# Wife suggests an open marriage



## deranja (Oct 25, 2010)

For a little background, i am 30 my wife of 3 years is 23 and our daughter is 2.

over the past year my wife and i have had sex a total of around 4 times, the last six of those months we haven't had sex at all. I have brought it up several times as gently as i can because it always is a sensitive subject.

The last time was just a few days ago and the discussion went basically the same,
Me: I miss being with you, and how it makes me feel when we are together....
Her: I miss it too and I'm sorry i don't know whats wrong i just don't have any desire to have sex...

However, this last time she brought up open marriages and how it might not be a bad idea because then she wouldn't have to feel bad about not being sexual and i wouldn't have to feel bad about not getting any and how it could possibly be a win win situation.

i was pretty much in shock, and didn't know how to take it or what to say. Let me first say that i DON'T want to be in an open marriage. But the first thing that came to my mind was fear and doubt, like "Is she serious? does she want to have sex with other people? Is she having sex with other guys?" 

I told her how i felt about it, and asked her how she would feel knowing i was having sex with other women and she said she didn't know how she would feel, that sometimes she thinks she would be ok with it, but other times she thinks no....

I guess im not real sure what my question is but would appreciate some other views on the matter and female opinions.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Tell her you would have sex with another woman only if she watches and she can only do it if you watch. See what kind of reaction this brings. I don't know if it even interests you (I'm only interested in my wife) but it may spark further more serious conversation. Talking is the first road to take about this stuff. She may have the after child syndrom where lots of women lose interest for awhile. Buy her some steamy romance novels or better yet write her some sexy stories featuring you and her, fantasy stuff. leave it where she can find it and see what happens. Be nice to her above all else, no matter what she does!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It could be she doesn't desire sex. or she doesn't desire sex with you. She could be getting it elsewhere.

But before going down that road of wondering, insist she have a complete physical exam--including checking for reasons for low libido.

Check into possible depression, postpartum depression specifically.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Just letting you know. . .that was one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse of Divorce arriving.


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

I would say absolutely NOT!!! My husband and I both were open in our marriage at the beginning (not a lot but enough) and now after 22 years and 3 kids he wants to continue in this lifestyle and I don't thus the reason we are separated.

He told me Saturday night that he wanted no contact this week and he was going to think and decide if he could stay married to me and be with only me and if he could not he would file for a divorce on Monday.

Having an open marriage will only divide you and not bring you closer. DONT DO IT!!!!

Speaking from experience


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If my W asked for an open marriage, I would say: "Sure, it's wide open, just don't let it hit you in the ass when I slam it shut behind you!"
Perhaps she has been unfaithful, and now she's angling for freedom and that you'd be on with it in order to make it all "legal".
Sorta like the kid asking if he can have a cookie, when he's already got 3 of them behind his back!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Agreed with Scanner. I see this as something that will drive you apart. I don't see her offer as an act of kindness to preserve the relationship. 

Have you researched Physical things..the pill..low hormones, etc. Is she depressed? what it the rest of your relationship like? 

Make sure you are aware of her happyness with the relationship manifesting itself in lack of desire for sex. I know others will blast me but, too often you hear of people who's spouses are not sexual when it is overall frustration with a partner that they have grown weary of trying to live with. See if there is anything that you can do to make this better. Talk but, most importantly listen. Since you have provided little info it is hard to know what else may be going on.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I agree with everyone: An open marriage is not a realistic solution to a sexless marriage. It's a band aid, that will progressively create more problems then it solves.

If she lacks desire, its probably one of the following:

1. She doesn't like sex and used you to get a baby
2. She is not getting some core needs met to trigger a sexual response to you
3. She's been damaged by sex is some way
4. She has a very low libido
5. She's cheating
6. She's depressed
7. ????

I think the first step would be counseling. The second step would be for you to take a hard look at whether you meet her needs. Third would be for you to define what you can and cannot live with and inform her of your boundaries in this area.

Sex is a tough one because you can't really put your foot down and demand compliance. She either wants to meet your needs in this way, or she doesn't. Until the cost of not meeting your needs is greater, she's not really motivated to do anything about it.

It's time to be more assertive about finding a solution to this problem. You probably want to let her know that divorce is one of the solutions on the table.


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