# Hi I am new - just got a bomb dropped on me and not sure where to turn



## ALOHAITSKATE

Aloha from Hawaii- I am new. My husband just dropped a huge bomb on me tonight. We've been married for 18 years. Not too long ago, he told me that he is not sure if he ever loved me and that he married me for my money and my income potential (we are both medical professionals but I have higher income. He does say that we are best friends and we've been basically living as roommates for the last 15 year or so and raising our 2 kids who are now teens. There's been no intimacy for over 6 years now and it tapered off abruptly after the kids were born. He is 10 years older then me and quite overweight so to be honest, I am not that bummed about that issue because it wasn't great anyways. Got toys way better lol. Tonight he told me he's considering a divorce after our kids graduate so he can find love but he still wants to be my "best friend". Uggh. He said he's "praying on it" and he's not sure.
We had a very bumpy start. Lots of financial issues and debt and he had a personal and professional bankruptcy. It was me that pulled us out of it. Now we are doing very well. Kids are totally thriving too. I wasn't sad until tonight. We lead very separate lives. Different friends, different hobbies and I've always been fine with it. He was 40 when we married so we've always been very independent. But this whole "being in limbo" thing sucks. We do have separate financials which was smart. I did that after his Bankruptcy. I don't "need" him financially at all. Until tonight I was fine with the status quo, but I don't like known that he's considering leaving and I'll never know if and when. It's not what I want to do. He does't want to go to counseling. I don't feel comfortable about talking to family and friends about this. I am just not sleeping and very anxious. 
Suggestions?


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## Laurentium

My suggestion is don't "wait for him to make his mind up". Don't be in limbo. 

A couple of sincere questions: (a) did _you_ really love _him_ at the start? and (b) is it possible he's suffering from depression?


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## In Absentia

If you don't want to be in limbo, divorce the man. I'm not sure what you are getting out of this relationship. In fact, I don't think you have one.


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## EI

I wouldn’t say another word about it to him. But, I would have him served with divorce papers ASAP. I think there is a very good chance that the sheer shock of no longer being in the driver’s seat, so to speak, might jolt him back into reality, forcing him to quickly decide whether or not this is what he truly wants. Knowing that he is no longer in charge of the if or when, will change the whole dynamic of this situation.

If this is truly what he wants, then why waste one more day of your life? Your children are thriving and nearly grown, you’re not financially dependent upon him in any way, and I assume, at this point, he’s not financially dependent on you. If this isn’t what he wants, and he’s simply trying to force some type of change out of you, or in your relationship, then this will compel him to act now, versus leaving you in limbo for an undetermined amount of time.

You can choose to take control of your life right now. The ball is in your court. Filing for divorce doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it. But, it will send a clear message to your husband that you are not just going to wait around, twiddling your thumbs, while he takes his time to make decisions about your future.


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## Blondilocks

ALOHAITSKATE said:


> He is 10 years older then me and quite overweight so to be honest,


Get the ball on the divorce rolling before he has health problems which will necessitate you providing financial support/caregiving. Your kids will be fine whether you divorce now or wait until they've graduated high school/college/get married/etc.

eta: No, you're not going to be best friends or any kind of friends. You will co-parent your kids.


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## Young at Heart

ALOHAITSKATE said:


> .....been married for 18 years.
> 
> ......he married me for my money and my income potential
> 
> ......basically living as roommates for the last 15 year or so and raising our 2 kids who are now teens. There's been no intimacy for over 6 years now and it tapered off abruptly after the kids were born.
> 
> .....he's considering a divorce after our kids graduate so he can find love but he still wants to be my "best friend". Uggh. He said he's "praying on it" and he's not sure.
> 
> .......We lead very separate lives. Different friends, different hobbies
> 
> ,,,,,,He was 40 when we married so we've always been very independent.
> 
> .....He does't want to go to counseling.....


Please read what you said in the above summary.

Look, the man is 58 or so (i.e. married at 40 and married for 18 years). He will soon be planning for his retirement. He knows that if he stays with you in retirement that sex with you is off the table. Since you have significantly different friends and interest, what will the two of you do when he retires? What does he have to look forward to when you retire?

Have the two of you ever seriously discussed your life together during retirement? What your bucket list items are that you put off while building professions and raising children?

As medical professionals you realize that the older you get the more frail you will each become and that disease can strike at anytime. He is 10 years older than you. Does he feel he wants to die in your arms? Would he be willing to nurse you through your last years? 

For him to feel it was worth going to counseling, might show a small chance that it would somehow change the relationship between the two of you. Have you indicated any desire to save the marriage that might make him feel you want to be closer to him or allow him to consider counseling would be worthwhile?

Seriously, from what you have posted, your marriage slipped away gradually over time. It appears from your post that the two of you don't have a marriage. 

He has now started to think about what he wants to do and how he wants to live his life after the teenagers leave home and in retirement. He has probably put his "dreams" on hold while your kids have grown and is now starting to wonder what the next 10, 15, 20 years of his life will look like. 

I do think marriage counseling might be worth a try but only if you value your marriage to him. Your comment about not objecting to the status quo didn't sound like much of a desire by you for the marriage or your comment on sex toys being better than your H. 

You might be putting on a brave front and talking yourself into not being afraid or hurt by your H wanting to divorce you. If so, then you need to be honest with yourself and your H.

You asked for suggestions. My suggestion is that you get some individual counseling to figure out if you value this marriage enough to change the way you and your husband treat each other. It would require compromise on both of your parts. If you do want to save the marriage then yes, marriage counseling is a good idea. 

When I was in a sex starved marriage, I fought to save my marriage. We went to a great sex therapist and a couple of marriage counselors. We changed the way we treated each other. We learned how to introduce both sensuality and sex into our lives. We further talked about our future and what we wanted to do in 10, 15, 20 years and what we wanted our marriage to look like. 

However, from what was posted you seem fine with allowing your marriage to drift away and having no real desire to change anything from the sexless roommate status quo. So if that is how you feel, then end the marriage. However, I think you really need to work on yourself so that you can handle a future relationship or plan on living a very lonely rest of your life.

Good luck.


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## BeyondRepair007

EI said:


> I wouldn’t say another word about it to him. But, I would have him served with divorce papers ASAP. I think there is a very good chance that the sheer shock of no longer being in the driver’s seat, so to speak, might jolt him back into reality, forcing him to quickly decide whether or not this is what he truly wants. Knowing that he is no longer in charge of the if or when, will change the whole dynamic of this situation.
> 
> If this is truly what he wants, then why waste one more day of your life? Your children are thriving and nearly grown, you’re not financially dependent upon him in any way, and I assume, at this point, he’s not financially dependent on you. If this isn’t what he wants, and he’s simply trying to force some type of change out of you, or in your relationship, then this will compel him to act now, versus leaving you in limbo for an undetermined amount of time.
> 
> You can choose to take control of your life right now. The ball is in your court. Filing for divorce doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it. But, it will send a clear message to your husband that you are not just going to wait around, twiddling your thumbs, while he takes his time to make decisions about your future.


I agree with the other voices Kate. From an emotional well being standpoint, you shouldn’t let this state of limbo remain as it is. Force some kind of resolution sooner rather than later. You owe it to your future self to work towards this.

This comment from El really resonates with me as being sound, solid advice and a reasonable way forward for you. It’s hard to say what’s going on in your husbands head, but as his wife you should have a reasonable level of confidence one way or the other.

The other thing I would mention, if you do end up remaining married, don’t settle for the old marriage. Get in counseling, get H to make changes also. What you described is not what a real marriage should look like. It’s more what “existing together under one roof” would look like. You both deserve happiness, especially moving into the later years when the pursuit of career begins to give way to the joys of life.

Best of luck OP.


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## She'sStillGotIt

ALOHAITSKATE said:


> _*Tonight he told me he's considering a divorce after our kids graduate so he can find love but he still wants to be my "best friend". *_


I don't get it.

Why is this even a QUESTION for you?

If I were you, I'd be telling my 'bestie' to find a new place to live and putting my divorce attorney on my speed-dial.

Look OP, you need to find your damned *dignity*. When someone tells you he's not sure he EVER loved you and that his intentions toward you were really always more financial than emotional, if you had an *ounce of self respect*, that information ALONE should make it crystal clear to you. And when you add on the fact that he hasn't come near you in *6 years* sexually AND he says he's hoping to find someone to fall in love with once he leaves you, why on earth would you disrespect yourself waiting around while he "prays" for an answer?

Stop disrespecting yourself with this idiot's nonsense about "praying" for an answer. Pack his damned stuff and boot his ass out the door. You seriously need to find your self respect.

Are your expectations in a spouse so low that you're willing to virtually accept ANY crumb this guy throws at your feet? 

Find your dignity.


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## Wolfman1968

ALOHAITSKATE said:


> Aloha from Hawaii- I am new. My husband just dropped a huge bomb on me tonight. We've been married for 18 years. Not too long ago, he told me that he is not sure if he ever loved me and that he married me for my money and my income potential (we are both medical professionals but I have higher income. He does say that we are best friends and we've been basically living as roommates for the last 15 year or so and raising our 2 kids who are now teens. There's been no intimacy for over 6 years now and it tapered off abruptly after the kids were born. He is 10 years older then me and quite overweight so to be honest, I am not that bummed about that issue because it wasn't great anyways. Got toys way better lol. Tonight he told me he's considering a divorce after our kids graduate so he can find love but he still wants to be my "best friend". Uggh. He said he's "praying on it" and he's not sure.
> We had a very bumpy start. Lots of financial issues and debt and he had a personal and professional bankruptcy. It was me that pulled us out of it. Now we are doing very well. Kids are totally thriving too. I wasn't sad until tonight. We lead very separate lives. Different friends, different hobbies and I've always been fine with it. He was 40 when we married so we've always been very independent. But this whole "being in limbo" thing sucks. We do have separate financials which was smart. I did that after his Bankruptcy. I don't "need" him financially at all. Until tonight I was fine with the status quo, but I don't like known that he's considering leaving and I'll never know if and when. It's not what I want to do. He does't want to go to counseling. I don't feel comfortable about talking to family and friends about this. I am just not sleeping and very anxious.
> Suggestions?


When he says he want to "find love", is he talking about with a woman, or do you think he may be gay?


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## Casual Observer

The two of you haven’t been honest with each other since when? Six years without sex and you just let that go? Why did you allow things to go so far wrong, if this isn’t the expected finale?

I don’t think there’s much reason for counseling; you both seem to feel the same way about each other.

I take it back about counseling. You don’t need marriage counseling but both of you should get individual counseling before getting into another relationship.


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## SunCMars

Why is this a surprise?

The hand writing has been on the wall so long, it has taken to fading!

This is no bomb, it is a dud.

No boom, just splat, it now lays before you.

Look at this as a new lease on life.

You can now ditch your sex toys and find a man in working order.

That is, if you chose.
Which, you can.

Hooray!




_Are Dee-_


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## Diana7

If he is genuinely praying for an answer I can help him. God wants him to stay. No need to pray, the answer is in the Bible already.
Unless there is adultery or abuse he needs to stay and work on the marriage.
Doesn't mean he will of course, but leaving you in limbo is cruel. It really doesn't matter to children if it happens when they are 16 or 18, it will still be awful for them.


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## ddashnaw

Laurentium said:


> My suggestion is don't "wait for him to make his mind up". Don't be in limbo.
> 
> A couple of sincere questions: (a) did _you_ really love _him_ at the start? and (b) is it possible he's suffering from depression?


as a couples therapist, I commend your questions! Male depression is an epidemic.


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## Marc878

ALOHAITSKATE said:


> Aloha from Hawaii- I am new. My husband just dropped a huge bomb on me tonight. We've been married for 18 years. Not too long ago, he told me that he is not sure if he ever loved me and that he married me for my money and my income potential (we are both medical professionals but I have higher income. He does say that we are best friends and we've been basically living as roommates for the last 15 year or so and raising our 2 kids who are now teens. There's been no intimacy for over 6 years now and it tapered off abruptly after the kids were born. He is 10 years older then me and quite overweight so to be honest, I am not that bummed about that issue because it wasn't great anyways. Got toys way better lol. Tonight he told me he's considering a divorce after our kids graduate so he can find love but he still wants to be my "best friend". Uggh. He said he's "praying on it" and he's not sure.
> We had a very bumpy start. Lots of financial issues and debt and he had a personal and professional bankruptcy. It was me that pulled us out of it. Now we are doing very well. Kids are totally thriving too. I wasn't sad until tonight. We lead very separate lives. Different friends, different hobbies and I've always been fine with it. He was 40 when we married so we've always been very independent. But this whole "being in limbo" thing sucks. We do have separate financials which was smart. I did that after his Bankruptcy. I don't "need" him financially at all. Until tonight I was fine with the status quo, but I don't like known that he's considering leaving and I'll never know if and when. It's not what I want to do. He does't want to go to counseling. I don't feel comfortable about talking to family and friends about this. I am just not sleeping and very anxious.
> Suggestions?


Go online and check your phone bill. It smells like he’s got a new girlfriend in the mix.
Get a great attorney and make the decision for him. 
The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself.


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## SunCMars

ddashnaw said:


> as a couples therapist, I commend your questions! Male depression is an epidemic.


Depression in general, all ages, both sexes is an epidemic.

Depression in generals, depression in privates and corporals.

Never, this state of being, in _Martians._

It must not be.
It will not be.
It is not permitted.



_Are Dee-_


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