# Separated but considering having a baby...



## lady :0 (May 23, 2011)

New to this and posted this in a different forum...but mb thought of see i could get more answers here. But here my story: Me and my husband have been separated for about 5months and divorce has been a topic but he tends to get upset when i mention it. The separation was mutural but now i changed my mind and want to keep our family together. but he choose to stay alone because he doesnt want to love no more. I hurt him with my pushyness...naging...and i know that i wasnt the best house wife. He worked up to 16hrs a day and i still complained that he never helped me around the house and when weekend came he wanted to hangout with his friends and naturally id get upset. so alittle by little we'd fight 24/7 and decided to separate. With the separation he started to come by on the weekends...but not really talk about our problems and now it hurts because our son is relizing that "wheres his daddy?" and i hurt because i find myself alone and i love him and ive seen my mistakes and learn to love and respect a man that takes care of his family. I left calm and understanding about how he felt on our marriage. I was able to get a good job after not working for two yrs and provide my son a home. So how did the whole baby idea come in. Well about a month ago i started to see pregnancy symtoms and i felt so much joy...that now i can have somthing to help me coupe with the loss of my marriage and giving me and my son somthing to look foward to even if me and my husband never get back together. But when the test came out negitive...i was quite sad. So now I considering in actually getting preganant from of course my husband and of course he said no...but i told him u cant have sex with me then...and if he never does...hey...it wont hurt me cuz i wont feel used everytime he leaves my home. So what should i do??? sry for the spelling/grammer


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, what?

From your other post you said your husband was the one who initiated the separation & now only wants to see you on the weekends because otherwise he finds you "boring." You don't live together and he wont' commit fully to the marriage. He's also told you he's not down with you getting pregnant.

Why on earth would you want to get pregnant by him? What am I missing here?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

She wants a piece of him before he leaves. She thinks a baby will help soothe her broken heart.

I think she should get a puppy instead. A kitten maybe but not a baby.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> She wants a piece of him before he leaves. She thinks a baby will help soothe her broken heart.
> 
> I think she should get a puppy instead. A kitten maybe but not a baby.


:iagree:


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## lady :0 (May 23, 2011)

A piece of him...we already have a son together...and when i thought i was pregnant it made me feel happy that my mind wont be wrapped around our marriage and focused on our children who are important...thanks for nothing...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lady :0 said:


> A piece of him...we already have a son together...and when i thought i was pregnant it made me feel happy that my mind wont be wrapped around our marriage and focused on our children who are important...thanks for nothing...


It is very unwise to use a baby to satisfy a need in yourself. If you want to have something to focus on, perhaps a better choice would be taking a class, starting or restarting a hobby, engaging in an exercise program, volunteer work. All of these can distract and enrich you. 

A baby is a human being who should be brought in this world primarily for HIS or HER benefit. Not yours. A broken home is not the ideal place to bring in a new child. You will make the very best of it for the sake of your existing son. You have no choice. And he will be fine. But it would be selfish to add a new baby to this to satisfy you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> It is very unwise to use a baby to satisfy a need in yourself. If you want to have something to focus on, perhaps a better choice would be taking a class, starting or restarting a hobby, engaging in an exercise program, volunteer work. All of these can distract and enrich you.
> 
> A baby is a human being who should be brought in this world primarily for HIS or HER benefit. Not yours. A broken home is not the ideal place to bring in a new child. You will make the very best of it for the sake of your existing son. You have no choice. And he will be fine. But it would be selfish to add a new baby to this to satisfy you.


Word


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lady :0 said:


> A piece of him...we already have a son together...and when i thought i was pregnant it made me feel happy that my mind wont be wrapped around our marriage and focused on our children who are important...thanks for nothing...


Just because people don't agree with what you want to hear, that doesn't mean they're giving you nothing. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings on that.

In my opinion, your husband would have to be crazy to give in to something like this. Although I'm not a big fan of the idea of post-separation sex when both spouses aren't on the same page as far as what the destination is anyway... 

I can see how being pregnant would be a distraction from the problems in your marriage. But that's not a solution. You're just avoiding the problem, and in fact, compounding the problem.

C


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## kazz13 (May 23, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> It is very unwise to use a baby to satisfy a need in yourself. If you want to have something to focus on, perhaps a better choice would be taking a class, starting or restarting a hobby, engaging in an exercise program, volunteer work. All of these can distract and enrich you.
> 
> A baby is a human being who should be brought in this world primarily for HIS or HER benefit. Not yours. A broken home is not the ideal place to bring in a new child. You will make the very best of it for the sake of your existing son. You have no choice. And he will be fine. But it would be selfish to add a new baby to this to satisfy you.


Look, It would definitely be unwise to try to bring a baby into the situation your in. There was a time not that long ago that me and my soon to be ex wife were talking about having another child. But when things got a little shaky in our marriage we decided to put it on hold. Now I have to say that was the best decision we have ever made together. Now that is my take I hope it helps you..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lady :0 said:


> A piece of him...we already have a son together...and when i thought i was pregnant it made me feel happy that my mind wont be wrapped around our marriage and focused on our children who are important...thanks for nothing...


Yes, by all means, bring a child into this dynamic. especially when your husband has said he doesn't want one.

:scratchhead:



Mom6547 said:


> It is very unwise to use a baby to satisfy a need in yourself.
> 
> But it would be selfish to add a new baby to this to satisfy you.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Conrad said:


> *Word*


Wow, you went mid-80's on us with "word!" Haven't used that since junion-high.

What we think is missing in all this is, yes she that will help her through her current situation. But methinks also, that she thinks a new baby will bring husband back home. Only part i agree with the OP about is not breaking off the husband the nookie anymore. You can't have have your cake and eat it to. When you are seperated... you are seperated, which means you need to keep your hands to yourself while you are trying to patch things up. Sex... can only confuse this, so no wonder you feel like a just a hole in the wall, because there is no passion to what you are doing.


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## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

Having a baby with him right now seems to me like the worst thing you could do. Why bring a baby into this situation? And if I was him there is no way. He is already going to be paying child support on one child. Why would he want to pay for two?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm sorry. You are being so selfish it makes me ill. To bring a baby into a broken marriage just so you can feel happy is outrageous. Think of the child and not yourself in a decision like this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Wow, you went mid-80's on us with "word!" Haven't used that since junion-high.
> 
> What we think is missing in all this is, yes she that will help her through her current situation. But methinks also, that she thinks a new baby will bring husband back home.


Well if that were the case, then we go from unwise to REALLY REALLY misguided.



> Only part i agree with the OP about is not breaking off the husband the nookie anymore.


Word.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Well if that were the case, then we go from unwise to REALLY REALLY misguided.
> 
> 
> Word.


Guys are telling her its a bad idea... the ladies are telling her its a bad idea. Lets see if she comes back to us and admits... having a child with this dude... really isn't a good idea. 

What's going to happen is after the new glam of baby wears away, you are going to be left with 2 children. I now this sounds kinda messed up ladies, but the more kids you have, the more narrow your dating field becomes, especially if you are young. So if she thinks she's being used now... wait till every guy she meets only wants to nail, knowing that they don't want to stick around to play "daddy" to your 2 seeds.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

NO puppy, NO kitten, and definitely NO baby. MAYBE a goldfish.... maybe... the whole thought of a baby while this is all going down is just not right in any way. It's selfish and not the right thing for the little human being being considered... get a goldfish to make you happy and fill your void while you work out a life plan. Even a puppy would suffer the consequences of the household you're creating. GRRRRR!


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Time for some tough medicine. Your selfihness is most defninetly the root cause of the situation you find yourself in now. I think you know this and that is a start. 

Getting pregnant and having a baby is not going to fill the hole in your heart. You need to get right with yoursself before you play with any one eles life. 

How hard have you tried to get back with your husband? I'm certain he is not perfect, but in todays world,a man is willing to work 16 hours a day to provide for his family is far from the norm. Value what you have, what you had, and may be able to have again.


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## lady :0 (May 23, 2011)

O Im reading what everybody saying...i understand too...the thing i just dont get...why arent u people saying somthing thatll help I mean this site is about marriage...even if its not what we wanna hear...i post the exact same thing somewhere else and i had two wonderful women say that it is a wrong choice to bring a child. But they didnt sound as bitter has half of everyone here.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lady :0 said:


> O Im reading what everybody saying...i understand too...the thing i just dont get...why arent u people saying somthing thatll help I mean this site is about marriage...even if its not what we wanna hear...i post the exact same thing somewhere else and i had two wonderful women say that it is a wrong choice to bring a child. But they didnt sound as bitter has half of everyone here.


Different people are helped in different ways. Do you feel helped?


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## lady :0 (May 23, 2011)

Half of these people talk and just judge and make fun of people problems. And i think to myself...ur on here because u had or are having problems with ur spouse/bf/gf and u want to give good advice or tell them that hey i did that and i didnt turn out well. Not act like a total ass...and judge hard...just makes ppl dont understand that ppl like me...hurt...alot of ppl on here hurt


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lady :0 said:


> Half of these people talk and just judge and make fun of people problems. And i think to myself...ur on here because u had or are having problems with ur spouse/bf/gf and u want to give good advice or tell them that hey i did that and i didnt turn out well. Not act like a total ass...and judge hard...just makes ppl dont understand that ppl like me...hurt...alot of ppl on here hurt


You have to have your fire proof suit on to ride the internet. Take what helps, ignore the rest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lady :0 said:


> O Im reading what everybody saying...i understand too...the thing i just dont get...why arent u people saying somthing thatll help I mean this site is about marriage...even if its not what we wanna hear...i post the exact same thing somewhere else and i had two wonderful women say that it is a wrong choice to bring a child. But they didnt sound as bitter has half of everyone here.


Sorry if we sound "bitter" to you but YOU asked *"So what should i do???"*

You don't get to pick and choose your responses.

We are going to respond based on the facts given:

-He initiated the separation
-He won't commit fully to the marriage
-You only see him on the weekends and he likes it this way because otherwise you "bore" him
-You feel used and hurt everytime he leaves your house 
-Your own words _"he choose to stay alone because he doesnt want to love no more"_
-You state your reason for wanting a baby is *"now I can have somthing to help me coupe with the loss of my marriage"*
-And ultimately, he has told you he does not want  you to get pregnant

And you asked us what you should do. The unanimous advice was to NOT have a baby to use as a coping mechanism as you get through one of the largest traumas you will ever face in your life: divorce. And even worse: an unwanted divorce.

Now if you are both for the marriage--great. Work at it together. But if only want party wants it, no dice. 

Marriages aren't one-sided. 

And babies shouldn't be used as an emotional crutch.


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## lady :0 (May 23, 2011)

Okay mizz jellybeans...now read what u wrote to me...that doesnt sound like someone who is telling me what i should do...just telling me things i already know. I know a baby isnt a good idea...i understand...but u have to learn to write ur words with more compassion and understanding cuz frankly ur gonna be what MOM6547 said "ignore the rest" cuz ur words dont help at all....and it aint because its what i dont want to here its how bitter u are...and i dont want negitivity from what u got to say...so goodbye good luck on ur own issues...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So then is your question actually, "what should I do about my husband leaving me?"

If that's what you're getting at, then I'd actually start a new thread on that topic, because otherwise people are going to keep going around and around with the original question about whether or not to have a baby. You'll be much more likely to get the answers that you're looking for that way.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

The title of your post is _"Separated but considering having a baby..."_ and your question "So what should i do?" is about considering getting pregnant.



lady :0 said:


> ... But when the test came out negitive...i was quite sad. So now I considering in actually getting preganant from of course my husband and of course he said no...but i told him u cant have sex with me then...and if he never does...hey...it wont hurt me cuz i wont feel used everytime he leaves my home. So what should i do??? sry for the spelling/grammer


I think you can see why people unanimously jumped at you about this. 

You've admitted you were not a good wife to him, fought 24/7, and have been separated through mutual agreement for 5 months. What you might do going forward is continue to work on yourself, first... you've gotten a job, started securing your household. Cease any such talk of babies, or sex just for that purpose! If you have changed, show him you've changed permanently, and after showing him, simply ask him if he'd be willing to let you fight for a 2nd chance -- but I'd not bank on that happening from what you have said. He's moved on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lady :0 said:


> Okay mizz jellybeans...now read what u wrote to me...that doesnt sound like someone who is telling me what i should do...just telling me things i already know.


I did read what I wrote. I like to proof what I write before hitting "Submit." That's just how I roll. 

As far as telling you what you should do: only you can decide that but I can tell you, in my opinion, it's a stupid idea idea to get knocked up "to cope with the loss of my marriage" (as you stated). 



lady :0 said:


> I know a baby isnt a good idea...i understand......


That's a good start.



lady :0 said:


> u have to learn to write ur words with more compassion and understanding cuz frankly ur gonna be what MOM6547 said "ignore the rest" cuz ur words dont help at all....and it aint because its what i dont want to here its how bitter u are...and i dont want negitivity from what u got to say...so goodbye good luck on ur own issues...


Sorry if you felt offended but I don't believe I need to "learn to write" my words in any set fashion.

Good luck to you as well on your own "separated but considering having a baby" issue.

I won't be back on this thread. 



2xloser said:


> The title of your post is _"Separated but considering having a baby..."_ and your question "So what should i do?" is about considering getting pregnant.
> 
> I think you can see why people unanimously jumped at you about this.


:iagree:


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## debbieitaly (Jul 19, 2011)

well...after reading all the messages that have been posted, and your story, i have to say i'm very sorry for all the negative and nasty messages you've received by the majority of people who have responded. 

I can certainly understand where you're coming from. I too felt this way recently when i separated from my partner...and I lost a child we were having 2 years ago. Now that we are separated and not getting back together...i have come to the realisation that I probably wont love another man like i loved him, and probably wont get the opportunity to have a baby again, since I am not interested in pursuing another relationship for a while. I'm at the age where if i don't have a baby now, it will be too late. So I have posed the same question you did to my ex, since he is the only man in my life. He said no twice over the period of a couple of months, but has now lightened up about the idea after we talked some more about my loss and my strong desire to have a baby before its too late. He would more or less be a 'donor'. 

We are having one last discussion tonight actually...to decide which way we will go...and i'm very very hopeful he will say yes.

I wish you good luck...because if your child will be loved like the way you say it will, it will be a lot luckier than some children out there that have been brought into this world in marriages that are destructive and unhealthy for a child. If your ex says yes, he is inevitably giving the decision his blessing, and i'm sure he will be there for the child forever...no matter what role the father plays in its life.

Good luck and god bless xox


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