# Phimosis



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello, I haven't been here in forever. 

My boyfriend has phimosis and has great difficulty having an orgasm. We've figured out how to do things without any pain, but we are still limited in what works. I googled some things that could help somewhat but I don't know how or even if I should bring it up to him at all. When he talks about it he just says that's how it's always been and he doesn't seem to have any worry about changing anything. 
If anyone has experiance with it, has steroid creams worked at all? Does it tend to get worse over time?

As for question #2- Sex itself is for me only at this point, though sometimes I would just prefer he use fingers and/or a toy. We've used toys in other ways so introducing them isn't the concern, it's more that he does these things as foreplay leading up to sex where, at least some of the time, I'd rather he just continue with them instead of switching to sex. I don't really know how to word that without it sounding rude.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

First, hi! 

* Waves madly *

Had to google. No experience. Anecdotal from a former TAMer’s son, it should get better by the teens, if not, then probably it won’t. (The son needed a circumcision.)

#2, By “sex” you mean intercourse? Can you ask him to just keep going with fingers/toys? What about cunnilingus? If he’s good with his part I wouldn’t worry too much (hard for you I’m sure).


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ya, he's in his 40s so I'm assuming it won't just go away but I'm hoping it doesn't get worse and could be treated with steroid cream or something. I don't want him to go through a circ. 

Cunnilingus takes me a fair amount of time to finish, I tend to let him decide when he wants to (vs asking for it) because I know it's a big ask. I'm still not entirely sure if he likes doing it or feels like he has to because I give orally every time. He seems tentative, though he says he enjoys it. 

Fingers are at least less work and less time but as soon as I'm getting into it he switches to sex. I can just say "No, I'd rather you keep doing this" but I'm worried about hurting his feelings or making him feel inadequate. I've gotten the impression that he has some sensitivity in these areas and I'd rather use extra caution than risk doing damage to his confidence and anxiety. 
Maybe I am putting too much into it.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Remove the foreskin (circumcision)! Why don’t you want him to do that? Why hasn’t he done that years ago? Can he wear a condom over it to stop the pain?

If he gets nothing from intercourse, and neither do you, I understand your suggestion. Can’t you gently ask whether he’d be okay with just mutual oral sex? I don’t know him so I can’t say whether he’d get offended.

It shouldn’t matter how long it takes for you to orgasm from cunnilingus. 30 minutes or less isn’t a problem, IMO. BTW, if he waits about 20 seconds after you orgasm for your clit to calm down, then goes back at it just the way that made you come, you’ll get stronger, better and easier orgasms in the second round. And third round, and fourth round, etc.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya, he's in his 40s so I'm assuming it won't just go away but I'm hoping it doesn't get worse and could be treated with steroid cream or something. I don't want him to go through a circ.
> 
> Cunnilingus takes me a fair amount of time to finish, I tend to let him decide when he wants to (vs asking for it) because I know it's a big ask. I'm still not entirely sure if he likes doing it or feels like he has to because I give orally every time. He seems tentative, though he says he enjoys it.
> 
> ...


Then you both sit down and have an honest talk. You can’t work this out if you both are hedging because of alleged hurt feelings.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This must be a new boyfriend (thank God). He won't learn what you want or like unless you tell him. He's a big boy - he can handle it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I’m not sure it needs a big serious sit down. Things are not in a crisis right now. 

I can O with PIV but very rarely is it as good as with toys, fingers or oral. I’d rather do other things but it’s not like I’m unhappy with PIV. 
But asking someone to use a toy or fingers in me instead of their penis seemed rude. 😬 i guess that was just me being overly concerned. 

Personally I would prefer he not get circumsized unless absolutely needed. It’s not something he’s brought up at all. There is steroid cream but I don’t know if it’s my place to bring up if he seems ok with it. If he enjoyed PIV then I would be happier with it too. I’d also feel more comfortable asking for more things in bed if we weren’t already in such an orgasm deficit (he rarely does) and felt like he enjoyed things more. 


Yes, different boyfriend.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

If you’re ok with him coming up for air occasionally, and not have that get you off track, when he says he likes it, he likes it and time isn’t an issue. 

I find fingers are one of the most intimate things we do. Not inadequate at all.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I’m not sure it needs a big serious sit down. Things are not in a crisis right now.
> 
> I can O with PIV but very rarely is it as good as with toys, fingers or oral. I’d rather do other things but it’s not like I’m unhappy with PIV.
> But asking someone to use a toy or fingers in me instead of their penis seemed rude. 😬 i guess that was just me being overly concerned.
> ...


It can severely mess with a man's head if there is an obligation to orgasm and do so with effortless enthusiasm. Sometimes 99% of sexual pleasure for men is all about being aroused and just allowing that to build. You should really research tantric sex, slow sex, and orgasm denial. You could ask him to focus just on you for your first orgasm and then tell him that he can only do PIV if he promises to not allow himself to orgasm. Explain that you want to experiment with him only having an orgasm on rare occasions. This will absolutely mess with his head, but the results will be exquisite. The reason being is that if currently he fails to have an orgasm, it is kind of a bummer. However if he fails at trying NOT to have an orgasm, well you will have to pretend to be really upset about it! 

I mean it seems like all the ingredients for this magic to happen are there, you just have to learn how to cook with fire. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Him Oing from PIV is really a non possibility at this point. 
Before me he was averaging about 1 actual O per year (regardless of if he was trying on his own or with a partner), I've upped that somewhat but it's really not a lot. 

I know there is self confidence issues around it and sex in general and so I'm hesitant to push too much into feeling like I'm saying "here, use this to do me with instead of your penis"


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Him Oing from PIV is really a non possibility at this point.
> Before me he was averaging about 1 actual O per year (regardless of if he was trying on his own or with a partner), I've upped that somewhat but it's really not a lot.
> 
> I know there is self confidence issues around it and sex in general and so I'm hesitant to push too much into feeling like I'm saying "here, use this to do me with instead of your penis"


Another thing that may be helpful is to understand that different people enjoy sex for completely different reasons. Some people want to be desired. Other people want to please others. Both result in similar sexual satisfaction regardless of orgasm.

So talk to him and ask him what aspects of being with you that he enjoys the most. Based on your description, he seems eager to please but you feel guilty asking. If you enjoy him touching you with his hands more than PIV, he is still using his body to please you. If you enjoy him using various toys to please you, he is getting to be the one that shares that with you as opposed to you doing it alone. 

If it turns out that there is something in particular that he likes, as long as he knows you are willing to reciprocate that is all that matters. If he does not know what he likes and you want to explore and try some different things, you may have fun with that challenge. If you have taken someone that could only O once a year and have managed to accomplish more than that, then consider yourself a Jedi master! 

There is a lot about sexuality that actually has to do with learning to be selfish, and sharing that selfishness with your partner. Sounds counterintuitive, but it is a zen way of learning what life is all about once you figure it out.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Him Oing from PIV is really a non possibility at this point.
> Before me he was averaging about 1 actual O per year (regardless of if he was trying on his own or with a partner), I've upped that somewhat but it's really not a lot.
> 
> I know there is self confidence issues around it and sex in general and so I'm hesitant to push too much into feeling like I'm saying "here, use this to do me with instead of your penis"


he might feel relief at your suggestion of fingers/toys/oral only, because he might be feeling a lot of pressure to 'perform' the old fashioned way (fragile male ego).

yes, he might be a bit hurt at first, but maybe relieved long term. as an aside, i once had a gf that put too much pressure on me to 'perform' because 
i was too big for her and she would 'wince in pain' every time. (not bragging necessarily, cause im not necessarily real big, just too big for HER). 
but i could always get her off with my fingers, multiple times in a row.
i will brag about that, i have very good hands.

BTW, i really commend you on your patience and understanding with you guy and his condition. that shows real love and commitment!


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya, he's in his 40s so I'm assuming it won't just go away but I'm hoping it doesn't get worse and could be treated with steroid cream or something. I don't want him to go through a circ.
> 
> Cunnilingus takes me a fair amount of time to finish, I tend to let him decide when he wants to (vs asking for it) because I know it's a big ask. I'm still not entirely sure if he likes doing it or feels like he has to because I give orally every time. He seems tentative, though he says he enjoys it.
> 
> ...





SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I’m not sure it needs a big serious sit down. Things are not in a crisis right now.
> 
> I can O with PIV but very rarely is it as good as with toys, fingers or oral. I’d rather do other things but it’s not like I’m unhappy with PIV.
> But asking someone to use a toy or fingers in me instead of their penis seemed rude. 😬 i guess that was just me being overly concerned.
> ...


If he can't orgasm from intercourse, then I'd say circumcision is needed. I mean, seriously, what's the hangup? Is there something for which he's using his foreskin? Cause it certainly ain't helping him in the sex department.

As far as preferring him to continue using his fingers, rather than transitioning to PIV, why not whimper and say "Please don't stop" in that sultry begging voice that women do?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> First, hi!
> 
> * Waves madly *


That made me lol.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why no circ- It's a painful surgery. I think there must be something that can be done before you just go cutting it off. There would be a lot of recovery time that would put any kind of sexual activity off the table. I do prefer men who are not circ'ed but it's not a deal breaker for me either way. If he had to get it done, I would support him. If it gets worse I am guessing it will be something that is required. I don't know if it's something that does get worse over time, or if it will just stay this way. 
He's never mentioned circumcision so I'm assuming it's not something he has thought about. 

On my end, I give oral, anal on me, give prostate play and rimming, use a fleshlight sleeve and various toys, etc so I attempt a variety even though most things aren't going to get the job done. I try to make the journey as fun as possible because I know there's not always a destination to get to. 

I know he enjoys pleasing me and I just hope that I won't make him feel inadequate. Maybe I have read too many stories of egos being shattered by feelings of sexual inadequacy but I didn't want him to feel bad if I asked for and chose things other than PIV for myself. Maybe it stems back to when I was in a relationship where all he ever wanted was oral and never sex. It hurt me then, I don't want it to come across that way. 
I'll try various ways of asking sexy and see if that helps at all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am going to be technical, and am not trying at all to be critical.

So....

The advantages of circumcision are real.

Most have to do with hygiene. 

Ideally, a boy or a man must pull his foreskin back daily and clean Mr. Little's head.
Clean hands, clean shorts, clean actions .
Nope, not going to happen.

Not doing this, can cause infections, which cause edema, or swelling, which, in turn, causes the bulbous head to expand more than the sheathe can expand.


Getting an erection with the sheath stuck, can feel, not appreciate the swell. :surprise: 

Ach! It cannot feel well, nor is it swell.

If the sheathe gets stuck in the back position this could be an emergency condition. This, maybe could cause gangrene from lack of blood flow to the penis.


At forty, he knows what needs to be done. 

Such an important thing for every man to take good care of.

Steroid cream works as a temporary fix. 
Just remember, it will not have a good taste and your tongue will also go numb if the two meet.

Sorry!

Tell him you have read up on his condition.
Offer up no details, unless he asks. 

Hopefully, he mentions circumcision after his prolonged circumspection.
He has had forty years of pondering this, his flag pole issues.

Continuous infections can lead to scarring, leading to more retraction problems. 

In a perfect world, an un-circumcised penis and a well working sheathe is the way to go, from what Iv'e read. 
More pleasure?
Dunno.. I am not that candidate.


This condition can lead to penile cancer, and 'can' be yet another cause of his female partner getting cervical cancer. A women's cervix hates infections. STD's can lead to cervical cancer, also.

The reason he get little satisfaction from PIV is because it hurts and the head is likely numb from blocked nerves. Plus, psychologically, it makes him very self conscious.

Of course.


Lilith-


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I know he enjoys pleasing me and I just hope that I won't make him feel inadequate. Maybe I have read too many stories of egos being shattered by feelings of sexual inadequacy but I didn't want him to feel bad if I asked for and chose things other than PIV for myself. Maybe it stems back to when I was in a relationship where all he ever wanted was oral and never sex. It hurt me then, I don't want it to come across that way.
> I'll try various ways of asking sexy and see if that helps at all.


I am curious though, why do his fingers feel better than PIV? I've never quite understood why a woman can be digitally stimulated to orgasm with relative ease, but not via PIV. Or in your case, why one is much more pleasurable than the other.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

I can’t imagine why on earth he wouldn’t want to remove the foreskin and why that wasn’t done many years ago.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

IME- The circ’ed men I have been with have been circ’ed since birth so 30-40 years of loss of nerves and protection for the head had caused less sensation and needing more stimulation. 

Similar to how I get when I’ve used my magic wand too much. I can generally use less vigorous stimulation with an intact penis (which doesn’t necessarily mean they O faster) 

I prefer playing with and a penis that still has the foreskin. I like using my tongue underneath it and can use it to aid in manual stimulation. 

My current boyfriend doesn’t have as many of the benefits of being intact but I know surgery is a pretty drastic step and he’s never indicated that is something he’s even thought about. 

As for fingers- they bend to hit the spot better. You can use more or less to vary the size. It’s also less work for me and I can be completely relaxed.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

He is in his 40’s and he is lucky to have 1 orgasm a year regardless of whether it’s piv, oral, etc. - I know you said you’ve upped it but seriously I do not understand. It’s a simple procedure that would allow him to experience pleasure sexually. He obviously currently isn’t and hasn’t. What is his deal?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's painful surgery that has risks and would require him to take off work and break from all sexual activity while he heals. 

I wouldn't suggest it for him but I also would support him if he chose it. Most of the things I read list it as a worst case, last resort option. 

I don't think he knows the term for what he has or has ever bothered to research it at all. When I asked him about it when we first met he didn't know why or what, just that it's always been that way and there's nothing he can do about it. 

I googled, cause that's what I do.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Every surgery has risks but a circumcision is routine. Yes, he will have to abstain until he heals. Like abstaining after giving birth. The benefits far outweigh any risk. He could have a normal, satisfying sex life. He doesn’t have that now and won’t in the future. You mention losing sensitivity with circumsision and that’s true to a small degree but it doesn’t interfere with the ability to orgasm. He can barely orgasm now or has pain. HE is not getting much pleasure at all through any kind of sex. I can’t see how he wouldn’t want to change that when he absolutely can. It’s mind boggling to me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I doubt it would even be something the Dr would suggest until other things have been tried and there's no immediate emergency. I don't even know if health care would cover it if it's not needed right now

I can suggest he talk to his Dr but I don't want to suggest something like surgery to fix it, I don't want him to feel like I need him to change.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> As for fingers- they bend to hit the spot better. You can use more or less to vary the size. It’s also less work for me and I can be completely relaxed.


Can you not accomplish the same thing if you're in a certain position? If it's on the upper wall for instance, you laying prone, and him straddling your hips? 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's painful surgery that has risks and would require him to take off work and break from all sexual activity while he heals.
> 
> I wouldn't suggest it for him but I also would support him if he chose it. Most of the things I read list it as a worst case, last resort option.
> 
> ...


He's content with having 1 orgasm a year (I think that's what you said, previous to your arrival)? If so, I'd be very, very worried.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

He needs to do this for himself not to please you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

A lot of positions are off limits just due to size, but yes I can position myself in a way that I can O during PIV. I just prefer fingers because I can lay back and relax, not have to worry about shifting into the right position all the time, he can provide more stimulation and more varied pressure and size, and can hit the spot easier and with more consistency which leads to better Os for me. 

He hasn't brought up circumcision and his Drs haven't suggested it to him so there's nothing else really to say about it. If he wanted to, I would support him. If he's happy how he is, I'll support him too. I would like to try some non-invasive suggestions but I want to be careful how I bring it up so he doesn't feel like I'm trying to change him. 
I really am happy with him and if this is exactly how it would always be, I'd be 100% ok with that. *IF* we could make some tweaks to make things even better, that would be great too. Me suggesting surgery feels really drastic to me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

curious2 said:


> He is in his 40’s and he is lucky to have 1 orgasm a year regardless of whether it’s piv, oral, etc. - I know you said you’ve upped it but seriously I do not understand. It’s a simple procedure that would allow him to experience pleasure sexually. He obviously currently isn’t and hasn’t. What is his deal?


 @SlowlyGoingCrazy many people just seem to jump to a conclusion that circumcision as this simple procedure that will somehow magically allow him to orgasm five times a day....

Ummmm no, I don't think so. Whatever his reasons are for not being easily orgasmic, I doubt very seriously that it has anything to do with his foreskin. It could just be the way he is.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Is he open to discussing his condition? Could you say you looked it up because you wanted to learn more about it because you care for him and want you BOTH to enjoy sex and each other as fully as you can? You could ask if he has ever considered circumsicion rather than outright suggesting it. Maybe there is some medical reason it’s not an option for him but nothing you’ve said suggests that. Idk...


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

As for tweaking things so you could be more satisfied during this convo would be a good time to bring it up. He may prefer it as well since I would imagine intercourse is probably is often painful,uncomfortable for him.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> A lot of positions are off limits just due to size, but yes I can position myself in a way that I can O during PIV. I just prefer fingers because I can lay back and relax, not have to worry about shifting into the right position all the time, he can provide more stimulation and more varied pressure and size, and can hit the spot easier and with more consistency which leads to better Os for me.
> 
> He hasn't brought up circumcision and his Drs haven't suggested it to him so there's nothing else really to say about it. If he wanted to, I would support him. If he's happy how he is, I'll support him too. I would like to try some non-invasive suggestions but I want to be careful how I bring it up so he doesn't feel like I'm trying to change him.
> I really am happy with him and if this is exactly how it would always be, I'd be 100% ok with that. *IF* we could make some tweaks to make things even better, that would be great too. Me suggesting surgery feels really drastic to me.


Right on.

Well, my concern is that if this man is content with one orgasm a year, he's likely very LD. Which could prove very unpleasant if he gets tired of how much energy you're pouring into your sexual relationship, and decide down the road that it's not worth the trouble (though, he's already made that decision, by not researching or looking into the issue).



badsanta said:


> many people just seem to jump to a conclusion that circumcision as this simple procedure that will somehow magically allow him to orgasm five times a day....
> 
> Ummmm no, I don't think so. Whatever his reasons are for not being easily orgasmic, I doubt very seriously that it has anything to do with his foreskin. It could just be the way he is.


What it will do, is allow the head and shaft of his penis to be stimulated, which will lend itself to having orgasms.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

I agree biofurry. How long have you been with him? What do you know about his past relationships?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I get that surgery is a last resort, and that’s valid. Does he have a vibrator of his own? Frenum play with it? (I, unsolicitedly, got my wife a Je Joue Mimi, she didn’t like it. I said fine I’ll use, not actually meaning it, but it’s, well, fun and effective.)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

We've been together 6 months. His previous relationships were normal enough, no sexual issues, just compatibility in general. 
So far I haven't seen anything from him that would worry me about his drive itself, he has never said no or turned down any activity. We have the same yes and no lists when it comes to more extreme things. 

I use various vibes and toys on him, that works more often than just oral/oiled massage. Prostate works well too. We are up to 2-3 times a month. 

I should say too that sex is very important to me but I would be willing to give up bits of what I wanted in that area because he is the most amazing person and we get along like best friends who want to be naked all the time. We cuddle naked and sleep naked and are very intimate in many ways. 

I'm scared to hurt his feelings or self esteem by trying to tweak things too much. I'm worried his phimosis will get worse or become a bigger problem for him but I don't want to make it seem like it's an issue that is bothering me because I think he is sensitive about it. 

As for wanting more of other things vs PIV, again it's not a must have but if I can find fun ways to steer it that way then it would be great. Part of me feels like I'm being greedy when I have such an amazing relationship and I'm still wanting little tweaks and changes.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Ok. You’re both happy. I’m happy for you.You’re not being selfish. If you aren’t comfortable dealing with this directly... when you’re really into what he’s doing be VERY vocal about it. If he attempts to shift gears say ... no baby don’t stop.... feels so good....I’m gonna cum.... something a long those lines...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> We are up to 2-3 times a month.


I'll toss this thought at you... When it comes to circumcision there are actually some men out there that after having that procedure done at birth will go on to try and regrow their foreskin. This involves are variety of tools that gradually stretch the skin over time. If you research that you'll find all sorts of techniques that men use to stretch the circumcised skin back into a natural state that will cover the glans. My point being is that skin stretches, perhaps there are some exercises that your partner may enjoy that will help relieve his condition. 

Also my spouse of from another country where no one gets circumcised. There is however a common procedure that young men undergo that involves a small snip to the foreskin so that the glans can easily reveal itself. While I do not understand the cultural contexts, I assume that is done to help facilitate good hygiene. I looked that up and the term is preputioplasty if you want to research.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why no circ- It's a painful surgery. I think there must be something that can be done before you just go cutting it off. There would be a lot of recovery time that would put any kind of sexual activity off the table. I do prefer men who are not circ'ed but it's not a deal breaker for me either way. If he had to get it done, I would support him. If it gets worse I am guessing it will be something that is required. I don't know if it's something that does get worse over time, or if it will just stay this way.
> He's never mentioned circumcision so I'm assuming it's not something he has thought about.
> 
> On my end, I give oral, anal on me, give prostate play and rimming, use a fleshlight sleeve and various toys, etc so I attempt a variety even though most things aren't going to get the job done. I try to make the journey as fun as possible because I know there's not always a destination to get to.
> ...


He's 40, unless I misread posts. 

If circumcision will correct this, he needs to just do it. Good Lord.

Game over, choose to make it better, gotta do it, and now.

Temp pain of surgery will fade. Then life = much better.

I'm thankful I was circumcised, many many are indeed. It may not be PC to say out loud by some groups opinions, others have no problems saying it's best.

If he knows this will correct the problem and just won't do it, that itself is a problem, as it sure sounds like correcting will improve the relationship. 

It almost shows a lack of concern for your happiness and that he doesn't care if you have a future together or not.

The why not of things is sounding more important here.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I haven’t read any of the response but I just wanted you to know that I work on health care and I give anesthesia during surgeries... I have had so many circumcisions on adults that have phimosis so it’s not that uncommon and there is a surgical one and done way to fix it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

There is some stretching that he could do, with the addition of steroid cream. It depends a lot on where you’re reading. Many places go right to surgery without exploring anything. 

These kinds of things are what I was hoping to explore. I would certainly be willing to help in any way I could. I don’t want to bring it up as an issue that needs fixing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I haven’t read any of the response but I just wanted you to know that I work on health care and I give anesthesia during surgeries... I have had so many circumcisions on adults that have phimosis so it’s not that uncommon and there is a surgical one and done way to fix it.


By any chance would you know the long term effects of these procedures from patients that follow up? Some general advice in that regard may be of interest to the OP.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Thank you, yes I would be interested in knowing those kinds of things. 

Can I just clarify that he hasn’t refused anything. It’s not like he’s been offered a circ and turned it down. It’s not been a suggestion. I don’t even think our sex life would be much different if he didn’t have this issue. I still do things even if they don’t have an ending. He still does things even if they aren’t going to make him O. 

This isn’t something that is hurting us that he’s refusing to fix. 

I’d also, personal preference, be happier if he could find a way to keep his foreskin before surgery was on the table.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I doubt it would even be something the Dr would suggest until other things have been tried and there's no immediate emergency. I don't even know if health care would cover it if it's not needed right now
> 
> I can suggest he talk to his Dr but I don't want to suggest something like surgery to fix it, I don't want him to feel like I need him to change.


You're kind if on the fence here; do you want him to have this fixed, less pain, better sex, or not ie for nothing to change?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BioFury said:


> Right on.
> 
> Well, my concern is that if this man is content with one orgasm a year, he's likely very LD. Which could prove very unpleasant if he gets tired of how much energy you're pouring into your sexual relationship, and decide down the road that it's not worth the trouble (though, he's already made that decision, by not researching or looking into the issue).
> 
> ...


Well, yeah 👍


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Thank you, yes I would be interested in knowing those kinds of things.
> 
> Can I just clarify that he hasn’t refused anything. It’s not like he’s been offered a circ and turned it down. It’s not been a suggestion. I don’t even think our sex life would be much different if he didn’t have this issue. I still do things even if they don’t have an ending. He still does things even if they aren’t going to make him O.
> 
> ...


If he's never had a pain free erection and or orgasm, Christ, just get it done and over with.

He's 40. He deserves getting this permanently resolved if circumcision will correct it.

Maybe keep any leftovers in a bottle?

Just kidding there. But if surgery will resolve, it's a no brainer.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're kind if on the fence here; do you want him to have this fixed, less pain, better sex, or not ie for nothing to change?


If nothing ever changed, I would be fine with that
If he wanted to try something to fix it, I would be supportive of it. 

I would prefer methods that would keep the foreskin intact vs. going right to a surgical option, but that's up to his Dr, who hasn't suggested anything at this point. 
Keep in mind that I'm not in the USA, even in Canada the circ rates are not that high. It's interesting to read articles on how to fix it, articles written in the USA go right to circing. Articles written in other parts of the world at least explore other options. 

My worry is that it will get worse and I wonder if trying some steroid creams or something now could prevent it from getting worse but I don't want to bring it up to him in a way that sounds like it's a problem I need fixed. 

You assume better sex if it was fixed? Maybe. We still do all the things we want to. We have a very active sex life that includes (from a thread I saw just a bit ago) "Full menu sex" - including things outside the box for many people like rimming, and prostate play, and role playing. 

I have had many, many times where I have sexual activity without an O. Sex doesn't have to revolve around Oing to be good.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he's never had a pain free erection and or orgasm, Christ, just get it done and over with.
> 
> He's 40. He deserves getting this permanently resolved if circumcision will correct it.
> 
> ...


You say this like there's a circ store he can just walk into and he's just deciding not to go. 

Unless he wants to pay for it as a cosmetic surgery, this would be something his Dr would have to suggest and refer him for as medically necessary. He may be able to go in and ask for that but that's up to him to do, not me to tell him to go and fix.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If nothing ever changed, I would be fine with that
> If he wanted to try something to fix it, I would be supportive of it.
> 
> I would prefer methods that would keep the foreskin intact vs. going right to a surgical option, but that's up to his Dr, who hasn't suggested anything at this point.
> ...


Women are generally the only ones who think that. Any normal man would find sexual activity without an orgasm to be very unpleasant. Which is why I'm advising you to be careful. The man you're with is displaying a startling degree of apathy with regard to sex. And that apathy could with time, erode away the amount of sexual activity you guys _do_ have. Because he simply doesn't care enough to try.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You say this like there's a circ store he can just walk into and he's just deciding not to go.
> 
> Unless he wants to pay for it as a cosmetic surgery, this would be something his Dr would have to suggest and refer him for as medically necessary. He may be able to go in and ask for that but that's up to him to do, not me to tell him to go and fix.


All very doable. I get you. And I agree it is indeed his call. Only he knows if he's ready to make changes or not, he does have to be ready.

But in the flipside it's not an impossible mountain to climb and there's a good outcome expected.

Good luck in either direction.

I say all this from a 56yo point of view, having had a few surgeries in my life, some easier than others. Married almost 35yrs.

Nothing gets better if nothing changes here.

A side note, if this is an issue now for the two of you, it will only be more of an issue as time goes on and may kill any chances of a ltr.

Best,


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

BioFury said:


> Women are generally the only ones who think that. Any normal man would find sexual activity without an orgasm to be very unpleasant. Which is why I'm advising you to be careful. The man you're with is displaying a startling degree of apathy with regard to sex. And that apathy could with time, erode away the amount of sexual activity you guys _do_ have. Because he simply doesn't care enough to try.


Maybe men who have spent their lives with O focused sexual activity would have a hard time but many men are perfectly happy to shift things so it's about the journey and not the destination. 

I would have agreed with you a few years ago but I've known a few men now who's focus isn't on his O for one reason or another. It took a bit to get used to as women are often taught that sex revolves around his O, but I'm happy to explore different things that aren't O goal focused. 

As for him trying, he does. Anything I bring up or want to add to the mix, he tries and he suggests things too. We have a very active sex life that includes many things. We both initiate an equal amount. He's never had a time where he's not in the mood. 

Are you suggesting that if you lost your ability to O that you'd not bother with being sexually active with your spouse anymore?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

badsanta said:


> By any chance would you know the long term effects of these procedures from patients that follow up? Some general advice in that regard may be of interest to the OP.




I will ask a urologist friend of mine and get back to you.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree that the advice of a specialist in this field should be a priority. The sexual aspects are important, true. But the hygiene and cancer related questions may be more important. Both of you are more likely to have inflammation/infections and health issues without treatment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's painful surgery that has risks and would require him to take off work and break from all sexual activity while he heals.
> 
> I wouldn't suggest it for him but I also would support him if he chose it. Most of the things I read list it as a worst case, last resort option.
> 
> ...


Lordy...

You are the perfect partner, I says this hands-down.

You are willing to compromise, to twist yourself in knots to make this relationship work.

He is the imperfect partner, I say this hands up, giving up on him, not on you.

So what if he is off work for a few weeks, the surgery is worth it.

Infants boys have the same nerve endings and they manage to deal with it.
And so do their anxious Moms.

Get him in gear, put your foot down, insist that the surgery be done, get his penis in gear and ready to rear up, all ready for action.

Stop making up excuses for his juvenile fears. 
Or, are they really only your fears?

If he loves you, and he should, he will do this for YOU.

Later, he will kick himself for not doing it sooner.

Believe me...




Lilith-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When he goes in for surgery, have the doctor write out (the note) that it is for hernia surgery, *if he is embarrassed* to reveal what kind of surgery he is going to have.

Most employers do not specifically ask for the reason for medical care. Technically, HIPPA laws forbid sharing this information, anyway.

*Do not let him* use his vacation time for the surgery. 




LMc-


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Maybe men who have spent their lives with O focused sexual activity would have a hard time but many men are perfectly happy to shift things so it's about the journey and not the destination.
> 
> I would have agreed with you a few years ago but I've known a few men now who's focus isn't on his O for one reason or another. It took a bit to get used to as women are often taught that sex revolves around his O, but I'm happy to explore different things that aren't O goal focused.
> 
> ...


What I'm saying, is that men who possess a sexual drive would almost universally find sex without orgasm to be vexing. Your man not finding this vexing would suggest that he does not possess a sex drive. Or that the one he does possess, is extraordinarily weak.

Imagine you're watching a really great movie, except when the last 20 minutes hits, where all the plot lines converge for the climax of the show, your boyfriend turns it off. Would you enjoy that?

Or, how about an even more direct comparison. Let's say it's your horny time of the month, and you really want some intense sex, and lots of orgasms. Only your partner will only tease you, and won't let you orgasm. Would you find that fulfilling?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with the above. I think he should make an appointment to see a urologist and talk about options.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I have a very high sex drive even when I don't O, which I usually didn't with my ex. I don't O during my period week, I am still very sexual in many ways. I was on meds one time that made me unable to O, I was still very sexual. I guess I'm not worried that he'll suddenly have no interest in sex. There's plenty he can do to and with me that doesn't even involve his penis. 

I often use my tongue to try to gently stretch it while I am giving oral. I am hoping we may be able to build on that so it doesn't get worse in his future, that is more my worry. 
A- that it will get worse
B- me suggesting we look into this more and hurting his feelings, or making it seem like I am having a problem with it. 

A lot of the information I have read is that phimosis is not a problem that needs fixing unless it is causing problems (infection, swelling, inability to urinate, etc) 

His family Dr would be the one to decide if he needed medical treatment and I would hope they would explore less invasive options before surgery but that's up to his Dr. 

He's had this his whole life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

His family dr would very very likely write it up as was he was asked to do, to help his patient get over this, and get it covered by insurance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I doubt it would even be something the Dr would suggest until other things have been tried and there's no immediate emergency. I don't even know if health care would cover it if it's not needed right now
> 
> I can suggest he talk to his Dr but I don't want to suggest something like surgery to fix it, I don't want him to feel like I need him to change.


1) Depending on the coding, health care could very well pay for it, or some of it. Whatever it costs it is worth it. Hmmm.
I know, you are in Canada. Universal Health Care ain't what its supporters say it is...yep.

2) Yes, the doctor would need to show that every option had been tried. More paperwork.

3) Please want to suggest it. He needs a push, and a tug and a hug and a snip. 
Yes, you need him to change. Put it to him nicely.

Use your kindness in a more positive manner.



LMc-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He's had this his whole life.


He has had this problem his whole life, yes, and the man cannot have an orgasm, or darn few.

He won't dump you if you get him to correct his problem. No way Jose'.

I am beginning to think that you are the one being selfish, for some reason...

Such that, you like the status quo, the present situation. 

Maybe, PIV is not something you relish, maybe you know he will never leave you while having this condition.

Just a thought.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Referral to a Urologist is first step. Phimosis, depending on its severity, can be treated with corticosteroid cream applied for about 8 weeks combined with gentle stretching when appropriate. A circ is indicated in certain circumstances, again depending on the nature and severity of the issue. That is your partner’s decision with his dr. Not anybody else’s.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

aquarius1 said:


> Referral to a Urologist is first step. Phimosis, depending on its severity, can be treated with corticosteroid cream applied for about 8 weeks combined with gentle stretching when appropriate. A circ is indicated in certain circumstances, again depending on the nature and severity of the issue. That is your partner’s decision with his dr. Not anybody else’s.


Thank you.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

badsanta said:


> By any chance would you know the long term effects of these procedures from patients that follow up? Some general advice in that regard may be of interest to the OP.





SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Thank you, yes I would be interested in knowing those kinds of things...


Due to an ever worsening case of Phimosis, I had to finally have a circumcision in my mid-fifties.

It was somewhat uncomfortable for a few days, but nothing disabling. As I recall, it had completely healed in a few weeks. It did take a few months to get used to the exposed "glans" moving around in my underwear. 

For several reasons, I found life without a foreskin to be better, and wished that I had done it much sooner. 

It won't get better, there's no good reason to waste time just suffering with it.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

In Canada, phimosis is covered under healthcare if it is for medical reasons. A non retractile foreskin is a medical reason.

This convo triggers me. If we were talking about a woman who was not orgasming and had discomfort during sex we would advise her to see her doctor and explore options.

And, if it was a woman, we would have NO say in how we prefer it be done or not done.

It’s his body. He has the right to be informed and make an informed decision. 

I gotta take a pass on this one. 

Watching others pass opinions and ask a person to live a partially satisfying sex life because “I” prefer uncirc’d is grossly unfair and borders on selfish. If we care for people we want what’s best for them, not us.

Exiting this conversation....


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I never said I asked him to not circ. It’s never been brought up. Ever. Neither of us are refusing anything. He’s had this his whole life. I’ve been with him 6 months and we discussed it 1 time. This is between him and his dr. 

I said numerous times that I would support him with anything. 

I would prefer a dr attempt non surgical methods before jumping to surgery because most medical sources say this is the best option and yes, if he could repair the issue without surgery and still have his foreskin, that is better for everyone. 

That doesn’t mean I am telling him what to do.


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