# Girlfriend Moving in with Me and My Teenagers



## RoanokeDad (6 d ago)

I have been seperated/divorced for 4 and a half years. I have 50% custody of my soon to be 18, and soon to be 14 year old daughters. I have been dating for about a year and a half now and I may have finally found the woman of my dreams. We have only dated for a couple of months so it will still take time to know for sure.

I have briefly introduced her to my kids and plan to gradually let them get to know each other. They are mature, have coped well with the divorce (as well as can be) and seem happy that I have met somone.

My question is, when is a reasonable time to consider moving in together? I know some wait until their kids are 18 or moved out and some probably do it way too early. I'm not too concerned about my oldest, mainly my youngest. Personally, if I didn't have kids, I would consider living with somone after a few months. I'm curious what other would recommend with the kids in the picture?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How big is your house/apartment? How are your coparenting arrangements with your ex? What are you concerned about with your youngest?


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## RoanokeDad (6 d ago)

RandomDude said:


> How big is your house/apartment? How are your coparenting arrangements with your ex? What are you concerned about with your youngest?


 I have a decent sized house with 4 bedrooms, so each kid has their own room. Their mom got remarried soon after our divorce several years ago and her husband moved in after 2 months of dating.....that was hard on the kids but mainly because they barely got to know him; they were 13 and 9 at the time. So that is one thing I really want to focus on is having my kids feel really comfortable with her before we discuss any change in living arrangements. The co-parenting is going all right. I have always been the more stable one and put more focus on my kids than she has. So some of this is simply me just being over protective.

And I thought about my concern with 14 year old, and I actually believe she will handle it just fine as long as we take it slow and she gets to know her her first. It may sound silly, but I'm worried about what other people with think if it's too soon (grandparents, friends, etc). There are some reasons we may consider it this summer if things are going as well as they are now (8 months of dating). I do appreciate others' opinions.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wouldn't put a time limit on it, is your partner putting you up to this? 

When they are ready. You three are already introduced, let the relationships develop naturally and if she can truly fit into your lives.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You will need to have a very serious conversation with the g/f about whether she is allowed to lay down the law to the 14yr old. There will be some testing.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

This is a really bad idea. First of all, you don't even know this woman. You're only been dating for a couple of months and you want to move her in with your children? It takes at least two years of dating, not living together, going through two full sets of seasons to know someone. To know how they handle difficulties, financial problems, family problems, etc.

Then there is your daughter. Believe it or not, her home has been wrecked and now you want to bring in this woman who will steal your attention away from her. You will be taking your priority away from your daughter and giving it to some woman that you don't even know. Are you really willing to even take even the slightest risk of harming your daughter in order to move this woman in so you can have nookie on demand? Are you really that damn selfish?


RoanokeDad said:


> And I thought about my concern with 14 year old, and *I actually believe she will handle it just fine* as long as we take it slow and she gets to know her her first.


Why do you believe this? You are probably just formulating this belief in your mind to justify what you are doing. How is moving this woman into your home considered "taking it slow" and how are you giving your daughter time to get to know her? Again, are you that damn selfish?

Your best course of action is to go ahead and date all you want for the next four years until your daughter turns 18. But remember, your first priority is to your daughter so do not bring your women around your daughter and for God's sake, do not move anyone in with you. Once she is 18 and out of the house, go do whatever you want.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RoanokeDad said:


> I have been seperated/divorced for 4 and a half years. I have 50% custody of my soon to be 18, and soon to be 14 year old daughters. I have been dating for about a year and a half now and I may have finally found the woman of my dreams. We have only dated for a couple of months so it will still take time to know for sure.
> 
> I have briefly introduced her to my kids and plan to gradually let them get to know each other. They are mature, have coped well with the divorce (as well as can be) and seem happy that I have met somone.
> 
> My question is, when is a reasonable time to consider moving in together? I know some wait until their kids are 18 or moved out and some probably do it way too early. I'm not too concerned about my oldest, mainly my youngest. Personally, if I didn't have kids, I would consider living with somone after a few months. I'm curious what other would recommend with the kids in the picture?


Each scenario is different so it's hard to have a "rule" about the time limit. (as evidenced by your ex)

Moreso focus on the gf/child relationship and take it as slow (or quick) as it needs to be.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’ll never understand guys that were locked up in a marriage that want to get locked down again by living with someone almost immediately. Unless this is king distance, which it doesn’t sound like, leave it be. What is the advantage of living with her for you?


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## EastCoastNative (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll never understand guys that were locked up in a marriage that want to get locked down again by living with someone almost immediately. Unless this is king distance, which it doesn’t sound like, leave it be. What is the advantage of living with her for you?


As a guy who recently got out of a marriage, I do understand it. There is just so much positive about a healthy marriage. Life is overall better in a healthy marriage as compared to being single. At least, that's how it feels for certain types of guys (I'm one of them too). The stability, baseline love and joy, comfort, mutual caring, etc- it's all just so great. 

My marriage went south after about 6 years, but the first 6 were better than any others I've had as an adult on this planet. Then 3 years of misery, which of course were terrible and I wouldn't wish those on anybody, but knowing that there are plenty of people who live in the good phase forever, it's something worth striving for.

Now, I'm in no rush to get back into one because it's important to find the right one, but just chiming in to say that it's not crazy to want to be married again after having had a marriage fail.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll never understand guys that were locked up in a marriage that want to get locked down again by living with someone almost immediately. Unless this is king distance, which it doesn’t sound like, leave it be. What is the advantage of living with her for you?


The OP has been divorced over 4 years. I wouldn't call that almost immediately.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

RoanokeDad said:


> I have been seperated/divorced for 4 and a half years. I have 50% custody of my soon to be 18, and soon to be 14 year old daughters. I have been dating for about a year and a half now and I may have finally found the woman of my dreams. We have only dated for a couple of months so it will still take time to know for sure.
> 
> I have briefly introduced her to my kids and plan to gradually let them get to know each other. They are mature, have coped well with the divorce (as well as can be) and seem happy that I have met somone.
> 
> My question is, when is a reasonable time to consider moving in together? I know some wait until their kids are 18 or moved out and some probably do it way too early. I'm not too concerned about my oldest, mainly my youngest. Personally, if I didn't have kids, I would consider living with somone after a few months. I'm curious what other would recommend with the kids in the picture?


Can`t be bothered to explain except for 2 words, bad idea.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> You will need to have a very serious conversation with the g/f about whether she is allowed to lay down the law to the 14yr old. There will be some testing.


I add in, talking casually to the 14 year old. 

How does she/he like this new lady?
Tell her there is no right or wrong answer/response.

I also agree to wait a few more months, maybe a year.

Let the GF know what you are thinking.
Maybe, just maybe, make her a fiancee so she does not get cold feet and fly off.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RoanokeDad said:


> I have a decent sized house with 4 bedrooms, so each kid has their own room. Their mom got remarried soon after our divorce several years ago and her husband moved in after 2 months of dating.....that was hard on the kids but mainly because they barely got to know him; they were 13 and 9 at the time. So that is one thing I really want to focus on is having my kids feel really comfortable with her before we discuss any change in living arrangements. The co-parenting is going all right. I have always been the more stable one and put more focus on my kids than she has. So some of this is simply me just being over protective.
> 
> And I thought about my concern with 14 year old, and I actually believe she will handle it just fine as long as we take it slow and she gets to know her her first. It may sound silly, but I'm worried about what other people with think if it's too soon (grandparents, friends, etc).  There are some reasons we may consider it this summer if things are going as well as they are now (8 months of dating). I do appreciate others' opinions.


8 months is very fast. I would leave it at least a year.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll never understand guys that were locked up in a marriage that want to get locked down again by living with someone almost immediately. Unless this is king distance, which it doesn’t sound like, leave it be. What is the advantage of living with her for you?


Maybe they don't see it as being 'locked up' or locked down '. Some men love being with a lady.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

EastCoastNative said:


> As a guy who recently got out of a marriage, I do understand it. There is just so much positive about a healthy marriage. Life is overall better in a healthy marriage as compared to being single. At least, that's how it feels for certain types of guys (I'm one of them too). The stability, baseline love and joy, comfort, mutual caring, etc- it's all just so great.
> 
> My marriage went south after about 6 years, but the first 6 were better than any others I've had as an adult on this planet. Then 3 years of misery, which of course were terrible and I wouldn't wish those on anybody, but knowing that there are plenty of people who live in the good phase forever, it's something worth striving for.
> 
> Now, I'm in no rush to get back into one because it's important to find the right one, but just chiming in to say that it's not crazy to want to be married again after having had a marriage fail.


I guess it depends on the type of marriage you came out of. For me, marriage (both times) was hell on earth. I made the mistake of jumping back in a second time. 
I think it’s healthy to live on your own, single, raising kids and being comfortable with yourself first. Avoiding that step can lead to a disaster because you are choosing a live in partner to satisfy the loneliness.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Far too soon. Trust me, bad idea.
You’d have better luck asking what kinds of things you should learn about your partner BEFORE even considering moving in.

I one upped you and stupidly married one after 2 months. Divorced in a few more.
Please, think this through.
Just speaking from experience.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RoanokeDad said:


> I have been seperated/divorced for 4 and a half years. I have 50% custody of my soon to be 18, and soon to be 14 year old daughters. I have been dating for about a year and a half now and I may have finally found the woman of my dreams. We have only dated for a couple of months so it will still take time to know for sure.
> 
> I have briefly introduced her to my kids and plan to gradually let them get to know each other. They are mature, have coped well with the divorce (as well as can be) and seem happy that I have met somone.
> 
> My question is, when is a reasonable time to consider moving in together? I know some wait until their kids are 18 or moved out and some probably do it way too early. I'm not too concerned about my oldest, mainly my youngest. Personally, if I didn't have kids, I would consider living with somone after a few months. I'm curious what other would recommend with the kids in the picture?


You've only been dating for a couple of months so you barely know each other. I would not even consider moving her in for at least a year of knowing her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s far too early to even be thinking about it. My observation is that daughters often resent women in their dad’s life. There’s nothing lost by taking your time so slow it down.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My advice is to look on her creditkarma info. Together.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

RoanokeDad said:


> We have only dated for a couple of months so it will still take time to know for sure.


Dude, what are you thinking? You've been dating for a couple of months only, and you're already think that she's the woman of your dreams, and are thinking of moving her in. Jesus, not even "hot for teacher" hormones ladden late teens early twenties young dudes would think of that.

Date her seriously for about a year, then you would have a better gage of if she's the woman of your dreams. Also, after just a couple of months dating, you are already introducing her to your kids? C'mon dude, you don't even know if in a couple more months she still will be in your life.

I just notice in your other post you saying... have been dating 8 months? Now which is it? A couple of months, or eight? There's a difference.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, what are you thinking? You've been dating for a couple of months only, and you're already think that she's the woman of your dreams, and are thinking of moving her in. Jesus, not even "hot for teacher" hormones ladden late teens early twenties young dudes would think of that.
> 
> Date her seriously for about a year, then you would have a better gage of if she's the woman of your dreams. Also, after just a couple of months dating, you are already introducing her to your kids? C'mon dude, you don't even know if in a couple more months she still will be in your life.
> 
> I just notice in your other post you saying... have been dating 8 months? Now which is it? A couple of months, or eight? There's a difference.


He's saying that by this upcoming summer they will have been dating for 8 months.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> He's saying that by this upcoming summer they will have been dating for 8 months.


Thanks. That's a difference. I would suggest to wait for at least a year before bringing her in. Then he can see how it goes.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I think that’s too fast, even by summer. You just don’t know someone enough in that amount of time, and it will really depend how the kids feel about living with a stranger in their home. I think that would be tough. I just hear so many things from my high school students about this stuff: things they’d tell me but not you .


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## kgcolonel (Jun 28, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> This is a really bad idea. First of all, you don't even know this woman. You're only been dating for a couple of months and you want to move her in with your children? It takes at least two years of dating, not living together, going through two full sets of seasons to know someone. To know how they handle difficulties, financial problems, family problems, etc.
> 
> Then there is your daughter. Believe it or not, her home has been wrecked and now you want to bring in this woman who will steal your attention away from her. You will be taking your priority away from your daughter and giving it to some woman that you don't even know. Are you really willing to even take even the slightest risk of harming your daughter in order to move this woman in so you can have nookie on demand? Are you really that damn selfish?
> 
> ...


I completely agree with this. Two months is nothing and to consider even at eight months is asking for more disruption to your daughter. Stop thinking about what you want and think about your daughter, she deserves stability and at least your full attention since her biological family has been decimated by the divorce. Does she not deserve what's left of her family?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Personally, I think you should date for at least a year, before even considering living together. Its just sensible.

As a stepmum myself, I would also advise that your gf, if you do move in together, does not discipline either girl. That needs to be you. If she'd come in when they were much younger (mine was 6), that's different, but teenagers its too late for that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here's the thing -- you are just getting to know her -- you really don't need to add children/step-children dynamics to the mix of your relationship. This can cause a ton of stress, and your relationship right now is JUST beginning, so don't do that to yourself.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I nearly got carried away once just like you are. Except I nearly bought a house! After spending a lot longer with them I realized I would never want to live with them, so many issues were hidden. This is best behaviour time even at 8 months!


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

This is something you have to decide. There is not one answer for everyone. It is a too complex matter.
Do have a conversation with your children.
Make the decusion together.
Make some test weekends and then week days seeing how all of you get along first.

Once children get used to her being around ask them what they think about her moving in or just make it gradually by moving in her stuff and giving her some space in the house bit by bit until the children are used to her being around all the time.

But I think it has to be clear that she as an adult is allowed to set boundaries.
Children and teenagers have to accept that the older people are to be respected.
Once your teenage daughter makes her own money and takes care of herself she demand being treated like a grown up.

Just saying, because some suggest that your gf shouldn't be allowed to set the laws towards the teenager.

That is wrong. Teenager is still a child just with the hormones of adults, which confuses them and is a source of tention. But they have to learn in this dificult phase to be part of a community and to respect others especially the elders and learn how to deal with emotions. Be it good or bad emotions.

This will only be achieved if you communicate with your children. But it doesn't mean bending over to please your children and it also doesn't mean bending them until they snap.
Create a 'together' and all will be fine most likely.
There is no garantee about anything. But if you don't try, you'll never now.
1 1/2 yrs is OK for intruducing her step by step to your children and into the household.

What your wife did was not OK on the other side.


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