# Dying for a good sex life



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!


Define effort, what would you perceive as the type of effort your H should put forth?

I will say, the whole "effort" thing, is an issue on my side as well and a real drag when you see your SO putting in very little effort.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I get it - I felt the same in my first marriage. However, I had more success living with the goal of achieving good sex and romance. Dying is just so final! However, you may have to find a new husband if this one isn't working out, so instead of dying for him, live for the next.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome. 
What I do, has no affect on anything. It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do. 

He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it. And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I would be dying, too. I'm sorry you are in this spot. I only know bits of your story, but it does sound like what you are seeking isn't quite something your H can pull off. Though maybe it was great in the beginning, I can't remember.

I just know that there is a certain level of how sexual a person needs to be in order for me to have a great sex life with them. That includes them pursuing me, pursuing sex, adoring me, being adventurous and open minded, and being able to openly show their lust and desire for me on a regular basis. I also do all of those things, and I need a partner who reciprocates it in equal measure (or even more, I actually feel the man in the relationship needs to provide more of those things than the woman or else the balance gets off somehow...which doesn't mean I don't do "the work", it just means he does the part of "the work" that provides the spark to my flame.)

There haven't been very many stories around here of a spouse changing their core sexual level, desires, and libido in order for their partner to be more satisfied. I don't know how you would go about changing someone like that.

But if he was like that before (however it is that you are wanting) then there is hope.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry. You have my sympathy, but no good ideas for what to do. There are certainly men who enjoy romance and passion, but he doesn't seem to be one of them.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think what sends me over the edge isn't the fact that he's so tired, or we don't have sex that often but the fact that he has the audacity to complain about it. This just causes something to boil up inside me and I have to make an effort not to be a ***** and put him in his place. Which is to remind him that he's the reason we're not having sex.

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Me too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have read most of your postings.

I wish I could help you out. I am far away and presently powerlessly pixelated on your LCD screen.

You know the score....every stanza. You know what you want, every detail.

You know what the score with DH is. You know every detail.

You now have to choose. Keeping your good social status and having healthy future financials by sticking with this marriage with your Doctor spouse......

Or passion. Realized passion. Passion standing tall and proud right before your hungry eyes. 

Passion coming from a new, deserving, fun to be with, new man.....after you divorce.

Do not cheat. 

Just follow your rapid beating, enlarged, hot and heavy heart. There is no substitute for Lusty Passion. Money cannot buy it.

Choose carefully.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Oh, @katiecrna ~ I've definitely got the time as well as the "effort" to pursue romance!

It's just that I seldom have the "trust" to even try anymore!*


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Define effort, what would you perceive as the type of effort your H should put forth?
> 
> 
> 
> I will say, the whole "effort" thing, is an issue on my side as well and a real drag when you see your SO putting in very little effort.




I think my husband should be fully conscious and actively do something with me with his full attention. 

He should be affectionate. If he wants to have sex, show me don't tell me. Act like we're dating and your trying to sleep with me. What ever happened to men putting the moves on their women? That's for people dating only??? Is it me or are men becoming lazier and lazier when they want to have sex? I mean honestly. Hey honey do you want to have sex tonight? That doesn't cut it! No? Ok I'll just get back to my video games and I'll master-bate in the shower later. 

Ahh I'm annoyed.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Yes I am hating on men right now. But right now you are all stupid and annoying to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't think it is men becoming lazier, some have always been lazy in this regard. I think your H just has a low sex drive due to exhaustion, etc. But was it good before? Was it ever as good as you would like it to be? If not then he is just not as sexual as you are. If he was, then he might be able to get there again.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't think it is men becoming lazier, some have always been lazy in this regard. I think your H just has a low sex drive due to exhaustion, etc. But was it good before? Was it ever as good as you would like it to be? If not then he is just not as sexual as you are. If he was, then he might be able to get there again.




It was great before. He wanted to have sex more than me. He wasn't the most romantic, but he did do romantic stuff like take bubble baths with me and give me massages.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There's hope!


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Unfortunately a lot of men are like this. I guess I don't get the part about him complaining about wanting sex but then not wanting it. Have you asked him why he contradicts himself? I also yearn (actually physically ache) for the same thing. My husband is terrified of intimacy so that just isn't in the cards for me. I would suggest you guys have a heart to heart talk and see what the problem is on his end.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

We use to have sex in the hospital. It always started organically when we were in bed. Never this... hey wanna have sex? Stuff. We were always affectionate. Sitting on his lap, sitting next to each other. Shower sex. Sex At least 3x a week. 
Now he is exhausted. Can't stay awake to even have a conversation with me or watch tv. Sex is rarely organic starting. We have sex probably 3x a month. And it's usually like a conscious effort which is so weird and not natural or sexy.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

hifromme67 said:


> Unfortunately a lot of men are like this. I guess I don't get the part about him complaining about wanting sex but then not wanting it. Have you asked him why he contradicts himself? I also yearn (actually physically ache) for the same thing. My husband is terrified of intimacy so that just isn't in the cards for me. I would suggest you guys have a heart to heart talk and see what the problem is on his end.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




We have talked about it often. When I ask him why he complains about it, he says Bc he's a man in his 30s and he wants a good sex life. When I ask why doesn't it happen... it's because of work, exhaustion etc. which is a semi lie because he knows he can carve out some time especially on the weekends and make more of an effort. And I've told him this. I have seen no change or effort to do this.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> We use to have sex in the hospital. It always started organically when we were in bed. Never this... hey wanna have sex? Stuff. We were always affectionate. Sitting on his lap, sitting next to each other. Shower sex. Sex At least 3x a week.
> Now he is exhausted. Can't stay awake to even have a conversation with me or watch tv. Sex is rarely organic starting. We have sex probably 3x a month. *And it's usually like a conscious effort which is so weird and not natural or sexy*.


Given his work schedule, it seems like a conscious effort is what needs to be done, nothing wrong with that.

If his job is the issue (which based on your posts it sounds like that is a big part of the issue i.e. his exhaustion), then you guys need to sit down and decide how things will be in the future. Do you expect things to settle down with his job sooner then later, is this going to be a longer trend, etc...? Mentally, having a great sex life sounds ideal to him, but physically it seems to be a completely different story.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Maybe I'll purposefully try to have sex with him more often even when i know he can't because he's too tired. Maybe this will make him feel bad and make him realize my needs aren't being met and he has to do a better job.

I never try to have sex with him when I know he can't, obviously that's the nice thing to do. But now... I need a new tactic.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

I feel I'm in a similar boat as the OP except I'm a man. My SO rarely pursues me (maybe once a month), I get shot down for sex probably 90% of the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm just unplugged. She talks about how her last husband cheated on her but he never told her the relationship was toxic to give her a chance to fix it. When I tell her what I need, instead of listening to me, she flips it and makes it about her. Says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough because I want it more than once a month (3x-4x a week is my need level). I do everything for her and I'm always there when she needs me, when she is hurting, or is overwhelmed by something. I continually take on more and more to alleviate what stresses her, but then I'm left out in the cold. I want pursued. I want desired. I want chased some. I want complimented now and then.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight.


That kind of zest is always worthy fun... don't lose that in you.

I remember reading somewhere about a wife who was in your position who's husband turned her down too often and she told him he got one chance from now on when she initiated, and she initiated often. If he turned her down she went on to pleasure herself right there next to him, and quite enthusiastically at that. It seems he got interested after all but she wouldn't let him touch her while she finished with a fairly wild climax. He was pretty upset over it but she held firm that his rejection pretty much ended his involvement so he needed to think twice next time he decided not to participate in active lovin' time. I believe he chose a different approach from then on but who knows how often such a success rate is, but I do know it works both ways (M/F)... I've been known to run with scissors from time to time at home too and with the scars to prove it, but at least I run with a more humble spirit these days when change is desired. 

I agree with @SunCMars... don't lose that passion, even if you cannot share it for the moment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I think what sends me over the edge isn't the fact that he's so tired, or we don't have sex that often but the fact that he has the audacity to complain about it. This just causes something to boil up inside me *and I have to make an effort not to be a ***** and put him in his place.* Which is to remind him that he's the reason we're not having sex.


Maybe the seriousness of your discontent hasn't been heard due to the bolder. 

Honey, the man needs a wake up call and then he needs to have an alarm go off with regularity. 

I don't know if you have kids yet but his lack of effort will only get worse if it isn't stopped in a decisive way.

Do not go passively into a dead marriage bed.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Herschel said:


> Me too.




Me three


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

He is a doctor working an exhausting schedule. There may be no end to this until he retires in 30 or 40 years. He wants more sex. But in a passive sense. Kinda like I would like to win the lottery. Doesn't mean I buy any tickets, but I sure would like to win. Doctors work very hard for a very long time. That is one of the reasons they earn big bucks. Very hard to separate the big bucks from being on call, working long hours, covering for colleagues, etc. I know of a woman on another internet forum who is married to a surgeon and has been discussing this exact issue for years.

So I agree with @SunCMars: may be time for you to choose. Your husband may not be physically capable of fulfilling his obligations as a doctor and fulfilling his obligations as a lover. He has made it clear which he prioritizes. Now you have to decide your priorities.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Let's summarize:

He is at the hospital more than he needs to be. 

Doesn't want sex with you at home. 

Doesn't want you to go to his place of work or have sex with him there. 

Has received texts from woman/women during which he snatches the phone and gives a lame excuse after deleting text. 

How long have you been on TAM?

The only question i have for you is: Is she a nurse or another resident?

He has another sharpie at work. Don't tell us you haven't thought that or know that. 

Keep believing it is him being tired or P-A.


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home


Great line. You should've made the drive anyway. Clearly, there's a disconnect.
I always though people ****ed in gross on-call rooms... sex happens at home. Joking.

My wife dealt with docs for 20yrs in a hospital setting (risk management). 
Most docs are narcissistic. 
Surgeons are usually worse. 
Nurses are opportunistic. 
"Flings" are very common... "flings" are a risk management issue.
But, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new. 

I'm a man, I would never turn down *****-on-a-platter, even if I'm in bed, with the flu, 103.8 fever... 

Good luck with your quest to get a little...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Let's summarize:
> 
> He is at the hospital more than he needs to be.
> 
> ...


What a horrible way for her to get another life.

Forced out..... not by a bayonet at her throat... but by DH's wayward phallus at another women's throat.

I hope upon hope...that this is *not the case*.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> He is a doctor working an exhausting schedule. There may be no end to this until he retires in 30 or 40 years. He wants more sex. But in a passive sense. Kinda like I would like to win the lottery. Doesn't mean I buy any tickets, but I sure would like to win. Doctors work very hard for a very long time. That is one of the reasons they earn big bucks. Very hard to separate the big bucks from being on call, working long hours, covering for colleagues, etc. I know of a woman on another internet forum who is married to a surgeon and has been discussing this exact issue for years.
> 
> So I agree with @SunCMars: may be time for you to choose. Your husband may not be physically capable of fulfilling his obligations as a doctor and fulfilling his obligations as a lover. He has made it clear which he prioritizes. Now you have to decide your priorities.


Agree, sorry to say. 

I've been reading a lot of your posts. 

Before my husband and I were married, we dated long distance while he was finishing grad school in another state. It was hard. But, he always made time for us to talk or visit. Then he got to the last two semesters and had to do a very rigorous thesis. He told me as soon as we got serious, actually, that he knew the end of his schooling would be the hardest and most time consuming, and that we would be in touch a lot less during that time. So he definitely gave me a warning. I thought I would be able to handle it. I still wasn't prepared.

Being long distance was hard enough, but he would go days without contacting me. (He would literally work in studio for 72 hours at a time without going home.) He was all consumed by his work. It seemed ridiculous to me that anything on earth could be that all encompassing. Like, you really can't take five minutes to call me? He had appointments to keep and deadlines to meet, and he is a perfectionist so naturally works 10x more than anyone else. I changed over time from trying to be patient and supportive...to feeling distant from him, being frustrated and trying to stay busy on my own. Then I just got angry over time, and then onto feeling like I just wasn't good enough to warrant attention. I came so close to ending the relationship. So close. 

Then he graduated when I was on my last straw and came home for good. If he didn't come home when he did, I think our relationship would have ended. I couldn't take it anymore. There was a time when he went out for a meal with his classmates (also working on thesis at the same time) and I remember finding out about it. I was livid. In hindsight it was so stupid to be mad, but I seriously almost let him go over it. I just kept thinking - how dare you make time for them and not me!

I now know from that experience that I am NOT cut out to be a wife to a man who has to be gone all of the time. I knew then that I couldn't be with a doctor, or a military man who would deploy, or anything like that. I have the utmost respect for the spouses in those marriages who hold it down while their husband or wife is out of reach. I just knew I couldn't be one of them. It made me feel selfish and petty to be honest, but at least I learned something about myself. 

So - I wanted to say that I respect the position you are in with having to stick it out while he's gone. But, I don't think it's going to change or get better. There is a third "person" in your marriage, and that is his job. You will always have to share him with his job because of the career he has chosen. And it won't be an even sharing either, because when duty calls he will go running to them. I don't have an answer for you, I am just sad for you that you have to live that way.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Yes I am hating on men right now. But right now you are all stupid and annoying to me.


Ouch! I was going to make a smart comeback, but I got nothing...

My wife and I have friends from college, and he became a lawyer while his wife is a stay at home mom. He works 100 hours a week. I did not even know that was humanly possible but apparently it is standard practice for lawyers seeking to become partners in a big firm. On his average work day he only goes home and sleeps for about 3-4 hours. 

I don't know much about healthcare, but the few doctor's I know seem to have almost the same workload somehow.

100/7= average of 14+ hours a day of work nonstop.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I understand he will always be busy and I'm ok with that. But being the chief resident at a crazy busy hospital, with one resident short makes him have to make up for that resident that is no longer working there. So being busy is one thing... but this is a whole other level of bush that people don't understand. Even when he's home he will take his calls on speaker phone because all the residents have to go through him because he is chief before they make any decisions. 

I work in the same hospital as he does. I see the OR schedule so I know he is not making his schedule up. 

The problem is, the hospital employs multiple groups of Ct surgeons with multiple surgeons in each group. The residents are responsible to be with all the surgeons and their patients. So maybe one surgeon only has one case, he gets to go home to his family after. But there are SO many surgeons he has to be with, some of them who for some reason like to operate in the evening. Ahhh it's just beyond frustrating. And it really is abuse of slave labor


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Yes I am hating on men right now. But right now you are all stupid and annoying to me.


lol, it's okay. Safe place. Let it out.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> lol, it's okay. Safe place. Let it out.




Haha thanks! I am so cranky today lol


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome.
> *What I do, has no affect on anything.* It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do.
> 
> *He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it.* And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) *so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. *Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.


Maybe if I share a little about what my Sex Starved Marriage was like you might better understand. 

My wife and I drifted apart emotionally then sexually. My (Chapman's 5 Languages of Love) primary and secondary love languages were touch (not sex, but touch) and words of affirmation or praise. Her's were acts of service and quality time. (The 5th love language is presents.) 

For my wife growing up and watching how her mother showed love to her father, it was a hot home cooked meal each evening (act of service) followed by a dinner table discussion (quality time). That to her was what love was. I didn't grow up that way.

When I came home late and dinner was over cooked or she had to eat with just the kids and not me, she would become angry for making her feel "un-loved." Then she would yell at me. Yelling is the opposite of praise or words of affirmation, so she made me feel un-loved. I would then exit the dinner table as quickly as possible and hide in front of the TV, so I wouldn't be yelled at. That made her feel even more unloved as I was denying her "quality time" even if the quality time was her yelling at me. 

As a good husband and father I worked harder and later at work so as to be a "good provider." I got promotions and raises so that my wife and family wanted for nothing. I was really doing two things avoiding the battles over dinner and quality time. I was also getting praise from my co-workers, which made be feel loved and special.

Even as we drifted apart we told each other just about every day in our own love languages (that our spouse couldn't understand) that we loved them. I would touch my wife to show her I loved her. She would interpret a hand on her shoulder as my pawing at her to get in her pants. I would tell her how good she was at what she did (praise). She would tell me to stop trying to butter her up to get in her pants.

She was very angry at me and made sure that I was never touched even by accident as we passed in the hall or that I was never praised, even though she didn't know my love languages she knew how to hurt me.

Did I want sex with her? O God yes! She never initiated and regularly rejected me, in incredibly emotionally hurtful ways. I started to stay up late until I knew she would be asleep before I went to bed. I made sure she was exhausted and that I was as well. That prevented her from rejecting me and me from trying to initiate anything so as to avoid rejection. 

So yes I really, really wanted to have sex to feel emotionally close to her, but had been emotionally hurt so often by her and her rejections, that I would not let my guard down and actively figured out ways to avoid sex. If she had offered me her "*****" on a platter, I would probably have run for cover fearing an emotional ambush.

I really don't know about the dynamics of your marriage. But in mine, I started to read relationship books. Two I would recommend to you are MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's 5 Languages of love. They and other books helped me better understand the demon dance that my wife and I were doing to each other. 

Ultimately, I recognized that I was a big part of the problem and that I could not change my wife or demand her to change. So, I took MW Davis advice and decided to change myself. I did and started to provider her with love in her love languages (which was not sex). We still didn't have sex. I tried doing more housework, but she viewed that not as acts of service, but as doing my fair share of the chores....FINALLY. Ultimately, one morning I got up early made a pot of coffee and decided to bring some back to the bedroom to drink as I woke up. I brought her a cup. THAT SHE viewed as an act of service. We talked in bed as we work up. She viewed that as quality time. I finally understood how I could make her feel loved. 

Then I discovered that if I acted as her assistant chef in the kitchen so that she had more time and energy to create more spectacular dinners and that after dinner, I brought her a glass of wine to talk about her day that she would feel loved at the beginning and end of each day. That coupled with the help of a really great sex therapist was how our marriage was saved and we started to have sex again.

Your situation may be different, but I would wager that both you and your H want much of the same things, you just have drifted apart and need to find a set of actions that will bring you toward each other. It will take both of you to save and repair your marriage, but one of you has to start the process. In my case I was the one that figured out the problem first, that I was part of the problem (it is almost always both partners being part of the problem) and so I worked on fixing the part of the marriage that I had control over.

Good luck


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@Young at Heart
Thank you so much for that post. I really identified myself and my marriage in it. I've been having a very emotional, negative, depressing day today, and I felt hopeless. My husband is not perfect, but my threshold for him has become so low that it's just not fair. I see everything so clearly from my view only. I know he has to do better but he is probably not wanting to try because he always feels like he is letting me down because I make it very clear to him. 

Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so ****ing mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> I think my husband should be fully conscious and actively do something with me with his full attention.
> 
> He should be affectionate. If he wants to have sex, show me don't tell me. Act like we're dating and your trying to sleep with me. What ever happened to men putting the moves on their women? *That's for people dating only???* Is it me or are men becoming lazier and lazier when they want to have sex? I mean honestly. Hey honey do you want to have sex tonight? That doesn't cut it! No? Ok I'll just get back to my video games and I'll master-bate in the shower later.
> 
> Ahh I'm annoyed.


That's true unfortunately. Men don't try anymore....and let me tell you this..._not even_ when they're dating. I see men around me that when they start dating the girl they've been thinking about...they don't try as hard as they used to before dating her.

Also, to make matters worse...sometimes they don't even pursue, flirt, follow, pay to attention to women anymore. And even if they don't get sex from a certain woman...they simply don't care [probably because they know they might get it somewhere else.]

It hurts even more when your husband stops trying, *not because of you*, but because he's too lazy to even _think_ about trying...let alone get in the action. 

It makes you feel like he thinks you're not worth trying...[that's how I'd feel. I mean, I don't wanna make you feel bad hun, it's just that from the way you're describing his behavior...that's the impression I get..and I'm so sorry for that.] :|

He needs a wake up call hun. Please, find a time during the weekend to make a re-evaluation of your marriage so far and actually have THE TALK with him. Sit him down, talk quietly and frankly. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. I'm just emotional, and needy and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so f*cking mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...


Alright, so things aren't good, and as you acknowledge, you guys are caught in a cycle which can't be all that healthy for your marriage. So the question is, what is it going to take to change it? What if things with his job don't change for the next 1, 2, 5 yrs or longer? I get the frustration, but what is the next step?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Alright, so things aren't good, and as you acknowledge, you guys are caught in a cycle which can't be all that healthy for your marriage. So the question is, what is it going to take to change it? What if things with his job don't change for the next 1, 2, 5 yrs or longer? I get the frustration, but what is the next step?




Well his residency is done in june, so his hours will be better for sure.

I also know I can't force him to change, so working on my issues is the best thing I can do and In pursuit of that I hope to be happier, and inspire him to change. 
One issue that I have is that I create a unhealthy social life for myself. I isolate myself. I don't make friends or don't hang out with friends. So my husband is it, which is why I think when he upsets me, it's magnitude is blown out of proportion because there is nothing else in my world If that makes sense. 
Balancing a social life has always been very hard for me. I'm very task oriented and have always been working toward something and I use that as an excuse not to hang it with people and socialize. Like right now... my excuse is im studying for my boards. I'm going to sign up for a class like yoga, or something and at least try to socialize. 

Right now I am unhappy in a lot of areas in my life and I think I'm putting that unhappiness on my husbands shoulders and I know that's not fair.

So I'm going to work on my life and my **** right now. And of course I'll be on here venting and *****ing when I need an outlet 


{Moderator Note: I spelled out the profanity. Please follow forum rules in regards to the profanity filter.

8. Filter Bypass/Obscenity: A profanity filter is in place and any attempts to bypass it are forbidden. You MAY type words that are filtered, as long as they are not abusive towards other quests or violate any other rules; however, you must allow the filter to do its job. Do NOT try to filter the word yourself and do not try to use creative spelling to bypass the profanity filter. Also, posting images of videos of obscene gestures, linking to obscene web sites, posting obscene or graphic descriptions of a decidedly adult nature, and violating a standard of decent behavior is not allowed.

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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> That's true unfortunately. Men don't try anymore....and let me tell you this..._not even_ when they're dating. I see men around me that when they start dating the girl they've been thinking about...they don't try as hard as they used to before dating her.
> 
> Also, to make matters worse...sometimes they don't even pursue, flirt, follow, pay to attention to women anymore. And even if they don't get sex from a certain woman...they simply don't care [probably because they know they might get it somewhere else.


EDIT* The places you're hanging around attract the wrong men... >


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> [MENTION=177266]........I've been having a very emotional, negative, depressing day today, and *I felt hopeless.* My husband is not perfect, but my threshold for him has become so low that it's just not fair. I see everything so clearly from my view only. I know he has to do better but he is probably not wanting to try because he always feels like he is letting me down *because I make it very clear to him. *
> 
> Aahhh marriage is hard. I am going to try to be better and stop complaining and I'll try to show him more appreciation. *I'm just emotional, and needy* and not to be annoying but I really want him. I want to spend time with him, I want to cuddle with him, I just love him a lot and I get so ****ing mad when he comes home upset and exhausted and he just falls asleep. It makes me mad and sad and really disappointed and unhappy because it's all the time, almost everyday. So I get why he doesn't want to come home to that and thus the cycle continues...





katiecrna said:


> Well his residency is done in june, so his hours will be better for sure.
> 
> I also know *I can't force him to change, so working on my issues is the best thing I can do* and In pursuit of that I hope to be happier, and i*nspire him to change*.
> One issue that I have is that I create a unhealthy social life for myself. *I isolate myself*. I don't make friends or don't hang out with friends. So my husband is it, which is why I think when he upsets me, it's magnitude is blown out of proportion because there is nothing else in my world If that makes sense.
> ...


Wow you have so much insight, I think you will figure out what needs to be done to save your marriage and get what you want out of life. You know the issues and you understand what the answers are.

May I again, suggest MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and Chapmans 5 languages of love. Get them read them, study them.

As to meeting other people and doing things, may I suggest something other than yoga. Part of the MW Davis Get a Life program is to accomplish what you understand. That is to gain confidence, become less clingy, accomplish something you didn't think you could do, find new friends and hobbies, and change your husbands view of the woman he shares a life with.

I strongly suggest that instead of your doing yoga, take up pole dancing, belly dancing, strip tease or something similar. They are all exercise classes that in various communities will be all female and introduce you to new people who actually don't have "perfect bodies." It will force you to confront some of your fears (possible body self image issues), learn to become "playful" around a man and most importantly make your husband look at you much differently. By the end of his residency, maybe if he knows you will have gotten your skills down and be prancing around inside your house without a lot of clothes on, he will look forward to coming home early for a change.

If you just can't do one of those classes, sign up for a massage therapy class or a cosmetology class. Learn how to use make-up to make yourself look spectacular. Learn how to massage a person so your husband will literally melt in your hands.

The point of Getting a Life is to become a better, more self confident you who has fun and new experiences and is the most fascinating person your husband needs. To do that you will need to break your co-dependence on him and your clinglyness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. 

The Sex Therapist who helped save my marriage also stressed that I needed to take responsibility for my own sexual happiness until my wife wanted to emotionally and sexually join our marriage. That meant masturbation and not cheating. That allowed my wife to know that I was a sexual being even if she didn't want to be part of my sex life. It also let her know that I was not ashamed of my sexuality. I always told her I wanted her to be part of my sex life even if it was just being next to me and putting her head on my chest or a hand on my shoulder, but then touch is my primary love language and would make me feel much closer to her.

Probably way too much information.

However, I really do think you understand the issues (at least based on what I have experienced). Good luck and be confident, inspire him to change as you change yourself. Blow his mind.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Thanks @Young at Heart I appreciate your suggestions! I will look into those things for sure


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> That's true unfortunately. Men don't try anymore....and let me tell you this..._not even_ when they're dating. I see men around me that when they start dating the girl they've been thinking about...they don't try as hard as they used to before dating her.


You paint with too broad a brush and you need to meet some better men.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have always thought that this is more of a male problem based on millions of online posts by men. However, I have known many men who are only interested in their own pleasure and feel that a wife has a duty to sexually satisfy his wife. If they have an orgasm it is a happy coincidence. 

Women have always wanted to have sex with me, not date me, just have sex with me. I found out why many years later. It was because of word of mouth in our town and the local high schools. My wife knew of me and had seen my picture, years before we even met and could not believe that I asked her out on a date, knowing the women I have dated before. The reason is that I always gave them good orgams, even the ones who never had them before outside of masturbation. I enjoy giving sexual pleasure more than receiving it. I also believe that frank communication between the couple is the secret to great sex. 

You really need to talk to your husband to find out what he likes and tell him what you like. I have known so many husband and wives who were afraid to tell their spouses about a fantasy or fetish. Some would never even tell their spouse that they were unhappy with their sex life. I consistently bring my wife to orgasm in under 3 minutes because I know exactly what buttons to press and when to press them. She also has multiple orgasms if she can handle them at her age. When we were young her record was 17 orgasms before I even had one. I think it is better when a woman does not have to worry or think about pleasuring the man in bed with them and can focus on just receiving pleasure before giving it. 

Of course when you are young just looking at each other can produce an orgasm but once love and sex matures, you need to work in it. My wife and I have tried just about every fetish in the book and some that are not there. If sex got boring we talked about why and then found a new fetish to jump start our marriage. If we got caught up in life and our careers, we would schedule sex nights that were mandatory. Few know that orgasm produce a hormone called Oxytocin which emotionally bonds a couple together. It lasts for about an hour after the orgasm for the guy but a few hours for the woman. It will work even if just touching or holding hands but to a much lesser extent. Even when it gets reabsorbed into your brain, the memory of it lives on and that is why sex partners experience feelings. Sex is one of those things that the more you have it, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you want it. If you love each other there should be no problem in making sure you have sex at least once a week to get exposure to that hormone that will bind you two together. To give you some idea of Oxytocin's power, it is the same hormone that bounds a mother to her child.

So talk and then schedule sex nights with mandatory attendance, even if you just cuddle at first. One exercise is to find one of those lists of fetishes on the internet. You both mark the ones you might like and those you are willing to try. Then compare the results to see if you can find some sexual fetishes that you are both interested in. At worst you both know what the other likes and can discuss it. It will open the lines of conversation. When I was with a woman who was too shy to tell me what she fantasizes about, I would tell her the most gross and odd things other women have asked me to do with them. That usually makes the woman's fantasy seem tame by comparison. 

One last thing that helps is watching each other masturbate. Your husband will learn, if he cares, how you bring yourself to orgasm. Do you need penetration or prefer direct clitoral stimulation? Do you play with your breast/nipples to help yourself orgam? Do you go fast or slow of a combination of both. Then you watch him and make note of what he likes. A great sex life takes work but the results are well worth it. Both my wife and I, and even our girlfriend, have had a sex life much better than we ever imagined. It is outside of the mainstream of marriage but by not boxing ourselves into society's marriage rules, we found a slice of happiness and held on to it for as long as we could.

Communicate. It cannot make your sex life worse.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Katie, I've mentioned this before, but my wife and I are physicians and survived residency with our marriage intact. I'm not willing to give him a totally free pass, but you of all people being a CRNA recognize all the hard work and crap your husband puts up with every day. Sure you want him to romance you and sweep you off your feet, but that isn't going to happen with his exhaustion and time constraints. June is not that far away. I do hope he is listening to you and is capable of upping his romantic game once residency is completed.

For now, romance him as best you can. Does he at least make the effort to satisfy you when you do have sex? I still have fond memories of quick encounters with my wife in the on-call room even after 25 years have gone by. Even a quick BJ there might light a spark if you can make that happen.

Hang in there!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I work in the same hospital as he does. I see the OR schedule so I know he is not making his schedule up.


 @katiecrna I'll share with you something that may help. In my marriage my wife and I have different desires for frequency and that creates problems, but one thing DOES HELP! 

Try working together on positive ways to nurture and care for each other's desire during times when sex is NOT an option. So instead of creating anxiety about not having the time or energy to be together, you can channel that into creative ways to let each other know that you care about each other. 

OK, your husband complains you are not available enough (even if it is his own fault) and this makes you furious. What if you spent time coaching each other on how to transform those complaints into compliments towards each other. Instead of getting upset, just ask him to describe to you in detail what he wants sexually in the event you two are apart as a way to perhaps have phone sex. In turn, you could perhaps pack him something of yours for him to enjoy thinking about you when he gets a moment. 

An example might be to put a steamy love note in his pocket for him to read when he gets a moment alone. He could do the same for you! 

Badsanta


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## eroark (Feb 11, 2017)

BuddyL33 said:


> I feel I'm in a similar boat as the OP except I'm a man. My SO rarely pursues me (maybe once a month), I get shot down for sex probably 90% of the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm just unplugged. She talks about how her last husband cheated on her but he never told her the relationship was toxic to give her a chance to fix it. When I tell her what I need, instead of listening to me, she flips it and makes it about her. Says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough because I want it more than once a month (3x-4x a week is my need level). I do everything for her and I'm always there when she needs me, when she is hurting, or is overwhelmed by something. I continually take on more and more to alleviate what stresses her, but then I'm left out in the cold. I want pursued. I want desired. I want chased some. I want complimented now and then.


I know exactly how you and the OP feels and am in the same boat with my SO. If she does "pursue" me, it's once a month, even if that. I feel that I am always the one that has to try to initiate it and even when I do, I get shot down and am told no, that she is tired. We have children together, but when she gets home from work, she sits in her chair and that is all she does the rest of the night. She sits all day at her job, Medical Bill Collector, and I work in IT. I jsut wish she would pursue me more and not turn me down for it. Hell the only way I was able to get it for a week straight, was to tell her I wanted it that way for a week due to my birthday coming up.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

mitchell said:


> Katie, I've mentioned this before, but my wife and I are physicians and survived residency with our marriage intact. I'm not willing to give him a totally free pass, but you of all people being a CRNA recognize all the hard work and crap your husband puts up with every day. Sure you want him to romance you and sweep you off your feet, but that isn't going to happen with his exhaustion and time constraints. June is not that far away. I do hope he is listening to you and is capable of upping his romantic game once residency is completed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for this. Your right I need to cut him some slack. And yes we do have great sex when we have it.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!


Right there with you. He'll put the effort in once we're actually naked together but he puts zero effort into building desire. Does your husband do that thing where he's affectionate but it's never sexual affection? That's where I am right now  It's sweet but it doesn't get me hot.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> Maybe if I share a little about what my Sex Starved Marriage was like you might better understand.
> 
> My wife and I drifted apart emotionally then sexually. My (Chapman's 5 Languages of Love) primary and secondary love languages were touch (not sex, but touch) and words of affirmation or praise. Her's were acts of service and quality time. (The 5th love language is presents.)
> 
> ...


Good post. 

Question--you mentioned that you and your wife eventually resumed a sexual relationship, but did she ever learn and start speaking YOUR love languages? If so, how did that come about? Did you tie her down and make her read the book?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Good post.
> 
> Question--you mentioned that you and your wife eventually resumed a sexual relationship, but did she ever learn and start speaking YOUR love languages? If so, how did that come about? Did you tie her down and make her read the book?


Good Question.

I didn't tie her down as she is really not into that! :wink2: But I gave her a copy of Chapman's book, she read it and took the test to find out for herself what her love languages were. I also took the test in my book and we exchanged the answers which were pretty obvious once we had read and understood what Chapman was saying.

Did I teach her my love languages? That is a hard question to answer. She knows them, but they still seem like a foreign language to her. She is semi-fluent but isn't making a push to become fluent. She will touch me now, especially when she knows she has done something really wrong. One of her first things she will do is to touch my chest our shoulder as a way of saying she is sorry or please forgive me as I really do love you. So she knows this on a conscious and subconscious level.

When we have sex she will touch me a lot more than when we were in a Sex Starved Marriage. Would I like it if she touched me more or felt more comfortable touching me more often in a non-sexual time and way? Yes, but at least she knows what she needs to do to make me feel loved and makes sure I get some touch. And considering what I felt like in the Sex Starved Marriage phase, some touch, some praise, and meaningful sex twice a week is so very much better.

I think the key to becoming fluent in another love language that is not your own is based on the person's desire to truly communicate their love to their partner. I have come to understand that unless I provide my wife with acts of service and quality time, she will not feel loved. I want her to feel loved and so I have learned to do and "ritualized" those things in our life that make her feel loved. 

The key though is to take responsibility for your own happiness and let go of as much codependence as you can.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Thanks for this. Your right I need to cut him some slack. And yes we do have great sex when we have it.


I don't mean to pry, but what makes the sex so great when you have it? You describe a selfish and aloof husband, does he become a tender and caring lover when you do have sex? Does he slow down, caress and kiss you all over for hours making sure you have multiple O's or are you just a lucky woman who easily orgasms from penetration?

I was very surprised to hear that you have such great sex given how you have described your husband.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

mitchell said:


> You describe a selfish and aloof husband, does he become a tender and caring lover when you do have sex? Does he slow down, *caress and kiss you all over for hours* making sure you have multiple O's or are you just a lucky woman who easily orgasms from penetration?


There are plenty of women who find being caressed and kissed all over for hours really boring.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

kag123 said:


> Being long distance was hard enough, but he would go days without contacting me. (He would literally work in studio for 72 hours at a time without going home.) He was all consumed by his work. It seemed ridiculous to me that anything on earth could be that all encompassing. Like, you really can't take five minutes to call me?.


I assume he is an architect? Or related design professional? 

My older girl is in a top ten graduate design program and has plenty of time for her cat, her significant other, her family, her teaching position, and cooking/baking... 

The secret: date within your field and sleep after death (sign in her studio).


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

mitchell said:


> I don't mean to pry, but what makes the sex so great when you have it? You describe a selfish and aloof husband, does he become a tender and caring lover when you do have sex? Does he slow down, caress and kiss you all over for hours making sure you have multiple O's or are you just a lucky woman who easily orgasms from penetration?
> 
> 
> 
> I was very surprised to hear that you have such great sex given how you have described your husband.




It's great because he's good and into it and loves to switch positions. I always orgasm. If it's not from PIV he will go down on me to make sure I get my O.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

john117 said:


> I assume he is an architect? Or related design professional?
> 
> My older girl is in a top ten graduate design program and has plenty of time for her cat, her significant other, her family, her teaching position, and cooking/baking...
> 
> The secret: date within your field and sleep after death (sign in her studio).


Architect, yes. 

I was too at one point, but switched over to engineering before the studio portion. I would not have survived studio!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

kag123 said:


> Architect, yes.
> 
> I was too at one point, but switched over to engineering before the studio portion. I would not have survived studio!


He he. I know the feeling. 

Of course technology wasn't there in the old days, so one had to slave it out at the studio. Today a laptop is the studio... and parents get real time commentary of the design reviews 

The problem with architects or physicians is the hours remain long after graduation... It's something the OP has to accept. At least her partner will bring in serious money...


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I miss this too sometimes. My and my hubbies sex life has been lackluster over the last two years or so. Recently it's been getting better but I want to be persued throughout the day too. It sounds silly but it'd be nice. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome.
> What I do, has no affect on anything. It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do.
> 
> He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it. And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my p*ssy on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.


That would drive me bonkers. I try to dress in cute clothes around the house, do my makeup. All of it unnoticed. Even if he does it doesn't go anywhere. His thing is he's always tired. Stop being tired


katiecrna said:


> I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!



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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

So you've gotten some good advice @katiecrna

I think you need to take responsibility for ramping yourself up - a book, magazine, images, vibrator, whatever. He can't take that on now.

Your need to be pursued may have to be put aside. My w will never do that - we've talked forever - she won't wear anything sexy during the day lest her sexuality be present outside the bed. I'd love that but it will never come.

So I take care of the ramp up. It removed that pressure and expectation and related resentment. Then I'm much happier. And I snuggle and we have sex. It's great and I love it. It's not the way I would like in my mind but it gets to the same point and we are close and very connected.

Your situation is also like a lot of guys who think women are supposed to act like they do in porn, then are dissatisfied or sad that they aren't getting what they need. Of course your needs sound reasonable; all I'm saying is they aren't likely to be met the way you want at this time.

If you do this and remove the pressure from the both of you, you may find your anger and resentment fall away, and his apparently contradictory needs being met.

Good luck


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Thanks everyone. I caved in and initiated sex last night. It's been 3 weeks. A girl has to do what a girl has to do...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Thanks everyone. I caved in and initiated sex last night. It's been 3 weeks. A girl has to do what a girl has to do...




Well I hope it was enjoyable.

I bought nurses scrubs for my w for some role play but we haven't done it yet... ya know like I said it might be a looooooong wait for her to initiate... but maybe I'll set them out some day for her. I suppose I'd need a script as well... I've spent a lot of time in hospitals and thought a little fun at home might make future visits more enjoyable. I guess I'd have to be careful or I might end up showing my reminiscences at inappropriate times if it ends up being too much fun 


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He tried to go to sleep before finishing me off... hahahahahahaha he had another thing coming. He's so silly.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I am sorry for your frustration. (No joking.) 🕸 (That's a joke tho.)


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Thanks everyone. I caved in and initiated sex last night. It's been 3 weeks. A girl has to do what a girl has to do...
> 
> He tried to go to sleep before finishing me off... hahahahahahaha he had another thing coming. He's so silly.


Glad you're taking this whole situation with some sense of humor....but I'd feel totally undesired, unfeminine, unwanted ...whatever you call it ...from my SO.

If he's not trying to improve the situation now, when will he?? When he gets older? When he feels more tired than he already is now?? Forget it.

Will you be able to put up with that for the rest of your life??
For how long will you keep on craving ..and craving..and craving ...'til you initiate again?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> Glad you're taking this whole situation with some sense of humor....but I'd feel totally undesired, unfeminine, unwanted ...whatever you call it ...from my SO.
> 
> If he's not trying to improve the situation now, when will he?? When he gets older? When he feels more tired than he already is now?? Forget it.
> 
> ...




Yes I will be able to put up with it. It's annoying, but not a deal breaker for me. If he denied me sex when I initiated I might be feeling different but he doesn't. 

As for how it makes me feel? It doesn't make me feel anyway about myself. That is how my husband is, it has nothing to do with me. If he was with someone else he would be the same way.

I don't mind initiating at all. 

I would love my husband to be more romantic and light some candles and seduce me. But he works 100hrs a week at a very stressful job. So I get it. He probably wouldn't do it if he was a stay at home husband anyway lol. 
I would love to have a million dollars and for my husband to be 6"4, and for me to have a perfect body. Oh well...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Yes I will be able to put up with it. It's annoying, but not a deal breaker for me. If he denied me sex when I initiated I might be feeling different but he doesn't.
> 
> As for how it makes me feel? It doesn't make me feel anyway about myself. That is how my husband is, it has nothing to do with me. If he was with someone else he would be the same way.
> 
> ...




Seduce you? Ha ha ha you're a sure thing.

But I get it and I'd love to be teased a bit myself. But I'm definitely a sure thing! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Holdingontoit said:


> He is a doctor working an exhausting schedule. There may be no end to this until he retires in 30 or 40 years. He wants more sex. But in a passive sense. Kinda like I would like to win the lottery. Doesn't mean I buy any tickets, but I sure would like to win. Doctors work very hard for a very long time. That is one of the reasons they earn big bucks. Very hard to separate the big bucks from being on call, working long hours, covering for colleagues, etc. I know of a woman on another internet forum who is married to a surgeon and has been discussing this exact issue for years.
> 
> So I agree with @SunCMars: may be time for you to choose. Your husband may not be physically capable of fulfilling his obligations as a doctor and fulfilling his obligations as a lover. He has made it clear which he prioritizes. Now you have to decide your priorities.


I had two things I was going to add, which have more or less already been said.

One, his priority is his work. Whether that's right or wrong is up to you to decide. It's hard for it not to be when you're a surgeon, but that's the life he chose, and the life you knew he would be living.

Two, his desire for sex doesn't seem to have changed - he still wants it. BUT, he wants it on his terms.

It very much sounds to me that he wants a wife who jumps him when he gets home, or gives him BJs when he's relaxing on the couch. Because he's 'too tired' to do the initiation (which is something he keeps telling you over and over).

Perhaps he thinks he's earned this 'right', because he's a surgeon who works long hours and dedicates his life to his job. So when he gets home, he wants a wife who will pleasure him. From his POV, you want more sex, and he's not making himself unavailable to that - he's just not willing to _go get it_. He likely believes that this is now something for YOU to get.

Like many others in this thread, my wife has a similar mindset (though she's not a surgeon, and doesn't work crazy hours, etc.) But it's up to _me_ to have sex. She's 'available', and doesn't often reject me, but she also never does any of the 'work' to get it started.

I think with her, the mindset may be somewhat similar to OP's husbands. I'm self-employed, don't have long hours, I didn't give birth to two children, etc etc etc. But I have the time to feed everybody, get the kids to school, keep the house moderately clean and tidy, do laundry, and many other things. I keep myself busy. But the optics are still that she's the one that has a 9-5 job, pays the bills and manages the finances (her choice), does the grocery shopping (also her choice). Because I have an unconventional day and I don't wear a suit or a hardhat to work, I think there's a stigma there that I'm not a "working man" or that I don't know what a 'hard day at work' is, therefore when it comes time for marital things (like sex), it should be me that has to do the heavy lifting. Because she's the one who comes home tired, those responsibilities should lie on me instead of her.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I am dying for a good sex life. I am dying to be pursued, dying for some romance. I am dying for my husband to put forth more effort. There is nothing better than effort!




And some of us do all that and it is ignored.:frown2:


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> And some of us do all that and it is ignored.:frown2:




This is interesting because I know how to get my husband in the mood. Even when he's not in the mood, I feel like "my moves" always get him in the mood. I know what to say, what to do, what he likes and my success rate is like 99.9%. I do things that I know turn HIM on. 
He on the other hand... his moves don't always do it for me. I think he does what he likes to me, but it doesn't get me in the mood. He hasn't figured this out yet. 
For example... last week he initiated before going to work. He did all these things that I guess are a turn on but he rushed. Then he tried to put it in me, and I wasn't wet enough. And he then did some stuff that was not a turn on for me, and I was definitely not wet enough. Anyway... sex didn't happen. I was frustrated and so was he. But I feel like he ruined it because he was so focused on getting it in vs making me excited that he went soft because it hurt him essentially. 

Yes we can use lube and blah blah. But how about you figure out what I like and do that. I say and do things that I don't necessarily like but I know he does and the point when I initiate is to get HIM in the mood. He doesn't do the same when he tries to initiate. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> This is interesting because I know how to get my husband in the mood. Even when he's not in the mood, I feel like "my moves" always get him in the mood. *I know what to say, what to do,* what he likes and my success rate is like 99.9%. I do things that I know turn HIM on.
> He on the other hand... his moves don't always do it for me. I think he does what he likes to me, *but it doesn't get me in the mood. He hasn't figured this out yet. *
> For example... last week he initiated before going to work. He did all these things that I guess are a turn on but he rushed. Then he tried to put it in me, and I wasn't wet enough. And he then did some stuff that was not a turn on for me, and I was definitely not wet enough. Anyway... sex didn't happen. I was frustrated and so was he. But I feel like he ruined it because he was so focused on getting it in vs making me excited that he went soft because it hurt him essentially.
> 
> Yes we can use lube and blah blah. But how about you figure out what I like and do that. I say and do things that I don't necessarily like but I know he does and the point when I initiate is to get HIM in the mood. He doesn't do the same when he tries to initiate. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.



Does he know what you want him to do? If you have told him and he still doesn't get it, then I can understand the frustration. But if not, not likely he can read minds.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> Does he know what you want him to do? If you have told him and he still doesn't get it, then I can understand the frustration. But if not, not likely he can read minds.




He knows. Ive told him and it's obvious. He knows what I like but he doesn't do it long enough to get effect. He gets impatient and wants to go for the kill too early.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> He knows. Ive told him and it's obvious. He knows what I like *but he doesn't do it long enough to get effect*. He gets impatient and wants to go for the kill too early.



Does he know about this part? I would love for bits of information like this that would improve things.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> Does he know about this part? I would love for bits of information like this that would improve things.




He knows because he goes to try to have sex with me and my vagina is essentially blocking that from happening lol.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He just thinks I'm ready, not knowing that I'm not and he goes in for the kill, and ends up being blocked. Then he gets frustrated and is all in his head and blah blah he goes soft. The end.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> He just thinks I'm ready, not knowing that I'm not and he goes in for the kill, and ends up being blocked. Then he gets frustrated and is all in his head and blah blah he goes soft. The end.




Oh wow...are you married to my husband??


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

hifromme67 said:


> Oh wow...are you married to my husband??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I think it's common and men like don't get it.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I think it's common and men like don't get it.


Be advised , it is really HARD for him to believe it takes you that long to warm up - cause he ain't like that.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> He tried to go to sleep before finishing me off... hahahahahahaha he had another thing coming. He's so silly.



Good for you!!


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## mergingcultures (Feb 23, 2017)

BuddyL33 said:


> I feel I'm in a similar boat as the OP except I'm a man. My SO rarely pursues me (maybe once a month), I get shot down for sex probably 90% of the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm just unplugged. She talks about how her last husband cheated on her but he never told her the relationship was toxic to give her a chance to fix it. When I tell her what I need, instead of listening to me, she flips it and makes it about her. Says it makes her feel like she isn't good enough because I want it more than once a month (3x-4x a week is my need level). I do everything for her and I'm always there when she needs me, when she is hurting, or is overwhelmed by something. I continually take on more and more to alleviate what stresses her, but then I'm left out in the cold. I want pursued. I want desired. I want chased some. I want complimented now and then.


Wait, are we married to the same woman?!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

anonmd said:


> Be advised , it is really HARD for him to believe it takes you that long to warm up - cause he ain't like that.



you can rev yourself up before he gets home. read a kinky book or watch some porn or a sexy movie, put on some lingerie, and when he walks in the door jump his bones. Do NOT give him a chance to lie down on the couch and fall asleep, do him first. If you want to get his head into it, text him a picture of you in that lingerie as he is getting into his car....get his mind fixed on getting laid.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> you can rev yourself up before he gets home. read a kinky book or watch some porn or a sexy movie, put on some lingerie, and when he walks in the door jump his bones. Do NOT give him a chance to lie down on the couch and fall asleep, do him first. If you want to get his head into it, text him a picture of you in that lingerie as he is getting into his car....get his mind fixed on getting laid.


 @Talker67 you know good and well it does not work that way. Women get all revved up with stuff like watching us husbands install new custom bathroom cabinetry, or us taking our wives shoe shopping and out for dinner and a few glasses of wine. That is not exactly something that works so well solo.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I get that he works a ton. I'm just tired of it. Everyday it's the same thing with the same outcome.
> What I do, has no affect on anything. It doesn't matter if I'm home or not, if I go to bed early or late. If the house is a complete mess or amazingly clean. If I cook dinner or not. Nothing matters. He doesn't complain. Ever. He comes home half asleep, and quickly falls asleep no matter what I do.
> 
> He complains about not having enough sex, but does nothing to change it. And I get that he can't help it if he's tired. But every time he says something about sex it drives me insane!!!! Like I literally just offered to drive up to the hospital so we can have an afternoon delight in the on call room because I know he will be operating all day and late tonight. He said that he will be in the OR for the next 4-5hrs. (Not the response I wanted to hear). Then he says to me... if we don't have sex tonight I'm going to go insane. (Which the only reason why we won't have sex is because of him not me!) so I said to him... if you want to have sex tonight then make it happen. And he responds... it goes both ways Katie. Which pissed me off!!' I said I just offered you my ***** on a platter, I offered to drive the 30-45min drive one way to have sex in a gross on call room in a hospital and then drive the 30-45mins back home so don't tell me it goes both ways.
> ...


Stop talking, and just DO IT, just rip off his clothes and seduce him, this isn't that hard.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> It was great before. He wanted to have sex more than me. He wasn't the most romantic, but he did do romantic stuff like take bubble baths with me and give me massages.


Falling testosterone levels will cause this


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@katiecrna sorry but you are bull headed. Tell him you aren't ready, for gods sake. Why would he try to enter if he knew you weren't? Quit asking him to mind read - most guys aren't that way. Our brains are wired differently and we lack the connections between lobes. Jeepers this should be easy to solve!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @katiecrna sorry but you are bull headed. Tell him you aren't ready, for gods sake. Why would he try to enter if he knew you weren't? Quit asking him to mind read - most guys aren't that way. Our brains are wired differently and we lack the connections between lobes. Jeepers this should be easy to solve!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Your joking right? 
I was excited, I knew I was wet but I obviously have no way of knowing how wet I am. He is the one who was down there so he would of know better than I would. He went to put it in me, and I wasn't wet enough I guess.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Introducing ........KY Gel. Best thing ever.........you should buy some.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

We have lube in the shower. It's the only time we usually use it.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

keep some in the bedroom.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Your joking right?
> I was excited, I knew I was wet but I obviously have no way of knowing how wet I am. He is the one who was down there so he would of know better than I would. He went to put it in me, and I wasn't wet enough I guess.




Sorry completely misunderstood.

Honestly though it can be hard to tell if you're not ready when the testosterone kicks in


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Start taking control of your own body. You should always be the one who knows best exactly how ready you are. If you don't, then you need to get in better touch with your own body. Start playing with yourself and paying attention to what your lady parts feel like and use your finger to test how wet you are at each stage of the proceedings. Then you will know what it feels like at each stage of wetness.

Do not be limited by the thought that you "shouldn't" need lube. Nothing wrong with lube. What is wrong is trying to have PIV without sufficient lubrication. No shame in saying "honey, not ready yet, grab the lube". Frankly, I never try to enter my wife without lubing first. Even if I have been giving her oral and there is plenty of saliva and her secretions in the area. I never try to insert a dry penis anywhere. Neither should your husband. Why risk having a problem when you can eliminate the risk and have an easy smooth insertion every time? If you always lube first, it isn't a statement about anything relating to that session ans it is just part of sex. Every time all the time.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Start taking control of your own body. You should always be the one who knows best exactly how ready you are. If you don't, then you need to get in better touch with your own body. Start playing with yourself and paying attention to what your lady parts feel like and use your finger to test how wet you are at each stage of the proceedings. Then you will know what it feels like at each stage of wetness.
> 
> 
> 
> Do not be limited by the thought that you "shouldn't" need lube. Nothing wrong with lube. What is wrong is trying to have PIV without sufficient lubrication. No shame in saying "honey, not ready yet, grab the lube". Frankly, I never try to enter my wife without lubing first. Even if I have been giving her oral and there is plenty of saliva and her secretions in the area. I never try to insert a dry penis anywhere. Neither should your husband. Why risk having a problem when you can eliminate the risk and have an easy smooth insertion every time? If you always lube first, it isn't a statement about anything relating to that session ans it is just part of sex. Every time all the time.




I know all this but your missing the point...

It was obvious when my husband tried to put it in that I wasn't ready. Both of us knew right there that I obviously wasn't wet enough. So once that happened there are a few options... he can continue to do foreplay on me, or we can kiss and blah blah blah, we could grab lube (which I don't like to use lube for a specific reason I can get into later). There was no misunderstanding that I wasn't wet enough from both parties trust me. BUT what he did was he kept trying to put it in even though it was obvious it wasn't going in. (That's stupid!!). And I'm sure I said something like they I'm not ready, but he was rushing because he had to go to work and didn't want to take the time and "do it right". So while he was trying to squeeze himself into a non-existent hole it hurt and he went soft.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

On the lube subject... this is my opinion and I'm sorry if people don't agree with me...

First off I love lube. It's great when you need it. But it's not a replacement to hurry sex up so we can artificially get me wet.
I used a lot of lube when we were first married. I waited till marriage to have sex and it was a lifesaver, especially because I haven't became accommodated to him yet and he would hit my cervix and sex was painful. Then I didn't need it anymore but we always kept silicone lube in the shower because it's nice to use with shower sex. 

I am very educated on lube trust me.

My personal problem with it for me, using it in our bedroom is because I am a young healthy women who doesn't need it. I can get very very very clean up the sheets after wet. If I "need lube" it's because you are rushing. And I have a very negative feeling, experience or whatever about... oh you want to have sex? Slab some lube on me and go. It's very insensitive, you don't care to take the time and make me horny or into it. I don't know how to explain it, but using lube on me feels like a bypass of the process of getting me excited and I find that to be not only selfish but it doesn't feel good. And for the record if I'm not 100% ready... and my husband uses lube and puts it in me it hurts and it's not enjoyable, and this is because i haven't gone through the process of self lubrication and accommodation. You can just bypass that part, I'm a person who wants to experience this too. I know this is going to not go well but it reminds me of rape. I know it's not rape, I know rape is terrible and horrible. But how I feel about using lube to artificially get me ready makes me feel like I'm just a hole and not a person.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> On the lube subject... this is my opinion and I'm sorry if people don't agree with me....


I agree with you. I've bedded enough women. Have never "needed" lube ever. Healthy women don't.

I'm been in a few situations where they were bone dry initially. Most women like men warm up easily.

Example: Waking them up in the morning for sex to take care of my morning wood.

Rubbed my raw bone around the edge, dipped my tip in the pool. Boom. Good to go.

If she's not getting wet from your boner either its a medical issue or she's not into you.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> I am a young healthy women who doesn't need it.


I agree with you. My wife was always naturally super luberific, before menopause. I don't want to derail here, would you mind if I quoted parts of this post in new thread on the subject of for those who do need lube? (May only be next week.)


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> I agree with you. I've bedded enough women. Have never "needed" lube ever. Healthy women don't.
> 
> I'm been in a few situations where they were bone dry initially. Most women like men warm up easily.
> 
> ...




No it's not that she's not into you. Some women take longer than others. Sometimes I'm ready to go in seconds. Others it takes a while. Women are complication... a lot of it has to do with where we are mentally, if we're worried about something it will take us longer to get ready. It could be hormonal, it could be a lot of things. Just because she isn't getting wet quickly doesn't mean she's not into you. There is a whole bunch of other reasons it could be also.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> I agree with you. My wife was always naturally super luberific, before menopause. I don't want to derail here, would you mind if I quoted parts of this post in new thread on the subject of for those who do need lube? (May only be next week.)




Go for it. It's a good topic to discuss.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't think health has anything to do with lube. Just because I am menopausal does not mean I am unhealthy. Just saying..............

But I do understand the point you are making. That you would prefer if he took whatever time you needed to get you ready. This is something you are just going to have to let him know and remind all the time. And if you are not ready yet, then, take the bull by the horn. Move on to something else and let the foreplay continue. 

Don't make it seems like he is doing something wrong. This might be a opportunity to give you some oral. But you are going to have to direct him. Tell him what you want in a nice and sexy way. Don't give him a complex.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> No it's not that she's not into you. Some women take longer than others. Sometimes I'm ready to go in seconds. Others it takes a while. Women are complication... a lot of it has to do with where we are mentally, if we're worried about something it will take us longer to get ready. It could be hormonal, it could be a lot of things. Just because she isn't getting wet quickly doesn't mean she's not into you. There is a whole bunch of other reasons it could be also.


I mean, she is not into you IN THAT MOMENT.

Doesn't mean she's checked out, though she could be if its a constant problem.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Well I'll stipulate that not all women are the same when it comes to natural lubrication, hence the market for lube for women who most definitely are into you and most definitely are ready... but not lubricated enough. I realize you women know this but it seems some guys don't.

In your case @katiecrna I now get what you're saying but my initial assumption wasn't that you are a "change the sheets" type . That makes a big difference in the discussion. My W usually has to pull me in because she knows when she wants that and I can't tell so I ask or she tells.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> I don't think health has anything to do with lube. Just because I am menopausal does not mean I am unhealthy. Just saying..............
> 
> 
> .



Haha I feel the need to defend myself 

I said "I am a young healthy women who doesn't need it." 
Ok I said young to show I am not menopausal. (Not to say your old or anything.) but menopause usually causes dryness. 
I said healthy to say that there is no other reason to cause dryness. 
I did not mean to say dryness = unhealthy. Or menopause = unhealthy. I meant to show dryness = menopause, health problem, insufficient lack or arousal. And since I'm young and healthy there is no other cause is my dryness. 

Which I guess I can add medication to that list lol


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Haha I feel the need to defend myself


My 68 year old wife, has a much different opinion of lube and its important in a marriage. It is good to see that you understand that use of lube is not really rape.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> My 68 year old wife, has a much different opinion of lube and its important in a marriage. It is good to see that you understand that use of lube is not really rape.




I doubt our opinions are different. I think our situation is different. 
Like I said, I love lube and it's great for when you need it. I need lube in the shower, it's great. Your wife probably needs it for her dryness, that's great. When I'm menopausal I will need it too. But if one doesn't need it for dryness, but it's used to bypass any efforts to make their wife wet... that's no bueno. Which is why I was saying it makes me feel like a hole not a person.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I doubt our opinions are different. I think our situation is different.
> Like I said, I love lube and it's great for when you need it. I need lube in the shower, it's great. Your wife probably needs it for her dryness, that's great. When I'm menopausal I will need it too. But if one doesn't need it for dryness, but it's used to bypass any efforts to make their wife wet... that's no bueno. Which is why I was saying it makes me feel like a hole not a person.


There is another side to the desire to use lube from the male perspective. If your husband was circumcised, then this increases the level of friction he will experience compared to if his genitalia would have been left as nature intended it to be. This increased friction (even with your natural lubrication) can sometimes be overstimulating and result in a numbing effect for him during sex. So when a circumcised male enjoys a little extra lube, it helps him from becoming numbed so that he can enjoy sex with you to the fullest. Try to appreciate that.

In the meantime you may wish to be the partner that has more control over when and how lubrication can be applied. Perhaps talk to your husband and ask if instead of him applying it to you, that you be the one to apply it to him. 

Badsanta


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I doubt our opinions are different. I think our situation is different.
> Like I said, I love lube and it's great for when you need it. I need lube in the shower, it's great. Your wife probably needs it for her dryness, that's great. When I'm menopausal I will need it too. But if one doesn't need it for dryness, but it's used to bypass any efforts to make their wife wet... that's no bueno. Which is why I was saying it makes me feel like a hole not a person.


Just think of it as are you aroused or not? 

Generally the signal is are you lubricated or not but not always. Arousal has other features other than the lubrication such as engorgement, vault enlargement and the cervix shifting position a bit. If all the later happens but no lubrication you'd be fine to add a little artificial lube, if not then you are not...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

anonmd said:


> Just think of it as are you aroused or not?
> 
> 
> 
> Generally the signal is are you lubricated or not but not always. Arousal has other features other than the lubrication such as engorgement, vault enlargement and the cervix shifting position a bit. If all the later happens but no lubrication you'd be fine to add a little artificial lube, if not then you are not...




Thanks I'll be sure to check how engorged I am and where my cervix is next time.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you know you are not ready then tell him not yet. If he trues to ignore your "not yet", end the session. Immediately. With prejudice. Inform him of the waiting period before he can initiate another session. If that "penalty time" exceeds how long he will be home, and thus means no sex until after his next 24 session at the hospital, that should educate him swiftly on the downside of ignoring "not yet". He is a doctor. He is capable of learning this.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @Talker67 y Women get all revved up with stuff like watching us husbands install new custom bathroom cabinetry, or us taking our wives shoe shopping and out for dinner and a few glasses of wine.


Well there is a special pleasure center in her brain that is directly stimulated by the feel of new high heel shoes. There is scientific research to verify this...:wink2:


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Me three


I love that I can't say me four. I ended my marriage and lack of sex was one of the main reasons.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> ...it was obvious...(That's stupid!!).


Serious topic, but just sayin' I enjoy your writing style.


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