# My marriage is a secret



## Fiery (Jun 15, 2012)

Ugh. I sat here for 5 minutes trying to figure out where to begin because I’m so ashamed.

I really, really wanted to marry my husband. We met 20 years ago when we were 17/18, became best friends, and became more than that about 8 years ago. About 3 years into the romantic part of our relationship I began to want marriage, unfortunately. I say this because he did not, and made it clear to me that he never did from the very beginning; but I stayed anyway because I love him. In spite of my love, the marriage issue became an awful, flash-point of contention between us because it hurt me and annoyed him to no end.

Fast-forward a bit...

Last month he married me because I am ill and he has health insurance and cares about me and wanted to provide that for me. He agreed to marry me on the very clear premise that no one is to know we are married. Ever. Not our parents or friends or anyone. I married him anyway because I'm an idiot.

The thing is, he does not like marriage. He says things like 'it's just not for him' and whatnot. There was no proposal from him, I bought rings for myself that I always wear (which he probably hates), and there was no wedding. The ONLY reason he was able to go through with it at all was because it was for a purely practical reason, and NOT for any sort of romantic nonsense. I told him I married him because I love him. This only made him frown, and knowing this make him unhappy and uncomfortable.

I was not able to keep up my end of the deal, of course. I told my close friends and my parents because for me it was a happy thing that I wanted to share. I love him more than anything in this world. He knows I told them and is not happy about it. It hurts me that he won't tell his parents and doesn't want his friends to know, but hey this is what I signed up for.

I guess the reason I'm posting this here is because I have no one I can bring myself to talk to about this, and I needed to share some of this pain. I know he probably doesn't love me, certainly doesn't respect me (can't blame him), and I also know I have to end this if for no other reason than wanting to stop the pain. I'm so tired of hurting. This is so hard. I don’t want to leave my husband. I can’t sit here and say ‘I don’t know what to do’ because that would be a lie; I know what I need to do, I’m just not sure how I’ll cope. Any advice on how to deal? It will be much appreciated.


I'm not stupid mentally, but I have the emotional IQ of a houseplant. Thanks for listening.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think some details are missing in your story.
Both of you have been " friends " 20+ years. 
Have you all been intimate [ having sexual relations]?
What is his sexual preference?
Is he attracted to other women?

Maybe you need to supply more info so that we could get a proper background.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

When I read between the lines it sounds like you both push each others buttons. Not healthy.

Since he is playing the marriage in disguise game and you are playing the promise to agree to keep it quiet game, well sort of, sounds very disfunctional.

A healthy relationship requires both to be open and on the same team.

How about MC? You can keep it quiet (wink wink). I seriously think the two of you need to get into counseling, both IC and MC.

I wish you well!


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

It seems like there's a deeper reason for him wanting to keep the marriage quiet other than marriage not being for him. Sounds like he wants to stay "single" in the eyes of the rest of the world. Caribbean Man's questions are good ones -- what is his goal here?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Awwww, what an awful feeling. My older daughter's father and I were never married and he didn't even tell people we were together OR living together. He didn't even tell his family about our daughter until she was born 

Yea. Being a secret sucks. You deserve someone who will shout out from the top of the rooftops that they are married to you.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would want to know why the hell he wont tell his parents... just does not make any sense at all... unless he is living a double life and already married, or gay, or loaded with money and doesn't want you to get it?????? Just so odd..... I feel bad for you... it doesn't make any sense if he loves you he would be proud to have you as his wife, and proud to at the very least tell his parents, even if he doesn't like the "institution" of marriage, for the sake of insurance, etc, he would tell his parents.... something is fishy. You need to start digging.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

Fiery put that insurance to good use and get a counselor to help you sort all this out. I am so sorry you are hurting. I know it hurts and you are feeling all down on yourself but you aren't stupid even if you feel it, you love the guy. Okay, I'll go as far as fool hardy, but that's it. I know you made this decision to marry him based on that love. Maybe in your secret heart you thought being married would help him see he really loved you just that much and would want to be married? 

Women and men in love can be idealistic. That doesn't make you a bad person or anything else horrible just confused at this point. You need to help yourself now. Get some outside help to understand what it is you need and get it. 

I hope you are taking care of your health. It is very easy to get so bummed out by all the heart ache and stress we forget or just don't give a sh1t but you need to put yourself first right now. 

Have you read any books on helping yourself understand why you agreed to marry knowing you were putting your heart on the line or why you chose to stick with him knowing he couldn't or wouldn't do the things you needed? I am thinking about buying "Women who love to much," reading the blurbs it would apply to me & maybe you too. Maybe someone here has read it or some thing else that may help _now_ until you can get some help from a counselor. 

Best of luck to you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I would want to know why the hell he wont tell his parents... just does not make any sense at all... unless he is living a double life and already married, or gay, or loaded with money and doesn't want you to get it?????? Just so odd..... I feel bad for you... it doesn't make any sense if he loves you he would be proud to have you as his wife, and proud to at the very least tell his parents, even if he doesn't like the "institution" of marriage, for the sake of insurance, etc, he would tell his parents.... something is fishy. You need to start digging.


i feel bad for the op but i dont feel any of the above matters in their situation.

i dont feel he owes any explanations.

she entered into a business arrangement and thought she could get him to change. thats the bottom line here. she knew all this before the 'marriage'.


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

awww... hunny.. i can relate whole heartedly to your situation... my hubs hasnt told his parents about our marriage after 4 years together... 2 years of marriage... i have tortured myself senseless about it... fights (verbal and physical)... crying... drinking... feelings of worthlessness and resentment... ive been thru it all. recently ive come to a point of acceptance. i luv my hubs n he loves me.. and all i can do is hope for the best. im making the best hand from the cards ive been delt. best of luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cocovas09 (Jun 3, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i feel bad for the op but i dont feel any of the above matters in their situation.
> 
> i dont feel he owes any explanations.
> 
> she entered into a business arrangement and thought she could get him to change. thats the bottom line here. she knew all this before the 'marriage'.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

There must be a whole lot more to this story

Is your 'husband' otherwise open about your relationship to his friends/family - ie happy to openly be your other half just not married to you. Or are you a complete secret ?

What reasons does he give for keeping the marriage a secret and what does he see happening in the future - a divorce when you are well ?

Do you live together ?

Why did you agree to keep the secret (weird as it is) and then break your promise ?

Too many gaps here OP for anyone to properly help you IMHO


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Like the others, more curious than anything... But why does he object so strongly to being married to you, and to keeping things secret? Why are you willing to play his game for 20 years? What kind of relationship do his family and your friends think you have? Friends? Common-law? How is being married so much worse than living together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miss812 (Jun 17, 2012)

This is strange, but I'm going to play devils advocate. I don't think he would marry you for insurance if he did not care about you deeply. He is against marriage and did it anyway because there was a practical reason for it. 
My questions (like the others) are, are you guys living together? What are the reasons he is against marraige? Do his family and friends know you are together? Could he have a 2nd life?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Fiery said:


> Ugh. I sat here for 5 minutes trying to figure out where to begin because I’m so ashamed.
> 
> I really, really wanted to marry my husband. We met 20 years ago when we were 17/18, became best friends, and became more than that about 8 years ago. About 3 years into the romantic part of our relationship I began to want marriage, unfortunately. I say this because he did not, and made it clear to me that he never did from the very beginning; but I stayed anyway because I love him. In spite of my love, the marriage issue became an awful, flash-point of contention between us because it hurt me and annoyed him to no end.
> 
> ...


You don't have the emotional IQ of a houseplant. You have just become progressively deeply attached. You just have a serious case of (what is referred to in the pickup community) as oneitis - an unhealthy emotional dependence on one person. This took years to form and won't be fixed overnight. For me it doesn't really matter what any of the reasons are, I wouldn't even bother trying to find out. There's more pain there that you don't need to know. I suggest you gradually wean yourself off this guy, gradually spending less and less time with him and more and more time with other people. You deserve better.


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## Fiery (Jun 15, 2012)

Sorry is took me so long to get back to this. I have a extremely demanding job. Anyhoo, let me see if I can answer some questions...

He's not gay, definitely likes women, definitely is attracted to me. We do live together (we moved in together about three years ago) and spend almost all our time together. He works from home so he rarely ever leaves the house and when he does it's usually with me. This isn't by design or anything, it's just part of his nature. He has very few friends that he doesn't make much if any effort to see despite my encouraging him to do so. He pretty much wants to only be around me. If he has a secret life it would be an amazing feat on his part to say the least.

We have spent the better part of 20 years together, most of that as friends. We've seen each other go through other relationships and breakups and still remained (plutonic) friends. He introduced me to my ex-husband who I was married to for 6 years and have children with. 

He has said before that he doesn't want people to see him differently, whatever that means. He thinks that by being married the world views him differently. I think this is the main reason he wants to hide it. As far as his parents are concerned, he seems affraid to tell them. I have known his parents as long as I've known him, and they know we are together and have been for a while, but my contact with them has been somewhat limted over the years. Not purposefully, but more because they live far and are always gone.

The bottom line is that yes, it was a business arrangement, for him not me. He knew how it was for me as well going into this, just as I did for him, yet we both did it anyway. In short, despite all the history, despite how much I love him, and despite his good intentions, it was a mistake and I knew better. I should have never done it and all I can do now is undo it. Hopefully I won't be so foolish next time if/when I find love again. And yes counselling is -definitely- in my future. I need some help to get through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cocovas09 said:


> awww... hunny.. i can relate whole heartedly to your situation... my hubs hasnt told his parents about our marriage after 4 years together... 2 years of marriage... i have tortured myself senseless about it... fights (verbal and physical)... crying... drinking... feelings of worthlessness and resentment... ive been thru it all. recently ive come to a point of acceptance. i luv my hubs n he loves me.. and all i can do is hope for the best. im making the best hand from the cards ive been delt. best of luck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Why don't you just pick up the phone and tell his parents? That's what I'd do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds to me like he has an idiology he feels he needs to live up to. But he cares about you too much to let it stand in the way of your health. That's, well, kinda sweet... odd but sweet. 

Over time I think that people will realize that the two of you are married. Are you beating yourself up emotionally over very little?

Normally I would not consider keeping a marriage secret something little. But the picture you paint of him is that of a loaner excentric. In that case you seem to fill a very important place in his life and heart.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Thanks for filling in the blanks fiery 

Its not something as simple as his family being miffed because they didn't get to go to a wedding is it ?

Have you asked him specific questions like

- do you intend to stay married to me for ever ?
- what happens now my family know ?
- can we try some counselling to try and get us on the same page ?

Are you sure he is well himself ? You describe an eccentric loner but also say he has had other relationships so he has put himself out there previously.

You kind of knew what you were signing up for and he hasn't left you because you didn't keep your promise. At least he's not completely black and white about it

Sorry, no answers, all questions but I do wish you luck


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## miss812 (Jun 17, 2012)

It seems to me that he does love and care fo you.. he is just against marriage, although his reasons seem strange. If you can't handle the way he is about marriage, then you do need to leave. OR learn how to accept it, and stay with him. Seems like other than this, you have a good relationship.


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