# Bear with me here...



## onamor6 (Oct 22, 2015)

I am here seeking advice from people who have been accused of being unfaithful, but have sincerely been 100% faithful to their spouse. 

The story:

I am the kind of person who always displays self confidence, enthusiasm, and I always bring a positive energy with me.

The reality is, I have serious body image issues due to my weight. In the last year I have lost almost 50lbs (I am still about 150lbs overweight). 

When I was a teenager, I remember thinking I'd never find someone who would love me for me but at the age of 20, the love of my life waltzed right into my life and his love for me is genuine. Almost 7 years later and after being married for a year, we've begun the process of trying to conceive. (Sorry for the back story here--I'm getting there!) It has been difficult, the first round of fertility medicine did not work and to say the very least -- it is frustrating. I have a medical condition that will make conceiving difficult, but not impossible, which adds to the stress of it.

Okay, now to the reason why I am here. 

A few days ago I took a few pictures of myself in a bra. Nothing too risqué -- literally just my chest/cleavage/upper stomach area. My intentions were to send these to my husband because we spend a lot of time apart (we work opposite work schedules), however, I didn't send them because I couldn't edit the pictures to where I felt comfortable. I deleted the photos from my phone for obvious reasons--the main one being at work we are always showing each other pictures. 

What I didn't know is that these pictures also synced to my home computer. 

Yesterday while at work I received a call from my husband. He said "If you aren't somewhere quiet you better get there now." So, I did. He came across the pictures and instantly assumed that since I never sent them to him that I sent them to other people and he was enraged. He told me he has 0 tolerance for infidelity (as do I!), and that he would be filing for a divorce tomorrow. Over the phone, I did everything I could to get him to believe that I did not send those to anyone but in his eyes -- since I deleted them off of my phone -- it was "shady".

I have never once in almost 7 years ever given him ANY reason to think for even a SECOND that I would do something like that. His mother ran around on his father, they divorced and he & his mom moved away closer to her mom's new (married) boyfriend. My husband has serious resentment issues there, which is where I think his feelings toward my pictures stemmed.

I ended up leaving work and went home. When I got home he was visibly upset/shaken. He just kept saying that he can't believe that we have "come this far in our relationship" for me to "throw it all away". He said "I can't believe I'm trying to have a child with a woman who would do this to me". I had to beg and plead with him to get him to understand that I did not send them to anyone and there was never an intention to do so. It took literally everything I had to prove to him I hadn't. Eventually, after a lot of talking between the two of us, he came to terms with the fact that I was telling the truth and that I'm not running around behind his back. We spoke openly about how we feel about our relationship, and he admitted that he was worried I sent them elsewhere because he is aware he doesn't give me the attention I deserve. He is afraid that him not giving me attention will force me to seek it elsewhere. 

So, now the reason for my post...Why do I feel so hurt? Upset? I can't stop crying. I'm physically sick. I am glad he was able to accept the fact that I am 100% faithful and honest to him, but why can't I let go of the fact that he even thought that in the first place?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Honestly I think you have to step outside yourself and look at this from his perperspective. This doesn't look good. If I'm in his position I would be questioning the hell out of this as well. You are loosing weight, then taking pics of yourself in states of undress, both are new things correct? Then the pics don't get sent and he discovers them on his own and jumped to, my opinion, a reasonable concern. Maybe your husband is more educated than I was on "Chester behavior" but those are two signs of possible Infidelity. 

No one really thinks they are with a cheater...I mean really they don't. Even when faced with evidence most will try and logically explain how it couldn't be. So he saw something and had a reaction and maybe he will be suspicious for awhile now. I think you just need to chalk this up to a miscommunication, one you were able to work though, and take some solace that he obviously still loves you to get upset about this.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

You also have to understand that he went through so much with his parents, that he took a chance getting married and trusting in the concept of marriage. He was probably in such shock that he didn't know what to think or believe. Just remember he went through a lot and he just has trust issues with people being faithful at all.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

He's probably a TAM member!
hahahahahahaha

We are a suspicious bunch!


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

He should have followed rule #1: Don't confront until you have all evidence. I wish I would have followed this rule. It's a good rule whether they are cheating or not. Volunteer to take a polygraph and make sure all your social media is transparent, i. e. Passwords etc. Also, and I hate to say this, but keep your eye on him, people tend to project their own actions on others. During my wife's affair she was constantly accusing me of cheating. In fact that was one of the ways she justified her cheating to herself. She had convinced herself that I was probably cheating on her so she might as well do the same. No matter what, be careful.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

DoneWithHurting said:


> He's probably a TAM member!
> hahahahahahaha
> 
> We are a suspicious bunch!


You read my mind! :nerd:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I understand your H's reaction to finding the photos. His conclusion was pretty logical. Your reaction is also understandable, since you didn't do anything wrong. You're scared because you feel your H has lost trust in you.

I was accused of cheating by my ex when I wasn't. I never have, and never would do that. At the time, his accusations came when he was actively engaged in serial cheating but I hadn't discovered it yet. So after I discovered his shenanigans, his unfounded accusation made much more sense to me-he was simply projecting his own behavior on to me. Now I certainly didn't think that right away. And I'm not throwing this out there to suggest that your H is doing anything improper.

Just keep talking to him. Tell him you're scared. Talk about cellphone use and transparency. Use it as a chance to fine tune all these kinds of issues in the marriage.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Well put yourself in his position and you should realise why he is so upset.

You two should sit down and talk about it. There is so much stress in both of you. Loosing weight,trying to get pregnant,work schedule.

I am curious why he left with his mom and her "boyfriend"? She was cheating on his father .


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## onamor6 (Oct 22, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Well put yourself in his position and you should realise why he is so upset.
> 
> You two should sit down and talk about it. There is so much stress in both of you. Loosing weight,trying to get pregnant,work schedule.
> 
> ...



He left bc his father was physically abusive to his mother.


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## onamor6 (Oct 22, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Honestly I think you have to step outside yourself and look at this from his perperspective. This doesn't look good. If I'm in his position I would be questioning the hell out of this as well. You are loosing weight, then taking pics of yourself in states of undress, both are new things correct? Then the pics don't get sent and he discovers them on his own and jumped to, my opinion, a reasonable concern. Maybe your husband is more educated than I was on "Chester behavior" but those are two signs of possible Infidelity.
> 
> No one really thinks they are with a cheater...I mean really they don't. Even when faced with evidence most will try and logically explain how it couldn't be. So he saw something and had a reaction and maybe he will be suspicious for awhile now. I think you just need to chalk this up to a miscommunication, one you were able to work though, and take some solace that he obviously still loves you to get upset about this.



Good points. Loosing weight isn't too new and I have taken and sent him pictures before. The pictures would not be something new to him.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I hate to admit it, but I would have probably assumed the same as your husband. However, I would have keylogged your computer and placed a VAR in your car. 

Is there something else you haven't mentioned yet? Is there an opposite sex friend of yours- the he's just a friend guy?

Do you do a lot of GNOs?

I can't say why you feel so hurt, probably because you are not cheating and feel like he should have assumed that. If that's it, I can tell you that I just about lost my mind when I suspected my XWW. It is very difficult to think of the person you love and trust most in the world as someone who would betray you. 

I suggest that you do not let this fester under the surface. If the two of you can't resolve it, find a good counselor to work with you.

Best
WD


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If my SO found pics of me on my phone or deleted or whatever, his first thought would not be that I was cheating. Breaking upwould also not spring to his mind first, either. So I understand why you feel hurt. You realize that the trust that you had built up over 7 years was not yet solid enough for him to think the pics were for him or that you may have taken them to track your weight loss progress. His mind immediately went elsewhere, maybe because of his family history. He didn't have good role models or examples to follow.



> He left bc his father was physically abusive to his mother.


This is actually something to keep an eye on, too. He had an abusive husband as a role model for how to be a husband. Your H has learned that anger first is a relationship dynamic. Other people learn differently from the role models in their life. He may need time to learn how to seek understanding (and listening and giving the benefit of the doubt) before thinking the worst and threatening divorce.


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## onamor6 (Oct 22, 2015)

workindad said:


> I hate to admit it, but I would have probably assumed the same as your husband. However, I would have keylogged your computer and placed a VAR in your car.
> 
> Is there something else you haven't mentioned yet? Is there an opposite sex friend of yours- the he's just a friend guy?
> 
> ...


I don't know what most of those abbreviations are. No, there are no "he's just a friend" guy friends. My friends are his friends and his are mine..we have the same circle of friends. Not sure what a GNO is ... if I'm guessing Girl's Night Out I don't have any of those either. Neither of us have many friends and we honestly do hang out with all the same people. 

I need to not let it fester and I do feel better now that I did this morning. It still hurts that is was his first conclusion.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Yes, you are hurt.

You were both hurt. Glad you started working it out.

Try to talk to him calmly about your hurt. 

I hope you both feel better.


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