# Cheated before and now completely Faithful..Wife Upset at Years old FB/Internet. HELP



## MessedUp2 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am new to these forums and I have a real problem that I have placed myself in. Over 3 Years ago I had a brief affair with one of my wife's co-workers. The Other Woman actually came to our home while we were on a trip and exposed the relationship to my parents. My wife found out and we were on the rocks for quite sometime...we decided to work on our marriage and I have been committed totally to her ever since. This was actually the 2nd time I had an affair and as a note I am also Bipolar/Manic Depressive. For the past 3 years I have done everything possible to ensure that there is never a chance for any questions e.g. if I have to work late, I email her, I call her I give her status updates. I also have done everything possible in my job to pass on any travel that is not mandatory and have successfully not traveled except for 3 times in a year and a half. I have dedicated my life to make sure that our family is strong and that I will never cheat again..I have realized how much I hurt my wife and how that will never happen again..NEVER!

Well..I am currently on travel for 2 weeks (was to be 4 and I did everything possible to have the time reduced). I had been using Facebook very infrequently to connect with family members and keep contact with previous company contacts as I explore career opportunities. 2 days ago, I called my wife and she informed me that our son was sick at school and she was rushing out to pick him up from daycare. I waited and then called her back after about an hour 9the pickup and trip should have taken about 20 minutes). When I talked to her she asked me if I had taken down my FB page and then also started to get loud about how she didn't need to get questions at work about how well I know people she works with. I literally had no idea what she was talking about and told her that the FB page was still up. She said that she didn't want any pics of her or our son on the page....and then she said that I needed to also needed to come clean about all the other sites I have out there looking for women. I had NO IDEA what she was talking about as I haven't done anything in any way, shape or form to violate our marriage or trust. She then just hung up the phone...I didn't call her right back and just sat in shock as to what was going on. I was numb and confused and couldn't belive what was going on. She then called me and said that when I come clean we can talk. I went and thought about how I have "Batch approvals" and "friend requests" on FB and how this must have caught someone that she works with or something. I sent her an email as it was late and our son would be in bed and I didn't want to wake him. She sent me an email that was a screen shot of a site from 2005 that was right around the time we had our 1st issue. The site was basically implying that I was looking for a hook up. I was appalled as I didn't remember anything about this, then I googled the screen name she referenced and that was in the email and found another site that was the same timeframe in 2005 and very suggestive that I was looking for a hookup and had a pic that I never even remember posting or anything. 

I give this background because I cannot imagine hoe this has hurt her and takes her back to that time where things were bad and where I broke all trust by the affair. She then emailed that I am a professional liar and a psychopath. With my past i see exactly why she is upset and I have expressed to her how I have been faithful and totally committed to us. I choose not to do anything such as happy hours, time away form the family...and I like it so much because it is a relief on the mind and I know I am living the right way..the way I should!

She has not talked to me since then and I dread the thought of what may be waiting as I return home at the end of the week. she said that I should hope her and my son are there when I get back and not gone. She has alot of pressure at work and she said that I am the reason why she has not close friends because she is scared that I would try to sleep with them....this is not the case!!!

I have since emailed her and asked her what she wanted me to do with the sites so it wasn't perceived as me trying to hide anything after the fact...she basically said that I should take doen the sites and I worked hours to try to access the sites and get the info needed...and I fianlly have the sites taken down...as well as the FB page.

Where should I go from here??? She said that I needed to live and get a better relationship with God before I can love anyone else...the thing is...I have moved closer to GOD and I pray each night and each morning for the gift God has afforded me of a strong dedicated wife and loving son.

What advice does anyone have....????

I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm not sleeping eating and feel the depression setting in hard and know (as being Bipolar) that this is not a good place for me to be.

Help me.....and Thank You!


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## Dawson (Oct 14, 2010)

The healing takes time. It can take more time than we expect and then seemingly trivial events can also reopen those old wounds. 

I think you are on a good path. I think you are not inconsiderate of your wife's feelings but I think sometimes we can be remiss and let seemingly little details go unnoticed - in your case FB. To you FB was an innocent and legitimate form of communication with colleagues etc. But to your wife it was a reminder or sign of something bad. When you see completely your wife's point of view you will understand why the FB page in your case was a bad thing all along. Again this is not your fault directly but it is still an oversight. Have a think if there is anything similar that might cause her to worry over and fix it now. 

But for what it is worth, I think you are progressing as well as you can under the circumstances.

Best,
Dawson


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## schmuck (Oct 9, 2010)

Dawson said:


> The healing takes time. It can take more time than we expect and then seemingly trivial events can also reopen those old wounds.
> 
> I think you are on a good path. I think you are not inconsiderate of your wife's feelings but I think sometimes we can be remiss and let seemingly little details go unnoticed - in your case FB. To you FB was an innocent and legitimate form of communication with colleagues etc. But to your wife it was a reminder or sign of something bad. When you see completely your wife's point of view you will understand why the FB page in your case was a bad thing all along. Again this is not your fault directly but it is still an oversight. Have a think if there is anything similar that might cause her to worry over and fix it now.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## schmuck (Oct 9, 2010)

Continue to be upfront with her. Let her know that these were things in the past and you will honor her wishes. It (M) will be a constant struggle. When you are on travel all those past demons have time to surface. Daily affirmations will help get you thru. Ie tell her again and again that you love her and are in it for the long hall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can only speak from how I would react to it, I guess LOL. If I had found those pages, all the emotions would have rushed back to me and caused me to be a bit dramatic about it all. I would probably want some reassurance that these things were from the past and everything but the facebook was forgotten. Tell her you didn't realize that it would cause any heartache, and the second she asked for you to get rid of it you did. That you are willing to do whatever it takes (within reason of course) to make her feel secure in your relationship. 

Her worries about not being able to have any friends out of fear that you will try to bed them are serious. She is holding this huge resentment towards you for this, and try not to trivialize her fear. You slept with her co-worker, so has this affected her professional life?? Are you sure that its not?? 

Keep doing what you can, and I am sure that this can all start getting better slowly. Have you thought about asking your wife if she would like a counselor for herself just to have someone help her deal with the emotions she might be feeling??


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## SECEST (Oct 4, 2010)

DawnD I feel for you as I know exactly where are you.

I had a similar situation where I cheated on my wife. After years and many necesary changes on myself in order to be a better person, better husband, better father, etc... from time to time my wife explodes and takes the issue out of that closed. For us, leaving in a small community and she seeing from time to time this lady makes her day go sour and put a lot of stress in the relationship.

My only advice is hang on. I know is confusing, especially when you are doing the right things but anything that reminds her how bad she felt will trigger that reaction or worst. Think hard and get rid of anything regarding the affair. do your own search in FB or any other social network, hard drives with pictures, txt messages , anything.... As schmuck mentioned, this is a long haul trip. Be ready as it wont' be the last and continue with the effort you're doing. you put yourself into the spot....I did the same


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## luvmykids (Oct 8, 2010)

I think that on your part your doing the right thing...taking down the website even the facebook. It must be hard for you right now, but your right about one thing, even though the web page she found was of you searching back in 2005, it brought back VERY REAL and painful memories for her. I know exactly how your wife feels, I've been through the same thing with my husband. Things between us will never be the same but he realizes that's a big part of his doing. You have to understand even though you might be feeling depressed right now with your current situation you have to remember how she is feeling, she maybe expressing her self aggressivly towards you, but in reality she's just feeling all those awful dreadful feelings once more. You have to understand how she feels because of past actions, let her know you love her, that its all over, when you get back home spend some time with her. Treat her like a queen. You say you love your wife and that you'll never do those things again, unfortunatlly for you, you'll have to prove this to her on more than just one ocassion such as this. Me and my husband have been working on us for the past several months now, even though I can see a change in us, I still have bad days of the past, and he understands that this hurt I have was caused by him. He made me feel better reasurring me that we were going to make it work. It helps when he trully takes into consideration my feelings on bad days like that and not focus on him. I know it must be hard but its somthing I think has to be done on both sides, some days maybe it will be you that needs that longing support I suguest you ask and recieve it from your wife just as your wife needs it from you. Good Luck, with the both of you the best.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I think you are doing the right things as well. As hard as it may be though, she will need to find it in herself to stop living in fear... sounds like she allows it to permeate all her life decisions. Not that I blame her, I get very insecure when I see a woman on my husbands FB page that I dont know or havent met... he doesnt know the friendship boundaries he needs to have with women (especially certain women... some you can have a rapport with and some have hidden agendas). You also cant try to tell her to let it go as that would be crossing boundary as well. 

I wish someone could whisper in her ear that if she keeps the walls up, that in itself could lead to a breakdown in your relationship... darnit!


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## JennaL10 (Oct 19, 2010)

Victim here speaking. You screwed up. But the  thing to do from my perspective is if you don't want a divorce, then admit that you screwed up. Tell this to her. No more justifications. Don't defend yourself anymore. It was a very wrong thing to do. You hurt her so badly then you cannot even imagine it till today. All you have to do is keep saying you're sorry and that you love her and touch and caress her. If she pushes you away, DON'T GIVE UP! Keep doing it. She needs CONSTANT reassurance. It will take you YEARS to rebuild trust. She needs help. A good marriage counselor is key. Find an significantly older male marriage counselor - I don't know why, but women like to hear other men talk about how important marriage is. The experience that the marriage counselor has under his belt is crucial. He knows what works and what doesn't. 

Show this thread to her. She would love to see that you actually cared and are trying to save your marriage.

Remember, if you can't work it out and nothing is getting better, then divorce is your other answer. It should always be an option so that nobody will end up bitter and nasty especially when there is a kid involved. I never thought divorce was an option but it opened up a whole new perspective on this. We are still working on ours. Wish us luck! I think it's going good so far for us. 

All the best. You are on the right path.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

I think like JennaL10. I am a victim too and instead of denying or justifying just express regrets and your desire to make things work and be determined in re-gaining her trust. Sorry but being married and looking for extra relationships online is terrible and hurts a lot!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Just a cautionary note: 

We had an attack on FB by a site named: BeNaughty. My Dear Hubby is the one who was faithful in our marriage, and yet he plays Zynga games on FB (Farmville, Frontierville) and Wall Street Journal has reported that FB Privacy has Been Breached by Zynga. I attached a link to the article so you can see this is not a scam and if it was the same site--BeNaughty--I can tell you what happened. 

You play Farmville on FB. Zynga got your FB identifying info and BEGGED you for your email address (remember that?). Then Zynga sold your identifying information to dozens of companies--and one that I know of personally that got the info was BeNaughty. This breach, in effect, provided access to people's names and, in some cases, their friends' name. For my Dear Hubby they made him a "profile" using a name in his email as his User ID and using his FB profile picture as his BeNaughty "profile" pic. THEN they emailed him to his FB email address saying "Your profile isn't complete. You won't meet new people if you don't sign in and finish it." 

Naturally this scared me, but we went onto the site together and saw that there was some info entered but it was all EXACTLY as it was entered/seen on FB. In our case, Dear Hubby's FB profile pic is distinctive, so we could tell that he had been hacked. We warned everyone on our friends list, double checked our security/privacy settings and deleted the BeNaughty barebones "proflie"--then reported them. The next day we say the Wall Street Journal report. 

So I'm not trying to give you an excuse here but rather just inform you. If it was BeNaughty, there was a known breach of privacy, it happened to people who are trustworthy, and it was reported by reputable news folks.


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

*Re: Past Infidelity..now COMPLETELY COMMITTED..Wife upset with Facebook/Web pages..HE*



mommy22 said:


> Obviously, it's best you stay away from such sites unless you have a joint account on FB. I know a lot of couples who do that and I think it's a wise decision. It also proves you've nothing to hide. Unfortunately, because you've cheated twice, anything that comes up as questionable is bound to set her off. I know you know that and it's understandable. Hve you asked her about going to counseling? Would she agree to that? If not, could you go for yourself?
> 
> Could you send her a heartfelt eamil saying that you know how much your past hurts her and you regret it but that it is in the past? Tell her all the things you love about her. Tell her where God has brought you to this point. Offer to go through what she discovered on internet with her-- that you've absolutely nothing to hide.
> 
> ...


I have nothing to add to this :iagree: 100% good luck and keep the communication open with her as much as possible dont let it fester and tell her about it being in that time frame as well...keep talking with her as much as you can she has some forgiving to do it just takes time and prayers and dont take every set back so seriously just take it in stride and keep on doing whaty youre doing ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Offer to go to a counselor with her. Offer to take a polygraph. And email her the passwords to your phone and computer today.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

[merged duplicate threads, please do not post the same thing in multiple sections of the forums]


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