# Following My Gut....?



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Things are underway towards my separation from my husband. And so far, he's actually been taking things fairly well.
He doesn't cry all the time anymore, and is actually able to have conversations about the separation plans and details.
He says that he wants to maintain a good relationship with each other for the sake of the kids, and I agree. We parent well together and want to do 50/50.
Last night, we even took the kids out for dinner (it was insanely hot and we don't have ac; so we needed a break from the heat) and we had a nice time. We were able to have fun with the kids and each other, and we were even able to joke casually about the split and our differences.
The conversation led to something a bit deeper... we, obviously, love our children, and during our time together, we had always said we wanted lots of kids (we have 2 now) and during the night, we mentioned how that dream is dead now.. and it makes us both sad.

I had to really sit with that all night, because i hadn't really thought about that; and it does make me sad to think that any future kids I MAY have, would be with another man.. not that I WANT to have more kids with my H; because its not that. But I love kids, I love being a mother; (I'm a Child and Youth worker too).

Anyways, all this to say, it made me second guess my actions. It made me stop and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
He caught me in my weak moment and said, "you know, we don't HAVE to split just because it's come this far."
And the only thing I could say, was, "But, splitting just FEELS like the right thing to do." He responded, "ok, I understand"

I've almost forgotten all my logical reasoning, which I know I had once... I know the qualities that I can't live with .. and I remember that I feel as though I'm the only one that's been trying.. I remember how daft and blind he is to emotion; mine and his own. But somehow, my only good excuse right now, these days, is, "it feels right to split"; I'm going on my gut feeling now.

Is that wrong? Is second guessing myself reason to reevaluate everything?
is he manipulating me.. cause I think he's done that before?

I'm going to stick with it... just because I remember the feeling of being so close to the end, and than turning back... and hating myself for it. I need to see this through. At least just to see, right??


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Get counseling. Stay married. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems pretty obvious that the separation is only something you want and you're just now coming to the realization that it's not the right thing to do. You were only forcing everybody, especially your husband, to do what you want.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yep. Get counseling. You ARE separating for a reason....and it must have been valid to you to take it this far. Second guessing yourself IS normal, and so is reevaluating your reasons. It's like EVERYTHING is up for internal debate. 

If you haven't tried counseling yet, then you can't say you've tried everything. If HE is not open to counseling, that's another story.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Seems pretty obvious that the separation is only something you want and you're just now coming to the realization that it's not the right thing to do. You were only forcing everybody, especially your husband, to do what you want.


The separation is something that I wanted; he didn't want to separate because he's the one reaping all the benefits here. No job, no housework, he just sits around and enjoys our children and doesn't have to take care of any of the stresses of running a household. Not to mention, the last 2 years of me begging for connection and love and intimacy, he's just talked his way out of doing all those things.

I've been in therapy for about 6 months now; he claims, "it won't do anything" for him. I've been making many efforts to improve our communication, sex life, and just general enjoyment with each other; which was usually met with half ass promises and let downs.

Yes, I wonder if it's the right thing... I go back and forth. Some days I feel confident and empowered by leaving him. Some days I feel like complete sh!t and hate that I'm ripping my family apart.

When I told him I was unhappy a few months ago, he said, "our marriage is normal. just accept this and be happy" That's when I realized that he had no desire to change our relationship.. and he didn't really care if I was truly happy or not, as long as things stayed the same for him.

So, I guess I just answered my own questions...


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

He has his "nice face" on these days.. The mask that I first fell in love with at the beginning... that's why I'm getting confused. My H has depression, and has mastered the "ACT"... he can put that smile on and make himself seem like the most fun man in the world... but once the mask falls off; once he gets comfortable... he's dark and lonely, and negative.
That's the place I hated, and cannot return to... I suffocated there.

Typing these posts has brought me back to the reality of it all. So, thank you for providing the space for me to do this.
xo


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Get counseling. Stay married.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


When I saw this post, I gasped in fear. HA! I guess that reaction is my answer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wait...why doesn't he work?


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Banned-It.45 said:


> Wait...why doesn't he work?


He lost his job 7 months ago and has been home ever since. He told me he was looking for work, which I later found out was a lie. Since I caught him in his lie, he's been applying. He had an interview, which he blew off. They called him back and rescheduled it, but he has heard anything from them since.


and he just told me that he has another job interview on Monday.

So I guess he's trying now...?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> He lost his job 7 months ago and has been home ever since. He told me he was looking for work, which I later found out was a lie. Since I caught him in his lie, he's been applying. He had an interview, which he blew off. They called him back and rescheduled it, but he has heard anything from them since.
> 
> 
> and he just told me that he has another job interview on Monday.
> ...


If you call that trying, it's pretty lame.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You want more kids with a bum who won't work or otherwise contribute? 

How is that possibly going to end well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

flyhigher said:


> He lost his job 7 months ago and has been home ever since. He told me he was looking for work, which I later found out was a lie. Since I caught him in his lie, he's been applying. He had an interview, which he blew off. They called him back and rescheduled it, but he has heard anything from them since.
> 
> 
> and he just told me that he has another job interview on Monday.
> ...


Well...

If he is an able bodied man he needs to be doing something. He sounds lazy to me. And if he doesn't help around the house? Oh man. I don't wonder your discontent. 

Lose him.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You want more kids with a bum who won't work or otherwise contribute?
> 
> How is that possibly going to end well?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is my point. I've always wanted many kids... and that's something that he and I have always talked about throughout our relationship. When it was brought up last night, I realized that I had to say goodbye to that dream of a large family with one man. I realized that if I ever DO have more kids, it would be with another man, or on my own.. which I had never thought about before, I guess. 

While speaking with a friend, I realized that it's not that i want more kids WITH HIM; it's just that I've always wanted a larger family.

I had to swallow that pill, and it was a tough one.

I had a moment of sadness, and he picked up on it, and ran with it .. I think throughout the entire separation, I'm most sad about letting go of that dream..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

flyhigher said:


> When I saw this post, I gasped in fear. HA! I guess that reaction is my answer.


For sure! For what its worth, I did the same thing when I read that! 

Of course its normal to question if you are doing the right thing...but when the answer comes back every time as a resounding YES, then you will eventually move past these thoughts and know that you made the right decision.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The fly in the salve that could heal your relationship is him..... he has tainted it..rendering reconciliation numb-and-avoid.

He KNOWS better! And he will not change? What a user!

His nose better...get out of his azz.

Follow through on the divorce.

His depression is his hole to live in. He had his chance.

You owe it to your kids to optimize your life.

A new husband and having new kids means that intimacy, sex and new fulfilling adventures are waiting for you!

Re-marry....your load will be lightened and your pleasures ensured.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

flyhigher said:


> He lost his job 7 months ago and has been home ever since. He told me he was looking for work, which I later found out was a lie. Since I caught him in his lie, he's been applying. He had an interview, which he blew off. They called him back and rescheduled it, but he has heard anything from them since.
> 
> 
> and he just told me that he has another job interview on Monday.
> ...


In all fairness, the job market is a rough place to be right now. I lost my job back in 2009 and it took me almost 8 months to find something. I looked for work 8 hours/day made at least 50-60 phone calls per day and spent the rest of the time on-line researching jobs. And..you want him to do the housework on top of that?? During this time, my wife did to me the same thing you are doing to your husband: accused him of doing nothing. Being out of work is very hard on someone let alone being called a do nothing by the one who is supposed to be there for you when times get rough. Instead my wife slammed me to all of our friends and said she wanted a divorce. Sound familiar?? 

Imagine dealing with all of that while trying to sound like you are the best guy in the world to hire at interviews. Trust me it's not easy. Alot of guys give up...especially if they know their wife gave up on them. Why don't you help your husband prepare for the interview instead of being so intent to break up your family?

I


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Have you tried marriage counseling? I know you said you are in counseling but until you try MC you haven't tried everything. Also is your H being treated for depression? Controlled he might be a totally different person and not so ambivalent.



Sent from my iPhone


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

About a hundred years ago, I told my ex (Note: EX) that I wasn't happy, that the marriage wasn't working well....he told me that happiness isn't even a thing. It just is what it is. 

I went to marriage counseling by myself, he said it was my problem and wouldn't go. I tried everything I could think of to make that marriage work. 

After 23 years he walked out. Said he "wasn't happy". After all that time and effort, I have to admit.....I laughed. Out loud. He didn't "get it". I didn't care. 

Turns out, there IS love and happiness, honesty, respect, goodness......it's out there! The past ten years with now H.... and life is wonderful!


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> In all fairness, the job market is a rough place to be right now. I lost my job back in 2009 and it took me almost 8 months to find something. I looked for work 8 hours/day made at least 50-60 phone calls per day and spent the rest of the time on-line researching jobs. And..you want him to do the housework on top of that?? During this time, my wife did to me the same thing you are doing to your husband: accused him of doing nothing. Being out of work is very hard on someone let alone being called a do nothing by the one who is supposed to be there for you when times get rough. Instead my wife slammed me to all of our friends and said she wanted a divorce. Sound familiar??
> 
> Imagine dealing with all of that while trying to sound like you are the best guy in the world to hire at interviews. Trust me it's not easy. Alot of guys give up...especially if they know their wife gave up on them. Why don't you help your husband prepare for the interview instead of being so intent to break up your family?
> 
> I


I really do appreciate what you're saying here. I want to be clear that I"m not mean and nagging. In fact, I didn't bother him about finding work for the first 3 months because I understand sometimes, it's nice to just enjoy the time off.

Once the bills started getting too much for me, I needed help but didn't know how to ask. My H struggles with new things, new places, and social settings; all of which make getting a job THAT much MORE difficult for him. I was scared to ask for help because of these issues. My therapist helped me find my voice and word things in such a way that didn't feel like an attack on him. I calmly sat down and asked for help; I simply couldn't manage on my own. 

He agreed and together, we built his resume, and researched jobs. For the next month or so, he told me all about his applications and resumes that he had sent out. Every day, he'd tell me all the jobs he had applied to.

I later found out that ALL of that was a lie. And he hadn't even applied to one job. Which hurt me and we fought about it.
After that, he started applying to work, and CC'd me in the emails. Something he had offered to do to gain my trust back.
He got an interview right away, and than didn't go to it. They called him again and set up a second interview; which we haven't heard back from. He has another interview set up for Monday.

So.. yes, I understand it's hard to find work; but no, my H was not sending out resumes 8 hours a day. He sat on his computer, while my kids ran around the house, in their pjs, eating peanut butter spoons and strawberries all day, and making a mess.

I'm an understanding person, I've learned to be incredibly patient with my H due to his anxieties and depression.

He refuses therapy, doesn't want to stick to a medication plan, and will avoid even going to the dr; and yes, I've done everything I can to encourage him to go.. I've been dealing with these issues for 2 years or MORE.

Leaving my marriage is the last option, which I have unfortunately come to.

I"m a happy, positive, and motivated person and being with him has been sucking the life right out of me. I've tried to help, but I'm just hurting myself. I realized that when I would be at a social event without him, coming home was such a disappointment; it was like returning to a dark cloud, and I just can't allow my kids to live in that day after day.

I'm pretty set in this decision; I've fought hard to get here; therapy has given me the voice and confidence to not get quieted down any longer.

But all this to say, thank you for posting that reply. I appreciate real advice, which this was!! I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're saying, but unfortunately, my circumstances are not as you have described.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> Have you tried marriage counseling? I know you said you are in counseling but until you try MC you haven't tried everything. Also is your H being treated for depression? Controlled he might be a totally different person and not so ambivalent.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


My H has been on and off his meds for the past 3-4 years. He starts taking them when I get on him about it, but than drops the ball about 3 months in. Nothing I say or have done has been enough to keep him motivated to get better.
I think therapy would do AMAZING things for him, but he refuses to go. I've called for him, gone WITH him, waited outside in the car... he never returns after the initial session. He tells me, "It doesnt' do anything".
I've explained that it takes more than one or two sessions to see the effects of therapy, but he's not convinced. 

I used to read books, talk to therapists; I've even had my DR call him and try to convince him to get treatment. all of which were met with, "yeah, yeah yeah" attitude. As well, I've learned through all of this that HE has to WANT to get treatment.. I can't do it FOR him. If I could, it'd be done by now.

He only starts treatment when I get so fed up, and end up in tears, frustrated with his attitude, and lack of "life". Than he'd comfort me by saying he'll get treatment, and he will for a month or two.. than it always stops.. it fizzles out.. I seem in a better mood, so he doesnt feel the need to help himself anymore

It's a cycle that I see no end to.. I don't know how to help him WANT to get treatment and STICK with it...


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sounds like you have been as supportive as you can be....maybe the Only way to break the cycle is to move on...hopefully he sees it as a wake up call.
Does he have a support system?


Sent from my iPhone


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

he has his mother and sister; and some friends that love him (although they will need to reach out to him; because he more than likely won't reach out to them). I'm trying to make this break as smooth as possible. I understand that leaving him high and dry will do a lot of damage.. that's why it's dragging out as long as it is.

When I first explained that I would be leaving him, he was pretty emotional for about 2 weeks.. but now he seems to have accepted that it's coming. I've still encouraging him to find work; helping him where I can. He's a bit bitter with me now, so my help isn't as welcomed; which I understand. 

Once and while he mentions us staying together, and I calmly explain that it's not the best thing for ME; and he usually says he understands.
I've reassured him many times that I have NO intention of keeping the kids from him, or taking his money. His biggest fear is loosing the kids; but he's amazing with them, and is able to turn "it" on for them; he plays and sings and they adore him. He also gives them junk food and tv all day, but hey.. that's a whole other ballgame. Ha!!

Right now, we're finishing the renovation in the kitchen, a project he started and never finished; so I've taken control it. I've explained that we'll sell the house and split the money, so he'll have a nice bank account when it's done. That seemed to give him a bit of comfort.
He hasn't told his mother about any of this yet... he's seeing her today, so I'm hoping he will. If he doesn't tell her whats going on by the time the kitchen is done, I will be sure to let her know. He'll need her support for sure!

Anyways, I still love and care for him, so I'm trying to help this transition; which many many many people are telling me NOT to do. lol. but.. I know his metal health history, and I can't just leave him to "deal" with it... I need to do it this way so we can both come out of it on our feet and strong, which is the best thing I can do for my children.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're playing a very risky game with him. 

What you perceive as kindness is very likely perceived as weakness by him. 

I hope I'm wrong about that.

I have experience dealing with a lazy mooch with anxiety, and they will absolutely suck you dry. I came to the point where I just cut this family member off..... they would say it was abrupt but the fact is I'd been telling them it was coming. 

They didn't want to deal with it, and as long as they could mooch they didn't have to. 

I was the recipient of some very nasty text messages, but I don't care. I'm far better off as is my immediate family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

flyhigher said:


> I really do appreciate what you're saying here. I want to be clear that I"m not mean and nagging. In fact, I didn't bother him about finding work for the first 3 months because I understand sometimes, it's nice to just enjoy the time off.
> 
> Once the bills started getting too much for me, I needed help but didn't know how to ask. My H struggles with new things, new places, and social settings; all of which make getting a job THAT much MORE difficult for him. I was scared to ask for help because of these issues. My therapist helped me find my voice and word things in such a way that didn't feel like an attack on him. I calmly sat down and asked for help; I simply couldn't manage on my own.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you are going through all this and you are experiencing what you are. I thought it worthwhile that you hear from someone on the other side of this. Being out of work is hard. It messes with your mind. Makes you feels like a failure. You really have nowhere else to turn but to your wife for support. When she won't even support you it sends you to a real, real dark place...a place I never want to go again. 

I understand your husband isn't being as diligent as he should, and that's unfortunate, but maybe with your support he could do better?? I just remember how hard it was to deal with being unemployed so long on top of the marriage failing. It's not something for the faint at heart.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> In all fairness, the job market is a rough place to be right now. I lost my job back in 2009 and it took me almost 8 months to find something. I looked for work 8 hours/day made at least 50-60 phone calls per day and spent the rest of the time on-line researching jobs. And..you want him to do the housework on top of that?? During this time, my wife did to me the same thing you are doing to your husband: accused him of doing nothing. Being out of work is very hard on someone let alone being called a do nothing by the one who is supposed to be there for you when times get rough. Instead my wife slammed me to all of our friends and said she wanted a divorce. Sound familiar??
> 
> Imagine dealing with all of that while trying to sound like you are the best guy in the world to hire at interviews. Trust me it's not easy. Alot of guys give up...especially if they know their wife gave up on them. Why don't you help your husband prepare for the interview instead of being so intent to break up your family?
> 
> I



How true!

It is a buyers market...the employer has the upper hand.

With all the regulations regarding employment in the U.S., employers are very careful in their selection process. Bringing a person on line and training them is very expensive. They want the candidate to be successful, not to fail and to be "fired".

Finding a job is especially difficult if your employment focus [and skillset] is common, therefore competitive.

Very technical people usually have it easier, when looking and finding a job.

Some times you need to move were the jobs are. This is not a new concept. Many will not do this for a variety of reasons.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I could understand the difficulty of finding a job thing. My hb was unemployment for close to 10 months and he looked diligently. 

But he did almost everything at home during that time and did not lie about anything. 

If op's hb was otherwise contributing. .... keeping the home, not spending all day on video games while the kids run wild, not lying about job searching, not blowing off interviews, etc I think the advice given would be much different. 

Nobody would let a sahm get away with playing video games and letting the kids run wild while lying about what she does, while letter her working hb shoulder everything. 

That's why she needs to get rid of this guy. That might be his chance to stand on his own two feet and if that happens she can reconsider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

flyhigher said:


> He lost his job 7 months ago and has been home ever since. He told me he was looking for work, which I later found out was a lie. Since I caught him in his lie, he's been applying. He had an interview, which he blew off. They called him back and rescheduled it, but he has heard anything from them since.
> 
> 
> and he just told me that he has another job interview on Monday.
> ...


Make a list of what he needs to do to have you back in his life. He must get counselling and work on these things. Separate but do not divorce yet, to see if he will do what is needed, i.e. get job, be more engaged in the relationship, etc


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Just to update...

We are still going through with the separation but I've very clearly made some points to him. 
My therapist was actually the one to point out that I have been sending mixed signals; saying one thing, than saying another. So he asked me straight up, what I need to see in H for me to continue the relationship and my list looks like this: (remember, my H has depression & anxiety.. some of these do not come easily to him)

1. receive treatment for his depression (counseling especially)
2. establish and maintain his own friendships (outside of just me)
3. maintain his own home and responsibilities (pay his bills, keep things clean)
4. Get and keep a job
5. act with independence and stand on his own 2 feet
6. maintain all of the above for a minimum of 1-2 years

SO! these things seem fairly basic, but my H does not have these things in place as of now.. and the last one is put there so that I am able to TRUST that he won't fall back into his usual ways. Basically, I am looking for PERMANENT change... and I WILL be separating from him in order for these things to happen. They WILL NOT happen while we're still living together, that's for sure. If after a year or two, he has maintained all these, I would be open to DATING again.. because I do care about him. I'm comfortable with him, and he is a generally good man.

I told him about the list, and he fixated on the 1-2 year request.. which tells me that he isn't eager to make permanent changes. He was upset by the idea that I don't think he would stick to his new habits. I gave him multiple examples of when he hasn't stuck to changes before... and that pissed him off/hurt him. I ended up walking away from the conversation.

Apparently, he told his mother about our break up, and she lectured him. Sigh. She said, and he showed me the text, "I will be devastated if you can't make things work with her" which really made me upset. SHE was his only support.. and she's NOT supporting and encouraging him. She's a piece of work, this woman. I almost don't blame him for being the way he is. He was never taught how to be independent and/or confident in himself. She just lays on guilt trip after guilt trip. It's terrible. I'm not a fan of hers.

But anyway, we have a plan in place and I will be moving out asap. 

Also.. just for the record.. I'm NOT leaving my husband because he doesn't have a job. Our issues LONG predate the whole job situation.. this isn't about the work, or even money.. it's about connection, intimacy, effort, and emotional and physical support. I'm am convinced, more than ever, that my H needs this in order for him to get better; for HIMSELF to be happy with HIMSELF.
My H is a sad and lonely man, and I thought I could fix it for him, but I cannot; believe me, I've tried. He needs to find the will in himself to change, and he won't do that as long as someone is doing everything for him.
It sounds terrible, but I really think that for mine AND his happiness and health.. a separation is necessary.

Maybe one day, we'll explore getting back together.. but I am not planning or counting on that. I can no longer live my life waiting for him to catch up..or dragging him along. This isn't about his job. I can deal with a H that has a hard time finding work, I can deal with being broke, I can deal with down sizing. What I can't deal with, is this dark cloud hanging over my life... over my children's lives. I'm standing up for myself now... and my kids.. AND, in an odd way, for my husband..


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Do you plan on dating other people in those 2 years?

#2,3,5 of your list make it seem you just want him out of your life. If that's the case just divorce. You will completely wreck him with false hope and leading him along for 2 years.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Flyhigher, your approach is well thought out and being done with the best of intentions. Well done. Stick to your guns and I wish you the very best in the future, wherever that road may lead!


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

You can't say you haven't tried.

Your soon to be exhusband is a loser.

Unfortunately you'll be supporting him for several years after the divorce is final, might as well get started now and finish sooner.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

A year or TWO to even think about dating? I just don't see your method here. I'm not you. I feel you put that year or two out there just to not seem unreasonable or a bad guy, but 2 years is UNREASONABLE. He will date, even if he is improving himself, HE WILL LOOK FOR SOMEONE TO CARE FOR HIM. I agree with this divorce and separating thing, but only because YOU dont seem to have it in you to go back and work hard on the marriage AGAIN! No shame or fault in that! But you are just setting this guy up to fail. and FAIL HE WILL...then what? He will just feel worse. 

Please, if you dont intend on actually working on your marriage, END THINGS NOW! If you actually hold out hope and have a desire to be with this man, then don't have a YEAR OR TWO expectation before you are willing to invest. A year or two is a bit hard core to not even be dating or establishing a new romantic dynamic. 

I think there may be information on your side that you might not be sharing? Is there anything you want to tell us about this situation that maybe you have not shared?


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## Left arm optimistic (Feb 19, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> When I told him I was unhappy a few months ago, he said, "our marriage is normal. just accept this and be happy" That's when I realized that he had no desire to change our relationship.. and he didn't really care if I was truly happy or not, as long as things stayed the same for him.


Eeash. I can eerily relate to that


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> A year or TWO to even think about dating? I just don't see your method here. I'm not you. I feel you put that year or two out there just to not seem unreasonable or a bad guy, but 2 years is UNREASONABLE. He will date, even if he is improving himself, HE WILL LOOK FOR SOMEONE TO CARE FOR HIM. I agree with this divorce and separating thing, but only because YOU dont seem to have it in you to go back and work hard on the marriage AGAIN! No shame or fault in that! But you are just setting this guy up to fail. and FAIL HE WILL...then what? He will just feel worse.
> 
> Please, if you dont intend on actually working on your marriage, END THINGS NOW! If you actually hold out hope and have a desire to be with this man, then don't have a YEAR OR TWO expectation before you are willing to invest. A year or two is a bit hard core to not even be dating or establishing a new romantic dynamic.
> 
> I think there may be information on your side that you might not be sharing? Is there anything you want to tell us about this situation that maybe you have not shared?


Haha. I love the posts that challenge my thinking...

The reason I had said the year or two idea was not to keep him waiting for me; that's absolutely not my intention. 
My H doesn't want to split; and of course there is a part of me that wishes he would just do some changing so we could stay together.

However; that is a total fantasy. I am not expecting to get back together with him; mostly because I do not expect him to change. AND HE KNOWS THIS.

I have made these types of requests to him before; at least 4-5 times, and the thing is; he does change! For about a month... and just when I think that everything is going to be okay.. he reverts right back to old behaviors and I am reminded that I cannot trust him to take me seriously.
H doesn't like change. He likes living in his lil bubble; on his computer; in the house. I've seen this man spend literally 2 weeks without leaving the house, with the lights off, eating chips and pop .. that's it. No shower, no conversation with people. It's not a nice thing to see. Sometimes I'll walk into the room and turn the lights on and he gets annoyed with me. THAT is his depression. He will not commit to a treatment.

So yes... if my H started getting treatment for his depression in a SERIOUS way ; as in, committed to it for longer than a year (which would show me lasting change), I would consider dating him again; because when he's on a high, he's fun and silly and I enjoy his company. BUT; I am very very doubtful that that would happen, which is why I'm separating from him.

I sincerely don't think I'm setting him up to fail. I really honestly feel that I"m providing him with more chances than he would have if I just left high and dry.
He doesn't have a job right now. He has 0 money. The car is in my name, and the house would be gone within 2 months, even if I gave it to him.
He thinks that he can just get a job, pay for an apartment and give me $500/month. He doesnt understand that he'll be broke way before he can give me money.. Depression doesn't think logically.
IF he gets a job within the next month; he'll be bringing in approx. $800/two weeks. that's $1600/month. Rent here is at least $1000/month. plus utlities and food and gas... I'm not expecting money from him. I'm expecting a father that shows up when my kids are crying to see him. 
His mother is going to be lecturing him, and his sister just moved to another province. His support system is weak.

If I leave him high and dry, he is a depressed man, with no money, home, or support system. What do you think will happen to him than?

He and I are trying communicate through this thing the best we can. I'm trying to keep him feeling strong. My therapist is helping through all this as well.

He has told me that he's accepted that it's over and even says that he can see how it's for the best.

Yes, I'm dragging this out; and sometimes I get upset about it.. I know I look like a martyr on here. But i honestly think I"m doing the right thing right now. I want my kids to have a father in their lives... and I think that I need to do it this way for that to happen.

I've been clear with him that I'm not "waiting" around for him. And we've already discussed the possibility of either of us dating again.

As far as something I'm not telling you guys? I mean sure, there's way too many stories for me to lay it all out here. We've been having issues for years and I'm not always the best wife either.. our biggest problem is communication. 
We have a very typical "boomerang" relationship. He's VERY passive aggressive, and I'm don't know how to call him on it. I don't even notice it until it's already done usually. Here's an article that hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it; it solidified my decision to leave.. and made me feel not so crazy:

The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka

The most ironic part of all of this is that when we first started dating, I used to say, "I love how easy we communicate." "It's so easy to talk to him" and slowly, slowly, slowly, that changed... and now, it's difficult to talk about anything with him, in fear that he'll be angry without telling me he's angry. He's the classic, "I'm fine" when really deep down he's fuming with anger. So he'll get back at me in a way that I won't even realize it was him.

Anyway, I could write a book. Ha!


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

The only reason it's taking so long, btw, is because of the kitchen renovation. H tore the entire kitchen out 3 months ago, promising up and down that he would finish it.

He didn't. It was still down to bare bones until about a week ago.

I want to sell the house and split the money; but with no kitchen, there wouldn't be any money to split. So, I took out a loan from the bank and took the project into my own hands. I'm expecting it to be done within the next two week. Contractors are installing cabinets as we speak. Than counters and back splash.

The minute the kitchen is done, the house will be on the market.

I live in a highly sought after neighborhood, and I can resell for much more than what we paid. But until the kitchen is done... we have to live together. I have been CLEAR that it's over. and he has acknowledged that he understands that and he knows what the plans are. He is happy to be getting half the money from the house. That will be enough for him to get a place, and pay rent for a few months until he's back on his feet.

If he decides to blow the money, and ends up back at his mother's house... than, that's his choice. And I can rest east knowing that I gave him all the chances I could.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I can understand your points. But with the way your husband is, i see him doing a change for a year but then getting you back and reverting anyway maybe... I think it should just be done... I get you WANT him to change, but i got to tell ya, My husband changed...and now i am resentful that it took me a year and filing, it took me going so flippen far for him to get a clue, and now im waiting for the other shoe to drop...Etc, it creates a NEW layer, level of irrational anger. I have hardened and become cold. 

If he changes and you take him back, say 1 1/2 years from now, sure maybe he is working hard then, and doing good. You will always wait for that other shoe to drop. The home you have you will resent that you lost it. Any financial set backs you will think about what the divorce cost you...

As long as you retain hope, and intent if he changes to work on things i do not advise divorce, because if you do you will both have lost so much the layer of resentment could be too heavy to bear. So i personally think it would be much better to end it ONCE AND FOR ALL, or Hold out on the filing for divorce.... But i do agree, you have your reasons. 

I just think if you hope to make a go again later it will have the conflict of the now and a year from now lumped up with it.


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