# MIL playing Favorites with Grandchildren



## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

My husband and I have two sons, ages 2 and 4. My husband's sister has two daughters, ages 2 and 5. For nearly five years, we have been dealing with a very painful issue involving my husband's parents behavior. In short, his parents play favorites with the grandkids. This has been extremely difficult because my husband has always been considered the "favorite" child of his mother, but in so many ways, she has rejected her "favorite son's" children. Examples of favoritism include watching the girls one day per week so her daughter and daughter's husband can work. My husband asked if she could help us on that day and she suggested we hire someone instead. My husband literally drives by her house to drop our kids off at daycare since the daycare is on her street. I have had the most difficulty with her ignoring our boys when the girls are around. She will only hold the girls and is just generally much more affectionate with them. When we visit with the boys, we will talk about what the boys are up to and she always injects the girls into the conversation. Recently, my husband took a day trip with his parents and our boys in an attempt to have them spend quality time together. My MIL quietly invited daughter's family. What was supposed to time spent with the boys turned into ignoring the boys because the granddaughters were around. I find it difficult to attend any family parties because it hurts me to see her only holding or playing with the girls. She is pleasant enough to me, but it all feels so phony. I have not handled the situation very well with my husband. I've been highly critical of her behavior and have attacked my husband over his inaction. He would rather keep the peace and go on with the way things are. He is hurt but he is not willing to discuss this hurt with his parents. I have started not attending family functions because I no longer feel emotionally safe in such an environment. I know this bothers my husband, but he will not protect me or my son's feelings, so I feel it's best to not go. My husband's birthday is coming up and as a tradition she always hosts her kid's birthday in her home. I would prefer to not go and to instead do something with just the four of us. Interestingly, she is very pleasant and kind to the boys when the girls are not present.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Ugh, unfortunately I have this on both sides, my mother, my aunt, my grandmother and MIL. The only thing that worked was to dismiss them from our lives because our child, even at a very young age, caught on to what was happening and it bothered him. 

Some people are just too destructive to have in you life, even if they are family


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I find it odd that you would want this person to watch your children, since you don't like her or what she is doing.

Now, not everyone is a good person in this world. Your husband accepted the benefits of being the favorite child, and never stood up for his sister....Now he is seeing the downside of it.

She is who she is, a person who operates by playing favorites. Getting her to be something different at this old age is a waste of your energy.

The question is, even though it hurts your feelings, is it destructive or harmful to you children? I'm not sure it is from what you describe. But, if you feel this is destructive or harmful to your children, then you need to keep your children protected from those who can harm them with or without your husband's agreement.

If it is just hurtful to you, and not destructive to your children (i.e in the big picture it is better for you children to have her in their lives), then bite your tounge and accept her as she is.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

I think it is destructive to my children. They always seem so defeated when they're around her when the girls are present. Am I being destructive by not attending family functions?


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

My grandparents on both sides favored my cousins over me and my siblings. Sometimes it hurt our feelings. But we got over it. Family is family. One thing that helped is that my parents didn't pretend like it wasn't happening. They talked about it with us and around us. They kvetched about it, even. We always knew our parents were on our side, at least. And we learned to deal with it. Our grandparents lost out. They had the opportunity to have a good relationship with us and they messed it up. And now, my paternal grandmother complains that I don't take my baby son to visit her. Well, I wonder why, grandma?

The thing is... you can't shield your kids from the unfairness of life and other people. Use it as a teaching moment, if you can. Maybe it's a good time to use it to build empathy in your children for others less fortunate than themselves. It can be a life lesson about the harmfulness of discrimination.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> I think it is distributive to my children. They always seem so defeated when they're around her when the girls are present. Am I being destructive by not attending family functions?


Keep in mind that it's good for your boys to have a good relationship with their cousins. You don't want to ruin that opportunity for them. With being so close in age, family functions can be a great time of fun for the cousins to play together.

Don't plant the seeds of resentment between the cousins. It's not the girls' fault that their grandma favors them.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think it is too hurtful to the children, who will definitely pick up on it. I think it would be better to avoid the MIL. The children will not feel rejected, and later on you can explain why you cut off contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> I find it odd that you would want this person to watch your children, since you don't like her or what she is doing.


I guess I just want her to become closer with my boys and since she watches the girls for free, we thought she'd also be willing to help us. Maybe a part of me felt the favoritism would become a non-issue if she watched our kids part of the day. But, her decision just emphasizes her favoritism, which makes me want to pull away even more.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Omego said:


> I think it is too hurtful to the children, who will definitely pick up on it. I think it would be better to avoid the MIL. The children will not feel rejected, and later on you can explain why you cut off contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband would never allow cutting off contact. As it is, he becomes furious when I bring up the issue. It's hurtful and he cannot handle any criticism of his mom. I have felt completely unsupported with this. He does not make waves. He's actually very passive-aggressive like his mother. This has been the only problem in our marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> I guess I just want her to become closer with my boys and since she watches the girls for free, we thought she'd also be willing to help us. Maybe a part of me felt the favoritism would become a non-issue if she watched our kids part of the day. But, her decision just emphasizes her favoritism, which makes me want to pull away even more.


You can't get her to be something she's not. Not going to happen.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> My husband would never allow cutting off contact. As it is, he becomes furious when I bring up the issue. It's hurtful and he cannot handle any criticism of his mom. I have felt completely unsupported with this. He does not make waves. He's actually very passive-aggressive like his mother. This has been the only problem in our marriage.


Here's what I think based on what hyou post, altough I could be wrong.

I think she is a flawed person and you are hurt becuase you love your boys and don't want to see this.

However, all factors considered, I don't think it's harmful to your children to have a grandmother who favors them less than other grandchildren. I think you are hurt, but your children are probably not being hurt too much, and they will have more to lose by you cutting off contact with the family than to gain by it. In fact, it can be a teaching moment to your children about right and wrong, favoratism, how people in this world are etc.

But, I still stand by the fact that if anyone's behavor is harmful or destructive to your children, they must be protected from it. And Mom's protect their kids... so you overrule your husband on it (if the harm factor is there).


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Here's what I think based on what hyou post, altough I could be wrong.
> 
> I think she is a flawed person and you are hurt becuase you love your boys and don't want to see this.
> 
> ...


I suppose you're right. I of course see it. It's obvious to me. Two other family members made comments about it to me as well. I just don't want my boys' self esteem impacted. These types of seeds are planted early. It's my hurt though. I remember when we told her I was expecting my second child. She was not happy. She kept saying we will "survive" this. We were happy to be pregnant! Then of course, she wanted to know right away if we told my husband's sister. I believe MIL was upset we were having a second child before her daughter was. She was extremely distant until she found out a month later her daughter was expecting. It was very sick and again my husband didn't stand up for me or our family. My other SIL (husband's brother's wife) told me she was disturbed by the manner in which my husband's mother told her we were expecting. Supposedly, she was very sad. But then I'm kissed on the cheek when we visit and everyone is supposed to act like a happy healthy family.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> You can't get her to be something she's not. Not going to happen.


So what should I do? Just accept it? I feel so uncomfortable at family parties when in-laws are there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your kids self esteem can easily be manged by you and your husband, by making his mother the defective, wrong person and making sure the kids realize it has nothing whatsoever to do with them personally.

Regarding "what to do", I would maintain a cordial but distant relationship with them to the point where their actions do not rise to a level of importance in your mind so what they do or don't do is of little consequence to you.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your kids self esteem can easily be manged by you and your husband, by making his mother the defective, wrong person and making sure the kids realize it has nothing whatsoever to do with them personally.
> 
> Regarding "what to do", I would maintain a cordial but distant relationship with them to the point where their actions do not rise to a level of importance in your mind so what they do or don't do is of little consequence to you.


Thank you. I pray I can do that. Seeing her eats me up inside. This occupies a lot of my thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> My husband would never allow cutting off contact. As it is, he becomes furious when I bring up the issue. It's hurtful and he cannot handle any criticism of his mom. I have felt completely unsupported with this. He does not make waves. He's actually very passive-aggressive like his mother. This has been the only problem in our marriage.


I have a feeling your mother in law is engaged in a covert war with you, and a weapon she is finding to be effective is using the grandchildren as pawns in her game.

I will wager she engages in other slights with you. It is somewhat common for the mother to perceive the wife of her favorite son as competition. 

A husband who chooses his mother over his wife will generally use the excuse that he doesn't want to "make waves" or choose sides. But he has chosen sides. The rule is that the wife comes first. 

Everyone knows what's going on and the failure to have it out in the open is a huge advantage for the mother in law. She is not accountable for it and the primary target (you) is blamed for trying to bring it up. 

In order of priorities, the husband is first. If he won't acknowledge what is going on and validate your feelings, then it is time for an ultimatum with consequences. Make sure that you focus clearly here. The point is not what your mother in law is doing. The point is the refusal of your husband to acknowledge your feelings and give you some empathy. 

No discussion. He either gives you that empathy or the hammer comes down with the consequences. You'll find that this breakthrough alone is going to pave the way for negotiating a strategy with MIL.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

I also would appreciate some help with regard to my husband. I feel unsupported because he won't confront his mother. He said something once and she just denied everything but did say she'd try to change. She didn't and here I am looking at my husband feeling angry and unprotected. the only reason he said anything a few years back is because a video showing my niece being aggressive and physical with my son was posted on Facebook by my other SIL. MIL told us that it wasn't her place to discipline her granddaughter even though she was the one who brought my son to her daughter's house where the video was recorded. She told us, "my daughter doesn't like me to tell her daughter no." It was a very bad period in our marriage as my husband just said the video wasn't that bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

My paternal grandmother refused to watch my brother and I even though I'm the first and oldest grandson and my brother the second oldest. My father loved his mother even when she would outright reject his children. 

One time my dad abandoned my mom and us to screw around with another woman. My mom begged grandma for help watching us so she could work. My grandmother said "that wasn't her problem". My mom was forced to get food stamps for a few months just to survive with us until multiple family members on my moms side "convinced" my dad to come back. Thankfully my mom was an amazing resourceful woman with great friends and family that helped during this time. She also made sure we didn't know what was going on. I only found out the full extend of this years after my fathers death. 

My grandmother died five years ago and one of my aunts asked me if I was going to attend the funeral and say something. I said, please take my condolences. I have nothing else to do with my fathers side of the family. 

My mothers side is different though. Warm loving people with drama but I care about many of them sans one uncle who is an ahole. 

In short, don't ever beg for a family members love. If they want to have a relationship with the kids great. Don't allow your kids to suffer the rejection. It can VERY hurtful. I don't hate my grandmother RIP. I am indifferent to it because my mom did not allow me to see her rejection. I thank my mom for that. Protect your kids.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> I also would appreciate some help with regard to my husband. I feel unsupported because he won't confront his mother. He said something once and she just denied everything but did say she'd try to change. She didn't and here I am looking at my husband feeling angry and unprotected. the only reason he said anything a few years back is because a video showing my niece being aggressive and physical with my son was posted on Facebook by my other SIL. MIL told us that it wasn't her place to discipline her granddaughter even though she was the one who brought my son to her daughter's house where the video was recorded. She told us, "my daughter doesn't like me to tell her daughter no." It was a very bad period in our marriage as my husband just said the video wasn't that bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Do not confront your MIL about this. You will not get genuine love for your kids. The sad fact is some grandparents do this crap and yes, love some grandkids more than others. If they want to do this then the consequences will be a much more limited relationship. Don't play head games but do not beg for love or favors from your MIL and work with what you got. Remember the door swings both ways.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Everyone knows what's going on and the failure to have it out in the open is a huge advantage for the mother in law. She is not accountable for it and the primary target (you) is blamed for trying to bring it up.
> 
> In order of priorities, the husband is first. If he won't acknowledge what is going on and validate your feelings, then it is time for an ultimatum with consequences. Make sure that you focus clearly here. The point is not what your mother in law is doing. The point is the refusal of your husband to acknowledge your feelings and give you some empathy.
> 
> No discussion. He either gives you that empathy or the hammer comes down with the consequences. You'll find that this breakthrough alone is going to pave the way for negotiating a strategy with MIL.


Totally agree with this. She would prefer it not to be out in open, and because this is the case, I feel inclined to just blow the door open, let it be known I'm fully aware of what she's doing. Not doing this I feel will continue her negative behavior. I already confronted he once and she flat out denied it. Our relationship has been very awkward since then. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I believe she is afraid of her daughter, which is part of the reason she bends over backwards for her.

What should the consequences with my husband be? Either he has empathy for me or what?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> I feel inclined to just blow the door open, let it be known I'm fully aware of what she's doing.


Wonderful. This is the first-best strategy. My wife and I always discuss strategy about the kids together before making our play on big-picture issues like this. Protocol dictates telling the husband you want to discuss strategy, but it sounds like he is going to try cowing you with inappropriate anger.

Inappropriate anger is a manipulative strategy to shut people up and if he does this then calmly tell him that anger is not going to work and that if he doesn't discuss it with you then you are going to put the white heat of truth on this instead of being bullied.

Humor and light-heartedness is much better in your approach to all of them. If you approach it in dark, bitter terms then people will use that against you. So if you can joke around with it like "there she goes again boys, showing how jealous she is of you..." when she is showing favoritism, that is much better than saying something angry.

One thing to keep in mind that will help a great deal. She wants you to be angry. Before you ever interact with her, prepare mentally. Because when manipulative people trip your triggers without you doing this, they get you angry and you are always at a disadvantage. They can keep amping it up once they have you on the run like that.

But if you are ready for it, and know they WANT you angry, then it makes you smile instead. Because you're on to them. You can even say something pleasant like "we don't mind if you show favorites here - it's your house." 

Convince yourself: she wants you angry. Commit yourself to not letting it work.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Wonderful. This is the first-best strategy. My wife and I always discuss strategy about the kids together before making our play on big-picture issues like this. Protocol dictates telling the husband you want to discuss strategy, but it sounds like he is going to try cowing you with inappropriate anger.
> 
> Inappropriate anger is a manipulative strategy to shut people up and if he does this then calmly tell him that anger is not going to work and that if he doesn't discuss it with you then you are going to put the white heat of truth on this instead of being bullied.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

I live this advise. However, it's very difficult to put a smile on my face when I see her only holding or talking to her granddaughters.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sarah,
I think this is not an uncommon problem but yours is certainly more exaggerated. Fortunately my kids have great grandparents on both sides. This does not mean my kids have not been slighted by both sets over the years. It really does not take much to be honest. I was surprised (and not at the same time) when my youngest confided in me how she resented that my Dad puts down her musical talent "because she only plays the guitar". Though not a major slight it does not matter. I was the recipient of such slights when I was a kid.

I love my parents and my in laws but have learned over time from them that it does not take much to tear down a child's self esteem. Your MIL's actions are disgraceful and I would cease letting your kids have contact with your MIL. Not out of malice but out of concern and protection for your boy's emotional well being. Let your husband know you will not be attending his family events until he can man up and be someone you can respect.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Thank you for this. It really was eye opening. My goal is do what you say, but instinctually I'm driven to want to make her cry. I have never been faces with such a manipulative person that truly is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her daughter is the same way. She threw a birthday party for my husband on the one day I wasn't available due to a college class. She told my husband it was just be dinner but it really was a birthday party with 20 people. My husband would say well you should be happy they had a party for me. It was nice. It was but why have it on the one day I couldn't make it. You see the manipulation? It could easily be said, how could you be mad about a birthday party we had for your husband? I can't win. Master manipulators.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> why have it on the one day I couldn't make it.


Here is another tip: Manipulative people don't make plays in single-shot volleys. They prepare clips of ammunition to fire off rat-a-tat-tat. The first shot is often just a set-up for the second shot, and it may be the fourth or fifth one that is their reall kill shot.

In this case, setting up the birthday party gets you to complain about doing it on a day you can't come. Shot two your husband fired off for them: that you should be grateful they threw a party for him. Guilt-tripping.

You feel the unfairness of that comment, but can't quite put your finger on it because you are too busy using your own conscience to analyze it. Sure, people should be grateful for birthday parties. :scratchhead: It's the guilt-tripping that is a dirty emotional attack, but they've got you fooled by second-guessing yourself instead of watching the puppet-master. 

If you are still upset they are going to call you immature or unreasonable or any other type of emotional attack, and ideally get you to blow your stack so they can point at you and say look how crazy you are.

The way a manipulative person looks at planning is to set up the party, be ready to play the "you should be grateful" card, the "look how angry you are" card, etc. rat-a-tat-tat.

That is why it is so critically important to watch your own emotions like a hawk. When you start to feel anger, instantly say to yourself "she wants me to be angry". If you start to feel guilty, say "she wants me to feel guilty". Etc. I actually say this out loud. That stops the train from gathering steam, and puts the spotlight where it belongs: on their behavior instead of yours. 

You have little appreciation for how much experience they have with this, including the ability to turn on a dime and start laying down the false flattery on you too. 

You mentioned Wolves in Sheeps clothing. Great book by exactly that name "In Sheep's Clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". Go read that and you won't be able to put it down.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Your mother in law doesn't like you because you aren't good enough for her favorite child. He was probably a mama's boy and I wouldn't be shocked if she's heard about the times you've "attacked" him on other issues. Also if she only had sons then you aren't going to win against those granddaughters.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Thank you for this. It really was eye opening. My goal is do what you say, but instinctually I'm driven to want to make her cry. I have never been faces with such a manipulative person that truly is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Her daughter is the same way. She threw a birthday party for my husband on the one day I wasn't available due to a college class. She told my husband it was just be dinner but it really was a birthday party with 20 people. My husband would say well you should be happy they had a party for me. It was nice. It was but why have it on the one day I couldn't make it. You see the manipulation? It could easily be said, how could you be mad about a birthday party we had for your husband? I can't win. Master manipulators.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand completely because it is completely natural that you want to protect your kids and lash out at those the injure them in any fashion.

I suggest you fight every urge to "get back" at her. Quietly go about your life without her or your husbands family in it. Let your husband know you have lost respect for him as a husband and a father and suggest to him he think about that long and hard. 

Do not engage your husbands family at all. Not until sincere apologies and attempts are made, by them, to reconcile the situation. You need to move on with your life and protect your kids.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I know that your husband wants to keep the peace, but really this behavior is so childish. If I had children, there is no way I would keep my mouth shut about this. That said, I would not cut off contact. Other people mentioned using this as a chance to teach your kids how life is unfair. It sucks that this is from their family, but that is life. Just be open with your kids. And if your husband becomes defensive, tell him what you feel. That is clearly choosing his mother over you and the kids. Remind him that the kids need your support more than anything when this behavior occurs.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Every time I have to deal with my in-laws, I'm grateful we never had children.
Just thinking about my in-laws used to get me upset, so I've learned to focus that energy back & turn it around.
Being around them takes every once of energy I have to stay focused & not let my guard down.
It's taken years to learn this, but it works, because just as Wiseforit posted, manipulative people look to push your buttons in order to get you to react in the exact manner they planned.

You've got to come up with a better offense, which could be something as simple as keeping your children busy doing other things besides spending time with your toxic in-laws.
Cultivate friendships with other families, you can create the atmosphere you want your children to be a part of, you can control when & who they spend time with.
Tell your husband this is what you want for the kids, if he has a problem with it, simply point out you're ensuring your kids are not hurt by their gm's behavior.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Well, we talked about his birthday. I suggested the four of us (us and 2 kids) should do something, no need for in-laws. He was on board until 20 minutes ago, deciding instead it'd be best to go to his parent's house. I told him no and he said he'd just bring the kids. We are not at all united on the behavior of his mother. He thinks I'm overreacting. he said even bringing it up is causing more damage to our kids than any damage his mother ever could. I'm basically screwed because he doesn't back me. I'm crazy, I'm stressed, I'm tired. I'm anything but right about his mother. His mother usually watches the granddaughters on Wednesday. Because they knew my husband would ask for help with our boys, they changed her day to Thursday. She also said it'll be much more limited starting in September but my husband even said the other night her response was rehearsed and that he didn't believe her. He said he knows it'll be every Thursday. Our boys will be sent to daycare.

When he dismisses me, I end up getting so angry and I start calling his mom every name in the book. He just will not get on board with me. So, now he's left. He might be spending the night at his parents house. I'm married to a momma's boy who will never be united with me. I'm on the road to divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Well, we talked about his birthday. I suggested the four of us (us and 2 kids) should do something, no need for in-laws. He was on board until 20 minutes ago, deciding instead it'd be best to go to his parent's house.


The roller coaster. Great.  This can really break you mentally. Forget about the mother-in-law again and focus in on this being abusive behavior by your husband. 




> He thinks I'm overreacting. he said even bringing it up is causing more damage to our kids than any damage his mother ever could.


The damage is teaching the boys how to work with an outside party to beat down the wife. So the question is are they going to learn that this is a great power trip on the wife, or are they going to learn that failing to put the wife first will cost them a wife. 




> I'm on the road to divorce.


You asked earlier about what the ultimatum needed to be, and I hesitated to suggest separation without knowing more. But if you are on that road then keep the focus narrow, not on the mother in law so much but on the husband's invalidation of you and crazy-making.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> We are not at all united on the behavior of his mother. He thinks I'm overreacting. he said even bringing it up is causing more damage to our kids than any damage his mother ever could. I'm basically screwed because he doesn't back me. I'm crazy, I'm stressed, I'm tired. I'm anything but right about his mother.



I sympathize with how frustrating this must be to go through. It's even frustrating to read! 

Part of the frustration is that this whole thing is he said/she said. I have to consider what if your husband is right? What if you are overreacting and your MIL doesn't really treat her grandchildren any differently? What if you are cherrypicking the things you want to see? I am guessing that if your husband wrote to TAM, the story would sound very different. He can't have your back and support you if he sincerely doesn't see the situation the same way you do. 

However, assuming you are right about all this, I would limit her time with the children but not cut her off. I would also bypass the middleman, your husband, entirely, and outright tell your MIL about how upset you are and why. Then cut her off personally. Just be *very certain *that you are correct before you go this far.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Kobo said:


> Your mother in law doesn't like you because you aren't good enough for her favorite child. He was probably a mama's boy and I wouldn't be shocked if she's heard about the times you've "attacked" him on other issues. Also if she only had sons then you aren't going to win against those granddaughters.


This is pretty much it. 

She doted on her son. He was her favorite. You took him away, you took his attention away. She was living her life through his actions and inactions, her happiness was in interacting with him, in cooking for him, in being there when he got hurt. But then you came and you were the one he turned to. You were the one he spent time with. You were the one he married. In one fell swoop, you hurt her to her core. She cant be bad to you directly, so she puts on a brave face when you come to meet. She gives you a kiss on your cheek thinking what a biyotch you are. It is very difficult for her. She is dying inside. And your kids. Fruits of a poisoned tree. Thats what they are. Doesnt matter that they are her son's kids. They are YOUR kids. Kids of the biyotch. Kids of the demon who stole her son. No way she can love them. Sometimes she feels something and wants to hold them, after all, they are just kids, what have they done to her; but then she remembers your face and ..... 

...and you know the rest.

Look, this is how some maladjusted in-laws react when their favorite has his or her attention taken away by their new spouse. Many of these in-laws outgrow the jealousy. Many don't. In those cases, nothing works. External intervention doesnt work for long either. If you have someone speak to her, things will be better for a week, then back to abnormal. She has to overcome her own demons. You cant do it for her.

You are getting good advice here. You decide where to draw the line. LISTEN to your kids. Don't ask them immediately after you come back from the grandparents @ how the trip was and how they feel. Do it 2 days later when they are drawing or coloring or doing something they like. You WILL hear what they really feel. Don't ask leading questions - i.e. don't ask specific questions about whether they liked something that granny did or didn't do. Kids will give you answers they think you want to hear. So ask them general questions - ask them what they liked best about their visit, ask them if anything made them sad and if so, what made them sad. Then read between the lines and figure out if this is really impacting them.

If it is, cut your visits to the bare minimum. Instead host the girls at your place directly without involving the grandparents. Do sleepovers on the weekends. That way you will keep the cousins together without granny poisoning the atmosphere.

Best of luck.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Reading through this thread it sounds like the husband is almost as big of a problem as the MIL. His family is hurting because he's not man enough to stand up to his mommy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

We had a similar problem with our 2nd daughter - both Grandmothers favored the 1st daughter & we each went to our own Mothers & set them straight.

My advice is to stop let this situation bother you. Your boys will be fine as long as you stop making it a "problem." Go with the flow. My Grandmother had 23 grandchildren & of course there were her "favorites" but it didn't bother us at all as long as we got "some" attention.

As long as your MIL is not being rude, nasty, disrespectful, etc. to your children, let it all go.

Learn to accept people as they are; your life will be easier.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

My husband slept at his parent's house last night. She texted me saying she wants to talk to tell me how wrong I am. Looking forward to it. I hope something good comes out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> My husband slept at his parent's house last night. She texted me saying she wants to talk to tell me how wrong I am. Looking forward to it. I hope something good comes out of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her pleasantly thanks, but no thanks, that any marital conversations will be between you and your husband. End of discussion with her.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Reading through this thread it sounds like the husband is almost as big of a problem as the MIL. His family is hurting because he's not man enough to stand up to his mommy.


I think the husband is definitely the problem here. There wouldn't be much of an issue with the MIL if the husband put his wife's feelings and concerns first. 

They could negotiate strategies on how to deal with the MIL if they were on the same page. However, since the husband doesn't acknowledge his wife's concerns or prioritize her, the wife is left on her own.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> The roller coaster. Great.  This can really break you mentally. Forget about the mother-in-law again and focus in on this being abusive behavior by your husband.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I 100% agree with this post. Maybe 200%.

OP, have you heard the saying, "You train people how to treat you"?

Your husband left the home and actually has his mother- who he KNOWS is the cause of very bad feelings on your part- trying to run interference.

If you allow this, you are training your DH (and his family) to run rough-shed over you and your feelings.

Train him and his family differently.

Do NOT accept a call with the MIL.

Do NOT let your DH back without a very serious discussion of what is going on. 

DO train him that there will be consequences if this continues.

At a minimum, there needs to be an acknowledgement that there is a problem. The problem is NOT that you are "overreacting" or "causing more problems." The problem is that the way his mother behaves towards your children is painful for YOU, and being your husband, this is a problem that BOTH of you need to work with to resolve.

Your DH doesn't have to agree that something is painful- his mom's behavior doesn't appear to be painful to him. However, if he wants to be a good husband and partner, he will acknowledge that the behavior is painful to you and work to remove that pain. 

This is a very basic tenet of a good relationship: each partner cares about the other person's pain. They will not engage in behaviors that hurt the other person.

When your husband returns, I recommend that you very clearly communicate that you need him to help you resolve this issue with your MIL. That you need your husband to hear your concern, acknowledge that it IS a problem for you, and commit to finding ways to resolve it. In turn, you will hear his concern, acknowledge it, and commit to find ways to resolve it TOGETHER.

Let him know that he is failing you as a husband who puts his wife first and who cares for her pain and concerns. He needs to step up.

There are all sorts of ways and processes to step up, including more discussion, acknowledgement, and brainstorming, to reading up on marriage books/forums (I personally am a big fan of Marriage Builders, but only the main website, books, and radio and NOT the rabid forums), to marriage counseling, to separation. 

Hopefully this is able to be resolved. However, I think it is fair to let your husband know that "failure to put the wife first will result in loss of the wife". 

Notice that there is very little here about the MIL- she is just the vehicle for the lesson. This is actually ALL about you and your DH. 

If you can resolve this you will be setting up a working relationship that will help you both in your marriage. I hope it works out that way for you!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Rose is spot on. I will also tell you that if you meet your MIL I believe that you will accomplish nothing other than escalating the negative nature of your relationship. She is not coming to you to ask for forgiveness she is coming to set you straight.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

sarahkj2009 said:


> My husband slept at his parent's house last night. She texted me saying she wants to talk to tell me how wrong I am. Looking forward to it. I hope something good comes out of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like I said, mama's boy.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Well, I tried to discuss the favoritism issue and she wouldn't talk about it. She said my husband should be present and left me hanging by saying we'd get together but she and her husband left town and stayed at their beach house. Always a manipulator, she said, "I'm not sure about our plans for later on." Of course, she knew she was going to leave town. The truth hurts and she didn't want to engage. My husband packed his bags and brought pretty much everything he owns to his parent's house. He informed me he'll be staying there until further notice. He wants to visit our kids on the weekends. I suppose he wants to be with his parents more than he wants to be with his wife. I can't really blame him. I've said some horribly vile things about his family while angry. It really is an inside job for me. Do I want my marriage to break up over favoritism? She is kind to my kids when she sees them. She just goes crazy for the granddaughters.

I remember when my first son was baptized. We were trying to take the classic picture of the grandparents with the baptized son in front on the church. She wouldn't put down her granddaughter, so the picture we have is my son and the grandparents with my MIL's arm cut out of the picture. This is ridiculous stuff that should make me laugh, not break up my marriage. 

I've taken this issue too far. My husband will not support me. He is extremely defensive. He loves his family and will not budge an inch. In the end, I want my sons to grow up with an intact family. And, me? Well, I'm getting back on Zoloft tomorrow.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I think you might just have to accept the fact that she is not going to love her grandchildren equally or at least isn't willing to show them equal amounts of love. Honestly if I were in your shoes I'd just keep my distance from them. Eventually your kids will be grown and if your grandma keeps that kind of crap up, they'll get the hint even if they won't understand why. The best thing you can do is make sure that you give your kids the best parenting you can and make sure they have a good set of friends/schoolmates they can be involved with.

As far as any relations with your husbands side of the family, I'd keep contact to a minimum. It's obvious that he prioritizes their wants, whims, and desires over yours. And it seems they don't care much for you, or at least his parents don't. I would however stop badmouthing them as that won't accomplish anything except build up resentment towards you on his part. And that CAN directly hurt your family.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Well, I tried to discuss the favoritism issue and she wouldn't talk about it. She said my husband should be present and left me hanging by saying we'd get together but she and her husband left town and stayed at their beach house. Always a manipulator, she said, "I'm not sure about our plans for later on." Of course, she knew she was going to leave town. The truth hurts and she didn't want to engage. My husband packed his bags and brought pretty much everything he owns to his parent's house. He informed me he'll be staying there until further notice. He wants to visit our kids on the weekends. I suppose he wants to be with his parents more than he wants to be with his wife. I can't really blame him. I've said some horribly vile things about his family while angry. It really is an inside job for me. Do I want my marriage to break up over favoritism? She is kind to my kids when she sees them. She just goes crazy for the granddaughters.
> 
> I remember when my first son was baptized. We were trying to take the classic picture of the grandparents with the baptized son in front on the church. She wouldn't put down her granddaughter, so the picture we have is my son and the grandparents with my MIL's arm cut out of the picture. This is ridiculous stuff that should make me laugh, not break up my marriage.
> 
> I've taken this issue too far. My husband will not support me. He is extremely defensive. He loves his family and will not budge an inch. In the end, I want my sons to grow up with an intact family. And, me? Well, I'm getting back on Zoloft tomorrow.


I'm surprised by your attitude. Your husband, the one person on earth who is supposed to choose you over all others, has chosen his parents over not just you, he's chosen them over his children too. And you're going to drug yourself to be able to stand being with this guy?

Your kids are going to learn from this kind of upbringing. They're not going to learn anything you would want them to learn, but they're going to learn. And you're going to be complicit in that.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

I have to be complicit. I will keep my distance from his family, there's no doubt about that. He actually is with is sister right now. She's as bad as my MIL. I let him take the kids out. Like his mother told me last night, he said he wasn't sure what he'd be doing with the kids, but I'm certain he knew all along that he'd be getting together with his sister and her children. I need to just accept this and move on. He will not admit there's favoritism. We're happy for the most part. If I can let go of this, we'll be ok.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> I have to be complicit. I will keep my distance from his family, there's no doubt about that. He actually is with is sister right now. She's as bad as my MIL. I let him take the kids out. Like his mother told me last night, he said he wasn't sure what he'd be doing with the kids, but I'm certain he knew all along that he'd be getting together with his sister and her children. I need to just accept this and move on. He will not admit there's favoritism. We're happy for the most part. If I can let go of this, we'll be ok.


You have to be complicit in damaging your children? Why?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> You have to be complicit in damaging your children? Why?


He is choosing to marry his mother this is disgusting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

tom67 said:


> He is choosing to marry his mother this is disgusting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And apparently his sister too since since that's who he ran to with our boys when he took them out. It all is very sick. The sister being with him while his mom is at the beach. Of course they have spoken about what's gone on. Look, I don't think divorce is the best answer for in-law problems. I will create space although I know he'll fight that since he always has to attend every family function. Where did we go for Father's Day? To his sisters of course who had a BBQ/fathers day party. His family generally likes to be together a lot. Even Valentine's day. The granddaughter's "hosted" a VDay party. We got out of going to that because I would have absolutely nothing to do with it, but he was pissed off. I love my husband. He's wonderful in many ways. He has a bizarre connection to his family. But, the good outweighs the bad here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Also, I have been horrible with name calling. I have called his mom every name in the book from fat to he cruelest of ethnic slurs. I also said his sister had a child with a syndrome because she's a fat pig and only ate Wendy's when she was pregnant. I need to take some inventory of my own. My words have hurt him. I have only ever said those things because of their actions, but still I said them and they were ugly, ugly things to say.I have been acting like a crazy person. If I don't give up this fight I will seriously need to commit myself to a mental hospital. Acceptance is the key here. She's not bad to mg kids. She's just better and more connected to her daughter's kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Could you share with us what the good is that outweighs the damage this relationship is going to do to your kids?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My mother told my brother straight to his face her daughters children will always get more help and attention cause it's different for sons and daughters. 
End result my brother cut my mother out of his and his children's life the past 6 years.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Could you share with us what the good is that outweighs the damage this relationship is going to do to your kids?


You believe she will damage them? I don't think that'll happen. My MIL is never cruel to them. She doesn't insult them or put them down. She just spends a lot more time with her granddaughters, my husband has agreed to allow us to cut down on the number of family parties we attend. I'm also going to request that the boys spend time alone with their grandmother, without the girls in order to guarantee their feeling are not hurt by the displays of favoritism. I think I am the one who has the problem. Boys have never said anything to me about it.

I have created such a riff between myself and in-laws. I'm in this alone since I know my husband stands with them. Sad but true.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> You believe she will damage them? I don't think that'll happen. My MIL is never cruel to them. She doesn't insult them or put them down. She just spends a lot more time with her granddaughters, my husband has agreed to allow us to cut down on the number of family parties we attend. I'm also going to request that the boys spend time alone with their grandmother, without the girls in order to guarantee their feeling are not hurt by the displays of favoritism. I think I am the one who has the problem. Boys have never said anything to me about it.
> 
> I have created such a riff between myself and in-laws. I'm in this alone since I know my husband stands with them. Sad but true.


I don't see your MIL as the problem. Your "husband" is the problem. Your "husband" abandoned his wife and children because he places his mother higher in his priority list. Your kids may be too young to understand that right now but they're going to grow up, and if he's this blatant about it now and _you let him get away with it_ he's going to continue.

He escalated and you're backing down. He knows now that he can walk all over you and you won't stand up to him, which means that his mother can walk all over you also. 

My suggestion to you is to call his bluff. Even if you're not actually strong enough to leave, he needs to think you are or you're doomed to having his mother wiping her feet on you for the rest of your time together.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Well, I figure she's 62. She only has 20 more years. Lol. My husband is a mama's boy. He is more connected to his family than me. We're starting marriage counseling. My hope is he'll see this more through therapy. Maybe I should try being nicer to my husband. Maybe the he'll be on my side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Also, I have been horrible with name calling. I have called his mom every name in the book from fat to he cruelest of ethnic slurs. I also said his sister had a child with a syndrome because she's a fat pig and only ate Wendy's when she was pregnant. I need to take some inventory of my own. My words have hurt him. I have only ever said those things because of their actions, but still I said them and they were ugly, ugly things to say.I have been acting like a crazy person. If I don't give up this fight I will seriously need to commit myself to a mental hospital. Acceptance is the key here. She's not bad to mg kids. She's just better and more connected to her daughter's kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You calling his mother ethnic slurs, attacking his sister for her special needs child...I can see why he would leave the house. It sounds like a very unpleasant situation at your home. You need to clean up your side of the street too, though I still think he needs to draw boundaries with his mother and develop more of a backbone.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Sarah, that was sad to read. But remember, love by force, it can't be. If your MIL doesn't really like you, and /or doesn't love her grandsons, or doesn't love them as much as her grand daughters,then these are her feelings. Whatever you do can't change that. Whatever your husband says can't change that, even if he does stand up and calls him mom on it. He can't force her to feel differently. At most, she can put on an act, pretending she loves the grandsons the same as the girls. But kids will know. They're sensitive little animals, they will pick up the vibe. Probably they wouldn't be able to put a finger on it. But they would certainly know the affection is not sincere.

So, don't break up your marriage just because your husband didn't do anything about it. It is not anything to be done. He can't change her feelings. He can force her to be nicer, but it would be fake, so what's the point...
I agree it sux, and it's hurtful. But I don't think cutting her off completely would protect your kids feelings. The world is not a fair place. Soon they will go to school. The teachers may play favorites will other children. What are you going to do about that? Their friends may prefer other friends more. You won't be able to protect them against the injustices of life.

What you can do is teach them to love themselves. Teach them how to build a healthy self-esteem regardless of what others say or think of them. Teach them not to depend on anyone's approval to feel good about themselves. It's only with this you can help.
You can also ask the boys if they like going to grandma's. Ask them if they would rather go, or prefer to stay home. There you have your answer. If the kids are not happy, then don't send them there anymore. If they choose to go, it's not all that bad for them.

If your marriage is satisfactory otherwise, I'd get over it. Explain to your husband that you prefer having less contact with your MIL because the way she acts hurts your feelings. Stop trying to change the way she feels. Stop calling names. Just acknowledge the way you feel, and your choice to limit contact. He can go there as he pleases, but this is your choice. On a calm voice, no yelling, reach to a compromise.

Keep in your mind that you can't change others. You can only change how you react to them.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

So you have to medicate yourself to deal with your M :scratchhead: that's not healthy. Going to MC is a step in the right direction but it might not change things. It may help him to understand where you're coming from and how to manage things better. Most likely MC will tell you to limit your relationship with them but let the H and child still interact. 

Don't ask them to babysit and only allow your child to be with them when your H is there, you stay away. Unless your son gets injured while at their home there's not much you can do. As your son gets older, things will change. He will start questioning why mom doesn't visit with that side of the family and he will notice the favoritism going on. If he's bothered by it, he will eventually stop going over there and then you can let him tell your H why. 

Here's a true story:
We don't see my MIL and have limited visits with his sisters and their families. The youngest SIL lives in the same town as mother and her own in-laws live a block away. The other sister lives about an hour away and the oldest moved across the county to get away from her mother. We live just over the boarder in another state...not far enough. Well needless to say, MIL adores her youngest daughter and her 3 kids but favors the twin girls over the boy she even favors one of the girls over the other. With both sets of grandparents living so close the kids are of course spoiled but it goes far beyond that...my MIL is in competition with the other GP over who's the better/best grandparent. She works for a local newspaper as a writer and some how almost always finds a way to include these 3 grand kids in the story or at least a photo...and has been doing this for years. 

This past year the girls, who are 8 or 9 I think, had grandparents day at school. They had to write an essay about their favorite grandparent and why. They had also been chosen to read the essay in front of the entire class/school. The other grandmother couldn't attend because she had to work...she's a teacher by the way...but my MIL showed up in her reporter fashion expecting to hear what an awesome grandparent/person she is in general. After all, she already knows how great she is and everyone that lives in the town she's lived in for the past 40 years knows this too, but she can't hear it enough. 

As the girls started reading and she realized that they had written about the other grandmother as being their favorite:rofl: Since then, MIL has all but abandoned putting/using them in her stories


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Also, I have been horrible with name calling.
> 
> I have called his mom every name in the book from fat to he cruelest of ethnic slurs.
> 
> ...


Holy smokes, girl! 

That is some seriously terrible behavior on your part.

It doesn't matter what their actions were, there is no excuse for treating your In-Laws like that. Calling them ethnic slurs, fat.

You actually told your SIL that her *child has medical problems because she is a "fat pig" and ate at Wendy's when she was pregnant?!?!?* 

Wow. Just....wow. 

Honestly. It is amazing they allow you into their house or around them at all.

No wonder your MIL is "better and more connected" to your SIL's kids. I'll bet it is MUCH more pleasant and loving for your MIL to be around her daughter and granddaughters.

If you said even a fraction of what you've put in the post above to me or my Mom, or my sister, I wouldn't trust you at all. I would not want to be around you. I would certainly have distance between you and your kids, because I would be wondering that is going to come out of your mouth regardless of what I did or didn't do with the kids (too affectionate, not affectionate enough, didn't buy enough, am trying to buy their love, etc.)

Ideally your husband would have stood up for you in their presence, but then would have been very honest with you that your behavior is 100% unacceptable. 

If your goal is to have a happy, healthy family, then your behavior IS 100% unacceptable.

You keep putting your focus on your MIL, your SIL, your husband, but that will not bring you peace in your life. Your focus needs to be on YOU and the BIG role that you are playing in bringing discord and separation into your family.

I am not saying that you are all to blame, but I AM saying that your words and actions have created a lot of harm. 

I am glad that you are taking inventory. MC is a good start, but honestly, IC and anger management for you are probably better starting points. At the very least pick up Lovebusters and see if any of it rings true for you.

Ideally your husband would stand up for you, and prioritize you. However, given your behavior above, I suspect instead you are really more of a terror and that it is not enjoyable for him to be around you. Thus his willingness to separate. 

If you do start IC and MC, hopefully you guys can both get on the same page and start to heal your relationships. 

Hang in there and try to keep your chin up. Right now, your actions are very immature. You have some growing up to do, as we all do early on (and for some of us even much later on! Never-ending!). 

In the best marriages, we learn how to be better people. This is a great opportunity for you to become a better person, a more mature person. Hopefully you and your husband both become better people and better spouses for each other!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sarahkj2009,

You talk about how the imbalance of MIL's love for your boys is hurting them. Have you ever wondered how your actions have been hurting them? It sounds like you talk about MIL's lack of love for them right in front of the children. Then you yell at your husband and say horrid things about his mother, sister and the family.

How long have you been on Zoloft and why did you start? Did you start on it because of other things?

When something not so good is going on, like this issue with your MIL, use it as a teaching opportunity with your children. Apparently they need to learn how to handle difficult family situations. Stop the arguing, yelling and making it all about you. And make it about teaching your children how to handle this.. but you need to learn how to first.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Sarah,
I know what you are feeling. Let's step back a bit and be strategic:
1) this problem with your MIL is impacting your marriage and becoming an obsession
2) your MIL wants this. She wants you to breakdown and lose your husband and kids. She is your enemy. I know it's hard to accept but there it is.
3) if you continue to fight this way, you will lose

Strategy:
1) tell your husband you really regret the mean things you said but that you felt hurt and rejected.
2) suggest that it may be better in the short term that he sees his family with your kids without you 
3) plan some fun activities with him

Your MIL will realize that there is less tension between you and her son and this will drive her insane. However, she won't be able to say or do anything against you because you won't have been in contact with her. Be patient. In time, she will do or say something that will reveal to your husband her true feelings towards you. And I believe he will become indignant, based on the way you describe his character. He may be a mommy's boy but he does not seem unintelligent.

I think you are right to resort to medication to get you through this difficult time. With luck, it will not last. 
Divorce is not the answer. I know how difficult it is, but you are going to have to back off or you will lose.

Please keep us posted. I am so frustrated for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

RoseAglow said:


> Holy smokes, girl!
> 
> That is some seriously terrible behavior on your part.
> 
> ...


Hold on, you didn't comprehend. I didn't say those things to my SIL, I said those things to my husband. I was desperate to get a reaction from him re: the favoritism. Very low on my part, but he is impenetrable. I felt like a caged animal in their and his presence with the blatant favoritism.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Hold on, you didn't comprehend. I didn't say those things to my SIL, I said those things to my husband. I was desperate to get a reaction from him re: the favoritism. Very low on my part, but he is impenetrable. I felt like a caged animal in their and his presence with the blatant favoritism.


You have been making this all about you. You will not win handling this way.

It's crazy to keep doing the same thing and to expect different results.

I think that you would benefit from going to a counselor and finding a better way to handle the situation. Right now you are on the verge of losing your husband and your children 50% of the time.


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