# I need your Input- Infidelity



## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

I am a MW in love with a MM. We met, feelings grew, etc etc. He has 2 young kids and I have one. 


I will take all the flaming that you want to fling. I am a terrible person for what I am doing, I know. I admit that I started this affair because I was bored in my marriage. My husband is a good man and I love him as such but I can't say that I am in love with him. We are good friends and we co-parent our child together but sadly, even way before my affair started, I realized that romantically, we were not meant to be. There is very little shared romantic attraction or connection between us. My marriage is low conflict thankfully and we do get along great, which is why I think we have remained together for this long but if I am going to be completely honest with myself, I would admit that I am simply not romantically attracted to my husband, for all his "greatness". He doesn't need to change anything about himself, he is awesome, just as he is, just not for me. 


Why not divorce, you might ask. Well, because we have a young child, and I don't want her to grow up in a broken home. Especially when she seems so happy to have her parents together in the same house. My husband and I very rarely fight, we don't yell, we laugh and get along, we are just not intimate and I have tried and tried, I faked it for a long time but it gets tiresome. As far as I see it, I don't have a good enough reason to initiate divorce and cause an an upheaval of my child's life just because I am not romantically attracted to her father. So we keep on keeping on. 


Another reason to not divorce is because financially, I carry our household, my husband doesn't have a high income earning potential in his profession. We just eek by on two incomes. If I leave, he will be left in a financial lurch, his income will not even allow him to rent a one bedroom apartment by himself, he will always have to live with roommates which will be hard on our daughter with joint custody. And also, even though my income is higher, I am not exactly living high on the hog either and the general quality of life for our daughter will be greatly diminished financially. 


So now in comes the MM. At first, we were both just having fun and cake eating. But then gradually feelings grew, to the point that we started fantasizing about leaving our spouses, him much more than me based on the reasons I outlined above. The "noise" of leaving has now grown stronger and stronger and he's pushing for things to move forward. I am the hesitant one. 


I think that MM and I would have a fulfilling relationship together and I don't feel as if I have rose colored glasses on with him. We have had our ups and downs with some really nasty conflicts, yet, through it all, when I think of him, I smile. BUT more importantly, even if things don't work out with him in the long run, I have no issues being on my own, never have. 


The dilemma for me right now is that I feel paralyzed to leave my marriage mainly because of my child's overall happiness and partly because I feel financially responsible for my husband. But at the same time I love MM and desire a life with him.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

What would your child think of you if she/he knew what you are doing? Do you think you'll be able to keep it from your child forever?

You won't want to hear my advice, but as someone whose husband, in a very low-conflict but low intimacy marriage with a child, thought he could keep his affair from me, even while the other woman was pressuring him daily to divorce me so they could be together (which is exactly how I ultimately found out), here's what I think you should do and what my ex-husband has told me he wishes he'd done: Tell your spouse the truth. Tell him that you have feelings for another man, you've been having an affair with him, and while you hate to break up your family, you don't think you can be married to him anymore.

Please, for the love of God, don't tell him you "love him but you're not in love with him anymore." That's bullsh!t. You don't love him. Period. No one who truly loves (or respects) someone cheats on them. It is the worst thing you could ever do to another human being, outside of physical abuse or harming their loved ones. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I've lost both my parents. I barely got through it, and will never trust another person fully again. That is what you do to your spouse when you cheat on them, repeatedly, while lying all along about it and only getting discovered because your AP tells them, or they find out in some other ugly way.

If my ex husband had at least come clean with me early on - preferably before he started fvcking her, but even shortly thereafter - I might have retained some small shred of respect for him and I wouldn't have been as humiliated and devastated by his ongoing betrayal.

The way he actually did go about it, making all the same cowardly excuses and rationalizations that you are (which, by the way, aren't protecting anyone but yourself), damn near ruined me. And you don't do that to someone you love and respect.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Your MM has problems and short-comings, just like your husband. Kinda like when you first dated your husband, you only see your MM's "public" face, you aren't dealing with all of his crud, the stress of life, or anything else with him. He's just fresh and you only see him when you both are at your best, and always do nothing but fun. 

You obviously have no moral integrity, so I'm not going to lecture you on that front. But your MM isn't anything special, he's just new, and an escape from the shortcomings of your husband. And, if he's willing to cheat on his wife, he'll cheat on you. You may be "special" to him now, but you won't be the moment a better situation comes along. Not that you deserve someone who thinks you're special.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Eh, I'll pass.
@bandit.45?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

Like I said, bring on the vitriol, yes I am a horrible person and I won't even attempt to defend myself because there is no defense. I don't think that the sun shines out of my MM's butt, far from it. If anything I consider my husband a far better person than he is but still I would like a chance at a life with him but not at the expense of my child's stability. 

My husband is not head over heels in love with me, he's never been and we have both as much as acknowledged that to each other during one of our talks. Yet, we function together to provide a stable environment for our child.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So...what do you need help with?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

ManuGeorge said:


> Like I said, bring on the vitriol, yes I am a horrible person and I won't even attempt to defend myself because there is no defense. I don't think that the sun shines out of my MM's butt, far from it. If anything I consider my husband a far better person than he is but still I would like a chance at a life with him but not at the expense of my child's stability.
> 
> My husband is not head over heels in love with me, he's never been and we have both as much as acknowledged that to each other during one of our talks. Yet, we function together to provide a stable environment for our child.


So you don't want a life partner, you just want a rush and some excitement. Marriage isn't for you.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Why are you here?
Your selfish and ignorant and no one is going to encourage you to leave your honest, great husband.
Your child already has a broken home. You created it. Quit trying to deny giving a stable life because you **** all over your family. And you have no remorse or dignity to a man who's been good to you. 
Good luck. The success rate for two cheaters together is really high


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

ManuGeorge said:


> Like I said, bring on the vitriol, yes I am a horrible person and I won't even attempt to defend myself because there is no defense. I don't think that the sun shines out of my MM's butt, far from it. If anything I consider my husband a far better person than he is but still I would like a chance at a life with him but not at the expense of my child's stability.
> 
> My husband is not head over heels in love with me, he's never been and we have both as much as acknowledged that to each other during one of our talks. Yet, we function together to provide a stable environment for our child.


Do you want advice or not? Because I gave you some without calling you a horrible person. Do you really want to know the right thing to do here? Or are you just looking for validation for your rationalizations from other cheaters and cheater apologists?


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## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> So...what do you need help with?


 If I should leave my marriage or cut off the relationship with my MM and stay (for my child's sake). 

And before anyone goes off, yes I am staying for my child's sake. As I believe that a two parent, low-conflict household benefits a child more than any other arrangement. He is happy, thriving, well cared for and well provided for. My husband and I talk, laugh, we are good friends and we co-parent well despite the fact that I am a cheating scum-bag.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

manugeorge,

I did not write this someone else did on another forum. Please read. Thank You

My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.

NewCreation2011


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## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Do you want advice or not? Because I gave you some without calling you a horrible person. Do you really want to know the right thing to do here? Or are you just looking for validation for your rationalizations from other cheaters and cheater apologists?


Actually, I appreciate your advice and input. I know that what I'm doing is wrong, regardless of who validates my actions. That is not why I posted. I clearly knew that I was going to be shredded before I posted, I'm not about to defend my actions.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ManuGeorge,

I am not of the school that you are a "cheating scum bag" as you termed it. 

However I do believe you are addicted to the OM and this addiction blinds you to the reality of who the OM actually is. 

Tamat


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh, I'll pass.
> 
> @bandit.45?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL!

Yeah Bandit...we're waiting :nerd:


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

But what about MM current wife and home situation? Have you considered that? Does he have children as well that are going to now be in a broken home? 

Is MM dead set on actually leaving his wife? Do you know if such attempts have truly been made? Is your MM in a situation where he and his wife can split amicably, and ok financially? 

I ask the above bc during my 3 month affair where I was so in love with MM, and we both were about to leave our spouses for each other.... a week later I got busted and confessed all. I chose to stay with my husband for reasons and bc MM didn't end up telling his wife anything, he was cake eating with me and months later I found out he NEVER told his wife about our affair. I was done with MM anyways. 
2 years later MM finally divorced his wife and left for another woman bc wife found out and kicked him out. 
My point- usually the MM say they are going to leave their wives and push for you to leave your man- but in reality it's not happening they are just buttering you up more. 
Just be careful as MM may not be doing as he says..... 

You owe it to your husband to leave. He deserves to be with a woman who is IN love with him and loves him so much she won't have an affair on him. Please leave him. I was feeling what you were feeling about your spouse when I had my affair. Affair was over, we repaired marriage and husband became an asshat again.... basically back to where we were before I had my affair. However; I WILL NOT DO THAT AGAIN!! I will leave next time. I've only had one affair and it was too much. Way too much.. That's just not me and i'll never do it again. Do it the RIGHT way- Leave before falling in love with someone else.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

ManuGeorge said:


> If I should leave my marriage or cut off the relationship with my MM and stay (for my child's sake).
> 
> And before anyone goes off, yes I am staying for my child's sake. As I believe that a two parent, low-conflict household benefits a child more than any other arrangement. He is happy, thriving, well cared for and well provided for. My husband and I talk, laugh, we are good friends and we co-parent well despite the fact that I am a cheating scum-bag.


I think you should convince both men to stay with you and get a bigger bed.


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## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> ManuGeorge,
> 
> I am not of the school that you are a "cheating scum bag" as you termed it.
> 
> ...


Thank you Tamat, and I do appreciate your previous post above from the OW's perspective. I have considered those points and still mull them over and over in my head, the consequences of everything. 

Like I previously mentioned though, I DON'T think that my OM is the second coming of Christ. As far as basic qualities are concerned, he does NOT hold a candle to my husband. So I'm not comparing or contrasting both men in order to make a decision. Without OM in my life, I still wouldn't feel romantically towards my husband. It wasn't as if everything was honky dory in that department before OM came along. And if it wasn't for my child, my husband and I would have long mutually and amicably separated.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You didn't say before that cutting off your affair with the OM was an option for you.

Given that new bit of information, yes, you should end your affair immediately and stay in your marriage. Mostly because it's a sh!tty thing to be doing to TWO families.

But, and you're not going to like this part, you should also tell your husband what you've done. Do you really believe there's no way he'd ever find out? Trust me on this one: When you try to tell your AP you don't want to see him anymore, he isn't going to go softly into that good night. My ex's OW was more than happy to make sure I found out about her when my ex had a sudden guilt attack and tried to cool things down between them. But that's not even the main reason you have to tell him. The main reason is that you don't keep lying to someone you claim to love and respect. That's no basis for any kind of continuing relationship. And he has a right to know, and decide himself if your marriage is worth saving.

Once you tell him, if he's willing to stay with you, you must be willing to give him 100% transparency. You break up with the guy either on the phone with your husband at your side, or with an email that your husband reads and presses Send on. You tell the guy you will have absolutely no contact with him from this point on. You relinquish your phone and its passcode to your husband.

If you've come here looking for someone to say you should end the affair, stay with your husband, while changing nothing in your relationship, and never breathe a word to him or anyone IRL about what you've done, you've come to the wrong place.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ManuGeorge,

What was it that first made you fall in love with your H, excluding that you might be in an arranged marriage. 

What was it that caused you to fall out of love with your H?

Please do your H a favor and confess completely NOW so that he can decide to stay or leave the marriage based on the truth. 

Tamat


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## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

Imovedforthis said:


> But what about MM current wife and home situation? Have you considered that? Does he have children as well that are going to now be in a broken home?
> 
> Is MM dead set on actually leaving his wife? Do you know if such attempts have truly been made? Is your MM in a situation where he and his wife can split amicably, and ok financially?
> 
> ...


 I do consider the collateral damage on the children, both MMs and mine. I drag my feet because of that. I know that MM filed for separation once 
(I saw that paperwork). My input was that I wasn't ready and to consider the children. His marriage is more volatile.

But in all honesty, I do want to leave or stay for myself not because of what MM does. I am just paralyzed because of my child.


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## ManuGeorge (Dec 29, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> ManuGeorge,
> 
> What was it that first made you fall in love with your H, excluding that you might be in an arranged marriage.
> 
> ...


 This is my issue, I was not in an arranged marriage and no one put a gun to my head to fall in love with my husband. Our relationship was always comfortable from the beginning, lukewarm but comfortable. I like comfortable so we continued to date each other. By the time he proposed years later, it was still comfortable and lukewarm and I naively thought, "sure, why not" (though a part of me always wondered if my husband proposed because he felt it was the right thing to do). 

We did not get married immediately, we both did not have a burning desire to but I did get pregnant with our child and it was then that we figured that we should go ahead and get married to tie up all the lose ends before we had our daughter. And we have been comfortable and lukewarm ever since.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I don't have much to add to what the others have told you. 

You know you are doing wrong. You know you had no damn business marrying your husband. You know you are a fake wife and a fake mom to your daughter. A real mom would never put her child in this kind of jeopardy. And the fact that you hide behind your daughter is pretty fvcking pathetic. 

You have screwed your life up pretty completely. Nothing I can say will make it worse. 

I have no advice for you because advice is not really what you want.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> I have no advice for you because advice is not really what you want.


I agree with this quote. You will keep both men in your life because cake eating is fulfilling right now. But what is that saying...There's nothing hidden between heaven and Earth. 

There will be consequences to your actions. Be ready for those as they are sure to come. Take care of your kiddo. That is the real relationship that needs to be protected from your mistakes.

It was a mistake to get involved with a married man whether his marriage was rocky or not. It's a mistake to start one relationship before ending another. But you knew this going in. You're human , you fell for temptation and broke vows. So what the heck, I deserve getting bashed. Not really, life is a beach and has a way of biting us in the a$$ so to speak. Please be ready for when this happens and make sure you don't lose your child's love and respect. Protect that!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Why not salvage some integrity and let your husband decide whether it is worth staying together or not?

I garantee your secrecy will come back to haunt you.

it may be a month. Or a year. Or even ten.

do the right thing.


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## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

ManuGeorge said:


> Another reason to not divorce is because financially, I carry our household, my husband doesn't have a high income earning potential in his profession. We just eek by on two incomes. If I leave, he will be left in a financial lurch, his income will not even allow him to rent a one bedroom apartment by himself, he will always have to live with roommates which will be hard on our daughter with joint custody. And also, even though my income is higher, I am not exactly living high on the hog either and the general quality of life for our daughter will be greatly diminished financially.


ManuGeorge,

Something for you to think about. It is very possible that it will be you not your husband who will be in the financial lurch. Depending on where you live and how a divorce plays out legally, you being the higher income earner and etc., you could end up having to pay him alimony and child support. He could get half of your 401k and half of whatever assets you have. See Blacksmith01's thread. Financially, he did well when the dust settled. He had custody and his XW had to pay him alimony.

And yes you are a horrible person.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

...but you don't have to stay a horrible person.


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## unkn0wn (Sep 8, 2013)

Speaking as a BH I feel bad for your husband as he has no idea of any of this and it's making me think of how heartless cheaters can be and blame it all on the affair fog. 
For your husbands sake tell him everything now because he will find out at some point even if you end the affair and let him choose if he wants to reconcile or not. It's not your choice to make you have cheated on him you have made your choice tell your husband everything. Now. 

Sent from my HTC One_M8 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> We are good friends


Yet you are cheating on him and cheating on your child. (Yes, you are, you are cheating on your child, as well as your child's father.)

So if *that* is how you treat someone you consider to be a "good friend" goodness knows *what* you'd be capable of doing to an enemy!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> So if *that* is how you treat someone you consider to be a "good friend" goodness knows *what* you'd be capable of doing to an enemy!


Let's not forget this is her version of the marriage, it's probably not her husband's. If he considered her a friend and not a wife, why is this not an open marriage? He loves her and that is why. He of course doesn't have the elated feelings of love that people have at the beginning of any relationship, it's probably a more mature albeit less passionate type of love. That under no circumstance is a friendly type of relationship on his part. She is rewriting history and conveniently took out the part where they once did have those "in love" feelings and not just lukewarm like she is now convinced she has always felt for her husband. 

I don't buy that. I much less buy it from her husband (which she states and not him). That's cheater's script in its purest form. If he finds out through OM, he will be devastated because he DOES love his wife. Don't minimize his feelings OP. This is probably you trying to minimize the damage you are causing. Don't lie to yourself like that.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ManuGeorge said:


> Thank you Tamat, and I do appreciate your previous post above from the OW's perspective. I have considered those points and still mull them over and over in my head, the consequences of everything.
> 
> Like I previously mentioned though, I DON'T think that my OM is the second coming of Christ. As far as basic qualities are concerned, he does NOT hold a candle to my husband. So I'm not comparing or contrasting both men in order to make a decision. Without OM in my life, I still wouldn't feel romantically towards my husband. It wasn't as if everything was honky dory in that department before OM came along. And if it wasn't for my child, my husband and I would have long mutually and amicably separated.


Disclose the affair and divorce. You and your H already admitted to each other that you don't love each other, so where is the conflict wrt to your marriage? The real problem is what does the wife of the OM think the status of her marriage is? Based on what little we know, you are definitely feeling lust for a lower quality guy (who likely makes more money than your H and is likely more of a take charge kinda guy I'm guessing) but no attraction to your otherwise great H. Sounds like in reality, neither are good for you.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, if your husband is such a great friend and you two are buddie-buddie, Why are you making his life decisions for him. 

Tell him the truth and let him be free to find a great woman who he can love and adore. YOU are stealing the best years of his life by not giving him a choice. 

You assume your husband and child can do no better than you and that is not true. Let your bestie go so he can be happy. If you gave a shred of care for your husband, you will divorce him. Anything else is just keeping your husband as a back-up plan. You can't spin your concern for your child and your husband as looking out for their best interest. You are looking out for your best interest. 

Tell your husband and let him make his own adult choices. Anything else is lying, selfish, bullsh!t. 

And yes, I will be happy to call you scum if that's what you are looking for.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You cheated because you were bored?

Yikes.

Ok, so since you DID ask for advice, here's mine.

Try to gather together a SHRED of dignity and vow to yourself and your CHILDREN to never see the OM again. Give your kids ONE gift, ONE decent thing in your life that you can point to for them, and stop being a CHEATER. I don't give two figs who you end up with, you've made your bed. I DO care that your kids grow up thinking selfishness is more important than integrity. And if you don't want that to happen, STOP CHEATING.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rugs said:


> You are looking out for your best interest.
> 
> Tell your husband and let him make his own adult choices. Anything else is lying, selfish, bullsh!t.
> 
> for.


Well yeah. She is looking out for her best interest indeed. Cake eating is all about that. Goes hand in hand with rewriting marital history and all that selfish bull$hit too. That is what happens when we lose our moral compass. 

ManuGeorge, you need professional help. You are in a bad place. You were vulnerable and made some bad choices. Time to own up to those mistakes by looking for the internal solution to Your internal pollution. The affair was just a destraction that made things worse. A therapist can help you figure out why cheating and cake eating are OK when deep down you know they are not. Insulting you and you stating you can take it because you deserve it, tells me this is not who you were or want to be. You can make things better. You just need professional guidance to get there. We are not professionals here. Post here and most certainly read, but getting bashed is not going to help you, your husband or your child. Therapy eventually will, but it will take time. What other option do you have that won't hurt you or your family? 

Please give therapy a try. That's my advice at this point that I now see that person that wants to make things right for her and hers.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You should have your thread moved by a moderator -just ask- to the Coping With Infidelity section at TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You said that you thought your husband was a better man than the OM-- hell yes , he is!
How can you logically say you want to be with the cheater? 
Don't you realize you are in a bad state of mind? 
Please, vow to never see this guy again, tell your h the truth, and try to work at building a life with your trusted husband. You are doomed to have nobody to have your back like your husband does on a short time. 
You know it's wrong, yet keep doing it? How much sense does this make?

Get some help before you wreck your life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If they cheats with you they will cheat on you!

Besides who wants to be with someone who is married and screws someone else's spouse on the side? They might make for a good phuck buddy but as far as life partners goes..... one might want to look for some one with a moral compass!


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Are you still sleeping with your husband?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you are still having sex, even occasionally, with your husband....then he has the right to know that you are also having sex with someone else. 

How would you advise your child if they were to do this?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

So you have chosen your libido over your integrity, that's all. You lie to and steal from your husband and children to satisfy your sexual urges.

If that's the life you want to live, keep cheating.

But you need to realize that you are lying to yourself to justify your choices. You convince yourself that you are not hurting your husband and child because they doesn't know. But you are - you are taking your time, your attention, your resources, etc, away from them. And if you are willing to hurt them like that, you don't love or respect them. You are just using them.

You need to make a choice. Which do you value more? Your integrity or your libido?

And remember, this affair partner of yours has made the exact same choice. His libido is more important to him than his integrity. And people who lack integrity make terrible life partners.

As someone who has been cheated on, I'd rather be dead broke, living in a trailer, raising a child from a broken home instead of in one, than have a so-called partner who doesn't have my back.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I would prefer living in a cardboard box under a bridge to being married to someone like you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Thound said:


> I would prefer living in a cardboard box under a bridge to being married to someone like you.


And this is why you have one sided conversations with your husband. You know he will leave you...eventually once the $hit hits the fan. No One wants to be a cuckold!

You sure as hell wouldn't. What makes you think it's the best thing for your husband? You are most certainly looking out for just you. Don't worry, eventually everyone gets their just desserts.


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## ybfat1 (Jan 3, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> manugeorge,
> 
> I did not write this someone else did on another forum. Please read. Thank You
> 
> ...


Wow...truer words were never spoken! You Rock

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

No need to bash you. It is not like you did not state that what you are doing is not the ideal thing.

You asked for advice. most folks will tell you that you should either divorce your husband, which you do not want to do, or stop the affair, which you refuse to do.

You seem to state that you are rationalizing what you are doing by the fact that your husband is not madly in love with you. Since we can't talk to him, no one knows if that is true or not.

*But if you are right, and this marriage is really a marriage of child rearing and convenience like you state, then if you confess he should be fine with an open marriage arrangement and appreciate your honesty and commitment to your child.*

Now, i personally do not believe he would be fine with that despite what you say, so the most likely outcome here will be that at some point you will get caught and your child will be the product of divorce anyway. you really do not think this will go on forever with no one ever finding out, do you?????

So, basically you are NOT horrible, but you are being selfish, making up **** to justify what you are doing, and if you continue down this path there will be consequences unless you are one of the ones who defies the odds and gets away with it. Do not bet on it.

You are doing this because you want to. Just admit it and stop making excuses about your child. You have the right to do whatever you want to. just be honest with yourself.

So, back to the advice. Just give your husband the respect to make his own decisions instead of you making them for him. As i said, if your statement above is correct, he may feel the same and then you will be home free. 

The anger expressed to you would come from those who believe you are playing victim here and asking for folks to applaud you for cheating and keeping your husband in the dark. 

You've got some serious decisions to make before they are made for you by discovery.


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