# But, I dont want her back.



## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

My W, cheated on me 7 years ago, I did the 180. Things did not go well for her. I took her back for the sake of our family, and worked hard onreconcileation. Fast forward to 6 months ago. Over the past year I discovered EA's and confronted her with them. Of course she denied them. Even with evidence. 6 months ago, she gets a new job that requires travel. 3 months ago, she walks out on me and her children again. I discover even more EA's, she even went out to dinner with them. Still denies it, but says all she wants is her own life. She says she is an adult, and she can do what she wants. Bottom line is, I dont want her back. The boys and I are fine. Better even. How do I interact with her? The 180 doesnt seem to apply. The above information is only the tip of the iceburg this soap opera of a marriage had become over the past 10 years. Twenty one years in total. Im, finished with her drama and manipulation.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you filed for divorce?
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you don't want her, file for divorce and be done.

People always mistake the 180 as "trying to get your spouse back." That's not what it is. They are things you do to feel better about yourself/move forward with your life. It has nothing to do with trying to keep your spouse. It's to protect yourself/better yourself/move on.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

No I havent. I have an apt. with an attorney. But, watching the sheer volumn of texting going on, she is working hard to land him. In time, the PI will get what I need. She is quickly working on her new life, and her contact with her children is slowly deminishing. What I dont get, is that she wants me to be the one to file first. Strategy? Guilt? Both? our lives are better without her. Im just making sure I dont get taken advantage of anymore.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

We have already been seperated 3 months. Fastest 3 months in my life. Here we either have to be seperated 1 year before we can file. Or, get some information, I can file tomorrow. We have been seperated for the required 3 months.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Personally I wouldn't even hire a P.I. That's wasted $ that you could use on the divorce. You already know she is a serial cheater and have decided you dont want to be married to her. 

Who knows why she won't file first. Not your problem anymore. Do it yourself and carry on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The 180 is a tool to help YOU move on. It sometimes has the effect of making your spouse want back in, but nothing says you have to go along with it. 

C
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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

Not here. I need third party proof, so alimony is out. Completely off the table. The rest is a business negotiation as far as I am concerned. I know, its not really, because lives and emotions are involved.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you print out her emails?


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

I could always get the proof I need, and keep it under wraps. Of course it would be cheaper to do it ourselves. But, this would be a valuable bargaining tool should she choose to not fulfill on promises. Cant really trust her anyway. She hasnt even spoken, texted, or even wanted to see her children in a couple of weeks. I know I might be coming off harsh. But, Ive been living with this kind of behavior a very long time. Just need to protect my children, my future interests. There is alot on the line.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That sucks about her not reaching out to see/contact her kids.

Good riddance!


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Corima said:


> I could always get the proof I need, and keep it under wraps. Of course it would be cheaper to do it ourselves. But, this would be a valuable bargaining tool should she choose to not fulfill on promises. Cant really trust her anyway. She hasnt even spoken, texted, or even wanted to see her children in a couple of weeks. I know I might be coming off harsh. But, Ive been living with this kind of behavior a very long time. Just need to protect my children, my future interests. There is alot on the line.


This divorce should be a slam dunk for you. As far as I can see you will not be fighting over the children. She has moved on with her life. It looks like you will be negotiating financial matters for the most part. You should consider yourself lucky, you are in your house with your children. Why would you want her back after all this anyway. I think she is trying to take the highroad by moving out and letting you file first.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

I know her patterns all too well. She is spending her energies towards cultivating her new "relationship". I simply cant imagine marriages being this toxic.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

Quite possibly Gonefishin. Her friends tell me that she is feeling very guilty about leaving. They tell me she is doing this for herself, and she wants her own life. She has told her mother that she never signed on to be a housewife. This really threw me. I never expected her to be a "housewife". When she wanted to work outside the house. She did. When she didnt, I still had to hire people to clean house, and when the children were smaller, had daycare. I cooked, cleaned inbetween the housekeepers, did laundry when needed. Its actually easier and cheaper now, being a single father.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

Jellybeans, she is texting him all the time. No phone calls. His cell phone is also ported through a land line, so cant be traced through usual means.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do what you have to do to fight the alimony even if you have to pay the PI. You can ask for PI expense reimbursement in the D agreement. If you play your cards right you should be able to get child support from her.
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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

She couldnt afford child support. She doesnt budget well for what she makes now. As far as I am concerned, she can keep the new car I just bought her. I will pay off the marital debt. Which is quite substancial since she ran it all up. Although sticking points with me will be insurance, property taxes for said vehicle. Also, if my name continues to be on the title. She would be very restricted on who could drive it. I simply cannot be resonsible for any damages exceeding insurance coverage. I just cant imagine what she is thinking. She simply cant afford to pay any portion of any of this. Oh, wait minute. She isnt thinking. Or maybe she is. She knows that I am a responsible person. I will make sure it is taken care of.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Of course. You are her safety net. You always were. Time to pull net out from under her.
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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Corima sorry you are here the old saying screw me once shame on you screw me twice shame on me comes to mind. I feel like you should just move on and dont look back no matter what once someone shows you who they are we need to believe them. You and your Boys will be just fine 
Good Luck


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

you REALLY need to seperate your finances from hers. Let her know what she is responsible for paying (Make it things that arent critical to the family like power and heat) and remove your name form any joint accounts you can. Cancel credit cards that are joint as well. 

Let her feel the impact of being truly independant and all the responsibility that comes with it.

You also need to file so you can lock down the debt to where it is now. Remember, depending on wher eyou livem youa re responsible for 1/2 of all debt acrued in the marriage, regardless of reason so you need to get that locked down so it does not spiral out of control.

Q~


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

That is why I am taking the strategy I am. I am simply responsible for too much. Always have been. But, thats ok. I can handle it, and things will get better for me and my children. Just working on limiting the damage. She is welcome to move on, projecting her insecurities, and unhappiess onto someone else. The children, me, all that we have, all that we have done, were never enough. Its sad, even her family is urging me to do what I need to do to protect those of us left.


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## Corima (Jan 30, 2012)

MrQuatto. I understand all of that, and I am taking all of those steps. Yes, in this state I am responsible for half the marital debt. Currently she pays only her own current bills. Unfortunately she couldnt even come close to paying any of her half of the marital debt.. I understand the joint debt laws in the US. We are both responsible until they are paid off. As part of a settlement strategy, I will pay them all off. She will occasionally be driving my children around. I want her to have a new, reliable, safe car to do it in. She is welcome to continue living her new life. Its what she wants. Good. We will forever be tied through our children. At least I have to be grateful to her for them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Step one. Stop paying for her affair. Stop paying her cell bill.

Stp two file

Step three find the OM wife/gf and expose the affair

Step four refuse any contact with her except child hand off
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