# I’m all over the place sitting still



## Onemoredown

I found this forum to try and help with a ton of marriage issues. Way too much to post at once but hopefully in time I’ll flush it out to get some advice on the issues my wife and I face. Just not sure which one to tackle first? Part of the problem is I’m somewhat unsure how to put it to words sometimes. 

Some of its me, some of its her, some of it is just life being life. I apologize in advance if I take time to respond - I have a time consuming career and most of my time is spent with my wife. Lack of time is one of my issues!


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## SpinyNorman

*Re: I’m all over the place sitting still*



Onemoredown said:


> I found this forum to try and help with a ton of marriage issues. Way too much to post at once but hopefully in time I’ll flush it out to get some advice on the issues my wife and I face. Just not sure which one to tackle first? Part of the problem is I’m somewhat unsure how to put it to words sometimes.
> 
> Some of its me, some of its her, some of it is just life being life. I apologize in advance if I take time to respond - I have a time consuming career and most of my time is spent with my wife. Lack of time is one of my issues!


Welcome.

Why not start w/ something simple? That will give you practice for the bigger stuff.


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## Onemoredown

SpinyNorman said:


> Welcome.
> 
> Why not start w/ something simple? That will give you practice for the bigger stuff.


Hopefully I did the quote right. I’m figuring it out as I go. I’m not sure any issue is “simple”. I guess a simple one is getting my wife to put more effort in around the house. I commute 3 hours a day plus 8 hours work. She does work from home making calls and taking care of our 2 year old but when my older kids from a prior marriage came for two weeks (both 7 and under) I worked remotely, took care of all three kids 90% of time, and cleaned the house better than she ever does with the 2 year old. I don’t mind sharing the chores, but we’ve talked and talked and talked and I get the “I’m too tired” stuff - yeah, no kidding, me too. 

But that’s far from the most pressing one.


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## Mr.Married

Perhaps it is already up to her level of required clean. Unless it is beyond the level of "the neighbors are embarrassed to come over" then I wouldn't worry to much. This would be one of my last issues to fuss over if you have a ton of other issues. 

Hire a maid feasable?


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## Onemoredown

This is truly the least of what I think our issues are, but the simplest as suggested by the second post. I just don’t know where to start. Kitchen sink approach or one by one?

But let me tell you, OH NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HER LEVEL OF CLEAN! Putting me aside, it drives her absolutely bat**** that it’s the way it is. She’s embarrassed over it. Why we don’t invite friends over. She claims she needs help, tired, adds to her anxiety/stress.

I’ll get antsy and shellshock the house from top to bottom. Then she’ll let it go and I just can’t keep up by myself. 

And one of our life problems finances, which we don’t fight over, is very limited. We don’t really do much, however, despite my pay, between child support, high insurance costs (car and health), divorce costs from ex, and travel to see my older children whittles down the cash flow. So no, maid isn’t really an option.


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## MattMatt

Why does she not clean? 

Is she depressed? Post Partum depression, perhaps?


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## Onemoredown

MattMatt said:


> Why does she not clean?
> 
> Is she depressed? Post Partum depression, perhaps?


If you asked me that a year ago I’d say yes. Now two years post birth, off BC, no other meds, has a social life, works, we communicate somewhat better. No, I don’t feel or think she’s depressed. She even told me she doesn’t feel that way anymore. She has taken steps to make herself look better and get back into shape as well. 

Now, she does do things. She will put dishes in the dishwasher, which I do as well and put away. She will feed the kids and cook nearly every meal and I will assist in this as well. But pretty much everything else falls on me. Yeah, she’ll help fold and do laundry when I push her and do it with her. I’m not a clean freak, but I draw a line at my house smelling like a dump.


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## MattMatt

*Re: I’m all over the place sitting still*



Onemoredown said:


> If you asked me that a year ago I’d say yes. Now two years post birth, off BC, no other meds, has a social life, works, we communicate somewhat better. No, I don’t feel or think she’s depressed. She even told me she doesn’t feel that way anymore. She has taken steps to make herself look better and get back into shape as well.
> 
> Now, she does do things. She will put dishes in the dishwasher, which I do as well and put away. She will feed the kids and cook nearly every meal and I will assist in this as well. But pretty much everything else falls on me. Yeah, she’ll help fold and do laundry when I push her and do it with her. I’m not a clean freak, but I draw a line at my house smelling like a dump.


Never 100% trust someone who says: "I'm fine."


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## turnera

Sit down and write out a list of all things that have to be done. Take turns 'choosing' which things you will each be responsible for, until all are accounted for. For now, strive for 50/50. If she starts getting into the habit of pulling her weight for 50%, you can address her covering more later. What was her FOO like?


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## Onemoredown

MattMatt said:


> Never 100% trust someone who says: "I'm fine."


I get that. But we do have regular in depth discussions. I can read my wife fairly well and tell when she’s off. She isn’t exactly happy with our external factors, or with her looks, and some of our things. But the last year going back to work and going off BC made a monumental change in her attitude that even I noticed.


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## Onemoredown

turnera said:


> Sit down and write out a list of all things that have to be done. Take turns 'choosing' which things you will each be responsible for, until all are accounted for. For now, strive for 50/50. If she starts getting into the habit of pulling her weight for 50%, you can address her covering more later. What was her FOO like?


Yeah... about that.... we’ve tried that, more like I tried that. My 50% got done. Her 50%... meh. It’s a general like of follow up and letting things pile up that gets her discouraged from maintaining. 

As to FOO, we’re both from South USA, divorced parents, blended and extended families. Her mother passed away when she was 18-19, which was 12 years ago or so. I would say her life before me was tougher at least for her teens and 20s. Her parents did get along while she was alive, mine were and remain oil and gasoline. We’re both educated in life and school, her a masters, me law.


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## Noble1

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds very stressful all around for the both of you.

If possible, I would look to see if your wife is feeling very overwhelmed for whatever reason.

My situation from a few years back sounds like what you are going through now. At the worst - more than a few years - I was like a single parent.

My wife during this time was in a deep depression due to various factors and the decent was so slow, it took a few years of wishing and hoping before we took solid action to get thing better.

Hope things get better for the both of you soon.

Good luck.


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## turnera

*Re: I’m all over the place sitting still*



Onemoredown said:


> Yeah... about that.... we’ve tried that, more like I tried that. My 50% got done. Her 50%... meh. It’s a general like of follow up and letting things pile up that gets her discouraged from maintaining.
> 
> As to FOO, we’re both from South USA, divorced parents, blended and extended families. Her mother passed away when she was 18-19, which was 12 years ago or so. I would say her life before me was tougher at least for her teens and 20s. Her parents did get along while she was alive, mine were and remain oil and gasoline. We’re both educated in life and school, her a masters, me law.


The reason I suggest the list is that once you have AGREED on which each of you will be responsible for, you're going to have to stand your ground. You will NOT be cleaning the toilets if it's her accepted job and she doesn't. You won't do the dishes if that's her job - you go out and buy paper plates and keep them somewhere and use them only for herself - if she wants to eat, she can wash a plate or fork or dig it out with her fingers. You have to make it clear to her that you WILL hold her accountable for her half. Women ignore weak men.


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## SunCMars

*Re: I’m all over the place sitting still*



turnera said:


> The reason I suggest the list is that once you have AGREED on which each of you will be responsible for, you're going to have to stand your ground. You will NOT be cleaning the toilets if it's her accepted job and she doesn't. You won't do the dishes if that's her job - you go out and buy paper plates and keep them somewhere and use them only for herself - if she wants to eat, she can wash a plate or fork or dig it out with her finger. You have to make it clear to her that you WILLYo hold her accountable for her half. *Women ignore weak men.*


And men, in general, ignore women. :surprise:

I had the hardest time deciding which emoji to put at the end of the above sentence?

Yowza!





[THM]- The Typist I


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## Onemoredown

Noble1 said:


> Sorry to hear about your situation.
> 
> It sounds very stressful all around for the both of you.
> 
> If possible, I would look to see if your wife is feeling very overwhelmed for whatever reason.
> 
> My situation from a few years back sounds like what you are going through now. At the worst - more than a few years - I was like a single parent.
> 
> My wife during this time was in a deep depression due to various factors and the decent was so slow, it took a few years of wishing and hoping before we took solid action to get thing better.
> 
> Hope things get better for the both of you soon.
> 
> Good luck.


I appreciate that. Thank you. What actions did you take that actually worked? Was it the same thing until it sunk in like she had a light bulb go off? Or a different tact?


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## Onemoredown

turnera said:


> Onemoredown said:
> 
> 
> 
> The reason I suggest the list is that once you have AGREED on which each of you will be responsible for, you're going to have to stand your ground. You will NOT be cleaning the toilets if it's her accepted job and she doesn't. You won't do the dishes if that's her job - you go out and buy paper plates and keep them somewhere and use them only for herself - if she wants to eat, she can wash a plate or fork or dig it out with her fingers. You have to make it clear to her that you WILL hold her accountable for her half. Women ignore weak men.
> 
> 
> 
> I appreciate the response. I don’t think that’s quite the issue that my wife ignores me because she believes I’m weak willed. She generally leaves 90% of the household decisions to me as our dynamic. If I ask her to do something, sure, she’ll do it.
> 
> This I feel should be more automatic - clean up after yourself. She cooks automatically, she cares for the kids automatically, she works automatically - I don’t need to be her parent on those things. Should I really have to tell her to wash the dishes in the sink that have piled up after a week that I have to wash a fork to eat? Or do laundry that’s so piled up I have to search for socks or boxers? Or throw trash away in the trash can?
> 
> I do my chores, and I don’t do hers unless the kids are coming over. That’s why my house smells. It drives me bonkers to see her playing on her phone, watching tv, or having a girls night until 2-3AM, then be told she’s tired, overwhelmed, or no time to get to it.
Click to expand...


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## Livvie

Okay, just checking in on this detail, girls night out until 2 or 3 am.

How often does this happen?

Do you do a dudes night out?


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## Blondilocks

Since she's off BC, have you had a vasectomy? You can barely afford the 3 kids you have so a fourth would really sink your ship.

What is causing the smell in the house? Is your youngest child toilet trained?


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## turnera

*Re: I’m all over the place sitting still*



Onemoredown said:


> I appreciate the response. I don’t think that’s quite the issue that my wife ignores me because she believes I’m weak willed.


No, I meant that when you finally put your foot down and say this has to stop, you must THEN see it through or she will then see you as weak and ignore you.



> She generally leaves 90% of the household decisions to me as our dynamic. If I ask her to do something, sure, she’ll do it. This I feel should be more automatic - clean up after yourself. She cooks automatically, she cares for the kids automatically, she works automatically - I don’t need to be her parent on those things. Should I really have to tell her to wash the dishes in the sink that have piled up after a week that I have to wash a fork to eat? Or do laundry that’s so piled up I have to search for socks or boxers? Or throw trash away in the trash can?
> 
> I do my chores, and I don’t do hers unless the kids are coming over. That’s why my house smells. It drives me bonkers to see her playing on her phone, watching tv, or having a girls night until 2-3AM, then be told she’s tired, overwhelmed, or no time to get to it.


 Which, again, is why you have to put your foot down. Maybe she didn't grow up cleaning, who knows? But whatever, she has to understand you won't put up with this, that something has to change. The fact that you ALLOW her to play on her phone or watch tv or act like a 20 year old with her girlfriends says a lot about you, unfortunately. She clearly has no respect for you and sees you as a meal ticket. What are you going to do about it?

You may want to start by reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. I suspect it will change your life.


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## Cynthia

*Re: I’m all over the place sitting still*



Onemoredown said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> 
> I appreciate the response. I don’t think that’s quite the issue that my wife ignores me because she believes I’m weak willed. She generally leaves 90% of the household decisions to me as our dynamic. If I ask her to do something, sure, she’ll do it.
> 
> This I feel should be more automatic - clean up after yourself. She cooks automatically, she cares for the kids automatically, she works automatically - I don’t need to be her parent on those things. Should I really have to tell her to wash the dishes in the sink that have piled up after a week that I have to wash a fork to eat? Or do laundry that’s so piled up I have to search for socks or boxers? Or throw trash away in the trash can?
> 
> I do my chores, and I don’t do hers unless the kids are coming over. That’s why my house smells. It drives me bonkers to see her playing on her phone, watching tv, or having a girls night until 2-3AM, then be told she’s tired, overwhelmed, or no time to get to it.
> 
> 
> 
> This is how she is. You cannot change her. You are letting it drive you nuts when there isn't a think you can do about it. Either live with her and accept her for who she is or leave, because (again) you cannot change her and she obviously is not willing to change herself.
Click to expand...


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