# H refused to give me money for icecream



## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

I am 27 married for 2 years been together for 5, we both have a daughter (2). I am currently a SAHM, fortunately for me my husband makes decent money so I have been able to raise our daughter. Even though I went to school and earned a 4-year degree my plans for law school were put on hold when I became pregnant, than 1 year later I decided not to pursue law since we wouldn't be able to afford it. 

I currently do not have a job except of course cooking, cleaning and raising our daughter. My husband handles all our finances pays for everything. Recently he started doing all the food shopping, so I don't even do my own grocery shopping anymore. I feel like I do not have the right to say anything about it because I am currently not making any money therefore it isn't mine.

Today my sister and I wanted some ice cream , so I came in the room and asked him, he said "No, I don't have any money". So I asked him again and said "please babe I am really craving some." He became upset and pulled out his wallet and threw me his CC and said "fine, whatever". 

It was really humiliating and hurtful every time I ask him for something I feel worthless. I then declined his money, he felt guilty minutes later and said that he has checked his account and he actually had a couple of bucks to spare. LOL I simply said forget it. 

I went back to school a couple months ago and only need a few credits to get into the nursing program which is 50x cheeper than law school. I can't wait to get a job become independent and never ever have to ask this man for anything.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Are finances as good as you think? Maybe he isn't being honest. He might be strapped for cash.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been a homemaker for 10 years and money has been TIGHT. If we got ice cream it was on sale bought as part of the grocery money. Do you know what the budget is?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Really? That's cool for him to make her ask for money for anything? If budget is that tight, she should be made aware. My husband loves to grocery shop. Unfortunately, I do the cooking. It doesn't work unless he's following your list. How the heck does someone menu plan when someone else is doing the shopping unless the one cooking makes the list? It's not his money. She contributes by taking care of home and caring for their child. If budget it that tight, they need to plan as a team.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> Really? That's cool for him to make her ask for money for anything? If budget is that tight, she should be made aware. My husband loves to grocery shop. Unfortunately, I do the cooking. It doesn't work unless he's following your list. How the heck does someone menu plan when someone else is doing the shopping unless the one cooking makes the list? It's not his money. She contributes by taking care of home and caring for their child. If budget it that tight, they need to plan as a team.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you Golf! Yes he makes me ask for EVERYTHING. I am used to it by now. I can't do much right now my hand are tied. It's a pain in the ass when I can't even do my own grocery shopping. I have to ask him to go to the store when we run out of milk, eggs, orange juice whatever sometimes I forget to ask and we don't have anything for breakfast. 

It's painful


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You need to sit down together and go through the family budget. Unless things are extremely tight (in which case you should know about it), you should have a reasonable amount of cash at your disposal for small purchases, without having to ask him for it.

When I was a SAHM, I can't remember ever having to ask my (then) H for money, as we had a joint account.

It sounds like your H is reducing your status to that of a child, OP, rather than his equal partner...


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I've been a homemaker for 10 years and money has been TIGHT. If we got ice cream it was on sale bought as part of the grocery money. Do you know what the budget is?


I completely understand if things are tight. I do not ask for much only essentials. I haven't bought a single piece of clothing in over 6 months been wearing the same pair of jeans for I don't know how long. I do NOT know the budget. Don't know anything about "our" finances.


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Are finances as good as you think? Maybe he isn't being honest. He might be strapped for cash.


maybe Richie I guess I will never know.


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> You need to sit down together and go through the family budget. Unless things are extremely tight (in which case you should know about it), you should have a reasonable amount of cash at your disposal for small purchases, without having to ask him for it.
> 
> When I was a SAHM, I can't remember ever having to ask my (then) H for money, as we had a joint account.
> 
> It sounds like your H is reducing your status to that of a child, OP, rather than his equal partner...


Thank you Cosmos 


I am in a bad marriage, the more time passes by the more I realize that. I have never had small amounts of disposable cash. I don't think he will ever share a joint account. No I am not his equal.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Married27 said:


> Thank you Cosmos
> 
> 
> I am in a bad marriage, the more time passes by the more I realize that. I have never had small amounts of disposable cash. I don't think he will ever share a joint account. No I am not his equal.


On the face of it, OP, his behaviour sounds very controlling... Withholding money is a classic emotional abuse tactic, and you might want to check out this link for any other red flags:- Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married27 said:


> I completely understand if things are tight. I do not ask for much only essentials. I haven't bought a single piece of clothing in over 6 months been wearing the same pair of jeans for I don't know how long. I do NOT know the budget. Don't know anything about "our" finances.


I'm so sorry. I answered you before I knew your whole story.

This isn't okay and yes its neglectful and possibly abusive.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

@Married27-

My wife was a SAHM for 8 years. During that time my money was our money. Because she was a SAHM, I was able to work. I am self-employed and I had to work many many hours to build my business. If during that time, my wife had to work, I don't believe I would have the success that I have today. It's a team effort.

Now it's her turn. We are about over now. I know you responded to my thread. I feel it is so important for you and all women...most women to have a career. Many times I would tell my wife to get her hair done. She never wanted to spend the money on herself because she felt it wasn't hers no matter how often I told her it was her money too.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

This is wrong. My wife has always been a SAHM and I always gave her my paycheck... She did all the shopping and paid the bills etc.

I'd be tempted to tell him.. "if I'm gonna cook, I'm gonna do the shopping... now, if YOU want to cook... I"d also ask for compensation for keeping house, raising the child, etc. etc. etc. Other wise... Let him pay someone else to do it... I"m a little angry right now. He's not treating you like a mate...He's not treating you with the respect a spouse deserves...

If nothing else, get that degree, get your own income and get out...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He doesn't give you money, and he doesn't give you sex. 

He doesn't VALUE you, or your place in his life, or the marriage, etc... 

Figure out what you need to do. Because you KNOW you can make things better. Do that....your daughter is watching. You can't let her grow up thinking that this is how women should be treated.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You have a husband that is starting to become a control freak. I don't know many men that like to shopping unless it's for power tools but food shopping? No way. If he's going to be that controlling, what do you think he'll do when you say when you want to get a job? I agree with Hambone. If he wants to do the grocery shopping, then let him cook the damn thing. I do the food shopping but I'm a single man and love to cook but bet you a shiny red apple that if you put him behind a stove, he would go into stupid mode.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As others have said, this is a form of emotional abuse. By law all income he and you make belongs to BOTH of you. 

Look for a place that offers counseling for abuse. There are places that provide it free if you cannot pay. You need some support to get through this. You don't seem to know the law and your rights. You need to find those out.

You also ought to have a talk with him and tell him that either he share all community financial information with you and give you access to money so you can shop and do what SAHMs do, or you are filing for divorce and he can pay you interim spousal support until the divorce if final and child support for the next 16-18 years. It's his choice.


You have power in this relationship but you seem to be handing it all over to him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you tried telling him you are going with him to go shopping?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All I can say is get a job. And it seems you've got the right plan:



Married27 said:


> I went back to school a couple months ago and only need a few credits to get into the nursing program which is 50x cheeper than law school. I can't wait to get a job become independent and never ever have to ask this man for anything.


You never EVER know what life is going to throw at you and it is best to be prepared/financially independent.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I lived like that once. 

NEVER. AGAIN.

I don't even merge bank accounts with my husband.

My advice, get some sort of income. 

I mean, now he's grocery shopping? Holy crap. He really doesn't want you to touch the money.

But that isn't the point. Unless he gives you a spending account in your name, and/or can discuss the money and what it's spent on, really try to get some income.

And you have EVERY RIGHT to know how and where the money is being spent. That is your husband. Don't think that you are less than he is just because you don't bring in money. Your job isn't paid but it's valuable.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ALL women should be able to support themselves. There is no way in heck I'd be a homemaker unless I knew I had the means to support myself beforehand. I'm not okay putting my financial future in someone else's hands because you just never know what may happen.

And now that I'm getting older I'm pushing my husband to fund a retirement plan for me and he's cool with that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> ALL women should be able to support themselves.


Boom! :iagree:



Mavash. said:


> I'm not okay putting my financial future in someone else's hands because you just never know what may happen.


Exactly! It's scary to think about relying on someone else because the future is so unsure.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

To echo some of the above sentiments, you should have a household budget. This includes some amount of money for each of you to spend as you please. Depending upon your financial situation, it might only be a few bucks but it is important that you dont take on a parent/child relationship. You're an adult and your contribution to the marriage as a homemaker/SAHM is worthwhile. Don't ever think that it's not. My wife operates on a cash budget that we both agreed upon. It includes money for discretionary spending. Anything extra she manages to save by economizing is hers to do with as she pleases also. If she runs short, she talks to me about it and we figure it out. I too have a budget for the week and don't spend outside of it without discussing it with her first. she is a SAHM.

You both have to be reasonable about how much is available for discretionary spending, but is must be there. I fear that you may find that your husband spends what he wants, when he wants while begrudging you every penny you ask for. I suppose it's also possible that you have proven to be irresponsible with money and he feels he has to limit the damage you can do. Only you know that.

Press your husband to sit down and go through the finances in detail If he refuses this, you have bigger problems than you might think..


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> ALL women should be able to support themselves. There is no way in heck I'd be a homemaker unless I knew I had the means to support myself beforehand. I'm not okay putting my financial future in someone else's hands because you just never know what may happen.
> 
> And now that I'm getting older I'm pushing my husband to fund a retirement plan for me and he's cool with that.


:iagree:

In the OP's shoes, if her H refuses to treat her like an equal, I would get myself a job in the evenings to bring in some cash in order to fund my further education. I would wait tables or help out in an old people's home - anything to gain some basic independence. If he isn't happy with it, he can simply rethink how he's controlling the family finances!


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> As others have said, this is a form of emotional abuse. By law all income he and you make belongs to BOTH of you.
> 
> Look for a place that offers counseling for abuse. There are places that provide it free if you cannot pay. You need some support to get through this. You don't seem to know the law and your rights. You need to find those out.
> 
> ...



Thanks you so much Elle.


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> ALL women should be able to support themselves. There is no way in heck I'd be a homemaker unless I knew I had the means to support myself beforehand. I'm not okay putting my financial future in someone else's hands because you just never know what may happen.
> 
> And now that I'm getting older I'm pushing my husband to fund a retirement plan for me and he's cool with that.


Yes Mash absolutely agree 100%. I wouldn't wish this situation on ANYONE!. That's my goal for now to become financially independent and never have to ask anyone for anything every again.

Thank you


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Even though I went to school and earned a 4-year degree my plans for law school were put on hold when I became pregnant, than 1 year later I decided not to pursue law since we wouldn't be able to afford it.


OP, I'd certainly be looking at this from every angle, too, before giving up on it all together... Where there's a will there's often a way - it can just take time to find it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have family around who can help you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It seems kind of weird that you would just switch from law to nursing just because of the cost/time. Do you have a particular desire to be either one?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

turnera said:


> It seems kind of weird that you would just switch from law to nursing just because of the cost/time. Do you have a particular desire to be either one?


There must be a connection because I have a family member that wanted to do both but her deal was she wanted to be a perpetual student and didn't really want to work. 

She finally decided on medicine because daddy wouldn't pay for law school after she got out of medical school.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married27,

What is your BA/BS in?


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Married27,
> 
> What is your BA/BS in?



Went to UCF Majored in Legal Studies/Minor Criminal Justice.

I love science , and got A's in all of my science courses. Law school is way too expensive. I will apply for the nursing program as soon as I finish all the pre-reqs. Since I have my general education completed I will graduate in 2 years. The program at my local community college is literally 50x cheaper then any law program anywhere. As soon as I do I am hitting this ******* with divorce papers. I am DONE


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I am so sorry. 

I'm also a SAHM and forever will be at home. If I make any money, it's from my hobbies at home and not steady income to say the least. I do not know our budget, but I have full access to the checkbook and CC. My husband has never gotten angry at me spending money and he even does all the shopping.

Your husband doesn't sound like a very nice man. Him treating you like this is pretty controlling. Ice cream is nothing really.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you any good at crafts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married27 said:


> Went to UCF Majored in Legal Studies/Minor Criminal Justice.
> 
> I love science , and got A's in all of my science courses. Law school is way too expensive. I will apply for the nursing program as soon as I finish all the pre-reqs. Since I have my general education completed I will graduate in 2 years. The program at my local community college is literally 50x cheaper then any law program anywhere. As soon as I do I am hitting this ******* with divorce papers. I am DONE


Who is paying for your tuition right now? Is your husband?

You say that you are a SAHM but you are in school as well? How many hours a week are you in school and who takes care of your child when you are in school?


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Who is paying for your tuition right now? Is your husband?
> 
> You say that you are a SAHM but you are in school as well? How many hours a week are you in school and who takes care of your child when you are in school?



Yes I am currently in school taking only 1 class per semester, I am paying for my tuition through loans. I take them online so I do my coursework when he gets home from work. I only spend a few hours away from my daughter a day.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Married27 said:


> Went to UCF Majored in Legal Studies/Minor Criminal Justice.
> 
> I love science , and got A's in all of my science courses. Law school is way too expensive. I will apply for the nursing program as soon as I finish all the pre-reqs. Since I have my general education completed I will graduate in 2 years. The program at my local community college is literally 50x cheaper then any law program anywhere. As soon as I do I am hitting this ******* with divorce papers. I am DONE


1.) Look into grants/financial aid. Don't take two more years of crap if you don't have to!

2.) If you're interested in law, then GO FOR IT! You're young and have a WHOLE life ahead of you; choose a career you LOVE! You'll be glad you did (said the woman who did NOT choose what she loved, but what was 'safe'). 

3.) Get a 'free' consultation from a divorce attorney (call a women's abuse hotline and avail yourself of ALL their services). He may be required to pay for some/all of your schooling so you can help support your daughter. You don't know if you don't ask.

4.) Since you like law, and you like science, have you considered a career in criminal science (forensics)? Check it out. Info is free and knowledge is POWER!

*Hugs* and best wishes to you!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 1.) Look into grants/financial aid. Don't take two more years of crap if you don't have to!
> 
> 2.) If you're interested in law, then GO FOR IT! You're young and have a WHOLE life ahead of you; choose a career you LOVE! You'll be glad you did (said the woman who did NOT choose what she loved, but what was 'safe').
> 
> ...


You can (and should) ask for whatever you like. But since they've only been married for two years, I suspect her spousal support options will be limited. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> *ALL women should be able to support themselves.* There is no way in heck I'd be a homemaker unless I knew I had the means to support myself beforehand. I'm not okay putting my financial future in someone else's hands because you just never know what may happen.
> 
> And now that I'm getting older I'm pushing my husband to fund a retirement plan for me and he's cool with that.


So should all men.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Married27 said:


> Went to UCF Majored in Legal Studies/Minor Criminal Justice.
> 
> I love science , and got A's in all of my science courses. Law school is way too expensive. I will apply for the nursing program as soon as I finish all the pre-reqs. Since I have my general education completed I will graduate in 2 years. The program at my local community college is literally 50x cheaper then any law program anywhere. As soon as I do I am hitting this ******* with divorce papers. I am DONE


Why not take the police exam?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> *ALL women should be able to support themselves. * There is no way in heck I'd be a homemaker unless I knew I had the means to support myself beforehand. I'm not okay putting my financial future in someone else's hands because you just never know what may happen.
> 
> And now that I'm getting older I'm pushing my husband to fund a retirement plan for me and he's cool with that.


Absolutely... EVERY woman needs to get herself in a position to earn income... if she has to..


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I wonder if your husband is withholding $ & doing all the shopping because he doesn't want you to know how much money he has because he's planning on leaving you.
It wouldn't be the first time this has happened to an unsuspecting spouse. 
It might be time to start digging around & seeing what you can find.
Something just seems off about this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hambone said:


> Absolutely... EVERY woman needs to get herself in a position to earn income... if she has to..


And why wouldn't she have to unless she's independently wealthy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Married27 said:


> Yes I am currently in school taking only 1 class per semester, I am paying for my tuition through loans. I take them online so I do my coursework when he gets home from work. I only spend a few hours away from my daughter a day.


You might want to seriously think of taking more classes. From the sounds of things you will not be able to hang onto this marriage very much longer. If you do stay in the marriage for a few more years to take advantage of it while you slowly finish school, you might end up stuck. And you will most likely become very bitter. It does not sound like a healthy place for you to be.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> And why wouldn't she have to unless she's independently wealthy?


Well, as a long as my wives were married to me.. they didn't work..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hambone said:


> Well, as a long as my wives were married to me.. they didn't work..


Yea, but when a woman spends years not earning a living she becomes unemployable.

If something happens to her husband how is she going to take care of the family and even him?

If he dumps her, then what is she going to do?

I've learned on TAM that most men do not really value a SAHM/W. It's obvious in the way they talk about how she brought nothing into the marriage. How useless she was. How she should not be able to get anything financial if the marriage falls apart.

My father had 5 daughters. He told us all to get our education and be able to support ourselves. That's what we all did... thank goodness.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, but when a woman spends years not earning a living she becomes unemployable.
> 
> If something happens to her husband how is she going to take care of the family and even him?
> 
> ...


I'm not sure what you concern is. I agree that women need to get themselves in a position to earn income. You just never know when it will become necessary.

Those guys that don't appreciate a SAHM/W are just immature. 

Life is a whole lot easier when mom's don't work. Easier on everybody... Better for the kids... just better all the way around. Or, at least it can if the Wife loves being a mom and wife. I had no children by my first wife, she never worked and couldn't manage to keep me in clean clothes... keep me fed..nor keep me happy in the bedroom. Things didn't work out for obvious reasons. 

But, my second wife LOVES to take care of her family...including me. Things have been absolutely blissful.

We let our pursuit of worldly possessions over-ride everything. And I've seen women, moms who were in that same mode. Gotta work so we can have more stuff. IMO, crazy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hambone said:


> I'm not sure what you concern is. I agree that women need to get themselves in a position to earn income. You just never know when it will become necessary.
> 
> Those guys that don't appreciate a SAHM/W are just immature.
> 
> ...


My ex is exactly like your first wife. Plus I ended up supporting/raising his children while he played computer games all day. I know exactly how that feels.

Perhaps some women work because they just want more stuff. But that's not the motivation for most working women. Most need to work to make ends meet.

Most unmarried women work.. to include those with children.

70% of all married women work. Almost 50% are the major breadwinners in their households. Many have husbands who cannot or will not work. 

I'm addressing this because the OP has a husband who apparently has little respect for her as a SAHM. She's going to need a way to support herself. And I fear her need to do this will become evident sooner than later.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My ex is exactly like your first wife. Plus I ended up supporting/raising his children while he played computer games all day. I know exactly how that feels.
> 
> Perhaps some women work because they just want more stuff. But that's not the motivation for most working women. Most need to work to make ends meet.
> 
> ...


A huge problem in America is that people don't know how to manage their money. Too many people live at the edge (or beyond) of their money. My wife and I live well below our means. My wife can stretch a dollar. I'm not competing with the Jones'. I spend my money on what is important to me and not what will impress the neighbors. I'm just playing a different game. That's as personal as I want to get.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

When our son was born my wife became a SAHM for three years. During that time I was the sole breadwinner. I NEVER thought of my income as mine. It was ours. I always felt that she worked a full-time job herself and that it was my responsibility to provide the funds to support our home. I never put limits on what she spent. We didn't have much, but what we did have was ours.

That being said, my wife and I have always been on the same line of thinking with money. Neither of us overspend. Has that ever been an issue in your case?

Have you tried sitting him down and talking to him about his control issues?


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