# Husband thinks I am the only problem in our marriage.



## dejectedwife (Mar 8, 2012)

We both contribute to the issues in our marriage, but I am the only one willing to own up and work on them. We’ve only been married for 3 years but every year I feel it getting more and more difficult to be with him. And part of me blames myself for even getting to this point. I had major doubts before marrying him. 

So we were happily married for a few months and I got pregnant. I gave birth to our daughter 3 days before our first wedding anniversary and then everything started to crumble.

So with a baby, there were added responsibilities around the house. When I was pregnant my husband would do the dishes and help around the house because I was so tired, but now that they baby was here he stopped doing all that. So now I was taking care of a baby and left alone to clean the house, grocery shop etc.. I also worked outside the home 2-3 days a week. I can honestly say in the 2 years of my daughters life I can count on one hand how many times my husband hot gotten up with her in the middle of the night. And ALL of those times were because I made him.

Obviously this behavior led to fights when I was tired of doing it alone or when he criticized me for not having the house clean enough (I will admit I am not a super clean person. I tend to have a corner of a room somewhere when mail/projects/etc pile up). Fights are never productive in our household because my husband does everything he can to avoid talking about any (even the slightest) conflict. Usually I try to talk to him about something and he stares at the TV, which leads me to believe that he is not listening, so I continue on and then he rolls his eyes and tells me to stop talking. Of course this leads to fights about that. And after the fight is over (when I decide that I am wasting my time) I am left feeling angrier than I was before the fight started without any resolution.

About a year ago I went back to work full-time. It’s been hard to find a balance in our lives. At least for me anyways. I get up early to get ready and then get our daughter up. My husband gets up, takes a shower and then gets back into bed to watch TV. I take our daughter to daycare, go to work, pick her up and go home. My husband gets home 30 minutes before us (when he doesn’t go to the bar) and I usually find him watching TV. A few months ago he complained that I never cooked anymore. So, I instated specific dinner nights and since he is home way before me I have enlisted him to help with the food (which is usually browning hamburger or boiling pasta). But now he complains there are too many dishes. Can’t win. He complains that the house is a mess but after dinner he sits down to watch TV and does not help with anything during the week. He does put our daughter to bed, but lately he has been dragging me into that as well. I on the other hand usually do not get to watch TV until 9 pm. I have graphic design work on the side to do, my daughters laundry, my laundry a house to pick up etc.

Once and a while he attempts at cleaning, but it usually consists of him moving something to another area and not telling me about it. Then when I need it I spend 15-20 minutes looking for it and wasting my time. He also throws things away on me. Once I found one of my socks in the garbage. And he will frequently clean our unfinished basement instead of helping me clean upstairs.

Parenting has also been fun. We had discussions before my daughter was born about how to raise her (no tv before 2 etc). But in reality, he does not do any of that. He main parenting tool is TV. I try to talk about it but you can’t really talk to him about anything. He either thinks you are criticizing him or telling him how to do something (and god forbid that happens). 

You just can’t tell him how to do anything. He will ignore you. For example, diaper rash cream does not go on legs, it actually goes on the diaper rash, but for 2 years he will not do that! And he will not listen to our daughter either. If he is doing something in a way she doesn’t like he will just continue doing it through all her screams. When she has a tantrum he comes to her rescue and hugs her, reinforcing the bad behavior. I’ve asked him repeatedly not to do that. And when she is being naught and I raise my voice to her, he comes to her rescue takes her away like I am abusing her. Then he will say things to her like “Let’s get away from mommy”. She is 2 years old and hits sometimes (as toddlers do) and when she does this he looks at me and says “She must learn that from you” BTW-I have never hit her. I have hit my husband, with a foam bottle washer when I got frustrated once.

And he will nit pick on me in front of our daughter. He will start be saying he has an issue with the mess in the house and ask me to do a better job. Of course I defend myself and he makes some sarcastic comment and basically starts pushing any button he can, then when I raise my voice in the slightest he looks at me and says “You’re doing this in front of her?”

I am so frustrated all the time. I have tried multiple tactics. I have been going to therapy for months (he refuses to go because HE is not the problem). I realize that I do have a temper and I will yell during fights. This is something I am working on. But he refuses to see his part in anything. And he has shown me time and again he doesn’t care to fix anything. I feel like I have no support from him. He doesn’t help with anything until after we’ve had a fight about it. His only household responsibilities 
are the dishes and he complains about doing them all the time. He doesn’t even pay our bills because when he was in charge they never got paid in time and the gas bill didn’t get paid for 5 months! He would spend well over $100 a month at the bar, while we could not pay bills at home. So I had to take over and give him an allowance so he wouldn’t spend all our money. Now we have been able to afford new furniture, but I still hear complaints about how he doesn’t get enough money for his own use.

We do not sleep in same bed. He snores and I asked him to use nasal strips but her refuses and instead sleeps in another room. And we have not had sex in over 2 years. We rarely talk. He never tells me about his day and never asks about mine. When we watch TV it is in separate rooms (even on the rare occasion when we watch the same show). He never calls to say he will be late. He will go to the bar and smell of alcohol at the dinner table and when I ask if he was at the bar he will lie and say no. I'm sure I could go on and on...

I just don’t know what to do anymore or if it’s even worth it.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

Your husband has an old-school mind set. the man is the king but you work too so, you would have to change his mindset and is he will to change..nope!!!

He is comfortable and he will never leave because the next woman will not put up with this and you will. 

LEAVE OR DEAL WITH IT. You're the one that's not ok with the situation , he's ok. 

No Sex in 2 years, really why r there?


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## dejectedwife (Mar 8, 2012)

Why am I still there? For my daughter. I want to be able to provide for her. I am scared of how we will survive financially if we leave. And of course I have to admit to myself that I failed in this relationship. And I still have some hope of being able to make it work.

Although, I am increasingly becoming aware of the fact that being with him is turning me into a person I do not like.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

STOP USING YOUR DAUGHTER... Guess what your daughter will hate YOU for raising her in that environment.. I promise you that. Marriage is hard and even harder when only one person is invested. 

If a stranger was too hurt your daughter you will fight that person but because it your husband you are will to show her what a love-less marriage is...


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Dejectedwife - I totally understand your fear about leaving. Sure, it's hard when a family splits up. It's hard financially and it's also tough dealing with custody, visits, etc. BUT, I would bear in mind the fact that you and your husband are modeling to your child the kind of relationship she may one day have. Do you want her to be married to a man like her daddy? If no, then you have to stand up and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. 

I think it's good that you're in therapy. You need some support when dealing with a person like this. You said he goes to the bar a lot and you two haven't had sex in 2 years. Could it be possible he is cheating? I am not of the school that thinks men are "dogs" and will get it from somewhere (ie, can't go without sex), but a married couple going without sex for 2 years is abnormal to say the least. It is truly a symptom that your relationship has extreme problems.

You say he won't go to counseling or try to change. Work on YOU - work on building up your strength and courage. See if you can't find a way to make more money so you will feel secure providing for your child without him. I am in therapy working on myself in contemplation of divorcing a person who is a LOT like your husband - always telling me I'm wrong, I'm dumb, not good enough, etc. Be strong for you and your child. If he doesn't think the relationship is important enough to fix, you decide you and your child are important enough to get strong and move on.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This just isnt a marriage. I reckon you are the one who refuses sex and this is his reply.


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## dejectedwife (Mar 8, 2012)

accept said:


> This just isnt a marriage. I reckon you are the one who refuses sex and this is his reply.


I do not refuse sex. Every attempt I have to initiate sex is turned down - not now, I'm tired, I'm busy etc... But never in 2 years have I refused sex from him. He has refused me countless times to the point where I no longer ask.

luckycardinal - I do not think he is cheating. I know the bar he goes to and he is only there after work and is home in time for dinner. BUT I have found porn sites bookmarked on his phone.

And part of what makes this hard is as much as he tells me things I do not do right, I do the same thing to him! I know when I do it and a voice in my head says I shouldn't but sometimes it is hard not to do. There are periods of time where things are fine (except we still don't have sex) and I think to myself "Yeah, I can do this. We were just going through a rough patch" But then I hear other couples talk and I think "Gosh, he would never do that for me." I do stuff for him all the time, even when I shouldn't. 

I make attempts to fix things he doesn't like - for example my organization skills. SO I organize a cupboard or area and then HE is the one who messes it up! It's like he sabatoges any attempt I make at becoming a better person. When I make an attempt not to get riles up when we fight, he imagines that I do. The other night he was attempting this and I remained calm. Then he actually said to me that he pushed my buttons and I got all riled up over nothing, when in fact I was not upset about anything. I just feel like any attempt I make to work on myself is met with resistance. 

So, I guess I just keep on working on myself for my daughter and I and as you say, build up the courage to leave. I've guess I've known what I had to do, you are not the first people to tell me to leave, but it's just so hard. And I know I need to do it for my daughter more than anything.


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

Is it possible he is cheating with a coworker? I thought my husband wasnt cheating because "all he did was work.."


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If that is the case I am sorry for what I wrote before. There is something he doesnt like about you. You have to find out what it is and if you can do something about it.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

accept said:


> If that is the case I am sorry for what I wrote before. There is something he doesnt like about you. You have to find out what it is and if you can do something about it.


You know, even if there is something about her he doesn't like, I would not be so willing to just up and change it. So many people these days (men and women alike) have gotten SO selfish that it makes the idea of even getting married miserable. If I ever do divorce, I really doubt that I will re-marry because I just don't want to go through the BS. You take someone for life - you can't just up and decide you don't like them after you've had kids together. Her husband is acting like a spoiled, selfish baby and he needs to get over it. It's not her problem, it's his.


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