# separation nightmare



## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

I am separated for 1 yaer after 25 years. We would have coffee and go out and he would help me. I was trying to get back with him. We have 23 year old and 20 year old chilldren. He told me he is seeing someone with 3 young children. Initially he held my hand and cuddled me and said he would tell her he wanted space. Then overnight that changed to him being really happy, shee is really happy, he gets on well with her kids, they get on well with him. At first he told her he had strong feelings for his wife and wasnt sure where his future lied. He has been seeing her for 4 months or so. He now has told me I am not allowed to contact him. I have lost my job and I feel I dont have any of his support. He doesnt want to know me and says I need to sort myself out. At first he said the non contacting me was to see if he missed me. Now he says I stress him out. He wont tell me what is going on at Christmas, whether he will be with her or not and when I have asked he starts shouting. I just feel like he hates me now. He doesnt contact me. 

He tells everyone how happy he is. I am frustrated he didnt try with me rather than with her. Is this lust as he has not had sex for ages? Is it a rebound relationship or early days. I am surprised he wants to take on 3 children?? Is it a caase of buying the first thing in the supermarket?

I am carrying on with my life but I am so hurt that I have lost my best friend. I miss him.

Thanks for your help. Ali


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He is in fully blown affair fog in his head. Wanna bet the O?w splits her time between telling how good and wonderful her is, and how wrong and evil you are?

Go dark on him.. Stop chasing him, and spend time with your kids and friends. Dont let him see how it's hurting you. Isince it's been a year, and you are still arrived, he is cheating. Maybe tine to file?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dddivorceee (Oct 30, 2011)

I agree with Shaggy, generally. 

But the sex thing? How long has it been, and why?


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks both of you.

he just hasn't had sex in a while due to our marriage problems heading for separation. Is he cheating if we are separated?

I didnt quite understand the bit about him saying how wonderful she is/ how evil I am. Is that just to me you mean or to her?
Is this justifying to himself what he is doing?

Do you think the fog in the head will wear off and he will see me as nice again after not contacting him. 

Ali


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

Are you saying the other woman is telling him how evil I am and how wonderful she is???

I thought she maybe brain washing him. He is niave so he will be easily brainwashed.

I am worried by how soon he is telling everyone how extactictly happy he is. He even told my dad. And said to me he has a new family??? 

Anyway I should concentrate on me


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## dddivorceee (Oct 30, 2011)

If you are officially separated, then arguably, and legally where I live, he is not cheating. Apart from anything else "cheating" implies being secret. It does not sound as though he is being secret, and the fact of separation means that both parties are essentially entitled to secrecy in their personal lives in any case. 

As to the "fog" - imponderable. You just have to suck it and see. 

If there had been a prolonged period of low sex frequency, then having grown up children left home may well mean he is simply looking for sexual fulfillment elsewhere. The only thing to do is get on with your life, however hard that is, and see what happens. It may well be he tires of her and her children/situation, and comes back. If not, there is little point chasing, as it will only deepen his conviction to leave.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've been separated for a year, and he's moved on. My guess... You can go dark on him, you can smother him with love, you can try to bribe him. It won't matter. He's moved on. It's probably best if you try to do the same.

Some people would consider him to be cheating, especially if you were trying to reconcile. But after "ages" of no sex, it's not surprising. His new relationship may not last, but that's not really the issue, if you ask me. The issue is that he's making it clear that his future isn't with you.

You say you were trying to get back with him, but what was his understanding? And how long is "ages" without sex? Who initiated the separation? What does "sorting yourself out" involve, and have you been doing anything towards that? Not saying its all your fault, but you're the only one trying to fix the relationship.

Don't mean to be harsh, but it seems your best bet is to start treating the marriage as its over. Make changes for you, and if he gets his head out of his butt, he might see your changes and appreciate what he lost.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

You are right. 

I know what I have to do and am making single female friends, getting out and things are getting better. It is just so very hard not being able to do anything about my husband not wanting to even see me and losing him as a friend.

I really do hope he doesn't end up hating me.

I will not contact him at all and get on with rebuilding my life. I hope he will see when I am fully independant and all glammed up that he has made a big mistake.

Ali


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

I know where you are coming from Pbear.

But the thing is he is trying to keep his options open. Not telling me if he will be with her at christmas. saying I can contact him until he contacts me and initially saying he may miss me and telling her he has strong feelings for his wife. Its all very confusing.

Sorting myself out means I need to get independant and sort my job out.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

alipwalli said:


> I will not contact him at all and get on with rebuilding my life. I hope he will see when I am fully independant and all glammed up that he has made a big mistake.


I agree you need to go dark and focus on yourself. Identify the things you love to do and focus on that along with making self improvements (we all have something) to make a better you. I would suggest you do it for yourself, not him though. Once you embark down that path, making a better more confident you will probably make him realize he made a mistake but ultimately thats a byproduct and not a reason for doing it. Do it for you!


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## dddivorceee (Oct 30, 2011)

Hi alipwalli, 

Good idea. I doubt he will end up hating you if you take that course. Quite the opposite, I would predict. Having seen similar things in the past, at close hand, my guess is that if you leave him alone, the long years of friendship will win out, and whether or not you end up still married, remarried, or whatever, you will be friends. Just be patient, as understanding as you can, kind, and determined to get on with your own life... 

PBear- just curious, that wouldn't be "Petal" Bear, would it?


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

it is the wanting to be married for life and not wanting to split family up that is hard. I dont want to get divorced.

Ali


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

alipwalli said:


> Are you saying the other woman is telling him how evil I am and how wonderful she is???
> 
> I thought she maybe brain washing him. He is niave so he will be easily brainwashed.
> 
> ...


From his behavior, it sounds like he is enjoying the honeymoon phase where everything is good and she is providing him with lots of positive emotional and physical assurance. Meanwhile I'm sure she digs at you (you being the OW in her eyes)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

I am sure he will find out when he the young kids, who are usually at a guess with thier father or in bed... become a reality. He doesn't even like other peoples kids much lol.

I am going to do the 180 plan for me not him to start living and get excited about new doors opening. I have made some wonderful single friends so things are looking up.


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

I saw my husband for the first time today in his car with new woman. I feel a bit better now as she was an average plan jane and I think he was taking her to the supermarket. I suddenly realised how boring is he!!!!!


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Isn't that great? He's stuck with a plain Jane with kids, doing the shopping. You are free to do anything you want without having to check with anyone. You can come and go as you please. Think of the adventures you are free to have now. Fantastic!!


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## alipwalli (Oct 31, 2011)

I didn't look at it like that you are right 

I am still fed up I have fallen off the face of the earth and he refuses to talk to me. A friend suggested it might be like when you have a new bf or gf and don't want to know your friends??

I do enjoy having freedom but hate being on my own so it hits me when I am at home alone  I guess it is a case of finding a way to be happy with mt own company.

Thanks


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