# Why do mothers fail to protect their children from abusive fathers?



## endlessgrief

When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? 

The father who dealt out all the abuse (physcial/verbal) or the mother (co-dependant, scared, weak, and never stepped in to stop the abuse?)

In my case, it is my mother. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. To me, that is what a mother does. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. 

One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. The father was sexually molesting the daughter (note: I was never sexually abused) and the mother let it happen because she feared her husband's wrath. The scene where Micky and Mallory kill her parents is like watching porn for me. First they take the father and put his face into the fish tank while beating him about the head with a tire iron. All the while the abused daughter was saying things to the father that he said to her when he was abusing her.

After the father is dead, they climb the stairs to find the mother sleeping. They tie her to the bed with tape and wake her up. Micky pours lighter fluid over the mothers covers and steps back. The daughter, the one who endured all the abuse leans into the mothers face while she lights a ligher and says YOU NEVER DID NOTHIN and sets the ***** ablaze.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Because they're codependent cowards. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too.


----------



## DamagedGoods

My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way.
She then would come to us after the fact and we would have to console HER. I had to hide my anger and pain because I would feel guilty leaning on her. I became the parent, and I still am cried to as she sits alone after his millionth affair he decided to live with for five years.....after 50 years of marriage she still won't divorce him and he still could walk back into her house and she would serve him a meal and beg him to stay- only to have him leave her time and time again.


----------



## isla~mama

Why did my mom never stop my dad? I think about this a lot. I wish I had an answer for you. All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. 

I think she didn't want the public shame of divorce, and my dad's issues were so severe that the only way to protect us would have been to extricate us from the house.


----------



## FirstYearDown

My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years.

Now I realize that he was a victim too, just like his children were.

What you went through was horrendous. 

How do you plan on having a happier life from now on? What does your therapist tell you?


----------



## pidge70

Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'.

Don't judge. We dont' know anyone's situation.


----------



## isla~mama

that_girl said:


> Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'.
> 
> Don't judge. We dont' know anyone's situation.


In my case my mother was never abused, it was only my sibling and me. If anything, she bossed him around mercilessly and he kowtowed. So I find it all the more puzzling that she couldn't find it within herself to stop him.


----------



## endlessgrief

DamagedGoods said:


> My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way.
> She then would come to us after the fact and we would have to console HER. I had to hide my anger and pain because I would feel guilty leaning on her. I became the parent, and I still am cried to as she sits alone after his millionth affair he decided to live with for five years.....after 50 years of marriage she still won't divorce him and he still could walk back into her house and she would serve him a meal and beg him to stay- only to have him leave her time and time again.


After reading your post, some deeply buried memories came out. I too had to console my mother when my father attacked her. I would tell her not to cry and she would always say HONEY, DON'T BE WORRIED THAT I AM CRYIING, BE WORRIED WHEN I NO LONGER CRY.

What is an 8 year old supposed to make of that statement? She said it a lot. But she is still with him. His doormat and slave. Just once I wish she would stand up for herself and for us kids (even though we are kids no longer, he still treats us the same, verbal abuse, name calling, etc.). Well, I made my choice, and she made hers. Nothiing more I can do.


----------



## endlessgrief

isla~mama said:


> Why did my mom never stop my dad? I think about this a lot. I wish I had an answer for you. All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day.
> 
> I think she didn't want the public shame of divorce, and my dad's issues were so severe that the only way to protect us would have been to extricate us from the house.


My mother had TONS of other options. She comes from a huge family and they are all great. My grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncle were wonderful. I found out years later that when my mother got pregnant with me at 17 in 1966, my grandma asked my mother if she would leave my dad and raise me in her house. My grandparents always hated my father and these people hated NO ONE! Do you know how upset I am to know that I could have been raised by my grandparents up at the lake? I feel so jipped. I could have had a great childhood. What a rip off!


----------



## endlessgrief

FirstYearDown said:


> My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years.
> 
> Now I realize that he was a victim too, just like his children were.
> 
> What you went through was horrendous.
> 
> How do you plan on having a happier life from now on? What does your therapist tell you?


Yes, I see now that she was as afraid of that bastard as we kids were. She never participated in any of the beatings or yelling, she just hung back hoping not to get hit with any schrapnel. I know she was young when she had us, but aren't mothers supposed to protect their kids and only themselves? Victim or no, PROTECT THE LITTLE ONES.

My life is okay right now, for other reasons, I try to stay away from my family as much as I can. My shrink said that my father will never change and since I will never change, there is little chance of a relationship which is fine by me. I tried to get my mother to come to counseling with me and just wouldn't do it.


----------



## GreenEyes

I can't even begin to imagine what you all have gone through, I'm sorry  I know that my H had an abusive father, but to what extent I have no idea, he won't talk about it. I feel really guilty for having the relationship that I do with my dad, a very very good relationship, he and my mom are my rocks, even though I know it probably doesn't bother him, I wish he could have a dad like mine and have that relationship.

I LOVE my kids so much that I could not imagine letting that happen. I mean I go toe to toe with my H over things that, in the grand scheme of things, aren't all that bad. I come from a long line of women, on both sides, that made it without men. Everybody's situation is different, but I don't understand how that instinct of being a mother and protecting your kids doesn't kick in when they need it....I would take my H out for the sake of my kids if he was doing them wrong, they are my life!!!


----------



## jad1023

When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason.


----------



## jad

When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse.


----------

