# Feeling more and more like a paycheck



## Vtecthis

My wife and I have almost been married for 2 years. Recently I have been feeling more and more like she just wants me around for my paycheck. I make pretty good money, but am not rich by any means.

Before we got married, my wife was very sweet, kind, loving and affectionate. She used to tell me that she couldn't wait till we got married so she could take care of me and our home. (What kind of guy wouldn't love to hear those words!)

But, that never happened. From day one, she didn't do much of anything. We both worked full time jobs, and I did 90% of all the housework. We wanted to have kids and we both agreed that we wanted her to stay home to raise them. So I got a second job to allow her to stay home. Even still she didn't do much, and after we would talk about it (and argue sometimes) she would do better for a while then go back to not doing anything.

We now have a 4 month old BEAUTIFUL baby boy, who I am completely in love with!  However, I'm feeling pretty lonely. 

The affection and intimacy has never been what I have wanted it to be, nor has it been what we talked about before marriage either. But now that our son is born, she gives love, attention, affection, patience, and kindness to him, yet I seem to get everything that is left over... Irritation, frustration, anger... She is not very kind anymore, except when she wants something, and intimacy is only once or twice a month at best.

I realize that being a new parent is very taxing, but whenever I'm not working, I'm doing everything I can to help out with chores and taking care of our son. I've even told her she can go off with her girl friends to scrapbooking days, shopping at the mall and getting her nails done ect, while I watch him. When I tell her how I'm feeling, she either gets very defensive and angry, or says she is sorry, but nothing changes.

I guess I'm feeling, neglected and lonely and like she loves our son WAY more than she does me, and the biggest reason she wants me around is because I provide for her... Will this EVER get better?


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## Amplexor

Vtecthis said:


> But now that our son is born, she gives love, attention, affection, patience, and kindness to him, yet I seem to get everything that is left over... Irritation, frustration, anger... She is not very kind anymore, except when she wants something, and intimacy is only once or twice a month at best.


There are other issues at play here for sure but this statement is a very common feeling for a new dad. It is not unkind to feel like you are now "sharing" your wife's affections but that is what in fact it boils down to. I remember this phase well after our first born when I felt left out. It is a phase of adjustment for both you and your wife. It does get better. Don't lump this in with the other issues with your wife, they are separate but related.


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## Mrs.G

Couples need to be prepared for what a baby can do to a marriage. I have heard so many men complain about the same issues. Your post details one reason my husband and I only want each other, not demanding little people who kill romance. 
You decided to become a father, so you will need to deal with the frustrations of having a new baby. Being a new mother is very consuming, much more so than being a dad. Sorry, but women have to bear much more pain, stress and headaches when raising kids.
Have you thought of getting away without your child?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal

I think your complaints are valid. You are bending over backwards to provide for her, give her breaks, help her with the chores and you are rewarded with no intimacy, anger, resentment, etc. I mean sure babies are hard I should know I've had 3 but thats no reason to take it out on you. I'd give her the sex except you say it was a problem from before baby so I'm leaving it in there.

I too think you have multiple issues at play. First you knew that she wasn't much of a homemaker yet you chose to bring a baby into the mix and let her be a sahm. Why? Did you think she'd suddenly become domestic? Either way sounds like you got the old bait and switch. She promised she'd keep house for you in the heat of the moment but in reality it's not her cup of tea.

Also you can help her to the nth degree and it isn't going to change the way she treats you. I think you are being too nice. Go post this question on the men's board.


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## HoopsFan

This is all very common unfortunately due to several possible reasons:
- alot of women struggle with the changes their body goes through during childbirth. The boobs get droopier, strech marks, stitched up vag, etc. And breastfeeding makes alot of them see their bodies as more utility than recreation

- babies are cute, amazing, adorable, etc. They're constantly doing new things and for a woman that's wanted to be a mommy her whole life, she's got a "shiny, new, goo-goo'ing toy in her life." You don't want this to turn into a baby vs. dady competition because you're going to lose that one everytime. Instead, get in there and help her with all of the baby stuff. And while she's taking care of the baby, you take care of her. She's not going to put romance high on her list for a while, so you need to be the initiater and make sure that it remains a presence in your marriage.

Be patient. If you come across as needy and just wanting sex, she's going to push you further away. Calmly discuss with her that you're concerned about the level of affection slipping post-baby and the effect that will have on your relationship... that men need sex from their wives to feel loved..


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## chillymorn

I think if she is being disrespectfull to you then you need to put your foot down.

Its pretty normal for new mothers to be overwhelmed with all the changes going on.

but when she crosses the line you need to say Hay baby I know your stressing with all the challanges of starting a new family but your poor attitude twords me has to stop and I mean now.

just be reasonable about when to put the hammer down.


if she still is disrespectfull then your F-----

good luck


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## Ten_year_hubby

One of the lowest points in marital satisfaction for men is the period of time following the birth of their first child. Exceeded only by the period after the birth of the second.

If you want to have little copies of your dna running around you are going to have to pay the price


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## Vtecthis

Thanks guys for all your responses! That's pretty much what I figured.

I have been trying to be patient and understanding with all the changes going on. I will have to continue to do that, but maybe it's time I start intiating more and putting my foot down when I do get disrespected badly enough.


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## Ten_year_hubby

I would wait til the kids are a little older before you get too heavy


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## MEM2020

Vtech,
All of this can be fixed. It will however take effort. 

I think you have learned a few things to date:
- Your W doesn't really prioritize your needs
- Getting angry at her and fighting (in the "normal" way) doesn't work with her
- Agreeing to have a child with her inadvertently communicated that you would accept having your needs ignored

First of all, your W is not going to want to have sex with you if she can easily push you around. Forget about "how" you got here, just ask yourself this question:
- Do you meet most/all of her core needs?
- Does she even seriously consider yours when you are unhappy?

The solution to "not being pushed around" is NOT to be aggressive/anger or "fight" more often. The solution is instead to take a constructive and firm approach and then STAND YOUR GROUND when SHE gets aggressive. And that will happen. Because so far she is used to "having it her way". 

Sit her down and tell her that you require the house to be at a certain level of "clean". And that it seems she is not able to get it there and you accept that. And so you have hired a cleaning service to come in once a week. HOWEVER, the cost of that service is going to come at the expense of discretionary income. This part is important. Pick some stuff you will give up and some stuff she needs to give up. Remember it is not "your" money. It is marital money. That said, you are within your rights to insist on certain things being done, and that your W choose between being productive and being able to afford certain luxuries. 

In parallel with that, get in shape (unless you already are) and start working on your sense of humor (this is a skill that can be developed) and your conversational abilities - with regard to what works with HER. 

You are going to need to read the "man up" posts here or you are at greater risk of her having an affair or divorcing you. 

At some point - you may also need to explain to her that you would not consider more children until the marriage gets healthy and stays healthy. And healthy basically means she treats you the way you treat her. 

If what you have written is accurate, she simply does not respect you.








Vtecthis said:


> My wife and I have almost been married for 2 years. Recently I have been feeling more and more like she just wants me around for my paycheck. I make pretty good money, but am not rich by any means.
> 
> Before we got married, my wife was very sweet, kind, loving and affectionate. She used to tell me that she couldn't wait till we got married so she could take care of me and our home. (What kind of guy wouldn't love to hear those words!)
> 
> But, that never happened. From day one, she didn't do much of anything. We both worked full time jobs, and I did 90% of all the housework. We wanted to have kids and we both agreed that we wanted her to stay home to raise them. So I got a second job to allow her to stay home. Even still she didn't do much, and after we would talk about it (and argue sometimes) she would do better for a while then go back to not doing anything.
> 
> We now have a 4 month old BEAUTIFUL baby boy, who I am completely in love with!  However, I'm feeling pretty lonely.
> 
> The affection and intimacy has never been what I have wanted it to be, nor has it been what we talked about before marriage either. But now that our son is born, she gives love, attention, affection, patience, and kindness to him, yet I seem to get everything that is left over... Irritation, frustration, anger... She is not very kind anymore, except when she wants something, and intimacy is only once or twice a month at best.
> 
> I realize that being a new parent is very taxing, but whenever I'm not working, I'm doing everything I can to help out with chores and taking care of our son. I've even told her she can go off with her girl friends to scrapbooking days, shopping at the mall and getting her nails done ect, while I watch him. When I tell her how I'm feeling, she either gets very defensive and angry, or says she is sorry, but nothing changes.
> 
> I guess I'm feeling, neglected and lonely and like she loves our son WAY more than she does me, and the biggest reason she wants me around is because I provide for her... Will this EVER get better?


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## Vtecthis

MEM11363 said:


> Vtech,
> All of this can be fixed. It will however take effort.
> 
> I think you have learned a few things to date:
> - Your W doesn't really prioritize your needs
> - Getting angry at her and fighting (in the "normal" way) doesn't work with her
> - Agreeing to have a child with her inadvertently communicated that you would accept having your needs ignored
> 
> First of all, your W is not going to want to have sex with you if she can easily push you around. Forget about "how" you got here, just ask yourself this question:
> - Do you meet most/all of her core needs?
> - Does she even seriously consider yours when you are unhappy?
> 
> The solution to "not being pushed around" is NOT to be aggressive/anger or "fight" more often. The solution is instead to take a constructive and firm approach and then STAND YOUR GROUND when SHE gets aggressive. And that will happen. Because so far she is used to "having it her way".
> 
> Sit her down and tell her that you require the house to be at a certain level of "clean". And that it seems she is not able to get it there and you accept that. And so you have hired a cleaning service to come in once a week. HOWEVER, the cost of that service is going to come at the expense of discretionary income. This part is important. Pick some stuff you will give up and some stuff she needs to give up. Remember it is not "your" money. It is marital money. That said, you are within your rights to insist on certain things being done, and that your W choose between being productive and being able to afford certain luxuries.
> 
> In parallel with that, get in shape (unless you already are) and start working on your sense of humor (this is a skill that can be developed) and your conversational abilities - with regard to what works with HER.
> 
> You are going to need to read the "man up" posts here or you are at greater risk of her having an affair or divorcing you.
> 
> At some point - you may also need to explain to her that you would not consider more children until the marriage gets healthy and stays healthy. And healthy basically means she treats you the way you treat her.
> 
> If what you have written is accurate, she simply does not respect you.


OK... I think you just hit the nail on the head! Thank you very much!


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## mr.miketastic

Vtecthis said:


> My wife and I have almost been married for 2 years. Recently I have been feeling more and more like she just wants me around for my paycheck. I make pretty good money, but am not rich by any means.
> 
> Before we got married, my wife was very sweet, kind, loving and affectionate. She used to tell me that she couldn't wait till we got married so she could take care of me and our home. (What kind of guy wouldn't love to hear those words!)
> 
> But, that never happened. From day one, she didn't do much of anything. We both worked full time jobs, and I did 90% of all the housework. We wanted to have kids and we both agreed that we wanted her to stay home to raise them. So I got a second job to allow her to stay home. Even still she didn't do much, and after we would talk about it (and argue sometimes) she would do better for a while then go back to not doing anything.
> 
> We now have a 4 month old BEAUTIFUL baby boy, who I am completely in love with!  However, I'm feeling pretty lonely.
> 
> The affection and intimacy has never been what I have wanted it to be, nor has it been what we talked about before marriage either. But now that our son is born, she gives love, attention, affection, patience, and kindness to him, yet I seem to get everything that is left over... Irritation, frustration, anger... She is not very kind anymore, except when she wants something, and intimacy is only once or twice a month at best.
> 
> I realize that being a new parent is very taxing, but whenever I'm not working, I'm doing everything I can to help out with chores and taking care of our son. I've even told her she can go off with her girl friends to scrapbooking days, shopping at the mall and getting her nails done ect, while I watch him. When I tell her how I'm feeling, she either gets very defensive and angry, or says she is sorry, but nothing changes.
> 
> I guess I'm feeling, neglected and lonely and like she loves our son WAY more than she does me, and the biggest reason she wants me around is because I provide for her... Will this EVER get better?


After reading this, it reminded me of when my first was born almost 19 years ago.



I just today, had a major breakthrough with my W and myself. This is something you need to remember. Be a caring, loving husband, but do not be a doormat. It might be hard to at first, but set your boundaries now. remember that you can only change you. If she cares, she will notice and mirror.

Never, ever, ever, ever apologize for being a man...Ever. Do not fall into the mediia portrayed stereotype of men ever. Yes, men are horndogs, but they are also (real men) great providers, husbands, fathers, brother and sons. I am proud to be a perv, but 100x more so to be a great husband and father. There's a line I love from the movie Predator "I ain't got time to bleed"
This, despite my yearly rants on message boards, is my mantra.





Remind yourself and your wife that she married you for YOU and who you are. My wife is not so great at housework, and I am a little slobby myself. Rule 1. Don't sweat the little crap. Rule 2. It's all basically little crap rule 3. refer to rule 1.


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## Mrs.G

Ten_year_hubby said:


> One of the lowest points in marital satisfaction for men is the period of time following the birth of their first child. Exceeded only by the period after the birth of the second.
> 
> If you want to have little copies of your dna running around you are going to have to pay the price


:iagree::iagree::iagree: No price paying for us! :lol:


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## CrystalPalace

New babies are tough. And they'll be tough on your relationship for some time. (My boys are now 8 and 10. The toughest time was when they were toddlers).

I read what seems like some pretty good words of advice somewhere--basically your first priority needs to be your marriage, or you will not be in a position to be good parents. Think of it like on the airplane when they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, so you are then able to assist others.

If I had it do do over I wouldn't leave my feelings unaddressed--even with a newborn. You might want to sit down with your wife and explain how you feel about your respective needs for a strong marriage--for the sake of the children as well as yourselves.

You're going to need patience during this very stressful time. Your baby will take up a *LOT* of her attention and caring. But you need to be assured she's committed to the marriage as well, and is willing to work at it at the same time. Make sure you make arrangements for somebody else to watch the baby while you steal time together.

The other thing that's amazing to me in reading through these forums while I'm going through my own issues is the fact that there are so many people with the same problems. You'd think somebody would recognize these patterns and write a book with helpful advice. Oh wait, they have! Seek this material out with your wife for best results.

Good luck.


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## Rob774

One of the very first posts i encourtered on this board many moons ago was a woman who said she catered to her husband first and foremost and to her children next. Her reasoning... if my husband becomes unhappy and resentful, than that can lead to breakdown and disaster of the entire family.

I was totally impressed with this.


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## Sanity

Rob774 said:


> One of the very first posts i encourtered on this board many moons ago was a woman who said she catered to her husband first and foremost and to her children next. Her reasoning... if my husband becomes unhappy and resentful, than that can lead to breakdown and disaster of the entire family.
> 
> I was totally impressed with this.


Sounds like a wise person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

Rob774 said:


> One of the very first posts i encourtered on this board many moons ago was a woman who said she catered to her husband first and foremost and to her children next. Her reasoning... if my husband becomes unhappy and resentful, than that can lead to breakdown and disaster of the entire family.
> 
> I was totally impressed with this.


That was a very wise woman.


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## Rob774

Sanity said:


> Sounds like a wise person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





AFEH said:


> That was a very wise woman.


Very wise indeed. I'm not trying to come off chauvinistic, but if some womoen did this, i think we all have happier marriages. That doesn't translate to "drop down and spread em" every time your man walks through the door. But it would be nice if some women didn't use sex as a weapon, or break us off so sparingly, its like a chore when we finally do get it. I don't know, i'm starting to vent i know, but i just feel that a happy hubby and can easily reciprocate and create a happy household.


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## SayNoTo Marriage

Vtecthis said:


> My wife and I have almost been married for 2 years. Recently I have been feeling more and more like she just wants me around for my paycheck. I make pretty good money, but am not rich by any means.
> 
> Before we got married, my wife was very sweet, kind, loving and affectionate. She used to tell me that she couldn't wait till we got married so she could take care of me and our home. (What kind of guy wouldn't love to hear those words!)
> 
> But, that never happened. From day one, she didn't do much of anything. We both worked full time jobs, and I did 90% of all the housework. We wanted to have kids and we both agreed that we wanted her to stay home to raise them. So I got a second job to allow her to stay home. Even still she didn't do much, and after we would talk about it (and argue sometimes) she would do better for a while then go back to not doing anything.
> 
> We now have a 4 month old BEAUTIFUL baby boy, who I am completely in love with!  However, I'm feeling pretty lonely.
> 
> The affection and intimacy has never been what I have wanted it to be, nor has it been what we talked about before marriage either. But now that our son is born, she gives love, attention, affection, patience, and kindness to him, yet I seem to get everything that is left over... Irritation, frustration, anger... She is not very kind anymore, except when she wants something, and intimacy is only once or twice a month at best.
> 
> I realize that being a new parent is very taxing, but whenever I'm not working, I'm doing everything I can to help out with chores and taking care of our son. I've even told her she can go off with her girl friends to scrapbooking days, shopping at the mall and getting her nails done ect, while I watch him. When I tell her how I'm feeling, she either gets very defensive and angry, or says she is sorry, but nothing changes.
> 
> I guess I'm feeling, neglected and lonely and like she loves our son WAY more than she does me, and the biggest reason she wants me around is because I provide for her... Will this EVER get better?


Get your sex on the side. It will only get worse. 36 years later and I am just a paycheck, treated like crap. Loveless, sexless marriage for years. I get my sex on the side. She knows but doesn't care. Having kids with her was a tragic mistake. I advise every single man I know not to ever consider marriage. It is misery.


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## DualvansMommy

I'm coming to this from another perspective; explain to your wife feelings and thoughts. Give her a time table as first baby is the hardest. Is your son sleeping through or waking up less ? I remember for the first year in my oldest sons life, I was feeling very very rough. And I'm the higher sexual being out of both of us in our home! But in that yearlong, I would have just been happy with once a month. 

I know it really sucks to get the brut of her moods, but could her lack of sleep be a factor? Do you guys have outside help from grandparents? Perhaps take them up on it so both of you can nap and "rest"? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil

Rob774 said:


> One of the very first posts i encourtered on this board many moons ago was a woman who said she catered to her husband first and foremost and to her children next. Her reasoning... if my husband becomes unhappy and resentful, than that can lead to breakdown and disaster of the entire family.
> 
> I was totally impressed with this.


I feel the same way as this woman. My husband comes first, ahead of everyone. Children are beautiful, and you should love them as much as humanly possible, and they should mean the world to their parents. But your spouse is the reason they are here at all.


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## Satya

Once I had kids, I was going to have this put on a plaque or made into a ridiculously huge refrigerator magnet:

I am a girl before a woman. 
I am a woman before a wife. 
I am a wife before a mother.

I find it vitally important to remember where you came from, to remember the things you learned in an earlier phase of life, because you carry these things forward. Life has a way of making them difficult to actively remember, sometimes. 

I might just get the first two done up... Third may be a little while yet.


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## Blondilocks

Zombie thread.


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