# Wish I had a lower sex drive



## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I know this topic has been covered a million times but I feel like I need to figure something out because living this way is effecting every aspect of my life. 
I have been married to my wife for 10 years, when we met she wanted sex more than me, now I feel deprived and starving. I love my wife more than anything and am beginning to be very mad at myself for letting this effect me so much. 
It's gotten to the point that it almost ruined our marriage, we actually have a pending divorce but are trying to reconcile. I asked for a divorce because it has been almost constant suffering always wanting a good sex life and knowing that I may never have that again with her. I have 3 kids, 2-9yrs old and pretty much hate myself for hurting them because I can not handle this. 
I do not want to be with anyone else, I want to be with my wife but I start feeling awful after about 4-5 days of not having sex. I let the resentment build up for years and want to figure out how to take complete responsibility for this without being resentful or distancing myself from wife. I can not seem to be able to handle these feelings that build up. I feel completely trapped as I'm not willing to go outside of my marriage to satisfy these desires and I don't want to hurt my family, but I can't seem to be myself, be healthy and happy while feeling the unmet desire.
Without cheating or leaving her, my only option is to handle these feelings and live with them. This is much easier said than done, I get to the point that I have trouble focusing on anything else, get very impatient with my kids and have no motivation to get my work done or follow up with customers. 
I feel like I have racked my brain and tried everything only to end up at the exact same place. I have discussed this openly with her and we go to counseling, she does not want to feel like she must have sex every week and I do not want to make her feel pressured. 
I am 34 she is 32, we are both very attractive. I take care of myself, work out and am athletic. I work for myself and have been able to provide a descent living with my construction business. I also try to help out with the house and kids whenever possible. I also give her plenty of compliments and hugs and kisses every day. 
I try to make as much time as possible for her but we still just don't have that missing link? The few times that we were having frequent sex everything was great and I didn't even think about it, even if there were a couple extended periods that it was lacking. But when it is slow all the time I can't keep the desire from coming up, like a neglected hunger. Is there a way to escape,from this feeling? 
I feel like I've searched and tried everything but am still trapped, everything else in my life is great and I love it but I hate myself for not being able to handle this problem for me and my family.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

So, you haven't really said.... how often do you two have sex?
How is the sex when you have it? Does she enjoy it? Is she into you, do you think? How is the relationship over all. Does she seem happy in the marriage. What's her life like (health, weight, stress level, work load...). I think more info about what is actually going on is needed in order to start getting some helpful feedback rolling here.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

justfabulous said:


> So, you haven't really said.... how often do you two have sex?
> How is the sex when you have it? Does she enjoy it? Is she into you, do you think? How is the relationship over all. Does she seem happy in the marriage. What's her life like (health, weight, stress level, work load...). I think more info about what is actually going on is needed in order to start getting some helpful feedback here.


We have sex a couple times a month, sometimes less. She usually does really enjoy it and get into it when we start. When we first met I could last as long as I wanted and make her orgasm multiple times, now I feel very anxious if it's been more than a week and sometimes will not last as long as I want to but she does seem to enjoy it. 
The relationship overall is good but strained because of the sex issue. She is mostly healthy and in good shape, but she does have high blood pressure, it got very high when pregnant with our 2 yr old and hasn't gone back down yet. The issues started long before that though. 
She is a bit stressed with the kids and household, I have tried to offer suggestions and implement plans to organize things and give the kids a schedule to make things run smoother but she really doesn't like to plan and stick to a schedule. 
From what she has told me, she is satisfied in the marriage. I asked her to go to counseling with me last winter and she refused saying that she was happy with everything and if I wasn't happy I should go and fix myself. That led to me asking for a divorce, felt I had no other choice and it was not healthy for either of us. We mutually decided that we were still deeply in love and wanted to figure out how to be together happily. Me demanding more sex makes her unhappy, so I don't want to expect that from her or resent her not fulfilling that desire.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

So she is not meeting your needs, but it is all just your problem?

If you stopped doing something that's important to her, would that just be her problem?

Serious answer. You've falsely played the divorce card, so you are in a hole. I have done this too so I know what it's like. You are basically at your weakest now- you've told her what you need, she said no, you threatened to leave then didn't. 

My only advice if you are really committed to staying married is to find a way to be happy without her. Anti-depressants can dull your libido, but I think you need more. Get some other stuff going in your life that you look forward to so you are not crushed each week when she's not interested. It can get better. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

You've been married ten years, how many years into the marriage did the sexual dissatisfaction start? How long did you date before marriage? Does she ever initiate sex, or is it always you? Is she playful and flirtatious with you on a regular basis, or is it more like a roommates relationship at this point. Are you actually separated and living apart now? Yeah, I know, so many questions! But its needed to get a better view of what happening so that you can get some truly meaningful feedback. :0)


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> So she is not meeting your needs, but it is all just your problem?
> 
> If you stopped doing something that's important to her, would that just be her problem?
> 
> ...


I appreciate your response, I know that it's a problem that I have and depend on her to be there for me but she feels that we should love each other unconditionally. We have gone back and forth on this and I am certain that she will never get to the point that she sees it the same way as me. I can not depend on her to find a compromise that works for both of us? I have to make the decision on whether I should leave or live with this unmet need. I have decided that it would cause my wife and kids a lot of pain if I left, my kids love having there mom and dad around all the time and my wife was very stressed and hurt when I decided i didn't want to go on like this anymore. Seeing all that pain was really hard and I know that if I didn't have this desire I could save all of them from this pain. This is where I have become very angry at myself for not being able to handle this. I never liked taking any kind of medication but might be willing to try it seeing that I am completely desperate to find a way to be okay and there for my family. 
I agree that I need other hobbies and activities but I have very little free time and like to spend all of it with my family. My wife gets angry or hurt if I don't, she does not have many friends in this state as she is from the other side of the country. I am trying to also support her with making more connections and having stuff outside of the house to do.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

justfabulous said:


> You've been married ten years, how many years into the marriage did the sexual dissatisfaction start? How long did you date before marriage? Does she ever initiate sex, or is it always you? Is she playful and flirtatious with you on a regular basis, or is it more like a roommates relationship at this point. Are you actually separated and living apart now? Yeah, I know, so many questions! But its needed to get a better view of what happening so that you can get some truly meaningful feedback. :0)


It was about 2 years into the marriage that it started, maybe slightly less. We did not date long before getting married, I fell in love with her immediately and still love her and have fun/ laugh with her all the time. She is somewhat playful and flirtatious most of the time when she is not distracted. She does initiate sex once or twice a month and I love when she is feeling the desire, the problem is that I get crazy horny more often then that and don't know what to do with myself, it takes over all of my thoughts. We are still living together although we only sleep in the same bed 2-3 times a week and the kids usually are with us. I think we should have more alone time but that doesn't work very well for her, there is usually some reason that we can not have alone time regularly.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

You have mismatched sex drives, and that is often very difficult to deal with, especially for the spouse with the higher drive. Its a very real problem, and your feelings are entirely valid. Its an issue that causes a lot of people a lot of pain and frustration - and yes, it often leads to divorce. You probably feel rejected and unfulfilled because of it, that's normal under the circumstances - but not the way to go thru life. You want to feel that very intimate connection and bonding with your wife on a regular basis, and you're not getting that need met. 

What I see as the BIGGEST problem in your situation is:_

" *I asked her to go to counseling with me last winter and she refused saying that she was happy with everything and if I wasn't happy I should go and fix myself.* That led to me asking for a divorce, felt I had no other choice and it was not healthy for either of us. We mutually decided that we were still deeply in love and wanted to figure out how to be together happily. Me demanding more sex makes her unhappy, so I don't want to expect that from her or resent her not fulfilling that desire. "_

Very ill considered reaction on her part. Your wife needs to realize that her attitude is not acceptable. You CAN not fix this yourself. That's not possible to do in a healthy way. Any approach you would take to deal with this "yourself", would not be good for you, her, or the marriage. She needs to step up and participate in finding the solution. A married couple's sex life involves both people. Refusing to go to counseling for a (valid) problem that is so significant to you that you are considering divorce is not acceptable. As your wife, she should be substantially more concerned for your happiness and fulfillment and show some genuine interest in a resolution. Its entirely normal and reasonable for a man to want regular sexual relations with his wife. It is nothing deviant by any means. (I think normal frequency according to statistics is about 3 times per week for a married couple). She's the one dropping the ball in failing to fulfill the very reasonable expectation of more frequent intimacy, and worse, really not seeming to care. She needs to be involved in the fix. A marriage counselor would be a very smart next step. I suspect she refuses because she doesn't want to be told that she needs to do anything any differently. But marriage doesn't work that way (not a good marriage, anyway). You are showing concern and love for her by not wanting to pressure her, and therefore making a compromise on your needs, even though its causing you much unhappiness. But from the sounds of things, that isnt reciprocated on her part. She should be showing concern and love for you by meeting your needs more frequently than she is currently doing, even when she doesnt feel like it, out of a desire to make you happy - then you _might_ meet in the middle at a workable compromise. But professional counseling is still the best course I think.

_" my wife was very stressed and hurt when I decided i didn't want to go on like this anymore."_

But you are very stressed and hurt, and she doesnt seem to care. She's got to be willing to give more than that. Asking her to go to counseling isnt unreasonable, in fact, its a very sound approach to what can be a very serious issue in a marriage. Trying to shut down and turn off this natural, normal, healthy drive within yourself is not going to be a workable long term solution, and it sure isnt healthy. You will end up bitter, resentful, angry, completely unfulfilled, and eventually you will once again realize you have no choice but to leave to save your sanity - at which time you may have serious regret for all the good years you have lost. Not saying to just divorce her - just saying you need to work on getting her to counseling, and getting her to realize that this problem does involve her, so you can get guidance in working this out in a healthy way that allows both of you to feel happy, loved, and fulfilled in the marriage. Bottom line is, she's being very selfish and self centered, though she may not even realize it. I have no doubt that she may have real reasons for not wanting sex more often (hormonal, sheer exhaustion, distraction, whatever), but she needs to take more of an interest and concern in what this is doing to you.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

You need to worry about yourself more. Your wife has already told you she is fine. You are not. You need to find a way to be happy. Maybe you won't have all of your fantasies fulfilled, but happy enough.

I understand wanting to be there for your family. I am doing the same thing. But you have to see that she is letting you down. You can't make her do anything, but you can determine your own happiness. Stop worrying about her.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

_"Seeing all that pain was really hard and I know that if I didn't have this desire I could save all of them from this pain. This is where I have become very angry at myself for not being able to handle this. I never liked taking any kind of medication but might be willing to try it seeing that I am completely desperate to find a way to be okay and there for my family. "_

Ohmygoodness. But "this desire" is completely normal and natural. That's like saying "if I didn't have this desire to eat on a somewhat regular basis". You're looking to kill something natural and normal within yourself that is _supposed_ to be there. That's all backwards. Maybe at least go for IC to help you deal with feelings like this: "This is where I have become very angry at myself for not being able to handle this". Because you shouldn't be feeling that anger with yourself over this very normal physical drive. Really. So unhealthy for you. And certainly don't start taking mediation or drugs to try to quash what is a healthy, normal, natural sex drive! Again, that would be so unhealthy! My heart goes out to you  Your best bet is to try to help your wife gain some understanding of all this, and get her into marriage counseling with you. But don't kill off a part of you over this. Maybe you need to go ahead with a separation and tell her you desperately WANT the marriage to work, but you feel that's going to require marriage counseling; get her attention and put the ball in her court. Going to counseling isn't a lot to ask when the fate of a marriage is on the line. If she won't do it, well... I guess that tells you everything you need to know. After all, if she's confident she's doing everything right, and you're the problem, she shouldn't be afraid of what the counselor will say.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I really do appreciate the responses. When we decided to not go through with the divorce she agreed that something was not right with our marriage and that we needed help. We have been in counseling for about a month. Everything has been a lot better but when we start talking about sex, she is still pretty hesitant to be there in a way that would help me not suffer so much with this. She says that she sees me getting agitated and it turns her off. Then I feel more agitated and everything gets worse. 
I do believe her that this agitation is a turn off and don't want her to feel like she needs to do something she doesn't want to do. I have been working very hard at making sure I don't resent her for this but I still feel horrible inside. I am getting angrier at myself and less interested in life. I am hoping that if I keep working at this and we keep going to counseling, something will click. When she wants to have sex a couple nights a week and we are connecting every thing is amazing, I'm just having trouble making it through the rougher times. Wish I could just wait it out but the feeling is overwhelming.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sdc2399 said:


> She is a bit stressed with the kids *and househol*d, I have tried to offer suggestions and implement plans to organize things and give the kids a schedule to make things run smoother but she really doesn't like to plan and stick to a schedule.


i have a maid service come in once a week for $90. The scrub the bathrooms, clean the stove, vacuum, wash the floors, dust, pick up clutter. It frees up many hours of play time where my wife would be doing that low-level crap.

try that...see if she suddenly is less stressed or instead fills her life with something else besides you. THAT will tell you if there is a chance.

She is young, but i still would get her hormones checked. May need a boost.

you could try to augment your sex life with online stuff.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

#1 Kick the kids out of the bed.
The best thing you can give your kids is happily married parents.
#2 She doesn't want a low drive Husband any more than you want a low drive Wife.
She may complain about you asking all the time but she is counting on you to keep it alive.

To answer your question directly there is a medical treatment to lower testosterone. It is used in prostate gland treatment to shrink it and slow the growth of cancers. But, there are serious side effects to low testosterone. You will end up losing lifespan.

MN


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

I think your sex drive is normal. Please don't try to suppress it. If you do, in a few years when your wife hits her sexual high you will end up same place but in a reverse order.
That said, your wife has to understand that the problem is for both of you. Maybe you need a sex therapist that will explain that to her. After all, meeting each other's emotional need should be your mutual goals. Has she read Her Needs His Needs? Have you? 
Goodluck to both of you


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't understand how a man in an otherwise happy marriage could leave his wife and children because he isn't getting enough sex. You do realize you could be alone for the rest of your life having no sex visiting your children on the weekends don't you? I also don't understand how a wife could not try and make her husband happier by having sex with him a few more times a month. It seems like a pretty easy request to me. She should also go to counseling if you asked her to.

I think what happens if that when you haven't gotten sex in a few days you say you start getting short with her and the kids, maybe distant, she probably knows this is because you want to have sex and she starts feeling pressure. This does not make her want to have sex with you again soon. It sounds like you are doing everything else right.

She isn't going to ever have as high of sex drive as you so I always think in these situations the best way to solve them is to compromise. She should increase sex a couple of more times a month and you need to accept that and don't get pouty so she does wants to have sex with you. Of course that's easier said than done.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She likes things the way they are and does not love or care enough about you to do anything to relieve your stress and agitation. You do everything for her, but nothing for yourself. Since you can't lower your sex drive (short of - perhaps - going on antidepressants that have that side effect), you are stuck.

All you can do, IMO, is pursue the 180 (search the site for what that is), work on yourself, distance yourself from her and see what happens. Stop fulfilling her emotional needs and stop creating intimacy. If her needs are disrupted, she may make an effort to meet yours so that you will resume meeting hers.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sdc-

My wife has done about the same thing as yours has. My wife has also refused to see a mc. She said that all they would do is help us find a compromise. So she did her best to compromise with more sex. I was glad she tried but I also felt her resentments build. It wasn't a long term fix.

I made so many mistakes to improve intimacy and it was all a disaster. Nothing fixed it long term.

I like what married but happy said. Stop fulfilling her emotional needs. I promise you, it will hurt you more than her. Find other outlets. I have a crazy work out routine that helps with stress. For the first time in over 20 years, I have friends.

For me, I no longer desire sex. I am no longer grumpy without sex. 

With all my changes, my wife hasn't changed one bit. I no longer expect it to...

As soon as I really let go, my mind gas been more at ease.

we have zero sex now. No sex is better than sex 2X a month. I was going crazy wondering if we were going to have sex and then be disappointed when my wife would fall asleep while putting our 10 year old daughter to bed.I knew she was avoiding sex...I don't think this can ever be fixed. 


Work on yourself.. do the 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> i have a maid service come in once a week for $90. The scrub the bathrooms, clean the stove, vacuum, wash the floors, dust, pick up clutter. It frees up many hours of play time where my wife would be doing that low-level crap.
> 
> try that...see if she suddenly is less stressed or instead fills her life with something else besides you. THAT will tell you if there is a chance.
> 
> ...


I have thought about doing a maid service but not sure it would help and it would be a bit difficult to afford right now. My work is seasonal and I was home a lot last winter, she had a lot of extra time and would spend a lot more time on her computer with online friends than with me. She says that the marriage had already gotten bad at that point and she kind of checked out. 
She went to school and now has a degree as an RN, I think that once she starts working and is out of the house more she might feel a bit more fulfilled and we would be able to afford a maid service. This winter I will try to take care of a lot of the chores that she usually has to do, try to help her not feel like she our maid.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> I think your sex drive is normal. Please don't try to suppress it. If you do, in a few years when your wife hits her sexual high you will end up same place but in a reverse order.
> That said, your wife has to understand that the problem is for both of you. Maybe you need a sex therapist that will explain that to her. After all, meeting each other's emotional need should be your mutual goals. Has she read Her Needs His Needs? Have you?
> Goodluck to both of you


 I have read his needs her needs, I asked my wife to read it as we'll thinking that if we understood what we both counted on our partners for and could work to give each other a fulfilling relationship, we could find a place that is healthy and good for both of us. I am hoping that we do get to that point sooner than later, but right now I am trying to figure out how to handle this myself without being angry or doing something that would be hurtful. I think that she realizes that sex is important to me but she can't commit to making that happen at the frequency that I need to avoid feeling very anxious and frustrated. I would like to just be okay with not having sex a couple times a week but I get filled with anxiety and urges. It also scares me that I think about being with other girls when this happens even though I know that I want this just with my wife, if I ever strayed and ruined our relationship I would never forgive myself but the thoughts still manage to make it into my head.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I don't understand how a man in an otherwise happy marriage could leave his wife and children because he isn't getting enough sex. You do realize you could be alone for the rest of your life having no sex visiting your children on the weekends don't you? I also don't understand how a wife could not try and make her husband happier by having sex with him a few more times a month. It seems like a pretty easy request to me. She should also go to counseling if you asked her to.
> 
> I think what happens if that when you haven't gotten sex in a few days you say you start getting short with her and the kids, maybe distant, she probably knows this is because you want to have sex and she starts feeling pressure. This does not make her want to have sex with you again soon. It sounds like you are doing everything else right.
> 
> She isn't going to ever have as high of sex drive as you so I always think in these situations the best way to solve them is to compromise. She should increase sex a couple of more times a month and you need to accept that and don't get pouty so she does wants to have sex with you. Of course that's easier said than done.


Your first sentence sums up exactly what I am trying to understand! When we are regularly having sex I think that I could easily make it through some slow patches and just be happy that my family is together and we'll. the problem is that during these times of having great desire and not being able to quench it, I feel an awful desperation. I am completely trapped, I want to just live with it or ignore it but it is stronger than me. Life gets almost unbearable. I am not a dramatic person or high maintenance, I am very self sufficient and take care of everything for myself without asking anyone for help. This seems to be the one thing that I need, a loving intimate relationship. 
I wish I could explain it, it doesn't make sense to me though and I can't. I started doing counseling on my own too in hopes of resolving anything inside of me that may be causing the feelings to be so strong and will continue to see if I can make some changes in how I am wired. 
This is why I am considering going on medication, I am really not okay with the fact that I would let this hurt my wife and kids and feel that I need to do anything possible to prevent that. Maybe that could help be okay with things the way they are until things change a bit?


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Trickster said:


> sdc-
> 
> My wife has done about the same thing as yours has. My wife has also refused to see a mc. She said that all they would do is help us find a compromise. So she did her best to compromise with more sex. I was glad she tried but I also felt her resentments build. It wasn't a long term fix.
> 
> ...


This response has definitely sparked my interest! How did you get to the point that you no longer desire sex!? It no longer effects you when your sexual desires are not fulfilled or you don't have the desires in the first place? I want so bad to just love and be happy with my wife without feeling deprived. I want to feel okay knowing that sex is not always available without trying to figure out how to seek it. Feels like I have a perfect life, wife and kids but I'm making myself and everyone else miserable because my body and mind is continually seeking and striving for what it can not have.
Where you able to get to this point without medication? Please give me some more help if you can? I want to know that it is possible to be okay and happy and still function without having this desire fulfilled!


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> She is young, but i still would get her hormones checked. May need a boost.


Absolutely, get them checked. Age actually has little to do with hormonal disorders in women. Many women are plagued by hormonal imbalances from the time the hit puberty. Much more common than people realize. It can start in the teenage years, and definitely very common in 20s and 30s. There are SO many hormonal disorders in women that can affect sex drive, from issues with the adrenal glands, to PCOS, and more. And for many women, these hormonal imbalances go undiagnosed for years. A routine blood test to check her sex hormone levels is a good idea.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Mr. Nail;10545330
To answer your question directly there is a medical treatment to lower testosterone. It is used in prostate gland treatment to shrink it and slow the growth of cancers. But said:


> You definitely don't ever want to intentionally do anything to lower hormone levels which are in normal ranges (unless advised by a Dr to do so for some sound medical reason). To maintain proper health, hormones need to be kept in balance and within in normal ranges. One hormone affects another - when one falls out of range it will often set off a chain reaction. When hormone levels fall above or below normal ranges, health issues ensue. Not something to play around with. Your desire and sex drive is healthy and normal, in no way deviant - certainly don't intentionally do something that would compromise your health as a way to deal with this situation. Like I said before, that's totally backwards!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sdc2399 said:


> This response has definitely sparked my interest! How did you get to the point that you no longer desire sex!? It no longer effects you when your sexual desires are not fulfilled or you don't have the desires in the first place? I want so bad to just love and be happy with my wife without feeling deprived. I want to feel okay knowing that sex is not always available without trying to figure out how to seek it. Feels like I have a perfect life, wife and kids but I'm making myself and everyone else miserable because my body and mind is continually seeking and striving for what it can not have.
> Where you able to get to this point without medication? Please give me some more help if you can? I want to know that it is possible to be okay and happy and still function without having this desire fulfilled!




If you were to read my threads over this past year, you would assume that I lost my mind.I do regret that I deleted my threads....

To keep a very long story short... For 17 years my wife and I had sex 3X a month... I masterbated about 3X a week... My wife knew that I did and she would watch TV while I took care of myself. It never botherd her...

About 4 years ago, it all changed. I started exercising and working out a lot. I became aggressive and sex increased to 3-4 times a week and my wife complied... I stopped relieving myself. I knew she resented that much sex. Around that time, I fell off the wagon after 17 years of sobriety....I didn't drink to oblivion or anything. Just several shots of whiskey to numb my feelings and to decrease my libido. At least on the days I was drinking. My wife knew when I wasn't drinking..sex was on! She wanted me to drink... She even laughed when I wanted to go back to AA telling me that I wasn't an alcoholic because I still worked, I wasn't mean, I didn't get stumbling drunk...

My wife is truly LD... I knew this 22 years ago. I loved her. She was a virgin at 25... I just thought her sexuality would grow over time. That never happened... Now we are 47 and in this pickle of a mess where she is fine if I have sex outside of marriage. That makes me out to be a creep when I think about it...

Believe me, I have desire... I wake up most mornings with a woody....For now, I relieve myself.....

The thing is, without mutually satisfying sex, resentment builds. Even when we were having regular sex and she didn't want or desire any foreplay. She just wanted it over with. She didn't even care if she had hers. I could of easily go for round 2. She didn't want to..

I also make myself miserable... Or I did... I don't know if I am OK or not at this point. For the short term, sex is not on my radar...

I work out like a maniac now. I run several times a week. During September, I ran/walked over 200 miles... I no longer drink whisky. I have hobby's, I volunteer at an animal shelter, I play in my flower bed, I work longer hours, and I have friends now...I was even invited to the Symphony without my wife. I never though I would go there. My emotional needs are being met elsewhere...

My wife was my best friend...WAS......

sdc-

For me. Its not just the sex I was after... I wanted all the passion, romance, foreplay that comes with that...I hoped that when I increased the quantity of sex, the love and passion, and quality would follow... It was a stupid idea that backfired...All the "tricks" in the world didn't help...

Sorry... This post was way longer than I intended...and it probably didn't help all that much....

Bottom line...what helped me? I gave up seeking sex with my wife


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I was going to say what trickster did. I'm at a similar point with my DH. After decades pass without feeling wanted strange things start to happen. You can still love a person but the thought of having sex with them becomes no longer a desire but a weight and a source of anxiety. 

When my DH approaches me for sex I feel anxiety now, not desire. It comes from decades of rejection and resentment. My birthday was recently and he tried to give me bday sex and none of me wanted to take him up on it. The wall was built over time, we built it together because I let the resentment grow and only tried to talk to him about it when I hit an overflow. 

I still want sex, just not with him because I know how it's going to go. It's going to make me feel worse and then he won't think about it again for at least 10 days. 

Your choices are correct. You can divorce and find a more suitable partner. You can have an affair. You can accept the situation and deal with it the best you able. Hey, guess what? They are all not great options.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> She likes things the way they are and does not love or care enough about you to do anything to relieve your stress and agitation. You do everything for her, but nothing for yourself. Since you can't lower your sex drive (short of - perhaps - going on antidepressants that have that side effect), you are stuck. All you can do, IMO, is pursue the 180 (search the site for what that is), work on yourself, distance yourself from her and see what happens. Stop fulfilling her emotional needs and stop creating intimacy. If her needs are disrupted, she may make an effort to meet yours so that you will resume meeting hers.



That's good advice. Like Married but Happy stated, look into the 180 (search this site) and implement it. Some men in your situation get good results with that approach, but moreover, its not an unhealthy approach (like trying to shut down a natural, normal, healthy part of you), but rather would have positive and healthy benefits for you.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Trickster said:


> If you were to read my threads over this past year, you would assume that I lost my mind.I do regret that I deleted my threads....
> 
> To keep a very long story short... For 17 years my wife and I had sex 3X a month... I masterbated about 3X a week... My wife knew that I did and she would watch TV while I took care of myself. It never botherd her...
> 
> ...


I really appreciate you taking the time to give me an honest response. Seeing that others have felt the same way as me is a relief, I feel less screwed up in the head, lol. 
This has already been a long journey for me, when it started 8 yrs ago I lost a lot of self esteem, I had never before in my life felt so undesired and unworthy. I started working out because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me. This is one good thing that came from it as I fell in love with lifting weights and that is usually my one escape during the day where I feel okay for a bit. 
We do occasionally have sex where she is feeling desire and really wants me but it does not happen very often and I feel awful that we do not constantly have desire for each other as we used to, or even close. 
I know that having hobbies and other friends is important and would help, the problem is that we have 3 kids, my wife stays at home and I work like crazy trying to keep my business running and make enough for all of our expenses. At this point I'm realizing that my mental health is more important than money and if I continue living just to work I will lose everything. It's also part of the problem, I work high stress job and want so bad to come home and feel loved, desired and validated. Instead I deal with issues that are higher stress than my work, in the past I blamed this on my wife, now I am trying to hold it in as my own issue knowing that only I am going to be able to resolve it. 
It's been years and I got to the point that it felt so unhealthy, I started working longer hours and stopped asking to fix the problem, we drifted further apart and talked less and less. This was the point that I was absolutely sure that the problem couldn't be fixed and a divorce would be better for both of us. 
When I asked for a divorce, she was incredibly hurt, my 9 yr old son started having behavioral problems worse than ever and even my 2 yr old was effected. She would try to find ways to get me and my wife together because she just wanted to snuggle with both of us. At this point I realized that I could not cause everyone so much pain just because I wasn't getting something that I wanted. I was so angry at myself and started having very real feelings of ending everything and removing myself from this problem. I still am struggling with these feelings but the idea of not being there for my wife and kids if they need me has kept me from taking drastic measures as of now. I imagine there pain if I left and it keeps me holding on. 
I will try everything to be okay and be a good father and husband but it really feels like this problem is stronger and bigger than me. Considering all of my options, and none of them being good options, I may try to go on an antidepressant and see if that can buy me some time to figure this out without losing everything. Like I said, everything else in my life is perfect, I'm just seeking what I can't get and failing to keep it from taking over.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

First, disregard anyone who says that they could not imagine why someone would think about divorce from lack of sex. They have clearly never been in your position. Your feelings are completely understandable. You have committed yourself to another person for life and that person is simply not very interested in you. It is easy to see how this creates feelings of self doubt and despondency. 

Second, you really do sound depressed. You would probably benefit from seeing a therapist and seeing what he/she recommends regarding meds even aprt from the side effects on libido. 

Finally, consider how sad it is that your wife cares so little for you that she can't be bothered to do anything to meet you halfway here. Is she really worth all of this mental anguish? At what point do you stop allowing her to control how you perceive yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> First, disregard anyone who says that they could not imagine why someone would think about divorce from lack of sex. They have clearly never been in your position. Your feelings are completely understandable. You have committed yourself to another person for life and that person is simply not very interested in you.
> 
> Finally, consider how sad it is that your wife cares so little for you that she can't be bothered to do anything to meet you halfway here. Is she really worth all of this mental anguish? At what point do you stop allowing her to control how you perceive yourself?


This.

I sympathize as someone going through the same thing. As others have written, your very natural sex drive and your normal and noble desire to have an intimate, passionate and monogamous relationship with your wife are NOT the problem. There are probably things you could do to improve yourself and your state of mind, but voluntarily cutting 'em off isn't one of them. As Trickster wrote, working out and finding some hobbies/friends is a good start. She may respond to this in a very positive way, as she'll notice your attractiveness and happiness increase and worry that another woman may steal you away - or at least she'll see that you're no longer emotionally dependent on her.

Be warned that it may not work. As other here could tell you, also be warned that the current pattern you're in can get a lot worse. I thought things were intolerable when 1-2 times per month were the norm. That frequency would be a huge improvement now. Is she worth all of this anguish? Only you can answer that. You do need to ask yourself the question.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

sdc2399 said:


> I really appreciate you taking the time to give me an honest response. Seeing that others have felt the same way as me is a relief, I feel less screwed up in the head, lol.
> This has already been a long journey for me, when it started 8 yrs ago I lost a lot of self esteem, I had never before in my life felt so undesired and unworthy. I started working out because I thought maybe she wasn't attracted to me. This is one good thing that came from it as I fell in love with lifting weights and that is usually my one escape during the day where I feel okay for a bit.
> We do occasionally have sex where she is feeling desire and really wants me but it does not happen very often and I feel awful that we do not constantly have desire for each other as we used to, or even close.
> I know that having hobbies and other friends is important and would help, the problem is that we have 3 kids, my wife stays at home and I work like crazy trying to keep my business running and make enough for all of our expenses. At this point I'm realizing that my mental health is more important than money and if I continue living just to work I will lose everything. It's also part of the problem, I work high stress job and want so bad to come home and feel loved, desired and validated. Instead I deal with issues that are higher stress than my work, in the past I blamed this on my wife, now I am trying to hold it in as my own issue knowing that only I am going to be able to resolve it.
> ...


I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts when you're writing as I'm in almost exactly the same situation. I also took a lot of comfort from Tricksters posts - much appreciated.

A couple of things you said have really jumped out at me though - "I was so angry at myself and started having very real feelings of ending everything and removing myself from this problem". The only healthy response to this is to strongly suggest that you seek professional help. Your mental health is as important as your physical health, perhaps more so. If you had symptoms of poor cardiovascular health you would see your doctor who would refer you to a heart specialist for treatment to make you healthy. You are displaying symptoms of poor neurological health and you really should seek the appropriate help and treatment from a specialist. If you do nothing else, do this!!!! This is the best thing you can do for you and your family.

And do keep in mind that you're not alone and that there's absolutely nothing unnatural or "wrong" with how you feel.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> First, disregard anyone who says that they could not imagine why someone would think about divorce from lack of sex. They have clearly never been in your position. Your feelings are completely understandable. You have committed yourself to another person for life and that person is simply not very interested in you. It is easy to see how this creates feelings of self doubt and despondency.
> 
> Second, you really do sound depressed. You would probably benefit from seeing a therapist and seeing what he/she recommends regarding meds even aprt from the side effects on libido.
> 
> ...



The bolded part is what most of us HD me who are married to LD wife wonder... I can understand being LD or no drive. It get that. My beef is that our wives do nothing to see if there is any health related issues, they refuse going to a MC, and refuse to read any books on marriage. That could be true for LD men as well.

I would want to believe that if any of us lost our libido, we would sprint as fast as I could to the doctor to get viagra or anything to help. I would research alternative/herbal anything!!!! 

Why is is so difficult for our wives to do the same? 

I am not sure if it is because our spouses care so little? Maybe they just don't have that same desire, craving, hunger for intimacy and sex. They don't know no matter how offer we tell them.

For me, even when we have regular sex, the affection is still missing... The desire for that is also not there for the LD partner.

sdc- is your wife affectionate with you?

Is she affectionate with your children?


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Thank you again for the responses, I feel better knowing I'm not the only one in this difficult situation.
I do not think I am truly depressed because I have such a positive outlook on life and a lot of drive when I am not struggling with this. It's only this aspect of my life that I feel very alone and hopeless. I do think very logically and do not think that leaving the problem behind is a good option, although maybe the easiest. I think that leaving in any way, divorce or suicide, would leave them hurt and confused. Finding a way to quench my desire outside of the marriage would also leave all of them very hurt. There are certain times where the situation feels very unbearable and that does scare me a little bit. I am going to counseling for myself every couple weeks, I have not told my counselor everything because I do fear that it could impact the child custody if we did divorce. I also don't want to alarm or worry anybody more than necessary, most of the time I am fine. 
I never liked the idea of taking any medications especially antidepressants but if there is no good option, that may be the least hurtful. I just want to be able to tolerate the low sex marriage and be there for everyone. I really don't care about much else at this point because it feels like I would be lucky just to get to the point that I can handle this without my desire causing me to try to escape the situation.
I really do believe that my wife does care and wants me to be happy, she is not okay with doing something when she doesn't want to do it. That is why I am trying to handle this. I want to be with her and our children. I want to suffer and feel hurt as little as possible, I don't choose to feel so horrible but am in a situation where on many occasions I do. My mind and body want to escape the situation but any way out would contradict my desire to be with my wife and children without hurting them. The problem is my desire, part of me. I no longer like this part of me because it is causing tons of suffering and wish I could be someone else right now. Who I am is causing pain to the people that I love. I want to love myself but am so angry for not handling this. If I didn't have this sexual drive and desire, I could accept myself and be okay with who I am again. If I don't change myself I will eventually ruin it all.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

sdc2399 said:


> I do not think I am truly depressed because I have such a positive outlook on life and a lot of drive when I am not struggling with this.... There are certain times where the situation feels very unbearable and that does scare me a little bit. I am going to counseling for myself every couple weeks, I have not told my counselor everything because I do fear that it could impact the child custody if we did divorce. I also don't want to alarm or worry anybody more than necessary, most of the time I am fine.



You say you don't believe you are suffering from depression, however, you are having thoughts of suicide. I'm not sure if you realize how contradictory that statement is. YES, you are depressed if you are having any sort of suicidal thoughts. Thank Heaven you have been able to reason your way away from acting on it, thus far, but you are nonetheless thinking about it and that = depression. 

I think you won't really get what you need from counseling if you are holding back and not telling the counselor certain key things. I think its prudent of you to be thinking ahead to what may impact you regarding custody in the case of divorce, however, to my knowledge anything you tell a counselor is confidential and would not be admissible in a divorce/custody case. Just as what you tell a doctor or lawyer would never be admissible. I've never been in counseling so perhaps someone else could speak to this to confirm what I'm saying, but I would assume what you say to a counselor would be protected as confidential in the same way as what you say to a doctor.

It still seems very unhealthy to me for you to say things like this:

_ "The problem is my desire, part of me. I no longer like this part of me because it is causing tons of suffering and wish I could be someone else right now. Who I am is causing pain to the people that I love. I want to love myself but am so angry for not handling this. If I didn't have this sexual drive and desire, I could accept myself and be okay with who I am again. If I don't change myself I will eventually ruin it all.
_

You are starting to hate yourself for something that is a very natural, normal, healthy part of you. YOU are not the one with this issue in this situation - your wife is. And yet you are the one feeling the need to change, and you are becoming angry with yourself for something so normal. Again, statistically, married couples have sex 3 times per week. If your wife will only be intimate with you twice per month, she is not within the range of what is considered normal. SHE has the problem given that her drive is much lower than what is statistically viewed as normal. 

Yet you are the one carrying all this extreme pain, verging on self hatred and suicidal thoughts, feeling like you have to do all the work to change. I'm not sure if you understand the magnitude of just how unbalanced and unhealthy this is. 

You talk about yourself, almost with self loathing, as if you have a destructive, unhealthy addiction tantamount to a drug addiction or alcoholism. And yet, this "weakness" within you which is causing you such angst isn't a weakness at all, but a very natural, normal, healthy level of sexual interest for a man of your age towards his wife. You are carrying WAY to much of the burden in this situation. Its very unhealthy and I suspect is ultimately going to be very damaging to you. 

You say your wife's position is that she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. But in a good marriage, a healthy marriage, spouses ARE expected to do what is necessary to take care of each other's needs, and that includes sexual needs, within reason of course. And there is nothing unreasonable about what you want - you aren't asking or expecting her to do anything unusual, unhealthy, or deviant. I guess the real question here is, why is your wife so unwilling to do her part to take care of her husband's needs, provide him with fulfillment, and make him feel happy and secure? I love my husband. Sometimes he asks me to make him something for dinner that will take more effort than what I really feel like doing. I do it anyway because I love him, care about his wants and needs, and I want to make him happy. Sometimes he's stressed and asks me to give him a back massage, but I'm exhausted and I really don't feel like it. But I do it anyway because his needs are important to me and I care about him. And he does things like this for me when he doesn't feel like it. And it works the same with taking care of each other's needs for sexual intimacy. This is what it is to have someone in your life who loves you. 

It would be another matter if your complaint was that she'll only do it 2 or 3 times a week, and you want it more than once each day. At that point, she is providing you with a reasonable amount of intimacy - maybe not as much as you like, but what she's doing is reasonable by normal standards. But she's really falling short by normal standards, and she doesnt seem to care. 

Perhaps what your wife really needs is some enlightenment with regard to what sex really means to a man, and what withholding sex from one's husband does to him. So many women do not understand this. Perhaps someone else here could recommend some good articles on the matter. In the meantime, try an internet search for what sex means to a man, and perhaps you'll find some material that you can ask her to read to help her understand. Maybe she really has no idea how this is hurting you and impacting you. If she understood, maybe she would take considerably more interest in making this right for you.( I would certainly HOPE so).

Its very commendable that you are so concerned about the hurt your would cause your wife and kids by divorcing. I'm not encouraging you to divorce, but rather, to make sure you're not being the only one in the relationship to do the work, make the concessions and changes, while she sails on doing whatever works for her. Because that is very unbalanced, unhealthy, and not how marriage is supposed to work. And its not sustainable. It will all back fire eventually. 

Lastly, about these suicidal thoughts - your kids will be much better off growing up with 2 divorced parents than growing up knowing their father killed himself. If you want to screw them up, that'll certainly do it. Divorce isn't always terrible for kids. My parents divorced when I was 4. I grew up fine, I am fine, I had a happy childhood. But to grow up and go through life knowing your parent killed himself - that's a sure way to screw a kid up badly and give them lifelong issues. 

I think you need to get into much more detail with your counselor to really work through this. In the meantime, keep posting here if it helps to talk. There are so many people here with such a wide range of experiences and its very helpful to hear a variety of view points..


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

sdc,
I am wondering if part of the issue may be the pure mechanics of how you initiate sex. I'm wondering if you are looking for "that perfect moment" when she would be "in the mood" and then maybe you "flirt and hint around".

Would you please answer a few questions, with as much detail as possible:

1) how exactly do you initiate sex? (your exact words/actions; whats the context, particular day of week, time of day, room/place. etc)

2) how exactly does your wife respond (what does she say/do)?

3) how exactly do you react to her reaction?

4) how OFTEN do you initiate sex?

Talk us through a typical cycle of initiation/rejection, providing as much detail as possible.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I think I will talk a little more with my therapist and let her know everything. It's a bit difficult because I had started seeing her years ago when me and my wife started having marital issues with sex and intimacy. We saw a therapist together and she had us do individual counseling. I dealt with a lot of issues including handling the stress from my work while still being there as a father and husband the way they need me. I also dealt with a lot of issues from my childhood that caused unrealistic fears, I was actually diagnosed with PTSD which she noticed right away due to an exaggerated physiological response to situations that I perceived as threatening. I did 2-3 years of counseling and now handle my work and a lot of fears in a completely different way, I really can't even make myself feel the stress I used to if I try. The therapist often commented on how impressed she was that I could stay mindful throughout the day and deal with the issues, etc. she eventually told me that She did not feel that I needed sessions with her and to come back if issues came up that I needed help with. I honestly do feel like I'm disappointing her with the realization that I'm probably in a worse place now than when I first started seeing her. 
I know that is a horrible reason not to bring it up, probably really don't want to admit to myself that I don't have complete control of my feelings too. Most of the time I am completely fine mad know I'm going to be fine, it's usually very strong feelings that come up for a very short period of time when my situation feels hopeless and I feel trapped. 
I have tried to make my wife realize how I am actually feeling and how hard it is to go through days like that when we haven't had sex in a while. She gets very defensive and I do not think that she will ever understand or that I should expect her to. After I have sex and at times that we are having more frequent sex I forget very fast how strong these feelings are and think that I can handle them, it's only when I'm actually living through the difficult times that I truly understand again how difficult it is to be myself through this. The only way she would understand or believe how important it is would be if she could actually be there feeling it with no escape. I have finally stopped trying to make her understand, it is exhausting, frustrating and causes too much resentment. 
I know my wife loves and cares for me, she shows it in many other ways. She does have her faults but I chose her to marry and be with and love her regardless. That really does leave this as my problem for the moment and I am very determined to figure out how to make it work. I spent years feeling anger and resentment, expecting her to fix the problem and it only made things worse. I really am too tired to cause anymore pain and just want to be happy with my wife again.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

tommyr said:


> sdc,
> I am wondering if part of the issue may be the pure mechanics of how you initiate sex. I'm wondering if you are looking for "that perfect moment" when she would be "in the mood" and then maybe you "flirt and hint around".
> 
> Would you please answer a few questions, with as much detail as possible:
> ...


1) I do not initiate as much because of the rejection in the past, I always give my wife hugs and kisses throughout the day, grab her butt, kiss her neck, tell her how sexy I think she is etc. I will sometimes ask her if we can have some alone time to let her know I am thinking about it. I try not to make her feel pressured, just put it in her mind that I am ready so that if she gets a chance and feels like it she can let me know that it's time.
2) if I ask outright, her response is often a reason that we can't do it right now or letting me know that we'll find time in the future. Sometimes she will give a positive reaction and we will do it.
3) I try to react positively when there is a reason that we can't. Okay, then give her a kiss, tell her I love her, a little rub on the shoulders. I try to let her know that I love her and understand that it can't always happen when I want it. Sometimes I feel extremely disappointed and deflated inside but I try not to put this on her. I often feel a lot of anxiety because I don't know when it will happen again or how long I'll be feeling the hunger and suffering. 
4) I will give her hints to let her know that I am thinking about sex 3-4 days after we have last had sex, then continue until we have sex again. I don't push it or make it my only interaction with her, just maybe when I'm giving her a hug I'll hold her body a bit loser to me, grab her butt a little, kiss her neck a bit more, etc.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Houston, we have a problem.
sdc, please do not take this personally. I only trying to help. So I will be completely blunt and just tell you the truth without sugar coating.

Your approach to sex is way to passive.
Let me say that again, louder, so you might hear me:
WAAAAYYYYYYY TOOOOOOO PASSIVE.
Let's review your response and see what I mean:



sdc2399 said:


> 1) I do not initiate as much because of the rejection in the past,


If YOU don't initiate, then don't expect sex. If YOU want sex, then YOU need to initiate. Forget about past rejection. That's irrelevant. Keep reading....



sdc2399 said:


> I always give my wife hugs and kisses throughout the day, grab her butt, kiss her neck, tell her how sexy I think she is etc.


fine, nothing wrong with this.




sdc2399 said:


> I will sometimes ask her if we can have some alone time to let her know I am thinking about it.


Nothing wrong with some advance notice...




sdc2399 said:


> I try not to make her feel pressured, just put it in her mind that I am ready so that if she gets a chance and feels like it she can let me know that it's time.


STOP. Right here. Major problem above.^^^^^^^^^^^
She is LD. Got that? She will NEVER get a chance.
She will NEVER feel like it.
YOU need to take the initiative.



sdc2399 said:


> 2) if I ask outright, her response is often a reason that we can't do it right now or letting me know that we'll find time in the future. Sometimes she will give a positive reaction and we will do it.


Well of COURSE you are being "outright". You MUST be outright. You can NOT be "subtle" dealing with an LD.

Actually her response here is great news. She is NOT actually rejecting you. She's just saying "not right now but soon". This is your opening, don't blow it. Ask her immediately "when is this better time?" and nail this specific day/time down. Then, when the designated moment comes, YOU must initiate. Do NOT expect her to remember. Approach her with excitement and anticipation and let her know the agreed "better" time has arrived and proceed along with the full expectation this she is coming along for the ride even if she is slow to head in that direction. 





sdc2399 said:


> 3) I try to react positively when there is a reason that we can't. Okay, then give her a kiss, tell her I love her, a little rub on the shoulders. I try to let her know that I love her and understand that it can't always happen when I want it. Sometimes I feel extremely disappointed and deflated inside but I try not to put this on her. I often feel a lot of anxiety because I don't know when it will happen again or how long I'll be feeling the hunger and suffering.


 Fine you can't expect that every time you initiate will bring immediate YES. But the fact she's not saying NO is great, instead of YES she says NOT NOW. You must convert this into a specific day/time in the near future, then followup on it with passion.




sdc2399 said:


> 4) I will give her hints to let her know that I am thinking about sex 3-4 days after we have last had sex, then continue until we have sex again. I don't push it or make it my only interaction with her, just maybe when I'm giving her a hug I'll hold her body a bit loser to me, grab her butt a little, kiss her neck a bit more, etc.


You have a LD wife. "Hints" are completely useless with an LD. You are either going to be clearly INITIATING SEX, or your aren't. Forget about "hints". When it comes to initiating sex with an LD, you must follow the wisdom of Yoda:

Do, or Do Not. There is no Try.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Thanks for the response Tomyr

I could be less passive, the problem is that I want her to desire me and want to be with me. When I pressure her, she stresses about it and is not turned on. If I wait until she wants it, she enjoys it more and I want her to enjoy that with me. I would be fine if I didn't want it that much. If I outright ask, she will sometimes comply but feel resentment. I would rather be okay with just having sex when she wants, but my sex drive gets out of control, I feel anxious and I start feeling the need and desire to have sex. I do not feel satisfied with my relationship when this happens and I start doubting my willpower to stay married or stay faithful. I know that I love my wife, want to be with only her, and do not want to hurt my family so it is very troubling that I get so desperate that these thoughts are in my mind. 
I am going to try to speak with my therapist about possibly going on anti-due presents that will help with the anxiety and drive. I don't like the idea but feel pretty stuck and very afraid that I'll hurt my family again. Willing to try anything at this point.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sdc-

Does your wife know that you are thinking about going on anti depressants?

If she does, what are her thoughts?

At this point, if your wife complied with sex 3-4 times a week to prevent a divorce and not have you take anti depressants, would that fix everything?

You did mention resentments building when that happened..


I feel you are after more than sex. 

My wife complied as well and resentments built for both of us too.


We went about six weeks without sex or any affection. Nothing.

My wife didn't blink. She wasn't angry, wasn't frustrated, wasn't depressed in any way. She was cheerful, happy, laughed a lot... The lack of sex and affection had zero impact on her...I even stopped doing all the little things. I even stopped doing her laundry when I did mine. When she washed her clothes, she washed mine as well...she didn't respond to my behavior or sadness at all.


So...

I was about to explode... Our daughter was away for the evening and let her know before hand what i wanted...No foreplay, no real build up. I think it was awesome for both of us...

sdc-

Does you wife enjoy non sexual affection?

I don't think anti depressants will solve anything.

P.S. Sorry... Just some random thoughts...


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

sdc2399 said:


> I could be less passive, the problem is that I want her to desire me and want to be with me.


She sounds LD (low desire) so you are actually being unfair to her if expecting her to have sexual desire. You would be much better off focusing not on her level of desire, but on actually having sex at a normal frequency. Many LD women experience "responsive desire" which means they gain sexual desire while having sex.



sdc2399 said:


> When I pressure her, she stresses about it and is not turned on. If I wait until she wants it, she enjoys it more and I want her to enjoy that with me.


You are NOT *pressuring* her to want a normal sexual frequency. She (will almost) *never* want it. This is exactly the problem and you MUST solve it right now! Talk to your wife, something along these lines:

_Our marriage has reached a point of near ruin but I really do love you and want us both to fight for our marriage, even though (at times) it will feel like we are fighting against each other. Here is my perspective on our main problem and how to solve it. We both have been miserable over resentments cause by a cruel imbalance in sexual desire and generally poor communication about sex. One thing that makes our sexlife so unhappy for both of us is that neither side knows what to expect. So I propose right now we just agree on a regular sexual frequency of twice per week. I will do all the initiating, and if I pick a bad time that is fine, I won't get mad and run away, instead we will agree on a good time to have sex either later or the next day._

Now pause and listen. She will agree to this basic approach. Why? Because she loves you (right?) and this is a completely reasonable solution. If 2X per week isn't the right number, then negotiate to a mutually agreeable sex frequency. By having this specific agreement, it eliminates the "pressure" (that you mentioned) because both sides know exactly what to expect and have (in advance) fully "signed up" for it. Also you have eliminated more pressure from her by YOU doing all the initiating. Lastly, you've established a rejection-free way to handle those times when you initiate but she isn't immediately up for it. Pure mechanics? Yes, but it's amazing how this simple thing has saved my marriage.

I will also mention that above, what you are doing is *fighting* for your wife and marriage. She will notice this and it will actually build her desire for you... (just don't get TOO excited, she is still LD!!)



sdc2399 said:


> I would be fine if I didn't want it that much.


No, actually you would NOT be fine. Your sex drive is completely normal and you can not (and should not) fight against it. That's a losing battle that will always end in resentment.



sdc2399 said:


> If I outright ask, she will sometimes comply but feel resentment.


Yes you must outright ask. That's exactly the point! And NO she will NOT feel resentment, because she loves you (right?) and she wants to have a happy marriage together, and this means a normal sexual relationship.




sdc2399 said:


> I would rather be okay with just having sex when she wants, but my sex drive gets out of control, I feel anxious and I start feeling the need and desire to have sex. I do not feel satisfied with my relationship when this happens and I start doubting my willpower to stay married or stay faithful. I know that I love my wife, want to be with only her, and do not want to hurt my family so it is very troubling that I get so desperate that these thoughts are in my mind.


Your sexual thoughts are 100% normal. Do not feel guilt over sex urges for your wife. This is a gift from god and you cannot overcome this power.




sdc2399 said:


> I am going to try to speak with my therapist about possibly going on anti-due presents that will help with the anxiety and drive. I don't like the idea but feel pretty stuck and very afraid that I'll hurt my family again. Willing to try anything at this point.


Dude THIS is CRAZY talk. Did you see that other thread with the guy who thought castration was the answer to his sexless marriage? Can we agree that HE is insane? Well YOU are sounding just as crazy right here. Pull yourself together man. 

FIGHT for your wife. Take my advice above. It worked for me. What do you have to lose?


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Thanks again for the above advice. I'm starting to think that the problem goes deeper than sex. I feel guilty when I have needs and don't like to ask that they are fulfilled. My sexual drive is very high and I am left with zero options. I am trying to feel loved without having sex but she seems to be opposed to putting effort in to making time to even lay next to me or give me her attention.
I'm feeling very discouraged this morning and a bit confused as to how I can get my own needs fulfilled in a healthy way without hurting anyone. I spent the week trying to help my wife out in anyway possible because it was a difficult week for her. Yesterday consisted of me going to work for 10 hrs, coming home and taking care of the kids, helping clean the house and getting dinner. My wife was very stressed with her school work and crying, yelling at the kids when they went in the office. I wanted to help in any way possible because I don't like to see her stressed. I kept the kids out and tried to keep the house quiet. 
The only thing that bothers me about this is the realization that when I am overwhelmed and stressed with work, I am not offered a helping hand and I try not to burden her because she reacts very badly to it. I feel guilty for putting any extra stress on her or asking that she keeps the house quiet or kids out because she has complained about this in the past. It is very difficult for me to find a balance where I am putting enough time into my business to support the family but still spend a lot of time with my family and give my wife enough help that she is not overwhelmed.
When my wife finished last night she was appreciative and thanked me for helping out. I was going to bed and she said she would be in bed in a few, this is where I felt the disconnect. When she came to bed, she had our 2 yr old in between us playing her iPad and she stayed on her phone playing game of war and texting her friends from the game. I would have been happy if she would have just put the toddler on her other side and made physical contact with me while she played. I was not looking for sex or expecting it, I do need some form of physical contact and to know that I am a priority to my wife everyday. It bothers me that she would rather spend time with her gaming friends when I need her. 
I also feel trapped because she gets mad or jealous when I spend time with my friends instead of family but my need to feel important and valid are not met with her and are usually met better with my friends that I very seldom see. She makes it seem like I am choosing them over her but I do not feel good about myself when I am with her on many occasions due to how we interact and how my needs are no longer important to her, just a burden.
I know this post is just a rant and sorry for seeming like I'm complaining. Just feeling trapped and hopeless again this morning and wanted to get it out so I could better understand it myself, don't really have anyone to talk to and really appreciate any support.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Forgive me if you covered this and I missed it but you said that she used to want it more than you. Could you elaborate on that? How often did she used to want it? What was your response? Did you oblige or turn her away? Any chance it could've caused some underlying resentment on her part?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sdc

Does your wife ever say I love you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm sorry to say this.. but the way your wife is treating you.. this IS WHY men fall into affairs.. honestly.. .unwilling, unbending, expects you to love her unconditionally while she sit and plays as a Princess....she is satisfied.....she comes to bed with her phone playing games with a kid in between you KNOWING how you crave her touch and more intimacy... heartless I say!

You sound like a phenomenal husband & father in every post I have read, faithful & true...you are just plagued with a higher Testosterone count ....and it can over take the mind.. (I got a taste of that 5 yrs ago...as a woman yet)... 

I have nothing but sympathy for you...dealing with this ongoing pain & struggle...you have stood tall to do the right thing by your family.. when many others would have fallen ...or divorced. (and I wouldn't blame them for a second)... My father left my Mother over sex, he did the right thing for his own sanity and happiness..Good for him- even if I was a casualty at the time.

I can relate to your angst and how strongly you crave the emotional and physical connection.. these are life giving things in marriage, and they DO hold our happiness..

When my drive was higher over my H's , he went out of his way to fulfill me, had he given me attitude like your wife.. I wouldn't have been strong enough to handle it.. .. it would have destroyed us. 

I am not sure what to say... but I will give you a little story.. a good friend of mine.. she hit her mid life surge & her husband was the one who didn't care about sex (2 times a month was good for him -I was shocked).... she would talk to me about this, she was going out of her mind, thinking about other men, but this was her 3rd marriage, they had a little girl, she had to make a work this time...but struggling so badly. (I felt such sympathy for her as well).. 

Here she had some health issues...something happened and she did get on some depression meds ....and WOW.. this completely took it away.. her drive shot down..and now they get along GREAT.. it's been wonderful ever since...

I think it's atrocious that a man would have to do this -though cause his wife is too selfish to give him 15 minutes of pleasure 3-4 times a week for his happiness though.. 

But you love her... so I guess I'll shut up.. I wouldn't have that sort of love in me. Resentment would eat me alive .... so again..I understand how you feel.. it's completely normal .


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

^ ^ ^ THIS.

Everything SA just said.

sdc... I have read your whole thread. You are just spinning round and round in circles trying to fix YOU, when the real problem is YOUR WIFE.

Your sex drive towards your wife is NORMAL and HEALTHY. Her response is ABNORMAL and UNHEALTHY for a marriage.

Until you stop tap-dancing around how to approach her, when to approach her, how not to tick her off, how to accommodate HER needs (never mind YOURS)... you will never resolve this.

She is in the wrong. She sounds uptight and high strung and incredibly selfish.

Personally, I would schedule an appointment for the two of you to see a licensed SEX THERAPIST to find a solution to this very solvable problem.

Other than the sex, it sounds like you have a happy and content marriage. You can solve this problem, but SHE has to meet you halfway. A regular counselor isn't going to cut it (where she can just whine about how stressed she is.) You need a sex therapist who will give you HOMEWORK to do each week. If she is unwilling to do the HOMEWORK, to meet your needs at least HALFWAY (and you meet yours -- hence you're both somewhere "in the middle" -- fair to both), then that tells you all you need to know about how committed she is to this marriage.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I read the title and thought wow - I have never heard the perspective that someone would want a lower drive - that's actually pretty cool, that someone would realize that their need for sex was not reasonable and they wished it would change.

Of course I figured you were one of these 1-2 times a day not 1-2 times a month . 

You shouldn't need to change, your wife needs to compromise here.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Forgive me if you covered this and I missed it but you said that she used to want it more than you. Could you elaborate on that? How often did she used to want it? What was your response? Did you oblige or turn her away? Any chance it could've caused some underlying resentment on her part?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the first year we were together, she would want it every day at least once. I was working some long hours in the winter months and would be completely exhausted some nights where it was physically difficult to perform. My eyes would want to close as soon as I hit the pillow. I would still manage to have sex every time she wanted it though I'm sure it wasn't the best some nights. I would fall asleep immediately after. Those were only so e nights, most of the time I had a lot of desire to be with her and was very grateful that I met someone that made me feel like me needs we're always taken care of!



Trickster said:


> sdc
> 
> Does your wife ever say I love you?


Yes she does almost every day.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm sorry to say this.. but the way your wife is treating you.. this IS WHY men fall into affairs.. honestly.. .unwilling, unbending, expects you to love her unconditionally while she sit and plays as a Princess....she is satisfied.....she comes to bed with her phone playing games with a kid in between you KNOWING how you crave her touch and more intimacy... heartless I say!
> 
> You sound like a phenomenal husband & father in every post I have read, faithful & true...you are just plagued with a higher Testosterone count ....and it can over take the mind.. (I got a taste of that 5 yrs ago...as a woman yet)...
> 
> ...


I have definitely felt that the relationship is a bit unfair, to the point that I asked for a divorce. While everything was falling apart I realized that I could handle a lot of the things, it's mostly the times that are lacking love and physical attention that make me feel hopeless. I am trying to figure out how not to need this in my relationship, I really do love my wife and know that she will not understand this. I am very loyal to my family and just trying to figure out a way to make this work. I know she doesn't want this to crash and burn either and do see some effort on her part. I'm hoping that by understanding each other better, we can find a place that we both feel loved, fulfilled and valued by each other.


happy as a clam said:


> ^ ^ ^ THIS.
> 
> Everything SA just said.
> 
> ...


Other than the sex and feeling like sometimes my concerns are not valued, we do have a great marriage and I enjoy spending time with her. I let the resentment over the lack of physical love build so much that I could not enjoy any time with her. I have made a lot of progress on staying loving but still feel the deep desire to be loved and have a regular sexual relationship. I am trying to receive love in non sexual ways and it definitely helps but I still have a part of me that needs more and feels unhappy and neglected. This part takes over at times and I am really struggling with how I should feel about this or respond to it. I tried ignoring it but this need will not be ignored and I'm afraid it will be unhealthy for me to try to ignore or resent myself for what has always been a important part of me.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

greenfern said:


> I read the title and thought wow - I have never heard the perspective that someone would want a lower drive - that's actually pretty cool, that someone would realize that their need for sex was not reasonable and they wished it would change.
> 
> Of course I figured you were one of these 1-2 times a day not 1-2 times a month .
> 
> You shouldn't need to change, your wife needs to compromise here.


Thanks, I appreciate the response which seems to be very consistent with most of the responses that I've received. Unfortunately it's not what I want to hear because the only person that I can change is me! 
I guess I just have to find out how much of this and for how long I can tolerate it while doing everything else I can to improve my marriage and make sure I'm fulfilling all of my wife's needs


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenfern said:


> I read the title and thought wow - I have never heard the perspective that someone would want a lower drive - that's actually pretty cool, that someone would realize that their need for sex was not reasonable and they wished it would change.


I've read plenty of stories here, where the man was , in my opinion, being far too sacrificial in catering to his low drive wife.. very ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/38669-sexless-marriage-castration-answer.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/60605-how-kill-male-sex-drive.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/137546-how-deal-hd-sex-drive.html

Wouldn't a man love to me married to this >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-once-month-why-should-i-have-more-often.html

I could see why it leads to this >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/107242-who-here-has-divorced-due-lack-sex.html

I am sure sdc2399 can relate to these 2...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/192194-im-tired-trying.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/10425-wife-unaffectionate-im-deep-depression.html


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I figured I would update this post. Mostly because I'm having a hard time handling this situation right now. Not really looking for any answers, don't really think there is too much help I can get with this. Maybe it can at least help some LD partners understand a bit what is going on in their HD partners head.
It's been a few weeks since we have had sex again. It's very difficult and comes in waves, past couple days have been very hard. I'm kind of stuck in a place where I feel a great desire to experience sex. The more I try not to think about it the more it pops back into my mind. Small things hit me like a ton of bricks, like getting a lingerie catalog in the mail or seeing something on tv. 
I feel so discouraged that I have this desire and can not fulfill it. When I am at work and think about it I just want to go home but at home it is worse and I want to go back to work. 
I am trying to be there as a friend more for my wife but I am having a lot of trouble even wanting to show affection, physically touch her or even look at her body. It just reminds me of what I can not have and makes me want it more. I feel very alone. I also really feel like some time away from her would help me a lot, like a week away or more. I feel like the closer I am to her the more I feel the unmet need. 
I have been waking up very early every morning and feel the desire even before I am fully awake, I try not to think about it but can't help it, usually end up just getting up super early and going online to try to distract myself. 
I had a couple disturbing dreams too, had a dream and I was very horny, my wife was in front of me but I knew I could not touch her. I woke up and then fell back asleep. I ended up having two dreams where I was with 2 different girls ( one in each dream). This bothers me because both women were someone that I actually know but would not be interested in having sex with. I was not sure if I actually was awake when I started fantasizing or it was after I fell asleep? These 3 dreams were early morning and a big part of the reason why I just get out of bed now and don't try to fall back asleep.
I don't think I'm feeling resentment for my wife, at least about this. I think I've mostly accepted that this is just what it is and I desperately need to figure out how to deal with it.
I am having a lot of trouble with thoughts about cheating or divorce. I know 100% that I do not want this and I will not do this. I am really surprised and discouraged in myself that my values don't seem to be consistently strong enough to prevent these thoughts from entering my head. I really don't like to admit that I have let the thought enter because I have made a commitment to be in this relationship 100% and give it everything right now. I feel like I'm being a bit weak or lazy by letting these thoughts enter. 
I am also very confused on how often I should take care of myself. I feel very unfulfilled when I do this, this is not what I want, I want to be with somebody. I also do not like porn because it causes me to think about sex and other girls more. Sometimes taking care of myself will decrease the desire a bit for a little while but sometimes it actually makes it worse. 
I still feel like I'm crazy or have a problem. This is such a big deal in my life! Should it really effect me this much? 

Sorry for the long and probably useless post, just sitting here with no motivation don't want to sleep. Hope someone else can relate?


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Sounds like you have not actually initiated sex in several weeks.
Therefore, I'm not at all surprised you've not had any sex in a few weeks. Are you starting to "get" the association between you not having sex and you not initiating sex?

Whisper into your wife's ear "I need you right now in the bedroom it is very important" 
Take her hand in yours and lead her to the bedroom, lock the door, and sex her up.

Or, continue with your passive (and totally ineffective) wait-till-she-has-desire approach, and post here again after 6 more sexless weeks.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

sdc2399 said:


> Mostly want to go home but at home it is worse and I want to go back to work.
> 
> 
> *I can understand this... When I am home and the affection isn't there, I feel much worse myself... To be on the couch together and no touching, to be in bed and nothing. Sometimes work can feel more rewarding...What is there to rush home to?*
> ...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

tommyr said:


> *Our marriage has reached a point of near ruin but I really do love you and want us both to fight for our marriage, even though (at times) it will feel like we are fighting against each other. Here is my perspective on our main problem and how to solve it. We both have been miserable over resentments cause by a cruel imbalance in sexual desire and generally poor communication about sex. One thing that makes our sexlife so unhappy for both of us is that neither side knows what to expect. So I propose right now we just agree on a regular sexual frequency of twice per week. I will do all the initiating, and if I pick a bad time that is fine, I won't get mad and run away, instead we will agree on a good time to have sex either later or the next day.*
> 
> Now pause and listen. She will agree to this basic approach. Why? Because she loves you (right?) and this is a completely reasonable solution. If 2X per week isn't the right number, then negotiate to a mutually agreeable sex frequency. By having this specific agreement, it eliminates the "pressure" (that you mentioned) because both sides know exactly what to expect and have (in advance) fully "signed up" for it. Also you have eliminated more pressure from her by YOU doing all the initiating. Lastly, you've established a rejection-free way to handle those times when you initiate but she isn't immediately up for it. Pure mechanics? Yes, but it's amazing how this simple thing has saved my marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

My situation is VERY similar to the OP's. 

Except...

My sex drive is actually decreasing after about 5 years of general disinterest from W. We have sex about once a week. 10 years ago it was daily. I think if I had more sex then my drive would increase again, but I guess I'm a bit defeated and just think, "Who cares? I'm better off with a lower drive."


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Sounds like you have not actually initiated sex in several weeks.
> Therefore, I'm not at all surprised you've not had any sex in a few weeks. Are you starting to "get" the association between you not having sex and you not initiating sex?
> 
> Whisper into your wife's ear "I need you right now in the bedroom it is very important"
> ...


Wish it was this simple, she has asked me to not ask for sex right now and I told her and our counselor that I will not ask. I don't lie about how I am feeling and she knows how the lack of sex effects me. She chooses not to be there for me in a way that I need her to. This has been the case for a long time.
The counselor told me this week that the relationship was in rough shape and she had tried talking to my wife and getting her to be a little more flexible and open with how she thinks and perceives things. She did not have much luck and let me know that it will probably take a while to see improvements in our relationship. 
She also said that my wife has the control in this relationship. I felt this way all along but hearing it from a counselor actually had a very angry effect on me. I have been blamed and verbally attacked by my wife and her family so many times, accused of being controlling and unfair. I actually hoped there was some truth to this so that I could have something to change or at least deserve the mistreatment from them!


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I am trying to get to the point that we have some consistency in frequency, I would feel a million times better. We have tried this before and had an agreement that didn't work, she actually came up with the agreement but there were always reasons we would go more than a month. I have gotten to the point that no I realize no matter how reasonable or important to me it is, it's only going to matter when it is important to her. At this point in her life it has very little importance. I still love her and want to be there with her but my unmet desires and needs are really making it difficult to feel close.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I still really believe I want to be close and her friend. This whole situation along with some other things makes it a bit hard to really trust her to treat my opinions and desires with respect and value.
As far as the question regarding another aggressive female, I have thought about it many times and know on a very deep level that I want more than anything to have a mutually fulfilling and healthy relationship with my wife. One mistake would ruin that forever and I am not willing to make that mistake as long as there is still a string of hope that we can have a loving and fulfilling relationship again in the future. When I met her, it was everything I ever needed and more, I still love her and want something with her that doesn't leave me feeling neglected. 
I have had girls look it me with desire and it is very difficult to stay focused when you are not sure you will ever get what you are hanging on to. After wanting to feel desired by a girl for so long, and imagining that you might finally get your needs met and get what you have been longing for, I can understand how someone would give up and embrace the situation that would immediately fill that empty neglected need. This really does scare me as a threat to my overall goal and I really want to decrease my sex drive to the point that I'm not afraid it could be stronger than my desire to stay faithful. I think I am very strong and committed but do worry sometimes. 
It is a constant fight to keep thoughts out of my head that would help me fulfill these needs. Divorce, no not gonna do it. 
Relationship with another girl, nope. 
Prostitute, no not what I'm looking for. 
Porn, no makes me feel worse and think about other girls more
Only thing left is where I began, try to get to a point in our relationship where we freely share love without resentment and look after each other.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

sdc2399 said:


> Wish it was this simple, she has asked me to not ask for sex right now and I told her and our counselor that I will not ask. I don't lie about how I am feeling and she knows how the lack of sex effects me. She chooses not to be there for me in a way that I need her to. This has been the case for a long time.
> The counselor told me this week that the relationship was in rough shape and she had tried talking to my wife and getting her to be a little more flexible and open with how she thinks and perceives things. She did not have much luck and let me know that it will probably take a while to see improvements in our relationship.
> She also said that my wife has the control in this relationship. I felt this way all along but hearing it from a counselor actually had a very angry effect on me. I have been blamed and verbally attacked by my wife and her family so many times, accused of being controlling and unfair. I actually hoped there was some truth to this so that I could have something to change or at least deserve the mistreatment from them!


First of all, so if you really told her you'd not initiate sex, then why are you back here complaining that you aren't getting any? Because I think the reason why is perfectly clear: you do not get what you do not ask for. Did you seriously think SHE would initiate? Oh man, please snap out of your fog. Your marriage is on the line and you need to have a clear head.

Second, why in the world did you agree not to initiate sex? Because it sounds to me like your sexless marriage is making you miserable, and you have perfectly reasonable needs that your wife ignores. I think you need a different counselor if he/she thought it's a good idea to deal with sexless marriage by telling the HD not to initiate sex.

Just imagine if you told the wife "dear, I know how important it is for you to share details of your day with me, this time together where I just listen to you really brings you closer to me. But I must say that because our sexless marriage has made me resentful, I just can't spend this time listening to you for now. So please agree that you will not come to me in the evenings and expect me to listen."

Would she agree to that? Does it seem reasonable if you were to cut off her main love language, that it is a healthy thing for your marriage? If you did this, would she start thinking "hey if my H can purposefully ignore a very important need of mine, maybe he actually doesn't love me, why are we even married?"


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sdc; 

I use to be worried about bad thoughts until I heard a radio preacher that I trust explain that bad thoughts are not an issue. Its what you do with those bad thoughts. We are bombarded by external stimuli hundreds of times during each day. 'Bad' thoughts are inevitable. This radio preacher just explained "just dump the bad thoughts. Garbage in. Garbage out!".

As far as your counceling sessions, I sense something alarming.

you told your councelor you wouldnt ask for sex, why.???

is she actually ok with this? If so, there better be a darn specifically good reason, or I say QUACK!!!

Also, it bothers me that said counselor would state that "your wife has control in the relationship". Was She merely stating it as a fact that needs to be addressed to rebalance the relationship, or waS she stating in a kind of 'in your face' way. 

I could be way off here, but the way in which you are describing councelor really almost peas me off.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> Sdc;
> 
> I use to be worried about bad thoughts until I heard a radio preacher that I trust explain that bad thoughts are not an issue. Its what you do with those bad thoughts. We are bombarded by external stimuli hundreds of times during each day. 'Bad' thoughts are inevitable. This radio preacher just explained "just dump the bad thoughts. Garbage in. Garbage out!".
> 
> ...


No, my counselor suggested that my wife tries to understand what sex means to me and how it effects me. She said that I count on her for it and she wouldn't want me going anywhere else and she should take that into consideration. My wife was not able to see this as a valid point. We were completely gridlocked so I gave her this and am ignoring my own needs to try to give the relationship a chance to get better. My counselor never requested me to do this. 
When she mentioned my wife having control it was after she had met with my wife to try to get her to be open to perceiving things different. The counselor said that it was very difficult because my wife is not very flexible to see things different. My counselor sees that I am trying and willing to compromise, this is where my wife is in control of what happens, if she chooses to let herself see things different and meet me halfway we have a chance, if she doesn't we will never have a healthy relationship. The counselor did not make this out to be a good thing, more of a major challenge. 
I'm not sure that she will really be willing to take the suggestions of a counselor and have prepared myself mentally to make the best of the situation either way. Whether we fix our relationship or divorce I will try to stay strong and be there for everyone. I am giving everything and more, if it doesn't work I will have left nothing on the table and will never question whether I could have tried harder.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Elk87 said:


> My situation is VERY similar to the OP's.
> 
> Except...
> 
> My sex drive is actually decreasing after about 5 years of general disinterest from W. We have sex about once a week. 10 years ago it was daily. I think if I had more sex then my drive would increase again, but I guess I'm a bit defeated and just think, "Who cares? I'm better off with a lower drive."


This really is a solution, the same one I have found.

If you're going to have to compromise with someone who doesn't have anything close to your innate sex drive, aren't you really better off not caring so much about the disparity? We always want the LD spouse to pick up the slack.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

OP, if you cant feel loved in your marriage, at least you can feel like your in a fair relationship. 

think about it, what is your wife not getting from you that she has been asking for? oh wait, thats right, nothing. she is perfectly happy the way things are. 

are you? obviously not. 

so, why dont you put all that lovey dovey affection on the shelf? stop giving it to her. its what makes her feel loved right? those are the kind of things that let her know that you really do love her arent they? 


well, if she wasnt getting them no matter how much she asked for it, and you just kept telling her that she needs to fix herself so that she doesnt want all those irritating hugs and kisses....

how would she feel? resentful? would she wonder if there was something wrong with her?  i mean, why wouldnt her husband want to tell her that he loved her?


you want her to understand how you feel? then PUT HER IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOU!


one of two things will happen, either she will hate you for it or she will try to understand where she went wrong. if she loves you like she says she does, then she will choose the latter.

ETA: i did this with my wife. she tried strike a deal with me on frequency, once a week, but i knew i wouldnt be happy with that. so i told her i would hold her, hug her, kiss, etc, once a week. i needed much more than that. but in order to have that much sex with me, i had to turn her on, so she had to tell me how. and she did. and now we have sex damn near every day, and i give her as much affection as i possibly can.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> OP, if you cant feel loved in your marriage, at least you can feel like your in a fair relationship.
> 
> think about it, what is your wife not getting from you that she has been asking for? oh wait, thats right, nothing. she is perfectly happy the way things are.
> 
> ...


Your solution and outcome really sound great, just not sure our relationship can take that neglect on my part right now? I naturally do give her a lot more affection when we are having frequent sex. Once it gets to this point it is difficult for me to have much physical contact with her. Whenever I'm with her the lack of sex is on my mind, not anger, just frustration and disappointment or hopelessness. It would be nice to get to the point that I didn't feel this lacking need. That's why I was hoping to find something that could reduce my sex drive. It really is starting to feel more and more hopeless. I have no idea what I'm gonna do? I guess time will tell, just trying to hold on as long as possible.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Cletus said:


> This really is a solution, the same one I have found.
> 
> 
> 
> If you're going to have to compromise with someone who doesn't have anything close to your innate sex drive, aren't you really better off not caring so much about the disparity? We always want the LD spouse to pick up the slack.



It's not my ideal situation, and I won't lie and say I have no feelings of resentment, but it is as it is. I've made my decision for now, and only have myself to blame if I start complaining. I pretty much tackled the situation in every way possible over the past 5 years, just short of the 180. The only reason I didn't 180 is because I could never fully commit to saying it was over. My decision, good or bad. 

I'm good looking, have a good job, am a great dad, tons of guy friends and exercise 5 - 6 times per week. I believe I'm getting better with age. In fact, I'm twice the man I was when she married me, and frankly she's been a pretty big idiot to not see and embrace that. I have what I need to be happy though and I feel pretty good (for today - LOL).

Sometimes I still consider leaving, but our kids are very young, and I'm incredibly devoted to the family. I think I'd rather grow accustomed to average sex once per week than have to tell them I'm leaving. Again, my choice. Each man has to weigh all those factors for himself. 

I think if, for some reason, my sex drive picks up again though, then I'll have to leave. I won't put myself through that pain & loneliness again, and my W has proven that she can't/won't (doesn't matter which) accommodate me. 

That's my story. Not as bad as some here, but it could be in an instant if my drive kicks in again. I really feel for all the guys fighting the loneliness, rejection and heartache that these LD wives bring upon them. It's unfair, and I'd never blame any of them for getting out. It's simply not what was agreed upon.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

To the OP, I think your drive will lessen on its own after a while. Mine did. There's a physiological and psychological basis for it. I don't fully understand either, but I can tell you that over time my desire for her has faded. It bums me out a bit, and if we lose our love over it then it will be 100% on her. I've already made it clear a while back that our love won't survive without a strong physical connection. What that will look like in the years to come, I don't know. 

You'll be suffering for a while though, so buckle down, or get out. Sorry.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Elk87,
Thanks for sharing. I think I am in a very similar situation as you. I also have improved a great amount since marriage, work out a lot, take care of myself, quit smoking and heavy drinking, handle stress better, successful with my business, etc. 
I feel like I have constantly made changes to be a better father and husband and would be more than thrilled if she treated me with half as much desire or had sex with me half as much as she did when we were married. Year after year I think if I can just keep changing or doing more, things will come around. Doesn't seem to be the case?


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

sdc2399 said:


> Elk87,
> 
> Thanks for sharing. I think I am in a very similar situation as you. I also have improved a great amount since marriage, work out a lot, take care of myself, quit smoking and heavy drinking, handle stress better, successful with my business, etc.
> 
> I feel like I have constantly made changes to be a better father and husband and would be more than thrilled if she treated me with half as much desire or had sex with me half as much as she did when we were married. Year after year I think if I can just keep changing or doing more, things will come around. Doesn't seem to be the case?



Way to go, sdc2399. Keep it up! 

Agree with you that I certainly wish she'd recognize and appreciate more, and 1/2 . She got a pretty good deal (and I'm not just bragging here - it's true that I was a pretty good dude when we got married, but I have multiplied that quite a bit since). At the same time, I'm done done done trying to do things that I think she'll appreciate. I do it for me, to be a better man. Period. I'll just be that much more ready if I ever do decide I need to leave. 

I'll say this about my wife though. She's a quitter about many things and rarely seeks help. Just gives up. When I confront her on marriage stuff, and she knows it's her inadequacy that created it, she just shuts down. No motivation or energy to work on it. She's like that in other things as well. So, if this thing falls apart, I doubt I'll bust my @$$ again to repair it. Not worth it.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Your normal. Males are driven to have sex daily, mother nature is calling. Women are driven by sex also. Women are design to have three to five children in a lifetime, about five or more years apart. When women have young children under five she not going to want a lot of sex. Primitive society which we came from a few thousand years ago handle it something like this. Other women in the tribe would take care of your needs. They understood your frustrations and new how to keep peace. The women and men were both promiscuous. Men wanting sex daily women would take turns satisfying the men. This is why women are multi-orgasmic and can have sex for hours with several men. Women of these villages would sneak off and have sex with men from other villages to help keep peace. Women would have bonds with other males in other villages so villages wouldn't attack each other. Of course the men were not trying to have prolong sex just quickies. Make love not war kinda mentality. A sexually frustrated male is easily to provoked and women knew how to keep the peace. 

Problem is you don't live in that society anymore! But you and your wife both have that same privative desires. We use guilt, same and we will take away your kids if you cheat. Your a decent human not an animal. You said your in construction, then go punch the wall. You will feel better after you fix it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here she had some health issues...something happened and she did get on some depression meds ....and WOW.. this completely took it away.. her drive shot down..and now they get along GREAT.. it's been wonderful ever since...
> 
> I think it's atrocious that a man would have to do this -though cause his wife is too selfish to give him 15 minutes of pleasure 3-4 times a week for his happiness though..


I've done it! Yes, I took anti-depressants to kill my libido, because I couldn't deal with it. It does work. But then I thought it was stoopid, and I stopped... 

I also stopped thinking about sex with my wife. I gave up. Big relief, believe me. Give us a shout when you get to that point, OP, because you will. Sorry for the bad news. There is no solution. Your wife doesn't really care about you. It boils down to this. Otherwise she would do her outmost to make you happy. It's only 30 minutes of her life now and then. But she is not even prepared to do that. To me, this is emotional abuse.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

everyone says there is no solution but to divorce or change how you feel. 

well, if you arent willing to try everything, i guess there is no solution. 

OP, you are trying to be the perfect husband. is it getting you the results you want?

does it work?


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Couple of things happened in the last week that have me even more confused. Just need to get them off my mind again. 
So I have been trying to treat my wife very well despite our lack of sex and the strong feelings that are always there when I know something that I need is missing and I'm next to the one person that I would want to be with knowing that she is not interested in being there for me. She has been complaining a lot about how I seem depressed and anxious. I had told her that I was considering going on medication to kill my sex drive so that I don't feel like this, she says that she notices me looking depressed and anxious and that's why she believes that the lack of sex effects me so much. So basically the lack of sex is not the cause, my anxiety is the cause.
The other night she asked me to promise that I would never cheat on her, I would divorce first. I had already asked for a divorce if we were not going to have a mutually fulfilling relationship and she completely flipped, filed papers, told me how hurt she was, got extremely mean and unreasonable, requested on a court order that I leave the house immediately and give her sole custody of the kids, tried to take the kids and move 2500 miles away, etc. now she acts like it would be okay for me to request a divorce rather than cheating. This is after 3 weeks of no sex. Felt like crying, seriously.
So today we get to talking and I mention that she had promised me that she would try harder than ever to make our relationship work yet she has not been willing to do what she had in the past and she is being very controlling with little to no compromise on every large conflict that we have had. Well the conversation got to the point that we were talking divorce again and she said that she was just happy to have healthy kids and a roof over our head, I should too. I tried to explain that as hard as I try not to think about the lack of sex, it is on my mind all of the time when we are very infrequently having any. I can't just make myself ignore it and be okay. I can't make the desire go away or keep the neglect from being hurtful. She does not believe this at all, she thinks I can just choose to be okay and happy with everything. She doesn't understand how I have tried this for years. 
I guess it's really hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you have never experienced a similar thing. I agree with her that everything else is great and really love life with her aside from the sex issues when we are having them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sdc2399 said:


> Couple of things happened in the last week that have me even more confused. Just need to get them off my mind again.
> So I have been trying to treat my wife very well despite our lack of sex and the strong feelings that are always there when I know something that I need is missing and I'm next to the one person that I would want to be with knowing that she is not interested in being there for me. She has been complaining a lot about how I seem depressed and anxious. I had told her that I was considering going on medication to kill my sex drive so that I don't feel like this, she says that she notices me looking depressed and anxious and that's why she believes that the lack of sex effects me so much. So basically the lack of sex is not the cause, my anxiety is the cause.
> The other night she asked me to promise that I would never cheat on her, I would divorce first. I had already asked for a divorce if we were not going to have a mutually fulfilling relationship and she completely flipped, filed papers, told me how hurt she was, got extremely mean and unreasonable, requested on a court order that I leave the house immediately and give her sole custody of the kids, tried to take the kids and move 2500 miles away, etc. now she acts like it would be okay for me to request a divorce rather than cheating. This is after 3 weeks of no sex. Felt like crying, seriously.
> So today we get to talking and I mention that she had promised me that she would try harder than ever to make our relationship work yet she has not been willing to do what she had in the past and she is being very controlling with little to no compromise on every large conflict that we have had. Well the conversation got to the point that we were talking divorce again and she said that she was just happy to have healthy kids and a roof over our head, I should too. I tried to explain that as hard as I try not to think about the lack of sex, it is on my mind all of the time when we are very infrequently having any. I can't just make myself ignore it and be okay. I can't make the desire go away or keep the neglect from being hurtful. She does not believe this at all, she thinks I can just choose to be okay and happy with everything. She doesn't understand how I have tried this for years.
> I guess it's really hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you have never experienced a similar thing. I agree with her that everything else is great and really love life with her aside from the sex issues when we are having them.


Have you married my wife? Seriously...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> Have you married my wife? Seriously...


Ditto


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Have you married my wife? Seriously...


Lol....but seriously, I feel bad for you! 
I just got done typing in a hundred variations of " can you be happy in a sexless marriage" or " can a sexless marriage work" I feel more hopeless now than ever. Every thing I read says its necessary to compromise or the relationship is doomed! 
I got a letter in the mail today from the court saying that our divorce case was dismissed due to lack of action. I thought this would make me happy but I just feel trapped and hopeless. I want to be with her but I want her to at least make it possible to work. 
I want to avoid divorce at almost any cost. Was hoping to have a good relationship with my wife but being in this kind of marriage hurts and I may just have to learn how to completely detach emotionally. I don't think she will understand this either.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sdc2399 said:


> Lol....but seriously, I feel bad for you!
> I just got done typing in a hundred variations of " can you be happy in a sexless marriage" or " can a sexless marriage work" I feel more hopeless now than ever. Every thing I read says its necessary to compromise or the relationship is doomed!
> I got a letter in the mail today from the court saying that our divorce case was dismissed due to lack of action. I thought this would make me happy but I just feel trapped and hopeless. I want to be with her but I want her to at least make it possible to work.
> I want to avoid divorce at almost any cost. Was hoping to have a good relationship with my wife but being in this kind of marriage hurts and I may just have to learn how to completely detach emotionally. I don't think she will understand this either.


If you want to stay, you will have to detach emotionally. This is what I did. It's not easy, but it will come naturally after a while. Without the flame nurturing your marriage, it will die. Your drive will also diminish. It's a long, painful journey. But you have to go through it.

We just live separate lives now. Basically, two friends raising the children. The most ludicrous thing is that I'm pretty sure she believes that I'm happy. That I have accepted the situation (which I have - no option there) and so she doesn't have to do anything any more. That's it. Her life's sorted...


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## GrannyMildew (Aug 15, 2013)

SDC, You said in one post that your wife believes you should love unconditionally. That's insane! We are to love our children unconditionally. Our spouses have things called" NEEDS", which change from time to time. As a spouse, we are to know WHAT those NEEDS are and FILL THEM. 

She is doing anything but fulfilling YOUR needs. Hopefully, you are trying to fulfill hers. If you haven't already, may I suggest the 2 of you read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages and take the tests. 

I wish you the best.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

SDC ,

Your Desires are normal , don't let anyone , anyone convince you that it is a sin to desire your wife ;don't anyone influence you that family is more important ; and that you should love your wife unconditionally ; was the vow/ spiritual contract optional ; did it include a sentence like ( to love and support only if you want too!).

don't try to use logic ,if you do you will fight with her ; and if you do everything she wants she will set boundaries and work based on it .


expect her to use all tools to avoid sex :
-kids ,health,monthly visitor ,anything you think of.

-Love for an LD wife is a secure marriage ,a descent husband who does everything to make her happy , without even raising a sight to complaint .

Try to break the cycle , just look at yourself and enhance your lifestyle ;meet other people (not encouraging you to cheat , It is sin : i was close to it , didn't do it though my wife made me feel that she is worth that I bring a girl from street and f...k her in front of her eyes.

try to agree with her about a frequency twice a week for example ; specific days , do it gently ; but be assertive ; and expect her to break this agreement by her trying to initiate one day before ; it the Borderline mentality that will try to control ...


Bull**** ; I hate to see more wives sucking happiness from heart of a faithfull husband ; IT TAKES FROM ANY WOMEN 20 Min to make her man fly from happiness in a week ; yet she nags that he is abnormal if he asks for it .

Some PPL around the word are paying their fortune to get an erection ; and a lazy women won't give her husband a ride .

Forgive me Ladies ; I am not generalizing ; I love women ; yesterday I was attracted to one who is 79 years old ; I love healthy minded women ; but I hate LD lazy women ; if they are that lazy ; they shouldn't commit in a marriage .

good luck .


good luck 

"A good wife is one that would make sure that her husband's balls are used on every table at home before he goes out ".


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

OP, are you so afraid of rocking the boat and upsetting your wife that you will rather let your marriage crumble?

you should be setting boundaries. you should be telling your wife that she will either file for divorce or deal with the same level of compromise from you that she gives. 

why on earth are you trying to be so nice over and over again when its clear that your wife will just ignore it and treat you like there is something wrong with you? not only are you putting up with it, your encouraging it! are you so afraid of upsetting her that you refuse to fix this? your marriage is shambles and you seem dead set on continuing this failing dynamic. 


why are you trying so hard to convince yourself that something is wrong with you? you KNOW your wife is capable of an active sex life. she was before. do you really think that she is so perfect that YOU must be the problem?


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

I'd also like to have a lower sex drive. During days I'm not working I can easily get off 4 times a day. I don't think I'm ever gonna meet a woman that would be able to keep up with me.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

Figured I would update this post again. We have been doing marriage counseling but the counselor so suggestions have not been taken. Nothing has changed. I have tried to give even more and be the perfect husband with taking care of the finances plus spending quality time with her and the kids while simultaneously helping more around the house and not complaining at all. Nothing changed. 
I am giving up with having a mutually loving relationship with her. She does not seem to give any value to my desires or needs. I have no choice but to detach so that my heart isn't so broken every time she mistreats me. 
I feel very good about this choice but know it will be a difficult to detach from a bond that is so strong in me.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

This may sound like harsh advice but i truly believe its the only way to go. For whatever reason your wife has lost attraction to you.

Have you discreetly examined if there is a third party in the picture? 

Either way your wife stopped meeting your needs. This really doesn't bother her as her needs are still being met.

You pay the bills, help out with the housework, look after the kids etc. Her world is nice and cosy.

The only shot you have to possibly fix this is to disrupt her cosy little world.

Since she is blatantly not meeting your needs, i would seriously suggest, that you stop supporting her financially, emotionally, whatever. Relegate her to Roomate Status and let her look after herself.

Until your wife sees that her actions towards you have consequences nothing will ever change.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

sdc2399 said:


> Couple of things happened in the last week that have me even more confused. Just need to get them off my mind again.
> So I have been trying to treat my wife very well despite our lack of sex and the strong feelings that are always there when I know something that I need is missing and I'm next to the one person that I would want to be with knowing that she is not interested in being there for me. She has been complaining a lot about how I seem depressed and anxious. I had told her that I was considering going on medication to kill my sex drive so that I don't feel like this, she says that she notices me looking depressed and anxious and that's why she believes that the lack of sex effects me so much. So basically the lack of sex is not the cause, my anxiety is the cause.
> The other night she asked me to promise that I would never cheat on her, I would divorce first. I had already asked for a divorce if we were not going to have a mutually fulfilling relationship and she completely flipped, filed papers, told me how hurt she was, got extremely mean and unreasonable, requested on a court order that I leave the house immediately and give her sole custody of the kids, tried to take the kids and move 2500 miles away, etc. now she acts like it would be okay for me to request a divorce rather than cheating. This is after 3 weeks of no sex. Felt like crying, seriously.
> So today we get to talking and I mention that she had promised me that she would try harder than ever to make our relationship work yet she has not been willing to do what she had in the past and she is being very controlling with little to no compromise on every large conflict that we have had. Well the conversation got to the point that we were talking divorce again and she said that she was just happy to have healthy kids and a roof over our head, I should too. I tried to explain that as hard as I try not to think about the lack of sex, it is on my mind all of the time when we are very infrequently having any. I can't just make myself ignore it and be okay. I can't make the desire go away or keep the neglect from being hurtful. She does not believe this at all, she thinks I can just choose to be okay and happy with everything. She doesn't understand how I have tried this for years.
> I guess it's really hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you have never experienced a similar thing. I agree with her that everything else is great and really love life with her aside from the sex issues when we are having them.


You should have provided this information in your initial post. At one point your therapist noted that your wife controls your relationship. The above post shows that not only does she control it, she will act drastically to maintain that control. She would treat you like an enemy in a flash and make your life hell if you dared to think of leaving her.

Now she is taking away your right to leave and your right to cheat. Right to cheat, you ask? Well, your wife feels that it is the logical response to the way she is treating you.

Up until this post, I had some sympathy for your desire to make it work because of the mutual love you share. However, you have given a very different picture. Your relationship is not healthy. You are co-dependent.

Like many married (wo)men every moment of your day is accounted for. You could live with this if you got laid and your wife showed sexual passion for you.

In short you are imprisoned in your marriage and living on rationed intimacy.

Do you want more power in your relationship?

1) Stop acting depressed and anxious.
2) Gradually cut back on all the affirmative touching you give your wife. Hug her less.
3) Don't say I love you. If she says it to you, smile or pat her on the shoulder. The value of "I love you" from your side is debased. You need to raise its meaning to her.
4) You need autonomy. Work out. Run. Lift weights.
5) Don't let her bully you. Don't react in anger when she provokes. Defuse by saying something like "I am sorry you feel that way".

Read Bagdon's thread. Neuklas.

Also, ask yourself honestly, is your wife all that great? Does she have BPD traits?


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Listen I been there bro. Get your fffn balls back and never let them go again. Get a side chick, and take care of your family. One life to live, but your kids need you too. She needs to see that your desired by others, but unfortunately it is merely a quick fix.


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## old red (Jul 26, 2014)

sorry, but you are being very weak. start to pull away. start to plan your new life without her. think about the example that you are setting your children. stop meeting her needs. your wife does not respect you. go to an excellent lawyer and get advice re the best possible divorce/separation options that are available to you. make plans for the children and you. you do not need to include her in these plans. let her know through your actions that you are falling out of love with her. she needs to see what she is putting at risk because of her awful behavior. if you are intimate, be sure to take care of yourself, and be less giving to her. you need to go a bit cave man. give yourself permission to be a little selfish. be sure to have fun without her. do everything that you can to make yourself attractive to other women. enjoy it if you get noticed by other women. it would be excellent if your wife was to see this happening.

you are far too dependent on your wife.


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## sdc2399 (Jul 6, 2014)

I have realized that my wife will never respect me or treat me lovingly like she used to. That person has either disappeared or was never really there, maybe faked from the beginning. She will treat me horribly when she does not get what she wants. I don't think I will ever feel the same way about her again and I am really okay with that. 
I have also noticed that both of her parents show very unreasonable characteristics and their values are far different than mine. My wife becomes more and more like her parents everyday. 
I haven't really craved sex from her in a while, I would fvck her but I no longer feel that connection or bond that I wanted to strengthen. Now it's more like I have a penis and wouldn't mind putting it somewhere soft and warm, but don't really care so much. 
I am still trying to be very kind but will stick up for myself and not allow myself to be mistreated. She lies and deceives a LOT. I no longer try to downplay or help her hide the truth. I tell her she lies and is deceptive, she asks me to take it back but I can not, beviase she lies and is deceptive all the time. I record almost every conversation we have so that when she accuses me of yelling or saying something I didn't, I can resistencia and see how she escalated, blamed, lied about me and deceived the truth. 
This has not been going over well, she has been even more unreasonable, as has her mom. Both of them called the police on me this week. Her mom called the police after she attacked me and smacked both my boys while I tried to get all 3 of my kids out of the house. The police were disgusted with her. The next day my wife called the police on me for taking $200. I gave her $1300 to take on vacation with us. We went to spend nearly 3 weeks with her inlaws, who hate me. After her mom attacked me I took the kids to a hotel. My wife reluctantly came with us, long story, but all my stuff was at her moms house. My wife wouldn't even let me use her phone or charger? She was mad at me!
I took some of our money, she has left me with nothing before, cancelled my credit card on me when I had no access to cash. She has not been employed during our 10 yr marriage. So I decided to learn from her past behavior and not be left with nothing. She called the police on me at the airport when she noticed! Even called her lawyer!
I recorded the whole thing and told her the police were going to laugh at her, they were very disgusted as were the cops the prior day with her mom. I never imagined it could get to this point, can't help but find it a bit funny. She tried to get a case number from the police, he had to explain "but mam, there is no crime?" The police told me that he had been through a divorce too and encouraged me to keep doing what is best for the kids. 
Poor kids had to see so much anger and police on vacation then get split up so we could take separate airplanes back across the country. 
This relationship has transformed into a nightmare, amazing what love can cause you to ignore! I'm still very optimistic on life, maybe now more than ever? I have learned a ton these last ten years, can't imagine how far I can go when not being suppressed by lies and disrespect everyday. I know I can't be happy while being mistreated and am done giving myself reasons to accept it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

keep updating us. as you start to enforce your boundaries, she will freak out and may even leave you. but you will be better off for it. 

but with the level of disrespect she shows you, i wouldnt be surprised if she is cheating on you.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Hey SDC-- this is terrible, but at least you don't have to wonder about her anymore. She has shown her true colors.

Get a good lawyer if you don't already have one. Ask about getting a restraining order against your wife and mother in law.


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