# In a ten year relationship, need to talk, no one to talk to



## Ryan33 (Sep 24, 2012)

Sorry this is long.
I'm a male, and have been with my girlfriend for about ten years now. Most of my twenties. I don't really have anyone close male friends anymore, just a female (friends only). So I need to get this out here, hope some can take the time to read it all.

In my late teens, I dated a girl three years younger than me. I loved her, she was all I ever thought about. I, however, cheated on her, been young and horny, and her not so much so. We ended it, and after hearing some stroies about her, it was for the best.

When I first saw her, I knew I wanted her. I'm very picky and very few girls I see give me that feeling of attraction. About a year later, I found out this girl at the gym liked me. She was good looking, though not wow to me, but I heard she wasn't the brightest lol. Well I called her up, and the conversations went really well, surprisingly. However, she had a bf at the time, but he was a real jerk, up to no good, while her family was prim and proper. So the game of her taken, probably made it more interesting for me.

She eventually ended it with him, and we started dating. Like I said it was never "wow" with her, it was just comfortable. Which I probably should have ended it there, but I think somewhere in my life, something happened where I have a problem hurting someone. So I never ended it.

Fast forward about ten years, and we're still together. We got into a routine, it was comfortable, I think I battle/battled a bit of depression, so the years just kept going by.

I started talking to other girls a few years ago, which obviously wasn't right. Obviously if she ever found out it would hurt her more than breaking up with her. But at the same time, as terrible as it sounds, it made our relationship more 'okay' for me.

Now about three years ago, I tried to end it. And was really close to splitting up. But some things happened, and all the sudden we're back in the relationship. She just pretends it never happened, and everything is fine. Sure enough, about three months later, we have sex for the first time in about 6-9 months, and she gets pregnant (we used protection). Before the kid was born, I had another breakdown, trying to end it. But agreed to be there for the first while, and if I wanted to leave after a few months, okay. Well the kid was born, and it was great, and we get into a routine again.

Now our kid is 2.5. I get to see him everyday, and I couldn't imagine not having that. I can't imagine him having split parents, as my parents are still together. The thought of it kills me. And I also think about splitting, then say I find another girl who has a kid, we eventually move in, with her kid there full time, and my kid comes there part time. Like what it must be like for him to have to deal with that, and what he's thinking. Or what if I move in with someone, have a kid, and he's only visiting part time. It's like he's #2 now. I understand it's fairly common in today's society, but as someone who strides to be perfect, it kills me.

Now about our relationship. This is what makes everything so hard. We get along pretty good. We don't fight that much. However, we aren't affectionate towards each other at all. We have the same beliefs, and interests, which is why things aren't terible. She's a great mom, which believes in doing things the same way I do. But it's almost like we're roommates and not lovers.

Now I know after being together for ten years, some of the 'fire' is gone. But it's never really been there. I've never actually told her I love her. I have zero sexual attraction to her, and I feel terrible about that. We'll have sex like once a year. I have a lot going on right now, that it's not that big of deal to me, and time seems like it flies by. But at the same time, I think about having a girl, that I can't wait to rip her clothes off. Or I can't wait for her to come home from work. Or I can't wait to kiss her. Or I can't keep my hands off. Or I care to ask how her day was, or what I can do for her, etc. Someone I can't stop thinking about.

I'm really not nice to her, as sad as it sounds, I think I originally wasn't nice to her, so she would leave on her own. I don't ask how her day is or anything like that. When I tried to end it with her the first time, I told her all of this, that she deserves someone to treat her good, and care for her properly. But I think she's just happy with our little family (10 year old dog together too), and a roof on her head. 

What's also hard is that she is probably closer to my family than she is with her own family. When I tried to end it the first time, my dad told me I'm stupid, and she's a million times too good for me (thanks for the support dad). When she gets made, she's say really ignorant names to me, and I also say them back. But she seems so innocent, so everyone that knows her, including my parents, think she is perfect.

I just don't know what to do, or if I can even end it if I wanted to. Feel like I will ruin her life if I end it. I know I only have one life and I need to be happy too. But sometimes I think I'd rather just stay like this, and let my kid grow up in a normal life, have another kid, and just be one big family. I love our kid, and love everything about it, and would love to have another one. 

I mean we fight, which obviously isn't healthy, but it's not that frequent. In short, things are 'okay', not great obviously, but not terrible, which is why it makes things so difficult. As for trying to 'rekindle' the relationship, like I said, it was never really the greatest of relationships, that I think there's anything to rekindle.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Sounds like a really tricky situation that has gone on a long time, and is now further 'complicated' by the child you have together.

In my opinion, you have two choices.

1. End things, and give you both a future opportunity at true happiness with someone they are deeply in love with. That may sound cruel and selfish, but it sounds like this relationship isn't really a relationship at all....it is two people living together and existing. Doing this will be incredibly difficult for the three of you, of course and you'd have to be completely sure first.

2. Forget the past, and decide to make THIS relationship the one you want. Commit 100% to your relationship, your GF and your son. That might mean stripping everything down and starting again from the beginning. Completely getting to know each other again. It sounds like therapy might be needed for this. You might be surprised at how good a new relationship you can create. Look at the foundation you have - 10 years together, a son together, you get along well(you said yourself you share the same beliefs and interests) and she's a very good person. That is a LOT more than some people start with 

Maybe it's not about _rekindling_ your relationship, but more about _creating_ a whole new one. 

The third option would be to do nothing and keep things the way they are. I think you would be doing yourself and her a disservice if you chose this one. If you wanted things to stay the way they are, you wouldn't have created this thread.

The very best of luck.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Maybe if you communicate all of this to your g/f, you will find that she is not happy either & you can go your separate ways.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ryan, I agree with your dad. 

I think you're like a lot of younger people who have unrealistically high expectations of what love "should" be. You can make yourself miserable thinking about it. You can make her and your son miserable by leaving and chasing your non-existent fantasy woman. Who knows, maybe someday you'd find her. Then again, maybe you'll realize that with high passion comes high drama and find yourself longing for the person who put up with your little isms for over a decade and gave you a terrific son.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do this girl a favor and end it once & for all. By your own admission, you aren't attracted to her, don't love her and are mean to her.

End it and move on.


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## Ryan33 (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate it.



Jellybeans said:


> Do this girl a favor and end it once & for all. By your own admission, you aren't attracted to her, don't love her and are mean to her.
> 
> End it and move on.


Well I wouldn't say mean, but I'm not as caring as I could be, or she deserves. But that being said she's fairly happy, or 'content', especially now that she has a kid. I think she could definitely be happier though. But if I did end it, she would be devistated, it's not like she's on the fence about us.



KathyBatesel said:


> Ryan, I agree with your dad.
> 
> I think you're like a lot of younger people who have unrealistically high expectations of what love "should" be. You can make yourself miserable thinking about it. You can make her and your son miserable by leaving and chasing your non-existent fantasy woman. Who knows, maybe someday you'd find her. Then again, maybe you'll realize that with high passion comes high drama and find yourself longing for the person who put up with your little isms for over a decade and gave you a terrific son.


But if I'm not truly happy, why settle? I mean, leaving for some fantasy dream is one thing, but if I have zero attraction to the current gf, is it fair to myself or her, that I stay.



Emerald said:


> Maybe if you communicate all of this to your g/f, you will find that she is not happy either & you can go your separate ways.


I have. It's like she lives in a fantasy world, and pretty much ignores it. The first time I tried to end it, all the sudden she agrees there are some things that maybe she needs to work on. And she says she just wants to forget this all happened, a little creepy. Then a couple weeks later these things she needed to work on are forgotten and everything is back to normal. This was few years ago, some of the issues aren't as major as they were.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

But if I'm not truly happy, why settle? I mean, leaving for some fantasy dream is one thing, but if I have zero attraction to the current gf, *is it fair to myself* or her, that I stay.

being harsh here. Who cares what fair to you..
How have you even earned that? You have basically wasted 10 years of her life..


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## Ryan33 (Sep 24, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> But if I'm not truly happy, why settle? I mean, leaving for some fantasy dream is one thing, but if I have zero attraction to the current gf, *is it fair to myself* or her, that I stay.
> 
> being harsh here. Who cares what fair to you..
> How have you even earned that? You have basically wasted 10 years of her life..


Fair enough (your opinion). Although it's not a very good reason, it's been ten years because I obviously have issues of hurting her, as stupid as it may sound.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

There's a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" you could try reading.

But I think this is for people that are in love or once were; doesn't really apply to you.

I don't understand why she would stay with someone for 10 yrs. who never said "I love you" & only has sex once a year.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Ryan33 said:


> Fair enough (your opinion). Although it's not a very good reason, it's been ten years because I obviously have issues of hurting her, as stupid as it may sound.


Believe this has gone beyond hurting her..

You really need to sit down with her,and express what your thoughts are..You owe her at least that


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I don't understand why she would stay with someone for 10 yrs. who never said "I love you" & only has sex once a year.


My question too. Although she seems to be adept at just sweeping issues under the rug. Apparently she's willing to settle for little as well.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ryan33 said:


> I obviously have issues of hurting her, as stupid as it may sound.


You've already hurt her; you've just done it in a passive-aggressive manner. The same way she has hung in there and asked for little, or simply avoided bringing up difficult issues.

I've hurt people. People have hurt me. It's called the reality of life. You can live the rest of your lives together, but it doesn't sound like it's fulfilling or healthy. 

Still, it's your life and your choices.


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## Ryan33 (Sep 24, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I don't understand why she would stay with someone for 10 yrs. who never said "I love you" & only has sex once a year.


As I said above, I think she kinda lives in a fantasy world, she ignores the negatives, like they don't exist. I think she thinks though I don't say it, I mean it.



Jonesey said:


> Believe this has gone beyond hurting her..
> 
> You really need to sit down with her,and express what your thoughts are..You owe her at least that


I have told her all of this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's clear you want out. So why string her along?

It's pretty cold what you are doing, IMO. 

The entire relationship is a farce.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I used to work with a guy who had a g/f for 10 yrs. He was never in love with her but liked her & kept postponing marriage. They did have fun together, trips, etc. & created a home together.

She was blindly in love with him.

Last year he fell in love with another woman & promptly left her.

You see OP, all it's going to take is another woman & you will be gone so fast.

Your g/f is plan B.


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## Ryan33 (Sep 24, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I used to work with a guy who had a g/f for 10 yrs. He was never in love with her but liked her & kept postponing marriage. They did have fun together, trips, etc. & created a home together.
> 
> She was blindly in love with him.
> 
> ...


I have met and talked to other girls. But I am extremely picky with very high standards, which is why leaving her for any of them never happened.

I get what you're saying though. And if I did meet that girl, you are probably right.

But at the same time, people always say, obviously it's more passionate/intense in the beginning. Years later the initial passion dies down. I mean we've been together for ten years, that's a fairly long time... but that being said, I feel there is zero attraction, I mean even after ten years you'd think there would still be enough to want to have sex a few times a month, instead of it feeling like a chore. As I said, I do think I have some battles with depression, which may effect my sex drive, but if I'm out somewhere, around other girls, I can tell the sex drive isn't lacking.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Almost the same situation years and years ago but for 8 years and the best thing that ever happened to me is when I finally got the balls to end it,because I would always go back after she would start crying and she even had a mental break one time but fortunatly we never got married which was her HUGE issue since. I look back and do kick myself for wasting so much of her life when she could have found somebody else.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"I feel there is zero attraction"
There are different kinds of atraction for men.

1. The attraction of newness and variety
2. The attraction of what seems unattainble
3. The attraction of beauity, ( Chemestry, biology, and upbringing, includes sexual)
4. The attraction of personality (social skills and interacions)
5. The attraction of character (diff than personality, example, kindness, faithfulness, truthfulness) 
6. The attraction of connection, (communication, thought processes)
7. The attraction of persona

Can you tell us what attracts you to women in general from this list or others.

What attracts you to your wife or at least use to?
There had to be somthing however small!

Also if you are discontent and always looking for another this will greatly lessen you attraction to your current spouse and I believe that is why you feel Zero attaction, that is not her fault, and it is very fixable. 

I think that the often overlooked quality that can spark a longstanding relationship is sympathy, if we truly look at our partner with sympathy (not pity, its completly different) we cant help but feel sexual attraction to them, period.

And not having sex with them more than once a year is cruel.

I will tell you what i think here. You are relying on the more natural reasons for attraction and so you are at their mercy, if they are not there you are lost.

It is the character based reasons that make it possibe to really love a woman over the years and grow old with her.

When will you be a better you, a better person, (not calling you names here) who can love this way if the natural reason lessen or are removed?

I'm asking you how you can improve yourself to love in a more mature way, (again not judging here), because its not there now ,

But in the end it is the most satisfying love and the most fulfilling personally. 

This I say after 25 years of marriage and having raised 4 kid to adulthood.

Sympathy -an affinity, association, or relationship between persons or things wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other! 

Do you really have no symathy for your wife and mother of your children?
Is that the kind of person you want to be?
If you dont become a better person through growing in character in your relationships how will you ever?
Think about it


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"I look back and do kick myself for wasting so much of her life when she could have found somebody else." 

I am not discounting this BTW ( I know Dub you were not talikng to me)

My real question is what did you put into this relationship besides time and energy, did you try to become a better partner and lover?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> You have basically wasted 10 years of her life..


 As a woman, I have to say SHE has wasted her own life as well.

Look, YOU'RE UNHAPPY, DISSATISFIED, LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO CHEAT WITH (c'mon, you KNOW if a bombshell gave you 'the eye' you'd be sleeping with her in a HEARTBEAT).

Your GF is hiding, avoiding, settling.

Sounds like a helluva relationship to make your son watch! What? You think in a few more years he's NOT GONNA figure out that Daddy has a wandering eye and Mommy is either too scared/damaged (lack of self-worth) to live in a REAL PARTNERSHIP!

GET OUT. Get out for YOU. Get out for HER. Get out for HIM. You've been in this relationship for TEN YEARS because you've taken the path of least resistance. In the beginning, you were getting laid, getting meals, getting your laundry done. NOT GOOD REASONS TO BE WITH A WOMAN! SHE was getting laid, getting the bills paid, getting a decent roof over her head. NOT GOOD REASONS TO BE WITH A MAN!

Both of you need to QUIT BEING LAZY and instead BE ADULT!

Just MHO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ryan33 said:


> I have met and talked to other girls. But I am extremely picky with very high standards, which is why leaving her for any of them never happened.
> 
> I get what you're saying though. And if I did meet that girl, you are probably right.


Wow. So you are essentialy stringing this one along til you find someone who meets your "high standards."

That is so incredibly selfish. 

WHY are you wasting eachothers' time? Why not just end it??? 

She is you "reserve" girl. That is so fvcked up. 

Imagine if someone were doing this to you!


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## nikon09 (Aug 15, 2015)

End it. You both deserve to be with people who make you happier. She may not realize it, but you might actually be giving her the push she needs to get out and meet someone else that will be the "right" one for her. If you're this unhappy, DO NOT have another child with her. It will only complicate things more and make it that much more difficult to separate. 

I sympathize with you because I did something similar to you, except I married him and had 3 kids. 13 year later, I am miserable. There is no communication, no kindness, no support, no love, nothing except sharing the responsibilities of raising kids. I am working on getting financially stable enough to leave now but worry all the time about what kind of example we are to the kids for what a marriage is supposed to be and don't want them to think that this is right. If you stay together, your son will learn the same. 

You have a tough decision to make but it sounds like you already know in your gut what's right for you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

nikon09 said:


> End it. You both deserve to be with people who make you happier. She may not realize it, but you might actually be giving her the push she needs to get out and meet someone else that will be the "right" one for her. If you're this unhappy, DO NOT have another child with her. It will only complicate things more and make it that much more difficult to separate.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You think maybe they sorted it out in the last THREE F'ING YEARS???


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## Trakz (Aug 9, 2015)

IMO, if you stay based upon the reasons you have given I feel that your child will pick up on the factor that his parents settled. Do you want your child to grow up thinking it's okay to just settle for less than your capable of? She may be okay with taking less than she deserves and maybe you as well but the factor that you are here to talk about it says to me that you're not okay with that. 

You have acted very selfishly. You have stuck with a woman you don't really care about. Which is evident in the factor that you have met and talked with other girls and at the time period you only stayed with her because they weren't enough to bother leaving. If they were. You would be gone without a lot of thought of the pain you have caused her. Maybe you have a fear of being alone. I don't know. 

Now,maybe you do have issues with hurting people but that's no excuse. You have now wasted 10 years of both your life and her's on a relationship that you're not 100% into. She's not innocent. She's done the same. 

Now you do have the option of staying but I guarantee that is not going to put all the childish shenanigans behind you. You will still look around. When these feelings have been present since the beginning, I honestly don't feel there is any way for you to wake up one day head over heels. It's a great notion but not a realistic one. 

I do agree with you that it would be horrible for your kid to only be there part time. However, maybe you two can work it out in a custody hearing that you can see him everyday. I don't know anything about how those work. 

I think you already know what you need to do. You may not ever find anyone better than her but with the very factor that you have looked around for better do you really think you deserve her? 

You only have one life. You both really need to find people who will care and love for you for the people you really are. Don't get wrong.


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## kelvinbgillis (Aug 25, 2015)

Leave her... You and she both deserve some type of happiness. It sounds life you both have major communication issues. I bet she feels the same way you do and just have not vocalized it. Please stop wasting each other time. You guys have both wasted enough time within the last ten years. It is obvious that you guys don't gel.
Good Luck


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Has it occurred to you that she might have someone on the side who is into her? This is a perfect situation for that to happen. 

Just end it, you've already wasted 10 years of her life when you don't love her and aren't attracted to her. She really does deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Zombie thread


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