# Can emotional affairs be healthy for a marriage?



## justincases (Mar 17, 2012)

I need some answers.

Married for 10 years, two kids. Husband doesn't pay much attention to me. Never has. For 10 years, I've obssessed over how to get him to love me more, to notice me, to compliment me, just once even... Always dieting, down to a size 00, 97 lbs. 

I just realized recently that I might be in an emotional affair with a co-worker. He has a girlfriend and may not see it that way. But in my eyes, he has gone above and beyond to do nice things for me. Whatever it is, for the first time since I've met my husband, I don't wake up feeling terrible about myself.

I don't intend to take it further, if there is even anything there at all. But how can this be bad when my husband doesn't have to hear me complain anymore about how he is not spending enough time with me, about not remembering important dates, about never noticing me...

I don't mind anymore that he plays video games for 8 hours straight. He's happy that I'm not nagging, and I'm happy because I don't care to nag anymore.

Less tension in the house. Less fighting overall.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Erm 

1) you're cheating
2)you're cheating with a person in a committed relationship
3) your relationship will inevitably "go further"
4) if your husband finds out and files for divorce, you could potentially lose everything including custody of your children.

If you're not content in your marriage do the right thing and leave it without going behind your husband's back.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

One day a man wondered if he could fly. He argued with all his friends who tried to tell him he was delusional and needed help. He decided to show his friends how wrong they were. The man climbed to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to jump off. As he was falling through the air on his way down he was heard to say "So far so good. I guess I showed them."

You are currently passing the 50th floor and headed for a very large impact. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. When your husband finds out you'll feel the effect of what you are doing. When you look into your husband's eyes after D-Day and you see the results of your betrayal you'll wish you really had jumped off a tall building.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

justincases,

You are in a marriage where you feel completely neglected.

The EA is not healthy for the marriage. Sure it has shown you pretty clearly what you need.. Someone who gives you love and attention.

So now you need to find a way to either get that from your husband or leave him so that you can find it from someone who cares enough about you to keep a passionate marriage.

You might want to read the book "Divorce Busting". There is a lot in that book that could help you.

You also need to have a discussion with your husband telling him that you are not going to stay in this marriage if he refuses to work on it with you.

Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They can help you turn things around. Give your marriage a set time period... say 1 year. At the end of the year, if it is not better, then you can say that you did what you could do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

That is some fog, thinking affairs are good for a marriage


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You two do not have a marriage; you are roommates. Getting your emotional needs met from another man will not solve your problems. You are not modelling a good relationship for your children.

Go to marriage counseling. Read His Needs, Her Needs. Figure out how to re-connect with your husband. BTW, weighing 97 pounds is not healthy unless you are under 5 feet tall.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No, EAs don't make marriages better. It just stops communication.

You're cheating. Bad idea.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

No affair is good for a marriage. What you are doing is justifying (or trying to justify) your EA. All cheaters justify their cheating and blame their betrayed spouse.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> One day a man wondered if he could fly. He argued with all his friends who tried to tell him he was delusional and needed help. He decided to show his friends how wrong they were. The man climbed to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to jump off. As he was falling through the air on his way down he was heard to say "So far so good. I guess I showed them."
> 
> You are currently passing the 50th floor and headed for a very large impact. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. When your husband finds out you'll feel the effect of what you are doing. When you look into your husband's eyes after D-Day and you see the results of your betrayal you'll wish you really had jumped off a tall building.



Bey,

Wow. That should make it clear to anyone. Bravo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was just like your husband, and according to my wife you will not like your self after you sleep with him. Yes you will, it starts out just like this but it will end in sex and then he will bail.

Then you even feel worse, that you got tricked. But years will go by and it will get easier and you will mask the pain some how. and it will snowball in to a unhealthy behavior of serial cheating. See you will start to think that is all you diserve and all that you are good for.

As your husband continues to ignore you and years from now you continue to go out and pick up strang the both of you will have this resentment that in both your minds justifies this sh!tty treatment you have towards each other and it will continue for years as the both of you do your own things.

#1 you are finding an extra maritial affair to validate your self worth, and you are looking at this as "he likes me and I want him to like me" But a healthy way to look at this is to tell your self what do I see in this person that makes him a good partner................... wait I forgot your married, you allready have a partner ( sort of ) you just want to use the coworker.

Think about leaving your husband and then go find someone that has the characteristics that make for a good partner instead of finding a guy like your husband were you were so worried about him liking you you settled for his crap and married him.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

justincases said:


> Less tension in the house. Less fighting overall.


Look up the term "rationalization hamster". Thats what you are doing.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Rationalizing is a good way to describe this. When does a mistake ever fix a problem?

To the OP eventually you will get your wish. Your husband will wake up and realize he's lost you. He will may even give you the attention you so desire but it will be too late. Because by then this will have gone physical. There is no turning back once that happens.

Have you considered that there are other ways, healthy ways, to get your needs met?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It almost sounds like you are indeed planning to go further with the OM, and you are looking for justification.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

EA's can be more damaging than PA's. I suggest MC. You may not realize it but you are building resentment and detaching from your marriage. Nothing good can come from an EA.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife went this route also,I admitt I was'nt meeting quite a few of her needs,she now admitts the same about herself.Talk it out with your hubby,write it all down and give him the letter so he can read and re-read it and think about it.
MC is a must also,we were in MC while she was having her EA and no matter what I did to improve myself it was'nt good enough,I knew there was someone else but could'nt really prove it until under some intense questioning she finally admitted it.OM was a loser owned nothing,not even a vehicle,he had the gift of gab tho,told her what she wanted to hear and complimented her over and over,he was out for one thing.This was way out of character for my wife and she never would have taken it further either but it kept growing,so dont say you dont intend to take it further,it will.
We are in our 8th week of R and its getting better but it takes work,we are both meeting eachothers needs,if her EA would have went PA there would be no "fixing" us.
Cut it off with the OM and tell your husband,hopefully he can forgive,I hade to find forgiveness in me in order for us to keep moving foward,its still hard,the kids know as does just about everybody else,a lot of damage has been done but we are repairing it.
She found out the hard way the grass isnt greener,in fact,any relationship with the other man would have been so much worse than what we had.
Youre going down a bad road here and you aregoing full speed,ignoring all the "road closed ahead" signs...youre not even applying the breaks.You will come to the end of the road at full steam and crash and burn.Stop now,turn around and go back to hubby
She was so far gone in the fog,the fairy tail, that she did'nt see the reprcussions of her actions,losing me,the kids,the house and she would have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justincases (Mar 17, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I really needed that. The honest comments just gave me a dose of reality.


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