# ok men...please give some simple insight!



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

my husband needs a break, says no one else is involved, he needs to figure himself out. 
i know this is silly but is there a truth behind this? what should i do? i dont want to push him away, i want to help him to come home!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sounds a bit fishy, but to be honest, i have felt that way a time or two (i am a husband) and there has never been another. i would be concerned of his vulnerability during his "figuring out" period.

how old is he? could it be a little bit of mid-life crisis?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

38, and it could be i have thought that myself... does everything he should with me and the children for the most part.on occasion he seems selfish a bit. its almost like he wants to be with me but ( around), but at times he cant handle it. make any sense?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Could be he is feeling as if he is losing his identity and he is having feelings of emptiness. It happens. As long as taking time to himself has an agreed upon time limit and plan to re-unite with you, it may really help him - unless there are actually ulterior motives. I have often felt this way myself especially after many years of marriage. People tend to become engulfed in their day to day activities that you start to forget who you are and how to really enjoy life. I know this may make you feel like if you are not important to him - if so, it is not true; you are important, this may not be about you. I think we all need some time alone to relflect on who we are, where we are going, etc. This is even more true once you hit age 40+. Hang in there, give him some space to find some peace and joy. But again, as the other poster stated, there will be some vulnerability if he just happens to be at the right place at the wrong time. See if you can offer him some "time off", but with some very minor conditions. Don't be afraid to bring up the subject of the possibly of there being someone else, he may or may not be honest about it, but at least he will know that you are not completely naive and have a concern. If it is actually about finding some time for him to reflect on himself, you may also benefit from it by taking advantage of the time to do things for yourself and find some down time as well. This is just my thought based on your post; if there is something else going on than it could be more complicated than what I am thinking.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

well, thats all very true bright.  my wife and i do nothing for ourselves anymore. all we do is for the kids, mostly sports related. every night of the week and most weekends. my wife never really had any hobbies but i have completely stopped all of mine, things that brought me joy and time for reflecting. it's not healthy to stop those things.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Okey, you are so right. It is so hard to raise a family, take care of a home, work, etc. that we lose ourselves. It's awful. If we really take time to think about it, it all makes sense that our SO's tend to stray. Think about why we fall in love in the first place, it's who she was and who you were when you first met that attracted you to each other, hell, if you erase all that (which raising a family tends to do) well you can see where I am going with this. So I don't know the magic formula, I wish I did. I guess my advice to younger couples although it sounds selfish is to put each other first and the rest will fall into place. That means each other first BEFORE the kids and work, etc. I know that sounds almost impossible but I bet that if someone can pull that off, the kids would be a lot happier seeing two happy parents. Also, trying new things as much as possible together would break the cycle of repeatedness.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Good points raised. This was another thing that hurt our marriage after the 1st daughter was born. We focused everything on her and nothing on us. Later, came daughter #2, #1 in school and its activities, and as you all say, work, home, garden, groceries, housework, if lucky, maybe 1/2 to 1 hobby apiece to take a break from the monotony, and there is no time left for either of you to connect.

Very important to keep this in mind


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

As our kids are getting older and leaving for college, I'm finding it harder and harder to feel "comfortable" at home. My wife has no hobbies and no interests (other than shopping and eating) - neither inside nor outside of the home. 

Her happiness and contentment is dependent upon me. This puts a lot of pressure on me and it's starting to wear me out. Plus, I've never been one to get away by myself but now, I'm starting to feel/desire the need to get away.

We've talked in the past about where her interests may lie but she doesn't know what she's interested in or passionate about. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

when my kids are gone (about 8 years) i plan on resuming my hobbies (golf, fishing, hunting) and she will not be part of that. matter of fact there may not be a she by then. i can see her finding a job that she will throw her entire being into and that will be her only focus.


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## Exitt95 (Aug 25, 2009)

Lost, I think it depends on what he means by needing a break. I think we all need a break. My wife and I have been married 20 years (this past June) but its only been in the last three years that we have decided to take a long weekend without the kids (6, 7 12 & 15). We have grandma and grampa nearby so that helps. But we Go to NYC or Miami or Vegas just for 3 nights where we arnt mom and dad, but we pretend we are just on a fling with no worries. Its great, and it gives us something to look forward to each year. In addition, a few years ago when my step father died, I told my mom I would visit her every year (she lives in Europe) and I felt bad about leaving wife and kids..but it was so relaxing. Now she visits her friends and family for a week or so each year, while I watch the kids. 

It is important for all of us to recharge, and I hope that's all your hub is looking for...we can not forget that we are not only moms, dads, employees, and bill payers..but we are individuals and need some "me" space sometime. Good luck.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

D8zed said:


> As our kids are getting older and leaving for college, I'm finding it harder and harder to feel "comfortable" at home. My wife has no hobbies and no interests (other than shopping and eating) - neither inside nor outside of the home.
> 
> Her happiness and contentment is dependent upon me. This puts a lot of pressure on me and it's starting to wear me out. Plus, I've never been one to get away by myself but now, I'm starting to feel/desire the need to get away.
> 
> We've talked in the past about where her interests may lie but she doesn't know what she's interested in or passionate about. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.


This is my wife. She has taken a back seat in our marriage for 15 years. When we went out it was all about me. She said she was a co-dependant and lost herself in me. Then we were married and her growing stopped. She became a kid of mine and not a partner. She is very weak and insecure so she took whatever I gave her thinking its normal. Now forward 10 years married and 1 kid later. She wants more. She doesn't like how I treated her and wants change. We seperate and I leave the house. Still coming back occasionally to mow lawn and do some other things but she is getting tired. After 2 months alone and 1 month of virtually no talk she comes back to the marriage near x-mas. Says she did it for daughter but that was BS. She was lonely and didn't want to spend holidays alone. We didn't work on what speerate us last time now another Mid-life crisis 5 years later for her 35th birthday. She once again wants a life and now we are 2 kids. She wants to have a social life but doesn't spend any time with kids. Just last night she came home in bad mood and right on FB all night. Did the minimal with kids. Feed/put to bed. Then back on until I came home at 11. So now I have a 15 year marriage on the brink of ending cause my wife is selfish and won't take responibility for her actions instead of blaming. Maybe she sees it before it goes to far but who knows..


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