# Didn't even realize how bad it is



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I am realizing how bad my relationship with my husband is. I mean, I knew it was bad. No fun, no love, no sex, fighting, negativity, etc. I believe it's affecting our kids. No matter how pleasant I try to be, I do not like myself when I'm around my husband.

My husband has long been verbally abusive and passive aggressive. The biggest problem is that I didn't realize that he was until about 2 years ago. Then it hit me, all of a sudden, that the "relationship" I was in was a farce. I grew up in a home with a bipolar father and grandmother and my mother passed when I was 12. I didn't really have a sense of normal/healthy if that makes sense.

My biggest issue is that we have two children, ages 5 years and 18 months. My husband has many issues, including the fact that he is refusing to look for a job, spends many hours a week gambling online with fantasy sports (and even just playing fantasy sports), and does little housework/cooking. I work full-time as a physician assistant to support our family and I return home exhausted. The kids are yet to be bathed or dinner made. It's maddening. He used to work, but after my son was born, we thought he's stay home for a few months since I made more money than he, and he wanted to stay home a few months...it's now over a year later and he's still not back to work. Previously he lost his job due to tardiness when I was a PA student because he had to take our daughter to daycare. He couldn't make it to work on time, blaming her as "difficult." Nothing is ever his fault.

I am to the point of divorce, though I still hesitate due to my kids. I feel "done" though, a point I never thought I'd get to. My therapist says that he has been verbally abusive and passive aggressive for so long that I didn't even realize it was abnormal. He takes no accountability or responsibility. I even asked him to bathe our son yesterday while I was at work. He had all day and even with his father there and daughter in school, failed to even do that one thing.

Our relationship has deteriorated so much that I believe it's affecting our ability to be the best parents we can be. I have counseled with attorneys who mostly advise me to wait until he gets a job to file for divorce. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't have the money saved up for a retainer, so I have to work on that. But I don't make enough alone to save money -- just enough to cover bills really. You'd think as a PA I'd make enough, but really, it's just not enough because I pay for everything.

I'm not sure the point of this except to say that I'm sad my marriage is a farce. I am happy that I have two wonderful kids, but sad for what could have been. I don't feel that marriage counseling would help us. I don't think he's a good person and I don't want to be with him. He is depressed, yet has let his family down. I was extremely depressed a few months ago before I left a very bad job, but had to pick it up and go on. I'm sad that he doesn't see that he has let his family down and I feel like, if he doesn't get that, we could never "work."

So I guess I'm just sad about the pain this divorce will cause, yet hopeful about the future. I am a wonderful person and everyone but he and his family see that. I'm the "bad guy" to them because I went outside the role of a "homemaker" and had a career.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm having a mild catharsis reading all of your stories.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

'''So I guess I'm just sad about the pain this divorce will cause, yet hopeful about the future. I am a wonderful person and everyone but he and his family see that. I'm the "bad guy" to them because I went outside the role of a "homemaker" and had a career.''''


I think your last sentence is the most telling. What do they expect you to live on with their lazy son. It seems the fault lies with his family for backing him up. 

Also that you earn more than him and therefore went to work is not always a good idea. A man usually has to be the bread winner even if its less than what the wife can bring in.

If you stopped work would he then go out to work?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I can't imagine that he really doesn't see that he has let his family down, has become lazy, and doesn't get it. I bet he beats himself up over it, and that is an enormous source for his depression. Remember, it makes a lot of sense to think that someone who is unhappy with their failure would want to get up and make up for it somehow, but with depression, the opposite ends up happening. The sense of failure buries them and makes them fail in other ways as well. (like not even being able to do one or two simple chores) It'll make them hide into their own worlds.

I do think marriage counseling could certainly help you, but I think he probably needs IC first before it would do any good.


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## NostalgicConfusion (Aug 28, 2012)

*You began your post saying that when you were raised, you were raised by people who did not teach you what a healthy relationship is and that is the reason why you did not clearly see this in your husband.

Then you go on to say you are weary of divorcing your husband because of your children.*

Please re-read what is above one more time.

Honey, you are also teaching your children a poor example of marriage if you stay in this situation and bring them up in it. 

I, myself, am a child of divorce. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my parents had a similar situation of the picture you paint above. I do not think the divorce was a bad thing for me. If anything, my mother marrying another man who was even worse--after the divorce, has caused more damage than anything. 

I hate it when people say they are staying together for the kids meanwhile, the kids are learning that marriage is not a fun, loving and reciprocal union. I know that it CAN be. I know plenty of people how have that. My grandparents have that I look up to them and judge the condition of my own marriage based on their history. 

I am thankful my mother divorced my father. It taught me strength at a young age, I think. It taught me that I am worth more than being a doormat.

But sometimes...we end up a doormat no matter how we try to avoid it. But if you able to recognize it and realize it is wrong, only then are you able to emancipate yourself from the situation and gain your freedom, independence and happiness.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You really need to get out of this marriage, both for yourself and for your kids. Staying in it is doing them a big disservice. He doesnt even take care of them. Like Nostalgic, I was also very relieved when my own parents finally split. Having my dad in our house was miserable, I never liked him, even when I was very little. Not only will your kids be unhappy, but your unhappy marriage is what they will have for an example for their own futures. 

I cant understand the logic behind a lawyer telling you to wait until he has a job. My personal opinion...file for divorce and get a separation agreement in place to get him out of your home. Let him go live with that family who adore him so much, and he can leech off of them. Seriously. He is contributing NOTHING to your family. 

I related very much to your opening sentences. I too had a marriage like this, where it gradually snuck up me just how bad it was. I lost myself. I left and I found myself again. I am sorry you are dealing with this.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I cant understand the logic behind a lawyer telling you to wait until he has a job.


She'll have to pay maintenance and if he goes for custody which he may get as a SAHD, he'll get child support. So she'll pay half of her income to her husband and only have visitation with the kiddos.

The longer you are married, the longer time you will have to pay spousal maintenance, LH. If it was me, depends whether he would go for custody.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I feel your pain. I too am married to very unmotivated passive-aggressive husband, have been for 21 years. The scenario you pointed out about asking him to bathe your son, same thing goes on here. Doesn't mean it will happen, or if it does, that might be the only thing he does. Thank goodness somewhere in all of this he did feel the need to provide and he has done very well at that. It is not easy living with a passive-aggressive spouse. There is a very active thread, that still might be on-going under General Relationships called "Passive-Aggressive Husband" that you might check out.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

NostalgicConfusion said:


> *You began your post saying that when you were raised, you were raised by people who did not teach you what a healthy relationship is and that is the reason why you did not clearly see this in your husband.
> 
> Then you go on to say you are weary of divorcing your husband because of your children.*
> 
> ...


I really appreciate this so much. I know that the relationship dynamic my husband and I have is very poor. It is a terrible example for my kids. As an example, I got home from work tonight quite late, around 6:30, after picking up soup for our dinner because my husband doesn't cook. The kids ate (ravenously) and then we played our hearts out for a good 45 minutes before I gave my son a bath. All I heard from my husband was that he "has to do everything." I'm not quite sure what this "everything" is. Such a martyr. Anyway, the kids and i were laughing and playing and it was getting on his nerves. Finally I said to my daughter, "Why are we so giggly tonight?" And she said, "Because we love you and missed you, Mommy." It was such a wonderful, but guilt-inducing feeling, because I'm away from them all day, leaving them in the care of someone who meets their basic needs of shelter, food, and school. But there are no emotional needs met. And as we were playing and laughing, I could hear him muttering under his breath spiteful, negative comments about me and how I play too rough with them and that they just ate and how I don't think before I do anything. Just on and on.

I have seen many therapists for ongoing anxiety over the years. Yet I finally found someone who is finally worth it. And I pay her out of pocket because she's so amazing. I have been seeing her for the past 6 months or so and her insight has truly been significant. Over the years, I've gained insight into my husband's behavior being inappropriate, but now it's like I've pieced it all together and I'm at peace with my decision for a divorce. The truth is, I do hesitate for my kids, but only because I'm persistently optimistic. Yet I can see this ship has sailed and I know divorce is in my future. Life is too short to live in this sort of environment, feeling stifled and worn out. Like all the living energy is sucked right out of me. And it is really not good for the kids.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> You really need to get out of this marriage, both for yourself and for your kids. Staying in it is doing them a big disservice. He doesnt even take care of them. Like Nostalgic, I was also very relieved when my own parents finally split. Having my dad in our house was miserable, I never liked him, even when I was very little. Not only will your kids be unhappy, but your unhappy marriage is what they will have for an example for their own futures.
> 
> I cant understand the logic behind a lawyer telling you to wait until he has a job. My personal opinion...file for divorce and get a separation agreement in place to get him out of your home. Let him go live with that family who adore him so much, and he can leech off of them. Seriously. He is contributing NOTHING to your family.
> 
> I related very much to your opening sentences. I too had a marriage like this, where it gradually snuck up me just how bad it was. I lost myself. I left and I found myself again. I am sorry you are dealing with this.


Thank you so, so much for this.

Blonde is right in that the advise I was given was due to the custody/spousal support/child support issues. I don't think he'd try to get full custody. And with them being young, I feel they would benefit from a more stable schedule, sleeping at my house most nights. I have considered the possibility of having him come over in the mornings to get the kids off to school/daycare if he can, depending on his work schedule, should he ever find a job. That way, he can spend more time with them. And I'd have them at night and then we'd share weekends. Though, the 18 month old would probably only spend one night away each week, based on what I've read.

I find your insight into your father interesting. My daughter has never really "taken" to her father. She just doesn't appear to like him. Occasionally, I think she tries to appease us by hugging him, but she's usually telling him to put her down. And my son will sometimes not calm down at all if I don't go to him. I'm not sure if that's because I'm gone all day or what. He just doesn't really like my husband either.

One other thing my therapist brought up about kids: my daughter is prone to anxiety and I stated that I was worried about her being really upset at us divorcing. And she pointed out, "How do you know it's not the marriage and living situation that isn't exacerbating her anxiety?" That was eye-opening.

The problem with the home is that it's technically in his name only and trying to push him out would tick him off royally. To him, that's "his." He's so passive aggressive, he didn't put my name on it. I was considering moving out altogether, but I had a divorce attorney tell me to stay in the house until the divorce is final. I'm going to be speaking with more attorneys soon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LovingHearts said:


> The problem with the home is that it's technically in his name only and trying to push him out would tick him off royally. To him, that's "his." He's so passive aggressive, he didn't put my name on it. I was considering moving out altogether, but I had a divorce attorney tell me to stay in the house until the divorce is final. I'm going to be speaking with more attorneys soon.


In most states the home belongs to both spouses no matter whose name is on it.

How long have you been married?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Have you thought of a legal separation before filing for divorce?


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> In most states the home belongs to both spouses no matter whose name is on it.
> 
> How long have you been married?


5.5 years. House was bought ~2 years ago. It's free & clear because my husband used some 401k money and a loan from his father.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> Have you thought of a legal separation before filing for divorce?


I haven't yet thought of that. I need to do research on it. I am meeting with an attorney next week. I will bring that up. Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LovingHearts said:


> 5.5 years. House was bought ~2 years ago. It's free & clear because my husband used some 401k money and a loan from his father.


Are there signed documents for this loan between him and his father? 

This one is going to be a bit harder than normal to figure out due to how he paid it. Your attorney will have to weigh though it and figure out what your best approach is. Most likely at least some if not all of the equity is community property.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Are there signed documents for this loan between him and his father?
> 
> This one is going to be a bit harder than normal to figure out due to how he paid it. Your attorney will have to weigh though it and figure out what your best approach is. Most likely at least some if not all of the equity is community property.


That's what I assumed. The home is going to be hard. I'm not concerned about it, really. I just know I'll be the one moving out when we separate. And I'm looking forward to it. I know this sounds crazy, but there's so much negativity instilled in this house, I want to break free. I've talked to several divorced women who feel the same way, that moving gave them more energy. I will plan to move close to my husband, of course.

I know I will likely be entitled to some of the house money, but not a lot. As I said, I'm not too concerned. There are some other issues, though. Like that some of the student loans I had to take out were due to him losing his job and not supporting his family. When he lost his job, we had to pay COBRA. I was in school super full-time (PA school) and couldn't work. I have documentation for a budget extension for my school loans showing that it was due to paying COBRA. I am hoping he will not give me a hard time about this.

I am going to approach this divorce in the most positive light I can. I want the children to be #1. First and foremost in our thoughts should be how it affects them.

I spoke with him this morning about getting a job and I think I finally got through to him. I told him that he needs to get going and the next two weeks I will do what I can to support him in finding work, since I'm off before I start my new job. I told him this will give me time to find the right childcare for our 18 month old and we will make this work. He doesn't yet know about how strongly I'm considering divorce, but my goal is to stay for a bit if the dynamic improves with him working so that I can save up some money. We will reassess in 3 months. I do not want to lead him on that we have a bright future though. This is about our children and his future moreso than me.

This evening I will be talking to him about his behavior also. Whether he reads books on passive aggression or goes to therapy, he needs to commit to something and realize how bad it is.

The energy in our home is toxic. We are like zombies. Even the light of our children is dimmed by the environment that surrounds them. Whether we stay or go, everything will be improved if we each work on our issues and learn to communicate. We have kids in common and will have to learn how to work together anyway. He loves his kids, but I think a combination of depression and laziness has displaced good parenting.

In any event, thank you all for your thoughts.


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