# Should I Stay Or Should I Go?



## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

i will try to summarize quickly seeing as i know how much people do not like reading long posts, i have nobody to talk to about this situation and its eating me up inside, i cant sleep at night,

moved in with my fiance after 3 years together unaware and completely in the dark about her financial problems,

she has her own house and i just assumed she could afford it,

i would say about 50% or more of her debt occured as a result of gambling which i always thought was under control, apparently not,

she makes alot more money than me, house is in her name, all our finances are seperate,

we are on the brink of losing the house or having to sell it before we lose it,

i am a contractor and my pay varies, i wont lie i dont make nearly as much as her, i pay some bills when i can, maintain the car, buy food and basically chip in whatever i can,

she is hinting i should be helping out more with bills,

in order for me to help out more and right now (save the house) i would need to pay bills with my credit cards which i have lots of, but im refusing to do that as it will only make the debt worse in the long run, am i correct here???

do i stay and help out?

do we sell the house and rent somewhere?

do i take a break from the relationship and move by myself?

i love her and dont know what to do,

i really need somebody to talk to but have noone 

lonelyman


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

if she can't afford the house, she has no business owning it. So, sell. And rent someplace you can afford.

Establish a plan together on how expenses will be divided AFTER moving out. Do not incur any debt of your own to 'rescue' her or her house. And get transparency on her gambling issues before moving forward in any way together. If she won't get help and transparent with this, leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do not rescue her debt. Tell her that you will adjust your budget IF she goes to Gamblers Anonymous or whatever it's called, and also goes to a therapist to get a handle on her addiction. Tell her that you will NOT help with anything unless she takes steps to control her spending. And that includes cutting up her credit cards.

Or just drive her over to Consumer Credit Counseling.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

thanks for the replies,

no need to cut up the credit cards because she can no longer use them anyway, she has maxed out every credit card she has and line of credit and now has calls all day long because she cant even pay the minimums,

she has 30,000 in credit card debt that i know of, possibly even more, i guess she has been taking cash advances to pay bills and gambling and now has come to the end,

i have already been down the bad credit road and dont want to do it again, i have 40,000 of AVAILABLE credit on my cards but refuse to use it,


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cutting them up is symbolic. People like this will pay down a bit on the card and then just max it out again. If she won't cut up her cards, just leave.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

cutting up the cards is definitely symbolic like Turnera stated. it's necessary...kind of similar to those burning rituals some people do after a break up.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

okay i understand that but cutting up the cards is not really the issue here, im torn on wether or not to stay with her, or temporarily part ways until she sorts her financial situation out, does that seem unreasonable?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Since she makes more this would be tough, but I would say the only way we stay together is of you are in full control of the money coming and going. This means her check gets direct deposited and you dish out the agreed upon allowance. It takes someone responsible to be the VP of finance, and her resume is lacking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And we have all TOLD you not to stay with her unless she is willing to take the steps necessary to prove to you that she will CHANGE her behavior. Telling her to cut them up, and her refusing, would be a great indicator for you to move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is me said:


> Since she makes more this would be tough, but I would say the only way we stay together is of you are in full control of the money coming and going. This means her check gets direct deposited and you dish out the agreed upon allowance. It takes someone responsible to be the VP of finance, and her resume is lacking.


 That's actually a great idea!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I would not further entangle myself with someone so reckless with her income to the point of risking losing a house.

The house is solely in her name and she wants you to help her out by charging up the credit cards you have?

Do NOT do this!

If you and she are to have any kind of life together then she has to fix this.

You cannot fix this. If you are stupid enough to ruin your own credit to fix her screw up, then so be it.

BTW, so what if she makes more money than you. You can be broke spinning through many ducats instead of spending wisely.

I have the impression that you know how to live within your means despite making less than she.

Use that common sense to assess the realistic chance of this relationship working out.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

thanks again for all the replies,

i am not trying to defend her or her gambling, but in her defense she bought the house with her former husband, and i guess he payed alot more than i have been, when they split up i guess it was too much for her to handle but has not realized that till now


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

lonelyman said:


> we are on the brink of losing the house or having to sell it before we lose it,
> 
> do we sell the house and rent somewhere?
> 
> ...


Why do you keep using the word "we"? This is *her* house, *her* debt, *her* bills,* HER* problem. 

Love her all you want, but do not let her take your credit & future down with hers.

I also advise you move out now to avoid any further involvement with the problems associated with her debt. Do not sign _anything_!

This is only your problem if you choose it to be.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

lonelyman said:


> thanks again for all the replies,
> 
> i am not trying to defend her or her gambling, but in her defense she bought the house with her former husband, and i guess he payed alot more than i have been, when they split up i guess it was too much for her to handle but* has not realized that till now*


Um, if she is $30K in CC debt she has known for a long a$$ time something very wrong is happening.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I don't know how much you're contributing. However if you're living in the same household, it's only fair for her to request that you pay 1/2 of the food cost and the utility bills.

Additionally, you should help out with the house payment.

Call it rent if you want, but if you lived by yourself, you would have to cover all these costs.

Granted that she got herself into this trouble and she should be responsible for bailing herself out.

But if you're only contributing very little, it's really not fair on her for you to live there relatively for free ... is it?

Everyone here seems to focus on her problem, but nobody even suggested that you pay your share of the expenses.

Should you stay or go? That's your decision.

But think about this. If you were gone, she could rent out a room or two which could help out financially.

Contributing *WHAT YOU CAN* doesn't sound like you're helping all that much. The fact that she makes more money than you doesn't matter because you're NOT married.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> I don't know how much you're contributing. However if you're living in the same household, it's only fair for her to request that you pay 1/2 of the food cost and the utility bills.
> 
> Additionally, you should help out with the house payment.
> 
> ...


i agree with everything that you said,

and i agree that i should have and should be contributing more towards the bills, i feel guilty now over this for not helping out more, i feel guilty now because i feel like some of this is my fault, and maybe it is?

i can not go back and change that though, i was under the false impression she was affording the house and bills without a problem,

bottom line is if i was to help her out now i would have to put everything on credit, which i dont feel is a good idea


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Cara said:


> Why do you keep using the word "we"? This is *her* house, *her* debt, *her* bills,* HER* problem.
> 
> Love her all you want, but do not let her take your credit & future down with hers.
> 
> ...


thank you and i will not sign anything or get any joint credit or sign mortgage or anything i know that much and i know i need to protect myself here,

i dont know why i refer to the house as "ours" i guess i consider it part mine but in reality it is not,


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

i guess it is going to be another lonely day in "lonelymans" world, nobody to talk to and hard decisions to make which i cant see to figure out 

at least hanging out here and reading some posts makes me feel a bit better


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're ready to step up and support your 'family' as you should be, why don't you do it the right way? Lead the family by putting it on the right path.

Find a Financial Peace University class near you (they go on all the time, and are invaluable for people like you two to learn how to manage your money better), sign both of you up for it, and go. 
(Financial Peace University - daveramsey.com)

Sign her up for a Consumer Credit Counseling session and take her, and then help her implement it.

Work out a budget that you both can afford, that will allow her to keep the house. Figure out where you can cut costs. Do you two eat out? Stop. Learn how to cook together, and use it as a bonding experience to strengthen your relationship. See what you have that you can sell, and put that toward your debt. See if the two of you can start up a business, or ask her to help you increase YOUR business - take a marketing class at the local community college and start marketing your business better; set up a webpage; make fliers. 

Move forward.


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