# Any way to get over the hurt?



## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

My wife and I of 9 years have been in a stale mate in our marriage for about a year now. We were talking yesterday and my wife truly believes that even though she has seen me change for the better, she feels that getting out of the relationship is the only way for her to be able to get over the hurt and anger she has bottled up inside. She says that there is so much hurt that she doesn't feel she could ever try to work on our marriage. And she doesn't understand how various books and web sites say to just forgive and move on. To her, the books and web sites are trying to "fix" her. With the hurting, there's 2 main causes for it. The first being that she had some visions/dreams of how I was and I didn't live up to those visions. One main one being that she thought that most guys were like her dad and just knew how to fix things, build things, etc. The other main cause of her hurt is that she let small arguments or disagreements that never got settled to her satisfaction fester and over time, this just built up. How does one begin to try to get over this hurt especially if one has a very stubborn mindset (which she fully admits is the case)? Or is it easiest/best just to get out of the relationship because otherwise she will never have a chance to heal from the hurt she is feeling? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

David-Sorry to hear you are going thru this. My H told me the same thing, that he has too much resentment to work on our marriage. That he just needs to get out of it completely and start over again. Truth is, a marriage is hard work and I just don't feel like running is a way to solve anything. After all, if you are the person who gets left, you will always have it in the back of your mind...when will they walk out again? 

There are alot of people here who give really great advice. Hang in there!


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## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing and thanks for the positive words. I fully understand what you're saying about trying to work on things versus running away from the whole issue. I've tried to tell my wife that but she is stuck on the mindset that getting away is best.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Awww david sorry you have to go through this as well. I think basically there are two types of people. One that runs when things get tough and one that stays and puts the work in. This whole running business is stupidity. They will find themselves in the same situation with someone else someday. Have you asked her if she would try marriage counseling? If she does, do your research and find a pro marriage therapist or otherwise like me, you will shoot yourself in the foot. 
Do you have children? I hope that you can get through to her before its too late. Unfortunately for most of us we didn't get that chance.


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## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

We went to a marriage counseling session (someone who was pro-marriage) a little while back but it didn't do any good. The counselor gave us things to work on but the wife told me shortly afterwards that she just went for my benefit. She never tried any of the things that the counselor suggested. 

No, we don't have children. She has admitted she was glad that we didn't have children otherwise she would have been more "forced" to try. 

I wish I knew exactly what it would take to get through to her. I can't count the number of times she has told me that she is "broke" and it's "too late". But even with her having said that several times, I know she hasn't done any research such as figuring out if she could get a mortgage and buy out my share of the house or even talk to a lawyer.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*I think basically there are two types of people. One that runs when things get tough and one that stays and puts the work in. This whole running business is stupidity. They will find themselves in the same situation with someone else someday. *

Very, very, very well put Believe. That has been my exact experience as well. Unfortunately, it takes two people to "screw up" as well as "fix" a marriage. Without her commitment and buy in David, you are extraordinarily limited in what you can accomplish. Hopefully, she will come around in time.

LIL


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