# Accused of staring at other women



## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Hello people, I am new here. I've come here to discuss a problem in my relationship as I need an unbiased opinion. I am really in love with this girl we've been dating for over a year now. We really love each other and spend a lot of time together and make plans for the future. I've done my wrongs as well earlier in the relationship I didn't want to open up about my past and I ended up covering up with lies that eventually caught up to me and in order to save my relationship I told her all the truth. I knew I had lost some of her trust towards me as she said but I knew and I felt I could win it back and I swore to do just that cause I really believe we have a future together as the love is strong and no matter what happens we never give up. So we went on holiday earlier this month and out of the blue she accused me that I was staring at other women. However, she only did so when we were out at night, not at the beach or whatever. 
Believe me when I say this only out of respect to her I wouldn't do that. I love and respect her very much. I thought it was a holiday thing but it appears we brought it back home. It happens only on night outs. We had a really big fight last night about it and she said that she feels she is not enough for me. She is more than enough and I really couldn't do what she accuses me of doing. It was really hard but I think I somehow convinced her that 1) If I was doing that I would do it all the time not only on night outs and 2) That it must be something else I do without realizing it and she thinks I'm staring where I could be looking at my surroundings or whatever.
The thing is that I don't know how to go from here. She says she doesn't want to go on a night out with me for sometime. 
I told her we could try counselling and tell both our stories at a professional so they can direct us to a solution but she doesn't want to. 
I believe that I have caused some trust issues that may be the route of this but she won't believe me when I tell her it's only in her mind.

Sorry for the long post.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Maybe she is trying to cause problems. 

Is she wanting to go out with friends with out you?


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Nope not anymore than normal really. She wouldn't try to cause problems in order to end the relationship as we booked some holidays for october so that makes no sense


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Obviously she is very insecure.

Was she dumped or cheated on before by former boyfriends?

Your' going out together may be triggering [bad memories?].

How about her childhood. Was she abandoned? Was she a neglected child?
................................................................................................................

@EleGirl will like these questions. She is still asleep. 

Asleep in the desert. Wandering in the desert for nigh on 40 years.


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Thanks for your replies. Nothing out of the ordinary really, we are both from divorced parents. And it doesn't make sense to really show this now after a year. Does it?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

it wouldn't be the first time someone has gone on holiday in a troubled relationship.


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Yeah but if she wanted to end it she wouldn't book a holiday. I mean why do that unless you want things to get better?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It could be friends of hers telling her that you are no good for her. 

Or

A guy friend trying to push you out of the way by causing problems. 

Best thing is not to jump to conclusions and just talk. Try to get her to open up about this.


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

She is not like that. I am trying to get her to talk but mostly all she says is "this is gonna go away when you stop staring" and well if I say that I'm not she says that she's not crazy so that's where I'm stuck


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are you staring without realising it? Perhaps? Either that or she is incredibly insecure. Not a good sign tbh.


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Well If get to question my sanity.. I mean I always look at my surroundings but no I don't feel like staring at anyone in particular especially other women. I'm aware though that I might do something that looks like I'm staring. Otherwise I must be going crazy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Instead of observing your behavior and stewing, she needs to ask you what has captured your attention. It may be that you're not looking at anything as you're inside your head taking a little break.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Agree that she's insecure. 
Only she can work on her insecurities. You really can't help with that and if you tried, I bet she'd get defensive and more insecure. 

Men look. That's just natural and normal. Don't let her tell you it's not. Women look, too. At men, at other women. It's human to look and compare. The thought police don't exist. 

A relationship with one very insecure person doesn't work too well. You'll always be jumping through hoops to prove you didn't look and she could get mad at you for things not based in fact. Easier to just go find a more confident woman who has no hangups. May seem cold, but it's my truth.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

andreasavg said:


> I've done my wrongs as well earlier in the relationship I didn't want to open up about my past and I ended up covering up with lies that eventually caught up to me and in order to save my relationship I told her all the truth. I knew I had lost some of her trust towards me as she said but I knew and I felt I could win it back and I swore to do just that cause I really believe we have a future together as the love is strong and no matter what happens we never give up.


It's pretty clear your girlfriend feels insecure. Might it have something to do with whatever you were lying about, that you acknowledge was damaging to the trust in your relationship? Did this apparent insecurity exist before or after your lies "caught up to" you?


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Rowan said:


> It's pretty clear your girlfriend feels insecure. Might it have something to do with whatever you were lying about, that you acknowledge was damaging to the trust in your relationship? Did this apparent insecurity exist before or after your lies "caught up to" you?


No we've been together for a year now and this behavior is new and it came up 1-2 months after I told her all the truth.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

andreasavg said:


> No we've been together for a year now and this behavior is new and it came up 1-2 months after I told her all the truth.


Well, then I suppose the lying did, in fact, damage trust. Which is really not all that surprising. I'm not sure that the fault here is entirely your girlfriend's. You did lie to her, after all. She's insecure and untrusting because you obviously have a verified record of being untrustworthy.

I'm not sure this is salvageable. If it is, it will take time and patience, and a great deal of trust-rebuilding on your part. If she doesn't think she can move past it, or there's no progress on that front after many months of you being 100% trustworthy, then it may make more sense for you two to end the relationship. 

And don't lie to your next prospective girlfriend. As you're seeing, lying tends to bite you in the ass eventually.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My husband does this sometimes. I can see his eyes move up and down too, the full check out.

The first few times we discussed it he denied it, genuinely, like you. He had never been married, and had very few long term relationships. He was in the habit of doing this, I got it....I had been married for over 20 years, and my XH would never do this out of respect.

Since discussing it afterward got us no where, I stared pointing it out right when he did it. "Checking out the goods again I see...Like that spandex huh?" Etc. 

That worked. Ask her to point it out when it happens. That will answer if you are doing it unconsciously or if you are really just staring off at something else. Easy peasy, no big whoop.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Shortly after we were married, my wife & I had a major fight. (We had only been married a few months & still had money).

We were driving down a street when I saw this great little tri-hull fishing boat, with a canvas sun cover. 50 HP Johnson with a shore lander trailer. No price on the for sale sign, just a phone number.

I didn't say anything, just tried to remember the phone number. A few blocks later my new bride busts out crying and screams at me "I can't believe you did that with me in the car!" I asked her what she was talking about. She said "You were looking at the woman in short-shorts walking her dog." I said "No, I was looking at boat back there". I described everything about boat, including HP and phone number, (i can't remember phone #'s at all). She kept yelling so I turned around & drove back to boat & almost touched the trailer with car bumper. I said "There's the boat, I don't see no woman & dog".

This fight led into the one where I found out she had been in a abusive relationship in HS & her xposbf used to compare her to other girls all the time. Although she didn't tell me then that she had been raped. That was another 1.5 years later.

Depending on where you live, you may simply be scanning for threats. I've been in a few neighborhoods where it is wise to keep your eyes moving.

I'd bet you a dinner she has something in past you don't know about.

Being with you awhile has started to trigger memories of what happened the last time she was in a long term relationship. 

If she has something in past, have her read this - https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

andreasavg said:


> Hello people, I am new here. I've come here to discuss a problem in my relationship as I need an unbiased opinion. I am really in love with this girl we've been dating for over a year now. We really love each other and spend a lot of time together and make plans for the future. I've done my wrongs as well earlier in the relationship I didn't want to open up about my past and I ended up covering up with lies that eventually caught up to me and in order to save my relationship I told her all the truth. I knew I had lost some of her trust towards me as she said but I knew and I felt I could win it back and I swore to do just that cause I really believe we have a future together as the love is strong and no matter what happens we never give up. So we went on holiday earlier this month and out of the blue she accused me that I was staring at other women. However, she only did so when we were out at night, not at the beach or whatever.
> Believe me when I say this only out of respect to her I wouldn't do that. I love and respect her very much. I thought it was a holiday thing but it appears we brought it back home. It happens only on night outs. We had a really big fight last night about it and she said that she feels she is not enough for me. She is more than enough and I really couldn't do what she accuses me of doing. It was really hard but I think I somehow convinced her that 1) If I was doing that I would do it all the time not only on night outs and 2) That it must be something else I do without realizing it and she thinks I'm staring where I could be looking at my surroundings or whatever.
> The thing is that I don't know how to go from here. She says she doesn't want to go on a night out with me for sometime.
> I told her we could try counselling and tell both our stories at a professional so they can direct us to a solution but she doesn't want to.
> ...


Convince her to go out again and keep your nose in her cleavage the whole night!

Stare at her butt and between her thighs a lot as well!😁

Maybe not helpful but why not?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You married a very insecure woman. That is going to be a problem in your marriage. She will probably be told that she has nothing to be insecure about and you will be told not to do anything that makes her feel insecure. You can pay me now or spend hundreds on a professional.  Jealousy is not a quality I ever liked in a woman. Neither did I date women who thought it was disrespectful to take a furtive glance at other woman. Men are designed that way for better or worse. If I was going to cheat on them I would not be so obvious. I would be sneaky. 

I am married for 45 years and yet to leave my wife or love her less because I looked at good looking women from time to time. I did not let my tongue hang out but I did give them a glance sometimes. My wife is very secure and does not get jealous she knows what she brings to the table and trusts me. You are going to have issues with your wife as jealous women are very difficult to live with. Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Instead of observing your behavior and stewing, she needs to ask you what has captured your attention. It may be that you're not looking at anything as you're inside your head taking a little break.


Your best post to date. IMO

Very insightful. I do this all the time. :surprise::surprise:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You can't really ''win'' trust, trust is earned. I think that it may take time for her to fully trust you again, but at the same time, she shouldn't be looking for you to mess up around every corner. But, everyone looks, it's natural. And you might be looking around as you say, and not focusing really on women. She has to learn how to trust you again, and hopefully she will over time.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

OR, if ya want to tweak her attitude, go rent the original movie "Lethal Weapon". There is a scene in there where Mel Gibson walks away from the camera buck naked.

I knew the scene was coming up & I looked at my wife out of corner of eye to see what she would do when scene came up.

She watched the whole scene, I looked at her and said "I can't believe you just stared at Mel's ass while I'm sitting next to you".

She got 18 shades of dark red & started sputtering. I laughed & went into kitchen to make popcorn. I wanted her to see I could find areas to get offended about if I wanted to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> OR, if ya want to tweak her attitude, go rent the original movie "Lethal Weapon". There is a scene in there where Mel Gibson walks away from the camera buck naked.
> 
> I knew the scene was coming up & I looked at my wife out of corner of eye to see what she would do when scene came up.
> 
> ...



Well, just dayum. I've seen that movie several times and never noticed that. I must be dead.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, just dayum. I've seen that movie several times and never noticed that. I must be dead.


You're going to watch the movie tonight, aren't you? :wink2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> You're going to watch the movie tonight, aren't you? :wink2:


He-he. Remember when Braveheart came out and people were abuzz about no undies under the kilts? Yep, I had missed that, too. Watched it again because, you know, I didn't want to be the only one out of the loop. Still didn't see anything. Maybe, I'm just blind to men's privates if they're not front and center with an arrow pointing to them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This may be connected to whatever it was that you hid from her.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

October is 2 months away. If she still won't go on nights out with you at that point don't go on vacation. Separate instead. I see this whole thing as a giant power play. Why would she be complaining about you on evenings out when she is perfectly comfortable at the beach. I live in Dairy country and I'm starting to smell a familiar scent here.


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## andreasavg (Aug 28, 2017)

Thank you everyone for your replies. We've been talking about this I've kinda made her open up to me. I can see it has to do with my stupid lying (I lied to her about my past which I really wasn't ready to discuss and everytime she asked about it I simply lied) creating trust issues but I'm sure I didn't change anything in my behavior so she just became more suspicious. Maybe I'm doing something unconsciously that she wouldn't pay much attention before the trust issues. We were having dinner on a restaurant the other night and a couple (old rich guy & young gold digger) get in and i just looked because I see someone walking in and they sat next to us and she said "okay you didn't stare now". So maybe i'm getting somewhere. We're scheduled to go away next weekend she says she doesn't want another ruined night out but says she wants to go out have a drink and we'll see how it goes from there. I'm seeing some kind of progress i guess? I know she loves me very much and we agreed whatever this is it's getting fixed so we seem to communicate better than when this started.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife will often accuse me of being angry with her. One time all I was really doing was thinking about what takeaway meal we could have.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> My wife will often accuse me of being angry with her. One time all I was really doing was thinking about what takeaway meal we could have.


It must be those British eyebrows. They start at the nose and head upward, forming a "Vee", making the owner look intensely angry.

Huh? What?


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Chances are you are checking out others. It's normal. My husband is not subtle about it at all and I tease the hell out of him about it (why be offended?).

So what was normal (because it's unlikely you would have started doing it suddenly) is now an issue because you lied to her. If you can lie about one thing, you can lie about anything. If you can lie, you can cheat.

She is insecure in the relationship now. 

Sounds like you are communicating better and you are trying to gain her trust back. It will take time. It may take another year.

Good luck 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When my wife realised I am looking at other women she pokes fun at me.

Sometimes she seescthem before I do and will say sonething like "Bloody he'll! You'll like her! Shecwas a massive rear axle!"

Other times she will say: "Just look at the state if her! With a bottom of her size, she is proof that the invention of dresses was a good idea. She should not be wearing tight trousers!"

I nod and say "yes dear" but I am thinking that I can see nothing wrong with her choice in clothing.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Your wife sounds very insecure...and possibly that she's not good enough for you.

Although not true at all, it sounds like you do everything you can to show her that you truly love her.

She needs to get over it. How, I don't know, but maybe she needs some sort of counseling to make her feel less insecure.

A husband can only do so much..and I'd hate for the two of you to not go places for fear that she's going to become jealous of someone in the crowd; a waitress, etc.


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