# Eye for an eye?



## MrsSpike (Oct 22, 2014)

So I been married for 6 years been together with my husband for nearly 8. We have two amazing children together and I couldn't have been happier. Well a few years into our marriage and under constant depression as well as other issues I was dealt with ( not that i'm excusing myself in anyway) I went back to my parents place for a few weeks and I had a drunken one night stand with a POS that I used to consider a friend a few years into our marriage.

My husband didn't find out until a few weeks later when a family member of mine told him what happened and to say the least he was devastated. I cried and pleaded with him not to leave me and promised id do what ever it took to make it up to him. So we do our best to try to make it work with constant bickering, nasty heated arguments, some emotional abuse, that my husband is entitled to do so. 

Fast forward 2 years later I find out he has been exchanging sex messages and pictures with this woman from Wales for about 9 months and I didn't know until the 5th month after i found multiple messages and he admitted to sending 1 pic to her of his **** and vice versa(her vagina i mean i dont know if she has a **** but her face tells a different story). yeah been talking to her for 9 months and 4 months i was unaware of and yet only 1 pic was exchanged each ok..anyway it seemed like an internet affair was going on but i cant prove otherwise. 

He claims he has her blocked but she ended up making another kik username and contacted him again but should i just back off and let my husband have the freedom to do what he needs to do and trust him to do the right thing? are we even? or do i just continue to play stupid and be the doting housewife i need to be and let him do his thing?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MrsSpike said:


> I cried and pleaded with him not to leave me and promised id do what ever it took to make it up to him.


He's cashed it a few of his chips with his chick and he's evening the score. You were disloyal to him. Why do you expect more from him? A dose of your own medicine usually doesn't go down well.


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## MrsSpike (Oct 22, 2014)

Ok, so how long of an internet affair should i just put up with? 1 year? 2 years? 2 years per mess up i did? until he decides to take it to the physical level? I'm all for that but not at the expense of putting up with a ****load of emotional backlash if hes going to test out the waters


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Can't say that I blame your husband for his anger, but these revenge affair-things never help fix the problem. You've shown your willingness to do anything you can to help him deal with your betrayal. I guess all you can do is love him and be patient with him as he tries to come to grips with his feelings. Good luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No, you two aren't "even". He hasn't had sex with her yet, as far as you know. The real question ought to be, "is his conduct likely to improve his marriage?" The next time you are tempted to have an affair or jingle up an old POS ex to get drunk with, remember how lousy it feels to be the spouse of someone who is fooling around. His internet affair probably isn't doing anything beneficial for him but it might be used to make you a more empathetic person.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

MrsSpike said:


> should i just back off and let my husband have the freedom to do what he needs to do and trust him to do the right thing? are we even? or do i just continue to play stupid and be the doting housewife i need to be and let him do his thing?


 First thing you appear you need to reevaluate is your view of your ONS affair. Just by reading it seems you are more apt to blaming the POSOM than taking responsibility for putting yourself in that position in the first place as if the POSOM is the only one who should be blamed. You also leave out the needed portion where you made every available to effort to fix and reestablish trust and respect.

Getting even in infidelity on any level is a disaster waiting to happen. He more than likely isn't cheating to get back at you, although you are viewing it that was as a possibility. He is more than likely a combination of still being hurt from your actions as well as feeling he is missing something.

Doting around like nothing is happening or even considering it is a state of withdrawal, not conflict, in your marriage. It is not a good thing as you should be engaged with him. Since you seem to be keen on the eye for an eye bit (Maybe to make yourself feel better about what happened) and the dismissal of his affair as evening the score perhaps you should work it out with him and both move on, this is not healthy for either of you.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

There are only affairs, no revenge affairs. I don't think there is something called a justifiable affair. You f*cked up. It wasn't a mistake but rather a choice. But seeing your husband make the same choices is disgusting. You didn't just betray your husband but your whole family. Now your husband is doing the same. A sensible person would clean up sh*t, not take a bigger dump.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Out of curiosity, why is the guy who used to be a friend now a POSOM? More specifically, what about him changed to now warrant the characterization as, you put it, a POS who used to be a friend?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You seem to understand that you own the mistake of your drunken ONS. But you still minimize it when you attach your other issues (depression, drunk, other problems, guy is a POS). 

Just own your affair. You F'd up. Now, how do you prevent that from happening again? That should be a focus all on it's own. How do you make your H feel secure that you are not going to sneak around and have sex with other men every time you are sad, drunk and mad at him or feeling lonely.

Next. He found out, and stayed with you. Your mistake does not give him a free pass to emotionally abuse you. Yes, it will be understandble that he will feel insecure, sad, angry and all other kinds of emotions. But, it doesn't mean he can use it as a hammer to beat you with. Do you talk about the affair, or sweep it under the rug. Until you can be open with each other about how the affair affected the relationship, the wound will remain. Cover it with a rug, and it gets infected and festers.

Now, he is having an affair. May not be physcial, but it's an affair. He is sneaking around doing things he wouldn't be proud if it were public knowledge. If you want to repair the marriage, he needs to stop. If he won't stop, then start the 180 and prepare for divorce, or you will just end up hurting each other more.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening MrsSpike
An eye for an eye is a good way to end up with a lot of blind people....

You cheated. You apologize and ask his forgiveness. He can give you that forgiveness, or you can divorce.

Being in a marriage with someone you don't trust / forgive, or one where you are not trusted or forgiven is of no value to anyone. 

The goal in marriage is not to "even the score" because you are supposed to be on the same side. If you aren't on the same side, what is the point?


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Based on your short summary you don't have much of a marriage. It certainly doesn't appear that you respect each other at all.

Are you staying together for the children? For the finances? To hurt each other?

A commitment to a marriage means a commitment to doing the things that make that marriage strong. Being faithful. Resolving conflicts in a healthy manner. Loving each other.

You *both* need to decide whether or not you are willing to make that commitment. That means he willingly gives up his girlfriend. That means you work things out without _constant bickering, nasty heated arguments, some emotional abuse, _.

Based on what you've said I believe you are both wrong. If you can't move to both being right then you should split up so your children don't have to grow up in the toxic environment you have both created.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

MrsSpike said:


> . . . . .I had a drunken one night stand . . . . .
> My husband didn't find out until a few weeks later when* a family member of mine told him what happened* . . . .



I always wonder about this person ^^^ and their motives.

OP, I hope you and your H can work things out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should't put up with him having any sort of affair. Regardless of what you did.

He either bought into the concept of reconcilation or he didn't. If he didn't you don't have a marriage. From his actions he is showing you he didn't buy into the concept of reconciliation.

Now, is there anything you could have done to enable him to buy in better? I don't know. Many men cannot get over betrayals.

But as others are pointing out, it sounds strange when you say that you have amazing children and couldn't have been happier, but in the next sentence you say you were under constant depression. 

All you can do is look at what you have done and can control, to see if it works, to see if the marriage improves.... But no you should not tolerate his cheating at all. No excuses due to your cheating can be applied.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do something for your children.

Will he go to counseling with you? You can't be working on your marriage by yourself. And he is still hurt by your cheating. 

I hope you can find a way for the two of you to work together to provide a some what happy home for your kids. 

Hope you find a way to work thru this situation.


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