# It’s (one year since) DDay



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

It’s kind of like re living hell again. I feel like I’ve gotten to experience it twice. Yesterday was Sunday, and it happened on a Sunday, so I couldn’t help but feel the sting last night. “Oh yeah,,, it’s 7:30pm. My husband was having sex with some girl this exact time last year”. 

It’s pretty painful, especially as memories come up from last year. December is a busy month for our family with Christmas, my birthday, my husbands birthday. There are so many triggers, it’s unreal. 

Is this a normal way to feel? I feel so depressed suddenly. I’m really scared I am going to skip back into the panic/anxiety state I was in over the summer (from constant depression over it). I literally had a 2 week straight panic attack. Scariest time of my life. 

My husband is somewhat understanding of me being triggered literally everyday. He has made some improvements in many ways, but has also failed in many ways. He is much more involved at home. I don’t feel the close intimacy I want and need but I also withdraw myself a lot, so how Can I?

I feel like some self help improvement is necessary as this stage. Some of you may know, I am pregnant with my third child. Due to the expected weight gain, I am feeling self consious. I feel too tired to work out. I have no time to see a therapist. I am eating badly. I’ve lost a lot of motivation. I need someone to come kick my butt. Anyone have any advice on working on yourself without seeing a therapist? any good books? 

Thanks for listening to me ramble on this sucky day. I really just want to move past all of this hurt.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I hear this a lot and what I do is to treat one day like any other day. So its a year since he cheated, in reality its just a normal day so make sure that you keep yourself occupied and dont let you mind stay on it. Don't let a particular date mean anything and dont reflect on it. Think about other things and do other things.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It takes a while to fade. But only after the second year did I have significant release from that pain.
My first DDay was Jan. 9th 2002. She had sex with a co worker while I had my 3 kids with me out of town on Dec.27th 2001.
I feel for you hang in there. You are not alone.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

It makes for an emotional Christmas Season when it occurs during this Time. You know it happened at this time and with all the events occurring it does cause a trigger. Mine happened at this time and memories always are kicked up because of the association with the season.

Sorry you are here, stay strong, breathe deep and remember to keep moving forward.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it's normal. the horror and images never go away really. time does heal though.
you will fluctuate between anger and depression.
you will find as time goes by, the pain will lesson. 

you will never be completely healed until you finally make peace with it, either with or without your husbands help. 
it's a personal journey and everyone is different.
it took me personally about 4-5 years to make peace with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why won't you/don't you want to see a therapist?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> it's normal. the horror and images never go away really. time does heal though.
> you will fluctuate between anger and depression.
> you will find as time goes by, the pain will lesson.
> 
> ...


I can say the images and pain goes away if you move on and fall in love with someone else. Then thing that gives them power (the love you have for your WS) no longer exists.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why won't you/don't you want to see a therapist?


No time. I work full time, pregnant with number 3. It’s hard to find a therapist to meet after hours or on the weekend and it cost a ton of money. I feel like I am hardly home as it is.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> It’s kind of like re living hell again. I feel like I’ve gotten to experience it twice. Yesterday was Sunday, and it happened on a Sunday, so I couldn’t help but feel the sting last night. “Oh yeah,,, it’s 7:30pm. My husband was having sex with some girl this exact time last year”.
> 
> It’s pretty painful, especially as memories come up from last year. December is a busy month for our family with Christmas, my birthday, my husbands birthday. There are so many triggers, it’s unreal.
> 
> ...


WE HAVE THE SAME D-DAY....except mine is 3 years today. To answer your question YES this is NORMAL. You may slide back a lot emotionally but in many respects (I BELIEVE) in my case this was because i and or HE was rugsweeping. 

The fact that you say he is SOMEWHAT understanding and he has had SOME improvements tell me that is HAS BEEN RUGSWEPT. 

You want intimacy BUT YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM.... one year is early for that anyways. 

You can keep working on your. Honestly I would ignore him since he is only somewhat and some involved in improving. I would be completely uninvolved with him. I would 180.... To be honest. You are bound to feel anxiety and pain on this day. I certainly do, 3 years out today... I shake my head. Hurt so bad. I know your pain... I can go back there in my head and feel it all over again. But what changes it to being better is feeling good about my husbands actions the last year. He has grown a lot. IM PROUD OF HIM.... Are you proud of your husband? Or just giving him a participation trophy? 

I hope and wish you the best for today. Im thinking about you.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> It’s kind of like re living hell again. I feel like I’ve gotten to experience it twice. Yesterday was Sunday, and it happened on a Sunday, so I couldn’t help but feel the sting last night. “Oh yeah,,, it’s 7:30pm. My husband was having sex with some girl this exact time last year”.
> 
> It’s pretty painful, especially as memories come up from last year. December is a busy month for our family with Christmas, my birthday, my husbands birthday. There are so many triggers, it’s unreal.
> 
> ...


WE HAVE THE SAME D-DAY....except mine is 3 years today. To answer your question YES this is NORMAL. You may slide back a lot emotionally but in many respects (I BELIEVE) in my case this was because i and or HE was rugsweeping. 

The fact that you say SOMEWHAT understanding and SOME improvements tell me that is HAS BEEN RUGSWEPT. 

You want intimacy BUT YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM.... one year is early for that anyways. 

You can keep working on your. Honestly I would ignore him since he is only somewhat and some involved in improving. I would be completely uninvolved with him. I would 180.... To be honest. You are bound to feel anxiety and pain on this day. I certainly do, 3 years out today... I shake my head. Hurt so bad. I know your pain... I can go back there in my head and feel it all over again. But what changes it to being better is feeling good about my husbands actions the last year. He has grown a lot. IM PROUD OF HIM.... Are you proud of your husband? Or just giving him a participation trophy? 

I hope and wish you the best for today. Im thinking about you.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> adegirl2016 said:
> 
> 
> > It’s kind of like re living hell again. I feel like I’ve gotten to experience it twice. Yesterday was Sunday, and it happened on a Sunday, so I couldn’t help but feel the sting last night. “Oh yeah,,, it’s 7:30pm. My husband was having sex with some girl this exact time last year”.
> ...


Thanks for the advice. It makes perfect sense. In many ways I believe he feels he deserves a participation trophy. 

Changes - he has stopped smoking weed (but has snuck it a few times behind my back, what kind of trust building is that? He even gaslighted me before finally telling the truth.

More involved with the children and home - well... they are HIS kids and HIS home, he should do that married or not. 

Goes to church - plenty of people go to church. He spent a month or two deep into his bible and seemed to really be convicted ... but looking back, this was only after she threatened to sue for sexual harassment in the workplace. Its like he realized there would be no consequence except me nagging so he stopped. Makes me think it was all for show but his best friend, who really is a great christian who is obviously deep in his faith, says it is common for Christians to slip now and then, with the business of life. 

He got me a new wedding band to try to signal a new start - this was days ago, for my birthday. I was disappointed that he literally handed it to me and that he didn’t write a letter or some kind of speech that is lucky he is to still be with me. 

He does initiate sex way more often - so the frequency has improved. But again, it’s very one sided. I still feel hurt in this area so I withdraw. I have still caught him watching porn and looking at women at times, which is a turn off for me. I am pretty much Unengaged so I guess his only option is to be selfish in bed so atleast he gets what he needs. Idk. 

New friends - he hangs out with a new crowd. Most really seem to be good guys. No bad influences. 

So basically he says he has changed a ton and I am just not seeing it. Sometimes I feel like I am expecting too much.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

No...he stuck his wang in tang... I hate tang. Lol. 

You are not expecting too much to expect a faithful (sober) husband. My husband, and I also smoked weed. We needed to eliminate this addiction and had trouble doing so in the beginning. so I can relate on the weed. Lying about that says he is still a wayward. Using porn.... Ugh. this is a tough on for me. I was fine with porn before affair....after it bothered me. I forbayed it. I caught him a few times and went bonkers.... 

I think there is a difference to a degree if you were fine with porn before... And then flipped. But i still think it's reasonable to not like it. I ended up allowing porn but telling him that it bothers me and is effecting our sex life and my desire to be with him so if he choses that then so be it. it was not an ultimatum, it was just how i am. He stopped using porn... LIKE he really did. Im still just shocked. I dont forbid it. I wont flip out if i find it, but im more passive now. He will suffer in other ways than my wrath... I emotionally and physically am reviled by him if he watches porn now. 

a few months back i asked him about his computer and why he does not watch porn anymore. Because i told him three years ago if he ever deletes history we are through. FINISHED.... I have here as my only secret.... OTHERWISE we are transparent. He told me that he was done with porn, and that i was right, it did feed his desire to have sex with other women. That it did make him think of porn when we did have sex and that he didnt use it for many months. Kinda surprised me. 

Your husband he sounds un-remorseful. Regretful, yet... 

Mine was not remorseful after a year. I thought he was, i hoped he was.... He wasnt REALLY changing till about may of this year so two and a half years into trying to reconcile. The last three years have been a rollercoaster. And we are better than we have been since our nightmare began but it is not over.

You see, he finally got remorseful after 2 and a half years... But he inflicted SO much mental anguish in his rugsweeping, defensiveness, insensitivity to my pain over that time that its THAT wound that i may never get over. Sure he is sorry and remorseful for the affairs... But what about the **** he did in the aftermath? 

What about the stuff your husband is or ISNT doing now? This is what will end the marriage if he does not kick himself in the rear.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't forget that men very often need VERY EXPLICIT descriptions of what you need. Just saying 'care more about me' is like a physicist trying to explain math to a first grader. 

Try the "when you/then I" stuff. 

And there are plenty of therapists who work on the phone now, on your schedule, if you're so inclined. 

And I would be talking to his best friend about his 'fake' revival in faith and asking for his help.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> No...he stuck his wang in tang... I hate tang. Lol.
> 
> You are not expecting too much to expect a faithful (sober) husband. My husband, and I also smoked weed. We needed to eliminate this addiction and had trouble doing so in the beginning. so I can relate on the weed. Lying about that says he is still a wayward. Using porn.... Ugh. this is a tough on for me. I was fine with porn before affair....after it bothered me. I forbayed it. I caught him a few times and went bonkers....
> 
> ...


Your post is so relatable. 

I used to not care as much about weed, bc in the very beginning I did it too (before kids, career, school) but I quit as soon as I realized what was important. So I found it unfair to say no more. Now I feel I have every reason to establish new boundaries. He also said being high all the time contributed to his bad mistakes,... so no more.

I also have not cared about porn in the past and it has never affected last relationships. But I can tell when my husband watches. He pulls away and suddenly sex is like a porno. He even said this contributed to wanting to have an affair as well. So? No more. 

How could you tell when he went from regretful to remorseful? How did you survive the time in between?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

adegirl2016 said:


> My husband is somewhat understanding of me being triggered literally everyday. He has made some improvements in many ways, but has also failed in many ways. He is much more involved at home.* I don’t feel the close intimacy I want and need but I also withdraw myself a lot, so how Can I?*



You know, I posted my first time over 5 years ago, 9 months after my wife's A, and asked similar questions. After being in R 6 years, I have gained some perspective; but I don't know I can say it's all positive.

I've found that for me, that intimacy you're looking for has a ceiling, an emotional ceiling. I thought it would improve over the years, but I've never been able to get past it. It's good enough to get along with her most of the time, and at this point I've just learned to accept it. It's not that she hasn't demonstrated remorse. She's done a reasonable job at that, particularly with her words.

However, as of the last few months, that lack of intimacy has finally been decreasing her motivation for sex (or so she says) and with that, increased my resentment for lack of sex. It's now becoming a viscous circle. We had a argument about that this weekend where I felt compelled to print out a old FB message where her POSOM wrote to her that "he was proud he had my woman and that she would do anything for him sexually. Anything, any time, any place. Take that a-hole." (he was referring to me). I reasonably asked her why I should accept any less than what she gave to him.

Sorry, I know I'm venting. Back to you. By sharing my little diatribe, I was trying to give you an idea about how intimacy is important, especially to women. With time I hope you will be able to open up your heart again and trust your husband enough to regain it. Much of that trust will be dependent on your husband's demonstrated remorse and patience, plus your capacity to overcome any lingering resentment; which as you can see, I still find difficult. Perhaps MC can help you through that or perhaps IC can. But R, even in the best of circumstances, is a long, difficult journey for the BS.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> Your post is so relatable.
> 
> I used to not care as much about weed, bc in the very beginning I did it too (before kids, career, school) but I quit as soon as I realized what was important. So I found it unfair to say no more. Now I feel I have every reason to establish new boundaries. He also said being high all the time contributed to his bad mistakes,... so no more.
> 
> ...



I caution you about the hard line on porn and on weed, UNLESS you actually go through with leaving when he is caught lying or using porn. Otherwise this is allowing each lie, and each act of using porn to inflict more pain on your psyche. 

I chose to not have a hard line, Because i obviously have not left. I chose to react differently when i did catch him. i communicated my pain, and did not allow discussion. I don't care to hear his opinion, it would only be rationalizations, like all men do it, etc. But then i would drop it and withdraw my own way. Talk about hitting my insecurities, his affair partners were perfect 10s, and here i am fat from having three kids... When he hit the porn i ate doughnuts and bonbons, i snacked on popcorn, and chips. Gorged on burgers and fries. Ballooned up 40lbs, on my already overweight body. Struggled there too.... He eventually realized he was causing me to give up on ever trying to attract him again. Why compete with them? 

i cant really offer advice on how to survive in the meantime. I was under the impression multiple times that he was remorseful, but then something would happen to prove that he wasnt even close.

Everyone has their threshold. You can hold out and DREAM that he gets it. Some never do.... Mine got it, and is still in the process of more epiphanies even now. It is a work in progress. We still might not make it, I still got a hard grudge... Like mondo... but i take it a day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time. Some times are better than others even with my husband getting it.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> adegirl2016 said:
> 
> 
> > Your post is so relatable.
> ...


The hard line is exactly what I have learned about through this process. I have realized it is MUCH more about the lying and hiding than it is the actual act. I hate the fact that he may be leading his own life separate from me. Like I know we are individuals obviously but as his wife, I want to be his best friend too. I don’t want him doing crap with other people and being like “I hope my wife doesn’t find out!!” How embarrassing and degrading to me. I used to get that way when he would smoke with coworkers or old friends. I’m sure he would tell them not to tell me. Lying and secrets ruin intimacy.

He apparently told this girl I was controlling and over bearing. This statement still gets to me today. Maybe this is weird to others but I completely stopped doing his laundry and I no longer spend a day of the week cleaning the house. I guess in a way it’s my way of showing everyone, I’m not controlling and overbearing, I just want a decent looking house, clean clothes so our mornings are smooth during the week, and well behaved children (and husband for that matter ?) but I really just stopped caring in many ways. 

Just rambling on again... 

I am really really hating him today. I went out for a Christmas dinner for work and he was sending me all of these dirty texts. I don’t even care. I am so turned off. By him. Ugh!


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Is all normal adegirl, don't beat yourself over it too much... It sucks but gets better after year 2, and remember you can always end it. 
As far as what he was telling her, omg plz, do not let it get to you, this is standard procedure for every Cheater to talk crap about their spouse, they have to, they gotta do it to justify their cheating and still live w themselves 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me the porn and weed and lies alone would be enough to not want to be with him.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

It helps me to be aware of reality. When a reminder strikes and my mood plummets, I make a conscious effort to distinguish reality from my current feelings. Like, what I feel vs what I know.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> Don't forget that men very often need VERY EXPLICIT descriptions of what you need. Just saying 'care more about me' is like a physicist trying to explain math to a first grader.
> 
> Try the "when you/then I" stuff.
> 
> ...


Yup, we need instructions. Its not on purpose, we can just be off in another world half the time.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

1 year after an affair - you are far from healed. It takes years and I still have angry thoughts about my ex 3 years later and I haven't seen her for 2. I can't imagine how hard it is still being with your partner.

My advice is rather than try to block/avoid the pain, set some time aside each day and try to "sit" with your emotions (let them happen) and OBSERVE your reactions. 

Being a highly analytical person, I researched this and the process is quite literally the process of allowing the frontal lobe in your brain to observe/analyse/reason the memories coming from your temporal lobe. Perhaps set yourself 30 minutes to do some meditation on a mat. The reason it is important to be in a calm environment is that your frontal lobe also controls your emotional response. If your emotional response is strong, it will overcome any attempt of analysis. Like getting a needle jab, if you know it is coming, you are prepared for it to happen you can stay calm and reduce the anxiety around that event.

This made a lot of sense to me and in my opinion explains why I literally feel numb, dumb and frozen when I had a painful emotional response. 

This is something I worked on with my therapist and it has the affect of working through your anxieties whilst allowing yourself to be somewhat removed from the direct memory.

I also found that avoiding or blocking the pain didn't allow me to progress through the stages of healing. I felt stuck, depressed, confused, anxious, lazy etc.

The more you allow yourself to "sit" with and observe your pain, the quicker you will move forward. 

Making progress is a positive, encouraging feeling in itself which will help you to maintain forward progress.

You can do this without therapy but if you struggle to do so I strongly recommend seeing a therapist until you have the hang of it yourself.

Good luck. 

ps I recommend exercise after each session to clear the mind. Even just a quick 15 minute run on the treadmill to get your heartbeat and a sweat going.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thanks guys. It’s great to have people who understand. I just wish all of this would go away. Today is tough. Memories of the pain I felt afterwards. It sucks.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

It will go away. This was a bad day. A bad week. But don't judge all your progress by how you are feeling today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One piece of advice I heard many years ago is one of the best: If you're in a place where you need to cry: go ahead. But set a timer for 30 minutes. Once the timer goes off, get up, wash your face, and go DO something. Tomorrow, set the timer for 29 minutes; rinse and repeat. Then 28 minutes. Then 27. And so on. By the end of a month, you'll likely find you have little need left to cry or mourn, because you'll have been dealing with it all month and GETTING CONTROL over it.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I can get myself under control, usually. My marriage feels out of control and I hate it. It’s like a big part of my life is unstable and i can’t stand it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, remember that you can only control what YOU do. To even hope for someone else to do something differently is madness. My IC kept pushing me to find ways to get control over my life that DO NOT REQUIRE the participation of my H or anyone else. What can you do to that end?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I went back and read your other posts. I remember your first post like it was yesterday, AND my reply to you. I think i replied to you on the second page. 

I remember you being pregnant and about ready to pop. Etc.... 

Brought all the pain back for me, (but it is alright) at this point i'm used to triggers. 

To be honest your husband and your sex life is off.... You spoke of it in the first post that he did not touch you after seeing the first baby come out. That HE WAS SCARRED....

Did you ever get confirmation that it was only oral? 

What did a LOT for me in trusting the narrative was actually getting a polygraph. I did that on year two and a half and it massively got me on better footing to reconcile. I think you have been unable to reconcile because you dont have the full truth on this last affair or the supposed EA from before. 

If you never get these answers i never see Reconciliation working out. His word will NEVER be enough.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

He admitted almost two months after DDay that they had sex too. I hate even typing that out. It makes me want to just cry at the thought. The trickle truth certainly makes things worse. Ripping off the bandaid would have been much better. 
I do suspect it happened more than once (he admitted to making out on a closing shift and then meeting at her apartment a few days later. He says I caught him in the same day they had sex, which is unbelievable to me) there was no long text history or anything but they obviously communicated a lot at work. I also suspect other affairs. He swears on anything this is the truth. But he swore On our kids lives he didn’t have sex with this girl and later admitted that he did,so what Can I trust?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> He admitted almost two months after DDay that they had sex too. I hate even typing that out. It makes me want to just cry at the thought. The trickle truth certainly makes things worse. Ripping off the bandaid would have been much better.
> I do suspect it happened more than once (he admitted to making out on a closing shift and then meeting at her apartment a few days later. He says I caught him in the same day they had sex, which is unbelievable to me) there was no long text history or anything but they obviously communicated a lot at work. I also suspect other affairs. He swears on anything this is the truth. But he swore On our kids lives he didn’t have sex with this girl and later admitted that he did,so what Can I trust?



I really advise that you put him through a polygraph. If he refuses you have your answer. If he accepts you will get your answers too. It was a world of difference to me. I believe it will give you a world of peace. 

I am so sorry... I understand your pain.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters rarely volunteer more than you suspect -- and usually not more than you have proof of. It's very difficult to R when you don't feel you know everything because what you do know has been trickle-truthed. BTDT (and I don't recommend it). 

You don't feel your marriage is where it should be at this point and you are correct -- it isn't.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

He has said before he would take one. That gave me some confidence.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> He has said before he would take one. That gave me some confidence.


Mine did too, he promised to polygraph and I thought that should be enough, his willingness to do it. 
So i shelved it for a few years. 

Mine did a mini parking lot confession the night before the poly. He admitted to fantasizing about a co worker back when we were really young that he wanted to have an affair with. She never reciprocated but he admitted to masturbating to her.... That hurt. Then he also admitted to much more online relationships than he could remember. Short lived, etc. Nothing important till the last recent ones closer to D-day that almost turned into PA. 

So I learned that he was telling the truth, just not all of it. 

You will find out more. There is always more. Sometimes it is minor stuff, like flirtations, or crushes... OR full other relationships with EA, and PA. But the thing is, your imagination can do worse things to you than the truth. And just imagining them doing those things and possibly still lying about it effects your emotions, and psyche. You deserve to have a mind at peace and rest when it comes to the past, because the future will always be unknown. Dont make future and past unknown. You owe it to yourself to hold him to that promise. Book the appointment.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

If you do book the appointment, you need a game plan. Worst case senario, and best case. 

You are pregnant, make sure you have some food you can tolerate in the house for if you have a D-day again. (Meaning more truths uncovered or confessed. 

Decide if there is another D-day what will you do, will you kick him out? Will you need to have him stay for kids? Or will you go to your family? I recall they are local. Will you give him a chance to try to Reconcile again? Know what you want in regards to that, it will make things easier in the days after. 

If he passes, don't expect magically to feel better right away. I had some conflicting emotions after when i found out things were not how i thought it was. Meaning it was better than I thought, i had weird emotions that i had to work through. 

Be ready for any outcome. One thing about preparation gives us a sense of control, and you mentioned you feel out of control. Take control of your needs. you will fell much better for it.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thanks guys. 

I mentioned it to him again and he said he can understand how that would make me feel better. I then told him that finding out more information after a polygraph will result in me leaving. Whereas I will never leave for him being honest with ME. Hmmm


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

adegirl2016 said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> I mentioned it to him again and he said he can understand how that would make me feel better. I then told him that finding out more information after a polygraph will result in me leaving. Whereas I will never leave for him being honest with ME. Hmmm


I know what your going through. Mine will take a Poly, I have not done it yet because I know there is a iceburg under the surface.
I have nearly died from the stress already. I could not take it. 
They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. 
I wish you the best and that you get the peace you need from it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The devil you know is NOT BETTER THAN the devil you don't. You only get one life. To stay with a cheater just because you think you can't get any better is selling yourself short. And a shame. If you're that stressed, get help. But don't settle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

adegirl2016 said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> I mentioned it to him again and he said he can understand how that would make me feel better. I then told him that finding out more information after a polygraph will result in me leaving. Whereas I will never leave for him being honest with ME. Hmmm


Great. Now schedule it. 

Unless you're just moving on. Are you?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I just went back and read your full thread (the main original thread) You got pregnant just when you were thinking to cut ties. I know you are pregnant, but this guy is not getting it. Plus i re read that disgusting message from the Co-worker about how he would harass and objectify women all over the work place. How is he feeling now in light of all the sexual abuse scandals going on in politics and hollywood? 

I cant see the attraction... I cant see the point. As much as our situations parallel they are not the same. Your husband sounds like a man child, that refuses to own up to his actions, and treats you like a mom to ask permission to smoke weed. 

This is unhealthy, no wonder you are so lost. To a degree this is all normal, but your husband is a poor example of a man and father.... 

Do you have daughters? How would he feel if and likely WHEN he daughter is treated like that? 

Please do yourself a favor, re read your past posts today. I have been following your journey since the beginning it seems, and just forgot who you were.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I unfortunately read them all the time to remind myself who I am dealing with. It just sucks. Why can’t my life be normal!!! Although I guess everyone deals with crappy situations, it just may not include infidelity. 

At this point, what would you guys of expected a remorseful spouse to do and how would they demonstrate this?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Oh and the baby we had last December is a little girl. So yes, we do have a daughter. The other two are boys (oldest and new baby).


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Someone mentioned his porn use... the problem with the porn use is that he looks at women’s bodies. Like he will google “big tits” or “tight A5s”. And get off to pictures of girls butts and boobs. He will watch YouTube videos of girls shaking their butts (trying not to use too bad of language, can’t rmemeber the rules). I would way rather him watch two people have sex or a threesome or something. But no - he gets off to specific women. It hurts even worse than normal porn to me. Is this normal for men to do?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

He even got to a point where he knew I could see his YouTube and google history, so he downloaded a Gif app and will search that app for “big butt” “big tits” 
So it’s like his desperate.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Are you anything like these types of women? Sounds to me he is as selfish as ever. 

Don't get me wrong. Porn and pictures is not the hill I want to die on. But you are wanting an entirely different person than who he is and who he ever was. YOU have already told him NUMEROUS times things have got to change. Have they changed enough? Do you want this to be your life? or worse? 

i know you have given him consequences, but have they been the right ones? Or enough impact? 

If you want them to change you must wake them up smell the coffee... From my stand point he is in a coma.... I (might) walk if i were in your position. 

after a year, he isn't getting enough of the situation. It's not that he is not remorseful, it's that he is not even CLOSE to it. Not even a glimmer from what you have given insight to. 

One year out, im sorry HE is not further in the process. that is why YOU are not healing.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Well I mean I’m sure I could always make myself better but I don’t see myself too far off from what he is looking at. I mean, even pregnant with number three, I have managed to keep my figure I have always had. Other men hit on me frequently. Even pregnant. I am only 25 but with him I feel like I must be a grAndma. With HIM I no longer feel attractive. I feel boring. I don’t like the person I am when he is around. 

How can you judge someone’s remorse? How cAn I make him get it? What Can I do besides leave? Someone mentioned going to my parents. I don’t want to. Mine are not normal. They actually still hve young children at home themselves. Sounds like a nightmare.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> Well I mean I’m sure I could always make myself better but I don’t see myself too far off from what he is looking at. I mean, even pregnant with number three, I have managed to keep my figure I have always had. Other men hit on me frequently. Even pregnant. I am only 25 but with him I feel like I must be a grAndma. With HIM I no longer feel attractive. I feel boring. I don’t like the person I am when he is around.
> 
> How can you judge someone’s remorse? How cAn I make him get it? What Can I do besides leave? Someone mentioned going to my parents. I don’t want to. Mine are not normal. They actually still hve young children at home themselves. Sounds like a nightmare.


I think you husband is bored. You can be smoking hot, but he isn't seeing you. If he was you would not doubt his interest. Other men hit on me and im OBESE! but im pretty sure my husband remembers me at 16, 125lbs, with 32 E boobs, nice butt but small waist. Much nicer than the 243lb monster he sees now. But he makes me feel loved and cherished all the same. i HAVE major insecurity about me because I was thin when we got together. You are thin now, besides being pregnant. He just wants variety and that is SELFISH thinking. 

How can you judge remorse? Well, hindsight... im three years in. I was only able to judge it when he got it. If there is any doubt, HE DOESNT GET IT. Their actions change DRASTICALLY, they stop the bull****... He has not stopped....He is still trying to get life and circumstances his way. It is about control... 

You can keep waiting for him... But i will tell you. It is the slowest rout to him understanding what he has done to you and how to help you. If you stay in a marriage, you need his help to recover. If you leave you can heal on your own. 

Any problem is not insurmountable. It may not sound ideal but have HIM leave. You stay put. Make him go to his parents. i told you almost a year ago that you needed space. I am afraid you never got that space!?


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

adegirl2016 said:


> I
> 
> At this point, what would you guys of expected a remorseful spouse to do and how would they demonstrate this?


I think you recognise remorse. You feel it. My husband is so, so sorry and ashamed. He is crushed because of the pain he caused me and he wants to do everything for me and for our marriage. I can see he is genuine. 

Also, transparency. He now leaves his phone within my reach and I have access to it. He tells me if he is going to have lunch with a female colleague and asks me if I'm ok with that. 

Of course, nothing is ever 100% certain in these situations, so I don't really rely on the phone as some kind of evidence. I trust my instinct more. And I can see he is doing everything to make things right.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Wow. So you took my thoughts and made them into words. He doesn’t see me. It’s so true. I can’t tell you how many times I hve gotten dressed in front of him, or undressed for that matter, only for him to not even take a second glance. 

He has been all over me lately, but again, he really is just selfish anyway and I think he can tell I am not into it and so that means I won’t ask him to do anything more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

adegirl2016 said:


> I unfortunately read them all the time to remind myself who I am dealing with. It just sucks. Why can’t my life be normal!!!


Because you accept poor treatment.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Yes the mind movies would really hurt. Don’t blame yourself for not feeling motivated. I can see becoming a downward spiral. There are good times and bad times and when I’m in a rough patch and I’ve stuffed up I need to learn to forgive myself. 

Maybe a book like Love is Choice will help provide some DIY therapy. It specifically looks at the issues we might be holding on to from childhood and how it affects the dynamics of adult relationships, particularly marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

adegirl2016 said:


> He even got to a point where he knew I could see his YouTube and google history, so he downloaded a Gif app and will search that app for “big butt” “big tits”
> So it’s like his desperate.


He's not desperate. He's lost what little respect for you that he ever had, and now he has moved on to the PAIN stage, where he enjoys hurting you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

adegirl2016 said:


> With HIM I no longer feel attractive. I feel boring. I don’t like the person I am when he is around.
> 
> How can you judge someone’s remorse? How cAn I make him get it? What Can I do besides leave? Someone mentioned going to my parents. I don’t want to. Mine are not normal. They actually still hve young children at home themselves. Sounds like a nightmare.


The nightmare is the marriage you have.

And you can't make anyone do anything. That's the path to madness. 

Do you know what you really need, adegirl? A therapist who will work with you to figure out why you have such low self esteem and accept sh*t from him.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I think I have a hard time with boundaries for some reason. I’m sure it’s something to do with childhood. Even now, I think I had kind of a rough childhood due to my parents crazy divorce when I was six. They whole family fought for years, even my grandparents. My parents were terrible at co parenting and my mom didn’t talk to me for ten years. My dad would still espect me to hound her for money when I needed it even though we both knew she would ignore me all together. If you ask my parents, it wasn’t that bad at all. I had nice things and lived in a nice home. And my dad isn’t totally crappy, he was just crappy when it came to my mom. He parented me and my brothers by himself. My feelings have always been made to be like they aren’t real or justified, so I have a hard time with that now. 

I have read books on boundaries and co dependency as I think they are big problems of mine. I really don’t have time for therapy right now or the money.


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## Spring123 (Dec 13, 2017)

adegirl2016 said:


> I think I have a hard time with boundaries for some reason. I’m sure it’s something to do with childhood. Even now, I think I had kind of a rough childhood due to my parents crazy divorce when I was six. They whole family fought for years, even my grandparents. My parents were terrible at co parenting and my mom didn’t talk to me for ten years. My dad would still espect me to hound her for money when I needed it even though we both knew she would ignore me all together. If you ask my parents, it wasn’t that bad at all. I had nice things and lived in a nice home. And my dad isn’t totally crappy, he was just crappy when it came to my mom. He parented me and my brothers by himself. My feelings have always been made to be like they aren’t real or justified, so I have a hard time with that now.
> 
> I have read books on boundaries and co dependency as I think they are big problems of mine. I really don’t have time for therapy right now or the money.


Your childhood sounds terrible but sadly not uncommon. Mine sucked too. I've been married for a long time and it has been filled with lots of conflict. I was six also when my parents divorced and had no idea how to have a "real" marriage. i got my ideas from TV. 

That being said I think you're very nice to stay with your husband after he cheated. I don't think I'd be so nice.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

turnera said:


> adegirl2016 said:
> 
> 
> > He even got to a point where he knew I could see his YouTube and google history, so he downloaded a Gif app and will search that app for “big butt” “big tits”
> ...


You really think he is enjoying it? I was thinking for if super selfish.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Another thing on my mind. He never had feelings for this girl. I would almost rather him of been swept away or something. I could hve maybe made sense of that in my mind. Like ok we have a crappy marriage and someone swept you off your feet and made you think the grass was greener. He said the other night, when I asked him why he did it, “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see her naked”.
Instant tears. Like who says that?? He says he was not being mean to me, it just came out of his mouth. I guess I am saying I feel like he is some kind of dog sometimes. Not a mature man. Is there a difference in these types of cheaters? Is one more remorseful than the other?


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## Spring123 (Dec 13, 2017)

adegirl2016 said:


> Another thing on my mind. He never had feelings for this girl. I would almost rather him of been swept away or something. I could hve maybe made sense of that in my mind. Like ok we have a crappy marriage and someone swept you off your feet and made you think the grass was greener. He said the other night, when I asked him why he did it, “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see her naked”.
> Instant tears. Like who says that?? He says he was not being mean to me, it just came out of his mouth. I guess I am saying I feel like he is some kind of dog sometimes. Not a mature man. Is there a difference in these types of cheaters? Is one more remorseful than the other?


If he was really into the girl you'd have a bigger problem. Men don't leave women they're into easily. I think he was being dead honest when he said "I just wanted to see her naked." I laughed when I read it because it does sound childish. Do you think he still wants to experience other women?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> Another thing on my mind. He never had feelings for this girl. I would almost rather him of been swept away or something. I could hve maybe made sense of that in my mind. Like ok we have a crappy marriage and someone swept you off your feet and made you think the grass was greener. He said the other night, when I asked him why he did it, “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see her naked”.
> Instant tears. Like who says that?? He says he was not being mean to me, it just came out of his mouth. I guess I am saying I feel like he is some kind of dog sometimes. Not a mature man. Is there a difference in these types of cheaters? Is one more remorseful than the other?


I guess that’s the ultimate question. Does he? I have no clue


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

adegirl2016 said:


> adegirl2016 said:
> 
> 
> > Another thing on my mind. He never had feelings for this girl. I would almost rather him of been swept away or something. I could hve maybe made sense of that in my mind. Like ok we have a crappy marriage and someone swept you off your feet and made you think the grass was greener. He said the other night, when I asked him why he did it, “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see her naked”.
> ...


Quoted the wrong post. Oops


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, he does want to experience other women. It's not about feelings for him. It's about sex. That's difficult to overcome in R because the temptation for "new" is always there.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I thought all men wanted to do that?? I know they don’t allact onit but still


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some act on it and some don't. Your husband acted on it and unless he changes dramatically enough so that you find some level of trust again you're going to have a very difficult time. You'll wonder -- with reason -- what he's doing when he's not with you. You now know what your husband is capable of and you'll never forget it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

adegirl2016 said:


> Another thing on my mind. He never had feelings for this girl. I would almost rather him of been swept away or something. I could hve maybe made sense of that in my mind. Like ok we have a crappy marriage and someone swept you off your feet and made you think the grass was greener. He said the other night, when I asked him why he did it, “I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see her naked”.
> Instant tears. Like who says that?? He says he was not being mean to me, it just came out of his mouth. I guess I am saying I feel like he is some kind of dog sometimes. Not a mature man. Is there a difference in these types of cheaters? Is one more remorseful than the other?


Yes, there are different types of cheaters. Serial cheaters who care only for their own happiness (and have no respect for their wives) and incident cheaters, who fall into an affair by getting their emotional needs met. You obviously have the former. What does that tell you? That you will NEVER have a decent life with him. I know a good dozen men like your H. They flat out BELIEVE that as a man, it's their right to go out and screw any woman who will let them. The wife is for staying at home and meeting domestic needs and midnight sex and all the other women are for pleasing HIM. One of these guys, _on the day after he got married_, pulled a woman outside the building they were working in and screwed her in the back parking lot. 

He IS some kind of dog. Please don't consider any kind of life with him. And please don't raise kids with him because kids become just like their parents and they also marry people just like their parents.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Some act on it and some don't. Your husband acted on it and unless he changes dramatically enough so that you find some level of trust again you're going to have a very difficult time.


adele, this is important: he will NEVER change if you stay with him. He has no REASON to change if you accept him as is.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

turnera said:


> Yes, there are different types of cheaters. Serial cheaters who care only for their own happiness (and have no respect for their wives) and incident cheaters, who fall into an affair by getting their emotional needs met. You obviously have the former. What does that tell you? That you will NEVER have a decent life with him. I know a good dozen men like your H. They flat out BELIEVE that as a man, it's their right to go out and screw any woman who will let them. The wife is for staying at home and meeting domestic needs and midnight sex and all the other women are for pleasing HIM. One of these guys, _on the day after he got married_, pulled a woman outside the building they were working in and screwed her in the back parking lot.
> 
> He IS some kind of dog. Please don't consider any kind of life with him. And please don't raise kids with him because kids become just like their parents and they also marry people just like their parents.



I am afraid i agree with this on the two types of cheaters. Your husband DOES seem like the Serial cheater, and not the situational. Emotional affairs and falling for the other person is more fixable than callous disrespect so that he can get what he wants. This is your life. 

Yes, serial cheaters can change, but often NOT WITHIN the relationship. They normally lose everything and have a REAL come to jesus moment with themselves on all they have LOST, not all that they might lose. Might and almost losing you is not really special to him otherwise he would not be making you go through this still. 

The porn use is what is making him grab you and jump you more. I would bet dollars to doughnuts he is whacking it, or has another other person he is interested in and is slaking his lust on you. 

But i dont know this for fact.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yes, he does want to experience other women. It's not about feelings for him. It's about sex. That's difficult to overcome in R because the temptation for "new" is always there.




It’s horrible it was my husbands reason, I’m not even a year from D day, it’s super tough. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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