# Serious Mama's Boy Issues-Help!!!!



## Proud mama (Aug 1, 2011)

So, my boyfriend and I started dating back in 2006 and were together for about 2 years off and on (due to his unwillingness to commit/issues with his mom). When I met him he was living with his mom (keep in mind he was 39 at the time). He told me he was living with her because his father passed away and he was taking care of her since she was now all alone. He comes from a very old-school Italian family where the father did everything....she never learned to drive and barely speaks English still. When we first met I thought all of that was a sign of a sweet, caring man that should get a medal for everything he did.....until reality set in. 
He would be at my house watching a movie and she would call saying she thought she was having a heart-attack and he would run out of my house in an instant. Well, I can't tell you how many "heart-attacks" (aka, I need you by my side at all times or I will have a panic attack) she had before I had to call it quits....Until I found out I was PREGNANT, WITH TWINS!!!!
Well, we moved in together and I thought that maybe this would change things for us, but it never did. They call eachother numerous times a day, he takes her shopping every Saturday which takes them about 4-5 hours in total while the kids and I do things alone, not to mention dinner at her house every Sunday of course and everything in between. If I ask him to rearrange thier Saturday shopping schedule so we can do something as a family he will get so mad and defensive with me, claiming I don't respect his mom for everything she does and I'm selfish. If I had it my way I trade all the pasta and the 2 days of babysitting to have her out of my life but I can't because that is how he wants it. He feels that he owes her all of this for everything she has done for him his whole life. I understand him wanting to help her, and I respect that, but it's always under her terms. If she wants to go shopping a certain day, he will make it happen. If she calls him because she needs him to get something down from a tall shelf, he'll run over there in an instant. I even offered in the beginning to take her shopping but she would always decline because she wants him to take her. She is first in his life. Period. She calls the shots.
I am so sick and tired of the whole thing, not to mention our children are now 3 and I want to get married and he will come up with any excuse possible to not propose or marry me. That is a whole differerent story but I don't have enough room in this post to cover that mess. Between the mom and the marriage issues I feel like I am a walking doormat. I want out! But, we have a house and 3-year old twins together and even though I am a college grad with a decent job, I would be in serious financial trouble. I feel so trapped. What do I do?? I have been struggling with this for so long and now I am having serious feelings of resentment towards him to the point of wondering why I even push so hard for marriage when we have all these issues.
We have talked about these topics endlessly with him and it is getting me nowhere....I need advice!


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## Larrelye (Aug 1, 2011)

My situation was a little different. My mother in law was checking my bills, pretending to me be on the phone with the bank or my electric company, getting info about my medical conditions from nurses she knew (small town.... these nurses as well as the bank tellers who volunteered info to her were fired when I became irate and threatened legal action). As for my husband, after a couple years of this it's me or your mom. You tell her to stay out of our private business and she complies or I'm gone! For us that worked. To this day, I love his mother dearly and she is closer to me than my own mother is.

For your situation is much different. When I first started reading your post my thought was "39, lives with mom, hmmm..." Then as I read it sounds reasonable. Then the phone calls with the heart attack. If my mom called me every day with a heart attack, every day I would go see if she is ok. One day it might really be the big one and no one cared to check. She's setting herself as the boy who cried wolf. Everything else is just controlling BS used by Mom who's scared that if she's alone no one loves her.

You should be first in his life. If you aren't and talking and MC have not worked, you will have to decide if you are willing to accept his mother as she is or if you are willing to walk away. He is not going to tolerate you talking bad about her (if it comes to that point) Maybe you and the kids can join them during their Saturday shopping sprees. Keep in mind. If he took her shopping every Saturday before you married he's dedicated to this and isn't going to stop.


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## AllyM (Aug 2, 2011)

I have been married to the mama's boy for 17 years. We have been separated for a year now. He is home with his mom and dad. They don't change, funny, he just told me again tonight "i would never leave my family for you". When he says "we" he never means me or his kids just mom dad and him. Do Not marry this guy no matter what.


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

seem like it's a battle between you and his mom. Typically, the "gf" never wins. I'm curious about the reasons he push away marriage... I don't like the sound of this guy. It seems like he have no respect for the relationship between you two because he places you as second. Do you really want to marry someone like that? A license doesn't not change what happens in the household so don't think marriage will solve problems. Many marriages fail because people believe so. 

I would say "join in" on their activities; however, it should be a relationship between you and him, not you him and his mom. Try counseling. Or, if you want out so bad, set yourself up so that you can be financially stable. Things don't change overnight. a better job to help support you and your children would be a big step towards getting out. I'm curious about why he don't want to get married. That reason may play a huge role in the future of your relationship.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

he sounds like he should be married to his mum, if you want to be happy step aside and let him have his mum instead.

Real men treat their mothers with respect, but also set clear boundaries and put their wives first.


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## Proud mama (Aug 1, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I don't know why he does not want to get married for certain, but I would speculate that he either just doesn't love me and can't admit it and is just hanging on for convenience or the kids or he has issues with commitment. He has never been married or engaged in his 41 years, which makes me think commitment issues. He has told me it's not that he has a fear of commitment, just the fear of the relationship failing (divorce). Everyone can fear that if they let themselves, but it's faith in themselves and in that other person that help others actually take the leap. He can't seem to do that. Every year he says, next year will be the year. It's disheartening.
As for taking the kids shopping with her, we could all go together, but chances are it would be mass chaos. They go to the market, 2 differnent grocery stores, and to the bulk store (Costco). We have 3 year old twins that have zero patience. On top of that, every hour we all spend away from the house is lost time cleaning the never-ending mess we have in our house. Either way, I _could_ do it, but it's not solving the root issue here which is his lack of understanding for his family's needs (meaning me and the kids). I understand he needs to respect and help his mother and I want him to do those things, it's the fact that he won't ever bend on the rituals that they have carried together since before we met. His mother expects everything to be the same even though his life has changed drastically by having a family. She has no respect for that at all. Also, as far as the "heart-attack's" she was having when we first met, believe me, every day it is a different ailment with her and it is all anxiety driven. I'm really not a cold-hearted woman, I would worry if I believed she really has something wrong and needed medical attention, but after 5 years of witnessing these scenarios, it's all a cry for her son's attention and it is very manipulativer of her. She know's he will come running so she plays that card every time. He has an older brother that lives in the same city as us and she does not play these games with him and guess what...he's married.


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