# Husband has mental issues.



## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

This will be my first post. Be for warned, it is lengthy.

My husband and I have 2 beautiful children, 6 and 2. From an outsider, we look like the perfect little family. I am a stay-at home mom and my H is a recruiter in the military. He was recently diagnosed with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). He has been on two tours, one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. The one in Iraq was what F'ed him up. He was blown up numerous times and saw things I couldn't imagine. I suspect he also has a mild case of PTSD. (Before recruiting, he was field artillary/infantry.) This happened around 6 years ago. He never sought council and has been slowly degressing in a direction that makes me more than uncomfortable.

Rewind, back before his first deployment, I had discovered some infidelity on his part when we were engaged while I was pregnant with my son, I discovered this after we were married. He lied about it for a long time until I found proof. I took it hard, I discovered this a Month after we were married and 3 weeks after I had given birth. Needless to say, the next several months were a nightmare. I had also just moved 4 thousand miles away for his military career, and he was still talking to the OW to boot! When he deployed, I am ashamed to admit, I cheated with an ex boyfriend. I came clean and we were immediately seperated. We R, however never sought out a MC. Bad move on our part.

He has acted OK, up until his most recent return from Afghanistan last year in April. The first night he was back, we fell into a nasty argument that ended on a horrible assault. He started blubbering and saying weird things that made absolutely no sense. Then, he raped and sodomized me. Afterwards, he left to clean up. When he left, I was fortunate enough to find my phone quickly and hid in the bathroom and called 911. He discovered me shortly after while I was on the phone and started beating on the door, I was terrified! I thought he was going to kill me! He was sent to solitary confinement for 24 hours. Afterwards, he said he didn't remember a thing, I believe him. We put it behind us, hastily, but it obviously hasn't gone away. We moved shortly thereafter, and promised to seek council. We forgot about it by the time we moved. That was 7 montgs ago, now he has gone away to school and has brought to my attention my depressed state of mind and how I am always angry with him. He says, "I'm not sure if I want to be with you anymore." Well, I honestly forgot the f'ed up incident and did some soul searching, discovered why I was being such a reclusive b!tch and relayed my thoughts to him. He stopped bringing up my bad past behavior after that. I made it clear that we needed to omit conversation unless it's about our children or finances until his return. I have also stated vehemently that we both need counceling when he returns, he has agreed but doesn't sound willing, just agreeable. I also need to add that he has told me numerously since his recent departure that he can't stop thinking about my affair 4 years ago. Also, it was short lived, haven't had a thought about OM since, except that it was a massively HUGE mistake on my part. I have shown only love and passion towards my H since the affair (except in the past several months in my depressive state). What is weird to me, is how one 6 week trip can all of a sudden bring on this thought process for him. Recruiting school is extremely stressful, the doctors were wary of him even going. They said stress can be a trigger to cause his TBI to bring thinking out of the norm, or 'psychological weirdness'; my personal expression. Keep in mind, he was diagnosed 3 days befor he left for school. He will be home in 10 days, I'm not sure what to expect or what to do. I am not looking for sympathy or scrutany, only sound advice. Thanks in advance!


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

I forgot to add: we have been together for 8 years, married 7.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband assaulted you in one of the most horrible ways possible. Why are you even still with him?

Even if he does not remember it, there is no excuse for what he did. I really find it hard to believe that he does not remember. If he suffers TBI to that extend he is a danger to others.

What kind of a support system do you have outside of him?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You called 911 and no charges were brought against him? I'm assuming his superiors were notified? I don't know much about how military "law" works, but I can't believe that they would not require counseling and reprimand him in some way other than just 24 hour solitary...

I don't know how you can just put something like that behind you... You have children as well - you don't need him doing something to them and "not remember"...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

None, unfortunately . I am looking but it is hard to find in this area. I am a strong individual, and find solice in the fact that I can handle strenuous parts of my life in a relatively lax way. That is why I believe I have handled it better than most. However, my mental state is not healthy, even though I try to stay as positive as I can, it is just not possible. We do not make much, we are blessed with Tri-care, thanks to his military career. I am offered free psychological help, I succumbed to my first visit before he left. But, they are strict here on post as far as children are concerned, they only allow child visitation if the child is the one at need for medical assistance, otherwise, they are not permitted. I am new to the area, I have no friends in the area to watch them, and do not have the financial stability to hire a babysitter; therefore, I must wait until his return to continue with my treatment. Also, I am afraid of bringing up the rape to the councilor, he can easily end my husband's career with charges. He is my only hope of $$ at this time.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

To answer your question, I am still with him because I believe in the sanctity of marriage; through sickness and in health, he is obviously sick (in the head), I cannot leave him for something he cannot help. Plus, I feel terrible for betraying him, I only want what is best for him. Leaving him would only worsen his current state of mind.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



YinPrincess said:


> You called 911 and no charges were brought against him? I'm assuming his superiors were notified? I don't know much about how military "law" works, but I can't believe that they would not require counseling and reprimand him in some way other than just 24 hour solitary...
> 
> I don't know how you can just put something like that behind you... You have children as well - you don't need him doing something to them and "not remember"...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Charges were brought up, I made sure they didn't hold. Primarily for the sake of his career.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

The counselor could end his career? The call to 911 should have done that - and you would have nothing to feel guilty about. I know civilians don't even have a choice to file charges like this once the police are involved. Often the DA will take the report and file charges whether you want to or not. Was a report made? Did you tell them everything he did, or did you only disclose things that wouldn't get him into too much trouble? You need to go to his Superior and tell him what's going on. He can require counseling, psych eval and whatever else he needs. Is your husband in the process of being medically discharged? What exactly is his current position?

I can understand feeling stuck and alone, especially with children... But I am sure there are functions the wives put together that can help you build a support system and possible get you help with childcare, etc. Have you applied for any employment positions on-base? Before you can worry about what's best for your husband you need to think about what is best for you, and then what is best for your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SouthernGrown said:


> To answer your question, I am still with him because I believe in the sanctity of marriage; through sickness and in health, he is obviously sick (in the head), I cannot leave him for something he cannot help. Plus, I feel terrible for betraying him, I only want what is best for him. Leaving him would only worsen his current state of mind.


There is usually a very low cost child care center on base for military famillies. I used to work at one years ago. Check with the other wives in your husband's unit. I'm sure some of them need child care as well. Maybe you can trade off with some of them.

The sanctity of marriage does not protect him when he assaults you.

You are not handling the assault better than others do. It's causing you problems, it's obvious that you are reacting as anyone would. It's causing you problem.

What are you going to do that next time he uses his TBI and PTSD as an excuse to harm you? What if he does this to harm your children? 

Are you living in the USA? There has to be a non-military facility for battered women. They usually have sliding scale and even free counseling and child care for when you go to appointments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> The counselor could end his career? The call to 911 should have done that - and you would have nothing to feel guilty about. I know civilians don't even have a choice to file charges like this once the police are involved. Often the DA will take the report and file charges whether you want to or not. Was a report made? Did you tell them everything he did, or did you only disclose things that wouldn't get him into too much trouble? You need to go to his Superior and tell him what's going on. He can require counseling, psych eval and whatever else he needs. Is your husband in the process of being medically discharged? What exactly is his current position?
> 
> I can understand feeling stuck and alone, especially with children... But I am sure there are functions the wives put together that can help you build a support system and possible get you help with childcare, etc. Have you applied for any employment positions on-base? Before you can worry about what's best for your husband you need to think about what is best for you, and then what is best for your children.


My take on this is that he was arrested by civilian police, not military police. So his command never found out what happened.

The OP can clear this up if I'm wrong.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

SouthernGrown said:


> Charges were brought up, I made sure they didn't hold. Primarily for the sake of his career.


How did you do that? And... Because of what he did to you, he may no longer be competant for his career... You know? He could harm someone else, or worse...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> My take on this is that he was arrested by civilian police, not military police. So his command never found out what happened.
> 
> The OP can clear this up if I'm wrong.


I'm fairly certain if he was arrested by civilian police she would not have had a "choice" whether or not those charges stick... Something strange about this part of the story to me... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

OK, to clarify the exact events of what happened after I dialed 911.

My husband began banging on the door asking who I was speaking to. After he put 2and 2 together, he became more angry and forceful (with the door). MP (military police) arrive and ask me questions. I answer truthfully. I was in shock and gave them the ugly truth. They, in returned called CID (it's sort of like FBI for military). I told them my story and tgey took me to the hospital for tests. It was obvious I had been raped. They took me home. There was a lot more to the story, for ex. CPS was involved, but it is mostly irrelevent. Anyways, the next day H contacts me from MJ (military jail), explaining he didn't remember anything and how sorry he was. I had finally gotten sleep and thought about the consequences, I recanted my statement and it was a 2 month process of pure hell. All in all, I had gotten my husband and my family out of a bad situation. He promised me full support and psychological help. We were forced to see a councilor who sided with us, but we moved shortly after. The end...


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

Also, I noticed a few of y'all asking about how "I" was able to get him out of this mess, he is a highly respected soldier, amongst not only his own soldiers, but his superiors as well. His superiors helped keep this on the DL, I have no idea how, he has a way with these things, always has.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SouthernGrown said:


> Also, I noticed a few of y'all asking about how "I" was able to get him out of this mess, he is a highly respected soldier, amongst not only his own soldiers, but his superiors as well. His superiors helped keep this on the DL, I have no idea how, he has a way with these things, always has.


"he has a way with this things, always has." Does this mean that there have been other things that he had done and then gotten out of?


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



EleGirl said:


> There is usually a very low cost child care center on base for military famillies. I used to work at one years ago. Check with the other wives in your husband's unit. I'm sure some of them need child care as well. Maybe you can trade off with some of them.
> 
> The sanctity of marriage does not protect him when he assaults you.
> 
> ...


Good idea! I will look into that! I definitely need help, this sounds like the best route to take. I am worried about his current mental state. I have informed my mother, and she has expressed concern for my well being, mostly in the fact that he has past aggressive behavior.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell us about his past agressive behavior.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



EleGirl said:


> "he has a way with this things, always has." Does this mean that there have been other things that he had done and then gotten out of?


Yes! Small things that have nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with his career. Mostly, when he was deployed, there are many political aspects that have to do with "etiquette" in handling certain situations when overseas. Apparently, a group of guys (him included) did not handle a situation correctly and were deemed "unfit" for the military. He was able to get out of that because of his superior officers.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

SouthernGrown said:


> Also, I noticed a few of y'all asking about how "I" was able to get him out of this mess, he is a highly respected soldier, amongst not only his own soldiers, but his superiors as well. His superiors helped keep this on the DL, I have no idea how, he has a way with these things, always has.





SouthernGrown said:


> Charges were brought up, I made sure they didn't hold. Primarily for the sake of his career.


You kind of implied here that you, indeed, are the one who prevented charges from sticking.

I don't see how, with a report, medical examination, and a 911 call (which are recorded) could have been thrown out, even though you recanted your statement. If what you say is true, you've not only been victimized by your husband, but also law enforcement. And yourself!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



YinPrincess said:


> You kind of implied here that you, indeed, are the one who prevented charges from sticking.
> 
> I don't see how, with a report, medical examination, and a 911 call (which are recorded) could have been thrown out, even though you recanted your statement. If what you say is true, you've not only been victimized by your husband, but also law enforcement. And yourself!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure what your point is? I'm not trying to play the victim. If you read my original post, I'm simply asking for advice. I've done wrong as well to my H. I guess I feel I deserve what I've been dealt. Karma is a b!tch.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

If he has a history of aggression it's best to get yourself and him the help you need by whatever means necessary. Your children need you both to be healthy...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



EleGirl said:


> Tell us about his past agressive behavior.


As far as I know, besides other "brawls" with men, there are none. Especially not with women, if anything he us against domestic violence.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

SouthernGrown said:


> I'm not sure what your point is? I'm not trying to play the victim. If you read my original post, I'm simply asking for advice. I've done wrong as well to my H. I guess I feel I deserve what I've been dealt. Karma is a b!tch.


I've offered advice. I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from... You seem to think his career is more important than yourself! Sorry, but screw that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



YinPrincess said:


> I've offered advice. I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from... You seem to think his career is more important than yourself! Sorry, but screw that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right, I'm aware of my delusions. Which is why I am try to seek council. I guess I was hoping to reach someone in a similar situation, or at least someone who has dealt with someone with a TBI or even someone who has been in an Abusive relationship...


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



YinPrincess said:


> If he has a history of aggression it's best to get yourself and him the help you need by whatever means necessary. Your children need you both to be healthy...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

SouthernGrown said:


> You're right, I'm aware of my delusions. Which is why I am try to seek council. I guess I was hoping to reach someone in a similar situation, or at least someone who has dealt with someone with a TBI or even someone who has been in an Abusive relationship...


Well, I've had my own history of an abusive relationship, and as far as TBI, I haven't been involved personally, but I've been there when my sister and her husband (who has TBI and is medically discharged) went through their own history of domestic abuse... Which is why I find it incredible that your husband just walked away with a 24 hour under his belt. His Command should have included orders (for counseling) when he was re-stationed... And I'm pretty sure they would have done a Psych to determine his competancy...

In either case, it doesn't matter. What matters is you get some help with or without him and figure out why you think it's okay to let these things slide. That concerns me the most...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



YinPrincess said:


> Well, I've had my own history of an abusive relationship, and as far as TBI, I haven't been involved personally, but I've been there when my sister and her husband (who has TBI and is medically discharged) went through their own history of domestic abuse... Which is why I find it incredible that your husband just walked away with a 24 hour under his belt. His Command should have included orders (for counseling) when he was re-stationed... And I'm pretty sure they would have done a Psych to determine his competancy...
> 
> In either case, it doesn't matter. What matters is you get some help with or without him and figure out why you think it's okay to let these things slide. That concerns me the most...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't exactly say "I let these things slide", I would say I completely swept them under the rug and tried to forget it ever happened. Which is wrong! A light bulb went off a few weeks back as to why I was behaving in the manner I was, and now I am clear as to why I'm such a mess! I wish I would have clarified this sooner. I am thankful for all of the replies. Thanks again, I appreciate all of your input.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I wish you the best of luck! Structure a detailed plan of action for yourself. Make sure your children are safe and do what needs done. I know it's easier said than done, (I have been there - would never want anyone to go through what I went through). Start by getting help/counseling/childcare, etc. You being your mental best is what is best for you and your children. Perhaps move on to employment when you feel ready, as long as the home-life is stable. Encourage your husband to seek Psych and Medical treatments for his condition(s). Report any new events as necessary... No rug-sweeping.

Keep us updated on how things go... Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

Update:

Although I have set boundaries until his return, he continues to blatently step over them and when I protest, he belittles me and says I'm not "supportive". This has been going on for several weeks, tonight I decided when he called to speak with our 6yo son, not to answer the phone and hung up when my son handed the phone back to me after their short conversation. When H called back I handed the phone over to my son to answer it, my son then followed me into the kitchen saying "daddy wants to talk to you". I said, "tell daddy I'm busy cooking dinner". My son then said, "he really needs to talk to you". So I took the phone, my H then spat "so this is how it's going to be??" I then said, "I thought this is how you wanted it. Nothing I do or say pleases you anymore, I can't seem to do anything right!" Then he asked to talk to my son and hung up when my son handed the phone back to me after their conversation. I remembered something I forgot to ask, so called back, but he clearly ignored my call, so I asked him in a text which he coldly responded to. 

I am concerned here. My H is a co-dependent and NEEDS desperately to feel in control, I refuse to allow it. He never asked to talk to our son until I noticed his change in attitude and set boundaries of non-communication. (This is his way of trying to feel in control.) I am also concerned he is only pro longing the marriage because he is afraid of losing custody due to his disgusting behavior last April. I'm sick of the whole thing, he has lied and avoided me since his leave, I know he is hiding something but I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is! His childish behavior is characteristic of his tendancy to put the blame on me. He is constantly pushing me away, I know this is because he is angry at something he has done that he knows is wrong.

He is only like this when he is trying to hide something.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It might be better to answer th phone yourself and not risk putting your son in an awkward position by being the middle man. Does he speak civilly to your son? If you answer and he gets aggressive just say youd rather talk when he's calmed down and hang up. 

If he's hiding something could it be an OW? Or has he been found out at work? Where is he living? What about getting counselling for yourself? You cannot do anything about what he thinks or does, just be sure to protect yourself? Is he still supporting you financially?


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



Chopsy said:


> It might be better to answer th phone yourself and not risk putting your son in an awkward position by being the middle man. Does he speak civilly to your son? If you answer and he gets aggressive just say youd rather talk when he's calmed down and hang up.
> 
> If he's hiding something could it be an OW? Or has he been found out at work? Where is he living? What about getting counselling for yourself? You cannot do anything about what he thinks or does, just be sure to protect yourself? Is he still supporting you financially?


I think you are right, it is best for me to answer the phone. I was having a bad day yesterday and didn't even want to hear his voice. I wasn't trying to make my son the "middle man". I listen at a distance and can hear most of his conversation, as far as I can tell, he is civil while speaking to our son. There are some questionable things he asks that make me wonder if he is trying to pry information out of him, but I have nothing to hide so it doesn't bother me too much. I just hope for my kid's sake, he (my son) doesn't catch on.

As for a possible OW, I don't know. I have checked his online phone records and found no alarming phone numbers. However, that doesn't mean anything, the government has graciously given him a seperate cell phone for his job. He is only supposed to use it for work, but he could easily get away with mildly abusing that rule, and I do not have access to those records, unfortunately. He is currently in SC for recruiting school, so I am left just to wonder and fret. I plan to get immediate council when he returns, I cannot afford a babysitter so I will have to wait until then (next week). Yes, we share a bank account and he has not cut me off, after all, I am a stay-at-home mom with two small children. 

As far as protecting myself goes, I have set up a seperate bank account and have a small amount of money in it for any sort of emergency, my family isn't too close, but they are supportive, I could easily take my little ones and drive there, if it became necessary.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

I forgot to mention about some clues as to why I am suspicious of the possibilities of OW.

A few weeks back while I was on the phone with him, I heard a very distinct chime that I could only guess what a cell phone text. When I asked him what it was, he claimed it was the TV. An obvious lie, considering I heard no noised before or after that.

I could only chalk it up to be A. His gov. cell phone, but why would he lie unless it was something he didn't want me to know? (He claimed his gov. Cell phone was turned off and in his locker.) Or B. Someone else was in his dorm with him and it was their cell phone I heard. However, he claimed he was alone. I seriously doubt he would lie if another guy was in his room with him, so if this were the case, my guess would be the person was female.

On top of all of this, he claims he goes to bed at 8, but according to his online phone records, he is up waaay past that. Also, before I made arrangements not to speak on a personal level, he would sometimes completely ignore my texts/calls while obviously texting other people. (Again, online phone records confirms this.)

This all on top of his deflecting and pushing me away. Thoughts? It's frustrating because we are so far apart and I cannot properly investigate my speculations.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He is using your affair as an excuse to do anything he wants.


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## SouthernGrown (Feb 26, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband has mental issues.*



Bobby5000 said:


> He is using your affair as an excuse to do anything he wants.


I know. That's what upsets me. Plus, he completely dismisses HIS affair, although we weren't yet married, it was just that, an affair! Whether he wants to admit it or not.


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