# At what point do you say something?



## tazman (Jan 18, 2013)

Married for 5 yrs now. At what point do you say something? As most relationships start we were both really into each other holding hands snuggling on the couch, and very sexually active. now we still hold hands during the day along with lots of hugs and kisses too. All the intimacy during the day stops when we climb into bed. I sleep on the right she sleeps on the left. with our back to each other. Our king size bed literally bows in the middle. 

Now here is the problem. A little analogy before I reveal the situation.

I have one tattoo on my right shoulder. The wife thinks it is really cute. I never see it and forget it is there.. No big deal. How ever if I got one more on the other side she probably would not say anything. Now if I got a 3-4 or 5 more tattoos she would not be too happy at all. She thinks it looks trashy. Now what if I totally showed no concern what she thinks about what I am doing and just continued with my art frenzy on my body and got all tatted up. At what point does she have the right to say anything to me? At what point does she just come out and say that she is having a hard time looking at me because of what I have done to myself? Is there a line drawn somewhere? Now that I got things into perspective.

When we got married we were both active, Cycling at the beach. Playing softball also hiking. I was 226 and five years later I just weighed in at 220lb. 5yrs ago my wife weighed in at 138 and since we got married 5 yrs ago she packed on a little over 100lb.. She is at 240 something.. She has become pre-diabetic. back problems all the times. lack of energy leads to less help around the house and now. To be honest physically/sexually she has killed it. I feel bad and guilty I so want to be attracted to her. Do I have any right to say anything?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I sure would. Be direct with her, kind and gentle, but direct. Tell her that her weight is decreasing her attractiveness to you, and is certainly affecting her long term health. It is the truth, after all.

Gosh, 100 lbs. is a lot, and you are not the first poster to mention this kind of weight gain in a spouse.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I don't know how this didn't come up sooner...

This is my experience...my wife is 114 pounds. And when we were dating she asked me if I would still be attracted to her if she put on a lot of weight. (Women love to ask these kinds of questions)

I was honest and direct and I told her that I would not be attracted to her. I told her, "This is me - and I am attracted to you just like you are. And it is more about being healthy and the fact that being overweight effects your health than it is about anything else."

I think you should have said something a long time ago.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I would say something to her and offer to exercise and plan healthy meals with her. She is probably self conscious about it. When you both get into bed do you initiate more intimacy or do you just turn on your side and go to sleep? If you do that then she might be thinking you aren't interested in being intimate, or maybe you aren't because of her weight. You can talk to her about it but she has to want to do it for herself and you need to be prepared that she may not.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a tricky one as the way you say it can break things even more if you are not careful.

I would offer to do things with her.. like exercise, help her plan meals and cook. This should be more about improving her health then anything else.

Get the book "The Blood Sugar Solution". It's a good place to start. Your wife can cure the prediabetes.


----------



## tazman (Jan 18, 2013)

Thank you to all those for your replies and advice. About a year ago I did have a sit down with her. I used my analogy I wrote above in a simple way. she listened and did not get upset. however beside dieting a few times nothing would stick with her. She would lose 5 lbs and then gain back 7.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tazman said:


> Thank you to all those for your replies and advice. About a year ago I did have a sit down with her. I used my analogy I wrote above in a simple way. she listened and did not get upset. however beside dieting a few times nothing would stick with her. She would lose 5 lbs and then gain back 7.


Get the good I suggested. There is a reason that she is having the problem losing the weight.


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

tazman said:


> Thank you to all those for your replies and advice. About a year ago I did have a sit down with her. I used my analogy I wrote above in a simple way. she listened and did not get upset. however beside dieting a few times nothing would stick with her. She would lose 5 lbs and then gain back 7.


You have to be as involved with her weight loss as she is.
Be the supportive backing she needs to get through this. 
Don't eat fatty food around her and demand you both eat as healthy as possible.
Find ways you can both workout together and keep up with it daily, weekly and so on.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At 100 pounds in 5 years, you can easily pull out the health card, especially with her early health issues. And yes, you should say something. 

But that rate of gain is troubling for a number of reasons, and they're not just physical. How is her mental state? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You start early, soon, and you do it often.


----------



## tazman (Jan 18, 2013)

I had to get on a diet a few months ago. due to high blood pressure. 150/104. No salt diet. Since dieting I have lost 8lbs. Without really trying. All I did was cut out the garbage I was eating. Like chips, fries and saucy food. The wife will eat what I do for lunch and dinner.But still eats all the chips, donuts and soda etc. When she get back from visiting her daughter. I think I will have another sit down with her.


----------



## tazman (Jan 18, 2013)

I could blame it on her father passing away 2 years ago. but her rapid weight gain started 5 yrs ago. Before she even knew he was sick. A few years prior of us getting married she was close to 300lbs. However she lost all that weight once she got divorced from her kids dad. It is almost like she has a "being single" weight and a "being married" weight.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tazman said:


> I could blame it on her father passing away 2 years ago. but her rapid weight gain started 5 yrs ago. Before she even knew he was sick. A few years prior of us getting married she was close to 300lbs. However she lost all that weight once she got divorced from her kids dad. *It is almost like she has a "being single" weight and a "being married" weight*.


I'd say the bolded sentence is exactly what's going on. She may or may not have done it purposefully, but she slimmed down to an attractive weight to attract a man. Now that she has one, she reverted to her prior unhealthy habits because there is no further need to try to maintain that attractive weight. 

Look, some people do put on "happy pounds" when they are content in a relationship. Plenty of people lose weight during a divorce. But to lose over 150 pounds to date and then put back on at least 100 of it is a serious problem. She needs to understand that her health is in serious jeopardy, but also that your attraction to her as a lover is dead due to her weight and that it's endangering the marriage. She is, quite literally, not the woman you married. Honestly, you probably should have said something about 70 pounds ago.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In answer to the question in your subject line I would say the earlier the more likely you are to resolve the issue. On the other hand the longer you go without addressing it the more difficult it will be to resolve.

As for the married weight versus single weight I refer to it as the divorce diet. Between the stress and the desire to look good to show the ex what they're missing many people really fix up their appearance after divorcing. Usually not only fitness but wardrobe as well. 

I can usually tell...if I run into a woman I haven't seen in a while and she's looking really good...it's pretty much a given she's separated from her partner.


----------



## NoHappyEnding (Aug 20, 2013)

tazman said:


> A few years prior of us getting married she was close to 300lbs. However she lost all that weight once she got divorced from her kids dad. It is almost like she has a "being single" weight and a "being married" weight.


I'm afraid without extreme stress or effort, she is not going to change. An obese person who has lost a significant amount of weight does not have the same metabolism as a person who is normally at that lower weight. They have to be vigilant for the rest of their life to maintain that lower weight, which is why the statistics are against those who allow themselves to gain a lot of weight and then loose it all. Most of the time they gain it all back. They have to really want it and be willing to make a lifelong change.

Your body adds fat cells to accommodate the extra fat storage needed as you gain weight (overeat), but you can never loose those fat cells (without surgery). They shrink as you loose weight (calorie restriction via diet, exercise or both), but they will forever more try to be re-filled (see the hormone Leptin).


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I would have probably said something after the first 20 pounds. To wait until 100 POUNDS LATER indicates to me you have serious communication problems in your marriage. Your wife's weight gain is the least of your problems.

Get yourself into individual counseling as quickly as you can and figure out why you can't communicate openly and honestly with your wife. Whether or not she loses the weight is a whole 'nother issue.


----------



## MeatTrain (Dec 4, 2013)

tazman said:


> Married for 5 yrs now. At what point do you say something? As most relationships start we were both really into each other holding hands snuggling on the couch, and very sexually active. now we still hold hands during the day along with lots of hugs and kisses too. All the intimacy during the day stops when we climb into bed. I sleep on the right she sleeps on the left. with our back to each other. Our king size bed literally bows in the middle.
> 
> Now here is the problem. A little analogy before I reveal the situation.
> 
> ...


I don't think weight is the main problem here, I think it's what's behind the weight gain that should concern you. Usually people don't pack on over a 100 pounds for no reason. Is she depressed? Is your relationship stagnant? Is she home a lot and bored? Figure out what's causing the weight gain. And you'll have to be very gentle and understanding about this. People tend to be very sensitive about their weight.


----------



## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

MeatTrain said:


> ...And you'll have to be very gentle and understanding about this. People tend to be very sensitive about their weight.


Yes, ESPECIALLY true where women are concerned! 

Anyway, if you would like to introduce her to a very easy, effective, and no-pain way to lose weight, PM me and I'll share an approach that that will literally make the pounds melt off for anyone who actually WANTS to lose weight (some people don't so they wont even do what's easy and painless!). I'm not selling or promoting anything (no pills to pop, no program to join, no premade food to buy...). I'm just happy to share an approach that was truly transformational for me after I went through health issues that made it very difficult for me to lose weight. Its a very healthy approach that really works even for people who love food and don't do well with deprivation. She'll be eating tasty, satisfying stuff literally all day long (real food she buys in the grocery store and prepares herself). If she genuinely has the willingness and motivation to lose the weight, this will work - even for someone with a zapped metabolism. 

I would venture to say, if you present this approach to her, and she doesn't lose significant weight, then its not a priority to her (unless she has a medical problem preventing weight loss, such as hypothyroidism -- but because this fine tunes the metabolism, it tends to work even in such circumstances). And then at least you'll know that she's basically disregarding what you've expressed to her as being important to you. If that is what she's really doing, then that's definitely a problem.


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Strongly agree



PBear said:


> At 100 pounds in 5 years, you can easily pull out the health card, especially with her early health issues. And yes, you should say something.
> 
> But that rate of gain is troubling for a number of reasons, and they're not just physical. How is her mental state?
> 
> ...


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

You need to say something now.
This is not about (just) appearance, rather it is about health and lifestyle.
She may be able to starve her body into submission, but eventually, that kind of control becomes impossible and she begins to eat again and regains the weight. At this point, the entire situation probably seems overwhelming and sustaining another "diet" may appear impossible to her. Your wife needs professional help to determine WHY she eats and to redirect that behavior to a different, non harmful behavior. The root cause may not have anything to do with your relationship; it may be a psychological issue within her. Until she identifies it and deals with it, she will continue to battle food and her body and it is an exhausting, unending, unwinnable battle. Once she can redirect her behavior, visualize a healthy, active, attractive her, she will be able to eat to live, not eat to medicate herself. Food will have a proper place in her life and her weight will come down.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Others are right, there is a reason why she gained the weight. Fix that if possible. My question is....Does SHE want to lose the weight? What is her inner motivation for doing it? 

She is not going to do it and maintain it just because YOU might want her too. She has to have a reason....live a long life, prevent serious medical complications, become healthy, save her marriage...etc. She has to have this need to take action and actually do it.


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think regarding weight issues you have to go about it the right way, as i know things are not always as they seem.

Its more than likely she already knows herself that she has a problem with her weight, I know i did, I was really very unhappy, but just fell into a rut, and did not have the willpower to do anything about it, I convinced myself i was happy, had my man, kids, and did not need anything else, but i was not happy, I hated being overweight.

My husband and I was still having sex, we was still very close nothing had changed apart from the fact i was overweight.... and knew i was a size 18.... when i met my husband i was a size 12.... eating the wrong things, and having more children is what done it for me.

I am sure the majority of woman would love a perfect figure, be a size 8 etc, but its not always possible for some, Its bloody hard trying to stay thin and keep the weight off.... I am a size 10 now, and i know just how hard it is.

The thing is, she is still the same person you married, her size may have changed, but shes still the woman you married and love.... Do you not think your wife can feel that there is something wrong, maybe she can tell that something is not right between you, and knows that you have become distant from her, She probably knows its her weight.

At my heaviest my hubby never said anything about my weight to me, I often wonder if he ever thought i was any less attractive, because if he did then he never showed it in anyway, he was still loving and affectionate towards me, I was the unhappy one.

I still have still kept the photos of me at my biggest, I showed one to my husband the other day, he looked and said cor bloody hell you was big in this one, he was being honest, he probably would not have said that back then.

I then said to him why he never told me back then how much weight i had put on, he said he did not realise i had put that much weight on, and its only now i am so slim and seeing that picture you can tell... Who knows how much truth is in that.... Maybe he was saying it as he did not want to hurt me.

All i am saying is the chances are she knows that there is a problem, she probably feels it.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't think I can add anything to this except to echo what others are saying.

Personally, a few lbs isn't worth talking to your spouse about. 100, however... yes, definitely. And I am not one to comment, or even care all that much about somebody's weight. I've never found a particular body size/shape more attractive than another, I've always been attracted to the person, first.

But yeah, 100lbs is something even I would be mentioning. It's a dramatic change, whether you gain or lose that kind of weight. My wife took 80lbs off a few years ago, and people didn't recognize her. I found her attractive at either weight, but she DID look different, including her facial features. Some people don't have that luck, I don't think. I've seen a few people in my lifetime who have taken off substantial weight, and they didn't look right, if that makes sense. Almost as though the weight suited them. And vice versa of course. My wife is "lucky" in that she is gorgeous at 140lbs or 220. Everything sits right on her no matter her size. But obviously some women (and men) put all their weight into one area and that can dramatically change how they look.

From my perspective though, I wouldn't go the health angle if that wasn't it. If it's an issue of attractiveness, then be honest and tell her.


----------

