# Emotional Roadblock



## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

Hello everyone,
My situation is not unusual, but none the less, is wearing on me. I hope you can help me better understand & work thru my emotional roadblock. Thank you for your time, advice & insight.

Brief history...
May 2012-May 2013: I separated from my wife and moved out of the house for a year. During this time, I met & started dating a wonderful woman.
June 2013: I moved back home to give my marriage one more chance.
Dec 2013:
I told my wife I wanted a divorce, but I would wait 1 yr before filing. This would give her time to get herself emotionally & financially settled. I love my girlfriend & begged for another chance. I also told her of my plan to end my marriage & file Jan 2015.

Based partially on my promise (she'd heard them before), in May 2014, she moved several hundred miles so that we could be together. We began living together in June of 2014.

Well...it's now June 14th 2015 & I still haven't filed. Logically, this makes no sense. My marriage is over & have no desire to reconcile with my wife. I'm not sure what is holding me back. Is it guilt, responsibility, failure or am I simply punishing myself for hurting my wife?

In March, my girlfriend let me know that she would allow me until June 12th to file for divorce. If I had not, she would end the relationship and any further attempts by me to reconcile would not be considered. She has made all arrangements to leave on June 16th, which has lead me to this forum. I don't want to lose her!!!

Thru individual counseling... 
I've learned there is an unhealthy codependency within my marriage & relationship with wife. Throughout the marriage, I pretty much took care of everything from making the money, paying bills...taking care of everything she didn't want to deal with. For the most part, I was ok with this arrangement. I just wanted her to be happy...even at my expense. Over time, my feelings changed. Resentment & feelings of being taken for granted grew.

Back to my dilemma...
What the hell is wrong with me? What is driving my behavior? What am I getting out of not filing for divorce? 


Thanks again. I look forward to your responses.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Did the relationship with your girlfriend start before you moved out in May 2012?


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## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

Yes...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bfs said:


> Yes...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to spend some time (like at least a year) being alone and trying to figure out why you are a cheater who can't maintain commitment to either your wife OR your mistress.


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## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. Believe it or not...I've thought the same thing.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Is there a good reason you want a divorce or you just wanted to be with someone else? Did your wife do something to cause you to leave? Maybe it's guilt that is preventing you from filing for divorce. You shouldn't be dating until you are divorced and on your own. I would tell your girlfriend to move on, not only are you a cheater but even if you got a divorce I would wonder if you would cheat on your girlfriend with your wife. I could never trust you. As they say if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. You need to be alone for a while before you commit to another women.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're not ready for another relationship. Please don't waste and more of your gf's life, she was stupid to make a move like that. 

Being married gives you a nice excuse as to why you can't move forward, when instead you need to be honest that you're not ready to be involved with someone else. It's not a crime, but jerking around a "wonderful woman" for your selfish purposes is sh!tty and prevents her from finding someone ready to give her 100%.

You want to keep her on your terms with no regard for whether it's good for her. Let her move out.

This is exactly why I would never get involved with a "separated" person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

Has your wife become emotionally and fincancially stable since you left her? If yes, then maybe what you are getting out of not filing for divorce is remaining married to your wife. You say that it is over, but it sounds like you are conflicted about whether or not you really want a divorce. The reason I say that is because you said the reason your marriage fell apart was you took care of everything, and now she has shown initiative and become the person you were hoping she would be all along. I think you should say goodbye to the gf and go back to the wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bfs said:


> HThru individual counseling...
> 
> I've learned there is an unhealthy codependency within my marriage & relationship with wife. Throughout the marriage, I pretty much took care of everything from making the money, paying bills...taking care of everything she didn't want to deal with. For the most part, I was ok with this arrangement.* I just wanted her to be happy...even at my expense.* Over time, my feelings changed. Resentment & feelings of being taken for granted grew.


This is why you cannot leave. You are caught up in an emotional game with your wife that on some level you like.

It't not your wife's fault that you chose to keep taking care of everything. I'm not even sure I'll call that co-dependency, but instead it sounds passive aggressive. You choose to do everything, then you old it against your wife that you chose to do just about everything. And then you use it as the cover for your anger and resentment. That's classic passive aggressive behavior.

Doing things to make another person happy at your own expense is not healthy. It's not noble. It leads to anger and resentment.

If you do not fix this, you will carry it into every relationship you have because this is how you handle things.

Now why don't you leave your wife? Because you are comfortable on a very deep level with the dysfunction in your relationship with your wife. You also want two women. After all it's a great head trip to have two women wanting you. Classic cake eating.

How much does your wife know about your affair and your affair partner?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You would benefit from reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"


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## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

My wife has know about my girlfriend since before I moved out in May of 2012. I told her in December of 2013 that I wanted a divorce and shortly after that - within a couple of weeks - I told her that it was my intent to be with my girlfriend. She knows that my girlfriend and I are together and I have told her that I don't have any intention of that changing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bfs said:


> My wife has know about my girlfriend since before I moved out in May of 2012. I told her in December of 2013 that I wanted a divorce and shortly after that - within a couple of weeks - I told her that it was my intent to be with my girlfriend. She knows that my girlfriend and I are together and I have told her that I don't have any intention of that changing.


Does she know the demise of the marriage was because you were having an affair or did you spin it so that she believes you met this woman after your break up?


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## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

bfs said:


> My wife has know about my girlfriend since before I moved out in May of 2012.


Do YOU know the demise of the marriage was because I was having an affair? Or is that your assumption?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bfs said:


> Do YOU know the demise of the marriage was because I was having an affair? Or is that your assumption?


You are quoting yourself.

Nevertheless, did your wife know you were scrwing someone else?


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## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

I quoted myself because the answer to your question lies in the quote; my wife has known about the affair since BEFORE I moved out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

bfs said:


> I quoted myself because the answer to your question lies in the quote; my wife has known about the affair since BEFORE I moved out.


I think sta might be implying that your timelines don't add up. First you said that you moved out in may 2012 and then met this gf, but when asked if you were seeing gf before you moved out in may 2012 you said yes. This could lead some to ask if your gf was involved in the demise of your marriage. 

Perhaps you could clarify this?

I think you're still married because you want a reason not to get to committed to your gf because you're not ready for it. But you do realize that you've relegated her to cheap ho living with married man status? It's not fair. Let her move out and let yourself heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You need to live alone and sort your head out ( I feel sorry for your wife - not your GF, she had no business getting involved with a married/separated man). You have a foot in two relationships and really do not have a clue as to what you want. You are probably getting some sick satisfaction out of having a connection to both. Sorry to burst your bubble but no woman should touch you with a barge pole until you find out who you are and what you want from your life.


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## bfs (Jun 14, 2015)

I have known my girlfriend for a very long time. In a period of about 3 years, the relationship evolved from friends to more than friends, interspersed with several periods of no contact - sometimes her idea and sometimes mine. I don't see how this is relevant to my original post, and, in further replies, unless it can be shown where questions specific to my affair are leading and how they will help answer my original question, I will not answer them.

If I had wanted the focus on the affair, I would have been more forthright. Having been a voyeur on these boards for awhile and seen how heated these discussions can get, I was trying to keep the focus on the issue which led me to post; why would a person who wants a divorce and has a good reason to do so not just get the divorce? As I said, my situation is not unusual. Surely someone on these boards can lend some insight as to what makes a person balk at filing for divorce.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

bfs said:


> I have known my girlfriend for a very long time. In a period of about 3 years, the relationship evolved from friends to more than friends, interspersed with several periods of no contact - sometimes her idea and sometimes mine. I don't see how this is relevant to my original post, and, in further replies, unless it can be shown where questions specific to my affair are leading and how they will help answer my original question, I will not answer them.
> 
> If I had wanted the focus on the affair, I would have been more forthright. Having been a voyeur on these boards for awhile and seen how heated these discussions can get, I was trying to keep the focus on the issue which led me to post; why would a person who wants a divorce and has a good reason to do so not just get the divorce? As I said, my situation is not unusual. Surely someone on these boards can lend some insight as to what makes a person balk at filing for divorce.


You can't be serious...

Just because you want to take discussing the affair off the table doesn't mean it's not relevant.


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## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

If I did not know different, you could be my H.....Nearly same situation, except I moved out.

Please do not read my response as beat down. I merely would like to give you the other side of someone in your wife's position. I will try to be brief, even though I stink at that. Married 26 yrs. Believe my husband loves me but not in a way that is good for us. He has been having an affair with a longtime family friend of nearly 20 yrs. She works for him. Started out as friends, and through that now lovers. Emotional and Physical. I know about it. Even though he lies as says he doesn't want to hurt me. I took care of the kids, the house, the finances etc until 4 mos ago. A little different there. I have been codependent on him and after this many years probably him me to some degree.

As noted earlier, there is a deep rooted relationship with your wife. And other rooted relationship with your GF. Keeping both of the women hanging is really emotional abuse, in my opinion. I cannot tell you how my whole view of relationships and marriage has changed in the last year, because of his (your) choices to have you cake and eat it too. I will never and I mean never look at a relationship on an intimate level (emotional or otherwise) the same again. I had total faith and confidence in my H because I felt he would always be there for me. You know what, you are not there for her as you should be. Nor are you there for your girlfriend. Ok, enough of that. 

I do not know why either of you won't file for the D. My H won't either and he cant tell me why (or chooses not to). So, here I sit in my own place now, not wearing my wedding ring, supporting myself (yeah) and still married. Doesn't that sound ridiculous?? What is the point? I am now ready to file, yeah for me...but please, please stop wondering the "why" and just move on and let your wife move on. I did not think I could move on until I knew a definite answer from his lips that he was to divorce. I will never get that. He has the best of both worlds, as do you..the comfort of the wife that loves you and the girlfriend that fills your need of want. 

Hard position for you and I have tried to for months to understand it. I never will, nor will you or those that you drag with you. It simply keeps everyone, including yourself, in a type of jail. Please stop that and make a choice to do something, one way or the other. It is not fair to any of you living this way. Nothing is wrong with you, you are human....but it has been long enough. Time to stand up and give these women their lives back! (if they won't do it for themselves)


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Could be ego and a level of narcissism, we all have it and a rational mind that tries to rationalize things we do not understand, even our own behavior.

It could be as simple as security, other primates that have pair bonding also display this type of behavior where they will keep their old mates hooked and feel safe to explore another relationship. If the new relationship does not work out, then they go back to their old mates.

Perhaps, you should seek help in finding out your rationalization. You may not be as good of a person you think or believe yourself to be. Could be that the selfish gene is asserting themselves, or you are keeping your wife to punish her. Or, you could be keeping your wife around for safety reasons. Like most organisms, we value safety. You and your gf did have an off again and on again relationship.

You may be keeping your wife around because you do not want her at the moment, you still have a level of attachment for her, but you do not want her to move on either. It boils down to selfishness and possibly security as the root issues.

Without knowing more about your past, your childhood environment, it is hard and we can only speculate. Hence, you should seek therapy to figure yourself out first and find your motivation for doing this. A good therapist will act like a mirror to show what we may hide from ourselves.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

I understand what you are going through. I KNOW I need to be divorced and while we still live together, we may as well be separated because we are basically just roommates. I have a lawyer who has drawn up the papers that we had both originally agreed to but then he said he wouldn't sign them. 

I know most of the reason I haven't just gone ahead and filed is because of the kids but at the same time, I'm not sure I could go through with it anyway but I don't know exactly why.

You are not alone and many more couples live like this than you think. Your only problem is you brought another person into this who seems to have given up everything to be with you including moving so far away from her home. You need to consider that too.

I know her date to move has passed but if you are going to seriously date, then you need to file. Otherwise you need to choose to stay with your wife. 

I know it's not as simple as that but I would suggest not dating until you file and your divorce is final given your history. I don't mean to sound harsh but I was once that girlfriend to another person who had done the same thing to me and I know how it feels to pour your heart into a relationship only to have that promise of divorce broken. You seem like a good person wanting to keep your wife happy, but you didn't apply that to your GF. 

Nothing is wrong with you. Nobody WANTS to get divorced but sometimes the reality is that we have to. The saying "You can't have your cake and eat it to" comes to my mind here. But I also know that I'm putting off filing and that applies to me as well as many others. 

So know that you are not alone. You are maybe afraid of the unknown or just don't want that label. I don't know you so those are just guesses but one way or another, for your wife and any current or future relationships, you need to make a choice and stick with it. Again... Easier said than done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bfs said:


> I have known my girlfriend for a very long time. In a period of about 3 years, the relationship evolved from friends to more than friends, interspersed with several periods of no contact - sometimes her idea and sometimes mine. I don't see how this is relevant to my original post, and, in further replies, unless it can be shown where questions specific to my affair are leading and how they will help answer my original question, I will not answer them.
> 
> If I had wanted the focus on the affair, I would have been more forthright. Having been a voyeur on these boards for awhile and seen how heated these discussions can get, I was trying to keep the focus on the issue which led me to post; why would a person who wants a divorce and has a good reason to do so not just get the divorce? As I said, my situation is not unusual. Surely someone on these boards can lend some insight as to what makes a person balk at filing for divorce.


Avoidance therapy doesn't really help the patient overcome, it's just a temporary coping mechanism. Even though it feels nice to just cherry pick what we can and can't advise you on, few here are going to contribute when told what's off limits. The people here are too educated in these matters to buy it. 

No one can make you share, but many of the people on this board know what they're talking about. If you eat some of the humble pie being presented, it may help to open your eyes a little more. But it takes some vulnerability. Think on it. 

You really should be alone for a while imo. Let your gf go. Divorce your wife. Work on you. 

You seem to want to get to the heart of the matter without addressing the things that do and will have an impact.


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