# Realization of my Errors... need help...



## PixelPusher (Jan 3, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I've been lurking here for a few days now and am going through a divorce of my own. My wife and I have only been together for about 2 years now. I know that is not a long time, but we have known each other for 10 years now, only having gotten together the last 2 years.

The past 2 years have been rough for us. Prior to the 2 years, I have been chasing her for 8 years giving her unconditional love, and finally, having the love of my life be with me. At first, I gave 100% of myself to the relationship and things were heaven. Over time, however, I began to see how different her approach was to situations. These turned into, from my perspective, nagging. the nagging got so bad that I eventually began to not commit myself 100% into the relationship, and always thought in the back of my mind that this relationship would not work. When we had problems, I would just hear her arguments and not "listen" to her and neglect her effort to try to work things out. I was distant, and I was tired.

It got so bad that I would walk out on her at the first sign when things did not go ideally in my mind, or when I was just too exhausted with trying to communicate with her. Even worst, I compared her to my previous relationship, a relationship I ended to be with this girl. I would disappear for a few weeks, and then come back and apologize for what I had done, and that I would promise to try to communicate better next time, but I never fully took that to heart. I have done this a few times, each time eventually coming back to her, but deep in the back of my mind, only half-heartedly. In November of 2012, I walked out again, during that time, I was angry and upset, and thought that this was the breaking point, that this will never work and that we should be separated.

After a few weeks, I began to think of a life without her, how selfish I was, and how unfair I was in the relationship. I did a complete 180 and began to re-evaluate how I was viewing the relationship. During our time together, I had turned my Unconditional love for her into a Conditional love, thinking in the back of my mind that I had suffered for 8 years, and now that she is with me, it is her turn to show me that she was worth it. This was eventually my biggest mistake, and the thing that has held me back from loving her completely and not allowing her love to thrive in our marriage. I realized this and changed my ways.

I had to identify my selfish ways, and abandon such a destructive mindset while in this relationship. I realized that relationships are never about being fair, and its what level of compromise each would give to the other in their time of need. I just realized that I was loving her conditionally, when I should have loved her unconditionally. I realize that this is not for everyone, and that it applies to relationships case by case, as different couples have different levels of needs that both sides can accommodate. In our case, this was true. I had done it before, so I can do it again if I abandon my self-centered ways. I could not imagine a life without her, so I had to change.

I asked her for one more chance, a chance for me to show her how I have changed. However, it is a little too late. I expressed to her and identified all the problems of our relationship and how they can be remedied; through discussion, through communication, through selflessness, understanding, and a willingness to work things out. I had done it before, so I know I could do it again. Despite all this, she denied me the chance to save the relationship, even though I had promised her that I will make her happy, and be the way I was before 2 years ago, not the way I was the last 2 years.

Needless to say, I am going through some troubling times right now and my wife wants a divorce. I do not want to break our marriage and want to work things out, just the one last chance, because now I have realized that I should be 100% invested, and know that her happiness is my happiness. The only problem is that she is not listening to me.

I have tried to talk to her, but she says that she cannot trust what I say. 

My question is this...

Since she does not listen to me or hear me out, should I involve others to speak on my behalf, and to let her know that I have truly changed? I understand that showing that you have changed is different from just saying it. but I want the chance to show her that I have changed in the relationship, so that she can see with her own 2 eyes.

Once again, thank you all for your replies and advice. I cannot imagine my life without her. She has been my encouragement, inspiration, and love for the past 10 years. I am the person I am today because of her. A life without her is something I do not think I can handle...

~pixelPusher


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

The nagging wife that held you off for 8 years is now untrusting and controlling and .... and i'm sorry, what was the rest of it?

Backtrack to the part of you that was in agony for two years of bad marriage. That's the part you should be apologizing to. 

You can't show cake eaters anything. They just want to eat. You can either throw her another birthday party or you can unwrap the present you gave yourself of a bright future. It was right there all the time, PPusher. You lost a decade but you gained a life. 

I'm sorry you're in pain. It will take some time and a whole lot of effort but once you start handling your life you will begin to get better.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I don't really understand what is going on in your marriage from the post you wrote.

But I will comment on one thing. There is no such thing as "unconditional love". Love always has conditions, and the belief that it should not have conditions is something that will lead to the end of many would-be happy marriages.

Let me repeat myself. The problem is not "conditional love" and thinking you need to love her "unconditionally" will not solve your problem. 

The solution is for both of you to understand each other needs (conditions) and to for each of you to make an effort to meet them for your mutual benefit.


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## PixelPusher (Jan 3, 2013)

east2west said:


> The solution is for both of you to understand each other needs (conditions) and to for each of you to make an effort to meet them for your mutual benefit.


This sounds good. I will really take this to heart. I just don't know if I should engage her know right now, or give her some time before I talk to her again.

it has been about 5 days since we last talked to each other... and she said it was too hurtful to think about us.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

In terms or breakup and reconciliation, 5 days is the blink of an eye from what i have experienced here. As the one wanting to work as hard as it takes and fix things etc, it feels like forever but to my wife who has spent a LONG time agonising over whether to split or not, 5 days is nothing.

My wife knows i am working on my issues now but I have to accept, even totally fixing them may never get her back. Certainly if she ever does come back to me it would be a long term thing. If you have hurt her and lost her trust, winning that back will be a long hard process. Or impossible..


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

PixelPusher said:


> This sounds good. I will really take this to heart. I just don't know if I should engage her know right now, or give her some time before I talk to her again.
> 
> it has been about 5 days since we last talked to each other... and she said it was too hurtful to think about us.


I think you will have to be a little more specific about the events leading up to the separation, and what type of disagreements you have with your wife. In some cases it might be appropriate to beg for forgiveness, but in others that would be the worst thing you could do.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Hi Pixel - I'll recommend involving right people in this debacle. Make sure you only involve those people who you trust and they think good for both you and your wife.

DO not take advise or invlove Divorce people in this ordeal.

God Bless

Zappy


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