# Encouraging my ex to mend relationships with kids



## Life Begins at 40 (Jul 29, 2009)

Hi, am hoping someone has some first hand experience that could help.

Out of the blue, 18 months ago, my 46 year old husband of twenty years ran off with a 26 year old at his work. He literally ran off, giving no explanation to our three children, aged 9, 12 and 15...or even to me..other than email saying "I have found true love, sorry but didn't mean to hurt anyone" Very tough financial and emotional times followed.

My ex husband, who remained in the same city contacts the kids sporadically and demands that the children ("all three of them") see him at his whim. When he has seen them he has acted as if the past 18 months did not exist.
The two oldest girls do not want to see him and will not see a counselor or elaborate on their feelings. My youngest, a boy now 10, really wants to see him to do "sports stuff" but is told that unless his sisters come his father will be unable to see him.

This causes much pain and guilt for all three of them.

When he's been rejected I email him...and plead for him to see my son and seek counseling to mend the relationships with the girls.

All this does is provoke vicious emails and personal attacks from him and the girlfriend who intercepts emails.

Why do they behave like that. What should I tell my son...who every day gives up on his dad a little bit more. As a mum it is heart-breaking to wittness and surely it's fixable.

Sorry for the inarticulate ramblings


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

First, I want to say I am very sorry your dh jumped ship on you and his children. 

I am sure you have a house full of confused, upset emotions coming from kids on the cusp of understanding. Having four kids of my own, I know where you are in this.

Chin up. I know your kids are hurting and you don't want them to hurt, but it isn't you who brought all this on. So, understand you are their mom, and there are some things they are going to get hurt about in life, and a dad who has dumped on them, and who appears to continue to dump on them is one of them. 

You can run damage control to an extent, but they are still going to get hurt. It is kind of like when you try your best to put the helmet on them, use the elbow pads, they are STILL going to get some bumps and bruises in life.

I would not let the kids go without some sort of counseling. This is because that although they are embarrassed (yes they are) about what their father has done to them and you, they need someone to "break the ice" so that you don't end up with three kids pinging off and doing acting out. That is what they will do without some sort of relief valve.

I don't think your 12 and 15 yo should have to see Dad, and I think it is WRONG of your dh to say, well I won't take him without the other two. YOU need to get your kids an attorney (guardian ad litem). Depending on the finances you can make HIM pay for the GAL and require HIM to pay for the counseling and the GAL can REQUIRE and have the judge ORDER certain things into a GOOD visitation for all the kids...at some point.

Please get on this as soon as you can. Your kids need one rational parent, you are it, obviously.

Poor kids. I am so sorry he is doing this to his children. I hope you can get a judge to fix this for your kid's sake. I'd have a GAL in a heartbeat if I were you.

Remember: If he will not talk reasonably to YOU, then abandon that method and get a lawyer for the kids to talk through to HIM. It will work better if you can put out the "fire" of contention between the two of you by treating this as BUSINESS of the CHILDREN's for now.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

:iagree: with Sally, he is the one who abandon all of you, he is the one who commit the "Crime" per say. The kids specially the older ones do not have to do something they do not want to do. He hurt their feelings, as well as yours, and they know it. They are old enought to know which side to take and he is being childish for doing that to the one kid that still loves him enough to want to spend time with him.

I come from divorce parents, my father left my mom for his HS sweetheart when I was about 3, he never bother to check on my brother and me, he actually was mad at MOM for not letting her new H, my DAD, adopt us. After 20 years he came back and expect us to just be peachy with him. He had the oddyssey to trash my mom, even after al this years, needless to say I do not have a relationship with him, just HI and Bye.

So do not force them and he should not either, they can judge by themselves. Follow Sandy's advice and take them to counseling ASAP.


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## Life Begins at 40 (Jul 29, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> First, I want to say I am very sorry your dh jumped ship on you and his children.
> 
> I am sure you have a house full of confused, upset emotions coming from kids on the cusp of understanding. Having four kids of my own, I know where you are in this.
> 
> ...


Thank-you so much for taking the time to share your wisdom.

I like the practical advice about legal advice and counseling...which is where I have been thinking of heading. My view that rationality would win out...was itself irrational!
As you rightly pointed out, the real pain in this, for me as a mum, is to see my fellow parent inflict such pain and confusion on the kids.


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## Life Begins at 40 (Jul 29, 2009)

LaBella said:


> :iagree: with Sally, he is the one who abandon all of you, he is the one who commit the "Crime" per say. The kids specially the older ones do not have to do something they do not want to do. He hurt their feelings, as well as yours, and they know it. They are old enought to know which side to take and he is being childish for doing that to the one kid that still loves him enough to want to spend time with him.
> 
> I come from divorce parents, my father left my mom for his HS sweetheart when I was about 3, he never bother to check on my brother and me, he actually was mad at MOM for not letting her new H, my DAD, adopt us. After 20 years he came back and expect us to just be peachy with him. He had the oddyssey to trash my mom, even after al this years, needless to say I do not have a relationship with him, just HI and Bye.
> 
> So do not force them and he should not either, they can judge by themselves. Follow Sandy's advice and take them to counseling ASAP.


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## Life Begins at 40 (Jul 29, 2009)

LaBella said:


> :iagree: with Sally, he is the one who abandon all of you, he is the one who commit the "Crime" per say. The kids specially the older ones do not have to do something they do not want to do. He hurt their feelings, as well as yours, and they know it. They are old enought to know which side to take and he is being childish for doing that to the one kid that still loves him enough to want to spend time with him.
> 
> I come from divorce parents, my father left my mom for his HS sweetheart when I was about 3, he never bother to check on my brother and me, he actually was mad at MOM for not letting her new H, my DAD, adopt us. After 20 years he came back and expect us to just be peachy with him. He had the oddyssey to trash my mom, even after al this years, needless to say I do not have a relationship with him, just HI and Bye.
> 
> So do not force them and he should not either, they can judge by themselves. Follow Sandy's advice and take them to counseling ASAP.


Thanks for your first hand advice! They are all adamant they don't want to get outside help with their feelings but I recognise that as the responsible adult it's what I need to do.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Yes. You MUST take charge of the kids, they NEED boundary and security in YOU as they have been knocked to their security "knees" by your irresponsible DH. 

Don't make a mistake of feeling sorry for your kiddos and being a lax parent...stand firm on rules that have always been in place for them, do not let them act up and disrespectful. Tell them Dad may have disrespected them, but two wrongs will not make it right, and such.

Hold the reins firmly, but with kindness. The counselor can be the sympathizer, you job is doubly important, you now must be their rock, but don't get into "friend" mode because you feel they've been dumped on...they have, but when the kids see you feel sympathy (too much) they will take advantage. They still have their teen "wiles" and will manipulate regardless of parents married or divorced. Kids do much "divide and conquer" manipulations in divorce situations.

Don't fall into that trap. GAL and counselor for the kids; you are the loving mother, as before and always.


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