# Body after second baby



## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

Hi everyone,

I first want to express my gratitude in finding this site. I've had a fair share of experiences in forums but none of them were quite like this one, where you're not limited on certain topics. Ease of use and navigation is also important to me when browsing a site in general and this site is great. I've lurked around for a bit reading topics and seeing the advice that's offered from many well minded people is awesome. 
Anyways, excuse my cheesiness but I'm glad to be here and I have also read the rules. 

Now to my topic. I'm a mother currently of one little boy who's aged 2 1/2. He turns 3 in a few short months. I am also 29 weeks pregnant with yet, another boy. I will be surrounded by men. O_O

I absolutely adore my first son. I dote on him and everything about him is just perfect and I wouldn't trade him for the world. That being said, I wasn't feeling very appreciative of my body after birth. I am a very small 21 year old woman, I always weigh at about 100 pounds and I'm 5'5 ish? I'm very thin but I have wide hips which is great for birthing. 
My first son was 9 1/2 pounds so it's safe to say my body definitely stretched. I only " showed " in my belly. No weight gain was anywhere else except my breasts obviously but you get the picture.
My tummy got stretch marks and I was depressed about it. I felt like they made my stomach look filthy/dirty and just " gross ". Even though my tummy went back to flat, I would look like I was pregnant every time I ate a large meal. Which made eating unappealing because I get gross. Apparently that's caused from weakened abdominal muscles.

I healed from my first son well. I had a diastisis recti after him which seemed to close right up after a while. My tummy went back to flat but my belly button " drooped " if that makes sense? The top of my belly button looked like an umbrella, lol. I had stretch marks which again, healed well. They are white and kind of hard to notice. 

I should be grateful. But I'm an insecure person very much so. 

Now that I'm pregnant again, I'm worried about what my body will look like after my second baby. I'm terrified of it looking terribly worse. I haven't seemed to get new stretch marks yet. But that doesn't mean it won't happen. 
I always hated the droop when I would bend over. Like all my stretched skin would just hang down. But when I stood up, it was flat. I didn't like my stomach at all and I'm afraid it's going to get worse.
More loose skin? More of an umbrella look to my belly button? I'm terrified. I'm 21 so I hear that young people heal very well and tend to regain their shape easily but I'm scared. 

I first got pregnant at 17, by accident. I was on birth control (the Nuva Ring) and it didn't work for me. I don't regret it but I can't say that I was ready to have a child. Despite that, I'm a great mom. Now I'm pregnant again. Again, don't regret it and I ADORE my unborn son. But I am very insecure about how I looked and how I will look after two kids. 

Is there anything I can do or am I essentially screwed and will have a life of stretch marks, loose skin and sagged skin for the rest of my life? I wasn't ready and I sometimes get depressed that that's how I look now. I definitely didn't appreciate how I looked pre pregnancy enough, that's for sure. 

Do any of you know of any good " tummy wraps " for after birth? Like the belly bandit for example? Not just purely for vanity, but also to feel " put together " after birth. I hear that wraps can tighten skin and make your tummy look better but it can also heal a diastisis recti faster and make you feel like your muscles and organs are " in place " after giving birth.
Since my main insecurity is my tummy, what exercises could I do to help make it look and get better? Mind you, I'm not all about looking good but I also care about being fit and healthy and I'm pretty sure stretched out muscles can be helped healed with some exercise. Not just for looks. I say that because a lot of people I talk to seem to judge me for wanting to look good after having kids. They call me vain and insecure and I should just accept and love my new body. Which I understand. But it's also about being fit and healthy and putting my muscles back where they should be. And yes, I do care about looking good. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Anyways. I'm sorry this was long. I just feel a little insecure and am looking for support and advice from other mom's or just other women in general. Men can also give input too if they have any. 

Thank you in advance.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

After I had my first child I asked my OB what I could do to get my flat tummy back. He informed me that stretched skin could never go back to the way it was without surgery. He explained that I could do sit-ups/crunches etc to tone my stomach muscles but that it'd have no effect on the stretched skin. 

I too, often felt SO self conscience about my tummy. Even now, @ 44 and three children later, I still struggle a bit. It's getting better though because my H loves me just the way I am. If I ever decide that I want to tone up my tummy muscles, I will. But in the meantime, I'm living, enjoying life and not stressing over what others think of me. And I'm continuing to be the best mom I can be to the children that my body nourished and housed for 9 months. 

Your body goes through so many changes in those 9 months, rather than seeing yourself as ugly and disgusting, think of what it provided and created!! 

As for the belly wraps, I don't know first hand if they work or not, but my best guess is that they don't. Otherwise all of us with the baby bellies wouldn't have these issues.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You will never look the same. Wanting to be fit and all is good, but to wrap up your tummy?? I am always leery when someone says "I don't regret it, BUT......" Sounds to me like you DO have some regrets, not the least of which is that you don't like the way you look. I mean, you actually said you are TERRIFIED.

That really is not a healthy attitude to have. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. This is exactly how eating disorders develop. And unhealthy attitudes and habits. If you really want to do yourself a favor (not to mention any future daughters you might have) then stop with the obsession about your looks and concentrate on the HEALTHY part of the equation. Accept the fact that your body has birthed two children and that it will never be as firm and flat and bouncy at it was before. Not to mention the changes that will happen as you age. 

Stop eating processed foods. Concentrate on cooking from scratch, growing your own food, sourcing locally, that type of thing. Eat lots of veggies and fruit. Make it a lifestyle change. Start wearing clothes that are comfy rather than stuff that you think makes you look sexy. Quit worrying about your belly and start getting out on your bike. Buy one of those bike trailers and haul your kids around on it, Take it to the farmers market every week. No one there will give a flying crap about your stretch marks or saggy skin, believe me. Surround yourself with people who will value you for who you are and not how you look.

If you adopt the attitude that you are beautiful despite your perceived 'faults' that will go WAY farther toward making you beautiful than any old tummy wrap ever will.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I've been pregnant 3 times with 4 live births. I was under 25 when I had them all. That helps.
Now, I'll be 50 in a couple weeks and I can wear a bikini. (well no one is throwing up in my presence at least). You have to eat really clean. You need to lift and do some core work. Cardio maybe once or twice a week. I also had coolsculpting done. I'm not perfect. But I'm good enough. My tummy hangs over when I do planks. But that tummy also housed 4 big kids. It is just fine, what we look like. Do what you can but accept your body and don't over do it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I was 21 when I had my first boy (I have 3 boys now). I was very small at 5'6" and 108 lbs (at the time, 120 now - 12 years later). I gained 70lbs with my first. Didn't know what would happen with my body. No one told me. Subsequent pregnancies, I gained 40 and then 28 lbs.

Yes. I got stretchmarks. Yep, had the droopy skin when bending over. Yes, still looked pregnant after eating a large meal, and yes my belly button drooped some. 

No it didn't get worse with subsequent pregnancies. Probably because I never gained that amount of weight again. In fact, with each pregnancy, I made a point to continue my exercise and meal plans - despite what some people say. 

No it won't go back to normal with a wrap. The skin, depending on how stretched it is, will tighten back up SOME. It will never be the same again. It will always sag a little, even if you have little body fat. You can't exercise stretched muscles back completely either. Again, exercise helps SOME, but reality is, you're body is changed. It happens to most all of us. There are very few women who are lucky enough to not worry with it after birth. 

There is no cure for stretchmarks. They will fade SOME over time, but will remain right where they are. 

Solutions? Learn to love your body. 

Or if you're like me, get a tummy tuck when you're done with kids. HOWEVER, I do NOT recommend the surgery. I'm simply stating that I had it done. It didn't change one thing about how I look at myself in the mirror. I still have some stretchmarks on my sides that will never go away. Yes, the muscles are back together and look nice. Most of the stretchmarks are gone, BUT I have a HUGE scar from hip to hip and a 2 inch vertical scar (going up towards my belly button). It's like all the stretchmarks combined into one big scar at my hips. 

It doesn't matter your size. Women of all sizes feel insecure. I HATE when people say, "Well, you're thin and in shape, you should feel so lucky!!" Well, I don't. Saying that doesn't make it so. There are many parts of my body that I dislike. I can't go under the knife for all of them, I would die. So, I have to learn to love 'em. 

There is a girl who just had a baby a couple of months ago. She is a ballet dancer. Well, was a ballet dancer. She is SO depressed over her body now. She had NO IDEA what would happen. There needs to be more education on what the female body goes through and what changes to expect emotionally AND physically.


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You will never look the same. Wanting to be fit and all is good, but to wrap up your tummy?? I am always leery when someone says "I don't regret it, BUT......" Sounds to me like you DO have some regrets, not the least of which is that you don't like the way you look. I mean, you actually said you are TERRIFIED.
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Something I probably should have mentioned prior is that I have a problem with eating disorders. Before and after birth. Not now because I'm pregnant but I do fear of it returning after I birth my second son. 
I don't want to be unhealthy or to have an unhealthy attitude but I do. I felt insecure as a teenager and I looked great and now it's become much worse.

It doesn't help when I have a partner who looks at naked pictures of other women on the Internet. He did this before I had kids too but it now it strikes up insecurities worse than it did before. I'm still thin everywhere else but it's my stomach that I thought wasn't so hot. It kind of hurts when my partner doesn't actually " watch " any porn, but specifically looks for nudes of other women to get off too. Yeah, that makes me feel insecure. Even if I look like them or have a body similar to them, my tummy is mostly what makes me feel like crap. I'm not going to feel guilty for admitting this considering I'm not the only woman to feel this way.

I'm also only 21. I turned 21 recently. It's not that long ago where I was just a teenager and society and the Internet doesn't help women love themselves either. At least where I am and what I've seen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nothing is quite the same after having grown a child. It's okay... It means you are mother! Do the best with what you have, and don't stress out about what you can't change. My feet grew with each child. I have a floppy nipple from nursing. I swear my internal organs are now in a different place than they used to be. It's because I have two wonderful children.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My daughter had bulimia as a 14-15-16-17 year old. She had a baby in December 2014. She's 22 now and not purging, but I do worry about her still. 

Who knows about your eating disorder? Have you been in therapy for it? This is serious stuff.

As for your partner looking at porn - well, if he isn't willing to talk to you about this, then why are you with him? For someone with your history, he should be more than willing to forgo the porn in order to help you. Is he? Like I said, you have got to surround yourself with people who value you for who you ARE, not how you look.

That said, men look at porn because, well, because they're men. There really is no other reason. They like women's bodies. Different bodies. They don't look because they want to see something BETTER, they look because they want to see something DIFFERENT. I know that doesn't go very far in helping you feel better about it - I struggled with the same thing for years. I am not the worlds most secure woman when it comes to my husband and what he likes to look at. I have never really liked the way I look, even when I was pretty hot. But if you can hear some of these things over and over, some part of them do start to sink in.


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

staarz21 said:


> I was 21 when I had my first boy (I have 3 boys now). I was very small at 5'6" and 108 lbs (at the time, 120 now - 12 years later). I gained 70lbs with my first. Didn't know what would happen with my body. No one told me. Subsequent pregnancies, I gained 40 and then 28 lbs.
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Not only could I not afford a tummy tuck but my partner wouldn't support me doing that at all. Every time I brought it up even as a joke, he would get pretty grossed out that I would consider that.


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

Everyone's comments are helping by the way. Knowing that I'm not alone. 

If I may ask, do your husbands care about what your body looks like after kids?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband met me after I already had had 3 kids. He loved my body, stretch marks and all. I am heavier now than I was then, but he still loves it.

So, does your guy know you have an eating disorder?


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband met me after I already had had 3 kids. He loved my body, stretch marks and all. I am heavier now than I was then, but he still loves it.
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> So, does your guy know you have an eating disorder?




Yes. Back when we were just friends, there were a few times he was worried. Especially when he would rub my back and feel my spine. He feared for me and how thin I was and when I wouldn't eat. 
He's no stranger to what I struggle with, that's for sure.

He knows that I take the porn personally (which is my own problem) and he tells me that it has nothing to do with me. 
He's done this even before he knew me so it's not anything with me. (That's my logic?) maybe it doesn't make sense. 

He has promised to stop, he hasn't. He's admitted that he feels guilty and ashamed every time after he does it. 
I've asked him if it's because of me and whatever, he says no. He claims he has no idea why he does it. He thinks it's out of habit. This is something he's done since he was a teenager. And after his last relationship, he had a three year break in between his ex and me, which obviously meant a lot of porn before meeting me so I get the habit part. 

I can't deny that it hurts because I have the insecurity problem and I take it personally probably when I shouldn't. I feel very resentful of the time I went to the store FOR him and came back because I forgot my wallet. When I went to ask him if he knew where it was, I found him hiding in the bathroom with the lights out jacking it off to a picture of a butt and another site which had just naked pictures of girls. Every time I think of it, I feel angry and sad. Which isn't cool because I don't want to resent him over something like this especially but it does cause some insecurities but that's my problem, not his.

Anyway, point being, it bugged me before I had kids but it bugs me even worse now because of my post baby body which is actually fine from a logical stand point but for some reason, my mind is a bully and I have a bad habit of being sucked in to being my own worst enemy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK. Slow down a bit.

Of course the porn thing is going to bother you. But so should the fact he says he's going to stop and then says he can't. That speaks of bigger problems. My husband is a sex addict and attends a 12 step group because his porn habit got him in to HUGE HUGE trouble. Your partner should really seek some help to try and stop. He could join a 12 step group, or an online group, or see a therapist, or do some reading. Patrick Carnes writes some excellent books about porn and sex addiction - maybe suggest to him he start there? He really needs to do something about it because porn can change a guys brain in ways he does NOT want. Not to mention the harm it causes relationships. And it is NOT only your problem. It's BOTH of your problem.

It's good that he knows about the eating disorder too.

So you have a baby and are pregnant. What else do you do with your time? Do you work? Have a house and yard?


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> OK. Slow down a bit.
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I wouldn't go as far as saying he has an addiction. He goes months without looking at that stuff. It's something he does when I'm out of the house and unavailable. He can definitely live without it because he does so for months at a time. 

In regards to what I do with my time, I am studying child psychology, physical and emotional development (online course). I take my toddler outside to explore, whether we go to a park, fields, stores, etc. I play with my toddler a lot, teach him things. Watch random YouTube video's, cook, clean. I'm a stay at home mom. 
I have many interests but I don't do much with them at this time. I should do more with my interests now that I think about it.


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

Nope. No house or yard yet. I'm in an apartment.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

My wife is 53, has lots of stretch marks, etc. I love her more than ever.

SAPH, make sure your insecurity doesn't affect your marriage by you keeping yourself covered up. One of the things I told my wife a few years back when we were having problems was "I NEED to see you naked!"

By keeping herself covered up & not changing in front of me, it was like she was saying "I don't trust you".


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Saph_ said:


> Not only could I not afford a tummy tuck but my partner wouldn't support me doing that at all. Every time I brought it up even as a joke, he would get pretty grossed out that I would consider that.


Well good. That means your H cares. Be thankful for that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Don't beat yourself up about not doing stuff that interests you. It's good to want to do more with your time, but not to the point you're feeling guilty about it. You have enough on your plate.

Give yourself a break here and learn to love yourself! I know that's cliche, but really, it's a very important first step for anyone who is trying to be happy. And really, isn't that ultimately what we all really want?

I really think if you concentrate on the healthy living aspect it will serve you well. I recently discovered classes at one of the local greenhouses - growing herbs, keeping bees, doing a pallet garden, all kinds of cool stuff. They also have a farmers market every Thursday evening. Why don't you see about some stuff like that and add it to your life? Stuff that doesn't emphasize your appearance at all. Let go of the need to be physically perfect, because that will only drive you nuts.


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## Saph_ (Jun 7, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> My wife is 53, has lots of stretch marks, etc. I love her more than ever.
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I feel you. I had a bad habit of feeling more comfortable having sex with the lights off and my boyfriend would always turn them on and argue with me, lol! I've stopped that though. He never liked it when I would turn off the lights or refuse to get undressed in front of him. 
We don't have that problem anymore but I want to make sure that doesn't return after birthing my second son. Honestly, people would probably give me a lot of **** for writing this post because I'm pretty lucky in how I healed. I guess I'm just vain and the stretch marks and loose skin that hangs when I bend over bothers me. My tummy was flat and wasn't wrinkly or disgusting looking really. I am worried about what I will look like after my second. I feel bad for even thinking about that because I do love being pregnant and I do love my kids. Why can't I love their first homes? It's a struggle, hence why I'm here. I began feeling alone and nobody I talked to related. I was more judged than understood for having these thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for your post though, it helps to hear when men's input too.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

My wife had two kids within about 3 years and it did take a toll on her body. That's just the truth. She does deal with the tummy and lose skin issues. All of that said, while I do prefer toned, fit women, I know that my wife got that way because she had my children. Every time I look at her and then my kids I'm just thankful that she had the strength and fortitude to actually give birth to our wonderful children. She is insecure about it but I try to tell her to not compare herself to other people especially those who have not had children.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

In regards to the porn, just let it go. Men look at porn and it has nothing to do with us. As long as its every once in a while just let it go. Don't look for it, don't ask him about it. 
About men... They love women's bodies. That's how they are. But they don't qualify their bodies if that makes sense. Men think in their head... Wow she's hot, that's it. They don't say, well I can't look at this pic Bc my wife is hotter than this person. Or wow this person is hotter than my wife. Honestly they don't think about that. Just Bc he thinks another women's body is hot doesn't mean anything about what he thinks about yours. Men are pigs lol. If you have stretch marks or stretched skin on your stomach, trust me that your boyfriend still thinks you are sexy as can be. Men don't care. There will always be women who are prettier than you and who have nicer bodies than you, that's the reality. You need to realize that there is more to you than your looks, and also he loves the way you look too.


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## sunhunter (Sep 4, 2013)

Like most women who had children, my wifes belly isn't as tight as it was before the pregnancies (we have 2 children - 10 and 7). Recently she started doing body wraps and she lost 3 inches on her belly and her skin is tighter, she's very happy with the results. And if she's happy - i'm happy


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I didn't see this mentioned but in most cases if you breast feed and eat right, your body will quickly transform back to what you were before. ( my x-wife did with our 4 kids ) Maybe even better, some women even get a permanent increase in breast size ! 
Good luck !


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