# Another Vasectomy thread



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was going to reply to first year down's thread because it got me thinking about certainty in the decision to have permanent birth control.

I'm 35, separated since May '11, divorce to be final hopefully soon, started dating and sex life again, but deathly afraid of unwanted pregnancy at this point in life. My ex W had her tubes tied a couple years before this whole separation business, I wasn't ready to get snipped back then but she said she was getting tubal for herself, regardless of whether I got a vasectomy or not.

So now my only child is five years old, I'm probably several years away before ever getting to a point in a relationship where choosing to have children is something I would consider. And I know with certainty I don't want to be raising an infant in my 40's. I am content with one child, and honestly do not see more children in my future, though maybe adopting or even fostering, and I can see myself getting married again but not for atleast a few years. I see myself creating a "blended" family, such as marrying a woman with her own children, but not one with children whom would be "yours, mine, ours". (to me it seems not fair to the older kids whom would have less "rank" then their younger more fortunate sibling with two real parents)

Anyway, I have a consultation for vasectomy next week... my reasons are primarily to give me as much piece of mind that I never have to deal with the responsibility of unwanted baby. Also, I have found in recent years the equipment doesn't deploy like I want it to, making condoms a very frustrating deal for me (perhaps its mind over matter, I just can't overcome it, the sound, sight, smell and feel of them just overwhelm my fears). I've considered the blue pill to help, but once things are going (without the rubber) I got plenty to work with. Other forms of BC don't bring me the same piece of mind: fertility awareness is too unreliable, pull-out is just not satisfying enough, I honestly can't trust a partner enough to take complete responsibility for oral contraceptives.

This is a tough decision, not because I feel uncertain of my decision, just because it is such a permanent choice. But I am 97.5% (?) sure that's what I want.

Thoughts? How do you know, and is it weird that a recently divorced man would be seeking this, shouldn't I be out there using my divorce as a chance to go spread my seeds (from an evolutionary standpoint)?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes some issues to consider... and I certainly have been considering. I am not asking this forum to make a decision for me, just want to gain some other points of view so I don't overlook anything.

As to marrying a woman whom hasn't had a child, I honestly haven't been able to see myself really having a relationship with such - all the single childless women I meet are more into personal hobbies, travelling, and wordly things and I don't think most of them can even really comprehend the reality of getting less then full undivided attention from their man. I think most of the women who want children have either already had them or else have psychological issues preventing them from attracting a mate to procreate with. And I think many women who haven't really come that fork in the road are just not mature enough for me to consider starting a family with. Yes I realize I am generalizing a lot, but if I want to have more kids (and be a responsible father to them) my window of opportunity is very small...

As to STDs, well that to me is a managed risk, I'm not into casual sex, not sexually aroused when I'm with a woman I don't trust or whom is promiscuous. I carry protection for those spontaneous chance encounters that may happen someday, just probably won't even need to use it. But it has happened before, so I agree that it is a risk. Between the pressure of imagining a future of unwanted pregnancy or serious STD it is a real turn off for me (which I think is a huge part of my performance issues). It really sucks because I love sex and do not want to have to abstain for years (that doesn't solve my problem only makes it worse).

Right now I am certain I don't want to have more children, its the unknown that is stumping me, but doesn't that unknown apply to every single man who ever has or ever will get snipped? It is a big deal, but then again it really isn't there are so many solutions to infertility - I like my genes, and nobody will ever come close to how I love my one child, but after divorce priorities change around, I cannot be elitist enough to say my sperm is that important. permanent birth control will help me overcome a part of the psychological barrier that is keeping me from being able to have a safe and healthy sex life.


----------



## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

If you aren't to 100% yet, I say don't do it. 97.5% is not 100% totally sure with no doubt whatsoever. Any miniscule amount of doubt means you are not ready. Hope this helps.


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Since you aren't into promiscuous sex, used condoms til you meet a keeper and see what she says about it.
You might change your mind some day if you meet a woman with no children who.....voila.....is so fabulously wonderful you CRAVE a child with her.
It could happen. Maybe not but what's the rush?


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I'm so excited to see this thread, I didnt even spend the time to read it all. I/we have been thinking about this - and I've pretty much decided to do it.

The situation.

Dear wife has pretty much been on the pill for.. what.. 25 years? I dont like that anymore really - I have a problem with chronic use of anything. She sort of wants off too and said so - she is not pressuring me at all - I bet she would move for condoms if she felt she needed to - and rightfully so. Her doctor sort of hinted its been a long time as well.

We have a couple kids and we are done in that department. Very done, so the question of it being the 'right choice' for us is a no brainer. Certainly far easier than getting he tubes tied.

I have 2 concerns:

1) Im a believer in that hormones, pherimones, subconciousness... all are a very tricky business - tricky enough that this type of change after so long could have unexpected resultsin the relationship. Anyone been on the pill that long and come off it

2) Im a pretty robust guy I suppose.. and not easily rattled. I do however have an irrational fear of needles... its silly. I broke out in a cold sweat and nearly passed out giving blood once. Silly as it sounds, it seems thats just the way my body reacts. The though of someone taking a scalpel to my sack makes me pretty nervous. No, it makes me want to vomit from fear. On the other hand - I really want to do this - I feel like Its my turn to pay back. The wife has been (god love her) VERY, very dedicated and fathful and responsible with the pill.. and I know some ladies that were not so good - so I so appreciate that to no end.

So - anyone that had it... any comments on the procedure? Relatively quick and easy? Do I need to shave my junk before I go? Any pain afterwards.


Seriously - I've been thinking about this for a few months now and am about to give the doctors office a call but have been dragging my feet. You know, that doctor I have only seen twice in 10 years. Of course, its a SHE too - wont that be fun. Ugh.

Dont mean to hijack this thread but would love some feedback. I guess I'll go read the rest of it now... but basically this isnt something I would do if I was only 97% sure. Im pushing 50 now so having more kids at this point would be more problematic that not being able to have more.


ahhh... I see the 'other thread' now too.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/37917-vasectomy-advice.html


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I'm so excited to see this thread, I didnt even spend the time to read it all. I/we have been thinking about this - and I've pretty much decided to do it.
> 
> The situation.
> 
> ...


I went through it for the same reasons you mention: Wife on the pill for about 25 years, we had three kids, easier than tubal. They have options (or at least mine did) where they knock you out (so the only needle you see is the IV). Still outpatient, but you need to stay at the hospital for about 4 hours until you fully wake up.

I would not have done it if I was not 99.9% sure, but that is just me. Part of it is knowing where you are in your life. Can you see having another child under any circumstances?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> Since you aren't into promiscuous sex, used condoms til you meet a keeper and see what she says about it.
> You might change your mind some day if you meet a woman with no children who.....voila.....is so fabulously wonderful you CRAVE a child with her.
> It could happen. Maybe not but what's the rush?


what's the rush? I guess that is really the question I'm asking myself. I think my answer is so I can enjoy sex more.

I really can't foresee myself wanting another child, and had spent the last couple years of my marriage (since my W made the decision for herself to have a tubal) accepting that one child was enough. I don't feel any resentment that my W decided to take that decision upon herself - we had talked about it and though I wasn't ready enough to get a vasectomy I knew that the decision to have another child was something that required mutual consent.

So with that all behind me, I really haven't spent any time thinking about more children, I was already ok with never having another child. Now with the single life ahead children becomes a renewed opportunity, one which I have to consider but that over and over I just keep feeling like it is done... the thought of unplanned children brings me anxiety, ten years earlier, even five and I know that I absolutely would be seeking a mate who would bear me children, but right now I am on the threshold of opportunity. Within the next couple years I know I will be past that threshold for sure, so I could hum and haw for awhile until the decision is easier to make, but looking at that scenario, being afraid of the ultimate consequence of sex is not nearly as appealing as being sterile, I feel like I'd be keeping myself on hold and I'm tired of living like that.

Yes, fear has controlled my sex life almost my whole life, I know it is not healthy but I am working on it, but suddenly I'm at a point in life I realize that a vasectomy is a feasible option to alleviate a good chunk of that fear. It is not the perfect solution and doesn't give me the right to go screw around, but it would free up some of my emotional energy that is stuck worrying about getting burdened with an unwanted lifelong obligation.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have two family members whose partners became pregnant, and know of at least a half dozen other cases despite being on the pill. 

If you are relying on your partner to cover birth control, you are taking a tremendous gamble.

I knew I DID NOT want that to be me.

I'm 46 single, and do not want to father any more children. I love kids ... but I don't want to be responsible for any more. Cut and dry.

Most women that I have connected with, have been thrilled that I'm snipped.

There is distinctly a pool of women in their late 30's and early 40's that are looking to start families. Truly wish them the best, but for obvious reasons, I wouldn't be a good match.


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> ...I would not have done it if I was not 99.9% sure, but that is just me. Part of it is knowing where you are in your life. Can you see having another child under any circumstances?


I have thought about the 'if your kids are killed in a plane crash' thing. As horrifying as that is to even contemplate - its unanswerable reallly. No doubt there would be an urge there - but Im/we are getting up into the 'we are getting too old for kids' zone.

I know someone who is 75 who has a 16 year old daughter she adopted as an infant (I guess she would have been 59 or 60). (She raised 6 of her own kids and always suffered major 'empty nest syndrome' after most of them grew up and left.)

I definitely do not want to be a grandpa-dad. I find that a little depressing and disturbing in several different ways. Probably not the best thing for the child though I feel guilty saying that if someone has the need. Not for me.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm not a guy and I'm not in your shoes.

I personally would not do it. You may end up with the woman of your dreams and want to have a child with her. Condoms are not bad at all. It's smart and safe to use them while your starting a new relationship or if you have a one night stand. Not all women are honest and could have herpes, genital warts, hepatitis, or even AIDS. 

Can you imagine having a chronic illness that can totally be prevented. Making excuses not using a condom is silly. You may want to make darn sure your not going want future children. It seems like your questioning yourself already. I personally would not be sleeping with someone new without a condom if I were single, as a woman. 

I wasn't going to remarry and have children. I changed my mind when I met my husband. We have a fabulous marriage and 2 beautiful girls. Neither one of us could imagine life without them. Anyways, just a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

stritle said:


> ...don't you shave already? it's 2012 now not 1979. no need to go all chewbakka....


Chewie. Ew. 

Just a close trim is fine for me. Works for both of us. Neat and clean. 

Besides, I do have typical hair on my thighs etc.. seems a little wierd having totally bald junk in the middle of the rest of me....like I spilled 'NAIR' on my pivates.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't want to make excuses for not using condoms, I'm sure I have some sexual hangup that makes it difficult for me, I'm working with my doctor and counselor to figure out the physical and mental causes. Some, definitely not all, men will say they understand the aversion to condoms - I don't have any kind of philosophical aversion to them, its purely what seems like a physical reaction that is frustrating to me about them. I still have a high desire, I want to just bang sometimes, but as soon as I'm aware of the condom it all just goes limp... nothing more frustrating then during what otherwise is wonderful lovemaking to not be able to penetrate, especially when things can so easily get going by being "bare"... sometimes if I've got a really firm headstart and can manage to get it on and even enjoy a few moments of sex with it on, but inevitably I just can't stay hard. I don't know if it lack of sensation (I've tried different brands and types) or if it just classical conditioning or something else, but never once have I had any success with them. Maybe my answer lies in viagra and yet more kegels, muscle my way through my issue somehow.

When my W was on BC sex was great for me, when we were trying to conceive it was also awesome... after she got her tubes tied it started out really good but our marriage was starting to come apart at that point. It became a sexless marriage and it wasn't until I started my new relationship that it dawned on me my aging equipment may have contributed a large part of it.

Now it seems like a silly reason to be trying to justify vasectomy, but for me this really isn't the reason, it is about the timing, I find myself at an age and point in my life where this makes a lot of sense to me, and I know with certainty that my sex life will improve. I am not seeking a reason to not practice safe sex, I would most definitely prefer to, maybe this is why I've had so few sex partners in my life, because I need that security first.

I can't believe I am writing these thoughts on a public board on the internet, yeesh!


----------

