# Frustrated Husband



## tba1971 (Oct 14, 2009)

I know I'm breaking no new ground here but the source of my problem is differing sex drives...I want it it more than she does. Nothing new in marriages or on forums like this. But, the initial problems has become compounded in my search for solutions.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, lived together for about 5 years prior to that as well. That we have differing sex drives is something that we were both well aware of since the beginning of our relationship. For much of the relationship, we have been able to deal with it in constructive ways. However, since he have had children (I'm also a stay at home dad) it has become not so easily resolved when it pops up and is getting progressively worse. 

In the past, we have always been able to negotiate some sort of middle ground...which I have been very happy to do and I always thought she was happy with it...since she agreed for the most part. however we have reached a point now where she is completely unwilling to compromise and/or seems to clearly have no intent to stick to any agreement we might make. In other words it seems like anything she says or does is simply in some effort to just "shut me up" for a little while. Recently, when I've tried to raise the sex issue she has become almost combative. Suddenly, all of our marital problems have become my fault and she has no responsibility for anything. In our last discussion, she told me the following, most of which have nothing to do on the surface with our sex life:

1) She is unhappy with the circumstances surrounding our engagement. Back when we were dating I cheated on her once and she feels like I only proposed to her after that because I thought I was going to lose her. Of course that was true to some extent. I was also a younger guy that did something really stupid and foolish and decided that I needed to fix my behavior. I decided that I was an idiot and that I needed to grow up and let her know that I needed to wise up and realized that she and only she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So now, 13 years later this has become a reason she isn't interested in having sex with me? Doesn't seem like she's fighting fair....and if it was that big a problem, I'm not sure I remember holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say yes.

2) I never married her in the church! Again, this was never an expressed issue before as neither us are very religious. (I have since suggested that we renew our vows in a church ceremony)

3) Sometimes when she comes home the kids act up a little and seek her attention. This is my fault because I don't pay enough attention to them. Not sure I see the logic there.

Clearly, we need counseling, which she seems more than willing to do and I definitely want to do. But if she continues the attitude in counseling that she takes with me....not willing to find common ground, hold events of 13 years ago over my head and so on, no amount of counseling will do us any good I fear. I am more and more frequently considering divorce, especially if it seems that she will continue to not budge on any issue that comes up in our relationship. So, I'm not so much looking for a solution (I really hope we can get that taken care of in counseling) but was just hoping to hear the thoughts and experiences of others. Thanks!


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## john_sean77 (Aug 21, 2010)

Reading through your thread, I was finding it difficult to come up with a solution, as sex is one topic which can draw a lot of conflict between a man and woman. HOwever, 13 years is a long way to go before one partner suddenly decides that the past flings are affecting their life. Women are very admirable creatures and have a great sense of strength and logic, but their greatest flaw is emotion - which can suddenly make a genius of a woman look like a complete imbecile.

However, you have drawn to the fact that both you agree to councilling.

THAT'S IT!!, consider yourself very lucky and let the councillor do the rest. Don't worry about what or how she will behave in front of a councillor, because if she still remains stubborn during those sessions, then it is time to part your ways. However, take this as a first good step, because an independant observer can always cause the most stubborn people to suddenly stop and think, and reflect.

Give it a chance, and good luck!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You'd be surprised how long we women can hold onto things before we start letting our frustrations and fears about them be known.  Seriously, though, I would say this is not something that she just suddenly woke up one Sunday morning and said, "Gee, you know I hate the fact that he cheated on me, and didn't marry me in the church! I think I'll withhold sex and make his life hell over it, even though it was 13 years ago." I would say she's always been bothered by these things, and the feeling has been building until you two got to where you are now. 

Counseling is definitely a good idea. Yes, she may continue to act this way in counseling...a counselor, however, is trained to draw her out and draw out her feelings to get to the bottom of all the issues that might be bothering her (and do the same for you!) so that you two can resolve them and put them behind you...or discover that they are unresolvable and then help you end things as amicably as possible. 

With the kids, I would say that is stress at the end of the day. Maybe take the kids outside to play when she's getting home, so she can have a few minutes to decompress when she gets in. That way maybe she won't take it out on you or the kids.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Could be that your wife just suffers from low libido. Not her fault, not your fault, just a really common reality for lots of people. If she used to feel aroused and now she doesn't, she's not going to understand why and it's only natural that she'd try to explain it to herself (and to you) by picking you apart. If the tables were turned, you would probably explain your lack of desire in much the same way. 
Nobody likes to be accused and it's natural and almost reflexive to respond defensively. My wife has low libido and if I bring it up, she immediately brings up everything I've ever failed to clean up or do. You might calmly talk to her about it in a non-accusatory fashion. Low libido is really common and has about a zillion different causes.
Obviously, if things were great in the first years of your marriage, the issue isn't your engagement or the location you were married. Try very hard to not look at this situation in terms of what you're not getting. She's not getting any more sex than you are. You both are missing out. There is no good guy and no bad guy. It's probably just a medical issue which can be solved or controlled. Meantime, if you're completely honest with yourself, you probably miss the intimacy even more than the actual sex. Find ways of being intimate with her which don't involve her feeling pressure to "put out". My wife can still be aroused, it just takes her longer. New cars start right up. My truck is older and I have to pamper it and coax it a little, but we still get where we need to go. Best of luck to you both.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

You never mentioned the frequency or lack of. Is it once a week, once a month or longer? I am fine with once a week as where my husband would like it everday. We are also on diferent time zones. He stays up late and I go to bed early. I have emotional needs and he has physical ones. Has your wife put on weight? If she has, this can be a real killer on our sex drives. I know this from personal experience and have had many girlfriends tell me the same. Talk with her and make her feel like she is a goddess to you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Been in a similar type situation a long time ago. Your W is seriously angry about "something". I agree it is not the affair, the church or the kids. 

Is she angry you are the SAHD? Does she feel like between work and home there is an unfair workload on HER? How much housework etc. does she do? 

If you are truly doing your fair share and that has been a stable pattern for a long time - then this sounds like an EA or a PA to me. Bringing up stuff that old - that is based on an emotional stimulus not a rational one. I would directly ask her if she is falling for someone at work - or if you don't think she would be honest check cell phone for text messages/computer for facebook, emails. 







tba1971 said:


> I know I'm breaking no new ground here but the source of my problem is differing sex drives...I want it it more than she does. Nothing new in marriages or on forums like this. But, the initial problems has become compounded in my search for solutions.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 8 years, lived together for about 5 years prior to that as well. That we have differing sex drives is something that we were both well aware of since the beginning of our relationship. For much of the relationship, we have been able to deal with it in constructive ways. However, since he have had children (I'm also a stay at home dad) it has become not so easily resolved when it pops up and is getting progressively worse.
> 
> ...


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