# is he cheating again?



## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

This might end up long and confusing. I need a little advice maybe? Or just a listening ear. The troubles with my marriage have probably always been there. He has never stood up for me or even called me beautiful or even pretty, but that's ok, I know I'm not and don't want a lie. I almost called it quits 3 or 4 years into our marriage because it seemed like he just didn't care enough for me. I went through a few miscarriages and he never seemed to care how I felt. I thought about leaving, but then got pregnant for the third time and it worked. Flash forward 13 years and another miscarriage and two more children. We are still together but we are total opposites. We've been married for 17 years and together for 21.

Things started getting really bad in 2015. We were always arguing, never agreed on much of anything. I had some health issues, was always catching the kids sicknesses, the kids were always getting sick. Our sex life was really suffering. Who feels like sex when they're exhausted from taking care of sick kids, or sick themselves, or dealing with multiple uti's and yeast infections? Well, my husband I guess, he seems to want sex more when he's sick. I also need to feel loved and wanted in order to have sex. You can't just never touch me or kiss me at all every day and still expect me to sleep with you. I need affection. So, anyway, things were getting bad. He had even stopped giving me the kiss on the cheek when he left every morning for work. (pretty much the only affection I got at all from him). Which, of course , pushed me farther away. Around may last year things started feeling weird and "off" more than usual. He's always been not so good with computers and phones. I'm far more geeky and into tech stuff than him. I started to notice that he always had him phone on him wherever he went and was always on it. That was weird. Then one night he showered at 8pm to go help his acquaintance from work , work on his tiny house that he was building. Showering to go get sweating working? Ok. That was weird. Then, I just knew something was up. He was more distant than ever and always keeping his phone close. One night he made the mistake of leaving it on the counter while he was in another room playing with the kids. I grabbed it and saw a few texts messages from another woman. Then I dug and saw that he had KIK. There were a bunch of texts from her there. I found photos in the cloud that he had texted her. He was so clueless he didn't know how to hide anything. I screen shotted the proof and confronted him a few days later. He had been sexting this woman for weeks and had sex with her the night before I found out. (weirdly enough it wasn't when he showered to go work on the house). He had posted an ad on craigslist looking for someone to sext with. It was hard. We have three kids, two weren't even in school yet. I need to be the one to stay home with them until they're in school. Day care is awesom for other people, but I personally want to be the one raising and seeing my kids all day. I didn't want to destroy our family so we were working on our marriage. Communicatio was horrible for us always and we were working on it. Ups and downs but I thought it was getting better. I also found out that in 2014, on a business trip overseas, he got a little touchy feely with a few women and may or may not have slept with one. He was too drunk to remember, but there were things in the hotel room that were weird.

Earlier this year, things were better off and on. I thought they were getting better. Again, more constant uti's and yeast infections and sicknesses make it hard to be intimate a lot, but I was trying. We were on our way home from vacation 14 hours away and the kids were getting tired, no way we were going to make it home without stopping. We decided to get a hotel. I couldn't get my phone to work so I tried his. When I was using it, it froze and I hit the button to bring up the list to clear the apps that were running and saw an email from another woman on craigslist. He was emailing again! I confronted him a few days later. He said he was only looking for a friend, just a penpal. He didn't care if it was male or female, just someone to talk to. I told him, no, he was looking for a sex penpal. He claimed he had emailed that one because he knew it was spam and he wanted to make sure in order to flag it on craigslist. Yeah, ok, whatever. I was too tired and had other stuff going on. My grandma was in and out of the hospital and I had too much other stuff to deal with. That was March.

Life went downhill from there. He lost his job in April. Couldn't find work. Has a temporary job for half of what he was making. We had to cash out his 401k because we couldn't pay the bills which put us just over the limit for any government help. My grandma died in April. I got in a hugh fight with my family and cut them out of my life for good. Other issues with them. My mom had her second hip replacement almost a month ago. She lives alone and I'm the only one who can help her. She's had trouble and leaking and infection since then. i'm over there twice a day. But I thought we were doing ok. Yeah, we still had to deal with more uti's and yi, but sex was getting better. I thought we were doing well. We've tried spicing it up a bit. We were talking about fantasies one night and he mentioned another woman while I watched. I was really in the mood and mentioned it might be a turn on. Ok, that was a lie, but I'm trying to spice things up and he hates how I never dirty talk and he always does. Didn't think anything of it. A few days ago he said he had something to confess. He put an ad on craigslist for a threesome. Well, him with another woman and me watching. Wait, what!?!?!?! He had a few responses. I kind of didn't say anything, I was in shock. I haven't been checking his email, but after that I did. There wasn't anything in it. Weird, because he showed me the email. Was in his deleted or recovered deleted messages. I realized he must be using another email. I managed to get his phone and checked , sure enough, he's using another email address. He's been emailing another woman about a threesome! He's also redownload KIK. A few days ago he was texting a different woman on there. Now, when I check it, it's logged off so I can't see. I'm scared to try to guess a password because I don't want him to know. The one from his email is one he didn't show me, it was a different couple.

He's back to giving me a kiss on the cheek in the mornings. He seems distant again. Always has his phone close again. What do I do? I just have that feeling that somethings going on again. I don't think he's physically cheating, but I think he's chatting with someone. But I don't have proof. We're going out of town this weekend. I'm hoping for a chance to look again, but don't know if I'll get one. This not knowing is driving me insane. If he's sexting again, that's it. We're done. I don't know how I'll do it with no job and zero job skills, but I can't live with someone who is always looking for another.. I wish I could get proof that he's sexting someone else. He's on his phone all the time and nothing is showing up in either email. It has to be kik. I don't invade his privacy all the time. The only times I've ever done it is when I just knew that something was off. And I've been proven right so far. :-( 
I've even thought about answering his ad on craigslist pretending to be someone else, just to see how far he'd take it. :-( I don't want a threesome. Why can't I be enough for him?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I don't think he's ever stopped cheating in one way or the other.

not at all. Whether it's sexting, flirting or having sex, sounds like he's never stopped.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Please look into whatever regional social services you have available (YWCA, Community health) and see about counseling options... you need to begin looking after yourself so you can healthily look after your children.

I'm going to sound a bit personal, and I'm no medic, but that many UTI's and yeast infections sure don't sound natural... how clean is your husband? If he is cheating to any extent like that I'd reduce the things that might introduce these infections while eating healthy and drinking more cranberry juice and water (my wife does work in health care, this is her go-to advice for family)

If you separate and file for divorce, you will be able to access many programs that offer a hand up... find the programs that offer single parents an education or vocational skills... lead your children to a better life.

Begin loving yourself...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't think he ever stopped either. Why are you putting up with this?? The man is a sleaze....don't you think you deserve better?? Your UTI issues could be an STD from his cheating! 

My advice...be done. File for divorce. This is not worth saving.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Unless you live in a state/country where proof of infidelity is beneficial in divorce settlement finding out more about his affair is of little value. Suffice it to say that he has in the past, and is currently cheating. So the ball is in your court. What do you want to do?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I'm going to sound a bit personal, and I'm no medic, but that many UTI's and yeast infections sure don't sound natural... how clean is your husband? If he is cheating to any extent like that I'd reduce the things that might introduce these infections while eating healthy and drinking more cranberry juice and water (my wife does work in health care, this is her go-to advice for family)


Of course he's still cheating. Stop wondering and start leaving him. In fact, based on your vaginal health history, I'd bet he's been cheating all along. You don't need any more proof.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Getting UTI's and yeast infectons?

You may be getting them from the "He" that gets them from the "She".

Someone else's "Flora" is foreign to you. It can cause these things.

Make sure that any man that gets intimate with you washes up first, brushes his teeth and uses strong mouthwash.

He is the only man that gets close to you, he is dirty between the ears and dirty everywhere else.

Beauty? You are not pretty? After familiarity takes root, one's personality counts [twice more] than a pretty face. 

Believe this.

Dump him. 

Dump your hard edge. Save it for Jerk Street, not Main Street.

Be nice, kind and considerate and the beaus will flock to you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Of course he's still cheating. Stop wondering and start leaving him. In fact, based on your vaginal health history, I'd bet he's been cheating all along. You don't need any more proof.


Based on the OP's sharing, I don't doubt the infidelity... it's the unknown extent to which he is introducing infections that is more alarming. 

I find the lack of respect a horrid reflection of who he is.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Start getting your ducks in a row and then leave him.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Does it matter if he is AGAIN? You have plenty to leave him over already. I am not generally a proponent of divorce. Even after infidelity- and yes, I felt that way before I myself cheated. I told my husband if he ever did, I'd cut his balls off, but I wouldn't have left him had it been an isolated incident. My theory has always been that once is a mistake, multiple times is a choice. What you have here is a husband who made a CHOICE, repeatedly to cheat on you and after being caught - continues to exhibit the same behavior. Please find the strength to leave him. If you are dead set on staying - please find the strength to stop sleeping with him and resign yourself to being roommates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce is the key to your future happiness.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Ok, so your husband placed an ad to find women to sleep with him as you watch, right? And he is getting responses. What do you think he is emailing about with these women? The weather? 

Just the act of your husband placing that ad was cheating! Resonding to the women that have emailed him was cheating! And he most likely would want to try them out before the grand performance in front of you. That may or may not have happened yet but he is way beyond cheating already even if he has not physically met them yet. But think about it - why woukd they not have met by now? These are cheap, immoral, degenerate people placing and responding to casual sex ads on CL (your husband being one of them).


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MySide;16859402 [/QUOTE said:


> We were talking about fantasies one night and he mentioned another woman while I watched. I was really in the mood and mentioned it might be a turn on.
> 
> Ok, that was a lie, but I'm trying to spice things up and he hates how I never dirty talk and he always does.
> 
> Didn't think anything of it. A few days ago he said he had something to confess. He put an ad on craigslist for a threesome. Well, him with another woman and me watching. Wait, what!?!?!?!


 You made a mistake telling him that watching him with another woman would be a turn on. In his mind, saying that is as good as agreeing to it.

He's not "talking dirty". He's throwing out ideas and fantasies he wants to try.

What do you mean "Wait, what!?!?!?!" You KNOW your husband is not monogamous and has been cheating on you regularly. Did you honestly think he wouldn't be up for doing it with you there consenting to it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you willing to consider leaving him? You'd probably be better off financially.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I advise you get a counselor and start seeing them. Work on you. The counselor will help you with your self esteem and confidence, because that is what you need in order to leave him. You can also look into a vocational program so that you can obtain some job skills.

You deserve so much better than him. 

I agree with the others too - first stop: get tested for a STD.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Is your husband cheating on you?"

Not certain that is entirely relevant because the rest of your husband's poor and bad attitude towards you are grounds for divorce in themselves.

Lawyer up, get STD/HIV tests, arrange for therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

Well, I talked to him a little bit. *Told him that I really didn't want a threesome. *Asked him how he would feel if it was reversed and I wanted to add another guy. *He said he's more ok with that then I would think, but there would be rules. *I got into his kik account. but everytime he logs out it erases messages so that was pointless. *I've been emailing as another woman to his ad on craigslist. *He told me that he kept getting emails because of the ad. *At least he's not hiding that. *He says we don't have enough sex. *Which, is absoultely true. *I don't argue that. *But he wants me to initiate it a lot more than I do and I'm not comfortable with that. *Am I suppose to wave a magic wand and suddenly get in the mood and hop on him all the time? *I don't feel loved by him, haven't in a very long time. *He never touches me or kisses me. *I get a peck on thhe lips or forehead when he leaves for work, that's it. *He comes home from work, talks for hours about himself, never asks if I have something to say or how my day was. *I need to feel wanted and loved in order to have sex. *And I don't feel either from him. *I don't know how to fix this. *I don't know if I want to. *After we talked he emailed the current woman he was emailing about a threesom (which was me in disguise) and said "*Sorry to hear about the relationship. I also have to sincerely apologize to you. I may have wasted your time. I believe my wife has gotten cold feet on this adventure. (which sucks for me...) I knew it was too good to be true. Lol. Thanks for the response, though. I'll let you know if anything changes. Also, you are absolutely gorgeous!! I had to say it. Don't let anyone else convince you otherwise. " *He has never in 21 years together called me gorgeous, beautiful, or even pretty. *I have only gotten nice or cute, that's it. *He's told other women they were beautiful, etc too. *Why is it so easy for him to complement other women and not me? *And I can't tell him why is he complementing other women and not me because then he'll know I know his other email and I'll never catch him. *He wants more sex all the time. *I thought we were doing better homestly. *I was trying more, it was happening more, but apparently its not enough. *And it's not adventurous enough. *I wore the stupid vibrating panties in public to a restaurant, what more does he want! *He wants more and for me to do the initiating. *Thats not me, especially if I feel he doesn't want me or love me. *Maybe if he'd stop looking at porn he might settle down a bit. He hasn't been cheating all along, I'd know. I've gotten tested and I'm clean, didn't even show a uti (even though I still have symptoms).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Disgusting. And guess what, you cant fix it. So welcome to the next 30 years of your life unless you get out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this to him, or print it out and hand it to him:
*During the initial stages of infatuation and love, chemical changes in the brain (PEA) create an intense level of sexual desire and passion. Everything is on fire. Chemistry provides sexual arousal without any need to communicate sexual preferences or create sexual desire. Sexual problems related to early childhood abuse, negative attitudes, sexual inhibitions, or a low libido which may be overpowered by early passion often re-surface when the fire simmers down.

Over the years, underlying resentment or open hostility can quench sexual desire. Although one person may feel relieved after a verbal battle, the other harbors psychic wounds which accumulate and create a sense of numbness and lack of sexual desire.

Sexual desire usually represents a more romantic, interpersonal experience for women than for men. Women need to feel emotionally connected before sexual intimacy, whereas men tend to feel more emotionally connected after sex. In a classic Mars/Venus situation, a non-verbal male fails to connect by sharing affection, thoughts, and feelings before bedtime and is subsequently rejected sexually by a female partner whose sexual desire has evaporated along with the disappearance of verbal and affectional intimacy.*
http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_sex.htm

And here's a good article you can give your H to explain why he's not getting enough.
?Not Tonight Dear? Why Couples Stop Having Sex (and what you can do about it) | The Psychology Lounge ?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Disgusting. And guess what, you cant fix it. So welcome to the next 30 years of your life unless you get out.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

You are wasting your time with this..............................'man'.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

he just told me that he feels I was never doing 50% of sex. Sex should be 50/50 and I guess I haven't been doing my share during sex. Ever. In the 17 years we've been married I've never done my fair share in the bedroom. Kinda thought I was, I mean I don't exactly just lay there and I often do things I'm not even comfortable with for him to please him...... That hurt. Why is it always my fault and not his?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Because he is a sleaze.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry you are in this situation and are being mistreated by the man you love.



MySide said:


> he just told me that he feels I was never doing 50% of sex. Sex should be 50/50 and I guess I haven't been doing my share during sex. Ever. In the 17 years we've been married I've never done my fair share in the bedroom. Kinda thought I was, I mean I don't exactly just lay there and I often do things I'm not even comfortable with for him to please him...... That hurt. Why is it always my fault and not his?


It's called blame shifting so he doesn't have to bear the responsibility for his actions and attitudes. 
Your husband is mean.
Your husband is telling you that he cheats because of something you did or do not do. That is a lie. He cheats because he wants to. There is nothing you can do to stop him. If he was with a woman he considered beautiful, he wouldn't be faithful to her either. He will continue to cheat unless something major happens and he wises up. That almost never happens and he isn't showing any signs of the kind of person who would wise up.
Being nicer to him and trying harder to be the kind of woman he wants you to be will not help. He does not have your best interests at heart. Here is an article that might help you understand a bit better. How to Get Your Husband to Treat You Better | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World
Personally, I don't think your husband will treat you better, no matter what you do, but I still think this article will help you understand how trying harder to please him only rewards his bad behavior and makes things worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MySide said:


> he just told me that he feels I was never doing 50% of sex. Sex should be 50/50 and I guess I haven't been doing my share during sex. Ever. In the 17 years we've been married I've never done my fair share in the bedroom. Kinda thought I was, I mean I don't exactly just lay there and I often do things I'm not even comfortable with for him to please him...... That hurt. Why is it always my fault and not his?


Because that's how abusers control their victims.

It's time to educate yourself on abuse. Start with Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

turnera said:


> Because that's how abusers control their victims.
> 
> It's time to educate yourself on abuse. Start with Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.


https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-...1&keywords=lundy+bancroft+why+does+he+do+that

I agree. It's time to start doing some reading to understand what is happening to you. It will help clear your mind.

As far as the infections, yeast and UTI are very often caused by eating too much sugar and too many carbohydrates. If I were you, I'd eat more vegetables. Stop eating anything with added sugar and cut grains down to nothing or if you can't stand it, then one small serving per day. No juice. No soda. No breakfast cereal. If you normally eat cereal for breakfast, start eating eggs and/or meat with some vegetables. Drink enough water too. Herbal teas without sugar are good choices if you need some flavor.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MySide said:


> he just told me that he feels I was never doing 50% of sex. Sex should be 50/50 and I guess I haven't been doing my share during sex. Ever. In the 17 years we've been married I've never done my fair share in the bedroom. Kinda thought I was, I mean I don't exactly just lay there and I often do things I'm not even comfortable with for him to please him...... That hurt. Why is it always my fault and not his?


You have to sit him down and tell him exactly how you are feeling, not in a nagging way. Tell him you would initiate more sex if he would be more affectionate. It works both ways. He doesn't seem to have a clue about your needs. Do the His Needs/your needs questionnaire so that he can become more aware of what it takes to make a relationship work. 
Although IMO as he has already cheated and seems to have sex on his mind, eventually it will not be enough and it will be all your fault, I cannot imagine living like that for the forthcoming years. Therefore you have to consider your options and your future without him in it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Because that's how abusers control their victims.
> 
> It's time to educate yourself on abuse. Start with Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.


Tell it is his fault for not being affectionate and getting you turned on. He is a selfish man.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He is a low down scuzbag, who is such gutter slime, he won't even take the blame when caught. Time to release this one back into the wild. 

If you stay after having all these warnings and proof, then you are a good match for each other.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-...1&keywords=lundy+bancroft+why+does+he+do+that
> 
> I agree. It's time to start doing some reading to understand what is happening to you. It will help clear your mind.
> 
> As far as the infections, yeast and UTI are very often caused by eating too much sugar and too many carbohydrates. If I were you, I'd eat more vegetables. Stop eating anything with added sugar and cut grains down to nothing or if you can't stand it, then one small serving per day. No juice. No soda. No breakfast cereal. If you normally eat cereal for breakfast, start eating eggs and/or meat with some vegetables. Drink enough water too. Herbal teas without sugar are good choices if you need some flavor.


I do have too much sugar and carbs. Unfortunately, I am addicted to Pepsi. I was drinking a 2 liter a day at one point. Now it takes me several days to drink one so it's getting better. The headaches I get without it are brutal. I have been working on cutting down and trying to eliminate it, but it's my stress relief so it's hard. I will work harder. I drank less last week then I did the week before so hopefully I can do it this time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was addicted to Diet Pepsi. What kicked it was oral surgery, where I had to go a week with nothing but water. 

Without resorting to that, lol, try this: For every glass of Pepsi you drink, you can't have another until you've drunk a glass of water. Worked for me pretty well.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

It's not that easy to just leave. There's the kids for one. And I can't afford a lawyer. He's making half of what he was at the beginning of the year and money is going fast, we won't be able to pay all the bills soon. I have 2 hours a day, 4 days a week to myself, with no kids. Not a lot of time to get a job. Especially since during that 2 hours a day I have to go over to my moms apartment and clean for her, make sure she's eating, get groceries for her, take her to the multiple doctors appointments, pick up her prescriptions, etc. I'm taking care of two households, how would I ever find time to get a job? My youngest doesn't go to preschool until 12:30 (4 days a week), my oldest comes home at 2:30. I was going to try to find a job next fall when all the kids are in school full time and my oldest will hopefully be old enough to stay home by himself for a few hours, but that's a long way off. I haven't had a job in over 13 years, and I have zero job skills. I have no talents or skills period. I'm literally not good at anything. No degree except a worthless associate's degree. I'm very shy and introverted and get major anxiety when I'm around a lot of people. I tried to get a job before and even mcdonalds and burger king didn't want me. 

I did write him a long letter last night because he knows I'm better at writing things than trying to come up with something tell him on the spot. I told him that I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of everything.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

turnera said:


> I was addicted to Diet Pepsi. What kicked it was oral surgery, where I had to go a week with nothing but water.
> 
> Without resorting to that, lol, try this: For every glass of Pepsi you drink, you can't have another until you've drunk a glass of water. Worked for me pretty well.


I'll try that, thanks. I've been working on drinking more water as well. Drank a whole bottle the other day, two whole cups, lol. That's big for me, since I never drink any water and hate it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MySide said:


> I do have too much sugar and carbs. Unfortunately, I am addicted to Pepsi. I was drinking a 2 liter a day at one point. Now it takes me several days to drink one so it's getting better. The headaches I get without it are brutal. I have been working on cutting down and trying to eliminate it, but it's my stress relief so it's hard. I will work harder. I drank less last week then I did the week before so hopefully I can do it this time.


Oh my goodness. No wonder you're having infections. What a dilemma. I definitely recommend trying what Tunera did to break her addiction. I’m sorry you’re going through withdrawals. Whatever you do, don’t switch to diet drinks instead. Those have their own set of serious problems. You can do this. Yes, it’s hard, but so is having infections all the time. It will be much better when you get that cleared up.
When you are having issues with UTIs and yeast infections, that means your microbiome is out of balance. The microbiome is made up of all the microorganisms in our bodies like yeasts and bacteria. There are good bacteria that we need, but if we are feeding the bad bacteria, they will thrive while the bacterial we need for our health are not thriving. When you are eating lots of vegetables and not adding in sugar, it helps your good bacteria take over.
If you can find raw sauerkraut, I highly recommend that you add that to your diet. Don’t eat too much at once, but a forkful a day should be sufficient. It contains live bacteria. If you can’t find it, use probiotics. They aren’t as powerful as the sauerkraut, but they will probably help. Stay away from yogurt, as it has too much sugar.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It can be hard to find a job, but if you don't think you are worth anything, why would someone want to hire you? That comes across. You certainly do have talents and skills. We all do. What kind of associates degree do you have?


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I'll try starting with a probiotic and definitely adding more water. I need to push myself to drink more . It's just an associate's in arts geared toward elementary education. I used to want to teach a long time ago, but honestly don't think I could handle it now. The kids I love, its the coworkers and parents that give me nightmares and send me into a panic. Plus, I'm just not very good at explaining things to adults, let alone to kids. I wish I could go back and do something wit computers because I love computers. Give me a computer virus to deal with any day over an actual person that I have to talk to in person or on the phone


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nobody's saying you have to leave now. And since you're not working, now is the perfect time to sign up for an online technical training course. Start with the smallest certificate available, as it will be quicker, and once you get that one, sign up for the next level, then the next. Look up grants and scholarships. Start making plans to better your life so that you no longer depend on him. Once you don't depend on him financially or emotionally, you'll be able to make better decisions about your future, and you'll be able to deal with him as an equal.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

With an associates in childhood education, what about finding work at a local daycare? We have several in our area that offer a daycare/preschool combo and before and after school care for school age children. Depending on your area, you could even take your kids to work with you, they can get bussed to and from their schools to the daycare. And most times you get a discounted rate for their care while they are there.


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I'll look into daycare. I did that for a few months before I had my oldest. It's the adults that scare me...... And I'll check into the technical training too. 

He is so full of **** it's not even funny anymore. Earlier today he told me that he would get rid of the wifi on his phone if it would help. He's very clueless when it comes to phones and computers. I told him what he didn't have was a data plan, but he had wifi wherever there was wifi. He said he'd get rid of the phone altogether if that would help. I said, no, he needs a phone. Not even 6 hors later he came home and was talking about getting a data plan so he could have internet at work!!!!! ARRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! And he told me earlier that he's not doing anything else on his phone except for look at facebook, and play a few games, get the news. I sat there thinking to myself, yeah, you forgot to mention the porn, kik, and constant browsing of the craigslist personals. Should I confess I know about the kik and craigslist just so he knows that I know he's lying? I'm so fed up with it. He sent me flowers today, something he never does. I don't want flowers. He just hopped into the shower and I checked his phone. Yep, more craigslist personals today. Do I say something?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MySide said:


> I'll try starting with a probiotic and definitely adding more water. I need to push myself to drink more . It's just an associate's in arts geared toward elementary education. I used to want to teach a long time ago, but honestly don't think I could handle it now. The kids I love, its the coworkers and parents that give me nightmares and send me into a panic. Plus, I'm just not very good at explaining things to adults, let alone to kids. I wish I could go back and do something wit computers because I love computers. Give me a computer virus to deal with any day over an actual person that I have to talk to in person or on the phone


Remember this, the children will grow up eventually and pretty quickly too.
Do something you are passionate about, if it is computers you can do Open university type courses to get you the qualifications. You may also be able to find work that can be done from home online using these qualifications.
Start building your resume now, and start doing the 180 on your WH. Do not spend any more of your emotional energy on him. If you confront him, he goes underground, just dont sleep with him anymore, you might catch something, start freezing him out of your life.
Would it be possible to move in with your mum so you only take care of one household?


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

She lives in a one bedroom senior/disabled apartment. It's extremely tiny, there's no room for me and the kids and I'm not leaving them. I'll look into the open university thing, but I have no extra money so not sure how it would work


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Grants. Scholarships. Not excuses.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you can't get grants or scholarships, you can get student loans. This is the perfect time for you to start looking into going back to school. 
You certainly don't need to leave immediately, but you can develop a plan on how you are going to provide for yourself and your children. You can start reading about relationships to better understand the dynamic and to learn how to set healthy boundaries.
Have you looked at Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn ? This will help you gain insight into your husband's sexual issues.
Also, I know this is hard, but stop trying to please him. Be the woman that you want to be; a woman of honor and a responsible woman. It takes time to build strength, but it's like a muscle, you have to use it and have courage.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Of course it will be hard to leave. And it will take you some time to get your ducks in a row. Even if you end up staying with him I think it would be healthy for you to get some independence from him. He treats you like crap, from what you are describing here. I think if you gain a little bit of independence from him you will either feel confident enough to leave him, or he will feel less confident and stop pushing you around. I know it is hard with kids, I have kids too. It is hard to feel like you are the one ripping the family apart (even when you aren't), but you cannot stay with him for the kids. Your kids deserve to see their parents in a loving relationship, because if they do not experience a loving relationship between two adults they do not have good chances of having loving healthy relationships in their future, either. Whatever you choose to do, please do NOT make money or kids be the reason you stay with him. Eliminate this problem by getting some skills, working maybe part time for now, getting therapy, etc. and getting healthy. Then decide what to do.

By the way - I was addicted to soda for a long time, then coffee. I have now switched to iced green tea, it's super yummy - especially if you get the Tazo zen (it's kind of minty). It's also really healthy for you. It has caffeine in it so it will eliminate those headaches, too. You can put a little sweetener in it but I just drink it plain.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Myside, how are you doing?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

turnera said:


> Grants. Scholarships. Not excuses.


I do see plenty of excuses here, admittedly. You'll leave when you've finally had enough.

I wouldn't touch this serial cheater for all the money in the world. He's just dragging his filth into your bed from whatever skank on Craigslist he's managed to get his hands on - and you're the lucky recipient with recurring STI's and every other nasty little thing he can give you.

Your question really should be, "has he ever STOPPED cheating?" The answer is no.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

MySide said:


> I do have too much sugar and carbs. Unfortunately, I am addicted to Pepsi. I was drinking a 2 liter a day at one point. Now it takes me several days to drink one so it's getting better. The headaches I get without it are brutal. I have been working on cutting down and trying to eliminate it, but it's my stress relief so it's hard. I will work harder. I drank less last week then I did the week before so hopefully I can do it this time.




Coffee with cream can replace the caffeine you're addicted to in the Pepsi. The headaches could be from withdrawing from caffeine, not the Pepsi. Ask me how I know ...

If you add lots of cream, you may not miss the sugar, and you'll be getting he caffeine. Of course caffeine itself isn't so great for us, but it's a way to wean over, and leave the sugar behind. And coffee helps with headaches because of the caffeine. 


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## MySide (Nov 11, 2016)

I'm doing ok. Having a rough couple of days. My mother in law wouldn't stop pestering me because she knew I wasn't happy and wanted to leave. She was all "anything can be worked out and is forgivable except infidelity, thats the only reason to leave". I kept saying she didn't want to talk about it, she didn't want to know, she kept insisting she did. So I told her some. Now it all, "well even that can be worked out..." blah blah blah. And she's basically making it seem like its all my fault. I don't care if I never had sex with him (which, I thought we had enough, yes, it was lacking at times, but other times made up for that, or so I thought), he's married to me he shouldn't be continuously looking for someone else! It's not the one time physically cheating (yes, I know you guys think otherwise, but I'm pretty sure about this, I know when talking to him whether he's lying to me or not), it's the continuously looking on craigslist for someone to "talk" to that's messed me up.
I'm looking into taking classes. I was planning on trying to get a job next fall anyway. It's still the money issue is hard. I don't think anyone is going to give me a loan, we have a LOT of debt that we are still trying to pay off. When my husband thought about going back to school he checked into financial aid and they didn't give him any because he made a lot with his previous job. They don't look at income now, they only look at income from before, which hurts us. And this next tax return will hurt us too because he had to cash his 401k out to pay the bills, which is counted as income. By the time I'll qualify for any help it will be 2018 and we'll have lost the house and my credit will be screwed....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, you have a plan now, to leave. You're not in danger, so just focus on your training, paying debt, saving money, and setting up connections for work and a place to live. The time will fly if you just stay focused.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

You can take out unsubsidized direct Stafford loans regardless of financial need. Look up the amounts for independent students. Additionally, the college's financial aid office will have an appeals process, whereby you can contest your consideration or lack thereof for grants based on major events such as marriage separation, etc. I used direct unsubsidized loans for my entire education and my average APR is 3%. Please look into this - you will feel much better when you have options, a future, an education that can help you maintain independence.

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Myside, start building a life independent of you WH. Join a club, a group, whatever, make yourself do this. You need female friends!
Open your own account and start saving money for the future.
Do not engage with him, start to emotionally detach.


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