# Easing conflict between wife and mom?



## Sylvin (Aug 1, 2021)

Hi,

*Problem*
I am currently dealing with a lot of conflict from my wife concerning my mom. Wife and I are 40. We've been married for 2 years and dated for a year before that. We have our first baby due later this year.

*Christmas 2019*
Much of the conflict centers around Christmas of 2 years ago. Wife had met my parents before then but this was our first time going to visit them. We were going to spend a week there. Part of the backdrop of this is that my Dad (now deceased) had terminal cancer and it was likely this was going to be the last Christmas I'd be able to be with both my parents. But another part of the backdrop is that we were struggling to get pregnant and Wife was feeling a lot of anxiety about it due to her age. So emotions were on high before we even got there.

My parents and I love to play board games together. Wife can tolerate a board game now and then but would rather be doing other things. During this trip, I spent too much time playing games with my parents and not enough time taking her out and talking about pregnancy issues. During this trip, Wife also felt insulted by some things Mom said that did not register to me at all as an insult. Because I neither saw them as insults nor did Wife complain to me about it, I didn't do anything. On the second to the last day, Wife felt so neglected/disrespected that she ran away without telling anyone. Late at night I finally found her, got her into the car, and brought her back. The next morning, Mom confronted Wife while I wasn't around to talk to her. Wife told Mom she didn't want to talk right now. Mom insisted and wanted to tell Wife that she was angry that Wife ran away but that Mom really just wants Wife to be part of the family and wants us all to be happy. Mom asks Wife why is it so hard for her to be around Mom and Dad. Enter me, newly married and stupid. I walk in as this is happening and in the heat of the moment I sided with Mom because I was also really angry at Wife for running away without talking to me and felt like she was ruining my last Christmas with my Dad.
My view: A lot of problems all around and a lot went wrong. Wife was treated badly but also reacted badly. Everyone should apologize to everyone
Wife view: This scarred her soul forever. How she was treated by me and Mom can never be forgiven.

*From Christmas 2019 to Now*
There really hasn't been that much interaction between Wife and Mom since then because we live far away from each other + Covid. A few polite phone calls. Phone call to tell Mom that Wife is pregnant. Wife sat next to me for the virtual funeral for my Dad after demanding I not attend funeral in person due to Covid but said nothing/did not speak to any of my family.

2 weeks ago, I thought everything between Wife and I were great. Baby is looking healthy. Wife's pregnancy symptoms were under control. I wanted Wife and I to have a video call with Mom's side of the family to share the joy of our upcoming baby. I admit to wording this badly. I said we should do it rather than asking if she was up for it. After which she basically exploded on me talking about years of suffering she has had due to Mom. A lot of things I never knew angered her. And she was even angrier that things she was angry about weren't obvious to me as common sense problems. The following items are some of the things that came out this week. They all happened before the Christmas story, but I only found out that Wife was angry about them this week.

*Problems I didn't know about*
When we were having dinner and Mom couldn't finish her meal, she asked if Wife wanted any.
My view: This is something Mom did regularly with my Dad and I. For her, sharing food is something you do with family and by asking Wife she was trying to be inclusive
Wife view: Offering leftovers from your plate to someone is treating them like a dog

Mom is into supplement/ natural healing stuff. Likes to recommend/send things she thinks would be helpful to anyone and everyone. Based on conversations Wife and I had while dating, I thought Wife would be into the same kinds of things. I had Wife try one and Wife said she liked it at the time and that it helped. I told Mom that Wife liked them. Mom took it to heart and sent more stuff. Turns out Wife hates them and has always hated them and confronted me about it this week.
My view: Mom wants to help and I told Mom that Wife would like this stuff (years ago). Now that I know she hates it I can tell Mom to stop.
Wife view: Sending supplements she doesn't want is an invasion of privacy and insulting

During a conversation with my parents around when we got married about a trip Wife and I had gone on, Wife mentioned the museums we had gone to. As a kid, I didn't like going to museums because I felt my parents went through them way too slowly. Mom said something to the effect of, "Wow, I can't believe Son is going to museums now. He must really be in love."
My view: Mom was happy for us
Wife view: Mom was trying to make Wife feel bad by declaring she had taken me to a place I supposedly hate (museums) in order to make Wife feel guilty for treating me wrong.

Wife had a family member die many years ago to Cancer. I was not supposed to tell anyone but she told me this back when we were first dating and wasn't at all thinking about spending the rest of my life with Wife or keeping secrets from family. So I told my parents about it when we were first dating and asked advice on how to approach the topic with my then new girlfriend. After we were married, when Dad was found to have terminal cancer, Mom was in tears and asked Wife about her family member and how Wife dealt with her pain at the time.
My view: stupid of me that I shared Wife's secret early on. Really bad idea of Mom to bring it up without Wife bringing it up first. But I can sympathize wanting to reach out and connect to family that has gone through similar pain.
Wife view: Mom intentionally brought it up because she was in pain and wanted to attack Wife.
Unlike the others, I obviously knew this happened at the time due to the fight that occurred, but I walked away from this fight thinking Wife was 90% mad at me for the betrayal (which we worked out), and only 10% mad at Mom. This week she made it clear that no, she was really furious with Mom but just didn't talk about it during our fight at the time.

*The current fight*
All of the above came out in the last week or so. After this last fight, I feel like some boundaries were crossed and that we can all talk to each other and apologize and get along. I'm happy to set boundaries and make it clear that Wife is #1 and not Mom. But Wife is at DEFCON 1 and basically wants to sever contact with Mom immediately. I feel this is unfair given that at this point Mom doesn't even know she's doing anything offensive and would almost certainly apologize given the chance if she knew she hurt Wife. Wife has no interest in apologies at this point and absolutely does not want to have a conversation with Mom even if the conversation is Mom saying sorry and asking how she can support Wife.

I really want Mom to visit us after the baby is born. This is my first child, Wife's first child, Mom's first grandchild. I have not seen Mom in person since before Dad died in 2020. Mom not even being allowed to visit for a weekend and meet her grandchild would hurt me deeply. Would hurt Mom deeply. I feel that things were handled badly by me 2 years ago but that Wife is also taking things too hard and seeing insults where none were intended. I feel that everything that has occurred can be repaired and that Wife should be willing to try to repair things for my sake especially if Mom agrees to apologize, understand Wife, and respect Wife's boundaries.

My feelings above make Wife angrier and more hopeless because she thinks I am not addressing the real problem. Wife feels that I have never grown up and am not fulfilling her expectations as a husband to protect her no matter what and no matter the cost. She feels I'm blind to the truth of how Mom treats Wife and that that is an extreme problem.

I can admit that there can be subconscious territorial emotions when it comes to wife + mother in law that need to be addressed. I in no way accept that anyone *intended* to hurt or disrespect anyone else in any of these situations. I believe disrespect can occur without intending to and that such occurrences should be apologized for and learned from. But that we should be willing to give people second, third, fourth, etc chances as long as they show a real desire to change.

Looking for advice both on how to approach this and sanity check myself on whether I'm being unreasonable in my beliefs.
Thank you for any insight.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sylvin said:


> Wife feels that I have never grown up and am not fulfilling her expectations as a husband to protect her no matter what and no matter the cost. She feels I'm blind to the truth of how Mom treats Wife and that that is an extreme problem.


Lots to deal with. ^^This^^ stood out to me. So your wife feels you've never grown up. But she's the one who "ran away" while you were visiting your family. How did that actually play out? Did she stalk out of the house? Did anyone see her actually leave? What was said when she returned? Frankly, what your wife did sounds like some kid basically saying, "I'm not going to play with you anymore! I'm picking up my marbles and going home - MEH!!"

Expectations. They'll bite us in the ass every single time. Why? Because, basically, expectations are saying, "I'm right in expecting you to behave the way I want you to behave." Again, VERY immature and unrealistic. Yes, you are supposed to have your wife's back. But protecting her "no matter what"? 

Bottom line here: I'm only getting your side. And I'm getting a sense that your giving your mom more benefit of the doubt than wife. That's just how it sounds. I'm only getting YOUR side of the story. And you know how it is - there's YOUR side, there's HER side, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

I also sense you are giving your mother more latitude, but again I'm only getting your side. I think there's more to this than what you've reported. Because from where I'm sitting, you're painting your wife to be an unforgiving, unreasonable shrew and mom just as a misguided but well-meaning innocent.

JMO


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## Sylvin (Aug 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Lots to deal with. ^^This^^ stood out to me. So your wife feels you've never grown up. But she's the one who "ran away" while you were visiting your family. How did that actually play out? Did she stalk out of the house? Did anyone see her actually leave? What was said when she returned? Frankly, what your wife did sounds like some kid basically saying, "I'm not going to play with you anymore! I'm picking up my marbles and going home - MEH!!"
> 
> Expectations. They'll bite us in the ass every single time. Why? Because, basically, expectations are saying, "I'm right in expecting you to behave the way I want you to behave." Again, VERY immature and unrealistic. Yes, you are supposed to have your wife's back. But protecting her "no matter what"?
> 
> ...


That's fair criticism. I mean at the end of the day if I understood all these events the way my Wife does, there probably wouldn't be a problem. I'll do my best to cover more detail and cover more of what I believe is Wife's point of view. I know I made a ton of mistakes in this story so I'll try not to hide from them. If the tone feels negative by me saying Wife instead of more natural language its because I find this easier to write with my wife's name and the find-replace for Wife.

I'll try to cover the Christmas story in more detail. 

Before the trip, Wife hinted at me that a week stay with family was too long and that she would get bored. I understand nowadays what she means is that she was warning me that she really can't mentally handle saying that long with people that are, to her, mostly strangers. She doesn't even like staying with her own family in doors for that period of time. She'll visit her family for sure but she'll spend much of that time out of the house.

We were struggling to get pregnant and Wife was dealing with a lot of anxiety about this. Having a child is one of her more important goals in life and we had different problems ranging from medical to emotional to stress. As part of the medical aspect, Wife needed to have a test done basically right at Christmas (based on period cycles). We scheduled the test in secret near my parents place and told them we were going hiking but really went to get the test done.

Then, sex timing wise, we were supposed to have sex the night before she ran away. It didn't work as I was too stressed out. We tried again the next morning and it still didn't work. We talked it over and decided that it was better to wait for later in the day than keep trying to force it.

I was frustrated and got out of bed while Wife stayed in bed. Mom asked if I wanted to play a game and I did. Dad joined us. At this point Wife was feeling bad, feeling neglected, and snuck out of the house to go for a walk. No one saw her leave. I should have checked on her but I didn't. Probably 2-3 hours passed playing a game with my parents when we saw the front door open/close and we saw Wife walk in. Very confused, I asked where she had been but she ignored me and went into the bathroom to take a shower. My understanding now is that she was really upset that no one noticed she was gone for this length of time. She was a guest in this house and my parents but especially I should be looking out for her. I definitely don't consider my self blameless. I should have been paying more attention to her.

Since Wife wasn't talking to me and went into the shower, I could tell that she was upset about something but sometimes Wife needs a cooling down period between when she gets upset and when she's ready to talk. So I sat back down with my parents at the game table and thought maybe Wife would be ready to talk about what was bothering her when she got out of the shower. When Wife came out of the shower I think she saw us still sitting at the game table and was furious that I, at this point, should know something is wrong but was still sitting at the game table. The front door is in clear view of the game table so to this day I'm not sure if she used the garage or what but Wife left the house without anyone seeing her. A little bit later I thought Wife should be out of the shower by now and went to check on her. The bedroom and bathroom were empty.

At this point I got a phone call from Wife asking for the gate code to get out of the community. I again screwed up and absent mindedly gave her the gate code and only then followed up with, "wait why? where are you?" I think she said something like, "Oh so you're giving me the gate code? You must be fine with me leaving then? Ok I'll leave". I tried to say I'll come get her and I ran out of the house to where the gate is but by then she was gone. I texted/called a bunch of times but she wouldn't answer. I eventually came back to the house to talk to my parents about what was going on. 

Night came and Wife finally answered one of my calls asking me to bring her her suitcase so she could go to the airport. Things were too emotional that I honestly don't remember what was said at this point but I remember I lied and said I would bring her her suitcase and then drove to meet her without it. My intent was to just get her out of the cold and back safe with me. While there, Wife was crying in my arms telling me she felt like a prisoner. That she couldn't handle it and that can I please just let her leave. And that she was so hurt by me by the fact that I couldn't see what this was doing to her. I knew we were flying out first thing next morning anyway so I told her just come back to the house and she doesn't need to talk to anyone. Just stay in the bedroom and we'll leave first thing tomorrow morning and we'll talk about all this later. 

She finally agreed and I brought her back. I put her in the bedroom and warmed up some pizza that I brought to the bedroom for her. At this point we have a disagreement on the events. I think I tried to talk to her and ask her what happened. She says I didn't and that made things much worse. Wife's memory is better than mine so I'm willing to accept her version of the story. The next morning I was feeling angry about the whole thing and felt Wife acted like a child. I left the bedroom and went to lay down on the couch in the family room. Mom came to see me and ask if things are ok. I told her Wife isn't feeling well and please just let her be for now.

While I was on the couch, Mom walked to the bedroom anyway and knocked on the door to talk to Wife. Wife said she didn't want to talk right now (and in her mind I had promised her that she didn't need to talk to anyone today). Mom opened the door and came into the room and I honestly don't know what was said between them. Wife ran out of the room and into the kitchen. At this point I saw Mom confronting Wife and heard the part of the conversation covered in my original story. I sided with Mom like I said. That was the end of all conversation.

Dad drove us to the airport and on the plane we fought more. I was still angry and told her running away was childish and unacceptable behavior. Wife told me I should have been able to see how much pain she was in and that I shouldn't blame her for running away. She had no other option. A lot of , "you should have told me what was going on" and "you should have seen what was going on". 

To this day she talks about this story and my betrayal of: neglecting her, not getting her to the airport when she wanted to leave, promising her there would be no confrontation and then there was.

I tried to cover every detail of that awful day that doesn't protect any of my or Mom's poor decision making that day.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sylvin said:


> Before the trip, Wife hinted at me that a week stay with family was too long and that she would get bored.


She told you this, but you ended up going for a week anyway. Sorry, but you are in the wrong here.



Sylvin said:


> I told her Wife isn't feeling well and please just let her be for now.
> 
> While I was on the couch, Mom walked to the bedroom anyway and knocked on the door to talk to Wife. Wife said she didn't want to talk right now (and in her mind I had promised her that she didn't need to talk to anyone today). Mom opened the door and came into the room and I honestly don't know what was said between them. Wife ran out of the room and into the kitchen. At this point I saw Mom confronting Wife and heard the part of the conversation covered in my original story. I sided with Mom like I said. That was the end of all conversation.


So your mother didn't respect your wife's wishes. Then you sided with mom.

Can you see the problem here? Wake up and smell the coffee, dude. Sorry to be so blunt, but you come across as being lost in the fog. I mean, c'mon, your wife was gone for several hours and you were so involved in playing a board game with your parents you didn't notice she was gone? 

In summation: Way too much drama here. And both you and your wife don't sound particularly mature. Again, JMO.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

This sounds like you and your wife communicate very poorly and that the poor communication has spun out of control to create these huge dramatic events. It would probably help if you could both take things down a few notches, drama-wise, and discuss this like adults (particularly your wife, as, if your account is truthful, it sounds like making molehills into mountains is her specialty).

As the above poster said, neither you nor your wife come across as particularly mature. Your wife comes across as playing manipulative games instead of flat-out saying what she wants/thinks/needs, and you sound like you're kind of oblivious. Is marriage counseling an option?


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## Sylvin (Aug 1, 2021)

I don't disagree at all that I was a horrible husband that day. We had been married for a few months and I like to think we've grown (some) as a couple and as individuals and grown from it. I'd also like to think that's why we haven't had an incident like that again since 2019. Honestly 90% of the last two years has been a really happy marriage.

And yes we are planning to try therapy.

But I'm telling the story of that Christmas not because Wife and I still fight about it when its just the two of us, but because it comes up whenever I want Wife and Mom to be together (such as Mom visiting when our child is born)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sylvin said:


> ...it comes up whenever I want Wife and Mom to be together (such as Mom visiting when our child is born)


Your wife obviously hasn't forgiven or forgotten that Christmas. And your mom barging into the bedroom when you told her not to went a long way towards making things worse.

Your mother owes your wife an apology. Your wife owes your mother an apology. I hope SOMEBODY involved in this mess grows the hell up soon. Everyone - you included - needs to apologize to everyone else. Lots of missteps and blame to go around.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife acted very childishly but neither you nor your mom come out well at all in this — especially your mom. Your wife has zero interest in cooperating with you when it comes to your mom visiting after the baby’s born and that may not change. How are you going to handle that?


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## Sylvin (Aug 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your wife acted very childishly but neither you nor your mom come out well at all in this — especially your mom. Your wife has zero interest in cooperating with you when it comes to your mom visiting after the baby’s born and that may not change. How are you going to handle that?


I'm not sure. I'm hoping therapy will help us discuss it and reach some kind of compromise. If Wife really is zero tolerance, then ultimately I guess I would have to accept it because Wife is more important to me than Mom. I'd have to hope that that doesn't cause long term problems with how I feel about her.

In case it wasn't clear, I've apologized many times for my behavior that Christmas. But I have not found any way to convince Wife to let it go or accept apologies. She has specifically told me she doesn't want an apology from my Mom. I'm not sure if having Mom apologize in writing or something and then giving it to Wife anyway would make things better or worse. I've been waiting for our first therapy session before talking to Mom about any of this.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your first marriage? You’re in your 40s right? Did you live out of home or at mum and dad’s before marriage? How long have you been married?

It’s a big call for a women to say they feel the man hasn’t grown up and is still being more of a son than a husband. I do see some things here from your mums side that are pretty bad. I mean why say, ‘he must be really in love’ when talking about a man in his 40s.

I don’t agree with her behaviour at Christmas, that was really poor, given it was your last Christmas with your dying father.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I wanted to add its great that you’re saying sorry to her, keep doing that. I think she also needs to believe you. Bear in mind, a first baby is a special time and while exciting for your mum, there’s this biological thing that happens to a woman. We deep down sense danger and want to protect our young, it’s primal and this seems to be focussed towards your mum. There’ll be time for your mum to enjoy the baby soon enough, but both of you come first. 

Is your mum very controlling and overbearing? Was your dad very passive?


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## Sylvin (Aug 1, 2021)

First marriage for both of us. I'm 39 she's 40.

I moved to a different state right after college graduation and been on my own since. But I was always shy/awkward/loner. I was also far more arrogant and antagonistic when I was younger. I didn't really date until early 20's and never had anything that lasted more than ~4 months and then stopped dating entirely. I was fine just living my life on my own. In my 30's I mellowed out, gained confidence as I became successful in my career, and started trying to treat everyone around me with a lot more respect. Eventually thought to give it another go and started seeking out things like speed dating.

Then I met Wife 3 years ago and felt like suddenly everything made sense and I found the person I was supposed to find. We would laugh just looking at each other. Have code words and secrets. We liked many of the same things. Everything just clicked.

I don't think controlling would be the right word for my Mom but I think Wife and Mom have very different ideas on common sense regarding personal boundaries. Mom is the kind of person that would want to immediately hug everyone and learn their life story and share with everyone. Wife is a far more private person that doesn't want anyone hugging her unless she knows them really well. That kind of stuff. For example, a problem between Wife and Mom that actually _did_ get resolved is originally Mom would take pictures of everyone and share them on facebook all the time. Wife does not use social media and does not want pictures of her appearing online without her consent. Mom was originally doing this without asking for Wife's consent because she can't help herself from sharing everything. I had a talk with Mom about privacy and she apologized and agreed not to post pictures of Wife online. But I think Wife was always upset that I didn't 'get' her enough to know to do this without Wife coming to me and telling me she doesn't like it.

I want to add that I really appreciate everyone's input that has contributed. It gives me a lot to think about.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sylvin said:


> I don't disagree at all that I was a horrible husband that day. We had been married for a few months and I like to think we've grown (some) as a couple and as individuals and grown from it. I'd also like to think that's why we haven't had an incident like that again since 2019. Honestly 90% of the last two years has been a really happy marriage.
> 
> And yes we are planning to try therapy.
> 
> But I'm telling the story of that Christmas not because Wife and I still fight about it when its just the two of us, but because it comes up whenever I want Wife and Mom to be together (such as Mom visiting when our child is born)


So only a few months into marriage you let your mom barge into a bedroom uninvited and attack your wife verbally. After a day of ignoring her? Then you sided with your mom. And you think everyone needs to apologize and do what you want? You told your wife basically that she would be safe coming back to the house and then you left her to go in another room and pout. Then your mom invaded the bedroom without permission only to attack her?

I'd be pissed too. I probably wouldn't have stayed married to be honest. 

Now 2 years later it may be time to get back together but YOU have to do the heavy lifting here. By the way your mom is not as innocent as you make her sound. She knew exactly how offensive barging in a bedroom that she wasn't invited in and then telling your wife how she should behave.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> I wanted to add its great that you’re saying sorry to her, keep doing that. I think she also needs to believe you. Bear in mind, a first baby is a special time and while exciting for your mum, there’s this biological thing that happens to a woman. We deep down sense danger and want to protect our young, it’s primal and this seems to be focussed towards your mum. There’ll be time for your mum to enjoy the baby soon enough, but both of you come first.
> 
> Is your mum very controlling and overbearing? Was your dad very passive?


Sorry wouldn't mean much too me. When people show you who they really are believe them. You have shown her that you are your mothers son first and foremost. You have shown her that you don't listen when she is uncomfortable, stressed or upset if your mother is involved. You have shown her you think a few flowery words will make it right.

If anything you need to think of actions. You need to think of ways to set boundaries with your mom. And for goodness sake this 'visit', your mom needs to be at a hotel and only for a day or two. Nothing at your house where she can make comments about the safety, the cleanliness, your wives cooking, and so forth.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I stopped ready after you mentioned therapy.

OP - give yourself some grace. You are so retrospective and ready to grow. Marriage counseling is going to do wonderful things for your relationship because of this. You two just need a safe place to talk openly above move on from that experience.

Your wife also needs to see that you are her partner and that your mom is secondary. That is the dynamic needed to make this work.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Full disclosure, I have awful inlaws. My MIL especially is overbearing, interfering, critical and very judgey, so I can relate completely to your wife's feelings. My inlaws are what brought me to TAM initally.

However, I can see fault on all sides here. I understand that your wife was stressed due to infertility issues - believe me, as someone who met my husband at 38, I get it. But that doesn't negate everyone else's stress either. It was your Dad's last Christmas. She knew that. I lost my darling Dad when I was 39, my husband (then boyfriend) was nothing but supportive and understanding the entire time - I met him a few weeks after Dad's terminal diagnosis. I think you ALL need to show each other some grace around Christmas 2019. Emotions were running high on all sides, for different but equally valid reasons.

Your wife was extremely immature to run off like that, she sounds very high maintenance. You also should have noticed that she was gone - not cool my friend. Your Mum should have respected her wish not to talk at that moment, but she didn't. Fault on all sides. 

Your biggest eff up was siding with your Mum. Always, ALWAYS have your spouses back in front of others. In private you can express that you didn't necessarily agree with them, but publicly you are a united front. No exceptions.

Your wife strikes me as a huge drama queen - constantly referencing pain she's in and what she's going through. Really dude? Pain from what exactly? Playing too many board games? Come on, get over it. While she should have communicated properly to you rather than hinted she didn't want to stay for a week, she could also have suggested "Hey, I'm not really up for a week with the fam, but I understand it's your Dad's last Christmas, how about I come for a couple of days over Christmas and then fly home on my own and you follow in a few days". Seriously, it's not that hard,

Her refusal to go or allow you to go to your dad's funeral is BEYOND THE PALE. Absolute disgrace of her. Shame on her. She owes you an apology for that - a big one.

She needs to compromise on your mum visiting when bub arrives. This is just as special for you and your family as it is for her and hers. Your mum mustn't stay with you though, don't allow that - find her a nice hotel close by and she can come for short visits over a couple of days.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your wife is a whiny child who can't or won't see anybody's perspective but her own & she's short sighted. At this point both women feel attacked by the other. Every interaction with your wife is a battle because at this point your wife sees your mom as the enemy & sees red every time mom is mentioned. Your mom was wrong to barge into the bedroom but she was interfering from a place of love, from a motherly instinct to protect, nurture & heal. Your wife was behaving like a spoiled child who creates drama. The sneaking out & running away business without communicating really soured me toward your wife. She has to learn to use her words. You should not be expected to mind read & anticipate her moods. Her cries of not wanting to stay with your family because they are strangers is nonsense. If they are strangers its because your wife didn't open up enough to get closer to them. She's not trying but you can't tell her that

Will your mom be the bigger person here? Can you get them in a room where mom says something to you wife along the lines of

_I love you. You are my son's wife & you are carrying my grand baby. Somehow we got off on the wrong foot & it's spun out of control. I'd like to start over again. What do you need from me to be a family? How can I better support you & show you that you are important to me? _​
If it's all possible have wife's mother there so she feels supported rather than put on the spot. You also need to tell wife in advance of this happening so she has time to figure out what she wants from you & your mom. If your wife is adamant that she won't even accept any apology from your mom & it seems like she enjoys hanging on to her anger about that Christmas, your wife has serious problems. Adults compromise, talk things through & accept that nobody is perfect. 

Sometimes it's about rearranging the boundaries. I was living with somebody & his parents were staying with us for an extended period (6 months). At first it was hard. I got home from work before my guy & his parents would be so starved for company other than each other they would practically smother me when I walked in the door. I needed to decompress so we compromised. I'd say hello & visit for 5 minutes. Then I'd go in the bedroom to change. The parents would leave me alone until I re-emerged. That really helped. Also the mom & I made a cooking schedule / meal plan because we had different cooking styles & neither one of us wanted a steady diet of the other's recipes.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Sylvin, when you get married, you side with your spouse. It sounds like you tend to side with your Mom, which is fine, but you'll probably have a very hurt spouse in the end, and may even end up single. Why do I think this? I had a spouse who was exactly the same: his Mom and I didn't get along, he always sided with his Mom, and would make excuses for her all the time. The one time he sided with me was when his Mom told me that I wasn't part of the family because I didn't have a certain piece of sheet music. H was aghast, but of course said nothing to his Mommy; he mentioned it to me after we left, and by that time, his Mom had been so mean to me that her "you're not part of the family" comment rolled right off my back. I didn't care and didn't want to be part of that family anyways, and divorced my H a couple years after that. For more reasons than his Mommy of course, but boy was I glad to not have to deal with her anymore; it was dreadful. She got her wish: her little boy back in her grasp.

Moral of the story: side with your wife. When you guys talk, actively listen to her concerns, and try to find a solutions. You don't have to cut your Mom off, but if she doesn't want to visit her right now, that's her right. 

Also, your wife sounds like she has the maturity level of an 8 year old. She also has to realize that life doesn't revolve around her and that life and marriage is about give and take. If your Mom wants to genuinely apologize to your wife, your wife really should grow up and hear her out. It's amazing that your Mom wants to apologize and try to repair things; most MILs are happy if they can make their child's spouse completely miserable. Yes, your Mom should be allowed to visit her only grandchild when he/she is born. Keeping her away from him/her would be awful and heartbreaking.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sylvin said:


> repair things for my sake especially* if Mom agrees to apologize*, understand Wife, and respect Wife's boundaries.


You keep writing that your wife should accept your mom's apology. But you also write *IF* you mom agrees. Thing is your mom apparently had no idea that any of her behavior that trip was out of bounds. What good is an apology that she doesn't mean? If I was your wife I wouldn't have any interest in your mom's apology either.

I would expect better from you.

I would accept a visit from your mom but only with clear boundaries in place. My in-laws had a real hard time with boundaries when my child was born. Where I come from the parent trumps anyone else. My in-laws seemed to think age/wisdom trumped parents. For instance when my daughter was turning 2 we let in-laws know that when we visited there was no need for cake. That with both of us struggling with weight issues for much of our adult life we didn't think a 2 year old needed cake and that she wouldn't know what she was missing. We showed up and guess what they had a german chocolate cake.

I say this because you need to do the heavy lifting. You need to set boundaries with your mom. What is acceptable and what isn't. I've already said she stays at a hotel. In addition when you visit the hotel take separate cars so you can have an extended visit with your mom and your wife doesn't have to be there for hours. Also find out what kind of things your wife and you view for parenting. When it's a newborn there probably isn't too much but as they age things like pacifier time, burping sleeping on the stomach or back, blanket or no blanket and such. 

So has your mom expressed any desire to apologize to your wife or is she just mad that your wife isn't jumping for joy and she herself is expecting an apology.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sir, I did not read the entire story. I stopped at the title of your thread. Support you wife. Period. Cut the apron strings from mom. If you don't support your wife in ALL, the resentment will grow. Do it now before it gets worse. And you know, mom will get over it eventually.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

duplicate


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Sylvin said:


> That's fair criticism. I mean at the end of the day if I understood all these events the way my Wife does, there probably wouldn't be a problem. I'll do my best to cover more detail and cover more of what I believe is Wife's point of view. I know I made a ton of mistakes in this story so I'll try not to hide from them. If the tone feels negative by me saying Wife instead of more natural language its because I find this easier to write with my wife's name and the find-replace for Wife.
> 
> I'll try to cover the Christmas story in more detail.
> 
> ...


Damn.
Leave them all for week and take a trip in the Keys fishing. Remove wife from all but one level limited credit card and transfer your money out of any joint bank accounts before you go.

Then let it roll.
It will settle itself. You'll have a better life in every outcome.


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