# It's Been a Week...



## guy_named_tony (Sep 15, 2011)

It's been about a week since I last posted about my relationship problem. I have been trying hard to do things appropriately and do things that my girlfriend/fiancee has asked of me to help better the situation between us. I have done more in the chores and even folded clothes today for the first time in ages. Now, I do many chores around the house, but clothes is just one thing I hate to do. 

Anyhow, I also had bought breakfast for her and the kids and thought it was a nice treat. I mistakenly forgot to buy her what she likes for breakfast, again, and for some reason I had thought she would like one thing and instead I was wrong, again. Now it's not a huge set of choices, but each time I for some reason think she wants item A instead of B. Back on topic, she outright becomes mad with me and becomes dismissive of anything I try to do after. I tell her I would make her breakfast, or go get what she wanted, but she remains in a, pardon my language, pissed off mood and won't let me forget it. So I decided to leave her alone and went to bed(as I work all night and have to sleep in the mornings).

Before then, there has been a mass of stress wearing me down. With the relationship issues, I have had a cavity in my tooth that has been killing me for a couple weeks due to no insurance from work so I had to wait a while to get this appointment set up. Not to mention my mom decided to bring up old issues she and my girlfriend had years ago and had decided to bring that up out of no where. I am not a fan of drama. I hate it, it's the most pointless thing in the world. But at that point, before I knew it I had chunked my poor cell phone at a wall and punched a hole in another wall out of anger of all the stress hitting at once. 

I quite frankly at this point began to contemplate suicide. I wasn't sure what to do. Not only was my physical health going down the tube, but it seemed I can do no right to help the situation between me and my fiancee. I am horrifically stressed out and I have been talking with family and calming down the past few days and really taking more time in with my kids and doing more with them to take my mind off things. I feel the severity of the situation is best described in the first sentence of this paragraph and fear that whatever means I take right now will simply delay that result. I love my kids, but I can't keep doing this with her and each time she tells me she wants things to be better, if I mess up in the slightest way, I get ridiculed for it. 

I need some serious help....


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Tony,

It sounds as if you realized your relationship was in trouble, that you are taking responsibility and making attempts to improve things. I'm wondering if you are taking too much of the responsibility, and I'm also wondering what SHE is doing in regard to her part?

But let's put this relationship on the back burner for a minute. YOU are falling apart, you are stressed, caving in to violent acts due to the pressure you are feeling (punching walls, throwing cell phones...). If you don't take care of yourself first, get some inner strength, power and personal peace regardless of what is going on around you, you simply aren't going to be any good for yourself or others.

I hear you spending time with family, calming down and spending time with your kids. What else are you doing for you?


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## guy_named_tony (Sep 15, 2011)

Well, that's it so far. I have been playing video games which has always been a stress reliever, but it is only another thing she gets angry with me about. I understand I can get into them at times and trust me I know I played them a lot when she and I first got together. After we found out she was pregnant with our daughter a couple years ago, I went from gaming 6-8 hours a day, to maybe 1-2 while she was pregnant. 

After the baby was born I stopped altogether and focused on what I needed to. But as she got older, I felt that it was ok to play some video games within reason. But any time I get on it, it's an automatic recipe for disaster. 

So at the moment, it's just really taking in what I can when I can.


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## guy_named_tony (Sep 15, 2011)

It's hard to communicate her part of the situation. I am sure if I could see all of her views on the issues we are having I could say I can make some leeway to help the situation along. But it's everything now is not up to her standard. For example, I had asked her what she wanted to do for dinner yesterday afternoon and she said to pick something up to eat because she napped til about 6pm when we usually make dinner. So I asked her a few times what she wanted and I had suggested pizza. She didn't want pizza so I asked her what she wanted again. Eventually she said pizza was fine. I brought home a pizza and she wouldn't eat it. She does this to me a lot where she makes me decide where to go and turns around and says 'no I don't like this...or that'...and ends up where everything I suggest is not what she wants. So I tell her to pick and she says 'I don't know...' and I get mad because she won't make her mind up on what she wants to eat. It's such a simple but stupid thing to have to fight over and it only makes things worst.


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## guy_named_tony (Sep 15, 2011)

Some personal things about me that could possibly help those reading this give me some help:

1. I am not a trusting person. I do not find the average person to be worth trust or should I give them the option to do wrong to me. That's not to say I won't talk to them in a professional, casual, or personal manner depending on the circumstances. I am actually a regular cut up and make people laugh to be honest. Most people find me likable, others just don't like me at all. 

2. I am very analytical. I do more analyzing when I first meet someone than I participate in the conversation if multiple people are involved. I wouldn't say I am standoffish, but more so just observant.

3. You could say I am over-protective of my kids. If we plan to put the kids in daycare and something in the news pops on about daycare providers abusing kids, I refuse to put the kids in any afterwards. I feel that they don't need that type of danger and I am pretty sure granted the circumstances of things right now how I am acting, whose to say what I would do if something happened to my kids, especially my daughter.

4. I am typically passive. I don't find the need to involve myself in trivial things. I am willing to help a person whose car stalled out and move it out of the road, or perhaps give a homeless person some water or a few bucks if I have it. I wouldn't say I am cold hearted, I feel I am compassionate and empathetic when I am able to do something about the situation. I have a strong sense of righteousness as well.

Hopefully this can help....maybe it is me or how I am about things making things harder. As for my fiancee, it's just hard to state what mind frame she is in right now for me to post any kind of educated guess to help that part of the equation.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

funny how a meal can make or break a marriage. I've learned to cook pretty good and often am able to amaze my wife to a point where she speechless and just gazes at me with loving eyes,,,,, other times I put to much salt and it's an eye of why did I ever marry you kinda look.


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## guy_named_tony (Sep 15, 2011)

I'm not a great dinner cook. Breakfast, I can tear up that stove and cook some awesome dishes. But not dinner. I do a lot of out of the box cooking then.

She feels I can do better than what I am doing now though. Work is one thing. But it's not like I can just up and find another job. I don't think many people can just up and find a job as it is right now.

She also wants me to go to school, which involves paperwork....a lot of it which I am terrible at filling out. But even so I don't think we can afford it. 

She says I have no determination or ambition. I am ambitious enough to make sure my kids have food to eat and clothes on their backs. They also get nice birthdays and Christmas presents every year. 

I think I do my job well, but it's never enough for her.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Good news and bad news. The bad news is that your fiance fell out of love with you. They don't come back. You can give yourself the hardest 180 in the existence of the universe, and it won't help. She will always see the old Tony and fear it's arrival back into your life. She's gone. How many people do you see break up and eventually get back together? Not many, I know. And those that do are apart. They long for the good about that person they once loved. You? she see's you every day and night. All of the bad gets reinforced. Look around for posts where a woman falls out of love with her husband but gets back together. Go ahead. I'll wait...

...Nothing, right? See.

Now the good news. You caught it early. You guys can go your own ways and find someone to make yourselves happy. Had my wife left me when this happened to her 10-15 years ago, it would have crushed me. I'd have been devastated, but we'd both be onto our new lives by now and happy. I'm stuck in my miserable, loveless sexless marriage. You have an option. Go now. It'll be hard, but you need to.

Beleve it or not, I envy you.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

guy_named_tony said:


> It's been about a week since I last posted about my relationship problem. I have been trying hard to do things appropriately and do things that my girlfriend/fiancee has asked of me to help better the situation between us. I have done more in the chores and even folded clothes today for the first time in ages. Now, I do many chores around the house, but clothes is just one thing I hate to do.
> 
> Anyhow, I also had bought breakfast for her and the kids and thought it was a nice treat. I mistakenly forgot to buy her what she likes for breakfast, again, and for some reason I had thought she would like one thing and instead I was wrong, again. Now it's not a huge set of choices, but each time I for some reason think she wants item A instead of B. Back on topic, she outright becomes mad with me and becomes dismissive of anything I try to do after. I tell her I would make her breakfast, or go get what she wanted, but she remains in a, pardon my language, pissed off mood and won't let me forget it. So I decided to leave her alone and went to bed(as I work all night and have to sleep in the mornings).
> 
> ...


Don't ever be afraid to ask for help! It wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone. A counselor, a preacher, a family member. I know it is hard. I've dealt with depression for many years. And the problems in my marriage have just multiplied and I feel like I'm falling back into that "dark hole". But, then I realize that there are people who are in worse situations than me. Try to see the bright side. Do something that makes you feel good!! And don't be afraid to talk to someone! I hope you find the help you are needing!


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

What attempt is she making? It sounds as if she's behaving like a spoiled brat and that you are jumping through hoops - only encouraging more spoiled behavior. 

What is she doing? Is she a stay at home mom? How is she spending her time? It sounds as if her unhappiness is based a lot around her own issues, but you are the easiest target to blame. But you can't make her happy, you can be loving, kind, and considerate, but only she can make herself happy.

As far as the little games, expecting you to read her mind about dinner is something that isn't fair for you. Next time if she says "I don't know" say "Well, I know you like a, b, or c - which one do you prefer tonight? Then have her write specifically what she wants". That way you aren't setting yourself up for failure.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

guy_named_tony said:


> Some personal things about me that could possibly help those reading this give me some help:
> 
> 1. I am not a trusting person. I do not find the average person to be worth trust or should I give them the option to do wrong to me. That's not to say I won't talk to them in a professional, casual, or personal manner depending on the circumstances. I am actually a regular cut up and make people laugh to be honest. Most people find me likable, others just don't like me at all.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you could be my psychological Twin. The only thing you didn't mention was my reclusive nature. 

Taurus? That's a Taurus personality if I ever heard one. 

I would put the wedding on hold until you determine if you two truly are compatible. Marriage does take effort, but it has to be effort from both partners equally. Although were only getting one side of the story, It seems as if the effort is only one sided. 

Your a people watcher and a frighteningly good judge of character. Time to step away emotionally and start observing your girl. try and see clearly whats there. You may be pleasantly surprised, or you may not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its never enough for your wife b/c she knows you will kiss her butt until it is. Well it may be time to show her that with out appreciation she will get nothing.

Stop being Mr. Nice Guy. respect is commanded and when you kneel down to her each time she is unhappy then a little more respect is taken. 

You are a good provider and she doesn't appreciate it so stand up for your self and tell her you are. 

Stop being affriad to lose your marriage, she has your number and will continue to emotional black mail you until she sees a new man that is confident and is willing to tell her what she doesn't want to her.

Its my opinion in once you calmly and firmly tell her how you will no longer be dominated by negitive BS and if she feels you are not good enought then she is welcome to leave. If she want to be married to you she needs to be appreciative or she can get a taste of what it will be like with out you.

Be prepared to be labeled controlling when you start the new you additude, but again it is her choice to either stay or leave but you will not be dominated.

You are slowly losing your self and letting your W define who you are, Time to man up and with that comes responsiblity, being supportive and in the same breath telling her what you think if she likes it or not. Again you are not controling her she can choice to stay with the new you, but you must stop letting her have her way it will take the respect she has for you away little by little.

Generaly speaking people respect poeple why stick up for them selves, there by commanding respect. This doesn't mean you have to be unfair or unreasonable, just calm firm and controled, not rising your voice and miantaining a civil engagment to disagree with her.

I have a feeling you are apologizing and begging way to much when you should be acknowledging her feeling and stating yours in a calm and firm voice.

In doing this it will for sure make her second guess what battles/issues to pick from. Right now she knows there will never be a battle/issue that she won't win so she continues to manage you and get her way.

Do you think if she knew you were going to give her back some sh!t for b~tching about getting pancakes instead of eggs she would have said anything?
No she would have stayed quite and excepted the effort, knowing you would let her have it for not being appreciative.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

to me it just seems her way of controlling you. can you sit her down and talk to her in a calm manner and say i would like us to talk and be civil about it. 
sit down and tell her look i know i have done things in my past that upset you and maybe did it for so long that you dont notice the good things that i am trying to do now for you and our family. i am really trying for us. But how you make me feel when you yell or get pissed off with me over minor mistakes is unbearable sometimes. i realises i made a mistake with your breakfast or watever u have done and i tried to fix it but you would not take my apology or let me fix it. you need to both commuincate your issues with each other both taking turns on who speaks and no interupting. maybe you can both read a book on commuincation together. If you cant commuincate then you have issues and need to see a counsellor. To me all this sounds like is bad commuincation on both parts. you both need to listen and not just listen HEAR and understand what that person is saying to you. most of the time we can listen and parrot off what they said but not really understand or hear what they really said. interupting just causes more frustrations so before you talk mention this to her and keep in mind yourself. You would like to talk and you would like her to hear what you have to say and then she can talk and you will listen to what she says and work on a compromise. Being abusive is not good for the kids to be around and mental abuse is just as bad as physical. yelling in front of kids is bad. Hope this helps you. We all have a path and suicide is not part of that path. we sometimes have bumps and many bumps in our path but those bumps can be smoothed out. Just keep strong and keep around friends and family. Remember your kids need you.


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## guy_named_tony (Sep 15, 2011)

Mindful Coach said:


> What attempt is she making? It sounds as if she's behaving like a spoiled brat and that you are jumping through hoops - only encouraging more spoiled behavior.
> 
> What is she doing? Is she a stay at home mom? How is she spending her time? It sounds as if her unhappiness is based a lot around her own issues, but you are the easiest target to blame. But you can't make her happy, you can be loving, kind, and considerate, but only she can make herself happy.
> 
> As far as the little games, expecting you to read her mind about dinner is something that isn't fair for you. Next time if she says "I don't know" say "Well, I know you like a, b, or c - which one do you prefer tonight? Then have her write specifically what she wants". That way you aren't setting yourself up for failure.


She works full time during the day and I work at night. Lately she has been wanting to 'go out' with her friends from work, her brother, or her sister to a pool hall. I don't bother with the specifics. This is maybe 2 times a month or so. Other times she reads her books or plays with our daughter while watching tv. 

She does go and spend time with her family every so often, recently having breakfast with her step mom. 

I have to say though I have tried some of this stuff and I am hoping for the best.

She had asked me to get some breakfast from the same place I usually go and I replied to her, 'hell no, that place has been the bane of my existence.' Insinuating each time I get something from there it causes nothing but problems with me getting the wrong thing. 

She said specifically what she wanted and there was no problems after.



Some following up, after trying to get the tooth issue taken care of, I came back home and she had asked if I wanted to go with her and my daughter to go run errands. Instead of saying 'no' and staying home and playing games, I said 'yes, I'll have something to look forward to today.' She asked what I was talking about and I had said 'spending time with you two'. Her response was a laugh and 'yea right, you never like to do that'. So I told her I rather stay home now because she did that. I told her what lengths I had been going through to help us and she got upset about responding that way and apologized. Eventually the day went on for the better even though we had to hash that out.

But she keeps doing things such as last night we were watching tv together and she kept asking me 'what we were doing'. I jokingly replied we were watching tv and I knew what she meant. She won't let go of our past mistakes no matter how hard I try to help the situation.

This has been going on for about a year or so.


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## dearhusband (Aug 22, 2011)

I am not a master of the happy marriage. That said, having once been a huge gamer (I used to rank top ten world wide in kills per minute in half-life...) and knowing the life story of many other gaming friends...

Sell the console and take the games off of the computer. For a stress reliever start hitting the gym, playing sports, or building / fixing stuff.

This will show her more change and seriousness in you than just about anything else you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

guy_named_tony said:


> She works full time during the day and I work at night. Lately she has been wanting to 'go out' with her friends from work, her brother, or her sister to a pool hall. I don't bother with the specifics. This is maybe 2 times a month or so. Other times she reads her books or plays with our daughter while watching tv.
> 
> She does go and spend time with her family every so often, recently having breakfast with her step mom.
> 
> ...


This helps to put some light on things. Her comment about how you never want to go anywhere with them and how she is holding onto the past - she probably sees that you are trying now, but she is afraid to trust it. Past hurt and lack of trust is coming out in disagreeable ways. Continue to stand up for yourself, but be loving about it - it's her pain that is causing her to be more difficult to get along with and that will pass as things get better.

Have you taken time to really sit down and talk with her and let her know, not how much you are trying and all the things you are doing - but how strongly you feel about reconnecting with her, that you miss her and are very serious about doing your part to create a loving and happy relationship with her? It may take some daily reminders from you to help assure her that you aren't going to slip into ways that felt neglectful to her. 

Oh, and the comment about completely doing away with the games - that was a great idea. Perhaps instead of completely getting rid of them though, you could just refrain from playing when she is home. That way you will still be able to enjoy activities you like, but it won't trigger those past hurt feelings that she is still acting out on.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

guy_named_tony said:


> It's hard to communicate her part of the situation. I am sure if I could see all of her views on the issues we are having I could say I can make some leeway to help the situation along. But it's everything now is not up to her standard. For example, I had asked her what she wanted to do for dinner yesterday afternoon and she said to pick something up to eat because she napped til about 6pm when we usually make dinner. So I asked her a few times what she wanted and I had suggested pizza. She didn't want pizza so I asked her what she wanted again. Eventually she said pizza was fine. I brought home a pizza and she wouldn't eat it. She does this to me a lot where she makes me decide where to go and turns around and says 'no I don't like this...or that'...and ends up where everything I suggest is not what she wants. So I tell her to pick and she says 'I don't know...' and I get mad because she won't make her mind up on what she wants to eat. It's such a simple but stupid thing to have to fight over and it only makes things worst.



Have you ever asked her why she places such importance on whether you get these petty things 'right'?,, My husband annoys me in many ways these days, but that he picked up the wrong take out food wouldn't even be on my radar.


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