# How can you encourage the cheater to own up



## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

What is the best way to confront a WS with a view to having them own up and be honest with you about their infidelity. e.g. by keeping calm and measures and/or yourself claming some responsibility that things have gone wrong. 

Is there anything that can help the WS feel more comfortable about coming clean?

If my fears turn out correct I don't think I could bear listening to bare faced lies and denials.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The only way they will own is if they want, sadly.

Yes, be calm, no matter waht.

Generally, only when confronted will full proof do they come outright and say yes, they did it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I have never experienced infidelity in marriage. When dating, I simply drop kicked the cheater to the curb. So I have no personal knowledge. But if I understand correctly, there is information at affaircare.com.

Good luck!


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ...
> Generally, only when confronted will full proof do they come outright and say yes, they did it.


Having obtained proof maybe it is better not to ask then to confirm or deny what is already know if you intend to split . This is what I did with an old boyfriend who cheated. I didn't even give him an opportunity to have a two way conversation with me about it. However we had only been together a year, no childen, not married so that was relatively easy for me to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cheaters by definition are liars. If you want the truth investigate your self or hire a pro, but for the most part they will only admit to what you have on them.
Even with the hardeast of evidence I've heard of cheaters still deny.
When I confronted my wife with the evidence on this one guy she was sleeping with, she continued to just let it all out... the flood gates opened 13 years with 20 OM. Wow I didn't see that coming!

I didn't realy do anything to have her give me all that info. I guess after so many years of not giving a damb about her, I guess she took that oppertunity to own up.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What would be the point? If you have proof you know the truth and they really have nothing to add. You'll probably want to know "why". They will likely make a lame excuse that puts the blame on you, on alcohol, on stress, or on the other woman. The truth is they cheated cause they were just selfish, they lacked honor and integrity, had no respect for you, etc, etc, but the truthful answer is the one you'll never hear. 
A confession dragged out of someone only after they were confronted with irrefutable evidence isn't worth much. 
If you can't trust someone you don't need them as a partner and their cheating was a blessing because it revealed to you their true character before you invested more into them. If you know, just do what you have to do. I don't waste time talking to drunks, crazy people, or liars. You won't hear anything you can seriously use and your ears can only stand just so much BS.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the proof sets the LS free "I'm not crazy". It validates the LS and there suspicion is founded. Its not so much the confession as it is the confirmation that your spouse has the capacity to do the unthinkable.

Granted it will some what make the DS own up, and in my experience that ment alot. I would ask if there was anyone. Years ago I would ask and except the scripted response... it was easier to bury my head in the sand. 

The point is, its very hard to get someone to admit they committed a crime with out evidence. There will be a consequence and cheaters...#1 lie and #2 don't want to face consequences.

If they did they would have faced the heavy lifting of leaving the marriage 1st and suffer the burden of a divorce before infidelity, instead of taking the east way out and not addressing the problematic marraige.

The only encouragement you can give a DS to own up is the proof that you have.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Joan,

From my experience, the DS must come to the precipitous of life as they know it before the "owning" is ever internalized. Even at the edge the DS must truly want to reclaim. 

My wife when caught denied the magnitude of her affairs, lied about the involvement, and omitted all she thought she could get away with. It took the reality that her husband of 30+ years, 2 grown children, and family members, friends, home, and life as she knew it were about to vanish never to return to open her eyes to the magnitude of what she had done. 

The fantasy in her brain was very deep. Deeper than I could of imagined. The consequences of her selfishness were never considered (hard to believe) while she was in affairs. Even when caught the denials did not stop. My counselor told me that 6 years of deceit does not unravel in one setting. 

In my case, I made it clear that without the truth, we were through. I very calmly stated that if I found more, caught her up in lies again, we were through. Thus the owning only occurred when she was faced with the reality that her ONLY chance to remotely reclaim what she foolishly tossed aside was to first, accept, admit, and own up to what she had become.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

the guy said:


> When I confronted my wife with the evidence on this one guy she was sleeping with, she continued to just let it all out... the flood gates opened 13 years with 20 OM. Wow I didn't see that coming!
> 
> I didn't realy do anything to have her give me all that info. I guess after so many years of not giving a damb about her, I guess she took that oppertunity to own up.


This is what happened to my SIL when she caught her husband cheating. He owned up to everything and it was way worse than she ever dreamed of. Multiple women over 12 years. Even as she was kicking him out he wondered why he couldn't just continue his lifestyle. In his eyes things were just peachy well that is until he got caught. What an idiot.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> What would be the point? If you have proof you know the truth and they really have nothing to add. You'll probably want to know "why". They will likely make a lame excuse that puts the blame on you, on alcohol, on stress, or on the other woman. The truth is they cheated cause they were just selfish, they lacked honor and integrity, had no respect for you, etc, etc, but the truthful answer is the one you'll never hear.
> A confession dragged out of someone only after they were confronted with irrefutable evidence isn't worth much.
> If you can't trust someone you don't need them as a partner and their cheating was a blessing because it revealed to you their true character before you invested more into them. If you know, just do what you have to do. I don't waste time talking to drunks, crazy people, or liars. You won't hear anything you can seriously use and your ears can only stand just so much BS.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Maybe I don't need to tell him I have proof. Maybe all he needs to know from me is that we are splitting up period. Would a cheater be upset if the LS just said out of the blue they are done and without giving any reason? I'll have to talk to him about the children and house etc but do I owe a cheater an explanation? 

If I was to get proof maybe this proof is just for me so that I know I am not paranoid or mad and I will know I am splitting with him with good reason.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Cheaters by definition are liars. If you want the truth investigate your self or hire a pro, but for the most part they will only admit to what you have on them.
> Even with the hardeast of evidence I've heard of cheaters still deny.
> When I confronted my wife with the evidence on this one guy she was sleeping with, she continued to just let it all out... the flood gates opened 13 years with 20 OM. Wow I didn't see that coming!
> 
> I didn't realy do anything to have her give me all that info. I guess after so many years of not giving a damb about her, I guess she took that oppertunity to own up.


Did it help that she eventually fessed up and are you together now? I don't think my spouse would admit to anything over or above what I had proof of. 

thanks for sharing.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

RWB said:


> ... In my case, I made it clear that without the truth, we were through. I very calmly stated that if I found more, caught her up in lies again, we were through. Thus the owning only occurred when she was faced with the reality that her ONLY chance to remotely reclaim what she foolishly tossed aside was to first, accept, admit, and own up to what she had become.


Thank you RWB -I am glad to know you found a way of having her own her wrongdoing. My worry is does this mean you feel you have to be a PI for the rest of your life, continually on the look out for deception. I think this would be too stressful for me.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> The point is, its very hard to get someone to admit they committed a crime with out evidence. There will be a consequence and cheaters...#1 lie and #2 don't want to face consequences.
> 
> If they did they would have faced the heavy lifting of leaving the marriage 1st and suffer the burden of a divorce before infidelity, instead of taking the east way out and not addressing the problematic marraige. ...


For so many years I have felt the lack of emotional support from him. He would never want to talk to me about our problems and would never see a counsellor. Maybe he was afraid a counsellor would see through him and work out that he was a cheater. It feels like he has been mocking me all these years rather than put in the work to improve our marriage. Often times the more obviously crushed I was with our lack of communication the happier he was.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

joan,
We are still together, and its going good, she has done all the heavy lifting in repairing this grap.
Our new marriage is alot healthier then our last one. We both had unhealthy behaviors which lead to some very resentful things we did to each other in the past.
We are both happy with our new marraige, but with the same spouses ;-) We seem to have less expectation for each other and we are very much aware of what the other is capable of doing, so we both prevent those behaviors that brought us so much unhappiness from our old marriage.

As far as giving your DS an explanation goes.. he doesn't diserve one. In fact if thats were you want to take this, I think its do justice.

I can see it kind of going down like this;

[him] where are you and why did you take your stuff?

[you] I desided to move on with out you

[him] why?

[you] I no longer like the person you have become...bye

When I think about it joan, it makes sense. He never gave you an explanation on why he was unhappy in the marriage which resulted in him stepping out and leaving the marriage. So why should you give him one.

Granted this is a pro marriage forum, but you know what you need to do. I'm just sitting here typing away...waiting for football season to start


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Guy

SO SO SO good to hear you now have a solid happy marriage. It can't have been easy to get to that point.

Thanks for understanding how I feel about quitting without talking it all through and without confronting. Apart from what I've said above, I suspect he will become extremely verbally aggressive with me if I contront him. He turned on me several years back when I persisted in questioning him about my suspicions. I stood up to him at the time, even though I was shocked at his ferocity and somewhat intimated, but I don't want to be in that situation agian. 

OMG - Now I come to think of it, although I have had many suspicions since that confrontation (I had no proof) I don't recall ever having confronted him again. I've only just realised this!!! I've been so busy congratulating myself about standing up to him that one time, that I hadn't stopped to realise or admit to myself that I am somewhat afraid of confronting him. He didn't lay a finger on me or raise his hand, but I felt really threatened. 

He got right up in my face aggressively shouting and swearing. I shouted back that I had every right to question him if I saw fit and I made myself not to back away. However, I saw a side of him I never wanted to see again and unconsciously I never confronted again. I've always felt I was a strong character but right now it's dawning on me that I'm a little wary of him due to this incident. 

Oh, this is HUGE for me. Why am I crying and hurting over a person like this. He presents as one thing but underneath he is something else. I didn't recognise him that night and I'm sure if I were to tell other people who know him how he turned on me that night, they would think I were lying. He is normally so mild mannered, moral and agreeable.

You are SO right Guy. I really don't like the person he has become. I wonder if I ever really knew the real man. OMG


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> ...
> If you can't trust someone you don't need them as a partner and their cheating was a blessing because it revealed to you their true character before you invested more into them. ...


I know I agreed with this before, but I agree even more now that I realise I have allowed myself to be intimidated into keeping silent about my suspicions. 

I have no idea how I'll manage on my own as I have very little in the way of family support but I will have to find a way. So many wasted years.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

joan,

Ever been to a pawn shop?

Start to take some of the things he won't miss or even if he does tell him it went to charity.

Point is, a few things laying around the house will give you a small amout of money, its a start and with money comes power, so start hauking your blender, toaster, shampoor, and instruments. Tools and jewlery are best.

You want get much but I hope it helps


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