# what was the final straw?



## 845dad (May 28, 2014)

Mine wasn't the cheating EA for sure ..who knows maybe PA, I don't really care. The last straw for me was during a counselling session she talked about in 1998 (thats nineteen ninety eight). right after the navy i moved to florida and she showed up a week after the movers. I had nothing just boxes a bed a tv and some pots. she put stuff away . 3 months later she visited at the end of a refueling outage ( I work a a nuclear power plant) that month i worked litteraly 12 hours a day for a month...3 meals a day at the site cafeteria. well she visited again and had to clean..probably 2 hours and found a green steak in the fridge. Yeah its gross but I am pretty sure I had not opened the fridge in probably 2 weeks....this was how I disrespected her. that was my final straw...you want to hold this for 16 years ..i didnt cheat , hit , belittle you ...and you cling to this...that was my limit....sorry long day and needed to vent


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

It's good at least you got it out. Venting helps. 

A human being is like a glass of water - stress is the water, we are the glass. Stress builds up, and up, and up, and eventually we reach a limit. Probably there are HUGE problems that fill our glass and we are able to cope and still have room for more stress/problems...but in the end...all it takes is 1 drop for the entire glass to spill over. Some small inconvenience. That's all it takes. 

Completely understandable.

In my case - my husband would have outbursts and try to kick me out of the house (where I lived unhappily with my in laws), but I stayed. Partly because I thought that's what a good wife does...partly because he apologized...partly because I loved him. My glass had long ago spilled over but I stayed, hoping "one day it will get better, somehow we will clean up this mess!". Even now that we've been separated 8 months, I haven't finished giving him chances to make things right. But I think it's time finally time to empty this glass of all that water, stand upright again, and start fresh. Hopefully with less stress this time...lol.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I don't know for sure what mine was. I've been trying and working on this for so long, and I kept trying and working when I didn't think I wanted it to work any more, because the other alternative is giving up and I didn't want that either. But just this winter, a memory surfaced that I think I must have totally repressed. Had totally forgotten, never ever thought about this one event and the related series of events before that. And when I remembered it, I realized I couldn't ever get back to loving him. It's still hard to talk specifics, I haven't told anyone IRL, though I think I might bring it up in therapy next week. But the short version is, sex was painful for a long time after having kids (like, 2 years a long time. I was nursing and didn't have my cycle back, and in a menopause-like state.) H would refuse to use lube, and we had these endless fights about it. A few times I yelled and pushed him off me because he just wouldn't stop and was hurting me. Finally one night I asked him to stop because it hurt too much (I have a high pain tolerance and I like sex. It ReALLY has to hurt for me to say stop). And, he didn't. I asked again, but for some reason that time I didn't yell or push. I don't know for sure why, but I feel like part of it was that I felt like if it took me pushing or yelling, I wouldn't be able to get past that. Like I needed him to listen and stop on his own. I needed to know if he would. Then when I realized he wasn't, I still didn't do anything. I really don't know why.

Anyway, I totally forgot about the whole thing. This was 4 years ago. Then one day out of the blue, it all came back. Now the thought of ever touching him again makes my skin crawl. I told him and he said he was sorry, he did remember that and felt bad about it, but he never brought it up again. So anyway, that was my final straw. I hope.


----------



## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Mine was her saying she wanted a divorce.


----------



## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

Mine was him saying he was interested in someone else -- again -- and I didn't have that kicked in the gut feeling. Just didn't care anymore who he bedded.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mine was when my ex came home and screamed at me about leaving a sponge in the dishwater. Sounds crazy I know, but he'd been nasty to me for a long time. He would regularly come home from work and demand to know what I did all day, because taking care of a baby and a toddler in addition to working part time and doing everything around the house (including yardwork) wasn't enough. He'd go to work and that's it.....would come home and drink with his friends on our street.

He didn't like that I'd sometimes leave the sponge in the sink after washing dishes, and one day I'd finished some side work I did for extra cash and was putting my report into the computer with the baby and toddler in the room with me. He came home from work, came into the room I was in, gave me the nastiest look and proceeded to scream "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LEAVING THE F%#KING SPONGE IN THE SINK!!!!!", like I was a little kid. That was the moment I decided I was done.

He was shocked when I asked for a divorce. He said he thought we were in this "come hell or high water". Translation: I didn't think it mattered how I treated you because I didn't think you were going anywhere.


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

We did not really have one. My husband was having emotional issues and depression, lots of med changes,,etc for a couple of years. His moods were terrible, he would not talk to me and it was pretty awful. Would not go to counseling with me (he went on his own) and seldom took his meds properly to give them a chance to work. He was miserable and so was I. I wanted to leave him, but not in the state he was in.

So when he emailed me, while I was on a weekend trip visiting my sister, asking me to move out...I grabbed at it and moved into an apartment within days. That was about four months ago. Have not seen or spoken to him since, just emails a few times a month. No unfriendliness. I hope he is getting help and finds a way to be happier, but I have no interest in reconciling. He was always passive/aggressive, ignoring me when he was upset, and it was really upsetting me too. We barely spoke the last year or so-maybe five minutes a day. 

Anyway...no affairs on either side. No blow-out argument. Just over. Not sure how long I would have held on if he had not asked me to move. I fear I may have stayed forever and just stayed miserable.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Uncovering her affair.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Mine was when my youngest DD, she was around ten, was holding his cell phone (with his knowledge and permission) and a text popped up from one of his GF's that said "Of course I love you." My DD asked why daddy loves another woman. I took the phone, marched upstairs and said I want a divorce, get out.

I already knew he was serial cheater, and my older daughter had discovered his on-line sex activities. I thought it was because he was ill. I was a fool.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Mine was out of the blue for me, but looking back I do remember a littl voice in my head about a month before she announced.

It was late and she was playing World of Warcraft with her guild on line. It was about 10:00 and I stood up, turned off the TV and said goodnight. She didnt even look at me because they were doing a group thing. 
I remember walking up the stairs and thinking "I think I might be done". 

It was a fleeting thought and I passed it off as having to do with another WOW addiction that I was aware of that had just come to a divorce.

She woke me up when she came to bed.
I glanced at the clock.
It was 3:30AM.

about a month later she would break up a 19 year friendship and 16 year marriage...by email.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It wasn't any one thing. It was just that the accumulation of years of sexlessness, lack of affection and respect reached a tipping point, and it was easy to see where I stood and what I needed to do to leave.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Mine was out of the blue for me, but looking back I do remember a littl voice in my head about a month before she announced.
> 
> It was late and she was playing World of Warcraft with her guild on line. It was about 10:00 and I stood up, turned off the TV and said goodnight. She didnt even look at me because they were doing a group thing.
> I remember walking up the stairs and thinking "I think I might be done".
> ...


This brings back painful memories.
My husband bought a PS3 one day, and played - oh God, I don't even remember the name of the game anymore, but it caused a lot of suffering lol - all the time. ALL THE TIME when he wasn't at work. He'd come home, go straight to the basement, play until it was dinner time. At bed time, I'd beg him to come sleep beside me - I literally would have to go to the basement sometimes 5 or 6 times, before he'd finish playing. He'd often come to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, sleep an hour and go back to work. We'd go to family get togethers with his eyes blood-shot red because he wouldn't stop playing.

I remember, this happened when I was pregnant. I remember sitting in the basement, with SO MUCH RESENTMENT, just watching him play, and crying to myself. Wondering why he was so addicted. I needed his emotional support because I had found out our daughter had congenital heart disease. He'd promise to come up in 5 minutes...5 minutes would turn into 2 or 3 hours. Every day for 8 months.

Later on when I mentioned it, he got upset and said, "Why do you bring up irrelevant insignificant things?" Like...wow...it was definitely not irrelevant or insignificant. What woman wants to go to bed every night without her husband beside her?! When I'd complain about it to family members, they'd tell me "at least he's not gambling, drinking or womanizing...if he's addicted to something, video games are the best, you should be thankful." :scratchhead: Other times, his mom would hide his controllers. Can you imagine hiding a video game controller from a 32 year old? IT WAS COMICAL! I refused to hide his stuff, I kept telling him and everyone else that he needed to be responsible enough to see the damage it was doing, and stop on his own. In other words: behave like an adult, not a child.

He kicked that addiction but it had changed me a lot. I went from not being able to sleep unless my husband was beside me...to being absolutely annoyed when he DID sleep beside me because I'd gotten used to having the entire bed to myself.

We got past it, eventually - and I was so relieved he finally let it go. 

It's upsetting me to relive this. I'd forgotten it.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

What the eff is it with videogames? WoW is what sent my wife down the rabbit hole.


----------



## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

There were so many, many things that SHOULD have been the final straw...

It came down to abuse of our daughters when I wasn't around - not sexual (I'd have killed him). I had just graduated from school and was at the computer, spreading the news about a new job I just landed. My ex was on his way to work and our youngest (11 at the time) ran up to him to give him a hug as he was walking out the door. He SHOVED her away and yelled "get the f*&k away from me, you've been up my a$$ all day!" And then he left. My youngest burst into tears and cried "daddy doesn't love me anymore."

I realized several things simultaneously; 1) I had a college degree, 2) I had a great job, 3) I didn't need him treating me like a servant or property anymore, 4) the thought of leaving him was a relief.

I left 2.5 months later.

Later I found out I did the right thing. My middle daughter, who has among other issues an eating disorder, was caught by her father sneaking food. He grabbed her, put a plate of food in her lap and made her sit in front of a mirror so she "could see what a pig looked like when it was eating."

Anyway, that was the final straw.


----------



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Mine was 2 weeks ago when he decided it was okay to just go for drinks with the OW cause I can't tell him who he can be friends with. Same day as we restarted our MC and discussed boundaries, just realized I am wasting my time.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Mine was 2 weeks ago when he decided it was okay to just go for drinks with the OW cause I can't tell him who he can be friends with. Same day as we restarted our MC and discussed boundaries, just realized I am wasting my time.


Just wondering... have you exposed the affair to OWH or are you still waiting for the business to sell?


----------



## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

The first straw was me taking up a six figure job 1000 miles away. Yup. Wife did not want the money but husband in the house.
The final straw was not being able to revive marital affection from her side after I moved back after four months landing a local job.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In my case, there were no previous straws, only one. The video.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I knew a week before she did that the OM was going to throw her out. Everyone expected her to come crawling back to me. At that point I probability would have taken her back depending on how honest she would have been. Mind you she was living with him for 4 months already and she still wouldn't admit to living with him or the affair. 

The day Mr perfect threw her out she filed a temp restraining order claiming I broke into his house and stabbed her favorite teddy bear in the heart. She blamed getting thrown out of his house because of this. She would stoop to these kinds of lies was basically it for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I just woke up one day and it hit me that I could no longer live my life that way. Sexless, passionless, just treading water and pretending for the kids that I was happy. All the while the impact of living in such a marriage was starting to impact my health, was losing hair, chest pains and other issues. I woke up that day and told him I wanted a divorce, he was relieved as he was unhappy as I was but is a gutless man and would have lived in this misery till we died, just like his parents did.


----------

