# Sex drive mismatch?



## ctct (Jul 16, 2010)

Hi,

I've lurked, and my issues are probably already answered elsewhere, but I feel a few comments could help me?


I've been dating a woman I love very much for 3.5 years (both 28). We get along great and both enjoy a great number of activities together, and I'm sweet and romantic. We were both sexual for the first 6 months; after the "honeymoon period" her appetite noticeably dropped. I went along with it (for lack of any control in the matter), but started discussing the issue at about the 2 year mark.

She has very little desire, but I still have the same desire as always. I feel she puts up with sex occasionally, but at times she has even avoided kissing because "it might lead to sex". She never pursues me, and I don't pursue her as often because I fear rejection after so much rejection.

I've had many very open and honest discussions with her in the last year. I've suggested she read about the issue (such as this site), consult a doctor, perhaps go off hormonal birth control (although she was off for a time with no difference), but she has no desire to correct what is not an immediate problem for her.


She will discuss the matter with me, and at this point I'm rather hopeless to finding a solution, but she continues to say we should just keep dating and seeing how thing go, despite having discussed this issue for the umpteenth time.

Recently I told her I feel unloved and unattractive because of this. She told me how attractive I am and that she loves me, at which point I reminded her that her actions don't agree. She concurred and understands that she doesn't have the same desire.

To be perfectly mature and honest about myself: I can't compromise much on the matter. I feel like a young virile 28-year old that wants to hump a lot, which is fine, since I also enjoy plenty of conversation, dinners out, ski trips, and other non-sexual things. It seems simple for her to compromise, but, from my experience, low sex drive is just as immutable. Neither she nor I can change how we feel.

So... Do I break up and move on?
Offer an open relationship? Keep dating and start cheating? Steal all of her birth control and observe any changes?

It seems to me that sex drives must match.



Also - She has never masturbated. I even bought her a vibrator/dildo (which I used on her to great effect), hoping she would experiment and learn her body better, but she has never used it on herself. This would also make a lot more sense if I were simply horrible in bed, but apparently she'd never had orgasms from intercourse until me, and I quite enjoy oral, which works much better...


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

If you cannot accept her for how she is then I would say break up. You don't go out with someone just to change them. If you have needs that she isn't fulfilling then break up and find someone else that matches your libido more closely.


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## ctct (Jul 16, 2010)

76Trombones - I want to note that from my perspective she's the one that changed... but thanks for the feedback. It is difficult to make a decision when some things are so perfect and other things are so lacking.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

ctct,

Good sex in a relationship is like an important organ in our body, if you don't have it, your love dies. 

You are so young, I don't think you want to go through your whole life without much sex. If she doesn't want to do anything to get her sex drive back, you are going to lose physical intimacy, after losing physical intimacy, you will start to lose emotional intimacy.

So think about what you really want!


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## az_wife (Nov 18, 2010)

I would say don't marry her if you are not compatible now because it will only get worse if u do. Maybe taking a break from each other and see if anything changes or she comes to understand a few things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is it possible that you are also too nice, and too available? 

The combo of a low drive female and a too high a level of relationship stability is usually very bad for the male. 

Are you at all a "challenge" to her? Just curious. 



ctct said:


> 76Trombones - I want to note that from my perspective she's the one that changed... but thanks for the feedback. It is difficult to make a decision when some things are so perfect and other things are so lacking.


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## ctct (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm probably way too nice and available. If I were to be more of a challenge there's probably a fine line between getting her to "chase" me and having her be happy for more space/time/sleep.

"The combo of a low drive female and a too high a level of relationship stability is usually very bad for the male."
If this is true, then I should never be in a long-term relationship with this woman. If my relationship can't be stable, I may as well be casually dating.

I understand I need to be cool and collected to remain attractive (same for a woman), but this sounds like I need to "play games" - I may as well be casually dating.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

ctct -

I think you both of you should read "The Sex Starved Marriage" among other books and URLs before you move on. There are sections explicitly addressed to both of you. You might want to find a sex therapist. You need to understand each other and talk freely.

Your GF is undoubtedly a wonderful woman, but you two need to have a satisfying sexual relationship if you are to stay together. The current state of affairs will, in time, poison every minute. I speak from experience - my 2nd w and I had wonderful sex for 20+ years, during the last three her libido went to zero. I moved out, will file for divorce in January.

I'm a lot older than you, but my drive is still intact.

Good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ctct said:


> I understand I need to be cool and collected to remain attractive (same for a woman), but this sounds like I need to "play games" - I may as well be casually dating.


Here is the problem with the distaste for 'games' mindset.

Should you break up, she eventually finds another guy, she finds him desirable - and starts having off-the-hook sex again. Right? So why in the world if you want to stay with this woman wouldn't you look for ways to maintain her sexual attraction rather than diminish it? If you put in the work and she still isn't interested, you move on.

Relationships often become 'fixed' in a particular dynamic. Yours has become fixed in a low sex, bordering on an aversion (fear of any intimate contact such as hugging or kissing) dynamic way too young, way too soon. And like it or not, odds are, your behavior is a contributing factor.

Either have an open mind about actions you can take in an effort to make yourself more sexually desirable to her, or call it quits and move onto the next. If you choose to stay and change nothing, then guess what? Nothing changes. Scratch that ... it will change. It will get worse.

Wish you well.


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## ctct (Jul 16, 2010)

Thanks for all the input. It's truly helpful, but also confusing.


In my dreams I want a long-term relationship, kids, my girlfriend/wife and I have a lot in common - maybe we go skiing every weekend, I provide some things for her (housing, skis and season pass, etc.) because I love her and I want her to do things with me that she can't afford, and for her to be a big part of my life. It seems the typical woman wants things like this also.

But the moment we move in together (we used to live together) she is secure and therefore less attracted to me.
If we get a ski pass and ski every weekend that's me being so nice and giving her too much of my time and therefore she is less attracted to me.
Etc., etc., etc.

This confirms my suspicion that long-term monogamous relationship simply do not work. These are just fairy tales. Perhaps open relationships?

It seems a lot better to simply date new people every year or few months.


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## ctct (Jul 16, 2010)

LOL - I don't have any problem with this - she should be having off-the-hook sex with somebody, and it ain't me...

The psychology makes perfect sense. The logistics are just tricky.



Deejo said:


> Should you break up, she eventually finds another guy, she finds him desirable - and starts having off-the-hook sex again. Right? So why in the world if you want to stay with this woman wouldn't you look for ways to maintain her sexual attraction rather than diminish it? If you put in the work and she still isn't interested, you move on.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Check the sticky thread in the Men's Clubhouse. Lots of information. Believe me ... you ain't alone.


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