# Desperately Need Help and Advice



## peramoure (Aug 22, 2012)

I just joined this board and have read 20+ threads and decided to register and post. I'm going on 11am, meaning that I've been up since 9am the previous day - 26 hours or so.

We are not married, but close enough. Some history about myself - I'm 28, been with about 38 women (most of which was 18-24) and have grown up in the past few years. I am very capable of sexually satisfying a woman, and am also extremely involved in making sure my girlfriend is happy, smiling, etc. I am very picky with women, and up until this one, I can say with confidence I've never been truly in love. She feels the same way, or has said so, probably 4-5 times a day. Extremely loving relationship.

Anyway, yesterday we were coming off a 3 day fight. She can be very stubborn, and we went out and began talking about marriage, children - we've already tentatively made plans to move to China to teach English. It was an absolutely AMAZING day, one of the best we've had in a long time. Unfortunately she started throwing up for no reason whatsoever, and when she fell asleep I felt like something was wrong. I looked through her phone and during the fight saw that she was bragging to her friend about ****ing a 20 year old she works with. She is 23. 

I am a very forthcoming guy, meaning I am aggressive and vocal when it comes to being disrespected. I was EXTREMELY angry, and I don't know if that is the appropriate way to handle it. She was absolutely 100% apologetic, sobbing, begging, pleading, because I have never been cheated on and felt like that was the end of the road, NO MATTER WHAT. We both agreed it was the most amazing relationship we've ever had (she grew up with a horrible father and has always dated horrible, mean spirited men, of which I am the complete opposite) but I refused to forgive her. She would not physically leave my house until I told her there was a chance, and I would not physically remove her. She followed me around the effing block when I tried to leave. I told her it would take time and if she loved me she would not bang this guy out of spite (or whatever it is) She still legitimately said that she did not know why she did it, woke up in the morning and felt absolutely horrible. 

I ride a motorcycle and walked to her house after she'd left because we had carpooled, meaning my motorcycle and helmet were there. We talked more, and she was hysterical sad, begging, telling me she had never loved anybody in her life like she loves me and that there was nobody and will be nobody ever again. and she thought it was over during our fight. Blah. This is getting long.

Alright. So another note. She was scheduled to have this kid as a room mate (she goes to college). Forgot about that. So this is the first time they've had sex based on their text messages, but upon finding out and hours of talking she decided that if there was a sliver of hope of us getting back together, she would nix the apartment all together and tell him that she can no longer move in because of the transgression. She makes very little money and cannot afford to live by herself, tho, but she volunteered that.

Long story short, I am so angry, so furious, so disheartened and sad and depressed that I don't know what to do. I have always been a picky man, and after 30 something women I finally found the one and she has ALWAYS agreed. Every day is better generally and I 99% believe this is the first time as we rarely stay apart. 

I'm rambling fellas and don't know your acronyms, but I am a man of principles and treat women with incredible respect and also look at myself as quite a catch. I don't know what to do. I need help. She seems 100% legitimately remorseful, although it takes something large for her to show remorse or an apologetic tone. Generally she is very stubborn.

Ramble end. Good lord. Help. I realize in closing that this is a mindless ramble, but hopefully I was able to paint a picture.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Read the links for newbies in my signature. And these are the common acronyms used here and most other infidelity support sites.


A = Affair
AP = Affair Partner
BH = Betrayed Husband
BNO = Boys Night Out
BW = Betrayed Wife
BS = Betrayed Spouse
DDay = Discovery Day
DW = Disloyal Wife
DH = Disloyal Husband
DS = Disloyal Spouse
D = Divorce
EA = Emotional Affair
fWW = Former Wayward Wife
fWH = Former Wayward Husband
fWS = Former Wayward Spouse
GNO = Girls Night Out
IC = Individual Counselling
ILYBINILWY = I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You
KISA = Knight In Shining Armor
LS = Loyal Spouse
MC = Marriage Counselling
OM = Other Man
ONS = One Night Stand
OW = Other Woman
OMW = Other Man’s Wife
OWH = Other Woman’s Husband
PA = Physical Affair
R = Reconciliation
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
STBXH = Soon To Be Ex Husband
STBXW = Soon To Be Ex Wife
TF = Toxic Friend(s)
TT = Trickle Truth
VAR = Voice Activated Recorder
WW = Wayward Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WS = Wayward Spouse


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. She cheated because the guy was younger and she thought it was great enough to brag about it? WALK AWAY!

2. What will she do when you age a few years?


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## peramoure (Aug 22, 2012)

Here's some **** she wrote me when I left her home.

I can't put into words how sorry I am and I literally want to go blow my brains out for hurting you. You meant more to me than any other person I had ever met and I wish I could take it all back. I was ****ed up (not an excuse) and I acted selfishly. It meant nothing to me and I hate myself for it..something I will have to live with for the rest of my miserable life. I contacted THE DUDE straight after I left to discuss the apartment. I still love you and I am sorry.

I don't blame you for the way you treated me. I feel like our love and bond is strong enough to get through this at some point but you probably don't see it that way. I was under the impression we were broken up.. There is no rationalizing this and I am hurting as much as you.


I was disgusted after the fact and ironically it was then I realized that you were the only person I wanted. I feel like now I will go through life and never find anyone I care about even a fraction the amount I loved you.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So, you had a fight and she just ran out and slept with that guy? And this was the same guy she was going to get an apartment with??

Hmmmm........sounds like there may be more to the story. I don't think she only slept with him once.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

peramoure said:


> Here's some **** she wrote me when I left her home.
> 
> I can't put into words how sorry I am and I literally want to go blow my brains out for hurting you. You meant more to me than any other person I had ever met and I wish I could take it all back. I was ****ed up (not an excuse) and I acted selfishly. It meant nothing to me and I hate myself for it..something I will have to live with for the rest of my miserable life. I contacted THE DUDE straight after I left to discuss the apartment. I still love you and I am sorry.
> 
> ...


If it meant NOTHING to her, she wouldn't have been bragging about it to her friend. It was an accomplishment to her, and before she got caught she liked what she had done. 

Be careful of the tears. People (including myself) initially equate tears to remorse, but a lot of the time those tears are because they got caught and feel guilty. There is a difference between remorse and guilt. 

My honest advice. Coming from a guy who is 30 -- married a 24 year old (now 25) who cheated on me 2 months into our marriage. Your girlfriend isn't mature enough to be married. Who in their right mind, in a serious relationship, thinks you're broken up during a fight? 

This is when life is supposed to be easy. Leave her. You sound like you have your sh*t together. Find yourself a woman and not a girl who is ready for an adult relationship. 

When a person shows you who they are, believe them. I'm sorry you're going through this, its an awful pain, but in the silver lining just be happy it happened before you were married.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Not married, leave. Still young and not married, leave. Still young, not married and no kids, leave.

She was gonna move in with the other guy also.....But called it off now because of you finding. Not remorse, saving her own ass only.

Let's say you saw this antique bike for sale and it was exactly what you've always wanted. Looked great, sounded great, rode like a champ. But there was flaw in the bike that was hidden and you found out afterwards.

Would you be happy and just say oh well, I'll just keep the bike and spend more money to hopefully fix it.

Or would you take the bike back and demand your money back for a broken piece of crap?

You could still probably fix it and have the bike you always wanted but you never know if it'll break down again sometime down the road.

She only offered to not stay with the guy only because you found out, not because or remorse or guilt. SHE SHOWS ZERO REMORSE at cheating, only remorse for herself at getting caught.

Kick her to the curb and move on. She even bragged about it to her friends. That means she was so proud of banging the other guy she had to tell her friends. Leave, her.

I wonder when she told her friends were they all laughing about it and giving her high fives for screwing the hot 20 year old guy.

Leave her.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Again just in case you didn't get my message, leave her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

What everyone else said.

No future with her. She is still an immature child. She is not ready for an adult commitment.

You were OK with your 23 yr old GF moving in with a 20 yr old single male? 

Get out.

Edit: Sounds like everything she wrote in the message was quoted straight out of some cheap paperback romance novel. Not real. Leave.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

peramoure said:


> Anyway, yesterday we were coming off a 3 day fight. She can be very stubborn, and we went out and began talking about marriage, children - we've already tentatively made plans to move to China to teach English. It was an absolutely AMAZING day, one of the best we've had in a long time. Unfortunately she started throwing up for no reason whatsoever, and when she fell asleep I felt like something was wrong. I looked through her phone and during the fight saw that she was bragging to her friend about ****ing a 20 year old she works with. She is 23.


Well I"m glad you are here. What strikes me the most disturbing is that she was able to make you trust her so well and then was able to not only screw around but also brag about it. That's awful. I don't think she is remorseful of what's she's done. She is remorseful that you caught her.
[/QUOTE]




peramoure said:


> I am a very forthcoming guy, meaning I am aggressive and vocal when it comes to being disrespected. I was EXTREMELY angry, and I don't know if that is the appropriate way to handle it. She was absolutely 100% apologetic, sobbing, begging, pleading, because I have never been cheated on and felt like that was the end of the road, NO MATTER WHAT.


Don't lose that respect for yourself. It's the worse thing that can happen. EDIT: REMOVED REFERENCE TO 180.

You are fortunate that this happened sooner rather than later. I doubt she is able to be in a healthy relationship yet and she may be a serial cheater.

It's possible she's learned a lesson but I think this will come back to bite you in the arse.. Even if it's true, things will NEVER be the same between you two again. She is tainted.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but not married yet and no kids. It's a no brainer to me.


EDIT: Removed my "how to work on it stuff". Just seemed like bad advice. Flush this relationship and keep your respect. Bragging about it? Really.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay you are not married now. You future ex/ wife slept with another dude. She then tells you that she planned to move in with him. That means that they are still talking. Which means that there is still a connection. You future ex / wife is saying and doing the right things. If you want this woman in your life you have to demand NC and then full transparency. 
I think that if you genuinely want a future with this woman it is still possible. But it is how you handle this now that will determine the future. 

The steps I would follow now are this.
1)Meet her face to face and demand NC with the OM. Tell her to send him a message saying something like, 

"I have made a horrible mistake, I am sorry for anything I have done to lead you into this relationship. I do not want to be with you nor have any contact with you anymore. I am going to start working on my relationship with the person I have deeply betrayed but am deeply in love with. This will be the last communication we have good bye."

From that point on your girlfriend needs to understand that any communication from that point forward will end your relationship. If he contacts her he is not to respond. She is to tell you show you the message or voicemail. If he calls her and she unawares answers she should hang up as soon as she finds out it is him.

2) full transparency - means that you need access to any and all email addresses. You need access to her phone records. 

3) Full disclosure - she needs to tell you the full truth about the affair. Ie How long did it last, how did they meet, When did he/she cross the line, and why was she bragging about it. 

4) Make a list of things your girlfriend needs to do in order for you to start trusting her again. 

No free passes, no holding back, you need to send a clear unmistakable message that cheating, in any form EA/ PA or inappropriate behavior towards someone outside of the relationship, will not be tolerated. 
You need to let her know that you were considering marriage. That marriage for now is off the table for an indefinite amount of time.

I am concerned that you are getting lied to.I mean, if it was some big mistake, why would she be bragging about it. Why would she continue forward with her plans to move in with the OM?

If you are supporting her financially that stops immediately until NC, full transparency are in place.

You need to understand that this is going to be difficult. You need to ask yourself if you love this woman enough to get over this at some point far into the future?
Do you still want this woman to be your wife?

Start immediately with NC, full transparency, and cutting her off financially. She will probably ***** and whine since you are taking her toy away but $#@$ that. She made her bed now she can lie in it. Good luck and act quickly but think throughly.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Move on and don't look back. She's her own problem now. How disrespectful to you. You'd be hanging around her friends she bragged to.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yea I don't think you need to figure out how to fix this at all. Just get out of it before it's too late man. Really sorry this happened to you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It just hit me (a little slow today).

She cheated and bragged about it to her friends. She was planning on sharing an apartment with the guy she cheated with and was keeping all of this from you. It doesn't take much to guess what was going to happen after they moved in together. That was the plan and you screwed it up by finding the message where she was bragging to friends about screwing the guy.

You seem to put some significance on the fact that now, after you busted her, she volunteered not to move in with him. Really.

If you had not found out, she would be moving in with him and she and all her friends would be laughing at what a clueless DA you are.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

There is no excuse for what she did and I think she should be kicked to the curb.
I can't help but wonder why she would cheat.You seem to have a healthy ego and I'm wondering if maybe she felt insecure because of that and because of your sexual history?Maybe this was her way of lashing out and trying to show herself she was just as good as you?
just speculating..


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

OH another piece of advice. Get some sleep. Having rational thoughts through this is hard enough when well rested, and for me at least they are damn near impossible when exhausted. Either way you choose to go, this won't be gone tomorrow -- accept that fact and get some sleep.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Asume you patch things and you finnaly marry her. What is going to happen two kids down the road, a mortage, bills piling up, busy lives, mindane things, dissapointments, no more butterflies in the stomach... and you have an argument?

On your side, allowing your GF/fiancee have a male roomate is foolish.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Asume you patch things and you finnaly marry her. What is going to happen two kids down the road, a mortage, bills piling up, busy lives, mindane things, dissapointments, no more butterflies in the stomach... and you have an argument?
> 
> On your side, allowing your GF/fiancee have a male roomate is foolish.


And if by 1% chance it did not get worse. Well... this one will never go away either. Will be in your head forever. Betrayal is a powerful weapon.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

First of all, she is only 23. You are not the love of her life, because she just started living her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Leave!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

peramoure said:


> Here's some **** she wrote me when I left her home.
> 
> I can't put into words how sorry I am and I literally want to go blow my brains out for hurting you. You meant more to me than any other person I had ever met and I wish I could take it all back. I was ****ed up (not an excuse) and I acted selfishly. It meant nothing to me and I hate myself for it..something I will have to live with for the rest of my miserable life. I contacted THE DUDE straight after I left to discuss the apartment. I still love you and I am sorry.
> 
> ...


Yet she was bragging to a friend about banging this other guy and planning to move in with him. This is no way a marriage can be built on this because there is no foundation any more. You've already discovered she was talking to this guy for hours and hours. 

Don't fall for the crocodile tears and fake remorse.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Guess he bolted.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Throwing up? Pregnent perhaps?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

tdsc60 said:


> it just hit me (a little slow today).
> 
> *she cheated and bragged about it to her friends. She was planning on sharing an apartment with the guy she cheated with and was keeping all of this from you*. It doesn't take much to guess what was going to happen after they moved in together. That was the plan and you screwed it up by finding the message where she was bragging to friends about screwing the guy.
> 
> ...


this


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Are you sure your GF is 23? 
She acted like a 13 year old teen by f*cking out of spite and then bragging about it after.

How immature! How disrespectful! 

Not only that, but the letter she left you home was very hypocritical and had no emotion. She was just being politically correct and chose the right words thinking she would fool you.

Also, it's very surprising that you sound to have been okay with the fact that she was going to share an apartment with this guy.
Under no circumstances would it be okay!! [even if they hadn't slept together].


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