# But why try If I don't love you anymore?



## forevercontrary (Mar 31, 2013)

My husband and I been married for 5 years. We got pregnant and married very quickly within 6 months. In the beginning he was a heavy drinker and just did not want to grow up. Over time that faded slowly and what took its place was his anger. Over the past 3 years he has been nothing but emotionally abusive and draining. I always told him how i felt, that I felt unloved and that the way he would talk to me was hurtful but nothing changed his attitude. To be clear he never laid a hand on me yet at times I wish he would have because the sting would not last as long.

I always knew he was an amazing person but he just never knew how to let that person out and express himself without the use of his anger and yelling. I loved this man with all of what I had inside of me. I could have loved him for the rest of my life if he would have just given me what I needed....So finally a year ago I quit making excuses for him and decided that he will never change and that all I can do is decide to live with it or not. 

Well I decided to no longer allow him to effect my every day mood or our children. I pulled out of the marriage emotionally so he could no longer have a hold on my feelings. Once I decided to pull back emotionally of course everything changed because I visably no longer "cared". Nothing he could say or do could effect me anymore. We bascially became just roomates raising children together and splitting bills. During this time I would continue to be open and honest and tell him that he was pushing me away by not being there for me and not putting any effort into our marriage.

A year went by until finally 3 months ago I finally asked him to leave. i told him I wanted to be seperated and that I was no longer in love with him and have not been in a long time. He said he felt like it came out of no where when in all truth I had been telling him all along he just chose not to listen. He did not want to leave. He begged and pleaded for another chance but I had been giving him chance after chance for years to change. once I started to see his attitude spill over into the personalities of our children I could no longer handle it because at this point it was not about me any more. Every time he would beg I would stay strong and tell him nothing but the truth, that I am just so far gone out of this marriage and that this seperation is new to him but it is not at all to me. I have been emotionally seperated from this man for years.

Hes been staying at his moms and we've been getting along great for the kids. He is still very hurt and cries pretty much every time he sees me. He has been going to counciling and has gotten help for his anger. I can see the changes in him with the kids and his every day attitude. This has definitly been a wake up call for him. Even with seeing all the change I still can not bring myself to the place to where I want to stay married to him. I feel so disconnected from him I am not sure if there is ever a going back from that. There is zero fire in side of me that wants to work it out because of the two of us. The only thing that is holding me back from getting a divorce is my kids. I look at him and see how much he has changed and I think about how our life could be great together if he continues on this path to healing but I know down in my heart I could really never love him the same. I have told him all of this I have been nothing but honest with him. He begs to allow him to win me back , to court me all over again. I just dont think that is fair to him. This man that is clearly in love with me trying so hard to win me back and my heart is just no longer in it. I want to give him a chance but I just can not find any other reason but my kids to do it. They are number one in my life and they have a major influence in every decision on make so they are enough to try but I can not get past the guilt of feeling NOTHING for him any more and dating him all over again. I am so very confused on what to do really. We have been to conseling and continue to go but even when Im there im really only there to support him. I know love is not every thing but isnt it a big thing ? Are the kids enough reason to try if I know he has really changed ? I am so very terrified of letting him down all over again if this dating thing does not work and I feel in my heart it will not........


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I think if you are in a very hard position. I'm not sure if you've read Michele Weiner Davis's book: The Divorce Remedy. I think most people who read this are the spouses that are left behind (either rightly or wrongly). Chapter 1 talks about about a lot of interesting things. Do your family a favor, please read at least chapter one before making a decision. Ok? I've linked it here.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

You wont be able to love him in the way you used to, that is absolutely correct. But that isn't to say you wont be able to love him in a completely different way. 

You have fallen out of love with a man that looks like he may not exist anymore. Now, the man you see before you today will be a different proposition entirely. 

This is of course up to you. And you shouldn't string him along if your only motivation is some form of guilt. To give him some kind of false hope when he is genuinely trying his utmost to change and make amends simply because you don't want to look like the bad guy would be a senseless cruelty. It's extremely hard to wake up to the shock of potentially losing your wife and trying to make a personal change for the better. The stress must be incredible, and he deserves a lot of credit for this. 

If I may add a personal observation, I will say that there is something about your story that doesn't ring true. You seem to be trying very hard to present yourself as the victim whilst bordering on the evasive when painting a picture of your emotionally abusive husband. 

You checked out of your marriage a year ago, make a point of saying how you "visibly" stopped caring and made yourself emotionally unavailable, act out in textbook passive aggressive ways, blame it all on him, then decide you are going to leave him for the sake of your children. How very noble of you. 

Sorry, but if what you say is accurate, then I think my sympathies lie firmly with your husband and you should own your responsibilities for contributing to the breakdown of your marriage, and admit it's purely for selfish reasons.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Very interesting hearing this from the side of the walkaway wife. I'm sure my soon to be ex wife would agree with everything you've said and maybe I needed to see this for a taste of reality. I desperately want my wife back, but she is completely checked out. She stays 4 hours away from me, our divorce hearing is on April 15 and if there is any contact between us, I am always the one to initiate it. 

Unlike your husband, though, I was never physically abusive. My father was and I vowed to never follow in his footsteps. My crime was making my wife feel "unwanted" as she put it. I would just hang out in the spare room playing on the computer for hours at a time. We also rarely went anywhere unless it was somewhere I wanted to go. She would come to me with these gripes but I would usually just shrug it off. I figured both of us were the types of people who just go to work and come home. We have a lot of "free time" together. I didn't want her to get tired of me so I created some distance. This was my first real relationship and it doesn't come with instructions. I just didn't know how to be a husband, I admit. I've told her these things, but as I said before, she's already gone. She says nothing I say will change her mind about divorcing me. She tells me she wants me to be happy but it can't be with her. Hearing these things feels like a dagger to the chest. 

What makes this all so heartbreaking is that these problems could have been very easily fixed. Also, if I ever felt like I was falling out of love with my wife, I'd have definitely told her BEFORE I was sure that the marriage was over. But, hindsight is 20/20....can't live in the past. Just have to try and deal with this horrible situation. I thank you for your courage in telling all of us your story. If it was me, as painful as it is, I wouldn't want to be strung along if my wife knew that there was no hope of a reconciliation. I think you should cut him loose. This coming from a left behind husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

forevercontrary said:


> My husband and I been married for 5 years. We got pregnant and married very quickly within 6 months. In the beginning he was a heavy drinker and just did not want to grow up. Over time that faded slowly and what took its place was his anger. Over the past 3 years he has been nothing but emotionally abusive and draining. I always told him how i felt, that I felt unloved and that the way he would talk to me was hurtful but nothing changed his attitude. To be clear he never laid a hand on me yet at times I wish he would have because the sting would not last as long.
> 
> I always knew he was an amazing person but he just never knew how to let that person out and express himself without the use of his anger and yelling. I loved this man with all of what I had inside of me. I could have loved him for the rest of my life if he would have just given me what I needed....So finally a year ago I quit making excuses for him and decided that he will never change and that all I can do is decide to live with it or not.
> 
> ...



Wow, I see so many similarities here with my ex hb. We also married and got pregnant quickly, he really had no interest in spending any time with me. In fact, he really didn't like me as time went on as I didn't "know my place as a woman". He also drank a lot. I was just like you, pulled back emotionally, all the while telling him how miserable I was and begging him to go to counseling. I was told it was my problem and we didn't need counseling. Eventually I filed for divorce and he also claimed to be blindsided, but that was because he didn't think I was going anywhere. He didn't give a rat's behind that I was miserable but when it was his happiness on the line he ran to counselors and begged. By then I was done because I knew that everything he did was for him and him alone. Guess what? We've been divorced almost 7 years and get along much better now. Our kids are fine and visit him regularly. I'm absolutely not advising you to do anything, just sharing my story. This whole BS about working things out for the kids is just that, bs. It's optimal if mom and dad can live together in happiness and harmony but sometimes they can't. My own parents stayed for us and it was a nightmare for all involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forevercontrary (Mar 31, 2013)

The Count said:


> You wont be able to love him in the way you used to, that is absolutely correct. But that isn't to say you wont be able to love him in a completely different way.
> 
> You have fallen out of love with a man that looks like he may not exist anymore. Now, the man you see before you today will be a different proposition entirely.
> 
> ...


(Every one is entitled to their own opinion but again it is all very clear where your response comes from entirely. You seem to have been on the other side of this and its obvious you would defend the other. I take full responsibilty for my actions in our marriage and the things I have done to allow us to get to where we are today but I will no longer take blame for him and not accept the fact that if he would have been here for me emotionally we could have worked through anything. I am hurt by his actions but I am no longer mad or resentful I am past that point. Even after you have read how he was emotionally abusive and never really there you feel he is the one that deserves to feel free of wrong in this all because I left him. Its unfortunate because I feel it may have hit close to home for you and I wish you luck in your own situation yourself. Thanks again for your response but I am sorry if I can not take it all to personally considering it sounds like it came from the mouth of my own husband himself or someone in the a very similar situation who is not willing to accept it.)


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## forevercontrary (Mar 31, 2013)

hank_rea said:


> Very interesting hearing this from the side of the walkaway wife. I'm sure my soon to be ex wife would agree with everything you've said and maybe I needed to see this for a taste of reality.( I am glad I could give a voice to the other side. Some times thats all it takes for people to understand.) I desperately want my wife back, but she is completely checked out. She stays 4 hours away from me, our divorce hearing is on April 15 and if there is any contact between us, I am always the one to initiate it.
> 
> Unlike your husband, though, I was never physically abusive. ( He was not physically abusive, emotionally yes but never laid a hand on me.) My father was and I vowed to never follow in his footsteps. My crime was making my wife feel "unwanted" as she put it. I would just hang out in the spare room playing on the computer for hours at a time. We also rarely went anywhere unless it was somewhere I wanted to go. She would come to me with these gripes but I would usually just shrug it off. I figured both of us were the types of people who just go to work and come home. We have a lot of "free time" together. I didn't want her to get tired of me so I created some distance. This was my first real relationship and it doesn't come with instructions. I just didn't know how to be a husband, I admit. I've told her these things, but as I said before, she's already gone. She says nothing I say will change her mind about divorcing me. She tells me she wants me to be happy but it can't be with her. Hearing these things feels like a dagger to the chest.
> ( I am sorry to hear what your going through. I know the things I have been honest with my husband about hurt also but I know being honest at this point is the only way. It is very difficult for both sides of this. She may have never wanted to leave but finally felt there was no other way for her to be happy. I can assure you she is not enjoying seeing you in pain if anything its making it that much more difficult for her. I do not know your story but what I can say is once she tells you there is nothing you can do to change her mind theres usually nothing but truth behind it as hard as it is to hear.)
> ...


 The hardest part for both sides is knowing that is could have all been fixed with proper communication.... If she did not tell you as time was going on that she was feeling this was then that was her contribution to the failure of your marriage. She should have been vocal about her feelings and allowed you the chance to try and change. This is the one thing I can honestly say I did all the time. I told him he was pushing me away I told him he was hurting me and he choose not to listen. Thank you so much for your response and being open minded even though you are on the other side of this same type of situation.


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## forevercontrary (Mar 31, 2013)

helolover said:


> I think if you are in a very hard position. I'm not sure if you've read Michele Weiner Davis's book: The Divorce Remedy. I think most people who read this are the spouses that are left behind (either rightly or wrongly). Chapter 1 talks about about a lot of interesting things. Do your family a favor, please read at least chapter one before making a decision. Ok? I've linked it here.
> 
> Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage Problems - Book Sample: Divorce Remedy


Thank you so much! I read it and plan on even rereading it. I can not say it has changed my mind but I can say it has opened my mind to new thoughts so thank you again.


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## forevercontrary (Mar 31, 2013)

helolover said:


> I think if you are in a very hard position. I'm not sure if you've read Michele Weiner Davis's book: The Divorce Remedy. I think most people who read this are the spouses that are left behind (either rightly or wrongly). Chapter 1 talks about about a lot of interesting things. Do your family a favor, please read at least chapter one before making a decision. Ok? I've linked it here.
> 
> Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage Problems - Book Sample: Divorce Remedy


 Thank you so much for the article. I have read it and plan on rereading it. I can not say it has changed the way I feel but I can say it has opened up my mind a little to other thoughts. Thank you again.


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