# What to do ?



## Carpmad77

Hi, I have been with my wife for 21 years and married 17. We have two boys both in their teens. I truly love my wife but am considering leaving her, for many reasons. Life has taken it's toll on us and we have worked through many issues in the past. I am struggling to see a solution this time. I really do not want be without my boys either, so do I carry on being miserable and pretending all is ok so I can have them in my life ? I am really confused and I normally just put my feelings a side and ignore the issues for everyone elses benefit and mine I guess.


----------



## Spent

Not to try and pry more info out than you want to give, but it really depends on what the issues are you can not deal with to me. Some issues you think can not be worked out, may be able to be worked out? What does she want? Does she want out?


----------



## BioFury

Carpmad77 said:


> Hi, I have been with my wife for 21 years and married 17. We have two boys both in their teens. I truly love my wife but am considering leaving her, for many reasons. Life has taken it's toll on us and we have worked through many issues in the past. I am struggling to see a solution this time. I really do not want be without my boys either, so do I carry on being miserable and pretending all is ok so I can have them in my life ? I am really confused and I normally just put my feelings a side and ignore the issues for everyone elses benefit and mine I guess.


What issues are the source of your frustration? How does your relationship today, differ from the day you decided to marry her?


----------



## Carpmad77

Hi the issues are I am constantly worried about what mood she is going to be in. I don't really tell her what I'm thinking or feeling anymore as It seems no matter what I do and say is wrong. Everything that happens in our lives seems i.e. kids been naughty is some how my fault, even if she can't find an item of clothing I get moaned at or shouted at. I tried so hard for the last 3 months of last year to show her how much I love and what she means to me and I thought it was working, but back to the way we were. Honestly there is so much more but will take me a month to write it.


----------



## Carpmad77

Sorry for the poorly typed response. I am in bed alone as my wife got the hump with my eldest son tonight so she decided to go and sleep on the sofa ? My fault !! Anyway typing on my phone so sorry for any spelling mistakes etc


----------



## Carpmad77

Thanks for the response new to this!!


----------



## Spent

is there a possibility you are really causing problems?

Is there a possibility she has mental issues or hormonal issues due to changes in life etc?

What does it mean Got HUMP with son?


----------



## Carpmad77

Yes sometimes I can cause the problems, and If I have made a mistake I will put my hands up and apologise. I am far from perfect, I know, but I cannot tell wife how I feel for fear of the repercussions. Where she tells me the second I do something or say something wrong. She will not listen to any other opinion, especially when she is raging. It is better for me to shut up and say nothing. She has had her hormones checked amd everything came back fine. Sorry from England, got the hump means she got angry with him.


----------



## Spent

Is couples counseling an option?

Does she want out of the marriage as well?


----------



## Carpmad77

I'm not sure if it would help. She is so head strong that I fear what I say at counseling she will take the wrong way and it will cause more problems. She has told me a number of times we are done but I never truly belive she means it.


----------



## BioFury

Carpmad77 said:


> I'm not sure if it would help. She is so head strong that I fear what I say at counseling she will take the wrong way and it will cause more problems. She has told me a number of times we are done but I never truly belive she means it.


I'd suggest you purchase and read the books "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer". They will help catalyze the change necessary for your wife to not continue running over you like you've described.


----------



## cheapie

How old is your wife? Are her moods something new? If she is of a certain age, it could be that she is perimenopausal. I know when I was in that phase, I would get really touchy and anger easily - really bad PMS. I had to ask my Dr. for help and actually temporarily went on Prozac to even things out - I saw it wasn't fair to my husband or son.

If this behavior has been pretty consistent, some of this sounds like it could possibly be BPD - the rages, blaming, etc.

But we really don't have enough info to know - just giving some suggestions.


----------



## Andy1001

Unfortunately for you you are in the UK and you are justified in worrying about seeing your children if you and your wife split up.The custody rules are crazy over there,they completely favor the wife in any custody battle and it is not uncommon for women to downright refuse to let their ex husband see their children.
Time after time I seen women dragged back to court and ordered to obey custody arrangements but they just ignore it.And if the husband is late paying child support he can have his wages garnished or even be arrested.
You need the best lawyer you can afford because your wife doesn’t give a damn about you or your opinions.


----------



## oldshirt

Andy1001 said:


> Unfortunately for you you are in the UK and you are justified in worrying about seeing your children if you and your wife split up.The custody rules are crazy over there,they completely favor the wife in any custody battle and it is not uncommon for women to downright refuse to let their ex husband see their children.
> Time after time I seen women dragged back to court and ordered to obey custody arrangements but they just ignore it.And if the husband is late paying child support he can have his wages garnished or even be arrested.
> You need the best lawyer you can afford because your wife doesn’t give a damn about you or your opinions.


His kids are in their teens though. Is what you said above really applicable when you are talking about teenagers that can pretty get to wherever they want to go?


----------



## oldshirt

She sounds a lot like one of my best friend's exwife. She basically hated him and blamed him for everything from tooth decay and black mold to global warming. 

She had a variety of mental and personality disorders and she took them all out on him. 

He finally had enough and filed for divorce (which really made her mad!) While others warned him that if she had the kids to herself that her rage and anger and resentment could be turned towards then, he figured that since she hated him and blamed him so much that she and the kids would be fine and that she would continue to blame him for everything due to the divorce...……… Wrong!

Once he was out of the house, her disorder(s) did eventually turn to towards the kids. 

They were school aged at the time but by once they got to be junior highish, they were able to call him when she went into rages and there were a couple times the kids were barricaded in a closet and the police were called. 

By the time they were teenagers they could either seek refuge in their room and try to stay out of her airspace when they were at her house or they could go to his place when they wanted. 

As the OP's kids are in their teens, they may have quite a bit of say in where they want to spend their time and may be able to pretty much go back and forth at will depending on circumstances. 

I suspect that if she is as much of a loon as she sounds, that they may quickly decide that his house is the more peaceful and content place to be and will eventually end up being with him more in time.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

She sounds mentally unstable, and you have allowed her to bully and control you. You need to work on getting yourself up off the floor and stand up for yourself and your kids. I mean what is the worst that can happen when you do? If she gets physical then you call the police. If all she does is scream, well then so what? Is she in any kind of therapy? Ever had any kind of diagnosis regarding personality disorders, bi-polar, etc? 

I agree with others that maybe since your kids are teens that they have control over where they stay and how they visit. They would probably be grateful to get away from her. Would you want them to end up marrying someone like her? YOU are their example, always remember that.


----------



## MattMatt

Spent said:


> is there a possibility you are really causing problems?
> 
> Is there a possibility she has mental issues or hormonal issues due to changes in life etc?
> 
> What does it mean Got HUMP with son?


Got in a bad mood with him.

I'd guess OP is a Brit, as that's a typical expression we use.


----------

