# He is not the man I married



## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Has anyone found themselves in this situation:
We got to a bad place in our marriage, I cheated, he got scared he would lose me and started giving me the attention and affection I wanted before. We have been going to therapy and I am starting to understand things about him that were the basis of most of our issues. I'm also learning that the man he presented me with when we were dating and throughout our marriage was not truly who he is. I'm trying to not resent him for presenting me with what he thought was a better version of himself but now I'm wondering if it is even possible for me to love him as this "new" person. 
Anyone been duped like this??
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Update: I just realized I can edit this question since so many seem to not understand what it is I'm asking. In short, I want my marriage to work and I want to be happy. I accept that my husband has learned a lot about who he is and difficulties he has such as anxiety and ADD are now in the open. i dont resent him for trying to hide aspects of his personality that i find unappealing such as caring too much about what other people think and worrying too much about outward appearances. I've heard people say," try to think back to when you first met, what was it you liked about him?" Well if I think back, he is not the same person that he has admitted to being now. I can accept that but I want to know how to fall in love with this new person. If anyone has gone through this situation, is there any advice you can give me?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'd submit that two people don't _really_ begin to learn about each other until they share a roof. It was certainly true for my wife and I.

I'd also submit that your husband may very well feel duped, too.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

You can submit it but I have only been myself throughout our relationship. I understand people grow and change as lives and priorities change but that's different than someone hiding their true selves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WEll you hid your true self- as a cheater.....

Sounds like youre possibly re-writing history to justify YOUR actions.

Im sure if he were here- he'd say HE was duped.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Ummm wut? You cheated on the guy, meaning you hid things from him, deceived him while having sex behind his back. How is that being your true self?

It seems like he rugswept the affair. And you, short of getting any consequences, are feeling the itch again.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

:iagree:



> I'm trying to not resent him for presenting me with what he thought was a better version of himself but now I'm wondering if it is even possible for me to love him as this "new" person


You resent him for showing you affection and attention? 

Geez.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

My true self is not a cheater. That part was what I became while being married to someone who was self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him. Had I seen divorce as an option, I would have gone that route but I cheated instead. I'm not sure why everyone is so consumed by the affair in my post. I can see how many can't relate and are being judge mental but my question was geared toward those who can relate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> My true self is not a cheater. That part was what I became while being married to someone who was self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him. Had I seen divorce as an option, I would have gone that route but I cheated instead.


So, your cheating was your husband's fault? Did he know about this aspect of your personality before you married?



Kermitty said:


> I'm not sure why everyone is so consumed by the affair in my post. I can see how many can't relate and are being judge mental but my question was geared toward those who can relate.


I'll bite. What did you think you were getting, and what did you get in fact?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

SOO you are looking for other cheaters who want to come here and bash their BS' bc THEY arent the people they professed to be before marriage????? So you are a cheater and its ALL your H's fault right??? Now where have we heard that before???

Yeah-good luck.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Men and woman do this in different ways, often without the intent to deceive.

You may get to know a man at work, where he seems together and manages things well, takes charge, etc, but his personal lift is not so.

A woman may show interest in a mans interest, he may think wow she loves sex, outdoors and sports, when really what she loved was doing it with him in the newness of the relationship.

Can you be more specific on how your husband is different than you thought and how long you have been married, and the circumstances leading up to your affair? Your ages?

Edit to add:
I see this in the new post above, any other info? "self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him"


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Sounds like he is amazing. He is still with you after your betrayal and working on things. What more could you want?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Kermitty, I get where you're coming from. You wanted the affection and attention to come before you cheated, not because you forced him to, but because he WANTED to give you those things? 

There's nothing wrong with telling your spouse what you need in your marriage. After all, what's the point of being married to someone you aren't in love with? The issue that you have now is that he may be giving you that attention/affection out of desperation and not because of fond feelings and a desire to please you. 

Do you guys spend time together? Have you tried recreating what you did when you dated that made you fall in love? It was there before; you can try to capture it again. If he wrote you sweet notes or you guys went out on cute dates, why not try that again?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I didn't say it was his fault I cheated. I said my cheating was a product of what was going on in our marriage. Nor did I ask for anyone to be bashed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you are RIGHT!He is not the man you married! How dare he!

Wait,

Wait for it!

Now, how many more "Bad Places" will come up in your life? Just asking?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Not Bashing, just asking with a smile on my face, calm voice. How many more times will you feel it is right to cheat on your husband? Again, not bashing, just asking


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> Has anyone found themselves in this situation:
> We got to a bad place in our marriage, I cheated, he got scared he would lose me and started giving me the attention and affection I wanted before. We have been going to therapy and I am starting to understand things about him that were the basis of most of our issues. I'm also learning that the man he presented me with when we were dating and throughout our marriage was not truly who he is. I'm trying to not resent him for presenting me with what he thought was a better version of himself but now I'm wondering if it is even possible for me to love him as this "new" person.
> Anyone been duped like this??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


very much so! My STBXW. I hope my sons dont grow up to resent her.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok. So I'll ask again- what was SO significant that you deemed it "cheatable"? What does he do/not do that was a bait and switch?? I myself have a list of things my H has done that I never dreamed he'd do yet here I am- still not a cheater. 

So what did he do that led to the circumstances of your cheating??? And what did you do PRIOR to cheating to try and resolve the issues?


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

I don't know why everyone is being so hard on Kermitty, after all her cheating was only "a product of what was going on in the marriage." She knows that because "her true self is not a cheater."

Let's all hope her husband steps up so she won't have to cheat again.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I understand the need to put your best foot forward when dating and hide some quirks. What I have realized about my husband is he is much more concerned with outward appearances than he let on, much more concerned with being liked and what people think of him, has an unhealthy amount of anxiety with OCD tendencies and ADD like symptoms, and he has low self confidence which has nothing to do with my affair. 
I understand he didn't hide himself on purpose and am trying to not feel resentful. I'm just not sure I can find romantic love for someone who I may have not even dated in the first place. 

We have been married for five years. Together for 8. We have one 3 year old son. 

Funny how as soon as someone says they cheated, everyone comes charging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> I understand the need to put your best foot forward when dating and hide some quirks. What I have realized about my husband is he is much more concerned with outward appearances than he let on, much more concerned with being liked and what people think of him, has an unhealthy amount of anxiety with OCD tendencies and ADD like symptoms, and he has low self confidence which has nothing to do with my affair.
> I understand he didn't hide himself on purpose and am trying to not feel resentful. I'm just not sure I can find romantic love for someone who I may have not even dated in the first place.
> 
> We have been married for five years. Together for 8. We have one 3 year old son.
> ...


Your response to him aside...

You are now aware of who his is. Why is this version of him unlovable? I'm certain there are some qualities about him you can live with, so build on those. In essence you both are at a starting over stage. He's willing to do that with you after infidelity, I think you owe it to him to also try. You're both back to the beginning.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I want to try but I'm not sure how. There was already a lot of hurt that I felt over the years that made me question my live for him. Does it just take time?
I'm not denying that he is a good person and a great father. I want to be romantically in love with him and right now I see him as a good friend. He is not unlovable, I'm just not sure if I can love him. So if anyone has any experiences where things have worked out, I would love to draw some inspiration from them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

The age old question: which came first, the vaguely-defined dissatisfaction with the spouse, or the cheating?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did you ever love your husband?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I would like to think so but how can I be sure. He was the only man I could picture marrying while dating. I thought I loved him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I would like to think so but how can I be sure. He was the only man I could picture marrying while dating. I thought I loved him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you loved him before, you can love him again. It won't be the same as when you were first dating but it can be better!

At this point it is a choice you make - a goal with steps to achieve your goal. Tell him what he needs to do to help you with your goal.

My husband is far from perfect. Sometimes I look at him & wonder why we are married. Then he comes home looking fine & ready to listen to all my boring work stories.

You see, I make a choice everyday to love & cherish my husband as he is, flaws & all. He does the same to me.

You have listed your husbands flaws. You have also said nice things about him. You don't hate or despise him.

There is hope for your marriage.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

First thing you MUST do though is find some humility and remorse. You dont sound sorry at all that you cheated on him. Rather you love him or you dont- no one deserves that.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Emerald, thank you for those hopeful words. I've looked into how to let go of resentment and am working in that but it is much harder to find what I need to do to feel love for my husband in this situation. Our therapist says it takes time but I'm scared it won't come back. 

I don't sound sorry because this post isn't about my cheating and the feelings associated with them. My husband has seen and felt my remorse and humility and that's all I need to say about that in this context.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Kermitty, do you feel like you love your husband, but you're not in love with him?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> What I have realized about my husband is he is much more concerned with outward appearances than he let on,
> 
> 
> *This is ironic, because he would have to be less concerned with appearance to have "let on" in which case there would have been nothing to have "let on” for. In essences this is blaming someone for being sick.
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Here's something wacky, I didn't realize my husband had bowed legs until we'd been married for two years. I had seen his leg, NUMEROUS times but they never struck me as anything other than hairy and strong. Did he misrepresent himself? Did he minimize the ways in which his bowed legs might be most noticeable? Did I fail to notice what was there?

When the newness wears off, you see all sorts of things you hadn't noticed before, but that doesn't mean they were hidden.

Try to blame the correct person. That would be yourself, for not noticing what has always been there.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Part of being in an affair/cheating is emotional detachment from the spouse.

This came BEFORE you 'discovered the truth about him in therapy'.

So your lack of love was already there...this information is an excuse to justify where you already are.

I am not castigating you about the cheating. I am outlining that *where you are emotionally is a result of that, not this 'big reveal'*

I had an emotional affair. I was totally detached from my b**ch of a wife. I was ready to walk away. I didn't need an excuse of 'she was hiding things from me.' I knew who she was and I didn't like it. (BTW, does your husband know everything about YOU? I doubt it)

But...we talked. A LOT. It was painful. We came to appreciate our good points and our flaws and 'that b*tch' is my wife and partner now. We have, at least on my side, more love than we've had in years.

Yeah, he isn't James Bond or whatever. You, my dear, are hardly Eva Green either. 

Want to know what kills a man's confidence? Having his wife cheat on him. So...whatever his prior flaws, you've made them worse...and now you are blaming him.

There CAN be hope...but I have to say I don't like how you are comig across either. It takes 2-5 YEARS to get over this. If you want to leave him, leave him.

I would suggest however, that you cruise the rather pained missives from a slew of women in Coping with Infidelity and Sex in Marriage who would look at you like you were absolutely crazy to get rid of 'a good guy and a great father' who can actually keep it in his pants.

If you don't want him, someone else will...quickly.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Cheating is wrong but it does happen. Your husband has forgiven you so that should be the end of it.

As for you saying he is not the man you married, well no none of us are the same now as we were in years gone by.
We age, we are altered by events, we make changes (intentionally or not) in the way we behave.
when we first meet a new person we all try and show ourselves at our best both physicaly (shoulders back, chest out stomach in) and emotionaly (mature, dependable). Once people are comfortable with in a relationship they may find it easier to let down their guard and show there flaws (I always found that hard) but some people will just play the role that is expected of them (we all play many roles, son, husband, father, co-worker, church member, neighbour etc).

If your husband can forgive your failings and has agreed to work on his then you could do alot worse than resipricate.

Best wishes to you both at this difficult time.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Kermitty said:


> Emerald, thank you for those hopeful words. I've looked into how to let go of resentment and am working in that but it is much harder to find what I need to do to feel love for my husband in this situation. Our therapist says it takes time but I'm scared it won't come back.
> 
> I don't sound sorry because this post isn't about my cheating and the feelings associated with them. My husband has seen and felt my remorse and humility and that's all I need to say about that in this context.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kermitty, does he love you? I think some of us are hung up on the cheating part because they seem to be related. You said that his behaviour caused you to cheat. Then you later stated that he presented a false side of who he is, and now you want to try to love this the real him but don't know if you can.

What is the real him? I don't think people can truly sympathize and offer advice about how they got through it if they don't really know what the "it" is?


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

Well, first I'll say it's good that you want to fix the problems. 

Second, I'll say that all people change in reaction to the situations around them. You can argue that you had an affair as a result of your husbands actions. He can argue that he changed as a result of your affair (or other things). Either way, both are fair statements but completely irrelevant. In any relationship, you will both be constantly changing. I've been with my husband for 10 years, and neither of us who we were 10 years ago. And that's ok. The question is whether or not we can love each other as we are TODAY.

Don't focus so much on the blame of who did what or what "went wrong". Instead, look at who each of you are today and try to figure out how the marriage works with the two people who exist currently. Don't make excuses for mistakes or blame each other - take accountability (you for cheating, him for changing substantially) and move on. 

So ask yourself.. Can I love this man as he is today? Can he love me? That's something the two of you should openly discuss.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Viseral, the answer is yes. 

Decorum, yes I see him as someone with a chronic condition. I know he can't change overnight and I am willing to be patient. The hurt he had caused me over the years though has led me to "fall out of love" with him. Now I'm not sure what to do to fall back in love with him. 

Anon pink, I noticed many of these things about him but he would deny, he would turn it around on me, he would blame me for his unhappiness when he wasn't being honest about what he was thinking and feeling so I had no way to really understand what he needed. We had our typical marriage issues and fights and had gone to therapy two years ago but there was no way that could have worked because he wasn't being honest with me or himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

JCD, I was emotionally detached from him way before I cheated and my affair was purely physical. I'm not trying to justify where I am, I am trying to know how to fall in love with this new person. I have no problems with letting him be with someone else who will love him and appreciate him. I am trying to make this work for my son and I don't want my husband to be separated from him either. 

Keep love growing, I am asking myself "if I can love this man today" and I'm trying to figure out the answer. That's why I'm here. To see how others have found the answer and made it work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Kermitty,

Your circumstances are not unusual. I would wager to say more than a few here woke up one day and thought "this is not the person I thought I was marrying". Some people try to adapt and grow with the person they committed to. Some people do not like the like the new person and compensate with an EA or a PA. Some just ignore it and rug sweep.

On the other hand some people actually stick with the original commitment or covenant they have made. They recognize love is a verb. Love should be the catalyst that makes one communicate more effectively, forgive more readily and sacrifice for the sake of the survival of the family.

I am not sure where your disconnect is. Your husband was an SOB , you cheated, it woke him up, he has recognized his part in it and is taking steps to make your marriage work. Why don't you just join him? He sounds like a rare guy. Most arrogant SOB's would of dumped the wife that betrayed them. 

It sounds to me like he truly loves you and is willing to do what it takes. Why isn't that enough for you? What have you done other than saying I am sorry please forgive me?

Start working on loving him. Just do it. Love him as a father and as a provider and build from there. Just think of him as the guy that stayed and honored his covenant. That would be a great place to begin.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Here is an example of what I'm talking about. Im turned off by people who focus too much on what they look like or what their spouse looks like. I know there is some of that otherwise there wouldn't be physical attraction but people's bodies naturally change and I don't intend on fighting the aging process. I believe in working out to stay healthy but not to meet some insane ideal society has. I'm naturally small and am lucky that way. When I would talk about having a baby, I would tell him my body won't look the same afterwards and he would immediately say, "why won't it. Well you can work out...." After having the baby he pushed me to try this strollersize thing saying it was for me to get out and be more social but now he has admitted it was to help me lose the weight faster. Our baby wasn't sleeping and I was having a tough time breast feeding and he kept pushing this class on me. It was hurtful then even though I didn't know the real reason behind it. I don't feel comfortable knowing he puts so much emphasis on my weight and the way I look. He is always looking at himself in the mirror and I would point it out to him and he would say, I was just checking my hair or whatever but now he has confessed he is overly concerned with the way he looks. 

This is just one thing on the list.....

Yes I know my cheating will not help his confidence but I had no idea it was so low in the first place. I have been trying to build up his confidence since the affair and he says I've been doing a great job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Rclawson, I do love him as a father and for sticking it out. But I don't know how to find romantic love for him. I don't think marriage can survive on just platonic love. 

This wasn't a case of waking up and realizing he had changed, this was going to see the therapist where he finally admitted to all these things that he had been avoiding or trying to hide. 

I'm not saying he isn't doing enough. I'm saying "how do I find the love?"

I doubt anyone can answer this question, instead of looking to blame me for where we are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> Rclawson, I do love him as a father and for sticking it out. But I don't know how to find romantic love for him. I don't think marriage can survive on just platonic love.
> 
> This wasn't a case of waking up and realizing he had changed, this was going to see the therapist where he finally admitted to all these things that he had been avoiding or trying to hide.
> 
> ...


Maybe there isn't a way. Loving is something you choose to do, and if he has too many qualities that you cannot love it just won't work. I happen to be one of those people that think LIKING your partner should be over and above loving them. Loving can come easy, especially if a child is involved. The LIKE doesn't. You either like or don't like a person.

Sounds to me like you don't like him very much. This is going to make things harder for you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> My true self is not a cheater. That part was what I became while being married to someone who was self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him. Had I seen divorce as an option, I would have gone that route but I cheated instead. I'm not sure why everyone is so consumed by the affair in my post. I can see how many can't relate and are being judge mental but my question was geared toward those who can relate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your denying the fact that you are a cheater when you cheated on your husband. This above in quotes are all excuses.

Nothing can justify an affair no matter what angle you look at it. It's 100% your choice, your fault.

It's the other way around, you were being self absorbed and you took your husband for granted.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Kermitty, not everyone here is is blindly looking to blame you. Some are, but others are really trying to help you by asking good questions so they can offer valuable feedback. It's a public forum, and with that you're always going to get a mix of intellects and apes... Just ignore the apes and try to find value in what's relevant to your situation. You know, just do some of your own selective filtering.

That being said, you ask how you can get back romantic love for your husband? Honestly, there are many many things to address in your relationship and there are many things you can do to get there. First, you need adopt an attitude of hope and optimism rather than harping on the past with pessimism. Because getting back to romantic love with him is not just his job, it's just as much yours and going to take lots of your own effort as well. It's the idea of fighting the good fight, now that you're able to identify many of the issues with clear eyes that you perceive to be a problem for you.

And also recognize there are many issues I am sure your husband has with you as well. This is not a 1-sided issue, this is a relationship breaking down due to lack of communication and lack of empathy, sacrifice, and devotion to each other... the type of relationship-strengthening effort that naturally forms a closer bond to each other organically.

In the most simple terms, there are relationship-building positives and there are relationship-killing negatives. The crux of your issue is that there are too many negatives in your relationship on both sides, but you need to recognize that negatives can be corrected with intentional effort made for positives. At first it may feel clinical and too planned and not natural, because that is precisely what it will be... a very conscious effort that is planned and nurtured by both of you putting in the effort. But what happens that over time, the positives build a bond which sets off a chain-reaction of building love for each other, and eventually it evolves into a natural organic and automatic pattern of treatment towards each other. One day, it will no longer feel like "work" to love each other, because you will have built that strong foundation together which results in a close bond.

There are many specifics that can be offered here on how to move forward with "positives" in your relationship, but none of these recommendations will matter if you don't first put yourself into the proper mindset that you will commit yourself to doing the hard work necessary for truly repairing the relationship.

So where do you stand, truly? Do you have it in you?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Bottled up, thank you for the insightful words and constructive criticism. I believe you are supporting my thought that it will take time. As long as we put the effort in, the love will come back. I guess I was looking for more stories of people who may have gone through a similar situation so perhaps I can have a ballpark idea of how much time it takes but that is probably different for everyone anyway. I should stop worrying it won't come back and just work on reconnecting as we have been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Kermitty,

People go through this everyday. You are responsible for blocking out the mundane of everyday life and working on making your relationship what you always hoped it would be. Maybe I missed it but are you two in MC? Have you had a frank discussion with your husband about what you have been feeling? 

By the way Kermitty it may take a lifetime. Some believe it is worth it. I believe your husband does. Meet him half way at least. Sounds like you are moving toward that if I am interpreting your post correctly.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kermitty, I've been married 28 years, most of it okay, lots of not good times and only a smattering of good times. I have not been attracted to my husband for YEARS! The kind of attraction where you automatically gravitate to their eyes when ever you're in the same room together, the kind where you have romantic images, not sexual but romantic, of the two of you dancing in candle light (you know really gushy mushy romance image) The kind that makes you feel something strong when they touch you, because it's them touching and not just because you want to be touched. The spark has been gone for a long time and I would LOVE to get it back. Have tried and tried, alone mind you, to add spice to give spark but he hasn't been able to step up and work with me. Until a few weeks ago, after I laid out my plan to leave.

We have good days and we have ho hum days. WWe are both BOTH trying to reconnect to make our relationship deeply connected and have passion for each other, or in his case just passion would be a good start.

I don't have that feeling back but I get glimpses of it and that's a start. Thats enough to keep giving this everything I have.

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice WITH your husband. Give everything there a solid read through followed by a discussion. Keeep in mind you are both trying to discover the path back to each other. It's not easy.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

If you want to stay I would suggest "No More Mr Nice Guy" book for him and MC for both of you.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Thank you Anon Pink for sharing your story. I hope you will find your feelings again. 

We are in MC and that is where all these truths came out. This only happened a week ago. 

We do date nights and spend a lot of time talking. 

I read a sample of "no more Mr. Nice guy" and it doesn't seen to fit him. 

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. I will stay positive and continue to work on things and with time I hope I will find love again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Buy him a copy of MMSL.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I agree with getting him "Married Man Sex Life Primer" as a gift and making him read, memorize and practice it zealously.

Also, making him read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a great idea. You may not recognize his behaviour as a Nice Guy, but only he can make that decision truly.

I also think a bit of independent counseling is required for both of you. You mentioned him having ADD and OCD, if I'm not mistaken? I have mild ADD and I can tell you it has built itself in years in my behavioural pattern and I got anxiety and depression before I started working on it and dealing with my issues. So that may be worth looking into. Mental problems are just as important as bodily diseases and much more insidious.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> JCD, I was emotionally detached from him way before I cheated and my affair was purely physical. I'm not trying to justify where I am, I am trying to know how to fall in love with this new person. I have no problems with letting him be with someone else who will love him and appreciate him. I am trying to make this work for my son and I don't want my husband to be separated from him either.
> 
> Keep love growing, I am asking myself "if I can love this man today" and I'm trying to figure out the answer. That's why I'm here. To see how others have found the answer and made it work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guarantee you if he packed his bags and walked out on you today ....you'd feel that love for him again real fast once you get a taste of being alone.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Not wanting to be alone doesn't seem like a good reason to be married to someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're pretty damned sure of yourself aren't ya?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

No but I'm pretty sure comments such as yours aren't really meant to be helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I dont really see where you're wanting any help.

Validation for treating your husband like pond scum maybe... but not help.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I don't see that you actually read the thread so why even comment. Perhaps you are in need of some help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Nevertheless I think Bandit is right. You committed adultery, you resent and blame your husband for your adultery and you don't love him.
How long before you resent and blame him for the same reasons and have another affair?

This isn't meant to be bashing, it is meant to be a cold hard look at reality.

Divorce him, let him find someone who loves and cares for him enough to not commit adultery.

You might find then that you do love him after all.

Don't play games with him, please!


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I don't blame or resent him for my adultery. He admits responsibility for the things he did that lead to my choosing to cheat on him. No resentment there. 
I have admitted in this post and to him that I don't live him romantically. We are working on things as adults do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

.......wow.

You could have always left before cheating.

Nothing he did really made you choose to cheat.

Glad ya'll are trying to work it out, but do you think the romantic love will return? I couldn't hang. My husband told me he has never loved me romantically and we're not separated because I need that kind of love.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: He is not the man I married*



Kermitty said:


> My true self is not a cheater. That part was what I became while being married to someone who was self absorbed, took me for granted and didn't see the need to change when I came to him. Had I seen divorce as an option, I would have gone that route but I cheated instead. I'm not sure why everyone is so consumed by the affair in my post. I can see how many can't relate and are being judge mental but my question was geared toward those who can relate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're not sure why everyone picked up on you doing the most hurtful thing a person can do to their spouse? You saw cheating as a more viable option than divorce? And he's the one who is self-absorbed? I take back my earlier post. Do him a favor. Divorce him and don't even think about marrying someone else until you grow up a lot.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I saw it as a more viable option and he was self absorbed. Two facts. Anyone who doesn't appreciate their spouse, who doesnt have open communication with their spouse, who put their needs ahead of their spouses needs, who doesn't make their spouses feel loved or desired, should not be surprised when their spouse cheats on them if they already aren't. Tens if thousands of people will agree with me as we know. Cheating may be the worst thing you can do to your spouse but if you could measure hurt, it may not be the most hurtful thing you could do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's what divorce is for. Or communication. But at this point, what do you want from him? He is who he is...you cheated...I don't know what you both want?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I don't blame or resent him for my adultery. He admits responsibility for the things he did that lead to my choosing to cheat on him. No resentment there.
> I have admitted in this post and to him that I don't live him romantically. We are working on things as adults do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Obviously I am not there living yours or your husbands life but I fail to see that he did things that lead to your committing adultery.

You seem to still be blaming him for your adultery.

He may have caused problems in your marriage but nothing he did lead you to commit adultery. You did that on your own.

I think this is why you are unable to reconnect with your husband, you are still blaming him even if you don't realise it.

Until you admit that you are broken and nothing he did lead or caused or whatever you to commit adultery then I think you are stuck!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: He is not the man I married*



Kermitty said:


> I saw it as a more viable option and he was self absorbed. Two facts. Anyone who doesn't appreciate their spouse, who doesnt have open communication with their spouse, who put their needs ahead of their spouses needs, who doesn't make their spouses feel loved or desired, should not be surprised when their spouse cheats on them if they already aren't. Tens if thousands of people will agree with me as we know. Cheating may be the worst thing you can do to your spouse but if you could measure hurt, it may not be the most hurtful thing you could do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Spoken like a true cheater. This is just...wow.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

HE was self absorbed? LOL


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Nothing he did led to you cheating. His behaviour may have contributed to you disconnecting from him, but that doesn't mean you had to cheat. 

You are showing no remorse for lying, cheating and deceiving. You are still refusing to accept responsibility for your behaviour. You clearly have little respect or liking for your husband. You think his concerns are shallow. You resent him for his behaviour after you had a baby. 

So no, I don't see any hope for you recovering romantic feelings for him.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I saw it as a more viable option and he was self absorbed. Two facts. Anyone who doesn't appreciate their spouse, who doesnt have open communication with their spouse, who put their needs ahead of their spouses needs, who doesn't make their spouses feel loved or desired, should not be surprised when their spouse cheats on them if they already aren't. Tens if thousands of people will agree with me as we know.* Cheating may be the worst thing you can do to your spouse but if you could measure hurt, it may not be the most hurtful thing you could do.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Non Sequitur?

To be honest I don't see a poster agreeing with you here.

I think to move forward you have to fix yourself before you fix your marriage.
You need to own up to yourself that what you did you did for yourself not because of any perceived problems in the marriage.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Kermitty:

Is it possible your H suffers from narcissism? Look at either of these tests (or Google: narcissism traits) and see if these fit your H (and be honest, we don't know you or him).

Narcissistic Personality Inventory - Psych Central

Narcissistic Personality Inventory: Narcissism Test

A lot of what you write rings true for me; I was married to a narcissist for 19yrs. It would explain some things to me. I did not cheat on my STBXH, but I did leave him when I could no longer cope with his dysfunction.

You write that you cannot accept who he is now, that he is showing his "true" self. Is it possible that your affair (which must have cut him deeply) changed his behavior, or how he saw himself (certainly understandable) and the subsequent therapy is making these changes visible to you?

Again, you cannot just 'dismiss' the affair as "having been dealt with" and "having been forgiven". It is INTEGRAL in your H's view of himself, you, this marriage, life in general. 

If you're having THIS MUCH difficulty loving him because you see him 'differently' although YOU can't put your finger on WHY you're seeing him differently, consider how much difficulty HE must be having loving you when he knows EXACTLY WHY he's seeing you differently (your affair).


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

There are a lot if people here who have been cheated on. 
I haven't but I do have to say that he may have done things to hurt the marriage but your assumption that being in a bad marriage equals cheating is wrong. I'm not going to bash you, but you seem very self centered and like you just can't accept the effect your affair has had. It changes everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Kermitty, my husband was a different man when we married than he was when I cheated on him. I never had a PA, only EA. He started suffering from depression almost 5 years ago. Then he was diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADD, agoraphobia, mild OCD. So, yes, I can absolutely identify with a husband with those traits surfacing later in the marriage. Yes, I can absolutely identify with cheating on him. I also know he is NOT the man I married almost 13 years ago. But here's the difference. I don't blame him in ANY way for my cheating. I fully acknowledge that I made the WRONG choices when I was dealing (or rather NOT dealing) with his illnesses. I screwed up. Me. Nothing HE did led to my screw up. 

Can the romantic love return to you? Absolutely. But first, you need to stop shifting ANY of the blame for your affair onto him. And don't try to give me the BS that you're not blameshifting,. You are. By saying "he acknowledges what he did that lead to the affair". No, HE did nothing to lead you to cheat. YOU did that all on YOUR own. Just as I did. Now, if you WANT to get that love back with him, you need to acknowledge this and figure out how to work on THAT together. That's the only way it will return.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Kermitty, my husband was a different man when we married than he was when I cheated on him. I never had a PA, only EA. He started suffering from depression almost 5 years ago. Then he was diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar disorder, ADD, agoraphobia, mild OCD. So, yes, I can absolutely identify with a husband with those traits surfacing later in the marriage. Yes, I can absolutely identify with cheating on him. I also know he is NOT the man I married almost 13 years ago. But here's the difference. I don't blame him in ANY way for my cheating. I fully acknowledge that I made the WRONG choices when I was dealing (or rather NOT dealing) with his illnesses. I screwed up. Me. Nothing HE did led to my screw up.
> 
> Can the romantic love return to you? Absolutely. But first, you need to stop shifting ANY of the blame for your affair onto him. And don't try to give me the BS that you're not blameshifting,. You are. By saying "he acknowledges what he did that lead to the affair". No, HE did nothing to lead you to cheat. YOU did that all on YOUR own. Just as I did. Now, if you WANT to get that love back with him, you need to acknowledge this and figure out how to work on THAT together. That's the only way it will return.


I may have not correctly written my thoughts out. I realize that the decision to cheat was mine. I could have chosen to leave him but I didn't. I take responsibility for that choice and always have. We both read After the Affair, and spent many evenings discussing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I may have not correctly written my thoughts out. I realize that the decision to cheat was mine. I could have chosen to leave him but I didn't. I take responsibility for that choice and always have. We both read After the Affair, and spent many evenings discussing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My point is that you stated "he acknowledges what he did that lead me to cheat"... he didn't do anything that LEAD you to cheat. And that's what has all the other posters upset over this. The way you worded your posts shows that at least some part of you DOES shift some of the blame on him for your cheating. And NONE of the blame is his. Once you fully get past THAT idea, you will be able to work on repairing the relationship and falling in love with the man he is now.... IF you so choose. But you have to make the conscious decision to do so. Until you do that, no, the feelings won't come back.

You can read all the books you want... whether together or separately. But until that mentality is broken down, the books do you no good.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> My point is that you stated "he acknowledges what he did that lead me to cheat"... he didn't do anything that LEAD you to cheat. And that's what has all the other posters upset over this. The way you worded your posts shows that at least some part of you DOES shift some of the blame on him for your cheating. And NONE of the blame is his. Once you fully get past THAT idea, you will be able to work on repairing the relationship and falling in love with the man he is now.... IF you so choose. But you have to make the conscious decision to do so. Until you do that, no, the feelings won't come back.
> 
> You can read all the books you want... whether together or separately. But until that mentality is broken down, the books do you no good.


He acknowledges the things he did that made me feel the way I did before I cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

He was uncivil. You are seeking a better liar.

Most, if not all men are visual creatures. That is what porn is about. That is why ad men put some girl in a bikini into beer ads.

Women age. Their bodies change. And most men accept that fact. They would _prefer_ their wives never change from the little hottie they married, but they get it.

You are cheating on your husband because you hate exericse? You are thinking of leaving your husband because he wants you to not give up on your youth so soon?

Now, I'm sure there are all kinds of other things which you haven't outlined. He sounds a bit immature and certainly not particularly diplomatic. But you stated he is a 'good guy and a great father'

So...have you thought about what happens after this marriage falls apart?

Two options

1) You will have to work your butt off to be a suitable entry into the beauty pagent that is single post divorce dating for a partner suitable to your tastes.

or

2) if you don't want to 'obsess' about your appearance, you will have to set your sights lower than you 'deserve' and accept a substandard partner. (nope...lower...that guy who you cheated with was't looking for a relationship, just free tail...nope...lower than that...you have a kid...uh uh...keep going...you're a known cheater...)


So...you resent exercising for your husband but you are putting yourself in a situation where you might have to do just that to find another mate...who might not be of the same caliber and certainly doesn't love your child to a tenth of the same degree.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

It's amusing to me how off the mark some if you are. I thank those if you who understand where I'm coming from and have given me things to consider and work on. The rest if you just seem to enjoy judging others you can't relate to. Obviously I'm not going to sound remorseful when people are coming at me with judgemental comments and assumptions. It seems some of you are more concerned with making a "cheater" feel bad then the question that was actually at hand. 
Again I thank those that actually understood the question and offered their opinion. For the rest of you, why are you so hostile? Sheesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

What is there to understand? You did not feel emotionally satisfied with your husband. After an undisclosed amount of attempts to change him, you cheated on him.

Now he is shaken up enough to be honest with you in counseling...and you still aren't emotionally connected to him. You put this on some lack within him. I'm sure he's lacking, but it would be helpful to have a bit of humility on what exactly you are bringing to the table. Your one disclosure is that he's shallow about looks. Yeah...that's men. 

You didn't say he constantly called you pudge pot or laughed at your weight. You said he STRONGLY ENCOURAGED you to exercise...but you didn't like his motives. Horrors!

So cheating aside...how exactly is he supposed to win here? You don't like where he was...but when he tries to change, you cut him down again because 'he's not what you married'.

Well, he IS what you married. And if he's wimpier than you thought...you know...after cheating on him...he didn't expect what you did to him either.

Welcome to his world.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Kermitty:
> 
> Is it possible your H suffers from narcissism? Look at either of these tests (or Google: narcissism traits) and see if these fit your H (and be honest, we don't know you or him).
> 
> ...


It doesn't seem he is a narcissist. He only had one relationship before me and that was short lived. Perhaps he had issues that he never had the chance to work on and tried to hide instead. I think the initial shock of hearing him admit to somethings was bad but I seem to be feeling more hopeful now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Thanks again to all those who had supportive words before. Now that some time has gone by and we went to a few more therapy sessions, I've calmed down about some of the original revelations. Things are improving all around and I'm glad I didn't give up.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> Thanks again to all those who had supportive words before. Now that some time has gone by and we went to a few more therapy sessions, I've calmed down about some of the original revelations. Things are improving all around and I'm glad I didn't give up.


Great! Glad to hear it -- kudos to you on the patience and persistance.

Warmly, - A12


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> Thanks again to all those who had supportive words before. Now that some time has gone by and we went to a few more therapy sessions, I've calmed down about some of the original revelations. Things are improving all around and I'm glad I didn't give up.


Glad to hear that things are progressing for you. As you have already learned, ADD, ADHD, etc are not life decisions or character flaws, but a medical condition that you husband has to live with every day. As frustrating as it is for you, it is even more frustrating for him. Your post is good for this forum as I wonder how many people have been in your situation with someone who was diagnosis and going through this dilemma. 

I have friends that suffer from ADD and while I love them to death as friends, I could not live with them. Again, you already know that this is not going to go away, but through medication and effort on both your parts, it can be controlled. One friend of mind worked for NASA for many years and has led a very productive life. He is a little different than most and has a very loving wife that helps to keep him focused. 

I have no magical suggestion or pill that you can take to make you love your husband. Naturally there is no one that can do that, but hopefully through continued counselling that you can alleviate the detractors that made living with him so difficult. Is he the man you saw when you were dating? No, but then all of us see the other person through rose colored glasses and it is not until after you live together that our true colors. Best wishes to you.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Thank you to you both. It is easier to understand why he does some of the things he does. I don't take it personally anymore. His effort to work on himself and our marriage has made me respect and love him more. It is still a work in progress, based on our argument last night. I guess you could say that is what marriage is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Everyone "lies" to a degree when they are courting. They are putting their best foot foward and partially they really don't know what it means to be a spouse... So the realtiy may cuase a person to act differerent.

But, the answer to your question is that eveyone in this world has to focus on the present and the future to be happy in their marriage. If you are overly focused on the past or things you cannot change, you will not be happy. You have to evaluate is your future and the future of the children you may have created better with vs without your marriage? And for the sake of what you want in your life, you should create a great present and future without allowing things you cannot change or relive to ruin it.


I mean to say that you don't have to accept the past... IT could be so bad that you can't stay married. But if you are not willing to set aside your marraige for whatever reason, it's a mistake to focus on the past.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Hicks, I understand what you are saying. It's also much nicer than the assumptions you made about me in an earlier post. 
It's not always easy to evaluate wether your future is better wether you stay or leave, hence why there are so many people on this site as well as other sites living in sexless marriages. 
The past will always affect our future but I do not focus on it. I've accepted he is who he is, now that I know who he is. I'm trying to learn how to make the best marriage we can now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Once you decide your marriage is worth not throwing out, you have to go "all in"... And what this means is you have to meet his emotinal needs to the best of your abiity. This motiviates him to be a better husband. Once he is motivated, you have to communcate what your emotional needs are and facilitate him meeting yours.

There are 2 thought processes you can adopt. 

One is, my husband is a jerk, lied to me, and I hope he can fix himself. I hope we can get over all of this. Then I will have a happy marriage. 

Two is, I cannot control my husband. I can only aim to be the best wife possible. If I am a great wife, perhaps this will motivate him to be a great husband. I will choose not to look at the negatives about him or my life. I will choose not to fixate on the past which I have no control over.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Hicks, what is your background in terms of relationships?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Kermitty, I'll add my 2 cents : marriage counseling, spending time alone with your hubby and time with him and your son. Try to (re)kindle the romance by doing something together, things that you both like, going out to romantic places just the two of you, etc. Sounds like your hubby is willing, so try your best. If despite all efforts you cannot reach to love him, then it's better to divorce. Nobody deserves to be trapped in a loveless marriage. He can find someone to appreciate him, and you may be free to find romance with someone else.

I do agree with you that this is not about the cheating. You state that you detached emotionally from him before, and have trouble reconnecting even afterards. While I can't help but figure he must be a very good man to forgive you, the issue remains : can you fall back in love ? I noticed nobody can answer this question, and the few who tried, told you pretty much the same thing I did. You probably could have left the cheating out of the post- it totally hijacked. To me too, it looks like as soon as they read " cheated ", the crowd goes ballistic...lol. ( No, I'm not pro cheating - love my hubby dearly). But I'm able to realize people do make mistakes. ALL of us do. Every saint has a past, and any sinner has a future. 

Now, a small joke to unfrown the foreheads : " A wife spends years trying to get her husband to change. When he does, she complains he's not the man she married ". 
I genuinely wish you and your husband the best.


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## lorez9993 (Feb 20, 2013)

I wish I had some worthy advice, but I just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers. 



Hortensia said:


> Kermitty, I'll add my 2 cents : marriage counseling, spending time alone with your hubby and time with him and your son. Try to (re)kindle the romance by doing something together, things that you both like, going out to romantic places just the two of you, etc. Sounds like your hubby is willing, so try your best. If despite all efforts you cannot reach to love him, then it's better to divorce. Nobody deserves to be trapped in a loveless marriage. He can find someone to appreciate him, and you may be free to find romance with someone else.
> I do agree with you that this is not about the cheating. You state that you detached emotionally from him before, and have trouble reconnecting even afterards. While I can't help but figure he must be a very good man to forgive you, the issue remains : can you fall back in love ? I noticed nobody can answer this question, and the few who tried, told you pretty much the same thing I did. You probably could have left the cheating out of the post- it totally hijacked. To me too, it looks like as soon as they read " cheated ", the crowd goes ballistic...lol. ( No, I'm not pro cheating - love my hubby dearly). But I'm able to realize people do mistakes. ALL of us do. Every saint has a past, and any sinner has a future.
> Now, a small joke to unfrown the foreheads : " A wife spends years trying to get her husband to change. When he does, she complains he's not the man she married ".
> I genuinely wish you and your husband the best.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I didn't say it was his fault I cheated. I said my cheating was a product of what was going on in our marriage. Nor did I ask for anyone to be bashed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TRANSLATION:

"I didn't say it was his fault, I said it wasn't my fault that I couldn't control my behavior due to his behavior."

:rofl:


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I want to try but I'm not sure how. There was already a lot of hurt that I felt over the years that made me question my live for him. Does it just take time?
> I'm not denying that he is a good person and a great father. I want to be romantically in love with him and right now I see him as a good friend. He is not unlovable, I'm just not sure if I can love him. So if anyone has any experiences where things have worked out, I would love to draw some inspiration from them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TRANSLATION:

"ILYBINILWY"

(Where have we heard that before?)


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> I would like to think so but how can I be sure. He was the only man I could picture marrying while dating. I thought I loved him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TRANSLATION:

Rewriting history...

(Where have we seen that before?)


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> Emerald, thank you for those hopeful words. I've looked into how to let go of resentment and am working in that but it is much harder to find what I need to do to feel love for my husband in this situation. Our therapist says it takes time but I'm scared it won't come back.
> 
> I don't sound sorry because this post isn't about my cheating and the feelings associated with them. My husband has seen and felt my remorse and humility and that's all I need to say about that in this context.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, it never does have anything to do with OM, does it...

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

(and SOME people still insist this stuff doesn't follow a script!)


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Now don't get me wrong... I don't want to point fingers.. (even though I have to in order to offer you help for your situation) , but until you fess up and own your behavior and rid your relationship of every vestige of "third party pollution"... I can promise you things will only go from bad to worse with your husband.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Kermitty, I'll add my 2 cents : marriage counseling, spending time alone with your hubby and time with him and your son. Try to (re)kindle the romance by doing something together, things that you both like, going out to romantic places just the two of you, etc. Sounds like your hubby is willing, so try your best. If despite all efforts you cannot reach to love him, then it's better to divorce. Nobody deserves to be trapped in a loveless marriage. He can find someone to appreciate him, and you may be free to find romance with someone else.
> 
> I do agree with you that this is not about the cheating. You state that you detached emotionally from him before, and have trouble reconnecting even afterards. While I can't help but figure he must be a very good man to forgive you, the issue remains : can you fall back in love ? I noticed nobody can answer this question, and the few who tried, told you pretty much the same thing I did. You probably could have left the cheating out of the post- it totally hijacked. To me too, it looks like as soon as they read " cheated ", the crowd goes ballistic...lol. ( No, I'm not pro cheating - love my hubby dearly). But I'm able to realize people do make mistakes. ALL of us do. Every saint has a past, and any sinner has a future.
> 
> ...


That's a cute joke. Your two cents is right. We are doing all those things and if I can't love him the way he deserves then I will leave him so he can find someone who will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

lorez9993 said:


> I wish I had some worthy advice, but I just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers.
> Thank you for that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Sigma Uber Alles said:


> Now don't get me wrong... I don't want to point fingers.. (even though I have to in order to offer you help for your situation) , but until you fess up and own your behavior and rid your relationship of every vestige of "third party pollution"... I can promise you things will only go from bad to worse with your husband.


You are the rudest poster I have come across. Your advice is not only wrong and completely off base but you delivered in a manner which makes it impossible to even want to listen to even if you knew what you were talking about. 

Is this how you teach your kids to talk to people? If you don't have kids, please don't have any. We have enough ignorant, self righteous, bullies in the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To love your husband, the answer is you perform loving acts.
That is the definition of love.

If you have children, let me ask you... do you FEEL IN LOVE with your children? But, do you LOVE them? A mother's love is the actions she does toward her children. Changing diapers. We don't get the warm fuzzies cleaning up poop... But we do it becuase to love a person is to care for them and meet their needs.

You will only get the feelings of love for your husband if HE PEFORMS LOVING ACTS toward you. If he meets your emotional needs, you will feel loved. 

A person who is not meeting their spouse's emotional needs really has no business expecting their spouse to meet their emotional needs.

My main advice is be the wife that makes him want to peform loving acts toward you. How do you do this? You make him feel loved by you first. That's the start of it all.

My background: I spent 10 years waiting for my wife to change. It did not work. I decided to try to meet her needs for a 6 month period... Once I saw it working, I then advocated for what it was that I needed... Now we are in a very good place.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Hicks, thanks for all your responses. 
You are correct in your advice as we have done the things you are advising and it is how we have been able to get past my cheating and be so committed to making things work. I'm not asking how to love my husband. I know he loves me and I love him. That is not my issue although it once was and we have worked through it. 

My initial post was based on the immediate reaction I had after a therapy session where for the first time ever he admitted to behaviors he had that he had always denied and would turn around to make me into the bad guy. It was overwhelming at first but I now understand he didn't do it on purpose and he didn't have enough self awareness to realize what was going on. I'm past it and we are in a good place. 

I appreciate your help but I'm not sure why you keep addressing an issue that I do not have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> You are the rudest poster I have come across.
> 
> (What you term being "rude", I term being truthful. Maybe if you had applied more of it with your husband, you wouldn't be where you are now?)
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Kermitty...a few pages back, someone suggested that you and your H both go to the Marriage Builders website and register and tell your story. Did you do that?

If not, would you be willing to at least go to MB and read some of the stories in the Surviving an Affair section?

The reason you are getting a lot of "rude" replies, is that people who have had an affair typically say the same types of things. There is a pattern to an affair, and the words the cheater uses to describe "how this happened" typically follow a type of script. 

The cheater does this without knowing it is a script. Typically cheaters do not know much about how or why infidelity happens. They think their situation is "different" than others and that they are unique. However, when you read through many, many stories by people who cheat, you find they end up saying the same things. Thus, the script.

You likely don't realize it either, but you are reading from the same script. It is many times very insulting to a cheater to hear this, but it is true that they end up reading from the same script. If you spend a little time understanding more about how affairs happen, and try to disregard why you *think* it happened, you will be surprised to see and read your own story played out over and over in the same, exact pattern.

Because there is a pattern, there is also a pattern to how to heal from an affair. The first step though, is to really totally understand how it happened. NOT from your own memory, but by studying the subject.

MB is a treasure trove of information for you, if you want it.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Faithful wife, I have been to the marriage builders site and my husband and I did the exercises. I really don't see the need to tell my story there especially after the experiences I have had on here. I don't feel I need to explain things to strangers who don't know my husband or myself. My husband and I have worked through the issue between ourselves and our therapist. 

I realize that there is a script. There are things that people in similar situations say. This happens in all the posts wether it is coming from a WS or a BS or someone in a loveless marriage. That's where the similarities usually end. Every person is different and has different circumstances that bring forth similar situations. I've read many stories of affairs on this site and others and while there were similar underlying themes, it is still a unique situation because no two people are the same and neither is their situation. 

I appreciate you speaking in a respectful and honest manner without being rude or condescending. I still don't understand why people are continuing to comment on my cheating when my husband and I have come to terms with it and are dealing with it in a healthy and helpful manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you mind if I ask what you meant by "I have been to the marriage builders site and my husband and I did the exercises"? I ask because just "doing the exercises" is not really the same as having a full understanding of the program or of how affairs occur.

The reason people keep commenting on the cheating part is that you are still speaking fogbabble. I know that sounds condescending, and I am sorry for that. Fogbabble is just a word and I wish there was a more humanized way to say the same thing. But regardless, you do still sound foggy. That is just a reflection from me on how you sound. It is not meant to be a jab or an insult. Again, it is simply something that all waywards do for a time until they truly understand how infidelity occurs.

When a wayward truly becomes a former wayward and really understands all there is to know about affairs, they say things much differently and there is no more fogbabble. Therefore, it is easy for readers to know whether a cheater is really recovered or not.

I do believe you and your H have a high chance of really making it through this and being in love again.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

We have read books together on how and why affairs happen and we are seeing a therapist. We understand each others love languages. We are doing the work necessary and it has all helped a great deal. From what i remember the marriage builders site was full of good information but we ended up using other resources as there are plenty. 

I'm not sure what fog babble is. If readers are not sure whether I "have recovered or not" it is because I am not here to talk about my cheating or prove wether I have seen the error of my ways or not. 

Our marriage is better than it has been in years. We still have some problems and we are working on resolving those. Whatever other people's opinions of me are, and wether they think im in fogbabble or what have you, the only opinion that matters is my husband's. 

Thanks for your positive outlook and things are already 100 times better than they were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kermitty said:


> We have read books together on how and why affairs happen and we are seeing a therapist. We understand each others love languages. We are doing the work necessary and it has all helped a great deal. From what i remember the marriage builders site was full of good information but we ended up using other resources as there are plenty.
> 
> I'm not sure what fog babble is. If readers are not sure whether I "have recovered or not" it is because I am not here to talk about my cheating or prove wether I have seen the error of my ways or not.
> 
> ...


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## Gruff (Feb 27, 2012)

JCD said:


> Women age. Their bodies change. And most men accept that fact. They would _prefer_ their wives never change from the little hottie they married, but they get it.


How very noble of you guys to put up with all of this. 




JCD said:


> So...you resent exercising for your husband


I believe the op said they exercise without resentment as they believe its important to stay fit and healthy.
They resent the fact that he lied about the reason for wanting her to take themed exercise classes soon after birth, manipulating her into thinking it was because he cared for her and the baby, when really he couldn't care less and just wanted her to lose weight as fast as possible so he had a better 'view'.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Gruff, that is exactly what I was trying to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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