# Desperately Seeking Advice



## aloneinthemarriage (Apr 20, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years and have two small children. 
My husband grew up in a traditional household where the man works and brings home the money and the woman takes care of the household and the children. I am very opposed to this way of life and when we got married we agreed to view our marriage as a partnership where we worked together to accomplish the day to day things and where both partners were equally important. 
Apparently its hard to break history. My husband does not do laundry, dishes, diapers, cleaning, bath time w the kids, yard work, fix our cars, or take care of the two dogs he has. He also now only showers once per week and never brushes his teeth. I am disgusted by him. Our house and yard look like crap because he starts projects and never finishes them. He says that he works so hard that he doesn't have enough energy to do those things when he gets home (he and I own our own business together). 
I am very open with my husband about my concerns. He was prescribed some anti-depressants a few months ago in hopes that they would increase his willingness to help me and take care of himself...they didn't work and he quit taking them regularly.
I am tired of 'nagging' him and acting like his mother! I've tried everything from positive reinforcement to taking things away from him that distract him (i.e. tv, computer, etc.) I did not get married to this man to replace his mother and I am much too young to be mothering a 26 year old! 
I've tried to talk to him about it and find out the reason as to why he feels that he works harder than me or is above doing those things. He has no excuses. He says that he loves me. The says that he loves our children. He says that he loves the dogs, the house, his clothes, and all the things that we have...but he doesn't get the connection between loving something and the work that comes with those things. I'm at my wits end and need some good advice!


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## LAMB1993 (Apr 15, 2010)

Wow. I hope someone post some good advice for you. Unfortunately I have none. He has to be going through some type of emotional or pyschological issues. In my opinion he has to realize and accept this before any actions could be taken. Good luck with this situation.


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## lilian (Apr 20, 2010)

I agree with LAMB1993, I wish I could provide you with a better insight on how to turn things around. But it does sound that he needs to grow up! maybe you should get his mom to 'nag' him about it - not the household cleaning (seing that she belives that women should take care of the household) but all the DIY stuff in the backyard. Get him at lest started on that. Maybe, u guys should put a price on household jobs, how much each cost to carry out. Then tally your earnings every wk. Show him in $$$ how much more you are worth (working wise) than him. And why he has no reason to complain about being tiered. 

Not sure if it will help - wich u the best.


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## andyinlosangels (Apr 20, 2010)

Not that I am doing well with my marriage either but my wife and I came to an agreement to hire people with some of the work. We live in California, so it only costs $60 a month for yard work and $200 a month for a lady to come to our place to clean our house every other week. Would you be able to do that?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is a serious threat to your marriage and you need to tell him that. You will try to get along the way it is if things don't change, but sooner or later, you'll give up, and then you'll begin to disconnect. Sex will decline (you'll be too resentful and you'll agree occasionally, but you won't desire him, and your willingness to comply will dwindle, too) He'll think the problems are "solved" b/c you quit nagging him, but he'll wish there was more sex. Then, somewhere down the road, you'll realize you want something more, and you will leave him, and he'll be stunned. Read up on the "Walk Away Wife" syndrome, and you'll see yourselves in there. 

He has to grow up and accept 50% of the responsibility for the evening shift. You both work all day--one way or another. If he accepts that, then things might improve. If he doesn't, then you'll need to figure out ways to part without destroying each other. It'll be extremely difficult, though, b/c he's still a child and he will NOT want to be left. 

When a wife feels like her h's mother, it's a bad sign. Take it seriously and confront it now. Good luck.


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## aloneinthemarriage (Apr 20, 2010)

Wow sisters359...you hit the nail on the head!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

I would refuse to sleep in the same room with him. Tell him until he can see the need to bathe and brush his teeth daily, that the couch will be your nightly abode. He is a grown man and should not have to be told to bathe and brush his teeth. It may be a sign of something mentally being wrong with him.


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