# How many spouses do it just for their SO?



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So just out of curiosity. How many of us do something, or allow something to be done to us, that is a total turn on for our spouses but is a total turn off for us?

Mrs. Conan likes to grab my chest, it is muscular, like a man grabs a woman's breast. She does it around the house and during sex. It kind of creeps me out, is distracting and comes close to making me lose my erection because it turns me off so bad.

She touches me on my chest in a different way that turns me on as well.

The thing is, she apparently likes doing it and it seems to turn her on.

I like to please her so I let her do it and don't say anything.

Part of me thinks I should let her know, but she will stop immediately and I don't want her to stop enjoying herself.

Do TAMMers think I should talk to her about it or let her keep enjoying herself?

Also, is there something your SO does that turns you off but you let them do it anyway?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If I were her, I would want to know. I think you should gently tell her you don't enjoy it.

No, I wouldn't let him touch me in a way that grossed me out, just because he liked it. I would hope he wouldn't, either.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If it doesn't hurt and doesn't actually turn me off, then it's all good. I don't have to like everything and can stand a little annoyance occcasionally, but if it's a turn-on for her, then it's ultimately good for us both.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yep....if it doesn't hurt, and it really turns him on.... then I let it go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I hear ya Happy and agree. It really is a turn off for me though and I think FW might have it right as it pertains to me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What is she doing? Tweaking your nips?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What is she doing? Tweaking your nips?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Buy a motorcycle!

If it actively turns you off, tell her. If it simply is something you don't find erotic but she does, keep it to yourself.

Like FW, I would want to know if I was doing something that turned my H off.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What is she doing? Tweaking your nips?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I might like nip tweaking. No, she dies a sort of groping massage type grabbing thing that is just like a man doing some breast play on a woman. It just really revolts me. Probably nothing really wrong with it, I just really dislike it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Buy a motorcycle!
> 
> If it actively turns you off, tell her. If it simply is something you don't find erotic but she does, keep it to yourself.
> 
> Like FW, I would want to know if I was doing something that turned my H off.


It is a major turn off. If she does it before I get an erection, I won't get one. After I get one, I could probably be shot and still perform but what she does almost makes me loose it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

She's grabbing something she does not have. She's got boobs, youve got great muscles. What if is she did not like to be grabbed...

Looks like it's tit for tat. Work through just what it is your tats don't like. Shes grabbing muscle and gets hot. Ask her to grab one and also down there too. Focus on her and what she does elsewhere. 

Or just communicate. Let her know you're a bit self conscious there. Try a bit lower...


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

My husband is very rough during sex and just about everything he does hurts. However, I put up with it as this seems to be the only way he can get his rocks off and we have sex so seldom that if I stopped him we'd have no sex at all. I put up with it to be able to have some sort of sex occasionally. I have told him nicely that I don't like to be touched so roughly, that it hurts and that I only get turned on by a gentle touch. However, he's chosen to ignore this. It's not that much of a problem now that we hardly ever have sex (when we first got together and had a normal amount of sex, I was left barely able to walk sometimes and bruised down there). Our big problem now is that we barely have sex at all, so the roughness is not something we can work on.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

As a fat kid who grew up with a decent size pair of moobs, that would absolutely disgust and embarrass me to no end. Your later post says you find it revolting, which is a powerful reaction and you really should tell her. It's one thing if you were neutral about it, but this sounds like it's actively disgusting you.

As for my wife and I, almost everything we do to the other is mutually enjoyable. A couple things that proved otherwise just fell off the menu eventually; our sex life is very "is everybody feeling good" centric.

The only thing I can think of off hand is that she rides me sometimes in a particular way that bends my stuff in a slightly uncomfortable direction. I let it go on for a bit then subtly shift the position and have never mentioned it to her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

doobie said:


> My husband is very rough during sex and just about everything he does hurts. However, I put up with it as this seems to be the only way he can get his rocks off and we have sex so seldom that if I stopped him we'd have no sex at all. I put up with it to be able to have some sort of sex occasionally. I have told him nicely that I don't like to be touched so roughly, that it hurts and that I only get turned on by a gentle touch. However, he's chosen to ignore this. It's not that much of a problem now that we hardly ever have sex (when we first got together and had a normal amount of sex, I was left barely able to walk sometimes and bruised down there). Our big problem now is that we barely have sex at all, so the roughness is not something we can work on.


Sorry to here that doob. Mrs. Conan likes it gentle until she is really worked up and then a bit harder. Pain and bruising sounds pretty harsh though. Could you two talk to a therapist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Next time she does it, tell her that you like when she does it the one way, but not the other. Tell her that you're afraid you won't be able to perform if she continues. Just tell her. She would not want you touching her in a way that was not pleasing. Don't settle.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

There is something my wife really enjoys a lot, that actively turns me off. I reserve that for times where it's all about her, and I'm not wanting of expecting anything in return.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Q tip. Good insight. I should have been communicating better with her all this time. I do like her touching my chest and she doesn't always do what creeps me out. 

I just wondered how normal it was to allow something that really turned someone off but their spouse really likes it. I have never talked to her about this particular issue because she seemed to like it. She could probably live without doing it anymore, there are many other things that get her motor running and she often touches my chest in ways that don't turn me off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Doesn't she notice you are losing your erection?

Anyway I would want to know as a wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Doesn't she notice you are losing your erection?
> 
> Anyway I would want to know as a wife.


I never lose it but if I didn't concentrate for a moment when she does it, I would go soft.

I am going to talk about it with her. I am actually going to get better at communication all together.

For the last two and a half months I have seen her about 10 days because of needed business. This situation might continue for another year. We are going to need to get better at LDR as we have never had to be separated like this for our 23 years.

Thanks for your input.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Listen, she might feel like an idiot for not realizing it and she might feel you let her think something that wasn't true and start to question your honesty. This is a simple thing but complicated because of the emotional and very personal nature of sex. If there are other things you will have to tell her about them but don't let it turn into a deluge. You could ask her if you do anything that she doesn't like or likes less than other things in hopes of getting her to feel better but that might not work. She could like everything you do. 

My brain isn't getting particularly clever right now or I would come up with some strategies to help minimize any potential negative responses. Hopefully you will do just fine and others might have some ideas to have at the ready.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Listen, she might feel like an idiot for not realizing it and she might feel you let her think something that wasn't true and start to question your honesty. This is a simple thing but complicated because of the emotional and very personal nature of sex. If there are other things you will have to tell her about them but don't let it turn into a deluge. You could ask her if you do anything that she doesn't like or likes less than other things in hopes of getting her to feel better but that might not work. She could like everything you do.
> 
> My brain isn't getting particularly clever right now or I would come up with some strategies to help minimize any potential negative responses. Hopefully you will do just fine and others might have some ideas to have at the ready.


I appreciate the input Clip! Having all the women give me insight into how a wife feels is very valuable to me. Thanks again


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I would be mortified to know that my husband was tolerating something from me that he found such a huge turn off. 

You should let her know, but gently. 

I'm all for honesty, but in this case could you spin it like: "You know babe, that massage thing you do with my pecs used to not bother me, but for some reason lately it's not feeling good at all. How about you do that other thing where you ________ . That's hot."

If she finds out you've been gritting your teeth and almost going soft all this time, it might start her to questioning what else you haven't told her about sex.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Not a bad approach but if she knows him well she might ask why all of the sudden and want him to elaborate and be able to see he is trying to spin it.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

Too much pec work, feeling a bit sore? Actually I guess that might only work 1 or two times 

In my case its something she wants me to do to her, that is a big psychological block for me and an active turn off, so I try to find other things that are at least a bit similar (in my mind anyway - a compromise)

Maybe this could work the same for you... She's free to touch and rub up a storm, but just ease back on the groping. Seems fair.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*Re: Re: How many spouses do it just for their SO?*



bandit.45 said:


> What is she doing? Tweaking your nips?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like a tiny violin. 

Sorry, someone had to say it.

As for OP's question, my answer is sort of. I do like spanking if the mood is right but an ill-timed spank is never good.

Other than that, for the first month of our sexual relationship, he was too rough when fingering me. I grinned and beared it but did have to speak up eventually. So glad I did because now he is almost better at it than me. If I never said anything we would have both missed out on a big part of sex.

ETA: I am also in the camp of wanting to know if this were me. Bruised egos be damned.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. Conan likes to grab my chest, it is muscular, like a man grabs a woman's breast. She does it around the house and during sex. It kind of creeps me out, is distracting and comes close to making me lose my erection because it turns me off so bad.
> 
> The thing is, she apparently likes doing it and it seems to turn her on.


She probably does it because she thinks you like it. Maybe an ex liked it, or because she likes it she thinks you like it.

Such a shame you can't tell her. 

It seems so..unecessary.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lenzi said:


> She probably does it because she thinks you like it. Maybe an ex liked it, or because she likes it she thinks you like it.
> 
> Such a shame you can't tell her.
> 
> It seems so..unecessary.


I can. I am looking for advice from anyone who may have experienced something similar. The women have been particularly helpful. 

I am, all in all, very blunt and outspoken. I am attempting to be a better husband and lover all the time. Sometimes brutal honesty is just brutal.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There is something my hubby likes, really likes to do to me but I'm not keen on it and get nothing out of it, not physically anyway. But it doesn't hurt and I figure oh well, he likes it so I let him do it.

I was absolutely clear before he did it the first time, that I could NOT reciprocate, and he was fine with it.

I think in general everyone should do everything to please their spouse - unless it's something they find completely repulsive, and no one should be forced into anything they don't want to do, obviously.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> If I were her, I would want to know. I think you should gently tell her you don't enjoy it.
> 
> No, I wouldn't let him touch me in a way that grossed me out, just because he liked it. I would hope he wouldn't, either.


The balance though is that it can be outweighed by the joy in their pleasure. If I were with a woman who was aroused by gently tapping my knee-cap, I would find it a bit odd, but enjoy her taking pleasure. I would certainly not want to stop her.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i think this is a key to a long happy marriage. Something new happens, and spouse hints that they might be interested in something new. You try it. If it turns them on, you do it again, and again.

Like she puts down "50 shades of gray" and asks, "honey, what is a leg spreader?"

She is channel surfing by the food network and says "what is a mimosa?"

she is walking by a italian bakery and asks "what is a cannoli?"

You DIVE IN head first and let her experience it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Whatever floats her boat, don't complain.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I understand the thought behind "What ever floats her boat" and to a certain extent agree, however...

As I said before, there is something that really get's my wife going and off, but is an active turnoff to me. I do it occasionally for her, probably not as often as she'd like, but as often as I can handle. That said, I am not sure the consensus advice for a woman would be to just do what actively turns her off to the point of being disgusting to her just because it floats his boat.

I think many here are of the mindset to do everything possible to cater to the woman sexually, to the detriment of their own enjoyment, not just to give her pleasure, but also because the woman is still frequently seen as the sexual gatekeeper. A sort of men should be happy with what they can get because at least they are getting something. Personally, I won't tolerate that because my pleasure is just as important as hers, and she reaps the benefits.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Men gotta stop thinking that way, I agree. There is a fine line between entitlement and reasonable expectations and that means open discussion is necessary so that both parties understand the difference. 

I think this is another area where maturity comes into play . 

guys play video games for a lot longer face engage in fantasy role play watch fantasy movies and consume porn. What they really need is to engage in the real world to learn some of the social skills required to navigate marriage.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My new wife (1.5 years married) smothers me to the point of being annoying. She lets me do my own thing, that's not the problem.
Give's me freedom to go out on my own, ride my bike whenever I want.

the problem is, whenever I'm with her she smothers me with kisses, always and everywhere. she wants tongue all the time. Even when we are eating. In the elevator. Out in public. the oddest times.I like tongue, but I want to be relaxed and in the mood.

I put up with it though because I was previously in a sexless relationship for years; and almost no affection.

Now it's the opposite. sometimes, I'm on the verge of saying something, but then I remember how it was and remind myself this is sure a whole lot better. I'd rather be loved to death than starved to death for sure.

plus, I just don't want to break her spirit because she loves it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
my wife doesn't do anything that bothers me in bed. Sometimes I will get rather sore hands, or jaw muscles from doing things for her - but her reaction makes it well worth it.

Unfortunately she is very bad about telling me what she likes and doesn't like, to the point where sometimes I've discovered that something I thought I was doing for *her* she thought she was doing for me. argh.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> So just out of curiosity. How many of us do something, or allow something to be done to us, that is a total turn on for our spouses but is a total turn off for us?


My wife is a biter. The more worked up she gets, the worse it gets. 

I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but that doesn't mean I like it. I don't. If it strikes me the wrong way, it will kill the mood and at my age, it's tough to get it back.


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