# Marriage LIES...?



## Philly59801 (Oct 23, 2017)

So, here I am writing to the interweb and asking advice. My husband and I talked for a while then when we met we were married shortly after. A lot has happened since then (10.5 months now) and we are finally settling in our own place. We are finally able to start our life together. No more living with his family (I haven't had anything to do with any of my family for years and plan on spending the rest of my life without any of them... Thanks for the PTSD and mental problems but I am all set after years of therapy and help. Long story for another time), no more drama and problems they cause, no more anything. Well I am at a loss... My husband and I haven't always seen eye to eye but have always somehow managed to plow through the problems (up until we moved into our own place it was all caused by outside influences... not friends where neither of us have any friend worth keeping around and not have negativity or animosity come from. Again, all set.) and move on. Even through the 4 times my husband left with absolutely no reason whatsoever other than his own family getting into his already damaged brain (Husband was in a bad MVA 12 years ago, comma for over a month etc. and has been battling the after effects for years. Glad I came along and finally started caring enough to get the medical attention this problem needed after fighting with his dearest mother about weather or not he needed treatment for the conscious seizures turning into full blown seizures - due to stress) and convincing him I am no good for him.... ONLY because they don't like that he started thinking and doing for himself and his new family... I STILL stayed with him and fought for US the whole time. Through all the b.s. and drama, through all the financial problems (caused by one family member), through the 3 months we spent homeless moving around until finally getting housing and a place. This was to be our start, FINALLY. I know there is a lot more to our story than I am writing and more than I COULD write.....
Here is where I am lost:
My husband claims to have 86'ed his family out of our life. None of them know our new address or phone number (well phone number again and will explain in just a minute.... the reason for my asking advice on here actually) When we were getting ready to move in it was he wanted the drama and gossip and all their b.s. to not be part of our life. Something we both agreed that would be best for him was to take a break from all the madness and people causing his stress and causing his seizures. One family member and I do NOT get along and they have tried several times to cause problems between us, even messing up our finances for 4 months. This is the same family member that tells my husband one thing and tells me the complete opposite and sits back to see if they got a fight going.... the one who, truthfully, told me to "Go get yourself 'checked'." because when I was told he was staying there they claim just my stepson was there and not him at nights (8p-8a could NEVER get a hold of him every time he has left his family... so doubts were already there) when we had gotten back together this last time before the move. So every argument now it gets thrown at me that this was supposed to be our new start that things would be different now we are by ourselves and how he gave up EVERYONE in his family for ME... Yes, you are reading that correct... So to call this family member so our new number is still private an app was downloaded to our phone. The app was having problems so I was trying to find another one with a phone number in our state. During the issues with that we were arguing about stupid **** for a couple days. Every time I would say anything he would pick a fight from it. He ended up calling that trouble making family member with the regular phone and then went in and deleted the call from the log.... When he told me he had used the app to call and there was no app, I asked which app did you use? YEP, caught in another lie.... only THIS time he is proud that he lied and claims he is not sorry at all for the lie! He claims I made him lie because he is constantly calling and checking in still with the family member (whom is still ****ing with his head apparently... How else can I explain the nasty way he talks to me when on the phone with this person and after picks another fight.... and has him so that he is willing and HAPPY to lie to his WIFE. 
HELP!!! I have no clue what to do or where to begin on fixing this problem and getting my marriage back. All of it! I feel like my trust and faith is gone and I don't know how I can deal with a husband who wants to lie to me for ANY reason.... I am not even dwelling on all the hurt and doubt he caused before moving in here but when we got here there was a dirty pair of ladies panties, size L, in his clothes.... Claims they must have been his mothers or stepmothers from living with them.... they are both small like me and between the two may equal a large but whatever. I looked past it because I didn't want to think he would have ever stepped out on me like that. (even tho the other times he has left there were signs and proof that he tried but never succeeded.... claims it never did... so MY doubts are valid) so look beyond all the massive mound of B.S. and help me understand what to do! How can I ever believe him again if he is so proud to have lied, not sorry, and thinks I will just forget and move on like I always have. This is big to me because this was supposed to be OUR time now. Our life we can finally have with our family (my kids and his kids). How do I get him to see that lying to me has made my heart not want to ever believe him again. How can I stop my heart and soul from feeling so betrayed and used? How can he get mad at my 17 y/o for lying to him about anything but wears his lie on his chest, flaunting it like a medal???


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Wow! The answer is your own writing!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you married a man you barely knew who is a mess. His life is a mess and his family are a mess. Presumably you met on line and only communicated on line for ages. I am not sure what this man has gong for him to be honest.
He has already left you 4 times(!) and lies to you constantly. He puts his family before you and doesn't treat you with any respect. 
I think you will have a life full of drama and arguments.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are a lot of problems here, but I am not entirely sure if they are all what you seem to think they are.

You have issues with your family and either your husband has issues with his family, or you think that he should have issues with his family, which may not be the same thing.

You have no friends, either. Why?



> ...not friends where neither of us have any friend worth keeping around and not have negativity or animosity come from


You have problems with your family, his family and you have problems with all of your friends and his friends, too.

Why would you get animosity and negativity from the friends of yourself and your husband? :scratchhead:

I would suggest counselling for both of you as individuals and as a couple.


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## Philly59801 (Oct 23, 2017)

5ruthfully i gave up my friends because he didnt like the hippie lifestyle and people. He gave up his only because they all used to do or deal drugs with him. When he got out of prison 2 years ago his mother was still raising the little one till i came into the picture. All she did with him was sit him in front of the tv and listen to his fits about wanting something and buying it so now he still asks for everything he sees and still gets mad when told no. Even trying to set a tv limmit for him has been tough where his father doesnt see how damaging it is for his learning and speach as well as his talking back mouthy attitude. (Mind you my kids are 17,13 and 11.... none of them would have EVER acted the way this kid does... even on their worst day). He was in prison for ex wife apparently getting caught in bed with nother man but she tells me he was meeting girls online.... my issue with that is he was flirting with the same girl his ex caught a month after he and i got married... and 2 days before my bday he signed up for instantf**kbook. Com and hasnt done anything with it. Most he has done is emqil girls from craigslist personals (****s looking to hook up) and an ex apparently wanted to come apologize for the way thhey ended bu freshning up after work then stopping by to see him at his mothers only i found out and threatened to end her life and what do you know that day he came back to me. He just shipped little one off and says he is still not sorry for the lie.... i dont think i am being too smart here in letting him walk all over me again and again but i love him and dont want the little one to go through loosing another person in his life....


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## Philly59801 (Oct 23, 2017)

Am i ever going to see respect and honor from this man? He is a different person since me but i dont see him being able to not lie to me or keep saying hurtful things. Every arguement even if it is he hurt my feelings is always my fault and i am the only one sorry for my words... every fight is just him trying to pick because i actually call him out on his bs.... tbi though and is this something tbat can be fixed?


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Philly59801 said:


> Am i ever going to see respect and honor from this man? He is a different person since me but i dont see him being able to not lie to me or keep saying hurtful things. Every arguement even if it is he hurt my feelings is always my fault and i am the only one sorry for my words... every fight is just him trying to pick because i actually call him out on his bs.... tbi though and is this something tbat can be fixed?




No, I don’t think you will. I’m sorry. I think you’d need to implement and enforce some serious boundaries and I don’t think he’s willing to do the work he’d need to do. 

You really should read Codependent No More for starters.


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