# Would really appreciate men's perspective on this...



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I know some of you think I am being ridiculous about it but I had to know exactly/clearly the relationship between husband and coworker 4yrs ago so I could move on. Basically last night I said I want and need to move on from this. This dumb issue keeps coming up because I was never given the whole truth or a real explanation to your friendship and "unexplained behavior" isnt working for me. 

So husband said since we were just having our first baby and he had no other friends and liked the people he work with he considered them friends. The one girl I said I didnt feel comfortable about back then (and I didnt like the vibe, too much focus on her in mu opinion and when I saw his web history of checking out her page a lot I was really upset). 

So last night he said yes, I liked her as a friend, she made me happy, I liked the attention she gave me, we had the same humor, I felt comfortable asking her work questions, I felt it was safe because she asked about you and baby, in hindsight maybe I thought about her too much. He liked that she was a good listener and he liked listening to her stories--that her family stories were funny/nice and he wishes his family (parents etc not me) were like that (he is not close to his family). She was divorced at the time (cheated on by her exH). Back then I didnt think it was wrong at all, but now knowing how much it hurt you, now I know more about boundaries etc I feel GUILTY and bad and I hate myself for doing that to you. 

Then he went on to talk about his low self esteem, how he feels badly for doing this, he shouldnt have made his closest connection (besides me) an opp sex friend. He said he knows NOTHING would have happened but he didnt realize at the time maybe he enjoyed her company more than he should have. He still says he is not physically attracted to her all, it was more the attention she gave him. 


So now I know we had a huge argument last night, we were emotional and upset. Lots of honesty though...

BUT this morning a longer better talk, lots of communication. I told hom I finally forgive him, I'm ready to move on. He said he is going to talk to me, not just want I want to hear, use an internal meter to tell me when he's not happy. To tell me when he's not happy and not look to other people. I promised ro be a better listener and not react immediately. 

So progress right? Since they work together, any tips on how *I* can not let it get under my skin at all? Just work on my own issues and LET GO? I'm guessing thats my answer?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Like I said in the other thread, I think your feeling are fully valid. It was also good to finally get everything out. Yes he had a strong EA, but it seems you are ready to move on.

I think that's great.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Like I said in the other thread, I think your feeling are fully valid. It was also good to finally get everything out. Yes he had a strong EA, but it seems you are ready to move on.
> 
> I think that's great.




Yes it does feel 'somewhat' better to have gotten it out. Maybe in a few days I'll feel better about knowing...I still hate to think of it as a 'strong EA'...I mean everything that was talked about was stuff that could have been said in front of me. No texts/emails/communications were ever hidden. The ONLY thing made me uncomfortable was all the times I noticed he checked her FB page (not actually communicating but just looking around). :scratchhead:


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Yes it does feel 'somewhat' better to have gotten it out. Maybe in a few days I'll feel better about knowing...I still hate to think of it as a 'strong EA'...I mean everything that was talked about was stuff that could have been said in front of me. No texts/emails/communications were ever hidden. The ONLY thing made me uncomfortable was all the times I noticed he checked her FB page (not actually communicating but just looking around). :scratchhead:


I think people in a working environment can become close friends. I was in a situation where I supervised a crew of women. Some of them are still good friends 25 years later. We discussed lots of personal things, and I was always there for them....I saw a couple through divorces, and one through the death of her husband....We were all GOOD friends even though I was their boss...Nothing ever happened that was even minutely inappropriate. 

There was another woman who worked there at the same time. She was the QA manager, and we had some friction in our early dealings. She thought one of her employees had provided me with drawings and a request for a design project.....

After a couple of head bumps, I emailed her a copy of the very crude sketches that I had gotten from her employee...To my surprise she sent me a very nice apology, saying she was so sorry for our misunderstanding, and that her employees input had been totally inadequate to work with.....

We became very good friends. The company was being seriously mis managed, and we were 2 of a very few people who were holding the whole thing together....

She had been given her position during a management shakeup, and was not qualified to do it. 

Within 3-4 months she grew into that position, and was doing a great job. I have always admired competence, and admired her for the personal growth she had shown.....

We got to the point where I could walk into her office, close the door and just talk about everything...Our jobs, family, etc. We were intellectual equals in a place where intellect was in short supply.......

We were as good friends as I was with any of my male friends. We respected each others abilities and commitment....Our relationship was one of mutual respect .....

As with my female employees, NOTHING of an inappropriate nature took place or was contemplated...In a highly stressful work environment, people are thrown together, and become close, that doesn't mean they are having an EA.....

I think it is time you cut your husband some slack in this matter and moved on...He clearly has your feelings on EA's and should be able to respect boundaries in the future.....

good luck
the woodchuck


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