# Need man's opinion... husband won't write love note.



## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

For years I've asked my husband to write a letter or card telling me what he loves about me. And for years... no letter/card. He's never been the romantic type. We have a great sex life... but to tell me his feelings... nada. I ask this about twice a year. He's a businessman and writes as a hobby, so what's up? :scratchhead: Is this just a guy thing?

PS: I still get hit on, am not overweight. Saying this in case some of you bring it up. Although, it shouldn't matter.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Business man/technical writing is completely different than writing feelings.

How else does he demonstrate his love?

Writing is clearly not his gift. You'd probably be disappointed with what he comes up with!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Kaci said:


> For years I've asked my husband to write a letter or card telling me what he loves about me. And for years... no letter/card. *He's never been the romantic type.* We have a great sex life... but to tell me his feelings... nada. I ask this about twice a year. He's a businessman and writes as a hobby, so what's up? :scratchhead:* Is this just a guy thing?*
> 
> PS: I still get hit on, am not overweight. Saying this in case some of you bring it up. Although, it shouldn't matter.


Nope this is a guy you picked thing. If he does other things that showed his affection I would concentrate more on those


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

He's very left brained. Considers himself boring. He's written stories before, so I'm sure he could write a note. Gosh, a 5 year old could... how about "you're amazing, a wonderful mother, I'm a lucky guy"
... anything.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Kaci said:


> He's very left brained. Considers himself boring. He's written stories before, so I'm sure he could write a note. Gosh, a 5 year old could... how about "you're amazing, a wonderful mother, I'm a lucky guy"
> ... anything.


If I told my SO to write me a love letter, he'd freeze. Honestly, it is just not everyone's gift!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Definitely a tough thing for many of us. How about asking him to occasionally pick out a card that is suitably gushy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kaci said:


> For years I've asked my husband to write a letter or card telling me what he loves about me. And for years... no letter/card. He's never been the romantic type. We have a great sex life... but to tell me his feelings... nada. I ask this about twice a year. He's a businessman and writes as a hobby, so what's up? :scratchhead: Is this just a guy thing?
> 
> PS: I still get hit on, am not overweight. Saying this in case some of you bring it up. Although, it shouldn't matter.


*Writing and expressing his feelings in written form may not exactly be his forte. But there's absolutely no reason that he cannot go out and find you a card to match whatever his feelings are about you! That is so very sad. 

I have always had a gift of being able to express myself in writing, prose, and poetry. When I was married, I wrote what I feel were some masterpieces for my XW, which literally went totally unappreciated! One of the more meaningful ones, for her birthday, she threw in the round file, only to have me discover it later when taking the trash out. I found it, recovered it and placed it a safe place, never letting her know about my finding it! And after the D, I took it out and burned it!

Whats really perplexing is having this talent and not having a woman around to write it for!

But as far as writing is concerned, some people are blessed with that ability, while others don't have the first damn clue about it!*


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

He needs to adapt. As a business man he uses Microsoft Excel...

Seriously, why is the written part so important? Maybe he senses some, not quite insecurity, but something. Maybe he thinks he is too old for those?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The question is: are things good otherwise and this is the sole problem, or is this symptomatic of something larger that you feel? What is it about a love note that particularly fixates you? Is it that he's not romantic, generally? Does he not express feelings?


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> The question is: are things good otherwise and this is the sole problem, or is this symptomatic of something larger that you feel? What is it about a love note that particularly fixates you? Is it that he's not romantic, generally? Does he not express feelings?


He'll tell me I'm beautiful and loves my body but always the physical. I wanted to know why he loves me. I'm fixated 'cause he writes as a hobby mostly political. So, it began as a joke- "hey sweetie, write me a love letter, tell me how you feel about me". I wouldn't have asked occasionally if I didn't think he could do it. He writes great eulogies, too. Heck, guess that's the only time he'll write about me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kaci said:


> He'll tell me I'm beautiful and loves my body but always the physical. I wanted to know why he loves me. I'm fixated 'cause he writes as a hobby mostly political. So, it began as a joke- "hey sweetie, write me a love letter, tell me how you feel about me". I wouldn't have asked occasionally if I didn't think he could do it. He writes great eulogies, too. Heck, guess that's the only time he'll write about me.


*I write about political events, also ~ but I can really use my penmanship in letting my love interest know exactly how I really feel about her, with absolutely no equivocations!

With your H suggesting otherwise is really nothing more than a cop-out!If he sets his heart to it, Kaci, there is absolutely no excuse available to him that he can't do it!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I was always very good at articulating my emotions through writing, and always wrote poems and heart felt notes to my romantic partners. After I was married for a few years I lost that ability, it's not that I didn't still love my wife at that point but day to day living pushed the passion right out of me, and there were a few issues with my wife that made me feel fake if I tried to be all gushy with her. For me the ability to write was fueled by over powering passion and love, or at times by grief or loss. When my life is quiet and comfortable and my emotions are settled I just don't write.

Your husband may not be articulate enough to put his emotions to pen, writing fiction or business reports is very different. Maybe he has lost the passion that fuels those kinds of emotions, either because he is happily settled into his life and things are comfortable for him or worst case scenario he isn't happy and can't force himself to pretend.

OP honestly it seems a silly thing to worry about, if all the other aspects of your marriage are strong be happy with what you got, don't invent an issue over nothing. If you force and pressure someone to do something it kind of loses it's meaning.


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

[QUOTE OP honestly it seems a silly thing to worry about, if all the other aspects of your marriage are strong be happy with what you got, don't invent an issue over nothing. If you force and pressure someone to do something it kind of loses it's meaning.[/QUOTE]

You're right, I know. I wrote poetry and can only do it when I'm sad or wishing to be in love. I guess I wanted a man's opinion and I didn't think it was such a big thing to ask. But if you have to ask it isn't worth it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Some people would consider it cheesy to write notes like this to your spouse, and would not feel comfortable with it. I always had problems with finding right Valentine card, because most of them are simply cheesy.

I think that has something to do with your love languages ...


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Kaci said:


> For years I've asked my husband to write a letter or card telling me what he loves about me. And for years... no letter/card.


Maybe you could start the ball rolling then. By writing him a card telling him what you love about him.



Kaci said:


> I wanted to know why he loves me. He'll tell me I'm beautiful and loves my body but always the physical.


Maybe the physical *is* why he loves you (more accurately, why he perceives himself as loving you - he may not have self-awareness of what underlies his physical attraction to you). It doesn't sound though as if you would be happy to receive a card extolling the physical.

If you wouldn't, what do want to see in the card? Another way of starting the ball rolling would be to write yourself the card you'd like to receive. It might teach you something about yourself. Google on 'journaling' and its use as a self-awareness tool.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1995 book by Gary Chapman. 

~ Passio


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If it's just this one thing or a small set of things, let it go. 

I'd like a b.j. from my wife. Just once before I die. How hard could it be? A five year old could do it. But it will never happen. You just can't have everything - where would you put it? Stop getting stuck on this being the only way he can show that he truly loves you.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Idyit said:


> The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1995 book by Gary Chapman.
> 
> ~ Passio


You can also review a brief summary of these here.

I, too, wanted my husband to write me love cards and notes. He never really has, though he isn't a writer. He is a painter and artist. Even then, getting him to draw me something romantic happens maybe once a year. He doesn't do it because he doesn't love me, it's just not how he expresses his emotions to me.

Once I understood that I was a lot less upset if I didn't get a hand-drawn card for whatever occasion I demanded one previously.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Cletus said:


> If it's just this one thing or a small set of things, let it go.
> 
> I'd like a b.j. from my wife. Just once before I die. How hard could it be? A five year old could do it. But it will never happen. You just can't have everything - where would you put it? Stop getting stuck on this being the only way he can show that he truly loves you.


A five year old? Really?









Though I have a friend who suffers this with his soon to be wife and it sucks.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Asking someone to write out, in love note form, why they love you....well. That's pretty much akin to the ever dreadful "What are you thinking question?"

it sounds like he isn't one to express in words -that which he knows but is somehow intangible -indescribable. His love just is. 

Words are paper tigers, or if you will, paper shields. They give the illusion of power and protection while offering nearly no real tangible benefits. You have spent many years asking for these special words to describe that which he feels for you. So long that i would venture that no words written could live up to the expectation, hopes, longings placed upon them. 

Just know, understand, that over time his love for you has become a part of him. As important to his body as the intake of air -and as vital as the blood that moves through him, providing sustenance for the body -and the heart that pumps it. Vital. Words are just words -his actions -thoughtful, kind, mindful of your needs -show you every day -the value he has instilled in you -and the high place in all his thoughts that you reside. 

His deeds, every day, mundane deeds, that are performed without thought of thanks -demonstrate your value to him. Remember that when your thoughts stray to fantasy of hallmark phrases.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Be careful what you wish for. I was once in a relationship with someone who could charm the birds from the trees. I received millions of perfect words on paper. Exquisite. What were they truly worth? Nothing. No actions to back them up. Just a bunch of lovely words I ended up throwing away when I ended it because I wanted no reminders.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kaci said:


> He'll tell me I'm beautiful and loves my body but always the physical. I wanted to know why he loves me. I'm fixated 'cause he writes as a hobby mostly political. So, it began as a joke- "hey sweetie, write me a love letter, tell me how you feel about me". I wouldn't have asked occasionally if I didn't think he could do it. He writes great eulogies, too. Heck, guess that's the only time he'll write about me.


I'm honestly baffled here Kaci.

Sounds like he's a good guy, treats you well, compliments you, and has a good job.

And the one thing you're fixated on is getting a love note?

Write him one. Sounds like he deserves it.


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## Engneer (Jun 26, 2011)

Kaci said:


> Is this just a guy thing?


YES. 

There is a TV show called Everybody Loves Raymond. HE is a sportswriter but can't express his feelings.

It sounds like this is quite important to you, so maybe you will need to confront this. I'm sure if you are kind you will get what you desire.

Best to you!


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## Engneer (Jun 26, 2011)

Kaci said:


> PS: I still get hit on, am not overweight. Saying this in case some of you bring it up. Although, it shouldn't matter.


Dr. Phil has a saying. You are FAT. Don't sugarcoat it, you might eat that too.

You don't sound like you want a drunk or meth head. He doesn't want a fat wife. It IS important. Good for you.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> For years I've asked my husband to write a letter or card telling me what he loves about me. And for years... no letter/card. He's never been the romantic type. We have a great sex life... but to tell me his feelings... nada. I ask this about twice a year. He's a businessman and writes as a hobby, so what's up? Is this just a guy thing?



I'm female but I never get women that get bent out of shape about things like this.

Does he talk to you everyday? Does he listen to you? Does he work hard and earn a living? Does he meet your affection and sex needs?

Why would you want to force someone into writing you a love letter? Its a strange thing to pressure someone into doing.

Concentrate on what's important...this so isn't.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Kaci said:


> He'll tell me I'm beautiful and loves my body but always the physical. *I wanted to know why he loves me.* I'm fixated 'cause he writes as a hobby mostly political. So, it began as a joke- "hey sweetie, write me a love letter, tell me how you feel about me". I wouldn't have asked occasionally if I didn't think he could do it. He writes great eulogies, too. Heck, guess that's the only time he'll write about me.


Is this what it's really about? You don't know why he loves you or what he loves about you other than the physical?


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Asking someone to write out, in love note form, why they love you....well. That's pretty much akin to the ever dreadful "What are you thinking question?"
> 
> it sounds like he isn't one to express in words -that which he knows but is somehow intangible -indescribable. His love just is.
> 
> ...



Wow, MarriedDude, this is great. I don't need anything from him, now. I'll copy this and read it over and over and hope it is true.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Kaci said:


> Wow, MarriedDude, this is great. I don't need anything from him, now. I'll copy this and read it over and over and hope it is true.


Thats nice to hear. I understand, I really do. While I can write for hours with everything flowing out onto the pages like rain..My wife cannot do the same for me. 

I can write her a note that makes her cry and drive 2 hours to kiss me. That is something I can do. Not so big a deal for me. HUGE for her. 

My sons have told me about being dragged around hallmark stores for HOURS by her, wanting to find the just right thing. Crying that she couldn't find it. Talk about heart breaking...for her and for me. For me because she thought she had to, that I had made her think that was needed. For her because she convinced herself that she had failed me somehow....when she never has. 

She tries so hard, she gets nervous, her words get jumbled up. But the worst was that she thought, for a while, that she had to be able to love me just like I love her, so that I would know how much so does. I never told her that was what I wanted, but she believed it anyway. 

Now she knows -it was never her words (other than "I will" and "I do") that mattered. It was the way she looks at me- with eyes that understand, that know who I am and loves me anyway. Her touch that still 25 years later gives me butterflies and makes my heart race. Her kindness and thoughtfulness that made me believe in people like I could before. 

So like I said, I understand where you are coming from. Do all you can to understand where your man is coming from. He is fully aware of what you want from him...and possibly terrified that he cannot give it to you. Love and marriage is about sharing all that you are and have with another. Know that he cannot share what he doesn't have in him...but he gives you everything he has. In my book- the steady actions are worth more than any words could ever be. 

Go hug your husband- if for no other reason than he is there and loves you.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

This is only my interpretation... My thought is that when you asked him to write the words that you were so longing to hear, is that he might have become frozen with the fear of disappointing you, so he put it off. Again, I'm only inferring here...


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## Keen2learn (Mar 29, 2015)

I, too, have always enjoyed communicating via the written word. I would write letters, notes or emails, just reminding my partner of the things I like about her and thanking her for all the little things she does. I got a kick out of complimenting her and making sure she didn't feel taken for granted.
About a year ago, however, I discovered that she had cheated with a previous partner, once, very early in our relationship (2 years prior)
We decided to try to sort it out, although it badly knocked my self esteem and trust around and is still a work in progress.
Although I still love her I find the desire to bare my soul in meaningful letters has completely left me. I guess you leave yourself vulnerable when you open up to someone.
This doesn't really answer your question but I felt compelled to give you a different perspective


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Kaci

What would you like to see on the notes, please.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

Someone asking me outright to write a love note would be uncomfortable. I could do it easily enough. But i wouldn't do it spontaneously. 

Why is this an issue? Why are you focused on this written note? Do you have reasons to doubt his love? If he says he love you isn't it enough? Do you need written evidence?


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Why is it so important for you to have love letters? If one partner expects that from the other, it puts a lot of pressure on that person and he/she feels obligation to write. The most important things are showing and verbalizing their love - not what is on paper. 

If written word is important to you, perhaps you could start a journal on things he does and says and how they make you feel?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

As a woman, I think I m fine with not writing feelings if all else is good. He's left brained you said. Even my two sons are different, one tells me he loves me all the time n hugs n kisses , the other tells me mum u r doing fine u know the answer why ask N he's only 8.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My husband has given a card to me for our anniversary, my birthday and Mother's Day every year since we have been married. I have 2 huge boxes of his cards - I've kept all of them. Some of them say simply, "Love, XX" while other sometimes have a "Love you Very Much!!" Those cards mean the world to me because he took the time to buy them for me. I have wished he would write more sometimes (and a couple times he has written a few words), but I am happy with what I get.


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