# Old question Separation or divorce?



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

I am facing a wife who is set on divorce. Many people think she is confused and angry but truth is she feels the way she feels. I have to respect that.

She has moved out of the bedroom and has contacted a mediation service.

I have been agreeable to her wishes to divorce so far but today i was talking to my father and he suggested we should try separation first.

It makes sense just from a financial perspective since we are just getting back on our feet after a huge financial setback.

She seems very resolved to move on but maybe i am an eternal optimist. I just want to make sure that i gave this marriage and our family everything i could before accepting reality

thoughts?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ask her if she would consider a separation. Tell her you are willing to do any and everything to save your marriage if she's up for it. 

Her answer will tell you what you need to know.

Is she having an affair?


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## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

i sent her this...call me crazy
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Obviously, this is a very emotional time for both of us. I know you say you don’t like the way I push issues down your throat and force you to make a decision.

I understand and respect you decision to divorce…you have travelled a long road to get there. 

Some have advised that perhaps we are not looking at other solutions. One that you have mentioned before.

Should we consider a formal separation first? We seem to be able to agree on the important things like kids, and money.

A formal separation in my mind could play out exactly like the divorce…give us time and space to grow and live separately.

It would also give us time to get our affairs in order…to truly move on…if that’s where it would take us.

I think we can both agree that neither of us is really in any financial position to handle all our responsibilities post-divorce.

Just a thought. I respect your decision either way
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she is not having an affair...but the thought has crossed my mind...if she is...she has to fit it into crazy work ...kid schedule.

She is the product of divorce...not a big man fan to start with. Been kicked to the curb by every person in her life...father ...step father...even her mother...

I come from a stable family who rallies when one is facing hardship. Her friends think she doesn't know what she is doing...her mother stand idly by since she hasn't had a good marriage yet...

When we hit the wall financially she was like why do i need him...now he is broke. She has done nothing to help us get back on our feet...i did it all. She did get a job but its very low paying and there is zero chance she can support herself and kids if we split.

For her, it is easier to shut down emotionally than deal with me and marriage. I believe what i read about you carry your issues into the next relationship.

Despite this i love her, want to keep my family intact...and yet i am banging my head against the wall

what is the definition of insanity...doing the same thng over and over and expecting the same results.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I guess just wait for her response now.
Listen up: you need to be calm right now, whatever her answer is. Exude confidence and ascribe to the thinking that no matter how this ends, you will prevail, got it? 

She need sto see a man who she respected. I really like that you told her you will respect her decision. Good for you. That means you aren't pushing her or dictating to her how things will go. 

When she gets back to you, keep your emotions out of it and listen and validate what she says. 

Did you email her that? 

If she is having an affair, it's a lot harder to deal with the situation. What has made you think she "may" be having one. Elaborate.


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## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

i am trying my best to stay calm and rational and exude confidence. Hard for me because truth be told...this is only area of my life i don't feel confident.

Affair...only have fleeting thoughts because she is so off kilter...she is making many rash decisions ...her friend don't know who she is anymore. Rationally, probably not.

She did have a brief Emotional Affair on facebook but that was 2 years ago and she ended it when i asked her to.

She is on a birth control pill that i am convinced has made her more emotional...her doctor said it can't...but mine said it definitely could. I have read story after story from other uses that it ruined their life. It didn't make a good marriage bad but it can make a bad one worse.

Everyone i know said i have done everything possible to save this ...so time to move on...easy for them...i don't want to end it...but it needs to be healed.

She was very cold and angry the other day when her friends confronted her on this but she was resolute. She is also in the worst part of her cycle. But maybe that is an excuse i make...maybe i can't accept that it is over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BC pill made my libido suffer too.
But those signs you're saying--pay attention to that. Did she end all contact with the EA guy? The fact that you said EVEN HER FRIENDS are picking up on something amiss is very telling.
The sooner you accept the status of your marriage, the better for you.


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## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

The friends don't know what she is doing regarding marriage but they do know that she IS NOT having an affair. So maybe i'll leave that alone. The EA guy ...over ..never contacted him again.

For her...her financial security crumbled...she never made much money.

She wants respect...she wants independence...but this is only move she has made toward independence.

Her PLAN is to go on welfare...not get a better job. We have 3 kids and despite financial trouble...we still live in nice house...we still have most of the trappings of middle class life.

Her mother's second husband died last year and left her broke...so did her first husband...she cheated and left her.


I never cheated...never will....i did lose my business with this crappy economy but reinvented myself and am making money...my thought is that i hit some deep seated emotional baggage with her...

your last line is one i get all the time...i know its good advice but so hard to really accept. My kids are my life and it killed me to tell them. She is being reasonable about custody...willing to split 50 -50...

i sometimes can't believe i am in this position


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hcromwell said:


> your last line is one i get all the time...i know its good advice but so hard to really accept.


You can't start moving on with your life until you can accept what is going on. 

Take her up on that 50/50 offer if that is what she is saying now because over and over again I have seen someone offering something in the beginning and then later changes their mind.


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## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

good point...

what was you story if i may?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mine is a long and complicated one (aren't they all?) LOL.

It's in "Going thru Divorce" under "Looking for feedback' or 'A jelly divorce." Feel free to browse.


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## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

so bad week...sleeping separate rooms..making appts with lawyers, mediators.


Bottom line i just pissed her off last week by pushing relationship talk and then getting mad when she says she is done.


now a little detente...she is willing to go to therapist, retreat...but she says to ease divorce...then even that point was softened...she said if i get help...maybe we can work out.

Ok...fine...every therapist i see says i'm ok...but whatever.

my dad says ...back off...let her be..good advice right?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi HC,

How did things turn out?

Are you happier today?

Your children?

Best regards,

LW

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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