# Has exWH broken No Contact?



## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

My exWH had an emotional affair with a woman he met on a group in Facebook that he is the admin for. I caught them and he cut her off. He sent her a NC letter and deleted and blocked her on Facebook. That was several months ago.

I recently found out that since that time he has kept her on as a contact on a instant messenger app on his phone. From the history it does not look like he chatted with her, but he was logging in each day and so was the ow. 

I made him pack and go stay with a friend. And he is begging to come back and swears he never contacted her. From what I can see online that is true. But I want to know if others think he broke NC by logging into this instant chat site every day where she is the last couple months?


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Turningacorner said:


> My exWH had an emotional affair with a woman he met on a group in Facebook that he is the admin for. I caught them and he cut her off. He sent her a NC letter and deleted and blocked her on Facebook. That was several months ago.
> 
> I recently found out that since that time he has kept her on as a contact on a instant messenger app on his phone. From the history it does not look like he chatted with her, but he was logging in each day and so was the ow.
> 
> I made him pack and go stay with a friend. And he is begging to come back and swears he never contacted her. From what I can see online that is true. But I want to know if others think he broke NC by logging into this instant chat site every day where she is the last couple months?



Would seem tempting to have her that close in his phone. Hard to say if he did or didn't. Trust is very hard to earn back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Turningacorner said:


> My exWH had an emotional affair with a woman he met on a group in Facebook that he is the admin for. I caught them and he cut her off. He sent her a NC letter and deleted and blocked her on Facebook. That was several months ago.
> 
> I recently found out that since that time he has kept her on as a contact on a instant messenger app on his phone. From the history it does not look like he chatted with her, but he was logging in each day and so was the ow.
> 
> I made him pack and go stay with a friend. And he is begging to come back and swears he never contacted her. From what I can see online that is true. But I want to know if others think he broke NC by logging into this instant chat site every day where she is the last couple months?


Why did he keep her as a contact? He needs to answer this question to your complete satisfaction.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

He might have deleted the chat history in that app.

Schedule a polygraph test to figure out if he has broken NC. I would also suggest MC for you. For a marriage to be successful, you two need to be on the same wavelength and be clear about your needs and boundaries from each other. If he refuses to do either, contact an attorney.

Good luck.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. I don't think he has contacted her as he has this app on his laptop where I have a device to track his activity. I did not see any. I asked him why and he said he didn't notice she was there. Uhmm???? Lies. Then he said that he had no intention of talking to her so it made no difference if she was a friend. I think he still broke NC. I am not sure I have overreacted to kick him out of our home. We have a child together.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Turningacorner said:


> I asked him why and he said he didn't notice she was there. Uhmm???? Lies. Then he said that he had no intention of talking to her so it made no difference if she was a friend.
> *Hard to believe he didn't notice her there. So if he had no intentions of talking to her then it would have been really easy to delete her even for the sake of not triggering you*
> 
> 
> I think he still broke NC. I am not sure I have overreacted to kick him out of our home. We have a child together.


*That's really all that matters here. If you think he did the I dont' believe you overreacted.*


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

That's just the thing. It triggered me and he knew it would. So I think that makes no sense he kept her if he never wanted to talk to her. and the other thing I found is that although he deleted her from facebook, they are both still friends on this same facebook group. He should have deleted her from that also.

He nearly lost me when he had the EA (it wasn't his first :-/ so it was a double blow).

Right now I can't look at him. He comes each night to eat with us so he can see our daughter. He says he will sleep on the sofa but I don't want to give in because then he will think he can do this again and there won't be any consequences.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Turningacorner said:


> That's just the thing. It triggered me and he knew it would. So I think that makes no sense he kept her if he never wanted to talk to her. and the other thing I found is that although he deleted her from facebook, they are both still friends on this same facebook group. He should have deleted her from that also.
> 
> He nearly lost me when he had the EA (it wasn't his first :-/ so it was a double blow).
> 
> Right now I can't look at him. He comes each night to eat with us so he can see our daughter. He says he will sleep on the sofa but I don't want to give in because then he will think he can do this again and there won't be any consequences.


:iagree:

He needs consequences.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Turningacorner said:


> He nearly lost me when he had the EA (it wasn't his first :-/ so it was a double blow).
> 
> .


It's up to him to do everything he can possibly to do to repair the damage he has caused you. I know I would have done anything in the world to keep my wife from having triggers if I had an EA. To bad she didnt feel the same way. 

How are you holding up?


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

life101 said:


> He might have deleted the chat history in that app.
> 
> Schedule a polygraph test to figure out if he has broken NC. I would also suggest MC for you. For a marriage to be successful, you two need to be on the same wavelength and be clear about your needs and boundaries from each other. If he refuses to do either, contact an attorney.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree:

If he has done nothing wrong then he should agree to this. As I found out recently just the treat of a poly can result in some new truths being uncovered.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. I feel upset today because I am not sure what to do. My H came over last night to have dinner with us and get more clothes for work. After our daughter went to bed we talked. He told me that he did know that the OW was on his friend list but he didn't think it was a big deal because he knew he would never contact her and he hasn't. He said he loves me and wants to move back in.

I do believe that he didn't contact her, but I don't think it makes any sense why he kept her there though for months and months. When I said that to him he said it just further proves he had no intention of doing anything as so much time has gone by with no contact. Hmmph.

I said I didn't want him to come back. He said "ever?" and I said I didn't know. I need time. I don't know what else to do. I can order a polygraph and I think it will confirm what he says. But I still think the fact he didn't delete her shows intent. Kind of like he was keeping an option open. That shouldn't be dismissed! But now he has been gone for quite a few weeks and we are not getting anywhere. I don't know what to do now. I guess I want to know if I am overreacting?

He agreed to another MC session so that is something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The fact that he knew she was still 'friended' and did nothing to unfriend her means that he does not take his transgression very seriously. He's only doing what he thinks you can see. 

If you let him back into your life, this is a good chance to let him know that you are serious about NC.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Turningacorner said:


> My exWH had an emotional affair with a woman he met on a group in Facebook that he is the admin for. I caught them and he cut her off. He sent her a NC letter and deleted and blocked her on Facebook. That was several months ago.I recently found out that since that time he has kept her on as a contact on a instant messenger app on his phone. From the history it does not look like he chatted with her, but he was logging in each day and so was the ow.
> I made him pack and go stay with a friend. And he is begging to come back and swears he never contacted her. From what I can see online that is true. But I want to know if others think *he broke NC by logging into this instant chat site every day where she is the last couple months*?



I think he was hoping she would be there. My WS checked his secret email account several times a day to see if she had emailed him.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The fact that he knew she was still 'friended' and did nothing to unfriend her means that he does not take his transgression very seriously. He's only doing what he thinks you can see.
> 
> If you let him back into your life, this is a good chance to let him know that you are serious about NC.


Exactly, I agree. H had sex with someone years ago and we were really only just mending from that several years later when that EA kicked off!! We were in a good place for several years and then it happened. We dealt with the EA - NC letter we wrote together and blocked her on FB. Now I find this hole in his NC.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

pollywog said:


> I think he was hoping she would be there. My WS checked his secret email account several times a day to see if she had emailed him.


Hi Pollywog,

Thanks for your response. What did you mean he hoped she would be there?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Turningacorner said:


> Exactly, I agree. H had sex with someone years ago and we were really only just mending from that several years later when that EA kicked off!! We were in a good place for several years and then it happened. We dealt with the EA - NC letter we wrote together and blocked her on FB. Now I find this hole in his NC.


Dear Turningacorner,

Forgive me for being blunt but your WH is a serial cheater and, from the way you've described your relationship, he has never suffered sufficient consequences to change his childish behavior.

My advice would be to tell him that you've had it with his cheating and want a divorce, then start divorce proceedings. If he acts truly remorseful and begs for another chance, tell him you will consider giving him one last chance to win you back after the divorce is final. If he really loves you, is truly sorry for the way he has treated you and wants you for his wife, he should be willing to set you free to decide in due time whether you want him for a husband. Of course, you can always call off the divorce if over the next few months he convinces you that he can reform.

At the very least, make him believe that you are prepared to leave him this time. Start to act like a single woman again. Get fit. Buy new clothes. Start going out with friends. Let him know that you have options.

If you don't do something that really gets to him, I doubt that he will have the motivation to do the really hard work to fix himself (assuming that he can).

Wishing you the best.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Why did he keep her as a contact? He needs to answer this question to your complete satisfaction.


And "I don't know" or "I forgot" is not acceptable.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> And "I don't know" or "I forgot" is not acceptable.


I totally agree. I spoke to my H last night and asked him to be straight with me or else. He admitted he knew she was there but he didn't believe it was such a big deal because he knew he would never speak to her. So I asked him what purpose it was to have her on his contact list everyday when he logged in and saw her name. He said didn't think about it. 

Yeah right. So his big defense is that because he had not used it to contact her after all these months, that he is innocent.

I have keylogger so know this is true. And he will no doubt pass polygraph that he didn't speak to her. BUT I still think he should be held accountable for having her there.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear Turningacorner,
> 
> Forgive me for being blunt but your WH is a serial cheater and, from the way you've described your relationship, he has never suffered sufficient consequences to change his childish behavior.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response. I am going to talk to a lawyer this week about what my rights are at this point. H has had two affairs in 10 years. One was sex the other years later was an inappropriate online thing. I asked MC about him being a serial cheater. He says a serial cheater would have been having affairs all throughout our marriage. But I gotta say, doing it again after what we went thru is beyond believable. And now this. Ugh. I am so pissed. 

I will speak to lawyer. Thing is. He has deleted her now. Has agreed to MC and has been kicked out of the house. (not fighting me on it). So not sure what I am levering the divorce papers with. I know what he did is wrong, but then it's weird that I am being made to feel like I am overreacting.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

He's trickling you imo

Here's the bit that no wayward on earth ever seems to comprehend - just one lie of trickle truthing that later comes out to be just that is a huge nail in the reconciliation coffin.

They just never seem to get this - full unconditional remorse "yes I did this and kept her on their for chats to keep her there in my life etc etc" 

You will be angry but you know if you have the whole truth then you at least don't need to keep digging - you can deal with the here and now of it all rather than drive yourself nuts with getting more of what you deep down know is more to come 

They have a blind spot for this and it is the one thing even moreso than the original infidelity that kills reconciliation stone dead, lying upon lies and more lies just spirals it all downwards 

Maybe you could mention one last time "okay unless I get the full monty and I find out later we will be finished then in a heartbeat - done. Even if it hurts us both this is your opportunity to come completely clean"


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Whoa wait a second. 
He had sex with someone a few years ago and an EA recently? 

There are holes because he is lying. Why else would she still be a contact, he more then likely would have deleted her.. Or better yet why didn't get delete the email account he used to talk to the ow? It does sound fishy to me.. 

Does he have access to a computer/internet at work? a cell phone with internet, a computer at home (is the key logger on his computer?) 

They always make you feel like you are the "crazy" one, when you most certifiably are not. But it does make you kind of crazy in a way because you have no idea what to believe!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

He is a serial cheater. Get rid of him, he will never change.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Turningacorner said:


> Thanks for the response. I am going to talk to a lawyer this week about what my rights are at this point. H has had two affairs in 10 years. One was sex the other years later was an inappropriate online thing. *I asked MC about him being a serial cheater. He says a serial cheater would have been having affairs all throughout our marriage. *But I gotta say, doing it again after what we went thru is beyond believable. And now this. Ugh. I am so pissed.
> 
> I will speak to lawyer. Thing is. He has deleted her now. Has agreed to MC and has been kicked out of the house. (not fighting me on it). *So not sure what I am levering the divorce papers with. *I know what he did is wrong, but then *it's weird that I am being made to feel like I am overreacting.*


Dear Turningacorner,

Call it what you will but your WH cheated on you, cheated again, and now you have caught him with his hand in the cookie jar yet again. The point is that, whatever he says to you, his behavior indicates that he has not stopped his cheating ways. You need to understand this and do something about it.

The reason for serving him with divorce papers is not to punish him for his latest indiscretion but rather to make him understand that you've had enough. Since you've already given him multiple chances to reform with little effect, IMO, anything short of letting him know that you are prepared to end your marriage will be ineffective.

You are not overreacting. Your WH has cheated on you twice and shows signs of planning to do it again. Take whatever measures you deem appropriate. You are not the guilty party, he is.

Hope this is helpful.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> You are not overreacting. Your WH has cheated on you twice and shows signs of planning to do it again. Take whatever measures you deem appropriate. You are not the guilty party, he is.
> 
> .


THIS!!!

He can try to say you are overreacting as much as he wants, but this is not the first time. This is not a new thing for him. He has cheated twice in the past and now his behavior is showing you he is getting ready to cheat again!

Been there done that. My ex cheated on me, 9+ month PA. We got back together once. He left me again for the OW. We tried to R again....5 years we were in R...and then he starts an EA.

Before waiting for the other shoe to drop of ANOTHER PA I left. He tried to beg me back once but his actions never showed me he really wanted to work on things. He continued to say I was overreacting and she was "just a friend". 

It was the best decision I made. Only 2 weeks after our divorce was finalized by the judge he was remarried 

Please don't waste 5 years of your life just waiting for this to happen again if you rugsweep this incident. B/c it will. It is obvious there are deeper issues involved with your WH. 

Has he ever spent time to figure out WHY he cheated int he first place?? Without him doing work on himself to figure out the whys, he will never be able to figure out how to stop the serial cheating behavior!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Listen to Vi_Bride. He IS a serial cheater. Everyone deserves a second chance, I would advise for forgiveness if this was his first. But cheating again after being forgiven is unacceptable. That is a serial cheater, and serial cheaters don't change. There will be a third time, and a fourth, and so on. 
I too believe that either he covered his tracks really good..or he was keeping her as an option for later. There was NO reason to keep her contact info other than that at all. Sorry you are here. It's harder that you have a child but you don't deserve this.


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