# Jealousy



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

My husband and I finally sat down last night and had the talk I have been trying to figure out how to start.

Among many things discussed, my husband appears to be jealous of me....of my knowledge when it comes to computers, of the interests that I have and things I'm good at....even of the fact that last year I rode my motorcycle to work and he couldn't because he was hurt. After he threw a fit put his computer in the closet, he got on mine to check his email and was jealous/mad because of all the stuff I have my computer and that he couldn't find anything.

I'm a computer programmer. It's what I do. I have built my own computers in the past from an empty case up, and have had to reformat and rebuild the OS several times on my old computers. 

He's insecure about the fact that my favorites in my browser is a long list and organized into different places and I go to them often. I don't get it....this is who I am and it's what I do...and I don't spend much time on my computer at home even though I would like to spend more time then I do on it.

He wants to know how to use all the stuff I have on my comptuer, but a lot of it is for my photography, there's web design and programming stuff on it, taxes, etc. I guess I'm just baffled. He knew all of this about me when we were first dating and he's got a problem with it now (or still)???

He's also got it in his mind that the time I spend with my mom, I'm not really spending with my mom...that I'm having sex with someone else. I don't want to have it with him, therefore I'm getting it from some place else....GOOD LORD!!! The thought has NEVER even crossed my mind!

He is very resentful of the time I spend with my mom and any time spent doing anything other then being glued to him - which is why I quit my photogrpahy club. He's under the misunderstanding that on the days I go to see my mom, I'm out of the office by 5:00 on the dot or before, and the days I come home, I work late. There are days that I don't get over to my mom's until 7:00 and try to leave as close to 8 as I can so he and I can have some time together on those days...but I also make sure mom and I have dinner, her hands get washed and her teeth get brushed....so there are times when I do leave later then 8.

This weekend he spent the whole weekend pissed off at me because I rented a van to take mom out. The last time she was out was over 4 months ago. I feel like I'm doing the best I can to be fair to everyone (except me, I always put me last) and it still isn't good enough.....and he thinks that I'm interested in "whatever the latest fad is" when it comes to my interests online. "First it was photography, now it's the motorcycle thing"....okay I was into photography years before he and I met. I have been published and had my work featured in an art Gallery in Colorado....but yes, I did quit the photography club because it was causing problems. And the motorcycle thing....I thought it was something we were both interested in, seeing as how we both have bikes now and are interested in participating in some rides.....so yeah, I guess I switched...but it was still wrong.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hmmmm you spent the whole thread talking about you and Not him??

What does he do? How has he changed? How long have you been together? how old are you (ball aprk it if you want)

Sounds to me you are "self absorbed", and he feels he is just along for the ride.

My wife is a very smart woman like yourself, has a great paying job, she spends majority of her time at work or with our children, usually a sleep by 9PM....I get the "left overs" a few minutes here and there....LOL Sometimes it can get lonely, especially when my house is a mess, I am bit of a neat freak, she is a slob. 

But what are his interests?? He may be going through the "seven year itch" where he is lonely, not sure what he wants out of life....that all of a sudden...he is like.....Hmmmm I am bored. Remember us men are geared towards excitement and being that "crazy boy" Sometimes it is hard to accept that you are not that wild kid anymore, I've learn to take this in stride. I coach two soccer teams that allows me to get my energy out and have fun with our kids.

Anyway, tell us about him....then maybe we can help a little better


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Hmmmm you spent the whole thread talking about you and Not him??


The thread was about the things he told me or what we talked about in our talk, not meant to be all about me...or I guess I was hoping for some insight on what I was doing wrong. It hurt a lot for him to accuse me of having an affair. 



> What does he do? How has he changed? How long have you been together? how old are you (ball aprk it if you want)


He's a lead driver for an office supply delivery unit. When the manager is out, he runs the place and is on the list for moving up when the opportunity arises.

We've been together for about 5 years. I am 35 and he is 42.



> Sounds to me you are "self absorbed", and he feels he is just along for the ride.


hmmm...that's funny. I rarely think of myself at all in the grand scheme of things, though I am starting to put some importance on my health and future.



> But what are his interests?? He may be going through the "seven year itch" where he is lonely, not sure what he wants out of life....that all of a sudden...he is like.....Hmmmm I am bored. Remember us men are geared towards excitement and being that "crazy boy" Sometimes it is hard to accept that you are not that wild kid anymore, I've learn to take this in stride. I coach two soccer teams that allows me to get my energy out and have fun with our kids.
> 
> Anyway, tell us about him....then maybe we can help a little better


Hi interests revolve around porn. It's all he does. It's all he's interested in even though he's said that he likes models (we got several that he thought would be fun to, and he doesn't work on them), he likes working with leather, but he has never unpacked his leather working tools. We have a dormer that I was hoping to be our art room - his leather work, me learning to sew...for the most part, it's still in boxes. He doesn't like it if I'm in another part of the house, so I rarely go up there.

He has a gameboy advance, which he hasn't touched in at least a year, a play station and I got him some fishing games with the reel and golf game with an actual little golf clube you swing - two things he also enjoys doing. He went fishing a couple of times last summer, but didn't play golf because he was hurt. I got a set of golf clubs so I could learn the game and thought it would be something we could do togehter.

He like motorcycles, so we each got one so we could do that together as well. We are waiting for nice wether again. Nothing seems to be as important in what he likes to do then porn. He would rather look at that then any of his other interests. 

I think he's very smart, but he belittles himself because he can't write a program or some of the things I do at work. He doesn't understand it and I tell him that doesn't make him stupid.


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

therelationshipguy said:


> Jealousy is almost always about the person being jealous, not about what you do. A jealous person behaves that way because he or she does not feel secure in some way. The only effective way for people to get over jealousy is to build up their own security. It takes effort but, if the person looks at the things inside him or her that cause jealousy, then they can work through them. You are not responsible for someone feeling jealous, they are. The good news is they will feel great if they work on what causes the jealousy in them. Then you won't have to worry about what you do because they will feel secure enough to trust.


Thanks for your thoughts. I really hate it when he gets down on himself, and he does it a lot. He's been cheated on before and I know that he's got issues with trust because of it.


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

Hi, I really need some input on this...thoughts, expereinces...am I really self absorbed? An ex of mine told me that I was a self obsessed money hungry *****, but I figured that was because I wouldn't support him while he lounged all day.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Demora, Again...All you said was he likes porn (seen your other threads) And how he has all this other stuff and ahs not completed it or stopped using it.

But you can not be in another part of the house without him???

Sorry honey but to an outsider you still sound self absorbed to me.

I understand you have a major issue with the porn, understandably so.

Here are some idea's.

One is set up the Dormer room yourself and start doing your Sewing yoursself, see if he joins you, if he wants you near, tell him that is where you will be he can join you if he wants.

How is your sex lives? fine? Did you ever thing about making your own private video? My wife and I made our own private video....I have to tell you, the video was so hot, I watch it over and over, I like it better then any other video we have in our collection. Did you ever watch any porn with him on the DVD? Maybe you should order some to your liking, One night, Pop it in the bedroom video player, wear something sexy to bed, and watch it with him....see what happens.

For me Porn is no big deal but I do watch it on video and the internet. Mostly because it's there...no other reason. Especially on stuff I know my wife would never ever do. Why because I would love to try it someday, but hey I know it won't happen in reality.

Try some new things. But honey you definately are "me, me, me" in your posts and when I ask you to describe your husbands besides hard facts, it was negative.


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Demora, Again...All you said was he likes porn (seen your other threads) And how he has all this other stuff and ahs not completed it or stopped using it.
> 
> But you can not be in another part of the house without him???


That's turned around, he gets upset if I'm doing something in another part of the house. He wants me in the same room where ever he is. He gets upset if I'm not.

I guess I don't see the negativity in the post. I wrote about him...

There's very little that I won't do for him in the bedroom. He ties me up, gags me, blindfolds me, spanks me...pretty much anything he wants to do. I role play whatever he wants so he's satisfied. 

I encourage him in his interests - models, leather, games, whatever.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I guess he is going through what we call mid life crisis.

I call it my male period...LOL sometimes I am just "blah" want nothing to do with my wife, feel sorry for myself, want to run away to some private islansd and be a bartender the rest of my life in the tropics.

Then it's gone and I am back to myself in a day or two. 

Maybe next time you should try being the dominant one....


----------



## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Demora, I feel for you. Reading between the lines here, I'm guessing that your husband is jealous of the time you are spending with your mother. Has her health deteriorated of late so that you are spending more time with her than you used to? Of course, your husband can't come straight out & say so as he'd look terrible being jealous of an old lady so he picks on other interests that you have instead. 

Just a thought ...


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

Thanks for the thought Greem-Moo. And yes, she has had some health problems lately that have needed my attention. I really try to keep to a schedule with visiting so everyone knows what to expect.

I guess it's possible GAsoccerman. I really do love my husband very much, I'm just so frustrated right now. We've been through a lot together.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Moo makes some good points.

Did you ever think of making your own little personal porn for him?? I made one of me and my wife....I watch it all the time when I am home alone.


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

He has made some. He has recorded me when I was all tied up (that's what he looks at when he's online). He's not really interested in watching the "deed", but the ropes really do it for him. He's got TONS of pictures of me too...and he still prefers to look at the online ones.


----------



## chris78 (Apr 19, 2008)

Demora, I'm a little appalled, to say the least, at the man who has been telling you that you are self-absorbed. You do not seem that way to me and I urge you to disregard his accusations. Of course this may be why men are from Mars and women are from Venus....we just don't see it that way. When you answered him you seemed like you wanted to be submissive and non confrontational so you agreed and begged for more info. You don't need to. You are not self-absorbed. You seem to be an independent woman who wants, not needs, to have someone to share interests and life with. I also have a husband who fits the description you describe. It is abuse, plain and simple. I can't go anywhere without being accused of something that I never had any intention of doing. You do not need to feel that you are wrong because you expect respect in your marriage....it's common sense too. If you have a problem at all, it is your ability to let him do things to you that you are bored with...sick of...including in the bedroom, at work, and with your hobbies. Don't let him make you give up who you are. I hope this helps some. Good Luck to you.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Chris sorry that you are appalled by me, but such is life.

I said what I did to have Demoura think outside the box, we have a habit of our side is right only.

I may be blunt but I am truthful. No hidden agenda and trying to show both sides of the coin.

What have I gotten out of Demoura? She is a Strong confident women who is trying her best to keep her marriage in tact while taking care of her mother. She is fearful her husband is addicted to porn and has a S&M fetish, even though she has made some S&M videos with her husband, he chooses to watch other Porn with S&M. She is highly Educated and very passionate and tries to please her husband. 

I used self absorbed before, because mose of us our with our own issues, I can safely say I am Self absorbed when it comes to my own needs, so is my wife, just how people are programmed, But I used that to have her try and spit out more info on her husband.

She is strong and she can take it. I mean she has a Harley and is a computer programmer, she will play S&M for her hubby, but is the submissive one.

I think he needs for you to be the Dominant one, especially with his little hissy fits. My wife is very submissive, we did a little Role playing with S&M and had her be the Dominant one, I ahve to say it was very thrilling for both of us for her to take control and just take what she wanted from me. Where as normally I am the one who initiates sexual desires. It was nice to ahve the shoe ont he other foot.

I can not say if your husband has depression, he just might, as we cross our mid life we have a hard time accepting our wild youth is over, I am still fighting it off.  I refuse to accept I am old at 38. 

Has your hubby seen a Dr for Depression? I have thought about it a few times myself with some of my mood swings through life.

I know I can go out and say my wife is a slob, she is to passive, on the PC way to much playing computer games, she never cleans up, watches to much TV, But I also know marriage is a compromise and that we ahve to take the good with the bad. She is a wonderful mother, She is great in Bed, She is very loyal and very trustworthy, when she does cook, she cooks well, She has a great job with a great income, She does not nag me, She will have a drink with me and play cards and have fun with friends. 

Bottom line you have to take the bad with the good, the question lies, where do you draw the line and what is a "deal breaker" for you?

A female co-worker just had a bad day, apparently she is a Achoholic, none of us knew, but she came in one day to work, 8Am, left early, she was Drunk as a skunk, got in 2 car accidents, fought a Police officer, was arrested for Aggrivated assualt, DUI, Open container, and leaving the scene of a accident.... She is a georgous woman that we all liked, married, 3 kids......If I were her husband....That would be a deal breaker for me, it would be over.

The question is what can you live with and what can you not? Also compare your marriage to others, is it really that bad? I know I have it pretty good, I'll take a sexy slob over a sexy drunk any day.


----------



## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

I guess that's sort of what I'm searching for or discovering is where that deal breaker line is. I like to get different points of view so I feel like I have thought things through. Maybe it's the analyst in me, I dont' know. 

My husband would never allow me to be the dominant one, though my submission is not as strong as it once was. 

I've been noodling over what's been said here, and I appreciate the input.


----------

