# Scared to Death to start over.



## trytomakethemost:) (Jan 23, 2015)

The past year and a half have been the worst in our almost 10 year marriage. We moved out of state three years ago to a new state when it started falling apart. The move was for his job promotion and to be closer to family-- his mom. We moved at a time the economy was terrible and were unable to sell our home so we had to rent. The first year was a power struggle with his meddling mom, stress over selling the last house, job worries, and dealing with crazy landlords. Then we found out we were pregnant and rushed to buy a house and settle for something to have security.

Anyways, we were fighting a lot. Way more than we had ever before. When I fell pregnant he started saying mean things to make me feel insecure that he had never done before. He was telling me that "he had opportunities before". He was saying someone had a crush on him at work and it felt good. Then when I told him that bothered me, he stayed late --like 10, working with this person and two others. He seemed like he was goading me. We both quit smoking at this time and this was also making him hostile quite a bit...

When I was around 7 months there was a work function, in town, that the boss offered locals a free overnight stay. I trusted him to go so he could drink and hang out with all of the out of town co-workers. I know some people took their spouse, and some did not. I was pregnant, couldn't drink and didn't want his mother to babysit since she was causing problems. We talked around 8 o-clock. Never talked before bed, he texted me sometime in the morning. 

The following month he needed to go to a work trip in Tampa, and I asked him not to go because I was having a difficult pregnancy with problems. He seemed very upset, and that he was "missing out". He worked out with his lady boss that he could stay home and stay on her phone line to hear everything. He got up early and went to the basement the whole week, on phone and laptop. It was weird but I was in my own world getting ready for baby. Then Valentine's Day came and he was very upset that my appointment at the Hospital to check baby's vitals went long. The doctors even joked that the extra testing was making us hang out all day because he had asked how much longer. He was on his phone texting the whole time as I had monitors on me. When he realized he would miss the work meeting at the hotel because it was too late he was mad. I do know that there was a big group meeting for a project at the hotel-- so definitely true. It was a sad feeling of being ignored and neglected. 

When I had the baby it was rough, and we even fought in the hospital. I had asked him the morning after if he could call his mom to let the dog out. He refused saying "she is not stupid". I said I didn't say that, but insisted because I wanted him to find out. He called me a ***** for "questioning" his mom's intentions. Then when she came to hospital, she said she left our house and forgot to put him out or up! No apology. This is little sample of the type of fights he does to me. I was still on catheter, stuck to bed, and another really dark feeling of not being in a healthy relationship.

Fast forward to coming home from hospital. During the month he took off, he had to go meet his lady boss for some pot he told me. He invited me to go with the baby to a parking garage in the city to meet her. I didn't really want to go and he started a fight so I wouldn't care. Then when he realized, he asked if it would be weird to just take the newborn. I was like, "um. yeah". Honestly, I didn't even feel comfortable with him going. But I didn't really think they had anything going on (at the time). He called me when he got there how she wasn't showing up. Then she did. I don't remember how long he was gone or how he acted.. It was weird. Claimed her boyfriend's parents were in town, and she had a hair appointment by our house. He went back to work from paternity leave on our anniversary, short of four weeks. When he came home that day he told me his boss said we can't have any more kids -- she needed him there. Gross. 

Still I was clueless. It wasn't until he went on a work trip with her four months later I started to feel like something wasn't right. I think I knew for awhile but then I couldn't deny it. He acted funny while he was gone, including one day he had this weird extreme guilt that he was wishing himself home, saying it was tough trip. Then we fought. I knew I needed to look at the phone bills. I had off and on asked for access to the online records and he would dismiss it etc. I demanded it when he came home from trip because of a text he sent that said "yes i meant you" that didn't make any sense. 

I noticed he talked and texted his boss a lot, and even mentioned it but really didn't see excessive conversations between him and anyone while out of town. Two weeks later (d-day??) he replaced his phone, and for the first time in my life I looked through his text messages of his old phone. Needless to say I didn't find a "smoking gun" per se but not at all the relationship he portrayed with his boss. I saw some weird messages where he said he thought he was texting me and she said LOL WHOOPS. He was sending "cry tears" when she said she wouldn't be at work. And basically checking in with each other constantly if they were on the way to work, in the car, ready for a smoke break, grab a lunch, etc. Just a lot. Then this one where it reads like he misses her but weirdly coded??. I immediately confront him. He says you are mad over some texting??? When I ask him point blank if he loves her, he doesn't answer. He looked at me like he felt sorry for me. He wants to leave to work. I was in shock and our relationship has never been the same. 

Now, it is a year and half later. He has continually denied ever having an affair. Has no explanation for the craziness. During the first month he would say guilty commentary at times to swearing there is nothing. Like "trust me, no one cheats to be mean it's selfish". He let me look through his work computer and offered passwords to his email. I found some really shady meetings she had set up with him and some weird emails. They were having inside jokes about "trout salad" that ended in her inviting him over to her house to work from there. He declined but said it was an enticing offer. He did tell me she invited him over back then but never in context. There were some innuendo meetings that I can't see any proof of him working during the hours they occurred.

Today, he told me he won't answer any more questions about any of it. He basically told me I can choose to believe him or my delusions. He told me need to "let go". I still don't trust him, he still works desks down from her and she still texts and calls time to time. 

I feel really scared that I am suddenly being uprooted and forced to start over if I don't accept his "I have done nothing wrong". I wake up in the middle of the night from a deep sleep stressed over all of this a couple days ago. I do love him, but I can't make him understand that I cannot accept his behavior as "it;s nothing", acceptable, etc. He still works with this person and I feel completely sick about it. He told me he will never quit his job, or leave his current position. (She not his boss anymore, but still around all the time).

I'm really scared, it's basically make it or break it time for us I don't think they have anything going on now or what it really was?? I just feel sick about it all. I feel stuck and paralyzed, I have two kids and not many friends. The friends I have are family friends and I cannot confide in them.

Sorry so long..Can anyone offer any advice? I am feeling very bullied at the moment, when all I have every done is point out what "doesn't add up" or what I don't think is appropriate.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

File for divorce. That's the only clear message you can send him as far as where you stand and what awaits him if he continues to be the d1ck that he is. He either wakes up or he doesn't. You can't go on torturing yourself like this. File for divorce.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

His boss told you guys you can't have any more kids?!

That is all sorts of wrong!


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## trytomakethemost:) (Jan 23, 2015)

synthetic said:


> File for divorce. That's the only clear message you can send him as far as where you stand and what awaits him if he continues to be the d1ck that he is. He either wakes up or he doesn't. You can't go on torturing yourself like this. File for divorce.


Thank You. I feel in my heart it is what needs to happen. Trying to save a family but get the respect you know you deserve is really hard. 

I am so lost trying to figure out getting pieces together for a plan. I haven't worked much in the last ten years but do have potential. It's super scary but I think the lack of faith of myself is what has led me here.


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## trytomakethemost:) (Jan 23, 2015)

I thought things were getting better for awhile. It seems like my subconscious just can't accept it though. I am optimistic and hopeful by nature, and once I become loyal to someone it's very hard for me not to keep trying. 

I know everyone's marriage can get messy after a long time but then something inside of me keeps nagging at me that I will get hurt more if I stay.

If anyone else has any insight I would appreciate it.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

You will get hurt more. He acts like he has no regards for your feelings. When it comes to a man destroying a woman mentally then it's time to leave before u become the shell of the person u will before. It can take years for a woman to build herself back up mentally. I've been there before in a past relationship and I'm still scarred. I'm waiting for the day I'm back to ME. my husband is helping me a lot but I waited to long to go before. The kids will do better with a happier mummy. It's hard to find the strength but once u do and your in a much happier place, you'll never understand why you lived like that and didn't move on sooner.


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