# Please help me decide what to do



## flippymendoza

Ok, my SO and I had a very bad year last year, fighting constantly and to the extremes. In November we got in a big fist fight (not uncommon for us last year) and I moved everything out and in with my mother. I didn't talk to him at all for the month of december. I took time and thought about what I want, what kind of person I want to be, how I can cope with situations that come of (you know reflecting and whatnot). Well, on New Year's Eve we met back up and decided to start seeing each other a little bit at a time just to see how things went. Well, everything's been pretty great. We had started just seeing each other on weekends, and here lately I've been staying whole weeks over there (this was a gradual process). We do still fight/argue, but I can tell there's a big difference in the way we both respond to what the other one says now. There's a whole lot more laughing things off rather than fueling the fire more now. I think we have come to understand exactly who the other person is as an individual, and to respect the other person's space. For example, I am not anything close to perfect. I would constantly check his phone or what have you for evidence of him cheating on me (from being cheated on in previous relationships, not by him) and now I don't even touch his phone at all, and he doesn't touch mine anymore either (to my knowledge). There are a couple of things that I do worry about however, like sometimes when it's late at night (I am a night person) and I go outside to smoke a cigarette, he comes outside and just looks at me from the doorway and then goes back inside, and I can't help but feel like it's because he's checking to see if I am on the phone with someone. We are both jealous type of people. And while it has been 4 months now that we have been back together, and everything seem very very much improved, there are still little things that bug me, and I wonder if they are little and can just be looked over, or if they're red flags signaling that these things will snowball into much bigger things like last year if I move back in. The reason I am writing this is because I need an opinion, because I can't tell the difference. What do you think???


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## DanF

I think that if you do not respect your spouse, your life partner enough to keep from physically hitting him or her, you have no chance and do not need to be together.
If arguments get physical, all respect is gone and there are two people that are too immature to control their anger.


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## flippymendoza

did you read the entire thing? or did i not come across clearly?


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## DelinquentGurl

I think it is possible to change your life and change your relationship. I wish you the best of luck.
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## DelinquentGurl

P.S. I also think that it is important to keep up with the communication to make sure you don't end up back where you were. Too many times couples get back together and let the same patterns repeat themselves and then they are back to square 1.

Why are you jealous? Have you guys done MC or C on your own? You both need to realize that you are only responsible for your own actions and you cannot control the other person or their decisions. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.
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## flippymendoza

thanks for responding. I actually did move back in, and we know what our flaws in our relationship and in ourselves are. I have been learning how to get in touch with what I'm feeling, and trying to explain how I feel and what makes me feel that way as it comes up. I'm not exactly sure where my jealousy stems from (except maybe the fact that I have seen way too many cheating men in life) and I am still having some trouble with it. But I am trying to improve, and I have noticed quite a bit recently where I'd normally say something and start a fight, that now I am getting better at acknowledging that I am feeling jealous, accepting it, and convincing myself that there is no reason to start a fight over something I am imagining, or am blowing out of proportion. I remind myself that I do not believe in my heart he is cheating on me (he is the first man i can say that about) because he comes home at the same time every day, never ditches me to go with his friends, he's very family oriented - exactly what I want in a man/husband. And he has been showing wonderful improvement on his jealousy also. I think we respect each other a lot more now, and understand what the other person expects out of a partner. We have had a couple of fights, but even so, I can see where we communicate more effectively, and end up in each other's arms at the end of it.
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## Lorraine M

Sounds like you are on the right path but without MC or some sort of C there is always a risk of falling into old habits. That's not to say it won't work out, and I hope it does, but I firmly believe a good counselor, and my H and I wasted 3 years with someone who did nothing, no goals, no nothing and we kept thinking, this isn't like other couples have told us about, can help you navigate and avoid future issues. It truly is about yourself You can't change what the other person does but you can change your reactions to the things and often times their reactions become different, as do yours if it is his reaction which changes, which makes things better. You will argue, but you will learn how to argue and decide what is worth the battles. Again, it sounds like you going in the right direction but even if insurance doesn't cover it, find someone who works within a time frame, for ex: we have a therapist in my area that sets 8 week time frame for couples therapy, and you work your tush off, but I've heard the accomplishment is phenomenal in growth. Not only will it help you in your relationship here, but in other relationships as well. My H and I are having major problems, he's having mental health issues and the therapist we went to never picked up on depression..anyhow, he is now seeing a psychiatrist, getting meds, but the doc is of the school of "ok, if you want it to work, here is what you need to do and I will hold you accountable". unfortunately, we have to get past the med adjustment part now and all that goes with, which is ugly so I've continued counseling, again, to work on my reactions and myself, so hopefully when he comes out of his problems, I am better equiped to be the spouse I wanted to be and now allow frustration overtake me..with a good six weeks or so here and there..before it was back to square one. Good Luck.


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