# Can't give partner what she wants, please help!



## JubbaNyama (Jan 30, 2012)

Hey guys, new to the website and could really use some help. I have a hard time telling all this to close friends so a forum with unbiased and objective opinions seemed like a good way to go 

First a quick background about my partner and I: We are engaged and have been together for 8+ years now. We both do not believe in the idea of marriage and we both do not want kids. We live together and get along great but due to some issues (which I will explain below), we are now on a 6 month break. She is the first partner I’ve ever had but I am not the first for her. We are both in our 30s.

On to the story (this could get lengthy since a lot has happened so please bear with me).

*How it happened*
For the past year or so I took some time off work and basically turned into a lazy ass bum. I didn’t do much every day except eat sleep and play games. I didn’t want to go out much, I neglected her, and I took her for granted. Sometime around December of last year, she woke me up for morning sex and she could feel I wasn’t that into it, and shortly after I lost my erection. What happened in bed that morning plus all the **** I’ve been doing the past year was just too much for her and so she suggested a 6 month break. Since then she has been talking to someone she met online that she tells me she likes but is not sure what she wants from him.

*Change*
I was actually quite shocked when she suggested the 6 month break. We get along pretty amazingly well, and we rarely ever have very big fights, so I just sort of assumed everything was fine. Things were comfortable, we weren’t arguing much, and so I thought everything was peachy. But when she suggested the break, and the thought of actually losing her entered my mind, it was like a giant kick in the balls and I started to get my **** together. I deleted my games, I started going to the gym and exercising again, and I’m about to dive head first into a new job that I’m genuinely excited about. That takes care of most of the issues that have happened in the past year or so, but there is still one problem: the sex.

*The sex*
Ever since the first time we’ve had sex, I’ve always been the one that takes longer to orgasm. She is my first and only partner, and I think at the very beginning it took 7-8 rounds of sex before I actually was able to orgasm. I think (but I’m not sure) this has set the tone for the rest of our sex life the past 8 years. She would always orgasm first (sometimes multiple times) and then I would orgasm after. But every time we have sex, I am always so worried that I will not orgasm fast enough that all I do is focus on trying to orgasm. I don’t know if this is normal or not or what people think about when they are having sex. When I asked her this, she said 90% of the time her mind is just blank and she is focusing on doing what feels good, but for me I am always focusing on trying to orgasm and clenching my thighs and hoping I don’t let her down. There were even a few times where my thighs and butt have actually cramped up from trying too hard…

Whenever we have foreplay – kissing and making out, BJs, fingering, etc. – it’s always been very hot and I have an erection the whole time. It feels amazing and I really enjoy it. But when it comes to the actual sex, I start to worry about if I can orgasm fast enough or not. If I had to put a time on it, I would say the foreplay roughly lasts around 3-5 minutes or so on average, and the actual penetrative sex is about 1-2 minutes before she orgasms. As for me, it will usually take about 3-4 minutes before I can orgasm. This is an issue because once she orgasms, there is a specific time window where she is still wet and still able to have sex before it becomes uncomfortable for her.

*What I’ve tried*
After the breakup I started to read online about porn induced dysfunction and was convinced that it was something I had. I’ve been masturbating since I was probably like 6 years old and thought the reason was that I’m just so used to the sensation that normal intercourse just doesn’t do it for me. I wasn’t a heavy porn user or masturbator, but whenever I got horny or saw half naked pictures of women, instead of going to my partner I would just fire up some porn and masturbate. It was never more than once a day and it really depended on my mood, but I think the key issue is that I never stopped masturbating. I always just assumed masturbating was normal and I didn’t even know there was such a condition.

So I decided to delete/cut off all porn and stopped masturbating for as long as I could go. Last week at about the 30 day mark we had sex. It was pretty awesome for me and “good” for her since we were both able to orgasm. The next day, we had sex again and we both were able to orgasm again. I believe this was the first time ever in our 8 years that I’ve been able to orgasm from intercourse 2 days in a row. But… on the 3rd day we tried to have sex again and I lost my erection again  She was not very happy about that and I felt like I had let her down. We didn’t have sex again until last night where we tried a new position which hurt my penis a little bit, my butt cramped up, I started to worry again about losing my erection, and then BAM it went soft again 

I think this nearly made her cry and it sure as hell made me want to cry/feel useless. She told me to get out of the room and I told her I’m sorry for being so useless and not being able to satisfy such a simple need of hers, and that I would understand if she wanted to have sex with other guys because I probably would not have wanted to have sex with myself after that performance. I went out for a drive and to get some fresh air and when I came back we had a talk. The conclusion of the talk was that I should go date/sleep around to see if this is just an issue with her or not.

*Where is this going…?*
My partner is absolutely amazing. I’m still completely in love with her after all these years, and I find her to be unbelievably attractive (so attractive in fact that I think she is out of my league). But because of me neglecting her the past year, and what has happened in bed, she thinks that I am not attracted to her anymore, she doesn’t feel wanted, and that I don’t find her sexy. I’ve tried to assure her this is not the case, but I don’t think she really believes it. And I think this is why she is talking to the other guy – because he makes her feel wanted and sexy and at the moment I am just not providing enough for her in that department.

She suggested that during this 6 month break, I date and sleep around with other women to see if I have the same problem in bed with them as I do with her. She told me that whenever we have sex and I don’t orgasm, she ends up feeling awful about herself and doesn’t want to have sex with me again (I can’t say I really blame her, I’d probably feel the same way…). So she wants me to sleep around so that at least she can compare herself to other women (ie. If I still have this problem with other women, then she wouldn’t feel so bad about it).

*Conclusion*
I guess there are a few things here that I would like to know:
-	What do you guys think about the situation? Should I really go date/sleep around to see if it’s just an issue with my partner?
-	How do I get myself to relax more in bed so that I don’t just concentrate on trying to reach an orgasm as fast as possible and actually try to enjoy what’s happening?
-	What are you supposed to think about when having sex?
-	How long is it supposed to take for a man to orgasm during sex? How about a woman?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO I think its possible you overthink your orgasm and if you are able to have one or not. In other words it seems to be Psychological, you're trying to hard. 

As far as your g/f goes, make that 6 month break permanent. She doesn't seem to be very understanding if she tells you to get out because you can't have a orgasm. She even told you when you don't have a orgasm it makes her feel awful about herself, so she is dependent on you to orgasm. So guess what that means, if you can't have one, chances are she will want to keep having these breaks, so dump her. Yes, go out meet some new people.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe your g/f is the reason WHY you can't seem to finish sometimes? She seems kind of demanding and her happiness comes from being able to make a man orgasm, and if you can't do that she gets upset. :scratchhead:

The red flag is right in front of you. I would go out without people, See how things go when you have sex with others. This is the first person you have had sex with, so of course you are going to want someone who is understanding, not someone who starts to cry or scolds you because you can't finish, that would be damaging to anyone's sex drive.


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## JubbaNyama (Jan 30, 2012)

I understand where you guys are coming from, but I think I forgot to mention one important thing. To her the sex is not a relationship ending deal. Ever since I've been with her I've always taken longer to orgasm and sometimes I wouldn't even be able to. She was perfectly fine with it and never gave me any scolding for it.

It's only recently because of what happened in the past year with me being a useless bum and neglecting her PLUS the sex that I think pushed her overboard...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

JubbaNyama said:


> I understand where you guys are coming from, but I think I forgot to mention one important thing. To her the sex is not a relationship ending deal. Ever since I've been with her I've always taken longer to orgasm and sometimes I wouldn't even be able to. She was perfectly fine with it and never gave me any scolding for it.
> 
> It's only recently because of what happened in the past year with me being a useless bum and neglecting her PLUS the sex that I think pushed her overboard...


If she can't get past the things that used to be, and see that you are now improving your life , then you still need to move on without her. Its called forgiveness and if she can't do it, then you in a no win situation. Shes not committed to working things out IMO, if so she wouldn't need this "break" so you can have sex with others. And I would bet money she is out doing the same.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

JubbaNyama said:


> To her the sex is not a relationship ending deal.


No, she just wants to take a 6 month break, and suggests you get sex elsewhere. Doesn't sound like shes in it for the long haul to me. Most people who are in a relationship that they want to work do not suggest those kinds of things. 

Also you need some self esteem. You're not a bum now, and you weren't then. You went through a rough patch, you're over it, you're doing better and trying to move forward. She needs to realize this and concentrate on moving forward with you. If she can not seem to get past what you used to do/not do, then shes not the one for you.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

JubbaNyama said:


> *Conclusion*
> I guess there are a few things here that I would like to know:
> -	What do you guys think about the situation? Should I really go date/sleep around to see if it’s just an issue with my partner?
> -	How do I get myself to relax more in bed so that I don’t just concentrate on trying to reach an orgasm as fast as possible and actually try to enjoy what’s happening?
> ...


I think your situation is fixable. Although a 6 month break and sex with other people doesn't sound like a very effective plan, unless the goal is to destroy your relationship...
To get yourself to relax try having a few alcoholic drinks before sex. If you notice you are concentrating too much, change something (position, rhythm, etc.). The most important thing is removing the pressure you feel to finish. It's damn hard to accept sometimes but you don't have to orgasm every single time you have sex. 
I don't know what you are supposed to think about when having sex but it helps if it's sexy. I find sex is generally best when there isn't much thinking going on beyond a simple observational self-narrative (I think to myself, "godamn her little x looks hot with my big Y jammed in it". Anything more complicated gets distracting).
How long it takes to orgasm varies wildly, even in individuals. I don't know if anyone has ever really done a scientifically rigorous experiment to determine what is "normal", but in my experience anything over about 10 minutes starts becoming an issue for the other person unless they are really into the moment or are intentionally keeping you from finishing. I think my personal fastest was around 30 seconds, longest was several hours.

Also, buy lube.


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## JubbaNyama (Jan 30, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate it.

I think the past year+ was really tough for her, and this 6 month break is my chance to show her if I've really changed or not.

I think the dating around is her way of seeing if I have the same issues in bed with someone else, and also by meeting/dating other women, it's also her way of seeing if I'm just trying to save this relationship out of convenience or if I really do love her. She said at the end of the day, if I date around and still only want to come home to her, then she will know I really love her and then we can figure out something about the sex.

Before everything went downhill, our relationship really was amazing. There were absolutely no trust issues and she never even looked at another guy before. We live together, have a home together, and have 2 dogs together and I know 100% she has never cheated on me before.

At the moment, she does tell me because she is so horny and that I can't perform in bed she wants to sleep with someone else. I told her I don't know if I would be okay knowing that she has slept with someone else. The guy she is talking to that she met online and that she really likes is half way around the world so I don't think that will happen any time soon.

I'm just dying to figure out how to solve the bed issue. Before I never had a problem getting hard, the problem was only taking too long to orgasm, not orgasming at all, or losing erection once in a while during sex. It seems to have gotten a lot worse though the past few weeks. Last night she was trying to give me a BJ and I couldn't even get hard at all (but to be fair the mood was not there at all as we were talking about me not performing in bed just a few minutes before). I just worry so much about sex now that I don't know what to do any more. I feel as though I will never be able to have sex with anyone because of what is happening now...

I also think for her, she just has a really hard time getting over the problem of if I can't orgasm or stay hard then I must not be attracted to her. She says feels terrible about herself and doesn't know what I want her to do. Are there any tips/suggestions for how to help her cope with this?

I really think if I could perform in bed our situation would not be nearly as bad as they are now. As for the few alcoholic drinks before sex, I thought it makes it even harder for men to perform?


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The problem as I see is you are putting way to much pressure on yourself to preform,first it was orgasm and now that stress has led to you not being able to get hard. You need to remember sex should be FUN along with all the other stuff.If you know that she orgasms so quick give her her off then pull out let her give you a HJ or BJ until you are very very close then start again with the intercourse.

If your girl wants to sleep with others its not because of you in bed,it because you are having relationship problems and you need to sit down and talk and see if she really wants to be with you after 6 months.

You need to get out and start dating yourself and keep doing things to improve yourself just because you want to and not just for her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JubbaNyama said:


> ... she suggested a 6 month break. Since then she has been talking to someone she met online that she tells me she likes but is not sure what she wants from him.


She wants sex. That is obvious. Women in relationships don't suggest breaks unless they have another option in mind. If you give her permission to have sex with others, it won't take her long to do it.



JubbaNyama said:


> She would always orgasm first (sometimes multiple times) and then I would orgasm after. ... If I had to put a time on it, I would say the foreplay roughly lasts around 3-5 minutes or so on average, and the actual penetrative sex is about 1-2 minutes before she orgasms. As for me, it will usually take about 3-4 minutes before I can orgasm. This is an issue because once she orgasms, there is a specific time window where she is still wet and still able to have sex before it becomes uncomfortable for her.


You are not abnormal. Your girlfriend is unusually orgasmic. Most women require a hell of a lot more attention than 3 minutes of foreplay followed by 1 minute of vaginal sex in order to orgasm. Because most women take longer, most men have trouble lasting long enough for their partners to orgasm.

So stop worrying. If it takes you a whopping 10 minutes to orgasm, just relax and let it happen. If your girlfriend has trouble with lubrication, use some lube. Big deal.



JubbaNyama said:


> ... I told her I’m sorry for being so useless and not being able to satisfy such a simple need of hers, and that I would understand if she wanted to have sex with other guys because I probably would not have wanted to have sex with myself after that performance.


No offense, but that's pathetic. I know it's heat of the moment, but a sniveling heap of jelly is not attractive to any woman. I'm not at all surprised that she suggested being roommates after that.



JubbaNyama said:


> My partner is absolutely amazing. I’m still completely in love with her after all these years, and I find her to be unbelievably attractive (so attractive in fact that I think she is out of my league).


That is called Oneitis. You believe that she is the best woman on Earth and the only person who could ever possibly make you happy. You're wrong on both counts. If this girl doesn't work out, you can find another one and be happy. And to make matters worse, women generally don't like men who act like lovestruck teenagers mooning over Justin Bieber. Man up.

I recommend that you date other people. By not marrying and not having kids, you are each making the conscious choice of not committing to each other. So start acting like you're not committed. Have sex with others. I can practically guarantee that these other women will not be ready to wrap up the sex after 5 minutes (including foreplay). Play the field. If you want to date your roommate along with others, that's fine.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you may want to do some research on sex/making love/f*cking. 5 minutes of foreplay with most women will NOT cut it, much less 2 to 5 minutes of actual intercourse.

It may be too late with your wife; she may have checked out already, and for reasons other than just the sex. But for the benefit of your future partners, you may want to do some educating on techniques you can use. Every woman is different, but if you have some ideas of things to try when the clothes start to fly, it will serve you well.

With my STBXW, we had a pretty "standard" routine. Oral (and fingers) on her till she had an orgasm, then intercourse (for me, or for both of us), and then another round of oral for her if she wanted. We might mix things up with a massage for her first before I started following my hands with my mouth, we might very occasionally use a toy, switch up positions, etc.

With my current GF, it seems like everything is different every time. For us, a quickie is about an hour, from the time the clothes come off to finishing. We've got toys (for both of us), a water-proof blanket... We might read some erotic stories, we might watch some porn, I might talk dirty to her as I tease her... Teasing is a big part of our sex play, as well... We'll sometimes go a couple days even when we're both very horny just to heighten the experience. But if I can get her to beg for me to give her more while we're playing, I'm pretty proud of myself.

My apologies if this is all stuff you'd like to be trying, and it's your wife who doesn't want to. But it seems from your post that she wasn't happy with what she was getting from you sexually.

C


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## Humongulous (Jan 28, 2012)

Are you still using porn? If so, you could have porn-induced Erectile Dysfunction. See Porn induced sexual dysfunction is a growing problem. Definitely STOP using porn.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dude, honestly three to five minutes to orgasm is not long at all.

The ONLY reason she`s suggesting you go out and get some strange is because she either has some strange of her own lined up or she`s already got some.

She wants to ease her conscience and/or make her fooling around "ok".

Don`t fall for it.

You`re having ED problems because you put waaaay too much mental pressure on yourself to give this girl what you think she wants.


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## JubbaNyama (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm not sure if I over-exagerrated the times for orgasm, but I don't think so. I mean I've never actually taken out a stopwatch to time it, but just going from what I think is right. Her favorite position is to be on top with my back against the back of the bed. Depending on how horny or turned on she is she really can orgasm very fast.

I'm also not sure about the dating around thing. On one hand what she says makes sense, she has no one to compare herself to and if she did then at least it wouldn't make her feel so bad. On the other hand I do wish she would just help me work through this...

She has mentioned before that I'm not very good at teasing her. Any tips on that? 

I have not touched porn or masturbated since this whole 6 month break thing happened, which was about 1+ months ago. I am definitely focusing on improving myself for myself though and just trying to make up for the lost ground in the past year.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Married Man Sex Life


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

JubbaNyama said:


> First a quick background about my partner and I: *We are engaged* and have been together for 8+ years now. *We both do not believe in the idea of marriage* and we both do not want kids. We live together and get along great but due to some issues (which I will explain below), we are now on a 6 month break. She is the first partner I’ve ever had but I am not the first for her. We are both in our 30s.
> 
> *Conclusion*
> I guess there are a few things here that I would like to know:
> ...


Curious as to why you said you were 'engaged', but neither you, nor your partner believe in marriage?

I think that your partner encouraging a six-month break for you to go out and get some experience, is likely just a cover-up for her to be able to go out and be with others.

You are concentrating a lot on the physical aspects of the relationship - maybe because those are the parts that are the most important and in the forefront of your mind. But, does she have the same perception? Perhaps she has a need to want to be with someone else who could better meet the needs she has to feel important and desirable - and that involves more than the sex, it involves your actions outside of sex. Such as the year you checked out of the relationship by being that 'lazy ass bum', as you called it, was more of a catalyst for the current situation.

If I were you, I think I'd take her up on the 6 month offer and get yourself in order. Why did you take a year off from work? What was going on at that time? I'd try and get myself mentally and emotionally back on track, if I were you, before I'd worry about anything else.

Best wishes.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Married Man Sex Life


:iagree:

Yes you can learn to become a better lover, everybody can. "The Guide to Getting It On" is one good book, but there are many others. My wife and I rarely cum at the same time. She goes first about 75% of the time then we switch to a position that is good for me. However, I am not sure this is the root of the problem. This all started with your "lazy bum" stage. To find out the effect this had on her go to MMSL and read the "Married Man Sex Life Primer." I can almost guarantee you this is the problem. 

BTW, do you give her oral? I presume she is not multi-orgasmic.

AND...personal opinion here...I think marriage does matter. If you were married I think there would not be a "six month break" here but a motivation to work things out. It requires a different level of commitment...or at least it has for us (39 years married).


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JubbaNyama said:


> I'm also not sure about the dating around thing. On one hand what she says makes sense, she has no one to compare herself to and if she did then at least it wouldn't make her feel so bad.


Her statement about an open relationship is truly a red flag for her desiring another partner.
You should at the very least look into it




> She has mentioned before that I'm not very good at teasing her. Any tips on that?


Yes, This I`m good at!

Teasing your lady doesn`t start in the bedroom.
It starts with your first text to her in the morning when you`re apart.
It`s not even sexual exactly at first it`s intimate and loving.
It`s stating your desire for her, letting her know you hate being apart from her in a loving intimate way, not overtly sexual.

It continues when you both see each other.
It`s the way you slip behind her when she`s doing something else and wrap your arms around her and plant light kisses on the back of her neck and again telling her words that state your desire.

It`s the way you can`t pass her in the hallway without touching/kissing her.

It`s how you can`t take your eyes off her when she`s changing in the bedroom.

It`s the way you do things for her, help her with whatever she`s trying to accomplish.

This progresses all day and gets more and more sexual by bedtime.

In bed it continues, if you go down on her take a long time to get between her legs kissing licking, when you get there don`t get her off, get her close but back off, then go back to it and back off again.

Don`t just enter her when you begin intercourse, tease her rubbing your penis between her legs for a minute or two while kissing her.

Don`t give it to her until she is ready to force you to give it to her.

When she`s ready to get off don`t let her, break the rhythm she needs for orgasm once or twice before letting her get off.
Make it last longer.



> I have not touched porn or masturbated since this whole 6 month break thing happened, which was about 1+ months ago. I am definitely focusing on improving myself for myself though and just trying to make up for the lost ground in the past year.


I`m not anti-porn at all but I think laying off of it is a good idea until you fix this ED/orgasm problem.

I also second the advice above for Athols MMSL primer.


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## JubbaNyama (Jan 30, 2012)

We are engaged because we liked the idea of showing commitment to each other... but we don't want kids and don't really believe in being tied down or staying in a relationship just because we're married.

Before I just sort of gave up on life the past year, the emotional aspect of the relationship was there. We had a great time, never argued, got along wonderfully, didn't have much drama, life was just good. Then it was sort of a gradual build up, she would tell me once in a while to get my act together and stop being so lazy, but we never had big fights about it so I thought it wasn't a big issue. Then after about a year of that, plus the recent sex issue, it just kind of pushed her over the edge I guess.

She did first suggest a break up about 2 weeks before the 6 month break happened. She said to get a job and stop playing games all day long, and my response was that I would quit gaming "next weekend." Now that I look back it was a pretty stupid answer, if I really wanted to keep her I would have stopped then and there. Guess I'm not the best listener...

I took a break from work cause I just felt lazy and didn't want to do anything. I liked staying home and playing games and that was it.


She has told me since the start of our relationship that she does not like oral. We have tried it 2-3 times during our relationship but she still doesn't like it. I don't know if it's because she's never had anyone that was good and that I suck as well, or if she just genuinely does not like oral. She is definitely multi-orgasmic, she usually comes 2-3 times during intercourse.

The suggestions for teasing sounds like fun  I will definitely give some of those a try if I get the opportunity. And I will also check out the MMSL Primer.


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