# Am I wrong to feel exasperated?



## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Before you respond, please bear in mind that this is a cultural fix I'm in.

I am a 30 yr old man who has been married for almost four years now. My wife and I briefly dated, then we got married. We currently live in Vancouver, BC.

My wife often complains about how she will be told by all quarters during our India trip later this year, even from members of her family, that she should be living at our house during our trip, i.e. where I live with my parents as is the norm in India. In other words, she's pointing fingers at the patriarchal family structure of Indian society where the wife is expected to live with her husband and his family, and not the other way around.

I understand she has a fair point and I fully sympathize with her. However, she keeps bringing this up OVER AND OVER again. I am bored witless, especially since there's nothing that can be done to solve the situation. I will of course live with my parents and expect her to live with me. For the record, I am their only surviving child, and they are pretty traditional people.

Today I told her out of exasperation, why she hadn't told me about such concerns of hers before we got married? To that she took offence. But she knew full well BEFORE we got married that I had no wish of not living with my parents. I had made that very clear, and she never even suggested otherwise then.

My question is, am I wrong to feel exasperated when my wife acts like this? Part of my frustration is also due to the fact that she has misbehaved terribly with my parents in the past, and until VERY recently she was pretty much a horrible person to live with (long story, here).


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Hard to say on a cultural matter, but unless your parents are terrible inlaws, or treat her badly, don't really get it. I am all for female power but I hardly see this one as a step back for women...

I guess to judge anything about it, would need more of HER perspective and reasoning


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

I'd point you to our marital problems. Might provide some insight into what kind of people my parents are, among other things.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Once again - you have a need and she has a different need. And she expects you to do what she wants. And is attempting to emotionally wear you down by attrition to get you to give in. 

The interesting thing is - even a normal strong willed person who is FAIR, would do something very helpful in this situation. 

They would say Ackroy, I don't want to go. However I know that you must, and also that I have not been a good daughter to your parents. So I have some bad behavior to "make up" for. A religious person would call these "acts of contrition". 

But you see, your W does not think like that. She just doesn't. She sees why she is right - and then explains to you why that means you are wrong. 



akcroy said:


> I'd point you to our marital problems. Might provide some insight into what kind of people my parents are, among other things.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

How interesting that I should find this post - I had completely forgotten about it. Anyway, here's my current situation.

I'm at my lowest point of self-esteem. My wife is yet to have sex with me (the one and only time we had sex during our 4-yr marriage, if you may remember, was when I threatened to leave her). However, I can't really put it that way since she's the one who's wanted to have sex of late; I'm the one who turned her down.

It's just that deep down I can't forgive her for having ignored me so profoundly and for so long. I end up thinking, why is she interested in me now? And I feel very angry. Besides, all the bad memories - the way she mistreated my parents, etc - come back flooding my senses.

Another concern of mine is I still don't know if she really understands what she's done wrong. Now she's repentant and clearly wants to make an effort, but when things are working out she'll start talking in a negotiating tone, chalking out her own boundary in advance in preparation for my parents' next visit, and not being up for sex even when I want(ed) to. I kept feeling like I was an elastic band, being tugged and let go, tugged and let go ad infinitum. 

All those things finally seem to have gotten to me. I feel like a depressed, asexual human being. My head hurts. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I take refuge in oversleeping and overeating. I don't even feel like talking to my parents, who await the sound of my voice fervently. At the same time I feel sorry for my wife - today I explained my situation to her, and I just couldn't bear to look at her face. Nevertheless I'm always so angry I don't feel like talking to her very much.

What on earth am I supposed to do? What the hell have I become?

I'm thinking of doing couples therapy but it might be too late already.

Thanks to everyone for responding.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think you're necessarily wrong to feel exasperated, but then again...is this the first time this situation will be happening? It's possible that she didn't really think about it before and now that she has, she's realized that for whatever reason she doesn't want to be in their house.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> It's possible that she didn't really think about it before and now that she has, she's realized that for whatever reason she doesn't want to be in their house.


Whose house do you mean? As for the situation, I think my life has been going through loops for quite some time now.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

akcroy said:


> Whose house do you mean? As for the situation, I think my life has been going through loops for quite some time now.


Your parents, since what I read here seemed to be about their house. 

I was a little distracted when I wrote that reply, so I don't think I quite said what I meant. 

Sometimes thinking about something when it's not an immediate prospect (having your future husband tell you he wants to live with his parents, or stay with them on vacation or whatever), it doesn't seem like a big deal. You think you can handle it when the time comes. 

But then, when that time comes and it's no longer an abstract thought but a concrete reality, you realize that you really don't want to or can't do it. 

That was why I asked if this was the first time you would be staying with them. If so, then it's possible that she's now realized that though she thought she was ok with it, she's really not. 

If it's happened before, and she does this every time, combined with everything else you've described, it might just be time to accept that you two are very, very different from each other and either learn to deal with it or move on.


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