# need advice



## seeker_ (Aug 25, 2015)

I married my boyfriend of three years who had major depression.He was on medication and lost his job 2 months after marriage.. We have been married two years and he tells he no longer has depression. My problem is from the day of the start of my relationship its all about his health condition. all of a sudden he used to tell he became cured due to some random medicine but the depression used to come back.i always used to be scared of the day the depression will come back. after marriage we didnt had sex for the initial 1 year (as he faced ED due to medication), no honeymoon.I think he never had a sex drive. now i dont want to have sex with him and masturbate. i think he is a weak person for whom sex doesnt matter and i dont feel any paasion with him. i think he also doesnt show passion. twice a week he tries to initiate sex like a routine but after i say no he doesnt pursue. he is still searching for a job and i have been taking care of the household from the last two years.we have no kids. there is a lot of bitterness and i blame him for all of this.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

So what advice do you want? Sounds like you've pretty much pinned all your problems on the guy.

You're mad at him for not pursuing you after you turn him down? I'd give him a gold star for even trying to initiate twice a week for someone who always turns him down.

Do you want to end your marriage or fix it? If you want to fix it, you're going to have to make a major attitude shift.


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## seeker_ (Aug 25, 2015)

thanks for ur reply but i have faced the rejection from the past one year nd the point is that he takes sex as duty. i hv asked him many times do he feels sexual desire and he tells yes. i am not able to figure out whether he is telling the truth or just pretending. nyways the passion is dead nd there is only bitterness from my side.just wanted to know from people who are married will a marriage without passion work


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Short answer is "no".

More complicated answer is that passion can be rekindled, but only if both people are on board, and not while resentment is poisoning you both.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Regardless of what you choose to do--divorce or stay--you HAVE to let go of resentment. You'll never be happy again otherwise.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

As long as you aren't being faithful, I don't see any reason for you or him to continue.


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## seeker_ (Aug 25, 2015)

i will not divorce. just cant bear to see him everyday. somedays are good but again the ED comes and all things comes crashing down for me..two days bak it hpnd wen i finally asked 4 sex after 2 weeks. in between the kissings he told hes tired and sleepy. he didnt had ny erection. he was tired becoz he hadnt slept the night b4 properly but we were having sex after two weeks. i felt hurt nd thats why i do not have the courage to have sex


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So you want sex, but nearly every time he initiates you shoot him down. And then when you do say yes and he can't perform, you resent him. Is this correct?


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## seeker_ (Aug 25, 2015)

yes . I want to be needed, desired. I want him to want me! but its not the case


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

seeker_ said:


> thanks for ur reply but i have faced the rejection from the past one year nd the point is that he takes sex as duty. i hv asked him many times do he feels sexual desire and he tells yes. i am not able to figure out whether he is telling the truth or just pretending. nyways the passion is dead nd there is only bitterness from my side.just wanted to know from people who are married will a marriage without passion work


Not with bitterness and resentment, it can't work. You need to go to a therapist together, preferably one who is qualified to treat depression. 

Very often depression doesn't "go away" unless it was triggered by some life event like losing a job (especially for a man) that has been since been remedied by finding a new job. Depression can be debilitating without proper medication. The problem can be that once the medication starts working (takes at least a few weeks) they might not think they need it anymore so they stop taking it. Within a few weeks or months they start slipping back into depression again as the medication leaves their system. 

He needs help & he needs your support and understanding. He can't be there for you emotionally when he is depressed, so you become bitter and resentful that it's always about him. It's a pretty normal reaction, but it does nothing to help either one of you. That's why you need to go to counseling too, so you can be heard, have your feelings acknowledged, and learn how to live with someone suffering from depression without becoming depressed yourself. 

For what it's worth, I think it's pretty good that he initiates sex at all when he doesn't have a good sex drive & he's still trying after rejection. Even if he's doing it out of "duty" it shows a concerted effort to fulfill your needs which shows he truly cares about you. 

I think there is hope but not without professional help. It can be so very hard to deal with mental illness, it takes a toll on everyone. The bitterness & resentment you're feeling will eat you up like a cancer if you don't get help.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So you want sex, but nearly every time he initiates you shoot him down. And then when you do say yes and he can't perform, you resent him. Is this correct?


My same question...



seeker_ said:


> yes . *I want* to be needed, desired. *I want* him to *want me!* but its not the case


Let me ask in another way. You tell your husband he is sexually inadequate because you want more, and when he tries you then reject him? Keeping in mind that you also worry about your husband becoming depressed? 

Try starting with just giving him a blow job and telling him he is awesome and expect nothing in return! Then, perhaps the winds will change...










pun intended!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Seeker, you sound as if you really dislike your husband; you've lost all respect for him; you do not have faith in him because you fear his depression will return. You feel like when he initiates sex he is not doing this because he desires you, but instead he is just going through the motions so he can tell himself he tried. You feel like sex with him lacks emotion, lacks passion, and it makes you feel used.

But then you say you refuse to divorce. Why don't you want a divorce? Do you want the rest of your life to be more of the same dyfunction?

Your marriage began with extreme dyfunction, he doesn't meet any of your emotional needs. How do you want your marriage to work today?
Do you want to save this marriage? 
Do you want to be in love with your husband again?
Do you want to want him?

Start by identifying everything you want in your relationship. Want to have fun together, to work together, to trust each other, to be kind to each other, to take care of each other... Talk this over with your husband.

I don't blame you for wanting to withhold sex. You're bitter and resentful about sex. However, turning the tables on him and denying him sex isn't going to make your marriage better. If you want a better marriage, you've got to allow the emotional connect to form in all areas and that includes sex. Marital sex can be the glue that holds things together, it can be the icing on a cake. Or is can be the battle ground and the place where love dies. If you want to save this marriage, sex needs to be a part of it. But you're too angry and bitter to go there. Where will this end?

To go from such extreme disconnect and dysfunction to a well connected marriage will take TIME.
You're going to need help with this. I really think your marriage needs a good marriage counselor.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

There must be a reason but you dont tell us why you dont want a divorce. Taking care of the household means I suppose you work. What exactly does he do all day. It doesnt sound like youre giving him a chance at all. You knew all this before you married so what did you expect.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

What is the cause and what is the effect?

I know of people who end up depressed because they have a bad sex life. 

I know it's tough when things are not working, but give him some sex and the confidence he needs, you could find him soon off pills....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Three observations (for what they are worth). 1. Love does not exist without respect. It's difficult for a woman to respect a man who can't support her or himself. Dude needs to get a job. 2. Love does not exist without trust. Dude denied you sex for the entire first year of your marriage, he lost his job within 2 months of getting married, your life seems to be dictated by his fluctuating mental health condition. Hard to trust someone in that position. You signed up to marry a person, not a condition. 3. I think women generally find "security" of critical importance when it comes to passion. Choosing the right mate has been crucial to the survival of women and their offspring since time began. This is hard-wired into you just because you're a woman and not something you can merely will away. A man who can't take care of business offers little security and should expect little sexual passion from a woman. There you go. Three critical elements needed for a woman to feel sustained sexual passion: trust, respect, security, and it doesn't sound like he offers any of the three or that there is reason to suspect he will in the future. While this guy may say he wants to be a husband, he might actually be too mentally ill to successfully be one. Not his fault, not your fault.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

seeker... Coming from 27 years of marriage with a man with Major Depression... He is ill, like someone with a broken back. Would you worry about your sex life when if your husband had a broken back? It's okay if you cannot handle it. Cast him aside. Do your own thing.

If you want to stay you need to learn as much about depression as you can. He needs to work with his doctor to make his life as good as it can be. There are many medications that can help, but it takes time. Help him give the doctor the best feedback. Go with him to appointments. It is wonderful that he knows something is wrong and is trying to get help.

You also have to take care of you. It means being a grown up and doing for another.

We did fine with no children. I cannot imagine us making it with that added pressure.


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