# Wife Denies Marriage problems even after caught sexting- bit of clarity?



## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Hi,

I would just like some clarity to wrap my head around my situation
before we see a therapist soon together.

Thank you in advance for any help/insight.

A little background:

My wife and myself have been married five years and have two toddlers. Our marriage have for the last four years have had more bad times than good but by November last year things have being looking for the better for a few months running. Here are the time frames to avoid a big read:

1. Married and settled going good- pregnant year into marriage
2. Soon after son born wife shows signs of PPD and possible BI-Polar (Doctors suspects but never fully diagnosed) 
3. second son and wife becomes verbally abusive to me and newborn - threatening him with suffocation and hate him etc in early mornings.
4. Called her father and asked to talk to her for she needed help- he expressed concern and told me he suspected BiPolar as it ran in family. He pressed me to "force" her in my car to doctor, as apposed to talk to her as a father. I pleaded outside my wifes office a last attempt for him to talk her getting help but pressed on the route of making her get help. En-route to hospital she phones her dad and I could clearly hear him say to her to get out the car at the first stop and go to the closest police station. In tears she somehow decided to go forth to hospital. (her dad tricked me and caused major damage to me and worst of all his daughter) She saw a doc a few times for a few months. Used meds for a couple of months and discontinued due to influence from her mom - her mom convincing her the feeling and acting normal is not normal- Ironically her mom drinks prescription anti depressant in big quantities. She herself is heavily depressed and the majority of her siblings committed suicide. On my wifes dad side also suicide. I'm not used to this type of family outcome.
5. For the next three years alot of drama- divorce threats, verbal abuse etc. I became enlightened and fought back the evil. (I found myself and the truth about myself with a strong support group and friends) Things started to improve.
6. We battled financially before and my business now is about to become very successful where we will change from poor to being able to buy the beech house and more. 
7. Prior to the the following point - my wife talks badly about me to her mum, using Arse.... instead of my name and together they back-mouth me and my family (whom they really do not even really know) badly. They back mouth me over text etc, and I can validate that it is instigating to cause trouble in our marriage. Besides from the back mouthing on text and phone I have caught them gossiping towards me and my family while visiting them and vice versa. Recently my father in law came into my house used a derogatory term and ranted about a road rage incident he just had, knowing very well me and his grand kids are from the bloodline he insulted. (example generalizing and calling a group "********"- I apologize if this offends, I use this as example not towards anybody). Long point short- they are definitively trying to cause marriage harm, same what they tried with their other child marriage and luckily their other kid stopped them in their tracks. I like them and they have always liked me and never ever tried to harm our marriage. 
8. Beside from prying on my wife's phone to see what "damage" her family is up to, I really got a bad gut feel and checked her phone. I had one of her facebook friends that got onto my gut-feel radar for a while and low and behold on her text messages. So I started to scroll. At first it looked a bit too close of a friendship, as they would exchange how their days went in happy detail as when I ask my wife i get the "it was ok" kind of thing. But further down in a time period it went really well with me and my wife, I saw the pain staking heart crushing sexting, flirtin explicit details of sexting. It was so explicit I cannot give an example withou explanition to the admin- bottom line, they had digital virtual sex... Nothing what my wife and myself have done could amount to what they have "digitally" done with huge amounts of lusts. Info how she treated me and saw me in this regard came out with disrespect, and the other cheaters towards his fiance. (BTW - I confronted him and all and all he just wanted to get in her pants)

So I rocked the boat. Confronted him and her.

Here is my concern.

1. My wife denied at first and changed over to harmless fun with a long time friend and they always made "jokes". A moral issue for me.
2. I started reading out the evidence - crying starts and I asked does she want to go or stay - she says stay and that she loves me. Soon afterwards, when I confront the other man he sends me a message showing my wifes number saying "sorry for the drama queen, I told him about our relationship (referring to joking relations) before" Could this be bad judgement in her emotions or is she playing me?
3. My primate sense of taking her back as possession kicks in after two days and not sure if that was the right thing to do.
4. I told her that if I was to stay with her - counseling will happen or else I tell her parents (Her father, being who he is have major major issues with infidelity). She said the next day she will go to counseling but have told her parents anyway so that I could not use it. I am smarter and knew (already confirmed) that if it was true on a parents part, she told her mom she technically cheated, and her hypocritical mom justified it. Is this another red flag not showing real remorse?
5. She has denied to the counselor that we have marital problems - If anyone knows how this will work- we are going to the counselor together soon and should I prepare like a court case, or will he take lead?
6. She has her phoned blocked with a pin after I caught her - blaming me she cannot trust me as I spy'd on her phone and she talks to her mom things that I must not see. I said to her I know they back mouth me and she said she is aloud to "discuss" those things and talk about me to her mom. 
7. A side note pointer - She discussed and put a agreement in place that we must commit to 3 x weekly intimacy and hold each other accountable lets come Friday per say. It well started off week one twice, then third week once and then as suspected nothing, no commitment. This was done four days after I caught her out. She mentioned to the other cheater and joked how she purposely rejected me from intimacy the last four years. 

Could my wife be playing games, knowing that I will soon be able to buy her earthly things? Or does some people not understand love and marriage? I'm putting this out there for any insight rather than my own as I may be blinded to some obvious- and yes, if I'm not satisfied that I become nr 1 and with boundaries, I will be taking steps. Just not sure where I should draw the line?

And from my side - I want to have the serious intimacy that I am willing to give as the same as she gave away so cheaply. Can I consider her lying if she tells me she is not interested in being so physical as what she expressed to the other guy?

Thank you


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Chguy

Your wife seriously needs therapy.

You also need to keep the her parents at bay. Neither of them are a positive influence.

I also think you should consult an attorney so your assets and your kids future is not put at so much risk due to your wifes selfish, psychotic behavior.

Be firm with your wife, enforce consequences for her bad behavior and due what ever it takes to preserve your families future.

HM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Her family is toxic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Her family are not supportive of the marriage. Neither is your wife. The disrespect of you as a husband is almost unbelievable from all sides.

I would seriously consider divorce. Get your kids out of this toxic environment.

With a lock on her phone, she is surely back to sexting with the Other Man. She is cheating on you and is not sorry about it. Where is this OM? Can she easily meet in person if she wants to do so? Does your wife have a job?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@CHGUY

If this OM is within 50 miles of your wife he will have the opportunity to fvck her and she will facilitate it.

She has lost ALL respect for you and her biology is forcing her to lust after the more perceived alpha male.

You are plan B. The question is will you STILL be around when she decides to hump this guy like a rabbit.

Or will you have already divorced this broken and immoral cheater and have a new life already well underway.

She sounds like a lost cause and far MORE trouble than SHE is worth. She's a remorseless liar and no longer loves you.

She just uses you now like a tool. Contact an attorney right away and end this toxic relationship. It's over OP. Accept it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Divorce and sue for as much custody of the kids as you can possibly get.

Your children have one line of defence against growing up with a totally skewed sense of reality, and that's you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

In sorry. The disrespect shown while cheating shows how she truly feels.

You should not ever accept this.

The phone block confirms her disrespect. She know she is in charge and will do as she pleases.

She is sexually turned on by dominating you and denying you sex while bragging about cuckolding you with the POSOM. This is MY absolute deal breaker. I am not a sub hub (look it up that's what she's made you).

Your consideration for her was her fuel to abuse your relationship and feelings.

Protect your assets and kids NOW!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

CHGUY said:


> I want to have the serious intimacy that I am willing to give as the same as she gave away so cheaply. Can I consider her lying if she tells me she is not interested in being so physical as what she expressed to the other guy?


You need to consider that everything out of her mouth may be a lie. Some even to herself. 

Make it clear that she has been unfaithful and disrespectful to you. 

IF (and make sure she knows that it's an if) you decide to reconcile with her, she needs to appreciate that as a gift you are giving her. 

She must agree to certain conditions. Think these out carefully. You don't want to burden it with meaningless things that can be said and not monitored. Be concrete, such as seeing her doctor regularly. Staying on her medications as prescribed. Make a list of her 'joke friends' and she needs to have no further contact with them. Think about conditions that would make you feel safe and demonstrate to you that she is serious about making the marriage work.

If she doesn't agree, stop wasting your time and energy and get a divorce. It won't get better if she doesn't want it to.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Get custody of the kids.

Get a divorce and run.

Stop playing around. Talk to a lawyer and find out what you need to do. She will not stay faithful to you. She locked the phone after you caught her so she can hide what she is doing with OM. Let the OM's girl know what is going on!!! Do not leave her in the dark. Sounds like your wife is using you for her own purpose.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wouldn't it be a hoot to get a burner phone and use it to start false sexting the OM/OW? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jigga114 (Mar 15, 2015)

CHGuy, your wife has shown you who she really is, believe her. Your side bar says that you are in S. Africa. If you do not mind, are you and your ww from different races, because that may explain her parent's toxicity to your marriage.

Do not make long term decisions so soon after discovery, especially if you are convinced that you do not have the entire truth. From what you wrote about your ww's behavior, I am not convinced you have the truth. If you did, why would she need to keep a code on her phone. Her reason for that is horse sh*t, and you know it. In fact, I would not be overly surprised if she is still continuing the A under your nose. Look at the text data from your cell phone provider to see who she has been texting and receiving texts from since you discovered her infidelity.

You know your ww better than strangers on the internet, so only you can really answer the question about her being a gold digger. What strangers on the internet can tell you though from what you have told us is that your ww is not remorseful in the least. That text she sent lover boy after your confrontation should tell you all you need to know. Visist a lawyer and get informed about your rights, and protect yourself. Good luck.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Protect yourself, protect your assets, and most importantly protect your kids.

Nothing about this situation seems appealing. Get out now. Document everything.

Her family history is all you need to know. Maybe with years and years of therapy she can be a good wife and mother. Maybe not. Not a roll of the dice I would take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Therapists generally can't work with a cheating spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

She's waiting for you to get the beach house dude.

You caught her cheating, and you still allow her to lock her phone???

As Bry would say " if you don't have respect for yourself, don't expect anyone else to."

You need to file until she break ALL contact with her toxic family and the pos she texted.

If you can,slow down the speed of you success until you have gotten her out of your life.

You as she see it, is just a pay check.


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

Pull the rip cord and bail out (divorce) as soon as possible. Do whatever it takes to protect your kids and fight for full custody. Your wife and her family are extremely toxic and you are the only solid foundation for the kids - focus on them. Sorry to hear about your situation.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

All advice given is done so mostly by people who have been in your shoes, so it would be wise to heed it.
After an affair is discovered the wayward spouse should be totally transparent if they are committed to healing the marriage/relationship. That means that she/he would give you access any time you ask for it to their mobile phone, give you all passwords for any online social account (Facebook/email etc) and be accountable for their whereabouts at all times to make YOU feel comfortable. Now is about gaining back the trust that they lost, and if she loves you this is exactly what she should be doing.
Her actions scream quite the opposite I'm afraid.
Putting a pin on her mobile because YOU can't be trusted??? Come on!
Also, her ridiculously poisonous family need to mind their business- they can't help but feel anger or hate towards you if all they are hearing is negative bullsh!t from their daughter. And it's a shame that they seem the type of people to perpetuate this terrible treatment of you.
This marriage is over unless she makes some MASSIVE changes but OP she doesn't seem the type to be able to distance herself from her parents and that's the number 1 thing she needs to do.
Good luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My wx wife started sexting multiple other men and sending nude pics to them, after telling me for 2 months I was a bad husband and she wanted a divorce and it was all my fault. Within 4 days of me discovering this, she was STILL talking to them, though she told me she wanted to work things out. I asked her to leave, because I couldn't take that, although it killed me to do it. It took all my strength to watch that cheating ***** walk out the door.
Once they start sexting, it means they are devoid of all feelings for you. You repulse her. My ex had sex with me every night up to the day she left. It was purely physical for her. She even told me so. She wouldn't kiss me. Told me she wasn't attracted to me and just wanted sex because I was "so attentive" in the things I did to her. I was hysterical bonding. That repulsed her. She said so. I had no idea until 4 days before the end what was really going on, although I asked her repeatedly what was really going on.

I'm sorry, but if you want the truth, it's that your wife not only has no love for you, but she will take advantage of your love and take from you everything she can. Divorce and move on. You will be forced to eventually. If you wait, you will just be worse off by far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As long as her phone stays locked.....you sir..... are being played!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It took me about three sentences of your post to know that you have to get rid of her and try to save your children.

Don't wait. Do it now.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Are you in a "at fault" divorce state? this could be your ticket to freedom.
yeah I know you'd rather suffer the good fight, if so you're just going to take all the affairs as they happen.
work to improve your own life, avoid being depend on "family" for validation, create your own fun and interests, become the "alpha" in something you value.

good luck.


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Hi, thanks for the clarity
1. We are going to therapy as my last resort – my therapist knows this. I think with the advice given it seems clear that in case of a miracle breakthrough my wife will stay broken goods. Obviously my emotions play a big role and for that I put the advice question out there, to ease my mind on my decision I need to make. 
2. My assets are “off” my name for the time being, as well as the exit plan of the marriage and kids. (her dad has a domestic violence against him from the his neighbour- yet again a type of life I’m not used to), but my kids won’t be living there with their mother and only place she will be able to go.
3. On the race question, we differ from Afrikaans to English (Scott to Welsh kind of thing) my in-laws both grew up in the exact situation. They are just the typical nasty folk sitting in the front row of church. 
4. The other cheater lives fairly far away and she was not able to see him at least 9 to 12 months if not longer. I do not know if they are still communicating, but will soon find out (SA you cannot retrieve messages from provider unless with a serious crime warrant).
5. By the conversation on the phone it seems they never referred to any actual intercourse, rather than they could not wait to finally do it other than, supposedly touching themselv…. You get the picture… But not sure if it is off? 
6. All in all I think more clearly than my emotions allow now, hence asking for insight. Not that she’s bad all 100percent of her, but she has not met the requirements after cheating- the password. Look I’m obviously not perfect, but just regular husband working hard and also I do make effort with kids and her- (Must admit I did the “give up and avoid her/confrontation” thing in the past, but sure as hell I do not neglect her needs for a long time already.) She is trying to “work” on the marriage etc, but not everything adds up as already said in the post- If she defends the pin and her parents- as well as not fully plead for my forgiveness by showing it truly- and the same passion as the cheater (if I can manage to forgive her, I am divorcing. And that I have already told her… Being the complex damaged goods she is, the therapist will mediate the pin, wrongs etc. I don’t think she had a real good moral upbringing? And I’m not really soft on her or the Mr Nice Guy- and in her dream world I do not think she realizes that I am not making jokes about this. 

Thanks again for everyone, my mind seems at ease now, thanks…


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck with therapy. I hope there are breakthroughs.

IMO it's all a charade to put on a happy face. Keeping her phone locked tells you so. It should all be an open book.

Hoping for the best for you and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Seperate any joint finances to you only and stop supporting her financially. 

The fact that you busted her cheating and she still keeps a lock on her phone is completely unacceptable. This indicates she has not stopped cheating.

Get legal advice. Bar her parents from coming over and avoid them in general.

I understand you most likely want to reconcile with her but unless you take some tough measures to snap her out of the fog and the obvious disrespect she has for you she will eventually take you to the cleaners.

Hope you read up here and take the advice on offer. 

Most here have been through this nightmare and your situation is no different.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do the therapy for you, get yourself to a better place so you can be an great father and man.
Your wife has to sort herself out she is no longer your concern
Do the 180 as of now and only deal with financial and children's matter to emotionally detach
Tell all her family, your family friends, etc of what she has done, expose her so she cannot rewrite history
Seek legal advice and start the proceedings, organise somewhere safe for the kids to live.

Good luck


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

The unlocked phone is NOT for an MC to decide.

Do you not get that ??

She cheated, and you actually accept her crap about not trusting you ??


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Hi, thank you every one for advice- 
Update: The MC is there for mediating as my wife's reasoning is a bit off and pouring fuel on the fire would not have helped. I don't think it is unreasonable to have the counseling demanded by me as the last resort before divorce consideration is final. 
I have full access to her phones now which she voluntary gave me and can confirm that om contact on these devices is and have been gone for a while now (data recovering at least confirms this too). Lastly, the the not trusting of me mentality from her is also one of the deciding factors of divorce going hand in hand with blaming me for something her dad has done to scorn our marriage. If it was not for the kids, I would have pulled the plug long ago, but the reality is that I had to get to the bottom of this which is now. Thanks everybody.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CHGUY said:


> She has her phoned blocked with a pin after I caught her - blaming me she cannot trust me as I spy'd on her phone


I stopped reading after this.

"Wife, either you unblock your phone and any other electronics RIGHT NOW, or I'm leaving to go straight to a lawyer for a divorce. Your choice."

There IS no reconciliation unless she unblocks her phone. 

None.

ETA. You say you have full access now. Does that mean she unblocked the phone?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry to say this my friend but you are blind,no hard feelings.

Also you are not into MC. because she is still lying to you and you will never find the truth.

Third thing - now she blames you !!! 

If you think staying in this marriage will help your kids you are wrong my friend. This will even cause more trouble and pain for them and you.

File for Divorce and move on.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Have you actually sat down and reviewed a post divorce, co-parenting, custody ? Have you reach searched the laws of your state concerning how custody and asset division is decided ? If you have what have you done to position yourself to maximize first custody for you and then minimizing asset loss?


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Hi, yes I have done my homework regarding divorce.
I have full access to her phone and every single detail on my computer (legally with consent) so that helps.
I can take her parents and another family member to court as well and at this stage intend to do so.
She is cooperating with everything and moving forward. The MC is straight forward marriage counseling to see if there is a chance-
else I divorce her. I am the one throwing the D-card, with serious intent and this is clear to her. It has been made very clear to her what the consequences are. She knows that I have enough dirt 
to can her, and gave it to me herself. (trying to show transparency. This is a better sign already) I am tech savvy and she gave the phone to me for the last three days to root and hack... So i could retrieve all history and deleted messages, call logs, contact logs, network logs etc. This is more than what most get to do to a phone that has been used for affair.
First when confronted with decision of divorcing or not, it seems like a huge emotional burden of what is the right decision. With the help of the TAM community my decision have become clear and the emotional tug of war lifted. So I am facing the thing head on. So far she has kept to my demands now except for two things. The counselor is a MD, another reason I have to commit in following through on the counseling regarding my wife's history and actions before I can completely give up. To make it clear, this is my wife's only final chance with me.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Page 1 sounded bad, CHGUY. You've done a lot of things right and her being transparent is a big help. The therapy is badly needed. She also needs to decide if she wants to stay with her toxic family or become stable with you. My wife left the toxicity of her job and OM. She has been doing great with transparency for the past two weeks. We've got months of therapy to do.

Anyone SO's phone should never be locked from the other SO, period!

Just thinking about how that started happening to me, is starting to make my blood boil... I'm outta here!


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