# Let's write the Married Woman Sex Life book



## diwali123

I wish there was a book for women who have a higher drive than their husbands! People tell me to be more assertive, surprise him
with being naked or wearing lingerie. It doesn't work! 
So ladies in my position have you found the missing link to get your guy to want it more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto

Very short book indeed, but I shall offer my professional services to write it for you.

Here goes.

Be naked.
Have beer.

The end.


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## YinPrincess

Nope.

Well. I could become a cell phone apparently. Or an 80 lb porn actress. Other than that? 

His f***ing phone gets more action than I do. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband

YinPrincess said:


> Nope.
> 
> Well. I could become a cell phone apparently. Or an 80 lb porn actress. Other than that?
> 
> His f***ing phone gets more action than I do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


how about an 80lb sexy cell phone.

Actually not a bad idea, rent a cell phone costume get all made up with nothing on but the cell phone costume and walk out wearing it, and tell him, "Since your cell phone gets more action than me, and you like porn stars, here I am, reach out and touch ME!"


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## YinPrincess

LoL  I'm sure he'd be attracted to anything and everything but me right now.

It's okay. I'm starting to feel the same about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband

YinPrincess said:


> LoL  I'm sure he'd be attracted to anything and everything but me right now.
> 
> It's okay. I'm starting to feel the same about him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you can run a MAP of your own....start looking better, not paying as much attention to him, find outside intrests (not another man, lol) etc etc ..he will either think somethings up and start paying attention or you will be in the same boat you are allready in, but will be a better you....what do you have to lose?


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## Mavash.

Men with a LD is a silent epidemic. According to what I've read it affects about 30% of men. I should know I happen to be married to one. What has worked most for me is to treat him the same as the men would with a LD woman. 

That meant letting go of all my perceived notions of how men 'should' be out the window. So that be naked and bring beer won't work on a LD man. The LD man needs to (for lack of a better word) be romanced man style. They need to be treated well because if they have ANY unresolved issues with you it will affect their libido. Same goes with stress, work issues, financial, etc.

In short they are just like a LD woman. 

Just my .02


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## Enchantment

I think Athol's MAP is applicable to both men and women - it's essentially taking personal responsibility for the outcome that you desire. As such, women who find themselves in sexless marriages with husbands who have little desire can benefit from implementing it - they will benefit whether or not their husband becomes more sexual or not. Because when you start to take 100% responsibility for yourself and the outcome you desire, you have taken back the control you have so unwittingly been giving to a non-responsive spouse.

Here's also a good book for women that have husband's who aren't interested in sex. Gives a lot of clarity on the various issues that can result in a man who doesn't want sex, and a view in to the fact that it is not that uncommon of a problem:

Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Books


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## LovesHerMan

It is really hard when the woman wants more sex because this is outside the norm. People love to make jokes, but it is not funny when you are in this kind of marriage.

I think the worst part of this situation is that there are only so many things you can do to entice your spouse to have sex with you. There is the carrot: meet his/her needs, man/woman up, wear sexy clothes, go to the gym, and the stick: do the 180, turn down the temperature, develop your own interests, tell them that you are unhappy.

I think that ultimately you have to decide how important this is to you. Some spouses will wake up if they realize how dire the situation has become. Some will not care to meet their spouse's needs. Is the rest of the marriage is good enough to put up with living without a sexual connection?


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## YinPrincess

I'm having a hard time understanding why Low Drive men still masturbate but have no interest in sex... That is what I can't wrap my mind around... You would think if they are low drive that self-stimulation would also disappear? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband

YinPrincess said:


> I'm having a hard time understanding why Low Drive men still masturbate but have no interest in sex... That is what I can't wrap my mind around... You would think if they are low drive that self-stimulation would also disappear?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe it's just the physical release, quick, easy and the good feelings of the chemicals being released in your brain...


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## CandieGirl

I don't buy the MAP/MMSL...or any of that stuff he writes. When a man isn't interested in sex, I'm convinced it's his brain wiring that's off, for whatever reason. No amount of me making myself more attractive to other males is going to do anything but .... probably get me hooked up with another male. Or is that the whole point?

The wiring is faulty. They don't care about sex one way or another, unless it's porn, and viewing porn, isn't the same as having actual sex. They don't care if you're naked with beer.


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## rundown

The reason why their isn't one yet is because with men it is usualy pretty simple. No hoops to jump through, you don't have to worry about some stupid balancing act between alpha vs beta, you can just be who you are and it normaly works. 

With a male you are looking at very few root causes that cover atleast 90% of the problems. He is cheating, has low T, has ED, is depressed/anxious, has a porn addiction, or he just is sick of being nagged/disrespected (wether it be percieved or actual). Not much to us at all, most of us just need you to be ready and willing.


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## rundown

CandieGirl said:


> I don't buy the MAP/MMSL...or any of that stuff he writes. When a man isn't interested in sex, I'm convinced it's his brain wiring that's off, for whatever reason. No amount of me making myself more attractive to other males is going to do anything but .... probably get me hooked up with another male. Or is that the whole point?
> 
> The wiring is faulty. They don't care about sex one way or another, unless it's porn, and viewing porn, isn't the same as having actual sex. They don't care if you're naked with beer.


I look at MMSL as getting yourself ready for a new mate because who you have always been isn't good enough for your current one who so badly wanted a ring on her finger.


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## rundown

YinPrincess said:


> I'm having a hard time understanding why Low Drive men still masturbate but have no interest in sex... That is what I can't wrap my mind around... You would think if they are low drive that self-stimulation would also disappear?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pure laziness, they don't want to have to do their share and would rather just take 2min to release. Usualy these men don't care about the connection with their wives and have already checked out.


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## strugglinghusband

CandieGirl said:


> I don't buy the MAP/MMSL...or any of that stuff he writes. When a man isn't interested in sex, I'm convinced it's his brain wiring that's off, for whatever reason. No amount of me making myself more attractive to other males is going to do anything but .... probably get me hooked up with another male. Or is that the whole point?
> 
> If you feel more attractive (+ look) you are more attractive, you are sending out a vibe, your husband may notice and think "Hey whats up, she's looking better, acting better, like she dosent need or want me, I better do something about this or I may risk loosing her"
> 
> The wiring is faulty. They don't care about sex one way or another, unless it's porn, and viewing porn, isn't the same as having actual sex. They don't care if you're naked with beer.


If he's viewing porn, he is interested in sex, maybe not in a healthy way....


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## YinPrincess

strugglinghusband said:


> Maybe it's just the physical release, quick, easy and the good feelings of the chemicals being released in your brain...


That's fine, I don't have a problem with that until I've been rejected over and over for weeks, then find out he's been jerking off the whole time. What then?

Talking to him about it is useless. He says he's attracted to me, and that everytime we do make love he finds it "arousing" that I'm so into it, open-minded and clearly enjoying myself. I also don't mind quickies, and I've obliged him many in the past without fuss or complication.

With my husband, quite possibly the ONLY time I get his 100% undivided attention is through sexual matters. This isn't just about getting off - it's about feeling acknowledged and present in his world...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rundown

YinPrincess said:


> That's fine, I don't have a problem with that until I've been rejected over and over for weeks, then find out he's been jerking off the whole time. What then?
> 
> Talking to him about it is useless. He says he's attracted to me, and that everytime we do make love he finds it "arousing" that I'm so into it, open-minded and clearly enjoying myself. I also don't mind quickies, and I've obliged him many in the past without fuss or complication.
> 
> With my husband, quite possibly the ONLY time I get his 100% undivided attention is through sexual matters. This isn't just about getting off - it's about feeling acknowledged and present in his world...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess it's a good thing you are moving out then because what you decribed is just him either not being in love with you or having no respect for you. Most men would give their left leg and right arm for somebody like you.


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## YinPrincess

rundown said:


> Pure laziness, they don't want to have to do their share and would rather just take 2min to release. Usualy these men don't care about the connection with their wives and have already checked out.


This makes sense, unfortunately. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband

Maybe by you moving out will wake his ass up...like another poster said sounds like he dosent think of you as an equal in your marriage, his needs are always 1st?


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## CandieGirl

strugglinghusband said:


> If he's viewing porn, he is interested in sex, maybe not in a healthy way....


Yes, he's interested in sex, just not as much or as frequently as I'm interested in sex. Porn isn't our problem. The biggest problem, was me, trying to get him to change and suddenly become HD. Well, I had a news flash: It ain't gonna happen. This is just the way it is, and I've got to work with it.

Porn = lazy man's sex. Just like one of the other posters mentioned.


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## YinPrincess

So depressed. Ugh. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity

I'm in a low desire phase right now - don't feel horny, don't wake up with morning wood, don't feel motivated to even think of sex. I might masterbate to ease the pressure, but it's functional.

Why do I feel this way? Not totally sure. Partly just feel disconnected from my wife. I hardly get rejected now, but I do feel often like I'm being accommodated which doesn't help. Partly that often when I've allowed myself to feel anticipation, it hasn't worked out for whatever reason, so I've conditioned myself to not have expectations. Living in the moment keeps you from hurt feelings from unmet expectations, but the lack of anticipation does hurt your libido.


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## strugglinghusband

CandieGirl said:


> Yes, he's interested in sex, just not as much or as frequently as I'm interested in sex. Porn isn't our problem. The biggest problem, was me, trying to get him to change and suddenly become HD. Well, I had a news flash: It ain't gonna happen. This is just the way it is, and I've got to work with it.
> 
> Porn = lazy man's sex. Just like one of the other posters mentioned.


So you were trying to get him to change into H/D? was he trying to get you to be L/D? if so I would guess that isnt going to happen either, like you said you "youve got to work with it" instead of that why not try working together.
what does a sex life mean to you, do you know what it means to your husband? 

What be be ideal for you? what would be ideal for him? is there an acceptable compromise that would make you both happy?

check out the book "When your sex drives dont match" 

BTW I'm the H/D she is L/D border N/D


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## Mavash.

rundown said:


> Pure laziness, they don't want to have to do their share and would rather just take 2min to release. Usualy these men don't care about the connection with their wives and have already checked out.


This and your other post about men getting tired of being nagged. In my case I was an angry wife which caused my husband to 'check out'. He simply gave up on having any sort of connection with me. I had to transform myself THEN wake him up to check back in. I'm fortunate in that it wasn't too late but it very well could have been.

In hindsight he wasn't happy to start with, sex slowed, I got angry, he wanted even less sex and so on and so on. I see it now.


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## frustr8dhubby

I just cannot fathom it. Maybe because I am super HD. But from a purely sexual point of view (removing intimacy/love/etc) I would rather have sex with Rosie O'Donnell I think than to masturbate... :scratchhead:


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## YinPrincess

:rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## panda1965

I think my drive is higher than my husbands. I am usually not subtle - when he gets home from work, he'll go to the bedroom to change into PJ pants. 
When I give him a kiss, I usually take hold of his belt and start undoing it.


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## CandieGirl

strugglinghusband said:


> So you were trying to get him to change into H/D? was he trying to get you to be L/D? if so I would guess that isnt going to happen either, like you said you "youve got to work with it" instead of that why not try working together.
> what does a sex life mean to you, do you know what it means to your husband?
> 
> What be be ideal for you? what would be ideal for him? is there an acceptable compromise that would make you both happy?
> 
> check out the book "When your sex drives dont match"
> 
> BTW I'm the H/D she is L/D border N/D


I was trying to entice him into wanting it more...instead, he just got more and more shy and embarrassed. He doesn't like to behave that way, and the reasons why can list as long as my arm.

A sex life to me, once meant everything; it was all I ever used to base my relationships on. Well, guess what? All of those relationships have failed. Some, miserably. To my husband, a sex life is something he can live without; spending time together (not having sex), working toward our future, building a home together all mean more to him than sexual intercourse.

I'm not sure what ideal would be, but I'm satisfied at the moment. We went through a very dry spell for a few months, then, earlier this month, we were suddenly having sex almost daily; it was great, but I guess we wore ourselves out. We haven't since last weekend, now. And I'm good with that.

A good compromise for us would be for me to ease up on the complaints about the frequency of our lovemaking; in return, I'd love for him to be a little more adventurous. Driving in traffic today, I leaned in for a grope; he admonished me, saying that it was inappropriate. For phuck's sake, I cant think of anything more appropriate than a woman grabbing at her husband in a sexual way!

I'm not sure about the book, tho. If he saw that lying around, he might feel bad, and that will just make things worse. I have a couple of other self help books, and he won't even look at them.


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## humanbecoming

I had the opposite problem- wife didn't want it as often as I.... In fact, we were talking about it tonight. I commented that some posters on TAM were happy with one or twice a week (she reads here too) she laughed and said that I was that way a few months ago. I reminded her that she was mistaken- I was NOT happy with it, but that's what I got. The MMSL book changed my life. We have a fantastic relationship, I just needed more sex. That book made it happen. She read it too, so it's not like it's a secret, but she hasn't tried any of the action plan stuff on me. I have to say that going from feeling like I was married but "alone", and wishing a bus would run over me and put me out of my misery, to getting it 10 or more times per week has been a huge relief. There are times that she still turns me down, and I do have a hard time with feeling rejected emotionally when that happens due to the years of feeling unwanted. I don't see why doing the action plan would hurt from a female perspective, and really, you have nothing to lose.


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## diwali123

Yes I am naked around him a lot and if he's not in the mood it does nothing. 
I have been turning down the thermostat. Last night he kept being affectionate, ended up trying to kiss me and grope me and I just wasn't in the right place for it. Or maybe I just wanted him to know I'm not a sex machine who always says yes. 
He went to take a shower and I changed my mind, threw him up against the refrigerator and we ended up having amazing sex. And then we did it again! That used to be a normal occurrence but after we moved in together it just turned into "one and done". 
Yesterday was his second session at IC, and now I'm wondering of his sexual changes after he moved in with me didn't have more to do with issues with his sons and custody. I think we've both been upset about it but I tend to see sex as a stress reliever. 
I'm just glad the IC seems to be helping!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Oh god no! I wouldn't want to get paid to promote a book on here. I just hear people talking about it all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Sorry for the triple post but we were just texting about how great it was and he said "I guess we both needed some down time." I asked what he meant and he said we both stopped worrying about how long it had been since the last time. Well maybe he did but I didn't. Lol. I guess turning down the thermostat made him feel like I wasn't pressuring him or expecting anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humanbecoming

CandieGirl said:


> Anyone ever wonder if some posters are paid to endorse MMSL? 10 times a week? Give me a break.


Wow. Maybe some people just are happy that after 10 years of sexual frustration, they are finally getting some.....

If I find a recipe I really like, am I going to get accused if I share that too?


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## humanbecoming

diwali123 said:


> Oh god no! I wouldn't want to get paid to promote a book on here. I just hear people talking about it all the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not blaming you, no worries. she's claiming I'm a MMSL alter ego.


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## FirstYearDown

My drive is slightly higher than my husband's. I used to get angry when he was too tired for sex or just didn't feel like it, now I know that it has nothing to do with how much he loves me or finds me attractive. 

I do not reject my husband for the paltry aforementioned reasons, so when he does that to me, I just make my husband wait a long time before I come to bed the next night or I refuse him. Resentment makes me less inclined to please him sexually. He hates being rejected, so it makes him think twice. 

My advice to other wives about sex is never let an argument or issues derail your sex life. If you are still married and working on the problems, there is no need to be withholding. Try not to let the romance go out of the marriage-take time for just the two of you away from the children and carefully consider how much babies can disrupt sex lives while you are planning your family....perhaps waiting a few years between kids can help. Never be afraid to try new things, unless they make you very uncomfortable.


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## Pandakiss

my husband go back and forth with LD/HD. i know in high drive, i cant stop thinking about it...sex dreams are the worst, usually because i know when i wake up he has already left for work..

he has asked the question to me.."if i was LD, would i want bj's so often.?" i think no, well maybe, we have sex, but i want more, and in my mind, we compromise. i slow and he speeds up a bit.

but bjs, thats sex. last week when it was march 14, he got about 5/6-??- that week, and we had sex twice. so is he low drive, or just more driven in other areas...???


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## diwali123

I don't want to be so "tit for tat" in terms of punishing him for turning me down. I think for me it's just I get tired of always being the one asking for it and his personality seems to be more suited to a pursuer type. So refusing him a few times seems to turn him on more. Maybe takes the pressure off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

humanbecoming said:


> I had the opposite problem- wife didn't want it as often as I.... In fact, we were talking about it tonight. I commented that some posters on TAM were happy with one or twice a week (she reads here too) she laughed and said that I was that way a few months ago. I reminded her that she was mistaken- I was NOT happy with it, but that's what I got. The MMSL book changed my life. We have a fantastic relationship, I just needed more sex. That book made it happen. She read it too, so it's not like it's a secret, but she hasn't tried any of the action plan stuff on me. I have to say that going from feeling like I was married but "alone", and wishing a bus would run over me and put me out of my misery, to getting it 10 or more times per week has been a huge relief. There are times that she still turns me down, and I do have a hard time with feeling rejected emotionally when that happens due to the years of feeling unwanted. I don't see why doing the action plan would hurt from a female perspective, and really, you have nothing to lose.


I'n really glad to hear things are going well for you and your marriage  That's great!

I do have a comment on "women" following MMSL (hint towards Athold too for the new versions coming out)..

The male ego is a fragile thing. It's unique to a woman's.
Not that I understand it, being a woman, but being a MAN is such a basis of being the strong one, the leader, Man UP, etc.

In a lot of cases, the lack of a male sex drive has an element of self esteem. They are broken down for whatever reason, feeling too rejected, not worthy. In those cases, having your wife suddenly start acting like the leader, she doesn't need her big strong man after all can have the effect of a nail in the coffin.(not talking about a 180 here, but a plan to be a strong indenpendent leader in the relationship).

The women's version of Married Sex Life has to be something that allows the man to feel like a man. Whatever gives him the confidence to become the leader, to feel comfortable accepting sexual advances.


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## chillymorn

act like a bit*ch so he won't want to have sex......


there done.


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## chillymorn

my above post was done in jest!


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## deejov

chillymorn said:


> act like a bit*ch so he won't want to have sex......
> 
> 
> there done.


I tried it... it works!!! Thanks, my weekend is saved. :smthumbup:


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## CandieGirl

humanbecoming said:


> She's not blaming you, no worries. she's claiming I'm a MMSL alter ego.


So what? I'm supposed to agree with everything that people post about on here?

I happen to be one of the few that doesn't believe in MMSL and this sex rank stuff - no offense to those of you who love it, or use it...


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## CandieGirl

humanbecoming said:


> Wow. Maybe some people just are happy that after 10 years of sexual frustration, they are finally getting some.....
> 
> If I find a recipe I really like, am I going to get accused if I share that too?


Not something I'm planning on putting up with for 10 years; after a few months, I started working on it. Wow. 10 years.


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## Love Song

I've heard that guys that cant keep up may be at a hormonal imbalance. Basically they aren't getting the normal amount of testosterone. I would have him see his doctor. 

Also does your man please you? Does he bring you to orgasm through intercourse? If he feels like he isn't satisfying you, he may have performance anxiety and that may put him off to having sex.


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## diwali123

Well I don't think Mmsl would work on me. I have sex bc it's fun and I love my husband, not because he works out and acts manly. On fact he does "manly" things but also cross dresses. 
I think you are right about the ego! Ok here's the story ...when we met we lived 40 miles apart in different states. He was separated I was divorced. He lost his job a d was on unemployment. 
We wanted to live together but I couldn't move to his state because my ex would have had a fit with my daughter being even further away in another state. We figured out if we put our money together we could both have a better housing situation for our kids. 
So we signed the lease to a place in my state. 
Then he found out that his ex wouldn't let him have 50/50 anymore because it was too far of a drive. He found out the state basically "owns" children and won't let a parent have 50/50 in another state even if they are only a mile away. 
He was really down about it to say the least. We have continued to make plans to try to get them 50/50, including buying a house closer to them and flat out asking his ex. She said no. (she wants the child support)
She has the kids convinced that it will be horrible disaster if they spend half their time with us but says its their decision if they want to. 
I thought that us getting engaged and moving in together was what brought his libido down but I'm thinking he felt like he lost to his ex in a lot of ways. Even though his life is better than it was with her and better than hers in many ways, he still feels like she got him. I think IC is helping him deal with those feelings thank god!!
I should add he did get a job and he's working now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Oh also I even suggested before the wedding that we get married and have two separate places so he could be with the kids more. He said no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

Okay, I may get slaughtered for this, but here's my .02

"How to woo your man to the point where he rip off your clothes"

Make him feel like he is the TOP DOG. Always.
The End.


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## CandieGirl

deejov said:


> Okay, I may get slaughtered for this, but here's my .02
> 
> "How to woo your man to the point where he rip off your clothes"
> 
> Make him feel like he is the TOP DOG. Always.
> The End.


Get ready....here it comes!!!! Slice, slice, cut, cut, hack, hack!!!

Just kiddin' ...

You'll come through it all OK; you seem to have a good attitude, OP. I went about it all wrong; I was trying to hard to fix him. The truth is I can't fix him, he can't fix himself, that's just the way he is wired. 

I can change this no more than I could change someone's sexual orientation.


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## diwali123

Yeah what to do when the ex has stolen his mental nads already? I guess IC. I've tried everything! We treat each other with respect, he knows I think he's the ****, I compliment him and defer to him
on things he's an expert on. I trust his word and his advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

There was a thread here awhile ago that had a link to the "stroke the ego or stroke the genitals" link.

But if the nads were stolen by somewhere else, you gotta get him a new pair first. 

Not to change the subject... but it's a running joke everyday at home. I'm the only one that gets it though.
We have two dogs. Both fixed. Female is older. She is the TOP *****, at the dog park, everywhere. She don't take no shet from no one. She's my sugar buddy. She's just like me 

The other dog is younger, male. He hides from people, loud noises, the cat, and would be LOST without top dog at the dog park. (She will beat off other dogs that come near him). I sometimes call him the nutless wondermutt. 

A friend suggested I look up a website on how to help the dog gain confidence. I often leave it open on the computer. Hoping someone else will read it. ")

Disclaimer... the techniques for encouraging a male dog to be more Alpha do NOT work on human men.

But the aspect of talking to a man about not getting enough sex is a near death sentence to an ego in some men. 

I would think it would be more productive to focus on the only two things I understand about men:

1) They are visual. There is validity in staying "hot" for your man and maintaining the fact that you still attract other dudes. BUT... Make him chase you a bit. They have to have that desire to mate with you and keep other dudes away. It's mostly confidence, not a certain size body, btw.

2) Never make them feel dumb.

And that's all I know. 
Gee, no wonder I'm a failure at marriage
:rofl:


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## deejov

It's ironic, isn't it?
The suggested ways to make a woman more attracted to a man include maning up and going back to the biological responses (making her feel safe, really) and yet there is this screaming aspect that a man can lose his desire for sex if he doesn't feel loved and appreciated? 

Same response, for the same reason, from both sexes.

We people are just morons after all. If we don't treat each other well, things fall apart. Gee.


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## diwali123

I'm smaller now than when we met. He has put on some weight. He said his shorts from last summer are too small. He's a skinny guy but has a small belly that keeps getting bigger. Last year when I did weight watchers he said he would help and cook and plan and we would do it together. Didn't happen. 
I started working out. He kept saying we should do it together. He went twice and then everytime I'd ask him to go he wouldn't. He started playing golf again so that's something. But it's not like running on a treadmill or lifting weights. 
I sprained my ankle 3 months ago and it's still not right. The only thing I can do is swim and he doesn't enjoy it. 
He used to run a lot with his ex. I don't know why he won't do this. 
Maybe it's part of feeling down about not having his kids. 
Also I think a huge part of his ego is owning a house. We're in the process of that, closing next month. He loves fixing things and renovating so I think that will help. He had to give up
his house in his divorce. 
I can already see a difference in him, maybe bc we got the offer accepted and he started IC. 
I think I'm going to start swimming and just see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## humanbecoming

diwali123 said:


> I'm smaller now than when we met. He has put on some weight. He said his shorts from last summer are too small. He's a skinny guy but has a small belly that keeps getting bigger. Last year when I did weight watchers he said he would help and cook and plan and we would do it together. Didn't happen.
> I started working out. He kept saying we should do it together. He went twice and then everytime I'd ask him to go he wouldn't. He started playing golf again so that's something. But it's not like running on a treadmill or lifting weights.
> I sprained my ankle 3 months ago and it's still not right. The only thing I can do is swim and he doesn't enjoy it.
> He used to run a lot with his ex. I don't know why he won't do this.
> Maybe it's part of feeling down about not having his kids.
> Also I think a huge part of his ego is owning a house. We're in the process of that, closing next month. He loves fixing things and renovating so I think that will help. He had to give up
> his house in his divorce.
> I can already see a difference in him, maybe bc we got the offer accepted and he started IC.
> I think I'm going to start swimming and just see what happens.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do anything you can to get him active... Probably 3 hours a week would be a good place to start, especially if he sits allot at work. 

It sounds like his main issue is depression, and being active could help that a bunch. 3 months from now we will be seeing posts from you about how to get your hubby to leave you alone for more than 6 hours


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## savannah

Unless women grow these on their bodies... FULL ATTENTION can take some time for the men folk...

1. Beer
2. Wide Screen TV with Football on
3. Wheels
4. Food
5. Tools

Maybe being in lingerie may work for some men... might work faster if were holding the above while in lingerie???


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## humanbecoming

savannah said:


> Unless women grow these on their bodies... FULL ATTENTION can take some time for the men folk...
> 
> 1. Beer
> 2. Wide Screen TV with Football on
> 3. Wheels
> 4. Food
> 5. Tools
> 
> Maybe being in lingerie may work for some men... might work faster if were holding the above while in lingerie???


I guess I'm weird, because none of those interest me more than her body by itself!


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## SimplyAmorous

Enchantment said:


> Here's also a good book for women that have husband's who aren't interested in sex. Gives a lot of clarity on the various issues that can result in a man who doesn't want sex, and a view in to the fact that it is not that uncommon of a problem.
> 
> He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It


 I bought this book 3 yrs ago... out of pure curiosity when my husbands sex drive was lagging behind my monsterous wanting it 3 times a day. 

I just got it out.. On page 14...it has the statistics ... It says...



> We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree...the following table lists in descending order the % of men who agreed with each of the causes.. Says the reason is seldom simple... may have physiological ,psychological or a cultural foundation, or even combined.
> 
> *WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED *:
> 
> 1. She isn't sexually adventerous enough for me 68 %
> 
> 2. She doesn't seem to enjoy sex 61%
> 
> 3. I am interested in sex with others -but not with my wife 48%
> 
> 4. I am angry at her (resentment) 44%
> 
> 5. I'm bored 41%
> 
> 6. She has gained a significant amount of weight 38 %
> 
> 7. I am depressed 34%
> 
> 8. I no longer find her physically attractive 32%
> 
> 9. I suffer from erectile dysfunction 30%
> 
> 10. I lost interest & don't know why 28%
> 
> 11. I prefer to masterbate but not online 25%
> 
> 12. I prefer to watch pornography online & masterbate 25%
> 
> 13. I am on medication that lowered my libido 21%
> 
> 14. I am/was having an affair 20%
> 
> 15. I suffer from premature ejaculation 16%
> 
> 16. I have difficulty acheiving orgasm 15%
> 
> 17. I am too tired 14%
> 
> 18. She is/was having an affair 9%
> 
> 19. I don't have the time 6%
> 
> 20. I wasn't interested in sex to begin with 3%
> 
> 21. I am gay < 1%


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## CandieGirl

deejov said:


> There was a thread here awhile ago that had a link to the "stroke the ego or stroke the genitals" link.
> 
> But if the nads were stolen by somewhere else, you gotta get him a new pair first.
> 
> Not to change the subject... but it's a running joke everyday at home. I'm the only one that gets it though.
> We have two dogs. Both fixed. Female is older. She is the TOP *****, at the dog park, everywhere. She don't take no shet from no one. She's my sugar buddy. She's just like me
> 
> The other dog is younger, male. He hides from people, loud noises, the cat, and would be LOST without top dog at the dog park. (She will beat off other dogs that come near him). I sometimes call him the nutless wondermutt.
> 
> A friend suggested I look up a website on how to help the dog gain confidence. I often leave it open on the computer. Hoping someone else will read it. ")
> 
> Disclaimer... the techniques for encouraging a male dog to be more Alpha do NOT work on human men.
> 
> But the aspect of talking to a man about not getting enough sex is a near death sentence to an ego in some men.
> 
> I would think it would be more productive to focus on the only two things I understand about men:
> 
> 1) They are visual. There is validity in staying "hot" for your man and maintaining the fact that you still attract other dudes. BUT... Make him chase you a bit. *They have to have that desire to mate with you and keep other dudes away. It's mostly confidence, not a certain size body, btw*.
> 
> 2) Never make them feel dumb.
> 
> And that's all I know.
> Gee, no wonder I'm a failure at marriage
> :rofl:


Yes and no...not a certain SIZE, but look up WHR. Waist to Hip Ratio...very interesting.

Explains a lot in my case (present circumstances excluded). I'm very 'hourglass'. Have been for years. My most productive ones...LMAO!!!


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## morituri

CandieGirl said:


> Yes and no...not a certain SIZE, but look up WHR. Waist to Hip Ratio...very interesting.
> 
> Explains a lot in my case (present circumstances excluded). I'm very 'hourglass'. Have been for years. My most productive ones...LMAO!!!



Curves ahead and I'm without breaks.


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## KanDo

diwali123 said:


> I don't want to be so "tit for tat" in terms of punishing him for turning me down. I think for me it's just I get tired of always being the one asking for it and his personality seems to be more suited to a pursuer type. So refusing him a few times seems to turn him on more. Maybe takes the pressure off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This just smacks of manipulation in my book......


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## CandieGirl

While he denies withholding, I was told by my H that 'it takes a long time for me to come back' after a fight...what he meant was that it takes the desire a long time to return, after periods of arguing.

In my book that is withholding. Even if it is subconcious.


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## deejov

Yeah, I had NO idea men were capable of resentment to the point of losing desire for sex. 

I've heard of it when the wife constantly rejects, and then they stop even asking... but I did not know that a man would stop wanting sex because of some lingering anger about something petty like not putting things away, or anything that may have bruised the ego in the slightest way.

I just kinda always thought they were always horny. They are guys, after all. 

I understood losing desire because of rejection, that's all.
Silly me.


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## chillymorn

deejov said:


> Yeah, I had NO idea men were capable of resentment to the point of losing desire for sex.
> 
> I've heard of it when the wife constantly rejects, and then they stop even asking... but I did not know that a man would stop wanting sex because of some lingering anger about something petty like not putting things away, or anything that may have bruised the ego in the slightest way.
> 
> I just kinda always thought they were always horny. They are guys, after all.
> 
> I understood losing desire because of rejection, that's all.
> Silly me.


as I get older this is starting to be more true.

as a young guy I could have been as mad as could be and still wanted to bang her. but now not so much. don't even think I could perform properly.

so it must be related to age/testosterone levels.

although I could still think about the hot chick at the gym and rub one out easy enough. while being mad.


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## Runs like Dog

Oh this topic is arch. A book by women talking about talking about talking about their feelings about talking about their feelings about men.


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## okeydokie

seeking sanity said:


> I'm in a low desire phase right now - don't feel horny, don't wake up with morning wood, don't feel motivated to even think of sex. I might masterbate to ease the pressure, but it's functional.
> 
> Why do I feel this way? Not totally sure. Partly just feel disconnected from my wife. I hardly get rejected now, but I do feel often like I'm being accommodated which doesn't help. Partly that often when I've allowed myself to feel anticipation, it hasn't worked out for whatever reason, so I've conditioned myself to not have expectations. Living in the moment keeps you from hurt feelings from unmet expectations, but the lack of anticipation does hurt your libido.


i didnt read past this post, it is right on the money

i have had my heart broken so many times, built up anticipation with no results. on the way home today i was letting myself think maybe i could have some intimate time with my wife. well i get through the door and she isnt feeling well and is now napping 10 feet away from me. i always get stomped on, everytime it happens i get a little less interested in continuing


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## okeydokie

deejov said:


> I just kinda always thought they were always horny. They are guys, after all.


i think alot of women count on this, and i think some take advantage of it. now we have a stuation where woman wants it more than a man and its all of a sudden perplexing. it seems when the roles are reversed its esily explained that the woman isnt having her emotional needs met

i am way less horny than i used to be, age and conditioning from my wife is why. im sure she is ok with it. i actually turn her down now and then, its not for revenge, i am just truly not interested all the time anymore


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## ocotillo

As I read this thread, I couldn't help wondering if any of the ladies here can mentally make their nipples become erect on command?

Like goose-bumps, erect nipples, etc. penile erection is an _autonomic response_. --Meaning a man does not have conscious control over it at all. 

When my wife and I were young and carefree, and full of energy, before there were children, braces, college educations, depreciation of Sec279 items brought forth from the previous tax year, etc., nudity or a hot whisper in the ear was all it took.

Somewhere along the way though, it started taking a few minutes for me to mentally shift gears. 

It sounds horrible to say this, but when my wife would suddenly walk into my office with nothing on but a hair ribbon, (Invariably while a difficult customer was yelling on the phone.) there would be a tiny little flash of resentment deep down inside. Her workday ended hours before mine did and it came across as a demand. Pressure is a mood killer for men as well as woman. 

When she is in the mood and I'm not, the "cure" is pretty simple. A little less pressure - A little more empathy. A few minutes to warm up to the idea is all it takes.


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## hollygolightly

Mavash. said:


> This and your other post about men getting tired of being nagged. In my case I was an angry wife which caused my husband to 'check out'. He simply gave up on having any sort of connection with me. I had to transform myself THEN wake him up to check back in. I'm fortunate in that it wasn't too late but it very well could have been.
> 
> In hindsight he wasn't happy to start with, sex slowed, I got angry, he wanted even less sex and so on and so on. I see it now.


I completely understand this NOW. Its seriously a vicious and heartbreaking cycle. I was at the breaking point a few days ago until I realized this...it really is cyclical.


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## SimplyAmorous

diwali123 said:


> I don't want to be so "tit for tat" in terms of punishing him for turning me down. I think for me it's just I get tired of always being the one asking for it *and his personality seems to be more suited to a pursuer type*. So refusing him a few times seems to turn him on more. Maybe takes the pressure off.


It seems many men enjoy a little "*chase*"....even in marriage is seems, if a wife comes on TOO strongly, pressure is immediately sensed.......or if they appear "too easy"....it can become a turn off ....they prefer subtle sexual cues being put out (a little lifting of the dress, making eyes)...while allowing him to come in for his prey. I've read alot of men's posts like this since I have been here. 

.... And I would think to myself.... Thank God my husband isn't like that .... OVERT works just fine for him ...a little sexual aggression seems to turn him on - so long as I make it *FUN*.. this makes him feel fiercely desired = fiercely loved. I asked what is better --subtle or aggressive.... he said they are both good... counts them the same. 

He laughed at me, asked if I was crazy once when I suggested my wanting sex was a "burden" to him. 

The more Alpha personalities are geared to be these Pursuers....they thrive on the ability to bring a woman to her knees panting for him- when she didn't start out that way. 

I did a thread on this once because my husband was never like this... he would try politely once (to win a girls heart even)... if the girl wasn't in to him, he was DONE... *the chase *held no allure for him......... same with sex....he might try kissing me at night, cop a feel... if he felt any hesitation on my part...he generally would put himself down & roll over. He was always very sensitive to even a "perceived" rejection...probably overly sensitive. 

I've come to learn.. I am the same way.....us feeling so strongly about this ....is a blessing to our marraige.. as we care so deeply that the other never feels that way again.... it is our gift of love. Plus you get an orgasm in the deal !  

I wouldn't say I nagged so much (though I had some emotional moments not liking the fact my drive was higher than his).......95% of the time ... I would just go into Vixen gear.... I studied books on how to please a man (loved this one >>  Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man 

.... I got very creative in seducing him when I was feeling like that......tried new oral techniques, went on a lingerie kick, tried new positions List of All Sex Positions  , flirting/teasing became my 2nd 
language ..... I would pull him outside for some sex on a swing, under a tree.. we played sex games, erotic message, started watching porn together, I planned romantic vacations for a change of atmoshere...... I did my damnest to make it very interesting.....new novelty ..... going out of my way for him to relax....working to get him primed.... 

His willingness to allow this ....was a lifesaver for us.


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## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> I did a thread on this once because my husband was never like this... he would try politely once (to win a girls heart even)... if the girl wasn't in to him, he was DONE... *the chase *held no allure for him......... same with sex....he might try kissing me at night, cop a feel... if he felt any hesitation on my part...he generally would put himself down & roll over. He was always very sensitive to even a "perceived" rejection...probably overly sensitive.
> 
> I've come to learn.. I am the same way.....us feeling so strongly about this ....is a blessing to our marraige.. as we care so deeply that the other never feels that way again.... it is our gift of love. Plus you get an orgasm in the deal !
> 
> ].


LOL............Here we go again SA!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> LOL............Here we go again SA!!!!!!


"The CHASE" holds no allure for you too Stonewall.....just like my husband....


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## Toffer

seeking sanity said:


> Why do I feel this way? Not totally sure. Partly just feel disconnected from my wife. I hardly get rejected now, but I do feel often like I'm being accommodated which doesn't help. Partly that often when I've allowed myself to feel anticipation, it hasn't worked out for whatever reason, so I've conditioned myself to not have expectations. Living in the moment keeps you from hurt feelings from unmet expectations, but the lack of anticipation does hurt your libido.


Seeking,

I really identified with this post of yours. I'm still working on the part about conditioning myself to not have expectations and am definitely headed down that path but not 100% there yet and I get a bit pis$ed at myself if I stumble.

The sad part about all this is the deepening level of disconnect I feel but to tell you the truth, it's a lot less painful and soul crushing (never mind ego busting) as the past rejections


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## MmHo

I left my STBXH 9months ago. He liked sex alright but only when it was being performed on him... just lay there in complete ecstasy(his words). He could not return any pleasure to me because he was a bit wooden in that area so he said....Duh! HIS favourite programme was sexetera... and even I learnt the odd thing or two from that series!!

No amount of explaining or encouragement would make him want to do anything that was not related to his own satisfaction.

His favourite saying was how are you going to entertain me this evening...WTF!! After hearing this so many times I just got out both ipods and challenged him to a game of SCRABBLE!!

His other favourite line was when he asked me if I would like an afternoon of wild passionate sex I asked him who with? and then told him to go ahead and start without me...LOL


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## Mavash.

deejov said:


> But the aspect of talking to a man about not getting enough sex is a near death sentence to an ego in some men.


I learned this the hard way.


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## Runs like Dog

A sex book for by for women would undoubtedly run to some absurd length that no one but other women would read. My Soncino Talmud is 27 volumes and it would be more concise.


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## Runs like Dog

SamIam77 said:


> If you consistently reject a man ... he will still want to have sex, but he will stop wanting to have sex with you! Lingering anger has that effect on all, male and female.


Actually no. Eventually desire dies for everyone all around. If it can die in one spouse it can die in the other too.


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## deejov

RLD
For some people that is true. It can simply die.
But not all. Some do still retain their sense of intimacy and simply seek it elsewhere. Those that no longer tie it to their sense of self esteem, anyways.


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