# afraid of loosing stepchildren in divorce



## lost and definition less (Oct 11, 2021)

I put the subject as divorce but we never married. However my 6+ years Boyfriend and my stepson and I all live together and have been for 4 years. I have been with him as a parent from 6 until 10. taking to school everyday laundry lunches games, homework, school functions, teaching, vacations .... life. My boyfriend had promised marriage and life long commitment and I moved from California to the east coast to be with him and his son while he was going though a 4 year prolonged nasty divorce. Since then all of those promises disappeared even monogamy which I doubt ever really existed between us. His son naturally became our son on his own. I love him and he loves me and it's easy and fun. My son calls me Lovely Love, or manamana and tells me he loves me all the time. But my now ex as of yesterday wants to extricate me from his life and discuss how to do that immediately. He told me this on my 50th bday. I'm so devastated I can't breathe. I don't even know how I could bring myself to break my promise to our little boy. To tell him I have to leave him. This seems impossible to say and to not completely breakdown in front of him. Has anyone had this conversation with their step son? or daughter? I have no rights and I doubt his father will give me any visitation as he's still constantly fighting with his ex wife about everything. How can I assure my son I'm there should he ever need me but they will likely never let him call me. In retrospect I was always treated by my Boyfriend as second or third class. Our son never treated me like that. He loved me instantly and I love him. He immediately asked me to be apart of the family and is constantly making me rings. He knows something is not right.

any idea on how to navigate this dark tunnel. I feel like I'll never recover from losing my son. As a child of divorce myself I never thought I would be doing this to any child in my life. It is against every fiber of my being. I am 50 and this breakup will likely mean loosing my home and my business as everything there is joint between my ex and I and the last thing I would ever do is uproot my son so of course I won't take his home or make us sell it. _ Not a wife not a mother in title but did lived those roles with all my heart and now I'm in pieces and peeled used, used up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What was the time-sharing arrangement between the boy and his biological parents? How many days a week/month was he with his biological mother?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Honey, gently, this is not "our little boy" nor is he "your son". He has a mother and father. You are a friend, a caretaker, but you are not biologically or legally family. This is a hard reality you need to accept and then you need to let go.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Unless the biological parents are willing to let you maintain contact, I'm afraid you have no choice. The courts will defer to them.



lost and definition less said:


> I was always treated by my Boyfriend as second or third class.


Yes. You were absolutely used. I also understand there's no solace in that. I'm sorry you have to endure this, you don't deserve it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This breaks my heart for you and the child. I can't believe how cruel some parents are towards their children. You have been like a mother to him for all these years and now his dad is going to yet again rip his family apart. Poor kid. 
I am so sorry. You were probably the only stable influence in his life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The only 'right' you _may_ have is the shared business.

This is for an attorney to decide.

I would secretly give the child your email and phone number. 

You can keep in touch with him that way, until he becomes 18, and then can meet with him freely and legally.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

All is not lost.

You lost one piece of gold, the little dear boy.
You lost a huge chunk of sharp edged, volcanic rock with that horrible man you lived with.

You gained your freedom.
Now, you can find a worthy man, not that worthless one that wasted years of your life.

That little boy will _one day_ find you again, as his own man, so all is not lost.

Somehow, keep in touch with him.


_Lilith-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is the children that unfairly suffer from the parents bad behavior and sins.
The parent's fate become theirs, by default.

The child's new beginning is fraught with strife.

What is laid before them, are those cold mountain passes that cannot be overcome at such, their tender age.

The pain delivered by one's own blood is often many time worse than what indifferent strangers might carelessly offer up.

One's _*FOO _can inflict wounds that a lifetime cannot ease, nor erase.


*_family of origin.



King Brian-_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The hard, sad truth is that you are going to have to move in with your life. 
You will put yourself in a huge legal bind if you pursue contact with the child, and since his father and likely his mother will not want you in his life, you’re just going to be forced to move on, which is really best for you.

One of the hardest things in life is closing the book on relationships, because we really have zero control over the motives and feelings of other people.

My advice is get the best attorney you can afford, and Accept you’re not going to have that little fellow in your life anymore. Get a fair settlement on your business and work toward building a new life.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I'm so sorry but you have no legal rights to the child. At best you can ask the bio parent if you can say good bye to assure the child that it's not them. But once you & the bio parent split you have to leave the kid alone. It's too confusing for the child. 

You may have rights to the business but all the rest . . you are starting with a clean slate. Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_What is legal and what is right are often polar opposites.
The laws on the books, so often, do not properly match the needs of the living._


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Moving in with someone whose still married to another likely doesn’t work out well very often. You were fully committed; he wasn’t. He may even have sent you packing because he felt his son was growing, well, too committed to you.

I would suggest individual counseling to you, to help you get past this and make sure there’s nothing that needs to be looked into, patterns of behavior, that display a tendency towards srlf-deception. You’re 50; you need to be prepared for the next 30 years. What do you want them to be; how can you get there?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You can't really change the out come of the child situation but if the business is joint then you get 1/2. Make sure you don't let him 'extricate' you unless you want that.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lost and definition less said:


> My boyfriend had promised marriage and life long commitment and I moved from California to the east coast to be with him and his son while he was going though a 4 year prolonged nasty divorce. Since then all of those promises disappeared even monogamy which I doubt ever really existed between us.


I don't know why I missed this the first time. So you're saying he's currently cheating and that he was likely cheating the past whatever years? 

Do you know why his previous marriage went south? I'm just guessing...


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## lost and definition less (Oct 11, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> What was the time-sharing arrangement between the boy and his biological parents? How many days a week/month was he with his biological mother?


49/51 time split he calls our house home and his mother's house his grandma's house because she is the one caring for him although the don't speak the same language.


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## lost and definition less (Oct 11, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> I don't know why I missed this the first time. So you're saying he's currently cheating and that he was likely cheating the past whatever years?
> 
> Do you know why his previous marriage went south? I'm just guessing...


Cheating I'm ashamed to say. I believed him when he said it wasn't but now I can truly see this is not true. He hides so many things. I can't even imagine what the truth is. Also he was divorced when we moved in together.


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## lost and definition less (Oct 11, 2021)

TJW said:


> Unless the biological parents are willing to let you maintain contact, I'm afraid you have no choice. The courts will defer to them.
> 
> Yes. You were absolutely used. I also understand there's no solace in that. I'm sorry you have to endure this, you don't deserve it.


Thank you


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