# Advice



## brownhealer (Oct 31, 2019)

I’m 32 , married for 3years. My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

brownhealer said:


> I’m 32 , married for 3years. My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


Do you have kids? How long was your affair? Did you disclose all information to him with a timeline when your EA went into physical? How long was it? Is he your husband's friends or a family friend? Co-worker? Or bar meat? All these and more questions must be answered. 

And you may want to know in advance your going to get flamed, and put to the test if your genuine or looking to rugsweep this affair. If your ready put on your thick skin.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well I just read your intro, you have 2 kids and he has 2 kids, you cheated. Well it not looking good for you. I imagine he's already been down this road and heard this song and dance I give you a 99% chance of no reconciliation. He's heard all the lies already and you were the prize, but you are not anymore. You destroyed any feelings he may have had for you. And guess what it's well deserved. You should have thought about the cost, of your affair before it started. But instead you wanted that itch scratch. Marriage is 50 50 but cheating is 100% you.

And now you will reap your rewards you deserve, what you are displaying a character flaw and it tends to repeat and rear it's ugly head when you think you deserve that itch again.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Married for 3 years and already cheated. Not a good sign.

You say you wanted to throw the relationship away. Why was that?

What has changed that makes you want what you didn't want before?

Are you just in fear of the consequences of your actions?

What ever made you want to cheat and throw away your relationship before, will probably still be the case if you ever did get back together. Maybe not straight away, but the same reasons that led you on this path will eventually reappear. What then?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Why did you cheat? What about the relationship was so wrong you felt justified in cheating and made you admittedly throw away the relationship? I understand you're hurting, but I wonder if you're upset over a nostalgic and idealized memory of the marriage instead of the actual marriage. People usually don't have exit affairs unless they really do want an exit.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Unfortunately you have broken a very basic value, human trust. It is a fragile thing. 
if you got back together it would take a VERY long time and 100% of the work on YOUR part to heal this. 

You will not be treated kindly here, many people have been cheated on and may get very triggered.
But if you are serious about this, you will look past the hurt and try to learn as much as you can on how to attempt reconciliation with your husband.

IF HE WANTS IT.

Its 100% his choice going forward now. 

Be ready to move on and learn some personal lessons in the future so that you dont repeat this mistake. It often involves a character flaw, a sense of entitlement and a keen lack of NOT giving a s**t about what effect your behaviour has on a person who trusted you with their heart.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

brownhealer said:


> I’m 32 , married for 3years. My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


If you care about him at all, you will let him go and let him find someone better. If you actually loved him, you wouldn’t want him to be with you. 

You had your shot. You threw him away. Let him go in peace. You need individual therapy, not couples counselling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

brownhealer said:


> I’m 32 , married for 3years. My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


Why did you want to throw your marriage away?

Well, you got your wish, you threw your marriage away. 

What were you expecting to happen once you threw your marriage away?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderation note:-*
@brownhealer I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity because you are coping with infidelity. Your own infidelity.

Folks, don't be tempted to throw rocks, please.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You could be my STBXW. Only thing I can say to you is that you made your choice, live with it. Let him go. Not to sound harsh but your marriage didn't mean anything to you while you were sleeping around, why does it mean so much now? Because you got caught? Because you are just now realizing what you threw away? The best thing you can do right now is get yourself right.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your first assumption is that he has someone else?

OK, you say you are the cheater.
Was he a cheater-in-waiting?

Did his supposed OP, this other person, exist prior to your cheating....or after?

Is this assumption of yours (him being with someone else) simply rationalizing your behavior by putting the cheat suit back onto him?

Simply put, "I cheated, but he did too?"

Explain this tidbit, por favor.



Lilith-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When most men marry a woman, they think this ownership.

They own your love, your lips, your boobs, your VJ.

When you share anyone of those things with another man, it crushes them.

How you can give back that feeling of sole ownership to your husband, is beyond anything logical.

Your husband's genie is out of the bottle, given to his own devices, he is no longer yours to control.

The genie is now distraught, distorted, it will no longer fit in its original container.
He sees a tainted image of you when he looks at his older marital portrait. 

Whenever he looks at you, he sees your lover atop you.




The Typist I-


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

brownhealer said:


> I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb.


Of *course* you do. Most cheaters do. I say that every day here, it's just common cheater behavior #101.

You didn't cheat to LOSE what you had at home. That's not what cheaters set out to do when they choose to step over the line. You all cheat because you're selfish and want *MORE* than what you've got at home. And you do it thinking you won't get caught and like you OP, some even become arrogant enough to think it's no big loss even if they ARE caught.

Until you're caught.

Then, *suddenly*, that spouse you were SO happy to **** all over and toss to the side is now just the _best_ thing since sliced bread and you must have him back at ALL costs.

Not ONCE have you mentioned how you devastated your husband. Not ONCE have you mentioned the depth of _*his*_ pain or how you crushed _*his*_ dreams by throwing your marriage away. Not ONCE. It's all been about YOU and how YOU'RE losing your spouse and how YOU'RE so empty and unhappy now and how YOUR life has changed for the worse and how YOU want him back again, etc. etc. Poor, poor you! :crying: It's just the All About You show over at your place 24/7, ain't it?

You want marriage advice? Mine would be for you stand back and watch. Watch as your husband *hopefully* gets wise enough to get to his lawyer's office on Monday morning to start the paperwork to divorce you just as FAST as is humanly possible.

That's all I got.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

brownhealer said:


> he is saying he is numb.


That's how I was. There was a couple of months when I had "hysterical bonding" - but there came a day in which that was all over, and the "numb" began. 



brownhealer said:


> I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling.


I cannot tell you how to save your marriage. However, I can clearly tell you how to break it forever, with absolutely no chance of recovery......

In my case, it wasn't the affairs themselves which ruined the marriage. It was the blame-shifting, the gaslighting, and being compared unfavorably to her AP, saying things
like the AP was the father my sons always wanted..... blaming me for my lack of anatomy, sexual skill, etc ..... as if that was the reason she cheated.

I came to a time when I did an "emotional divorce" - to protect myself from further hurts, I no longer had any sex with her, I "did my duty" as a father and a provider, but she had no "say"
in what I did, how I did it, where I went, etc. I did not consider her any kind of "partner", not physical, not material, not financial.

I clearly understood her as an ENEMY who cared nothing for me, my welfare, my happiness, my success. I treated her accordingly.

Counseling isn't going to do jack. Stop trying to control him. I went to counseling for a few times, but soon realized, as did the counselor, that she was more interested in
having a "bad-boy" boyfriend and occupying his ***** seat than in marriage and a family. I quit. It was a waste of my time and money.

My wife could have saved her marriage..... she could have chosen to stay faithful. She didn't. She could have chosen to "own" her $hit. She didn't. She could have gotten rid of her AP, come home,
and worked on her marriage. She didn't. She could have gotten serious about doing the work our counselor suggested, reading the books, etc. She didn't.




brownhealer said:


> I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


My wife accused me of this, too. There wasn't anyone else, ever.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's all I got.


You've certainly still "got it"..... I think you must have known my XWW.



She'sStillGotIt said:


> some even become arrogant enough to think it's no big loss even if they ARE caught.


In my case, this was her expressed opinion. I therefore saw no reason to remain married.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Whenever he looks at you, he sees your lover atop you.


And he sees your response to your AP as far better than what he gets. He draws the inevitable conclusion, that he "lost" you and has become a cuckold.

The "numb" is a "wall" of self-protection from these feelings which make him sick. Many men express that looking at their WW makes them "sick". This is why.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

brownhealer said:


> Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb.


Not of course. You have zero right to be mad, hurt, or shocked. This shows a lack of self-awareness on your part. It's all about you. No wonder your husband won't respond to your messages. Rather than seeking to help your husband heal from the damage you've done to him, all you can think about is getting him back and begging for another chance. That will get you nowhere, because there is no repentance and no concern for your husband in all of this.



brownhealer said:


> I have been doing everything to get this marriage back.


 You think you have been doing everything, but you haven't and furthermore, this statement sounds like you expect something from the person you stabbed in the back. That is a very foolish position to take.



brownhealer said:


> I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


Your entire focus should be about doing whatever you can to help your spouse and make it up to him, but only as he allows. There should be zero talk about your needs or desires. It's all about taking care of his wounds, which are deep. I recommend you read this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Help-Your-...14141&sprefix=HOw+to+help+your,aps,224&sr=8-3 "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair." It will at least help get you off the narcissistic path you seem to be on and readjust your thinking.

Stop contacting him. I know it's difficult to do anything for him or show him that you actually care about him if the two of you aren't speaking, but contacting him when he doesn't want you to is selfish and rude, especially considering what you've done to him. It is very normal for him to want to find someone who actually cares about him, so if he does have another woman, you should leave him to be happy rather than insisting that he come back to you.

The level of self-centeredness that you show in your post explains a lot. Your attention is focused on yourself and it has been for some time. If you want to be happy in life, it will be important for you to learn to be self-aware and to become a woman of integrity, otherwise, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Cynthia said:


> it will be important for you to learn to be self-aware and to become a woman of integrity


I've read lots of literature which says that women have to "feel safe" in order to give themselves physically to a man.

I've not read any literature which proposes that men have to "feel safe" in order to give themselves emotionally to a woman. But I, for one, cannot give myself to any woman emotionally unless I know
that she has my best interest at heart.

An affair proves, unequivocally, that she doesn't. My XWW was not a person I could ever again be intimate with. She was completely self-interested and self-absorbed. If she had followed the counselor's lead, read the study material, done "the work", a couple years down the road, I could have become convinced that she understood "where she went wrong", had gone to God for His restoration, and I could have THEN begun to let my "wall" down.

However...... this is not what happened.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

brownhealer said:


> I’m 32 , married for 3years. My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


It sounds like your cheating was a deal breaker for him. IMO you need to let him go peacefully so he can heal, learn your lesson, and be faithful to the next guy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Chasing at this time will just push him further away.

Let go of the outcome. Work on yourself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is what cheaters don’t seem to realize. You have changed the way he looks at and even perceives you. Cheating is the worst kind of abuse in my opinion. He may forgive you or may not But little you say now will change anything. Your ACTIONS have spoken volumes. Best you can do is hope he come around to talk to you. If not it will be over


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> When most men marry a woman, they think this ownership.
> 
> They own your love, your lips, your boobs, your VJ.
> 
> ...


I don't think this is a "guy owns the woman" thing in a way that's any different whatsoever to the "woman owning the guy." It's marriage, a partnership in which there is a sense of co-ownership of each other's heart, soul and body.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> I don't think this is a "guy owns the woman" thing in a way that's any different whatsoever to the "woman owning the guy." It's marriage, a partnership in which *there is a sense of co-ownership of each other's heart, soul and body.*


Tis' true, of course. 

He kept safe, her ownership of his love and his body......above board.

She shared his ownership (of her) with another man's lips and penis, thus taking hers..... below grade, marking the grade an "F," for failure.

Failure to adhere to one's vows.

Hear?



Nemesis-


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

brownhealer said:


> I’m 32 , married for 3years. My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling. I have been contacting him everyday with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


First of all I hope you stick around even though we can be harsh at times. Even if your marriage is over if you want to have a successful long term relationship you need to learn why you did what you did so you don't do it again. 

That being said if I were you husband and you "tried to get me to agree to go to counseling" my first response would be why do *I* need counseling I am not the one who cheated. 

Also assuming this wasn't a long term relationship that only recently got married 3 years is not a big investment he may just be thinking I should cut my losses and move on.

Can you explain what happened? Who was your affair partner. How long was it going on? 

YOU should go for counseling and figure out why you did what you did.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

First, stop contacting him every day! Give him time to grieve, and to heal. Calling every day just reminds him about why he isn't at home with you. 

IF he calls you, ask him what needs to happen to salvage your marriage. Then do it. There can be NO lies on your part. You screwed up and cheated, own it. Even if he ignored you, and you just wanted affection, there are always better ways to get it than infidelity.

This time apart might be just what you both needed. You were already considering leaving, and had an affair. So, why the sudden change of heart? If you want him back for any other reason than you love him, as your husand and deeply regret your choices, stop trying to get him back. If you want him back because you need a provider, you're lonely, or "gee, he ain't so bad" just let him go. 

Reconciling is hard work, with a lot of painful emotions, distrust, and it can take years. If you cannot commit to the hard work do you both a favor and don't start something that you cannot finish.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Not much you can do. 

Why would he want you around his two girls, I can understand him protecting them. 

So short a marriage, what is there to save. 

You need to work on you and focus on your two boys. IC should be your first thing to do and go from there.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> why do *I* need counseling I am not the one who cheated.


This is a completely understandable reaction. It is the same one I had. My view of counseling was that of "prison", a "punishment", which wasted my time, my money, and took me
away from my REAL duties, which I PERFORMED FLAWLESSLY. I was not the one who got before God and witnesses and LIED about how I would "forsake all others" ans "keep myself only unto you".

The one who should have gone to counseling was HER. I didn't need any counseling, I did RIGHT.


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## GodInyou (Oct 9, 2019)

Just love your Princess no matter what, that's all you need man !!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

brownhealer said:


> . I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really need some advice on how to save my marriage.


Why do you want you marriage back when your interest level and respect for him him is virtually non-existent? You and I both know the fulfillment you should feel from a marriage is lacking and you are seeking that missing element in someone else. Let it go Brownie. You've learned an expensive lesson, in terms of time and money, about marrying a person you're just not really into.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Did we drive off @brownhealer?

Did she not hear what she wanted?

Or, did she hear what she 'knew' would 'ensue'?


Tossing the Malatov cocktail through the window at TAM.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Don't look at it like that Sun. She may be the type that if she can't get what she wants in one place, she just goes elsewhere.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Then again, one voice against thousands does send many into retreat.

She got her thoughts off her sad chest, and her Albatross poop into, our nest.



TT 1-


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

" I am for certain someone else may be in the picture"....I sure hope so.

That's all I'll say about that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

brownhealer said:


> I’m 32 , *married for 3years.* My husband just recently left me. In the marriage I was the cheater. I was the one that wanted to throw the relationship away until he left. Of course I am mad, hurt, shocked etc. I want my marriage back but he is saying he is numb. I have been doing everything to get this marriage back. I really *need some advice on how to save my marriage. Or how to at least get him to agree to go to counseling*. I have been *contacting him everyday* with no response in return. I am for certain someone else may be in the picture.


A couple thoughts, if you even come back to observe the comments your post has created.

First, get a really good book like MW Davis Divorce Busting and read it. It will tell you to give your H some space. It will tell you that you cannot change him, only he can change himself and the way he feels about you. It will also give you suggestions on what you can do to "Get a Life." Those are code words for changing yourself, and doing things that will cause you to gain respect for yourself and for you H to possibly respect the "new you."

Second, you and your H have to go through a grieving process. You killed his love for you and your marriage. You both need to go through the steps of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, ......... acceptance. Assuming you have both made peace with the death of your marriage, then maybe he will want to go to couples counseling. You can also offer couples counseling as a way of helping each of you mover through the grieving process. 

Finally, what have you learned about yourself and what steps have you taken to change who you are. If you haven't done anything, then you really aren't ready for a marriage relationship. 3 years of marriage during which part of it was cheating is an incredibly short time span and does not bode well for any kind of relationship.

Good luck.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I have a suspicion she won't be returning to post again.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Take the initiative and start fixing yourself. Don't blame him for your decision to cheat (there are always other options). 

Start by reading: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" 
by Linda MacDonal

Your husband has just been emotionally hit by a truck by someone he trusted. If he decides to give you the gift of a second chance, it will take 3-5 years of very hard work (mostly yours during the first couple of years). And he may change his mind at any time. 

You can't get your marriage (as you both knew it) back - but you might be able to build a new one.
You can't control your husband or his reaction. He may return in a few weeks or he may never return. 

All you can do is fix yourself so you don't repeat (therapy for you), read self help books, and answer every question he has.

Be truthful. Forget about withholding information to spare him additional pain. Every time he learns of something new (no matter how minor you think the detail) his trauma starts fresh again.

Take the initiative to prepare a timeline of the affair (who, where, when, what happened and/or what was discussed) - and assume it's subject to a polygraph test. Take the initiative and set up the polygraph test. 

Experience shows that lying, withholding information, and blame shifting after the affair is exposed is the deal breaker. 

If you're not up to it, spare him anymore pain and let him go.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

One Eighty said:


> Am I the only one to notice that this is a zombie thread?
> 
> LOL. People talking to the wind.


Not necessarily. More people come and read the threads than the number of people who actually post. There are people other than the OP who can benefit from this thread.

Or the OP may come back and read after the initial shock wears off or she becomes more desperate and is more willing to listen.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

One Eighty said:


> Am I the only one to notice that this is a zombie thread?
> 
> LOL. People talking to the wind.


one week dead does not one a zombie.
OP started it 10/30/19


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't think hammering any wayward that comes in here does any good..... I'll be the first to tell you I can't stand cheating, but if we all jump all over them w negativity then the natural human reaction will be :fight or flight".... Ijs, there can be another way


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@brownhealer has there been any change in the situation? How are you doing?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Adelais said:


> @brownhealer has there been any change in the situation? How are you doing?


She hasn't completely abandoned us; she was "here" yesterday at 1:36pm according to TAM into when you click on her name. Hope she does come back and engage a bit more! The collective positive thoughts of TAM are engaged hoping the best for her.


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