# Advice on next steps



## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

My wife cheated on me a few years back. Her reasoning was that I was pushing her to it. In a way I was, I was neglecting her at the time. We worked through it. I knew who it was and behind her back confronted the guy when my jealousy started kicking in again. Face to face told him I will not accept it again. She went thru my phone and found my conversations with him. I've done many things behind her back like this when I feel she is hiding things from me. And she usually finds out or I tell her. Recently we had a disagreement and she confessed she doesn't trust me. I've been trying to put my foot forward and not jump to conclusions but my itch is back. This weekend I was being playful with her and sent her a sexy text while being across from me at dinner. She send me back a sexy picture of her in her underwear and topless and states "this is all yours". I lost the mood at that point thinking why is she sending me this now and feeling I wasn't the original recipient. Then I clean her car and find a sexy blouse underneath her trunk where the spare is. I left it there. I just went to install our banking app on her phone and when I switched apps she had a picture of her in another set of underwear. 

I know this all is unhealthy. What would you do in this situation?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Full blown detective work. Lookup weightlifters thread. I'm on a tablet now and can't give you the link.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Replace the blouse with model divorce papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Look at her texts/calls online and see who else is receiving these pics.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> My wife cheated on me a few years back. Her reasoning was that I was pushing her to it. In a way I was, I was neglecting her at the time. We worked through it. I knew who it was and behind her back confronted the guy when my jealousy started kicking in again. Face to face told him I will not accept it again. She went thru my phone and found my conversations with him. I've done many things behind her back like this when I feel she is hiding things from me. And she usually finds out or I tell her. Recently we had a disagreement and *she confessed she doesn't trust me.* I've been trying to put my foot forward and not jump to conclusions but my itch is back. This weekend I was being playful with her and sent her a sexy text while being across from me at dinner. She send me back a sexy picture of her in her underwear and topless and states "this is all yours". I lost the mood at that point thinking why is she sending me this now and feeling I wasn't the original recipient. Then I clean her car and find a sexy blouse underneath her trunk where the spare is. I left it there. I just went to install our banking app on her phone and when I switched apps she had a picture of her in another set of underwear.
> 
> I know this all is unhealthy. What would you do in this situation?


She is cheating and sending sexy pics to another man, yet SHE can't trust YOU?? This is typical cheater blameshifting. Of course you aren't the perfect husband, none of us are. But that does not give her freedom to cheat. She is justifying to herself that it is okay to cheat. As long as you accept the blame, she will gladly keep dumping it on you while she lives in affairland.

Man up, 180 her, have mock D papers drawn up. She is in the fog right now and if you want to save your M you have to break her of it. You won't be able to "nice" her out of the affair. Lots of good info in these threads, spend some time reading them. Keep posting.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She's really done a number on you. She cheats on you, then convinced you that you pushed her to do it and you are the one who isn't trustworthy.

Good gravy Marie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

I'm not perfect so please no more responses about this being one sided. Sorry I projected that. I was just trying to state current facts.I've done things to cause mistrust in the past though I've tried to make it clear to her that I'm not trying to play games any more. My question really is what should I do in this situation.


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## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

At times I also feel she just wants me to make the decision to end it. She is forever contradicting my authority. I don't think she feels I am man enough considering I typically try to avoid conflict. Just a note.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Just act, don't talk or ask, just do.

Step 1 - go to several lawyers and discuss D
Step 2 - hire one and get her served


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> At times I also feel she just wants me to make the decision to end it. She is forever contradicting my authority. I don't think she feels I am man enough considering I typically try to avoid conflict. Just a note.


Then end it for her. No conflict. Serve the D.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Usually relationships where both partners are mistrustful, for good reasons, are doomed to fail. You say that her lack of trust is understandable given your history & you certainly can't trust a wife who is taking sexy pics of herself and hiding them, and stashing racy clothes in the wheel well of her car.

If you think you can live with the knowledge that your wife has cheated on you, then you can try some intensive marriage counseling to rebuild trust between you. She would have to be honest with you and that is questionable. It's obvious that she is cheating on you, so she would have to come clean about everything.

Otherwise, divorce is the next thing for you, I'm afraid.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Work on you first. What was your childhood like? Did you develop further issues with your wife? Did your wife develop further issues with you?

Reason why I ask is anyone who neglects someone they have an attachment to will affect the other person. If you were a child and your parents neglected you, would you feel love? Adults are affected the same way. If your partner constantly belittles you, or you face constant rejection, it affects your self esteem and worth.

So, does your wife have personal issues that you are aware of? Sometimes two people can bring out the worse in each other, devolving as individuals instead of growing. Was your wife an angry person before in the past, or did she develop that aspect by being with you? Did your neglect of her take away her self esteem?

Hence, you both probably need a lot of therapy to work on these issues. The people around us will change and affect us personally. I was an abused victim, and that caused a lot of anger issues, an issue that I most likely would not develop without that influence.

If you or her cannot work on your issues, it is better to end it, because it is selfish to keep someone around, only to cause misery to each other. One person needs to have the courage to let the other go if the both are toxic to each other. And perhaps, the fear of losing this attachment may be the catalyst in motivating the both of you to work on yourselves and the relationship will then have a chance.

If you cannot get past the infidelity, best move on and still work on you. Your personal issues will affect any other relationship you enter.

And if you do decide that the both of you want this to work, she has to stop her behavior, and you have to stop the neglect and avoidance. If neither is stopped, what motivation is there?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> At times I also feel she just wants me to make the decision to end it. She is forever contradicting my authority. I don't think she feels I am man enough considering I typically try to avoid conflict. Just a note.


Then end it, she doesn't trust you and you don't trust her. You really can't have a marriage without trust. Stop avoiding conflict and man up. It sounds like she doesn't respect you. She wants you to end it so she isn't the bad guy. Do you have children?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wayward wife is not remorseful. 

You are not responsible for her cheating despite how you may try to accept that blame. 

You confronted OM. Good for you. That does not make you distrustful. 

See a lawyer and check your options. Actually file and move forward. Either she comes around or gets left behind.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

PoolShark said:


> My wife cheated on me a few years back. Her reasoning was that I was pushing her to it. In a way I was, I was neglecting her at the time. We worked through it. I knew who it was and behind her back confronted the guy when my jealousy started kicking in again. Face to face told him I will not accept it again. She went thru my phone and found my conversations with him. I've done many things behind her back like this when I feel she is hiding things from me. And she usually finds out or I tell her. Recently we had a disagreement and she confessed she doesn't trust me. I've been trying to put my foot forward and not jump to conclusions but my itch is back. This weekend I was being playful with her and sent her a sexy text while being across from me at dinner. She send me back a sexy picture of her in her underwear and topless and states "this is all yours". I lost the mood at that point thinking why is she sending me this now and feeling I wasn't the original recipient. Then I clean her car and find a sexy blouse underneath her trunk where the spare is. I left it there. I just went to install our banking app on her phone and when I switched apps she had a picture of her in another set of underwear.
> 
> I know this all is unhealthy. What would you do in this situation?


Your perception of your roles in this situation is whack.

There's so much wrong with your OP.

Her "reasoning" that you "pushed" her to cheat is typical of a cheater. She's rationalizing it and making you feel at fault. 

The only thing you did wrong by confronting OM is doing it behind her back. 

She doesn't trust you? Don't you see that this is just a continuation of the blameshifting that started with the original affair? 

Nothing has changed. 

What would I do?

I would play dumb while gathering evidence of her affair(s). 

Once found I would draw up D papers. 

Why do you feel you deserve to be abused like this?




PoolShark said:


> I'm not perfect so please no more responses about this being one sided. Sorry I projected that. I was just trying to state current facts.I've done things to cause mistrust in the past though I've tried to make it clear to her that I'm not trying to play games any more. My question really is what should I do in this situation.


Stop this.

Infidelity *IS* one-sided.

No one is perfect and no one deserves to be cheated on nor can they force someone else to cheat.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

This is the thread Chap was referring to - please read.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Have you cheated on her? To me, that's the only reason you should be able to accept her cheating.

Since you came here for advice, and as usual like most, won't accept it,, I ask again, HAVE YOU CHEATED???

If not, working on you will help,,, you, but won't do squat for your marriage if she is still catting around.

You 1st have to find out if she is still sleeping around. Of course we already know the answer to that. Yes she is, and not trying to hide it very much.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> I don't think she feels I am man enough considering I typically try to avoid conflict. Just a note.





> Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.


It's from "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover. Seriously, read it, it will give you the tools you need for get back on track, and be strong. 

for you : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

PoolShark said:


> At times I also feel she just wants me to make the decision to end it. She is forever contradicting my authority. I don't think she feels I am man enough considering I typically try to avoid conflict. Just a note.


Then you need both of the two books linked to below asap. Download the mmslp book for yourself at Amazon.com


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

cgiles said:


> It's from "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover. Seriously, read it, it will give you the tools you need for get back on track, and be strong.
> 
> for you : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


I got the doormat vibe also.

@OP, If she objects to you confronting the OM, she is trying to stay in control of it all and is not working on R. Read the nice guy stuff and see if it applies.


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## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

HAVE YOU CHEATED??? 

Yes I did once, I kissed a girl. told her about it the day I confronted her about the other guy. 

I had an affair recently as well. Not justifying it but only took it this far after similar evidence that she has not ended hers. She suspects I've been unfaithful.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cheaters cheating on cheaters, and presumably w/ other cheaters.

Meh.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*
IMHO, she has routinely and deceptively made you her "Plan B!" For the time being, you have now been relegated to being nothing more than her "Sugar Daddy," all while she is busy mulling out an exit strategy to make her "Plan A" a harsh reality in your eyes, until you are not even the faintest glimmer of any kind of "a plan" at all!

Get to your attorney's office ASAP and start putting an end to this outright chicanery right away, by filing for divorce!

You deserve far better out of life!*


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> HAVE YOU CHEATED???
> 
> Yes I did once, I kissed a girl. told her about it the day I confronted her about the other guy.
> 
> I had an affair recently as well. Not justifying it but only took it this far after similar evidence that she has not ended hers. She suspects I've been unfaithful.


Ok, this clears things up a bit. 

The only other thing we need to know in order to give you good advise is do you have kids together?

If not, then the solution is straight forward. Divorce. 

It doesn't end there however. You will need to get your act together, get some counseling, and remake yourself into a person who is relationship material. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PoolShark said:


> HAVE YOU CHEATED???
> 
> Yes I did once, I kissed a girl. told her about it the day I confronted her about the other guy.
> 
> I had an affair recently as well. Not justifying it but only took it this far after similar evidence that she has not ended hers. She suspects I've been unfaithful.


Then you either both go your separate ways or you both start at zero, get counselling, etc, etc., etc.:smthumbup:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> IMHO, she has routinely and deceptively made you her "Plan B!"


I don't know Arb. Plan B is usually something you're going to stick with for a while if Plan A doesn't work out. Plan E or F may even be optimistic in this case.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

First of all you are NOT the reason she had an affiar. She did it, she chose to do it and it was her decision. You can transfer blame all you want but in the end, it was her decision. Now on top of that she says SHE can't trust YOU!! I think you need to leave her, things are just way to messed up now to try fixing them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> First of all you are NOT the reason she had an affiar. She did it, she chose to do it and it was her decision. You can transfer blame all you want but in the end, it was her decision. Now on top of that she says SHE can't trust YOU!! I think you need to leave her, things are just way to messed up now to try fixing them.


But then, she was not the reason for his affair, either. Was she?

As my late granny would say: "Six of one, half a dozen of the other."


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She suspects I've been unfaithful."

I would tell her directly about it....I have no problem with RA's and giving a cheater a taste of their own medicine.

But I think an RA only serves this purpose if you make the WS aware of the fact.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> But then, she was not the reason for his affair, either. Was she?
> 
> As my late granny would say: "Six of one, half a dozen of the other."


I'm not following you here, the OP didn't have an affair.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> "She suspects I've been unfaithful."
> 
> I would tell her directly about it....I have no problem with RA's and giving a cheater a taste of their own medicine.
> 
> But I think an RA only serves this purpose if you make the WS aware of the fact.



What happens if she gives him years of neglect in return for his neglect? Should she then return the pain he caused by his neglect, or should they both work through it.

Here is the thing, when someone treats the other poorly, why should they expect loyalty. You wouldn't ask a neglected child to be okay, and not have mental or emotional detrimental isses.

If he could not treat her like a partner, why didn't he be the one to let her go first, even before she cheated.

Could his neglect bring about the loss of respect, love, and loyalty if he did his job as her husband?

Didn't she also feel misery by the way he treated her as well?

Sure she cheated and chose to do so, but he had a hand in helping her turn out the way she did.

Lets hypothetically imagine him in a relationship with 100 women, and he neglected every one in the same way, what are the chances that some will cheat, some will leave, and some will continue the misery. What of that percentage would not develop anger, resentment, or loss of love from poor treatment.

They both need help now. Not dealing with these issues and letting it fester has brought them to this point. She should of have the courage to leave him long ago,and now she has trust issues, and why shouldn't she? His vows to honor and cherish her was broken long ago. And now he has trust issues from her affairs. This is not a simple matter, but more complex.

If he has no hand in how his wife turned out, let him continue his behavior with every new relationship and he will see how that goes.

This relationship may be beyond repair, but if he does not get into therapy, for him, it can be a continuing pattern of ruined relationships.

If he wants a better probability of loyalty, his neglectful and avoidance nature should be worked on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> I'm not following you here, the OP didn't have an affair.


Hmm...



PoolShark said:


> HAVE YOU CHEATED???
> 
> *Yes I did once, I kissed a girl.* told her about it the day I confronted her about the other guy.
> 
> *I had an affair recently as well.* Not justifying it but only took it this far after similar evidence that she has not ended hers. She suspects I've been unfaithful.


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

It seems you both are playing the same ages-old game.

You both use each other for Plan B. Issue is, you are looking for Plan C. No desire for either of you to stop.

I'd say the both of you go ahead and look in the mirror.

Options:
1 - You deserve each other. 
2 - Neither of you should ever be married. D and stay that way.

Good luck.


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## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

I did stop. Mine was very recent and short lived. I don't communicate with the OW anymore because of the strain it up on all.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Put a VAR in your wife's car.

You suspect your wife took those photos for OM and you were getting digital sloppy seconds.

Are you in good shape? Hit the gym. Cultivate your friends and hobbies. Concentrate on being a more together person, the guy you want to be. That guy may attract his wife back.

Does she initiate sex? Are you getting turned down all the time?


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## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

"Put a VAR in your wife's car. You suspect your wife took those photos for OM and you were getting digital sloppy seconds. "

I'm pissed of at the OM. Last thing I told him was to think about both of our families considering we have kids. Also I don't get sloppy seconds. If she is with him she showers. He has had my sloppy seconds for sure. 

"Are you in good shape? Hit the gym."
I am. Started as soon as I felt a threat. I've lost over 50 pounds. This is a cause of frustration as me being out the house is the same as me cheating. 

"Cultivate your friends and hobbies. "
Trying that, wife gets frustrated when I do. She wants me to focus on her more than them. Says she should be number one in my life not my passions. 

"Concentrate on being a more together person, the guy you want to be. That guy may attract his wife back. Does she initiate sex? Are you getting turned down all the time?"

Once in a while she does initiate. Not recently. But I already told her I don't want sex if it's one sided. I'd rather we be sexless than me be sexually frustrated.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I'm not following you here, the OP didn't have an affair.


Oh, yes he did! He admitted to one episode of kissing and one physical affair.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

PoolShark said:


> "Put a VAR in your wife's car. You suspect your wife took those photos for OM and you were getting digital sloppy seconds. "
> 
> I'm pissed of at the OM. Last thing I told him was to think about both of our families considering we have kids. Also I don't get sloppy seconds. If she is with him she showers. He has had my sloppy seconds for sure.


This made me laugh. I'm glad she at least has enough respect for you to wash his stink and spunk off of herself before she goes to you.

I would file for Divorce. Do you have kids? Eh I'd still file for divorce.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

PoolShark said:


> "Put a VAR in your wife's car. You suspect your wife took those photos for OM and you were getting digital sloppy seconds. "
> 
> I'm pissed of at the OM. Last thing I told him was to think about both of our families considering we have kids. Also I don't get sloppy seconds. If she is with him she showers. He has had my sloppy seconds for sure.
> 
> ...



Dude your problem isn't the OM.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Just file for Divorce. She has no respect for you. You are either both working on the marriage from here on in or your not and you go your sepereate ways.

Enough with the petty games. If you really must sleep with her wear a condom, cause whether or not she showers before sleeping with you wont stop any diseases he might have passed on to her.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> Dude your problem isn't the OM.


It's funny how many cheating spouses used the word "controlling" to described their BS, when truth be told it is they who are the controlling spouse. Their ability to project their issues on to their spouses is simply amazing.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> It's funny how many cheating spouses used the word "controlling" to described their BS, when truth be told it is they who are the controlling spouse. Their ability to project their issues on to their spouses is simply amazing.



Don't forget, they're both cheaters.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> Don't forget, they're both cheaters.


Yes. Ironically, both could get their jollies if they had agreed to an open marriage, but that would require honesty and reciprocity, things which are alien concepts to a cheater.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Sure she cheated and chose to do so, but he had a hand in helping her turn out the way she did."

MrFisty,

I don't agree with this way of viewing things, though I respect your right to your own opinion.

There is NEVER any justification for choices in the actions of others...people need to own their sh*t.....and this is something most people are horrible at.

Maybe it goes back to how we were raised.

I still remember being a kid and whining about being punished by my dad, and trying to throw out excuses about why someone else basically 'made' me do it.

My dad NEVER accepted that crap....and drilled it into my head that I, and only I was responsible for the actions I chose to do.

My time as an officer in the Navy reinforced this view.

I think blaming the BS for the WS's A is total bullsh*t.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* The overwhelming number of people here at TAM who have been victimized by the infidelity of their partner have largely remained faithful to that person, and more often than not, have never been any the wiser that any infidelic activity had even occurred in the first place.

You either forgot to inform us here at TAM of the fact that you also were cheating, or were trying to initially cover up that fact to hopefully garner favor with a majority of the TAM populace. Statistics more than bear out that whenever one spouse makes the solitary decision to unilaterally lay waste to a loving married relationship by seeking out their conjugal pleasures elsewhere, that the future of that particular relationship, more especially at that particular juncture, is almost always doomed! For

As for both partners to willingly cheat on each other, then that fact sadly escalates into a virtual certainty!

Since it's now been established that both parties have cheated, only two viable options lay available to you:

(1) If there is anything left within the shell of that marriage that is still salvageable, then you could well consider R; provided that you would want to take the needed time as well as expenses for MC, knowing that the success ratio in that regard is merely a crapshoot, at best! But still perhaps within the realms of a workable possibility!

(2) In the absence of such, your only true and workable option is to jointly end the M, going your separate ways, reflecting on both of your mistakes, misgivings, and errors; and hopefully using them as learning tools in your future relationships to come!

When telling your story to us, please initially try telling us the entire story, more especially if you have been fault-worthy in some distinct way, rather than by trying to maintain an air of innocence in the entire matter!

In the long run, it does make a discernible difference!*


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

Best advice : a VAR in the car


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> "Sure she cheated and chose to do so, but he had a hand in helping her turn out the way she did."
> 
> MrFisty,
> 
> ...




Actions by our partners do affect us as well. His personal sh1t affected his wife in the negative. It is like telling a BS that their anger is their own sh1t to deal with. Now the BS might have anger issues, which is caused by the infidelity, wouldn't a spouse who has faced neglect for years develop issues as well.

That is what I was trying to get at, if the neglect never occurred, the probability of him facing infidelity issues will be a lot lower today.

Btw, I didn't say he made her cheat, but he did create the environment and affected his wife negatively.

Do an experiment, and neglect everyone in your life, friends and family, how many would stay loyal to you in the end. Didn't his neglect, which a lot of people ignore, cause anger, resentment, loss of love, and the want to be faithful to him. If I treat others poorly, I would not be guaranteed that they will stick around.

Here is something, my father was an abusive alcoholic, he would beat me badly where I couldn't get up,how responsible was he for my anger issues? In turn, because of my developed temper, I got into fights all the time. Sure, my father did not cause me to fight, but he made the probability very high.

If a spouse rejected their partner for years on end sexually, and chose to ignore that fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they went elsewhere for that intimate connection. Could you honestly be surprised in this thread that the wife cheated on her husband after years of neglect?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> I'm not perfect so please no more responses about this being one sided. Sorry I projected that. I was just trying to state current facts. I've done things to cause mistrust in the past though I've tried to make it clear to her that I'm not trying to play games any more. My question really is what should I do in this situation.


Hey Poolshark, sorry that you are in this mess but frankly regardless of what you have or haven't done there is no excuse for adultery whether an EA or PA. Please read the thread on this forum with this title. She and only she is responsible for her EA or PA. You may have contributed to things being bad in the marriage but that is still no excuse. Please do not let her engage in this blame shifting.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

PoolShark said:


> HAVE YOU CHEATED???
> 
> Yes I did once, I kissed a girl. told her about it the day I confronted her about the other guy.
> 
> I had an affair recently as well. Not justifying it but only took it this far after similar evidence that she has not ended hers. She suspects I've been unfaithful.


Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive, a mess inside a mess and now you want to sort it out. Sounds like both of you would be better off without each other.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Actions by our partners do affect us as well. His personal sh1t affected his wife in the negative. It is like telling a BS that their anger is their own sh1t to deal with. Now the BS might have anger issues, which is caused by the infidelity, wouldn't a spouse who has faced neglect for years develop issues as well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



There needs to be some personal accountability. 

Can this logic be applied to abuse victims?

We have other options before crossing that line.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm a cheater, you're a cheater, wouldn't you like to be a cheater too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PoolShark (Mar 29, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> Yes. Ironically, both could get their jollies if they had agreed to an open marriage, but that would require honesty and reciprocity, things which are alien concepts to a cheater.


This is how this mess started. I caught her. Told her I was ok with her liking him. Then she went out and saw him at a hotel. All down hill since then. We were not mature enough. I do love my wife. She has always been plan A. There has never been plan b in either of us as long as I know. These were just games that went south. I wouldn't doubt it if the pics and blouse are games she is playing. I did have to go out of town that weekend and she stayed with the kids. She has a bad habit of trying to make me jealous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PoolShark said:


> I don't think she feels I am man enough considering I typically try to avoid conflict.


so what are you doing to fix YOU? Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer? Are you seeing a therapist to fix the conflict avoidance? Are you working out? Are you being 100% honest with her at all times and telling her everything you know and everything you've done?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PoolShark said:


> *I wouldn't doubt it if the pics and blouse are games she is playing.* I did have to go out of town that weekend and she stayed with the kids. *She has a bad habit of trying to make me jealous.*


If that's true, given her past infidelity, then she has no idea what remorse is. That would be the cause of your false R.

However, it's more likely that you're trying to rationalize away this evidence and she's just not a very smart cheater.

Ask yourself these questions:

Why would she have ready made sexy pictures on her phone? Just in case she could send you one when the time is right? Or could they be for someone else? Which is more likely?

Why would she hide a blouse in her trunk? If she had a legitimate reason for taking it off, why would she hide it?

Sounds like you won't have much trouble catching her again if you chose to try.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Consult an attorney, get whatever information you need, file divorce papers, have her served. She is abusing you and your good nature. Stop that! You made a very bad mistake thinking she was wife material. Learn from it, move on in life without her. She obviously knows how to catch a man.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

toonaive said:


> Consult an attorney, get whatever information you need, file divorce papers, have her served. She is abusing you and your good nature. Stop that! You made a very bad mistake thinking she was wife material. Learn from it, move on in life without her. She obviously knows how to catch a man.


Catch or trap?


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