# Devestated today....hacked e-mail and found husband looking for men



## KnickKnackM (Jan 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2 in May. This is my second marriage. I thought, until yesterday, that we had a great marriage. He is always attentive, always concerned with what I want in my life and our life together. Caring. Always told me that he would never cheat, because he knew what happened in my past, and he would never hurt me. So anti-cheating in fact, that I let my guard down, which I thought I should....in a marriage! 

Long story short, he left for a business trip. I thought he was acting strange. Guarding his phone, etc. So, I wanted to find out what was going on. I hacked his e-mail. Buried in the trash folder, I found him replying to personal ads......for men seeking men. For oral...and him saying that he is closeted bi. 

My first marriage was a sham. He was gay. I was young, and looking for a way out of where I was. Needless to say, after I got wise, and had enough, we got divorced. The resentment built and built. 

I don't know what to do this time around. I trusted him, until he started acting weird. Now, I have so much to loose, and I have no where to really go even if it came to me leaving. Do I not confront him until I can leave? Do I confront him and say we need to see a MC? 

I took screen shots of all the e-mails and the ads....but how the heck do I confront him? My whole world is falling down around my ears. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think. All I can do is listen to my heart pound and my tears fall and fall.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

First stop spending tears.
Stay in this forum, you will get a lot of inputs.
Take care of yourself.
Get yourself for STDs.
Have kids?


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## KnickKnackM (Jan 21, 2012)

No kids...just dogs. 

I am just so hurt and betrayed and blindsided that I can't think.....I don't know what to do....


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Stay on this forum.
It is normal to feel the way you are doing now.
You will get a lot of help here.

Tragic that you had gays in both the marriages....
WTF!


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## KnickKnackM (Jan 21, 2012)

yeah, tell me about it. And I really thought that this marriage would last forever. Before this we only had minor ups and downs. Nothing major. Until now......Now I just want to curl up and die. At least last time, I pretty much went into it with open eyes. This is just 100% betrayal, and I am quite literally sick over it


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dear KKM,

Am just coming from another horrible thread.

_Should you curl up and die for the fault of others?
Why should you suffer for no fault of yours?_

Allow these to set in. You will have answers and meaning in your life as time comes. Wait. Stay strong.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

well damn....if you have no kids in this situation I would say just divorce him trust me when I tell you, it's one thing to deal with regular affairs but when sexualities are in question you enter into a whole other realm of trouble. Not at all worth it if you ask me...I don't know whether you just have bad luck or you pick a certain kind of men but there are many straight guys out there that wouldn't leave you wondering about their sexuality....either way in this case you should divorce asap, for your mental and possibly physical well being


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

KKM, look at the bright side. At least you know there's no chance in saving a marriage where you don't have the plumbing he's attracted to. When it's plain to see there's no way to fix your "short comings", then your focus should be on you and YOUR future.
Believe me whenI say he will be the last thing you will miss once the split is complete.
Good luck.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you go to a lawyer and divorce. You have no children to tie you down. It bad enough that a spouse can cheat but in your case you have a previouse experience of the type of external validation and attention he is seeking.

Only after you file confront him then take each day as it comes.

Look after yourself, go to a doctor and explain you situation and spend time with trusted friends and family. Kick into the 180 now. 

Below from elsewhere

The Healing Heart: The 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the issue isn't that he's bi, the issue is that he is willing to betray you, lie to you and cheat on you


see a lawyer asap

read the newbie link in my signature


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Men just don't get curious about the darkside.....he is either Light or Dark. Run for the Hills!!!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

By hiding something this big from you, he is deeply betraying you and the foundation you've built. By doing this on the sly and concealing it and lying to you, he is disrespecting you. This is not your fault. You didn't make him a cheater, he chose to be a cheater.

First of all, one taking out ads for sex anywhere is taking risks with his health and yours. Get tested for STDs now. Make sure you also look for things like HPV, which don't usually get included in a secreening and which can lie dormant for some time. HIV, Hep C, Herpes, and all the rest. Get tested a couple of times, once now and once 6 months past your last sexual encounter.

Confront him with your evidence and see if he is willing to change his behavior. Even bisexual people are capable of monogamy; the problem isn't what gets him off but what he's willing to do to get off that puts you at risk...If he isn't willing to change, you have to leave him -- unless you want this to continue. This is more common than you might imagine. Keep reading posts.

It sucks and it hurts, but you will get through it! Write in a journal if it helps you! It helped me. And, get a therapist if you don't have one! That, too, helped me.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

damn this must hurt really bad i cant imagine

i will reply back with some helpful advice soon.

best of luck


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## Sherrynafehmft (Dec 9, 2011)

Dear Devastated today,

Please, know that you feelings and thought are normal. You have been betrayed and it takes time to deal what has come about. Please concentrate on your own well-being and allow friends and family to support you. Seeking Therapy will also be a great help, because it will put all your feelings and emotions in perspective and helps you figure out what you really want. No one can make that decision for you but yourself. Be well and remember that time heals all wounds.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the issue isn't that he's bi, the issue is that he is willing to betray you, lie to you and cheat on you
> 
> 
> see a lawyer asap
> ...


:iagree:

Forget about him. Take care of yourself. Don't hit the bottle. Go to a Doctor for meds to help with your emotions at this point. He was not and is not worth the pain he is causing you.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Most importantly get tested for STD's ASAP!! I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Keep posting and reading on this forum.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KnickKnackM,

I agree with the others about you just filing for divorce. He is exposing you to all kinds of STD's. People who find sexual encounters through ads are following a very dangerous lifestyle.

And you have unknowingly been a partipant in this lifestyle for a while. It's highly doubtful that you caught his first attempt at this type of sex.

Do you have access to his phone bill? Look for number he's calling that you do not know. It's a good chance that his other life will show up in his phone bill as well.

I would also search all of his belongings to see what else you find. Sometimes there are bits on such a life style in pockets, desk & dresser drawers.

When you confront him he will most likley lie as most cheating spouses do. He will tell you that this was the only time and he never went through with it. Don't believe it.

If you have nowhere to go, perhaps you can text him and tell him that you know about his meeting men for sex. That you do not want him anywhere near the place you live and you are filing for divorce.

The alternative is to find another place to live. Do you have joint bank accounts with him? If so open checking/savings accounts in your name only and put half of that money in your acounts. Then go rent yourself a place to live.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Just remember, that in heterosexual pursuit of sex, it's the woman who says "no". In male homosexual relationships, "no" is a pretty rare word. I don't believe in bi men (to me they are gay men trying to fit into a straight world). But if they do exist, a "bi" man will cruise where rejection is rarest. And like someone above posted, I doubt you caught him in his first try at soliciting gay sex. Name a price. That is how much I will bet you that he will say he's never done it before and was just curious as to what it would be like.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you can't look at sexual preferences as a pure hetero, **** or bi standpoint- it's like a meter with hetero being 1 and **** being 10, there are varying degrees


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> the issue isn't that he's bi, the issue is that he is willing to betray you, lie to you and cheat on you
> 
> 
> see a lawyer asap
> ...


AR I gotta disagree. I think its BOTH! She will never be able to fully satisfy him. So yes he is a cheater but he is also bi. That will forever be a problem even if he stops cheating.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> AR I gotta disagree. I think its BOTH! She will never be able to fully satisfy him. So yes he is a cheater but he is also bi. That will forever be a problem even if he stops cheating.



that's like saying a hetero man can only be satisfied by many women, it's simply not true (I have a bi friend who has been faithful and satisfied to the best of my knowledge in a marriage for 15 years)

and while there are bi-men/women who can't be monogamous, there are many hetero men/women who can't be monogamous


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> that's like saying a hetero man can only be satisfied by many women, it's simply not true (I have a bi friend who has been faithful and satisfied to the best of my knowledge in a marriage for 15 years)
> 
> and while there are bi-men/women who can't be monogamous, there are many hetero men/women who can't be monogamous


unfortunately I have some experience here so I still disagree but I respect your opinion.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Doesn't matter. He's cheating. It's just easier to find a man willing to perform dangerous casual sex on you than a woman.


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## Mikael (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi, I am so sorry to hear this is going on for you, here is some perspective for you from a married man who did this and admitted to it over a year and half ago.
It is the hardest thing to have to exist as a man, being BI, and no it is not a gay person hiding at all, being BI-Sexual is and has been proven as a definitve preference. I am not looking for excuses or any kind of sympathy or understanding. Just want you to know it is best to get all the cards on the table now, you both reveal exactly how you feel and how or why this has happened. If you both want to repar things and take the steps to do so, then sit down time is needed and revealing of all will ....for him it will become a burden off his shoulders which will then fall squarely onto yours. You should do this with a marriage counselor if at all possible... after agreeing with each other on what outcome the counseling will have for you both, repair, or divorce. 
In my situation I have many personal issues which I surpressed, being abused sexually and getting stuck in that mentality emotionally, I wanted and still do want a happy life with my family that is what fulfills me as a person, even though I go in and out of thinking otherwise. What I am learning is I do not need to do these things in order to have a male friend, at a basic level it is a need to have male closeness that I crave not male sex, it is what was impressed upon me during my formative years, with the combination of an absent and abusive dad the ingredients for someone to come along and offer what I thought was finally acceptance was really not, it was to fulfill their own needs while swaying me into believing it was THE way to fulfill mine. Your mind gets programmed and reprogramming takes time. It gets hard to delve into but I am sure your husband is not looking to merely get off as others here are intimating to you. He did this, he made a choice to continue with hurting himself and now you, that is the ultimate betrayal here, not getting the help he needed a long time ago as I did as well. 
A year into this and gone through therapy individually and with my wife, having some friends support and others it is still very very hard. She wants me to open up more and that is the only way to keep this from happening again, he has to open up and speak about it all to you, you do have to think of yourself first, think if going down this road is worth it to you. My life is now about deciding to accept that she does not have to forgive me, I chose to marry and I chose to cheat and I chose to keep things about me hidden from the one person who gave all of herself to me. I was unfair and deceitful...time to admit my wrongs and move forward in life. For me that is what is ahead.
I wish I had revealed this about myself to her years ago, and that I went to someone immediatley during my formative years. 
For now it is best to not do anything rash, yes take of yourslef by all means, make an appointment with a counselor and get everything out so you know where your baseline is with each other then go from there. Please be honest with each other at the very first juncture as it will get better fromt hat point forward. 
Life is never going to be a black and white experience...there is plenty of gray and you can clear the way with honesty and planning how to best get through this together or not. I do not want to lose my wife, as a spouse first, then as a friend second...she does now have the ability and my support fully to choose what she wants to do and I will give her eternity to decide.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Oh I'm so sorry this is happening to you. As others said, get tested for STDs asap. Tell the OB/ dr that you suspect your husband might have had gay encounters.

Hi might be bi, he might be confused, he might be closeted gay, he might be "just curious" (though who is really just curious about getting a blow job from another guy?), but do you want to be the one who helps him figure it out? He might never figure it out. 

I have a friend whose wife decided/ discovered she is a lesbian-- even without cheating involved this is absolutely devastating to the straight spouse. There is a support network online, I think it's called str8 spouse -- I don't know if they have a newsgroup or message board but try googling it. They have support groups, meet ups, a whole network of help. 

I have often suspected my husband might be gay but have zero evidence and he swears he's not. For a time I drove myself crazy trolling craigslist gay hook up ads for his area where he works, trying to find one that might match his description. I never found anything, but quickly learned that casual gay hookups are a whole other ballgame when it come to risky sex. PLEASE get an std screen immediately and don't have any sexual contact with your husband. He's put you at terrible risk.


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## Buddysnude (Mar 26, 2012)

OK, let's slow down and think about this, before whipping out the divorce card in this marriage. You know your husband more than anyone else here, so I would stop freaking out and make sure your suspicions are founded. Remember, you are not only his wife, but his best friend too, so be his best friend and talk to him about what you have found. Don't be argumentative, do it calmly, because men will shut down in defense and deny everything. 
But before talking to him, ask yourself some questions about your sex life and use these questions and answers to open the door of communication before revealing to him what you found. If he was searching in general online doesn't mean he is cheating, it may be that he is curious. anyway, back to some questions to ask yourself.
1. has the frequency of love making decreased?
2. has he wanted to try new things in bed recently?
3. do you give and receive equally having oral sex?
4. have you tried anal? if so, what is his reaction to it?
5. what are your fantasies? what is his?
I am sure you can come up with more questions. the bottom line is that if he has not cheated, and he is curious about being with another male, then embrace it, buy a strap-on, spice up your marriage. I do hope you all the best.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Buddysnude said:


> OK, let's slow down and think about this, before whipping out the divorce card in this marriage. You know your husband more than anyone else here, so I would stop freaking out and make sure your suspicions are founded. Remember, you are not only his wife, but his best friend too, so be his best friend and talk to him about what you have found. Don't be argumentative, do it calmly, because men will shut down in defense and deny everything.
> But before talking to him, ask yourself some questions about your sex life and use these questions and answers to open the door of communication before revealing to him what you found. If he was searching in general online doesn't mean he is cheating, it may be that he is curious. anyway, back to some questions to ask yourself.
> 1. has the frequency of love making decreased?
> 2. has he wanted to try new things in bed recently?
> ...


Emphatic nooooooo to this. It isn't a wake-up call to spice up your sex life, it is a betrayal by someone.

When I went to college, my ex "decided" he wanted to explore his sexuality and see if he was bi. I gave him an emphatic no- if you are in a relationship, why does it even *matter* whether you are bi or not? You either love the person you are with or you don't- has nothing to do with being bi.

He got resentful that I was stifling him because he wanted to go to gay bars "to see what it was like." He started pressuring me to have anal and to roleplay during sex. I gave him what he wanted, trying to make it work. In the end though, I found out he cheated on me with men and women and had been gaslighting me the whole time about how I didn't trust him.

People who are confused about their sexuality while they are in a relationship seem to tend to take it out on their SO. It becomes entirely about how the SO is somehow preventing them from being themselves even though all the SO wants is a loving relationship. It doesn't *matter* whether this guy is bi or not, it doesn't *matter* how good their sex life is- he is choosing to get sex outside the marriage. 

That is betrayal, and it isn't a "consolation" that it is because she "doesn't have the right plumbing" (as someone mentioned earlier) because if he legitimately preferred being with men he could have left instead of exposing her to STDs and selfishly stringing her along.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Men just don't get curious about the darkside.....he is either Light or Dark. Run for the Hills!!!


Of course not.

There are no "Real" Bi men in the world.


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