# advice needed please



## cpn3

I have several issues in my marriage and I'm sorry if these are repeated subjects in this forum and I am sorry for the long post. I am only married for 3 years, married to my husband and first boyfriend since 21 years of age, we have an 8 year age gap. Several problems arose and although we thought we had forgiven each other, it seems that there is a resentment laying underneath that just makes everything seem so cold. I look at him and feel nothing anymore. 
Worst of all, to my shame, I've become infatuated with another man, a co-worker, who fortunately has no idea about my feelings, I obviously do not have a relationship with him and I know there is no possibility of it ever existing but he is in my thoughts every time, I am hoping this infatuation will die soon but until then I am eaten up with my feelings and I can't relate to my husband anymore. 
Within a year of our marriage, I found out that he used to chat with camgirls in an escort website, he swears to me that he never met these women in person. He swore to never do it again. After we had a discussion about it and thinking I had forgiven him, I was suspicious and throughout time, I went crazy. I kept checking his phone when he wasn't looking, I kept trying to track his activity, asking him endless questions. That phase is over now and I do believe that he does not do it again. But I don't see him as man anymore. He has no passion, he hardly ever initiates sex and when he does its all about him, he also can't do it without taking pills. I asked him if he would like to see the doctor about it but he says this is normal for him. I have no physical proof of cheating or of maybe a porn addiction and I don't know what to think. I feel disgusting and undesired when I'm with him. At the beginning of our marriage, since sex was new to me I didn't think too much on the subject but it just keeps getting worse for me. Part of me feels like this but another part feels guilty because he is a good person and he is hard working, he encouraged me to develop my career in nursing, I know that part of him is caring but at the same time I feel like he discards me.
He even shares more with his mother than me. I don't have a good relationship with his mother because she interferes too much , she needs to call 3 times a day and be on the phone with him for an hour, once she came to stay 2 months at our home and acted like she owns the house, whenever she wants something or has an opinion on something he will do anything and if I disagree, he'll scold me in her presence. He also decided that the next time we move, his parents will come to live with us. 
I'm probably not an easy person as well but adding things up, I hardly see a future with this person. Its eating me up. Everyday I imagine myself being free from this even though I know I probably don't realize how difficult divorce is. He's aware of how I think and I even told him about this infatuation I developed for my co-worker and when I ask him about our marriage, he just says that he is happy with me and that the only thing that bothers him is my bad relationship with his mother. We've done counselling and we're in the same situation. Thank you for who ever took the time to read this.


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## Personal

So what do you want to happen?


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## Luckylucky

It sounds like you don’t love him anymore? 

I can see that a major issue might be that he’s very entwined with his mum & may be the reason why he’s not really into his marriage and looking for fantasy escapes, all the sexual difficulties etc. Most teenage boys distance themselves from mum and don’t want her breathing down their neck right?

How much contact do you have with your friends and family? It’s kind of nice when someone is close with their parents but this sounds too much. That’s fine, but in these situations I like to ask if there is any control from his end - does he try to stop you from seeing your friends or family, or make an effort to also be close with your family? Examine the dynamic there - is he only really close to her, or is he able to have close relationships with your family and above all; you.

The crush on your coworker isn’t ideal, but you’re aware and you’ve also told him loud and clear. Again, he’s loudly telling you the only issue in his life is that you don’t get along with his mum - it speaks volumes that your crush isn’t worrying him a lot more than his mother issue. He is also planning a future where his parents will live with you... I just don’t see him choosing you at all.


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## cpn3

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like you don’t love him anymore?
> 
> I can see that a major issue might be that he’s very entwined with his mum & may be the reason why he’s not really into his marriage and looking for fantasy escapes, all the sexual difficulties etc. Most teenage boys distance themselves from mum and don’t want her breathing down their neck right?
> 
> How much contact do you have with your friends and family? It’s kind of nice when someone is close with their parents but this sounds too much. That’s fine, but in these situations I like to ask if there is any control from his end - does he try to stop you from seeing your friends or family, or make an effort to also be close with your family? Examine the dynamic there - is he only really close to her, or is he able to have close relationships with your family and above all; you.
> 
> The crush on your coworker isn’t ideal, but you’re aware and you’ve also told him loud and clear. Again, he’s loudly telling you the only issue in his life is that you don’t get along with his mum - it speaks volumes that your crush isn’t worrying him a lot more than his mother issue. He is also planning a future where his parents will live with you... I just don’t see him choosing you at all.


Thank you for reading. He gets along with my family. He says that between me and his mom there is no difference of priority, that family is a whole unit and that includes his parents. During one of our arguments after we married, he told me that if his mother didn't like me in the beginning of our Relationship he wouldn't marry me, that should probably give me closure... 
Our therapist said to us that we are both the primary unit and that we should make an effort to prioritize each other but he disagrees.


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## cpn3

Personal said:


> So what do you want to happen?


Thanks for reading. 
In my mind I imagine myself ending this and I keep thinking of my co-worker but that is not realistic.


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## Sfort

You need to manage your issues in order. Do not cheat with the co-worker. This marriage is dead. It's time for you to take care of yourself and move on. You've already tried counseling. You have to teach people how to treat you. 

The longer you wait to do what you need to do, the more you are going to suffer. You made a mistake marrying this guy. Fix the mistake. Then you are free to pursue your co-worker or whomever else you choose.


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## frenchpaddy

i think you need to end one relationship before you start another , 
you have had too much LIKE A ship taking in water and you have lost trust in him 
take a look at the most famous tit for tat relationship in our time that was played out in public prince charles and lady D 
you have to think of what is best for you and your child


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## MattMatt

You are having couple's counselling and your husband either thinks he knows better than the counsellor, or just can't be arsed to bother working with you on your marriage.

You take your marriage seriously, whereas he doesn't.

Time to call time, I think?


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## Rob_1

One, I mean only one life to live and for you the clock is ticking away. 

Don't waste any more of your life's time.


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