# Sex during R



## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I haven't read much on this, but do you think it is hurtful to habe sex when trying to reconcile, or is it helpfull? I am male btw, and as angry and hurt as I am it is hard to just stop. If it would help then I would stop. It's just hard to say no lately, especially since she seems to be "making up" through really trying during sex since I found out about her affair.
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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Nothing wrong with it unless she thinks that the sex is the R, in which case you may have to lay down your rules and expectations that much more clearly.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I do say that, "this isn't changing anything, it's just sex". I know it's hurtfull, but I don't know how else to say it. I'm not exactly trying to be nice in all honesty right now.
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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

It would help to know where you are in your R. How is she behaving? Is she remorseful? What is your opinion of what she isn't doing?


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

1 month. I would say bad communication. It's arguing, but not yelling. It's a lot of quiet and a few random days of completely getting along. She is absolutely sorry and very remoursfull. I feel like I am missing information, but I know that she did have sex with OM. I am getting to the point that I think I can accept that I won't ever know everything that took place, but I feel very far from happy or being sure we will R.
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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I wouldn't recommend it. Its difficult for most people to separate sex and their emotions, and sex is one of the most common tools in the book of a wayward spouse when it comes to manipulating their BSs.

Get their mind all fuddled with good sex and then declaw them.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Granted women use sex as a way of getting a lot if things, but if you swing your little guy the right way, it works for men too. 

Keep telling her that its just sex, stay aware of it, and the emotional aspect can be completely removed. Just mind your words in that moment of vulnerability afterwards, that's where they really get you. Just 'ahhh, that's better' and walk out.
Sex can put a women in her place, as long as you're still doing things the right way outside of it, take your wife, let it awaken what's there, think like a ****ing Lion..
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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

^well that's awesome, and for the most part what I've been doing. I feel like it is throwing her totally off. To be so intimate then cold shoulder her. Not trying to play games, but jeez for what I went through I could do much worse to her.
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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Are you absolutely madly gagging for it?

That is a common phenomenon known as hysterical bonding, it can be helpful after an affair. You are 'claiming your woman back'


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

triedhard111 said:


> 1 month. I would say bad communication. It's arguing, but not yelling. It's a lot of quiet and a few random days of completely getting along. She is absolutely sorry and very remoursfull. *I feel like I am missing information, but I know that she did have sex with OM. I am getting to the point that I think I can accept that I won't ever know everything that took place*, but I feel very far from happy or being sure we will R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful. You are only a month into R. Your feelings will change over time. You will become resentful over what she has done.

I did the same thing and over time I realized that I could not proceed with R without absolute openness, honesty, and truth. Make sure you keep the magnitude of what she did in perspective...this is serious stuff with life altering implications. 

As far as sex goes...You could be experiencing hysterical bonding but True HB is usually very passionate in nature. HB is good for R but only if it is authentic. If it seems like just sex...then it probably is just that. She could be just trying to control the situation with sex...my STBXW did that. If that is the case then take it for what it is but don't allow yourself to forgive too quickly and get emotionally attached. This is a thin line to walk.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> I haven't read much on this, but do you think it is hurtful to habe sex when trying to reconcile, or is it helpfull? I am male btw, and as angry and hurt as I am it is hard to just stop. If it would help then I would stop. It's just hard to say no lately, especially since she seems to be "making up" through really trying during sex since I found out about her affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well if you are enjoying it go for it, but stay alert and somewhat detached to ensure it's not a false R. 

Also, you may feel a tad disgusted with yourself during hysterical bonding. 

I don't know if this is just a female thing, but a lot of women have mentioned feeling degraded after HB sex if their husband is the one who cheated. 

I did. And, one woman here said she had to take a bath and scrubbed her skin almost raw after HB sex.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I would've thought that regaining and rebuilding a healthy sex life was all part of a successful R and would argue that the lack of sex and rebonding would be detrimental to a successful recovery.
As long as all the other issues are being adressed and there is no rug sweeping going on then I think it's healthy.

As a BS myself I can understand that R is a very personal thing for each couple, but my H and I resumed our sex life quite quickly and it has certainly helped our R.
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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am going to take the general mantra of cheating spouses and say:

If it feels good, do it.

When it stops feeling good, stop doing it.

You have enough crap to deal with. If release is helping, go have a happy.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

We had insanely passionate HB for about 6 weeks.

I can't say it affected the eventual outcome (I suppose I won't know that for at least 12 months anyway) but that and subsequent sex helped me deal with the pain.

Goodness knows whether it has helped or hindered or what it might have harmed or not helped or whatever. All I know is that I felt better afterwards and enjoyed it.

I therefore agree entirely with Falene!


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I'm jumpin on this Falene/Chris train too.

We experienced 9 and 1/2 weeks of pure Hysterical Bonding. Every day, sometimes more than that - a day. Not so bad for a couple in our 40s. 

But yes, it was very confusing. Even in the early days when looking at him disgusted me, or when I just wanted him to go die a slow death somewhere (metaphorically)...I still ended up sleeping with him. I couldn't NOT! It was so confusing to me, that I Googled it! (Before I came on to TAM). And found the words - Hyterical Bonding. 

For me it was a positive because I had completely lost interest in sex before the A. I had actually thought maybe there was something physically wrong with me! HB told me otherwise! 

But I posted about it as well (close to what your post says), and I was warned of the dangers of HB in R, but also was told to enjoy it while I could. 

It was all very confusing to me....I did enjoy it while it lasted, and like Chris, I don't know if helped or hindered anything. 

But it sure was fun!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think it help in my case, Its been 2-1/2 years now and thing are all good.

Back in the day when she dropped to her knees for fogiveness, I figured while she's down there lets see how sorry she realy was.

Sure I'm wired different then most but I also need some degree of submission from my cheating wife to keep her around.

As long as a wayward is doing the heavy lifting to save the marriage and afair proof the marriage then why not throw them a bone!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> As long as a wayward is doing the heavy lifting to save the marriage and afair proof the marriage then why not throw them a bone!


That's a very clever double entendre! :rofl:


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> Nothing wrong with it unless she thinks that the sex is the R, in which case you may have to lay down your rules and expectations that much more clearly.


:iagree:








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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Just wanted to chime in with my viewpoint. I couldn't go back there, I flipped it and ended up using sex to get what I wanted. When she realized she no longer had that power over me she lost it. How could I no longer desire her? This man she once felt smothered by, this pervert who only ever wanted sex doesn't want her? I would have to say that I am a completely different person than I was back than but of all the changes I made I think this one had the biggest impact. Oh the hypocrisy, life changes when you get rejected for the first time, meanwhile I was rejected thousands of times prior. Looking back I could have been an a hole sooner and controlled the situation but that is still hard to swallow that it was my fault for being a pu$$y.
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