# Dare ya to answer!



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Ok. Here goes. I am wanting all you guys to be honest and tell if you have ever cheated, how many times (meaning how many partners) and I'd also like to know if lying to your mate/spouse is or ever has been a way of life, and if looking at porn is as well. My intent is not to compile incriminating evidence or to "man bash," I am just thinking the problems I have experienced with my mate are probably VERY common and widespread. If you have NOT done the above mentioned things, I would be tickled to know that as well. Just attempting to gain some perspective. 

Thanks in advance for your candor


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Additionally, if you felt comfortable and answered "yes" to any of it, I would love to know your reasons/motives no matter how simple/elaborate they may be so that I may gain some insight that will help me in any future relationships I may be involved in. Thanks again


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I haven't cheated. But I think what you seek is some kind of validation or evidence of what you see as a gender-based weakness.

But you will not find that!

Cheaters can be either sex.

Abysmal behavior can be exhibited by men or women.

On the flip side, anyone can be a good person.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I agree michzz. COMPLETELY! I am just searching for info. for MY particular situation. I do not mean to offend or blame these traits on a gender, but I guess I am guilty of believing that cheating is perhaps more prevalent with men than women. I will check my facts before I dare make such an assumption. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Never cheated and never will. I really don't even get why people cheat. If I'm not feeling connected or getting sex from my wife, I tell her not cheat on her. 

Reading a lot of the stories, there are a lot of patterns. The people who cheat are usually not the ones that feel like they are in charge of monitoring and fixing the problems in the relationship. Normally, women do that or so I'm told. I do it in my marriage.

I've only really looked at porn when I was single or in a slow/no sex patch.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's my understanding that amongst women under 40 that it is a statistical dead heat between genders regarding admitting to it.

Over 40 it is not so, but likely because less women are candid about their cheating in the 40 and up crowd.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Yes, michzz! It appears that all percentages being equal, (or within 5%) that when it DOES appear to be "man heavy," it's because the women lie more, and are better at not getting caught! LOL. Jokes on me!!!!!!!!


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Kcrat said:


> I agree michzz. COMPLETELY! I am just searching for info. for MY particular situation. I do not mean to offend or blame these traits on a gender, but I guess I am guilty of believing that cheating is perhaps more prevalent with men than women. I will check my facts before I dare make such an assumption. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it


There will be no statistical relevance to the answers you get on this board. You'll have to look elsewhere for the answers you seek.

That said, I've never cheated and never will. I tried my hardest to not lie or hide things. 

When we were first married she got me a subscription to Playboy. When I read the magazine, it led to conflict, so after about 3 months, I stopped even opening the package. It was probably her controlling behavior, however I agree that porn can set false expectations and/or can lead to self esteem issues for some women (and men). To me, it's just not worth it. I have a pretty good imagination.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have never cheated. Lying is not a way of life.

Used to look at porn from time to time - sometimes alone and other times with my wife. Seems I do it less and less as I've gotten older. More likely to watch "soft" porn on Cinemax with my wife than hard porn.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm a romantic. I want to be loved. Anyone can get commercial tail.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I've never cheated, no.

Is looking at porn "a way of life?" I wouldn't say so. When I was single and no even seeing anyone, maybe. Since my wife entered the picture (and this same thing applied to my previous major relationship), I was open fairly early on about enjoying it, and she will occasionally watch with me. She not only accepts my perusal of porn, she will sometimes encourage it if she hits a low sex drive phase, or just doesn't quite feel "in the mood" but knows I am. She is fine with my Playboy and Penthouse subscriptions, as they cost less than buying at the newsstand, and checks out each new Playboy issue with me. In other words, we both have a smart, healthy perspective on porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

I have never cheated on my wife but I have looked at porn (both with my wife present and also by myself). Did I cheat on some girlfriends when I was younger (in my 20's)? Well, yeah. At that time, I was pretty much controlled by my genitalia. Sad but true. However, once I stopped valuing myself by how many women I could get into my bed, it became easier for me to resist those urges. And to that point, I would never cheat now. Even when my wife and I had "the dark times", cheating was not an option for me. I believe that when things get to the point where I want to cheat, I really should consider leaving. My feeling is this, I would rather explain to my wife why I am leaving than explain to her why I am cheating.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Thing is,

these statistics....

Whenever they say for example 60% of men cheat. What they fail to do is put it in any context.

i mean, for every man that does cheat, a woman has to be involved.

So without the context (ie 60% of men cheat and on average 9 times out of ten, the woman is in a relationship also) its not as meaningful, yuo can do anything with statistics to make it look better/worse either way.

Hard to explain what I mean here, but surely every man that cheats, they can't all be with women who are not in a relationship, therefore making the woman side of the argument less meaningful. And my main point is to include Vise Versa...

*Scratches head, but knows what he meant it to sound like*


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Kcrat said:


> Ok. Here goes. I am wanting all you guys to be honest and tell if you have ever cheated, how many times (meaning how many partners) and I'd also like to know if lying to your mate/spouse is or ever has been a way of life, and if looking at porn is as well. My intent is not to compile incriminating evidence or to "man bash," I am just thinking the problems I have experienced with my mate are probably VERY common and widespread. If you have NOT done the above mentioned things, I would be tickled to know that as well. Just attempting to gain some perspective.
> 
> Thanks in advance for your candor


Yes I cheated. I had one partner.

Actually, I was always a very honest person. Always thought that people who had affairs were terrible people. Knew a couple of people who had affairs, including my brother-in-law, and always looked down on them as being weak and dishonest people.

But after going through the issues I did in my marriage, I can say that while I feel cheating is NOT the solution to marital problems, I can see why the people I know cheated. There is a common theme through all of us that added to the breakdown of our marriages.

I also look at porn but that was not an issue in our marriage.

Was lying to my wife a way of life? No, but often I have left out details or not told her things that I knew would set her off.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

And by the way, I was one of those people who said "never cheated, never will". 

Until your marriage is really in the hopper you really will never know.


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

Have never cheated. Never thought about it.
I don't watch porn either. My wife and I have close to zero sex life. If I watched porn, I could only imagine that my wife could possibly be doing these things with another man.
It just brings up my insecurities.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Wow guys! You really have stepped up. Thank you so very much! I truly appreciate your candor, and perspective. @ Neil---I also thought of the fact that when a "man is cheating" there is a woman involved. I guess to be more specific, I meant a "Married man" and I guess a "Single woman" although technically if you are cheating with a married man, single or not, YOU'RE cheating WITH him and a possible family. @Orion--LOVED your statement about "I'd rather explain why I'm leaving, then why I cheated." LOVE IT! I was just about "done with men," but listening to you guys and your profound knowledge, truths, honestly, and wisdom, and I am realizing that my husband just does not have much depth or character at this time in his life, or maybe he never will. Thanks for making me believe there are GREAT GUYS OUT THERE! Good luck to each and every one of you!


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Just a guy. Love your comments. Yes, I loved your answer, but we have been in a sexless marriage for years. Guess I am a real idiot to think he wouldn't stray, but he did in lots of ways. Guess when I here you guys don't have it so great in the "sex dept." but you still remain true and faithful, I guess I thought that is how we were. Was not good, but I was working on things until all the discoveries! Keep that attitude forever. It matters, let me tell you!


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I know how to spell "hear." haha


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> And by the way, I was one of those people who said "never cheated, never will".
> 
> Until your marriage is really in the hopper you really will never know.



I don't have a lot of expectations in this, but I'm surprised I don't want to and haven't cheated and have never seriously entertained that idea. I think I didn't realize how important my commitment would be to me. I actually put up a lot of boundaries, probably too many, between myself and other women, b/c I don't trust myself.

OTOH, now that it looks very sure that we are going to separate, I'm quite mentally prepared to blow a hole in the bottom of this boat, but still haven't got any motivation to do that. Rather just be formally separated first, and not for legal/ "with-cause" reasons.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

nope, never cheated, never even thought it.
porn, yeah have looked, have a few videos (does that tell you how old they are!)


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> And by the way, I was one of those people who said "never cheated, never will".
> 
> Until your marriage is really in the hopper you really will never know.


2nd marriage is out the door (well, I see no hope of ever getting her back) never cheated, never will.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Crankshaw-I hate what you are going through. This separation/divorce stuff is "touch stuff." Hang in there. I believe things will get better and PLEASE keep the faith that "cheating" is NEVER a winning point for either party. Hang in there!


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

"Tough stuff." NEED MORE COFFEE!!!!! LOL


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> porn, yeah have looked, have a few videos (does that tell you how old they are!)


Ha, I just threw out some old vhs smut I had. I haven't owned a vcr in a long time!

I fronted a rock band all through my 20's but I never cheated, I took my vows seriously. Maybe a little too seriously


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

@kcrat- We haven't been intimate in 9 months. I can't imagine going years. Though sex has vanished for the time being, everything else is great! We get along well. We have fun together. We love eachother. She has been open to say that her sex drive is zero and she understands how hurtful it is. She has never been an open person. So when she opened up like that, I could see that it had hurt her too. To not have the feelings of intimacy for your spouse probably hurts. COnsidering how great the relationship is. 
She told her doc and her doc feels like she might have some kiond of disconnect emotionally. Maybe, matbe not. She has decided to speak with someone and see what happens. First appointment is tomorrow.

If sex is the only thing driving people then they aren't in the right relationship. If sex is the deal breaker in your marriage, there are other underlying issues causing the lack of intimacy. When you love someone, and really LOVE someone, you find ways to make things better. You fix what might be broken. If he/she doesn't take that first initiative, something else is wrong and it should be addressed. (just my opinion)


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

never cheated on my wife.

I was however cheated on by my very first girlfriend, at least 5 times that I found out about, that every knew about, but me, when I was 16-19. She would always throw on the tears and I fell for it, though after the last time I figured we were in an "open relationship" and started playing myself. But before I could even the score, she broke up with ME saying she couldn't trust me anymore. lol!

After her, I was a dog until I met my last gf, who became my current wife. Guess I must have been a real dog as my current wife during our last few months of struggle told me I was a "*****" when we first strated dating, which is why she doesn't like me talking to other woman now.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

havent cheated on wife, never will. but i am beginning to see how its possible, when your spouse drives you away.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Here goes:
No-never have cheated (have thought about it and have had the chance)
I look at porn at times. We've watched it together as well.
I've had 7 partners in total


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Kcrat said:


> Ok. Here goes. I am wanting all you guys to be honest and tell if you have ever cheated, how many times (meaning how many partners) and I'd also like to know if lying to your mate/spouse is or ever has been a way of life, and if looking at porn is as well. My intent is not to compile incriminating evidence or to "man bash," I am just thinking the problems I have experienced with my mate are probably VERY common and widespread. If you have NOT done the above mentioned things, I would be tickled to know that as well. Just attempting to gain some perspective.
> 
> Thanks in advance for your candor


3 separate partners. One was when I had decided in my mind that things were as good as over, the other two were after my wife and I had agreed to a separation but it hadn't yet occured due to extenuating circumstances.

As an FYI, one partner was in the tail end of her common law relationship, one was recently separated, and one was still in her marriage... Just more data for you. 

Lying was NOT a way of life for me, and I never would have expected I would do that. My wife was my first serious/committed relationship (18 years), and until this last year I'd never even kissed another woman since we started going out. My single biggest regret about all of this is that I wish I would have left PRIOR to having an affair, so I could have kept my integrity and honour.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and I take full blame for my decisions. While both of us failed to maintain a healthy marriage, it was my decision to step outside the marriage.

C


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

PBear said:


> Oh, and I take full blame for my decisions. While both of us failed to maintain a healthy marriage, it was my decision to step outside the marriage.
> 
> C


Owning it. Way to take responsibility. 
As wrong as you may have been to step out prior to finalizing the separation, it's just as important to forgive yourself when moving on.
Though I can't agree with how you went about it all, my hat's off to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

just_a_guy said:


> Owning it. Way to take responsibility.
> As wrong as you may have been to step out prior to finalizing the separation, it's just as important to forgive yourself when moving on.
> Though I can't agree with how you went about it all, my hat's off to you.


Thanks (I think), JAG.  

For me now, my focus is on understanding WHY I did something I never thought I would, and ensuring it isn't baggage I take to the next relationship. That is not acceptable to me. 

As far as forgiving goes, I don't beat myself up over the decisions I made. They were really really dumb decisions. But I never thought I'd make it through life without making a few of those. I can look back and understand why I made those decisions, even if they were the wrong ones. Kinda like looking back over a traffic accident you caused, and realizing that if you would have swerved left instead of right, you could have avoided it.

The biggest thing I took away from this is that our failure was based on a failure to communicate. Both of us. That caused a sh*tstorm of other issues, but there might have been a chance if we would have communicated about them effectively and early.

C


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

I have to say never cheated and never will. I can easily see how many could be tempted, most are just looking for some attention and sex. I'm not even sure I would feel guilty at this point. But either way I don't do it because I would not want it done to me. If need be I will end the marriage first.

I absolutely believe you can end a marriage over sex. It is one of our primary needs as men, we feel an emotional connection to our spouses through this process. Without it you just have a best friend / roommate who happens to be the opposite sex.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

I have never cheated, not on a wife or girlfriend. I do watch porn. It is a poor substitute for a poorer sex life.


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## kirby32 (Feb 21, 2011)

I have never and will not cheat. It seems like one of the cruelest things you could do to another person. 

I understand how it can get to that point. Being ignored and not having your needs met for long periods leaves you with a hole inside that needs to be filled. If your spouse isn't there for you it is in people's nature to look for it somewhere else.

I've looked at porn. The frequency I look has always been related to how much or little sex we are having and how well the marriage as a whole is going. The better things are, the less I look at it.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Kcrat said:


> Crankshaw-I hate what you are going through. This separation/divorce stuff is "touch stuff." Hang in there. I believe things will get better and PLEASE keep the faith that "cheating" is NEVER a winning point for either party. Hang in there!


cheating is the lowest act, cheaters are scum of the earth, so no, my attitude has not changed, still have my morals, yeah, going thru this rubbish a 2nd is worse than the 1st time, but hey, I can smile these days, and have a joke, a friend, a bloody good friend, asked me the other day if I was really OK, I told her what you see is what you get, no act, no mask.



Kcrat said:


> "Tough stuff." NEED MORE COFFEE!!!!! LOL


know that feeling :rofl:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Wrench said:


> Ha, I just threw out some old vhs smut I had. I haven't owned a vcr in a long time!
> 
> I fronted a rock band all through my 20's but I never cheated, I took my vows seriously. Maybe a little too seriously


haven't had a VHS plaer here for, gawd, 10 or more years, dunno why the videos are still here (neatly packed in a box!)


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