# Everyone's a hero in their own way



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Discussions in a couple of threads over the past few days got me thinking, which is always dangerous. ;-)

It probably goes without saying that no one wants to be the "villain" in their own life's story. Does this factor in to the how's and why's of some cheating spouses continuing to rationalize and justify their affairs, even after saying, in so many words, "What I did was wrong" (which is often followed by, "...but...")? We see it frequently on here, when a cheating spouse continues to blame-shift, often trying to cast the betrayed spouse in the role of "villain," either consciously or not.

I wonder what kind of impact it would make if they recast their "story" as, say, one of redemption?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

It goes without saying really - there's 3 sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth. His side and her side are both probably I'm the good guy, he/she is the bad guy. I've never met anyone who admitted to an affair who didn't try to justify it by somehow making their spouse out to be if not a villain, at least someone who failed to meet their needs to the point where they HAD to go outside the marriage to get those needs met.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I may qualify a little on that one. I have no illusions of ownership of my affair - zero. I did it and I have taken full accountability for it. I didn't even know why I did it until I found this site and the people here, along with my wife, helped me to process the whole thing. It happened because my AP met a need I didn't know I had in exactly the right way, I was vulnerable because I didn't like myself very much at that time. I figured out that in addition to a little neglect my wife and I were paying to each other that I had become an arrogant, insufferable, ass and was treating my wife like my child rather than my partner. My affair, actually the aftermath of my affair, knocked all of that out of me and left me much much humbled from what I had been. My wife, God bless her, understood and loved me enough to support me in dealing with it all rather than punish or berate me over what I had done to her (which she would have been totally justified in doing). So she and I were able to deal with and process the affair, realize that we had neglected our relationship in recent years and improve that, and I came out with a new attitude and perspective on my life. Today I treat her as an equal, I'm not nearly as arrogant or quick to judge others, and she and I are as good as we've ever been.

All in all a story of redemption to me (us I think). A very high price to pay for she and I both but all of us - she, I and our marriage grew as a result and used it to better ourselves.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I find when talking to my friends or other people who support me, that THEY are the ones pointing my stbxw as the villain and me as the one that has been wronged. They say I talk too nicely about her and they'd be so p!ssed off. The thing is for my own sake I need to own up to the things I have neglected, however it is hard to separate my real failures from the blame that was all being shifted around. Personally I don't see it as good guy/bad guy, its just people going about life sometimes making mistakes and sometimes doing the right thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I never feel like the hero in my past story of leaving my live-in-co-parent relationship. I carried that blame for years....about 5 to be exact. 

I did learn from my mistake, however. I learned not to start one relationship without having the nerve to end the one I'm already in. More importantly, I learned to give my current relationship 100%. Whatever i think I may be feeling for someone else, I have to stop and think about my current relationship and what is lacking and how to fix it.

I haven't felt that way since getting married though. My husband is my 'dream man'...so now it's just about fixing myself and hoping he comes home soon.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Grayson said:


> It probably goes without saying that no one wants to be the "villain" in their own life's story. Does this factor in to the how's and why's of some cheating spouses continuing to rationalize and justify their affairs, even after saying, in so many words, "What I did was wrong" (which is often followed by, "...but...")? We see it frequently on here, when a cheating spouse continues to blame-shift, often trying to cast the betrayed spouse in the role of "villain," either consciously or not.
> 
> I wonder what kind of impact it would make if they recast their "story" as, say, one of redemption?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wrote a piece a few weeks ago on Ownership, the idea is for the WS to reflect and hopefully come to fully accept what they did without blame shifting. Hope some find it of use.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/28260-taking-ownership.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have cheated. My choice. My decision. I post the facts as they happened.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

And that why we love JB.
Straight to the point and no messing. Just the way I like my facts


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