# Scared of the unknown



## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Hey everyone 

This is my first post. I have just joined this forum ,and really hope someone can help me. 

I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 8 months. We had an ok relationship for a year and it all went strange after 6 months we have moved in together. On different occasion , I have caughed inapropriate text messages on his mobile, with a girl he once knew when he was in high school, but who was not living in the same country, these text were saying " I am going to bed , wish you were with me" , "I miss you more than you think" ect... 

I have confronted him , and he begged me to take him back he said that he was only looking for attention. I tried to forget. 

A year later he went for training (3 weeks)to the state , and he got another mobile phone while there. While he was away , he called me everyday so had no suspission. Once he left the american mobile on the kitchen counter , and really out of the blue i switch it on to find that he was talking to another girl , calling her "my little flower" also she was living abroad. So I assumed nothing happened, and he was seeking attention , like he readmitted later when I confronted him. We were then in a process of buying a new house , so did not follow through , as i did not want to disturb the process. 

In the meantime ,our relationship was rocky , i wanted him to commit to marriage and children ( I know it seems mad - but since these girls were not in the same country , i though he never acted on them). I waited for a year and then decided to call it all off , as I was 31 and did not want him to waste my time. 
He came back begging, and said that he wanted to marry me , but he was not happy with his job and did not feel that he was ready to provide for a kid(eventhough he was on really good money and I am working too) 
After 2 weeks of splitting up ( we had put the house on the market for sale) , he came back saying that he could not think of being without me , he wanted to change his career, and marry me and have kids with me. So as time went by , the house was sold and we took a house for rent and he started his training to become a commercial pilot ( he was already flying privately). 

6 months after the move , on christmas day , he proposed to me, I was so happy. He was completing his studies and did not get involve much in organising the wedding , blaming it on being stressed etc. He became distant again, and several time I asked him if he really did want to go through with it , and he said ABSOLUTELLY. It was a real struggle to get him to voice any opinion, he did not care and it was ever so hard to get him to go and see people we had too see together... he just did not want to know and gave me green light for anything I was planning on doing. His mum was more involved into this than himself. 

Anyway we got married , we had only a week of honeymoon because of "work commitment" even though then he was free lance. We started talking about children and he was keen to have one. 

5 months after the wedding , we just got back from a bbq at some friend , and he asked me to take something from the gloves box in his car , I opened another little box next to it by mistake , and guess what ... I found a box of DUREX ! condom for the one who do not know. 

Obviously he said that he never cheated , but was really close to do it. So we went for counselling and he did not like it , as I made him feel horrible. 
Now i am sitting here , telling myself having a child wiht him is bad idea , and even wondering if I am not better calling it quit with him. 

I said I wanted to seperate , and he said that he only agrees to it , if it is going to make us stronger. 
He is saying that he is trying hard to get me back , but with no evidence. I am so fed up , but at the same time so SCARED of what is waiting for me around the corner. 

Is there a point in even trying. 

thanks so much for reading .


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

I think so. If you truly love someone then try. But, if he is unwilling then you have to think about his commitment, which from what I read he is not committed. A box of condoms, and he hasn't used them. I don't buy it, if he hasn't used them, he will.

I am going through something similar (my post was Wifes Affair), she has admitted it and we are going to try counseling.

I understand you being scared, I am too. But these are the roads we must take. I don't want to tell you to leave him, because you have something together, but he is not willing to be fully committed to your relationship. He won't go? Then you go by yourself. You will learn a lot and see how to deal with this. 

We are going, I have a feeling it ill get worse before it gets better. Having the person you put all of your trust in break that is a feeling I wish on no one. I told her I had not felt that bad since my mom died. It hurts, but you will get through it one way or another and you will be stronger either way.

Keep your chin up, and what ever you decide I wish you luck.


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Thanks feel betrayed... 

The hardest part is to ask myself do I try and settle for this , or should I try to respect myself by leaving him and give me the chance to have a brighter future with someone who deserves me. 

I am 33 year old ,and time is ticking , I want a family so bad , but do I want him as the father of my children. 
If we are not strong enough with no children , then I guess life will get worst once they are there. 
I am myself from a broken family , and I do not WANT my children to be in the same position , I want to break the tradition ... 

If only I knew how I would feel in 6 months time ... I have decided to move out as I need to pamper myself and get my head clear as I feel that I am falling "out" of love with him.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

The person you marry should be your best friend. This person who hides things from you and lies to you cannot be your best friend. 

Don't make things more difficult by having a child with this man, it's not fair to both of you or the child. 

I am speaking as one who has had many children with a man that is texting other women and has cheated and I can say that children make leaving MUCH more difficult. You don't want to be with someone that is not wholly comitted to you. The only reason that box of condoms wasn't used was because he hadn't gotten to them yet.


Good luck!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Deb is right -- no babies with that guy.


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Thank you for all your support. You are right , no babies. It is still very hard to come to the conclusion that I have waisted 8 years of my life , and that I need to start all over again. It really makes me sick. 

I do not think that we could ever recover from this , the gamble is not worth it. He is not wiling to tell the truth , even when I put the evidence in front of him(condom-email). It drives me insane. 

Also forgot to mention that I have found email , that he has sent to one of his "girlfriend" just 4 months before our wedding , telling her that he was not sure , and that he was unhappy. 

I remember that I use to ask him if he really wanted to go through with this , and he use to get so upset that I would even consider cancel all the plan. I am moving out pretty soon, and to be honest cant wait.


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

This is really helping me verbalising my anger and thanks to you all who have supported me. 

To add to the drama , he came in yesterday being really bossy , and exploded telling me that I was still to give him some money back. He wants me to pay him back for the car that he bought me( eventhough I did not really need a new car) and get into some kind of precise calculation of the spending we have made in the last 2 years. 

Is this really the type of behaviour of someone who wants to save this relationship ( this is what he says he wants to do). I never though that we will get to this.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

This not good behavior. I am sorry to say, but he should be making every attempt to save your marriage. 

Save yourself and get out, it is not an easy thing to do, but if you have someone unwilling to help save your marriage then you need to get as far away from that person

As for the children, good you don't have any. I think this is the ONLY reason my wife was willing to work with me. Otherwise she would have left a long time ago.

I wish you the best. It is not easy


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

His repeated behavior of deception is something that I don't believe will change. You don't actually know if he has cheated, but you do know that he has no problem lying to you. How can you know what to trust or believe? Doubt will always linger, and erode your relationship.

What you describe appears to be far more about selfishness, than his love for you or actual respect for the marriage.

I don't envy your position,


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Maybe he ought to read up on the marriage laws a little. You're not paying him back for jack. What a maroon.


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Well things are moving on , and we are both leaving the house ,and I have found somewhere else to go. I feel kind of liberated at the idea of getting my own space , and getting myself back together , I am ever so lucky to have a few very good friends , that have been so supportive , and it is quite amazing when you start opening up to the outside world , opportunities seem to arise so naturally. 

I feel really good , and cant wait for things to move on. At the moment we are not divorcing , as it is too much at this stage , but I just want to take my time making such a big decision , eventhough , I know in my heart that this is the best thing to do. 

Now the hard part , is that he is trying to make me feel guilty because I have apparently moved on . He has no friend and has a very small social life , I am pretty much out a lot , between my college my work and social life. 

I have had him crying yesterday , telling me that I am enjoying making him look so bad a treat him with very little consideration when I go out and do not tell him when I am comign back and that I am not answering his calls. 

I find it is so upseting , as he is really managing to make me feel bad , when he is the one who messed it all up , I was so devoted to him the whole time , and he had me body and soul ... Now that I am not so available I have became a challenge , and therefore more attractive. 

I am just so tired with it , and was wondering if anyone has been through this before and how is the best way to deal with while you still live in the same house. 

thanks


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