# Anyone with a workaholic significant other?



## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

I have read so many threads here about people with lazy spouses so I am grateful that my h works...but he works too much. And he is very intense when he works (even at home) so if I say something he doesn't even hear me  I have to get his attention first. Sometimes I text him when we are in the same room just to make a point. Frustrating, for sure. Anyone else? Definitely looking forward to Thanksgiving.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Figures that my husband is the only one like this, lol.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

My wife thought I was a workaholic. I used to take all the overtime I could get. I'm not though. I was just trying to make ends meet, let alone try to get ahead. It was ridiculous actually, I was never comfortable, at home, or at work.. At home, I'd be worried about not making enough, not working enough. At work, I'd be worried about the list of things to do at home, not spending enough time with my family. It was miserable, and incredibly stressful. Focus provides escape from the stress, but also contributes to it. But in the focus, he has control, or at least an illusion of it. 

Have you asked why your husband works so much?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband started a new business a few years ago and worked all hours. It was very intense. It needed to be, but it took a terrible toll on the marriage. Even when he wasn't working he would be thinking about work and fretting about work. We declined many invitations at weekends because I knew he would not enjoy them as he would be wishing he could get work done.

I agree with those who have suggested asking him why he works so much.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I am in no way a workaholic but I work a four day on two day off shift system.

The shifts have to cover from 05:30 to 13:15 and 13:15 to (at the earliest) 21:00 and have to cover weekends and all holidays including being on standby for Xmas day.

So the dynamic is somewhat similar to having a workaholic spouse I suppose.

Before I accepted this job my wife and I discussed what it would mean for us and sought family advice. My mother in law had the best advice, which was to take the job and make the most of the time we do have together.

Although my wife does not like it when I work at weekends or holidays she rather likes the fact that I am sometimes home when she comes home for lunch and I can prepare something nice for her.


Julianne, one possible problem with workaholics is that they can also operate with significant stress levels which can be harmful to their health. Make sure you get hubby checked if possible.

Have you tried laying down the law and telling him he needs to set some time aside for fun?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Was he like this when you dated too? I know I could never handle a Workaholic.. I'd miss my time with him too much...I'd end up feeling a lonely desperate wife...(unless I worked just as much of course)...

If one of your top love languages is *TIME*... you will feel most loved by being with/ doing things with your spouse, feeling his attention.... me & mine are both high in this... he doesn't make a lot of money, but it's just enough for us to do well, pay our bills, have some set aside, take care of the kids needs....and still.. we feel we have adequate amounts of "emotional" time together...for our happiness.. 

Here is an article on this ... Understanding the Dynamics of Workaholism  (it is longer , copied & pasted the 1st half here...the ending mentions "Controller workaholics"...etc)



> *Workaholism is a soul-destroying addiction that changes people's personality and the values they live by*. It distorts the reality of each family member, threatens family security and often leads to family break-up. Tragically, workaholics eventually suffer the loss of personal and professional integrity.
> 
> The key to understanding workaholism is to fully appreciate what happens to an individual's behavior and subsequently character when the Feeling function no longer informs judgment. The emphasis too often is placed on the excessive hours that these people work, yet this is but one of a series of symptoms.
> 
> ...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

My father was a workaholic so I sympathise with your situation. He had no time for his children.

My mother just put up with it - her father had been the same so she thought it was normal behaviour.

Part of the trouble was that my father's work was 'doing good' for needy people around the world (which it genuinely did) so any request for his time was always met with the response ' but the poor and sick elsewhere are much worse off than you are, so how can you ask me to give up time from helping them to spend with you?' A guilt trip effectively.

They were well-meaning people but they made a real mess of their family life.

I wish I had some good advice for you but all I can suggest is trying gently and persistently talking to your husband to help him see what he is doing.

Good luck.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh my goodness yes, my husband is a workaholic and than some it is actually terrible. Well it is Thanksgiving and I am alone again on a holiday. (Every Holiday)!!!
I'm not with my family because my mom & dad have passed and all that is left is my brother and sister and were not close. 

He has two full time jobs by choice I don't think he would want to give up either one. His whole family is like this.

He was busy when we were dating but nothing like this. I was his priority than and now since we married I am not at all. I have told him this and he just gets busier and busier "he has come out and said he doesn't make time for me". He takes me for granted. He promised me we would have a good life together, well he is a very good man, I just never dreamed I would be last place in his life and it would be such a lonely life.

I don't know it sure is hard that's for sure because your married yet live your life alone.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I was a bad workaholic for a long time. It was as I was starting my business. I would never say no to an existing or potential customer. The point where I had to make changes was when my wife told me she felt like a single mother. That was when I learned how to cut hours and tell some people no.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ak41 said:


> Oh my goodness yes, my husband is a workaholic and than some it is actually terrible. Well it is Thanksgiving and I am alone again on a holiday. (Every Holiday)!!!
> I'm not with my family because my mom & dad have passed and all that is left is my brother and sister and were not close.
> 
> He has two full time jobs by choice I don't think he would want to give up either one. His whole family is like this.
> ...


How long have you been married?


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

We have been married for two years and I noticed him starting to make me less of a priority within two months of getting married and it has just continued to get worse with his ever increasingly busier schedule. 

We have no children. But it has gotten so out of hand that we can no longer make plans for a date night and when we do most of the time they end up being cancelled because he's not home in time and even when he is home he is barely awake and I can't blame him but it makes it very difficult. He never has anything left for me. And he will never make any extra time for me, he will never take a day of vacation to spend with me, the only time he takes off is if it pertains to the family business he will take as much time off as necessary and can get it off just like that but if I have brought up taking time off it's just so busy at his work and he needs at least a two week notice so I just never ask him for anything anymore.

I have told him all of this. We have talked about it. I just stopped talking to him about it. I feel its a lost because his work is more important then me because he even though he says to me "I want you to be happy". He knows him never being home makes me unhappy. I married him to share a life with him not to live it alone and he even says, "well I'm trying to make you happy even though I'm never here". So it isn't like he doesn't see it or get it. He just isn't willing to do anything to change it.

And for me even though I know he is a really good hearted man and that makes it hard for him to say no to people and I love him. I just don't know 
if this is a way to spend the rest of your life. Because yes he's loving and affectionate but he isn't being a husband to me and being there for me or meeting my needs I don't believe anyways


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Wanted to add this to my last post. Don't get me wrong I'm don't believe this marriage is all about me. It takes work on both sides. And I am trying. I feel I have been hanging on, fighting and waiting for those better days he told me would come one day. I don't nag him or expect from him, I don't ask him for things. I try to make his life easier and not add stress to it. Even though the situation is tough I really try to be a good wife to him. Even when I think he may not deserve it I can't help it its just the person I am. I'm a giver and maybe that ends up being a detriment to me because I give to much and people end up taking advantage of me or taking me for granted. Like I said earlier I know marriage is work for both parties but it is really hard when you feel like there is only one person in the marriage.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Im a "convicted" workaholic.
In the past Ive worked 70 hour weeks and I openly (and to a degree Im ashamed to say) seems to put work first. However, having been made ill by driving some 2000 miles a week, starting work often at 4am and not getting in until 10pm and still having to read through that days mail ready for tomorrows start I sympathise with any partner that lives/lived with someone like me. However, in truth Ihated what I was doing, I hated putitng my family second, or so they thought because I like many I suppose was the main earning person. The pressure was frequently placed on me by an employer that if I couldnt do it then they would look for someone who could. Its not a good thing to hear in an area where work is minimal and nearly 15% of the adults are unemployed. 

My W frequently asked for days out and Id make time on the week end but I guess she knew that in my head was a ream of data all being sorted ready for when Id get home.

Its a difficult thing to do and even worse to watch a loved one come home completely worn out and know that its all starting again tomorrow.

Now Im in a position where I really dont care what an employer says, if I cannot do the work in the 40 hours or so then either wait, get more staff or replace me for someone who may not have the skills I have.

Its the only way to do it. But as the OP says its really not a nice thing. Try talking about his work load, see what hes having to do and why. It may supprise you that there will be a note of dislike about being a workaholic.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ak41 said:


> Wanted to add this to my last post. Don't get me wrong I'm don't believe this marriage is all about me. It takes work on both sides. And I am trying. I feel I have been hanging on, fighting and waiting for those better days he told me would come one day. I don't nag him or expect from him, I don't ask him for things. I try to make his life easier and not add stress to it. Even though the situation is tough I really try to be a good wife to him. Even when I think he may not deserve it I can't help it its just the person I am. I'm a giver and maybe that ends up being a detriment to me because I give to much and people end up taking advantage of me or taking me for granted. Like I said earlier I know marriage is work for both parties but it is really hard when you feel like there is only one person in the marriage.


That's not a healthy situation (duh, as if you didn't know). Why does he feel the need to work so much? You say it is normal in his family. Have you attempted to get him to connect with how it felt for him growing up to be less important than a second job? Does he feel financial pressure? I know for us, one of the stresses was trying to get by on a single income in a dual income society. Couple that with a lack of persistent communication about budgets, finances, and goals, and we created a pretty good recipe for misunderstanding, resentment, and disconnection. If you continue on the path you're on, you'll end up as bad roommates, and perhaps worse. 

Life is too short for that, believe me. Do not get pregnant before this issue is resolved. Seriously. Have you tried any marriage counselling? Individual counselling? Read any books?


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

It's not financial pressure he makes very good money at his main job he works 55 hours a week M-F. It's the family business were all the pressure is he works there 7 days a week, 4 hours in the morning before he goes to his regular job and he still continues to go there after work he usually gets off at 6 but doesn't get home till after 8 or better so we never get to eat suppers together except on the weekend because I refuse to wait till 9 to eat.

He works at the family business 7 days a week, he puts in 50+ hours a week there he works M-F and all day Saturday and Sunday and every holiday all day long it consumes his whole life, everything is expected out of him he does all the running for it, almost all the calling for it and now they did an expansion that was supposed to make it better and make our lives better and it has only made it so much worse 4 months in. He is controlled by his older brother. This family business is supposed to be run by him, the mom and the brother but he has no say at all and just does what ever they tell him to do and runs himself ragged and has been working since he was a little boy by the sounds of it. He truly knows nothing else. So as much as I am frustrated I am also sad for him because there is a whole life out there he isn't seeing.

We both have worked only recently did I take a on call position but there still are no financial pressures.

I brought up couseling to him almost a year ago now and he told me no whatever the problem was we could fix it. I have read so many books. I have gotten us videos, he falls asleep. I am no angel but I truely have tried.

Like I mentioned in a earlier post he was busy when we were dating but I was his priority then and he acted accordingly and he said all the right things considering he did tell me that his time issue had been a problem in his past relationship and yes that should have been a red flag for me but foolishly I believed him when he told me that he was older and wiser now and that he had learnt from his past mistakes and he would never let that happen with me and that he wanted a life with me and we would talk at length about things we wanted to do and places we would like to see, he actually wanted something different and that is just all gone. Now if he talks about going somewhere he is like oh I wonder if I would get all ancy and be like I want to go home. So not the way he was when we were dating. 
I know he didn't learn a thing from his past relationships at all because he is more than willing to loose me for this and he has said on more than one occasion that "he knows his days with me are numbered and there is nothing he can do about it".

The worst example I have of his messed up priorities is I lost my mom a few months ago she was on hospice I had been with her for days, it was early in the morning so I texted him to let him know, he called me and left me a mesage, (this was on a Saturday) he went and worked at the family farm the whole day while I sat alone. When he got home I was upset, his response was he thought he was doing the right thing, crazy but to me the right thing would have been being there for my mate and nothing would have kept me away from them in that time of need.

I feel lost alot. My dad has been gone for years and my mom just recently passed to so all that is left is a sister and brother that have no time for me really we rarely talk and then I married someone who I believed because he promised me that he would love me and wanted to share and have a life with me and once we said I do I just got discarded and he had no time for me anymore. I feel so alone in this world. I was always told growing up life isn't going to be easy or fair. I just didn't realize it would seem like never ending hard life lessons. I'm sorry this got a little long I guess I just needed to vent a little, I really have no where to go with it. Thank you all for your replies and for the listening ear!!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Have you asked where he is going with all this? What's the point in it for him? Sounds like he might not even know. What is important to him? (The answer to you is obvious, but maybe he has some cognitive dissonance going on). Him saying he can't do anything about it is a total cop out. Utterly disrespectful. He has choices. So do you ultimately. Remember that. You can choose not to be taken for granted. You can choose to terminate your marriage (before you meet someone who pays attention to you, who says all the right things, before you compromise yourself beyond accepting shoddy treatment from your husband). Maybe real consequences will elicit real self examination and genuine change from your husband. Maybe not. One thing is certain, if you continue on the path you are on, you will be lonely, miserable, and wondering what the hell went wrong.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Remind him of his promises. Ask him what changed? Or did nothing change and he was just lying?


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh I have asked him what he wants out of this and he always says the same thing. He wants me to be happy but he knows the situation makes me unhappy and he has said he tries to make me happy even with him never being here, well that is just dumb.

He claims that I am important to him but he has a real funny way of showing it considering he never wants to upset anyone or let anyone down but if he has to it always ends up being me. I know he has choices it is just easier for him to go on this way and he takes for granted the fact that I love and care for him. 

I have reminded him of his promises and he says "I still want that but theres just so much going on and theres so much to do". That will always be the excuse. Just like he told me the week my mom passed away when I got frustrated and told him I was dealing with her being sick by myself for a month with no support from him he told me "I make time all the time maybe just not for you". Than he wonders why I'm hurt and feel like I'm last on his list, really, how else should I feel? So I think he was just feeding me lines back than to be honest to get me to fall further for him because when I look at it now it's such a change, I just feel so stupid because I so wanted to believe he was being genuine with me and honest and it was a good act for along time just shy of two years but than to end up with this.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Well, now you have the blinders off. I suggest you have that conversation again. The difference being you do not avoid conflict. My guess is he would desperately want to avoid conflict, but no, go directly into it. Call him on his bull****. Tell him it's time to put up or shut up. Time to grow up and be the husband he promised to be, or to stop lying about it. Blow away his cover. Take away his room to wiggle out of his obligation to you. Make the choice stark, black and white. Then listen to him when his actions demonstrate his choice. You should get the answer in fairly short order if you draw a hard line and stick to it. Remember, you're doing your part to save your marriage by doing this. He has to do his as well. He will have to step up and lead the marriage in a different direction. He needs to figure his life out.


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