# Left by a bodybuilder



## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10. We have both been faithful and honest. The past few months he has done his 2nd contest prep. If you do not know what I mean, he diets extremely and works out constantly. This makes him reclusive and irritable and with no sex drive at all. He has been very distant but I chalked it all up to the prep. He finished his contest about 1 week after my 3rd miscarriage which happened about 2 weeks ago.
The other day I came home for lunch and he told me we needed to talk. He said he was moving out and that he had felt this way forr a long time. He said it was not the prep that made him so distant but his loss of "Being in love" with me. 
We have gone through rough patches and have temporarily separated before (days). 
I told him when we got married that I was in this for better or worse. The miscarriages and prep have definItely fallen in the worse category. 
I have been extremely depressed since the 2nd miscarriage and the 3rd was even worse. He offered me no consolation during the process and again I thought it was the prep. We have been trying to have a baby for over a year. 
When he announced that he was filing for divorce, I was completely shocked. 
I have a generalized anxiety disorder and adult ADHD. He does not like me to be medicated, and with the pregnancies I agreed.
I have been awake for days with maybe 2 hours of sleep. I haven't eaten anything other than crackers and only had water and tea. According to the scale, I have lost around 5-7 pounds. I am not complaining about losing weight but I don't think I can close my eyes. The sleep I have received in the past days has been very forced, or either an accident (I woke up sitting on my couch without realizing I had even closed my eyes. I honestly think I may have passed out.) When I have awoken from these "naps", I feel an instant rush of terror and rerealiztion that all of this is indeed real and happening to me / us.
I have seen a therapist that I trust very much. The first session was today and my husband was invited to come if he wanted to save the marriage. He didn't show.
Basically, I have had all the signs throughout our marriage but we have both clinging to something that wasn't there. Our desire for one another has been there from day 1. Lately he has wanted me less, again chalked up to the prep. 
My whole life for the past 10 years has revolved around him and our life together. I have never imagined myself as not being his wife.
I think I understand what happened, but I am having a very hard time getting through this. He won't talk to me so I have no insight into there ever being a reconciliation or closure (besides the papers). Is there anything I can say to make him open up to me? I am very rational and composed (for the most part.) I have told him that I am seeing the therapist without him and that I am always here to talk. I completely want to respect his space and have attempted minimal contact (maybe2 texts and I email). Is there anything else can I say?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"We have both been faithful and honest. " you sure?

"his loss of "Being in love" with me. "

this sounds like ILYBINILWY (I love you, but I'm not IN love with you), which is on page one of the cheater's script. It's detachment from the spouse, onto someone else.

this, plus lots of time in the gym, stressful real life stuff at home, and narcissistic personality (never met a modest bodybuilder), many times adds up to an affair

have you checked? check his phone for texts, email accounts for communications, ask anyone in the gym if he is handsy or kissy with anyone there, etc

sorry you are going through this


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

Today was the due date of our second baby that I lost.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

Yes. I am sure he hasn't cheated on me. He has moved out and taken a of his electronics with him. This was his 1st bodybuilding competition. He has always been honest and humble.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

uscgal18

1- Go see a Doctor. Get medication to control your adult ADHD, anxiety, and sleeping problems. Get these things under control so that you are calm and level-headed.

2- GET SOME SLEEP. This is really, really important. You need plenty of rest, especially after a miscarriage.

3- Give your soon-to-be-ex the gift of missing you. Instead of "always being there to talk," actively take steps to NOT "be there to talk." If he needs to get ahold of you, make him have to put some effort into contacting you. Don't return calls or answer texts and emails immediately. Give yourself several hours to think before you respond.

Basically, do the "180" on him. But do the 180 for YOU, to help you get better.

4- Honest, humble bodybuilders are indeed rare men. But the world is filled with rare men. Get yourself better. Get yourself away from this particular rare man. Find another rare man with good qualities who will treat you better and who will be there to face life's challenges with you as a partner, rather than as a side hobby while he engages in musclebound self-love.

I know life seems really lousy right now, but you can make it through to a better stretch of living. Its just going to take some time and work on your part.

Best get started!


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I got a little more sleep last night but I woke up again with the panic and fear. 
You are right about trying to give him less availability. I have been extremely accommodating throughout our relationship. 
Again, I am seeing a very qualified therapist to help me with this stuff as well. I definitely need to see a nutritionist ASAP, but with it being a holiday weekend I doubt anything will happen until the middle of the week. I have a great family doctor who is also a friend that works in conjunction with my therapist on my medication. The plan is to restart taking the medications that my husband never thought I truly needed. Again, with it being a holiday weekend I have to wait it out for a few days.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have to agree about bodybuilders being arrogant and self centered. I've known a few and they're all like that.

Don't discount an affair, it's very possible his finding someone new spurred his leaving.
Either way it sounds like this marriage has been very one sided, you're better off without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Do not call him, text him, or jump to answer his calls or texts. Wait.

What is your social life like? Do you have friends? 

What about your own physical appearance? Do your exercise at all? 

Being in IC is good. That will help you cope. Use the IC for all the talk about the separation and divorce stuff. Have fun with friends so they are not overwhelmed with your problems.

What about finances? Are you able to pay your bills? Who pays for everything now? Were you underwriting his bodybuilding dreams?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

When my Ex-wife first left I too would wak in the middle of the night in a panic: breathing hard, heart pounding, etc. I had a constant metallic taste in my mouth. Couldn't eat, lost 18 lbs in three weeks. Had a constant tightness in my abdomen.

It was general anxiety. My body was in fight or flight mode and there was absolutely nothing I could do to shut that reaction off. Even on good days mentally, my body was just tense, as if facing life and death.

My doctor put me on Effexor, an antidepressant/anti-anxiety drug. That helped tremendously. It took the edge off just enough so that my body could relax. I still had to deal with all the mental stuff in IC and on my own, but the anti-depressant shut off that fight or flight response and allowed me some space to start building a new life and not be focused on the physical pain. I got off of them after about 6-7 months of use. I'm glad I took them for that time.

It sounds like you are having serious issues with anxiety right now and that is not at all uncommon when a spouse leaves like this. You see it here all the time. Consider talking to your doctor. Steer clear of the quick fix stuff like Xanax. That's just booze in a pill and won't really help keep the fight or flight thing down more permanently.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

uscgal18 said:


> Yes. I am sure he hasn't cheated on me. He has moved out and taken a of his electronics with him. This was his 1st bodybuilding competition. He has always been honest and humble.


how are you sure? because he told you he wasn't? come on.

do you have access to the cell phone bills online? call the provider if your name is still on the account and get access. Check for frequently called or texted numbers.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> how are you sure? because he told you he wasn't? come on.
> 
> do you have access to the cell phone bills online? call the provider if your name is still on the account and get access. Check for frequently called or texted numbers.


Alright guys, I don't know how to stress this enough. He is not seeing someone else. I might have been blind to some things but I do know that he isn't a liar. He also has 0 know-how with women. I know you may all say that it sounds like he has been cheating but he hasn't and I really feel like this is doing more harm than help because everyone keeps saying it and everyone is wrong. Sorry, but I do know this as a fact.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I was on a long term medication like effexor. I hated the side effects when it was quitting time. I know that no medicine will take away the issues it just helps me be able to cope. I have used xanax off and on for several years and it bas helped immensely. I know what dosage I should take and when I do and don't need it. It is just a crutch like any other medicine. Especially if used correctly. 

I just want to know when the panic will end. I mean waking up and immediately bursting into tears is the worst! It sets up the rest of my day or the next period of time all wrong. It is a huge downer and sets an immediate pattern for my thoughts to follow. It's very negative and I have obviously had enough negativity throughout the past year.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

Of course my physical appearance isn't up to his. I am overweight but I know that under this bit of fat I have, I am extremely pretty. I work out often but I have bad eating habits. I have already contacted a weight loss center to get help with this the right way. I actually called today and I should have done it years ago. 

I have really really great friends and family. I have an awesome support system and so many people I can turn to. Honestly I have even talked to his cousin a bit and his parents. That may sound crazy to some people, but for the past decade they have been my family too. His brother has become my brother. His mom has become a mother to me. I am going to miss all of them. They have been mostly very helpful an understanding. I have never called them to ask for their help in getting to him in any way, just their understanding and help in my understanding.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

As far as bills go, we have separate accounts and have designated payments that he makes and that I make. The only financial problem is our home. We just moved in about 1 year ago and we have done a lot of renovation. I really like this house. I liked it before but now it is pretty awesome. Ha. I just cannot stay here. I can barely walk into our bedroom or down the hall without feeling desperate. J am basically living in the den with my dog. (Yes I said MY dog.) When we got her, she came from a family member whose dog had a litter. My grandmother (who died shortly after) wanted me to have this dog and she is mine. I don't think he would argue this at all.
We will be able to make this pretty simple as far as financials are concerned. (Hopefully)


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I am very successful as is he. We both own our own businesses that don't involve the other. If I wanted, I could buy the house from him and stay here. Doubt that will happen but we shall see. I do have the opportunity with my business to take time off. It won't completely fall apart without me. I think that once I get my head on straight I'd like to go somewhere else for a few months. I did this before we married. I moved to Alaksa (I am from the Southern US). It did me a lot of good. I hope I get the chance to do it again. This way I can test the waters in a new place and get to know myself again. I can get a fresh start and figure out what I really want. I'm not going to make any big decisions too soon, but I do have some ideas.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not sleeping and eating well are hallmarks for people going through what you are going through. The miscarriages make it even worse.

Even a person who has no AD/HD or any other issue like this would be having a very hard time right now. If you get the life situation under control, your AD/HD and other issues will be a lot easier to handle. 

This is a time in your life when you have to take care of yourself very well. Focus on YOU. Focus on eating healthy, getting sleep and calling in your support system.

If you cannot eat much right now, find a few things that you really like that are very nutritious and have them around. While not my favorite food, it keep a good protein power in my pantry. I mix it with ground golden flax seed. Sometimes I blend it with frozen fruit for a slushy/soft-serve type thing. I can always get this down. And a small serving goes a long way.

The other important thing you can do for your health and wellbeing right now is to get the sleep under control. Have you tried Melatonin? It’s a natural sleep aid that works very well.

What kind of support system do you have? Friends? Family? Find one or two people who you trust and can talk to. Ask them if you can call them when you start to have anxiety and feel like you are falling apart. 

What activities do you do? Start scheduling something to do with friends, that way you have things to look forward to. If you feel that you need to make more friends and find new things to spend your time doing, check out the site Find your people - Meetup

And by the way {{{{{{ HUGS }}}}} Sometimes life just sucks.


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

It's at least an EA, but with a testosterone filled beef cafe, it's probably a PA. Run away from this guy. He may come back after he gets out of the fog, may take a couple of months. You must move on as if the relationship has ended. Don't hang on, self pity and be at his beckon call. It looks pathetic being his door mat and your better than that. I did that crap when my wife left, pleaded, cleaned her car weekly, cleaned the house, did all the chores and I think she just lost respect for me more. She came back home after renting an apt for 6 months, half way into the lease she returned home for 1-2 months but dropped bomb #2 and bolted again. She sucked me back in and spit my out again. Whatever distance I was trying to get from her to better help myself cope and overcome was gone and I had to start over. I am about 3 weeks into post d-day 2 and it still sucks but I will make it through and so will you. It just takes time. Sorry you are going through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uscgal18 said:


> I was on a long term medication like effexor. I hated the side effects when it was quitting time. I know that no medicine will take away the issues it just helps me be able to cope. I have used xanax off and on for several years and it bas helped immensely. I know what dosage I should take and when I do and don't need it. It is just a crutch like any other medicine. Especially if used correctly.
> 
> *I just want to know when the panic will end. I mean waking up and immediately bursting into tears is the worst!* It sets up the rest of my day or the next period of time all wrong. It is a huge downer and sets an immediate pattern for my thoughts to follow. It's very negative and I have obviously had enough negativity throughout the past year.


The best advice I ever got about depression, panic, etc is that sometimes the way to get rid of them is to just go right though the middle of it and experience it. 

You know that your mind is going to do this right now. It's doing it because your in a fight/flight state. Your very heart is being threatened. While you are awake you can push it down. But when you are asleep you guard goes down. then you wake up and have to fight it again and push it back down.

So for a while do not fear the panic and the crying. You need to feel this in order to deal with it. It's not comfortable, I know, but let it flow. Cry all you need to . They crying produces brain chemicals that will clam you. IF you need beat up some pillows, scream, let it out.

You have every right to feel the way you do so don't fight it.

.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

The panic will end when you get to the underlying fear. Panic attacks are about fear usually. What are you afraid of so badly and why? Your IC can help you with this immensely. I still had anxiety even while on Effexor, and yes it was very difficult coming off of so I understand why would not want to take an anti-depressant (but it was better coming off than the panic attacks). Effexor didn't really change my moods or alter me mentally at all. In that regard it was not really like what I have heard about other anti-depressants that make a person "feel" bland. It was purely about the physical pain I could do nothing about (booze would have worked too, but I knew better, I went to AA to keep from it, and worked the 12 steps...best decision I ever made...I'm not alcoholic, but they helped me more than I can say through their discipline). Anyway, the panic attacks won't end till you have really dealt with the underlying fears. And EleGirl is right, you have to just work through them. Don't fight it. Don't fear them. You have to feel it, it's the only way really.

Yeah get on top of your physical health. Good for you! 

Do you have any hobbies, anything you'd like to learn to do? Places to which you'd like to travel? What do you do with your free time? Are you sitting around the house a lot? 

As far as the house, I redecorated entirely when my ex left. I recommend it. It will change the feel of your place, give you something to do for a while as well.

And take his stuff, put it in boxes, and put it all in the garage. Packing up his stuff can be therapeutic. It was for me. Redecorating, packing up the ex's things, and getting some new furniture might help with the feeling in the house. 

Your house might feel huge with you all alone it. My 2-bedroom apartment did when she first left. You'll grow into it though. You'll fill it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Rarely in the beginning when one person leaves is the full honest story revealed, blameshifting and ever encompassing general statements is usually what you get. Just keep an open mind to any scenario and don’t dwell of what he said for now. 

I guess I will ask the most obvious question since he is a bodybuilder, is he taking steroids or all sorts of weird supplements? These can reek havoc on normal body chemistry and what you described are classic side effects of steroids. 

The two of you are going thru several different stressors right now with the miscarriages and everything going on. First you need to take care of yourself. I actually find it rather odd he didn’t want you on medications. During the pregnancies I can understand but that really that is a decision that should be between you and your doctor. 

Your lack of sleep unfortunately is a common side effect. You must eat also and you will have to probably force yourself to eat again the loss of appetite is common. Waking up with panic and fear isn’t uncommon or being awakened my nightmares when you do actually sleep.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I ate a very small apportioned dinner tonight and I feel like it was a success. My friend took me out knowing that I needed to eat and be distracted. I know I will want to eat meals eventually and I am hoping I can relearn how to eat because I have such horrible habits. Thanks for the food suggestion. I can eat some things like a small amount of cheese with crackers. Tonight I had grilled chicken rice and beans. Yes it was only a few bites of each item but it was more than enough for me.
My support system consists of my very close-knit family and two or three very good friends. My best friend is actually a dug addiction counselor, so she is really helpful. These people are all only a phone call away. They will and have put their holiday activities on hold to help me for as long as I need them.
I do want to start planning activities, but want to see what my counceling and weight loss appointments may be like before I begin to create any social plans.
Thanks for the hugs. I need those a ton! (& haven't had one from anyone in so long)


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The best advice I ever got about depression, panic, etc is that sometimes the way to get rid of them is to just go right though the middle of it and experience it.
> 
> You know that your mind is going to do this right now. It's doing it because your in a fight/flight state. Your very heart is being threatened. While you are awake you can push it down. But when you are asleep you guard goes down. then you wake up and have to fight it again and push it back down.
> 
> ...



The past few days I have tried crying through it. My best friend suggested that I take time (immediately after he left) to sit & let my feelings wash over me. I did. I am often.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I have hobbies that I have put aside for too long. I plan on doing all of the things he ignored my requests for. I plan on travelling more. I have been all over the world but of course there is always more to discover.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

honcho said:


> Rarely in the beginning when one person leaves is the full honest story revealed, blameshifting and ever encompassing general statements is usually what you get. Just keep an open mind to any scenario and don’t dwell of what he said for now.
> 
> I guess I will ask the most obvious question since he is a bodybuilder, is he taking steroids or all sorts of weird supplements? These can reek havoc on normal body chemistry and what you described are classic side effects of steroids.
> 
> ...



He is and always has been a natural bodybuilder. No steroids or any other enhancements beyond pre-work out energy drinks.

He always told me he didn't like the way the medicines masked my personality and feelings. I guess he didn't like my real personality or feelings without them either.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Not sleeping and eating well are hallmarks for people going through what you are going through. The miscarriages make it even worse.
> 
> Even a person who has no AD/HD or any other issue like this would be having a very hard time right now. If you get the life situation under control, your AD/HD and other issues will be a lot easier to handle.
> 
> ...



Almost forgot, I am kind of afraid to take any sleep aids right now. I take melatonin or some other mild pm medication often. But I feel like there is a chance they could make me literally pass out. I am sleeping on the couch since the idea of being in our huge bed alone is terrifying. I don't want to pass out or be intensely unconscious without someone around who could check on me.
I did get around 4 hours last night so I feel much better about that and I have hope that eventually I can return to normal sleeping habits. 
I also think it would help me sleep if I could turn out my lights. Right now, I am feeling an honest fear of the dark. I know it is irrational but I can't explain it. I see our dark rooms and must brighten them. Maybe I am afraid they will disappear too.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

List the bed on Craigslist tonight for sale. Use the proceeds toward a new one. Repaint the bedroom. Sell the nightstands and whatever else reminds you of him. Get new stuff...new or new used. Just new to the home.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

Arendt said:


> List the bed on Craigslist tonight for sale. Use the proceeds toward a new one. Repaint the bedroom. Sell the nightstands and whatever else reminds you of him. Get new stuff...new or new used. Just new to the home.


I am still not sure if I want to live here anymore. I love this house but I think it might be a good idea to get something on my own. Definitely getting rid of the bed once I decide where I will end up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uscgal18 said:


> Almost forgot, I am kind of afraid to take any sleep aids right now. I take melatonin or some other mild pm medication often. But I feel like there is a chance they could make me literally pass out. I am sleeping on the couch since the idea of being in our huge bed alone is terrifying. I don't want to pass out or be intensely unconscious without someone around who could check on me.
> 
> I did get around 4 hours last night so I feel much better about that and I have hope that eventually I can return to normal sleeping habits.
> 
> I also think it would help me sleep if I could turn out my lights. Right now, I am feeling an honest fear of the dark. I know it is irrational but I can't explain it. I see our dark rooms and must brighten them. Maybe I am afraid they will disappear too.


Melatonin is the hormone that our body makes to regulate sleep. It will not make you pass out or intensely unconscious. 

Having lights on at night is a problem. Your body needs to produce it's own melatonin to make you sleepy. It's won't produce what you need as long as the lights are on.

I found that having a dog helps with the empty house thing .. though this might not be the time to get one.

Maybe playing some music might help the house feel more full?


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Melatonin is the hormone that our body makes to regulate sleep. It will not make you pass out or intensely unconscious.
> 
> Having lights on at night is a problem. Your body needs to produce it's own melatonin to make you sleepy. It's won't produce what you need as long as the lights are on.
> 
> ...


I actually got about 6 hours of sleep last night. I didn't need to take anything.
I have a dog. She is mine. We got her together but it has ways been clear that she is mine. She isn't taking this well either but at least we have each other.
I played some music for a bit yesterday and it did help. Maybe I will do that again.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

Today I got a manicure and pedicure. I drove myself, which is an improvement. Still not eating much and I am down 10 lbs. I'm ok with the weight loss.
I took down the pictures of he and I. I have my wedding portrait out but that is because it is a great picture of me. He isn't it. 
Did some laundry but don't want to put it away in my room. I'd rather just keep wearing what I have out than spend time in that room. Overall, I am ok today.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uscgal18 said:


> Today I got a manicure and pedicure. I drove myself, which is an improvement. Still not eating much and I am down 10 lbs. I'm ok with the weight loss.
> I took down the pictures of he and I. I have my wedding portrait out but that is because it is a great picture of me. He isn't it.
> Did some laundry but don't want to put it away in my room. I'd rather just keep wearing what I have out than spend time in that room. Overall, I am ok today.


Just an idea:

Hire someone to completely redo that room so that it looks like a diff room completely.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I actually slept in the bed for about 2 hours. My dog begged to go upstairs to bed. She has always slept in our bed. I gave in because I was tired enough to shut my brain off. It worked.

He just texted me to say he would be here early in the morning to get some more of his things and that we could talk later in the day. I have an appointment with my therapist so we will have to see how it goes. I mainly want to talk so we can both see where this went wrong and we can be happier in New relationships. I know it is over. I wish I could save it, but it isn't going to happen.


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

So he is coming by in the morning to get some of his furniture. I asked him about other things that he left (suits baseball cards, posters, etc.) He said he had forgotten about most of those and he sent me a list of other things he wants to get. I said fine. I can get new things and I can avoid an argument.
I packed up his clothes and left him boxes for his baseball cards and posters and other things. I wrote him a note that said where the boxes of his things are (I am not caring them downstairs.) The note also asks him to take his "body building food" and to leave me the keys. I left his mail with the note. 
After that I texted him and told him there was a not about things on the table and to bring his keys. He immediately started talking about having the house appraised and deciding what I owe him. I told him that we do not need to be talking about that yet. We are going to talk on Tuesday about things in general but I told him we would have to work out the specifics later. And by later I mean with lawyers. I don't want him telling me what I have to do legally or financially until I talk with a lawyer. I didn't say any of the lawyer stuff but just that we could talk about general things but he was getting too specific at the moment. He said that he assumed I meant that I was staying by wanting him to give me keys. 
I know legally I cannot keep him from this house while he still is part owner. So I told him that since I live here right now and he doesn't that I just don't think it is unreasonable to ask for them. It shouldn't be. I think he has agreed but we shall see. Eventually I will get the locks changed if I stay. 
On another note I picked out some paint choices for my bedroom and will ask some friends and family for their opinions on them. I know what kind of bedroom suit I want too. If I stay then I will have it here. If I move then it will be great for a new place too. I have plans for staying so hopefully it will work out. Going to have to talk with my accountant first to make sure I should try taking this on alone. I am pretty sure I can do it, especially if my parents consigned, which they are willing to do.
Things are just moving very quickly. He just left Wed. I guess I just don't want to drag my feet if this is happening for real.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

uscgal18 said:


> So he is coming by in the morning to get some of his furniture. I asked him about other things that he left (suits baseball cards, posters, etc.) He said he had forgotten about most of those and he sent me a list of other things he wants to get. I said fine. I can get new things and I can avoid an argument.
> 
> I packed up his clothes and left him boxes for his baseball cards and posters and other things. I wrote him a note that said where the boxes of his things are (I am not caring them downstairs.) The note also asks him to take his "body building food" and to leave me the keys. I left his mail with the note.
> After that I texted him and told him there was a not about things on the table and to bring his keys. He immediately started talking about having the house appraised and deciding what I owe him. I told him that we do not need to be talking about that yet. We are going to talk on Tuesday about things in general but I told him we would have to work out the specifics later. And by later I mean with lawyers. I don't want him telling me what I have to do legally or financially until I talk with a lawyer. I didn't say any of the lawyer stuff but just that we could talk about general things but he was getting too specific at the moment. He said that he assumed I meant that I was staying by wanting him to give me keys.


Good, I agree. I sounds like he wants to dictate the outcome of the divorce. Sounds like you are not going to just roll over on this. 

My guess is that you want to talk about the relationship. He just wants to talk about getting a quick divorce with all the things he dictates in it. I don’t think this conversation on Tuesday is going to go well. Be prepared to stop the discussion if he tries to focus on divorce details.

There is nothing wrong with the two of you negotiating about the divorce. But you need to be ready to do that and you need to feel like you have an equal say in it.


uscgal18 said:


> I know legally I cannot keep him from this house while he still is part owner. So I told him that since I live here right now and he doesn't that I just don't think it is unreasonable to ask for them. It shouldn't be. I think he has agreed but we shall see. Eventually I will get the locks changed if I stay.


He has moved out and is removing his things. So yes you can keep him out. He becomes the landlord (and only 50% landlord at that). When you see an attorney this is a topic to discuss. Establish that the house is your residence and he has a different legal residence.

If he balks at giving you his key, ask for a key to the place he’s living. Fair is fair after all. 

Get him to change his address to the place he’s staying at. One thing that establishes the house as his legal residence is that he’s getting mail there. So send his mail to his new address. If he will not change his address, write return to sender and note his new address on every piece of mail that comes to your home. If you are ok with this you can even submit a change of address for him on line.


uscgal18 said:


> On another note I picked out some paint choices for my bedroom and will ask some friends and family for their opinions on them. I know what kind of bedroom suit I want too. If I stay then I will have it here. If I move then it will be great for a new place too. I have plans for staying so hopefully it will work out. Going to have to talk with my accountant first to make sure I should try taking this on alone. I am pretty sure I can do it, especially if my parents consigned, which they are willing to do.
> 
> Things are just moving very quickly. He just left Wed. I guess I just don't want to drag my feet if this is happening for real.


It sounds like you are moving forward in a very positive way!!


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Good, I agree. I sounds like he wants to dictate the outcome of the divorce. Sounds like you are not going to just roll over on this.
> 
> My guess is that you want to talk about the relationship. He just wants to talk about getting a quick divorce with all the things he dictates in it. I don’t think this conversation on Tuesday is going to go well. Be prepared to stop the discussion if he tries to focus on divorce details.
> 
> ...


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## uscgal18 (Jul 4, 2014)

I've been having problems with this site. I actually replied to a quote earlier yesterday but it never showed. Now, my replies look like the one above. :-/


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