# Cuckold/Hotwife understanding **maybe TMI



## Mamibrth

I have been a long time reader and poster to the talkaboutmarriage boards. I have decided to go anon for this one, and i think you will see why. 

I have been married for 12 years now. After two years of marriage, DH and I were having pillow talk after sex, and we started sharing fantasies. I shared mine (super vanilla) and he shared his. The things he shared were also very vanilla, so i pressed him. He got very shy and quiet and told me his fantasy of wanting me to have sex with other men. Talk about a post coitus mood killer! At first i thought he was joking. We went to sleep that night. But the thought kept running through my head about his fantasy. Wasn't i enough? Why would he want this? What is going on? I had a million questions. Our marriage was good, and we were soulmates. Why this? Over the course of the next few weeks and months i would ask him to explain. We would talk about it at length. I asked him to explain what he got out of this. He said that knowing i was being pleasured and giving pleasure made him feel happy and special and even made him feel loved. As the weeks and months passed i became convinced he wanted this so he would have an excuse to cheat or be with other women. He convinced me that this was not the case. On and on it went, and even to the point of me thinking maybe he was closet bi or gay. Neither of which was accurate. The months passed. Our relationship grew in every way, which was great. But this one thing kept nagging at me. "why does he want this"? Thankfully he never pushed me or asked me to do anything about it. Thankfully he isn't into porn or the pornographic concept of cuckolding, that being humiliation or degradation. so, I began to research. 

Of course most of what i found was porn related, or BS stories about this. I couldn't find any real information or material to help me understand my DH. What i did discover was that this particular fantasy is incredibly common. I began asking why. I have come across a great deal of insight into this, and have come to a depth of understanding my husband a great deal. Openness and honesty between us has led us into a great marriage, more than i ever thought was possible. We are deeply in love and look forward to being together at the end of each day.

Are you in this situation? Let me assure you that there are others out there who have dealt with this and are dealing with it. You're not alone!


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## MaiChi

two questions come to mind: 

1 Are there women who have the fantasy of having their husbands have sex with other women? 

2 My understanding of a fantasy is that it is the last private thing that I can keep to myself. If you share a fantasy, do you have the invent a new one or can you keep the same knowing your husband knows it?


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## SunCMars

These men love their woman more than they love of themselves.
They are made of real flesh, made of eyes, a mind apart from their body.

These are dual men, flesh dabblers and voyeurs, simulating their physical life, taking their dreams as reality.



The Typist I-


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I've been in a relationship like this OP. I enjoyed it but eventually decided I wanted a LTR without it at this point in my life. 

If it works for you, it works. That's all that matters. 

There are many places you can look for like couples (fetlife for one)


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## Mr. Nail

I also have 2 questions:

How in the blazes of the deepest underworld do you get permission to post anonymously here?

And, is there any Fantasy that any man can share with his wife that won't make her ask, "Wasn't i enough? Why would he want this?" ?

I have some thoughts on @MaiChi 's questions and on the original post, but this particular topic generally runs to abusive generalization so fast that I'm holding out until 
I see if it's going to be a stable thread before posting in depth.


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## EveningThoughts

Indeed it is a very common fantasy and I have spoken to many people who have this fantasy. So rest assured your husband is not some kind of freak.

And to answer a previous response. Yes women also have this fantasy about their male partners.

Like many strong fantasies, he has probably always had it and always will.
It's great that you two have been able to discuss it.

It can become a problem though in guys that can only get off from this fantasy. 

Have you been to the ourhotwives.org website? It's more chat about the various lifestyles than pics and porn.


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## Young at Heart

In a healthy relationship there should be open, honest communication. One of my favorite pop psych lines is if your husband can't tell you his deepest darkest fantasy, who can he tell it to........a prostitute? 

In a relationship two people should not be afraid to tell each other their deepest darkest fantasies. The person hearing the fantasy should not judge the other, should listen carefully, and ask kind thoughtful questions to understand what is desired. That doesn't mean you need to make the fantasy a reality, it just means they get to get it off their chest in a protected manner and feel good about themselves. You should also in a healthy relationship be able to research things and determine if there are parts of the fantasy you can do and other parts you can't. Perhaps you can figure out some sort of role playing that will provide the illusion of the fantasy. Whatever you decide you need to explain what you can do and are uncomfortable doing and that it is a game, not reality, and you only want to reserve the fantasy for special occasions, not everyday or every week.

I want to applaud the OP for her bravery in both hearing her H out and her researching his fantasy. I hope your questioning him was not too harsh and challenging. I also hope that you have thanked him for loving you enough and trusting you enough to share such hidden secret thoughts with you.

I think adding another sex partner to a committed relationship is a mistake, but you can still role play doing all kinds of non-vanilla things with your H. Good luck.


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## leftfield

I think it is great that you two have an open and honest relationship were you can talk about this fantasy and seek to understand one another. That kind of openness can be very rare.

From what I have read, this is a common fantasy, and it appears that it is might be more common in younger generations (you have to question the research that suggest this).


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## Andy1001

I’ve been told a few times on this forum that I’m too observant for my own good. 
Alter your writing style if you want to stay anonymous. I guessed who you were after a couple of sentences.


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## Mamibrth

As stated previously, I have been to many websites researching this kink. TBH it is intriguing. But reality on the internet when searching for sexual advice is hard to come by without a barrage of pornography or fake people. None of which interests me. 

To answer questions: no, my DH and I have a heathy sex life and he gets off just fine without having to talk about or mention the hotwife thing. 

Yes there are women who want this with their husbands, I am definitely not one. The thought of my husband being with another woman is horrible.


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## As'laDain

From what i understand about cuckold fantasies, isnt there supposed to be s sense of humiliation and denial that goes along with them? I could be wrong about that...


What the OP described sounds more like what is called compersion among polyamory circles...

My wife has had a fantasy of me banging a girl while she "dommes" her. Well, in those fantasies, she calls the shots and tells me what to do too. We have never done it and i seriously doubt we ever will, but it can be fun to fantasize about. 

I wouldnt call that a hotwife fantasy... closer to those "faceless man" fantasies that many women have, but tweaked a bit in order to include the spouse...

I dont know. I think people get hung up on fantasies too much. I mean, i have fantasized about my own death before, but it doesn't mean i want to die...


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## Tilted 1

Mamibrth said:


> Yes there are women who want this with their husbands, I am definitely not one. The thought of my husband being with another woman is horrible.


Ok your not for your husband with another woman. But are you thinking of making your husband's fantasy come true?


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## sokillme

I will get flack but I personally think this phenomenon is mostly porn driven. 

I think most of these guys grew up watching porn and are more turned on by watching (or just the idea of) women having sex then having sex with that women. So if it IS that way I think it's a power thing and not a loving thing. Not that that is even a bad thing, but I don't buy the whole, he wants her pleasure. If that were the case why do these guys continue to push when the wife wants nothing to do with it. If it were any other sex act we would see that the desire driven by the person pushing. I mean imagine if the guy wanted anal sex and then when she said no his response was (but I just want your pleasure) and then brought it up over and over. No one would buy that ****. Let's cut the crap. 

The other TELL as I see it is the need for them to hear or even have pictures of the events. That is so they can to get off on it, again nothing to do with their partners pleasure. They want porn-star wives they can get off on. Why do they need these mementos? Like if you want her to get off with other men then just open your marriage and don't ask her about it, you don't have to know the details. But they want the details, the videos, the pictures because they get off on it. 

To each his own but don't try to sell me that her pleasure bridge, I'm not buying.


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## Mamibrth

Tilted 1 said:


> Ok your not for your husband with another woman. But are you thinking of making your husband's fantasy come true?


yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?

Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward. 

I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Mamibrth said:


> yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?
> 
> Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.
> 
> I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.


Go on fetlife, there will be people that are well known and safe and you can talk to other couples he's been with to feel more comfortable. 

Check if you have any clubs around (swinging clubs, co-ed bathhouses, gloryhole locations, etc) They have security and can be a safer option


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## Tilted 1

Mamibrth said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ok your not for your husband with another woman. But are you thinking of making your husband's fantasy come true?
> 
> 
> 
> yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?
> 
> Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.
> 
> I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.
Click to expand...

That's a honest answer. When it happens and you find your new partner just better at everything, to include new wonderful promises. And your old husband was willing to take a shot at his kinks and yourself. Is it possible you may find yourself in a different thought. And want to move on with something better?


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## Tilted 1

Saying, yes sex is good between you and honey right now. And what if and when this will be the best sex ever for you would you be willing to give it up? Or do something else?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Tilted 1 said:


> That's a honest answer. When it happens and you find your new partner just better at everything, to include new wonderful promises. And your old husband was willing to take a shot at his kinks and yourself. Is it possible you may find yourself in a different thought. And want to move on with something better?


When I did it, it was never about the other men. They were fleshy sex toys, nothing more. It made the sex a lot better with the other men and my man and there was no emotions with the other men at all. 
Jealousy was a functional tool used during the sex. 

I would caution the OP to not have any emotional ties to the other men. There's no talk of future promises or compatibility. I didn't even know their names most of the time.


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## As'laDain

sokillme said:


> I will get flack but I personally think this phenomenon is mostly porn driven.
> 
> I think most of these guys grew up watching porn and are more turned on by watching (or just the idea of) women having sex then having sex with that women. So if it IS that way I think it's a power thing and not a loving thing. Not that that is even a bad thing, but I don't buy the whole, he wants her pleasure. If that were the case why do these guys continue to push when the wife wants nothing to do with it. If it were any other sex act we would see that the desire driven by the person pushing. I mean imagine if the guy wanted anal sex and then when she said no his response was (but I just want your pleasure) and then brought it up over and over. No one would buy that ****. Let's cut the crap.
> 
> The other TELL as I see it is the need for them to hear or even have pictures of the events. That is so they can to get off on it, again nothing to do with their partners pleasure. They want porn-star wives they can get off on. Why do they need these mementos? Like if you want her to get off with other men then just open your marriage and don't ask her about it, you don't have to know the details. But they want the details, the videos, the pictures because they get off on it.
> 
> To each his own but don't try to sell me that her pleasure bridge, I'm not buying.


I get what you are saying, but in this case, it was the OP who pushed her husband for more information about it. I guess he was afraid of saying what was on his mind... 

I am polyamorous. And while i do enjoy seeing my wife come home happy after a date, i don't need nor want all the details. Still, i enjoy seeing her happy. 

The person im dating right now is actually asexual, so there isnt any sex involved and there will never be(i doubt she is even physically capable of it...) 

I love her to death, but sex is off the table. 

Its not always about porn.


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## Faithful Wife

@Mamibrth

It is against forum rules to have more than one account. Have you emailed a mod to get permission for this 2nd account? If not, they may ban this account. Just FYI.


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## Tilted 1

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Jealousy was a functional tool used during the sex.
> .


In what way did jealousy, play in your game's?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Tilted 1 said:


> SlowlyGoingCrazy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Jealousy was a functional tool used during the sex.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> In what way did jealousy, play in your game's?
Click to expand...

He would use it to enhance sex for him. Sort of re-claiming. It’s a fairly common thing in those situations.


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## Mamibrth

Tilted 1 said:


> That's a honest answer. When it happens and you find your new partner just better at everything, to include new wonderful promises. And your old husband was willing to take a shot at his kinks and yourself. Is it possible you may find yourself in a different thought. And want to move on with something better?


I cant imagine that at all. Even if the new guy was amazing in every way, i still love my husband and could not imagine life without him. I think if i did go through with this, and started to develop feelings other than sexual feelings, i would break it off. DH and i have discussed this. His opinion is that it would be ok for me to have a "boyfriend". maybe, but its a bridge i will have to assess as im crossing it.


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## Mamibrth

As'laDain said:


> I get what you are saying, but in this case, it was the OP who pushed her husband for more information about it. I guess he was afraid of saying what was on his mind...
> 
> I am polyamorous. And while i do enjoy seeing my wife come home happy after a date, i don't need nor want all the details. Still, i enjoy seeing her happy.
> 
> The person im dating right now is actually asexual, so there isnt any sex involved and there will never be(i doubt she is even physically capable of it...)
> 
> I love her to death, but sex is off the table.
> 
> Its not always about porn.


THANK YOU!! I was trying to come up with a reply to that post and it just frustrated me! Neither of us use porn, and my DH does not push or force the issue. I was intrigued. I was the one asking HIM. I did the research and if i asked DH to drop it, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt i would never hear of it again. Thank you!


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## Mamibrth

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He would use it to enhance sex for him. Sort of re-claiming. It’s a fairly common thing in those situations.


Reclaiming! I havent heard that before. I asked my DH about that and he said the entire pinnacle of the whole thing would be to have sex with me afterward. We both got a chuckle (not in a mean way, but in a "never thought of it like that" way ) out of thinking about "reclaiming". Excellent verbage! Thank you!


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## As'laDain

Faithful Wife said:


> @Mamibrth
> 
> It is against forum rules to have more than one account. Have you emailed a mod to get permission for this 2nd account? If not, they may ban this account. Just FYI.


 @Mamibrth, please address this. I won't respond furthur until you do.


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## Mamibrth

As'laDain said:


> @Mamibrth, please address this. I won't respond furthur until you do.


As'laDain, thank you. I read through the TOS. I could not find what you mentioned. Can you please cite a source? That way i can read it and remedy the situation if need be. Thank you!


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## Mamibrth

Please disregard the previous post. I have found what you mentioned. I was looking in the wrong place. I have emailed the mods to have my previous account terminated should they choose to do so in order to maintain only one active account. Thank you for reminding me of the rules.


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## Faithful Wife

Mamibrth said:


> Reclaiming! I havent heard that before. I asked my DH about that and he said the entire pinnacle of the whole thing would be to have sex with me afterward. We both got a chuckle (not in a mean way, but in a "never thought of it like that" way ) out of thinking about "reclaiming". Excellent verbage! Thank you!


One thing that happens sometimes is that a person believes they would enjoy seeing their partner with someone else, but then it happens and the reality of it crushes them. They did not know that in fantasy it was great but the reality of it was hell.

Just a general warning there.

Someone else mentioned Fetlife. It is a good idea to join and check out what some are doing. You could also PM with specific people and role play at a distance with them, as a way to play like this without the danger of the reality of it.

Example would be you find a hot guy’s profile who identifies as a stud for hot wives, and you share pictures and messages or even live video with him describing all the things you fantasize about. Lots of people do this.

Not my thing but I know it is very common and some people have only good experiences with it.


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## Mamibrth

Faithful Wife said:


> One thing that happens sometimes is that a person believes they would enjoy seeing their partner with someone else, but then it happens and the reality of it crushes them. They did not know that in fantasy it was great but the reality of it was hell.
> 
> Just a general warning there.
> 
> Someone else mentioned Fetlife. It is a good idea to join and check out what some are doing. You could also PM with specific people and role play at a distance with them, as a way to play like this without the danger of the reality of it.
> 
> Example would be you find a hot guy’s profile who identifies as a stud for hot wives, and you share pictures and messages or even live video with him describing all the things you fantasize about. Lots of people do this.
> 
> Not my thing but I know it is very common and some people have only good experiences with it.


We have done similar scenarios a few times. I have video chatted with a few guys with DH present. It was great fun and we both enjoyed it very much. The sexual intensity following these "sessions" was amazing. Thank you for your suggestion. I will check out fet life and see what it is all about. I have never considered myself a fetishist (?) but i suppose that might be a good resource for information, if i can weed through all the fakers and odd ducks.


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## Tilted 1

Mamibrth said:


> SlowlyGoingCrazy said:
> 
> 
> 
> He would use it to enhance sex for him. Sort of re-claiming. It’s a fairly common thing in those situations.
> 
> 
> 
> Reclaiming! I havent heard that before. I asked my DH about that and he said the entire pinnacle of the whole thing would be to have sex with me afterward. We both got a chuckle (not in a mean way, but in a "never thought of it like that" way ) out of thinking about "reclaiming". Excellent verbage! Thank you!
Click to expand...

Have you thought of BDSM? as a possible way to avoid the crush factor?


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## Faithful Wife

Mamibrth said:


> We have done similar scenarios a few times. I have video chatted with a few guys with DH present. It was great fun and we both enjoyed it very much. The sexual intensity following these "sessions" was amazing. Thank you for your suggestion. I will check out fet life and see what it is all about. I have never considered myself a fetishist (?) but i suppose that might be a good resource for information, if i can weed through all the fakers and odd ducks.


How/where did you meet the video chat guys? If it was from some kind of site that caters to this, then Fetlife won’t be that much different. 

Yes there are thousands of fetishes and all of them are represented at Fetlife. But people mostly just stick to interacting with others who have the same fetishes they have.

Oh the stories I could tell of things I’ve seen on Fetlife without even meaning to. If you stick to looking up what you are interested in, you won’t come across all the rest. But if you just go meander around, there are rabbit holes within rabbit holes within rabbit holes....


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## Mamibrth

Faithful Wife said:


> How/where did you meet the video chat guys? If it was from some kind of site that caters to this, then Fetlife won’t be that much different.
> 
> Yes there are thousands of fetishes and all of them are represented at Fetlife. But people mostly just stick to interacting with others who have the same fetishes they have.
> 
> Oh the stories I could tell of things I’ve seen on Fetlife without even meaning to. If you stick to looking up what you are interested in, you won’t come across all the rest. But if you just go meander around, there are rabbit holes within rabbit holes within rabbit holes....


Rabbit holes! im sure there are a myriad of paths to wander there. I shall have to check it out!

I met a few of them in responding to craigslist adds back when craigslist personals were still a thing. Mostly it would start out as a chat on kik. Then it would progress to video chatting. My DH would watch out of view of the camera. A couple i met while playing online games in chat rooms. I dont want to be to graphic.


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## Diana7

Mamibrth said:


> yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?
> 
> Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.
> 
> I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.


IT may not be cheating but its still adultery and that always has consequences. A husband or wife who would encourage their spouse to commit adultery isn't wanting what is best for them. They are also risking their marriage and their children's future because we all know that this sort of thing often has terrible results. 

I agree with another poster, him telling you that he wants to see you give and receive pleasure for YOUR sake is laughable, what HE wants is for HIS fantasy to become reality no matter what YOU have to do to make it happen.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> IT may not be cheating but its still adultery and that always has consequences. A husband or wife who would encourage their spouse to commit adultery isn't wanting what is best for them. They are also risking their marriage and their children's future because we all know that this sort of thing often has terrible results.
> 
> I agree with another poster, him telling you that he wants to see you give and receive pleasure for your sake is laughable, what HE wants is for HIS fantasy to become reality no matter what you have to do to make it happen.


Exactly. It’s all about him and his fetish.
You are just a sex toy in his fantasy and if you ever have sex with another guy then one of two things can happen. 
1. He can’t handle it and divorces you and he may actually cite cheating as a cause. 
2. He wants to go even further and watch while you pick up guys in bars and leave with them.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> Exactly. It’s all about him and his fetish.
> You are just a sex toy in his fantasy and if you ever have sex with another guy then one of two things can happen.
> 1. He can’t handle it and divorces you and he may actually cite cheating as a cause.
> 2. He wants to go even further and watch while you pick up guys in bars and leave with them.


Yep, its a slippery slope to nowheres ville:frown2:

He is not treating her with love or respect but cares only for himself. Very sad. 

Surely this is the point of fantasies? That they remain just that, fantasies? 

I love my husband to bits, but I would never agree to commit adultery for him, that's just disastrous. Thankfully he would never ask me to. If a man I was with ever did mention wanting this, I would know immediately that we were entirely incompatible and on a completely different wave length. A loving caring husband would only want the best for his wife, marriage and children, not this complete disaster waiting to happen. 
Not only is he using his wife, but they are using other people for his fantasies.

I would expect to see the op back here in a year or two with a disastrous story of her marriage exploding.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Diana7 said:


> I agree with another poster, him telling you that he wants to see you give and receive pleasure for YOUR sake is laughable, what HE wants is for HIS fantasy to become reality no matter what YOU have to do to make it happen.


I have to admit that's exactly what I thought OP, when I was reading your initial post and you said he claimed that watching you have sex with another man would make him feel special and 'loved.' I kind of laughed out loud when I read that.

It sounds like he's trying to wipe the 'deviant' right off his fantasy so you don't think too badly of him now that he shared his secret with you. Making it about love and feelings makes it sound much better than the truth - that it's the purely sexual fantasy of having his *own* personal porn star - you - perform _just_ for him. And then he gets to play with you when you're done performing for him. This fantasy ain't about love, OP.


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## PreRaph

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have to admit that's exactly what I thought OP, when I was reading your initial post and you said he claimed that watching you have sex with another man would make him feel special and 'loved.' I kind of laughed out loud when I read that.
> 
> It sounds like he's trying to wipe the 'deviant' right off his fantasy so you don't think too badly of him now that he shared his secret with you. Making it about love and feelings makes it sound much better than the truth - that it's the purely sexual fantasy of having his *own* personal porn star - you - perform _just_ for him. And then he gets to play with you when you're done performing for him. This fantasy ain't about love, OP.


Cuckold fantasies are very porn driven, and they usually involve another man who is very well endowed, far more endowed than the husband, not to mention of a different race, usually black. The fantasy is of him being humiliated by a "real man" in front of his face and his wife being a total *****. Stay away from it, far away.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

PreRaph said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have to admit that's exactly what I thought OP, when I was reading your initial post and you said he claimed that watching you have sex with another man would make him feel special and 'loved.' I kind of laughed out loud when I read that.
> 
> It sounds like he's trying to wipe the 'deviant' right off his fantasy so you don't think too badly of him now that he shared his secret with you. Making it about love and feelings makes it sound much better than the truth - that it's the purely sexual fantasy of having his *own* personal porn star - you - perform _just_ for him. And then he gets to play with you when you're done performing for him. This fantasy ain't about love, OP.
> 
> 
> 
> Cuckold fantasies are very porn driven, and they usually involve another man who is very well endowed, far more endowed than the husband, not to mention of a different race, usually black. The fantasy is of him being humiliated by a "real man" in front of his face and his wife being a total *****. Stay away from it, far away.
Click to expand...


Not all cuckold fantasies or situations involve humiliation. Mine didn’t have that aspect in it at all. 

Some guys like to join in, others just want to watch. 

I do think there was an aspect in mine of wanting to explore bisexual sex but that’s not universal either. 

It would be important to discuss the yes and no list specifically with her H and not what porn shows.


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## Gabriel

Look, it's called a fantasy for a reason. F-A-N-T-A-S-Y

Not reality.

There is zero need to fulfill this for him. Plenty of couples out there have fantasies and you might dirty talk about them during sex. But you don't actually perform the act.

We do that all the time.


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## Tilted 1

Definitely , would do a different kink with the spouse..... Before any thing Disastrous could end a full happy marriage. I also thing most men would be different as his wife is getting a bit strange and then to play in the same used water. Tell your H to use the little blue pill on you instead. 

I think you!! are intrigue and are going to bite the head of the snake off and will not turn out pretty. But if you do you both have no one to blame just get your financials in order first. He will just deny he gave you the go ahead. Then will go and find another whom he will not be so agreeable. Think on this a long time a video is one completely different animal.


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## maquiscat

MaiChi said:


> two questions come to mind:
> 
> 
> 
> 1 Are there women who have the fantasy of having their husbands have sex with other women?
> 
> 
> 
> 2 My understanding of a fantasy is that it is the last private thing that I can keep to myself. If you share a fantasy, do you have the invent a new one or can you keep the same knowing your husband knows it?


I didn't see an (obvious) answer to this, so...
1. Yes there are. It's relatively common on both side. Voyeurism is usually the source, and watching your mate have sex from the outside, so to speak, can be sexually stimulating and/or satisfying to some.

Sharing a fantasy doesn't necessarily diminish it, or make it less enjoyable when you go over it. I have several fantasies (not all of them sexual) that I have shared with my wives and husband, and still enjoy playing them over again in my head. For that matter, even doing a fantasy doesn't necessarily remove it from the "play list". You might review the event while making modifications that you would want to do next time or wish you could have done.

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## maquiscat

Mamibrth said:


> Wasn't i enough?


This is the one question that confused me. He was asking you to get more as opposed to wanting to go get more himself. I would have thought that a more appropriate question would be "am I too much?"

I am glad you did research into this. Sadly too many people want to make assumptions or go by the porn version. 

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## maquiscat

Mamibrth said:


> As stated previously, I have been to many websites researching this kink. TBH it is intriguing. But reality on the internet when searching for sexual advice is hard to come by without a barrage of pornography or fake people. None of which interests me.


When it come to fantasies, being part of a local kink group can be advantageous. There are quite a number of monogamous couples within these groups. Joining them gives you the advantage of learning the realities of the different plays, as they are oft called, without having to wade through the porn flotsam that mires the internet. There are also groups out there, like Black Rose (to name an example that I am aware of. You'll have to see if any are near you), that are all about education. With them you can pick and choose your likes and interests and only deal with that topic.

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## maquiscat

Mamibrth said:


> yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?


Try the perspective that many in the open/poly communities have. Cheating is going behind someone's back, keeping secrets. It's not cheating if they know and approve. Would you still feel guilty? Possible. But the question is what is the source of that guilt? That you wronged your husband? Or that you did something that _others_ feel wronged your husband?





> Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.
> 
> 
> 
> I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.


This is where being part of a local kink group could be handy. You have a place, usually at munches, where you can get to know people, and where others can vet them. Finding someone you both trust won't automatically be read as a relationship beyond friendship. I have done several scenes with women other than my wives, and no expectations beyond that scene. But I have only done them with women I already knew and trusted, or who have been vouched for by such.

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## She'sStillGotIt

PreRaph said:


> Cuckold fantasies are very porn driven, and they usually involve another man who is very well endowed, far more endowed than the husband, not to mention of a different race, usually black. The fantasy is of him being humiliated by a "real man" in front of his face and his wife being a total *****. Stay away from it, far away.


 You're confusing the cuckold fantasy with hot-wifing.

They're two drastically different things.


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## arbitrator

*I, on my weakest day, could not even begin to fathom the sheer thought of some other guy banging my wife!

And that's even after being aid-driven by swilling a gallon of Jack Daniels No. 7 and eating an oversized bag of cocaine!*


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## CraigBesuden

I’ve told my wife that she has my permission to have sex with other guys. She’s not interested.

My neighbor’s wife has been trying, for the nine years we’ve known them, to get him to allow her date other men or swing. He’s not biting.

There is a theory called “sperm wars.” It is claimed that over 99% of sperm are not for impregnating a woman but killing other men’s sperm. When a man believes that sperm competition may occur, his body responds to the threat by causing a powerful erection and shooting an extra-large amount of sperm. This is why most men prefer to watch porn of a man having sex with an attractive woman, rather than lesbian or solo female scenes.

Kamikaze sperm:

https://www.thecut.com/2013/12/fighting-off-rivals.html

“Competition may also affect sperm count, say the authors. When men spend more time away from their partners (time that their partners could have spent with other males), the number of sperm in their ejaculate increases upon their next copulation.”

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070210170428.htm


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## CraigBesuden

Gabriel said:


> Look, it's called a fantasy for a reason. F-A-N-T-A-S-Y
> 
> Not reality.
> 
> There is zero need to fulfill this for him. Plenty of couples out there have fantasies and you might dirty talk about them during sex. But you don't actually perform the act.
> 
> We do that all the time.


True. You don’t need to actually do it. You could tell him about the hot guy you met at the bar during GNO, tell him all of the dirty details of how you met him at the hotel room, etc. Tell him that your stories may or may not be true.

Of course, you may think on the surface that you are doing it just for him. Deep down, though....


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## bandit.45

Mamibrth said:


> I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I?


No. He_ thinks_ he would love it. But the truth cannot be known until you are head down, with the other man ploughing you in front of him. At that point any love and respect he may have for you may go out the window. 

I am the absolute worst poster to chime in on this issue, because there is no way I would ever respect my mate again if I saw her doing another guy...consensual or not. I guess I'm not as highly evolved as some of the posters here who seem to be steering you towards experimenting with this. I think it is a slippery slope right into the acid jar myself. 

I think your husband needs to lay off the porn, get some counseling for his feelings of inadequacy, and quit being a perv. And yes... most of his interest is porn generated. I guarantee it. 

Just my opinion.


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## bandit.45

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're confusing the cuckold fantasy with hot-wifing.
> 
> They're two drastically different things.


How?


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## maquiscat

bandit.45 said:


> How?


Do you seriously want to know the difference between cuckolding and hot wife-ing, or is the question retorical?

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## Tasorundo

From what I understand, cuckolds are humiliated by their wives banging other people while a hotwife husband takes pride in other people banging his wife.

Either way, the eventual implosion of the relationship is the most likely scenario.


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## bandit.45

maquiscat said:


> Do you seriously want to know the difference between cuckolding and hot wife-ing, or is the question retorical?
> 
> Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


I have my own definitions. What are yours?


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## maquiscat

bandit.45 said:


> I have my own definitions. What are yours?


Tasorundo pretty much has the lay of it, no pun intended. Cuckolding is typically part of the humiliation play types, while hotwife-ing falls more under voyeurism.

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## Rubix Cubed

bandit.45 said:


> I have my own definitions. What are yours?


 C'mon Bandit, It's your feelings while another man pounds a load into your wife. That's the difference. Feelings, man, feelings. Yeah ... nah.


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## bandit.45

Rubix Cubed said:


> C'mon Bandit, It's your feelings while another man pounds a load into your wife. That's the difference. Feelings, man, feelings. Yeah ... nah.


Uh huh. Yeah. 

I wonder what the other msn’s feelings are when I start whacking off his body parts with my machete?


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## pplwatching

I think that you might want to consider two guiding principles that have served me well in my marriage. 

The first is treat your marriage as the most valuable possession that you own. You can learn a lot about people and their priorities by looking at the way that they treat things that they claim are valuable. Would you let some stranger drive your $100,000 sports car? Give them access to your bank accounts? Take into consideration not just the emotional risks that you are considering taking, but the financial risks as well. Divorce is expensive and will impact your financial goals down the road.

Second, if you want to be married then act like you want to be married. One of the first questions that I ask myself is, "is <whatever I'm considering> in the best interest of my marriage?" Doing things that expose your marriage to unnecessary risk with little to no benefit to your goals as a couple is ill-advised.

Endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin are released during sex - all of which have the potential to influence both your marriage relationship and create feelings for your other sexual partners. They're great for building the bond in a marriage. They can also be a tempting alternative to working through even the normal problems that crop up during marriage, which effectively opens the door to walking away during those times when marriage isn't easy or fun.

IMHO, being married means acting in the best interests of your marriage as a whole. Sometimes this means setting aside individual wants.


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## Lostinthought61

CraigBesuden said:


> I’ve told my wife that she has my permission to have sex with other guys. She’s not interested.
> 
> My neighbor’s wife has been trying, for the nine years we’ve known them, to get him to allow her date other men or swing. He’s not biting.
> 
> There is a theory called “sperm wars.” It is claimed that over 99% of sperm are not for impregnating a woman but killing other men’s sperm. When a man believes that sperm competition may occur, his body responds to the threat by causing a powerful erection and shooting an extra-large amount of sperm. This is why most men prefer to watch porn of a man having sex with an attractive woman, rather than lesbian or solo female scenes.
> 
> Kamikaze sperm:
> 
> https://www.thecut.com/2013/12/fighting-off-rivals.html
> 
> “Competition may also affect sperm count, say the authors. When men spend more time away from their partners (time that their partners could have spent with other males), the number of sperm in their ejaculate increases upon their next copulation.”
> 
> https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/02/070210170428.htm


Curious Craig, does she allow you the same privilege?


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## badsanta

Mamibrth said:


> Are you in this situation? Let me assure you that there are others out there who have dealt with this and are dealing with it. You're not alone!


I'm not in this situation but enjoy researching what makes certain people tick. When it comes to this fantasy it is about the following:



Suppressed bisexuality
Fear of abandonment 
Both of the above

If you focus on the second item on that list it stems from a manifestation of low self esteem and a husband that thinks he is unable to make his wife happy. He fears he will loose her. However if he can control her ability to have other partners and guarantee it will not go beyond just temporary sex while the marriage is maintained it creates a sense of euphoria. This comes from a feeling that the wife slept with someone else but proved she will still stay in the marriage. Therefor he now feels safe and he gets off on exactly that. Something called "hysterical bonding" then ensues as he reclaims you as his wife sexually. 

If that is the case, then you need to work on your husband's self esteem. Help him feel more confident in the marriage. Perhaps allow him to role play as another man with more sexual confidence until he becomes just that.

At the end of the day a spouse with low self confidence will ultimately destroy the relationship. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## bandit.45

In my mind, marriage should be saved for monogamous people who want to have a monogamous marriage. Marriage without monogamy is not marriage. Without sexual exclusivity it becomes simply a contract between two people to lock themselves financially together for life. Why would anyone want to do that? 

If you want a life-roommate arrangement, with the freedom to bang other people, then just live together and don't get married. Have kids, buy a house, get a dog, swing to your hearts content, but don't marry. It makes no sense to do so.


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## CraigBesuden

Lostinthought61 said:


> Curious Craig, does she allow you the same privilege?



No, never asked and no intention to do it.



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## 269370

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> When I did it, it was never about the other men. They were fleshy sex toys, nothing more. It made the sex a lot better with the other men and my man and there was no emotions with the other men at all.
> 
> Jealousy was a functional tool used during the sex.
> 
> 
> 
> I would caution the OP to not have any emotional ties to the other men. There's no talk of future promises or compatibility. I didn't even know their names most of the time.




 I am not sure my poor little brain can handle this...
So this actually happens in real life?

Can I ask: what did you get out of it? Were you still able to see your partner/husband the same way (after he made you do it)? Did you not lose respect for him, after the sex afterglow wore off?

And: why did the relationship not work out in the end?

I do not understand what women would get out of it...Is it about other men having sex with them? Being objectified? Or is it purely because it turns the husband on? Or something else. I. don’t. Get. It. (From the woman’s perspective).


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## bandit.45

CraigBesuden said:


> No, never asked and no intention to do it.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Of course not. That would be against the point. 

My marriage ended because my X decided she was tired of being married and being sexually exclusive to one man. It's that simple. It really is. There was no deep, psychological reason. She yearned to try different d!cks. I understood it, accepted it and I let her go. 

The ink wasn't dry on the decree before she was spreading her legs for half the male college students from the UofA. Some middle-aged women are cougars, mine was a panther.


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## Lostinthought61

CraigBesuden said:


> No, never asked and no intention to do it.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Is that because you have a desire to have a Hot Wife lifestyle?


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## SunCMars

One opinion is as good as another....not.

Not necessarily.

If the bad outweighs the good, the good often gets flushed too.

A sweet gem with a flaw.
A sweet strawberry with a bit of mold.

The gem can be kept as seconds.

The strawberry is risky, and should be not kept.
Unless, one is starving, then cut out the bad, eat of the rest, then poop out the worst, that bad felt, but not noticed.


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## Young at Heart

badsanta said:


> I'm not in this situation but enjoy researching what makes certain people tick. When it comes to this fantasy it is about the following:
> 
> 
> 
> Suppressed bisexuality
> Fear of abandonment
> Both of the above
> 
> If you focus on the second item on that list it stems from a manifestation of low self esteem and a husband that thinks he is unable to make his wife happy. He fears he will loose her. However if he can control her ability to have other partners and guarantee it will not go beyond just temporary sex while the marriage is maintained it creates a sense of euphoria. This comes from a feeling that the wife slept with someone else but proved she will still stay in the marriage. Therefor he now feels safe and he gets off on exactly that. Something called "hysterical bonding" then ensues as he reclaims you as his wife sexually.
> 
> If that is the case, then you need to work on your husband's self esteem. Help him feel more confident in the marriage. Perhaps allow him to role play as another man with more sexual confidence until he becomes just that.
> 
> At the end of the day a spouse with low self confidence will ultimately destroy the relationship.
> 
> Hope that helps,
> Badsanta


I have a different perspective. at about the 10 minute mark on the following TED talk is a discussion of Manogomish. How to role play a sexual encounter with another but not actually commit adultery. Also later how to take tiny steps toward non-monogomy.






Rather than ; Suppressed bisexuality; Fear of abandonment; I think that those who are into cuckholding can have a very different emotions that can include

Voyerism,
Exhibitionism,
Creating Jealousy in one's partner so that they desire and compete for you,
To be able to actually visually bond with your partner through eye contact during sex (that you could not do while having sex with your partner),
To be or watch your spouse be "ravished" as in a romance novel (which may be something the couple can't do),
humiliation,
the excitement of doing a taboo thing,
the ability to see things that you couldn't normally see because you are too close and to involved in sex (seeing her orgasm face, her sex flush, her body twitch during orgasm),
to feel sexual desire (her the attention of another man, him that she wants to sleep with him and remain his wife)

While it is not my thing, I have always felt that the brain is our largest sex organ and the whole cuckhold thing is mostly about both "f-ing each other's minds."

If it goes beyond role playing, it could destroy a marriage, but some people have the communication skills and strong marriage to handle it. I would not want to cross that line, but can respect others who do.


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## Tilted 1

Young at Heart said:


> I have a different perspective. at about the 10 minute mark on the following TED talk is a discussion of Manogomish. How to role play a sexual encounter with another but not actually commit adultery. Also later how to take tiny steps toward non-monogomy.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE
> 
> Rather than ; Suppressed bisexuality; Fear of abandonment; I think that those who are into cuckholding can have a very different emotions that can include
> 
> Voyerism,
> Exhibitionism,
> Creating Jealousy in one's partner so that they desire and compete for you,
> To be able to actually visually bond with your partner through eye contact during sex (that you could not do while having sex with your partner),
> To be or watch your spouse be "ravished" as in a romance novel (which may be something the couple can't do),
> humiliation,
> the excitement of doing a taboo thing,
> the ability to see things that you couldn't normally see because you are too close and to involved in sex (seeing her orgasm face, her sex flush, her body twitch during orgasm),
> to feel sexual desire (her the attention of another man, him that she wants to sleep with him and remain his wife)
> 
> While it is not my thing, I have always felt that the brain is our largest sex organ and the whole cuckhold thing is mostly about both "f-ing each other's minds."
> 
> If it goes beyond role playing, it could destroy a marriage, but some people have the communication skills and strong marriage to handle it. I would not want to cross that line, but can respect others who do.


Yah, sounds good on paper but, me thinks if playing with fire and someone gets responses, and acts on it then crosses the line. It's kaupts anyhow. What if the other spouse is not attractive enough to get results and can not play the game. Then resentment brews and guess what it kaupts anyhow. So the the one who gets the responses or returns for fun and game to complete the game man or woman. To get some, kaupts on the marriage then as she ( the specialist) quotes another statistic regardless l only play with my spouse and if it goes south, l believe in my self enough and believe enough that l will find a faithful love that's monamogus. And let the cheater go.


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## Young at Heart

Tilted 1 said:


> Yah, sounds good on paper but, me thinks if playing with fire and someone gets responses, and acts on it then crosses the line. It's kaupts anyhow. What if the other spouse is not attractive enough to get results and can not play the game. Then resentment brews and guess what it kaupts anyhow. So the the one who gets the responses or returns for fun and game to complete the game man or woman. To get some, kaupts on the marriage then as she ( the specialist) quotes another statistic regardless l only play with my spouse and if it goes south, l believe in my self enough and believe enough that l will find a faithful love that's monamogus. And let the cheater go.


As I said,


> If it goes beyond role playing, it could destroy a marriage, but some people have the communication skills and strong marriage to handle it. I would not want to cross that line, but can respect others who do.


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## Tilted 1

I just said it is a distraction, of working on the marriage aspect of it. IMHO if the marriage was that strong it wouldn't need it, because of their strong communication skills. I agree with you it would not be my cup of tea. That's all.


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## Tilted 1

But that's our new society, self indulgence complete and total happiness regardless of what low level bar one sets for him or herself. If one spouse would bring this into the mix there's already some sort of problems. And just drags the other spouse to comply, willing or not. But if the relationship is other open, swinging, or several others who play this way, more than likely there not monamogus already. Just putting out another view.


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## oldtruck

Tilted 1 said:


> That's a honest answer. When it happens and you find your new partner just better at everything, to include new wonderful promises. And your old husband was willing to take a shot at his kinks and yourself. Is it possible you may find yourself in a different thought. And want to move on with something better?


This one of the reasons many marriages end after doing this fetish.


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## Tilted 1

oldtruck said:


> This one of the reasons many marriages end after doing this fetish.


Correct you are.


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## maquiscat

oldtruck said:


> This one of the reasons many marriages end after doing this fetish.


Many marriages end after trying lots of fetishes because they just try to jump in and not learn how to do thing safely and how to communicate about the fetish. When it comes to things where others outside of the marriage come into play, pun intended, the number one killer is the lack of communication. There is too much of "He/She should have known this!" instead of "hey this might be obvious but *issue*". Of course that is a ender with more than just sex issues.

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## Lila

OP has been banned. Thread closed.


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## OLD GUY

Women overthink things. It is simple for men. Our eyes are attached to our ****. Why do you think men's magazines have sexy women in them. And when we get married it includes the heart. I love to please my wife. To see her get pleasure is wonderful. I have NO DESIRE to have sex with another woman. I only want my wife to enjoy herself. I watch her get ready, or undress, the excitement goes from my eyes, heart to my ****. Been this way for decades.


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## Deejo

Old thread, banned OP. Closed.


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