# Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :(



## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

*Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife *

I was always good to my wife; always made her laugh, bought her gifts, did sweet things for her to suprise her, helped her around the house, was playful/loving/affectionate with her, date nights, etc.

However, I'm starting to feel like I pushed her away in the end. I was doing a lot of great things in our marriage but I guess I feel like I was not focusing on the love language that she needed the most; which is "words of affirmation". I failed miserably in not telling her "I lover her" and "complementing her" more often as a husband. 

My family has never been real big on verbal affection; especially the men in the family, but we still loved each other regardless and would do anything for one another. I guess I would classify my family as being an "acts of service" type of love language. 

So I always struggled providing her with more "words of affirmation", even though I loved her sooo much, but in my close minded way I thought all the other great things I would do for her would make her know and feel how much I loved her but now I see that I was ignorant.

We have had this talk/argument so many times over the years, I can't blame her for not building resentment towards me over time. I don't excuse the fact that she cheated on me in the end, but I do feel some responsibility for pushing her away. 

I fee like such an idiot, I don't know why I couldn't do it for her and meet her love language. At the time, it felt like the more we talked about this the more we both started getting defensive and then it ended up in both of us not trying anymore; she would deny me intimacy and I would pull away being affectionate. 

I would get defensive because I would feel like all the other great things that I was doing for her in our relationship didn't matter, and it felt like there was no compromise and I could never measure up. I couldn't understand why she couldn't see a compromise by saying, "everything else about my marriage is really good, I wish he would do more "words of affirmation" but it's not a deal breaker because I'm happy with us". 

Then I would have thoughts like, is my marriage really at this point, just because I didn't tell her "I loved her" or "compliment her" enough? What about all the other great aspects of our relationship? 

She would always say I'm not asking for a lot, and now I'm feeling like I could have handled this differently and could have possibly saved my marriage. I don't know why I couldn't do this for her and it makes me sad that it has got to this point for me to really understand her needs. 

She has given me so many opportunities to start being the "words of affirmation" husband she needed and I failed so miserably...I feel like an idiot. 

I wish there was still a chance for us, all I want to do is reach out to her and say give us one more shot, but at the same time I'm scared of failing her again and it's also too late because she's still been in contact with the other guy.

I know that there are a lot of women out there where "words of affirmation" won't be their primary love language and would make the relationship flow a lot easier. It's just so hard, because I truly loved my wife and hate myself for pushing her away and in the end not really making her happy. 

Sorry for the rant; our anniversary just past the other day and has made me think about this more.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



dennisg1 said:


> I was always good to my wife; always made her laugh, bought her gifts, did sweet things for her to suprise her, helped her around the house, was playful/loving/affectionate with her, date nights, etc.
> 
> However, I'm starting to feel like I pushed her away in the end. I was doing a lot of great things in our marriage but I guess I feel like I was not focusing on the love language that she needed the most; which is "words of affirmation". I failed miserably in not telling her "I lover her" and "complementing her" more often as a husband.
> 
> ...


Why do you think she had this need to be adorned with constant compliments and admiration?

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



GatorXP said:


> Why do you think she had this need to be adorned with constant compliments and admiration?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I'm not sure; I guess because she just craved this type of affection and I did a lousy job of giving it to her.

She would always apologize and say that she was sorry she was so needy and she didn't know why our relationship wasn't enough for her, but now the more I think about it I don't know why I just couldn't have done it more for her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

that love language book works both ways, you might have gone out of your way for her, you may have fell short on word of affirmation but what about her, where did she fail in this relationship....yeah you learn something that you will take away and move on, hopefully for someone who appreciates you more...but what did she learn ? i suspect that she will not find someone who did what you did and it will only be then that she will have the time to reflect upon it.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

Often the best thing we can do, is learn from our experiences. We, as humans, have the incredible ability to adapt and improve our lives for the better, if we so choose.

Don't pine over the past, but learn from it! Appreciate that your eyes are now open and you can see what you could have done better, but don't beat yourself up for failing. Everybody fails. It's what we do with those failures that makes us great! 

Perhaps there will be another chance with this one, perhaps there won't. But pining over the failures of the past won't help you. You have to learn and grow. That type of improvement will resonate not only with your ex, but with your potential future mates.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



GatorXP said:


> Why do you think she had this need to be adorned with constant compliments and admiration?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


Why does anyone need the things they need?

The mistake many people make is analyzing and trying to figure out the why, especially when it is something they themselves don't need. It is human nature to not do something if they don't understand why they are doing it, but as often the case when it comes to these things, there really isn't a why that goes beyond...just because I do. Recognizing that the simple "just because" answer is more than enough reason to put in the effort to provide what ever it is that they need.

I have struggled with this with my wife in that she struggles in providing verbal affirmation of her physical attraction to me, yet can verbally express her physical attraction to other men. To me, this is something that seems so simple to do, yet she struggles. We have talked about it numerous times, with no real change. I am left with no other explanation than she has decided for me, that I do not need what I tell her point blank that I need, and that she does not find me physically attractive.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

That's tough brother, I was in a similar situation - my wife's 'love language' was the same as your's (and we read that book about it together), but I could never do it right. I would tell her she was beautiful, and during arguments she would tell me that I needed to make her feel like 'she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me', and that would sound so strange to my ears, because wasn't I doing that already? If I said that to her after she's yelled at me about it, wouldn't it sound rather false? 

But I would make her meals, make tea for her, do those little things that make life easier. That didn't help, apparently. 

I don't think there's much you can do about it now I'm afraid, it sounds like it wasn't meant to be. With hindsight, you probably see how you could have done 'better', but at the time, you might have thought different. I think that maybe she will come to regret losing you more, although that is just a feeling. I hope you find some peace.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

What you are doing is natural, it is called second guessing or playing the "what if" game. I went thru it myself. However, one thing you must understand is that no matter how much you play the game, it will never change what has already happened. As Mr Nightly stated, all you can do is learn from the experience and vow to do better next time. Another reality is, is that at the time you were doing the best that you knew how to do at that time. And at the time, she may have been doing things that made you less likely to do the things you now lament. 
So now you know different, again learn from it and become a better person. Personal reflection can be a good thing. But keep it in perspective and don't allow it to hinder becoming the best you can be.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

Learn from your past & move on. Cheating is her answer when times are rough.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

Thanks for all the replies! It's nice to talk to people who have gone through similar issues in the past and it's nice to hear all the supportive replies as I go through this crappy stage of my life. 

I also started to go to IC, just to be able to talk things out; which has also been helpful.



Lostinthought61 said:


> that love language book works both ways, you might have gone out of your way for her, you may have fell short on word of affirmation but what about her, where did she fail in this relationship....yeah you learn something that you will take away and move on, hopefully for someone who appreciates you more...but what did she learn ? i suspect that she will not find someone who did what you did and it will only be then that she will have the time to reflect upon it.


I feel one of my issues is that I'm too easy going, as long as things were good in our relationship I was happy. If I had to pick a love language that I thought I would fall under I guess it would be "Quality Time/Acts of Service", but they wouldn't be deal breakers for me if she wasn't meeting them all the time because I feel there is a lot more to a successful relationship than just love languages.

I always had a more logical sense of what a relationship should be; meaning having a partner that I could always count on, good personality, thoughtful, kindhearted, good sense of humor, easy-going, empathetic, caring/loving, financially stable, etc. 

I feel like the reality of life can be very challenging and it's not something that love can always be the answer to; so that's why it was hard for me to understand why she was investing so much in "words of affirmation" for it to get to the point of a marriage deal breaker point for her.

It's not like we were in a abusive relationship, neither of us had any drug/drinking habits, we had good jobs, we were both faithful to each other (the earlier years), etc.; so I don't know why she couldn't have been happy with all we had.



samyeagar said:


> Why does anyone need the things they need?
> 
> The mistake many people make is analyzing and trying to figure out the why, especially when it is something they themselves don't need. It is human nature to not do something if they don't understand why they are doing it, but as often the case when it comes to these things, there really isn't a why that goes beyond...just because I do. Recognizing that the simple "just because" answer is more than enough reason to put in the effort to provide what ever it is that they need.
> 
> I have struggled with this with my wife in that she struggles in providing verbal affirmation of her physical attraction to me, yet can verbally express her physical attraction to other men. To me, this is something that seems so simple to do, yet she struggles. We have talked about it numerous times, with no real change. I am left with no other explanation than she has decided for me, that I do not need what I tell her point blank that I need, and that she does not find me physically attractive.


Yes, that's a good way to look at it; I should have just taken the "just because" approach instead of building resentment towards her because I just didn't understand where she was coming from, especially due to all the other things we had that made our relationship great. 



vauxhall101 said:


> That's tough brother, I was in a similar situation - my wife's 'love language' was the same as your's (and we read that book about it together), but I could never do it right. I would tell her she was beautiful, and during arguments she would tell me that I needed to make her feel like 'she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me', and that would sound so strange to my ears, because wasn't I doing that already? If I said that to her after she's yelled at me about it, wouldn't it sound rather false?
> 
> But I would make her meals, make tea for her, do those little things that make life easier. That didn't help, apparently.
> 
> I don't think there's much you can do about it now I'm afraid, it sounds like it wasn't meant to be. With hindsight, you probably see how you could have done 'better', but at the time, you might have thought different. I think that maybe she will come to regret losing you more, although that is just a feeling. I hope you find some peace.


But in your situation, I guess this isn't a deal breaker for your wife because she values other aspects of your marriage?

Yeah, I would get into those situations too; where I would start initiating saying "I love you" but then she would say I hate that I have to tell you to do this instead of just wanting to do it, so it almost felt that even when I was trying I would still end up losing.



Ynot said:


> What you are doing is natural, it is called second guessing or playing the "what if" game. I went thru it myself. However, one thing you must understand is that no matter how much you play the game, it will never change what has already happened. As Mr Nightly stated, all you can do is learn from the experience and vow to do better next time. Another reality is, is that at the time you were doing the best that you knew how to do at that time. And at the time, she may have been doing things that made you less likely to do the things you now lament.
> So now you know different, again learn from it and become a better person. Personal reflection can be a good thing. But keep it in perspective and don't allow it to hinder becoming the best you can be.


Yes, you are right; I'm sure when I was in it and having these discussions with her, these discussions were having a negative effect on me because I thought I was a pretty good husband. It's only now, when I try to think back at the things she was saying to me does it make me feel like a "failure" because when I think about it; I'm like what she was asking for shouldn't have been this difficult for me.

However, like you said maybe there were other things going through my mind that made it harder for me to do. Maybe it was thinking if she needs "words of affirmation" so much and the reality of life gets in the way and I slip on "words of affirmation" ; will she end up cheating on me anyway down the road.



Roselyn said:


> Learn from your past & move on. Cheating is her answer when times are rough.


Great point! And I wouldn't think not giving more of "words of affirmation" as rough times in a relationship but I guess for her it was...it just makes me sad that this all collapsed under something so ridiculous.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it was an excuse. If not, and you really were as great a husband as your portray, then it sounds like she might be broken, not emotionally healthy.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



samyeagar said:


> Why does anyone need the things they need?
> 
> *The mistake many people make is analyzing and trying to figure out the why, especially when it is something they themselves don't need. It is human nature to not do something if they don't understand why they are doing it, but as often the case when it comes to these things, there really isn't a why that goes beyond...just because I do. Recognizing that the simple "just because" answer is more than enough reason to put in the effort to provide what ever it is that they need.*
> 
> I have struggled with this with my wife in that she struggles in providing verbal affirmation of her physical attraction to me, yet can verbally express her physical attraction to other men. To me, this is something that seems so simple to do, yet she struggles. We have talked about it numerous times, with no real change. I am left with no other explanation than she has decided for me, that I do not need what I tell her point blank that I need, and that she does not find me physically attractive.


True, true. 

It actually takes effort to stop, acknowledge and then act on what it is our partner needs/wants. It shows great love to take on board your partners needs even if they are difficult to understand or empathise with.

MrH has a great need for forgiveness, I could not care less about being forgiven. The flip side is he has a harder time acknowledging his mistakes but cannot have closure without forgiveness whereas I stand up and own it but do not need forgiveness.

It actually requires effort on my part to verbally express forgiveness to him. It is sort of hard for me to do because it just seems so unnecessary to me but over the years I have learnt that it is really important for our relationship.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

dennis, i hear what your saying, and i know your speaking form the heart.....sometimes we never know what we really want, sometimes we just get tired, we don't think straight and all we know is what we have we question "is this it, is this all, is there something better?" she is leaving to look for answers and so should you, the irony is that often time the initial seeker is the one who realizes too late that it was nice, it was good, and now gone and the second seeker discover something wonderful in someone else where their gifts rejected by the other is praised and honor by the new.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



dennisg1 said:


> She would always apologize and say that she was sorry she was so needy and she didn't know why our relationship wasn't enough for her, but now the more I think about it I don't know why I just couldn't have done it more for her.


That's on her, it's not one bit your fault. Our happiness and self-esteem is our own responsibility. It's not the responsibility of our spouses. 

She is a grown ass woman who knew who you were when she gave you a vow. That vow didn't say you had to keep patting her on the head and pumping up her self-esteem or she would hook up with other guys. If she felt like something was missing it was up to her fix it, not go looking for some other guy to fix it for her. That is only a band-aid and will never work in the long term. 

You're just feeling sorry for something you put an effort into and it failed. That's normal. In time you'll see it wasn't anything you did or didn't do.

Best

BTW, what activities have you been filling your life with to move forward?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



dennisg1 said:


> I was always good to my wife; always made her laugh, bought her gifts, did sweet things for her to suprise her, helped her around the house, was playful/loving/affectionate with her, date nights, etc.
> 
> However, I'm starting to feel like I pushed her away in the end. I was doing a lot of great things in our marriage but I guess I feel like I was not focusing on the love language that she needed the most; which is "words of affirmation". I failed miserably in not telling her "I lover her" and "complementing her" more often as a husband.
> 
> ...


This is sad.  You had issues yes, maybe next time you can find someone whose love language works like yours, however...


I know I am going to get killed for this but I am of the opinion that people who have "words of affirmation" as their primary love language better have very strong boundaries. Personally I would be very worried to have a relationship with someone whose PRIMARY, I say Primary, love language is that. Everyone likes WOA that to some extent. WOA are pretty much the easiest of all love languages to do. People who need WOA and have poor boundaries are prime candidates to cheat. Think of it any player can lie and say whatever to get them to feel love. That is dangerous. WOA and poor boundaries are like the perfect storm when it comes to cheating, especially in women, as it is a players primary fishing bate. 

Did she cheat OP?


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



Livvie said:


> I think it was an excuse. If not, and you really were as great a husband as your portray, then it sounds like she might be broken, not emotionally healthy.


Agree 100%. If OP was doing everything he said he was and his only "failure" was not saying I love you enough, his wife was going to cheat eventually no matter what he did. IMO, his wife would have cheated just the same, if he said I love you to her 10 times a day. 

OP, I feel your regret at the dissolution of your marriage, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Your wife wanted more words of affirmation, but she is the one who broke the marriage vows and stepped out. It's really all about her.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



dennisg1 said:


> Yes, you are right; I'm sure when I was in it and having these discussions with her, these discussions were having a negative effect on me because I thought I was a pretty good husband. It's only now, when I try to think back at the things she was saying to me does it make me feel like a "failure" because when I think about it; I'm like what she was asking for shouldn't have been this difficult for me.
> 
> However, like you said maybe there were other things going through my mind that made it harder for me to do. Maybe it was thinking if she needs "words of affirmation" so much and the reality of life gets in the way and I slip on "words of affirmation" ; will she end up cheating on me anyway down the road.


It doesn't matter if it shouldn't have been difficult for you, the fact is it was and that is not necessarily your fault. My point was that SHE may have been engaged in activities which made it difficult for you. When I went thru my "what if" phase, I blamed my self for not being this or doing that. But looking back now, I can also remember reasons why I didn't do this or that. it was often because she had destroyed my intent with her own actions. There were plenty of times I would have loved to have grabbed her and told her how pretty she was, but when she rejected my efforts, I lost the desire to do so. I would want to tell my ex that I loved her, but since she was not paying any attention to me and was texting her GF instead, I didn't. I felt guilt for all the missed opportunities, but then I realized that many of those opportunities were "missed" because she was missing. 

You are lamenting the end of something you only fantasized about. Had she been the wonderful person you imagined her to be, you wouldn't be apart from her, as she would be by your side and not with the OM. Stop beating your self up and start looking at reality. God knows I don't know how many times I had a 2x4 whacked upside my head on TAM over similar posts I made myself.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

You can't make someone happy. If your ex had a hard attitude towards you, NOTHING you said would have made a difference.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

Yep we can't make our partner or others happy but we do have an obligation to not make them unhappy. OP it is simple, she wanted words and you did not understand how important that was, too late now. But at least you are taking responsibility for where you went wrong and hopefully learn that lesson moving forward.

She has responsibility for her actions as we all do.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



MrsHolland said:


> Yep we can't make our partner or others happy but we do have an obligation to not make them unhappy. OP it is simple, she wanted words and you did not understand how important that was, too late now. But at least you are taking responsibility for where you went wrong and hopefully learn that lesson moving forward.
> 
> She has responsibility for her actions as we all do.


My wife wants words of affirmation, which I do give. But for a number of years, she would say "Your just saying that because you have to".

Talk about frustrating! 

Hijack over!


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



anchorwatch said:


> That's on her, it's not one bit your fault. Our happiness and self-esteem is our own responsibility. It's not the responsibility of our spouses.
> 
> She is a grown ass woman who knew who you were when she gave you a vow. That vow didn't say you had to keep patting her on the head and pumping up her self-esteem or she would hook up with other guys. If she felt like something was missing it was up to her fix it, not go looking for some other guy to fix it for her. That is only a band-aid and will never work in the long term.
> 
> ...


Yes, very true. She had a good way of making it sound so "simple", if you just do this it will make me happy but something in my gut felt like it couldn't be that simple.

I started working out again, so been going to the gym. I'm starting to venture out to see what other activities I can join. I like snowboarding but haven't really gone in the past couple years, so maybe I can find some events that I can join during the winter.



sokillme said:


> This is sad. You had issues yes, maybe next time you can find someone whose love language works like yours, however...
> 
> 
> I know I am going to get killed for this but I am of the opinion that people who have "words of affirmation" as their primary love language better have very strong boundaries. Personally I would be very worried to have a relationship with someone whose PRIMARY, I say Primary, love language is that. Everyone likes WOA that to some extent. WOA are pretty much the easiest of all love languages to do. People who need WOA and have poor boundaries are prime candidates to cheat. Think of it any player can lie and say whatever to get them to feel love. That is dangerous. WOA and poor boundaries are like the perfect storm when it comes to cheating, especially in women, as it is a players primary fishing bate.
> ...


Yes, she eventually cheated and had an emotional/physical affair that was over a year. I can't say with confidence anymore because of what she did, but I think for most of the relationship/marriage she didn't cheat but who knows at this point.

I agree 100%, when we were in therapy I even brought something similar up. There are people out there that say "I love you" to death to their spouses but are just constantly cheating, I don't view this as love. I might not be a big "words of affirmation" guy, but when I'm in a relationship I believe being loyal, respectful, honest, etc. go much further than just saying these 3 words. 



Tito Santana said:


> Agree 100%. If OP was doing everything he said he was and his only "failure" was not saying I love you enough, his wife was going to cheat eventually no matter what he did. IMO, his wife would have cheated just the same, if he said I love you to her 10 times a day.
> 
> OP, I feel your regret at the dissolution of your marriage, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. Your wife wanted more words of affirmation, but she is the one who broke the marriage vows and stepped out. It's really all about her.


Yes, the more I saw how focused she was on this the less secure I became in our marriage. I know in relationships there is something that they wish their spouse did more of, but not to the point of it being a deal breaker or breaking the marriage vows. So that's what would start to scare me, I would think, if this is how focused she is on this how would we survive actual real life issues.

I guess I go back and forth in my head, however, I do feel like in the long run this is the right path for me. But knowing about the cheating and how quickly she fell into the OM's arms doesn't help me see clearly and makes me second guess myself but I need to stop thinking that way. 



Ynot said:


> It doesn't matter if it shouldn't have been difficult for you, the fact is it was and that is not necessarily your fault. My point was that SHE may have been engaged in activities which made it difficult for you. When I went thru my "what if" phase, I blamed my self for not being this or doing that. But looking back now, I can also remember reasons why I didn't do this or that. it was often because she had destroyed my intent with her own actions. There were plenty of times I would have loved to have grabbed her and told her how pretty she was, but when she rejected my efforts, I lost the desire to do so. I would want to tell my ex that I loved her, but since she was not paying any attention to me and was texting her GF instead, I didn't. I felt guilt for all the missed opportunities, but then I realized that many of those opportunities were "missed" because she was missing.
> 
> You are lamenting the end of something you only fantasized about. Had she been the wonderful person you imagined her to be, you wouldn't be apart from her, as she would be by your side and not with the OM. Stop beating your self up and start looking at reality. God knows I don't know how many times I had a 2x4 whacked upside my head on TAM over similar posts I made myself.


Yes, that's a good point and I can think about specific situations where I just felt dismissed either by her phone, TV shows, etc. that didn't help our relationship.



MrsHolland said:


> Yep we can't make our partner or others happy but we do have an obligation to not make them unhappy. OP it is simple, she wanted words and you did not understand how important that was, too late now. But at least you are taking responsibility for where you went wrong and hopefully learn that lesson moving forward.
> 
> She has responsibility for her actions as we all do.


Yes, exactly. I guess in my next relationship I hope I can find someone who doesn't have "words of affirmation" being their primary love language or if it is, hopefully, they don't focus on just that and see all the other great aspects of our relationship.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

OP, you are fantasizing about your past. You don't even know if that really was her "love language" or not. You are simply feeling guilty and projecting backwards to justify your feeling guilty. I understand where you are at, but you need to really understand - you were doing the best you knew how to do at the time you were doing it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She wandered off because that was her choice - not yours. Stop internalizing your insecurities and start learning from your perceived "mistakes". Next time you will be more vocal, but there is no changing the past.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



Ynot said:


> OP, you are fantasizing about your past. You don't even know if that really was her "love language" or not. You are simply feeling guilty and projecting backwards to justify your feeling guilty. I understand where you are at, but you need to really understand - you were doing the best you knew how to do at the time you were doing it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She wandered off because that was her choice - not yours. Stop internalizing your insecurities and start learning from your perceived "mistakes". Next time you will be more vocal, but there is no changing the past.


Thank you, I definitely need to hear it like this to shake me out of this slump! Like they say, on to the next one!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

This sounds more like your wife had serious problems. She fits my theory. Don't romanticize her, have some hope that with a more well adjusted person you will have a better marriage.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

Yeah the OP still has his ex up on the pedestal. If only he had been more (insert love language here) he would still be worshipping at her feet. No one deserves a pedestal. Kick it out from underneath of them and see them for the flawed person they were (we are all flawed - I am not picking on her). Stop idolizing her and start idolizing your self. No one can or will love you the way you can and will love your self. You deserve what you become, so become the best that you can be and don't settle.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



dennisg1 said:


> I was always good to my wife; always made her laugh, bought her gifts, did sweet things for her to suprise her, helped her around the house, was playful/loving/affectionate with her, date nights, etc.
> 
> However, I'm starting to feel like I pushed her away in the end. I was doing a lot of great things in our marriage but I guess I feel like I was not focusing on the love language that she needed the most; which is "words of affirmation". I failed miserably in not telling her "I lover her" and "complementing her" more often as a husband.
> 
> ...


First, I found myself in your shoes (although my wife didn't cheat on me) I worked to rebuild my marriage, but had made a commitment to myself that I would divorce my wife if she didn't end our sex starved marriage and treat me in a non-abusive manner.

I want to congratulate you in figuring out your role in the failure of the marriage. You now have the knowledge to never let that happen again. 

You are still in a grieving process over the loss of your marriage. It is clear from your comments. 

However, one of the things I learned in saving my marriage is that it takes two to save a marriage and that keeping a marriage going takes hard work.

You wife cheated on you. That is a big deal!. He having an affair is not your fault, it was a decision that she made. It was her way of ending the marriage she had emotionally checked out of. You are not responsible for that. If she did something like that, there is high likelihood that she would not have put in the hard work that would have been required to rebuild your marriage.

Your marriage to her is over and the fault in not either yours or hers, it is shared. It is over, don't try to convince yourself that it can be rebuilt or that you could have done something other than you did and it will now be OK. Even if the two of you got together and you gave her all the words of affirmation she wanted, you would still probably never trust her and she would still have scars from your divorce.

Move on with your life. You should be congratulated on your introspection and self-knowledge. Because of that you stand a great chance to have a successful next marriage. Look to the future not the past.

Good luck.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

Dennis, you're still taking responsibility for her feelings. You are free now. You are responsible only for your own thoughts, words, feelings, actions, etc. She is responsible for hers, whether she accepts that or not.

Your wife was a black hole and nothing you could ever have done would have been enough.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*

OP,
I am perplexed as to how anyone can desire/require words over deeds. Words are simply too easy to spew, deeds on the other hand require effort. It would seem to me that anyone that could not see the expression of deeds as the ultimate truth has some significant issues with reality. Also, I agree wholeheartedly that no mater what you provided it would soon be inadequate and she would "need" something else. It is a fundamental character flaw in her. I would not fret over it any longer. She is who she is and you cannot change that.

You did not give her words of affirmation, she did not give you deeds of affirmation.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I think there are a lot of husbands, or ex husbands, who didn?t cheat, abuse, come in drunk, or anything like that. They tried their best to do their part of the chores and be a good husband and father. Many even attempted what their wife told them they needed. Then one day the husband is told she is no longer happy or not in love anymore. Who can understand that? Not I.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Typical betrayed spousal syndrome.

Self blame because she just wouldn?t do this? The affair is100% her decision.

Emotional affair for a year? It was sexual. Bank on it.

Believing the lies because you can?t get out of denial and truth is to hard to accept.

You really need to wake up here


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

*Re: Feeling guilty/sad that I couldn't express the right "love language" to ex-wife :*



dennisg1 said:


> I truly loved my wife and hate myself for pushing her away and in the end not really making her happy. .


What makes you think you can make anyone happy against their will? Only she can "make" herself happy and you need to stop drinking the cool aid about what happened between you and her. Your mind is trying to make sense of what happened by assigning logic and reason to your history. Stop it. Kick that damned pedestal out from under your memory of her and force yourself to comprehend that she was really an irrational, cheating, attention ***** who can't understand that actions speak louder than words. 

And another thing, don't damage your self respect by reaching out to someone who doesn't deserve it. You owe it to yourself to not destroy your dignity by grovelling before a cheater. You weren't perfect but that doesn't mean she was justified treating you that way. For your own sake you've got to stop second guessing yourself and assuming you would be happily married if you had been a better husband. 

I've seen this pattern you've described before and I can tell you from experience that you were married to a black hole that would have never reciprocated your love no matter how great of a man you were to her. btdt


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