# Husband doesn't answer he loves me back anymore



## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

So, thats basically it, exactly what the title says:

I spent 2019 saying "i love you", and yes, im the spend time together +words kind of person, so i've spent 2019 saying "i love you" and my husband would only answer "yes, you should love me" and NEVER answer he loved me back.

2020 i stoped saying it and he didnt even notice. Seriously.

What the heck does it mean? Does it mean what it seems? Can anyone give some "for real" answer, or some "not that bad, i have a friend of a friend who stoped saying ILY to his wife but loved her to bits" answer?

Information: together 9 years in april, married 4 years. He didnt wanna marry and i presured him. Yes, i did.

Im probably a pain in the ass of the poor dude xD


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think you should have a talk with him about why he doesn't say it. I have a feeling that you won't like the answer though. Sorry.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

moon7 said:


> So, thats basically it, exactly what the title says:
> 
> I spent 2019 saying "i love you", and yes, im the spend time together +words kind of person, so i've spent 2019 saying "i love you" and my husband would only answer "yes, you should love me" and NEVER answer he loved me back.
> 
> ...


 After 5 years, he still didn't want to marry you, but you were within your rights to give him an ultimatum, I believe. So now in his mind, he's done you a favor he never wanted to do. He feels he can treat you badly and punish you. I certainly wouldn't want to stay married to him. Not even because he doesn't say it, but because he actually says something nasty back to make you feel bad, like you are lucky to have him. He doesn't care about your feelings. Set him free.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you pressured him into marriage, and he really didn’t want that, you likely have your answer.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm sure he shows it in others ways, like giving you the intimacy you crave and taking care of you in the bedroom. Oh, wait, never mind.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I don’t think he says it because I don’t think he feels that way. You are still young enough to bail. Or continue like this, spit out a couple of kids and push off the agony another decade or two.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

He is an acts of affirmation kind of guy, i suspect.

And, you know, as a former civil engineer turned into SAHM i can't get out for some years.

I knew the answer, and i rather suck it up for awhile.

Pheew, i thought some kind soul would give me answer two so i could lick my wounds in peace xD

Anyways, thank you for being thruthful.

I always thought choosing a man way lower in the looks compared to me would be wise. Women, dont ever do that, i found the hard way it doesnt work that way!!


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> I'm sure he shows it in others ways, like giving you the intimacy you crave and taking care of you in the bedroom. Oh, wait, never mind.


I laughed out loud


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

moon7 said:


> What the heck does it mean? Does it mean what it seems? Can anyone give some "for real" answer, or some "not that bad, i have a friend of a friend who stoped saying ILY to his wife but loved her to bits" answer?


I'm always intrigued when someone poses such questions. I'm sitting out here in cyberspace and am completely clueless as to the dynamics of your marriage. Not being snarky here, just calling it as I see it. But if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say your husband doesn't tell you he loves you because he doesn't love you. From what you've posted, it sounds like he isn't all-in on the marriage anyway. 

My "for real" answer is, NO. I have no married family members or friends who forego saying "I love you." That's because they love their respective partners.

Why did you pressure a man to marry you who didn't want to? Just curious.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I'm always intrigued when someone poses such questions. I'm sitting out here in cyberspace and am completely clueless as to the dynamics of your marriage. Not being snarky here, just calling it as I see it. But if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say your husband doesn't tell you he loves you because he doesn't love you. From what you've posted, it sounds like he isn't all-in on the marriage anyway.
> 
> My "for real" answer is, NO. I have no married family members or friends who forego saying "I love you." That's because they love their respective partners.
> 
> Why did you pressure a man to marry you who didn't want to? Just curious.


Yeah, i know i told nothing, and whatever, i wont get out, it wont change anything to post here, bit will help me to be for real with myself. And i made this post more as a vent after ive read another post asking about this same thing.

We got engaged 9 months into dating (WAY later i found out that it was only bc he was movimg cities), then just after the engagement he moved and we spent 1 year long distance and only managed to visit (me visit him) once bc of work and university for both of us and then i moved there. 

He always knew i wanted marriage, family and stuff and he never verbalize he didnt want, and i was vocal about wanting, so of course i assumed we would marry and stuff (NOW that im older i understand men do this sh!t of letting women assume and lead women to assume stuff they dont intend to ever do).

My family wasnt happy i was movig and sold my car, i left my job and went to a place without job prospects and the economy here were worse and worse.

We changed states after a year (+1) living together, then changed cities an year (+1) after that. 

I asked and asked what was wrong, what happened, if he changed his plans about marriage. He always answered he felt he was married already and stuff and i disnt buy this ******** and told him so and i would ask again and again why specifically he didnt want marry me and he would never answer, just get quiet. 

He gets quiet and doesnt talk whenever i ask stuff. Kind of avoidant??

Anyways, he always thought i disnt have a place to go, as i left home against my moms wishes and had no job (dont get me wrohn, we were happy and we loved living together, he gpt real fat eating whatever i cooked, im a great cook and he loves it), anyways, i got fed up and told him that i dont care, im not proud and i would go back home, and that i would easily find another man like him or way better and i wasnt afraid of looking, and he saw o was with one foot out of the door and agreed to marry, thats it, really. Its not like i forced forced, more like i was moving on for real, i had a plan already to get my stuff and go (he never knew i had one, though).

Thank you for your answer and im sorry for being a pain.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

If you won't leave that's your thing, and I get the need vent. It's OK.



moon7 said:


> im a great cook and he loves it


If you want to talk about food and maybe share pictures of true Brazilian cuisine (I assume you don't have staff walking around with huge spears of met), and have some fun check out this thread -> What's Cookin?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

moon7 said:


> (NOW that im older i understand men do this sh!t of letting women assume and lead women to assume stuff they dont intend to ever do).


In your case, this is true. But a stand-up man of character and integrity doesn't do this. So please don't clump all men into your philosophy as to what they do or don't do.

I think it's great if you want to vent. The thing is, you aren't happy. Venting will only accomplish so much. You are in a marriage to a man who isn't completely committed. Hey, far be it from me to tell you to get out. If you want to stay, then you'll need to equip yourself to tolerate what you get. And not hearing "I love you" will have to be something you tolerate.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So you have 3 thread my friend, and I think the answer to all of them is - ask him. If you are going to have a good relationship and marriage whoever that is with you are going to have to find the courage to have difficult discussions.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

moon7 said:


> So, thats basically it, exactly what the title says:
> 
> I spent 2019 saying "i love you", and yes, im the spend time together +words kind of person, so i've spent 2019 saying "i love you" and my husband would only answer "yes, you should love me" and NEVER answer he loved me back.
> 
> 2020 i stoped saying it and he didnt even notice. Seriously.


Did he ever really say it back? As your title states 'anymore'. I am curious why you spent 2019 saying it - was your intention for him to say it back to you - to indicate that you are loved, or was it that you wanted to express to him that you love him?

The only thing I can share is that in a similar response to your husband, is that sometimes Batman will tell me he loves me and I have responded, 'Quite right..' but that's as I'm pinching a line from Doctor Who (which he knows). We do verbally express our love for one another (as well as in other ways).

I agree with @sokillme that difficult conversations are a part of being in a relationship. You may also be assuming that he didn't notice you stopped saying it. He may also have some thoughts around you spending 2019 saying it. And as @Prodigal states, we don't experience what the broader dynamic is between you.

The comment you made about 'choosing a man way lower in looks' struck me in a way that had me wondering all sorts of things, including your intentions around 'love'.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sometimes when my wife says she loves me I will say "I know" or "of course I'm wonderful".


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I read your other thread. 

I am sorry but he is simply not into you and is a dud in bed. 

He may be a decent person and is polite and courteous and isn’t mean or abusive and not a drunk etc..

But has no feelings of yearning, desire or passion for you. I am sorry, that is a miserable way to live when you do want passion and desire 😞 

Your options here are pretty black and white. You can continue to have a roommate and coparenting arrangement with a man that has no romantic/sexual desire for you - or you can find someone else.

If you go with option B, it’s up to you whether you keep your private affairs on the downlow or whether you announce your intentions of an open marriage or simply divorce and go back on the open market as a single mother. 

No option is perfect and each has their own set of pros and cons.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The risk you are facing is it is just a matter of time before one or the other of you does meet someone that makes your heart go pitter pat. 

If he meets some chick that does light a fire under his azz and who likes him, he could be gone in a very short period of time.

Likewise if you meet some guy that is sincerely smitten with you and is willing to take you and your kid full time, you may be gone in just a matter of days. I have personally seen some women do this in literally a weekend. 

The point I’m making here is you are living in a house of cards. You better be at least having things in place that you can leave as quickly and efficiently as possible when it all collapses.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> If he meets some chick that does light a fire under his azz and who likes him, he could be gone in a very short period of time.
> 
> Likewise if you meet some guy that is sincerely smitten with you and is willing to take you and your kid full time, you may be gone in just a matter of days. I have personally seen some women do this in literally a weekend.


I personally know another couple that was a lot you, they dated for a little while, got pregnant, rushed a marriage. 

She was on board but he was always standoffish and kept her at arm’s length. 

She would yearn and plead for a love life and he would have one pathetic excuse after another. 

She got pregnant again the one time they did have sex.

In her job she worked until 3 in the afternoon and he would usually get home in the evening.

One day he called her from work just as she was walking in the house from picking up the kids.

He told her he had divorce papers ready to go and that he had someone else that was going to be moving into the house later that night and she had a few hours to get out. 

To her credit, she saw that as her sign and the straw that broke the camel’s back and was out of the house and didn’t look back.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

moon7 said:


> I always thought choosing a man way lower in the looks compared to me would be wise. Women, dont ever do that, i found the hard way it doesnt work that way!!


Actually the majority of women are better looking than their men.

Their are only a small percentage really good looking men in the world and they tend to either have harems or spin plates because they don’t have to stick with just one woman. 

Where you went wrong was not in picking a man less good looking than you, but rather you picked a WEAK man. 

You settled for the fallen fruit on the ground rather than reaching high for the good fruit. 

A strong man would have only dated women he was attracted to and desired sexually instead of settling for what he could get.

A strong man would not have been pressured into a commitment.

A strong man would have ended a relationship when he realized the woman he was dating was not ‘The One.’


A strong man would not have been manipulated into marriage with a woman he didn’t love. 

A strong man would only be with a woman he loved and desires and he would not hesitate to express his love and desire for her.

A strong man dominates and takes charge in the bedroom and takes his woman with passion. 

So this is on YOU. You are the one that settles and picked the rotten fruit on ground. 

Women are the ones that ultimately choose who they have sex with and choose the father of their offspring. 

You settled. You compromised. 

But the thing is you can live and learn and still make other choices going forward. 

Your options and opportunities are going to be less now that you are a 30 year old mother. But there are still options and opportunities out there. 

Your basic options are suck this up and live with it as long as you can until something happens that you no longer can.

Or start looking into other options.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

``


oldshirt said:


> Actually the majority of women are better looking than their men.
> 
> Their are only a small percentage really good looking men in the world and they tend to either have harems or spin plates because they don’t have to stick with just one woman.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Well, tonight he said he loves me all by himself.

More like:

I'm tired, can i ask a pizza?
Yeah, only because i love you.
Do you really love me me? You almost never say it.
You know i do.

I'm a happy person S2

Sometimes a bit jaded, but life ain't perfect.


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