# in a mess too



## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Well we have been married for 12 years 2 kids G8 B4. Own a home that is also used as her business (daycare). We get along most of the time but I realized after the last blowout that I never really listened to her feelings. Lonliness, anger, frustrations. During fights I have a tendancy if it gets bad to namecall (bad bad thing on my part). The last fight was the last straw and she said it the arguement before that if it happens again then we are done. I have finally went to counceling on my own and actually enjoy it because I have issues that I never knew about. She also is seeing a therapist and working on her issues. Well during the last fight she told me that I am still welcome to stay in the house but no longer have any ties with her. That is hard, I love her dearly and thought most of the time I was doing the right thing. Now I am looking for a place and she says that her love has died years ago. I started reading all the things written here and got some great info, also started to watch the movie fireproof and I THINK it explains our troubles of not getting along. I love everything in life that I have and she told me to never expect her to change her mind. I did alot of damage. This weekend is a planned family trip for 4 days, I want to be civil and show the kids that I am willing to still be there for them, in my heart for her too. When she asked me to leave I cancelled the direct deposit to my check and she was furious. I keep making little mistakes like this that isnt helping. gosh I am in a mess too.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, for starters, and this is for everyone on the board, there is an "s" in counseling. Just a pet peeve of mine...

Sure sounds like you made a mess of things huh? If she is unwilling to work on things...counseling for both of you be damned...then you may as well make your exit plan.

Let me give you some sage advice...if someone tells you the love has died...there is really no getting it back. There are several meanings to that phrase but they are similar to "I love you but I'm not in love with you." And this is from experience...

Do what you need to do for yourself and the kids...let her find her own way. It's great if you man up and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage...time to fix what you can now.

Preacher


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Thanks JD, I have more than manned up to my doings. I know the end result, but everyone and everywhere I read says don't give up till the papers come. I am moving to give her space and time but will make sure the kids are in my life fully. They seen enough of it too and it is not healthy for them. I know if its meant to be then it will happen. Again thanks.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, everyone and everywhere...are idiots...

Nothing good comes from dragging out the inevitable especially when kids are involved. They learn a lot about relationships from their parents...and if the relationship is damaged beyond repair but someone is always holding out hope, foolishly I might add, it damages the kids.

Preacher


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

It is hard because we both really have no one to talk to other than family and they only tell you what you want to hear to comfort you. I always thought that one day we would be happy and that most marriages go through this stage. Boy was I naive. Thank you for the words and the straight talk. I am going camping proud of being a parent but I feel like a piece of trash for treating our relationship like it follows the same rules as others.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

I would like to also add that she knows how attached I am to my kids and homelife. I am grateful we can still talk calmly about anything else besides our marriage for now. I am trying to get an apt closer to home so I can have the kids over when we all want a visit. I am truely grateful that she has made me realize how much I never noticed the things that went on and is not being resentful toward me. I still truely love her and will always hold a special place in my heart for her. If we can never work things out then I hope I can at least have a great friendship with her in the end. It is a long road ahead and do not want to do anything to put more strain on what we still have.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It sounds like your are extremely reactive. Before you say or do something major...take a break (walk away, think about it). When you are doing this things, without thinking, it chips away at the already fragile marriage.

I believe people can change. However, it often takes a crisis to wake them up! You can change. Part of your process is the initial recognition that you have already. However, it doesn't mean that your wife will want you back. She is wounded. You need to show her by your actions and that may take many months. 

In the meantime, continue counseling, and work on yourself. Don't chase her. Give her space. No begging, pleading, or convincing. 

Feelings CAN and DO change over time. Just look at any relationship. One day you are annoyed and can't stand the person, and the next day you can't get over what a great person they are...Nothing changes as quickly as human emotions. 

However, the kind of damage that repetive verbal abuse, etc. can leave it's marks on the human soul. Just know, that you have your work cut out whether you remain married or just friends.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im like you- tryintoo. i have a temper and when my h and i fight i resort to name calling. its really taken its toll on my H. 

im sorry if your marriage dissolves, but all you can do is work on yourself. you cant control her, or her choices. so just start making choices to better yourself.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

these responses are invaluable. THANK YOU ALL! I am trying so hard to keep a straight mind and realize that I have pushed her away so far with never intending to. Everytime we argued iI would push away, that is my nature but I realize that she wanted me to sit, comfort her and say things are OK. THATS IT!!! So simple if I could of only have done that and show feeling toward her during those times. Today and this weekend we will be taking a family vacation that was planned a while back. So hard and every emotional thought blows through my head. I was thinking the other day in my whole life I never cried in front of ANYONE and now I broke down in front of her in the past two weeks more than anything. Thanks for the support through this, glad I found this site.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

UPDATE!!! I have moved out a block away on Aug 6th. She went to see the lawyer the next day. I think she already had the appt made weeks in advance. I am now going to church (I never did before), signed up to classes for my first communion, fatherhood parenting and still see my therapist regularly. Life is up and down but I am coping and keeping my anger in check. I have been following a routine everyday to keep my mind going. I don't have a TV in the apt because I am focusing on me and getting better. I vowed no alcohol to drown sorrow, drugs to cloud the mind or scripts for pain or sleep. I want to feel it all and learn from it. 

I have had some trying times lately, not to get angry and I am damn proud of myself and others noticed after I told them of what happened. She wanted me to sign the title to the car and got really mad but I kept my cool and continued to tell her no, the lawyer would get mad at her. Another is when I refused to acknowledge that she was outright flirting with a married man in front of me and his wife. Actually I wish his wife would of approached her. Not all is doom and gloom though, she calls me and tells me things like "no one ever put her first in her life" and "how is that she turned out to be such a bad wife" both times crying histerically. She feels that she drives everyone away in her life and told me years ago it will happen to us. I told her NO and still hold true to that today. I am not giving up but I now take the high road in rocky situations. She continues to live in the house with my kids, I give her money every week to help out with kids. I am taking them tomorrow night to the beach to run the sand and play some games to help clear my head. I am confused on what she actually wants, though I do not think she knows either but is continuing with the process to prove she can do it. Till later.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Well overall yesterday was a great day till she called and accused me of the telling the kids that I want back in the home. I do but I would never stick the kids in the middle like that. She keeps telling me that whatever I need to call and she will have it ready, all I told the kids is that if she will let me in the basement then I can gather somes games and activity books for us to use in my apartment. THAT WAS IT!! She told me yesterday that there is NEVER a chance to get back in, but she calls me crying all the time.  Since I moved out on Aug 7th, she took away my home keys the next day after visiting the lawyer. I didnt fight her for them though we are not legally divorced and the house is in my name. I left her the good car while I drive the junker. I have given her all that I thought she needed to help survive at this time. The good car is up for registration but she wants me to sign the title. I cant do that since she already filed right? If that is the case then I might as well keep the good car, she works from home. I need to get tougher but never want to hurt my chances of being together again. Everyone keeps telling me that I have been dramatically changing for the better. I am doing it for myself and my kids. I am going to stay my course in bringing a new me to this world and not give up.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I wouldn't change ownership of anything right now. Besides, even if you sign the car over, you two are still married so it is still community property. 
I'm glad that you're making changes for the better. 
I'll tell you how I feel about my DH making changes for the better and maybe (just maybe) it will help you understand what your wife might be feeling. 
See, I'm not even totally out of the house yet and I can already see DH trying to make changes. He's wiping things, picking things up off the floor, cleaning up after himself, trying to make his place as nice as he can. Also, he's working harder (he works for himself) and being more frugal since it will only be his income. He's making good changes. 

Meanwhile, I'm SO frustrated because I don't understand why he couldn't make these kinds of changes while we were together. It's not like we never talked about these things! Why NOW does he decide to do so great, now that I'm essentially gone? 

I feel like it's not fair because I never got the best of him. 

The thought that REALLY makes me sick to my stomach is that he might make all these great changes and then not want me any more. He might turn into this (even more) amazing man and then lavish all that awesome-ness on some other woman and be better to her than he ever was to me. 

Just thinking about that makes me feel nauseated.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Easy, that is not what I want though. I love her and my family and want back home. Unfortunately we had some disagreements on friday and she packed more of my stuff on Saturday to get. I am keeping peace as best I can. She went to therapy and found some hidden things from her childhood and wanted to share them with me. I never got the chance to listen and that hurt her more. I so want to be there for her but I couldnt take the double standard of her talking to me personally but I cant do the same. Now she will never confide in me again she said. She has the upper hand in this, she filed and I am limited on time to make this work. Right now I feel that I took 3 steps back. I need to step up and keep pushing forward for me but it is so hard to do.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Today I am vowing to concentrate fully on me for now on. I need to be a stronger person and work through my issues 100% so I can be the best person all around. I am taking advice from my therapist yesterday and trying to get a new hobby, not sure what that can be. I seem to spending alot of time wondering, contemplating and hoping that things would change. I feel I can't do that anymore. If its going to happen it will, I cant force the world to stop and solve my problem, only her and I can do that. She wrote to my sister to tell her thanks for always being there and it wasnt an easy decision to file for her but she feels it is the best. I do truely think our problems can be worked out but I can no longer keep reading and coming up with ideas if she isnt doing the same. So a new chapter in life is opening, I am not giving up on my marriage by any means and I need to step back for a while and see how life is still moving.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

CONFUSED!! yesterday was a very content day. I even went to drop off the kids and she invited me in. We chit chatted and she told me that she worries about losing her friends she just made. She feels that everyone just gets tired of her and walks out of her life. I explained to her that I am not doing that, if anything it will be the opposite with me. She tells me that it is different with us in that aspect. What did that mean? After the talk I was ready to leave and she asked if I wanted to stay to read a book to the kids. She just sat there and listened. As I stared over she was giving that look of deep thought. Hoping that she is rethinking this thing through. I can only pray.


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