# Things I did and said during my EA



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I just wanted to share for others that suspect their wife/husband:

Said:
- She's only a friend calling me about a business issue.
- I'm too old to be attractive to anyone. I'm done.
- Those aren't texts coming in, those are some of the hundreds of work emails I get each each day. Here, let me show you the emails. (they were texts)
- We're just sharing memories of high school and of all of the stupid things that happen back then.
- She's not going to cause a problem in our marriage, I wont let that happen and you know it.

Did:
- Called her from work phone in the office
- Emailed her from work email account with a rule to redirect the emails to a different folder other than Inbox
- Had text sex with her several times
- Expressed my desire to be with her all of the time
- Spent time listening to music about loving each other and missing each other.
- Went to the gym more often, and changed my diet, so that I could be more attractive the next time she saw me in person. (One good thing, I'm keeping the weight off and still going to the gym).


I'm sure there's more. But I need a mental break.

How about others? What did you say or do?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You know I started to post some of the stupid things my AP and I did but I'm scared we're about to really trigger the betrayed spouses here and get lynched...

Keeping my head down.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm too stupid to keep my head down.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

HerToo why do you keep calling it an EA when it was also a PA?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

I smell heat.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Never was a PA. Only saw her once before the EA started.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, I miss read had text sex, for had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hey Hertoo, That's called "sexting" btw. Got to stay up with the modern shorthand.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Hey, I'm too old for that new stuff


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

BS here, think this is a really good post for others to read, that might be suspicious.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@deb9017: Your post today was part of the inspiration for my post.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You know I started to post some of the stupid things my AP and I did but I'm scared we're about to really trigger the betrayed spouses here and get lynched...
> 
> Keeping my head down.


Dude, what you and HerToo, and other former waywards like Jellybeans and Entropy3000, do here to help the betrayed, despite any shame or other issues, to me at least, shows good character. It actually gives me hope for my own fWW. 

Keep up the great work guys.


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## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

HerToo, so many of those things ring true of what comes out of HIS mouth!

May I ask how old you are?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Thanks lordmayhem. I always try to tread a little lightly out of deference to the betrayed spouses - wearing my scarlet A I suppose. That's what I love about this site everyone gets - and gives - so much out of it. Too bad what the price of admission is. 

In this instance I just didn't figure that everyone really wanted to read the silly details of how my AP and I behaved. It was even triggering me to write it. So I waved off on that one.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm 50 years old. 

Dang, that even looks old when I write it!!!


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## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm 50 years old.
> 
> Dang, that even looks old when I write it!!!


50 years young I'm sure.

In your opinion does a man's age affect what he says in these situations?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes. His ability to derive a variety of answers (lies) is influenced by his knowledge and experiences.

How old is your H? And what is he doing that sounds similar? Perhaps I can help you set a trap.

Sucks that a trap has to be set at all.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

RainbowGirl said:


> I'm going to let HIM have it so I wouldn't be attaching it to my computer. He is very secretive with his phone already, actually turns it off sometimes if I am around. I imagine that the most obvious reason is that he doesn't want me to see if he gets a text message. It is almost always on silent but once it was on charge and I walked past it and told him he had a text message, I handed it over to him (he keeps it locked with his password) and you could see if was from a certain female that he promised me he had no personal contact with. Ever since then he has been even more secretive than usual.


This made me think of something that may be useful to someone. I didn't lock my phone during my EA because I knew if my wife picked it up an it was locked all of the sudden it would be a huge red flag. 

I set everything on my phone to silent except phone calls. It didn't make a noise for anything so as not to attract attention. I also put my AP in my phone under a guy's name who I knew would no longer be contacting me but that I could provide a plausible explanation for. 

Finally I deleted everything off my phone, text, call logs, emails - and yes I was thorough enough to delete from the sent and trash files to. The flag there is that there was never any history of anything on my phone. 

On an iPhone text messages can be deleted selectively but call history cannot. You can't delete just one call from the log, you either have to clear the entire log or leave that call you want to hide in there. 

If you're suspecting and can get your hands on the iPhone the call log is one of the first places I would check - who clears their call log unless they're hiding something??


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## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Yes. His ability to derive a variety of answers (lies) is influenced by his knowledge and experiences.
> 
> How old is your H? And what is he doing that sounds similar? Perhaps I can help you set a trap.
> 
> Sucks that a trap has to be set at all.


I believe that there has only been EA. I also believe that mostly he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Another poster in another thread pointed out the Damsel in Distress syndrome. He is in his mid-40s, his damsels tend to be, for the most part, younger. He likes being looked up to and referred to for advice. So I have heard these variations of your examples before:


> - She's only a friend calling me about a business issue.
> - I'm too old to be attractive to anyone. I'm done.
> - We're just sharing memories of the past and of all of the stupid things that happen back then.
> - She's not going to cause a problem in our relationship, I wont let that happen and you know it. You can trust me, even if she is interested, I'm not!


Setting a trap sounds so...cold.

This is a crucial year for me, more so than us. It is the year that I can slowly feel myself 'checking out' (am I getting the forum lingo right here?). I don't want to check out but I feel driven to it. Sometimes I convince myself that checking out is crucial to survive the aftermath.


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## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This made me think of something that may be useful to someone. I didn't lock my phone during my EA because I knew if my wife picked it up an it was locked all of the sudden it would be a huge red flag.
> 
> I set everything on my phone to silent except phone calls. It didn't make a noise for anything so as not to attract attention. I also put my AP in my phone under a guy's name who I knew would no longer be contacting me but that I could provide a plausible explanation for.
> 
> ...


I know someone who deletes their call log! And also clears out all their text messages, on the limited occasions I have seen the listings!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Maybe it's time for the 180 tactic, and see what he does.

Sigma listed many of the same things I did with my iphone.


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## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Maybe it's time for the 180 tactic, and see what he does.
> 
> Sigma listed many of the same things I did with my iphone.


I have seen the 180 mentioned before, I'm not sure what it is!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Calling all 180 experts!!! We need your help!!!

I don't have the details, but I know others do.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Yep, big lies over here. I hope it doesn't trigger anyone too much, not my intention.

I used to leave my cell phone on the kitchen counter, my husband could have seen the hundreds of texts. I was not tech. savy at the time, and didn't delete anything. Lots of sexting, I'm pretty disgusted when I look back. Then eventually, that phone came everywhere I went, even to bed. I guarded it with my life. My husband stated to catch on when I took it to the laundry room one day. You start to become gutsy with behavior.

I started to dress differently

Things I lied about....

He's just a friend
we only went for coffee
going to a friend's house
going out for a drive
going to the bookstore to chill out (big trigger for him now)
I'm not in love with you anymore
I only kissed him once
he's married why would he want me

I'm sure I've forgotten loads, hubby will remind me I'm sure.

I guess the main point to make is that the person lies about everything, I didn't think I was the lying type, but in the end I became evil, and the **** that spewed from my mouth was insane. You're so wrapped up in the fog that you'll say anything.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For the record, I delete my texts and calls every day. I'm not having an affair, but I've always deleted things. lol. 

Probably would look suspicious though. My email boxes are clean too. I just delete things daily.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I also delete them at the end of the day, after my wife has seen them (I assume). I leave it there for inspection.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Funny how triggers work. Nothing above caused me any angst.

But...

My XW had a weekend in New Orleans planned with one of her OM's. They were going to stay in the garden district then go to a Sting concert (keylogger). Something came up, so he wasn't able to go. She then told me she'd planned a trip to N.O. for my birthday (we also went to N.O. on our honeymoon). I went, but left her for good 13 days later.

That was 4 1/2 years ago.

I'll likely never go back to New Orleans, and Sting or Police songs still turn my stomach. Even though I have moved on completely, the triggers still pull me back to "that place."

Just remember the power these triggers have, and tread lightly.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I just wanted to share for others that suspect their wife/husband:
> 
> Said:
> - She's only a friend calling me about a business issue.
> ...


 Yes on "only a friend (from church)
also I'm too old (overweight) to be attractive to anyone
Instead of texts it was phone calls made when I wasn't home.
and the last one. He's not going to cause a problem in our marriage, I won't let that happen!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Dude, what you and HerToo, and other former waywards like Jellybeans and Entropy3000, do here to help the betrayed, despite any shame or other issues, to me at least, shows good character. It actually gives me hope for my own fWW.
> 
> Keep up the great work guys.


Why, thank you. 
You guys help us out a lot, too.
TAM is made up of some fine people and I feel honored to post alongside such great company on this board.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

X-unknown said:


> Yes on "only a friend (from church)
> also I'm too old (overweight) to be attractive to anyone
> Instead of texts it was phone calls made when I wasn't home.
> and the last one. He's not going to cause a problem in our marriage, I won't let that happen!


Oh I forgot this one. Your kidding? He is younger then me. 

Notice the answer is not "no - I am not having an affair" its all misdirection. Yes he is younger then you. And yes you are overweight. Are you having an affair? How dumb I've been to not listen to my gut.

Reading "Not Just A Friend" which I (And the couples therapist) think is very good. There are some books about surviving infidelity that are supposed to be good. Hate to say this but talking to a doctor about meds to keep you from flipping totally out can be a major aid. Continue to breath!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> Yep, big lies over here. I hope it doesn't trigger anyone too much, not my intention.
> 
> I used to leave my cell phone on the kitchen counter, my husband could have seen the hundreds of texts. I was not tech. savy at the time, and didn't delete anything. Lots of sexting, I'm pretty disgusted when I look back. Then eventually, that phone came everywhere I went, even to bed. I guarded it with my life. My husband stated to catch on when I took it to the laundry room one day. You start to become gutsy with behavior.
> 
> ...



God it's so weird for a second there I thought my wife made an account here and was talking about what happened.

One of the things that bugged me about the lies was that it made me question my sanity. Like all of these things that didn't make sense but when I called her on them she was so adamant about what "the truth" was. It made ME feel crazy, like I was pretending or imagining things.

I knew something was up (didn't suspect it to be as bad as it was), when my wife starting taking the phone to the bathroom. When I called her on it and asked her what she was hiding, she came at me so hard I felt like I was being a jerk. It is amazing how easily my wife could lie to me even though that's not her personality.

That's one of the hard parts about staying together though, I know she is truly remorseful and she often says, "I could never lie to you again, it was too hard." But in my mind I know how easy she had made it, she was so good at rationalizing what she was doing that I honestly don't think she thought she was lying during the whole thing.

It's like having a rescue PitBull as a house pet, it may be recovered and a great companion, but you know if it ever decides to turn on you it could destroy you without even trying.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hope it's okay for me to chime in... My OH had a mild EA which luckily never got too far (but far enough to cause an awful lot of heartache...) Things he said...

* She's friendly but I don't fancy her, she's not my type
* I was just being friendly
* (After they kissed) I didn't think to tell you because it didn't mean anything
* (After I messaged her on FB to ask her what was going on) You've really embarrasses me at work and made yourself look stupid. I think you should apologise to her.
* (After I found out he'd texted her after a month of NC) I was drunk. It didn't mean anything. I don't know why I did it.

And the all-time classic (I kid you not...)

(Two days after he told me when we were getting down to it...)

"Oh you like it when I treat you like s*** don't you? You like me doing that stuff..."

Yes I am a very forgiving person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> who clears their call log unless they're hiding something??


I do. 
Every Friday I l clear my call log and missed calls. Nice and tidy for the weekend. Never even occurred to me to not do that before all this stuff.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I guess it's ultimately more about knowing your spouses normal behaviors and noticing when those change. I never clear call logs (strange because I'm OCD about being organized) but I cleared them compulsively while my EA was going on. The first red flag is an unexplained change in behavior, the thing that sets off most people's "gut" and half the time they don't even realize why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

COguy said:


> God it's so weird for a second there I thought my wife made an account here and was talking about what happened.
> 
> One of the things that bugged me about the lies was that it made me question my sanity. Like all of these things that didn't make sense but when I called her on them she was so adamant about what "the truth" was. It made ME feel crazy, like I was pretending or imagining things.
> 
> ...


That is the thing that hurts the worst. The easy way they lie and of course finding out the No Contact rule is only you getting clued in that its just gone more stealthy. The rationalizing seems to be a common thing as well. I was asked if I could deal with being married if there was no trust. I wanted to know how to fix this problem and got no answer. I hope there is some way to reestablish some trust because I'm not sure I can deal with this.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I can honestly say that my NC has remained NC. Tempted? Yep. But never gave in to the temptation.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Mine was a long-distance EA (different countries) and, with the exception of two times via phone, all of our correspondances were through email and IMs. I apologize in advance for anything that I mention here that might be tirggers for other TAM users, but I think that it's important to see how far some of us will go to hide affairs. This is going to sound like a broken record, but...

*What I said:* 

"She's just a friend"
"She's just telling me about issues she's having with her boyfriend" (true, sometimes)
"She's was feeling depressed and wanted to talk" (instant messaging/chats)

*What I did:* 


- I was in touch with AP prior to meeting and marrying my wife.
- Instant messaged with her in the mornings after my wife went to work. I went to work later in the morning. (My AP lived in a country six hours ahead of me)
- Had lots of sexual chats with AP
- Sent and received sexual photos
- Sent at least two sexual videos
- Set chats to be instantly deleted
- Deleted or stored emails from AP in places I didn't think they wouild be found.
- Saved AP's sexual photos in places online that my wife didn't know about. I never saved them on the computer.
- Deleted sent emails
- Had three email accounts and used different browsers for each. Always logged out of the two that weren't my main one that I let my wife see.

Just prior to D-Day, I left some emails from AP undeleted and my wife found them as she was working on my computer for a project.

*What I did after D-Day:*

- Wrote NC email to AP which my wife read and approved
- Broke all contact with AP
- Told my wife about subsequent times my AP attempted to contact me. 
- Deleted all photos of AP.(*)
- Deleted all photos/videos of myself that I sent to AP.(*)
- Deleted all extraneous email accounts and have not set up any more.
- My wife knows all of my Facebook and other online social activity and I continue to keep my social networking to a minimum.

(*) I had some of these items hidden deep on external hard drives, in folders with innocuous names. 

Again, apologies to those who might be tiggered by this post, but even if it's only an EA, some of us will go to lengths to hide it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Glad to see you're back HerToo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks. Nice to be back. But the break was nice too!


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

tobio said:


> Hope it's okay for me to chime in...
> .....
> (Two days after he told me when we were getting down to it...)
> 
> ...


OK, I'm sorry, but you've gone beyond forgiving. You're letting him treat you like s***. He doesn't sound at all sorry, and you know you don't like that comment, and you're not saying anything. 

WHY?

Why, too, would you have to ask if it's OK to chime in -- this is a public forum, and you have good points to share.

So sorry, but I have to ask: Why don't you feel like a person who deserves respect?


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

That sounded like I was "passing down the law" on you, and I didn't mean that. Once, after not having sex with me for over 6 months, my (I believe Disloyal) Husband relented and used his hand to give me pleasure. After it was over, while still all passionate, I said, "Oh, XX, I've missed you so much!"

He said, "I knew you'd always be there for me."

It was days before I went back to him and said, "That made me wonder if I'd been wrong to tell you, 'I'll always love you.' Like I was letting myself be taken advantage of."

Point is, sometimes in the heat of the moment, we don't want to ruin the moment by speaking out every little resentment. But if you don't tell him that you didn't like that comment, eventually, it will eat you up. Because it wasn't little, at all.

I _was _letting myself be taken advantage of.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

I have to agree. Unspoken resentment just eats you alive. My latest is "I miss him" from the WW. I can't even start to understand why she would tell me that? Is she expecting sympathy? Or an OK to restart her EA/???

Its stuff like this that makes me insane.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, the way they expect US to comfort THEM is maddening. :scratchhead:


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> You know I started to post some of the stupid things my AP and I did but I'm scared we're about to really trigger the betrayed spouses here and get lynched...
> 
> Keeping my head down.


Put them out! A good understanding of what happens helps. at least me.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Today was supposed to be the full disclosure day. There was a lot of writing of this full disclosure letter but we never got to any of that. 

Instead it was back to square one with "I didn't understand what an EA was. It wasn't sexual so I thought it was ok." I was pretty upset. How about the times I said "this is way out of line. You have to stop!" His making passes at her (That was news to me btw) and she went back to seeing him? All the please cut this crap out was Ignored time after time all it did was get more stealthy. What can I say? 

At the end of this I'm left feeling that I'm the "****" for not accepting this? It didn't end well and I can't quite figure out what to do next.

I've got a visit set up with my therapist just before the next couples. I guess the plan will be to figure that out. In the meantime its benzos for bonzo I guess. And we put on the "everything is cool" act for Christmas. 

Sorry to babble - X


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