# Non-supportive Husband



## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

This is my first post here, and I hope the post isn't too "all over the place". I'm feeling pretty low today. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and were together for about 5 years before we married. Both of us have been married before. 

I'm probably not the first woman to say this, but my husband treats me like a roommate. I've been turning a blind eye for a long time and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his good qualities. But frankly, I'm getting tired. The end result of all of this is that I feel worthless. I don't ask him for anything, and as a result I get nothing. I wonder how we got to this point. I thought that being a fairly self sufficient woman would be an attractive quality to a man, but I guess I was wrong. 

I'm not a particularly romantic person, but my husband does nothing to make me feel like I am important to him. I honestly can't think of anything he does for me. I don't think that he is doing things and I am missing them. I am the major breadwinner. I have an "almost" full time job (home based business) that I started 14 years ago. I also worked at a large company for 15 years and got laid off last year, so now I am trying to start a new self-employment business venture. My husband does not offer any help or encouragement. He used to help with the home business but he doesn't have very good office/computer skills or communication skills so I ended up doing all of the work. Now he won't help at all. He claims that he won't help because I have to do everything my way. I understand that to a degree. But my husbands background does not lend itself to the home based business and mine does. So it all comes easily to me. All I want is some help, but he says he doesn't want to "help". I think he finds it demeaning to help a woman. I'm not sure, but I suspect that's the case. 

I work all the time, do the taxes, take care of our dogs, pay all the bills, clean the house, etc. I take care of "us", him and me. My husband does cook, but he does that because he likes to cook and eat. Plus, I agree to clean the kitchen. He never remembers anything. He has a horrible memory and his way of keeping up with anything is to ask me ........like I'm a walking encyclopedia/calendar/datebook. He doesn't say he appreciates anything I do or show appreciation in any way. 

My husband never says anything complimentary to me, although he used to. I frequently tell him that he is a very good looking man (because he is) and tease him that so many women find him "hot". I'm in my 50's and active, so I'm in good physical condition. My husband is 10 years older than me so I understand that he is tired at times. He has some health issues (nothing debilitating) and I am always trying to help him deal with those. He, on the other hand, pretty much ignores any health problems I have. 

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've held it together for a long time and now I feel like I'm going to blow. My husband has agreed to talk to a therapist (finally), but I don't really know that it will help. I don't see him changing at his age.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

My husband is exactly like this. Some men just really, really don't get it. Our therapist used to tell us this is how men are wired and that they (not all) need to be prompted. Women on the other hand are naturally nurturing, have empathy, etc. We always take on that mother role. The problem is that you have let it go on so long, he doesn't need to do anything. Nothing is expected of him. Your best option is to discuss this in therapy.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

I'm a lot like your guy. My wife does everything for me and I let her. She is a control freak and that works for me. My life is so good because of it. I have learned what she needs though. An occasional there, there and a pat on the back so she knows that I appreciate all that she does for me (us). She is very active and needs to be busy all of the time. I can lay around and just enjoy doing nothing. I think my job is to make her happy. She thinks her job is to make me happy.

It takes a real man to be cool with a wife that earns more than he does.

How would you like him to change? Do you guys get away together?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

How were the five years prior to marriage? Was he like he is now?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Is he meeting your intimacy needs? How's the sex life? Ever make out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Midge said:


> This is my first post here, and I hope the post isn't too "all over the place". I'm feeling pretty low today. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and were together for about 5 years before we married. Both of us have been married before.
> 
> I'm probably not the first woman to say this, but my husband treats me like a roommate. I've been turning a blind eye for a long time and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his good qualities. But frankly, I'm getting tired. The end result of all of this is that I feel worthless. I don't ask him for anything, and as a result I get nothing. I wonder how we got to this point. I thought that being a fairly self sufficient woman would be an attractive quality to a man, but I guess I was wrong.
> 
> ...


Does your husband have a job? If so, how many hours a week does he work? What percentage of your joint income does he earn?


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Is he meeting your intimacy needs? How's the sex life? Ever make out?


Sometimes, but not as much as we used to.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband have a job? If so, how many hours a week does he work? What percentage of your joint income does he earn?


My husband has been a self employed general contractor for over 40 years. He’s quite good and has done everything to do with residential construction. He’s has also built custom furniture and dabbled in home inspections. He hasn’t really worked steadily for several years. He kept saying he was helping with the home business, but in reality he only did about 1/4 of the work. He tried, but he really wasn't suited for it. Part of the problem was that he simply didn't have the needed computer skills. I explained it to him that it would be like me trying to go into construction after spending 30 years in an office environment. 

He did spend the last 3 years building a house for us. We’ve been in the house for over a year now and he hasn’t done anything to bring in money. I think part of his problem is that he is depressed about what to do now. He keeps saying things like "Who wants an old geezer like me. No one cares about my experience or skills." I keep telling him that the "new retirement" is working somewhere that you somewhat enjoy to bring in some income. My home based business is OK to live on but the health insurance is killing me. Now we have no house payment but our health insurance costs more per month than a house payment. So that's why I'm starting something else. But I'm feeling resentful that it all falls on me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your husband?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.


 @Midge Is any of what @Mr. Nail said arcuate? If so, how much? 25%? 50%? 75%? 99%?

It's possible that after 40 years of being important your husband feels depressed about his situation and being old(er).


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.



I suspect this is the CORE problem.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Midge said:


> My husband has been a self employed general contractor for over 40 years. He’s quite good and has done everything to do with residential construction. He’s has also built custom furniture and dabbled in home inspections. He hasn’t really worked steadily for several years. He kept saying he was helping with the home business, but in reality he only did about 1/4 of the work. He tried, but he really wasn't suited for it. Part of the problem was that he simply didn't have the needed computer skills. I explained it to him that it would be like me trying to go into construction after spending 30 years in an office environment.
> 
> He did spend the last 3 years building a house for us. We’ve been in the house for over a year now and he hasn’t done anything to bring in money. I think part of his problem is that he is depressed about what to do now. He keeps saying things like "Who wants an old geezer like me. No one cares about my experience or skills." I keep telling him that the "new retirement" is working somewhere that you somewhat enjoy to bring in some income. My home based business is OK to live on but the health insurance is killing me. Now we have no house payment but our health insurance costs more per month than a house payment. So that's why I'm starting something else. But I'm feeling resentful that it all falls on me.


Let me get this right, you had no problem riding his coattails, and now when he need to recharge his batterys after years of working a physically demanding job, you want to complain ? Men NEED to FEEL USEFUL, find a ****ing way to make him feel useful and appreciated and he will come around, and if not, your going to continue to get what your getting.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

DepressedHusband said:


> Let me get this right, you had no problem riding his coattails, and now when he need to recharge his batterys after years of working a physically demanding job, you want to complain ? Men NEED to FEEL USEFUL, find a ****ing way to make him feel useful and appreciated and he will come around, and if not, your going to continue to get what your getting.


Excuse me? Riding his coattails when exactly? We've been married for 13 years and I have taken care of the majority of the bills the entire time. I also took care of them before we were married. He has never supported me financially. Ever! I have never had any man take care of me financially except my father. I have had a full time job my entire adult life. The last 14 years I've had 2 jobs.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Midge said:


> Excuse me? Riding his coattails when exactly? We've been married for 13 years and I have taken care of the majority of the bills the entire time. I also took care of them before we were married. He has never supported me financially. Ever! I have never had any man take care of me financially except my father. I have had a full time job my entire adult life. The last 14 years I've had 2 jobs.


So, you do understand the natural male prerogative ? your response though, says it all. you don't VALUE your husband, and he knows it. 

What It Means For a Man to Provide | The Art of Manliness


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @Midge Is any of what @Mr. Nail said arcuate? If so, how much? 25%? 50%? 75%? 99%?
> 
> It's possible that after 40 years of being important your husband feels depressed about his situation and being old(er).


No, I don't think what Mr. Nail said is accurate. I don't tell him he is worthless. As a matter of fact I've been giving him business ideas because there are a lot of things he can do. Actually, he's the one constantly berating me. That's why I'm so frustrated. I work my butt off which allows him to have choices about everything, and I get no appreciation. I have no choices.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

DepressedHusband said:


> So, you do understand the natural male prerogative ? your response though, says it all. you don't VALUE your husband, and he knows it.
> 
> What It Means For a Man to Provide | The Art of Manliness


What about what women need? It's not important for me to feel useful? It seems like men think women are supposed to feed their egos and they don't have to give anything back. 

Why can't both partners provide equally. What am I supposed to do? Quit working?

What's really ironic is that his ex-wife refused to work "in his words" and he struggled through some hard times. She did nothing. Now he has a wife who works and takes care of things but that's not good either.

I read that art of Manliness article. Toward the end is stated :
"If you’re a married man, you need to have a vision for your own life and for your family. Women don’t want a man who’s a domineering oaf, but they also don’t want to feel like they’re always pulling, and dragging their husband along. They want a man who’s personally motivated, takes initiative, makes decisions, and has a discernible sense of direction and purpose. A man who is always scouting the way to take care of his family and lead them through the storms of life. I’ve sometimes had that conversation with my wife where I tell her that I feel unhappy, and she asks me what I want out of life and what would make me happy, and all I can answer is, “I don’t know.” That’s a failure of vision. And a failure in being a provider."

Sadly, my husband does none of those things. He is not engaged with his kids or grandkids or siblings. He does not feel like he has any responsibility at all to me as a wife. I went to his parents funerals with him. My father died and he didn't attend. He never told me he was sorry for my loss. He didn't give me a hug when I cried about losing my father. He won't make any decisions. When I ask for help or direction he usually says I don't know. He never shares any feelings at all with anyone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Midge said:


> No, I don't think what Mr. Nail said is accurate. I don't tell him he is worthless. As a matter of fact I've been giving him business ideas because there are a lot of things he can do. Actually, he's the one constantly berating me. That's why I'm so frustrated. I work my butt off which allows him to have choices about everything, and I get no appreciation. I have no choices.


So he is not respectful, kindly, loving or helpful to you?

Not all that much as a husband , really?

You deserve better.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Midge said:


> He is not engaged with his kids or grandkids or siblings. He does not feel like he has any responsibility at all to me as a wife. I went to his parents funerals with him. My father died and he didn't attend. He never told me he was sorry for my loss. He didn't give me a hug when I cried about losing my father. He won't make any decisions. When I ask for help or direction he usually says I don't know. He never shares any feelings at all with anyone.


So why the heck are you married to this guy????

Here is what tends to be a red flag for me: When a poster comes here and says "always" and "never" about their spouse. Nobody is "always" indifferent" or "never" kind. You know what they say. There is your side, his side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. I am in no way trying to undermine what you are saying, but if the guy is this big of a screw-up, then why are you even wasting the energy venting about him? 

It is obvious you can take care of yourself. So why take care of him too?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Honestly, he sounds like a real dud-ball. Definitely not husband material.

Might be time to cut him loose...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

@EleGirl



Midge said:


> I'm in my 50's and active, so I'm in good physical condition. My husband is 10 years older than me so I understand that he is tired at times.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept. 

I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc. 

I don't want to be a housewife. But I don't want to work 2 jobs while he decides what to do. We are both at an age where change it tough, but I feel like I have been very understanding of his frustrations and he seems to think mine are silly. 

He doesn't engage with his family and I think it's for the same reasons. Anything to do with feelings or just doing something for someone because they are important to you seems beyond his grasp. 

Example: 3 years ago, I was still working full time plus I had the home business that I was doing 80% of the work and he was doing 20%. I found out in April that my brother in law was dying of pancreatic cancer and my Dad had major heart surgery. My family lives 600 miles away BTW. I was extremely stressed to say the least. I made several trips to see family. I went alone every time. My husband said he couldn't find anyone to keep the dogs and to be fair he was building our house. My father passed away later that fall. It was a very rough year. During that year I was very emotional and stressed. My husband's solution was "Stop being stressed." Gee, thanks. During that summer, I went to the ER with chest pains and shortness of breath. Some friends drove me. I texted my husband from the ER and he said "Oh, where's your car". He never even came to the hospital, which was 15 minutes from our house. When I told him how devastating that was to me he said" What was I supposed to do, I'm not a dr." Really? Turns out I was severely dehydrated from a tennis match in 97 degree heat and the symptoms can mimic heart attack according to the ER doc. So I was OK, but I'll never understand how someone can do what he did.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Midge said:


> Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.
> 
> I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.


I think that your posts have been clear and the issues get clearer with each of your posts. I’m not sure why you are getting some of the nastier posts in reply. 

I was married to a man who is similar to your husband. There are differences, such as my ex could always say think that were empathetic/sympathetic. But he NEVER did anything to help. And yes when I say “never” I mean almost never. Like he would do the dishes once every 2 years or so. That’s kind of ‘never’. I could call him with an emergency, like my car broke down, and he would NEVER even bother to answer the phone. He literally NEVER did things for his own children. I raised them. 

All the while, he spent his days literally playing on the computer all day. He lost his job in the 2nd year of our marriage and did not put in enough effort to find another. So he played for 12 years.

What was my solution? I divorced him. I told him that I was not going to support him anymore. Then I helped him start a small business. He now supports himself.

You want to change your husband. What you see is what you get. If he is not meeting your needs, you are the only one who has the power to at least remove the aggravation from your life. As long as you do everything for him he’s going to let you. As long as you put up with his disrespect and lack of love and support, he will continue to do this.


Midge said:


> I don't want to be a housewife. But I don't want to work 2 jobs while he decides what to do. We are both at an age where change it tough, but I feel like I have been very understanding of his frustrations and he seems to think mine are silly.


So why are you working two jobs while he decides what to do? Your “understanding” is really enabling. So the question here is how do you stop enabling a 60+ year old man who glad to let you support him and does so with an air of disrespect? 

(By the way, I’m 68. While I retired from my corporate job last year, I have a small company that I run. Unless your husband has some serious physical illness he is completely able to work and bring in money. We can talk about later on here.)


Midge said:


> He doesn't engage with his family and I think it's for the same reasons. Anything to do with feelings or just doing something for someone because they are important to you seems beyond his grasp.


Was he like this before you married? Or has he changed over the years?


Midge said:


> Example: 3 years ago, I was still working full time plus I had the home business that I was doing 80% of the work and he was doing 20%. I found out in April that my brother in law was dying of pancreatic cancer and my Dad had major heart surgery. My family lives 600 miles away BTW. I was extremely stressed to say the least. I made several trips to see family. I went alone every time. My husband said he couldn't find anyone to keep the dogs and to be fair he was building our house. My father passed away later that fall. It was a very rough year. During that year I was very emotional and stressed. My husband's solution was "Stop being stressed." Gee, thanks. During that summer, I went to the ER with chest pains and shortness of breath. Some friends drove me. I texted my husband from the ER and he said "Oh, where's your car". He never even came to the hospital, which was 15 minutes from our house. When I told him how devastating that was to me he said" What was I supposed to do, I'm not a dr." Really? Turns out I was severely dehydrated from a tennis match in 97 degree heat and the symptoms can mimic heart attack according to the ER doc. So I was OK, but I'll never understand how someone can do what he did. Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.


This is who he is. Can you accept him just the way he is? I’m not saying that you should accept him as he is. My point is that you are the only person who you can change. As you evaluate your situation, you need to come to the realization that this is who he is. And then you need to decide if you can live with a man who seems to care for anyone but himself.
You are co-dependent. What that means is that you have been putting the needs of someone else above your own. What happens when you do this is that you end up being destroyed emotionally. Here is a book that you really need to read.

*Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself*

The reason that the book title says “stop controlling other” is that co-dependency is a natural reaction to a bad situation. Not the best natural react. What you are doing is you are trying to change him into someone he is not. That’s controlling. You are running around trying to get him to be some else to the point that you have lost focus on yourself. You stopped taking care of yourself a long time ago. And what this does is that it turns the entire focus of your marriage on him. He only thinks of himself. You are focused on him. 
Read the book, it will help set you free.


Midge said:


> I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.


Could you list things that you do for him. Like do you do his laundry? Do you pick up the little messes he leaves around the house?
While you would like a shoulder to lean on, he is apparently not that shoulder. So are you ok spending your life with someone who will never be emotionally supportive of you? Are you ok with living with someone who will not meet your needs?


Midge said:


> I don't want to be a housewife. But I don't want to work 2 jobs while he decides what to do. We are both at an age where change it tough, but I feel like I have been very understanding of his frustrations and he seems to think mine are silly.


You have every right to not be ok with working 2 jobs.
You said that you have given him ideas of ways that he could earn a living. What are some of those ideas?


Midge said:


> He doesn't engage with his family and I think it's for the same reasons. Anything to do with feelings or just doing something for someone because they are important to you seems beyond his grasp.


This is who he is. The feelings are most likely beyond his grasp. So can you find a way to live with that? Or would divorce be better because it can be very frustrating to be married to someone who is like your husband?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You are not listening because you are so independent that there is no possibility that any man might know something that you don't. Bravo! you did it all. Did it get you what you want? Are you happy? If you are so self sufficient, why are you here asking us how to get this Man to give you something? Some wispy illusion you call emotional support. You know you need it but you don't really know what it looks like. You certainly have proven that you don't know how to give it. There is a gap in your wall of knowledge, a man sized, man shaped gap. You don't understand men. We are trying to help you but you throw it in our face, just as you throw your husbands efforts in his face. Because we are men. And in your world men Don't know.

Here is how you tell your husband he is worthless.


Midge said:


> He used to help with the home business but he doesn't have very good office/computer skills or communication skills so I ended up doing all of the work.





Midge said:


> my husbands background does not lend itself to the home based business and mine does. So it all comes easily to me.


This is how he is still telling you what is wrong.


Midge said:


> Now he won't help at all. He claims that he won't help because I have to do everything my way.





Midge said:


> my husband does nothing to make me feel like I am important to him. My husband does not offer any help or encouragement. he says he doesn't want to "help".


This has not always been the case Some thing changed


Midge said:


> My husband never says anything complimentary to me, although he used to.


 What I am trying to tell you is that this change is because of the messages you are sending. Part B is because of part A.

The funny thing about Men is that they will generally be whatever you tell them they are. You have told he is useless and now he is. You have told him his skill are not helpful and now he believes "no one wants an old geezer". So the one positive message you are sending him is that he is physically attractive. Where do you think that is going to lead?

You want Emotional Support. Here is what You need to do to get your needs filled. Be Romantic. You have ignored his emotional efforts for so long because you are not Romantic. Now he doesn't try because he gets no value for his effort. Here is how you Start. When he cooks, it isn't fuel for your business, its his last way to express his love. So you stop treating it as if it is something he does for himself and start acting as if it is something he did For the sole purpose of Supporting you emotionally. You thank him for it, and you thank him for it with your words, AND your eyes, AND your Touch. And when he starts offering other Emotional displays to you, like caring about your health, or running errands for you, or making you a better desk, You see those for the shows of love that they are, and you thank him honestly in every way you can think of. 

What you are doing isn't working and will shortly lead to separation and divorce. The emotional distance is already there on both sides. You don't have long to act.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> Here is how you tell your husband he is worthless.
> 
> 
> What you are doing isn't working and will shortly lead to separation and divorce. The emotional distance is already there on both sides. You don't have long to act.


So he has a lot of skills that I don't. For example, he built our house. I offered to help however I could, but I don't have the skills or knowledge so he said no. Is he telling me I am worthless? I didn't take it that way. It was the truth. He's never worked in an office so he doesn't have computer and office skills. That doesn't make him worthless. Why would it?

When he cooks, it's his way of expressing love and I am supposed to thank him with words, eyes and touch. Ok. When I work and do the taxes and all the other things I do, isn't that a way of expressing love?  He certainly doesn't thank me with words, his eyes, or his touch. 

Sorry, but I can't explain nearly 20 years of a relationship in 2 or 3 posts. You are making assumptions. I have never called my husband worthless. Just because he doesn't have office skills is simply a fact. I don't have skills that he has either. 

I think you are one of those guys who thinks men are superior and are supposed to be worshiped while women simply exist to serve men. When men do basic everyday things they are supposed to be thanked. But when women do everyday things it's just expected I guess. No need to thank them....after all that is their place in life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Is it working?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Midge, What does your husband do all day long?


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

I think that EleGirl made some really good points, Midge. She is right about how it's very unlikely for him to change at this point and not working is an excuse. There's absolutely no reason he can't get a management position with a construction company. That is what all that experience and skill is good for even if he can't work as hard as the younger guys. This doesn't mean you have to accept what your marriage has become. In fact, I personally wouldn't. I couldn't imagine having to experience a funeral for a parent alone because my spouse didn't care enough about my feelings to even come with me and pretend to be sympathetic. That would be a deal breaker.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

.....


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Midge, What does your husband do all day long?


We have a house on 7 acres in the country. His dream.......not really mine. He built the house and a huge garage and woodshop for all of his tools and materials. There are still a lot of odds and ends that he is pecking away at. The home office is not yet finished, and I really need it. He hasn't finished putting down shoe mold in some rooms. The plantation shutters need staining. He needs to fence in the land. He needs to run water to the shop. He chopped a lot of wood this winter for the woodstove. He planted a garden in the spring, but it didn't go too well, so he is reading up on vegetable gardening techniques. He also took up golf and played golf several times per week with friends.

I have told him to go into woodworking business. Or go back into doing home inspections since there is always a need for that. Or do small remodeling jobs or handyman services and charge a minimum service fee for very small jobs that eat up half a day and a lot of gas. 

As an FYI, I am sincerely amazed at his skills and problem solving when it comes to anything to do with building or how things work. On the other hand, he is numb when it comes to dealing with people. He has always been this way, but it has gotten worse. And it seems like the more I do, the less he does. His family was very broken, so he thinks that is the problem. But I think that's only a part of it. After all, the only normal families are the ones you don't know very well. :wink2: 

BTW, I do appreciate your post about co-dependency. What you are saying does make sense. I need to think about that a lot.

And I don't get the hateful reply posts either. I'm not a vicious vindictive person. I think that my husband has just kept all his feelings on the inside and has become numb to feelings because they are hard for him. And it has made him depressed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Midge said:


> Perhaps my thread title was not clear enough. I mean my husband is not emotionally supportive. He doesn't seem to understand the concept.
> 
> I was giving some background information to show that I am not a particularly needy person. But I could use some help with things and would like a shoulder to lean on when I am sick, have surgery, have a death in the family, am starting a new career, etc.


So in other words, you want a HUSBAND. 





Midge said:


> Example: 3 years ago, I was still working full time plus I had the home business that I was doing 80% of the work and he was doing 20%. I found out in April that my brother in law was dying of pancreatic cancer and my Dad had major heart surgery. My family lives 600 miles away BTW. I was extremely stressed to say the least. I made several trips to see family. I went alone every time. My husband said he couldn't find anyone to keep the dogs and to be fair he was building our house. My father passed away later that fall. It was a very rough year. During that year I was very emotional and stressed. My husband's solution was "Stop being stressed." Gee, thanks. During that summer, I went to the ER with chest pains and shortness of breath. Some friends drove me. I texted my husband from the ER and he said "Oh, where's your car". He never even came to the hospital, which was 15 minutes from our house. When I told him how devastating that was to me he said" What was I supposed to do, I'm not a dr." Really? Turns out I was severely dehydrated from a tennis match in 97 degree heat and the symptoms can mimic heart attack according to the ER doc. So I was OK, but I'll never understand how someone can do what he did.


You know... I find BOTH of these examples to be divorce-worthy offenses. Seriously. Partners do not do things like this. Spouses are supposed to have each others' backs, and be the one you can depend on when you are in need. He dismisses you entirely, according to him even your own emotions are invalid and of no significance. 

(It seems you have triggered Mr Nail, whose wife is pretty much your husband, but he wont leave. :frown2: )


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

I do appreciate the thoughtful posts. Writing is therapeutic for me. I have been married before and I guess I am determined to make this one work. I have thought about leaving a lot lately, but I feel somewhat responsible for my husband. 

I think that he has such a huge problem with interpersonal conflict with me (a wife) because he thinks it's too hard. He comes from a background of construction where you deal with your problems by yelling at people. And chatting/talking is not condoned on a jobsite because it is a safety issue. So he has never dealt much with interpersonal conflict other than yelling at his crew when they are careless. 

His family was very closed off emotionally. When we first started seeing each other it was all very new and I was very different from most women he knew because I was into sports and action movies, and I made him laugh. I'm still the same person but in a relationship you go through ups and downs. I don't think he knows how to deal with those so he shuts down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Midge said:


> I do appreciate the thoughtful posts. Writing is therapeutic for me. I have been married before and I guess I am determined to make this one work. I have thought about leaving a lot lately, but I feel somewhat responsible for my husband.
> 
> I think that he has such a huge problem with interpersonal conflict with me (a wife) because he thinks it's too hard. He comes from a background of construction where you deal with your problems by yelling at people. And chatting/talking is not condoned on a jobsite because it is a safety issue. So he has never dealt much with interpersonal conflict other than yelling at his crew when they are careless.
> 
> His family was very closed off emotionally. When we first started seeing each other it was all very new and I was very different from most women he knew because I was into sports and action movies, and I made him laugh. I'm still the same person but in a relationship you go through ups and downs. *I don't think he knows how to deal with those so he shuts down*.


I think that is only half of the problem. The other half is that he has his dream property and you to pay the bills. So he has no incentive to get out and work for a living.

There is another book that might help you. But read it AFTER you read the co-dependent book: "Divorce Busting".

This is all about you focusing on yourself and taking the focus off of him.

Now about him not working (yea I know.. focusing on him for a minute here, but only so that you can encourage him to get back to work so you can focus on yourself.)

You are right that there are a lot of things that he can do based on his skill get. And he does not have to do heavy labor.

The home inspection idea is a very good one. Have you (or he) looked on line about how to set up a business doing this? There is a lot of info out there. What's good about the home inspection idea is that there is no heavy labor involved. He schedule appointments so that he also has time for to work on the land and the house. Plus, if he makes enough money at it, he could hire some help for the heavy labor on your property.

Gardening is probably a very good hobby for him. If he is struggling with it, look into the master gardener program where you live. They typically give a lot of free classes to teach people about gardening. He can get help that way. Plus it might get him out interacting with people.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I feel like I'm missing some posts. I don't see where the OP says that she belittles, complains, nags etc, so I don't understand some of the responses.

OP, I think people naturally map their own experiences onto descriptions, filling in the missing pieces. Are you a really hard working competent woman with a lazy, unromantic husband? Are you an evil controlling person who belittles him at every opportunity? Some people think the first, some the second. Only you know. Personally I don't see anything negative in your behavior from what you have posted. 


A different question: Does your husband have good self respect? Does he believe he is talented and does valuable things?

I've seen failures both ways. I've seen men depressed because they think that they are worthless and so don't d anythign. I've also seen me who think that they are god's gift to the world and that their mere presence for you to bask in is all that one could ever ask for.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Midge said:


> This is my first post here, and I hope the post isn't too "all over the place". I'm feeling pretty low today. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and were together for about 5 years before we married. Both of us have been married before.
> 
> I'm probably not the first woman to say this, but my husband treats me like a roommate. I've been turning a blind eye for a long time and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and see his good qualities. But frankly, I'm getting tired. The end result of all of this is that I feel worthless. I don't ask him for anything, and as a result I get nothing. I wonder how we got to this point. I thought that being a fairly self sufficient woman would be an attractive quality to a man, but I guess I was wrong.
> 
> ...


So your husband was self employed for 40 years as a general contractor and is now in his 60s? It sounds like he's just being an old man. 

You say that he's had health problems but nothing debilitating? You may want to dig a little deeper. What are the problems? Does he snore or have sleep problems? Is he active? How is his weight? Has he had a physical or even seen a doctor lately? Some men don't like to talk about health problems, either physical or emotional. Something may be weighing on him and got him in a serious funk - or worse.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I didn't see it mentioned, get the book "The 5 Love Languages". Both of you read it & take the quiz at the end.

A lot of guys just don't relate to how opposite communication needs can be in a marriage.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> So in other words, you want a HUSBAND.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Right?! Seriously shocked at some of the responses here. I don't care how much resentment you have or how bruised your ego is, if your spouse ends up in the ER you drop what you are doing and you go to them. If a parent dies, you drop what you are doing and you go to the funeral. That's just common human decency. Things I would do for a coworker. 

Also - I can see both sides here and that yea, maybe he is threatened by you being TOO self sufficient (he thinks you don't "need" him). But a grown adult should be able to tell you with their words what they want and need out of their relationship if they are unhappy. I think that is what makes me most angry when I see men chiming in that he's been giving you hints that he's checked out. "Hints" and the associated behavior of sulking and withdrawing from you are childish. A grown adult should tell you plainly that they are unhappy and what you did to contribute to that, so that it can be fixed.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> So why the heck are you married to this guy????
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She's just frustrated and venting, that's why it's coming off the way it is. Your portraying her in a terrible light.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I completely disagree with @Mr. Nail

I understand the OP. She doesn't want to divorce him, she loves him, she is just frustrated and I understand why. When men are flailing... they do one of 2 things, get motivated and let it drive them. OR it makes them depressed, feel worthless and they play pitty party. I mean really... is it too much to ask for some help? Is he that insecure that he can't tell his wife she's Doing a great job, he appreciates her, he thinks she a hot sexy piece of ass. No it's not.

He seems depressed. He may need you to help inspire him and put some life into him. Unfortunelty the saying goes... when your man is down and out, you have to get up and on. I get that you want him to help you, and he should. But he can't help you right now Bc he's in a hole. I think you need to help him get out of that hole, so then he can help you if that makes sense.

My advice... be careful what you say to him. He feels worthless and there is nothing worse than a man without confidence. And sometimes when you try to give him advice or whatever it may emasculate him even more. (Even if you are right). Male egos are a piece of work. Just work on making him feel like a man, and try therapy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> She's just frustrated and venting, that's why it's coming off the way it is. Your portraying her in a terrible light.


If you don't like what I have to say, block me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> If you don't like what I have to say, block me.




I just disagree. It's not that serious.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I think he is tired, Tired of being told how worthless he is. I think he finds it demeaning to be told everything he does is wrong. I think he told you this. But unfortunately you were too busy being right to hear it.


Where did you get the information to form this conclusion by the fifth post? 

Does it come from another thread because I honestly don't see any support for it in her posts here. 

Wow.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Haiku said:


> Where did you get the information to form this conclusion by the fifth post?
> 
> Does it come from another thread because I honestly don't see any support for it in her posts here.
> 
> Wow.


I suspect that he is projecting his own situation on the OP's husband. I'm tempted to do so myself, though I am not nearly that old. I would rather just try to prompt the OP to see things from his perspective. I also think that reading the 5 Love Languages might help. It would at least get her to try and think that way in order to understand him. I'd wager that she similarly frustrates him.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

From my opinion, you can still choose relationship counselor. Counselor will examine the reasons behind issues, will let you accept them and find the right ways to deal with them. So you can improve your loving engagement, nagging issues, and strengthen your communication skills through private exercises with your partner.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

My poor, poor dear. I am so sorry. I have no encouragement or advice to offer other than to try to nourish, soothe, and satisfy yourself. I am so very sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Midge said:


> I think you are one of those guys who thinks men are superior and are supposed to be worshiped while women simply exist to serve men. When men do basic everyday things they are supposed to be thanked. But when women do everyday things it's just expected I guess. No need to thank them....after all that is their place in life.


That's pretty much a description of most men, sadly. They seem to think being born with male genitalia somehow precludes them from having to do much of anything once their lazy asses are home from work and planted on the couch at home.

Women are expected to be Super Woman and carry the overwhelming burden of all the domestic chores, the clear majority of the child-rearing AND many are *also* expected to work full time outside the home *while doing it*. Someone has to do it all while these lazy asses lay on the couch all night watching reruns of Bay Watch or playing their ignorant video games. Some of them think messing up the kitchen one night and using all the ingredients that YOU went out and shopped for and making some 'specialty' dinner of theirs - that YOU get to clean up after - somehow makes up for their extreme lack of motivation for the other 99% of the time.

*It does not.*

Yet, some of these replies indicate you should be praising him up and down and jumping all over the kitchen and praising him to the heavens to make sure HIS efforts are recognized so that HE feels like he's accomplished something and that you're oh, _so grateful _to be cleaning up his mess after he's managed to throw some chicken and pasta on a plate. Gee, that ALMOST makes up for you doing 98% of everything else *all the rest of the time*, doesn't it?

Be still my beating heart.

This is exactly why I laugh my ass off every time I hear some fool man whine and cry about how marriage is a big trap for HIM and he should avoid it *all costs* because it only benefits the woman. What a complete joke.

Add on the fact that he's a complete emotional cripple and brings nothing to the table in the way of love, respect, and support, and that pretty much leaves you with a whole lot of nothing. I'd kick his ass FOR you if I could.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's pretty much a description of most men, sadly. They seem to think being born with male genitalia somehow precludes them from having to do much of anything once their lazy asses are home from work and planted on the couch at home.
> 
> Women are expected to be Super Woman and carry the overwhelming burden of all the domestic chores, the clear majority of the child-rearing AND many are *also* expected to work full time outside the home *while doing it*. Someone has to do it all while these lazy asses lay on the couch all night watching reruns of Bay Watch or playing their ignorant video games. Some of them think messing up the kitchen one night and using all the ingredients that YOU went out and shopped for and making some 'specialty' dinner of theirs - that YOU get to clean up after - somehow makes up for their extreme lack of motivation for the other 99% of the time.
> 
> ...


If this is how you were treated, it is terrible.

The fact that you think most men behave this way is even worse.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I feel like I'm missing some posts. I don't see where the OP says that she belittles, complains, nags etc, so I don't understand some of the responses.
> 
> OP, I think people naturally map their own experiences onto descriptions, filling in the missing pieces. Are you a really hard working competent woman with a lazy, unromantic husband? Are you an evil controlling person who belittles him at every opportunity? Some people think the first, some the second. Only you know. Personally I don't see anything negative in your behavior from what you have posted.
> 
> ...


I don't belittle and nag. I'm not that kind of person. I am a firm believer that once you say something, it can't be unsaid so be careful what you say in anger. My husband, on the other hand, does not think that way. He's not a vicious person, but when provoked he can say some nasty things. And he is not one to come back later and say "I'm sorry, I said that in anger. I didn't mean it." So when he says things and doesn't apologize later, he must have meant what he said. 

I feel like my husband puts me in a catch 22. He constantly forgets things, some important, some not important. He also frequently says to me "Remind me to ........fill in the blank here with any number of tasks, appointments, etc." But if I remind him more than once I am "nagging". The end result for me is I do as much as I possibly can so that I know things get done. I don't like asking other people to do things for me, so I don't ask him for much of anything. 

I am posting here because I am at my wits end. I've been holding all of this inside and ignoring things for years. I know that is not healthy. And yes, I am seeing a therapist. My therapist says I am an overly responsible person. I don't air dirty laundry with friends and I have no family close by so I talk to a therapist. I have suggested marriage counseling but my husband has resisted. He FINALLY agreed to talk to a therapist and has been to 3 sessions. The therapist talked to me once for background data. Last night I asked my husband about how it was going and he said "I think he (therapist) is about ready to wrap things up." I thought......what?? 3 or 4 sessions and that's all. Wow. 

Here are some random thoughts and nagging issues that may fill in blanks for the nice people posting here. 

1) I do think many (not all) men have some inner need to be praised by their wives. But they often don't think of reciprocating. Many men take women for granted. 

2) My husband puts many responsibilities on me without thinking. One of my dogs (100 lb labrador) had some terrible skin problems and infections. I had to bathe him frequently with different medicated shampoos, and I tried a lot of different things. I tried to get my husband to help because it was hard on my back and the poor dog hated the baths. My husband wouldn't help because "I don't want the dog to not like me." He said this with a smile. And I asked was it OK for the dog not to like me and he just laughed. I loved that dog so much. He was a very special dog. He ended up getting a terrible kidney infection and the vet couldn't save him. The dog had to be put to sleep. When the time came, my husband said "I can't do it. You'll have to". So I had to go by myself to the vet. IT was truly horrible for me and I tear up every time I think of it. I had no choice in the matter. It had to be done so I did it. My husband got a choice because I am responsible and shouldered the responsibility. He also never thanked me.

3) A few years ago I had a "female" minor procedure that required anesthesia, which affects me far more than most people. On the way home I told my husband to stop at CVS so I could get an item plus a post-op prescription filled. He sat in the car rather than offering to get the scrip for me. I went in and started to feel sick. I asked the clerk where the bathroom was because I was feeling sick and dizzy. She told me, and I had a really hard time getting in there because I was so dizzy. I made it in, managed not to vomit, and sat there for a little while to recover. I recovered somewhat, went out and got my prescription and another item I needed. I was in CVS way longer than I should have been. My husband sat in the car and never came in to see if anything may be wrong. When I said something about it later he just blew it off, like so what. He said how was he supposed to know I was sick.

4) In 2015 I had knee surgery. It was a done on a Tuesday. My husband had agreed to volunteer at a tennis tournament out of town that weekend and he needed t leave on Thursday. He had gotten his dates wrong and I am the one that caught the fact that he had the tournament dates wrong. It was the tournament directors fault technically because she had given wrong dates. Anyway, bottom line is that I was the one who caught the error and pointed out to my husband that I was having surgery on Tuesday and he was planning to leave town Thursday morning for the tournament. He didn't see the big deal. I threw a fit and got so upset I cried. Post op instructions are that someone should be around for a few days to help in case of complications. He ended up relenting and stayed home with me. But he resented it greatly and said I was being ridiculous. My surgery went well and I was doing well and getting around by Friday. My husband said something along the lines of......see, I could have gone to the tournament. I was devastated because he felt more obligation to volunteer at a tennis tournament that to take care of me after surgery. And he can't understand why I hold a grudge.


5) I do think my husband is depressed. I think it bothers him greatly that I am very responsible and he knows deep down that there are problems. 

6) I can't figure out if my husband really just doesn't like me at all, or he is just dead on the inside and has no idea of what it means to care about somebody. I asked if he wanted me to leave and he says "No", but in a pouty juvenile way. He pouts and won't talk to me for days on end when I confront him about anything at all. I ALWAYS have to be the one to break the silence and make peace when he stops talking. It makes me feel so alone and empty.

7) I hung in there and put on a brave face for a long time. For the last 2 months I cry at least once a day.....always when no one is around. I have long drives to and from office, tennis, etc because we live so far out now. The whole drive I think about how lonely I am and how can a person treat their wife like such garbage. How can a person treat someone as though they don't care at all and claim to not want that person to leave and not want a divorce? It's so contradictory.

8) I feel so guilty for posting here, even though it's an anonymous board to help people. I feel like I am cheating on my husband.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm sorry to say that your husband is a poor excuse for a human being and a pile of crap for a husband. He doesn't give a rat's patoot about you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I have been following your thread. I do think your husband is depressed. I also think he lacks the empathy chip. You can make his surroundings as joyful and fulfilling as you can muster, but when it gets down to brass tacks, no one is responsible for another's happiness. In his defense, he does have reason to feel depressed- he doesnt feel useful. Not a good feeling.

Re: his asking you to remind him of things. Does he have a phone with a calendar? Tell him to start using it. I realize you're a do-er (i am too, im always moving around and doing something and i like helping people), but you do too much for him. And it's been to your detriment for years. He's a big boy and you're not his mother. He can use his calendar to remind him of things. I live by my google calendar. It's part of my daily life.

Re:feeling lonely although you have a husband. I used to be in a physically abusive long term relationship (way different from you, i realize this). I used to have a 40 minute commute each way and i dreaded the drive home. I would cry my eyes out. I would even burst into tears at work, grocery store, and workout classes! I would see these happy couples be so kind and considerate and respectful to each other. I thought, i can have that too. Im tired of trying to help my abusive bf get some mental health help. Im tired of steering the ship and being able to count only on myself. He was a liability to me. I was just SO.DAMN. TIRED. It shouldn't be this hard!

i kicked him out after 12 arduous years. Best thing ive ever done!

Im not saying kick H to the curb; im saying i can so relate to your feelings.

Have you thought that H is contradictory in words and actions because guess what? If you were to leave, he'd have to handle his own life. You wouldn't be there to do everything he doesn't want to deal with. That's pretty enticing to stay if the other partner is willing to do the heavy lifting. He gets to act as pissy as he wants, knowing you will be there to tolerate it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your recount of the myriad of your health scares and your H's treatment of you during those times makes me so sad for you.

That's great he's going to therapy but i just dont think he gets it. I'm not sure that at this stage in his life, that he'll change. So the burden to effect change is on you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm sorry to say that your husband is a poor excuse for a human being and a pile of crap for a husband. He doesn't give a rat's patoot about you.


:iagree::iagree:

I get more support from my 20 year old daughter.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Midge, there are 2 likely reasons why a therapist will end therapy after 3-4 sessions. One is your husband is remarkably mentally healthy and the therapist literally can't do much more for him (he's not). The other and more likely reason is that your husband has massively glossed over his problems and the therapist wrongly thinks there isn't much more to be done here. Your husband sees nothing wrong with treating you this way. It's not even something on his radar worth mentioning to his therapist.

Your only hope here is marriage counseling where you can air out your grievances and get some validation and support. That instance where he saw no problem with the fact that you were unable to leave a bathroom in CVS because you were too dizzy and nauseous as no big deal speaks volumes about how he views you. He just doesn't care. Maybe his empathy chip is broken like someone else said. But if all he does is hurt you and make you feel lonely, and this is not something he can fix at the end of the day, does it really matter? It doesn't mean you have to put up with it or stay married to someone who makes you feel terrible just because they can't help it or can't change it. If a woman you stand next to on a bus every day can't help stepping on your foot every bus ride, would you keep standing next to her and getting your foot stepped on? Of course not. You deserve the right to look out for yourself and your well being even from people who aren't hurting you intentionally and that applies to your husband too. If he can't change, by every measure you can and should find someone who meets your needs.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

From everything I'm seeing, it seems that is is really not doing his part. That happens: A friend of mine's husband stopped working 10 years ago. and simply decided not to get another job. He doesn't do anything around the house, doesn't help her, just has fun with friends while she supports him. He is an adult child. 

It seems like your husband may be the same. He may have never understood the sort of responsibilities that real adults have. Has never understood that he should help and protect you as you help and protect him.

Unless I'm missing something he sounds like a worthless human being. 




Midge said:


> I don't belittle and nag. I'm not that kind of person. I am a firm believer that once you say something, it can't be unsaid so be careful what you say in anger. My husband, on the other hand, does not think that way. He's not a vicious person, but when provoked he can say some nasty things. And he is not one to come back later and say "I'm sorry, I said that in anger. I didn't mean it." So when he says things and doesn't apologize later, he must have meant what he said.
> 
> I feel like my husband puts me in a catch 22. He constantly forgets things, some important, some not important. He also frequently says to me "Remind me to ........fill in the blank here with any number of tasks, appointments, etc." But if I remind him more than once I am "nagging". The end result for me is I do as much as I possibly can so that I know things get done. I don't like asking other people to do things for me, so I don't ask him for much of anything.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Midge said:


> His family was very closed off emotionally. When we first started seeing each other it was all very new and I was very different from most women he knew because I was into sports and action movies, and I made him laugh. I'm still the same person but in a relationship you go through ups and downs. I don't think he knows how to deal with those so he shuts down.


Well, there you go. He IS what he grew up with. You can't expect him to know how to - or WANT to - be emotional.

What you CAN do is build up healthy boundaries and consequences over what you'll accept in your life, and seek out other ways to get what you need emotionally if he's incapable. And he is incapable. At least unless he goes to about 4 years of intensive, weekly therapy to deconstruct what he learned growing up and replace it with healthy actions.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Midge I dont have alot of advice for you but wanted you to know that I very much understand what you are going through. Your husband sounds exactly like my first husband. It truly never occured to him that he should ever have to do anything that did not directly benefit him. I later came to understand that he had at the very least strong narcissist traits if not a full blown narcissist. If that is the case for your husband he will not change. 

You have two choices if you choose to stay. Continue to be diminished emotionally and spiritually until you disappear entirely or refuse to continue to be his narcissistic supply. If you choose the latter he will eventually decide to move on and feed off someone else.

Try reading on narcissistic personality disorder so you can at least get an understanding of what you might be dealing with. 

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am a man and a husband and I just want to say I think he sucks. What kind of a man lets his wife take care of him and doesn't honor and do the same in return. I pretty lame excuse for one.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I think the basic question here is "do you want to understand what he's thinking or do you just want to cut him loose?" Clearly there is something wrong with him, but what I'm hearing from you is "I've done enough, it's HIS turn to act." Have you talked to him about this stuff with some forethought so as to keep him from going on the defensive and shutting down?


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

m00nman said:


> I think the basic question here is "do you want to understand what he's thinking or do you just want to cut him loose?" Clearly there is something wrong with him, but what I'm hearing from you is "I've done enough, it's HIS turn to act." Have you talked to him about this stuff with some forethought so as to keep him from going on the defensive and shutting down?


I want to understand what he's thinking. Yes, I have talked to him and tried different ways and he gets very defensive. He walks out, won't talk or answers questions with "I don't know." He frequently says, "That's how I was brought up." When I point out that he wasn't like this early in the relationship and ask him what's changed, he can't answer. He also says that I need to get over anything that happened in the past. I can't seem to do that because I don't see any great change.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Midge said:


> I want to understand what he's thinking. Yes, I have talked to him and tried different ways and he gets very defensive. He walks out, won't talk or answers questions with "I don't know." He frequently says, "That's how I was brought up." When I point out that he wasn't like this early in the relationship and ask him what's changed, he can't answer. He also says that *I need to get over anything that happened in the past*. *I can't seem to do that* because I don't see any great change.


You have amassed a nice collection of grudges. Are they making you happier?

-- just another Fool Man

PS my advice to your Husband would not be the same things I'm trying to tell you, but then he isn't here to ask.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

Well, the therapist wants to see us together next week. It will be interesting. But, I don't think things will change if we don't air grievances. 

The odd thing about all this is that his ex did nothing. And I mean nothing. Didn't work and expected him to to take off work to take kids to Dr. He made lunches, saw them to bus while she slept in. He said basically all she did was talk on phone all day. She told him that she married to be taken care of. He worked 7 days a week for years.


Fast forward 20 years and things are reversed. I think my husband hit a crossroad with his work several years ago, and froze. Then got depressed. I got resentful because I hit crossroads & chose a path. I've never felt like I had a choice.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's pretty much a description of most men, sadly. They seem to think being born with male genitalia somehow precludes them from having to do much of anything once their lazy asses are home from work and planted on the couch at home.
> 
> Women are expected to be Super Woman and carry the overwhelming burden of all the domestic chores, the clear majority of the child-rearing AND many are *also* expected to work full time outside the home *while doing it*. Someone has to do it all while these lazy asses lay on the couch all night watching reruns of Bay Watch or playing their ignorant video games. Some of them think messing up the kitchen one night and using all the ingredients that YOU went out and shopped for and making some 'specialty' dinner of theirs - that YOU get to clean up after - somehow makes up for their extreme lack of motivation for the other 99% of the time.
> 
> ...



Wow your view of men sounds really bitter, angry and frankly extremely wrong. Not all men are lazy and expect their wife's to do all the work, as it would not be fair to generalize and say that all woman are lazy ad expect their men to do everything.

My husband is not lazy. He does not come home from work and sit on the couch. He does 50% of the housework, cooking and childrearing and I don't ask, nag or manipulate him to do so. I do however express my appreciation for what he does with words and phycial touch, just as he expresses his appreciation for what i do with words and physical touch. It's called being nice and considerate.

I think what Mr nail was trying to suggest to you is to give your husband what you want to get out of the marriage. If you want words of encouragement, give them. If you want romance, give him romance. If he does make an effort to do something no matter how little, please let him know how much it meant to you. Make him feel good about himself. I for one would not want to be married to someone who makes me feel bad about myself.

Healthy men wants to please their wifes, they will do just about anything to please them, but if they constantly get negative feedback, nagging about how it's not done right, fast enough , good enough, then they will stop trying. You are not going to try to please your wife if all you do is get "kicked" in return.

Men are also pretty clueless when it comes to emotions and you need to be direct with what you want. They do not like to play games. If you feel you are doing too much around the house, stop doing it all and tell him nicely, i need you to take over these chores.

You may feel like your husband does not do thing to encourage you or appreciate you as you are looking for things you would think show these emotions, but you need to look for things men think would show these emotions. Of course once a husband reaches the point of giving up, all these things will stop as they feel it's pointless to try.

I know it seems unfair that you need to make the first move, but frankly woman have a lot of power in a relationship. If he's not depressed or a damages man he will change as you change , but it takes time and it doesn't happen over night. If being a little nicer and "rewarding" your husband for a "job" well done makes him feel better about himself, he will be a better version of himself. It's not going to hurt you to say thank you more, or i appreciate that, or you are so good with your hands, look at this wonderful house you build us...etc 

If you truly believe your husband is depressed, please encourage him to seek treatment.

It's hard to give feedback on situations where we do not know they other persons thoughts or feeling. My own personally experience was when i started treating my husband better, rewarding him and showing my gratitude for what he does for our family and letting him be a man and not have to make excuses for it, he changed dramatically. He went from the most unromantic man who barely said i love you, to leaving me love notes in the morning, running me baths with flowers all around the bathroom, planning picnics, leaving flowers in my car to find after work, giving me compliments...etc 

I hope you can turn your marriage around. You deserve all the things you want, and if your husband is not damaged, you can and will get them from him. All the best.


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## Midge (Mar 2, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> I think what Mr nail was trying to suggest to you is to give your husband what you want to get out of the marriage. If you want words of encouragement, give them. If you want romance, give him romance. If he does make an effort to do something no matter how little, please let him know how much it meant to you. Make him feel good about himself. I for one would not want to be married to someone who makes me feel bad about myself.
> 
> Healthy men wants to please their wifes, they will do just about anything to please them, but if they constantly get negative feedback, nagging about how it's not done right, fast enough , good enough, then they will stop trying. You are not going to try to please your wife if all you do is get "kicked" in return.
> 
> ...


The reason I am frustrated is because I do show him gratitude for anything that he does, but he doesn't reciprocate. I give him emotional support but he does not reciprocate. 

I truly don't like to cook, so I always tell my husband that I appreciate the fact that he cooks most nights. When he overcooks something or tries something new and it doesn't turn out so great (which happens to everyone) I always say "You'll never get a complaint from me about that. I don't want to cook so I'm certainly not going to complain that the steak is a little overdone." 

In one of my posts I made a statement that I was not "particularly romantic". What I was trying to express was that I don't ask for much and am not demanding. I'm not a teenager who thinks life is like the movies or TV. I don't need a man to give me flowers. I like gifts, but practical one make more sense to me. I only need a man to run my bath water if I am physically incapacitated. What I need is someone to help me out when I need it, like getting a prescription when I am too sick. I have taken my husband for minor surgery a couple of times and no one had to tell me that I need to go into CVS to get the prescription filled. No one had to tell me that I need to stay close by for a while to make sure there were no complications. I just did it, because I *wanted* to and that's what you do for your husband. And I certainly never complained about it. I think a lot of people's idea of being romantic are things done for show. I am more about substance than show. 

What I expect from a marriage is equal treatment. Both partners should be treated with respect and both should show appreciation for the other. Both partners should be there when the other is sick. When one does these things and the other does not reciprocate it causes friction. People go through ups and downs so there are times when one has to be a bit more supportive while the other may be in a rough spot. That is normal. 

I don't understand why people are posting here that I "nag" or call my husband "worthless". Huh? I don't do that. I'd rather do things myself (if I can) than have to remind someone else. I've never called my husband names at all. I usually say nothing, and I think my husband takes that as "all is ok."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H is the same - if I'm not saying something out loud, all is fine. And he has a short memory. He REALLY blew it Friday - I was so livid I couldn't even talk to him. And what does he do this morning? Try to have sex. When I said no, he asked why. I said because I'm still upset about Friday and I can't be intimate with you. He was shocked, because I almost NEVER tell him when he is doing something wrong; I just carry on. So for me to say so out loud - and for him to get a REAL consequence (no sex), really shook him up.

I suggest you start sharing your honesty more often. Let him start seeing how often you are affected.

If you're afraid of getting him mad, use the 'drive-by' approach to share your feelings: when you're getting ready to leave the house, stop by him, say a simple statement (you hurt my feelings when you ABC), and then turn and leave. Leave him alone with that fact. Hours later, when you return, he'll either address it or store it away. If he addresses it, you're more likely to have a productive talk; if he just stores it away, well, he'll start storing away a LOT of such issues and it will probably start having an effect on him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Midge said:


> The reason I am frustrated is because I do show him gratitude for anything that he does, but he doesn't reciprocate. I give him emotional support but he does not reciprocate.
> 
> I truly don't like to cook, so I always tell my husband that I appreciate the fact that he cooks most nights. When he overcooks something or tries something new and it doesn't turn out so great (which happens to everyone) I always say "You'll never get a complaint from me about that. I don't want to cook so I'm certainly not going to complain that the steak is a little overdone."
> 
> ...


I don't understand it either since your pots have made it very clear that you are not doing what some posters seem to think you are. I'd suggest just ignoring those posts or a brief answer telling them to please re-read your previous posts as you have already negated their take on things.

Your husband is clearly not there for you in any way at all . What are you planning on doing?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I don't understand it either since your pots have made it very clear that you are not doing what some posters seem to think you are. I'd suggest just ignoring those posts or a brief answer telling them to please re-read your previous posts as you have already negated their take on things.
> 
> Your husband is clearly not there for you in any way at all . What are you planning on doing?


I think her post has got some people unsettled as they see themselves in it and therefore rather than let it sink in and ruminate, they shoot first, it's a 'defensive' mechanism, no-one likes to be confronted with the not so nice aspects of their personality or reality.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Midge said:


> I don't understand why people are posting here that I "nag" or call my husband "worthless". Huh? I don't do that. I'd rather do things myself (if I can) than have to remind someone else. I've never called my husband names at all. I usually say nothing, and I think my husband takes that as "all is ok."


Honestly, I dont get it either. Your husband is not there for you in any way, shape, or form, and personally, I think you need to get out.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

@Midge

I was only suggesting that you take a look at how you interact with your husband as you could be doing things that you don't even know are damaging your husband and causing him to shut down and not give you what you need out of the marriage. I can't nor can anyone else tell you if you are or are not doing this. You need to be honest with yourself. If you feel you're doing your part and your husband is still not pulling his weight in this marriage than you may have married a man incapable of change. There are always two sides to each story and frankly we can be biases as to not see our own faults and see things from our perspective. Your husband may be taking some of your words and action in a negative way that are in your mind not intended to be negative at all. It's easy to misread someone and just assume they are feeling what we "think" they should be feeling or to not understand that they interpret something we did to mean something to never complety different than what we meant to do/say.

Either way you need to realize that you still need to make the first move, whether it be to change the way you interact with your husband or to not tolerate the behaviour and treatment you get from him, you still have all the power. If you truly feel that this is just who your husband is and that he wont change, then stop wasting your time and his and move on. You deserve to be happy and if your husband isn't contributing to that happiness than you deserve to find someone who will. 

Just remember that the grass if not always greener on the other side, it's the greenest where you water it. I have known countless people separate and leave their spouse to realize later on that they really didn't have it that bad and regret their decsion to leave. 

Have you had any luck with seeing your marriage therapist? Have you sat down with your husband and laid out all of the feeling and frustrations you have that you have told us here? If anyone can help you understand why he's like this it's him. Maybe if he realizes that you are not going to stick around to live in a marriage like this, he might change.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> @MidgeI was only suggesting that you take a look at how you interact with your husband as you could be doing things that you don't even know are damaging your husband and causing him to shut down and not give you what you need out of the marriage. I can't nor can anyone else tell you if you are or are not doing this. You need to be honest with yourself. If you feel you're doing your part and your husband is still not pulling his weight in this marriage than you may have married a man incapable of change. There are always two sides to each story and frankly we can be biases as to not see our own faults and see things from our perspective. Your husband may be taking some of your words and action in a negative way that are in your mind not intended to be negative at all. It's easy to misread someone and just assume they are feeling what we "think" they should be feeling or to not understand that they interpret something we did to mean something to never complety different than what we meant to do/say.


I understand what you're saying, however what could @Midge (or I) have possibly done to cause our spouses to neglect us to the point of endangering our health and safety?

She has described psychopathic behavior on the part of her spouse ... as could I, as I'm sure could EleGirl.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Red Sonja said:


> I understand what you're saying, however what could @Midge (or I) have possibly done to cause our spouses to neglect us to the point of endangering our health and safety?
> 
> She has described psychopathic behavior on the part of her spouse ... as could I, as I'm sure could EleGirl.


Here is the thing... if he was distressed because of something Midge is or is not doing, it's on him to bring it to her attention and try to resolve it. The health of the marriage is not 100% on Midge's shoulders.

For example, his refusal to help her out when she was ill. There really is no acceptable excuse for that. And if there was, what did he do to try to fix things so he could be supportive of her?

He is also just as inattentive to his own family. I doubt that Midge has anything to do with that.

Someone brought up Asperger's. This might be what the issue is and if it is, it's very hard to live with a spouse who has that condition. And there is not a lot that Midge could do to mitigate it except expect nothing from him.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> I understand what you're saying, however what could @Midge (or I) have possibly done to cause our spouses to neglect us to the point of endangering our health and safety?
> 
> She has described psychopathic behavior on the part of her spouse ... as could I, as I'm sure could EleGirl.


I'm not saying what your husbands have done is right. Some people are damaged, but ultimately you still have all the power in your life. You chose to be happy or miserable. 

If your husband is being abusive and making you miserable, then leave. You can't fix him, and if he doesn't want to fix himself then there is no hope. 

No one can make you unhappy and miserable but yourself and if your husband is that unsupportive, and i'm willing to meet your needs, find someone who is. No point continuing to make each others life's miserable. If he can't make you happy, let me go. 

If you want to try to fix this marriage, all I have to say is that faults in a marriage are usually 50-50 and you have to look at yourself first before picking out someone else flaws. When I started changing my behaviour in my marriage for the better, my husband changed for the better too, but like I said some people are damaged and this doesn't work. 

I wish you all the best, you deserve to be happy and what you want from your husband is not unreasonable, it's what a good husband should do. 





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