# I am here because I don’t know what to do



## charliehorse (Apr 10, 2021)

Hello,

Man, I don’t know where I should start...

My husband and I got married in 2012. We moved to a new area that I didn’t like right after we got married. I couldn’t find a job, I got rejected from a college program, my best friend back home died and I never got to say goodbye. I started to get really depressed and I wanted to move back to be closer with family. I was very lonely. My husband had a great paying job though and an opportunity to advance his career so we had to stay. I started thinking about what I wanted in my life and going to therapy. I brought up the idea of starting a family but my husband said that we should wait since I was still going to therapy. I asked him if we could at least start before I turned 30; he said of course.

2 years later we finally moved but again to an area that I didn’t want to live in. He got another promotion so he didn’t want to pass it up and I didn’t want him to miss out on that. I told him if we moved though, I really wanted to settle down, buy a house, and start a family. He agrees. Well after we move, I find out that the move is actually not a promotion and my husband gets a pay cut so I find a job. I actually really like where I am working and I like the people I work with. I’m also making enough where we can afford to buy a house and start a family.

When I say I want to start, my husband says he isn’t ready, since we just moved. Instead, he starts drinking a lot. Hiding alcohol around the house. I find hidden credit card statements with hundreds of dollars of buying alcohol. He starts watching porn and our sex life and affection starts to go down. After about 4 months of this I tell him we have to go to marriage counseling so we do.

Basically, it goes in cycles. He stops doing his behavior, things are really good, then it starts again. After dealing with this for 2 more years, I finally leave to separate. I stay with family across country for a month. During that time he apologizes and says he is going to change. I love him so I go back.

Everything is great for a year. Best we have ever been. He brings up starting to have a family. I am so excited. Covid happens, we have a baby, we both lose our jobs, our house, and make another cross country move where he finds a job.

During that time he starts drinking again and is a huge asshole. I have postpartum depression which doesn’t help anything at all. We stop all affection. We stop talking to each other. It just gets bad. Everyone tells us it is a lot of stress at once and to keep

While I am individual, I go into more detail about our relationship, and my therapist mentions that she thinks there may be some mental and emotional abuse in the relationship. She encourages me to set boundaries and to stick to them.

So I suggest marriage counseling and I also go to individual therapy. We go to 5 different counselors because my husband hates all of them. He gets mad at me anytime I try to bring up issues in our marriage because I’m making him look bad. The counselors tell him he needs individual therapy but he refuses to go. He stops going to marriage counseling. 


Now we are just in limbo. I’ve been keeping the boundaries but it seems like that’s creating more problems...It’s like the cycle has started again. It will seem like things are getting back to normal, then it crashes, and repeats.

I’m having a hard time because I waited a long time to have a family with this person. I waited because I wanted him to be ready too. I waited because I wanted our relationship to be at a good place. I waited because I wanted our children to have stability. I went past my age cut off because I really wanted to have a child and I really thought it could work.

Now I feel exhausted. I have tried my best to support my husband and whatever he wanted to do. I really tried to put his needs first. I also know I am not perfect, and I am prone to depression and anxiety. I know that can be draining on a person and I really, really have been working on it. Especially now after having my daughter.

I feel like there is no way forward. I feel like I have ruined the life that I wanted; and wanted my daughter to have.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A broken leg is draining for the person with the broken leg. 

I’m am saddened when people suffering with depression and anxiety feel they are a drain on a person. What a drain it must be to suffer like this but still keep going, still keep trying! Against all the odds! Don’t feel sorry for the healthy person. 

That is all I’m going to say.


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