# The feeling of "feeling like crap"



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So our divorce is proceeding. We did come up with an agreement on the parenting plan/money part. Husband who filed for divorce after I busted him on the affair(that he still flatly denies since confrontation date Mar 23, 2010) is acting really nice to me in the last few weeks.

1. He is home a lot more(and so is the OW whose divorce is almost final)
2. Asks if I need help with this or that
3. We spend more time with the baby doing things like family, we even went to dinner the 3 of us the other night. Something we have not done at all in the last 9 months since he started acting strange.
4. He offered to buy us a TV, DVD, microwave, indoor grill and few other things that son and I will need for our apartment in Canada(he is staying here in the US). He basically told me to buy what I need to take to Canada since most things are cheaper here. He made me a financial offer way back in May to which I did not respond up to now. I basically asked for double of what he offered and he agreed.

Now I am not doing anything to be mean or revengeful(no love busters so to speak) but I do feel sad that he is able to put a price tag on our family. To me it does not matter if I get $1000 or $1,000,000 in settlement when our family won't be together anymore. I find that really sad. When we were buying the stuff the other day I almost had to remind myself that this was not for OUR home. It almost feels like we are not getting divorced just son and I moving away.

Now I know he is either feeling guilty or is trying to shut me up not to speak about his affair since I have enough incriminating evidence to get him in trouble with the previous employer. He is in really good mood, cracking jokes around our son(19 month old baby). 

Despite the affair(that is only alleged in his mind) I offered separation to work on our marriage but no, he wants divorce. I am still to find out the "real" reasons for this divorce because the story he gave me way back in Feb(before I had proof of the affair) just did not add up and it still does not.

My neighbour whom I told about all this said to me the other day that if someone saw us interacting outside of the home, nobody would think a divorce was going on here.

Sorry I had to vent somewhere. We are leaving for Canada around Aug 10 but the divorce won't be official until around end of Sep.

I would like to know if anyone else has gone through similar feelings


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Be strong,

I think all of us have felt the same way and sometimes continue to feel the same way. I, for example, felt like crap when I was about and when i moved out of the house we shared. All those memories left behind, but humans good at suffering but also raising from the ashes and learn. I found these 4 step process in a book I was reading yesterday and pretty much I can say that I am in the last stage, JUST starting and swinging back and forth between 3 and 4. It is normal to swing back and forth between stages temporarily but is not likely that we will completely regress. 

1) Terror time: Initial separation and the feeling that everything in life is now out of control.
2) Mourning Time: Laying the past marriage to rest in your feelings, in the same way you mourn the loss of a loved one who died, since divorce is indeed a death, the death of a relationship.
3) Living-in-the-present time: Responding skillfully to each new day as a challenge to ensure that the best in your life is yet to come, rather than as a remembrance of past pleasures.
4)Self-renewal time: the product of experiencing the three previous processes so that you arrive at a stage of being where you wonder why you ever thought is was impossible to survive happily both physically and emotionally on your own.

Very helpful to at least distinguish how much progress we are making


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I guess I am at number 2 now. It just amazes me that someone like my husband can put a dollar sign on his family and not even have the decency to take responsibility for his actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

My sister's husband had multiple affairs over 20 years ago. They have been divorced (both remarried) for a long time. They live in different parts of the country. She left with their 7 y/o to another state. Several years ago, she received a letter of apology from him. I think most waywards have tremendous guilt, but only some can admit their wrongdoing immediately. For some (like my former B-In Law), it can take a very long time. She hates him (truly), kept the letter...


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I just find it disgusting to think that son and I are nothing more than a business transaction to him. I told him that last night. Every time when I say something along the lines of how much I am hurt or if I make reference to the affair he just runs away.

At the same time it seems like he is scared s*** that I don't go back to his former employer and show them the evidence because that can get him in a lot of legal trouble.

Just out of curiosity is your ex BIL cheating on his current wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I just find it disgusting to think that son and I are nothing more than a business transaction to him. I told him that last night. Every time when I say something along the lines of how much I am hurt or if I make reference to the affair he just runs away.

At the same time it seems like he is scared s*** that I don't go back to his former employer and show them the evidence because that can get him in a lot of legal trouble. I think they were just questioning one of his cell phone bills and he only submitted the summary page for his expenses. On it there is a 84min phone call from Mexico to his mistress(who also worked at the same company). 

Just out of curiosity is your ex BIL cheating on his current wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> I guess I am at number 2 now. It just amazes me that someone like my husband can put a dollar sign on his family and not even have the decency to take responsibility for his actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look up denial, it's the most primitive form of self defence systems.

Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Bob


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Look up denial, it's the most primitive form of self defence systems.
> 
> Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Bob


I looked it up. It has my husband's name printed all over that article.

My neighbour thinks that he is already starting to feel guilty but has no courage to say it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Some people just can't admit they were ever wrong.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So yesterday my husband continues with his nice attitude. He asked me if I needed the oil changed in my car(I get to keep the car). Aug 1 is his bday and few days later is my bday. I wonder should I get him a card from son and I or just from our son or just not even acknowledge the day.

Yesterday I got a call from MIL first one in a while to ask how I was doing. I told her I was busy packing and her son seemed to be in a good mood considering we are getting divorced. She started crying saying:I am sorry there is nothing I can do anymore.

Go and figure the mind of the wayward spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

NRTQ - I saw my ex BIL at my nephew's wedding two years ago. Both he and his wife (his affair w/ her was the straw that broke the camel's back many years ago.) They both are now extremely obese. He used to be a political big shot in his state. Go figure....

Bob, thanks for the denial link. I, too, saw my H all over it. A former therapist of mine pegged him as a deniaholic years ago. I love the "denial of denial." So true....


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Last night he tells me he is going to some tennis camp in VT the weekend when I am supposed to leave to go back home. I checked online and the camp is not until the following weekend. He either has plans with her that weekend or he just tries to avoid to be here during my departure. Why does he still have to lie?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Because he's a liar?

Bob


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Because he's a liar?
> 
> Bob


We know he is a liar but what purpose do his lies serve now when it is almost all done?

I am now questioning if he was really like this all these 9 years we have been together or did this affair turn him into a master of lies and deception? Up until last year I would have given my right arm before I could believe he was capable of inflicting so much pain. None of his friends believe his behaviour and many of them know him even longer than I do.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi NRTQ,
A liar lies becaue they wont accept responsibility. An honest person tells the truth because they will accept responsibility. Why is he lying? Only he will know the reasons for that. And when asked he'd probably lie about the reasons as well.

It's "crazy making" stuff for the person who's being deceived. We just don't understand the liars reasoning, just can't understand their motivations.

More lies follow the original lie just to keep "covering up" the original offence. My wife couldn't ever have got back to the "truth" even if she'd wanted to.

Bob


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I was thinking of writing him one last letter before I leave(not that he has responded to the other 3 I have written in the last 9 months). Do you think I should bother at all considering that nothing seems to get through to his thick head(or maybe it does?)?

It's just feels like there are so many things unsaid between us especially since he does not want to discuss the "alleged" affair nor any problems that might have contributed to it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m left with questions I know I’ll never get answers to. It’s part of the acceptance phase. Unanswered questions? I’ve just accepted I’ll never get the answers.

I can’t answer your question, tell you what you should do. For me it’s time for rebuilding and refocusing my life.

The past does indeed become the past and in time the present and future are put back in their rightful place, at the forefront of our minds.

Bob


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Today I found out that husband is trying to get some other money from the previous company. I guess in the course of the conversation he confirmed that these people don't know that we are divorcing and that is the reason why son and I are going back to Canada. So he is really nice to me because I can talk I guess.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he were there, he'd have to look you straight in the face for the last time and see the truth of his faults. He will never be able to do that.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I just got an email from the wife of one of his former colleagues, who has also known me for very long time. Apparently my H and him spoke on the phone yesterday and they are getting together for lunch on monday. H told him that we were getting a divorce and that everything changed when we moved to CT and that I could not adjust to life here and I was unhappy, blah, blah, blah. But this former collegue and his wife were also one of the first people I told about his affair and they are not stupid they understand emails. It just drives me nuts that he is spreading stories like that.

So when you and your spouse are not happy about something do you just get a divorce? Is that the solutions of all marriage problems. What an idiot!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once the divorce is final, you might want to consider sending out a 'correction' letter to everyone.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So on Friday H went out for drinks with "friends" or her I don't know. I emailed him to ask him if on Sat evening we can go out one last time as family for dinner b4 son and I move back to Canada. He said he would love to do that and he said we can also do that on Sun which is today and it is also his bday.

So last night we went out, had good time with son. We only talked and joked about son. I waited until dessert time and then I gave him a bday card signed from son(20months) only and a framed photo of son and him. He started crying and got up to thank me and hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He was visibly moved I can tell. So today is his bday. I was not going to give him anything but do I say something? Ironically, my own bday is in a week but I will be back in Canada by then.

Obviously we are still in the same house. Few days in the mail I also got bday card(one of those "to my DIL cards") from my MIL.

What do you guys think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Honestly, I would take the high road and say something like.."I hope you have many Happy Birthdays ahead of you." The more I take the high road, the better I sleep. Something along those lines does not make you look needy or weak, just a kind woman that is getting a divorce from this man. 

I love the idea that they cannot look back (even if it is years from now) and say you were anything but a class act.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I agree with tunera, after the divorce expose it all. Once the affair is out in the open it will fall apart.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Cmf I don't understand your last reply? Were you replying in regards to my last question about saying something about his bday? Or did you reply to the wrong post 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I wouldn't go out of my way to wish him happy bday unless you really want to. The card was a very nice gesture.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I bought a card but I did not end up giving it to him. We did still go out last night, had a good time. I don't know how many spouses actually have a good time just before divorce but he was acting the old himself. 

So for his bday he only got the card and the framed photo(son and him) and that was it. 

I really don't know what to think anymore of him.

He is almost acting like a bipolar person. One minute he goes balistic over something I change in the agreement, then he calms down and talks like a normal human being. Another moment he cracks up jokes about son or some other general topic. These last two nights and the dinners almost felt like dates and they almost reminded me of the time when we started dating. This is so confusing. I tried to stay in a good mood and not show how much I am hurting because I am sick of feeling sad and I don't want to project anymore of that mood to our 20 month old son.

All these times he keeps telling me that if I need something for son or whatever else just to tell him he will bring it from the US(a lot of things are cheaper here than in Canada) or he would ask me if need to take some items from the house now with me

My mom is coming tomorrow and to help and the movers are going to be here on Wed and Thursday. Thursday afternoon we are leaving by car so we will see how that goodbye is going to look like.

.


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