# Possible EA and trying to remain friends?



## sydsmommy (Aug 2, 2012)

I am such a mess these days.

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. Never any issues, although admittedly have grown apart due to the usual life stresses of money, children, health, etc. Nothing that couldn't. E healed with some mutual acknowledgement.

A couple of few months ago, my partner made a new friend, not a huge deal. Spent time hanging out, texting here and there. But it started to grow and become more constance. When I would bring it up, I was told I was being pushy and neurotic for asking they were texting this person all of the time, and that why did it matter anyway. This person wasn't their type nor vice versa. I continued to be uncomfortable. Midnight phone calls taken in the other room for hours, texting from the time they wake until well after I'm asleep. I became uneasy, so I snooped. First the texts, where one told the other to slow down on the flirting *wink*wink*. Then I picked up the phone during a call, and first heard the words "I'm in love with you." I was devastated. Then came the secret email account, accessed only though the cell phone, with more explicit things, acknowledging a desire to explore a romantic relationship, but tied down by mutual family commitments. I was crushed, and I confronted. I tried to set a boundary. But I'm now being told that it was only a "distraction," that it meant nothing, that it was over and they could maintain healthy friendship boundaries. That they would only see each other with other trusted friends around, no more texting or emails, and only phone calls in front of me. In the space of 5 days (or less, really) this is broken down significantly. The texts continue, the phone calls in private, and my partner now has password on the iPhone. When I confront on this, I'm blasted about how can we move forward if I can't trust them. And how can I be trusted to not snoop without the pass code. 

I know I'm not crazy. I know this person would be cut out. I hate how this is all being minimized to me, how I am the crazy one here who can't let go. It has been less than a week!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Hi, I am so sorry that you are here, and in this horrible emotional place too.

They have not stopped their affair, your husband is still very much involved with this woman and you will need to address this as a matter of urgency imo.

Your husband needs to be completely transparent, all passwords, email, fb etc, if he/they have nothing to hide then this will not be a problem. Then completely stop all contact with the AP. Expose to her husband also as this will help to stop her and wake them from the fog.

You have a tough journey ahead believe me, you will get help on here and others will give you more thorough advice, please take it on board. Be strong.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, the continued secrecy means the affair has not stopped and you are being lied about. You are not supposed to trust a person who lies to you, it's that simple. Don't allow to gaslight yourself.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Maybe you need to be very firm?
Set a deadline / ultimatum ?

Obviously your partner is taking advantage of you.
Maybe its time for you to start packing their bags.
Tell them when the " friendship " ends , then they can come back home.
Another thing you can do is expose it [ with evidence ] to the other person's spouse and family.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You want to save your marriage? You will need to be willing to end it. Clearly the EA thing is ongoing. Don't let those "don't you trust me" stuff fool you. How can you trust him with that behavior?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

That argument sounds almost verbatim what my ex recited to me after I found e-mails that explicitly detailed how her and her guy friend would have sex with one another. 'We are just friends...the sex talk was just a phase.' 

Skip forward a year..two months after I finally moved out of the family home...this 'friend' moved in. 

Your husband needs to end that relationship if you have any hope of saving yours. He may not even see it himself but I believe he does.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

costa200 said:


> You want to save your marriage? You will need to be willing to end it. Clearly the EA thing is ongoing. Don't let those "don't you trust me" stuff fool you. How can you trust him with that behavior?


:iagree:

This is exactly right. There is no room for compromise here. It's either the OW or it's you, period. He can't continue contact with this OW while still being married to you, and you have to be willing and able to leave the marriage if this continues.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if they are still in contact then the affair hasn't ended

more bad news-

he's minimizing the affair and therefore rugsweeping

he's likely giving you trickle truth and the affair has a good chance of it being physical


read the newbie link in my signature, it will help you understand much of what he is doing


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, you need to get up to speed on infidelity, ASAP.

Once "I love you's" have been exchanged, that means they are infatuated. Infatuation (or limerance) is a very powerful emotion, it leads people to do all kinds of things they'd never do ordinarily. 

Verifying that this (now secret) inappropriate relationship isn't destroying your marriage is not "snooping." You have every reason not to trust him now, he is becoming more practiced every day at lying to your face.

The whole "you can't trust me" is just a scare tactic, do not believe it for one minute. If he was approaching this issue from genuine love for YOU, he would not be reacting with hostility. Everything you've described is a big red flag.

IF you find additional hard evidence, STORE it someplace safe. Be careful about confrontation because he is showing every sign of "gaslighting" (making you out to be the crazy one).

Get access to the cell phone bill (**online**) you can create an account if there isn't one set up already. It will send an email to his account but if you do it when you have some time you can get in, print out all bills for the last 12 months (because they're usually deleted after then). Verizon also lists texts (not the words) by location / date / time for the current month, print that out too because it doesn't go back any further.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

snap said:


> Yes, the continued secrecy means the affair has not stopped and you are being lied about. You are not supposed to trust a person who lies to you, it's that simple. Don't allow to gaslight yourself.












I would have to agree...lies and secrecy are never a good combo in a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time to set a hard boundary:

_"Partner, I am fully aware you continue to text/email/chat in private with this other person. It is to the detriment of our relationship. I will not be in an open relationship where I am being disrespected. I deserve better. If you don't stop this, I am done. I will not tolerate being lied to and disrespected. Our relationship should come first. If it doesn't, then we don't need to be together. The choice is yours." _

FOLLOW THROUGH. No emotions, all business.

If your partner keeps it up, tell them where to go. But don't stand idly by when you are CLEARLY being cheated on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the other person have a partner you can exposue the affair too?

Given what you heard and the hours of talking and the love you statements the affair has very like either gone PA or gone to it.

There isn't any room for compromise because ths only ends one of two ways: the stay with you and leave the AP, or they leave you.

Exposé tomorrow it's your best chance. Do not warn or threaten that you are doing this, they will lie to the AP SO.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome, sydsmommy! Sorry to hear the reason you are here. 

If you are in a monogamous relationship, and he violated the boundaries with another woman (whether it was texting/talking/physical) he has broken the trust you had and it's up to him to rebuild it if he chooses to stay in the relationship. That means, no passwords and yes to snooping on his phone/email so you can confirm the friendship has ended. 

And since he crossed the line with this 'friend' she needs to go. He is playing the guilt card on you so that you will back off and let him continue his shenanigans.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

And for reference I should add that my h had an EA with a woman he worked with & although he did not go 'no contact' with her he made it clear he did not want to discuss anything other than work. She made a few emotional phone calls to him after he broke off the 'friendship' but he told me about them right away and answered my questions, did not hide his phone, etc.

This was 5 years ago and our marriage keeps getting stronger


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

You're controlling, you need to trust him, she's just a friend, ewww...the OW is like a sister, etc. Did I leave any out? 

Lines were crossed, so stomp this shyte hard. Give him a simple choice, you or her, it will not be both. He cuts all commo with her today, or you're done.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I second the recommendation of Not Just Friends. Awesome book.

Draw your line in the sand, and make it VERY clear to him what the consequences will be if he crosses it. Then follow through.

He does NOT get to call the shots here. He's cheating on you right under your nose and doesn't even respect you enough to really hide it.


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## sydsmommy (Aug 2, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your responses. I was at my wits end early in the morning when I wrote this, and was so grateful to have some quick responses, helping me to solidify my resolve to set a very clear ultimatum. I did that, and it was the hardest thing ever. At this point my partner agrees. I informed them that enough words have been said at this point. The only thing I expect from this point on is action and will settle for nothing less.

My partner refuses to set this boundary with OP through a text or email. Instead, DS insists on an in-person discussion "out of respect" to them, no exceptions. Whatever. I was so tired of fighting at this point. As divine intervention would have it, a mutual confidant said they would be there to confirm.

I have the girl's cell number. I know she is married, I know her full name and her spouse's name. As far as I know, he does not know. I do not intend to be the one to expose it - at this time anyway. I know this has not reached PA as this has all been coming to a head while she has been out of state for 2-3 weeks with family. I am thankful for that. The final emails sent (that I know of) consisted of "fears" from both parties of what lines might be crossed once they were in each others' presence. So, you all are right. It would have gotten worse. 

I do not plan to expose to her spouse, at this point at least. I DO plan to inform her, once DS comes home this evening and they have had their "talk," that I will not tolerate another ounce of communication or I will expose her as fast as I can.

As for the passcodes on phones, etc. DS is not in agreement with the idea of "transparency." I feel that is a battle that will be fought in therapy, if we can find someone we can afford. I feel confident enough (I hope) that I have laid down a serious enough ultimatum with BOTH parties on the consequences of not keeping these boundaries. The rest comes in time, right? 

It's so hard. The biggest thing we do agree on is that we don't want this to end, and want to do anything at all to repair it. I just wish it didn't take something like this.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Make sure the therapist you choose isn't just a marriage counselor, but one who has experience with infidelity. Not just physical, but emotional as well. He needs to see WHY transparency is important in order to move forward together. I wish you luck.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

sydsmommy said:


> I do not plan to expose to her spouse, at this point at least. I DO plan to inform her, once DS comes home this evening and they have had their "talk," that I will not tolerate another ounce of communication or I will expose her as fast as I can.


Bad idea. She will condition her husband to the idea that you're some random crazy jealous b*tch off the Internet, and if the push comes to shove, the exposure will not be efficient.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

_QUOTE sydsmommy: My partner refuses to set this boundary with OP through a text or email. Instead, DS insists on an in-person discussion "out of respect" to them, no exceptions. Whatever. I was so tired of fighting at this point. As divine intervention would have it, a mutual confidant said they would be there to confirm._


hmmmmm...I dont like this at all. He wants to tell her in person "out of respect" How much respect does the Other Married Woman deserve? They already admitted they were afraid of what will happen when she is back from her trip. A phone call in front of you would have set the tone. Whatever evidence you have needs to be shared with the OW's husband. Sorry but it does. This has rocked your world...why protect her?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are making three serious mistakes

1. Not exposing to her husband.

He is you best ally in busting this affair. He can both bring pressure on his wife, but also the OW will throw your husband under the bus to save her self.

2. Talking to her yourself

To her you are this devil woman who has been cruel to this great guy. She doesn't like you one bit, and will feel no guilt lying to you.

3. Letting him negotiate a private goodbye meeting.
This lets them have another jolt of the affair dopamine. That put hs getting out of the fog even farther away, but it also motivates them to setup a secret channel to carry on. Such as a burner phone, secret email account etc.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I fear it's too late now (which is one of the frustrating things about this forum--some threads get a lot of attention, and others, not as much) but

DO NOT LET HIM MEET WITH HER IN PERSON TO BREAK IT OFF.

I'm sorry you weren't strong enough to tell him this last night. Because the message of "it's me or her" means IT'S ME OR HER as of RIGHT NOW and NOT on his timetable.

To quote from Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley 
Surviving an Affair - Willard F. Harley, Jr., Willard F. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers




> How to Tell a Lover that the Relationship is Over
> 
> How can I explain to OW that I will never see her again? Wandering Spouse (WS) asked. The answer to that question is an extremely important part of the plan to separate. WS needed to end the relationship in a way that would make their separation complete. And he also needed to do it in a way that would be least offensive to Betrayed Spouse (BS).
> 
> ...


The form of that letter can be found on this forum, let us know if you need a link.


And here is my additional thought on that "meeting": that they will plot on how to take it further underground. Perhaps set up a secret email account, perhaps by matching burner phones.

On your behalf, I'm OUTRAGED that he doesn't agree to transparency.

Your very best bet is to expose this to her partner (boyfriend, husband) if she has one.


You need to get the book Not Just Friends ASAP ASAP ASAP.

You do not seem to understand that you are dealing with a relationship that strongly resembles an addiction--a powerful compulsion (bad habit) that he will feed and protect and nurture. It is an escapist fantasy and he loves it soooo much he will lie to your face again and again.

He has told you what he needs to tell you to get you off his back; all he's agreed to is:
--a meeting with her and
--no transparency so you can't check whether or not he's still in contact.

My husband fooled me for 3 years this way after I first caught him. The advice from the members of this forum is hard-earned, take it very, very seriously, do not repeat our mistakes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sydsmommy said:


> I do not plan to expose to her spouse, at this point at least. I DO plan to inform her, once DS comes home this evening and they have had their "talk," that I will not tolerate another ounce of communication or I will expose her as fast as I can.


*NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!*

Emphatically, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Y ou do NOT give the OW ANY inkling that you are going to expose. Ever ever ever! 

DO NOT do that. 

Let your partner cut off communication with her since partner siad they would. 

Personally, I woul contact her spouse now and tell them what the score is. *You do this WITHOUT any warning to your partner or the OW. NO WARNING, got it? * The reason for that is that your partner and the OW will scheme and prepare their stories about how you are just a jealous woman who is not happy i her relationship and is insecure and lashing out at everything/that you think they are up to no good when in fact "We're just friends" (this is EXACTLY how they will spin it if you give fair warning). Also, if they aware, they may take the affair even more underground and try to conceal it. Ick. 

SO.................. find the OW's spous eand expose expose expose. Nothing kills the "high" of an affair like having it all out in the open. It's not so pretty anymore. 

"It has recently come to my attention that your wife has been having an affair with my partner. I know this because (list your resources. If you have proof, even better). They have exchanged I love you/miss you (whatever else they said) and this has b\een detrimental not only to my relationship but my family as well as your marriage. I told my partner to cut it off and they said they would. If you were already aw are of this, then this won't come as a shock to you but if not, I think you deserve to know the truth. Call me/write me with any questions you may have."

THIS is how you do it. I am telling you, DO NOT AT ALL let your partner or the OW know before you expose. It will throw off the entire point of exposure. 

Also, I think i'ts bullsh*t that your partner is saying they need to meet "in person" with the OW. This is a cop-out. You realize that, right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

snap said:


> Bad idea. She will condition her husband to the idea that you're some random crazy jealous b*tch off the Internet, and if the push comes to shove, the exposure will not be efficient.


BINGO! :iagree:


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Ansley said:


> hmmmmm...I dont like this at all. He wants to tell her in person "out of respect" How much respect does the Other Married Woman deserve?


In his mind, obviously more respect than his own wife - as he does not respect her wish of NC.


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