# Seriously considering leaving



## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

Hello,

I am new here, and very grateful to have found this forum. I can certainly use the opinions, thoughts and input from others. My story is long, confusing and very energy sucking as I'm sure everyone/s story is - It would take pages to explain how or why I am considering the end of my common law relationship of 6 years. I just turned 43 and he will be 48 this year. No children involved between us, other my grandchildren who visit. 

We started couples counciling a few weeks ago, then had individual sessions where it came out for me the realization that I am in an emotional and verbally abusive relationship. ( with a police officer at that ). I gave the councilor my full story. 2 hours of explaining the beginning events of our relationship, the red flags that ignored and it left me feeling so victimized and sick - sick MORE SO because I realized I had low self esteem at the start of this relationship and now, well, now I am sucked dry of that completely. From name calling, to anger over the smallest of things, to daily shouting at a bird that happens to chirp, to snappy replies to questions. No physical violence. I cry often in this relationship and have for 6 years. We fight often over the stupidest of things. There is no affection, no I Love You's ( I think he said 3x in 6 years ). 

Then, there is the sweet side I see occasionally. The theripist calls it the "Honey Moon Cycle" of our relationship, then tension builds - 

I think what is hurtful more than anything to me is just the constant display of dis-respect and total issue with proper communication and healthy fighting.

This morning, there was a cop show on, talking about the rape of a 3 year old little girl, and they started to discuss details of the rape and I personally can't stand to hear it, it's very disturbing to hear and makes me feel sick - I have a 3 year old grand daughter. We watch these silly shows all the time, but this topic, really really bothers me to hear about. So I asked him nicely if we could watch something else - he gets mad at me. He huffs, and then recites_ "It's All About You". "It's all about what YOU want". _ 

My 1 year old Grandson stays overnight - I bring the baby to bed for a bit, he whimpers, my husband rolls over and PHFF'S and gets' angry I'm disturbing his sleep, he storms into the room I isolated my African Grey who is SUPER QUIET - but chirps for breakfast in the morning, my husbands yells SHUT UP IN HERE!!! Startling the poor thing. You know? That ANGRY PERSON WITH NO TOLERANCE? If it irritates HIM, everyone else has the problem. Not him. Just stress for me.

I don't know how to respond to that? This is what our life is like constantly. I want to scream. I want to now call him names, I feel like I want to make him feel just as disrespected as he makes me feel. No matter how many times I've tried to explain to him how he is , tone, the way he reacts hurts me, THAT doesn't change. I've come to realize it's a part of his personality - and mine is also changing for the worse. I hate who I am becoming - just to fight back, just to prove my point.

Obviously, it's just a wee little teaspoon to feed you with to give you an idea of what is going on and why I am considering letting this relationship flow by me.

I've never been alone. I first married my high school sweetheart, married, had 2 children by the age of 20 ( very mature at time in my life ) who - I couldn't be more proud. They are super confident women today - I find myself thinking how envious I am of my daughter's relationship! She has a much more respectful and healthier one that I have and I am her mother and she is only 21 years old! 

I think I just need to confirm through my therapy sessions that I am not going crazy, that the behavior that he displays is hurtful and that I am not being overly sensitive. He of coarse blames it on that time of the month ( husband ).

We live in constant criticism, constant pins and needles - ( how to ask something and get a respectful response, how to not sound accusative, what to talk about that doesn't present a tone I hate hearing, how to keep the bird quite, how to ask him to clean up after himself so I don't have to do it, how to say no to sex - especially when I don't feel loved and appreciated - then be sure I don't use it a "tool" ( to punish his words ), how to stop my own new destructive behaviors during arguments - list goes on).


Living alone, finding myself, discovering what makes me happy and feel good sounds so delicious. Building emotional strength and self esteem, confidence and control - finding my "balance" emotionally may mean - letting go of what gets in the way of doing so.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I'm scared - despite what I write, I still doubt myself, wondering am I making a mistake?


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Your relationship sounds much like the one in my past, and my heart aches for you. Living with a person that is volatile is a horrible life existence. No one deserves to be treated that way under any circumstances. Sounds like he is definitely moody and has a hard time dealing with stress. They make medications to deal with that. Do you think he would consider seeing a doctor and taking them? My bet is that he might, because people that are like that and easily stressed (emotionally immature) feel bad inside when they are "raging". They don't want to feel that way either, but they have overwhelming feelings of anger, bitterness, and stress. 

Please understand I'm not making excuses for him at all. You should not tolerate this from him. I would give him an ultimatum, “Either get some help and some mood stabilizers or I am out!”.

It is very scary to be alone, especially in this day and age. Our culture is so isolating, artificial, distant...That is why we say we are lucky to find one true friend...

Although, we CAN learn to fill the void of a person with activities that we enjoy. It’s really hard at first (I didn’t feel like doing anything) but if you fill your schedule with activities you’ll find that it’s not so bad being single…

Sometimes it takes leaving these types too (I mean really leaving/moving out/breaking communication for several months if not a year) to get them to straighten up or seek help.

I'm sure being in your 40's and worrying about that doesn't help either (at least I struggle with aging...you may not). 

I’m glad you came to this forum. There are some really honest and intelligent people here. It is the best relationship board I have ever seen. The people here are very helpful. I am new here, but have read tons of posts and am very impressed.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Brioli said:


> Sometimes it takes leaving these types too (I mean really leaving/moving out/breaking communication for several months if not a year) to get them to straighten up or seek help.


I have to yet be successful at this...When I moved out...he sucked me in while I was moving..lol! He helped so much that we started spending time together again....so....this is attempt number two since I moved out...I really need to distance myself for longer than a week....It is hard...

I have in the past been able to do this (with the man that reminds me of your husband), and it worked. The only thing was when he straigtend up...I was over him. It was too late...


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