# Should I accept, and move on? The Whole Break Down in texts, all of it.



## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Here is our interactions: 

She wanted me to move out on the 7th of Feb. The text starts the 4th of Feb, and progress to the 6th of March.



> *Feb 4th*
> 
> After I missed her call by 15 mins.
> 
> ...


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

> *Feb 21st*
> 
> Me: NRG's Wife, I just checked your acct it showed it was inactive? Did you do this? I turned it on again, and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing for you. Since you aren't really talking straight to me, it is making it very difficult. I swore I had it active for you on the 17th. Talk to me about what you are doing I just want to be doing the right thing for you. NRG's Wife, I just figured out what was going on. BHN screwed up. I just got off the phone with them. They said the services were transferred instead of starting New rr service here. I talked with them, and they said you will be getting new service there. So, for now, I have your email enabled so you can get your email. They told me once you have new service the old account will die. This is fine by me. They did Say that you will get to keep your email. Which I think is great. However, mine will be linked to it as well. I don't care if you keep it, just leave it as Is. I had no idea they were going to transfer the whole account over. I told them specifically to start new service here, and they did a transfer. I am so sorry. I had no idea what was going on. Had I known you had no service @ the house, I would have gotten it straightened out for you. Again, I did not do it on purpose, I really had no idea.
> 
> ...


Should i walk? I am feeling that i should. I am just having a tough time, with it all, as I love her very much. It seems i get close to having her open up, but then I make some boneheaded move that scares her off. Like the 24th. To me, it seems as if the text on the 6th sealed the deal pretty much.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow, Ok I made it though the whole thing.

No, you aren't close to have her opening up or reconnecting. She might be open to talk to you again in 4 months to a year. You need to give her space and not contact her. You can maybe send her something and say you want to talk in 2 months. Don't talk to her about anything else but emergencies or if absolutely needed in the mean time.

If you want her back, get in IC and you might have a chance in 6 months.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> Wow, Ok I made it though the whole thing.


Rather long huh? It is kind of a burden sometimes to have the records of it all, but it made it possible to put it here.



anx said:


> No, you aren't close to have her opening up or reconnecting.


I know that now. It is pretty far gone. I was thinking on the 16th, 24th. I was.



anx said:


> She might be open to talk to you again in 4 months to a year. You need to give her space and not contact her.


I will do this



anx said:


> You can maybe send her something and say you want to talk in 2 months. Don't talk to her about anything else but emergencies or if absolutely needed in the mean time.


I am not too sure. I was kind of thinking just send her occasional texts that I was thinking of her. But I am not too sure what kind of message this would convey.



anx said:


> If you want her back, get in IC and you might have a chance in 6 months.


What is 'IC'?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm sorry but I can't take a breakup of a marriage via SMS seriously. I guess I'm out of the loop. Talk, don't talk, but text?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I was kind of thinking just send her occasional texts that I was thinking of her. But I am not too sure what kind of message this would convey.


 I would not occasionally text. I think she will look at her phone and remember how much she can't stand you ever time she shes your number.

I really suggest sending a txt or e-mail that says I won't contact you outside of emergencies or needs for x time, so she doesn't think its some sort of a mental game. A ton of people are confused in situations like this. 

IC = individual counseling. You need to show her then that you are serious about change, have changed, and still want a life with her.

runs like a dog, My wife and I txted when we were separated. Its a very low stress way to communicate compared to face to face.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Whoah, that was long. I can totally identify with you though. You are the one that wants it to work, she's the one that feels smothered and needs space. You are the classic nice guy. Yes you made mistakes, but you are willing to change. But she's afraid to take that chance and take your apologies seriously. 

My advice for you...LEAVE HER ALONE. Don't contact her unless it's absolutely necessary. Not trying to be mean, but you look pathetic. You are there at every whim convincing and pleading and begging. It's time to turn the other way and be strong for you. Learn how to live and how to be you again. Chances are, and it seems like it from her responses, she cares about you but doesn't buy your changes. She can't trust that you are changing. She thinks it's a game or an act. 

And on a side note, based on clues in your texts, you live near me. So howdy neighbor.  Keep YOUR chin up, and try to get on with your life. Because no matter what, you will have you, and you need to be someone you can live with. You might find that you don't need her. Or she might realize that the new confident guy is the one she fell in love with years ago. 

And I get the texting. My H only opens up that way. It's weird, but it works. Kind of. We still have fights that way. Right now we're in the process of separating and he only wants to talk online or via texting. Weird. I wish you luck. But seriously, it's time for YOU.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm sorry but I can't take a breakup of a marriage via SMS seriously. I guess I'm out of the loop. Talk, don't talk, but text?


This is what pissed me off the most. I should have put my foot down on Tuesday the 8th, and stopped that crap right there.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> I would not occasionally text. I think she will look at her phone and remember how much she can't stand you ever time she shes your number.


Probably right. :lol:



anx said:


> I really suggest sending a txt or e-mail that says I won't contact you outside of emergencies or needs for x time, so she doesn't think its some sort of a mental game. A ton of people are confused in situations like this.


I think you are right, my therapist suggested this back on the 2nd, but did I listen, noooo. I am such a retard. Probably could have avoided the 6th text. After this text, she went out and bought furniture for the house.



anx said:


> IC = individual counseling. You need to show her then that you are serious about change, have changed, and still want a life with her.


Thanks, good to know. We go to court for the divorce on the 14th. What should I be looking at in IC, via my texts and behavior.



anx said:


> runs like a dog, My wife and I txted when we were separated. Its a very low stress way to communicate compared to face to face.


I hate it, as so much gets misconstrued.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Whoah, that was long. I can totally identify with you though. You are the one that wants it to work, she's the one that feels smothered and needs space. You are the classic nice guy. Yes you made mistakes, but you are willing to change. But she's afraid to take that chance and take your apologies seriously.


 Hell yeah that is long, that is one month worth of texts, in a good month when we were together, it would have been twice as long. I could bust out Decembers texts when we were getting closer. :rofl: Yesm I am the one that wants it work, but I made some serious mistakes. I am sure she does feel smothered, I am afraid she let the cat out the bag about how I was to parents and such. I will start giving her space, but it is so damn hard. I am sure she is a little apprehensive, not to mention pissed off at me. The most concerning to me the text where she said she could not talk, and I just went right over that line. I am willing to change, in fact I have to regardless. 



LonelyNLost said:


> My advice for you...LEAVE HER ALONE. Don't contact her unless it's absolutely necessary. Not trying to be mean, but you look pathetic. You are there at every whim convincing and pleading and begging. It's time to turn the other way and be strong for you. Learn how to live and how to be you again. Chances are, and it seems like it from her responses, she cares about you but doesn't buy your changes. She can't trust that you are changing. She thinks it's a game or an act.


I will leave her alone. Don;t think you are being mean. I think you are just offering some advice. I know. I am learning to be alone, it sucks though. Though something I will try to do. Probably does think it is a trick.



LonelyNLost said:


> And on a side note, based on clues in your texts, you live near me. So howdy neighbor.  Keep YOUR chin up, and try to get on with your life. Because no matter what, you will have you, and you need to be someone you can live with. You might find that you don't need her. Or she might realize that the new confident guy is the one she fell in love with years ago.


 Yeah, I am not in Pinellas, but close to. Tip of the hat to you neighbor. Oh, I definitely don;t need her persay, I want her. We have been together for 10 years, and we just click, when we are together.



LonelyNLost said:


> And I get the texting. My H only opens up that way. It's weird, but it works. Kind of. We still have fights that way. Right now we're in the process of separating and he only wants to talk online or via texting. Weird. I wish you luck. But seriously, it's time for YOU.


Thanks. I know, I can convey my feeling via email much more sharply, than say Phone or voice, sms is just too damn restrictive.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Bro, I'm sorry your getting it now and it might be too late. Your counselor will know better than I/we do. Just be open and honest with you counselor.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> Bro, I'm sorry your getting it now and it might be too late. Your counselor will know better than I/we do. Just be open and honest with you counselor.


Yeah, the furniture thing kind of bothers me. What is your read on the Mar. 6th text?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think she is going to go through with the D. Some people need to fully disconnect before reconnecting. I remember reading a few stories of going through D while reconnecting to get married again several months later.

She isn't going to change her mind at this point. She needs to complete the D i think and then go from there. You both need time to fix yourselfs i think is what she was saying.

Also, I didn't say this ealier, but taking xanex while drinking is a REALLY bad idea.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> I think she is going to go through with the D. Some people need to fully disconnect before reconnecting. I remember reading a few stories of going through D while reconnecting to get married again several months later.


Yeah, there is no doubt about the D. She started the ball rolling on the 7th of Feb. It was held in a pattern because of this one piece of paper, once it was filed the things started moving. Yeah, we will see how things go. She is very cryptic in her communication style as far as I can tell, if we are going to reconnect, then she will have to learn how to tell me what the eff is bothering her, so we can address the issues.



anx said:


> She isn't going to change her mind at this point. She needs to complete the D i think and then go from there. You both need time to fix yourselfs i think is what she was saying.


No, that d is coming, funny thing is, she was wearing her wedding ring again around Jan 23rd or so. That may have been possible, but it makes no sense to me, RE: Fix yourselves.



anx said:


> Also, I didn't say this ealier, but taking xanex while drinking is a REALLY bad idea.


Tell me about it, she was the one giving it to me. She does it nightly! That is why I had to mention again about how me staying out late was discussed over x-mas break. It had to be brought up again, and again, and again, and again, and she used it as a weapon in arguments. I can't tell you how many times I apologized for that crap.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Doing a little thinking here.

She wanted to a therapy appt on the Feb 12th, I thought it was little more urgent, so I suggested the 3rd. She thought that was ok. In hindsight, I should have gone with the 12th. It appeared to me, she wanted to address the issues of staying out late earlier in the marriage. I had discussed it with her many times. She just was never able to get over it. In the therapy office, she brought it up in such a fashion as "Well, he lost his job, but that is not important, The Way he handled his Nephew is not important, and she had one other gripe which she said was not important." Then the therapist said, "I hear those things, so what is important?" Silence ... Maybe she was waiting for me to say the staying out late was important? Or maybe those things are really important? Or is there something else that is bothering her? WTF. Problem was, as I said, she expects you effin guess at the issue. I think me staying out late is what drove the divorce in the first place back in oct. with other issues thrown in there, though I have no clue.


For further more proof of how frustrating her communication style is, look at the 16th and the tax bill interaction! Then she brings it up on the 23rd again! Could have solved that issue a whole week earlier, had she just been upfront!


Please feel for me on this communication style of hers. :scratchhead:


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

NRG said:


> Hell yeah that is long, that is one month worth of texts, in a good month when we were together, it would have been twice as long. I could bust out Decembers texts when we were getting closer. :rofl: Yesm I am the one that wants it work, but I made some serious mistakes. I am sure she does feel smothered, I am afraid she let the cat out the bag about how I was to parents and such. I will start giving her space, but it is so damn hard. I am sure she is a little apprehensive, not to mention pissed off at me. The most concerning to me the text where she said she could not talk, and I just went right over that line. I am willing to change, in fact I have to regardless.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm in East Pasco. I'll send thoughts your way. I'm the one that wants it to work in my relationship, and I'm trying not to be pathetic. We have communication issues, mostly because he's such a conflict avoider and I'm learning not to be. I've apparently been doing things for years that have torn him down. Add in his EA 4 years ago, and we've got one guilty person with some toxic shame. Hard to get him out of this depression caused by the current sad state of our marriage. Been married 10 years, together 14. We are just good together, but all the years of no fighting and everything being perfect has caught up with us. I just want him to say that he'll try. Right now I just hear that he wants us to be okay but he doesn't know how and he's in a messed up place. Ugh. Frustrating. I'm reading several books about how to turn it around by yourself. I'll pass along any info I learn.  

For now, read the 180. It's for YOU. And the effects trickle down. I'm struggling with implementing this, but I'm trying. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html Good luck!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> so what is important?" Silence ...


 I think she didn't know. She didn't know WHY she felt so ****ty about the marriage or now to fix it. This happened in my MC a few times. Its hard to know what you are feeling and why when you are bogged down in hurt. A lot of the time you are hurt so something small and stupid just adds to it, but isn't a tangible issue. It just adds to the **** pile.

TBH, both of you have pretty ****ty communication. You have good parts to it and really bad parts. It took me a while to figure out the little things to fix.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> I think she didn't know. She didn't know WHY she felt so ****ty about the marriage or now to fix it. This happened in my MC a few times. Its hard to know what you are feeling and why when you are bogged down in hurt. A lot of the time you are hurt so something small and stupid just adds to it, but isn't a tangible issue. It just adds to the **** pile.


I am betting she knew. Read the rest of my post on her communication style. Though, you could be right, the hurt is effing it up.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> TBH, both of you have pretty ****ty communication. You have good parts to it and really bad parts.


TBH? Mind elaborating on our communication styles, for my own purposes?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Prayers coming your way NRG from Hillsborough!! 

So what do you really want out of all of this?

And does she explicitly know what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

No, I don't think she knows, though, I would hope she knows. I did say on the 16th exactly what I wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

tbh = to be honest. 

Part of this may be that you really don't like txting, but I think there is another part to this as well. 

In this last set of texts, you both sounded a lot better than your previous posts. You both talked about your emotions and were pretty open. 

You sent her and e-mail and then 


> Me: Forget the email, that is not giving you your space.
> Her: Ok
> Me: Just forget it, as it is not giving you your space.
> Me: Forget the email
> ...


 It sounds like at this point you are desperate. You probaby are. You push her pretty hard in situations like this. I did this too, and it really doesn't turn out well. My wife would just shut down and run.

I txt a ton and I was REALLY confused when you discussed who was manipulated.


> [Later in the night, I send her this]Me: Are you done with manipulation?
> Her: I don't understand NRG, what u mean, am I done w/ manipulation. Can't believe u , feel that way of me. Of any of this.


This was a REALLY bad start to a conversation. It instantly sets her off. It sounds like you were anxious about your situation and started a fight off the bat. Basically everything that happened after that point that day was terrible. Everything before that was fine. What did you want from sending that? I don't really see her doing anything but getting mad from that statement. It was so out of the blue and seemed like you wanted a rise/fight/her to txt you back. 

I don't remember what it was about your wifes conversation. In your last post that you edited, she seemed SUPER agitated. She was flipping out and you continued to txt back and forth instead of leaving it be until you were both in a better spot to actually talk instead of just rage at eachother. This set of txts you sent are better, but the last set were messed up. You just kept fighting over several days.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

To power I guess I could be more drect and say, call off the divorce, move back in together, and make this work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Here is a recent email I just received.



> I do not believe that we need to talk. This has all been too much for me and I must ask you again to stop contacting me, it is not helpful for either of us. I did not drop off any items at your doorstep, that was my mom. We do not need to discuss the tax return as Tonya can sort that out for us. As far as you accessing my new email from court records rrather than directly asking me, yes that certainly felt violating. i don't know what items of mine that you have nor why you would have them. i don't want the chairs at this point.
> 
> Original email:
> Thanks for having the items dropped off at my
> ...


Should I just leave this?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Again, you might have a small chance in several months after you both fix yourselfs. You can e-mail her back saying you won't contact her for x time, but I wouldn't say anything else.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> Again, you might have a small chance in several months after you both fix yourselfs. You can e-mail her back saying you won't contact her for x time, but I wouldn't say anything else.


I was thinking, I should just leave it, as she said she did not want any contact. She just makes it so difficult as she expects me to ask her questions directly, but she does not ask any of her own. She is not expressing any needs or wants through this process, but she gets upset at me for this. I am just frustrated. Prime example, she was upset that I did not show for the court date, yet she is the one who got the notice, and could have easily told me. Yet, she expected me to just know that the court was then.

I am doing a little reflecting here, and I am thinking of what really transpired. It appears she was indeed running a game on me. She wanted me to fight for her. But it was so difficult with where I was. If you refer to the texts over the weekend of the 4th-6th, you can she testing me in a sense. She was hurt by the things I had done the days previous, and breaking off the relationship as I did not show any remorse for those things, but I was in a fog of hurt myself. When I did not fight for her, she took it as me being not interested, I would think.

That email that I just got back, hurts. I am typing out an email that I will not send, but will post here. I am so effing hurt, I just feel like crying.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Another point, you can see where she assumes that I thought she dropped the items off on my doorstep, when I said "thank you *for having* the items dropped off".


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> I don't remember what it was about your wifes conversation. In your last post that you edited, she seemed SUPER agitated. She was flipping out and you continued to txt back and forth instead of leaving it be until you were both in a better spot to actually talk instead of just rage at eachother. This set of txts you sent are better, but the last set were messed up. You just kept fighting over several days.


I am having a tough time digesting what you are saying here, as I don;t see any examples, and I am not too sure where to look.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Just curious. What exactly happened with your marriage? How long were you married, when did it get bad, why? If you feel comfortable, it might help us feel out what it is that she can't get past. Like you say she wanted you to fight for her but you weren't in a place to do that. What happened? You also said things got good in December, then what caused that to change? When and why did you decide to separate on the way to divorce? Again, you don't have to answer, just trying to gauge what's going on here.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

I am so tempted to send something like this.



> I know you said to not contact you anymore. But I cannot, and will not let this slip from us. I want to make things work between us, I will give it my all. Anything I need to do, I will. I feel this is my last shot to do something about it, and I am scared to death of losing you! I want to make our marriage work my love. I love you too much, and I will not let this moment slip without a fight! We only have till the 14th to do something.


Lost, I working on the story for you right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DO NOT write the above back to her.
She has asked you repeatedly to not text/contact her and yet you are still doing it.
Respect her wishes.
Everytime you tell her how much you want it to work and reach out to her, it's turning her off. It's pushing her away from you. You are coming across as desperate, sadly. From now only, be cordial on her but you need to do your own thing and soon. She cannot miss you if you won't go away.
Are you sure she isn't having an affair? What went down with you guys? 
Conclusion: Never chase someone who is running away from you.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

NRG, 

From what I remember, what you had in this post before you edited it was waht I was thinking about. The starting post also had a conversation between you that was really just a 3 day long fight that didn't go anywhere
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/22528-what-should-i-do.html#post268733

NRG, I would not send that.

You cannot stop the D at this point. Any fight you put into it will only hurt her more. You need to e-mail her back agreeing to the non-contact, but ask for contact/dinner in 2 or 3 months time. Say you will change and hope to show her the new man you are then.

Your chance at reconnecting is AFTER you both heal and she gets peace of mind from the D. At this point her entire family is telling her over and over to never contact you again.

She has asked you for no contact, and pushing her is what made issues for you. Pushing and fighting for your marriage right now is not going to do anything positive.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Just curious. What exactly happened with your marriage? How long were you married, when did it get bad, why? If you feel comfortable, it might help us feel out what it is that she can't get past. Like you say she wanted you to fight for her but you weren't in a place to do that. What happened? You also said things got good in December, then what caused that to change? When and why did you decide to separate on the way to divorce? Again, you don't have to answer, just trying to gauge what's going on here.


There was quite a few things that caused issues. 

We were together for ten years. Been married since 2005. Very much in love for all those years. We met in 2001, i lived in Tampa, and she had just moved from Branson into Tampa. I met her through a mutual friend of ours. We had an instant attraction to each other. We met at a bar in Tampa with our mutual friend. I took both of them back to my condo. My soon to be wife, now soon to be ex-wife instanly hit it off. I had offered for her to meet some of my friends, since she was new to the area. We had sex that night, and she disappeared, no number no nothing. I had to ask our mutual friend to get her number. Unbenounced to me, the mutual friend of our's had a crush on me. But she gave her the number anyways, in fact, I was told she slammed it down on the desk of my wife. My wife did call, and we started talking. I invited her out to an island party for the 4th of July. This is where our relationship started to flourish. In fact so much so, it became our anniversary. We progressed well. We were living together in no time flat.

In 2003, She was talking about getting married about 2 years into it, I told i would rather wait as I like to get to know my woman fully, I told her I would like 5 years to do it. Then we took a trip to OR and had a wonderful time. We were deeply in love. On our way back from OR, we stopped in Las Vegas for a layover, and I asked her if she wanted to stay the night, She agreed. We went and stayed at Bally's. I think back, I am sure she thought i was going to ask her to marry me. Just a few weeks later, she met another person, as she felt I was not interested in her. I was going through my own issues, as my brother had passed away, my mother had passed away, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer. She left me for 2 weeks, I was a mess, she would not take my phone calls, told me it was over, etc. Then, she just showed up on my doorstep. I did not know she had left for another, but i had my suspicions. I was devastated. When she returned, it was bliss as it always was with us.

Then on our anniversary in 2004, I asked her get married. We went to St. Barts, I got a bungalow and proposed t when we were naked in the hot tub. I was going to wait till the 4th, but I was so anxious, I just could not wait. Again, a full year went by, and we were as happy as could be, but I was dealing with the death of my dad, and the legal morass he had left us with his company.

In 2005, we wed in Islamaroda, and we did well. However, she had issues with me staying out till 4-5 in the morning. Problem was, she was always studying, and I was bored at the house by myself. So I would go out and meet up with my buddies. We lived on the beach, so we were an hour drive from the bars and stuff of Tampa. The bars did not close till 3, so by the time i got home, it would 4 or so. She would turn her phone off, and there was no way to get in touch with her. I would leave her messages, but she would never check them, and just unload on me in the morning about how hurt she was. I kind of blew it off, as in my personal view of myself, I did not do anything, nor would I have. I never cheated on her, but she had been cheated on before, so she was hyper vigilant. I suppose her mind was left to race, and I did not do anything to help quell that fear of her's. In fact, I had been out one evening when her parent's were in town and staying at our house. I was out till 5:30a. I was so ashamed of how I acted. These were the basis of her distrust for me, and the "foundation" of our marriage.

We got along great for many years. Then in 2007, the company went under. I had to start a new company from scratch, providing a wholly different service. It took a little while to get it going, but it was. I was able to carry on for 2 years, then the crisis hit in 2008.

2008, her parents bought us a house. This decision, I was not totally comfortable with, as it would put her parents in a commanding and demanding position over us. But, we agreed to let that happen. We moved into the house in Aug of 2008. Her parents kept only her name and her moms on it.

In 2009, we kind of plotted along. Then near the end of 2009, I switched to opening another business. This one was little more capital intensive, and required me to squirrel cash. I was not able to m a payment to her parents at the end of of 2009 Dec.

2010, I was still in the midst of running the business. I was not able to make any payments to her parents till Nov, when I was able to give her $2000. This took a huge toll on our relationship, as her mother was constantly on her back. This is what I had feared in 2008, when we bought the house. Then to top things of, my wife had an EA with her therapist. He said alot of nasty things about me to her, and she had always confided in him about our issues. This went on till Sept. In September, I lost my wedding ring, and a little later, I stayed at my friend's house till 4a because I had too much to drink, and could not drive. I did not call her, because I passed out. I got home around 430a. I was smoking cigars, and this kept her from kissing me. She had told me in August, "Why are you not worried about what i am doing" I old her because i trust you. Then later she said she needed more intimacy, french kisses, etc.. I told her spend sometime with me and those things will come. The problem I had, was she spent all her time on her doctorate, which left little to no time for her and I. I did not have a problem with this, as I knew it was important to her. I knew once she got out, we could re-bond. 

Then she told me she wanted a divorce on Oct 27th, I was devastated. Then I went to an football game for the weekend. Over the weekend of nov 14th, her buddy and her went snooping through my stuff, and found a tax bill from my dad's old company for 56k. I got one nasty text about how we were over, and how I was hiding so much debt. she wanted me to move out within 15 days. I tried explaining to her, that this had nothing to do with us, and there is no way it could be brought to us. 

Then on November 27th, she said she had gone to the lawyer and gotten the papers. she did this without telling me. Again, i was hurt. I still kept up my changes, and continued to work on the marriage, if only myself was the one working on it. I caught her emailing her supervisor at work. She was one night drunk, and I followed into her office at the house. She was typing out an email that said something to the effect of "I am so glad you have fully present for me during this whole process, etc.." I saw who she was addressing it to, and said why are you sending that to him. She said she was not sending it to her supervisor, but her mom, as they both start with the letter J. Though, this was a total lie, as the way the email read, it was to new acquaintance that she may not see again after everything. He would offer support to her through the divorce process. She was staying late to do "notes". She was going into work early. etc. She was emailing an older dude and I confronted her about it, and she said it was just someone who she was emailing because he had connections within her workplace(he had retired), and that he had fallen in love with her. She then said she had backed him off. I was pissed at this point, and i should have just left the house at this point, but because i loved her, I did not and I guess I lost some of my self respect in the process. 

Then in December, we started getting closer again, we started sleeping in the same bed again, no sex though. Then we were discussing her trip to home over x-mas break. She asked me what I was going to be doing, and I said I will probably be sitting around the house. Then, she suggested I could fly up to her home town. We planned that that I would come up for NYE. When I sent her off from the airport on the 22nd, we were holding hands, and we kissed each other goodbye. Then she text me that she was missing me. She then said she Loved me, I had not heard that in 2 months. From there, we talked almost every night for 45 mins, and text a whole bunch as well. Then when I got to her home town, it was so good to see her. We held each other, I brought her some gifts for Christmas, as I expected nothing in return, i just did it for her. Then we had sex that day. I could tell you how great it was. From that point forward, we were right back in the swing of things. 

Then we filed for the divorce on the 14th of January. It is not something I wanted, but what she wanted. We did it holding hands, and kissing. Hell, we even had sex that night. We were very much in love again. Then on the 24th, the papers for the divorce turned up, I guess this got her to thinking about her original reasons for the divorce. We had a party in the 28th, and she got a fortune cookie that said something to the effect of "They don't know how much you know, till know how much you care". Then, she went off and emailed the supervisor about this. I asked her what she was doing, and she printed it out to give to me. It was a lie as well, as far as I could tell. Obviously, this hurt me. I withdrew a bit, and she wanted to make it better. Though, I was still hurt by this, because of what I knew was going on previously when I was trying to put the marriage back together. Things started to change a bit from here. 

On the 31st of Jan, she told me she wanted to visit with the therapist. I was a little unnerved by this, so I made an appt for the 3rd. We met at the local bar on tuesday, and I caught her texting her supervisor from work. She had previously told me that she never text him, which I came to find out was a lie. I had asked her who she was texting, and she said her friend JN, when in fact it was her supervisor. I called her on it, and she said "see, this is what we are going to talk to the therapist about, your manipulation". I was still hurt that she was texting him, while we together at the bar. So she flat out lied to me. I was always bothered by their interactions, because of their closeness. She would talk him about our relationship problems. I know, if I had the same interactions with a female co-worker she would have gone ballistic. Thinking back, it was only when she was away from him, did we rebond. 

Anyways, on Wednesday, she said she looking forward to getting into the therpaist office. Then on the night of Wed, she said she could not see our marriage working because of the "foundation" of the marriage, with me staying out late at night. I was confused and upset by this, so I told her "if this was such a big issue for her, why did you not leave back then?" she satarted balling her eyes out over this statement. Then in the therapist office, she basically said she was going through with the divorce, I am moving out. The therapist suggested so "I hear you saying Friend w/ benefits"? Then outside of the therapist office, I talked to her a little, then told her "If I move out, you will never see me again". I drove off as I was pissed, and ignored her phone calls, and then she sent a text. I told her i was busy. However, we did meet for lunch and dinner.

Friday rolls around, and she then wants to discuss me moving out. She says she wants to get movers, and i say that will cost too much, and i would just be moving down the street. I told her I would get some friends to help me. She then inquires what are you going to tell them, I tell her "We are getting divorced, and I am moving out". You can see the recall text she sent on the 5th of Feb to this fact. I left the house for awhile, as my emotions were running high. i went and mailed the tax docs etc.. Then she went to work. I suggested we go to Yoga try and find some center. When I pick her up at work, the front desk lady asks, who is this to my wife, to which she replys "a friend". The front desk lady asks, are you two brother and sister(we got this more than you can imagine). We kind of laughed about it. Anyways, we head to yoga, but we get there a little late, so we decide to go to whole foods and get a drink. She tells me she is sorry, and there is no one else. I told her it doesn't really matter does it, as the outcome is the same. I said I took care of you on the toilet, and she asked me what she was crying about. I told her I don't know, as I had been drinking that night. On the ride back, she said she is going to look at her drinking and I told her consider the xanax as well, because she forgets some of the more meaningful stuff we discuss. Then at the house, we made as much time as we could to just be with each other, she told me she needed to go her own way, and be on her own for awhile, as that is something she needed. When i left the house, she gave her grandmas blanket, and a pillow, and we kissed each other on my way out the door. That was really the last interaction we ever had. Though, I was promised that I could come home on Sunday and sleep in the same bed. for the rest, you can see the texts.

The reason I did not fight this time around was, I viewed it as hopeless, I did not want to go back to where I was during Oct-Dec. I was severely depressed, but had to hide it to try and make the marriage work. I lost my job because of it. I figured if she is going to treat me this way, why work on it. I had kind of resigned myself to it being over, as she told me.

1) Finances
2) Intimacy
3) EAs
4) Smoking
5) Communication


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Just curious. What exactly happened with your marriage? How long were you married, when did it get bad, why? If you feel comfortable, it might help us feel out what it is that she can't get past. Like you say she wanted you to fight for her but you weren't in a place to do that. What happened? You also said things got good in December, then what caused that to change? When and why did you decide to separate on the way to divorce? Again, you don't have to answer, just trying to gauge what's going on here.


Look above.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

This little text piece stands out to me. 

""friend".Later" from the 6th. That is a clip from me earlier text where I told her she did not need to be alone. I am thinking back I should have called myself her husband, and said I love you at the end.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

> Her: I have been but u brought up wanting to spend time with me sunday that is why I re-iterated it NRG We r getting divorced, moving out, what am I to do or say. I feel sick didn't mean to anger u. U told me also I need to be more direct with u so, I did b/c u mentioned sunday when I still have company. I'm scared but I'm trying to do what I have to do. Guess I pissed u off yet again. There r 2 sides to this.


This was a rather important text that I missed. We had discussed before about this, she wanted the divorce still, but we were going to be together. I am a little upset with how this went down. Another game she is playing with me.


Why would she have left the house completely bare till I contacted on the 6th, then go get furniture. What eff was she doing?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

IMO, you guys are both messed up about this right now. I think you I'm sure she has a reason that she did it, but I think you both are not being rational. It doesn't really matter why she did it. She may have totally thought it was over. She may have wanted to shop because she was stressed. She may have been very lonely and wanted new furniture to fill the house.

If feels like you have both thought too much about a lot of these things and made them into issues when they were not any specific thing.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> IMO, you guys are both messed up about this right now.


You think? :iagree:



anx said:


> I'm sure she has a reason that she did it, but I think you both are not being rational.


I did contact her mother, and asked her if she wanted some chairs back, as she had mentioned it was issue. Then, her mom text me back 6 hours later and says she just bought some, so keep them. Her mom was the only one who was really talking to me on a level.



anx said:


> It doesn't really matter why she did it. She may have totally thought it was over.


This is what I was thinking.



anx said:


> She may have wanted to shop because she was stressed.


No, the house has been empty with her mom there for the past 3 weeks. They made absolutely no move to put anything in there.



anx said:


> She may have been very lonely and wanted new furniture to fill the house.


I am sure this may have been a factor.



anx said:


> If feels like you have both thought too much about a lot of these things and made them into issues when they were not any specific thing.


I am really just trying to find some rhyhm and reason to all the madness that is going on here. I just don't know how we got to this point. Maybe I am beating myself up about this.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

So, I was just going through some of the boxes that were dropped off at my house. They found the "Love must be tough" book, and it was marked for the Singles section with a card. Also, the Divorce Busters book, the Divorce Busters book was marked in the Try a different medium to convey your message. These are not sections I had marked. Interestingly enough, the page behind where the card is marked, is 117.

I think she got into these books.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

NRG said:


> Hell yeah that is long, that is one month worth of texts, in a good month when we were together, it would have been twice as long. I could bust out Decembers texts when we were getting closer. :rofl:


Thought I would put some texts up of us of the previous week to the one where every thing went bad.



> *Jan 24th*
> 
> Me: Hope your interview is going ok, and you are feeling better. Keep me up to date on what is going on.
> 
> ...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, you guys have really been through a lot. I really don't understand what happened in January and she went through with the divorce. The thing I get, over and over, is that she has the upper hand. She holds all the cards, and you let her. You are a nice guy to the T, always telling her you love her and you are there for her. She doesn't realize what she has. Yes, maybe your actions in the past have caused her pain, and she can't get over them, and there are miscommunications in the present, but those are hers to get past. You've shown you are more than willing to be there for her. All I can suggest at this point is that you take a step back and give her some space. I'm trying to do this is my marriage right now. All your convincing and communicating is pushing her further away. Do you have kids? I didn't think you did but then something in there made it seem like you did. 

If the divorce is already going through, all you can do is try to be yourself and be positive and upbeat and go on with your life. Hopefully she sees this and comes back. If not, you will have grown and learned from this. I don't remember the exact statistic, but a lot of people remarry their first spouse. Maybe she needs the pressure off of being married. Who knows? I wish you luck.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

So, I went to the courthouse today. Saw her. She was a little shocked I was there. She asked what I was doing there. I told her, I thought we both had to be here to agree to the divorce. She said I did not need to be there. Anyways, we started talking, about all the things that went on. She says I really messed things up, I said I know I did. She says, I don't want to feel like this is all my fault. I tell her it was 50/50, though I feel like she is the one who started this all. 

She tells me I need to move on, I tell her, I can't because I love you. I tell her I would like to make things work with us. She shakes her head no. She asks me if I stopped smoking, I tell her yes. She vents some of her frustrations at me, I deal with them in a calm manner. She is obviously very depressed over the whole thing. Then she is called into court, and I go my separate way as she told me I did not need to be there. The divorce is final. She then texts me "R u ok", then texts, "I feel like you are messing with my head". I call her, it does not get answered. Then she calls me back almost immediately. We talk a little, she says she feels like I am playing with her head, I tell her I would never do anything like that. She asks what my intentions were being there. I told her "I was going to go into court and say I don't want this divorce, but if this is what she wants, then she can have it. But I did not want to make it difficult on her." At the end of the phone conversation, I tell her I miss her, she says she has to go, then gets off the phone quickly. Then about an hour later, she texts me:

Her: "I care about your Well-Being NRG. We tried and we did not make it. St. Pete will be good for u to move forward. Take care of yourself."

I don't respond.

12 mins later:

Her: You hurt me this morning. Whatever your intention was, the shock value was hurtful. Bye.

Me: I am so sorry. I did not mean to at all.

Me: I was just trying to do the right thing. I am sorry, I did not want to hurt you at all.

Her: Don't worry about it. I feel sick. Take care

Her 5 mins later: It's ok

I leave them, and don't answer them.

Then she calls me right after she gets out of work. She says I wanted to she how you are doing. I tell her I am ok. I am a little upbeat with her, though the conversation is akward. She asks Why I left so abruptly. I was a little taken back by this I was not too sure what she was referring to. I ask her how she is feeling, she says she does not know. I tell her she knows my intentions, I am willing to accept hers. I tell let's get together sometime. She says I don't know, then says she has to go.

I think i should have walked into that courtroom and said no.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I think i should have walked into that courtroom and said no.


 nah, I think you did the right thing.



> I tell let's get together sometime. She says I don't know, then says she has to go.


 yeah, again, make a date for 2 months out. low key dinner or coffee. Tell her you want to introduce you to the new person you've become and catch up. Get in IC. No smoking. Become the man that your wife wants you to be. 

I think how your wife interacted with you was the best she could have. You do still have a chance to fix this. It sounds like she is very confused, but doesn't hate you or want nothing to do with you.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Anx, she says I hurt her, and this hurt her I personallt think she wanted me to fight. She was hurt by me not going into the courtroom For instance, after I said "I said mI never meant to hurt you" she said "but you did, this did. Don't worry about it there is nothing you can do. She also asked me why I left abruptly. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

So she tells me to keep moving forward She is glad that we were a part of each others life, we just did not work out. None of this was something to be responded to. So left it Then She texts me that she "hopes that I am Ok and mI rest well. Bye"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> No smoking..


I had quit for awhile, then broke down and bought a pack on the day of the divorce which I thought was final. So I smoke a little. I think she came by the house, and saw the pack sitting on the car. Man am I a dummy. I hate how she comes back, she just shows the eff up.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I doubt I could ever quit smoking. I'm such an addict to stuff like coffee and games. I would have a VERY hard time doing it. Especially the day when my D was finallized. I hope your story turns out. The only way you have a chance is time apart and real, fundamental change, which is about the hardest thing you can do.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

So we were really close to making it work, though I think she has the divorce decree and is switching names back. Funny thing is, she is Psychologist, and she had all sorts of things in there for me. 

1) CoDependency - She started testing this way early. You can see on the 11th of Feb, where she says R U Home, I reply Yes. Do you want me to leave so you can get something?. she responded with "Apparently so". She did this on multiple occasions to me.

2) Smoking - I still smoked on and off during my quitting. They would whip up trouble in the relationship, and either add a punishment on the end of it just to see what my reaction would be, or they would be down the street whip pressure, then wait to see if I came out to smoke.

3) Getting Back together - We start talking on the phone again on the 15th of March. Our conversations are going real well, figure 30 min phone on average. We never really got to see each other though, because she refused to ask me to come over, and I was not gonna ask because I was the one kicked out of the house. She told me she had a 6th Grade paper for me, I asked if I should come get it. She states I am Uncertain if you should because nights are tough. Confusing, I know. Then I just say I am going to come over, she says "Maybe For Few Minutes, this is odd". I say what do mean odd? Then I say "I don't have to if you don't want me to". She calls my cell phone, this says she is unsure if we should come over, she says it will be tough on her when the Dog and I leave. I am puzzled at this, as I have no idea where I stand with her because of all the past issues. Then she quickly decides no, she is not ready for that then gets off the phone. So she takes off to Port Charlotte we communicate pretty openly, just like old times, we are reminiscing about foods we eat. We text back and forth. Then I get a phone call, they start heaping the stress on me, I go outside and smoke, I immediately get 2 day no contact rule thrown at me. Well then send a text that says:



> NRG's Wife: Ok it is ok NRG today I will be very lonely too, I just need for u to do something for u, the yoga helps me, hang in there I know life can suck


to which later on in the evening I said:



> NRG: Ok, sorry you are going to be lonely tonight as you stated in your reply to me.
> 
> Were you trying to say something with your replies?
> 
> NRG's Wife: Not at all


Ball should be in her court to ask me to come over now correct?


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Here is an email I am sending her.



> Your idea was to expose my People-Pleasing on Sunday, or get me to overcome it. However, we reached a stale mate. No-one ever asked each other what they were going to do Sunday. I went to house, and got bored and went and played some pool, while evidently, you stayed at the home. I played pool till about 10:30, then I text you something you did not even want. You looking for a request to come over, or come home. In fact, I had made this request 4 days earlier, and I was shot down on each one of them:
> 
> B: “T, can we move back in there with you? I now see what you were hinting at. This will take care of the lonely night, you say you want to see us, but would be upset if we left. I would like to move back into the house with you.”
> T: “I am sorry but No, u cannot move back here. I will call u soon u are seriously, on a different level of thinking bye for now”
> ...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

This is still a good sign. I wouldn't push it too far or fast. Inch by inch. There won't be any big steps. She has zero trust for you left.

You might want to go out for coffee. The public nature of it will be less intimidating.

Keep focus on fixing your stuff. She has stuff she needs to fix too.

I actually looked up codependency when I read your post earlier.

Best of luck.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Glad she is still sort of talking to you, though she seems rather cold and like she is trying to move on. I thought you were going to go no contact for awhile, or low contact. And then meet up for dinner? Is she initiating conversations and contact or are you? The D is final, right?


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> This is still a good sign. I wouldn't push it too far or fast. Inch by inch. There won't be any big steps. She has zero trust for you left.
> 
> You might want to go out for coffee. The public nature of it will be less intimidating.
> 
> ...


Not really, it was all a game, she held for a week with a gauntlet of tests.

Here is her final letter to me:



> -NRG, thank you for your authentic words and communication. As hurtful and difficult for this is for me to say, again, to you, I am not willing to re-engage with you and re-establish our relationship. I am moving on, alone, and I need you to accept that fact. You have brought this to the point of me having to be more assertive than ever and i know you are fighting for us but, there is nothing to fight for, i am moving on, i am trying to heal myself after so many years of so much stress.
> 
> Please, stop contacting me. I tried to be friends with you on some distant level because of course i care deeply about you but it did not work, unfortunately it cannot work in order for you to move forward.
> 
> I am incredibly late and must go. I wish nothing but the best and inner peace for you and acceptance that we have very special memories and that sometimes things come into our lives for a certain time but i must for the sake of myself move on without you, without us, and you must do the same. By contacting me it is not helping you at all and creating more drama and heartbreak. I have to go.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

My response to her letter:



> As I said before, I am not dumb. That was not a friendship we were rekindling, that was our relationship, and you damn well know it. Don't try and fool me. You held out for week before making the court decision final, with a series of tests for me. One was asserting myself in the courtroom, another is coming over to your house, and smoking tests. You did catch me on the one and only cig I smoked that day on the 21st after I apologized about not asking to coming over, which is rather unfortunate truth be told. You know, if it was over smoking as you claim, I would have done a lot better from the comfort of home.
> 
> I had missed several opportunities to save our marriage, and I blew them all:
> 
> ...


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Glad she is still sort of talking to you, though she seems rather cold and like she is trying to move on. I thought you were going to go no contact for awhile, or low contact. And then meet up for dinner? Is she initiating conversations and contact or are you? The D is final, right?


We were in no contact, till the court date. I showed up at the house, professed my undying love for her, told her I quit smoking. Then she called me right after she got out of court. I told her I missed her, she said she had to go. Then called me right after sobbing, asking if there is more to say, I told her I said everything to her. She asked how I was, I told her 'ok', I was rather guarded. I think this hurt her a bit. And from that point forward, anytime I asked her how she was doing, i would get an 'ok'. 

We talked over the phone a few times from the 15th up until the 20th. She has been pretty much sterile in terms of feelings and such since then. Almost zero contact recently.

Here is my last email I will send her, it has already been sent:



> Yes, it has gotten a little out of hand, I agree with you, and I think I should back it down a little after this email, though I do wish we were talking a little more openly with each other, namely phone calls, or in person. I don't even know why I am sending this to you, but I do feel this needs to be said and you only mentioned text, phone calls, and asking to come over, nothing about email . I am not too sure what to really say. I guess I was a little confused on what is really going on. I feel that you were/are too. I am sure you can understand that perspective. I wish I was a little more cordial in my previous emails, but I guess I was feeling a sense of abandonment, and misled. I think this led to feeling of mistrust, and some anger built up. I was a little upset, and the words may have come out wrong. I will fully believe you that you have not come by the house, though it is very hard to accept with all that surrounding circumstances. I am sure you can/could understand that. Nonetheless, I had quit smoking through the time of Oct - late Jan, so yes I did quit, and I have quit again, but you are correct I did not quit at 32. Yes again, I did say I was going to quit by 34, because if you remember how distraught I was over that photo of the 34 yo that had cancer, and was laid up in the hospital bed. Blew right through that as well, I guess quitting smoking is easier said than done when you have done it for so many years. Out of curiosity, what did you mean by saying "you didn't know if I was smoking, that was easy assumption"? I have quit smoking for the most part, I still will smoke an occasional cig with a beer, or such, but for the most part, smoke free. I am sure you thought I was still smoking, but I would not consider what I have been doing for the past few weeks to really be smoking. I have not bought a pack of cigarettes since the 14th, and that is the truth. I know you felt like we could not grow old together because of some of lifestyle choices, namely because of smoking. I know you are super against smoking because of fact that we took care of my father. I know how that makes you feel, and that you never wanted to be in that position with me.
> 
> I understand you are unhappy with some of things you mentioned in counseling, and I have done what I needed to do make it out here. Namely focusing on the business, though thoughts of you are very distracting, but they are pleasurable distractions, so I don't mind them too much. Obviously, things had gotten to you a little, but as I said before, I feel that things can be corrected. As you can see, I have got my own place now, not that I am all too happy about it, as it is away from you, and our little family, or what was, I am not too sure and I am confused about our marriage. I know the final judgment for the dissolution of the marriage was granted, but I don't know it that means the marriage ceased to be that day, or if there was more steps that need to be took to make that judgment a fact and the marriage over. All I know we have a strong connection, as evidenced by how we are, both you and I know this. I can really think of ... . But nonetheless, here I am. You say my lifestyle choices, I would assume you mean smoking and going out to avoid the depressing lonely house. Yes, it makes it easier on me to be out of a house, where I don't want to be. I would rather be at home with you, a both dogs. Even after all this **** that is going on, I just want this to end, and for us to be together, living togehter. I still have hope for us always do.
> 
> ...


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

> I tried to read most of this. I legally ceased being your wife, yes, and I have psychologically ceased being your wife and I have ceased being part of any intimate relatiosnhip. Thank you for the linkedin recommendation, it looks as if my career is my life calling even though i view it as love and my calling not a "career" in some ways. i am completely exhausted of all of this. i have been extremely clear with you. i am drained physically and emotionally and you continue to tell me that you are not clear, it makes Zero sense to me. i am so sorry that you hurt but i have realized and must realize that i am not responsible for your depression, i am not responsible for the choices you made during our marriage that you now are so willing to try to change b/c you are now in your position. it was easy to assume you were smoking b/c of stress, besides, u never thought cigars counted as smoking, it doesn't even matter i am so done talking to you about any of this, you will make your own choices, and if i had any part at all in your life i believe that i had some help with you dealing with the loss of your family and particularly to get you to quit smoking so that you can grow old and have a future. You will find a partner, i know that you will, and i know that you can make it through this, and you must stop contacting me. you are welcome to email me if you need to but nothing else my resources are now completely drained. it's time for me to focus on me and finishing my dissertation rather than anything else not because i'm being selfish but because i must and i need to. in regards to filing or marital issues it is over i don't know why in the world u keep asking the same questions. my family wishes the best to you and if you don't understand what happened to us i believe that Earl does and he can tell yo;u about how a woman needs to feel secure etc. i don't have the energy to go through it yet another time with you i just don't. everything from losing wedding ring to smoking to driving me in area in bahamas where i expresssed how unsafe i felt but that meant nothing to you, you wanted it your way, to begging you to close garage i mean, i cannot explain nor at this point am i willing to spend any more mental energy on this it is frustrating, depressing, and i'm trying to live each day to the fullest that i can right now. i really have to go now. i am sorry that you hurt, i am sorry that we are both very alone, and it is ashame that things did not work out NRG but they didn't and this was a significant difficult decision that I and i alone have made for my life. let me go and stop your current behavior it is not helping Anythying


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Its game over man.

I'm sorry it turned out this way and good luck in the future.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Well, here is an update.

She blocked my texts. I told her she can unblock me and we can carry on like to adults, but if she wants, I will truly let her be, but to think about it, carefully. I left her alone for a week, then I recieved these emails last Wed.

Sent @ 821p


> I wanted to thank you for all of the times that you were there for me, the times that i was able to be there with you, and the good memories that i will forever cherish. i am deeply sad, deeply grieving, and appreciate that you have stepped back to allow me the space to do so. I have no anger, i want nothing for you but happiness joy and a healthy future. i am so complex and, i just... am deeply sorry that i hurt you. and never imagined things would have ended up this way but, i have so many reasons and i think that maybe some day you will understand that more, i don't know.
> 
> I will always love you NRG and care about you and I wish you the very best as you move forward and find somebody who is stable, healthy, not such a stressful career, and wants to enjoy that houseboat you dream of...  Take good care and know that you are deeply cared about and maybe in the future we can somehow be friends i have no idea i just don't know what to do. Warmly,



Sent 5 mins later


> hi, i sent a note of gratitude, did u receive it? if not, basically i said thank you that i will forever love and care about you and cherish our warm memories and that some day i think u will understand more why it came to this; i never wanted to hurt u nor me i want the best for u and i hope u got my email but amybe ur blocking my emails and that's ok i understand. anyway, take care, not sure it went through but wish u joy health and somebody stable healthy and ur dreams of the houseboat...



Not too sure how to respond to it, so I sent this.



> "hi, i sent a note of gratitude, did u receive it?"
> I did, I thank you for it. I am not too sure how to respond to it. You shared some of your feelings, and I feel I should let you know mine as well. I just don’t want to add pressure to you. If you want me to respond to it in detail, please let me know.
> 
> "maybe ur blocking my emails"
> I wouldn't block you on anything, ever.



Here was an alternative I was willing to send, but did not need to add pressure.



> I am making myself very, very vulnerable right now, I am not too sure it is the right thing to do. My mind says to share little, but my heart says share more, but I can be nothing but open with you. I don’t want to play any games with you, I want you to be clear on where I stand.
> 
> Thank you for the email, as usual it is always welcoming to hear from you. Of course it was always my joy, and my goal to always be there for you, through the good, the bad, and the seemingly impossible. I have tried to be consistent with you, and be there regardless. I may have faltered some times, but I like to think for the most part I have been there for you. For me there was no better source of my happiness than helping you, being there for you, and being with you. I also want to say thank you for being there for me, as you were on many occasions.
> 
> ...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Maybe you could explain some of the feelings you are going through, and what is triggering them for you?


 I would remove this line, but otherwise I really like it. Its a little too pushy or something.

I think what you sent back was good.

Best of luck


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Sorry it took a turn like this NRG. Mine is heading in that way. My H has said a lot of what your wife said in her last message. Hard to have any hope. But i think it's the best thing for you to just move on. I'm working on doing the same. It's hard though because I have to see him due to the kids.  

I would respond to her email, but really skim down what you've written. It sounds like there's an expectation of a response back, and she doesn't need that right now.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> I would remove this line, but otherwise I really like it. Its a little too pushy or something.
> 
> I think what you sent back was good.
> 
> Best of luck


What do you glean from her emails to me, and what do you think her response to mine will be? BTW, I removed that line.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think you guys are probably done, but there might be a glimmer of a chance of hope.

I think the more you leave her alone the better. I think this all might turned out better if you had given her tons of space a few months ago.

She might heal from this and want to try again, but who knows. A lot can happen in a few months.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> I think you guys are probably done, but there might be a glimmer of a chance of hope.


It is weird, all and all. It comes off as she misses me, but that she gets the perception that I am moving forward without her, and actively looking for someone. Not too sure. Should I let her keep feeling this way?



anx said:


> I think the more you leave her alone the better. I think this all might turned out better if you had given her tons of space a few months ago.


I am trying to do what I can. It is just so damn tough, if you know what I mean. Should I wait for her to inquire more about my feelings on the matter, or should I send the alternative email without solicitation on her part? What process do you think she will go through, by being left alone? As far as leaving her alone a few months ago, I felt this need to try and mend the relationship, as she was super important to me.



anx said:


> She might heal from this and want to try again, but who knows. A lot can happen in a few months.


Very true.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> It is just so damn tough, if you know what I mean.


 I do know how hard it is. I slipped into pretty major depression because of my separation. The waiting sucks.



> Should I wait for her to inquire more about my feelings on the matter, or should I send the alternative email without solicitation on her part? What process do you think she will go through, by being left alone? As far as leaving her alone a few months ago, I felt this need to try and mend the relationship, as she was super important to me.


 I don't really know. She needs time to heal. I don't think there is any magic time or silver bullet. You might have to wait for her to initiate more contact. 

I think by waiting you got a good response, but it still might be over. 

I'm not sure you can do anything to mend the relationship. At this point all bets are off, but certainly she needs some time.

You may find someone else in the mean time. 

Best of luck


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> .
> 
> You may find someone else in the mean time.
> 
> Best of luck


I don't want anyone else, nor am i actively looking for anyone. I think we both know, barring the reasons she has for ending it, we were good together for almost 9 years. So I am not too sure why she kept inserting "I wish you the very best as you move forward and find somebody who is stable, healthy, not such a stressful career, and wants to enjoy that houseboat you dream of". I am getting a better handle on what was going on, she said she did not feel "secure". I think this goes to me losing my work for about a year. Also, with a few other things. It is mainly financial reasons.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

So, I was walking the dog out of the neighborhood today, and I ran across her. She was driving in, i was walking the dog out. Last time this happened, I just waved and kept walking, and she kept driving. This time however, I waved as I did last time, she kept driving like last time. But I heard her put the parking brake(ratchets), then I turned around and saw her getting out of the car. She asked me if i was mad at her. I told her no. She then went to say that i waved in a weird fashion. Then she says this is kind of weird, like friendly neighbors. To which I reply yeah. It was a rather awkward time. She went right for the dog, then we talked a little. I told her she could take the dog for the day or something. She said no, it would be too tough on the dog and her. I just told her take the dog. She said she was going to be busy today. She told me that she has been doing her dissretation. She was going to yoga later in the day. She was just coming back from her buddies house. I told her that dog2 appears to miss you quite a bit(he was crawling all over her). She had some sunglasses I had bought for her, on. I told she looked nice. She said the same to me. Then she said she had to go, I told her she could call anytime. Then she told me thank you, it would take some time.

Weird all and all. Wish it wasn't so awkward, and I said more. I think if we run across each other again, I will be a little better prepared. It is weird, I am like nervous around her, which was never the case.


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