# Struggles 10-16-12



## MRLsick (Oct 15, 2012)

Here is my story! Hoping for some help! TIA.

When I found the text Set. 6th and seen his respone (only one there) some thing like "you crack me up" (also my Daughters Birthday) there were no less than 3 I Love Yous from him! Wife says its not that way..

I find him on FB in the middle of this night since I didnt sleep and send him a message, not sure what it said. For some reason I go to wifes computer and check her FB to see if I can find some thing, what 8to did find is she had his FB logged in. The morning of the 7th I ask her why was his FB loaded? She said I thought you would message him, which I did then deleted. So the way I see it SHE WAS PROTECTING THE POS. Truly amazing.

We talked it over, over the weekend and there was to much talked about to mention it all here. I was a mess and all over the place! She assured me it was an EA and not PA and it has been going on for a couple of months. I was not to concerned since he is in Tennesee.

The answer for her reason was our lifes have gone apart. We have 3a children, 20, 17 and 9. We have been married for over 21the yrs and dated for 3 or 4 prior to marriage. (High school sweet heart)

I tend to believe our marriage did grow apart, I was busy running a business, she was busy raising a family, I also know now she was lacking communication from me and other things, I did not mean to do this, it just happened. I was busy trying to work, bring home big money for the big house, camper, trips, heck everything. If I would have known I would have worked much less.

I noticed a few months back my phone bill went through the roof, this did not bother to much since she got a new smart phone too. Once I found that text I went online and created an account so I could see my statements, what I saw blew my mind!

The first contact with OM was 3-14-12. It really started in April. So I go back and forth look through the last few months and she averaged 4000 min on voice and 100 text prior to April. The reason for the high voice was all with her close friend and I know they talked alot. What is crazy after April her voice minutes went down, cut in half. Her text went to 1800 or so. I could see she talked way less to her friend and 1500 or so to OM on text and voice and was running close each month after.

I really scrwed up by telling her I could see all of the contact with him, I would not have done that but I was sick and fighting for my W. Anyways they talked a few short time till Monday, maybe three or four time and ten minutes at a time till Monday. 

So on Moday the 10th I got her phone and texted him, he would not answer, finally he said call me you have mu number, so I did. We talked a little bit about what was going on and how he could love my W, he said he has loved her since JR high school. He assured me they were just talking and there is no more to it, he also told me his marriage was about over, they lasted about as long as us. I also asked how long my W was saying I Love You to him, he said a couple of months. Remember I only seen his one text, I asked because my W said she never did, now it is, its not like that?? Really..LOL.

So Tuesday the W and I talk, I asked if she could let go of him so we could work on it us? She said yes. So I am trying to move forward on our M.

So jump forward here alot. So I contacted a close business friend, a supplier for me that has been through this recently, he recommend MC and went through three to find this one. So I called and got an appoitment for Septenber 19, i told my W about it and wanted to know if she would go? She said I cant answer that in five minutes, I left it alone. The night before I mentioned it and if she was going, she said she would so it would help me though my problem, not the answer I was looking for but still meant alot she was.

We went to the MC and she is great, very good at what she does. She taught us female and male dont think a like, this really helped me in seeing what she was lacking in me, also made me see I was also lacking a few things from her I never realized too. We got to the end of our meeting, she wanted to schedule our next, the best part is my W and I did it together! This was great for me.

So since then we have spent quality time together and have been on a few dates recommended by MC and working on rebuilding our M stronger than ever. I was even getting them warm fuzzy feelings one gets when first meeting.

Fast forward again. On October 8 just after a great weekend and a great Sunday date I go to work Monday. One of my workers are moving and noticed my W going into the house next door. When he gets to work he asked me who we knew there, I told him I am not sure? Nothing really regestered for a few minuts and then it hit me, I have to go see. I drove over and parked next door, called her phone and got no answer, a few minutes later she walks out with a man. As far as I can figure she was there an hour.

I walk over there, they seen me coming, he goes back in the house, I am like who the H is this? She comes back with, its not what you think, I did not have sex. I walk around her looking for signs of sex, bed head what ever, smell and such, I would say there was none.

So we go talk, I ask her who is that? She says Mark, I am like Mark? Now its Matt in Tennesee and Mark in our home town? WTH! I wanted to know how many times she has been there, she said a few times and assures me its not what you think? Really? WOW. So I am spinning cant talk no more, get in my truck, go next door, knock on the door and no one will come. I look at the car and I see a TENNESEE plate? I open door screem Matt get out here and he did.... Now the OM in Tennesee is in my home town (witch he is from here and gaduated from here)we I ask him how long have you been here, he says a couple of months but going back soon to see his Daughter (he leaves his daughter? Really?)things he also assure me ther is nothing more than talk, wow and that he has nothing to do with our problems... wow. I reminded him the few months they have been talking was more like over six months, I also reminded him how long they talked and how many times they text. I told him you are involved with our problems!

So now it has changed, he is here, I am now sick again and not sleeping, I have lost 20LB in the last month, and thats about what I was over, I am now slim but unhealthy in many ways.

So that night I ask W why were you there? After the last few weeks we have been heading in the right direction for us and yesterday we had a great date. (Which we did) you also told me you had NC?

She said I really dont now why, I was going to the store and seen his car there and I pulled in, thats what I got!?1 she said we just talked about how things were going! Really! So I asked if there was NC since you when you told me you were done? She said she replied to a few EMails from him and that they were more just to make sure every thing was ok?! Really! Upset me she didn't tell me!

So a couple days later we are back with MC and this is our topic of course, she said you must break off all contact with him if your willing to rebuild, wife agreed, MC said send the NC letter today, we did from her phone by text, I had given her his number since she delete all contacts with him a few weeks ago along with FB. We sent it, he replied "I understand and will respect your wishs"

Since then I have had a very hard time since I know he is in our home town! I go up and down multiple times in a day, I now can't seem to get ride of the gut reching, which it was going away before I knew he was here. I know if he was here for as long as he says, they did a lot of phone and texring, which leads me to believe she was not at the house a lot. Another thought I have on this, did the EA go PA since he is here, I don't know, I really don't. We go to MC tomorrow and hope this helps.

I always looked at my W as being on a pedestal, she has been a stay at home Mom with our kids and has done a great job second to nine. Our house is always clean, laundry is done campers always clean, dinner and everything else, and it is all BIG! She a very good person (not for this) but in every other aspect. She is a good thinker, not much grey area, more black and white.

I honestly believe had I known what I know now about how to make her happy and what's she needs from me we would not be here.

I am not saying what she did was right, I am just saying if she was happy she would have never talked to the OM. 

She has given me all of her passwords to ALL acounts back the last time she told me she went NC. I know how did she get EMails? She said through the one she has, she tells me no other EMails..

What scares me now, is the OM is in our home town, is there another EMail? Is there a hidden phone? I don't know, all I know is I have dug deep for them and found nothing. She says if he contacts her she will save for me to see, I hope it is soon, because I am sure he will, or I think he will? 

I have known this woman since she was 15 and now she is 44. I know for a fact she has been faithfull to me since this, I have also been faithfull to her. My problem is the lies since this started! It is crazy that I had to find this and her not come to me after that long, it really hurts!

Another thing I am dealing with is this OM knows my life now, he knows all about me, my kids, my wife and family, it makes me sick. It also bothers me she says he helped me through a lot of my problems since I had know one to talk to, and that he never said any bad words about me or any of us. I AM A SALESMAN AND A GOOD ONE, I THINK HE IS TOO!

With all of this said, my question is what do I do from here? How do I get ride of OM in my gut, even if he is out, he is in my gut! She still does MC and so do I together, I would rather rebuild our marriage then to lose it. I also can not live with. The feelings I have inside myself, I have never been a jealose man but now I can't stop..

Sorry for the miss spelling and grammer, I am on my phone and spell check stinks!

TIA....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Observe.
MC and IC.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Have you gotten a keylogger for the computer ( she may have a email you dont know about) and a VAR for the car?


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## Bricko (Sep 1, 2012)

MRLsick said:


> I am not saying what she did was right, I am just saying if she was happy she would have never talked to the OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry MrLsick for what you are going through because I know it is scary and painful.

I would like to say that even if is only an EA (emotional affair), this is not something that you did that brought her to begin an EA with another man outside of your marriage. Did she give you any indications that she was unhappy before the EA started? She may not have been happy but that does not give any spouse the right to begin an EA.

The evidence you described of her coming out of the house with the OM, sounds pretty bad. Are you absolutely sure the affair did not go physical?

For the most part you will find excellent advice here. I have found it very useful and helpful for myself


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Face this crap head on. I suggest you do the research and find out as much as you can obout OM.

I also suggest you plant some VAR (voice activated recorders) and even some hidden cams. My thinking here is that if you are more in the "know" ......have the tools to keep track of things around the house and know who the OM is it may help you.

I think the unkown is killing you so get educated and take the steps to give you some piece of mind. Who knows, the things you find out may give you the validation that you need to take the next step.

Knowledge is power.

Have you exposed this to her family? Exposure helps make the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue or start back up.
The OM may even have a GF back home and you could expose the affair that way also....even OM family should be exposed. Exposure is also a consequences that your WW should face. Having an extra set of eyes on your wife by exposing the affair may also give you piece of mind.

These affairs are addicting so you still have your work cut out for you by taking the step to prevent the affair to start up again.

Have you asked your wife what she is doing as an individual to affair proof her marriage? The NC helps but she needs to take the step as an individual to understand why she has this behavior and learn the tools to prevent it again.

Handling a bad marriage or dealing with ones unhappiness by behaving with deciet and lies is unhealthy. Your old lady needs help with that, and being the best husband in the world won't fix her issues she has about her self. 

I'm thinking once you get the information about who the OM is you might find the levage to get him out of town....especially if everyone knows he is after a married women. So do a back round check and see if you can get the goods on OM .....he might find that its is not worth the effort to screw with you if you find some dirt on him.

I also suggest you contact his wife or ex wife and ask her for her support for your marriage and see if she can bring more light to who this guy is and what he is all about. The information you get from OMxW might help your cause in running this guy out of town.


Again knowledge is power, know your enemy!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry, wrong thread


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## MRLsick (Oct 15, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Observe.
> MC and IC.


MC tomorrow will be our 5th week., I will try IC. Thanks.


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## MRLsick (Oct 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> Face this crap head on. I suggest you do the research and find out as much as you can obout OM.
> 
> I also suggest you plant some VAR (voice activated recorders) and even some hidden cams. My thinking here is that if you are more in the "know" ......have the tools to keep track of things around the house and know who the OM is it may help you.
> 
> ...


I have thought about the VAR and keylogger. It will happen soon!

We really have no family left, we both lost our parents.

We talk alot about what happened and she is the one that brought up, I will text you during the day and let you know where I am if that helps, and she does.

I will contact X Wife, good Idea.


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## MRLsick (Oct 15, 2012)

Bricko said:


> Sorry MrLsick for what you are going through because I know it is scary and painful.
> 
> I would like to say that even if is only an EA (emotional affair), this is not something that you did that brought her to begin an EA with another man outside of your marriage. Did she give you any indications that she was unhappy before the EA started? She may not have been happy but that does not give any spouse the right to begin an EA.
> 
> ...


Yes, she did try to tell me she wasnt happy, I just didnt understand what she was looking for. With MC I can see where I went wrong. NO, I do not agree, no matter how bad it was she should have never went into a EA. I have told her, maybe I was only 40/60 of our marriage, but you are 100% at fault for the EA.

And no, I am not sure it didnt go to PA, I really dont.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MRLsick said:


> Yes, she did try to tell me she wasnt happy, I just didnt understand what she was looking for. With MC I can see where I went wrong. NO, I do not agree, no matter how bad it was she should have never went into a EA. I have told her, maybe I was only 40/60 of our marriage, but you are 100% at fault for the EA.
> 
> And no, I am not sure it didnt go to PA, I really dont.


Yep trust but verify for now 2 vars in the house 1 var in the car hope you find nothing.


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## MRLsick (Oct 15, 2012)

Thank You!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Think about having her take a polygraph test to prove it wasn;t a PA.

Even her responce to this suggestion can be telling.

Sex is the currency for the affair, this POS left his kid and it wasn't just for the friendship your wife offered. 

Your wife on the other hand paid for this frienship to continue and it wasn't with good conversation.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

the guy said:


> Face this crap head on. I suggest you do the research and find out as much as you can obout OM.
> 
> I also suggest you plant some VAR (voice activated recorders) and even some hidden cams. My thinking here is that if you are more in the "know" ......have the tools to keep track of things around the house and know who the OM is it may help you.
> 
> ...


Hidden cams would be a felony/misdemeanor. so that is a no go there. Var's on the other hand go for it. Remember this isn't about the OM, it is about getting your wife back in the marriage. The OM is just some guy really. It wouldn't matter if he was your best friend or your worst enemy. Cheating is cheating and your wife is doing that. She is walking all over your marriage, its boundaries, and your trust. 

At this point you need to set boundaries in stone.

1)NO contact with the OM.
2)She sends the OM a letter or text saying they will not longer communicate. This is not to be done over the phone or via instant message. It is not a conversation it is a statement. She doesn't need to "let him off easy", or "help him get over all this." It needs to be sent and then communication of any form ceases.
3) Inform your wife that you are pursuing divorce, and if you have the money get a lawyer and have the process started. 
Starting the D process is just a message, or a wake up call, you can stop the D at any point.
4) Expose, expose, expose, expose, to friends, family on both sides, the OM wife and anyone else involved with you two. 
Exposure pressures the OM, it pressures you wife, removes any support system she had, it will expose toxic friends that enabled or support her behavior, and it will give you a support system that will help you. 
5) Make a list of things your wife needs to do in order to prove to you that she is willing to end the A. And work on fixing the marriage. If she is not willing to do both then proceed with D. Because if she won't try to fix the marriage then you end up right back where you were before the A. Except now you don't trust your wife at all. 


I think you are not going to like what comes out because I am pretty certain things have or had gotten physical. I say this to prepare you. Not to scare you.

You need to understand that your wife is not in her right mind. The best way to describe it is to say she is an addict to the rush of a new relationship. Much like a cocaine addict is addicted to the rush of a the drug. Both cocaine and Affairs elicit similar reactions in the brain except cocaine is much more potent.
The only way to snap your wife out of this ridiculous fantasy is to inject massive amounts of reality into the mix. It is hard to maintain the fantasy of living in a stable home while pursuing an Affair while you marriage is falling apart.


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