# Trouble being intimate with her



## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.

I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.

through mutual friends we connected and hit it off really well, same hobbies, interest, etc etc

I finally got the girl I’ve wanted after almost 20 years !
Here’s my issue, I’ve always been a bit of a germaphobe, and I’ve never let a woman give me oral sex, I never wanted my genitalia in her mouth out of respect for her, and I’ve never given oral either, every woman I’ve been with I knew had previous sexual encounters and putting my mouth where another man had his equipment and left his dna doesn’t appeal to me.

Now we’ve had normal sex, protected “condom” and it’s great, but, she is pushing for us to do oral and I just can’t . I know this probably isn’t the normal method of thought, but how do I explain it to her without hurting her feelings, I’m just not into bodily fluids.


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.
> 
> I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.
> 
> ...


Have you told her this?


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

No I haven’t


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> No I haven’t


Why not?


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

I’m afraid she won’t understand, as most probably don’t .


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

V109 said:


> I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.
> 
> I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.
> 
> ...


What did you tell the women before her? Or did you just avoid it?


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> I’m afraid she won’t understand, as most probably don’t .


How old are you both? Aren’t you worried she is going to question why you won’t do it?


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

My first wife knew and didn’t seem to have any issues with it, she was reserved a lot like I am.


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

AllyCat702 said:


> How old are you both? Aren’t you worried she is going to question why you won’t do it?


I’m 41 she’s 39

she’s already questioning it and I’m afraid she won’t understand


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> I’m 41 she’s 39
> 
> she’s already questioning it and I’m afraid she won’t understand


Is it the moisture that grosses you out?


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

No

it’s just that I find it sorta gross to put my mouth in a place another man has ejaculated in before.


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> No
> 
> it’s just that I find it sorta gross to put my mouth in a place another man has ejaculated in before.


But you are married and that’s not going to happen ever again and she showers.


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

AllyCat702 said:


> But you are married and that’s not going to happen ever again and she showers.


Right.

but it still is what comes to mind every time sex is mentioned.

I have no desire to ever experience oral, giving or receiving.

evidently she’s fond of both as much as she brings the subject up.


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> Right.
> 
> but it still is what comes to mind every time sex is mentioned.
> 
> ...


You don’t think you could let her try once?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Well it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. I like giving and receiving but my wife isn’t into receiving anymore. That’s fine.

If a woman outright refused to ever give oral it would depend on how good she was in the sack and what else she was into.

Clearly she likes it if she’s asking for it. If you waited your whole life for her are you going to risk it for some mental block you have? I wouldn’t.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I have always read you can get help with this. Sounds like you need to do some reading and maybe find a sex therapist.


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

AllyCat702 said:


> You don’t think you could let her try once?


Absolutely not.

I just dunno why this subject wasn’t brought up before between us.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, this is the sort of thing you should have discussed with her before marriage, not sprung on her after. Were you two not sexually active prior to your marriage?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This really is something that should have been discussed LONG before marriage. You are both at fault for that. So, now you have to talk to her and you need to be prepared that she will be very unhappy and possibly end the marriage.


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

I don’t wanna lose her , but the more I think about her past partners the more aversion I have to the idea.


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

V109 said:


> I don’t wanna lose her , but the more I think about her past partners the more aversion I have to the idea.


do you have past partners?


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

how do I tell her that I’ll never give her oral without being mean about it ?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

V109 said:


> I don’t wanna lose her , but the more I think about her past partners the more aversion I have to the idea.


Do you kiss her? Other men's penises have most likely been there, and ejaculated in there. How is oral sex any different? 

If you don't want to lose her then you really should find a therapist and try to work on this issue, unless she's fine with a very bland sex life.


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

Yes.

multiple , but always used a condom and no oral at all


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

bobert said:


> Do you kiss her? Other men's penises have most likely been there, and ejaculated in there. How is oral sex any different?
> 
> If you don't want to lose her then you really should find a therapist and try to work on this issue, unless she's fine with a very bland sex life.


kiss ? Yes !

I try not to think about that, your not helping lol


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

V109 said:


> how do I tell her that I’ll never give her oral without being mean about it ?


You tell her that you have this issue, and that it has been an issue in all of your relationships, but you found a therapist and are going to work on it.

If you don't want to fix the issue for her, then let her go.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

V109 said:


> kiss ? Yes !
> 
> I try not to think about that, your not helping lol


So why can't you apply the same logic down below?


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## AllyCat702 (May 30, 2021)

You think she would leave you over this? Doesn’t she love you?


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

bobert said:


> You tell her that you have this issue, and that it has been an issue in all of your relationships, but you found a therapist and are going to work on it.
> 
> If you don't want to fix the issue for her, then let her go.


Is there such therapy for this ?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

V109 said:


> Yes.
> 
> multiple , but always used a condom and no oral at all


So you're saying you've never had sex without a condom? Even in a monogamous long-term relationship? Is that because of your aversion to fluids/"germs"?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

V109 said:


> Yes.
> 
> multiple , but always used a condom and no oral at all


You should have talked to her about this much sooner in the relationship and you shouldn't put it off any longer. She may regret being with someone that refuse to engage in any kind of oral sex. That is a very common sexual act in a relationship and is almost assumed that it will happen. To be told after getting married that you will never give or receive. You can't hide it thought, she will press and you will need to talk about it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

V109 said:


> Is there such therapy for this ?


Of course. There is therapy for pretty much everything. I'm guessing you'd want a sex therapist.

_Temporarily_, I suppose you could try dental dams - if those are still a thing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

V109 said:


> Yes.
> 
> multiple , but always used a condom and no oral at all


You poor thing. Never experienced actually feeling the inside of a woman. That is by far one of the biggest perks of a LTR.


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## V109 (Aug 6, 2021)

By doing oral on a woman that’s had other lovers would make me feel gay, just by proximity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

V109 said:


> I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.
> 
> I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.
> 
> ...


You just need to tell her and it's up to her if she thinks it's important enough to stay or not.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

V109 said:


> By doing oral on a woman that’s had other lovers would make me feel gay, just by proximity.


Wtf? Don't be such a homophobe...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> You tell her that you have this issue, and that it has been an issue in all of your relationships, but you found a therapist and are going to work on it.
> 
> If you don't want to fix the issue for her, then let her go.


He needs to find out how important or not it is to her first. It may not be a breaking up issue to her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

V109 said:


> By doing oral on a woman that’s had other lovers would make me feel gay, just by proximity.


_The Gay_ is not contagious. Just FYI.

OP, the more you talk, the more firmly I'm convinced that a therapist would do you a world of good.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> Wtf? Don't be such a homophobe...


He can't help how he feels!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Well it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. I like giving and receiving but my wife isn’t into receiving anymore. That’s fine.
> 
> If a woman outright refused to ever give oral it would depend on how good she was in the sack and what else she was into.
> 
> Clearly she likes it if she’s asking for it. If you waited your whole life for her are you going to risk it for some mental block you have? I wouldn’t.


It wouldn't for me either. Having a really good man is always my absolute priority over anything he would or wouldn't do in sex. 
If she loves you enough I doubt she would leave you. After all she married you without having had oral sex.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

V109 said:


> By doing oral on a woman that’s had other lovers would make me feel gay, just by proximity.


Why is oral different than regular intercourse? Same penis, different holes. You have some serious personal issues to deal with. I can't help but feel that by not disclosing these things to her you have lied and probably cheated her out of a normal sexual relationship with her husband.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> He can't help how he feels!


Perhaps not. But a good therapist can actually help a willing client make some pretty impressive changes to 'how he feels!' 

Finding your wife unclean because she's been sexually active before you, and imagining that somehow it's gay if your bits touch bits that another guy has touched, are not entirely rational mental constructs. Particularly not when you're middle aged. And you've chosen to marry a woman who has been married before. _And_ you've been married before as well.

OP should have been man enough to be upfront about his "concerns" _before_ he married his wife. He wasn't. But he needs to be honest and upfront now. She needs to understand that they will never have a sex life that involves oral - or, apparently, sex without using condoms. She may be just fine with that. But, a lot of women wouldn't be, not long-term. He needs to be aware of that and prepared for it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

V109 said:


> I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.
> 
> I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.
> 
> ...


It is *really* too bad you didn't have this discussion with her before marriage. I suspect you wouldnt be married to her if you had. Unfortunately, I really doubt your "explaining" is going to help at all. Think how it would be if the shoe were on the other foot. Imagine you thought when you married that nothing was off of the table, and now suddenly you discover that maybe what you enjoyed most is never going to happen again. Wouldn't you think you had been deceived? Especially for a woman, taking oral off of the agenda may be the same as telling her she will never have an orgasm again.

Is there any possibility that you could lose this germaphobe attitude through some education? Are you aware that scientists say a woman's vulva is cleaner by far than her mouth? The natural excretions "down there" are designed by nature to kill bacteria and fungus. You don't have any compunction about kissing do you? You do realize that some other man's (mens) equipment has (have) been in her mouth right? 

There are husbands on here complaining that their wife won't ALLOW their husbands to go down on them and/or won't go down on the husband. You have a wife enthusiastic about both and wondering how to convince her otherwise.. Somehow people have to at least have the conversation before tying the knot with someone they aren't compatible with.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

V109 said:


> how do I tell her that I’ll never give her oral without being mean about it ?


You can't. It is going to be a HUGE shock to her that she married one of the few men who unilaterally takes oral sex off of agenda. You are aware that a lot of women are unable to climax without oral stimulation of their clitoris aren't you? You may be trying to tell her that she will never climax with her husband. How do you think she will respond to that?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

V109 said:


> I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.
> 
> I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.
> 
> ...


Well, you've got a serious problem. You're just going to have to get over all that. Period. 

This isn't just any person this is your W. You're already swapping all of each others cooties by being in the same house, bedroom, bathroom, kitchen even. Sex only with a condom at this stage?

Get over your issues or she'll get over you. Do not think she won't tire of your issues.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

V109 said:


> kiss ? Yes !
> 
> I try not to think about that, your not helping lol


Sir, your self created problem is in no way lighthearted or a laughing matter. If you don't get over yourself you'll lose her, and should. 

You bait and switched her. Don't think you didn't.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Have you been on this forum before? We had another poster in the past with this EXACT issue.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

V109 said:


> I don’t wanna lose her , but the more I think about her past partners the more aversion I have to the idea.


Dude, those things are long in the past.... get over it. Your view of this is different than 99% of other men.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

V109 said:


> No
> 
> it’s just that I find it sorta gross to put my mouth in a place another man has ejaculated in before.


you realize like every 7 days most of your body is completely regenerated.

SO on top of soap.... there aren't even her cells left that touched somebodies elses stuff.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> You can't. It is going to be a HUGE shock to her that she married one of the few men who unilaterally takes oral sex off of agenda. You are aware that a lot of women are unable to climax without oral stimulation of their clitoris aren't you? You may be trying to tell her that she will never climax with her husband. How do you think she will respond to that?


It doesn't have to be oral. Most need clitoral stimulation but there are vibes and such as well.

It doesn't have to be the end all be all. But it is certainly important enough he should have disclosed before marriage. 

Did you two not have sex before marriage?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

V109 said:


> kiss ? Yes !
> 
> I try not to think about that, your not helping lol


You were asked if "you kiss her"?

That if you do, that her mouth has had numerous other men's units in her mouth over the years (you said she was "promiscuous") which means her lips (from your perspective have "germs") as well as the inside of her mouth has seen its share of "germs" (other men's semen) as well.

You confirmed that you do "kiss her".

It was then pointed out that if you do why would her mouth be any different than her vagina?

You said "I try not to think about that, you're not helping lol"??

Why don't you think about it, and don't deflect, because this isn't kind of like it ....nope. It's the EXACT same thing for crying out loud!!!

As others have pointed out as well....the time to discuss this was before the two of you got married.

Maybe it might behoove you to get some counseling so that you can confront why you don't want to "think about it" and better yet....actually THINK ABOUT IT and see that there's no difference. 

Your marriage could be at stake.

You can't change what you won't confront.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

V109 said:


> Absolutely not.
> 
> I just dunno why this subject wasn’t brought up before between us.


Personally, I am conflicted about your situation.

One of my favorite stories goes something like a guy is reluctant to let the woman he loves give him oral. She really wants it. She finally says to him that "she is a big girl and if she is concerned about his penis not being clean, she will wash it until she feels comfortable with it. She then looks him in the eys and asks if she should gargle with a mouthwash before she starts, but this is something she wants." The other side of the story is your body is yours, just like hers is hers, so neither of you should force each other to do things you are not comfortable with.

If you just can't do it. Ask her if there isn't something else kinky she would like to try instead, and then man-up and do that for her. My advice is try to do it at least once and then tell her afterwards that there are other things you would rather do if it still horrifies you.

Good luck.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

V109 said:


> No
> 
> it’s just that I find it sorta gross to put my mouth in a place another man has ejaculated in before.


Given that I think you should avoid ever kissing her on the lips/mouth.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

V109 said:


> I recently married a woman that I’ve known and lusted after “wanted” for 2 decades.
> 
> I knew her in high school and always wanted a chance with her, back in those days she was quite promiscuous through school into her late 20’s before settling down and being married for 10 plus years before divorcing.
> 
> ...


You need to just tell her what you said here. I mean she surely knows you're a germaphobe by now. A lot of guys don't like oral anyway just like a lot of women don't like oral either. You might also think about two possible things that may or may not make it more palatable to you. 

One is you might do it through something thin and slippery like cling wrap so that you're not touching but she can still feel you. You might could wet the cling wrap to make it more authentic. 

The other is you might consider whether there's any type of cleansing she could do that would make you feel it was cleaner. But yeah you can certainly avoid the fluids just by using something like cling wrap as a barrier. So first explain to her your germ problem with it and acknowledge that you know it's not necessarily rational and don't include the part about because she's been with other men but just leave it at you don't like fluids. Plenty of people don't like fluids although most of them will at least try it and maybe do it once in awhile. 

I think you can find a workaround. Good luck.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

V109 said:


> No
> 
> it’s just that I find it sorta gross to put my mouth in a place another man has ejaculated in before.


I assume you kiss her...you do realize other men have shot their loads there too right...


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

V109 said:


> how do I tell her that I’ll never give her oral without being mean about it ?


You don’t. Or you just accept the idea that you’re going to get dumped or cheated on or both.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You’re honestly asking here if there’s help for this??


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

V109, I'm gonna go in a different direction here. 

I think there is a deeper problem. Do you have OCD? Are there other things in your life that you "cant" do because you think you'll run into germs? Like, I've seen some documentaries with germaphobe OCD patients. A lot of them had quirks that seemed really odd to the general population, but to these people, it was their way of staying "clean". For example, one guy would never touch anything nor open his right hand around anyone since he didn't want the world's germs to get on it. He basically went around and lived his life doing things as if he didnt have a right arm. Another guy couldn't take a piss or dump in a toilet. Any toilet. Not even his at his own house because he can't stand the germs that are on toilets. Like, he thought the germs would jump up off thr toilet onto him. He'd get up amd leave his house to do his business in the woods every time. 

Your specific reasons for your aversion to oral sex sound like OCD to me.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

To each their own, but I never could really fully understand it..

Just tell her, or never do it and she'll probably get the idea...I wouldn't dump any woman because she didn't like giving head, most can't do it right anyway, and I bet most women say the same about men...I find it almost impossible to believe that any woman that was really into a guy would call this a deal breaker, but who knows?

I agree with Diana here....She married the guy without him going down on her..

I guess I can get on board with those that say he perhaps should have mentioned it early on,.but let's face it, it would be a hideously uncomfortable convo...

I don't necessarily think its fair to call him out on it, people like/dislike what they like/dislike....I think some of the reasoning is crazy...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

everyone has the right to their own preferences and boundaries etc and you have the right to not do what you don't want to do. 

But remember she also has the right to seek what she does want. If she wants to have a sex life that includes enthusiastic oral sex, then you are going to be at a big disadvantage and it is within her right to move on and find some guy that does enjoy oral sex.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

V109 said:


> By doing oral on a woman that’s had other lovers would make me feel gay, just by proximity.


Wait, so getting up close and personal with a vagina makes you gay? You have that confused with a penis. Getting up close and personal with a vagina makes you _straight_.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Are you gay? It seems the root of this… is worrying about other men?? 

Im serious.


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