# Inlaws vs Outlaws



## jacqueline69 (May 22, 2011)

I have been in a relationship for 10 years, married for 2 with my DH and have a 21 month old son. My relationship has always been a bit strained with my IL's. DH is an only child, mother's baby boy. It had been 18 months since we left the UK.
The IL's informed us that they were coming over to see us in June 2010 from the UK for a month and booked the flight without telling us how long for or discussing the dates with us. I was willing to have them for a couple of weeks in September but they didn't even ask us. After some complications for accommodation, I had to tell my IL's that we could not accommodate them for a month. My MIL blamed me. The flights were cancelled. I said to her that 2 wks in September would be better. She ignored me. 
Christmas came and they mentioned coming to visit again. They informed my DH, for a second time they booked the flight, for a month in June, without discussing it with us. I was furious. They said that they would be staying with friends in another state for 2 weeks and that they would be staying with us for 2 weeks. They don't have much money and the flights were free so they wanted to make the most of the trip. 
DH sorted out some free accommodation for them for 2 wks. They have now informed me that they are coming to us for a month! I feel like I am being SEVERELY imposed upon, tresspassed and bullied. When I said that we are only expecting them for 2 wks...my FIL, lied and said it had already been arranged with my husband... and If all the T's weren't crossed and the I's dotted, that they aren't coming! He then told me to get my husband to call him and hung up on me. 
This is just a recent example of how I was treated throughout our relationship. I have pretty much had to limit phone calls to b-days and holidays to keep them from prying in our relationship and driving a wedge between my husband and me. Just the sound of my MIL's voice gives me bolts of adrenaline that would kill an elephant. 
Am I wrong or unreasonable for limiting their stay to 2 weeks?


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

My question is why are you the one stuck in the middle of all of this? Where's your husband?
My wife would say to me "You deal with your parents. They are welcome from this date to that date and if they stay a day longer or arrive a day earlier You better find a place for them to stay because I am not dealing with them that long." She'd also say "And they both treat me like crap, so I'm not picking up when I see they are the one's calling. I'm done. "


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## jacqueline69 (May 22, 2011)

I told him after the first trip was cancelled that he was to deal with them from now on. It just so happened that he was out and I took the call for this trip and asked what their travel plans are when they dropped the bomb. He has been avoiding calling them. I think he is hoping I will give in to their demands.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Is he correct in that assumption?


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## MPM (May 25, 2011)

I never knew inlaw horrors like this existed, until I acquired my MIL #2, hence my visit to this site, with a scarily similar tale to yours. They are not outwardly rude or in any way nasty, in fact quite the opposite. The problem is the intrusion into our lives, depsite the fact they live a 24 hour plane ride away. We are both mid 40's and DH has been here for 25 years, so you'd think the apron string would have long been severed..but oh no. When I had our first child last year, they announced they were coming for 3 months from 2 weeks prior to my due date, with no discussion whatsoever. MIL is suffocatingly overbearing, I can't tolerate her company for very long at all. She makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home, and her moods are ridiculous. After the furore of last year, they sent an email a week ago saying they were thinking of a visit..so DH and I discussed and rang back the next day to suggest a convenient time and length of stay..only to be told they had already booked..for 2 months, arriving tomorrow. I am at my wits end. You need your husband to intervene. My DH has only finally realised how overbearing and manipulative his mother really is, it took a while! He is now on board with my views and my discomfort over the whole thing, and we are stronger for it. Do not let them bully you. What gives these people the right to intrude in a family unit in such a way? My MIL thinks that being the mother of my husband, gives her unbridled access to our home regardless of our considerable inconvenience, not to mention our sanity. I totally understand your anguish, but you do need your husband to be with you on this, otherwise, it will drive a wedge almost as big as the one that my DH and I have gladly now started repairing. Good luck.


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## Reuben (May 24, 2011)

It's your home. Your parents and your in-laws would be guest in your home and must abide by the rules you set. That is not being mean or cruel. That is just the facts. Love them. Treat them with respect. But, always remember that your spouse should always come first in every situation. 

Make sure that they understand that. If they get mad, then that is their problem, not yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One the one hand, it IS your home and you can call the shots. If they get out of hand, you have every right to kick them out. 

On the other hand, they ARE his parents, and your child's grandparents, who are probably - despite what YOU think about them - pretty excited about seeing their grandchild.

If I were in your shoes, I would kill them with kindness and give them nothing to be upset about. 

I experienced the in-laws not getting along with my husband, and it ended up worse than you can imagine. It CAN ruin your life to decide to draw your line in the sand; it certainly did ours.

And for what? So you can say you held your ground? They're just people. They're used to having a super strong bond with their son and when he met you, they lost that. Are they mean people? Maybe. Or maybe they just miss what they had and figure it's all because of you replacing them.

I'm not in any way trying to defend any meanness they exhibited, or excuse their actions. I AM saying...what will it get you to go tit-for-tat?

Nothing but unhappiness all around. Trust me. My DD20 can't even remember what her grandpa (my dad) looked like, and they were inseperable til she was 6, when my stepmom showed her colors and I - in all my 'righteousness' - slammed the door in their face and cut off all ties. He died 3 years later, and I'll never forgive myself for robbing him AND my daughter of their relationship.

But I was right, wasn't I? I mean, she was MEAN! Manipulative! Tried to get rid of my husband! So I had every right!

Except, in the end, it wasn't they who lost out, not really. It was me for losing out time with my dad, and it was DD20 for losing her beloved grandpa, but most importantly, it was our family losing out by me teaching her to drop people from her life who she doesn't like. Instead of teaching her how to find a WAY to get along and resolve differences. I'm ashamed of myself for teaching her that. 

Give your son a better lesson.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, I'd get some clarity as to whether your husband agreed to any of this. if he didn't, HE has to be the one to explain to his parents that their visiting is a two-way discussion, not upon his parents whim.

You should not be in the middle of this. Your husband should because it's his parents. If they were your parents, itwould be your responsibility.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I just have to chime in here.

My wife's parents have more to do with us than either of my own. I have an exceptional relationship with both of them. They worship the ground that our son walks on and would gladly lay down their lives to protect him.

Having said that, my wife's brother and his partner can't stand them, they are controlling, overbearing, too involved in their lives blah blah blah...... I guess that I have their respect, because I have a successful career. (BIL doesn't, has never lived on his owor supported himself at 40 years old) I speak to them as an independent man and am spoken to as one. And have common interests with both of them. 

So the same two people come across as exceptionally different people depending on whom you speak to.... find the common ground and connect with your IL's. They normally actually have your best interest at heart, unless of course you get the evil ones......


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

OP, my suggestion is that from now on the ground rule will be that when they visit, they will be sleeping at a hotel at their expense, and that this rule is a direct consequence of the rude impositions they have made. They don't like it? Tough titty, because there is a new sherriff in town (spelt: jacqueline69). 

Anything less than this will be seen by them as weakness that can be exploited. Indicate that you'll be happy to drive them to and from the hotel, but they will not be staying at your home because you have decided that's how it's going to be. Period. It is your home and your family as much as it is your DH's. Therefore if you are not both in agreement, neither of you can be overruled. He must back you up on this, otherwise he won't side with you on more serious matters either when it comes to you versus them.

I have the evil type of in-laws myself, but in my case I'm fortunate enough to have figured this out prior to marriage (I'm engaged). My future MIL, her siblings, and her other daughter, add up to an extreme nightmare that I don't have time to get into here. Suffice to say I have forced my fiancee to choose me over them as a condition of marriage. They are livid, cursing us, and wishing us ill because I have disrupted the family hierarchy and made off with their crown jewel. 

The thing is, though, they are wild alcoholic narcissists of the highest order. They have absolutely nothing of any positive value to offer me, my marriage, or my children. It astounds me how they managed to produce the outstanding woman I am going to marry. 

It is like a Cinderella-meets-Rapunzel story, so after careful thought I did, in fact, decide to don my shining armor. Things have gotten so bad she needed me to step up to them, which I did, informing her mother specifically that she will no longer be controlling my wife once we marry, and that I will be putting my wife ahead of my MIL every time. They hate me now, but I don't care. 

In my analysis, if the in-laws are bad enough (mine clearly are) it's necessary to know where everyone stands before the marriage. Dealing with the drama and fallout of this basic confrontation and setting of expectations/boundaries is much preferable to getting married, having kids, and seeing these problems gradually grow into something intolerable AFTER they've gotten used to controlling my spouse and interfering with my home. The girl they raised was someone they could dominate, but no more. I just hope I don't get gunned down at my wedding...

In your case, having been married for only about 2 years, it may still be possible for you to set new, long-term boundaries but it's going to take a decisive confrontation where your husband agrees to back you up 100%. This has to be a non-negotiable position: each spouse puts each other first, not their parents.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I realize that this is an old thread and the OP is probably long gone, but I'm going to give my $.02 anyway.

When it comes to the in-laws there's really only one person who can deal with any issues that come up. The child of the in-law has to make it perfectly clear who the #1 woman (or man as the case may be) is in their life. In this case it's really past time that the husband lays down the law to his mother and quits being a mamma's boy.

It's rare for me to have any of these kinds of problems, but the bottom line for me is that if there are any arguments my position is to back up my wife. I'm her advocate in all things related to my parents. If in fact I agree with my mother, then that's a conversation I can have with my wife in private.


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I realize that this is an old thread and the OP is probably long gone, but I'm going to give my $.02 anyway.
> 
> When it comes to the in-laws there's really only one person who can deal with any issues that come up. The child of the in-law has to make it perfectly clear who the #1 woman (or man as the case may be) is in their life. In this case it's really past time that the husband lays down the law to his mother and quits being a mamma's boy.
> 
> It's rare for me to have any of these kinds of problems, but the bottom line for me is that if there are any arguments my position is to back up my wife. I'm her advocate in all things related to my parents. If in fact I agree with my mother, then that's a conversation I can have with my wife in private.


This


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