# Would simply giving up sex help?



## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

From reading this forum I evidently am in a marriage where my wife is clearly LD. We are in a long-term marriage, kids grown and out of the house. We generally get along great and I love being with her. However, she has always been LD and sex frequency has continued to diminish to now maybe twice a month and usually is just mercy sex.

This has caused increased frustration and hurt on my part. To the point I am beginning to wonder if it might be better just to tell her that I don't want sex anymore so don't bother. Would certainly end the ongoing disappointment I have most days. And would end the pressure she evidently feels.

Anybody ever try this approach?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Here is a thread where a man gives up on sex: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/281738-called-quits.html
If you read the responses, you will get a good idea of how people will respond to you as well.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

RobQ said:


> Anybody ever try this approach?


Check out username @woundedwarrior's threads. He and his wife are strictly roommates now. He's feeling much less stress these days.

Personally, I couldn't do it. In fact, I didn't. I divorced after being in a basically sexless 20-year marriage.

_*ETA: Cynthia and I linked to the same User, lol._


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

RobQ said:


> From reading this forum I evidently am in a marriage where my wife is clearly LD. We are in a long-term marriage, kids grown and out of the house. We generally get along great and I love being with her. However, she has always been LD and sex frequency has continued to diminish to now maybe twice a month and usually is just mercy sex.
> 
> This has caused increased frustration and hurt on my part. To the point I am beginning to wonder if it might be better just to tell her that I don't want sex anymore so don't bother. Would certainly end the ongoing disappointment I have most days. And would end the pressure she evidently feels.
> 
> Anybody ever try this approach?


Although I didn't tell her I don't want sex anymore, because that is not true, I have stopped initiating and expect nothing. It has done nothing to improve our relationship. I simply don't care anymore to let it bother me. The only thing it has changed is that I no longer care if anything I do will effect our sex life. It's kind of like when you stop banging your head against the wall it feels good.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I tried it in the terminal stages of my first marriage. It was easier doing completely without than dealing with constant rejection. It helped make it clear that it was time to move on, too. So yes, it helped.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Basically throwing in the towel will help with the frustration. To me nothing builds more frustration then getting your hopes up for sex only to walk away empty handed.

So you have talked to her about the issue? If so, what is her response? In general how is the sex itself, you mentioned mercy sex, does it appear like she doesn't enjoy it?

I think really the question, would you ever consider leaving her over sex? If not you have two choices (1) throw in the towel or (2) keep an open dialogue with her to the point where hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I tried it years ago and it was a disaster. While the sex related frustrations subsided, they simply remanifested themselves as good old fashioned resentment. That undercurrent of anger just let to lots of arguments about bull**** items that had nothing to do with the core issue. A slow withdrawal followed where we were roommates avoiding each other in the marriage and household. This and other factors pulled the marriage down the drain to a very ugly path.

We reconciled with a lot of work but the HD/LD issues were still there. It was not until she finally understood that physical and sexual intimacy is a need for me. For me to feel happy and fulfilled in the marriage, it had to be present. Just like the things she needs from me to be happy. We had that conversation over 3 years ago and it has never been an issue since. We have been together for over 30 years.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RobQ said:


> From reading this forum I evidently am in a marriage where my wife is clearly LD. We are in a long-term marriage, kids grown and out of the house. We generally get along great and I love being with her. However, she has always been LD and sex frequency has continued to diminish to now maybe twice a month and usually is just mercy sex.
> 
> This has caused increased frustration and hurt on my part. * To the point I am beginning to wonder if it might be better just to tell her that I don't want sex anymore so don't bother. * Would certainly end the ongoing disappointment I have most days. And would end the pressure she evidently feels.
> 
> *Anybody ever try this approach?*


There are a number of men in this forum who have LD wives and yet have managed to figure out and negotiate a sex life that they can live with. 

I would not recommend that you tell her you no longer want to have sex with her as that may be something she wants and you will regret because it is not true.

The most common approach that seems to work is to recognize that you and your wife are training each other and so even if you feel like a complete victim, you are probably part of the problem, whether you know it or not.

My suggestion to you is to start by doing some serious reading. MW Davis, Sex Starved Marriage; Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy; and Chapman's 5 Languages of Love.

Davis and Glover books are complementary in that they both suggest you start by changing yourself so that you can try for the sex life you want. They both suggest that you Get a Life, which is to become less co-dependent upon your wife and less dependent upon her approval or validation. You need to start doing things that make you happy and a more interesting. This will make you much more attractive to your wife and she will be more interested in you. Both also suggest exercise and getting in better shape.

Davis stresses doing 180's which is looking at your marriage as a social science experiment where you use trial and error to find out what produces desired sexual results in your wife, which you reward. The idea is that you know what doesn't work, so try something different.

Glover, suggests dropping all covert contracts. That is stop doing things for your wife, where you think she will appreciate it and have sex with you, which she won't. You need to stop doing that and just do things for her that you want to do. Basically learn to provide her with unconditional love.

Both also recommend backing off from pressuring your wife to have sex with you. So your instinct and your question about not pressuring her for sex is right on, just don't tell her you don't want sex with her. 

You need to understand that you can't change your wife. Only she can change herself. You can change yourself. You can inspire her that change is possible. You can also reinforce changes she chooses to make that you like.

One common sex therapist strategy is for have a couple abstain from sex for a while then re-program them by starting with sensate focus exercises, gradually building up to PIV sex in maybe a month or so. However, it is known from the beginning that sex is not being done away with, but being postponed so that other sensations can be relearned and so that bad habits can be corrected.


Good luck.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I tried it in the terminal stages of my first marriage. It was easier doing completely without than dealing with constant rejection. It helped make it clear that it was time to move on, too. So yes, it helped.


This is what I did. After the marriage ended I took 12 months to sort out my own issues and the fall out of all those painful years (still dealing with it 5 yrs post separation). Have since moved on to a compatible relationship and would never go back to a non sexual existence.

And just to point out to *Young at heart *that there are as many if not more women on this forum dealing with LD husbands.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

RobQ said:


> From reading this forum I evidently am in a marriage where my wife is clearly LD. We are in a long-term marriage, kids grown and out of the house. We generally get along great and I love being with her. However, she has always been LD and sex frequency has continued to diminish to now maybe twice a month and usually is just mercy sex.
> 
> This has caused increased frustration and hurt on my part. To the point I am beginning to wonder if it might be better just to tell her that I don't want sex anymore so don't bother. Would certainly end the ongoing disappointment I have most days. And would end the pressure she evidently feels.
> 
> Anybody ever try this approach?


I've taken this approach. Although I've spoke with my husband about the sex issue for a while I'm now at a point where I don't really care. I haven't been the best wife and have issues but I'm sure he would still be LD even if I was Superwife. 

I'm tired of trying to get him excited about sex. I don't feel sexy anymore. I'm 47 and I'm going to keep working out and taking care of my skin but I'm going to forget about sex. There are other things I can do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What's your definition of 'help'?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While walking away from marital sex because of the LD/HD varience, don't throw in the towel until you've made an honest effort at working through the problem in finding answers through the venues of MC, sex therapy, and medicine!

Sex is a natural human phenomenon that should be frequently practiced by loving couples to further bond and cement their R, much rather than divide and trash it by veering away from it out of fear or sheer complacency!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't know why you're even bothering to announce no more sex to her. Its not like it's going to be shocking and surprising news. It's not like you're making a giant sacrifice you haven't already accepted. It'll just make you look butt hurt and she probably won't care to listen to your reasoning. Just carry on as you are without asking or seeking, if that's what you want. 

Make a decision and follow through. Talking will do zip.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP, does she want to improve her sex life? Does she want it to get better? There is a difference between someone who is LD and doesn't care and someone who is LD and wants to improve, but doesn't know how. How much have you discussed this with her?

There are ways for her to improve her libido. Many many women suffer from this, and many who have wanted their libido to improve have sought out ways to make it happen. Where does your wife fall? If everything else in marriage is good, then why won't she put effort into fixing this?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How about just simply asking her if having a marriage devoid of intimacy is what she wants?

If it is, tell her you cannot live that way, and that you will free her to find someone more compatible.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## calvinandhobbes (Jul 11, 2014)

In reply to your original question: yes. Giving up sex explicitly can be a help. It takes away the endless stress of wondering 'Will we have sex this weekend?' 'Is there some new medical treatment/therapy/book/miracle that might change things for the better. There's a certain peace to be gained by giving up on sex. I speak from personal experience. After 30 years in an increasingly low sex marriage, I decided that we were really going to have to work together to improve things, go to a sex therapist together... And the result of that was that my wife came out to me and to herself as a lesbian, albeit now an asexual one. So we're still together, for practical, financial and relationship reasons. We have a really good marriage in every way except for the sex. A big exception, I know! But she has zero desire for me, so pity sex had become more and more like non-resisting rape. And what I most want is not so much sex, an orgasm, as to be desired, to have a physical relationship. So sex outside marriage won't do it.

So no sex at all for three years; some cuddles, but nothing sexual at all. And now a certain level of peace about it. Again, armies of advice, when I share on-line, that I should get out and start again. But we're both in our 60s... So we remain faithful to our original promises, 'until death do us part', but we have put into words a proviso: 'or until one or the other of us finds a new love of our lives, but neither of us is looking for that'.

In the eyes of others, we have a great marriage. For me, it's something of a failure, but for a mixed orientation marriage, it's quite a success. Make sense?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It depends wghat kind of individual you are.

How important is sex to you?

Is taking care of yourself a reasonable long term option?

Can you live without sex and mentally quit without building tons of poisonous resentment towards your wife? 

Do you genuinely love your wife and happy with her in other regards?

The answers to these question will help you determine whether you can be a happy bachelor within your marriage.

After I realized what a train wreck my ex was, i did it for several years, never asked her for sex and was reasonably happy. It can be done.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You haven't asked the obvious question first. Why is she acting this way? 

Once you know this, you have an understanding of whether it could be fixed with DIY or pro help or not at all.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

It sucks. It's like being a dog who's chained to a tree and right in front of you, 6 inches from your nose, is the biggest, juiciest rib-eye you've ever seen (Disclaimer: in no way am I trying to compare my wife to a piece of meat). It's so close I can taste it but I just... can't... reach. And this dog really really really likes rib-eyes. 

[email protected]#$ Now I'm drooling all over my desk.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

If you are deep down thinking it might jolt her to say 'no don't do that I will participate' I can tell you from experience that she'll most likely oblige your suggestion of abstinence. Right now you are at every two weeks but if you go with you plan it will end for good. Simple as that - I am at 1.5 yrs :\
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

KendalMintcake said:


> If you are deep down thinking it might jolt her to say 'no don't do that I will participate' I can tell you from experience that she'll most likely oblige your suggestion of abstinence. Right now you are at every two weeks but if you go with you plan it will end for good. Simple as that - I am at 1.5 yrs :\
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm getting used to it. I'm not sure how this will work out in the long run but for now I'm OK.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I tried it in the terminal stages of my first marriage. It was easier doing completely without than dealing with constant rejection. It helped make it clear that it was time to move on, too. So yes, it helped.



Unless both are okay with exporting that need elsewhere. Just work on other intimate parts of a relationship to keep it viable. Of course, this would take a lot of trust.

Sometimes the solution is to go outside the box if the relationship is worth saving.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you believe your wife has a low sex drive, why does it hurt you if she does not want to have sex?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I've given up - my wife has zero drive and other items (mainly things related to her immaturity/insecurity/general laziness/stressing out about minor things such as kids whining) have gotten me to the point where I don't even want to be around her, let alone have sex with her. Also the fact that she's put back on the 50 lbs she dropped and has no desire to try to get back in shape has me not desiring her. 

If your spouse has no drive and views sex as a chore, maybe your drive will go down as well - eliminates the problem of no sex.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

a couple of times I went the "no initiate" route figuring giving up sex would be ok. i figured the frustration of not having sex was better than hoping for it, trying and getting shot down. or worse, having my wife say something like "lets plan on having sex in the morning, getting my hopes up only to have her change her mind in the morning.

but as someone else mentioned, the frustration grows. know that your wife is physically and mentally able to have sex but is just not interested despite the number of times you've explained how important it is to the marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If she loves you, she will not constrain you to a life that you feel unfulfilled in. 

There are all kinds of solutions to this problem. Since she's the gatekeeper, she should be part of this solution -- again, if she loves you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not if she loves herself more


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I sometimes wonder if all available men and women shouldn't just wear a sign around their neck saying whether they are HD or LD. I think simply finding a match in this department would eliminate the source of alot of marital problems.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

KJ_Simmons said:


> I sometimes wonder if all available men and women shouldn't just wear a sign around their neck saying whether they are HD or LD. I think simply finding a match in this department would eliminate the source of alot of marital problems.


Except for those who would pretend to be HD just to get someone in their web


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RobQ said:


> From reading this forum I evidently am in a marriage where my wife is clearly LD. We are in a long-term marriage, kids grown and out of the house. We generally get along great and I love being with her.
> 
> ....This has caused increased frustration and hurt on my part. To the point I am beginning to wonder if it might be better just to tell her that I don't want sex anymore so don't bother. * Would certainly end the ongoing disappointment I have most days.* And would end the *pressure she evidently feels.*
> 
> Anybody ever try this approach?


You have gotten a lot of good feedback and suggestions. I don't see any responses from you, which would help. I was in your shoes once and feedback and suggestions from others helped me a lot.

A couple of additional comments if you are still looking at this thread.

First, if you do say, "Honey, I know that my wanting sex with you puts you under a lot of pressure and I have decided to stop having sex with you......" I would add the words "...for X-months, so that you can heal and recover emotionally from where you are. During that time, I do want us to touch, but not sexually, and I do want us to talk about our emotions and feelings...." I would never suggest that even in a sex starved marriage that you even hint at never having sex again. If you really do want to say it is for 2 months or 3 months and put the "restart" date on a calendar you both see every day. Maybe even plan a vacation or weekend in a hotel for the restart date. Stopping pressuring for sex is a good idea, but if you are following the wisdom of MW Davis in her book the Sex Starved Marriage, you want your sex holiday to be a "180." A 180 is trying something different to see if it brings better results. If a 180 doesn't bring better results, drop it and try a different 180.

From everything I have read and experienced your situation sounds like you and she are angry with each other or have deeply hurt each others feelings, ego's and dreams of the future. Long term married couples know how their partner feels and when their partner is upset with them. 

If you want things to change you will need to forgive her for hurting you and she will need to forgive you for what you have done that has hurt her. As MW Davis points out it takes one of you to forgive first and it really doesn't matter which one forgives first if you want to get to "happily every after." 

When I was in your shoes I thought of everything from maybe asking a doctor for medicine that would kill my libido, exhausting myself so I was too tired to desire sex with my wife. I also thought of how I could turn no-sex into something sex-like, chastity games, tease & denial, etc. Ultimately, I realized my wife didn't want to do anything that would make me happy. If she wanted to make me happy, we would have had sex. My wife really wanted me to be miserable, she wanted to punish me because she was angry with me for things she felt I had done to her.

While I initially didn't realize that I had hurt my wife emotionally, I ultimately learned that I had and that I was part of the problem. Initially, I felt like the victim whose frigid wife no longer wanted to have sex with him. We were co-victims and we had been conditioning each other for years before our marriage became a sex starved marriage.

I wish you and your wife luck. But to again answer your question, NO, don't give up on sex with your wife, it is too important for a happy marriage.


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## calvinandhobbes (Jul 11, 2014)

Our problem - I think - is HER problem and not MY problem. I think that if she is unable to offer any form of compromise, when she deeply cares for me, loves me in her own way (without any desire, she's a lesbian, in her attractions), and she knows how hard I find this, how frustrated I am, it is that she is, at least at present, unable to confront something in her past. Totally unrelated to me. A wise friend who's know us both for 30 years, like me, suspects childhood abuse. So how to lovingly lead a partner to want to examine the un-examined and the deeply painful? And in the meantime, what can I do to maintain my own sanity and encourage some sense of peace...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did this evolve time wise? Slowly over time? Suddenly?

What kind of shape are the two of you in?


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

While you could tell her that you don't want sex anymore, that would not really be true. Clearly you do. It may end the feelings of disappointment, but more likely it will actually increase the feelings of despair and your sexual tension. I write from personal experience, and that is what happened to me. It is a strategy that will not work. Gradually you will drift further and further apart until nothing is left. The love you have for her will slowly erode. Nope, you need to get what you can and keep feelings alive. I would not be too worried about the "pressure" she feels. She must handle that. What about how you feel?


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