# husband in love with widowed wife of best friend



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

Looking for advice on what to do!

My husband of 10 years seems to be going through a midlife crisis. His best friend died 4 months ago and he is now in love with his wife, whom he has know for 20 years. He announced to me a few days ago that he is in love with her and wants to leave his job, leave our marriage and move away to live with her. 
We have a 7 year old daughter together and have had a rocky marriage from time to time but a fabulous sex life, even now. 
His plan is to give 2 months notice on his job, stay here with us during that time and then move away to start his new life and return every other week to spend a few days with his daughter, who is the most important thing in his life. 
Both of us are super conscious of hurting our daughter as little as possible during this time and making the transition of marriage breakup as smooth as possible.
He has offered to look after us financially as much as he can, bearing in mind he will be unemployed, and that I remain in our apartment with our daughter for now.
I have listened to everything he said to me but feeling very numb and heartbroken. He is cold towards me (except when we have sex when he is loving, affectionate and considerate), generally uncommunicative and drinking more heavily than usual.
A part of me wants him to leave now rather than in 2 months, but I understand his reasons for trying to make it as easy as we can for our daughter by going gradually. 
I feel that his constant presence will not allow me space to get over this but I also feel that maybe he is having his cake and eating it too by staying in our marital home and conveniently moving in with his new love as soon as his job finishes. What is the right thing to do??
Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

clementineboian said:


> and return every other week to spend a few days with his daughter, who is the most important thing in his life.


Obviously not. His fantasy woman is the most important thing in his life.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

clementineboian said:


> Looking for advice on what to do!
> 
> My husband of 10 years seems to be going through a midlife crisis. His best friend died 4 months ago and he is now in love with his wife, whom he has know for 20 years. He announced to me a few days ago that he is in love with her and wants to leave his job, leave our marriage and move away to live with her.
> We have a 7 year old daughter together and have had a rocky marriage from time to time but a fabulous sex life, even now.
> ...


*Good god woman first you need to stop having sex with the man! *Honestly, how do you get past the fact that he doesn't love you, loves and plans to be with someone else, in order to have sex with him? I do not understand that.

You're right, kick his ass out now. Don't wait unti, he quits his job. Go to a lawyer and begging to file so you get spousal support beginning now!

If you go hard line on him he will likely get very angry to begin with, but as the cold face of reality sets in, if there is any chance at all for him to wake up, you need him to hit rock bottom Hard and fast!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is the widow on board with this plan? Is she willing to support this jerk?

As Anon said, stop having sex with him! You can't nice him out of his delusion.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, he is cake eating, in TAM terms. If he wants the other woman, tell him he can have her but not you too!


----------



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

thank you for replies...
Yes, the widow is on board and in cahoots with him. They made all the plans behind my back re: leaving job, our family, moving in with her, and then he announced it to me.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

What a terrible story, I am so sorry you are going through this. So much pain and emotion all around. Some thoughts:

He's grieving for the loss of his friend. He (and the widow) are likely confusing sympathy/empathy for love. Especially since they've been friends for so long. Chances are very high that *she won't want him* when her own grieving is over.

Tell him this. Be kind, but firm. Tell him you love him and your family and to think hard before destroying what you have built together. Tell him not to make irrevocable decisions when he is grieving (be very clear, however, that if he leaves, he will *never* come back).

Suggest he get counselling for 3 months before making a decision. Don't sleep with him during this time -- he needs to understand exactly what he is giving up. Do the 180. Take care of your self. Good luck.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Stop having sex with him!

Get tested for STD's

Go to a lawyer and file for divorce. 

Throw him out of the house.

Sorry you are here. Playing nice and keeping the peace are not going to work in your favor no matter what your goal is.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Ditto to everything said so far.

Also add...EXPOSE. Please tell his family and the OW's family (parents, siblings).


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm sorry your husband is doing this to you and his child. Stop having sex with him and tell him he needs to pack up and leave immediately. Show him consequences. 

Here is a great thread by our old sage Morituri I think you will find applicable to your situation. 



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


----------



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

Thank you all...

Yes, the widow and him are in cahoots and have made all the plans re: leaving job, leaving marriage and moving in with her, all behind my back. Husband merely made the announcement to me.

Good posting on letting them go...


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What a loyal friend. 

No more nookie for him.

File for divorce.

Make sure the child support is based on his current income.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg what a jacka rse! No no no, you stop having sex with him and kick his butt to the kerb today!!

The reason he wants to move out in 2 months is because he has nowhere to go at the moment. TOO BAD, SO SAD. Get out now you jerk!

Get all your ducks in a row. See an attorney now and file for support while he's still working. You have to protect yourself and your daughter.

Is the widow on board with him or is she completely in the dark?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

His buddy must be rolling over in his grave. How long did these two bide their time? 

I don't understand why he needs to quit his job? How far away is he moving?

See an attorney ASAP. Make sure he is set up to pay child support and alimony.

And his daughter is the most important thing in his life? Did you really write that? Honey, she's not even in his top 10. Marriages don't work out for many reasons but he's making a conscious choice to leave her and move away. Still see her every few weeks? Father of the fu-kin year.

And Jesus stop giving him sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Not much to add as virtually every post is pretty solid. 

His betrayal is poison. He needs to learn there are repercussions to his actions. I mean, what kind of a bastard waits for his best friend to die before moving in on his wife? 

He has made a decision to abandon his wife and his children. He needs to go- now. There is no grace for this type of behavior. 

And, yes, I'd publicize his against the both of them.

Lastly, my first (on my second and final marriage) wife ran off with Mr. Wonderlust. The rich man of her dreams. lasted all of 3 weeks. When he wants to return, just hang up on him.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is just so awful.

You need see attorney like right now. I'm wondering if it will snap him back into reality if you file for divorce and get an order for him to move out of the house.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your pain. You need to see a divorce attorney to protect your legal rights. You need to detach from him and not have sex. You need to see a psychologist asap to set your mind straight. You need to build your self-esteem so that you can move on from this horrible predicament.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did the buddy and his wife live a long distance away from you? 

Or has the widow moved away since her husband died?

I'm wondering if the affair predates his friends death.

Is this widow willing to support your husband financially? Why?

I agree with every one else. Stop having sex with your husband. Go see a lawyer this week and file for divorce. that will freeze the amount of child support he has to pay. I could also freeze spousal support if you will get any.

Do you have a job?

Do not think for a minute that he's going to support you and his daughter once he has moved out. Men very often say this when they are leaving for an affair partner. It makes them feel better about themself. But when push comes to shove.. you are out of sight, out of mind. And of course he and the other woman will need all the money he has. 

See she is going to get pi$$ed when she realized that she has to support him. She will get even more pi$$ed if she supports him and then he sends you money. 

Another reason to file for divorce ASAP is that right now he can move out of state with your child. He's a parent and have equal rights. So he can do that. Few states would bother to try to get her back. 

If you file for divorce NOW, you can ask the attorney to put a stipulation in the divorce that he cannot take her out of state without your written permission, a court order, etc.

He is doing what he thinks is boing nice to you because he needs you to play nice until he leaves. Now what he is doing is not really nice, he's just so lost in the fog that he thinks he's being a good guy by telling you this, being honest, and promising to support you. He figures that promising to support you will keep you from filing for divorce. Sex is for two reasons.. 1) play mind games with you to give you hope.. so you will not rock the boat and file for divorce right now. 2) what the heck, you are that, why not use you for sex.

Who all knows about this affair? Do friends of his buddy? The buddies family? Does the buddy have kids? If so do they know? What about his family, her family and your family?


----------



## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

I hate to say it but they have been having an affair for quite a while.
Behind both your backs.
The speed and sureness is the proof.
Let him go. Stop having sex. Kick him out. Divorce him.
I am sorry for your loss.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Really sorry to have you here clementineboian!

Was his friend ill over some time leading to his death ?

I believe that there is not necessarily any love for your stbxh from the POSOW. She is just replacing her now dead source of income/stability/companionship with him - i.e. having a ready made replacement at the cost of you and your daughter.

If she saw her husband's death as being inevitable, she might have started this up some time ago.

Your husband sounds like a spineless, characterless [email protected] too!

Definitely, stop sleeping with him and make his cheating and abandoning of his family as painful for them both as possible. And I agree with what has been said - his most important area of focus is just below his belly button and the second most important is the POSOW!

Expose far and wide - give him hell on financial support - make their "life together" pure misery. Kick his a$$ out now!

Sure, you need to protect your daughter but being "nice" to her [email protected] father is not the way!


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That BPGuy, did you ever write about your first marriage?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Glad to see you posting BP!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I wonder after some time away if reality will set in and your husband will come crawling back home. He and the widow may have bonded over grief and are mistaking that commonality for love.

Or as others have said they could have had something going for a long time.

Regardless....stop having sex with the guy! 

Stop letting him sleep in your bed, NOW. Tell him he needs to leave the home immediately, go to the court house and file a separation agreement. If the cell phone plan is in your name delete him off the account. Any joint credit cards should be canceled or limits reduced to a couple hundred dollars. Take half of your saving and move it to a new account, if the car is in your name take it away. Get tested for STD's and give him the bill.

All you are doing is enabling his bad behavior, heck actually you are rewarding his behavior by having sex with him, he probably thinks he won the lottery! The second he told you he was in love with someone else and was going to leave he stopped being your husband (except by law), all he is now is some guy screwing up your life.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Cooper said:


> I wonder after some time away if reality will set in and your husband will come crawling back home. He and the widow may have bonded over grief and are mistaking that commonality for love.
> 
> Or as others have said they could have had something going for a long time.
> 
> ...


I mostly agree with this post. The stuff in bold you need to discuss with your lawyer before implementing, some of it may piss off a judge.

You need to file for divorce as soon as possible. Get child support and alimony locked in before he bugs out, and get a court order preventing him from taking your child with him when he leaves. If you haven't taken steps to prevent it he can take her with him and you're basically screwed at that point. It would be you trying to get visitation and traveling to where he lives to see her and paying him child support.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> That BPGuy, did you ever write about your first marriage?


I did. I didn't save the link to it. I wish I would have.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Glad to see you posting BP!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I have a contrary view, though I completely agree that this is sad and sucks for you.

If my wife found someone she truly loved more than me and would be happier with them, I'd be very hurt but would want her to pursue it. We believe that we are together because we want to be together, and once that changes, everything does. Now if this happened, I would - eventually - move on and I'm confident I'd meet someone equally as good or better. She feels the same.

So, wish him happiness and mean it ... as you kick his damn ass out the door!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell the other woman he still want to have sex with you and dose .

next time he tries tell him to go see his other woman.

start getting your finacial things in order. go see a professional to help you.

go see a lawyer before he quits his job and file for divorce.


good luck


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

clementineboian said:


> Looking for advice on what to do!
> 
> My husband of 10 years seems to be going through a midlife crisis. His best friend died 4 months ago and he is now in love with his wife, whom he has know for 20 years. He announced to me a few days ago that he is in love with her and wants to leave his job, leave our marriage and move away to live with her.
> We have a 7 year old daughter together and have had a rocky marriage from time to time but a fabulous sex life, even now.
> ...


How generous of him. He is ripping apart your family, blowing off his responsibilities, quitting his job, and OFFERING you this? I am betting you can do one better in divorce court.




> I have listened to everything he said to me but feeling very numb and heartbroken. He is cold towards me (except when we have sex when he is loving, affectionate and considerate), generally uncommunicative and drinking more heavily than usual.
> A part of me wants him to leave now rather than in 2 months, but I understand his reasons for trying to make it as easy as we can for our daughter by going gradually.


Um. No. First stop having sex with him. If there are practical reasons that he stay, then he can move to another room.



> I feel that his constant presence will not allow me space to get over this but I also feel that maybe he is having his cake and eating it too by staying in our marital home and conveniently moving in with his new love as soon as his job finishes. What is the right thing to do??
> Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you.


See a lawyer and protect yourself and your daughter.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I have a contrary view, though I completely agree that this is sad and sucks for you.
> 
> If my wife found someone she truly loved more than me and would be happier with them, I'd be very hurt but would want her to pursue it. We believe that we are together because we want to be together, and once that changes,* everything does*. Now if this happened, I would - eventually - move on and I'm confident I'd meet someone equally as good or better. She feels the same.
> 
> So, wish him happiness and mean it ... as you kick his damn ass out the door!


Not everything. Not his responsibility for his children. Just up and quitting your job is irresponsible in the highest.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Try to think of all this in different terms. You say you love him. He says he is in love with someone else and he is ready to lave and divorce you. Okay, yes it is mind blowing to be told all this, feels like your whole life has been jerk out from under you. However, he has made a choice, no matter what the circumstance is.....if you love, then love him enough to let him go and find his own way. That's all you can really do anyway.

My first husband jerked my world from under my feet too. We had 2 little girls and had been married for 7 years when he admitted his affair and decided he wanted to be with her. I truly loved him but I saw he really was in love with this other woman and I knew I had to let him go.

he too wanted to continue to have sex with me and I did for awhile. My advise to you though, is to not have sex with him anymore and I think he needs to find a different place to live.

Seek counseling for yourself to help you but understand your husband's life is headed a different direction and there is nothing you can do about it. I am sorry, it hurts, it stinks and it doesn't seem fair but in the end of all this you might be the lucky one. It is very possible he will do the very same thing to this gal too, my ex did.


----------



## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

So sorry you are going through this. Who knows what is going on with him. All you know is what he has told you. Time to go into protective mode. First get angry. Scream, vent, cry. Get it out of your system. Do not internalize this pain. Next, tell him to leave. You do not need to make life easy for him. Your daughter will survive. Then mourn, mourn, mourn. You will Survive this and be a stronger person. Hold your head up high, with dignity. You did nothing wrong.


----------



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

Thanks to everyone for support and advice.
An update..
Confronted husband when he came home from work today (in the nicest possible way), firm and to the point.
I do believe that people can fall deeply in love with other people, even while they are in a relationship, and I said I would let him go, as graciously as I could, without bitterness but under the condition that he leave the house and find somewhere else to live ASAP. It felt quite empowering to say so and a bit of a relief (I ate something for the first time in 2 days!).
He, however seems to have a bit of a change of heart since his revelation 3 days ago and is now reconsidering if this is the right thing for him to do. He says he is torn between the two of us equally, but is considering trying to pull our marriage out of the fire. To be honest, he is a complete mess at the moment and any sensible communication out of him is almost non-existent, just shakes his head and says he doesn't know what to do and is confused. Refuses to consider professional help or counseling. 
In addition, his relationship with the other woman is only one thing in a long list of things that are not right in his life at the moment - hates his job, hates his life, hates the routine, fed up with our marriage (though claims to still love me, this week at least) . The other woman of course can offer an antidote to all that.
I don't get any sense whatsoever that he is motivated towards fixing us. Both of us do wonder if indeed it is fixable in the long run, but me being the optimist, I always feel somehow, somewhere there is a solution. This time I'm highly sceptical though. He looks utterly defeated and I don't know that he has the strength to stay.
Will let the dust settle for 24 hours and see how things pan out. 
Your thoughts always appreciated...


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Stand firm. He wants to consider pulling the marriage out of the fire? Great...tell him to contact you when the OW is permanently out of his life. Otherwise, you intend to move forward with divorce. No more sex! You probably can't legally kick him out of the house at ths point, but you can do the 180. Don't do his laundry, cooking, cleaning. Again, no sex!!! Do not engage in conversation with him unless it relates to your child. Call his parents and tell them the situation and that you will be filing for divorce. Your #1 goal is to kill the affair...by killing the fantasy.

He may just start to realize what he's about to lose. But he really needs to believe that he WILL lose. See an attorney. You can always back out but he needs a proverbial slap to the head.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You did the right thing. No more cake eating.

By pressing him to decide you are protecting yourself from drawn out misery. Your husband will appreciate your decisiveness. The last thing he needs is uncertainty on your part.

Also, his collapse may spell the end of your marriage anyway, as you may reject him.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He can quit his job & change women but he'll still be looking at himself in the mirror. He can't run away from himself. And, you can't fix him.

The other woman would be an antidote for about 90 days (the honeymoon effect) and then he'll be right back to where he is now because he never bothered to do any work on himself.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just curious... How far away does she live. And presumably his deceased friend lived " out there " too? How did the friend pass? Accident, illness? Were you close to either one of them? Do they have any kids? 

I only wonder because his plan to quit his job, and go move somewhere away from his wife and child to some OW is the height of irresponsibility. How will he support himself with no job? 

We all go through sh!t in our lives. None of it is an excuse to abandon all responsibilities.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just because he's indecisive, it does not mean that everything else (read: you, your daughter) has to wait for his mind to be made up. 

Carry on.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Wow. If my husband did that, I'd never come back from that.

I'd never trust him again, I'd always wonder if I was plan B, or be worried that he would move on to someone else as soon as he found a "better" partner.

I'd be kicking his tail to the curb. You are being way way way too nice and understanding about this.


----------



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

Husband was friends with this couple for many years before I was on the scene. They lost touch for a while but got in contact again about 4-5 years into our marriage. His best friend did not like me right from the beginning and made his feelings plain. His wife seemed to be okay with me.
I only met them 2-3 times (lived 4 hours away) but I always felt very much on the outside, like they were in a club or something and I wasn't a member.
The best friend died after a long illness and they didn't have any children. 
Not sure when the relationship with the wife started... husband maintains it was while he was supporting her in her grief (he says he admired how she looked after him) and also maintains that it is not sexual, yet. Lots of lies have been told about the nature of this relationship over the last 4 months, so not sure how true that last bit is to be honest. Either way, they are having a very strong emotional relationship at the least and seem to be entirely dependent on one another.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

clementineboian said:


> He, however seems to have a bit of a change of heart since his revelation 3 days ago and is now reconsidering if this is the right thing for him to do. He says he is torn between the two of us equally, but is considering trying to pull our marriage out of the fire. To be honest, he is a complete mess at the moment and any sensible communication out of him is almost non-existent, just shakes his head and says he doesn't know what to do and is confused. Refuses to consider professional help or counseling.
> In addition, his relationship with the other woman is only one thing in a long list of things that are not right in his life at the moment - hates his job, hates his life, hates the routine, fed up with our marriage (though claims to still love me, this week at least) . The other woman of course can offer an antidote to all that.
> I don't get any sense whatsoever that he is motivated towards fixing us. Both of us do wonder if indeed it is fixable in the long run, but me being the optimist, I always feel somehow, somewhere there is a solution. This time I'm highly sceptical though. He looks utterly defeated and I don't know that he has the strength to stay.
> Will let the dust settle for 24 hours and see how things pan out.
> Your thoughts always appreciated...


How nice for him, that he thinks he gets to keep you and by extension your daughter, dangling while he fiddle faddles around making his mind up! No no NO!!!

Stand firm. You will not be treated this way. You will not model for your daughter that this appalling treatment is acceptable. Ask him to leave the house. If he won't and you can't, move him out of the marital bedroom. He can sleep in a little single bed at the back of the house while he "finds himself". Oh please.

You do for you and your daughter. No cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, shopping - NOTHING for husband.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

clementineboian, this is plain nuts.

Your husband tells you he has fallen in lust, er, love, with his best friend's widow who now has some inheritance. He wants to abandon his family and go and play. And, oh by the way, just to show you how wonderful he is, he's going to stick around until he leaves so you can see his handsome face.

Now, after thinking about a divorce, loss of respect from his child... he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Any way you slice it up, you need to file for divorce immediately and get him away from you. At least for now.

I suggest a 90 day period with him out of the house so YOU can sift through all this and determine if YOU want him back. And if so under what circumstances YOU set.

I will also make you a guarantee that if he ever does stay he will do this again.

You deserve so much better.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Your H is acting very selfishly.

Who controls the finances in your home? Can you tell him to get out until he pulls his head out of his ass?

I would stand firm. Tell him to get some counselling or get out. Three months of therapy and then SOGOTP (**** or get off the pot). There is the chance he is depressed (low T?)--which could explain his desperate behaviour-- and, if so, you owe it to your marriage to find out. But if not, then you have a life to live too and deserve a H who really wants you/your marriage. Don't you think?


----------



## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

Tell him the following choices.

1.

No contact with the OW.
Immediate MC.
A remorseful attitude.

2.

Nuke him. Have the papers drawn up and nuke'em.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think that if there is any chance for you to work out your marriage, the OW needs to be completely out of his life. That would be my stipulation of I were you. Nothing less than him completely cutting her off, and telling her to never contact him again. I would even insist he make a pledge to you and your daughter that he'd never contact OW again.

If this doesn't happen, there's no point in causing you and your daughter all the heart ache and anguish of trying to keep this doomed marriage going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your husband's behavior is outrageous.

You should not talk to him at all. His best friend died? Guess what his wife "left him" so his luck is on a bad run.

For you to even give him the time of day, he should call OW while you are listening and tell her that he is never going to see her again. In this NC speech there can be no "I enjoyed being friends, good luck in life, take care, blah, blah."

"Our relationship was wrong. It hurt my marriage. I don't want to ever see you again. Do not contact me or my wife." 

This should be the end of the conversation.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

clementineboian said:


> Thanks to everyone for support and advice.
> An update..
> Confronted husband when he came home from work today (in the nicest possible way), firm and to the point.
> I do believe that people can fall deeply in love with other people, even while they are in a relationship, and I said I would let him go, as graciously as I could, without bitterness but under the condition that he leave the house and find somewhere else to live ASAP. It felt quite empowering to say so and a bit of a relief (I ate something for the first time in 2 days!).
> ...


Good for you for finding your voice and being firm!! Odd as it may seem, trying to put yourself in your husband's shoes for a minute and understand his confusion. He would be confused, he knows what lies ahead if he leaves and so he is in a quandary. You are right that she might seemingly have the solution at this point. However, if you have the chance to talk to him (really talk to him heart to heart) try to get him to see a visual. The two of you share a child....divorce means sharing that child which maybe you both will agree to but it's not just about the two of you. there will be step parents involved for that child, possibly step siblings, and eventually half siblings. All this, as much as we want it to go well, has the potential to be a living nightmare.

Right now your husband is full of love hormones but trust me that will wear off and that is something that might be worth mentioning to him. That intense feeling of being in love does not last.

On the flip side of this you need to look at whether this is something that you want to try and forgive if he decides he wants to make it work. Also, with him refusing counseling I think this could be hard if you stay together. He really needs to come clean and he needs to understand why he did what he did and he needs to take the steps to make sure it doesn't happen again but without a counselor's help I wonder if he will be able to do it.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> Good for you for finding your voice and being firm!! Odd as it may seem, trying to put yourself in your husband's shoes for a minute and understand his confusion. He would be confused, he knows what lies ahead if he leaves and so he is in a quandary. You are right that she might seemingly have the solution at this point. However, if you have the chance to talk to him (really talk to him heart to heart) try to get him to see a visual. The two of you share a child....divorce means sharing that child which maybe you both will agree to but it's not just about the two of you. there will be step parents involved for that child, possibly step siblings, and eventually half siblings. All this, as much as we want it to go well, has the potential to be a living nightmare.
> 
> Right now your husband is full of love hormones but trust me that will wear off and that is something that might be worth mentioning to him. That intense feeling of being in love does not last.
> 
> On the flip side of this you need to look at whether this is something that you want to try and forgive if he decides he wants to make it work. Also, with him refusing counseling I think this could be hard if you stay together. He really needs to come clean and he needs to understand why he did what he did and he needs to take the steps to make sure it doesn't happen again but without a counselor's help I wonder if he will be able to do it.


VERY WELL SAID. excellent advise.


----------



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

Thanks to all.
I have spoken with him over last couple of days. Strangely, he feels he has done nothing wrong. Odd.
He says I pushed him away and is it hardly surprising that he would seek emotional involvement elsewhere.
I asked him whether he discussed our marriage strife with her. He said no. I asked him then how she could conceive trying to take him away from his marriage and family as she didn't seem like the marriage-breaker-type. He said she definitely wasn't but couldn't answer why she would do that. The conclusion I came to immediately in my head was that they had spoken about our marriage. 
The roller coaster continues...


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

clementineboian said:


> Thanks to all.
> I have spoken with him over last couple of days. Strangely, he feels he has done nothing wrong. Odd.
> He says I pushed him away and is it hardly surprising that he would seek emotional involvement elsewhere.
> I asked him whether he discussed our marriage strife with her. He said no. I asked him then how she could conceive trying to take him away from his marriage and family as she didn't seem like the marriage-breaker-type. He said she definitely wasn't but couldn't answer why she would do that. The conclusion I came to immediately in my head was that they had spoken about our marriage.
> The roller coaster continues...


of course they have. most likely not just now, but in the past. all sort of history re-writing for sure.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

clementineboian said:


> Thanks to all.
> I have spoken with him over last couple of days. Strangely, he feels he has done nothing wrong. Odd.
> He says I pushed him away and is it hardly surprising that he would seek emotional involvement elsewhere.
> I asked him whether he discussed our marriage strife with her. He said no. I asked him then how she could conceive trying to take him away from his marriage and family as she didn't seem like the marriage-breaker-type. He said she definitely wasn't but couldn't answer why she would do that. The conclusion I came to immediately in my head was that they had spoken about our marriage.
> The roller coaster continues...


WAS there problems in your marriage before? Or is this the fog of magic thinking?


----------



## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Please! Please! Expose this! Tell his family, tell everyone on her Social media that the poor widow is already over the loss of her husband and is stealing yours!
I promise you they will scurry like ****roaches in the light!
Hold your head up!


----------



## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

You seem a little too calm and understanding- the complete opposite of how I would be. I get it, he's confused, well I would help make his decision for him and kick him out anyway. Have you thought for a minute that maybe his ''confusion'' is him buying time until he can leave? A little too coincidental that he is now confused after you tell him you want him out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you good luck.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No man buys a car without first taking it for a test drive. Just saying.

If he thinks he has done nothing wrong, then he has no remorse. 

File for divorce.

And lets just say this was a legitimate relationship. She would say, I love you and I know you love me. I also know you love your daughter. Since I have no children, I will make the effort, over the next 3, 6, 12 months to find a new job and relocate to your area, so you can be near your young daughter.

Nope, instead she's making him move away,give up his job, and take him from his young daughter. And he is going along willingly. His lust for her is overriding all judgement. Tells you exactly the kind of guy you married.

Divorce him.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> No man buys a car without first taking it for a test drive. Just saying.
> 
> If he thinks he has done nothing wrong, then he has no remorse.
> 
> ...


^^This.

I'm so sorry OP, but your husband has zero remorse for his behaviour. Regardless of any problems in your marriage, HE CHOSE to cheat and involve a third party. That's ALL on him. If you're not happy in your marriage you get happy or you get out, but you don't cheat. Full stop.

You need to protect your daughter - you must seek legal advice asap and file for child support at the very least while he's still working. PLEASE do this.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Honey, you really need to throw him out.

He may be messed up, but he's also entitled. He appears to believe that he's such a prize that it will be his decision whether you stay married or not.

Give him a dose of real life and kick him out. You do yourself no favors by letting him indulge his narcissism.


----------



## clementineboian (May 5, 2015)

In response to PhillyGuy13, you do make valid points and thank you for that.
The reason that bit of 'the conversation' would not happen however is because she supported her sick husband before he died for many years when he didn't work. Has a high-flying job and a good income. She could easily support my husband. 
Our marriage has been rocky to say the least for a long time but the last few months he has completely withdrawn from me and our family (just going through the motions) and any efforts on my part to reclaim some form of connection have fallen flat. Thinking he needed space, I gave him tons and backed off. I think actually, that drove him emotionally towards her and probably she found solace too in him. 
I would imagine (that's all I can do!) that she enables him to be compassionate, caring, communicative and open, all the things that I cannot enable in him...
Thanks as always to everyone for your support and advice.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Shut the damned water off to him as far as sex is concerned ~ and inform him that you can accommodate moving up his projected departure date to ~ how about now?

Get yourself to your lawyers office ASAP and start up the paperwork on ending this charade! You and your daughter deserve far better!*


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

clementineboian said:


> Thanks to all.
> I have spoken with him over last couple of days. Strangely, he feels he has done nothing wrong. Odd.
> He says I pushed him away and is it hardly surprising that he would seek emotional involvement elsewhere.
> I asked him whether he discussed our marriage strife with her. He said no. I asked him then how she could conceive trying to take him away from his marriage and family as she didn't seem like the marriage-breaker-type. He said she definitely wasn't but couldn't answer why she would do that. The conclusion I came to immediately in my head was that they had spoken about our marriage.
> The roller coaster continues...


So he is blaming you for his straying. Take a minute and think about this.....you are unhappy, your husband is on the computer in his free time, goes out drinking with his buddies and spends no time with you and your daughter, you then catch him on the internet looking at porn. What is your response? Do you try to talk to your husband about the issues? Do you suggest counseling? Do you tell him you want a divorce? Or do you seek out an affair? If you choose to have an affair, was that your choice or did he force you into that?

If he cannot see that this was his choice and that is was not about you then you might as well kiss this man good-bye for the last time. He has to come clean and stop blaming others for his actions or you can bet he will do this again.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

clementineboian said:


> Thanks to all.
> I have spoken with him over last couple of days. Strangely, he feels he has done nothing wrong. Odd.
> He says I pushed him away and is it hardly surprising that he would seek emotional involvement elsewhere.


I think I wrote this in another thread, but if you find yourself mentally saying "WTF??" in response to dialog with him, its past time to either call him on his sh!t or, if he still claims (pretends) ignorance, to get out. My ex never apologized for anything either, even blatant stuff that any sane person would be appalled at.

Your H is trying to gaslight you. Distract you from HIS bad behaviour by trying to make you feel guilty and confused. Even if there are things you own in your marriage (and everyone has issues, of course), Remember: Two wrongs don't make a right. As others have said, your H doesn't feel any remorse for his bad behaviour and that's a huge red flag you won't be able to resolve this.

Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Sad story, but I think there is no use forcing him to come back to you. He may come in body but not in mind. You may have to just let him go. He may not have told her about your marriage problems, but it is possible that he was not happy with you, so he decided to get what he was looking for in a marriage elsewhere. They may have started just as friends and she probably did not try to break your marriage. But things can move quickly.


----------

