# Married but feel single.



## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

I put a brief post in the new members section but wanted to come here now that I’m approved. 
I’m 36 and have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids and live a pretty “normal” life. However my husband works pretty much constantly, 50-70+ hours a week. His work requires shifts which are days, afternoons, nights, weekends, holidays and then he works most of his days off as well. Some days like tonight he doesn’t even come home, just sleeps at work. 
I do almost everything alone , eat , sleep, kids activities, birthdays ....... I’m so lonely. I never envisioned marriage to be this way. I envisioned a partner, a best friend ! We have talked about this more than a dozen times, tried to set up boundaries about how much over time he can work, ways to make the family a priority but it always goes back to the old ways. He can never say NO ..... and I end up being the bad guy when I ask him to stay home. 
My husband is an amazing man. He works as much as he does but always is doing house work and helping with the kids when he’s home. But I’m left out. His To-Do list is a mile long when he is home , all his time is taken up. 
I just don’t know where to go from here.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If he is a good man tell him how you feel, not the conversations you have had but that this will eventually be a deal breaker. Clear language that this isn’t a marriage you signed up for. Sounds to me like you need a regular scheduled date night just the two of you. He has to be more than a paycheck, and those chores are never ending as a father and homeowner, they can wait other things need attention now.

Be the bad guy if you have to, the work will get along just fine if he says no once in awhile. I am in a similar if not same profession. He needs balance.


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## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

I agree balance is the key. This Christmas we had “ the conversation “ but not much has changed. I know that in his job (possibly yours too ) that it’s the adrenaline, the advancement that is the drive to work so much. It’s hard to compete with that , I know he finds home life much more difficult although he swears he doesn’t work to get away from us.


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## CubsFan89 (Jan 9, 2019)

I'm not sure what advice I can offer other than to tell you what I did. I am basically in your husband's shoes. I work 6 - 7 days a week 65 - 75 hours a week depending on work load. The only difference is my shifts are 3am start time, I don't rotate that's always been my start time now getting off work varies everyday but normally I'm off by 4pm at the latest.

My wife works 8am - 4pm M-F and we have 2 toddlers been together 12 years married 6. If you look up my original post you will see we had some rough patches after advice I recieved here on TAM I sat my wife down and we had a couple hard heart to heart conversations. They were by no means easy, it was difficult she was "blindsided" thinking everything was A-ok!

I normally cook 5 meals a week as I get home earlier and I enjoy cooking, I also [like your husband] help out around the house with laundry, dishes, etc. Any free time goes to the kids UNTIL 7PM. That is bed time for the children and adult time for us. [That was a new thing we implemented] that gives us 2 - 3 hours to sit and visit, exercise together, shower together, make out, make love etc. That time happens every night and it has done wonders for us, we have gotten 110% better at communicating with each other as a result of this. 

I also started doing a date night every week, instead of every month. We drop the kids off at the in laws house and usually do a early dinner [5pm] and then go for a walk or do a little shopping afterwards. Every week this happens not always the same night but every week, again this has done wonders for us, just time alone with your spouse to enjoy their company. 

I would be lying if I said it was easy, it's not. I'm exhausted many days my wife understands this better than anyone else in my life but, even so that time with her really helps relieve my stress and recharges me for the next day of hell, I mean work.

I really think the biggest issue a lot of couples have is they forget to make time for themselves especially after children come along. I know we did, it was basically going through the motions for the last couple of years and I felt like you did, basically a roommate / paycheck. Sit your husband down and have a honest, calm heart to heart conversation. 

Just my .02
Cubs


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

CubsFan89 said:


> *I really think the biggest issue a lot of couples have is they forget to make time for themselves especially after children come along*. I know we did, it was basically going through the motions for the last couple of years and I felt like you did, basically a roommate / paycheck. Sit your husband down and have a honest, calm heart to heart conversation.
> 
> Just my .02
> Cubs


This is so true...I really hope you listen to the advice here OP, particularly from @CubsFan89 and @Wolf1974.

You MUST make time for your marriage, if it is at risk in any way, everything else needs to come second while you repair it. You need to make your husband understand how serious this is.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yes, always put your marriage ahead of your children or you are teaching your children to settle when they are older and get married. 
Show them, teach them, what love looks like.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jewels1100 said:


> I know he finds home life much more difficult although he swears he doesn’t work to get away from us.


You have a good understanding. I think you have a good and honest husband, too. Those are things you can build upon. From being on here a while, I can tell you that there are a lot of marriages far worse than yours. Saying that, I recognize that some of your basic needs are not being fulfilled.

I'm now 66, looking back on a lifetime of work, marriage, kids. Those middle years were extremely tough..... I was a "hunter" and not a "nurturer" by design  I would get less tired working 5 days than spending a half-day at home. 

It was not only the adrenaline..... it seemed that no matter how hard I worked, how much "bacon" I brought home, it just was never enough. I had two jobs. And, the home-work was never completed. Lawns, shrubs, cars, the pool, the attic fan broke, the drain clogged..... 

This is my suggestion. Man and wife time. It's what I wanted the most, but never could get....she and I both prioritized ourselves right out of the picture. For her, it was the house and the kids that came before me. For me, it was the bacon and the honey-do list which came before her.

I can't change anything now. But a date night would be put high on the priority list... there would be a little less bacon, and a babysitter would be hired. The "partner and best friend" would be the highest goal.

Looking back on her, and me ? Neither one of us knew. We did what we saw done in our FoO.... dad worked, mom took care of house and kids. Neither one of us, at the time, knew what was wrong.

And, more importantly, neither one of us knew how easily it could have been fixed.
@CubsFan89 gave you the $ .02 that will be worth a million dollars.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Jewels1100 

Maybe you and he need to sit down and prioritize your goals. What do you want above all else? What does he want above all else? If the answer to both is for him to be home more often, then you will have to ways to make that happen whether it be him changing jobs to one with more stable working hours, or you getting a job (if you don't work right now), or downsizing your home/expenses. If it's anything else, then you will have to figure out ways to make time for each other like @CubsFan89 has done. 

There is a cost and a benefit to everything in life. You just have to figure out is the cost is worth the benefit.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is usually a phase in a marriage. 

He sounds like a very good man.

I had the work and paycheck focus our first 10 years, then fell into the cycle again, but with age and experience will come wisdom. 

Experience in marriage and career. 

This can and will pass. If you don't mind my asking you mentioned it's the adrenaline. 

Are you taking a physical job, sales job, corporate job, or?

All can bring the rush of adrenaline and sense accomplishment.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Yes, always put your marriage ahead of your children or you are teaching your children to settle when they are older and get married.
> Show them, teach them, what love looks like.


This

And people balk at this so often. It's like they are picturing a burning building where someone rescues their spouse instead of the kids. That isn't it.

The marriage is central. That doesn't mean the kids suffer. In fact, they THRIVE in a home with a happy marriage. It's a little like how people freak out six ways from Sunday over the word "submission."

The marriage relationship should be a regular, consistent priority. When kids see mom and dad as a connected, close, team, they are more secure.

OP, I would draw a line in the sand about this, but come with solutions. Come with a calendar and dates selected. I don't know how your finances are, but come with the names of a few highly recommended yard people, repairmen, etc. Tell your husband that he is important to you, that your marriage is important to you, and can we please take these steps to stay connected.

Maybe if he realized HE doesn't have to figure it all out, he'd be more open?


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## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

Thank you everyone ! You all had similar advice so I wont go through and individually respond but I agree that making time for us as a couple would be key.

My problem comes when he changes plans .... for Christmas I made us a "date night" calendar with each month being a specific date idea. Nothing expensive or extravagant. Well we have only managed to stick to 1. Thats 1 date in 4 months, and then he took a OT shift right after our date ended and worked all night. Every time we make plans work comes up or hes trying to see how long the date will be so that he can plan work around it. Or he says sure we can plan that but if work comes up we'll have to cancel.

I feel like I am not a priority but when I mention this to him he says he understands and says that he is working so hard for our family. I tell him if he works so hard that he never sees us then one day we just wont be here when he decides to come back. We are not hard up financially ! I am mostly a stay at home mom at his request, I have held onto my job by changing to a casual at the hospital so I can work only enough to stay employed. I would love to work more and have my own career but that cant happen until my kids are grown due his insane work hours. I want my kids to have a sense of stability and 2 shift working parents would be so hard on everyone.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jewels1100 said:


> Thank you everyone ! You all had similar advice so I wont go through and individually respond but I agree that making time for us as a couple would be key.
> 
> My problem comes when he changes plans .... for Christmas I made us a "date night" calendar with each month being a specific date idea. Nothing expensive or extravagant. Well we have only managed to stick to 1. Thats 1 date in 4 months, and then he took a OT shift right after our date ended and worked all night. Every time we make plans work comes up or hes trying to see how long the date will be so that he can plan work around it. Or he says sure we can plan that but if work comes up we'll have to cancel.
> 
> I feel like I am not a priority but when I mention this to him he says he understands and says that he is working so hard for our family. I tell him if he works so hard that he never sees us then one day we just wont be here when he decides to come back. We are not hard up financially ! I am mostly a stay at home mom at his request, I have held onto my job by changing to a casual at the hospital so I can work only enough to stay employed. I would love to work more and have my own career but that cant happen until my kids are grown due his insane work hours. I want my kids to have a sense of stability and 2 shift working parents would be so hard on everyone.



If you aren't hard up financially, then why is your husband working OT?

It sounds to me like your husband enjoys being at work more than he enjoys being with his family. Look at his actions not his words. Someone who genuinely wants to be with his wife will make time for her.


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## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

Lila said:


> *If you aren't hard up financially, then why is your husband working OT?*
> 
> It sounds to me like your husband enjoys being at work more than he enjoys being with his family. Look at his actions not his words. Someone who genuinely wants to be with his wife will make time for her.


We do rely on some amount of OT as our regular income since I dont make very much money working just a few days a month. In my opinion its become part obsession(more money), part about advancement in his career, and part about it being more interesting than being at home. Im glad he loves his job.....but I think he loves it more than us.
He will often work 8-12 days in a row ....10-15 hours a day.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If it was just about making money to support the family, he wouldn't have a to-do list a mile long at home. It seems like he's just wants to fill his time with projects and responsibilities. It almost seems like he's "addicted" to working, whether at a job or at home. Soft activities, like hanging out with you and the kids, are not a priority to him. I think you will have to lay down the law that he only works 40-50 hours per week at a job. That way even if he spends all his time working on the house, at least he's at the house and the kids can help or whatever. One consequence of reduced hours might be that you have to work more hours and/or cut household expenses, so make sure you take that into account. 

On the plus side, at least you don't have a lazy bum husband who just wants to sit around all day watching TV


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jewels1100 said:


> We do rely on some amount of OT as our regular income since I dont make very much money working just a few days a month. In my opinion its become part obsession(more money), part about advancement in his career, and part about it being more interesting than being at home. Im glad he loves his job.....but I think he loves it more than us.
> He will often work 8-12 days in a row ....10-15 hours a day.


Oh no. I'm so sorry. I think you're going to have to make a stand on this one. I fear that if he continues down this route, one (or both) of you will fall out of love. At best you'll end up divorced. At worse one of you will end up having an affair.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Jewels1100 said:


> His To-Do list is a mile long when he is home , all his time is taken up.


I can offer a partial solution. If his to-do list is a mile long, then it's time to hire someone to help out with that. If the items on the list are things like fixing a door, removing a tree stump, painting a room, etc then other people can do the work. Once upon a time, it was common to hire people to help with things. Many, if not most, households had a maid, even if they weren't wealthy. Now the current generation is strangely adverse to it. It gets other people work, it's good for the economy, it's good all around. If your husband is working 70+ hours a week then he can certainly afford it. 

Something for your husband to consider - I'm former military , and job took me away for extended periods and I missed many of the kids birthdays, etc. I can never get that back. I would do anything for the chance to be there again. Your husband maybe doesn't realize what a toll this can take on him later. On their death beds, in the last hours of life, no one is ever thinking: "I should have worked longer hours in my life" or "I wish I had spent less time with my children."


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Jewels1100 said:


> I know he finds home life much more difficult.


One line of argument is that he should be home more with you because "it's the right thing to do" and that may work to some extent.

But, you're going to have a better chance of changing his behavior if you can find a way to make his time at home with you more rewarding so that he'd actually want to do it.

He seems like a decent guy who does help out around the house when he's there and certainly provides for the family, so it doesn't seem like you've got to "bribe" him into doing something he should be doing anyway.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jewels1100 said:


> In my opinion its become part obsession(more money), part about advancement in his career, and part about it being more interesting than being at home. Im glad he loves his job.....but I think he loves it more than us.


As to the "more money".... id it possible that you and your husband have different concepts of "financial success" ? My wife and I clearly do. My wife tries to convince me "you should be retired, having fun"..... then, within an hour or two, she will be surfing the internet, or watching HGTV, and telling me how terrific and wonderful these homes are..... then within another hour or two, she will be complaining about our house, where it's located, how we have no one to help us outside without paying a fortune, etc.....

I get very mixed messages.....honestly, I don't know which one she wants. But, I know this, I know how to fix things and how to make money. I have no idea how to be "retired". Most of the time, I choose the "default" because, if I "retired", all the things she complains about will get worse, not better. And, I cannot even come close to a million buck fenced-in palace in Grenada. I won't ever.

As to the "career advancement"....I fully get that. My wife said "your job"..... I said "my career".... to my wife, a "job" wasn't important. To me, my "career" was EVERYTHING.

As to the "loves it more than us"..... I have to say, I never thought about it in those terms. I wonder if your husband does ?


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## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

Theseus said:


> *I can offer a partial solution. If his to-do list is a mile long, then it's time to hire someone to help out with that. *If the items on the list are things like fixing a door, removing a tree stump, painting a room, etc then other people can do the work. Once upon a time, it was common to hire people to help with things. Many, if not most, households had a maid, even if they weren't wealthy. Now the current generation is strangely adverse to it. It gets other people work, it's good for the economy, it's good all around. If your husband is working 70+ hours a week then he can certainly afford it.
> 
> Something for your husband to consider - I'm former military , and job took me away for extended periods and I missed many of the kids birthdays, etc. I can never get that back. I would do anything for the chance to be there again. Your husband maybe doesn't realize what a toll this can take on him later. *On their death beds, in the last hours of life, no one is ever thinking: "I should have worked longer hours in my life" *or "I wish I had spent less time with my children."


I 100% agree with you ! I try to hire people to do things for us but then I get scolded about "wasting" the money hes earning. Its a constant battle between us ............me "wasting" the money. I feel like its a battle I cant win !
I have no idea if he honestly would feel regret for working so much. I truly think he believes he is doing the best thing no matter what I or anyone says. We are wrong, he is right.


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## Jewels1100 (Apr 11, 2019)

TJW said:


> As to the "more money".... i*d it possible that you and your husband have different concepts of "financial success" ? * My wife and I clearly do. My wife tries to convince me "you should be retired, having fun"..... then, within an hour or two, she will be surfing the internet, or watching HGTV, and telling me how terrific and wonderful these homes are..... then within another hour or two, she will be complaining about our house, where it's located, how we have no one to help us outside without paying a fortune, etc.....
> 
> I get very mixed messages.....honestly, I don't know which one she wants. But, I know this, I know how to fix things and how to make money. I have no idea how to be "retired". Most of the time, I choose the "default" because, if I "retired", all the things she complains about will get worse, not better. And, I cannot even come close to a million buck fenced-in palace in Grenada. I won't ever.
> 
> ...


We definitely do have different ideas of success. I would be happy in a nice town home with moderate income. Vacations every few years. Lots of memories with the kids and making sure they grow up with happy parents as good role models.
My husbands idea of success is a high rank career, a custom build home , a vacation home, lots and lots of money in investments and early retirement ( ahaha ya right hell never retire). 

I know he does love his job more. It hurts every day


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One issue is that there isn't anything inherently wrong with what you or he wants. Both lifestyles have their own advantages and disadvantages. Both are perfectly acceptable ways of living and many people do so happily. The issue here is more about incompatibility rather than someone doing something harmful. So the solution is probably about coming up with a compromise that works for you both. 

One thing that might work initially is to have scheduled times where he has to be home and do family stuff. So he can't be working on the roof, on his phone, etc. He has to be hanging with the family and enjoying that experience. I know scheduling isn't the ideal solution, but it might work to have something rigid initially to get things moving in the right direction.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

How old are your kids, are they school age? If so, then that means you have more time to work than just a here and there day. His issue may not be about money, but if you are going to try and make some kind of presentation to him to show he can cut back, then you making more than you currently do will be a positive box to check. I dont think he realizes that he stands to lose everything if he doesnt make some kind of change. A marriage cannot thrive in the conditions that yours is currently in, this cant go on forever. 

Have you made sure there isnt another woman in the picture? Dont say he doesnt have time, because if he got involved with someone, some of those hours would be going to her and you would be none the wiser. I hope this isnt it, but it would be dense to think its not a possibility.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Yes, always put your marriage ahead of your children or you are teaching your children to settle when they are older and get married.
> Show them, teach them, what love looks like.


And this is very true.

In all matters, take your spouses side.

As my boys matured I took the time to explain and show them dear W and I are together on things, and btw I've known your Mom longer than you, chose her, love you but will always stick by dear W.

And the boys learned, they both are good husbands now themselves.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Ditto about him possibly having an interest in a co-worker, but i hope not.

Also, i'm wondering if he got his work ethic/expectations from his family of origin? Either of his parents could have been over achievers or under achievers and this has influenced his work habits and relationship styles. His home could have been one with no feelings of connection and intimacy and he does not value that as part of marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jewels1100 said:


> We definitely do have different ideas of success. I would be happy in a nice town home with moderate income. Vacations every few years. Lots of memories with the kids and making sure they grow up with happy parents as good role models.
> My husbands idea of success is a high rank career, a custom build home , a vacation home, lots and lots of money in investments and early retirement ( ahaha ya right hell never retire).
> 
> I know he *does love his job more*. It hurts every day


If this is actually true then you may need to leave. I know guys like this. It won’t change


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

frusdil said:


> You MUST make time for your marriage, if it is at risk in any way, everything else needs to come second while you repair it. You need to make your husband understand how serious this is.


I agree with this 100%; this is something that you really need to make him understand. I was in a similar situation during my short marriage as well. We didn’t have kids, but my H worked A LOT. Thing is that he didn’t even really work; he’d play on Facebook, play sudoku online, read sports articles, toastmasters, etc. Unlike your H, mine didn’t help much with anything around the house (his only 2 chores were taking out the garbage on Mondays and refilling the big water jugs; that was all he could handle doing). I talked to him (and talked and talked and talked), and every time, he failed to see the importance of working together, making time for one another, being present. Our divorce was finalized in Fall of 2018 because I couldn’t handle being married on paper only. I wanted a partner, and he wasn’t willing to understand the importance of that.

So, talk to him. Make him understand that this is a dealbreaker for you, that you will not stand for this anymore, and that you need him as your partner who’s a present figure in your life. If you cannot get him to understand the gravity of this, maybe a couple’s counsellor can. Much luck to you; you’re in a difficult spot and I know how you feel.


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## dallasgia (Jun 4, 2018)

Dear Jewels

I’m 22 years into a marriage where H was busy busy. Work, men’s sports leagues, projects, missions, etc. not much time/desire for wife. Guess what. Kids up and self sufficient and after years of emotional/physical neglect - I am now the workaholic spending extra time at the office, busy every night yoga, women’s groups, happy hours. He didn’t choose to spend time with me for so many years that I now avoid spending time with him. Once there are years strong neural pathways laid down … it is extremely difficult to undo. You 2 need counseling ASAP. I wish I had insisted. Now I just exist until a good time (for the kids) to make my exit.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

dallasgia said:


> Dear Jewels
> 
> I’m 22 years into a marriage where H was busy busy. Work, men’s sports leagues, projects, missions, etc. not much time/desire for wife. Guess what. Kids up and self sufficient and after years of emotional/physical neglect - I am now the workaholic spending extra time at the office, busy every night yoga, women’s groups, happy hours. He didn’t choose to spend time with me for so many years that I now avoid spending time with him. Once there are years strong neural pathways laid down … it is extremely difficult to undo. You 2 need counseling ASAP. I wish I had insisted. Now I just exist until a good time (for the kids) to make my exit.
> 
> ...


Sad part of that is you have grown apart, and it wasn't what you thought it would be as a married couple but you felt no other option in staying together and be happy yourself so you established your own life. Nothing wrong with it as long as it truly works for you and you are happy living as roommates. I was married 24 years.....husband was all about career, his interests, his time, his projects, his this that and the other but no matter how much I tried to be a part or I asked him for his time, he simply was not available. I finally left as I felt unloved, unwanted and rejected.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for decades to a man for whom career was everything. Our family was always second. Yes, we had every material thing that you named on your husband's list of "wants". But I don't recommend that life.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Jewels1100 said:


> I put a brief post in the new members section but wanted to come here now that I’m approved.
> I’m 36 and have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids and live a pretty “normal” life. However my husband works pretty much constantly, 50-70+ hours a week. His work requires shifts which are days, afternoons, nights, weekends, holidays and then he works most of his days off as well. Some days like tonight he doesn’t even come home, just sleeps at work.
> I do almost everything alone , eat , sleep, kids activities, birthdays ....... I’m so lonely. I never envisioned marriage to be this way. I envisioned a partner, a best friend ! We have talked about this more than a dozen times, tried to set up boundaries about how much over time he can work, ways to make the family a priority but it always goes back to the old ways. He can never say NO ..... and I end up being the bad guy when I ask him to stay home.
> My husband is an amazing man. He works as much as he does but always is doing house work and helping with the kids when he’s home. But I’m left out. His To-Do list is a mile long when he is home , all his time is taken up.
> I just don’t know where to go from here.


I feel for you, this sounds so much like my ex marriage. My hubby was obsessed with his extreme outdoor sports. It's all he ever wanted to do. I was willing to do a scaled down version of his sports (moderate bouldering, as opposed to extreme mountaineering, road biking as opposed to extreme mountain biking) but he wouldn't have it. It was his way or the highway. Trying to get him to go to a movie, out to dinner, or even attend a wedding was like pulling teeth. When he would agree to go, he would pout like a child. Eventually HE divorced me, and honestly, looking back, I should have been the one to divorce him. 

I had tried to bring us together, tried to find some common activity we could enjoy together, but he just kept saying "no, no, no" so at one point I made a conscious decision to back off, and stop asking for him to spend time with me. I developed a separate life of my own, thinking it might make me more interesting to him. I thought perhaps he would start to miss me, and would reach out to me for some together time. Didn't happen. He had multiple affairs, mostly with women who were into his extreme version of sports, and as upset as I was about his multiple affairs and the divorce, it turns out to be the best thing.

I am now married to someone WONDERFUL and we do just about everything together. My husband ENTHUSIASTICALLY goes to plays, concerts, community service projects, social activities with friends, with me. We are both retired and our life together is wonderful. 

I don't know if leaving is an option for you. The "d" word danced across my mind a few times, due to my lonely marriage, but I really wanted to make it work. Then he pulled the rug out from under me and asked for a divorce so he could be with a co-worker that he had decided to be with, after having numerous affairs. I was blind sided, I never suspected he was cheating, or even wanted a divorce, I figured he was just so wildly obsessed with his mountain sports. Felt like a fool.

Are you SURE your hubby isn't having an affair or using the job as an excuse to not spend time with you.

Good luck.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Some people define success through the money they earn. These people tend to live a "live to work" instead of a "work to live" lifestyle. It's going to be next to impossible to get him out of this mindset. 

I'll take a different approach. If you rely on overtime to support your lifestyle, you are probably living above your means. Cutting costs would be an area you can take control over from home. Perhaps if he doesn't feel like he HAS to be at work all the time to pay the bills, he will choose to spend more time at home.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Some people define success through the money they earn. These people tend to live a "live to work" instead of a "work to live" lifestyle. It's going to be next to impossible to get him out of this mindset.
> 
> I'll take a different approach. If you rely on overtime to support your lifestyle, you are probably living above your means. Cutting costs would be an area you can take control over from home. Perhaps if he doesn't feel like he HAS to be at work all the time to pay the bills, he will choose to spend more time at home.


Even at that Dude, so many men cannot let go. My ex was so anal.....he was military so we had to move. I was self-employed which worked with our moves and 5 children. We never went hungry, we never unable to meet our bills, we did not live beyond our means but in the 2 months I would take to put the house together for each move he would become so unbearable because all income was left to him. He complained to the kids on how much toilet paper they used and how much milk they put on their cereal. Working and raising 5 kids when a huge burden is placed on your shoulders is not easy. I wish I would have had more time with my children but to keep this man from going off the deep end on us all I felt I had to work.


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