# My wife is planning on leaving me, she doesn't know i know



## TimeIsOnMySide

I'm sitting in this hotel room, not sure what I'm going to do, feel like I'm going crazy. Extremely sad, even more angry....not even sure why I'm here on this forum. Maybe I just want some place to use as a sounding board, idk. Anyway, our details:

Me 40, W 39, married 18 years
3 daughters, 16, 14 & 2 (the 2 yr old was unplanned)

I just finished up a contracting job a week ago Sunday, 10/2 that was supposed to last about 2 1/2 months longer, but my team and I finished it in just under 10 months instead of the one year timeframe that it was supposed to take. The job was on the road, all across the country, 1 location at a time. During these 10 months I'd come home every other weekend for a 4 day weekend with the family. When the offer came thru for this job, my initial reaction was to say no. I didn't want to be away from the family that much. But my wife encouraged me to take it. She said the money would really put us in a great place, and it will....it has. 

I flew home very early the morning of Mon 10/3, not telling my W about the job finishing early, as I wanted to surprise her. I go to her work....she's the dept head of the computer science program at a small college here locally. In addition, she teaches several classes in the same field at that college. So I go in to the bldg where she teaches and sit on a bench waiting for her class to let out. I can hear her talking, but I don't want her to see me bc I want to surprise her, so I stay out of sight. The class still has about 45 mins to go. A young lady comes and sits on the other end of the bench. She pulls out a book and starts reading. I recognize the book as one from one of the classes that my wife teaches. I ask the young lady if she's in my wife's class. She asks me who my wife is, so I tell her, and she gets this very uncomfortable look on her face. I ask her if she's ok....she just looks at me. After about a minute of awkward silence, she asks if I'm looking to get arrested. I asked her what she was talking about. She says that it's common knowledge that my W and I are divorcing bc I've been physically abusive to her, and that my W has a restraining order taken out on me. I'm dumbfounded by this. I told her I think she's confused. She says she isn't. I told her I was there to surprise my W bc I'm home 2 months early from a job. She stays quiet. She says she's going to go get security. I ask her to please don't cause a commotion, and I tell her to watch....I tell her I'm going to get out of sight and call my W, and she'll leave her classroom and answer, bc she always takes my calls. I told her that I would act like I was still out of state bc I still want to surprise her. She says she thinks I'm just trying to get away. As I'm walking away, I tell her to just watch. I go outside and call my W. She answers after several rings. She's happy to hear my voice. I tell her I just called bc I miss her voice, but I had to go back to work. We exchange "I love you"s and hang up. I head back in and the girl said she doesn't know what the F is going on. She tells me that she saw my W come out of the classroom and take the call. And yes, she seemed very happy talking to me. She then proceeds to tell me that my wife has a boyfriend that is a student there at the college, he was her student last semester, said they don't hide their relationship and it's been going on for a while. Also, the girl knows the guy pretty well....very small college, same field of study, they pretty much all know each other. She says he's in his second year there, but he's "old. like around 30". Jeez, she must think I'm ancient. She also tells me that my W tells everyone that she's divorcing me bc I'm crazy and physically abusive. I tell her that I don't believe her....I don't have a clue what's going on. I've never raised a hand to her. She says even the staff knows. I tell her I don't think this is funny. She tells me to hold on.....she then goes into a computer lab and comes back out with another female. She tells her who I am, and then I get the same reaction from this girl as I did the first one. She calms her friend down and explains the phone call she just witnessed. At this point, reality has started to hit me....I get kind of dizzy, nauseated, can't breathe. I can't believe it....my W is cheating on me and if what I'm hearing is true, it seems like she's planning on leaving me. For a ****ing student!!!!! I decide I'm getting out of there....I leave without saying anything and the girls come chasing out after me. The first one that I talked to gives me her phone number and says I can call her if I want. They both promise to keep my being here in town and at the college quiet. The first girl that I met is visibly angry at my W, as I hear her say, "This is the most ****ed up thing I think I have ever come across....what a *****". I drove aimlessly around town for a couple hours, then I decided to get a hotel. A hotel FAR AWAY. I don't want to be seen by anyone. And now I'm sitting here in this hotel for a week now, thinking, thinking, thinking. I don't understand anything that's going on, but by god I will get to the bottom of it. I'll take my time, figure things out....I mean, I have 2+ months to gather evidence without her knowing I'm here, if that's what I need to do. 

I've already picked up some VARs and I will place them in the house while she's teaching on tomorrow, as well as put one in her car. 

I'm hoping this will all be a misunderstanding.....but it won't be. I'm a realist. She's cheating. God dammit! Right in front of everyone's face. But they're all fooled. And they've all been made to believe I'm the bad guy. ****. 

****. ****. ****. 

Good God I am so ****ing ANGRY!!!!! I've been in this ****ty hotel for a freaking week! And several times a day I think my heart is going to pop out of my chest. I've done absolutely nothing here except get more and more pissed off. I thought we were solid. She was what kept me going on the road this past 9+ months. When did she stop loving me? And why? She knows I could never forgive this...we've discussed it. ****...

I don't understand her blatantly lying to ppl about me being abusive to her and that we're divorcing. I mean, I get that she plans on leaving me, but these ppl she's telling, she knows I can cross paths with them. Not that I ever do....we live in a HUGE city where it's easy to never see anyone you know unless you make the effort to do so. I guess she's counting on that. And there is no restraining order. I checked. Again, blatant lie about me for no other reason than to make me look like ****!

But she wasn't counting on me being home 2+ months early. And I am going to use that to my advantage. 

I'm in a hotel that's more than 100 miles from home, again, bc I don't want anyone seeing me. Being invisible will be my advantage. And I may call that girl that tipped me off. I could use an ally. 

Jesus....I'm so pissed. I don't want to R. Not. At. All. It won't happen. 

I'm going to **** her world up. 

I'll update again tomorrow, if anyone is interested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

Sorry man.

DNA the 2-year-old.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

One more thing.....I got kind of suspicious about a month ago. She sent me a text that said, "I'll be back soon" with a heart emoji. I asked her about it and she babbles nervously, said it was for our daughter. I spoke to my daughter who said she didn't remember getting it. I probed her some more, and she said mom wasn't home much lately bc she was always at work or the gym. My wife did the same babbling about the gym when I asked her. I eventually halfway wrote it off, the way that I've seen a lot of ppl do from threads here. Tried to convince myself it was nothing. But deep down I kind of knew. I read A LOT here before posting. I only just now admitted to myself that a part of the reason for coming home unannounced was to gauge her reaction. I never suspected that if something was actually going on, she'd be so blatant about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Do you have anyone who can go with you when you put the VARs in the house and in her car? It would be best if you had someone there as a witness should she show up for some reason.


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## EleGirl

You might also want to put a gps device on her vehicle.

Does your state have fault divorce?


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## TimeIsOnMySide

EleGirl said:


> Do you have anyone who can go with you when you put the VARs in the house and in her car? It would be best if you had someone there as a witness should she show up for some reason.


I'm going to call that girl. Maybe she'll go. I don't want anyone else to know I'm in the area.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

Staying in a hotel for several months can't be cheap.
Is there a family member you trust that you can stay with instead, while you get your ducks in a row?

I can't believe how she character assasinated you to her class and to the staff.
You need to take the upper hand and have her served, immediately.

Remember to take care of your health. You need to be healthy to see clearly through this process.

You also need to decide whether you are completely done or if you could forgive if she were truly remorseful. I personally would never forgive such actions as she has done, but everyone has to come to terms with their own "thresholds."

Whatever you decide, there will come a time when you will have to come out of hiding and you'll need to communicate with her again, if only to talk about child matters.

I agree with Gus, DNA test your youngest. What you decide to do with the information is up to you.

A spouse that tells such lies makes me think that she has zero love for you, and complete love for herself and maintaining her "victim" mentality.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

EleGirl said:


> You might also want to put a gps device on her vehicle.
> 
> Does your state have fault divorce?


I'll do a GPS if I decide I need to. I already know she's cheating.


And yes I do. Which really doesn't matter bc we have a pre-nup that her dad insisted we get. She's pretty much screwed bc of her dad. He thought I wasn't good enough for her bc I had dropped out of college to go into business for myself. We were in the same college, same major. I dropped out, we got married two years later right after she graduated. I was making money at that time. But now....I make about 30 times what she makes now. The pre-nup states that we maintain separate accounts and we each have our paychecks sent there, although we're each listed on the other one's amount. How we pay our bills is up to us, but in the event of divorce, we each keep what's in our own accounts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

Satya said:


> Staying in a hotel for several months can't be cheap.
> Is there a family member you trust that you can stay with instead, while you get your ducks in a row?
> 
> I can't believe how she character assasinated you to her class and to the staff.
> You need to take the upper hand and have her served, immediately.
> 
> Remember to take care of your health. You need to be healthy to see clearly through this process.
> 
> You also need to decide whether you are completely done or if you could forgive if she were truly remorseful. I personally would never forgive such actions as she has done, but everyone has to come to terms with their own "thresholds."
> 
> Whatever you decide, there will come a time when you will have to come out of hiding and you'll need to communicate with her again, if only to talk about child matters.
> 
> I agree with Gus, DNA test your youngest. What you decide to do with the information is up to you.
> 
> A spouse that tells such lies makes me think that she has zero love for you, and complete love for herself and maintaining her "victim" mentality.



Fortunately, I can afford a hotel for as long as I want. I just got a lump sum final pay out for that job, and it's huge. I put it in a new account, bc if she saw it, she'd know the job was done. I make really good money. 

She'll be served in time. I am done with her. 

The 2 year old.....I'll check her DNA. But I'm sure she was conceived when we took a month long vacation to Hawaii. Nevertheless, better to be safe and check. 

I think I'm going to hire a private investigator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

Show up during her class with flowers...

And the sheriff and a divorce petition.


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## honcho

Sorry for the situation that has been thrust upon you. At this point you know what's going on, your spouse isn't hiding it from anyone but you. She has already cast you in the "monster" role. Your first step now should be to talk to an attorney. Find out what the rules of your state are for divorce. If it's no fault VAR and stuff aren't going to do you much good. You know this isn't just a misunderstanding and the way the rumor mills work around schools the secret of you being back won't stay a secret long. 

Find out your legal rights and process.


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## MarriedDude

I am sorry this is happening to you. I know how tough it is on the road. 

Take care of yourself, hopefully you're at an extended stay...way more like a home. Make sure she doesnt have access to your credit card info that would show your hotel. Eat something....odd are you havent been...exercise, it will help. You need to keep yourself occupied and healthy.

Since you already know its a deal breaker...you have a prenup...just have her served and be done with it. Get a lawyer, like yesterday, have him review the prenup and figure out where the fight will come from....cause it will and you know it. 

Again...take care of you.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

It's over. Period. 

But there are things that I HAVE TO KNOW. I'm looking for a PI right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

weightlifter said:


> Show up during her class with flowers...
> 
> And the sheriff and a divorce petition.


Now that would be epic!


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## MarriedDude

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> It's over. Period.
> 
> But there are things that I HAVE TO KNOW. I'm looking for a PI right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The PI is the best way to go. Please don't go through the phone book (though you don't sound like you would)...

Best to hit up your county sheriff or DA's office to find out who they use (It's public info as it's typically bid out).


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## Marc878

If it were me id do full exposure on her and tine it with the delivery of the divorce papers. Don't confront or say a word. I'm sure the college has a fratrazination policy. Just record some recent phone messages where she's bro so sweet and nice. Use those against her.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

Marc878 said:


> If it were me id do full exposure on her and tine it with the delivery of the divorce papers. Don't confront or say a word. I'm sure the college has a fratrazination policy.



That's the plan
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

MarriedDude said:


> The PI is the best way to go. Please don't go through the phone book (though you don't sound like you would)...
> 
> Best to hit up your county sheriff or DA's office to find out who they use (It's public info as it's typically bid out).



I was using Google. I'll take your advice. Call them tomorrow. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13

Not sure why you've been stewing in a hotel room 100 miles away for two weeks... that far away your hands are tied.

It shouldn't be that hard to catch them red... handed... If she thinks you are far away for two more months.

Rent a car and follow her around. See if the student comes over the house. In all likelihood she must go over to his place during breaks/lunches. They can't go too far since she needs to be home at night - she has two teens and a 2 year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown

When you have the information, expose far and wide.

to her parents, your parents, her class, the school.

Do not have sex with her. She probably has stds.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Not sure why you've been stewing in a hotel room 100 miles away for two weeks... that far away your hands are tied.
> 
> It shouldn't be that hard to catch them red... handed... If she thinks you are far away for two more months.
> 
> Rent a car and follow her around. See if the student comes over the house. In all likelihood she must go over to his place during breaks/lunches. They can't go too far since she needs to be home at night - she has two teens and a 2 year old.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I've kinda been shell-shocked. Lost track of time. 

I'm sure they're not coming to the house. She'd be too worried that the neighbors would see. 

I suspect it's at his place, in their cars, and in her office. It's the office part that I want pics of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

harrybrown said:


> When you have the information, expose far and wide.
> 
> to her parents, your parents, her class, the school.
> 
> Do not have sex with her. She probably has stds.


Everyone will know. 

And the plan is for her to never see me until after it happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I'll do a GPS if I decide I need to. I already know she's cheating.
> 
> 
> And yes I do. Which really doesn't matter bc we have a pre-nup that her dad insisted we get. She's pretty much screwed bc of her dad. He thought I wasn't good enough for her bc I had dropped out of college to go into business for myself. We were in the same college, same major. I dropped out, we got married two years later right after she graduated. I was making money at that time. But now....I make about 30 times what she makes now. The pre-nup states that we maintain separate accounts and we each have our paychecks sent there, *although we're each listed on the other one's *amount. How we pay our bills is up to us, but in the event of divorce, we each keep what's in our own accounts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


get her off your account now, switch to totally different bank.


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## 3putt

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I've kinda been shell-shocked. Lost track of time.
> 
> I'm sure they're not coming to the house. She'd be too worried that the neighbors would see.
> 
> I suspect it's at his place, in their cars, and in her office. It's the office part that I want pics of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does she park in a garage at home?


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## Malaise

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Not sure why you've been stewing in a hotel room 100 miles away for two weeks... that far away your hands are tied.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


100 miles is overkill.

Do you know so many people that 20 miles won't do?


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## TimeIsOnMySide

convert said:


> get her off your account now, switch to totally different bank.


In time....she's biding her time right now for some reason. I think she's waiting until December to make her move, which is when I was supposed to return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

3putt;167230e41 said:


> Does she park in a garage at home?



No...she has it full of random crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

Malaise said:


> 100 miles is overkill.
> 
> Do you know so many people that 20 miles won't do?


I'm just not gonna take any chances. We actually know ppl around 60 miles away in several directions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> No...she has it full of random crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The reason I was asking was we had a BH here a couple of years or so ago that hid her OM in the back seat floorboard until she pulled into the garage. Wayward spouses can get awfully creative, as you've seen for yourself first hand.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

I spoke to that girl earlier. I'll refer to her as M from now on. She's gonna meet me about 20 miles from my house early tomorrow morning, and she'll accompany me there while I place VARs in several locations. We will then go to the college where I'll pull one in her car. Also, she said she would try to put one in her office for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tatsuhiko

Not that it matters, but she might not be planning to leave you at all. She might intend to keep the affair going, but needs to assassinate your character in order to keep some modicum of respect from every colleague and student. Presenting you as a horrible person makes them understand why she's seeing another man. 

What a godawful person she is. Let her slander you publicly and you can speak to your divorce attorney about suing for damages, or compelling her to make a public apology.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

She is godawful. But I don't know when she became that way. She used to be the sweetest girl I knew. So loving...

I have no idea what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

The problem w/ a VAR -- regardless of where you put it -- is that you're going to have to change the batteries regularly. That won't be so easy for you to do from 100 miles away. (Which, by the way, is overkill. It also makes this entire narrative seem ridiculous, but whatever.)

Go to Best Buy, pick up a Canary home security system (or Dropcam or whatever) and then go by your house one day and place it somewhere near the front door/back door/whichever door she uses. Be sure to place it in such a way that she won't see it. With any luck, you'll capture video of her bringing her boytoy home for an afternoon romp.

Or order a hidden camera online and use that instead. You'll likely have to be mindful of batteries, though, and you probably won't be able to view the camera or retrieve recordings remotely.

Be sure to rent a car for the trip.


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## Tobyboy

What's with this girl "M"? Why is she willing to help a stranger out? What's in for her?

What I'm saying is......don't be to trusting with anybody right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude

Tobyboy said:


> What's with this girl "M"? Why is she willing to help a stranger out? What's in for her?
> 
> What I'm saying is......don't be to trusting with anybody right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This^^^^

I mean...maybe OP's wife gave her a bad grade...or she has some other reason to dislike OP's wife.

I highly doubt it's because of any moral (or other) outrage about his wife's actions....that just doesn't seem likely.

Tread super carefully OP


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## 3putt

MarriedDude said:


> This^^^^
> 
> I mean...maybe OP's wife gave her a bad grade...or she has some other reason to dislike OP's wife.
> 
> *I highly doubt it's because of any moral (or other) outrage about his wife's actions....that just doesn't seem likely.*
> 
> Tread super carefully OP


Why is that so difficult to believe? Contrary to what this board illustrates there is a lot more good out there than bad. I agree with erring on the side of caution, but let's not completely dismiss the concept that they are sincere and probably feeling duped themselves. Their reactions to this would seem to justify that.


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## MarriedDude

3putt said:


> *Why is that so difficult to believe? *Contrary to what this board illustrates there is a lot more good out there than bad. I agree with erring on the side of caution, but let's not completely dismiss the concept that they are sincere and probably feeling duped themselves. Their reactions to this would seem to justify that.


Experience


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## Lostme

I would just go home and ruin her plans with lover boy.


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## aine

So so sorry you are in this place. 
You have got great advice here. First make sure you get a lawyer to see what your options are re the children in particular and any financial support for them.
A PI is a good idea if you are in a fault state. I think you could also use the college students to turn the tide on her but tbh, the college girl is a friend of the OM so be careful with divulging too much to her.
Further, what she is doing is unethical surely from the college's point of view. I would lodge a complaint to the college authorities and have her lose her job and blow up their world. As far as I know fraternising with students is a big no no for academic institutions regardless of how old he is.

Keep coming here for support, do you have family you can turn to, siblings or a really good friend, you will need the emotional support?


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## aine

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I spoke to that girl earlier. I'll refer to her as M from now on. She's gonna meet me about 20 miles from my house early tomorrow morning, and she'll accompany me there while I place VARs in several locations. We will then go to the college where I'll pull one in her car. Also, she said she would try to put one in her office for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please be careful, this girl is a friend of the OM right? Do not get double crossed, do not divulge so much to her.


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## 3putt

MarriedDude said:


> Experience


My experience has been quite the contrary. Women of morals can't stand to be duped and lied to like that. They'll shift gears in a nanosecond when they find out the truth.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison

Make sure it's not illegal to put VARs in her personal car or, especially, at the school where she teaches. You know she's cheating and you plan to divorce, so all you need is proof if you live in a fault state or if you need to fight over custody of the kids (most likely). Beyond that, just do what your lawyer advises to get this over as quickly and painlessly as possible.

There are probably several success stories on here of BHs who've decided to divorce immediately after discovery. The one's who have been most successful that I'm aware of never even saw their WW again, except maybe in court, or to exchange kids. Most of those I'm aware of were a few years ago and on other forums. Regulars here can point you to the ones here who've done similar.

best,
-10th Engineer Harrison


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## TimeIsOnMySide

I'm not planning on taking the entire two months. Once I get what I want, I'm going to let her know I'm coming home early. And then check her reaction out. And I'll make sure all financial accounts are secured by then. 

The hundred mile thing....I'm in a city where I lived for a while as a kid. It's comfortable. And the speed limit going home is 75mph. I get there in about an hour and 15 mins, as I speed a little. 

The girl, M, yeah....I'm not letting her get too close. But the talk we had on the phone seemed genuine. She said that she hates cheaters, as she is divorced from a guy that cheated on her with her 1st cousin. She says my W makes her ex look like a saint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

aine said:


> Please be careful, this girl is a friend of the OM right? Do not get double crossed, do not divulge so much to her.


She knows him. Doesn't like him. Says he's an arrogant ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeIsOnMySide

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> Make sure it's not illegal to put VARs in her personal car or, especially, at the school where she teaches. You know she's cheating and you plan to divorce, so all you need is proof if you live in a fault state or if you need to fight over custody of the kids (most likely). Beyond that, just do what your lawyer advises to get this over as quickly and painlessly as possible.
> 
> There are probably several success stories on here of BHs who've decided to divorce immediately after discovery. The one's who have been most successful that I'm aware of never even saw their WW again, except maybe in court, or to exchange kids. Most of those I'm aware of were a few years ago and on other forums. Regulars here can point you to the ones here who've done similar.
> 
> best,
> -10th Engineer Harrison


The VAR is for my info only. I don't plan on using it for any proof. I already have proof. She's flaunting their relationship to everyone at work. Ppl see them at social gatherings showing up and leaving together, and being all over each other while there. 

I've seen some of the famous threads at the other places. I liked this place better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031

Going the PI route is an excellent idea. Remember that without "hard proof" it will be her word against yours and you need to continue parenting with this sorry excuse for a woman! 

You have a two year old that will need for the parents to at least be amicable. Expose to everyone but with hard evidence that she can not throw dirt at.

Best of luck! I hope she gets her just desserts.


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## CantBelieveThis

Wtf is wrong with people sometimes, how could she change like that w/o OP having any clue?? So evil to do wat she is doing!!!, OP what was the state of your marriage quality? 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## MarriedDude

3putt said:


> My experience has been quite the contrary. Women of morals can't stand to be duped and lied to like that. They'll shift gears in a nanosecond when they find out the truth.


That's Great, I am glad you have had good experiences.

IME....people with or without morals can easily be duped....Everyone has desires both physical and other than...people will, as a general rule, take steps throughout their day (and life) that get them closer to fulfilling their desires. Understand a person's desires...you know what motivates them...once you understand a person's motivations the things they do begin to make sense and it can become clear what you need to do to give them a nudge...here or there....It also becomes VERY clear how to manipul..uh...uh..Motivate them -to take steps in the directions that you desire. 

That's all I was recommending to OP...Determine "M"'s motivation...her desire...to do these helpful things.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

CantBelieveThis said:


> Wtf is wrong with people sometimes, how could she change like that w/o OP having any clue?? So evil to do wat she is doing!!!, OP what was the state of your marriage quality?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk



It was great. Seriously, better than anyone I know. We made love at least 12 times a week. We'd sext. She's send me sexy pics. We talked about everything. Handled any crisis together. Held hands all the time. Went out at least once a week. 

Even on my weekends home this past 9 months, nothing was different. I told her that I had to cancel my weekend home with her this past weekend BTW. But I'll be "flying in" this coming Friday. Ugh....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

Since you've been holed in a hotel for two weeks and in your first post you said you come home from work every other week, shouldn't you already shown up at home? Doesn't she wonder where you are and why you haven't come home?


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## Thor

Consider that either M or the other woman have told people about this. The story is pretty juicy, and I expect people will blab. So don't expect it is going to stay secret from your wife for very long.

Talk to a lawyer asap. Today. You need to get your ducks in a row. Really seriously lined up given your income. You can bet she is going to try to get to your money one way or another.

Does your prenup cover alimony?

Once you have filed papers of the right kind, you are probably not responsible for her spending or new loans. She might be obligated to return moneys taken from your account, but the fact she is on there as an authorized person may make that difficult. So talk to your lawyer about how to legally and solidly wall off your assets from her.

Do everything in a way that serves your long term interests. Kid custody and money. While it would be fun to blow everything up publicly, be sure anything you do gets you to your goals. Make sure you don't do anything to torpedo your situation.

Get out of that hotel if you can and get moved in with friends or relatives. You need to be with people and doing stuff, not stewing in a hotel room. I've recently been through a separation and now divorce, and I can assure you things look worse when you're alone and not doing much of anything.

Consider moving back into your home asap. You don't want her to be able to claim you abandoned the kids. And document everything carefully. Your lawyer can advise what documentation will help you with custody, child support, etc.


----------



## EleGirl

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I'm going to call that girl. Maybe she'll go. I don't want anyone else to know I'm in the area.


That's a really bad idea...to get one of her students involved in this. Not only that, the girl would be sure to tell her friends at school what you did.

Most people would be freaked out by you planting VARs in the house and your wife's car. The girl would have good reason to talk to someone else about it.

Don't you have any friends who you trust in the area where you live? 

You could call a PI company and get someone to go with you.


----------



## EleGirl

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> It's over. Period.
> 
> But there are things that I HAVE TO KNOW. I'm looking for a PI right now.


What is it that you feel you have to know?

What difference would that info make?


----------



## destroyd

Dude, the posters above are right. The way the social network is around a college, half the people going there probably knew about you showing up there before you got checked into your 100 mile away hotel. You can just about bet on it. 

Consider your WW to be going into immediate CYA mode and taking the affair underground. She'll have a burner phone, and/or communicate with untraceable apps. 

Be very very careful with vars anywhere other than property you own. In other words, dont do it. 

Do hire a PI to see how far underground she's gone. If you are lucky, and no one has spilled the beans yet, you may get some evidence. Act swiftly, its just a matter of time before the coin drops.


----------



## straightshooter

Time,

Just my $ .02. You are in a better position that most in this ****ty world of infidelity. Looks like her Dad outsmarted his daughter with the pre nup, but make sure from an attorney that it is enforceable. 

Here is what confuses me about your plan. You know she is cheating and you have made the decision ( rightly so) that you have no interest in reconciliation. 

If you need any information for closure, I would just hire the PI but you already know they are acting like a married couple so what is he going to tell you. ??? That they were holding hands or kissing at dinner??? You already know that.

I'd be real careful trusting htis girl that before you got nauseated was ready to call the cops on you. Remember, the VAR in most states is illegal and you are providing a Winters's for your wife if she finds it. Now I have never heard of a WW actually prosecuting a BH for finding the VAR but I am just telling you no matter what you hear on it you do not reveal how you know.

If I was you, I would just have the papers drawn up and swerved to her at work and not even give her the satisfaction of trying to bulk **** you. 

And do not be surprised if she actually is not planning on leaving for this guy. She is in an isolated university environment with a limited audience. Now if she was parading him where all your friends and neighbors would see it that might be a different story. But I would not be surprised if she does try to gas light you.

Remember, you are NOT in a court of law. You are the judge, jury, and executioner and you do not have to justify anythin g to your WW. She knows what's she did and is doing.

Lastly, I agree with Gus. You do not need to be 100 miles away. Get back and get this over with. It is going to be more painful the longer you drag it out and I think you are going to fin it is very hard to maintain your composure being in the same house for the first time since you found everything out.


----------



## EleGirl

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> 
> If it were me id do full exposure on her and tine it with the delivery of the divorce papers. Don't confront or say a word. I'm sure the college has a fratrazination policy.
> 
> 
> 
> That's the plan
Click to expand...

Slow down cowboy!

You need to think this through and get legal advice before you do anything like expose her to her employer for fraternization.

If you pull some dramatic act like that it can back fire on you big time.

For one, the will have proof of what she told others, that you are abusive. You recording her and following her around for evidence can, and often is seen as stalking by the courts.

If she has a good lawyer, she can use that and your exposing her to her employer to get the court to make you pay her spousal support (alimony) until she finds a comparable job. But, after her fraternizing and your pulling some dramatic act with her employer, she will probably never be able to find another job that pays even what she makes now.

Pre nups get thrown out all the time. Your actions could get it thrown out. Yea she's in the wrong right now. But you could turn the tables on any empathy the courts would have for you.

If you have enough info now and you believe what the girl at the school, who you never met before, told you the I think you should just file for divorce.

If you don't believe that a couple of girls that you don't even know tell you, then do a bit of investigation to verify, but stop the snooping as soon as you get proof of what she's up to.

Using a PI is a good idea because you cannot be accused so easily of stalking her if a 3rd party does a lot of this.

Then just file for divorce and move on. Let her explode her own job... after your divorce is final.


----------



## EleGirl

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I spoke to that girl earlier. I'll refer to her as M from now on. She's gonna meet me about 20 miles from my house early tomorrow morning, and she'll accompany me there while I place VARs in several locations. We will then go to the college where I'll pull one in her car. Also, she said she would try to put one in her office for me.


Bad idea.

You do not know this girl. She will most likely tell her friends, who will tell their friends, who will eventually tell your wife's boyfriend... who will tell your wife. Who will then call the police and have you arrested for stalking and illegal voice recording.

It is illegal to video and/or record a conversation that you are not a party to without the consent on the others in the conversation.

Some states require that only one person in the conversation consent. Those are called 'one party states'. In a one party state, the person doing the recording can be the sole person to consent.

The other states are called two party states. In these states, all parties in a conversation must agree to the recording or it's illegal.

And sucking her student into this mess is just horrible.

If I were you, I would call the girl up and tell her that you have realized that this is all a very bad idea so you are not going to do it.


----------



## Tobyboy

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> It was great. Seriously, better than anyone I know. We made love at least 12 times a week. We'd sext. She's send me sexy pics. We talked about everything. Handled any crisis together. Held hands all the time. Went out at least once a week.
> 
> Even on my weekends home this past 9 months, nothing was different. I told her that I had to cancel my weekend home with her this past weekend BTW. But I'll be "flying in" this coming Friday. Ugh....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Something not right. If what you say is true about your marriage, why would she be bad mouthing you to her students? There's nothing to gain by doing that. What proof do you have of an affair other than what "M" told you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Starstarfish

I'd contact a lawyer about how to find out if your wife did indeed have a restraining order taken out on you without your knowledge somehow either through the actual police or some kind of thing with the campus police. If she's so casually telling people this at work, I almost feel like someone at HR or something would have wanted some kind of proof. 

I'd contact a lawyer period. This drive to "get the proof you need" (if you live in a no fault state, it's moot really, and honestly hearing the down and dirty details over the VAR I can only believe will cause more grief than closure) might seriously cost you $$$$ if you don't focus on protecting yourself financially and legally.


----------



## EleGirl

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> *Make sure it's not illegal to put VARs in her personal car or, especially, at the school where she teaches.* You know she's cheating and you plan to divorce, so all you need is proof if you live in a fault state or if you need to fight over custody of the kids (most likely). Beyond that, just do what your lawyer advises to get this over as quickly and painlessly as possible.
> 
> There are probably several success stories on here of BHs who've decided to divorce immediately after discovery. The one's who have been most successful that I'm aware of never even saw their WW again, except maybe in court, or to exchange kids. Most of those I'm aware of were a few years ago and on other forums. Regulars here can point you to the ones here who've done similar.
> 
> best,
> -10th Engineer Harrison


It is illegal.


----------



## GusPolinski

Do not _in any way_ involve either of the women from campus. You think either -- or both -- of them wouldn't rat you out to your wife for an A?

Talk to an attorney. Give him a copy of the pre-nup (that's handy, eh?) and get him to tell you what you need in order to meet whatever burden of proof the pre-nup requires in order to leverage all of the "eject cheating skank" clauses.

Implement aforementioned camera sleuthiness.

If at all possible, get your hands on her phone records.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Herschel

This story almost seems imaginary. If it's not, just rent a car and follow her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

EleGirl said:


> It is illegal.


It's a gray area, but police don't have any interest in prosecuting betrayed spouses for trying to catch their waywards this way. If you can find one precedent for one being prosecuted successfully, then post it.

Just one.


----------



## GusPolinski

3putt said:


> It's a gray area, but police don't have any interest in prosecuting betrayed spouses for trying to catch their waywards this way. If you can find one precedent for one being prosecuted successfully, then post it.
> 
> Just one.


All it takes is an ADA w/ nothing better to do.

To be clear, I'm not one to discourage a bit of discrete sleuthing just so long as everything is under wraps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Starstarfish

Joint property is likely going to be less of a concern (house, car, etc), but trying to sneak a VAR or some kind of device into her office could be deemed breaking and entering or some other violation by the college as the OP is neither an employee or a student, and thus has no arguable right to be on campus when not an allowed guest. 

And trying to get students involved in that mess just seems like a hot wreck. Why would you suddenly trust this "M" how do you know she isn't a total shill for your wife? She could be undercutting you for a better grade. Are you paying cash for everything? Not using any credit cards? How do you know 100% without a doubt your wife doesn't know you are back and is playing you?


----------



## TDSC60

I have to agree with those who say keep out of her office at school. The school could and probably would charge you with something if it became known you were planting listening devices on school property in a professor's office.

Stick with the PI. Tell the PI exactly what you need to trigger the pre-nup cheating clause and let them handle it.


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> All it takes is an ADA w/ nothing better to do.
> 
> To be clear, I'm not one to discourage a bit of discrete sleuthing just so long as everything is under wraps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The last time that happened a career was pretty much tanked. Look up Michigan. Didn't end well for the prosecutor.


----------



## EleGirl

3putt said:


> It's a gray area, but police don't have any interest in prosecuting betrayed spouses for trying to catch their waywards this way. If you can find one precedent for one being prosecuted successfully, then post it.
> 
> Just one.


I know that there are cases of people prosecuted and serving jail time for breaking into their spouse's email and using key loggers.

As for recording, was not able to find any cases where anyone was prosecuted. It does not mean that it has not happened, but only that it did not show up on the first few pages of google searches.

I did find quite a few sites warning people not to record their spouse because it can back fire in divorce court if their spouse can prove that they did it.

This is why I suggested that the OP talk to his lawyer first before doing any of this stuff.


----------



## destroyd

College security offices do take steps to protect its staff. They keep running lists of persons 'not welcome' on a campus for domestic reasons and emails go out to all administrative staff to be on watch for named people. It's usually cases where a real restraining order with law enforcement has been filed, but could possibly be implemented in a case where a 'heads-up' was given to the HR dept by an employee as well. 

I would be inclined to get a lawyer on the case ASAP to ensure nothing had been filed. 

I would not trust anything those girls told you that I could not verify for myself- and I would not be communicating with them any more in any way. That is a mountain of trouble waiting to happen involving a student in any kind of domestic situation. Most colleges look the other way or just do not really care if staff fraternizes with itself- married or not- unless it is with a direct supervisor/subordinate relationship. Policy allows for notification from the involved parties and the subordinate to be moved to report to another supervisor. Everybody is happy then. 

Now staff fraternizing with a student, they take a very, very, dim view on. It is absolutely against most policy, and most likely a firable offense. If your WW is absolutely doing this, she is flirting with her career in the most blatant way.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

soccermom2three said:


> Since you've been holed in a hotel for two weeks and in your first post you said you come home from work every other week, shouldn't you already shown up at home? Doesn't she wonder where you are and why you haven't come home?



Check my earlier posts. I cancelled this past weekend. Told her I'd be home this coming weekend. 

I just got off the phone with the lawyer that is assigned to me at the law firm that I have on retainer for my company. I woke him up. Told him everything. He was shocked. Told me he'd call me back in a bit. He had to make some calls. 

I'll answer more later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

EleGirl said:


> *I know that there are cases of people prosecuted and serving jail time for breaking into their spouse's email and using key loggers.*
> 
> As for recording, was not able to find any cases where anyone was prosecuted. It does not mean that it has not happened, but only that it did not show up on the first few pages of google searches.
> 
> I did find quite a few sites warning people not to record their spouse because it can back fire in divorce court if their spouse can prove that they did it.
> 
> This is why I suggested that the OP talk to his lawyer first before doing any of this stuff.


Then show me the links for these cases because I haven't seen one, at least while they were married that is. I have seen a few where the ex-spouse stalked and got busted, but that's about it. I have no problem being proven wrong here.

And I also have seen no evidence of this backfiring in court. If you can provide evidence of this I would appreciate that also.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

3putt said:


> My experience has been quite the contrary. Women of morals can't stand to be duped and lied to like that. They'll shift gears in a nanosecond when they find out the truth.


I agree... people can find even the smallest amount of courage when a strong value is tested.

At the same time, involving a mostly innocent party beyond your conversation is quite unfair, whether the party thinks it a good idea or not.

Keep your decisions quite close to the legal vest... measure twice, if the "facts" are true, serve once.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

I'm going into the firm first thing tomorrow morning. My guy will be there, along with the firm's family law lawyer, one of the bigwigs there and a PI that they use. 

They said we had to deal with the girl that knows my plans, in one way or another. They want me to have her meet me there an hour after I get there. No idea what they want to do with her. I texted her. I imagine she's asleep now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I'm going into the firm first thing tomorrow morning. My guy will be there, along with the firm's family law lawyer, one of the bigwigs there and a PI that they use.
> 
> They said we had to deal with the girl that knows my plans, in one way or another. They want me to have her meet me there an hour after I get there. No idea what they want to do with her. I texted her. I imagine she's asleep now.


They're probably going to offer her a check to sign an NDA. They want you there an hour in advance so that they can talk you into paying for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I'm going into the firm first thing tomorrow morning. My guy will be there, along with the firm's family law lawyer, one of the bigwigs there and a PI that they use.
> 
> They said we had to deal with the girl that knows my plans, in one way or another. They want me to have her meet me there an hour after I get there. No idea what they want to do with her. I texted her. I imagine she's asleep now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do not deviate from the lawyer's advice. Don't try anything on your own. They probably want to depose the girl as to what she has witnessed going on with your WW and her OM. She might be able to tell them about local hangouts where the two lovebirds frequent. Makes it easier for the PI.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

I just reread the thread. Lots of questions and points I haven't gotten to from you guys. I will tomorrow. I'm exhausted. One thing I want to correct....I guess I'm so tired that I'm not thinking straight. I only make about 6 times what she makes. 


I appreciate all the advice. I wouldn't have contacted my lawyer yet if not for you guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Legend

I wonder of there are any attorneys on TAM that can comment on a potential charge against the WW for knowingly making false statements to injure and defame her husband in such a public setting and given her job. I feel like she could be a liability to the University for fraternization with a student (especially while married) and for defamation of character against her own husband.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Make sure the student is aware of any potential repercussions she will have to deal with if she is caught planting a VAR in an instructor's office.

Colleges frown upon this, she will be expelled, banned from campus and a mark will go on her transcript making it next to impossible for her to transfer. Effectively, she can kiss a college degree goodbye.

Do her a favor, don't involve her in VARs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satya

I agree. Keep the girl OUT of this.
You barely know her. You have no idea what her real intentions are.
Even if they are good, you are putting her degree and relationship with faculty at risk.
Hire the PI and have him/her do the dirty work if you must. You pay them to absorb the risk of detection.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Just woke up. 

M replied last night. Asked if she should bring her roommate. I asked why. She said her roommate was the other girl. I told her to bring her.

And everyone can relax. I'm letting the legal team handle things now. From what little my lawyer said last night, I got the impression that they don't want to drag this out. They want to serve her ASAP, once they have all my ducks in a row, that is. 

Leaving shortly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator

*If you haven't yet visited a good piranha family attorney to assess your legal and custodial rights, then doing now so would be one damned good idea!

And when you leave that appointment, go see your doctor to check you out for the presence of STD's!

Just saying!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Just woke up.
> 
> M replied last night. Asked if she should bring her roommate. I asked why. She said her roommate was the other girl. I told her to bring her.
> 
> And everyone can relax. I'm letting the legal team handle things now. From what little my lawyer said last night, I got the impression that they don't want to drag this out. They want to serve her ASAP, once they have all my ducks in a row, that is.
> 
> Leaving shortly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make sure your lawyer knows about the girls.

They might want people who could give them dispositions.

Why might the girls be doing this for you? 

Revenge. Why revenge? When someone has been seen to be like *this* for weeks:-










and then everyone discovers the truth is that they are really like *this*:-










Then someone has to pay for all that wasted sympathy and all the wrongly spilt tears.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

They're meeting me at the law office, at my lawyers request.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eric1

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Just woke up.
> 
> M replied last night. Asked if she should bring her roommate. I asked why. She said her roommate was the other girl. I told her to bring her.
> 
> And everyone can relax. I'm letting the legal team handle things now. From what little my lawyer said last night, I got the impression that they don't want to drag this out. They want to serve her ASAP, once they have all my ducks in a row, that is.
> 
> Leaving shortly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simple and straight is precisely how you need to handle this. Anything "cute" will just make coparenting harder.

Just do exactly, exactly, exactly what the lawyers suggest. Particularly in concern with your living arrangements, how to contact your wife and how to expose her to friends/family/work. This is critical -- if you just hide behind lawyers 100% you do not expose yourself to anything which could impact custody.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Just woke up.
> 
> M replied last night. Asked if she should bring her roommate. I asked why. She said her roommate was the other girl. I told her to bring her.
> 
> *And everyone can relax.* I'm letting the legal team handle things now. From what little my lawyer said last night, I got the impression that they don't want to drag this out. They want to serve her ASAP, once they have all my ducks in a row, that is.
> 
> Leaving shortly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We're all relaxed dude. 

Gonna pop some popcorn and see how this plays out.

Good luck - I'm out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

You're on the right path now. Lawyer? Check. PI? Check.


----------



## MattMatt

lifeistooshort said:


> My thoughts exactly.
> 
> This whole story fails the sniff test.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well stop sniffing and use the report button!


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Using voice to text bc I'm driving on the highway, so I hope everything comes out right. 

Lawyer just called me. Told me to stop updating thinks thread. I told him last night that I was advised from people here to get a lawyer involved. I guess they talked about it and want me to stop posting here. 

They are going to review the tread when I get there. 

I guess I'll have to wait a bit before I can come back. 

I'll keep a personal journal and use it to post about everything once it's ok to do so. 

Thanks for putting me on the right track.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

lifeistooshort said:


> We'll I don't really know do I? It was just an observation.
> 
> People do all kinds of weird stuff.
> 
> It'll play out.
> 
> Take a deep breath.
> 
> I'll step out of this if you'll feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can assure you I don't need to take a deep breath. 

Just follow the posting rules. Please?


----------



## Thor

TDSC60 said:


> Do not deviate from the lawyer's advice. Don't try anything on your own.


^^^
Just to emphasize the only advice on this thread you should follow.

We can provide our own experiences. We can provide you with generally excellent advice on breaking an affair and how to deal with the relationship aspects of either reconciliation or divorce. We can provide you with emotional support. But never make a move without your lawyer's approval.

Right now your goal is a successful divorce, including the child custody and financial issues. Your lawyer is the expert, so listen to him.


----------



## Thor

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Using voice to text bc I'm driving on the highway, so I hope everything comes out right.
> 
> Lawyer just called me. Told me to stop updating thinks thread. I told him last night that I was advised from people here to get a lawyer involved. I guess they talked about it and want me to stop posting here.
> 
> They are going to review the tread when I get there.


Standard legal advice is to not post anything online about a pending divorce. They don't want you to torpedo your case with something you wrote here.


----------



## GuyInColorado

Be sure to ask your attorney about cashing out all of your assets and taking them to Las Vegas for a last hurrah before you file. Of course no one will know that you really are stashing it in the cookie jar at your mother's house. It's your money now, so you can do whatever the hell you want. Use your knowledge to your advantage. You can fck her big time right now.


----------



## straightshooter

Time,

Listen to the lawyers and fill us in when it is OK.

For any BH lurking out there or playing the "pick me game" go back and re fread this and then write down the actions he took upon discovery. And learn something!!!!


----------



## GusPolinski

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Using voice to text bc I'm driving on the highway, so I hope everything comes out right.
> 
> Lawyer just called me. Told me to stop updating thinks thread. I told him last night that I was advised from people here to get a lawyer involved. I guess they talked about it and want me to stop posting here.
> 
> They are going to review the tread when I get there.
> 
> I guess I'll have to wait a bit before I can come back.
> 
> I'll keep a personal journal and use it to post about everything once it's ok to do so.
> 
> Thanks for putting me on the right track.


Get to 30 posts and have this thread moved to the Private forum, which will render it invisible to Google searches and inaccessible to non-paid members w/ less than 30 posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60

GusPolinski said:


> Get to 30 posts and have this thread moved to the Private forum, which will render it invisible to Google searches and inaccessible to non-paid members w/ less than 30 posts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His "Number of Posts" seems to be stuck on 25. What's up with that?


----------



## BetrayedDad

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> She then proceeds to tell me that my wife has a boyfriend that is a student there at the college, he was her student last semester, said they don't hide their relationship and it's been going on for a while. Also, the girl knows the guy pretty well....very small college, same field of study, they pretty much all know each other. She says he's in his second year there, but he's "old. like around 30". Jeez, she must think I'm ancient. She also tells me that my W tells everyone that she's divorcing me bc I'm crazy and physically abusive. I tell her that I don't believe her....I don't have a clue what's going on. I've never raised a hand to her. She says even the staff knows. I tell her I don't think this is funny. She tells me to hold on.....she then goes into a computer lab and comes back out with another female. She tells her who I am, and then I get the same reaction from this girl as I did the first one. She calms her friend down and explains the phone call she just witnessed. At this point, reality has started to hit me....I get kind of dizzy, nauseated, can't breathe. I can't believe it....my W is cheating on me and if what I'm hearing is true, it seems like she's planning on leaving me. For a ****ing student!!!!!


Sorry. Just leave her like you said you're going to. This whole sting operation you got going on is stupid.

Go home, hand her some divorce papers, and tell her to go fvck herself. Don't over complicate it.


----------



## Cynthia

BetrayedDad said:


> Sorry. Just leave her like you said you're going to. This whole sting operation you got going on is stupid.
> 
> Go home, hand her some divorce papers, and tell her to go fvck herself. Don't over complicate it.


Unless you are going to have her charged with slander which would be a huge deal to pull off. Of course your attorneys would love this as it means more money to transfer from your pocket to theirs.

What is the point of all this? You know you are going to divorce her. Of course you want to protect yourself and make sure she doesn't file false charges against you. That's important to take care of. But it's fairly easy if you find a place to live and get settled in; file and have her served; make sure you have the custody arrangements taken care of; have counselors set up for family counseling for you and the kids; have your finances locked down, etc.

The bottom line is whether this is all to make a good story to tell and to add drama to your life or if you want to be grounded in reality and peace.
Edit to add:


Chaparral said:


> Though he was a bit suspicious, he only has the word of a student that his wife is cheating. He needs a lot more to break up his family.


Good point. It is important to verify the information rather than believing a stranger over your wife.


----------



## 225985

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> But now....*I make about 30 times what she makes now. * The pre-nup states that we maintain separate accounts and we each have our paychecks sent there, although we're each listed on the other one's amount. How we pay our bills is up to us, but in the event of divorce, we each keep what's in our own accounts.


Assuming she might be a part time instructor making $50K, then you make about $1,500,000 per year? What is it you do again?

If true you can clear this up rather quickly hiring a couple of PIs, not hiding at a run down motel 100 miles from home for two months and using a "random" girl as your Vernoica Mars / Nancy Drew. :wtf:


----------



## 225985

GusPolinski said:


> Get to 30 posts and have this thread moved to the Private forum, which will render it invisible to Google searches and inaccessible to non-paid members w/ less than 30 posts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This thread was on Goggle within 5 hours of posting. Pretty fast.


----------



## MarriedDude

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Using voice to text bc I'm driving on the highway, so I hope everything comes out right.
> 
> Lawyer just called me. Told me to stop updating thinks thread. I told him last night that I was advised from people here to get a lawyer involved. I guess they talked about it and want me to stop posting here.
> 
> *They are going to review the tread when I get there.*
> 
> I guess I'll have to wait a bit before I can come back.
> 
> I'll keep a personal journal and use it to post about everything once it's ok to do so.
> 
> Thanks for putting me on the right track.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Brace yourself for the barrage of "No's". At least that's what I hear from most of my lawyers...

It is always best to follow their advice....I mean...that is exactly what you are paying them for. They have your interest (with billable hours a close runner up) first and foremost. DO NOT hesitate to question them and have them prove out their point of view. Any lawyer worth a $hit will be able to get their point across quickly. 

Best of luck to you - You will survive this -This is not the end of the world - This is just another day brother...stayin alive.


----------



## MarriedDude

blueinbr said:


> Assuming she might be a part time instructor making $50K, then you make about $1,500,000 per year? What is it you do again?
> 
> If true you can clear this up rather quickly hiring a couple of PIs, not hiding at a run down motel 100 miles from home for two months and using a "random" girl as your Vernoica Mars / Nancy Drew. :wtf:


He corrected his earlier statement and IIRC he said it's more like 3 times. 

Money is never really the cure all for problems. It doesn't take away the pain of loss. It doesn't reduce the shock of betrayal. I have found that money is the easy part...need more...make more....but it only ever been a means...not the end. It's just not the shield that many think it is.


----------



## Chaparral

Though he was a bit suspicious, he only has the word of a student that his wife is cheating. He needs a lot more to break up his family.


----------



## GusPolinski

blueinbr said:


> This thread was on Goggle within 5 hours of posting. Pretty fast.


They tend to disappear completely within a few hours of being moved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Btw, your attorney should be getting a subpoena for all her social media,emails,texts and phone records.


----------



## EleGirl

GuyInColorado said:


> Be sure to ask your attorney about cashing out all of your assets and taking them to Las Vegas for a last hurrah before you file. Of course no one will know that you really are stashing it in the cookie jar at your mother's house. It's your money now, so you can do whatever the hell you want. Use your knowledge to your advantage. You can fck her big time right now.


Sounds like fun but could backfire.

It's called wasting marital assets. She could sue for her half of all wasted assets.


----------



## ABHale

EleGirl said:


> Sounds like fun but could backfire.
> 
> It's called wasting marital assets. She could sue for her half of all wasted assets.


I believe he said that they have a prenup that her father made them sign. They have never had a joint account. Money was placed in a separate account, I guess, to pay the bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Chaparral said:


> Though he was a bit suspicious, he only has the word of a student that his wife is cheating. He needs a lot more to break up his family.


Yep, he needs to do his own work to find out if there really is an affair going on or if this is a case of a couple of college girls with wild imaginations, a desire for revenge and fabricating drama.

Hopefully the lawyer will actually look out for him and his family and us a PI to find out if the story is real before filing for divorce.


----------



## ABHale

From the way he stated it. Her father thought he was a lazy good for nothing. Thought his daughter was going to out earn OP. He made them sign a prenup stating what she made was hers and what he made was his during the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985

Chaparral said:


> Though he was a bit suspicious, he only has the *word of a student *that his wife is cheating. He needs a lot more to break up his family.


Not just a student. A young, hot student who seems to know all the parties and players, and is willing to drop everything to help this guy. He was lucky to find her through random happenstance.

I used to just walk into my wife's classroom to surprise her, but it's a good thing he decided to wait 45 minutes on a bench and see the girl reading a book his wife happens to use to teach.

Did we ever find out why the student was not actually IN CLASS or why she was hanging out outside the classroom for 45 minutes on a bench?


----------



## EleGirl

​


ABHale said:


> I believe he said that they have a prenup that her father made them sign. They have never had a joint account. Money was placed in a separate account, I guess, to pay the bills.


Yes there is a prenup. It's my understanding that prenups can often be thrown out.

In either case it makes so sense to hide money when a paper trail is easy to build.

If there is a strong pre-nup, why would he need to do that?

If the pre-nup is thrown out, she can sue him for wasted assets.

So trying to hide money does not work out well for him.

I've done the forensic accounting on divorces and traced things like this to prove that a spouse is hiding assets and/or was 'wasted' them. It's not hard to prove. Since the clients had good attorneys, their ex still had to come up with at least 50% of the funds that they hid or "wasted".


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

EleGirl said:


> Yep, he needs to do his own work to find out if there really is an affair going on or if this is a case of a couple of college girls with wild imaginations, a desire for revenge and fabricating drama.
> 
> Hopefully the lawyer will actually look out for him and his family and us a PI to find out if the story is real before filing for divorce.


Interesting theory! It could be someone that is messing with him. Very cruel though.


----------



## Cynthia

I corrected the post I made earlier to reflect that I agree with @Chaparral that it's important to verify that this is not an elaborate joke. Verify to make sure you know what is true.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

GusPolinski said:


> Get to 30 posts and have this thread moved to the Private forum, which will render it invisible to Google searches and inaccessible to non-paid members w/ less than 30 posts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Or pay a few bucks and have it moved now


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60

I hope he comes back with an update eventually. But for now, the lawyer said stop posting so he should stop posting.


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## EleGirl

TimeIsOnMySide,

If you want, I could move this to the private forum. You would have to do the things needed to give you access to them.

Or you could create a social group that allows only invited members to read there. If you need help doing that (and you want to) let me know.

That way you could have a safe place to have people to talk to.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

My father's ex-wife tried to have a pre-nup thrown out during his divorce from her. She claimed that she'd signed it "under duress". The judge said "no" and the pre-nup stuck. My impression is that it's very hard to contest a pre-nup. She signed it to protect _herself_ after all.


----------



## EleGirl

Tatsuhiko said:


> My father's ex-wife tried to have a pre-nup thrown out during his divorce from her. She claimed that she'd signed it "under duress". The judge said "no" and the pre-nup stuck. My impression is that it's very hard to contest a pre-nup. She signed it to protect _herself_ after all.


I'm sure that both he and she will have their current attorneys evaluate the pre nup. We here have no idea if it will hold up in court or not.

Did they both have independent legal counsel? If not, a court could throw it out.

We don't know the provisions in it so we cannot say. Just because one pre nup held up, it does not mean that another one written by completely different lawyers will. I wonder if lawyers were even involved in writing it.


----------



## EleGirl

This is a warning.

It is against forum rules to call a poster a troll on the open forum. 

If you think a poster is a troll, use the report button. Mods will investigate. But do NOT imply, suggest or call anyone out as a troll on the forum.

If you think they are a troll, then just don't post on their thread.

You all know this already. So why are you doing it?

I don't want to have to ban anyone, so let's play by the rules.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


----------



## Starstarfish

Legend said:


> I wonder of there are any attorneys on TAM that can comment on a potential charge against the WW for knowingly making false statements to injure and defame her husband in such a public setting and given her job. I feel like she could be a liability to the University for fraternization with a student (especially while married) and for defamation of character against her own husband.


You have to prove first the fraternization is happening. 

You also have to prove your character was defamed. If she never actually told campus security you were a threat or took any legal action, people talking junk to others isn't usually provable as defamation otherwise any piece of anything someone posted about anyone negatively on FB would be lawsuit worthy. 
Defamation of character is deeper than talking just $h!t, it's talking it in a way or to people that can do you harm in some way. 

That's also ignoring the obvious - the only information we actually have at this point is the word of these two supposedly "horrified" students. Where supposedly they thought this guy was Chris Brown and all of the sudden went 360 and offered her number? I mean ... that's just beyond questionable. How do we have any proof at this point the OM or the affair even exists? 

You talk anything too far without a lawyer and you might sued for defamation of character.


----------



## caruso

EleGirl said:


> {Speaking as a moderator.}


I'm thinking this last part was fairly obvious from the red bold font and the warnings and threats to ban people if they don't follow the rules.


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## EleGirl

caruso said:


> I'm thinking this last part was fairly obvious from the red bold font and the warnings and threats to ban people if they don't follow the rules.


Some people need that made very clear.


----------



## EleGirl

Second moderator warning.

I've deleted the thread jack that basically ignored my previous warning and gave some promised time-out bans.

Only post directly to the OP.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


----------



## 10th Engineer Harrison

A couple other thoughts:

If he's divorcing her, he wants the split to be as amicable as possible because he will have to coparent with her after the divorce. It won't be in his or his kids' best interests for his W to lose her job over this.

Finally, my wife started her affair while sharing an office with the OM in grad school. Two of her professors had affairs with grad students that ended their marriages. The university didn't give a shyte.

-10th Engineer Harrison.


----------



## alexm

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> A couple other thoughts:
> 
> If he's divorcing her, he wants the split to be as amicable as possible because he will have to coparent with her after the divorce. It won't be in his or his kids' best interests for his W to lose her job over this.
> 
> Finally, my wife started her affair while sharing an office with the OM in grad school. Two of her professors had affairs with grad students that ended their marriages. The university didn't give a shyte.
> 
> -10th Engineer Harrison.


Perhaps.

But who'd want to co-parent with somebody who'd have the capability of telling god-knows-how-many people that her husband is abusive and that she has a restraining order against him? All for the sake of justifying her affair to people to whom this information is none of their business, any way. Is that the type of person you'd want raising your kids? If he does leave and file, imagine the things she'd tell THEM, let alone lawyers, judges and anybody else who would listen.

Which is why he needs to prove he's not abusive first and foremost.

From the sounds of it, OP makes enough money to support the kids on his own, so his wife's career is of no concern to him, nor should it be (provided OP's account of all of this is accurate).

If I were him, my primary concern would be proving I'm not guilty of the things she's been saying about me, NOT simply that she's having an affair. False accusations of spousal abuse are far more likely to be beneficial to her than simply his wife stepping out on him would be to him.

After my ex wife left our marriage for another man, I was devastated. Over the ensuing year, I discovered she had been telling people lies to justify what she had done. Nothing like abuse, thankfully, but similarly character-damaging lies, like *I* had had an affair. That kind of thing. Basically made-up reasons to justify why she had a new man in her life. Making me look like a bad person somehow justified her actions to others, many of whom she shouldn't have cared less what they thought.

OP's wife seems to have done the same thing, but in a FAR more damaging way.

Character assassination is a common tactic used by those who are on the defensive, and it often has disastrous consequences for the recipient of it. Even when it doesn't have major consequences, like in my case (a few lost 'friends' and acquaintances), it's still being kicked while you're down, and is a true measure of one's character to have the ability to do this. My ex wife could have owned her affair(s) and life would have gone on, both for her and for me. But for some inexplicable reason, people like her, and OP's wife, feel the need to justify their actions to people that don't matter, or don't care.

But then again, people who are capable of marital betrayal only think of themselves, any way.


----------



## ILoveSparkles

EleGirl said:


> Some people need that made very clear.


You need to ban Caruso just because of his nightmare-inducing clown avatar......

:wink2:


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## Thor

OP, wear a VAR any time you have contact with her. Keep copies of all your emails and texts with her. Record phone calls. If she has really told people at school you are abusive, she may well make false accusations to the police. Don't touch her no matter what. Don't admit to the police to ever touching her in anger. If she blocks your exit from a room, stay calm and don't touch her.

You may need the recordings or electronic communication records to defend against a false claim of abuse. Even if it isn't legal to record without her permission, I would still do it. Such recordings would still be useful to you in defending against false allegations. Just keep any such recordings absolutely secret from everybody if it isn't legal to record her without her permission. Only reveal them if you need to for your own defense.

Remember that when the police are called for domestic violence they are likely to want to take somebody out of the house even without any evidence. If there is any admission whatsoever of physical contact the police are 99% preloaded to take the man to jail. The scales are heavily weighed against the man, and women (and their lawyers) know it. Protect yourself before it happens to you.


----------



## Spicy

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> She is godawful. But I don't know when she became that way. She used to be the sweetest girl I knew. So loving...
> 
> I have no idea what happened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's simply heartbreaking and scary as he!! We all think we know are mates. What a fool she is to throw away her beautiful family for some piece of barely past teen a$$. 

I'm so glad that you found out.


----------



## caruso

Yes said:


> You need to ban Caruso just because of his nightmare-inducing clown avatar......
> 
> :wink2:


Hang in there buddy Halloween is just around the corner.


----------



## Spicy

Wow this was a powerful read.

When you would first discover your love of twenty years, the mama of your babies has done this, and on top of it ran YOU through the mud to anyone who would listen. What is my first thought......REVENGE, and big time. You've got the money to do it and make her hurt nearly as much as she has hurt you.

Then sitting back (and I seriously have been thinking so deeply about this post) I tried to look down the road...a year, five years etc. Coparenting is huge, and it can be a challenge in the most amicable relationships. 

Your kids are going to be shocked and so hurt by what she has done.
My fear, if you move forward with strong revenge, then then will be hurt by that too.
You want to be their shelter from the storm.

Your POS "wife" simply isn't worth it. Let your babies see that mommy destroyed there family and daddy is there to give them nothing but love and comfort in a terrible situation. 

She will get hers. No doubt about it. That's just my thoughts as a mama who went through a divorce a few years back. Time heals, it really does. But you could come out like the most amazing man and father ever if you simply handle this quietly, professionally through your attorneys and their staff. Because when all the pieces finally fall and the dust has cleared, it will be you and your precious babies left to live your life. Love ❤ to you and your babies.


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## 3Xnocharm

Seems to me that OP really needs to get some kind of solid proof before blowing up the marriage. I mean, you cant just go on the word of two strange college students. I am not saying they are lying, but verification is a MUST. 

Waiting to see how this plays out, OP's resolve is admirable.


----------



## MattMatt

Spicy said:


> Wow this was a powerful read.
> 
> When you would first discover your love of twenty years, the mama of your babies has done this, and on top of it ran YOU through the mud to anyone who would listen. What is my first thought......REVENGE, and big time. You've got the money to do it and make her hurt nearly as much as she has hurt you.
> 
> Then sitting back (and I seriously have been thinking so deeply about this post) I tried to look down the road...a year, five years etc. Coparenting is huge, and it can be a challenge in the most amicable relationships.
> 
> Your kids are going to be shocked and so hurt by what she has done.
> My fear, if you move forward with strong revenge, then then will be hurt by that too.
> You want to be their shelter from the storm.
> 
> Your POS "wife" simply isn't worth it. Let your babies see that mommy destroyed there family and daddy is there to give them nothing but love and comfort in a terrible situation.
> 
> She will get hers. No doubt about it. That's just my thoughts as a mama who went through a divorce a few years back. Time heals, it really does. But you could come out like the most amazing man and father ever if you simply handle this quietly, professionally through your attorneys and their staff. Because when all the pieces finally fall and the dust has cleared, it will be you and your precious babies left to live your life. Love ❤ to you and your babies.


What, if anything, has she told the kids?


----------



## MattMatt

10th Engineer Harrison said:


> A couple other thoughts:
> 
> If he's divorcing her, he wants the split to be as amicable as possible because he will have to coparent with her after the divorce. It won't be in his or his kids' best interests for his W to lose her job over this.
> 
> Finally, my wife started her affair while sharing an office with the OM in grad school. Two of her professors had affairs with grad students that ended their marriages. The university didn't give a shyte.
> 
> -10th Engineer Harrison.


Unless it is a fairly strict religious-based university then it's almost certain they will not care.

My female professor ran off with her student lover in the middle of the course, just abandoning her students. The college didn't care. Even though she nearly cost several of us our degrees.

So, reporting her to the university may not really have much traction.


----------



## TDSC60

His lawyer told him to stop posting, hopefully he is still reading.
I want to echo the advice that you get a VAR and keep it with you anytime you are alone with her. If what you have heard is true and she is indeed telling everyone you are abusive and she has a restraining order against you, the next logical step is for her to set you up for arrest citing spousal abuse.

Stay calm. Even if she admits to f*cking half the students at the school and says that they are all better than you, DO NOT TOUCH HER OR RAISE YOUR VOICE.

Really the best thing for you to do is come up with an excuse not to go home until the lawyers and the PI has solid evidence. Then you just have her served. 

If you have to go home - VAR - VAR- VAR - VAR and VAR. Maybe even a nanny cam here and there. Not to catch her, but to protect yourself.


----------



## GusPolinski

TDSC60 said:


> His lawyer told him to stop posting, hopefully he is still reading.
> I want to echo the advice that you get a VAR and keep it with you anytime you are alone with her. If what you have heard is true and she is indeed telling everyone you are abusive and she has a restraining order against you, the next logical step is for her to set you up for arrest citing spousal abuse.
> 
> Stay calm. Even if she admits to f*cking half the students at the school and says that they are all better than you, DO NOT TOUCH HER OR RAISE YOUR VOICE.
> 
> Really the best thing for you to do is come up with an excuse not to go home until the lawyers and the PI has solid evidence. Then you just have her served.
> 
> If you have to go home - VAR - VAR- VAR - VAR and VAR. Maybe even a nanny cam here and there. Not to catch her, but to protect yourself.


Agreed.

Also, find out whether or not your state is a one-party consent state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## syhoybenden

Keep advising. He was here reading at 4:35. Reading but not writing, as per lawyer's advice.


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## Cynthia

@TimeIsOnMySide If you make some more posts, this thread can be moved to private so it's not searchable on Google. You don't have to post any details about your situation, but if you want to post about how you're feeling, that might be helpful to you.


----------



## Vulcan2013

Agree with the others. Move to private, don't post legal strategy. 

Also, you need real evidence, what you have could be a cruel joke or worse.


----------



## Thor

He can just post "Hey good luck" to a bunch of other threads to get his post count up.


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## Bibi1031

Thor said:


> He can just post "Hey good luck" to a bunch of other threads to get his post count up.


or even easier by PMing Elegirl to move the thread like she suggested earlier.

Please remember that you still have a two year old baby to coparent with your soon to be X. Be amicable and very very businesslike from here on forward. Make sure you have documented proof of her deceit in all aspects including trashing YOU. She may try to change the kids against you if you don't get that proof to stop her from damaging your relationship with your children.

I'm speaking from experience as my X tried this with my kids. Mine were old enough to see my proof. You have one that isn't ready for that yet, but the others are. She cannot get away with destroying your image to the kids. That is why you need the lawyer and the PI for!


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## EleGirl

Thread closed at OP's request.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

And now it's reopened...

I figured I'd give everyone an update on what all has happened. I'll skip to the end....divorce will be final in about 5 weeks (I live in Texas where the wait isn't long at all). 

I'll do the best I can with the order in which things happened, but with how little sleep I got over the 3 weeks a after I found out, sole of the happenings get jumbled in my head as far as when. I could look at some PMs between EleGirl to help me with the timeline, but I don't think it really matters. 

BTW, EleGirl rocks! She kept me sane and gave me invaluable advice when I had no one to talk to. She also predicted so much of what was to happen. Thank you, EleGirl, for putting up with my babblings. I owe you. 

Ok....so picking up where I left off....I made it to the law office. Immediately my lawyer has me give him online access to my bank accounts, as well as sign something (power of attorney?) that he could give the bank to have them assist him with my account if need be. They also introduce me to the PI that they're assigning to follow my W. He leaves right after that to go start surveillance on her. They then tell me that they want me to offer the girls money to keep quiet and have them sign an NDA. I agree to it. There's lots of ppl coming in and out of the conference room, lots of whispering. At one point my lawyer puts me on the phone with my bank and has me cancel my W's debit card attached to my account. The girls show up a little while later, and they both agree to stay quiet and sign the NDAs. They try to refuse the money, but I insisted on paying them. I tell them that once it's over, they'll get more. They get taken to separate rooms to give statements. Me and the girls walk out together around 1pm, and I don't remember a whole lot here. I guess I was talking to the girls in the parking lot, but I was kind of out on my feet. I remember not being able to get my key in the door lock. I realize now that I had gotten around a total of 20 hours of sleep over the previous 8 nights, and I had hardly eaten during the same timeframe . I remember not being able to think straight. 

The next thing I really remember clearly is waking up on a couch and not having a clue where I was. Turned out I was at my lawyer's house. The girls had seen the shape I was in, and went in and got him. He came out, saw how I was acting, and then called his wife who came and picked me up and took me to their house. It was nighttime....I think it was around 9pm. My lawyer was sitting in a chair and he noticed I was awake. He told me that a lot has happened while I was asleep. 

(Continued in next post)


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## TimeIsOnMySide

I saw that my phone's alert light was blinking. I looked at it....my W had been blowing me up. Calling, texting, fb msging...she was in full blown panic mode, and my silence while asleep was driving her insane. That made me happy that she could experience a little of what I had been going thru. My lawyer's W had turned it to silent when it started. My lawyer then told me what went down while I was knocked out...

PI gets to the college and waits where he can see my W's car. W & OM walk out a little before noon...they're holding hands. They kiss before they get into the car. OM drives her car.....the car that I bought her for Christmas last year! He follows them to a nearby hotel. They check in and go into a room. He then reports back to the law firm. This was going on while we were in the conference room and remember how I said everyone was scrambling around? This was why...they had found by looking at bank records that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I want in town, that they'd go to this same hotel at almost the same time every day. She wasn't using my account to pay for it, but she was using the debit card to secure the room, as the hotel would put a $100 hold on the card every time they checked in there. Since the hold only lasted 48 hours, there was only ever $200 that was effected, that's why I never noticed. At this point was when I was told to cancel her debit card. Doing so caused some kind automatic communication between my bank and the hotel, alerting the hotel that there was no longer a card securing the room. Around 2pm, W comes out of the room and goes to the hotel lobby. PI follows her. He sees her at the front desk talking to the clerk. after a couple minutes of taking, She walks to a chair, sits down and starts sobbing. This goes on for about 10 mins before OM shows up. He puts his arm around her and she pushes it off and snaps at him very loudly thru her crying. They head back to the room and get their stuff and leave. I have pics of everything....them holding hands, kissing, OM driving my car, them going into the hotel room, her coming out, her talking to clerk, hey sitting and crying, OM trying to console her, them leaving together. 

PI follows them, she drops OM off at the campus and she drives home. The calls and texts start immediately after she dropped him off. 

(More to come shortly)


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## TheTruthHurts

Wouldn't that svck if OP left now without part 2? Truly evil. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MSalmoides

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wouldn't that svck if OP left now without part 2? Truly evil.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OMG this is so surreal. Just imagine the pain here.

~MS


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## becareful2

Who are the girls that you offered money to, your daughters?


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## TimeIsOnMySide

Part 2 is already up!


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## TheTruthHurts

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Part 2 is already up!




Ha we passed in the ethers


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

becareful2 said:


> Who are the girls that you offered money to, your daughters?


They're students at the college where his STBXWW teaches. Apparently they had knowlwdge of a) the affair and b) the lengths to which OP's WW went to demonize him/legitimize the affair, as well as OP's subsequent discovery of the affair.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

The texts and vms are exactly what you'd expect:

I love you
Please call me
We can work this out
I'm so sorry
Etc, etc...

As the hours passed, I got one that really REALLY pissed me off:

I never chose him over you. 


Anyway, I never answered any of the texts. I did call her...it was pretty much a pointless call. She was hysterical. After15 mins of crying and nonsense, she finally talked in a normal voice. I told her I was divorcing her. More crying. I didn't want here why or that it was over or anything. The call is pretty much just a blur I'm my memory...I just remember talking about the D. 

My lawyer said they were going to decide on how to handle exposing to her work. The sleep had done me a lot of good...I had calmed down a lot. I didn't really want her losing her job. But the corner she had painted me into with the lies of abuse and RO, I couldnt not address it at her workplace ....they wanted to talk to her lawyer to figure out a way to do it without her losing her job, even if it involves telling them some "not truths". However, she told me on the phone that wasn't getting a lawyer, bc she said if she couldnt save us, and divorce happened, then she'd take the punishment she deserved

The pre nup that her father INSISTED she do with me bc he just knew I wanted to not work, it states that if the D is bc of infidelity, that the offending spouse would receive no spousal support, no matter the circumstances. I know pre nups can be thrown out, but I also live in an at fault state that doesn't actually require spousal support, so I should be good there. Also, pre-nup states that if D bc of infidelity, the loyal spouse gets the kids and house unless they decide they don't want them. So yeah....the girls are with me permanently. But I gave her the house. I want no memories of her. 

Ok....back to how it happened...I told her I was coming home in the morning. She said she's going to go in to work and then tell them she has an emergency to attend to at home. That just made my day... 


(Still more to come)


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## becareful2

No, keep the house. You can sell it and put the proceeds into a trust for your girls. You have to show her real consequences. Don't give it to a cheater, give it to the other victims of her affair: your children.


----------



## GusPolinski




----------



## MSalmoides

GusPolinski said:


>


I just spit beer on my laptop screen...

~Ms


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

I make sure that I get home right after she leaves for work. I know she won't be gone long, Shi I quickly move into one of our guest rooms. She gets home and She's already crying. Saying self deprecating thing: I'm a *****. I'm worthless. I'm a cheating ****. Wanting me to say, "no you're not". I didn't say it. Then she's all lovey dovey, trying to sit close to me, touch me, get me in bed. It didn'thappen. Then she was back to crying. I felt only disgust for her and I hated that bc . I hate that bc I was never supposed to feel that way about her. It sucked. Still does...

The abuse and RO thing...you think this story is crazy, this is the best part!

OM was her student in the Spring Semester of this year (Jan - May). He would constantly hit on her, would compliment her, show up in her office asking for help that he didn't need and sit really close to her. Always asking her out, knowing she was married. She started flirting back, and an EA was started around March --- texts, phone calls, emails, talking with a little touching hands or backs. She says she broke it off right before the semester ended in May. Said she knew it was wrong, and that she was crazy to jeopardize me and her. Then summer classes started. He showed up at her office on day 2...he was no longer her student. They kissed deeply and had sex in her office. God....I remember when I msged EleGirl about this how I felt sick to my stomach at that time, and I am feeling that way again right now. Anyway, the A was on, hot and heavy. They would basically go NC on the Fridays that I'd come home, and stay that way until I left late Monday mornings. In August, they went downtown to eat at a really nice restaurant. We live in a HUGE city. As such, it's easy to go somewhere and never see anyone you know. But that didn't happen. They were sitting close together, touching, looking like two teenagers in love, when she notices the head of the math Dept across the room staring at her. They used to share an office suite, so hes a close friend of hers. He also knows me very well. He likes me. They can't leave the restaurant without walking right past him. So they go to leave and she stops at his table. She said she was going to apologize to him for making him part of her bad decision, when OM starts talking. He proceeds to tell him that we're separated bc of me abusing her. That he had helped her thru the rough time and had gone with her to get a RO on me. And that bc of gong thru that with her, that they had grown closer together. 

My W can't believe she's hearing this come out of his mouth. She's equally shocked when Math head guy buys it. So she goes along with it, not knowing what else to do. She asks math head to keep it between them. He agrees to do so. But doesn't. He goes to the administration and tells them. At that point it spreads like wildfire. She says she actually regrets that part of the affair the most, more so than the sex. 

I don't. I could get over a lie. Not the sex. 

So that's how it happened. She told me this the first day I was home. She was smothering me that day. And she wouldn't shut up. Even told me to hit her bc she deserved it. 

That first day was pure misery. My girls came home and they were so happy to hear I was back for good. Then they saw the guest room. They asked what was up. Told them we were having problems. That night, W wouldn't leave me alone, so I went into my oldest daughter's room and lay down on the floor. That made W leave me alone. 

(Not done yet)


----------



## Andy1001

MSalmoides said:


> I just spit beer on my laptop screen...
> 
> ~Ms


You start on the beer early.Or was it a late finish.lol.


----------



## MSalmoides

Andy1001 said:


> You start on the beer early.Or was it a late finish.lol.


I started when I found this thread earlier when the first update came in!! I am retired though so it's 5 O'clock somewhere, right?

~MS


----------



## becareful2

Your wife is wicked.


----------



## Andy1001

MSalmoides said:


> I started when I found this thread earlier when the first update came in!! I am retired though so it's 5 O'clock somewhere, right?
> 
> ~MS


I have Irish blood and we drink when we feel like it.In Ireland having a drink problem is having two hands and only one mouth.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

becareful2 said:


> Your wife is wicked.




Ha. Fortunately he found out by coming home early one day. This could have gone unnoticed... now THAT's a horrible thought.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm

So, my question...how in the world did she KNOW...when her card got flagged at the hotel, how did she KNOW that this was you catching her cheating? Seems like most people would think there was an error at the bank or something...


----------



## dubsey

Error codes returned to the merchant will say if it's stolen, lost, closed by consumer, etc.


----------



## MSalmoides

3Xnocharm said:


> So, my question...how in the world did she KNOW...when her card got flagged at the hotel, how did she KNOW that this was you catching her cheating? Seems like most people would think there was an error at the bank or something...


Unless the bank told the hotel that he had called to cancel the card.

~MS


----------



## GusPolinski

3Xnocharm said:


> So, my question...how in the world did she KNOW...when her card got flagged at the hotel, how did she KNOW that this was you catching her cheating? Seems like most people would think there was an error at the bank or something...


Wondering the same thing over here.

Maybe she called the bank and someone there told her that he'd cancelled it earlier in the day.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

W and my lawyer spoke regarding fixing the abuse/RO thing. They agreed for us to all go to the administration together and set he record straight. She would apologize. My lawyer asked me if I wanted her to lose her job. I said no. He then told me the best way to make sure that happened was to act like W and I had reconciled. So we walked in holding hands, sat close together, the whole 9 yards. I was dieing inside. We went in to speak to her boss. She confessed everything. Said she'd accept any consequences. Her boss called the math head in. When he came in, the look he gave me....like he wanted to bite my head off. He was asked to tell the story of the restaurant. He told it, it matched W's story. W told him the truth. He shook his head, but said nothing and left. . W's boss left the room for a while, then came back. She didn't get fired, but lost her position as Dept head. About a 16K pay cut. He then told us that OM is very well known to them. He had been involved in several drama filled As there already. They think he only takes classes to find females that are easy prey. He only gets into relationships with married women. We leave and W is all happy, like, "See! I was a victim!". I shut that **** down really fast. Told her she was a grown ass woman that can think for herself and not to even try it. W never went back to work. She got approved for an LOA until Spring semester starts in January. 


(To be continued)


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

GusPolinski said:


> Wondering the same thing over here.
> 
> Maybe she called the bank and someone there told her that he'd cancelled it earlier in the day.


The hotel had been informed that the card has been cancelled. They told her so. She knew it was me.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Also.....to address a comment from very early on, someone asked why the girl wasn't in the class with my W. The answer is simply, she teaches the same course twice a day on M, W, F and once on Tu, Th.


----------



## MSalmoides

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Also.....to address a comment from very early on, someone asked why the girl wasn't in the class with my W. The answer is simply, she teaches the same course twice a day on M, W, F and once on Tu, Th.


 @TimeIsOnMySide my friend, the karma bus was squarely looking out for you that day my friend. I shudder to think where you'd be right now otherwise. Also... _*RESPECT.*_

~MS


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Ok...on to the in-laws...

Either on day 2 or day 3 at home, MIL comes over. She and W talk....I hear MIL go off on W! It lasts about 20 mins. MIL comes into my room and sits on the bed with me. She apologizes to me for her daughter. Says she's ashamed of her. She told me that W said we were going to work things out. I just looked at her. After about a minute of silence, she said, "You're divorcing her, aren't you?". I nodded yes. She said she didn't blame me for doing so. She hugged me, told me she loved me, then she left. I heard her yell at W again for a couple mins, then she left. 

FIL came over the next day along with MIL. I heard him talk to W in a very stern tone. He then came into my room. He said that his biggest regret in his life was insisting on the pre Nup before we got married. Said after about a year, that he knew he was wrong about me. Said he was always proud of me of how I was as a husband to his daughter, a father to his grandkids, how I ran my business, and he had even grown to think of me as the son he never had. He told me he no longer regretted insisting on the pre Nup, bc now it would benefit me. He actually hugged me. First time ever. 

(Still more....gonna be a bit until the next one)


----------



## moth-into-flame

Sweet revenge. You are hell unbound - you burned her kingdom to the ground. Here comes revenge...just for you.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

As far as the house goes, I'm letting her keep it. Shell have the girls a lot of the time. It'll be good for them to still have home there for them. 

Also, I don't need the $. And the girls are already well on their way to being totally financially secure in their lives.


----------



## harrybrown

So does she have stds? is she pregnant?

will she let you have custody of the kids and a nice D?

has she written a timeline and diary of the A? Did she flunk the POSOM or did she give him an A?

Has she told the kids?

Will she pay you alimony and child support? hope the pre nup really helps.

will she get help for her many problems and how would she feel if you had an A? no problem?


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

The next big update won't be until much later tonight, or maybe tomorrow. I gotta put out a fire at work, could take a while. But I should be able to answer some questions here and there.


----------



## Satya

Wow, just wow...


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

harrybrown said:


> So does she have stds? is she pregnant?
> 
> will she let you have custody of the kids and a nice D?
> 
> has she written a timeline and diary of the A? Did she flunk the POSOM or did she give him an A?
> 
> Has she told the kids?
> 
> Will she pay you alimony and child support? hope the pre nup really helps.
> 
> will she get help for her many problems and how would she feel if you had an A? no problem?


No STDs, and she had her tubes tied after our surprise gift from god a couple years ago. 

She's not fighting the pre nup as far as custody goes. 

No idea if OM passed. I assume he did. 

The kids know....that's my next update. 

Child support will go straight to the kids college fund. 

She's gong to IC now. She's scared ****less that I'll stay seeing someone.


----------



## moth-into-flame

I hope that waste of skin, womanizing do*checanoe was worth it for her. I'll never understand these women that throw away a good husband and family for some filthy sausage. It's tragic.

After the anger wore off for my exww, I was left with a different sentiment: pity. You'll get there too, OP.


----------



## Satya

My advice is, stop worrying what she thinks or feels. That's for her to deal with. 

You worry about you and your children now.


----------



## MSalmoides

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> No STDs, and she had her tubes tied after our surprise gift from god a couple years ago.
> 
> She's not fighting the pre nup as far as custody goes.
> 
> No idea if OM passed. I assume he did.
> 
> The kids know....that's my next update.
> 
> Child support will go straight to the kids college fund.
> 
> She's gong to IC now. She's scared ****less that I'll stay seeing someone.


 @TimeIsOnMySide if what I've seen as a trend on TAM holds true, she probably had no idea that this A would wreck her life so badly, that saying "I'm sorry" and "I love you" would make it all better and things could go on the way they were before. Right?

~MS


----------



## moth-into-flame

MSalmoides said:


> @TimeIsOnMySide if what I've seen as a trend on TAM holds true, she probably had no idea that this A would wreck her life so badly, that saying "I'm sorry" and "I love you" would make it all better and things could go on the way they were before. Right?
> 
> ~MS


Is that true? Do waywards not know that they are burning everything to the ground? How can they not know that?


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

MSalmoides said:


> @TimeIsOnMySide if what I've seen as a trend on TAM holds true, she probably had no idea that this A would wreck her life so badly, that saying "I'm sorry" and "I love you" would make it all better and things could go on the way they were before. Right?
> 
> ~MS



It's more that she just didn't think. She was living in the moment. She said that once the initial euphoria wrote off, she had started to worry bc she had no endgame. She was planning to break it off in December before I came home and I'd never find out.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

MSalmoides said:


> @TimeIsOnMySide if what I've seen as a trend on TAM holds true, she probably had no idea that this A would wreck her life so badly, that saying "I'm sorry" and "I love you" would make it all better and things could go on the way they were before. Right?
> 
> ~MS


Probably. What is different about THIS particular story is that this time, the betrayed husband actually has BALLZ and is dumping her cheating ass without remorse or a chance at reconciliation. Too often we see men on here who fall apart and cry and beg for her to dump the OM and reconcile....doing the pathetic "pick me" dance while the cheating wife cake eats and rug sweeps. This is one we don't see enough of here.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> It's more that she just didn't think. She was living in the moment. She said that once the initial euphoria wrote off, she had started to worry bc she had no endgame. She was planning to break it off in December before I came home and I'd never find out.


I don't believe that for a second.


----------



## MSalmoides

moth-into-flame said:


> Is that true? Do waywards not know that they are burning everything to the ground? How can they not know that?


I've done a lot of reading here and on other sites. What got my interest was seeing SO DANG MANY cheaters around me over the years but never really taking the time to understand them and how the mind of a cheater works. One of the things that I've read over and over is that many cheaters don't truly understand, or want to understand, the extent of the damage they will cause if they are caught because they justify the cheating in their minds (i.e. The Fog), then think that their spouses will give them another chance if caught.

If @TimeIsOnMySide's WW actually took the time to logically think through her decisions before she made them, do you think she would've understood the damage and consequences? Probably but she obviously didn't. In her mind, the superficiality of the thrill was justified and if she got caught, forgivable. Once again, to @TimeIsOnMySide...RESPECT. Sure there are times that maybe it's worth trying to R, but from what I am reading here? Rot in Hell. And I'm not usually the one calling for the pitchforks...

~MS


----------



## Satya

Yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing. 
And she enjoyed the bliss of it all until the Karma bus came crashing through the hotel wall like the kool-aid man.


----------



## GusPolinski

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> It's more that she just didn't think. She was living in the moment. She said that once the initial euphoria wrote off, she had started to worry bc she had no endgame. She was planning to break it off in December before I came home and I'd never find out.


LOL.

Suuuuure...


----------



## MSalmoides

3Xnocharm said:


> Probably. What is different about THIS particular story is that this time, the betrayed husband actually has BALLZ and is dumping her cheating ass without remorse or a chance at reconciliation. Too often we see men on here who fall apart and cry and beg for her to dump the OM and reconcile....doing the pathetic "pick me" dance while the cheating wife cake eats and rug sweeps. This is one we don't see enough of here.


Say it again sister!! I've had so many male friends do that dance and it was gut wrenching to watch. What would have ended up unfortunate for them if they had just left would eventually end up being much worse when it was finally over.

~MS


----------



## MSalmoides

Satya said:


> Yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing.
> And she enjoyed the bliss of it all until the Karma bus came crashing through the hotel wall like the kool-aid man.


I'm feeling guilty for piling on here because I'm sure @TimeIsOnMySide is still hurting, but dang...










~MS


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Whether it's true or not....I just don't care. Had she just been holding hands and sharing an ice cream cone with him, I'd still be divorcing her. 

To her credit, she answered every question with such detail holding nothing back, every gross sexual aspect of it, she told me if I asked. Maybe bc I made her read here for 2 days before I asked any questions.


----------



## GusPolinski




----------



## moth-into-flame

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Whether it's true or not....I just don't care. Had she just been holding hands and sharing an ice cream cone with him, I'd still be divorcing her.
> 
> To her credit, she answered every question with such detail holding nothing back, every gross sexual aspect of it, she told me if I asked. Maybe bc I made her read here for 2 days before I asked any questions.


She read this thread?


----------



## MSalmoides

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Whether it's true or not....I just don't care. Had she just been holding hands and sharing an ice cream cone with him, I'd still be divorcing her.
> 
> To her credit, she answered every question with such detail holding nothing back, every gross sexual aspect of it, she told me if I asked. Maybe bc I made her read here for 2 days before I asked any questions.


The reason I am so, so sympathetic to you is because of my career in the military. I was gone A LOT during our 30-year (and counting) marriage. I completely trusted (and trust) my wife. *We* made a decision to endure these separations because it was in the overall best interest of the financial future of our family. Your wife was on board with your absence because it was an important financial benefit and she agreed that the sacrifice of separation was worth it. Until she betrayed you while you were being a loyal husband, separated from your children, sleeping in hotels, going through the stress of off-site work, no sex, and basically shouldering the majority of the discomfort of your separation. All she had to do was keep her legs closed (no sex). See the equation? She definitely wanted the math ALL in her favor.

~MS


----------



## moth-into-flame

MSalmoides said:


> I've done a lot of reading here and on other sites. What got my interest was seeing SO DANG MANY cheaters around me over the years but never really taking the time to understand them and how the mind of a cheater works. One of the things that I've read over and over is that many cheaters don't truly understand, or want to understand, the extent of the damage they will cause if they are caught because they justify the cheating in their minds (i.e. The Fog), then think that their spouses will give them another chance if caught.
> 
> If @TimeIsOnMySide's WW actually took the time to logically think through her decisions before she made them, do you think she would've understood the damage and consequences? Probably but she obviously didn't. In her mind, the superficiality of the thrill was justified and if she got caught, forgivable. Once again, to @TimeIsOnMySide...RESPECT. Sure there are times that maybe it's worth trying to R, but from what I am reading here? Rot in Hell. And I'm not usually the one calling for the pitchforks...
> 
> ~MS


My exww was different - she knew (I don't know at what point) that if I knew, I'd divorce her. When I found out, I wanted to R (after a few days of seething anger). I just wanted to save my family. She kept saying "I know you - you'll never ever forgive me for this. You won't be able to get past it". I kept saying "yes I will, yes I CAN!!". After a while I convinced her and we agreed to R. Then she was over the moon. Really scared I'd leave at anytime, but SO happy I would give her a second chance. 

Of course she was right the whole time - there's no way I was going to be able to R. I honestly tried harder at that than I ever have at anything - but it was an impossibility. I left after a couple months of false R. It wasn't my intention - but I have to say, in a dark way, it felt good to make her fall in love with me again, then walk away. She got just a taste of the pain she caused me.


----------



## Andy1001

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> It's more that she just didn't think. She was living in the moment. She said that once the initial euphoria wrote off, she had started to worry bc she had no endgame. She was planning to break it off in December before I came home and I'd never find out.


Every wayward was just about to break it off when they got caught


----------



## GusPolinski

moth-into-flame said:


> My exww was different - she knew (I don't know at what point) that if I knew, I'd divorce her. When I found out, I wanted to R (after a few days of seething anger). I just wanted to save my family. She kept saying "I know you - you'll never ever forgive me for this. You won't be able to get past it". I kept saying "yes I will, yes I CAN!!". After a while I convinced her and we agreed to R. Then she was over the moon. Really scared I'd leave at anytime, but SO happy I would give her a second chance.
> 
> Of course she was right the whole time - there's no way I was going to be able to R. I honestly tried harder at that than I ever have at anything - but it was an impossibility. I left after a couple months of false R. It wasn't my intention - but I have to say, in a dark way, it felt good to make her fall in love with me again, then walk away. She got just a taste of the pain she caused me.


This sounds very familiar.

Have you ever posted here under a different account?


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Gee my life seems really boring today for some reason


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## moth-into-flame

GusPolinski said:


> This sounds very familiar.
> 
> Have you ever posted here under a different account?


----------



## Mr.StrongMan

Hi TimeIsOnMySide,
I was reading your thread on the way home from work. I just have one or two questions. I hope you don't mind.

Did you talk to your wife before you took the word of two strangers who happened to be students? If it were me I would not go by the word of a student. I would talk to my wife...
Also, did you ever find out if what they were saying was true? I planned on reading the rest of your thread but since I just got home I figured I would ask you first.

I'm really sorry you are going through this very painful experience. I feel for you.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

moth-into-flame said:


> She read this thread?


No....this thread was well hidden by the time I showed her this place, LS and SI.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Andy1001 said:


> Every wayward was just about to break it off when they got caught



Lol....mine wasn't just about to. She admits she was gonna keep banging him for two more months.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

kindMe77 said:


> Hi TimeIsOnMySide,
> I was reading your thread on the way home from work. I just have one or two questions. I hope you don't mind.
> 
> Did you talk to your wife before you took the word of two strangers who happened to be students? If it were me I would not go by the word of a student. I would talk to my wife...
> Also, did you ever find out if what they were saying was true? I planned on reading the rest of your thread but since I just got home I figured I would ask you first.
> 
> I'm really sorry you are going through this very painful experience. I feel for you.


Nope....didn't talk to her first. 

I had my doubts until student #2 got involved. She had a look of sheer terror on her face when she saw me. 

And as I'm sure you know by now, it was all true.


----------



## MSalmoides

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Lol....mine wasn't just about to. She admits she was gonna keep banging him for two more months.


This just adds fuel to the pain. Dang.

~MS


----------



## becareful2

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> As far as the house goes, I'm letting her keep it. Shell have the girls a lot of the time. It'll be good for them to still have home there for them.
> 
> Also, I don't need the $. And the girls are already well on their way to being totally financially secure in their lives.


I know you don't need the money. It 's not about money; it's about the consequence of her wicked betrayal.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Nope....didn't talk to her first.
> 
> I had my doubts until student #2 got involved. She had a look of sheer terror on her face when she saw me.
> 
> And as I'm sure you know by now, it was all true.


TimeIsOnMySide how did you find out it's all true?


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

kindMe77 said:


> TimeIsOnMySide how did you find out it's all true?


Guess you haven't read everything yet? :smile2:


----------



## *Deidre*

What a terrible mess, I'm sorry you were treated this way.  Hope 2017 is much better for you!


----------



## Absurdist

Time - did she ever get to her "why"? If you look around TAM you see spouses who were distant, lacking in affection, cold etc. You don't appear to be any of those things other than work distance.

So... why? What was her explanation?


----------



## Mr.StrongMan

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Guess you haven't read everything yet? :smile2:


No. It's a long thread. I did read a lot. Was it the part when you saw them eating an ice cream and them holding hands?


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Absurdist said:


> Time - did she ever get to her "why"? If you look around TAM you see spouses who were distant, lacking in affection, cold etc. You don't appear to be any of those things other than work distance.
> 
> So... why? What was her explanation?


Getting attention from a new, younger guy. That's it.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

kindMe77 said:


> No. It's a long thread. I did read a lot. Was it the part when you saw them eating an ice cream and them holding hands?


That didn't actually happen...lol

The PI got pics of them together holding hands, kissing and going to a hotel.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Absurdist said:


> Time - did she ever get to her "why"? If you look around TAM you see spouses who were distant, lacking in affection, cold etc. You don't appear to be any of those things other than work distance.
> 
> So... why? What was her explanation?


And during my weekends home, from that Friday when I would get home until I left Monday, we'd have sex probably 9 times. She'd initiate a lot. 

Once of leave, the behavior would change. The girls noticed it. I'll talk about that in my next big post.


----------



## becareful2

What exactly did you tell the girls? Or was she the one who told them? What was their reaction?


----------



## Satya

Not to sound crass here or insensitive, but if the OM had a known reputation, I wonder how many other women he was banging at the same time.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

becareful2 said:


> What exactly did you tell the girls? Or was she the one who told them? What was their reaction?


Coming....there's a lot to that one.


----------



## *Deidre*

Not sure if this was mentioned but it will be helpful to research a little about narcissistic personality disorder. Your wife seems to have the hallmark traits of a narcissist, and it can help you see that her behaviors aren't personal to you. BUT...a narcissist will blame their SO's for their poor choices. Just thought I'd share that here, because after break ups, it's so easy to analyze everything, and second guess yourself. Her infidelity, and BS isn't about you, it's about her...being a narcissist.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

*Deidre* said:


> Not sure if this was mentioned but it will be helpful to research a little about narcissistic personality disorder. Your wife seems to have the hallmark traits of a narcissist, and it can help you see that her behaviors aren't personal to you. BUT...a narcissist will blame their SO's for their poor choices. Just thought I'd share that here, because after break ups, it's so easy to analyze everything, and second guess yourself. Her infidelity, and BS isn't about you, it's about her...being a narcissist.


I've considered that....but she's never placed any blame whatsoever on me. 

When I had the thread "hidden", I was pm-ing EleGirl quite a bit. At one point she said, "From what you've told me about your W, how she's acting, the things she's saying, I expect her to have a complete breakdown soon". A day later, boom. The first of several.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> That didn't actually happen...lol
> 
> The PI got pics of them together holding hands, kissing and going to a hotel.


Oh no!!! I'm sorry.


----------



## 3putt

kindMe77 said:


> Oh no!!! I'm sorry.


Here you go, km77-



TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I saw that my phone's alert light was blinking. I looked at it....my W had been blowing me up. Calling, texting, fb msging...she was in full blown panic mode, and my silence while asleep was driving her insane. That made me happy that she could experience a little of what I had been going thru. My lawyer's W had turned it to silent when it started. My lawyer then told me what went down while I was knocked out...
> 
> PI gets to the college and waits where he can see my W's car. W & OM walk out a little before noon...they're holding hands. They kiss before they get into the car. OM drives her car.....the car that I bought her for Christmas last year! He follows them to a nearby hotel. They check in and go into a room. He then reports back to the law firm. This was going on while we were in the conference room and remember how I said everyone was scrambling around? This was why...they had found by looking at bank records that EVERY SINGLE DAY that I want in town, that they'd go to this same hotel at almost the same time every day. She wasn't using my account to pay for it, but she was using the debit card to secure the room, as the hotel would put a $100 hold on the card every time they checked in there. Since the hold only lasted 48 hours, there was only ever $200 that was effected, that's why I never noticed. At this point was when I was told to cancel her debit card. Doing so caused some kind automatic communication between my bank and the hotel, alerting the hotel that there was no longer a card securing the room. Around 2pm, W comes out of the room and goes to the hotel lobby. PI follows her. He sees her at the front desk talking to the clerk. after a couple minutes of taking, She walks to a chair, sits down and starts sobbing. This goes on for about 10 mins before OM shows up. He puts his arm around her and she pushes it off and snaps at him very loudly thru her crying. They head back to the room and get their stuff and leave. I have pics of everything....them holding hands, kissing, OM driving my car, them going into the hotel room, her coming out, her talking to clerk, hey sitting and crying, OM trying to console her, them leaving together.
> 
> PI follows them, she drops OM off at the campus and she drives home. The calls and texts start immediately after she dropped him off.
> 
> (More to come shortly)


----------



## Absurdist

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Getting attention from a new, younger guy. That's it.



No my friend, that's not it.

There is something much deeper. Issues you really have no knowledge of. It would be like peeling an onion to understand them.

Since you're divorcing, it really doesn't matter for you but she needs to understand herself.


----------



## Lauranie

I’ve read your whole thread and well... wow, just wow. I think that aside from that point where you weren’t taking care of yourself you have made all the right choices. Can’t say I didn’t do the exact same thing when I was betrayed. 

Marriage is based on Love Trust and Respect. Your wife not only betrayed your trust she disrespected you by allowing people to believe you were a monster to justify her actions. 

I have two pieces of advice for you... even though I’m new here too:
First is to always question what part of her remorse is from hurting you and what part was remorse for the actions that hurt herself. 

Second, when it comes to assets custody and finances, I think you are covered. I just want you to remember your self-respect in every decision you make with regards to the above, especially the children. Make no major decisions out of anger. You never want to question the quality of the person looking back at you in the mirror. 

It’s not fair because you are on an emotional rollercoaster when you whole life is changing, but you are forced with making decisions today that will follow you for a very long time, if not a life time.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan

3putt said:


> Here you go, km77-


So by her knowing the debit card was canceled that's how she knew that you found out?


----------



## Blondilocks

kindMe77 said:


> So by her knowing the debit card was canceled that's how she knew that you found out?


Please read the thread and stop looking for your attention fix.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan

Blondilocks said:


> Please read the thread and stop looking for your attention fix.


There's no attention fix. I'm just trying to find out exactly what's going on. Now back to the OP.


----------



## MSalmoides

kindMe77 said:


> There's no attention fix. I'm just trying to find out exactly what's going on. Now back to the OP.


She figured it out once the bank told the hotel and told her that it had been canceled. 

~MS


----------



## JohnA

I re-post this from time to time on different boards. I am amazed at how many woman PM me asking can this ge true? Never as a guy questioned it. To late for your wife perhaps save it for your daughters to help protect them. I really respect your in-laws. Her dad did his best for her, she screwed it up. Anyway here is the post 



A player:

Thus was posted by a player who posted this. *What BS needs to understand that the void in a player is only within themselves and will never be filled. *Literary it is a case of it really is them and only them. *
Understand the player will always be looking for his next fix in an endorse quest to fill an unfillabke void.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message*


Thus was posted by a player who posted this. *What BS needs to understand that the void in a player is only within themselves and will never be filled. *Literary it is a case of it really is them and only them. *
Understand the player will always be looking for his next fix in an endorse quest to fill an unfillabke void.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message*


----------



## JohnA

Finally odd you should mention how helpful Elegirl was as I just suggested to a new poster to read her posts. So time for you to give back some of the help Elegirl gave you: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...morse-emotion-responsibility-her-actions.html. His first post was today. Click and go help him.


----------



## aine

kindMe77 said:


> There's no attention fix. I'm just trying to find out exactly what's going on. Now back to the OP.


As she said, please read the thread! FFS!


----------



## Malaise

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> That didn't actually happen...lol
> 
> The PI got pics of them together holding hands, kissing and going to a hotel.


That's why people suggest PIs. Worth the money.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

I think it was the afternoon of my 2nd day back in the house...I told W that our daughters were old enough to be told what was up. And that I was telling the truth of what was going on. She agreed. We told them. I did most of the talking. They didn't say much...but they did say that they already knew for a couple months. That they're not dumb or blind. Then they just went to their rooms. Oldest one was sending death glares at W. 

That evening was spent with WW going from telling me that we were gonna be ok to crying and saying self deprecating things, to saying how she'd prove to me that she'd be worth another chance. I remember saying that she'd already proven to me that she WASN'T worth it. That sent her to her room crying. 

Sometime in the middle of the night, my girls came into the room. Said they wanted to talk to me. They told me that they've been talking and they decided that they were going to live with me, and also they weren't letting mom have custody of the 2 year old either. They said they knew how to take care of her just as good as mom. Also, they wanted me to be happy. So that meant that they were ok with me dating and hopefully remarrying. My mind is blown at this point. They're both talking so grown up sounding. They go on to say that I'm considered the hot dad among all their friends. I'm like, ok, stop. I don't need to here about teenage girls crushing on me. They keep talking and tell me that some of their friends that have single moms, that their moms all want me. And that it would be alright if I dated them. Lol. I realized that They were trying really hard to make me not sad. I pulled them to me and we had a 3-way hug going when who should appear? Yep...W. 

She tells us she heard everything and she tells my daughters that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to her for them to be talking to me about that. That was the wrong thing to say...16 year old daughter (16D from here on out) EXPLODES on W. I don't remember the order in which it was said, but here it went something like this:

16D: Inappropriate?!? Disrespectful?!?! Are you freaking serious right now? Are you? Because those two words only describe one person in this room....and that's you, MOTHER!!! It all started with the inappropriate texting, and giggling. Then it escalated to inappropriate talking on the phone and giggling, and then whispering on the phone. And do you think we thought you were talking to dad? Then locking yourself in your room so you can do whatever it was you were doing in there. Ali the while, WE'RE raising 2D. Not you! Me and 14D! Oh sure, you'd put on the act for the 4 days that dad would come home for every other week, but as soon as Monday afternoon came, you disappear again. And seriously? Going to the gym, EVERY SINGLE EVENING? We have a gym HERE! You're the only person that can work out every day for almost 3 months yet never lose weight or get toned. Working out.....please! The only thing you were working out was you mouth and your VAGINA!!! And now for the other word....disrespectful. You have been disrespectful to all of us the entire time this has gone on. How could you do this to dad? How!!!! He took such good care of you and loved you like no other dad we know loves their wife. Y'all were different....special. Stop looking down! Look at him there.....you've destroyed him! The man you took a vow before everyone yall knew, before God, and you swore to love him and be faithful forever! You disrespected the most decent man you or I know. And you disrespected me and 14D. We're not supposed to have to be moms. But we did it anyway bc while you may have been here physically, you still weren't here. So you know what? You threw me and 14D away for this other guy....well now we're throwing you away. You're not our mom anymore!!! 

They then went to their rooms. W went to her room, and I heard her throwing up. She cried for hours stopping only to throw up several times throughout the night. 

Gong to sleep now....more tomorrow morning.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

One last quick note that I left out....when W answered all my questions, I found out that they would have sex 3 times a day: morning in her office, afternoon in the hotel and evening in her car. 

Jesus....I feel sick now after typing that.


----------



## Satya

I strongly suggest.. Near insist, you go get tested for STDs.

Your stbx has endangered your health in so many, unforgivable ways.


----------



## Lauranie

Wow... I almost feel bad for your wife. Almost. Remember these are the consequences for her actions, you are under no obligation to mitigate them. At least you know where the kids stand. Sounds best that they do stay with you. If they ever intend to redevelop any form of positive relationship with their mother they may need some counseling. Then again in a few short years they will be old enough to make those decisions themselves. 
Oh and please remember to allow for some extra visitation with the in-laws for the kids, without their mom. The in-laws will be insecure and worried and so will the kids about the relationship. They also don’t need the stress of the object of their anger there to sour it.


----------



## sokillme

This is a terribly sad story. Your wife basically prostituted her whole life and her whole families life away for some tawdry sex and complements. She doesn't even seem to have the self awareness when she learns that she has been played out of her entire life's inheritance, and an honorable man, retirement, grand parents, for a predator to have deep shame. She is a fool. A pathetic fool. But she has to little self awareness to realize it. She is bubbling along trying to put on the bright face, could it be more pathetic? She gave up her honor for a cheap date. The fact that she let this kid accuse you of abusing her. Her loyal husband who helped raise her kids and support her is monstrous. That may be one of the worst things I have ever read on any of these sites. One thing I will say OP is people don't suddenly become like this, you should see if she has cheated before. I wouldn't be surprised in the least. 

Again cheaters are emotionally less evolved then everyone else. This post is proof. A person who had a solid core would be to the point of suicide with humiliation and shame. How can she live with herself.


----------



## becareful2

Wow... horrific stuff to read. I stand by what I said. Your wife is wicked. I'd throw her to the curb and never look back. You've been too lenient because this level of betrayal + smearing your reputation gets my "scorch earth" seal of approval. I would have gotten her fired, too.

The two young moms, 16D and 14D, need a house. Take it, hold on to it, and one day sign it over to them. Those moms need a house to take care of their baby sister/"daughter".

Your daughters feel what they feel. Don't pressure them to forgive or make up with your wife any time soon; let them do it when they're ready. The ball's in your wife's court now. Get them into therapy if this crap sandwich affects their emotional health and school performance.


----------



## TaDor

Wow. And glad the state allows quick divorce. Comes in handy for such situations.

Things really fell into place for you, meeting those students. Nice of your girls trying to help, but it'll be a while before you'll be open to such things.

I'll call bull on the "I was gonna break it off in Dec" as well. She would have continued until the POSOM got bored... Especially if she's having phone giggling sessions up to the time you dropped the hammer. Any real guilt she would have done it already. Of course, considering you had a prenup in place, out was foolish for her to have gambled... And lost big. But that's just thinking about herself, not you or the 3 kids which should have been the main firewall.

Sucks that there are guys out there that look for women who are married with kids. POSOM like that have the least to lose. 

Plan on therapy for the teenagers, it can't hurt. Even toddlers are harmed by breakups. Even IC can be helpful for you.

Wish you and the kids best of luck in this crisis.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Time, if you ever find yourself in austin I want to buy you a beer, your story just crushes me. Thank you for sharing it.


----------



## GusPolinski




----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

That next day, WW stated in her room crying and getting sick. My daughters stayed home from school that day, and eventually one of them called MIL to come get involved with W. MIL takes her to her therapist, they spend over 3 hrs with the Dr. and W gets put on ADs, but they don't seem to help her too much. 

MIL said the therapist wanted to put her in the hospital, but W refused. MIL said I needed to be careful around her and not make her get too emotional for any reason. I told her that would be easy, I didn't want to talk to her anyway. W overheard this and said that we always told each other that we'd love each other forever, and she has never stopped loving me, ever. I told her that I was pretty sure that when OM had his penis in her, that I doubted that her mind was filled with loving thoughts of me. Or how about all the times she swallowed him, was she thinking of me with loving thoughts then? She started crying, asked how I could be so cruel to her? That she'd never been directly cruel to my face nor would she ever be. I told her that the fact that she didn't see what she did as being cruel to me reinforced my decision to divorce her. 

MIL then told me that someone needed to be with her round the clock to look after her. I told her that me and the girls would go get a hotel room and let OM come take care of that. Neither me now the girls had a hand in her having sex with this other guy over and over and over, so we're sure not gonna assist in her repairing herself from that action.

MIL stayed at the house with her for about 3 days.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Since I'm not doing this real time, I keep remembering things that I skipped over, such as:

The day after I came home, W recvd 3 texts from OM, and has never heard from him again. She showed them to me. 

They were something like:

- I think we should stop seeing each other. 

- I'll always cherish the memories of our time together

- I think I should have a talk with your H 

Aside from those texts, W has been NC with him since after the hotel drama. 

I have no desire to talk to him. 

I also recvd a text from student #1 (M) on day 2 (I think) of being home saying that OM was telling anyone who would listen how he broke up with W and that's why she hadn't been at the college, bc she was distraught over it.


----------



## syhoybenden

Sounds like OM requires an attitude adjustment with a sock full of quarters.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Since then, W has been back to the Dr for her breakdown several times, and even admitted to the hospital for a few days one time. She cries a lot. A LOT. She's lost about 35 lbs. She was actually diagnosed with PPD from when she had our daughter 2 years ago. I never noticed anything. The doc said she was hiding it, and that it was a factor in what led to her A. My answer to that: I don't care. 

A couple weeks ago, she wouldn't stop bugging me: 

"just tell me what to do, I'll do anything to keep you", over and over and over. So I told her to move in with OM, and then cheat on him with me for 3 months, having sex with me 3 times a day, once in her office, once in a hotel and once in her car. And every 10 days, she would get 4 days to dedicate to him. I told her that after those 90 days, I'd take her back. She locked herself in the bathroom for the night after I said that, and cried for hours.


----------



## GusPolinski

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Since then, W has been back to the Dr for her breakdown several times, and even admitted to the hospital for a few days one time. She cries a lot. A LOT. She's lost about 35 lbs. She was actually diagnosed with PPD from when she had our daughter 2 years ago. I never noticed anything. The doc said she was hiding it, and that it was a factor in what led to her A. My answer to that: I don't care.
> 
> A couple weeks ago, she wouldn't stop bugging me:
> 
> "just tell me what to do, I'll do anything to keep you", over and over and over. So I told her to move in with OM, and then cheat on him with me for 3 months, having sex with me 3 times a day, once in her office, once in a hotel and once in her car. And every 10 days, she would get 4 days to dedicate to him. I told her that after those 90 days, I'd take her back. She locked herself in the bathroom for the night after I said that, and cried for hours.


Don't forget that OM should be footing the bill for the hotel.

Also, the car has to be a car that he bought for her.

And just for the sake of completeness, she should divorce you, marry him, and have 3 kids w/ him first.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

She voluntarily took a polygraph early last week. These were the questions she came up with and her answers:

Aside from OM, have you ever cheated on H with anyone else? No

Were you planning on ending it with OM before H came home permanently? Yes

Do you love OM? No

Did you love OM? No

Do you love your H? Yes

Did you ever have OM in your house? No

Did you ever go to OM's house? No

Did you use protection with OM every single time? Yes

Do you wish you were still in a relationship with OM? No

Do you want to live the rest of your life with your H? Yes

Have you been truthful when answering your H's questions about your relationship with OM? Yes


She passed 100%. 

And I don't care.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

W was relentless in trying to get me to take her back. She would do things like walk around the house naked or in lingerie (while the girls were gone, of course). 

I am moving into my new house Dec 31st. But I couldn't take it and Tuesday off last week I moved into a furnished extended stay type of hotel/apt. 

Several days ago it hit me how much I owe to M (student #1). I had my lawyer look into her and found that she had racked up quite a bit of Student loans. So I paid them off. I figured if not for her, I'd still be being made a fool of and living a lie. W may have gotten away with it scot clean! Not sure if M knows I paid them off. I didn't tell her.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

And that's pretty much it...


----------



## GusPolinski

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> She voluntarily took a polygraph early last week. These were the questions she came up with and her answers:
> 
> Aside from OM, have you ever cheated on H with anyone else? No
> 
> Were you planning on ending it with OM before H came home permanently? Yes
> 
> Do you love OM? No
> 
> Did you love OM? No
> 
> Do you love your H? Yes
> 
> Did you ever have OM in your house? No
> 
> Did you ever go to OM's house? No
> 
> Did you use protection with OM every single time? Yes
> 
> Do you wish you were still in a relationship with OM? No
> 
> Do you want to live the rest of your life with your H? Yes
> 
> Have you been truthful when answering your H's questions about your relationship with OM? Yes
> 
> 
> She passed 100%.
> 
> And I don't care.


Hmm... way too many questions for a poly.

Also, any poly that she voluntarily agreed to take is a poly for which she prepared, which renders the results highly suspect.

Who suggested the poly?

How much time lapsed between first mention of the poly and the poly itself?


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

She kept saying to anyone that would listen that she wanted to take one. One day her dad showed up and said he arranged one. Those were the questions that he came up with. 

As far as how many....I have taken them twice for jobs that I was bidding on for my business, and had way more than that both times.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

But again....I just don't care.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Additionally, she wrote the questions.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

rrrbbbttt said:


> Additionally, she wrote the questions.


Her father did. He actually wrote them expecting her to fail. He has had no relationship with her since this began. However, he's been super cool to me. He asked if we could remain friends after the D bc he's grown to really enjoy being around me.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

I just realized that I worded that wrong. The questions were questions that she agreed upon with her father. His goal was to prove she was lieing. Hers was to prove she wasn't.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Sorry bout that.....been a long night at work. I never got to sleep.


----------



## MSalmoides

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> One last quick note that I left out....when W answered all my questions, I found out that they would have sex 3 times a day: morning in her office, afternoon in the hotel and evening in her car.
> 
> Jesus....I feel sick now after typing that.


This is beyond soul crushing.

~MS


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

I get the feeling that some of you think I'm going to R. 

I'M NOT. 

It won't happen. I may have taken some of what W has told me at face value. But it's really bc it's just not worth it to stress over her probable lies bc we're over. 

It's been almost two months since I found everything out, and I've never wavered in my end goal of D. Believe me, deep down, I'm crushed. I can't believe she did this to us....to me. Thoughts of her disgust me. Every single morning, I wake up and for a split second, I think I'm still with her and I've forgotten about everything. Then it hits me. And I start feeling nauseated. It really sucks. 

But I'm also actually looking fwd to being single and finding the real "one". She's out there. Somewhere.


----------



## Malaise

Her telling the truth now doesn't make up for all of the previous lies. Not one.


----------



## MSalmoides

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I get the feeling that some of you think I'm going to R.
> 
> I'M NOT.
> 
> It won't happen. I may have taken some of what W has told me at face value. But it's really bc it's just not worth it to stress over her probable lies bc we're over.
> 
> It's been almost two months since I found everything out, and I've never wavered in my end goal of D. Believe me, deep down, I'm crushed. I can't believe she did this to us....to me. Thoughts of her disgust me. Every single morning, I wake up and for a split second, I think I'm still with her and I've forgotten about everything. Then it hits me. And I start feeling nauseated. It really sucks.
> 
> But I'm also actually looking fwd to being single and finding the real "one". She's out there. Somewhere.


I can't tell you how much I've been thinking about you since I saw this thread for the first time yesterday. My wife read it and was HORRIFIED. She said something like "any woman who thinks of their loving and supportive husband as sloppy seconds deserves a special place in Hell." Your situation is off the charts.

We've been together for 30 years with one son who is off to college next Fall. Neither of us could imagine being in your place. Since the early days of our marriage, we've talked about growing old and wrinkly together and it hurts to read your story. Heck, we just talked about selling everything and traveling across Europe for a year or two. Your cheating, deceitful, s**t w***e of a wife ROBBED you and your children of that kind of relationship legacy. They will look back and see that the history of their lives was forever tainted by your selfish, cheating wife. To me, this is the saddest part of it.

I sure hope that you find peace. It may take some searching but it's out there.

~MS

PS. Sorry, that is almost a rant. It's just so heartbreaking. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the woman you loved but dang.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

GusPolinski said:


> Don't forget that OM should be footing the bill for the hotel.
> 
> Also, the car has to be a car that he bought for her.
> 
> And just for the sake of completeness, she should divorce you, marry him, and have 3 kids w/ him first.



You have some killer lawyers and this guy is a serial predator.

I like Karma... it's our conscience serving up clarity when we fail to listen and learn.

I wholeheartedly believe in Karma... and sometimes it takes longer to be applied than we like.

Perhaps I'm flawed here... I'll make it up in meditation... considering all laws in TX, can your team turn up the legal heat on this guy (OM)? I'll not recommend destroying him... he has already done a pretty good gob on that himself, but cause and effect... perhaps some legal action will cause him a critical self-evaluation for his actions.


----------



## Evinrude58

This story is hard for me to believe. If the OP is really this ballsy and can get over his wife's betrayal this easy and just turn the corner on a dime and get out, I applaud his strength and admire his attitude. I just find it suspect, I guess I'm just thinking how wimpy I personally was when I found out about all my ex's bs she pulled, and can't see a man actually showing this much strength (I thought I was a pretty strong person as a whole, until this happened and I let it turn me into a jelly donut for a while), and his wife acting in the way she is-- remorseful and such after all the lengthy raunchy sex with a student (they usually aren't in my opinion, and just hated to get caught, and they have no feelings left for their husband)

It's like a soap opera. Just hard to digest.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I get the feeling that some of you think I'm going to R.
> 
> I'M NOT.
> 
> It won't happen. I may have taken some of what W has told me at face value. But it's really bc it's just not worth it to stress over her probable lies bc we're over.
> 
> It's been almost two months since I found everything out, and I've never wavered in my end goal of D. Believe me, deep down, I'm crushed. I can't believe she did this to us....to me. Thoughts of her disgust me. Every single morning, I wake up and for a split second, I think I'm still with her and I've forgotten about everything. Then it hits me. And I start feeling nauseated. It really sucks.
> 
> But I'm also actually looking fwd to being single and finding the real "one". She's out there. Somewhere.


This makes me happy to read. I never have thought you would possibly R, but still. I don't know how ANYONE could R after what she has done. I am glad that your daughters know the truth and have called her out the way they did. Kids always deserve the truth.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Evinrude58 said:


> This story is hard for me to believe. If the OP is really this ballsy and can get over his wife's betrayal this easy and just turn the corner on a dime and get out, I applaud his strength and admire his attitude. I just find it suspect, I guess I'm just thinking how wimpy I personally was when I found out about all my ex's bs she pulled, and can't see a man actually showing this much strength (I thought I was a pretty strong person as a whole, until this happened and I let it turn me into a jelly donut for a while), and his wife acting in the way she is-- remorseful and such after all the lengthy raunchy sex with a student (they usually aren't in my opinion, and just hated to get caught, and they have no feelings left for their husband)
> 
> It's like a soap opera. Just hard to digest.



I've noticed that on every thread that seems to captivate the forum, that inevitably, someone doubts the authenticity of the OP. I'm not gonna say that I wish I was making it up, bc if I did wish that, that would mean I'm some kind of freak who gets off on making a story up like this for nothing but attention. 

I've told my wife since day 1 that cheating is a deal breaker for me. We've discussed it casually several times throughout our marriage. 

There's a part of me that wants to take her back, hold her and go on with my life with her in it. But I can't. I know that I'd never look at her the same way. And I need that...I need to love my wife 100%, with no reservations. Life is too short to settle for less. Maybe being financially set makes it easier for me to just leave and never looking back. The threads I see where the OP says they can't leave bc they'll be destitute absolutely pulls at my heart. I'm very lucky to be in the financial situation that I'm in. 

As far as her having remorse after this....I guess that getting dumped by OM once the going got tough provided the rude awakening that she needed. 

It would be easier if she were still seeing him. And unremorseful. But it would also be harder. I think I prefer it the way it's happening.


----------



## turnera

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> She voluntarily took a polygraph early last week. These were the questions she came up with and her answers:
> 
> Aside from OM, have you ever cheated on H with anyone else? No
> 
> Were you planning on ending it with OM before H came home permanently? Yes
> 
> Do you love OM? No
> 
> Did you love OM? No
> 
> Do you love your H? Yes
> 
> Did you ever have OM in your house? No
> 
> Did you ever go to OM's house? No
> 
> Did you use protection with OM every single time? Yes
> 
> Do you wish you were still in a relationship with OM? No
> 
> Do you want to live the rest of your life with your H? Yes
> 
> Have you been truthful when answering your H's questions about your relationship with OM? Yes
> 
> 
> She passed 100%.
> 
> And I don't care.


I thought you only get 3 questions in a polygraph. 

And who came up with these questions? The wife? I call foul.

ETA: I notice you had an explanation once someone called it into question. 

fwiw, I hope it's a true thread so that some of the other weak men can learn from this.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Ok guys....I need some sleep now. This time it's for real as the "fire has been put out" at work.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Evinrude58 said:


> This story is hard for me to believe. If the OP is really this ballsy and can get over his wife's betrayal this easy and just turn the corner on a dime and get out, I applaud his strength and admire his attitude. I just find it suspect, I guess I'm just thinking how wimpy I personally was when I found out about all my ex's bs she pulled, and can't see a man actually showing this much strength (I thought I was a pretty strong person as a whole, until this happened and I let it turn me into a jelly donut for a while), and his wife acting in the way she is-- remorseful and such after all the lengthy raunchy sex with a student (they usually aren't in my opinion, and just hated to get caught, and they have no feelings left for their husband)
> 
> 
> 
> It's like a soap opera. Just hard to digest.




I'm curious how many OP could have missed all the warning signs if the behavior was this egregious.

Did your WW exhibit reckless behavior in the past? Did you have voyeuristic or exhibitionist tendencies in your home sex life? Did her boundaries regarding sex change? Or were there always very few boundaries? Did she exhibit risky behavior in any other ways?

Such drastic behavior raises questions but perhaps answering questions like the ones I posed might shed some light on her mental state, FOO issues, progression to MLC or something that might make this more comprehensible.



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----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

turnera said:


> I thought you only get 3 questions in a polygraph.
> 
> And who came up with these questions? The wife? I call foul.


Her dad came up with them and she looked them over maybe an hour before the test. Her dad paid some place to do it. He's more pissed off than I am over this whole thing. It's crazy....I thought he didn't care much for me.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm curious how many OP could have missed all the warning signs if the behavior was this egregious.
> 
> Did your WW exhibit reckless behavior in the past? Did you have voyeuristic or exhibitionist tendencies in your home sex life? Did her boundaries regarding sex change? Or were there always very few boundaries? Did she exhibit risky behavior in any other ways?
> 
> Such drastic behavior raises questions but perhaps answering questions like the ones I posed might shed some light on her mental state, FOO issues, progression to MLC or something that might make this more comprehensible.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



There were no warning signs when I was around. Her therapist says she'd just "turn it off" whenever I would come home. 

Our sex life was awesome! We averaged more than once a day. But she never wanted to swing or include others or anything like that...and there was no change in her sexual appetite during the A.


----------



## moth-into-flame

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I think it was the afternoon of my 2nd day back in the house...I told W that our daughters were old enough to be told what was up. And that I was telling the truth of what was going on. She agreed. We told them. I did most of the talking. They didn't say much...but they did say that they already knew for a couple months. That they're not dumb or blind. Then they just went to their rooms. Oldest one was sending death glares at W.
> 
> That evening was spent with WW going from telling me that we were gonna be ok to crying and saying self deprecating things, to saying how she'd prove to me that she'd be worth another chance. I remember saying that she'd already proven to me that she WASN'T worth it. That sent her to her room crying.
> 
> Sometime in the middle of the night, my girls came into the room. Said they wanted to talk to me. They told me that they've been talking and they decided that they were going to live with me, and also they weren't letting mom have custody of the 2 year old either. They said they knew how to take care of her just as good as mom. Also, they wanted me to be happy. So that meant that they were ok with me dating and hopefully remarrying. My mind is blown at this point. They're both talking so grown up sounding. They go on to say that I'm considered the hot dad among all their friends. I'm like, ok, stop. I don't need to here about teenage girls crushing on me. They keep talking and tell me that some of their friends that have single moms, that their moms all want me. And that it would be alright if I dated them. Lol. I realized that They were trying really hard to make me not sad. I pulled them to me and we had a 3-way hug going when who should appear? Yep...W.
> 
> She tells us she heard everything and she tells my daughters that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to her for them to be talking to me about that. That was the wrong thing to say...16 year old daughter (16D from here on out) EXPLODES on W. I don't remember the order in which it was said, but here it went something like this:
> 
> 16D: Inappropriate?!? Disrespectful?!?! Are you freaking serious right now? Are you? Because those two words only describe one person in this room....and that's you, MOTHER!!! It all started with the inappropriate texting, and giggling. Then it escalated to inappropriate talking on the phone and giggling, and then whispering on the phone. And do you think we thought you were talking to dad? Then locking yourself in your room so you can do whatever it was you were doing in there. Ali the while, WE'RE raising 2D. Not you! Me and 14D! Oh sure, you'd put on the act for the 4 days that dad would come home for every other week, but as soon as Monday afternoon came, you disappear again. And seriously? Going to the gym, EVERY SINGLE EVENING? We have a gym HERE! You're the only person that can work out every day for almost 3 months yet never lose weight or get toned. Working out.....please! The only thing you were working out was you mouth and your VAGINA!!! And now for the other word....disrespectful. You have been disrespectful to all of us the entire time this has gone on. How could you do this to dad? How!!!! He took such good care of you and loved you like no other dad we know loves their wife. Y'all were different....special. Stop looking down! Look at him there.....you've destroyed him! The man you took a vow before everyone yall knew, before God, and you swore to love him and be faithful forever! You disrespected the most decent man you or I know. And you disrespected me and 14D. We're not supposed to have to be moms. But we did it anyway bc while you may have been here physically, you still weren't here. So you know what? You threw me and 14D away for this other guy....well now we're throwing you away. You're not our mom anymore!!!
> 
> They then went to their rooms. W went to her room, and I heard her throwing up. She cried for hours stopping only to throw up several times throughout the night.
> 
> Gong to sleep now....more tomorrow morning.


Holy ****.


----------



## moth-into-flame

syhoybenden said:


> Sounds like OM requires an attitude adjustment with a sock full of quarters.


Lol.


----------



## MyRevelation

Time,

I gotta admit that at times I considered the veracity of your story, but then I recalled my own experiences and several others I've read and how often times these BH/WW situations play out like a bad soap opera. It really seems there is no level too low for some middle aged WW's to stoop to keep some fantasy ego kibbles coming their way. As shallow as that sounds, its amazing how otherwise well adjusted, educated, allegedly mature, married women can loose their ****ing minds over empty compliments from the least likely of sources.

In addition to the above your story sticks out from most BH's due to your clarity and strength exhibited in defending your core beliefs. Way too many BH's cling to the empty hope of the "pick me dance" mistakenly thinking that their special snowflake is some prize worthy of giving up their self-respect.

Also, your D16 is an amazing girl. You should be proud that you instilled such a well defined sense of right and wrong in her, because we know it didn't come from her mother.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out, from one BH to another, to offer a sincere "attaboy" for how you've conducted yourself in the face of quite the ****storm. 

Kudos to you, Sir!!!


----------



## moth-into-flame

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> She voluntarily took a polygraph early last week. These were the questions she came up with and her answers:
> 
> Aside from OM, have you ever cheated on H with anyone else? No
> 
> Were you planning on ending it with OM before H came home permanently? Yes
> 
> Do you love OM? No
> 
> Did you love OM? No
> 
> Do you love your H? Yes
> 
> Did you ever have OM in your house? No
> 
> Did you ever go to OM's house? No
> 
> Did you use protection with OM every single time? Yes
> 
> Do you wish you were still in a relationship with OM? No
> 
> Do you want to live the rest of your life with your H? Yes
> 
> Have you been truthful when answering your H's questions about your relationship with OM? Yes
> 
> 
> She passed 100%.
> 
> And I don't care.


This is why poly's aren't admissible in court - not for 1 second do I buy they used a rubber every time.

But yeah - who cares. What difference does any of that make? Stay strong brother.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Time, 

have you asked why ? what was missing you that she need to seek comfort with a student...what did he have you did not have? and most importantly was it worth?


----------



## moth-into-flame

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I get the feeling that some of you think I'm going to R.
> 
> I'M NOT.
> 
> It won't happen. I may have taken some of what W has told me at face value. But it's really bc it's just not worth it to stress over her probable lies bc we're over.
> 
> It's been almost two months since I found everything out, and I've never wavered in my end goal of D. Believe me, deep down, I'm crushed. I can't believe she did this to us....to me. Thoughts of her disgust me. Every single morning, I wake up and for a split second, I think I'm still with her and I've forgotten about everything. Then it hits me. And I start feeling nauseated. It really sucks.
> 
> But I'm also actually looking fwd to being single and finding the real "one". She's out there. Somewhere.


Don't be in a rush to find "the one". Have some fun for sure, but take some time to be single. Trust me. It's important for you to be by yourself for a while and focus on your kidlets. Right now you're needing some validation - that you're still desirable and still have your manhood, as she tried her best to destroy that. That's cool - get that validation. But DO NOT jump into another relationship right away.

I am still single after 4 years - I've had a few relationships and realized I just don't want that right now. Once you taste freedom - it's hard to give it up. See if you can wrangle yourself a FWB - I've had one for over a year - no strings, just good friends who have great sex. It's awesome. And I answer to NO ONE.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Xenote said:


> Time,
> 
> 
> 
> have you asked why ? what was missing you that she need to seek comfort with a student...what did he have you did not have? and most importantly was it worth?




He said she told him she liked the attention of a younger man


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----------



## moth-into-flame

Re: the OP not noticing any red flags - I can buy that. To others, perhaps they're glaring. When you're married, one can be really blind to stuff like that - partially because you just can't fathom your spouse would ever do something so heinous, and maybe because there's a bit of subconscious denial. In the weeks leading up to my dday, I started having weird feelings in my gut. I sensed something was wrong (it should've hit me like a 2x4) and I even had passing thoughts of planting a listening device or something - but I kinda swept it under the rug. But looking back, near the end, my gut was definitely telling me something was up. And if I look at it now - I was being 2x4'd with red flags. I just chose (subconsciously) not to see them.

Like your stbxww, mine flew off the rails and did some whack ****. Jekyll and Hyde. Cheating women have unbelievable powers of compartmentalization. I could never do that. The anxiety, guilt and fear would make me physically ill. There's a sociopathic component to cheaters. They're able to fully or at least partially remove any sense of guilt, shame and empathy while they're doing their evil work. It still blows my mind to think my WIFE, the person who I trusted and counted on most (and vice versa) could be that cruel and evil. Like really?? How could you DO those things to me, to your children?? Who ARE you? But this **** happens everyday, all around the world. Sad but true.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@TimeIsOnMySide maybe you should fill an iPod with multiple copies of this song and give it to your WW - sounds like her to a T

https://youtu.be/FFOzayDpWoI



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----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

moth-into-flame said:


> This is why poly's aren't admissible in court - not for 1 second do I buy they used a rubber every time.
> 
> But yeah - who cares. What difference does any of that make? Stay strong brother.


I don't either. Her explanation was that HE insisted on it.


----------



## moth-into-flame

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I don't either. Her explanation was that HE insisted on it.


That's funny. He probably also insisted that they not have sex until after their 6th date. Stand up guy.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I don't either. Her explanation was that HE insisted on it.




Why jeopardize his 3x a day fix? Nothing like a pregnancy scare to kill the mood. I'd give it a 50/50 chance purely from a strategic standpoint 


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----------



## TheTruthHurts

TheTruthHurts said:


> Why jeopardize his 3x a day fix? Nothing like a pregnancy scare to kill the mood. I'd give it a 50/50 chance purely from a strategic standpoint
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I only assume this would be a concern with PIV so definitely get tested


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----------



## Tatsuhiko

Tatsuhiko said:


> Not that it matters, but she might not be planning to leave you at all. She might intend to keep the affair going, but needs to assassinate your character in order to keep some modicum of respect from every colleague and student. Presenting you as a horrible person makes them understand why she's seeing another man.


Gosh, I'm smart. Almost as smart as EleGirl.

I will say this: She needs to be watched closely. Your kids still need their mother. While it's tempting to twist the knife, I think you should try to go easy on her at this point.


----------



## TDSC60

How can a 40-41 yr old woman (or any woman for that matter) have sex an average of 18-19 times a week!?!?!?!? And keep it up for months at a time?!?!?!?

From the posts it was 3 times a day with OM and 9-10 times with husband when he was home for the weekend.

Even when I was 25-30 years old I don't think I could have kept up with 3 times a day, every day, for an extended period.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

TDSC60 said:


> How can a 40-41 yr old woman (or any woman for that matter) have sex an average of 18-19 times a week!?!?!?!? And keep it up for months at a time?!?!?!?
> 
> 
> 
> From the posts it was 3 times a day with OM and 9-10 times with husband when he was home for the weekend.
> 
> 
> 
> Even when I was 25-30 years old I don't think I could have kept up with 3 times a day, every day, for an extended period.




That's why I asked the question I did. Personally I believe it is very possible - her H travels and has pent up desire (I travelled a number of years and definitely enjoyed my weekends), and her AP was a boy with raging testosterone.

The WW need not have that much sexual desire to accommodate that "workload", but instead she is getting huge ego boosts with men who can't keep their hands off of her.

I can definitely see it feeding on itself once she went full boar. Her response triggered theirs and it was probably a cycle.

The question is what "snapped" in her mind that allowed her to just go for it and try to scoop up all that attention? Particularly with daughters watching her.

Mind boggling 


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## CantBelieveThis

How sad to hear all this, makes me just wonder wtf is wrong with people these days.....I am reading way too many incidents like this and it seems that women infidelity is on the rise, or at least appears to be, am not taking any sides at all, men are just as bad, it just seems to be a lot more from women lately, and very destructive in nature

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


----------



## Andy1001

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> She voluntarily took a polygraph early last week. These were the questions she came up with and her answers:
> 
> Aside from OM, have you ever cheated on H with anyone else? No
> 
> Were you planning on ending it with OM before H came home permanently? Yes
> 
> Do you love OM? No
> 
> Did you love OM? No
> 
> Do you love your H? Yes
> 
> Did you ever have OM in your house? No
> 
> Did you ever go to OM's house? No
> 
> Did you use protection with OM every single time? Yes
> 
> Do you wish you were still in a relationship with OM? No
> 
> Do you want to live the rest of your life with your H? Yes
> 
> Have you been truthful when answering your H's questions about your relationship with OM? Yes
> 
> 
> She passed 100%.
> 
> And I don't care.


Let me tell you something about polygraphs.If you tell yourself something over and over you will fool any polygraph.If you are capable of getting worked up and even losing your temper just thinking about something you will fool any polygraph.They are about as reliable as reading tea leaves.There is not a court in the land that will accept one as evidence.You may get the parking lot confession but that's about it.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Evinrude58 said:


> This story is hard for me to believe. If the OP is really this ballsy and can get over his wife's betrayal this easy and just turn the corner on a dime and get out, I applaud his strength and admire his attitude. I just find it suspect, I guess I'm just thinking how wimpy I personally was when I found out about all my ex's bs she pulled, and can't see a man actually showing this much strength (I thought I was a pretty strong person as a whole, until this happened and I let it turn me into a jelly donut for a while), and his wife acting in the way she is-- remorseful and such after all the lengthy raunchy sex with a student (they usually aren't in my opinion, and just hated to get caught, and they have no feelings left for their husband)
> 
> It's like a soap opera. Just hard to digest.


Hmm...am kinda feeling like you on this after reading how the daughters talked to their mom and some of the things they said, I just don't know.....


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

We both were STD tested on day 3 of me coming home. Both all clear. 

The condom thing....she said he told her he had a pregnancy scare before, that's why he insisted. Who knows, really....but I don't care one way or the other anymore.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

CantBelieveThis said:


> Hmm...am kinda feeling like you on this after reading how the daughters talked to their mom and some of the things they said, I just don't know.....


Just the oldest daughter did the talking, 14d is much more reserved. The explosion came from months of having to raise her younger sister bc mom was cheating. She also had to play mom to 14d, though nowhere near as much. 

Right after this happened, I pmed EleGirl about it. She predicted right then that W would have a breakdown.


----------



## becareful2

Has your WW gone back to work?


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

becareful2 said:


> Has your WW gone back to work?


No....she was given a leave of absence until the spring semester starts in January.


----------



## dubsey

she'll never go back. she'll have to find a new job where only a couple people know why she changed jobs


----------



## becareful2

How are your children? How much have they been affected by this? Have they talked to your WW at all or have they basically just ignored her? Do they need therapy?


----------



## EleGirl

moth-into-flame said:


> Re: the OP not noticing any red flags - I can buy that.


From what I recall, for the last year, the OP was only home one weekend a moth. He was working out of town. So his wife was on her own most of the time.

When a couple is not living together (basically they were not living together for the last year), it makes it easy for a person to lead a life that the other knows nothing about.

Add to that her PPD and you have what has happened. If she was suffering from PPD, the chemical ****tail caused by an affair fog with a lot of sex could have been too much for her to avoid. People are weak. That's the bottom line.


----------



## EleGirl

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I think it was the afternoon of my 2nd day back in the house...I told W that our daughters were old enough to be told what was up. And that I was telling the truth of what was going on. She agreed. We told them. I did most of the talking. They didn't say much...but they did say that they already knew for a couple months. That they're not dumb or blind. Then they just went to their rooms. Oldest one was sending death glares at W.
> 
> That evening was spent with WW going from telling me that we were gonna be ok to crying and saying self deprecating things, to saying how she'd prove to me that she'd be worth another chance. I remember saying that she'd already proven to me that she WASN'T worth it. That sent her to her room crying.
> 
> Sometime in the middle of the night, my girls came into the room. Said they wanted to talk to me. They told me that they've been talking and they decided that they were going to live with me, and also they weren't letting mom have custody of the 2 year old either. They said they knew how to take care of her just as good as mom. Also, they wanted me to be happy. So that meant that they were ok with me dating and hopefully remarrying. My mind is blown at this point. They're both talking so grown up sounding. They go on to say that I'm considered the hot dad among all their friends. I'm like, ok, stop. I don't need to here about teenage girls crushing on me. They keep talking and tell me that some of their friends that have single moms, that their moms all want me. And that it would be alright if I dated them. Lol. I realized that They were trying really hard to make me not sad. I pulled them to me and we had a 3-way hug going when who should appear? Yep...W.
> 
> She tells us she heard everything and she tells my daughters that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to her for them to be talking to me about that. That was the wrong thing to say...16 year old daughter (16D from here on out) EXPLODES on W. I don't remember the order in which it was said, but here it went something like this:
> 
> 16D: Inappropriate?!? Disrespectful?!?! Are you freaking serious right now? Are you? Because those two words only describe one person in this room....and that's you, MOTHER!!! It all started with the inappropriate texting, and giggling. Then it escalated to inappropriate talking on the phone and giggling, and then whispering on the phone. And do you think we thought you were talking to dad? Then locking yourself in your room so you can do whatever it was you were doing in there. Ali the while, WE'RE raising 2D. Not you! Me and 14D! Oh sure, you'd put on the act for the 4 days that dad would come home for every other week, but as soon as Monday afternoon came, you disappear again. And seriously? Going to the gym, EVERY SINGLE EVENING? We have a gym HERE! You're the only person that can work out every day for almost 3 months yet never lose weight or get toned. Working out.....please! The only thing you were working out was you mouth and your VAGINA!!! And now for the other word....disrespectful. You have been disrespectful to all of us the entire time this has gone on. How could you do this to dad? How!!!! He took such good care of you and loved you like no other dad we know loves their wife. Y'all were different....special. Stop looking down! Look at him there.....you've destroyed him! The man you took a vow before everyone yall knew, before God, and you swore to love him and be faithful forever! You disrespected the most decent man you or I know. And you disrespected me and 14D. We're not supposed to have to be moms. But we did it anyway bc while you may have been here physically, you still weren't here. So you know what? You threw me and 14D away for this other guy....well now we're throwing you away. You're not our mom anymore!!!
> 
> They then went to their rooms. W went to her room, and I heard her throwing up. She cried for hours stopping only to throw up several times throughout the night.
> 
> Gong to sleep now....more tomorrow morning.


----------



## sokillme

Xenote said:


> Time,
> 
> have you asked why ? what was missing you that she need to seek comfort with a student...what did he have you did not have? and most importantly was it worth?


This line of thinking is what holds people to cheaters, it assumes that there is some deep reason for what happened, there isn't. What was missing is honor, empathy, dignity. That really all it is. Look at her responses to getting caught. She is like the person who drinks and drives, crashes, kills her husband and kids and then feels sad because she is going to be lonely.

As I have read on here and other sites this type of selfishness is SO common in people who cheat. Decent people would feel intense shame for hurting the people who loved her that way. The father of her children, her own children. Just think of what she a mother has cost her 2 year old innocent daughter for her whole life. A decent person a more "evolved" person would be catatonic. It would have nothing to do with ruining their own life it would be about the people she loves. This woman isn't capable of that and that is in fact this is the very reason why she can do something like this. Her own self is the center of her universe and decision making. Most if not 99% of cheaters think this way. Go read SI/Wayward section. It is a recurring pattern. This makes them a risk forever. They really are not capable of being more introspective in their decision making. They are missing that part of their brain. 

I would rather kill myself then do something this evil to my wife, to be a person who could betray even my friends. I would feel like it would cost me my soul. I don't say this because I think this makes me a good person I say it because I think this makes me a NORMAL person. I mean we all understand the bureaucrat who signs a release to kill thousands of people is evil, but how about the woman who would let her boytoy slander her husband to protect her own ass and his. I am really struggling with which person is worse. I some ways at least the bureaucrat doesn't have a intimate knowledge of the person he is killing. 

As for how this keeps happening, I don't think we should be surprised when there is a whole couture of people who make duck faces and post them on Facebook and strive to live the life of a Kardashian, are willing to trade their most valued relationships for some tawdry sex, and 30 pieces of silver. 

OP I wish you could get back at that monster of a kid, I hope he walks in on his wife one day. I wish for you OP that you find a hotter, kinder woman who is the love of your life. You deserve it.


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## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> From what I recall, for the last year, the OP was only home one weekend a moth. He was working out of town. So his wife was on her own most of the time.
> 
> When a couple is not living together (basically they were not living together for the last year), it makes it easy for a person to lead a life that the other knows nothing about.
> 
> Add to that her PPD and you have what has happened. If she was suffering from PPD, the chemical ****tail caused by an affair fog with a lot of sex could have been too much for her to avoid. People are weak. That's the bottom line.


She betrayed her own children. She is not week, this is just in her nature.


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## sokillme

She is crying here for herself. For the loss of respect she suffered. Not for the pain she caused her family, her husband, her daughters.


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## turnera

sokillme said:


> I would rather kill myself then do something this evil to my wife, to be a person who could betray even my friends.


Most cheaters would have also said this. Except for the serial cheaters.


----------



## turnera

sokillme said:


> She is crying here for herself. For the loss of respect she suffered. Not for the pain she caused her family, her husband, her daughters.


You have no way of knowing that.


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## sokillme

turnera said:


> You have no way of knowing that.


I think it is quite obvious from her reactions to being caught. She was willing to lie to her whole school. She didn't give a crap about her family. Why would anyone in their right mind think she would care now? Not once has she said, I can't believe I did this to my family, all she says is forgive me, we will be alright. I never stopped loving you. THAT WAS NEVER THE POINT. Cheaters don't get that. I believe it's true she never stopped loving her husband, but her love is useless. It's as empty and shallow as she is. 

That is the mentality of a cheater. ANY CHEATER. That is why they are not worth it.


----------



## Blondilocks

Evinrude58 said:


> *This story is hard for me to believe.* If the OP is really this ballsy and can get over his wife's betrayal this easy and just turn the corner on a dime and get out, I applaud his strength and admire his attitude. I just find it suspect, I guess I'm just thinking how wimpy I personally was when I found out about all my ex's bs she pulled, and can't see a man actually showing this much strength (I thought I was a pretty strong person as a whole, until this happened and I let it turn me into a jelly donut for a while), and his wife acting in the way she is-- remorseful and such after all the lengthy raunchy sex with a student (they usually aren't in my opinion, and just hated to get caught, and they have no feelings left for their husband)
> 
> It's like a soap opera. Just hard to digest.


That is exactly how I felt about your story concerning your ex(?) fiancee. I thought 'who would be so stupid as to put up with that shyte?. As you can see, it takes all kinds to make this little world go around.


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## MSalmoides

What gets me is how OM, knowing it to be false, willfully and intentionally defamed @TimeIsOnMySide, then kept up the defamation, in order to ruin @TimeIsOnMySide's reputation while putting his business' reputation (therefore livelihood) at risk. Now he is walking around like a BMOC, free and clear of the wreckage, and talking about how WW isn't at work because OM broke it off?

The Karma Bus has more than one seat. He needs to get aboard.

~MS


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## becareful2

MSalmoides said:


> What gets me is how OM, knowing it to be false, willfully and intentionally defamed @TimeIsOnMySide, then kept up the defamation, in order to ruin @TimeIsOnMySide's reputation while putting his business' reputation (therefore livelihood) at risk. Now he is walking around like a BMOC, free and clear of the wreckage, and talking about how WW isn't at work because OM broke it off?
> 
> The Karma Bus has more than one seat. He needs to get aboard.
> 
> ~MS


He doesn't need to get on the Karma Bus; he needs to get in front of it.


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## TheTruthHurts

MSalmoides said:


> What gets me is how OM, knowing it to be false, willfully and intentionally defamed @TimeIsOnMySide, then kept up the defamation, in order to ruin @TimeIsOnMySide's reputation while putting his business' reputation (therefore livelihood) at risk. Now he is walking around like a BMOC, free and clear of the wreckage, and talking about how WW isn't at work because OM broke it off?
> 
> 
> 
> The Karma Bus has more than one seat. He needs to get aboard.
> 
> 
> 
> ~MS




Yet it seems completely consistent with his character.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera

sokillme said:


> I think it is quite obvious from her reactions to being caught. She was willing to lie to her whole school. She didn't give a crap about her family. Why would anyone in their right mind think she would care now? Not once has she said, I can't believe I did this to my family, all she says is forgive me, we will be alright. I never stopped loving you. THAT WAS NEVER THE POINT. Cheaters don't get that. I believe it's true she never stopped loving her husband, but her love is useless. It's as empty and shallow as she is.
> 
> That is the mentality of a cheater. ANY CHEATER. That is why they are not worth it.


I take it you've been cheated on.

Not all cheaters are evil, vile, selfish creatures. Many DO get caught up in the alternate life (especially women, who are often raised to be a certain way and never get handed wild oats, let alone get to sow them) and go down a dark path. Doesn't mean the formerly nice person isn't still in there, once woken up out of it. Two of the wisest, kindest, most helpful people I've ever met are former waywards. It doesn't do to just throw blanket statements...to what end?


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## MSalmoides

becareful2 said:


> He doesn't need to get on the Karma Bus; he needs to get in front of it.


I was thinking more along the lines of the bus that goes over a cliff.

~MS


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## EleGirl

turnera said:


> I take it you've been cheated on.
> 
> Not all cheaters are evil, vile, selfish creatures. Many DO get caught up in the alternate life (especially women, who are often raised to be a certain way and never get handed wild oats, let alone get to sow them) and go down a dark path. Doesn't mean the formerly nice person isn't still in there, once woken up out of it. Two of the wisest, kindest, most helpful people I've ever met are former waywards. It doesn't do to just throw blanket statements...to what end?


There are few people who have never done anything wrong in their lives. Cheating is only one of the awful things that people do to each other. If there is no absolution in this world, then all of us should just give up.


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## moth-into-flame

EleGirl said:


> There are few people who have never done anything wrong in their lives. Cheating is only one of the awful things that people do to each other. If there is no absolution in this world, then all of us should just give up.


Of course nobody is perfect, and yes, everyone makes mistakes. I'd say it makes sense to judge those wrongdoings by surveying the damage that is done in their wake - and few wrongdoings can top the level of destruction, pain and torment of cheating.


----------



## EleGirl

moth-into-flame said:


> Of course nobody is perfect, and yes, everyone makes mistakes. I'd say it makes sense to judge those wrongdoings by surveying the damage that is done in their wake - and few wrongdoings can top the level of destruction, pain and torment of cheating.


And even with that, many couples are able to reconcile and even go on to have a good marriage post affair. I've seen it happen many times.


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## Lostinthought61

EleGirl said:


> And even with that, many couples are able to reconcile and even go on to have a good marriage post affair. I've seen it happen many times.



But you have to agree this is extreme.....how in the world does he come back to any level of normalcy after he actions and behavior. I am surprised she has not lost her job....as a former college instructor....there are just some lines you don't even think of crossing.


----------



## TimeIsOnMySide

Xenote said:


> But you have to agree this is extreme.....how in the world does he come back to any level of normalcy after he actions and behavior. I am surprised she has not lost her job....as a former college instructor....there are just some lines you don't even think of crossing.


Unfortunately, had it just been an affair with a former student, they wouldn't have given two ****s. It was the lie about me that they disciplined her for, as it had made its way they the entire staff (this isn't a big college) and security was told about me.


----------



## JohnA

Hi moth @GusPolinski mentioned on this thread or another your story reminded him of someone's. I think he was referring to rookie4 (?). Have you read his posts?


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## dubsey

things don't go back to normal. there is just a "new normal" going forward, and you do the best you can with it.


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## Lostinthought61

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> Unfortunately, had it just been an affair with a former student, they wouldn't have given two ****s. It was the lie about me that they disciplined her for, as it had made its way they the entire staff (this isn't a big college) and security was told about me.


your right.... defamation of character...the man you married, the husband of your children...this is the legacy she leaves with.


----------



## moth-into-flame

JohnA said:


> Hi moth @GusPolinski mentioned on this thread or another your story reminded him of someone's. I think he was referring to rookie4 (?). Have you read his posts?


Yes I'm aware of his story, and his viewpoint on things. Let's just say we have radically different views on life and infidelity.


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## moth-into-flame

EleGirl said:


> And even with that, many couples are able to reconcile and even go on to have a good marriage post affair. I've seen it happen many times.


Sure. You could say the same about physically abusive relationships. People forgive all kinds of atrocities. I don't get it - but whatever works for them.


----------



## GusPolinski

JohnA said:


> Hi moth @GusPolinski mentioned on this thread or another your story reminded him of someone's. I think he was referring to rookie4 (?). Have you read his posts?


Negative, sir.


----------



## ButtPunch

EleGirl said:


> And even with that, many couples are able to reconcile and even go on to have a good marriage post affair. I've seen it happen many times.


I'm living proof........let me find some wood to knock on.


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## JohnA

Personally I would have OM on a personal watch list for years, he owes, and owes big. The debt needs collecting by someone. I have all the info on my ex's MOM. If our paths cross again I will blow up his life again. I don't track him, haven't thought of him in a decade or more. Just I am prepared if our paths do cross again. 

Your 16 year old daughter uses language and logic will a skill few adults achieve. Frankly with more skill then you, myself and many posters. Some one did a great job raising her. Do you realize that out burst showed she most likely knew about the adultery, had built up an immense level of resentment, and did not tell you. 

Your children have stated they want to be with you. Your first or second post back you stated you are giving WW the house and custody. What's the final outcome.


----------



## sokillme

turnera said:


> I take it you've been cheated on.
> 
> Not all cheaters are evil, vile, selfish creatures. Many DO get caught up in the alternate life (especially women, who are often raised to be a certain way and never get handed wild oats, let alone get to sow them) and go down a dark path. Doesn't mean the formerly nice person isn't still in there, once woken up out of it. Two of the wisest, kindest, most helpful people I've ever met are former waywards. It doesn't do to just throw blanket statements...to what end?


I didn't say all are evil or vile, I said most don't have a well developed sense of empathy, are emotionally shallow and are not introspective enough to change. They do not operate on the same level as people who don't cheat. I say this to warn people to stay away from them when it comes to committing to a long term relationship. So you met two waywards who are different, I contend that they are the outlier. 

So now lets say that you happen to be married to the outlier. Then after they cheat, say they change, you are still stuck married to the person who hurt you worst then any other person in your life. That is not to say if you are also an @sshole that this may be a good option for you. But if you are a decent person why settle? Unless it is financial and in that case it is even more of a tragedy. And yes there are exceptions but I am talking in broad terms, and for OP I think leaving is absolutely the best option without question. 

As for how that effects the waywords I don't think that is very important, there is a bigger societal point that is much more important. You must not read my posts and I am sure everyone here is sick of hearing me say this (so if you have, time to skip this the rest of this post). You asked me why I have this opinion though, you seem to think I make it out of some form of anger from being cheated on. You're wrong. 

:soapbox: 

First of all BS need to be empowered, so it is easier for them to move on to have better lives with better people. Not be trapped or even worse advised by well meaning people to stay with someone who abused them. 

My contention is no one would recommend a person stay with someone who physically abused them, in fact if someone recommended - "well you need to take some time and think about it" (as seems to be the default for adultery today), most would be aghast at such a position. It's only because the abuse is emotional and not visible that some in society recommend R. It is my belief that if the damage from cheating was as visible as the bruises on the abused victims face the advice would be very different. Yet if we are just talking about the scars of beatings, those physical bruises take months to heal, Ones from emotional abuses take lifetimes. 

My belief is that R is almost never the moral position to take, it actually immoral. It devalues marriage and society and worst of all in many cases it devalues the person who stays (in their own mind). Just as we understand that it's degrading for a person to stay with someone who hits them, the same is true for someone who cheats on them. The message is basically abuse is acceptable, that marriage doesn't require fidelity, It reinforces the idea that marriage is a trap. Because people have stayed there are way too many examples of bad/dead marriages and this is why young people get the idea this is what marriage is about. Why would I want that the person thinks. Many now choose not to marry. This is bad for society and children in general. It also teaches young people there really are not large consequences for cheating, yeah you suffer but eventually everything will go back to normal. Essentially it is worth the risk. 

Finally go on SI, periodically there is a thread by a person just divorcing asking others are they glad they did. 99% of these people say yes and are almost ecstatic about it. Frequently the response is I am mad at myself for staying so long. Then read some posts from people who are 10, 15 years out. They live in a shell and don't seem happy at all, they are like emotional zombies. For me this only reinforces my conclusion. 

I want the cheater to change, I even hope they can find happiness again. I am all for forgiveness but marriage is a privilege and when you cheat you should lose that privilege at least with the person who you emotionally hit in the head with a baseball bat.


----------



## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> There are few people who have never done anything wrong in their lives. Cheating is only one of the awful things that people do to each other. If there is no absolution in this world, then all of us should just give up.


And none of this has anything to do with whether the person should stay or not. It's just not the point. Yes we all have done bad. Now on the the point at question, should you stay with a person who has emotionally kicked you down the steps.


----------



## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> And even with that, many couples are able to reconcile and even go on to have a good marriage post affair. I've seen it happen many times.


You say many but you have no evidence, most don't go on to happy lives. Most move on. There about 1000 or so on SI, SI has about 40,000 members.

Here is a good example of moving on with your life, if we are using the web as an example. Do these people seem happy?


----------



## MSalmoides

ButtPunch said:


> I'm living proof........let me find some wood to knock on.


That is good to see. Your GutPunch thread was the first infidelity one that I read all of the way through on TAM and I am happy things are going well for you. But unlike so many other stories here, your WW seemed genuinely remorseful and wanted to make things work.

~MS


----------



## GusPolinski

ButtPunch said:


> I'm living proof........let me find some wood to knock on.


----------



## Yeswecan

EleGirl said:


> There are few people who have never done anything wrong in their lives. Cheating is only one of the awful things that people do to each other. If there is no absolution in this world, then all of us should just give up.


Right, wrong, or otherwise....reading this thread...my head was spinning for Timeisonmyside as this entire ordeal unfolded. OP did thank you numerous times for your assistance in seeing this through with him and providing what was coming next. Nice job EleGirl! It helps me keep the faith that there are good souls in this world willing to help those that they do not even know.

TIME, I'm sorry man. My heart really goes out to you and your daughters.


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## GusPolinski

JohnA said:


> Hi moth @GusPolinski mentioned on this thread or another your story reminded him of someone's. I think he was referring to rookie4 (?). Have you read his posts?


I was thinking of @cantthinkstraight, @Healer, @vellocet, and maybe one other guy that I can't recall right now...
@Horizon, maybe?


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## sokillme

OP I think you said it has been 3 months. What is the current state of your kids and soon to be ex? Does she at least get it now. Has she ever realized how much damage she has done to anyone besides herself? Has she ever realized how much she hurt you?


----------



## TheGoodGuy

moth-into-flame said:


> Like your stbxww, mine flew off the rails and did some whack ****. Jekyll and Hyde. Cheating women have unbelievable powers of compartmentalization. I could never do that. The anxiety, guilt and fear would make me physically ill. There's a sociopathic component to cheaters. They're able to fully or at least partially remove any sense of guilt, shame and empathy while they're doing their evil work. It still blows my mind to think my WIFE, the person who I trusted and counted on most (and vice versa) could be that cruel and evil. Like really?? How could you DO those things to me, to your children?? Who ARE you? But this **** happens everyday, all around the world. Sad but true.


Sounds like my ex as well. And although easy enough for us to generalize this to cheating women, I would say it applies to both genders. any sociopath. when I put myself in therapy after it all started going to ****, the first book my counsellor had me read was "Boundaries", and the second was "The sociopath next door". I agree there is definitely a sociopathic component to not be able to empathize before/during/after acting in such a cruel manner.


----------



## moth-into-flame

TheGoodGuy said:


> Sounds like my ex as well. And although easy enough for us to generalize this to cheating women, I would say it applies to both genders. any sociopath. when I put myself in therapy after it all started going to ****, the first book my counsellor had me read was "Boundaries", and the second was "The sociopath next door". I agree there is definitely a sociopathic component to not be able to empathize before/during/after acting in such a cruel manner.


Agreed - I do not mean to only apply this to women. I just never had any experience with being cheated on by a man. ;-)


----------



## sokillme

turnera said:


> I take it you've been cheated on.
> 
> Not all cheaters are evil, vile, selfish creatures. Many DO get caught up in the alternate life (especially women, who are often raised to be a certain way and never get handed wild oats, let alone get to sow them) and go down a dark path. Doesn't mean the formerly nice person isn't still in there, once woken up out of it. Two of the wisest, kindest, most helpful people I've ever met are former waywards. It doesn't do to just throw blanket statements...to what end?


And another thing :FIREdevil:, I don't buy the wild oats idea. Why can't they just act out with there husbands. Most husbands would love this. No it's usually not about missing something, more often then not its about someone new. This is known as entitlement. Yes they were raised wrong, they never got the entitlement disciplined out of them. 

Again It's not because they didn't have orgies in collage. Almost all didn't want orgies at the time, they don't want them now. Just like OP's wife, they feel entitled to get their ego's stroked at the experience of all their responsibilities. Only in relationships do we give this a pass because of upbringing. We never say, well this guy never had a lot of money so it's understandable that he mugged someone. This is just a weak argument. Call it what it is. They wanted to F*ck someone else and really didn't care if it hurt anyone. Hell they probably knew people would be trying to convince their spouse to stay with them if they apologize enough, after all every one does bad things right? 

I am not surprise with this mindset that you advocate for R though. In a sense you are advocating for them. I would rather advocate for the poor sap who got their heart bashed in. 

OK I tend to be a little harsh that's just my nature. I hate seeing people abused and watching them accept it. 0


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## Satya

Not everyone is the same, or has the same capacity to forgive and/or try to repair a marriage after something like this. Some can forgive, heal after enough time and effort is made on both sides. I believe it can happen but only if there is hard work and willingness on both sides. 

Personally, if my H was in an affair for 3+months, sneaking off to have sex while I was away on business (which happens pretty regularly), and talking smack about me to friends and LYING about me being a psycho byotch that abused him, I'd be doing my best to make sure he was left in my dust, with a pending surgery appointment to remove my boot from the new hole it had just perforated up his derriere.


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## TheTruthHurts

This thread seems like a water cooler with everyone hanging around bsing until OP returns


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre*

I think some people confuse forgiveness with reconciling. The two are separate. You could reconcile, without forgiveness...just staying because you are afraid to move on. You can forgive, without reconciling. The two are not connected, and no one should be made to feel badly if they don't want to remain in a marriage with someone who cheated. It's a personal choice, but just wanted to say, that not being willing to reconcile and remain in the marriage, doesn't mean that you're not a forgiving person.


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## TimeIsOnMySide

I keep seeing comments about how the way I've detached myself is kind of unbelievable. But I was never EVER going to be the "pick me" or the "it's ok, we'll get thru it" kind of guy. And she knew me well enough to know that I wasn't that kind of guy. 

It may come off on here that I'm over her, but inside, I'm destroyed to my core. Yes, I do still love her, but not what she is now. I love what she was. We were THE couple. The ones that were always happy and extremely content with each other. We always kept a spark in our sex life, and it showed. She'd send me a pic of her in her new see thru bra and say, meet me in the bathroom. Things like that were very typical of our day to day lives. My oldest said that even though their friends would say things about us being weird bc we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, and they reply something like, "tell me about it", that both her and her sister loved seeing us act the way we did. We were different from her friends' parents. No one acted like that but us. And that's what they had aspirations for their future relationships to be like. And now it turns out to be all a lie. And yes, that's how I see it. W will say that I can't discount all the years together that we were happy bc of her stupidity. But idk if I'll ever look back and remember the happy times with her bc my memory of her is now totally focused on her being a cheating *****. And I freaking HATE that I feel like that. I was never supposed to feel that way about her, and I resent her for making me feel that way about her. I hate everything that's happened and I hate being sad all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I never came home early, would we have lived happily ever after....that thought haunts me.


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## moth-into-flame

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I keep seeing comments about how the way I've detached myself is kind of unbelievable. But I was never EVER going to be the "pick me" or the "it's ok, we'll get thru it" kind of guy. And she knew me well enough to know that I wasn't that kind of guy.
> 
> It may come off on here that I'm over her, but inside, I'm destroyed to my core. Yes, I do still love her, but not what she is now. I love what she was. We were THE couple. The ones that were always happy and extremely content with each other. We always kept a spark in our sex life, and it showed. She'd send me a pic of her in her new see thru bra and say, meet me in the bathroom. Things like that were very typical of our day to day lives. My oldest said that even though their friends would say things about us being weird bc we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, and they reply something like, "tell me about it", that both her and her sister loved seeing us act the way we did. We were different from her friends' parents. No one acted like that but us. And that's what they had aspirations for their future relationships to be like. And now it turns out to be all a lie. And yes, that's how I see it. W will say that I can't discount all the years together that we were happy bc of her stupidity. But idk if I'll ever look back and remember the happy times with her bc my memory of her is now totally focused on her being a cheating *****. And I freaking HATE that I feel like that. I was never supposed to feel that way about her, and I resent her for making me feel that way about her. I hate everything that's happened and I hate being sad all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I never came home early, would we have lived happily ever after....that thought haunts me.


That's really brutal man, and I feel for you. It's so sad that all that was taken away. You must think "but WHY?? WHY did you throw all that away - it was so GOOD". You're mourning that now, and besides all the anger and hurt and confusion - there's the pain of the loss of something that to you, was sacred and beautiful.

Sadly, for self preservation reasons - I have blocked out absolutely everything in my memory about my exww - including the good times, and, tragically, the memories of us together with our kids. That's a damn shame. Even looking at pictures of my beautiful children before things ended is painful for me. For my kids too. When my daughter sees baby/toddler pix of herself, she starts to cry. It's awful. My mom called me the other day and was laughing hard, saying "remember when (exww) was so angry because you had no money and the engagement ring you gave her left a mark on her finger?". I honestly, for the life of me, could not recall that. I've completely buried any memories of her. I don't know if that's common or not. But clearly I did it to protect myself.

Sorry brother.


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## *Deidre*

TimeIsOnMySide said:


> I keep seeing comments about how the way I've detached myself is kind of unbelievable. But I was never EVER going to be the "pick me" or the "it's ok, we'll get thru it" kind of guy. And she knew me well enough to know that I wasn't that kind of guy.
> 
> It may come off on here that I'm over her, but inside, I'm destroyed to my core. Yes, I do still love her, but not what she is now. I love what she was. We were THE couple. The ones that were always happy and extremely content with each other. We always kept a spark in our sex life, and it showed. She'd send me a pic of her in her new see thru bra and say, meet me in the bathroom. Things like that were very typical of our day to day lives. My oldest said that even though their friends would say things about us being weird bc we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, and they reply something like, "tell me about it", that both her and her sister loved seeing us act the way we did. We were different from her friends' parents. No one acted like that but us. And that's what they had aspirations for their future relationships to be like. And now it turns out to be all a lie. And yes, that's how I see it. W will say that I can't discount all the years together that we were happy bc of her stupidity. But idk if I'll ever look back and remember the happy times with her bc my memory of her is now totally focused on her being a cheating *****. And I freaking HATE that I feel like that. I was never supposed to feel that way about her, and I resent her for making me feel that way about her. I hate everything that's happened and I hate being sad all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I never came home early, would we have lived happily ever after....that thought haunts me.


I think it's possible if you look back, you'll remember things that didn't seem quite right in your relationship, but maybe a good sex life swept it all under the rug. I don't believe couples go from being madly in lust/love, and best friends...to one of them suddenly starts cheating. It's never an over night thing, cheating. That's just been my observation, with married people who cheat.

You'll get past this someday, and you'll have happiness again. Praying for things to get better for you.


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