# There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will get past this!



## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

This might be long, but I feel it's time to share my story. Short version: caught wife of 17 years with OM. Twins were 4 months old, and oldest kid was 4. After all the trickle truth, lying and denying, ultimately led to the divorce. Never did get the whole story by the way. @Decorum called me out on posting my story, so here it is.

D-Day- yes we know that date, will never forget it. 7-30-15 for me was the day I got suspicious and went through her phone. In 17 years of marriage I cannot think of a time I ever went through her phone before, but I went through it that night because I got a gut feeling from her behavior, and found the texts. They were specific, and were sexual. I was an absolute idiot at the time, and I woke her up and asked her about the texts. She stated it was just someone from work and it was just some banter and meant nothing. During this conversation, she grabbed her phone out of my hand and deleted the convo and again stated it was nothing. (No worries there I had already forwarded the convo to myself).

Just to give the background here, we had twins that were 4 months old, and another child that was 4 years old. She had been off work for "family bonding" time. The texts described sexual activity which occurred the day prior, which is when she told me she was "housesitting" for her work friend that was on vacation.

Obviously at this point I was suspicious, and she knew I was because I gave up to much info too soon. However a few days later she wanted to go out for a birthday party for her girlfriends. She knew I was worried so she sent me some text photos of her with her friends at dinner. What she didn't know is I was watching the find my iphone app. She left the restaurant, then proceeded to drive up a road which I knew was a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. When I saw this, I knew this was it. This is what I consider my D-day, which is 8-4-15. I loaded up my 4 month old twins and 4 year old daughter, and drove to the location...... 

Let me preface that I knew what I was most likely going to find. I was calm. I drove down that road and found her vehicle, and another truck parked next to it. As i pulled up next to the truck, I see her sit up with tits hanging out, dude on top of her. She freaks out. Starts screaming for me to not do anything crazy. Really? 17 years and you think I will do that? Nope, I told her to get dressed and we will talk later. The dude gets up and I told him to go stand at the back of the truck. So funny they both complied with the directions I gave. The highlight was "where is my daughter?" which I said she is right there looking at you through the back window. 

I know this story is long.... but I need to state that after this happened, she begged to keep the family together, that it was just an EA. Even said that she had never seen his penis and they were only making out that night while she was there to break it off since I had found the texts a few days earlier.

The trickle truth and bs over the next month was insane. I wasn't ready for divorce but I wanted to know the truth. I never got it. I told her I needed access to her phone if I was to try to work this out. What she didn't realize is once I looked at her phone, I found history of hotel stays and way more info that she thought was gone. We went to MC and she lied and denied but I showed printouts of the evidence, and she shut down from there and blamed me that I would not stop digging so the relationship was done.

I am telling this story for a few reasons. One, lurking on TAM was a big help to me, seeing that I was not the only one in this situation. Another, for the love of god please do not make the same mistakes I made and confront too early. If you have a gut feeling, STFU and dig!!! Last, I will mention the kids; It absolutely is so hard with kids, like I said my twins were 4 months old when this **** happened. My oldest was 4. I had to stay in the same house with the ex for 1 year waiting for it to sell. It was brutal, I got the brunt of taking care of the kids while she spent her time with OM (once it was all laid out in the open and we were divorcing, she didn't give a **** any more). 

The worst part: When the home sale was near closing, I secured a rental and moved out first. I got to hear from my oldest (4 yo) for the next year about how I was the one who moved out. Nothing will bring you to tears like that.

The main points of my post:
1: I lurked and got so much benefit and help from reading other's stories
2: If you have a gut feeling or get any evidence, keep your mouth shut and dig! Post on TAM, get advice, but do not let on that you know anything or it will go more underground.
3: There is life after divorce! 4 years later and I ended up with a great woman! We married last year. It is wonderful having someone who respects me, loves my kids, and understands the hurts from my past. 

PS: Yes, I did spend the coin and DNA test the kids. They are mine. Funny thing also is once I got ahold of his wife, she did tell me that she knew about it a year and half prior, but she was assured it was over. Also her hubby had a vasectomy, but she thought it was funny that a few months back he was getting his load checked to see if there was any sperm present. 

BTW the OM and his wife split. Ex and OM are probably the 1% of WS that stay together. 4 years later and they just moved in together last month. Will have to see if this lasts.


----------



## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

rdawg said:


> The main points of my post:
> 1: I lurked and got so much benefit and help from reading other's stories
> 2: If you have a gut feeling or get any evidence, keep your mouth shut and dig! Post on TAM, get advice, but do not let on that you know anything or it will go more underground.
> 3: There is life after divorce! 3 years later and I have someone who respects me, loves my kids, and understands the hurts from my past


Sounds to me like the outcome was the same whether you confronted or not.

Once I knew my STBXW was lying to me, I didn't really need the full mind #[email protected]


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My bad for not reading everything.

Imagine willingly being the guy who marries a woman who is banging in a truck on am empty dirt road 4 months after having someone else's twins? Imagine being the women marring a guy who is banging a new mother of 4 months on a dirt road in your truck. Talk about low class trash, they deserve each other.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

attheend02 said:


> Sounds to me like the outcome was the same whether you confronted or not.
> 
> Once I knew my STBXW was lying to me, I didn't really need the full mind #[email protected]


Many posters NEED 100% confirmation. IMO, you are in the small minority of TAM posters who didn’t.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Upfront all waywards go into self preservation mode. They will promise the moon.

Their tears are for themselves at getting caught.

You saved yourself a lot of wasted time/life and a repeat of what you'd already gotten.


----------



## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

attheend02 said:


> Sounds to me like the outcome was the same whether you confronted or not.
> 
> Once I knew my STBXW was lying to me, I didn't really need the full mind #[email protected]


True, the outcome was the same, however the only reason I got into her phone and found more info was because she supposedly wanted to reconcile and let me go through the phone. If I could do it over again, I would have kept my mouth shut and gathered more info. **** who am I kidding if I could have done it over again I would have beat her home, unplugged the garage door opener, double locked the doors and threw her **** out of the upstairs window.



sokillme said:


> My bad for not reading everything.
> 
> Imagine willingly being the guy who marries a woman who is banging in a truck on am empty dirt road 4 months after having someone else's twins? Imagine being the women marring a guy who is banging a new mother of 4 months on a dirt road in your truck. Talk about low class trash, they deserve each other.


No ****, the funny thing is my twins are 4 years old now, and they can definitely be a little crazy at times. Recently there was an event at the school, and the kids were on her time. He was running around chasing the twins, and it was all entertainment for me. He caught my attention and asked if I was going to help chase them down and I replied "nope you got it bro!" Hope the ***** was good. Wait a sec no for sure it wasn't. 



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Many posters NEED 100% confirmation. IMO, you are in the small minority of TAM posters who didn’t.


The confirmation would have been nice. Seriously after all that time together, have enough respect to come clean and at least give the timeline. I don't need gory details but don't lie and deny that anything happened at all. 



Marc878 said:


> Upfront all waywards go into self preservation mode. They will promise the moon.
> 
> Their tears are for themselves at getting caught.
> 
> You saved yourself a lot of wasted time/life and a repeat of what you'd already gotten.


It's funny, when I went through her phone I downloaded a program to recover deleted texts. There were texts to her girlfriends who knew about it where she stated the guy was fun but she was going to dump him soon because she wanted to keep her family together. She didn't want to end the marriage, she wanted to eat cake.

These same girlfriends.... when I see them at kids sporting events etc I get the "we really miss you and wish you were still around" and all that ****. Really *****es? The same people that knew my wife was cheating and were apparently cool with that? Oh yeah and one of those was also cheating which I figured out in those texts (looking back it was apparent anyway without the texts, these types are like magnets for each other).


The worst part of my story which wasn't in the first statement, is she up and bailed at about the 7 year mark in the marriage, and was gone for 6 months. She said she was living with her girlfriend and wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married. She came back around and wanted to work it out, after which time the kids came along. After the D-day in 2015, from talking to people from her work I learned that she was staying with another dude from work during that 6 months. ****!!!! Should've got out back then. I had a gut feeling at the time but no evidence.

People trust your gut and dig! Please for the love of god if you think something is happening be quiet and gather info. The VAR was what did it for me. When she wanted to "work it out", I popped that VAR in and seriously it only took one day to get it all figured out. She was talking to the OM and telling him they would be together one day, the kids were young and wait, blah blah blah. That was the end of it. 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am a believer in that.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rdawg said:


> It's funny, when I through her phone I downloaded a program to recover deleted texts. There were texts to her girlfriends who knew about it where she stated the guy was fun but she was going to dump him soon because she wanted to keep her family together. She didn't want to end the marriage, she wanted to eat cake.
> 
> Amazing at how many will live in denial and on hopium wasting chunks of their lives on this crap
> 
> ...


All cheaters lie a lot. Trust them at your peril


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

rdawg said:


> Seriously after all that time together, have enough respect to come clean and at least give the timeline. I don't need gory details but don't lie and deny that anything happened at all.


She would have to respect herself first. 



rdawg said:


> People trust your gut and dig! Please for the love of god if you think something is happening be quiet and gather info. The VAR was what did it for me. When she wanted to "work it out", I popped that VAR in and seriously it only took one day to get it all figured out. She was talking to the OM and telling him they would be together one day, the kids were young and wait, blah blah blah. That was the end of it.
> 
> Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am a believer in that.


Or if she leaves you don't take her back in the first place.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Well @rdawg you more than delivered. There is a lot here that will help someone in the future. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. You have a very healthy and objective perspective. 

The VAR often really is the most helpful tool.

You know how people lurk here, you have a lot to offer.
Regards, 
Dan


----------



## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

Regarding informing her friend's husband. What a crappy situation that was, he already had heard the rumors from work people, but she had lied and denied. These are people that were friends of my XW, and we went out camping together regularly. He was stuck in a state of denial.

I absolutely feel that you should inform these people if you have the info, including the significant other of the OM / OW. Wouldn't you want the same in that position? In my case, I tracked down the wife of the OM, it took a lot of leg work but I finally found an email which I thought was her but ended up being for her sister. All I said in the email was to contact me regarding something significant with our spouses, and the sister email right back and said she knew where this was going and got me in contact with the OM spouse. Once I got in touch with her, I learned that she caught them cheating a year and a half PRIOR to my D-day. She was assured the affair was over. She did some research and found my contact info, but she never reached out because she thought it was over, then she heard we were pregnant with twins and she didn't want to blow my life up. I was like, fawk, would've liked to know a little earlier, but I get where she was coming from. She took a stand and immediately moved out after brushing her a-hole with his toothbrush. We are still friends now and talk once in a while, which drives both of our exes insane. 

They always lie! If you get any truth, it will be a very small trickle. Then you confront with evidence, and get a little more, then a little more. The way I feel about it now, once the cheating has happened, it doesn't really matter what info you get, just get out as early as possible. There might be a very small minority of WS that will change, but with my history now I would never take the chance. 


No matter what you are dealing with, you can get through it. I was dealing with twin babies and got through it fine. Yes it will be hard in the beginning, but before you know it some time has passed and you are good. The kids will be fine. Just take care of yourself! Vent in TAM, surround yourself with friends, and do not say no if someone offers to help.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Id take OM's wife out to dinner. Post pics on Facebook just to have some fun.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Not sure how you play it but I'd limit any contact to text or email kids only. Keep everything separate. Kids will adjust

No one is gonna want an X in the mix.


----------



## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Not sure how you play it but I'd limit any contact to text or email kids only. Keep everything separate. Kids will adjust
> 
> No one is gonna want an X in the mix.


Yep speaking the truth here, it was a learning curve for me in the beginning. The problem that happens is that anything said in a voice conversation (in person, phone) will get misconstrued. Funny that the person who twisted and gaslighted everything would continue to do that later. I don't do anything by phone call anymore. It's all is in text or email. If something was said in person, I send a follow up email to confirm what was said. All of that gets logged in a journal. PITA for sure, but it's CYA.


----------



## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Id take OM's wife out to dinner. Post pics on Facebook just to have some fun.


Got together for beer early on when **** came out. It was really nice hanging out and trading info. Entertaining for sure, but also helped give some solid information for what had happened and putting everything together. I don't think the WS on either end would have cared if we would have hit it at that point, but they were more scared about information sharing. That was what made the **** hit that fan.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like you've got the NC down. 

Just because you have young kids in the mix doesn't mean you have to talk, share holidays, birthdays, etc.

Kids adjust. Funny how the cheaters hate it though. They wanted out but when you put them completely out it's hard on the poor things.


----------



## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> No one is gonna want an X in the mix.



This is important. Solid statement right there. In my situation, it was about establishing boundaries. The x would want to control everything, including kid schedules (every other day was forced down my throat for a year). When you start dating and now the new person is like WTF is this person running your life still? Boundaries. For me it was taking the ex to court and having the judge tell her what was going to happen. Fortunately it turned out in my favor. 

Funny thing about boundaries. X is all upset and like WTF? Hmm, hint I should have established good boundaries in the past, like no that Vegas trip with all your single friends is not going to work. If she was solid and wasn't like that it would be one thing, but her bff has since told me that all those girl trips resulted in banging random dudes. 

Establish boundaries and a set of rules early. Like Marc878 said no one wants an x in the mix. This is true if in fact that x is still running your life.


----------

