# Showing pictures of an ex



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A friend of mine and I were recounting dating situations. As I dredged my memories about 2 guys, I realised both of them had created situations which then caused them to show me a picture of their most recent.

One time, we had just started dating. his parents had a BBQ so we went there. He pulled me into a room where a photo him and her were on the shelf.

Second time, we were on an afternoon date and happen to be in the neighborhood of his uncle. He had keys to his apartment but his uncle was not there. My date then said he wanted to show me something in another room which was, you guessed it, a picture of him and her. 

Just like to hear some other opinions about this type of maneuver.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

The first, not enough info, but probably icky. Was the picture there coincidentally? How did you know that was his most recent ex? 

The second one, not cool.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> The first, not enough info, but probably icky. Was the picture there coincidentally? *How did you know that was his most recent ex? *
> 
> The second one, not cool.


He told me that his most recent ex. 

why is the second scenraio particularly uncool. 

thanks for your opinion, btw


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

A basic rule of dating is you don't talk about an ex. That's about as sexy as farting when you're making out.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> why is the second scenraio particularly uncool.


I am assuming it was a girlfriend and not an ex-wife. Why would he go out of his way to show a photo of last ex? If it came in an oh BTW moment, OK. But purposefully I find that strange.

I don't think I ever saw a photo of my wife with and ex. Only some taken by an ex (who I've met).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> I am assuming it was a girlfriend and not an ex-wife. Why would he go out of his way to show a photo of last ex? If it came in an oh BTW moment, OK. But purposefully I find that strange.
> 
> I don't think I ever saw a photo of my wife with and ex. Only some taken by an ex (who I've met).


He was separated at the time negotiating his divorce.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Randomly coming across a picture of the ex is no big deal in my book, honestly I'm not the type who thinks you need to take down every family photo after a divorce to erase the ex from your life. But the second guy? Ummm...loser. To take you somewhere just to show you a picture of him and the ex is bizarre.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> ... we were on an afternoon date and happen to be in the neighborhood of his uncle. He had keys to his apartment but his uncle was not there. My date then said he wanted to show me something in another room which was, you guessed it, a picture of him and her.
> 
> Just like to hear some other opinions about this type of maneuver.


Well, I guess you can term it a "maneuver." It sounds just plain WEIRD to me. Other than asking him point blank why he wanted to show you a picture of him with an ex, you can only speculate.

Why not just ask him? Because I have no idea. I could say it sounds like he wanted to impress you that he had another woman, he loved another woman, she was a hottie. I dunno ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is totem..
Proof of his challenges met, had and photoed.

He said to you, I had these beauties.
I had them because they felt me.
Felt me up and down.
They felt me worthy.

I have value.
Please confirm these thoughts, validate my worth.
As witnessed by my past.

And repeatedly affirm, in your plastic mind.
One that I will solidify with my photos, my words.
Do my bidding, and your photos will join these.

Uh, the guy sounds a tad narcissistic, Methinks.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think some men believe it is proof that they are capable of loving. These men don't realize how much it hurts their chances with the new woman or how much it hurts their feelings so deeply. I think they have likely never been with a woman who has kept things from the previous relationship and seen her pining over them, so they don't know how it feels. Or, he has and has built up a callous to the pain. His former may have done it to him constantly and he was testing.

So many possibilities. So many ways to be wrong. It's best to simply talk about it. That way, you can find out how understanding he is early in the relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I don’t want to see pictures of my exes, much less see them in person!

Just keep that lechery away from me! Please!*


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Warped as it seems they could have been trying to impress you. "Hey, look at that hot chick who went out with ME!". I remember doing something similar decades ago; showing my new GF a pic of my hot ex, hoping she'd admire me more! 

Young men are very stupid.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Red flag that he isn't over them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Umm... If I pulled you into a room, I would definitely be showing you something but it wouldn't be a picture!😉 

Without talking to them, I would guess they have insecurities and uncertainties about their ex and you.

I'm not going to be paying attention to a picture when I have a real woman with me and showing my date a picture of my ex is about as counterproductive as it gets.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *I don’t want to see pictures of my exes, much less see them in person!
> 
> Just keep that lechery away from me! Please!*


Ah, yes my Dear friend from cactus country.

They still haunt you?
They haunt you because you let them have power over you. Cease!

There are two viable, practical options with exes.

One, make them powerless by having no feelings for them, good or bad, this is the better choice.

Two, make them powerless by seeing them in their folly. Seeing their flaws, say their nasty expressions, their crooked nose, one ear higher than the other, one boob larger and hanging lower, stretch marks, their excess adipose tissue, whatever is a turnoff for you. 

Now, for me, that would not work. I love women just as God made them. I would have to hate them on strictly mental terms...that would work just fine.

The Typist-


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies. I had my own ideas but I wanted to hear how others might interpret it.

Stuff like that does not make me jealous. If the ex is hot looking, well, then it's obvious why they got together. If --IMO-- she doesn't look like much, then I remind myself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Just wondering what would have been the best way to respond to that because it is rude.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Thanks for all your replies. I had my own ideas but I wanted to hear how others might interpret it.
> 
> Stuff like that does not make me jealous. If the ex is hot looking, well, then it's obvious why they got together. If --IMO-- she doesn't look like much, then I remind myself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> Just wondering what would have been the best way to respond to that because it is rude.


You could have said “wow,she is hot,what did she ever see in you”
Or if you wanted to be particularly nasty ask him why her seeing eye dog isn’t in the photo.
Or maybe not.....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

David Darling said:


> Warped as it seems they could have been trying to impress you. "Hey, look at that hot chick who went out with ME!". I remember doing something similar decades ago; showing my new GF a pic of my hot ex, hoping she'd admire me more!
> 
> *Young men are very stupid.*


*And you can certainly throw some of us naive old farts into the mix as well!*


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm very biased on this subject because my hb has had such ridiculous diahrea of the mouth regarding his exes but if I had it to do over again I wouldn't deal with someone who went out of their way to bring his exes up for no particular reason. 

People like that have insecurity issues that they'll seek to address at your expense. They need lots of ego boosts that one person can't provide. 

Of course there are valid reasons for exes to come up, but dragging you into a room just to show you a picture suggests there wasn't one. 

If you want to continue to see one who does this I'd deal with it now....ask them directly what the purpose was. Then go out of your way to bring your exes up and see how they respond.

If it's really no big deal to them they won't care. In my case my hb LOVED to bring his exes up at the most ridiculous times but didn't seem much interested in mine.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Thanks for all your replies. I had my own ideas but I wanted to hear how others might interpret it.
> 
> Stuff like that does not make me jealous. If the ex is hot looking, well, then it's obvious why they got together. If --IMO-- she doesn't look like much, then I remind myself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> Just wondering what would have been the best way to respond to that because it is rude.


I was in a situation which involved pictures of an ex but ironically it was my gf who had the pictures.I used to date an Australian woman when I lived in London and she went on to compete at the Olympics.A few years later I’m dating a woman who owned a health studio,one day I called in and there were posters of my ex on the walls.She was being sponsored by an equipment company who my girlfriend was dealing with and they had sent her some posters.
When I told her she didn’t believe me and I had no way of proving it other than to ring the Aussie which I did.My girlfriend looked at me differently after that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Thanks for all your replies. I had my own ideas but I wanted to hear how others might interpret it.
> 
> Stuff like that does not make me jealous. If the ex is hot looking, well, then it's obvious why they got together. If --IMO-- she doesn't look like much, then I remind myself that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> Just wondering what would have been the best way to respond to that because it is rude.


Hahaha! Just say "Oh! I didn't realize you had another commitment. I'll just let myself out. Wouldn't want to intrude on a picture perfect moment. Am I framing this right?"


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahaha!

@lifeistooshort

I get a devilish grin on my face every time I remember your story!😈

I loved how you handled your hubby!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha!
> 
> @lifeistooshort
> 
> ...


Ha ha, you're probably one of the very few who would remember that!

But in all seriousness my hb lacks empathy and thus talking to him about how it makes you feel is pointless. He's too wrapped up in his own insecurities.

Some people understand only sledge hammers, and stuff like this is so rude that the people who do it are among them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm very biased on this subject because my hb has had such ridiculous diahrea of the mouth regarding his exes but if I had it to do over again I wouldn't deal with someone who went out of their way to bring his exes up for no particular reason.
> 
> People like that have insecurity issues that they'll seek to address at your expense. They need lots of ego boosts that one person can't provide.
> 
> ...


That was definitely the case with the first guy. I finally called him on it and then pointed out that he would shut down any mention that I made of an ex. His excuse? Because he didn't want to feel bad. So I asked him, how do you feel when you talk about your ex?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> That was definitely the case with the first guy. I finally called him on it and then pointed out that he would shut down any mention that I made of an ex. His excuse? Because he didn't want to feel bad. So I asked him, how do you feel when you talk about your ex?


That guy was full of ****, but it's clear you know that. It's a tool to gain the emotional upper hand in the relationship by letting you know that there's nothing all that special about you..... you're just the next in line, and it also carries the implication that you can be easily replaced.

Now we all know that everyone is ultimately replaceable, but one who does this is never really giving their all to the relationship. I believe that for a relationship to have a chance one must give their all, at least until it becomes clear things aren't going to work.


It's been very damaging to our relationship, though my hb hates conflict so he buries his head in the sand. He doesn't do it anymore though because I went ballistic on him and since he hates conflict that was that.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> That guy was full of ****, but it's clear you know that. It's a tool to gain the emotional upper hand in the relationship by letting you know that there's nothing all that special about you..... you're just the next in line, and it also carries the implication that you can be easily replaced.
> 
> Now we all know that everyone is ultimately replaceable, but one who does this is never really giving their all to the relationship. I believe that for a relationship to have a chance one must give their all, at least until it becomes clear things aren't going to work.
> 
> ...


I suppose with this guy that I was dating, it was possible that
1. he was on the rebound, wanting to reconcile with his so called ex. (she cheated on him, he told me)
2. he was trying to intimidate me to stick around

I'm just walking down memory lane seeing if I see something new in past situations. And also seeing how I have changed over the years in how much less that I put up with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I suppose with this guy that I was dating, it was possible that
> 1. he was on the rebound, wanting to reconcile with his so called ex. (she cheated on him, he told me)
> 2. he was trying to intimidate me to stick around
> 
> I'm just walking down memory lane seeing if I see something new in past situations. And also seeing how I have changed over the years in how much less that I put up with.


I understand. I had a fairly low bar and put up with a lot because my ex was such an *******, so in comparison my husband is a much nicer guy. But in retrospect I did put up with a lot and if I found myself single again I wouldn't put up with half of the crap I put up with early in our relationship and marriage.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Probably a clumsy attempt at "social proof"..."this attractive woman chose me; you should choose me too". 

Works better as an unconscious factor in uncontrived, real-time settings: Gregarious Guy A at the party who stands in a circle of attractive women and men and is engaged in animated conversation is inherently more attractive than solitary Guy B who mopes uneasily near the snack table or a vacant spot on the wall and shoots you furtive creepy glances. 

But Guy A deliberately showing you a picture of that same party scene turns it into a conscious act of vanity, which is too inherently try-hard to have the same effect...you just get annoyed and disgusted instead.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There is no good reason for deliberately and specifically showing you a photo of him with his ex. Any reason that I could come up with would be a deal breaker, including that he's simply dumb.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What if he had children with her and you were talking about families and children and so forth and asked if she wanted to see a picture of him in that family situation? It feels wrong, but to be honest, I've done it. I felt like it was appropriate to the conversation, though. Is it always inappropriate? 

I've felt it going the other way and it was done with some prior conversation and so forth, so it didn't hurt so badly. I have to be a bit stoic, too. It's not all on the one showing the pictures. Sometimes, it's a good idea to let that out and bring up some conversation on the relationship and if everything is alright and how to do better. Well, I think, anyway.


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