# Wife said she was done...then changed her mind



## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

about 18 days ago my wife blind sided me and told me she wanted a divorce. we have been married for almost 3 yrs.

it was a "its not u its me" thing. she loves me but is not in love with me.

it blind sided me i told her i would do anything consoling etc. to save it. she still insisted she was leaving. after she told me she was leaving she was in a great mood very very happy. i was sad and bawled. the next morning i begged her to stay as i cried. she said no. 
\
after i got my self together i headed to work as i left she was taking all of her pictures of her family off the fridge.

as i pulled into work she text me to come back reluctantly i went back. she told me we could wrk it out and she wasnt goin to leave.

i was pissed when she said that. she broke my heart so bad i did not know if i wanted her back after that.

So here we are 18 days later i want to get over what she did to me but part of me just cant. its not fair she can pull out the d-card and then take it back as if nothing happened.

is our marriage doomed to be both of us faking it..?

The big problem now is she is talking about tryin to get pregnant soon (which was our goal this spring) and my fear is once i let my guard down she will do it again at some point in our lives and i would prefer we do not have a kid if we are doomed for divorce 

any advice is much appreciated. we also barely have a sex life unless we are trying to have a baby but its kinda always been like that.

i do not know what to dooooooo


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry you are here.

If you don't have kids now...DO NOT get her pregnant.

You need to fix the marriage first before you bring kids into it. The kid(s) will change everything.

Others may comment that there might be another person your wife is interested in and needs a break from you to do a 'test drive' of the other person.

Keep strong and decide what you want first. If you want to keep the marriage or if you want to go your own way.

If you decide on the marriage, you need to make sure its only you and your wife in it. Don't ask her though and don't confront without solid evidence. There are many posts in the CWI section that will tell you what you need to do if you want to go this route.


Good luck.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, forget about your wife or what she did to you (divorce thing)....which BTW is messed up.

Ask yourself, can you live with this woman for the rest of your life without sex? Heck, I can answer it FOR YOU. No you can't and sooner or later it will break you and your marriage, and if you continue on YOUR FAMILY.

So do yourself a favor and YOU get a divorce. She has 0 desire to make sure you are satisfied sexually (she should know what's at risk if she doesn't do it).

As for the original issue, I would demand an explanation and DETAILS of why lead her to that decision. You deserve that, none of that "it's me BS". 

I wouldn't live with a woman like that and it would be a complete deal breaker from a sex perspective.

Divorce move she pulled would just be a seal on it....if anything.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Noble1 said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> If you don't have kids now...DO NOT get her pregnant.
> 
> ...


It is certainly possible her boyfriend dumped her as soon as she told him she was actually leaving you and he realized she was his problem now.


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

i do not think she is and/or has cheated on me i may have exaggerated on the no sex we do have sex. just not so much the crazy exciting sex. its boring married sex.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> i do not think she is and/or has cheated on me i may have exaggerated on the no sex we do have sex. just not so much the crazy exciting sex. its boring married sex.


Doesn't matter, it could be an EA that hasn't turned physical yet and odds are you wouldn't know about it (most cheaters don't get caught).

Its rare for a woman to leave the security of a marriage without a backup. It might be nothing but you need to verify anyway. When my W first left years ago I didn't think in a million years it was for someone else but a month after she was gone I found out the truth.

Never say never.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Doesn't matter, it could be an EA that hasn't turned physical yet and odds are you wouldn't know about it (most cheaters don't get caught).
> 
> Its rare for a woman to leave the security of a marriage without a backup. It might be nothing but you need to verify anyway. When my W first left years ago I didn't think in a million years it was for someone else but a month after she was gone I found out the truth.
> 
> Never say never.


Listen to this OP ^^^

Chances are HIGH that there is another man in the picture......


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

MisterGuy said:


> i do not think she is and/or has cheated on me i may have exaggerated on the no sex we do have sex. just not so much the crazy exciting sex. its boring married sex.


Listen to me. Listen to all of us on this next line. Trust us on this:

DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.

It deserved its very own line. I would not even consider kids with this woman for at least a few YEARS. In all honestly, I would walk now.

Her getting pregnant will not fix the problems in your marriage. You did the wrong thing in your response- begging has never and will never make a woman feel more desire for a man. It may guilt into going through the motions, but it will NEVER make her feel desire. Period.

You seem to lack confidence, and this is likely WHY she doesnt have sex with you often, doesnt seem engaged, and seems to even want a divorce. You must have value INDEPENDENTLY OF HER in order for you to have value in her eyes.

Its sort of coincidental I just got done writing a post on this topic. Rather than me rewrite it, heres a link to my post (top of the page):
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/187889-struggle-my-wifes-past-3.html

Heres my advice- file for divorce YESTERDAY. You can change your mind later, but she had d*mn well better given you a truly remarkable reason to do so. Cut all sex- use your hand if you need to in order to resist- not only will it demonstrate to her your ability to withstand manipulation, it will remove the possibility of you bringing a child into this mess. Hit the gym. Hang out with your boys at the bar. Take the motorcycle out. Get involved in the EXPERIENCE AND BETTERMENT of YOUR LIFE while you take some time away from her to analyze whether or not she is the right direction in your life.

Keep us in the loop and we can try to help you understand the things you are feeling/thinking from a detached and non-biased perspective. Good luck!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get her phone records and check her emails.
Put a var in her car.
Tell her you will think about staying married but she has to fess up but fist get evidence.
Life is too short for this crap though only 3 years and she is pulling this?
I would set her free jmo.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Do not have a baby. Everyone here can agree on that.

She "may" have another guy, but unless you get proof, we really have no idea there.

So, let's observe:

Did anything happen before she "blindsided" you? A fight maybe? Has she been "nagging" at you a lot lately? 

My husband seems shocked sometimes when I get annoyed at him for something I have mentioned to him probably 45 times before I've had enough of being ignored. So, if she has mentioned something in particular to you before, did you brush it off as no big deal? That could trigger one of those hissy fits she had.

As far as the "boring married sex", have you told her you're bored with it? It won't get exciting if you don't say anything. As far as she knows, you're happy with it. So, if you're not...speak up. Tell her what you want and how you want it...just like men, women can't read minds. 

I'm not saying what she did was excusable...it's definitely not. It's immature of her to act that way and use divorce as a scare tactic. 

Sit and talk with her. Let he know you will not tolerate her saying she wants to be done and then turning around and saying never mind. Tell her that you are still considering splitting with her due to her behavior and that it doesn't exactly promote confidence in her. With that, tell her that having a child has now been taken off the table until she can learn to express herself in a way that both mature and helpful to the relationship.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If sex is so infrequent or boring, go get condoms. That will be an immediate wake up call. She's going to ask why and you tell her "I don't want to bring a child into this situation. You wanted to completely end the marriage and I'm not going to co-parent a child in a broken home."


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Yes listen to everyone. Do not try to have a baby. If anything tell her you'd like to push it back for another year because she out of no where wanted a divorce and you want to work on the marriage right now. Seems very random! Did she even explain why she wanted a divorce ?


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## MisterGuy (Apr 28, 2014)

believe me i am not interested in having a baby at this moment. as i said i and torn half of me wants to remember the good days and the other half is distant and angry.
:scratchhead:

i do not really want to put too much personal info. but there had been some problems in the past. but whats crazy is we were the closest and best we have ever been for the past 5 months it was awesome. then boom you know the rest.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If sex is so infrequent or boring, go get condoms. That will be an immediate wake up call. She's going to ask why and you tell her "I don't want to bring a child into this situation. You wanted to completely end the marriage and I'm not going to co-parent a child in a broken home."


THis

I would also throw in "I'm concerned about STDs as you are clearly not being honest with me about your divorce intentions"


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Tell her clearly that if she ever mentions divorce again, YOU will file. She won't get a chance to take it back. Be ready to pack.

Here is the deal: whether she does or does not have another man in her life (Guys...she doesn't wither away and die without regular injections of sperm. Look it up) she is CLEARLY very diffident about her marriage.

Her reasons for staying might not actually be complimentary. "I don't want to tell my mom" wouldn't exactly fill me with joy.

First off, crying isn't helping anything. I am not going to tell you not to be hurt, but crying to manipulate her to stay is a chick trick.

I would consider doing the 180. Google 'healing heart' and '180' It will give you a series of steps to emotionally distance yourself. Now, this may sound like a stupid idea. Why distance yourself now when things are so precarious? Well...I don't want you to waste your time either.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

only 3 yrs into marriage.

move on and be thankful she showed her cards.

at the very lest get a postnup! to protect yourself in the future.


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## Better Days (Oct 27, 2013)

My feelings are after she told you she was leaving you she let her OM know and he did dump her himself and that is why she changed her mind. What other reason could she have that quick. Down the road she'll do the same thing. Check the phone....etc...and get VAR's around. You'll find out the truth and good luck!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MisterGuy said:


> after she told me she was leaving she was in a great mood very very happy. i was sad and bawled. the next morning i begged her to stay as i cried. she said no.
> \


This is really bad.

It devalues you and makes you out to be a cowardly sniveling, pathetic dependent weakling, and gives her the power to look down at you all broken up and just say "no".

Burns out any last shred of attraction she may have for you. 

Regardless of how things work out or do not.. never, ever do that again. With her, or anyone else.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When she said that she changed her mind after ripping you apart, you should have told her that you need time to process it and you'll let her know your answer in a few days and then ask her where she will be staying so you can talk to her in person because a problem of this magnitude should be discussed face to face. I would love to see the look on her face.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> When she said that she changed her mind after ripping you apart, you should have told her that you need time to process it and you'll let her know your answer in a few days and then ask her where she will be staying so you can talk to her in person because a problem of this magnitude should be discussed face to face. I would love to see the look on her face.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Either way, she is not marriage material.

She's either looney, wants a divorce one minute and wants to stay together the next minute.

Or, she's just trying to play games with you to assert her superiority over you.

Or, she is cheating and her boyfriend inconveniently dumped her after she became free.

No scenario where she is a keeper.

And to bring child into this is morally wrong thing to do TO A CHILD.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hard to judge what sort of person your wife is. We don't really have a portrait of her from this brief account. Never mind, though. Work on yourself. Read posts by Machiavelli on this site. Do a search and get the prescription.

Basically Mach urges men to up their biological sex appeal.

Are you overweight? Lose it. Want to her to desire you? Build your muscles.

You can improve yourself so that if you end up splitting you will be a better place. If your wife should happen to fall back in love with you, fine. In not, that'll also be okay.

Don't engage in relationship discussions that spin round and round. Listen to your wife carefully so that you understand what she thinks. Learn to recognize adn pass shxt tests.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I kind feel like this in my marriage. When things are going good, it's at least tolerable but when we face a problem such as losing a job, she says she's leaving or at least thinking about it. After I get a job, there no more talk about that. I feel that I have to provide a state of bliss all the time or she'll leave. Makes me not want to try that hard anymore. She reduced me to a nervous wreck about what will happen if black cloud dares enter our life again. I always thought that in times of trouble your wife should help you, not threaten to leave.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It is certainly possible her boyfriend dumped her as soon as she told him she was actually leaving you and he realized she was his problem now.


I'm quoting this to stress the point OP.

Most women don't make a change unless they have the next situation lined up. I don't gamble, but I'd put money down that your wife was/is having an affair. Sorry.

PS DO NOT have children.

Think what kind of emotional roller coaster has to go on inside someone to go from. I don't love you, I want to leave you to within 1 hour....Sorry I do want to stay with you and have kids.....

HUH?!?!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So if she isn't cheating then your slapping your old lady around, treating her like crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The last five months have been wonderful cuz she was treating you better out of guilt. That and if she stopped being wonderful you would get suspicious and start investigating her affair.

So maybe it was both...maybe she was treating you so wonderful so you wouldn't get suspicious and out of guilt?

The reason we call it blindsided is cuz your freaking blind to the fact that she thought she found someone else.

I bet she starts treating you like crap now that she knows you ain't going anywere.

I'm wondering if your going to still have this wonderful relationship continue or is she going to go out more with her girl friends.

Has she started sleeping with her cell phone under her pillow?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I made the same mistake without the kid part though. My wife never said divorce, but I pretty much got the ILYBNILWY speech
I think I would have been better off to let her go rather than crying and begging. 12 years later its still tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Demand she get a pregnancy test that YOU can witness and see the results. She may already be pregnant and is just trying to rope you into paying the freight. Women who sing their favorite ILYBINILWY nearly already have a "true" love interest and it is seldom if ever the husband.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> It is certainly possible her boyfriend dumped her as soon as she told him she was actually leaving you and he realized she was his problem now.


That was my first thought as well.



Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm quoting this to stress the point OP.
> 
> Most women don't make a change unless they have the next situation lined up. I don't gamble, but I'd put money down that your wife was/is having an affair. Sorry.
> 
> ...


Yep!



hookares said:


> Demand she get a pregnancy test that YOU can witness and see the results. She may already be pregnant and is just trying to rope you into paying the freight. Women who sing their favorite ILYBINILWY nearly already have a "true" love interest and it is seldom if ever the husband.


Wow. This is damn insightful.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK.

I know it's hard, but you need very much to pull your crap together and be rational. This is perhaps more important right now than any other moment in your life.

What makes more sense to you:

#1 your wife is unstable emotionally and incapable of making long-term commitments without randomly walking away no matter what wreckage that causes

#2 your wife has been having an EA or PA for 5 months leading to high levels of happiness in her life, and has decided that she would rather be with the OM, and is now either having second thoughts or got rejected by the OM

#3 there's some huge elephant in the room that you know about that you're not saying which would make it obvious why she's leaving

I don't see any other options. I wish you well.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

MisterGuy said:


> it was a "its not u its me" thing. she loves me but is not in love with me.
> 
> it blind sided me i told her i would do anything consoling etc. to save it. she still insisted she was leaving. after she told me she was leaving she was in a great mood very very happy.


Wow. I feel bad for you MisterGuy. 

The cruel and unfortunate truth is that to be able to do what she did, your wife has already disconnected herself from your marriage. All the bad things suggested by the other posters here are likely possibilities. 

You have to stand up for yourself and decide what you are willing to put up with. Get to the bottom of it one way or another and follow the advice that you have already been given here. Do not let this incident go. Your wife wanting a divorce is where you are at now and you should adjust your heart and mind accordingly to protect yourself (Follow that 180 thing). Your marriage is no longer the one you remember. Don't let her sudden change of heart fool you because she likely has an ulterior motive.


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