# Love him dearly, but I don’t orgasm with him



## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

So, I’ve been divorced for six years. Sex with my ex husband was great. He was very caring and giving outside of bed and very dominant and aggressive in bed. Judge me all you want, but I loved that when I wasn’t in the mood, he became more aggressive. It was our dynamic and it made me hot. It worked for us. Unfortunately, after a string of deaths in the family, his mother moving in, his daughter being diagnosed with severe mental illness, we grew apart and he fell in love with someone else. We were both to blame for our marriage ending.
Since, I’ve dated several men, but I’ve only orgasmed once with one man. I am now dating someone I truly love, but I don’t ever orgasm with him. I typically masterbate after he falls asleep after. I miss that dominant, aggressive sex so much. I’ve told him, but it’s just not in him. We talk about marriage and I see myself growing old with him. It weighs on me though. I wonder if this is something I’ll always miss. Will these feelings ever go away? Will pleasuring myself be enough?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Yes you will always miss it. No masterbating will never be enough. 
But the horrible fact is that we can’t get everything we want in a person. This is life. We all have to settle, and choosing what we settle on is up to us.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know what, don't settle for this. Either talk to him about what you want, or get out. I know it is hard, but you will regret it. 

My Fiance loves our sex life. I am kind of like your ex for her I guess. She actually complains that I make her O too much and she gets super tired. So I don't go that far with her all the time. I tailor what I do to what she needs at the time. I enjoy it all so i really don't care. 

The point is that she could never go back to the way that it was with other men. 

You either have to talk to your guy, and maybe train him a little, or find someone else. 

It is just kind of self defeating to allow yourself to be with someone that does not do it for you sexually. 

I think you will be miserable over the long term...


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## RomanticHusband (Jan 30, 2013)

Why not incorporate masturbating during having sex with your partner? It might be enjoyable for him too and he may learn more about what you like over time, to replicate orgasm for you even if it takes batteries to do so but by his hand.


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## J.C. (Apr 9, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Yes you will always miss it. No masterbating will never be enough.
> But the horrible fact is that we can’t get everything we want in a person. This is life. We all have to settle, and choosing what we settle on is up to us.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Don't settle for bad sex. Please don't! I just got out of a 6 years of bad sex marriage and I feel great!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

JennyPenny said:


> So, I’ve been divorced for six years. Sex with my ex husband was great. He was very caring and giving outside of bed and very dominant and aggressive in bed. Judge me all you want, but I loved that when I wasn’t in the mood, he became more aggressive. It was our dynamic and it made me hot. It worked for us. Unfortunately, after a string of deaths in the family, his mother moving in, his daughter being diagnosed with severe mental illness, we grew apart and he fell in love with someone else. We were both to blame for our marriage ending.
> Since, I’ve dated several men, but I’ve only orgasmed once with one man. I am now dating someone I truly love, but I don’t ever orgasm with him. I typically masterbate after he falls asleep after.* I miss that dominant, aggressive sex so much. I’ve told him, but it’s just not in him*. We talk about marriage and I see myself growing old with him. It weighs on me though. I wonder if this is something I’ll always miss. Will these feelings ever go away? Will pleasuring myself be enough?



Dumb questions. 

Does he not want the aggressive sex with you or is it that he doesn't know how to have aggressive sex with you?
Does he not understand that you enjoy the dominate aggressive sex?
Does he think being aggressive is demeaning to you so he won't do it?
Have you explained it to him in a way he understands?

Never settle for less satisfying sex. Life is way too short to be unhappy in this area.

Once you settle, that will be your norm.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can he get you to orgasm through oral or manual?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I think that one has to look at the big picture in any relationship.
The things that are the foundation of a relationship (values, etc) are something that are ingrained in a person as a result of upbringing and life experience.
Sex, IMO, is a compilation of emotion and skills.
I would rather have a honest, loving, genuine woman that is into me. While this woman may not be perfect in bed,she gives me her best and strives to develop intimacy at its highest level. I'd much rather have this than a self-centered sl*t that can rock the bed.
The genuine part of sex is emotion. The rest are just skills. Skills can be learned.
I'm sure that he has this side. Unleash your inner tigress .Drive him so freaking crazy that all he wants to do is get both of you off. Be vocal, lavish praise on him. Inject (in a non-threatening and sexy way) what he needs to do to make you orgasm. Do the same for him. Get your freak on. Dress up for him, be aggressive. Talk to him, find out what he wants. Do it for him. If he is truly a good guy, he will reciprocate. Let him know in a playful way what you need (he doesn't have a crystal ball.) Provide positive reinforcement when he does.
A fulfilling sex life is a process, not an event.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

JennyPenny said:


> I miss that dominant, aggressive sex so much. I’ve told him, but it’s just not in him. We talk about marriage and I see myself growing old with him.


Obviously, I cannot know his personality or temperament. But, I want to make you aware of a "cancer' that will eat away and erode any marriage you have. It's a "settle" in the sexual department.

He may not be aggressive because he feels the "settle". After marriage, when he is bound to you morally and legally, the effects of the "settle" will cause him great resentment for the "growing old with him". He will feel used and "paycheck-on-legs", and "plan B", and that you are "carrying a torch" for your ex. Which violates the marital vow you will have made to "forsake all others".

Break up with this guy, send him on his way. In the long term, it is the most merciful thing you can do. You will hurt him far more, and far worse, if he is a "settle" husband.

@Tdbo has given you very good advice if you want to try and see if he can become NOT a "settle". If he learns to make you orgasm, he will feel better about himself, and may be more willing to expose himself (by being aggressive)..... if he knows his aggression won't get him hurt.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

JennyPenny said:


> So, I’ve been divorced for six years. Sex with my ex husband was great. He was very caring and giving outside of bed and very dominant and aggressive in bed. Judge me all you want, but I loved that when I wasn’t in the mood, he became more aggressive. It was our dynamic and it made me hot. It worked for us. Unfortunately, after a string of deaths in the family, his mother moving in, his daughter being diagnosed with severe mental illness, we grew apart and he fell in love with someone else. We were both to blame for our marriage ending.
> Since, I’ve dated several men, but I’ve only orgasmed once with one man. I am now dating someone I truly love, but I don’t ever orgasm with him. I typically masterbate after he falls asleep after. I miss that dominant, aggressive sex so much. I’ve told him, but it’s just not in him. We talk about marriage and I see myself growing old with him. It weighs on me though. I wonder if this is something I’ll always miss. Will these feelings ever go away? Will pleasuring myself be enough?



I'm not going to judge someone I don't know. However, after rereading this, I'm going to advance a different view.
I'm not so sure that your current BF is the issue, your emotions are.
It is obvious in reading this you are still hung up over the ex. He is held to a standard that no one is ever going to reach.
However ex is gone. He has moved on.
So, here you are. You can't have what you want. You need to move on.
Like you said, you now have someone that you truly love. You are comparing him to what you had. That may be like comparing an apple to an orange.
Your BF deserves to have a clean sheet to start from. You are measuring him using the yardstick from your previous relationship. Never going to measure up. Quite unfair to him.
Like I said previously, any relationship needs a big picture examination.
Only you can ask yourself, if everything stays the same, could you see yourself with this person? What if the ex knocked on your door tomorrow and said he wanted you back? If the answers to these questions are no/yes (in that order,) do the right thing and let your BF go. He doesn't need to be caught up in your vortex.
I stand by my original answer and say that you could help BF step it up. However, in all fairness, you need to immunize yourself from the past and let go. It's gone.
Does BF feel safe in the relationship? Does he feel like the rebound guy? Does he feel like he will never measure up to the template of the ex? Perhaps there is a tiger in him that is afraid to come out because the tiger does not feel 100% safe.
BF can step it up, but you also need to step away from what you experienced with the ex. Your BF is not your ex, no one will ever be. If you truly love this guy, you can build a sex life that both sides mutually enjoy. However, it should start with a clean sheet.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If one dwells on it, the toughest competitor is one from the past that's out of sight and soon becomes the perfect person that got away. 

Both men and women can be at that stage, poisoning their current relationship. 

Accept your SO, or let him go, do the right thing.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

He will never be what you want sexually 100%. 

From my limited experience there are guys who are really eager to please, and there are others who are just happy with their status quo and kind of lazy. If he is eager to please, then in my opinion stay with him and the sex will get better. If he is not one is those guys, then leave him because typically with men like that the sex will only get worse and farther in between.


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## JennyPenny (Apr 7, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Yes you will always miss it. No masterbating will never be enough.
> But the horrible fact is that we can’t get everything we want in a person. This is life. We all have to settle, and choosing what we settle on is up to us.





Tdbo said:


> I'm not going to judge someone I don't know. However, after rereading this, I'm going to advance a different view.
> I'm not so sure that your current BF is the issue, your emotions are.
> It is obvious in reading this you are still hung up over the ex. He is held to a standard that no one is ever going to reach.
> However ex is gone. He has moved on.
> ...


Rebound? It’s been six years and it’s JUST the aggressive sex that’s missing. I love my bf and I’m happy my ex found his new wife. She is a great stepmom to my son. Im not sure where you are getting that I’m hung up on him. I just want aggressive, controlling sex! Sure, my ex started it, but I’m not waiting for him to come back.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Two people who are sexually incompatible will have a very hard time making it work unless they can agree to some sort of middle ground. Hopefully you can find that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

my mistake was that i thought over time they would be open minded to grow into enjoying and being good at sex....i was so so wrong.....sorry do not stay in a relationship thinking they will get better and improve...human behavior is hard to change it happens but don't go in it counting on it. Please trust me on that


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

JennyPenny said:


> Rebound? It’s been six years and it’s JUST the aggressive sex that’s missing. I love my bf and I’m happy my ex found his new wife. She is a great stepmom to my son. Im not sure where you are getting that I’m hung up on him. I just want aggressive, controlling sex! Sure, my ex started it, but I’m not waiting for him to come back.


The fact that you are comparing the sex that you had with your ex to all the sex you had since.
To hear you describe it, it sounds like the gold standard.
No one has measured up, including the BF you "Love."
Not trying to be critical or pick on you or anything, but that is how you came across.
If it came across that way to a total stranger on the internet, how would it come across to BF?
I could be wrong. Follow my initial post.
If it is a skill thing, rough shouldn't be hard to accomplish.
If that doesn't work, then the issue must be emotionally based.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> The fact that you are comparing the sex that you had with your ex to all the sex you had since.
> To hear you describe it, it sounds like the gold standard.
> No one has measured up, including the BF you "Love."
> Not trying to be critical or pick on you or anything, but that is how you came across.
> ...


Here is the thing... I am really not sure that this is fair. The thing is the people have different chemistry, different skill sets, likes dislikes. 

For me as a guy, I have different skill sets based on what the girl likes. 

Over all, if she can say what she likes, I will do my best to meet her there. 

But that still does not make up for chemistry. You can have two people the are individually really good in bed, that don't have chemistry and it really may not be good for either. 

Me and my fiancé have great chemistry, and great sex. She is not really that experienced, she has some, but not a lot. She is very good in bed because she is interested and enthusiastic among other things. 

Is our sex good because of the love we have for each other? Is our chemistry good because we are in love? Are we in love because the sex is good? 

I really don't know. But is know our chemistry is really great. 

OP had great sex with her ex. He had a style that she liked. Sounds like good chemistry. Could she teach current boyfriend? Maybe. Could having to teach be a turn off? Maybe. 

I really think she need to have the hard talk with BF. If it does not get better, then she should end it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Here is the thing... I am really not sure that this is fair. The thing is the people have different chemistry, different skill sets, likes dislikes.
> 
> For me as a guy, I have different skill sets based on what the girl likes.
> 
> ...


I guess I just have a different view.
If I love someone, I take the entire package.
When I met my wife almost 28 years ago, my attraction to her was based on HER, not my previous fiancee that I had extricated myself from. I have never compared any woman I have been with to any of their predecessors. They all stood on their own merits.
Maybe I have been lucky, but chemistry outside the bedroom has always transferred inside the bedroom. The key to that has been communication. I have always given my best efforts to please the person that I have been with and they have reciprocated. Does that mean it has been perfect? No. I'm sure that the women that I have been with would say the same thing. Is any sex perfect? I doubt it. However, that all factors in the entire package.
We are all a sum total of our experiences in our lives. No one has a crystal ball. Some of the best learning that I have had has been a blast because both myself and my partner have turned our freak on. I have shown women what I like and how to do it and vice versa. It has not been an issue because the presentation was in a non threatening manner and was in the context of getting off. If there truly is chemistry, respectfully showing ones likes should not be threatening.
My wife and I are polar opposites. Chemistry is what attracted us to each other and what has kept us together through the good times and the bad.
OP had really good sex with her ex, but her ex has moved on. My point is that the problem may not be the message, it may be the delivery of it. She either needs to be dedicated to building a sexual relationship with her BF (and there is give/take in any relationship) or be fair to him and move on.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Alpha widow syndrome.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> I guess I just have a different view.
> If I love someone, I take the entire package.
> When I met my wife almost 28 years ago, my attraction to her was based on HER, not my previous fiancee that I had extricated myself from. I have never compared any woman I have been with to any of their predecessors. They all stood on their own merits.
> Maybe I have been lucky, but chemistry outside the bedroom has always transferred inside the bedroom. The key to that has been communication. I have always given my best efforts to please the person that I have been with and they have reciprocated. Does that mean it has been perfect? No. I'm sure that the women that I have been with would say the same thing. Is any sex perfect? I doubt it. However, that all factors in the entire package.
> ...


In romantic relationships, esp ones that you want to go on long term, and esp 2nd marriages, if either of you values sex, there needs to be chemistry and frankly good sex. 

Some people do not value sex, god help them IMO. Some people don't really understand what good sex it, My Fiance did not. I am not the most handsome, I don't have the biggest equipment, but I have been around and I have more than a little experience. She did not really understand multiple O's and a lot of positions, she did not understand a lot of things, but she does now. 

Now before any of the above we had chemistry, and I kind of think love at first site, but maybe it was lust at first sight, I don't know. 

What I am saying is, if you cannot tell/teach your partner what you need/want and the sex is not really good by default (Chemistry/experience) then it will cause problems later in the relationship. 

In OP's case, she does understand what good sex is about and odds are the after a couple of years, at some point she is going to want to have her brains banged out, and if her BF can't/doesn't figure it out, it will become a problem.


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

JennyPenny said:


> "we grew apart"


I am seeing a "pattern" here. Folks "grow appart" because they fail to adequately COMMUNICATE their feelings, desires, complaints, hopes, needs, etc. to each other and pretty soon, they "grow apart" or stop having satisfying sex! You may want to google: "communication in a marriage" and learn how to effectively talk with your partner about what you want or hope can happen in the marriage. Your partner might surprise you with "stuff" he can offer to help you get what you want and then you won't need to leave in search of a better partner. Good luck, jim


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## 343359 (Apr 8, 2020)

As a person who is dealing with that right now if it's not in him please don't get married because years of sexually frustration of never being able to have that is not easy. I love him i thought it was enough and thought it would change but it's still the same. If you feel like you can live without passionate hot amazing sex then stay. Trying talking to him about seeing a therapist together about it. To many miserable nights. So many ☹😞😩 I don't wish it on my worst enemy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Don’t stay in a relationship that is lacking anything for you in the sex department. No matter how much you love someone, how well you get along, how compatible you seem… The lack of sexual satisfaction will eventually eat away at it. It sucks, but it’s reality. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If I was in his shoes and I some how found out what you are doing. You wouldn't even see me leaving.


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

JennyPenny said:


> I am now dating someone I truly love, but I don’t ever orgasm with him. I typically masterbate after he falls asleep after.


I want to tell you and others what happened for us and how we solved the problem. In my 2nd marriage, I somehow developed ED and, since we were so much in love and good with eachother, I shifted over to oral and finger techniques which seemed to work well for her and I also turned to masturbation on the side. I thought masturbation would see me through and I felt good being able to "get her off" with my oral/finger methods. We never discussed it and I never looked for help - too proud or chicken! I believed it was just a "phase" and would soon pass. Years went by and then she died of various illnesses but soon I was involved in a very intensely sexual relationship with another passionate and loving woman so, I decided to "man up" and go for help which I soon found at a VA ED clinic. I began using various pills & even penile injections with no success but was DETERMINED to become a real sex partner for my new beloved and not stay with my oral/finger techniques. I finally found the "pump", a convenient and simple device which pumps up the penis and holds it erect for a very LONG time. Because my fiance and I have a great sense of humor, using the pump became both easy and much fun for both of us. The pump provided me with a very solid and reliable erection for the first time in years! My fiance was pretty thrilled with it as well. My only regret is that I didn't have the guts to go look for and FIND some help when I first experienced ED (erectile dysfunction) so long ago with my 2nd wife because I definitely would have preferred normal sex to the altered sex techniques I learned to do with her. I wish we had discussed it and tried to find a solution together but we just didn't have the guts to look into it and we began settling for "work arounds". 



> I miss that dominant, aggressive sex so much. I’ve told him, but it’s just not in him. We talk about marriage and I see myself growing old with him. It weighs on me though. I wonder if this is something I’ll always miss. Will these feelings ever go away? Will pleasuring myself be enough?


Pleasuring myself was rarely enough and always came with some kind of guilt that I was either leaving my partner out or cheating on her with my "fantasies". I tried to "rev" myself up by watching Porn but, aside from leaning a lot of "techniques" by watching Lesbians, Porn didn't help me have or hold a functional erection. 
Talking about and looking for solutions is the best and perhaps only way to address sexual issues and this can and will bring both partners into the search for a solution if they can get past the shame, embarrassment and FEAR of talking openly about sex and anything else. If it "weighs on you" I'd suggest you get started talking with him about this as much as possible to find SOLUTIONS to the problem. My last partner (cancer took her away) was totally involved in all that I said & did once I went to the ED clinic to find some solutions. We tried all kinds of pills and injections until the VA gave me a pump!!!! THAT THING WORKED!!!


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