# Orgasm difficulty



## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

I have never had an orgasm from oral, manual or PIV ever and I have been in lots of relationships and have been married for 18 years. I have read lots of books on this subject and I think I have tried just about everything that there is to try but still I am unable to reach an orgasm or even come close. It has never really bothered me in the past because I still enjoy sex but now I am feeling more invigorated in my sex life I want to pursue this again. It seems to me that most women can achieve an orgasm through oral and/or manual not so much PIV. So why is it so difficult for me?

Any suggestions would be appreciated.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you able to have one yourself with a vibrator?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Under what circumstances can you have an orgasm? Or have you never had one?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Do you use fantasy? Even the most powerful vibes will not give me an orgasm without something erotic to think about.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Any past sexual abuse? I had a mental block stemming from abuse as a child that kept me from reaching O in any way until I did intensive therapy to overcome it. Now I am multi-orgasmic


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you tried simply relaxing and not thinking?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> It has never really bothered me in the past because *I still enjoy sex *"


I am a guy, so I am no expert on you situation, but *I can tell you that simply "enjoying sex" with your partner is way more important than the fact of if you have an orgasm or not.* 

I have read about situations about women in a similar situation that had never reached one as an adult, but was bound and determined to make it happen. She finally managed to do so with a Hitachi vibrator (very powerful because it plugs into the wall, and can bring most women to orgasm in less than a minute). What she discovered was that the sensations of an orgasm for her, while it felt good, was not something she felt was that important for her to have to achieve all the time. Her husband grew frustrated that the only way he could get his wife to orgasm was via a method that was unnatural for him, and this likely impacted why the wife grew to feel they were not important for her because it created an emotional distance with her husband. 

For the reasons stated in this story above, if you are determined to try and make it happen, I would strongly recommend you first try to do it alone. Once you perfect things, if you are able, then work out a way to share that with your husband. If it is going to require a large vibrator like a Hitachi, talk to him about it before hand and make sure he understands that some women just need something rather powerful to achieve an orgasm and that what is really important to you about sex is that you have always enjoyed it regardless of orgasms. Hopefully communicating that will help prevent from hurting his ego and the two of you can enjoy trying different things in a loving and compassionate context with each other.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

First off, have you seen a doctor about this to rule out a medical condition? If not, then do so before anything else. I have made women, some married, have their first orgasm. Their husbands were just inept or not patient. The woman my wife and I lived with took a good half hour or more to have an orgasm and it was a lot of work to get her there but no one leaves my bed without one. 

Have you tried a vibrator. Many women who never had an orgasm, have them with vibrators. I always keep a few in my night table, especially when we were living with our girlfriend. My wife is 64 and mostly orgasms with her vibrator although she can orgasm by oral and manual, just not as intensely. There are sex therapist who can teach you to orgasm. Sometimes the problem is psychological and that can be addressed to. There should be no reason why you cannot orgasm, you just need to find out how and if you have tried a vibrator and masturbation, then seek professional help. An orgasm is the greatest pleasure we humans can experience and if you think sex is enjoyable, just wait until you have an orgasm. My wife's toes curl and sometimes her muscles cramp. Orgasms are well worth the effort to figure out how to get them.

My ex fiancee had a lot of problems reaching orgasm. No matter what I tried she never really had good ones. Maybe she was faking them for my benefit but I will never know. I do know the reason now though, she is married to a woman. My wife had better orgasms with women then men too but she is pretty good either way. Neither my ex fiancee or my wife felt any attraction to women until they tried them. Not suggesting that this is your problem but just throwing it out there as two examples that I am aware of. 

Many men are lousy at oral which is my favorite form of sex. My wife and I have not had PIV sex longer than either of us can remember. We both enjoy oral more, hence her preference for women.  Some women also need a lot of time to reach orgasm. I was with one girl who took an hour to orgasm. My mouth was cramped and afterwards she said that it was the first time she ever came from oral. She had only orgasmed by masturbation before.

That reminds me, masturbation is the best way to learn how to orgams. In fact, I often ask a new women to masturbate while I hold her. It is not that watching her turns me on, although it does, it is to see how she brings herself to orgasm. Once I see what she does I know if she prefers clitoral stimulation or penetration. I watch her rhythm and pressure applied. I look to see if she starts off slow and then gradually increases her tempo, etc.. You should mastrubate to learn what feels best to you and how to recognize the signs of an impending orgasm. One girlfriend of mine was not having orgasms and I saw that he seemed to stop having sex when I thought she was going to orgasm. The problem was that she never masturbated for religious reasons and she was unfamiliar with the feeling of an orgasm right before it happened and it scared her and she wanted to stop when she felt that.

Good luck to you and you should learn how to orgasm. You are missing out on life's greatest pleasure.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I guess the OP will have to clarify if she has orgasms when alone/can give them to herself. Her original post says she has never had one by oral, manual or PIV. I read this as never has had one with a partner. 

If that is the case - I had never had an orgasm with a partner until 2 years ago. I had been sexually active for 24 years at that point. I would have said the same, I enjoyed sex anyway. Until one day it was just not ok anymore. 

There were a few things blocking me. For starters I never expected to have one and so was only mentally engaged in the act. Not my orgasm. When I would masturbate I used fantasy, positions that were reliable, things that had worked in the past. I could lead myself through it. When I was with my DH I was not using any of those things because sex was a non orgasm activity. 

It took the better part of a few years to learn to have a partner orgasm. The first step was making masturbation part of sex. I could make myself have one and I started by doing that in front of DH. Over time this got more comfortable. Over time I was more relaxed with him seeing me in this activity which has been totally private before. It increased the sexual intimacy dramatically. This could be manual (me) or vibrator. I made sure it happened when I was with him because I knew how to do it. 

Over time from observation he started joining in and then eventually was able to take over. I'm now very consistent about O from oral. But he learned the tricks of my body, that's going to be very specific and different for everyone. 

I think for women especially it's in our nature to be nuturing and take the attitude of - oh don't worry about me, honey, as long as you are satisfied! For me that just worked until it didn't anymore. I have no interest in PIV orgasm, if I could have them it would have happened a long time ago. IMO that is a question of how close your clitoris is to your vagina. Most of us ladies are out of luck there. 

In short, it's not going to just happen. It takes work to get there but is well worth it if you are asking me!


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Are you able to have one yourself with a vibrator?


Yes! but only in one position.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Under what circumstances can you have an orgasm? Or have you never had one?


Only through masturbation and in one position only lying face down on tummy.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

peacem said:


> Do you use fantasy? Even the most powerful vibes will not give me an orgasm without something erotic to think about.


Yes all the time but it has made no difference.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> Any past sexual abuse? I had a mental block stemming from abuse as a child that kept me from reaching O in any way until I did intensive therapy to overcome it. Now I am multi-orgasmic


Yes as a young girl under 10yrs. He was a teenage neighbour around 16??. There was no penetration of such except for his fingers I think. I know this happened several times. 

Sorry, If I am not allowed to post this type of information here.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you tried simply relaxing and not thinking?


Yes, I find having a glass of wine or two helps me to relax and gets more in the mood.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Yes as a young girl under 10yrs. He was a teenage neighbour around 16??. There was no penetration of such except for his fingers I think. I know this happened several times.
> 
> Sorry, If I am not allowed to post this type of information here.



I'm sorry you went through that 

For me it was my dad's drinking buddy. When dad would pass out, he would shower my then 7-8 year old self with uncomfortable attention. He molested me with his fingers and also forced me to perform oral sex on him. Same as you, several occasions... as often as dad passed out from drinking first. I was afraid to scream because my dad might wake up and I knew it was wrong.

I never told my parents at the time. I was too scared of what they would do or think. I blocked it out for years.

When I went off to college and started dating more and was more independent, everything came back and I lived in constant fear. I had nightmares reliving everything and couldn't function. I ended up having to take a medical leave so that I could get help in therapy.
After first dealing with the trauma aspect of it, I learned that I associated that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach - you know how it drops when something bad happens? that same feeling I would get when he molested me, I associated that with the initial feelings leading to orgasm, and I mentally would just shut down and couldn't get there. 

My therapist was able to give me assignments that helped me recognize the sensations were not the same and helped me come up with new associations. And she assigned a lot of self exploration. It worked! It took months, but I was finally free of the fear and unleashed sexually.

If you think there may be a connection to the abuse for you, I would encourage you to look into therapy and see if it might help. Changed my life for sure.... and so worth the pain getting there.

(((hugs)))


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I am a guy, so I am no expert on you situation, but *I can tell you that simply "enjoying sex" with your partner is way more important than the fact of if you have an orgasm or not.*
> 
> I have read about situations about women in a similar situation that had never reached one as an adult, but was bound and determined to make it happen. She finally managed to do so with a Hitachi vibrator (very powerful because it plugs into the wall, and can bring most women to orgasm in less than a minute). What she discovered was that the sensations of an orgasm for her, while it felt good, was not something she felt was that important for her to have to achieve all the time. Her husband grew frustrated that the only way he could get his wife to orgasm was via a method that was unnatural for him, and this likely impacted why the wife grew to feel they were not important for her because it created an emotional distance with her husband.
> 
> ...


My husband has never been bothered by the fact that he can't give me an orgasm, however, it bothers me. I am at that stage now where I need it to happen. I am 50 now and I don't want to go though the rest of my life wondering what it would feel like and besides it might help for when I go through menopause and not feel like sex again or that is what I have read. I think at the moment I am having a last hormonal surge before going through that stage so to speak. If I can achieve an orgasm with a partner then I may be more incline to have sex. I haven't said this to my husband but I guess it is like him having years and years of different kinds of sex and never climaxing how he or men in general would feel. I would say pretty FRUSTRATED not to mention feeling RESENTMENT and other negative feelings.

I do use a vibrator with my husband similar to a Rabbit but it doesn't matter what he does with it or how he uses it on me it does nothing for me unless I am using it myself. And as mentioned in a previous post I can only achieve an orgasm in one position with me using it only and believe me I have tried and tried different ways, speeds etc.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> I'm sorry you went through that
> 
> For me it was my dad's drinking buddy. When dad would pass out, he would shower my then 7-8 year old self with uncomfortable attention. He molested me with his fingers and also forced me to perform oral sex on him. Same as you, several occasions... as often as dad passed out from drinking first. I was afraid to scream because my dad might wake up and I knew it was wrong.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story with me. I do appreciate it. Yes! very similar story in many ways. I trusted this boy as he was a neighbours older brother who my brother played with and we would go over to their house to play Hide and Seek because their parents were away at work and somehow I would always end up in his bedroom. He use to bribe me with coloured Kool Mints I remember that vividly I guess not to tell anyone or for other reasons. It wasn't until he wanted me to perform oral sex on him that I knew there was something not quite right with his behaviour. I ran home and told mum who said we my sister and I were to never go over there again. I moved on and didn't think about it again until some years later when I was having sex for the very first time it was only then that all of a sudden I had a flashback to what was done to me and could remember it so clearly for the first time in years. Unfortunately, the event stayed with and I guess that could have been the start and the end to a good sex life. Sadly, these stories are only too common these day.

I only just recently told my husband about a month ago and all he could say was that he thought something like that may have happened and that I have these barriers up and won't allow myself to let go. He is probably right I know that I have control issues and that I am the only one that can bring myself to orgasm and no other person can do it right or to the way I need it done so I stop them and do it myself.

_*I mentally would just shut down and couldn't get there. *_ I know this feeling only to well.

I have seen several Psychologists and even 3 Psychiatrists over the years and no one could help or even suggest anything really worthwhile besides using vibrators and showing husband what to do etc. Been there and done that and it hasn't worked.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> My husband has never been bothered by the fact that he can't give me an orgasm, however, it bothers me. I am at that stage now where I need it to happen. I am 50 now and *I don't want to go though the rest of my life wondering what it would feel like* and besides it might help for when I go through menopause and not feel like sex again or that is what I have read. I think at the moment I am having a last hormonal surge before going through that stage so to speak. If I can achieve an orgasm with a partner then I may be more incline to have sex. I haven't said this to my husband but I guess it is like him having years and years of different kinds of sex and never climaxing how he or men in general would feel. I would say pretty FRUSTRATED not to mention feeling RESENTMENT and other negative feelings.
> 
> I do use a vibrator with my husband similar to a Rabbit but it doesn't matter what he does with it or how he uses it on me it does nothing for me unless I am using it myself. And as mentioned in a previous post I can only achieve an orgasm in one position with me using it only and believe me I have tried and tried different ways, speeds etc.


It is true that a partnered orgasm is much different than a solo orgasm. Mostly on an emotional level.

Based on you recent replies, I would suggest you try the following. Lay on your stomach and use your vibrator while your husband gives you a nice back rub so that you feel connected to him while pleasuring yourself. In this exercise do NOT allow yourself to orgasm, just focus on getting very close to one and then stop for just a moment and relax until the feeling of an imminent orgasm subsides. Repeat this as many times as you are able, say up to ten times. If you are able to do this and observe that each time you repeat that your urge to orgasm becomes stronger and with growing intensity of pleasure each time you get close, this is a very important thing for you to experience! This is what some people refer to as edging, and it will make the eventual orgasm that you do have something that will happen almost without any effort and it will be much more intense as opposed to going straight for it on the first try. If this works for you, it could open up the possibility of once the urge becomes strong enough that you may be able to let your husband do the honors of stimulating you to an orgasm. 

That is something you should try if you have not experimented in that manner before.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> _*I mentally would just shut down and couldn't get there. *_ I know this feeling only to well.
> 
> I have seen several Psychologists and even 3 Psychiatrists over the years and no one could help or even suggest anything really worthwhile besides using vibrators and showing husband what to do etc. Been there and done that and it hasn't worked.


If you can find a good sex therapist that might work better. I started with a traditional therapist for dealing with the trauma and when she felt I was ready I added the sex therapist for help in actually getting there. I saw them both for a while.

One word of caution, and this is probably since I was much younger at 19-21 when I was finally dealing with most of this, but once I got "there", I wanted it _all the time_! I had a bit of a sexual awakening back at school and unattached for about a year. I wouldn't call it wild per se, but wild for me especially considering all the hang ups I had before that (particularly with BJs). Once I was able to break through, I found I had a very high drive, and it only got worse as I aged... When I hit my early 40s and peri-menopause started early it skyrocketed! So if your drive is increasing from that already it may get worse once you find out what you've been missing all these years! Luckily my H is HD also so it was fine with him. 

I truly hope you're able to work through it...


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> First off, have you seen a doctor about this to rule out a medical condition? If not, then do so before anything else. I have made women, some married, have their first orgasm. Their husbands were just inept or not patient. The woman my wife and I lived with took a good half hour or more to have an orgasm and it was a lot of work to get her there but no one leaves my bed without one.
> 
> Have you tried a vibrator. Many women who never had an orgasm, have them with vibrators. I always keep a few in my night table, especially when we were living with our girlfriend. My wife is 64 and mostly orgasms with her vibrator although she can orgasm by oral and manual, just not as intensely. There are sex therapist who can teach you to orgasm. Sometimes the problem is psychological and that can be addressed to. There should be no reason why you cannot orgasm, you just need to find out how and if you have tried a vibrator and masturbation, then seek professional help. An orgasm is the greatest pleasure we humans can experience and if you think sex is enjoyable, just wait until you have an orgasm. My wife's toes curl and sometimes her muscles cramp. Orgasms are well worth the effort to figure out how to get them.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. No there is nothing physically wrong with me because I am able to have an orgasm by myself, however mentally is probably another matter.

I feel that my husband does not spend the time necessarily required to help me. He would never spend an hour on oral, mind you I don't think I could cope with that either. After an hour I would be feeling too sore to do anything else. I know if he doesn't get to come (which is very very rare) he gets a little annoyed. Well that is exactly how I feel. Is he any good at oral? Lately I am beginning to think no. He doesn't really seem to get me or what I want or really isn't interested anymore because he probably thinks what is the point she won't come anyway so it doesn't matter what I do to her. 

I know that he must have been reading some stuff on the internet recently because he has suggested another couple of ways to have sex that may help with the G spot. I don't think mine works anyway I never feels any different.

I do use a vibrator similar to a Rabbit and I have no problems masturbating in front of him using the vibrator as that is my only means of having an orgasm. He has watched me and he has been shown what to do and where to do it but it is not the same as me doing it and I end up frustrated and doing it myself. I guess if you want the job done properly you do it yourself. I obviously have control issues and can't let go for whatever reasons. It is certainly not out of embarrassment or shame.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

MissScarlett said:


> I guess the OP will have to clarify if she has orgasms when alone/can give them to herself. Her original post says she has never had one by oral, manual or PIV. I read this as never has had one with a partner.
> 
> If that is the case - I had never had an orgasm with a partner until 2 years ago. I had been sexually active for 24 years at that point. I would have said the same, I enjoyed sex anyway. Until one day it was just not ok anymore.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. Yes, I can orgasm myself by masturbation just not with a partner.

_*The first step was making masturbation part of sex. I could make myself have one and I started by doing that in front of DH. Over time this got more comfortable. Over time I was more relaxed with him seeing me in this activity which has been totally private before. It increased the sexual intimacy dramatically. This could be manual (me) or vibrator. I made sure it happened when I was with him because I knew how to do it. *_

We have been doing this for many years now and I usually orgasm when I am masturbating with or without a vibrator while having PIV, oral or manual but I can only achieve this in one position lying on my tummy.

I just want to be able to come from oral or manual without using a vibrator or masturbating myself and on my back or in any other position rather than lying frontwise.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> If you can find a good sex therapist that might work better. I started with a traditional therapist for dealing with the trauma and when she felt I was ready I added the sex therapist for help in actually getting there. I saw them both for a while.
> 
> One word of caution, and this is probably since I was much younger at 19-21 when I was finally dealing with most of this, but once I got "there", I wanted it _all the time_! I had a bit of a sexual awakening back at school and unattached for about a year. I wouldn't call it wild per se, but wild for me especially considering all the hang ups I had before that (particularly with BJs). Once I was able to break through, I found I had a very high drive, and it only got worse as I aged... When I hit my early 40s and peri-menopause started early it skyrocketed! So if your drive is increasing from that already it may get worse once you find out what you've been missing all these years! Luckily my H is HD also so it was fine with him.
> 
> I truly hope you're able to work through it...


*One word of caution, and this is probably since I was much younger at 19-21 when I was finally dealing with most of this, but once I got "there", I wanted it all the time! I had a bit of a sexual awakening back at school and unattached for about a year. I wouldn't call it wild per se, but wild for me especially considering all the hang ups I had before that (particularly with BJs).*

The exact same thing happened to me too from 24-28 after two LTR ended. And yes over the last year I am feeling very HD too where I could have sex several times a day most days however, after the first attempt I become too sore and have take a break for a few days until healed.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

badsanta said:


> It is true that a partnered orgasm is much different than a solo orgasm. Mostly on an emotional level.
> 
> Based on you recent replies, I would suggest you try the following. Lay on your stomach and use your vibrator while your husband gives you a nice back rub so that you feel connected to him while pleasuring yourself. In this exercise do NOT allow yourself to orgasm, just focus on getting very close to one and then stop for just a moment and relax until the feeling of an imminent orgasm subsides. Repeat this as many times as you are able, say up to ten times. If you are able to do this and observe that each time you repeat that your urge to orgasm becomes stronger and with growing intensity of pleasure each time you get close, this is a very important thing for you to experience! This is what some people refer to as edging, and it will make the eventual orgasm that you do have something that will happen almost without any effort and it will be much more intense as opposed to going straight for it on the first try. If this works for you, it could open up the possibility of once the urge becomes strong enough that you may be able to let your husband do the honors of stimulating you to an orgasm.
> 
> ...


Great suggestion! I haven't tried to do that before. What would you suggest would be more beneficial to orgasm after edging eg. oral, PIV or manual?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are two possible issues, and I don't know how important each is for your. "mechanics" and psychology.

Since you were molested as a child, that might be a major issue for you - or not. Are you able to O if you masturbate in your usual way in front of your husband, or does his presence make you uncomfortable? If the issue is how you feel, then its out of my knowledge what to suggest, but others will probably have some ideas.

If you think it might be "mechanical", something that works well for my wife an I: You can lie flat on your stomach, and then he lies on top to penetrate you (depending on how you are built, a pillow under your hips may or may not help). The angles for us work well for Gspot. At the same time you can take a hitachi and place it flat on the bed between your legs. He reaches under, takes the head of the vibrator (hooks 2 fingers round it) and brings it forward against you while you are having sex. My wife also finds it easiest to O when she is on her stomach so this works very well for her. 

Of course different things work for different people.






Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Only through masturbation and in one position only lying face down on tummy.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There are two possible issues, and I don't know how important each is for your. "mechanics" and psychology.
> 
> Since you were molested as a child, that might be a major issue for you - or not. Are you able to O if you masturbate in your usual way in front of your husband, or does his presence make you uncomfortable? If the issue is how you feel, then its out of my knowledge what to suggest, but others will probably have some ideas.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. Yes, I can masturbate to O easily with my husband watching without any shyness either without him touching or with oral or fingers.

The position you suggested is the main one we use to reach orgasm with me masturbating with either vibrator or my hand. Never works for my G-spot which always remains unaffected / no feeling no matter how much probing is done. However, I would love to manage this in another position rather than laying on my stomach. Lying on my back using a vibe feels good but doesn't get me over the edge. Maybe I need a different vibrator. A lot of people on this site seem to use the Hitachi Wand not sure if it is available where I come from.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

From what you describe definitely try the wand. There are lots of brands that are just as good, looked up 'body wand' or 'magic wand', 'doxy wand'.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> It is true that a partnered orgasm is much different than a solo orgasm. Mostly on an emotional level.
> 
> Based on you recent replies, I would suggest you try the following. Lay on your stomach and use your vibrator while your husband gives you a nice back rub so that you feel connected to him while pleasuring yourself. In this exercise do NOT allow yourself to orgasm, just focus on getting very close to one and then stop for just a moment and relax until the feeling of an imminent orgasm subsides. Repeat this as many times as you are able, say up to ten times. If you are able to do this and observe that each time you repeat that your urge to orgasm becomes stronger and with growing intensity of pleasure each time you get close, this is a very important thing for you to experience! This is what some people refer to as edging, and it will make the eventual orgasm that you do have something that will happen almost without any effort and it will be much more intense as opposed to going straight for it on the first try. If this works for you, it could open up the possibility of once the urge becomes strong enough that you may be able to let your husband do the honors of stimulating you to an orgasm.
> 
> ...





Lifeiscomplicated said:


> *Great suggestion! I haven't tried to do that before. What would you suggest would be more beneficial to orgasm after edging eg. oral, PIV or manual?*


You will likely need to experiment to see how your body responds after edging. Odds are if you are successful at first, you will probably have to remain still and just allow your husband to take control of your vibrator. Switching from one form of stimulation to another such as going from vibrator to oral may create a challenge to reach orgasm even for a normal person. One issue here is that a vibrator overstimulates you compared to natural stimulation and you will become a little numb after the vibrator to your husband's touch.

However, you need to experiment and just see how you body responds after edging to see if you are able to get a heightened response. My first guess would be to allow you husband to enter you via PIV and also continue providing yourself stimulation. It may be difficult for him to enter you while you are on your stomach, but if you place a pillow or two under your hips it may help make for an easy transition for him to enter you. If this seems to be working, perhaps continue to edge yourself with the vibrator while your husband is doing PIV from behind. Eventually you may be able to get close enough to hit a point of no return while your husband is making love to you that the orgasm will occur with only him stimulating you via PIV (even though the vibrator triggered it a few seconds earlier). 

If that works, then keep experimenting. Don't get your hopes too high as frustration will seriously interfere with any chances for an orgasm to happen, unless it is playful frustration done on purpose! So try to keep a very upbeat attitude when trying.

Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you can masturbate to orgasm but only laying on your tummy and using your fingers or a vibrator, right? But you want to have your husband play a role in helping you get there? 



Laying on your tummy, not facing your husband, allows you to be "separated" from him. You feel it and he feels it. It is this distance that allows you to get there. But it is this distance that prevents the emotional connection that is supposed to a part of sex.

1. Lay on top of your husband and masturbate. Close your eyes if you want, look away if you want. But laying on top of your husband and masturbating allows a closer, skin to skin connection. More skin connected, more emotional connection. Once you can do this reliably, and it may take several tries, move on to the next step.

2. Lay on your stomach with your husband on top of you, or slightly on top, and have him bring his hands around you. You continue to rub yourself and grind but now his hands are in there too. Eventually, laying on your stomach, on his hands as you move them they way that works for you.

3. Lay on your side, your husband behind you. Use his hands to masturbate yourself. When your arousal begins to build, and you sense it won't get you there, roll slightly toward laying on your stomach. Not fully on your stomach though. You can substitute a vibrator for your fingers, but he is holding the vibrator and you are holding his hands and moving them how you want. Once you can lay on your side and use his hands to orgasm reliably progress to the next step.

4. Lay on your side on the edge of the bed, your back to the edge. He stands behind you, leaning over you, using his hands and your hands. Do this until you can reliably orgasm this way. You can substitute a vibrator the same way here but ideally your husbands fingers. You're building up to allowing him a larger role in your orgasm.

5. Once you can reliably orgasm on your side at the edge of the bed, begin to roll slightly toward him. Lift a leg and have him touch you from between your legs, or lift a leg and have him touch you.

With each step, you're slowly opening yourself to his participation in your orgasm. 

Some women can orgasm from PIV but most cannot. Some women can have an orgasm from internal stimulation, but most cannot. I don't know why and don't think anyone does. Maybe it's just the way we are built. Like some people are physically flexible but most are not. Even those who are naturally flexible still have to stretch those muscles with regularity so that the perfect pike postion can always be achieved. 

The process above is like stretching those muscles.

Also, reflect on this. When a child is sexually touched, they are typically groomed to accept the inappropriate touching. The abuser doesn't usually go right at the act. They seduce by fooling the child, making the child think this is okay. They fool the child into a place of vulnerability. The child, being a child, doesn't recognize the path on which they are being led until the line is crossed. A line crossed might prompt a child to run away but more often than not, the child freezes. This is a trusted person and even though a line was crossed and the child feels discomfort and fear, the child is vulnerable because that trusted person is someone the child likes, liked, and even loved if it is a close family member who is abusing. 

A child is exceptionally vulnerable. It is up to adults to keep a child safe. A child only knows vulnerability because everyone is bigger, wiser, and children are wired to trust bigger people to keep them safe.

After sexual abuse, the child has to process what happened. Growing up, growing wiser, bigger stronger, more independent, the sexually abused child knows that it was their own trust in that person that allowed the abuse to happen. GUILT! "If I hadn't been so stupid, if I had recognized what was happening sooner..." It is the guilt and shame we feel for having failed to get away, failed to stop it before "it" happened, failed to recognize the situation for what it was, shame that we liked, trusted, and or loved that person that leads us to recognize vulnerability is dangerous. 

Sexually, becoming open to arousal, becoming aroused at another's hands, orgasming at another's actions puts us in a very vulnerable state. We have learned that vulnerability is dangerous but now we must learn that vulnerability with someone we trust is good.

It's a process and doesn't happen over night.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The hitachi is very powerful - if that is what works for you. The plug-in one is stronger than the rechargable. Amazon sells them so if you can order form them you can get one.

Maybe if you can get to the point where your husband can get you to O with a vibrator when you are on your stomach, you can then try other positions. 

Does g-spot work for you at all - with toys or anything? It may not be something all women enjoy. 




Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Thanks for the advice. Yes, I can masturbate to O easily with my husband watching without any shyness either without him touching or with oral or fingers.
> 
> The position you suggested is the main one we use to reach orgasm with me masturbating with either vibrator or my hand. Never works for my G-spot which always remains unaffected / no feeling no matter how much probing is done. However, I would love to manage this in another position rather than laying on my stomach. Lying on my back using a vibe feels good but doesn't get me over the edge. Maybe I need a different vibrator. A lot of people on this site seem to use the Hitachi Wand not sure if it is available where I come from.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I am at that stage now where I need it to happen. I am 50 now and I don't want to go though the rest of my life wondering what it would feel like...


I am at a crisis point myself.



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> If I can achieve an orgasm with a partner then I may be more incline to have sex.


You mention "a partner" as opposed to "my husband". Are you considering asking your husband for a hall pass? To explore sex with others? 



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I haven't said this to my husband but I guess it is like him having years and years of different kinds of sex and never climaxing how he or men in general would feel. I would say pretty FRUSTRATED not to mention feeling RESENTMENT and other negative feelings.


I can relate. I was diagnosed with Pleasure Dissociated Orgasmic Disorder (PDOD), so my wife has orgasms, but I cannot. Frustrating and sometimes even suicidal is how I feel. I recently told my wife in counselling that if we can't figure this out together, I would eventually want to go outside the marriage to see if orgasm is possible with other women. It's a horrible thing to say to a partner you love. Our therapist has previously suggested a sex surrogate, but neither is morally acceptable to me. My point here is that I understand your urgency, and I think it's valid. If I were you, I would try to get an appointment with a good sex doctor (technically, I think they are specialized urologists) that will give you the hope and the tools to have orgasms. And when I say tools, I don't mean another vibrator. At my doctor, if you go for a full workup, they will have you talk to a counselor, then a physical therapist will evaluate your pelvic floor muscles, then the doctor will talk to you about the results of all that and the hormone tests in context of your problems. They have MANY ways to make this work. Almost all the staff is female if that is something you are interested in and I think most of their patients are actually female. I can Private Message the details if you are interested. 



Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I do use a vibrator with my husband similar to a Rabbit but it doesn't matter what he does with it or how he uses it on me it does nothing for me unless I am using it myself.


You should try the womanizer. It sounds like you are having clitoral orgasms through firm vibration, so trying something with some suction could really work as well. Also, I am wondering if part of the reason you have to lay on your stomach is the firm pressure it provides against your clitoris. Just a thought. But, using gentle suction for the stimulation with the womanizer (or partners lips/mouth) might allow you to lay on your back. And when laying on your back, you can hold (control) the suction right on your clitoris, while your husband gives you PIV. 

You should try a womanizer, in my opinion. But, you can take it with a grain of salt coming from a man. But, it works every time on my wife... and the orgasms are huge. 

Also, totally out of left field here... I am wondering if seeing him or any man, is hindering you from climaxing... What are you thinking/fantasizing about when you are face down on the bed? As an experiment, try having your husband blind fold you and see if that changes whether you can orgasm on your back...


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

peacem said:


> From what you describe definitely try the wand. There are lots of brands that are just as good, looked up 'body wand' or 'magic wand', 'doxy wand'.


Thanks for the suggestions. Looking into these brands now.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

badsanta said:


> You will likely need to experiment to see how your body responds after edging. Odds are if you are successful at first, you will probably have to remain still and just allow your husband to take control of your vibrator. Switching from one form of stimulation to another such as going from vibrator to oral may create a challenge to reach orgasm even for a normal person. *One issue here is that a vibrator overstimulates you compared to natural stimulation and you will become a little numb after the vibrator to your husband's touch.*
> 
> However, you need to experiment and just see how you body responds after edging to see if you are able to get a heightened response. My first guess would be to allow you husband to enter you via PIV and also continue providing yourself stimulation. It may be difficult for him to enter you while you are on your stomach, but if you place a pillow or two under your hips it may help make for an easy transition for him to enter you. If this seems to be working, perhaps continue to edge yourself with the vibrator while your husband is doing PIV from behind. Eventually you may be able to get close enough to hit a point of no return while your husband is making love to you that the orgasm will occur with only him stimulating you via PIV (even though the vibrator triggered it a few seconds earlier).
> 
> ...


Totally agree! I have found this to be a problem now that my fingers/hand no longer work for me but only firm pressure and I mean firm pressure from the vibrator can bring me to orgasm. 

I appreciate your advice and again thank you. I will certainly give this a try.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> So you can masturbate to orgasm but only laying on your tummy and using your fingers or a vibrator, right? But you want to have your husband play a role in helping you get there?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for these suggestions and the advice. Much appreciate it.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

uhtred said:


> The hitachi is very powerful - if that is what works for you. The plug-in one is stronger than the rechargable. Amazon sells them so if you can order form them you can get one.
> 
> Maybe if you can get to the point where your husband can get you to O with a vibrator when you are on your stomach, you can then try other positions.
> 
> Does g-spot work for you at all - with toys or anything? It may not be something all women enjoy.


Thank you for the advice on the Hitachi. I am currently making enquires into this brand as I have discovered that we now have a distributor selling it here.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> I am at a crisis point myself.
> 
> *You mention "a partner" as opposed to "my husband". Are you considering asking your husband for a hall pass? To explore sex with others? *
> 
> ...


Sorry for the confusion, I did mean my husband. Partner/husband can be considered one of same here. However, it doesn't sound like a bad idea with the Hall Pass. Must ask husband that question but I can be certain that it will be met with a very big NO lol.

Thanks for your suggestion regarding the Womanizer. Looked into this and it is incredibly expensive but apparently works really well and very fast. After reading several reviews the main concern from women was that it can only be used in the one position that being on your back, however, I will continue researching it.

You are so correct with your comment about hindering my experience and that is why we do use a blind fold at times. It also helps my arousal.

I will send you a PM with regards to the details if that is still okay with you. Thank you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> Thank you so much for these suggestions and the advice. Much appreciate it.



I hope you come back and update. I'd like to know how you're progressing and this is a safe place to share your fears and concerns.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I hope you come back and update. I'd like to know how you're progressing and this is a safe place to share your fears and concerns.


Thank you Anon Pink. I will definitely let you all know how I am progressing in this area.


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## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

I was wondering if users of the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand Massager or something similar would mind answering some questions about this product. 

After reading some reviews from women who have used the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand the main issues they had were:

1) Too many vibrating patterns. I personally prefer just the one strong constant vibe
2) The power of the wand was too strong at times to bring on orgasm
3) The wand caused numbness to the clit and surrounding area after a short while 
4) Wand is too big and clunky
5) Cannot be used internally
6) Got in the way when using it with a partner
7) Some found it easy to orgasm and others found it took too long
8) Some women found that after using this wand they could not masturbate in another way.

What are your thoughts on the wand or are there other vibrators which are better?

Thanks once again to everyone who has replied to my post and offered such helpful advice.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I do use a vibrator with my husband similar to a Rabbit but it doesn't matter what he does with it or how he uses it on me it does nothing for me unless I am using it myself. And as mentioned in a previous post I can only achieve an orgasm in one position with me using it only and believe me I have tried and tried different ways, speeds etc.


Sounds like an intimate trust difficulty


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I was wondering if users of the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand Massager or something similar would mind answering some questions about this product.
> 
> After reading some reviews from women who have used the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand the main issues they had were:
> 
> ...


I haven't used the cordless one but one that plugs in. There are pros and cons to all vibes I suppose. The plug in ones have just one continuous vibe. The lowest setting should be ok for most people - the higher settings were just painful for me. You need to use plenty of lube with them to avoid friction. It does bring slight numbness but it returns to normal after a few hours (I did not have any long term problems). You also get a buzzy sensation which takes a while to wear off. It is definitely heavy and clunky but most people will be holding it for just a few short minutes. I think with any vibe you get used to a certain sensation and have re-set to orgasm with something different. I have a few vibes that I switch around so I don't become reliant on one thing. It is probably a good idea for both men and women to not get used to a particular thing as you lose that exciting feeling of variety and spontaneity. (It becomes same old). 

It sounds like it is more of a mental block with you, like performance anxiety that some men have. To get over that hurdle some men use viagra, it gives them their confidence back and stops them from worrying about whether it will work or not. For women, a very powerful vibrator such as a wand may act in the same way as your orgasm will likely happen very quickly and unexpectedly, after time your mind will learn to relax and accept that you can orgasm with your H as normal. Then you can switch it around with your other vibrator. 

You are probably worrying about what your H may think, that he may be thinking he is not a good lover or is letting you down, or you don't find him attractive?? I used to struggle to have an orgasm with my H, but would be able to finish off in the bathroom in 30 seconds without vibes. I'm pretty sure it was because I was worrying about getting there - to a point of it being distracted by the urgency. I think just getting a tool that will practically force an orgasm out of you will get you over that mental hurdle and then you can slowly introduce other things into your repertoire.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

we have both a plug-in and a cordless. She prefers the plug-in, its stronger, and the vibration patterns have never done anything for her.

She does have sensitivity problems though after using a wand for a long time. Recently I've been giving her an O with a much smaller vibrator first, then one with the stronger one. 




Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I was wondering if users of the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand Massager or something similar would mind answering some questions about this product.
> 
> After reading some reviews from women who have used the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand the main issues they had were:
> 
> ...


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

The human body really likes patterns. When one thing is done and is successful, our body becomes conditioned to only respond well to that one thing, making it harder for other things to work well. 

How do you change that?

Lots of variety. 

Try different positions, lots of different positions, hang upside down off your bed even.
Try different locations, bedroom, bathroom, or car (the risk of being caught can amplify the erotic feelings for some).
Try a variety of vibrators or combo toys like the rabbit. Vibrators - A Place For Passion
Try ear muffs to cut out the sense of sound, blindfolds to cut out the sense of sight, this can amplify the other senses.
Set the mood, candles, music, different textures of fabric, anything to stimulate the senses.
Build up the anticipation. Touch and tease while at the movie, or sitting next to each other at a restaurant, discreetly.
Send each other sexy texts.
Wear items that make you feel sexy or feel great against your skin. Thigh highs, satin materials, anything that you enjoy. 
Stimulate that imagination. A lot of a woman's ability to have a good sexual experience is in our heads. Get the mind engaged in sexy thoughts and relax into that feeling.

Have you ever thought about taking a burlesque class or something similar? I have read a bunch of reviews about women that have done something like that and it helps them feel empowered, sexy, vulnerable, open and confident. All of which are good for your sex life as well.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I was wondering if users of the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand Massager or something similar would mind answering some questions about this product.
> 
> After reading some reviews from women who have used the Hitachi Cordless Love Magic Wand the main issues they had were:
> 
> ...


There are some models, some of which may be available at your local novelty store that will simply have just a hi and low setting. You can actually ask the people that work at the store to allow you to feel how strong the vibrations are *with your hand* before you buy it, and that is a standard practice at the checkout to make sure the product you are about to purchase does not have a defect (as most are non-returnable but some do have warranties). This should resolve most of your concerns.

Also keep in mind that these wands have many attachments on the market that will allow for internal use. Here is what a few look like:


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