# newly married and wife lied



## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

I was in our local mall and a man came up and said hi and made small talk to us. I have known this guy for years and he talked with both of us like he knew wife very well. When done with the conversation I asked if she dated him, she said yes. I asked if they were intimate, and she said no.
I later found out that she was intimate with him and then confronted wife. She then back tracked and said that she was with him and that she did not want to talk about it anymore. 
I said that it was not the being with him before we met, but the issue is lying about it directly to me with no remorse at all.
She wanted to say it is my fault because she feels I keep things to myself and she did not want to tell me because of that.
Should I be worried.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

At least now you know how she is going to behave if she secretly has an affair and you approach her about it. Denial, trickle truth, blame shifting, etc.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I wouldn't overthink it. We all have pasts, and often do not want to reveal all. It's usually best to leave the past in the past, and best not to ask details, because people will often lie rather than reveal more than they are prepared to have known. If they had been intimate really isn't all that important, IMO - you can assume if they dated that they probably were. She probably didn't want you to dwell on the past, as some people do so unhealthily. Maybe she thinks you are one and hoped to avoid this exact scenario you're posting about.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think this might be have to do with your personality. 

If you are a jealous person, then your wife might have lied to keep the peace. 

While I haven't done it, I could see myself doing the same thing. If I ran into some girl from high school that I slept with and my wife asked me, I might say no. Especially if I know this person won't be in our lives. Would just be a whole lot easier than dealing with her interrogation over something that happened many years ago.

If it was someone that we would be seeing 'every once in a while', then I would for sure tell my wife if she asked, because it would be bound to come up eventually.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm not blaming you, but do you think you've created an environment where she should feel comfortable with you about something like this? Or is it possible that she felt you'd "overreact", and lied to prevent that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You need to nip this right now.
I don't know if you need to be worried but unfortunately, neither do you. Your wife is lying to you and justifying her behavior and trying to place guilt on you for her behavior.

All bad.

You need to sit her down and have a conversation that probably should have occurred before you said "I do".

You are obviously a man who at least needs to know if the guy your shaking hands with plowed your wife at one time. This is perfectly reasonable.

My wife needs to know if we encounter one of my ex partners and even if she never met one, I would need to let her know if someone I had sex with might be around.

Same goes for my wife. I don't hold her past against her, but I need to know who has "known" my wife.

It is mutual respect.

Many times women lie about nearly everything in their sexual history thinking it will cause problems with their current mate.

The reverse is usually true in that the deception does far more harm than open honesty ever could.

If a potential mate can't handle a persons sexual history, they sure as hell are not going to handle lying about it.

Hopefully she will understand the need for honesty, and since you married her, hopefully you can take her honesty and you both can work out a rewarding marriage.

Best wishes.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I wouldn't overthink it. We all have pasts, and often do not want to reveal all. It's usually best to leave the past in the past, and best not to ask details, because people will often lie rather than reveal more than they are prepared to have known. If they had been intimate really isn't all that important, IMO - you can assume if they dated that they probably were. She probably didn't want you to dwell on the past, as some people do so unhealthily. Maybe she thinks you are one and hoped to avoid this exact scenario you're posting about.


I am one to do that. It is hard for me because I have not been with many women and find it hard to accept that society is completely different than way back when. I was married for 20+years and never saw the changes (sleeping around) in society until after divorce.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm not blaming you, but do you think you've created an environment where she should feel comfortable with you about something like this? Or is it possible that she felt you'd "overreact", and lied to prevent that?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She does not like conflict and probably was trying to avoid it. She said that she did not think I would ever find out so saw no reason to tell me the truth.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BTW....
I walk the walk.
My first partner was when I was a freshman in high school.
My wife knows about her. She is a friend on my FB and because of my honesty, and the fact that it was so long ago, my wife is comfortable.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If someone intends to be married and live in something that seems like peace, they will have to lie. She will gain weight, her cooking won't always be great, both of you will find other people sexually interesting and nobody will win or have any peace if you both honestly communicate these things. Both of you probably had sexual partners before marriage. Much like your septic tank, you know it's there but nothing good comes out of sticking your nose down into it. 
At some point your wife is going to ask you if you'd remarry if she died. The correct answer is "no". We both know it's a lie.
She's going to ask you if you think one of her friends is sexy. The correct answer is "no". We both know it's a lie.
She's going to ask you if she's the best lover you ever had. The answer is, "yes". 
Any other responses to the above questions will get you a ration of drama. The goal of a husband is not complete honesty. It's piece and peace.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

reality13 said:


> She does not like conflict and probably was trying to avoid it. She said that she did not think I would ever find out so saw no reason to tell me the truth.


You know you have been on TAM too long when you read this and red flags pop up.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

SaltInWound said:


> You know you have been on TAM too long when you read this and red flags pop up.


What are you meaning by this?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How did you find out they'd had a sexual relationship while dating? 

And what exactly are you worried about?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If someone intends to be married and live in something that seems like peace, they will have to lie. She will gain weight, her cooking won't always be great, both of you will find other people sexually interesting and nobody will win or have any peace if you both honestly communicate these things. Both of you probably had sexual partners before marriage. Much like your septic tank, you know it's there but nothing good comes out of sticking your nose down into it.
> At some point your wife is going to ask you if you'd remarry if she died. The correct answer is "no". We both know it's a lie.
> She's going to ask you if you think one of her friends is sexy. The correct answer is "no". We both know it's a lie.
> She's going to ask you if she's the best lover you ever had. The answer is, "yes".
> Any other responses to the above questions will get you a ration of drama. The goal of a husband is not complete honesty. It's piece and peace.


Not everyone enjoys lying and being lied to as much as you seem to.
If that is what you enjoy and it works for you, great. Many others require more honesty in a relationship.

I am willing to concede that one size does not fit all but if OP is like many/most, he needs more honesty than lies to be happy.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

The first thing you need to do is really look at your side of the street and make sure she can safely tell you the truth. That is important for both of you. Having said that, this:



reality13 said:


> She does not like conflict and probably was trying to avoid it. She said that she did not think I would ever find out so saw no reason to tell me the truth.


is a huge red flag on any number of levels. It is about conflict avoidance and lying because she can, instead of being truthful. Let's face it, fairly or unfairly you now wonder what else she is/has lied about because she can. This needs to be fixed between the two of you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is not a big deal if she a good person. The idea of telling a husband that someone they just shook hands with had dipped his wick in you is a tough thing for a wife to just spit out. She may have been uncomfortable that he greeted her. She didn't look for this meeting.

I would tell her that her instinct to lie bothered you. Tell her that you were jealous for a moment. Laugh. Tell her she doesn't have to make things up. Be confident.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> It is not a big deal if she a good person. The idea of telling a husband that someone they just shook hands with had dipped his wick in you is a tough thing for a wife to just spit out. She may have been uncomfortable that he greeted her. She didn't look for this meeting.
> 
> I would tell her that her instinct to lie bothered you. Tell her that you were jealous for a moment. Laugh. Tell her she doesn't have to make things up. Be confident.


She is a great person on so many levels. Would do anything for me as I would for her. It was just this lie. She always says she wants me to tell her the truth so that is what got me. Maybe at the time it did take her by surprise.
I said I was mad at the lying. Not really my business about past.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

norajane said:


> How did you find out they'd had a sexual relationship while dating?
> 
> And what exactly are you worried about?


I just kept thinking about her answer and knowing how the other person is, it was hard for me to believe that they were not together. So I asked again at a later date and she hesitantly said that they had.
I am worried about how easy it was to lie to me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

reality13 said:


> I just kept thinking about her answer and knowing how the other person is, it was hard for me to believe that they were not together. So I asked again at a later date and she hesitantly said that they had.
> I am worried about how easy it was to lie to me.


I think it's really a positive thing that she did tell you the truth when you asked her again. She was obviously afraid to, and as you said, she's afraid of conflict. The more often she sees that it's ok to be honest even about things that she's nervous or hesitant about, the more comfortable she will be in telling you the truth every time. The more confident she is with herself, and with you, and has confidence in you, the more likely she won't retreat into a lie as "protection."

How long have you been married? It sounds like this is your second marriage, so maybe you two are still working out some comfort zone issues and communication issues...we all have them!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Totally agree with norajane. Make it safe for her to go to you, always, with the truth. 

No anger, or at least no punishment (berating, threatening, etc. -- or if you do, you apologize as soon as you can, and ask her forgiveness). 

Compassion, understanding, gentleness . . . that is what you need to give.

Two things to say to her: "Help me understand," and "How can I help?" 

And model to her what you want from her. Total transparency, even when it is painful and embarrassing.

And it is possible. Some of us live exactly like this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

norajane said:


> I think it's really a positive thing that she did tell you the truth when you asked her again. She was obviously afraid to, and as you said, she's afraid of conflict. The more often she sees that it's ok to be honest even about things that she's nervous or hesitant about, the more comfortable she will be in telling you the truth every time. The more confident she is with herself, and with you, and has confidence in you, the more likely she won't retreat into a lie as "protection."
> 
> How long have you been married? It sounds like this is your second marriage, so maybe you two are still working out some comfort zone issues and communication issues...we all have them!


DITTO.:iagree:


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Dont be worried about the lies about the past. Sometime i want to forget all the past relationship! And start over . If u have a good relationship and if u trust her before knowing that she sleep with om , dont be made bc now she going to feel guilty and have regrets ! She did not tell bc she was embarassed or afraid. The past is gone ! Focus on your love now !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Not everyone enjoys lying and being lied to as much as you seem to.
> If that is what you enjoy and it works for you, great. Many others require more honesty in a relationship.
> 
> I am willing to concede that one size does not fit all but if OP is like many/most, he needs more honesty than lies to be happy.


I don't enjoy lying and I don't enjoy making other people lie. That's one reason I don't ask pointless questions I wouldn't like the answer to and I avoid answering no-win questions. Telling a new mother that her baby is ugly might be honest but it isn't helpful to anyone. A perfectly honest person would have no friends and no peace.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

reality13 said:


> Should I be worried.


Yes; you should be worried about this BIG TIME. Make sure she understand what your "deal breakers" are and the boundaries you expect to be maintained in your marriage. Also she needs to be clear on your expectations for honesty.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I don't enjoy lying and I don't enjoy making other people lie. That's one reason I don't ask pointless questions I wouldn't like the answer to and I avoid answering no-win questions. Telling a new mother that her baby is ugly might be honest but it isn't helpful to anyone. A perfectly honest person would have no friends and no peace.


An ugly baby and men who have had their penis in your wife are the same to you?

Your generalizations of this post are not convincing me that lying about sex partners is ok for some.

I am again willing to concede that one size does not fit all, however, I am not being persuaded that your viewpoint on sex partners is a valid one for anybody when your comparisons don't have even close to the same repercussions.

If my wife lied to my sister about my nephews appearance, I would probably laugh and kiss her.

If my wife lied to me about a guy I just shook hands with and let hug her, that he had checked out her birth canal, I would be furious!

Our relationship would have just taken several steps backward and she would have to do a lot of work to repair damaged trust.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I don't enjoy lying and I don't enjoy making other people lie. That's one reason I don't ask pointless questions I wouldn't like the answer to and I avoid answering no-win questions. Telling a new mother that her baby is ugly might be honest but it isn't helpful to anyone. A perfectly honest person would have no friends and no peace.


I disagree with your sentiment about lieing to your spouse, but I think that's a reflection about my wife and my relationship, not that your advice isn't sound LOL.

My wife may ask "how does my hair look?" Now my wife knows how she looks more acutely than I do so that's kind of a stupid question, she's asking me because she thinks it's off. (now mind you, this is because my wife doesn't have to fish for compliments from me...I routinely compliment my wife and I notice the little things and changes) So my response will probably be something along the lines of "Do you really need an answer or do you already know..." with a grin on my face.

Now I also do things with humor. She did ask me once and I then messed up my own hair and said in an overly enthusiastic way "AWESOME!!"

My wife and I have fun and we are 100% honest with each other. We confide in each other as best friends etc. 

But again, this is us and we're cut from the same cloth in that way.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> I think it's really a positive thing that she did tell you the truth when you asked her again. She was obviously afraid to, and as you said, she's afraid of conflict. The more often she sees that it's ok to be honest even about things that she's nervous or hesitant about, the more comfortable she will be in telling you the truth every time. The more confident she is with herself, and with you, and has confidence in you, the more likely she won't retreat into a lie as "protection."
> 
> How long have you been married? It sounds like this is your second marriage, so maybe you two are still working out some comfort zone issues and communication issues...we all have them!


:iagree::iagree:

As much as most folks on tam want everyone to believe they are pillars of honesty and integrity 1000% of the time, the average person sometimes has issues with honesty even about dumb stuff.

It doesn't make them bad people. It's just something that needs to be worked on like any thing else. Nora's post is totally right. It's a comfort/communication issue and yes,we ALL have them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The OP doesn't necessarily need to be worried but his wife should be. She's married an insecure person with boundary issues, an unusually high level of entitlement and questionable judgment. The woman's previous sexual history was really her private business. She honestly told him she had a previous relationship with this guy. He should have let the topic drop there. If she had honestly answered that the guy used to nail her like an old fence, he probably would have pressed for gory details. What's the truth? The truth is that whoever came before him, she picked him. The truth is that she will be faithful to him right up until the moment she chooses to not be. The truth is that if she's bad for trying to spare her husband needless angst with a "lie" about matters that are none of his business, anyway, then most non-psychopaths over the age of 2 in this country are bad. Does any wife seriously want her husband coming home and telling her how turned on he was by the 25 women he saw that day? That would be an example of a 100% honest (and 1000% stupid) guy. Would a great father honestly criticize his kid's handmade Christmas gift or would they proudly display it?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> The first thing you need to do is really look at your side of the street and *make sure she can safely tell you the truth*.


*MOST IMPORTANT advice you're going to get on here!* I'm not putting the onus on YOU for truth-telling or trying to make it YOUR fault at all.

Make sure you are CRYSTAL CLEAR that you will always prefer the truth because it's the only way you'll ever be able to trust each other and grow together. Then WALK the WALK and BE the guy she can tell the truth to without being shamed, judged, insulted, etc.

If she continues lying at that point, THEN you need to make a decision about what kind of relationship you can/can't tolerate.

Good luck, but the first step is YOURS!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife's sexual involvement with guys last night would be my business. Her sexual activities 10 years before I met her are her own.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

jld said:


> Totally agree with norajane. Make it safe for her to go to you, always, with the truth.
> 
> No anger, or at least no punishment (berating, threatening, etc. -- or if you do, you apologize as soon as you can, and ask her forgiveness).
> 
> ...



How happy to be the S.O. of a mature adult (either gender)! You and your S.O. have my admiration!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> The OP doesn't necessarily need to be worried but his wife should be. She's married an insecure person with boundary issues, an unusually high level of entitlement and questionable judgment. The woman's previous sexual history was really her private business. She honestly told him she had a previous relationship with this guy. He should have let the topic drop there. If she had honestly answered that the guy used to nail her like an old fence, he probably would have pressed for gory details. What's the truth? The truth is that whoever came before him, she picked him. The truth is that she will be faithful to him right up until the moment she chooses to not be. The truth is that if she's bad for trying to spare her husband needless angst with a "lie" about matters that are none of his business, anyway, then most non-psychopaths over the age of 2 in this country are bad. Does any wife seriously want her husband coming home and telling her how turned on he was by the 25 women he saw that day? That would be an example of a 100% honest (and 1000% stupid) guy. Would a great father honestly criticize his kid's handmade Christmas gift or would they proudly display it?


You are incorrect.
I am one of the most confident, alpha types in existence.

I dated and dumped Budweiser girls and blonde bombshells that were over six feet tall, before I was 20. 

I am as secure as anyone, and I demand and give honesty about sex partners with my wife.

That is my preference not an insecurity.

You are incorrect to call people insecure who need to know who their SO has had sex with.

I believe I would be in error as well if I were referring to you in a derogatory fashion for your different point of view.

You have yet to show me in any convincing fashion, that lying about who has had their penis in your wife promotes health and well being for the marriage and in particular, for the husband shaking hands and being friendly with a guy that knows something he does not.

I am still open to a convincing argument.
While it would be unacceptable to me, maybe it works for someone else?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> As much as most folks on tam want everyone to believe they are pillars of honesty and integrity 1000% of the time, the average person sometimes has issues with honesty even about dumb stuff.
> 
> It doesn't make them bad people. It's just something that needs to be worked on like any thing else. Nora's post is totally right. It's a comfort/communication issue and yes,we ALL have them.


I generally agree with this, but do think that OP needs to also specifically address his wife's mindset on this specific incident of lying. From his post:



> She does not like conflict and probably was trying to avoid it. She said that she did not think I would ever find out so saw no reason to tell me the truth.


I re-raise it because while avoiding conflict is one issue -and the one he can best address - the other issue is conditional honesty. she would have been honest if she thought he would find out otherwise. Because she did not, she lied. That is another thing that needs to be addressed. 

When you give her the safety to tell the whole truth, she needs to give you the respect of telling you the truth even when you would not otherwise find out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Different people have different ideas regarding how much of the past should be shared. I personally am not interested in knowing unless it affects me now, and I don't care to share mine. My hb volunteered way too much, but that's been dealt with. Strangely enough he's never asked much about my past, weird considering how much he felt he needed to share, but if he asked I wouldn't lie. I would be uncomfortable, not because there's anything big in my past, but just because I think it belongs there. In the past. And I would probably divulge what was requested and nothing more. Your wife should've been honest, and like others have said you should make sure you provide a safe environment for truth regarding things you want to know, but maybe your wife feels like I do. Whatever I had before my hb doesn't matter now because he's all there is now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Different people have different ideas regarding how much of the past should be shared. I personally am not interested in knowing unless it affects me now, and I don't care to share mine. My hb volunteered way too much, but that's been dealt with. Strangely enough he's never asked much about my past, weird considering how much he felt he needed to share, but if he asked I wouldn't lie. I would be uncomfortable, not because there's anything big in my past, but just because I think it belongs there. In the past. And I would probably divulge what was requested and nothing more. Your wife should've been honest, and like others have said you should make sure you provide a safe environment for truth regarding things you want to know, but maybe your wife feels like I do. Whatever I had before my hb doesn't matter now because he's all there is now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was a very honest and balanced post.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"You are incorrect to call people insecure who need to know who their SO has had sex with."

If you aren't insecure, why do you "need" do know? Here's what I know about my wife. She's my wife and I trust her completely. Whatever she was or wasn't before, she is my wife today. Whoever might have been before me is no threat to me. If they could butter her toast better, she'd be wearing their ring instead of mine. I don't need to give her little honesty tests and I don't need to check out her past. If I needed to do that, the time would have been before I married her. I don't buy a car and then run to the previous owners and ask if it's been drag raced.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Yes she lied, and that in its self is not good. If this is a pattern, i would be alter to more possible lies. If not, i woild let it go. But my thought is you should have probably just assumed their relationship had been physical, and left it at that. Now days, you can pretty much figure every relationship is physical if they dated for any real amount of time. It just the way it is. 

Also. Unless this guy is a current part of her life. The particulars of their relationship are irrelevant. For most all of us, our spouses have a sexual past dating back way before they met us. Dwelling on that past will only make you paranoid and insecure. In my case. My wife was my first, but I was not hers. She had dated, and probably slept with 20+ guys (and married another) before we got together. Though i have only met a few of them,That past I simply something I choose not to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "You are incorrect to call people insecure who need to know who their SO has had sex with."
> 
> If you aren't insecure, why do you "need" do know? Here's what I know about my wife. She's my wife and I trust her completely. Whatever she was or wasn't before, she is my wife today. Whoever might have been before me is no threat to me. If they could butter her toast better, she'd be wearing their ring instead of mine. I don't need to give her little honesty tests and I don't need to check out her past. If I needed to do that, the time would have been before I married her. I don't buy a car and then run to the previous owners and ask if it's been drag raced.



I agree completely. Expands on what I already said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> My wife's sexual involvement with guys last night would be my business. Her sexual activities 10 years before I met her are her own.


Considering you enjoy coming up with "scenarios" to back up your point.

So if my wife partook in unprotected gang bangs with IV drug users..that's none of my business?

Sorry, with as much as we know about STD's, there's still a lot we don't know. HPV is a great example. I didn't know about HPV until 2005. I had never even heard of it. And now it's the biggest issue EVER. Until they discover the next one.

A person's past is what makes them who they are today. That includes relationships and sex. If my wife was a rape victim, I'd want to know because I'd be a lot more aware of what I did because I'd know she could have some lingering affects and I wouldn't want to hurt her. for instance. 

The issue with the OP is he came across as insecure and not comfortable with it. That combined with a confrontation averse partner will lead to lieing. He is not wrong for asking the questions....as long as they are coming from the right perspective inside.

I know almost EVERY detail of my wife's sexual past. Her experimentations, her partners etc. I know more about my wife's sexual past than her best friend to put it in perspective. Because we talk openly about it and it's one of the things that has made her the woman she is today. The woman I love 100%. We can joke about our histories and not worry because we're both 100% confident and satisfied in what we have together.

I couldn't be married to a woman who wanted to keep secrets. My wife is supposed to be my best friend (in MY opinion). She's supposed to be the 1 person in this world I can turn to no matter what. How can you have that level of trust and still keep secrets? But again, this is as much ME as my wife. I'm not insecure about her past, I'm not accusatory or bothered. I don't pass judgements. I let her be 100% safe and comfortable in what she tells me (like a best friend should be).


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> "You are incorrect to call people insecure who need to know who their SO has had sex with."
> 
> If you aren't insecure, why do you "need" do know? Here's what I know about my wife. She's my wife and I trust her completely. Whatever she was or wasn't before, she is my wife today. Whoever might have been before me is no threat to me. If they could butter her toast better, she'd be wearing their ring instead of mine. I don't need to give her little honesty tests and I don't need to check out her past. If I needed to do that, the time would have been before I married her. I don't buy a car and then run to the previous owners and ask if it's been drag raced.


I "needed" to know as much as I needed to know who her favorite football team was, where she went to school, what her favorite hobbies were. It was all part of getting to know her. Why shouldn't she be able to talk to me. I know about the lovers who did certain small things better than me but overall....I'm her best. I know this for many reasons.

It's getting to know my partner because I wanted a woman who shared my philosophies. It makes relationships easier that way. I would've had a hard time looking at a woman who didn't share my philosophies as marriage material...in the same way if she was a fan of my favorite team's rival, I'd have a hard time too. 

PS using "she married me" as the proof to say you know you are your wife's "best lover" is laughable. There are MANY women who don't marry their best lover. LOL


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

jld said:


> Totally agree with norajane. Make it safe for her to go to you, always, with the truth.
> 
> No anger, or at least no punishment (berating, threatening, etc. -- or if you do, you apologize as soon as you can, and ask her forgiveness).
> 
> ...


These are all good points, Thank you!


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Yes she lied, and that in its self is not good. If this is a pattern, i would be alter to more possible lies. If not, i woild let it go. But my thought is you should have probably just assumed their relationship had been physical, and left it at that. Now days, you can pretty much figure every relationship is physical if they dated for any real amount of time. It just the way it is.
> 
> Also. Unless this guy is a current part of her life. The particulars of their relationship are irrelevant. For most all of us, our spouses have a sexual past dating back way before they met us. Dwelling on that past will only make you paranoid and insecure. In my case. My wife was my first, but I was not hers. She had dated, and probably slept with 20+ guys (and married another) before we got together. Though i have only met a few of them,That past I simply something I choose not to think about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are very right, I should assume that relationships seem to always be physical. I was married for a long time and clearly things have changed from 20+ years ago. 
Bottom line, lots has been said and insecurity has something to do with it, no doubt. I don't need to get blasted for it but know that I need to work on this. Thanks for the input!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Funny. jkdood's thread is pretty much about the same thing (not telling his W everything that happened at his bachelor party), and everyone (myself included) has pretty much tarred and feathered him as an insensitive, lying, conniving moron.

Most posters here tell the OP to accept it and get over it. jkdood's W is being applauded for taking him to task.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Funny. jkdood's thread is pretty much about the same thing (not telling his W everything that happened at his bachelor party), and everyone (myself included) has pretty much tarred and feathered him as an insensitive, lying, conniving moron.
> 
> Most posters here tell the OP to accept it and get over it. jkdood's W is being applauded for taking him to task.


There's a big difference between messing around with someone while you are with your partner vs. having sex with someone before you've ever even met your partner.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Funny. jkdood's thread is pretty much about the same thing (not telling his W everything that happened at his bachelor party), and everyone (myself included) has pretty much tarred and feathered him as an insensitive, lying, conniving moron.
> 
> Most posters here tell the OP to accept it and get over it. jkdood's W is being applauded for taking him to task.


I think I've made my stance in this thread pretty clear, except that the openness I have in my marriage, I recognize wouldn't work in other marriages. Everyone is different and should find someone they share beliefs with, whether that's openness or not.

The bid difference between these two is 

1. JKdood did things IN the relationship. That's not the past, that's the present.
2. JKdood agreed to certain boundaries ahead of time and disregarded them where the OP hasn't stated that they had an agreement to tell each other everything. and then the OP's wife lied.

Don't get me wrong. Some of the statements made by the OP's wife would be very disheartening to me "I didn't think you'd ever find out so that's why I lied" specifically. The OP is married to the CIA with low security clearance LOL. It's a need to know basis and she feels he doesn't need to know. She did come clean so that's why there's hope, but still. 

JKDood is an entitled man with extremely poor boundaries who's selfish when it comes to his wife's needs and wants.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

But, can we be 100% certain that the OP's W told him EVERYTHING?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *MOST IMPORTANT advice you're going to get on here!* I'm not putting the onus on YOU for truth-telling or trying to make it YOUR fault at all.
> 
> Make sure you are CRYSTAL CLEAR that you will always prefer the truth because it's the only way you'll ever be able to trust each other and grow together. Then WALK the WALK and BE the guy she can tell the truth to without being shamed, judged, insulted, etc.
> 
> ...


Mrs Wysh always tells me when we meet one of her exes. The most recent was this Summer/Autumn while waiting in the car to get on the ferry to France. A car pulled up and I knew the woman passenger as I had worked with her. We got chatting but as soon as it was politely possible Mrs Wysh informed me that the driver was an ex.
She feels it at least lets me know what I am dealing with. In truth it makes no real difference, it just means we have a level playing field so to speak.
Perhaps if I was judgemental and all pissy about it she wouldn't be so forthcoming?
Maybe OP's wife feels that she can't tell him these things without him getting all cross.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Funny. jkdood's thread is pretty much about the same thing (not telling his W everything that happened at his bachelor party), and everyone (myself included) has pretty much tarred and feathered him as an insensitive, lying, conniving moron.
> 
> Most posters here tell the OP to accept it and get over it. jkdood's W is being applauded for taking him to task.


jkdood and his sleazeball dad deliberately broke a promise made to his wife-to-be regarding the bachelor party.

Reality13: I don't think there's a big problem here. Sounds like she lied initially because she was unexpectedly put on the spot and wasn't sure what to do. If knowing her past history is important to you then discuss it with her. Don't be judgmental. I disagree with those posters who state categorically that it's none of your business, but it also does not reflect on what kind of wife she is now. And there is no reason for her to be remorseful about anything she did before meeting you either.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> That was a very honest and balanced post.


Thank you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "You are incorrect to call people insecure who need to know who their SO has had sex with."
> 
> If you aren't insecure, why do you "need" do know? Here's what I know about my wife. She's my wife and I trust her completely. Whatever she was or wasn't before, she is my wife today. Whoever might have been before me is no threat to me. If they could butter her toast better, she'd be wearing their ring instead of mine. I don't need to give her little honesty tests and I don't need to check out her past. If I needed to do that, the time would have been before I married her. I don't buy a car and then run to the previous owners and ask if it's been drag raced.


I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I am my wifes best and she is mine, 22 years of practice.
I am also in no way threatened by her past partners.
I do , however, need to know who has slept with her before I interact with them, so that there is no secrecy between my wife and another man about sex.

I require and given my wife transparency and honesty about anything sexual, among other things.

One of our boundaries in marriage, is that she possesses my sexuality and I hers. That means I don't get to keep a former sex partner secret from her and vice versa.
I don't experience retroactive jealousy, I don't even understand it, but we both need to fully know who we are dealing with when it comes to past partners who we might bump into today.

BTW I still think your examples are not very good. 
Comparing a car to your wife?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> the other issue is conditional honesty. she would have been honest if she thought he would find out otherwise. Because she did not, she lied. That is another thing that needs to be addressed.
> 
> When you give her the safety to tell the whole truth, she needs to give you the respect of telling you the truth even when you would not otherwise find out.


:iagree:

As we see here all the time, conditional honesty (great term btw) comes back to bite in later years. Trust is broken and the entire relationship gets called into question. One doesn't know what to believe, and one wonders what else is out there.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

reality13 said:


> She does not like conflict and probably was trying to avoid it. She said that she did not think I would ever find out so saw no reason to tell me the truth.


Wow. That is a HUGE problem!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

reality13 said:


> I just kept thinking about her answer and knowing how the other person is, it was hard for me to believe that they were not together. So I asked again at a later date and she hesitantly said that they had.
> I am worried about how easy it was to lie to me.


Apparently it's not easy to lie to you because she told you eventually. You only know because she told you.

You may need to work on creating an atmosphere of safety for these sort of facts to be revealed.

You'll find a closer relationship at the end of that journey.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

Philat said:


> Reality13: I don't think there's a big problem here. Sounds like she lied initially because she was unexpectedly put on the spot and wasn't sure what to do. If knowing her past history is important to you then discuss it with her. Don't be judgmental. I disagree with those posters who state categorically that it's none of your business, but it also does not reflect on what kind of wife she is now. And there is no reason for her to be remorseful about anything she did before meeting you either.


Thanks for your words. Judgemental is what I cannot be. I am not perfect and will say to anyone. I have done things I wish I had not but I am still the best husband I can be and she is the best wife she can be. Thanks for opening my eyes.


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## reality13 (Jan 7, 2014)

dogman said:


> Apparently it's not easy to lie to you because she told you eventually. You only know because she told you.
> 
> You may need to work on creating an atmosphere of safety for these sort of facts to be revealed.
> 
> You'll find a closer relationship at the end of that journey.


So true. This has been an eye opening thread for me and I appreciate your input. I think that part of this is me needing to create the environment to talk about things safely.


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