 
> Some people just like porn better then sex. It requires less effort and is totally selfish.


I don't know for sure, but I would be very very surprised. It doesn't fit for what I know of his value system.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TooNice said:


> I don't know for sure, but I would be very very surprised. It doesn't fit for what I know of his value system.


Is he religious?

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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Is he religious?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


No, not at all. I could be way off base, I just feel like watching porn would go against his personal values. He barely wanted to make out in my friend's house when we were house-sitting for them - lol! (And that had nothing to do with ED or low drive... it just felt weird for him.)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TooNice said:


> No, not at all. I could be way off base, I just feel like watching porn would go against his personal values. He barely wanted to make out in my friend's house when we were house-sitting for them - lol! (And that had nothing to do with ED or low drive... it just felt weird for him.)


It sounds like he has some hang-ups about sex in general. I thought maybe pre-marital sex, specifically, but if he's not religious, then maybe not pre-marital specifically.

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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@TooNice, 

You mentioned three things that kind of caught my attention:



> he basically told me that he gets in his own head, and just loses focus.





> It doesn't last long, and I know he hasn't finished.





> He usually stops me at some point - I think when he feels he is losing "interest".


I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but this sounds like maybe delayed ejaculation. It's essentially when a guy could go for hours and hours PIV and not orgasm, but it can roll over and finish himself off. So physically he is able to orgasm, but somehow with PIV it's delayed. 

Then I remembered you said he was the tall, thin, anxiety ADHD type guy and one of the main causes of delayed ejaculation is medications--especially medications for anxiety. Now even if he is not prescribed anything (due to the whole lack of insurance sitch), if he is taking herbs or smoking herb or tinctures, that could be contributing to the delay. Likewise, just having the mental health issue of anxiety often contributes--even without meds--because think about it: when your anxious or depressed doing things like getting out of bed are like climbing a mountain! How could you possibly "get into it" enough to get off right? 

If you suspect he is not alcoholic, not whacking it off 50 times a day, and not a porn addict--you may want to focus on any medications and see if there are sexual side effect. Look it up online yourself! And if he's not taking medications, consider any herbs or natural products too, because they can have side effects too! Finally, look at the possibility of mental health issues. 

Overall, he sounds like a great guy but at 45 and 31 you two should be going at it like bunnies because you're both at your sexual peak.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh oh double post! 

Here's a "going at it like bunnies" image to make up for it:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Affaircare In my experience, smoking weed makes guys MORE horny, not less so. Though I suppose it can affect everyone differently.

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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> @Affaircare In my experience, smoking weed makes guys MORE horny, not less so. Though I suppose it can affect everyone differently.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk




Yes that and another thing. Maybe he feels she's to hot/experienced for him and he's feeling inadequate? I dunno kids. This one has me going "whaaa?"

Almost sounds like he's freaking himself out. I would go emotional hang up on his end. At least so far...

I'm feeling like a detective. hehe


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

And some weed with some people can make you feel paranoid. Like those dreams you have when you're naked. lol 


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

LD with stage fright. That's my final ansa' 


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Colonel Mustard in the library with a wrench!

Oh wait--wrong thread. 






Nevermind!


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> Colonel Mustard in the library with a wrench!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Bwaahaaa. That's silly. You know it's Always Ms. Scarlet. Hahaaa


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TooNice said:


> We have spent at least twice as many nights together-probably more. I live alone, and we are usually at my place, so conditions are open pretty much all the time.


This isn't good.

I would think it would be once to twice every time there was an opportunity.

Refresh my memory, but isn't there some talk about him wanting children of his own as well?

I think you know where this is going.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I only read the first page of this thread but I get the gist of it. Sounds to me like he has low T for sure and needs to get checked. Here's the thing, if you've always been low T for your entire adult life, how would you know? I mean, he probably doesn't know what a proper sex drive is supposed to feel like. He has no frame of reference. I can tell you that when I was 31, I would have had sex nightly with a new girlfriend and I'm sure most guys on here would feel and do similarly. He just doesn't know that's how he's supposed to feel or that his drive, when normal, should be that way.

I'd wager that he's floating around in the 200 or 300 with his T levels and they should be in the 800s or so at his age.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

TooNice said:


> I appreciate the feedback, everyone. I know the age difference is big by itself, but we really are good together, aside from this. I need to own up to the fact that we need to talk about this with a little more brutal honesty and see what happens. And to be prepared for whatever that ends up to be.
> 
> He has not opened up much to me about past relationships, and I have not pressed him on that. I think it's time for me to start asking some questions, and to find out what he's willing to do. The lack of healthcare is going to be a huge barrier, though. I know he cares a good deal for me, and if money wasn't an issue, he'd have handled that already.
> 
> I just want to handle in a way we can both say we tried.


The age difference is not your problem. His sex drive is. If you were 45 and partner was 55 this scene would be more likely. A 31 year old should be chasing you around the house every waking hour. It's obvious you are not going to be a happy camper long term. I'd ask about meds or for sure getting tested for the low T. Something ain't right.

Hope you work it out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> @TooNice,
> 
> You mentioned three things that kind of caught my attention:
> 
> ...


I hear this also can happen from porn use, the body gets used to the hand.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

From what I've read being addicted to pornography makes guys less interested in partner sex, makes them loose focus when having sex with a partner.

Just sounds highly probable to me.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

You can order hormone tests a la carte from places like discountedlabs. T Replacement forum on T-Nation has excellent collected wisdom on what to check and optimal target ranges. If warranted, T self-injections and auxiliary meds are cheap. 

Not advocating playing your own doc, or buying grey-market "bodybuilding" drugs, but TRT can be done on a budget without insurance, and it should be straightforward to DIY the determination of whether it's worth looking into in the first place (as in, total T ~300).


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Ok, so update...

We were out for a quick drink tonight, and he leaned over and dropped the "L" word on me. He knows I am not going to reciprocate, since we had a conversation once about love and what it means. While I am pretty stable post-D, my sense of "love" is pretty skewed, and I know it's a word I won't use easily. He was quick to say that he needed no response, but he needed me to know how he is feeling. Fair. 

In the car, he asked me how freaked out I was by that, and it sparked a lengthy conversation. I am not freaked out that he said it. As long as he respects where I am for now. And honestly, this other stuff is part of what is holding me back, and I know that. He brought up the fact that we sort of agreed that we would take things slow and light hearted and simply enjoy being together. I want to move away in a few years, and he has no intention of leaving this area. So we know that's out there. But we like each other enough that we wanted to keep spending time together, anyway. Dating sucks. We both met people that we hold in high esteem as humans. We both consider that a win, even if temporary. 

So... I used the open window to bring up this morning's conversation, mentioning that it is another issue on the table. I asked him if he had ever been tested for his testosterone or talked to a doctor about his drive. He's mentioned it in therapy, and was told that it was probably related to the stress in his life at the time - but that was it. He's never spoken to a medical doctor about it, and looked truly surprised when I started talking abut low T and especially about some of his physical characteristics. (And I had to ask him if it freaked him out that I had been looking into it!) I don't think he realized there could be a physical component. I suspect he will be doing some Google searches tonight, himself. 

We left it that we still don't know what things look like down the road. This sex thing could be a real issue, but I assured him that I want us to try to figure it out together. I am not going to walk away without trying. I did make it clear that this is important to me, however. 

So... we will see what happens next, but I am glad we talked. It was a lot of ground covered in one night. And maybe we're crazy to even be trying when we know there may be an "expiration date", as he put it. I know that may sound like a bad idea to some, but as bad as dating is, it seemed worth a shot. And still does, if we can work through this.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TooNice said:


> We left it that we still don't know what things look like down the road. This sex thing could be a real issue, but I assured him that I want us to try to figure it out together. I am not going to walk away without trying. I did make it clear that this is important to me, however.
> 
> So... we will see what happens next, but I am glad we talked. It was a lot of ground covered in one night. And maybe we're crazy to even be trying when we know there may be an "expiration date", as he put it. I know that may sound like a bad idea to some, but as bad as dating is, it seemed worth a shot. And still does, if we can work through this.


I commend you for willing to be patient, willing to try and make things work. However, and maybe just me, it appears to be too much work at the start of the relationship. IDK, needing someone to change so early in a relationship just seems like a losing situation.

Separately, you made the below comment about his possible porn use. I would not correlate him watching porn with not wanting to make out at your friend's house or his personal "values". If he is watching porn (not saying he is, many people are way too quick to blame IMO), being able to watch in privacy and on his own terms could be appealing to him



> No, not at all. I could be way off base, I just feel like watching porn would go against his personal values. He barely wanted to make out in my friend's house when we were house-sitting for them - lol! (And that had nothing to do with ED or low drive... it just felt weird for him.)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TooNice said:


> I hadn't touched on this yet, but yes - there is oral. For both of us. *He usually stops me at some point - I think when he feels he is losing "interest".* He is very attentive to taking care of me, though. I really think it is a combination of mental and physical factors leading to ED much more than a lack of interest. He is very physical with me all of the time - touching me, arms around me, kissing me.


The bolded is another red flag. You feel he loses "interest" when giving you oral. Honestly, it just sounds like he isn't really into sex. If he has PE/DE issues, but really wanted to make sure you are taken care of, he shouldn't be losing interest with oral.

I think you got a dud


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> The bolded is another red flag. You feel he loses "interest" when giving you oral. Honestly, it just sounds like he isn't really into sex. If he has PE/DE issues, but really wanted to make sure you are taken care of, he shouldn't be losing interest with oral.



You misread that one. He is remarkably attentive and patient when taking care of me. He stops *me* when I am returning the favor.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

is he taking SSRI's for depression they can effect your drive big time.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> is he taking SSRI's for depression they can effect your drive big time.


No, he is not on any medications, and he does not do drugs or smoke pot.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TooNice said:


> You misread that one. He is remarkably attentive and patient when taking care of me. He stops *me* when I am returning the favor.


Gotcha, your original post just left it as oral. So, on the occasions you have had sex, how would you say it has been (great, good, serviceable, meh, etc...)?

I honestly don't know your whole story except for the few posts here. From what I have read though I would just find is concerning that after getting out of a crappy marriage you now find yourself in a situation where there are clearly compatibility issues from the start (which I think for most people, whether getting out of a crappy relationship or not, would be a huge issue at the start), especially since you have made it clear that sex is an important component.

You guys have an "expiration date". Seems kind of odd knowing that, he would drop the L word, especially so early on. Just wondering, maybe saying that is meant to hopefully dissuade you from leaving down the road (and maybe any "improvements" he may make are more motivated with keeping you around)?

I honestly would stop saying that you are going to be patient to him. Be blunt, tell him it is a real issue that needs to be sorted out soon or the relationship isn't going to last. If he is serious, he will at least make the effort. The sooner you can determine if things can work the better.

Don't mean to be negative, I just agree with @FeministInPink with the post below. Don't settle for anything less.



> You can find someone who does all that stuff, and who is also HD. You didn't claw your way out of a crappy marriage to trap yourself in yet another unfulfilling relationship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think he is likely normal in desire... ND

I also think he is intimidated by women, in General, especially with respect to their Privates.

And especially in your case. You are an older women, supposedly with much more experience.

He is very insecure in bedroom activities. 

I would move away from this one. 

If you marry, he will be good for your old age, given the age spread. He will be able to look after you. He will have energy for "other" things in a marriage.

But sex in the next 35 years is going to be disappointing. That is a big sacrifice. Think this through.

He may have been self-satisfying himself for a long time. He will need to re-adjust his mind to man and women, not man and hand. He will need to adjust the appropriate body parts.

Just sayin'


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

TooNice said:


> Ok, so update...
> 
> We were out for a quick drink tonight, and he leaned over and dropped the "L" word on me. He knows I am not going to reciprocate, since we had a conversation once about love and what it means. While I am pretty stable post-D, my sense of "love" is pretty skewed, and I know it's a word I won't use easily. He was quick to say that he needed no response, but he needed me to know how he is feeling. Fair.
> 
> ...


Here's the reason you are willing to settle. You think dating sucks and he's acceptable, but that doesn't mean he's a good match for you. He's not making your toes curl, especially early in the relationship, so I can say with 100% confidence that there are far better guys out there for you.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

I don't know if many hospitals have this but our local hospital have a program for people that qualify by income but fairly high income can still get approved for some discount on any services billed through them. Here we have both blood work and urology covered as part of those services. Maybe something like that is available.

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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TooNice said:


> I want to move away in a few years, and he has no intention of leaving this area. So we know that's out there. But we like each other enough that we wanted to keep spending time together, anyway. Dating sucks. We both met people that we hold in high esteem as humans. We both consider that a win, even if temporary.
> .


You want to leave in four years and your boyfriend does not want to move with you. That should be the reason to not get into a serious relationship. You might be able to control your emotions, but he seems to be a bit naive and headed towards a lot of pain when it's time for you to leave. Why are you ignoring this aspect?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TooNice said:


> No, he is not on any medications, and he does not do drugs or *smoke pot.*


Maybe he should give it a try...


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Phil Anders said:


> You can order hormone tests a la carte from places like discountedlabs. T Replacement forum on T-Nation has excellent collected wisdom on what to check and optimal target ranges. If warranted, T self-injections and auxiliary meds are cheap.
> 
> Not advocating playing your own doc, or buying grey-market "bodybuilding" drugs, but TRT can be done on a budget without insurance, and it should be straightforward to DIY the determination of whether it's worth looking into in the first place (as in, total T ~300).


I agree. I have low T. You can go online to discountedlabs and get a testosterone check pretty inexpensively. The odds are this is not low T. The first sign is that he is skinny. Most low T guys are not. Not until they are diagnosed and treated. But, there is no reason to wonder when you can get a cheap blood test. 

I have to wonder what he wants from the relationship. If it isn't sex, what keeps him around? I suspect he is in it for the wrong reasons and maybe just not turned on.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EllisRedding said:


> I commend you for willing to be patient, willing to try and make things work. However, and maybe just me, it appears to be *too much work at the start of the relationship*. IDK, needing someone to change so early in a relationship just seems like a losing situation.


This ^

You have to ask yourself "why?"

You're planning on moving away in a few years, and you know he has no interest in that.

You've discussed the "L" word, and how you feel about it at this point in your life. Yet he still drops it on you.

You've made it clear (I think) that what you want is halfway between casual dating and an actual relationship. You want all the good stuff, without the commitment and the plans for the future.

You describe yourself as HD.

Furthermore, you said that your marriage was about making other people happy, and now you want to focus on yourself.

Yet you're already NOT doing that. You're trying to mould somebody into what makes you happy, and you shouldn't have to be doing that. You shouldn't have to fix anybody in order for you to be happy this early in a relationship.

IMO, you're more afraid of hurting him than you are of anything else at this point. But in order to focus on yourself, as you say you want to, you're going to have to step on some toes occasionally.

And frankly, this seems like an awful lot of effort for a relationship that, as you've more or less said yourself, has a shelf life, and that you're not all that serious about, anyway.

Just go and be happy. If you have to kiss a few frogs along the way, so be it. That's dating. At your age (and I'm close), I realize it can be daunting, and that the clock feels like it's ticking. Like it or not, at our age, a lot of the 'good' ones are taken - but not all of them. Just have some patience, and don't settle for one who's a good guy, but doesn't check one or two of the other important boxes.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This has "no way" written all over it. Too many red flags. You need to let this little boy go and find a man near your own age and EQ.......Stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole........No pun intended........


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Something touched upon in another thread is the possibility that he is just looking for a beard. He might be caring and attentive, and giving and complimentary, but the attraction may just be an act. He might turn out to be a great friend but ultimately a horrible lover.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> You want to leave in four years and your boyfriend does not want to move with you. That should be the reason to not get into a serious relationship. You might be able to control your emotions, but he seems to be a bit naive and headed towards a lot of pain when it's time for you to leave. Why are you ignoring this aspect?


We are not ignoring it. It's been a topic of conversation for some time; much more so since we have started to have stronger feelings for each other. Perhaps it was naive of both of us to think we could just have fun in the moment, but I see lots of advice on this site that encourage people to do exactly that. But trust me, we are not ignoring that piece. 



DallasCowboyFan said:


> I have to wonder what he wants from the relationship. If it isn't sex, what keeps him around? I suspect he is in it for the wrong reasons and maybe just not turned on.


What would those reasons be then? We have great conversations, we make each other laugh, we enjoy being together, we ARE physical, it just doesn't always lead to sex. So many other aspects do feel right.



SunCMars said:


> I think he is likely normal in desire... ND
> 
> I also think he is intimidated by women, in General, especially with respect to their Privates.
> 
> ...


I assure you, he is not intimidated or insecure. Which is why I am working so hard to try to understand him better. 


Things have been better in the bedroom since we talked. He seems more relaxed, and we have had sex several times. He has had some social anxiety situations come up and I am seeing more of his emotional and mental health. I think that has a bigger impact than I had realized. I am definitely reading everything here and working hard to use that to move forward. The hard part is to read so many pieces of advice that state so simply to drop him and let him go. I actually care about this man. He is sweet and kind and treats me well. We can be in a room full of people and he looks at me as though I am the only one in the room. When I told some friends that he said he loved me, their reaction was, "we've known that for weeks - just in how he looks at you"! Am I afraid of hurting him? Of course I am. But I am also afraid of missing him. My view of love is pretty skewed after my marriage, so that word is hard, but I care deeply for him. I get anxious when I don't see him for a few days, and excited when I know he's coming by. 

You all know this is never easy.. this is the first true relationship I have been in since my divorce. There are no right or wrong answers, and thing get complex when you get "the feels". But I am grateful for your perspective.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You are right...it isn't easy. I understand you.

I married my LD hubby knowing that full well about him, even though I am very HD. When I first joined I got plenty of "Why did you do that?" type of replies. I was and still am of the mindset that no relationship is ever perfect. There are going to be areas that aren't an exact match. Is it frustrating? Yep. Do I get annoyed and pissy sometimes? Yep. Overall though, I am so happy in my relationship, that no one could pull me away.

Like you, I came out of a unhappy 20 year marriage. I met my husband almost immediately so didn't experience much at all of the dating scene. On the other hand, my husband had been pretty much a serial dater. He said it was awful. So when you describe finding someone you really care about, I understand why you don't want to toss him aside because of one issue. Especially if he is willing to work on it. 

I suppose somewhere out there are people who are a perfect match in everything. That is certinaly not the norm.

I also understand why he told you he loves you. I was the first one to drop the L bomb with my husband. Why? I had lost too many loved ones. I feel strongly that if I love someone, I should tell them! What good does it do to keep it hidden? Having love for another human is a beautiful thing, so when you feel it, say it. You never know if they might be gone the next day, and then you have regrets. I say bravo to him for telling you the truth of how he feels.

Plus, I see the moving thing in four years as a minor issue. Either of you could change your mind if you fall deeply in love, and then you would work out the logistics. I'm not at all minimizing the importance of desire and your/his sexual needs. I'm simply acknowledging it is a real factor, but if you are ok with it, and he is dedicated to working on it and keeping you pleased then there is hope for this relationship. Plus, if you love everything else about your relationship, you can make it work.

I wish you both success and happiness.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Perhaps you can surprise him with a gift: the Magic Wand!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Well, while neither of us planned for it, we just talked about our concerns moving forward. While the sex has been better, the fact that our feelings have escalated and we have that "end date" needed to be addressed. It's not going to get easier. 

We like each other. Not just as BF/GF, but as humans. It hurts now, but we agree that we would rather have it hurt now, and have time together as friends. If we let it go, it will be much worse later. 

We agreed to let things sit for a few days... to sort out our thoughts and meet for a drink later this week. 

But it's hard. Really hard.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Be still and actually sit with it. Is this really what you are looking for? Only you can answer that.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@TooNice It will take some time to be ok with it. The breakup of the first relationship after divorce is always really hard. But you will be ok *hugs*


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## muiscq (Mar 19, 2013)

TooNice said:


> I don't know for sure, but I would be very very surprised. It doesn't fit for what I know of his value system.



Im going to say that porn does play a huge role in sex... he might be watching a lot of porn and yes it can be a addiction.. I have done this before and even though I would like sex, If I watched porn for the weekend and girl wanted sex Monday,, it not going to happen. I don't care how hot you are or worked up... its not going to happen


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## muiscq (Mar 19, 2013)

TooNice said:


> We are not ignoring it. It's been a topic of conversation for some time; much more so since we have started to have stronger feelings for each other. Perhaps it was naive of both of us to think we could just have fun in the moment, but I see lots of advice on this site that encourage people to do exactly that. But trust me, we are not ignoring that piece.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I would ask him what he likes.. be bold with it.. You say its getting better but what do you want.. I can tell you that I like it when I am asked what I want.. and not beating around the brush either. straight forward. everyone has watched porn.. use that.. ask what does he like in porn. you know maybe he's a morning person. not that late at night thing. I ran through that for a time. that way the day has not started and mind is free. wake him up with some () you know..


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Could he be Bisexual?


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