# DD wy as less than 2 weeks ago...in shock, talk to me



## paralysedwhilewalking (Oct 21, 2013)

Married for 18 yrs, 3 beautiful children, otherwise successful marriage, passionate love affair with my former best friend shrouded in veil called marriage.....now?

We just relocated family from south to north, oldest in senior year and due to corporate promotion for him. Prior to exiting home in south, he met a stripper that excited him. He's been traveling extensive with work due to relocation and the relocation would reduce this...but for 2 yrs, he's earned over 100k in frequent flyer miles last year. But he was good through all that as myself and girls managed a year of trying to sell our home and showings and perfecting home towards sell. 

We all have life centered around my husband. Girls are 14, 16, and 18.

A month before we close, he meets a stripper.

He has diabetes and suffers issues with performance a lot. Takes a slew of medications, doesn't manage his health, and as a result has had difficulty with E.D. for 15 yrs. This is actually his rationale for whole devastating circumstance.

So he meets a stripper and for the first time, he's aroused...so he begins this journey with scattered contact to this girl when he's away on travel. 

My youngest found condom packaging trash (not actual condom) in his workbag and all of us had noticed an increased agitation with him with us since relo and attributed it to relo. But the behaviors around hiding his cell phone and doing quasi-secretive stuff was definitely there. She finds this, I immediately confront him and demand to see phone and computer and find a wonderfully shocking debilitating trail of a man becoming a troll.

my best friend....the man I entrusted my deepest trusts.

In finding all these trails....essentially the bottom line, is he met with this stripper once and couldn't perform. but was intent on being with her. So I am dealing with an otherwise, completely stand up guy that happened to visit strip bars here and there and I formerly viewed this as 'normal heterosexual dude' stuff. So, in his view he didn't betray me due to lack of physical capability.

I crawled all over his emails and cell phone records, acquired all his passwords and blocked all interactions to this girl...she had emails seeking money to pay for gas money if you can imagine. I actually called her and talked to her candidly about why she was trying to get with my husband. So I have closed all gates to this, actually protected him in process cuz seriously? who puts whole marriage, children's welfare and psychological balance at stake, financial position, all when we just moved and all are struggling with new completely different location. Because he was so challenged in telling me candidly and openly the extent of what happened (due to his deep embarrassment), we did polygraph test in which he failed and more information was extracted and all of it pointing to a casual view towards 'meaningless' sex with a 'nobody'.

We've always communicated openly in our marriage and ultimately, all the things we've discussed that I thought were shared principles, this little piece was intentionally hidden.

So here I am looking at this situation, doing my symptomatic gratuitous loss of 10 lbs per week, just stunned in seeing him and this wire in him.

The only reason we moved was in support of him for career...all of us have the greatest anger than he didn't just leave us in previous life and just go do what he was going to do...that would have made this less hard.

and honestly, divorce would have been more clear cut.

we just moved into a new mortgage, home and in higher cost of living....

so what I pack a u haul and go? I have a hard time erasing all the deeply bonded joyful moments I have shared with this man that I do believe to be my soul mate. I have curbed my own sexuality due to his E.D. for years and catered to him as center of my life.

He's saying and doing as all our spouses do, which only makes me more a mommy in this situation with a 49 yr man. The stripper gets to see him as Big Man on Campus, I get the 3 yr that feels bad for eating cookies before dinner.

I have yet to call a lawyer and honestly am torn, but the nature of my own stress, and confusion and contending with all this....I just wonder if any of you have dealt with a husband that has had serious challenges with E.D. I will say, that our love life intensified for the last few months and he claims it was because he was aroused by the OW. Like how do I wrap my head around this warped thinking? 

Does he love me? Yep. Do I love him? Yep. Can I forgive this? Yes. Can I trust him ever again?

Its just so unfair to be shackled with the emotional instability that now plagues my home, my children and myself due to a casual interest on his part in an epic fail fraught with psychological problems, physical embarrassments, and confusion. Even if he never does anything again, is that even enough? 

So waves of hope and apathy hit at same time.

I am even exhausted of talking about it all...but its like daily something strikes this deep panic chord that shows me again something that reveals how intensely selfish he was from the moment we packed our life up and to be here.

I have boxes and boxes of framed pictures of our whole life and now? do I hang them? Just feel like taking them all out of frames and storing for our potential divorce. I am so mad because the stats are so against us....we'll be these feeble emotionally devastated people trying so hard to be what we were two weeks ago, but even 2 weeks ago, we weren't that. 

I honor truth and her work in my life and ask her to sit at my table daily not only in my actions and choices, but in understanding and knowing clearly who, what and where is around me. Lucky me, she is stomping on everything I thot before and a mentor coaches me that life is here to love you....so however all this shock is, its for me. So, for me, it was supposed to be this family and profoundly connected relationship with my husband...now? maybe I just walk paralyzed...to where? I have no idea. My girls are so generous right now to me...much of the details I withhold from them as the nature of this deals with such low-frequency shallow troll-like behavior. I'm not fully sure that my spouse knows how to recover all this with them and there is a strong likelihood a deeper devastation than potential divorce is at hand for him with them.

I've so devotedly protected their ability to know and have him. Now? He's just seeing that time will be needed to heal. He makes no overt driving efforts to help them, I do. He doesn't find any breadcrumbs for any of us to follow in rebuilding our life. We're still in phase one of all this, which is full disclosure and even that, I'm exhausted in standing in front of him watching him uncomfortably shift each conversation somewhere else...to weather, to gps maps, to scheduling vacations and weekends away. He doesn't have any skills in openly taking full responsibility and actually helping any of us get better other than being here more often and telling us he loves us daily. There have been apologies, but the nature of this whole deal has involved me finding every single drop of details and extracted each detail from him like a wisdom tooth...and one that doesn't want to be pulled. 

I actually feel quite impressed with myself in how encompassing I have been in getting every trail. He even confessed he knew he would get busted?! And again, I am confronted with this creature that is intentionally sandbagging me like this is who I want to be with MY LIFE? 

Am I going to love myself and put me first? or make life better for a selfish, psychologically dysfunctioning douche, misogynist, troll and a-typical male needing to fulfill some fantasy around their 'manhood' in the most vile form....

3 out of 4 married men are unfaithful, so I get I am not alone, but only 1% of American men actually go to a strip club to get laid....and I actually feel sorry for him because not only did he try this, but he failed EPIC. He talks to me of how difficult it is to his self-esteem to have E.D., but he doesn't work out, eat healthy and still drinks his beer and watch his football. The Strip club vibe actually goes hand in hand with this cretan....I always thot he was so smart, on the geek side of the fence, so capable, so principled, so well read and balanced and so beholden to me and girls. I'd follow him to...oh, I know, clearly I would follow him to Hell because that's where we are.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

paralysedwhilewalking said:


> Does he love me? Yep. Do I love him? Yep. Can I forgive this? Yes. Can I trust him ever again?


Sorry you are here.

You know the answers to the questions above.

Trust is ultimately the marriage killer.

Take your time so that you won't regret either decision you finally make. Most people that go through this take several weeks/months.

R is often considered out of desperation. It is a headgame and very difficult.

D is often scary, but seems to end the misery.

Read, ponder, and take your time.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Para...

You didn't protect him... You protected your family. This woman is a cancer on your marriage. Your husband invited her in... You may have closed a door, but water will seep through the cracks...

Your husband needs to go NC with her. Is he trying to re-capture his youth or something. He seems to have re-captured the stupidity that all 16 year old boys have. That is NOT a good thing.

His actions could have severe consequences on your family. Make sure you protect your family first. 

I am sorry you are here. DO NOT TRUST your husband to stay away from her. He will probably try his best or look elsewhere to appease his lusts right now.

You and your family are NOT deserving of the pain he has created. A father with 3 daughters. If I had a girl, I could not imagine the pain of loss of the relationship I would have with her due to my own stupid actions. I don't know if this is true with your husband or not.

Don't let him blame you!
Don't trust him to tell you the truth!
Don't expect he will just leave her or others alone!

If her travels, you need to check his credit card receipts and bank account very closely...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I remember so well the feelings you're going through now - the shock, the stunned thoughts of "who IS this man??" and wanting to throw out the framed photos but something holds you back. Having made so many sacrifices for him, you can't believe he'd betray you like this. You THOUGHT you knew him; how wrong can a person be? And in many ways, you feel like you're the only grownup in the room. 

I encourage you to order Shirley Glass' book NOT Just Friends (the title isn't the best, but her son came up with it, and he's more famous than she so she went with it). She's considered the leading expert in infidelity, and this book is very thorough. She explains many of the things that make some people more vulnerable to affairs. And she explains the trauma and grief that you're experiencing. How to consider reconciliation is also covered. Another good book is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Much shorter, it helps betrayers to learn what to do, and just as important, what NOT to do.

Be aware that this healing process is LONG, so it helps to take a long view of this. You can expect to feel very unsteady for awhile - you've been knocked off your feet, and it's normal for you not to have your bearings yet. Be gentle with yourself - this is a time not to expect you to be your best. You've been traumatized. So it's OK to put off any decisions for awhile. Reconciliation can be on hold; so can divorce. You can act as if both options are open to you, though you may lean one way. Just don't feel like you have to decide anything quickly. Be good to yourself, and your kids. Try to be at least civil to your husband, though there will be times when that will be REALLY difficult.

Keep posting - vent here; it helps!


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Helpful info here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Sorry you are here.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> He talks to me of how difficult it is to his self-esteem to have E.D., but he doesn't work out, eat healthy and still drinks his beer and watch his football.


His choices.

Is he afraid of divorce?


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Sorry you're here! Does your H also have an out of control porn habit by chance? People with low self esteem and addictive personalities fall into this so easily. It causes ED, further shattering self esteem and self worth, since they also get in a pattern of hiding everything out of shame.
My H developed a fetish from years of porn addiction to the point that he couldn't perform with a real person. 

You might want to look into 12 step groups and Certified Sex Addiction therapy. H know he needs to go to his meetings for me to even consider sticking around. Sex addiction is a progressive thing and needs to be dealt with now. It sounds like your H has fallen pretty deep already. A experts to look into: Barbara Steffens and Patrick Carnes. They can also help you figure out what kind of help you want to pursue for yourself.

PM me any time if you need to chat! In the mean time, take care of yourself, drink water, eat what you can, etc.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

" who puts whole marriage, children's welfare and psychological balance at stake, financial position, all when we just moved and all are struggling with new completely different location."------

That's the million dollar question. I've struggled with how people will gamble their whole life and their loved ones away for experiences that will be insignificant five years from now but they will deal with the consequences until they are dead. 

I get your pain and I especially resonated with your remark about him not leaving any breadcrumbs to help in the healing and rebuilding. He is not at the wheel. Bad leader, role model, head of the house etc and doesn't know or care how to make repair efforts. It's putting salt in the wound. 

Of course you can suggest all the right books and go to the best therapist but what you really need is for him to be leading the wagon train.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

In NOT Just Friends, Shirley Glass mentions ED: "the increased arousal of extramarital sex can appear to provide a temporary cure." Your husband may have thought the stripper route was going to be a fast, "easy fix" since he didn't seem interested in making healthy lifestyle changes, which are neither fast nor easy.

daggeredheart - You make an assumption that all married couples believe in having a male as "head of house" who should be the "leader" of the couple, and that the man should be "at the wheel." There are a lot of people who find that thinking outmoded and sexist, who believe in a more egalitarian model of marriage - a partnership of equals. I didn't sense in anything paralysedwhilewalking wrote that she was missing the leadership role that her husband formerly filled - maybe I missed something. I'm not so sure that what she really needs is for "him to be leading the wagon train," or anything else. I can tell you that my wayward husband never was and never will be the "leader" in our marriage, and that's also true in most of the couples we know.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

hopefulgirl- ----I meant as it pertains to reconciliation. The one who cheated should do the heavy lifting if they are indicating they want to stay married and asking spouse to forgive them. 

The cheater should not be siting around licking their wounds while the hurt partner is the only one joining websites, finding books to read and looking up counselors in effort to right the boat. She should not have to be the only one doing repair work while he skips off and rug sweeps--- which he seems to be doing based on the subject changes and other things she mentioned in her story.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

OP, are you still around? Keep talking if you need to! We're here to listen!


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

> 3 out of 4 married men are unfaithful,


Among men with high incomes, I would say the percentage is 100 percent, maybe only 3 out of 4 get caught. 

Men with high incomes or high status, such as college professors, are *targets* for women who are looking for a man to spend money on them or give them money out right. 

You said this stripper was asking for gas money? Right?

Anyway. Maybe if you separate for a while, you can think more clearly and decide whether or not you miss him enough to let him back into your life. 

When I started earning a large income, you wouldn't believe how many women approached me for a relationship. They did not care if I was married. They did not care that they were married. 

I turned women down almost daily, until I finally took the bait. 

I learned my lesson. After all a women who only wants you once you are earning big bucks and asks for money, is nothing more than a prostitute. 

After my affair, I appreciate my wife more. I bet your husband does too. 

Physical attraction and love are two separate things. 

You must have been physically attracted to a man, even without wanting a real relationship from him, sometime during your marriage?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey paralysed,-----love him or not---you gotta protect your girls, and yourself

If you have to be hard about what is to come, so be it----YOU ARE PROTECTING YOUR FUTURE, from a man who has a cancer, and who may not want to rid himself of that cancer

1st go to the bank take all marital funds, from any source, and put them in an acct, with ONLY YOUR NAME ON IT, from now on, if you aren't already you pay ALL THE BILLS, OF ANY KIND.

Cut out any excess CC's he has, only CC, should be joint with you, so you can ride herd on the account

Make him sign a POST--NUP, with a duress clause

Obviously he has to go NC, but in all reality, his going NC, depends on him, and you can't trust him already-----he can check in every 7 minutes for the rest of his life, but what might he be doing in these 6 minutes tween check-ins you will never know----the whole thing boils down to what are you willing to put yourself thru

You will never trust him again---especially if he travels for his work, and obviously he has to work, to provide---so you have to decide, what and how much you are willing to put up with, and for how long

Does he show remorse, is he taking accountability, what is being ACTUALLY done, as to a possible R, or are you leaning toward D

Whole lot you gotta think about, but it all boils down to what is best for YOU-------your girls are gonna be outta the house w/in 5 years, and close to 10 yrs or thereafter, you will be looking at retirement---in retirement, you spend 24/7 with your spouse, and thought processes, and things you do, how you spend your time---THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER BALLGAME---100's of times tougher than what you are going thru now

Take lots of time, and figure this out-------what your H, does/says---does not have the same bearing on what you decide is best for you---that is your one and only GOAL


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Paralyzedwhilewalking:

Regarding this advice:


> 1st go to the bank take all marital funds, from any source, and put them in an acct, with ONLY YOUR NAME ON IT, from now on, if you aren't already you pay ALL THE BILLS, OF ANY KIND.


If you want to protect your marital assets, do it the right way, one that won't adversely effect you, if you divorce. 

The right way is to go to an attorney and freeze bank accounts and other assets. 

If you take money out of the account, this will backfire on you in divorce court and you will only have to pay it back. 

Conversely, If your spouse spent any money on the OW, you can often get that money back. 

You can ask the attorney to hire a forensic accountant to look for large or frequent cash withdrawals or other suspicious activity.


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