# Triggered hardcore tonight - feeling weak



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I had a hardcore trigger, followed by a massive panic attack.

Sparing the details, it was something stupid and innocent and I recognized it as such and tried to contain the damage. Went to the old standby of journaling, and while working through that exercise realized the core problem and after 2 pages wrote a list of what I was FEELING which helped tremendously.

What bothers me most about this incident is how weak it makes me feel. It was like a slap in the face, how much my WS actions still have control over my life. 

I want to be in control of how I feel and how happy I am. I am a recovering Mr Nice Guy, and sometimes the backsliding just kills me. I see how unhealthy it is and just want it to stop....


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I also had a couple triggers recently after doing pretty well and they caused me to have vivid, unpleasant dreams. A series of one after another in the early morning hours. 
No fun.

Hope you feel on the upswing soon!


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Off to gym now, trying to take care of myself.

I feel like I am making great progress in many areas of my life, but progress with the WS seems nonexistant (at the moment anyway) and I feel like I personally am taking steps backwards in that department and I just really don't like feeling this way.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

You are processing and it's important to go through this process even though it's so incredibly difficult. The more you take these stabs of pain from triggers the better you'll recover from the trauma of the affair. 

Heal from this trigger and know that when the next one comes not to beat yourself up over it too much. Know why you are having the reaction to the trigger, allow yourself to have that reaction and cope with it. Soon those reactions won't be so intense and the triggers not so powerful so you won't be so upset over it. 

Relationship Repair Coach


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks for the encouragement. 

One of the problems is when I get upset and I withdrawl from my WS. We are trying to R, and the cycle of withdrawl prevents us from making progress towards R.

We have made good progress towards R so far, but my withdrawling feels to me as if it puts us back at square 1. 

I suppose I am harboring guilt over that behavior, especially because I know it is upsetting for my WS (who has an intense but unadmitted fear of abandonment) and is a repeat of the behavior patterns I have that contributed to a very unhealthy marriage.

Anyway, just venting frustration and being introspective about the situation.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Journaling really helps me.

I usually start just rambling and then put together coherant (sp?) thoughts, which spark additional coherant thoughts, then it's like a light switch, BAM feelings

Most of my sessions end with a list of how I am feeling at that exact moment. You cannot run from the feelings, you must embrace them and let them wash over you.

Then you feel better and you understand WHY you are upset AND you've experienced the feelings rather than repressing them and they will no longer control you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've had a couple of triggers with my guy due to the EA / just friends arrnagement he had.

One was when I was annoyed that I didn't hear sooner about weekend plans from some friends. My guy decided to be cheeky and said "maybe they don't like you." TO which I answered, "maybe they don't like you since two of them had remarked how they didn't like the way you were treating me on one occasion."

We had talked about that incident before since it came to light that during that time period I found his credit card statements which proved that he was taking someone out that he framed as "just a friend" at the same time that when we went out with my friends he made excuses for not paying for me ie a £5 drink and a £10 Sunday roast (lunch). I saw that he had paid a £127 bar tab when he was out with her and her friends.

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On another occasion, we were watching a documentary on TV which was talking about tax amnesty for immigrants. I asked, rhetorically, how can that be verified? HE actually had nerve to say, well, some people are honest. Oh really now, and who's that I should have asked. HE got an earful of something else, though. 

Am I overly sensitive? Will this need end any time soon?


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Journalling helps me, too -- especially if I stick it out long enough to really analyze what it is I am feeling. Unfortunately, the triggers don't really disappear and you never know when they will pop up, I think. Having a safe space to deal with them is important to healing. Hang in there.


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## HopelessArray (Jan 6, 2012)

Our counselor recommended journaling. I haven't done so yet, but your post makes me reconsider. I'm glad you have found an outlet for the onslaught of emotion, I find it encouraging.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I had never done any journaling before. I always do it in handwritting...it makes you "earn" the writting more then a computer which seems to make a little more "real".

The whole story of how I ended in therapy is sort of long and I am not interested in going there, but I had a tremendous amount of anger and resentment built up inside me - I couldn't eat or sleep. I was on a very destructive path. So I finally ended up in a T office, who suggested journaling as a way to release the anger.

This was mid October - so almost 3 months now I guess. I wrote everyday at first, because I just had so much to let go of. It wasn't necessarily an immediate unburdening, but it helped with the process for sure.

I didn't destroy my journaling - my WS found it and obviously it was a distrubing experience for her. Our initial MC sessions dealt with trying to repair that damage. 

When you journal, you spill out things that may not be accurate or a reflection of your true feelings...they are more symptoms of buried hurt. So there were things in my journal that my WS should not have seen - because they were a reflection of my inner turmoil, and not a reflection on my WS. That was a bad situation.

With practice, I find that I have developed a bit of a system. First I write what has happened. That makes me embrace my feelings, so I then write in generalities about how I feel. I make sure not to push the feelings away, I embrace them. I usually end up with a bullet point list of the specific root feelings. That puts a whole different perspective on everything...

For instance, I may start out with "I'm sad, I'm upset" and end up with "I feel like no one cares about me" in the bullet list. It's a lot easier to address "I feel like no one cares about me" then "I'm sad".


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Am I overly sensitive? Will this need end any time soon?


No, and no.

You are overly sensitive for a reason. 

You should try to learn how to manage those feelings and your reactions. No good comes from inflicting pain on those we love. You should realize that 

It won't end soon. It will become less often, especially if you address your problems instead of avoiding them. 

In time, it will become less and less often....I don't believe it will ever end.

If you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner in reconciliation, they can help you through those times in the future. I think that scenerio is pretty rare though


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Saki said:


> I had a hardcore trigger, followed by a massive panic attack.
> 
> Sparing the details, it was something stupid and innocent and I recognized it as such and tried to contain the damage. Went to the old standby of journaling, and while working through that exercise realized the core problem and after 2 pages wrote a list of what I was FEELING which helped tremendously.
> 
> ...




Sorry you are going through a hard time. Been there, done that.

This is exactly why I never advise staying with a cheater. I know if I had stayed with my wife that if a trigger came about, I would feel like slapping her across the face. No, I'd never do it. I am not violent and have never hit anyone (except in martial arts class). But the feeling of satisfaction would have been there.

But that isn't how I wanted to live my life, so I got rid of her.

Kudos to you for staying if its what you want to do. And if you never intend to leave, hopefully your triggers become less frequent and not as heart wrenching.


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