# Sharing a Home - Power Issues



## Carmen (Oct 16, 2009)

Hello, I've been married for a little over 2 years and am feeling frustrated with my husband's attitude towards sharing a home. My husband prefers that we keep our finances separate, which would be fine if he could think a bit more fairly about our circumstances. We live in his house (his preference) and I have rented out mine. Neither of us contributes financially towards the other's house. Instead of pitching in towards utilities, I am paying monthly storage fees for most of my possessions (eg, family heirloom furniture). 

I do not enjoy living in my husband's house. I find his foam couch and soft bed uncomfortable compared to my own. I miss my stuff! I worry that my possessions may be damaged in the storage unit, due to lack of climate control. I do not have an equal amount of shelf and storage space, which my husband refuses to recognize. I don't have a desk and most of my clothes are stashed in other rooms, while my husband's are all in our bedroom. He does not want to change the furniture or the way his house is organized. I feel like I am being treated as a second class occupant.

We have a good time together most of the time and he says he adores me, but gets very angry sometimes at night, possibly due to drinking, and tells me to go back to my house if I'm not happy here. He knows very well I can't do that as my house is occupied by tenants. 

He says he is willing to sell his house if I sell mine, but is so picky about where he is willing to live that I am not sure we will find somewhere suitable. I am worried about giving up the income from my rental and am a bit emotionally attached to my house. I put my house on the market once before, only to have him change his mind about sellling his.

Thank you for reading this. Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sounds like he is only willing to do what he wants and ignoring your needs.. Not a good start to your marriage. The drinking will make it worse. Obviously he's trying to escape and the anger will increase the more he drinks. I'm sorry but oyu need to turn this ship around fast.. Good luck..


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

Wow, I think these are some very serious issues with sharing his life and "his" possessions. I'm not sure any advice is going to help except therapy sessions for both of you. I don't think men usually have that many issues with actually partnering up their lives unless there is some real damage from the past.

In the meantime, keep looking for a house that feels like it belongs to BOTH of you. Keep telling him that you feel a bit like a renter and not the co-owner. Read about other couples who keep their money separate and see how they do it successfully (blogs, books, other relationships) and don't expect him to do more than one babystep at a time. Try to bring ONE piece of furniture in from your storage unit; donate some things to Goodwill and buy something new/used that you purchase together; mention to him that you'd like BOTH of your winter clothes in the bedroom... so maybe he could move some of his summer things to another spot in the house so that both of you could 'live' in the bedroom seasonally... just try to do a little at a time and absolutely talk to him about counseling.

Hope that helps


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

Hi, 

Was just wondering why you have your gear in storage anyway? You married right? I think you have to ask yourself why you are keeping your furniture. Deep down you really want to be somewhere in your own comfort zone. If you are married and you can not share bills and furniture, sounds like there are some major issues with the relationship. You not in high school anymore. You are together for life. How much longer are you going to pay a storage company to hold your stuff? Keep your house as it’s a good asset. But you both need to make the decision. Sounds to me as though you both have one foot out the door incased it does not work out. In marriage, you are either in or out and you can not have both. Have a sober conversation about where you stand. Make a list of what you want and what you are going to do with the stuff in storage. It not his home anymore, its both of yours now. Everything is equal now...from the bills right down to the toilet paper. 

If you can not share the bills then something is not right. Someone is hiding something. I could be wrong. But it just seems odd. But people around the world do seem to live certain ways. 

You sure are in a tough position and I wish there was an easy answer. But you know the situation better than anyone and I think deep down inside you know what’s right but are just scared to follow through. 

Sure is a life changing decision, just try talking?
I wish you the best


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## Carmen (Oct 16, 2009)

Thanks for your replies. I wasn't sure if people would think I'm being petty for missing my stuff. My stuff (most of it) went into storage because my husband had been through 2 rounds of stage 4 cancer. He didn't think he was going to last very long after we were married. The good news is that he has been in remission since we became engaged and seems likely to stick around.

I think he has grown comfortable in having his way due to his illness. That having been said, I don't think his behaviour is entirely due to his illness. This is the 2nd time around for both of us and he has mentioned that his first wife left him due to his behaviour. 

I agree that I need to address this with him, but have not had luck when I've tried before. I have tried many times, but will try again. I think maybe I need to give up and sell my house, but not before I see a For Sale sign at his door. The income I am making from my house is probably not worth the stress on this marriage.

There are other issues around his being inconsiderate that I don't know will be solved by moving to a place that belongs to both of us. However, I suspect they are more in the normal range of problems that happen in relationships. He does do nice things for me sometimes and I believe he cares about me deeply. 

Thanks again.


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