# Problems in the bedroom..



## imme!! (Jun 2, 2009)

Hi there,

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year now, we have lived together happily for most of that time and everything is awesome apart from our sex life.

She had a problem with her x boyfriend, she never was really randy and he ended up cheating on her.

She says she just doesn't really like sex but whenever I'm not home she will get herself off to a dvd..

It really frustrates me that she can't even do it to satisfy me once every now and then and creates big problems for me and in-turn us

She will say things like
'oh I was ready last night but you went to sleep' maybe tonight?
I'll say yes ofcourse but when it comes around to it she will reject me with 'do we have to?' what is that?
I say 'no' because otherwise its like I'm raping her!

Does anyone have any advice for us?
She says she doesnt know whats wrong with her and doesn't know what to do.

This causes me to turn passive aggressive, meaning that I get grumpy and don't want to talk to her, she in-turn thinks I'm going to leave her but instead of working a solution just hopes for the best. I will talk to her about it tonight and let you know how I go but I don't see much happening from that as usual.

Its kinda 'like it or lump it'

She has never been an affectionate person, she says she finds it 'smothering' if anyone gets close to her, including friends giving hugs etc.

While Im the total opposite, Im 29, shes 34 FWIW

Surely this must have come up before so I'm hoping we can find a solution.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Well, I am in no way qualified to give a solid answer, but I will say that living together as bf/gf for a year and not being intimate is somewhat befuddling.

So, she enjoys masturbation and watching porn..? Maybe that is something you can do together. Give her a hand, so so speak and see if she's willing to do the same for you. 

The easy answer is to seek therapy.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

imme!!-

Incredibly, there are lots of threads on here where somebody in your situation married a g/f like yours, assuming that the sex would get better after marriage. Guess what? It got worse.

If she says things like "do we have to?" it means she is not attracted to you sexually. Move on unless you like complexity, and crawling the walls.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

sounds lots like me in the past !!
is there some thing in her past that holds her back ? 
can she turn herself on ?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I actually experienced the very same thing. I brought it up during counseling some time ago. She 'wanted' me when I wasn't available.
There were some serious underlying issues regarding my wife's ability to become comfortable with sex. As Mark points out, all my patience, tolerance, and understanding led to is years of frustration, and ultimately a divorce.

Address it, or leave the field. Do nothing and you will get nothing.
Her behavior isn't normal, but she likely puts the onus on you for being 'abnormal' and horny all the time.
Lots of folks here know this game. If you are heavily invested, you can suggest therapy - else, find a partner who shares your enthusiasm for intimacy.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

[She 'wanted' me when I wasn't available.[/quote]


ive said the same line in the past  !! id love to talk to her for you !!
you dont have to give up !! easy to but ive totally changed !! hasnt been easy but it can happen


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> ive said the same line in the past  !! id love to talk to her for you !!
> you dont have to give up !! easy to but ive totally changed !! hasnt been easy but it can happen


Such change is rare. You are not the stubborn type for one thing  In fact I would go as far as to say that almost any change of any kind is rare. People tend to get stuck for a very long time, in whatever particular rut they're in.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

yes i can understand that .. but it is possible  .
sometimes you need to see a bigger picture , know whats happened in the past before we all say give up .
Mark id love to talk to her badly ,ive been there !! some times its just a simple wake up call a simple sentence that can change everything .
shes not alone in how she acts just maybe needs a little help to relax and enjoying sex


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Very gracious humpty, I'm assuming you mean imme's partner and not mine.

If at this point you were successful with my wife, it wouldn't be me enjoying the enlightenment you bestow upon her ... ;-)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> some times its just a simple wake up call a simple sentence that can change everything .


No-one can wake up until they get to the end of their particular dream.


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