# How to tell my potential that I have herpes?



## harmonylife (Aug 4, 2016)

I got herpes(hsv-2) 2 years ago(infected through my ex). Now, I want to start a new relationship. I am wondering how to tell my potential that I have herpes? Is there any suggestion?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just be as honest and as forthright as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harmonylife (Aug 4, 2016)

Thanks Matt! I was honest but I got rejection


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Some people are going to reject you.

But you are still right to be honest.

Any potential partner has the right to make an informed decision about whether or not they want to take the risk of being with someone who has herpes.

There are herpes dating sites.

Top 10 Herpes Dating Sites 2016: Editor & User Reviews

Have you tried that, or would you consider it?


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## harmonylife (Aug 4, 2016)

Hi notmyrealname4

Thanks for your information. Yes. Maybe herpes dating site is the right place for me. I want to try some free herpes dating sites. Just found a free herpes dating sites list. Totally Free Herpes Dating Sites for Herpes Singles 2016 Anyone tried them?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

harmonylife said:


> Thanks Matt! I was honest but I got rejection


Sadly it's going to happen. You did the right thing though, I suspect you are looking for a long term relationship yes? So not telling and your partner getting it would only destroy any chance of that eventually. At least in this case you get to show your character up front. 

Though it goes against my better judgment I have to defend Matt what he said is the right way to handle it. 

You don't have to say it right away but you do need to say it after a few dates before you get physical. It sucks that your ex did this to you but you know how much is sucks right? Don't do it to someone else.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I try to get to know someone very well first. If there is a physical attraction where there's a good chance it will turn sexual, then I open the discussion. If there's no physical attraction, then it's none of their business. 

Also, do not wait until the heat of the moment. Disclosure alone is not enough. The other person needs time to research and reflect. After that (if it's a go) it's best to have them run an antibody test to see if they have had previous exposure. A large percentage of people that are positive aren't even aware of it.

Don't let it get you down. See it as a way of getting to know someone on a deeper level before you gift them with your body, which is the most precious gift you have. 

H dating sites aren't much different than any other dating sites. Good and bad. Just have patience but don't let that exclude you from other people that you might form a wonderful bond with. 

Good luck 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

This site is an excellent reference and it includes this handbook with a section on telling new partners:

https://www.westoverheights.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Updated-Herpes-Book.pdf


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey, speaking as a guy who once rejected a potential woman on that metric, I would say the main problem is the "stigma" of it.

I mean, we all (95% I think) have had a cold sore. It's a similar concept (not completely) and we wouldn't not kiss someone because they have had a cold sore in the past, right? We would only avoid it in an outbreak.

I think I would be more OPEN to the idea should it have ever come up again. But I guess I would have be in a state of "pretty damn sure", you know? What may also be weirding this partner out is you may have had 15 partners and he/she 2 or 3 or something. So, that probably should be brought into the discussion.

This is actually a metric the dating site I am on uses. . .it asks the question interestingly. . ."Does 15 previous partners sound like a lot?"

Several answers. . .I answered "Yes, but I guess it doesn't change the way I feel." (so yes, but maybe ambivalent)

Some, actually a lot, answer. . ."15? That's nothing!" People have led different lives.

BTW, I know this doesn't even mean you couldn't have contracted herpes on the 1st partner. . .but 7th grade health teaches us when we sleep with someone, we have slept with everyone they ever slept with, right?

It's basic statistics the odds go up.

My strategy would be to. . .

A. Tell your partner you are free to explore "better options", that you completely understand
B. Keep friendship up if they are open.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

When I met my ex -husband, I was 22, and pretty naïve. When we told each other how we felt about each other he told me that he had a 'disease'. He told me the name of the disease was "Simplex-2". I had never heard of it. I heard of herpes, but I never knew that there was a Herpes Simplex 1, 2 and even 3. 

And he never mentioned the word "herpes".

I was so naïve about it, I asked him if he could die from it. 

He laughed and assured me he couldn't. But he DID tell me that when he had an outbreak, that he would be contagious for about 10 days (this was back in the early 80's). 

We got married. 

We had been married for about 6 months before he had an outbreak. We avoided sex during that time (I was about 3 months pregnant by that time). At that time I started to become more curious about it and mentioned it to a friend. She said, "You mean, he has Herpes?" 

I was ANGRY and I confronted my husband. He sheepishly admitted that yes, it was herpes and that if he TOLD me that it was herpes, he was afraid that I wouldn't have married him. 

He ended up getting a number of outbreaks and he got them badly. I mean, to the point where he broke out in a low grade fever and had other flu-like symptoms. Definitely hampered our sex life. 

In all honesty, I felt duped. :frown2:


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Vega,

That really is a fascinating story. I am astonished as a person involved in the life sciences all my life on the level of ignorance out there on "7th grade health."

I'm completely serious.

There was a Republican Congressman who asked an innocent question. . ."Why couldn't a woman get a GYN exam by swallowing a camera?" (they were having hearings on camera exams for women or something).

I mean, really? I know there's supposedly no such thing as a stupid question, but there is certainly such a thing as a revealing question. . .you don't just swallow a camera and it all sorta swirls around in there.

Basic anatomy. Physiology. Basic infectious Disease (incubation periods, etc).

I am not trying to embarrass you per se. . .but this is a huge problem in America. . .lack of science understanding and then. . .to boot. . .THINKING we know it. Dangerous combination.

And the thing is, this person's partner probably doesn't want to hear about viral loading and shedding and all that. Not when they probably don't even understand 7th grade health and the gentlemen's "A" that schools apparently give kids in this subject.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Be honest, and be patient. 

Most people think really bad things when they hear herpes. They will sometimes react very poorly the first time they hear it from a potential partner. Make sure you tell them BEFORE you have any intimate contact, then gird yourself for a bad reaction if you get one. Give him or her time to consider things more rationally, and send them to

The Original Herpes Home Page!!

which is far and away the best online resource with discussion forums and advice from people who have lived your life. 

The good ones will reconsider, even after what for them might be an initial horror, and the bad ones will go away. You now have something of a built-in character filter. 

Good luck. You'll be fine. You are now lower risk for potential partners for contracting herpes than people who don't know their status.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Cletus,

I want to click on that link but my computer will think I have herpes and recommend an ad for Valtrex. 

:wink2:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Scannerguard said:


> Cletus,
> 
> I want to click on that link but my computer will think I have herpes and recommend an ad for Valtrex.
> 
> :wink2:


1. Install an ad-blocker
2. Click on the link
3. Thank me later!

You're joking, I get it, but I want to reiterate that if you think TAM is the place to go for marriage discussions, this is absolutely the place to go for herpes discussions. I had a false positive test back in 2005 that led to my spending a lot of time there for a while.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Like with any STD, Herpes can be contracted during your first sexual encounter, it is no reflection on you as a person, nor does it mean you're a "wh0re", as some people ignorantly seem to think. 

OP I feel for you sweetie. Don't give up hope though - I have a friend who has Herpes and she has been in a close, loving relationship for coming up 7 years now  They're very happy together and two peas in a pod. She doesn't have outbreaks very often, but when she does they have managing them down to an art. He is not infected.

All you can do is continue to be honest with your dates, they'll either want to continue to see you or they won't, but either way you will be just fine xx


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I once dated this woman briefly who had this but we didn't work out long term. The one thing I appreciated was how honest and open she was about it. It was clear to me this was a conversation she had many times before and almost had it scripted.

I was hyper sensitive at that time to STI because I had to have my first ever battery of tests after my X wife was screwing everyone at her place of employment. So I knew a lot about it. She was direct about how she got it, what happens when outbreaks occur, medication she took for it, how often outbreaks occur and even had some suggestions on where I could look stuff up about it, but like I said I already knew.

We didn't work out but I can tell you that her honesty about it and being direct was something I really appreciated. I think when it comes to the stuff you have an absolute obligation to disclose all information.


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