# Problem with SD & verbally abusive husband. Help please!



## chantiq72 (Apr 1, 2011)

Hi all,

I will try to give you a brief summary about myself. I’m 39, no kid. 
1st married : 10 years, together for 13 years. Met him in College. We have 1 or 2 problems, like controlling MIL but nothing really matter. We clicked in everything. Reason for divorce : He cheated on me one time. Although he was sorry, and I tried to take him back, but I just lost my love to him. We lost contact after the divorce, and I didn’t regret having a divorce. 

2nd married : 3 years and still going, together for 4 years. Met him online. He seems a nice person, kind of quiet, and humble when we met the first time. He has a 13 y/o daughter who live with us every wkend. I know all the horror stories about marrying someone with a baggage. I prepare myself for that. But you never know how heavy the baggage is until you carry it yourself, isn’t it? 

Yes, I have some problems with my SD. The main problem is, my husband feel guilty about not being there for his daughter when she was a baby, so he spoil her, and she become a lazy spoilt brat. My husband and his ex didn’t get along. They were separated many times before the final separation. During the 1-2 years of our marriage, my SD gave me a big headache. This didn’t happen before we got married. I believe, she got an influence from her mother who piss of because my husband marry me just after 10 months together while They were together for 6 years, have a daughter & didn’t get married, although they were engaged. And at the time we were married, she wasn’t even engaged (but she has a bf though). Why did I suspect that? On our wedding night, She asked my SD to ask my husband for a picture of my SD when she was a flower girl for her cousin wedding, and also demand my husband return all my SD’s baby pictures & a wedding video of her cousin wedding. They’ve been separated for 4 years. My husband doesn’t even have any idea where that video is. Anyway, all passed now. The ex got married a year ago after got pregnant from her bf. My SD is a bit better now (not the lazy part though), but I still feel on edge every wkend when she live with us.

That’s not my only problem. My husband is verbally abusive, and I think he hate women. He doesn’t speak with his mother, and generally hate woman. He will flick the TV channel when there’s a woman politician or an actress, or scientist woman or some random woman being interviewed. He addicted to computer game, spend wkend playing game from 9 am – 6 pm, and when he lost in the game, he will become verbally violence. He never hit me, just “f” word in every sentence and I can’t stand all the yelling and intimidating and make me feel like I’m the most stupid person in the world, and everything that went wrong in the world is my (or women) fault. I also notice his sex drive is decreasing. Mostly because he was stress from the game. We both working and have a steady job. We both love our job, and I don’t think we’re ever overly stress from the job. 

To sum up, I just lost my love and respect toward him, and thinking to leave him. I feel miserable, heartbroken and not happy. I don’t feel connected to him at all. We both have separate account. I never ask him for money, and neither he does. We live in his house, but we both chip in for utilities, groceries, etc. As far as house chore, we both have our own responsibility like I do laundry, he clean the toilet, etc. I feel like we just a roommate who have sex once in a while. We hardly spend time together or having conversation except something general like “what do you want for dinner?”

But, then, I’m worried about being single again if I leave him. I could be single for some time, but to be honest, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. How am I gonna meet another man? Thinking about dating again, get to know someone again, it just not something I’m looking forward to in my 40s. And if I meet someone, I’m terrified that I will make the same mistake again. My 2nd husband is worse than my 1st husband, clearly showing that I’m not capable to spot a good man. I’m kicking myself for put me through this. Or should I just stay married even though I’m not happy ? There is no guarantee that my 3rd married will be a charm. Reading all the post in TAM make me realize that all marriage come with a problem. Can someone please give me an input? How I can get over my fear about another relationship? or how I deal with that kind husband if I stay married?

PS: In the past, I did try talk to him about this problem and asking if we can try MC, but he didn’t paying much attention to what I said (well, he never does), because he was so drown in his game.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Well you need to go to MC, even if you have to go alone at first. Then you can tell him that he either goes or you have to separate.

Also tell him that he has to stop the swearing and put downs or you are going to walk out. What do you say to him when he screams and swears?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2 year old zombie thread... Be interesting to see if on of the original two posters replies...

C


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