# Probs know the answer....



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Hi all. Been a while but surprise surprise I’m back yet again.
Husband 10 years ago had EA with co-worker, no more than kissing, but confessed. We work on marriage, all good. 4 years later he does it again, different woman, confesses due to guilt.
Roll on to now, lots of counselling, talking, honesty, but things don’t feel right. Because I sense it, I push him to tell me what’s been going on, he admits to inappropriate flirty emails, says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me. But can we try, it’s not real life right now with lockdown etc.
I tell him to go dont I???


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Find strength, courage. Covid or not time to find a barrister and plan to tell him to move out or if you prefer, you move out. 

All the indicators are there, he has no desire to change, put you first, or improve your M.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Yes, yes you do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

messeduplady said:


> Hi all. Been a while but surprise surprise I’m back yet again.
> Husband 10 years ago had EA with co-worker, no more than kissing, but confessed. We work on marriage, all good. 4 years later he does it again, different woman, confesses due to guilt.
> Roll on to now, lots of counselling, talking, honesty, but things don’t feel right. Because I sense it, I push him to tell me what’s been going on, he admits to inappropriate flirty emails, says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me. But can we try, it’s not real life right now with lockdown etc.
> I tell him to go dont I???


In all of this counseling you've done, has any of it been individual counseling for him? If not, why? If yes, then either the therapist(s) suck or he has no interest on fixing the issue.

If this "says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me" is even remotely true and not just him playing the "I didn't know what I was doing!!!" card, then it's a reason why he needs IC.

HE should be the one jumping to fix this though, not you. You can't chase him around trying to get him to change.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

bobert said:


> In all of this counseling you've done, has any of it been individual counseling for him? If not, why? If yes, then either the therapist(s) suck or he has no interest on fixing the issue.
> 
> If this "says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me" is even remotely true and not just him playing the "I didn't know what I was doing!!!" card, then it's a reason why he needs IC.
> 
> HE should be the one jumping to fix this though, not you. You can't chase him around trying to get him to change.


He’s wanting couples therapy again, am just letting him ramble while I look at finances, divorce lawyers etc


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

messeduplady said:


> He’s wanting couples therapy again, am just letting him ramble while I look at finances, divorce lawyers etc


That didn't answer the question.

And nope, no marriage counseling. The individual work (which I'm guessing hasn't been done) needs to come first. You can use that time to work on yourself as well and decide what you want. Then you do marriage counseling, if there is anything left to salvage at that point.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

bobert said:


> That didn't answer the question.
> 
> And nope, no marriage counseling. The individual work (which I'm guessing hasn't been done) needs to come first. You can use that time to work on yourself as well and decide what you want. Then you do marriage counseling, if there is anything left to salvage at that point.


Thank you, I understand now, sorry, head all over. That’s really helpful thank you 😊


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

messeduplady said:


> Hi all. Been a while but surprise surprise I’m back yet again.
> Husband 10 years ago had EA with co-worker, no more than kissing, but confessed. We work on marriage, all good. 4 years later he does it again, different woman, confesses due to guilt.
> Roll on to now, lots of counselling, talking, honesty, but things don’t feel right. Because I sense it, I push him to tell me what’s been going on, he admits to inappropriate flirty emails, says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me. But can we try, it’s not real life right now with lockdown etc.
> I tell him to go dont I???


Oh hell yes, you do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

messeduplady said:


> Hi all. Been a while but surprise surprise I’m back yet again.
> Husband 10 years ago had EA with co-worker, no more than kissing, but confessed. We work on marriage, all good. 4 years later he does it again, different woman, confesses due to guilt.
> Roll on to now, lots of counselling, talking, honesty, but things don’t feel right. Because I sense it, I push him to tell me what’s been going on, he admits to inappropriate flirty emails, says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me. But can we try, it’s not real life right now with lockdown etc.
> I tell him to go dont I???


Why are you, did you settling for so little. Something to work on. 

To put it in a very unpolite way (but as bluntly as I can), if you are settling to live with garbage you can't expect it to not smell every once in a while.

Treat him proportionally to the value he brings to your life and throw him out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yep, go!

Yep, don't it.

He's a donut, has a hole where decency, oughta' be.

He likes his side-loves.
Sidle him out the door, then.

Bye! 
See ya!

Enjoy the fantasy, Mate, watch your good life vanish.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who he is. Doesn’t sound like something you want to deal with the rest of your life, does it? So, yes, get rid of him — the sooner the better.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Or just do the whole thing again in 2 to 5 years. Rinse and repeat. Maybe it’s what gets your goat. He is sure getting his.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

messeduplady said:


> Hi all. Been a while but surprise surprise I’m back yet again.
> Husband 10 years ago had EA with co-worker, no more than kissing, but confessed. We work on marriage, all good. 4 years later he does it again, different woman, confesses due to guilt.
> Roll on to now, lots of counselling, talking, honesty, but things don’t feel right. Because I sense it, I push him to tell me what’s been going on, he admits to inappropriate flirty emails, says he doesn’t know what’s going on, why he does it, not sure if he loves me. But can we try, it’s not real life right now with lockdown etc.
> I tell him to go dont I???


Well, if you want to keep him, you will probably have to open up your marriage and find yourself a nice boyfriend or three.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems he has no interest in being faithful so you either accept it or move on. I would move on unless you want this to happen again and again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Couples therapy is to ******** you and deflect responsibility.

The fact is that he wants to jump ship but he's not sure if he can do better then you so he's feeling out his options while using couples counseling to keep you on the hook.

Either that or he wants to keep what you offer but also get his ego stroked elsewhere.

He knows why he does it...he just doesn't want you to know why he does it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

One time thing is way different then a pattern. Goodbye.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@messeduplady I think this is what you need:- 








Getting a divorce







www.lawsociety.org.uk


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> @messeduplady I think this is what you need:-
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you MattMatt, already booked an appointment for next week 👍 Feel stronger today, thank you all.
Knew the answer didn’t I, just really needed some reassurance. Know this is going to hurt but it’s the right call.

This site is fab, been such a support for so long. Heartbreaking that we need it but thank goodness it’s here x


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘He doesn’t know why he does it’

‘He says he’s not sure if he loves me’

He does know why he’s doing it, remove the ‘not sure’ and ‘doesn’t know why’.

He knows why he is doing it, it’s because he doesn’t love you and is shopping around.

Always has been, but too cowardly to leave you and wants you to it first so he gets zero responsibility for anything and everything.


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