# Help - No sex



## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children. I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that so I will just cut to the chase.

My wife has zero sex drive. I've researched some things in private and I live in a sexless marriage. We have sex once every 3 months. I went from confused to pissed. This has gone on for almost 4-5 years. I started working out 3-4 times per day because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me. I found out that wasn't the case because I started getting sexual advances from strangers and a co-worker. Which was not my goal.

I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.

So what do I do? I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

spiritualconnection said:


> I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.


Have you had any thought on the quote above? Some people here (including me) would point this out to be one of your problems.


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

spiritualconnection said:


> Nothing I do has an affect.
> 
> So what do I do? I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.


Your honesty, will be our obliged advice.

Sounds like you need our blessing. 
Personally, I would set her down, hard. Just kidding!
She needs to hear from you that her azz is on the line. Literally. No puzzy, no marriage.

Uh, no. That is caveman talk. According to you she is a great wife, minus the no-sex situation.
Well, there are two of you in the marriage and you let her think this situation is OK, as in tolerable.
Obviously it is not OK. It is not OK for 90% of marriages. The remaining 10 percent that feel it is OK is not really true either. Most of these are drone, drab, low energy marriages. Or the couple is advanced in years.

If you "honestly" uttered the "move-on.org" statement in your initial post, than it is time to move on. Your love of her is minimal. 

Your are in the "I love you but am not in love with you". ILYBANILW, marital state of limbo.
If you ARE in love with your wife, go to Marriage Counseling, and try to resolve this. 

What are your ages? Have you found another women? Are you planning on finding another women. Are YOU having a mid-life crisis? I know you are horny. That is normal. What are your real plans and real motives here? Find a new hotter women? This is not necessarily a criticism. It is a common phase that men and women must work through.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

spiritualconnection said:


> My wife has zero sex drive.


For women with ZERO drive, it is easy to search for things to blame, such as unbalanced hormones, medical issues, or stress/depression. 

Odds are you wife is completely normal, and you need to start by learning to accept her just the way she is and help her learn to feel more confident in your marriage. You may expect her sexuality to work and respond the exact same as yours and obviously it does NOT. In contrast she likely feels that your sex drive may be broken as it works very differently than hers, but yet you feel you are completely normal. 

Based on the frequency you mentioned, there is a chance that your wife suffered something traumatic in relation to her sexuality. This can make intimacy emotionally painful for her and something she may be actively avoiding. Even if there was no trauma, it is possible that you have a history of trying every trick in the book to get her to enjoy sex on your terms instead of allowing her to enjoy it on her terms. Sex is often about validation. Some women often seek this validation by knowing that she can easily please her husband. If instead you insist that she responds to the things you want her to respond to, and refuse to enjoy sex until that happens, sex can become extremely frustrating for her and cause an extreme amount of anxiety.

If you talk to her about why she does not enjoy sex, LISTEN to her and acknowledge her feelings. THEN ask HER to help you work on those feelings. Keep in my she may be saying whatever to avoid really discussing this topic, but during the process try and make her feel more confident to talk about things in a way that you can stay calm and LISTEN without getting upset. Eventually you will start having some break throughs!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Did this start before or after you caught her sexting?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Have you really discussed this with her in a non-blaming way? Have you asked her to have her hormones checked, or get a full physical workup? How about suggesting marriage counseling? If you haven't tried those, do so. If you have, and she won't cooperate or there have been no changes as a result, move on. You can't change her - she can only decide to change herself. You can change yourself - including a change to your marital status.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

spiritualconnection said:


> I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children. I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that so I will just cut to the chase.
> 
> My wife has zero sex drive. I've researched some things in private and I live in a sexless marriage. We have sex once every 3 months. I went from confused to pissed. This has gone on for almost 4-5 years. I started working out 3-4 times per day because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me. I found out that wasn't the case because I started getting sexual advances from strangers and a co-worker. Which was not my goal.
> 
> ...


Attraction is more than just physical.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BookOfJob said:


> Have you had any thought on the quote above? Some people here (including me) would point this out to be one of your problems.


This.

Have you ever tried to push a rope?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Keke24 said:


> Did this start before or after you caught her sexting?


This could be an important fact. From your thread a few years ago you mentioned you caught her sexting. Is there anything else worth sharing that may or may not help with your post here?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> Did this start before or after you caught her sexting?


I'm glad Keke24 raised this. Your thread from 2011 shows you two have so many unresolved issues. If it's time to move on, then you should discuss the possibility with her today. Otherwise you'll be posting on here in another 6 years.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

spiritualconnection said:


> I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that


Everyone isn't sleeping with your wife (hopefully), you are. What she is doing is neglecting you and abusing you.

That's like saying, "other than my husband beating on me once and a while, he's a wonderful man!"



spiritualconnection said:


> I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.


Of course it doesn't. These are the WORST things you can do. You need to do the EXACT opposite friend. 

No wonder the attraction is not there. You are absolutely no challenge to her. Just a paycheck with a penis.



spiritualconnection said:


> I'll be honest I think it's time to just move on.


It IS time to move on. File for divorce. You have nothing to lose. Either:

A) That will send wake up call to her to start putting out. (Settle for nothing less than twice a week minimum)

B) She gets dumped and you find another girl more than happy to eagerly bang you as often as you please.

It's a win / win situation for you. Stop being a chump. Man up and pull the trigger bro.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're rewarding her behavior. You're training her how to treat you by doting on her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's getting her needs elsewhere.
She obviously loved sex in the recent past.

Read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and get a lawyer at the same time. You're being played.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The way I see it, it is way beyond time for a "Come to Jesus" meeting! 

If her problem is hormonal, then it's off to the Doctor she goes!

If her problem is psychological, then it's off to either a shrink, a MC or a sex therapist!

You absolutely do not deserve to be a party to this unnatural treatment of hers!

If she fails to live up to any of her problems, then you need to be making an appointment with a good family attorney in helping to bring an end to this shabby excuse of a marriage!*


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was in a sexless marriage. 100% no sex, no nothing for almost 5 years. But I hated her and resented her. I left her. She still begged me to stay and made me feel like I was the bad guy. I never got a BJ from her, even while dating. Why I married her is the big question. I was dumb and young. Some marriages just need to die. Nothing wrong with that.

Divorce. Then start dating and having fun. You'll find someone that wants your d!ck every day and loves every second of it. I did. In fact, I was getting laid the second day after I separated. I didn't waste time. There are so many women out there that want great sex, trust me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did she always have low interest in sex, or did it decline over time?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think that you should just move on without talking to her and trying to work it out. Basically since you haven't said that you have a problem with having no sex she doesn't know anything is wrong. There's many women that would rather not have any sex and she's probably thinking if it's ok with you it's ok with her. Talk to her in a non-blaming way that what's going on isn't ok and you want to work on it with her. If she refuses, then maybe it's time to think of moving on.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Why have you stayed so far?

Why would you consider staying awhile longer?

What motivations does she have to address this issue, conveyed directly to you or assumed by you?

What has she said about the problems in the past? What is her communication about or stance towards the problems now?


I've been here a few years, with a similar-sounding problem that has gone through some transitions but ultimately appears more unsolvable than ever. Rarely I've come across something I hadn't heard before, but recently did in two books: "Married and Alone" by Douglas Weiss, and "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-hatred" by Patrick Carnes.

There is no way of knowing, but if she is not telling you what she needs to see changed by you, and the needs you express are less and less given attention by her, then at some level she has no intention of changing this in the way you had hoped. To me, assessing her intent is the most urgent and perhaps the only useful thing you can do with your time while for how ever long you stay (not her stated intent, but the intention of whatever conscious or less-than-conscious part of her driving her behavior). If that intention is not aligned with yours, you are hurting yourself, every day and lonely night you fail to face that fact.


Not long ago I came to believe in my case I am powerless to fix things, to improve myself and change my behavior in a way that would free her and motivate her to embrace me and provide and support and fan the flames of the love and intimacy I vaguely recall we once had. I came to realize that To do so is entirely threatening to parts of herself she holds most dear -- the walls she had built and retreated behind. Her operative intent is in the precise opposite direction of reconciliation. It is a fools errand to seek something else from her (in my case), and dangerously so -- it would consume the rest of my life if I were to let it.

I don't know about your situation (and have moments of doubt about mine), but there comes a time to assume that if she's not with you, in your quest for a solution that works, then she's against you. And, if that's the case, why would she deserve you sacrificing your remaining chances for joy and companionship and love in this life? Don't sacrifice the good to the lazy or avoidant and indifferent you once misunderstood to be available and open to loving you. What are you waiting for, before your life can (again) begin?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're rewarding her behavior. You're training her how to treat you by doting on her.


I'd agree. 

So, in some cases, changing one's reaction to mistreatment can lead to the other waking up, owning his or her part, and making positive changes.

Yet, I hasten to add, that doesn't always work. (WoM, I'm not saying you suggested otherwise (and I'm pretty sure you would not be inclined too -- just feeling the need to emphasize mistreatment comes sometimes whether it seems welcome or not)).


On a related note, rewarding someone's hurtful behavior towards you trains your self to accept the mistreatment. It normalizes the mistreatment in your, the recipient's, subconscious. Over time, it becomes harder to remember you deserved and deserve better. It becomes hard to remember folks generally expect and require better from their partners and so-called lovers. And then, you are trapped until you can untangle your own web of distortions.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

spiritualconnection said:


> I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children. I could type how wonderful she is and all that stuff but everyone says that so I will just cut to the chase.
> 
> My wife has zero sex drive.


I wish I knew. I have been married 16 years and have 2 children. Our marriage has been sexless for about 10 years. We've been to counseling in the past and for the last 2.5 years. I have learned that she was basically taught that men really just want sex. That men just have this primal need to stick their penis in a woman and there is no emotion behind it. She was told that all men will say whatever they have to to have sex. So, ironically, she objectified me. From her perspective, she could rationalize my love as a thinly veiled attempt to get more sex. She kept playing this narrative in her mind for 15 years. She rejected me 95% of the time, until I said, one more rejection and it's over. She rejected me again and I mentally checked out. In my mind, she ended our marriage right then and there. In the end, I think I will not be able to recover from what she has done. Honestly, I think I waited to long to get her help. Her mistrust in me, her depression and the rejection killed my love for her. 

If you want to try, I think you should get/stay fit. Be the best dad ever. And, make her go see a sex therapist to work on her issues. Whether they are psych or physical, a therapist will be able to help.


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## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

Keke24 said:


> Did this start before or after you caught her sexting?


Yeah you bet!


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## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> I don't think that you should just move on without talking to her and trying to work it out. Basically since you haven't said that you have a problem with having no sex she doesn't know anything is wrong. There's many women that would rather not have any sex and she's probably thinking if it's ok with you it's ok with her. Talk to her in a non-blaming way that what's going on isn't ok and you want to work on it with her. If she refuses, then maybe it's time to think of moving on.


Great feedback! I wouldn't say I'm 'ok' with it because it drives me crazy. I do not masturbate but I'm probably going to take that up as a hobby. Over the last 3 months I've pretty much laid low by just being a warm body that sleeps in the same bed. No sexual advances... just being a husband. I've avoided any and all controversy whether it be about kids, jobs, careers and the everyday struggles in life. So basically the Brady Bunch family and I think she actually loved it and thought everything was great.


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## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

uhtred said:


> Did she always have low interest in sex, or did it decline over time?


It's declined over time.


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## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

wantshelp said:


> I wish I knew. I have been married 16 years and have 2 children. Our marriage has been sexless for about 10 years. We've been to counseling in the past and for the last 2.5 years. I have learned that she was basically taught that men really just want sex. That men just have this primal need to stick their penis in a woman and there is no emotion behind it. She was told that all men will say whatever they have to to have sex. So, ironically, she objectified me. From her perspective, she could rationalize my love as a thinly veiled attempt to get more sex. She kept playing this narrative in her mind for 15 years. She rejected me 95% of the time, until I said, one more rejection and it's over. She rejected me again and I mentally checked out. In my mind, she ended our marriage right then and there. In the end, I think I will not be able to recover from what she has done. Honestly, I think I waited to long to get her help. Her mistrust in me, her depression and the rejection killed my love for her.
> 
> If you want to try, I think you should get/stay fit. Be the best dad ever. And, make her go see a sex therapist to work on her issues. Whether they are psych or physical, a therapist will be able to help.


Wow! 10 years? We've also been to counseling but that only worked for about 1 month which was 4 years ago. She has said that all I think about is sex so when I stopped pursuing her I think she loved it. She didn't have to worry about my sexual advances and rejecting my advances.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

spiritualconnection said:


> Great feedback! I wouldn't say I'm 'ok' with it because it drives me crazy. I do not masturbate but I'm probably going to take that up as a hobby. Over the last 3 months I've pretty much laid low by just being a warm body that sleeps in the same bed. No sexual advances... just being a husband. I've avoided any and all controversy whether it be about kids, jobs, careers and the everyday struggles in life. So basically the Brady Bunch family and I think she actually loved it and thought everything was great.


i bet Alice is looking good to you right now :grin2:


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## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

badsanta said:


> For women with ZERO drive, it is easy to search for things to blame, such as unbalanced hormones, medical issues, or stress/depression.


You bring up a really good prognosis. I told her several years ago that her hormones are all out of whack. Well that didn't go over very well because 1) I'm not a doctor 2) a pill doesn't fix everything. About 2 months ago she went to a nutritionist who told her that she has really high levels of testosterone and very low levels of estrogen. So basically, confirming what I said several years ago.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> I wish I knew. I have been married 16 years and have 2 children. Our marriage has been sexless for about 10 years. We've been to counseling in the past and for the last 2.5 years. I have learned that she was basically taught that men really just want sex. That men just have this primal need to stick their penis in a woman and there is no emotion behind it. She was told that all men will say whatever they have to to have sex. So, ironically, she objectified me. From her perspective, she could rationalize my love as a thinly veiled attempt to get more sex. She kept playing this narrative in her mind for 15 years. She rejected me 95% of the time, until I said, one more rejection and it's over. She rejected me again and I mentally checked out. In my mind, she ended our marriage right then and there. In the end, I think I will not be able to recover from what she has done. Honestly, I think I waited to long to get her help. Her mistrust in me, her depression and the rejection killed my love for her.
> 
> If you want to try, I think you should get/stay fit. Be the best dad ever. And, make her go see a sex therapist to work on her issues. Whether they are psych or physical, a therapist will be able to help.


So you checkout mentally but i don't see the downside from her perspective...your still there, you still bring home a check, she is still living in the house and she does not have to worry about putting out...how is this good for you?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Xenote said:


> i bet Alice is looking good to you right now :grin2:


Sloppy seconds from Alice is even looking pretty good right now.


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## spiritualconnection (Oct 14, 2011)

Xenote said:


> So you checkout mentally but i don't see the downside from her perspective...your still there, you still bring home a check, she is still living in the house and she does not have to worry about putting out...how is this good for you?


I guess I'm waiting for someone to hit me in the head with a hammer. I'm starting to catch onto a certain vibe... time to fish or cut bait.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

spiritualconnection said:


> It's declined over time.


When you did have sex previously, did your wife have any climax? My wife seems to have almost zero sex drive. She seems to also have no drive to ever climax. She was able to climax once or twice earlier in our marriage with a small vibrator, but she has no desire to repeat that. When we did have sex, she seemed to enjoy it, but never wanted a climax. It has always been important for me to have my partner enjoy sex very much. I have done oral on her many times, but stopped about a year ago because she has no interest in returning the favor. 

Unlike your wife, my wife never refused me, but I stopped initiating because it began to feel more and more awkward. As a result, we've had sex once in the past three months. We have no kids and really no stress in our lives and we never argue. She says "I love you" when I go to work and we hold hands when out together and sometimes at home when watching a movie together. I am in very good physical shape. 

Earlier in 2016, I attempted to talk about our problem, but she just said "Why do we have to talk about it?" 

Sometimes, a spouse simply doesn't have a sex drive nor a need for romance. It seems that she used sex to attract men to marry her. I did love her very strongly, but that passion has mostly been replaced with inner resentment. Unfortunately we were married only 2 1/2 years ago, so I am still figuring out when to divorce. As far as I know, she has no idea that I am this unhappy, but it's because she has no interest to talk about deep things.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Spiritualconnection, how does she respond to you when you just hug her or kiss her spontaneously through the day?
What is her response when you try to initiate sex, flirt with her, or express your interest in having sex?
Does she reject you, or does she avoid you? And I have to ask, do you still try? (It's easy enough to get to a point where you've just given up.)

Two things that could help. One, talk to her about it. Try to have a constructive non-accusatory discussion and let her know you'd like to try to "bring the spark back" into your relationship. Tell her you're constantly attracted to her and want to be with her.
Ask her to provide a solution. See if she wants scheduled sex days in the week, for example. That works for some people. Or get her to commit to a frequency. Invite her to provide the solution that way you'll get a clearer indication as to what she wants or is missing. If you provide the solution and she doesn't like it, she may not tell you and it'll frustrate you more when it doesn't work.

I got the response "not every day" and we settled on somewhere around twice a week. Periods, bad backs, and sickness crop up and interrupt that frequency at times, but during otherwise healthy happy times it's 2-3 times a week now and my wife initiates where she didn't. As it turns out, the more often we have sex, the more she remembers how much she likes it and seeks it. We've hit a bit of a routine of roughly certain days or situations which is nice because were on the same page now. The more frequently we have sex, the more our affection comes out to one another and it's a positive feedback loop.

It didn't happen overnight. It took a few discussions and fights to get where we are now. As it turns out, most of it was just lack of communication along with a reduction in her sexual urges.

You need to kiss her, hold her, hug her, and rub her back regularly (a few times a day) along with subtle casual compliments about how pretty she is, how you love her, or something else that you appreciate about her. If she gets this kind of non-sexual affection, she's going to not treat ever sexual advance as "he only pays attention to me when he want sex."

But you do need to talk. Trust me. Nothing is going to change until she knows how you feel and how she feels.
Remember to ask her to come up with a solution and work with that.
She's either going to tell you she's not interested, let you know what's wrong, or start having more sex with you.

I'll throw this out as a curve ball. My wife was found to be low in vitamin D3 and B-12. I started having her take significant amounts of both and it seems to have brought her sex drive back (not to like 20's age levels, but back from basically 0.) I can tell you what to have her try taking if you want to give it a shot. These vitamins are actually hormones and low levels can really affect sex drive. But it's not a silver bullet. Communication is really the first thing.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> So, ironically, she objectified me.


Sadly, from here at least, seems like a tragic irony (except, of course, your life is not a play).

I've received the same sort of objectification. I've come to see it as convenient rationalization #376, and believe that if I had the energy and desire to put into a conversation (at the right place and time), I could debunk it sufficiently for her to set it aside temporarily. (I've done it before.) But, the vacuum its displacement creates would almost certainly be filled by some other justification for disconnecting and continuing her (sometimes covert) indifference towards me.

I think the "Intimacy Anorexia" folks are on to something, when it comes to patterns like that.

I'd agree a therapist could help, but, of course, the patient has to be willing to see there is a worthwhile issue to be addressed, and give a damn about it. For many, it seems that piece is missing. (Not sure about in the OPs case.)


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

spiritualconnection said:


> Over the last 3 months I've pretty much laid low by just being a warm body that sleeps in the same bed. No sexual advances... just being a husband. I've avoided any and all controversy whether it be about kids, jobs, careers and the everyday struggles in life. So basically the Brady Bunch family and I think she actually loved it and thought everything was great.


Understand [because of this approach] the distance is growing [unchecked], and at some point there will be nothing you can do about that. Not criticizing. (It's enlightening in some ways. Comforting too, if one is tired enough. I've done it. I'm doing it.) Just be sure you are being honest right now about the likely outcome.

I'd guess for many couples, it would lead to a "new normal" of less, even zero, intimacy of all kinds.

IME, this approach has made my wife more and more comfortable giving me less and less. It's made me more comfortable expecting and receiving zero. It has made it clear to me that I am here in my home with my kids, with a woman that does not love me or treat me lovingly in any meaningful way, by choice. I feel like (and hope) I'm getting over a bad break up -- just a bit earlier than one normally would (i.e., before walking away).

I have told her many times that I feel less and less interest in connecting with her, and that I feel unless a miracle occurs I will leave. She either does not care (beyond financial/logistical self-preservation concerns), or discounts the seriousness of my words, or manages to evade awareness most of the time -- but, understanding the mechanisms making all this possible seems less and less interesting as time flies by.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The downside for her is that she is missing out on the wonderful experience of being in a passionate loving marriage. Sadly she doesn't realize what she is missing.




Xenote said:


> So you checkout mentally but i don't see the downside from her perspective...your still there, you still bring home a check, she is still living in the house and she does not have to worry about putting out...how is this good for you?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a terrible mental trap. Once someone starts thinking that way, it is very difficult to reverse. Every positive action is an attempt to bribe or guilt-trip for sex. Every negative action is an attempt to pressure for sex. "Providing" sex seems to be "giving in" to the unreasonable demands of the spouse. 

My wife has never explicitly said this, but I'm pretty sure it is how she thinks, and that is from how she was raised. 





wantshelp said:


> snip
> I have learned that she was basically taught that men really just want sex. That men just have this primal need to stick their penis in a woman and there is no emotion behind it. She was told that all men will say whatever they have to to have sex.
> snip
> .


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Basically, as long as YOU are not changing, the problem is not changing. I have been on here for 6 years, and I see this same problem again and again. I really don't think any more time together, meeting moreher needs, talking, talking, talking, is going to change it. Everyone knows it but yet are afraid to pull the trigger. Like Curiouswife thread of getting her husband straightened out. That sucker is 3 years plus old, nothing really has changed, yet people are still saying "poor you" to her. Same old, same old, she obviously likes it or she wouldn't stay. I believe it is happening here again.

Not easy, realize that, but why would you want to stay where you are not really wanted? If you didn't bring home a paycheck how long they let you stay?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

spiritualconnection said:


> She has said that all I think about is sex so when I stopped pursuing her I think she loved it. She didn't have to worry about my sexual advances and rejecting my advances.


Wow, again this sounds so familiar. It's like my wife was trying to ween me off of sex and physical affection. When I quit pursuing her, my wife also had no interest in initiation. She was visibly relieved... like her life is perfect now. I imagine her thinking that eliminating sex was the last piece of the puzzle in feeling free! She has everything she wants and does whatever she wants. She has a part time job (because working more than 4 days a week is too hard), eats whatever she wants, plays solitaire, or candy crush on a tablet in the evenings. By contrast, in the evenings, I might bring home dinner, do the dishes, help the kids with homework, fix up/renovate the house, pay bills, or fill out forms for insurance reimbursements. I almost never have a chance to watch a TV show or play a game. I do all that because one of her excuses was always that she is too tired or there was stuff to do. But guess what, when I did it all and she cut her working to one day a week, nothing changed. She didn't suddenly realize, "hey I have all this free time now, let's be affectionate". Nope. The excuses changed to things like we can't because the kids might hear. So, then I came home for lunch a few times while the kids were at school or surprised her with a day off of work and guess what, those never panned out either. So, my conclusion is that it's all lies. I believe her only interest is to tell me whatever I want to hear without compromising her lifestyle and living standard. She wants to be a roommate with financial support, but that's not a marriage.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

spiritualconnection said:


> I pursue her, I dote on her, I do nice things and/or buy her nice things. Nothing I do has an affect.


Stop doing those things.

It may have an affect.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> spiritualconnection said:
> 
> 
> > She has said that all I think about is sex so when I stopped pursuing her I think she loved it. She didn't have to worry about my sexual advances and rejecting my advances.
> ...


Tell her you want enthusiastic sex on a regular basis. She will most likely laugh at you. Then hard 180. Look up the 180. 

She is just a burden to you, taking advantage of your good nature. She contributes nothing of value. You are worth more. Check out No more Mr nice guy by Robert Glover.

If she's doing so little, there's no way you should be busting your ass for her. Join a club or a gym. Get out of the house a few times a week. Leave the dishes housework pile up. 

If nothing changes I would divorce her.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Xenote said:


> So you checkout mentally but i don't see the downside from her perspective...your still there, you still bring home a check, she is still living in the house and she does not have to worry about putting out...how is this good for you?


That's exactly right. My reasons for staying are to avoid distressing the kids and turning their life upside down. And I am afraid of being alone. I tend to blame myself a lot. I often think I must have done something wrong; she was perfect before we got married... Maybe I would do the same thing to the next woman. And she is a good mother. And marriage is a lifelong commitment and it's not easy for me to consider divorce. Also, our therapist still thinks there is hope. It makes me doubt my thoughts of leaving...

But, is the chance for happiness really worth it? My consistent answer is absolutely, but I can't seem to take the final step.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Good Guy said:


> Tell her you want enthusiastic sex on a regular basis. She will most likely laugh at you. Then hard 180. Look up the 180.
> 
> She is just a burden to you, taking advantage of your good nature. She contributes nothing of value. You are worth more. Check out No more Mr nice guy by Robert Glover.
> 
> ...


I have done some stuff in the 180. I did join a gym and am in the best shape of my life (although there is still room for improvement). She is in the worst shape of her life and has become obese since telling her about my thoughts of divorce a year ago. I try to avoid initiating any affection with her. But, I have told her that "as always, she can have sex with me whenever she wants because I would never reject my spouse, I consider it cruel and hurtful to reject the affection of your spouse." Also, I can't stand and messy house, so I won't leave the dishes and laundry to pile up. The household still needs to function for the good of the kids and frankly, the dishes and laundry are not her job just because she's the woman. And instead of going out with friends or something, I take the kids to the park, or a trampoline park or arcade or something... Having fun with them distracts me from our crappy relationship...


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you aren't happy with the current situation then change it, instead of just complaining about it and not taking action. You have all the power to control your sex life. She only gets to choose whether it's with her or with someone else. If you are being a good husband, doting on your wife, and taking care of her financially and she's not putting out, then show her the door and end her fantasy of what married life should be like.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> That's exactly right. My reasons for staying are to avoid distressing the kids and turning their life upside down. And I am afraid of being alone. I tend to blame myself a lot. I often think I must have done something wrong; she was perfect before we got married... Maybe I would do the same thing to the next woman. And she is a good mother. And marriage is a lifelong commitment and it's not easy for me to consider divorce. Also, our therapist still thinks there is hope. It makes me doubt my thoughts of leaving...
> 
> But, is the chance for happiness really worth it? My consistent answer is absolutely, but I can't seem to take the final step.


ultimately only you can answer that Want,...but let me pose it this way....is being alone so frightful that it is worth being alone in a marriage where there is no intimacy is it worth it? i am not sure what steps you are taking to help you move into that direction, but the best way to pull away is to focus on your well being, if it means that you go out to go to go for a walk or a run than do it, or find special place in your house to read. or study....but let me just point out something...not sure of the age of the kids but consider this...they are watching the interactions or lack there of, the intimacy or again lack there of, between your wife and you, are you not concern that they will base some or a lot of their future relationships on what is happening between you and your wife...and furthermore does your wife not understand that as well....don you want your kids to not make the same mistake you and your wife have done. I personally spoke to my girls a couple weeks ago on what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Not easy, realize that, but why would you want to stay where you are not really wanted? If you didn't bring home a paycheck how long they let you stay?


This is truth, and something you need to admit to yourself. In my case, the ex starting working towards an exit a month after I was laid off. I knew she was not a big fan of me

Better that you face it now and, if need be, stop pouring your time, money, energy into someone who is only looking out for herself.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Take control of your life. Show your children how to be in command and how to eliminate negative people from your life. Show them disrespect is not acceptable. Leaving a bad marriage is good for kids, not bad.

Figure out what frequency is acceptable for you - maybe 2 or 3 times a week? 3 times a week - which is really not out of the normal range - is almost 160 times a year.

I think having THAT conversation might put the problem under a very bright light. If you desire sex with your w 160 times a year, she will be shocked. As well she should be. She has no idea what it takes to be a partner and I think quantifying the problem might be a good start. How can she negotiate against a number that high? Point out that once a month is 12 times a year - a far cry from a compromise - 12 versus 160? Come on that ridiculous ! And yet monthly probably seems crazy to her.

Ignoring and / or understating the problem is no solution 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Sounds familiar to me as well - the woman who sat on my lap with my hands up her dress on our first date now says that sex is just too much work. Will make the occasional comment about having sex but then in the next sentence lets me know that she has a massive headache. Five times since the start of 2011 - guess this qualifies as sexless.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Sounds familiar to me as well - the woman who sat on my lap with my hands up her dress on our first date now says that sex is just too much work. Will make the occasional comment about having sex but then in the next sentence lets me know that she has a massive headache. Five times since the start of 2011 - guess this qualifies as sexless.


Yes, you're qualified! Welcome to the club whose members didn't realize they were joining.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

spiritualconnection said:


> I've been married for over just 15 years and we have 3 children.
> 
> My wife has zero sex drive. I've researched some things in private and I live in a sexless marriage. We have sex once every 3 months. *I went from confused to pissed*. This has gone on for almost 4-5 years. I started working out 3-4 times per day because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me.....
> 
> ...


A little advice from a guy that has been married to the same woman for 45 years and who was in a sex starved marriage for some of them, but is now much happier. It is advice that others have given you.

(1) Get MW Davis book, the Sex Starved Marriage and read it.
(2) Get Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy and both read it and study it.
(3) Stop being dependent on your wife for validation, take responsibility for your own happiness

Your working out and getting in shape is a great start! Both Davis and Glover recommend it, but call it Getting a Life. Now do the next step and take that in-shape you and find things to do that bring you happiness. If you change yourself to a happy person, you will be much more attractive. If you stop being clingy and dependent and doting on her, you will become more mysterious and more attractive.

Understand that you can not change your wife. You can only change yourself and the way you allow yourself to be treated. However, as Davis & Glover point out, if you change yourself, your wife will not be sure how to treat the "new you." That may cause her to change the way she treats you. If it is in a direction you like, then reinforce it. If it is not a way you want to be treated, just tell her that you don't want to be treated like that anymore. Once you start regaining your independence and start finding pleasure in your own company and doing the things that bring you happiness, she will begin to understand that she can be part of your world or watch you drift away.

Good luck.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> Yes, you're qualified! Welcome to the club whose members didn't realize they were joining.


Thank you for the warm welcome - yep, didn't realize I was joining when we got married. I'd have been better served just getting a roommate - at least with a roommate they wouldn't have access to my money and thus spend on stupid crap or give to a dumbass sibling who can't live within her means. We're approaching one year since our last session, and I'm aiming to exceed two years (we went 25 months without sex a few years ago). Need to look at this from a positive perspective - helps to have goals. 

To the OP, listen to the others that have commented on this thread. You doting on her, etc., just confirms to her that she has you where she wants you - you give her stuff, and she doesn't even need to reciprocate. Sounds like a horrible deal for you. I like what Uhtred said - she doesn't realize what she's missing. In our case, my wife enjoys sex when we're in the act, but in her mind, the lead up is just too much work. That's a high mountain to climb.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Xenote said:


> ...they are watching the interactions or lack there of, the intimacy or again lack there of, between your wife and you, are you not concern that they will base some or a lot of their future relationships on what is happening between you and your wife...and furthermore does your wife not understand that as well....don you want your kids to not make the same mistake you and your wife have done...


I have thought of that. There is no doubt that they are seeing a terrible example of a relationship. I believe that seeing us like this is far worse than seeing us happy with new partners after a divorce. My wife agrees that this is a bad model for the kids.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I was surprised recently to hear my DD17 say fairly convincingly she did not understand why her mother and I are still married, and she wished we would divorce. She was angry at her mother at the time, but still, she was attempting to convey to me that our family unit settles for crappy lives, and it upsets her to be having doubts about whether there is better to be had.


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