# Should I confess about an old affair?



## JenPhil (Jul 22, 2020)

About 8 years ago I had an affair. I'd made the mistake of befriending a neighbor and taking daily walks with him. Our marriage was in a very bad place, so when my husband went away on a hunting trip I spent the weekend with the neighbor. A few months later I found my "dream home" we moved away and never looked back. There's basically no chance that he'd ever find out at this point.

Fast forward to the present and most days I'm okay. Most days I don't think about it and it never bothers me. Then on a rare occasion it comes up, I can't eat or sleep for a few days. It seems like every couple months the guilt comes back.

I'm certain that confessing the affair would destroy him. I'm just not sure what to do.


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## Vanicky (Jul 22, 2020)

I wish I never knew about my ex husbands first infidelity. My forgiveness emboldened him I believe and I can never forget what he did.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I voted yes but I am about not holding stuff like that back in a marriage.

You should not have done it of course and you should have told him after you did it to give him the truth of where your relationship really at and give him the opportunity to make a choice about your marriage that you denied him.

He still deserves that choice and it is eating you up and has been harming your marriage ever since.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

JenPhil said:


> Our marriage was in a very bad place


Stop right there. Your first mistake. It’s called blameshifting. Don’t do it

marriages are hard. They are never perfect. most good marriages have ups and downs. And most infidelity happens in good marriages. So who or what is to blame for this? The cheater, not the marriage. Not the betrayed spouse.

the guilt will keep coming back trust me. It’s a good sign your conscience is troubling you. It’s not going to let up.

yes, you will devastate him. It’s going to be a real ****show. You have no idea.

But he knows something is wrong and has known for years. He just doesn’t know what it is. This shadow has been plaguing your marriage ever since. The only way thru it is to confess it to him.

before you do that, I recommend reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Don’t deviate from it and do everything it says to the letter. If you do nothing else do this.

write down every detail you can remember in a narrative timeline. Don’t deceive, Don’t obfuscate. Don’t elide. Don’t shade. Don’t minimize.

read this several times:https://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Understanding-Your-Betrayed-Spouse.pdf

do not make the mistake of thinking it exaggerates. I’m sorry for what is to come. But more sorry for your husband.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

JenPhil said:


> About 8 years ago I had an affair. I'd made the mistake of befriending a neighbor and taking daily walks with him. Our marriage was in a very bad place, so when my husband went away on a hunting trip I spent the weekend with the neighbor. A few months later I found my "dream home" we moved away and never looked back. There's basically no chance that he'd ever find out at this point.
> 
> Fast forward to the present and most days I'm okay. Most days I don't think about it and it never bothers me. Then on a rare occasion it comes up, I can't eat or sleep for a few days. It seems like every couple months the guilt comes back.
> 
> I'm certain that confessing the affair would destroy him. I'm just not sure what to do.


Are you happy with your DH now?

Are you willing to lose your marriage to divorce?

If you're happy with your DH now, and you want to stay married to him, suck it up and never confess anything!

What's in the past, stays in the past! 

Just make sure you are giving your DH MORE than what you gave to your former neighbor! I think you know what I mean!

If you start 'walking' again, remember your guilt!!!

JMHO.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

JenPhil said:


> About 8 years ago I had an affair. I'd made the mistake of befriending a neighbor and taking daily walks with him. Our marriage was in a very bad place, so when my husband went away on a hunting trip I spent the weekend with the neighbor. A few months later I found my "dream home" we moved away and never looked back. There's basically no chance that he'd ever find out at this point.
> 
> Fast forward to the present and most days I'm okay. Most days I don't think about it and it never bothers me. Then on a rare occasion it comes up, I can't eat or sleep for a few days. It seems like every couple months the guilt comes back.
> 
> I'm certain that confessing the affair would destroy him. I'm just not sure what to do.


As a BH I would encourage you to come clean with your husband. But I understand the reluctance. This is eating at you, otherwise you would not be on this site asking for advice. I suspect if you have even a tad of a conscience, what you did really bothers you. If you are like my FWW you are wondering why in the hell you did what you did. Sadly, you did what you did and now you are having to deal with it. I wish you luck.

Please see a counselor and discuss this matter. And I will tell you unequivocally it was not a mistake. A mistake is when you dial a wrong number, spill a glass of water. You made a DECISION. A poor decision at that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tell us more about your marriage.
Kids??

I know my opinion will likely be extremely unpopular but:

If you are in a great place with your husband and life.... take it to the grave. 
Im giving you the benefit of the doubt that this is a one time screw up in life that will absolutely never be repeated again .... not even close.

Good luck .....


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Another important tip: see if there are any betrayal trauma specialists in your area. If there are see if they have individual counselors for both of you to see separately. You should start seeing one right now, and if you’re lucky your husband will be willing to see another after you disclose.

that specialty - betrayal trauma — is very important.

DO NOT suggest marriage counseling. Couples counseling is USELESS in infidelity and will cause further trauma to your husband. A marriage counselor will typically try to “fix” the marriage. That’s not the problem. Your infidelity is the problem. MC’s will enable and encourage minimizing, trickle truth, blameshifting and rug sweeping. All terms should become familiar with and avoid at all costs.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> If you are in a great place with your husband and life.... take it to the grave.


Wrong advice. Very wrong.

Based on what you’ve told us you have bouts of semi-depression and withdrawal from quotidian life because of your guilt every two months or so.

And this has been going for nearly a decade. Think that is sustainable? I assure you it is not. You will be in a dessicated half life marriage in a few more years if this continues — if you aren’t already — with your poor husband confused and wandering in the darkness. You took away his free will In the marriage 8 years ago.

A sexual affair is akin to rape and I don’t use that lightly. To put it in clinical terms You shared another man’s genital microbiome with your husband without his knowledge or consent. To put in spiritual terms you invited another man into the sanctity of your marriage and he’s never really left.

Now think about that and the implications of that. It’s a very grave and life altering thing you did. I don’t say this to punish you or make you feel worse. I say it so you will understand the immense gravity of the situation.

Your husband has been living a lie with you for 8 years. From his vantage point he believes you are a faithful monogamous partner in life.

of course I wish my wayward wifehad never been unfaithful to me and that I didn’t know these things. I ask her to build a time machine all the time. But she can’t. The one thing she could have done, which you have a chance to do for yourself now, is voluntarily disclose the affair. Instead I had to ferret it out and expose it with evidence I gathered.

of course you may think it will never come out unless you tell. I assure it will. It almost ALWAYS does. Adultery, like murder, will out.

What if a year from now or 5 years from now your husband looks at you in a quiet moment and says “this is difficult to ask but have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

What will you say to him then when you had a chance to disclose it voluntarily now? It will be a hundred times more damaging if you hold back.

Give him his autonomy back and let
him decide. It’s the least you can do now.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Also 8 years is not that long ago. Not really. When you tell him, it will feel like it just happened for him. I’ve been trying to reconcile with my WW for about half as long as you’ve been allowing yourself to be tortured by unspoken guilt. 8 years isn’t long. It didn’t happen long ago in some misty distance. So stop telling yourself that. You’re basically trying to give yourself an out with that “old” descriptor


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'm staying in the "no" camp. I think its your burden to bear. Ask yourself how its going to help him to know you cheated. I know the majority of folks believe he should know the truth and have the "opportunity" to do what he wants with it but remember its going to cause pain, mind movies, and doubt for him; that he may not get over. Again the guilt and burden is yours to bear, why would you want to off load that on him to clear you own conscience. Telling him won't un-affair you but only have two people burdened by it. Sides that, if you think your guilt has adversely effected your marriage, try letting him know you f'd around while he was on a trip.
There is a possibility however he may like it. There are plenty of guys who are initially po'd but come around to thinking it hot for another guy to be with their wives. The balls in your court melady. BTW, when a husband asked for no apparent reason, "have you ever cheated", a yes response will likely get, " so describe what it was like".


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Something in his gut told him long ago but he had no evidence and didn't know where to start. You planted a seed of cancer in your marriage and it has been growing ever since, root it out and come clean. Who wants a half a marriage?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thumos said:


> Stop right there. Your first mistake. It’s called blameshifting. Don’t do it
> 
> marriages are hard. They are never perfect. most good marriages have ups and downs. And most infidelity happens in good marriages. So who is the person to blame for this? The cheater, not the marriage. Not the betrayed spouse.
> 
> ...


Great post. QFT.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Holy poop @Thumos !!!!!!!

Going to love this guy I think.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

The biggest thing I see in your post is mostly about you. Nowhere in your post do you say I love my husband and to me that smacks of rug sweeping and blame shifting. 

“I“ found ”my” dream home, not we as in a couple. Do you understand what I’m saying? You make a lot of “I” statements, with almost indifference to your betrayed husband.

My opinion which you may not like is to tell him. At least it gives him the option of dealing with it from a point of truth.

Yes he may dump you, on the other hand being truthful may save your marriage and ease the burden you seem to be carrying.

Living a lie for the last 8 years, regardless of how excellent a wife you may have been after your affair, would prompt me to end the farce of a marriage I’d been in for the past 8 years.

Take heart in the fact that my comments reflect what I would do, your husband may be cut from a different cloth.

i wish you well whichever decision you make.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Oldtimer said:


> Nowhere in your post do you say I love my husband and to me that smacks of rug sweeping and blame shifting.


Of course she didn't love him, at least not in "that way". If she had, she wouldn't have spent a hot weekend with the neighbor. Sides that, doing a neighbor is a lot of peoples fantasy. I had a couple when married to my first wife. Spending time with them was a damn site better that listening to that harpy gripe and complain. (an left me some good memories. I hope, beyond the guilt, Jen has some to)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JenPhil said:


> About 8 years ago I had an affair. I'd made the mistake of befriending a neighbor and taking daily walks with him. Our marriage was in a very bad place, so when my husband went away on a hunting trip I spent the weekend with the neighbor. A few months later I found my "dream home" we moved away and never looked back. There's basically no chance that he'd ever find out at this point.
> 
> Fast forward to the present and most days I'm okay. Most days I don't think about it and it never bothers me. Then on a rare occasion it comes up, I can't eat or sleep for a few days. It seems like every couple months the guilt comes back.
> 
> I'm certain that confessing the affair would destroy him. I'm just not sure what to do.


I am not going to attack you, I hope you are still reading. I know you feel guilty because you know you did wrong, which means there is hope for you even if your marriage ends. I am going to ask you to really open your heart to who you were before you cheated. Who you wanted to be and what you wanted your marriage to be.

Look in today's day and age we talk about agency. You probably understand that in the context of sex right. One of the reasons we understand rape to be wrong is beside the violence trauma and aftermath, what it does is it takes away the person who is being raped agency over their own body. It takes away their right to say no.

In the same way every day that you do not tell your husband who he is married to, meaning someone who cheated and broke his marriage vows, you are taking away his agency. You take away his right to choose in his own life. Not just his body but his whole future. It's wrong to do that. You don't have the right.

What you are doing is a very grave injustice. Every day you don't tell him is a day your affair continues.

You are still thinking like someone who cheats.



> I'm certain that confessing the affair would destroy him.


The act of having sex with another man destroyed him, you already did that. The act of telling him frees him and gives him his agency back. It gives him to information about his life to make choices about his future honestly.

If you ever really had any feelings for your husband at all you would want him to be able to make his own choices, you wouldn't want to hold his life hostage because you are afraid of the consequences of your actions. What is done is done, it's gonna suck. But you already did it. You know it.

And it may destroy him but you are not unreplaceable. His life will go one with or without you. He will get over it and survive. We all do.

You will also have a chance to live your life with honor again one day.

Take yourself out of the equation for a moment. The guy you supposedly love like no one else, who has spent years with you as your partner has a wife who cheated on him and hides it from him every day. Do you want someone you love to live like that?

It's time to find that person you once were really think about when you loved your husband unconditionally and have the courage to do whats right for him even if it hurts you.

My friend this is the only way you can begin to get your honor back. It's the first in a long line of steps, but it's one you can build on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Holy poop @Thumos !!!!!!!
> 
> Going to love this guy I think.


See! What the hell is he doing staying in a marriage with a cheater? This is why I called him here!

I can't believe I am saying this but maybe be a little gentler. I mean we want to help her not scare her away. The most important thing is to get her to tell the truth so her husband can have his agency back.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your guilt is already ruining your relationship. You hold yourself back from him because of it. He has the right to know and to make the choice to stay or go. Just like you made the choice to have sex with the neighbor that you both knew. I can just imagine the stories he tells about you and how worthless your husband is.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Ask yourself how its going to help him to know you cheated.


It won’t “help” in one sense. It will hurt like hell - it will just give him the opportunity to live in truth and not living a fiction and a lie. The other option is to keep digging like she’s doing and that way lies hellishness.

aside from that all the talk of introducing the very idiotic cuckold “lifestyle” is laughable and vile. The lady came looking for real world advice, not your personal wanking “who wants to be a ****” fantasy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Tell us more about your marriage.
> Kids??
> 
> I know my opinion will likely be extremely unpopular but:
> ...


Man I am SO disappointed in you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP having an affair is the opposite of courage. When you did that you didn't have the courage to face the temptation and not give into it. Having the act of courage to tell him will finally end the cycle. To live an honorable life takes real courage sometimes. But if you want to be a good person you do it.

Being a good person is not always just passively doing the right thing. There are times in life where you have to assertively do it even at harm to your own self interest. This is one of those times. You have been acting out of cowardice for too long, from the point you didn't face your lust and protect your husband but instead gave into it, to this very day.

BUT.. you did post here, seems you are ready to change. It's time to protect your husband again, even if it is from the worst of yourself.

That is what you can build the rest of your life on. It doesn't have to be a waste. It can be a period of darkness with light afterwords.

But you gotta be brave.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Yep 👍, sister you need to tell. 
He does need to know that his relationship and marriage is built on a nice house away from your lover.
A lot of WS say that if I divulge the truth my spouse will be devastate. Well he will if or should I say when he finds out.
If you did it before then it will happen again. You have had no consequence for your conscious decisions other than a few sleepless nights.
one day at a time.
Buffer


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is not a question of trying to help your husband but more about doing the right thing. You cheated on him. It was not a mistake (as has already been pointed out). It was not even a poor or bad decision. It was an evil, selfish, immoral decision. And as has been pointed out, do not try and justify it in any way - "our marriage was in a very bad place" is pathetic. 

I also would like to know honestly if you really love your husband and to what extent and why. You cannot have loved him enough if when times were tough you jumped into bed with your neighbour. Which brings me onto two things: it sounds like you cultivated a friendship with your neighbour with a view to sleeping with him; AND what happens the next time your marriage is in a very, very, very bad place ? It would be useful to know if you found the neighbour attractive? Was he your type ? This will give you an insight into your behaviour and something to work on. Which begs the question, what have you done to work on your self and ensure this never happens again ?

As for telling your husband, this needs to happen so that he can make a decision. He also needs to have confirmed to him, what kind of person you are instead of wondering about it and him second guessing himself. Nothing you say or do will "help" him short term but long term, him having the truth will help even if it ends in divorce. In any case, the guilt will continue to eat at you if you do not and that cannot make for a healthy relationship. And finally, maybe the two of you are not meant to be together and splitting up will be beneficial all round.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

My opinion, NO, don't tell. Your main reason for wanting to tell is a selfish one, to ease your own feelings of guilt. That's the same selfishness that caused the problem in the first place. All you are aiming to do by telling is to ease your own pain and transfer it to him. You are still focused on your own feelings and needs. 

I suggest there are only two proper things you could do: either end the marriage (if your husband isn't right for you and the two of you are not really happy together), or else work on yourself and your self-centredness, and really change. Not many people will do this, but it is absolutely possible. You may well need help to do it. And, as people have said, look closely at that blame-shifting tendency.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Man I am SO disappointed in you.



How can they build a marriage on a lie? If the foundation is rotton then it will eventually collapse. The poor BH has a right to know so that he can choose his own future. OP ask yourself, if your BH had a dirty weekend while away on the road, would you want to know?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You say there is no chance your husband will ever find out... Think again. At least one other person knows about it, and if he is married then at least two people know. If he was more of a scumbag and bragged to friends, then who knows how many people know. You can only control you, not what other people do or blab.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> If you're happy with your DH now, and you want to stay married to him, suck it up and never confess anything!


Yeah, that helps.
Some men will feel the marriage/relationship is damaged goods or tainted or dirty from the first day the WW cheated.
So prolonging it will only add more pain and destruction to the time spent.
Tell him NOW! and set him free to find himself another better woman than you.
Accept he will no longer touch you in any way and despise you.

By cheating you just showed your hubby he is not good enough for you.
And you have lost all your value for him.
So I hope your are feeling happy now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JenPhil Your marriage was 'in a bad place.'

What do you mean by this? Who had put it in a 'bad place'?

What was your thinking behind cheating on your husband?

What happens when your marriage is, once again, 'in a bad place'? Would you cheat again?

I would suggest counselling for you and also counselling as a couple.

Should you tell him? Yes, because your marriage in out of balance because you know something about your relationship that your husband doesn't know. As far as you are aware.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @JenPhil Your marriage was 'in a bad place.'
> 
> What do you mean by this? Who had put it in a 'bad place'?
> 
> ...


Couples counseling is a harmful waste of time after infidelity. It should be automatically off the table from recommendations after infidelity. Later if a unicorn remorseful wayward spouse has done some tremendous work, then it might be warranted. 

also I need to ask: I can understand coming here for some anonymous perspective. I don’t understand putting up a poll. You know what the Right thing to do Is. Putting up a poll about something this grave is like being in a Black Mirror episode.

seriously, you’ve had 8 years. Get off your can, do what I’ve recommended today not tomorrow and do the right thing. You don’t need an f’ing internet poll from a bunch of anonymous people to tell you that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Thumos said:


> Couples counseling is a harmful waste of time after infidelity. It should be automatically off the table from recommendations after infidelity.


I disagree with this, a lot. 

The WS and BS need to do IC first. That is an absolute must... but MC is a must as well. The marriage isn't the problem, the WS is, but the marriage is still damaged and needs help _if_ the couple decides to R. 

You absolutely should not start with MC and the WS shouldn't ask, but down the road it is helpful. I waited 4 months to start MC and it was the right timing for me and much needed. There was nothing harmful about it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

◄ Matthew 5:24 ►

Leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

I dont know if you claim to be a Christian or not, but if there are wrongs you have not made right, that your worship is not acceptable to God until you repent and reconcile to your husband what you have done.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Individual counselling - yes. Marriage counselling - no, not until you both have all the facts and you both have decided to reconcile and improve the marriage (so useless at this point).


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

bobert said:


> but MC is a must as well. The marriage isn't the problem, the WS is, but the marriage is still damaged and needs help _if_ the couple decides to R.


The MC can only happen down the road. It’s now accepted SOP that MC is harmful in the wake of a disclosure. In fact betrayal trauma specialists will dissuade an H and W from any couple counseling until a series of steps have been taken and certain conditions have been met. IC’s specializing betrayal trauma can walk a couple thru this process by two counselors working collaboratively At first before bringing the couple together down the road. Average MC’s are not equipped to deal with infidelity and usually commit several errors that make things worse.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Thumos said:


> IC’s specializing betrayal trauma can walk a couple thru this process by two counselors working collaboratively


Yes, I can see how that could work, if you could set it up. 

My own usual recommendation is that IC for the WS causes problems, because the BS *doesn't know* what's being said in those sessions. All too often, the WS is telling the story "their way" and their IC is sympathising. Or even if not, the BS will always fear that this is happening. The WS's defensive excuses get practiced and reinforced with their IC sessions. 

I guess two collaborative counsellors could prevent that. Properly done, MC prevents it. At the start, the MC is *not *about forgiveness, "moving on", or reconciliation. The facts have to be on the table. Then what happens is essentially like IC for the WS, but with the BS watching. The MC has to ask the questions and say the things that the BS wants to ask and say. I've had one or two (narcissistic) WSs quit because they felt "judged", but most are actually relieved to get it out there. 

Also, affairs are not all the same. 


Thumos said:


> betrayal trauma specialists will dissuade an H and W from any couple counseling until a series of steps have been taken and certain conditions have been met.


I'd be really interested to hear what steps and conditions you have in mind.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@JenPhil - when your husband does find out, either on his own, because you really don't know who all knows about your betrayal, or much later when you decide it is time to tell him because of some life event and you want selfishly "unburden yourself" he will hate you more than you can understand for staring him in the face for years while lying to him.

It is like betraying and lying to him every day, every minute, since you cheated.

You need to tell him for his own sake, not your guilt, though as long as you are honest, the most important thing is the truth.

For the record, it appears to me that you care for your own ego and selfish needs far more than you care for you husband.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I voted yes.
Actions have consequences. You spread your legs for another man.
I really don't care how shi**y your marriage was.
You had a choice. You could have handled it honorably and told your husband how you felt and worked to carve a constructive path forward or divorced.
Instead, you acted selfishly and impetuously, with malicious disregard for your husband's feelings.
You violated the verbal and legal contract you have with your husband. If he did the same to you, wouldn't you want to know? He has every right to know, and should have the agency to determine his way forward.
*If you give a damn about your husband, here is what you do:*
1. Start therapy with a true infidelity specialist and work to address the malfunctions within you that led to your betrayal.
2. With his/her help, prepare a comprehensive action plan as to how you repair the damage you have done. Use the McDonald book mentioned previously as your new "Bible."
3. Offer a postnup generous to him, as a good faith gesture to show remorse and show you are invested enough in him to put your money where your mouth is.
4. Offer an uncontested divorce, favorable to him if that is what he desires.
5. Demonstrate true remorse. This is all on you. He was in the same shi**y marriage as you. He apparently honored his commitment.
Present #'s 2-5 to him.
At that point, the ball is in his court.
Showing honor (even delayed,) true remorse, and an unwavering commitment to walk your talk are your best friends going forward.
Plan on at least 3-5 years to repair the damage to build a new relationship, assuming hubby is willing and you commit to the trials and tribulations of the work required. Your old one is dead.
Best of luck.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> What's in the past, stays in the past!


This is a fundamentally false assumption in the case of infidelity. It’s almost never true. Probably basically never true. 

Infidelity is like murder - the old saying “murder will out” applies. Because it is such a grave violation of human agency and free will, it will assert itself like a zombie rising from the grave. Countless, scores, of couples in which a WS thought they had ‘buried‘ an affair can attest to this phenomenon, when discovery of infidelity came out years or decades later. 

The chances of her husband finding out about it are high — much higher than that she’s able to keep it secret. The question is whether she’s willing to take that gamble, because her marriage will most assuredly end if he finds out on his own now or years later. 



Laurentium said:


> All too often, the WS is telling the story "their way" and their IC is sympathising. Or even if not, the BS will always fear that this is happening. The WS's defensive excuses get practiced and reinforced with their IC sessions.


Which is why I keep recommending IC’s that practice together and are betrayal trauma specialists. This speciality is key.

They will not do as you say with a wayward spouse and they are wise to all the tricks. I actually set this up with my own WW, and it’s really the only thing that moved her toward a written timeline and polygraph. In fact, betrayal trauma specialists who practice together will typically ask for permission to compare notes with each other between what the H and W are saying — so that a WS can’t get away with further minimization, trickle truth and so on.

Incidentally, many betrayal trauma specialists work with a licensed polygraph examiner and will help manage the disclosure process for a couple — if that’s what they want.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

I find it interesting that this person put up a message 16 hours ago asking for advice, and has yet to say a word. Not the message she wanted to hear?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you are still reading, how long did the affair last?


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Yes, I can see how that could work, if you could set it up.
> 
> My own usual recommendation is that IC for the WS causes problems, because the BS *doesn't know* what's being said in those sessions. All too often, the WS is telling the story "their way" and their IC is sympathising. Or even if not, the BS will always fear that this is happening. The WS's defensive excuses get practiced and reinforced with their IC sessions.
> 
> ...


for one thing betrayal trauma specialists will usually insist on a formal disclosure process that includes a written timeline backed for veracityby a polygraph. That’s more just the facts ma’am. This is one precondition. Another would then be an emotional disclosure process that gets at the whys, the feelings, the thought process of the wayward. That’s another precondition.Yet another would be for the wayward to walk through a series of sessions and questionnaires that are specific to them. There’s a lot of focua on how the wayward can begin making themselves a safe partner and taking tangible steps. only after much of that would the IC’s recommend a form of couples counseling where the two spouses come together in sessions

affairs are certainly not the same - yet they share so many commonalities like the “cheaters script” that there can be a set of tools and SOP that addresses infidelity, stops the bleeding and starts healing. They are different but frankly not that different. It is usually about a person being selfish and doing it because they want to and because they like it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thumos said:


> I find it interesting that this person put up a message 16 hours ago asking for advice, and has yet to say a word. Not the message she wanted to hear?


Maybe they are tabulating the results of their survey. 😬


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thumos said:


> This is a fundamentally false assumption in the case of infidelity. It’s almost never true. Probably basically never true.
> 
> Infidelity is like murder - the old saying “murder will out” applies. Because it is such a grave violation of human agency and free will, it will assert itself like a zombie rising from the grave. Countless, scores, of couples in which a WS thought they had ‘buried‘ an affair can attest to this phenomenon, when discovery of infidelity came out years or decades later.
> 
> ...


Besides that SHE knows. So it effects her, it cause her interactions with him to be dishonest and inauthentic. The first and primary thing we want and expect from every relationship is authenticity. 

It's not in the past because it's in her present.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

I’m awfully surprised that anyone with amy knowledge or experience with infidelity would recommend trying to bury it and keep it secret. 

I would be curious to hear the 11 “no” votes’ rationale — beyond of course the usual false and logically incoherent bromides about “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!” or “what happens in the past stays in the past!” If that’s all you got, don’t bother.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

sokillme said:


> it cause her interactions with him to be dishonest and inauthentic.


And is causing her mental anguish, ill health and depression — if her own statement is to be believed. That obviously has an impact on the marriage and on him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thumos said:


> I’m awfully surprised that anyone with amy knowledge or experience with infidelity would recommend trying to bury it and keep it secret.
> 
> I would be curious to hear the 11 “no” votes’ rationale — beyond of course the usual false and logically incoherent bromides about “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!” or “what happens in the past stays in the past!” If that’s all you got, don’t bother.


Just so you know there are some admitted "reformed" serial cheaters on this site. There is no screening like SI.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Just so you know there are some admitted "reformed" serial cheaters on this site. There is no screening like SI.


Which is fine. But the justifications for keeping this secret are weak in the extreme, logically incoherent and facially absurd based on what the OP herself has disclosed to us. That anyone would recommend secrecy in the face of the facts and what everyone knows about infidelity is gobsmacking and suggests they’ve learned nothing and aren’t all that reformed. Even the reddit adultery crowd readily admits and states verbatim that it is the path to hell. And they mean it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thumos said:


> Which is fine. But the justifications for keeping this secret are weak in the extreme, logically incoherent and facially absurd based on what the OP herself has disclosed to us. That anyone would recommend secrecy in the face of the facts and what everyone knows about infidelity is gobsmacking and suggests they’ve learned nothing and aren’t all that reformed. Even the reddit adultery crowd readily admits and states verbatim that it is the path to hell. And they mean it.


I am not saying you are wrong. I agree completely but not everyone has been cheated on, and people who cheat just don't see loyalty and fidelity as a big deal. (something to keep in mind when thinking of your wife by the way). Certainly not sacred. Also some people actually say they wouldn't want to know and are adamant about it. We actually had a thread on here once about that.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Also some people actually say they wouldn't want to know and are adamant about it. We actually had a thread on here once about that


Hmm - Surprising - it never works out well when secrets are kept.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP the results are in, guess you are gonna have to tell.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sokillme said:


> OP the results are in, guess you are gonna have to tell.


I kind of think we scared her off...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I kind of think we scared her off...


Of course she was scared off... she didn't get the answer she wanted. Chances are she wanted a bunch of people to say "don't tell!" so she could keep justifying it to herself.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Good case study in denial perhaps. We’ll see if she comes back, I suppose.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

JenPhil said:


> I'd made the mistake


Just caught this one. OP, this is classic “cheaters script” language. There must be something in the human brain that triggers this sort of obfuscation. This is another phrase you should eliminate from your vocabulary if you want to truly be transparent and accountable.

A mistake is when you didn’t buy eggs at the grocery store, or you added something wrong.

Infidelity is not a mistake. You didn’t accidentally trip, take a prat fall, fall smack dab on another man’s genitalia -- it could happen I suppose, but imagine the odds and how hilarious! ”Whoops I seem to have somehow fallen on your member. How embarrassing.“

Maybe that would be a funny gag in an upcoming rom com or something.

But in the real world? Nah.

So saying it was a mistake elides your responsibility for taking a willful series of steps and making countless decisions in favor of being unfaithful.

Start taking accountability. Start owning your decisions. Start being honest with yourself. Start being honest with him.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> I'm staying in the "no" camp. I think its your burden to bear. Ask yourself how its going to help him to know you cheated. I know the majority of folks believe he should know the truth and have the "opportunity" to do what he wants with it but remember its going to cause pain, mind movies, and doubt for him; that he may not get over. Again the guilt and burden is yours to bear, why would you want to off load that on him to clear you own conscience. Telling him won't un-affair you but only have two people burdened by it. Sides that, if you think your guilt has adversely effected your marriage, try letting him know you f'd around while he was on a trip.
> There is a possibility however he may like it. There are plenty of guys who are initially po'd but come around to thinking it hot for another guy to be with their wives. The balls in your court melady. BTW, when a husband asked for no apparent reason, "have you ever cheated", a yes response will likely get, " so describe what it was like".


100 percent wrong. The reason a husband would ask is because he‘s in pain and suspects something is wrong, has gone wrong, or went wrong in the past. He’s not going to get all hot and bothered and starry eyed about it, trust me. He’s going to be sad, shocked, angry, speechless, dumbfounded, grieved and permanently altered.

And that is no reason for you to avoid being honest.

What an absurd fantasy To think he will want to engage in some kind of fetish over it.

Don’t listen to this nonsense.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Thumos said:


> for one thing betrayal trauma specialists will usually insist on a formal disclosure process that includes a written timeline backed for veracity by a polygraph. That’s more just the facts ma’am. This is one precondition. Another would then be an emotional disclosure process that gets at the whys, the feelings, the thought process of the wayward. That’s another precondition.Yet another would be for the wayward to walk through a series of sessions and questionnaires that are specific to them. There’s a lot of focus on how the wayward can begin making themselves a safe partner and taking tangible steps. only after much of that would the IC’s recommend a form of couples counseling


Yeah, that seems like a good list. Like I said, I'd do those things mainly with the BS witnessing it. (Except the polygraph; they are not really used in the UK).


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Polygraphs are really one of the best tools in the toolbox for any type of recovery from infidelity. They are accurate and can reassure the betrayed spouse that what he’s being told is in fact the TRUTH. They also put psychic pressure on the wayward spouse to come clean, and this is almost as important a reason to use them as anything else. If the wayward spouse has been holding back relevant information, a polygraph can force a “parking lot confession.” That’s why most betrayal trauma specialists are using them now. That said, some betrayal trauma specialists shy away from them - but there are so many instances where they provide the only empirical backing for what a cheater is claiming.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Like I said, I'd do those things mainly with the BS witnessing it.


Yes the disclosure sessions always involve the betrayed. On top of that, the IC working with the wayward can also have an Open agreement with the injured spouse to talk to them about the sessions that are being conducted.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Thumos said:


> Hmm - Surprising - it never works out well when secrets are kept.


Such a sweeping statement.

I suspect the number of affairs that are never discovered, dwarfs those that are.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You've been given good advice here.

I have a practical question though.

Did you get tested for STDs after your affair?

If you haven't then you need to.

You may have contracted an infection without knowing it and passed it to your husband. Some, like the one my ex-wife infected me with can be silent for many years. HPV is what she gave me and it has resulted in oral cancer 20 years later.

I'm not trying to scare you without purpose. This is a very real threat to both your own health and that of your husband.

It is not just the emotional and spiritual failing to deal with.


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## PassThis (Apr 25, 2020)

Odds are eventually your BH will find out. Your guilt may cause you to slip. You may blurt the secret out one day in anger, or after too much to drink. Something will trigger you, and he will see it in your face, feel the awkwardness, and know that you have a secret. It is much better for you, in the long run, for him to find out from you, and as soon as possible. Lying and keeping the secret just compounds your terrible decisions and bad acts. It helps if you are truly remorseful, transparent, and willing to work hard to "fix" yourself, be patient while he heals, and become a trustworthy FWW.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Such a sweeping statement.
> 
> I suspect the number of affairs that are never discovered, dwarfs those that are.


We have no way of knowIng. But spouses who‘ve been betrayed almost always know something isn’t right with the marriage, they just don’t what is wrong. They think about it for years trying to figure it out. 

I doubt that the number of affairs undiscovered dwarfs those that have been. Our divorce rate in this country is 50 percent and most of that can be attributed to infideilty, even if the divorce happens years later. Much of the time “we just drifted apart” is sugarcoating infidelity and covering it up. 

So even if the _real, real_ truth is never discovered the infidelity poisons the well of the relationship, taints it, and that essentially is “outing” it in any case.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Thumos said:


> We have no way of knowIng. But spouses who‘ve been betrayed almost always know something isn’t right with the marriage, they just don’t what is wrong. They think about it for years trying to figure it out.
> 
> I doubt that the number of affairs undiscovered dwarfs those that have been. Our divorce rate in this country is 50 percent and most of that can be attributed to infideilty, even if the divorce happens years later. Much of the time “we just drifted apart” is sugarcoating infidelity and covering it up.
> 
> So even if the _real, real_ truth is never discovered the infidelity poisons the well of the relationship, taints it, and that essentially is “outing” it in any case.


My wife was married 10 yrs to a serial cheater before me. She has seen photos of my co workers and spouses and called it before the spouse knew. Its like she has ESP and they send off radio waves or something. It is spooky. One of those was my sister in a 3.5yr affair before she OD'd whwn her FBuddy dropped her.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I'm not going to say confess or not to confess. I'm going to relate something I heard a student say in a Psychology class I took in college many many years ago. He said that half of the confessions people make are made to free themselves of the guilt and the loss of their self respect at the expense of the wellbeing of the person they are confessing too. 

People say that he has the right to know and make his own decisions at the expense of his present happiness. Will he ever find out? What are the odds? Maybe...maybe not. There are lots of secrets that people take to the grave with them. To be honest, if my wife cheated once on me 8 years ago I don't want to know. I'm happy and have a good life. Why would I want to destroy that with a confession that I can't change or do anything about? Now if she was still cheating and had cheated before then I would want to know. 

Something I learned in military intelligence: Everyone has secrets they don't want known. Even the next door neighbor and the person sitting in front of you at church. If you don't then you have been living under a rock. They don't have to be infidelity secrets they could be something you did in college that you will never tell anyone.

You do whatever you think you can live a happy life with. I do wish you well.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Spending time with them was a damn site better that listening to that harpy gripe and complain. (an left me some good memories. I hope, beyond the guilt, Jen has some to)


What are you talking about?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

confessing to remove your WW guilt and pain does nothing to help the BH.

making amends for having an affair, giving your BH the truth to enable him to
repair your marriage or divorce you, does help the BH, yet also causes then
BH to face a lot of pain.

can you guarantee that you will never cheat (how do we know you will not
fail again to be faithful)?

What kind of wife are you now, mother, is there anyone that can do a better
job than you now, and continue to do so till death do us part?

not a black and white answer, though I lean to the confess camp.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BruceBanner said:


> What are you talking about?



i think he means, he used to hang out with strippers, but wasn't one himself?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Thumos said:


> It won’t “help” in one sense. It will hurt like hell - it will just give him the opportunity to live in truth and not living a fiction and a lie. The other option is to keep digging like she’s doing and that way lies hellishness.
> aside from that all the talk of introducing the very idiotic cuckold “lifestyle” is laughable and vile. The lady came looking for real world advice, not your personal wanking “who wants to be a ****” fantasy.


I gave her real world advice. Don't tell him and bear the guilt. Whose to say that's not better advise than, "Fess up and get it off your conscience". Whatjew going to say if he losses it and beats the crap out of her or maybe drives into a tree at 80 mph. You think a women with a husband, four girls and a boy, should tell her husband, if he ask "Tell me the truth. After four girls, is the boy mine?", should say, "Yes honey, the boy is yours. The four girls, on the other hand....."


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Yes


VladDracul said:


> You think a women with a husband, four girls and a boy, should tell her husband, if he ask "Tell me the truth. After four girls, is the boy mine?", should say, "Yes honey, the boy is yours. The four girls, on the other hand....."


yes. And this exact scenario happens more often than one thinks. And how awful and evil for a woman to have a man raise kids he thinks are his when they aren’t. Any woman who does this is pure evil. And they are out there.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

scaredlion said:


> Will he ever find out? What are the odds?


Probably pretty good. Better than you think. If she’s going through bouts of depression and anxiety and withdrawal every two months, probably pretty high.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

JenPhil said:


> x I'd made the *mistake*
> x Our marriage was in a *very bad place*
> x I found my "*dream home*"
> x *it never bothers me*.
> x I'm certain that confessing the affair would destroy *him*.


I don't think "*him*" should belong in your reasoning. Stick with "*me*," "*my*," and "*I*" and you should be alright. 

To be clear, I think you should keep deceiving him and keeping him in the dark. He doesn't deserve the pain of the truth of what his wife did to him.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> be clear, I think you should keep deceiving him and keeping him in the dark. He doesn't deserve the pain of the truth of what his wife did to him


Wrong. He isn’t deceived. If the OP is to be believed, she’s still doing it to him in the sense that the affair and its ramifications never really stopped. The ghost of the OM is haunting their marriage even now.

The moment she tells him it will all make sense to him. He may not know the details but he knows something is troubling his marriage. How could it possibly be healthy for either of them to urge her to continue on this path?


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

I'm very much inclined to think that anyone that creates a poll on whether or not to confess to infidelity, especially given the context provided by the OP, was never seriously considering confessing. The OP did this, primarily, to get it off her chest. Even if the poll results were +90% to confess, she almost certainly isn't going to. The arguments for confessing aren't going to persuade her either. Hell, I doubt she's even considering the arguments for not confessing. Again, I think she wanted to lift some of the guilt off herself. That's about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are of course two points of view on this. Only about 50% of those who are betrayed ever find out about their spouse's affair(s).

One is to not tell because doing so would serve to hurt your husband terribly and destroy your marriage. The argument is that most often, the cheater will tell their spouse for to ease their own feelings of guilt. To make yourself feel better about your cheating is a very bad reason for telling your spouse. And, it seldom actually makes the cheater feel better. The main accomplishment is to trash your marriage. If you don't tell him, then make sure you spend the rest of your life repenting by loving him and being the best wife you can be.

The other point of view is to tell. The reasons are that radical honesty is important in marriage and because your spouse has the right to know what's going on in their life. The betrayed spouse has the right to know so that they can decide if they want to stay in the marriage based on the truth.

Which is the best answer? Don't know.

Having been cheated on, I can tell you that I wish I had not found it out. I wish he had just stopped the cheating and dedicated the rest of his life to our marriage and to me. Instead knowing about his infidelity devastated my life and my son's life.

It's your decision. It might help for you to get some individual counseling to help you work through this.

Just know that if you do tell him, he will react to is as though the affair is current. The fact that it was a few years ago will not matter.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

BruceBanner said:


> What are you talking about?


Simply, the time I spent with the neighbors was a welcome break after living with my ill tempered, never pleased, complaining, ice berg, coveting, feminest, ex-wife. That was many moons ago my man. The girl I'm married to now (25years) gives me no reason to visit the neighbor ladies.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Again, I think she wanted to lift some of the guilt off herself. That's about it.


I don’t disagree but specifically how would doing this alleviate her guilt? So she blew off some steam online ... and then?

To me it reads more like someone genuinely struggling. The poll is weird and kitschy and immature - so it’s someone struggling who isn’t very empathetic and is caught up in their own narrative.

All I can say is the affair and its consequences are still with you, OP, every morning when you look in the mirror and know what you did.

It will haunt you the rest of your days.

You could start to become a better person RIGHT NOW by putting a stop to the torture of your husband.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Only about 50% of those who are betrayed ever find out about their spouse's affair(s).


Source?


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> The main accomplishment is to trash your marriage.


That mission has already been accomplished


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Having been cheated on, I can tell you that I wish I had not found it out.


I’ve also been cheated on and I can say that while there are times I wish this too, I know that’s just a retroactive “time machine” fantasy because of the pain I’m experiencing dealing with the truth. so when I really examine it deep down, I know that I don’t wish I’d never found out about my WW cheating. It’s like saying I wish I’d picked a different major in college or I wish I hadn’t married her in the first place. Wish, wish, wish. You can play that game all day long. I’d rather live in truth, authentically.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I was cheated on and I wish the affair was aired back then so I would have enough information to make an informed decision about my life with her. Instead, she kept doing it and the secret for years.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Thumos said:


> I don’t disagree but specifically how would doing this alleviate her guilt? So she blew off some steam online ... and then?


Good question. I'm honestly not sure. Admittedly, guilt was probably not the right word to have used. I'm not sure of what the correct word is. Mainly, my intent was to say that I believe her confessing here is mostly about herself, with the hope that it would help alleviate some of her burden, for lack of a better term. Regardless of all that, I am nevertheless still of the belief that she has no real intention to confess to her BH.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Don’t say anything. Won’t do anything but hurt your marriage at this point.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Certainly you can tell the truth but you have to be prepared for the possibility your marriage will end if you do.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

michzz said:


> I was cheated on and I wish the affair was aired back then so I would have enough information to make an informed decision about my life with her. Instead, she kept doing it and the secret for years.


Agreed! I’m seeing way too much misguided wayward thinking in threads like this. Is it really acceptable around here at TAM to recommend burying affairs? Take that over to Reddit’s adultery forum where it belongs. If you want to “cope” with infidelity, then do it. That means honesty, not the cheaters handbook.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

bkyln309 said:


> Won’t do anything but hurt your marriage at this point.


a logical fallacy. The marriage is already limping along. What you have said flies in the face of the empirical data provided by the OP herself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Thumos said:


> Agreed! I’m seeing way too much misguided wayward thinking in threads like this. Is it really acceptable around here at TAM to recommend burying affairs? *Take that over to Reddit’s adultery forum where it belongs. *If you want to “cope” with infidelity, then do it. That means honesty, not the cheaters handbook.


As you've seen, there is no 'groupthink' at TAM. Diverse opinions are encouraged and welcomed by most. 

Please don't be telling members where they should post - it's disrespectful.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Wayward thinking is for **** - defend it if you want but it ain’t “diverse” - such a cop out. That’s the truth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Thumos said:


> Wayward thinking is for sh*t - defend it if you want but it ain’t “diverse” - such a cop out. That’s the truth.


It looks like you've been defending it for four years.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like you've been defending it for four years


Takes one to know one. Same with you - “diverse” 😂😂😂. I mean really. No. Really.
and that’s kind of an interesting version of DARVO On your part.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> As you've seen, there is no 'groupthink' at TAM. Diverse opinions are encouraged and welcomed by most.
> 
> Please don't be telling members where they should post - it's disrespectful.


Until they send you belittling PM's telling you more or less what and where to post
Kind of a crude attempt to intimidate. I made my position clear and direct.
It really happens. It just happened to me.
Just a Public Service announcement. Sorry for the threadjack.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tdbo said:


> Until they send you belittling PM's telling you more or less what and where to post
> Kind of a crude attempt to intimidate. I made my position clear and direct.
> It really happens. It just happened to me.
> Just a Public Service announcement. Sorry for the threadjack.


Report the PMs to the moderators. Don't let anyone tell you that you can not post your opinion (unless it is a moderator).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thumos said:


> Agreed! I’m seeing way too much misguided wayward thinking in threads like this. Is it really acceptable around here at TAM to recommend burying affairs? Take that over to Reddit’s adultery forum where it belongs. If you want to “cope” with infidelity, then do it. That means honesty, not the cheaters handbook.


Yes, it is acceptable on TAM for people to express their points of view. It's up to the reader to take it or leave it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Thumos said:


> Agreed! I’m seeing way too much misguided wayward thinking in threads like this. Is it really acceptable around here at TAM to recommend burying affairs? Take that over to Reddit’s adultery forum where it belongs. If you want to “cope” with infidelity, then do it. That means honesty, not the cheaters handbook.


Your obviously believe no opinions are valid except your own. That much is clear. God forbid anyone see it otherwise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thumos said:


> Wayward thinking is for **** - defend it if you want but it ain’t “diverse” - such a cop out. That’s the truth.


Using cute spellings for profanity here on TAM is for ****. I edited your post so that the profanity filter can edit out your cursing. It's against forum rules to bypass the profanity filter like that.

You are not the owner of the


SunCMars said:


> Such a sweeping statement.
> 
> I suspect the number of affairs that are never discovered, dwarfs those that are.


I've seen statistics on this. At least 50% of affairs are never discovered.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tdbo said:


> Until they send you belittling PM's telling you more or less what and where to post
> Kind of a crude attempt to intimidate. I made my position clear and direct.
> It really happens. It just happened to me.
> Just a Public Service announcement. Sorry for the threadjack.


You can report the harassing/belittling PM to the moderator team. There is a "Report" link at the bottom right of each post in a PM (or Conversation as they are now called). Then the mods will take care of it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

scaredlion said:


> People say that he has the right to know and make his own decisions at the expense of his present happiness. Will he ever find out? What are the odds? Maybe...maybe not. There are lots of secrets that people take to the grave with them. To be honest, if my wife cheated once on me 8 years ago I don't want to know. I'm happy and have a good life. Why would I want to destroy that with a confession that I can't change or do anything about? Now if she was still cheating and had cheated before then I would want to know.


That's the standard therapist philosophy.

Here's the 2 reasons I disagree with it. First, secrets tend to come out. One way or another. Maybe there is something else she has kept secret which comes out, and then H asks if there is anything else like cheating, and she gets the deer-in-the-headlights look which gives it away. Maybe the OM's new wife or an old buddy decides to tell. Maybe the OP here gets really angry at her H one night about something, and after a drink or two blurts it out in anger at him. Maybe her own guilt which is already causing her issues gets to the point where he starts asking questions or they go to MC, and then it comes out.

Secondly, a person has the right to make decisions about their life based on truth. If, as you pose, this was truly a one-off which never happens again, it is still something he should know about to decide if he wants to remain married. Maybe he would prefer not to know, but it isn't someone else's place to make the decision for him to remain clueless. 

Now to put the two together, betrayed people universally see everything since the first event as living a lie. Everything for the last 8 yrs has been a lie. The longer it continues, the worse it is because the cheater has perpetrated the lie more and more.

The betrayed typically feels they have been cheated out of all those years. So, if he finds out somehow in another 10 years, it is that much worse.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> You can report the harassing/belittling PM to the moderator team. There is a "Report" link at the bottom right of each post in a PM (or Conversation as they are now called). Then the mods will take care of it.


Thanks, but all's fine.
I'm a big boy and handled this one myself.
Told (I guess him) exactly what my feeling was on his opinion.
He can PM me again if he needs additional clarity.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Jumping in a little late as this thread is nearly 100 posts in, but as a BH whose W confessed 6 years after her EA ended let me tell you that I'm firmly in the 'you need to tell him' camp.

Bottom line- as others have pointed out, your DH knows something isn't quite right- he just doesn't know what it is. Come clean. He deserves to know and your marriage will never reach it's full potential if you continue to hold on to such an intimate secret. 

Be prepared though- it will be rough. Seek out a counselor first- open up fully to a professional and let them help to guide you. Do NOT, in ANY way, blame this on your DH if you want to recover from this. Any sort of blame-shifting will either severely slow his recovery or destroy it outright. 

Own it. Truthfully. No lies, misinformation, or trickle-truth. Confess fully and be prepared to answer questions and deal with thoughts that you've buried deep down. 

And be patient- you've had 8 years to move on from this. This will be brand new to him- as if it happened yesterday.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Tdbo said:


> I'm a big boy and handled this one myself.


Glad to hear it. Folks harassing and criticizing me doesn't happen enough. I like it when things get torqued up. (Then the dadgum mods got to step in and spoil the fun.... Here's looking at ja Ele )
Ole Thumos is new here and hasn't completed his initiation yet. You just have to cut him some slack on trying to come off as the king of spades.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thumos said:


> Agreed! I’m seeing way too much misguided wayward thinking in threads like this. Is it really acceptable around here at TAM to recommend burying affairs? Take that over to Reddit’s adultery forum where it belongs. If you want to “cope” with infidelity, then do it. That means honesty, not the cheaters handbook.


This site is not just about infidelity so we have a much broader range of opinion, the best way to look at this is to use it as an informed opinion to help you shape your own. Oh and be happy you are not married to them. Well...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Glad to hear it. Folks harassing and criticizing me doesn't happen enough. I like it when things get torqued up. (Then the dadgum mods got to step in and spoil the fun.... Here's looking at ja Ele )
> Ole Thumos is new here and hasn't completed his initiation yet. You just have to cut him some slack on trying to come off as the king of spades.


Agreed, this site is for people with strong opinions. I personally have on problem with people telling my my opinions are crap as long as they can back it up. I draw the line when they call me crap, or make it personal. Debate is good that is how you learn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This thread is becoming a thread jack. If you post here, address the OP's question. All other posts will be deleted.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'd like to know the direction Jen is heading with this. There are two other recent threads that demonstrate the anguish her husband will likely feel for something that happened years ago. Again, there is more risk "fessing up" than just giving him a opportunity to maybe ditch a once unfaithful wife. Nobody know how this guy's going to react. If her marriage is sour today, there is way more going than the guilt she feels or displays from her actions 8 years ago.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Let's get back to the basics of the thread. The OP said she gets depressed and withdraws, stops eating etc about every few months. Her guilt is eating her alive. Her husband knows something is wrong, but he doesn't know what it is. 

She can go with option 1: Don't tell. Guilt continues to gnaw at her, marriage continues to flounder, husband continues to be confused and worried. Maybe with option 1 they will stay married and she can whiteknuckle it. Or the whole thing dissolves in a few years under the strain of the unspoken and they drift away into other lives, him never knowing exactly why his wife just couldn't make it work. Either way it's a half life at best, a dessicated relationship unrewarding for all.

Option 2: Tell. Tell everything. Hold nothing back. Do everything recommended in Linda McDonald's book. Take all the steps. Maybe he leaves her. Maybe the shock and strain are too much for him. But she's given him a chance to use his free will to decide his own destiny. Or maybe he stays and they reconcile -- if she has it in her to be a truly remorseful spouse signing for years of hard work.

Option 2 is better because it respects and values all human beings need for autonomy in the situation, rather than privileging the needs of one. 

Option 2 is also better because it addresses the intrinsic basic ethical morality of secrecy versus truth and transparency. Some secrets save lives, as in a war. Some secrets destroy lives, as in one about an affair that is slowly eating one spouse alive while the other spouse flounders in confusion. 

Option 2 is also better because it establishes a new relationship between two people - whether they are divorced or together -- that is based on truth rather than lies. 

I believe that most people, if asked, would prefer a relationship based on truth.

As far me getting in a snit about wayward thinking, well, I have my opinion and it's a strong one. But as the millennials say - in a weirdly self refuting phrase - "you do you."


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Thumos said:


> Let's get back to the basics of the thread.
> 
> She can go with option 1: Don't tell. Guilt continues to gnaw at her, marriage continues to flounder, husband continues to be confused and worried. Maybe with option 1 they will stay married and she can whiteknuckle it.


Yes ... let’s get back to the basics.
Which are.... she never said her marriage was floundering or her husband was confused.

She did however say he would be distroyed.

Im not saying bury it for her sake... it’s for his.

I usually don’t give that type of advice but it’s past, long gone and behind them. Why distroy him. Not worth it in my opinion.

Well Jen ..... what do ya think? It’s a lot to consider.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Yes ... let’s get back to the basics.
> Which are.... she never said her marriage was floundering or her husband was confused.
> 
> She did however say he would be distroyed.
> ...


Lmfao. She has everything to gain from keeping her little secret and everything to lose from revealing it so of course she will side with your opinion. Hiding her secret ultimately protects her own ass. Let him decide whether he wants to stay with trash or not. Hopefully this situation energizes him enough to remove himself from this ****ty situation.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Which are.... she never said her marriage was floundering or her husband was confused.


Implied


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The OP said her husband would be destroyed. Possibly, but it is more likely that her reaction to his reaction is more than she thinks she care bare.

As a betrayed, sure, I personally would be upset, devastated. For a period of time a I processed what she did in deceit.

I would them be empowered to make an informed decision about my life--denied to that point.

I see burying the truth as a continuation of the deceit, the affair.

It is a bit paternalistic to think a grown man would be unable to handle it.

It totally makes sense to me that the OP is protecting herself and saying it is to protect him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

michzz said:


> The OP said her husband would be destroyed. Possibly, but it is more likely that her reaction to his reaction is more than she thinks she care bare.


Well said 👍


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

michzz said:


> The OP said her husband would be destroyed. Possibly, but it is more likely that her reaction to his reaction is more than she thinks she care bare


Exactly she is projecting


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thumos said:


> Just caught this one. OP, this is classic “cheaters script” language. There must be something in the human brain that triggers this sort of obfuscation. This is another phrase you should eliminate from your vocabulary if you want to truly be transparent and accountable.
> 
> A mistake is when you didn’t buy eggs at the grocery store, or you added something wrong.
> 
> ...


 Exactly 'a mistake' His 🍆accidentally fell into her 🍯 Right!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Thumos said:


> Let's get back to the basics of the thread. The OP said she gets depressed and withdraws, stops eating etc about every few months. Her guilt is eating her alive. Her husband knows something is wrong, but he doesn't know what it is.


Leading me to think there's a third option. She's depressed and withdraws because she continues to live with a man that she has little romantic interest in (the reason she cheated to begin with). She does not have the wherewithal to get out and she subconsciously, or maybe consciously, is considering telling him so he'll pull the plug on a marriage that neither is getting much out of.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Leading me to think there's a third option. She's depressed and withdraws because she continues to live with a man that she has little romantic interest in (the reason she cheated to begin with). She does not have the wherewithal to get out and she subconsciously, or maybe consciously, is considering telling him so he'll pull the plug on a marriage that neither is getting much out of.


She cheated, marriage is over anyway.

OP has left the building.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Leading me to think there's a third option. She's depressed and withdraws because she continues to live with a man that she has little romantic interest in (the reason she cheated to begin with). She does not have the wherewithal to get out and she subconsciously, or maybe consciously, is considering telling him so he'll pull the plug on a marriage that neither is getting much out of.


Your take on female infidelity isn't always applicable.

She might be very invested and interested in her husband where she wasn't one weekend 8 years ago.

Her anxiety and guilt are more than likely the results of betraying someone she loves and is committed to.

I think your take on her interest in her husband had some validity on a particularly sleezy weekend 8 years ago.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Imagine spending your whole life lying because if the primary people in your life knew who you really were they wouldn't want to be with you? Sounds like a nightmare. Unless she confesses she spends the rest of her life as a fraud to everyone around her, knowing that every interaction in her life isn't real. It's all based on a lie. So she has no real relationships, it's all just a giant act she puts on. What a pathetic way to go through life.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Post content has been deleted. I have already posted a warning on this thread to not thread jack and instead address the OP's question. 

You are apparently working very hard to earn a time-out ban.

{Speaking as a moderator - EleGirl}


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm locking this thread. 

@*JenPhil* if you would like the thread reopened, send a private message to me and I'll reopen it.


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