# Tired of having to be the bigger person



## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

I found this forum to hopefully get some stuff off my chest that needs to be said and questions asked before my mouth explodes over Thanksgiving dinner!

There's a massive back story here but will try to stay on point. Husband and I have been married since Aug 2015, however have been together since 2005. We had some bumps in the beginning are far as commitment on both our ends but we were good for years until 2010 came, he'd proposed the past year.. with no real plans happening, I started to freak out that maybe I was making the wrong choice.( all I'd really ever known was our relarionship) drinking at the bar with friends one night, ended with me leaving with a friend of a friend who needed a ride home.. we ended up having a wild time(I imagine what a crazy one night stand would equate too) I had no intention of this happening & I hated myself for allowing myself to get so intoxicated that I had no reservations.. I couldn't face my then finace.. and I basically tried to just end it, my drinking and bad choices spiraled.. he didn't take no for an anser and assured me we could work everything out.. that we were meant to be etc.. 

and let's be honest I do love the guy tremendously.. so I agreed to get my head right and felt that I was making the right choice and that we'd be together for ever and that he would forgive me my indesctrion durring that time. 

Not so much.. he kept getting pretty mad and jealous over it.. he was having a hard time accepting it. When things were good tho he had no problem trying to get me pregnant, to start our family.. sure enough I did get pregnant, that didn't chance much.. it was actually pretty sad.. he asked for my engagement ring back.. he was gone all the time.. he was talking to a mutual friend alot.. told me one time he was going fishing turns out I caught him with a girl, they had hung out a few times, and as the story goes only kissed.. 

I was about 6 mos preg.. the "friend" suggest a 3 some.. I agree as I just want to make finance happy and though it might be fun. Maybe I could make him happy with me again if I could be just what he wanted.. that goes fine, still friends with that girl and had have other encounters that have gone smoothly. I get pregnant again.. we now have 2 under 2.. things are mostly good so I think.. had a girlfriend approach me durring 2013 she had some drinks slept over climbed into bed, that relationship grew into some fun adult time for my fiance, myself and she and her husband.. was fun a few times then fizzled out.. but things are still good, only till summer 2014 does finance tell me, since we're actually planning wedding now.. that he had cheated a few other time with a different friend of ours when I was pregnant with 1st child . 

I was shocked I thinked I slapped him.. little did I know he had more secrets but probably didn't let them all out due to my meltdown. Anyways, I cut that friend out of my life.. done and done.. moving on.. just glad that's behind us and things are good and moving forward.. 

We marry 2015, was amazing & I was so happy I think we both were. Then Oct 2015 he says so remember (let's call her homewrecker) the who we were having the 4 some with, we'll she's divorcing and daring husbands brother.. I'm like weird haven't heard much from her... but whatever, good for browsing in law he's a super man child and anything that will get him off the couch is a good thing, I should also mention he's bi polar and have attacked myself and husband many times I've seen this man be right off his Rocker you know the whole black vans fbi after me kinda stuff... 

anyways homewrecker tells brother in law the stuff the 4 if us had done and not only that but that she had slept with my now husband on their lunch break (without partners) which was something that was definitely against the rules... so brother inlaw can't deal.. starts going manic.. tells husband he needs to fess up or hes going to tell me... husband does..mind you I've been mairried2 months.. talk about a bomb being dropped.. even in the act did happen in 2013 they both lied and hung around like everything was fine for 2 years... I lost it.. I was so mad at both of them! I was mad that bro in law didn't have my back either and he kept doing her... he told me I needed to get over it.. homewrecker told everyone in the extended family what had happened, again nothing like having your **** out there for everyone to judge you on... the whole thing be came unbearable for me... like everyone just expected me to be my people pleasing self but I was pisses.. it still fires me up all the fights and awful things that were said.. husband begging me not only leave.. that he changed he was sorry it was a slip up... etc etc....

I struggle but we're trying to work it out... of course now I have to distance my kids and I from family events that included brother inlaw and homewrecker bc I hate her and him for that matter. 

What happens next.. April 2016 1st person he admitted cheating on me with comes back into my life.. I was just like hey I know what happened, I'm not OK with it..you were not a friend to me then,,don't try to pretend to be one now... she goes onto apologize and confess that it was more much more then was he had admitted too... I'm an emotional mess at this point. I'm like who else is going to come outta the woodwork with stories or how I can't trust him or any of my friends, not even his family... mind you his family is more the accepting of home wrecker.. and no one cares what I'm going thru... an old friend of mine randomly comes to town, someone I'll admit I had feelings for obviously considering I took off one night to go see him.. I wanted so badly to feel something right something not a mess...
We spent the night together may 2016.. I came home and told husband the truth that very next morning.

We definitely went back and fourth as of what to do.. again he asked me to not leave to consider the good times the children etc... my mom passes suddenly a month later and I discover my gram Hass stage 4 pancreatic cancer a month after that.. I find out I pregnant again. Thano God for that tho or I really would have been down the bottom of a bottle after loosing mom and soon to be care taker of my gram. We made good memories but she did pass in feb of2017. Husband and I still together 3 kids later.. things are good mostly but he tends to unload on me rather often and has basically since it happened. 

What I find amazing tho is this man is gone.. dies live around here.. he doesn't have to see him at work or around town or anything.. he could literally just put it away and it would be away.. yet he loves to bring it up and remind me that "I" was the one who was married when I decided to sleep with someone... yeah but I was also lonley angry hurt etc 

Anyways, in the mean time homewrecker has a babe with bro in law.. GREAT...guess she ain't going anywhere and that's exactly what that malicious conniving sick woman wanted anyways.. she couldn't steal my husband so his brother would have to work. No one in his side of the family seems to shun her or thinks she's a disgusting human like I do.. matter of fact I just heard last night,now mind yu I've been cooking thanksgiving dinner for the last 5 years.. that the in-laws will be doing it at their house this year so brother in law and homewrecker can be incuded.. and of course we're invited too.. yeah that's just want I want to do, hang out with those two idiots,I don't even want my kids around them and I made that happen this long.. I dont think I'll be changing my plans this year. I do feel bad for my children tho, they're only living grandparents are choking to be with a manic jerk and homewrecker over spending time and banking breads with their grand kids. How can they do that to me?? After all that I'm always doing for everyone... ughhh
I guess basically I'm not even sure how to feel about any of this.. I have so much guilt for my parts in all this and pain that I try to keep hidden... I have guilt bc the last thing I want is to rip our household in half all bc mom and dad couldn't figure out how to communicate and move on. I just keep everything to myself.
Vent over


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whoslaughingnow can you go back and edit your post to show breaks in paragraphs please? It is very hard to read.


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

Hope that helped


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This one is pretty complicated for sure, and one that I am not sure anyone here is going to be able to help straighten out much.

It appears that while there end up being hurt feelings from it, there is a dynamic of pretty freewheeling sexuality and that everybody kind of messes around with everybody else, gets mad and hurt feelings, but keeps on doing it. Kind of forcing highs and lows.

Not sure that there is anything you can do about it since it seems as if this is all pretty accepted and normal in a "That's just how it is" kind of way in the whole social and family group here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Whoslaughingnow said:


> I found this forum to hopefully get some stuff off my chest that needs to be said and questions asked before my mouth explodes over Thanksgiving dinner!
> 
> There's a massive back story here but will try to stay on point. Husband and I have been married since Aug 2015, however have been together since 2005. We had some bumps in the beginning are far as commitment on both our ends but we were good for years until 2010 came, he'd proposed the past year.. with no real plans happening, I started to freak out that maybe I was making the wrong choice.( all I'd really ever known was our relarionship) drinking at the bar with friends one night, ended with me leaving with a friend of a friend who needed a ride home.. we ended up having a wild time(I imagine what a crazy one night stand would equate too) I had no intention of this happening & I hated myself for allowing myself to get so intoxicated that I had no reservations.. I couldn't face my then finace.. and I basically tried to just end it, my drinking and bad choices spiraled.. he didn't take no for an anser and assured me we could work everything out.. that we were meant to be etc..
> 
> ...


Wow. So it sounds like he never got over your cheating on him the first time. I think he probably in the back of his mind thought since there was no loyalty component in your love for him you didn't deserve one from him. I mean I think the truth is you both have been living in an open marriage right? I don't know if with all the betrayal and what not if you can fix it. Thing is you now have 3 kids with this guy so I am not sure your choices are going to be as open to you. Plus your lifestyle might not be the most appealing to some. Maybe it's worth a shot because of that. Not saying you won't get someone else but you will be operating from some disadvantages. Besides that some of the other drama filled people and people you have been having history with, such as swapping and stuff will still be in your life right? Like is your new boyfriend going to be cool with your brother in law and his girlfriend whom you had sex with hanging around? Are you just going to keep this secret? That is not a good idea as it will come out eventually. 

I guess my point it you seem to be OK with having sex with other people just not lying about it. If you opened your marriage at least the lying component would conceivably go away? There has never seen to be hard boundaries in your relationship or life to begin with, so I am not sure how you can establish them now. I mean basically you will have to have a sea change in your thinking and lifestyle. Both of you are going to have to decide to do that. Is he there at this point? Doesn't sound like it. 

Generally speaking I think one of the hardest things for a guy who has been cheated on especially when he finds out that he has some options is to try to get back that loyalty component with the person who cheated on him. Let's be honest being faithful is kind of a fight against our nature. While again generally speaking a women's nature especially when she has children is to nest and create stability with them. I mean there is a reason why the stereotype is men are dogs. For most of us our nature is to want to have lots of sex. Genetically speaking it makes sense that we think this way. I am very strongly monogamous but even I can acknowledge that I am this way because my rational mind overrides my carnal nature. If left to my own devices especially if my wife cheated on me I would not bother at all. I also would not feel bad with treating a person the way they treated me, even though I would feel bad doing so to someone else who was faithful. It's one of the reasons I wouldn't stick around. I tell you that to just let you know what you are up against. Many times women have revenge affairs to get back at their husbands. I think that is true for guys as well, but if the cat gets out of the bag and the guy realizes that he he has some success in this area and gets a taste for it, look out. 

The bottom line in all this is you can't make someone be faithful to you. You both have enough damaged done to each other that there is not high road left to speak of. Your kind of both down in the mud. Maybe call a truce and see where you go from there, I mean do your really have the right to be outraged when you kind of have done the same thing in a way? You at least kicked it off.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Oh my word. Just divorce and stop bringing more children into such a mess. You BOTH are serial cheaters who keep playing the one up game. 

FYI- "homewrecker" owes you what, exactly? It was your husband who broke his vows to you. You are more angry at her than the man who promised you fidelity.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Well on the positive side you two seem perfect for each other. The way you all cheat, get over it, invite others into your bed, then cheat again, befriend the others affair partner (even having a 3-some with her) is so foreign to me. There doesn't seem to be any real loyalty, commitment, of investment into the marriage on either side.

I don't really have any advice, if it's working for you both I guess ride it out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mistake


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Primrose said:


> Oh my word. Just divorce and stop bringing more children into such a mess. You BOTH are serial cheaters who keep playing the one up game.


This I agree with, the rest not so much. They both are homewreckers. They had all of this cheating and inviting others into the relationship bed years before they were married. Apparently, they both cheated during the fiance phase. They broke up, he took the ring back and she still "caught him" with another girl. There is all types of pettiness, experimenting and sex going on until they get married. I never understand why people get married at this point.

It's the myth, which I find fascinating, where people believe marriage and/or children magically solves all problems.
You slapped him, you cheated, he cheated while you were pregnant, you became angry and an apology made you sleep with someone you didn't like. You and your husband's tryst affected another marriage. Too much pettiness and resentment if you ask me. 
Sorry, you can try, but you'll both have to find a very good counselor.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

whos...your husband loves to blame shift, putting all of his indiscretions in one nice neat package behind your ONS...to me that BS, and i agree with others you need to stop having kids with him, to need to seriously think if you want to spend the rest fo your life with someone who will continually blame you for his own transgression and not take ownership...its not the high road you should be taking but the highway move on. He's definitely not marriage material.


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

I think some of this has been taken out of context or perhaps I didn't explain it all that well.. yes I cheated 1st..which I was very regretful for and not of my nature at all.. I was 22, freaking out about if I was ready to commit to forever, it's not an excuse, it's just where my head was at.. I was so wrong and I did everything humanly possible to support him, love him, rebuild our trust.. yes he took the ring back but only to be mean.. he was in my bed loving on me everyday while off kissing one and screwing this othere one, while I was home fixing dinners, making his lunch, he gave the ring back, we loved each other, we got past everything and decided it would be OK to have a 3 some from time to time.. no big deal.. honestly it was fun and we were all adults about that. It's the lying that drives me nuts!! No I wasent perfect but damn did I try to make up for my mess up. He didn't tell me about the girl till like 2 years later. (She was also a friend of mine) talk about betrayal! Ughh
the 2nd situation with home wrecker is she and her husband friends of ours approached us.. we went into open eyes.. again had fun a few times everything was fine.. their divorce came from many things I'm sure but was mostly financial.. they got married after 6 mos kinda thing too. Besides the point.. again tho.. his lying! He kept it a secret until 2 years later after we married and only told me bc his brother was going too. 
She's has been nothing but mean and vindictive to me since she got with bro inlaw.. pitting on person again to the other. It's sick really but I just wanted to clarify those few things.. we both love our children lots more then anything and they have a good life and are smart and funny little beings we never fight in front of them, when we have issues we hash it out after their in bed. 
Again not looking for pitty but just some undertsanding.. we don't wanna divorce we just struggle cuz we've both hurt each other so much..


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

Also... these girls were my supposed friends.. we shopped together, spa days together, babysat and helped each other.. they both said... "I'm so sorry, I didn't want to hurt you, that's why we didn't tell you"... then homewrecker flips the script, so mean and raunchy with her words and actions toward me as I'm trying to figure it all out.. when I cut her out for good.. she tries to launch a turn husbands whole family against me.. which doesn't work I've been around for 15 years and we all have love.. but she's just cruel.. not only is cheating hard to get over but imagine loosing the security of your family ties also.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Whoslaughingnow said:


> yes I cheated 1st..which I was very regretful for and not of my nature at all..


 You cheated last as well, did you not? So I would say it is your nature, and his as well.
My advice is to stay with him because it will be hard to find someone as broken as each of you are.
You both need to seek some professional help. All of this is beyond the scope of what an anonymous internet forum could do to help.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I hate to say that the one thing that jumped out at me was the timing of the 3rd child.

One minute you are having a wild night with an old flame and the next you are announcing that you got pregnant.

Is there any chance that your husband is not the father? Any chance at all?


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

Valid conclusion..I also would say that it was a choice.. I knew I wanted to feel valued and loved and chosen and good enough.. this man.. the old flame.. gave me that. He was going thru something as well and we just wanted to make each other feel better... in hind sight we went about things in a very selfish way that only lead to more hurt for every one involved. I feel like it was more fight or flight and I was tired. Fighting for someone who was lying to me for years. I didn't know if there was more to husbands stories or more girls and he was just too afraid to loose me to tell me..


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

That is some circle of friends you have there.


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

No chance at all.. I can see how that might beg the question however, nope Def husbands babe.. for all that are saying "stop with the kids" good lord I'm there with ya! The 1st 2 came fast 2011 & 2013.. when things were pretty good and our relationship was recovering from my 2010 episode :/ of course little did I know till later that all these things had gone on... also last babe was conceived even on birth coneroli, I had just gone thru the devastating loss of my mother.. I was in and out of the hospital, traveling, juggling loto and missed a pill here or there, and some point just after mom passed husband and I were making up.. and boom, I got pregnant didn't know till a month later, had some lady issue went to doc for testing turns out I was 5 weeks, so I know my actually conception time, which makes the idea you suggested impossible and also, I took it as a sign for my mother, some type of extra blessing, a rainbow among the rain.


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

Seriously.. I do have some good ones tho, these two just had their own motives I guess.. it hurts but I can't change it. The worst is #2 is literally forcing herself into my life, by dating bro inlaw and now having a child with him.. I do think know how to move past that.. I could forgive and forget easier if I didn't have it shoved in my face weekly etc


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> whos...your husband loves to blame shift, putting all of his indiscretions in one nice neat package behind your ONS...to me that BS, and i agree with others you need to stop having kids with him, to need to seriously think if you want to spend the rest fo your life with someone who will continually blame you for his own transgression and not take ownership...its not the high road you should be taking but the highway move on. He's definitely not marriage material.


This is the thing.. I mean when we're good, we're good, we make an excellent partnership and we both bring alot to the table in many aspects of our relationship.. there is however pain on both our ends that we're both having a hard time burrying.. I understand that.. from what I gather he's learned his lessons and I've learned mine. 
I do think think there is any desire to go outside our marriage... in fact he uses that against me as I was the one who broke our vows.. true.. he's also kidding him self if he doesn't think what he did to me hurt beyond words as we lived like we were married long before our actual marriage.. and I was under think he assumption and belief via his words that were were going to leave the past in the past and move on (ref 2010) he didn't obviously. I was however 100% faithful committed focusing only on our family durring that time. Sometimes he sees that, other not so much. 

Now we're at a place were we are living within our marriage, also he does express desire to add partners from time to time, and Im on the fence as I'm not sure I'm there yet, it was pretty messed up for me how all this went down and I'm concerned if I allow him to open that door a little again it will unleash a flood like never before. I wanted to allow partners inside our relationship thinking we'll I can statisyfy his desire for some extra with being present and involved and I became ok with that.. even had fun.. but I just don't know anymore if that is right for us now. 
Beyond that, what's getting me is girl #2 and hiw much I don't want to see her or acknowledge her existance, yet when the holidays come his family feels bad for bro inlaw and doesn't want to exclude him, so my options are exclude my family or choke down seeing her. It sucks.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

In order for reconciliation to be a remote possibility, one of the very first steps we always recommend is complete no contact with ALL affair partners. The only way to save this marriage, in my opinion, is to pack up and get the heck out of dodge because it seems your husband is unwilling to cut ties with his brother (whom is now dating one of his OW). Even though I fault your husband for his hook up with BIL's gf, I, too, would be unable to reconcile if I knew I always had to see her and that everyone else expected me to be cordial with her. Worse, I think, would be watching my husband play nice with her.

Also, you two HAVE to close off your marriage to other people. No more threesomes or swinging. Neither of you are capable of staying within the bounds of this lifestyle.


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## Whoslaughingnow (Nov 16, 2017)

Primrose said:


> In order for reconciliation to be a remote possibility, one of the very first steps we always recommend is complete no contact with ALL affair partners. The only way to save this marriage, in my opinion, is to pack up and get the heck out of dodge because it seems your husband is unwilling to cut ties with his brother (whom is now dating one of his OW). Even though I fault your husband for his hook up with BIL's gf, I, too, would be unable to reconcile if I knew I always had to see her and that everyone else expected me to be cordial with her. Worse, I think, would be watching my husband play nice with her.
> 
> Also, you two HAVE to close off your marriage to other people. No more threesomes or swinging. Neither of you are capable of staying within the bounds of this lifestyle.


Seriously tho! Ughhh... the kicker is bro in law knew what he was getting into with her, he knew from her before anyone told me. He's resopose is "it'll be ok, (me) will understand" no no I don't.
Husband is not OK with his brother for getting involved with her but like I said he's kinda nuts him self and went as far as to tell my husband "she loves me & not you, is that what upsets you" now my husband is an ass from sure,but just let me clarify it was an easy win for him, she's the local door knob if you know what I mean. He never loved her or anything so for bro in law to even take it there just shows he's an ego maniac himself. Husband basically hates him and her... it's the mom inlaw doing this, she wants everyone to be a family and feels bad for poor bro in law cuz none of it is his faukt.. well yes and no, I mean the acts and stuff no, but he knew what he was playing with and by choosing to get with her and have a kid he drive a huge wedge in the family.
Prior to that it was just husband and Is issue to work out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Primrose said:


> Oh my word. Just divorce and stop bringing more children into such a mess. You BOTH are serial cheaters who keep playing the one up game.
> 
> FYI- "homewrecker" owes you what, exactly? It was your husband who broke his vows to you. You are more angry at her than the man who promised you fidelity.


“Yeah, I cheated first. And then again. And again. And again.

But seriously, that’s not even who I am!”


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