# still struggling



## Mrlonelyhearts

I was married 19 years when I got divorced. It's been 2 years and I"m still struggling. I'm struggling getting out and making new friends. I've tried to do this at church and at a gym I joined. Just not feeling close to many people these days. I start thinking there must be something wrong with me that I struggle making friends.

I had my kids for this week for our vacation. I was able to see my sister and that was good. The rest of the time it has just been me and my kids looking for things to do as a family, which is okay, but my 13-yr-old has been retreating to her Nintendo 3ds almost non -stop for the last two days.

I will try again to be positive and keep everyone busy. Off to a pickle festival today and grocery shopping.


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## maincourse99

It's been 15 months for me, still struggling too. Just cut back on my anxiety meds and took a real nosedive. This is just brutal, if we didn't have a child together and I could never see her again it might speed up recovery.

I can relate to what you're going through. People tell me it's a matter of time passing.


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## brokenbythis

13 months for me and I'm still an emotional mess. I have good and bad days. He did so many things to hurt me and if I have flashbacks I get very upset.

Its so much worse when you share a child and have to see/talk to each other a lot.

I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life. People also tell me it just takes time.


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## Paradise

True, having a child together does indeed slow down the process. There's no doubt about that as it is constantly thrown in your face and the triggers will constantly be present. 

But....over time as I was finally coming out of my shell I had come to realize just how much power I was giving someone who didn't give a rat's butt about me. I was all in the dumps and feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I was left for someone else, et. etc. 

We only have one shot at this life. Make the best of it or throw it away worrying about someone else. It is our choice to make. I made the choice to be down in the dumps and worry about not having friends and worry about my finances sucking and worry about whether my child would be happier just being away from me, too....

It does not happen overnight but I had to accept myself. I had to accept where I was in life. I also had to start looking forward and decide where I wanted to be in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc. We have all on this site chased those damn bunny rabbits around in our head trying to make sense of every minute detail but it is futile. It happened, take a quick inventory as to what you contributed, and then decide where you would like to go. 

It may be that you can only process things up until later today or tomorrow but before long you will see that you begin planning for next week and next month and next year. Baby steps. 

Find something you think you might like to do and then just do it. If you try it and don't like it after a while then adjust and do something else. But start doing little things for you.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Just kinda of an update since I started this thread. I have noticed in the last few weeks more of a positive outlook. 

I decided to give myself some slack on where I'm at in life. I would like to do more as a father and only a change in my budget can make that happen. I am waiting to start a second job. I hate working more, but at least I will be able to better afford things when my kids are around. 

Also, I have taken more initiative asking people over or just calling people to say "Hi." Had a friend from church over. He brought two of his kids. His kids and my kids get along, not that they will be best friends or anything. We cooked on the grill, went swimming, and had a water balloon fight. Then, I went over to the same friend's house and helped him, as he has been building a tree fort for his kids.

I hear you all loud and clear that I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself. If I want a change, I gotta go out there and make that change.


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## stillhoping

So glad to see the progress. My d was16 months ago but after 28 years of marriage. My kids are grown but I still have to share them. I set some goals for the future for myself, started a gratitude journal and really focused on myself. Bad day, good days, getting used to them now. Keep moving forward


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## Shooboomafoo

OP, Im in that club too. Im going on 2 years post-D, and I "think" that switch is starting to flick. Ive had to trade off my D12 since the very start of our D, and go and see the old marital home each time, because it was so close to the kid's school, etc. it was just a matter of convenience, yet it came with that ugly feeling seeing the old place all the time, feeling tied permanently to "having" to witness the ex's onward momentum...
It has gotten easier though, and even though anxiety kicks in sometimes, knowing that I dont have to put up with the ex's problems, and can retreat to my own house, my fortress of solitude away from the torment of those years with her, is so very freeing and satisfying.
I gotta focus on preventing comparisons lately. To completely remove any curiosity about her life now, and remind myself that it doesnt matter at all. 
Ive really tried to knuckle that one in. Its been hard to not succumb to the hoard of negative feelings that can arise for me, depending on how much sleep ive gotten, how well ive eaten this week, etc. 
I am also working on paying off severe debt incurred throughout the marriage. It is not going as fast as I would like it to, so kudos for taking a second job and thrusting two spears into it. 

It all seems like learning to live again and be satisfied with how my personal situation is, now. It helps to remember how bad things were when I was still married, and saw absolutely no way out. Emphasizes the freedom from that nightmare.


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## Clark G

It takes time. There is no doubt to it. Sounds like you're making progress and being married that long your mind and thoughts can really play tricks on you - something that took me time to control versus letting those thoughts control me.

Keep moving in the directions you want. That is the beauty of divorce - you are free again to pursue yourself and your interests. 

For me it had to do with hanging out with friends, reaching out to old friends, meeting new friends via facebook/other, and dating again casually.

Keep up the progress and don't be so hard on yourself!

Good luck,

Joe


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## indiecat

We start to remember the 'good' times and forget the stress and horrible tension. Also the lack of companionship is difficult, but that companionship came at such a high cost to our wellbeing.


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## indiecat

I hate how I feel I have to entertain my child now, vs just casual hanging out when we all live together. i worry that I have little to offer, her older brother, his gf, her dad and the two dogs live in the big house. When she's here it's just me and her and she says its' lonely and like living in a cottage. Plus she just started HS so its' a big transition for her all around.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

indiecat said:


> I hate how I feel I have to entertain my child now, vs just casual hanging out when we all live together. i worry that I have little to offer, her older brother, his gf, her dad and the two dogs live in the big house. When she's here it's just me and her and she says its' lonely and like living in a cottage. Plus she just started HS so its' a big transition for her all around.


Yeah, that would be tough. I think teenagers are different that smaller kids to keep them entertained. My d13 is the same way. She tends to play her Nintendo 3ds or just hang out in her room.I have a much easier time with the s10 and d7. They play with toys, games, and like playing outside. Teenager seems to do better if I can get together with friends who have kids her age.

Keep at it. I am sure your daughter will adjust.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

indiecat said:


> We start to remember the 'good' times and forget the stress and horrible tension. Also the lack of companionship is difficult, but that companionship came at such a high cost to our wellbeing.


:iagree:
When I think about all the fighting, man. I don't miss that! I don't miss the yelling. I don't miss the days, months, years of wasted time trying to rebuild a dead relationship.

I am starting to get it through my tiny bee bee of a brain that I'm alright without a woman in my life.


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## stillhoping

Indie, maybe you and she can start a gratitude journal and spend some time planning for the future. She won't always be in high school, plan some free activities, the library, walking, bike riding. Try new makeup styles, hair styles, simple cooking together. Focus on the positive. You are a good mom


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## whitehawk

l worry about all the same things. We sep 10mths ago but l feel like l'm way behind compared to a lot here .
lt's been damn emotional though and l still have teary days suddenly hit me like a Mack truck right when l've thought l was finally good to go.
My d's 12 now and l really worry about maybe she'll start feeling that lonely house thing too later on if l don't hook up with friends or a lady.
What people are saying about this unnatural fatherhood thing is so true to l find. What use to be just everyday easy family coming and going , life , is now a do something together. Our time , mums time. D does have a lot of her sleepovers here still though and all her friends still come and go - when she lets them anyway.
l don't see how you could bring in a new lady in only a year or two though surely , it'd be too much for her . A few friends coming and going might work well though and break it down a bit. Don't have any really though , slight hick up. Working on it .
Actually l do have my alcoholic drinking partner with his 155 IQ just down the road , but he's not really daughter material that one:scratchhead: 

But l can see this is gonna take time op , real time. l dunno how people just jump straight back in and full steam ahead as if nothings happened , really don't.
But hey your making good progress , don't be too hard on yourself. Those good times with that friend aRe a huge start too.


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## Cinema79

I see a lot of people here coming out of longer marriages with kids and the suffering and obstacles you encounter as you look to move on with your life.

I'm a guy who came out of a relatively short marriage (3 years) with no kids. She might have cheated, I may never know.

It's been officially 10 months since our divorce was finalized and I can tell that I am still very hurt by all that has happened. I never thought it would be this painful. 

I think the loneliness is what kills me the most. I don't have a child to keep me occupied everyday. I do have hobbies and a lot of close friends. I'm always busy with work. 

*But it's like this missing piece of my life*, and the overall shock that my wife is not around anymore. I think mornings are really tough. It is just so quiet. I just look around and expect her to walk into the room.

No girlfriend at the time either. Everyone is taken. Those who aren't I'm not into.

It is bizarre to think she wakes up every morning with her new man (they've been together for 8 months? IDK really) and just a year ago *we* we were still under the same roof. 

I still feel blindsided. Shell shocked. 

I'm not downplaying the hell that everyone is going through here. But even in shorter marriages, there is that pain too. I had so much hope for our future and we just never even got past the five year mark. 

I compare it to building a beautiful home. Looking at the plans, making all the arrangements, constructing it, and then someone taking a wrecking ball to it before you ever have the chance to move in. Or - instead of a wrecking ball - the other man takes my wife by the hand and moves in with her and I'm left standing on the sidewalk.


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## indiecat

Thats sad Cinema, there is someone better out there for you.


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## death and taxes

I hear ya Cinema. I was married over eleven years. It all came tumbling down when I found the ex had been in an ongoing affair. I've been divorced since last December.

I am doing my best. I've dated. I am currently seeing somebody. I have a host of my own issues to deal with that impact dating. But I am forging my path ahead. Each day at a time. I have friends I do stuff with. I have my own interests. But having that part of my life, a central part, just fall away...it's quite an adjustment.


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## stormydays

It's helpful to know that it keeps going through other people's heads, too. I feel like I'm always thinking about what happened, each time a different aspect of it, sometimes thinking that my former spouse is an ***hole, then wondering if I was really married to an ***hole for that long, then missing him like crazy,then explaining to him in my head why I did or said certain things, going over certain events, ruminating on the OW, wondering what they did in the past, wondering what they're doing now, if he thinks of me--argh! It's very noisy in there. I read somewhere that we often dwell on these things because our brains are still trying to process the information-- once it becomes "old news" it goes into the backs of our minds and gets thought about less. This makes sense to me, because none of this feels real yet, and sometimes I forget that it all really happened, and my brain has to remind me, and go through the litany of betrayal, sadness and hurt. I am working on distracting myself and trying my best to move forward, but it takes time. Man, is it hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cinema79

The tough thing is thinking about the ex and wondering, "how could they NOT be effected by this!!!???" 

My god, my ex just moved on so fast to her next boyfriend. How on earth do you just do something like that? I couldn't even stare at another woman for like 6 months after it was finalized. 

THE LAST thing I wanted to do is get in a committed relationship after just fighting through a failed one. 

That's why I think she probably cheated on me. This guy might have been around the whole time...I have no other way to explain it.

I am so sorry for what others are going through. It is the worst experience ever.


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## whitehawk

Cinema79 said:


> I see a lot of people here coming out of longer marriages with kids and the suffering and obstacles you encounter as you look to move on with your life.
> 
> I'm a guy who came out of a relatively short marriage (3 years) with no kids. She might have cheated, I may never know.
> 
> It's been officially 10 months since our divorce was finalized and I can tell that I am still very hurt by all that has happened. I never thought it would be this painful.
> 
> I think the loneliness is what kills me the most. I don't have a child to keep me occupied everyday. I do have hobbies and a lot of close friends. I'm always busy with work.
> 
> *But it's like this missing piece of my life*, and the overall shock that my wife is not around anymore. I think mornings are really tough. It is just so quiet. I just look around and expect her to walk into the room.
> 
> No girlfriend at the time either. Everyone is taken. Those who aren't I'm not into.
> 
> It is bizarre to think she wakes up every morning with her new man (they've been together for 8 months? IDK really) and just a year ago *we* we were still under the same roof.
> 
> I still feel blindsided. Shell shocked.
> 
> I'm not downplaying the hell that everyone is going through here. But even in shorter marriages, there is that pain too. I had so much hope for our future and we just never even got past the five year mark.
> 
> I compare it to building a beautiful home. Looking at the plans, making all the arrangements, constructing it, and then someone taking a wrecking ball to it before you ever have the chance to move in. Or - instead of a wrecking ball - the other man takes my wife by the hand and moves in with her and I'm left standing on the sidewalk.


Cin , 3 yrs or 20 , married , you had hopes and dreams , 10mths out and we can hear your pain don't worry , it's as real as anyone's.
ldk either how our h or w's can do this , hook up, the living, the whole walk away deal , l just do not know or will l ever understand it.


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## Houstondad

I'm so fortunate to stumble across this thread and the similarities I'm going through that many of you guys are going through. It helps me feel closer to being normal, than some guy who is so damaged with abnormal thoughts.
I was married 10. I have 2 kids. She fell for an OM and after it imploded she moved far, far away and only sees the kids during holidays and the summer. I've been divorced for 15 months now.
She continues to lie to me regarding who watches the kids during the summer. I feel like it's always one step forward and one step back as I try to reach forgiveness.
I haven't forgiven her and I hate having this anger or resentment towards her. Most of this comes from her moving so far away from our kids. To me, she's just mom. She's not a mother by the true definition. And my kids D12/S7 are handling it well, but I worry about their future as they approach adolescence and how their perspective of mom leaving will change.
And despite all of this, I still have the occasional thoughts of her and I reconciling and having a happy family again. Then I'm reminded of her selfish ways and I shake those other thoughts away. Yet, this cycle keeps happening.
It hit me when I read here that we need to move on with our life. Realizing that we have only one shot on this planet and yet we're hung up on someone who doesn't give a damn about us anymore. I really need to WAKE THE F UP! I need to FOCUS on my life and kids. I need to STOP thinking about her. I need to quit COMPARING my life with hers. I need to put an end to wishing bad karma and focus on the POSITIVES in my life.
Easy to say. Much harder to put into practice. But maybe that's it. Start with the baby steps and begin to develop a routine, a habit of moving on and LETTING THE PAST GO?


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## Paradise

Houstondad said:


> I'm so fortunate to stumble across this thread and the similarities I'm going through that many of you guys are going through. It helps me feel closer to being normal, than some guy who is so damaged with abnormal thoughts.
> I was married 10. I have 2 kids. She fell for an OM and after it imploded she moved far, far away and only sees the kids during holidays and the summer. I've been divorced for 15 months now.
> She continues to lie to me regarding who watches the kids during the summer. I feel like it's always one step forward and one step back as I try to reach forgiveness.
> I haven't forgiven her and I hate having this anger or resentment towards her. Most of this comes from her moving so far away from our kids. To me, she's just mom. She's not a mother by the true definition. And my kids D12/S7 are handling it well, but I worry about their future as they approach adolescence and how their perspective of mom leaving will change.
> And despite all of this, I still have the occasional thoughts of her and I reconciling and having a happy family again. Then I'm reminded of her selfish ways and I shake those other thoughts away. Yet, this cycle keeps happening.
> It hit me when I read here that we need to move on with our life. Realizing that we have only one shot on this planet and yet we're hung up on someone who doesn't give a damn about us anymore. I really need to WAKE THE F UP! I need to FOCUS on my life and kids. I need to STOP thinking about her. I need to quit COMPARING my life with hers. I need to put an end to wishing bad karma and focus on the POSITIVES in my life.
> Easy to say. Much harder to put into practice. But maybe that's it. Start with the baby steps and begin to develop a routine, a habit of moving on and LETTING THE PAST GO?


Yes, much too easy to say and very hard to do! But, something that must happen in order for us left behind spouses to officially move on. I admit, I still "want" the karma bus to run over my ex and I still get upset when I think about the fact that after more than 2 years I'm still struggling with debt and am very limited in what I can do because of it. I'm just not at peace with my situation. Being at peace is different than being ok with it. I'm still embarrassed about being so far in debt and divorced and I'm still upset that I only get to see my child 3 days a week. etc, etc....

I also worry too much. I worry that she is trying to pull something over on me. So many times there has been a separate standard for her than there is for me regarding my kiddo and it is tiring. All things I need to fix within myself.


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## whitehawk

Paradise said:


> Yes, much too easy to say and very hard to do! But, something that must happen in order for us left behind spouses to officially move on. I admit, I still "want" the karma bus to run over my ex and I still get upset when I think about the fact that after more than 2 years I'm still struggling with debt and am very limited in what I can do because of it. I'm just not at peace with my situation. Being at peace is different than being ok with it. I'm still embarrassed about being so far in debt and divorced and I'm still upset that I only get to see my child 3 days a week. etc, etc....
> 
> I also worry too much. I worry that she is trying to pull something over on me. So many times there has been a separate standard for her than there is for me regarding my kiddo and it is tiring. All things I need to fix within myself.



l know we'd all feel for you guys just like l do myself and l'm always sorry l don't have a silver bullet cure .
lt's hard not to want some ugliness to hit them like we've been through, fkg hard.
we're 10mths sep and yep there were wrongs and stresses and money problems and changes but we were a family and we could've gotten through it.
l believe in karma , seen it . l don't know , the anger is still very hard and the waves of emotion still run mad. Thought l was done 10 times already.

l'm left with that mountain of debt too. 2 or 3 times a wk , every wk , l'm on the phone to someone asking for more time yet we'd be 2 and a 1/2k p/mth better of if she just stayed put , together. We also could've finished the house properly then sold and that would've given us an extra 100k in hand , on top of what will now be left through having to sell like this instead just to clear debts we can't cope with now . lt's crazy , illogical plus she's paying a fortune in rent and bills separately now and struggling even more, we both are it's bs. 

l'm not sure about the peace myself. Maybe one day a new and better women turns up , maybe that'll be our peace. Can't even afford to go out the front door right now though so doubt that'll be anytime soon.

Alot here say it's more about reaching indifference than forgiveness as such. l have to be civil for our daughter. l don't want her to remember us just for the hard time we were having in our last few years . Maybe normal chit chat between mum and dad now washes those yrs away for her so l do it . lt's not hard when there's no anger , we still get along as good as ever , makes it even madder.

It's a baby step 1 at a time thing guys , we just have to take it a day at a time for now . 
l envey well sorta , all these people dating already , just sorta . Wish l could afford to get out more or some hobbies l want to start . l think all that would help a lot.


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## Shooboomafoo

Baby steps.
I am 2 years post divorce. 
I see the ex, the ex's POSOM, or the marital home every day twice a day when I have my D12. The break comes when I dont have her for the week, and dont have to drop her off over there, or pick her up. I see more things now, about the ex's OM, that I did not notice before, and it sometimes gets me to wondering how someone like him was able to sweep the ex off of her feet. He's the biggest moron on the face of the planet, guzzles beer like its going out of style, doesnt work but every once in awhile in construction, so just about as lazy as can be... Just lacking "manly" qualities altogether. OF course they dated a bit eighteen years ago before I ever got involved with her, so I guess she held a flame for this dooshbag for all this time? That hurts, fk her for that. I hope she fking drowns in his muck, the heartless shill. 
But that gives too much credit to her, as if my life with her was something to be missed... It wasnt. I have to remind myself, and think about how often it was I knew to my core that our relationship was completely disfunctional. As much as a failure that it seems to have amounted to, I am at least, free to find someone right for me. SOOO hard to keep that in mind, when the thoughts of it all start to churning.

I too am buried in debt. Fifteen years of arguing about it and I NEVER figured I would be put out to hang with that debt in tow. OH how I would have locked her in the closet to keep her from spending,, had I known how it was going to end up...

With what was left of a small bonus at work this past year, and an escrow surplus check that was like a happy surprise in the mail, I was able to pay down one of the many cards I have, in fact this last month I brought it down to where I only have one more payment to make on it. I gotta get rid of these things fast, as my car is not going to last much longer... 

The divorce opened my eyes to something. How I had fallen into this routine of living, doing what I thought was the right things to do, work, family, house, white picket fence... But that wasnt really my own "living"... it was some sort of an outline that I had picked up over time...not really considering if it fit me, just thinking it was what was expected... 
Now comes this great upheaval. Turning all my ideas of what was supposed to be, over on their heads, and inciting questions as to the direction I have taken in ALL things in my life. 

Hell if I can deal with this, I think I might just be able to handle some other changes in my life.. Changes that I will master and command. Changes that will no longer render me subservient to the greedy whim of other empty bags of skin that have too much negative influence on my life.


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## maincourse99

_The divorce opened my eyes to something. How I had fallen into this routine of living, doing what I thought was the right things to do, work, family, house, white picket fence... But that wasnt really my own "living"... it was some sort of an outline that I had picked up over time...not really considering if it fit me, just thinking it was what was expected... 
Now comes this great upheaval. Turning all my ideas of what was supposed to be, over on their heads, and inciting questions as to the direction I have taken in ALL things in my life. 

Hell if I can deal with this, I think I might just be able to handle some other changes in my life.. Changes that I will master and command. Changes that will no longer render me subservient to the greedy whim of other empty bags of skin that have too much negative influence on my life._

I does turn your world upside down and forces a reassessment. I was thinking the other day of how many times during my marriage of 18 years that I thought about getting away from her. A couple of times I even searched for an apartment. But I stayed, I loved her. I never considered cheating.

Then when she cheated on me, I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. All the negatives about her I buried. 

A few days ago she tells me that getting over me has been impossible for her. Maybe she's tiring of the POSOM. Who knows, but after 1-1/2 years I see her for what she is and was. It still hurts but I'm much better off.


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## hereinthemidwest

If it makes people feel better...

We split up Sep 2009
STILL Dated / slept with my husband who had his own apartment. 
Yep he drop his laundry off with me and after I got it done. I run it back to his apartment and his GF would be there. 

Dec 2010 New years eve was my last time...I messed with him again. 

Dec 2011 divorce was final. Married over twenty years. We had many assets ect. I was drained. OMG I look back and say, I cant believe I made it this far. 

Since Jan 2011 I do date now....HONESTLY finding someone same values, family priority being # 1 is difficult. 

I am not where I want to be...but least I am where I used to be. 
Learning to trust, learning to love ME!

Think it just takes patience and time.


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## whitehawk

Shooboomafoo said:


> Baby steps.
> I am 2 years post divorce.
> I see the ex, the ex's POSOM, or the marital home every day twice a day when I have my D12. The break comes when I dont have her for the week, and dont have to drop her off over there, or pick her up. I see more things now, about the ex's OM, that I did not notice before, and it sometimes gets me to wondering how someone like him was able to sweep the ex off of her feet. He's the biggest moron on the face of the planet, guzzles beer like its going out of style, doesnt work but every once in awhile in construction, so just about as lazy as can be... Just lacking "manly" qualities altogether. OF course they dated a bit eighteen years ago before I ever got involved with her, so I guess she held a flame for this dooshbag for all this time? That hurts, fk her for that. I hope she fking drowns in his muck, the heartless shill.
> But that gives too much credit to her, as if my life with her was something to be missed... It wasnt. I have to remind myself, and think about how often it was I knew to my core that our relationship was completely disfunctional. As much as a failure that it seems to have amounted to, I am at least, free to find someone right for me. SOOO hard to keep that in mind, when the thoughts of it all start to churning.
> 
> I too am buried in debt. Fifteen years of arguing about it and I NEVER figured I would be put out to hang with that debt in tow. OH how I would have locked her in the closet to keep her from spending,, had I known how it was going to end up...
> 
> With what was left of a small bonus at work this past year, and an escrow surplus check that was like a happy surprise in the mail, I was able to pay down one of the many cards I have, in fact this last month I brought it down to where I only have one more payment to make on it. I gotta get rid of these things fast, as my car is not going to last much longer...
> 
> The divorce opened my eyes to something. How I had fallen into this routine of living, doing what I thought was the right things to do, work, family, house, white picket fence... But that wasnt really my own "living"... it was some sort of an outline that I had picked up over time...not really considering if it fit me, just thinking it was what was expected...
> Now comes this great upheaval. Turning all my ideas of what was supposed to be, over on their heads, and inciting questions as to the direction I have taken in ALL things in my life.
> 
> Hell if I can deal with this, I think I might just be able to handle some other changes in my life.. Changes that I will master and command. Changes that will no longer render me subservient to the greedy whim of other empty bags of skin that have too much negative influence on my life.



l can hear every word your saying here Shooo about life , your control , your effort to do it all , taking back that control.
Maybe for you it was a bit like my sitch in that l wasn't really agreeing with our direction at all really , it was all wrong , l knew that. l even warned x 4yrs ago that this could really cost us dearly and now look at our mess.
But for me to , if l get out of this [email protected] and start new , l want to do what l want to do . l want to own it all too and have full control over my own choices and future so that no future relationship can blow life to smithereens again.
lf she's got a house , hell a dog and whatever l've got and we split , whatever was ours stays ours , no ifs no buts .
like l wanna keep my life from here , my stuff and in where ever life takes me , us down the track , l'm still gonna keep my stuff , life , sitting there . Even if it's rented out it'll be there and it'll be mine and stay mine you know.

Ha , at least that's the thinking anyway :scratchhead:


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## whitehawk

maincourse99 said:


> _The divorce opened my eyes to something. How I had fallen into this routine of living, doing what I thought was the right things to do, work, family, house, white picket fence... But that wasnt really my own "living"... it was some sort of an outline that I had picked up over time...not really considering if it fit me, just thinking it was what was expected...
> Now comes this great upheaval. Turning all my ideas of what was supposed to be, over on their heads, and inciting questions as to the direction I have taken in ALL things in my life.
> 
> Hell if I can deal with this, I think I might just be able to handle some other changes in my life.. Changes that I will master and command. Changes that will no longer render me subservient to the greedy whim of other empty bags of skin that have too much negative influence on my life._
> 
> I does turn your world upside down and forces a reassessment. I was thinking the other day of how many times during my marriage of 18 years that I thought about getting away from her. A couple of times I even searched for an apartment. But I stayed, I loved her. I never considered cheating.
> 
> Then when she cheated on me, I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. All the negatives about her I buried.
> 
> A few days ago she tells me that getting over me has been impossible for her. Maybe she's tiring of the POSOM. Who knows, but after 1-1/2 years I see her for what she is and was. It still hurts but I'm much better off.



So how do you see her then Main ?
Like what do you think about her , your marriage , all those thoughts you use to have?
Sounds a bit like my sitch , our last few yrs were full of negatives and doubts for me . l thought about all kinds of things .


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## maincourse99

_So how do you see her then Main ?
Like what do you think about her , your marriage , all those thoughts you use to have?
Sounds a bit like my sitch , our last few yrs were full of negatives and doubts for me . l thought about all kinds of things _

Well, I see her as the person I met 18 years ago. All the good times, the friendship, the sexual connection. But it wasn't perfect, there were rough times.

Then I think about the past 18 months, the lying and cheating and tossing me out with the trash.

So, now with her telling me that she can't get over me, sad every day, knows she made mistakes...

I wonder what I would say if she wants to try again. Who is she? Which one? I suppose the way she is now, a cheater who left me and her child.

But the old her creeps back into my mind. Would she really hurt me again? Somehow my heart says she wouldn't, but why wouldn't she?

I hope she never asks to return. Moving on is what's best for me, I think.


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## EnjoliWoman

Every time I read these stories I really hate how a cheater has affected the cheated. I just can't imagine. I guess I'm lucky I was never cheated on but I have my own emotional scars. I just can't imagine how anyone could do that to a spouse - just try to work out the differences and TALK to each other and exhaust all avenues before asking for a divorce but no cheating. It makes me sad.


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## whitehawk

maincourse99 said:


> _So how do you see her then Main ?
> Like what do you think about her , your marriage , all those thoughts you use to have?
> Sounds a bit like my sitch , our last few yrs were full of negatives and doubts for me . l thought about all kinds of things _
> 
> Well, I see her as the person I met 18 years ago. All the good times, the friendship, the sexual connection. But it wasn't perfect, there were rough times.
> 
> Then I think about the past 18 months, the lying and cheating and tossing me out with the trash.
> 
> So, now with her telling me that she can't get over me, sad every day, knows she made mistakes...
> 
> I wonder what I would say if she wants to try again. Who is she? Which one? I suppose the way she is now, a cheater who left me and her child.
> 
> But the old her creeps back into my mind. Would she really hurt me again? Somehow my heart says she wouldn't, but why wouldn't she?
> 
> I hope she never asks to return. Moving on is what's best for me, I think.



Yeah right . You know personally , l think the key to knowing what you would be up against if they did come back , is in the why?
Really , why it happened should be able to tell us if it would ever happen again.
So with mine because sometimes l think l'm one of the lucky ones now as l know exactly why everything happened , l feel l could trust it again. Still , doubt l'll ever get to test the theory really because it's all looking like a done deal these days anyway.


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## whitehawk

EnjoliWoman said:


> Every time I read these stories I really hate how a cheater has affected the cheated. I just can't imagine. I guess I'm lucky I was never cheated on but I have my own emotional scars. I just can't imagine how anyone could do that to a spouse - just try to work out the differences and TALK to each other and exhaust all avenues before asking for a divorce but no cheating. It makes me sad.



Not wrong Enjoli . But l dunno , l guess we all need each other round here through all this don't we in what ever happened . Sometimes l feel ike a downer rehashing anything now , like l should've moved on by now . But you need to satisfactorily work through it don't you . Chip away until you get it all, well l do anyway. For me l know there'll come a day not too far off now , when l know l am done with it , but l need to get it all 100% first .
Sure doesn't make for happy conversations though does it eh :scratchhead:


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## EnjoliWoman

All life isn't happy. Deep conversations about negative things need to be addressed as well - otherwise we're talking the infamous "rug sweeping". Even now I think I spend too much time thinking about the ex but mostly because I feel I must remain vigilant pertaining to our daughter and his attempts to alienate her. 

But it was years before he was completely out of my mind. His negativity and criticism was in the back of my mind for years. Now I can remember something and joke about it, acknowledging how wrong/dysfunctional it was.


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## whitehawk

EnjoliWoman said:


> All life isn't happy. Deep conversations about negative things need to be addressed as well - otherwise we're talking the infamous "rug sweeping". Even now I think I spend too much time thinking about the ex but mostly because I feel I must remain vigilant pertaining to our daughter and his attempts to alienate her.
> 
> But it was years before he was completely out of my mind. His negativity and criticism was in the back of my mind for years. Now I can remember something and joke about it, acknowledging how wrong/dysfunctional it was.


Yeah that's true they do.
Sorry about the situation with the x. Things like that are a very big reason why we try to push the crap aside and get along. Ya don't wanna end up with bs do you . lt's not hard at all for us to get along really and genuinely , but it has been hard pushing aside anger and guilt for both of us at times . But we have an honest good will from both sides co parent thing and that's so important for my d.
There's been a few probs but l'm pretty sure it's no bad intent involved , more so just getting enough time with my d l think.

But yeah , l still think about the x and everything that's happened. Gonna be with me a long time l think and there are plenty of times l can tell l've obviously been on her mind too.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

EnjoliWoman said:


> Every time I read these stories I really hate how a cheater has affected the cheated. I just can't imagine. I guess I'm lucky I was never cheated on but I have my own emotional scars. I just can't imagine how anyone could do that to a spouse - just try to work out the differences and TALK to each other and exhaust all avenues before asking for a divorce but no cheating. It makes me sad.


You are right. It does not make any sense why someone would cause so much pain to someone they once made vows to love and cherish the rest of their lives. Hurt people hurt people. I my marriage, there was a lot of pain. We did try to talk things out. I just did not "get it." By the time I figured out my role in it, it was too late. What I tried then only led to more contempt on her part, which frustrated me and I did not handle it very well.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

2galsmom said:


> I do not care anymore and I never thought I would. Did he or did he not sleep with such and such, did he or did he not blow our retirement up his nose? Why blame his work problems at me, those people NEVER saw me!


You are not to blame for what your ex did wrong. 

I am sorry if you thought I was saying that about you and your situation. I was reflecting on what I thought happened with me.


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## stillhoping

Not only not to blame, but in all likelihood, you made efforts to try to avoid blame, there was no way to win.


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## 2galsmom

Thank you Mrlonelyhearts and stillhoping, at long last I know I am not to blame and I did not take it as you were saying I was.

I just read people here trying to figure out why, why? And it can literally drive a person in sane and I sympathize and know that sometimes, there is no reason why. People choose to lie, cheat and hurt and when it is all said and done there is no justification.

I tried to fix my marriage as most people here did. I have an outlandish case but what remains similar is other people here are in situations where people chose to do mean things that had ZERO justification and my heart goes out to them and I do not want them to lose their mind over it along with their heart.

It has taken me TWO YEARS after he was removed from our home to "de-programme" that is why I am glib now. I let it go. I wish the same for others.


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## whitehawk

Mrlonelyhearts said:


> You are right. It does not make any sense why someone would cause so much pain to someone they once made vows to love and cherish the rest of their lives. Hurt people hurt people. I my marriage, there was a lot of pain. We did try to talk things out. I just did not "get it." By the time I figured out my role in it, it was too late. What I tried then only led to more contempt on her part, which frustrated me and I did not handle it very well.



But really then , in this case as in so many and like mine , the other spouse should have kept trying then , that's what those vows aRE for .
But so many don't now , they rather quit, l'll never get it, unless it was truly just a bad destructive marriage.
We both ware a ton of [email protected] in married life and neither gets the other any better than they do, we both make big mistakes in an honest marriage, there's cause and effects from both, neither is perfect . 
It's so much about time , turning corners, growing up , new cycles. l watched my own parents go full circle , they literally hated each other for a long time. But they weren't quitters in their day, they went full circle and passed away in love all over again .
Really makes me angry that it's all just me me me these days and l'm moving on.
Why even bother in the first place you know !


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