# Sex Abuse



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I was abused as a teenager by a family friend He raped me repeatedly and used weapons to scare me into submission. It worked for awhile but over a decade later i ended up telling my family. They didnt believe me and said if anything happened, i would have caused it because i wanted attention. My parents basically severed ties with me. My dad passed away and we never really got on good terms. So I tried to repair my relationship with my Mom. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me. 

Well my mom and I hadn't spoken about the "family friend/rapist" in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said "hi" and how happy he was for me in my life successes. 

I immediately started crying and told her that I was stunned that she talked to him like nothing had happened and that she even told ME about it? 

She said she won't ignore people or be mean to them and I should learn to forgive. 

I haven't spoken to her since and its breaking my heart. It is so hurtful!

Should I keep her in my life after this?
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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If it were me, I wouldn't. It is all about respect.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Omgosh... I totally get how betrayed you feel...

I am not sure that I, personally, would do all the heavy lifting to keep this kind of relationship. Family therapy or no-go. She has to understand how much of a slap in the face this was/is to you.

Her saying she's not going to be "mean" or ignore people - even someone who abused her daughter, speaks volumes IMO.

I am so sorry for what happened to you in the past (I was also sexually abused), I can't imagine what it would be like going through this current situation.

((HUGS))
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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

I really dont know. If it were me I would probably have one last talk with her and have her make the choice. I cant understand why they dont believe you! 








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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I am sooo sorry hun and am giving U BIG HUGZ!!! I would cut her out of my life in a second...that is complete and total lack of respect as well as emotional abuse....I am SO sorry...but I hope you have people in your life that you can talk to about this? People that respect and love U?

I lost my parents early. I have had a few "moms" in my life that I will never forget...they loved me, understood me, listened to me, etc. I hope you have that. 

A good therapist will help you sort thru this...so VERY OK to close the door on your life with her...so sorry...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I was abused as a teenager by a family friend He raped me repeatedly and used weapons to scare me into submission. It worked for awhile but over a decade later i ended up telling my family. They didnt believe me and said if anything happened, i would have caused it because i wanted attention. My parents basically severed ties with me. My dad passed away and we never really got on good terms. So I tried to repair my relationship with my Mom. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me.
> 
> Well my mom and I hadn't spoken about the "family friend/rapist" in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said "hi" and how happy he was for me in my life successes.
> 
> ...


I would say, "Mom, you betrayed me and have not taken these violations to your own daughter seriously. You have put my abuser's feelings before mine and I cannot look past this. I am your daughter, your flesh and blood. I do not understand how you can ignore what happened to me." and I would let her know you are going your own seperate way. 

Just because she is your mom, does not make her a better person. Parents are people, through and through. And even being family members, sometimes you have to let them go because they only cause pain. 

If somebody hurts someone close to me, a family member, my kids, my friends, I stay on the person who is close to me's side. The abuser can kiss my a$$. This is how it should be with your mother but it isn't. The only thing you can do is speak your piece and be done with it. Your mother will have to digest what you say and deal with it on her own. She may come around, she may not. What you do with your life is your choice from here on out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I never told my parents nor will I ever tell them now. It's not that they wouldn't believe me, it's that they'd tell the whole world. I don't want them to know.

I can tell you online since you don't know me. It happened at an early age, before my teens. It went on for a few years then they moved(it was a neighbor boy). He would threaten me too, but not with weapons. 

Somehow I can completely block it out and the only triggers I have are posts readings about others in my situation. By coming here and talking with others I realized it was important for my husband to know. My husband is the only one IRL that I can trust. He was very angry at the person who did this, but I have pretty much healed from it on my own many years ago. It took my husband a few weeks to finally stop talking about it. He wanted me to tell my parents, but I do not trust them. My husband is a really gentle and kind man. He never expects or demands anything from me. I wouldn't want to live life without him.

I'm so sorry you were betrayed in that way. I do not have the best relationship with my mother either. Every time we talk she is criticizing me about something or making up crazy accusations that are not true. I'm pretty much fed up with it and I only visit them a couple times a year(holidays). They live near by. I'd much rather stay home with my own family and continue making happy memories.

This is such a traumatic event that most people need help(therapy) to heal from if they ever can. I've had some really bad experiences in my life and I'm glad it's all in the past. I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and I do hope you can heal from it.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

That's awful, I'm sorry. Are you in counseling/support groups?

And you answer your question, you don't HAVE to keep ANYONE in your life. Its your life, you populate it with people who can best serve your interests/help your development as a person. Selfish? Maybe, but thems the breaks.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Thank you so much to the posters for sharing their own stories. This kind of abuse is difficult. I too blocked it out for a long time, but therapy helped me overcome the guilt and the blame I placed on myself and the blame my parents placed on me. 

I have a therapist now and I told him about this last night. He seemed to think my Mom isn't mentally "ok". It is true that she truly lives in her own bubble and it's filled with denial. That is the thing ... My Mom is just "off". I don't think she did this to intentionally hurt me... I think she is just THAT ignorant and out of touch with anyone's feelings but her own. 

So I feel it's time to say goodbye to them, unfortunately. The problem is my son adores her. We live out of state so I may have to continue visiting on holidays etc... For my son. It's just an awful place to be. 



Matt1720 said:


> That's awful, I'm sorry. Are you in counseling/support groups?
> 
> And you answer your question, you don't HAVE to keep ANYONE in your life. Its your life, you populate it with people who can best serve your interests/help your development as a person. Selfish? Maybe, but thems the breaks.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Thank you so much to the posters for sharing their own stories. This kind of abuse is difficult. I too blocked it out for a long time, but therapy helped me overcome the guilt and the blame I placed on myself and the blame my parents placed on me.
> 
> I have a therapist now and I told him about this last night. He seemed to think my Mom isn't mentally "ok". It is true that she truly lives in her own bubble and it's filled with denial. That is the thing ... My Mom is just "off". I don't think she did this to intentionally hurt me... I think she is just THAT ignorant and out of touch with anyone's feelings but her own.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep going to therapy. You will get through it. 

I went through this too...and my parents never found out. There already was a whole horrible dynamic between my parents and they suffered so much pain dealing with each other, I just never had the heart to bring it up. But I did tell my sister about it and she hurt me by still being all loving and adoring toward my abuser almost like I had said nothing at all to her. Sometimes the people don't want to believe those things because they liked the abuser initially and so they do a sort of denial thing. I still feel betrayed by her though for that. We aren't as close as we could be just for that reason. 

Unfortunately, you have to go into survival mode and think about yourself. Good luck and PM me if you need to talk!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First and foremost, I am sorry for all the pain others have caused you.

I do think that if you haven't tried any IC over the years to deal with this trauma you should.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well I wrote an email to my mother telling her that her actions and words hurt me deeply. I told her that I can only see it from my point of view and I would never do that to my own son. I asked her again why she felt she needed to tell me. It was deep and honest. 

My husband read the email tonight and chastised me and said I just destroyed my mother by writing that email and I clearly just put the last nail in the coffin. I now feel just horrid. Did I make a mistake or is my husband being a unsupportive jerk???

I am a wreck. 





Toffer said:


> First and foremost, I am sorry for all the pain others have caused you.
> 
> I do think that if you haven't tried any IC over the years to deal with this trauma you should.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

No don't keep her in your life. Im so sorry that happened to you.
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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. If you think it would be best for your mental health to not be involved with her then do so.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Why would my husband cause me further grief? Am I projecting or a
I correct to be livid with him concerning his effort to make me feel horrible about standing up to her..


Moiraine said:


> I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. If you think it would be best for your mental health to not be involved with her then do so.


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

I wasn't referring to your husband. I meant that if you feel that keeping your mother out of your life is best for your own mental health then do so.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I know. But I was wondering if my husbands judgement of my email was normal?




Moiraine said:


> I wasn't referring to your husband. I meant that if you feel that keeping your mother out of your life is best for your own mental health then do so.


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

I think in your case your husband should be supportive as possible. It's not like it's his mother. He wasn't the one who went through the traumatic experience. He should respect your wishes.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Well I wrote an email to my mother telling her that her actions and words hurt me deeply. I told her that I can only see it from my point of view and I would never do that to my own son. I asked her again why she felt she needed to tell me. It was deep and honest.
> 
> My husband read the email tonight and chastised me and said I just destroyed my mother by writing that email and I clearly just put the last nail in the coffin. I now feel just horrid. Did I make a mistake or is my husband being a unsupportive jerk???
> 
> ...


Your husband is being an unsupportive jerk. Don't worry, from mine I got "Everybody's been through sh!t...get over it!" Some men are just dense and don't have feelings.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Your husband just doesn't want to deal with the problems so he's mad at you (even though you are in the right and have every right to do as you did). He'll get over it. Tell him he's being an unsupportive jerk and this isn't a game you are playing. You need your man to back you up. Tell him all that. He'll think it over.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husband is not supporting you at all in this issue. Does he support you in other ways? Maybe he doesn't know how to handle it since he can't "fix" what has happened? I don't know. I'd probably crawl under a rock and not come out if my husband wasn't supportive of me. I do not know how you can get more support from him either. Some people are really set in their own ways.

I'm also very sorry your husband is not supporting you as well. It sounds like you are going from one tough situation to the next.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Thanks for these responses. Honestly it was my husband's reaction to my email to my Mom that nearly destroyed me. I was so upset thinking that I had seriously hurt my mother. He told me that I needed to kind my tone down because my mom isn't stable enough to handle such "strong medicine". 

I was so upset that I decided to call my Mom and make sure she was ok... Since she didn't respond. Surprise .. Surprise she was JUST fine. She didn't apologize and just said that she felt she had to tell me about the conversation because she didn't want to hide anything from me and she needed to clear her conscience. 

So I didn't say much and got off the phone politely. My husband is now mad at ME for being angry over his response. 

I feel so alone. My husband never supports me and it is just enough. 





I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your husband is not supporting you at all in this issue. Does he support you in other ways? Maybe he doesn't know how to handle it since he can't "fix" what has happened? I don't know. I'd probably crawl under a rock and not come out if my husband wasn't supportive of me. I do not know how you can get more support from him either. Some people are really set in their own ways.
> 
> I'm also very sorry your husband is not supporting you as well. It sounds like you are going from one tough situation to the next.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Thanks for these responses. Honestly it was my husband's reaction to my email to my Mom that nearly destroyed me. I was so upset thinking that I had seriously hurt my mother. He told me that I needed to kind my tone down because my mom isn't stable enough to handle such "strong medicine".
> 
> I was so upset that I decided to call my Mom and make sure she was ok... Since she didn't respond. Surprise .. Surprise she was JUST fine. She didn't apologize and just said that she felt she had to tell me about the conversation because she didn't want to hide anything from me and she needed to clear her conscience.
> 
> ...


You're not alone. Some men just don't "get it" that's all. Try explaining "flat out" to your husband that you're going through something you realize he doesn't understand the full scope of right now, and to try to be patient with you while you sort through it. His being angry at you isn't going to help you in this transitional period and let him know you would appreciate if he could just try to be a little more understanding. 

I've had to swallow a lot of pride and hurt feeling and just flat out tell my husband the truth at times, just like I explained above, and it has helped. I also had to tell him I'm not a guy and don't think like one, and the sooner he realizes that and accepts it the better we will get along. Some men think we should just think like they do and handle things like they do and we just don't.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Thanks for these responses. Honestly it was my husband's reaction to my email to my Mom that nearly destroyed me. I was so upset thinking that I had seriously hurt my mother. He told me that I needed to kind my tone down because my mom isn't stable enough to handle such "strong medicine".
> 
> I was so upset that I decided to call my Mom and make sure she was ok... Since she didn't respond. Surprise .. Surprise she was JUST fine. She didn't apologize and just said that she felt she had to tell me about the conversation because she didn't want to hide anything from me and she needed to clear her conscience.
> 
> ...


Oh, I'm so very sorry.

I fully understand why you are so hurt. My ex h was a complete jerk. I ended up leaving him due to the abuse from him and he is also unfaithful.:/. I'm very lucky to have met my current husband. It was fate. Life is so much different when you have the support you need. It is so hard when your not getting any support from anyone, especially going through what you've gone through. I really do wish you the best.


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