# How to truly forget...



## girl12345 (Oct 1, 2012)

I'm really struggling with this right now. Everything went down almost 2.5 years ago, and yet I feel like I re-live or at least think of some aspect of it daily. I don't know how to forget everything that happened.

Still married, almost 3 y/o son, 3 sessions MC after D day


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I don't know what to tell you girl, I don't think you ever DO truly forget. It's an itch in the back of the brain that'll always come back needing to be scratched. Sometimes it'll be so bad you'll have to talk / ask about it again. Which is only torturous I'm sure to everyone. 

I'm sorry you're here, but I wish you well and hope everything turns to a positive side for you. 

Dewayne


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Honestly, I think fORGETTING is very dangerous. If youre talking about fORGIVING then thats different. But what we forget we are doomed to repeat.

Sure you want to forget???


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You can't forget, even if you want to but as mentioned...who would want to?

Are you a stay at home mom? Find something aside from the house and your baby to keep you occupied. Read, garden, find a hobby.


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## girl12345 (Oct 1, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Honestly, I think fORGETTING is very dangerous. If youre talking about fORGIVING then thats different. But what we forget we are doomed to repeat.
> 
> Sure you want to forget???


I Just don't want to be reminded and think about what he did every. single. day. Sometimes I think had I left, it'd be easier, granted I know ever trusting anyone ever again, will be extremely difficult. Sometimes I can hear all of the things he'd said while in the affair thru my head, and all the while none of it had to do with me, it was him unhappy with himself.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I highly doubt that we ever forget. I just think it lingers in the back of our mind. Somedays its good, some bad. It is what you do about those thoughts that count.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Is he sorry for what he did? Does he show you he loves you everyday? Is he transparent in his actions and words?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Has your H given you full transparency into the affair? Has he answered ALL of your questions until you no longer feel the need to ask them? If you haven't been able to let your mind work all the way through it, to go and ask whatever it needs - if there are unanswered details or questions - it will continue to eat at you. It will eat at you until those issues are addressed.

I agree with CTU you don't want to forget it but what you do want is to make peace with it. To do that you have to believe that you know and have seen all there is to know and see. 

Why only three visits with a MC?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Why do you want you forget? 
You can't heal what you don't feel. Feel he pain to heal from it.
The awareness our trusted ones can deceive and hurt us so badly while an horrible realizarion is a good thing. I'm way ahead you in the healing process, not forgetting is good. You can't understand it for now but I think there's a healthy level of lack of trust in marriages. Otherwise ww take our partners for granted. It's also useful because it force us to trust our gut, to be pretective of ourselves. Good stuff, really.


Sorry you are in so deep pain. It shall pass. I promise you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

In 2.5 years, things should have become better. Is you counselor a good one?
You have not reconciled, yet.
Focus on your recovery first.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Sorry you are in so deep pain. It shall pass. I promise you.


This is important to grab on to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

girl12345 said:


> I'm really struggling with this right now. Everything went down almost 2.5 years ago, and yet I feel like I re-live or at least think of some aspect of it daily. I don't know how to forget everything that happened.
> 
> Still married, almost 3 y/o son, 3 sessions MC after D day


I have never forgotten. But I did forgive, eventually. 

Though I did suppress some stuff that I didn't want to deal with.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hello girl. welcome to the site. I am truly sorry that it is under these circumstances that you are here. You are here, though and you ahve valid questions.

I went through the same thing almost 3 years ago. In fact, 2 days from today will be the third anniversary of the first day she cheated on me, although it would not be until January 01 that I would find out for sure.

During that span of a couple of months, my wife had become distant and started arguments almost daily with me. It all came to a pinnacle on December 19th, Later, I found that to be the last time that she had sex with him. She came home late from work on that day and brought home take-out chicken home for dinner. I suspected nothing and even defended her to family and friends who told me that she was cheating. I told them that there was absolutely no way she would ever do that to me or anyone else.

After dinner, I asked her to come out onto the deck because we had to talk about whatever it was tht she was so angry with me about. We went outside, sat down, lit up a cigarette and said "What do you want to talk about?" 

I told her that I was afraid that our marriage is all but over unless we do something to fix whatever problems we were having. She glared at me and told me that we needed to consider that it may be time to separate.

She told me that she never loved me the way I loved her, that she had hoped that she would have learned, but that she didn't and she really should have not married me in the first place. She told me that she did not care for the sex anymore and that it was just over.

As my emotions exploded into tears, she sat there, staring at me with zero emotion on her face and even reinforced it by saying "See, I should feel SOMETHING after devastating you like this, but I don't. It's over." She then began telling me every reason I was a complete sack of crap and completely unworthy of a second chance. She blamed everything on me and I took it. I got in my car and drove around crying all night long until 6am when she had to leave to go to work.

Over the next couple of weeks, I became a complete slave to her. I waited on her hand and foot. I catered to her every whim. I became a chump overnight. In return, she had to listen to me begging her to reconsider her position. 

She wanted to go out to a singles bar with "the girls" on New Years Eve. I finally convinced her to go out with me. i spent every penny I had to take her to a jazz club that under normal circumstances, she would have loved. She was cold and standoffish all night. 

On the hour ling drive home from the jazz club, I got a complete feeling that there was someone else, and I was going to find out. I took her phone as she slept, and long story short, I found the guy. I had his name, address, phone number, email address, knew where he worked and pulled up an image of his house on Google Earth, only to see her car in his driveway on the street level view. 

The next morning, she wanted to talk to me (before she knew what I had found out) and asked me to read a letter that she wrote. It was a letter telling me that she had found someone else and that they were meant to be together, blah blah blah... I then proceeded to tell HER who he was and gave her details of the affair and the email messages she had been exchanging with him. I knew everything and I blindsided her with it. Tears erupted, apologies were made and the lies began.

It took me a total of 3 months to drag the truth out of her, but I finally was convinced that I got it all. There was shouting and begging. There was screaming and crying. There was a complete loss of control many times over. She begged for my forgiveness. She laid in the closet and cried for days at a time. It was horrible... To compound matters, she had to fess up to being pregnant, and it was a flip of the coin whether the baby was his or mine. Everything that COULD go wrong DID... MANY times over.

She is now jealous of me and constantly gets the idea that I am behaving inappropriately with others. 

To answer your question... Old ghosts linger. They come around at the worst possible times. I have forgiven, but there is no forgetting. It affects me at times in ways I didn't see coming. I know that there are some things about our sexual regimen that she doesn't like that I do, so I just stopped asking. It is all done her way.

even though she tells me that she doesn't mind the things I want to do, her actions tell me differently.

I will never forget the things that happened. It will get worse for me soon, because anniversary dates seem to have a way to presenting themselves. there is a certain shirt that she wears that I hate (too bad because it really looks nice on her) because she was wearing it on Christmas morning that year. Christmas sucked royally for me that year, so when I see that shirt, that's all I can think about.

My daily life is pretty much back to normal and out marriage is good again, but no, i won't forget what happened. Yes, sometimes it affects my mood. Yes, sometimes I secretly get angry with her over it all over again. Those are the demons that will resurface, but will fade in intensity over time... but ONLY time will take care of them.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Well, you wont forget will you. How can you?

If you and your spouse are lucky you might forgive, but you will never forget. Not till your dying day, it will always be there, sad to say.

Take one day as it comes, take as much time as it takes to start to feel better, but don't ever expect to forget.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

moogvo said:


> I had his name, address, phone number, email address, knew where he worked and pulled up an image of his house on Google Earth, only to see her car in his driveway on the street level view.


Ironically enough the same thing happened to me. I googled my husbands best friends house, where he was staying while we were separated and saw the OW's truck in front of his house. This was after we had R so it was like salting the wound.

I am pretty much in the same position you are at this moment. H has been back for almost 3 years now but EVERY DAY I struggle with something. Its like even on good days, a ghost comes to visit you!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

moogvo said:


> Hello girl. welcome to the site. I am truly sorry that it is under these circumstances that you are here. You are here, though and you ahve valid questions.
> 
> I went through the same thing almost 3 years ago. In fact, 2 days from today will be the third anniversary of the first day she cheated on me, although it would not be until January 01 that I would find out for sure.
> 
> ...


Your resentment and occassional anger is normal. 

I think, too many marriage counselors gloss over this normal reaction to being betrayed. 

The fact that your wife thinks she could have gotten pregnant with the OM's sperms suggests they did not use condoms or any barrier methods that could at least block SOME STDs

That shows how immature, disrespectful and self absorbed cheaters are. 

Don't ever forget, if you manage to stay, but please always stay on guard. 

I think the saying once a cheater always a cheater is all too common. 

Why?

Because most cheaters cheat because they are selfish and immature and unrealistic about marriage in general. 

Those traits are not easy to change.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Well, you wont forget will you. How can you?
> 
> If you and your spouse are lucky you might forgive, but you will never forget. Not till your dying day, it will always be there, sad to say.
> 
> Take one day as it comes, take as much time as it takes to start to feel better, but don't ever expect to forget.


I agree. 

It amazes me how cheaters so stupidly believe that they can so easily put the genie back in the bottle. 

Once a cheater cheats on a loyal spouse, it forever changes the marriage.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Hi,
Please consider reading this.

Why Forgiveness Doesn


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm right there with you. Some days are better, some are worse. But overall, there's more better than worse. The farther out we get, the more that's true.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

You are not supposed to forget, if you do and put it all in a nicely giftwrapped box, you will suffer some day in the future.

Since you are further out than myself (19 months), my advice for you is to learn acceptance. I know exactly how you must feel, I am living it myself each and every day. Not a day goes by without me thinking about what happened, still I am sad from time to time, but the mood swings are less frequent and less dramatic though.

By acceptance I mean, that you need to accept what happened, that it happened and the persons that made it happen. You can't change any of those. So accept it, you don't have to like it, but accept it. Accept that you cannot change anything but yourself and your own course in life. 

So if you are not happy with your situation, change you or change your plan for your life. Accept or change - no other alternatives.

I know damn well that it isn't easy, I slip from time to time as well, but understanding the power of acceptance will give some new tools to work with - it was just what I needed at least. Let me know if you could use some readings in this direction, and I will be happy to share 

Hang in there, I guess it was a rough day.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm trying to accept AND change, myself. 

I pushed my wife. Didn't put her #1, didn't show her enough love and affection unless it was in bed. 

However, that's no excuse. The other times of emotional affairs? and the other physical Affair... was back when she was very young. I married my wife with many years between us. She was a teen and I was in my mid 20's. Dumb, I know but I loved her and she was so mature. 

But, this last time, we had gone many years w/ no issues. Except I wasn't treating her the way I should've been. Now it's too late. I told her this morning I'm filing for D after our haunted house season ends. We sorta had a date last night. She wore a new shirt I had bought her and fixed herself up after work for this. We went and had dinner, then home to watch a movie in the theater (my new bedroom) She reached for my hand, she moved her foot to touch my hand, etc. SHE was making these moves, not me. 

This morning I dropped the bomb on her w/ D and she sighed. 

Anyways, sorry for going on... I'm trying to accept it, but I now realize you CAN'T forget and you're not suppose to. If you can truly forget, that'd be great, but I think it won't last. It'll eventually come back and it'll be opening up a whole new wound again.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Sara8 said:


> The fact that your wife thinks she could have gotten pregnant with the OM's sperms suggests they did not use condoms or any barrier methods that could at least block SOME STDs


I would venture to say that most sexual encounters during affairs don't include any protection. That sort of goes against the grain of everything we fear as parents (even moreso as a firefighter, where we have to go through a pathogens class twice a year where we sit through 2 hours of "If it's wet and sticky and it's not yours, don't touch it").

But I also think that when these affairs are taking place, there are beliefs (or at least fantasies) that the two of them will ultimately wind up together, which is a bit different than someone hiring a prostitute off of the street. "He looks so hot in his suit and tie" or "She is incredibly sexy with her heels and stockings" seems to be enough to make the other push personal safety (and the safety of their spouse) aside. Besides... someone who "looks" clean certainly MUST be... Right? Nope! But these folks have the idea that they are beginning a new life together and look at each other in the same way that any new dating couples do.

You have to remember that Emotional Affairs involve an overwhelming amount of feelings. My wife gave HIM a nicer Christmas gift than she gave to me...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

moogvo,


> there is a certain shirt that she wears that I hate (too bad because it really looks nice on her) because she was wearing it on Christmas morning that year. Christmas sucked royally for me that year, so when I see that shirt, that's all I can think about.


Why in the hell don't you burn that shirt?Just burn it. No explanations needed. The next time she ask for it you tell her; I burned it and why... too bad.


Sorry about tyhe T/J, girl12345


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Acabado said:


> moogvo,
> Why in the hell don't you burn that shirt?Just burn it. No explanations needed. The next time she ask for it you tell her; I burned it and why... too bad.
> 
> 
> Sorry about tyhe T/J, girl12345


I have thought about it. I have told her that I no longer like the shirt, so she knows my feelings on it. I would rather her to be the one that gets rid of it. Still... she has had time to ditch it, so an intervention may be in order.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband has gotten rid of a number of things that trigger me. If he wasn't willing to I'd be throwing them out myself and seriously reconsidering our marriage. He got rid of an almost new leather couch because he got a blow job on it.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I will never forget.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

moogvo said:


> My wife gave HIM a nicer Christmas gift than she gave to me...


Mine too...and birthday,Valentines day, and just because presents. I'm sure they were all nicer then what I got.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Decimated said:


> Mine too...and birthday,Valentines day, and just because presents. I'm sure they were all nicer then what I got.


I made him give the Christmas gift to me. When it came in the mail, I gave it to her. When she opened it and looked at it, she was flushed with guilt. It did take her by surprise, however because she was not expecting it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Burn the shirt. Yesterday. Why in the hell do you have to live with that trigger. If she doesn't do it. You do. I'd be beyond pissed off for forcing me but she can take whatever it comes to her afterward like a champ.
Selfish... Tell her she's selfish, cruel and cold as ice.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

moogvo said:


> I would venture to say that most sexual encounters during affairs don't include any protection. That sort of goes against the grain of everything we fear as parents (even moreso as a firefighter, where we have to go through a pathogens class twice a year where we sit through 2 hours of "If it's wet and sticky and it's not yours, don't touch it").
> 
> But I also think that when these affairs are taking place, there are beliefs (or at least fantasies) that the two of them will ultimately wind up together, which is a bit different than someone hiring a prostitute off of the street. "He looks so hot in his suit and tie" or "She is incredibly sexy with her heels and stockings" seems to be enough to make the other push personal safety (and the safety of their spouse) aside. Besides... someone who "looks" clean certainly MUST be... Right? Nope! But these folks have the idea that they are beginning a new life together and look at each other in the same way that any new dating couples do.
> 
> You have to remember that Emotional Affairs involve an overwhelming amount of feelings. My wife gave HIM a nicer Christmas gift than she gave to me...


Well said. I am so sorry you are here. 

Affairs are fantasies and you are so right, part of that fantasy is forging a future together. 

Whether the cheater admits it or not, it had to cross their mind at some time or another. 

Also, regarding the gift thing. My spouse did similar things in which he spent a lot of money on his already pampered by her own spouse, other woman, while I was at home literally juggling finances and watching my spending. 

Any way my point is that they are in the phase where they are trying to impress the affair partner. 

It's so twisted, too, because both cheaters are already taking their long time spouses for granted....and they are cheaters too boot, but they don't realize that eventually they would, if in a real relationship take each other for granted, too.

Meanwhile they are investing all this precious energy in a fantasy relationship in which there are no bills, no squalling kids, no responsibilities, all the have to do is get all dressed up and have sex and fun......like two teenagers. 

So sad.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

moogvo said:


> I have thought about it. I have told her that I no longer like the shirt, so she knows my feelings on it. I would rather her to be the one that gets rid of it.


I really do understand that logic. 

Her making he choice is more important than her being forced to do it.


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

Why in the hell don't you burn that shirt?Just burn it. No explanations needed. The next time she ask for it you tell her; I burned it and why... too bad.


Yep...when I found my husbands picture on a sex website...I burned his favorite shirt that he was wearing in the picture because I knew I never wanted to see him in it again, and it felt great. He still hasn't asked about the shirt either!


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> Originally Posted by *Sara8*
> Any way my point is that they are in the phase where they are trying to impress the affair partner.
> 
> It's so twisted, too, because both cheaters are already taking their long time spouses for granted....and they are cheaters too boot, but they don't realize that eventually they would, if in a real relationship take each other for granted, too.
> ...


So true!

Mine acted like a rebellious spoiled teenager and treated me like I was her father/authority figure. 

They were always on their best (or worst) behavior. I'm sure she was showered, shaved, waxed, full makeup and perfume, dressed up nice and sexy in clothes I bought for her…or at least paid for. I wish I knew which clothes she wore for him...I would burn them. I do know that she never even bothered to take off her wedding ring when she was with him. That ring became the biggest trigger you can ever imagine.

In retrospect I remember her leaving to go shopping and thinking that she looked like she was dressed to go clubbing…without a care in the world. Now I know she was off to meet him at a hotel for a few hours, while I was at home with the kids. This times 1 ½ years! 

It's all just so Sickning.


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## augustmoonshine (Oct 9, 2012)

This is so so true, and sums up everything i feel. I had a choice after i discovered his affair. Accept the betrayal for what it was, a short lived, unthought through, selfish affair. Nothing more, nothing less. Or, accept that you cannot / will not accept his actions, and change your life accordingly.
I chose the first option, Im not saying it was an easy choice (actually the CHOICE was easy - the aftermath was definately not) but it was one that I felt I wished to take. After all, I had children, and a life I was happy with prior to OW coming along, no way was I going to willingley, easily, give it all up. She wasnt having my life, it was not hers to take.
We have both worked hard to rebuild our marriage, yes I have bad days, but reminding myself I had accepted the situation sort of stops me in my tracks.
Acceptance is powerful IF it is the right option for you. Most of us are stronger than we think. There is relief in acceptance. It frees the demons from our minds.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> So true!
> 
> Mine acted like a rebellious spoiled teenager and treated me like I was her father/authority figure.
> 
> ...


Exactly, and the fact that they see their spouse as a mother or father figure, shows they have serious issues and those issues will cause them to cheat again. 

In the emails anonymously forwarded to me. The OW and my STBEH also sounded like two rebellious teenagers complaining about restrictions set by their parents. 

Also, the complaints were so silly too. They included complaints about her husband working too hard, me being cautious about our spending to save for the future and a new business we were starting. 

In addition, the OW and my spouse both complained that we would rather stay home and watch the news rather than go "clubbing"

Geez who goes clubbing on week nights once they are married and in their 50s, and the OW had four small children still in school. Weird. The OW also left her hard working, faithful, by her own admission, husband home to watch the kids while she went of to bang my STBEH


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Exactly, and the fact that they see their spouse as a mother or father figure, shows they have serious issues and those issues will cause them to cheat again.
> 
> In the emails anonymously forwarded to me. The OW and my STBEH also sounded like two rebellious teenagers complaining about restrictions set by their parents.
> 
> ...


The complaints from my STBXW were silly as well. In fact, most were flat out lies or exaggerations. Things like "He never plans any dates or vacations" which was not at all true and then my favorite "He is always chasing me around wanting a hug or a kiss" Wow...sorry for wanting affection! I thought we were in love and married! Another time she complained to him that I didn't kiss her when I came home from work one day. I mean...really? So basically it didn't matter what I did...it was wrong!

She never said anything good about me to him...it was always negative in some way. I think that is why he felt justified for cheating with her. In his mind, she deserved more and I was a piece of s**t husband that deserved to be cheated on.


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