# How can people do it? I do not get it



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

How can people live ina sexless marriage/relationship? I seriously do not get it...

3 weeks without it just forget a bout 2 months? living and sleep in the same bedroom? I do not get it!!! 

I have lived with 3 different women in different relationships in my past and now I am married 2 yrs but still I do not get it!
And yes I am a also a father and a GOOD FATHER, but still do not get it!

How do you do it? living without it?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't know. Because I couldn't. For me not wanting to have sex with someone is a huge red flag if it is prolonged.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Syrum thats right! 

as long as it just decline, then I know there is something to be fixed soon, whether is me or her but something is up to be fixed! I do not get it how people could go that long...do not get it!!!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I think i could get over it if it was a physicl/medical reason, something real, but I would also have to have something in the place of. It's too much fun for me, and it is a big part of keeping fun in a relationship.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

:iagree:



woodstock said:


> I think i could get over it if it was a physicl/medical reason....It's too much fun for me, and it is a big part of keeping fun in a relationship.


I can not live with a person in a sexless life. 
That is why a man and a woman created and so marriage is between the 2 different sexes in order to have sex.

No marriage for friends have been invented so far, so If friends...I have enough, I can have a friend at home to live with.

I do not know how people do it! No can't!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't know. Maybe some people, even though they miss the sex and want it, feel they have other things in their life/marriage that outweigh that of not having sex VS getting divorced. I don't know.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Callalilly provided my answer. I am 32 and have gone a considerable amount of time without it (I can't type the number because you won't believe me).

After a while you just get numb to it. And your anger and resentment overcome you. So you channel that energy into other things. Not saying I haven't wanted to stray because that thought crosses my mind regularly...it's human nature to want it.


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## young_b (Mar 4, 2011)

I get where you're coming from sinnister! i feel like i'm constantly begging my husband for sex...and the one time i do get it, he's not really interested like i'm forcing him to do some horrible chore!

straying has definitely crossed my mind, i don't understand why anyone wouldn't want it unless they themselves are straying =/


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I don't get it either. I guess people can get use to all kinds of things. 

I believe sex is one of lifes greatest joys, and I intend to enjoy it as long as I can.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

In my case I think my resentment toward my husband has become so bad that I just don't want it. I should probably file for divorce, but fear of many issues stops me. I miss it sometimes, but miss the intimacy and closeness more. I have just decided this is how I will probably be from now on and I try to find other things to spend my time on. I know my husband wants it more and he gets mad about it, so maybe he will file for divorce.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

18 years without. Almost zero before that. I gave up years ago. The horse is dead stop beating it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

No sex = It would be a severe "Deal Breaker" for me personally. Even back in the day when I was not sex craved, I still "needed" it at least once a week. 

I emotionally NEED my husbands desire and he NEEDS to feel mine for him. Nothing in this life can even compare , this is what makes us "one" in our hearts, a connection not easily broken. Without this, everything begins to wither.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Me and my wife, have sex 4-5 days a week and in some of those days twice or 3 times a day. Average 8-9 times a week. She is crazy and horny about me, same as me! AND WE HAVE A CHILD but that never stop or reduce our sex life!

We love, adore, respect and attracted to each other. We are most adventurous and spontaneous creatures!

WE LOVE SEX!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband used to be "vanilla" once a weekers, cause we were foolish & repressed. Now we are 4-6 times a week, been this way for the past 2 & a half years, I even keep a sex calender to see how long this can last, as we are getting older. Happiest times of our lives.  

The difference in our communication & openness (on his end especially) has been pretty amazing, so desirous happening sex brings many additional benefits. 

I used to be grouchier back in the day- I am convinced now I needed "layed" more often & just didn't know it! He wasn't as happy before either & took it out on the kids. 

Tasting of this type of happiness, one would have a hard time ever settling for less. But I know as we grow older, this pace will slow little by little. Thank heavens for Viagra! I want it to last forever.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Me & my husband used to be "vanilla" once a weekers, cause we were foolish & repressed. Now we are 4-6 times a week, been this way for the past 2 & a half years, I even keep a sex calender to see how long this can last, as we are getting older. Happiest times of our lives.
> 
> The difference in our communication & openness (on his end especially) has been pretty amazing, so desirous happening sex brings many additional benefits.
> 
> ...


Good that you have realized and made the change. Enjoy and keep on having fun Sex is wondeful!

I am gonna tear my wife's naughty clothes tonight


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ebbs and flows. Sometimes its 2x a week, sometimes its 1x, sometims its only 3x times in an entire month. Its not easy, and resentment can fill in very quickly. If given a choice it would be nice to have it atleast 2x a week on the reg, and have it not to be a chore. She says she's just not as horny as me, even though i can bring her over the top when we do make love.

My thing is quite simple. If a man thinks enuff of you to make you his wife, and he treats you with love, respect, passion, and is a good father and provider... he shouldn't have to jump through hoops to make love to you. Because i'm telling you, it builds up extreme resentment over time, and its just so much a person can take before they get tired of trying so hard. Ladies F your men, do often, even if you are sometimes not in the mood, dont give them a reason to look elsewhere.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

THIS is the attitude EVERY wife needs -when she has a "good" man at her side, compliments of ThreeTimesALady, a member of this forum >>> 



> *Sex* *is* desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. *Sex* *is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex** is *waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex* *is* finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex* *is* turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. *Love is *having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is* being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. *Love is *being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . *Love is *the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is *being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.


Would be far fewer divorces and a whole lot happier men walking this earth. Women too if they can get ahold of this.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

AniversaryFight said:


> How can people live ina sexless marriage/relationship? I seriously do not get it.


I don't know...I have asked my self the same question about those who stay in abusive relationships. I don't get it either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't understand it either. Granted, my libido was nowhere near as high as my ex's but we still averaged sex 2x a week in our 8 yr relationship (and that was at the very end).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> 18 years without. Almost zero before that. I gave up years ago. The horse is dead stop beating it.


Runs, the ladies of TAM are going to write your wife a letter and tell her she needs to give you some sugar. Seriously. I don't get 18 yrs w/o sexing your spouse up. What is her reason? 

I can understand going thru times where your libido may be down but not for 18 yrs!!!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Looking back I don't know why I stayed in a sexless marriage. I was ready to walk out when we started counseling and he promised to change. It got a little better and I guess I just didn't want to start over so I stayed. I just buried myself in work, took care of my own physical needs and learned to live without. Over the years we've both mellowed and we are up to having sex a few times a week so I can't complain. It's a far cry over where we were and while I'm not sure if he was worth the wait I'm still trying because when it's all said and done I do love him.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> 18 years without. Almost zero before that. I gave up years ago. The horse is dead stop beating it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish you'd leave your wife. You deserve to be happy. It's never too late.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I wish you'd leave your wife. You deserve to be happy. It's never too late.


I think Runs likes to be punished, and thats why he stays. :scratchhead:


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

What is not to get? A sexless marriage can occur for any variety of reasons...and is not always a choice. Be thankful that you do not know what it is like!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Seldom to never would be my wife's preference. Unfortunately I get major physiologically emotionally effed up long before that so she relents even though it is not her preference.

So trying to get out of this she is always wanting to leave but she can't own up to actually doing it. Tuesday night we were sharing and she demands to have and "adult" (please) conversation regarding how we should go about her leaving. I got up without a word and went to bed. Yesterday she goes to the marriage specialist at our church, they talk and he recommends another mc. She's in a good mood later about our marriage (the day after demanding we plan how she could leave) so I ask and she says "Yes, if I have to". Of course she has to, a yes is a yes and she was pretty much OK after we got into it.

When we were first married, I used to call her "Irish" since her mom is from Ireland and she reminds me of Notre Dame athletics.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well as I said, it was near zero before. Basically unless it was to conceive my wife had zero interest. I would have to say that back of the envelope, we had sex maybe 15 times in the first 13 years, outside of trying to conceive and none since. And subsequently, my wife had both cancerous ovaries removed and has steadfastly refused any hormone therapy. So in effect she went through a crash course in menopause in her early 30's. Her almost complete lack of interest prior I chalk up to being a repressed woman-child princess type. Or something. To be fair though I'm the one who stopped pushing. She never not once initiated or so much as reacted when I did other than to refuse 90% of the time. And then I had to do all the work anyway, at that. So I just got fed up. I already HAVE a job. To me, sex is really a small part of it. It's more significantly about being sold a bill of goods from someone who lied about having plans and ambitions and dreams but in truth wanted no more than to sit at home having kids and keeping house, begrudgingly, angrily. All I need to do now to make her life complete is to get a full time housekeeper to do all of that. But she's such a control freak she'd clean the house twice as much as before just to make it presentable to the Russian immigrant we hired to do it for her. 

One thing that does give me agita is that we're barely months away from the empty nest years. My last at home kid is graduating soon and hopefully will be able to be employed sufficiently to eventually move out. Then it's just me and the missus and the dogs, who she doesn't take care of. And then what? Send the dogs to live with the kids and take a new job that involves massive travel? We plan on selling the house and downsizing a bit, but even that concerns me as she will never really cut the apron strings. And then we'll all be up in each other's faces when the kids come to visit which will be fairly often. Especially if she's successful at scaring off any potential wives for them. She has mentioned taking a trip to Italy she's 'always' wanted. But we haven't taken a vacation since 1999 and that was a disaster. I swore I'd never get trapped in a foreign country with her again. We went to the French alps and she refused to ski. She spent all her time grocery shopping and doing laundry. And getting in a fight with her sister. Ach, maybe I'll send her to Italy and pay for one of her friends to go with her. I'll probably take a class in Italian this fall just to keep the brain cells firing. What-ever. 

Anyway, the sex. It was never a significant part of our relationship so its absence is no longer a big deal. I'll draw you an analogy. I am color blind. So I don't miss what you normals call 'blue' or 'yellow'. I can sort of tell what they are but they don't mean anything to me. We've always been little more than roommates. And roommates who don't get along. I couldn't tell you what a normal marriage looks like. It's not a pity me moment, it's just what it is.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Amen brother, thanks for sharing


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Runs, what first attracted you to your wife? And how does she act in every day life with you? I'm not meaning sex, I meaning in all the other areas of your life together? Do you all do things together? Does she act happy, or show any kind of enthusiaium in anything she does etc? I'm just wondering how you all communicate on a day to day basis.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I have 2 babies with my hubby and we're still both very naughty.
Without it then marriage is useless for me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I liked at first my wife's razor sharp mind. Her take no guff view of things. And there was a sweet innocence underneath, a naivete I found charming. 

No we do very little together. She's on a permanent grumble. And I am on a permanent avoidance. She's often on the edge of some kind of meltdown or complaint or whatnot. Everything is an excuse for her to say something nasty and targeted, whiny or obnoxious. And not only to me or about me. Just in general - the universe. We communicate the basics of what needs to be done. There's no heart in it, more like an endless series of news alerts and public service announcements. We have a very crisp delineation of tasks and chores. She cooks I clean up. She shampoos the carpet I vacuum. She washes the laundry I fold it and put it away, etc. etc. She's usually asleep on the couch before 830-9pm. I take the dogs out for their last walk at 11 and get up between 530-630 and do it all over again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs, are you happy?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I liked at first my wife's razor sharp mind. Her take no guff view of things. And there was a sweet innocence underneath, a naivete I found charming.
> 
> No we do very little together. She's on a permanent grumble. And I am on a permanent avoidance. She's often on the edge of some kind of meltdown or complaint or whatnot. Everything is an excuse for her to say something nasty and targeted, whiny or obnoxious. And not only to me or about me. Just in general - the universe. We communicate the basics of what needs to be done. There's no heart in it, more like an endless series of news alerts and public service announcements. We have a very crisp delineation of tasks and chores. She cooks I clean up. She shampoos the carpet I vacuum. She washes the laundry I fold it and put it away, etc. etc. She's usually asleep on the couch before 830-9pm. I take the dogs out for their last walk at 11 and get up between 530-630 and do it all over again.


This whole thing makes me sad! 

Its one thing to have the sex issues you have described before, but quite another to have no married life at all. I guess after years of living like that, you are just numb to it all? 

Why would you live like this Runs?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

There is not any 1 woman on earth, that I would want to have sex with everyday, for years on end. When I was 19, I can honestly say I was in a relationship with a young woman who was a perfect "10" and she was a champ in bed too, after about 3 months of sex everyday, I started getting bored.

To me, my beef with my wife, is not so much the lack of sex, because she would have sex w/ me every night if I wanted , its the lack of flirting and feminity on her part that is missing, the sex is just the end game and anti-climatic IMO. Really good sex 1X a week or even a month, beats the heck outta mediocre sex every night.

I also gotta shake my head when people say "why dont you just leave", as if were talking about breaking up w/ a HS sweetheart theres kids, property, real estate, finacial ruin, etc. involved, plus it takes forever and it costs a fortune! it aint that easy.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Runs, are you happy?


Occasionally yes. But since I suffer from severe clinical depression psychosis and affective disorder BP1 and BP2 all of which are treated medically with an array of treatments, I could not say my moods and emotions are normal even on a good day. Some days are ok some are terrible. Mostly what I experience and want to experience is calm and peace.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I know Franklin, I am one of these people who say "just leave" - Yes, it is the RIGHT MORAL thing to do but RARELY the EASY road to travel, some loose their children, some children never forgive, they do not understand. Endless. This is reality. And unfortunetly even Good people, I feel, can fall into affairs because of these grueling suffering situations they find themselves in. In RUNS case, I wouldn't blame the man ONE BIT ! 

Any spouse who refuses to give sexually & shuts it all off should NEVER be "shocked" and outraged when his or her spouse falls into the arms of another. It pi**es people off that I say this, but I feel the ungiving is at fault here to a huge degree -for such an outcome.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> There is not any 1 woman on earth, that I would want to have sex with everyday, for years on end.
> ...
> Really good sex 1X a week or even a month, beats the heck outta mediocre sex every night.


Completely the opposite here, and even though mediocre would be a step up every night would be fine


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Completely the opposite here, and even though mediocre would be a step up every night would be fine


 Ok good luck w/ that. 
Personally I think ejaculating everyday is like taking a wizz, theres a bullet but no "bang", I like the kinda batches that make you dizzy afterwards.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good sex is so nice


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Any spouse who refuses to give sexually & shuts it all off should NEVER be "shocked" and outraged when his or her spouse falls into the arms of another. It pi**es people off that I say this, but I feel the ungiving is at fault here to a huge degree -for such an outcome.


I feel the same way about emotional presence. Spouses would be sexual and emotional. When you neglect either of these, it's no good.

Runs, I am glad to see you get treatment to help you out.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> To me, my beef with my wife, is not so much the lack of sex, because she would have sex w/ me every night if I wanted , its the lack of flirting and feminity on her part that is missing, the sex is just the end game and anti-climatic IMO. Really good sex 1X a week or even a month, beats the heck outta mediocre sex every night.


I assumed that the end game was enough but I see now it's not (so glad I found these boards). Today I was flirting with my dh over lunch and he said he was so glad I'm upping my game (different words but this is what he meant) because as he put it at age 45 it's really helping him get aroused and he said he liked knowing that I really wanted him. That was very nice to hear.

So I totally get where you are coming from and I appreciate you putting your thoughts out there because it really helps me improve my own marriage.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I assumed that the end game was enough but I see now it's not (so glad I found these boards). Today I was flirting with my dh over lunch and he said he was so glad I'm upping my game (different words but this is what he meant) because as he put it at age 45 it's really helping him get aroused and he said he liked knowing that I really wanted him. That was very nice to hear.
> 
> So I totally get where you are coming from and I appreciate you putting your thoughts out there because it really helps me improve my own marriage.


 I did that? cool:smthumbup:


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## Alphan (Mar 23, 2011)

Regular and enjoyable sex is a spontaneous peak only achievable by couples who have first purposed to be good friends and who have power over any form of selfishness. Any other way is a form of manipulation, stress alleviation, or just as an expression of one wanting to have his or her way.

If love, respect, friendliness and trust disappear through the door, sex exits through the window. Whatever is left is just a shadow. Real sex is expressed with mutual surrender and sighs of warm intimacy. Shadow sex is accompanied with phrases like, "Do whatever you're doing fast... :sleeping: wanna sleep..." In essence, no fun and no mutual expression.

Sex is so jealous. It's a seal of mutual ownership. Both the husband and the wife want to feel honored as they share in its indescribable joy. Those who want to have it just because they have a right fail the test. It's true it's ones right to have sex with his or her spouse. But it's a different thing to have fun and enjoy sex with them.

I'm not trying to suggest that I have it smoothly all the way, but I keep on working on trust, love and respect. If you want to get more milk, you got to feed the cow well.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> I did that? cool:smthumbup:


Yes I have to rely on guys like you to tell me how you feel because my own dh isn't all that forthcoming. I think after 20 years of marriage he kinda gave up.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

Frankly...for me at least it's the kids.

It started out being something to "deal with" after births and then mental craziness but morphed into a ridiculous situation. I mean...jesus it's very embarassing to even talk about but to be blunt, if this was someone I didn't have kids with I would have walked long ago and never looked back.

As things stand though, if I do, I'm looking at basically giving her near total control over the kids and much of my own future. It may sound sad but there are many times after a beer or two that I think I can live without it just to see my beautiful kids every day and know that they are safe

Is great (very maybe) sex with someone else after leaving her worth not seeing their faces each night? Can I give up being with the kids and being a regular part of their lives to simply satisfy my own desires? 

Is it selfish to often feel I want to?

I don't know but so far, here I am


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I feel the same way about emotional presence. Spouses would be sexual and emotional. When you neglect either of these, it's no good.
> 
> Runs, I am glad to see you get treatment to help you out.


:iagree: This is so true. Its not just about someone neglecting their spouse sexually. If a person neglects their spouse emotionally, especially after being told and shown what that spouse needs from the other, its just as bad. 

I also think if one spouse has told or shown the other spouse what they need/want from them, and that spouse continues to neglect them, chances are that spouse has probably just completely checked out of the marriage, and chances of you getting what you want/need from them are slim.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Living in a sexless marriage is hard,but for some reason or another it is even harder to leave. (I am a very sexual person or used to be) My H and i have an almost 2 year old son. I could not imagine ripping him away from his dad and away from the only home he has ever known. On another note is it fair for my son to see me/us unhappy? I don't know. I do know that I will not live like this forever, I can't and I won't.. If i didn't have a child with him i would have already left. The more i bring it up the longer it is in between. After 2 weeks i am about ready to rip someone (his) head off. I have given up on sex and that is sad for the most part. 

If someone would have come up to me and said this is what your marriage will be in 5 years. I would have laughed at them and said there was no way in hell that was going to happen. I don't know what happend. and I have tried everything i can think of to get that spark back. I am tired of trying and out of options. 

My H knows what my needs are and he refuses to do anything, so with that said I am refusing to meet his needs. I no longer do anything for him. Why should I, he doesn't do **** for me.


I have realized over the years the only person you should ever rely on is yourself, everyone else will just let you down.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's actually not any easier without kids. It's just a hard decision to make no matter where you're at. The theory is simple...he won't put out, I'm gone. The reality is a lot harder to sort out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> It's actually not any easier without kids.


Sorry but that's garbage.

When you have other lives involved it's a HUGE difference.

It's never easy but when you add children it's always much harder.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In the case of those who withhold sex from their mates, the answer is easy. They stay because they are getting something else they value more than love or sex. I'd guess in 95% of the cases, that means material support (financial security). They don't dig their mate but they prefer hanging with him/her to the frightening aspect of being alone. Other people are just plain addicted to misery and if they didn't have it, they'd create some. They have never been happy and don't know how to be. Misery is familiar so they cling to it and generally go out of their way to make others unhappy, too. 
For those who are being abused in this way (and it is abuse), some stick around for religious notions. Others stick around for the kids' sake. Others stick around cause they know they'll suffer financially if they split. Some who have experienced more than one or two failed relationships believe that there's no point in leaving cause the next "partner" may be even more screwed up than the one they have. People generally stick with what they know. Prisoners, just released after decades in prison very often go out of their way to get locked back up cause freedom isn't a life they know how to live and being free is just as scary to them as being locked up would be to most of us.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> In the case of those who withhold sex from their mates, the answer is easy. They stay because they are getting something else they value more than love or sex. I'd guess in 95% of the cases, that means material support (financial security). They don't dig their mate but they prefer hanging with him/her to the frightening aspect of being alone. Other people are just plain addicted to misery and if they didn't have it, they'd create some. They have never been happy and don't know how to be. Misery is familiar so they cling to it and generally go out of their way to make others unhappy, too.
> For those who are being abused in this way (and it is abuse), some stick around for religious notions. Others stick around for the kids' sake. Others stick around cause they know they'll suffer financially if they split. Some who have experienced more than one or two failed relationships believe that there's no point in leaving cause the next "partner" may be even more screwed up than the one they have. People generally stick with what they know. Prisoners, just released after decades in prison very often go out of their way to get locked back up cause freedom isn't a life they know how to live and being free is just as scary to them as being locked up would be to most of us.


Very sad, but I believe VERY VERY true. :iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because I am ruined for any normal adult relations otherwise.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> There is not any 1 woman on earth, that I would want to have sex with everyday, for years on end. When I was 19, I can honestly say I was in a relationship with a young woman who was a perfect "10" and she was a champ in bed too, after about 3 months of sex everyday, I started getting bored.


Franklin, not all men are like this. I KNOW you are just speaking for yourself here, not making a statement about 'all" men of coarse. 

I wonder if your wife SENSED you felt this way, I can't imagine how difficult that would be to know your husband felt like that deep down. Personally that would SUCK!! 

Knowing this in your late teens about yourself, I think you would have done well to *not* cage yourself in marraige.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I also think if one spouse has told or shown the other spouse what they need/want from them, and that spouse continues to neglect them, chances are that spouse has probably just completely checked out of the marriage, and chances of you getting what you want/need from them are slim.


So true. It's maddening to be with someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway. Selfish, really.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> There is not any 1 woman on earth, that I would want to have sex with everyday, for years on end. When I was 19, I can honestly say I was in a relationship with a young woman who was a perfect "10" and she was a champ in bed too, after about 3 months of sex everyday, I started getting bored..


Really? 
I wondered what the purpose of posting this could possibly be - you rejected a beautiful teenage girl because she bored you after a short time, even in your sexual peek? So you have had the very best sex object and threw it away because you were not adequately entertained. You are that good that you can reject what other men dream of- a perfect sex object. And that makes you what??? 

Are you saying that you are incapable of being satisfied with any sex object? That women are so wanting in so many ways that they are lucky to be considered by you for any period of time. and your wife- she does not come up to your exacting standards try though she might. 

This is an incredable post. It capsulizes many of the attitudes of many contemporary men. The sense of entitlement to a sex object that meets a high standard created by men to judge women. The expectation of a varied, entertaining sexual performence by the woman that will sustain his interest. 

There does not seem to be a hint of self reflection. I wonder when i read this where dooes your sense of entitlement come from? How did you get the notion that you had such high value and retained the right of first refusal? Do you think that you could hold the interest of one woman for more than 6 months. 

Maybe you cut and run just before women are bored with you, is that possible. keeps up the facade of your superiority and the inadequacy of even the most beautiful sex object. You wife is not feminine, but you don't seem to like women maybe that's why she changed thinking you would like a more masculine presentation. You seem to have such a high opinion of your self and a low opinion of women, so she makes a natural mistake. . 

Men lament the fate of men who are tricked into marriage by women who don't like sex. I have not seen the equivalent lament by women who are tricked into marriage by a man who knows before going in that he is a misogynous - incapable of love and regards women as dispossible sex units. Women invariably blame themselves and avoid judging men the way they judge us. But that will change, women are adopting the attitudes previously common to men only. 

You should not have gotten married. It seems you would have been happier with short term relationships with value 8 or above sex onjects. You could have hired a surrogate for kids and a housekeeper and cook. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine. That was without a doubt the best post I have ever read on any board any where.

:lol:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> In the case of those who withhold sex from their mates, the answer is easy. They stay because they are getting something else they value more than love or sex. I'd guess in 95% of the cases, that means material support (financial security). They don't dig their mate but they prefer hanging with him/her to ... being alone.


Bingo. And don't belittle non-financial support such as watching the kids, doing errands, repairing, organizing, planning, cleaning, maintaining ...

Having someone else do things for you is a big benefit


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I also think if one spouse has told or shown the other spouse what they need/want from them, and that spouse continues to neglect them, chances are that spouse has probably just completely checked out of the marriage, and chances of you getting what you want/need from them are slim.


I am not so quick to jump to this conclusion. It is very difficult for anyone to know exactly what is going on in some else's head and there are an endless variety of reasons/circumstances that can result in the observed behavior. In all fairness, we don't have any input in this thread from the other side of this conflict. However, I think we can safely say that it's going to take some work and the burden of that work may fall on the requesting party.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> No sex = It would be a severe "Deal Breaker" for me personally. Even back in the day when I was not sex craved, I still "needed" it at least once a week.
> 
> I emotionally NEED my husbands desire and he NEEDS to feel mine for him. Nothing in this life can even compare , this is what makes us "one" in our hearts, a connection not easily broken. Without this, everything begins to wither.


People always say it's a "deal breaker."

But it rarely is.

Probably because while you think you know what you would do in any given situation - when actually faced with the situation - your choices seem to change.

I emotionally need my husband's desire also. More than anyone knows, even him. But - the situation is not that easy. There are a lot of psychological and medical reasons and that complicates the situation.

So while I'm not happy about it, I'm lonely, I feel rejected, undesired, etc., I am trying to be supportive and patient.

Will that last forever - if you were to ask me right now - I would say HELL NO and I've expressed just that to him. But what is forever? He's only 2.5 years post-TBI, even his own neuro has said I need to be patient - that it's not as black/white as I think it is.

So, right now I'm being patient, but I'm trying to figure out what my timeline is as far as the patience and support - haven't quite figured that out yet.

I believe that issues are much more involved than I know or is being communciated to me. Whether I agree or not or whether I think it's shallow, etc. - I personally believe my body appearance (stomach) IS part of the issue. Now - when that's surgically repaired this summer - if things don't change - that may be catalyst for me making a different decision. I don't know - it's all more complicated than anyone realizes - until you're faced with it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Really?
> I wondered what the purpose of posting this could possibly be - you rejected a beautiful teenage girl because she bored you after a short time, even in your sexual peek? So you have had the very best sex object and threw it away because you were not adequately entertained. You are that good that you can reject what other men dream of- a perfect sex object. And that makes you what???


Ok first off he was 19 when he did that. Secondly I read his post completely opposite than you did. I've been that masculine type woman who didn't flirt with her husband and yes it cost me. It wasn't my husband's fault that he wasn't exactly thrilled to have sex with me and he's no womanizer. Not even close.

Now I don't know this guy or his wife but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. What wrong with a man wanting his wife to be more feminine and to flirt with him?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I am not so quick to jump to this conclusion. It is very difficult for anyone to know exactly what is going on in some else's head and there are an endless variety of reasons/circumstances that can result in the observed behavior. In all fairness, we don't have any input in this thread from the other side of this conflict. However, I think we can safely say that it's going to take some work and the burden of that work may fall on the requesting party.


You're right, however, I would think if the other spouse has done nothing to help salvage the marriage after being told or shown whats needed and wanted by the other spouse... then IMO it may come down to, they do not know how to... which if thats the case they should seek help to learn how to...if they chose not to seek help to then maybe its because they do not want to learn ways of meeting that spouses needs/wants...which says to me maybe they are checked out of the marriage....You're right though I do not know the whole story from both sides...so I apologize for that..however its been IME for it to have been like that and in others I have known, whose spouse chose to do nothing....and yes that doesn't mean its like that for everyone...so who knows really why a person chooses to not meet their spouses needs etc.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Personally, I think a lot of this behavior stems from some kind of inner emotional blockage and I genuinely feel sorry for everyone affected by this. They may even feel they are involved and supportive of their marriages but they are completely incapable of doing what is needed, usually for reasons completely outside of their control (like their parents). 

That said, I think it is very important for anyone who thinks they are involved in their marriage to studiously avoid any behavior that might give their partner the wrong idea and make it look like they are "checked out", regardless of whether they are or not. Just like honest people go out of their way to avoid doing anything that might make them appear to be dishonest, an involved marriage partner should likewise completely avoid doing anything that makes them look like they are checked out.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Ok first off he was 19 when he did that. Secondly I read his post completely opposite than you did. I've been that masculine type woman who didn't flirt with her husband and yes it cost me. It wasn't my husband's fault that he wasn't exactly thrilled to have sex with me and he's no womanizer. Not even close.
> 
> Now I don't know this guy or his wife but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. What wrong with a man wanting his wife to be more feminine and to flirt with him?


Wife.....Flirt.....Does not compute. 

Brain has encountered a critical error and will now shut down.

Critical error in marriage.exe offset 0x0000004F1A.

As I've said in many posts my sex life these days consists of my wife looking at me and saying, "Want to go to the bedroom?" in the exact same voice she uses when she says, "Do you want corn or string beans with dinner?"

It is totally awesome.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> You're right, however, I would think if the other spouse has done nothing to help salvage the marriage after being told or shown whats needed and wanted by the other spouse... then IMO it may come down to, they do not know how to... which if thats the case they should seek help to learn how to...if they chose not to seek help to then maybe its because they do not want to learn ways of meeting that spouses needs/wants...which says to me maybe they are checked out of the marriage....You're right though I do not know the whole story from both sides...so I apologize for that..however its been IME for it to have been like that and in others I have known, whose spouse chose to do nothing....and yes that doesn't mean its like that for everyone...so who knows really why a person chooses to not meet their spouses needs etc.


I tend to agree with this. IMO, I do think there are some people who simply do not know how to meet their spouses needs. Possibly by not seeing it from family or parents. However, as an adult people have choices, and if one spouses has clearly shown the other spouse what they feel they are lacking from them, and that spouse is able to comprehend this, then yes, at that point they have the choice to try learn how to meet that spouses needs and wants. 

I myself have been on the receiving end in a relationship, where this very thing happened. I told the person I was seeing how I felt, what I wanted or needed from them. Do I think she didn't know how to give that to me, sure, and possibly it came from her background/childhood After I had repeatedly shown her what I felt was lacking, she refused to meet me half way and at least try and make some kind of effort. TO ME it said I wasn't worth the time or energy for her to learn anything. I ended it. So yes, there are some who do not know how, however I think playing the "I don't know how" card for so long after being told and shown whats needed, then says to me its no longer so much about how they do not know how to, but more about how they do not want to.

BTW, this is based on those who do not try and put forth some kind of effort. There are people who actually do try, but when you do nothing at all after being told and shown etc, then yes, it probably comes down to them possibly just not wanting to.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Personally, I think a lot of this behavior stems from some kind of inner emotional blockage and I genuinely feel sorry for everyone affected by this. They may even feel they are involved and supportive of their marriages but they are completely incapable of doing what is needed, usually for reasons completely outside of their control (like their parents).
> 
> That said, I think it is very important for anyone who thinks they are involved in their marriage to studiously avoid any behavior that might give their partner the wrong idea and make it look like they are "checked out", regardless of whether they are or not. Just like honest people go out of their way to avoid doing anything that might make them appear to be dishonest, an involved marriage partner should likewise completely avoid doing anything that makes them look like they are checked out.


:iagree:

A lot of it has to do with resentment and an emotional blockage. Sex with your spouse requires you to be open and emotionally vulnerable. I once read an article that says that "men" are their most vulnerable when having sex - it's the one time they let go and become more open. 

And for some men (and women), that's a scary thing. If you open yourself up to someone, they then have the ability to hurt you. If you stay closed-off, then you can't be hurt - simple as that for them.

And too bad - they are really missing out on something special.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Boogsie said:


> Wife.....Flirt.....Does not compute.
> 
> Brain has encountered a critical error and will now shut down.
> 
> ...


And yes my point exactly. My sex life is better when I get more creative and more seductive. I'd do things like spend an entire saturday wearing a skirt and heels within nothing on underneath. And just happened to mention it to him over breakfast with a wink. By the time the kids got to bed I didn't have to ask if he wanted to go the bedroom he beat me there.  

Reason I'm back here is I find it's all too easy to drift back into my manly role. So my seductive side never lasted long unfortunately. I'm determined to make it stick this time though.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> And yes my point exactly. My sex life is better when I get more creative and more seductive. I'd do things like spend an entire saturday wearing a skirt and heels within nothing on underneath. And just happened to mention it to him over breakfast with a wink. By the time the kids got to bed I didn't have to ask if he wanted to go the bedroom he beat me there.
> 
> Reason I'm back here is I find it's all too easy to drift back into my manly role. So my seductive side never lasted long unfortunately. I'm determined to make it stick this time though.


Were that my wife she wouldn't need to tell me anything with a wink. That kind of hint I wouldn't be able to miss. 

It is strange you bring this up because this is something I haven't thought about. My wife hasn't dressed sexy since maybe year 5 of our 14 year long relationship. Something like that would stand out like a sore thumb. She wears the same "uniform" around the house all the time. Torn shorts and ratty T-shirts. How nice even a floor length skirt would be. LOL


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Boogsie said:


> It is strange you bring this up because this is something I haven't thought about. My wife hasn't dressed sexy since maybe year 5 of our 14 year long relationship. Something like that would stand out like a sore thumb. She wears the same "uniform" around the house all the time. Torn shorts and ratty T-shirts. How nice even a floor length skirt would be. LOL


Ok I sheepishly admit that up until last year (and remember I'm coming up on a 20 year anniversary) I lived in 20 year old sweatshirts, ratty t-shirts, oversized jeans, and god awful gym shoes. Now when I was working as a CPA it was only moderately better as I did wear suits but they were harsh, manly looking suits and my hair was super short (dh hates short hair). Wasn't even sexy librarian look it was more ball buster look. Still not condusive to sex.

I began reading relationship books and doing bible studies and realized the error of my ways. I pitched almost all my clothes after I lost 25 pounds and bought new ones. I figured out that I could have cute, comfy clothes and not look like a total slob. Think an episode of what not to wear that was me. I'm better now and whats weird is looking nice, feminine, sexy actually makes me FEEL that way too. Who knew?

My sex life with just this one change went from once a week to 2-3 times a week.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Boogsie;302236wife looking at me and saying said:


> I would consider that a major improvement


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So I was reading today that ******* ran a study that determined that hardcore twitterers have statistically significantly shorter relationships than non twitterers. A low of 7% shorter and a high of 15% shorter.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

well im sure ill get banned again for simply responding to this unprovoked attack but here goes anyway.


Catherine602 said:


> Really?(what a tired clich'e ), no, im kidding
> I wondered what the purpose of posting this could possibly be
> Gee thought I had the right to give my POV here-
> you rejected a beautiful teenage girl because she bored you after a short time, even in your sexual peek? So you have had the very best sex object and threw it away because you were not adequately entertained. You are that good that you can reject what other men dream of- a perfect sex object. And that makes you what???
> ...


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Ok first off he was 19 when he did that. Secondly I read his post completely opposite than you did. I've been that masculine type woman who didn't flirt with her husband and yes it cost me. It wasn't my husband's fault that he wasn't exactly thrilled to have sex with me and he's no womanizer. Not even close.
> 
> Now I don't know this guy or his wife but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. What wrong with a man wanting his wife to be more feminine and to flirt with him?


Thank you for actually reading my post, and not taking what I said personally. Im glad some people have the ability to be honest about themselves, and their relationships, instead of attacking people, who are simply a messenger, of what they already know.
Im sure your husband appreciates you willingness to change for him. Im glad to say my wife has recently been making some changes for the better, as well, and I have certainly not neglected to notice, or express appreciation for her efforts.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hey Franklin, so glad to hear about your wife stepping it up & making some changes! 

I'll be honest as well, I have never been with another guy, the same, the same, the same. Been with him since I was 15! 

I have had thoughts of "some strange" now & then, wondered what I might have missed. I think this is "normal" if you are honest with yourself. I am not going to act on them, this would hurt him tremendously, it would kill something in us. 

Our way of dealing with this is shaking things up, trying new things, he gets to see Strippers, I get to talk Sex online, we learn creative things, we bring them back to the bedroom. 

Monogomy is wonderful and is a true blessing, but we NEED to keep it fresh & exciting.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> 18 years without. Almost zero before that. I gave up years ago. The horse is dead stop beating it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you and your wife change clothes infront of each other? Do you see her naked body, butt etc Does she see your naked body? if YES, how do you handle seen her naked for all those years?

Do you have any plans for your life? 

Whether you have kids or not, whether how much will have to loose a million dollar for a divorce,...that should not stop you having a divorce, I think you should even do it today!!!

SEX and happy marriage with a lovely woman who will make you happy (and make her happy) is one of the most important thing in this world, missing it is like missing half of your life.

Your needs to be satisfied is a MUST and you should divorce and get another woman from today!

I can not stand living with a healthy woman and have sex once in a week or once in every two weeks I would have divorce for that!!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Jamison said:


> I tend to agree with this. IMO, I do think there are some people who simply do not know how to meet their spouses needs. Possibly by not seeing it from family or parents. However, as an adult people have choices, and if one spouses has clearly shown the other spouse what they feel they are lacking from them, and that spouse is able to comprehend this, then yes, at that point they have the choice to try learn how to meet that spouses needs and wants.
> 
> I myself have been on the receiving end in a relationship, where this very thing happened. I told the person I was seeing how I felt, what I wanted or needed from them. Do I think she didn't know how to give that to me, sure, and possibly it came from her background/childhood After I had repeatedly shown her what I felt was lacking, she refused to meet me half way and at least try and make some kind of effort. TO ME it said I wasn't worth the time or energy for her to learn anything. I ended it. So yes, there are some who do not know how, however I think playing the "I don't know how" card for so long after being told and shown whats needed, then says to me its no longer so much about how they do not know how to, but more about how they do not want to.
> 
> BTW, this is based on those who do not try and put forth some kind of effort. There are people who actually do try, but when you do nothing at all after being told and shown etc, then yes, it probably comes down to them possibly just not wanting to.


I agree with this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

AniversaryFight said:


> Do you and your wife change clothes infront of each other? Do you see her naked body, butt etc Does she see your naked body? if YES, how do you handle seen her naked for all those years?


No



> Do you have any plans for your life?


Work till I drop in the harness.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> No
> 
> 
> 
> Work till I drop in the harness.


 I would recommend to divorce before having sex with any other woman. I would have done that too if I were you. But then since you have no plans for divorce I would like to ask you another question.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR CHEATING IF NOT DONE YET?

Because seriously, you have an EXTREAM SEXLESS MARRIAGE and for you to still keep on hanging you probably have or thinking of backup plan?. I am right?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Plans to cheat? No of course not. I would never.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Plans to cheat? No of course not. I would never.


I never cheat to my wife nor suggest anyone to cheat their spauses even if there are problems. I suggest a breakup or divorce first but for this.... 

18 years in a sexless marriage and NO plans for DIVORCE nor CHEATING???????????. WOW!

I mean you **** have never been in any womans ***** for 18 years?????

No words to describe than just WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Does your wife also do not want a divorce? Has she cheated on you or having plans for cheating? if Not, you guyz are ment to be together. I have never heard that in my life!


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