# Emotional Cheating...or not?



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

I recently found out my longterm boyfriend had what seemed like emotional affairs over the internet on MSN Messenger.

It started with me, foolishly running a quick search on engagement rings on his computer to see if he had any saved chats with his friends on the topic. Ironically, what I found couldn't have been further from what I was thinking about.

I found his saved conversations with at least two other women that he has been talking to very inappropriately online. To them, he said he loved them, would like to kiss them, etc etc. There seem to be more of them, but I'm too sick at heart to look any further. One of these women went to his high school, and the other, he had been talking to for at least ten years just over the internet.

When I confronted him about them, he swore to me that it meant absolutely nothing, and that is was nothing more than a form of receiving attention to him, even though he claims I was more than enough for him.

I so badly want to believe him, but how can I? He's talked to his old high school friend every night for at least two hours over two years, and the same with his internet friend.

Every time I bring up the term emotional infidelity, he gets frustrated with me and denies that the talks meant anything at all.

I don't know what to think anymore, and I just wanted outside opinions on this.


----------



## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

obviously they are affair's. He has crossed the friend line and he says he wants to kiss them and such... 

My SO didn't accept that he was having an Emotional Affair until I showed him the definition online. Maybe try that. The thing is he will have to cut off ties with these women or it will cause nothing but trouble and hurt in your relationship. If he is saying he wants to kiss them then he is concidering seeing them if he hasn't already. EA's do progress sometimes into a full blown affair. 

If it truely means nothing to him and is simply a way for him to get attention... Then tell him to stop with them and communicate with you so you can give him all the attention he needs and wants. It could make you a stronger couple.

Good Luck


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

:iagree:
This is very much an EA. If he is looking for attention from them, ask him what kind. Usually someone will turn to an EA if they are lacking something in their established relationship. Ask him what these women provide him that you do not. Like many people in an EA will deny it as a “relationship”. He will have to end all contact with them. This can heal for you both with work and effort.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is an EA affair and he should take it seriously if you do.

draconis


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> :iagree:
> Ask him what these women provide him that you do not.


I did ask him, and he swears up and down that I provide him with everything he needs. When I talked to him about it, he just kept repeating it meant nothing at all to him.

I suppose emotional cheating is only really emotional cheating to the person who is being hurt. Despite his denials of an emotional affair, I truly do believe he is sorry and has stopped all contact with these women.

But then again, how do I begin rebuilding everything? I believe he's sorry, but I can't fully trust him anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Rebuilding trust can be done but will likely take some time. Tell him you need him to be completely open and honest with you as you will be with him but that your trust has been hurt by finding this out. Ask him to put himself in your shoes if the situation were reversed and how he would feel. You are correct most who engage in an EA don’t realize how much it hurts their partner. If he can find empathy for you in this that will help him avoid temptation in the future. Good luck.


----------



## Ephesians5:25 (Oct 16, 2008)

> how do I begin rebuilding everything? I believe he's sorry, but I can't fully trust him anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling.


1. He must stop these conversations immediately. 
2. He must provide you his password for this IM account for accountability to YOU. 
3. He should also provide to you proof that he notified these persons that the conversations were wrong/a mistake and he will not continue. 

..and that is just the BEGINNING to rebuilding the trust.

If he is sincere when saying you truly 'provide' all he needs, then he should have NO problem ending this betrayal immediately. 

If he balks, that's a RED FLAG.. a BIG ONE...


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

He hasn't balked at all - in fact, he volunteered to stop talking to them before I even asked, which is encouraging. He has deleted them from any sort of contact, even through Facebook.

I think the problem now is what I feel. I feel like I keep harping on the issue because I still feel so betrayed and stupid (for not realizing it was happening), and very occasionally angry. I wish I could make myself let it go, because I don't want these feelings, and I just want to move on.


----------



## Ephesians5:25 (Oct 16, 2008)

Amplexor said: 


> Rebuilding trust can be done but will likely take some time.


This is right on.. Give yourself some time to get over this.. And he has to continue to validate how this was a wrong move.. He shouldn't 'minimize' the betrayal by saying "it was nothing." He should acknowledge it hurt you badly and that he will do everything in his power to win your trust back.. understanding it will take some time AND he must be ready to answer your questions into his 'activities' at ANY TIME without any defensiveness on his part.. 

Give yourself some time..


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

trust me, your feelings are completely natural! i can vouch for that! if you truly want this relationship to work, hang in there & take things day by day, feeling by feeling, etc. just tell him you need him to be understanding about the rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling. if you need to talk or ask a "stupid" question, tell him he needs to listen & answer without getting mad. at this point, as long as he's completely open & patient with your healing, i'm sure trust can be rebuilt over time. maybe you will even be able to forgive him. you may never forget though! good luck! 

(i know exactly where you are coming from! i've been married 12 years & have 4 children & my H had an EA. i know how horrible the feelings are that you are going through but just remember that you have every right to feel them & it's just part of healing! pull your strength from down deep honey!)


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

LJ,
My situation is similar. I was the one involved in the online activity. My wife found out and left me. I can't even explain how much remorse I have for hurting her. What I did was wrong. Unfortunately it took me getting caught to realize it. I immediately broke off all communication with the girls online. I emailed them that day (cc'ing my wife) telling them that it was wrong and that I would no longer be talking to them. I have since "cleaned up my act" but I unfortunately have no way of showing my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 months and has filed for divorce. I don't want a divorce. I love and miss my wife terribly. I pray that my wife would give me the chance to show her I can be trusted but as of right now - nothing. The fact that he was willing to make changes is good. Hopefully he sticks to his guns and realizes how wrong his actions were. Everybody deserves a second chance.


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

I found about a twist today...

He had considered leaving me for the girl from high school two years ago.

I know because I read more of his saved IMs, and this was to his best friend, whom he wouldn't have ever lied to. So much for the flirtation meaning NOTHING...

And on top of that, I found out he also considered leaving me for one of his best female friends - whom we still see on a fairly regular basis. Apparently, he liked to 'compare' us when were were out together. I feel sickened at the thought.

I know I was wrong to poke back into his computer, but I guess I was looking for closure, some sign or pattern in his speech that would indicate it was nothing to him.

At this moment, I am so angry, I don't even care that I've done something wrong. I feel like I had the right. I'm just so angry, and on top of that, I feel so stupid. Most of all, I feel BETRAYED.

I've been trying my hardest to let this go, and I wanted so much to believe him when he told me it was nothing, but he lied to me. Given, all his wishful thinking occurred in 2006, but I think it should have been significant enough to tell me, then or now.


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

LJ,
You can't keep trying him for the same crimes. I understand your anger but at the same time you said you are trying to move forward. Judge him on his actions going forward. None of us can change the past. If he is committed to changing and you are willing to give him the chance then see how it plays out. Make sense?


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

The issue I have now is that he lied to me about the IMs meaning nothing. Clearly, they meant something if he was going to leave me for this woman.

Yes, he stopped all contact and is trying to make amends. But the fact is, in that moment when I was so torn up and asked him about the IMs, he LIED to me.

It would be easier for me to bear now if he confessed that in the first place. He didn't even just diplomatically avoid the fact he wanted to leave her, he flat out said it was nothing.


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Sorry LJ,
I didn't see the part about him wanting to leave you for someone else. Could it be that he was just saying that to her? I used to talk about meeting the girls I was involved online with but Inever had any intention of actually going through with it..I understand what you are saying about the lying thing. I've been guilty of that in the past. it's not a good thing.


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

If he said it to just her, and if it was just that, I would dismiss it as part of their flirting.

However, it was confided to his best friend, and this guy is not someone my boyfriend would lie to.


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

well that's a different story then. You have every right to be angry about that. What has he said about that? HOWEVER, if you have made the decision to work things out based on what you know at 30,000 FT, you need to be able to cope with what you might find as you dig deeper. Remember, you are dealing with past events....


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

you have every right to snoop when he broke your trust in my opinion. relationships should be an open book. no secrets! i think he has given you something to think about --- whether or not you want to continue this relationship. you are not married yet. maybe he isn't the one for you. trust me, it only gets harder once you are married & add kids into the mix. not trying to be pessimistic but just honest. think hard!!! sorry for what you are going through! good luck!


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

If I am honest with myself, I don't want to let our relationship go. We've lived together for awhile now, and we've often spoken of marriage. I still want that, but where there had been no doubt he would be completely faithful before the incident, there is now.

Everything has been compounded by the fact he's been working until close to 11 for the past two weeks, and also straight through the weekends. (it's the nature of his job, he's a on-site graphic designer that does live graphics) I work at 7, so he's asleep when I leave for work, and I'm asleep by the time he gets home.

I feel like if we had more time together, I could start coming to terms with everything. Because he's away so often, I become anxious and start to dwell on everything I've found out, which I'm afraid will make things worse.


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

Do you have any hobbies or anything that you could do keep yourself busy? Also, is there a way that the two of you could go away for a long weekend maybe?


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

lj tab,

i completely understand your feelings! my H is away a lot & it makes it so much harder when you are alone with your thoughts. i have just been trying to keep myself as busy as possible. so i think devastatedRH's suggestion is definitely a good one! it would help if you could fill in some time & if you two could reconnect. keep us posted!


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

I do work full time, so I'm mostly occupied while I'm there. 

When I get home is a different matter. I do try to get out with friends when I can, but I can't be with them seven nights a week. As for activities... I do work out and I'm usually an avid reader and can occupy myself that way, but I've just been feeling really listless and unmotivated.

He has promised to take the coming weekend off for some together time, although I have to confess I am dreading it slightly. It'll be the first time we'll really have time together since I found out, so I'm worried I'll be awkward or lash out.

We also have been talking about taking a weeklong trip to the Bahamas, but that's more towards Christmastime or early January.


----------



## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

it's ok to be nervous about the weekend. it's also ok to lash out if you need to. don't plan or rehearse anything, just go with the flow of your feelings. it won't hurt for him to see how much this has hurt you. make sure you do know what it is you need from him though. this way, you can lay it out for him & he won't have to wonder what it is he should be doing to make things better. be firm & stand your ground. it's do or die time! demand what you need! you deserve it! good luck!


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

I am very jealous that you both have decided to give your relationships a second chance. I can't even get my wife to respond to me. The only communication i have had is from letters I receive from the courts. LJ, you need to expect that your emotions are going to shift constantly. Your husband needs to understand that he brought this on and it is his responsibility to listen and answer any questions that you might have. Not that I would condone any attacks against him but it is part of the healing process. 

I hear what you are saying about free time. I've done nothing but sob for the past 4 days because I keep thinking about what I have done and I think about my wife non-stop. It's the little things that we shared that hurt the most. Even just the way I lay in bed facing where she used to sleep. I miss being able to look into her eyes...here I go again....


----------



## lj_tab (Oct 16, 2008)

Devastated, 

You're right about the little things. Every single thing he does or says triggers something painful. I keep reliving those conversations he had - even something small as a single word can set me off.

Even worse, and I've only realized it today, my entire sanity and/or health has been affected these past few weeks. I've completely lost any motivation to do anything at all, I'm in a constant state of nausea, and I'm always on the verge of tears. I've had panic attacks, moments where I can't breathe, and broken out into hives because of this. I alternate between being ravenous and wanting to vomit. I've become almost entirely dependent on caffeine to keep me moving through the work day, and I'm listless and can't do anything when I get home.

There's no one to confide it or to take comfort from because I don't want to let people know about this for his sake. I guess I could try to take comfort from him, but it's difficult when he caused the pain in the first place.

I hate how I keep going on and on about this, but it's all that's occupying my mind. I know we decided to work everything out together, but it's so hard to get past all this hurt. I want to suggest couples counseling, but I'm afraid he'll say I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.


----------



## devastatedRH (Oct 21, 2008)

LJ,
You need to take a deep breath. This is not something that will go away overnight. You need to think about the positives in your relationship that you feel are worth fighting for. I went the first three weeks after she left without eating anything and I ended up getting rushed to the hospital. You don't want that to happen to you. You say that there is no one to confide in. Have you considered a pastor or a counselor? The first thing I did was go and talk to my priest. Do you have any friends or family that you could talk to about this without getting specific?


----------



## ajeanne (Apr 17, 2009)

What if they can't admit what they did was wrong and he told me that he had the emotional affairs because I didn't love him enough.


----------

