# Am I overreacting?



## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

I'm seeking opinions and advice about a disagreement I had with my boyfriend over the weekend. This post is long. Hope it makes sense. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and respond. 

Let me first give a little background information on our relationship. We have been living together for the past 5+ years. And, although not officially married, he has given me a ring that I wear daily. He wears a ring too. However, he wears it on his right hand. Which bothers me, but, that isn't the disagreement we had. Our relationship has been rocky. My post would be way too long if I tried to explain everything we have been through. I'm thinking everyone has issues. But, something that occurred this weekend has me upset and that's what I would like advice on. He says I am making a big deal out of nothing. I am posting here to find out if others think I am, or if my reaction was valid.

He is a pilot, which takes him away from home the majority of the time. In fact, he is currently renting a room in another state because of a new job he started in September. The plan was for all of us to move during our kids' Christmas break. However, we decided instead of continuing to rent, we would build a home. It won't be finished until June, he is already renting the room, so the kids and I are just going to stay put until the end of the school year. We will all move to the new house in June.

The room he is renting is from what I thought was a couple. The man is 55 and the woman is around 25, or maybe a little older. She is definitely in her 20s. I kind of thought they made an odd couple, but to each his own. 

I've only been over there for weekend visits maybe 5 times total in the few months he has lived there. As I said, we are currently in different states and his job has him away on trips a lot. Plus, the kids' schedules also factor in as to why I can't go visit him very often. Even though I haven't been there much, I have been a little concerned by what I have seen and learned while there. I found out the woman has been an escort in the past. Have also noticed she has had other men over that she is obviously more than friends with when her "boyfriend" is not home. She has also been in trouble with the law because she was wearing an ankle monitor when he first moved in. All of this tells me she is a high-risk taker. 

Ok, so here is what happened...

I went for a weekend visit. Only my boyfriend was at the apartment when I arrived on Friday. A few hours later, I heard the woman enter the apartment. Seconds later she walks right in through the CLOSED bedroom door. Doesn't knock. This immediately unnerved me. It was like she was completely comfortable with entering his room unannounced. As if she does it on a regular basis. 

My boyfriend was in his closet, and as he walks around the corner she hands him a plate of pizza and stood at the door talking for like 10 minutes, or more. I have no idea if she realized I was there visiting, but she immediately saw me when she walked in because I was sitting on the bed. During the course of their conversation, I learned her "boyfriend" has been gone for the past 3 weeks. He had surgery in California close to his mother so that she could care for him during his recovery. He won't be home for another week or so. She was showing us that her ankle monitor had been removed that day during her most recent court proceeding. She also mentioned he needed to get his guns locked in a safe, or out of the apartment all together, because she found out she isn't supposed to be around any firearms. 

When she left the room and my boyfriend closed the door, I asked him if she always comes in his room without knocking. He just looked at me and said - she did knock. No, she didn't knock, and even if she had, no one invited her in. He was in the closet when she came in the room, and, I know for a fact I didn't tell her to come in. She did NOT knock. 

He was saying things like - who cares if she knocked or not, so what, what difference does it make, she acts like a teenager, she doesn't know any better, etc...

I reminded him we have two teenagers and they never, ever enter through our closed bedroom door without knocking first AND being invited in. It's common courtesy. And, it's just plain weird in my opinion. I explained it made me uncomfortable that she barged in the room. Seems to me like she comes into your bedroom all the time. That it is a common occurrence. He told me that was my problem and it really isn't a big deal.

He kept taken up for her. Telling me I was overreacting. I was expecting him to say something like - yeah you are right, that was rude of her. But, he didn't. 

I got upset. The whole incident, his reaction, was giving me a weird vibe. I asked if there was something going on. He said no. Claimed they hardly talk, he hardly sees her. That struck me wrong too, because the conversation they had in front of me had definite references to past conversations. 

He got very mad. Said he didn't want me to cause any trouble because he has to live with her. Wait. What?? I wasn't asking him to chew her out. Just tell her she needs to respect his privacy by knocking first. He is only going to be living there a few more months. He is supposed to be living with me the rest of his life. Shouldn't our relationship be the one he cares more about?? He said if I was going to falsely accuse him, I could pack my stuff and get out of his life. Really???

So, we both cool off. We go on with our evening. I try to let it go. 

Next morning. I get ready for the day. Was sitting in a chair facing the bedroom door looking at stuff on my phone, kind of watching the TV that was on mute because my boyfriend was still asleep. It was around 10 a.m. Here she comes through the closed door without knocking AGAIN. Not only that, but all she has on is a towel. That's all. Just a towel!! What the heck?? 

She wakes my boyfriend up and starts going on about how she saw police cars outside and her intuition is telling her they are coming to the apartment to do a search. She doesn't want us to answer the door because she knows we haven't had a chance to get a gun safe for the guns. She's rambling on, but at her first pause, I looked at her and asked if she always came into the room without knocking. My boyfriend tells her to ignore me, saying it's fine, she just thinks we are doing something. Even though I couldn't see his face, I was pretty sure he rolled his eyes at that point. I calmly asked what if you had come in and I had been naked? Then I added, I'm guessing that doesn't really matter since you felt comfortable enough to come in the room with just a towel on!

Her response was that she never comes in his room. This was just an emergency. No disrespect she said. (Too late.) I pointed out that she did the very same thing the night before. She claimed that was kind of an emergency too because she had to tell my boyfriend about her day in court and about the gun situation. She also said several times that they never see each other or talk. Really? Never? That is not how it was coming across to me. 

Then she told us she had to go, she was in a hurry to get to work, and left just as abruptly as she entered. The alarm beeps every time someone leaves the apartment. Plus, she slams the door each and every time she goes in or out, no matter what time of the day, or night, it is. I didn't hear her leave until two hours later. Why I am pointing this out? Because she is coming across as a liar. She wasn't in a hurry. It wasn't really an emergency. She didn't want to stick around after I confronted her. 

He asked me after she left room if I believed him now since she said the same thing about them hardly talking or even seeing each other. No, not really, because, as I just mentioned she is really coming across as a liar to me. She just told me she never comes in his room, yet she did it twice within less than 24 hours. She claims they never talk, just as he did, but it was obvious he knew much of what was going on in her life when they were talking in front of me. Even making references to past conversations, such as her asking my boyfriend - you know, remember that guy I was telling you about? And, I'm not expecting that they will never talk. Just find it odd that they are claiming they don't, when it's obvious they do. Then that morning she came into the bedroom in just a towel, she rushed out of the room shortly after me questioning her about barging in, saying she was in a hurry and needed to go, yet she didn't leave until 2 hours later! Lies.

My boyfriend treated me as if I was being a paranoid psycho. Called me a baby for getting upset. He kept saying it was no big deal. He actually made me feel guilty for even saying anything. 

I was hurt that he didn't take my side. He made excuses for her rudeness. I thought he might back me up and tell her that she really should knock before entering his bedroom. But, he didn't. In fact, he kind of threw me under the bus by telling her not to listen to me, even making fun of me in front her because of my concerns that something might be going on between them. 

Did I overreact? Am I being paranoid? I really would like to hear some unbiased opinions from both women and men.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He's a pilot. He is sleeping with her. She was showing you she is the alpha female.

Run.


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## Sarah1976 (Feb 4, 2017)

If she didn't act funny then he may very well be telling you the truth and she has absolutely no idea of what's appropriate. He should talk to her especially given the time you two have been involved. If she didn't even flinch at you being in there then it tells me she was being how she is normally, however weird that is... And yes, it's weird. That's just me. I think I would tell him that any report of him living with a criminal can have his pilots license in question, especially now.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think your boyfriend is running around with the wrong crowd. Sure he's not part of whatever she's in trouble for? Why would he be okay living around that especially when he's a pilot. 

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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> He's a pilot. He is sleeping with her. She was showing you she is the alpha female.
> 
> Run.




Really? Wow. That hit me in the gut. I appreciate your response though.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Sarah1976 said:


> If she didn't act funny then he may very well be telling you the truth and she has absolutely no idea of what's appropriate. He should talk to her especially given the time you two have been involved. If she didn't even flinch at you being in there then it tells me she was being how she is normally, however weird that is... And yes, it's weird. That's just me. I think I would tell him that any report of him living with a criminal can have his pilots license in question, especially now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




Oh, gosh, that is something I wasn't aware of. If I bring up the situation again, I'm going to have to approach with extreme caution or the conversation will go nowhere, or worse turn into a fight. 

Glad to know someone else thinks her coming in the room like that is weird! 

Thank you for your response.


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## Sarah1976 (Feb 4, 2017)

I don't know.. When I was 21 I was an inappropriate inconsiderate girl with guy roommates and I never slept with them. I'd be more concerned with HIS lack of concern for associating with people in trouble. That's horrible judgement. Being cheated on is way less on the scale of horrible things when you consider how bad being tied to someone who uses bad judgement could be in the long term. That is seriously concerning


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

JoleighS said:


> Really? Wow. That hit me in the gut. I appreciate your response though.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




Do you have a daughter?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Sarah1976 said:


> I don't know.. When I was 21 I was an inappropriate inconsiderate girl with guy roommates and I never slept with them. I'd be more concerned with HIS lack of concern for associating with people in trouble. That's horrible judgement. Being cheated on is way less on the scale of horrible things when you consider how bad being tied to someone who uses bad judgement could be in the long term. That is seriously concerning
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




Did you just say being cheated on is way less of a big deal? WTH? 

The boyfriend has no boundaries. There are so many red flags here. 

I wouldn't be surprised if the pilot is married.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Sarah1976 said:


> I don't know.. When I was 21 I was an inappropriate inconsiderate girl with guy roommates and I never slept with them. I'd be more concerned with HIS lack of concern for associating with people in trouble. That's horrible judgement. Being cheated on is way less on the scale of horrible things when you consider how bad being tied to someone who uses bad judgement could be in the long term. That is seriously concerning
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




Your response gives me some relief. I'm hoping it's just a lack 
manners and that's all it is. 

Still, I feel somewhat betrayed that he made excuses for her and told her to ignore my concerns. I would have felt much better if he had agreed with me and told her to please knock. 

She mentioned maybe moving out soon because the judge thought she shouldn't be living with older men while she is trying to get her life back on track. REALLY hope that happens!

Thanks for response.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Something doesn't smell right with that situation. I don't care if there ISNT anything going on, if my man had a woman in a towel barge into his bedroom twice AND he had the nerve to be ignorant to be and make fun of me in front of her, I'd LOSE MY ****. Oh HELL NO. I'm not even kidding, he would have exactly 2 minutes to agree with me and find a new apartment to rent temporarily. I don't give two craps about how he feels about it, I would be extremely uncomfortable with the situation and would expect him to find a new spot, like no choice.

He is your man, he is supposed to care about your feelings and try to make sure you are comfortable and happy, if you aren't it's his duty to try and make you feel better I.e find a new spot. I'd give the. Same advice to him if the situation were reversed. He is being very disrespectful and stupid to be honest
That's a lot of risk for someone in his profession. Men should take their women's side, especially involving something that's so questionable.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Did you just say being cheated on is way less of a big deal? WTH?
> 
> The boyfriend has no boundaries. There are so many red flags here.
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised if the pilot is married.




Yeah, being cheated on is a very big deal to me. 

He isn't married. I deal with his ex-wife when it comes to visitation for their kids. They have been divorced since 2007, I believe. She is remarried. I've met her current husband. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Do you have a daughter?




We each have two kids from our previous marriages. My daughter is 22 and lives on her own. His son lives with his ex-wife. My son and his daughter live with us.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I think your boyfriend is running around with the wrong crowd. Sure he's not part of whatever she's in trouble for? Why would he be okay living around that especially when he's a pilot.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk




He found them on Craigslist when he first got the job. Throughout his career he has often had to rent rooms. It's no big deal to him. 

I went with him when he found this apartment. Brand new building. Super nice. Very close to his work. Seemed like a good temporary place until we found a place of our own. I'm thinking he just doesn't want to deal with finding another place since this one is so close to work and brand new. 

The man is the only one on the lease. From what I understand, he took the girl in knowing she had issues. He wanted to help her. We didn't know about the situation with her having an ankle monitor and all her past problems until after he moved in. 


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Your posts read like a porn script. All she had to do is drop the towel, drop to her knees and game on.

The fact he is belittling your feelings is not good.

Not to mention she was on home monitoring. He could be charged for providing access to a firearm.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Saibasu said:


> Something doesn't smell right with that situation. I don't care if there ISNT anything going on, if my man had a woman in a towel barge into his bedroom twice AND he had the nerve to be ignorant to be and make fun of me in front of her, I'd LOSE MY ****. Oh HELL NO. I'm not even kidding, he would have exactly 2 minutes to agree with me and find a new apartment to rent temporarily. I don't give two craps about how he feels about it, I would be extremely uncomfortable with the situation and would expect him to find a new spot, like no choice.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you! I did feel like losing my s***, but held it together. Took a lot of restraint to hold my tongue the first time she came in. But, when she came in again only wearing a towel I HAD to say something. 

I honestly don't think he is messing around with her. Still, I feel betrayed because of how he handled the situation and disregarded my feelings. Because you are right, he is my man...we should be on the same team no matter what. 

Appreciate your response.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

JoleighS said:


> We each have two kids from our previous marriages. My daughter is 22 and lives on her own. His son lives with his ex-wife. My son and his daughter live with us.




What advice would you give your daughter if her BF was like yours?

Tell us about the rocky marriage details. They matter. 

Ok. He's not married. Any chance he has another GF in another city?

Do you work?


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Your posts read like a porn script. All she had to do is drop the towel, drop to her knees and game on.
> 
> The fact he is belittling your feelings is not good.
> 
> Not to mention she was on home monitoring. He could be charged for providing access to a firearm.




Thankfully, that has been taken care of. Guns are not accessible to her. Once it was brought to his attention, he took care of it. I only mentioned it in my post because she was claiming it was the reason for having to come in and talk to him. It was an "emergency" in her eyes. 

Being belittled is not a good feeling. For sure. Especially when it's coming from someone you love and you thought would have your back in any situation. 

And, yeah, it did feel like a bad scene from a porn movie! 


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Run. Now. Minimize the pain that the kids may experience if you stay with him now just to go through this again next month/year/decade. 

My WxH took car sales jobs out of town with the express purpose of limiting the number of people who would have told me about his infidelities and pathological lying. I got suspicious when I found a complete astrological reading for him that was done by the secretary at the dealership -- red flag #1. He came home just a few times a month but kept "forgetting" to give me his hotel information despite the fact that we had young children (daughters age 4 & 5, son 5 months old) with chronic illnesses that could deteriorate quickly (late 90s, cell phones were still relatively uncommon) -- red flag #2. While doing his laundry I found an unfamiliar tank top that was way tinier than I could wear and his dress shirts buttoned halfway with sleeves rolled up (due to a shoulder injury he was all but unable to take his shirt off that way -- red flag #3. Save yourself and your children from having to go through this. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> What advice would you give your daughter if her BF was like yours?
> 
> Tell us about the rocky marriage details. They matter.
> 
> ...




Advice for my daughter? Sigh. I know what you are getting at. The advice I have received on here has been helpful. I'm not being paranoid. There are red flags. Something needs to change. 

I do realize even if he isn't messing around with this woman, the way he and I handled the situation is still a problem. We often don't agree or see things in the same way. Regardless, I expect him to support me in instances such as this. When he defends someone else over me, I feel betrayed. In my mind we are supposed to be a team, and I often feel like he is more against me, than for me. Instead of working toward a compromise when we disagree, he often goes into attack mode telling me all the reasons why I am wrong and he is right or he shuts down and cuts me off. Our communication problems are why I have wanted us to seek counseling. He has said when we move we can look into that. I hope he means it. 

Chance of another GF? With his profession, yes, I guess there is a chance of this. 

I currently do not work. 


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## Sarah1976 (Feb 4, 2017)

I wasn't saying being cheated on isn't a big deal. I said it's less horrible than the horrible decision making. I was trying to make a point showing how horribly planned his judgement is in this situation. It's bad enough in my eyes that I would not plan a life with someone who would allow living like this and being in a situation that had any risk, even if the roommates were male, it is just obviously poor choices with no regard for a girlfriend. Being cheated on is huge, however, risking your job to live in a weird situation with criminals who have access to my guns is outrageously careless.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

KaraBoo0723 said:


> Run. Now. Minimize the pain that the kids may experience if you stay with him now just to go through this again next month/year/decade.
> 
> My WxH took car sales jobs out of town with the express purpose of limiting the number of people who would have told me about his infidelities and pathological lying. I got suspicious when I found a complete astrological reading for him that was done by the secretary at the dealership -- red flag #1. He came home just a few times a month but kept "forgetting" to give me his hotel information despite the fact that we had young children (daughters age 4 & 5, son 5 months old) with chronic illnesses that could deteriorate quickly (late 90s, cell phones were still relatively uncommon) -- red flag #2. While doing his laundry I found an unfamiliar tank top that was way tinier than I could wear and his dress shirts buttoned halfway with sleeves rolled up (due to a shoulder injury he was all but unable to take his shirt off that way -- red flag #3. Save yourself and your children from having to go through this.
> 
> ...




Gosh, I'm so sorry that happened to you.  Thank you for sharing your experience with me and I appreciate your advice. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Sarah1976 said:


> I wasn't saying being cheated on isn't a big deal. I said it's less horrible than the horrible decision making. I was trying to make a point showing how horribly planned his judgement is in this situation. It's bad enough in my eyes that I would not plan a life with someone who would allow living like this and being in a situation that had any risk, even if the roommates were male, it is just obviously poor choices with no regard for a girlfriend. Being cheated on is huge, however, risking your job to live in a weird situation with criminals who have access to my guns is outrageously careless.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




I see your point. He didn't realize when he moved in what the exact situation was with her. Now I think he is just too lazy to find another place. 


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

HELL NO!!!!!

Are you ****ting me? The FIRST time she came in with pizza for him, she would have been OUT .... and if he didn't defend me, he'd be next!!!

HELL NO!!!!

No towel???? Him and I would be leaving that room pronto, to find another!

And the way he reacted to you and did NOT have your back, just NO!

And did I mention .... HELL NO!!!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Let me get this straight.You are at home looking after HIS kid and your own.He is living the single life with a hot twenty five year old with no boundaries as his roommate.How often does he come home,pilots are limited to the amount of air time they can fly so he should have plenty of time to visit you.
Something which you touched on briefly was the ankle bracelet,for whatever length of time she had that on she would have been very limited as to wherever she could go or what she could do.Guess who would have been consoling her at this time.By the way,her walking into his room while knowing you were there is classic marking territory behaviour.
If your relationship is to last your "husband" needs a new career.And by the way wearing his ring on the wrong hand is another red flag.Men who's father passed sometimes wear their fathers ring on the right hand as a memory,most people realise they are not married.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Let me get this straight.You are at home looking after HIS kid and your own.He is living the single life with a hot twenty five year old with no boundaries as his roommate.How often does he come home,pilots are limited to the amount of air time they can fly so he should have plenty of time to visit you.
> 
> Something which you touched on briefly was the ankle bracelet,for whatever length of time she had that on she would have been very limited as to wherever she could go or what she could do.Guess who would have been consoling her at this time.By the way,her walking into his room while knowing you were there is classic marking territory behaviour.
> 
> If your relationship is to last your "husband" needs a new career.And by the way wearing his ring on the wrong hand is another red flag.Men who's father passed sometimes wear their fathers ring on the right hand as a memory,most people realise they are not married.




Well said.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why don't you work?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> Really? Wow. That hit me in the gut. I appreciate your response though.


JoleighS, gotta be honest - the minute I read "pilot," that pretty much said it all. I've known two commercial pilots in my life and while both were always respectful around me and polite etc., it was a very different story when you'd get these miscreants around their own brethren and they were 'talking shop' thinking no one could hear them at holiday parties, etc. All trying to top one another with their 'piece of ass in every port' stories and thanking God for beautiful, 'thankful' South American woman.

So not only are the chances pretty high he's just another a*sshole with a God complex and an over-inflated sense of self, just from your description of his complete arrogance and apparent disrespect for you, the writing is on the wall and has been for a long time.

Your disrespectful boyfriend, who can't even wear his 'commitment' ring on the *proper* hand much less act like a committed adult man, has clearly given you the message that you could leave tomorrow and he'd be good with that.

THIS is the guy you're clinging to, trying so hard to make love you. 

Sadly, this latest bimbo isn't your problem (and good money says she's just one in a long line of many bimbos). HE'S your problem. Sorry.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Let me get this straight.You are at home looking after HIS kid and your own.He is living the single life with a hot twenty five year old with no boundaries as his roommate.How often does he come home,pilots are limited to the amount of air time they can fly so he should have plenty of time to visit you.
> 
> Something which you touched on briefly was the ankle bracelet,for whatever length of time she had that on she would have been very limited as to wherever she could go or what she could do.Guess who would have been consoling her at this time.By the way,her walking into his room while knowing you were there is classic marking territory behaviour.
> 
> If your relationship is to last your "husband" needs a new career.And by the way wearing his ring on the wrong hand is another red flag.Men who's father passed sometimes wear their fathers ring on the right hand as a memory,most people realise they are not married.




Can I thank this TEN times!

Her walking in like that, reads more like SHE was his woman and you a friend. Ditto for the respect her showed HER and not you. 


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wow. 

They are sleeping with each other. Her familiarity with him and his surroundings with no respect for you, along with his reaction to everything which was very defensive, and to stand up for her, tells me everything. If I were you, I would run far and fast and never look back.

Im sorry. They are sleeping together.

You did not overreact. You need to trust your gut. This whole situation is no good.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

She's clearly out of place, no doubt. She's barging in because that's what she's used to doing. He's never set any boundaries for her hence the reason she thinks this is ok. He teased you in her presence so he could save face with her. A young woman with few boundaries and a wild streak. He enjoys the attention he's getting from her. 

Now with this little incident the two of them have something in common they can joke about - you.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Why don't you work?




I am a teacher. Took this year off until we figured out what was going on and where we would be moving to. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> She's clearly out of place, no doubt. She's barging in because that's what she's used to doing. He's never set any boundaries for her hence the reason she thinks this is ok. He teased you in her presence so he could save face with her. A young woman with few boundaries and a wild streak. He enjoys the attention he's getting from her.
> 
> 
> 
> Now with this little incident the two of them have something in common they can joke about - you.




That crossed my mind too...the joking around about me. Thank you for your response .


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> Wow.
> 
> They are sleeping with each other. Her familiarity with him and his surroundings with no respect for you, along with his reaction to everything which was very defensive, and to stand up for her, tells me everything. If I were you, I would run far and fast and never look back.
> 
> ...




Sigh. I appreciate your candor.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

JoleighS said:


> I am a teacher. Took this year off until we figured out what was going on and where we would be moving to.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




Don't move without a real ring on your finger. 

Why would you buy or build a house with a BF?

He is gone most of the time anyway

You said the relationship is already rocky. 

He likes the single life with Ms Sexy. He is not lazy. Most guys would try HARD to find an arrangement that he has. He would be crazy to give it up.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> JoleighS, gotta be honest - the minute I read "pilot," that pretty much said it all. I've known two commercial pilots in my life and while both were always respectful around me and polite etc., it was a very different story when you'd get these miscreants around their own brethren and they were 'talking shop' thinking no one could hear them at holiday parties, etc. All trying to top one another with their 'piece of ass in every port' stories and thanking God for beautiful, 'thankful' South American woman.
> 
> So not only are the chances pretty high he's just another a*sshole with a God complex and an over-inflated sense of self, just from your description of his complete arrogance and apparent disrespect for you, the writing is on the wall and has been for a long time.
> 
> ...




Some of the things you mentioned about pilots ring true as I think back on some interactions he has had with other pilots. And, I have often thought many of his pilot friends came across as arrogant and egotistical. Like they were better than everyone else. 

Thank you for your candid response. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Let me get this straight.You are at home looking after HIS kid and your own.He is living the single life with a hot twenty five year old with no boundaries as his roommate.How often does he come home,pilots are limited to the amount of air time they can fly so he should have plenty of time to visit you.
> 
> Something which you touched on briefly was the ankle bracelet,for whatever length of time she had that on she would have been very limited as to wherever she could go or what she could do.Guess who would have been consoling her at this time.By the way,her walking into his room while knowing you were there is classic marking territory behaviour.
> 
> If your relationship is to last your "husband" needs a new career.And by the way wearing his ring on the wrong hand is another red flag.Men who's father passed sometimes wear their fathers ring on the right hand as a memory,most people realise they are not married.




He has only been back home twice when he had a series of consecutive days off. He is not a commercial pilot, he works for a charter company, so he is on call 24/7 and has to remain within 2 hours of the airport. We are in two different states, 4 1/2 hours apart. 

I thought about her not really being able to go many places with the ankle bracelet too. But, part of the court order was to go to meetings several times a week and to find a job, which she eventually did. Every time I had been there before she hadn't really been around or her "boyfriend" was there too, or she had a "friend" over. And, even though I thought it was weird she had other guys over, I was not getting the sense something was going on with my boyfriend prior to this last weekend. 

When I made the comment about something going on to my boyfriend after she first came in with pizza, he seemed genuinely upset that I was, in his words, falsely accusing him. 

I have mentioned that wearing the ring on the opposite hand generally means someone is divorced and hasn't quite given up or they are a widow. At least, that has been my understanding. 

I appreciate your response. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Don't move without a real ring on your finger.
> 
> Why would you buy or build a house with a BF?
> 
> ...




Thank you bluinbr for your candid advice. You have given me a lot to consider. All of the responses I have received have been very helpful. Upsetting, but, helpful. 


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Your boyfriend lacks boundaries! 
He also seems to enjoy the attention he gets from a hot 20something year old woman... I understand your pain, I wanted to scream when I read that he told this woman "ignore her" referring your words...


I do not think anything you say will change your boyfriend's mind. He needs counseling. He is so over the line! I personally do not blame the girl, I would put all the blame on your boyfriend. He is telling another woman to ignore YOU! His girlfriend!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

5+ years and no real proposal or wedding and a rocky relationship to boot. Meh, move on. Why are you with him? Is the sex often and great? Are you too scared to be single and look for someone else?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> Thank you bluinbr for your candid advice. You have given me a lot to consider. All of the responses I have received have been very helpful. Upsetting, but, helpful.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Of course he was upset,you had figured out his game and he didn't like it.I am trying to figure out what you are getting out of this relationship other than heartache and I don't think you're getting a lot.The audacity of him to tell that girl to ignore you,that would be a deal breaker for me.
I would seriously start thinking about his dismissive attitude to your concerns and while I know you probably love his child he doesn't seem to be much of a dad.
Please don't take what I am going to say the wrong way,but has it occurred to you that he only sees you as an unpaid childminder with benefits.He has all the trappings of a single man while you are torturing yourself while making a home for his child.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

ne9907 said:


> Your boyfriend lacks boundaries!
> 
> He also seems to enjoy the attention he gets from a hot 20something year old woman... I understand your pain, I wanted to scream when I read that he told this woman "ignore her" referring your words...
> 
> ...



I think you are right, he is liking the attention he is getting from someone almost half his age. She's pretty, but I wouldn't call her hot. I am actually thinner than she is. 

I have asked him to go to counseling with me. He said we could when we move. 

I appreciate your response. 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Honestly, WHAT are you getting out of this relationship? You are upset your bf basically blew you off to another woman right in front of you. In my book, that's a deal breaker. Talk about disrespect.

So, again, WHAT are you getting out of this?


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

A couple of thoughts on your original post:

You said she used to be an escort, it could be that she was arrested for that and that's the reason she has her ankle monitor. 

If she was an escort and there are men coming to the house, she may still be receiving in-calls, meaning she's still escorting on the side, but in her own home. This of course, is just a guess. 

Either that or she's very promiscuous and her "boyfriend" could just be a sugar daddy and knows what she did/does. 

I absolutely agree with everyone here that says that when he dismissed what you said and took her side, he didn't want to look bad to her. What the ****??!!

if it were me, I'd go there and tell him we are leaving NOW and finding you another room .... see how he responds. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> 5+ years and no real proposal or wedding and a rocky relationship to boot. Meh, move on. Why are you with him? Is the sex often and great? Are you too scared to be single and look for someone else?




The sex has been great. But, obviously, that isn't a reason to stay. I am a little nervous about being on my own. Mostly I don't want to be a failure again. I was married for 13 years to the father of my 2 kids. He just decided he didn't want to be married anymore, packed his stuff and left. He soon moved in with another woman. So, in my head I don't want to be a quitter. I want to go to counseling. 

If I had definite proof of something going on, it would be easier for my to pack and "run" as many have suggested.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Honestly, WHAT are you getting out of this relationship? You are upset your bf basically blew you off to another woman right in front of you. In my book, that's a deal breaker. Talk about disrespect.
> 
> 
> 
> So, again, WHAT are you getting out of this?



I see what you are saying. One big concern of mine is that his daughter sees me as her step-mother even though we aren't officially married. She ended up with us because of her own mother being abusive. She depends on me. If I leave him, I am leaving her too. So, I don't want to be hasty in my decision. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> A couple of thoughts on your original post:
> 
> You said she used to be an escort, it could be that she was arrested for that and that's the reason she has her ankle monitor.
> 
> ...




I found out the ankle monitor was due to her causing a wreck while under the influence of alcohol. If I remember correctly, it was her third strike. Not positive about that. 

The sugar-daddy scenario crossed my mind as well. 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JoleighS said:


> I am a little nervous about being on my own.


After your husband left, how long were you on your own before you met your bf? What is it about being on your own that is scary?



JoleighS said:


> Mostly I don't want to be a failure again. ... I don't want to be a quitter. I want to go to counseling.


You were quite upset that your bf was so casual with the roommate just walking into his bedroom. Understandable. But you doubt your own feelings and perceptions. You weren't sure if you were overreacting or not to the situation, so you came here to determine that. Do you often doubt yourself?

I've gotta be honest here. You sound pretty insecure about who you are and what you will and will not accept. So the sex is great, but the relationship is "rocky," and your bf blows you off. Counseling can help you sort things out. But the reason you are staying is because of your issues, not because your bf is the greatest thing since sliced bread. He sounds like a disrespectful jerk to me, who has no problem talking you down in front of some skank.

I'd think long and hard about committing to a permanent relationship with this man. Seriously.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> After your husband left, how long were you on your own before you met your bf? What is it about being on your own that is scary?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And now she knows how many others think it was totally asinine too, so shouldn't doubt what she felt anymore. 


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Sarah1976 said:


> If she didn't act funny then he may very well be telling you the truth and she has absolutely no idea of what's appropriate. He should talk to her especially given the time you two have been involved. If she didn't even flinch at you being in there then it tells me she was being how she is normally, however weird that is... And yes, it's weird. That's just me. *I think I would tell him that any report of him living with a criminal can have his pilots license in question, especially now.*


How would telling him that help? 

Where did you get the idea that living with someone with a criminal record is grounds for loss of a pilot license? If you are suggesting that she makes that up then she will just look stupid when she says it and lose any credibility in her point of view.

For people who are unaware many pilots live in a "crash pad", ironically named, near their domicile base when they are on reserve (i.e. on call). These are usually a whole load of pilots renting one place and relying on the fact that they won't all be there at the same time. Flight Attendants do the same thing. I can understand him renting the cheapest room he can find but this setup just sounds weird.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

JoleighS said:


> He has only been back home twice when he had a series of consecutive days off. He is not a commercial pilot, he works for a charter company, so he is on call 24/7 and has to remain within 2 hours of the airport. We are in two different states, 4 1/2 hours apart.


That is a bit different from the usual pilot needing a temporary place to stay while they or on duty or on reserve, but I think you need to strongly suggest that he finds somewhere else asap.

I don't think there is any action that can be taken against his license in the current living arrangements but if his company values their reputation then a pilot living with someone who has DUIs and a know alcohol problem might be let go poste haste. No airline wants any suspicion of alcohol abuse relating to their crew force.



GuyInColorado said:


> 5+ years and no real proposal or wedding and a rocky relationship to boot. Meh, move on. Why are you with him? Is the sex often and great? Are you too scared to be single and look for someone else?


I agree. If you've had the ring for 5 years and no commitment to make it permanent then it was less of an engagement ring and more of a STFU ring.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JoleighS said:


> I see what you are saying.


I'm confused. I asked you what YOU are getting out of your relationship with HIM. I don't think great sex or the fear of being alone are particularly compelling reasons to stay with this man. 



JoleighS said:


> One big concern of mine is that his daughter sees me as her step-mother even though we aren't officially married. She ended up with us because of her own mother being abusive. She depends on me. If I leave him, I am leaving her too.


His daughter also sees you as a role model for what women should and should not accept from a partner. So you have had a "rocky" relationship and stayed five years without a formal engagement. I'm just speculating, but I get the feeling you aren't happy about a number of things. Rug sweeping perhaps? Would you want his daughter to be in a relationship situation similar to yours as it stands right now?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> His daughter also sees you as a role model for what women should and should not accept from a partner. So you have had a "rocky" relationship and stayed five years without a formal engagement. I'm just speculating, but I get the feeling you aren't happy about a number of things. Rug sweeping perhaps? Would you want his daughter to be in a relationship situation similar to yours as it stands right now?


This is such a good point.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You seem like a really nice woman.

I know it is common practice for people to set up house outside of a marriage. Doing so puts many things at risk, and leaves little protection when something goes wrong. Your BF has not committed, and after five years, you are not even engaged. He lives in another state, *with a prostitute*. A prostitue that comes in his room without knocking wearing only a towel. This is what happens *while you were there!* What praytell do you think happens when you are not there?

Time to reflect on this stuff. I know you love his daughter. You can continue to do so. Should you continue to love him though? 
Please think about this very seriously. You may have been provided with a huge wake up call here. Will you answer, or will you hang up and ignore it? 

Lastly, out of safety you should really consider immediately getting tested for STDs. I'll say it again. *Your boyfriend lives in another state with a prostitute. *


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Your boyfriend lives with a prostitute that is 1/2 his age that, wore a court ordered ankle monitor, has other men over as more than just freinds when her much older boyfriend is out of town, and that feels free to enter your boyfriend's closed door bedroom without knocking wearing just a towel. What could possibly go wrong?


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## Sarah1976 (Feb 4, 2017)

Another thing I want to mention.. My friend actually ended up adopting her boyfriends daughter later on in life and dumped him and raised her when he wound up in prison. Similar situation where he got caught up where others had drugs and put him in constructive possession


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Do not marry this guy, that's my advice.  

He is divorce material, not marriage material. Sorry you find yourself here.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Have you ever thought about the possibility of the escort getting pregnant???


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Have you ever thought about the possibility of the escort getting pregnant???


 I would also worry about the boyfriend getting an STD and giving it to the OP.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Have you ever thought about the possibility of the escort getting pregnant???
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



Ironic you mention this. She apparently just told him last night she is pregnant. And, for some reason he decided to share this information with me. My boyfriend is "fixed", has been since his divorce, so I know it's not his. If it's not his, I could care less that she is pregnant. 

It's not her "boyfriend's" either. She told my boyfriend it was planned with another guy. Ummm, that makes NO sense at all to me on so many levels. Why would you live with some one you claim to love, yet deliberately get pregnant by another man?? 

Plus, something else struck me - this is a life event that you wouldn't normally share with someone you supposedly hardly see or talk to. Yet, she confided in my boyfriend. Then he felt the need to tell me. Did he think this information would ease my mind that there isn't anything going on with them, because she's obviously involved with others. The way my boyfriend thinks, I could see this as a possibility. Even though he is highly intelligent, I have often noticed on a social and emotional level he acts like a 12 year old. In fact, I have told him he is acting like a juvenile in several situations over the years that we have been together. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> Do not marry this guy, that's my advice.
> 
> 
> 
> He is divorce material, not marriage material. Sorry you find yourself here.




Thank you *Deidra*.  I appreciate your response. 


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> Ironic you mention this. She apparently just told him last night she is pregnant. And, for some reason he decided to share this information with me. My boyfriend is "fixed", has been since his divorce, so I know it's not his. If it's not his, I could care less that she is pregnant.
> 
> It's not her "boyfriend's" either. She told my boyfriend it was planned with another guy. Ummm, that makes NO sense at all to me on so many levels. Why would you live with some one you claim to love, yet deliberately get pregnant by another man??
> 
> ...




She may not be pregnant at all .... not saying she isn't, just saying there's that possibility. And yes, that's very personal for her to share with him if true. 

Why is he even talking to her THAT much if nothing is truly going on?
Out of "respect" for you, he should tell her that he'd prefer to keep their conversation to polite necessities. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I'm confused. I asked you what YOU are getting out of your relationship with HIM. I don't think great sex or the fear of being alone are particularly compelling reasons to stay with this man.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Rug sweeping? Yes. I believe that is what I've been doing. As I think back, anytime I have had a concern and bring it to his attention he somehow twists things around in such a way that I end up feeling like I really am making something out of nothing. That my way of seeing things is always wrong. That I always misinterpret situations. Which is probably true at times, but I don't think it's true every single time. Yet, I would sweep things under the rug, and chalk it up to me being unreasonable. Suppose this is why I did seek out a way to gather some unbiased opinions to see if anyone else thinks the way I do. To see if anyone else would have had the same reaction I did about this one particular incident. It was driving me a little crazy, because it just seemed so off to me, yet they both were acting like it was totally normally and I was the weird one for getting bent out of shape. 

Would I want his daughter, or any girl, any man for that matter, to feel the way I do right now in a relationship? No, I wouldn't. As far as I know, she isn't even aware of anything. 

What am I getting out of this relationship? At the moment, not what I really need.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> That is a bit different from the usual pilot needing a temporary place to stay while they or on duty or on reserve, but I think you need to strongly suggest that he finds somewhere else asap.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He gave me the ring a year and half ago. He just got his 3 months ago. He sent me pictures of it asking my opinion. He ordered it online and it was delivered to our house. I think the reason he bought one is because I had mentioned that I wear a ring every day and so others know I'm taken. Yet, no one would know he is taken unless he told them because he wasn't wearing a ring. I use to get hit on before I started wearing my ring, so I know people pay attention to that.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Spicy said:


> You seem like a really nice woman.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you for the advice. I am definitely reflecting and reevaluating everything. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> After your husband left, how long were you on your own before you met your bf? What is it about being on your own that is scary?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I had been on my own for 3 years after my husband left when I met my current boyfriend. During that time, I concentrated on my children who were only 10 and 5 when their father decided he wanted out. I also worked as a teacher's aide while earning my BA in teaching at night and on weekends. So, for three years all of my time was given to my kids, work, and school. 

I do appreciate your honesty Prodigal. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Of course he was upset,you had figured out his game and he didn't like it.I am trying to figure out what you are getting out of this relationship other than heartache and I don't think you're getting a lot.The audacity of him to tell that girl to ignore you,that would be a deal breaker for me.
> I would seriously start thinking about his dismissive attitude to your concerns and while I know you probably love his child he doesn't seem to be much of a dad.
> Please don't take what I am going to say the wrong way,but has it occurred to you that he only sees you as an unpaid childminder with benefits.He has all the trappings of a single man while you are torturing yourself while making a home for his child.




Your assessment of my situation seems fair. Sigh. You aren't the first one to ask me what I am getting out of this relationship. Currently, not what I need. However, it isn't always bad. He can make me feel loved, wanted, needed, secure...and, I try my best to do the same for him. Still, after reading all the responses and hearing the thoughts of others about my situation, I am seriously reevaluating my relationship. 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> Ironic you mention this. She apparently just told him last night she is pregnant. And, for some reason he decided to share this information with me. My boyfriend is "fixed", has been since his divorce, so I know it's not his. If it's not his, I could care less that she is pregnant.
> 
> It's not her "boyfriend's" either. She told my boyfriend it was planned with another guy. Ummm, that makes NO sense at all to me on so many levels. Why would you live with some one you claim to love, yet deliberately get pregnant by another man??
> 
> ...


Two things.He could be lying by telling you she is pregnant with a boyfriend and it was planned,so that you are reassured there is nothing going on.
He also could be planning long term with her,so don't be surprised if he tells you he wants to stay in contact with her to "support" her.You seem to have no influence on him at all and I can't see why you are not living together.Surely the rent you are both paying would pay for an apt for you,him and the kids.After all you are supposed to be building a house together.
If you take any advice of this forum( and I don't think you will)please make it this,do not sign your name on any property deeds or mortgage unless you are married and are 100% sure he is not going behind your back with this girl or any other.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> Your assessment of my situation seems fair. Sigh. You aren't the first one to ask me what I am getting out of this relationship. Currently, not what I need. However, it isn't always bad. He can make me feel loved, wanted, needed, secure...and, I try my best to do the same for him. Still, after reading all the responses and hearing the thoughts of others about my situation, I am seriously reevaluating my relationship.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


He should ALWAYS make you feel loved,wanted,needed and secure.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Two things.He could be lying by telling you she is pregnant with a boyfriend and it was planned,so that you are reassured there is nothing going on.
> 
> He also could be planning long term with her,so don't be surprised if he tells you he wants to stay in contact with her to "support" her.You seem to have no influence on him at all and I can't see why you are not living together.Surely the rent you are both paying would pay for an apt for you,him and the kids.After all you are supposed to be building a house together.
> 
> If you take any advice of this forum( and I don't think you will)please make it this,do not sign your name on any property deeds or mortgage unless you are married and are 100% sure he is not going behind your back with this girl or any other.




I actually pointed that out - how we were kind of paying double rent and wouldn't it make sense for us to go ahead and find a rental until the house was built. The original plan was for us to all move over Christmas break into a rental. However, even with a realtor helping us, we could not find a decent rental in the area we needed to be in that would allow us to sign a short term lease with 3 dogs. We were finding no one wanted to offer a 6 month lease, or they would only allow 2 dogs. And, the deposits were outrageous, like double or triple with the pet deposits on top of that. He got frustrated and said he needed the deposit money to put toward down payment for the house, and he really didn't want to move twice, he just wanted to deal with one big move into the new house, so we should keep things as is. Plus, It is hard on kids to move them in the middle of the school year anyway. It seems like every thing is against us when it comes to moving prior to the house being built. 

My aunt actually advised me of the same thing when it comes to signing anything for the house. It will all be in his name only. 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> I actually pointed that out - how we were kind of paying double rent and wouldn't it make sense for us to go ahead and find a rental until the house was built. The original plan was for us to all move over Christmas break into a rental. However, even with a realtor helping us, we could not find a decent rental in the area we needed to be in that would allow us to sign a short term lease with 3 dogs. We were finding no one wanted to offer a 6 month lease, or they would only allow 2 dogs. And, the deposits were outrageous, like double or triple with the pet deposits on top of that. He got frustrated and said he needed the deposit money to put toward down payment for the house, and he really didn't want to move twice, he just wanted to deal with one big move into the new house, so we should keep things as is. Plus, It is hard on kids to move them in the middle of the school year anyway. It seems like every thing is against us when it comes to moving prior to the house being built.
> 
> My aunt actually advised me of the same thing when it comes to signing anything for the house. It will all be in his name only.
> 
> ...


WAIT WAIT WAIT.You are both buying a house but only his name will be on the deeds?
Are you out of your mind,you will end up paying a mortgage for a property that isn't even in your name.You will have no claim on this house if you split up before you are married and even then if your kids are grown up you will find yourself homeless.Please find someone you can trust to talk everything through with you because I honestly don't think you are thinking straight.
This man has you running in circles and you don't realise it.
He lives the single life,a live in female"friend" who has no idea of boundaries and no respect for you.
He belittled you in front of her and told her ignore you.
He doesn't come home to see you or his daughter,you have to travel to him.
He refuses to let you and the children live in the same city,this deposit talk is a smokescreen.
He makes fun of you when you raise concerns which are legitimate concerns in my opinion.
He refuses to wear his "wedding" ring on the correct hand which gives the impression he is unattached.
He wants you both to buy a house with just his name on the deeds.
You are now unemployed because you gave up work to move with him but now he has changed his mind so you are looking after his daughter while he lives as a single man.
He has the best of everything and you seem to be an unpaid childminder with occasional moments of intimacy,as long as you travel to him and he doesn't have to exert himself.
I would never tell you to abandon his child but he needs to be looking after her at least,I would bring her with you on the next trip and let him know she is moving in with him.Then he may get off his ass and sort out living arrangements at least.
You are being played here and it gives me no pleasure to tell you that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> WAIT WAIT WAIT.You are both buying a house but only his name will be on the deeds?
> Are you out of your mind,you will end up paying a mortgage for a property that isn't even in your name.You will have no claim on this house if you split up before you are married and even then if your kids are grown up you will find yourself homeless.Please find someone you can trust to talk everything through with you because I honestly don't think you are thinking straight.
> This man has you running in circles and you don't realise it.
> He lives the single life,a live in female"friend" who has no idea of boundaries and no respect for you.
> ...


Read and heed. Then run like hell.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

If he belittled you to your face, can you even imagine what he says behind your back? My STBXH threw me under the bus every chance he got. That behavior will make you doubt your sanity and make you feel like you just don't matter. Because to him you don't. 

You need to get away from this guy before he completely destroys you and he is working on that now. That way, he can control you better because you start to doubt your own instincts, emotions and perceptions. I didn't know which end was up when mine left. I doubt my ability to trust my own judgement and feelings now but am working on that in IC.

He's not going to go to a Marriage Counselor....ever. Why should he when he has his cake & is eating it too? Please get IC before you actually marry this guy. This is bad with the potential to get so much worse. You have to take his daughter out of the equation. He is counting on your feelings for her to keep you in place.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Síocháin said:


> If he belittled you to your face, can you even imagine what he says behind your back? My STBXH threw me under the bus every chance he got. That behavior will make you doubt your sanity and make you feel like you just don't matter. Because to him you don't.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow. Amazing how on point you are in describing how I've been feeling. I'm very sorry for what you went through. Thank you very much for your response. By the way, what does IC mean exactly? I'm pretty sure you are referring to counseling, but wanted to clarify. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> WAIT WAIT WAIT.You are both buying a house but only his name will be on the deeds?
> Are you out of your mind,you will end up paying a mortgage for a property that isn't even in your name.You will have no claim on this house if you split up before you are married and even then if your kids are grown up you will find yourself homeless.Please find someone you can trust to talk everything through with you because I honestly don't think you are thinking straight.
> This man has you running in circles and you don't realise it.
> He lives the single life,a live in female"friend" who has no idea of boundaries and no respect for you.
> ...




How would I be responsible for the mortgage if my name is not on anything and I don't sign anything?


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

@JoleighS, sorry, I forget sometimes. IC is individual counseling. It's been 6 months now since the separation. I am getting better but I have good days and bad. IC is helping because I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. Thank you for your kind words.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

JoleighS said:


> As I think back, anytime I have had a concern and bring it to his attention he somehow twists things around in such a way that I end up feeling like I really am making something out of nothing. That my way of seeing things is always wrong. That I always misinterpret situations. Which is probably true at times, but I don't think it's true every single time. Yet, I would sweep things under the rug, and chalk it up to me being unreasonable. Suppose this is why I did seek out a way to gather some unbiased opinions to see if anyone else thinks the way I do. To see if anyone else would have had the same reaction I did about this one particular incident. It was driving me a little crazy, because it just seemed so off to me, yet they both were acting like it was totally normally and I was the weird one for getting bent out of shape.


He's totally gaslighting you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

JoleighS said:


> How would I be responsible for the mortgage if my name is not on anything and I don't sign anything?


What Andy meant is that you will likely help make mortgage payments each month. Without your name on the deed, only your boyfriend will own a portion of it. You own nothing, which makes you a tenant paying rent. 

I've read this whole thread. You do seem like a nice lady, but cannot see how your boyfriend has such little respect for you. If I valued my long-term girlfriend, I would not even think of living in that situation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JoleighS said:


> How would I be responsible for the mortgage if my name is not on anything and I don't sign anything?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


If the home is purchased before marriage, you are not on the loan or deed you are not responsible for anything. 

What your BF is doing is a round about way of a pre-nup. House purchased before marriage. You are not on the loan or deed. If you separate after marriage the home goes to the STBX.


Did I mention RUN?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JoleighS said:


> How would I be responsible for the mortgage if my name is not on anything and I don't sign anything?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Unless he is going to pay for everything,mortgage,all household expenses,all children's activities etc then you will also be contributing to the running of the household and you will be contributing to a mortgage that will have no benefit to you unless you are married.
If he has the money to do all this without your contribution then why is the deposit on the apt you want to rent such a big deal.
Look,I'm not trying to talk you into anything here but you seem in such fear of losing him that you seem prepared to accept any abuse that he dishes out to you.I had a break up of an engagement last year and I will admit for a few months I didn't know if I was on my head or my ass.We got back together but it hasn't been easy,however neither of us put the other through the gas lighting your boyfriend is putting you through.
I wish you the best of luck and I wish you had someone to discuss this situation with who has your interests at heart.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

If you are torn about what to do, perhaps you should suggest to him that he needs to leave there ASAP, find a room somewhere else, and have no contact with her at all. 

See what his reaction is, that should tell you allot. 


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

JoleighS said:


> He gave me the ring a year and half ago. He just got his 3 months ago. He sent me pictures of it asking my opinion. He ordered it online and it was delivered to our house. I think the reason he bought one is because I had mentioned that I wear a ring every day and so others know I'm taken. Yet, no one would know he is taken unless he told them because he wasn't wearing a ring. I use to get hit on before I started wearing my ring, so I know people pay attention to that.


My misunderstanding. Please accept my apologies.



JoleighS said:


> I actually pointed that out - how we were kind of paying double rent and wouldn't it make sense for us to go ahead and find a rental until the house was built. The original plan was for us to all move over Christmas break into a rental. However, even with a realtor helping us, we could not find a decent rental in the area we needed to be in that would allow us to sign a short term lease with 3 dogs. We were finding no one wanted to offer a 6 month lease, or they would only allow 2 dogs. And, the deposits were outrageous, like double or triple with the pet deposits on top of that. He got frustrated and said he needed the deposit money to put toward down payment for the house, and he really didn't want to move twice, he just wanted to deal with one big move into the new house, so we should keep things as is. Plus, It is hard on kids to move them in the middle of the school year anyway. It seems like every thing is against us when it comes to moving prior to the house being built.
> 
> My aunt actually advised me of the same thing when it comes to signing anything for the house. It will all be in his name only.


I fully understand that most places won't rent a house with less than a 12 month contract, unfortunately a lot of apartments won't rent with more than 2 pets. You are in a tough situation there.

If he doesn't want to move until the new house is ready and you haven't even found a plot and started building yet then that could be a very long wait. 

Does he have the hours to try for a job with one of the major carriers. Admittedly a junior pilot schedule is going to suck at best but he will probably get more time at home than he does now and would probably to able to commute from your home to his domicile base, or bid trips that work better from your home town.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> My misunderstanding. Please accept my apologies.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That's ok... no worries about the misunderstanding. I'm throwing a lot of information out there. Easy for things to get confusing. 

The house is supposed to be ready by June. Maybe sooner. 

I could suggest a job change. But, that is unlikely since he just started this one in September. 

I really appreciate your understanding and advice. Thank you.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> If you are torn about what to do, perhaps you should suggest to him that he needs to leave there ASAP, find a room somewhere else, and have no contact with her at all.
> 
> See what his reaction is, that should tell you allot.
> 
> ...




He told me tonight that she is moving out soon. I hope this is true. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Unless he is going to pay for everything,mortgage,all household expenses,all children's activities etc then you will also be contributing to the running of the household and you will be contributing to a mortgage that will have no benefit to you unless you are married.
> 
> If he has the money to do all this without your contribution then why is the deposit on the apt you want to rent such a big deal.
> 
> ...




Thank you very much Andy1001. I had to look up "gaslighting" because I have never heard of it. Wow. I think you are right.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

You should suggest to him that he needs to leave there ASAP.


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> He's totally gaslighting you.




Someone else referred to him "gaslighting" me. Must admit I have never heard of this term before. I looked it up and it seems to be quite accurate as to what I have been experiencing. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. 


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## JoleighS (Feb 6, 2017)

emmasmith said:


> You should suggest to him that he needs to leave there ASAP.




He told me tonight that she is moving out soon. I hope this happens. 


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Although some of the "damage" has already been done. 

(Him defending her and not standing up for and defending you) etc. 

And still, you have no idea when she'll move out or IF she's actually moving out. Many days and nights of her still being there. 

Why wait? He needs to move out yesterday!


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