# New Year Resolution Tugging at my Heart :(



## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

Well it's a new year and I promised myself I'd make a resolution to make a decision about my life and stick with it but the new year isn't making it any easier. I've always been a happy person that's full of life but lately I feel like all of that is sucked right out of me.

Long story short my husband and I had problems for about 3.5 years now because he became addicted to a pc game and never showed me any affection. Always corrected me in front of my kids and was never on the same page. Didn't take interest in anything I did and would never do things alone with me or with other couples unless it was his family. I started to feel resentment for him and told him I was miserable but he refused counseling and talking about it most of the time too. I still loved him but the intimate feelings I had for him (or I think I had) started to disappear and we started to argue more.

So after about 3 years of feeling disconnected I started having feelings for someone else. It was a major emotional connection but he physically got to me also. It wasn't a sexual thing but it came close and I found myself turned on just by a look from him. I begin to wonder if I'd ever had that kind of passion for my husband at all. He was also in a bad marriage but his has now ended. I told my husband finally about my feelings and he decided he was done with pc games and his depressed mood and wanted to go to counseling and fix it. We have 2 kids ages 7 and 5 so I thought that I should at least try. Things did get better as far as him doing things with me and showing affection. Actually almost too good he couldn't stay away from me. However I love him but the passion just still hasn't been there. I found myself not wanting sex and tensing up when he kissed me.

so NYE we went out of town with some other couples. trying to do things and have fun. However he has now become jealous and got upset and pouty when other men noticed me or talked to me even though I didn't return the gesture. I understand why he is somewhat jealous now I just wish he had been a little more perceptive to the idea that I can attract other men a few years ago. So we were intimate that night and I thought that was good. however lately I have been more distant and he gets upset and that night he wanted more and that made him upset. It's like a lose lose situation. didn't help that he'd been drinking which is not something he does often at all. It esculated into an argument and him talking about this other guy I had feelings for and calling me a cheater and even throwing his ring at me. At that point I thought I had definitely made my decision on whether to stay and put up with this or go and be happy. I realize that I can make it on my own and I can be a good mother even if I'm not married I just wanted to try to be a good mom and not have my kids grow up in a broken home like I did.

Well next morning he says he really doesn't remember any of that and he's sorry and he loves me more than life. today I got flowers and he's been affectionate and giving me back rubs.
He is a good man and he helps around the house and is an awesome dad. He's a very attractive guy also. Probably even more so to most than the other man but that's not what it's all about. 
for Christmas the other guy sent a book he had made to my desk that had 50 pages of the reasons why he loved me and they were all personal and some were even little quirks I have that drive my hubbynuts. He has given up a big home and most of his material belongings to his ex-wife partially because he wanted to be with me. I feel guilty regardless of which direction I go. One man has my head and part of my heart because he is the father of my children and my family thinks he hung the moon.
The other makes me feel alive and even though I have been trying to work things out when I do run into him at work my heart flip flops and my stomach gets in a knot. 

Honestly I don't want to hurt either of them. I know I owe it more to my husband and family to try to work it out and I'm also the financial provider for my family right now. however everytime he starts to get moody and we argue again I find the resentment feelings start to come back up. The logical side of me says the grass is not always greener and the passion thing is not a reason to leave. However I need to convince my heart of this. Sometimes I often think I'd just rather be alone and be happy with just myself so I can figure things out. I don't like the person I am now. I like the normal me that is full of life and adventure and outgoing. 

sorry for the vent but seems like a good place to talk about it and I feel a little better. Anyone else ever had a similar experience and how did it end up?


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sorry. What you are going through is awful and hard. My hubby was/is addicted to the computer too. For a about two years he pretty much ignored me unless he wanted sex or for about an hour out of the day at dinner time. The rest was spent sleeping, working (when he had a job), or on the computer. I tried coming into his "World" and thinking that maybe if I gamed with him I would feel better and he would "love" me more, but that didn't happen. He didn't even acknowledge he was married to me unless someone asked him directly. We weren't even really friends online. I felt more like that little sister that you want to go away to you can hang out with your friends. Anyway...

I developed feelings for someone else. It was online and I know for a lot of people that's not really legitimate, but this person and I talked for hours and he seemed to know all the right things to say, even he right songs to sing (yeah, he would sing to me). I almost left my hubby, but I didn't. I separated from him and told him that I needed time to work things out, that I just didn't know if I could stay when the computer was so much more important than me. Long story short, we talked, boundaries were set and I gave him another chance. Things have been better since then. 

As for the other guy, he agrees its better that I stay in my marriage. It's the right thing to do, though he wished he could justify otherwise. 

The only thing I can really say about your situation is that you probably don't feel alive and vibrant around your husband because there is so much anger and resentment there. Being neglected is not something easily let go. I do think that if you want to feel that way again and he is really trying it could certainly happen, it is just going to take a lot of work and a lot of forgiveness. I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but I feel for you. I don't have the children factor so I can't imagine that extra difficult element. -Hugs-


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## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

Thanks so much for your advice Confused. It really helps to see know people have been through things like this and worked it out. 
sometimes I think maybe I should have separated from him for awhile just to be sure of what I really wanted. If it was just a fantasy thing that I would get over and miss him etc...Now I kind of feel like my chance for that passed and if I do leave I need to be prepared for it to be for good. I'm not sure he would want to reconcile again. Although the first time he deleted his computer game and began doing stuff with me a lot and seeing a counselor. The counselor wanted to see just him also because she felt he had a lot of issues and was depressed possibly. He says that he really is that fun person like me but sometimes I feel like he is trying to hard just to make me stay and it's not the true him. I don't want him to feel he HAS to change for me. He's not a bad person he's just different than me personality wise. doesn't make it bad and I don't want him to feel that way and end up resenting me. He says that won't happen but I just don't know. He says he was just in a funk and he really wanted to do all those things with me but didn't know why he didn't but he wants to now. I've been with him for 14 years total and looking back I can see how we were always different. I was always more outgoing and spontaneous and an adventure seeker and he was the more cautious and worried about everything person. I always felt a connection with him because of our life values but I'm not sure it was ever a huge passion connection. Sure I wanted him and I didn't tense up like I do now sometimes but it was more of a good strong friendship and someone I knew would be loyal and I could trust and that would be a good dad. I guess I'm just worried that I'm trying to get something back that might have never completely been there. Not the way it is for this other man. Even when I don't see him I still think about him a lot and what if things had been different. I just know how much my dad thinks of my husband and how everyone just thinks we go together and make a cute couple etc...so sometimes I feel like it's all a big lie. I think he is genuine in how he feels for me. I guess my biggest question is do I see myself being happy for the rest of my life with him?


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

AdrenalineJunkie said:


> Thanks so much for your advice Confused. It really helps to see know people have been through things like this and worked it out.
> sometimes I think maybe I should have separated from him for awhile just to be sure of what I really wanted. If it was just a fantasy thing that I would get over and miss him etc...Now I kind of feel like my chance for that passed and if I do leave I need to be prepared for it to be for good. I'm not sure he would want to reconcile again. Although the first time he deleted his computer game and began doing stuff with me a lot and seeing a counselor.


I am glad my words were helpful in some way. 

If he is working on himself now, I don't think separating is a good idea, unless, like you said, you were ready for it to be for good. That would probably just confuse him since in his eyes, he is doing everything he can to make up for his...er...distance. 




AdrenalineJunkie said:


> The counselor wanted to see just him also because she felt he had a lot of issues and was depressed possibly. He says that he really is that fun person like me but sometimes I feel like he is trying to hard just to make me stay and it's not the true him. I don't want him to feel he HAS to change for me. He's not a bad person he's just different than me personality wise. doesn't make it bad and I don't want him to feel that way and end up resenting me. He says that won't happen but I just don't know. He says he was just in a funk and he really wanted to do all those things with me but didn't know why he didn't but he wants to now.


Depression is really debilitating for anyone. I do think that is what drove my husband to games in the first place. 

If your husband wants to change the chances of resentment are much less than if he felt you were making him change. From what I am reading it sounds like he really want to be the better man from you and he realizes that is going to take change on his part. Change is good for both parties. We should grow and evolve our personalities in a couple.



AdrenalineJunkie said:


> I guess my biggest question is do I see myself being happy for the rest of my life with him?


What if's are terrible, i'm sorry. I hope you can figure that out as painlessly as possible.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I kinda got a different take on this... 

Your hubby was messing up, so you stopped feeling him...you started your EA... he started to get his act together, but you still aren't feeling him... you continue your EA.. :scratchhead:

How exactly are you going to work things out with your husband when the OM is still in the picture??? 

Its like me coming on here and describing intimacy problems in the bedroom, and part of my resolve is to continue to bang some OW on the side, thus i can't figure out why i am so confused.

If you want you marriage to atleast try to work, drop the OM, he is tugging at you emotionally. You are playing a dangerous game, especially with your hubby now drinking.


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## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

The OM is not in the picture like that. Yes he did leave me a Christmas present and has sent me a couple messages but that's it I have not been seeing him. The problem is we work at the same place so I do run into him sometimes in the building. The problem is although I let him go to work on my marriage I still think about him a lot. It has been several months so I feel like that should be fading more by now. The problems in the bedroom started before the EA also. I had lost those intimate feelings long before. Although I know you are right about that only causing confusion because once I had feelings for someone else it was way worse. It was killing me inside and that's one reason I told my husband about things. I honestly thought he'd want me to leave but he wanted to work it out. I tried to leave but found myself going back to my husband because my heart wasn't totally ready to give up my home and kids and our life together.
some days I do feel like I am getting some of those feelings back and I do know that I love him and think he is a good man.
I guess I should also clarify that he's not drinking now he just drank too much New Year's Eve when we all went out to celebrate. It was a one time thing. He rarely ever drinks more than a couple beers and that's only if we go out with friends on occassion etc. 

Thanks for everyone's advice. I have to say that today I feel much better. I took a good long look at my hubby last night and what all he does for me and the kids and I think that maybe there is still hope for us to get those feelings back.


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