# Wife Seems to Have Given Up



## AndyDufresne (Jul 18, 2013)

Hello all - I'm new to these boards and looking for a little advice.

I've been married 6 years, with 2 children (ages 4 and 2). My wife is a compulsive gambler (since well before we met) and her therapist believes she is suffering from depression. The gambling isn't as much a problem (for me) as the lying about her whereabouts time and time again when she went to go gamble. The gambling has subsided since we've had children, and my wife goes to GA meetings on a regular basis. The gambling has predictably led to us having financial issues.

The gambling has been replaced, however, by depression, and for some reason, resentment and hatred by my wife towards me. I am a small business owner and have had to work substantial hours the last 4 years or so. I wasn't able to help my wife with our children as much as I would have liked, but the time spent working was necessary to provide for our family. I'd oftentimes have to work late at night and on the weekends. By the same token, during other periods of time, I've been able to take family vacations and work much less. I’ve by no means have been an absentee husband or father, and my children adore me.

My wife seems to have no patience to deal with our children. Any little outburst sets her off and she yells and screams at them (and me). I’m the calm one and I tend to diffuse every tense situation with the kids. Ever since we had our first child, my wife is always angry and never happy. She’s gone from job to job and she is never satisfied with her working situation. We live a middle-class lifestyle and need her income to supplement mine (at least for the time being). She is resentful of this and feels that it is my responsibility to provide 100% for the family, and blames me for any dip in the economy that affects my business.

My wife verbally abuses me, has a horrible temper and every little thing sets her off. Our first 3 years of marriage was great – this behavior started just after our first child was born, and has gotten worse and worse. Around 2 years ago, she began seeing a therapist (and I’ve gone to many sessions, as well), who diagnosed her with depression. However, my wife has bounced from psychiatrist to psychiatrist and only sporadically has been prescribed (and taken) anti-depressant medication. She (perhaps intentionally) schedules these appointments during times that I’m not available, so she tells the psychiatrists horrible stories about me, to the extent that her last psychiatrist told her that her problems are that her husband works too much, and of course she’s upset and she doesn’t need any medication. Only her therapist has met me and is able to see the entire picture.

I want to save my marriage and I’ve done everything possible to do so. I try to make date nights, be romantic, take more responsibility with the kids, and the last year or so, I’ve been working much less. I try everything to make her happy, but she appears to have checked out of our relationship. She claims that GA tells her that she needs to work on her gambling addiction only, and that there is no time to repair other relationships. She’s intent on fixing herself, without regard to fixing our marriage. She claims that with the kids and work, there is no time to work on our marriage, and she simply doesn’t care anymore. When the kids go to sleep, all she wants to do is watch TV by herself. I can stay in the same room as long as I don’t talk to her or touch her. We are sporadically intimate, but it’s always a negotiation and never a loving or tender moment.

It would be easy to simply let the marriage go, but I want to bring us back to where we were several years ago, and I think our marriage is worth saving. My wife brings up separation/divorce constantly, claiming that she’s not happy and there’s no point. I am able to talk her out of it but the same argument persists. I’ve asked her what the issues are, and the only things she’s said is my working too much (which isn’t really the case anymore) and her thinking it’s unfair that she has to work (which isn’t my fault – I wish neither of us had to work but it is what it is).

It’s just very tough to save a marriage where the other spouse seems to have given up. I know a lot of the issue is my wife’s depression, but it’s difficult to predict whether or not she’s ultimately going to get on medication again (and her family is against that and it’s easier for them to conclude I’m the bad guy than their daughter is suffering from depression). I’m willing to do all the work, but I’m looking for any advice that anyone has. I’m looking for some hope.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well, first off theres no way GA told her she needs to work on just herself and forget about damaged relationships. IF someone said that is because she had told a story that paints a negative picture about her home life that leads to her gambling. You have to be very careful in those settings, once someone see's a person that's vulnerable, they jump on the prey.

Do you think she might be getting some extra support from one of the GA members? It doesn't have to be physical, but maybe getting some misguided emotional support. I can tell you tons of stories about some AA meetings and guys using it as a pick up site not treatment.

Has she had her hormones checked since the kids were born? You sound like your sitting on the fence yourself a bit, you need to make up your mind and just go with it. Be patient. Just because your wife has given up for now, doesn't mean you need to.

Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy are good books I recommend.
They more or less specialize in a one spouse repair strat. Also visit the local library and maybe check out some books on gambling addictions. Those are written by experts, and not like a GA meeting where a lot of the people are still in denial, or still trying to figure out how to get started, althought there are good ppl there too..

Also maybe post over in :

Relationships and Addiction

as they have ppl more with advice with gambling addictions there.



Good luck


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

AndyDufresne said:


> It would be easy to simply let the marriage go, but I want to bring us back to where we were several years ago, and I think our marriage is worth saving.


Why??? I really do hate to sound so harsh, but if you are giving us an accurate picture here, what is there to save here? Her addictions and her depression are not even your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is right there in the title of your post. You can't fix things if she's given up. 

A marriage takes two people. If one of them isn't interested, then it can't be saved no matter how much the other person wants to salvage the situation.



> My wife brings up separation/divorce constantly, claiming that she’s not happy and there’s no point.


Then maybe it's time to call her bluff and give her a reality check. Where will she be without you? She doesn't keep a job, and gambles her money away. If you divorce, please fight like hell for custody of your children. 



> I am able to talk her out of it but the same argument persists.


You can't force someone to love you by arguing with them. All you are doing is temporarily resurrecting your marriage like a lifeless zombie rising from the grave again and again.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

It sounds as though it could be a case of postnatal depression in part. My cousin's wife was similar. They are ok now but it did take time.

Good luck.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

So why not give up? What good you have from the ruins of this marriage?

A good wife? No. She abuses you, doesn't appreciate what you do for the family, she doesn't show any love to you, all on the contrary, she wants to be rid of you.

A good partner? No. You work your back off and instead of her being grateful that you take care of her AND help with the kids, she yells at you and she BLAMES you? Wow. And why would it be your responsability 100% to provide for the family? A marriage is a partnership, not a horse and a carriage. I don't understand how she would see you working yourself to exhaustion and resent you because a second income is needed for the house. Sounds like she's a lazy bum who wants someone to maintain her. And she has a gambling addiction on top? So you work and she gambles your hard worked money? This would be a huge deal breaker for me, instantly.

A good mother? No. She yells at the children and she has no patience? not acceptable. I've known a woman like this - all the time on chat rooms (a different addiction), spending her time with strangers on the internet, screaming at her son all the time because being a mother interrupted her from her selfish activities. I felt so sorry for the husband: nice decent man,hard-working, same like you, sole provider for the family, the only one who had patience with the kid. I asked him why he keeps her around. Now i'm asking you the same question.

Why do you choose to live this way? Don't you think you deserve a woman who treats you right, who showers you with love, who is willing to be your partner, who can share the financial burden and lift you up to stability? A woman who doesn't look to eat your money, but to put the same effort to built something with you? Your wife is not such woman. Is it not time you see that?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree that if this is all accurate there is nothing to save. You don't have a marriage. And your wife is being horrible to your kids and to you. 

You can love her but when a woman is gone...she's gone. I'm sorry to say you should prepare for the worst.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I can't add anything more than what has already been said but did you ever explain to her that you would have been around more if you didn't have to work so much paying off HER gambling debts??? 

Honest to god, I don't understand how people are so ignorant to the consequences of their own actions!! 

This post got under my skin this morning. I feel for ya buddy.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> It sounds as though it could be a case of postnatal depression in part. My cousin's wife was similar. They are ok now but it did take time.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree:

If she won't go to a Dr. to get her hormones checked, try getting her on some omega 3 and calcium, this has been know to help with post partum and depression. There are also some good herbs available and seeing an acupuncturist who also works with Chinese herbs could help.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Firstly, stop blaming "depression."

Most clinically depressed people are sad & quiet. Rages & verbally abusing husbands & children are not common depression symptoms.

You cannot "fix" your wife nor can you dx her. Forget about marriage counseling right now. I suspect that your wife has another mental illness, possibly a personality disorder that the GA was co-existing with. Once her "fix" was removed, then she was left with her own demons.

The other possibility is no mental illness. She could simply be an angry, abusive person that will only change with intense counseling & anger management & that may not even work.

Personally, I feel that your young children need to be removed from her abuse but I know that is nearly impossible w/o a physical and/or neglectful component legally.

She needs the right professional help. Keep insisting on it.

Your children are counting on you to be their hero.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

AndyDufresne said:


> Hello all - I'm new to these boards and looking for a little advice.
> 
> I've been married 6 years, with 2 children (ages 4 and 2). My wife is a compulsive gambler (since well before we met) and her therapist believes she is suffering from depression. The gambling isn't as much a problem (for me) as the lying about her whereabouts time and time again when she went to go gamble. The gambling has subsided since we've had children, and my wife goes to GA meetings on a regular basis. The gambling has predictably led to us having financial issues.
> 
> ...


Have you talked to family or close friends about any of this? What have they said? how did they feel about you marrying an addict?

I don't think this is something you can WILL to get better. She has to be in it with you and she's clearly not.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Speak to an attorney.
Stop all automatic deposits where she can withdraw money.
Cut all non-essential expenses. 
Get her drunk.
Tattoo the words "Do not marry me" on her back.
Eat a juicy steak.
Make copies of all important documents.

Ok maybe eating a steak is not something you need to do right now but think about it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Firstly, stop blaming "depression."
> 
> Most clinically depressed people are sad & quiet. Rages & verbally abusing husbands & children are not common depression symptoms.
> 
> ...




Great post. Its sad how many folks explain away abuse with "depression" or some other mental ailment.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Firstly, stop blaming "depression."
> 
> Most clinically depressed people are sad & quiet. Rages & verbally abusing husbands & children are not common depression symptoms.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

AndyDufresne said:


> I’m willing to do all the work, but I’m looking for any advice that anyone has. I’m looking for some hope.


That's why she feels the liesure to abuse: you're willing to do all the work.

Why row the boat when someone else volunteers to do it all? The abuse, I agree with others: no excuse for it. Stop putting up with it.


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## AndyDufresne (Jul 18, 2013)

Thanks for all of the responses! You can't imagine how refreshing and helpful it is to get other (unbiased) viewpoints. After living through this for so many years, most friends/family are too close to the situation and not able to give me well thought-out advice. My family resents her for the way she treats me, and my conversations with them on the subject are not productive.

I think my wanting to stay in the marriage is based on a few factors. One, I'd really like to see her continue with her therapy and stick with some type of medication on a consistent basis, and see if that changes anything. I know you can't really change someone, but there truly was a time (pre-kids) where she was essentially a completely different person. One poster pointed out that that was when she had her gambling "fix" and that fact was discussed during one of her therapy sessions, so I recognize that this angry and disrespectful person may just be who she is/was all along and I just didn't see it the first few years of our relationship.

Two, and this relates to the wonderful post by Emerald, I just can't leave to chance that our kids would be raised solely (or mostly) by her. I do need to be the hero for our kids, and I've thought about that a lot. I know couples with kids go through divorces all the time, but I just can't fathom not waking up and seeing my kids every morning and putting them to bed every night, and showing them the right way in life. I do feel that I need to be their shield and raise them the right way. And, if through therapy and/or medication, my wife is able to tackle her demons through time, then that's an added bonus.

The issues with post-partum, PMDD and other hormonal problems was discussed with at least one of her psychiatrists (from what she's said), but those geniuses decided not to prescribe anything for her. Again, not being there, I just don't know what was said. I continue to insist to make sure I'm present during every session.

I do feel she's getting misguided support from some GA members, too. Despite it being G"A", she tells me all the time what is discussed during those meetings, and what (negative) things the people there say about me, when she tells them about our situation. As if telling me this is going to make anything better! I am going to continue to insist on her getting the right professional help, and hopefully that works.

In the meantime, unfortunately, the abuse will probably continue and I'll try not to engage in any arguments with her. I feel that for the most part, we're essentially "roommates". I will still (for the time being) hold out hope. Thanks again for all of the advice (and future advice) - from the bottom of my heart it's so nice to hear some input!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I used to be your wife and kids made me worse. And trying to work while raising kids...OMG that made me VERY angry.

What I didn't know then was my diagnosis is PTSD (aka a stress disorder). There are limits to what I can handle and kids make me crazy. Literally.

Only difference in me is I WANTED to get better. Your wife doesn't and you can't make her do it.

I'm better now....much much better but I've also done a TON of work to heal.

I can already tell that the biggest mistake you're making is the enabling. As long as you prevent her from crashing and hitting rock bottom she will NEVER change. My husband NEVER tried to save me. Nope he avoided me and left me to deal with my chaos. And honestly he saved my life and today I'm eternally grateful for that.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

AndyDufresne said:


> I just can't leave to chance that our kids would be raised solely (or mostly) by her. I do need to be the hero for our kids, and I've thought about that a lot. I know couples with kids go through divorces all the time, but I just can't fathom not waking up and seeing my kids every morning and putting them to bed every night, and showing them the right way in life.


Even if the inherent bias against men still exists in divorce courts, I can't see any judge giving full custody to a woman who is in therapy, taking anti-depressive meds, and constantly yelling at her children. 

Also, ask yourself this. How much are your children enjoying seeing their parents fighting or their mother abusing their father? I grew up in that situation, and I would have preferred it if my parents had divorced.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Personally I think the word "abuse" is overused. What some people find "abusive" and others don't can very wildly. Some people can't stand being yelled at and consider it abusive. Some people don't know how to deal with people who are quiet and withdrawn in their anger and feel like that is abusive. 

If your wife is blowing up over every "little thing" I would venture to guess that those are situations where she is desperately trying to feel in control over something. Also I would caution you to make sure that you and the children haven't developed passive aggressive responses to her attitude. Two wrongs don't make a right. Also if you are always stepping in to diffuse a situation you are depriving her and the children coming to terms in their own relationship. Sure they shouldn't have to "suffer" for her poor behaviour on the other hand it's impossible to "shield" them forever and your interference could be making things worse. You need to find out what your bottom line position is. Tell her, for instance, that you will back her up on almost anything with the kids but that you will not tolerate violence or yelling. And follow through even if you don't always agree with her choices in raising the kids. Be consistent.

Anger is usually a signal that personal boundaries have not been set. With her GA she may feel that she has no control over any part of her life. I would highly suggest that she find a GA therapist instead of a group setting.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> After living through this for so many years, most friends/family are too close to the situation and not able to give me well thought-out advice. My family resents her for the way she treats me, and my conversations with them on the subject are not productive.


I'm not surprised.

They feel like we do here and you're not open to changing anything on your end to improve the situation. Leaving it to her is a mistake.


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