# Conflicted



## needanepiphany (Feb 11, 2013)

I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for almost 6. We have a beautiful 2 year old son (light of my life!) 

A year ago, I found very inappropriate text messages on his phone about booty calls and hooking up with a co-worker. When I asked him about it, he said I was taking it out of context and it wasn't what it looked like. I asked him to end this friendship. He agreed. Shortly after, I found out that he was talking to her on Myspace. I confronted him again, told him he needed to pick his friend (whom he had only known for 6 months) or his wife. He apologized over and over, and said he would delete any possible way for her to contact him. Of course, then I found out he had created another email address so he could talk to her secretly. 

I lost it. It had never crossed my mind that I should be questioning his trustworthiness. This red flag lead me to check his email, where I found a response to a sex ad on craigslist. So I used his email address to sign into craigslist, where I found over 50 posts, posted over the course of the last 5 years. When confronted about all of this, he ardently denied any wrong doing. Said someone "hacked" his account and was using his email account to post ads on craigslist. I personally find this idea to be ludicrous. The ads contained personal information about his appearance, some even including his phone number. He still vehemently denies that he ever did it. 

On New Years Eve, he was really pushing me to go out with my friend, as I rarely ever go out. Pushing to the point suspicion. I soon found out why. On New Years Eve, he had created a profile on untrue.com (a site designed specifically for those who wish to cheat) stating that he was in a sexless marriage and was looking for discreet fun. Sick of his denials and unable to really prove that he had done anything wrong, I created a profile myself and used it to send him messages. He immediately responded and suggested over and over that we should meet up and hook up. One night, he left to go meet up with this imaginary woman. He sent a message that said "just left my house. where do u want 2 meet?" and I said "on your front porch. come home. we need to talk." He took a while to respond, then pretended not to know who I was. When he came home, he tried to make it seem like I was the one who was wrong. And I admit, I was wrong to be sneaky. I was just sick of catching him doing things, then being made to feel like I was wrong. He insisted that it was stupid for me to even think these things. After all, hadn't he lived his whole adult life for us and for the future of our family? 

I told him I wanted a divorce. 

Now we both have been approved for our own respective apartments, both set to pick up our keys this Friday. We have discussed the joint custody of our son, child support, and the splitting of our assets and our debts. Today, he called me on my lunch hour at work to ask me if I am really sure. Because he has never admitted or accepted any fault, he "doesn't understand why [he] is losing [his] family." I care about him, and it pains me to hurt him, but I don't think I can ever trust him.

I am conflicted. I have been with him since I was 19. Some days, I am strong, confident in my decision. Others, I second-guess myself, wondering if I am making a mistake.

I suppose the purpose of this post is to look for anyone who has had a similar experience, as well as to vent it all. It certainly is a mouthful! Please, if anyone can relate, or even if you can't and you just have something to share, please do.


----------



## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Separate. If he has an epiphany and realizes the hurt and destruction he's caused then maybe consider starting over. You need to heal from the hurt and he needs to learn there are consequences for his actions.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can separate from him, even divorce.
If he has a so-called awakening then he can woo you all over again.
Obviously he is clueless and has no impulse control.
I don't think you were sneaky at all. I hope he didn't accuse you of being underhanded in taking charge of your family and married life.
Surely he didn't expect you to do nothing while he was wandering around. Out of context, right. He got away with that and just kept right on going. I was watching a TED talk the other day about deception (I work in linguistics and psych research and deception is of course a common topic...) and basically researchers determined that it takes two people to lie, it is a collaborative effort. Just because you dropped the ball on your half of that equation, he is now getting all weird about it. One time accepting a lie is fine, you gave him the benefit of the doubt and also some leeway to change his ways, having been called out but left with free will. He decided to keep doing what he was doing and to lie. You can stop participating in the lie, as you did. If you continue to live with him, I doubt he will change his ways at all. He will probably just start accusing you of being distrustful (why shouldn't you be!) or controlling (nope, not at all, it's your marriage too and you have a right to demand that he be present in it or to set you free) and thus blame you for his actions. It is all part of the liar's plan, Plan B for when they are exposed. It's still lying, he's lying about your part in it. Don't accept it, don't play along. Don't even feel the need to apologize to him for whatever you do. It's justified to get a divorce, who wants to live with a liar, worse, a liar who is pursuing infidelity, even manipulating you to go out and have some fun on New Year's. Pretending to be concerned about you going out and having a good time, so that he could cheat. 

I used to have a husband like that.


----------



## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Please don't second guess yourself. You are doing the right thing if you want a marriage of mutual respect and trust. You will never have that kind of marriage with your current husband. You said, " he never admitted or accepted fault". So then for him it never happened? Seriously? Even you sound doubtful that he was unfaithful, just because you didn't catch him in the act? No one posts on Craigslist and other sites for 5 years and is a faithful, trustworthy spouse. He's denying everything and it sounds like part of you wants to believe it. DON'T use your brain not your emotions, he's been hooking up with strangers for years and you deserve a better. Be strong, get on with your life,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Get yourself tested for STDs if you haven't already. Let him KNOW you're awaiting the STD test results.

2. MOVE ON. This man has LIED TO YOU your entire marriage. You've been married LESS THAN 5 years, and he's been posting on Craig's list (and meeting other people for sex) for 5 years. Everything he has ever said, done, felt has been A LIE.

Having a child with him, has not changed who he is. He's still a LIAR. An unrepentant liar. A liar who has KNOWINGLY exposed YOU to disease (possible death?) with nary a care in the world. If you died from AIDS, who would care for your son? One of your ex-h's ONS? GREAT role model...times 2!

3. You and the man in your life WILL BE your son's ROLE MODELS on how to be happy, healthy adults in a productive relationship. That is NOT SOMETHING you're EVER going to find with you ex-h.

Children model what they see....do you want your son to be just like his father? If he sees it, he'll believe *that* is just the 'way marriage is'.

I totally disagree with hopefull363's advice. Any "epiphany" you ex-h has will be short-lived....just until he gets the urge for wild anonymous sex AGAIN. Even if he swore on your son's LIFE....HOW would you EVER believe him again? How?


----------

