# 23 years- out the window....



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

So here's my story...

We met when we were in our 20's... Started as friends... we both worked in the same shopping centre at different stores. She was way outta my league so to speak, and I knew it, but for some reason she saw something in me. We became casual friends, and I was very attracted to her, but never figured I had a shot with her, and she had just recently broke up with her boyfriend and I didn't wanna be a rebound fling, so I kept a safe but casual distance. 

One day she mentioned that "a bunch of us" were gonna meet up for drinks after work and would I like to join them. Sure! Only thing is, she and I were the only ones that were ever gonna meet up. It was her way of asking me out I guess. I had no idea she was interested in me in a romantic way, but we had a blast, and we went out the next night, and the next and the rest is as they say history.

6 months later we moved in together. I was fairly well established, not wealthy, but comfortable. We lived together for 3 years and then got married. A year later we had our first child, and 2 more followed. We had for the most part a very happy life together. There were the normal highs and lows any long term relationship experiences, but for the most part we were the perfect happy couple with 3 very well rounded children.

Fast forward to 2010. As a bartender she happened to get a rather close knit group of friends either girls she worked with or patrons of the bar... She started staying out later and later and went out more often with them, and we as a result did less "couple things". I didn't think anything of it, because we had a very stable home life and we were very happy together. We still had our "date nights" and a very active sex life and even experimented with a bit of the "swinger" lifestyle. Nothing very dramatic of course... more of a casual experimentation thing, and it was mutually agreed upon and thoroughly talked about all the time between us. 

Then, about 15 months ago, I lost my job through a nasty downsizing at the company I worked for. Timing really sucked, because it happened 5 days before she and I were to take our first ever Caribbean vacation by ourselves (without our 3 children). The vacation was previously paid for, and I had a decent severance coming so we decided not to worry about my employment situation until after our vacay. We had a BLAST! Best vacation ever!

Upon returning home, I rec'd the promise of a new job in the near future, and long before my severance would run out, so we continued living as normal. A few months later though, the job offer disintegrated! The fact that my severance would run out and I couldn't find a new suitable job and still had a family of 5 to support, and a mortgage, weighed heavy on me, and and I fell into a depression of sorts. I didn't feel like socializing, and and stayed home most of the time, when she went out with her buddies. 

We soon drifted apart... she went out more and more often, and stayed out later and later. I don't blame her THAT much, since I was more of a home body anyway, and was not much fun at this stage due to my depression. 

I managed to find new employment JUST before my severance ran out, but it was at a much lower salary than I was used to. It was very tough, and we almost lost our home, but I persevered and we managed to make ends meet... barely. 

The other problem with this new position was the hours were really horrible from what I was used to. I would have to get up at 4:00 most days, and worked usually from 5 a.m. till about 3... and would therefore be burnt out by 9:00 pm. She on the other hand, worked from 11-7, and would usually stick around after work for a few drink with her friend's. 

I should explain that she always had "guy" friends, and I didn't have an issue with that, she has always been faithful, and never tried to cover up the fact that she has male friends as well as female friends. But she had one friend in particular that really bothered me. "Bert" (not his real name) was a single man, older than us by a few years, and a friend of both of ours... he's been to the house a number of times, for BBQ's birthdays, get-togethers etc... and again, I didn't think anything of it. 

That is until one day, last spring she was out, and we were texting each other as we normally did, and she said she was out with her girlfriend "Emily" (not her real name and also a girl I had never met in person or spoke to). I asked her what she was doing, just making conversation and she said "Emily" was having boyfriend problems and they were just chilling at some bar. I'd never heard of the place so I googled it, and found out that the place she SAID she was at on a Tuesday evening, was only open Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights! Strange I thought... so I jumped in the car to investigate. I went to the bar she said she was at, and it was indeed closed. I then drove by her "normal hangouts" and didn't see her car... I drove by "Bert's" house and saw another friend's car there. Again, didn't think anything of it, because those 2 guys hung out all the time. Then I remembered that the other friend was on vacation and that my wife was "keeping an eye on his house", so I drove by that guy's house and saw my wife's car there! 

Anyway, long story short (I know, too late), she lied to me about being out with Emily, lied to me about where she was, and then tried to cover up the fact that she was at Bert's house alone by switching cars with another mutual friend! I was furious! 

She got home at about 1:30 a.m. And I asked her how "Emily" was, and where they had been, and she made up this elaborate story. I then told her the place they said they were at was not even open and she started stuttering and getting angry for me questioning her where abouts. I then called her point blank on it and she finally admitted that she was at Bert's! Her excuse was that she needed to talk to someone about my depression and she couldn't talk to me!

Anyway, she continued to go out and stay out late, and of course I questioned where she was all the time, because she had broken my trust. She now thinks I'm a stalker, because I feel the need to confirm her whereabouts. We often arguing about where she goes and who she's with. She took off on 4 separate occasions last summer for an entire weekend, and has even stayed out all night a few times. I have asked her repeatedly to not behave in such a way, and she always agrees to, but then ends up doing so anyway.

It was the worst summer of my life last year! She said she just needed some "space" to figure things out on her own, and I did my best to give her that space, but I asked her to please not lie to me about where she was. We both talked about separating a number of times (mostly via text messaging- because she said she couldn't talk to me anymore...) The new job added a further strain on our relationship because of the reduced salary, and we both stopped wearing our wedding rings. I have suggested couples counseling NUMEROUS times, but she always shoots down that idea. 

Then, late last October, things turned around for us a bit. I rec'd a call from another company, and they offered me a position at their company at about the same salary as I had before. It was a great job, and something I loved doing, but it was 1 1/2 hours away from our home. We were both OVERJOYED and we talked about how we would be getting our life back! 

Also, in November my aunt died, and as is usually the case, families tend to get closer during times of grief and things were looking up for us. We were back in financial good books, and going out together for dinners & dancing etc and we also got back into a semi decent sex life as well. We both started wearing our wedding rings again. Only problem was, she STILL has this group of friends that she hung with, albeit not every night, but 4-5 times a week anyway and I was excluded from joining her when she hung out with this group of people for some reason. (She says its because I alienated myself from this group, which is I admit partially true...)

Anyway, things were moving along in a semi normal fashion, but at Christmas, she wanted to spend some time on Boxing Day with her friends, (of which Bert is a key member) at Bert's sisters house. She hangs out there a lot actually, pretty much every Friday night... I spent the entire day making our Christmas dinner and she left right after dinner. I asked her not to be late, but of course she was. This sparked another big argument. 

We also had plans to go out for New Years Eve, but those plans fell though at the last minute.... and she ditched me to go out with her friends again. (I think this was her plan all along- she just didn't want me to tag along...) So I spent New Year's eve driving our kids around and she "said" she was at Bert's sister's. I checked, she wasn't... and I found her at another couples house. They live out in the country and she was there with all her bar friends including "Bert". I was devastated! 

We were texting but I didn't let on that I knew where she was... She maintained that she was at Bert's sister's home. At the stroke of midnight, when she usually texts everybody she knows a "Happy New Year" message... I did not get a text... aside from the angry texts we were sending back and forth because I was angry she ditched me, and she just said she needed to be with her friends. I got even more angry and told her I knew she wasn't at Bert's sister's house and all but told her I knew where she was. She knew she got caught in another lie so she just stopped communicating with me. I guess anger got the better of me, and I then did something I'm not proud of... I went home, made a "Pathological Liar" sign on my computer with her picture on it and planted it in her car. I also texted several of our Friends that were at the party: "Tell my Ex-wife Happy New Year for me."

Anyway, she got home at 4:30 am... and this of course sparked another huge argument. The words separation and divorce were tossed around a few times and it wasn't pretty. I stopped wearing my wedding rings again, as did she... 

She SAYS she still loves me, but I have caught her lying to me about her whereabouts at least a half dozen times. She hangs out with "Bert" an awful lot, but mostly in a group with others. She has however been alone at his home a few times as well. 

I travel for work a fair bit and my new job is 1 1/2 hours from home, so we are kind of semi separated already... she pretty much has the house to herself and our 3 teenaged kids all week and I come home weekends. 

Earlier in January, something happened. She had a bit of a breakdown of sorts, got her hours at the bar cut, and I believe our kids may have spoken with her about her behaviour. She came to me and said she had done a lot of sole searching and she wanted to speak to someone about her less than exemplary childhood. She has touched on this subject a few times, but never really dealt with the problem, and she now feels she's having commitment problems NOW as a result of having built up all this anxiety as a child and she just finds it easier to "run and hide" into the comforting non-judgmental happy place with her friends than deal with her emotional turmoil. I promised to help her, and things again got into a semi-normal and happy place for us. 

Last week however the wheels fell off again. She continues to hang out with Bert alot and Bert's sister, and she has a new friend about her age (lets call her "Sylvia"- not her real name) that is a divorcee... Also her other good friend "Sheila" (also not her real name) just kicked her boyfriend out (another long story), so now she has 2 single female friends as a support group so to speak. 

Anyway, she went to Bert's (she said she was with Sylvia, but I have my doubts) last week, and this caused a certain amount of paranoia and anxiety for me. I tried to talk to her about it and all but accused her of lying to me again, and this did not go over well... It sparked another huge argument and we are talking about separation and divorce again!  

She went to Bert's sister's again last night and didn't get home until sometime after 3:00... she's sleeping on the couch... and I am devastated again. 

18 months ago, we were the happiest couple on the planet, WTF happened!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife and Bert are having an affair. You know that. Why ask?

Since no one on Bert's side seems to care, you have no ammo to use by exposing an affair. You can gather evidence through backups of her emails and text messages. You can aso install a keylogger on her computer to track her messages to him if that is the way they communicate.

Try putting your foot down and telling her that Bert needs to be out of her life for good. If she refuses, then you know where her heart lies.

Do the 180 on her and go to an attorney and file for divorce. Let her see what she is about to lose. If your Canadian then you have to wait that stupid year to get a final divorce. Alot can be accomplished in that time but at least you'll be that much more ahead. Can you cite adultery as grounds for divorce in your province? 


The Healing Heart: The 180

What Are Plan A and Plan B?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> So here's my story...
> 
> We met when we were in our 20's... Started as friends... we both worked in the same shopping centre at different stores. She was way outta my league so to speak, and I knew it, but for some reason she saw something in me. We became casual friends, and I was very attracted to her, but never figured I had a shot with her, and she had just recently broke up with her boyfriend and I didn't wanna be a rebound fling, so I kept a safe but casual distance.
> 
> ...


I am quite surprised you have allowed this to go on so long. If you want her out of this guys life tell her it is a deal breaker and make her choose. It does not sound like you are interested in the "open" relationship anymore so I think ultimatums are your only option. I am sorry but I would have had her bags waiting for her on the front porch after the New Years deal. That is so out of bounds. Do you like being perceived as a complete pu$$y?


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## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

Well, for starters, here in Canada, one cannot simply kick his or her spouse out of their own home. We bought this house together and she has legal rights.

Having said this, yes, i have let this go on for too long, but it seems we are talking about legal separation now anyway. We have tried to (well I have) tried to get her to reconcile a number of times, but she just isn't making the effort.

And actually there is no evidence that her and "Bert" are in fact having an affair, at least not a sexual one. I know this guy... and I swear he's asexual. :scratchhead: Either that, or he's done the most amazing job of hiding it known to man. 

And ya, I guess I am kind of a *****... but the heart wants what the heart wants. In spite of everything, I still love her.

I have been doing some research and have discovered what is called an "emotional affair".

http://www.emotionalaffair.org/emotional-affair-signs/

Not sure what my legals rights are... but, I will be contacting a lawyer later this week to find out.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Read up on the 180 link that Bandit posted... and start doing it. 
Maybe she has no fear and thinks you won't put up with it and you are 'done' if she isn't going to respect you any longer.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

do the 180, and let her sink herself,have you documented her coming and going? go see a lawyer and get legal custody of your kids. and for gods sake no more sex with her,before she gives you something you casn't get rid of.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't go out to another man's house until 3AM unless you are having an affair.

Sorry, but she is very much in an affair.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there fellow canadian, 

I think you are fooling yourself you wife is acting like a wayward spouse, they will say whatever they have to get through the moment.
She is having an affair whether you want to believe it or not, A sexual or not, they all make a move sooner or later even out of curiousity.........
You need to have your wife followed or find out what she is doing on her down time...........
put a voice recorder in her car, put a recording device on her phone, the home phone the comp anything she can or will use....
Don't confront her when you know what she is really up to come back here and get some advice first, there is a right way and a wrong way to approach this if you want to stay married.....
we all think it isn't happening that our spouses or people we know don't have it in them to engage in an affair, 55 % of the population has an experience like this, yours is probably text book she is just covering her tracks but she will get sloppy and then you will know what you are up against.
in the meantime stay calm and controlled and don't let her know you are checking or anything is wrong.........
good luck


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