# Is this really my life?



## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

I've recently found this forum and wanted to post my story, both for input/advice and just to get it off my chest.

My wife and I have been married almost 10 years, and we've had a somewhat rocky marriage. Mostly from me- lying to her, lack of communication, issues with porn, etc. I definitely have not been the best husband. We have 3 kids, all under 10. We've done MC a few times, starting in our first year, and most recently about 3 years ago. She's been unhappy and has talked about divorce for several years.

Beginning of July, she told me she was finished- she knew she was done because she didn't care anymore. She wanted to separate, but stay in different rooms in our home and take the separation slow to make things easier for the kids and give her a chance to find a job. She's been a stay at home mom for almost our entire marriage.

Middle of July, she met another man who lives out of state, but was in our area visiting. I knew she met him, because she told me that he was flirting with her. This made me jealous, and I checked her phone about 2 weeks later and found they were sexting each other. I confronted her, and she told me that she had done that to get back at me, because she knew that I was snooping, and not for the first time, and since I was looking to find something, she would give me something to find.

I was devastated- even though she already told me we were done, I felt like was I losing my mind. I started seeing a shrink to help me work through my issues and taking an anti-depressant. I've been struggling with depression for a couple of years, but had not faced it until all this happened.

She wanted to go on a week long vacation in the middle of August, and I (naively) believed her. She told me she was going to ____ with one of her girlfriends, and instead went to ____ by herself to see the OM. I found out she was lying about where she was on the last day of 'vacation', and confronted her when she got home. She, of course, denied having sex with him, and I did not believe her. I got into her cell phone again a few days later, and found messages between the two of them explicitly texting each other about what was going to happen while she was there, and also messages from when they were together detailing their sex. I found way too much information- enough to make my brain go crazy. She noticed that her phone was missing, and found me with it, busy getting stuff off her cell. She was pissed that I invaded her privacy again, and I think she was mad that her lies were exposed. Huge blowout fight ensued.

I flew off the handle. I don't exactly recall everything, but I guess that I grabbed her arms when we were arguing. She told me that if I didn't give her the proof back, that she would call the police since she was concerned out my mental state (I have been on an emotional roller coaster) and also her cell phone screen was broken in the altercation.

I left. She called the cops, they see marks on her arm, and to shorten a long story, I now have charges against me. She told the cops that she didn't want to press charges, but the state is pressing them. 

Conditions of my bond- I cannot contact my wife, which means for about the past two weeks I've been forced out of my house, and my trial date is several months away. My wife told me that she does not want me back in the house, because now she can start the year separation period so she can divorce me. 

I feel such a wide range of emotions- hurt, pissed off, sad, missing her, lonely, guilty for my role in messing up our marriage. This has been the worst time of my life.


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

I am so conflicted. 

Sometimes, I feel like I want her back, that I'll get over her having sex with the OM. I even told her last week that I'll eventually forgive her, because holding on to my pain and anger will do nothing but tear me apart.

However, this morning when I got up, I couldn't stop thinking about the two of them together physically. Like I said, I found _way_ too much out in the messages I found. 

I went home last night to see the kids, and like a complete moron, the first thing I did was go through her purse because she wasn't in the room. Of course, she then walked in and was pissed because I was in her stuff, after I told her I was done snooping. Old habits die hard. 

I keep on doing things that do nothing but push her farther and farther away.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

A PA is the hardest thing to get over. Trust me on that one, bro. 

Get counseling for your part of this mess. Takes two to tango.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi, I understand I too did things that pushed my ex husband away. You need to continue on hour own road of self discovery and healing. Focus on being a healthier person for yourself and your kids.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Sad. I can sorta relate to this. 

You really gotta read NMMNG, and work on a 180. 
Hit the gym hard, every day, eat quality foods, get in the best shape of your life. 
Don't have any contact with your estranged wife...have visitation without her around. 
Put your house up for sale. 
Get a lawyer.

Absolutely no contact with her. Any and all conversations should be via text or email...no phone, no face-to-face.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

I'm in IC currently, and beginning to scratch the surface of my underlying issues- lack of self-worth, shifting unresolved problems with my parents from my teenage years to my wife, avoiding conflict, etc. I've been working out daily for about two months to get out some of this pain and anger that keeps building up inside of me, and it's definitely helped. I feel better about my self image also as I've lost about 25 pounds. I ran into an old co-worker yesterday that I haven't seen in years, and she kept telling me how great I looked. I certainly am not ready for any type of involvement with anyone else right now, nor would I do the same s*** that my W did, but it did feel good to be complemented by an attractive woman.

I'm working on myself, but I've cried wolf too many times to my W for her to take me seriously. "I'll change, be a better husband, communicate, yadda yadda yadda". She doesn't believe me a word out of my mouth, and that is my fault. Time will tell- if she sees that I'm truly different, maybe we'll reconcile. I don't want to get divorced- I've realized that I do love her still, even through all of this.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Creek,

Most good separation agreements disclose whether or not you can see other people during the separation. If it was not discussed, I think you have to assume the WAS is going to chase some tail.

Good to see you are working on yourself. Once you go dark on her and are not living together, you will start to heal much quicker.

It's a long road, be strong,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

"PC LOAD LETTER" :lol:

Love the avatar.


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

Stretch, we did not have any type of formal, written separation agreement. She did tell me that when she went on her 'trip', supposedly with her GF, that she was free to do whatever with whomever she wanted to. The reason that this hit me like a ton of bricks was that she was scheming for weeks to go down and see the OM, texting him with what she wanted to do to him and want she wanted him to do to her. I feel like this would have hurt less if it had been some type of random hookup, rather than premeditated. 

I wish that I could text or email her only, but I'm afraid to leave any type of trail because contacting her violates the terms of my bond. So, I call her if I have to talk about the kids or finances, but not from my phone. 

I found a link to the 180 and printed it off- some things I've done correctly, but most of it I really need to work on.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Listen up because I am going to be one of the first to point it out but if YOU keep on doing it others will remind YOU relentlessly for your own good.

We do not give sh!t about her only YOU and we expect YOU to do the same. In other words, when you focus on her and what she does and where she is, we are all concerned that you are not on your way to healing. If Conrad finds this thread, he will be relentless on YOU to change your focus to YOU not her.

Let me say that I know, we know the feeling, at some point, sooner rather than later, you need to refocus your energy on yourself. That means taking care of yourself, what you eat, your sleeping, exercise, counseling, GAL (Get A Life) activities. 

I don't know what is going to happen with your M but I know that you need to work on yourself so YOU have the physical, mental and emotional strength to embrace your future as it comes. The reason I know it it because I lived it then I read it here on TAM over and over and over again and saw good people, shaken to their core, get on the road to living their new lives.

Work on YOU,
Stretch


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you for the reality check


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

It's been a pretty good week. I read NMMNG- wow. I really identify with most of what the author describes. I'm currently reading the book for a second time, and starting the exercises. 

These three weeks separated from my W have truly been a learning experience. 

I realized several days ago that I do not need her. I still want her, and want what we used to have together, but I will be okay no matter what happens. If we do get divorced, that will suck, but I'll make it. That's a huge step for me. After she told me in July that she was done, I was a basket case, and then things went steadily downhill from there.

I'm still hitting the gym hard- working out has allowed me to get out a lot of stress and anger, and I feel more self-confident. 

Going to church and reconnecting with God has been the most positive thing I've done in years. I used to go but stopped for about two years. Finding my spiritual center has given me a measure of peace, which I didn't feel until I let go of my situation and allowed God to take over. I also have been reconnecting with one of the guys from church I used to hang out with, and it's great to re-establish that friendship.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

If you can work on moving forward, despite the pain, then I can too.


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## cls0115 (Dec 1, 2012)

Wow UAC, what a great attitude you have. I wish I could have that same attitude with my situation. I'm sorry you are here.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Upacreek, have you ever been physical with your wife or kids before this time? Are you working on your anger issues in counseling? I can't remember the name, but there's at least one man on TAM who has been abusive to his wife in the past and has changed. He might be helpful for your journey.


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

I'm incorporating anger management into my IC. I have always avoided conflict at all costs, and I have repressed my emotions for a long time, so hopefully my anger issues will be resolved as I realize that it's okay to have feelings and to deal with them as they arise. 

I am not an abusive person- my W even told the cops that I've never done anything like this before (it's documented in the police report). However, with that being said, I did put my hands on her- something I will _never_ do again. 

This crappy situation has served as a huge wake up call to me. I've tried over and over again to change myself, and I've always failed. Every time. Letting God change me is working, and he's making me into a better person. 

I've begun to let her go mentally. I can't control what she does, who she talks to, who she sleeps with, etc. I think she's still talking to the OM (IDK for sure because I haven't asked her), but there's nothing I can do about that. If she wants to get back together with me, that's her choice. I'll wait things out for a while- it's only been a month since I found out about her and the OM. If we do make up, it will take time, and we'll both have to decide that we still want to be married.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You have an order prohibiting you from contacting your wife and you've been forced out of your home.



upacreek said:


> Conditions of my bond- I cannot contact my wife, which means for about the past two weeks I've been forced out of my house, and my trial date is several months away.


Yet you went home and were in contact with your wife?



upacreek said:


> I went home last night to see the kids, and like a complete moron, the first thing I did was go through her purse because she wasn't in the room. Of course, she then walked in and was pissed because I was in her stuff, after I told her I was done snooping.


If I understand this correctly you are setting yourself up for a whole lotta trouble. She could have had you arrested-again for violating the order. If she wanted to be vindictive and/or get an edge in the divorce proceedings she could have said you were abusive towards her- again. You'd be looking really bad to the courts for going back there, it's nothing less than contempt of court.

She's with another guy and making little effort to hide it, she wants a divorce and you've gotten yourself kicked out of the house. She's holding all the cards, you need to dig yourself out of the hole not bury yourself deeper.

Be smart.


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## upacreek (Sep 10, 2013)

I agree with what you're saying Lenzi, but some contact is unavoidable. I go home to see my kids, and my wife leaves and does errands and whatever. Even my lawyer said that the no contact order is untenable when kids are in the picture. 

You're correct about her holding all the cards at this point, but she doesn't want things to get any worse for me legally. She hasn't filed for a protective order or anything like that, even though she could.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

If there is an order prohibiting you from being in direct contact with your wife, then it's not a good idea to be in direct contact with your wife and I'm surprised an attorney would tell you otherwise. 

Every time you violate the order you put yourself at risk for arrest and if nothing else, you don't look good to the courts for ignoring it.

Restraining orders are a regular part of divorce proceedings. When the two parents are ordered to keep away from one another, a third party is used for the exchange of children, that's how it works, even if it's "inconvenient". Or, if the children are old enough, and the stay away order is not too restrictive to allow it, you park in the street and they come out to the car to meet you. 

Ignore court orders at your own peril. 

It's just not good planning.


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