# I need a seperation



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

DH and I have been married for 13 years, the first 5 were great. Year 5 I went back to school and worked two jobs, because the industry I was in running rampant with layoffs. While I was working and attending classes basically 12-14 hours a day 3 or 4 days a week he hooked up with someone he knew from his past. I found out when the wireless phone bill came and was over $500 for one month. I was shocked, as my ex had cheated on me also and he knew that. DH said he "thought I didn't love him anymore" as I was always gone, of course to me I was trying to make our lives better in the future. I immediately dropped out of school, and returned to my full time job. 

We've done marriage counseling in the past, always meets with the same response he says "yes yes" in the office, and might even do good for awhile and then goes right back to where he was. Our pattern typically runs a cycle of about 6 months--this go along great, then good, then ok, the finally there is an explosion of some type by him when I try to talk. 

My biggest issues with him are not doing the things he says he will do, not treating me with love and respect, and not being a partner but rather takes the position of "child" and expects me to take care of everything. 

Three weeks ago was the "blow up" and he said something to me that he's never said before and it was like the final straw. He said I never do anything for him, biggest lie EVERY. There have been times he hasn't worked, or worked part-time and I have kept the bills paid, food on the table, etc. He's never been told no when he wanted something---a motorcycle, or smaller things. I on the other hand get very little from him--birthdays, anniversary and Christmas are often never even acknowledged. 

So he says he will move out, a few days go by nothing happens. We finally talk that Friday and we agree that him moving out is the best plan--we are stuck. We don't say divorce or anything like that. Within 2 hours he's on FB talking with his 1st ex-wife, then a few days later texting with her. We have a few conversations, and I get really mad about this whole thing with her. And he decides he wants to work on the marriage, but is still going to move out to give us both some "breathing room". He stops talking to her, then all of a sudden Sunday he says he doesn't think he is going to move out that working on this isn't best being apart. 

I need him to go, we need some time apart. I have no idea what will happen, but I need to close that chapter of my life with him. I'm sure he will just move on to someone else and won't put in any effort to save things, but that is an answer in itself for me.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You don't need a separation. You need a divorce.

You know the patterns of your marriage. You are insane to think anything will change for the better.

He does not want to move out because then, he would have to take care of himself. He is a big boy and you have encouraged his behavior during your marriage. By letting him have what he wants, putting up with his cheating and giving up on yourself to make him happy.

Of course you never did anything for him. If you have children you would hear them say this every time, they don't get their way.

Wise up and divorce him. Get him out of the house, out of your life and good ridden. He is a leech. Stop giving in to him.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

If he's got maturity issues, then he needs a wake up call. Insist that he leave, and mean it, then file for divorce. A legal separation is meaningless and comes with all the expense and headache of a divorce anyway, and 95% of separations lead to divorce. In most states, the divorce process takes many months anyway, so that can basically serve as a separation as it is. If you/he change your views in that time, you can easily cancel the divorce and move forward together. If that doesn't happen, then you move forward with the divorce.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your WH sounds spoilt and has no boundaries. You have allowed this to happen. 
What does he do for you exactly?

1. You are trying to better yourself, he whines
2. You do everything for him, it is not enough
3. He cheats on you, you take him back
4. He is all talk but does not follow through


Time for you to move on. File for divorce, you are his 'mama', he should be the leader in your family not a spoilt 'boy' who wants everything his way.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I am certainly making plans, I am going to be gone on a long planned trip during the first part of Sept but once I return he needs to go. I'm worried about leaving town and what he might do if he's mad. This was a trip he was actually supposed to go on, provided he got a list of items done that he had promised he would do over the past 2 years. He basically told me I "set him up" knowing he would not get these things done so that he could go to the beach. That was not my intention at all, the point was for him to complete tasks he had promised to do over the past 2 years. But, by the same point I refused to spend money for vacation for someone who does little around the house. 

We have now split all the bills into our own separate names, everything with the house was already in my name. We no longer have a joint checking account, my check goes to my account and his to his. He's already having trouble keep up managing his account and he only has a few bills to pay. I have to remind myself to NOT just jump in and solve the problem for him. He's already expressed concern over how much his medication is. He had to ask how much his car payment is, how much his take home pay is, when stuff is due, etc. Its like for 13 years he's been living in a bubble. 

As far as what I get, this is a question the marriage counselor often asked me. I never had an answer, a few days ago it came to me. I get to be the victim, which struck me has horrible. I'm not a person who seeks attention, but that's exactly what I have been doing through this relationship. I tell my friends about stuff and they feel sorry for me, they offer advice, etc. I have made an appointment with the counselor as soon as I get back from my trip, I'm going to work on me. Apparently I have more issues than I ever realized.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You now recognize your need to be the victim and that's the first step. Work hard on that because the victim chair is a very comfortable place to stay and it's not so easy to leave. 

You've enabled him to live in a bubble for a long time and he's not going to enjoy rejoining the real world. Put away anything you really care about before leaving for your trip. He wanted to go and now he isn't so nothing's safe if he decides to be vindictive. Why can't he move out before the trip (although as long as you're married he has equal rights to your home so it might not matter whether he moved out as far as access goes -- even if you changed the locks). 

Be careful.


----------



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

He's making no attempt at all to move forward with moving out, in order to move into the apartment complex that he can afford he has to submit an application and get a background check from the local police department. I feel like the only way he will move is if I do all the work for him---which is what totally got us here in the first place. I'm trying hard to conserve my energy and just deal with it when I get back from vacation. I'm sure he is thinking if he doesn't take any action, that things will just continue on like they are. I just feel like I am stuck in limbo.


----------

