# Here I go again



## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Hi all, I am so tired of this Merry go round/emotional draining marriage. So trying to get to the point but give some updated background information....I posted before for advice on being forced to do certain sex acts that I am NOT comfortable, so there's that issue and it's an ongoing issue. Fast forward a couple of months later...I have been going through some female medical issues, I have been very worried, anxious, depressed about that and have had to have procedures completed for further testing, my spouse knows about ALL of this. So I have definitely not been feeling sexual, so to the next issue....I turned down advances 2 nights in a row, well needless to say, I am catching an attitude now. I can tell a difference in the way he responds to me versus how he responds to the kids. If I ask him something or try to interact with him, he is really cold. So I know what I have to do to get him to treat me right and I will do it. I am just annoyed that the only way we can have a normal existence is if he gets his way sexually. I guess there is no question here, I just like thoughts and opinions/suggestions or even adult interaction at this point....


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Hey

If he love you from the bottom of heart then he must respect your current state of mind. 

Always remember, marriage is all about understanding each other. Not necessary if people are married, their views would match 100%. You don’t feel like doing few things so talk to him to have a honest conversation.

Also, what sexual acts does he tell you to do as such ? Do you really think they are offending ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

IA...thanks for your response and willingness to help. Respectfully, I don't think being specific about the acts is important, just that it makes me uncomfortable and I dont like doing them and have expressed my feelings to him, which in response he saids because of that I don't love him and he is not the one for me because if he was I would perform the acts and have sex whenever he wants...I do not agree with that stance and dont think my love for someone should be measured by sex acts and quantity. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something here, I'm not defensive at all and welcome anyone who can see and tell me where I am wrong...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Iamlost1234 said:


> .......I turned down advances 2 nights in a row, well needless to say, I am catching an attitude now. I can tell a difference in the way he responds to me versus how he responds to the kids. If I ask him something or try to interact with him, he is really cold.
> 
> ........I guess there is no question here, I just like thoughts and opinions/suggestions or even adult interaction at this point....


A couple thoughts/questions. Have you had some serious discussions with him about what is going on with you medically? 

Have you recently had some marriage counseling sessions so the two of you can talk about your medical problems, your fears, his fears, your frustration, his frustration and what you each hope your marriage will look like once your medical problems are resolved?

I was in a sex starved marriage and my wife refused to have any sex with me. I thought I was the victim and was very angry. It was only later that I learned that I too was part of the problem for the sex starved marriage. A sex therapist and marriage counselor helped save my marriage. 

Please remember that even though you feel you are doing nothing wrong, your spouse may feel otherwise. It is only through lots of empathy and listening that you each can figure out what is going through the other's mind. What you view as selfish sexual self interest might be fear about your medical condition and a need to pretend everything is as it once was in his mind. 

Good luck and try to figure out both what he needs and what you need and then what you each can give to each other.


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

Well, I don't know if you saw the "rollercoaster" part, but it has been this way for about 13 years now, I think I am just emotionally drained now, so I don't THINK it's a matter of him being nervous about my medical issues. 
Does anyone think it will be selfish of me to just end it all and let him just go find someone sexually compatible. Bc at this point I think that is all that matters to him and I really just need peace...


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Iamlost1234 said:


> Well, I don't know if you saw the "rollercoaster" part, but it has been this way for about 13 years now, I think I am just emotionally drained now, so I don't THINK it's a matter of him being nervous about my medical issues.
> Does anyone think it will be selfish of me to just end it all and let him just go find someone sexually compatible. Bc at this point I think that is all that matters to him and I really just need peace...


I don't think it's selfish at all. In fact, it could definitely been seen as a selfless thing to do.


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## Iamlost1234 (Apr 25, 2020)

I hope so...but it's really scary with kids and after 20 years...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Iamlost1234 said:


> So I know what I have to do to get him to treat me right and I will do it. I am just annoyed that the only way we can have a normal existence is if he gets his way sexually.


I'll admit that I have a history as a husband of getting irritable if I did not get my allotment of marital duties that I expected in marriage. My sense of entitlement resulted in me feeling neglected when my wife seemed to never be in the mood. I got grumpy and eventually the wife would give me an attitude adjustment so that I would not become unbearable. 

Fast forward many years and things are better as I admit my faults and I am aware I am often sexually needy in the marriage which does not always come across as that attractive. One thing I learned was that I just wanted my sexuality to feel accepted in the marriage and that did not always have to equate to having sex. I simply wanted my wife to take my desire for her as a compliment as opposed to something that stressed her out whenever I made an advance. 

Obviously if one of my advances was refused, as a couple you have to learn how to cope with that. Back rubs tend to help me from feeling too much anxiety or rejection and instead help toward feeling loved and accepted. 

If that fails, then just change the topic of conversation to tax preparation, past due home maintenance, or concerns about personal finances. Those topics generally lend themselves to making sex impossible. Eventually he will catch on, but my wife successfully used that technique on me for about five years. Now I have a sexual fetish for getting my taxes filed early and maxing out retirement contributions, which awkwardly gets my wife in the mood. So that is a win win! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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