# Wife involved in EA, and I am tore up!



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

My wife and I are going to be married for 10 years in a couple days. We were married very young. I was 19, and she was 20. We have had a great marriage; never any major issues. We had fights here and there, but mostly just about me going out with guy friends too much. My wife has only ever been with 2 men in her life, myself 4. I was completely honest with her about my sexual experiences because I knew she was not as experienced. I did not want to leave anything secret.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. We were having a discussion about our fantasies and such. Our sex life has always been damn good, so this talk wasn't abnormal. She said to me that she felt inexperienced when it came to sex, and she thought it would be interesting to have sex with another man. She said no attachment, just sex. I told her I was definitely not down for that, nor would I want the opposite. We had a little argument about it, but it seemed resolved.

This past weekend I asked my wife if she had been completely honest with me about everything. She said she had one more thing to tell me. Of course I was scared. She said that she had a co-worker that she has been talking to via text message for about 5 months! She said it was nothing more than friendly banter, but she felt that it had crossed the line a bit. She said they did talk about sex, but about their personal preferences. Nothing directed to each other. She had deleted all their texts, of course, and couldn't remember the details (also a given). She also had his number in her phone as a woman's name. I have never been the jealous type, so this was even more odd. I told her I did not want her to speak to this man. I wanted her to walk up to him at work, and put an end to it. Later that day, I checked our phone bill. She had been send messages to him from 9am-5pm Monday-Friday. Always at work; never at home. I also found a way to retrieve the deleted text messages.

I read them, and it just seemed to be almost like, sorry for the language, a **** tease. They seemed to just be saying **** to each other, and the other would respond with "that's hot" etc. Now I am definitely not okay with this. My wife has said in the past that she would enjoy a swingers-type situation, but she couldn't handle me doing it. She says obviously if I can't, she can't. I honestly do not think it went further than just sexually charged flirting. 

She did tell him to stop contacting her, and I told her that if I saw anything suspicious again, I would contact the other man's wife. He is married with a newborn child. So my question is:

I just feel like that since she did not end it on her own terms, that it may rekindle. That thought I cannot handle. She has been extremely open with me since I discovered all this. She even said that it would be hard not to talk to him because they always talked via text at work, but she is willing to give it up for me. She seems very, uh, willing to do whatever I need. At the same time, I do not want to drag this through the mud and make it worse. Is there any help someone can send my way? I am more or less looking for some unbiased advice. Thanks everyone.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

First off, why not still tell the other man's wife. Chances are that if your wife has truly stopped contacting him, that he's taken up with another woman and is still doing the same. (And frankly, I've found that people who are titillated by this stuff often have several irons in the fire simulataneously, if you know what I mean.)

I would get the books
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

and work through them with her.

You are not "jealous," you just have the same expectations as virtually everyone else who takes marriage seriously--that discussing sexual matters with a sexually attractive person outside the marriage is extremely wrong and extremely threatening to the relationship.

What are you doing to verify that this has stopped? How do you know she isn't continuing this fun, highly addictive habit on facebook or elsewhere, and with other men?


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you for the book ideas; I will definitely get on top of those.

As for the verification, she forwarded me the email that he sent to her asking if she was okay after she told him we fought about it. I also have full access to her text message records via our provider. As for Facebook, she has told me that she would provide me with all her user names and passwords for all the various sites she uses. The transparency would help a bit. I cannot monitor her work email, or them talking face to face. I did actually speak to the man on the phone, and told him not to contact my wife. He stated that it was no problem, he understood. I find that very hard to believe. My wife says that she did not realize he was making advances to her until I read them aloud to her; they seems difficult to believe as well. I do not know if there are other men, but I have a strong feeling there is not. I did have a weird feeling for the last couple weeks that something was off. I confronted her, and she told me the whole thing.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

She seems to be remorseful.

She is willing to be transparent.

You are willing to work it out with her.

You are missing one important piece here and it is the hardest one but a must do in my opinion...she needs to look for a new job. You are not going to be able to feel okay unless you are sure she has no contact with him. Trust me on this one.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

Unfortunately, I believe a new job would be best. I do not think that would work though. She has a great job that she has worked her way into without experience. She has no certifications for the job; she just showed them she could do it. I do not think she could get a job like that again. But, on the other hand, they are not even in the same department. There is no reason for them to even pass each other in the hallway. Two different departments, different floors, and slightly different schedules. I wish that I could tell her "quit that job, and find another", but I am pretty sure that would not work financially.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

The part I have a hard time with is that she stated "it is going to be hard to stop talking to him, but I will for us". I understand that she is willing to do this to save our marriage, but it hurts that she is going to miss it. She did state that she thought that it was getting a little out of hand, and she was going to put a stop to it. But I did instead. It is just hard. There is no other way to put it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, Marriage Counselling might be of benefit. If your wife genuinely is remorseful about what she has done.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

I have been thinking about marriage counseling actually. I just always feel like that is were marriages go to slowly die. I have not heard of anyone who has had success with that. Honestly, I love my wife so much that I feel blind. This pulled of the blindfold, and what I saw was horrible. She does seem remorseful, but I am not sure if it is for me or her. Is she upset she had an affair, or is she upset that she cannot talk to him. Argh, so much to process.

P.S., Never would I have thought that strangers would be so willing to give advice on these matters. Thank you folks. I needed some comfort right now for sure.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> I have been thinking about marriage counseling actually. I just always feel like that is were marriages go to slowly die. I have not heard of anyone who has had success with that. Honestly, I love my wife so much that I feel blind. This pulled of the blindfold, and what I saw was horrible. She does seem remorseful, but I am not sure if it is for me or her. Is she upset she had an affair, or is she upset that she cannot talk to him. Argh, so much to process.
> 
> P.S., Never would I have thought that strangers would be so willing to give advice on these matters. Thank you folks. I needed some comfort right now for sure.


This is because you are us, we know your pain. We are sorry you had to come, but glad you found us.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

Heck, I feel like even have her post on here so that she can see the other side of the story from anonymous parties. Almost like e-therapy.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> This is because you are us, we know your pain. We are sorry you had to come, but glad you found us.


 Thank you for that Matt. Nice to hear.


----------



## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

"My wife has only ever been with 2 men in her life, myself 4."

So you've been with 4 men... And she's ok with that, right?


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I would do everything I could to double check every thing she did/said. This is your best medicine over time to get over the doubts and begin to feel trustful again.

Trusting someone takes a leap of faith. This is especially true when it is your spouse after an affair or inappropriate contact. We stood with our spouses and took that leap of faith when we got married and we have to do it again, oh the pain, if we are going to stick around and work it out.

MC could only do good and I suggest you both work it if you can. Be honest, communicate and take the leap. If it works out, it will be worth it. If it doesn't, at least you tried.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Married-Man said:


> "My wife has only ever been with 2 men in her life, myself 4."
> 
> So you've been with 4 men... And she's ok with that, right?




:slap::rofl:


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

Married-Man said:


> "My wife has only ever been with 2 men in her life, myself 4."
> 
> So you've been with 4 men... And she's ok with that, right?


Sorry lol. No I have been intimate with 4 women, sexually active with 3. Sorry for the lack of clarification.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

sad...she sounds like she's given you transparency and that's really all you can work with. Make sure you get into MC and work on this stuff. It's such a simple thing, this communication, but it can be so f'ng difficult at the same time.

TALK about the fantasies. You don't have to ACT on them. Most times the fantasy doesn't gel the way it seems like it should in real life. That's just the reality. 

Good luck, man.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She may find it too hard not to talk to him. If she talked to him in the car, you may want to get a VAR to see if they get burner phones.

the standard reponse here is to warn the OM's wife so that both of you can watch the gates at your end.

These emotional affairs, especially with ssexting, are very hard to break up, just as hard or harder if it has gone physical.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> The part I have a hard time with is that she stated "*it is going to be hard to stop talking to him,* but I will for us". I understand that she is willing to do this to save our marriage, but it hurts that she is going to miss it. She did state that she thought that it was getting a little out of hand, and she was going to put a stop to it. But I did instead. It is just hard. There is no other way to put it.


I'm no expert, but she really enjoys the dirty talk she received from him. If she was doing it for so long do you think she could turn it off so quickly and not "go underground" with it.

She said that she wanted to swing. Does this indicate to you and others that the texting was a way of loosening the bonds a little feeling out other possibilities unknown to you ?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> Thank you for the book ideas; I will definitely get on top of those.
> 
> As for the verification, she forwarded me the email that he sent to her asking if she was okay after she told him we fought about it. I also have full access to her text message records via our provider. As for Facebook, she has told me that she would provide me with all her user names and passwords for all the various sites she uses. The transparency would help a bit. I cannot monitor her work email, or them talking face to face. I did actually speak to the man on the phone, and told him not to contact my wife. He stated that it was no problem, he understood. I find that very hard to believe. My wife says that she did not realize he was making advances to her until I read them aloud to her; they seems difficult to believe as well. I do not know if there are other men, but I have a strong feeling there is not. I did have a weird feeling for the last couple weeks that something was off. I confronted her, and she told me the whole thing.


This type of thing is like a drug. She loves getting that validation from another man about how sexy she still is and she loves feeling desired by someone other than you. She is infatuated with this other guy, they are in that beginning part of a relationship where they have butterflies in the stomach. She may be mistaking this infatuation for love.

If she continues to work with him, the contact WILL resume. It will be too easy for her to take it "underground" and hide it from you using work email/cell phones. It WILL escalate into a physical affair.

Get a voice-activated recorder and some heavy duty velcro, and velcro it under the seat of her car. This might help you find out sooner when they resume contact.

Try to get her to promise you that if you find out that she has resumed contact, that she will leave the job. See if you can get her to agree to it in writing. She says she has no reason to interact with him (other than socially) on the job, they work in different departments on different floors with slightly different schedules, so any contact will be a reason for her to leave the job.

Also, tell her she needs to handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. The letter should contain no terms of endearment or niceties. It should state that she feels horribly ashamed of her behavior and she feels terrible for risking her marriage to you, her husband, who means more to her than anything in the world, and that if other man attempts to contact her again, in any way, shape, or form, that she will file harassment charges against him, both with human resources and the police. Then she gives the letter to you to mail.

Also, inform the other man's wife about what is going on. She has the right to know, and she will help you make sure the affair has ended.

Your wife is NOT honest. Hold off on building that statue of her outside the Museum of Honesty just for a little while. She had the other man in her phone under a woman's name. She is not being open and honest with you now. If you think she is, that is just your wishful thinking. She said she would cut contact, but she did not, you had to do it for her. She told you she didn't realize that he was making advances, yet she changed his name to a woman's name on her phone. She should block him on Facebook and email, delete him as a contact on her phone.

You have a good chance to kill this affair now, once and for all. This chance will not last forever. When the affair continues and escalates, killing it will be much, much tougher. Then you will have to expose to your friends and relatives and to human resources to end the affair. Kill it now, while it's still fairly easy and simple.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

The VAR will not work because it was strictly text messaging. I would have for sure if need be. I am afraid to tell the OW because "a woman scorn". That could create some financial issues for myself and my wife.

She did swear that there would be no contact with them again. She swore that if they did speak, she would quit her job. She also did speak to him directly today, and said out loud what the no contact letter would say. I have prepare a ZIP file of all the information the OW would need. I am very tempted, but it just seems like "**** would roll down hill". I have asked her to be more open with me, and it seems as if she is. I feel as though she felt like she couldn't talk to me, but she NEVER gave me that impression.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The VAR in the car couldn't hurt. Worst case, you hear silence. When they do escalate to a physical affair, it very well may be in the car. Or they may use the car to talk with each other during lunch, break, before, or after work. Just because they always just texted in the past, does not mean that is all they will do in the future.

Emotional affairs where the partners have physical access to each other escalate into physical affairs very quickly. Your wife has already lasted longer without escalation than most.

Your situation is not unique, your wife's behavior is not unique, your reaction to your wife's behavior is not unique, and your wife's reaction to being caught and confronted is not unique. We have seen it all before.

We are not burdened with knowing how honest your wife has been in the past, and we are not burdened with seeing how sincere she looked when she was swearing her allegiance to you, we can see her actions for what they are now, not what they've been for the 10 years prior to this, and we know all too well that talk is cheap and that all too frequently the talk is not supported by the actions.

Despite her protestations otherwise, your wife will respect you more for fighting for her and for your marriage than she will for easing up and letting her continue her affair.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> The VAR in the car couldn't hurt. Worst case, you hear silence. *When they do escalate to a physical affair*, it very well may be in the car. Or they may use the car to talk with each other during lunch, break, before, or after work. Just because they always just texted in the past, does not mean that is all they will do in the future.
> 
> Emotional affairs where the partners have physical access to each other escalate into physical affairs very quickly. Your wife has already lasted longer without escalation than most.
> 
> ...


You may think I'm being over-the-top ridiculous by assuming that your wife will continue the affair and that it will become physical, I think you are being naive by assuming it will not.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you everyone for being so forward. It is nice to hear the honest truth. I will definitely be keeping a watchful I on her. Our trust has gone down the toilet because of this. My faith in her not doing something that I do not appreciate has been removed completely. She will have to build that trust again. We are talking about it openly, and she just states that it's over. She is very worn down by all this arguing, and so am I. But, on the other hand, I feel like this is the ONLY way I will work through it. But don't worry, bills will be monitored, social media will be checked, and emails reviewed. I hate to say this, but I do not want to live my life in fear; always paranoid about her every action. It sucks, but if that is what it takes.

And maybe her seeing how determined I am to keep this from happening again, she may feel like it will bring us closer. Hell, who knows. I will definitely have to think about ways to keep further eye on her. I plan on warning her that I am going to be doing that too. I want her to know that I am watching, and waiting.

But when does the spying and distrust stop?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> The VAR will not work because it was strictly text messaging.


What generally happens is that if one method of communication is found, then another one is substituted. For example, my husband used a secret email account. When I discovered it (he accidentally left it open on our home computer), then he switched to texting and calling. So your wife used texting--well, there are any number of other options. 

Secret email account, facebook, skyping, other forms of messaging services on her phone that use data rather than the wireless carrier's texting service. (You can't be sure you have all of her computer accounts unless you have control over the computer. That is where a keylogger comes in.) Prepaid phones work when your spouse has an eye on your "real" cell. Think she would never use one? You can buy one at any corner drug store--and many other spouses thought exactly the same thing. 




> She did swear that there would be no contact with them again. She swore that if they did speak, she would quit her job. *She also did speak to him directly today, and said out loud what the no contact letter would say*. I have prepare a ZIP file of all the information the OW would need. I am very tempted, but it just seems like "**** would roll down hill". I have asked her to be more open with me, and it seems as if she is. I feel as though she felt like she couldn't talk to me, but she NEVER gave me that impression.


Did she read the no contact letter to him in your presence? Sorry, I found that sentence very odd.

I just want to tell you, that when people have children, a favorite thing for _countless_ cheaters to say is "I swear on our children's lives" or "I swear on my mother's soul," or "I swear on a stack of Bibles." In every instance where 'swearing' was used, and taken seriously by the loyal spouse, it has turned out that the cheater was lying. I am not saying your wife is lying--we are just trying to give you what the cold probabilities show statistically so you can act accordingly.

You should be EXTREMELY concerned by her one very honest statement, about how hard ending contact would be. It is truthfully extremely hard. Please understand this is not about you or whether you are a good husband or attractive, etc. This is about a compulsive habit that has physiologically changed her brain, giving her a 'hit' when he smiles at her across the room. I suppose some people might have more additicve personalities than others and would find this harder to end than most. But her situation is the NORM for this sort of thing. Dead center plain vanilla.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> The VAR will not work because it was strictly text messaging. I would have for sure if need be. I am afraid to tell the OW because "a woman scorn". That could create some financial issues for myself and my wife.
> 
> She did swear that there would be no contact with them again. She swore that if they did speak, she would quit her job. *She also did speak to him directly today, and said out loud what the no contact letter would say. * I have prepare a ZIP file of all the information the OW would need. I am very tempted, but it just seems like "**** would roll down hill". I have asked her to be more open with me, and it seems as if she is. I feel as though she felt like she couldn't talk to me, but she NEVER gave me that impression.


Did you see or hear the message? If not, how do you know, not only what was said, but the tone in which it was said, and what other things were expressed between the two of them?

Also, there is something about HANDWRITING the letter and sending it via CERTIFIED MAIL that is psychologically significant to the cheating spouse and, to the affair partner, there is something emotionally significant about receiving a HANDWRITTEN letter that is cold, formal, and threatening consequences if contact resumes that is not matched by verbal or even typed correspondence. It is like an act of contrition for the cheating spouse, and the cheater's willingness (or lack thereof) to agree to write it is indicative of the cheater's true remorse and willingness to end the affair.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> Thank you everyone for being so forward. It is nice to hear the honest truth. I will definitely be keeping a watchful I on her. Our trust has gone down the toilet because of this. My faith in her not doing something that I do not appreciate has been removed completely. She will have to build that trust again. We are talking about it openly, and she just states that it's over. She is very worn down by all this arguing, and so am I. But, on the other hand, I feel like this is the ONLY way I will work through it. But don't worry, bills will be monitored, social media will be checked, and emails reviewed. I hate to say this, but I do not want to live my life in fear; always paranoid about her every action. It sucks, but if that is what it takes.
> 
> And maybe her seeing how determined I am to keep this from happening again, she may feel like it will bring us closer. Hell, who knows. I will definitely have to think about ways to keep further eye on her. I plan on warning her that I am going to be doing that too. I want her to know that I am watching, and waiting.
> 
> But when does the spying and distrust stop?


Make sure you let her know that you are doing all of this because you love her. That if you didn't love her, you would just walk away.

The spying and distrust will stop when you have checked many times in many places and continue to find nothing amiss, and she is acting like her "normal" self. The longer you go without finding anything, the less you will be checking, until one day you will not remember the last time you checked. You should never give up transparency though. There is no reason a husband and wife should not have access to each other's devices and accounts, even if they very rarely look.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes, as Will Kane says, playing jailer to your spouse gets old fast. This is not a permanent solution. If your wife is truly loyal to you, eventually you will find the need to check less and less until you beging to forget to do it entirely.

You are in a pickle, however, with her job. You can never be sure that they don't meet for lunch or in a closet, or what have you. Again, this is not to be hurtful to you, it's just that after reading hundreds of stories such as yours, the patterns painfully emerge. Everyone's story is different, but she's already conceded how attached she is. Again, that's normal, but she's given you a gift of insight into how these compulsions function, not just for her, but for everyone.

wrsteele1's case is a recent cautionary tale. His wife was meeting the OM in the parking garage, and carrying on a physical affair in her car. The idea would never occur to your average faithful spouse. That's because YOU would never do that to her. But as you can see, although you thought she had the same views on boundaries in marriage as you do, the truth is, she did not.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I just want to tell you, that when people have children, a favorite thing for _countless_ cheaters to say is "I swear on our children's lives" or "I swear on my mother's soul," or "I swear on a stack of Bibles." *In every instance where 'swearing' was used, and taken seriously by the loyal spouse, it has turned out that the cheater was lying*.


This is absolutely true. Check out some of the other threads here. Every single time a cheater "*swears*" they will do something (end the affair, cease contact, etc.), it turns out that they were lying. The more "swearing" they do, the bigger the lies.


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

I was lucky to uncover the text messaging issue after about a month. If it wasn't an emotional affair yet I would say it was on the cusp. For this to have been going on for five months without it going any further is either very lucky or you need to keep your eyes wide open.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

sadinflorida said:


> Thank you everyone for being so forward. It is nice to hear the honest truth. I will definitely be keeping a watchful I on her. Our trust has gone down the toilet because of this. My faith in her not doing something that I do not appreciate has been removed completely. She will have to build that trust again. We are talking about it openly, and she just states that it's over. She is very worn down by all this arguing, and so am I. But, on the other hand, I feel like this is the ONLY way I will work through it. But don't worry, bills will be monitored, social media will be checked, and emails reviewed. I hate to say this, but I do not want to live my life in fear; always paranoid about her every action. It sucks, but if that is what it takes.
> 
> And maybe her seeing how determined I am to keep this from happening again, she may feel like it will bring us closer. Hell, who knows. I will definitely have to think about ways to keep further eye on her. I plan on warning her that I am going to be doing that too. I want her to know that I am watching, and waiting.
> 
> But when does the spying and distrust stop?


No, No, No. Do not tell her you will be watching and what you will be checking. "OK Hon, I will be watching your FB, email, text, and computer to make sure you don't contact him. So if you are going to contact him be sure to use other methods that I am not watching". 

VAR the car. They know you have access to text and email. They could start conversations on the way to work and back home. Lots of affair talk takes place in the car. Just because they did not make a habit of talking does not mean they will not do so.

Keylogger on the computer. She could create a new email or Facebook account easily. A keylogger will show this and any IDs and passwords so you can get a look.

GPS her car. You will be able to see if she goes where she says she is going.

If you are going to watch for awhile then do it the right way. Of course this does not cover all the ways they could communicate. They could be going to lunch together. 

It is not uncommon for affairs to go underground once the affair and the method of communication is discovered. It is also very common for a wife to say exactly what your wife said to you. I remember one wife who sent a no contact email at her husband's insistence. Then 10 minutes later she sent a text message to the OM professing her love for him and telling him that her husband made her send the NC email and they would have to be very careful not to use email anymore.

I hope she is telling you the truth. But remember the old saying "Trust but verify". It takes on a whole new meaning when applied to affairs.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Sad,

You know what concerns me more that her EA, the fact that she wants to bang OM or have a threesome.

Your wife is thinking that she missed out on something because she married early.

She really need counselling for her EA and her thoughts about swinging/threesome.

It would be shame to see her act on this and really get into trouble.

HM64


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Hey sad, just remember that she could buy a cheap phone and text or contact him and you'd never know. Another thing, do not tell her again how you found out or what you will be monitoring. Lastly, she knows you love her and will do anything to keep her. She needs to understand what she will risk losing if she does this again. Or if it escalates. You and she both need to know what will happen. Work up a plan and stick to it. She needs to know you mean business. She needs to know you love her but if she does this again your life will go on without her.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Sad are you really that naive----do you really think they can't hook up at work, if they want to---breaks, lunch, inter--office contact

If you are serious about your mge, then your wife leaves THAT job, or if the company has another building somewhere else, she transfers

You better believe if she is into this guy---they will meet face to face---you don't know that they are not already----

Your wife also has some tendencies with her wanting sex with men, that you need to deal with---this kind of stuff is on her mind---and you better deal with it now, and deal with it hard---do not be nice about this kind of goings on---cuz if she pulls the trigger with another man---you have no idea of the nuclear winter that will surround you for the rest of your life

1st things 1st---she leaves her job, or transfers---cuz my next question to you is --is the money she makes more important than YOUR mge/self respect/dignity/peace of mind/carefree enjoyment of life---these will end if you don't reign her in RIGHT NOW.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She doesn't sound like a one-man woman and I don't think she's made for monogamy.
She likes the idea of being a swinger and she also admitted that it was going to be hard for her to detach from the OM.
Just like JnJ said, they can hook up/talk at work so you won't ever know when/how they contact each other as long as she doesn't leave that job. 

You are easily trusting her and she will easily break your trust again.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

sadinflorida said:


> But, on the other hand, they are not even in the same department. There is no reason for them to even pass each other in the hallway. Two different departments, different floors, and slightly different schedules.


This doesn't really mean much since they initially found a way to meet and form a strong enough bond that they felt comfortable exchanging sexually charged texts.How did they meet and form a relationship if as you say their work contact is so very minimal? Seems to me in this case someone would have to be overtly pursuing.Either your wife or the OM.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

I am still very unsure of how the progressed to a relationship like this. That detail she cannot remember, allegedly. We had another talk last night. I gave her explicit detail on how I felt, including a journal entry I made of the situation. I have kept a journal for some time now to have a place to vent and unload in private. We discussed various things about this situation, and her fantasy of sleeping with another man. She made it clear that she wouldn't do that because she couldn't stand for me to do it. Odviously that could be remedied of she just did it behind my back. She informed the other man yesterday that I had a log of all their texts, and a phone log. I feel like that spoked him enough to stay away for now. My honest fear is since she is inexperienced, and she is interested in swinging, that she will just fulfill that fantasy without my knowledge. I am not stupid, just blinded by my love for her. Today I decided to pull the blindfold off, and take everything at face value. 
For her to transferred would be next to impossible, and this field is very small. She would not be able to find another job for quite some time, if at all. She also told me recently that she has a feeling she may be pregnant. We have not been practicing safe sex for the last couple weeks, so this is very possible. This has added a strain to this whole thing. She is not for sure she is pregnant, just a "woman's feeling". I am starting school in a couple weeks, so I am sure that will add stress to the situation. 
Bottom line: I find it incredibly hard to believe that she will not try and make contact with him. I think the thrill of this secret guy gave he a rush. There is a possibility that it could go further, but I want to believe her. Unfortunately this really hurt. She did say she felt like I was mildly over reacting because nothing really happened; a response I expected. She said that she would do anything to keep our relationship happy and monogamous. While I should take this with a grain of salt, I also have to try and believe her. At this point, I feel like there is a large possibility that they could take it further. With all these variables, and the job restriction, I do not know where to go. I do have the ability to track her, and review all her text messages. She also said she would provide all accounts and their passwords. That's not to say she doesn't have a secret account. With all this doubt, how can I rebuild this to it's once splendor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sadinflorida said:


> The VAR will not work because it was strictly text messaging. I would have for sure if need be. I am afraid to tell the OW because "a woman scorn". That could create some financial issues for myself and my wife.
> 
> She did swear that there would be no contact with them again. She swore that if they did speak, she would quit her job. She also did speak to him directly today, and said out loud what the no contact letter would say. I have prepare a ZIP file of all the information the OW would need. I am very tempted, but it just seems like "**** would roll down hill". I have asked her to be more open with me, and it seems as if she is. I feel as though she felt like she couldn't talk to me, but she NEVER gave me that impression.


Cheaters, in general, will lie , blieve it or not , on their babies lives. They can't help it. Besides the texting, all you know is what she told you. If you want to save your marriage you have to jump on this with both feet as soon as possible.

Go to a cheaters website and learn how they think.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> Hey Sad,
> 
> You know what concerns me more that her EA, the fact that she wants to bang OM or have a threesome.
> 
> ...


I agree, there's a huge underlining issue here. You might nip this A in the bud now but odds are there will be either others in the future or she will just eventually leave to go “find herself”.

She has the itch now and her giving up the OM doesn’t mean she has changed her mind about being with other men and there may not be anything you can do about it. This may be the first sign of the beginning of the end of the M (which could still be 5-10 years from now). When women hit their 30s many become more sexual active and I have seen many a D occur not long after the woman hits 30. I have a bad feeling this on the road to becoming another statistic.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Cheaters, in general, will lie , blieve it or not , on their babies lives. They can't help it. Besides the texting, all you know is what she told you. If you want to save your marriage you have to jump on this with both feet as soon as possible.
> 
> Go to a cheaters website and learn how they think.


I was actually able to read all the text messages. They were 85 percent bull****ing, and 15 incenuating. I don't know. She is telling me that she can't handle how upset I am. She said I overreacting. She feels like I am accusing her of murder. I feel like it is going to murder our marriage. I want to salvage it 100%, but it is going to be rough. They comments to each other seemed to be sexually charged, but general statements; not directed to each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> I am still very unsure of how the progressed to a relationship like this. That detail she cannot remember, allegedly. We had another talk last night. I gave her explicit detail on how I felt, including a journal entry I made of the situation. I have kept a journal for some time now to have a place to vent and unload in private. We discussed various things about this situation, and her fantasy of sleeping with another man. She made it clear that she wouldn't do that because she couldn't stand for me to do it. Odviously that could be remedied of she just did it behind my back. She informed the other man yesterday that I had a log of all their texts, and a phone log. I feel like that spoked him enough to stay away for now. My honest fear is since she is inexperienced, and she is interested in swinging, that she will just fulfill that fantasy without my knowledge. I am not stupid, just blinded by my love for her. Today I decided to pull the blindfold off, and take everything at face value.
> For her to transferred would be next to impossible, and this field is very small. She would not be able to find another job for quite some time, if at all. *She also told me recently that she has a feeling she may be pregnant. We have not been practicing safe sex for the last couple weeks, so this is very possible.* This has added a strain to this whole thing. She is not for sure she is pregnant, just a "woman's feeling". I am starting school in a couple weeks, so I am sure that will add stress to the situation.
> Bottom line: I find it incredibly hard to believe that she will not try and make contact with him. I think the thrill of this secret guy gave he a rush. There is a possibility that it could go further, but I want to believe her. Unfortunately this really hurt. She did say she felt like I was mildly over reacting because nothing really happened; a response I expected. She said that she would do anything to keep our relationship happy and monogamous. While I should take this with a grain of salt, I also have to try and believe her. At this point, I feel like there is a large possibility that they could take it further. With all these variables, and the job restriction, I do not know where to go. I do have the ability to track her, and review all her text messages. She also said she would provide all accounts and their passwords. That's not to say she doesn't have a secret account. With all this doubt, how can I rebuild this to it's once splendor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate the fact that I'm posting this thought, but I'm going to throw it out there for you to think about (apologies in advance!). You need to seriously think about and figure out if this affair hasn't gone physical - or she was in a physical affair and it is winding down except...she might be pregnant? With all of the EA texting and things going on, why of a sudden do the two of you start having unprotected sex so recently? Was it her idea for you to ditch the BC?


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I hate the fact that I'm posting this thought, but I'm going to throw it out there for you to think about (apologies in advance!). You need to seriously think about and figure out if this affair hasn't gone physical - or she was in a physical affair and it is winding down except...she might be pregnant? With all of the EA texting and things going on, why of a sudden do the two of you start having unprotected sex so recently? Was it her idea for you to ditch the BC?


:iagree:


UGH! Bringing a child into a strong marriage can strain it. Bringing one into a strained marriage will break it 99 times out of 100.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

sadinflorida said:


> . She is telling me that she can't handle how upset I am. She said I overreacting. She feels like I am accusing her of murder. I feel like it is going to murder our marriage. I want to salvage it 100%, but it is going to be rough. They comments to each other seemed to be sexually charged, but general statements; not directed to each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not over reacting.

Simply put: Married women who are loyal to their marriage DO NOT engage in sexual talk with other men. 

Not any.

The reasons are that sexual talk is intended entirely to stimulate and excite. It's not a clinical discussion about A or B, it's members of the opposite sex trying to impress and excite the other.

The thing that is disturbing here is that she isn't respecting your quite reasonable feelings here. I don't mean she isn't saying she'll stop - what I mean is she isn't seeing your point as valid and listening to it and acknowledging that you point is valid.

She's minimizing her cross of boundaries and of her disloyalty to the you. 

And that makes me worried that she will simply find a more secret way to have this contact.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

She has never been on birth control, and we have less cautious because we were at the point that we wanted another child. We weren't trying; we were jut willing. If it happened, it was a blessing kind of situation. I agree completely about the sexual talk; totally out of line. She is saying that I am just making her feel so bad that she is having a breakdown at work. Her boss approached her today that she was looking pretty rough. I hate to say this, but if I hound her too long, I'm afraid I'll lose her. Some much to take in at once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Sad, she thinks you are over reacting because that allows her to rationalize and minimize her actions. That's where marriage counseling might help. As to how long it takes to re-establish trust, well that's different for everyone, but for a lot of us it takes a looong time and a lot of work. If she just wishes this matter away, that will never happen. Once again, a skilled therapist might help. I didn't believe that until I was much older than you are. I have wondered how my life would have been had we faced the issues in our relationship early on. Just food for thought.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

I think the counseling may be our only option. She seems overwhelmed with my harshness, so an intermediary may be good. Other than that, not sure what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> I am still very unsure of how the progressed to a relationship like this. That detail she cannot remember, allegedly. We had another talk last night. I gave her explicit detail on how I felt, including a journal entry I made of the situation. I have kept a journal for some time now to have a place to vent and unload in private. We discussed various things about this situation, *and her fantasy of sleeping with another man*. She made it clear that she wouldn't do that because she couldn't stand for me to do it. Odviously that could be remedied of she just did it behind my back. She informed the other man yesterday that I had a log of all their texts, and a phone log. I feel like that spoked him enough to stay away for now. My honest fear is since she is inexperienced,* and she is interested in swinging*, that *she will just fulfill that fantasy* without my knowledge. I am not stupid, just blinded by my love for her. Today I decided to pull the blindfold off, and take everything at face value.
> For her to transferred would be next to impossible, and this field is very small. She would not be able to find another job for quite some time, if at all. She also told me recently that she has a feeling she may be pregnant. We have not been practicing safe sex for the last couple weeks, so this is very possible. This has added a strain to this whole thing. She is not for sure she is pregnant, just a "woman's feeling". I am starting school in a couple weeks, so I am sure that will add stress to the situation.
> Bottom line:* I find it incredibly hard to believe that she will not try and make contact with him*. I think the thrill of this secret guy gave he a rush. There is a possibility that it could go further, but I want to believe her. Unfortunately this really hurt. She did say she felt like I was mildly over reacting because nothing really happened; a response I expected. *She said that she would do anything* *to keep our relationship happy and monogamous*. While I should take this with a grain of salt, I also have to try and believe her. At this point, I feel like there is a large possibility that they could take it further. With all these variables, and the job restriction, I do not know where to go. I do have the ability to track her, and review all her text messages. She also said she would provide all accounts and their passwords. That's not to say she doesn't have a secret account. With all this doubt, how can I rebuild this to it's once splendor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You already have all the answers you are looking for.
You know how she feels deep down inside and you already know that it's hard for her to remain monogamous. 
She's just trying but it's a matter of time until she becomes polygamous. No matte how much she tries to please you, *you know she's different. *

Sooner or later she will have to make her fantasies become reality. And the truth is that her fantasies don't match with yours.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> She seems overwhelmed with my harshness,


That's a red flag and not a good point. 
She thinks you're being harsh. While I think you should be harsher because you know a married woman should not be behaving like she has already.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

This EA was fast track to a PA. Your WW must leave this job. 100% NC with OM for the rest of her life.

Also the OMW must be told.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I hate the fact that I'm posting this thought, but I'm going to throw it out there for you to think about (apologies in advance!). You need to seriously think about and figure out if this affair hasn't gone physical - or she was in a physical affair and it is winding down except...she might be pregnant? *With all of the EA texting and things going on, why of a sudden do the two of you start having unprotected sex so recently? Was it her idea for you to ditch the BC?*




I'm a bit slow today. Are you suggesting that she had un safe sex with the OM, thought that she may be pregnant, and coveried her bases by having unsafe sex with H?

I thought you were


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Malaise said:


> [/B]
> 
> I'm a bit slow today. Are you suggesting that she had un safe sex with the OM, thought that she may be pregnant, and coveried her bases by having unsafe sex with H?
> 
> I thought you were


The thought crossed my mind.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

sadinflorida said:


> She has never been on birth control, and we have less cautious because we were at the point that we wanted another child. We weren't trying; we were jut willing. If it happened, it was a blessing kind of situation. I agree completely about the sexual talk; totally out of line. She is saying that I am just making her feel so bad that she is having a breakdown at work. Her boss approached her today that she was looking pretty rough. I hate to say this, but if I hound her too long, I'm afraid I'll lose her. Some much to take in at once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is trying to guilt you into not dealing with this affair. Has she even admitted that it was an EA? She is blaming you for making HER feel bad - really. She did this to herself and you and the marriage. It is all about her and how she feels and she does not consider how terrible it makes you feel to find out that your wife has been talking to another man about her sexual fantasies and preferences. Entitled and selfish.

Marriage counseling ASAP. Your marriage is going down in a hurry if she can't feel any empathy for you, how you are feeling, and thinks you are over reacting to what SHE did.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The thought crossed my mind.


The thought crossed a lot of minds. Now OP has to wonder if the child is his. With his wife's self-admitted interest in having sex with other men it is a valid reason to worry.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> Her boss approached her today that she was looking pretty rough.* I hate to say this, but if I hound her too long, I'm afraid I'll lose her.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sad, you're going to lose her if you don't hound her. She's looking rough - not because you're hounding her - but because she's possibly grieving the loss of the OM.

She's only thirty and she thinks that she has missed out on having sex with other men. Can she last another fifty years with just you as her partner. I agree with Happyman that she needs some serious counseling to get past this desire to sleep with other men.

Yikes!


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> The thought crossed a lot of minds. Now OP has to wonder if the child is his. With his wife's self-admitted interest in having sex with other men it is a valid reason to worry.


I just re-read OP's first post and I'm seriously concerned that the so-called EA went physical. She volunteered the information about the inappropriate texting. This is all conjecture on my part, but I think she's admitting to a lesser crime.

If I was a betting man, I would say that the wife is pregnant with the OM's child. (But I could be wrong.)


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I just re-read OP's first post and I'm seriously concerned that the so-called EA went physical. She volunteered the information about the inappropriate texting. This is all conjecture on my part, but I think she's admitting to a lesser crime.
> 
> If I was a betting man, I would say that the wife is pregnant with the OM's child. (But I could be wrong.)


Yeah - that would be on-script for cheaters. 
Married young - wondering if she missed out on being a ****.
Decides she did and begins EA/PA with OM.
OOPS - pregnant.
What to do now? OM is married with a young child - he is not going to help. 
That leaves her back-up plan, SF, to con into raising her child.
So she admits to the inappropriate texting and promises to stop.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> I think the counseling may be our only option. She seems overwhelmed with my harshness, so an intermediary may be good. Other than that, not sure what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sad, if you go the counseling route, get a marriage counselor experienced with infidelity. I bet you're saying to yourself, I thought that's what it MEANT to be an MC, but unfortunately, your average MC may know even less about infidelity than a person off the street.

The book I believe I mentioned, Not Just Friends, will help you out with vetting marriage counselors. Just ask them if they're familiar with the work of Shirley Glass and if they own her book.

I live in a large metro area and we found our excellent marriage counselor by getting a referral from local porn / sex addiction therapists. My husband is neither but these therapists are very familiar with, shall we say, hard-to-break sexually oriented habits, and by extension, infidelity. So ask them to give you a list of their best marriage counselors.

Not Just Friends will also guide you in better expressing HOW YOU FEEL about all of this when talking with your wife. But as others said, an MC will be telling her in no uncertain terms that this is a very big deal and she better start understanding that quickly as she is inflicting further significant damage on the marriage every time she gives you that attitude.

---------------------

I am also extremely concerned about the unprotected sex situation. It was her idea, of course?


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

The unnerving part of this whole situation is that she has been very open about wanting to have sex with other men, and now, if he had a PA with this guy, and feared either (a) pregnancy or (b) eventually getting caught, this is exactly the type of script a person would follow to get past it. 

Sorry, but given what you've revealed about yourself, just have to say that this will probably continue to eat at you, knowing that your wife cannot share in the vision of a marriage where two people only want each other. She has to want that in order to have the strength to make it through that temptation, and all the ones that will follow. At the end of the day, this is much more than her having a sexual fantasy. Her driver for saying that she will stay faithful is because she doesn't want you to be with another woman. Where do you fit in among the things she really cherishes and yearns for, as a wife?


----------



## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> The thought crossed a lot of minds. Now OP has to wonder if the child is his. With his wife's self-admitted interest in having sex with other men it is a valid reason to worry.


This :lol:

The timing of this possible pregnancy and the revelation of an "EA" with a coworker is suspicious to say the least.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

I definitely never thought about the chance of her pregnant with another mans child. I felt like my wife was misguided, but now I feel that was not the case. She lied to me, and may continue. I feel like telling the other wife, but I don't know. I feel like it would get my wife fired somehow too. So many pieces involved. She has been into a lot of romance novels, and I'm sure that helped fuel it. Goddamn Fifty Shades lol. She did tell me there were times their conversations made her horny, and she would sex from me. The question is: what if wasn't there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Sad, don't let her put this back on you. Next time she says that you're overreacting, tell her (in an even tone) that her minimizing things proves that this was a completely inappropriate situation, that, if anything, you haven't reacted enough and that her not taking how you feel into account hurts you deeply.

Do not rug sweep this and don't let her do it, either.

As for when you get to trust her again... she can only become trustworthy by BEING trustworthy.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I just re-read OP's first post and I'm seriously concerned that the so-called EA went physical. She volunteered the information about the inappropriate texting. This is all conjecture on my part, but I think she's admitting to a lesser crime.
> 
> If I was a betting man, I would say that the wife is pregnant with the OM's child. (But I could be wrong.)


:iagree:

I was going to say the very same thing. Sad, I know you've already got a full emotional plate but you you need to think with you mind right now not your heart. *IF *in fact she is pregnant, *GET A PATERNITY TEST DONE*. If you so decide this can even be done before she gives birth. If it's yours great, if not... then what? You will be considered by the law to be the presumptive father whether or not you are the bio-dad. You may be happy raising another man's child. You may not. But you need to think long and hard about this contingency. 

I completely agree with CoMC above. She is copping a plea to a lesser crime so you'll stop digging.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> She has been into a lot of romance novels, and I'm sure that helped fuel it. Goddamn Fifty Shades lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd also include soap operas. My ex faithfully watched 'The Young and the Restless' all throughout our almost 19-year marriage. In fact, she was one of the happiest persons alive when DVRs came out because now she didn't have to mess with those pesky VHS tapes.

Anyway, every now and then I'd sit down and watch an episode with her and be shocked that Phylis had divorced Jack to marry Nick and now she was back with Jack. I think this contributed to her warped sense of what marriage should be.

(I'm ashamed to even admit that I know the characters names.)


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

sadinflorida said:


> She did tell me there were times their conversations made her horny, and she would sex from me. The question is: what if wasn't there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And now she's pregnant....


Don't sweep this under the rug. Listen to TAM. We can only make educated guesses based on the information you provide. You need to dig deeper... if you so desire. 

Either way you could just raise the child as yours and not give it a second thought. Many men do.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> I definitely never thought about the chance of her pregnant with another mans child. I felt like my wife was misguided, but now I feel that was not the case. She lied to me, and may continue. I feel like telling the other wife, but I don't know. I feel like it would get my wife fired somehow too. So many pieces involved. She has been into a lot of romance novels, and I'm sure that helped fuel it. Goddamn Fifty Shades lol. She did tell me there were times their conversations made her horny, and she would sex from me. The question is: what if wasn't there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you really afraid to make your wife mad???? If so that would explain why she is fantasizing about an Alpha male.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sad, look at where you are right now.

Your wife just admitted to a at least a five month affair that became "a bit inappropriate". 

Then you retrieve the deleted texts and find out that it was way more that a little inappropriate and that she lied about it. She was discussing sexual likes and positions with this man and you dismiss this because they did not say "I want to do this to you". Are you really that clueless? Do you truly think that it is OK for a married woman to discuss sexual preferences with another man other than her husband?

She is dismissive of your pain and anger. She obviously does not understand how this has hurt you and does not seem to care.

Now she says she may be pregnant!!!!

No one is telling you that this child is definitely OM's.

No one is telling you that she definitely had sex with OM.

We ARE telling you that these things are highly possible given your description of the situation and you really cannot afford to dismiss the possibilities.

I really hope she is telling you the whole truth, but you do need to verify.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Keeping that denial up sad. 

If you want to be possibly fronting the 18 year cash for a child thats not yours then keep this up. 

If you're still married when she has the baby, regardless of who is the father YOU'RE the one picking up the bill. You could divorce a few years down the line, but you'd still be paying to raise another man's child.


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks for all the great advice everyone. On the quote about soap operas, my wife has always been into erotica. That damn Fifty Shades. I really do feel that this contributes to this kind of stuff; makes it "interesting". I have told her my feelings, and she apologizes over and over. She stated that she was not going to be able to move on unless I laid off. I told her flat out that it needed to be said, and she needed to listen. I am sure that this is going to continue as one long fight for weeks to come, but if that is what it takes. But now I almost feel guilty because I have not told the other woman. The OM has been married 12 years, and they have a newborn. I feel he should know, but it is so hard to break news to someone like that. Plus, I really am afraid that her job would get wind, then we are f'ed. So I was wondering if it may be a good idea to reach out to the OM electronically, and confront him with the information that I have. Maybe I would get more information than my wife has told me. He seems incredibly worried that I will tell his wife, and maybe I can use that to my advantage.

It feels crazy to be talking like this, but it all I can do.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You could contact the OM and ask him what happened. Tell him your wife already said the affair went physical and then see what he says.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There is never a good time to find out your spouse is cheating. There are only bad times, and worse times. And the longer it takes for you to find out, the worse it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

sandc said:


> You could contact the OM and ask him what happened. Tell him your wife already said the affair went physical and then see what he says.


I like this approach, but I don't think I am going to say the physical part. Honestly, I am going to tell him that I have the information that I do. Then I will ask him to confess to the relationship and how far it went. As terrible as this is, I will tell him "come clean, or your wife finds out". I still feel that I would tell her, but at least this may give me the upper hand. Feels shady, but that is how this is going to have to work.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You do that electronically and I guarantee that he and your wife will talk and get their story straight.

And for the love of god, if she's pregnant, get a paternity test.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Seriously SAD you're setting yourself up to fail here.

The OM is never in a million years going to just come clean to you especially if they did hookup. He's got too much to loose and nothing to gain.

You want truth, have her take a polygraph?

Or you need to do some bluffing and undercover stuff to find out more.

Heck, text to the OM from her phone " what if I told you I think it's yours?"


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sad, the only thing communicating with an OM gets you is their satisfaction that indeed they can make your spouse happy when you can't. To the very last they are smugger than smug. Don't waste your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

:slap:

Why do newly betrayed spouses always think that their way is better than the people's who have already experienced the pain of infidelity? (I know, I know - it's because THEIR situation is different. Sheesh!)


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :slap:
> 
> Why do newly betrayed spouses always think that their way is better than the people's who have already experienced the pain of infidelity? (I know, I know - it's because THEIR situation is different. Sheesh!)


Because DENIAL. You know people are right, but
your emotions always overrides the intellect.

Sadly


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

But Count, you forget that we are just a bunch of aging, bitter, forsaken people trying to live out vicarious revenge fantasies.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

sadinflorida said:


> I like this approach, but I don't think I am going to say the physical part. Honestly, I am going to tell him that I have the information that I do. Then I will ask him to confess to the relationship and how far it went. As terrible as this is, I will tell him "come clean, or your wife finds out". I still feel that I would tell her, but at least this may give me the upper hand. *Feels shady, but that is how this is going to have to work.*




You're worried that it feels "shady" ?

You owe this guy nothing. Except pain if you chose to . You owe his W the truth, especially if YOUR W is carrying his child.

If she is pregnant you MUST check paternity.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm going to be a bit optimistic here on one point at least. Your wife did lie in keeping this secret and putting the OM number under a girls name.

However, I really think if it had gone physical you would have been able to tell from their texts that she thought were deleted. Reread the texts. I don't think there is any doubt she was getting a thrill out of them, just like her reading erotica.

I think there is a good chance you can work this out and have a better marriage now that you have a better idea what she needs. She talked with you about what she MIGHT like to do and you shot that down. A woman her age is entering her prime sexually and is conciously subcponciously looking to have another child. Thats nature.

Step up your game, take an interest in her fantasise and spice up your sex life and keep it fresh. Can't help you with info on that but you need to read : Married Man Sex Life Primer (everyman should).

This is NOT a sex manual but will explain exactly what is going on in your wifes mind and what you need to do to be her husband and take care of her.

READ this book yesterday.

Calm down on the accusations ans only discuss this under control. Women are attracted to men in control, not one that is needy, whiny, angry etc.etc.

BTW a wife that is not into sex is much more common and thats worse. LOL


----------



## sadinflorida (Aug 15, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I'm going to be a bit optimistic here on one point at least. Your wife did lie in keeping this secret and putting the OM number under a girls name.
> 
> However, I really think if it had gone physical you would have been able to tell from their texts that she thought were deleted. Reread the texts. I don't think there is any doubt she was getting a thrill out of them, just like her reading erotica.
> 
> ...


This hit home with me. I feel like I can relate to this for sure. This is the situation I feel I am in. She agreed to MC, and a paternity test without hesitation. She told me that if he ever had to come fix her computer, she would text me first so I knew. In the last few days, she has told me some very emotional stuff about her youth. I think this was an eye opener. I have DEFINITELY started an interest in her fantasies. I honestly feel like we will come out stronger than ever. Call me naive or whatever, but my wife and I love each other. It was inexcusable, but it happened. We need to put it behind us. If I feel that there is any issue with this, I will end us. If anything REMOTELY similar to this happens again, our marriage is over. The end. So thank you Chap for saying what I was already feeling. I caught it, stopped it, and we need to fix it.

Also, I did actually speak to the man via Facebook. He explained his side (I took that with a grain of salt). He basically said **** got out of hand, and we never meant anything else by it. I told him I had all the records, text, his home address, and his wife's email. I said that if he ever tries to make contact with her again, or vice versa, his wife and the company HR department would be given that information. If that was me (the OM), I am pretty sure that would have scared me off. So that's is where we are at, and I plan to move pass it. Let's just hope that we do.


----------

