# Can't change the past, what should i do?



## confusedmike (Apr 2, 2013)

It took me quite a while before i have the courage to post this here. This forum has been very helpful and i thought i could use some advice.

I am 29 this year and she is 26. We got married a year ago and we are currently expecting our first child end of this year. We have been seeing each other on and off for the past 8 years. In between, due to LDR, she used to date another guy while i was posted overseas, and i totally aware of that. I get that, she is lonely during that period of time and she said that she regrets that now, but the past cannot be changed.

Few days back, i was recovering some data from our old laptop and i found some photo, with my wife and her ex boyfriend from college when they were together. I also found a letter she wrote to him. it was quite intimate and what i remember the most was that she loved his smell, his kiss and everything. I am trying to be fair to her and i don't blame her for what happened before we got back together, but it actually hurts me a lot. I told her about the letter and the photo, she got upset and asked me to delete them. What hurt me the most is that for the past 2 years after we get back together, she had some resentment towards my kiss, how I hug her and even my body odor. I felt that there is no love in our marriage and i was just her second choice. She always complains about how i look stupid with my glasses, which i had rectified it by undergoing the LASIK Surgery ayear ago. She complained about my irregularly shaped teeth, i had undergone braces treatment for the past 3 years. She complained about my body shape, i had been going to gym and taking supplements for the past few months. But...body odor and the way i kiss? that is too much isn't it? I felt that she already had a great sex life but it was not with me and now she doesn't feel that from me.

I am a little lost and confused now. I cant be so selfish now. Help?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Selfish? By changing yourself to meet what she wants? I don't think so.

But at some point you need to talk to her and ask her what she doesn't like about your kiss and odor. My father was a machinist and he always smelled of machine oil. No matter what he did he couldn't get rid of it. If it's something you can't change, she needs to reconcile herself to it.

But kissing? Ask her for a demonstration of how it should be done. Pay close attention and ask her to practice it with you every day.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> My father was a machinist and he always smelled of machine oil. No matter what he did he couldn't get rid of it.


My husband used to be on ships all the time (Navy). He smelled like machine oil. His clothes especially. I have to say when he was on deployments, I kept one of his used t-shirts in bed with me to remind me of what he smelled like. 

Any person who tells their spouse to change their physical appearance (genetic stuff) should be ashamed. They are shallow.


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

Mike, you've changed so much to please her, What does she do to please you?
You don't sound at all selfish. She does
The person you marry should love everything about you. She can show you how she likes to be kissed, and you can learn that. Body odour - deodorant? do you shower every day?
It sounds a bit like she resents being with you, Does she still miss the Ex? is she still talking to him?


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## JaySt. (May 15, 2012)

I can't say that I much care for the person in question either, if the story is all true. Only you know if you can deal with her past and poor decisions, even though you obviously already accepted it on a commitment level. Whether or not you should have is entirely up to you, but I kind of think once a cheater, always a cheater and you should be cognizant of that.

That being said I'm not sure her being picky is fair at all. In fact I feel like she should be bending over backwards for you trying to make up for what she did, not the other way around. Sounds like she has some pretty serious control over you (it's not uncommon).

I guess I don't really have any advice, I just don't particularly care for how she handles this situation and I think you have a right to be irritated.


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## confusedmike (Apr 2, 2013)

A big thanks to all those on this forum for your advice in clearing my doubts. My body odor issue? I guess I tend to sweat a lot when I am under stress and anxiety, I cant control it most of the time.I certainly be needing some good deodorant even though i shower twice a day.....
I don’t think she still miss her Ex as I believe she had not been talking to him since then. Perhaps she is just comparing her good experience with them and hoping that I can satisfy the way they did?
By the way guys, she just got admitted to hospital because of bleeding. Perhaps it was due to my confrontation earlier today and I felt guilty for it. I wanted to forget about all this but I am afraid that this issue might become a ticking time bomb, I want her to accept me and understand how I feel about this. What else should I do now?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

confusedmike said:


> By the way guys, she just got admitted to hospital because of bleeding. Perhaps it was due to my confrontation earlier today and I felt guilty for it.


WTF?

Maybe your body odor isn't the biggest issue in your marriage. Care to explain?


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## confusedmike (Apr 2, 2013)

C'mon....we are like 3000+ miles apart as i was posted here in the middle east few months back. Besides that, i love her too much to be doing that to her.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are you sure she isn't seeing him now or at least when you're away? Her complaining about something she felt years ago to you now, doesn't make much sense.

Also you need to stop trying to impress her by changing yourself. Improve yourself only for you. If for whatever reason she dumps you in the future, you at least wont be codependent on her and be able move on faster.


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

You shouldn't be bending over backwards to please with little or no return for ur efforts.Grow some backbone,and assert yourself.Your needs are just as important as hers.No wonder she is not attracted to you,you basically let her deride and belittle constantly.it is time to put your foot down,and demand to be shown the respect you deserve through purposeful actions.Read the following books :Married Man Sex Life Primer by athol kay,No More Mr.NiceGuy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Mike, what kind of bleeding? Vaginal, rectal?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If she doesn't like your scent and she doesn't like kissing you, she's not in love with you. Next, she'll hate how you breathe. 

Or she's pregnant and hormonal and all kinds of things set her off right now, especially smells, even things she might have liked before. 

But if this was all before pregnancy, she's not in love with you and it's not coming back.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sounds like you can't match what she feels about her Ex BF..that's why she keeps criticizing you. You will never be him. Based on that letter, and how she's been treating you, that's what I see going on.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Your wife said you look stupid with glasses on. Really? I would guess you had been wearing glasses most of your life. She married the "stupid looking glasses" guy. 

I don't know what to tell you except she regrets marrying you. It isn't your fault but you are the one who is suffering. You can try marriage counseling but I don't think this is going to get substantially better. She needs to grow up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> If she doesn't like your scent and she doesn't like kissing you, she's not in love with you. Next, she'll hate how you breathe.


See, these two things are absolute, 100% dealbreakers for me. I could not get past a first date with someone who's scent and kiss did not turn me on. I am putting this out there to give a little perspective, in that it isnt YOU. It appears that her heart is with this other person and she is grasping at reasons that you are not satisfactory. Please stop bending over backwards to accomodate this woman. Someone who truly loves you, loves you exactly as you are.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

confusedmike said:


> It took me quite a while before i have the courage to post this here. This forum has been very helpful and i thought i could use some advice.
> 
> I am 29 this year and she is 26. We got married a year ago and we are currently expecting our first child end of this year. We have been seeing each other on and off for the past 8 years. In between, due to LDR, she used to date another guy while i was posted overseas, and i totally aware of that. I get that, she is lonely during that period of time and she said that she regrets that now, but the past cannot be changed.
> 
> ...


I´m not trying to be rude her.But the RED bolded part,beg´s the question why are you still married to her??

I mean at first i thought her behaviour was just her being a prick toward´s you, due to her still having romantic feeling´s
And was about to write something else.But this has been going along way to long.. So what´s the deal with her?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

She's thinks he's puddy that she can form into whatever she wants. That's not love.


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## confusedmike (Apr 2, 2013)

What about the baby? The baby will be growing up without a father if i were to leave this relationship.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Well turns out you and I are in the same boat mike


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

confusedmike said:


> What about the baby? The baby will be growing up without a father if i were to leave this relationship.


Why would you give up your baby just because ended the relationship with the mother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedmike (Apr 2, 2013)

We are of different nationalities and she is back in her home country. From where she came from, fathers tend to lose out as expat parents fighting for custody in foreign court.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

confusedmike said:


> *We are of different nationalities *and *she is back in her home country*. From where she came from,* fathers tend to lose out as expat parents fighting for custody in foreign cour*t.



That is not true. Is your child born in your home country??

Because if your child is born in your country,there is a international Treaty or agreement if you will .That states all child custody issue´s
are to be solved in a court room of the country of the child´s birth.. All member country´s of the UN has signed that treaty..

AND yes it work´s.. If the women(it´s usually a women) does not comply ,the state that she currently resides in is and must comply to step in and basically, if necessary forcefully get the child and return the child to it´s country of birth..And in those cases i know of.The women has always lost full custody... 

I cant remember what the name is of that treaty,but check with a lawyer..But be prepared this can take some time.. 

State department must usually get involved,and the are often not the fastest kid on the block....


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