# Not sure if trying to convince her to stick around is right



## So confused (Nov 24, 2009)

Sorry this is so long.--I know this is my first post, but really need help.... OK, so my wife and I met 6 years ago, and have been married for 5. When we first got married I was working and she was finishing her bachelors. I did hurt her in the beginning, but I didn't cheat. I broke up with her for another woman. This was before we were married. I convinced her to come back to me by buying her a ring, telling her what an idiot I had been, and we shortly after got married. The first couple years were rough, she was, understandably jealous. I had to hear crap about what an idiot I was regularly for more then a year. Over time, I became a better husband. I got better at listening. I got better at telling her where I was. I started to do more and more around the house. As I became a better husband to her, she became a even better wife. Our relationship solidified. And we became more comfy with not just who we were, but who the other person was.
As she started to make more and more money at work, she started to urge me to quit the job I had that I hated to much, and go back to school. Eventually I did. I never had a real chance at going to college before because I had such a terrible childhood and moved out when I was 16. I have not taken the opportunity for granted. We had mutually decided that It was better we both do what we love at work and we would both be happier. This would further strengthen our relationship. So I worked hard at school for the passed two years, got good grades, and even became the debate team captain. All along I was asking her if she wanted me to also work. Being a pretty needy person, she realized that this would take away "us" time, so she decided she wanted me to just focus on school. We did bicker a few times over money, since I wasn't making any and I was still spending more money then her. Granted, this was unfair. I would like to throw out however that whenever I wanted to buy anything, I would always talk to her first. It doesn't excuse me though. So when I first started school, we were living in a cozy, comfy and safe apartment. Right around the time that I became more serious with school, my aunt, who has frequently acted as my mother in my life when she was able, informed us that her and her husband had just bought a house and were going to need a roommate to help pay the increase cost of the home. 
She told us she would rather it be us living with her then some random stranger. It also had a bonus to my wife and I, because it was going to cost a third of what we currently were paying. We decided it would be good for us, because we would be able to continue to save to buy a home even while I was going to school and help out a family member in the process. I have just now completed my AA degree. About a year back me and my wife decided to start talking about which 4 year school I should attend. My first pick was UCLA and I expressed what it would mean to me to go to such a great school. Of course my wife, who always tries to make me happy, decided that we could move to LA, buy a house their. She wasn't to thrilled about her job at the time anyway. (not the field, just the company) Shortly after that, my wife left the company she worked for and went elsewhere. She started to come home much more happy she started to tell me how much she enjoyed her new job. I started to realize it was selfish of me to want to move us from northern CA to southern CA, just for my school. Their are many good schools in our area. So, my wife and I sat down and I told her that I felt it would be selfish of me to expect her to leave her job she loved so much just to go to the school I wanted to go to. At first she was set on us moving to LA so I could attend UCLA. But eventually I convinced her using our own argument of how it's most important that we do what we love and that I could find a good school that I would enjoy nearby.
So fast-forward a few months, she started talking about how we needed to buy a house soon. I spent the whole summer looking for homes for us. We both realized if this was going to happen now, financially, I would have to take a year off of school. I was ok with it, since I thought it would make her happier. Several bids on homes and several rejections later, the new school quarter started. I haven't had time to go out and really look at homes. She has expressed how upset she was about not finding a home. But blamed the market and not us.---So starting with recent events. Right before Halloween, she tells me her grandparents are flying into Vegas for the Halloween weekend. I offered for us to go down there for the weekend so she could have a chance to see them. We drove there and back (20 hours driving total) While there, once her family went to bed, she said she was bored and wanted to do something. She said she wanted to go play video poker for the free drinks. While at the video poker bar, I start talking to everyone. About Vegas, about life and about my wife, who was sitting next to me.
I honestly wasn't giving her as much attention as I should of, but by no means was ignoring her. She eventually starts to get angry and tell me she wants to go to bed. Even though I was drunk, I could see there was something more, but being drunk my wife being so harsh, I didn't dig-in to find out what the real problem was. We get to the room, I get in the shower and she starts telling me that we are so different (she is a bit shy/timid) I am the complete opposite in that respect. She starts telling me how she didn't want me to just talk to everyone and how it must be nice to be able to talk to anyone. Basically between her emotional state, my drunk state (and always feeling like im not good enough for her) we failed to communicate. I heard "you need to change this" (I figured it out eventually, that what she was really trying to say is that she needs more attention) but feeling like I have changed so much over the years, and this wasn't something I was able to change, I said "This isn't something I can change, "if you can't be ok with that replace me!" Right now, I will own up to me saying that being very dumb. 
So anyway, for the next couple weeks, I notice she is acting funny. I notice that she is keeping secrets/telling lies. But I dont confront her because I don't have evidence, just a feeling. The next weekend, I went to a debate tournament out of town. I notice that she is not being her needy self, constantly texting and calling me. Infact, when I would text her, or call her, I hardly got any responses. When I get back, things are still wierd. She decides to tell me that she had went to a arcade/bar during the Saturday, but forgot to tell me. Even though the "I forgot to tell you" I knew was a lie, because I had texted her that evening and in the next morning, but I decided not to call her out right then. I didnt want to call her out, because I felt their was more to the story then she was telling me, I didnt want to make her take a defensive stance. During this week, I was telling her how excited I was to finally have time to spend with my wife this weekend. Thursday comes around, she gets home from work, and tells me she has to do a training thing at a hotel in a nearby city (20 miles) and that she will drive and see me late Sunday. I asked her if she really had to stay over night, and she responded by telling me it was so far. So, I told her it was her choice. Friday comes around, she is at work, I am at school. I text her asking if she was still going to be gone for the weekend, because I needed to do debate practice either that day or Saturday. I also texted her telling her that I knew that something was not right, and we needed to talk. She responds that she is not sure about Saturday.

I respond that I am going to debate practice that day (friday) So later that day, while in practice, she calls me and tells me her parents are fighting, and she has to go there for the weekend. I offer to come with her, but she says her mom says she doesnt want me to come. My wife tells me she is packing now, and will leave when she is done. I run out of debate practice, drive as fast as I can home, but im too late. She is gone. I start calling her, but she doesnt answer. I text her but she doesnt answer. Finally I call and she answers, I tell her we really need to talk, and I know something is up. She says she cant talk now, because she is driving. I ask her to pull over so we can talk, but she wont. She gets back Sunday night, and tells me she is not sure about us. That we want different things. That she wants a house, and I dont. That she wants kids, but Im not ready. We talk for a long time, finally we agree that we split up, but we will continue to talk as friends. We decide to order a pizza. And she starts having second thoughts, and tells me "lets just work it out" Im a bit hesitant, but listening. I can't find my phone, so I go grab her phone so I can locate mine. I hit recent calls, because thats how I always call (we have the same phone) And I see that the list has been cleared.

I asked her why she cleared it, and she said her cousin did. I called bs, and she fought tooth and nail. I told her that we can solve our problem by looking online at the phone records. She starts telling me how I doesnt matter because were done anyway. I knew she was hiding the truth, but was too hurt to dig. So then the next day, while she is at work, she starts telling me how she wants to work it out. I tell her that I cant work it out unless I get the truth. She says she has been telling me the truth. So I ask if I started to look at our phone records if I was going to find anything I wouldnt be ok with? She replies, there is no point were not going to work it out anyway. So then I decide to man-up and look at our records. What I found was a shock to me, some number she called and texted all times of the night, sometimes when she said she was going to bed, and sometimes when she was sitting right across from me on the couch. I called my wife and asked what I would find if I called this number. She told me, it's just a co-worker, and not to worry, because they are just friends, and he has a pregnant wife. (even giving me the name of the wife) I called the number, spoke with the man my wife had been speaking to (very calmly) asking him questions and trying to figure out what was going on. 

He seemed to know more about our problem then I did. I was hurt, because every sign I was seeing was telling me my wife had been unfaithful. She got home and started to beg and plead, telling me how sorry she was etc. I decided it would make me feel good if I broke her phone (yes, immature) so i did, then said I was sorry to her. We laid in bed, I had not slept for the whole day, and she asked if I could forgive her. I said that I would forgive her if she told me the whole truth, and that I would take her back if she would leave her job for me. But if she wasnt ok with that, I asked her to go to her parents, or I could help her find a hotel. Eventually I passed out. I woke up, she was gone. I was frantically worried about her safety, and decided to call her parents and go by her work to see if I can confirm her safety. I even call the guy she had this relationship with asked if she had talked to her, because I was worried about her, he said he had not.

I then asked him if he would not talk to my wife for atleast as long as we were married or not sepperated. He agreed, and apologized for disrespecting our marriage, and that for me not to get the wrong idea because his wife (by name) would kill him if he ever did anything like that. It was the same name my wife used. Finally my wife calls me around 2pm and tells me she is at her parents house. I drive just about as fast as I can to get there. I told her I really wanted to work things out, and if she wanted to work things out, all she had to do is tell me the truth and I would forgive her. She told me that she stayed at the other guys house that night. Eventually after deciding for us to try again, she also tells me the guy has no wife. Which isn't a surprise to me at all. But im still hurt. I decide to grab her phone, she got a old one from her parents, and use it to text this guy. He responds by saying, I dont know what you think about us, but my wife would kill me, dont get the wrong idea. So I know that he expected me to get a hold of her phone, but dont know how he knew. Anyway, I convince my wife to come home with me. But when we get home, we realize that things are still not right. I notice everytime the events come up, she evades responsiblity, either by telling me that Im not going to get over it, and it wont work, or bringing up how I hurt her in the begining (6 years ago, and I did not cheat + we were not married) So I call her and tell her to go to a hotel with me tonight, and we will talk and have a few drinks. After a few hours talking, she tells me she is still not sure about us. But she wants to try. I tell her I feel like I cant move forward if she just wants to try. 

We decide its time to split, but the whole time she is telling me that she loves me and lets just try. Which makes it hard, I love her. She asks if I will still be around if she figures out she made a mistake. I tell her, probably not, I cant promise that. Then she will start saying, lets just try. But I dont feel like I can risk myself to trying. You guys think I am making the right decision for both of us?

--If you guys need any other info, I can try to answer it if I know the answer.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So confused, your post is difficult to read - try breaking it up into paragraphs with some space so people don't get lost in all that text.

However, I did read it.

So where exactly are you at? You don't think she has come completely clean, or you still don't feel like she is committed to the marriage?

I don't get a very good picture of where the issue really lies. Does she feel like you pay enough attention to her? Are you paying attention to her, but she is needy or has self-esteem issues? You talk about events - but it really isn't clear how you and your wife relate to one another. Was it really good and has deteriorated? Did you think that there were no issues?

Throughout all of this have you and your wife maintained intimacy? Sex?


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## So confused (Nov 24, 2009)

Deejo said:


> So confused, your post is difficult to read - try breaking it up into paragraphs with some space so people don't get lost in all that text.
> 
> However, I did read it.
> 
> ...


Deejo,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I know it's really long. Up until the Vegas event, our relationship has been good. We have had a sexual relationship throught, however I haven't been satisfying her as well as I used to. Partly because Im not in as good of shape as I used to, and also because living with family puts a strain on intamacy. I try to give her alot of attention, but she is pretty needy. Maybe im not doing enough, or maybe its self esteem. I assume I know everything, or atleast enough to know what happened. That's not an issue, atleast with me. I told her, I would forgive her for anything. But she said she is just not sure about us. I just dont know if I can move forward and work this out, when she is telling me she is just not sure about us, because we are such different people. And of course what she did, does hurt me pretty badly. I told her that I can deal with the pain, if she wanted me back. 

I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to try to convince her to stick around. I feel like she is the one who screwed up, why am I the only one saying "no matter what"?


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