# Also in a sexless marriage, but I don't get this.



## PoppyRivera (Jul 11, 2010)

My husband says he just isn't interested in sex. Once he told me that he didn't even think it was important. If he is not interested in sex then why does he flirt and look at other women, super rauchy (makes me uncomfortable type of) porno movies, magazines? I have always thought it was me because if he's doing this, he's just not interested in sex with me or disgusted by something about me. I thought that for so long, I stopped telling him when I was feeling ill or on the verge of a Multiple Sclerosis flare. Like today. I attempted to do the dishes (__), yeah, I dropped them. Seriously, I hated those plates with a passion.:rofl: I told him the plates had soap on the bottom of them. 
Then the two times a year we did have sex, he would lay on the bed and say something like, "C'mon, let's get this over with." I got up, put my robe on and left the room. If that was not humiliation, (and I have humliated myself to regret) _I don't know what is_?:scratchhead:


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## crushedsoul (Jul 13, 2010)

Hi Poppy, I just joined this site a couple of days ago and I can't believe how many people are like me. Both men and women, my wife is the same way, we haven't had any relations for over 18 months because after almost 20 yrs of trying I stopped trying just to see how long it would take for her to come around..... I am still waiting. I had to ask her a couple of weeks ago if she was fooling around on me and she got mad at me and said that question was insulting....so tired of it all.

Crushed


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yup, welcome to the club.

Sometimes the spouse is trying to get you to make the first move because they are too chickencrap to do it themselves.

In my case, I left my wife for your reasons because as she wrote another guy on the web - "I haven't had the guts to do it."


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## crushedsoul (Jul 13, 2010)

The problem is my children, I won't leave them. I love them so much, I will not have my montser-inlaws bringing them up, because they are the most selfish people in the world and I don't want my kids getting exposed to that. I have put up with this for 18 yrs now.....my youngest is 10 so I guess I am sticking around until he is 18.......nice life....8 more years of raising children with a roomate. So tired and drained. Am I doing the right thing??????????


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

You're the only one who can decide if staying or going is what's best. If you're raising your children in an angry house full of stress, anxiety, then are you really doing your children a service by staying? 
I'm not happy with the current status of my sex life with a husband whose interest has declined significantly over the past 3 years, but our home is still a happy one and that's important to me where my children are concerned. 

a high sex drive with a low/no sex drive partner...it does get old really fast. You have to decide what you can live with and without because clearly she isn't going to have sex anytime soon if she's lasted this long. 

What's changed with her? new friends? no friends? do you believe she isn't interested or could she be getting it elsewhere? What doesn't she like about it, if that's her reason? You have to evaluate what kind of lover you've been for her too.


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## suebee12 (Jul 21, 2010)

I am on the other side of this situation, I am the one who doesn't want to. As I told my husband, it was NOTHING he had done or didn't do, it was not his fault, and I was definitely not getting it anywhere else. I just didn't want to have sex. Ever. I wanted so much to want to, I would have given anything to have my sex drive back. I was constantly soul-searching, researching, trying to figure out WHY this was happening to me. I know it's hard when you feel like your partner is being withholding, and I know my husband thought I didn't love him anymore, which is heartbreaking, but try to understand this probably sucks just as much for him/her as it does for you. For me, we did manage to get back on track, but it took a long time and it took my husband putting aside his anger and resentment over the situation. Once he was more understanding and we started thinking of it as OUR problem and not MY problem, it relieved a lot of the tension and anxiety that was making it even worse. Once I felt like I could relax about it, it seemed more appealing. I still am not exactly ripping his clothes off, but I have gotten to a place where I want to have sex, although not for the fiery, hormone-driven, blind passion reasons I did before. Now it is because I want our marriage to be complete and healthy, and for us to be happy as a couple. Also, by the way, someone who doesn't want sex is NEVER going to break down and initiate. It was a relief for me when my husband finally gave up and stopped trying (before, when it was still bad).


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

suebee12 said:


> I am on the other side of this situation, I am the one who doesn't want to. As I told my husband, it was NOTHING he had done or didn't do, it was not his fault, and I was definitely not getting it anywhere else. I just didn't want to have sex. Ever. I wanted so much to want to, I would have given anything to have my sex drive back. I was constantly soul-searching, researching, trying to figure out WHY this was happening to me. I know it's hard when you feel like your partner is being withholding, and I know my husband thought I didn't love him anymore, which is heartbreaking, but try to understand this probably sucks just as much for him/her as it does for you. For me, we did manage to get back on track, but it took a long time and it took my husband putting aside his anger and resentment over the situation. Once he was more understanding and we started thinking of it as OUR problem and not MY problem, it relieved a lot of the tension and anxiety that was making it even worse. Once I felt like I could relax about it, it seemed more appealing. I still am not exactly ripping his clothes off, but I have gotten to a place where I want to have sex, although not for the fiery, hormone-driven, blind passion reasons I did before. Now it is because I want our marriage to be complete and healthy, and for us to be happy as a couple. Also, by the way, someone who doesn't want sex is NEVER going to break down and initiate. It was a relief for me when my husband finally gave up and stopped trying (before, when it was still bad).



i feel bad for anyone in your position, as some might try to convince you otherwise, not wanting sex at all isnt really normal without medical or specific partner related issues. ie, not wanting sex with a particular person because of various reasons specific to that person.

this trait has been labeled a form of abuse in other threads, with holding sex that is. anyone doing this shouldnt be suprised if it ends in a less than desirable way (see scannerguard)


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Although you'd never know it reading most sexless marriage discussions there are two people involved and two people who are not having sex. And both have a unique set of problems which causes them both to suffer. For those who do not want sex and for those who do the sexless marriage is equally painful, especially if a lack of sex is the only problem in a marriage which is good otherwise.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mr B said:


> Although you'd never know it reading most sexless marriage discussions there are two people involved and two people who are not having sex. And both have a unique set of problems which causes them both to suffer. For those who do not want sex and for those who do the sexless marriage is equally painful, especially if a lack of sex is the only problem in a marriage which is good otherwise.



and usually one of the partners is getting the frequency that suits them, and the other one is suffering without


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Well yes of course that is the baseline situation. I was talking about the effects of it on both partners.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I personally give all of these High drive spouses such PRAISE & admiration - for containing yourselves, with hopes of a change while NOT falling into an affair, under such circumstances, for such loooonnnngggng periods of time yet. 

I am not in such shoes, but have often wondered what I would do if so. I KNOW I would never be able to handle it or remain even remotely functional or happy with life. I would be no good to anyone, not even my children. 

May your children forever Appreciate your deep love & care for them, maybe without knowing the real price you had to pay for their happiness, but feeling you gave your everything -for THEIR life, and not your own.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> May your children forever Appreciate your deep love & care for them, maybe without knowing the real price you had to pay for their happiness, but feeling you gave your everything -for THEIR life, and not your own.


Barely a day goes by when I don't think this myself. A 20 year sexless marriage held together for the good of the kids. I don't know if I would ever tell them so I doubt they will ever appreciate the sacrifice.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I am not such a one anymore either as I have found it elsewhere... I had to find it somewhere and for those of you who have followedme for over a year now, know that I pretty much tried everything to soothe him and approach him, leave him alone... whatever is out there I tried it and it failed bc he didnt want to give up that leverage over me. He knew it was the one thing he could dangle over my head to get me to jump through his hoops. Now, Im not jumping through hoops and Im not asking him for sex... and now he is approaching me. He must have a power-control-rejection-pursue issue... Im not biting. Im not taking the bait anymore for the fights he used to cause and still sometimes instigates.

I stay for my kids, they love our home... if only they knew what lies beneathe. Im glad they dont.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

suebee12 said:


> I am on the other side of this situation, I am the one who doesn't want to. As I told my husband, it was NOTHING he had done or didn't do, it was not his fault, and I was definitely not getting it anywhere else. I just didn't want to have sex. Ever. I wanted so much to want to, I would have given anything to have my sex drive back. I was constantly soul-searching, researching, trying to figure out WHY this was happening to me.


I don't know if this is helpful to you. But the answer for me was a single phrase. Hormonal birth control. My normal sex drive makes my husband insane with trying to keep up. Then every time I have tried hormonal bc it just dies. Completely dead. Not to mention going completely crazy for a week out of every month. But that might just be me!




> I know it's hard when you feel like your partner is being withholding, and I know my husband thought I didn't love him anymore, which is heartbreaking, but try to understand this probably sucks just as much for him/her as it does for you. For me, we did manage to get back on track, but it took a long time and it took my husband putting aside his anger and resentment over the situation. Once he was more understanding and we started thinking of it as OUR problem and not MY problem, it relieved a lot of the tension and anxiety that was making it even worse. Once I felt like I could relax about it, it seemed more appealing.


Super duper right on. I agree with this completely. In my case, it was related not to drive but massive insecurity and uptightness early in our marriage.




> I still am not exactly ripping his clothes off, but I have gotten to a place where I want to have sex, although not for the fiery, hormone-driven, blind passion reasons I did before. Now it is because I want our marriage to be complete and healthy, and for us to be happy as a couple. Also, by the way, someone who doesn't want sex is NEVER going to break down and initiate. It was a relief for me when my husband finally gave up and stopped trying (before, when it was still bad).


Good post.


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