# Officially, unofficially single again



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yesterday evening went to one of my old favorite restuarants. Something I had not done is about 5 years. My H never liked curry,so I never went to get some. Well, yesterday I got my mail and found my check from him in there :smthumbup: and decided that is what I wanted, so I went. Didn't feel that strange at all, and so good. It's been almost 4 months since the day my world was rocked, but that's OK...I got this!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kudos on the check.

Hesnothappy--try to stick to one thread.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You mean one for me and my exeriences? I thought it was the way to do to keep moving and do different subjects. LOLOL no problem.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Hmm. GOOD FOR YOU. Ive never even tried curry before!
I find it strange how I'm beginning to look forward to doing all these "new" things in my life. Trying new things. 

The funny thing is I'm not making myself look forward to it. I actually catch myself thinking about what the future is going to hold for me in a positive light. Doesn't happen often yet, but at least once a day I will catch myself in a thought where I seem almost excited to start this new journey.

If someone had of told me I was going to begin thinking about the future and getting my life back two months ago I would have laughed in their face.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> You mean one for me and my exeriences? I thought it was the way to do to keep moving and do different subjects. LOLOL no problem.


hmm. I like it when people open new threads. I find they sometimes just get awfully long and too off subject of the original post. Other times I forget to post a reply to someone because the title to the thread is so off topic to what we are discussing, I can't remember which thread it's in. I hate when that happens. 

But, this is all probably due to my own ignorance. lol.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well, the nerve of him ;o) Jy big headed azz H sent me a email today telling me that he will be mailing a joing Dissolution of Marriage packet to me. And will I fill it out and sign it WTF? I will sign it and return it, but I ain't filling out nothing but my name ane sign. He can fill it all out and pay for it, since it's what he wants. I did the wedding LOLOL I was not affected one way or another, I do thikn it is beneficial to me to draw this mess to a conclusion. I don't want to be held accountable for nothing due to him. I guess after he got some money, he wants to take care or all the business ;o) Oh well, I won't be losing nothing!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

hesnothappy said:


> Well, the nerve of him ;o) Jy big headed azz H sent me a email today telling me that he will be mailing a joing Dissolution of Marriage packet to me. And will I fill it out and sign it WTF? I will sign it and return it, but I ain't filling out nothing but my name ane sign. He can fill it all out and pay for it, since it's what he wants. I did the wedding LOLOL I was not affected one way or another, I do thikn it is beneficial to me to draw this mess to a conclusion. I don't want to be held accountable for nothing due to him. I guess after he got some money, he wants to take care or all the business ;o) Oh well, I won't be losing nothing!


Read it carefully you don't want to get scr***ed. Not by him anyway ;-). Sorry had to say that. But really, if something bothers u on there, get a lawyer or mediator. Whats on there is important to ur future. Just my thought, i would hate to see u get hurt even more later. Enjoy your new freedom!
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well, he ain't got shyt to give away. His only assest is he Thrift account, and at the rate he going it will be zero before long. His ex-wife got dibbs on 40% of the remaining. We never merged any bills and taxes. So there is nothing to put on the forms except give him free (amistad) LOLOL I will check it out, but looks to me like clear sailing for me. Praying for it at least. And you are so right, his scr^%w card expired 4 months ago ;o)


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well that is good that u kept accounts separated. My W and I would have 31 years of finances to unravel. It does appear as if it won't be too bad for you just be cautious!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yes that is the word of the day...caution. He is a pretty straight forward kinda idiot, not into too many games to try and scam his way into some money. But you got to keep both eyes open at all times when dealing with others.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Well, I have just completed my forms for the dissolution of the marriage ;o( Wasn't as bad as I thought. I am adding some clarification stipulations I want attached to the forms once filed. My H is just plain stupid...period. I have not talked to him, but I know things and one of them is he couldn't possibly be better off or happy living as he is. He in debt to his eyeballs. I guess whatever lured him out fulfills the other needs he has and makes him happy. I am doing pretty good. I have so much support, it is overwhelming sometimes. Last night went out night to a night club ;o( but I was with about 10 different friends and actually had a good time. Boy, I sure don't envy me having to get back out in the game again ;o( I kept thinking I should be home on the computer ;o) Got a lot of social events going on in my life right now and that is helping me get over the hurt of being alone again. Hope everyone here has a wonderful weekend.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Now I own up to the fact that my H told me he didn't want to get married, but I insisted. Well today I ran across a video tape of our proposal...not really us, but you get the idea. This had me dying in laughter today.

‪Kids fighting cause she wants to marry him SO FUNNY!!!!‬‏ - YouTube


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Happy Anniversary to me ;o( Today 2 years ago I was so happy... today, not so much. But I am not sad either. I am thankful for the opportunity to get married, and live a pretty happy life for 20months. I would do it again, even with all the pain of the last 4 months. I want everyone to have a stress free, good day on me ;o)


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

hope you had a good and stress free day


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

It was really OK, no crying, or too much time spent on coulda beens and whys. I just went about doing my thang and before I knew it, it was at the end of the day and nothing....up this is an elevation in progress ;o) Two years ago for about an hour I was the happiest girl at the dance. Thanks for checking up on me. Hope all is well with you.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Divorce papers are all done from both of us. Now he has to file them and then the judge will sign them? Has anyone ever had a judgement signed like this? How long does this type of ruling take in the courts? This whole thing is starting to make sense to me, I can see the inevitability of it all. I am no longer sad about the demise of my marriage, although I will probably for ever miss what and who we were in the beginning. The last 5 years were not a waste. In the end we both got what we wanted ;o)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you have a lawyer, ask how long this ruling should take. It all depends on the laws where you live, and the courts and the judge's schedule.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

No lawyers on either side. We don't have any joint ventures and both agree to let all business matter end and be the responsibility of the bills belong with the owners of the debt. It should be a clean sweep as we never mixed money or any accounts with each other. H is going to pay for the filing charges and whatever fees are associated with the divorce/dissolution.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lawyers or not, the local law/courthouse should be able to give you an idea of how long this will take.

Glad to hear its almost over


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ JB, it sounds crazy since I have been an emotional mess since he snuck out the door 4 months ago...but I am glad it will be over soon too. You can squeeze blood out of a turnip as my mother says, and if he wasn't happy...better he go find his happiness. I will be fine and someday true happiness will present itself to me, I pray for all of us ;o)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly. 

It's ironic cause while you hate to let the relationship go, you realize it's for the best. Having the finality of divorce does bring closure in a way.

I wish you luck & love


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

JB, yes you know where I am speaking. I do regret the end, but I also understand that this was destiny and it had to play out just as it did. It is up to me to absorb it and move on to the next spot God has for me in life. I don't think God wanted my marriage to fail, but he wanted me to not forget who he is and his position in my life, and I had done that to a certain degree. God showed me that I can stand through the most severe and fierce storm and come out to see the sun again. I am looking at all the sunlight that is shinning in my life right now, and it feels good on my body. I know dark days will return, but right now I can dance, dance, dance under the new sun.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> JB, yes you know where I am speaking. I do regret the end, but I also understand that this was destiny and it had to play out just as it did.


This is how I think of my divorce, too. It was fated to happen. Doesn't mean I was happy w/ the way it came about, just that it was not meant to be last any longer than it did. It was a part of my life that is over now. New beginnings...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

This is so me. I have been wanting to know what would make this H of mine get the nerve to leave me while I am work and uproot his daughter and her world. I have never had the opportunity to ask his cowardly azz, and I guess I never will. I was on another site today and found this gem and it has helped me start to get over the need for closure. 

Closure is a HUGE issue.

We all want something to end “completely.”

We all want answers, to understand.

We often hang around in a relationship, doing damage to ourselves, because we’re looking for that moment when it “all get’s clear.” When we finally say what we mean and what we feel and finally feel HEARD by him. When we feel a chapter has closed.

Only, it hardly ever happens that way.

We can end up spending so much of our lives waiting for, looking for, praying for, listening for, asking for, demanding, envisioning, thinking about, writing about…Closure…that never happens.

And – here’s the question to ask – Is Closure necessary? Is it really all that important?

And – I say NO. We most often will never get “closure,” and perhaps that’s a VERY GOOD THING.

Perhaps that’s the way we learn to be softer, more fluid and flexible. To roll with the “punches” …and to “Be Surprised.”

Perhaps this is where we finally learn to give up control.

Here’s a comment from Linda:

“Rori, I read a long time ago if you are angry with someone then it needs to be dealt with with that person so we don’t make innocent people in our lives victims of someone else’s crime against us. I think that issues that create the most frustration is when it can’t be resolved correctly and redistributed. I don’t mind feeling angry but it is getting out from under it that has been issue. Often I feel like I just have to swallow and live with it because well it is easier. Boy that is a bad way to live.

I have been angry for quite a while but have no place to release it. I used to turn it on myself but I have gotten past that now. I am so angry that I was betrayed and abandoned. I am angry with the situation that I find myself in now. I want to give it to its source but they are no longer in my life. There is no contact. There is no chance to talk thru it or deal with it. Again I have had to swallow it try to sort it and make it not matter but it still DOES!.. The issue is just there, I bump into it all the time and it usually takes on the form of the lower energy “sadness” but I think that is because there is no closure. Healing doesn’t come and is only replaced with dealing with it only. A overwhelming frustration lingers because of what he did to us.”

Here’s my answer:

You do NOT need closure. There is no such thing as closure. Forget “closure.” Just forget about it.

And – you do NOT need someone to work out your anger with. You can do it by yourself, on your own, talking to the mirror, journaling, drawing, jumping up and down and shouting.

Anger is energy – and energy is TRANSFORMABLE. Cleaning merely distracted you – but it also was Channelling,[...]

Anger is a vigorous response to a more helpless feeling like disappointment and fear. The answer is to sink down into the fear and sadness and grief, and USE the energy of the Anger to move you forward.

Every single moment of life you are being Triggered. Use those moments to heal. Don’t look for specific people to help unburden you. Work it out where you are in this moment.

So – there we are. Don’t NEED to close anything. Leave all doors be, let air move through, around, against, up and down all the open and half-closed and slightly ajar and slammed shut doors of our lives, until the doors finally disappear on their own, from misuse. Let the cobwebs gather around the old patterns, let the old pain drift away, let things crumble as they will.

No closure – just movement. Moving forward, onward to Happy Ever After.

And this is what I am going to continue to do....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, moving forward is key. SOmetimes the "closure" is that there isn't really "closure" ... it's just life going on...and acceptance


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ JB, I guess acceptance is a good substitute for closure. I accept that I will never know what motivated my H to do the awful things he did ;o) And I am not looking for closure anymore!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Have a wonderful day everyone. I know I will the alternative does not look attractive to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Amen to that!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Not so long ago, my life seemed so unhappy and full of despair. Time is the great healer. I finally get it. My H wanted to end the marriage and it all had little to do with me and it was completely out of my control. I am OK with that.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Gotta email from my H yesterday telling me we got one more form to fill out for the dissolution of marriage, which I will sign and return this morning. But the kicker, it says that we can't get married for 6 months, didn't know that ;o( it is time for it to be over! I have paid the price in full for my dastardly deed of loving him enough to want to be his wife and make him do right by me LOLOL that is a line from Color Purple btw ;o)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well unless you have your next husband lined up, I don't think the "can't get married for 6 months" is a bad thing, LOL.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

JB, naw not a problem at all...no one on the horizon ;o( As a AA mid age woman polls tell me it ain't likely to happen soon either. But I never listen to statistics about emoitional matters anyway ;o)

Last night I went to a annual charity concert, and had a wonderful time. This was the first time going without my H, and although a little strange very doable. I still wear my rings, so many probably didn't make much out of it. I am sure my sister told some of regular set, because they were giving me the sad, I am so sorry for you look. I didn't let my H absence upset the party for me ;o) This separation/divorce thing will be old hat to me soon ;o)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Life ain't fair, and you can count on people to try to take advantage of a situation. My question would be why do things have to be so hard? A woman I know told me a whale of a tale today. She and her H have been separated for 10 years and now that she wants to finalize the divorce, he says he wants half of her retirement plan. When he abandoned her long ago he said he was taking his and she could keep hers....now the story is flipped and he wants what ever her can get from hers? How on earth coule anyone see fit to give him some of her retirement money? I think at the very least they will credit him till the time in which he left? Anyone ever been through this type of situation?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Not that this applies to my situation, but I found it a good read and reminder before committing the same mistakes

Do You Want Your Ex Back? 5 Essential Questions To Ask Yourself Before Going Back 
Written by Angel Tyree on August 8, 2011 9:00 am 
View Photos 
My uncle married the same woman twice in his lifetime. Huh? Sounds crazy right? Breakups happen for all sorts of reasons like money shortage, complexities and demands of raising children, infidelity, or just plain ole’ lack of understanding about how to make it work but they are not always because the love is gone. When you find yourself yearning to get back with your ex-lover you have to first evaluate why the breakup happened and if it is really worth going back. Here are the essential 5’s to ponder before taking the dive: 

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work. What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself? Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth. Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship. 

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real. So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?” 

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface. 

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother? 

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process. 

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be. 

Good Luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great article, Hesnot. 

My bro married the same lady twice. They divorced twice too. LOL. I know of another couple who divorced and got remarried and are still together. 

I think the hardest thing about getting back with an ex is changing the dynamic that got you to where you ended up in the first place. It is HARD once those previous roles have been assumed!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I now JB, once a role has been esablished...hard to change them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know! It's so hard! One just has to hope that they don't go back to those roles in new relationships!

How are you doing now? Did you finalize the divorce yet?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I am doing great, in spite of it all ;o) I sent all the papers back to him and then I read we have to wait 6 months ;o( so I will be just doing me until I get the word from him on the legality. His freedom is very important to him,so I am sure he will let me know with a quickness LOLOL How are you doing?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hehe. 6 months will go by before you know it! 

I am doing fabulously  Thanks for asking.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks for posting that bit about closure. I'm struggling feeling like I just want this closure so bad, and I feel like it needs to come in the form of him telling me the truth. But I don't think that'll happen. I just need to let go of that notion once and for all. Sigh.

6 months will fly buy!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Lonely--I too, wanted him to tell me something, anything, to rationalize for me why he made his decision. And in the end I jsut accepted the fact that no matter what he said it wouldn't make a difference anyway--my closure was knowing I would never get the closure I felt I wanted/needed. Redundant but true! LOL


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Boy, as I come in here tonight I am sadden by the hurt so many are feeling at the loss of love. I can truly say been there and done that. I don't wish this on my worse enemy (if I had one) But I know that like the biblical verse, Joy does come in the morning. You just have to do your part and meet each new day, new experience, new hope with a heart full of Joy (not the same thing as happiness) We are so much stronger than we know. Life is not fair, but it is still good. I prayed continuously for the last 5 months and I will continue to pray for all those hurting and healing. As I wait on the finalization of the divorce from a man I chose to love and still love (even though he does not deserve it) I am alone, and as scary as it seems every day is better and better and it will be for everyone.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Waking up and wanting to wish everyone a good day. Go out there and make it do what it do baby (Ray) ;o)


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