# Help Please



## shadow7 (Jul 12, 2011)

My husband and I just got married about 1 month ago. Where he used to work he was friends with this girl. He would facebook chat with her all of the time and she would send him texts. He would also send her his stories to read, stories that he never shared with me. I looked at her profile once and there were pics of her in just her bra and underwear, not someone I really want my husband to hang around. He knew that I never really cared much for her but I never said anything about them being friends. Then about a week after we got back from our honeymoon, he left his facebook acct logged in and I saw his chat with her which was the night before our wedding and lasted until about 2 in the am. He was talking to her about girls that he had slept with in the past and other things that he never told me. Never once did she mention anything about him getting married the next day. I confronted him about this. He said that he suspected she had feelings for him but he didnt have feelings for her and he never cheated. I then discovered that he went back to his old work to see her and told her that I didnt want him talking to her. She told him that it was a mistake for him to marry me. I found his phone bill and found out that he still continued to text her after I asked him not to. And I asked him several times had he texted her back and he repeatedly said no. He even swore on my life. I confronted him with the phone bill and we got into a huge argument. He promised that he would never speak to her again and agreed to get a new number. I don't know how to get over this and trust him again. He says that I made him lie and that I am blowing this up but it hurts so bad. I dont know what to do. I cant sleep. Please help


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## suzett (Jul 12, 2011)

Well, it is very natural and normal not to trust him since he lied to you. Do you have any children together? I have to ask that question, because he appears to not be feeling as devoted as he should be as far as commitment to his marriage and relationship to you. He needs to cut this relationship off completely and immediately. Marriage means "forsaking all others". It sounds like he is not in agreement with you as to what that means. I understand you are hurt and therefore upset. But this is really a time to see if his idea of being married is the same as yours. You both made promises and it appears that there was a red flag even before the wedding (the long chat) so if he does not want to be transparent with you about his relationships he may not be "husband material", and the sooner you find this out the better. I'm sorry to have to share these hard things with you, but if you want a faithful marriage than you must be with someone who also wants that and shows it by their behavior. Love is shown by actions not just words. If you tolerate his divided feelings they will continue. So let him know what you expect and if he will not comply then end the drama, and take some time to find a man who understands what it means to be married and committed.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You've got several problems. The fact that you are newly weds makes these things even more troubling. Since your husband is sharing very personal information with this girl that he doesn't share with you makes this an emotional affair. Also, both your husband and this girl's behavior indicates it is a strong emotional attachment. Therefore, this should be treated as an affair. Your husband needs to STOP all contact with her--as in you witnessing him sending her the "no contact" letter.

Next, your husband will need to live a transparent life to restore trust. No more secrets. You will need access to all his accounts--Facebook, e-mails, phones, etc. If he isn't willing to do this, it's because he has something to hide.

Now on to the lying...... No, you didn't make him lie. He chose to do that! Lying is a serious character flaw within an individual. Unfortunately it isn't an easy thing to fix. Lies are there to cover things up. Then more lies are needed to support the lies told previously. Over time it becomes a huge cob-web. The bottom line is that a thriving marriage lives on trust. Trust does not live where there are lies. 

Knowing what I know now, I see serious red flags. I would be running. You may want to seriously consider marriage counseling before you get more time invested in your marriage. I wish you the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shadow, I would get an annullment. You have only been married a month and this guy is bad news for you.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

suzett said:


> Well, it is very natural and normal not to trust him since he lied to you. Do you have any children together? I have to ask that question, because he appears to not be feeling as devoted as he should be as far as commitment to his marriage and relationship to you. He needs to cut this relationship off completely and immediately. Marriage means "forsaking all others". It sounds like he is not in agreement with you as to what that means. I understand you are hurt and therefore upset. But this is really a time to see if his idea of being married is the same as yours. You both made promises and it appears that there was a red flag even before the wedding (the long chat) so if he does not want to be transparent with you about his relationships he may not be "husband material", and the sooner you find this out the better. I'm sorry to have to share these hard things with you, but if you want a faithful marriage than you must be with someone who also wants that and shows it by their behavior. Love is shown by actions not just words. If you tolerate his divided feelings they will continue. So let him know what you expect and if he will not comply then end the drama, and take some time to find a man who understands what it means to be married and committed.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do NOT get pregnant.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Do NOT get pregnant.


+1


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## nickiej904 (Jun 28, 2011)

He obviously is not ready to be married. Not mature enough for it. Not ready for a permanent commitment. Get marriage counseling NOW! He needs to understand what his issues are, and you do too. You may need to get out. And I agree with the others....do NOT get pregnant!!!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Shadow, I would get an annullment. You have only been married a month and this guy is bad news for you.


This. The red flags are too glaring to ignore. This guy is simply not ready to be married.


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## Mckiwi (Jul 10, 2011)

Birth control. Lots of it. And a very open conversation about why the hell he is/so attached to this woman why he married you (and whether or not you'll actually ever trust him again). Be honest with yourself about it, forever is a long time to be checking someones email accounts and feeling ill when they're out without you (assuming you go the whole "access to his email, facebook etc. route) If you don't think you ever really will trust him, better figure that out now.


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