# What's wrong with my husband..or is it me?



## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and together for 15. He is 33 and I am 32. When i turned 30 my sex drive went thru the roof! I want it all the time, I want to try new things and new places, I want roughness and intensity.My husband on the other hand can for days, even weeks sometimes without sex or any other intimate contact. There have been several times when we've gone 3 weeks without any intimate contact. Every time I bring it up it leads to a fight. He tells me that i just have a higher sex drive than him and that he doesnt think about sex all the time. He says he's sorry he's not a sex fiend. I've told him over and over that I'm ready anytime so he never has to wonder if I'm in the mood. Usually after we fight about it he apologizes and we have sex and then, other than a few peck kisses a few hugs and an arm around me when we go to sleep, there is no intimate contact again for at least 5 days. I've have told him so many times how I hate going so long without him touching me. Sometimes I crave sexual contact with him so much that I will give him a BJ but he never returns the favor or touch me at all. So then I'm left hanging, turned on more than I was before. I've told him we don't always have to have sex, we can just fool around. But that almost never happens. Most recently we went to the mountains and celebrated our 13th anniversary.. There was no sex. He got a BJ.. I got nothing. Today is 10 days since the last time we had sex and he touched me at all. I started my period on Monday (maybe TMI..but it's important, sorry) I have an IUD so my period is not heavy at all. It's barely anything at all. He doesn't come anywhere near me when it's that time of the month. Which never used to bother me. I do enjoy anal sex and I've told him we could do that during that time of the month and he said no. I told him he could we could just play we didn't have to have to have sex.. He shook his head and said no. Sorry..it's just gross. I understand that a lot men are turned off during that time but I've told him that it's barely even there..(maybe I should just not let him know when it's that time), anyways, all my friends and the girls at work don't have this problem. They can't keep their husbands off of them, and I feel like I have to say to my husband " hey, you know you haven't touched me in 10 days?". Yesterday him and I were talking and I said "it's been 9 days since we've made love" and said "I know, it sucks" I don't believe he feels that way. I had on an off the shoulder shirt with no bra and pulled it down and flashed my boobs at him.. He raised his eyebrows a couple of times and that was it. He went outside to smoke. Needless to say I was upset and we had a huge fight that didn't solve anything. A year ago I found out that when we were married for 2 years he cheated on me. He left me back then for 2 months and when I filed for divorce he changed his mind. I always heard rumors about him having sex with a particular girl. For 10 years I've begged him to tell me the truth. He always denied it until last year when I confronted him with facts he couldn't deny. He was using cocaine and pills with her and having sex with her. I have had a very hard time moving on from this. I feel like he wanted her the way I want him to want me. I feel like this post is probably two seperate issues rolled into one. I'm just at the end of my rope. I don't want to leave him and break up our family but I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling rejected and gross and like a roommate. He says he loves me so much and would never leave me again or do drugs or cheat and that he was a stupid 22 year old and he was scared to tell me because he didn't want to lose me. Sorry, I'm rambling... So my question is: Is there something wrong with him or me? Is it normal to be on different pages when it comes to sex and if so, how do we get on the same page?
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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I am sorry to hear and I, like many others, feel your pain. Unfortunately, as the HD spouse, you have limited options and should begin to understand that the LD spouse holds all the sexual cards. They are happy, they have it the way they want it. You are the one that has to change your mindset about sex. I would suggest to just back way off and take it off the table for awhile. Also scale back in other areas of affection. He may view you as weak and needy.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

A couple of areas of question:

1. What did you two do regarding the affair? Counseling? Transparency? No contact by him? Any chance he is having an affair now? Why or why not?

2. Has your sex life ever been good? Were things ever switched, where he was the HD and you were the LD? If so, how did you two deal with that? How about intimacy in general (loving touches, kisses, etc.) in the past?

3. Has he seen a doctor? Any health issues or major life events? Stress due to finances or something like that?


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

We've had long conversations about the affair and lies and he has been transparent. Although the thoughts of him cheating again have entered my mind. When he's later than he says he will be or when he doesn't answer his phone my mind immediately goes there. I don't think he would hurt me like that again, but then I never thought he would do it in the first place. When we were first married the sex was great! And spontaneous. After I had our daughter, I think I probably turned him down because I felt bad about myself and I was tired and just wore out. But that was 11 years ago. For the past , I'd say 9 years, we had great frequent sex. I'm not sure what has changed. Ive gained and lost weight and nothing changed..no better, no worse. He won't go to the dr. And really, he doesn't have any other symptoms of low testosterone. He does work hard, but he always has plenty of energy to go hunting or fishing or hang out with friends. He says he's attracted to me but I'm not convinced. I've decided that I'm not going to say anything else about it and just see how long it takes. Some of my friends tell me I should initiate it but I feel like if he wanted to have sex with me he would let me know. I've told him I'm always ready so I feel like initiating would be making him do Seth g he didn't really want to do.
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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

We do kiss (peck on the lips and or cheek) and hug everyday. And he tells me he loves me all the time and that he only wants me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life...
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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> We've had long conversations about the affair and lies and he has been transparent. Although the thoughts of him cheating again have entered my mind. When he's later than he says he will be or when he doesn't answer his phone my mind immediately goes there. I don't think he would hurt me like that again, but then I never thought he would do it in the first place.


You need to investigate. Check cell phone logs to see if there are any frequently called or texted numbers. Also check your computer history to see if he is checking email. How late was he and what were his reasons? How long could you not get in touch with him and what were those reasons?



> When we were first married the sex was great! And spontaneous. After I had our daughter, I think I probably turned him down because I felt bad about myself and I was tired and just wore out. But that was 11 years ago. For the past , I'd say 9 years, we had great frequent sex. I'm not sure what has changed.


Seems unlikely this is the cause, but I wanted to make sure.



> Ive gained and lost weight and nothing changed..no better, no worse. He won't go to the dr. And really, he doesn't have any other symptoms of low testosterone. He does work hard, but he always has plenty of energy to go hunting or fishing or hang out with friends. He says he's attracted to me but I'm not convinced.


Maybe something to follow up on if things don't improve.



> I've decided that I'm not going to say anything else about it and just see how long it takes. Some of my friends tell me I should initiate it but I feel like if he wanted to have sex with me he would let me know. I've told him I'm always ready so I feel like initiating would be making him do Seth g he didn't really want to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some men like the chase. Any possibility that you have been too available for him? Perhaps being a bit more coy and flirty and making him do the work? Would that be consistent with your marriage before?


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

He also does not give me oral sex. He says he doesn't like doing it and never has liked it with anyone. He has done it a handful of times but I can't enjoy it because I know he's not enjoying it...
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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I go thru his phone from time to time. So far I haven't found anything. He doesn't have email and doesn't have access to the computer much but I do check the history and so far nothing. I've tried being flirty and not saying anything about sex and I get nothing.
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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

When he's late it can be 20mins to an hour. Sometimes when he's late I call him and he doesn't answer. He'll call back a few mins later or sometimes longer and say he didn't have service. I know thee are some friends houses that don't get service..and other times he will answer and say he stared talking and didn't realize he was late and he's sorry.
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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> I go thru his phone from time to time. So far I haven't found anything. He doesn't have email and doesn't have access to the computer much but I do check the history and so far nothing. I've tried being flirty and not saying anything about sex and I get nothing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Check the records from the phone company, as he could be deleting things. I am not saying he is cheating, just that you need to rule that out, as your approach to this issue will change based on whether he is or is not.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Some men like the chase. Any possibility that you have been too available for him? Perhaps being a bit more coy and flirty and making him do the work? Would that be consistent with your marriage before?


In addition to this, consider doing less for him. Let him know that by him not meeting your needs, you need to focus more on yourself. That means less for him. Make it clear exactly why you are doing it, then put it into action. Don't be mean or nasty, just matter-of-fact.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Advice taken! Thank you!!
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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

But what is causing him to be this way. I really don't think he's cheating. We are very close in other ways besides sex. We are best friends...I just don't get the not interested in sex
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

He sounds like he is using drugs. Some drugs will totally dampen a man's sexual abilities, and many of them will then simply avoid sex.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> He sounds like he is using drugs. Some drugs will totally dampen a man's sexual abilities, and many of them will then simply avoid sex.


That could be it.

As I noted, some men like the chase, so the OP being too available may be doing it.

He may not like something else she is doing.

Or he may be cheating.

OP - Do some digging and see what other facts you can uncover.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Low testosteronoe, or other health issues?

Would he consider going to see a doctor, just to check?


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

He doesn't have any health issues as far as we know. He doesn't go to the dr unless he's half dead.. I may could get him to go but we don't have insurance so with blood work it will cost a pretty Pennie...but it may be worth it... I don't think he's on drugs...although I've been wrong in the past. I control the money so I know he isn't getting extra money to buy stuff like that... Maybe he's just lazy when it comes to sex. Last night we were kissing pretty passionately and he got hard. I have him a BJ and I enjoyed myself..but I got absolutely nothing..not even a hand on my boob... I just don't get it
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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I completely forgot to ask - what is his porn usage? Any chance he is doing too much of that>


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to stop smoking for a start.
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