# The Best Friend



## Danni (Dec 14, 2012)

My girlfriend has a male best friend. They are very close, text and Skype each other on a regular basis, and live a few hours apart. Both occasionally drive the distance to visit. They have known each other for almost ten years. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly four.

I am not in any way angry with my girlfriend about anything that has to do with her friends. It'd make me a hypocrite, I have female friends I enjoy hanging with. At the same time, their relationship rubs me the wrong way, maybe just because I may be a bit possessive. She has more male friends than female but that's never bothered me. Something about this friend, who she's always seemed to have, makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes they walk arm in arm, and I've seen them holding hands once (although this didn't strike me as odd, they were in a densely crowded area and she is tiny).

I know I come first, and he comes second. Whenever I'm around the two of them, she acts and treats me completely differently (in a good way).

I suppose what really set things in motion was when I went to a movie with some friends and saw the two of them sitting in front of us. She linked her arm through his at one point and put her head on his arm, and they shared popcorn and a soda. I didn't say anything, and she didn't realize I saw them. The next morning I went to pick her up from her parent's house (he lives in their home town) and she texted me at 7am that she was at his place instead. I asked her why she was at his house at 7am and she replied that she spent the night there after watching a season finale or something. I trust her, and I know for a fact she was completely honest when she told me that was all that happened. She has this childlike naivety when it comes to stuff like this. She legitimately saw nothing wrong with going to a movie and then spending the night over at her friend's house...despite his gender. She apologized after I worded it that way.

I guess I feel like I should confront one or both of them (mostly him) about my take on their proximity. They are very comfortable around each other. I feel guilty for spying on them, but this insecurity is driving me insane.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You’re jealous, it’s normal and nothing to feel ashamed of or guilty about. You are afraid of losing your girlfriend to this other guy plus you most certainly don’t like her showing him so much affection.


How old are the two of you? You sound like teenagers and your girlfriend sounds like she’s kind of shopping around, not at all ready to settle down with just one guy. 


She is of course double dating you, going on dates with other guys while she’s supposedly your girlfriend. That’s not something I’d tolerate, I consider myself of way more value than that. With me it’s either an exclusive relationship or it’s not a relationship.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Danni said:


> My girlfriend has a male best friend. They are very close, text and Skype each other on a regular basis, and live a few hours apart. *Both occasionally drive the distance to visit.* They have known each other for almost ten years. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly four.
> 
> At the same time, their relationship rubs me the wrong way, maybe just because I may be a bit possessive. She has more male friends than female but that's never bothered me. *Something about this friend, who she's always seemed to have, makes me uncomfortable*. *Sometimes they walk arm in arm, and I've seen them holding hands* once (although this didn't strike me as odd, they were in a densely crowded area and she is tiny).
> 
> ...


Have some balls and tell her to stop acting this way around him or she'll have to choose! 



> I am not in any way angry with my girlfriend about anything that has to do with her friends. It'd make me a hypocrite, I have female friends I enjoy hanging with.


Well you should be!! 
Her close friendship with this male friend is not the same as you hanging out/having female friends.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Danni said:


> I suppose what really set things in motion was when I went to a movie with some friends and saw the two of them sitting in front of us. She linked her arm through his at one point and put her head on his arm, and they shared popcorn and a soda. I didn't say anything, and she didn't realize I saw them. The next morning I went to pick her up from her parent's house (he lives in their home town) and she texted me at 7am that she was at his place instead. I asked her why she was at his house at 7am and she replied that she spent the night there after watching a season finale or something. I trust her, and I know for a fact she was completely honest when she told me that was all that happened. She has this childlike naivety when it comes to stuff like this. She legitimately saw nothing wrong with going to a movie and then spending the night over at her friend's house...despite his gender. She apologized after I worded it that way.


As I read this passage above, what I get is that your gf went on a date with another man, then spent the night at his house and you are okay with it.

Sorry, but that would not work with me. I think you gut is telling you that it does not really work for you either.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm not opposed to my girlfriend having male friends however I'd lose it if I thought she was watching movies with her head resting on their shoulders or spending the night at their house after some late night television. That's far too intimate for just friends in my opinion.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's time to redefine the boundaries of what you find acceptable behavior with the opposite sex


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> As I read this passage above, what I get is that your gf went on a date with another man, then spent the night at his house and you are okay with it.
> 
> Sorry, but that would not work with me. I think you gut is telling you that it does not really work for you either.


^This.


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## bouillon (Nov 13, 2012)

Danni said:


> My girlfriend has a male best friend. They are very close, text and Skype each other on a regular basis, and live a few hours apart. Both occasionally drive the distance to visit. *They have known each other for almost ten years. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly four.*


So the movie incident was the first time you saw this kind of behavior? That seems unlikely... why are you just now becoming upset about this? Is there more?



Danni said:


> I am not in any way angry with my girlfriend about anything that has to do with her friends. It'd make me a hypocrite, I have female friends I enjoy hanging with. At the same time, their relationship rubs me the wrong way, maybe just because I may be a bit possessive. She has more male friends than female but that's never bothered me. *Something about this friend, who she's always seemed to have, makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes they walk arm in arm, and I've seen them holding hands once (although this didn't strike me as odd, they were in a densely crowded area and she is tiny).*


Why weren't YOU the one guiding your lady through this crowded area? Why would they walk arm in arm or hold hands in your presence?



Danni said:


> *I know I come first, and he comes second. Whenever I'm around the two of them, she acts and treats me completely differently (in a good way).*


From what you just described this doesn't seem to be the case. See the bolded.



Danni said:


> *I suppose what really set things in motion was when I went to a movie with some friends and saw the two of them sitting in front of us. She linked her arm through his at one point and put her head on his arm, and they shared popcorn and a soda.*I didn't say anything, and she didn't realize I saw them. The next morning I went to pick her up from her parent's house (he lives in their home town) and she texted me at 7am that she was at his place instead. I asked her why she was at his house at 7am and she replied that she spent the night there after watching a season finale or something. I trust her, and I know for a fact she was completely honest when she told me that was all that happened. *She has this childlike naivety when it comes to stuff like this.* She legitimately saw nothing wrong with going to a movie and then spending the night over at her friend's house...despite his gender. She apologized after I worded it that way.


After being in a relationship four years, how are you both not aware of each other's whereabouts? How are you both seeing the same movie at the same time and not know it? In addition, why would her behavior at the movies be so alarming to you, if you allow them to walk arm in arm and hold hands? Again, why would she spend the night at this guys house and not make you aware of her whereabouts? I would not bank on that "childlike naivety."



Danni said:


> I guess I feel like I should confront one or both of them (*mostly him*) about my take on their proximity. They are very comfortable around each other. I feel guilty for spying on them, but this insecurity is driving me insane.


Why confront HIM? You should have talked to your girlfriend when you first noticed that her friendship made you uncomfortable, not four years down the line when you realized she spends the night at his place. 

Good luck bro.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

She's not your girlfriend. She's a friend who is a girl.

Until she's treating you like you're the only guy in her life you should understand the difference.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Eh.. We're women. We can friend zone a guy and he'll stay that way forever. I mean I wouldn't go out to see a guy especially if my bf is uncomfortable about it.


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## theRaven (Nov 16, 2012)

kipani said:


> Eh.. We're women. We can friend zone a guy and he'll stay that way forever. I mean I wouldn't go out to see a guy especially if my bf is uncomfortable about it.


Maybe so, but 99% of guys are not like that. Unless he's gay (maybe not even), I would not be OK with the kind of interaction described. I would consider my relationship with my wife very trusting but the things above would even cross my line.

I'm fine if my wife hangs out with over guy friends, but if it got the the point where I felt insecure I would address the topic. Put simply, its what you're willing to live with. You need to confront her if this is a problem for you. But Regardless of what others think is too much, if it bothers you, it won't get any better if you just ignore it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Unpopular opinion, but you don't have a right to ask your girlfriend to set boundaries with her best friend. He was in the picture LONG before you arrived, and if you wanted boundaries set then you should have specified that *four years ago*. You're the late arrival, not this man. If she was comfortable with their level of intimacy, and he was, and you arrived later, than who is the odd man out? You. And if you wanted to be the singular guy in her life with whom she had a close, intimate relationship, then you shouldn't have spent four years basically telling her that she could have her cake, and eat it too.

Nobody has the right to select the relationships that their lover has going on in their life, especially prior to their arrival. If this was a no-no issue for you, then you shouldn't have gotten involved with her. 

And if it's become an issue now, you should take your leave. Because I hate to tell you this, but you're not likely to win this one. Even if she sets boundaries, or dumps her decade long best friend, that might open the door to some serious issues with bitterness, and resentment, that'll rear their ugly heads down the lane.

Incidentally, I had a female best friend with whom I had the exact same body language you described between your girlfriend and her best friend.

We're now happily married.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You do have to right to express your opinion and let her know your uncomfortable with her. Just don't expect to like the answer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How long have they been friends? Have they ever dated? Has she had feelings for him?

Important questions. I have one male close friend besides my husband. He's been my friend for over 7 years now (longer than I've known my H) and we've never dated or wanted to date. We create art and writings together and collaborate on many interesting things. But he's part of my bigger picture...we don't flirt or any of that bullshet. He is completely respectful of my husband and we are just friends. I know people roll their eyes at that. Oh effing well. I was with him last night for 7 hours trying to launch a website for self healing. My husband supports it. It makes me a better person to be surrounded by like-minded people who fulfill every part of me and help me grow as a spiritual being. This makes me a better wife and mom. 

Your GF's intentions matter. Do you know what they are?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kipani said:


> Eh.. We're women. We can friend zone a guy and he'll stay that way forever. I mean I wouldn't go out to see a guy especially if my bf is uncomfortable about it.


I'm well acquainted with the friend zone and it did normally not entail a lot of hand holding and head resting on the shoulder. We did share a bedroom however.


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## Jack29 (Oct 20, 2012)

Its absolutely disguising! Don't put up with it or at least dont put up with it anymore!

You can hardly expect her to change after 10 years of friendship and if she will cut it off, she might a)bear you a grudge and/or b)relapse into it keeping it on the sly.

If you dump her it might make you look like you used her for four years and than decided you had your fun but hey, make yourself priority A and think of the peace of mind!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why are you seeing a chick that already has a boy friend?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Won't some of those other female friends you have make for a better mate?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe its me..I don't like sharing my chick!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe its me , but I want an emotional connection that makes me my chick's best friend.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's a similar issue I had with someone I was dating briefly about 2 years ago. She had a long term male friend that they spent weekends traveling together and go to movies on Fridays nights, etc. 

I actually am fairly sure they didn't do anything (who knows really), but I just wasn't interested in having a guy hanging around us all of the time as her "bestie". No thanks. 

But I also didn't make her "choose" or issue an ultimatum. I just figured it was something I was going to have to live with if I wanted to be with her, and I decided I didn't want to live with it. I imagine that would be a much harder decision if we had been together for four years. 

Best of luck, hopefully it'll work out okay for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did any one see the movie "Thats My Boy" ?

My point is anything can happen. Folks can be really messed up and haveing sex and having a husbend are two completely diferent things in the mind of a phycopath.

Dude, come on, cuddling with her bestie at the movies is phucking out of control...especially right in front of you.

This thing has cuckold training all over it!!!


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

the guy said:


> Did any one see the movie "Thats My Boy" ?
> 
> My point is anything can happen. Folks can be really messed up and haveing sex and having a husbend are two completely diferent things in the mind of a phycopath.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that would be the end of the game for me.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Run ... Do not walk ... away from this woman. If she insists on having a male best friend, your future together is bleak!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jaquen said:


> Incidentally, I had a female best friend with whom I had the exact same body language you described between your girlfriend and her best friend.
> 
> We're now happily married.


Jaquen's example here... ought to speak volumes / Loud speaker turned full blast...to where such a friendship has the potential to go...

I am wondering -this guy friend, *does he not want her* *? *. Sounds she is biding her time waiting for his move ~ that they haven't hooked up in the last 10 yrs - of this emotionally attached texting /skyping / sharing drinks /movies / arms around each other -head on his shoulder / spending the night "friendship".

Personally I feel BEST FRIENDS -plus adding the LOVER component makes the Best marriages. 

I agree with the others >>> Run like Hell.... she is just taking you for a ride, waiting on Him to get his head on straight and take her on. 

She is not respecting your relationship at all - but spitting on it.

You deserve Much better.


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