# I know she is having an affair but I dont want a divorce



## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

My wife and I have been together 12 years today! Married for almost 11. She cheated on me a year after getting married, she would not admit it, first the whole they are just "friends" then it was that they only "kissed", then finally I got the entire story. We have four kids, 2 from her previous marriage that I adopted and we have twin boys that were born in 2004. I was "snipped" or "fixed" in December 2004. She then became pregnant in the spring of 2006 and tried to convince me that the vacectomy did not work. I finally got to the point where I did not believe her and told her that I was going to have a paternity test done and that I would leave her that very day if it wasnt mine. She then admitted that it wasnt mine, to which I gave her 3 choices; Leave me and have the baby on her own, have the baby and make the "real" father be a father to the child, or abort the baby and stay with me. This may seem cold, but there was no way I could look at that child every single day and not think of her cheating on me. She chose the last option and opted for the abortion. We have had a rocky relationship for the past 6 years, mainly because she is unstable and that I was never able to forgive her for the affairs as I used them as a furnace to store my hurt and anger and would rear its ugly head when she would make me mad or when she would do something to make me think she was cheating again. Fast forward to a few months ago, I found out that she was "sexting" someone in this game that she plays online that has a texting option. She said that she only did it because she wanted to masterbate and that was just her form of pornography. She said that she ONLY talked to them online and they knew nothing about her and she never saw or talked to them on the phone. Fast forward to a month ago and i found numerous phone calls to and from the same phone number that would last an hour or even longer.She even spent 3 and a half hours on the phone with this person one night when I was camping with my scouts. When I confronted her on this she said she was sorry but that it had stopped. We had a big blowout and she started calling this person again, if they were not seeing each other then, they are now as she disapears for hours and has a lock on her phone but texts all the time through this game. She tells me that I "always" accuse her of cheating and that I am just a jealous freak. She says that she does not love me and hasnt loved me for many years and that she has emotionally checked out, we went to a MC but she stopped going as she told the counselor that she doesnt want to be there. She just told me yesterday that she wants a divorce. I told her to give it 30 days, to just live with one another so we can raise our children together. She states that she does not believe that I am capable of this, but my kids are my life! I am trying the 180 approach, but am I just being stupid? Living with me and sleeping with this other man, while I am home covering her tracks with the kids. I know that I must appear weak and not worthy in her eyes now. I desperately want to save my marriage, but at what cost? I used to get mad and pissed off, but now I am just numb to the whole thing...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You better save yourself before thinking about saving your marriage.
You are now officially a doormat and she can easily get away with "sorry, it won't happen again".
You can save your marriage if you keep on being the way you are now.
She's a serial cheater and you'll just have to put up with this if you don't want a divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What a trainwreck of a person your wife is


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Dude you married a serial cheating skank. Is your self respect so low, or are you so complacent, that this is how you want to spend your life?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

do you really think they don't know. come on man. what kind of example are you setting for the kids.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

TINPHX said:


> I know that I must appear weak and not worthy in her eyes now.


I would think so, why do you do this? It makes you less attractive to you your wife and pushes her towards other men.



TINPHX said:


> I desperately want to save my marriage, but at what cost?


I assume the cost you are referring to is your own self respect - you cannot save your marriage if this is the price. See above.



TINPHX said:


> I used to get mad and pissed off, but now I am just numb to the whole thing...


This is not the opposite of appearing weak and not worthy, it's just being mad and pissed off. The opposite of appearing weak and unworthy is to calmly and rationally not put up with her sh!t - and she's fed you truck loads of it. The better approach would be to calmly and clearly express to her what you are and are not willing to accept and what your actions will be if she crosses those boundaries - and then enforce that if she does. But you have to mean it!! Otherwise - if you fold - it just further proves and reenforces that you are weak and worthy. 

But really - why do you want her back? If I read right she's had three affairs that you know about - she's got major issues that I doubt anyone could change.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is so sad. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? Would you want your children to grow up and be in a marriage like this? She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough. Time to see a lawyer.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Save your marriage????

Dude you never had a marriage to begin with. 

She has cheated on you multiple time and got pregnant by OM. Have you paternity tested the other kids? It's 50/50 they are not yours either.

As the children grow older do you want them to see their mother going out and f*cking other men? Do you want them to think this is normal, acceptable behavior?

You say you want to stay for the sake of your kids. That is exactly the reason she has to go - for the sake of the kids and your piece of mind.

Divorce.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do twins run in either of your families?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep working on the 180, remember these steps or for you own protection, the plan here is to put up the walls that will prevent more emotional torture.

Start taking care of your self, your kids are counting on this, you must get your strenght back so please right now focus on your self. Go get a hair cut buy some new clothes and keep going to counselling.

Go see you doctor and get some anti depressants, you have to get stronger and once you do you will regain the strength to fight and see the unhealthy marriage your kids are witnessing.

Go work out and start a hobby, right now today you have to start working on your self. NO ONE ELSE WILL!

The healthier you get through what you do for your self, what IC does and with your doctor you will start to see clearer and make the healthier dicision for your kids and your self.

Right now you can't control your WW she is a lost cause.... has been for years, but you my friend have a chance to control how you want your kids to grow up and how a real man can be a healthy father, and not tolorate this abuse. The examble you are showing your kids is not good....please change for your self and your kids.

I'm not going to bash you....there are plenty here at TAM to do that, and make no mistake these folks are looking out for you more then your cheating wife ever will. It may sound harsh but its the e-2x4 in your face that you need to see through the forest.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

TINPHX said:


> I finally got to the point where I did not believe her and told her that I was going to have a paternity test done and that I would leave her that very day if it wasnt mine. She then admitted that it wasnt mine, to which I gave her 3 choices
> 
> ...She just told me yesterday that she wants a divorce. I told her to give it 30 days, to just live with one another so we can raise our children together.


Wait you said you'd leave her that very day if you found out it wasn't yours. So she tells you it isn't yours and you give her a bunch of options. WEAK.

Then later on she says she wants a divorce and you practically beg her to give you another 30 days so you can raise yourk ids together. Not sure what you're going to get done in 30 days but the begging for 30 days more so you can somehow prove yourself to this serial repeated cheater is VERY WEAK.

She keeps calling your bluffs, cheats on you, gets pregnant with other guys kids, tells you she wants a divorce and here you are begging for another chance. 

Time to man up


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Save yourself and your kids -- End this sham of a marriage now. She doesn't respect you and obviously neither do you. Next, your kids won't respect you. (It may not happen now, but if you don't leave this evil woman, they will resent you when they get older.)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hey TIN: Run... Do not walk to your lawyer's office. You deserve a loving wife and your kids deserve a loving mother...something neither of you are getting. I'm eternally sorry that you married the type of woman that you did, but you are so deserving of someone who will love you with their whole heart than someone who habitually torments you. It is far beyond time for you to move on, with your kids in tow.

You are a far better Dad to them on your worst day than she is a mother to them on her best one. I wish you well, my friend!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

TINPHX, perhaps if you would secure a paternity test for the twins, you might change you feelings about a divorce?


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Strength shows by taking action to actually make things better. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. You won't be able to move forward at all if you don't take control of yourself. By taking the right actions you'll make things better and show strength. 

Stop giving ultimatums - they don't work. Tell her your expectations and what the consequences are if she doesn't meet those. Then follow through. 

You deserve the truth - that's what she agreed to on the day you agreed to get married. If she won't deliver, then you shouldn't accept continuous lying.

The truth is that if you're not willing to demand fidelity and truth from her and then deliver the consequences if she doesn't give them, you won't get results from her. She has no reason to give you fidelity and truth if all you do is fuss at her or deliver ultimatums. She knows she can take a little grief to get what she wants - her cake and eat it, too.

Take control of your actions and stop accepting junk. That will make things better.


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

perfect doormat !!!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

buddy, look around SOMEWHERE in your house and find your nads cause she sure as hell got them stashed somewhere. look your ol ladies a ho---period, and you keep bending right over and taking it up your rearend. i got a 20 spot that says you best be checking out whos daddy to the twins.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TINPHX left 2 minutes after posting. Is he even reading any of this?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> TINPHX left 2 minutes after posting. Is he even reading any of this?


He maybe searching for the jar in which she put his balls, 

Did you done the paternity test? do it first.

Was she thrown out of the earlier marriage due to infidelity? may be.

Dude we are not hurting you, we are only saying the truth, seeing some one suffer like this and your reactions to that make us pissed. Its time for you to get rid of your cheating wife. Its too late, you must have done this in 2006 when she came with some ones seed and tried to make you to grow her illicit child, This is the utmost betrayal, still you are with her? what is wrong with your self respect and worthiness.

Its time for you to stand on your feet and fight for your life, its running out of oxygen.
Issue her with a D papers.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It seems he just vented his feelings and ran away. Poor OP.

Warlock commented befittingly.

I believe OP will see the replies as a guest atleast....


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

I have not run away nor hid. I have been reading the posts as that is why we post here, correct? Some of the posts are very encouraging and informative. Some of them I can see bitterness from what they have been through themselves. As far as the twins go, they are mine. They are the spitting image of me and have a rare blood type of A negative. Dont think for a minute that I didnt question if they were going to be mine before and even when they were born, but they are definately mine...LOL.. I do know what needs to happen, I myself come from a broken home from childhood and was devastated. My brother and I turned out quite different as I am a very successful mortgage banker that makes a very good living, and he is a low life that never takes any responsibility for his actions. I promised myself when I was younger that I would always be there for my children and do whatever it takes to make sure that they are happy. I didnt expect it to come to this! The first affair in 2002 I know that I should have seen the writing on the wall, but we all make mistakes, correct? Then the one in 2006 I had convinced myself that it would be the last because she was very apologetic, showed tons of remorse, and my twins were only a year old that I was very much in love with being a Daddy! I adopted her older kids back in September 2009, and that is when things really started going downhill. Looking back on it, that is when she started checking out and not really trying as hard because I was on the hook now for all 4 kids, I hate to think this way but it is kind of a reality check! What is very sad about this whole thing is that we had it made! 6 figure income, a great home, vehicles, ATV's, lots of vacations, she is a stay at home Mom that homeschooled all 4 of our kids. I provided a very good living for us, and none of that matters now 

I do know that it is not going to work with us. It is time to plan an exit strategy. I am not going to jump into anything as I am through letting my emotions control me. I know its not healthy for me nor my children, it is very hard to just let go though. Finding someone else is not a problem, I take decent care of myself, I am successful, outgoing, and the type of guy that people like to be around. I have just failed and its very hard to come to grips with that fact....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

SHe's a SHAM? Ok, so cut off her phone and her access to credit and money. Only money that she gets is for the kids etc. none to pay for the things that enable her affair.

and you must expose it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What a piece of work. To do what she did after adopting the kids is horrible behavior.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> SHe's a SHAM? Ok, so cut off her phone and her access to credit and money. Only money that she gets is for the kids etc. none to pay for the things that enable her affair.
> 
> and you must expose it.


:iagree:

IKR? Another SAHM having an affair. One would think that homeschooling FOUR children at home full time, a SAHM wouldn't have time to do sh!t like this. But as we have seen time and time again, SAHMs always find a way to still cheat. This is VERY similar to HurtinginTN's situation, with his WW homeschooling their three kids.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to talk to a lawyer to help you build your exit strategy. 

Find out what to look forward to in regards to child custody, child support payments, alimony payments, etc.

Find out what to do before moving on. Closing all joint accounts, credit cards, etc.

Once you are prepared, file for divorce. 

It is sad you are in this situation. You said you never wanted this for your kids. But you have to deal with the situation you are in. The best you can do for your kids at this point is to show them about self respect. About standing up for yourself and for them and for doing the right thing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TINPHX said:


> I adopted her older kids back in September 2009, and that is when things really started going downhill. Looking back on it, that is when she started checking out and not really trying as hard because I was on the hook now for all 4 kids, I hate to think this way but it is kind of a reality check!


And now you see her for what she is, a *lazy gold digger*. She conned you and played the good wife in order to set her hooks into you and get you to adopt her kids. Now she feels you don't DARE divorce her because you've got 4 kids now. She figures on alimony and child support for 4 kids, so she doesn't care and can do what she REALLY wants to do, and that's live the single life on your dime.

You were played. But now you can get your self respect back.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wow

Can't really add more than what has already been said.

Time to stick a fork in this marriage. It's done!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I will only add, that you did not fail. you was just taken by a master lier. many of us have fallen for it. I just hope you got a prenup.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I just want to comment on your statement that you hear bitterness in these posts.

There is no doubt that being betrayed can leave you bitter. It can also leave you with a powerful desire to prevent other people from making the mistakes that can turn you into a bitter person. 

The real question is, where is YOUR anger and bitterness after living such a long time with a serial cheater who takes your trust and love and spits all over it?

These people here are not out to attack you. They are trying to show you how it looks from across the Internet based on the information you chose to share.

It's very clear what a good person you are. You are loving. You are faithful. You are a provider. You took in someone else's children. No one doubts any of this about you.

The point is, such a good person does not deserve to be treated this way. We are, collectively as a group, DISGUSTED by her behavior and we want you to see this too. That not only you, but also HER OWN CHILDREN deserve better.

Oh, and by the way, about her remorse: it's shown via actions, NOT words. Her actions are saying she is NOT remorseful. She was remorseful she got caught, end of story. She knows what she's doing is wrong and she doesn't give a damn.

But WE give a damn. And we don't even know you. Don't you see how backwards that is?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What a piece of work. To do what she did after adopting the kids is horrible behavior.


Standard Operating Procedure when executing premeditated divorce theft. OP see your attorney yesterday.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

First go and meet the attorney and learn your options, Then cut her away from your joint credit cards asap. Else she will ruin you financially when she know about your plan to divorce her. Expose her to all including her elder childrens.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

T,



> *I have just failed and its very hard to come to grips with that fact....*


It takes 2 to be in a marriage. One cannot do it by themselves.

Your wayward wife has failed your marriage multiple times.

You have not failed your marriage. You just let her get away with her failures.

Take care of yourself and go see an attorney.

You have no other options.

HM64


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

What else can be said? Secure your finances ASAP. She will definitely go after every dime that is available for her to get. 

Other than that, get out. Get the eff out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't blame yourself for the failure of the marriage. She's the one who failed. 

My heart breaks for you friend. Don't be hard on yourself: many of us here (me included) were taken for fools. You're not the first good guy to be suckered by a wayward and you won't be the last. 

Do the 180 on her to steel yourself for the hellstorm to come. I maybe missed it mentioned, but if you have not done it the link is below my post here. 

Look to your own needs now. Lawyer up. Hire the meanest, nastiest ambulance chaser you can find and go after her with both barrels. Make her rue the day she took you for granted.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

I know that I deserve better. And I am sure that I will feel better about everything once I tell her that I am done. It's the kids that I am worried about. I saw what she did to her ex before me and I am afraid to see how she will use the kids against me. I installed a GPS tracker on her car to have proof ( like I needed it ). It is very hard to understand or comprehend how just a few short weeks ago she is telling me that she loves me and only me, that there couldnt possibly be another man. Now here I am being the one who is left out looking in. I woke up this morning thinking to myself "man I just had an awful dream", then I realized its reality. It's only been a ride from the start that was destined to end.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So many of us know exactly how that feels. Let me tell you, you will continue to have that "was it all a bad dream" feeling for a very, very, very long time; so may as well get used to it now.

Perhaps the biggest blessing in this is that you have actually adopted the children. So she can try to use them as pawns--which is sick and sad--but legally the adopted kids are just as much yours as if they were in fact your biological offspring.

And this is how you can channel the hurt and disbelief: one step in front of the other for those innocent lives that are looking for someone, anyone, to set a stable example. If any good is to come out of this, it's that the kids will see that when someone proves to be entirely untrustworthy, you exit gracefully and continue on. You do not stoop to their level nor do you allow them to treat you like a doormat.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

I know that I deserve better. And I am sure that I will feel better about everything once I tell her that I am done. It's the kids that I am worried about. I saw what she did to her ex before me and I am afraid to see how she will use the kids against me. I installed a GPS tracker on her car to have proof ( like I needed it ). It is very hard to understand or comprehend how just a few short weeks ago she is telling me that she loves me and only me, that there couldnt possibly be another man. Now here I am being the one who is left out looking in. I woke up this morning thinking to myself "man I just had an awful dream", then I realized its reality. It's only been a ride from the start that was destined to end.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Sorry you are here. You saw how she alineated her ex (that was a sign of things to come
and the type of person she is. Dont worry about the past focus on the future. I was in your
situation, tried everything to save the marriage and keep the family together for my son. It
didnt work. My STBXW like yours didnt respect me and my ultimatums were ignored. You will
feel better when you divorce her. At least you will keep your pride and dignity. Nothing worst
than looking in the mirror and not liking what you see: a guy letting his wife walk all over him.

Plan exit strategy and be ready for the worst. Dont let fear intimidate you. Its a battle worth fighting
for (your kids).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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