# My wife says she doesn’t know if she loves me anymore and wants to leave



## johndoe113 (Feb 8, 2018)

We’ve been married for going on 2 and a half years now. It all started not long after we were dating. My wife noticed some aspects of me that she was uncomfortable with but she pushed through thinking I would change or hoping she would adjust or whatever. I have a temper so I yell a lot and every once in a while if I got really really worked up I would get to throwing things. I never once laid a finger on her or ever will. I also stopped putting as much effort into the relationship after we got married. I didn’t plan out holidays and birthdays, I didn’t surprise her as much. She felt as if the relationship was one sided. In my defense it’s not like I never did anything, I did spoil her and love and do sweet things for her just not as much as she did for me. I was also very controlling, I tried to stop her from going places I didn’t want her to go and made her go places I wanted to and so on. Anytime she wanted to spend time with her side of the family I mostly shot it down but we always did everything with my side. There were several times that she had broken down emotionally and we talked about these issues. I would say I would change and I would for a little bit but then when things seemed to get better I would naturally revert back to the same ways. One night my wife out of the blue just up and left while I was at work. Later that evening she comes home in tears and expresses these issues once again and that she just doesn’t think she can do it anymore. She also tells me that she’s been cheating on me with a guy that she worked with (doesn’t work together anymore). I beg and plead for her to stay and she reluctantly agrees but she sleeps on the couch. About a week or so goes by and I convince her to move back into the bedroom with me (thinking I’ve made some progress). We have another big discussion about the same issues and she says she doesn’t want to try in our marriage. She says she tried for 2 years and got nothing back and she just can’t get over that. So we teach an agreement, she stays at home with me and doesn’t talk to this guy anymore and that’s all she has to do. I told her this gives me an opportunity to work on myself and to prove to you that these changes that I’m making are for real and they’re permanent. She agrees and we go on. 2-3 weeks go by and it feels like I’m beating my head against a brick wall. She shows me almost no affection and I put in 150%. I realize this is how she felt for so long so I don’t throw a fit, I express this to her and she acknowledges that is how she felt. Another week or so goes by and she starts opening back up, she smiles when we do some things, she seems happy when she’s with me, so on so on. Finally some progress I think! One night I ask her about it. I ask her if things are easier and if she’s happy. After 15 minutes of circles she finally tells me no. That it’s pretty much the same and she’s not really been happy. She said she only forced it because she was tired of me doing everything for her and me feeling bad because I didn’t get anything in return. While it was true I did feel sad when my affection wasn’t returned I never asked her to fake or force it. I told her to not do that anymore and only be real with me, even if that meant being how it was beforehand. She agreed and we went on again. Another week or so goes on and things seem to be improving yet again. Then I do something that I will regret doing for quite a long time. I go through her phone one morning while she is sleeping. I discover that she is still messaging the guy and has sent him some rather provocative pictures. I’m devastated at this point so I wake her up and confront her. She is upset that I went through her phone and rightfully so. I admit I had no right to do it and shouldn’t have done it. She can give me no answer as to why she continued to message this guy and she says she doesn’t know if she can or wants to stop. I’m already late for work at this point so I tell her I have to go, to think about this and we can talk about it that night. While I’m at work she packs most of her clothes and puts them in her car and then goes to work. After she gets off I call her and we have one more talk (mostly me sobbing uncontrollably). She says she is going to a friends house and is not coming back home. She says she has to put herself first and cannot keep doing this. She tells me she doesn’t know if she loves me or not. Right now we agreed to take a little over a week break. I don’t talk to her really unless it’s an emergency and she doesn’t come home. On Valentine’s Day we’ll talk about where we stand then and then I have a weekend valentines trip already planned and paid for that she has agreed to still go on. She agrees not to message the other guy during this time but I can’t trust her word anymore. I’m not convinced the break will work do to the fact that she could still be messaging him and will only grow closer to him and farther from me. Also because I feel like only wore her down to agree to the break. She originally was saying she was done and I couldn’t stop crying and freaking out so I feel like she just suggested the break to get me to calm down and to move on that night. I have suggested counseling and she agreed at first but while trying to find someone she revealed that she doesn’t want to go to counseling. In the last talk she says that she wants to put the past behind us and give me anywhere chance but she can’t make herself do that, she also said she doesn’t know if I can change permanently. I told her counseling can help with that and she says she does not want to do counseling so I’m confused by that. I’m going to get counseling by myself to give her an outward sign that I’m changing permanently. I’m really sad and anxious, I had a couple panic attacks when she’s said she was going to leave before. I fear if I find out she late leaving me for him I’ll have a full out one. I have admitted my fault in the relationship before and my fault in driving her to him (not saying what she did was ok). I have refrained from messaging the man that she’s been talking to because she doesn’t want that and it would only make matters worse. He knows she’s married so that tells me almost everything I need to know about him. There’s no convincing him to just back off. She’s never slept with him but she has kissed him. Since a little after the first time she told me about him he quit his job and moved a little bit away. She hasn’t seen him since that point but she has regularly messaged him. We’ve had a communication issue since about halfway through the marriage. Probably about the time the issues really started getting to her. I’ve talked to her several times about it but it never really improved. Since the first “breakdown” she barely communicates with me unless I’m in the same room with her. I’m about 3 days into the break that will last about 9 days. What can I do to help this? I don’t want to lose her and I’m willing to do anything to fix this and I’ve expressed that to her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JD,

Please break that up into paragraphs by sub-topic, it's an unreadable wall of text as it is. Perhaps use a timeline approach.

Tamat


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

johndoe113 said:


> We’ve been married for going on 2 and a half years now. It all started not long after we were dating. My wife noticed some aspects of me that she was uncomfortable with but she pushed through thinking I would change or hoping she would adjust or whatever. I have a temper so I yell a lot and every once in a while if I got really really worked up I would get to throwing things. I never once laid a finger on her or ever will. I also stopped putting as much effort into the relationship after we got married. I didn’t plan out holidays and birthdays, I didn’t surprise her as much. She felt as if the relationship was one sided. In my defense it’s not like I never did anything, I did spoil her and love and do sweet things for her just not as much as she did for me. I was also very controlling, I tried to stop her from going places I didn’t want her to go and made her go places I wanted to and so on. Anytime she wanted to spend time with her side of the family I mostly shot it down but we always did everything with my side. This is classic self-blaming by a betrayed spouse,
> just fyi There were several times that she had broken down emotionally and we talked about these issues. Was this before or after she started banging another dude? IF before, yeah, you majorly screwed up.
> Thing is, it can't be helped now. I would say I would change and I would for a little bit but then when things seemed to get better I would naturally revert back to the same ways. One night my wife out of the blue just up and left while I was at work. Later that evening she comes home in tears and expresses these issues once again and that she just doesn’t think she can do it anymore. It wasn't out of the blue, it was right about the time she started banging the other man *She also tells me that she’s been cheating on me with a guy that she worked with *(doesn’t work together anymore). I beg and plead for her to stay and she reluctantly agrees but she sleeps on the couch. About a week or so goes by and I convince her to move back into the bedroom with me (thinking I’ve made some progress). We have another big discussion about the same issues and she says she doesn’t want to try in our marriage. She says she tried for 2 years and got nothing back and she just can’t get over that. So we teach an agreement, she stays at home with me and doesn’t talk to this guy anymore and that’s all she has to do. I told her this gives me an opportunity to work on myself and to prove to you that these changes that I’m making are for real and they’re permanent. She agrees and we go on. 2-3 weeks go by and it feels like I’m beating my head against a brick wall. She shows me almost no affection and I put in 150%. I realize this is how she felt for so long so I don’t throw a fit, I express this to her and she acknowledges that is how she felt. Another week or so goes by and she starts opening back up, she smiles when we do some things, she seems happy when she’s with me, so on so on. Finally some progress I think! One night I ask her about it. I ask her if things are easier and if she’s happy. After 15 minutes of circles she finally tells me no. That it’s pretty much the same and she’s not really been happy. She said she only forced it because she was tired of me doing everything for her and me feeling bad because I didn’t get anything in return. While it was true I did feel sad when my affection wasn’t returned I never asked her to fake or force it. I told her to not do that anymore and only be real with me, even if that meant being how it was beforehand. She agreed and we went on again. Another week or so goes on and things seem to be improving yet again. Then I do something that I will regret doing for quite a long time. I go through her phone one morning while she is sleeping. I discover that she is still messaging the guy and has sent him some rather provocative pictures. I’m devastated at this point so I wake her up and confront her. She is upset that I went through her phone and rightfully so. I admit I had no right to do it and shouldn’t have done it. She can give me no answer as to why she continued to message this guy and she says she doesn’t know if she can or wants to stop. I’m already late for work at this point so I tell her I have to go, to think about this and we can talk about it that night. While I’m at work she packs most of her clothes and puts them in her car and then goes to work. After she gets off I call her and we have one more talk (mostly me sobbing uncontrollably). She says she is going to a friends house and is not coming back home. She says she has to put herself first and cannot keep doing this. She tells me she doesn’t know if she loves me or not. Right now we agreed to take a little over a week break. I don’t talk to her really unless it’s an emergency and she doesn’t come home. On Valentine’s Day we’ll talk about where we stand then and then I have a weekend valentines trip already planned and paid for that she has agreed to still go on. She agrees not to message the other guy during this time but I can’t trust her word anymore. I’m not convinced the break will work do to the fact that she could still be messaging him and will only grow closer to him and farther from me. Also because I feel like only wore her down to agree to the break. She originally was saying she was done and I couldn’t stop crying and freaking out so I feel like she just suggested the break to get me to calm down and to move on that night. I have suggested counseling and she agreed at first but while trying to find someone she revealed that she doesn’t want to go to counseling. In the last talk she says that she wants to put the past behind us and give me anywhere chance but she can’t make herself do that, she also said she doesn’t know if I can change permanently. I told her counseling can help with that and she says she does not want to do counseling so I’m confused by that. I’m going to get counseling by myself to give her an outward sign that I’m changing permanently. I’m really sad and anxious, I had a couple panic attacks when she’s said she was going to leave before. I fear if I find out she late leaving me for him I’ll have a full out one. I have admitted my fault in the relationship before and my fault in driving her to him (not saying what she did was ok). I have refrained from messaging the man that she’s been talking to because she doesn’t want that and it would only make matters worse. You gotta realize how pitiful you have to look to her... Lol, really dude? so that tells me almost everything I need to know about him. There’s no convincing him to just back off. She’s never slept with him but she has kissed him. Please, tell me you don't really believe that? Since a little after the first time she told me about him he quit his job and moved a little bit away. She hasn’t seen him since that point but she has regularly messaged him. We’ve had a communication issue since about halfway through the marriage. Probably about the time the issues really started getting to her. I’ve talked to her several times about it but it never really improved. Since the first “breakdown” she barely communicates with me unless I’m in the same room with her. I’m about 3 days into the break that will last about 9 days. What can I do to help this? I don’t want to lose her and I’m willing to do anything to fix this and I’ve expressed that to her.


This is easy. Really easy to give advice on. You go file for divorce. You ask your lawyer if you could hurt your case by informing the OM's wife. If not, tell OM's wife. You go 180. You stop ALL CONTACT. You grieve your loss. YOU MOVE ON. 

You won't take my advice. You'll wallow in self pity. You'll plead and cry and go over all your faults in the marriage and wonder if you'll ever love another woman. You'll become insecure and wrongly think you'll never find another good woman.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO, sir! NOTHING. 

BUT, even though you won't listen at this point, I'll tell you an absolute truth. You CAN find another woman (there are millions) and you CAN fall in love again. Your life is NOT OVER. That is, unless you lay down and pine forever over your cheating wife who majorly ****ed you over.

WOrk on yourself, get exercise, and remember your wrongs, but forget your wife. She's gone. She's never coming back. That's a gift, you just don't see it yet. Really.

I've been there.

Worst possible thing you can do: BEG AND PLEAD. 
NExt worst possible thing you can do: Believe anything she says, other than she's done with you.
next worst: Wallow in self pity
and then there's: Don't tell the other man's wife, don't file for divorce.

You are going to sit in limbo, while your wife bangs another man. Aren't you?
Please know that thousands of other men have been through this, made it through it, and came out ahead by having a better life than before. You can get through this, if you just stop sitting still and take action. Go see a lawyer. You MUST do this. Really. You MUST.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Your W is in an affair plain and simple, until the affair is killed off your marriage has no chance.

Save all the communications you can between them, don't reveal what you are doing to anyone, go into spy mode.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> Your W is in an affair plain and simple, until the affair is killed off your marriage has no chance.
> 
> Save all the communications you can between them, don't reveal what you are doing to anyone, go into spy mode.


at 2.5 years just bail


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What can you really do? 

You were in the honeymoon stage still and took her for granted. This time is important for binding that never happened because of you. You proved that she didn’t mean the world to you. 

Give her the space then when you to talk, ask if the two of you can start dating again. 

Also start IC. Try to figure out why you treated her the way you did. 

Last thing, even with how bad the marriage was, her cheating is all on her. She should have forced a talk with you before she cheated. 

Are you sure you want to stay with someone that can cheat on you. At the same time saying she doesn’t love you anymore. 

Make it easy, give her the divorce papers and go on the trip without her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Living with an angry, violent, controlling man is a nightmare. She made a massive mistake by marrying you thinking that after the wedding you would suddenly and as if my magic completely change. 

Yes she has cheated, and that's very wrong, but you drove her away way before that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for divorce. This one is a no-brainer.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Quick advice;

1) Don't express the desire to reconcile even if you want to. She has to earn her way back into your good graces. She cheated so you have to evaluate her actions to determine if she's worthy of consideration to reconcile. You have to reevaluate her, as she's different than the woman you married, so you have to evaluate this new chick to see if she's wiling or capable to being the one you married. If you chase, she'll run. If you no contact her and 180, she'll begin rethinking her position. You can take 50% of the marital issues, but 0% of her decision to step outside the marriage. She has to own that and all discussions should be on that, not on you. It's her deal. 

2) I find the WS are the ones who are pointing to the BS shortcomings. Turn it around, as you too are not getting your needs met, and express that. If she can't, so be it. Move on

3) She has some making up TO YOU. 

4) Take control. Don't threaten to divorce Have her ass served. You can always back out. This allows you to control matters. She's already taken you for a ride, you need to get off the infidelity roller coaster by filing. You will see very quickly what could have taken months or years for her to figure out on her time. 

5) TAKE CONTROL. Don't f around. You will feel better about yourself and will force her to be decisive. Don't play the pick me game. Even if you are the winner, you'll be pissed at being forced to play it. Married husbands often forget that pick me shxx was over once you got married. That's why they have weddings. over. You picked her and she picked you. Rings were exchanged. Game over. Filing is uncomfortable, but you didn't ask for this. You have a life to live and she's either going to be with you or not. Not you with her, but her with you as she's the one that strayed. Don't *****foot around here.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Crying, begging and pleading will make you look weak and unnattractive while her other man looks better.

Doing the infamous "pick me dance" works the same way.

Cheating after two years file and save yourself from this nightmare.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You feel bad for going through her phone? 

She's a damn cheater. Quit acting like a weak puppy dog. 

There is no privacy to cheat in a marriage.

Cmon man!!


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

You have to learn to be independent and you so consumed with the fear of her leaving you. Results....kinda knee jerk reaction you gut and mind tells you to cling on so you make rash decisions that pushes her away.
Advice:
1. Be content be happy no matter what the outcome.
2. Control what you can control.
3. Agree with the break up or just be nuetral. 
4. Minimize contact.
5. Wait it out. 


5.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

After reading all of that, I want to leave you. 

The main thing you need to do here is get a life of your own that is healthy and fulfilling and with purpose - *WITHOUT HER.*

Become your own man that has purpose and passion and live a life of productivity, courage, adventure, hobbies, friends, fun etc etc. 

Once you achieve that on your own without her and without "needing" a spouse to have a good life, then one day you'll wake up and realize that you actually have a lot of women that want to be with you. 

Yeah that is somewhat ironic and contradictory but the better life you live and the less you need a woman to make you whole, the more options you are going to have. 

Now that is the general concept and the general goal. The problem is you are very needy, very fearful, and you have put your whole sense of self-worth and your whole sense of being into her........ not healthy. Not healthy at all. 

You're probably going to need some serious therapy for awhile to address your self esteem and self worth issues and your neediness. 

In the mean time let her go. Save yourself. 

She is already gone anyway and trying to keep her around is just going to drown you in toxin. 

Let her go and start working on yourself and focusing on yourself in making yourself into a self-determined and self fulfilling man and individual.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What, you think because you have strong emotions, and let loose sometimes you are not worthy?

You are worthy. Cut back on stimulants like coffee, and catalysts like alcohol that weaken your restraints. Do this and you will be fine. Do exhausting aerobics, like running or cycling to burn off this excess energy.

She cheated on you because she picked the wrong man....for her. Keep in mind, there is no 'right man' for her. She is a cheater.
Always will be.

As soon as things become difficult in a relationship she looks to another man. Sends provocative pictures of her privates? What does that have to do with having relationship problems?
She is not trying to get a sympathetic ear to ease her way in life, she is trying to ease that little itch that is between her ears and legs.
She should go to you with relationship problems, or at least to her parents or siblings for advice and help. Not to another stranger and dik swinger. 

You are a loud person, but not a disloyal man. 
You too, picked the wrong woman. 
She pushes your buttons and you unload. 

Get a divorce, find peace, find an outlet for your excess mental energy, find a peaceful and kind woman.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JohnDoe how are you doing ? How did this all pan out ? By the fact that you never posted again I must assume that you did not follow the advice given and she is basically gone to the other guy? Sorry if that is the case but you can come back here and get good healing advice.


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