# He's really mad at me!



## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Tell me if this was unreasonable...

My husband is a complete and total snob. I am a complete neat freak. The worst is what he does to our bedroom. At night he throws his clothes on the floor, leaves soda cans, wrappers, ice cream bowls etc on his night stand. It drives me insane so every morning before anything else I clean his mess up. I try to not nag but I do tell him every time that it really bothers me and I wish he would just make the effort to take care of this stuff before he goes to sleep.

I have bought him a little trash barrel but he never throws anything in there and finally I just realized he is NOT one of my kids! I should not have to do this stuff.

The part that bothers me most is that I told him two weeks ago if he didn't stop I'd pack all my clothes into a rubbermaid bin and store them in the bathroom and my new "bedroom" would be on the couch.

Sure enough two days has gone by and I haven't picked up after him (to prove a point) and so this time instead of cleaning it I did what I said I was going to do and now HE is pissed. wtf?? 

I know... I know if these are my "problems" I have it made but I am really just wondering if what I did was so awful that I am now getting the silent treatment??


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I'm probably the wrong person to respond, but I'd be pretty annoyed at you, too -- okay, so he left a bit of a mess in the bedroom. Even a big mess. Still, responding to that by moving out of the marital bed seems like a nuclear response to me.

I dunno, let's see what other commenters have to say...


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

It is easy for a slob to live with a neat freak.

It is torture for a neat freak to live with a slob.

In the end, you need to decide which is more important, cleanliness or peace.

You won't change him. You can only aggravate your own situation.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I can totally see what you mean and I had to work up the balls to even do it. I am just so tired of it all the time, I don't sleep well when my room is a mess. 

I DO feel bad and I wouldn't act like this if it were a once in a while thing. haha.. every time I think I am putting my foot down I end up feeling like crap.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I think your response was way to big and totally uncalled for. As to why you dont want to sleep with your husband who you should love unconditionally is beyond my understanding. :scratchhead: at your reaction.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Mrs K,
I would not move out of the bedroom over that. That tells your husband that you are done with the marriage over some trash not being picked up. Why not tone down the "neat freakness" a notch or two. There is an old saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff" and in the grand scheme of things this is pretty small stuff. Your actions would not motivate me, a male, to clean my stuff up rather it would, just as you are experiencing, piss me off as well. You may want to try a sit down discussion and remind him that he should clean up after himself and let him know how you feel on the subject. Sounds like you two are not effectively communicating and the frustration is high on your part.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Mrs. K, what if you take a different approach? Clearly the mess bothers you, in that you cannot even sleep well, but doesn't bother him at all. So take the responsibility for cleaning the bedroom every night, or morning or whenever, and in return, he can take responsibility for something you hate doing -- maybe he always goes and puts gas in your car, or sweeps the patio, or always picks up the dry cleaning. Would a trade like that be workable?


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> I think your response was way to big and totally uncalled for. As to why you dont want to sleep with your husband who you should love unconditionally is beyond my understanding. :scratchhead: at your reaction.



Maybe I am wrong but this is why I feel like I am justified..

I clean up after him like he is a two year old on a constant basis. I do all indoor and outdoor chores and cook all meals. I make it so he has to do NOTHING but have time with the kids when he gets home from work. I do all of this to show him that I appreciate him making it possible for me to stay home.

I don't feel like he does much to show appreciation for what I do here all day with the house and the kids. I don't as much just that he stop collecting soda cans and trash on his night stand so I can sleep peacefully. 

I also don't like the example it sets for the kids. They see him do it and they think they can do the same.

Agreed though. Perhaps I could have handled it another way but I have been trying for YEARS!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

But look at it this way --you've been trying for YEARS and he hasn't changed. Why do you think he will?

He could just as well say that he's been trying to get you to quit bugging him about it for years.

As far as the kids, there are plenty of things that dad gets to do that they do not, so I'd squash that argument pretty darn quickly.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you explained to him how it makes you feel? Did you point out that it stresses you out to no end? My H is a slob whereas I'm a neat freak. We have gotten into arguments about it before.. mainly because I went postal about it. I had a hard time getting my point across because I had failed to communicate in a blunt manner how it was effecting me emotionally and mentally. This of course had gone on for about 3 and a half years before i was finally able to find a way to tell him outright how it effected me and what I would like from him in regards to cleanliness. I didn't expect him to keep everything perfectly clean as I know that's impossible but he does now try the best he can. 

What we ended up doing was creating a system where he could toss his clothes in a certain spot.. that way it was easier for me to cope with... since his clothes were all together instead of strewn out all over the house. As far as empty soda cans or whatever.. i have a bag where they get put, trash of course has it's place as does food, ect. If he happens to forget i just now go over and ask.. "Did you forget something hun?" He'll think about it a minute or two and if he doesn't remember then I tell him and he goes and fixes the problem. Of course there are times where he does forget and i fix the problem for him.. since it's a hell of alot more manageable now then it was to begin with. Of course my H also has a bit of problems with his short term memory that he's needing to see the doctor for but like I said.... You could try to explain to him how it makes you feel and how it is effecting you. It is hard but I'm sure he will be understanding... Mine was when I was finally able to communicate the issue clearly.. instead of yelling about how everything was such a mess.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Read "The Five Love Languages". He is not speaking your love language and your resentment is building. If you two don't get this fixed then we will be seeing you in the going through divorce/separation forum. You may as well nip this in the bud now.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

This is off topic... but... awesome avi lamaga!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LOL, thanks. I decided everyone had had enough of the demon


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I was just going to say that I have tried talking to him about it and then I saw you said without yelling  

I haven't tried it calm yet. Usually the only time I say anything is when I am already in a bad mood and on what he calls a "rampage". I like the idea of having a certain spot where he CAN throw his clothes (cause you know the basket it too hard  but that would make it more manageable.

He makes fun of me all the time for being a neat freak. Most of the time I think it is funny but other times not so much!

I am not going to sleep on the couch tonight. He just came downstairs with all his crap that I was upset about and threw it away so I would sleep in bed.

In the past he has said he doesn't want to be like this but when it comes to this stuff he is just lazy. Most likely though 8 years later he is not going to change.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good luck, Mrs. K! Glad you are not on the couch tonight.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeah the yelling about it doesn't communicate anything to well. I wouldn't say he is unable to change... as change is possible.. maybe not a completely drastic change but an effort into making things more manageable is definitely a change imo. After all... making compromises is helpful when done from both ends... both yours and his.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

im sole provider and my wifes the domestic caregiver. If i did that (not that i would im pretty neat i wont even eat in the bedroom and only bring a water to bed) she would probably tell me to clean it up myself. She has no problem cleaning the house and taking care of the children but being like that would be just disrespectful to her.. Personally i kind of think eating in the bedroom is kind of a bad habit anyway. We try to restrict all food to the kitchen and dining room, occasionally the living room but no food every goes to the bedrooms.

Tell him to clean it up himself.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Mrs.K said:


> He just came downstairs with all his crap that I was upset about and threw it away so I would sleep in bed.


Like it or not, we all run on a reward system. Whether it's working for a pay check, or working for appreciation.

What did you do to reinforce him cleaning up? If nothing, you should have done something.

Yes, I know nothing should have been needed but how long will a dog fetch a ball if he isn't rewarded?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Mrs.K said:


> Most likely though 8 years later he is not going to change.


I don't agree Mrs.K, with this or with the other posters who are telling you you cannot change him.

I used to be a slob a long time ago, but living with my wife eventually changed me. But the key to change means it has to come from within.... meaning your husband must WANT to change. He needs to feel he wants to change but with love, not out of threat. You cannot get any long-term results from threats and anger, only from love and commitment.

This past year has been a huge milestone change in my life... I attribute it to both this forum and a bunch of the books I've read recommended by this forum. The trick with reading a book is that the reader attains knowledge and insight from a 3rd party author, so it is unbiased knowledge. When something is coming from a spouse, it can be perceived as self-interest communication and tainted by bias.

I highly recommend you somehow convince your hubby to start reading some books. Perhaps make him commit to 3 books only so he doesn't think he needs to read for the rest of his life, and the ones I recommend are "His Needs, Her Needs", "The 5 Love Languages", and "Married Man Sex Life".

The information in these books to me pave the road to being a better, more attentive and loving spouse. And it saves you from having to spoon-feed it to him as well!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> :scratchhead: I mean, it's really not that difficult. Clean up after yourself. I make my 8 and 5 year olds clean their rooms before they go to bed.


I have to disagree with you here, Angel -- treating one's spouse as if he/she were an 8 year old child rarely works out well. If that worked, it would have already. Why do you think he's got his back up?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, let's stipulate to that. He's lazy. And now what?

It's still not likely that nagging at him about that is going to change that behavior. So what options can we offer Mrs. K besides constant strife and sleeping on the couch?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband does this too. It does not bother me one bit. I just quietly pick up after him. I do not work, I can't. I'm disabled with a neck injury. I do not and can not bring any income to our household. I've been a SAHM for the last 11 years and will be forever "retired".

My husband has been wonderful. He's worked extremely hard for our family. For 7 years he's held on to two part time jobs along with his full time job. We wouldn't need the extra funds if our health care wasn't 2k monthly or more out of pocket. On top of working, my husband does 100% of the shopping for our household including Christmas shopping. I can not shop due to lifting and walking more then a couple hundred feet in one shot. Since his promotion, he's down to one job, but working longer hours.

My husband helped with the child care as well. Him not picking up after himself is not a big deal to me. I like my house clean as well. If I pick up after him everyday and not let it pile, it's not an issue. Plus, this leaves me the advantage knowing where everything is, including his tools. If I were working full time, this would be an issue for me.

My husband does not like cleaning the house, but he does like the house clean. My youngest has an OCD and she must have the house spotless at all times. She has learned to help me keep things picked up. Actually all my girls help me clean up now that they are home on summer break.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> You live there and cleaning isn't optional.


And I think that is treating an adult like a child. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one, Angel


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I can only tell you what I did with my husband, I gave him his own space to do whatever he wishes. I don't mess with it, regardless of what it looks like. In our bedroom he has his own dresser, night stand and half of tue closet. He does whatever he wants with those spaces. Two of his dresser drawers are junk drawers, which means he doesn't have enough space to store his clothes. So when laundry is done and folded and ready to be put away, his stays folded in laundry baskets in front of the dresser. The top of his dresser is overflowing with papers, misc pieces to various tools, kids toys he has taken away, etc. It is an avalanche ready to fall. I say nothing. His night stand is crammed with god knows what. I say nothing. When it starts to bother him, he will clean it up. Do I enjoy having that mess? No. But he deserves to have some of his own space where he can do what he wants without being nagged about it. I chose places in our bedroom because no one ever goes in there but us, and its contained. 

At the end of the day, he is an adult and he can clean up his own messes.

We have two kids and we make them clean their rooms. Our 3 year old is savvy enough to question why he has to keep his things neat when Daddy's stuff is a mess. I let DH field those questions, let him explain why rules don't apply to him LOL. Usually he is embarrassed that our kids noticed. I follow up with a talk about the benefits of being neat and organized (not losing pieces of your things for example, I can't tell you how many times we are missing a piece to some tool and have to shake down the dresser to find it).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

With you all the way, Kag!

As far as "why can't I do what daddy does?", well, I'm pretty sure Daddy also pays the mortgage -- wanna do that, kiddo?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Switch sides of the bed so you can't see his mess. Put him on the "wall" size. Wen it piles up, he'll be wondering why he has no clean clothes---well, that's why  As far as the bowls, food, cups, etc...must he eat in the bed? And if he does, oh well. LEAVE THEM. and when you're running low on dishes, pass Mr. Snob a paper plate. LOL!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But if you know this is how he is, either accept it or argue/nag about it every day.

My husband takes his pants off by the bed before bed every night. In the morning, there's a 30% chance that he'll pick them up and put them in the hamper in the bathroom. If he doesn't, I really don't give a crap. I pick them up and put them in the hamper. Is it worth betching about? No. He leaves the house at 6am...I can pick up his slacks.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> But if you know this is how he is, either accept it or argue/nag about it every day.
> 
> My husband takes his pants off by the bed before bed every night. In the morning, there's a 30% chance that he'll pick them up and put them in the hamper in the bathroom. If he doesn't, I really don't give a crap. I pick them up and put them in the hamper. Is it worth betching about? No. He leaves the house at 6am...I can pick up his slacks.


Same here, TG! 

Now, by the same token, this is the same guy who goes nuts if I don't put a CD back in the appropriate CD holder. So, I try, and he tries, and we both try to be patient with each other's foibles


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is not too hard to solve.
Most women find lazy, sloppy men unattractive.

Just implement a rule, no sex in a messy room, house, whatever.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, hicks, that's where this whole thread started, and most commenters (including me) opined that that response was a bit harsh, and probably not the most productive approach.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Well, I'm probably the wrong person to respond, but I'd be pretty annoyed at you, too -- okay, so he left a bit of a mess in the bedroom. Even a big mess. Still, responding to that by moving out of the marital bed seems like a nuclear response to me.
> 
> I dunno, let's see what other commenters have to say...


 A bit of a mess? If you accumulated all the mess he has left, that SHE has removed for him, it would probably fill the entire bedroom, I'd bet.

One time, at the behest of my IC, I told my DH that I needed help, I needed him to pick just ONE chore that he would be responsible for, to take it off my mental list of to-dos. He flat out refused. Said he never knew when he'd be home or available to do it.

So I sat and stewed for a few days. Like you, I picked up all his clothes, his trash, his dishes, his mail, his everything. AND did everything else, including repairs, mowing, etc. So I decided that the one chore I could take off my list that wouldn't affect me, I wouldn't care if it got done or not, was his laundry.

I stopped doing his laundry. After a few weeks, he ran out of clothes to wear, and he had the nerve to cuss me out! I just shrugged and said 'I ASKED you for help, to pick one chore, and you refused. So I had to do something, reduce one chore, for my sanity. That chore was your clothes. If I have to continue to keep doing everything for this family, that chore is expendable.'

He was dumbfounded. Swore he didn't remember me asking (in a restaurant, no distractions). And then he got up and went and took care of something that needed fixed outside. So I washed a load of his clothes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I can only tell you what I did with my husband, I gave him his own space to do whatever he wishes. I don't mess with it, regardless of what it looks like. In our bedroom he has his own dresser, night stand and half of tue closet. He does whatever he wants with those spaces. Two of his dresser drawers are junk drawers, which means he doesn't have enough space to store his clothes. So when laundry is done and folded and ready to be put away, his stays folded in laundry baskets in front of the dresser. The top of his dresser is overflowing with papers, misc pieces to various tools, kids toys he has taken away, etc. It is an avalanche ready to fall. I say nothing. His night stand is crammed with god knows what. I say nothing. When it starts to bother him, he will clean it up. Do I enjoy having that mess? No. But he deserves to have some of his own space where he can do what he wants without being nagged about it. I chose places in our bedroom because no one ever goes in there but us, and its contained.


I've tried that. My husband's 'stuff' started with one drawer in the bedroom, went into 5 drawers in his dresser, two drawers in the nightstand, a 3-foot pile beside the nightstand, under the entire kingsize bed, under the nighstand, and under the 2 dressers. Oh, and the kitchen cabinet, which started out at one shelf, went on to two, then I moved the glasses out to the other side of the kitchen, and now he filled up the entire 4 shelves in that cabinet and has moved on to on top of the kitchen, and the cabinet above the oven.

Every once in a while, I go through them to pull out stuff I need for taxes, and box everything else up and move it to his office. He gripes, I shrug, and say 'if you would have put it away over the past few years, you'd know where it was by now.'


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You could always implement the rule: What goes in the hamper....gets washed. What goes on the floor must be trash and goes to the dumpster. <- Kinda kidding, or am I?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I that just comes down to respect. I would LOVE to be a slob sometimes, but I'm not the only person living here.

Although, Ima be a slob today. I'll start cleaning later  No one is home!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if what I say is redundant.

The difference in our living habits was a huge part of the reason I ended up divorcing him. It wasn't the only thing--and maybe had he been responsive to my needs in other areas (sex, financial decisions), the differences would have been easier to tolerate. I don't know. 

But, I do know that nothing was less sexually appealing than cleaning up after someone like they are a child. It totally kills the vibe to feel like you have to be someone's mother. Of course, he was sexually selfish, too, so maybe it was his pattern of self-absorption more than anything else. 

I told myself over and over, "this is not worth breaking up the marriage," but the thing is, when the "small stuff" becomes an overwhelming TIDE of small stuff, you cannot ignore it. 

The actual final final straw wasn't that he refused to clean up after himself, but I realized he was intentionally adding to my work load in certain ways-it wasn't just thoughtlessness, in other words; he was being petty and passive aggressive. 

When I told my ex I wanted the divorce and why, he said, "You never screamed and cried about it; how was I to know it was important?" Um, b/c I told you repeatedly that it was important to me, and I worked very, very hard not to sound critical of you b/c you told me you didn't like it when I was critical (18 years before, and I had made honest, heart-felt change that lasted). 

Do not listen to anyone who is saying this stuff isn't important--if it is important to you, it is important. I don't function well in chaos (and we aren't talking about a bit messy; we are talking about real slobs whose living habits constantly get in the way of what others want and need to do; my kids were too embarrassed to bring others to our house, b/c their dad was/is such a slob).


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> This is a valid point. OP, are you a SAHM, or do you both work?




I am a SAHM. However... he works 40 hours a week and gets two days off a week. I tend to 3 children, cook all meals, clean the entire house, take care of the dog (he had to have), do all the laundry, mow the lawn and handle all outdoor work. ALL of which I don't mind doing. He offers all the time for me to wait until he gets home for the lawn to get cut but I truly just don't mind. All I ask for in return is that I can enjoy the fruits of my labor and sleep in a room free of trash and dirty bowls all over the place. I think it is gross that he eats in bed but that's just not up to me so they least he could do is take his crap down the stairs when he leaves for work.

I don't think it is so much at this point about the bowls and cans. Lately I have just felt really run down and unappreciated. Last night I think I said something to him that made it click.

I told him while I don't mind doing everything I do I just wish he and the kids would show some respect for the things I do and I asked him how he would feel if he spent the week working and I spent his check all in one afternoon? Kind of how I feel.. I work hard around here and it seems like someone is always following me around messing it up. Maybe it came off as I am expecting perfection but I am not! I am realistic and know there are 5 people and a dog living here and so I only expect what is possible and I feel like not leaving trash and dirty dishes out is very possible! Someone mentioned it being gross and attracting bugs and that is another concern. 

I will admit that taking my clothes downstairs was a temper tantrum but our true issue is communication. he doesn't want to talk things out until I am just p!ssed and have reached my limit. Before that if I try and talk to him he gets annoyed and makes jokes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ahhhh, the cry of the housewife....for centuries, I'm sure.

I'm in that boat with ya, sista!  LOL But I laugh about it because it's been a concern of ANYONE who stays home.

I used to be very anal....but now, I clean and make sure it's been cleaned, then I don't give an eff. thankfully, H cleans up his crap, but i always feeling like I'm picking up SOMETHING in this house. But it's just my situation in life right now. Soon the kids will grow up and move away and then I'll miss the toys and shoes. I remember my gramma telling me to relish this time EVEN THOUGH it's frustrating. 

The eating in bed thing is gross...I agree with you there. Hard to get sexy when there's crumbs stuck to your butt.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Ahhhh, the cry of the housewife....for centuries, I'm sure.
> 
> I'm in that boat with ya, sista!  LOL But I laugh about it because it's been a concern of ANYONE who stays home.
> 
> ...



:rofl:


Really though, this is the last thing I will probably say to him about it for a long time. Other than this we don't have any major problems and we have been getting along really good lately and I am pretty happy that this seems to be the main thing we fight over. I am glad I had a place to vent because now it's out of my system and I don't feel the need to nag him! He'll get a nice reward tonight for taking care of his trash


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's good to vent about it. I vent to friends sometimes. But honestly, if this is our biggest issue. THANK GOD. If every houseperson complains about it...it's pretty common. I hate being common...so I don't want to let it bother me.

Ima color my hair today. You should do something for you, too.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm not sure what ages your children are, but I do believe after a certain age they should be given daily chores. This helps ease some of the daily continuous work. You are right, it never ends. The messes keep piling up in just about every home with a family. 

My children are expected to pick up after themselves. Their friends are over at our house daily during the summer, so they have to pick up after the friends as well. All 3 of my girls are given daily chores without a weekly allowance. They pretty much have anything they want/need. My girls are very hard to shop for. They are much like my husband and I, whom are very content with life. 

I'm limited to my daily activity since I broke my neck and I deal with severe pain 24/7. I do the housework in spurts. We have 2 dogs and 12 chickens to take care of. The chickens are my hobby, plus it makes the cooking a thousand times better with fresh eggs. I cook everything from scratch. It's what I enjoy doing. I make sure I use the stationary bike everyday, this helps me stay more active on my feet. Without some exercise, I wouldn't be able to accomplish the amount I can do now. Since my husbands promotion, I now added ironing all of his clothes. Not my favorite thing in the world to do, but I'm home and have the time. I try to stay as busy as possible. Someday I will lose my mobility.:/ I already need a wheelchair when we go out.

I do give my husband credit for working and shopping. On the weekends, he takes the kids somewhere fun. My husband also puts a lot of effort into our marriage making sure my needs are met before his own. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. He is so supportive of me even being disabled in my 30's. I have never heard my husband complain about anything in the last 12 years of marriage. I do my best to stay as positive as possible also, but I'm not quite as patient as he.

I grew up with my mother nagging constantly. It drove me and everyone else up the wall. She was also constantly yelling. I did not pick up on those traits and I'm sure my husband is grateful for this. It's very peaceful here. My girls rarely argue and get along very well too. Some days I wonder how and why I have it so good in life. Lucky I guess? I absolutely adore my husband as he is also my best friend. Both him and I are very laid back.

I just wanted to add that I really did know how his housekeeping skills were before we married. He tried keeping his house clean the first few months of dating. Then after a while he fell back into his routine. I just figure since he works so hard for us, the least I can do is clean up after him. My husband does not eat in our bedroom. I do, since I sit on my bed or the couch for neck and head support. I clean up my dishes ASAP after I'm done.


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