# A lot of water under this bridge. Please read and help me!



## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Been married 26.5 years, we married age 21 and 22 back in 1986.

In 2000, my husband and I lived in TX and he was transferred to AR. I had a great job that I loved making as much as he made, two children in school and we owned our home. This is why we decided that he would live in AR during the week and make the 5 hour drive home every weekend until he could find a job back in TX. He did this for 9 months.

In 2002 I was off work one day, he was not home and for some reason I logged into his computer. AOL instant messenger popped up. Saved password and username so I logged in. A woman unknown to me who I later found out was a woman he had worked with in AR, immediately started a conversation. I was writing short responses as not to let her know she was not actually talking to him, I was trying to figure out who she was. She started talking about how she missed going down to the bridge with him and their lunches together. I lost it.

When he got home we fought, I ended up throwing a glass of milk in his face. Still furious and hurt beyond belief, things calmed down when the children got home. Later that afternoon he ran out of tobacco and needed to go to the store. After he left I thought that was just a little too convenient so I followed him. When I pulled into the store he was on the payphone. He had a cell phone, why on a payphone. Yeah….I knew he was talking to her.

I had to pull every bit of information out of him but he later confessed that he was calling her to tell her that it was not him she was talking to on the pc and to shut up. He said there was absolutely nothing going on and never had. He said that she told him that she realized it was not him on the pc and thought someone had hacked his account so she was having fun with whoever it was by trying to trick them. He told her it was his wife and that this had caused tons of problems. He apologized profusely and swore he would never do anything like that again. 

I don't know if I ever believed this story because he had been back in TX working for over a year and he was still talking to a woman he worked with for 9 short months a year earlier??? What could they have to talk about??? Why did he have her personal phone number???

I somehow managed over time to move forward and eventually the need to know his passwords and check his phone, etc., wore off. I really think a big part of the respect I had for him died that day. I was raising two kids, two dogs, taking care of a house, two sets of bills, plus working full time during the week with an 80 mile commute. It wasn’t an easy time for me either when he was in AR during the week, I certainly didn’t have time to flirt with some man at work. I felt emotionally abandoned after that AOL chat. So, I threw myself into my two daughters and their activities, a house remodel and kind of took on an attitude of, if he stays, fine, if he leaves, fine. 

Fast forward to 2009. During this time we were raising our children, who are now grown, married and gone, working, we were best friends, have a lot in common but sex was not great, sometimes a month or two in between, and it was hurry up, wham bam. It felt a lot like roommates sometimes however, we truly enjoyed our lives. We knew it could be better and neither one of us wanted to live without the other. There was love, commitment, companionship, family time. We were content.
In May 2009, my first love, "Bob" sent me an email through the classmates site. He asked how I was, said he'd love to hear from me and included his phone number. I replied I was doing well, married, two kids, etc., but I didn't call. He replied and again asked me to call him or give him my number so he could call me. Several days later I decided to call him on my lunch break. It was if no time had passed, we caught up, it was fun, I thought that would be the end of it.

Bob and I had dated for 2.5 years in HS and were going to marry after graduation but a big argument (don't remember what about exactly) we broke up. I just remember it being very emotional and included nasty rumors. I’m sure you all remember HS drama. My whole life altered over lies and rumors he chose to believe. That same week his family moved 1000 miles away and he went with them. 18 years old, no internet back then (1983), his family so poor they would not have had a phone. My life moved forward and I married my husband "Frank" in 1986.

Bob lavished all kinds of attention on me after that first phone call even though he was 100 miles away. We became friends on facebook. He called or emailed and/or text daily and constantly asked me to meet for lunch, said he would drive the 100 miles just to take me to lunch. He would call and say he heard a song that reminded him of the 80’s which made him think of me or something we had done way back when. He laid it on heavy, bringing up old times, a carefree time, he was smooth. 

I had to take my daughter to the airport which is near where he lives now in August 2009 so I agreed to lunch. He prides himself on his cooking, owns his own business and is in law enforcement as well (Constable). He has gone from being the poor kid who I had to feed sometimes back in HS to being very successful and he asked me to come by his home, he would cook for me. He wanted to show me his beautiful house, his cars, a Corvette he just bought, etc., I saw no harm in lunch. I felt he wanted me, an old friend, who knew how poor he was growing up to see his accomplishments. BAD IDEA. Old feelings came rushing back, one thing led to another. It was fast, very awkward after and I could not get out of there fast enough. 

From August 2009 until June 9, 2011, I pushed my husband away. I felt dirty, felt as though I did not deserve him. Bob of course wanted nothing to do with me after he got what he wanted. Found out in his anger one night in a facebook chat that he and his former police partner have a game with married women, see how long it takes, they call them easy prey because most women in long term marriages are no longer flirted with or desired by their husbands and/or neglected. He's a real nut job turns out. BTW, my husband knows nothing of this, as he has never asked me anything about it. Doesn’t care to know or just doesn’t care, I’m not sure.

Anyway, I spent these 2 years trying to understand how I was so stupid and beating myself up, how I could be so naive as to fall for his BS. He loved me once, he could love me again, I wanted to hurt Bob the way he had hurt me but eventually realized that the sweet boy I knew in school was dead and gone and had been replaced with this arrogant player, twice divorced, no heart bastard that could not be hurt. We would fight on facebook chat, unfriend and then refriend, I just couldn't believe he would do ME, his first love, this way. We were going to marry at one time, it just didn't seem like reality but it was. All this and beating myself up for falling for his BS, feeling like the scum of the earth and not deserving my husband and family took it’s toll, not only mentally but physically.

I went from 145 lbs. down to 108 lbs. and I cried two or three times a week. I can honestly say that this ATE ON MY SOUL DAILY! On my way home from work June 9, 2011, my husband text a picture of a fortune cookie to me that said "I love you". It was so romantic, he flirted with me, something that he hadn’t done in so long, I burst into tears. When I got home, I took him out on the patio and I confessed everything. I had to. I literally felt as though it was killing me.

A few days later I told him that I was going to move out to an apartment near my job (50 miles away) and if he still wanted to be with me as I wanted to be with him, then I would like to start over, date again, fall in love again, start over with a clean slate. He said he wanted this too, to be with me too, he still loved me, thought we could work this out.

It took me about 5 weeks to put the money together to move. He helped me move out on July 16, 2011. He drove the U-Haul and helped me load and unload. He left that night and he never called. I thought well, even though I wanted him to pursue me and flirt with me as Bob had done, since I had been pushing him away, I should make the first move. I called him and invited him over the following Saturday. He came but got drunk and played on facebook all evening on his phone and kind of put me down in one of his posts writing "I'm going to have another Rum and Coke no matter if she likes it or not." He even talked to a buddy of his on the phone for 45 minutes but I didn't think too much of it at the time. I just did things around the apartment waiting for him to finish his conversation so we could eat popcorn and watch our PPV movie. Looking back, I know this facebook status was his way of letting a certain friend know that he was not having a good time with me. He says this isn’t true.

Every weekend after that I would go home to him, spend the weekend with him, we would cook, go out to dinner, the movies, I thought he was amazing. I felt truly loved. After what I had done,,, there he still was. My one and only still loved me after all I had put him through. I had a lot of making up to do. Sex was incredible, trying new things, so comfortable with one another, I realized just how big a fool I had been. We could have had it like this all those years. I realized that I was human and I had made a mistake, a horrible error in judgment, but by the grace of God this wonderful man still wanted me and still loved me. I realized then that he was human too and he had made an error in judgment with the woman in AR. It was all water under the bridge now. We were getting a chance at a fresh new start, our marriage was going to be better than ever. Loyalty restored. We even discussed renewing our vows. We had married so young, it would have been wonderful to do that. 

By mid August, only having been out of our home for a month, I asked if he was ready for me to come home as I was ready!!! He said he was although I felt he wasn't sure with his response. I either wanted it so much or was just so happy but I ignored the feeling of him being apprehensive with his answer. I knew I would be breaking a lease, it would cost us, I had to give some sort of notice, it wouldn't be immediate but I was shooting for October 1st at the latest. I could pay rent and just not live there, I just wanted to go home to my husband. Both of our daughters had married the year before so it was just me and him now. I was ready to start this wonderful new chapter in our lives.

At the end of August we decided to take off for 4 days and go to Memphis, Beale Street. Incredible Sex in the hotel, listened to some Blues in a Juke Joint, and he got a Tattoo. Tattoo’s are something that I have never liked, he knows this. On men they really don’t bother me but I kind of have a thing about women having them, especially ones in areas where you can see them, mostly it seems a lot of people get them just because others are. I have always asked my daughters not to and so far they haven’t. (knock on wood.) Just seemed odd to me, him being 48 years old and just now wanting one, us getting back together and it being a time that I felt we should be trying to impress one another. The timing just seemed off but if that’s what he wanted, so be it. I went along with it. I now look back on this as an act of retaliation, like a kid doing something they know their mother doesn’t like. Hindsight, he doesn’t care what I think.

On the last day of our mini vacation, for some reason I just woke up around 4am. We were in a Suite so it had a separate living room. I went and sat on the couch while he slept and turned on the tv. I noticed his phone charging on the coffee table. I opened it up and my world came crashing down. He was logged into his facebook and his yahoo email and many, many text messages and emails from a woman named "Susan" that he has worked with for past 8 years.

August 15, 2011, around the same time I asked to move back home, they were chatting on facebook. He wrote "Let's just do it, take off work together that is." She replied "I don't want to interfere with the JB thing." (JB is my initials.) He replied "The JB thing needs some interference, haha" She replied "not my place." Whoa wait,,,,he just asked her to f^^^ him, right?
I was able to see facebook emails going back to Sept. 2010 that were very sexual in nature. I pulled up bank records and cell phone records and found where he had called her and talked to her for over an hour just 6 days after I told him about my infidelity and other phone calls to her personal cell way back to November 2009. He says they were business related at that time, that things didn’t escalate between them until I told about Bob. The calls were on Saturday's, Sunday's, before work, during work, after work and holidays.

I found more emails to other women but not near as many as to "Susan". An email where he had asked one woman to lunch back in March 2010, she declined. Another one he told this woman with fake boobs who posted a picture of herself wearing a tight tank top how beautiful her picture was but if old married dudes like himself were to comment on they'd get their azz beat for a week. She replied that his comments would have to be private ones then, haha. (GAG!!!) I have since told him that he doesn’t have to be an old married dude anymore. He says it was just “talk”.

I found a picture of Susan on his phone, it is of her eating lunch across the table from him in the company break room, dated October 2010. (so her picture was in his phone for 10 months. wow) He has confessed to them going out for lunch (but never alone, always with another person present,,,sure, ok) since March 2010. From debits I can tell maybe twice a month, maybe more. I only know of one restaurant they frequented, a mexican restaurant that he has never taken me to. When we'd go to lunch together I always got Sonic or Jack in the box....

The sexual tension between them was thick. In one chat he asked her to go shopping with him, saying "you need boots, I need jeans" and her reply/flirting, saying she could do that, "I could do this, it's just shopping, let me think...ummm no, your married,,,****!" and his reply "story of my friggin life." He’s never asked me to play hooky from work and go to the lake as he did her in yet another email to her, and he’s certainly never asked me to go shopping. 

Going back through things, I remember the night he talked to her for over an hour. I was still living at home then. I would walk through the living room, him laying back in his recliner, laughing, chatting with her. I assumed it was just a buddy of his at the time. He was escalating things before I had even moved out. Per the phone bill, that conversation lasted 66 minutes. He tells me it was “computer related.”

There are lots of other emails to and from her, one in particular haunts me. Susan has a best friend since HS, her name is "Mary". Mary and my husband became friends on facebook at some point even though neither one have ever met one another. I assume Mary had logged on while my husband and Susan were facebook chatting and my husband asked Susan if she was talking to her BFF. She replies "yes, why you ask IT Buddy?” He replies "what did you tell her about me?" She replies "she's my BFF" and my husband replies "did you tell her about my muscle shirt fettish? haha" Susan tells him "don't think I've told her that yet." The muscle shirt fettish is the woman on facebook I mentioned earlier, the one that constantly posts pictures of herself, has over 300 of just herself. Been married 10 times, she’s another nut job.

My husband would tell Susan about other women, I think, to try and make her jealous or to let her know he was looking at others since she would not go out with a married man, but he denies this, of course. But why else tell her these things? Also, as a woman, I know that I would never tell my best friend about a married male co-worker that she doesn't know from Adam unless I was interested in him. My husband asking what she has told Mary about him and her replying “she's my BFF” means to me that she's told her everything. What everything is exactly, I do not know. Just him asking her this question tells me something was going on. Why would he think that Susan has told Mary ANYTHING about him? Their just co-workers, right?

The conversation continues with my husband saying "you like watching me squirm" Susan replies "not me, I good HR Buddy." He replies "too good....other than the squirming part." She replies "I’m going to have to subscribe to the Judy hotline, DOM.” His reply “crazy BEG.” Here she is threatening to tell on him, as a sibling would tell their mother. I am Judy aka mother, I suppose. Do all of you now understand my username now “Inside Joke” ? I’ve found this reference to me quite a few times in their correspondence. 

My husband works in the computer field, IT. Susan works in Human Resources. They called each other IT Buddy and HR Buddy. But there were other pet names. He would call her BEG which I later found out meant "Brown Eyed Girl" and when he would go overboard in his comments to her she would call him DOM "dirty old man". She made the security badges at work and when I searched his car I found where she had made him one that said "IT Buddy" with a big smiley face on in where the employee picture would normally be. (GAG)

Needless to say I threw a fit when I read all of this and woke him up. He swore nothing had happened, said I had pushed him away for 2 long years, he needed to feel desirable, he never really wanted her, it was just talk. So here we are, me with a physical encounter (not an affair) and him with what appears to be his second emotional affair.

Hindsight is everything isn’t it? The first Saturday I was in my apartment I invited him over. He called her twice that afternoon before arriving at my apartment with alcohol and pizza. I feel the remarks he made on facebook that night as his status was to let her know that he was not having a good time with me. 

Earlier in August, I had sent him a friend request to facebook and tagged him as being married to me. On his wall it said "Frank is now married to me (my name.) and in less than 2 minutes he updated his status which appeared right above our marriage "anyone know a number to a good voodoo witch?" 

We made a pact in Sept. 2011, it was "from this day forward." Things have been wonderful. I had a problem with him working with her so a job, a promotion actually came up, he got it and it has brought us to Tennessee. They still work for the same company but she is just an HR Assistant for a DC in Texas, he is at the corporate HQ IT Department and should never have any reason to speak to her again, although he may have to travel to TX once a year for a few days. He would see her then. 

I have his passwords so he has abandoned his facebook, abandoned his yahoo and I know the code on his phone. He no longer texts. He has gone from 1400 texts a month down to 78 last month, they were to me and our daughters. He does however, lock his company pc so I do not have access to it, company email or his company desk or cell phone. He gave me the password to his pc last week when I asked for it but it was after much debate. I did not see anything. The very next night after he was asleep I decided to look again and he had already changed the password. He just doesn't seem to want to be the open book that I need or be forthcoming with details.

I created a yahoo calendar with phone calls, texts, emails, debits, etc. to try and figure out when this started. When I *thought* we were dating and falling in love again in July and August 2011, he was actively pursuing Susan, escalating things with her. He now tells me that he knew all along what happened between me and Bob. Never once did he “demand” I stop the nonsense, the phone calls to and from Bob. I only see my husband taking the opportunity to pursue another woman at work. A woman that did not give in physically, I must give her that even though I'm sure she loved the attention she was getting from him just as I did from Bob.

When I read all these things that night and then lost it, I feel as though I put him in a position that he had to make a split second decision/choice. In panic he chose me. Chose the comfortable old pair of shoes that I am over Susan who he obviously wanted physically but hadn't yet gotten. 

I have tried to put this behind us, there have been moments but 2 weeks ago I found out that he told his brother (who then told their mother and father) and he told a couple of lifelong friends of ours and our oldest daughter (age 25) that I had cheated on him, he had kicked me out but he was okay, he was interested in this woman he worked with named Susan. He told them her name, described her to them, said she was little like I am but had big tits but she doesn't want to pursue anything while he’s still married. 

I am now a healthy weight, 130lbs, 5'3" a 34B bust and have always been self conscience of that. I wear thin nylon gowns so I have worn my bra to bed for two weeks now, just trying to hide I suppose. All those years him telling me my small breasts didn't matter, I fooled myself into believing that. Every woman he was chatting with had large breasts.

Everything has been so wonderful until now,,, I think. Our sex life has been amazing,,, I think. I never seem to know for sure with him. Lots of new things to go and do in our new State, we’ve been going out a lot. But, when I found out 2 weeks ago that he had told friends and family about her, told them about my infidelity, telling them he kicked me out when I thought it was just between me and him, has made me feel so ugly, embarrassed and humiliated. I thought that back in June when he said he loved me too, said that he also wanted to work it out, that the last thing he would do is tell friends and family all these things, especially about another woman and especially when he wanted to work things out, or did he want them to work out? It wasn't even the truth, he didn't kick me out! 

When he told them these things, it made me question if he was leading me on, was he really done with me and felt free to pursue Susan more aggressively as the texts, emails and phone calls seem to suggest? All escalated considerably after June 9, 2011. He kept me around as default but turned up the heat with Susan.

Today, he tells me that he loves me, only me, that I have always been “the” one, I have always been his “only” choice, he loves me with all his heart. He tells me Susan was just someone that made him feel better about himself, he wasn’t interested in her “that” way, he said these things to her because he knew she'd never take him up on it, yet I feel as though I'm here through default. I ended things between them when I read his phone that night, (they were afraid of losing their jobs which I threatened at the time, she’s a single mother) and he had to make a split second decision, me or her. He chose the old comfortable pair of house shoes, me. All of this has reminded me that I was the one that ended it (not him) and also reminded me that I’m the one who ended things with the woman in AR as well. I should not have done either as I feel that I have won nothing. I actually feel I've lost and cheated myself out of him doing this.

I told you we are a mess. I don't know how to shake this second choice default feeling I have or if I ever can. I still feel as though he has some sort of respect for Susan, I get this feeling when we discuss her.

I guess I should also mention that back in 1985 after a month of dating, he made out with a co-worker after giving her a ride home after work. I married him anyway. He does seem to have a problem with co-workers and the need to have his ego stroked a lot. 

Should I stay or should I go home to TX and quit fooling myself is my focus right now. I know he loves me, I love him dearly, I would give my right arm for this to work but after 26.5 years, I question if I was ever the right girl for him, I can’t seem to provide all of what he needs and I want to be first in someone’s life. I’m not so horrible that I don’t deserve that, am I? Him also not being forthcoming with details just makes me feel like I will be hit by a bus again someday with more details leaking out, just as I was 2 weeks ago. 

Whatever I decide, I will never look back on my marriage as a waste. Any time spent within a family is never wasted. I know it will be hard if I go, I don’t want to, but sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do. There’s a lot of water under our bridge. Answers and insight to numerous questions appreciated if you dare read all of this.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

While your husband seems to have poor boundaries, your boundary was also not strong.

To answer your question, stay with your husband, if you want the marriage to survive.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> While your husband seems to have poor boundaries, your boundary was also not strong.
> 
> To answer your question, stay with your husband, if you want the marriage to survive.


Oh I do, so very much. Just getting rid of this second choice feeling feels impossible.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Bob dumped you, after he used you, right ? And you met him only once ?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> Oh I do, so very much. Just getting rid of this second choice feeling feels impossible.


But you aren't his second choice. You are his first choice. You see, with all the flirting and emotional attachment to this Susan person, he could have divorced you for her. He could have done a lot of things different, but instead he remained with you.

Sounds like both of you have been on a rocky road in your marriage. Would you have left him if things with Bob were different? Or would you have come to realize that your H is the true love of your life? You see, from my reading your story, it seems to me that your H was looking for validation outside of the marriage, but his final decision is to stay with you, which means that you are not his second choice.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Wow, what a story. It was quite long, but I couldn't stop reading. You describe feelings and details so well, that I actually felt your presence while reading.

You are right, that you are in a mess because both of you broke each others trust and marrital contract. Do you feel his declared love for you is genuine? I sense that your love for him is sincere? Why wasn't your love enough to stop yourself from cheating?

Given your mutual love, I think you have every chance of reconciling you relationship, you just need to work on it both of you.

As for the feeling of being second choice, been there, still am from time to time. I do two things to avoid that trap:

1. Ask yourself: If he actually considered you his second choice; did he have opportunities to pursue other women instead of staying with you? For me... yes she had every opportunity, but didn't.

2. Most important. You don't need his validation! You are YOU, and you are a good person, you are strong, your're smart, you have love inside you, you are a beautifull human being - and you are exactly as you are supposed to be at this time. You are who you are, and that is good enough for anyone significant.
You believe in this and work on accepting these facts, and you will not need his validation or love for any reason.

Let this feeling go, it doesn't bring you any good... or does it?

I wish you the best in your search for love within youself


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the fact that he is keeping a passcode on the computer is a huge red flag and is not being transparent in the slightest

He's probably taken the EA underground, he is also likely deleting everything as it happens and was relieved that there was no reply from OW or that his secret email wasn't found when you looked at his computer


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also his reaction to your cheating may indicate he is relieved that his activities in the past and present get a "free pass" than wanting to have a genuine R


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Bob dumped you, after he used you, right ? And you met him only once ?


Right that was my question! I may be wrong but it seemed in your story that even though he supposedly dumped you, you were still seeing him off and on?!?! 

Overall it does seem like you two have so much negativity in this marriage but on the other hand it seems you two cannot let each other go. So much deception and lies on both sides! If you two want this marriage it is going to take some serious work and something you did not mention (i believe) marriage counselling!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

survivorwife said:


> But you aren't his second choice. You are his first choice. You see, with all the flirting and emotional attachment to this Susan person, he could have divorced you for her. He could have done a lot of things different, but instead he remained with you.
> 
> his final decision is to stay with you, which means that you are not his second choice.


Say what? He has a history of at LEAST flirting with women if not more, for at least the last 12 years.

IIWY, I would stay apart and BOTH of you go to weekly IC AND weekly MC for at least the next year, until you two figure out what the hell you want and who you are. To get together now just means another 20 years of soap opera.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> *Say what? He has a history of at LEAST flirting with women if not more, for at least the last 12 years.
> *
> IIWY, I would stay apart and BOTH of you go to weekly IC AND weekly MC for at least the next year, until you two figure out what the hell you want and who you are. To get together now just means another 20 years of soap opera.


That doesn't make her second choice. I agree that they both each for them selves need to figure out if this is the right relationship for them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What exactly do you consider a first choice? The one you buy a house with?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> What exactly do you consider a first choice? The one you buy a house with?


I would probably withhold the decission to buy a house for some time, but cakeeating does not automatically place the LS at second place.

Being OP or myself; I would rather focus my energy on improving self esteem and empower myself, so that I couldn't care less if he had me 1st, 2nd or 89th choice, and so I will firmly believe that he is an idiot if he doesn't see me as 1st choice. Plenty of fish in the sea then, if that's what I wish.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Makes sense.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

The other woman is a single mother who has not stop talking to him. She just went undercover to protect him and her job. Both are still talking to each other. Now so what if he does not give you his password to the PC. You can't let this make you go crazy. You and your husband have been very busy . Your friend Bob preyed on married woman. Looks like your husband preys on single mothers. She may tell him to get a divorce but she is not going to cut him off. She will be hanging around like a bad cold. I am not so sure the two of you want to be true to each other. Your husband is chatting with any woman who will listen. I am clueless to why any single man/woman would waste time messing around with a married person. But I guess some woman/men have very low self esteem. I wish you luck with this issues.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies. I apologize that my story is so long, there was a lot to tell.

Yes I fell for Bob without even laying eyes on him. I ate up all the attention. Just saw him that one time, I still cannot believe he would do me that way. The two years that followed were a combination of a lot of things. Guilt, revenge, hate, trying to forgive, trying to remain friends, trying to understand this game of his...until the day, June 9, 2011 when I realized I was killing myself, it had to stop even if I lost everything and I told my husband. 

I understand my H needed validation by talking to others. I don't blame him for any of his actions except the ones he made in July and August 2011. The way I was, he had every right to find someone else and move on prior to this.

During a time when I felt we were dating, falling in love again and he said he wanted these these things as well, he escalated things with Susan. He now downplays all of this, said she was "just a friend" but just her telling her friend Mary about him tells me otherwise.

I just can't help but feel that if Susan would have not had a problem with him being married that I would be history. If I had not read the emails and texts would it have ended? I don't feel it would have. It only ended because I ended it.

There is 700 miles between them now, he swears he has not talked to her. I sent her an email through facebook and she replied that nothing happened, I will post the letter. 

In November 2011 her AOL and facebook accounts were hacked and she went to the HR Manager and told him "something", I'm sure not the entire truth but she suspected it was I that hacked her account. Next thing I know, my husband is called in the office and basically asked all kinds of personal questions regarding her. When I was checking his email then, every work email they shared they had to copy the HR Manager. HR Manager only heard her side therefore I cannot contact her anymore in fear of my husband loosing his job.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> In November 2011 her AOL and facebook accounts were hacked and she went to the HR Manager and told him "something", I'm sure not the entire truth but she suspected it was I that hacked her account. Next thing I know, my husband is called in the office and basically asked all kinds of personal questions regarding her. When I was checking his email then, every work email they shared they had to copy the HR Manager. HR Manager only heard her side therefore I cannot contact her anymore in fear of my husband loosing his job.


And you know this is true because...? (just a side remark)

I don't know you nor your husband, but I believe that you can work this out together. But you need to let go of the thoughts about "what if..." they won't do you good, bring you happyness or release. Concentrate on bettering the present, live day by day.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Wow okay here is the high points. Your husband has been in two long term emotional Affairs. Your H has never mad the jumpt to PA. Either he has not game or this is just false. With him working in IT i have a feeling the good stuff is probably hidden very well. If I were you I'd get his work comp. Go to search and search for pictures and video. 
To be honest neither of you are happy. Neither of you are where you want to be. The only thing keeping you two together from what I have read is that he can't seal the deal with these OW. Again I think he is getting his rocks off somehow. Given the twists and turns I think at this point you should decide what you really want. Do you want to be the wife that get banged but is emotionally abandoned? Or do you want to try and figure out how to be happy? 

I think you need to separate and this time instead of working on your husband, work on yourself. I think you may have a little codependency which is normal since you have been married so long. You can't make your WH change. He has to do that himself. The only thing you can do is change yourself. IF he won't be there for you, you be there for yourself. Stop pursuing him, stop showing affection, stop having sex, and figure out what you want. 

If you want to pursue R then you have to make some ultimatums. This has been going on long enough. Make his choose right now communication with the OW stops 100% or you walk. Then be prepared to back it up. You have always come crawling back to him. So why should he change when you will eventually come back and be his love doll. 

Right now you need to stop rug sweeping and wishy washy. Make a choice and live with it. If you have not look up the 180. i think it is listed in the CWI newbie thread. Follow through with that and start living for yourself.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

This is her one and only conversation with me. I had sent her an email telling her I was SHOCKED at all the emails, text messages, etc. that I had found. This is her reply.

Judy. I'm not too good on fb so wasn't aware this was sent until now. First let me say I totally respect the sacrament of marriage and would never cross the line. Second-I'd like to see both of u reconcile. Frank truly loves you; and my role has been to remind him not to retaliate by doing something stupid with anyone. We are friends and I'd hope that we could be as well.

Judy hotline is term I use with Frank to put him in his place whenever he needs it. As we joke around. Plus he knows that I know that you rule. Aka like telling mom on a sibling comment.

Frank has always been respectful to me and apologized to me whenever he went overboard in his comments.

Again. I'm harmless and have been ur advocate for Frank to b patient with u and never give up on u. It's so rare to see a man really love his wife as he does you. .

Hope I answered questions as I can't review my response. Fb novice


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

As far as the HR Manager knowing "something", I do not know if this is true or not. There was a time I felt it was a made up story, made up possibly by H and OW so I would not bother her but when I pressed the issue my H told me to call Paul. Paul being the HR Manager.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

My reply to her....

You never crossed the line? Really??? I see that my husband has filled you in on the details. Why am I surprised. You should know that facebook stores all emails and chat conversations and the ones you had with him were VERY inappropriate on both sides of the conversation. They can be forwarded, printed, posted if you need to refresh your memory.

Yes, Frank does truly love me, I have never doubted that. He is however a man and they can sometimes be the pigs that they are. He is not your friend, he is your co-worker. BIG difference. Aren't you in HR? Anyway,,,

I am not Frank's mother so you can kill the Judy hotline inside joke as it is no longer "inside". I don't need YOU to be an advocate for ME, ever!

These highly inappropriate messages did not start (that I know of) until after we separated (I have since found out otherwise) and now that I have discovered it he has offered to start searching for employment elsewhere. Just seems so ridiculous at this point in our marriage.

I do not understand why at the first sign of darkness ****roaches come out from behind the woodwork and try and devour anything left that is good. Predictable, Thanks!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You cheated on him with Bob, and continued to have contact with Bob for a long time - was it the full two years when you felt the guilt and pushed him away? 

So basically for the time leading up to your sex with Bob, and then for two years past that you treated him badly, and pushed him away.

finally you confessed to your cheating, moved out and wanted him to pursue you? 

why would he pursue you at that point? You'd treated him badly, cheated, pushed him away, and moved out. And you wanted him to pursue you? Honestly, you are darned lucky he didn't file for Divorce back then.

So then he exposes (aka tells the truth) about your affair to friends and family. And you're response is to feel hurt and humiliated? 

I'm not saying his flirting is OK - it's not. I am amazed that after the cheating and years of rejection that he didn't D, and he didn't actually have a revenge affair. It's pretty obvious your hurt this guy very very very badly. You betrayed him. And instead of having guilt and doing your best to make him feel loved and to make up for your betrayal, you instead treat him badly, and then move out.

Now you're obsessing about the women he flirted with? Really? Instead of throwing yourself into making him the most loved and cared for man, who has given you the precious gift of reconciliation after you cheated, you are focused on women who you yourself can see have rejected any advances from him.

Honestly, you sound very self absorbed and focused on your feelings and not his.

I can't help but wonder if the reason he's flirting is an attempt to reinforce his self esteem through attention from these women.

I'm not saying his flirting is ok.

I do say that if he really wanted to cheat he could have and would have - but he didn't cross that line. He pushed the boundary -yes, but he didn't cross it. But as you found from Bob, there are plenty of married women who would have been willing. Notice how he didn't pursue them? He choose to flirt with women who said no.

So now your thinking about leaving him. You're thinking about walking out on this guy who hasn't cheated, who didn't D you even though you did cheat.

I don't understand why you're thinking about leaving him, other than you feel like you are a second choice. You are a second choice - his first choice was the woman you once where - a faithful and loyal wife. She went away when you chose to meet up with Bob and have sex, and continue online with him for two years. 

So now he's got the new you. The one who cheated on him. Yes you are a poor second choice to your former self. He realizes that his first wife is gone and can't come back. So he has chosen to settle for you. 

I think you are doing him a huge disservice if you now abandon him again. You hurt him. He's tried to recover and move on, but I fear the bottom line is the same thing that led you to choose to cheat with Bob is still at work inside you, and that you are now blaming his flirtations, and the second choice feeling to justify your leaving. 

Think very carefully, because you are going to hurt him very deeply again and he may be finally and permanently broken by it. So do not act rashly.

btw - I do think you owe him big time. Other than exposure, you've never ever faced consequences for your cheating. He treated you with a lot of kindness and compassion, far more than a cheater deserves frankly. Don't reward his gift with another betrayal.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

cpacan said:


> And you know this is true because...? (just a side remark)
> 
> I don't know you nor your husband, but I believe that you can work this out together. But you need to let go of the thoughts about "what if..." they won't do you good, bring you happyness or release. Concentrate on bettering the present, live day by day.


I know this is true because I did. Of course she has no way of knowing it was actually me, she only suspected. Hacked her AOL, Facebook and Walgreens. It's odd that she immediately thought of me as this was 2 full months after and I had not bothered her in any way. Looked through all her pictures, thankfully did not find any of my husband. I have never told anyone this out of fear of prosecution, I just don't care anymore.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You cheated on him with Bob, and continued to have contact with Bob for a long time - was it the full two years when you felt the guilt and pushed him away? Yes.
> 
> So basically for the time leading up to your sex with Bob, and then for two years past that you treated him badly, and pushed him away.
> 
> ...


I'm facing the consequences of my actions. A year later people are telling me things that happened, it's a pain I cannot describe. He is not forthcoming with details, they trickle in from others. The extent of his involvement with her grows. I now question if it was "just talk" as he says, I think she is what he truly wanted. I now question why he continued to pursue her during the time we were dating and falling in love again (July/August 2011) was real or was I just merely the woman who was showing him all kinds of attention, having sex with him when the object of his true desire "Susan" would not. He was still actively pursuing her, August 15th, 2011 conversation proves that. August 29, 2011 when I found all of this, it threatened their job security. What if they hadn't been co-workers? Yes, I torture myself with these questions.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Inside, when did contact with Bob finally end ? You might feel attacked by this question but to me your confession to your H comes off more as self serving than anything. Is it the case ? You were p!ssed off that Bob used and dumped you. Then he totally ignored you after the event. You tried to resume the relationship at some level, even as friends but he did not care much. Only after a long time after he dumped you, did you realize what actually happened and confessed to H out of guilt and anger at Bob. 

This is not meant to be a attack. I just don't think you realize what happened. if you think this post is inappropriate, I will delete it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And if Bob had not been a P0S player, but instead the good boy from all those years ago... what would your situation be, now?

Was the way he treated you revenge for your breakup? Odd, maybe. But some people do not just carry grudges, they tend them like exotic blooms.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You cheated on him with Bob, and continued to have contact with Bob for a long time - was it the full two years when you felt the guilt and pushed him away?
> 
> So basically for the time leading up to your sex with Bob, and then for two years past that you treated him badly, and pushed him away.
> 
> ...


Shaggy, I can appreciate his pain. I felt the same way when my wife had her affair. Worthless, unloved (yeah, she _said_ she loved me, but...) unattractive, stupid. And then on to the revenge affair. 

Ouch. This whole thread is trigger me somewhat... 

Might have to excuse myself...


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

badbane said:


> Wow okay here is the high points. Your husband has been in two long term emotional Affairs. Your H has never mad the jumpt to PA. Not that I know of. Either he has not game or this is just false. With him working in IT i have a feeling the good stuff is probably hidden very well. If I were you I'd get his work comp. Go to search and search for pictures and video. I did last year, found a picture of Susan's daughter on there. He has an archive folder in Outlook that requires a password, that was the only thing I could not get into.
> To be honest neither of you are happy. Neither of you are where you want to be. The only thing keeping you two together from what I have read is that he can't seal the deal with these OW. She didn't want to mess with a married man, I give her that much, however, we were living apart, emails seem to suggest she was "coming around" to his way of thinking. If I had not found those emails August 29, I wonder where he would be now. Again I think he is getting his rocks off somehow. Given the twists and turns I think at this point you should decide what you really want. Do you want to be the wife that get banged but is emotionally abandoned? Or do you want to try and figure out how to be happy? I want to stay married, I love him dearly, I'm willing to do the work but I need to know that I'm not going to be run down with information about this again next year as I was 2 weeks ago. As I said, the extent of this seems to grow daily. I need to know why he didn't end things with her. I was getting ready to move back home and he's turning things up with her. Once again, I feel like default, second choice, I just need to know that he'll take care of my heart better than I do.
> 
> I think you need to separate and this time instead of working on your husband, work on yourself. I think you may have a little codependency which is normal since you have been married so long. You can't make your WH change. He has to do that himself. The only thing you can do is change yourself. IF he won't be there for you, you be there for yourself. Stop pursuing him, stop showing affection, stop having sex, and figure out what you want. For two whole weeks now.
> ...


 I will do that now, thank you


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Inside, when did contact with Bob finally end ? You might feel attacked by this question but to me your confession to your H comes off more as self serving than anything. Is it the case ? You were p!ssed off that Bob used and dumped you. Then he totally ignored you after the event. You tried to resume the relationship at some level, even as friends but he did not care much. Only after a long time after he dumped you, did you realize what actually happened and confessed to H out of guilt and anger at Bob.
> 
> This is not meant to be a attack. I just don't think you realize what happened. if you think this post is inappropriate, I will delete it


I confessed because I was down to 108 lbs., I could no longer live with what I had done. This was completely out of character for me. That simple text from my husband with the fortune cookie was enough for me to end my agony, even if I lost everything, I couldn't live with it any longer. I felt my husband deserved better.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And if Bob had not been a P0S player, but instead the good boy from all those years ago... what would your situation be, now? I hate to say it Matt, but I think I would have been gone. I loved those feelings, the attention.
> 
> Was the way he treated you revenge for your breakup? Odd, maybe. But some people do not just carry grudges, they tend them like exotic blooms.


 Not at all. My husband and I only separated because I thought it would be best. We needed to start over, miss each other, date, get those feelings back. He actually asked me not to leave once. In the background however, he was escalating things with Susan. This I do not understand, not sure I ever will.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Inside, when did contact with Bob finally end ? It ended in late July or early August. Contact consisted of still be friends on facebook but never chatting or emailing for quite some time before that. He would call maybe once a month, just for drama I suppose. I blocked him on facebook and blocked his number through Sprint in early August. You might feel attacked by this question but to me your confession to your H comes off more as self serving than anything. Is it the case ? I just wanted to be free of it, wanted to be happy again. You were p!ssed off that Bob used and dumped you. Shocked is more like it. Life has done a number on him, that's for sure. Then he totally ignored you after the event. He didn't ignore, he lead me on, would make fun of me, get mad at me, then try to be friends. It was just a game to him. You tried to resume the relationship at some level, even as friends but he did not care much. Only after a long time after he dumped you, did you realize what actually happened and confessed to H out of guilt and anger at Bob. If I left Bob alone, he would contact me. If I didn't post on facebook for a few days, he was calling me. He's a heartless bastard.
> 
> This is not meant to be a attack. I just don't think you realize what happened. if you think this post is inappropriate, I will delete it


 Not at all, I appreciate your time.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> I'm facing the consequences of my actions. A year later people are telling me things that happened, it's a pain I cannot describe. He is not forthcoming with details, they trickle in from others. The extent of his involvement with her grows. I now question if it was "just talk" as he says, I think she is what he truly wanted. I now question why he continued to pursue her during the time we were dating and falling in love again (July/August 2011) was real or was I just merely the woman who was showing him all kinds of attention, having sex with him when the object of his true desire "Susan" would not. He was still actively pursuing her, August 15th, 2011 conversation proves that. August 29, 2011 when I found all of this, it threatened their job security. What if they hadn't been co-workers? Yes, I torture myself with these questions.


I don't know how to scoop up the inside quotes and responses, so I'll repeat what caught my attention:

Shaggy wrote: why would he pursue you at that point? You'd treated him badly, cheated, pushed him away, and moved out. And you wanted him to pursue you? Honestly, you are darned lucky he didn't file for Divorce back then. 

Your response: Yes and I am but I feel the only reason he didn't is because his true desire "Susan" wouldn't mess with a married man.

Not sure I follow your logic. If his true desire (Susan) wouldn't "mess with a married man", and you were already separated, if your H wanted to truly be with Susan, why did he not file for divorce? Assuming he got his divorce from you, he would then no longer be a "married man" and would be available for Susan to then "mess with". 

What am I missing?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It sure looks like your husband is the one who is YOUR second choice. If Bob had been a real man, you would have ran to be with him, dumping your husband like a hot potato, no?

You are one of the luckiest cheaters I have seen on here. Though he knew about Bob, he stupidly let you work it out that he was just after what you had in your pants. He may know more about Bob than you know.

Why did he keep it up with Susan? Because he could not depend on you to be the wife he needed. Susan was the second choice the back up plan. To get Susan, all he had to do was divorce his cheating wife. Your husband and Susan were depending on each other because they did not have someone else to depend on. He evidently can't depend on you now from reading this thread.

An example of how lucky you are is that only 15% of American men do NOT divorce when their wife cheats. 

Count your blessings and hang on to a good man.

You should also read the Wayward spouse instructions on this site and study them with your husband.

BTW neither you or your husband, as with everyone should have passwords, emails, anything like that, that are kept secret. Couples do not keep secrets.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> the fact that he is keeping a passcode on the computer is a huge red flag and is not being transparent in the slightest
> 
> He's probably taken the EA underground, he is also likely deleting everything as it happens and was relieved that there was no reply from OW or that his secret email wasn't found when you looked at his computer


Or it could be that he is an anally retentive IT bod, who would passcode his electric toothbrush if he could! :smthumbup:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> Not at all. My husband and I only separated because I thought it would be best. We needed to start over, miss each other, date, get those feelings back. He actually asked me not to leave once. In the background however, he was escalating things with Susan. This I do not understand, not sure I ever will.


I am back.

Why did you separate? WHY did you think it would be best?


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

We separated because I wanted to. Stupid me thought it would be best, start over, date, not have daily life issues in our way, make the relationship new again. 

He admitted tonight that the woman in AR liked him and that he liked and was attracted to her as well. The bridge she spoke of in our AOL chat that day when she thought she was talking to him, he told me tonight that him, her and another man and woman from work went to lunch together and they went over this bumpy bridge which made them all laugh. He said he remembers someone saying "if the truck is a rocking, don't come a knocking." He doesn't however remember her name. 10 years ago he told me she was an old lady. So, 10 years later I found out that he again lied to me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So for two years post sex you continued to have a relationship with Bob. You continued to jump when he said jump, you curried his favor, and took his calls. All behind your husbands back.

Gotta say, that has got to have left deep scars on your husband. While its easy to say you are going to forgive and start clean, I doubt it's that easy for him. He's very hurt. He knew you were cheating and then continuing to be at Bobs call. You may not have met fir sex again, but you put your emotioal passion into Bob and not your husband.

Why did he talk to Susan after you moved out? Simple, he didn't really trust you. You had trashed his trust over the last two years. I bet he deep down figured you had a high chance of going back to Bob, regardless of his bad Bob treated you.

He no doubt believes himself to be your second choice.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I just want to point out, you didn't stop your affair either, Bob did. Does that mean your husband is your second choice? Thought not.

But wow, you guys need to have a serious heart to heart, maybe with a mc, and make your choices. If you choose each other, then complete openness. This is the most ****ed up part for you though. Tell him not to bother if he doesn't really mean it, really mean it. He should owe you that much. If he can't do it, can't just commit to you and mean it, he should let go. Because the thing is, there are just too many ways for a person to communicate if they really want to and not get caught. It seems most cheaters don't really put much thought or effort in in this regard. I could literally hardly believe how ****ing stupid my wife and the OM were in this regard. Almost like they were begging to get caught, but anyways, that's beside the point. If some thought and care went in, they could do what they want and you won't know.

You need to know if your husband can honestly make that kind of commitment, either that or you live with him investing a lot in other women outside the relationship.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Wow Shaggy, thank you for that, really. I'm starting to understand his point of view, I'm trying so hard.

The logic I was asked about in an earlier post about why he would stay married when all he had to do was divorce me and he would have his Susan, is simple. He's 48 years old, been married since he was 22. We are very dependent upon one another. He doesn't and has never wanted to be alone. If he were to want another woman it would be one that he has no doubts about. He would definitely have another before getting rid of me.

It just feels as though that from the day I met him he's been looking for something else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know, if two people are that codependent, it's pretty hard to have any sort of decent relationship, because BOTH of you are too messed up and haven't figured yourselves out as human beings; you're just someone else's partner.

Maybe separation would be good for you.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> It sure looks like your husband is the one who is YOUR second choice. If Bob had been a real man, you would have ran to be with him, dumping your husband like a hot potato, no?
> 
> You are one of the luckiest cheaters I have seen on here. Though he knew about Bob, he stupidly let you work it out that he was just after what you had in your pants. He may know more about Bob than you know.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. I do know that he loves me, I love him, it is why we are in TN trying to make this work. It just feels impossible sometime. If anything he has done ever turned physical he would never admit it, even though I admitted a physical thing. Emotional affairs though I think are worse. If it was just a one time f*** I think it would be easier to deal with then knowing he emailed or text this woman on holiday's, Saturdays during a family bbq, exchanged link to songs, really was trying to get to know her etc...Maybe that's why he has never asked for my passwords, why he has never snooped on me. I only want complete honestly, rip the bandaid off, tell me everything, he thinks he's protecting me but it's destroying me. Give it to me, let me deal with it so we can start over,,,doesn't look like I'm going to get the luxury of that.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

turnera said:


> You know, if two people are that codependent, it's pretty hard to have any sort of decent relationship, because BOTH of you are too messed up and haven't figured yourselves out as human beings; you're just someone else's partner.
> 
> Maybe separation would be good for you.


This may be true, we both still lived at home with our parents when we married. In all honesty, I hardly remember a life without him in it. 

Separation isn't an option, I really don't want that. It's not an option because I am 700 miles from friends and family. I quit my job to move with him. Financially this isn't possible, I would have to go back to Texas and I don't see how that would help. It would only leave him in TN by himself, free to meet yet another.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

I really appreciate everyone's input. The good, the bad as well as the ugly. I especially appreciate everyone taking the time to read our story that took hours to write and is as long as a novel.

We talked tonight but it always ends up at the same place which is him going to bed early and me crying. He wants to go to a mc and gave me the password to his company pc. He didn't ask for mine though, don't think he's worried about me.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

When my wife had her affair, the friends at work I leaned on happened to be female. If you were privy to what was said, you might assume we had been having affairs. Not so. My wife's betrayal destroyed me for a long time. You should give your husband some credit on that front. He has taken a lot from you. I'm not sure if you realise how much you have hurt him.

You want 100% honesty. Have you told him that if Bob had wanted you you would probably have left?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> He didn't ask for mine though, don't think he's worried about me.


He is in IT isn't he, he probably doesn't need you to tell him your passwords, he probably already has them, as well as every letter you've ever pressed since he first suspected you might not be completely honest with him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

InsideJoke said:


> Wow Shaggy, thank you for that, really. I'm starting to understand his point of view, I'm trying so hard.
> 
> The logic I was asked about in an earlier post about why he would stay married when all he had to do was divorce me and he would have his Susan, is simple. He's 48 years old, been married since he was 22. We are very dependent upon one another. He doesn't and has never wanted to be alone. If he were to want another woman it would be one that he has no doubts about. He would definitely have another before getting rid of me.
> 
> It just feels as though that from the day I met him he's been looking for something else.


Look, he knew about your cheating. He had you out the door living else where. If he wanted you gone for good and her in his house, you'd be D now and she'd be picking out wall paper for the bedroom.

He made his choice. Why are you still dwelling on it?


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Wazza said:


> When my wife had her affair, the friends at work I leaned on happened to be female. If you were privy to what was said, you might assume we had been having affairs. Not so. My wife's betrayal destroyed me for a long time. You should give your husband some credit on that front. He has taken a lot from you. I'm not sure if you realise how much you have hurt him.
> 
> You want 100% honesty. Have you told him that if Bob had wanted you you would probably have left?


Yes, I have told him. I volunteered everything. He stopped me and told me didn't want to hear anymore. We all went through school together, he knows about our relationship back in HS. We all knew one another way back when but didn't hang out together. My H and I didn't start dating until well after HS.

My advice to you, find a friend of the marriage to talk to.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Look, he knew about your cheating. He had you out the door living else where. If he wanted you gone for good and her in his house, you'd be D now and she'd be picking out wall paper for the bedroom.
> 
> He made his choice. Why are you still dwelling on it?


Because for a year now I thought she was just a co-worker that he talked nonsense to, leaned on, flirted with, when I had checked out. I found out two weeks ago that he told our own daughter about her, his brother, lifelong friends of ours. I feel he has been downplaying their relationship all this time, now I feel as though I'm second choice and I'll tell you why. 

August 2011 which I thought was a happy time for us, we're getting back together, etc., he's escalating things with her. It only stopped when I read his phone Aug 29th. I now wonder if he would have ever stopped it on his own. If I had never found out, would he have kept on pursuing her and then dumped me once he got her? It was most certainly just a matter of time.

Am I here because he really wants to be with me or am I here because he doesn't want to be alone? This past year has been a good one but now it feels it was based on lies, his lies.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Have been going through his pc. The company has a Cisco Unity messaging system. I guess they could text or call anytime they want, I will never know.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> Yes, I have told him. I volunteered everything. He stopped me and told me didn't want to hear anymore. We all went throuygh school together, he knows about our relationship back in HS. We all knew one another way back when but didn't hang out together. My H and I didn't start dating until well after HS.
> 
> My advice to you, find a friend of the marriage to talk to.


Wife's affair was 22 years ago. Too late to look for who to talk to now!! 

My point was that the OW could have genuinely supported him rather than trying to steal him. 

Actually the friends of the marriage who knew were no use. Long story why and not relevant to this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Did you stop your affair on your own? I don't condone cheating, but he is just human, same as you. Humans make mistakes, sometimes big ones.


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