# Lost, Confused, Hurt



## TheLoveInside748 (Apr 21, 2010)

Im new at this. Just joined but i need outside perspective without the tension from family, friends. My husband and i have been together for 10 years. i just found out 2 months ago he starting 'seeing' his high school fling and it progressed from there to infidelity. He told me 2 months ago that he was leaving me to find out if anything was worth it between him and her. (he had thought there was something betwen them back then but never pursued) Of course i didnt know anything about it. Weve had our blow outs and my emotional state is still torn. He came back home saying what he thought they had wasnt and that he didnt want to risk it being just infatuation and losing his family. So we started to see a counselor. She helps somewhat but its been six sessions and still all about the other woman. So naturally i think about that all day everyday and dont know how to move forward. I have so many questions i want answered but all he does is get angry with me. I dont want to feel like this anymore. He says he wants us to move on with our life together and even suggested we renew our wedding vows. But i just dont know how to push my hurt aside. He says he still has feelings for her but not the ones he thought he had. He has cut off contact with her for now. (he wants to maintain a friendship with her, eventually) Anyone have suggestions???


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

TheLoveInside748 said:


> Im new at this. Just joined but i need outside perspective without the tension from family, friends. My husband and i have been together for 10 years. i just found out 2 months ago he starting 'seeing' his high school fling and it progressed from there to infidelity. He told me 2 months ago that he was leaving me to find out if anything was worth it between him and her. (he had thought there was something betwen them back then but never pursued) Of course i didnt know anything about it. Weve had our blow outs and my emotional state is still torn. He came back home saying what he thought they had wasnt and that he didnt want to risk it being just infatuation and losing his family. So we started to see a counselor. She helps somewhat but its been six sessions and still all about the other woman. So naturally i think about that all day everyday and dont know how to move forward. I have so many questions i want answered but all he does is get angry with me. I dont want to feel like this anymore. He says he wants us to move on with our life together and even suggested we renew our wedding vows. But i just dont know how to push my hurt aside. He says he still has feelings for her but not the ones he thought he had. He has cut off contact with her for now. (he wants to maintain a friendship with her, eventually) Anyone have suggestions???



It sounds to me that you need to find a new counselor, or address the issues you want to tackle in counseling. 
Have you started individual counesling as well?

I don't have too much advice on this subject, but I am sure many will agree with me on this - he needs to cut off all contact with the OW permanantly! 
He forfeited any right to have a friendship with this woman when he left you. JMO.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You are going to be lost confused and hurt for a long time. It is the natural way of it. 

Read past posts here - its amazing how similar so many of our experiences are. And no one outside can understand. It like morning a death - and some ways it is. Its the death of what you thought you had or would have. 

But pieces come together - somehow over time. Never know what the outcome will be. 

In the meantime, don't cheat yourself out of these emotions. You need to go through them. To process and understand, and rebuild YOURSELF, and perhaps your marriage. But no decisions now. Just go with it. 

I'm sorry for your pain.

Check out this site: Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


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## Heart_Broken (Apr 20, 2010)

I also am new at this and I am young (late 20's), therefore my opinion is probably not what you were looking for when you posted this. . . but I feel your pain. 
I was in an abusive marriage when I was "too young" (immediately after graduating college). I don't like referring to the marriage as "abusive" due to the fact that I was never hospitalized or anything serious like that; there was a bit of physical abuse, but the majority was the emotional/verbal and too much infidelity. Needless to say, that marriage ended in divorce. 
Now, here I am, several years later in a relationship that I told myself I would never allow myself to be in (again). There is no "abuse" but there has been a history of lying & cheating. I won't go through the whole story as I posted the details of this catastrophe yesterday (Heart_Broken; "so confused"~ it's just a few posts down from yours if you want to read it). So again, my "advice" may sound a bit hypocritical. 
Regardless, I want to commend you on your decision to see a counselor. Maybe telling your counselor (privately) that this constant discussion is hurting your emotions more than helping? As far as your husband and his decision~ some people really do have to lose something to realize how much they need it; "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone". Maybe this was something that he really does regret, something he wishes he could take back. I think it's possible that this could be where his anger comes from. Maybe he isn't actually angry at you but at himself? I don't think it's a wise decision for him to have ANY type of relationship with this woman, friendship or not. Although I am sure this is something your counselor will eventually point-out to him, he needs to have no contact with her EVER again! I mean, honestly~ does a recovering alcoholic keep a bottle of Jack in the cabinet? Not if they are really trying to "recover". 
As far as the pain you're feeling, it will go away eventually. I know that probably seems impossible at this point, but you will heal. You have a family; you have children (I assume by your use of the word "family") who depend on you~ focus on them. Again, I know that our situations are very different & I am in no position to be advising anyone on anything, but I understand (to a certain extent) what you are feeling. I was devastated by my husband's actions/behavior. I was young, I thought that marriage was something sacred & that my 1st wedding would be my ONLY wedding. When it ended I was lost. I was an emotional wreck and I couldn't even begin to imagine how I could ever be happy again, or how I could ever trust anyone again. Now when I look back on it, it's as if it were all just a bad dream; as if none of it really happened to me~ almost like I am remembering a movie I watched. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". Most of the time we can't see how on earth anything good could ever come of the nightmare we are currently living, but it will lead you somewhere. Always remember, you don't deserve this. You do deserve better! Now, maybe if I read this out-loud to myself I can take my own "advice"?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> He says he wants us to move on with our life together and even suggested we renew our wedding vows. But i just dont know how to push my hurt aside. He says he still has feelings for her but not the ones he thought he had. He has cut off contact with her for now. (he wants to maintain a friendship with her, eventually) Anyone have suggestions???


Here are some starter articles to read:

How Do Affairs Start?

The Purpose of No Contact

More to do after you get through these. There is hope for your marriage!

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via FoxyTunes


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

He wants to renew your vows, and if you can't forgive him, he could easily go back to her initially to seek comfort. 

I know he was going to Divorce you if she was "right for him", and if he had not gone to her, his curiosity about her would have continued to impact on your marriage.

But he has found out that she was "not better than you" and he wants another chance. I think you want to give him that chance even though he was ready to chuck you out of his life so easily.

I hope that a Counselor can ease your pain, but it won't be an overnight quick fix. He has hurt you badly, and you need some form of compensation to fix things up between you. Not sure what that could be, but he owes you big time for the humiliation.


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