# My husband doesn't believe me.



## LilyPAD

My husband doesn't believe anything I say, he always thinking the negative and positive side of everything. He investigates my phone and asks 20 questions, when I answer he doughts me, until we end up in a fight. I have never had anything on my phone for him to dought, but he keeps searching. :scratchhead:

What I hate is that I tell him the truth and he still thinks I'm lying it's very hard to get thru to him. I have lyed in the past, nothing big but it was when we first met, now 20 years later in marraige he keeps on with the same issues. 

At work I have to call him Everytime I leave my chair I have to call him, go to the restroom, etc.... or call him to let him know that I will be out of the office. If I take to long he complains that I took too long. and starts asking 20 questions again or starts another argument on how long I took in the bathroom. What was I doing! :lol:

I have been thru issues at my other jobs with sexual harrasment but now I have to be penalized for the rest of my life because he doesn't let go of the issue. He doesn't forget anything and aggravates me on a daily basis with doughts and harrasment if I don't do as he says..


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## Jellybeans

LilyPAD said:


> *At work I have to call him Everytime I leave my chair I have to call him, go to the restroom, etc.... or call him to let him know that I will be out of the office. If I take to long he complains that I took too long. and starts asking 20 questions again *or starts another argument on how long I took in the bathroom. What was I doing! :lol:


You are married to a controlling, insecure, emotionally abusive man. He may be verbally abusive, too.

I getse worse over time.

Leave him. 

Seriously, you *have* to call him to tell him when you're peeing while at work? Girl, you've been in it so long you can't even see how unhealthy and toxic this is. 

Get the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, get some therapy, read books on self-esteem and controlling/abusive relationships.

This is NO way to live. Ever.


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## In_The_Wind

sounds very controlling can you tell him to back off or suggest MC ?? if not life is no short to be with a insecure person I would move on in my opinion


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## Shocker

I have been this a way some since I caught my wife talking with another man. Feels bad. I never did that before. Its insecurity no doubt. People get addicted to the confirmation. Pretty sick. My wife likes checking in so I've stopped tracking her for the most part. That feeling sucks though. I'm pretty sure it hurts you a lot. I know I hurt my wife with not believing in her. She loves me and I crap on it with this junk.

I know this is because I'm paranoid about her doing it again but to do this forever is unhealthy. Get him in counseling.


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## Jellybeans

How long have you been with this guy? 

What is his relationship like with his parents and friends?

Was he always this way?


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## kindi

LilyPAD said:


> At work I have to call him Everytime I leave my chair I have to call him, go to the restroom, etc.... or call him to let him know that I will be out of the office


No you don't. 



LilyPAD said:


> He doesn't forget anything and aggravates me on a daily basis with doughts and harrasment if I don't do as he says..


If you resist he aggravates you with doughts and harrassment?

Not sure what doughts are unless you meant "donuts", and as far as harrassment goes, he can't harrass you if you don't pick up the phone, if he does it to your face when you get home turn around and walk out the door.

It's not a solution to the overall problem but its a start.

Or just put up with the abuse

Or leave him

That seems to be your options.


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## LilyPAD

I have been with him for 20 years I'm 36 years old. I love him but I don't know how to talk to him anymore.


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## Shocker

kindi said:


> No you don't.
> 
> 
> 
> If you resist he aggravates you with doughts and harrassment?
> 
> Not sure what doughts are unless you meant "donuts", and as far as harrassment goes, he can't harrass you if you don't pick up the phone, if he does it to your face when you get home turn around and walk out the door.
> 
> It's not a solution to the overall problem but its a start.
> 
> Or just put up with the abuse
> 
> Or leave him
> 
> That seems to be your options.


Doughts = DOUBTS


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## norajane

LilyPAD said:


> I have been with him for 20 years I'm 36 years old. I love him but I don't know how to talk to him anymore.


It's not actually _possible _to talk to someone who expects you to call him when you go to the bathroom, and call him when you get back from the bathroom so that he can harass you about how long you took to pee. This is no way to live.

It is _not _possible to talk with someone like that. That kind of person is sick in the head.

You've been with him since you were 16. He's not getting any better. You might want to consider getting your life back by getting rid of him.


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## dormant

Lily, what he is doing is NOT okay. Tell him either he sopts it or you're gone. Mean it and do it!


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## costa200

> I have lyed in the past, nothing big but it was when we first met,





> I have been thru issues at my other jobs with sexual harrasment


Can you explain these two sentences a little better?


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## EynaraWolf

LilyPAD said:


> I have been thru issues at my other jobs with sexual harrasment but now I have to be penalized for the rest of my life because he doesn't let go of the issue. He doesn't forget anything and aggravates me on a daily basis with doughts and harrasment if I don't do as he says.


was he like this before you were sexually harassed at work?


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## GTdad

LilyPAD said:


> What I hate is that I tell him the truth and he still thinks I'm lying it's very hard to get thru to him. I have lyed in the past, nothing big but it was when we first met, now 20 years later in marraige he keeps on with the same issues.


Your husband sounds like an abusive jerk, but on the other hand, your lying is not strictly in the past. Your other thread is about a conflict in your marriage over you wanting to lie to get your kids in a different school district. As you say, that may be no big deal either (although I'd be shocked if my wife suggested such a thing), but you still may want to take a look at how important honesty is to you.


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## LilyPAD

Shocker said:


> Doughts = DOUBTS


He starts calling my job and asking for me, last time he did this I was fired for excessive calls. That's how he harrases me.


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## LilyPAD

EynaraWolf said:


> was he like this before you were sexually harassed at work?


He was always very controlling but not as now, he says he doesn't want anything to happen to me again.:scratchhead:


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## norajane

LilyPAD said:


> He starts calling my job and asking for me, last time he did this I was fired for excessive calls. That's how he harrases me.


This is called STALKING. People get restraining orders against this type of behavior.


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## thunderstruck

Sorry to hear. I posted a thread about how my W is constantly accusing me of cheating, but this is way worse. I'm guessing that no amount of transparency by you will change him. 

You may just have to accept this, or leave.


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## LilyPAD

costa200 said:


> Can you explain these two sentences a little better?


Well since he was very controlling, I wanted somethings that he would not agree, "like having my hair done at a home and told him it was a salon I just wanted the discount" so to get my way I would try explaining to him and would not agree so I would do it anyways and would get caught in the lie.


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## TBT

LilyPAD said:


> I have been thru issues at my other jobs with sexual harrasment but now I have to be penalized for the rest of my life because he doesn't let go of the issue. He doesn't forget anything and aggravates me on a daily basis with doughts and harrasment if I don't do as he says..


What particular part of this issue can't he let go? Being in a marriage for 20 years can you not tell him you can't live like this anymore and it has to change?


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## LilyPAD

TBT said:


> What particular part of this issue can't he let go? Being in a marriage for 20 years can you not tell him you can't live like this anymore and it has to change?


Yes, I have spoke to him about it every time but he blames me for it, when I explain he doesn't understand how it makes me feel, he says I'm to nice to people and they take advantage of me. which I think I have changed alot in that aspect but, he doesn't see it 

So he lays back for a bit, but then the next day or two he goes back to searching for a lye or investigating. He says I don't really take responsibility for my actions. 

At my previous job I had told him that a man wouldn't leave me alone He gave me advise and told me to write a letter to administration which I did, the man left me alone for a while and was never fired but then he started again until finally I was the fired one. My husband says its my fault for being too nice, that he took advantage of me. :scratchhead:


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## TBT

I don't blame you for :scratchhead: Imo your husband won't change unless you present him with consequences if he continues down this path.He thinks you are too nice so maybe it's time you rid him of that notion.Time for you to make a stand I think or expect this treatment ad infinitum.Good luck.


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## costa200

> At my previous job I had told him that a man wouldn't leave me alone He gave me advise and told me to write a letter to administration which I did, the man left me alone for a while and was never fired but then he started again until finally I was the fired one.


Where are you from? Are you american?


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## MZMEE

I've lived this scenario too. It's not YOUR issue, it is HIS insecurity and trust issues and until HE HEALS...he will always find a situation to make you the problem. Something happend where he is so afraid to be vulnerable with you so he is forcing you into a cage to make him feel comfortable. Have you ever asked him why he needs to know so much? Has a situation happend that caused him to have so much mistrust...whether with you or a love of the past? In my case, my husband's first love of 14 years betrayed him with a man on her job and he never in his life thought that would happen. He was totally trusting. It crushed him so bad he went into severe depression, etc. Decades later...he meets me and falls in love. This is only the 2nd time since that relationship that he fell in love. Well the feelings that he feels for me trigger the fears of betrayal. So he spent so much time trying to PREVENT betrayal from happening that he never enjoyed the fact he could trust me. I fought ghosts for so long. Fighting him on things that only existed in his mind. fighting him perceiving my actions as something that they weren't. So stop enabling your husband. It's time to communicate and set up new parameters. He needs to understand that you cannot live like that any more and if he doesn't trust you, there is no relationship. You are being cheated out of life. Stress is going to age you. Life is too short to live in such bondage. You both need to go to counseling to get some tools on how to build his trust. He's probalby in denial about what the real issue is because most men won't talk about what is really going on. He needs someone other than you to help pull that out. I recommend "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. It will help you both uncover the root of the issues in your relationship. Good luck.


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## Adelais

Zombie thread.


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## personofinterest

This man is controlling and without excuse. In some bizarro world universes one might twist a justification for this. But NORMAL people would not behave this way or condone this behavior.

Unfortunately, he is not likely to change.


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## farsidejunky

Zombie. Closing.


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