# How do you know its time to move on?



## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Quick history for those unaware of my situation. We were Married over 10 years, together 12. I along with our friends and family considered ours the "perfect marriage". I saw the red flags over a period of 2-3 weeks, and looked into it. I discovered a month and a half EA, and couldnt prove it at the time, a PA. She admitted to the EA only. Other than the red flags of an EA/PA, not one word of any problems in the marriage.... None. It was a bombshell on discovery day.

In less than a month, I have accepted it and I have started moving forward. I no longer care what she is doing, who she is with, or question why it happened. After 12 years of marriage where I was 110% devoted and woke up every morning happy to be married to her, I no longer want her, need her, or want to see her. As a matter of fact, when I see her now, she appears very ugly to me and disgusts me. A one month turnaround? How fast you ask? Listen to what they are telling you. You may have to read between the lines of certain things that are said due to their anger or guilt, but pay attention to what you are being told. Actions are the second thing. No matter what is being said, what are their actions telling you? Are they still with the OM/OW? Have they even tried to work things out? Are they on the fence with you as their back up plan? There is truth in the saying "actions speak louder than words".

I was reduced to email and text messages for the last 3 weeks which is a really good thing. Its easy to only hear what you want to hear in a voice conversation and unless you are recording it, you cant go back and review what they are really telling you. 

What do I look for to know it will never work out and I should move on with my life? In my situation, she admitted to the EA and feels guilty. The responses I would get back could be broken into 3 types of sentences: 1. guilt 2. time to move on statements or 3. business items Here are some examples:

Guilt:
The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause you such pain. Im glad that you are finally dealing with me causing the breakup of our marriage. The biggest regret that I have is causing you so much pain. You are a good person. You treated me and my kids so well. I hate myself for causing you such pain but it was something that I had to do for my physical and mental health. It was eating me up inside. It wasnt anything you did, it is all me. I cant say what started it or how it came about, it just did. Please dont hate me because I dont hate you. I have no problems if you were to talk, see or date other women. Do what you want, or need to do. 

Time to move on:
I just cant be married to you. I have moved on and you need to as well. 

Business:
Just some quick details of the D I wont bore you with.

Ok, this is just one email. Her actions back up all of the Time to move on statements but none of the Guilt statements. She has taken the PA underground and only seeing him on out of town trips. Really listen to what is being said. No matter how bad you want the other person to love you in return, you can not force it. The time, work, and pain you gave during your marraige means nothing to them. They are in a selfish state. None of that matters. It is their decision to make, not yours. It takes 2 in a marraige, not 1 or 3. There will come a time we all realize and accept it. The sooner you listen to what you are being told, and look at their actions, the sooner you will accept it. Then you will begin to recover and heal. Everyone is different and has their own deal breakers in marraige. Cheating is one of mine. It destroys trust that is earned through actions, and trust is part of the foundation of a strong healthy marriage. If you are tired of feeling the pain, hurt, and anger for what you did not cause, start listening. Sure you will have your ups and downs, but acceptance is the first step to feeling better. Just my two cents...


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Very good post; extremely logical. I will say though that it's easier said that done...damn emotions interfering with logic.

For instance, in my earliest stages, when I first cut away from desperate "fix it mode" (after about a month, month and a half), I then slipped into a period where I thought I was really moved on...so similar time frame as per your post.

Looking back on it now some 6mos down the line from that feeling, I see I was still stuck in "Denial"...and since then have bounced around the grief cycle, in no particular order - but now I'd say more truly at the point of acceptance - where the first one was a false bottom.

A psychology major friend of mine who visited at that earlier point in time remarked how well I was doing....but I think he could really see where I was. He cautioned that in his experience people really have to live these things - think he was proven right.

The timeframe will be different for everyone, of course - so many different factors, situations and personalities involved and each situation is unique. 

Again, what you are saying makes total sense...but that "Acceptance" with complete finality...it can be an elusive booger, and sometimes you think you are there when in reality, you might not be, especially in very early days.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> Again, what you are saying makes total sense...but that "Acceptance" with complete finality...it can be an elusive booger, and sometimes you think you are there when in reality, you might not be, especially in very early days.


Thanks Worried, I agree 100%. Please dont get me wrong, there are periods where I become angry, depressed, or nostalgic, but I have noticed for the most part I have become happy, even thanking her for 10 great years of marriage. The bad times become shorter, fewer and farther between. Only time will make the acceptance final, but for me, I feel a lot better about myself, and my future without her. I dont need her to make me happy, that is my decision.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How are things going?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

hey hunter, pretty much mirrors my situation - I was pretty much over him in a month, now four months on I just feel indifference and mild annoyance

I respond to his texts in a civil manner, I never initiate them, I don't ask him what he's up to because I really don't care and I know that this will piss him off more than anything else in the world but I'm genuinely not doing it on purpose. I have the ability to emotionally detach, always have had and it's serving me pretty well

I do get a bit depressed sometimes but no more than I did when I was with him 

Every relationship is different no? I'm just glad that this one ran its course and ended before it turned into bitterness and hatred


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> How are things going?


Well Bandit and Dolly, things are going really good for the most part. I have my moments which can be expected but I dont really care what she does anymore. How can you love someone so much for 11 years and get over them so quicklly? I dont know. One thing that has helped is I have been bombarded with phone calls from women who are "concerned" about me. It has defintely helped my self esteem but damn.... Im getting calls from women that I always considered out of my league, who are throwing themselves at me already. I must be doing something right! Dont get me wrong, I appreciate it but the last thing I need right now is a rebound relationship. I guess to answer the question, Im doing OK. Life goes on, with or without her. As far as her, like my tagline says, I wont even notice..... Now Im off to a friends house for some BBQ and cold beer!!! I will keep you posted!!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> How can you love someone so much for 11 years and get over them so quicklly?


don't know, odd isn't it? I'm starting to wonder if I did actually love him in the first place.....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> don't know, odd isn't it? I'm starting to wonder if I did actually love him in the first place.....


Yes you did. Don't be a git. If I have come to know anything about you it is that you are just extremely pragmatic. You have a healthy mindset that I envy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Well Bandit and Dolly, things are going really good for the most part. I have my moments which can be expected but I dont really care what she does anymore. How can you love someone so much for 11 years and get over them so quicklly? I dont know. One thing that has helped is I have been bombarded with phone calls from women who are "concerned" about me. It has defintely helped my self esteem but damn.... Im getting calls from women that I always considered out of my league, who are throwing themselves at me already. I must be doing something right! Dont get me wrong, I appreciate it but the last thing I need right now is a rebound relationship. I guess to answer the question, Im doing OK. Life goes on, with or without her. As far as her, like my tagline says, I wont even notice..... Now Im off to a friends house for some BBQ and cold beer!!! I will keep you posted!!


What's wrong with a little rebound? Get out there and dine on that female buffet! What the hell is wrong with that? It would be even cooler if the ex got wind of your shenanigans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yes you did. Don't be a git. If I have come to know anything about you it is that you are just extremely pragmatic. You have a healthy mindset that I envy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure I did, it just feels wrong to be so indifferent so quickly
makes me feel a bit guilty that's all


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I'm sure I did, it just feels wrong to be so indifferent so quickly
> makes me feel a bit guilty that's all


He's the one who wronged you. He turned his back on you and left you for no damned good reason. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I'm sure I did, it just feels wrong to be so indifferent so quickly
> makes me feel a bit guilty that's all


Im with you Dolly, is there something wrong with us? Or is it we just dont put up with BS past a certain point and have the unique ability to shut them off?


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What's wrong with a little rebound? Get out there and dine on that female buffet! What the hell is wrong with that? It would be even cooler if the ex got wind of your shenanigans.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well ok Bandit, only because yall are encouraging me. 
Game on!!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Well ok Bandit, only because yall are encouraging me.
> Game on!!!!


Thats the spirit!

I thought I would not jump into a relationship for a long time, but for the past few weeks I have been involved with a great lady. And you know what? I feel great about it. No guilt at all.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

And I just want to add, thank you for the likes on my posts. I try as best as I can to make sense of whats running through my head 24/7. Its nice to know that someone else "gets it", and Im not craaaaazzzzzyyyy.....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Well Bandit and Dolly, things are going really good for the most part. I have my moments which can be expected but I dont really care what she does anymore. How can you love someone so much for 11 years and get over them so quicklly? I dont know. One thing that has helped is I have been bombarded with phone calls from women who are "concerned" about me. It has defintely helped my self esteem but damn.... Im getting calls from women that I always considered out of my league, who are throwing themselves at me already. I must be doing something right! Dont get me wrong, I appreciate it but the last thing I need right now is a rebound relationship. I guess to answer the question, Im doing OK. Life goes on, with or without her. As far as her, like my tagline says, I wont even notice..... Now Im off to a friends house for some BBQ and cold beer!!! I will keep you posted!!


Ok...it took me about six weeks to not care any more at all. I am not mad, not sad, I just am, though it is annoying when she calls. Her guilt trips don't make me feel guilty any more, they just make me laugh.

And OH MY GOD the women! I know what you mean about women you either never knew existed, or never gave a serious thought to, suddenly becoming rather available. I have been out on a few dates and not even a twinge of guilt. The most encouraging part to me in my recovery is the fact that I can honestly say that I haven't even thought of the stbxw while out with these women.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I am 3 and a bit months on from my ex dropping the bomb and I am starting to feel the same way about her - ie nothing. She comes to my house to pick up or drop off my son and I no longer find her emotionally or physically attractive. Probably because she hurt me so much when it first happened but also because I have been socialising a lot and noticing much more attractive women in my age group. No dating or flirting just yet but just being out and chatting to new people has done wonders for my self esteem (which took a battering when this first happened).

I have noticed one lady on a local dating site that has very similar interests to me and I find very attractive but I am still wary in making any contact as I do not want to hurt anyone. But at the same time I am thinking what if she is 'the one'? - surely a few flirty emails could not hurt?


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