# Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

Sorry gang, I tried to keep it short but the words kept flowing out through my pain...:frown2: 

You guys have helped me so wonderfully and caring through the separation process, and unfortunately now my husband is pushing us into the divorce process. 

Her name is "Candy"(yeah right). I found out about this "friend" a little before Valentines day this year from my 5 year old son. When I asked my husband who Candy was since our son brought her up to me, he said it was a friend and basically told me in a non-confrontational way that it wasn't any of my business. 

I'm not gonna retell my long story and put you guys to sleep, but here's a summary: To give you a picture of our time in life, I am almost 35 and he is 33 yrs old. I separated from him 6 months ago to cool off and try to work things out - did it for my mental health since I found out he was having an emotional affair on me with a coworker(he still denies it) & was no longer in love with me, and I was extremely devastated and nervous breakdown-ish. Since he had been so loving in the past, I thought he would still be a bit attentive, but since the separation he NEVER contacts me UNLESS it's for business, and would always get pissed and start an "it's all your fault" heated argument if I brought our relationship up.

He recently told me he wants a divorce. He won't change his mind no matter what I do - or _*did*_, since I stopped begging and trying to convince him weeks ago to work it out with me. We did a 50/50 split the regarding joint custody, and my son tells me that "Candy came over" or hung around with them almost every time I pick him up and ask him if daddy and him hung out with any friends - my husband has a lot if friends, figured it wouldn't be too abnormal to ask who they hung out with during their time together. Recently my son said he was tired of Candy coming over, since he wants time with just his daddy!:frown2:

When we first separated, I asked him if he would agree with me that we would NOT expose our child to anyone we're dating unless we were serious about them, and at that point we would also tell the other spouse about wanting to introduce our child to someone else if we were serious about them. I asked him the last condition so that the other spouse could help our son if he had questions about mommy or Daddy's special "friend" and came to the opposite spouse. And he agreed, but was reluctant to the condition of telling the other spouse about the serious relationship. That was close to six months ago, and like I said, he is totally hardcore about getting the divorce filing started ASAP. He got MAD and started an argument when I told him I needed more time to sort things out before the divorce filing!

We live in California, which is a no fault state, so I couldn't get him on adultery to get anything out of him - or can I (I don't know for sure)? Plus we have no big money assets/items since we've been married, other than a few shared stocks that are only in the 1K-2K range. We also had to short sale our house a few years back. So I don't think it's about money. I wanna confront him about it but he gets so damned angry when I bring our relationship up.

I used to try and keep things calm since I still love him an wanted us to work out, but now I have nothing to lose other than a divorce from a spouse with an "attitude" (which I do not want) and my love is also deteriorating (thank God :grin2. He recently told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore - he told me this after I tried to get "close" to him with a little flirting. Before he couldn't keep his hands off of me. When he told me that, he had tears in his eyes, said he didn't want to hurt me.

I'm getting ready to give him the "free to leave the cage" letter recommended by the book Love Must Be Tough, to let him go. If he comes back to try again I'd do it because I believe strongly in marriage commitment, but it would take a LONG TIME and good Christian counseling before we get to a good point. But for now I'm moving on with my life, peeling his hold off of my heart and getting ready for the divorce filing.

So my question is: Why is he keeping her a secret? 

Thanks as always guys! :smile2:


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

He just doesn't want to share his personal issues with you, it's as simple as that.

It would be like someone asking you why don't you speak to a stranger on the street about some problem you have.

He doesn't view you as someone he wants to talk to you anymore than he absolutely has to.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*



loveSprite said:


> So my question is: *Why is he keeping her a secret? *
> 
> Thanks as always guys! :smile2:


You mean, besides the fact that her name is Candy? :surprise:

I kid, I kid.

He's keeping her a secret because he's ashamed of himself, probably already had her waiting in the wings when you separated, and she probably doesn't measure up to you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

Its not at all unusual for a cheating spouse to keep his/her new life secret and separate from the old life. Its more exciting and given that cheaters lie, sometimes as easily as they breath, he would never tell you. He might have made verbal promises about how to handle the children, but he also made some verbal promises to you at the wedding that he doesn't want to follow either. So, in this regard, his statements are meaningless. If you want something more concrete, put a provision in a separation agreement about not having paramours overnight. I doubt he will agree to that, but you can try.

He's certainly telling you the relationship is over. Believe it or not, that's up to you. I agree marriage is a serious commitment, but that commitment must be made by both parties.

Don't count on the letter to have any impact.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

It's not clear to me that he is a cheating spouse. OP says she asked that they share before introducing new partners to the child, suggesting they were done and could see others. So in that sense he's not doing anything wrong. 

I don't think he wants op in his personal business and she wants to be in it because she wants him back. It's a common dynamic. 

He's already told you he wants a divorce and you basically agreed but now you're jerking it around when he's made clear he doesn't want to be married to you. 

Let it go, you're split and his life is none of your business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

Thanks everyone for your responses. Sorry if there are typos, I'm typing this from my phone since I'm not at home.


Secondtime'Round: I agree that she was already waiting in the wings. And thanks, I don't think she measures up either!  Especially with her seeing him knowing good and well that he's married and with a little kid. But you never know WHAT he's telling her. He could be saying that I died and he's a widower or some other lie.

So he's just trying to minimize his guilt huh? I was thinking that was the reason, or part of it. 

lifeistooshort: I am NOT jerking around the divorce decision. I NEVER agreed to it, I just accepted it, after resisting it for a time. What can I do? This is a no fault state. He's gonna get it whether I cooperate or not! And I'm NOT trying to sneak into his personal business. I'm trying to prevent a scenario where he regularly exposes my son to a new girlfriend over and over again. That is NOT healthy for a child who is already confused about why mommy and daddy aren't together! 

I don't really count on the letter to mean that much to him, or that he would care at all. In the book, Dr. Dobson was just saying a letter MIGHT get back your spouse, but overall with it you'll be gaining your dignity back. I'll admit, I wanted to try some subtle things to attract him again - I got books, found some "get him back" programs. But every time I commit myself to trying something, he'll say or do something that just let's me know he's not interested. I know some people try even though their spouse is resisting 200%, and some do prevail and won them back. But it's tearing me up too much inside, and I'm starting to look at him as totally immoral and without honor. Not to rant, but he knows fully well the damage he is causing, and doesn't care about it - he doesn't even want to try! He thinks he's a "good guy" because because he wants to have our son equal time. Forget about the wife he made vows of lifetime to, huh? But I'm starting to believe that the ideal marriage scenario is DEAD. I wouldn't be surprised if the percentages of divorces keeps climbing. 

So yeah, I just started to believe that this woman has been in the picture for awhile. It's probably the woman from work I saw pictures of, with the "Candy" nickname. He was so mad when I brought her up and accused him, and then exclaimed he wanted a divorce. He was probably planning to say it anyway but he did it quite earlier than expected because of his anger. 

Oh well, time to move on, and just make sure my son and I get through this with God's help. Thanks guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

So you didn't agree to a divorce but you basically acknowledged that he would be seeing others? I guess I'm confused as to how this would work. 

You have every right to know who your son is around but you're either married or not. We're you just hoping he'd get it out of his system? Because that's the worst attitude to take as it makes you look like a doormat and not as someone to be valued.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*



lifeistooshort said:


> So you didn't agree to a divorce but you basically acknowledged that he would be seeing others? I guess I'm confused as to how this would work.
> 
> You have every right to know who your son is around but you're either married or not. We're you just hoping he'd get it out of his system? Because that's the worst attitude to take as it makes you look like a doormat and not as someone to be valued.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*lifeistooshort*, I don't need this negative, sarcastic talk mixed with advice, not today. Normally I'd reply and add some defense to it. But I'm having a pretty bad time with all this right now, and I don't need this.

All I'm gonna say is that people come on here for help, are having a bad time already, and don't need to be bashed when asking for advice.

Later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*



loveSprite said:


> *lifeistooshort*, I don't need this negative, sarcastic talk mixed with advice, not today. Normally I'd reply and add some defense to it. But I'm having a pretty bad time with all this right now, and I don't need this.
> 
> All I'm gonna say is that people come on here for help, are having a bad time already, and don't need to be bashed when asking for advice.
> 
> ...


Ok then. It's not sarcastic, I'm asking questions to get a better understanding of what's going on so I can give advice. 

You want to know why he hides his gf, but nobody can speculate why unless they understand what's gong on. 

But you're not in a place to hear it.

If you just want to vent say so. If you don't want advice, only support, say so.

I'll bow out. Hope things work out for you. 

Later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*



lifeistooshort said:


> It's not clear to me that he is a cheating spouse. OP says she asked that they share before introducing new partners to the child, suggesting they were done and could see others. So in that sense he's not doing anything wrong.
> 
> I don't think he wants op in his personal business and she wants to be in it because she wants him back. It's a common dynamic.
> 
> ...


Its very clear to me that he's cheating now, and almost certainly was at the time of the separation. That would explain his desire to get a divorce (not hers), and his instant introduction of the OW to his son.

OP, unless and until you learn otherwise, I think you should proceed with the assumption that he is cheating. And by learning otherwise, I do NOT mean, listening to your H. He is no longer a credible source on this subject. You cannot have a marriage with three people in it.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

I'm sorry you must go through this.

The worst place to be right now is stuck speculating, you can not plan a future with H, as he has moved on.

You sure speculate a lot.
I would guess that is why he has chosen to keep this from you. Now that you know, its time to have that talk with your son.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

*Pluto2* - Yep, he's cheating. I'm not gonna try and analyze anything anymore. That was when I had alot of hope and was trying to keep my family together. Now I'm just really tired, and will just let him crash when it happens. Even if he doesn't end up having a sleazy ****ty life, he'll answer someday to the Creator or face his bad deeds in some shape or form.


*gouge_away* - I analyze alot, always have been that way. And I also have a lot of love for him, though he's too fogged up in the brain to realize this and the fact that we could still make it work. He's ignoring the fact that this is not the way God intended families to be, but a million+ other cheaters do as well, LOL. So being that he understands my sensitivity in response to his destroying our family unit. he is cautious to expose certain things to me, I guess. He's doing this because he pities me and knows that all this is messed up. He'd say it's out of love or caring, and gets mad when I say he hugs or tries to comfort me out of pity, but c'mon, it really is pity!

Well from now on I'm just worried about ME and my son, and I'm alot stronger than I was six months ago. He'll see that eventually as we proceed with the divorce. He won't be pitying me once he sees me ready and prepared for the divorce proceedings! I'm going to make sure I'm on top of things. I'll study what's in store, along with getting a good lawyer!

Thanks all.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*

Your in my prayers.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*Re: Separated "wants divorce" husband has girlfriend & is keeping her a secret?!*



gouge_away said:


> Your in my prayers.


Thank you so much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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