# Partner having spa in hot tub when naked man jumps in.



## Andy1959

Hi, my first time. Have been looking over a number of posts and seeing the responses. What I get from this is these forums give us an opportunity to share our issues out in the open and through the responses, we can calibrate our own thoughts based in feedback. I guess for many of us, we want to know is the way I'm thinking or actions in the 'norm' zone or am I being unreasonable. Having that been said, I've got my own little story...

My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place. We often catch up on phone and messaging. The other day she was telling me she was in the retreats spa (hot tub) with her swimsuit on late at night soaking it up. The place was dimly lit. Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out. He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room. Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy. 
Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms. 

I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out. 

My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given. 
I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts

She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues. 

Am I'm the off the mark here... ? Would others think what I was thinking, that had to all the ingredients of to go 'further' than what she has said or admitted to.


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## frenchpaddy

Andy1959 said:


> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place.


I would love to know what type volunteer work 
and that there is a retreat place spa there , 

overseas could be anywhere , 
as I am in Europe this is normal in many countries , 
normally lights are dim 
and in the steam rooms you can not see your hand , 
in some countries toilets are unisex as are changing rooms 

it does seem strange that you can end up talking about something so normal like as if you were chatting in a pub


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## Andy1959

I was hoping she would of said 'I feel uncomfortable about this, would you get something on before before coming back in"... but think too this would be a long shot. Does seem pretty casual... almost like encouraging him and making him feel welcomed.


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## heartsbeating

I feel the need to ask for more context in terms of the volunteering. My mind went to wondering if the man was possibly living with dementia or an ABI or something? I’m not suggesting she ought to still be ‘okay’ with his nudity, yet it does give more context and understanding to the scenario. And/or if there was a cultural aspect?

I wouldn’t jump to conclusion of ‘welcoming’ his actions though.


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## Andy1959

All I know is its a retreat for all various types of groups/individuals... bit of meditation, yoga, that type of stuff... 
Not sure of this man's background... maybe comfortable for him to hang out nude...


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## Andy1959

heartsbeating said:


> I feel the need to ask for more context in terms of the volunteering. My mind went to wondering if the man was possibly living with dementia or an ABI or something? I’m not suggesting she ought to still be ‘okay’ with his nudity, yet it does give more context and understanding to the scenario. And/or if there was a cultural aspect?
> 
> I wouldn’t jump to conclusion of ‘welcoming’ his actions though.


Tough one to gauge about whether she was welcoming... felt like it to me.. wanted to realise no many men would be happy about another man jumping in the spa with her especially naked...and especially alone and late at night.


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## frenchpaddy

i still don't get what type volunteer work this is and where ?


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## Andy1959

frenchpaddy said:


> i still don't get what type volunteer work this is and where ?


In Somerton UK... they do volunteer work like kitchen, garden, cleaning... don't know all...


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## Rahulr2222

What type of retreat is it? Is it like the meditation retreat?


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## Rahulr2222

Andy1959 said:


> In Somerton UK... they do volunteer work like kitchen, garden, cleaning... don't know all...


Is that like a cult thingy?


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## frenchpaddy

the old boy might be a left over from the 1960s hippies,


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## theloveofmylife

I don't personally know any men who would be okay with a naked man jumping in the hot tub with their wife/girlfriend late at night to "chat" or anything else.


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## BeyondRepair007

theloveofmylife said:


> I don't personally know any men who would be okay with a naked man jumping in the hot tub with their wife/girlfriend late at night to "chat" or anything else.


I’m with you.
The first time…ok, she’s on the spot so I would expect her to excuse herself quickly and go. But there shouldn’t be a “let’s go back to my room” walk, nor a second date.


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## LeGenDary_Man

Andy1959 said:


> Hi, my first time. Have been looking over a number of posts and seeing the responses. What I get from this is these forums give us an opportunity to share our issues out in the open and through the responses, we can calibrate our own thoughts based in feedback. I guess for many of us, we want to know is the way I'm thinking or actions in the 'norm' zone or am I being unreasonable. Having that been said, I've got my own little story...
> 
> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place. We often catch up on phone and messaging. The other day she was telling me she was in the retreats spa (hot tub) with her swimsuit on late at night soaking it up. The place was dimly lit. Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out. He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room. Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.
> Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.
> 
> I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.
> 
> My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
> I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
> I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts
> 
> She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.
> 
> Am I'm the off the mark here... ? Would others think what I was thinking, that had to all the ingredients of to go 'further' than what she has said or admitted to.


Your concern is absolutely VALID.

Why does your partner feel the need to volunteer there and allow a naked man to join her in Spa or baths? Even escort him to his room?

You have told her how you feel about this matter but she does not seem to care about your feelings. She put you in your place in return.

Do you want to be treated like this in your relationship? No regard for your concerns? No regard for your boundaries?

I would not find this BS acceptable if I were in your shoes.


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## ccpowerslave

If people described my junk as “elephant trunk” I’d probably be naked as often as possible too.

As for the OP’s issue, wouldn’t be ok with me. I’d expect my wife to get out. Then again if she was my wife what would she be doing at a resort working basically for free and I’m not there?


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## Diana7

The easiest thing would have been for her to get out as soon as he got in. Many women wouldn't feel comfortable with a naked guy getting in a small hot tub so close together late at night. I certainly wouldn't have walked him back to his room.
As for her volunteering, it sounds like a holiday to me.


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## BigDaddyNY

I definitely wouldn't be okay with it in your shoes. I also know my wife would have freaked out, cussed out the perv, then would have gotten out of the hut tub. 

Is this a place where nudity is acceptable or condoned? Most places in the US this guy would be arrested for indecent exposure.


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## Works

I was uncomfortable just reading how many times after she didn't address it, but tells you to get over yourself.


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## frenchpaddy

BigDaddyNY said:


> I definitely wouldn't be okay with it in your shoes. I also know my wife would have freaked out, cussed out the perv, then would have gotten out of the hut tub.
> 
> Is this a place where nudity is acceptable or condoned? Most places in the US this guy would be arrested for indecent exposure.


as far as I know he would be arrested in the uk ,


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## uwe.blab

Very strange that she did not just get out right away, not once but twice. Then also strange that she would tell you the story at all if any sort of sexual encounter went down.


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## frenchpaddy

I find it strange that there is a hot tube in a place that need to use volunteer help and that they except staff using the equipment with the members , and they except members strolling around nude, 

I think she is not telling her bf all 
I was hoping some posters here from the uk could put some light on this type place it is not the red cross any way 


uwe.blab said:


> Very strange that she did not just get out right away, not once but twice. Then also strange that she would tell you the story at all if any sort of sexual encounter went down.


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## ShatteredKat

OP

"My Female Partner" - a bit odd way to refer to a girlfriend or common-law wife. It implies (to me) you don't have a very strong relationship.

Given what you have posted - I say find another "female partner." This on has some or at least one boundary with which you are at odds as being acceptable.

The place sounds "fishy" as another poster noted - Clientele and Staff mingling is a SMALL hot tub?


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## BigDaddyNY

frenchpaddy said:


> as far as I know he would be arrested in the uk ,


There is a place in Somerton called Earth Centre or something like that. I know they occasionally have retreats that involve nudity. I suppose if it is private property they can do what they want. That said whether nudity is allowed or not the OPs woman seemed just fine with his "elephant trunk" hang out, so much so she had a 45 minute convo with him.


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## frenchpaddy

BigDaddyNY said:


> Somerton called Earth Centre


I goggled that how many more here has as well , lol

looks a bit nature type place ,


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Andy1959 said:


> Hi, my first time. Have been looking over a number of posts and seeing the responses. What I get from this is these forums give us an opportunity to share our issues out in the open and through the responses, we can calibrate our own thoughts based in feedback. I guess for many of us, we want to know is the way I'm thinking or actions in the 'norm' zone or am I being unreasonable. Having that been said, I've got my own little story...
> 
> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place. We often catch up on phone and messaging. The other day she was telling me she was in the retreats spa (hot tub) with her swimsuit on late at night soaking it up. The place was dimly lit. Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out. He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room. Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.
> Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.
> 
> I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.
> 
> My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
> I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
> I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts
> 
> She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.
> 
> Am I'm the off the mark here... ? Would others think what I was thinking, that had to all the ingredients of to go 'further' than what she has said or admitted to.


Are you two living together, fiancee etc?

Or is she your gf?


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## Divinely Favored

Andy1959 said:


> Hi, my first time. Have been looking over a number of posts and seeing the responses. What I get from this is these forums give us an opportunity to share our issues out in the open and through the responses, we can calibrate our own thoughts based in feedback. I guess for many of us, we want to know is the way I'm thinking or actions in the 'norm' zone or am I being unreasonable. Having that been said, I've got my own little story...
> 
> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place. We often catch up on phone and messaging. The other day she was telling me she was in the retreats spa (hot tub) with her swimsuit on late at night soaking it up. The place was dimly lit. Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out. He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room. Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.
> Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.
> 
> I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.
> 
> My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
> I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
> I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts
> 
> She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.
> 
> Am I'm the off the mark here... ? Would others think what I was thinking, that had to all the ingredients of to go 'further' than what she has said or admitted to.


Hell no! She should have got her ass out and went back to her room. She would be suspect in my eyes, she has very poor boundaries. I would tell my wife if she did that, there would be a poly as her actions seriously call into question her integrity in my eyes.


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## Divinely Favored

BigDaddyNY said:


> There is a place in Somerton called Earth Centre or something like that. I know they occasionally have retreats that involve nudity. I suppose if it is private property they can do what they want. That said whether nudity is allowed or not the OPs woman seemed just fine with his "elephant trunk" hang out, so much so she had a 45 minute convo with him.


Yeah I bet she did, wife and I talk during sex also...usually 45 min to an hour too.


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## In Absentia

I googled it... seems like a nice place - very handy for Glasto  - but a bit odd to come here all the way from New Zealand to do some volunteering work in a small retreat like that? Maybe it's not. I guess your partner has a work permit?


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## Andy1959

Hey, thanks guys for all your replies... and I guess that from I hear, pretty unacceptable. In NZ, partner is the common term used now for GF, wife, de-facto or just about any relation...

She went over with the invite of her girlfriend for a 3 month stint..wasn't that ok with it but thought more risky to suppress her from a opportunity like this.. just a trust thing that she will do the right thing. 

Glad to know now I wasn't going overboard with my 'jealousy issue'... but does now raise my concerns that something did go on... 

We're talking still and have 'moved on' but there's this thing now stuck in my head.. and man, does it play up at night when I want to get some sleep...


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## Andy1959

On the Earthspirit web site, it shows a photo of the spa...when I saw it. think my heart sunk further...


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## Andy1959

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you two living together, fiancee etc?
> 
> Or is she your gf?


Not living together at the moment...serious relationship for past 4 years..or so I thought..


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## Andy1959

ShatteredKat said:


> OP
> 
> "My Female Partner" - a bit odd way to refer to a girlfriend or common-law wife. It implies (to me) you don't have a very strong relationship.
> 
> Given what you have posted - I say find another "female partner." This on has some or at least one boundary with which you are at odds as being acceptable.
> 
> The place sounds "fishy" as another poster noted - Clientele and Staff mingling is a SMALL hot tub?


Common term in NZ for any relationship...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Andy1959 said:


> Not living together at the moment...serious relationship for past 4 years..or so I thought..


At this stage if not happy and future looks bleak just break up.


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## Lostinthought61

Have you thought of going there for a while to visit her?


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## Andy1959

She comes back in two weeks....so am looking forward to seeing her again though we kept in constant contact...just not sure if I will embrace her like I use to...the whole thing feels a bit tainted now.. 

I need to get to work but look forward to getting back on this site after work... has been really helpful and have taken in the feedback ... least I feel I was legit in my concerns. Now something to mull over at work...


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## Diana7

Any reason why after 4 years of dating you still aren't either living together or married?


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## BeyondRepair007

EDIT:
My post below was about the wrong EarthSpirit retreat. Apologies for the misleading information.

Website from my comment here
Actual website relevant to OP

——————

The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮

They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful.

From the site:
"We value our sensuality. Physical touch and sexuality are aspects of our experience that can bring pleasure and power and joy. We value the ways we can connect with others through our bodies and shared sensual and sexual experiences. "

Sorry OP. It's not looking good.


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## manfromlamancha

I am from the UK and this sort of thing is not normally accepted except in very specific places. In fact it is illegal and he could have been arrested for indecent exposure. So I am not sure what kind of place this is and he may have taken advantage of your partner being from NZ and perhaps unfamiliar with what is acceptable in the UK. Most UK women would have told him to put his ****ing clothes on before they get him arrested.


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## DudeInProgress

Andy1959 said:


> All I know is its a retreat for all various types of groups/individuals... bit of meditation, yoga, that type of stuff...
> Not sure of this man's background... maybe comfortable for him to hang out nude...


1. Why is your “female partner“ away at some nebulous volunteer retreat without you?
2. Why don’t you know more about this retreat that your “female partner“ is attending alone?
3. What does female partner mean? Is she your wife, girlfriend? What’s the nature of your relationship?


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## DudeInProgress

ccpowerslave said:


> If people described my junk as “elephant trunk” I’d probably be naked as often as possible too.
> 
> As for the OP’s issue, wouldn’t be ok with me. I’d expect my wife to get out. Then again if she was my wife what would she be doing at a resort working basically for free and I’m not there?


Agreed on all points.


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## Diana7

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮
> 
> They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful.
> 
> From the site:
> "We value our sensuality. Physical touch and sexuality are aspects of our experience that can bring pleasure and power and joy. We value the ways we can connect with others through our bodies and shared sensual and sexual experiences. "
> 
> Sorry OP. It's not looking good.


Wow, it's clearly encouraging sexual contact. No committed person should even think of going to a place like that. OP, didnt you look at their website?


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## Raiz

In my opinion the way things happened she liked those moments and my her noticing the elephant's trunk floating around is because she was actively seeking to see it. I can't say something actually happened because there's no way to know but I'm pretty sure she enjoyed the moment with the naked guy.


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## DownByTheRiver

Andy1959 said:


> Hi, my first time. Have been looking over a number of posts and seeing the responses. What I get from this is these forums give us an opportunity to share our issues out in the open and through the responses, we can calibrate our own thoughts based in feedback. I guess for many of us, we want to know is the way I'm thinking or actions in the 'norm' zone or am I being unreasonable. Having that been said, I've got my own little story...
> 
> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place. We often catch up on phone and messaging. The other day she was telling me she was in the retreats spa (hot tub) with her swimsuit on late at night soaking it up. The place was dimly lit. Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out. He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room. Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.
> Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.
> 
> I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.
> 
> My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
> I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
> I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts
> 
> She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.
> 
> Am I'm the off the mark here... ? Would others think what I was thinking, that had to all the ingredients of to go 'further' than what she has said or admitted to.


At the core of the problem is that she herself is into public displays of nudity so I don't imagine she shocked at someone else doing it. But you already knew that. Did it just not sink in? What kind of retreat is this well that's allowed?

She sounds wonky to me.


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## Gabriel

Huh, I feel a bit differently from the others. Here's why I don't think it's a big deal.

1) You described him as "elderly". So she probably didn't feel offended, maybe more amused that this much older guy just figures he should be naked. 
2) he got into another hot tub with other women naked, so he wasn't singling out your partner
3) She told you about this, rather than hiding it
4) This is a hippie dippy type of place where this might be kinda common.
5) She volunteers there, so probably feels like she needs to be nice to the guests.

In your shoes I probably would have laughed a little and said something playful like, "I don't have to be worried about him, do I?"


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## frenchpaddy

manfromlamancha said:


> I am from the UK and this sort of thing is not normally accepted except in very specific places. In fact it is illegal and he could have been arrested for indecent exposure. So I am not sure what kind of place this is and he may have taken advantage of your partner being from NZ and perhaps unfamiliar with what is acceptable in the UK. Most UK women would have told him to put his ****ing clothes on before they get him arrested.


this is what I was thinking


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## ccpowerslave

Gabriel said:


> You described him as "elderly". So she probably didn't feel offended, maybe more amused that this much older guy just figures he should be naked.


Shouldn’t sleep on a club that encourages sex when the guy goes by “elephant trunk”.

I was thinking about this earlier and it seems odd. Fly from NZ to the UK (out of pocket) to work for room and board only at a hippy sex retreat? Seems out of the ordinary.


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## frenchpaddy

what is strange for me is that she would take time off to go work in this type place , leave her guy that she is with for 4 years , after 4 years I would expect her to want to be thinking of having a good full time job , this type work is more for students is it not without the hippy lifestyle


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## Diana7

Gabriel said:


> Huh, I feel a bit differently from the others. Here's why I don't think it's a big deal.
> 
> 1) You described him as "elderly". So she probably didn't feel offended, maybe more amused that this much older guy just figures he should be naked.
> 2) he got into another hot tub with other women naked, so he wasn't singling out your partner
> 3) She told you about this, rather than hiding it
> 4) This is a hippie dippy type of place where this might be kinda common.
> 5) She volunteers there, so probably feels like she needs to be nice to the guests.
> 
> In your shoes I probably would have laughed a little and said something playful like, "I don't have to be worried about him, do I?"


I cant see how its relevant how old he is. In any case to a younger person elderly could be anyone over 45.


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## ccpowerslave

Diana7 said:


> I cant see how its relevant how old he is. In any case to a younger person elderly could be anyone over 45.


Let’s not get crazy now, late 40s and early 50s are like the new 29.


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## frenchpaddy

for me even if she was not hopping in and out of the hot tub with elephant man
the fact of running off to the uk after 4 years together to a free love retreat would be enough for me to say enjoy and don't come back to me ,


----------



## Diana7

ccpowerslave said:


> Let’s not get crazy now, late 40s and early 50s are like the new 29.


You wish 😂


----------



## MattMatt

@Andy1959 I think you have been a victim of "damage control."

It's possible your GF got up to something in the hot tub which her friend might have taken exception to. "Wow! What the hell were you thinking? What would Andy think if he knew you are on the other side of the world getting it on with a dude old enough to be your father?"

GF would then have thought: "Oh, no! What if she tells Andy? I know! I'll give him a sanitised version about my encounter with that man!"

Volunteering there is through well-established groups called WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms), HelpX (Help Exchange) and WorldPackers. 

EarthSpirit Centre :: Spa 

To be honest if they knew this sort of behaviour was going on I think they'd be very concerned indeed.


----------



## MattMatt

Lostinthought61 said:


> Have you thought of going there for a while to visit her?


It's 12,000 miles away.


----------



## ConanHub

Andy1959 said:


> Hi, my first time. Have been looking over a number of posts and seeing the responses. What I get from this is these forums give us an opportunity to share our issues out in the open and through the responses, we can calibrate our own thoughts based in feedback. I guess for many of us, we want to know is the way I'm thinking or actions in the 'norm' zone or am I being unreasonable. Having that been said, I've got my own little story...
> 
> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer (works so many hours and gets food and and room) at this retreat place. We often catch up on phone and messaging. The other day she was telling me she was in the retreats spa (hot tub) with her swimsuit on late at night soaking it up. The place was dimly lit. Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out. He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room. Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.
> Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.
> 
> I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.
> 
> My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
> I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?
> I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts
> 
> She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.
> 
> Am I'm the off the mark here... ? Would others think what I was thinking, that had to all the ingredients of to go 'further' than what she has said or admitted to.


This just seems utterly ridiculous.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

Andy1959 said:


> We're talking still and have 'moved on' but there's this thing now stuck in my head.. and man, does it play up at night when I want to get some sleep...


You should STOP talking to her while she is there. You are giving her the impression that it is OK for her to cheat on you and rub it in your face afterwards. This is exactly what she seems to have done to you.

You are trying to 'move on' with this:



BeyondRepair007 said:


> The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮
> 
> They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful.
> 
> From the site:
> "We value our sensuality. Physical touch and sexuality are aspects of our experience that can bring pleasure and power and joy. We value the ways we can connect with others through our bodies and shared sensual and sexual experiences. "
> 
> Sorry OP. It's not looking good.


RED FLAG++



Andy1959 said:


> On the Earthspirit web site, it shows a photo of the spa...when I saw it. think my heart sunk further...


Sorry to see you in this situation. The gravity of this situation will dawn on you soon.

You should re-evaluate your relationship with this woman.

STOP talking to her while she is there. Let her WORRY about you while she is there instead.

Wait for her to come back from this trip and then talk to her. Now tell her how she have disrespected you and your relationship, and you have decided to re-evaluate it with her. Then send her on her way.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I am trying to wrap my head around something here..... Who volunteers "overseas" in exchange for food and lodging? I take it she has no paying job?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Diana7 said:


> Any reason why after 4 years of dating you still aren't either living together or married?


Probably a lot to do with it being 2022 vs 1922. Nowadays it is fairly common for a couple to date 5 yrs or more before marrying.


----------



## Diana7

Tested_by_stress said:


> Probably a lot to do with it being 2022 vs 1922. Nowadays it is fairly common for a couple to date 5 yrs org more before marrying.


Hense the 'live together' part of my post.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Andy1959 said:


> All I know is its a retreat for all various types of groups/individuals... bit of meditation, yoga, that type of stuff...
> Not sure of this man's background... maybe comfortable for him to hang out nude...


Why don't you look up the place online and see if it could be a nudist camp or at times take groups who are nudist. If you don't see anything online call them and ask if nudist groups are welcome there. Honestly to me it sounds like she is just into the nudist lifestyle.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Tested_by_stress said:


> Probably a lot to do with it being 2022 vs 1922. Nowadays it is fairly common for a couple to date 5 yrs or more before marrying.





Diana7 said:


> Hense the 'live together' part of my post.


 Nowadays it is fairly common for a couple to 'live together' as husband and wife, 

NOT live together as room mates/ to date 5 years, 
When they go out to a party they go as a couple , she is presented as my woman / 
My Partner , the one of girlfriend is dropped , 
Here the word is ma femme, the same word as my wife

Anyone that thinks after 5 years they are just dating is leading someone on and have a more looser mentality more like a swinger .

I know of a friend she married her first love after 5 years divorce 
she is living with her boyfriend with 37 years now when she talks about him 
she says my husband Jean Paul , they own their own house ,and both are retired now , 

In France many people now get P.A.C.S. it is the lightest form of marrage,
P.A.C.S. stands for “pacte civil de solidarité” and is a legal union in France between two people of either sex. When you are in it, you are both said to be “paces,” pronounced “pack say.” The P.A.C.S. was introduced in 1999 in response to pressure from same-sex couples to have the same legal rights as straight, married couples. Partners sign a contract, which is stamped by a court clerk and they can choose to have a ceremony at the Town Hall.


----------



## Andy1959

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮
> 
> They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful.
> 
> From the site:
> "We value our sensuality. Physical touch and sexuality are aspects of our experience that can bring pleasure and power and joy. We value the ways we can connect with others through our bodies and shared sensual and sexual experiences. "
> 
> Sorry OP. It's not looking good.


My bad for not doing research of this place,, assumed it was just some sort of conference place with accommodation where she and her girlfriend would do volunteer work. Bit of a OE thing to enjoy and experience and then come back to life in NZ. After reading their statement, feel even more gutted... Could I hold her back from going if I did the research?... probably not, even if I did, think deep resentment would have come into the relationship.


----------



## Andy1959

Diana7 said:


> Wow, it's clearly encouraging sexual contact. No committed person should even think of going to a place like that. OP, didnt you look at their website?


 No, my bad for lack of research...bit of a double edge sword... either blissfully ignorant or stewing over the whole time she's away.


----------



## Andy1959

frenchpaddy said:


> Nowadays it is fairly common for a couple to 'live together' as husband and wife,
> 
> NOT live together as room mates/ to date 5 years,
> When they go out to a party they go as a couple , she is presented as my woman /
> My Partner , the one of girlfriend is dropped ,
> Here the word is ma femme, the same word as my wife
> 
> Anyone that thinks after 5 years they are just dating is leading someone on and have a more looser mentality more like a swinger .
> 
> I know of a friend she married her first love after 5 years divorce
> she is living with her boyfriend with 37 years now when she talks about him
> she says my husband Jean Paul , they own their own house ,and both are retired now ,
> 
> In France many people now get P.A.C.S. it is the lightest form of marrage,
> P.A.C.S. stands for “pacte civil de solidarité” and is a legal union in France between two people of either sex. When you are in it, you are both said to be “paces,” pronounced “pack say.” The P.A.C.S. was introduced in 1999 in response to pressure from same-sex couples to have the same legal rights as straight, married couples. Partners sign a contract, which is stamped by a court clerk and they can choose to have a ceremony at the Town Hall.


 In New Zealand, living together is just about the norm...we tend now to address our wife, girlfriend or whatever the relationship may be as partner. Very much part of NZ culture.


----------



## Andy1959

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why don't you look up the place online and see if it could be a nudist camp or at times take groups who are nudist. If you don't see anything online call them and ask if nudist groups are welcome there. Honestly to me it sounds like she is just into the nudist lifestyle.


She is a bit but very privately...sometimes when are out in the beach together and no one is around she will go for an all over tan...


----------



## Andy1959

Tested_by_stress said:


> I am trying to wrap my head around something here..... Who volunteers "overseas" in exchange for food and lodging? I take it she has no paying job?


Lots of people in NZ do it, low budget overseas experience, it's all about experience and adventure... very little to do with making money...


----------



## Andy1959

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You should STOP talking to her while she is there. You are giving her the impression that it is OK for her to cheat on you and rub it in your face afterwards. This is exactly what she seems to have done to you.
> 
> You are trying to 'move on' with this:
> 
> 
> 
> RED FLAG++
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry to see you in this situation. The gravity of this situation will dawn on you soon.
> 
> You should re-evaluate your relationship with this woman.
> 
> STOP talking to her while she is there. Let her WORRY about you while she is there instead.
> 
> Wait for her to come back from this trip and then talk to her. Now tell her how she have disrespected you and your relationship, and you have decided to re-evaluate it with her. Then send her on her way.


Sadly this is a real option at this stage.. her comments made me look at myself first to see if I was off track and need to 'get over myself' Feedback so far has given me validation that what i felt was very legitimate..


----------



## Andy1959

ConanHub said:


> This just seems utterly ridiculous.


I responding to what she told me...seems absolutely bizarre that man could come to a (small) spa while being occupied by a woman he's never met and jump in naked. What man does that?. Could he first ask if it was ok??: Had some anger towards that man. And yes, she should of said to him 'this is inappropriate, could you first get dressed before getting in'. But by letting him in and chatting with him, I felt she was accepting him and sent a message to him of welcoming him. And repeated a second night. To me, a very clear message...
The whole thing is bizarre and ridiculous. I guess that man will carry on happy as and not know the collateral damage he's left behind


----------



## Andy1959

Raiz said:


> In my opinion the way things happened she liked those moments and my her noticing the elephant's trunk floating around is because she was actively seeking to see it. I can't say something actually happened because there's no way to know but I'm pretty sure she enjoyed the moment with the naked guy.


 Same thoughts too...thats the impression I get...enjoyment


----------



## frenchpaddy

Andy1959 said:


> In New Zealand, living together is just about the norm...we tend now to address our wife, girlfriend or whatever the relationship may be as partner. Very much part of NZ culture.


exact same here , and in many other parts of the world even if some don't want to admit it , 
I think it was not your mistake in not researching what type place it was , but her for not giving you the full info , she was hiding it


----------



## Andy1959

Diana7 said:


> Wow, it's clearly encouraging sexual contact. No committed person should even think of going to a place like that. OP, didnt you look at their website?





MattMatt said:


> @Andy1959 I think you have been a victim of "damage control."
> 
> It's possible your GF got up to something in the hot tub which her friend might have taken exception to. "Wow! What the hell were you thinking? What would Andy think if he knew you are on the other side of the world getting it on with a dude old enough to be your father?"
> 
> GF would then have thought: "Oh, no! What if she tells Andy? I know! I'll give him a sanitised version about my encounter with that man!"
> 
> Volunteering there is through well-established groups called WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms), HelpX (Help Exchange) and WorldPackers.
> 
> EarthSpirit Centre :: Spa
> 
> To be honest if they knew this sort of behaviour was going on I think they'd be very concerned indeed.


A very real possibility...sharing a sanitised version. Any future discussions would then quickly be shut down with 'nothing happened' and of course "get over yourself'


----------



## Andy1959

Thank you all you guys for the feedback received. Really appreciated it...this is a great site and for people like me to off load deep concerns, do feel it has taken some of the stress away and given me empowerment to not be ashamed on how I felt. . I need to now turn it back on her when get gets back and tell her, no, there is not something is wrong with me. Whether we continue together remains questionable but will see how it plays out.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

Andy1959 said:


> Thank you all you guys for the feedback received. Really appreciated it...this is a great site and for people like me to off load deep concerns, do feel it has taken some of the stress away and given me empowerment to not be ashamed on how I felt. . I need to now turn it back on her when get gets back and tell her, no, there is not something is wrong with me. Whether we continue together remains questionable but will see how it plays out.


You made a very good decision to post in this forum.

You have invested much time and energy on this woman to cultivate a relationship with her but facing betrayal now.

[Metaphorically speaking]She have stabbed you in the heart. You were smiling at her but felt something sharp in your chest and when you looked down at it, you were shocked to see it.[/Metaphorically speaking]

But you are "supposed to" get over it.

Pain will be tremendous.

You have time to recollect yourself. Grieve and vent in your home. But understand that this was NOT YOUR FAULT.

Stop talking to her while she is there. This will allow you to reflect on her actions, come to terms with her betrayal, and HARDEN yourself (mentally). Prepare yourself to cope with her "games" when she will come back and reach out to you. She will minimize her "experiences," try to gaslight you, and possibly blame you. She might try to make it up to you as well. Typical.

Provide an update here when she comes back and have talks with you.

Let [us] see how it goes.


----------



## In Absentia

BeyondRepair007 said:


> The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮
> 
> They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful.
> 
> From the site:
> "We value our sensuality. Physical touch and sexuality are aspects of our experience that can bring pleasure and power and joy. We value the ways we can connect with others through our bodies and shared sensual and sexual experiences. "
> 
> Sorry OP. It's not looking good.


I don't think it's that one... but this one... it looks like a "normal" retreat type of place... it's the one @MattMatt linked too...



EarthSpirit Centre


----------



## heartsbeating

In Absentia said:


> I don't think it's that one... but this one... it looks like a "normal" retreat type of place... it's the one @MattMatt linked too...
> 
> 
> 
> EarthSpirit Centre


I had a browse around. I've not been to a 'retreat' type place before although have semi-joked it may be good to go to one some time. Each to their own if this looks like a 'normal' or 'typical' one. I think in my mind when I've envisioned such a place it's more like a 5-star hotel of facilities. Perhaps where I just go hang out and read in the sunshine on a manicured lawn and get served green tea and fresh healthy meals before going for my daily massage.  Less so the compost loos. Still, each to their own. I'm more yuppie than 'hippie' (not that compost loos are necessarily hippie).

Anyway, for OP, yes your partner could have requested that he have swimwear or if she didn't feel 'right' in that and perhaps given the environment/nature of the place, then could have raised it with management afterwards. I saw they had a gay tantra workshop or something recently, so the elderly man that joined her in the tub and arrived with another man who went to shower may well have been gay. Regardless of sexual orientation, she could have addressed it somehow if she had wanted. To suggest otherwise or that you have an issue is a cop-out. Given the nature of the place though, I would also surmise she likely just went with the flow and didn't interpret any harm. Granted, didn't necessarily encourage or discourage it either. Aside from the naked part, it can't just be me thinking it would have been more considerate of naked man to at least rinse off before joining. I know, not the point..!


----------



## In Absentia

heartsbeating said:


> I had a browse around. I've not been to a 'retreat' type place before although have semi-joked it may be good to go to one some time. Each to their own if this looks like a 'normal' or 'typical' one. I think in my mind when I've envisioned such a place it's more like a 5-star hotel of facilities. Perhaps where I just go hang out and read in the sunshine on a manicured lawn and get served green tea and fresh healthy meals before going for my daily massage.  Less so the compost loos. Still, each to their own. I'm more yuppie than 'hippie' (not that compost loos are necessarily hippie).
> 
> Anyway, for OP, yes your partner could have requested that he have swimwear or if she didn't feel 'right' in that and perhaps given the environment/nature of the place, then could have raised it with management afterwards. I saw they had a gay tantra workshop or something recently, so the elderly man that joined her in the tub and arrived with another man who went to shower may well have been gay. Regardless of sexual orientation, she could have addressed it somehow if she had wanted. To suggest otherwise or that you have an issue is a cop-out. Given the nature of the place though, I would also surmise she likely just went with the flow and didn't interpret any harm. Granted, didn't necessarily encourage or discourage it either. Aside from the naked part, it can't just be me thinking it would have been more considerate of naked man to at least rinse off before joining. I know, not the point..!


It seems like your standard UK retreat where they hold all sorts of alternative tantra/healing/nutrition/meditation events... there are also events for gay men and also sensual mastery for women...  but it looks very legit to me with nothing dodgy going on...


----------



## Jimi007

Ya know most of these type places have cameras all over the place.. if you can figure out the exact dates and times , you may be able to request footage of those times and dates from the resort. Almost all hotels ect. Here have hallway cameras that lead to rooms . It they could provide footage maybe you could see the spa tub or if she entered his room. Just food for thought. Also, how well do you know her GF that invited her ? Like another poster pointed out she could be doing damage control because the GF could spill the beans. When your GF returns you should bounce it off of the girl that invited her. And yes your feelings are real...I've been in your shoes. Trust your gut!!


----------



## In Absentia

Jimi007 said:


> Ya know most of these type places have cameras all over the place.. if you can figure out the exact dates and times , you may be able to request footage of those times and dates from the resort. Almost all hotels ect. Here have hallway cameras that lead to rooms . It they could provide footage maybe you could see the spa tub or if she entered his room. Just food for thought. Also, how well do you know her GF that invited her ? Like another poster pointed out she could be doing damage control because the GF could spill the beans. When your GF returns you should bounce it off of the girl that invited her. And yes your feelings are real...I've been in your shoes. Trust your gut!!


Unless there's been some crime and the police is involved, I doubt the retreat is going to send their footage to a random guy from NZ, even if his partner works there...


----------



## frenchpaddy

heartsbeating said:


> I had a browse around. I've not been to a 'retreat' type place before although have semi-joked it may be good to go to one some time. Each to their own if this looks like a 'normal' or 'typical' one. I think in my mind when I've envisioned such a place it's more like a 5-star hotel of facilities. Perhaps where I just go hang out and read in the sunshine on a manicured lawn and get served green tea and fresh healthy meals before going for my daily massage.  Less so the compost loos. Still, each to their own. I'm more yuppie than 'hippie' (not that compost loos are necessarily hippie).
> 
> Anyway, for OP, yes your partner could have requested that he have swimwear or if she didn't feel 'right' in that and perhaps given the environment/nature of the place, then could have raised it with management afterwards. I saw they had a gay tantra workshop or something recently, so the elderly man that joined her in the tub and arrived with another man who went to shower may well have been gay. Regardless of sexual orientation, she could have addressed it somehow if she had wanted. To suggest otherwise or that you have an issue is a cop-out. Given the nature of the place though, I would also surmise she likely just went with the flow and didn't interpret any harm. Granted, didn't necessarily encourage or discourage it either. Aside from the naked part, it can't just be me thinking it would have been more considerate of naked man to at least rinse off before joining. I know, not the point..!


 I would expect he asked if it was ok to join her and she excepted 


Jimi007 said:


> Ya know most of these type places have cameras all over the place.. if you can figure out the exact dates and times , you may be able to request footage of those times and dates from the resort. Almost all hotels ect. Here have hallway cameras that lead to rooms . It they could provide footage maybe you could see the spa tub or if she entered his room. Just food for thought. Also, how well do you know her GF that invited her ? Like another poster pointed out she could be doing damage control because the GF could spill the beans. When your GF returns you should bounce it off of the girl that invited her. And yes your feelings are real...I've been in your shoes. Trust your gut!!


HE COULD ASK for footage , If I was them I would tell him sorry we don't give that out , unless you think there was a crime and you get the police to ask


----------



## MattMatt

They'd probably claim Data Protection as a reason for not handing over the footage. As we used to say.

However, a report to whichever organisation your wife volunteered with would be a good idea. After all, this time he reportedly didn't do anything to the volunteer, but what about next time? 

This could actually turn out to be quite a serious matter.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

I bet that they entered the spa together. This wasn’t a surprise to her.

They met, liked each other, and included the spa as part of their evening with the final spot back in his place.

This makes much more sense than a random/chance encounter, a bold naked dude, she’s like “meh, whatever, come on in”, and oh yea, “how do I get back to my room I can’t recall?”. Ha yea right.

I can’t quite understand why she would tell OP anything at all unless the gf‘s friend was witness to them chatting each other up and noticed the stay in his room (someone else mentioned ’damage control’).

She probably didn’t plan on the friend walking by the spa while they were there. So now there’s a witness.

In this case, a good step might be for OP to have a chat with the friend. Realistically, I wouldn’t do that. But if OP knows her too then it might be a way to get more facts.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

In Absentia said:


> I don't think it's that one... but this one... it looks like a "normal" retreat type of place... it's the one @MattMatt linked too...
> 
> 
> 
> EarthSpirit Centre


Thank you @In Absentia

Apologies to all for misleading information, I edited my previous comment. That’s what 2 seconds of research gets you…mistakes.

Website I quoted
Actual website relevant to OP

The takeaway is that the retreat itself does not seem as nefarious as it appeared.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

A man being gay is very convenient to minimize a hookup situation involving him. Gay men can be bisexual as well. Watch out for the ones who happen to be well endowed in particular. Dopamine is same in all men.

For recap:



Andy1959 said:


> Two elderly men who were guests at the retreat turn up, one goes to the shower unit but the other decides to jump into the spa with my partner naked. As she put it, with his 'elephant truck" floating around. They chatted for a while and as it was late they decided to get out.


He noticed an attractive woman (OP's partner), introduced himself to her, and gave her a full view of his package. Just check his guts.

She did NOT walk out on him.



Andy1959 said:


> He told her he didn't really know his away around the site so she happily escorted him back to his room.


Really? Where was his partner? Or is he alone and not supposedly gay?

She took the bait.



Andy1959 said:


> Next day in the afternoon, he joins a group of woman in a pool naked again...my partner was there and she said she didn't mind as she's already see it and he was a nice guy.


He is a NICE GUY now?

Rationalization and encouragement continued.



Andy1959 said:


> Next day, she decided to have another late night spa and yes, as you can could guess, this man turns up again and joins her in spa (which I might add is only 2 wide.) She said they had a good chat together for about 45mins and then got out and presumably to go back to their own rooms.


Yes, this is WHEN the LINE was crossed. Probably earlier but WE have to work with information on hand.

How is this innocent anymore? This [is] a deeply disturbing development.

This man is now the Other Man (OM).



Andy1959 said:


> I told her was pretty disturbed about what happen, but she said nothing happened. I asked her if she kept for swimsuit too as she does like the nudity lifestyle at times. She said yes she did. But I found the whole situation bizarre. I told her what kind of man just comes to a spa with a woman stranger in it and jumps in nude. She said she can't control what others do and as she was dress, she saw no point in getting out.


OP [is] rightfully disturbed and conveyed his feelings to his partner. She was making excuses for the OM instead.

She could not walk out on the OM or tell him to respect her privacy, right?



Andy1959 said:


> My thoughts went rampant that night and only could think what could happen in that situation late at night, them two alone in a spa, dimly light. The spa is so small physical touching would of been a given.
> I told her how would she feel if I was in that situation and a naked woman jumped in and I decided to chat to her and help her find way back to her room. and then do it again another night. She said, no, she wouldn't be happy about it. But then said what could she have done.?


The double-standards and excuses are all over the place. She would not find this acceptable for her man (OP).

But she could not walk out on the OM or tell him to respect her privacy, right?



Andy1959 said:


> I am wondering to myself, did they decide to meet again for another late night spa...? really felt like it and whether she keep her swimsuit on or not, I'm not sure...having doubts
> 
> She was pretty angry at me and told me to "get over yourself"... as to say, Ive got jealousy issues.


In the end, she told her partner (OP) to get over it. Amazing.

Yes, nothing about this development is innocent. It stinks.

Setting is largely irrelevant.


----------



## MattMatt

Nice guys do not take their elephant trunks and display them at the water hole to lady elephants they are not married to.

Not the best analogy I have created...


----------



## ccpowerslave

MattMatt said:


> Not the best analogy I have created...


It was excellent!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Andy1959 said:


> My bad for not doing research of this place,, assumed it was just some sort of conference place with accommodation where she and her girlfriend would do volunteer work. Bit of a OE thing to enjoy and experience and then come back to life in NZ. After reading their statement, feel even more gutted... Could I hold her back from going if I did the research?... probably not, even if I did, think deep resentment would have come into the relationship.


No wonder they're looking for female volunteers.


----------



## uwe.blab

Wait, when did the friend see her? Her friend saw her in the hot tub with the guy? I missed that.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

uwe.blab said:


> Wait, when did the friend see her? Her friend saw her in the hot tub with the guy? I missed that.


That was me speculating as to why she told OP anything at all about the guy.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Andy1959 said:


> My bad for not doing research of this place,, assumed it was just some sort of conference place with accommodation where she and her girlfriend would do volunteer work. Bit of a OE thing to enjoy and experience and then come back to life in NZ. After reading their statement, feel even more gutted... Could I hold her back from going if I did the research?... probably not, even if I did, think deep resentment would have come into the relationship.


You clearly have not set any boundaries or expectations in your relationship. 

You’re either in a serious, committed relationship or you’re not. And if you are, it’s not appropriate for your partner to be running off on a multi month getaway across the world to a place like this.

The fact that she chose to go in the first place shows that she’s not relationship material. Clearly she views your relationship differently than you do, or she has a warped view of a relationship boundaries and expectations.
Either way, it’s time for you to demote her from partner to a more non-committed status, or dump her entirely.

And if you did truly view her as your long-term, committed partner, then you failed at setting appropriate relationship boundaries with her. You can’t control her or tell her not to go, but you can tell her what you expect in a partner and if she chooses to go on a trip like this, then she’s choosing not to be your committed partner. And you will respond accordingly. Unfortunately, you didn’t do that, so now things are a lot messier for you.


----------



## ConanHub

Could we rename this thread "Perverted old dudes with huge wangs?"😋


----------



## Andy1959

DudeInProgress said:


> You clearly have not set any boundaries or expectations in your relationship.
> 
> You’re either in a serious, committed relationship or you’re not. And if you are, it’s not appropriate for your partner to be running off on a multi month getaway across the world to a place like this.
> 
> The fact that she chose to go in the first place shows that she’s not relationship material. Clearly she views your relationship differently than you do, or she has a warped view of a relationship boundaries and expectations.
> Either way, it’s time for you to demote her from partner to a more non-committed status, or dump her entirely.
> 
> And if you did truly view her as your long-term, committed partner, then you failed at setting appropriate relationship boundaries with her. You can’t control her or tell her not to go, but you can tell her what you expect in a partner and if she chooses to go on a trip like this, then she’s choosing not to be your committed partner. And you will respond accordingly. Unfortunately, you didn’t do that, so now things are a lot messier for you.


Yep, I would concede you have the fundamentals right... like many, we do go into relationships with an expectation on how that person will conduct themselves and put 'blind' trust believing that this situation wouldn't/shouldn't happen. An if the man hadn't shown up, I would have no issue with her. But like many of us, we go into relationships without enough due diligences. We presume rather than ask. We look over time evidence on how that person conducts themselves and assess based on what we see. Problems is when something that's not a normal situation turns up and how that person reacts. How many posts have we seen when woman on holiday with her partner/husband go and has a massage that turns out more than she bargain for, ends up shocked at first but enjoys it until she has some sexual fulfilment. And then keeps it quiet from her husband. She initially thought she would never do such a thing but...'couldn't help herself' and it happens all the time. How many hold up to partners expectations when so far away and put in a situation as in the spa late at night...

Not condoning her actions at all. And I am very much re-evaluating my commitment with her... She said nothing happened... and I've got no real proof she's lying either . Just a lot a weird situations that lead to a pretty strong conclusion something must of happened...a real mind bender...

Just my thoughts and I take on board what you have said... thank you for putting there...


----------



## frenchpaddy

Andy1959 said:


> Yep, I would concede you have the fundamentals right... like many, we do go into relationships with an expectation on how that person will conduct themselves and put 'blind' trust believing that this situation wouldn't/shouldn't happen. An if the man hadn't shown up, I would have no issue with her. But like many of us, we go into relationships without enough due diligences. We presume rather than ask. We look over time evidence on how that person conducts themselves and assess based on what we see. Problems is when something that's not a normal situation turns up and how that person reacts. How many posts have we seen when woman on holiday with her partner/husband go and has a massage that turns out more than she bargain for, ends up shocked at first but enjoys it until she has some sexual fulfilment. And then keeps it quiet from her husband. She initially thought she would never do such a thing but...'couldn't help herself' and it happens all the time. How many hold up to partners expectations when so far away and put in a situation as in the spa late at night...
> 
> Not condoning her actions at all. And I am very much re-evaluating my commitment with her... She said nothing happened... and I've got no real proof she's lying either . Just a lot a weird situations that lead to a pretty strong conclusion something must of happened...a real mind bender...
> 
> Just my thoughts and I take on board what you have said... thank you for putting there...


I would expect that if I was living with a girl that first there was some arrangement between the two on paying the costs of the house and rent , if she wanted to go to the other side of the world for to better her experience that the cost of that would be impact on both people in the couple , 

this girl was living with you , so big question is was she paying her way and part of the rent , or was she paying with sex , 
it is nice to have a girl to come home to and play house with if they can live for free off someone , but someone has to have a job , 

It cost a lot of money to go to the UK and there had to be something out of it her her more than the time off , we don't need to know what was the advantage in going there , but you need to know and you should have know what the place does ,what they offered her as experience, you should have know more that what is on their site as we just see from the side of a client,

many years ago my wife after her last year in school went to work as a volunteer for a year in another country , when she was there she found after a time she was not getting what she was trading her time for ,as even if your volunteering and not getting big pay or any you are still trading time for something and most of these are trading experience in a field that you can use when you go home if they are not giving you that they are using you , so what is the trade off here 

how was what she was doing there going to be put into use for her life , 
my wife when she went out there she was living with the family and she was getting some cash in hand , but she in a way was an illegal emergent and if she got hurt or ill she was at risk , 

IF YOU HAD BEEN TOGETHER FOR 4 YEARS , You were a couple living as a couple and not just **** buddies


----------



## Wolfman1968

Andy1959 said:


> Thank you all you guys for the feedback received. Really appreciated it...this is a great site and for people like me to off load deep concerns, do feel it has taken some of the stress away and given me empowerment to not be ashamed on how I felt. . I need to now turn it back on her when get gets back and tell her, no, there is not something is wrong with me. Whether we continue together remains questionable but will see how it plays out.


Don't let her accuse you of "controlling" you or of having "unreasonable jealousy". That's always the accusation when the person in the wrong finds that their behavior is questioned.

Just say that you have your own agency, and you are able to determine who you want to be with. You don't want to be with a woman who thinks it is appropriate to be in a spa with a naked strange man when she is in a committed relationship with you. That shows she has very different boundaries than you, and whatever happened or didn't happen in that spa, it is inevitable that the difference in boundaries is going to be an issue in the future.

You need to leave the relationship for that very reason. She needs to find a guy with the same boundaries as her. It's not you. It's not most of the posters here in TAM.

That's the point of having an extended relationship before committing to marriage. To discover each others' compatibilities and incompatibilities. I would say this boundary difference is a deal-breaking incompatibility.


----------



## re16

The fact that she said "elderly" is a clear way to try to minimize him as a threat.... just like all cheaters do when they are talking about their affair partner (he is gay, he is married, he is a jerk, he is not attractive... blah, blah, blah).

He is probably her age or not much older.

The fact that she went back the second night, she was likely hoping for him to show up again and this is a much bigger issue.

Sorry OP, after being together 4 years, this is wholly unacceptable behavior, and what is worse... you said you were concerned, that this was crossing a boundary for you and instead of listening to you and trying to accommodate her partner's boundary, she attempted to gaslight you and tell you it is not a problem, and that you and your insecurity are the problem.

These are huge red flags.

Something physical likely happened with her and elephant man, but even if it didn't, you can't proceed in a committed relationship with someone who doesn't respect YOUR boundaries. Some might say, well you didn't clearly state your boundary... BS.... what she did is not acceptable for someone in a committed relationship.

So move on.

Honestly, if she really cared, she would have been flying home to you when she heard your concerns. You should have and still should just stop talking to her while she is on this trip. You didn't stand up for yourself strongly when she blamed your insecurity for your feelings, and now you appear weak. Take a strong stance.... just tell her you can't believe her actions and that she can come home and talk to you... or not.

If you proceed with her, you'll be another one of those coming back here two years later saying I should have listened.


----------



## sideways

Late to the party here. 

Does it really matter what type of spa it is or what type of volunteering she's doing?

OP you are right on with your thinking. Your wife can't control what this man does but she can certainly control what she does. She should've got out of the spa when he got in naked. End of story. Then to have it happen the very next day?

Then to have your wife describe his junk that way? Come on. For her to Then try to spin it that you have "jealousy issues". GET OUT OF HERE WITH THIS B.S.


----------



## Diana7

sideways said:


> Late to the party here.
> 
> Does it really matter what type of spa it is or what type of volunteering she's doing?
> 
> OP you are right on with your thinking. Your wife can't control what this man does but she can certainly control what she does. She should've got out of the spa when he got in naked. End of story. Then to have it happen the very next day?
> 
> Then to have your wife describe his junk that way? Come on. For her to Then try to spin it that you have "jealousy issues". GET OUT OF HERE WITH THIS B.S.


They aren't married just dating.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> They aren't married just dating.


 they are living together as husband and wife with all the advantages of husband and wife 
all that is missing is the ring and the cake 
dating is when you live on your own and he in his place and you take each other out for dinner , once you move in your making a statement to the world this is my man keep off and the other way around 

don't live together if you want to sleep around unless both are ok with swinging and open relationships 
we are excepting to any type relationship as long as that is what both want and agree to any thing other to what is agreed to is cheating as much as if they had a rev or town hall join them , 

a marriage is made up of to people that love each other and want to share that love having a ring is no proof of love 
No one knows better than us here that this is true we see to many here that 
think because they have a ring or jumped over a brume that the other is going to respect that ,

to often people cheat on their wedding day , we only see reports of the celebrities 
well jack and jill are no better 
spending 50k on a dress that lasts a day it is what is behind the expence that makes the marriage , 

to this man he is feeling as hurt and will have the same talk to his woman when she gets back from England as if they had a ring


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

I used to live 5 mins away from this place. If I still lived there I would have gone private detective Mode for you. How much longer is she there for?

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## frenchpaddy

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I used to live 5 mins away from this place. If I still lived there I would have gone private detective Mode for you. How much longer is she there for?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


he said 2 weeks is all one this week

any idea is it normal for people to be nude there as she said about the older guy ?
JUST ask as she might be doing an unjustness to the place if painting it in a way that is not true


----------



## Diana7

frenchpaddy said:


> they are living together as husband and wife with all the advantages of husband and wife
> all that is missing is the ring and the cake
> dating is when you live on your own and he in his place and you take each other out for dinner , once you move in your making a statement to the world this is my man keep off and the other way around
> 
> don't live together if you want to sleep around unless both are ok with swinging and open relationships
> we are excepting to any type relationship as long as that is what both want and agree to any thing other to what is agreed to is cheating as much as if they had a rev or town hall join them ,
> 
> a marriage is made up of to people that love each other and want to share that love having a ring is no proof of love
> No one knows better than us here that this is true we see to many here that
> think because they have a ring or jumped over a brume that the other is going to respect that ,
> 
> to often people cheat on their wedding day , we only see reports of the celebrities
> well jack and jill are no better
> spending 50k on a dress that lasts a day it is what is behind the expence that makes the marriage ,
> 
> to this man he is feeling as hurt and will have the same talk to his woman when she gets back from England as if they had a ring


Pretty sure he said they aren't living together. Just dating.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Diana7 said:


> Pretty sure he said they aren't living together. Just dating.


Sidenote, I’m sometimes confused on this site when people use the term dating.

I have always understood the term dating to mean a casual, non-committed relationship that may or may not become serious at some point.

It seems some folks use the term dating to describe a relationship that is serious and committed, but not engaged or cohabiting.


----------



## Andy1959

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I used to live 5 mins away from this place. If I still lived there I would have gone private detective Mode for you. How much longer is she there for?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Shes recently moved out in favour of catching up with some relatives in UK before departing back to NZ later this week...Thanks for the offer though..


----------



## frenchpaddy

Andy1959 said:


> My female partner is overseas on a working volunteer





Andy1959 said:


> Hey, thanks guys for all your replies... and I guess that from I hear, pretty unacceptable. In NZ, partner is the common term used now for GF, wife, de-facto or just about any relation...





Andy1959 said:


> In New Zealand, living together is just about the norm...we tend now to address our wife, girlfriend or whatever the relationship may be as partner. Very much part of NZ culture.





Diana7 said:


> Pretty sure he said they aren't living together. Just dating.


----------



## Andy1959

Much reflecting over past days...and I am tending to agree with you. Feel I've been slipping into a doormat mode... these relations do not build you up but instead over time break you down. with this in mind, and not much to loose, it's time to ask tough questions when she gets back. Now thinking losing her wont be the disaster I once thought it would be...


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

Andy1959 said:


> Shes recently moved out in favour of catching up with some relatives in UK before departing back to NZ later this week...Thanks for the offer though..


Change of plans? Looks like she have started to panic or something.

I hope you are NOT talking to her. Just read her messages but do not respond to them. This is about your dignity and self-respect.

When she comes back to NZ, no need to receive her on airport (or meet her).

Wait for her to reach out to you. *IF* she wants to meet you then this should be at your home (privacy factor). When she greets you in person, do NOT hug her.

Brace yourself for her "mind games" that I alluded to in following post:









Partner having spa in hot tub when naked man jumps in.


The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮 They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful. From the site: "We value our sensuality. Physical touch and...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Stick to following principles in your relationship:

1. You will NOT share your partner with another man. Zero tolerance for hookup(s) in any situation or setting.
2. You will NOT be PLAN B.

Would be interesting to see if she can PASS your 1st principle in view of what happened in her trip. *Excuses* should be the deal-breaker.


----------



## jlg07

BeyondRepair007 said:


> EDIT:
> My post below was about the wrong EarthSpirit retreat. Apologies for the misleading information.
> 
> Website from my comment here
> Actual website relevant to OP
> 
> ——————
> 
> The Earthspirit adventure looks great to me if you want to unload all your earthly concerns and have the time of your life communing with nature and each other 🤮
> 
> They even have a Sex and Sexuality culture statement! How thoughtful.
> 
> From the site:
> "We value our sensuality. Physical touch and sexuality are aspects of our experience that can bring pleasure and power and joy. We value the ways we can connect with others through our bodies and shared sensual and sexual experiences. "
> 
> Sorry OP. It's not looking good.


These sites don't look like a place to "volunteer" there to help out poor folks -- they seem like a hippie love-fest get away. 
ETA: I DO see that they allow volunteers there -- but it still seems a bit screwball to me....


----------



## jlg07

Andy1959 said:


> Much reflecting over past days...and I am tending to agree with you. Feel I've been slipping into a doormat mode... these relations do not build you up but instead over time break you down. with this in mind, and not much to loose, it's time to ask tough questions when she gets back. Now thinking losing her wont be the disaster I once thought it would be...


You could consider asking her to do a lie detector test about her time there if you don't find her responses credible....


----------



## ABHale

She is a hypocrite, she is doing something she probably wouldn’t forgive you for. She could have easily left the hot tub when mr pervert showed up.


----------



## theloveofmylife

Andy1959 said:


> We're talking still and have 'moved on' but there's this thing now stuck in my head.. and man, does it play up at night when I want to get some sleep...


Clearly, you haven't moved on. Who could blame you? 

I'm still stuck on how the guy got into the hot tub naked in the first place. I mean, as a married woman, some dude starts dropping his drawers to climb in with me, he's getting told off while I'm jumping out.


----------



## DudeInProgress

theloveofmylife said:


> Clearly, you haven't moved on. Who could blame you?
> 
> I'm still stuck on how the guy got into the hot tub naked in the first place. I mean, as a married woman, some dude starts dropping his drawers to climb in with me, he's getting told off while I'm jumping out.


The bigger problem is that she should never have been on that trip in the first place (if they were in fact in a long-term, committed relationship). 
The fact that she chose to go on that trip in the midst of a committed relationship, and that he allowed it to happen within the relationship, is the more central problem.


----------



## ABHale

Wasn’t one of these places in the news for requiring their volunteers to do their work naked. I believe several of the volunteers brought a lawsuit against the place.


----------



## theloveofmylife

DudeInProgress said:


> The fact that she chose to go on that trip in the midst of a committed relationship, and that he allowed it to happen within the relationship, is the more central problem.


I tend to think the same way. Sorry, not sorry. Don't put yourself in that kind of position if you're in a loving, committed, relationship. 

Wanna act single? BE single.


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> She is a hypocrite, she is doing something she probably wouldn’t forgive you for. She could have easily left the hot tub when mr pervert showed up.


If it had been me in the spa, I know she would of been very angry at me to the point of telling me to f*#k off... I have no doubt about that at all...but she has brushed it off as nothing (like entertaining for her) and then hits me up when I confront and tells me to get over myself??

I appreciate your woman point of view .. could I ask, how would you feel if your partner/husband was in the spa and woman turned up undressed, and jumped in..not once but twice late at night?. and just chatted? And the size of the spa, how there could not be touching...

Think the loving committed relationship is dissolving..


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> Wasn’t one of these places in the news for requiring their volunteers to do their work naked. I believe several of the volunteers brought a lawsuit against the place.


Not surprising...looks like the type of place...


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> She is a hypocrite, she is doing something she probably wouldn’t forgive you for. She could have easily left the hot tub when mr pervert showed up.


I appreciate your woman point of view .. 

Ah sorry... assumption, apologies if I got this wrong..


----------



## Andy1959

theloveofmylife said:


> Clearly, you haven't moved on. Who could blame you?
> 
> I'm still stuck on how the guy got into the hot tub naked in the first place. I mean, as a married woman, some dude starts dropping his drawers to climb in with me, he's getting told off while I'm jumping out.


Given the size of the spa, would of been an intrusion even if he did have stuff on. This guy is a violation and should of been kicked out...got major anger toward this man...


----------



## Evinrude58

You already tried to talk to her OP. Look what that got you. Tell her to hit the streets with mr big man elephant trunk where she belongs


----------



## Andy1959

This still churns over my mind every night... but relate, I do now honestly think this is what happened, She was in the spa alone, relaxing and he turns up. Whether he asks if it's ok to jump in naked?, I'm not sure but doesn't matter, he jumps in naked with her. She chats to him and and after a little while some attraction starts going and in the process, she has made him feel welcome to share the spa with her. Now attracted to him, she escorts him back to his room (because he's doesn't know the way back to his room...yeah, right) maybe a cuddle and night kiss? . There she hinted that she might go for another spa next night...and that led onto the second spa meeting ( actually pre-arranged). They meet again late at night, dimly lit, jump in and share another spa time together. Due to size of the spa "accidental" touching happens.. and eventually leads onto more intimate stuff and dare I say it a bj to show her affection...and by this time she's naked as well...

This what plays out in my head...and fits pretty logically with that scenario. Do I need to 'get over yourself' as she suggested. I think not. What I need to do if get over her and move on as hard as that might be. 

Sorry guys, still venting...


----------



## Andy1959

Evinrude58 said:


> You already tried to talk to her OP. Look what that got you. Tell her to hit the streets with mr big man elephant trunk where she belongs


Yep...agree. Only I can move on..


----------



## Evinrude58

If she liked the elephant truck enough to get in the spa a second night, she tried the trunk on.
Put her down the road. She’s a cheater.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Andy1959 said:


> Given the size of the spa, would of been an intrusion even if he did have stuff on. This guy is a violation and should of been kicked out...got major anger toward this man...


Are you ****ing serious dude?
Mr. naked isn’t the problem.
The size of the hot tub isn’t the problem.

Your girlfriend/partner is the problem.
She chose to go on a trip that is not conducive to being in a committed relationship, to a place that doesn’t sound like it’s conducive to being in a committed relationship, for a span of time that’s not conducive to being in a committed relationship.
And her behavior while there was unacceptable and not appropriate for a woman in a committed relationship.

And YOU are the problem.
For not being experienced enough or strong enough to set appropriate boundaries in your relationship.
You allowed her to go on this trip when you should have told her that you don’t find such a trip acceptable within the bounds of a committed relationship and that while she is free to go and do as she wishes, it won’t be as your partner.

You need to own this. You should be angry at your girlfriend, and you should be angry at yourself. 
Mr. naked has nothing to do it. He’s not a predator, and your girlfriend is not a victim.


----------



## Evinrude58

Definitely needs to redirect that anger and disgust to the gf. He should ghost her. If gives her the pleasure of seeing him upset—- just reinforces her self image of being super. desirable. “Get over yourself”. That phrase would be ringing in my ears for a while. OP needs to get over HER. Elephant trunk. Gross.


----------



## ABHale

Andy1959 said:


> If it had been me in the spa, I know she would of been very angry at me to the point of telling me to f*#k off... I have no doubt about that at all...but she has brushed it off as nothing (like entertaining for her) and then hits me up when I confront and tells me to get over myself??
> 
> I appreciate your woman point of view .. could I ask, how would you feel if your partner/husband was in the spa and woman turned up undressed, and jumped in..not once but twice late at night?. and just chatted? And the size of the spa, how there could not be touching...
> 
> Think the loving committed relationship is dissolving..


I am a guy. Thanks 😂😂😂😂😂


----------



## ABHale

Let me try and find my inner female!!!

😖😖😖😖😖🤯🤯💀💀💀💀💀


----------



## ABHale

Nope, not happening.


----------



## ABHale

Andy1959 said:


> Given the size of the spa, would of been an intrusion even if he did have stuff on. This guy is a violation and should of been kicked out...got major anger toward this man...


Your partner is the one that stayed in there with him.

She is also the one that did it at least one another time and talked with him for 45 mins.

If she has no ring on, he had no way of knowing if she was available or not. She might not have even mentioned it to him. Your anger is misdirected.


----------



## ABHale

Meditation/Sitting Room


23' x 19' (7 x 5.7m)
This room has an underfloor heating, a piano, French windows and a large south-facing glass panel.
It can be setup with your choice of furnishing (sofas, cushions, chairs, coffee tables, *mattresses*).

I wonder if she has to help out with this as an extra?🤔🤔🤔🤔

I am really starting to wonder what type of volunteer work she is doing.


----------



## theloveofmylife

Andy1959 said:


> Given the size of the spa, would of been an intrusion even if he did have stuff on. This guy is a violation and should of been kicked out...got major anger toward this man...


I wouldn't share a hot tub with another man either way, but yeah, you should be mad at her. He had no way of knowing whether or not she was involved, and she didn't act unavailable. She allowed this (and quite possibly more).


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> Nope, not happening.


Appreciate your humor to this...quite funny.


----------



## Andy1959

DudeInProgress said:


> Are you ****ing serious dude?
> Mr. naked isn’t the problem.
> The size of the hot tub isn’t the problem.
> 
> Your girlfriend/partner is the problem.
> She chose to go on a trip that is not conducive to being in a committed relationship, to a place that doesn’t sound like it’s conducive to being in a committed relationship, for a span of time that’s not conducive to being in a committed relationship.
> And her behavior while there was unacceptable and not appropriate for a woman in a committed relationship.
> 
> And YOU are the problem.
> For not being experienced enough or strong enough to set appropriate boundaries in your relationship.
> You allowed her to go on this trip when you should have told her that you don’t find such a trip acceptable within the bounds of a committed relationship and that while she is free to go and do as she wishes, it won’t be as your partner.
> 
> You need to own this. You should be angry at your girlfriend, and you should be angry at yourself.
> Mr. naked has nothing to do it. He’s not a predator, and your girlfriend is not a victim.


I agree to a point. I view all parties like this:

Girlfriend/Partner - Allowing this man to come into a spa with her naked. Then entertaining him and assisting him. No suggestion that he put something on. Sending wrong message to him. Making him feel comfortable about his nakedness. Allowing another him to enter spa second time and having 45 min "chat" with him. Minimizing her involvement because 'her can't control what others do'. Turn my concerns into a fault with me. Not seeing how this can and should disturb me and not allowing for open conversation to discuss my feelings but opts to shut it down with the infamous " get over yourself" 

Naked Man - Has a lot to do with it. Imposing his nudity onto a stranger. He wouldn't known at the if she was in relationship or not. Show no etiquette. I would struggle to get in with another woman I never met in a spa that size with swimwear on. Try and imagine doing that..to me it's totally disrespectful. and then to do it naked is absolutely beyond me. There is something disturbing and disgusting about this man. He may of exposed a weak link with my GF/ partner but at the end of the day, there's no innocents in his actions...

Myself - Failure to set protocols right from the start - comes with failure to do any research about the site. Assuming this wouldn't happen with her. Tough call on whether to restrain her from going and end up fueling resentment because she missed out on an adventurous trip with her friend. Could see a bit of backlash there. But also accepting her version and having self doubts about myself and not confronting her full on. Allowed her actions have empowerment over my feelings. Basically, not manning up. I will concede that. 

Am definitely moving on and can't see myself with her when see gets back. Now see her as not the woman I want in my life, certainly not one that's impassionate towards my feelings like she shown. Maybe give her another opportunity to explain this whole situation?? dont know... 

This forum has really opened my eyes to the different perspectives out there and its what I really came into the forum for and wanted. Some reality checks for me and some take home messages. I do realise we might come in to the forum looking for a sympathetic pat on the back but could end up with a boot in the butt...could be the very thing I need. A good wake up call.


----------



## Jimi007

What I'm trying to understand is why would she even tell you ? Is she trying to break up with you ? It would certainly arouse suspicions in any partner. She has to know that. Was it damage control ? Does her girlfriend that she went with know more ? Can you contact the other girl before confronting your partner and have a chat ?


----------



## Andy1959

Jimi007 said:


> What I'm trying to understand is why would she even tell you ? Is she trying to break up with you ? It would certainly arouse suspicions in any partner. She has to know that. Was it damage control ? Does her girlfriend that she went with know more ? Can you contact the other girl before confronting your partner and have a chat ?


Haven't got her girlfriends contact details... Why she even tell me?..maybe told me offset the seriousness of it with humor (elephant trunk) ? make it look lighthearted and innocent? I dont really know...
If she is trying to break up with me, turns out to be very good strategy..


----------



## In Absentia

Maybe the trunk man asked for permission to get in and she said yes... you just don't jump in, especially in the UK and especially if the tub is really small...


----------



## Andy1959

In Absentia said:


> Maybe the trunk man asked for permission to get in and she said yes... you just don't jump in, especially in the UK and especially if the tub is really small...


A good possibility that he may of ask which in some ways still weird. Why naked? ...and just as weird that she said yes... but she did say she had no control on what others did which would lead you to believe he did this on his own accord...otherwise she would had control by saying no if he did asked.


----------



## Andy1959

Guess it's an interesting question though... for men.. what would you do if you were in a small spa late in the evening by yourself (in your swimsuit) and a strange woman comes up to join you, takes everything off and displays everything and hops in? Go with the flow thinking?, well it's her choice but I'm happy to chat with her. Oops, is that your feet im touching...? getting late? sure I'll walk you back to your room. 

And second night, oh hi, good to see you again, yep, I dont mind, naked is good with me... 

...or ... hey look, I'm a bit uncomfortable with you coming in and especially naked...if you wait, I'll be out in five minutes and you can have the spa to yourself...


----------



## In Absentia

Andy1959 said:


> A good possibility that he may of ask which in some ways still weird. Why naked? ...and just as weird that she said yes... *but she did say she had no control on what others did* which would lead you to believe he did this on his own accord...otherwise she would had control by saying no if he did asked.


Well, that's a fat lie... she could have told him to get out after he jumped in or she could have got out...


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Andy1959 said:


> Guess it's an interesting question though... for men.. what would you do if you were in a small spa late in the evening by yourself (in your swimsuit) and a strange woman comes up to join you, takes everything off and displays everything and hops in? Go with the flow thinking?, well it's her choice but I'm happy to chat with her. Oops, is that your feet im touching...? getting late? sure I'll walk you back to your room.
> 
> And second night, oh hi, good to see you again, yep, I dont mind, naked is good with me...
> 
> ...or ... hey look, I'm a bit uncomfortable with you coming in and especially naked...if you wait, I'll be out in five minutes and you can have the spa to yourself...


It's happened, and I finished my cold beverage and left. Being married and all that.

But I can say I had no control over the woman disrobing and getting into the hot tub.

It was like a six person size hot tub, no chance she was sitting next to me for the time I took to finish my beer.

She made it apparent she was traveling in our business conference weekend and wanted to play but I was immediately clear I was M and not interested.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Andy1959 said:


> Guess it's an interesting question though... for men.. what would you do if you were in a small spa late in the evening by yourself (in your swimsuit) and a strange woman comes up to join you, takes everything off and displays everything and hops in? Go with the flow thinking?, well it's her choice but I'm happy to chat with her. Oops, is that your feet im touching...? getting late? sure I'll walk you back to your room.
> 
> And second night, oh hi, good to see you again, yep, I dont mind, naked is good with me...
> 
> ...or ... hey look, I'm a bit uncomfortable with you coming in and especially naked...if you wait, I'll be out in five minutes and you can have the spa to yourself...


I would automatically assume she is open to having sex with me and I would have to leave the hot tub. I would probably get out even if she were clothed. I'm married and shouldn't be sharing a smallish hot tub with a woman one on one. Just not a situation a married, or committed, person should remain in. 

I always try to think, how would my wife feel if she saw me in this situation? If she wouldn't like it and I have no life or death need to be in that situation I will separate myself from it. I also think what if she were in this situation, would I like it? 


What your GF did makes no sense in a committed relationship. She must have very loose boundaries, at least for herself. The question is why did she bother to tell you? Sounds like you have no other connection to anyone there, so she could have literally done anything and you wouldn't know about it. So why mention it? I could understand her telling you the story about the creepy naked guy that got into a spa with her and she got out of there quick. But instead it sounds like she told the story in a way that says she was excited and thought it was really cool how the old guy with a huge **** got in the spa with her, two nights in a row, and they hit it off and had a great time talking. 

Why tell you that? The only reasons I can think of are that she was trying to test you and make you jealous or she truly thought nothing was wrong with what she was doing. Both are pretty bad. The other option is she would be trying to minimize what really happened between them, but again, why do that when she could have just said nothing and you would never have know?


----------



## jlg07

Andy1959 said:


> A good possibility that he may of ask which in some ways still weird. Why naked? ...and just as weird that she said yes... but she did say she had no control on what others did which would lead you to believe he did this on his own accord...otherwise she would had control by saying no if he did asked.


Agreed that she had no control over what he did, but she DID have control over what SHE did. Her correct action, that a loving and committed partner should have done -- "no issues, I was just leaving" and then DO that. Go back to her room, not engage the guy, certainly NOT hang out and talk to him for 45 minutes. Then avoid him for the rest of the stay there. The guy isn't the problem -- yes what he did is gross, but he was just "trying" and your girlfriend allowed that "try" to work.


----------



## Evinrude58

A young, hot, NAKED woman gets in a hot tub at a resort with me and I’m married: I’m either going to leave immediately or risk being seduced. I’d leave. According to the hotness, I might be tempted to stay. I’d still leave. Anyone would if being faithful meant anything to them. 

Walk him to his room? That’s a good way to get raped. Also beyond stupid, and I’d say there was a 99% chance she went in and had sex with him. Again, no normal woman that had any inkling of valuing monogamy wouid do that. It’s ludicrous to say otherwise.

She is not for marriage or long term relationships, she’s for the streets.


----------



## In Absentia

Maybe the trunk man was gay?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

In Absentia said:


> Maybe the trunk man was gay?


He left an impression that stayed with the wife. I gues he was something. His trunk must have been something else.


----------



## DudeInProgress

In Absentia said:


> Maybe the trunk man was gay?


Maybe. But unless he was wearing a “Hi, I’m gay“ hat, she would have no way of knowing that when she chose to remain in the hot tub with him.

Also, if we’re doing wild guess maybe’s, maybe he was an asexual alien, just down here doing research. Nothing to worry about.


----------



## TexasMom1216

I know there are “nudists” who will contradict me, but adults aren’t generally naked around each other for non sexual reasons. Unless it is a place specifically for being naked in front of strangers, there is a sexual component to nudity. Like a strip club. The women aren’t naked because they’re comfortable that way. The point is sexual contact. Same with the hot tub. It was an overture and man or woman, if you’re in a marriage where you have a boundary around casual sex with strangers it’s inappropriate to stay.


----------



## frenchpaddy

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know there are “nudists” who will contradict me, but adults aren’t generally naked around each other for non sexual reasons. Unless it is a place specifically for being naked in front of strangers, there is a sexual component to nudity. Like a strip club. The women aren’t naked because they’re comfortable that way. The point is sexual contact. Same with the hot tub. It was an overture and man or woman, if you’re in a marriage where you have a boundary around casual sex with strangers it’s inappropriate to stay.


 saunas are a good example where people are nude but not in a sexual way , 
I have been a few times and they have a robe on when not in the sauna or shower


----------



## TexasMom1216

frenchpaddy said:


> saunas are a good example where people are nude but not in a sexual way ,
> I have been a few times and they have a robe on when not in the sauna or shower


Arent saunas are typically segregated by sex? I don’t go to them because where I live we go inside to escape heat and humidity. 😉😂


----------



## In Absentia

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe. But unless he was wearing a “Hi, I’m gay“ hat, she would have no way of knowing that when she chose to remain in the hot tub with him.
> 
> Also, if we’re doing wild guess maybe’s, maybe he was an asexual alien, just down here doing research. Nothing to worry about.


Maybe he got in saying “don’t worry, I’m gay” 😄


----------



## ABHale

If you’re planning on ending the relationship or taking a break to figure this out, I would send a message and then stop talking with her until she returns. Simply say you have figured out what you need to get over.


----------



## frenchpaddy

I think if the op comes back to give a report after she comes home it will be interesting and might fill in some of the blanks


----------



## Andy1959

frenchpaddy said:


> I think if the op comes back to give a report after she comes home it will be interesting and might fill in some of the blanks


I'll see what I can extract from her..nothing to lose...


TexasMom1216 said:


> I know there are “nudists” who will contradict me, but adults aren’t generally naked around each other for non sexual reasons. Unless it is a place specifically for being naked in front of strangers, there is a sexual component to nudity. Like a strip club. The women aren’t naked because they’re comfortable that way. The point is sexual contact. Same with the hot tub. It was an overture and man or woman, if you’re in a marriage where you have a boundary around casual sex with strangers it’s inappropriate to stay.


Tend to agree with you.. got all the ingredients in the pot (or in this case, spa) to make for some sexual intimacy to happen. And for it not to happen would be a extraordinary feat of restraint if there was no resistance or boundaries at the beginning, and restraint would be even less as the night progressed...not a good place to be for people of opposite sex to be just limited to casual chat. And especially when you see pictures of the spa and realise how close they were to each other...honestly, feel sicken by it


----------



## In Absentia

Andy1959 said:


> Tend to agree with you.. got all the ingredients in the pot (or in this case, spa) to make for some sexual intimacy to happen. And for it not to happen would be a extraordinary feat of restraint if there was no resistance or boundaries at the beginning, and restraint would be even less as the night progressed...not a good place to be for people of opposite sex to be just limited to casual chat. And especially when you see pictures of the spa and realise how close they were to each other...honestly, feel sicken by it


Two things: if she did something, why tell you? Also, he was an "elderly man" who seems to do that kind of stuff quite regularly... seems harmless to me. Be careful not to destroy your relationship on the base of assumptions.


----------



## ABHale

In Absentia said:


> Two things: if she did something, why tell you? Also, he was an "elderly man" who seems to do that kind of stuff quite regularly... seems harmless to me. Be careful not to destroy your relationship on the base of assumptions.


Why do you assume it is a elderly man that can’t get it up?

Do you honestly believe she would tell all of things happened?

Why are you under the assumption that one needs absolute proof to end a relationship?

She has betrayed trust.

She has done things that she admitted she would be very pissed about if Andy did them himself.

Then she tells him to get over himself.

It really sounds like she is in love Andy, not.


----------



## In Absentia

ABHale said:


> Why do you assume it is a elderly man that can’t get it up?
> 
> Do you honestly believe she would tell all of things happened?
> 
> Why are you under the assumption that one needs absolute proof to end a relationship?
> 
> She has betrayed trust.
> 
> She has done things that she admitted she would be very pissed about if Andy did them himself.
> 
> Then she tells him to get over himself.
> 
> It really sounds like she is in love Andy, not.


I do agree with you to a certain extent... my point was to discuss the events with his partner before he actually ends it, not based on assumptions, which will always be assumptions because he wasn't there. If you are prepared to end a relationship on the base of assumptions, fine by me. I would want more than that.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

In Absentia said:


> I do agree with you to a certain extent... my point was to discuss the events with his partner before he actually ends it, not based on assumptions. which will always be assumptions because he wasn't there. If you are prepared to end a relationship on the base of assumptions, fine by me. I would want more than that.


The only question is, is 60yrs old considered elderly? If so I might need to adjust my thinking.
🤣🤣🤣


----------



## In Absentia

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The only question is, is 60yrs old considered elderly? If so I might need to adjust my thinking.
> 🤣🤣🤣


I don't think the age was mentioned... if it says 60, it's definitely not "elderly"... lol


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

In Absentia said:


> I don't think the age was mentioned... if it says 60, it's definitely not "elderly"... lol


My man!

Life can continue.....🤣🤣🤣


----------



## ABHale

In Absentia said:


> I do agree with you to a certain extent... my point was to discuss the events with his partner before he actually ends it, not based on assumptions, which will always be assumptions because he wasn't there. If you are prepared to end a relationship on the base of assumptions, fine by me. I would want more than that.


That is the problem. Andy has no clue if she’s telling him the truth or not about what went on. All he will ever have is assumptions and his guy feeling


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ABHale said:


> That is the problem. Andy has no clue if she’s telling him the truth or not about what went on. All he will ever have is assumptions and his guy feeling


She chose this smarmy environment and thinks it's cool for whatever reason. I'm just thinking there's a lot he doesn't know about his wife or gf.


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> Why do you assume it is a elderly man that can’t get it up?
> 
> Do you honestly believe she would tell all of things happened?
> 
> Why are you under the assumption that one needs absolute proof to end a relationship?
> 
> She has betrayed trust.
> 
> She has done things that she admitted she would be very pissed about if Andy did them himself.
> 
> Then she tells him to get over himself.
> 
> It really sounds like she is in love Andy, not.


_It really sounds like she is in love Andy, not._

Might need to play back that 10CC hit in the 70s 'I'm Not In Love" to me, won't be hard to imagine her singing it . 😂


----------



## ABHale

The statement she made about you needing to get over yourself, struck a nerve.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Look, this is your partner, not your wife. At least you don't have to feel like you have to twist yourself into a knot trying to make it work if you have irreconcilable differences.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look, this is your partner, not your wife. At least you don't have to feel like you have to twist yourself into a knot trying to make it work if you have irreconcilable differences.


Someone just give me a favor and let me know that where you live partner may indeed be a legal marriage, so take what you can use and leave the rest.


----------



## frenchpaddy

DownByTheRiver said:


> Someone just give me a favor and let me know that where you live partner may indeed be a legal marriage, so take what you can use and leave the rest.


IN some countries if you live together for a set time your look on as common law married , with the same rights to anything owned , 
not the case in france which in some ways is a bad thing 
there has been cases that two people lived together after leaving a first relationship 
I have see women mostly get kicked out of the house by his kids 

I HAVE even see the mother get kicked out of the house she payed for long story
the husband was a farmer , he lost the farm she was a teacher 4 kids 
he lost his farm but was left with the newly built house to keep the house it was put in the name of the 2 sons mother wage paid for the house , after 40 years father died and the 4 kids had left the nest but the 2 sons moved their mother out and sold the house


----------



## ABHale

How are you doing @Andy1959 ?


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> How are you doing @Andy1959 ?


 Hey @ABHale , I'm doing ok thanks.. haven't caught up face to face with partner yet, still in decision mode, when/if I do, will confront her I'll won't go in aggressively but more in a way to generate conversation to get answers, well thats the plan anyway. Hopefully I won't lose it.... 
Took in all the great feedback received. Had lots of time to review and think about things.. Consensus would suggest something more did happen but certainly highlights the need to set boundaries in any relationship right from the start. 
Thanks for chasing up ABHale, much appreciated


----------



## frenchpaddy

Andy1959 said:


> Hey @ABHale , I'm doing ok thanks.. haven't caught up face to face with partner yet, still in decision mode, when/if I do, will confront her I'll won't go in aggressively but more in a way to generate conversation to get answers, well thats the plan anyway. Hopefully I won't lose it....
> Took in all the great feedback received. Had lots of time to review and think about things.. Consensus would suggest something more did happen but certainly highlights the need to set boundaries in any relationship right from the start.
> Thanks for chasing up ABHale, much appreciated


"if I do, will confront her I'll won't go in aggressively but more in a way to generate conversation to get answers, well thats the plan anyway. Hopefully I won't lose it...."

you will lose it it has been eating you up now with weeks


----------



## In Absentia

I would just mention it causally...


----------



## ABHale

Andy1959 said:


> Hey @ABHale , I'm doing ok thanks.. haven't caught up face to face with partner yet, still in decision mode, when/if I do, will confront her I'll won't go in aggressively but more in a way to generate conversation to get answers, well thats the plan anyway. Hopefully I won't lose it....
> Took in all the great feedback received. Had lots of time to review and think about things.. Consensus would suggest something more did happen but certainly highlights the need to set boundaries in any relationship right from the start.
> Thanks for chasing up ABHale, much appreciated


Hope it goes well.

Make sure you control the conversation. If she starts saying your just jealous or anything similar, end the conversation for later. You know she would have never let it go if the situation was reversed.


----------



## Landofblue

When does she return and you will see her face to face?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

In Absentia said:


> I would just mention it causally...


"Oh that reminds me honey, remember that elephant trunk guy you mentioned..."


----------



## Evinrude58

BigDaddyNY said:


> "Oh that reminds me honey, remember that elephant trunk guy you mentioned..."


More nonchalantly …., “oh that reminds me honey, remember that naked guy with the elephant truck that you talked to for 45 minutes in a tiny hot tub and then followed him to his room late at night….. yeah, then you wound up in that same hot tub with him naked again…..
That’s kinda a weird coincidence, huh?”


----------



## TRy

Andy1959 said:


> Hey @ABHale I'll won't go in aggressively but more in a way to generate conversation to get answers, well thats the plan anyway. Hopefully I won't lose it....


What is with all this passive talk from you? What she did was outrageous. When she asks what was she supposed to do, the answer is what was she not supposed to do?
1) She was not supposed to stay in small spa in body contact with a naked man as she looked at his privates floating at the top. 
2) She was not supposed to chat with said naked man for 45 minutes.
3) She was not supposed walk him to his room.
4) She was not supposed to do it again the next day.
5) She was not supposed to tell you to get over yourself when you did not want eat her **** sandwich.


----------



## So far so good

My advice: keep it simple.

You will never know if she was intimate with anyone while over there. Stop torturing yourself. Stop with the nine movies.

The ONLY thing you need to know is that your GF is not long term commitment material. That’s it.

You can confront her. she can tell you that nothing happened, and she’s sorry about this little incident and she loves you. Even if it’s all true… it doesn’t matter. She’s not a safe partner for a long term relationship that you are seeking.

You don’t even owe her an explanation. Just tell her you have grown apart, you’re very sorry, it’s not her it’s you blah blah blah and it’s time to move on. Then detach and move on.


----------



## CountryMike

TRy said:


> What is with all this passive talk from you? What she did was outrageous. When she asks what was she supposed to do, the answer is what was she not supposed to do?
> 1) She was not supposed to stay in small spa in body contact with a naked man as she looked at his privates floating at the top.
> 2) She was not supposed to chat with said naked man for 45 minutes.
> 3) She was not supposed walk him to his room.
> 4) She was not supposed to do it again the next day.
> 5) She was not supposed to tell you to get over yourself when you did not want eat her **** sandwich.


Something rings hollow on her story from what I've read. Wow.

This list appears to cover everything.


----------



## ABHale

@Andy1959, how are things?

Has she returned from her adventure?


----------



## ccpowerslave

🐘


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> @Andy1959, how are things?
> 
> Has she returned from her adventure?


Hey @ABHale, I'm doing good thanks... still looking at daisies from the top side... Tomorrow is the big day when I will see her face to face. Decided to challenge her with the 'what would you do?' scenario. Going to ask her how would she reacted if it was me in the small spa pool with a naked woman, in whom I chatted with, help her back to her room late at night and then meet up with her again a second night. 
Do feel right now game over for the relationship but still wanted her aspect of events.. 
Weirdest time though... bit of mixed emotions in regards to missing her and resenting her, wanting to see her again and not wanting to...

Will keep you posted on outcome..


----------



## TRy

Andy1959 said:


> Decided to challenge her with the 'what would you do?' scenario. Going to ask her how would she reacted if it was me in the small spa pool with a naked woman, in whom I chatted with, help her back to her room late at night and then meet up with her again a second night.


The “what would you do?” scenario rarely works. As we have seen time and again on this site, the cheater will usually just give a dishonest and self serving answer to that question. The only question in how she will respond is if she will call you “jealous and controlling” right away.


----------



## In Absentia

Just tell her you want to talk about something... that you were a bit upset she let a naked man being in the small hot tub with her... that you feel it was rather inappropriate, even if nothing happened. See what she says. I would use a calm tone, not accusative. I think it's early days to think about splitting up before even hearing the full story from her, face to face.


----------



## Evinrude58

What would you do and how would you feel if?

I’d trust you blah blah blah. You’re so controlling blah blah blah. Just ask Peggy Sue blah blah. He was ugly and old blah blah. Not my type…
You’re always jealous over nothing. 
Why can’t you have a little faith in me?
I love you but I’m not in love with you any more. I needed to get away from you and get some space. You overwhelm me. 

Something like that. It’s your life, but you’re just gonna bring yourself a big old heaping spoonful of pain. It’s hard but what you should do is ghost her.


----------



## Tdbo

Andy1959 said:


> Hey @ABHale, I'm doing good thanks... still looking at daisies from the top side... Tomorrow is the big day when I will see her face to face. Decided to challenge her with the 'what would you do?' scenario. Going to ask her how would she reacted if it was me in the small spa pool with a naked woman, in whom I chatted with, help her back to her room late at night and then meet up with her again a second night.
> Do feel right now game over for the relationship but still wanted her aspect of events..
> Weirdest time though... bit of mixed emotions in regards to missing her and resenting her, wanting to see her again and not wanting to...
> 
> Will keep you posted on outcome..


Don't waste your time.
First of all, if she was "All that into you," the last place she would be would be working overseas as a volunteer. She would be by your side.
Her response to your concerns was telling. IF she truly cared, she would be reassuring and concerned that you were distressed about it, and would have jumped up out of the tub the second that superschlong entered the tub.
At this point, your best play is to get a good sturdy box (or array of if required) and box up any personal effects of hers that are at your place. Deliver those boxes to a joint friend, or her parents if available.
If she has a key to your place, change the locks.
Block her from any means of communication that she may utilize to contact you.
Move on. Find a woman that views you as a priority, instead of an option.


----------



## Evinrude58

OP, I’m worried you miss her so badly that you’ll accept whatever bs she tells you and stay in this. You’ll be getting cheated on by her, abd you’ll be cheating yourself out of the possibility of merging someone decent. She’s not.
remember her actions.

Her words are irrElephant.
Tell her to put her junk in his Trunk, and get on out from your place.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

In Absentia said:


> Just tell her you want to talk about something... that you were a bit upset she let a naked man being in the small hot tub with her... that you feel it was rather inappropriate, even if nothing happened. See what she says. I would use a calm tone, not accusative. I think it's early days to think about splitting up before even hearing the full story from her, face to face.


This sound like gross minimization of her deeply inappropriate activities in her trip. The 'a bit upset' is sheer understatement of how the OP might be feeling (he has used the word 'resent' in his latest update).

Cheaters are known to deceive, lie, or gaslight the victim. Be this in relation to financial matters or in a relationship.

Yes, talks should be in composed manner, but OP should return to dating market and search for a more compatible woman. To put this in very mild terms.


----------



## In Absentia

LeGenDary_Man said:


> This sound like gross minimization of her deeply inappropriate activities in her trip. The 'a bit upset' is sheer understatement of how the OP might be feeling (he has used the word 'resent' in his latest update).
> 
> Cheaters are known to deceive, lie, or gaslight the victim. Be this in relation to financial matters or in a relationship.
> 
> Yes, talks should be in composed manner, but OP should return to dating market and search for a more compatible woman. To put this in very mild terms.


All I’m saying is that he needs to be cautious before he goes in heavily. He hasn’t even spoken to her face to face!


----------



## frenchpaddy

In Absentia said:


> All I’m saying is that he needs to be cautious before he goes in heavily. He hasn’t even spoken to her face to face!


i agree and I don't have a crystal ball to tell me what the woman is like , seems just as silly to me to let a bunch of strangers on the net wind me up about my gf as my gf going off to the other side of the world unless she had good reason to do so in the first place


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

frenchpaddy said:


> i agree and I don't have a crystal ball to tell me what the woman is like , seems just as silly to me to let a bunch of strangers on the net wind me up about my gf as my gf going off to the other side of the world unless she had good reason to do so in the first place


The woman [in question] is inferred to have cheated on her partner and disregarded his feelings based on information provided by OP in _this_ thread. He opened _this_ thread to seek advice from 'a bunch of strangers' about his situation and how to deal with the woman [in question]. I am one of the strangers who advised OP to implement NC with her (while she is away) and confront her (when she returns).

My contention is to NOT rug-sweep/excuse/minimize 'objectionable activities' of a partner in a relationship. 

The ball is in OP's court now. Let us see.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

LeGenDary_Man said:


> The ball is in OP's court now. Let us see.


And that ball would be bouncing right about now I guess.

If he buys her teary-eyed story then I doubt we'll see OP again. If I had $10, that's what I'd bet on. I hope I'm wrong.


----------



## ccpowerslave

BeyondRepair007 said:


> And that ball would be bouncing right about now I guess.
> 
> If he buys her teary-eyed story then I doubt we'll see OP again. If I had $10, that's what I'd bet on. I hope I'm wrong.


I’m not sure, what is that old saying, “Elephants never forget…”. 🐘


----------



## uwe.blab

BeyondRepair007 said:


> And that ball would be bouncing right about now I guess.
> 
> If he buys her teary-eyed story then I doubt we'll see OP again. If I had $10, that's what I'd bet on. I hope I'm wrong.


do you have $9?


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

@Andy1959

How you are doing, bro? Please feel encouraged to provide an update here.

Even if the talks didn't go as planned, you might benefit from input here.


----------



## Andy1959

Ok, we met up and it definitely wasn't the "big hug and I really missed you" encounter. Pretty reserved. We did talk over the trip, places visited etc for a while. But then I let her know how I felt about the spa incident and told her I felt gutted by the whole event. She said said (again) that she didn't have any control but was shocked when he dropped his towel and came in naked. She mentioned she did feel uncomfortable about it. I said,'but two nights?' She said on the second night she went to the spa for alone time by picking a late time. But he showed up again and same thing. I asked her why she stayed and again she stated that she was wearing a swim suit and wasn't showing off anything and he talked about stuff she found interesting (non-sexual). She told others about the first night encounter and was told this is normal in Europe and people will jump in naked as a matter of course. So second night wasn't such a shock to her. So I said to her how would she felt if it was me and she openly stated she wouldn't of liked it. Then she hit me with the trust thing. Why am I not trusting her. Don't you trust me? etc. 
Still feeling somewhat uncomfortable about this, I talked about the size of the spa being small, it there would be touching going on... she was now a bit irritated and said the spa was large, in fact if could fit 10 or so people in to...where I responded, the photo of the spa looks to be pretty small. Found out that it was 2.5m across... not a small spa but not large either, but yes 10 people could fit if crammed in..
What about walking him back to his room... his first night and didn't know his way around. As he was a client and she was a volunteer helper, she felt obliged to assist. 

Told her how peeved off I was when she told me to 'get over yourself', and said that undermined my concerns about her being in a spa with a naked man. No real response from her.

So after talking for while, I felt uneasy and reflected on the feedback received from this post. Really felt stuck in this gut wrenching zone where leaving her will feel just as bad staying with her. 

Decided not to stay the night with her... couldn't go there. Was a big anticlimax to her return. Mentally and emotionally started packing my bags to move on..


----------



## Andy1001

I’ve flicked through this thread and one question leapt out at me from the first post.
Why did she tell you?
If as she said this is common behaviour 😏 why would she mention it. I think she got caught behaving inappropriately and there may be consequences.
In your shoes buddy I would have dumped her when she said she was going away for three months to volunteer at what’s basically a singles party zone.
But if you decide to stay with her she needs to get a complete std check carried out, up to and including hiv.


----------



## In Absentia

Andy1959 said:


> Ok, we met up and it definitely wasn't the "big hug and I really missed you" encounter. Pretty reserved. We did talk over the trip, places visited etc for a while. But then I let her know how I felt about the spa incident and told her I felt gutted by the whole event. She said said (again) that she didn't have any control but was shocked when he dropped his towel and came in naked. She mentioned she did feel uncomfortable about it. I said,'but two nights?' She said on the second night she went to the spa for alone time by picking a late time. But he showed up again and same thing. I asked her why she stayed and again she stated that she was wearing a swim suit and wasn't showing off anything and he talked about stuff she found interesting (non-sexual). She told others about the first night encounter and was told this is normal in Europe and people will jump in naked as a matter of course. So second night wasn't such a shock to her. So I said to her how would she felt if it was me and she openly stated she wouldn't of liked it. Then she hit me with the trust thing. Why am I not trusting her. Don't you trust me? etc.
> Still feeling somewhat uncomfortable about this, I talked about the size of the spa being small, it there would be touching going on... she was now a bit irritated and said the spa was large, in fact if could fit 10 or so people in to...where I responded, the photo of the spa looks to be pretty small. Found out that it was 2.5m across... not a small spa but not large either, but yes 10 people could fit if crammed in..
> What about walking him back to his room... his first night and didn't know his way around. As he was a client and she was a volunteer helper, she felt obliged to assist.
> 
> Told her how peeved off I was when she told me to 'get over yourself', and said that undermined my concerns about her being in a spa with a naked man. No real response from her.
> 
> So after talking for while, I felt uneasy and reflected on the feedback received from this post. Really felt stuck in this gut wrenching zone where leaving her will feel just as bad staying with her.
> 
> Decided not to stay the night with her... couldn't go there. Was a big anticlimax to her return. Mentally and emotionally started packing my bags to move on..


So, the hot tub was big...


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

Andy1959 said:


> Ok, we met up and it definitely wasn't the "big hug and I really missed you" encounter. Pretty reserved. We did talk over the trip, places visited etc for a while. But then I let her know how I felt about the spa incident and told her I felt gutted by the whole event. She said said (again) that she didn't have any control but was shocked when he dropped his towel and came in naked. She mentioned she did feel uncomfortable about it. I said,'but two nights?' She said on the second night she went to the spa for alone time by picking a late time. But he showed up again and same thing. I asked her why she stayed and again she stated that she was wearing a swim suit and wasn't showing off anything and he talked about stuff she found interesting (non-sexual). She told others about the first night encounter and was told this is normal in Europe and people will jump in naked as a matter of course. So second night wasn't such a shock to her. So I said to her how would she felt if it was me and she openly stated she wouldn't of liked it. Then she hit me with the trust thing. Why am I not trusting her. Don't you trust me? etc.
> Still feeling somewhat uncomfortable about this, I talked about the size of the spa being small, it there would be touching going on... she was now a bit irritated and said the spa was large, in fact if could fit 10 or so people in to...where I responded, the photo of the spa looks to be pretty small. Found out that it was 2.5m across... not a small spa but not large either, but yes 10 people could fit if crammed in..
> What about walking him back to his room... his first night and didn't know his way around. As he was a client and she was a volunteer helper, she felt obliged to assist.
> 
> Told her how peeved off I was when she told me to 'get over yourself', and said that undermined my concerns about her being in a spa with a naked man. No real response from her.
> 
> So after talking for while, I felt uneasy and reflected on the feedback received from this post. Really felt stuck in this gut wrenching zone where leaving her will feel just as bad staying with her.
> 
> Decided not to stay the night with her... couldn't go there. Was a big anticlimax to her return. Mentally and emotionally started packing my bags to move on..


You carried yourself in a dignified manner in these talks, bro. Credit where due.

Very sorry for your situation. This is not your fault. You trusted her to do the right thing but she blew it. I do NOT get her "attitude." She is NOT apologetic for her deeds and decisions that have HURT you, and rather irritated by your attempts to probe her. Great.

But look at the bright side. She is making it easier for you to move on with her "attitude."

I am pretty sure this man wanted to score with your partner. He could navigate his way to Spa but not back to his room? More like he wanted your partner to walk him back to his room so he could try to pull her in and have sex with her. Not sure if he managed to, but he sought her out again in the next night, and she spent 45 minutes with him in the Spa this time (just the two of them?) and she told you to "get over it." Definitely alarming.

Now the problem is that you will be left to wonder whether he managed to have sex with your partner (or not). Your partner will not tell you of-course. She is rather irritated by your attempts to probe her.

I am a religious man and a husband. I will NOT stop being religious and faithful to my wife in a trip to UK or another European country. I do not care about what others seem to do in Europe. I will be mindful of the Laws of a country at most.

Why she even felt the need to volunteer in such a secluded spot in UK where hookups are likely? You should ask this question when you have another round of talks with her.

Do NOT be intimate with your partner in order to make a statement. Give her time and space to figure out WHY she did not make decisions in the best interests of your relationship with her and disregarded your feelings. If she does not gets it, she will never get it.

You need time and space to HEAL and figure out what is the best interests for YOU. Stay strong.


----------



## Evinrude58

She’s been gone for 3 months, didn’t beg you for your company or for you to stay, wasn’t starving for sex from YOU. I am no Eropean expert but I do not believe the story about butt ass naked people getting in a hot tub with a lone woman being normal. 
Everything you described in your last post shows complete apathy toward you. Move on. It’s not like she contributes much to your life anyway. Heck she’s gone.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Andy1959 said:


> Ok, we met up and it definitely wasn't the "big hug and I really missed you" encounter. Pretty reserved. We did talk over the trip, places visited etc for a while. But then I let her know how I felt about the spa incident and told her I felt gutted by the whole event. She said said (again) that she didn't have any control but was shocked when he dropped his towel and came in naked. She mentioned she did feel uncomfortable about it. I said,'but two nights?' She said on the second night she went to the spa for alone time by picking a late time. But he showed up again and same thing. I asked her why she stayed and again she stated that she was wearing a swim suit and wasn't showing off anything and he talked about stuff she found interesting (non-sexual). She told others about the first night encounter and was told this is normal in Europe and people will jump in naked as a matter of course. So second night wasn't such a shock to her. So I said to her how would she felt if it was me and she openly stated she wouldn't of liked it. Then she hit me with the trust thing. Why am I not trusting her. Don't you trust me? etc.
> Still feeling somewhat uncomfortable about this, I talked about the size of the spa being small, it there would be touching going on... she was now a bit irritated and said the spa was large, in fact if could fit 10 or so people in to...where I responded, the photo of the spa looks to be pretty small. Found out that it was 2.5m across... not a small spa but not large either, but yes 10 people could fit if crammed in..
> What about walking him back to his room... his first night and didn't know his way around. As he was a client and she was a volunteer helper, she felt obliged to assist.
> 
> Told her how peeved off I was when she told me to 'get over yourself', and said that undermined my concerns about her being in a spa with a naked man. No real response from her.
> 
> So after talking for while, I felt uneasy and reflected on the feedback received from this post. Really felt stuck in this gut wrenching zone where leaving her will feel just as bad staying with her.
> 
> Decided not to stay the night with her... couldn't go there. Was a big anticlimax to her return. Mentally and emotionally started packing my bags to move on..


Your GF lacks boundaries and has a double standard. She is VERY poor LTR material.


----------



## jlg07

Was this place in England? We have folks from there -- folks, is this normal behavior to jump into hot tubs naked with strangers?


----------



## Diana7

Andy1959 said:


> Ok, we met up and it definitely wasn't the "big hug and I really missed you" encounter. Pretty reserved. We did talk over the trip, places visited etc for a while. But then I let her know how I felt about the spa incident and told her I felt gutted by the whole event. She said said (again) that she didn't have any control but was shocked when he dropped his towel and came in naked. She mentioned she did feel uncomfortable about it. I said,'but two nights?' She said on the second night she went to the spa for alone time by picking a late time. But he showed up again and same thing. I asked her why she stayed and again she stated that she was wearing a swim suit and wasn't showing off anything and he talked about stuff she found interesting (non-sexual). She told others about the first night encounter and was told this is normal in Europe and people will jump in naked as a matter of course. So second night wasn't such a shock to her. So I said to her how would she felt if it was me and she openly stated she wouldn't of liked it. Then she hit me with the trust thing. Why am I not trusting her. Don't you trust me? etc.
> Still feeling somewhat uncomfortable about this, I talked about the size of the spa being small, it there would be touching going on... she was now a bit irritated and said the spa was large, in fact if could fit 10 or so people in to...where I responded, the photo of the spa looks to be pretty small. Found out that it was 2.5m across... not a small spa but not large either, but yes 10 people could fit if crammed in..
> What about walking him back to his room... his first night and didn't know his way around. As he was a client and she was a volunteer helper, she felt obliged to assist.
> 
> Told her how peeved off I was when she told me to 'get over yourself', and said that undermined my concerns about her being in a spa with a naked man. No real response from her.
> 
> So after talking for while, I felt uneasy and reflected on the feedback received from this post. Really felt stuck in this gut wrenching zone where leaving her will feel just as bad staying with her.
> 
> Decided not to stay the night with her... couldn't go there. Was a big anticlimax to her return. Mentally and emotionally started packing my bags to move on..


The thing is that she claims it was out of her control which is a lie. She could have got straight out and gone. She had that control not to have just accepted it. 
Just because it may be accepted in some places (it's not in the UK)doesn't mean that we ourselves can't have boundaries about what is acceptable. Hers seem rather different from yours.


----------



## Diana7

jlg07 said:


> Was this place in England? We have folks from there -- folks, is this normal behavior to jump into hot tubs naked with strangers?


It's not. I have never heard of it happening here.


----------



## Diana7

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You carried yourself in a dignified manner in these talks, bro. Credit where due.
> 
> Very sorry for your situation. This is not your fault. You trusted her to do the right thing but she blew it. I do NOT get her "attitude." She is NOT apologetic for her deeds and decisions that have HURT you, and rather irritated by your attempts to probe her. Great.
> 
> But look at the bright side. She is making it easier for you to move on with her "attitude."
> 
> I am pretty sure this man wanted to score with your partner. He could navigate his way to Spa but not back to his room? More like he wanted your partner to walk him back to his room so he could try to pull her in and have sex with her. Not sure if he managed to, but he sought her out again in the next night, and she spent 45 minutes with him in the Spa this time (just the two of them?) and she told you to "get over it." Definitely alarming.
> 
> Now the problem is that you will be left to wonder whether he managed to have sex with your partner (or not). Your partner will not tell you of-course. She is rather irritated by your attempts to probe her.
> 
> I am a religious man and a husband. I will NOT stop being religious and faithful to my wife in a trip to UK or another European country. I do not care about what others seem to do in Europe. I will be mindful of the Laws of a country at most.
> 
> Why she even felt the need to volunteer in such a secluded spot in UK where hookups are likely? You should ask this question when you have another round of talks with her.
> 
> Do NOT be intimate with your partner in order to make a statement. Give her time and space to figure out WHY she did not make decisions in the best interests of your relationship with her and disregarded your feelings. If she does not gets it, she will never get it.
> 
> You need time and space to HEAL and figure out what is the best interests for YOU. Stay strong.


Believe me it's not normal here. I have been to hotel spas and other places with pools and jacuzzis and never known it happen. I suspect the guy would have been thrown out if she had reported him.


----------



## Evinrude58

Might be common at the type of “resort” she purposely chose to work at. Sounds c more like a nudist house of debauchery.
No respectable woman would spend 5 seconds working at a place where naked men jump in the tub with them. Let’s be realistic


----------



## ABHale

So she wasn’t thrilled to see you after 3 months? That says quite a bit to be honest.


----------



## bygone

3 months is a long time considering sex,

I wouldn't have thought your partner would return to you without being in a busy center and with young volunteers.It is necessary to believe that your partner left knowing that the relationship will end.


----------



## Evinrude58

bygone said:


> 3 months is a long time considering sex,
> 
> I wouldn't have thought your partner would return to you without being in a busy center and with young volunteers.It is necessary to believe that your partner left knowing that the relationship will end.


Huh?


----------



## bygone

She left knowing that she would cross borders and end their relationship.


----------



## Jimi007

bygone said:


> She left knowing that she would cross borders and end their relationship.


I didn't see where anything like that was said but I guess it's possible ?


----------



## Evinrude58

No woman that was majorly in love with her bf would volunterr to leave him for 3 months. He is toast whether he tries to stay with her or not.


----------



## bygone

Years of relationship knows enough to know her partner and their limits.

she decided to go for 3 months.

she said the guy went in naked, ( they were with a few friends!)

Knowing that his partner was/will be uncomfortable, again she was with the man in the spa for 2 nights.

her ıf partner admitted that she would be offended if this were the case, but did not apologize


----------



## ABHale

This is just two nights out of three months. I am wondering if other things happened that she hasn’t said anything about.

As for the volunteer side of it, from what I have read, working 5 hours a day in the garden was the only requirement. The rest of her time was hers to do what she wanted. She had no obligation to show naked man to his room.


----------



## Evinrude58

Do more research 


ABHale said:


> These is just two nights out of three months. I am wondering if other things happened that she hasn’t said anything about.
> 
> As for the volunteer side of it, from what I have read, working 5 hours a day in the garden was the only requirement. The rest of her time was hers to do what she wanted. She had no obligation to show naked man to his room.


Do better research, AB. Line 31b of the job description clearly says “escorting naked men with elephant trunk penii who have lost their way, from the hours if 10pm-4am is a necessary part of all gardener duties. The company also encourages evening conversations with nude men in the hot tub as a courtesy to foster a friendly and inviting atmosphere where clients feel welcomed and comfortable. Helicoptering is indeed a sign that the clients feel Safe and free to interact with others.

I say she should be awarded the Victoria Emerald Green Hostess Medal for her efforts to make the people there feel comfortable.

And here the OP was twisting this kindness into something dreadful through jealousy and distrust. I’m appalled….


----------



## frenchpaddy

bygone said:


> 3 months is a long time considering sex,
> 
> I wouldn't have thought your partner would return to you without being in a busy center and with young volunteers.It is necessary to believe that your partner left knowing that the relationship will end.


 I guess it's possible that she was not fully into the relationship in the first place , 
The reason she left to go and pay good money to fly across the world to stay in this resort and work there for free and hide the type and what goes on there for me is enough even with out staying in the tube and again the next night ,
I can't see how she would not know the type resort this was if she did not do her research and did not know is just silly ,

for me I think in her mind the relationship was just a FWB 
And for the OP it was more , until he had a wake up call


----------



## ABHale

@Andy1959, how are you and things?


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> Hi @ABHale , I'm good thanks, doing better than I thought I would. I have now broken up with her using the 'she would of done the same to me if the shoe was on the other foot'. Arguments both ways but in the end, told her this is not what I want. I will help her out now and then as 'friends' but I don't feel the same way for her so I have definitely moved on. Not easy to be honest but not going back to a relationship that keeps me awake at night stressing.. just not worth it.
> 
> Like your Line 31b rule...had a good laugh. Was very well put, almost believable.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

I take it she did not put up any fight at all to keep you in her life.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Andy1959 said:


> Hi @ABHale , I'm good thanks, doing better than I thought I would. I have now broken up with her using the 'she would of done the same to me if the shoe was on the other foot'. Arguments both ways but in the end, told her this is not what I want. I will help her out now and then as 'friends' but I don't feel the same way for her so I have definitely moved on. Not easy to be honest but not going back to a relationship that keeps me awake at night stressing.. just not worth it.
> 
> Like your Line 31b rule...had a good laugh. Was very well put, almost believable.


Sad, but it likely will save you more pain in the long run.


----------



## ABHale

Dictum Veritas said:


> I take it she did not put up any fight at all to keep you in her life.


I think she tried to argue him out of breaking up. The damage was already done though. Combined with the lack of enthusiasm when she first got home, it was the end for OP.


----------



## Evinrude58

If OP broke it off with her, he did the right thing. She’s not LTR material for anyone.


----------



## Andy1959

Dictum Veritas said:


> I take it she did not put up any fight at all to keep you in her life.


I would say yes, she did but now thinking that it was more wanting me the 'handy man' in her life rather than 'the man' in her life if you know what I mean. Think she was more interested in what I can do for her rather than me as a person. And I probably let it go that way in the past wanting to help her as much as could, ...being Mr Nice Guy with all the inherent flaws that go with it. But all romantic and emotional ties are cut and now my focus is elsewhere and will no longer be the 24/7 help anymore in her life.


----------



## ABHale

I think it would be wise to cut her out completely for a while at the very least.


----------



## Andy1959

ABHale said:


> I think it would be wise to cut her out completely for a while at the very least.


Might be best option when all things considered. Could fall prey to any approaches she makes to me...especially when I think I've conquered...or when vulnerable. ..will need to reflect on that..


----------



## ABHale

Andy1959 said:


> Might be best option when all things considered. Could fall prey to any approaches she makes to me...especially when I think I've conquered...or when vulnerable. ..will need to reflect on that..


Read “No More Mr Nice Guy”, it could help with your situation.


----------



## uwe.blab

Andy1959 said:


> Might be best option when all things considered. Could fall prey to any approaches she makes to me...especially when I think I've conquered...or when vulnerable. ..will need to reflect on that..


Are you saying you can try to break up with her but you aren't sure if you will go through it if she tries to keep the relationship going?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Andy1959 said:


> Might be best option when all things considered. Could fall prey to any approaches she makes to me...especially when I think I've conquered...or when vulnerable. ..will need to reflect on that..


When vulnerable meaning when horny?


----------



## Andy1959

uwe.blab said:


> Are you saying you can try to break up with her but you aren't sure if you will go through it if she tries to keep the relationship going?


 More saying a clean cut off might be the better option that a lingering departure. Would I respond to her? ...no, not at this point. Only need to think of the spa situation to remind me this will happen again. Definitely a disconnection..and at the end of the day, go back to what?


----------



## Andy1959

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> When vulnerable meaning when horny?


 Isn't this the only time men are vulnerable...?


----------



## Evinrude58

Andy1959 said:


> Isn't this the only time men are vulnerable...?


Lmao. Bravo


----------



## SuadAnny

Strangely, your partner doesn't find it uncomfortable and confusing. However, she really trusts you and doesn't hide anything if she speaks about it freely. I assume the only problem you've got is the different visions considering privacy and nudity. Though it sounds funny, I suggest she find a secure spa option in the nearest town, so she could be safe and never worry that someone could interrupt her rest and confuse her. I hope you'll go through it and she understands what you're trying to say


----------



## ShatteredKat

I vote you cease and desist any further interaction with your "girlfriend" - people, most of the time, get together when they see something they like. Often people are not enamored with looks but continued social interaction kindles a liking.

The relationship grows with more person to person interaction and ALSO watching how the other person runs their life both when WITH you and WHEN *NOT* WITH YOU.

Integrity: Doing the right thing when no one is looking . . .

So, do you think your girlfriend has integrity? That is for you to ponder.

I am thinking you are seeing someone who, long term, will not be a person who you really won't want to share time with as you learn more about her attitudes and choices in behavior.

Bail


----------



## Jimi007

ZOMBIE THREAD , WHERE'S THE ZOMBIE CAT ?


----------



## jlg07

It would be nice to find out an update before the zombie cat descends!!! @Andy1959, any updates?


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Speculation, but most probably true:

She had a sex filled holiday, doing whomever and whatever she pleased.

OP is man enough to put his garbage on the curb and make it the problem of those who deal with garbage.

PERIOD,

The End.


----------



## MattMatt

@Andy1959 How's it going, mate? Any progress?


----------



## Andy1959

Hi, hey so good to see further follow ups from you guys, and comments. thought it ended a while ago but see it's still going!... thank you and is very much appreciated. Update... Caught up with her friend she went overseas with and wow, enlightenment... so all the people who thought she was up to no good...well done! spot on. Didn't find out too much about the spa but can strongly assume something went on...found out too I was her backup guy (really fooled me)... she was seeing at another guy (serious stuff) for a year before see went over the UK and I was totally unaware of it. But even while out with this guy, she dated another man in February this year spending a naughty weekend with him, so back then she had three men on the go before she wen to UK.. So all suspicions that she was dodgy as was bang on. Found out too she was always on Tinder and actively seeking and chatting with other men, So in reality, what I thought was a close relationship was anything but. I was just a guy to fill in the gaps...being highly manipulated by a woman who knows how to play the switches on man. 
Her friend told me about the long chats she had with other men while over the UK and funny enough, she would talk about these men to her friend but I hardly got even a mention... so in reality, I was so peripheral, I didnt even get an honourable mention. 
So, yeah, bummer...


----------



## BigDaddyNY

So, turns out she's just a skilled ho. You're better off with her gone, obviously. 

Now its time to reflect on how you were fooled by her for so long.


----------



## bygone

you should get yourself tested

What could a woman who has been in a constant relationship with multiple men infecting you?


----------



## Evinrude58

Glad you got the goods on her and sent her packing. Please tell me you sent her packing……
Hoes gonna hoe……that’s what I’ve heard anyway.


----------



## Andy1959

bygone said:


> you should get yourself tested
> 
> What could a woman who has been in a constant relationship with multiple men infecting you?


Haven't had sex with her since...and not keen...do know what she could be carrying now in her little infectous incubator.. did kill the 'lets forgive and forget and move on" option... But yes, will get tested regardless..


----------



## Andy1959

BigDaddyNY said:


> So, turns out she's just a skilled ho. You're better off with her gone, obviously.
> 
> Now its time to reflect on how you were fooled by her for so long.


Think any man can be fooled if they dont see the signs or dismiss them...like I did. And according to web sites, there seems to be a lot of back up guys thinking they are in an exclusive relationship, and woman keeping back up guys in their lives knowing just how much to feed them.... sex included.


----------



## Andy1959

Evinrude58 said:


> Glad you got the goods on her and sent her packing. Please tell me you sent her packing……
> Hoes gonna hoe……that’s what I’ve heard anyway.


Not quite packing but not intimate either, shes wants to keep in touch... but she now knows she's without a back up guy, and no doubt, she will find another one because she will know what to say and how to flirt to hit the right buttons... but as for me, I do need to be more savvy when it comes to woman... actually, lot more.


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## jlg07

Andy1959 said:


> Not quite packing but not intimate either, shes wants to keep in touch... but she now knows she's without a back up guy, and no doubt, she will find another one because she will know what to say and how to flirt to hit the right buttons... but as for me, I do need to be more savvy when it comes to woman... actually, lot more.


Seriously, why bother keeping in touch with someone like that -- who lies to you, strings you along... That is NOT a friend, or even a person you'd WANT to keep in contact with, so why bother? I'd tell her she's not a quality person and you have no interest in keeping in contact.


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## SunCMars

I always try to see the positive in any situation, in any relationship.

As it turns out, you were her backup...
Her plan B, the place where she hung up her washed undies.
Not good.

That said, I assume, she kept your plumbing moving, with no backups occurring. 
She was your Plan A, a plan, now gone bust.

Find a new bust, a fine set attached to a loyal lady.


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