# Finding a GOOD counselor



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

As I have since I started visiting this site a decade+ ago, I am STILL trying to figure out how to find a counselor/therapist who can actually help me figure out how to improve my life.

I live in the deep south/bible belt, and I am an atheist. I will not see a "christian" counselor. Counselors who are NOT christian counselors are a rarity, here.

I have seen 2 different female counselors. The first wanted me to "work" on communication with my husband, not fully understanding just how that would introduce more conflict into the relationship, or how friggin' impossible it would actually be. The second just let me spew all the crap in my head (50+ years of crap) and didn't seem to mind that it just had me talking in circles and not going anywhere. 

I want to find a therapist who will make me work on me. Someone who isn't phony. Someone who can guide me to help me grow and progress. I've checked my insurance company's listings, psychologytoday.com, every listing service I can think of.

Those of you who got real help from therapists - how did you find a good one? And what made the "good," in your opinion?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Between myself, my wife, my marriage, and my kids, I've dealt with more therapists than I can count. For the most part, it's trial and error, but there are some steps you can take to help narrow down some better choices.

When I've looked at therapists the first thing I look at is the areas they specialize in. If they have a list of 20 areas/topics, I'll pass. No one specializes in everything and I don't want someone who can do a little bit of everything. I want someone who only or primarily focuses in the areas that I need help with. If they don't list the few things I want them to, I'll pass because they won't have enough understanding of my situation. After that, I looked at their methods. At this point I know which methods work for me and which do not, but when you are first starting out you don't know. Ideally, you'd want a therapist who will try different methods to find what works for you, not say "well, I only do CBT so that's what we'll do". I believe my therapist tried five different techniques before we found what worked for me. Then I look at how long they have been practicing. I don't want someone who is fresh out of school, doesn't have years of experience and is just looking for a guinea pig. When you find a therapist you are interested in, they should want to have a short phone conversation. This is to make sure you are both a good fit for each other. A good therapist knows that they cannot help everyone and will recommend someone else if needed because they genuinely want you to get proper help, not just make a buck. This is your time to ask questions too, to see if they are a good fit. I ask about methods, if they stay up to date on methods/research, and some "rules". For example, will they see me and my wife separately (more than a few one-off's), if they say yes then I'm out because that's not ethical. If I don't "click" with them on the phone, then I'll pass. 

I've been seeing the same therapist for over a year now, and before settling on him I saw two others that didn't last very long. I didn't click with them, though I can't recall why, and switched. I've seen an additional therapist for about 5-6 months because they specialize in different things. They collaborate with each other when needed. Same thing for my wife, she's probably gone through a dozen therapists. Several just didn't work for her because their styles didn't line up with what she responds to, or they were totally off their rockers. For MC, we saw one for about 9 months, then switched to a new one. It was a mutual decision between the 3 of us that it was time to move on to someone new. Prior to that, we saw a couple that didn't last long at all.

You need to have a good relationship with the therapist for therapy to work well. You should be able to talk to them and you should feel like they are a good listener (but not a mindreader!). If something isn't working for you (for example, if you want them to listen more while you vent, or if you want more feedback and not letting you vent so much) you have to tell them. They cannot read your mind. Therapists also should not give you the answers, they are supposed to lead you to them, however long that takes. You should feel heard and understood. They should be helping you figure out what YOU want, not pushing their opinions or agenda on you. The therapist shouldn't interrupt you and they shouldn't talk more than you do. If there is cheating in the marriage, for the love of god the therapist shouldn't blame the BS for it. If the therapist isn't understanding, is pushing their opinions/agenda, or just doesn't feel right after a few sessions, then it's time to move on to someone new.

A lot of therapists are quacks, and you really do have to sort through the weeds with some screening, then trial and error. Therapy definitely isn't a one size fits all situation, so what works for one person won't necessarily work for you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

k.m said:


> As I have since I started visiting this site a decade+ ago, I am STILL trying to figure out how to find a counselor/therapist who can actually help me figure out how to improve my life.
> 
> I live in the deep south/bible belt, and I am an atheist. I will not see a "christian" counselor. Counselors who are NOT christian counselors are a rarity, here.
> 
> ...


PsychologyToday.com is the best listing of therapists in your area. Everybody has to pay to be there, so it is current. You can read about therapists areas of expertise, their philosophy, get links to their website.
Many therapists allow for 15 minutes free phone consultation, which migh be helpful to find someone that you connect with. Now, in quarantinne time, many of them are doing virtual video appointment.

if you are by any chance in Florida, I can give you the name of the great counselor. Everybody loves her, and her clients are impoving greatly.


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