# Taking the husband's last name....



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I know this has been covered before, but who is in favor of women _not_ taking their husband's last name or those in favor of taking the last name? Because to me if you don't wanna do that and make it a symbol of unity that's been going on for hundreds of years, then just live together as boyfriend and girlfriend or as fiances. My wife actually took her last name and legally made it her middle name and I'm cool with that, but had she insisted on carrying seperate names then I would have called off the wedding and requested that we just be live in lovers who are committed to each other.

I know of two couples who are married and didn't change names, and I always just view them as two people in love living together as _seperate_ individuals.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Taking of last names is an old fashioned concept. People are free to do as they wish without judgement.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not true that taking the husband's last name is what has been done for hundreds of years.

Different cultures, different times in history it was done differently.


I"ve always used...

Ele MaidenName HusbandsName

My female relatives in Italy, I mean the ones my grandmother's age did the same thing. So I followed that tradition. I used both names on at all times.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

but its fun to refer to your spouse as Mrs MyLastName


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I have friends who have taken their husband's name, I have friend's who have taken their wife's name. I have friends who both took a new name together. I have friends who kept their maiden names, and ones who hyphenated/morphed their names in all kinds of creative ways.

This has no indication as to how much or little they love their spouses and doesn't seem to be an indication of how many months, years or decades they'll stay together either.

If matters of the family name are important for one or both of the spouses — then they are important for them as a couple. If not, everyone else can butt out of it, in my opinion.

Full disclosure: Me and my H kept our maiden names. Reasons: 1) We are from completely different culture as are our names. All efforts to combine them just sound plain weird and unnatural. 2) To us, marriage wasn't about me joining his family or him joining my family. It was us, aware of our reparate lingiages and histories, forming a union together. 3) We got married early and tbh were not sure if it would last. Less hassle that way.

Only other option for us would've been us both taking a completely new name / some morph of both our names. Didn't come up with one so we went with the easier option of keeping them like they are.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband wouldn't marry me unless I agreed to take his last name. And yes we discussed it BEFORE he proposed.

My last name sucks but it came with a wonderful husband so I deal. After 21 years I'm used to it now. Now I get to listen to my kids complain about their last name. LOL

I dropped my maiden name completely.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My husband wouldn't marry me unless I agreed to take his last name. And yes we discussed it BEFORE he proposed.
> 
> My last name sucks but it came with a wonderful husband so I deal. After 21 years I'm used to it now. Now I get to listen to my kids complain about their last name. LOL
> 
> I dropped my maiden name completely.


That's something else to think about how freakin CONFUSING it will be for the kids to have parents with different last names, and all the questions & explanations that will come about from friends and classmates. Why would you wanna put your child through all that - it's cruel.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

With all the divorces you get used to it. As room mother for my kids classes its common for some kids to have different last names than the parents these days.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Why would you wanna put your child through all that - it's cruel.


My nephews (10 & 14) have there father's last name while mom has her own. Their parents aren't married. The nephews deal just fine, it's all they know.

Mrs P, who was a citizen of another (very bureaucratic) country when we got married asked her embassy if she needed to register the marriage and if she could keep her last name. No need while living abroad and gasp, of course, otherwise the children will have a different name. She kept her last name and we have no kids, worked out fine.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was so excited to take my husband's last name.  I wear it with pride.

He loves calling me "Mrs. [his last name]". I had no qualms about changing it. I had my dad's name, and then I got married. I don't see the big deal. Maybe some women see a big deal, and that's between them and their husbands, but to me, I love having his name.

My older daughter has her dad's name. It's not a big deal. When she gets married she can change it or not. My mom remarried and we had different last names for a while (when I was a kid). I didn't care. She was still my mom.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I dropped my maiden name completely.


I dropped mine too. The only one who has it now is my sister. And my mom. My dad (it is his name) is dead. The name dies with us. No males born.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Because to me if you don't wanna do that and make it a symbol of unity that's been going on for hundreds of years, then just live together as boyfriend and girlfriend or as fiances.


Some traditions make sense to me - when the 2 become ONE....

I'm old fashioned in this sense ....My husband would feel "rejected" if I didn't want to take his name....this was something I was happy to do - never even thought of it really... I guess I live in an old hick town, we don't even know a soul who hasn't been traditional in this sense. 

I met a Boy growing up -his last name was QUEER, then we have a "Weiner" in Politics...if those Girlfriends were a little gun shy with taking those last names.... I could surely understand..

I do feel it makes it easier for the kids also ...IF different last names, the majority will assume you aren't married (wouldn't you?)...this would bother me in itself....I wouldn't want others to think this....if I am happy to be married & be on my Husband's arm.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

In Latin cultures, the children get the names of both their parents...and the parents have the names of both THEIR parents. It gets pretty confusing. I do believe the children get the father's father's name and the mother's father's name? Not sure...but all my children have 2 last names in class.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband would feel "rejected" if I didn't want to take his name


Rejected not quite the right word, I think I was more confused, what do you mean you're not going to be a Parker? It was more logistical issue, wife and my unmarried sister work in the family business. The both have compound first names, sames names in different order, that caused a lot of confusion. Quickly I became OK with it. It took my parents over a decade and half. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> IF different last names, the majority will assume you aren't married (wouldn't you?)


Not really how it works, I find. They assume we both have whoever's last name they know. I will in certain circumstances answer to Mr Smith. For the most part people who know we have different last names will already know we are married.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My wife actually has two middle names. She kept here given middle name and added maiden name as a second middle name and took my last name. She essentially said taking my surname as her last name just made senses. People ask less questions and thus one does not need to clarify who we are as a family. 

Down side, when we signed our mortgage... She had to sign her complete legal signature a lot.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I was very happy to take my husbands last name.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I just KNEW my H was the right man for me when I heard his last name... it suited me more than my maiden name.

I grow produce for a farmers market...mostly 'greens' and I'm also an organic grower...a 'greenie' you might say. 

Can you guess my surname?

I also preferred to have the same surname as my H and future children.

I love being Mrs (insert name here) and I also love the family i married into. 
So I took his name happily..

Never felt any pressure.. it was what I wanted.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife took my last name.

But if she had decided to keep her own last name, and I in turn decided to call off the wedding because of it, then that signifies that she wasn't the woman for me. I couldn't justify tossing my baby aside all because she wanted to keep her own last name.

By the way, women have NOT always taken their husband's last name. That all comes down to what culture and society you hail from. Plenty of societies have had traditions that did not involve a wife taking the last name.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My wife chooses to leave her credit cards in the following format :

Mrs. Entropy3000

We have been married a long time and this was not that uncommon when we married. That said, we occasionally get a reaction from a young kid at the cashier when she uses her card. This was her choice.

But she generally has taken my last name since we married.

Besides my last name is freaking cool and always gets a response. I think she digs that. People even sing.

Update: So I am seeing yet another way that my wife honors and respects me that is no longer so common. Good deal.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> My wife chooses to leave her credit cards in the following format :
> 
> Mrs. Entropy3000
> 
> ...


Haha my husband's dad was Hungarian. The last name is, I believe, Hungarian. Of course, it could be something else. And, it is SOOO fun listening to people try to pronounce it! My maiden name is a common word, but married name is much less common.

Yes, I was one who chose to take her husband's name. My name is [Maricha] [Given middle name] [husband's last name]. I dropped the maiden name. However, in honor of my paternal grandmother, who passed away when I was 15, we named our daughter after her. I have no brothers, only sisters, so the name dies with us girls.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> That's something else to think about how freakin CONFUSING it will be for the kids to have parents with different last names, and all the questions & explanations that will come about from friends and classmates. Why would you wanna put your child through all that - it's cruel.


Actually it is no big deal. I took my ex last name and kept my maiden name as my middle name.

Post divorce I have gone back to my maiden name and no one has blinked. The kids are fine with it.

Maybe America is more behind or old fashioned but in Aussie it is no big deal for parents and children to have different names.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's no big deal in America either.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> That's something else to think about how freakin CONFUSING it will be for the kids to have parents with different last names, and all the questions & explanations that will come about from friends and classmates. Why would you wanna put your child through all that - it's cruel.


It might be confusing to a a toddler or preschooler, but the average elementary school child doesn't get fazed by the mother having a different last name. It's common these days what with all the divorces and remarriages or single parents. There are other things that are far more cruel to children than the parents having different last names.


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

/rant on

DW uses my last name only when it suits her as a matter of convenience.

Otherwise she uses her maiden name, or her mother's maiden name....or sometimes her mother's physically-abusive first husband's name, of which she was neither the natural child of the relationship or an adopted stepchild.

Our three school-aged children have my last name. DW's adult daughter, whom we raised together from age 5, uses DW's maiden name. I was never invited to adopt.

DW hated the step-father who adopted her in grade-school, and it's from him that she takes her maiden name.

Why she would ever use MIL's abusive first husband's name is totally beyond my ability to comprehend. I would think she'd want that part of her life in her rear-view mirror.

That she prefers either of these names over mine is very painful, and I continue to work through it in IC. We also discuss it in MC, albeit very rarely.

Her mother's maiden name doesn't hurt as much, but with all that's transpired in our marriage, it would be a huge display of solidarity if she locked in on my name.

/rant off

Hope I didn't hijack the topic.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

What's her reasoning behind not taking your name?

And was she upfront about it before you married? Did you ask?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Personally if i was to legally marry i would not care if she got my name or not. Up to her. She decides. I would never take her name. That's my decision.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I took H last name - simple & common. Much better than my 1st H last name which was German; had to spell it out every time I gave it out to anyone. 

3 years ago, I located H biological father (of course, his last name is different). H is considering legally changing his last name to that of his bio dad. Not a problem for me. We went to the local court house, clerk of court told us H would not have a problem changing his but she said I may have a problem since bio dad's not my dad. Neither of us understood this, but H said: I'm not having a different last name than my W; so if you can't neither will I. Clerk of court suggested we talk to a lawyer; H has not yet made the decision to go that route. If he does, than I'll be happy to take that name too - still simple & easy to spell just a little longer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have been married for 29 years & did not take my husband's name. We are both in academia & it is frankly odd to take the husband's name when you marry, so you could say that I am a conformist .

Our children never had any problem with confusion. Our finances have always been fine. I feel very married & my husband doesn't see any issue.

The only problem was with our fathers. My FIL disapproved & let me know it by forgetting my last name until the day he died. My own father was astonished when I told him I was keeping my name. He said, "Why the h*ll would you do that? We have such bad luck. If you took his name, your luck might change."

So much for tradition....


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

I took my H's last name and dropped my maiden name, didn't bother me at all.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Some traditions make sense to me - when the 2 become ONE....
> 
> I'm old fashioned in this sense ....My husband would feel "rejected" if I didn't want to take his name....this was something I was happy to do - never even thought of it really... I guess I live in an old hick town, we don't even know a soul who hasn't been traditional in this sense.
> 
> ...


I'm with you. I guess it depends on where one lives and what the customs are. One poster told about all the variations they knew of, as for me, I can't think of a single couple where i live where the wife didn't take the husband's last name, nor do I recall it even being discussed. Among the older generation here, it's common to see envelopes addressed as "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith," for example.


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## Leobwin (Apr 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> What's her reasoning behind not taking your name? And was she upfront about it before you married? Did you ask?


We did not discuss prior. I assumed she would use my name. Bad on me.

Here we are, 14 years, 3 kids, 1 known PA and several known EAs later (all hers) and still she continues to make me feel like shiz because she'd rather use the name of a man she openly deplores, than use my name. The message that sends to my psyche is not good at all.

Sorry to grouse. VERY sore subject for me.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It's pretty normal where I live and work for women not to take their husband's last name. It's also normal for people to be in long term committed relationships without being formally married. 

I struggled with the decision myself. I do see it as a giving up of identity and I don't like the implications of women-as-chattel, or property, either of a father or a husband.

But I did change my name in the end. The biggest reason was that I never liked my own surname combined with my first name, and combining it with my husband's name sounded great! I do like having the same name as my husband and kids now, but that wouldn't have been a deciding factor really. 

My husband didn't really care, although he liked the concept of us joining in name. He didn't feel he could insist though as he wouldn't have changed his name to mine. I probably would have considered hyphenating out surnames, but together they are a funny combination and I didn't want a last name with the emphasis on comedy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Leobwin said:


> /rant on
> 
> DW uses my last name only when it suits her as a matter of convenience.
> 
> ...


Wow. Sorry to hear this. At least she did not insist calling your children by that name or some form of it.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Where we grew up it was the norm to have 2/3/4/5 kids with different last names. Most single moms gave kids their last names but some gave them their fathers last name. 

My husband didn't require me to take his name so I just added it on to my name. 

WKH-L are my initials. My kids have my last name. It's assumed my husbands name is my last name, he sometimes gets called "mr. H". 

If someone knows my full name then he's called "mr. L". We used to stay in the Midwest and nobody could pronounce or spell his name, moved to the south, and not a problem with either. 

But we are a family. Been through to much sh!t not be bonded.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I loved taking my husband's last name and I am proud to have his last name. He never pressured me to take his last name and actually offered to take my last name, but I wanted to stick with the tradition and I don't really like my maiden name anyway. I don't necessarily think all women should take their husband's last name if they don't want to, but I do feel as though they should share the same last name(mostly for the sake of children/family). An old friend of mine is a big feminist and her husband and her made up a new last name that they now share. I thought that was clever and it works great for them. It's not something I personally would do, but I see nothing wrong with it. I just feel like when two people get married, it's no longer about his and hers, it's about becoming one.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

To those of you taking the opinion of having different last names is _no big deal _ and it's no big deal for the kids either, then why even get married because it should be "no big deal" and just being lovers who live together should be enough for you. And I didn't say I would have tossed my wife aside if she refused to take my name, I just meant that we'd simply live together and I wouldn't ever ask her to marry me since it's.........._no big deal._


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I happily took my husband's name. My maiden name is a big german nightmare of a name no one ever pronounced correctly, even though it sounds exactly like it's spelled.

Anyhow, hubby didn't care one way or another, but I think he was flattered when I did take it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> To those of you taking the opinion of having different last names is _no big deal _ and it's no big deal for the kids either, then why even get married because it should be "no big deal" and just being lovers who live together should be enough for you. And I didn't say I would have tossed my wife aside if she refused to take my name, I just meant that we'd simply live together and I wouldn't ever ask her to marry me since it's.........._no big deal._


Because there's more to marriage than sharing a name. There are greater legal protections for a start. Automatic next of kin status. Fewer issues with custody or property division should the relationship dissolve. 

The public commitment and ceremony is exactly the same, whether names are changed or not. I'm not religious, but what are the religious reasons behind a woman taking a man's name? Are there any? 

There are plenty of cultures where marriage is not linked to name changes. China, for example. Women don't take their husband's name, or not routinely anyway. Do you think marriage is pointless in large parts of China?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> To those of you taking the opinion of having different last names is _no big deal _ and it's no big deal for the kids either, then why even get married because it should be "no big deal" and just being lovers who live together should be enough for you. And I didn't say I would have tossed my wife aside if she refused to take my name, I just meant that we'd simply live together and I wouldn't ever ask her to marry me since it's.........._no big deal._


People are social, cultural animals. In my social circle within my culture, it was a very big, negative mark to change my name to my husband's when I got married. I actually agreed (and still agree) with the underlying rationale for this judgment, although I didn't particularly appreciate the pressure I felt to make the decision I did. I personally believe that the pressure for me to not change my name was as great as the pressure in other circles to change it 

My marriage is absolutely as committed as any other - more so than many - and I believe now as I did then that my last name does not decide this. And I feel now as I felt then that this is for me and my husband to decide.

For the people on this board who are so vociferously arguing that marriages in which the wife does not take her husband's name are somehow 'less' in terms of their status as marriages, I can testify that there is an army of people around the world who argue exactly the same thing about marriages where the wife assumes her husband's name.

(And to the poster who quoted Shakespeare above, I think it was indeed very apt.)


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Leobwin said:


> We did not discuss prior. I assumed she would use my name. Bad on me.
> 
> Here we are, 14 years, 3 kids, 1 known PA and several known EAs later (all hers) and still she continues to make me feel like shiz because she'd rather use the name of a man she openly deplores, than use my name. The message that sends to my psyche is not good at all.
> 
> Sorry to grouse. VERY sore subject for me.


Divorce would make a soothing salve for that very sore subject.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> To those of you taking the opinion of having different last names is _no big deal _ and it's no big deal for the kids either, then why even get married because it should be "no big deal" and just being lovers who live together should be enough for you. And I didn't say I would have tossed my wife aside if she refused to take my name, I just meant that we'd simply live together and I wouldn't ever ask her to marry me since it's.........._no big deal._


You don't seem to get though Cee Paul that the female taking the husband's name is NOT a requirement for marriage. It's a societal condition that changes across time, and culture. You keep equating the taking of the male's name as some kind of basic requirement of the institution of marriage. It is not. It all comes down to where you were raised. 

For me it feels totally natural. There was never any discussion as to whether it would happen as both and my wife saw it as normal. But I also understand that if I were raised say in Spain, it would be totally natural for my wife to keep her legal last name.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> My marriage is absolutely as committed as any other - more so than many *cough, Cee Paul, cough* - and I believe now as I did then that my last name does not decide this. And I feel now as I felt then that this is for me and my husband to decide.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I know this has been covered before, but who is in favor of women _not_ taking their husband's last name or those in favor of taking the last name? Because to me if you don't wanna do that and make it a symbol of unity that's been going on for hundreds of years, then just live together as boyfriend and girlfriend or as fiances. My wife actually took her last name and legally made it her middle name and I'm cool with that, but had she insisted on carrying seperate names then I would have called off the wedding and requested that we just be live in lovers who are committed to each other.
> 
> I know of two couples who are married and didn't change names, and I always just view them as two people in love living together as _seperate_ individuals.


I didn't take my first husband's name simply because it was so common and I like being distinctive. When I got married this time, he was concerned about this and seemed relieved and happy when I said I'd take his. I did what your wife did and turned my maiden name into my middle name, but in daily use it's his name that I'm known as.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You don't seem to get though Cee Paul that the female taking the husband's name is NOT a requirement for marriage. It's a societal condition that changes across time, and culture. You keep equating the taking of the male's name as some kind of basic requirement of the institution of marriage. It is not. It all comes down to where you were raised.
> 
> For me it feels totally natural. There was never any discussion as to whether it would happen as both and my wife saw it as normal. But I also understand that if I were raised say in Spain, it would be totally natural for my wife to keep her legal last name.


No it's not a requirement persay, but it is if you wanna be married to ME because it's what I'm comfortable with and I'm honored when a woman does take my name. Otherwise it would feel like we are just Bob Jones and Mary Smith who live together and have an intimate relationship, and that's cool if that's who you want us to be.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> No it's not a requirement persay, but it is if you wanna be married to ME because it's what I'm comfortable with and I'm honored when a woman does take my name. Otherwise it would feel like we are just Bob Jones and Mary Smith who live together and have an intimate relationship, and that's cool if that's who you want us to be.


Although I don't think it's worth fighting over, I still think this is a hypocritical attitude. When a woman takes on her husband's last name, it forces her to change her entire identity to the world. People can no longer find her based on the name they knew her as throughout years of her childhood or single life, meaning that she automatically gives up the chance to reconnect with people who may once have been important to her or to build relationships based on her own family's name that might be influential in her community. 

When men say "Her keeping her name means she's not worth marrying because it's no different than being two individuals who happen to have an intimate relationship," I want to ask them if they would give up THEIR identity for that same marriage. 

The answer is nearly always "no." When it comes time for YOU to give up YOUR name, you'd attach value to it. But you think a woman must give up those values in order to be married. It's nonsense.

I took my husband's name because it was important to him. I asked him this question and he admitted that what I said is true, and he said he'd marry me even if I didn't. I don't live where I grew up and I don't have a public reputation that's tied to my surname, so I could agree. But if I did, I'd keep my name and would be just fine letting a man go if he didn't value me more than his name.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> No it's not a requirement persay, but it is if you wanna be married to ME because it's what I'm comfortable with and I'm honored when a woman does take my name. Otherwise it would feel like we are just Bob Jones and Mary Smith who live together and have an intimate relationship, and that's cool if that's who you want us to be.


That's fine, for YOU. But don't make broad statements that flat out say people who don't adhere to this specific cultural norm might as well forgo the institution of marriage and just cohabitate.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> No it's not a requirement persay, but it is if you wanna be married to ME because it's what I'm comfortable with and I'm honored when a woman does take my name. Otherwise it would feel like we are just Bob Jones and Mary Smith who live together and have an intimate relationship, and that's cool if that's who you want us to be.


Well, that's fine for you then, isn't it? I've been through this discussion for literally 30+ years & it long ago stopped pushing my buttons. (I am, however, always puzzled by the women who declare with condescending pride that they were so happy to take their husbands' names, as if they know better how to please a man than those annoying feminists....)

If you make this an important signifier in your marriage, then it will be just that. If you don't make it one, then it won't be. My husband happens to be like me in this regard, so it has literally never been important. And don't mistake me - I believe that the institution of marriage is itself very important & have been assiduous in raising two wonderful, honest, smart children within its boundaries. And most of their friends' mothers kept their names & no one was scarred in any way that I noticed.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> When men say "Her keeping her name means she's not worth marrying because it's no different than being two individuals who happen to have an intimate relationship," I want to ask them if they would give up THEIR identity for that same marriage.
> 
> The answer is nearly always "no."


A man at one of my suppliers got married, he and his wife flipped a coin to see who would take whose name. He lost, he is FirstName HisLastName - HerLastName. He had a lot of explaining to do.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I will say this; most TAM posters likely have the same last name as their spouse.

Pray tell, has that somehow offered all of the suffering TAMers some kind of magical, mystical powers of protection over their marriages? Seems to me plenty of bad marriages, filled with deceit, cheating, and dishonesty feature spouses who share the same surname. 

So much for automatic unity.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> A man at one of my suppliers got married, he and his wife flipped a coin to see who would take whose name. He lost, he is FirstName HisLastName - HerLastName. He had a lot of explaining to do.


The husband here gets a lot of credit for honoring the bargain.

For all of the protestations about tradition vs. progressivism, I can tell you that my husband NEVER in a gazillion years would have changed his name to mine. The very mention of something like this drains the blood from his face in a nanosecond.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I should have added he lives in fairly progressive part of Europe.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I should have added he lives in fairly progressive part of Europe.


I lived for a long time in a European country that most people consider progressive, but it really wasn't in so many ways. As far as the wife keeping her name, it was illegal for a married couple to have different names, which until very recently meant that the wife took the husband's name.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I think it's a great symbolization to take your husband's last name. It, to me, is like saying, "I love and trust this man enough to change my name for him." I mean...that's just how I see it.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That's fine, for YOU. But don't make broad statements that flat out say people who don't adhere to this specific cultural norm might as well forgo the institution of marriage and just cohabitate.


I am finding this particularly puzzling when I look at the post history of the person who started this topic. CeePaul, you're on your second marriage, right? And it's not exactly a happy one is it? 

I'm married to my first and what will be my only husband. I could easily start a thread about the lack of point in second marriages; if you couldn't honour 'til death do us part' the first time, the second one doesn't mean anything at all. 

But I don't, because unlike a lot of people here, I can accept that my reality is not everyone's.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

IF you would call off a marriage over your wife not changing her name, then you obviously dont have very strong feelings for her. It also sounds rather petty and selfish.

I agree with some of the above posters, men expect women to be happy about giving up the only identity they have ever known to show their committment to the marriage . . . but what exactly do the men give up? Nothing changes for them.

My fiance knows that I am having a very hard time with the idea of giving up my name. He is not pressuring me either way. He even discussed the idea of him taking my name (but that would give him the same name as a very well known comedian and i wouldnt do that to him!).

The fact that I am feeling this way has nothing to do with how much I love him or my commitment . . . .


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> To those of you taking the opinion of having different last names is _no big deal _ and it's no big deal for the kids either, then why even get married because it should be "no big deal" and just being lovers who live together should be enough for you. And I didn't say I would have tossed my wife aside if she refused to take my name, I just meant that we'd simply live together and I wouldn't ever ask her to marry me since it's.........._no big deal._


I never ever ever ever ever...wanted to get married. I didn't care one way or another about it. We lived together since we were 15/16, and after being together for round about 8 years, and with a 5 year old, we got hitched. 

I asked him if I should take his name, he said no, do you really want to be associated with those people. Meaning his family. I just added it on to my name. 

He never got down on one knee, just told me to get info on the JOP, and went to work. Before we went, we stopped by the mall for cheap rings at jcpenny. 

This was 2000. So we moved in together in 95, had a baby in 96, separated in 99 for 4 months, I was near death, the hospital called in the priest, took 6 months to recover, delivered a surrogate baby, got married. 

After going through enough crap to last a life time, might as well make official. Last names are not at the top of the list.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So what a lot of you are saying is that since it's not important to you, that any of us that think it's important should just change our minds and adjust all of our feelings to match yours I guess. 

As for me I'm still a little old fashioned about a few things in life and this is one of them; and I grew up in an era where the males were supposed to be the providers, the protectors, and to carry on the family name, and that it's an honor when a woman chooses to take our names in marriage. So in order for me to be able to do that I have to obviously find a woman who's on the same page with me on that, and this is one of the many things you need to find out in the early stages of dating(and it's on my deal breaker list).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So what a lot of you are saying is that since it's not important to you, that any of us that think it's important should just change our minds and adjust all of our feelings to match yours I guess.
> 
> As for me I'm still a little old fashioned about a few things in life and this is one of them; and I grew up in an era where the males were supposed to be the providers, the protectors, and to carry on the family name, and that it's an honor when a woman chooses to take our names in marriage. So in order for me to be able to do that I have to obviously find a woman who's on the same page with me on that, and this is one of the many things you need to find out in the early stages of dating(and it's on my deal breaker list).


I don't think anyone has said you should adopt any other attitude. You're not wrong to have the values you have, but you came across as condescending about those who don't share yours.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So what a lot of you are saying is that since it's not important to you, that any of us that think it's important should just change our minds and adjust all of our feelings to match yours I guess.


I'm not saying that at all. I believe it's a choice to be made privately by a husband and wife. I respect your right to feel the way you do about it & would hope that others can respect my right to choose as I want. I realize that my preference for personal choice can itself be insupportable to people who place more weight on tradition, but in that I think we will have to agree to disagree. Respectfully, of course.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't think anyone has said you should adopt any other attitude. You're not wrong to have the values you have, but you came across as condescending about those who don't share yours.


Well I didn't mean to and I think people should do whatever works best for......._them_, but as for that idea it would never ever work for me personally and would make me uncomfortable from day one so I wouldn't agree to it. And I always wondered how it would be worded at a wedding where the woman is not taking the man's name; but then I went to one about 3 years ago and instead of announcing after the vows were completed - "ladies and gentleman I now introduce to you the new Mr and Mrs so and so", the preacher said - "ladies and gentleman I now present to you this newly married couple". Then everyone clapped with this kind of weird look on their faces.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So what a lot of you are saying is that since it's not important to you, that any of us that think it's important should just change our minds and adjust all of our feelings to match yours I guess.
> 
> As for me I'm still a little old fashioned about a few things in life and this is one of them; and I grew up in an era where the males were supposed to be the providers, the protectors, and to carry on the family name, and that it's an honor when a woman chooses to take our names in marriage. So in order for me to be able to do that I have to obviously find a woman who's on the same page with me on that, and this is one of the many things you need to find out in the early stages of dating(and it's on my deal breaker list).


Uh, no, that would be you who is saying that only marriages where the wife takes the husbands name are valid, because otherwise there's no point.

I did take my husband's name, but I don't for a moment think that friends of mine who didn't, and that's most of them, are less committed than I am. Maybe they already have a professional profile, and changing their name would hurt their career. Maybe they want people from childhood to be able to find them easily. Maybe they don't see why they should give up a very important part of their identity just because they're women.

There is more than one way to live.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Another thing I wouldn't wanna have to deal with is, that anytime my wife and I's names appear on anything together 99% of the people who don't know us will just _assume_ that we're not married if we had different names. And to me that is just more crap to keep having to deal with.

And another question I've often wondered is if the woman keeps her last name but gets married does she then go from "Miss Jones" to "Mrs Jones"?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Then call me "old fashioned"! I adopted my husbands name and I am proud of it! We are a team and we have a team mentality. It works for us.

My mom, on the other hand, did not adopted my dads name and they are not exactly a role model couple. Regardless, after 39 years of marriage, they are still together.

I am sure you will make the best decision for you :smthumbup:


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Again different strokes... Just some thoughts, not trying to change anyone's opinion.



Cee Paul said:


> Another thing I wouldn't wanna have to deal with is, that anytime my wife and I's names appear on anything together 99% of the people who don't know us will just _assume_ that we're not married if we had different names. And to me that is just more crap to keep having to deal with.


We don't care what 100% of those 99% of the people who don't know us assumes or thinks, no crap to deal with. We'll likely never see them again.



Cee Paul said:


> And another question I've often wondered is if the woman keeps her last name but gets married does she then go from "Miss Jones" to "Mrs Jones"?


Yes, although she generally goes by her first name.

Funny, on TAM I generally refer to her as Mrs P, I never call her Mrs IRL.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> And another question I've often wondered is if the woman keeps her last name but gets married does she then go from "Miss Jones" to "Mrs Jones"?


In my case I went to Dr. Jones & otherwise Ms. Jones. Really no problem. Occasionally, my H is called Mr. Jones, which can actually cause confusion.

(I can honestly say that the only real 'issue' we've ever had is remembering whose name we gave for dinner or hotel reservations - and this is not much of an issue.)

And p.s. CP - this seems to occupy some real 'pondering time' for you - have you analyzed why that is?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lyris said:


> ... Maybe they already have a professional profile, and changing their name would hurt their career. Maybe they want people from childhood to be able to find them easily. Maybe they don't see why they should give up a very important part of their identity just because they're women.


Or maybe they just wanted to do what they wanted to do. After all, who's to stop them? The Last Name Police?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Again I guess whatever works for you and what you're comfortable with is the way to go, just not my cup of tea and I probably know of 50 couples I've come across in my everyday life that feel the same way as I do.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Again I guess whatever works for you and what you're comfortable with is the way to go, just not my cup of tea and I probably know of 50 couples I've come across in my everyday life that feel the same way as I do.


That's fine.

It doesn't happen often but it can cause confusion. Mrs P and I went to vote last evening. Only our 3rd time living in NY, each time new location, new district, new voting technology so we were a bit confused as we came into the empty polling site together. We find the right tables to sign in, I at "N-Z" and she at "A-M". When we are done, the dear at "A-M" keeps yelling for "Mr Bayes" (wife's last name). "Mr Bayes needs to sign in. I need a signature for ballot 409 (mine)" To wich the lady at "N-Z" yells that 409 signed in with her. The other "A-M" lady looks in the book and says that's not even Bayes, it says Banes (the name she wanted me to sign for). Took about 15 seconds and the poll workers got to make fun of the "A-M" lady.

So there, yes, it is a big problem


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Again I guess whatever works for you and what you're comfortable with is the way to go, just not my cup of tea and I probably know of 50 couples I've come across in my everyday life that feel the same way as I do.


Cee Paul - I actually understand your impulses here. I said initially when you posed the question that I was pressured NOT to change my name because of the environment I was living and working in. It's true that the reasons for keeping my name are all valid to me, but it's also true that my slice of society said very clearly that not changing my name would signify the right things & if I chose to do it anyway, I would be looked at cross-eyed.

All people pay attention to tradition - it's part of the glue that holds us together. It's just that this particular tradition doesn't have the meaning for me that it does for other people, so I can more easily ignore it.

I really do respect your right to follow the tradition that you choose. And I guess that's the point to me.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

The married couple that we do know who have different last names she is an elementary school teacher; and she has said that on many occasions students, parents, and fellow teachers have all gotten confused over the seperate name thing.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I love tradition....I took my husbands last name. I believe it brings unity to a family. My kids and I have the same last name. But, I can understand a woman not changing her last name if her profession is in place prior to marriage ie actress, lawyer, doctor.


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## PolkaDottedJams (Nov 10, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Another thing I wouldn't wanna have to deal with is, that anytime my wife and I's names appear on anything together 99% of the people who don't know us will just _assume_ that we're not married if we had different names. And to me that is just more crap to keep having to deal with.
> 
> And another question I've often wondered is if the woman keeps her last name but gets married does she then go from "Miss Jones" to "Mrs Jones"?


Sorry, that whole "my wife and I's" thing is just killing me, lol. Correct form: " . . . my wife's and my."  

To answer your question: the Mrs. that keeps her maiden name is technically Ms. MaidenName.  I don't suppose there would be any harm in her using _Mrs_., however, to indicate she is married. Might help to clear up some confusion.


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## PolkaDottedJams (Nov 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My husband wouldn't marry me unless I agreed to take his last name. And yes we discussed it BEFORE he proposed . . . I dropped my maiden name completely.


Nothing personal, Mavash, but it's beyond me how a woman can marry a man who insists she take his name _or else!_ when he is doing nothing himself equivalent to her discarding half her identity. It can create a precedent in the marriage, furthermore, that he ultimately gets what he wants and she better very well understand that. What comparable sacrifice does a man make upon betrothing himself to his wife? Because, believe me, to some women, it is a _sacrifice _to forever part with their maiden name, and hence their familial and personal identity . . . something I will never do again.

I shudder to think some men aren't even minimally concerned with a woman's own sense of identity and what the loss of it means to her.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

DW made things very simple for us because she disliked her maiden name (it lent itself to rude jokes), was determined to get rid of it. Happily this was not the only reason for marrying me (at least that is what she tells me).


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

PolkaDottedJams said:


> Nothing personal, Mavash, but it's beyond me how a woman can marry a man who insists she take his name _or else!_ when he is doing nothing himself equivalent to her discarding half her identity. It can create a precedent in the marriage, furthermore, that he ultimately gets what he wants and she better very well understand that. What comparable sacrifice does a man make upon betrothing himself to his wife? Because, believe me, to some women, it is a _sacrifice _to forever part with their maiden name, and hence their familial and personal identity . . . something I will never do again.
> 
> I shudder to think some men aren't even minimally concerned with a woman's own sense of identity and what the loss of it means to her.


Oh please, my wife pretty much gets whatever she wants in this marriage and if she doesn't she will try and make things a living hell for me, and on the days I've had enough of it it usually turns into a huge ugly arguement after I decide to throw my weight around(not literally).


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