# In Pain



## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi All,
First of all, I apologize if there will be any mistakes in the language. English is not my first language.
I have a really long story, and I will try to make it as short as I can. Maybe I will fill the rest of the details in later comments .I discovered the TAM about two weeks ago, and honestly it helped me a LOT! I read many threads here, and some of them were exactly my thoughts and feeling. I was amazed by it .So, long story short, about 5 months ago my H suddenly came home and told me he need a break. I'm 29 and H is 31. We are together for 9 years, married 5 years no kids. I was devastated. We had our issues but I have never ever thought this will come to it. I had a couple of rough years. We couldn't have children, and we had Fertility treatments for about 3.5 years. Finally, about one year ago first time it succeeded. But unfortunately after 2.5 months I had a miscarriage. It was the hardest thing ever. The first 3 months after my H left, I thought I'm going to die. I didn't eat, sleep and talk. I lost weight. I moved out and stayed at my parents' house for 2 months. No need to say that the reason of this sudden "BREAK" is OW. I kept on blaming myself for everything! That was a real shock to me. Never ever thought he could do this. He was the most amazing H (until the last year). People always were jealous of our relationship. He is my first love, my first lover, and he was all I have ever lived for. I don’t know how to live without him. Everything I have ever done was for him. I don’t know even how to live for myself .The situation now is that I have rented a little apartment by myself, first time ever living alone. He was shocked when told him I will be moving out to live alone. I'm trying EVERYHTING for R. literally EVERYHING you can think of. But when I started to read the TAM I discovered the 180, and now this is my new strategy. Having a real hard time to do it. The OW is older than him, and have 3 kids (!!!). This is so hurtful that sometimes I cannot stop crying. My heart is in so much pain that I don’t know how to deal with. I am seeing a counselor and I feel a lot of progress in this 5 months, but I still love him and think about him 24/7.
Not to say, that we are still in contact. We still sleep together (I know it is a mistake. but This was a major issue in our marriage and I need to show him it can be better than it was. And it is a lot better!). But he still cannot leave the OW. And it drives me crazy! WTF?? I know you will all say that this is the perfect situation for him to have 2 women, but I keep telling myself that he is not that type of men, and each time I'm disappointed all over again.
I feel like I need to show him how good it can be (because honestly I haven't been myself for this years, and I feel I ow him at least this). I know he made a HUGE mistake by cheating me and I think this pain will stay in my heart for the rest of my life…..
Sorry again if this thread is all over the place…. I have tried to organize it as much as I can.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break,

What are you doing in IC to help your self esteem? What are you doing in IC to help your confidence? What is it, that you want help on? I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a painful process no doubt, but you need to help yourself. That is your starting point, and your IC should be orchestrating this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi Drifting on,
Thanks for your words.
I know i have a low self esteem, and the IC is helping me to deal with it. I don't know why I have a low self esteem, I think i look good, I have a nice job, I currently finishing my master degree. I know I'm a good person and do anything to help the people I love. And still..... So the IC is helping me to undesrtand the reasons and work on the self esteem issues. So far there is a small progress...I do fill a lot stronger then ever before, but the pain is still there.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm very sorry you're here.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to re-double your efforts (try a lot harder) on The 180. You are competing with the OW to try to win your H back. He is using you both. You need to show him that you will not tolerate being two-timed and you will not share him with an OW.

Right now, all you're showing him is that you don't value yourself very much. I understand feeling this way, I really do. I blamed myself at first for my H's cheating - even let him make me feel bad about his unhappiness in the marriage that he never bothered to tell me about that he felt caused him to cheat. When I read The 180 and started following it, I stopped blaming myself. Yes, we have some responsibility for the problems in our marriage that made our husbands unhappy, but we are 0% responsible for their cheating. That's a choice they made, and a very selfish and cowardly choice, at that.

Do his family and friends know about what he's doing? They should. Otherwise he gets to stay in the magical fairy tale world he's created in which two women are throwing themselves at him, and he has no real consequences to face. Why should you be in all this pain alone because of his nonsense?

You're well educated and sound like a very nice and attractive person. You have a lot to offer to the right person who'll appreciate you, and treat you with respect and honor. I know it's hard to face, but this man isn't that person.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm very sorry you're here.
> 
> I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to re-double your efforts (try a lot harder) on The 180. You are competing with the OW to try to win your H back. He is using you both. You need to show him that you will not tolerate being two-timed and you will not share him with an OW.
> 
> ...


Nomorebeans, thanks for you kind words. 
I understand what you are saying. And I'm trying soooo hard to stick to it. It is the hardest thing i haver ever done. I'm so blaming myself for everything. His family knows it all. I didn't told any of our friends and my family because I just can't do it. I'm still hopping for R, and I don't want them to know what he is doing now. The most redicoulous thing is that I can't even be mad at him all the way. And I want to be mad at him! he F**** up our entire life. I'm in so much pain. Every morning i'm struggling to get out of bed. I cry every single day. I know that i'm stronger then before, but some days the pain is just unbearable. Thanks again for trying to help!


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## IDon'tKnowAnymore (Jul 6, 2015)

I am so sorry for your pain. But I think it's good that you've reached out for help. 
That's all I can say right now.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You need to GET angry with him, girlfriend. The Depression stage felt like it was killing me when I went through it. I felt like I was barely breathing. Then I found all the texts between my H and the OW from before I even knew about her that he had saved. And I got, I'm sorry, but fvcking mad. In them, they had talked about wedding rings, songs, and venues. Texted each other pictures of rings and beach wedding locales. Ended every text with "Love you" when they had only spent a total of six days together. When we had been married for 24 years and he'd never even mentioned being unhappy with our marriage. He texted her from other countries when he had told me his phone's data plan didn't support that, so he'd never once texted me when he was out of the country, which he was for his job two or three times a month for years.

Yes, I got fvcking mad, and that anger saved me. You need to take a good hard look at what your H is doing. Do you have access to his texts, or at least to billing statements that show how often he's texting and calling that same number? If so, look at it. You may think you don't want to know, but you're just postponing the inevitable by denying it, and letting him continue to make a fool out of you.

The most important thing I want you to understand, and your therapist should be helping you with this, too, is this is NOT your fault. You did not cause this. You do not deserve it. Your H lacks moral character. And this is s tough one to face: he doesn't love you. Don't believe him if he tells you he still does. His actions are not those of a person who has any regard for you at all. Remember what The 180 says: Believe nothing you hear from him. He will say anything now to justify his actions and feel less guilty. None of it is true.

I'm 50 and got this sh!t sandwich delivered to me a few months ago, after spending more than half my life with this man. I know you've spent a third of yours with your H, and he's the only love you've known so far, so it's especially hard for you. But you've still got a lot of life ahead, and time to eventually, when you're ready, have a partner who's truly worthy of you and who will honor and cherish you. Even if R were possible with this one, his remorselessly continuing to see her doesn't bode well for his taking any R truly seriously. Would you be able to trust him again? I know I couldn't continue to live with someone who hasn't stopped lying to me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Heart Break said:


> Nomorebeans, thanks for you kind words.
> I understand what you are saying. And I'm trying soooo hard to stick to it. It is the hardest thing i haver ever done. I'm so blaming myself for everything. His family knows it all. I didn't told any of our friends and my family because I just can't do it. I'm still hopping for R, and I don't want them to know what he is doing now. The most redicoulous thing is that I can't even be mad at him all the way. And I want to be mad at him! he F**** up our entire life. I'm in so much pain. Every morning i'm struggling to get out of bed. I cry every single day. I know that i'm stronger then before, but some days the pain is just unbearable. Thanks again for trying to help!


I feel for you too. So sorry you are going through this.

Good job moving out!

You already know this, but it is a mistake to have sex with him if he has not given up the OW. It's hard but I think a better strategy is to tell him the idea of him touching you when he's been with another woman has become absolutely repulsive to you.

There is a saying:
Follow, and they will flee. Flee, and they will follow.

He may enjoy the roll in the hay with you, but he cannot respect you when you are having sex with him when you both know he is also with another woman. Men need the pursuit. They need to win the woman. He is being handed you and that in itself diminishes your value in his eyes.

If he was not your one and only you might see him very differently and realize he is no catch. You don't have children. You could find someone else who treats you with love and respect and if you can't conceive you can adopt, many people are fine with that. You can have your fairy tale life but you need to get free of this man who is using you and treating you like crap to do that.

And you will find that as soon as you TRULY disengage from him, he will probably come begging you to take him back but by then you may realize you are happier without him.

Stay strong. It will get better.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Nomorebeans,
I'm so sorry you've been through all this. Hard to imagine 24 years of marriege ended up this way. Really sorry. I have days that i also feel like i'm barely breathing.
I don't have any access to his phone records, but I know for sure hey are still in touch. What hurts the most is that i really dedicated my life to make everything his way, and it was fine by me (this was probably also a mistake). I know that a lot of his actions and the things he is saying are to cover his guilt. But when we do meet, he constatly give me compliments, and say that i'm his best friend and all this crap. I really try to look on the positive in this all situation but it is very hard and painful. Today, when I went through some process i understand better that this was not 100% my fault. Although in the beginnig i couldn't see that. But i do understand my mistakes and ready to admit them and work on them. He isn't for now..... Thanks again. I really appriciate your comments. It is really helpful.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> I feel for you too. So sorry you are going through this.
> 
> Good job moving out!
> 
> ...


WorkingWife, Thank you!
I do understand it is a mistake. But the feelings are sometimed stronger. Some of the pain is that he is my one and only, and i have never faced this situation before, so it is a lot harder to start dealing with it now. This is a great saying, I wish i will be able to truly follow it and truly disengage from him. Maybe someday.... I just going day by day now, even minute by minute sometimes. Hope it will get better soon. Thanks again!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Serve him divorce papers.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You will never begin to heal until you let him go. He's gone already at least emotionally. 

Get mad, get good and mad, he destroyed your marriage! For me mad is an easier emotion to deal with. I have been in your shoes and I am sorry you are there now.

My thoughts are with you.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Heart Break said:


> WorkingWife, Thank you!
> I do understand it is a mistake. But the feelings are sometimed stronger. Some of the pain is that he is my one and only, and i have never faced this situation before, so it is a lot harder to start dealing with it now. This is a great saying, I wish i will be able to truly follow it and truly disengage from him. Maybe someday.... I just going day by day now, even minute by minute sometimes. Hope it will get better soon. Thanks again!


You're welcome, and it definitely will get better. I suspect things between you two will either get better or they will reach their breaking point and you will get out. 

I also wanted to say that it is so easy to give good advice! Other people's situations are so clear and obvious to me! But I have managed to botch my own life up big time by pursuing courses of action I logically know in my mind probably will not end well, but I have felt compelled to do them anyhow... 

I really wish I had understood the "Follow and they will flee" psychology when I was younger. And also understood that there will always be someone for you. If you feel afraid to get out because a part of you doesn't think you'll find someone, just go sit at the mall for the afternoon and watch the couples and families go by. You'll see all kinds of people who, quite frankly, don't look like they have anything special going on, but are with someone and they seem happy... Think of people who get married 4,5,6 times. Of course you do not want that, and I'm not saying they are happy, but my point is, they keep managing to find someone else...

People are complicated. People have affairs and recover and go on to have wonderful marriages and you have every right to fight for your marriage. I just don't think your "one true love" would ever treat you this way.

You might want to check this out:
Surviving an Affair - Start Here First - Marriage Builders® Forums
That forum gives advice to save marriage after an affair. It's not "friendly/chatty" in the way TAM is, but they specialize in helping people recover their marriages. I believe their "Plan B" is similar to the 180. You also might benefit from the book "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley. I've heard it is excellent. The website above is his.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Heart Break said:


> WorkingWife, Thank you!
> I do understand it is a mistake. But the feelings are sometimed stronger. Some of the pain is that he is my one and only, and i have never faced this situation before, so it is a lot harder to start dealing with it now. This is a great saying, I wish i will be able to truly follow it and truly disengage from him. Maybe someday.... I just going day by day now, even minute by minute sometimes. Hope it will get better soon. Thanks again!


One other thing to think very hard about:

He could easily get an STD from this other woman and pass it to you. And some STD's, like Herpes and HPV you can never completely get rid of. Some of these STD's are highly contagious and much more rampant that people realize, and women catch them more easily than men, so he could pass something to you never even knowing she or he has it. That in itself is a good reason to tell him you are not willing to risk having sex with him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If you were actually doing the 180 at all you would NOT be sleeping with him or engaging with him at all. He is having his cake and eating it. Difficulty in having kids is traumatic for both of you and has put an incredible strain on your marriage. But what he has done in response tells you alot about the type of man he is. You are much better off without him. Although he is 31 he is immature and callous and has treated you in a despicable way. Move on, do the 180 for you, go dark on him, get your life back together. There are many men out there who would be glad to marry you and adopt kids. He is not worth your pain and suffering.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break

This process is very painful, very humiliating, very confusing, and nothing but destruction and destroying. You are going to have days you won't know how you even made it through. You will go from day to day, to minute by minute, to hour by hour. You will be in a room and feel totally alone. You will blame yourself and think you have done everything wrong. This is all normal, as abnormal as that seems. 

Your pain is even worse because you still share him with the OW. Stop sharing yourself with him, go to IC and get your confidence and self esteem back. Learn the 180 and do not deviate from it. If he comes over kick him out, let him know that if he is still contacting her he doesn't contact you. My WW was and still is my one and only, I know how that feels and it's very humbling and humiliating. You feel as though you couldn't please your spouse and he has to go elsewhere. You, like me, blamed this on yourself when your spouse is the weak one, the one that couldn't keep their vows. I'll tell you this Heart Break, I even bought pills thinking I was inadequate in size for intimacy!! That's how crazy infidelity made me. I lost all my confidence, then I found TAM. 

It wasn't me, it was my WW, she made the bad choice and it wasn't because of me. Listen to the people here, it will minimize the pain. I had everything lined up to divorce, all I had to do was separate the phone bill and we were on the fast track to divorce. You have to be willing to end your marriage to save it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> You're welcome, and it definitely will get better. I suspect things between you two will either get better or they will reach their breaking point and you will get out.
> 
> I also wanted to say that it is so easy to give good advice! Other people's situations are so clear and obvious to me! But I have managed to botch my own life up big time by pursuing courses of action I logically know in my mind probably will not end well, but I have felt compelled to do them anyhow...
> 
> ...


I really feel that way regarding giving advices to other people. Honestly, I'm a very logical person and when it comes to others I always know what the right thing to say and how to deal with any problem. But when it comes to myself, I lost it. The emotions and constant thinking are taking over my head... I read the plan A/plan B article. I did the plan A for almost 5 monts now, without even knowing that. Now it is probably time to start plan B. The most difficult thing ever! I cry so much. I'm so emotionally exhausted... You gave me some really good advices to think about! Thanks for that!


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Thank you all! 
drifting on, I'm really sorry that you have gone through that. I can relate to every word that you wrote. I feel the same way.
It really was very traumatic the process of trying to get pregnant and have kids. It took all my strenghts. Now when I can see it with an open mind, I understand how hard it was. The most painfull thing now, that he always said it's ok that we don't have kids, we don't need to rush. And now he is with OW with 3 kids.... It crushes me down. That i couldn't gave him kids.
The hardest thing for me now is to stick to the 180. I really try my best and hope to succed with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Heart Break said:


> I discovered the 180, and now this is my new strategy.
> 
> Not to say, that we are still in contact. We still sleep together (I know it is a mistake. but This was a major issue in our marriage and I need to show him it can be better than it was. And it is a lot better!).


Heart Break, you can't do this. You can't move out, do a 180...AND STILL HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

That completely washes away the effects of the 180.

There is ONE THING that most cheating men want - sex with more than one woman.

So, to HIM, cheating is working. NOW, he is getting more sex than he can handle.

Why should he come home to you?

Think about it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break said:


> Thank you all!
> drifting on, I'm really sorry that you have gone through that. I can relate to every word that you wrote. I feel the same way.
> It really was very traumatic the process of trying to get pregnant and have kids. It took all my strenghts. Now when I can see it with an open mind, I understand how hard it was. The most painfull thing now, that he always said it's ok that we don't have kids, we don't need to rush. And now he is with OW with 3 kids.... It crushes me down. That i couldn't gave him kids.
> The hardest thing for me now is to stick to the 180. I really try my best and hope to succed with it.




Heart Break

I apologize I don't know much about you or your story except for this thread. I also felt inadequate about conceiving a child, I felt like I wasn't a man that she couldn't conceive. According to our doctors there is nothing wrong with either of us but it hurt all the same. I can understand that crushing feeling, that hollow feeling of hopelessness. But remember, those three kids have a father already. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

turnera said:


> Heart Break, you can't do this. You can't move out, do a 180...AND STILL HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
> 
> That completely washes away the effects of the 180.
> 
> ...


I know turnera. I decided about the 180 about two weeks ago. And since then I'm trying my best not to contact him at all. This is very hard. Until now, I have tried everything to make it better. To work on it. To show him how good it can be. But NOTHING seemed to work. So now I'm trying the 180. Who knows what will be the result... But I really feel I have to do it for myself, and for my sanity.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Heart Break
> 
> I apologize I don't know much about you or your story except for this thread. I also felt inadequate about conceiving a child, I felt like I wasn't a man that she couldn't conceive. Accordng to our doctors there is nothing wrong with eitherof us but it hurt all the same. I can understand that crushing feeling, that hollow feeling of hopelessness. But remember, those three kids have a father already. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. I just can't understand his actions. He was raised only by his mom, and never get along with the step fathers. So now he want to do it to other kids? He should know better that this kids will never treat him like family. So I just find it hard to undesrstand what the hell is he thinking about. But anyway, I try my best to focus on myself. Thanks a lot!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to remember that he is addicted. Cheating IS AN ADDICTION. They get a HIGH from seeing the affair partner, the forbidden fruit, the new stuff. And there's this thing called PEA chemicals. It's what you and he felt when you two were dating. It's that 'high' you feel when you first meet someone, where you just can't get enough of each other, you can't think about anything else, all you want is more of that high.

Thing is, that PEA 'high' fades out of our bodies in a few years, from 3 to 5 years, usually. Our body quits producing it because, biologically and sociologically (think back to caveman days), we've been together long enough to create a few babies; after that, we (society) no longer need that couple to stay together, so the body stops making that chemical.

He 'found' that high again by cheating, and he can't believe how good he feels when he's with her. He just forgot that he felt that with you, too. And most people aren't aware of PEA chemicals, so when they feel it, they confuse that feeling with 'love' or else just don't care and want to keep feeling 'good' again, so they keep cheating. 

That's why nothing you do can change him except him ENDING the affair, so that he doesn't keep getting his 'fix.' And the only way to get him to end it is to say 'her or me' and if he has a strong enough pull to stay married, he'll give her up. But that doesn't happen often. 

So, to protect yourself in the meantime, the 180 will help YOU by not feeling the pain constantly.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Heart Break said:


> I know you will all say that this is the perfect situation for him to have 2 women, but I keep telling myself that he is not that type of men, and each time I'm disappointed all over again.
> 
> I feel like I need to show him how good it can be (because honestly I haven't been myself for this years, and I feel I ow him at least this).


Sounds like you were LD and now you think you can win him back by throwing sex at him? This plan is DOOMED for failure. You are trying to compete with a illusion and you just can't win because he is in affair fantasy land.

I know logically OW is an old hag with three kids. However, she is NOT YOU and that to him is what makes it so exciting. Right now, he's boning TWO women. What incentive does he have to lift a finger when YOU are stuffing his mouth full of cake?

Rather then trying to win this loser back you need to address your codependency issues. Ask yourself, "Why do I have so little self respect that I tolerate my husband cheating on me? I deserve better!" Do the 180 (and please no more sex), file for divorce and get counseling to help you grieve this relationship.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break

I hope you realize how broken your husband is, this is why he clearly isn't thinking at all. He is picturing himself as the savior to the OW and to her children. This will all come crashing down on him after a month. The daily stresses of having children and the stress of real life will bring him to his knees. What will you think of him then? The way he is acting now you are far better off without him. But be prepared that he will come back telling you he made the worst mistake of his life and beg to be with you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Rather then trying to win this loser back you need to address your codependency issues. Ask yourself, "Why do I have so little self respect that I tolerate my husband cheating on me? I deserve better!" Do the 180 (and please no more sex), file for divorce and get counseling to help you grieve this relationship.


This is exactly what I'm asking myself every day. And this is what I've been trying to figure out with the therapist. So the process is still long, but hopefully I will get stronger. I'm doing my best with the 180. Every day is a new struggle. Thanks for the advice.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Heart Break
> 
> I hope you realize how broken your husband is, this is why he clearly isn't thinking at all. He is picturing himself as the savior to the OW and to her children.
> 
> You hit the point exactly drifting on! He's that kind of a person. He is trying to help everyone and "save" everyone. And always have been this way. I've thought about iy myself couple of days ago. I think he is trying to save her, as this is hard to find someone when you have 3 kids and you are not that young.... So he is like the savior. Well.... We'll see what will happen eventually.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Heart Break said:


> drifting on said:
> 
> 
> > Heart Break
> ...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break said:


> drifting on said:
> 
> 
> > Heart Break
> ...


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Thank you for the kind words. Altough I have made some mistakes, and I went through rough time, I defenatly don't deserve it. I was a loving wife, never even looked at other men. And I gave him everything I could. So I need to figure it out by myself. Thanks again!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break said:


> Thank you for the kind words. Altough I have made some mistakes, and I went through rough time, I defenatly don't deserve it. I was a loving wife, never even looked at other men. And I gave him everything I could. So I need to figure it out by myself. Thanks again!



Nobody deserves to have infidelity enter their marriage. We don't have to go through this alone, I thought I could and clearly I was wrong. I found TAM and it has helped me. I too wasn't the best spouse but definitely didn't deserve infidelity. So hang in there, this ride tends to get a little rough but if you post people will come to support you. Stay strong and best of luck. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Nobody deserves to have infidelity enter their marriage. We don't have to go through this alone, I thought I could and clearly I was wrong. I found TAM and it has helped me. I too wasn't the best spouse but definitely didn't deserve infidelity. So hang in there, this ride tends to get a little rough but if you post people will come to support you. Stay strong and best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying to stay as strong as I can. There are some days that I feel like I cannot be strong anymore. But I have no other choice. 
Thanks you. Good luck for you too!


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Heart Break, if it makes it easier, start concentrating on yourself. Go to gym, start cooking healthy meals, go to museums. In a nut shell, make yourself involved in your own life. Less time you will spend sitting in a room thinking about him, the better your mental state will become. You deserve better, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You done nothing wrong!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

You can do this, like life_huppens says, stay busy. Go do things you stopped doing but love to do. From there it will progress to you being busier. Think positively, go visit friends you haven't seen for awhile or out with the friends you are in contact with now. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself now. I don't know what I love to do, so I need to start figuring it out all over again. All my friends are married with kids, so it makes it harder to go out with them. But I do my best, and trying to meet my friends. I just wish it will be less painful. Thank you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sign up for some leisure learning classes. Or even some junior college classes. Join a club for something you enjoy. Volunteer. All great ways to make new friends.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Heart Break said:


> I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself now. I don't know what I love to do, so I need to start figuring it out all over again. All my friends are married with kids, so it makes it harder to go out with them. But I do my best, and trying to meet my friends. I just wish it will be less painful. Thank you!


Heart Break. Very good start. Do not give up. Get gym membership, and start working out at least 4 times a week. On other days just start running or fast walking. In a short time, you will see positive results. Do anything you want as long as you are out of the house.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Thanks for the advices. I will try to do my best. There are some days that I cannot stop crying, and I feel like I can't breath. But each of these days are eventually over. So I live day by day now. Thank you all.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Good luck.
You can do it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break said:


> Thanks for the advices. I will try to do my best. There are some days that I cannot stop crying, and I feel like I can't breath. But each of these days are eventually over. So I live day by day now. Thank you all.




Some days are difficult to get through. If day by day is too long then focus from hour to hour. A walk can sometimes help, I chose a walking path then made it a point to talk to everyone I passed. Go walk at a mall and window shop, or go to a park. The point is to get out and not be confined to four walls and your thoughts. Crying is also good, I've shed many tears during my struggles. Call someone when you can't redirect your thoughts. You can do this, stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi All.

It has been a while. I read your comments over and over again and it helps me a lot. I'm really struggling this last week. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I see my therapist once a week, I go out with my friend once a week. I read a lot. I visit my parents a lot. But at the end of the day I feel devastating. I don't know how to move on. It has been almost six months now. I can't see myself feeling better at all, and if I will ever fill better. Although it seems like I'm doing the "right" things, I can't get him out of my head. I have never cried so much, and I do give myself cry as much as I want. But sometimes, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Or to wake up when it will all be over. It is really the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

And again, thanks for your advise.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break

Grieving over a relationship is normal, the feelings and emotions felt are strong and sometimes overwhelming. However, these feelings and emotions shift to where it's not so constant and the pain subsides somewhat. It takes time for these wounds to heal, for the pain to subside to where it becomes bearable. It's a slow process that can be more then difficult, so try to keep busy from letting this overwhelm you. 

In my case I am still in pain, each day I wake up I hope the pain will be less. Sometimes it's manageable and some days it's overwhelming. But I plod through, I fight to make it through, and each day I try to smile. Not enough time has passed for me yet, but the day will come that this pain should be less. 

Each person we date or marry will have a place in our hearts. Your first kiss, your first intimacy partner, your first boyfriend or girlfriend. Each of these people we have memories with, we shared special moments with them. In the beginning the memory may feel painful, it was for me, but now the memories aren't so painful. This isn't true for everyone, but infidelity aside my memories of everyone in my past is not painful anymore. They have changed from painful to sometimes sad, but it's my past and time helped to make those memories not so painful. I'm not saying time heals all wounds, but rather time changes the pain to a different emotion or feeling. 

I have never gone through a divorce, only infidelity and reconciliation. I imagine divorce is painful and that you would feel lonely. I feel that at times in reconciliation. Many times I have sat in a crowded room or alone with my wife, and I would feel alone. I think this to be the nature of the beast, a repercussion of the process we go through. I respect myself and love myself as goofy as that sounds, it's also part of the process. 

I wish you well Heart Break, I hope and pray you find peace and happiness, and I have no doubt you will given enough time. Stay strong, you will get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Heart Break said:


> Hi All.
> 
> It has been a while. I read your comments over and over again and it helps me a lot. I'm really struggling this last week. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I see my therapist once a week, I go out with my friend once a week. I read a lot. I visit my parents a lot. But at the end of the day I feel devastating. I don't know how to move on. It has been almost six months now. I can't see myself feeling better at all, and if I will ever fill better. Although it seems like I'm doing the "right" things, I can't get him out of my head. I have never cried so much, and I do give myself cry as much as I want. But sometimes, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Or to wake up when it will all be over. It is really the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.
> 
> And again, thanks for your advise.


What advice have you followed?

Have you joined a gym? Are you working out? If you had followed the advice given here you would not have time to wallow in self pity.

How lucky you are to have found out what a loser of a man you were married to before you really had children.

Are you still taking pity sex from him or have you cut him out of your life and filed for divorce? Have you told everyone what he has done?

Quit being his b!tch and see how that works. If your lucky he will take his nasty self all the way out of your life.

Let all the other woman's family know what they are doing and what a sl'ut she is.

Defend yourself and know you deserve good things. If you don't respect yourself, who will?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What charity have you started volunteering at? That's the first best way to start feeling better about yourself, and you're helping someone or some thing, to boot.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Heart Break
> 
> Grieving over a relationship is normal, the feelings and emotions felt are strong and sometimes overwhelming. However, these feelings and emotions shift to where it's not so constant and the pain subsides somewhat. It takes time for these wounds to heal, for the pain to subside to where it becomes bearable. It's a slow process that can be more then difficult, so try to keep busy from letting this overwhelm you.
> 
> ...


Thanks drifting on.
I really hope that time will come and I will be able to fell less pain. Hope for the best is the thing that sometimes helps me going through the day.
Hope that everything will be good for you also. Sounds like you on the right path.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> What advice have you followed?
> 
> Have you joined a gym? Are you working out? If you had followed the advice given here you would not have time to wallow in self pity.
> 
> ...


I know you are right Chaparral. In everything you are saying. 
I take long walks with my dog (that was like our baby, and now he don't care about him at all...). I'm in the middle of my master degree. I also signed for studying Infant development counselor, something I have always wanted to do and I really am enjoying it. And despite all this every day I'm still crashing down. Every morning and every evening. It just so hard to realize that he is capable to do this to me. My best friend and my husband treating me this way. It is unbearable. I really need to start respecting myself. I haven't done this for a while.
Thanks for the advise.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

turnera said:


> What charity have you started volunteering at? That's the first best way to start feeling better about yourself, and you're helping someone or some thing, to boot.


Hi turnera,
Actually I found some place that I wanted to volunteer in, but I'm still waiting for them to call me with the details. I really want to give my free time to do some charity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How are you doing with the 180?


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> How are you doing with the 180?


Struggling every day, MattMatt. Each day is harder then the day before. But I'm trying as hard as I can to follow it through.

Thanks!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Heart Break said:


> Struggling every day, MattMatt. Each day is harder then the day before. But I'm trying as hard as I can to follow it through.
> 
> Thanks!


You are in our thoughts and prayers. :smthumbup:

Stay strong! Remember you can take a rest by leaning on our shoulders for support.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> You are in our thoughts and prayers. :smthumbup:
> 
> Stay strong! Remember you can take a rest by leaning on our shoulders for support.


Thanks a lot!! :|
All you guys here on TAM have beem very helpfull.

I really appriciate that.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi All.
Almost one month to NC and I'm having really hard time (this is the longest period of time that we didn't speak or meet in this 6 months separation). I blame myself for all that happend. The guilty feelings is back again and I just don't know how to deal with them. I keep thinking that I could have done things differently and to avoid all this mess. We had a lot of talks about me needing to change and that my H felt like I don't want him enough, but I just wasn't myself and couldn't change for some reason. And now I'm just a mess. I can't stop thinking why I didn't changed in time. I really want a second chance with him. We can be so much better. I just can't get it through.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Heart Break sorry for what you're going through. Try to think of it this way. Every time you sleep with him You are rewarding him for sleeping with another woman, cheating on you, treating you badly and hurting you. You may as well give him a new car every time he crawls out of ur bed and goes back to her. I do hope you are able to find enough self esteem and tell him no more. Btw since you are still holding out hope of getting back together remember this. People want what they CANT have. What they can have they just abuse. Good luck


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

HB,
I'm sorry for your situation.

If you want him to end his affair 1st step is to get angry.

You can not nice him back.

You are already doing the 180.

You need to expose him to everyone
family,friends.
The exposure will put pressure 
on his affair and will help him snap out of the fog he is in.

Start the D proceedings and have him served.

All the above are consequences of HIS actions,
it's actualy what HE thinks he wants.

Once faced with the reality of his actions 
he will be forced to make a real choice to choose:
to end his affaire and fight for his marriage or
to end the marriage .

Stay strong and good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Heart break, so sorry that you are feeling so bad but time will heal you. 
If you follow the advice here about the 180 and getting out and about doing other things it will help you to take your mind of him. He has treated you terribly and does not deserve you to pine over him. You are still at the grieving and denial stage, but anger (for what he has done) will come and propel you onwards, give it time. Have you told his and your family and friends? You must expose him for what he is and to make his cosy little world uncomfortable. 

You have mentioned changes that you needed to make. Perhaps you should start working on those (not for him but for yourself and your future). Get professional help.
In time you will get stronger and probably wont want him back, throw yourself into your studies, pursue the charity work you mentioned (it will be cathartic to help others who have problems of their own). We are rooting for you here, keep coming back and sharing.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Blaine said:


> Hi Heart Break sorry for what you're going through. Try to think of it this way. Every time you sleep with him You are rewarding him for sleeping with another woman, cheating on you, treating you badly and hurting you. You may as well give him a new car every time he crawls out of ur bed and goes back to her. I do hope you are able to find enough self esteem and tell him no more. Btw since you are still holding out hope of getting back together remember this. People want what they CANT have. What they can have they just abuse. Good luck


Thanks Blaine.
I know it very well that I should not sleep with him. But I just feel that he need to see how good it can be and how I wasn't myself in the last couple of years. I think I had some kind of depression and I just didn't realized it back then. I really want a second chance, so that I will know I have tried everything to save the marriage.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

MyTurn said:


> HB,
> I'm sorry for your situation.
> 
> Once faced with the reality of his actions
> ...


Thanks MyTurn.
This is what I'm afraid of. That he will choose to end the marriage. I just can't think about it yet. To live without him. This is to painful and hard for me. I still hope everything will be ok for us, but it is hard to stay optimistic in this situation... Especially that I don't see any effort from his side.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

aine said:


> Heart break, so sorry that you are feeling so bad but time will heal you.
> .
> You have mentioned changes that you needed to make. Perhaps you should start working on those (not for him but for yourself and your future). Get professional help.
> In time you will get stronger and probably wont want him back, throw yourself into your studies, pursue the charity work you mentioned (it will be cathartic to help others who have problems of their own). We are rooting for you here, keep coming back and sharing.


Thanks aine.
I just feel like my whole world is falling apart. Everything I knew about myself and my life is not as I thought. So it is very hard things to deal with.
I'm in IC so I do try to deal with my issues. But it is so hard to suddenly understand that you have a lot of issues to solve.... I know I need a lot of patience through this process, but sometimes I feel like I can take it anymore. The pain, the lonliness, the guilt. I really hope it will get better.
Thank you all!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So make a better, new world.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi everybody 🙂
Can't believe it has been 4 years since this post..... 
4 years of changes
4 years of rediscovering my true self 
4 years of recovering 
4 years of new experiences and new memories
4 years of understating how much pain this break up caused me and how much boundries I have now
4 years of really being alone with myself and learning to like it eventually
4 years of hard and painful memories from this relationship...

So although I have never thought it will happen, I am quite used to being alone now... I still find it very hard to trust someone and this is one of the reasons that I had no relationships in this period of time. 
I have a lot of dwelling back moments and I'm a little angry with myself sometimes for allowing my EX to treat me this way... but I know that now I'm much stronger and independent then before.

So just wanted to catch up and thank you once again for this helpful forum 🙂 and let other women hope that everything will get better even if you cannot see it at this moment 🙂


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Heart Break said:


> Hi everybody 🙂
> Can't believe it has been 4 years since this post.....
> 4 years of changes
> 4 years of rediscovering my true self
> ...


Cheers, HB. You've come a long way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Heart Break said:


> Hi All,
> First of all, I apologize if there will be any mistakes in the language. English is not my first language.
> I have a really long story, and I will try to make it as short as I can. Maybe I will fill the rest of the details in later comments .I discovered the TAM about two weeks ago, and honestly it helped me a LOT! I read many threads here, and some of them were exactly my thoughts and feeling. I was amazed by it .So, long story short, about 5 months ago my H suddenly came home and told me he need a break. I'm 29 and H is 31. We are together for 9 years, married 5 years no kids. I was devastated. We had our issues but I have never ever thought this will come to it. I had a couple of rough years. We couldn't have children, and we had Fertility treatments for about 3.5 years. Finally, about one year ago first time it succeeded. But unfortunately after 2.5 months I had a miscarriage. It was the hardest thing ever. The first 3 months after my H left, I thought I'm going to die. I didn't eat, sleep and talk. I lost weight. I moved out and stayed at my parents' house for 2 months. No need to say that the reason of this sudden "BREAK" is OW. I kept on blaming myself for everything! That was a real shock to me. Never ever thought he could do this. He was the most amazing H (until the last year). People always were jealous of our relationship. He is my first love, my first lover, and he was all I have ever lived for. I don’t know how to live without him. Everything I have ever done was for him. I don’t know even how to live for myself .The situation now is that I have rented a little apartment by myself, first time ever living alone. He was shocked when told him I will be moving out to live alone. I'm trying EVERYHTING for R. literally EVERYHING you can think of. But when I started to read the TAM I discovered the 180, and now this is my new strategy. Having a real hard time to do it. The OW is older than him, and have 3 kids (!!!). This is so hurtful that sometimes I cannot stop crying. My heart is in so much pain that I don’t know how to deal with. I am seeing a counselor and I feel a lot of progress in this 5 months, but I still love him and think about him 24/7.
> Not to say, that we are still in contact. We still sleep together (I know it is a mistake. but This was a major issue in our marriage and I need to show him it can be better than it was. And it is a lot better!). But he still cannot leave the OW. And it drives me crazy! WTF?? I know you will all say that this is the perfect situation for him to have 2 women, but I keep telling myself that he is not that type of men, and each time I'm disappointed all over again.
> ...


Good to hear you finally got rid of your POS exH. Use the time to do what you want to do. You are still young, enough time for a man, you do not need one.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have learned one of the most difficult lessons in life - being happy with yourself. Depending on yourself and not others.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Thank you aine 🙂 I remember your advices... it was really helpful then and now


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> You have learned one of the most difficult lessons in life - being happy with yourself. Depending on yourself and not others.


You are so right.... Most difficult and hard lesson


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great update. I like to tell people you have to love being by yourself, with yourself. Until you can do that, no other person will work out in your life. That other person needs to be icing on the cake, just making your life better, not the cake itself.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

turnera said:


> Great update. I like to tell people you have to love being by yourself, with yourself. Until you can do that, no other person will work out in your life. That other person needs to be icing on the cake, just making your life better, not the cake itself.


How are you turnera?
Thanks again! You are absolutely right. Needed some time to figure it out by myself. First you love yourself, then you can aloud another person to love you.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heart Break

Wow, you have come such a long way in four years. You have learned happiness by yourself, you have rid yourself of a toxic person, you have learned that the pain you felt is now replaced with sadness. That’s right, the pain turns to a sadness that is nowhere near the overwhelming pain you felt four years ago. You should be very proud of yourself, you made it through and stayed much stronger then you ever thought possible. 

I remember you posting about how you couldn’t go on, that the 180 was such a struggle. Reading this thread again I see how much you have grown as a person, how much healthier you are now. I am very happy for you to know you’ve made it through and that you are healthier. Your posts have made my day today!


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Heart Break
> 
> Wow, you have come such a long way in four years. You have learned happiness by yourself, you have rid yourself of a toxic person, you have learned that the pain you felt is now replaced with sadness. That’s right, the pain turns to a sadness that is nowhere near the overwhelming pain you felt four years ago. You should be very proud of yourself, you made it through and stayed much stronger then you ever thought possible.
> 
> I remember you posting about how you couldn’t go on, that the 180 was such a struggle. Reading this thread again I see how much you have grown as a person, how much healthier you are now. I am very happy for you to know you’ve made it through and that you are healthier. Your posts have made my day today!


Wow thanks a lot drifting on! I remember your advises and support, and it was one of the main things that helped me a lot.

I cannot even start to explain how much stronger I feel now. I just can say that my friends are seeing me now as one of the strongest people they know, and this can explain everything.

I read my first thread here, and I just can't believe it was written by me.
Thanks again! And I really hope everything goes well for you.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Heart Break
> 
> . Reading this thread again I see how much you have grown as a person, how much healthier you are now. I am very happy for you to know you’ve made it through and that you are healthier. Your posts have made my day today!


And I really feel much more healthier, balanced person. And I know it can only benefit to me and to everyone who will be around me.


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