# Found out wife cheated 7 years ago



## betrayedbykim (Apr 24, 2012)

This is really hard but I am going to try to lay out all of the facts. Any advice from those who have gone through this would be really appreciated.

I am in the military and I met my wife while being stationed in Turkey. She speaks perfect English, better than most Americans in fact. We dated for about a year, fell in love and decided to get married. Right away our marriage had issues. We would fight over stupid stuff and there was a large culture shock for both of us once she moved in. After I took her virginity on our wedding night her sexual appetite seemed insatiable. One night she screamed that she wish she had sex with other men before we were married so that she would know what it was like. For me that was nearly a deal breaker there but I chose to forgive her since she knew I had lots of partners before her and divorcing her in a Muslim country seemed very cruel.

Things got progressively better and I eventually received orders to move to Germany. Once we arrived she became extremely needy which I understood because it was her first time away from her home country and her family. She started saying she needed me to hold her, play with her hair for hours, and if I didn't I was pushing her away. There were days when I did this, for hours, but there were a lot of days I didn't/couldn't. I was in a mobility unit and I was not always home. 

Since she had no desire to make friends with the spouses groups she was very lonely and started to chum up with my male friends. I was always very uncomfortable with this but I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell her she could not be friends with them because then I would be all that she had. At the same time her having any type of male friends really irritated me since I slowly stopped contact with all of my female friends after getting married. My wife would seem to get jealous and uncomfortable so I did what I thought was best for us. Eventually I noticed that some of my male friends had become her friends and I was no longer part of the circle. My gut told me something was very wrong. She would go out shopping with one of them very often and go over to his house to hang out. During this time something in our marriage changed. Sex pretty much stopped almost altogether and she was not nearly as loving or caring (this continues to this day). She would tell me that she tried to fix our marriage during the first couple of years and that she was done. She said if I wanted to work on the marriage to go ahead but it seemed like nothing I ever did was enough or appreciated (again this continues to today). I confronted her when I found pictures he had taken of her with her wearing a pullover of his (she said she was cold). The pictures could only be described as glam poses with bedroom eyes. She convinced me that I was over reacting and that it was my imagination. I wanted to believe it and I had a hard time believing she would cheat on me since she came from a Muslim country and he would get an article 15 from the military and be punished if he touched her (later I found out he probably didn't care about any type of punishment since he frequented the prostitutes all over Germany).

They got into an argument of some type after a few months and she told me he threatened to start rumors that she was cheating on me. My initial reaction was to protect my wife's honor so I called him and told him I heard any such rumor I would immediately report it to our First Sergeant and tell him who started it. As far as I could tell they didn't have contact after that.

Months later another friend she had poached from me who was really close to the 1st male needed a place to stay. My wife volunteered our house and he ended up staying with us for about 3 months. After he left the country my wife developed a new male friend (let's call him male3) who was a customer from the insurance company she worked for. She started spending a lot of time with him and even went sightseeing in Paris with him while I was deployed (it was only a few hours drive).

During our last year in Germany my wife started to push really hard to have a baby. Now I am pretty sure it is mine because I had her take 6 months to prepare to get pregnant. If it was an accident she was trying to cover up then it would have to be immediate.

My wife had the baby in Germany and soon after we move back to the states for my next assignment. During this time my wife seemed to get depressed and kept having strange systems that her doctor said were psychosomatic. I had to deploy again after our daughter's 1st birthday. Male3 was back in the states around this time too so my wife invited him to stay with her for a few weeks and go sightseeing in the capitol. My wife also stayed with my grandparents and a male cousin who sponges off of them while I was deployed. She let me know that she felt really bad for my cousin who had a vast history with drugs and whose life is a mess. She also said he really liked her and he tried to kiss her once but she told him it couldn't happen.
Fast forward to today. My wife and I have now been married 9 years. I had to get a copy of her medical records for a new assignment so she gave written consent for her doctor to provide me with her medical records. After her records were reviewed the copies were given back to me for destruction. As I feed the papers to our shredder I see the following statement from 3 years ago. I believe HA = headache

also c/o HA:
-daily
-able to sleep
-"always stressed"
"I have something to tell you that I have not told anyone else even my husband"
-reports sexual indisretion 4 years ago
-"it's the last thing I think about before falling asleep and the first thing I think about waking up"
-lots of guilt
-worsening stress and anxiety recently
-around time of HA
-feels jittery; "my hands just randomly shake"
-not well r/w tylenol

When I saw this my world crumbled. I had no idea the feelings of betrayal could be so strong and no I have to call into question everyhting. My wife has been in Turkey for the last 6 months and won't return until the 30th. She was originally only supposed to be there for three months to visit her family and attend her brother's wedding while I go to a mandatory military class but she ran into some medical issues and decided she wanted some procedures done in Turkey like I boob and nose job (even though I told her fake boobs are a huge turn off for me). 

I confronted her on the phone a few days ago and her initial reaction was to coldly state that she was going to sue the military and her doctor for letting me find out. Then she said we would need to get divorced since she could no longer live in the same house as me. She refused to answer any questions I had on the affair and eventually only told me the following: It was some guy I didn't know and never met, she met him at a club, it happened twice, they used a condom. She said there was nothing else I needed to know and not to investigate her. She told me she couldn't take it if I treated her like I didn't trust her and that she needs her privacy (this is without me asking even asking for transparency). To my shame I pleaded for her to give our marriage another shot and work through this. I told her I wasn't the best husband in the early years of our marriage but that now that everything is in the open we can work it out. I told her that she has probably had a lot of misplaced anger in me due to her affair which has caused her to be so b*tchy these last 7 years (she has been angry a lot and like I said earlier our marriage seemed to change). I promised not to mention the affair again unless she brings it up. She said she would try to and come back with "the right attitude". She called me back an hour later and told me she let her mom know. I told her now she damaged her parent's relationship because there is no way her mom can tell her father. Her mom advised her to not come home since she is afraid I will kill my wife. I convinced her that I would never kill her adulterous daughter(true) and that it was safe to come home. I am desperate to keep my family together and I don't want to see my daughter grow up in a broken home. So far every time I talk to her I see no signs of remorse. Last night she was even having a party at her parents' house and drinking with her friends. She told me she would call me back later that night but she never did. It is no almost 10pm the next day and I still haven't heard from her. I think I backed myself into a corner with my initial promises and I can't go on as things are. I have a very hard time believing that she told me everything considering the history. If she did tell me everything then her picking up a guy at a bar had to have been premeditated. What kind of wife does that? I have a meeting with a divorce lawyer on Friday to find out what my legal options are.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Get tested for STDs.

Tell her father then divorce her.


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## betrayedbykim (Apr 24, 2012)

A little more info.

I have a hard time arguing with her because she is so good at turning things around and becoming the victim. Her second reaction after threatening to sue was to beg me not to take our daughter from her.

She has yet to apologize or show any remorse to me. Maybe she showed remorse to her mom idk. From what she has told me in the past her father is a drunk who often gets irrational and violent. I don't want my daughter to see her mommy get hurt in front of her.

I am trying to work on myself but once I finish cooking I find that I can't eat. I keep waking up at night and I have lost 9lbs (I am not fat to begin with). I am getting tested for STDs tomorrow after I talk to a Chaplin.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She cheated on you so she has to show the remorse to you. Her mother can be disappointed in her but that's another story. Until she starts begging you and apoligizing for her adultery, I advise you proceed with divorce, that might be the last wake up call for her. Remember, you can stop the divorce anytime she comes clean.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She cheated on you and feels no remorse. Your marriage otherwise was far from perfect.

Think for a while, what's really holding you from exercising some tough love?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I'd bet my pension your wife is personality disordered. In addition to the cheating, many of the other thigs you describe point to this.
Research BPd and the other cluster B disorders. 
You will be much better off away from her.These disorders are intractable.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

oh my gosh!i feel you  i felt sad reading your post really,yeah tell her father what she did!and go get your daughter,but i dont want to rude but make sure she is really your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betrayedbykim (Apr 24, 2012)

BigLiam

I took a look at some of the traits described in those with cluster B personality disorders and they seem pretty much spot on. Thank you for pointing this out. Does this mean she is pretty much unredeemable and having my daughter live with her would be toxic?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

People with PDs can change and get better if they udergo inensive therapy. However, therapy only works to a point. People with PDs are wired incorrectly. They will never be "normal" as far as that description goes.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, but she has been cheating on you for a long time and still is. Her attitude shows this as does her desire for a nose and boob job, You say you get much sex from her, then who is she fixing herself up for then?

She was insatiable, then it stopped with you because she has been getting it from a long string of their guys. You've just been blind to it all, but now you know.

Is your daughter with you or her?

Has she gotten her green card , if not then you can deny her ability to return to the US by divorcing her. If your daughter is with her, try to get them to return to US before you divorce her. Then move quickly to drop a visa block on your daughter leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to realize she may also be hooking up with someone over there which is why she isn't returning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betrayedbykim (Apr 24, 2012)

I just got off the phone with my wife. At first when she picked up she was very standoffish and asked why I have been calling her so much recently (I haven't). After some small talk I pressed her on why she seemed so cold and she told me that I was being too "ballsy" after I found out and she didn't like it. She said that she made mistakes but I had made mistakes too and basically tried to tell me that the whole thing was my fault for making her feel rejected. I tried to explain how I was feeling but she didn't want to hear it. She refused to read the Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights http://jemjester.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/betrayed-spouse-bill-of-rights/ or Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739 

I offered up divorce and she said that although she doesn't love me and that she planned on divorcing me many times, her mother had convinced her to stay in the marriage for our daughter's sake after she found out about the affair. I told her that wasn't enough for me and that it was killing me not to know the details of what happened. She then let me know that it happened three times with the same guy and not twice like she said earlier. She said she thought it was what she was looking for but it just made her feel sick. She said that ever since then she has been completely turned off by any physical contact(including mine) and that talking about it made her feel sick to her stomach so she wasn't going to go into any more info. She said if I really wanted to keep the marriage together I won't talk about it anymore.

She said that I am the best person she has ever known but she doesn't love me and doesn't find anything appealing about me. She made sure to tell me that this was all my fault. She again said she wants remain married for our daughters sake and just stay friends that live together. I told her that would not be enough for me and would be a bad example for our daughter. She then said she would try to work on the marriage but under the terms she gave me before and that it was probably already too late.

@ Shaggy - She is a US citizen now.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, she wants to stay married but no more sex ever again and doesn't love you.

So, why do you still want her?

I hate you, I never want to have sex with you but I'll live with you and you can pay the bills for me...

So, how big of a hammer do I need to grab to make you see the writing on the wall.

File for divorce.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Before it was none, then two hook-ups, now three. Trickle truth.

If she felt so disgusted, why she had to do it three times? Just to be on the safe side?

No sex with you and lots of bodywork probably means sex with someone else.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. It's total bs in light of her wanting the boob job. 

So she's pissed that you are pissed that she cheated. Well it's that's pretty bold. Makes me think there is another man currently, but he is married. Her sense of entitlement just screams current ongoing affair.

You need to stop talking divorce and get your daughter back in the US ASAP. Then have your lawyer ready to block her being taken out of the country. Then you need to divorce. She's not offering marriage, she's offering you to shutop and accept her cheating while you sit home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah, there is something seriously wrong with her. Divorce her. Don't spend the rest of your life with this miserable creature.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Coud she be buying time to grab money? You should move immediately to protect you finances because frankly her reaction just doesn't seem rational.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

OP,

Women - even whack jobs like your WINO (wife in name only) - lose sexual attraction for emotionally weak men who do not respect themselves.

Considering how she disrespected you with inappropriate relationships with other men, as well as her betrayal, you should seriously consider getting a paternity test on your daughter to determine if she is truly yours.

You deserve a lot better than to continue being married to this toxic woman who no sane man would even consider giving the time of day. But ultimately only you can decide if you deserve better or not, I hope you choose wisely.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Act and say whatever it takes to get her back in the USA with your daughter!! Then take and hide the daughter's passports. Lets face it it sounds like your marriage is one of convenience only so get with a lawyer.

Also 9 years of marriage means she gets half of your military retirement. Start protecting yourself!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See a lawyer, in some places there is a manic number of years married which changes the rules for spousal support. Act now and stop talking to her. Go dark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

betrayedbykim said:


> BigLiam
> 
> I took a look at some of the traits described in those with cluster B personality disorders and they seem pretty much spot on. Thank you for pointing this out. Does this mean she is pretty much unredeemable and having my daughter live with her would be toxic?


A very few of these personality disordered people can change. Extremely rare, though.
And, yes, to the extent you can get as much physical custody of your daughter as possible, that would benefit the child.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Boob job? This 1997 study in the AMA journal states that women with breast implants typically have ≥14 lifetime sex partners vs. ≤4 lifetime sex partners for women without implants. You can bet everybody's numbers are higher these days.

http://jama.ama-assn.org/content/277/20/1612.abstract

DNA the child. Divorce the woman.

For future reference, take a look at this link:
The Social Pathologist: Gamma Man.

Again, the link above is for female management in future relationships. Terminate the one you're in now, as she seems incorrigible.


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## kitoptician (May 3, 2012)

Yeah well sounds like my husband now he wants me to trust him and says he needs his privacy..... Yeah to CHEAT. Was the biggest thing at the counseling he complained that I didnt trust him.... HE CHEATED of course I dont trust HIM. And like your wife he tried to turn it all on me. Dont let her play with your emotions she is not wanting a relationship with one person ... she wants to play the field. You cannot make someone be faithful its up to them to make the commitment.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You would have to be a masochist and a complete fool to remain in this so-called marriage. She does not love you and does not want to have any sexual intimacy with you. She is not interested in sex but is getting a nose job and a boob job. What is wrong with this picture?

She has no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your wife constantly has male friends around her. How much more humiliation are you willing to endure? Enough is enough. I guarantee you do not have the full story.


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

you know that you can divorce her and take your daughter with you and US court can take her citizinship a way from her for what she did, specially if you claim that she married you to come to the US and cheated on you during your military,
act nice until she come back, take your baby and divorce her and send her back where she came from, even better, let her live alone in US and work and see what life means.


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## betrayedbykim (Apr 24, 2012)

This is the mother of my child it would not really be in anyone's best interest to burn her. I am certain that if she did not have multiple PAs she at least had several EAs. I know reconciliation is not possible as she maintains I am completely at fault and I think she has rewritten our history to read that I never loved her. She even told me yesterday that she did feel remorseful for a few years but then figured that I didn't really love her so she started to only feel bad for herself for being that person who cheats. She also said that whenever she tells her friends about out "problems" 9 out of 10 of them would tell her to just go out and get a boyfriend or divorce me. I am not sure what problems she could have possibly been telling them that would make them react in this way, if they even did. It is also possible that all of her friends are trash, I know a lot of them are. 

I don't know how she could honestly think I never loved her, but I bet that having this attitude has relieved her from a lot of guilt over the last few years and given her an excuse to treat me like crap.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You should realize she blows whatever flaw you have out of proportion as guilt-coping mechanism to justify her indiscretions. If you are grumpy at times, she'll say you are emotionally abusive. If you take a 6-pack every weekend, she'll present you as an alcoholic, and so on.

She had to convince herself that you never loved her, because otherwise she would not be able to deal with guilt.

It is however all just that, coping. She doesn't really wants to get divorced; she followed up on getting a boyfriend (well not that she needed any hints there) but never took the advice to D. 

Put the divorce on the table, and you'll likely see a dramatic change of attitude.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I only read your first post and I felt the immediate need to tell you this.

*Get your daughter to US first. *

Lie to your wife, bribe your wife, to; 

*Get your daughter to US first. *

As soon as your daugter is in, start the divorce or any other legal procedure that will stop her mommy to take your daughter away from you without your consent.

You went too far to try to deal with this while your wife has the advantage of being away from you and and on her home ground and having your daugter with her.

Get them back to US ASAP.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow, what an incredibly callous woman


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

OP

You should accept that you don't and may never know who your wife is.

I have seen enough international couples including mail order bride's and their husbands.

Cultural difference sometimes is too big for the honest party to to see that their suppouse is not honest and probably looking for a greencard by marriage.

Or worst yet, some people are not meant to share a life with a suppouse. Then best way to not to share but still enjoy the benefits of a marriage is find someone from another culture with whom staying distant even when married is easier.

You don't know who your wife is. Do you think that she can see who you are despite of her lack of understanding of your culture and value you ?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

betrayedbykim said:


> I took a look at some of the traits described in those with cluster B personality disorders and they seem pretty much spot on.


BBK, I agree with BigLiam that the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, fear of abandonment, very controlling behavior, neediness, lack of remorse, always claiming to be "The Victim," black-white thinking, and inability to believe that you ever loved her -- are classic traits of BPD. 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to constitute having full-blown BPD. This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits like verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and vindictiveness. 

I therefore suggest you read my brief description of such traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be happy to discuss it with you and point you to online resources, e.g., a message board at BPDfamily.com that is devoted to ex-spouses who are raising a child with one parent who has BPD. Take care, BBK.


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