# masturbation and spouse



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i'd like opinions from both men and women. I'm curious (a) if you masturbate alone (as opposed to while you are having sex with your spouse) and (b) does your spouse know about it?

the issue isn't substituting masturbation for sex and then having less of an interest in sex. the reason I ask is that like many guys i'm not happy with my sex life. my wife and i have sex once a month and i masturbate about 5 times a week. when we were having sex a couple of times a week i had no urge to take matters into my own hands (so to speak).

i've had the "not enough sex" talk with my wife but i've never mentioned that i masturbate for the simple reason that i think she would look at it as an acceptable substitution for sex with her rather that a sign of frustration (meaning she would tell me to keep masturbating and not bother her for sex).

so, do you masturbate and does your spouse know?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When I was with my stbx-wife, I was like you... If I wasn't getting sex regularly, I'd masturbate on a frequent basis. Daily was not out of the question. I think she would suspect I was doing this, but it was never really any clear discussion on it.

With my current partner though, my urge to masturbate has diminished appreciably. We're currently a 4 to 7 times a week couple, and I have pretty much zero urge to fill my boots on the "off" days. Oddly enough, she came from a similar relationship, and is in a similar place as me with regards to current masturbatory habits. Both of us are very comfortable discussing anything sexually, including our DIY activities.

C


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

My husband knows that I "give myself a time." 

He doesn't do it often. He says it's boring. I imagine his sitting there sighing the entire time. LOL I think it's odd that he _doesn't_ do it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I masturbate, but ONLY when I don't get sex from my husband.

He, I think he masturbates more than he is willing to admit, to KEEP from having sex with me.

There are issues...I'm working on them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

When I was only having sex once every 2 months yes I masturbated and yes he knew about it. Not intricate details but I did let him know on a couple of occasions that I was taking care of myself.

These days I'm having sex 3-4 times a week (and climbing) and the desire to masturbate has decreased. Its usually when he's out of town or otherwise unavailable. I prefer to be with him.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I recently told my stbx how often I have during our marriage because she didn't want to have sex more than once a week at most.

She seemed surprised, my advice is to be open about it. Like everything else in a marriage, the more you keep to yourself the worse it is for the marriage.


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

Married over 20 years...have always masturbated secretly 2 or 3 times a week. UNTIL just recently! After she caught me -- and LOVED it! -- I admitted that I do it to relieve my sexual tension.

She was FINE with it...and, now enjoys watching occasionally. And, by the way...it's AWESOME when she watches.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nope.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Yes, masturbate alone. Frequency depends on how much temptation I can withstand. 
Hubby probably doesn't know, but not because I wouldn't tell him if he asked. I don't bring it up because he would see it as an attack against him.
I can't bring up how dissatisfied I am with the infrequency of our sex life because he thinks I'm being critical. He refuses to talk about it anymore and any attempt by me makes him angry. He insists this is just the way he is and he can't change. 
So I don't talk about self pleasure to him either. If I was getting more sex from him, I wouldn't feel the need to masturbate. 
Frequency here is about once every 7 - 10 days.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

My H and I have sex every other month or so. so thats what 6 times a year! My H knows that I do, i bought a toy and showed it to him. I dont think he knows how much i do it tho. Every other day to twice a week. If i were getting more sex from my h i wouldn't need to. My h and i have used the toy together, 3 times since i got it.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am curious how you can hide such a thing from someone you live/sleep with. I am curious. 

I think you have to be honest and let her know you do it for a physical release but, you miss the "connection with her" 

As another poster mentioned more honesty is better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Married&Confused said:


> i'd like opinions from both men and women. I'm curious (a) if you masturbate alone (as opposed to while you are having sex with your spouse) and (b) does your spouse know about it?


Because me & my husband DIDN'T talk about any of this (too taboo for many years in our marraige) - we pretty much missed each other , and this was a shame. 

3 yrs ago, we started the sex dialog with each other -due to MY increase in drive, I wanted more sex & I had many questions we never talked about. I learned he never masterbated -except for 1 time to exhaust his sperm count in the am to try & conceive a daughter that night (it was planned) -words of advice from a male co-worker. Funny thing- WE did conceive our only daughter that night! Had I not been asking these questions, I would have never known this. 

Anyway, he felt masterbating was a form of Cheating (his words) and that it was MY job to take care of him, which I wasn't doing so wonderfully -but I had little idea he was "suffering" cause he was so backwards about it. Looking back I could KICK him for this! And there I was, feeling he wanted his sleep more than ME when I got antsy in the middle of the night & wanted him- half the time I woke him up, half the time I took matters into my own hands. 

If he would have acted like an animal badly in need of sex all of the time, I would ALWAYS woke him up, I remembering questioning HIS sex drive! So we missed each other! He was shocked I did that and I felt he was foolish for not bothering me more -when he was wanting it so bad ! 

I was surprised he never masterbated, but I believe what he said because it accually angered me at the time, he had no reason to lie to me. It was not the answer I wanted to hear at all. It confirmed to me his sex drive is "lower' than most men, the fact he was "able" to do this -only getting it about once a week. Though before we married, he masterbated up to 3 times a day.

Now neither of us masterbate, but take full care of the others desires, as it should have been all along.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Anyway, he felt masterbating was a form of Cheating (his words) and that it was MY job to take care of him,


I agree! When the other one is all available there. 

I know that my husband masturbated before we got married. Two weeks ago I asked him if he masturbated after we got married, he said "probably", I knew that means "yes". I was disappointed. He told me it was long time ago, but it still didn't make me feel good. I said "I was all there for you, why did you need to masturbate?" He said he was bored! I said that's doing things secretly behind me, not good for our trust for each other, and he totally agrees. 

I remember long time ago he told me he didn't masturbate anymore. He only does it when I get him horny during my period, and he does it in front of me. 

I told him not to do it anymore. I said: You take away my joy by masturbating. You know how much I love it when you are on top me doing me hard. He said: Don't worry, that happened five years ago. I take his word. 

Now if he gets good sleep, he wants to cum every day. I love it! 

I don't masturbate anymore now I have my husband. I can cum easily masturbating, but I prefer my husband's toy. The feeling from intercourse is totally different from masturbation. Intercourse brings emotional satisfaction and orgasms, masturbation only achieves orgasms. 

We masturbated in front of each other, that was only for fun!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

once a month....once every 2 months? peeps get with the sex!!! do it as much as you can as more than once a week at least!!!! LOL


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> i'd like opinions from both men and women. I'm curious (a) if you masturbate alone (as opposed to while you are having sex with your spouse) and (b) does your spouse know about it?
> 
> the issue isn't substituting masturbation for sex and then having less of an interest in sex. the reason I ask is that like many guys i'm not happy with my sex life. my wife and i have sex once a month and i masturbate about 5 times a week. when we were having sex a couple of times a week i had no urge to take matters into my own hands (so to speak).
> 
> ...


Yes and yes...and so does she. We agree that it will never be an acceptable substitution for sex...it has to be in addition to sex. 

CC


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

tjohnson said:


> I am curious how you can hide such a thing from someone you live/sleep with. I am curious


Easy to hide lots of things from your spouse. People do it all the time.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Shelly29 said:


> once a month....once every 2 months? peeps get with the sex!!! do it as much as you can as more than once a week at least!!!! LOL


I would have sex all the time, but my H is not interested. Thats why we have sex every other month.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The topic never came up with my wife and me. When things are slow I'll masturbate. if she's in the mood, she'll ask and I'll agree so I don't think she has a need to masturbate.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

My wife and I both do from time to time, me probably more than her. Yes, we're both aware of it. In fact, there have been occasions when she's arranged for me to have the house to myself for some "alone time." In both our cases, it's not a matter of not wanting to be with one another, but just that there are sometimes that we just want some quick self-gratification.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Personally I think it is rather controlling to forbid your partner from self-gratification no matter how high you drive may be. 

I love my wife and love having all kinds of sex with her but, sometimes it is fun/different to "do a load by hand" many of us have done it since we were 12. We should be asked to stop? 

I love spending time with my wife as does she. Sometimes she likes to spend time allone or with friends. The same can be said for me. I think it would be unreasonable for me or her to expect to be the only source or social engagement. I think calling classifying masturbation as "cheating" is overkill and again a little controlling. But we put that line in the sand in different places


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

my wife has walked in on me in the the bathtub once and she thought it was hilarious. I'll refrain from jacking it if I'm getting as much as I need/want from my wife. She is often tired or not feeling well or preoccupied with the baby, so sex is not as high on her list right now - she is pretty understanding, as she should be.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

I do it once a day. I thought my wife knew but it came up in conversation last night and she was shocked! She on the other hand has never "dialed down the center", not once. That's probably why sex means absolutely nothing to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

tjohnson said:


> Personally I think it is rather controlling to forbid your partner from self-gratification no matter how high you drive may be.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

The first time I feel I am controlling in our relationship! 

:smthumbup: :smthumbup::smthumbup:

Ha ha ha, I admit I am controlling in this area! I am very possessive of him! He is mine! His body is mine! 

My husband says masturbation is different from intercourse, he has more control! I guess that's the kind of fun you talk about! 

He can do it, just has to do it in front of me. :smthumbup:


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> The first time I feel I am controlling in our relationship!
> 
> ...


ha, I am picturing you getting ready to leave for work in the morning and him just laying there saying, wait, don't leave, I can't take care of this without you!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

nader said:


> ha, I am picturing you getting ready to leave for work in the morning and him just laying there saying, wait, don't leave, I can't take care of this without you!


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

You make me have big smiles on my face because our schedule is so different from yours! We don't work in the morning! We work in the afternoon and evening! 

I guess you are trying to tell me that I have no control over this issue. 

I guess it is true. 

His hands, his toy, he can play with it at any time he wants. 

I will just wear him out so he has no desire to masturbate! Yeah...........................................

He does get horny in the afternoon and sometimes he wants sex, I always have time to satisfy him before I go to work. A quickie takes only a few minutes, easy..................................!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> I will just wear him out so he has no desire to masturbate! Yeah...........................................


That's the spirit!


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

I'm pretty sure my husband masturbates when I'm on my period, out of town, sick, or otherwise unavailable for sex. I've never actually seen him do it and it's not something we talk about, but I can tell that's what he's doing when he spends a little too long in the bathroom or inexplicably showers before going to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night and find that he's in the bathroom. I don't mind, as long as he doesn't use porn and only does it when I'm unavailable for sex. But if I discovered that he did it while i was around and available for sex, I think I would be hurt. 

I also do it, but only if I'm traveling or my husband is out of town.

We don't incorporate it into our sex life because neither of us really see any point to it; I think both of us see it as something to tide you over when sex is not an option.


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## roymcavoy (Apr 15, 2011)

MissLayla1986 said:


> I've never actually seen him do it and it's not something we talk about...because neither of us really see any point to it.


Wait a second...if you haven't really talked about it, how do you KNOW there isn't any point to it. If you're ever so inclined, you should ask him to do it for you & vice-versa. You might like it. And I betcha HE'D like it a lot more than you think! :awink:


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## arkguy (Apr 27, 2011)

" think you have to be honest and let her know you do it for a physical release but, you miss the "connection with her" .


I did that a long time ago, married 20 years, but she didn't care. I am like Roy above, when we were younger, she wanted sex maybe once a week, twice on a really good week, but sometimes none and that was not enough for me at all, so I masturbated probably 3 times a week for several years. We even went to counceling twice over sex, didn't do anything that lasted.

I finally just told her I wasn't getting enough for me, she knew I masturbated sometimes, but I am sure she didn't know how much. I told her I was no longer hiding it and if I wanted sex, I was going to ask her everytime and if she turned me down, I would masturbate, usually laying in bed next to her. Basically, I would only do it with her knowledge and never if she was gone to work, town etc.

She said that was ok and we did that for a couple of months and I think she realized how horny I really was and guess what? We started having a lot more sex!!! I don't masturbate nearly as much, only if she is really not feeling well or really tired. Our sex life has never been better!!

Sometimes, being honest might help.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

We got in the habit of mutual masturbation when the kids were babies and we were both exhausted, that's something everybody should get good at


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

MissLayla1986 said:


> I'm pretty sure my husband masturbates when I'm on my period, out of town, sick, or otherwise unavailable for sex. I've never actually seen him do it and it's not something we talk about, but I can tell that's what he's doing when he spends a little too long in the bathroom or inexplicably showers before going to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night and find that he's in the bathroom. I don't mind, as long as he doesn't use porn and only does it when I'm unavailable for sex. But if I discovered that he did it while i was around and available for sex, I think I would be hurt.
> 
> I also do it, but only if I'm traveling or my husband is out of town.
> 
> We don't incorporate it into our sex life because neither of us really see any point to it; I think both of us see it as something to tide you over when sex is not an option.


I think if nothing else you take away from this site is that men will go without sometimes rather than "speak up" Guys may not do it (or you for that matter because then it would no longer be "quality alone time" which is good for relationships. It is like the guy who doesn't want to teach his wife golf as he may be concerned that he will no longer have time with his guy friends. Perhaps there are better analogies but, i am tired. 


To say "what is the point" unscores that you are ignoring a couple facts/benefits about masturbation together:

1- Most men find it HOT....period...they may not say it but this most of us guys do
2- It may give you an opportunity to see what your guy may to and vice versa. You may learn something
3- You are probably NOT doing it because of some self-consciousness. I think opening up in this way brings hightened intamacy and closeness. It is just another thing that you are experiencing together.


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

tjohnson said:


> I think if nothing else you take away from this site is that men will go without sometimes rather than "speak up" Guys may not do it (or you for that matter because then it would no longer be "quality alone time" which is good for relationships. It is like the guy who doesn't want to teach his wife golf as he may be concerned that he will no longer have time with his guy friends. Perhaps there are better analogies but, i am tired.
> 
> 
> To say "what is the point" unscores that you are ignoring a couple facts/benefits about masturbation together:
> ...


Sorry to pull up an old thread but I did end up talking to my husband about this and our conversation just confirmed what i had suspected: he does masturbate when i'm unavailable for sex, but he has no interest in incorporating it into our sex life. i asked him if he wanted me to give him HJs, and he says that since i'm already pretty good at using my mouth, there's no point in me using my hand ;-) he also said he doesn't find the idea of a woman touching herself appealing for some reason (though he did say that he's probably the only guy in the world who thinks that). he already touches me down there pretty much every time we have sex, though i don't think of that as masturbation.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

my wife and i did this mutual masturnation thing about 3 years ago and it was great, a lot of the time one of us was tired or something so we both masturbated together, normally i started first then after 5mins or so she would get wild and take care of herself which took about 5mins, we loved it for ages 9 twice a week or so) but now that has gone and hasnt happened in over a year, ive even tried to do myself next to her in bed which she use to love but now it doesnt worry her...

i miss it, *****


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