# Am I being stupid?



## ScaredAndNervous (Feb 21, 2013)

Ok background on us:
I'm 33 and my wife is 29. We've been together for about 14 years. We've been married for almost 7 years. we have two kids ages 5 and 2. 

Last year I had some medical issues, kinda freaked out and started emailing/sending pics in attempts to hook up with strangers (no excuses; just the facts). After about 3-4 months my wife found out and busted me. There was no physical contact made with anyone. She knows all of the details. 

It made me wake up and realize what I had. I went to some counselling on my own and found some good answers. She almost left me but decided to give MC a shot. It's helped quite a bit I think. We both realized some things about ourselves we didn't know. 

The issue I have is that we are not having ANY kind of sex. Wife wanted to end MC but the MT told us we should probably wait until we are having sex again. She agreed in office to try various things to work up to sex but so far has not done so. Whenever sex is off the table our relationship is great - we get along, cuddle, kiss and have a good time. Whenever its bedtime and I mention sex or try anything its a big deal typically. Its been 8 months since she found out about the emails and still nothing. It's VERY hard to go that long without sex; I'm about to go crazy. We've always kind of fought about frequency of sex over the years but this is the worst. I'd say typically we would have sex 2 times per month on average. I think she's using sex as a weapon against me. She says she forgives me and I'm being totally upfront when she asks me details but I need love and physical affection. I feel myself withdrawing from her. I'm at the point where I wonder if this will be thrown in my face and used against me for the rest of my life. 

I'm the sole provider; she stays home with the kids. I love her very much but it's almost making me start to resent her. I don't/want to live in a sexless marriage. I've told her that numerous times in the past. 

In the past she's even (jokingly?) told me to get a G/F and leave her alone. I'm confused if I want to push the issue and deliver an ultimatum or give it more time or just walk. Not sure if I'm being stupid, selfish or if it's time to move past this issue.

Thoughts? Thanks for reading! Men and women's thoughts appreciated!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yikes!

It doesn't sound like the marriage is back on solid ground. I find it odd she wanted to stop MC but still hasn't had sex with you. This kind of suggests her mind is telling her she has reached a plateau in rebuilding and this is as good as it gets. She clearly hasn't fully reinvested herself and sex is an excellent barometer.

Next session with MC you might want to lay it out fully. You can't continue investing in a sexless relationship. Her refusal communicates her lack of investment. She needs to be honest with you. She may not ever be able to fully trust you again and is biding her time until your kids are older, hoping that maybe something inside her will change. 

It will only get worse unless she is forced to be honest. Can she fully trust you and resume sex, or is she just waiting?


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## ScaredAndNervous (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes when I ask her if she thinks M/C is helping...she said it did help alot in the beginning but not now...she thinks its a waste of money. I ask her if there is anything more I can do to start regaining her trust and she just says she "doesn't know" and to give her "time". I don't know how much more time I got in me. I'm trying not to be an ass here because I am the one who messed up but geez. 8 months? It wouldn't be such an issue if we didn't have issues with it before. I'm just worried that this will be something that hangs over my head indefinitely. She's already threw it up to me a couple of times whenever we get into disagreements or if she's feeling irritable. I just don't when enough is enough. Please keep the thoughts coming. Thanks Anon Pink!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Look, if what you did 8 months ago did not include actual touching and did not include an actual relationship, she needs to decide, rebuild or move on. I don't know much about affairs and healing from that, but having been married for 28 years I can tell you that coasting only leads to stand still. She can't say, "I don't know.." anymore. Times up! Make a decision that you either WORK toward rebuilding, which must include sex, or we work toward a decision to separate.

Frankly, I think she is punishing you for both the affair behavior AND for getting sick. She has cut herself off from you because how dare you get sick, and then how dare you be unfaithful!

How long do you have to be cut off before the punishment is over? When she does consent again, will this lead to more years of dishing out sex only when you've jumped through enough hoops? 

You really screwed up but it seems like she is enjoying the punishment, knowing how much this hurts you. This isn't how people in love treat each other.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Time to have a talk with her sex or separate like anon said. You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with. If she does nothing you have your answer.


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## scaz (Sep 3, 2013)

Well some suggested I have heard in the past is to work on yourself. 

1. Eat better and work out more. Make her want you. next time your cuttling make sure you more active and inch your way forward. 

2. Another thing I have hear is to put together a game plan with dates. Let her know you are planning on moving on if things don't move forward. 

3. Finally suggestion is you could always just try time apart. Let her know what she is missing in you. Take the kids and go to your families house or just get away for a week or two.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

scaz said:


> Well some suggested I have heard in the past is to work on yourself.
> 
> 1. Eat better and work out more. Make her want you. next time your cuttling make sure you more active and inch your way forward.
> 
> ...



Those are all really great suggestions but they are generally given to men who aren't getting any, but haven't a clue as to why. You know why you aren't getting any, she doesn't trust you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You screwed up....very badly....fully own it. It sounds like you do.She has all your passwords to all your accounts correct? 
Just my two cents but there was problems in your marriage, at least sexually, way before you started emailing strangers correct?


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

As a former WS, let me tell you that you probably have to be more patient here. 8 months isn't that long in the recovery process and not much at all in relation to the lifetime together that you are working to salvage. Talk to her about it. Not in a whiney or demanding way. Don't make it about her "giving you sex," that's not the issue. Let her know how much you value intimacy and closeness with her, including but not limited to sex, and how important you think it is to building a stronger connection and better communication. Let her know that you understand why it might be difficult for her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes/whatever she needs to get this right with her but make sure to tell her how much you miss the intimacy. See how she reacts. You've given her reasons to be uncomfortable about sex, even 8 months on, and if that's what's driving this and she'd like to do it but just can't bring herself to, suck it up and give her the time and reassurance she needs. On the other hand, if she's using sex as a vindictive weapon or just taking advantage of the excuse to deny you because she's just not that into sex under any circumstances, then you are justified in making it an issue - not because of the lack of sex itself but because it's a sign of her lack of commitment to the relationship.
Otherwise, keep up the good work.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Maybe the answers you found in MC were not sufficient for her.

Did you do IC? Your marriage wasn't what was broken before you did this. You broke the marriage.

You wanted hookups. Nice. So what if there was no physical contact. The intention was clear. Imagine how she feels. Intention is enough to damn you. 

Medical issues are a really lousy excuse. I don't think you are really owning what you did. 

Would you have continued if you hadn't been caught? 

You said "strangers" and not women. Were men (also) involved?

What parts of the story aren't we being told?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredAndNervous (Feb 21, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You screwed up....very badly....fully own it. It sounds like you do.She has all your passwords to all your accounts correct?
> Just my two cents but there was problems in your marriage, at least sexually, way before you started emailing strangers correct?


Other than the frequency argument there weren't any issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredAndNervous (Feb 21, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Maybe the answers you found in MC were not sufficient for her.
> 
> Did you do IC? Your marriage wasn't what was broken before you did this. You broke the marriage.
> 
> ...


I did some IC until we started MC then stuck with that. There were men involved to the fact of organizing swingers, 3 somes other kinky stuff. I honestly don't know if I would have kept going. ..I know it made me feel like crap and extremely guilty the entire time. I was very relieved in a way when the truth came out. I felt over my head. I try to fully own my actions. I wasn't using the medical stuff as an excuse just as background why it started.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredAndNervous (Feb 21, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> As a former WS, let me tell you that you probably have to be more patient here. 8 months isn't that long in the recovery process and not much at all in relation to the lifetime together that you are working to salvage. Talk to her about it. Not in a whiney or demanding way. Don't make it about her "giving you sex," that's not the issue. Let her know how much you value intimacy and closeness with her, including but not limited to sex, and how important you think it is to building a stronger connection and better communication. Let her know that you understand why it might be difficult for her and that you are willing to do whatever it takes/whatever she needs to get this right with her but make sure to tell her how much you miss the intimacy. See how she reacts. You've given her reasons to be uncomfortable about sex, even 8 months on, and if that's what's driving this and she'd like to do it but just can't bring herself to, suck it up and give her the time and reassurance she needs. On the other hand, if she's using sex as a vindictive weapon or just taking advantage of the excuse to deny you because she's just not that into sex under any circumstances, then you are justified in making it an issue - not because of the lack of sex itself but because it's a sign of her lack of commitment to the relationship.
> Otherwise, keep up the good work.


What is WS?

Idk what is causing the hesitation. ..I think she's scared. I just wish shed be upfront with me. Dont tell me we are moving past it and shell try to be more sexual in MC but then change it completely when were home alone. I try to wine and dine her and woo her constantly. Shes an incredible woman...I just don't if these issues will tear us apart or not. Thanks everyone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

Your wife may forgive you, but I bet she doesn't trust you. And that trust is key for love and intimacy. She may never trust you again. Without the trust, goodbye sex. Can you live with that?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> As a former WS, let me tell you that you probably have to be more patient here. 8 months isn't that long in the recovery process and not much at all in relation to the lifetime together that you are working to salvage.
> 
> Talk to her about it. Not in a whiney or demanding way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This is brilliant! Hope you don't mind I highlighted the parts I thought were particularly excellent. Really great post!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

ScaredAndNervous said:


> I did some IC until we started MC then stuck with that. There were men involved to the fact of organizing swingers, 3 somes other kinky stuff. I honestly don't know if I would have kept going. ..I know it made me feel like crap and extremely guilty the entire time. I was very relieved in a way when the truth came out. I felt over my head. I try to fully own my actions. I wasn't using the medical stuff as an excuse just as background why it started.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People at AA justify leaving the program because they aren't *that* bad, too. You were bad enough to risk your family for this. They started not being *that* bad, too

If you hadn't gotten caught would you have stopped and confessed and dealt with your problems? Doubtful.

Not an excuse, just background of WHY it started.

Um. No. When it started, perhaps. Why? No way.

Are you starting to see what flaws there are in your rationalizations?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaveWalters (Aug 26, 2013)

If you previously fought about frequency, and that 2x per month was typical, than not having sex in 8 months isn't a stretch for her. Sounds like she's too LD to be famished by any lack of intimacy. LD women are ok with not having sex, in my experience.

Nice work taking responsibility for what you did and seeking help.

Not sure what's going to end this impasse. More time? A good heart to heart?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

So....while your wife was home caring for the house, your 4 year old and your 1 year old and nursing you back to health from whatever medical issue you didn't disclose....I bet she got REALLY exhausted being a parent to THREE children (as yep men usually revert to boydom when they are "sick")

How was she rewarded for HONORING you in SICKNESS and in health, with being your nurse, your maid, your personal assistant, your children's nanny.....

You claim to have an Emotional Affair....yet later you go on to explain that it was some pretty seedy stuff that YOU even felt like crap and were "over your head" involving other men arranging for swinging and threesomes etc.

whatever.....

I can certainly understand why your wife is hesitant to believe anything you have to say...let alone have sex with you.

By all means, give her a deadline as to when she must let you fvuck her or you are leaving. Maybe then she will again see your true colors. 

I am sure you watered down your real philandering, and you claim to be RELIEVED how it all came out - meaning you got caught so you trickled half-truths thinking it was going to save your azz. 
Again, no-brainer that she doesn't trust you. Plus, hmm, wonder if she should worry about getting an STD from you. 

I hope that she and your children are able to find another more worthy man to take your place. 

Have you thought about that? What lengths will you go with restitution and understanding and patience to pick up the pieces of your FAMILY and of your "marriage?" She actually didn't kick your sorry butt to the curb...she agreed to go to MC. There is hope. But not if you remain so selfish and self-centered.
There is NO specific formula to know HOW long you have to repent before you are back in her good graces. But being a jerk and whining about not having sex with her certainly won't work. 

I wish love, luck and peacefulness to your wife and children. Poor babies, hope they don't have to lose their nuclear family simply because Dad is too self-indulgent.


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