# Husband's Anxiety is draining me - thinking Divorce



## Livvy05 (Apr 1, 2019)

I'm new here, still getting used to this...apologize if I'm not following the rules correctly. This is only my second post. I've been married almost 2 years (been together a total of 17 years). I'm 32, he's 33. My husband was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and depression since pretty much the start of our relationship. I thought he got better just before we married, but now he's regressed. He hasn't worked for 6 years, living at home with his parents (won't get an Apt with me, he wants a house - delay tactic) and not taking care of himself mentally and physically. Due to his anxiety, he has not found a job in order for us to live together. His parents fully support him. 

After dealing with this for so long, I am thinking of divorce. I'm a person that loves to have fun, try new things, and travel. He almost got off the plane on our honeymoon to Santa Fe which was like a 4 hour plane ride. I will never be able to travel and do the things I love if I stay with him. 

I've tried to be there for him, but being with him makes me feel like not myself anymore. I know it's selfish, but I've given so much to him and given up so much for him over the years. 

A lot is talked about with those who suffer from MI, but I feel the SO gets ignored.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe your husband is too sick to be married. Maybe you should just be friends that sound like what you are now anyway.


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## newmarriageguy (Dec 16, 2016)

Its best based on what you tell us that your husband stays with his parents and let them support him with his depression and anxiety. Like the other member said maybe he wasn’t ready to be married. It’s very sad, he should get all the support he needs. Is he seeing a doctor? Is he taking medications on time?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Livvy ..... your only 32 ....... you didn't mention kids

So it's time for you to Livvy a little bit and dump the loser. 

I will say this ... you knew it from the start. Learn to pick a better man next time.

His issue doesn't have to drag down the rest of your life. 

Don't bother with the "he can be fixed" part. That is 99.9999% dead end.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I find it interesting that people seem to be very critical of someone that leaves their spouse they suffer a debilitating physical setback like cancer, a serious injury, or Parkinson's, but people are very accepting when someone wants to leave their spouse after they develop a psychological issue. I'm not saying that you'd be wrong to leave, I just find it curious that people see the two so differently.

Personally, I would probably leave if I was you. As someone above said, you don't seem to be married in much of a real sense and he seems incapable of getting there. Maintain more of a friendship relationship sounds like a better plan. Perhaps I'd answer differently if he was committed to trying to "fix" his mental issues.

My primary dating advice to my children has always been to avoid crazy people.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

FalCod said:


> I find it interesting that people seem to be very critical of someone that leaves their spouse they suffer a debilitating physical setback like cancer, a serious injury, or Parkinson's, but people are very accepting when someone wants to leave their spouse after they develop a psychological issue. I'm not saying that you'd be wrong to leave, I just find it curious that people see the two so differently.
> 
> Personally, I would probably leave if I was you. As someone above said, you don't seem to be married in much of a real sense and he seems incapable of getting there. Maintain more of a friendship relationship sounds like a better plan. Perhaps I'd answer differently if he was committed to trying to "fix" his mental issues.
> 
> My primary dating advice to my children has always been to avoid crazy people.



I think the difference is a person who is working to get better and will actually TREAT the illness and those who refuse any treatment and just expect their mate to do everything.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He either cannot or will not ever be a real partner to you. I dont think it would be selfish for you to end this. Who wants to have a husband who lives separately with their parents?? The whole marriage dynamic is off for you. You are so young and you deserve to find a life that can fulfill you.


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## Livvy05 (Apr 1, 2019)

@newmarriageguy I honestly don't think he was ready to marry. With his anxiety, he is a procrastinator in everything he does and I'm a doer. I "proposed to him" since we'd been together for 16 years at that time. Then it actually took him up until 4 months before our wedding to actually get on one knee and officially propose to me. The wedding was pretty much planned by me by then. Smh. 

He is not helping himself, he finally went off his meds almost 2 years ago after feeling better. He stopped therapy so as of now, he's not doing anything to help with his anxiety. Church, but he needs more than church.


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## Livvy05 (Apr 1, 2019)

@Mr.Married you are correct, no kids thankfully. I did know what I was getting into. However, I had hope that he would keep his promises. 

One person in another forum hit the nail on the head. He faked it for over a year, but as soon as we got married he reverted back to his true self and he will never change. His anxiety will be with him forever.


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## Livvy05 (Apr 1, 2019)

@personofinterest yes, I totally agree with you. I've supported him long enough. But if he chooses not to take care of himself, I'm done. I don't even want to have a kid with him because I will be doing it all alone. I want a partner in life and right now he is not that.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Livvy05 said:


> @personofinterest yes, I totally agree with you. I've supported him long enough. But if he chooses not to take care of himself, I'm done. I don't even want to have a kid with him because I will be doing it all alone. I want a partner in life and right now he is not that.


It sounds like you proposed to a 30 yr old man who hadn't worked in 4 years. Did he have some propects at the time? The job market wasn't exactly down at that time. If his mental illness was that bad that he hadn't worked in years......


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

His parents are enabling him by fully supporting him and not requiring he do anything. By anything, I mean anything. I'll bet he does nothing to contribute to the family, but sits around playing games or watching TV all day. He doesn't have to get treatment or even take medication. He just plays the anxiety and depression card and he can do whatever he wants. No responsibility and no work. Frankly, I'd wonder if his problem wasn't laziness.

As far as the marriage relationship, he doesn't contribute anything to that either. I have to wonder what he's like in bed. Does he doe anything for you or is all for himself?

And before I get flamed, I know something about anxiety and depression and I don't think all people who suffer from them are lazy. But this situation has my suspicion up.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvy05 said:


> @Mr.Married you are correct, no kids thankfully. I did know what I was getting into. However, I had hope that he would keep his promises.
> 
> One person in another forum hit the nail on the head. He faked it for over a year, but as soon as we got married he reverted back to his true self and he will never change. His anxiety will be with him forever.


He faked it for over a year? 

Then I fear his illnesses may not be all they appear to be.

He might be like one of those fake beggars like this fellow:-


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

So sorry to hear this... But the good thing is you don't have kids together!! I would run!! I shouldn't say this BUT it will never get better. I married my spouse 20 years ago and thought as he ages 'things' would get better.. But his anxiety is much worse-- it could even be ADHD. He is in denial and refuses any kind of help.. Kids are almost to college age then I might run too.. For now, I enjoy friends, family and travel as much as I can (with friends). Not the life I envisioned but have to 'make do' for now.

And yes.. it's very draining!! I'm exhausted most of the time.


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## Brennyss (Nov 19, 2020)

I'm sorry, maybe I'm writing late! Interesting now what relationship do you have with your husband?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you have been together for 17 years you MUST have know what he was like. Why did you ask him to marry you when he was a) not prepared to live with you and b) not able/prepared to work and c) not prepared to do anything to help his condition. It seems to be that you have no marriage. You may be able to get an annullment.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This poster was last seen Apr 25, 2019...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

FalCod said:


> I find it interesting that people seem to be very critical of someone that leaves their spouse they suffer a debilitating physical setback like cancer, a serious injury, or Parkinson's, but people are very accepting when someone wants to leave their spouse after they develop a psychological issue. I'm not saying that you'd be wrong to leave, I just find it curious that people see the two so differently.
> 
> Personally, I would probably leave if I was you. As someone above said, you don't seem to be married in much of a real sense and he seems incapable of getting there. Maintain more of a friendship relationship sounds like a better plan. Perhaps I'd answer differently if he was committed to trying to "fix" his mental issues.
> 
> My primary dating advice to my children has always been to avoid crazy people.


I think it demonstrates how much more important the mind is when relating compared to the body. 

Personally, what worries me most in my relationship since I now have secondary brain cancer is that my mind will go before my body and my husband will have to deal with it.


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## Brennyss (Nov 19, 2020)

I'm sorry, maybe I'm writing late! Interesting now what relationship do you have with your husband?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Livvy05 said:


> He is not helping himself, he finally went off his meds almost 2 years ago after feeling better. He stopped therapy so as of now, he's not doing anything to help with his anxiety. Church, but he needs more than church.


THIS is the biggest problem -- he'd probably be WAY ahead of where he is now if he didn't stop his meds. Many times when they feel better, they stop because "they are cured" or "they are good now and don't need them" - VERY destructive.
I have a cousin who did this, and her husband of over 40 years finally divorced her because she actually became dangerous to him, and is VERY delusional, but thinks she is ok so won't take the meds. To HER, the meds were just a way for her husband to control her and she never needed them. Yeah, she does.

DANG, -- yeah old post...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie kitten has determined this thread must be closed.


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