# Wife left went to live at parents



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

This past Friday my wife moved out. I honestly didn't take her seriously. I figured she was just being overly dramatic and would come right back. She didn't and I freaked out doing all the classic begging, pleading, text terrorism things that I have learned now to be useless and wrong. 

We will have been married 5 years this June 2nd and been together on the same day for 7 years. I didn't eat for three days and cried uncontrollably for days. I kept thinking if she would just see me and just listen to how much I loved her she would come back and everything would be fine. I showed up at her parents house with 7 pink roses (her favorite) one for every year we will have been together come June 2. I also included a letter with her favorite smelling cologne that she got for me sprayed on it. 

In the letter I promised to change and all the begging type of stuff a dumped spouse would say I suppose. 

So she basically left because she really wants to have children right now and I didn't agree we were ready. We have also been fighting constantly for the past two years and a few years ago she cheated on me with an ex of hers.

I always said after a past experience I would never put up with a cheater again but this was my marriage and I felt a responsibility to it and us. We really should have gone into counselling right away after the cheating. Instead I let it fester and never really forgave her.

She currently will not talk to me at all in any form, and she just talked to my mom today. She told my mom that it was over, that she wasn't dealing with broken promises anymore, that she is almost thirty and wants to start a family, that she just wants a divorce.

I got two books suggested on here, one is "divorce busting" and the other is "no more mr nice guy". I'm reading DB right now and had a question about the last resort method. I have not texted or called her since Tuesday. Some people say wait a week before contact some say a month. How long should I wait? The book doesn't say. What if she calls me before the week is up? Am I allowed to answer I don't want to push her further away by not answering.

I know she still loves me greatly but she is trying to be brave and be done. I have realized what I did wrong, and its not to say that she doesn't have issues either. We both have things to work on. I have had a real issue with holding grudges as is evidenced in the fact that until Monday night I hadn't spoken to my father in 5 years because of a spat I got into with him and my brothers. The same thing happened with her family and while she forgave them I held onto it and refused to swallow my pride and move forward. This took a real toll on our relationship. You can imagine how I held a grudge with the cheating and with other things that happened here and there.

So here I am alone and figuring myself out. I know now I can only change myself, can't force her to come back, and need to learn the lesson from what having so much arrogant begrudging pride can do. 

So again my biggest questions are:

If she calls me do I answer?

How long should I wait before contacting her?

How should I approach that first contact in X amount of time with her?

Thanks so much for any and all replies! I need every perspective I can get right now.


----------



## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

If she calls me do I answer? *Yes*

How long should I wait before contacting her? *Don't contact her let her think about the situation and respond. You said enough.She know how you feel. *

How should I approach that first contact in X amount of time with her?* No Pressure, ask her out on date, don't talk about getting back together but general life. *


----------



## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

Agree!


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

Thanks for the responses! Is there a list to a better defined list of steps and rules in the 180 last resort plan? I have read the "divorce busting" book and its not as comprehensive as I had thought. 

I know one of the things is exercise and self improvement. I need a list of things to get me on track.

I love the idea of a date! That would be great! We never set aside time like we did when we were dating, a mistake that should never happen again given the chance.

Should I never try and contact her then if she doesn't contact me?

This forum is a life saver, Thanks so much!


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Here are the important points of your post.

1- She cheated on you

2- She wants to have children now and you don't

3- You were so devastated that you went overboard with the whole pathetic begging, pleading, clingy needy thing that you now realize is not an effective strategy for getting an ex back so here you are looking for better ways to do it.

I'm going to suggest you go about it a different way. 

First of all let's address this part of your post here because it screams about how much in denial you are about your own feelings and what motivates you. Please re-read it and then we'll go on. 



lostinpennsylvania said:


> I always said after a past experience I would never put up with a cheater again but this was my marriage and I felt a responsibility to it and us.


Do you really think that you put up with the cheating because of "responsibility to you and your marriage?".

Given how devastated you were when she left you, and your state of mind right now, I will suggest its all about how you just cannot imagine going through life without her, and that's just really BAD.

You need to be able to deal with life on your own, before you can even think about working on trying to rebuild your broken marriage. You come across as weak, needy, dependent, and as far away as your wife was before you did the whole begging thing, believe me she's even further now.

She's gone, at least for now, maybe forever, and you need to work on your life going forward as if you're going to be without her, and odds are you probably will be. What she does in the next few days, or weeks, whether she calls, doesn't call.. what you should do if you hear from her, MUST take a back seat. She needs to become a much less important role in your life and if you work at it, it's going to happen. 

But not as long as you sit by the phone and post threads asking how to get her back and how long to wait before contacting her.

Go live your life. If she comes around, you'll deal with it, from the perspective of an independent secure guy who will be ok with or without her and who just might be able to fit her into his schedule sometime next week.


----------



## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

*do not contact her,, let her miss u, if you continue to push she will pull away *


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

@hisfac You're right, I have to live my life like this is it and I may never see her again. I don't want to be a weak doormat for her anymore, hell I never was when we were dating or before. I actually do want have children I just wanted to wait a year until things were a little better financially. After talking with friends that have kids I realized that I will never be ready for kids there is no perfect time its something you do or don't do.

If she came back and we resolved the issues I would have a child with her now. You are correct though I have thought about how I couldn't possible go through my life with out her.

My mind is moving away from that kind of thinking and the more I read the books and this forum the more the fog of the separation lifts and logic takes a stronger hold in my brain.

I want to make the best decisions I can right now, and until the fog is completely gone I will keep journaling and avoid contact.


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

hisfac said:


> 3- You were so devastated that you went overboard with the whole pathetic begging, pleading, clingy needy thing that you now realize is not an effective strategy for getting an ex back so here you are looking for better ways to do it.


Is that behavior repairable? I shouldn't have done it I know, and I never will again, its not only friggin pathetic and disrespectful to myself but reinforcing to her decision.

I know I have to work on myself first.

Yes she did cheat on me a few years back, I guess I need to figure out the real reason I stayed. I have more thinking to do, because being deeply in love can't be the only reason.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

lostinpennsylvania said:


> If she came back and we resolved the issues I would have a child with her now.


While I'm not the least bit surprised, that would be a really BAD idea. 



lostinpennsylvania said:


> You are correct though I have thought about how I couldn't possible go through my life with out her.


Unfortunately that call was easy to make. If I can see it, so can she, and it's VERY unappealing and unattractive. 



lostinpennsylvania said:


> Is that behavior repairable? I shouldn't have done it I know, and I never will again, its not only friggin pathetic and disrespectful to myself but reinforcing to her decision.


It's hard to say if the damage done by your begging behavior is repairable or even if that was the final straw for her. She might have already been gone for good, or that might have been the icing on the cake, or maybe she's not finished yet. 

It doesn't matter, because it is what it is. Sort of like fate in that you can't really do much to save things if it's already over, but you don't really know for sure that it's over.. however what you do going forward can help you get through whatever is to follow and it just might make a difference if she sees that you're doing ok without her and are becoming more of your former, stronger independent self which is what originally attracted you to her.


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

justwhy said:


> *do not contact her,, let her miss u, if you continue to push she will pull away *


Your so right! All signs point to her breaking down and trying to get a hold of me in a little while, my response to that contact can't happen until I :

1. Am no longer in a deep emotional fog

2. Have decided if she is worth pursuing and why

3. Have a game plan if I do decide to be with her again

I know now that I have to set boundaries and maintain them, that my hobbies and interests are important, that my health and friendships shouldn't fall away in a good relationship.

Lots to keep thinking about, Thanks!


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

hisfac said:


> It doesn't matter, because it is what it is. Sort of like fate in that you can't really do much to save things if it's already over, but you don't really know for sure that it's over.. however what you do going forward can help you get through whatever is to follow and it just might make a difference if she sees that you're doing ok without her and are becoming more of your former, stronger independent self which is what originally attracted you to her.


Your so right, and your insights could only have come from a similar experience huh? 

When I think about the man I was when I met her and when she was my girlfriend I was so much different. I had lots of great friendships, was the lead singer in a band, road raced my car on the weekends (which I sold for her), went to car shows, had a disposable income, and was the guy everyone wanted to be around and hang out with.

In contrast to married life: I pretty much gave up all my friendships, she ate up money, made me get rid of my race car, and pretty much stopped doing anything.

I think lowering healthy boundaries and just turning into a pile of mushy I wuv you I will do anything you want is a big root cause of it all. That and my stubborn pride that kept me from resolving conflicts.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

lostinpennsylvania said:


> Your so right, and your insights could only have come from a similar experience huh?


Similar in that I was married for 16 years, together for 18, we basically got sick of each other and there was a lot of fighting, but no infidelity, at least that I was aware of.. she filed first, I moved out at the end of 2006, she ultimately withdrew the divorce and begged me to come back but by then I was done and I refiled. 4 years of expensive, emotionally draining litigation that cost more than a quarter million bucks in combined legal fees and it was final at the end of 2009.

I never begged or pleaded or anything else.. just sort of accepted things were over, especially when the police came knocking and politely handed me an Order of Protection and gave me 10 minutes to leave. That was the first time I left, but I had moved back after she recanted and we made a last attempt to reconcile that lasted a few short months before I voluntarily moved out for good.

Looking back on things, I adjusted rather quickly to my new life..2 floor townhouse, a dog, and a half a dozen relationships in the past 6 years of some duration, one as long as 2 years. Not what I planned, but us humans, we're more adaptable than we think we are.

I think I've become a bit of a commitmentphobe of sorts, I've ended the last 3 relationships because I just wasn't feeling it.. if things start to sour, I'm quick to bolt rather than trying to fix.

Seems like there are plenty of women out there..


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lost in PA,

What was her early childhood like?

Do you know?

If you do, please be specific.


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Lost in PA,
> 
> What was her early childhood like?
> 
> ...


Her parents were married for 17 years and as long as she can remember her dad always slept on the couch. Her mom never worked and never did any house work or took care of anything. Her mom was emotionally abusive and so was her father. She especially has some dad issues as he approached her sexually when she was 15 or so. 

Just about a year ago she found out that her mom and her dad did nothing but smoke weed to get through all those years, and it devastated her. Her mom is smoking a lot now with the step dad and I suspect she may be also to suppress the pain. 

Her mom manipulated the children in the divorce against her father in many hurtful ways that still affect her today as she still talks about them.

Her mom is not a very nice person, Her parents fighting and divorce certainly left a scar


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm not surprised to hear her childhood home was filled with neglect, anger, and abandonment. What you describe of her behavior towards you (ie: the lack of commitment to doing anything different and the anger when not getting her way) screams of an emotionally broken person.

She's likely known what you've wanted for years, but has been secretly angry with you because she's simply terrified to actually commit/submit to a man. She likely distrusts all men and holds them in contempt. You see, people who should not have hurt her DID hurt her a long time ago. You are likely the stand-in for her anger towards them.

Marriage counseling is not what she needs.

Individual counseling IS what she needs - with a focus on her interactions with you - and how she can get past her own anger and the resulting dismissal of your needs in your relationship.

Keep in mind that some people actually attend therapy simply to nurse their own internal anger. Of course, this gets nowhere. Then they end up repeating the same old mistakes for the rest of their lives. They are miserable and they blame everyone but themselves.

The people that hurt her aren't here.

Now, she's paying it forward.

It can stop here. But, she's going to need to fix herself. She's the only one that can.

You taking her crap doesn't help her a bit.

Most importantly, it does nothing positive for you.


----------



## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I'm not surprised to hear her childhood home was filled with neglect, anger, and abandonment. What you describe of her behavior towards you (ie: the lack of commitment to doing anything different and the anger when not getting her way) screams of an emotionally broken person.
> 
> She's likely known what you've wanted for years, but has been secretly angry with you because she's simply terrified to actually commit/submit to a man. She likely distrusts all men and holds them in contempt. You see, people who should not have hurt her DID hurt her a long time ago. You are likely the stand-in for her anger towards them.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insightful post Conrad. She definitely projects her anger from her parents at me. She has on more than one occasion said I was like her father, which couldn't be further from the truth. 

I certainly agree that individual counselling is a must for both of us. Did I forget to mention that she was diagnosed bi-polar years ago and blamed the cheating on the medication that she said messed with her head?

After that she stopped taking it, and I never really excepted that as an excuse, and she never took another kind of med again.

Whether she is bi-polar or bpd or anything like that is not really for me to decide. That's what professionals are for. I constantly tried to get her back to one, especially when her moods were sharply erratic. 

I've been reading this book "no more mr. nice guy" that was suggested on here and I have some of the traits but not much of it rings very true. Still it is a helpful book, and one trait I have had is trying to "fix" her mental health on my own.

I still miss her and love her a lot. She didn't get sick until after we were married. Our first 2 years as boyfriend and girlfriend were perfect. 

I have been working on finding my emotional "center" so that it is no longer her. It never should have been in the first place and I know that now. I am the only one responsible for my own emotional well being. "You are your own highest value" as Ayn Rand would say.

The fog has nearly dissipated from my mind and my clear thoughts are speaking to me. Previously in my emotional turmoil she would have called me wanting to come home I would have taken her right back. Now I know that would only lead to more of the same and I'm tired of it all. 

I want a better life and whether that includes her or not remains to be seen based on her actions and reactions to what I will have to say when we finally get down to the meat of the situation. 

I've been reading a lot of threads here on this site. That and a previous comment on my thread has me thinking some people see love as easily gotten, disposable, or just another component in a relationship. 

I want to make it clear that the way I feel about her, the connection we have had is unlike any relationship in my entire life. That includes family. It's as if there is an invisible thread connecting us and I can feel its pull (anyone understand?) Some may think this is just a clingy attachment issue. It's not like I never dated before or had other relationships. She is my best friend. I am ready to lose all that if I have to, but I married for life and marriage to me is not something disposable. 

My parents have been married for 29 years. I look up to that, they have certainly had their share of problems but they realized when they were considering divorce when I was a kid that you have to learn to deal with the idiosyncrasies of some one eventually, if not your current spouse the next one, you just need the tools to do so. That's what I'm learning in "Divorce Busting" too. 

I am doing the "last resort/180" plan mentioned here often. It's certainly helping me a whole lot if nothing else. I went "dark" on Tuesday and have made no contact since. She called my mom again crying telling her that she didn't want to be with me anymore and it had to be done.

That was on Thursday she spoke with my mom, so I think its working. There was no reason for her to call and tell my mom that. My mom already knew and she definitely already told me, I think she was using my mom as a stand in so she could further resist calling me, am I right? What do you all think?


----------

