# Not sure what to do



## 911.dispatcher (Apr 1, 2016)

I have been married almost 2 years now to the mother of our 4 year old. We have had martial issues ( not from infidelity) that seem simple to me. For the last 5 years we have been together I have not been allowed to go out with friends. A few months back I was allowed to go out with a guy I grew up with. It was too be a beer and wine that turned out to be a few bars. I admit I was wrong, but not having the ability to go out before I kind of enjoyed it too much. Again, never cheated on my wife. Now she says I will never be allowed to go out. Also, after bills are parts, she takes the balance of my check and transfers it to her personal account from our joint account. Trying to make this short and sweet so apologies for not much in depth description. She finds this to be acceptable behavior. I'm always willing, same is always right. Any ideas??


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wife is not the problem. 

You come across as a very weak pathetic doormat. I would assume she has little to no respect for you under the circumstances and does what she wants when she wants.

Most women want a real MAN. Have you always been this way????

Read up. 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=lYclHdfv4ZAd9XMiZPQyUkYOJH0-


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

911.dispatcher said:


> I have been married almost 2 years now to the mother of our 4 year old. We have had martial issues ( not from infidelity) that seem simple to me. *For the last 5 years we have been together I have not been allowed to go out with friends. A few months back I was allowed to go out with a guy I grew up with. It was too be a beer and wine that turned out to be a few bars. I admit I was wrong, but not having the ability to go out before I kind of enjoyed it too much. Again, never cheated on my wife. Now she says I will never be allowed to go out.* Also, after bills are parts, she takes the balance of my check and transfers it to her personal account from our joint account. Trying to make this short and sweet so apologies for not much in depth description. She finds this to be acceptable behavior. I'm always willing, same is always right. Any ideas??


REALLY? Does she make you do all the housework too?

Does she give you any allowance after she puts the rest of your paycheck in her account?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

911.dispatcher said:


> I have not been allowed to go out with friends.


Do you find this acceptable that your wife wishes to isolate you? Friends are an integral part of life and should be cultivated much like a marriage. Does your wife go out at all? Does she work?



911.dispatcher said:


> after bills are paid, she takes the balance of my check and transfers it to her personal account from our joint account..... She finds this to be acceptable behavior.


Again, do you find this to be acceptable behavior? I also assume that she controls "your" spending money as well. If the money was going to a joint savings account that you both have access to, I would be okay with that, but her personal account? What is she doing with all the extra money?

Your wife appears to be extremely controlling and this stuff would drive me crazy. My guess is that she does not listen to a lot of things that you say and just overrules with what she wants. 

My suggestions? If you want to be able to go out, offer to take her out with you. Get a sitter and enjoy yourselves. I also believe that people can have interests outside of just "family" and should be allowed to pursue those interests. You don't always have to do everything together. In a lot of healthy relationships, the partners can and do have different interests. 

As for the money, if you don't like it, ask it to change. If she is unwilling to change, you can go so far as to open another account to deposit your check and take care of the bills yourself. Not that hard.

But you have to be willing to stand up for yourself. Even if she turns on the anger or the tears. Just because she doesn't like it, doesn't mean that you are wrong.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I don't know what a "Real Man" is and whether that is someone empirically proven that worn go for. I do know that being a wimp does nothing for yourself, ever. Details are obviously slim and maybe you had a gambling problem or some other somewhat traumatic event that caused her to be this way.

Either way, it's not about being a man, it's about being a human. Get some self esteem and don't be treated like this. If she refuses, gtfo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

911.dispatcher said:


> I have been married almost 2 years now to the mother of our 4 year old. We have had martial issues ( not from infidelity) that seem simple to me. For the last 5 years we have been together I have not been allowed to go out with friends. A few months back I was allowed to go out with a guy I grew up with. It was too be a beer and wine that turned out to be a few bars. I admit I was wrong, but not having the ability to go out before I kind of enjoyed it too much. Again, never cheated on my wife. Now she says I will never be allowed to go out. Also, after bills are parts, she takes the balance of my check and transfers it to her personal account from our joint account. Trying to make this short and sweet so apologies for not much in depth description. She finds this to be acceptable behavior. I'm always willing, same is always right. Any ideas??


To make positive change, you need to change yourself, that is your emotional basis that you use to form your actions upon. We can all give you advice as to what to do or what not to do, but it would all be for naught when you use the advice and back down due to her negative emotional reaction. You have to learn how to stop taking it all so personally. When you do this, you disempower the control that others have over you, so that you can exert the force of your own will. Realize that if you don't change for the better, you are holding the relationship back. If she is truly this controlling, then you have to stand up, so that she will learn that her behavior does not aid the relationship. You can realize bliss, but someone has to be the point of stability. I advise against "refusing" to be treated this way and that way. That is not strength. That is attempting to control others, which will never work. You can be an unstoppable force in a much more positive manner, making them back down by their own will.

You start by listening, NOT agreeing or disagreeing. Then you build on that by becoming aware of the emotional wounds you have and the thoughts that are elicited when you experience the emotional reaction. From there, you can make positive emotional change. She will play the victim when you find your place of strength. She will fear the change. Stay consistent. Do you want to bring your relationship to a point of bliss, for you and her? I sure hope so.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sounds like an abusive relationship. Controlling, odds are emotional blackmail as well. I suggest you do some research and learn abut boundaries. The longer you stay with her, the more you will regress as an individual.

So, detach and separate for now and do the 180. Plus, financial control is also part of abuse. Do not let her shiet affect you and well, you are a role model for your children and should you go to court, record her actions, see if you can record what she says, with a child psychiatrist, odds are, you will get majority custody.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your life is what you make it.

If you're smart you will take steps to stand up for yourself and take control of your destiny.

You've handed it all over to her. Why?????


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Check out the signs of abusive relationship.
1. You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner.
2. Your feelings and opinions are rarely validated.
3. Your partner is mistrustful of you for no reason.
4. You feel like you are unable to discuss problems in the relationship.
5. You feel stuck or confused most of the time.

Be prepared to hear her threaten to take your kid away and not allow you to see them when you start pushing back on issues!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just throwing this out there, but why do all the cheaters worry so much about their betrayed spouses cheating?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My advice to you is spend some time doing your own investigation to see what exactly your wife is doing when you aren't around.....it just might answer some questions in why she has little trust in what you do in your spear time and what you spend it on.

At the very least take a peek at her phone and pull up some bank statements!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What's your wife's reasons for not wanting you to out with the guys? Has something happened in the past that she has lost trust? Does she not trust your friends?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sorry. Your fault. You let this happen and now that you created this monster you have very few weapons to combat it except one. 

Time for you to take charge of your life that you willingly let her take over. One thing you better do is stop forking over your last red cent and do it now. Why you let her is beyond me. Think about it. If you did to her what she's doing to you, the last thing you would see is her back when she walked out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can start by reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-NUTs-Relationship-Manual/dp/0979054400

or

[PDF] Download Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men PDF ebook by Wayne M. Levine - Stepor Ebook


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Nooo do not let her take the money out of the joint account. Put your foot down. If she isn't working then you can give her an allowance or better yet, keep all of your money in a personal account and if she needs anything she can ask you for the cash and explain why she needs it. You worked hard for that!


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Why do I feel like there is much more to this story? I know you said you were being "short and sweet" but there are missing pieces to the puzzle. OP can you let us know if there was anything that happened between you and your W leading up to this controlling behavior? Just wondering.

Regardless of something happening sounds like she is over the top, but I'm curious as to whether something led up to her acting like this...? Or is she just that controlling...


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Bluezone has a good point, there are two sides to every story. But at any rate, her controlling behavior is not cool. Do you have any updates OP? How is it going?


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