# Help! I don’t know what to do



## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. He’s been odd and secretive lately and I’ve ask him if there’s someone else. He said no. Then recently he got caught. He’s been texting her. After he got caught he says that he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He said he needs time to think. He’s talking to this girl and he even works with her. He is going on military trying and so is she. I’m willing to give him time to think but it’s hard know that she is going to be there also and is still talking to her. I told him that I forgive him. I want to fix our marriage and change myself to make us work. I’m willing to compromise. I love my husband with all my and really want us to be together. I don’t know what to do. Also he stills kisses me goodbye and occasionally holds my hand. We even had sex. I’m confused


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

Wow, I am so sorry for what you are gong through. I don't know what you should do exactly but from just reading this you sound like you are being waay too nice about all this!! He is treating you terribly right now! And it sounds like you are telling him that he can do no wrong and you are there waiting and hoping for him to choose you. I think most wives would be way less forgiving than you even if they DO hope to stay together and become closer.


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## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

Thank you. I’m just hoping that by me telling him that I forgive him that there is hope in fixing our marriage. It’s very hard especially because we have kids


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

I am curious to know, if you don't mind sharing. What have you been fightng about? Also how many children do you have and how old are they?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

What you are doing is trying to NICE him back to the marriage. Honey... Let me bring you in on a little secret. I live here, in this forum, I read EVERY dang darn day, (infidelity has scarred me that bad) So i read, I learn and i got to tell ya. I PROMIS YOU, im practically psychic,(Many who frequent here are) You are going to lose the marriage with the approach you have. 

He is going to military training? Is that USA? if it is that is very very taboo, and he can and she can get in SERIOUS trouble if they cheat, (oops they already have). 

He does not know what he wants? Well show him one option, divorce and telling his command heads. 

Got to be willing to be strong to be respected. What you are doing is very very weak, and it will not work.

My suggestion and advice is not a promise that you will not still lose the marriage, because forget him, you lost him when he went for the other woman... YOU ALREADY DONT HAVE HIS LOVE. But you might retain some self respect because man....when you lose that ....ouch.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Help! I don’t know what to do*

Well, to begin with, rather than just forgiving him for playing slap-and-tickle with another woman, you might want to consider getting VERY angry.

And that anger would be entirely justified. If my husband had messed around with another woman in any way, shape, or form, I would have gone nuclear on him.

You can remain in doormat mode and let him wipe his feet all over you or you can get good and ticked off. Strength is the hand you have to play if you have any hope of saving this marriage.

P. S. - Frankly, if any man pulled this crap on me, I'd dump him like radioactive waste. JMO.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Help! I don’t know what to do*



Megnislost10$ said:


> My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. He’s been odd and secretive lately and I’ve ask him if there’s someone else. He said no. Then recently he got caught. He’s been texting her. After he got caught he says that he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He said he needs time to think. He’s talking to this girl and he even works with her. He is going on military trying and so is she. I’m willing to give him time to think but it’s hard know that she is going to be there also and is still talking to her. I told him that I forgive him. I want to fix our marriage and change myself to make us work. I’m willing to compromise. I love my husband with all my and really want us to be together. I don’t know what to do. Also he stills kisses me goodbye and occasionally holds my hand. We even had sex. I’m confused


That very minute, very second that my husband is communicating with another woman and he says he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know if he wants to be with me is the minute it's over. 

But you are you, not me. 

Are you saying you want to wait in the wings while he works things out with this other woman while they are off stationed somewhere else away from you? 

One thing I can tell you about the military is that it's not like civilian life. Adultery in the military is a criminal offense. Look it up.

Keep any evidence you have.


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## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

Thank you all for you input. I did get ragging mad. He says the never did anything physical and only talked about what if they hooked up.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Report him and her to his commander!!

(Not sure of the chain of command but maybe someone else will?)


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Megnislost10$, how old are you and your WH?
How long have you been married?
How old are you kids?

If you do not play your cards right you will lose your marriage. 

1. You have to do the 180 on him, tell him to get out and he can have all the time he wants but he is not coming back. No calls, no contact, no nothing.
2. You cannot nice a potential cheater/cheater into a marriage or play the 'pick me' dance which is what you are doing. 
3. No begging, crying, pleading, he will lose respect for you completely and do whatever he wants anyhow.
4. Ask a good friend to come beside you for support
5. Tell his Commanding officer - affairs are frowned on in the military, there will be flak, but let him see you for a strong, no nonsense woman who will not put up with his disrespect and cheating.
6. Tell your families, and friends, what has been going on in the marriage, expose his ass - when his family and friends know about this, his attraction to her will nose dive because he will not be the man he pretends to be - this is no shame on you, it is his shame to carry. He will be angry, let him be, tell him he brought it on himself.
Then go and meet an army lawyer as to what your options are, I guess they have those services in the army.
7. If she is married or has a boyfriend, family expose her too.

Dont let him walk all over you, nobody deserves to be treated as second best.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

*Re: Help! I don’t know what to do*



Megnislost10$ said:


> My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. He’s been odd and secretive lately and I’ve ask him if there’s someone else. He said no. Then recently he got caught. He’s been texting her. After he got caught he says that he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He said he needs time to think. He’s talking to this girl and he even works with her. He is going on military trying and so is she. I’m willing to give him time to think but it’s hard know that she is going to be there also and is still talking to her. I told him that I forgive him. I want to fix our marriage and change myself to make us work. I’m willing to compromise. I love my husband with all my and really want us to be together. I don’t know what to do. Also he stills kisses me goodbye and occasionally holds my hand. We even had sex. I’m confused


One of many mistakes you made is saying that you would change yourself for him. He is going to walk all over you and cheat until he cannot cheat anymore. When there is no big penalty for cheating, the cheater will keep on cheating. He now know you fear divorce and that is a bad thing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Help! I don’t know what to do*



Megnislost10$ said:


> He says the never did anything physical and only talked about what if they hooked up.


And you should believe him because ... ????? Uh, no. No way.

Your husband has lied to you. He has told you he doesn't even know if he wants to remain with you. He's a liar. And I wouldn't place any bets on his fidelity to you. Cheaters cheat and cheaters lie.

I don't know how you can stand to breathe the same air as this jerk, but it is your life. You have to decide if you want to stay with him. The thing is, he's the one who should be begging YOU to forgive him. As it stands, you are almost groveling at his feet to keep him around. 

Perhaps you should consider letting him go until he shows some genuine remorse for his actions. Time to shore up your self-esteem and realize this guy just ain't worth it as things stand right now.


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## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

How do I report him and her? I’m not sure of the process and I kind of that they won’t do anything being that he is very liked by his higher romancing officers


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## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

I mean ranking


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Talk to his commanding officer etc and ask him if you should also report your conversation (with the commanding officer) to your congressman. Reference to the congressman should motivate him to talk with your husband and the other woman. 

You received excellent advice here from people that have personally experienced your pain. Follow Aine's check list. 

The tougher you respond the more likely you are to save your marriage...and you can't be too tough. 

Check in ..stay in touch...you are not alone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Want to save your marriage?

Wreck his world and throw him out.

Being a doormat and pick me dancing only communicates that you're low value and are willing to be plan B while he tries out the other woman. 

Your only real chance is to throw him out.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Report him to his commander? Bad advice. Take it from a former Army officer...

It's the nuclear option. Use it only if he's physically abusive, threatening, or dangerous. The fall out will be disastrous not just for him, but for you and the kiddos. 

If you use it because you and or TAMFEMS are mad and/or think he's playing hide the wiener with a fellow serviceperson, the fall out will be military punishment, loss of rank, income, and potential for advancement if he's a career serviceman. Potential for less than honorable discharge means bad civilian employment possibilities, loss of VA benefits and other family-hurting actions. 

Just divorce the bozo, take half of everything he has, hit him with child support payments. If he's still military, Uncle Sam will help enforce his impoverishment and provide the income to be transferred to you. Screw him up with the service, and you lose big time.


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## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

Honestly I don’t care to receive anything from him or for the kids. I have 3 kids. 1 of which is from. The other 2 are from a previous relationship. He’s helped me raised my 2 other kids and treated them like his own. He threw everything away. I can deal without his money. Why should I be punished and thrown to the side and he gets to move on happily?


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## Megnislost10$ (Jul 2, 2018)

aine said:


> Megnislost10$, how old are you and your WH?
> How long have you been married?
> How old are you kids?
> 
> ...




Do you know if there is another way to report him? He is very liked by his commanding officers. Also they are all out training in the field so I wouldn’t know what to do


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Help! I don’t know what to do*



Megnislost10$ said:


> Honestly I don’t care to receive anything from him or the kids.


Oh, c'mon ... let's get real here. He's cheating. You have THREE kids. Logic dictates you go for support. Don't make decisions based on emotion, make them based logic. Unless you are independently wealthy, the money you receive for child support will be a great help in allowing you and your kids to live a decent life. 



Megnislost10$ said:


> Why should I be punished and thrown to the side and he gets to move on happily


With your current mindset, that is exactly what will happen. My husband was a retired LTC (Army). I think I know a thing or two about military life. And, yeah, he WILL move on happily if you maintain you don't need or want a single cent from him. I am in total agreement with 23cm on this. Don't blow up hubs career. HOWEVER ... take what is rightfully yours. 

Divorce his worthless butt. Why? Because he's not only a cheater, but he doesn't give a crap about you. He's made it clear about that, because he already has one foot waaaaayyyyyy out the door. 

Cut your losses. But do it from a rational perspective and leave emotions out of the equation.


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