# Feeling pressured about finding work.



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Just ranting here. 

My wife has been on me to find a full time job so that we can have more spending money which would be fine but she already has a job that pays well above what our rational living cost are and I also have side work and part time work that pays for over half our combined living expenses as well plus we are (well I am, she's just *****ing about it) a new house this summer. 

I did a job interview for a local company but ended with turning them down when they said that they expected 60 - 70+ hour a week work from me. That's way over what I can handle and do a major home construction job on as well. My wife however is pissed to no end being she says I am lazy yet she only works a 40 hour a week desk job and barely manages to handle that. 

I have told my wife a number of times I will happily take on a 70 hour work week plus the house job when she does the same and I do not consider our daily home chores part of the work hours being she can burn up a most of a day doing something I knock out in a hour. That said I view the daily home chores as a job done value not a who put more hours into doing an overall less productive effort. 

Her view of the house project is that we should take out a huge loan ($200 - $300K for $1500 a month for 30 years) and pay contractors to do it for us so that it gets done quicker. I am dead against it being the contractor costs are outrageous for what they do. 
For example to get the basement formed and poured the lowest bid was $30K and I was supplying 100% of the materials I already have the hole dug. No frigging way am I paying $30K in labor to two goons to do what I can do myself even if it takes me a month and to a likely higher end quality than they would do. (They were the low bidders after all.) 

Mostly I am just tired of being expected to work to no end to so that we can burn through cash like there is no end to it rather than work smarter and on a reasonable budget. 

BTW as is we make a combined ~$60K as is so we are by no means financially hurting and the work I can do could push us to $100K + easily enough but at the expense of me having near zero home life. 

Am I being selfish and lazy or does the princess need to get out of her tower and come down and live with the common folk and learn that not all of us are born wealthy millionaires with unlimited resources or the drive to work 100+ hour weeks until they die?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Not really in agreement with you.

You are exaggerating alot.

Do you know that you are in control of your life?

Here's how to look at the house:
If you can create more value building your house than you can earn on a job, then build the house. So, if you can create $100K of equity by doing the work yourself, and that's more then you can earn on a job, then you shold build the house yourself. However the house gets built, if the house is not worth more than the cost, then don't build it. Meaning I would hire contractors in a heartbeat and pay them 300K if the house was worth 500K afterwards. I would never pay anyone 300k if the house was onlly worth $250K when done.

You shoujld be working full time, if you are a married man. If building houses is your thing, you are good at it, can make money, then do it... Either on your own house or build houses and sell them.

Marriage is a team effort. Making your wife work equal hours to you is you looking at your marriage as an individual competition... Epic fail on that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Who would finance up to a 300K mortgage for a couple who only earns 60K? 

I agree with Hick's point about estimating the value of the work you are doing and your return on investment of your sweat equity but that's where my agreement ends.

I wouldn't want my spouse to work up to 70 hours a week. Working that much jeopardizes the relationship - where is the 'couple' time? Then with the mortgage he's locked into that for the next 30 years unless he can find a better job making the same working closer to 40.

I would saying working part time, still earning half the combined income and working the other half building your home - a labor of love - is a HUGE contribution. Afterwards you can find that full time job, contribute more money and have a lower house payment while having more free time to maintain your relationship.

I'd say it's time for a sit down with the wife. What does she expect from you financially? Emotionally? Does she realize if you have a family she'll be the one stuck at home in the evenings waiting for you to finally get home at 8pm (she'll be exhausted having to deal with the kids alone until then (even if she works FT), you'll be exhausted from the long day, have very little time with the kids OR her, risk the stability of your relationship and end up losing that dream house in a divorce?

We (collective, societal 'we') are putting too much emphasis on the big house we can impress friends with and feel prideful over, only to find the house owns us. 

I think they could at least agree right now that the long-term benefits of a lower mortgage (plus that interest on that 30-year mortgage, not just the sum of the building) coupled with it being built with TLC (assuming as he says he can do it even better) should be acknowledged by the wife as a HUGE contribution. 

Having that lower mortgage for the next 30 years may enable them to pay it off sooner, allow for more freedom to find a job he LIKES, allow for more freedom in the budget to do things they really enjoy like vacations or hobbies, maybe allow her to be a SAHM if that's something they both want or take off the pressure in the event one of them loses their job down the road...

I don't think you should make her work 70 hours if you take the job - I don't think you should take the job. I don't think she's looking at all of the angles here. 

Put a value on the home construction you'll do. Subtract that from the amount it would cost. Using online amortization schedules, look at what you save in interest on a smaller loan as well as what your final payment will be. If you finish it in one year and you save 70K on building it, you earn 30K, then you HAVE contributed 100K that year. Probably working less than 70 hours per week. I think she should help you build it.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Have you ever poured a basement? If you can do one by yourself you should be building houses or at least basements for a living....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I agree with EnjoliWoman. Based on what you told us, I feel that your contribution to the household and marriage is just about even with your wife who works a 40 hour week. 

Is your wife someone who prefers immediate gratification? It sounds like she is only focused on the short term goals and not the long term goals. Meaning, she doesn't see the value in you working part time, still contributing to household but spending the rest of your time (your other part time job) working on the house. I think it is very smart not to pay contractors for a job you can do; albiet a little longer. 

Patience is a virtue and in your case, monetarily smart. 

If my husband and I were hurting for money in a big way, I'd be upset he passed up a job opportunity regardless of how many hours they demanded of him. It would have been something until he found something better. But in your case, taking a job like that is marriage suicide.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

The fact of the matter is, she thinks your lazy and not doing what you could for no other reason than your lazy. Every day that goes by that your not working full time she loses respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

That's why she should go to the building site every evening so he can proudly show her how much more he's accomplished on their dream. 

If he's all talk and no action, doesn't really have the skills, etc. I'd agree. But if he's really working on the house, that's not lazy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm. Aside from what the good advice offered here... I wonder if you and your wife are on the same page with regards to "rational living costs". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just because someone is "working hard" on something like this doesn't really mean their adding value to the process. I make good money slinging computer code. I could figure out how to build a house; I'm a pretty smart cookie. But it would be much more cost effective for me to work full time (and maybe take a side job) and hire someone who already has the tools and connections and knowledge to do that work building the house. It would also get done a lot faster by someone who knows what they're doing already, rather than learning as they go. From the financial side, there's not much question for me where the value is. From a "satisfaction" side, it would be more enjoyable to live in a house and be able to say "I built this". Everyone has to weigh those two things to determine their values, I guess. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I've built a house (a big one) and I've seen my parents build two and my brother two. It's possible for a knowledgeable person to successfully GC their own home, and _sometimes_ they even come out ahead financially doing it. There are certain things that the good DIYer homeowner can reasonably tackle. There are some things that even the mad-skilz homeowner is an idiot to attempt on their own - unless they also happen to be a general contractor with a very good crew already on staff. And unless you plan on working on your house for the better part of a decade, or have significant cash savings to blow on it, paying as you go to build a house won't be practical. Eventually, you'll probably need a loan of some type, even if it's not a traditional mortgage, just to finally get finished so you can move in a reasonable timeframe. 

All that said, do you have all your ducks in a row on building the house? Is it possible that your wife is anxious about money because she sees you planning to take on more than you're maybe fully qualified to tackle and that feels risky to her? Is she uncomfortable with spending what it's going to take out of pocket to build the house, while living in your current one, on your current household income? Is it possible she just has financial support near the top of her list of emotional needs and feels financially and emotionally unsafe with you not working full time?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Have you ever poured a basement? If you can do one by yourself you should be building houses or at least basements for a living....


Yes I have done concrete work and am fairly good at it. I also have most of the primary tools and equipment for doing it. On top of that I have a good friend who does professional concrete work and is very good at it that will trade his labor largely for future use of my tools and equipment he does not have! 
So yes for this overall project I am more than sufficiently equipped and knowledgeable to tackle it.;
The only thing is that to save us $30K in labor it might take the two of us a month or more of our evenings and available weekend time to do it. 



> Is your wife someone who prefers immediate gratification? It sounds like she is only focused on the short term goals and not the long term goals. Meaning, she doesn't see the value in you working part time, still contributing to household but spending the rest of your time (your other part time job) working on the house. I think it is very smart not to pay contractors for a job you can do; albiet a little longer.
> 
> Patience is a virtue and in your case, monetarily smart.


She is very impatient and highly overestimates her capacity to do work while usually as equally underestimating others abilities to do work. I think of it as a sitcom type mentality. Everything has to be a major crisis and be sorted out and fixed in half and hour to an hour. The reality that there are a huge amount of unpredictable or rationally unforeseeable obstacles that can get in the way is not relevant when she gets worked up. 

On top of it she seems to have very short foresight on what a large loan does to a person or family if and when work ever goes bad. I have been there done that and learned the hard way that instant gratification is not worth the long term payback if neither is fully justified. 



> That's why she should go to the building site every evening so he can proudly show her how much more he's accomplished on their dream.
> 
> If he's all talk and no action, doesn't really have the skills, etc. I'd agree. But if he's really working on the house, that's not lazy.


In every improvement project we have ever done here I have always encouraged her to participate in whatever capacity she can. I never expect more out her than I know she is capable of. That said I rarely find that her body can put forth anywhere close to what her mouth claims in return. 

I never expect her to match me 100% on strength knowledge or skill but just putting in the honest time without fuss or excuses is all I ask for and even that rarely goes over all that well which frustrates me to no end. 



> Hmmm. Aside from what the good advice offered here... I wonder if you and your wife are on the same page with regards to "rational living costs".


No we are not on the same page. I believe in saving money by learning to do new things. She believes in her convenience at near all cost. 
She drove my truck to work most of last winter because she did not 'feel like' learning how to drive her car better in the winter. My truck uses double the fuel plus needs double the warm up time for her to get it to where its comfortable by her standards.
Given that at one point it was getting around 5 MPG for her 35 mile round trip to work and back every day. That was costing us about a $1 a mile Vs driving her car that cost me about 23 cents a mile simply due to it's far better fuel economy and much shorter warm up time and not once all winter the roads ever bad enough that I was not able to drive her car to town or back. BUt hey she was at least paying for her own gas to go to her job this year.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> All that said, do you have all your ducks in a row on building the house? Is it possible that your wife is anxious about money because she sees you planning to take on more than you're maybe fully qualified to tackle and that feels risky to her? Is she uncomfortable with spending what it's going to take out of pocket to build the house, while living in your current one, on your current household income? Is it possible she just has financial support near the top of her list of emotional needs and feels financially and emotionally unsafe with you not working full time?


I consider my skill set to me more than sufficient. Where we live now 15 years ago was nothing but a overgrown native hill side. I rented a dozer and loader and did all the dirt work myself back then. I also did the large percentage of the utility installs plus built a 32' x 64' shop all by myself. 

As this project goes so far we have put two summers into it and have picked up the old house moved it to a new spot lower in the yard plus put in all new water sewer and power services myself along with tying the house heat back into the shop boiler system even though they are now some 350 feet apart and all of that was done on a pay as I want budget with very little outside help including the moving the old house and resetting it.

I know I have the skills and resources to do this project. The thing is I am willing to accept that it's going to take most of the next 3 - 5 years of my spare time and resources to do it but in return it will saves us about 15 years worth of loan payments.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

If you have that kind of equipment and skill set why are you not running a successful contracting business?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How are you going to save $30k in labour if it's something you can do with two people in your evenings and weekends in one month? At 4 hours per night and 16 hours on the weekend, times two people, that works out to less than 300 hours of work. Unless the laborers in your area are making $100 per hour, the math doesn't add up easily...

How many days would it take to get it done if you hired a crew to do it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you can save 30yrs of compounding interest if can can build it yourself and pay for the material as you go.

if you can't then its best to buy one thats already built.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> If you have that kind of equipment and skill set why are you not running a successful contracting business?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure it depends on the area of the country but around my area in 2009 even the best workers were struggling in the bad economy. Foreclosures everywhere, no buyers except low-ballers who turned homes into rentals. New neighborhoods with roads and lots marked but no houses just sat for years. It's just now picking back up. It's a business that highly reflects the state of the economy. So even if he wanted to (and I have no idea if he has the skills) there's no guarantee the work is there.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

married tech, 

Let me ask. You don't notice you've not once said anything she does positively to contribute to this marriage? Have you ever thought as two separate people it's normal to approach things differently? Wouldn't you think, rather than getting in a power struggle, you could take the role of leader and give your partner something she might feel more comfortable with? Meet somewhere in between lately? How long would you expect your wife to wait for the house to be built and you to finally gain steady employment with benefits? 

BTW, My wife is a very capable driver. She drove a stick shift well into her forties. Yet, when winter comes I give her my truck, because it makes her feel safe. You may have a lot of reasons for why you think your right, But, your ideas and behaviors aren't making your wife feel safe. If you don't find a way to make her feel safe and comfortable with you and your decisions, she's going to continue to be in conflict with you. 

IMO, The next time she gets a car, it should be a Subaru, if you don't want her driving your gas guzzling truck. There's always another way.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

(Pause while John wears his Dr. Obvious costume)

A $300k home is about half materials and half labor, give or take. The GC takes a pretty big cut esp. in a small operation. So, a 3000 sq ft home would cost 100/sq ft and half is labor so $150k.

At $60k a year you aren't going to be saving for a decade for the materials so you need to get a loan. There's no bank in the planet that would finance a DIY home. 

Dr. Obvious would suggest you start with a basic design and add on as time and money allows. Finance the main part via a construction loan, do some of the work yourself - bank needs 95% complete - then move in, and do one addition at a time. 

This may be daunting but it's mostly a design problem that your wife should be more than qualified to handle. You're likely living in a part of the country where building codes and such are lax so...... 

I never did this but had 3 houses built in 30 years so...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> How are you going to save $30k in labour if it's something you can do with two people in your evenings and weekends in one month? At 4 hours per night and 16 hours on the weekend, times two people, that works out to less than 300 hours of work. Unless the laborers in your area are making $100 per hour, the math doesn't add up easily...
> 
> How many days would it take to get it done if you hired a crew to do it?


The two guys figured around 100 labor hours so that was about $300 an hour. 

My buddy figured we can do it in half that with modern foam forms VS the old style forming they were going to use. 



> If you have that kind of equipment and skill set why are you not running a successful contracting business?


Business insurance, liability and what not. Personally I do odd work on the side for cash with my equipment but ultimately no I do not want to deal with the full blown hassles of running a business 80 hours a week. 
Not all of us are in this world to amass resources to try and be bigger richer more powerful than the next person. Some of us just like to do our own thing and are content with the joy and good feelings that doing your own work for your own benefit brings. 



> 'm sure it depends on the area of the country but around my area in 2009 even the best workers were struggling in the bad economy


North Dakota oil fields. You figure it out from there. Too much work not enough workers and way too much greed from those doing the type of work I need done. 



> Let me ask. You don't notice you've not once said anything she does positively to contribute to this marriage? Have you ever thought as two separate people it's normal to approach things differently? Wouldn't you think, rather than getting in a power struggle, you could take the role of leader and give your partner something she might feel more comfortable with? Meet somewhere in between lately? How long would you expect your wife to wait for the house to be built and you to finally gain steady employment with benefits?
> 
> BTW, My wife is a very capable driver. She drove a stick shift well into her forties. Yet, when winter comes I give her my truck, because it makes her feel safe. You may have a lot of reasons for why you think your right, But, your ideas and behaviors aren't making your wife feel safe. If you don't find a way to make her feel safe and comfortable with you and your decisions, she's going to continue to be in conflict with you.


I have several other threads related to these topics. Simple answer is yes she wants me to lead in our life but at her directions which far to often do not sit well with me. 
She wanted me to do some of the cooking but then would not let the family eat what I made because I made it different than she agreed with. Not made wrong just used a different way of mixing and cooking. 
She wants me to clean the house which is fine and I will do it when it gets to where I see a need for it. Her standard of clean is way way higher than mine.
I am supposed to be in control of our finances but not in control of the money she makes. (My money is our money and her money is her money and right now I am expected to get more work because she ran us out of money.) 

She wants to start her own business but to be honest her dream choices are in my views highly unrealistic. She wants to open her won restaurant but she also wants to hire a cook for at home because she does not like cooking. ?????? 

She wants to start her own drafting and architecture firm which I know full well would likely require her to put in 70 - 80+ hour work weeks to get it flying yet she can barely make it through her present drafting job at 40 hours a week and she fully admits to not actually drawing anything one or two days a week.

She wants to spend more time at home with the family but dream jobs one and two would make that almost impossible so the only other option to have the potential lifestyle that that sort of work load would bring home is to drive me out of the house and have me go and work those sort of hours. Which to be honest I did that years ago to get my life to the point where I am at now so that I can work part time pay all the bills and have a family life.  

Basically I see it as if you want that sort of lifestyle you go and get it yourself. I already went and got the one I wanted. Selfish or not I didn't put in my past lifes work just so that I could work even harder now that I have a family. 

Does any of that make sense.:scratchhead:


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> A $300k home is about half materials and half labor, give or take. The GC takes a pretty big cut esp. in a small operation. So, a 3000 sq ft home would cost 100/sq ft and half is labor so $150k.
> 
> At $60k a year you aren't going to be saving for a decade for the materials so you need to get a loan. There's no bank in the planet that would finance a DIY home.
> 
> ...


Fully agree with your assessment on that but I already have all the base material on hand for the build. The concrete pour is the #1 over the top cost layout I have for this. 

I have been working towards this new house project for some years amassing all the materials and resources I can find and justify towards it and all with the intent of not needing any degree of loan for the bank if possible even though start to finish I am see this as a 10 year project of which I am presently about half way through.  

To pour the basement all that I need is a helper and a few good weeks to do the foundation work, sewer and sub floor heating system installs and other sub surface prep work. No major financial outlay either $15K is more than enough to have a full basement ready to set a 2 year old flood house on of which I already have sitting all stripped out and ready to go as well.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

married tech said:


> Does any of that make sense.:scratchhead:


Why yes, it does. You'd be happier by yourself.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Why yes, it does. You'd be happier by yourself.


Unfortunately I tend to agree. I never planned on finding a woman getting married or having kids. 

I am one of those people who does not find being by myself lonely and I have never had a day in my life I ever felt bored because I had nothing to do!


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi married tech it sounds like your wife is all over the place. And she does not concentrate on the future but RIGHT NOW if what you are saying is true about her being short sighted when it comes to life than unless you can get through to her than it will always be like this, and she also sounds very very controlling. I'm sorry you are here.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

She has a lot of good days but unfortunately she has a very strong underlying drive to be competitive and jealous and will not step back and take a good look at whether or not all of her goals or expectations are realistic or rational as a whole. 

That makes my life rough being I am a long game player who has plans strategies and reasonings based on goals for things that can and have taken years or more to set up and fulfill. 

She sees this house project as being a 6 - 8 month start to finish thing and hell be damned the cost to get it there. I see it as a goal I have been after for nearly a decade and have been amassing the serious materials and equipment towards for the last five years to just now reach the point where I can justify the actual step that now involves putting the new house in its permanent place.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

So which is it?

This?



married tech said:


> I never planned on finding a woman getting married or having kids.
> !


Or this?



married tech said:


> I am a long game player who has plans strategies and reasonings based on goals for things that can and have taken years or more to set up and fulfill.


???


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Both. The wife and family part was never a serious part of my long term goals. Either it happened or it didn't either way was fine with me but since I have them I do appreciate their presence far more than I ever could have imagined. :smthumbup:

FWIW she has made it clear she is just as frustrated with the "slow movement and lack of timely organization" I show at home but at her workplace with pretty much everyone she has to deal with there as well. 

I have given up past jobs for similar reasons due to overload from poor management and overall poor business practice which is largely why I prefer doing my own thing. 
From that I do infact encourage her to pursue her goals and if being self employed is one of them I am all for it and support her but I can not do it for her which is what I get the strongest impression that that is what she wants. 

It's not that I don't want to help her with it it's just that what she wants is way outside of my knowledge and skill sets to be able to work or cope with at any serious level.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Any thought in you working full time for a couple years till she completes a graduate college degree to allow her to practice in the USA ?? With her years of practice it should be pretty easily doable...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I honestly have no problems with going back to work in a full time 50 - 60 hour a week job once this part of the house project is done and fully plan to.

I have made that clear to her countless times. The problem is that this project is not moving at her assumed speed. I can't fight her impatience and unrealistic time scale estimates. The only defense I have is to flat out keep telling her that if she wants it done faster either she has to do the work herself or find a way to get the money to pay someone else to do it for us which both fall well outside of ever being a realistic expectation. 

I can not in good judgment take out a loan for 2x the end value of the house project just to get it done quickly and then be stuck with a high monthly loan payment until the day I retire just to please her. 

I can't find a more fair way to rationalize this. It will get it done but not as quickly as she is expecting from me.  

I am not mad at her but she is mad at me for something neither of us has any real control over at this time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, use the old argument of location, location, location. A $300k home in the middle of less expensive homes is not a good idea. 

But you have to do the numbers. Let's say you and her agree to buy $150k materials and it takes you 2-3 years to finish. You still need that $150k for materials so you do have to borrow it. At this point whether 150 or 300 loan you're toast, and nobody will give you 150k loan to get materials with no collateral.

I've got 3 construction loans and they were not fun by a mile. Banks have learned their lesson.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

People make $300/hr putting in a basement? I'm in the wrong business...

C


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> But you have to do the numbers. Let's say you and her agree to buy $150k materials and it takes you 2-3 years to finish. You still need that $150k for materials so you do have to borrow it. At this point whether 150 or 300 loan you're toast, and nobody will give you 150k loan to get materials with no collateral.


Exactly. I have done the numbers and done them so many times it's almost sad now. We are not rich well of people. I don't have huge financial resources but I have considerable material assets and resources to work with that most others do not.

I have spent my whole life living without credit cards and the few vehicle and other loans I have ever taken out got paid off early. That in itself puts me in the credit raining of marginal. I am not a money maker for banks. 

Simply put both the banks and I know I am not the sort of person they make money off of and that is why I prefer to do things myself and accept that time is something I have to spend far more than outright cash. My wife does not get that.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Just thinking out loud here. 

I have been pondering on this for a while now and in a lot of ways I am finding that most of this comes from her feeling that I should change a way of life I have had for years that worked very well for me and got me to where I am now which is reasonably happy and content with the what and where I am in life. 

It's not that I fear a change but what I feel I am being asked to do which is take on huge debts then lock myself into a job with long hours for years to come in order to pay off that debt just does not sit well with me. Especially when all evidence of her actions suggests she wants as little of the end financial responsibility as possible. 

Her view is that as the man of the house I am supposed to provide for the family by taking on the heavy debt burdened then working long hours to pay that debt off so that my family can coast by and have a easy life. I'm sorry but that is not how I was raised nor how I have ever lived my life. Maybe that was the standard in a past old fashioned culture but in the culture I have to live and deal with today it's not. 

If I have to be the primary provider like in the old days then the house is going to be ran by my rules of which she would never go for and I really don't want that type of relationship anyway. 

I work and she works. We make what we make and we use our resources to the best of our abilities and accept the limitations as we go along. Thats my thoughts anyway.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You're beginning to find out the perils of marrying a woman from a male dominated society... Not as bad as, say, Saudi Arabia but enough "I will fix them men" attitude to make joint decisions difficult.

Some women coming out of such countries accept the man as leader of the household but some, after aeons of culture, decide to do it their way.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Yea I kind of got that impression as well. 

That and I think she wanted someone to rescue her from her average life after having grown up with average parents with average jobs who made average pay in Avarageville Turkey only to find me who also grew up with average parents with average jobs in Averageville USA where I prefer to have an average life and live within an average income range as well.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Better than than being married to the Princess of Frigidistan...

They seem to do well marrying other people from the same ethnic group but don't always work as well married to outsiders. If they are put on the pedestal and worshipped cat style it works otherwise...


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Apart from the fact that I would not take out a credit in this economic environment I will just add my two cent (without having read every answer):
Maybe your wife hates having you at home. Because a man is a man and must work outside. That's how it was done for ages. She would happily stay home. Ever thought of that? She might prefer the old fashioned role model.
You could suggest her the following: You build the house in xxx months. And it WILL be finished by that. Afterwards you search a full time job and she can stay home half of the time. (and don't take a credit)


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Marriage is a team effort. Making your wife work equal hours to you is you looking at your marriage as an individual competition... Epic fail on that.


It sounds like he's simply responding to his wife, who is so fixated on him working full time for someone else. The epic fail there is on her side. It's not a competition, but both partners should contribute equally. 

I wouldn't take a job that forced me to work 60-70 hours a week away from home, unless it was only as needed during peak times of the year, not all year around. 

I'm in the military, and yes, I've worked plenty of long hours. Heck, when deployed, I was working 84 hour weeks (12 hour shifts all 7 days). But I have a lot of "normal" weeks also, and a lot of days off to make up for it.

One consideration though. Even if you get great value by doing a lot of the house by yourself, it may not be worth it in the long run if it takes you out of your career field for a year or more. Many employers look at people who haven't been in the workforce for 6 months or longer as out of date and no longer in the fast lane.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You could do this DIY work as part of a company..... Make a company name, register, etc. Then you can list it as experience.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> You could do this DIY work as part of a company..... Make a company name, register, etc. Then you can list it as experience.


Been doing it for about 8 or so years now! 

Not new to this self employment game by any means. That's the frustrating part for me. I know how to make a living doing what I do every day at home. 

It may not be as glamorous and high paying as doing work for others but it keeps a load of stress off my shoulders and rewards me with far more free time to spend with friends and family than most any other type of work ever would. 

She knows that is very important to me and always has been.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Who manages finances? Do you guys budget or is it a free for all?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I used to run our basic budget but that pretty much fell apart. I got tired of the constantly having to remind her of what she needed to contribute out of every paycheck only to get a load of reasons why she couldn't but will make it up on the next check which again never happened until the savings were drained. 

My accounts had money, our joint accounts only ever had the money I put in them and her accounts have never had money. 

I gave up trying and now only keep enough in our joint account to pay one insurance bill that we had originally agreed to both contribute to when I set it up to draw from that account. 

Next time I meet with them I am going to try and remember to get that transferred over to my personal account as well.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

There is your answer then.

If neither of you guys don't know your financial standing, budgets etc....how in the world can she possibly know what's needed etc.

Force her into it. Tell her she has to manage it with you and you both set budgets and follow monthly plans.

Watch her closely when you do. If she react with anger or gets defensive, chances are she is overspending and does not want to cut back.

At this point you need to question HER vs other way around.

Just me though....


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I know our standing. Near zero and pay as we go is not too difficult to remember.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You either need to cut back on spending or get more income.

Without knowing her/yours spending habits it will be hard to say if you need to work more etc.

Also it would be hard to calculate your income, but maybe it's something you might want to do to prove to her that you contribute plenty.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Presently she makes ~$45K a year and I take it to about $60K+ without having a normal job. All major expenses are paid and we have zero loans. Base living cost is under $1500 a month and I don't spend a dime that is not justified. 

Before she got her new job and I still had my last one we were on the high side of $75K a year while still having less than $1100 a month in expenses. 

We are not poor and one of us does not spend much on anything that is not justified or new house related.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

married tech said:


> Unfortunately I tend to agree. I never planned on finding a woman getting married or having kids.
> 
> I am one of those people who does not find being by myself lonely and I have never had a day in my life I ever felt bored because I had nothing to do!


Then that might be your answer right there. Marriage is certainly not for everyone.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

60k for a household is not very much. 

I outearn my husband quite a bit, but if he didn't work FT, we would be divorcing. With or without house projects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

married tech said:


> Presently she makes ~$45K a year and I take it to about $60K+ without having a normal job. All major expenses are paid and we have zero loans. Base living cost is under $1500 a month and I don't spend a dime that is not justified.
> 
> Before she got her new job and I still had my last one we were on the high side of $75K a year while still having less than $1100 a month in expenses.
> 
> We are not poor and one of us does not spend much on anything that is not justified or new house related.


In that case you need a full time job....she wants you to be a man and contribute.

If you are willing to work, everything will work out. Her concerns are justified.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your life is not the life she wants and it's unlikely she's ever going to be happy with it. Wasn't that discussed before you married her?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> 60k for a household is not very much.


Where we live $60K is more than double the average cost of living wages and will provide for a very good life if budgeted properly.



> Your life is not the life she wants and it's unlikely she's ever going to be happy with it. Wasn't that discussed before you married her?


Discussed in length and continually reminded of it well before we said the I do's. She loved me for who I was and I thought she saw that I was more than capable of handling my life at it fit. 

Her views of life however changed drastically over the last year or so. She has become very controlling and demanding plus her willingness to contribute and put forth an effort towards her personal goals has dropped to near zero levels.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If she's contributing 3/4 of the $60k don't you think that in her mind she has a reason to act this way?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Well when I was contributing 4/5th's of $75k+ and she was not doing anything productive to save us money at home how do you think I felt?

I'm being productive and saving us piles of avoided expenditures here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

married tech said:


> Well when I was contributing 4/5th's of $75k+ and she was not doing anything productive to save us money at home how do you think I felt?
> 
> I'm being productive and saving us piles of avoided expenditures here.


Bring it up to her, see what she says.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'll tell you... If I was working full time bringing in 45k, and my wife was working part time bringing in 15k and was telling me how it was ok because she was saving us money by doing the laundry herself, all the housework, etc, I'd be rather grumpy about the situation. Especially if she had the potential to be making a lot more just by working full time. I don't know what your earning potential is, if you were to be working 40 hours a week, but whatever. Apparently you can do about 15k of construction labour in the evenings and weekends of a single month (30k/2), so your earning potential seems significant. And you're willing to forgo that income for 3 to 5 years to build a house...

What can I say... I don't necessarily think you or your wife is wrong. But you're on very different pages when it comes to contributions to the household. Whether you find people to agree with you in here or not is pointless, unless your wife is in here and you can convince her that you're doing the right thing. Because she's the only other person whose opinion matters. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's changed. Or else you are seeing the true her coming out. Whatever the reason, can you live with that going forward?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

For and update. 

I did a long job interview yesterday for another company and I have a very good chance of getting a high paying low physical workload job that fits my skill sets perfectly. Monthly average take home will be between double and triple what my wife makes and she does well herself. 

On top of that the jobs work schedule fits my life very well. 

Now my wife is not so sure I should take it being that it would have me gone two weeks and home for a full week. She says I don't do anything around the house yet now she says she does not want me gone that long because she won't be able to keep things up at home herself. ?????????:scratchhead:

Now for the really weird part if I get the job she feels that since I will be pulling in that high of take home pay I should be reimbursing her 100% for what she gets taken out of her paycheck for insurance and what not. That and she has loads of things she figures we can afford to buy with the extra money.

I told her flat out I will be making the money so I will decide how and where it gets spent (actually about 1/3 will go to joint savings) since presently being she is the primary income earner here she decides on how and where her money goes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you two want to be combatants, or partners? Even your thread about going to counselors seems that it's a competition to see who's "wrong". 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

married tech said:


> Well when I was contributing 4/5th's of $75k+ and she was not doing anything productive to save us money at home how do you think I felt?
> 
> I'm being productive and saving us piles of avoided expenditures here.


I don't see how this adversarial approach by the both of you can help.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I am not trying to be a deliberate adversary or combatant. 

I try to keep things as fair and proportional as I can but that is incredibly hard to do when you never are sure what the other person is going to pull out next or how they are going to try and re weight the balance.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

You two are working against each other!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I think Mrs. MT needs to become familiar with American customs, such as the idea of splitting marital property in the case of a divorce regardless of source in most states.

Going to pity fights like to pay $40 of our phone and I pay $60 of the cable bill is highly like to cause big issues down the road. Even my wife who is of similar mindset does not do think in that manner. 

It's a minefield and you recall don't want to get involved in the details.

If you want to have separate accounts it needs to be each contributing equal percentages - not amounts. 

Draw a budget and track with software and stick to it. It is likely she converts everything to Turkish currency and does not comprehend subtle differences like taxes etc.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

It's problems like these that make me glad I'm not married and have full control over my finances.

I find it odd that she wants reimbursement for amounts paid. Is this a marriage or a business?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I find it odd that she wants reimbursement for amounts paid. Is this a marriage or a business?


She has spending issues that she feels only more money will cure. 

I know better.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Was she well off back home? Or just making ends meet?

In my experience a lot of immigrants go either flat out saving every penny or spending it. Most are #1s but occasionally you run into a #2. We are #3's, a lot of both  ie don't waste money but live the "good life" where needed and don't cut corners quality wise.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I don't think you're looking for answers, or is it just me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Was she well off back home? Or just making ends meet?



As average as a persons family can get. Same with mine. She has always had high expectations of her life but I found that her drive to achieve them is more a drive to get others to maker her life better for her which is where we differ greatly. 



> I don't think you're looking for answers, or is it just me?


Mostly just venting.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blame the previous generations of immigrants for expectations.

I had two neighbors who immigrated to this country. One made it big by becoming - I kid you not - a cartoon voice. The other put two kids they medical school in New Jersey by running his own plaster/lathe repair business, his trade in the old country...

So you pump expectations by 100x then when things don't pan out at 100x or even 10x you get unrealistic, resentment creeps in, and sll of a sudden you're pi$$ed off with the rest of the world, etc.

How am I doing?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Nailed it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Houses are more trouble than they're worth. 
Once you build a house, whether you build it or pay someone to build it, the next thing that will come along will be the furnishings, then the landscaping, then the renovations and additions will come, then the upgrades to lighting and home electronics. It will never end. I would avoid building any house, but that's just me.
Houses are a trap. Once you are in a house in a set location, you are married to the mortgage, you are married to the town and the town taxes, you are at risk for eminent domain and horrible neighbors, and the whims of nature. You cannot move easily and so you are in an inferior position of power at your place of employment. You also cannot pick up easily and leave for any reason, whether family or personal crisis or whatever might come along. My genetics are nomadic, so it may be just me. But when it comes to houses I am probably close to clinically paranoid. I had good luck with one, bought low, sold high. But it was a house that I knew I was going to buy when I was 12, so I think that one was in my destiny somehow, it gave me enough income by sheer luck to live three years without working. The others I got out even. Houses for me = no. As you can see, they cause a lot of problems even before they are built! I don't really think that they solve any, either.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Well I found a job and just got hired on! 

Wife is still not happy even though I will be putting in a two week on one week off schedule and bringing home between two to three times her take home pay and about 8 - 10 times my present monthly average.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

married tech said:


> Well I found a job and just got hired on!
> 
> Wife is still not happy even though I will be putting in a two week on one week off schedule and bringing home between two to three times her take home pay and about 8 - 10 times my present monthly average.


Congratulations!!!:smthumbup:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

married tech said:


> Well I found a job and just got hired on!
> 
> 
> 
> Wife is still not happy even though I will be putting in a two week on one week off schedule and bringing home between two to three times her take home pay and about 8 - 10 times my present monthly average.



Awesome. What unit of Blackwater did you sign on with? :rofl:


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I will be working as an electrical and electronics tech for a company in the North Dakota oil fields of which my wife has be pressuring me to go and get a job there for two years now. 

She got exactly what she wanted and is still not overly thrilled about it.


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