# Not seeing eye to eye



## Confused wife

This has been going on for years...My husband think that when my daughter turned 18 and out of school, she should be supporting herself and I do agree. But she will not keep a job..when she doesn't have a job we take the car and cell phone from her (car is in our name and we are making payments- makes my husband mad). We have had several fights over this and usually we don't argue. Ok, now my daughter is 22 and 3 months, and the boyfriend a month ago had a wreck and broke his back. He has a good job but wont be able to work for 6 months..Here the latest fight with my husband, i pay her car payment and he wants to take the car and cell phone from her. She needs both in case she needs something. We haven't talk for 3 days now..i'm tired of these fights, which we don't really fight he just wont talk to me. I have issues with depression and anxiety and I can't deal with this and worrying about my daughter.I know I should be harder with her but I wasn't raised that way..My mom was always there for me..My husband was raised to be out on your own at 18. And my daughter thinks her dad hates her.
How do I get a happy medium..


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## Runs like Dog

27 is the new 18. No seriously, it is. I support 3 young adults; 19, 22 and 25. Only the eldest is in any position to be self sufficient. I own his home, he pays nominal rent. I cover everything else including car insurance, phone, tuition, expenses, etc. All 3 are in school. 

It's just the way it is now.


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## lisa3girls

Runs like Dog said:


> 27 is the new 18. No seriously, it is. I support 3 young adults; 19, 22 and 25. Only the eldest is in any position to be self sufficient. I own his home, he pays nominal rent. I cover everything else including car insurance, phone, tuition, expenses, etc. All 3 are in school.
> 
> It's just the way it is now.


Are you kidding me? The OPer is saying the girls is 22 and doesn't keep a job. If she lives at home, she should at least be able to pay for her own car and cell phone. I can see why her husband is pissed off.


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## lisa3girls

Confused wife said:


> This has been going on for years...My husband think that when my daughter turned 18 and out of school, she should be supporting herself and I do agree. But she will not keep a job..when she doesn't have a job we take the car and cell phone from her (car is in our name and we are making payments- makes my husband mad). We have had several fights over this and usually we don't argue. Ok, now my daughter is 22 and 3 months, and the boyfriend a month ago had a wreck and broke his back. He has a good job but wont be able to work for 6 months..Here the latest fight with my husband, i pay her car payment and he wants to take the car and cell phone from her. She needs both in case she needs something. We haven't talk for 3 days now..i'm tired of these fights, which we don't really fight he just wont talk to me. I have issues with depression and anxiety and I can't deal with this and worrying about my daughter.I know I should be harder with her but I wasn't raised that way..My mom was always there for me..My husband was raised to be out on your own at 18. And my daughter thinks her dad hates her.
> How do I get a happy medium..


Did your daughter go to college? If not why not? 

I would NOT support an adult kid who was neither working nor going to college. At 22 I lived in my own apartment, had a college degree, was paying off my own college loans and paying my own car payment. 

Does your daughter live at home? If so, does she pay rent? It isn't so much about 'being there' for her, it is about teaching her how to be independent. At 22 I wouldn't have WANTED my parents paying for me...and no I am not THAT old.


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## Runs like Dog

lisa3girls said:


> Are you kidding me? The OPer is saying the girls is 22 and doesn't keep a job. If she lives at home, she should at least be able to pay for her own car and cell phone. I can see why her husband is pissed off.


Jobs aren't that easy to get and keep nowadays. I'm getting them all through school on my dime no debt so they can start out free and clear. After that, I hope they will be on their own. 

My niece has to work three part times to pay her own way. She's not in school and graduating probably wouldn't have made any difference. Times are tough out there. Sure it's ok to be pissed off at your kids and call them slackers, but they're YOUR kids.


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## lisa3girls

Runs like Dog said:


> Jobs aren't that easy to get and keep nowadays. I'm getting them all through school on my dime no debt so they can start out free and clear. After that, I hope they will be on their own.
> 
> My niece has to work three part times to pay her own way. She's not in school and graduating probably wouldn't have made any difference. Times are tough out there. Sure it's ok to be pissed off at your kids and call them slackers, but they're YOUR kids.


I think some kids ARE slackers...because we let them be. I am fine with supporting kids while in school, I am fine with letting them live at home, I am not fine with letting them not go to school, not work, live and home and NOT pay for anything...you can live at home and pay for a car and cell phone with a waitressing gig.


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## magnoliagal

I'm old school if my kids want a car or a cell phone then they will have to get a job. Supporting them means food, clothing, shelter and reasonable transportation to places like school and work. Cars and cell phones are luxuries.

I worked 2 jobs to support myself and moved out at 18. And yes I bought my own car. My goal with my kids is to NOT make life so easy while at home so they will leave. My parents did this. I can remember being in high school and even with simple things like clothes. They provided a basic wardrobe and if I wanted more I had to earn money for it which I did. I think parents today do too much for their kids money wise and as a result there is no motivation for them to work. Watched my sister do this with her oldest. That kid now has serious entitlement issues, can't hold a job and is lazy.


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## lisa3girls

magnoliagal said:


> I'm old school if my kids want a car or a cell phone then they will have to get a job. Supporting them means food, clothing, shelter and reasonable transportation to places like school and work. Cars and cell phones are luxuries.
> 
> I worked 2 jobs to support myself and moved out at 18. And yes I bought my own car. My goal with my kids is to NOT make life so easy while at home so they will leave. My parents did this. I can remember being in high school and even with simple things like clothes. They provided a basic wardrobe and if I wanted more I had to earn money for it which I did. I think parents today do too much for their kids money wise and as a result there is no motivation for them to work. Watched my sister do this with her oldest. That kid now has serious entitlement issues, can't hold a job and is lazy.


Yep, some good friends of ours have a grown daughter (27) who live in a house with her boyfriend (his house), has a college degree and they are still paying for her cell phone and her college loans....and yes she has a professional FT job. Her mom is on total permanent disability...I would have felt like a jerk doing that do my parents.


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## Jimmy58

For what it's worth, I stayed at home till my late 20's but I bought my own car from the money I earned and I contributed to the household bills to my parents, there was a time when I was out of work but I still found part time jobs to be able to "pay my way". In my opinion, by providing youngsters with things they can't afford to pay for themselves has trouble written all over it when you try to take it away later on. I'm Sorry but I'm afraid you've only got yourself to blame by giving your daughter these things in the first place.


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## Mom6547

Confused wife said:


> This has been going on for years...My husband think that when my daughter turned 18 and out of school, she should be supporting herself and I do agree. But she will not keep a job..when she doesn't have a job we take the car and cell phone from her (car is in our name and we are making payments- makes my husband mad). We have had several fights over this and usually we don't argue. Ok, now my daughter is 22 and 3 months, and the boyfriend a month ago had a wreck and broke his back. He has a good job but wont be able to work for 6 months..Here the latest fight with my husband, i pay her car payment and he wants to take the car and cell phone from her. She needs both in case she needs something.


You are enabling her. She can get her own car. And while you are at it, drop kick her out the door. 

Seriously, why would she feel she needs to keep a job if Mommy still takes care of her. You are doing her no favors.




> We haven't talk for 3 days now..i'm tired of these fights, which we don't really fight he just wont talk to me. I have issues with depression and anxiety and I can't deal with this and worrying about my daughter.I know I should be harder with her but I wasn't raised that way..My mom was always there for me..My husband was raised to be out on your own at 18. And my daughter thinks her dad hates her.
> How do I get a happy medium..


You don't. You are in the wrong here and doing your daughter no favors by coddling her.


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## WhereAmI

She doesn't need the car, sell it! Why can't she have a vehicle that doesn't require a payment? A vehicle more suited to the pay at the job she does or doesn't hold? Someone working fast food, who pays for their own needs, would likely have a car that costs $2,000-$3,000. That's all she needs. She should make her own insurance payments as well and you should LET her default if she doesn't pay. If you don't let children learn from experience, they just.won't.learn.

Being there for your children isn't about saving them every time they're in a bind. Sometimes it means letting them find their own way. Unfortunately you're having to do this later in life when she's used to being spoiled, but it needs to be done. Expect some backlash.


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## Lazarus

Times have changed and it is very difficult for kids to break free from their parents and home since rent, real estate homes cost so much and salaries haven't kept up with living costs and jobs are more scarce at the moment. 

Your husband and yourself have got to stop taking sides with your daughter, one for, the other against. Sit down calmly as husband and wife and unite in your approach towards your daughter.

Write down on paper what you both want for her as individuals, short term, medium and long term. Switch over papers and then see what you can both compromise on. Then together, set a meeting with your daughter and say your father and I would like you to ....(whatever you both agreed on as it means you are both united together in what you are suggesting as a solution to your daughter).

Take the heat out of the situation. You are allowing a child, young adult to become between you.

Ask your daughter to put a note in writing to say what she wants and what is possible given her current circumstances.

If parents are at loggerheads and can't agree, this adds more pressure to a young person in need of help from their parents. 

If on the other hand it is a case of can work, but won't work then both mom and dad need to be firm that she has to start proving that she is trying to be independent of her parents apron strings.


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## Mom6547

Lazarus said:


> Times have changed and it is very difficult for kids to break free from their parents and home since rent, real estate homes cost so much and salaries haven't kept up with living costs and jobs are more scarce at the moment.


That is a load of whooey. While these challenges do exist, simply doing for your adult child is not the answer. I can see scaffolding, though by 20 seriously she should know how to hit the pavement hard. What is REALLY going on "nowadays" is that we are raising a generation of entitled, spoiled people.


Just my opinion.


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## lisa3girls

Mom6547 said:


> That is a load of whooey. While these challenges do exist, simply doing for your adult child is not the answer. I can see scaffolding, though by 20 seriously she should know how to hit the pavement hard. What is REALLY going on "nowadays" is that we are raising a generation of entitled, spoiled people.
> 
> 
> Just my opinion.


I tend to agree...I graduated college in the early 80s--- it was UGLY, interest rates were SKY high, and the first job I landed was practically minimum wage---and I lived within my means because I had to....old car (no payments), small apartment with roommates, no cell phone of course-- and I paid a college loan. 

There is no excuse for living at home and not paying for your own car, gas and cell phone...none.


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## bitl

you need to put you foot down, your daughter needs to start helping out and keep a job. she's old enough to understand the situation. you can still help her but she needs to start paying for things. my parents help me but i'm doing my part too. my H and I both have jobs, pay our bills and rent. my parents help with groceries bc they want to. My H and i do their house work now n then as a thank you.


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## Runs like Dog

Well whatever our individual views on the matter, you can always resort to "It's my house my rules" and just demand she get herself together.


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## Mrs.G

I moved out of my parents house with nothing but the clothes on my back. I was 21 and tired of being treated like a teenager; I had no freedom, but much more chores than my brothers.

I lived a very meager life, but it was exhilarating to have my independence. It was very healing and empowering. I got out of that sleepy suburb and embraced the big city life. I was no longer stifled by rigidly sexist ideals. I worked low paying jobs until I got myself into the best university in Canada. I paid with provincial bursaries. Right at the beginning of school, I broke my arm and had to go back home. 

When I could work again, my mother expected me to pay rent. I refused because I was once again being restricted. Parents cannot expect rent, if they still think that they can give 25 year olds a curfew.


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## Lazarus

Mom6547 said:


> That is a load of whooey. While these challenges do exist, simply doing for your adult child is not the answer. I can see scaffolding, though by 20 seriously she should know how to hit the pavement hard. What is REALLY going on "nowadays" is that we are raising a generation of entitled, spoiled people.
> 
> 
> Just my opinion.


I agree there is a generation of spoiled kids, but not all kids are spoiled and it is difficult for many families in this period of hard times. This is not the 80's either as another pointed out. It is no longer an easy land full of milk and honey and "It's a wonderful life".

If you noticed the cavaet in my post, "won't work" that should have dealt with the young adult that felt entitled and spoiled.

The problem here is the parents are arguing when they should be agreeing together how to tackle this situation jointly, otherwise their daughter puts at risk a normally happy marriage because she is becoming a source of friction.


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## Mrs.G

I find that youngest and only children tend to me the most spoiled.
My 25 year old brother is the youngest of four and he is the most spoiled little twat in the world. The rest of us have worked to earn everything, while he is a pampered prince. 

My parents take care of his responsibilities, despite the fact that he is grown. He got someone pregnant while he's still in college and my mother took in his daughter, along with the baby mother's other child-WHO ISN'T EVEN BLOOD!! My parents also bought him a car-the rest of us had to buy our own or take public transit. If any of us became pregnant or knocked someone up, we would be out on our asses! We certainly wouldn't be living at home with our parents if we had children; we think that is ridiculous and immature.


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## Mom6547

Mrs.G said:


> I find that youngest and only children tend to me the most spoiled.
> My 25 year old brother is the youngest of four and he is the most spoiled little twat in the world.


It can depend wildly. In my family, I am the youngest. There were so many of us that by the time I came around, no one had much attention to pay to me. When I did something wrong, I suffered the consequence simply because no one was there to stop it. If I pitched a fit, no one heard it. My eldest siblings were not so much spoiled as over fussed over. They grew out of it.

I have a friend whose youngest is a spoiled rotten beast.

It is amazing the ways in which we parents can find ways to screw up!

I DO think it is common for only children to be either spoiled or over attended. 





> The rest of us have worked to earn everything, while he is a pampered prince.
> 
> My parents take care of his responsibilities, despite the fact that he is grown. He got someone pregnant while he's still in college and my mother took in his daughter, along with the baby mother's other child-WHO ISN'T EVEN BLOOD!! My parents also bought him a car-the rest of us had to buy our own or take public transit.


Before you get resentful, whom do you think has the better bargain here? You? Or he?


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## Mrs.G

Mom6547 said:


> It can depend wildly. In my family, I am the youngest. There were so many of us that by the time I came around, no one had much attention to pay to me. When I did something wrong, I suffered the consequence simply because no one was there to stop it. If I pitched a fit, no one heard it. My eldest siblings were not so much spoiled as over fussed over. They grew out of it.
> 
> I have a friend whose youngest is a spoiled rotten beast.
> 
> It is amazing the ways in which we parents can find ways to screw up!
> 
> I DO think it is common for only children to be either spoiled or over attended.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Before you get resentful, whom do you think has the better bargain here? You? Or he?


Good question! Very thought provoking. :smthumbup:
My knee jerk response is that he has the better bargain. However, when I take time to consider everything, being spoiled does not help someone in the long run. 

I am in a wonderful marriage, whereas he has an awful and classless baby mother to deal with for the rest of his life, whether he likes it or not. He was too naive and immature to wear condoms and now he's paying the price. His daughter's mother tried to trap my brother with a pregnancy, after she saw how good he was with her first child. You'd think that she would have learned from being a teenage mom.  Not surprisingly, they broke up soon after the child was born. My brother is a great dad, but he is still eating out of my mother's plates and going to college....I think it's very disrespectful to bring babies to your parents to look after. The prince has *everything *handed to him; even the job he works at was given to him by the eldest! The prince would not have even been accepted into college, if he didn't have me to help him with his homework. He is dumb as a post! :rofl:

People often think that only daughters are spoiled. Quite the contrary; most only daughters I know, including myself, had much more household responsibilities and no freedom. I also had to bear the brunt of my mother's jealousy and resentment. 

I will admit that I have resented the prince my whole life. I was constantly negatively compared to him and I was forced to wait on the prince hand and foot. I had to move out to get freedom, while he could come and go as he pleased. I will never understand what makes him so much more special and important than the rest of the four adult children.

I try not to think about this, but sometimes things remind me, such as a thread about spoiled adult children. Thank God I have therapy tomorrow! :smthumbup:


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## Mrs.G

Lazarus said:


> I agree there is a generation of spoiled kids,* but not all kids are spoiled and it is difficult for many families in this period of hard times. This is not the 80's either as another pointed out. It is no longer an easy land full of milk and honey and "It's a wonderful life".*If you noticed the cavaet in my post, "won't work" that should have dealt with the young adult that felt entitled and spoiled.
> 
> The problem here is the parents are arguing when they should be agreeing together how to tackle this situation jointly, otherwise their daughter puts at risk a normally happy marriage because she is becoming a source of friction.


:iagree: Yup! My generation has the worst job prospects, low wages and costs of living getting higher and higher. Things were much easier for the baby boomers!

I was never spoiled; I was always very independent. I was a babysitter before I was 16 and then I found an after school job looking after a terminally ill boy. I have been working since then; I have never been unemployed for longer than a month. I do not accept handouts from my parents because an adult should be looking after themselves. I also know that accepting a "gift" would lead to guilt trips.


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## chillymorn

video games ruined this generation of kids!

they are lazy take it for granted because the parrents who were both working failed to teach them to be productive members of society.

not all fall into this catagory but it seem more and more do.


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## Mom6547

What does both working have to do with it? I know plenty of crappy stay at home parents and plenty of excellent working parents. 

Video games are just a thing. A thing parents should set limits on, like anything else.


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