# What to do when one has a higher sex drive than the other?



## tab123 (Nov 15, 2012)

Firstly, I am new here so hello to everyone. I hope I can help many people here as well as get some valuable help myself.

So I have been with my wife 5 years and married for one. As always, sex was exciting and passionate at the beginning / first year, then it slowly deteriorated until now its almost non existent. 
I have a really high sex drive, but she does not; in fact, while we have talked about our lack of sex in our relationship she brought up how sex is not a top priority but claims she likes to enjoy it. 
Do you think something like this should have been discussed before getting married? Knowing that I have a very high sex drive and her knowing that she doesnt is a massive clash and is causing issues. She will never initiate, I have to initiate, in fact when talking about it this is what I am advised - do all the work! Also, she is not very experimental and just likes it quick and robotic.
to me this doesnt seem fair nor natural or even healthy. It feels like I am being selfish for wanting sex. 
A few things I have tried so far: talk, talk, talk, aphrodisiacs, touching, cuddling, masturbation, initiate in public, different rooms, toys, lube but nothing really makes her passionate. Hot and wanting it. OK, she can get turned on once in a while and allow me in for 5 mins.
What am I doing wrong?
Has anyone got any tips or advice?
Is this common?
Do you think maybe she just has a low sex drive?

I turn to porn more often than not and I am starting to get lazy, please give me some inspiration.
Thanks.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I think you turning to porn is probably more a symptom than a cause. 

Just as I think lack of sexual response is itself a symptom of something.


Think about this for yourself: do you want to have sex with women you're not *attracted* to? 

It's possible your wife isn't sexually attracted to you right now?

Don't think merely in terms of "drives" - her drive towards YOU is a direct reflection of how sexually attracted to you she is. 

Find out what she's attracted to. Work on that. If she's not sexually attracted to anything, you think of other options.


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

I feel your pain bro, I too have the same issue and have yet to find a solution that is long lasting. Changing things up in the bedroom does help though. Good luck


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## tab123 (Nov 15, 2012)

Hey, thanks for the quick replies. I don’t think porn has really come between us, in fact while my wife does not watch porn she claims she does masturbate. As a test we decided not to masturbate at all in a effort to get our sex life back on track. For about 2 weeks I was absolutely out of control, but no action. I must admit, my wife has never been mind blowing in that department, its not why I married her she has other really amazing qualities. Every now and then we seem to have one great moment but this is rare and I think happens out of desperation - maybe up to three times a year. I am also starting to lose attraction myself. 
I like your idea of just focusing on what she likes. Good idea, actually she would like the attention as well. Unfortunately, it seems women prefer surprises or hidden messages, they don’t like telling you outright! So how do you play the game?


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## Serif (Nov 16, 2012)

I've been a lurker on these forums for a while, finally decided to start posting today 

My wife and I went through a time of real rockiness and we've always been really good at talking through stuff. It's just that with comfort often comes complacency. 

I've seen it suggested to other people a number of times on these forums to look at the five love languages.... it's such a mind-bending idea if you've never heard of them. To sum it up, there are 5 major areas of intimate communication: touch, speech, gifts, service, and time. We all speak one of these as our first language and one or two as our second languages. 
I'm touch. I communicate and receive love the greatest through touch. My wife is gifts. Personally, I couldn't care less if she bought me a gift, but if she does, I need to hear her saying, "I love you," because that's what it means. Her first language isn't touch, but she's had to learn that that's what my touching means. It doesn't mean, "You're a sex toy." Or, "I want sex." That's me saying, "I love you." But in order for me to say it properly to her, I need to give her gifts, and in order for her to say it properly to me, she needs to touch me.

A woman maintains so many stresses simultaneously that something like physical intimacy very easily falls by the wayside. For *most* women, emotional intimacy trumps physical and as long as the emotional is perceived as intact, the physical isn't as necessary. Whereas men need the physical connection almost as proof of the emotional.

Anyway. Communication is the SINGLE biggest saver of relationships. Lack of it and assumption are killers. You need to honestly and calmly (not during an argument or emotional time) talk about what you want and what she wants. If she masturbates, then obviously she has a drive and uses it. Tell her to teach you how to do it properly for her.

You desire your wife, this is good!
She has a sex drive,this is good!
She's satisfying herself, this is not good.
You're satisfying yourself, this is not good.

Talk, find out what she wants, not just in bed, but in marriage. Find out what things she worries about and how you can lighten that load. A woman who feels safe is much more inclined to open herself, body and soul, to you.

Cheers friend.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You married her despite this huge problem. When you did that you fully communicated your acceptance of being starved


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What is the rest of your marriage like?

When you have sex is she satisfied?

Who seems to wear the pants, so to speak, and be honest?

Do you have children?

Do you meet her emotional needs?

Are you not just a nice guy, but one who people would describe as a doormat? Do you fear upsetting her? allways give in to her? Does she ever put you down?

Stop watching porn, I don't think it help a marriage and allows her to think porn will suffice. But the facts are even if she doesn't know it her needs are not being met and yours definitely aren't. 

This leaves your marriage open to a whole host of probems.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Stop watching porn, I don't think it help a marriage and allows her to think porn will suffice. But the facts are even if she doesn't know it her needs are not being met and yours definitely aren't.
> 
> This leaves your marriage open to a whole host of probems.


pfff if he stop watching porn how can he help himself then if W is LD and he is HD. So what will you advice then?

one thing for sure is that you need to spice up your bedroom and talk about her fantasies (and even try to act on it!) or learn some extra moves instead of making sex boring (like a chore)

one of the major reasons of incompatibility of sex drive is because men tends to starve sexually while women starved emotionally. Do care and being affectionate to your wife? Do you help her out in the house (doing more housework gives you a chance to have more sex)

hope this helps


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

the liberal one said:


> pfff if he stop watching porn how can he help himself then if W is LD and he is HD. So what will you advice then?
> 
> one thing for sure is that you need to spice up your bedroom and talk about her fantasies (and even try to act on it!) or learn some extra moves instead of making sex boring (like a chore)
> 
> ...


Yes no one ever masturbated without or before mainstream porn.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Yes no one ever masturbated without or before mainstream porn.


after reading a few of your post why do you so against porn? religious reasons?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> because men tends to starve sexually while women starved emotionally


For me it was the other way round, actually wait, come to think of it we both starved emotionally


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> For me it was the other way round, actually wait, come to think of it we both starved emotionally


well your case is unique


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

tab123 said:


> I like your idea of just focusing on what she likes. Good idea, actually she would like the attention as well. Unfortunately, it seems women prefer surprises or hidden messages, they don’t like telling you outright! So how do you play the game?


There are many good approached listed here on TAM. Please be mindful that every woman is different and will respond to different things

Personally, I have had limited success in this area. Any attempts I made (counseling, Love Languages, talks, etc) usually resulted in only short term gains and then it went back to the same old same old.

I wish you better luck!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage. You will go through periods of occasional sex, arguments over it, silent treatment and also pleasantly surprising high volume stretches.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage. You will go through periods of occasional sex, arguments over it, silent treatment and also pleasantly surprising high volume stretches.


interestingly i heard a quote "love ends with marriage", to what extent does this quote hold for all couples?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What should be done when one spouse feels hunger but the other is unable to feel hunger? Should both be compelled to suffer starvation? If one spouse has a brain injury which prevents them from feeling cold, should their spouse be expected to freeze to death or suffer frost-bite?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

A book I often recommend to wade through this issue....

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 

There are 10 libido types:

1. *Sensual*
2. *Erotic*
3. *Compulsive*
4. *Dependent*
5. *Stressed*
6. *Disinterested*
7. *Detached*
8. *Addictive*
9. *Entitled*
10. *Reactive* 

Can figure out yours here>>>  Identifying your Libido Type 

Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other...

The Classic Lover 
The Exotic Lover 
The Suave Lover 
The Carnal Lover 
The Devoted Lover 
The Surprising Lover
The Romantic Lover 
The Liberated Lover

Love Languages Test here - in case you haven't done this - to see where you each feel the most loved >> The 5 Love Languages TEST 

Just something you could both do together and learn about each other along the way ...in hopes to pleasing each other more so (and understanding why each is the way they are )... hopefully this can bridge the gap some.


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