# when to leave



## conraddobler (Sep 26, 2012)

been married 6 years and after couples therapy 2 years ago we patched things up and ended up having a baby. Now I realize that I just don't love her and haven't for several years. We have a very hard time connecting, I lie to her face for the simple reason that i don't want to talk or explain things to her. I have never had a sexual affair, but probably would. I told her how I felt about a week ago and she urged me to try to work on things etc..

My question is this: We have a 3 month old and I would feel horrible leaving now although I would be a coparent and not a deadbeat. How long do I "fake" that I'm working on things to make us better when I don't really want to?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

IF you don't want to, then don't. It's just that simple.

Show the mother of your child enough respect to tell her the truth. Will it hurt? YES. Does it need to be done anyway? YES. 

Just because SHE would like you to work on the marriage doesn't mean you HAVE to. If you are done, you are done. She doesn't have to LIKE it, she doesn't have to agree with it.

You are entitled to an opinion and feelings JUST AS MUCH AS SHE IS.

Be KIND about it, but make it clear. "(wife's name), for the last week I have considered your request to try to work on things, but I am not interested in salvaging this marriage. I love our son/daughter, I appreciate you as a GREAT mother to (child's name), but I do NOT love you like a wife and I have not for some time. I have too much respect for you as (child's name)'s mother to lie to you about this. I do not want to reconcile."

IF SHE WANTS TO ARGUE OR BADGER YOU, you have the right to say, "I am entitled to MY feelings as you are entitled to yours. And my feelings are that I do NOT want to work on this marriage. I DO want to be an active loving involved father to (child's name)."

She won't take it well, but it is the RESPECTFUL way to handle it.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm curious what has made you consider that you no longer love her and you can't make things work? You said no affair has occurred but you probably would if the oppertunity was given. When did you start feeling like that? 

I'm not accusing or pointing a finger. It's your decision and the above posters remarks are very considerate for how to handle this if you pursue it.


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## conraddobler (Sep 26, 2012)

I think that I have felt like that for years. If something better came along I would leave. My wife started as an affair, shortly after i separated her son began getting in trouble with police etc and I was trying to be a strong supporive boyfriend. all the while I was like...this is fricking nuts...i should get out of this...but never did and things just got deeper and deeper and she seemingly more dependent on me. Now she says that she would try to save the marriage no matter what at all costs. She is a kind good person, but over the past few months I came to the stark realization that I don't think I would have dated her had she not been my affair...and that I just don't love her


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## 836710 (Sep 25, 2012)

I agree with SlowlyGetting Wiser! The sooner the better. Don't let another several years go by and your still in the same position. As long as your there for your baby and do what you have to do to support the baby, then you have a right to live a happy life. Continueing living unhappy, just to make her happy, will start building up to resentment and hatred, and things will not end well.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Affair partners usually don't work out as marriage partners.

File.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Look -- there is a difference between "faking it until you make it" as a strategy to rekindle a relationship and "faking it because I don't want the **** to hit the fan." It sounds to me like you are motivated by guilt and love for your child to pretend to your wife that you are working on the relationship. But, if you're not really working on it, she'll be investing a lot of energy into keeping up her end of things, and that's not fair.

So... my advice is to tell her that you don't want to pretend any longer. Tell her that you want to start working on an exit plan. Make it clear that your objective is a divorce, and so the work that you two are going to do together is to work out a child custody arrangement, split of the assets that is good for both of you. If possible, you can tell her that since you two have an infant in the house, you are willing to do an in house separation while you work out the details.


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