# Failing marriage, can't figure out what's wrong



## arrrgman (Mar 10, 2011)

My wife and I are both in our mid-30s, and will have been married four years this month. We have a beautiful three year old daughter, and an energetic 10 yr old son that is hers from a prior marriage (I hate the term step-son). This is my first marriage, and her third (her first husband hit her, and the second one cheated on her). I work full time, and she is currently a stay-at-home mom (though she plans to find a job and return to work next year).

I have become extremely unhappy in our marriage. I still love her, and want our marriage to succeed. The problem is she has become so distant to me. We haven't had sex in nine months, and the number of times we have had sex in the past three years I can count on my fingers, and nearly every one of those times felt dull and unexciting, like she was going through the motions but didn't really have any interest in it. In addition to the lack of sex, she makes no effort to give me any other affection at all - no kisses, no hugs. When I try to kiss her, she makes a point to make it as quick of a peck as possible. When I try to give her a hug, she turns her shoulder towards me to make it a one-armed hug (in other words, actively avoids anything resembling a romantic embrace). We never go to bed at the same time - usually, she stays up and watches TV until after I have gone to bed and fallen asleep. We no longer do anything together, either. I have tried to make an effort to fix that, and tried staying in the living room with her to watch whatever it is she is watching with her, but she stays in her recliner and plays on her laptop or her iPhone and ignores my presence while I sit alone on the couch watching something I have no interest in. I try to strike up conversation with her about anything - her day, my day, current events, etc - and she just tells me I don't have anything to talk about that interests her.

I have tried my best to be a good husband. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't let myself become one of those husbands that takes his wife for granted, so I have tried to remain affectionate and attentive. I still compliment her appearance. I still try to flirt with her. I make sure to regularly tell her "thank you" for the things she does around the house. When I get home, I help take care of the kids and help with whatever still needs to be done around the house. I don't get any positive feedback for any of that. I never get a "thank you". Recently, one evening while she was taking our son to one of his activities, I worked my butt off to get the chores done, kitchen cleaned, house picked-up, etc, before she returned, and didn't even get a "thank you". I finally said something to her about "would a thank you kill you?", and she replied "why do I need to tell you thank you for doing your job?" That actually really pissed me off. Still does that she evidently believes I don't even rate what I consider common courtesy.

I feel like I am the only one putting any effort into our relationship. I'm trying to find ways for us to reconnect, and I get shut down at every turn.

Then there is the guy-friend. She has become very close to one of her guy friends in the past few months. He recently got divorced, and they text or talk all the time. I had a reason recently to look at the phone bill, and discovered she was spending between 3 to 4 hours a day on the phone with him during the day (while I'm at work), and generally anytime she is away from me (such as when she goes to the grocery store, I discovered she talks to him from when she pulls out of the drive way to just before she pulls back up). He also frequently comes to our house to visit, and I watch the kids while they go sit in the driveway out front and drink and smoke nearly all night (generally to around 3-4 am). Worth noting, I have never smoked, and hardly ever drink, and she quit smoking when we got together. Generally, long after the kids are asleep and I go to bed, they are still out there together.

I have flat confronted her about this, and asked if there was something going on, and she adamantly denies anything, and says they are just good friends hanging out and having fun.

Then there are the occassional odd comments she makes. A few months ago she made a comment that she doesn't think she would even bother to try to catch me if I were to have an affair. That left me going "wtf?"

To me, I look at all the evidence, and seem to come to the conclusion she no longer loves me or desires to be with me, but doesn't want to leave me because of the kids as well as probably embarressment (she seems sensitive to the fact that this is her third marriage, and her family really likes me).

But then I get mixed signals. I have tried talking to her about all of this, and she simply insists that she is still very happy with our marriage, and that everything is fine, and that I am simply being stupid (her word). I also know that she is very self-conscious of her appearance and weight. She's not a big girl at all, but she did gain a lot of weight when she was pregnant with our daughter, and laments nearly daily that she still hasn't been able to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight, and says how fat she feels and how much she dislikes her body, so maybe her resistance to intimacy is because she doesn't feel sexy. As for the guy-friend, his wife got the house, but he still has to pay the mortgage, which means he can't afford to get himself a place, so he is living in a trailer in front of his family business (and his family business is evidently also really struggling to stay afloat right now), so it is possible she just feels bad for him and is just trying to help a friend through a tough time.

So there is also possible rational explanations for her behavior, and if that is true, then I would be a real ******* for making a big deal out of any of it. So I'm left feeling neglected, sexually frustrated, unloved, and lonely, but afraid to really push the issue because if she is telling the truth, then I would just end up being the *******. Unfortunately, she refuses to discuss any of it. At all. I have tried more than once to express to her, very calmly and in a non-confrontational means, how I feel (i.e. I intentionally avoid trying to assign blame or using hostile words), and I get no where. She just sticks to "everything is fine, you are just being stupid, I'm not discussing it", and that is the end of the conversation. So I have no idea what is really going on and when or if it will get better, because she won't tell me.

I'm beginning to become perpetually depressed over it, and my feelings are slowly turning to resentment that I get no attention or affection from my wife, and she refuses to talk about it or acknowledge that there is a problem. I feel like if I continue down this path, I will reach a point of such anger and resentment that I no longer care to try and fix our marriage, but I don't know what to do about it since she absolutely refuses to talk to me. I actually tried to tell her recently that I was getting depressed over the lack of intimacy in our relationship, and she actually replied by telling me that my feelings were just stupid then, that guys shouldn't need regular intimacy to be happy, so just get over it, and walked away, end of discussion. And that just made me feel like she trivialized my feelings, and she doesn't care about my happiness or how I feel at all.

I don't know what to do. I don't understand what is going on. Am I just being too sensitive and needy? My wife certainly believes that is the case. Is there something else wrong that she doesn't want to tell me, such as is she having some physical or emotional problem that is making her this way that she is afraid to tell me about? Or is she simply straight up lying to me to hide that she is having an affair or no longer loves me? What do I do? She refused to discuss it or acknowledge any issues in our relationship, she refuses to go to counseling, but I don't want to leave her, either. I still love her, and our kids are my pride and joy, and I don't know that I could handle not coming home to them every day. Honestly, I am at the point where I feel the only solution is to just stop trying since it isn't doing any good, and go out and get some sex and attention elsewhere.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I hate to either jump to conclusions or be harsh - but - Really? You don't see what's going on here???? She's having an affair with this other man (OM) - at least an emotional affair - who knows if it's gone physical or not but it easily could have. Based on the end of your post first you've got two decisions to make, first do you want to save the marriage, second do you still want to save the marriage if I'm right. If the answer to either is no it's time to start working on divorce. 

If you want to save the marriage or just won't leave, let me tell as someone who had an affair - do not cheat!! It is in no way worth it. It will tear a hole in your soul that you cannot imagine.

Go over the infidelity forum. There's lots of advice there about how to proceed determining if your wife is having an affair, and lots of stories about why you don't want to have one yourself. 

You've got some work to do.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you find out how friendly they really are 1st.

I would install a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, outside, and by the lazyboy.

Install a keylogger on the laptop.

I also would go as far as installing a camera were the both of them hang out by the drive way.

So please investigate this friendship further, stop asking her she will lie, so quitely investigate this with letting on. Let her back into her comfort zone and see and hear whta happens.

Once you get the evidence of cheating then you can address this and make her face the reality of it all.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I went back and read your post again. I'm even more convinced she's having an affair with the OM. She is gas lighting you something horrible. Trying to convince you that you're crazy for the way you feel or what your instincts are telling you. It's text book for cheating spouses. Then she's also projecting her own behavior on to you with the comments about she wouldn't try to catch you if you had an affair - again classic behavior. If she won't talk to you you're going to have to do some detective work to gather evidence. A key logger on the computer, voice activated recorder in her car - lots of things you can do. But, I'm not really sure those will accomplish much since you're ok with her hanging in your driveway till near dawn drinking with him. There's no way you can know what they're up to out there unless you video them or something. Although a VAR in her car might reveal if they were getting cozy in the back seat in the wee hours. 

You need to put your foot down and tell her that sh!t has got to stop - it's totally inappropriate behavior and she is completely disrespecting you, your family and the house you provide. Man up and tell her the OM has got to go or she can pack. The phone calls, the hanging out - all giant red flags for an affair - and all way out of bounds.

I know this all sounds harsh, but this situation is out of control. Get your butt to the infidelity room and start asking for some help over there ASAP. 

Be prepared, if you want to fight for your marriage this is likely going to be very messy.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Not trying to be the devil's advocate but her 3rd marriage. Are you sure the other 2 marriages failing was due to her doing the same thing to them?

Not saying that your wife is lying but something to look at IMO. 

As to the friend, if my wife was up till 3 or 4AM with some guy in our driveway or porch drinking/smoking I would probably take a shotgun outside and start cleaning it right in front of the OM to make him get the point.

And talking to him while your not around, huge red flag as others have noted. You need to head this off and soon or it's time for her to find victim #4.


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Dude, at the very least she is not engaging you in the relationship. So that alone is a major problem worth giving her an ultimatum over. 

Then of course there are the red flags over her very inappropriate relationship with her male buddy.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Listen to these posters they are seeing clear red flags

You asked and she lied

Now you can gather evidence with hidden VARs and keyloggers because that is all she has left for you to next. 

From the sons of it she spends more hours each and every day with him than you or the kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arrrgman (Mar 10, 2011)

Thanks all for the feedback. I definitely want to save my marriage, the problem is I can't do it alone, somehow I have to convince her that the current situation isn't acceptable. To make thinks worse, he was over again last night, and when I made a point to go hang out with them outside, suddenly they had a reason they needed to run to the gas station together while I stayed home with the kids, and she went even after I expressed I wasn't comfortable with it.*

Unfortunately, discreetly spying is gonna be difficult. She does most of her chatting on her phone, and she never ever leaves it unattended. She also is a bookkeeper by trade, and manages our finances, and I can't spend anything without having to account for it, and I'm not permitted to carry cash. *:-( *She really has me over a barrel, so to speak. *I'm gonna have to think outside the box on this.*

I have one more question. Our anniversary is in two weeks, and we have plans for my parents to watch the kids so we can go out. I'm debating on whether to wait and see how that goes, and how she behaves toward me. However, I'm concerned that with this elephant in the room, I may have trouble enjoying the time or putting any genuine effort into it.*

So do I attempt to confront her before our anniversary, or wait and see how it goes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

My H is doing to me, exactly what your wife is doing to you. It is called an emotional affair. She is spending time with this other man for emotional support instead of seeking it from you. You and your wife should be spending approximately 8 hours of alone time together each week (if not more than that). The average person having an affair spends 15+ hours a week with their mistress - surely you and your wife could find the time, if she stopped talking so much to this man.

My husband at first blew me off just like your wife is doing to you. It actually struck me reading your post - our positions are a LOT alike. My H will spend 6+ hours on the phone with his woman friend, then come to bed. If I want to talk, he is too tired.

I continuously told him how uncomfortable it's made me. I recommend you do the same. Hopefully your wife comes forward. I would lay the issues out to her and tell her that you are currently not happy - but that you want to be, and you have a desire to work on your marriage. If she doesn't consent to help, go to counseling yourself. Get advice from a professional.

As for me, our relationship has become a separation, and my H is currently not speaking much to me. However, we are going to start counseling next week... Know you are not alone. You need to address your wife's EA before it turns into a physical affair. Her spending so much time with him and going against what makes you feel comfortable is extremely inconsiderate and unhealthy for your marriage. If she cares about you, knowing you are unhappy will make her change her habits or seek the help she needs to do so.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

OMG You don't have a marriage . Are you afraid of them. Run his a$$ off .Stand up for yourself. Take her phone and look at it. The reason she's cheating on you is you are behaving like a pu$$y. Start acting like a man or kiss your wife good bye. Move this thread to Infidelity section for real advise you need.


----------



## jessicx (Sep 5, 2011)

Ok... I agree with most that this is an emotional affair. These types of affairs can be more damaging than physical ones, but because you are still invested emotionally in her, I believe spying on her is the wrong course of action. When she finds out, it will lead to resentment and she will stop at nothing to make you feel like the biggest bum on the face of the Earth. This could be more damaging to your self esteem than the affair itself. At this point, based on your replies, I can assume you know full well that this is an emotional affair. Will finding out if it's physical help you at all? If not, plan your next course of action accordingly. You are NOT a Pu*#y. She may be seeking this outside relationship because of her own lack of self esteem. If you feel you have done everything in your power to boost her self esteem, then I think it's a fair bet she needs counseling. I know you said she won't go, but it might be helpful to suggest self help books. This man is giving her the emotional support she does not feel she can get from you. Find out what it is and see if you can work toward filling in those gaps. I wish I could do more to help, but hang in there. Find strength.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

arrrgman said:


> My wife and I are both in our mid-30s, and will have been married four years this month. We have a beautiful three year old daughter, and an energetic 10 yr old son that is hers from a prior marriage (I hate the term step-son). This is my first marriage, and her third (her first husband hit her, and the second one cheated on her). I work full time, and she is currently a stay-at-home mom (though she plans to find a job and return to work next year).
> 
> I have become extremely unhappy in our marriage. I still love her, and want our marriage to succeed. The problem is she has become so distant to me. We haven't had sex in nine months, and the number of times we have had sex in the past three years I can count on my fingers, and nearly every one of those times felt dull and unexciting, like she was going through the motions but didn't really have any interest in it. In addition to the lack of sex, she makes no effort to give me any other affection at all - no kisses, no hugs. When I try to kiss her, she makes a point to make it as quick of a peck as possible. When I try to give her a hug, she turns her shoulder towards me to make it a one-armed hug (in other words, actively avoids anything resembling a romantic embrace). We never go to bed at the same time - usually, she stays up and watches TV until after I have gone to bed and fallen asleep. We no longer do anything together, either. I have tried to make an effort to fix that, and tried staying in the living room with her to watch whatever it is she is watching with her, but she stays in her recliner and plays on her laptop or her iPhone and ignores my presence while I sit alone on the couch watching something I have no interest in. I try to strike up conversation with her about anything - her day, my day, current events, etc - and she just tells me I don't have anything to talk about that interests her.
> 
> ...


This is n affair. What you already know for sure is unfaithful in itself. It is disrespectful. She is already on marriage three and is involved with another man.

She must go NC with this guy immediately.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Not trying to be the devil's advocate but her 3rd marriage. Are you sure the other 2 marriages failing was due to her doing the same thing to them?
> 
> Not saying that your wife is lying but something to look at IMO.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

arrrgman said:


> Thanks all for the feedback. I definitely want to save my marriage, the problem is I can't do it alone, somehow I have to convince her that the current situation isn't acceptable. To make thinks worse, he was over again last night, and when I made a point to go hang out with them outside, suddenly they had a reason they needed to run to the gas station together while I stayed home with the kids, and she went even after I expressed I wasn't comfortable with it.*
> 
> Unfortunately, discreetly spying is gonna be difficult. She does most of her chatting on her phone, and she never ever leaves it unattended. She also is a bookkeeper by trade, and manages our finances, and I can't spend anything without having to account for it, and I'm not permitted to carry cash. *:-( *She really has me over a barrel, so to speak. *I'm gonna have to think outside the box on this.*
> 
> ...


You let your wife leave with another man!? Are you serious? UFB. 

You should have confronted him and tell him he needs to stop sniffing around your wife. That he is through and he will get hurt if he comes around. 

You were not comforatble with it? So they laughed at you and left? OMG. 

There is nothing more for you to research here. This man owns your wife now. She has chosen him over you. They likely had a sexual encounter after they left you there. 

Sorry, but your behavior is absurd and you are being the cuckold.

I am betting she will be going out with him on your anniversary or that since she is a SAHM he comes by often to see her when you are not around.

This sounds cruel but you need to get checked for STDs. Again there is nothing for you to snoop about. They are right in your face. This is just sad. You watch the kids while she dates and has intimacy with the OM.

You mention this is the only woman you have ever had sex with. But now you are not having sex. Her not having sex with you and hanging out with this guys means she is meeting her sexual needs with him and disrespecting you. She feels she and the other man can just dominate you.


----------



## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Please, I mean please don't take this with negativity...

You are being a beta, she looking to him as an alpha... Now excuse my approach but she has your b***s in her purse and his in her... Well I hope you get the point... 
What are you afraid of? You are losing her already, you're being a good husband to a not even a wife....
Take back your throne, what do you mean she controls the finances... Take it back. Now you control it... Are you afraid she'll get upset? So! She don't care you're upset... 

If you don't want her, walk away... If that's not an option, take her back... Show that man you that she is your wife, let him know you have no problem fighting for yours... She's a stay at home mom, well then you let her know you take care of all this, you do your job so life can be comfortable for her, but she's not doing hers....

No cell phone for her, a land line would do fine, no car keys if she need something you will drive with her to get it, no credit/debit cards you'll pay... Stop being her doormat.

Yes, install a logger and spy as you must... Who cares about her esteem, she's getting a fine boost from him... Worry about yours... Upset her, if she's uncomfortable it's only cause she's doing wrong... Assume the worst, she's toting with you and you let her....

Prove to her she married a man... If she's hurt, tell her what she is doing to you don't tickle either... If you sit she will leave you anyway, if you push, she may just run... I would rather know she left cause I didn't take it, than to sit crying because I had no heart... 

Take... Your... Life... Back.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First go to the bank, take all money the out and put it in a new account. You have a paycheck and she doesn't. Now you can tell her what she can have. You buy what you need, first a Voice activated recorder at Walmart.

Second, ask her if she remembers how it felt to be cheated on. Tell her that is what she is doing to you and it ends today.

Third, no sex = no marriage. No wonder this is her third divorce coming up.

Fourth, even friends hug, she's not even your friend at this point.

Fifth, the next time she calls you stupid, tell her your smart enough to change the locks on the doors the next time her friend comes over and you know how to put her clothes in a garbage bag and throw them in the lawn.


Take your life back. If you have to, kick her out, keep your daughter and tell her she better start looking for husband number four. This is the only way to have a chance at saving your marriage. This way you may also be able to force her into marriage counseling. She simply has lost all respect for you and is just using you for a meal ticket.

Never leave her alone with the other man again. If he's around take the three year old to her and stay with them. If they try to leave block the car. If they walk go with them. This sh!t has to stop now or you can kiss your wife and daughter goodbye.



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/ Go here now


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

If you want to blow up the affair, have a sit down with OM and tell him when the affair excitment wears off he can settle down for a lifetime of lousy sex once a year!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"
Then there is the guy-friend. She has become very close to one of her guy friends in the past few months. He recently got divorced, and they text or talk all the time. I had a reason recently to look at the phone bill, and discovered she was spending between 3 to 4 hours a day on the phone with him during the day (while I'm at work), and generally anytime she is away from me (such as when she goes to the grocery store, I discovered she talks to him from when she pulls out of the drive way to just before she pulls back up). He also frequently comes to our house to visit, and I watch the kids while they go sit in the driveway out front and drink and smoke nearly all night (generally to around 3-4 am). Worth noting, I have never smoked, and hardly ever drink, and she quit smoking when we got together. Generally, long after the kids are asleep and I go to bed, they are still out there together."


You need to contact his ex wife and see why they got divorced. Your wife was awfully convenient when he suddenly became available. Ask her if she thinks he could have been having an affair and if so how long it could have been going on. 

Also sounds like he has a job that he could be visiting your wife during the day. Sure hope it isn't a physical affair yet but this looks really bad. 

Prayers for your family.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This whole situation is just bass ackwards. It needs a hand grenade thrown into it to rearrange things.

Arrrgman - you have to grab the wheel and take control. How does your wife control the finances when you get the pay check? BECAUSE YOU LET HER. Why does she leave in the middle of the night with another man with you standing there. BECAUSE YOU TOLERATE IT. Even what you've posted here as fact is way beyond what you should tolerate. You need to steel yourself to the fact that this is not appropriate, it is not a marriage, and that it cannot continue. You need to commit to yourself that you will change the situation - you and you alone. You can't make your wife stop seeing the OM, but you can tell her to GTFO if she doesn't. You need to decide what you require of her to continue in the marriage and what the consequences are if she doesn't do them. You need to lay these out and explain them to her in a calm rational manner and then see what happens. If she doesn't do what you need, then you must abide by the consequences you have laid out. 

Based on a hunch, I'm betting your wife can out drama you. You have to keep this calm and rational. When she goes batsh!t just stay calm and cool - no matter what. This is control. You take away her ability to control your emotions and thereby control you. 

Good Luck man - stand up and fight for yourself if not your marriage.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

arrrgman said:


> Thanks all for the feedback. I definitely want to save my marriage, the problem is I can't do it alone, somehow *I have to convince* her that the current situation isn't acceptable. To make thinks worse, he was over again last night, and when *I made a point to go hang out with them* outside, suddenly they had a reason they needed to run to the gas station together while I stayed home with the kids, and *she went even after I expressed I wasn't comfortable with it.**
> 
> Unfortunately, discreetly spying is gonna be difficult. She does most of her chatting on her phone, and she never ever leaves it unattended. She also is a bookkeeper by trade, and manages our finances, and I can't spend anything without having to account for it, and I'm not permitted to carry cash. *:-( *She really has me over a barrel, so to speak. **I'm gonna have to think outside the box on this.**
> 
> ...


I'm really sorry for responding to you in installments but I find myself going over your post repeatedly and finding more to say. Look at what I put in bold above. You have to convince her. You went to hang out with them. You have to think outside the box. You're going to wait and see (twice). You are reactionary and on the defensive. You need to be proactive and on the offensive. YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE ARE UNDER ATTACK. Not to be trite in an analogy, but has anyone ever won a battle by waiting to see?? It's not your job to convince her - you can't. It's your job to lay down consequences and then enforce them. Regarding your going to hang out with them - well I have to say that one just leaves me damn near speechless. I just can't even fathom standing in my driveway "hanging" with my wife and her lover while I stood there with a stupid smile on my face "waiting to see."

Get moving - get on the offensive!!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You got ditched by your wife!

Remember highs school? It'd what girls pull when they don't want you 

There is no doubt this is an affair. She chose another guy over you and they ditched you as the third wheel

The is also no way thus isn't a PA 

So now youve done the passive thing of going out with them and you see the results. 

Now is the time to go alpha and shut her down. 

Tell her that this ends immediately and you get full transparency or you will divorce her. 

Do not negotiate do not compromise. This guy got divorced and now he is taking you wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Change where you deposit your pay and man up to her. 

What you are gonna get from waiting is her cotinuing the status quo because she has no reason to change. She has her OM and your taking care of the kids so she can be with him. 

Sir you are a cuckold
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arrrgman (Mar 10, 2011)

More background: the OM's ex-wife and my wife have been best friends since high school. They are no longer speaking. I contacted her to find out why, and evidently the two of them (OM and his ex) already had serious relationship issues, but the straw that broke their marriage's back was the same behavior. My wife would go visit her, and then would spend more time with her husband than with her.

Guess it's showdown time. If she continues to insist she has done nothing wrong, and they are simply good friends, I may actually point her to this thread to show I'm not alone in finding her behavior wildly inappropriate.

Edit:
And yes, she can definitely out-drama me. I'm a very low-key, calm, controlled person, and a traditional nice guy (which has gotten me nowhere, it seems), where-as she has an infamously explosive temper, which has made most serious discussions in our relationship very challenging since they usually involve me calming attempting to have a rational discussion, and her being too busy loosing her temper to pay attention to anything I have to say. That being the case, I may attempt to confront her via e-mail so she doesn't have the option of tuning me out or yelling at me, and I can take my time to arrange my words so I am firm, clear, but not hostile.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not via email

Common she has already ended a live long friendship and a another marriage for this guy. Do you think an email is going to do it?


Go see a lawyer today. I'm sorry but this is a huge problem facing you and it is going to get ugly. 

She is going to fight like heck and even if you get her to agree to stop it She WILL take it underground. 


You really need to man up and take control here this is beyond in appropriate at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

arrrgman said:


> More background: the OM's ex-wife and my wife have been best friends since high school. They are no longer speaking. I contacted her to find out why, and evidently the two of them (OM and his ex) already had serious relationship issues, but the straw that broke their marriage's back was the same behavior. My wife would go visit her, and then would spend more time with her husband than with her.
> 
> Guess it's showdown time. If she continues to insist she has done nothing wrong, and they are simply good friends, I may actually point her to this thread to show I'm not alone in finding her behavior wildly inappropriate.
> 
> ...


1 Do NOT show her this site. She will use any advice she sees to manipulate you

2 Read the Manning Up reference. You need to put that in practice.

3 Follow the 180 (look it up on this site ). It will mentally prepare you for worst case.

4 Keylogger and VAR to verify what is going on

5 Open different bank account and transfer your savings

6 Mentally prepare yourself to kick her out. She has temper? Get your interaction on video. You don't want to be the one carted away if police are called

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

arrrgman said:


> More background: the OM's ex-wife and my wife have been best friends since high school. They are no longer speaking. I contacted her to find out why, and evidently the two of them (OM and his ex) already had serious relationship issues, but the straw that broke their marriage's back was the same behavior. My wife would go visit her, and then would spend more time with her husband than with her.
> 
> Guess it's showdown time. If she continues to insist she has done nothing wrong, and they are simply good friends, I may actually point her to this thread to show I'm not alone in finding her behavior wildly inappropriate.
> 
> ...


It is not about reasoning with her. She knows what she is doing. You need no additional proof. You do not need to be passive and play little guy / bug guy by pointing to the forum. You are the big guy. You do not need validation. YOU are telling her this is unacceptable. THere ids no compromise. You do not reason with her or ask her. She already broke up the other marriage. She is having a PA with this OM. There is also no give her time. It is immediate and full NC. She will fight you.

Cut her money off today.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Do not via email
> 
> Common she has already ended a live long friendship and a another marriage for this guy. Do you think an email is going to do it?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yes, you need a lawyer ASAP.


----------



## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

chapparal said:


> First go to the bank, take all money the out and put it in a new account. You have a paycheck and she doesn't. Now you can tell her what she can have. You buy what you need, first a Voice activated recorder at Walmart.
> 
> Second, ask her if she remembers how it felt to be cheated on. Tell her that is what she is doing to you and it ends today.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Move the money right now and either kick her out, or leave yourself. Do it on your terms or get screwed over. Of course its an affair.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"Guess it's showdown time. If she continues to insist she has done nothing wrong, and they are simply good friends, "

Be sure to point out you know why her and her best friend are no longer speaking-- because she broke up their marriage!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm no lawyer but I would caution you at taking all the money out. From what I have always heard, you are entitled to take half out, not all. Also, if you take all out of a checking account you risk checks bouncing and bill pay/EFTS bouncing. Depending on where you live, that could be check fraud. 
This isn't a case of "your money". It's both your money and taking it all and not covering your expenses could be seen by the courts in unfavorable light.


----------



## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

No matter what else is going on, you need to end her calling the money shots. She controls all the money, tells you what you can spend. Do you know what she's doing with the money? You need to go get bank records and see where it is, if it's been transferred to other accounts, see what automatic payments are coming out of it, then call all of those up and set them to start coming out of your new account that you're going to set up and start depositing your check into immediately.

No wonder she's so casual about this, she is holding all the money cards.

And do pay a visit to the Men's Clubhouse section. I'm a chick and love help as much as the next one, but if I were a SAHM, my husband supported me, then came home and did my chores too and I didn't feel like I had to thank him? I woudn't want to sleep with him either. That's just not sexuallly attractive. yeah, be helpful and kind if you both appreciate each other, but if the other person isn't appreciating it, then dunzo, just do a GFYourself and never lift another finger for them.

And what everyone else said - this guy friend is at a minimum an EA and most likely a PA. no woman spends that much time on the phone or talking with a guy unless they are emotionally involved.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"I have flat confronted her about this, and asked if there was something going on, and she adamantly denies anything, and says they are just good friends hanging out and having fun."

Cheaters ALWAYS say the other person is just a friend. They won't admit an adultery until solid proof is shown them.

Now I'm wondering if her second husband was the cheater or if it was her. Can you talk to him?

By the way getting angry and yelling at the loyal spouse is common for cheating spouses.

Has she ever said I love you but I'm not in love with you? Or its not you its me? Why does she say she won't make love to you.

"More background: the OM's ex-wife and my wife have been best friends since high school. They are no longer speaking. I contacted her to find out why, and evidently the two of them (OM and his ex) already had serious relationship issues, but the straw that broke their marriage's back was the same behavior. My wife would go visit her, and then would spend more time with her husband than with her."

When did other man and his wife start having trouble in the first place? Your trouble seems to have started between two and three years ago.

You do not have to live like this.

Go to this link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Deejo
Moderator

Deejo's Avatar

Join Date: May 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 3,126

Default The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference
"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"

All of the following links address an array of questions that pertain to men changing their behavior with a goal of improving how they are perceived by their partners and themselves.

If you are in a sex starved relationship, if you can't understand why your woman is pulling away despite the fact that you hold her up on a pedestal and do everything in your power to please her and make her happy, then odds are that you will either see yourself and your relationship in these threads, or you will find information that will be useful in attempting to recover it.

While recognizing that there are any number of ways that our relationships fail, these particular topics are geared towards recovering a sense of health and balance within ourselves and our failing marriages and relationships.

Feel free to recommend other appropriate threads and we can add them to the list.

None of the information here is intended to address significant emotional disorders, such as anxiety, depression, addiction or other mental illness. Please seek professional help if you suspect that any of these are a factor in your relationship.

Mens Clubhouhouse - Fitness Tests

Mens Clubhouse - I need to Man Up

Mens Clubhouse - Does Your Wife Ever Initiate Sex?

Mens Clubhouse - Wife Denies ... I Don't Buy is just one story detailing the arc of infidelity and the common emotions and behaviors associated.

Mens Clubhouse - Manly Ways to Work on Yourself

Mens Clubhouse - Modern Men

Sex in Marriage - Husbands who are not Dominate enough & Wives who are - how to reverse roles?

Sex in Marriage - Wife Doesn't Like Sex?

The Mens Clubhouse - What Advice to Tell My Sons About Marriage

Mens Clubhouse - Nice Guys and Other Types

Mens Clubhouse - Man Up Books

Ladies Lounge - Do Women Want a Dominant Man?

Ladies Lounge - Dominance

Mens Clubhouse - How About Them Apples?

General Relationship Discussion - Elle Magazine on Sexless Marriages

Married Man Sex Life A blog maintained by TAM contributor AtholK


Still don't know if you're a Nice Guy, but your wife left you, or your date hasn't returned your calls and your home reading the forum?
So how do we know that the stigma of being a nice guy is real or has any validity whatsoever? Easy. It's on Wikipedia so it must be true ...

Wikipedia - Nice Guy

Why Nice Guys Finish Last - David D'Angelo of AskMen.com

Why Nice Guys Finish Last - April Massini Perspective from a woman

If and Why Nice Guys Finish Last

And I couldn't resist ...
Nice Guys Finish Last - Green Day
__________________
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. ~ Mumford & Sons, After The Storm
Last edited by Deejo; 02-25-2011 at 09:41 AM.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is an example of the man up option. quote is from Conrad

""Conrad
Member

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,339

Default Fitness Tests
There's a whole portion of the raging ongoing discussion that intrigues me. And, once I managed to attract the love of my life (it had been a long-term interest), the conflict began in earnest.

This was 4 plus years ago.

Just about everything was tried to "fix" things.

Logic

Emotional appeals - including pleading

Behavioral adjustments

More than a bit of anger

Yet, no matter what was tried, nothing "really worked". And, when I say nothing "worked", I'm talking about what could/would keep alive the spark in the relationship.

Periodically, I would hear about her dissatisfaction with our sex life. Of course, those who read and understand here know exactly what was going on. It was one long fitness test.

Endless compromises... endless deals. Endless negotiations.. endless dissatisfaction with results.

Most men dread "day 100" of any relationship, as this is when some say the "wheels start to come off". It's now easy to understand what was/is going on.

Perhaps subconsciously, the tests begin. Are you man enough to maintain my interest? Are you man enough to be a father to the children? Are you man enough to control yourself, hold a job, be faithful, and stand up to others.

If you are, then prove it by standing up to me!

If you want to be my warrior, then show me your grace under pressure.

And, if you fail to control yourself, prepare for further tests, as I bore into your psyche and see what your fiber truly is.

Becoming a "nice guy" in response to this pressure if the road to hell. Trying to be perfect. Trying not to annoy. Trying everything in your power... stretching yourself to stay out of trouble.

No one is perfect. You will be tempted to lie and conceal - even to badmouth your wife to others as the pressure rises, as the very essence of your manhood gets swept away.

And, in the process, your wife will lose interest in this doormat of a man she has in her house.

This board is littered with the stories of men who have failed these tests. I was definitely one of those.

What I can tell you - for a fact - is that it is never too late to start passing them. Miles of ground can be made up in a very short time. But, first, you simply must be right with yourself and be able to conquer your fear. Conquer your fear of losing. And, when I mean losing, I mean losing her.

By conquering your fear of losing her, you will win her.

And, if she still doesn't respond? What have you lost? ""


----------

