# Cheater V Cheated - In this forum!



## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Hello

Firstly a warning that this is a long, long post. I’m sorry for that but found it necessary to get the facts down as best I can. Here you go...

I came across a thread this morning which was of great interest to me as I discovered it was started by my wife - going by the username of 'toblame'. I use OpenDNS which my wife knows about so I wonder if this thread was started with the intention of knowing I’d read it?

Firstly I felt disappointment that neither of us would now be able to have a private place to go to discuss our issue’s as our story’s are so obvious and identifiable (to each other), but now I just feel disappointment at the way she has portrayed me and how several posters posted comments against me (obviously not knowing I was a member) and that my wife never took a chance to correct things – she was perfectly happy to let the comments against me continue knowing well they were inaccurate. 

I certainly do not intend this thread to insult or offend her but I do feel a need to correct or justify several inaccuracies which she has posted, of course there will always be differences in how we both perceive something to be. 

Some of the reply posts in her thread were of very little value (only serving to focus aggro at her) so please keep this civil as I too was and still am a Loyal Spouse but I don’t wish our threads to be used to vent your personal anger. 

Our separate posts are as below (it’s a pity her thread was closed or I’d have put this there):
(LS) My post - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/22345-i-still-cant-move-after-her-affair.html

(WS) toblame’s post - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29117-i-cheated-have-ruined-everything.html

I’ll break down the points I disagree on in the next post for easier reading.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Firstly, it was SEVEN years not eight. Trivial I know but it shows me her lack of consideration to such devastating detail. We got married eight years ago.

“I couldn’t bear to go out with a slapper” – of course I couldn’t. Facts now – At the very start we had only spoke once or twice in the passing on the street, more cheeky flirting than speaking. I was at a country dance sitting in a pickup truck (blacked out windows –I was young!) with a friend when we got approached by this young girl (toblame) on her own who said “Oh, it’s you. Can I have a lift” I said yes then she asked if her 2 male friends could jump in the back. Only a couple of miles away the males get out then unnecessarily and out of the blue she says “I shag*ed him” (while pointing to one of them). Neither my friend nor I replied but we were rather shocked. 
So when after some time we did get together as boyfriend/girlfriend I didn’t want toblame to feel that she had to try to be a more mature or experienced girl than she actually was, that I wanted her to know that I was happy with her being an innocent 16 years old. Obviously I now know that I chose the wrong method in that I said that I didn’t want a ‘girlfriend who was a slapper’. 
And so what – this was all before me right. Yes, but – she proceeded then to tell me that I was actually her first, and due to her other innocence’s and naivety I thought this to be likely. Roll on some month’s toblame tells me I have passed on an infection to her – I go to the doctor and get the all clear ‘twice’. Toblame still maintained I was her first so I actually attend HER doctors with her to ask how this can be (he actually stuttered and blurted out some sh*te obviously realising he would be dropping her in it if he said the truth – major malpractice I’d say), but then toblame admits there was actually 'one' male before me – the one who was in the pickup. I was all confused, but it was all before me so that was that. In January this year she informs me there was actually also another – it was before meeting me, but still hopefully shows her capability to lie for all those years and also why I now after all this time am still struggling with what she has done, and and still is doing.

The sex issue’s - yes toblame, there has been several instances where you turned me on and excited me so much that I didn’t last as long as you’d have liked. But if you read the Men’s forums you will see loads of posts on this topic and loads of suggestions. But you never let me continue to try to please you. You never let us try any methods which may or may not have helped. Once I was done, that was it – you never discussed this as being a big issue, and I never really realised it was until VERY recently when we discussed it. I just thought you had an extremely low sex drive whereas I had very high and you just accommodated me – do you remember saying things like “just please don’t take long”, so I accommodated you as well. To potential posters – we both now know this was never good for a healthy marriage so we don’t really need told so. This I know could be a reason why she cheated in the first place.

“one night when he was away I was having a few drinks with friends and out of the blue and totally unplanned I cheat on him.” – ok. What he has told me happened was that four of you were all drinking and having fun when you suggested going next door to our house to get a dance-mat game, but could he come as well (why, well we can only guess...). Once you were both in the house he was sitting on the floor changing the batteries when you leaned over and kissed him. He pulled back but you intimated what could happen – Yes, toblame, this IS what he said. Of course you both went back to his house and waited until his wife and other friend went to bed before you invited him back to our house for some rather obvious events. That’d really be pretty tempting wouldn’t it – a ‘sure thing’ who will be guaranteed to keep her mouth shut!

Transparency – yes you have been. But we both know that he got himself a second mobile phone and you didn’t think you needed to as you were on pre-pay, but you didn’t realise I could get hold of the phone records anyway. What I’m getting at is that you have proven that you are capable of going underground, so it’d be wasting my time looking at anything which you know I can see (same goes to others out there – if your cheating spouse knows you can see emails, phone or anything else then don’t bother – they probably already have another email address or pre-pay phone etc.)

I’m controlling – hang on now, I’m controlling because I didn’t let you get a cat? The previous owners of our house had a dog and it took several years for the stench to leave the house, in fact in parts we can still smell the stench. I, like many many others do not like pets in the house. After posting that did you not consider that we currently have a cat? And that this is actually 1 out of 4 (2 got run over by a car and 1 was given to us but went back to its previous owner). Or that you have had 3 rabbits? 1 died from starvation (yes it was you who wanted it wand was going to look after it – I even built it a run with a shelter!). What about the numerous fish? The hamster? The lies must end sometime.
For the controlling bit I will accept that toblame may consider me controlling in finances. I do not intend this to insult, but it needs said to explain where she gets that from. I have tried nearly all through our time together where we have shared finances to include toblame in what is happening with banking and mortgages etc. She has always just said to me that she doesn’t understand any of it and would prefer for me to deal with it, and just let her have access to what she needs. My preference has ALWAYS to be as open and transparent with this as I know I could never not know about our finances myself. The fact is that toblame left school with virtually no qualifications (not a problem to me) and really does not understand financial stuff so I had little choice but to deal with it all.
In ALL marriages there will be one of the couples who would generally take lead with different areas of a marriage, but the fact is that I get accused of being controlling for taking control of the parts that toblame never wanted.

And of course the supposed Post-Nuptial agreement that all the thread posters thought terrible. Firstly in the country where we are, post-nuptials have no legal status. What toblame is referring to in various bits of her posts is that in 2005 I thought we were separating so we moved the house into my name in preparation (‘WE’ also opened single bank accounts etc.) – but a matrimonial property is jointly owned in the courts eyes irrelevant of who’s name it is in. We stayed together (for reasons attempted to be explained throughout my other thread) and had our ups, and plenty of downs. What about now – well only last January did my wife expose several lies which have opened a new can of worms, the type of lies that prove she had emotions for him even when sober (she always maintains he felt nothing for him, but I’d say that walking up a road for a mile or so with his arm around you after you’d crashed the car you were both in must’ve involves some sort of emotion??? – the fact that this particular road headed to nowhere other than a well known local shag*ing ground). Now, we are actually discussing a proper legal separation document which I consider necessary due to the fact that the law where I am distributes assets 50:50 then another share for the parent with child care – up to 75/80% in total can be asked for. I only consider that I had a 13 month marriage to what my wife has agreed with me that she would likely still have been a shop assistant on minimum wage and likely still paying rent for a property (unless meeting a different husband). Now, not intending bragging, but she now lives in a large house in the country with large garden, we own and rent out a property and also she wants for very little due to the fact that I work away from home for half of my life and earn a 6 figure (USD equivalent) salary. Ever since we first spoke of marriage I put her name on all bank accounts and even on the large house we bought as I wanted her to be my wife, I wanted her to have everything I could give her. She abused that. 
So what now? I have NEVER asked her to sign her rights away from the assets. Where that stems from is during the night that I discovered her affair she asked if I wanted her to leave, and we started discussing separation finances. SHE herself told me that I wasn’t to blame for what she’s done (I’ve tried many times to get her to blame me, just so I can find a reason for what she did) and that she didn’t think it was fair to take away what I had provided – while legally irrelevant, prior to marriage we agreed that it was morally right that whoever caused a marriage breakdown should bear the brunt of blame and cost. I am only now considering the fact that I could have walked away after my 13month marriage with virtually all I have provided still intact. Now, as each year passes I can see that I am potentially working my life with the prospect that we are likely to separate and I will then lose potentially 50 – 80%. I need to limit this financial damage.

I’m sure there could be more but I’ve had enough. I bet many haven’t even got this far anyway due to boredom, and those who may have may well think I am some sort of controlling low-life. So be it, but what has to be remembered is that I have stuck by my wife through everything as agree’d in another legal document – a marriage certificate.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Personally I am not going to go back and play historical accuracy. Even though threads stay until deleted, they represent a point in time of people trying to achieve coherency for themselves in a time of emotional turmoil. If you know your own truth that is cool. Nobody who is of any emotional maturity reads any post and takes it as truth. I even realize that for myself, I post things sometimes that I experience and appreciate when I get posts in return that are difficult for me to read...when I don't want to read something and find myself closing it and moving on to something 'easier' to swallow, I force myself to go back and read the stuff that I disagree with in a knee-jerk way. I figure if it pushes my emotional buttons there is a reason and by golly I'm going to get to the bottom of THAT. I didn't come here to be RIGHT or JUSTIFIED, I came here to make my life better. That is a messy process. So I encourage you to leave the texts as they are and to deal instead with your feelings of need to get history right. I mean, come on, everyone even knows that history is controlled by the people who write the textbooks, stuff gets edited out depending whose country the story comes from. This is not news to anyone who is a thinking adult with a basic education. Surely you can spend your time here more constructively? Anything you write is going to stay here, including your documentation of all the time you spent trying to solidify and consolidate water that passed under a bridge in what in the subconscious realm of emotional life, was in prehistoric time, some of that water has vaporized and rained down in completely different aquifers. You can't gather every single drop and account for it. There is not truth. There is only now.
I am not interested in rehashes of how people strive to achieve coherency in their own personal history. I'd be more likely to print everything out, take it out to my fire pit, and turn it all into smoke and ashes on your behalf.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Nice to know I'm not the only poster who's OH is also a member. I rarely post on my own thread and never have posted on his. I think I'm going to leave this site. Good luck to you HungUp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'll go on record and say that at this point having you both on the forum airing dirty laundry will not be very productive for either of you.

While the forum is specifically made for anonymous people to do just that (air their problems and get advice/support)- you two now know who each other are and will look to one up each other or gain sympathy points in a rather futile game. 

There's a reason why people who go thru MC also go thru IC separately. IOW, I just don't think that this is a good place for the MC to take place. At least not in the way it's going now.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll go on record and say that at this point having you both on the forum airing dirty laundry will not be very productive for either of you.
> 
> While the forum is specifically made for anonymous people to do just that (air their problems and get advice/support)- you two now know who each other are and will look to one up each other or gain sympathy points in a rather futile game.
> 
> There's a reason why people who go thru MC also go thru IC separately. IOW, I just don't think that this is a good place for the MC to take place. At least not in the way it's going now.


There's also the whole two sides to every story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle adage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll go on record and say that at this point having you both on the forum airing dirty laundry will not be very productive for either of you.
> 
> While the forum is specifically made for anonymous people to do just that (air their problems and get advice/support)- you two now know who each other are and will look to one up each other or gain sympathy points in a rather futile game.
> 
> There's a reason why people who go thru MC also go thru IC separately. IOW, I just don't think that this is a good place for the MC to take place. At least not in the way it's going now.


This is correct. I also addressed this in my third paragraph in the first post - neither of us can now come here without knowing the other will read it. It now has no benefit.

It was never my intention to air our dirty laundry. I just felt it unfair for my wife 'toblame' to come on here and tell even more lies. In all of my posts I have endeavoured to tell the truth even if it means I get a hard time. Lies are never constructive in this environment.

I never wrote it above, but I'd already decided my time here is done. It is neither good for me, nor my wife being here. I do actually still love her.

toblame certainly is not a Troll, but she sure is leading you guys down a path of sh*te.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

HungUp said:


> toblame certainly is not a Troll, but she sure is leading you guys down a path of sh*te.


I think most people on this forum are not being led anywhere they don't want to go. That is the point of being here.

It's difficult for me to understand why you care what people think about her, or you. It comes across as crazy obsessive impulsive behavior. Like you are out of control or something. Spending all that time reading posts and then trying to set some kind of record straight.

I disagree with the poster who said the truth is somewhere in between the two sides. It's not, it's so far out there somewhere scattered into little bits and pieces that it has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship, in the past, present, or future.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think most people on this forum are not being led anywhere they don't want to go. That is the point of being here.
> 
> It's difficult for me to understand why you care what people think about her, or you. It comes across as crazy obsessive impulsive behavior. Like you are out of control or something. Spending all that time reading posts and then trying to set some kind of record straight.


If I cared what people thought then I would have stayed anonymous.

If toblame had taken the points raised by the reply posters and pointed out that it was actually her who wanted to sign her rights to assets away then I would never have posted today. It just annoyed me knowing she sitting smug with the sympathy she was getting when it was for lies - if she'd put the facts to rest and accepted the genuine help she could have got on here then I would have been very happy.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I disagree with the poster who said the truth is somewhere in between the two sides. It's not, it's so far out there somewhere scattered into little bits and pieces that it has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship, in the past, present, or future.


I'm sorry but I don't think I understand this point. Is it that you think the truth doesn't really matter to me anyway?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It concerns me to see energy used this way. I have not read any of the posts. I get the feeling you think everyone is involved in this and that there is substantial sympathy offered, in an online forum where people get advice, that belief is of some concern. You do need someone to listen to you, I do not think it is about truth or being right or being wrong. I think you just want to be heard or held or to get something that you need but I do not think it is to be right or to hold truth. I hope you can find someone who will listen to your authentic fears and pain. If you bark up a tree it will scare the resident squirrels, but if your intention is to have a nice basket of blueberries to make a pie or pancakes then it's not just a matter of barking up the wrong tree. 

Some people scream a primal scream, some people scream by self-injury, other people scream by trying to set the record straight. It is still screaming, and where there is screaming, there is a definite communication, it is not about being right or truth. The message I receive without having to read the details of any of the situation (which I have not) is that when there is screaming someone has a need to be listened to, and it is not ever about what the screaming words are pointing at. It is usually something much more basic. Screaming here obviously is not going to get the response that you need. It is a start. But what I tell my daughter when she screams, is that I understand she is upset and hurt and needs to scream but that whatever set her off it is not usually what led to the screaming, in fact I hardly ever get her set straight by directly attempting to remedy the issue she was screaming about. It's a form of psychological gaslighting. 

Reconstruction of external truth, for me, points to avoidance of internal truths, maybe because of unbearable pain of realities I've been sidestepping. I usually catch myself when I find myself explaining stuff too much. because there is usually something much more substantial to be learned about looking inward into WHY I feel the need to explain things a certain way. It's a defense mechanism designed by me to protect myself from something I want to avoid knowing about myself.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I've read the threads - posted in Toblame's. IMO both of you need to get your hearts in or your [email protected]@'s out and stop flailing stuff at each other. It's just not productive and is a waste of energy. I don't mean that to be flip or to take sides - read my post in Toblame's thread, but the two of you need to pick a direction and get on with it. 

I wish you both luck.


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