# Longest period in your marriage without sex



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Going through a long drought now. I know a lot of people are here for the same reasons as me, intimacy/sex issues. Just curious how long is the longest. My wife and I are in our longest drought currently and wondering on a scale of bad how bad it is.


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## regulardude (Jul 6, 2014)

For me it was probably a few months after our first child was born. I have a friend who went through a 5 year drought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I was married for 20 years (divorced now, thank God). I was HD, married to a very LD partner. The longest we went without sex was a little more than 2 years. 

I am in a VERY happy long-term relationship now, sex almost daily. Looking back now at the state of my marriage, it was insanity.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can soooo relate...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Over a year twice longest about 14 months


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For me, somewhere between 5 to 6 weeks.

That was horrible for our marriage, we fought over everything and just about divorced. I remember my wifee leaving for her parents place and told me, she doesn't know if she is coming back....I was shaking and didn't know what to do. I went to bed, she came back late that evening, cuddled up to me and said she was sorry and even that her parents told her to communicate with me instead of nothing and then all at once. Once we bought our place, got kitty and our own vehicles, all the troubles disappeared because we have each other and our space when needed.

Now the longest we go without sex is 1 week. At one full week, I start going stir crazy and get really *****y, my balls ache, and I get tingly, hot and cold flashes. After sex, all gone.

So I try for 3x week as our compromise and for the most part, it works. I am HD and could have sex every day. She is LD or was LD and could have sex 1x month.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Should have mentioned in my initial post we are 6+ months now, closer to 7. Wife I think can go without indefinitely. Not sure if it's just her or if it's that she takes Zoloft, which she was on when I met her.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

This most definitely has to do with the fact that we are in our early 20s, and have only been married 2 years, but after we had our baby, we couldn't wait longer than 4 weeks. Other than that, a week at the very most and that's seldom.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. No intimacy in a marriage is never good. I realize that and never take it away from my husband no matter what he does.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

A few months with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancy. I was on bed rest and PiV wasn't allowed.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

There is drought, and there is living in the desert. Previous posters have not even come close.


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## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

Rick3 said:


> Should have mentioned in my initial post we are 6+ months now, closer to 7. Wife I think can go without indefinitely. Not sure if it's just her or if it's that she takes Zoloft, which she was on when I met her.


Rick, I'm not saying this is your wife's case but I took Zoloft after having my son and it immediately killed my sex drive. Like from every other day to zero. I mean it was GONE! A week after I stopped taking it I went back to every other day... might be worth looking into.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

At the most it has been a few months at a time due to being away (Army). Plus there was a brief break following our youngest being born due to my wife requiring some stitches (natural birth aside from the epidural). Otherwise the longest time without sex has been a week and a half to two weeks, which at the time was a noticeable change from the usual. Which we both addressed rather promptly over a holiday just after Christmas.

If my wife and I no longer desired having sex together for an extended period of time and could not find a way to reconcile this we would both end up divorce and sharing sex with different partners.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hello Rick3,

I am sorry to read that your wife and you are going without sex for a long time.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Just shy of a year - may as well call it a year. That was a few years ago - I decided to see how long it would take before she initialized. At month 11 I concluded indefinitely - she would live a completely abstinent life if it were up to her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Rick3 said:


> Should have mentioned in my initial post we are 6+ months now, closer to 7. Wife I think can go without indefinitely. Not sure if it's just her or if it's that she takes Zoloft, which she was on when I met her.


That's a long time. I take it you have talked to her about it and she says she has no desire? She should still be satisfying you even if she has no desire. Zoloft may well be the reason your wife has no sexual driver. I have read that happens to some people who take Zoloft and other anti depresents.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

A couple weeks and I was about to rip my hair out.

I would never go a month or more. (Unless for pregnancy, travel, or medical issues of course.)

After a month I'd be packing his bags and kicking his rear to the curb.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

My wife and I currently on our record streak. We are coming up on 10 months. Having a 4-month-old is exhausting but still the drought has worn on me. At first, I was going nuts and masturbating 3 times a day. Now, I do not really care. Her lack of interest has rubbed off on me.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. I never win anything but I think I win this poll.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> Wow. I never win anything but I think I win this poll.


Congratulations.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I understand bedrest during pregnancy, as well as recuperation after. I also understand other medical problems preventing sex, since my husband and I both have some problems that occasionally put us in "off cycles" with each other. I'd say our longest "drought" was about 1 1/2 months? I was fortunate that I didn't have any restrictions on sexual intercourse during pregnancy. We had sex up to a few days before I had each baby. And we barely waited 2 weeks after to resume. This was as much him wanting as me. 

I just cannot fathom waiting 4 months after having a baby and STILL not having sex. Yea, it's exhausting. Getting up every night to breastfeed, change diapers, etc. All the care of the baby while husband is at work all day. Still, I cannot understand NOT having sex when the doctor has cleared her.

As for the rest who have been many more months, even years, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine. I couldn't put up with that length of time without any sexual contact with my husband.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Not counting a difficult pregnancy, I would say we were lucky if we averaged once a month. Occasionally it would be once every two months. Not a good time in our marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Three weeks was the absolute longest and it was at the very end before we separated/things were bad. Together about 8 years.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Longest period in my marriage without sex *with my wife* was about 25-26 months. After the first 13 months I had an affair. If I knew then what I know now (through therapy) it would have been less than a month of no sex. Live and learn.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

First marriage, about 2 years. This one, a couple of weeks when she was away for a few months taking a course.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There was a time for 2 - 3 months where we didn't have sex when my wife was pregnant with our second, so that's a special circumstance.

Under normal circumstances, the longest was almost 2 weeks when I was out of the country in the UK. If that's counted as a special circumstance then...

When I'm home (no travel) and no special issues pertaining to health, longest is 4 - 5 days from the day she starts her period (including day 1 of her cycle).


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Three times at around the year mark (pregnancies, plus a few months for good measure) and one stretch for about nine months--no pregnancy that time, she just didn't wanna.


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## Rosey (Oct 4, 2013)

7 months, husband says he has no urges for anyone. I found out months ago he was into porn, video sex who knows what else.
I thought we were trying to build our marriage and get on fine except he doesn't want me, he even said last week to find someone else.
He's not having an affair, he doesn't have the time, I've done the checks so what do I do. We just aren't close.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> My wife and I currently on our record streak. We are coming up on 10 months. Having a 4-month-old is exhausting but still the drought has worn on me. At first, I was going nuts and masturbating 3 times a day. Now, I do not really care. Her lack of interest has rubbed off on me.


I'm sad to say this is the way I feel as well. It's hard to want someone who doesn't want you in return.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

For me, the longest was a month and a half.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

There's people on this site who have went over 10 years, with zero sex, zero affection, zero intimacy. Not even a hand hold.

Back when my sex rate was up, I could not fanthom being reduced to twice a week. It would have been physically painful.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Not counting pregnancy......around 6 weeks.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> My wife and I currently on our record streak. We are coming up on 10 months. Having a 4-month-old is exhausting but still the drought has worn on me. At first, I was going nuts and masturbating 3 times a day. Now, I do not really care. Her lack of interest has rubbed off on me.


Has anyone who had their interest level dropped for them, by being with someone who doesn't desire them been able to have it restored as good or better than before with someone who does desire them?

I was just hoping coming out of these things, that there isn't a psychological problem preventing it from coming back.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

We tried scheduling sex to resolve her low drive. That only worked for a few years. At this point the stress and tension around the sex topic has become more than either of us can handle. You might say that her lack of interest has evolved into an active avoidance. My willingness to pursue is not high enough to surpass her resistance. So I'm contemplating the idea of going without. Now a few weeks of that have indeed made me a bear to live with. The good news is that without the expectation of regular sex she has been able to relax enough to offer sex. I know seems backwards. If I can just get to a point where I am not so ornery I think we may have a workable situation.
To answer the question outside of special situations 14 days was the record. There is some hope of settling in at a level between 14 and 30 days, which is a reduction for both of us but if it increases peace and affection I think I'm for it.
MN


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Around 4months. 

After around 2weeks of no sex I catch myself ogling other women and fantasising about having sex with them. 

I've scared myself recently by beginning to weigh up cheating opportunities. Not cool. Warning flags gone up.

Have chatted to my wife today about how I feel our intimacy lack is starting to impact on our relationship. Did not mention my thoughts as it would only create argument s and dissatisfaction. 

I hope something changes because I dont want celibacy, divorce or cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I can't help feeling it is such a shame, that some (women and men) here and even a friend I went to school with. Choose to rationalise and accept marital celibacy or something close to it.

I also find it hard to believe that those who try before they buy, were really paying attention when their man or woman suddenly changed post marriage.

If you are experienced it's pretty easy to spot fake a fake orgasm since a real one has some obvious tells that cannot be faked. Likewise a sex frequency of 3-5 times a week in the first 3-6 months of a relationship is not a harbinger of a lot of marital sex. If you are playing 7++ times a week in the early stages of your relationship you may have frequent marital sex as well. As long as your partner is brutally honest, enjoys the experience, i.e. orgasms frequently when they have sex with you. Plus gets on with you and finds you attractive and everything else that's nice as well.

Of course the same applies to those who save themselves for the marital bed, kitchen table etc. The only difference is that in terms of sexual compatibility, one has won the lottery when it works out. Whereas trying before you buy affords an opportunity to trial their compatibility with their potential long term and or lifetime mate. With the caveat of paying attention and having ones eyes open to how sex is really working or otherwise. Don't fool yourself, just because you're having great sex. Though the sex may be working for you it may not be working for your partner.

As to cheating, celibacy, divorce etc, I can't bring myself to congratulate or respect cheating, I can understand it though since such behaviour isn't new and it seems to be something so many of us are capable of. I also believe it is crazy to tolerate celibacy or almost celibacy in a marriage. If I weren't getting frequent sex in my marriage (15 years, 2 months so far) and it cannot be reasonably resolved I would either divorce my wife or renegotiate our sexual marital relationship in order to have an open marriage. Either way I would not accept or rationalise a celibate lifestyle as a married man.

Fortunately so far for my wife and I we enjoy plenty of sex with pleasant frequency; 7 times last week (twice on two days so it wasn't every day), With none this week so far (Monday morning). We tried before we bought and found each other acceptable, my wife enjoyed the first orgasms in her life from a man with me 18 years ago.

Yet the sex we enjoy today doesn't happen by accident despite the fact we don't keep a sex diary (excepting last week) and share sex together when we feel like it. We had a sexual blip around last Christmas where we hadn't had sex for a week and a half, two weeks. We then addressed this, sorted ourselves out and went back to normal. If this went for a month and couldn't be resolved we would now be; separated and having sex with other partners, or having sex with other partners while having an open marriage.

I know that some here believe that women aren't sexual and therefore quite readily go without sex. I honestly don't see this or experience this. Women enjoy sex as men enjoy it, likewise some men don't enjoy sex as some women don't.

Though this may be unpalatable to consider some men and women are really quite lame at sex and fail to get their partners off at all or in a way that they enjoy. If sex is dull or unpleasant for a spouse they may stop having sex with their partner because they simply loath the experience. That doesn't mean they hate sex it just means they hate sex with you.

Fortunately some partners love each other enough to address this problem and work together to make this situation better. Unfortunately some partners have grown to loathe each other enough to never resolve this problem.

I think it's heartbreaking that some of you are not having sex and or making love with your spouses frequently or at all.

Yet I think it's far worse that some of you accept it and live celibate lifestyles with a spouse who is no better than a house/flat mate or are far worse than that. If your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you or even touch you for a long time, it's fair to presume they loathe you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Almost a year


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Four months, or slightly longer.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Nine years in my first marriage. She use to tell people in public in front of me "I would not care of it healed up and haired over." Painful to be embarrassed in front of my friends. Really tainted my impression that women *REALLY *did not want sex!

Better now. A month is about max, but it is pretty common. But that sure does beat years and years.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Personal, thanks. It was miserable, she slept in the buff and rejected even the most minor touch.

I am working hard to overcome my experience. This last drought is due to travel for work. She comes home tomorrow, but she will be exhausted. And her cycle should begin very soon. So, it will be a little while longer. Still, can't wait to see her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

7 years.. no sex, no affection, no intimacy


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Personal said:


> I also find it hard to believe that those who try before they buy, were really paying attention when their man or woman suddenly changed post marriage.



We had very good sex almost daily for the 5 years before we married and for the first few years after we married. There was no indication of what was to come.

Then he stated to get mean in every way. One day he just announced at our sex life was over.


A large number of sexless marriages are not caused by LD or other sexual dysfunction. They are caused by angry people who use a passive aggressive way of punishing their spouse.


Personal said:


> Yet I think it's far worse that some of you accept it and live celibate lifestyles with a spouse who is no better than a house/flat mate or are far worse than that. If your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you or even touch you for a long time, it's fair to presume they loathe you.


I agree. I know that he loathed me. I tried to leave once it was clear that there was chance to get our marriage back to a good place. There was a legal issues related to child custody and I would not leave and give up custody of my son to what had become an angry, abusive man.

Not everyone in an sexless marriage has accepted it. It can take time to untangle.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

EleGirl,

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I can't agree with you more. Sometimes there is no indication of what is to come.

Seven years, so sorry. ((hug)) my sympathy.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Has anyone who had their interest level dropped for them, by being with someone who doesn't desire them been able to have it restored as good or better than before with someone who does desire them?
> 
> I was just hoping coming out of these things, that there isn't a psychological problem preventing it from coming back.


I do not know about others but for myself, it is more of a survival mechanism. It does me no favors to want it. Why get worked up when the other could not care less? So, instead I just ride my bike a lot and focus on our 4-month old.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Longer than most pets live.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I do not know about others but for myself, it is more of a survival mechanism. It does me no favors to want it. Why get worked up when the other could not care less? So, instead I just ride my bike a lot and focus on our 4-month old.


But don't you worry that your "sex", YOUR LIFE has been stolen from you or controlled by the wife or soon to be ex?

Aren't you scared, now that that drive which was flowing which was alive, which responded to the world around it has now been reduced and might not ever come back? 

Doesn't it kind of feel like castration to you?

In some hard situations, I am ok with the taking on of a lover. If two people decide together that they are not going to be having sex and that they shouldn't prevent the other from having a sex life, then this "cheating" circumstance would not be so bad.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Been 14 months, and before the last encounter, it was 17 months. Three times in 3 1/2 years. That's what happens when your partner's sex drive is absolute zero.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

soulseer said:


> Around 4months.
> 
> After around 2weeks of no sex I catch myself ogling other women and fantasising about having sex with them.
> 
> ...


I know about oogling other women - my assistant is wearing a dress showing some cleavage, and I'm sitting here fantasizing about hiking her skirt up and going at it (no, I'm not going to do anything remotely close to that - this is a strictly professional employer/employee relationship).


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

In just a couple short months it will be 2 years for me  For some reason that threshold scares me. I was dumbfounded at a year, got used to it, and now once again am afraid of the next whole number. Now it's not one singular year, it's TWO. 



EleGirl said:


> A large number of sexless marriages are not caused by LD or other sexual dysfunction. They are caused by angry people who use a passive aggressive way of punishing their spouse.


YES. So agree. Sometimes sexlessness is a secondary symptom of something bigger. Definitely the situation for me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Adeline said:


> In just a couple short months it will be 2 years for me  For some reason that threshold scares me. I was dumbfounded at a year, got used to it, and now once again am afraid of the next whole number. Now it's not one singular year, it's TWO.
> 
> 
> 
> YES. So agree. Sometimes sexlessness is a secondary symptom of something bigger. Definitely the situation for me.


We really do a dinger on our mind by overanalyzing the sexlessness.

And we fix it by having sex with someone who wants it with us.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

treyvion said:


> But don't you worry that your "sex", YOUR LIFE has been stolen from you or controlled by the wife or soon to be ex?
> 
> Aren't you scared, now that that drive which was flowing which was alive, which responded to the world around it has now been reduced and might not ever come back?
> 
> ...


I do have times where I feel that part of me is sitting on a shelf waiting to be put back into use. Hopefully after years after disuse, it will start up again and be ready to go again. 

Every now and then, my mind wanders but it is simply beating myself up to get worked up and let it go any further.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I do have times where I feel that part of me is sitting on a shelf waiting to be put back into use. Hopefully after years after disuse, it will start up again and be ready to go again.
> 
> Every now and then, my mind wanders but it is simply beating myself up to get worked up and let it go any further.


You deserve to have a more than adequate sex life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Personal,
Thanks so much for your posts. FYI at the 15 year mark things looked pretty good. This year makes 27. Open contract marriage won't work for me. I don't see it as the option you do. It's settle or get out.
MN


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> Longer than most pets live.


I count the passage of time in dog years. It makes the sexual dead zone that is my marriage seem less severe and keeps down the homicidal urges. Somewhat.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Been married 22 years. 

Twice I've gone out of town for a week at a time. 
Both of has have had surgery's which put us out of commission for perhaps a week.
Then, there was the birth of our children.. put her out of commission for a week or so..

The longest period... when we were both healthy and together. Maybe 3 days... No more than that.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

hambone said:


> Been married 22 years.
> 
> Twice I've gone out of town for a week at a time.
> Both of has have had surgery's which put us out of commission for perhaps a week.
> ...


showoff


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

hambone said:


> Been married 22 years.
> 
> Twice I've gone out of town for a week at a time.
> Both of has have had surgery's which put us out of commission for perhaps a week.
> ...


would you say you have a good relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

It will be 6 years next month. My wife could careless.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

hambone said:


> Been married 22 years.
> 
> Twice I've gone out of town for a week at a time.
> Both of has have had surgery's which put us out of commission for perhaps a week.
> ...


Huge spectrum here guys / gals. And there seems to be a huge spectrum after child birth. Wow, was it a C section or vaginal delivery. Tearing with vaginal delivery seems to add some time though.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

We went 3 1/2 years with no sex at all, and the previous 8 or so had dwindled to Christmas and birthday only.

However, we have managed to get things back on track and whilst the sex is not great or as frequent as I would like, at least it is acceptable. So there is hope!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

salespro said:


> It will be 6 years next month. My wife could careless.


Go get some p0ssy! :smthumbup:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Huge spectrum here guys / gals. And there seems to be a huge spectrum after child birth. Wow, was it a C section or vaginal delivery. Tearing with vaginal delivery seems to add some time though.[/QU
> 
> I appreciate your concern... Our docs, at least mine, have always stated that once the post childbirth bleeding has stopped, intercourse is welcome......I have had 4 babies vaginally and once everything is back to normal...like 7-10 days..I am all over my husband....


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I know about oogling other women - my assistant is wearing a dress showing some cleavage, and I'm sitting here fantasizing about hiking her skirt up and going at it (no, I'm not going to do anything remotely close to that - this is a strictly professional employer/employee relationship).


...and masturbation never seems to release tension for very long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

soulseer said:


> ...and masturbation never seems to release tension for very long.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's just tension for you? It's not the feeling of affirmation from your woman as a man allowing you to penetrate her? What about that?


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

2 years last week..... new record....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

18 months was my longest.

I'm currently in about a 4 week drought. I love her to death but with each passing day I hate her more and more. Doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I hope you find a solution.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

sinnister said:


> 18 months was my longest.
> 
> I'm currently in about a 4 week drought. I love her to death but with each passing day I hate her more and more. Doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I hope you find a solution.


I am sorry Sinnister and it DOES make sense. Can she feel your resentment? I mean if she feels it, does she ask you what's wrong? :scratchhead:


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Longest ... 3.5 years. Current streak 1 year, 1 week and 1 day.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Longest ... 3.5 years. Current streak 1 year, 1 week and 1 day.


Oh Gosh I am sorry  Does your wife realize that this is not normal?


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## Little Lion (Jun 30, 2014)

Sigh.....going on month 3 right now


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> Oh Gosh I am sorry  Does your wife realize that this is not normal?


We are having this conversation right now ... this one is the come to jesus talk. I sat her down on Tuesday after my MIL left town, she then ignored me for a couple of days so I forced the conversation again tonight. It ended something along the lines of:

HER: You don't care how I feel
ME: Yes, I do
HER: No, you don't
ME: Yes, I do
HER: No, you don't
ME: Well, we are at an impasse then. If you can't believe that I care how you feel then we don't have the basis for an intimate relationship.
HER: Ok, then just leave.
ME: Ok.

... ok, not in those exact words but that is pretty much how it ended. Crazy.

To put things in context, this is the same conversation we had many times in the FIRST year of our marriage, twenty one years ago. She just has this barrier that I can't get past and she has always had it. She is exactly the same way with her family. Now, maybe there is something about me ... and certainly there were times that I didn't listen to her over 21 years ... that makes her unable to put that barrier down with me but it is difficult because she has that barrier with everybody. 

I later passed by the office and she was in there on facebook. I made the point that this was the same conversation we had in our first year and she agreed. I then asked her if she ever considered that I've stayed through all this because I care about how she feels and I want to be with her. I brought up some of the more poignant examples that demonstrate how much I care because for the examples she has where I've made mistakes, there are countless examples to the contrary. She just said ... "I'm pathetic" ... and started sobbing. I told her that she wasn't pathetic but the problem is that at some point I just have to say enough is enough, we can't go on like this any longer. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to you either.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> We are having this conversation right now ... this one is the come to jesus talk. I sat her down on Tuesday after my MIL left town, she then ignored me for a couple of days so I forced the conversation again tonight. It ended something along the lines of:
> 
> HER: You don't care how I feel
> ME: Yes, I do
> ...



Have you or her family identified her barrier? Is she a first born or an only child?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

over20 said:


> Have you or her family identified her barrier? Is she a first born or an only child?


No, she is the last child but in a broken home. Alcoholic father, absent mother, divorced early on. Her mom was raped in her early twenties, became pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. My wife never knew she had a second and "oldest" sister until we were already married. She and her older sister (the one she knew) pretty much fended for themselves. Her mom had a revolving door of lovers in the house, many of them female.

I really think that her unwillingness to expose herself as vulnerable stems from those experiences.

The one sister she was raised with is a conflict avoider to the extreme and her mom is ... unique. I am sure they know that is part of their personality but it certainly isn't something they would discuss with me.

She always said she had to be the strong one in her family.

My wife is a great listener but she reveals very little of herself. In our marriage counseling, the counselor picked up on it right away ... the barrier. My wife readily admits it. You can even see it in how she uses social media. If you were a fb friend, you might see plenty of pictures of our daughters but not know anything about her. Even her texts are short and to the point ... her emails, friendly but all business. 

Sitting around the dinner table with my in-laws last week, the conversation turned to more personal things. My wife, normally a very talkative person, did not say a word. It was "deja-vu all over again." She gets a look on her face and I know she's shutting down. On another night, she was in a little pain. She sent me out to get some Advil and made sure I didn't say anything to her family about where I was going and why. Very secretive.

I really don't know who she is.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No, she is the last child but in a broken home. Alcoholic father, absent mother, divorced early on. Her mom was raped in her early twenties, became pregnant and gave the baby up for adoption. My wife never knew she had a second and "oldest" sister until we were already married. She and her older sister (the one she knew) pretty much fended for themselves. Her mom had a revolving door of lovers in the house, many of them female.
> 
> I really think that her unwillingness to expose herself as vulnerable stems from those experiences.
> 
> ...


I see, the million dollar question is does YOUR wife see that she needs help? Even to break the cycle for your children?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

The longest time with no sex in our 20+ year relationship was about 8 months. It was a dark time, with depression and resentment and exhaustion from two babies who rarely slept. 

I'm so glad those times are gone. Now it's rare to go more than three days without sex.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Lyris said:


> The longest time with no sex in our 20+ year relationship was about 8 months. It was a dark time, with depression and resentment and exhaustion from two babies who rarely slept.
> 
> I'm so glad those times are gone. Now it's rare to go more than three days without sex.


This is about where we are now with two kids and are at 7 months without. I wish things were solid before that but we've gone 2 months here and 4 months there before. 7 is our longest but it's not really surprising. The kids just kind of make it an excuse.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Rick3 said:


> This is about where we are now with two kids and are at 7 months without. I wish things were solid before that but we've gone 2 months here and 4 months there before. 7 is our longest but it's not really surprising. The kids just kind of make it an excuse.


I am sorry to hear this, does your wife realize she is using the kids as an excuse?.....I don't meant to be shallow at all....hubs and I had 4 babies in 8 yrs, we understand how hard it is.....can the two of you get away, like to a hotel from time to time to talk and make love? :scratchhead:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Longest ... 3.5 years. Current streak 1 year, 1 week and 1 day.


Man ALIVE 3.5 years? Geeeeez.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I told her that she wasn't pathetic but the problem is that at some point I just have to say enough is enough, we can't go on like this any longer. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to you either.


And let me guess....still nothing got resolved right?

I get the same fake remorse and bewilderment too. It's an act. If someone is attracted to you they will want to F you.

Some things in life really are that simple. For whatever reason in my case, I am NOT attractive to my wife. I suspect that's the issue for most of us (man OR woman) who are in this situation.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

For us roughly six weeks after the birth of each child. One time we also thought she had a terminal illness, both of us were so depressed we couldn't have sex. We were barely even eating. That was about three weeks.

I don't think I could go without for even a week if both of us were physically healthy. Well...sometimes life throws tragedy your way and we need time to grieve. Those are pretty much the only explanations I'd be willing to accept no sex.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

sinnister said:


> And let me guess....still nothing got resolved right?
> 
> I get the same fake remorse and bewilderment too. It's an act. If someone is attracted to you they will want to F you.
> 
> Some things in life really are that simple. For whatever reason in my case, I am NOT attractive to my wife. I suspect that's the issue for most of us (man OR woman) who are in this situation.


It IS that simple.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

sinnister said:


> JustSomeGuyWho said:
> 
> 
> > I told her that she wasn't pathetic but the problem is that at some point I just have to say enough is enough, we can't go on like this any longer. It isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to you either.
> ...


I wouldn't have suspected she didn't find me attractive. If I were to assign a sexual rank, she is a few rungs below me. She gives me compliments on my appearance on a somewhat regular basis. However, I can't remember exactly what she said or didn't say but there was a moment during our conversations where it crossed my mind that maybe she isn't. If it's for physical reasons then I don't know what can be done. I'm not super handsome but I'm not bad either. I'm in better shape than most guys my age. I look a lot like my younger self. Who knows? I suspect if she isn't attreacted to me it is for emotional reasons.

As far as closure or resolution, I am proceeding as planned and as I discussed with her. I do have to force the issue ... she will not do or say anything unless I force it. She will ignore it and let me remain celibate the rest of my life if I allow it.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

sinnister said:


> And let me guess....still nothing got resolved right?
> 
> I get the same fake remorse and bewilderment too. It's an act. If someone is attracted to you they will want to F you.
> 
> Some things in life really are that simple. For whatever reason in my case, I am NOT attractive to my wife. I suspect that's the issue for most of us (man OR woman) who are in this situation.


But, when you are in love with someone... you are attracted to them.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

over20 said:


> I am sorry to hear this, does your wife realize she is using the kids as an excuse?.....I don't meant to be shallow at all....hubs and I had 4 babies in 8 yrs, we understand how hard it is.....can the two of you get away, like to a hotel from time to time to talk and make love? :scratchhead:



When we had 2 small children... I got my wife a maid that came in a couple of half days a week...

And, when the kids got a little older, they went to a mother's day out program for a half day a couple of days a week..

Gotta give my some down time to recharge her batteries so she'll have energy for time with daddy!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

hambone said:


> sinnister said:
> 
> 
> > And let me guess....still nothing got resolved right?
> ...


She is not in love with me. She loves me, I know, but that is not the same thing.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Rick3 said:


> This is about where we are now with two kids and are at 7 months without. I wish things were solid before that but we've gone 2 months here and 4 months there before. 7 is our longest but it's not really surprising. The kids just kind of make it an excuse.


Same excuse mine uses. Ours just turned 3, but she claims she's too tired from dealing with the kids to have sex and won't have a few drinks to relax if we're out because the kids may wake up after we get home. 

After a while, it's actually amusing.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Rick3 said:
> 
> 
> > This is about where we are now with two kids and are at 7 months without. I wish things were solid before that but we've gone 2 months here and 4 months there before. 7 is our longest but it's not really surprising. The kids just kind of make it an excuse.
> ...


The too tired thing does sound like an excuse. I mean I could wake up after a few hours of sleep, have a tough workout, work all day, come home and do chores until bedtime and still have energy for sex ... and (back when we had sex) I would have to do all the work. I am sure she really believes she is too tired but if it was what she wanted, she would find the energy. It might be a reasonable excuse if you had sex all the time but you don't.

Could it be more about how she feels about herself? Staying home all day dealing with the chaos and sticky messes of a child with limited adult interaction probably doesn't leave her feeling all that sexy.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

She's a teacher, so she's off for the summer, but the kids still go to the sitter a few days a week, which is a good thing. In our case, she has some body image issues (she lost a bunch of weight several years back, but it's been put back on), but mostly it's due to having no sex drive whatsoever. 

Another thing that's been mentioned before and may apply to a lot of people on here that have a partner that has no sex drive - if they have friends that don't have sex with their partners, then they view themselves as normal ("so-and-so hasn't had sex in two years, so we're normal"). In my experience, which is admittedly limited, my wife has friends like this, so she thinks that us not having sex is not that big of a deal.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> The too tired thing does sound like an excuse. I mean I could wake up after a few hours of sleep, have a tough workout, work all day, come home and do chores until bedtime and still have energy for sex ... and (back when we had sex) I would have to do all the work. I am sure she really believes she is too tired but if it was what she wanted, she would find the energy. It might be a reasonable excuse if you had sex all the time but you don't.
> 
> Could it be more about how she feels about herself? Staying home all day dealing with the chaos and sticky messes of a child with limited adult interaction probably doesn't leave her feeling all that sexy.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_



People use their time and energy doing what they want to do.

When someone says, "I don't have time", what they are really sayhing is that I would rather spend my time doing other things... things that are more important tome.

Or, "I don't have money to do that"... What they are really saying is, "There are other things that I'd rather spend my money on... things that are more important to me"..

Same goes for energy... If it's a priority.. they'll make the energy available.


When someone doesn't want to do something.. they are polite and make excuses.

If they really want to do something.. they will make the time and energy available to do it.. 

These women are simply not making sex with their husbands a priority.

That's the blunt truth.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

hambone said:


> People use their time and energy doing what they want to do.
> 
> When someone says, "I don't have time", what they are really sayhing is that I would rather spend my time doing other things... things that are more important tome.
> 
> ...


Excellent summation. I'll speak from my experience - mine isn't too tired to stay up and play Facebook games until past midnight drinking a Diet Pepsi and snacking. But have sex - nope, I'm too tired. Let's get a sitter and go out to a nice dinner and drinks - nope, won't drink as that may impair me if the kids wake up, plus sleep is more important to me than sex. 

Friend of mine says the same thing about his wife - she's too tired to have sex, but not too tired to shop all day. 

It tells me that for a lot of people, sex with their spouse isn't a priority, and that's sad and selfish.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

hambone said:


> People use their time and energy doing what they want to do.
> 
> When someone says, "I don't have time", what they are really sayhing is that I would rather spend my time doing other things... things that are more important tome.
> 
> ...


... and this is why I am sure my situation cannot be fixed. If our marriage and our sex life was important to her she would not wait until I force the issue before she does anything about it. She is now blaming me for no longer wanting to try to fix it but she only wants to try to fix it when it looks like I will no longer tolerate it. It is something that has been repeated time and again. If I don't end it and try once again to fix it, I will wake up 10 years from now in a sexless marriage and will have completely wasted my opportunity to have intimacy in my life. I guarantee you that if I let things end as they did last night and don't say another word, she will do nothing and say nothing until I bring it up again.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Man ALIVE 3.5 years? Geeeeez.


That was ridiculously tough but you know that when you go a long period of time without sex, I don't know if it is any tougher to go even longer ... it reaches a point that each day is just another day like the last one and you aren't necessarily more disappointed than the day before because you know what to expect. Of course, you look back and say "3.5 years? Holy s**t!! I f*****g wasted my life!" It ended in me separating from her, partially influenced by that but primarily for other reasons. Technically it was more like 4 years because it was another 6 months after separation before we had sex again. 

Never again.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> That was ridiculously tough but you know that when you go a long period of time without sex, I don't know if it is any tougher to go even longer ... it reaches a point that each day is just another day like the last one and you aren't necessarily more disappointed than the day before because you know what to expect. Of course, you look back and say "3.5 years? Holy s**t!! I f*****g wasted my life!" It ended in me separating from her, partially influenced by that but primarily for other reasons. Technically it was more like 4 years because it was another 6 months after separation before we had sex again.
> 
> Never again.


Your done with that particular person?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

hambone said:


> People use their time and energy doing what they want to do.
> 
> When someone says, "I don't have time", what they are really sayhing is that I would rather spend my time doing other things... things that are more important tome.
> 
> ...


This applies to everything. She needs to lose weight, and says so. She started a running program, but hasn't done the work needed to stay on it, because of the kids, she says. I tell her I'll come home early so she can do it, but she says no, I don't want you to miss any work. It's not a big deal, and I can work from home if need be. Nope. She wants to eat better, but can't resist eating candy and chips. Me - don't eat chips, eat something healthy like carrots. Her - that won't fill me up. 

The priority is more instant pleasure than long-term gains in your health and relationships. Why not talk to your doctor about your lack of sex drive? Because my friends don't have sex, so I'm not abnormal. It's impossible to deal with this logic (it's like dealing with a 12 year old), so you just give up.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Your done with that particular person?


I think I have to be, if only for self-preservation, lol.

Realistically, I'll never be done with her ... we still have children to raise so she will always be in my life ... but "done" in the sense that the marriage is over, yes. I am bracing for the histrionics and potential retribution that will result when she realizes she can't make this go away by putting her head in the sand.

This is not how I planned or wanted it to go down ... but it is what it is. The one year anniversary of us not having sex came and went, she didn't care ... and that was about all I could take and I couldn't wait any longer. The second I walked into the house on Tuesday I told her I needed to talk to her privately upstairs in my room ... her response was "uh-oh".


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> This applies to everything. She needs to lose weight, and says so. She started a running program, but hasn't done the work needed to stay on it, because of the kids, she says. I tell her I'll come home early so she can do it, but she says no, I don't want you to miss any work. It's not a big deal, and I can work from home if need be. Nope. She wants to eat better, but can't resist eating candy and chips. Me - don't eat chips, eat something healthy like carrots. Her - that won't fill me up.
> 
> The priority is more instant pleasure than long-term gains in your health and relationships. Why not talk to your doctor about your lack of sex drive? Because my friends don't have sex, so I'm not abnormal. It's impossible to deal with this logic (it's like dealing with a 12 year old), so you just give up.


When people don't want to do something... they make excuses.

They make an excuse.. "I don't have time, I have to do XYZ"... you,, "I'll do XYZ for you!"

They say, "UH.. I can't afford it!" You, "I'll pay for your ticket!"

They say, "UH.. I don't have transportation!" You,, "I'll swing by and and pick you up!"

They say, "UH.. I have to help my daughter with her math home work"... You, "no problem, my daughter teaches HS Math.. I'll send her over to help your daughter!"

They Say.. "UH... I'm really tired and need my rest".. You."no problem. we'll take my motor home... you can sleep in the back"


Get the picture?


I've got a friend in the same place you are. The only time his wife can find the time and energy for sex is when her sister has another child and she's really wanting another baby.. or when my friend has threatened divorce.. And it's always temporary.

She does just enough to keep him from leaving her.

AND, her big excuse is, "None of my friends are having sex with their husbands... YOU are just over sexed..."

My friend has jumped through hoops.. hope after hoop after hoop after hoop... With always the promise that things will be different if he just jumps through one more hoop.

Why does he stay? I think it's because he loves his daughter.
Doesn't want to bust up his family. That said, he's been smart enough to not have any more children with her.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

hambone said:


> When people don't want to do something... they make excuses.
> 
> They make an excuse.. "I don't have time, I have to do XYZ"... you,, "I'll do XYZ for you!"
> 
> ...


Get what you're saying. Regarding the friends having sex, I've mentioned before about her one close friend that has sex all the time with her husband, and how DW views her as a freak. Rest of her female friends rarely have sex, and they're the normal ones to DW. 

Sympathize with your friend - I love my children to death, and this is why I won't leave now. Also have a bunch of friends that I've had for years that DW has grown close to, and if I left, those relationships would be severed forever. 

I've learned not to expect sex - the one time I was sure that we'd have sex after the kids arrived, she ended up putting on her flannel PJ's and telling me she was too tired for sex. 

Tell your friend to hang in there - there are more of us out there, and what he's dealing with isn't all that unusual, sad to say.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Its weird how similar the stories are...

Most of these could have been written by me. I'm not going anywhere until the kids get older..or so I keep telling myself. But with each passing day it gets harder to rationalize going without intimacy. There has to be a woman out there that actually wants me. I don't lack for confidence, I have a great paying job, I have no vices. The only issue is I'm overweight but that didn't stop the hot little 25 year old from making her move at work. Which I smartly (or foolishly?) rebuffed.

The time for communicating about this ish is over IMO. I'm not telling my wife a damn thing. One day I'll just be gone.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Its weird how similar the stories are...
> 
> Most of these could have been written by me. I'm not going anywhere until the kids get older..or so I keep telling myself. But with each passing day it gets harder to rationalize going without intimacy. There has to be a woman out there that actually wants me. I don't lack for confidence, I have a great paying job, I have no vices. The only issue is I'm overweight but that didn't stop the hot little 25 year old from making her move at work. Which I smartly (or foolishly?) rebuffed.
> 
> The time for communicating about this ish is over IMO. I'm not telling my wife a damn thing. One day I'll just be gone.


She'd be out of her mind to actually expect you to be faithful. She probably already assumes you're not. Why not just go for it. Tell your wife you're changing to an open marriage and just do it. She deserves it anyway.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

During a very stressed period in our marriage, just shy of 2 years. It wasn't even on her radar for a long time. When your wife tells you "The thought of you touching me like that repulses me." its really ****ed up.

We recovered the marriage but the sex life continued to struggle and not to my satisfaction. The same conversations, the same short term efforts the same frustrations cycled through. I finally tried a new strategy and told her how unhappy I was. That I don't need sex to live, but I need it to keep my tight emotional bond with her. And that if we didn't address it we would likely slip back into the same **** hole we just climbed out of. I didn't try to beg, barter or negotiate the solution. The first step was simple. "For the next 60 days, I want you to submit yourself to me when I want sexual intimacy." She complied and we've never gone back down that road again. It's been three years since that conversation and and she has declined sex with me twice in that period. We both finally understood that it was a core need for me in the marriage and not just that I needed to get off. 


The concept is simple. Respect and comply with each others needs. If we'd been doing that 15 years ago we probably wouldn't have gotten in the mess we found ourselves in.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Its weird how similar the stories are...
> 
> Most of these could have been written by me. I'm not going anywhere until the kids get older..or so I keep telling myself. But with each passing day it gets harder to rationalize going without intimacy. There has to be a woman out there that actually wants me. I don't lack for confidence, I have a great paying job, I have no vices. The only issue is I'm overweight but that didn't stop the hot little 25 year old from making her move at work. Which I smartly (or foolishly?) rebuffed.
> 
> The time for communicating about this ish is over IMO. I'm not telling my wife a damn thing. One day I'll just be gone.


My wife has talked to my friend's wife until she is blue in the face.

And, she's told her.. One of these days.. He's going to leave you... He will be DONE! at that point... you want be able to change his mind.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> During a very stressed period in our marriage, just shy of 2 years. It wasn't even on her radar for a long time. When your wife tells you "The thought of you touching me like that repulses me." its really ****ed up.
> 
> We recovered the marriage but the sex life continued to struggle and not to my satisfaction. The same conversations, the same short term efforts the same frustrations cycled through. I finally tried a new strategy and told her how unhappy I was. That I don't need sex to live, but I need it to keep my tight emotional bond with her. And that if we didn't address it we would likely slip back into the same **** hole we just climbed out of. I didn't try to beg, barter or negotiate the solution. The first step was simple. "For the next 60 days, I want you to submit yourself to me when I want sexual intimacy." She complied and we've never gone back down that road again. It's been three years since that conversation and and she has declined sex with me twice in that period. We both finally understood that it was a core need for me in the marriage and not just that I needed to get off.
> 
> ...


I wonder if that would work for me. Say look, the only way that I will consider continuing to work on it is if we agree to have sex at least once every weekend for 3 months no matter what (maybe I could aim even higher). No excuses allowed. If at the end of 3 months, you no longer want to continue with the agreement then we will go get the forms from my attorney. 

3 months is really arbitrary, the point being to put a short time-frame on it to make it more palatable for her and give me an out. There's really nothing to lose at this point. I still want to push for an amicable divorce and not make this offer but I can keep it in my back pocket if need to.

Once a week for 3 months would be more sex than we've had in a decade.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Longest period 2 x in two years....both times we conceived our children. Sex just came to a screaming halt. I will never go through that again.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Hopefully the TAM Illuminati will pass over this post without having a fit but...

Once you plan your strategy and have a time frame in mind and assuming kids are reasonably old (ie 12+) there's nothing wrong with (a) some marital fireworks (b) some airing out of laundry to family (c) some tried and true mind games (1800) and (d) making sure she knows what's going on.

It's as simple as that.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

The longest my husband and I have gone without sex is 8 weeks, after giving birth to our son. We tried at 6 weeks and 7 weeks, but it still HURT like hell, so it was a no-go. 

Other than that, I would not want to go longer than a week without sex and get antsy when we get close to the one week mark. 




hambone said:


> People use their time and energy doing what they want to do.
> 
> When someone says, "I don't have time", what they are really sayhing is that I would rather spend my time doing other things... things that are more important tome.
> 
> ...


I agree with most of this except for the financial part. When I say we don't have the money to do such and such, we just don't have the money. We aren't spending money elsewhere, the money just does not exist. Living pay check to pay check is tough. 

The other stuff I find to be true though. If you really want to be there for someone, you make it work and put in that effort/energy/time. I'm a stay at home mom(mostly) and work part-time, which can be exhausting, but I always make the time/effort for my husband. I just wish he would do the same for me.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> She's a teacher, so she's off for the summer, but the kids still go to the sitter a few days a week, which is a good thing. In our case, she has some body image issues (she lost a bunch of weight several years back, but it's been put back on), but mostly it's due to having no sex drive whatsoever.
> 
> Another thing that's been mentioned before and may apply to a lot of people on here that have a partner that has no sex drive - if they have friends that don't have sex with their partners, then they view themselves as normal ("so-and-so hasn't had sex in two years, so we're normal"). In my experience, which is admittedly limited, my wife has friends like this, so she thinks that us not having sex is not that big of a deal.


This sounds so familiar. It's like we are married to the same person. Mine doesn't feel it's odd either.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

2 years

18 months

16 months

16 months

14 months

and a few more, but I can't remember for sure


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

After so long without it (10 months), I have ceased to really care about sex. I could not sleep and thought that masturbating might help with that. It took some genuine effort to get aroused. Her indifference about sex has rubbed off on me.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

guyready4change said:


> As to the question of how long have you gone sexless? I am pretty sure 99% of the guys here went at least 14 years with out and lived.


Well, to be fair ... I went through puberty at 13 and had sex at 15 ... I've gone through a longer stretch in my marriage.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

I think the longest for us was about... 6 months or so, maybe a little bit longer? Sooner or later though one of us had too much to drink and the clothes were coming off LOL.


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## Jakobi Greenleaf (Sep 19, 2012)

I remember keeping track at one point, and it was six weeks. We had a rather heated discussion about it. Similar discussion six months later. It was never six weeks without during that six months, but went a couple more than once. Our last discussion involved a couple of phrases that maybe should have been said a long time ago. This have been good since.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

Not counting when we had kids, probably 2 weeks is the longest.

Business trips or getting sick is typically the cause.


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

One year.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

excluding that post pregancny time..

45 days is the longest. After years of rejections, I finally woke up and realized she doesnt like me like that. Now that I'm losing interest in initiating with my wife, this streak could be exceeded this year.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Physically, a month or two. Mentally about 5 years :lol:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> excluding that post pregancny time..
> 
> 45 days is the longest. After years of rejections, I finally woke up and realized she doesnt like me like that. Now that I'm losing interest in initiating with my wife, this streak could be exceeded this year.


Sometimes thats all it is. At least your longest is only 45 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Physically, a month or two. Mentally about 5 years :lol:


So your wife is not into it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

treyvion said:


> So your wife is not into it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Pretty much. Why have sex when there's Netflix?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

john117 said:


> Pretty much. Why have sex when there's Netflix?


At any given point in time that I walk through the house there is a 60% chance that my wife is reclined in her La-z-boy in a blanket, phone in one hand, remote in the other and netflix on the tv. There is a 30% chance she is in the office on her computer playing a game or looking at fb. I swear ... when I die, these will be the memories I have of our marriage.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

john117 said:


> Pretty much. Why have sex when there's Netflix?


We used to have DirectTV with TiVo. There is a reason I cut that service. She then discovered Netflix ....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Our recent development is melatonin.... A tablet of that, some hot tea, and she's nearly passed out in minutes.

On second thought melatonin does reduce libido :lol: :rofl:


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Probably 3 weeks


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

my wife is busy on facebook or reading articles online..

i used to initiate in bed. She was too tired, and stomach aches seemed to happen then. Then i initiated before bed, in living room etc.. she would accept, but sometimes it seemed like I was annoying her or she'd roll her eyes. 

I havent bothered trying in a while. no need.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

All of your recent posts sound so sad, BB.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

I am on a one day long period right now and its driving me nuts.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Look at it this way... You get all the free time you need to plan an exit strategy. 

J2's melatonin + chamomile + Netflix results in instant (15 min) hibernation for 8 hours a day. Laptop turns on at 830 am and off around 1030 pm. Her fix at 1045-1100 pm and she's in dreamland 1100 pm to 800 am.

No need to feign illness, anger, fights, etc. Maybe J2 could teach her methods to other spouses not interested in anything else but work, workout, or TV.

Franchise Opportunities available!!!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I wonder what the spouses of sexless marriage who deny their partners sex would say of marriage. I guess it would be something like 
"to have kids and raise a family. Sex isn't needed after that".

My parents were old school WWII generation. From reading between the lines and what I know from certain instances in their married life, I don't think my mom ever really liked sex. She had a lot of hangups I think. But I think she almost never denied my dad sex.
She understood that to be married meant to have sex and that a man had needs.

I just really don't understand the point of being married without sex.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> I wonder what the spouses of sexless marriage who deny their partners sex would say of marriage. I guess it would be something like
> "to have kids and raise a family. Sex isn't needed after that".
> 
> My parents were old school WWII generation. From reading between the lines and what I know from certain instances in their married life, I don't think my mom ever really liked sex. She had a lot of hangups I think. But I think she almost never denied my dad sex.
> ...


My wife ask, What's the difference between being married and being room mates? 

Sex.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Jld, truth be told I rely on this site for venting. Probably too much. I have a good amount of pent up bitterness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Jld, truth be told I rely on this site for venting. Probably too much. I have a good amount of pent up bitterness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just get it out, BB. And if you don't want advice, just say that. And ignore it when it comes anyway.

But get it out. If you don't talk it out, you will act it out.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Currently 9 months no PIV. 2 months since last oral


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It's been 20 years for me. Miss skin to skin contact but haven't had much luck seeking sex outside the marriage. Everyone comes down on porn but I would have left years ago without it. It is a great stress reliever.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

i feel like I am being denied my right as a woman to be the withholder of sex, ha. Seriously though, he has no idea how good he had it/could have it. That's what bothers me the most. I feel like the "one man's trash, another man's treasure" comes to play here... seems what one would be grateful for another one loathes or doesn't appreciate. Here I am, a woman, wanting to give that to him and he uses that as a way to punish me. Hence the first line of my post. Boo. At least this thread makes me feel a little less alone.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mr B said:


> It's been 20 years for me. Miss skin to skin contact but haven't had much luck seeking sex outside the marriage. Everyone comes down on porn but I would have left years ago without it. It is a great stress reliever.



Mr B, at twenty years you have so many good reasons to leave or find a lover. I think you gave up on yourself. If you have children do you want them denied for so long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Well like I said I've tried to find sex outside the marriage without much luck. Married guys looking for sex are considered the scum of the earth by most women, especially online. Not sure what you mean about my kids being denied I think they both have great sex lives. I know I did in my early 20's.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Before we had The Talk: it was either 6 months, or possibly 9 months without any sex. I actually forget how long, that was 7 years ago.


Ever since: probably the longest was 2 weeks when I had vasectomy that took extra long to heal


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

My husband and I have sex at least once or twice a week unless I'm on my period. Before the baby we used to have it everyday, but pregnancy has kind of messed with my libido a bit. It's hard to feel sexy when you have spit up all over you and just changed a diaper.

That said, I did have a time in my previous marriage where I went three years without sex. It was awful. I felt trapped. I wanted sex so bad but didnt want to cheat. Sorry OP. I hope things get better for you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

inquizitivemind said:


> My husband and I have sex at least once or twice a week unless I'm on my period. Before the baby we used to have it everyday, but pregnancy has kind of messed with my libido a bit. It's hard to feel sexy when you have spit up all over you and just changed a diaper.
> 
> That said, I did have a time in my previous marriage where I went three years without sex. It was awful. I felt trapped. I wanted sex so bad but didnt want to cheat. Sorry OP. I hope things get better for you.


Did you fully recover after that marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> My husband and I have sex at least once or twice a week unless I'm on my period. Before the baby we used to have it everyday, but pregnancy has kind of messed with my libido a bit. It's hard to feel sexy when you have spit up all over you and just changed a diaper.
> 
> That said, I did have a time in my previous marriage where I went three years without sex. It was awful. I felt trapped. I wanted sex so bad but didnt want to cheat. Sorry OP. I hope things get better for you.


Why did you go three years without in your previous marriage horney?

Did your ex husband deny you?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's either 17 or 19 days.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Rick3 said:


> Going through a long drought now. I know a lot of people are here for the same reasons as me, intimacy/sex issues. Just curious how long is the longest. My wife and I are in our longest drought currently and wondering on a scale of bad how bad it is.


Three years.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I'm kinda wondering for those that say they are at a year or more of sexlessness, do you still desire your spouse? Would you be just as enthusiastic like 5 years in of no sex and they just randomly came onto you? I fluctuate on my feelings on that.


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## Reluctant_Doubter (Apr 11, 2013)

Adeline said:


> I'm kinda wondering for those that say they are at a year or more of sexlessness, do you still desire your spouse? Would you be just as enthusiastic like 5 years in of no sex and they just randomly came onto you? I fluctuate on my feelings on that.


I went a little over 5 years in my first marriage. And yes - if my wife had come onto me at that time I would have loved it and loved her for it. I always wanted her to get past whatever it was that caused her to refuse sex.

It was not the only factor in the end of that marriage, but I would have worked on other factors if she had worked on this. Ultimately she abandoned therapy and that was the end. I never got an explanation for it and she always refused to discuss it.

In my second marriage - two months after childbirth (plus or minus - I can't remember and didn't care; I was just delighted at being a father both times). A month during the occasional drought. In our marriage, anything longer than a couple of weeks without obvious mitigating factors (travel, workload or other stresses etc) would cause questions to be asked by one or the other. The "normal" frequency in our marriage has varied due to many factors over the years and has been as high as daily but not often lower than weekly.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

longest period of no sex (with another person); 20 years.

but I was single.

Then I rediscovered women.


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## frustrated_guy (Jul 28, 2014)

Mr B said:


> It's been 20 years for me. Miss skin to skin contact but haven't had much luck seeking sex outside the marriage. Everyone comes down on porn but I would have left years ago without it. It is a great stress reliever.


I thought I may hold the record, but I guess you beat me.

I haven't done it since my second child was conceived, or about 10 years ago, if you discount about 3 times of "sex" that were under 1 to 5 seconds.

I don't watch any porn, and hold myself to highest moral standard, and not fancy any women. I have dreamed of women offering it to me for maybe 3 or 4 times, but I have turned all of them down, and refused to look at their body even in my dreams.

This situation with my wife has brought countless frustrations and despair to me. This year my wife appeared to finally recognize that my desperation, and I had 2 seconds of sex, if you call that sex.

There are still 5 more months this year for another encore, but I have given up all hopes entirely. This is no hope, nothing.

Nothing. Only death awaits me.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

frustrated_guy: One or two seconds? Sympathy sex? Perhaps you should open your own thread to let off some of your frustration.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

frustrated_guy said:


> I thought I may hold the record, but I guess you beat me.
> 
> I haven't done it since my second child was conceived, or about 10 years ago, if you discount about 3 times of "sex" that were under 1 to 5 seconds.
> 
> ...


I'm trying to imagine what 1 - 5 seconds of sex looks like, and I can't. WTH?

Can anybody explain?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Not having sex when your single really isn't so bad.
When I was single it didn't bother me at all not to have sex.

Not having sex when your married is really bad because your SUPPOSE to be having sex.
So, now if I didn't have sex it would be very bad.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I am very sad to read this thread!!! 

WOW:/

What a crazy amount of rejection an individual must feel not to feel embraced PERIOD!

Depressing.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Yes, this is becoming a very sad thread. I think when it started it was a little more light. Seems like the first posters where generally having shorter droughts, and often caused by "external" circumstances like having a child or something. Later posters are more from the sexless marriages that have gone on for a long time. Sad ... and painful.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I don't know what's worse your wife refusing you or you refusing yourself. Sounds kind of masochistic to me. After not having sex for 20 years if a woman, any woman offered herself to me I'd take it in a flash. Why deny yourself?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The only thing worse than being alone is being with people who make you feel alone.


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I'm trying to imagine what 1 - 5 seconds of sex looks like, and I can't. WTH?
> 
> Can anybody explain?


You can't imagine it? It's happened to me after a long hiatus. Basically, the simple act of feeling the inside of your wife's body is enough to bring you over the edge. Bam, done.


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## Trader1 (Oct 27, 2013)

Definitely a lot of poignant remarks here. I think the only thing worse than some of these long-term droughts are those that suffer with droughts of random duration with no clear-cut cause. A week or two of steady sex followed by weeks of absolutely nothing. No fights or disagreements or stress or whatever, just nothing. Then it just resumes like everything is normal.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Apart from pregnancy/just after birth, I thinking our longest is about a month.

We are currently at 3 weeks + 1 day, and the last one was a very quick, early morning one initiated by me. The last one before that was nearly 6 weeks ago. 

I hope we don't set a new record for ourselves..I am hoping for some action tonight, wish me luck!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Currently sitting at about one year, four months. Before the last time, it was one year, six months, so we're rapidly approaching our record (if we don't have sex by beginning of November, it will be once in three years, and if anybody likes to bet, bet on us reaching that mark, as that's the safest bet you can make).


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Currently sitting at about one year, four months. Before the last time, it was one year, six months, so we're rapidly approaching our record (if we don't have sex by beginning of November, it will be once in three years, and if anybody likes to bet, bet on us reaching that mark, as that's the safest bet you can make).


havent read your story charlie, but do you have kids? If you do, then i feel your pain. 

if you don't, then you should peace out of this relationship.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> havent read your story charlie, but do you have kids? If you do, then i feel your pain.
> 
> if you don't, then you should peace out of this relationship.


Yep, two toddlers. Much like you - she has time for Facebook, Candy Crush, etc., but sex? Nope, requires too much work. 

Trust me, I've thought about it for a variety of reasons, but I want to maintain influence with the kids. She's very immature, and my fear is that if we divorced, she won't be able to restrain herself around the kids with the cussing, etc. 

My goal now is to see how far we can go without sex. If we're going to be sexless, let's make sure we do it right.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Adeline said:


> Seriously though, he has no idea how good he had it/could have it. That's what bothers me the most. I feel like the "one man's trash, another man's treasure" comes to play here... seems what one would be grateful for another one loathes or doesn't appreciate. Here I am, a woman, wanting to give that to him and he uses that as a way to punish me. Hence the first line of my post. Boo. At least this thread makes me feel a little less alone.


:iagree:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, two toddlers. Much like you - she has time for Facebook, Candy Crush, etc., but sex? Nope, requires too much work.
> 
> Trust me, I've thought about it for a variety of reasons, but I want to maintain influence with the kids. She's very immature, and my fear is that if we divorced, she won't be able to restrain herself around the kids with the cussing, etc.
> 
> My goal now is to see how far we can go without sex. If we're going to be sexless, let's make sure we do it right.


This is crazy talk. I think you guys should see a counselor together. A lack of sex and affections is a serious issue which will cause stress in the entire house.

A new mother should realize that yes while her children are her priority, that taking care of and babying that man from time to time are important too. It's healthy for the kids to have a healthy and whole father.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> This is crazy talk. I think you guys should see a counselor together. A lack of sex and affections is a serious issue which will cause stress in the entire house.
> 
> A new mother should realize that yes while her children are her priority, that taking care of and *babying *that man from time to time are important too. It's healthy for the kids to have a healthy and whole father.


Ew. Any guy not getting sex in their marriage reading this post, this is not it. If sex is "babying" you, then beyond being both icky and really unattractive, it winds up being just another chore. Sound familiar? 

My husband is no baby. He is a MAN. Which is why I continue to love sex with him.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Ew. Any guy not getting sex in their marriage reading this post, this is not it. If sex is "babying" you, then beyond being both icky and really unattractive, it winds up being just another chore. Sound familiar?
> 
> My husband is no baby. He is a MAN. Which is why I continue to love sex with him.


I was saying that your requirement to satisfy your husband and/or take care of his reasonable needs do not stop after having a child. He too is part of your family and needs to be cared for.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I was saying that your requirement to satisfy your husband and/or take care of his reasonable needs do not stop after having a child. He too is part of your family and needs to be cared for.


"Take care of his needs"? No. That is just crap. It is both parties responsibilities to BUILD a great marriage. A great marriage has sex in it because both people want it, want themselves and their spouse to be happy. If it is resolved that sex is taking care of his needs, like in the Color Purple, it is no different than getting pissed on. Not a recipe for a great marriage.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> "Take care of his needs"? No. That is just crap. It is both parties responsibilities to BUILD a great marriage. A great marriage has sex in it because both people want it, want themselves and their spouse to be happy. If it is resolved that sex is taking care of his needs, like in the Color Purple, it is no different than getting pissed on. Not a recipe for a great marriage.


Wow, you have a sharp reactive response for what you perceive as anti-female remarks.

In my statement it was assumed that the male is taking care of the females needs. The assumption is he was taking care of her needs, but she forgot about him after she had kids. It's not even that she forgot about him, it's that she didn't even care...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Wow, you have a sharp reactive response for what you perceive as anti-female remarks.


THAT is what you read? Ok. Pretty sure there is no getting through to you.



> In my statement it was assumed that the male is taking care of the females needs. The assumption is he was taking care of her needs, but she forgot about him after she had kids. It's not even that she forgot about him, it's that she didn't even care...


I disagree with the entire premise that it is a simple equation of his needs + her needs = he gets laid. Relationships are a lot more than that.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> THAT is what you read? Ok. Pretty sure there is no getting through to you.
> 
> 
> 
> I disagree with the entire premise that it is a simple equation of his needs + her needs = he gets laid. Relationships are a lot more than that.


I agree with you. But she can get laid from someone with a one night stand and there is no way in hell that guy is trying to help anyone or pay any bills for sure!

I personally do feel it is a problem if you know you are doing what you are supposed to in a relationship and someone is taking it and keep taking it and over time and after time you are left with almost none of your needs met.

it is up to you to adjust that situation. The right thing to do is to communicate it, and then you just stop doing for the person who isn't doing for you.

That simple.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Rick3 said:


> Going through a long drought now. I know a lot of people are here for the same reasons as me, intimacy/sex issues. Just curious how long is the longest. My wife and I are in our longest drought currently and wondering on a scale of bad how bad it is.


Completely, totally, absolutely without? 

Right around two years.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Three months and that was becuase she was having an Emotional Affair with someone.

Are you sure your wife aint seeing someone else? Six months is a long time.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

Happy to say that we did not break the record 


I often feel like I am in a 'sexless' marriage (I would say it averages once a month, or maybe 3 times every 2 months). But when I read alot of the posters 'times' on here, I feel...lucky? :scratchhead:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It depends on whether you believe a marriage can be sustained with monthly sex, even high quality monthly sex.

To me it feels more like 12 ONS sessions than sex with a loving partner.


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

john117 said:


> It depends on whether you believe a marriage can be sustained with monthly sex, even high quality monthly sex.
> 
> To me it feels more like 12 ONS sessions than sex with a loving partner.


If it were always as good as last night, that would be a definite yes


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I agree with you. But she can get laid from someone with a one night stand and there is no way in hell that guy is trying to help anyone or pay any bills for sure!
> 
> I personally do feel it is a problem if you know you are doing what you are supposed to in a relationship and someone is taking it and keep taking it and over time and after time you are left with almost none of your needs met.
> 
> ...


How well does that really work for anyone? That is the very definition of quid pro quo. That is not building anything. I would venture that if she USED to like sex with you and now doesn't, there is something as yet uncovered going on besides the housework or whatever. Her fire is not lit. And just do it because you should is never going to cut it. Just another chore for just another child.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

bizzy79 said:


> If it were always as good as last night, that would be a definite yes



just like with food, quality won't replace quantity. 

Try eating an exquisite three course meal and nothing else for a week. 

The monthly but awesome sex is simply a manifestation of control. Do the math and see whether it's worth it for you:


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## bizzy79 (Mar 22, 2012)

john117 said:


> just like with food, quality won't replace quantity.
> 
> Try eating an exquisite three course meal and nothing else for a week.
> 
> The monthly but awesome sex is simply a manifestation of control. Do the math and see whether it's worth it for you:



I am pretty good at Maths, so think I'll be able to figure it out eventually


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> How well does that really work for anyone? That is the very definition of quid pro quo.


I don't know if all men really intend it as _quid pro quo_, at least in the beginning.

This is the message we as men get: I'm quoting from the Health Quest column of a woman's health magazine called Whole Living:

"When the two of us met a decade ago, we were sexually ravenous. But lately we've gone down to several episodes a month at best. It's not that we aren't attracted to each other....But after a full day of stress related to work, the kids and the house, sex often seems like just another chore."​
A man hears or reads something like this or maybe his wife just tells him point blank to his face, "I'm just too tired and stressed by the end of the day. I've got so much to do."

He says, "I had no idea. How can I help?" Soon he's doing X, Y and Z to take a load off of her. The only thing that changes is she now spends more time diddling with her cell phone or tablet in the evenings. He starts doing A, B and C in addition to X, Y & Z Again, nothing really changes and he wants to know why. 

She says, "I wonder if you realize how much of a turn off your tit for tat attitude is?"

The problem here is that she truly doesn't understand what is wrong herself. And if she doesn't understand it, her poor sap of a husband sure as hell won't understand it either.

The article I quoted above from the women's health magazine recommended a six week regimen to help couples get out of this rut. It starts off with just kissing like you mean it again. 

I don't know if it would work or not, but have to think it's better than doing housework in exchange for sex.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I don't know if all men really intend it as _quid pro quo_, at least in the beginning.
> 
> This is the message we as men get: I'm quoting from the Health Quest column of a woman's health magazine called Whole Living:
> 
> ...


Why the hell is housework her problem with which you "help"? Are you a man? Or a child who needs to be goaded and punished into doing what needs to be done. Just sayin'.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> A man hears or reads something like this or maybe his wife just tells him point blank to his face, "I'm just too tired and stressed by the end of the day. I've got so much to do."
> 
> He says, "I had no idea. How can I help?" Soon he's doing X, Y and Z to take a load off of her. The only thing that changes is she now spends more time diddling with her cell phone or tablet in the evenings. He starts doing A, B and C in addition to X, Y & Z Again, nothing really changes and he wants to know why.
> 
> ...


She does not know, perhaps, that the manliness that comes from getting things done, by being the kind of man who honors his word, is strong for his family. The thing that is lost every time she says, honey do you have time to ... do whatever, and he says mmmm hmmm and forgets until she nags him 3 times. Day in - day out. She has to do it all with occasional "help" from a disinterested "partner". For his part, he goes to work every day to provide, right? But nowadays, for many of us, so does she. What is so freaking awesome about that? Day in and day out she loses respect for him. And yes, then sex is just another chore. Something she is "supposed" to do. But she is supposed to want to do it with her MAN. And even if she DOES know this, how is she going to say it without completely wrecking him? He has already shown he is not a man.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

More on being a man. My husband would never, ever, ever put up with long term sexlessness. He would simply say (did say after kids) I did not choose a sexless marriage. Be forewarned that it will not continue, or I will be gone. He would never give away his power. Not for any amount of money, divorce consequences or anything.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> More on being a man. My husband would never, ever, ever put up with long term sexlessness. He would simply say (did say after kids) I did not choose a sexless marriage. Be forewarned that it will not continue, or I will be gone. He would never give away his power. Not for any amount of money, divorce consequences or anything.


My husband has said almost the same thing and I believe he meant what he said.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Why the hell is housework her problem with which you "help"? Are you a man? Or a child who needs to be goaded and punished into doing what needs to be done. Just sayin'.


I wasn't speaking about myself personally and only used the word, "Help" in the sense of alleviating a wife's stress. I've actually railed against the phrase, "Helping out around the house" many times on this forum because it implies a subservience that I don't like. I think if you could actually see the kitchen in my house with the restaurant quality range and the two handed cleaver hung on the soffit above it and the knives that would make a medieval Samurai jealous, you probably wouldn't bother to ask the question. 

None of this really addresses the substance of what I said though. Husbands are very often told point blank by their wives that X, Y and Z will fix the problem, so its not intended to be _quid pro quo_ even though that's how it looks afterwards. 

I think the real problem is that if a couple goes long enough without sex, the flame just goes out and it takes more than a snap of the fingers to reignite it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I wasn't speaking about myself


I know. I was using the hyperbolic "you". "One sounds so stiff.


> personally and only used the word, "Help" in the sense of alleviating a wife's stress. I've actually railed against the phrase, "Helping out around the house" many times on this forum because it implies a subservience that I don't like. I think if you could actually see the kitchen in my house with the restaurant quality range and the two handed cleaver hung on the soffit above it and the knives that would make a medieval Samurai jealous, you probably wouldn't bother to ask the question.
> 
> None of this really addresses the substance of what I said though. Husbands are very often told point blank by their wives that X, Y and Z will fix the problem, so its not intended to be _quid pro quo_ even though that's how it looks afterwards.


She may be telling him that, but she is not telling him the whole story. Perhaps only the part of the story she is consciously aware of. But by the time a couple even GETS here, there is a loss of respect that has occurred. 



> I think the real problem is that if a couple goes long enough without sex, the flame just goes out and it takes more than a snap of the fingers to reignite it.


I don't. I think the #1 cause of sexlessness where sex previously was fine is other issues, largest among them loss of respect. 

I look at some of the guys on this sight who have gone YEARS without sex, and I think, why would she? That is just spineless. I don't know why people think that marriage is a relationship devoid of effective limit setting, that people are just going to "get" what is important. But the way to make people REALLY understand your limits is with actions. Words only go so far. We have the ability to justify, misunderstand, deflect.

And the "help" thing, you are right, that is just bull. Take responsibility for your life. If the house is messy, clean it. You know those diapers? It aint rocket science. I will never forget my husband being more than a little scared of our newborn. He had never every hung out with a baby. Barely ever held one. He looked at the nurses handling him in the hospital and was like, yah ok I can figure this out. I did not change a diaper the first 2 weeks of our firstborn's life. (Lordy did I make up for it later, though when I worked less than he.) That is a MAN. 

But no honey do, is he. I wanted to use cloth diapers. But DS would freak out at any little dribble of pee. He looked at me during a diaper change and asked, why are we doing these diapers again because this is just stupid. In my most sleep deprived and pathetic voice, I explained all the reasons. And he said, really? You SURE this is not just you trying to be the book's super mom? And we agreed to change to disposables on the spot.

When I ask him to do something that he does not think is important, he will simply say no I am not going to do that, and here is why. And he won't. Unless I say it is REALLY important to me, that even if he doesn't get it, it is that important. Then nothing will stop him.

He just spent the morning WITH me doing household work. It was fun!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> I look at some of the guys on this sight who have gone YEARS without sex, and I think, why would she? That is just spineless.


It is interesting to hear that a woman might view it that way and not something I would have thought of myself

There is a note of defeat in admitting you can't fix a problem in your life akin to admitting you're lost and asking for directions. Sometimes that sticks in people's throats and there are plenty of men who can be pretty stubborn in that regard. 

Realistically, if it happened with one woman, it can happen with another. If a series of relationships that end at the seven to ten year point is what a man wants out of life, then he's probably not the type that would have ever gotten married in the first place.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> It is interesting to hear that a woman might view it that way and not something I would have thought of myself
> 
> There is a note of defeat in admitting you can't fix a problem in your life akin to admitting you're lost and asking for directions. Sometimes that sticks in people's throats and there are plenty of men who can be pretty stubborn in that regard.
> 
> Realistically, if it happened with one woman, it can happen with another. If a series of relationships that end at the seven to ten year point is what a man wants out of life, then he's probably not the type that would have ever gotten married in the first place.


Yup. It's ****ty. It is also what grown ups do. Men face their mistakes. And fix them. (As do grown women, of course.)


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

In two weeks, it will be a year without sex. It used to really bothere but now I am numb and do not care. 3 times in 20 months is the same as not at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> More on being a man. My husband would never, ever, ever put up with long term sexlessness. He would simply say (did say after kids) I did not choose a sexless marriage. Be forewarned that it will not continue, or I will be gone. He would never give away his power. Not for any amount of money, divorce consequences or anything.




There are some here who choose to not divorce for various reasons, including the loss of time with and influence over their children. Choosing to stay in a marriage when one's partner is no longer who you want or need, or where one's partner makes painfully clear you are no longer wanted, etc does not necessarily indicate one has given away power or become less of a man or less of a woman.



We all have our hierarchy of values. We all analyze differently the prospects for a bad situation changing for the better. We all have different levels of patience. Our measure as human beings is how carefully we have formed our personal hierarchy and whether we honor it by our actions or not.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Our drought started when I got pregnant and diagnosed with a placenta previa. Sex could have killed our baby and possibly me. Hard delivery and many stitches prevented it after. Then came the colic and 9 months of not sleeping through the night. Once it started, though, another side of my H came out. He is a Nice Guy and Dr. Jekyll became Mr. Hyde. Not all at once, but he slowly revealed he was never the man he portrayed himself to be. His laid back nature was revealed to be just a means if pleasing others, but behind closed doors he can be nasty, using personal attacks, things I had shared when I needed support, as ammunition. He's controlling to the point he used to tell me when I needed to wake up, when I needed to get into the shower. If I mess up his plan, he gets anxious.

I have never turned him down. I've never had to. He won't initiate and since I'm LD, it doesn't bother me. I don't want to have sex with a man I don't trust. He's never told anyone we have marital trouble and he doesn't want divorce. It's all too crazy for words. And as to the original question, it's been about 4 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yup. It's ****ty. It is also what grown ups do. Men face their mistakes. And fix them. (As do grown women, of course.)


Exactly. Being mature means having the strength to discuss what isn't working in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think it's about 3 months for me... it's a bit of a long story... at the moment, my wife tells me when it's time for sex... could be two weeks, three weeks or a month... basically, when she feels sorry for me (or maybe when she feels guilty that she is putting me through hell)...  She says: we'll have sex tomorrow. 

She has no libido because she is on ADs for her OCD. She just doesn't think about it. She could do without, if it were up to her. We nearly divorced over it. Unfortunately, now I've lost all my respect for her. And fallen out of love, really. She is a good woman, generally, we get on fine, don't argue, but her unwillingness to fix herself has destroyed our marriage. Waiting for the little one to be 18 and then I'll take it from there...

Ah, yes... she also does all the classics... FB, iPad, TV, the lot...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> She may be telling him that, but she is not telling him the whole story. Perhaps only the part of the story she is consciously aware of. But by the time a couple even GETS here, there is a loss of respect that has occurred.
> 
> 
> I don't. I think the #1 cause of sexlessness where sex previously was fine is other issues, largest among them loss of respect.
> ...


You basically described how my wife and I live our marriage. My wife is the type who will lose respect for a guy if the guy comes across as needy, helpless and not doing well in life generally. I don't mean to say that she's shallow - not at all. She's a SAHM who also watches our kids and a couple other kids during the day to make money to help out some. She also put her best effort forward to keep everything on track with the house. When I'm working, she's got the household duties to herself. When I'm home, we share the duties together. On weekends we do our chores normally together. She has cut the grass and trimmed trees/bushes in our landscaping, I have scrubbed floors and cleaned bathrooms. We even redid the interior of our garage together where we mudded drywall and repaired drywall holes together, hung shelves, etc. etc. 

For us, working effectively as a team to shorten the time needed to do the chores around the house allows for more quality time to spend together later on. The respect is lost whenever one spouse believes that the other is not pulling his/her fair share. That could mean doing chores, but maybe also showing support in endeavors and the desire to want to reconnect (not just sexually) by spending time together. Burying your nose in an IPad all the time is not giving your all to the marriage either. 

I can honestly say that my wife and I give our all to our marriage and family. We work together, we parent together and we play together. Yes we also have some seperate activities that we do apart too. 

I think I get where you're coming from.


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## khaleesivirge (Jul 2, 2013)

Six weeks after baby was born was the only time and longest. Do BJs count? If so then about two days. We do it almost every day. It only takes about an hour and I can skip the gym. Win win for us both.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

intheory said:


> It's almost like you're not really married.


That's how I feel, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ebp123 said:


> Exactly. Being mature means having the strength to discuss what isn't working in your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't disagree with this at all, but that comment was only the tail-end of the conversation and I'm curious what your take on the balance of the exchange would be.

Personally, I would think the specter of divorce/separation over lack of sex would be one of the last things a woman recovering from an episiotomy followed by a little bit of postpartum depression and just sleep deprived from a fussy infant would want brought up and therefore would be one of the least likely things that would fix the problem.

But what do I know?


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

A simple - but painfully complicated question.

If going without sex for a longer period of time (decision by the LD) occurs. When is it safe to assume that the LD just does not need or want sex in her or his life?

In other words....at some point one must (or at least for me) figure out or try to understand WHICH this is.
Does she just not like or want sex all that much. (for any BUNCH of reasons) and will it always be that way?

Or is there a chance that there is something that can be fixed in the marriage - that will allow the sex life to resume in a positive way.

I ask this because my wife has (had) done a very good job of putting it in the second category...with blame on me...and such.
BUT ...if it was a person who wanted a sex life, valued it, gave it value...would not it be AGONIZING for her too? Would not SHE ALSO - be wanting to fix whatever the problems may be there...TALK about it...get counseling for it (I have tried and tried)...or SOMETHING???

So - when do you KNOW that it is simply the LD just does not want it. Simple as that.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> I don't disagree with this at all, but that comment was only the tail-end of the conversation and I'm curious what your take on the balance of the exchange would be.
> 
> Personally, I would think the specter of divorce/separation over lack of sex would be one of the last things a woman recovering from an episiotomy followed by a little bit of postpartum depression and just sleep deprived from a fussy infant would want brought up and therefore would be one of the least likely things that would fix the problem.
> 
> But what do I know?


He didn't bring up sex when I had my child and during my longer than normal recovery. Nor did he bring it up when the child was crying every night from 7 to 10 pm. The silence continued when we wee both sleep deprived for the first 9 months of our hold waking every 3 hours. 

That is understandable. But once that was I became pregnant again. He didn't like the idea if sex during pregnancy the second time, even though there was no medical reason we couldn't.

Once our second child was born, the drought became a drought because he didn't initiate. He never even mentions sex. It's like it doesn't exist. And thus my comment about mature people being able to work through issues. He hates even talking about problems. I've brought it up and he says, of course I want to have sex with you, but I feel like you will turn me down. But like I said, I've ne'er turned him down. He is just too scared it might happen, probably because of all the tension in the air from other unresolved things that he also doesn't want to discuss. It's just a viscous cycle. And now so much time has passed, so much water under the bridge, he just accepted it. Now he has ED as a result of prostate surgery, so that adds another layer of complication. 

In all this, all I want is to talk things through, to be honest and up front, but he can't. It's just not in him. I have tried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I appreciate your answer, ebp123 and sympathize. I apologize for being unclear about the question

NobodySpecial indicated a less than positive view of any man who would put up with a lack of sex for an extended period of time. She used the word, "Spineless" without equivocation.

It surprises me, because I think many men (Myself included) simply thought we were being unselfish and kind to our wives during weeks and months of colic and breastfeeding following childbirth. 

I was curious if you agreed with it too.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> I appreciate your answer, ebp123 and sympathize. I apologize for being unclear about the question
> 
> NobodySpecial indicated a less than positive view of any man who would put up with a lack of sex for an extended period of time. She used the word, "Spineless" without equivocation.
> 
> ...


As long as you tell her why you aren't. That you respect that there's a lot going in and the transition to motherhood and new baby demands are the reason you aren't initiating, then I think there's no spinelessness at all. After that, though, if things don't return to normal, a spineless man would just accept the new status quo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I read this thread with interest because it was a thread very similar to this one that I stumbled across a year and a half ago when I googled, "How do I make myself want to have sex with my husband?" It was the beginning of some tremendously important education for my husband and I both. 

This thread is hard for me to read for several reasons. First, it brings back a lot of the guilt I felt when I started "getting it" in regards to what 10 years of sex 1-2 times a month had done to my HD husband. 

But more than that, it pains me to see how many people want to place blame. Whose "fault" is it that the sex died? Whose "fault" is it that the sex didn't start up again? Whose "fault" is it that, after years and years, the marriage is barely holding together and at least one spouse is suffering horribly from the lack of physical intimacy? 

It pains me because the search for fault is the very thing that stops the healing from starting. Each part stands on his or her hill and points the finger. "He's the HD one, he should initiate." or "Why would I initiate with my LD partner; I'm sick of her never desiring sex with me." "He's spineless," "She's selfish," "He's too needy, "She broke her vows." On and on and on. 

Many marriages have serious issues outside the bedroom that make sexlessness more complex to address and solve . . . but it seems like so many of the sexless marriage threads are of typical "we got married, had kids, and the sex dried up" variety. It frustrates me to see many of these threads devolve into "who is at fault" debates. Everything from "you should have chosen your partner more wisely if sex was that important to you" to "marriage without sex is no marriage at all" are, IMO, not useful. At best, they are glib observations made through hindsight goggles, at worst they are statements that shame a person who is hurting and looking for advice. Yes, sometimes we all need "tough love," in order to start looking at ourselves, but what good does it do to tell someone they are spineless, or selfish, or weak, or insecure--as though THAT observation is somehow "the answer"?

I don't have "the answer" much of the time. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud here because TAM literally saved my marriage, and yet I don't know how to effectively translate that into advice for others. I'm forever aware that we only get one side of the story here. Having been the LD wife who came to comprehend exactly what the HD husband was going through, I can't pick sides. I can't assign blame. I have so much sympathy for everyone caught in these painful, painful dynamics. IT IS NO ONE'S FAULT!

Yes, the mantra is that we all have choices--and I do agree with that. But lets not forget: we are human beings, not robots. We all know what we COULD do or SHOULD do. We all can look back and see where we could have taken a different, better turn. But at the end of the day, we are HERE. We are at THIS juncture in our lives. 

What can we say to help a person who is hurting? What can we do to put ourselves in their shoes instead of trying to drag them into ours? 

For all for bemoaning of lack of empathy in marriage, I see a startling dearth of it right here. 

/end rant
and apologies


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

GettingIt said:


> I read this thread with interest because it was a thread very similar to this one that I stumbled across a year and a half ago when I googled, "How do I make myself want to have sex with my husband?" It was the beginning of some tremendously important education for my husband and I both.
> 
> This thread is hard for me to read for several reasons. First, it brings back a lot of the guilt I felt when I started "getting it" in regards to what 10 years of sex 1-2 times a month had done to my HD husband.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your honesty. I haven't used the word spineless myself so much as responded to others. But I do feel my H is lacking all strength when he simply puts his head in the sand. When I get him to talk, he uses defense mechanisms like, "you do that, too." He changes the subject. He gets passive aggressive. If he's the one who wants our marriage more than I do, then why isn't he trying? We are caught in this crazy dance where I feel like I keep trying and yet I'm done. He's not done but has never tried. I have carts only learned from TAM how important sex is to most men, but I'm not going to have sex with him and he not do the things I have asked. Simple stuff like look me in the eye when we are talking as well as harder stuff like acknowledging when he gets mad and talks in absolutes, uses passive aggressive tactics, etc. but he won't. So call me the blamer, but at least I tried!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ebp123 said:


> I appreciate your honesty. I haven't used the word spineless myself so much as responded to others. But I do feel my H is lacking all strength when he simply puts his head in the sand. When I get him to talk, he uses defense mechanisms like, "you do that, too." He changes the subject. He gets passive aggressive. If he's the one who wants our marriage more than I do, then why isn't he trying? We are caught in this crazy dance where I feel like I keep trying and yet I'm done. He's not done but has never tried. I have carts only learned from TAM how important sex is to most men, but I'm not going to have sex with him and he not do the things I have asked. Simple stuff like look me in the eye when we are talking as well as harder stuff like acknowledging when he gets mad and talks in absolutes, uses passive aggressive tactics, etc. but he won't. So call me the blamer, but at least I tried!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I lived that marriage for ten years, ebp. I know what it's like to go round and round. Until one of you jumps completely off the merry go round, it wont get better. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you, and neither of you want to get hurt. 

Progress will begin when one of you takes a huge emotional risk.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> What can we say to help a person who is hurting? What can we do to put ourselves in their shoes instead of trying to drag them into ours?
> 
> For all for bemoaning of lack of empathy in marriage, I see a startling death of it right here.


I wish I could contribute more positively to these threads. A big part of getting past blame is just understanding why the other person did what they did and why it seemed to make sense to them at the time and wasn't malicious from their point of view.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

Dear Getting it>

As a husband who desperately wants the merry go round to stop...how ...does one jump off it as you suggest?

Thanks


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ebp123 said:


> As long as you tell her why you aren't. That you respect that there's a lot going in and the transition to motherhood and new baby demands are the reason you aren't initiating, then I think there's no spinelessness at all. After that, though, if things don't return to normal, a spineless man would just accept the new status quo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think all of us have a tendency to view our own situation as the baseline in these discussions and I guess I'm just as guilty as the next person. 

In my own case, it was not for lack of me initiating. We celebrated our tenth anniversary shortly after the first child was born, so it wasn't like we were newlyweds either. 

The happy, smiling person who played the piano, sang all the time and spun pirouettes on the hardwood floors in her socks just disappeared. She never touched the piano I had gotten her for our first anniversary ever again and even today, it still sits in a spare bedroom covered in a sheet. And we're talking about someone who could play Scott Joplin, which is no mean feat in my amateur opinion. To describe it here, it sounds like undiagnosed depression of some sort. But she says that's not true and that her priorities in life had simply changed.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I wish I could contribute more positively to these threads. A big part of getting past blame is just understanding why the other person did what they did and why it seemed to make sense to them at the time and wasn't malicious from their point of view.



I know all of the above yet it has not done any good to know it in terms of fixing it....


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

nightmoves8 said:


> Dear Getting it>
> 
> As a husband who desperately wants the merry go round to stop...how ...does one jump off it as you suggest?
> 
> Thanks


Nightmoves, without a lot more information about your marriage, I don't think I could begin to offer you advice. Do you have a support thread started somewhere?

I don't know where you are in the process, but I do think the general "you can only change yourself" sort of advice is usually the most productive. 

I jumped off the merry go round by immediately putting frequent sex back into our marriage (initiating daily) and apologizing to my husband for my part in the demise of our intimacy. I then entered individual therapy to begin to work on some deep resentments that had affected my ability to be attracted to him, and worked on reestablishing my libido to its former high drive status. I didn't ask him to do a single thing in return, but it didn't take long for him to join me in rebuilding our eroded intimacy. 

I think I benefited far more than he did from the changes I've made to myself for the sake of my marriage. He might disagree.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

john117 said:


> I know all of the above yet it has not done any good to know it in terms of fixing it....


I think that this is sometimes true--it takes two to tango, after all. Sometimes one person's honest efforts are enough to change the dynamic and prompt the other person to change, too. But everyone has a point at which they believe they truly cannot do anymore, and yet they decide to stay in the marriage. Sometimes after a period of time they decide to try something new and different, and they have a breakthrough. Sometimes they become resigned, yet stay for a reason they deem to be worth the pain. Sometimes they find solace in having an "exit plan" for a time down the road. 

But I think protecting oneself from bitterness is so important. When you feel the bitterness changing you into someone you no longer recognize, it is time to leave. When you find yourself contemplating things you never thought you'd contemplate, then it's time to leave. There is nothing worth trading your dignity and sense of self worth for.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Nightmoves,
I just came over from your thread to find you here. I'm a bit reluctant to answer your question but as you persist Here Goes . . . 

The trouble you are having is in trying to apply what you would expect from a rational person to a person who is not rational. There are plenty of LD people who really don't want sex. Then there are people with reactive desire That want sex but don't really need it so the don't suffer agony as a result of sex avoidance. Then there are people who avoid sexual activity due to an outside imposed morality that makes them believe that they are guilty for doing what they really do want. Those people may be in agony and can only be free if they believe that they are innocent. Then there is your case: BPD diagnosed, self medicating, getting progressively worse. There is only one way to deal with that. Treatment! When she has her disorder under control then you can address this situation.

MN


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

GettingIt said:


> I think that this is sometimes true--it takes two to tango, after all. Sometimes one person's honest efforts are enough to change the dynamic and prompt the other person to change, too. But everyone has a point at which they believe they truly cannot do anymore, and yet they decide to stay in the marriage. Sometimes after a period of time they decide to try something new and different, and they have a breakthrough. Sometimes they become resigned, yet stay for a reason they deem to be worth the pain. Sometimes they find solace in having an "exit plan" for a time down the road.
> 
> But I think protecting oneself from bitterness is so important. When you feel the bitterness changing you into someone you no longer recognize, it is time to leave. When you find yourself contemplating things you never thought you'd contemplate, then it's time to leave. There is nothing worth trading your dignity and sense of self worth for.


I've crossed the bitterness threshold. I know it well. I no longer recognize myself and am working I my exit strategy. I can't bring myself to initiate sex with him, as I have zero confidence he will take any steps in my direction. As I've said previously, he's not told anyone we have marital issues. He spends hours reading sports blogs and zero time thinking about how to fix our marriage. He basically wants me to shut up and act happy. If I had sex with him and pretended nothing was wrong, that would become my new reality instantly. And it would never progress from that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ebp123 said:


> I've crossed the bitterness threshold. I know it well. I no longer recognize myself and am working I my exit strategy. I can't bring myself to initiate sex with him, as I have zero confidence he will take any steps in my direction. As I've said previously, he's not told anyone we have marital issues. He spends hours reading sports blogs and zero time thinking about how to fix our marriage. He basically wants me to shut up and act happy. If I had sex with him and pretended nothing was wrong, that would become my new reality instantly. And it would never progress from that point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you believe your marriage is beyond repair and staying is making you a lesser person, then I believe you should save yourself. When our hope flees, our will is usually not far behind.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> It is interesting to hear that a woman might view it that way and not something I would have thought of myself
> 
> There is a note of defeat in admitting you can't fix a problem in your life akin to admitting you're lost and asking for directions. Sometimes that sticks in people's throats and there are plenty of men who can be pretty stubborn in that regard.
> 
> Realistically, if it happened with one woman, it can happen with another. If a series of relationships that end at the seven to ten year point is what a man wants out of life, then he's probably not the type that would have ever gotten married in the first place.


Stubborn. Conflict avoidant. Other reasons... Not sure it matters what the reason is so much as what not addressing the issue does.

Say your marriage is a car. You are both in it, driving along, and the tire goes flat. You want to pull over and fix it, he doesn't. You have the tire and he has the bolts. You need both to fix the flat, and you finally convince him to pull over. You say you will put the new tire on, but he won't give up the bolts. You try to explain what will happen if you are forced to drive on the flat, but no amount of rational explanation will budge him. So finally you accept the flat tire.

You keep driving your car with the flat. The car is slow, you can barely steer, and you are damaging the heck out of the car you once wanted so much. And you keep driving until you are barely crawling. Sparks are flying and the car is nearly beyond repair. You keep trying I convince your spouse to use the bolts, say "we can do this, but I need you to do your part." He says he's fine with he car the way it is. Keep driving."

Eventually he car won't go any further. You are stuck. Other cars are flying by with happy people going places. You are miserable and going nowhere. You are furious that your car is wrecked, that you are stuck, and you can't stand the sight of the person who, if they had just done their part, would have been your partner in success instead of the reason for where you are now. You may have wanted that car once, but it doesn't look like the car you bout and it can't take you anywhere now. 

That's what it is like to be married to someone who refuses to address the problems in the marriage (your car). So, just like the wrecked car, you leave the wrecked marriage that isn't going anywhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I wish I could contribute more positively to these threads. A big part of getting past blame is just understanding why the other person did what they did and why it seemed to make sense to them at the time and wasn't malicious from their point of view.





john117 said:


> I know all of the above yet it has not done any good to know it in terms of fixing it....



"Seek first to understand." -- Steven Covey

"But don't take too long. Don't bet your life on figuring it out. Don't expect to be right. Don't expect anyone to have the same understanding or like yours. Don't expect it to point you in the right direction.

"Understanding may make the other seem worthy of compassion, forgiveness, even love. It may make the past easier to let go of, but it will never change it.

"If the quest for understanding has a been a lonely pursuit, so will be the after-party."

- Me




This has been a risky area for me. There are blind spots and pitfalls. 

I have sought to understand people for as long as I can remember. I suspect my seeking to understand was born as a coping strategy, since understanding (or supposed understanding) provides these "benefits":


reduces my responsibility for the undesirable behavior from the other
makes the other seem more human and perhaps worthy of forgiveness, thereby shielding me from the discomfort of "thinking badly" of them or creating a life apart
makes me feel smart, as I "know" just what the other is being driven by
gives me something to do inside my head so I don't have to feel the reality of the present moment



Seeking understanding of the other has its use. But like anything, it can be misused. I have done so.

Not saying any of you have done that. Haven't even given that thought. Just telling myself I have to be careful. Time is not waiting for me.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> "Seek first to understand." -- Steven Covey
> 
> "But don't take too long. Don't bet your life on figuring it out. Don't expect to be right. Don't expect anyone to have the same understanding or like yours. Don't expect it to point you in the right direction.
> 
> ...


This interests me greatly. I am forever trying to understand, in particular, what angers or unsettles me. It hasn't occurred to me (yet) that this could ever be a bad thing. It just feels . . . more powerful, I suppose, to understand.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> Seeking understanding of the other has its use. But like anything, it can be misused. I have done so.


I think there's probably a fine line between understanding another person's behavior and excusing their behavior, so perhaps it works better as a retrospective tool after changes have been made.

I understand my wife's personality so much better at the forty year mark than I did at the ten year mark. If I had only known then what I know now....LOL.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I think there's probably a fine line between understanding another person's behavior and excusing their behavior, so perhaps it works better as a retrospective tool after changes have been made.
> 
> I understand my wife's personality so much better at the forty year mark than I did at the ten year mark. If I had only known then what I know now....LOL.


What could you have done differently?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

treyvion said:


> What could you have done differently?


Well a lot of this is specific to my wife's personality and her family, so I'm not sure if it will be of any help.

One thing I should have paid attention to and did not, was the level of dysfunction in her parent's marriage. My parents couldn't keep their hands off each other the whole time I was growing up. They still can't and they're very elderly today. I thought that's what most marriages were like. Boy, was I ever wrong. Her parents were polite to each other in public, but slept in separate bedrooms for at least the last thirty years of their lives. I don't know what went wrong in their marriage and feel bad for both of them today. 

I would have realized the influence that mothers sometimes have over their daughters. Even today, my wife will still sometimes do goofy things for no other reason than that's the way her mother did them. I would have realized that her happy, carefree, almost silly behavior prior to children was in some ways, that of a child and that there was a ticking time-bomb in her head set to go off the instant she had children herself. She morphed into the pattern of motherhood set by her mother.

Realizing all that, I would not have taken things nearly as personally as I did and this sounds a little cruel, but I would probably have moved us to a different part of the country away from her family early on.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Longest was probably somewhere between 8 and 14 months, I'm not sure exactly. Most of the 2000's were once or twice a year pace. Currently on a 6 week drought.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

ebp123 said:


> Stubborn. Conflict avoidant. Other reasons... Not sure it matters what the reason is so much as what not addressing the issue does.
> 
> Say your marriage is a car. You are both in it, driving along, and the tire goes flat. You want to pull over and fix it, he doesn't. You have the tire and he has the bolts. You need both to fix the flat, and you finally convince him to pull over. You say you will put the new tire on, but he won't give up the bolts. You try to explain what will happen if you are forced to drive on the flat, but no amount of rational explanation will budge him. So finally you accept the flat tire.
> 
> ...


This is the best analogy used for a broken marriage, let me add another aspect to this...suppose the husband kept saying, "hey we need to go to get gas to make this car go faster. See all of the other cars have gas, that is why they are running." But, from the beginning you told him about the flat tire, and he ignored it. He figures that you will solve that later once you get to the gas station. But, it is just a gas station with no repair shop. Once you fill the tank,the car goes nowhere. "We need to repair the tire" you scream .

This analogy is for when one spouse has a problem in the marriage, but the other spouse barely acknowledges it because all of their needs are met (sex). Resentment builds until you lose sexual desire towards this person. The person now thinks, where did the sex go? But you have been trying to discuss the other issue for so long, and you wonder why they only notice when the sex is gone.

Sometimes in these threads started by HD people I wonder what would their spouse say the problem is from their end. Of course it would sound like empty excuses to a person who would be happy with just having their sex life the way it used to be...


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

techmom said:


> Sometimes in these threads started by HD people I wonder what would their spouse say the problem is from their end.


That would be interesting! 

I think sometimes though, we do a disservice to each other here on TAM by assuming other people are like our spouse.

The stubborn type who's driving on a flat tire and refusing to admit it is not likely to come here in the first place. All of us, (HD & LD alike) are more likely to be the ones who've lain awake night after night and practically torn our hair out trying to fix the problem.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> This is crazy talk. I think you guys should see a counselor together. A lack of sex and affections is a serious issue which will cause stress in the entire house.
> 
> A new mother should realize that yes while her children are her priority, that taking care of and babying that man from time to time are important too. It's healthy for the kids to have a healthy and whole father.


Point well taken, but remember that I'm dealing with someone that has the maturity of a middle-school kid. She does see a counselor, and I have a feeling that she's told that it's natural to not want to have sex at our age with little kids (to be fair, I don't know this, total unfounded speculation). It's all about the kids; sex is way down on the priority list.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

ocotillo said:


> That would be interesting!
> 
> I think sometimes though, we do a disservice to each other here on TAM by assuming other people are like our spouse.
> 
> The stubborn type who's driving on a flat tire and refusing to admit it is not likely to come here in the first place. All of us, (HD & LD alike) are more likely to be the ones who've lain awake night after night and practically torn our hair out trying to fix the problem.


Exactly my situation. If you ask my H why he doesn't address the problems in our marriage, he's likely to respond with "I don't know." If pressed, he will get angry, throw blame back at me, say I have double standards... Anything that will divert the conversation so he won't have to deal with the problem. As I said before, my H doesn't initiate sex or even bring it up. I do bring it up and tell him that I need to trust him again by being able to work together. And I need to feel an emotional connection to him on order to want to make love. But those things are so scary to him (I think he's afraid of failure) that he would rather go without sex than be honest and open. I can't help but lose respect for him when he willfully neglects the issues at hand, and that's another requirement for me. I don't want to have sex with someone I don't respect.

If only he would use TAM instead of spending all of his online time on sports blogs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

ebp123 said:


> Exactly my situation. If you ask my H why he doesn't address the problems in our marriage, he's likely to respond with "I don't know." If pressed, he will get angry, throw blame back at me, say I have double standards... Anything that will divert the conversation so he won't have to deal with the problem. As I said before, my H doesn't initiate sex or even bring it up. I do bring it up and tell him that I need to trust him again by being able to work together. And I need to feel an emotional connection to him on order to want to make love. But those things are so scary to him (I think he's afraid of failure) that he would rather go without sex than be honest and open. I can't help but lose respect for him when he willfully neglects the issues at hand, and that's another requirement for me. I don't want to have sex with someone I don't respect.
> 
> If only he would use TAM instead of spending all of his online time on sports blogs!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like he is in the "miserable, but comfortably so" camp. Where he knows what to expect, and is not happy. Knowing how each day is going to go gives him comfort .. no surprises to speak of. So he is comfortable being that way and will not take any risk to change it.

He needs a shock to make him take a risk.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

fightforher said:


> Sounds like he is in the "miserable, but comfortably so" camp. Where he knows what to expect, and is not happy. Knowing how each day is going to go gives him comfort .. no surprises to speak of. So he is comfortable being that way and will not take any risk to change it.
> 
> He needs a shock to make him take a risk.


Separation may be it. I am planning that now. Just have so much going on now (DS6 has multiple issues that require major time and financial investment) plus we have debts to pay off. I will be moving out in the next 6 to 12 months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Point well taken, but remember that I'm dealing with someone that has the maturity of a middle-school kid. *She does see a counselor, and I have a feeling that she's told that it's natural to not want to have sex at our age with little kids (to be fair, I don't know this, total unfounded speculation). * It's all about the kids; sex is way down on the priority list.


When I have speculated about what someone is thinking or saying, it has failed me, either by taking action (or justifying inaction) based upon that speculation, or muddying my thoughts until the line between speculation and known facts starts to blur.

I realize you went out of your way to point out you really don't know, so maybe you will be more careful.

Just stating my personal experience, fwiw.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

In the past wife and I were unable to have an honest dialogue about unmet needs. Eventually I forced it, and WW3 was upon us. After 1 year of waging war we reached a semi "peace accord", but by this point, neither of us had much emotional energy left to fix things. The war brought us to a new understanding of each other but also opened our eyes to the level of effort required to fix our marriage.

Today the thought of a desirous marriage still feels nearly as unreachable as before, albeit for a different reason. (And according to a more agreeable disposition, so I am grateful for that.)

-seahorse




john117 said:


> I know all of the above yet it has not done any good to know it in terms of fixing it....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's basically where we are as well. As long as her paycheck clears I turn a blind eye towards the rest of her. Let's hope she does the same.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

A lot of problems stem from miscommunication or no communication at all. There's nothing worse than having to guess what's wrong, because if you are doing something wrong, then you can't fix it and the situation slowly deteriorates.

We had communication problems. We still do. I got angry, still no answer because that made it worse. After many years, I got to know that she was struggling mentally. But she wouldn't elaborate and she kept saying she was fine. She was behaving normally. So, why no sex? Why all the rejection? Obviously, she was struggling and was lot worse that she would lead me to believe. She just couldn't open up. I was in the dark. Having no answer made me mad and that, in turn, made her withdraw even more. It was just stupid. With that knowledge, I would have behaved in a completely different way. Too late for that. Not sure if my wife holds a grudge. But I'm not a mind reader.

Not that it would have made any difference. She still refuses therapy. Very sad seeing your marriage ending down the drain when it could have been fixed. I just wish partners would be very frank and open towards each other. With no communication, openness and, above all, honesty, there is no future.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, I am a mind reader by training and trade and can tell you that knowing isn't helping anything... She knows I know. 

I do know what's going on inside her head 100%. It doesn't matter.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

john117 said:


> Well, I am a mind reader by training and trade and can tell you that knowing isn't helping anything... She knows I know.
> 
> I do know what's going on inside her head 100%. It doesn't matter.


well, I think it actually would have made a difference to me... I would have got out when it was still feasible...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you have read my story in my case it happened at year 25. Now at year 30 I'm running the clock out and collecting paychecks...

Had it happened earlier, likely.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

john117 said:


> If you have read my story in my case it happened at year 25. Now at year 30 I'm running the clock out and collecting paychecks...
> 
> Had it happened earlier, likely.


I do remember your story... I should have got out at year 10, but I didn't... next year, it will be year 30 for us (including pre-marriage)...


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

The longest period without having intercourse was a very long time. It was due to failing health at one time- And the ongoing mechanical challenges of two bodies in mingle .


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Longest period in your marriage without sex ?

Other than right before and after the birth of our children, maybe a week here or there if that. We will be together 28 years this November. Usually 3 to 4 times a week in general depending on our schedules.

The real point being is that we make time for each other.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

John, I am truly sorry to hear this about your marriage. What specifically do you blame for this? Exhaustion? Is resentment derailing things?




john117 said:


> Well, I am a mind reader by training and trade and can tell you that knowing isn't helping anything... She knows I know.
> 
> I do know what's going on inside her head 100%. It doesn't matter.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

seahorse said:


> John, I am truly sorry to hear this about your marriage. What specifically do you blame for this? Exhaustion? Is resentment derailing things?



A perfect storm of BPD, growing up in a theocracy, resentment, imaginary work stress, cultural differences, and many other things.

As the guy said, life is like a 10 speed bicycle. There are gears we never use....

The funny part - sex is the least of my worries. Tomorrow we will try for a 30 mile ride and I want to do that far more than I want sex or anything else. It's a personal quest more than anything else.

That and get my daughters into to top grad/med school programs


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......if this thread is around in 11 months ....I'll let you know if ...at the moment ...my wife is trying to one-up our no-sex record of 18 months ......we're at 8 months now ...and sex is all but impossible ...because she's chosen to sleep on the couch.

.....I won't pursue her ....not this time ....not ever again. If it ends like this ....then so be it. I've filled my quota for being an idiot.

.....some may say it's all about communications ....but I don't buy that in all instances. When she exhibits no significant 'desire' for / towards me ....there seems that there's nothing that can be done to spark her interest. And ...I won't try to find a way ..... it's not my chore to do so ...nor should it have been my job for the past 19 years.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ......if this thread is around in 11 months ....I'll let you know if ...at the moment ...my wife is trying to one-up our no-sex record of 18 months ......we're at 8 months now ...and sex is all but impossible ...because she's chosen to sleep on the couch.
> 
> .....I won't pursue her ....not this time ....not ever again. If it ends like this ....then so be it. I've filled my quota for being an idiot.


Hurtin' -- why not relinquish the title of her husband? If I remember right from CWI, your youngest is now 18. You aren't the guy you wanted to be, in large part because of your wife, and how you handled her actions.

Leave. Move up in class. It's not quitting. Find someone else. I'd think adultery can still be the cause for divorce -- a lawyer would be able to tell you how to prove it. Or lack of sex can be grounds for divorce. 
Why are you continuing to live with this woman? (And someone surely should ask me that, as well.)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

john117 said:


> The funny part - sex is the least of my worries. Tomorrow we will try for a 30 mile ride and I want to do that far more than I want sex or anything else. It's a personal quest more than anything else.



We managed to complete the 30 miles... Thankfully the weather cooperated. We were both exhausted. I guess the proper hormones got released (along with some bourbon to help with restoring the electrolytes  ) and wouldn't you know it...

View attachment 28713


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

john117 said:


> We managed to complete the 30 miles... Thankfully the weather cooperated. We were both exhausted. I guess the proper hormones got released (along with some bourbon to help with restoring the electrolytes  ) and wouldn't you know it...




I hope you were wearing a helmet.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Wife made a comment last Friday saying that since it's a long weekend, we should have sex. Of course, followed that up by complaining about her raging headache and saying how tired she is...

Going on a year and a half.....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Wife made a comment last Friday saying that since it's a long weekend, we should have sex. Of course, followed that up by complaining about her raging headache and saying how tired she is...
> 
> Going on a year and a half.....


Almost like a computer program.

The "we should have sex" sounded like a good remark to say given the situation and outlook.

Then her other program kicked in when it was time. This push-pull rejection style sucks worse than not being offered.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Almost like a computer program.
> 
> The "we should have sex" sounded like a good remark to say given the situation and outlook.
> 
> Then her other program kicked in when it was time. This push-pull rejection style sucks worse than not being offered.


Yep, agree. Like when she will say "you can initiate if you want sex" - um, why would I bother to initiate with someone that's always tired and has a headache? It obviously doesn't bother you that we're not having sex. 

I feel and sympathize with those (man and woman) that are in a similar situation.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, agree. Like when she will say "you can initiate if you want sex" - um, why would I bother to initiate with someone that's always tired and has a headache?


On the other hand if you do actually want sex you could as suggested by her initiate it.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Our longest time without sex so far has been 13 weeks - on average we have sex once every 5 or 6 weeks. Considering we haven't yet been married for 2 years, the 13 weeks represents nearly 12% of our marriage. Unless things change, I can't see me lasting for a third year which is really unfortunate.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

just came off a bad period. sort of living in 2 locations due to life circumstances, wife had sort of long term ea with gay friend (at least he is gay by everyones standards... who really knows)

Sex problems started long ago with a work affair. I kicked her out but took her back (a 1 year old and business together). she did all the right things... for a while.

now gay friend is gone. second house is gone and we live together. There was tension and no sex for months. I finally put my foot down. Now she initiates 1-2 x a week. For me to sucessfully initiate, i have to play the timing game just right... but its working for me. and hopefully her. She doesn't seem to be too resentful these days.:lol:


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Personal said:


> On the other hand if you do actually want sex you could as suggested by her initiate it.


Tried that, and it's just talk. It's her way of making herself not appear as asexual as she really is. She constantly complains about how tired she is (she hates her job, and says that's why she's always tired), and all she wants to do is sleep and eat (her plan to exercise every day is way out the window). Sex is way, way, way, way down on the priority list.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Then there was the man who upon arriving home went straight to the medicine cabinet got two Excedrin, and poured a glass of water. He took these to his bewildered wife. She asked "what is that?" He replied "two Excedrin and a glass of water." She asked "why did you bring me that? I don't have a headache." He replies "Ah Ha!"


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

9 months now for us. The bad thing is I'm really kind of over worrying about it. It's hard to want someone who obviously doesn't want you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Tried that, and it's just talk. It's her way of making herself not appear as asexual as she really is. She constantly complains about how tired she is (she hates her job, and says that's why she's always tired), and all she wants to do is sleep and eat (her plan to exercise every day is way out the window). Sex is way, way, way, way down on the priority list.


I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you both can find a way back to each other. With the above mentioned problems, is it possible she is suffering from depression?


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## YummyGirl (Jul 23, 2014)

Well, I explain my situation in this post:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/210642-other.html

My husband and I haven't had a successful sexual encounter in over a year. By that I mean, we've attempted sex twice (Nov 2013, July 2014) and both times, it didn't work out. When neither party comes and neither party is satisfied, I don't count it. 

It's been absolutely miserable as my sexual desire continues to increase every day. I feel I'm missing out on something special, something amazing. I can't even watch sex scenes in movies anymore. 

We love each other, we are affectionate with each other (to a point, I don't want to get turned on and not be satisfied), and we are best friends. Sometimes, I think that's the problem. Maybe your spouse isn't supposed to be your best friend. Thoughts?

~YG 
_
climbing the walls like a wild cat in heat_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

YummyGirl said:


> Well, I explain my situation in this post:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/210642-other.html
> 
> My husband and I haven't had a successful sexual encounter in over a year. By that I mean, we've attempted sex twice (Nov 2013, July 2014) and both times, it didn't work out. When neither party comes and neither party is satisfied, I don't count it.
> ...


YummyGirl;

sorry to hear that.

what are the problems when you do come together?
Why is sex unsatisfying? Is he just not 'into it' or what?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

YummyGirl said:


> Well, I explain my situation in this post:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/210642-other.html
> 
> My husband and I haven't had a successful sexual encounter in over a year. By that I mean, we've attempted sex twice (Nov 2013, July 2014) and both times, it didn't work out. When neither party comes and neither party is satisfied, I don't count it.
> ...


I know where you're coming from - my husband and I are like best friends after less than two years of marriage. It's now got to the stage where the sex is so infrequent that I would rather have my own bedroom and just not bother with the sex part. I have suggested that we have an open relationship which he was not too impressed with. I've stressed that I'm not getting anywhere near enough sex and that this has led to me feeling that we have more of a brother/sister relationship than a husband/wife relationship. He's taken this on board, accepts that I have a problem with it but makes very little effort to do anything about this. We've been married for less than two years, so my hopes for the future are not particularly high right now. I know that I would probably be better off divorcing him, but neither of us can afford that right now so coming up with a way of living with each other as housemates is the only way forward I can see right now. Persuading him that if he doesn't want to have sex with me then it's only fair to have an open marriage so that I can have my sexual needs met is going to be a tough one though. I personally really can't see the problem. Just because he doesn't want sex any more doesn't need to mean that I don't get the sex I want. I would be quite happy right now to get sex outside the marriage so that I can put my frustrations aside and get on with life happily.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

doobie;

how old is hubby?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> doobie;
> 
> how old is hubby?


Husband is 55, one year younger than me. However, he has not taken care of his health, is on heart medication (which he is avoiding getting checked just as he is avoiding getting T levels checked) and drinks half a bottle of whiskey most days. I do Yoga daily, eat a healthy vegetarian diet and don't drink so I'm feeling pretty fit and healthy. I honestly feel like I'm living with an 80 year old.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

no wonder.

he needs to step to the line obviously and start getting in shape.

does he want to die young? I doubt it, so get moving!!

you/he knows this already. it's a matter of getting him away from the TV/Computer

walking is a very enjoyable, low stress activity and can do wonders for your health and mental well being.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> no wonder.
> 
> he needs to step to the line obviously and start getting in shape.
> 
> ...


He actually talked me into letting him get a dog four months ago by saying he would walk the dog on a daily basis which would be good exercise for him. However, it got to the point last week where I started to insist that we get rid of the dog as it hadn't yet been walked! He's now walked the dog twice (two evenings in a row) and comes back out of breath and exhausted. He seems to just accept that his health is crap and is not willing to put into place any healthy eating plan or exercise regime in order to improve it. His diet is appalling and we cook for ourselves and eat separately - he blames this on me being a vegetarian, but even if I did eat meat, I would not be able to live on just meat and bread as he does. We don't have a TV so he whiles away the time while I'm working by sitting in an armchair reading. I'm constantly trying to get my work finished so I can spend some time in the garden as we have quite a lot to do out there. He's been promising to paint the kitchen for the past 10 weeks (bought everything he needs weeks ago), but it hasn't been done yet. Once it gets to about 7 or 8 pm, he's feeling so uncomfortable from sitting on his butt all day that he has to go and lie on the bed instead. He does talk now and again about how it's not fair to me that he's so unfit (and expects to die before the age of 60) and talks about doing something about it - however, talking and doing are two entirely different things. We've talked about sex but we don't actually do it very often.


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## YummyGirl (Jul 23, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> YummyGirl;
> 
> sorry to hear that.
> 
> ...


Hello Jorgegene,
You can read the full story at the link I posted, but in nutshell, he has ED, Peyronie's Disease, and some psychological issues (that began shortly after he proposed) as well that have prevented intimacy. 
Bottom line: I have to decide if I want to stay in a sexless marriage or not. 
~YG


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Doobie, at the risk of asking a bad question, why did you marry him?

I'm not exactly Mr. Universe material at 54 but not a corpse either. As I am contemplating my post apocalyptic (single) future I realize that health is just as much of an issue as anything else at our age.

Heck, I'm not even sure my lovely if frigid wife will be on my side if ever I get a close call to meet my maker, be it coronary disease, whiskey, or a cycling accident. And we just "celebrated" our 28th anniversary. There's a not a lot of single, available, reasonable, and relatively healthy people out there, Darned Be the Golden Girls... 

A couple months ago I did meet an extremely good match but alas, the last time I did a clinical rotation was in 1981... I know enough about health to know that is a red flag... I'm way too old to play Florence Nightingale. After 30 years together it's a different story but in a new relationship everything is fair game.

Bottom line, get his behind to a competent doctor or three and once he feels better he will do better.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Rick3 said:


> Going through a long drought now. I know a lot of people are here for the same reasons as me, intimacy/sex issues. Just curious how long is the longest. My wife and I are in our longest drought currently and wondering on a scale of bad how bad it is.


Estimated 12 years. Don't let it go too long. It's tough to get it back.


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## YummyGirl (Jul 23, 2014)

doobie said:


> I know where you're coming from - my husband and I are like best friends after less than two years of marriage. It's now got to the stage where the sex is so infrequent that I would rather have my own bedroom and just not bother with the sex part. I have suggested that we have an open relationship which he was not too impressed with.


Well, he's not being fair. You're needs are not being met!



doobie said:


> I've stressed that I'm not getting anywhere near enough sex and that this has led to me feeling that we have more of a brother/sister relationship than a husband/wife relationship. He's taken this on board, accepts that I have a problem with it but makes very little effort to do anything about this.


I do give my husband credit for doing everything under the sun to make our sex life better; it's just his efforts are not working. 



doobie said:


> We've been married for less than two years, so my hopes for the future are not particularly high right now. I know that I would probably be better off divorcing him, but neither of us can afford that right now so coming up with a way of living with each other as housemates is the only way forward I can see right now.


I hear you on the financial issue. I will say I knew someone in a similar situation; she was with her man for about a year. I told her to get out because 1) he was making no effort whatsoever to improve the situation and 2) she was not as invested yet. They were very serious, lived together, on the path to marriage, but not there yet. She finally dumped him and a few months later, she met her dream man. She is extremely satisfied in every way now.



doobie said:


> Persuading him that if he doesn't want to have sex with me then it's only fair to have an open marriage so that I can have my sexual needs met is going to be a tough one though. I personally really can't see the problem.


Agreed.



doobie said:


> Just because he doesn't want sex any more doesn't need to mean that I don't get the sex I want. I would be quite happy right now to get sex outside the marriage so that I can put my frustrations aside and get on with life happily.


I completely understand and I'm totally rooting for you.
~YG
:iagree:


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## GI Joe (Sep 6, 2014)

I think 4 months? Average is about every 6 weeks. And she initiates with, "well, I guess we should do it..." 

Fantastic.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

GI Joe said:


> And she initiates with, "well, I guess we should do it..."


Have you been having sex with my wife? Dang.  Up to 12 years ago, I heard that so much that it's one of the things that keeps me from wanting to try again!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Sorry for the delay in replying. That may be - she does hate her job, and supposedly that makes her tired. She also has a sibling that's nothing but a total PITA that she won't stand up to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You might look into devices like the fitbit, jawbone, basis, bodymedia Fit. Eye opening for me as to how sedentary I had been, and how much difference can a regular walk or to make.



I haven't advanced beyond the walking yet. But some of the gamefication aspects as well as tracking trends have been motivating.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

About 3 months. It was towards the end of my pregnancy and right after I had my baby, I was pretty stitched up because I had a 3rd degree tear. I didn't want to risk tearing apart the stitches. It was hard on both of us lol but we're happily having sex again, when baby gives us a chance


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## Cmackdaddy (Dec 24, 2012)

Wow, just WOW! We have been married for 32 years next Wednesday and other than times when I was working overseas some years back we have never gone longer than a week. Even though I'm 58 and my wife is 50 we still average 3-4 times weekly. We both initiate about equally. I simply cannot comprehend the time period I'm reading here. In my mind and that of my wife, these long periods with lack of sexual intimacy cross the line from marriage to room mates.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A week and a half?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cmackdaddy said:


> Wow, just WOW! We have been married for 32 years next Wednesday and other than times when I was working overseas some years back we have never gone longer than a week. Even though I'm 58 and my wife is 50 we still average 3-4 times weekly. We both initiate about equally. I simply cannot comprehend the time period I'm reading here. In my mind and that of my wife, these long periods with lack of sexual intimacy cross the line from marriage to room mates.


Happy anniversary (a little early). Perhaps you might post something about your success in the long term success category. A lot of us wish it was easy to get to where you are in this regard.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Cmackdaddy said:


> Wow, just WOW! We have been married for 32 years next Wednesday and other than times when I was working overseas some years back we have never gone longer than a week. Even though I'm 58 and my wife is 50 we still average 3-4 times weekly. We both initiate about equally. I simply cannot comprehend the time period I'm reading here. In my mind and that of my wife, these long periods with lack of sexual intimacy cross the line from marriage to room mates.


You've been a member since 2012, you have been married for over 30 years, have sex frequently and this is your first post? Nothing is here ever grabbed you?


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## Sidney Jinx (Sep 8, 2014)

4 months


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## Cmackdaddy (Dec 24, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> You've been a member since 2012, you have been married for over 30 years, have sex frequently and this is your first post? Nothing is here ever grabbed you?


Yup, first post. I don't normally post when I don't feel like I can add value to a topic. This one just grabbed me for some reason. I'm working on a post for the long term success stories forum. As a matter of fact I have emailed a copy of my intended post to my wife, so she can add her thoughts to it. I'm a lurker by nature but will try to do better in the future


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Cmackdaddy said:


> Yup, first post. I don't normally post when I don't feel like I can add value to a topic. This one just grabbed me for some reason. I'm working on a post for the long term success stories forum. As a matter of fact I have emailed a copy of my intended post to my wife, so she can add her thoughts to it. I'm a lurker by nature but will try to do better in the future


 I would greatly appreciate your insight!


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

wow some of these responses are incredible. "3 days maximum. Then something has to happen" lol. While I was pregnant my husband would go at least a week and 1/2 before asking. He knew it physically hurt me when we had sex. And he felt bad about asking me. I remember just apologizing to him so much for not being able to giving it to him when he wanted it. 3 days is a max to some? WOW! LOL. I think the longest we have gone was 4 weeks b/c after I had our son it was per the doctor b/c of stitches and swelling to not have sex. And my husband was totally fine.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

We just finished a year without sex. I should be resentful but i strangely do not care. Her complete lack of desire has rubbed off on me. We tried to get in the mood the other day but found that Criminal Minds was more interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> We just finished a year without sex. I should be resentful but i strangely do not care. Her complete lack of desire has rubbed off on me. We tried to get in the mood the other day but found that Criminal Minds was more interesting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


when you don't have sex for a long time, you just don't think about it any more... it's a given. For me it's a mixture of losing respect for my wife, falling out of love and not wanting to be rejected any more.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Perhaps some of you should just cut your losses and move on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Perhaps some of you should just cut your losses and move on.


will do... not time yet... we do have sex once a month...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Samayouchan said:


> wow some of these responses are incredible. "3 days maximum. Then something has to happen" lol. While I was pregnant my husband would go at least a week and 1/2 before asking. He knew it physically hurt me when we had sex. And he felt bad about asking me. I remember just apologizing to him so much for not being able to giving it to him when he wanted it. 3 days is a max to some? WOW! LOL. I think the longest we have gone was 4 weeks b/c after I had our son it was per the doctor b/c of stitches and swelling to not have sex. And my husband was totally fine.


As long as you and your husband were fine, that's really all that matters.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Tried that, and it's just talk. It's her way of making herself not appear as asexual as she really is. She constantly complains about how tired she is (she hates her job, and says that's why she's always tired), and all she wants to do is sleep and eat (her plan to exercise every day is way out the window). Sex is way, way, way, way down on the priority list.


Yeah, its just a way of reversing the argument and taking the blame off her shoulders. ive gotten the same like during multiple of our "Talks"

For the first 3 years of my marriage i tried to initiate all the time, by the fourth year i just didnt care anymore. I would rather spend an hour cleaning toilets then have awkward sex with my wife who is obviously not in the mood and only doing it to shut me up. After years of lies, excuses, head aches, stress, supposed medical issues that doctors dismiss, i have come to realize sex just isnt a priority for her, as you said its WAY down on the list.

And thats ok, thats who she is and i dont want her to be someone she isnt. But what does bother me is leading me on for years acting like she was someone different, making up excuses the whole time for why she only wanted to do it once a month.



In Absentia said:


> when you don't have sex for a long time, you just don't think about it any more... it's a given. For me it's a mixture of losing respect for my wife, falling out of love and not wanting to be rejected any more.


Considering it happens about once a month that means if i initiate it ive got about a 97% chance of being pissed off and biter all night or a 3% chance of her laying there like a corpse unexcited while i think about that short blonde girl at the gym who always wears spandex. 

Or i can just find a good movie on netflix and have a 100% chance of having a good time.

Keep in mind while i type this im also reading up on how to get a divorce haha

My advice to those young and having the same issues get out now, my regret is believe all of the excuses and waiting much longer than i have.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Toshiba2020 said:


> My advice to those young and having the same issues get out now, my regret is believe all of the excuses and waiting much longer than i have.



yep... just get out... hopefully, before you're having kids...

Having said that, there was no sign before the kids...


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> yep... just get out... hopefully, before you're having kids...
> 
> Having said that, there was no sign before the kids...


OH MAN.......

Not sure if I should laugh - or - cry.....

THAT in so many cases ...is the rub....ain't it.

BEFORE the kids....so many times....all great.....
THAN ...sex goes away.

Irony of it all


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Adeline said:


> I'm kinda wondering for those that say they are at a year or more of sexlessness, do you still desire your spouse? Would you be just as enthusiastic like 5 years in of no sex and they just randomly came onto you? I fluctuate on my feelings on that.


It has been longer than that for me. No. I do not desire my spouse any more, probably a defense mechanism. She is a very pretty woman but I don't trust that if we ever tried to bring back our physical relationship that it wouldn't just die again. Also, the sex was usually bad when we did have it.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

nightmoves8 said:


> OH MAN.......
> 
> Not sure if I should laugh - or - cry.....
> 
> ...


There is a book about this ... I'd trade my husband for a housekeeper. Interesting read.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Toshiba2020 said:


> Yeah, its just a way of reversing the argument and taking the blame off her shoulders. ive gotten the same like during multiple of our "Talks"
> 
> For the first 3 years of my marriage i tried to initiate all the time, by the fourth year i just didnt care anymore. I would rather spend an hour cleaning toilets then have awkward sex with my wife who is obviously not in the mood and only doing it to shut me up. After years of lies, excuses, head aches, stress, supposed medical issues that doctors dismiss, i have come to realize sex just isnt a priority for her, as you said its WAY down on the list.
> 
> ...


Exactly - don't want someone to be who they aren't. We got intimate right away, and even after we got married, I always knew when that time of month was as that's when we wouldn't have sex (meaning we had sex somewhat often). Now, even though she's been making noise about sex and has improved her attitude in terms of keeping the nagging down, I don't want to bother initiating with someone that doesn't want to be there. 

And your comment about thinking about the woman at the gym - my fear is thinking about the ex who was a total nympho. She was crazy, but she wanted it a lot, and was loud about it too.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

wanttolove said:


> It has been longer than that for me. No. I do not desire my spouse any more, probably a defense mechanism. She is a very pretty woman but I don't trust that if we ever tried to bring back our physical relationship that it wouldn't just die again. Also, the sex was usually bad when we did have it.


I too am no longer attracted to my wife, yet she is still young-ish, physically fit, and by social standards she would be considered attractive. Attraction is all mental so its hard to be attracted to someone who rejects you on a regular basis.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Toshiba2020 said:


> I too am no longer attracted to my wife, yet she is still young-ish, physically fit, and by social standards she would be considered attractive. Attraction is all mental so its hard to be attracted to someone who rejects you on a regular basis.


It could be due to rejection. Another reason someone might not be "attractive" to you and physically they might be attractive to someone who doesn't know them, is they might treat people very badly and a nasty personality.

It becomes ugly over time.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

During the darkest days of our marriage, around 4-5 months.


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## thetiredmommy (Sep 10, 2014)

Browneyedgurl020610 said:


> About 3 months. It was towards the end of my pregnancy and right after I had my baby, I was pretty stitched up because I had a 3rd degree tear. I didn't want to risk tearing apart the stitches. It was hard on both of us lol but we're happily having sex again, when baby gives us a chance


My goodness, that sounds really painful! I'm glad that he could understand and be patient while you healed.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> We just finished a year without sex. I should be resentful but i strangely do not care. Her complete lack of desire has rubbed off on me. We tried to get in the mood the other day but found that Criminal Minds was more interesting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same as we are. We don't fight, it's just more like we get our daily stuff done, deal with the kids, and watch tv. I started resentful as well. In some ways I guess I resent it's dead, but you can't chase something the other doesn't want. Even when you get it it's not enjoyable.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Rick3 said:


> Same as we are. We don't fight, it's just more like we get our daily stuff done, deal with the kids, and watch tv. I started resentful as well. In some ways I guess I resent it's dead, but you can't chase something the other doesn't want. Even when you get it it's not enjoyable.


Yep, this is spot on. When the kids go down, I end up doing some work stuff in my home office or just take a few minutes to wind down. Beats listening to her complain about how tired she is and/or how her head hurts. 

Like Tyler, I don't really care anymore, either. If we can make it to the beginning of November (almost certain we'll make it), it will be one time in three years. If we can make it to the end of April, then we will have gone without sex for two years. But to her, it's the couples that have sex that are the weird ones.....


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

8 days in 28 years together
she is very HD I am LD


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

convert said:


> 8 days in 28 years together
> she is very HD I am LD


Convert, if you are an LD man with an HD wife, how come she gets to have so much sex. I'm really interested in this as an HD wife with an LD husband. It seems a more difficult problem to overcome when the man is LD because it is the man who has to be able to "get it up". What makes you want to have sex when your sex drive is low? Is there anything a wife can do to make an LD husband want her - my husband just never thinks about sex and doesn't seem to want it at all. We're quite newly married, but in our fifties and since the wedding the sex has practically stopped (11 times in the past 12 months). What should I be doing to make my LD husband think that he may want to have sex with me. I've kept myself fit, eat healthy, am active, take care of myself (and the house and my husband), am at a reasonably good point in a newish career but I feel like a cross between a daughter and a mother to my husband - not because of the way I am, but because of the way he is. I'd love some advice on what I can do to turn his thoughts to sex. Even when we talk about sex on a conversational level (discussing something on FB or in the news - we never talk about it on a personal level unless we're having the "talk" again) he never talks about it subjectively. I'm at my wits' end here so any advice would be much appreciated.


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## Lancer (Sep 15, 2014)

Longest period was probably around 3 months while I was on a long term assignment away from her.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Rick3 said:


> Same as we are. We don't fight, it's just more like we get our daily stuff done, deal with the kids, and watch tv. I started resentful as well. In some ways I guess I resent it's dead, but you can't chase something the other doesn't want. Even when you get it it's not enjoyable.


Now at five months, I am not chasing it. We've started MC, (again. This is the 4th time) so I suppose something could come of that, but I don't have high hopes. I am hopeful I can get some strategies to help not fall into my old bad habits, and I am holding out a small bit of hope that something will click with her. 

Not a lot of hope, though. I don't plan to live sexless for the rest of my life and I no longer really want her. Maybe we can get the spark back, but if not, it's a countdown to divorce. It will, at least, give me a chance to be the Dad I want to be to my kids, not the Dad my wife keeps insisting I be.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We've hit the five week mark yet again today. The pity of this is that I've now reached the stage where I don't even want sex with him anymore, I just want sex.


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

Doobie

Sadly, your situation will likely not change. My wife is similar to your husband in that she has virtually no sex drive. She neither thinks about nor talks about it. I am going on 12 years of dealing with it. I have two young children so I am stuck. Get out now and don't look back. People rarely if ever change.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

doobie said:


> Convert, if you are an LD man with an HD wife, how come she gets to have so much sex. I'm really interested in this as an HD wife with an LD husband. It seems a more difficult problem to overcome when the man is LD because it is the man who has to be able to "get it up". What makes you want to have sex when your sex drive is low? Is there anything a wife can do to make an LD husband want her - my husband just never thinks about sex and doesn't seem to want it at all. We're quite newly married, but in our fifties and since the wedding the sex has practically stopped (11 times in the past 12 months). What should I be doing to make my LD husband think that he may want to have sex with me. I've kept myself fit, eat healthy, am active, take care of myself (and the house and my husband), am at a reasonably good point in a newish career but I feel like a cross between a daughter and a mother to my husband - not because of the way I am, but because of the way he is. I'd love some advice on what I can do to turn his thoughts to sex. Even when we talk about sex on a conversational level (discussing something on FB or in the news - we never talk about it on a personal level unless we're having the "talk" again) he never talks about it subjectively. I'm at my wits' end here so any advice would be much appreciated.


well, I guess when i say I am LD and she is HD is because if it were up to me we would do it a lot less. She almost always initiates. If anything she has never turned me down it is usually me that is not up to it. Most of the time I power through it. I know if I don't she will find it else where, she has told me as much. I know she will because she has. that is a different story.

one thing that would help, I think, would be if she dressed more sexy new lingerie things like that.
If she were more fit too would make a difference. She gained her weight back since the last affair (she lost it for OM)


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

convert said:


> well, I guess when i say I am LD and she is HD is because if it were up to me we would do it a lot less. She almost always initiates. If anything she has never turned me down it is usually me that is not up to it. Most of the time I power through it. I know if I don't she will find it else where, she has told me as much. I know she will because she has. that is a different story.
> 
> one thing that would help, I think, would be if she dressed more sexy new lingerie things like that.
> If she were more fit too would make a difference. She gained her weight back since the last affair (she lost it for OM)


Thank you for the reply Convert, I appreciate the time and trouble you've taken. So sorry to hear that your wife got it elsewhere. This is the stage that I'm at, I am so desperate to have a sex life that I've decided to look outside my marriage. We have sex on average about every 6 weeks or so (sometimes with gaps up to 3 months) and my husband knows I have a problem with this. I have talked to him about having an open marriage (last time we had the talk) and I've told him I'm not willing to live a sex-free existence. That was back in April and we've had sex only four times since then so he's obviously not bothered about whether or not my needs are being met. Over the past few months I've reached despair levels over this, wondering if I should ask a doctor for pills to suppress my sex drive or even if I could have surgery. But I've now turned a corner. I'm devastated at the lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage - I've started to recoil from my H's touch, if he puts his arm around me, I move, if he puts his hand on my shoulder,I shrug it off and on the odd occasion that he kisses me goodbye, I don't kiss back. I'm not interested in this false type of intimacy when we have no real intimacy. I delay going to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning as I can't bear lying next to a man who doesn't want me. I now see the bedroom as his and would much rather move into my own room and have my own space. It seems to me to be really weird and inappropriate to be sharing a bed with a man who is a friend and not a lover.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

doobie said:


> Thank you for the reply Convert, I appreciate the time and trouble you've taken. So sorry to hear that your wife got it elsewhere. This is the stage that I'm at, I am so desperate to have a sex life that I've decided to look outside my marriage. We have sex on average about every 6 weeks or so (sometimes with gaps up to 3 months) and my husband knows I have a problem with this. I have talked to him about having an open marriage (last time we had the talk) and I've told him I'm not willing to live a sex-free existence. That was back in April and we've had sex only four times since then so he's obviously not bothered about whether or not my needs are being met. Over the past few months I've reached despair levels over this, wondering if I should ask a doctor for pills to suppress my sex drive or even if I could have surgery. But I've now turned a corner. I'm devastated at the lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage - I've started to recoil from my H's touch, if he puts his arm around me, I move, if he puts his hand on my shoulder,I shrug it off and on the odd occasion that he kisses me goodbye, I don't kiss back. I'm not interested in this false type of intimacy when we have no real intimacy. I delay going to bed until 3 or 4 in the morning as I can't bear lying next to a man who doesn't want me. I now see the bedroom as his and would much rather move into my own room and have my own space. It seems to me to be really weird and inappropriate to be sharing a bed with a man who is a friend and not a lover.


wow, he is really low drive. We go maybe 3 or 4 days max and she get upset/angry at that time span.
either I am not really LD or she is very HD or a little of both

I do not know what else to suggest, maybe watch some porn together, we do that maybe once every 2 months or so we also use toys, talk about different fantasies


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> when you don't have sex for a long time, you just don't think about it any more... it's a given. For me it's a mixture of losing respect for my wife, falling out of love and not wanting to be rejected any more.


Not me. I've posted about it before.

I _tried_ to stop thinking about it. My problem is that I go right by two universities on the way to and from work. Driving by on a warm evening after work and seeing the young, fit ladies in skimpy outfits would remind me that I'm not dead yet.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> Not me. I've posted about it before.
> 
> I _tried_ to stop thinking about it. My problem is that I go right by two universities on the way to and from work. Driving by on a warm evening after work and seeing the young, fit ladies in skimpy outfits would remind me that I'm not dead yet.


I had a light-bulb moment this morning. We're having unusually warm fall weather. It's clear and beautiful out.

So this morning I'm dropping my daughter off at HS on the way to work. I see this young lady dressed in a very tight but classy outfit. She's been blessed with some very nice curves.

The first thought is that 2-3 years ago it would have caused that same reaction I was posting about yesterday. First off the awkward discomfort in trying not to stare plus the annoyance I couldn't turn it off and the simmering anger and resentment over the fact that I felt that way. It was nice to realize that I noticed she was pretty but I felt nothing else like I would have.

But then I realized something... I'd seen it before and not realized it at the time. I took advanced placement math all through high-school. I had the same teacher all four years. He was a GREAT teacher and mostly handled the advanced classes. He didn't talk much about his personal life, but I knew he divorced my Jr. year. He never said anything inappropriate, did anything... but had that look when a pretty young thing went by. It definitely creeped out the girls. Enough that people gossiped about it.

My sister was four years behind me. She also had him all through school. She said that he married her sophomore year and it simply went away. He never leered, looked crosswise... never made any of them uncomfortable.

The light-bulb moment for me was realizing that no, he wasn't some pervert. He was just another bloke holding onto a sexless marriage so long that it was corroding his being.


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## Gabby0515 (Oct 10, 2014)

About two months.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We're now on 14 weeks and counting  - during this past 14 weeks the dynamic has totally changed as I have lost all desire for my H. When we met he sat me down and asked me if I really loved him as he "doesn't do unrequited love" - the irony of it is a little too much here. I have to do unrequited desire and after nearly two years of this, I have just lost all interest in him sexually. Yes, I still think about sex all the time, just not with him. Until very recently I fantasized about my H during masturbation but it started to become harder and harder to get off as thinking about him sexually in this way just led to me thinking of the sexual problems we have. I now fantasize about other people during masturbation - yes, it's cheating in my head, but he's left me with no other choice.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

doobie said:


> We're now on 14 weeks and counting  - during this past 14 weeks the dynamic has totally changed as I have lost all desire for my H. When we met he sat me down and asked me if I really loved him as he "doesn't do unrequited love" - the irony of it is a little too much here. I have to do unrequited desire and after nearly two years of this, I have just lost all interest in him sexually. Yes, I still think about sex all the time, just not with him. Until very recently I fantasized about my H during masturbation but it started to become harder and harder to get off as thinking about him sexually in this way just led to me thinking of the sexual problems we have. I now fantasize about other people during masturbation - yes, it's cheating in my head, but he's left me with no other choice.


I wouldn't call that cheating - you're doing this in private and nobody is hurt because of it, least of all your H who you've lost desire for. I usually masturbate thinking of a horny ex-GF, and occasionally about my wife's horny close friend. I used to think about the wife, but her total lack of desire/interest in sex tamps those thoughts down.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The longest I went when married was about 3 weeks and that was before we separated... together about 8 yrs. I think a sexless marriage would suck. I feel for anyone dealing with that.  I seriously wasn't even aware about the abundance of sexless marriages til I came to TAM because it's not something I was ever familiar with. The thing that makes a marriage fun/different/any romantic relationship is that the sexy time is what separates it from a friendship/any other 'ol relationship.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The longest I went when not married was about 3 weeks and that was before we separated... together about 8 yrs. I think a sexless marriage would suck. I feel for anyone dealing with that.  I seriously wasn't even aware about the abundance of sexless marriages til I came to TAM because it's not something I was ever familiar with. The thing that makes a marriage fun/different/any romantic relationship is that the sexy time is what separates it from a friendship/any other 'ol relationship.


It does suck - we're at 1 1/2 years since our last session. It's actually gotten kind of funny - we're supposed to go out this coming weekend as we have someone to watch the kids, so you would think that maybe we may have a go when we get home, but the wife has already planned for that - she's already informed me that she's crampy, which means that we will be in the middle of that time of month when we go out. Not the first time this has happened.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That sucks. I'm sorry.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

doobie said:


> We're now on 14 weeks and counting  - during this past 14 weeks the dynamic has totally changed as I have lost all desire for my H. When we met he sat me down and asked me if I really loved him as he "doesn't do unrequited love" - the irony of it is a little too much here. I have to do unrequited desire and after nearly two years of this, I have just lost all interest in him sexually. Yes, I still think about sex all the time, just not with him. Until very recently I fantasized about my H during masturbation but it started to become harder and harder to get off as thinking about him sexually in this way just led to me thinking of the sexual problems we have. I now fantasize about other people during masturbation - yes, it's cheating in my head, but he's left me with no other choice.


I went three years as my first marriage was dying.

I NEVER thought of her when I coped alone.

It was a one-way exit strategy. I didn't want any attachments to her.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

June marked 1 year for me. Been married 33 1/2 years.

We went on a motorcycle trip in June, just the two of us. We were gone 4 days (3 nights). I initiated all 3 nights, to no avail. She just sat up in bed either on her phone or watching tv.

I initiated again a few nights after we got home. I sort of reached over to "play footsies" with her. She sucked her feet up, rolled over on her side, with her back to me. I gave up then. I started the 180. I don't really talk to her much anymore.

As I've said in some other posts, I fly, ride motorcycles (Goldwing), shoot, I have a boat and enjoy going to the lake. I've quit asking her to do ANY of these things with me. Even though, she really does enjoy the bike. I really do feel the resentment growing more & more every day. I've gotten to the point of just leaving the house when I feel like it without saying a word to anybody. I'll go to the lake, go riding, flying, or shooting.

I have a 20 yr old daughter (gorgeous, at that)still at home, that I'd much rather be with. She really likes all my hobbies as well. If we're walking down the sidewalk or whatever, she may just grab my hand to hold hands with me. She does this sort of thing all the time. Random hugs. Wife has never done that. Problem is, daughter is getting married in June. I have talked to her about taking care of her man so he doesn't go looking somewhere else. So it'll be pretty lonely at my house. (When I'm there)

Anyway to answer the question, 1 1/2 years for me.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

flyer said:


> June marked 1 year for me. Been married 33 1/2 years.
> 
> We went on a motorcycle trip in June, just the two of us. We were gone 4 days (3 nights). I initiated all 3 nights, to no avail. She just sat up in bed either on her phone or watching tv.
> 
> ...


Sorry Flyer - have you stay married to your wife for your daughter? Are you planning to stay with your wife after your daughter leaves home? Or, are you considering other options? You deserve to be happy and I don't think it would be selfish one bit if you divorced your wife.

I'd really like to have a long talk with some of these husbands and wives that deny their spouse a sex life. It is so unfair and selfish. As my daddy says, "They need to be taken behind the woodshed and some sense beat into them."


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

karole said:


> Sorry Flyer - have you stay married to your wife for your daughter? Are you planning to stay with your wife after your daughter leaves home? Or, are you considering other options? You deserve to be happy and I don't think it would be selfish one bit if you divorced your wife.
> 
> I'd really like to have a long talk with some of these husbands and wives that deny their spouse a sex life. It is so unfair and selfish. As my daddy says, "They need to be taken behind the woodshed and some sense beat into them."




I can't afford to leave. I'm 55 (56 in Jan.) she's 50. 
I've posted before, I have a thriving/growing business, almost no debt. I'm too old to start over, but, I'm NOT to old to enjoy the rest of my life with atleast my hobbies.
Sometimes, I don't think she really realizes she's rejecting me. In fact, I'm not even sure she's noticed the 180.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

flyer said:


> I can't afford to leave. I'm 55 (56 in Jan.) she's 50.
> I've posted before, I have a thriving/growing business, almost no debt. I'm too old to start over, but, I'm NOT to old to enjoy the rest of my life with atleast my hobbies.
> Sometimes, I don't think she really realizes she's rejecting me. In fact, I'm not even sure she's noticed the 180.


Hmm, I divorced at 54 after 32 years. It was expensive, but worth it.

Living an empty life with someone who actively refuses intimacy is not life. IMHO.

At least consult with a divorce attorney about your options. AND try once again to see what her problem is.

Then get free of it.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

michzz said:


> Living an empty life with someone who actively refuses intimacy is not life. IMHO.
> 
> At least consult with a divorce attorney about your options. AND try once again to see what her problem is.
> 
> ...


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

I'll let you know, when it finally finishes. At least 6 months so far...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No way in heaven or hell I would put up with all these Bullshyt scenarios. Not even for a month.

You folks have got to be out of your minds and I don't blame you. I would go bonkers if I allowed myself to be treated that way.

I wish you all well but I really wish you would all go Rambo and kick some serious ass!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

flyer said:


> I can't afford to leave. I'm 55 (56 in Jan.) she's 50.
> I've posted before, I have a thriving/growing business, almost no debt. I'm too old to start over, but, I'm NOT to old to enjoy the rest of my life with atleast my hobbies.
> Sometimes, I don't think she really realizes she's rejecting me. In fact, I'm not even sure she's noticed the 180.


I'm 56 and he is 55 and we've been married nearly 2 years. After being single for most of my adult life (short 2 year marriage in my twenties), I'm not too old to start over. I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this and will get out of the marriage and divorce as soon as I can afford to do so  .


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I think around 10 days. That was a few months ago and I was ill and was on a sex break. Doctors orders.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

doobie said:


> I'm 56 and he is 55 and we've been married nearly 2 years. After being single for most of my adult life (short 2 year marriage in my twenties), I'm not too old to start over. I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this and will get out of the marriage and divorce as soon as I can afford to do so  .


2 years? You should still be in the honeymoon phase. I know your sex life wasn't like this while you two were dating otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married. Did she change that quickly after marriage?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Doobie is the "she".


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## HaveDepressedWifeNoSex (Nov 3, 2014)

I am so glad I am not the only one having this problem. I wish I had some advice for some of you, but it's been 4 years for me. Been married for six years and had a child after two years of marriage. I have been denied for so long with so many different excuses, I now just chalk it up to her depression (which she refuses to address no matter how much we talk about it). I have also decided to just find my needs met where ever and when ever I can. To me, the decision was easy. I can get a divorce and I lose most of my time with my boy, or I can go outside the marriage and 'maybe' lose time with my boy. Does this make me selfish? I really don't know. But 4 years is a really long time.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

flyer said:


> I can't afford to leave. I'm 55 (56 in Jan.) she's 50.
> I've posted before, I have a thriving/growing business, almost no debt. I'm too old to start over, but, I'm NOT to old to enjoy the rest of my life with atleast my hobbies.
> Sometimes, I don't think she really realizes she's rejecting me. In fact, I'm not even sure she's noticed the 180.





michzz said:


> Hmm, I divorced at 54 after 32 years. It was expensive, but worth it.
> 
> Living an empty life with someone who actively refuses intimacy is not life. IMHO.
> 
> ...





flyer said:


> michzz said:
> 
> 
> > Living an empty life with someone who actively refuses intimacy is not life. IMHO.
> ...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

HaveDepressedWifeNoSex said:


> I am so glad I am not the only one having this problem. I wish I had some advice for some of you, but it's been 4 years for me. Been married for six years and had a child after two years of marriage. I have been denied for so long with so many different excuses, I now just chalk it up to her depression (which she refuses to address no matter how much we talk about it). I have also decided to just find my needs met where ever and when ever I can. To me, the decision was easy. I can get a divorce and I lose most of my time with my boy, or I can go outside the marriage and 'maybe' lose time with my boy. Does this make me selfish? I really don't know. But 4 years is a really long time.


Excuse making.

Not buying it.

You have other options.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Just coming up on 20 years.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

karole said:


> Sorry Flyer - have you stay married to your wife for your daughter? Are you planning to stay with your wife after your daughter leaves home? Or, are you considering other options? You deserve to be happy and I don't think it would be selfish one bit if you divorced your wife.
> 
> I'd really like to have a long talk with some of these husbands and wives that deny their spouse a sex life. It is so unfair and selfish. As my daddy says, "They need to be taken behind the woodshed and some sense beat into them."



Been trying to pm you Karole, but it won't go through.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

*Re: Re: Longest period in your marriage without sex*



HaveDepressedWifeNoSex said:


> I am so glad I am not the only one having this problem. I wish I had some advice for some of you, but it's been 4 years for me. Been married for six years and had a child after two years of marriage. I have been denied for so long with so many different excuses, I now just chalk it up to her depression (which she refuses to address no matter how much we talk about it). I have also decided to just find my needs met where ever and when ever I can. To me, the decision was easy. I can get a divorce and I lose most of my time with my boy, or I can go outside the marriage and 'maybe' lose time with my boy. Does this make me selfish? I really don't know. But 4 years is a really long time.


But when you stay in a miserable marriage "for the benefit of the kids" you are setting them up to expect their own married life to be miserable. A parent is their child's greatest role model and leading with an example of accepting misery is not leading at all.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> No way in heaven or hell I would put up with all these Bullshyt scenarios. Not even for a month.
> 
> You folks have got to be out of your minds and I don't blame you. I would go bonkers if I allowed myself to be treated that way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My worst was a few weeks. I would have never made a few months. I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

I see this thread because it pops up in the notifications. It seems so long ago now. People - fix it or move on. Life is SOOOO much better now.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Just coming up on 20 years.


I think you might be the champion of them all friend.

On a personal note, I know I could go years without, because I was single for a long time and didn't date for a long time. I had broken up with a fiance in my younger years and said goodbye to romance for many years. I took care of myself and it wasn't bad at all. I was happy. Maybe some people can't believe that, but if you saw me then I think you would know I was happy.

It was many years later I fell in love and rediscovered romance. That woman in my life passed away, but I was hooked.
It wasn't sex I missed. It was the bond between man and woman that I missed. There is nothing in existence comparable.

Now I am married to a high drive woman who loves sex.
If something ever happened to her (God forbid) I wouldn't go out seeking sex. I would revert to being single again


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## HaveDepressedWifeNoSex (Nov 3, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> But when you stay in a miserable marriage "for the benefit of the kids" you are setting them up to expect their own married life to be miserable. A parent is their child's greatest role model and leading with an example of accepting misery is not leading at all.


I am actually being a little selfish on this front too. I wouldn't be staying in the marriage "just for the kids". I would be staying because I want to be around my boy.


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

Well a year I think, with occasional episodes. The longest without ANYTHING is 4-5 months I think. And we don't even have kids yet. Sad


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Terracota said:


> Well a year I think, with occasional episodes. The longest without ANYTHING is 4-5 months I think. And we don't even have kids yet. Sad


How long have you been married? What's going on with the wife?


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> How long have you been married? What's going on with the wife?


We were married for 2,5 years, and together for almost 5 years. And I'm the wife  I try to fix my mistakes now as I don't want to be an asexual woman in an asexual marriage


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

Six months from the worst sexual event on the night of our 15th anniversary and I just shut down in disgust. It took 6 months to figure out she had already left the marriage.
It was 771 days to the next woman and the best sex ever, and I'm still with her 14 years later. I've heard it said you remember your first and your last.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I have lost track.



It's been over a year, if we don't count the two times, a few months ago, when she woke me up at about 5:00 am to begin unenthusiastic sex only to doze off part way through (5:00 am because of her late-shift job, dozing because of sleeping-pill and/or Vodka).



I've said this before, but I catch myself realizing I no longer have as part of my self-concept that "I am a grownup, someone who has sex, expects sex to be part of his existence.". It feels like I am back to that younger version of me, who didn't really know what sex would be like, knew "others" had it, but somehow it hadn't happened to me yet.



I'm not going to let that continue forever. Just noting that, for me, it has gone on long enough that I catch myself being someone I don't want to be. And suspect, if I am not careful, I will eventually stop catching myself and seeing that that part of me is slipping away. So I need to be careful.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

jorgegene said:


> I think you might be the champion of them all friend.


No I've seen people on here with 25 and 30 years sexless. One I saw a few years ago on here was 36 years without sex. But we are all RE-Virgins. You are a "Re-Virgin" when the number of years since you last had sex is greater than the number of years between your birth and your first sexual experience.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mr B said:


> No I've seen people on here with 25 and 30 years sexless. One I saw a few years ago on here was 36 years without sex. But we are all RE-Virgins. You are a "Re-Virgin" when the number of years since you last had sex is greater than the number of years between your birth and your first sexual experience.



Of course those others are generally the victims of witholders whereas you are the witholder yourself, right?


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

After I had my baby and he forced me to live with his parents we went a year without sex. After that it went to sex about once a month, which is not anything like it was before.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Last year my wife was gone for 2 weeks to see our new grandson. 

I absolutely hated the cold bed. We are back to our 4-6 times/week "nothing routine" routine.


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## samboliajones (Jan 3, 2015)

I'm just about done with waiting around for sex. Everything else comes before intimacy. We constantly have dry spells for weeks at a time, and it drives me crazy. Wife has VERY LOW drive, and sleeps for 11 hours a day. She's on Dep meds, and I understand, but the same time I'm dying here. We've gone to counseling, but it doesn't help. I do all the chores, watch the kids, make all the money. Buy her things, and take her out. NOTHING. It's like throwing money and effort into a bottomless pit. You all think it's OK to cheat at this point?


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....well ...by my best guesstimate ....in about 3 minutes (+/- a half hour) ....it'll be 1 year with nadda ...zilch ....zero ....nothing.

....and it sucks beyond belief ...and I'm getting tired of waiting for her to show interest ....at all.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

In a couple months, we'll be at two years, and before that time, it was about a year and a half - one time in over three years. Wife is totally focused on being Mommy - sex requires too much work and effort to her.


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

The longest drought for me is about a month. This is after a child was born, not my wife rejecting me. Rejection is just plain cruel and in my opinion is abusive on the part of the one rejecting. Sex is a huge part of marriage and even ordained by God himself.


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## shakazulu2420 (Sep 16, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Our drought started when I got pregnant and diagnosed with a placenta previa. Sex could have killed our baby and possibly me. Hard delivery and many stitches prevented it after. Then came the colic and 9 months of not sleeping through the night. Once it started, though, another side of my H came out. He is a Nice Guy and Dr. Jekyll became Mr. Hyde. Not all at once, but he slowly revealed he was never the man he portrayed himself to be. His laid back nature was revealed to be just a means if pleasing others, but behind closed doors he can be nasty, using personal attacks, things I had shared when I needed support, as ammunition. He's controlling to the point he used to tell me when I needed to wake up, when I needed to get into the shower. If I mess up his plan, he gets anxious.
> 4?????? Are you okay??????
> I have never turned him down. I've never had to. He won't initiate and since I'm LD, it doesn't bother me. I don't want to have sex with a man I don't trust. He's never told anyone we have marital trouble and he doesn't want divorce. It's all too crazy for words. And as to the original question, it's been about 4 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

fightforher said:


> There is drought, and there is living in the desert. Previous posters have not even come close.


Word Dude, Word. I'm sure I could beat most, and I had to laugh at the people complaining about a week or even a month or 2!!!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

At least if you have gone a very long time without (a year, etc), you can clearly assume that the relationship will never recover. 

I honestly do not understand how people go that long without ending it or cheating.

I think much more insidious is the common situation where you get just enough (monthly or bi-monthly or whatever) to make you think it is not impossible for it to recover.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> At least if you have gone a very long time without (a year, etc), you can clearly assume that the relationship will never recover.
> 
> I honestly do not understand how people go that long without ending it or cheating.
> 
> I think much more insidious is the common situation where you get just enough (monthly or bi-monthly or whatever) to make you think it is not impossible for it to recover.


yep, just doing the minimum... we've all been there... 35 days tomorrow and wife has planned sex...


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

When I first answered, we hadn't had sex for 5 weeks, now it's been 5 months and my LDH has started talking about the lack of intimacy between us and how we need to do something about it! Too little and very much too late - I don't even want him any more.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Longest for me was about nine months, but that's only because I was deployed to Afghanistan. I would never tolerate that at home.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Longest for me was about nine months, but that's only because I was deployed to Afghanistan. I would never tolerate that at home.


Yep, context makes all the difference.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This marriage?

Probably about 2 weeks, not including when my kids were born.

Previous marriage?

6+ months.


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