# Financial Question regarding Second Marriage



## Jillycat (Jan 7, 2015)

My second husband and I have been married since March and have been together for a year prior to that. When we decided to move in together (before marriage), he started paying the majority of my mortgage payment and utilities. Says he wanted to make it easier for me. After we married, we moved to a different house (to call our own) and he still pays about 75% of the mortgage and utilities. He makes 3x my income. Due to disagreements in managing our blended family situation, we regularly talk about splitting up. During these discussions, he states that I should pay him back for the months he paid the mortgage since we bought our current house. He knows I have no way of doing so. I know legally that I don't "owe" him that. But seriously, who is the one being unreasonable here?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He is, based on what you said.

C


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## Jillycat (Jan 7, 2015)

Thank you for your reply. I see that you are Canadian, as well as is my husband. I was starting to think our different cultures were what was causing such a wide gap in our opinions.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

He is trying to use money as leverage. He isn't agreeing with how you are handling the issues with the blended family thing. He is trying to say that you need to listen to him because he is paying most of the bills.

Do the issues with the blended family thing involve money? Maybe he expects your ex to pay more? Just guessing!

For the most part, I think he is being unreasonable, but it might depend on what your arguments are focussed on.

You can take away the leverage he has by splitting the bills evenly.


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## Jillycat (Jan 7, 2015)

Yes, some of our issues have to do with how much my ex pays so good guess! It also revolves around where we live, which is based on where my kids go to school. His kids live about an hour away. He only sees them every other weekend. So some of it has to do with his feelings of paying to "support my kids based on location" and not his. You're right...every time he doesn't get his way or is upset about something, he uses money as leverage. I have tried splitting the bills evenly but for one, I really can't due to my lower income and second, he won't do it! I have even offered honestly to sell our house, buy one that I can afford to pay the majority of since we are here based on my kids and my work. He won't do that either because he likes our house, even though he complains about the location! All very frustrating.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Jillycat said:


> Yes, some of our issues have to do with how much my ex pays so good guess! It also revolves around where we live, which is based on where my kids go to school. His kids live about an hour away. He only sees them every other weekend. So some of it has to do with his feelings of paying to "support my kids based on location" and not his. You're right...every time he doesn't get his way or is upset about something, he uses money as leverage. I have tried splitting the bills evenly but for one, I really can't due to my lower income and second, he won't do it! I have even offered honestly to sell our house, buy one that I can afford to pay the majority of since we are here based on my kids and my work. He won't do that either because he likes our house, even though he complains about the location! All very frustrating.


Jillycat,i hear you.
This is part of the pain of starting a step family. Your H is feeling the loss of closeness with his kids, and having to live with yours. I'm sure they're all lovely kids, but he's living with yours, not his. When my H and I got together, we went through similar pain. We did a step families course, and learned that this is normal, sadly. There's always loss associated with step families. Your H is feeling it and expressing it in terms of money.

My advice, see if you can find a step families course, or a group for step families in your area. You'll get a lot of support and emotional help there.
It's not the money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would agree. Try to solve the real issue first. If that doesn't work, then talk to a local lawyer about your rights and obligations. Once you know your true legal standing, you can make informed decisions and try to negotiate amicably. 

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jillycat said:


> My second husband and I have been married since March and have been together for a year prior to that. When we decided to move in together (before marriage), he started paying the majority of my mortgage payment and utilities. Says he wanted to make it easier for me. After we married, we moved to a different house (to call our own) and he still pays about 75% of the mortgage and utilities. He makes 3x my income. Due to disagreements in managing our blended family situation, we regularly talk about splitting up. During these discussions, he states that I should pay him back for the months he paid the mortgage since we bought our current house. He knows I have no way of doing so. I know legally that I don't "owe" him that. But seriously, who is the one being unreasonable here?


Why would he think that you would have to pay him back?

He bought the home with you, right?

He's living there right? Why does he think that he would get free use of the house?


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## Jillycat (Jan 7, 2015)

That's my question! Yes, he bought the home with me and yes, he lives there too. He constantly states that he is only living in this location for me and that he gets no benefit from it. That's very hurtful to hear. Makes it sound like we are just roommates. There is no way I can compete financially with him (or split expenses equally) given our very uneven incomes. I am learning that second marriages are VERY different than first marriages. It is more about keeping things separate (although deep down I don't believe this to be true). I would NEVER be the way he is regarding finances with him if the tables were turned. I know, easy for me to say because it's not that way, but truly I believe that. How many second marriages operate finances separately?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Jillycat said:


> I am learning that second marriages are VERY different than first marriages. It is more about keeping things separate (although deep down I don't believe this to be true) . . . How many second marriages operate finances separately?


A LOT!!! And it's most advised. What you are learning by being in a step family situation, you're going to have to accept. The longer you resist or think things really don't have to be this way, the worse you will regret it in the long run - whether you and he divorce now or some time later. And yeah, if you think I sound like I have no faith in your marriage and that you will divorce at some point, you're right. It's another sad truth. The rate of divorce among couples in step families is higher than 72%.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you need counseling in step family dynamics as someone suggested. You likely won't find what she suggested specifically, but you can find a counselor who specializes in step families. It isn't likely the only or major reason you're divorcing is due to location, but that can play a big part because your husband is feeling guilty. That's very normal. If he's so confused as you describe, the guilt is killing while he wants to be happy at the same time. It's a lot to struggle with, and I've no doubt you have your step-related struggles too, especially concerning his kids and probably their mother. It's a challenge for everyone involved. Most don't make it through, thus the reason the divorce rate is so high. It's no longer a matter of second marriage the way you describe it because second marriages without children from previous marriages/relationships have a much higher survival rate. It's step family dynamics that are the killers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jillycat said:


> That's my question! Yes, he bought the home with me and yes, he lives there too. He constantly states that he is only living in this location for me and that he gets no benefit from it. That's very hurtful to hear. Makes it sound like we are just roommates. There is no way I can compete financially with him (or split expenses equally) given our very uneven incomes. I am learning that second marriages are VERY different than first marriages. It is more about keeping things separate (although deep down I don't believe this to be true). I would NEVER be the way he is regarding finances with him if the tables were turned. I know, easy for me to say because it's not that way, but truly I believe that. How many second marriages operate finances separately?


Some second marriages keep finances separate, others don't. 

He's making a point by telling you that he's not getting anything out of living there. So he wants you to give him back what he's paid. his point is that he feels like he's putting more into the marriage and giving up more than you are. He's given up a lot of time with his children and obviously resents that.

To be honest, I would tell a person to pick their children over a new spouse. The children were there first. Each of you have different priorities. You want your children to be the priority. He wants his children to be the priority and he is pissed that they are not.

But he's picking a pretty silly way of expressing his point of view. I suppose he now feels trapped because he made the bad decision to move away from his children and in retrospect realizes that it was a bad decision.

This I typical second marriage with children stuff.

I don't see the marriage working, his resentment is getting to be pretty strong.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Jillycat, I don't recall you saying he is giving up any time with his children. You said he has every other weekend visitation, right? It's that he's so far away from his kids that bothers him, so what is the difference to him? Would he spend more time than the court-ordered visitation if he were closer to them? Is that the problem he stated, or is he still just complaining and being confusing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarlaRose said:


> Jillycat, I don't recall you saying he is giving up any time with his children. You said he has every other weekend visitation, right? It's that he's so far away from his kids that bothers him, so what is the difference to him? Would he spend more time than the court-ordered visitation if he were closer to them? Is that the problem he stated, or is he still just complaining and being confusing?


Maybe I misinterpreted the below part of one of her posts.



Jillycat said:


> His kids live about an hour away. He only sees them every other weekend. So some of it has to do with his feelings of paying to "support my kids based on location" and not his.


Being an hour away now, I'm assuming that he cannot see them as much. It would be harder for him to participate in their sports activities, etc.

OP can clear this up.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I guess I'm a bit against the crowd here.

You should pay your share OP. If you can't afford it, get a better job or get education so you can. Meanwhile, take on your extra share of responsibilities around the house/cooking/cleaning etc.

It's not fair that he has to pay 75%. Why should he? 

I already know what the core issue is. He most likely feels that you don't pull enough weight financially, he just doesn't have a good way to communicate that to you.

Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he made 1/4th of what you make.

Ask yourself a bigger question. Would you even be WITH him?

Chances are high the answer is NO.



Fact that you make less is not his problem, it's YOURs. So show him that you are either taking steps to do so or pull weight in other ways and hope he is ok with that.

I don't think the situation is fair to HIM. And having a HUGE financial load on his shoulders ONLY is a WHOLE lot of pressure to deal with on regular basis.

Perhaps fact that he wants you to pay it back is a bit extreme, but I will write that off as a jerk reaction/over reaction to force you to do MORE.......which you SHOULD do regardless.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DoF, I'm in a relationship with someone who makes about 30% of what I make. And before she moved in with me, we had a discussion about household expenses. We're not married, but we are a team. So yes, she contributes about 30% of the household expenses. I have no problems with that. And if we split up, I can't imagine going back after her for the difference. . We had an agreement, based on mature discussion. 

And frankly, if we lived somewhere that she could afford half the expenses, it wouldn't be as nice or convenient.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, previous post based on my personal situation and imho. OP's mileage may vary. 

C


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> DoF, I'm in a relationship with someone who makes about 30% of what I make. And before she moved in with me, we had a discussion about household expenses. We're not married, but we are a team. So yes, she contributes about 30% of the household expenses. I have no problems with that. And if we split up, I can't imagine going back after her for the difference. . We had an agreement, based on mature discussion.
> 
> And frankly, if we lived somewhere that she could afford half the expenses, it wouldn't be as nice or convenient.
> 
> C


I don't see anything wrong with above.

But that's quite a bit different then OP's situation.

It sounds like they didn't have a "mature" agreement prior to moving in (just kind of fell into things).

Also your girl doesn't have kids of her own.

Remember, OP's husband is pulling a WHOLE lot of weight. Him, his wife and her kids.......I'm SURE he feels overwhelmed and needs help/assistance with paying more.

It's not fair to him any way you look at it.

What does the OP do to make up the difference is the big question? Do you cook more, do you clean more? 

At times, even that won't matter as the pressure of lack of money and total responsibility takes it's toll.

Another thing I would like to add is, if OP couldn't afford 50% of the mortgage of the new house, they should've never decided to move there (even if he was nice enough to pay for it). 

Solution to all of this is to either downsize or cut down on expenses until OP can meet that 50%.

I still think OP should proceed to do her best to better her situation. Assume he will not be around for long and she will have to pull her own weight ON HER OWN. Get more education (college)/better your career opportunity!!! Just this step ALONE will put her husband at ease and relieve pressure. Chances are high arguments frequencies will go down.

What her husband is asking for is SEPARATE finances. Many families do this and it works out quite well, as long as each party delivers 1/2 the money.

Another thing for OP to consider is who spends more randomly. It can be VERY VERY VERY frustrating when you pay for most of the things and the other party spends money like it grows on trees.......this can be an issue as well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DOF, the way I read it, his paying more was his decision. And the financial inequality issue only came up when they discussed breaking up. 

But I could be wrong... 

C


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> DOF, the way I read it, his paying more was his decision. And the financial inequality issue only came up when they discussed breaking up.
> 
> But I could be wrong...
> 
> C


As it should.

But paying more is a nice gesture. Most people will accept it and "lay back" and use it against them when time comes.

Nice/fair people will recognize that, be thankful BUT still do their best to improve financial/career situations.

Which one of these 2 do you think OP is? 

Let's face it, people make decisions and sometimes things change. I have a feeling there is a GOOD reason why her husband is changing his mind.

What that reason might be, only OP would know.

We are just guessing.....but identifying the problem is the first step to addressing it.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

If the OP goes back to school as you suggest, DoF, do you expect her to do that while making 50% of the income? How? And what about 4 years of student loan debt? How is that going to help the financial situation?

When I was working, I made about 30% of what my husband made. I could never compete with his salary. 

He took more or less the same stance as you, and all I heard was "I base your worth on your earning potential."


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Jillycat said:


> I would NEVER be the way he is regarding finances with him if the tables were turned. I know, easy for me to say because it's not that way, but truly I believe that. How many second marriages operate finances separately?


Most 2nd marriages have separate finances in my experience, my H and I do, both contributing to the mortgage and household bills in proportion to what we earn, same as you.

Did you H move away from his kids to live with you? Does he see them less? That's more the issue I think if he has. He may love the house but if the location means he sees his kids less, he's probably hurting.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I are a step family. His second marriage, he comes with a daughter. My first marriage, no children.

We have everything pooled in the one account. I'm a SAHM. I also bought a house into this relationship.

If I was working full time nothing would change, all our money would go to the one spot and everything would be paid from that. I have no objection to "my" money being used on anything for our daughter (yes, she's my stepdaughter but I love her as my own, she will never want for anything, even if I *technically* have to pay for it).

I don't get the whole split expenses thing in marriage. It's not the norm in Australia. Is this an American thing?


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I refused to split finances. It goes against everything I believe in when it comes to being married. Splitting finances says to me "I'm not committed to this relationship." This is the first time I've seen anyone say that second marriages tend to split finances. It makes no sense to me.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

frusdil said:


> My husband and I are a step family. His second marriage, he comes with a daughter. My first marriage, no children.
> 
> I don't get the whole split expenses thing in marriage. It's not the norm in Australia. Is this an American thing?


Hey frusdil, I'm in Aus as well. But H and I keep our money separate, because we've argued over it before. He would spend as if he was earning twice what he earned, and is now in loads of debt. He doesn't like me controlling the money. And he wants to pay back his debt himself. But the stepfamilies I know tend to have separate money due to the paying for kids thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Deep Down said:


> Hey frusdil, I'm in Aus as well. But H and I keep our money separate, because we've argued over it before. He would spend as if he was earning twice what he earned, and is now in loads of debt. He doesn't like me controlling the money. And he wants to pay back his debt himself.


How does it work there with his debt? Is this considered his separate debt? or can those he owes money to come after you if he does not pay off his debt?



Deep Down said:


> But the stepfamilies I know tend to have separate money due to the paying for kids thing.


Some stepfamilies combine finances and some keep their finances separate. Most stepfamilies I know combine them.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How does it work there with his debt? Is this considered his separate debt? or can those he owes money to come after you if he does not pay off his debt?


Hi elegirl, They are credit cards and personal loans. They are in his name, and my understanding from the government website is that they don't affect me, they are HIS. I had a thread a while ago where many ppl told me to take him off the title for our house, but I didn't, as he has taken control of his debt. If he went bankrupt, they could take his share of our assets eg the house. But they couldn't take my part.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband's reply is a vindictive response. He is the one being childish and unreasonable here.


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