# Just found out my husband is cheating



## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

I'm new here, but I need some real help.

I found out this morning that my husband is cheating on me online and possibly offline.

I found secret social media accounts, sexual texts with other women, sexual online messages with other women, and references to a female friend he spent a lot of time with earlier this year.

I am blindsided. He's always been the sweetest guy, seemed to really, truly love me in every way. 

I'm giving him the opportunity to come clean when he gets home in about an hour.

I don't know what to do. My first instinct is to run and not look back. I don't know how I could ever trust him.

I need some help. Anything is appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Strawberry Butterfly


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Strawberry, 

The first thing I would do is try to calm yourself. 

Gather all the information you can and keep it somewhere he will not find it. 

Make copies if you can. Think about what your plan will be. 

Do you want to confront him now or see how deep these things go. 

If you are not ready then call a family member or a friend to help you. 

Don't be alone through this. 


I am truly sorry you are going through this. There are some really great people on this site that will give you lots of good advice. 

Clay


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## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback, Clay. While I do wonder exactly how deep this goes, I have a good idea. I found quite a lot today. I think he counted on the fact that I wouldn't be able to or ever decide to go through his phone and the history on our computer.

Even though I found all of this, I'm still hoping he's an honest person and I want to see if he will willingly admit what is going on. 

He'll be home soon and I'll be sure to post an update as to what happens. I'm planning on being really vague in my questions with hopes that he'll understand it's time to just be honest about everything.

Should I spend the night at a friend's house? Should I make him? I need to go to work tomorrow and Friday and right now I can barely think straight.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, make sure you have copies of everything before you confront. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have some way of recording the confrontation as well. And my advice would be to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you confront, to know what your options are. 

Sorry you're here...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have him leave, rather than you. Do you have children? How long married?

Will you have him stop all contact with the OW and become transparent with you?

Did you use protection? Has he been tested for stds?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I too, am sorry that you are in your predicament, Strawberry! I totally agree with both Clay and Pbear that you should wait until you have what evidence you do have copied.

It would not be a bad idea to place a VAR(Voice-Activated-Recorder) in your hubby's car up under the car seat. If there is an affair going on, then that would yield an absolute plethora of information. Also get yourself tested for any possible presence of STD's.

I'm sorry that you're here at TAM, but it's the absolute best place in the world that you can be. We'll gladly shoulder you immediately and be here for you! Take care, m'dear!*


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Talk to him and then make him stay some where else. Give yourself some time to think. 

You really need to call your family or at least friends and have someone come stay with you if at all possible. The first day of finding out is the hardest. 

What ever you do know this is not your fault and don't let anyone tell you any different. He is responsible for his own actions just like you are. Stand your ground on being respected. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind that in most cases, you can ask him to leave, you can tell him to leave, you can even demand that he leave. But legally, he doesn't have to. Even if the house is in your name. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

strawberrybutterfly said:


> Even though I found all of this, *I'm still hoping he's an honest person* and I want to see if he will willingly admit what is going on.


I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of here have faced the same.

Keep one thing in mind. Your husband has proven he isn't honest. Don't expect him to admit to anything more than you can prove. That's what a vast majority of cheaters do. They follow the cheater's script. He's cheating on you, but what you don't know yet is the depth of the betrayal. You need to find out before you decide whether to R with him. 

Follow the advice here on surveillance. A VAR in his car and a keylogger on his computer would be a good start. If it were me, I'd do this before confronting him so he won't start taking it underground. If he does it will make it all the more difficult to find out the full extent of what he's done.

Whatever you do, don't rug sweep this. After you confront, take some time away from him and let him understand what it's like to lose a wife for cheating on her.

Keep posting.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

If you have no children, I would cut my losses, run and not look back. I don't think you need to know more then you already do...he is a sneaky cheat. 

So sorry you are in this situation.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

strawberrybutterfly said:


> I'm giving him the opportunity to come clean when he gets home in about an hour.


I wouldn't do this unless the communications you've seen leave no doubt there's been physical relationships.

I'd bide my time and get more evidence before confronting him.

He's just going to lie like a madman if you confront without absolute evidence.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I wouldn't do this unless the communications you've seen leave no doubt there's been physical relationships.
> 
> I'd bide my time and get more evidence before confronting him.
> 
> *He's just going to lie like a madman if you confront without absolute evidence.*


Yep, and even then they still deny it. Mine denied it 20 times as I played the recording to him, of the two of them that very same night "talking".


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## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

PBear said:


> Keep in mind that in most cases, you can ask him to leave, you can tell him to leave, you can even demand that he leave. But legally, he doesn't have to. Even if the house is in your name.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the heads up.We're renting, so I'm not sure how that works. He has family nearby, so I'm hoping he will be willing to stay with them for awhile.



badmemory said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of here have faced the same.
> 
> Keep one thing in mind. Your husband has proven he isn't honest. Don't expect him to admit to anything more than you can prove. That's what a vast majority of cheaters do. They follow the cheater's script. He's cheating on you, but what you don't know yet is the depth of the betrayal. You need to find out before you decide whether to R with him.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback. I took pictures of conversation, I have all the files, heck, I found half of it on my computer. Most of it was done on a cell phone that I am the account owner of.

I almost feel like I don't want to know how far this goes. I can't see ever trusting him again whether I know or not.



PBear said:


> First off, make sure you have copies of everything before you confront. It wouldn't be a bad idea to have some way of recording the confrontation as well. And my advice would be to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you confront, to know what your options are.
> 
> Sorry you're here...
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I made copies/took pictures of everything.



harrybrown said:


> Have him leave, rather than you. Do you have children? How long married?
> 
> Will you have him stop all contact with the OW and become transparent with you?
> 
> Did you use protection? Has he been tested for stds?


We don't have any children and we've been married for 1 year, dating for 5 before that.

I am hoping he will be transparent with me. I've never met the OW, but we just moved to DC from Oregon and she lives back in Oregon. She wasn't one of the women who he's been chatting with, but I did find a "diary entry" of sorts in a word document.

We don't use protection because I'm on BC and (from what he has told me in the past) we were both virgins when we met.

I'll get tested.



arbitrator said:


> *I too, am sorry that you are in your predicament, Strawberry! I totally agree with both Clay and Pbear that you should wait until you have what evidence you do have copied.
> 
> It would not be a bad idea to place a VAR(Voice-Activated-Recorder) in your hubby's car up under the car seat. If there is an affair going on, then that would yield an absolute plethora of information. Also get yourself tested for any possible presence of STD's.
> 
> I'm sorry that you're here at TAM, but it's the absolute best place in the world that you can be. We'll gladly shoulder you immediately and be here for you! Take care, m'dear!*


Thanks for the kind words. I'm going to need all the help I can get.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I am sorry for what you are about to go through. Please take the advice from people on here. I confronted my husband too early on his EA and it dragged on longer than necessary.


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## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> Talk to him and then make him stay some where else. Give yourself some time to think.
> 
> You really need to call your family or at least friends and have someone come stay with you if at all possible. The first day of finding out is the hardest.
> 
> ...


I'll see if I can get a friend to stay over tonight. Thanks for the advice.



livnlearn said:


> If you have no children, I would cut my losses, run and not look back. I don't think you need to know more then you already do...he is a sneaky cheat.
> 
> So sorry you are in this situation.


Thanks for the kind words. I'm thinking this is my best option at this point.



tacoma said:


> I wouldn't do this unless the communications you've seen leave no doubt there's been physical relationships.
> 
> I'd bide my time and get more evidence before confronting him.
> 
> He's just going to lie like a madman if you confront without absolute evidence.


I have hard evidence of multiple online/text/emotional affairs. Suspicion of a PA. That's more than what I can handle. I'm still going to make him get out.



NeverMore said:


> Yep, and even then they still deny it. Mine denied it 20 times as I played the recording to him, of the two of them that very same night "talking".





michzz said:


> and cover his tracks!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

strawberrybutterfly said:


> I almost feel like I don't want to know how far this goes. I can't see ever trusting him again whether I know or not.


Dear, we often repeat a saying around here. "If you're thinking about R, you have to know what you're trying to forgive first".


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

So sorry strawberry, but in my experience and many others, even with evidence and confronting, and him swearing he'll stop, the cheater almost always goes back to the affair.
Mine did all the while we were going to MC and I was greatly improving myself. The recording was for me to see if 3 months after DDay if he was still cheating. Yep he was. Honestly if it were me, since you don't have kids, I would get out now. Most don't change and will just lie to keep you there with them. They want cake.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing. You have seen some posters suggest that you just end it now. But that's not just a knee jerk reaction.

Comparatively, you have lower investment in this marriage than many do, in terms of your age (I presume), years of marriage - and no children. Much easier to D now rather than being married 20 years with 3 kids.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

badmemory said:


> One other thing. You have seen some posters suggest that you just end it now. But that's not just a knee jerk reaction.
> 
> Comparatively, you have lower investment in this marriage than many do, in terms of your age (I presume), years of marriage - and no children. Much easier to D now rather than being married 20 years with 3 kids.


Exactly. Mine has been cheating on me most of the 11 years we were together. We have 4 kids together. Had I known, I would have left a long time ago. Because he still would have done this no matter how "perfect" I was.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So sorry you are here.
My H had an A 2 years Ago. We have been married 20 years and are trying to reconcile.
It's a long heartbreaking path and I fear we are not going to make it.
You will get lots of help and support here.
Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> He's always been the sweetest guy, seemed to really, truly love me in every way


He could well be. But that doesn't mean he cannot also be a cheater.

Careful with confrontation without hard evidence. 

Look after yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NeverMore said:


> So sorry strawberry, but in my experience and many others, even with evidence and confronting, and him swearing he'll stop, the cheater almost always goes back to the affair.
> Mine did all the while we were going to MC and I was greatly improving myself. The recording was for me to see if 3 months after DDay if he was still cheating. Yep he was. Honestly if it were me, since you don't have kids, I would get out now. Most don't change and will just lie to keep you there with them. They want cake.


Often, but not always.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Take care of yourself.

Make a plan and stick to it.

Get more information, if possible and you want it.

Do a hard 180, and do it for yourself.

Speak to a lawyer and check your options.

Get tested for STDs.

Ask him to take a polygraph if you want more information. 

Honestly, 1-year in and no kids... I know what I would do.

He's showing you now what your future will be like. Imagine 20-years of this crap with kids in the mix. He will of course get better at hiding things in the future.

Good luck
WD


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The devious behavior should be a deal breaker. It's not like it was a ONS. Moreover it has come so early in your relationship. 

Do not so much as give him a hug goodbye. Go dark on him and file for divorce. Some confrontation may be necessary to gain closure but keep in short and sweet since you don't want to shift through his lies. You know too much already.

Turn off his cell phone.


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## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

So, he came home.

I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk to me about.

He took a deep sigh and admitted everything. Everything I knew and things I didn't.

He has been having online sexual relationships with women for the last 6 months and about a month ago he met up with one in person. He swears it was once and they didn't close the deal, just had oral relations. He was sober.

He gave me his phone, left the computer and wrote down all the logins and passwords for the email and social accounts I found and some that I didn't.

He said that recently he's been angry and distant (I've noticed) because he has been really guilty and has been debating about talking to me for awhile now. He said he was planning on sitting me down this weekend as he has an important day tomorrow.

He said over and over that it isn't my fault and that this is all on him. That he is a horrible person that made bad choices and made mistakes. He said he doesn't deserve for me to forgive him, but he's hoping I will because he wants to fight to make us work. He said he's willing to do anything even if that means not having a computer or a phone. He also says he knows me well enough to believe that I'm not going to be giving him another chance.

All I know right now is that I'm in shock and in pain. I have no idea what I'm going to do at this point. I've never felt so betrayed.

I've got a friend staying the night with me, he's with family. Trying to take it one step at a time.

I appreciate all the kind words and will do my best to respond to everyone.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I wish I could give you a hug through the computer. I'm so sorry.

Now is some time for some serious soul searching. What do you see in your future with this man? I am currently in R with my H after his EA. I decided to stay with him because we have been married over 20 years, his fling was short and did not turn physical and because he completely turned himself over to me as far as phone, computers, dealing with my anger and answering my questions over and over again patiently. We have two decades of love and partnership on our side and it's still HARD!

I'm not sure I would have stayed with him had something like this happened during our newlywed years. No, I'm SURE I would have left him. You are going to be angry and confused and received conflicting opinions from many sides. Please focus on what is right for YOU...not him or his family or friends.

Try to get sleep, keep eating and schedule yourself a Dr. apt for STD testing ASAP. I would also suggest contacting an attorney to see what your options are.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

I am so sorry. While its your choice. Get out while the getting is good.... He is a liar and he did have more than oral relations with that hooker. Then he brings to you every one of those guys that hooker had been with... I really hope you get checked.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Good and bad news here:
*


strawberrybutterfly said:


> He swears it was once and they didn't close the deal, just had oral relations. He was sober.
> 
> *Bad: His story is very unlikely about just oral, just once. Not impossible, but improbable.*
> 
> ...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

SB,

You need to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. This is not going to be easy at all.

Make sure you exercise every day and get out and get sunshine on your face. Do not wallow in despair. Force yourself to get up and go for a walk.

Make sure you have great friends and a good support group. I am very sorry you are here sister. God bless.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

One thing I will say is that for me my wife lied for years, even when I had hard proof. Your WH seems to have come clean.

Now what?

The emotional roller coaster. Hel*. Pain. Confusion. Tears. Horrible pain. Etc. 


Don't be quick to forgive. Don't plead. Take time. Don't make any hasty decisions, your emotional state is too screwed up at this point. You have plenty of time to come to a decision about your future with or without him. 


Expose the A.


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## fadedsmile (Nov 4, 2013)

I am so sorry. I remember the horror of being blindsided when I found thousands of text messages on our bill to a number that I didn't know. I had a friend call the number to confirm it was a girl and get the name. Did research some first, etc... it's been a long road and I did it alone for the past 19-20 months, but glad you came here for support as I wish I had done it so much sooner. I know how you are feeling and I am so sorry for you. Hugs!!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husband was sorry too but never did stop. I would be careful because this could get rug-swept very easily.

It's easier mentally to bury such an unimaginable betrayal than to work through it and find out why only to never be sure it won't happen again. 

I didn't read the whole thread but if you don't have children or you can support yourself, I would strongly urge you to get out of this marriage.

I know my stbxh was spending $600.00 weekly on hookers and I doubt was paying to use protection. Get tested soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Compulsive behavior. Sounds like he'll never stop. If you take him back, you'll have constantly verify what he is doing. No quality
Of life in that

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

Just figured I would post an update to anyone still following. 

It turns out this is much worse than I originally thought. He has essentially been living a double life since we got together.

This was not a case where our marriage had just gone downhill, this was not a case where he wasn't getting attention at home, this was a case where he never let himself be part of this marriage because he never opened himself up to me.

He's admitted that he lied to me over the last 6 years about his adult entertainment and his "alone time" habits. He's been creating an imaginary persona online "tricking" these girls into thinking he was someone he's not to have online and offline affairs with him.

Throughout our marriage, I was the one who tried to give him attention and tried to propose intimacy. I was turned down more times than not because he was "not in the mood". I never realized he was not in the mood because he was getting himself off in more ways than one. He never really shared this side of himself with me. He never really gave me his intimacy.

I think he has a real problem. I think he is unhappy with who he is and feels like he needs to create a fake life to make himself feel better about who he is. 

In the end, I think it was guilt that led to this point because he realized that he never gave himself to this marriage like I did. Deep down, he knew he was taking advantage of me.

He said he knows me well enough to know that our marriage is over. I think this was his way of letting me go. 

The roller coaster has started. One moment I hate him. One moment I miss him. One moment I am stone sober and start thinking about the best way to move on.

I can't see this being repaired. It's possible to repair something that was broken, but I have no idea how to repair something that never was. I might have shared my life with him, but he never shared his life with me.

Somewhere in that roller coaster I'm starting to feel pity for him. He really has issues that he needs help with and I don't think I can help that process. 

I've been the breadwinner for the past few years (he is in culinary school) and now he has nothing. I'm also dealing with the guilt of essentially cutting him off. He has no job, no degree, no money. But he needs to grow up. He had the easy road to do that and he chose the hard one.

I'm with my parents now. First step: I'm seeing my doc today. Second step: I'm talking to a lawyer soon and planning on trying to move to a new place.

I just wish the roller coaster would stop.

Pain. Heartbreak. Pity. Guilt. Yearning. Temporarily sane. Excruciating pain. Heartbreak. I just want it to stop.

Thanks for all the kind words.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

strawberrybutterfly said:


> Just figured I would post an update to anyone still following.
> 
> It turns out this is much worse than I originally thought. He has essentially been living a double life since we got together.
> 
> ...


STD test immediately, stay at your parents, leave him forever, he can talk to the lawyer, not you. Game over. You will recover, if you cut him off. You will not, if you worry about him.
The man you loved is a con man at best. The man you loved never existed. None of it is your fault. Going back for more, would be.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Drop the guilt! It is useless in your healing. I know it comes from a good place but who cares if he has nothing? 

Honestly you need to embrace a little anger right now. He scammed you, used you, and most importantly: he repeatedly and knowingly put your very LIFE at risk! Get good and mad and use that energy to push you forward in a positive way. 

Go to a counselor for you, figure out what parts of you you'd maybe like to work on. When you decide to date again you can spot creeps. You will know the choices you are making aren't out of old issues and damage. I hope this doesn't sound judgmental or harsh. I don't mean it like that at all. 

You just seem relatively calm about this and it would seem that some day the emotions will surface. It's the pay now vs. pay a lot later way I found helpful to me. 

I would take no pity on this person. 

I am sorry that you are here. Good luck at the doctor.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Moving from Pain to Recovery 
by Peggy Vaughan


Sometimes just "thinking" about the time when you learned about your spouse's affair (even after a lot of time has passed) feels like it just happened - or that it's happening all over again. People make comments like: "It still feels like it just happened yesterday" or "It is like my brain and body don't realize that any time at all has passed; it is literally like being THEN." 

There's actually a biological basis for this: the body doesn't discriminate between whether something is actually happening at a given moment or whether the brain is simply "reviewing" past events. 

This is why going over and over the painful details in your mind makes it so difficult to recover; it's as if it's happening again and again. The body doesn't know the difference. 

So the passage of time does very little to help in recovering. In fact, it can make it worse if the time is spent obsessively going over the painful thoughts. There needs to be a concerted effort to try to get more understanding and perspective rather than just repeatedly reviewing all the details. 

Naturally, this is easier said than done. I still remember the struggle to come to the point where I could emotionally accept a lot of things that I could rationally understand. (There's an inevitable gap between intellectually understanding something like this and emotionally accepting the reality of it.) 

The painful thoughts will come (they can't be prevented). But what happens next makes all the difference. If someone "gives in" to the painful thoughts and dwells on them, the pain will stay the same - or get worse. But if someone acknowledges the painful emotions are there again (but deliberately focuses their attention on whatever rational understandings they're gaining about the whole issue of affairs), then they're gaining some control of the power of the thoughts to bring pain. 

There's an old saying that applies in this kind of situation: "What we feed is what grows." So feeding the painful thoughts makes them hang in and maintain their strength. Refusing to feed them weakens them. 

In this context, let me focus on the purpose of our BAN Support Groups: 

BAN serves two primary purposes: 

--As a place to safely share the painful emotions that interfere with recovery.
--As a place to gain strength and perspective, aimed at thinking more clearly and acting more effectively - in order to recover from this experience. 

Just as when a leg is broken and a crutch is essential for a period of time, the group needs to be this kind of crutch for awhile; but if that's all it offers, the person can become dependent and never learn to walk on their own. 

The ultimate goal of BAN is to help people reach a point where they no longer need it. However, as I've also said many times, this process takes time and can't be rushed. Nevertheless, it's important that BAN serve to actually "move the process along." 

So whether you're involved in BAN or trying to recover on your own, it's important to be in touch with others who will "be there" for each other - not only for support in sharing painful emotions, but for sharing constructive ideas/efforts to get beyond the painful emotions. This is the key to finally recovering and healing from the pain of this experience.


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## strawberrybutterfly (Nov 13, 2013)

Again, an update for anyone still following.

I went to the doctor and everything is fine. My doc is so great she gave me something to sleep and calm my nerves enough to try and stay busy. 

I've started to sort through the evidence but it doesn't seem to help. I'm waiting to look at any more until I know what the lawyer needs.

Somehow I managed the strength to contact the OW he admitted to meeting up with once. She was in disbelief. Apparently he had given her a completely different name, occupation, location...a completely different life. She also admitted they had been dating since August, and met up _she says_ 4 times. 

I think that really solidified my decision. Even when he was "coming clean" he was lying. It makes me feel like he is incapable of telling the truth.

How can you even attempt R of a relationship that was a lie with a spouse who is incapable of telling the truth?

I have a meeting with a lawyer today.

Logistically, the only thing that I can't figure out is how to get the management company to let me out of our lease on our condo. This place was supposed to be our first home. This is where we were going to start our life together. Everything about that place reminds me of the hopes and dreams I had that he's crushed.

I have family visiting for the holidays, so I have somewhere to stay for this week and next, but I am dreading what happens next.

Of course I'm writing all of this from my lucid place. Ask me anything in about an hour and I won't be able to form a complete sentence.

I appreciate any suggestions on how to go about how to move on and put the pieces back together. I'm two weeks into a new job so taking time off right now is not an option. I will not let him affect my job.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Strawberry, 
Wow, I'm sorry for your situation.Hang in there.
It is a terrible thing to be going through. 

Can he leave the condo instead of you? 

~sammy


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

NeverMore said:


> So sorry strawberry, but in my experience and many others, even with evidence and confronting, and him swearing he'll stop, the cheater almost always goes back to the affair.
> Mine did all the while we were going to MC and I was greatly improving myself. The recording was for me to see if 3 months after DDay if he was still cheating. Yep he was. Honestly if it were me, since you don't have kids, I would get out now. Most don't change and will just lie to keep you there with them. They want cake.


:iagree: 100% mine did the exact same thing. We would attend MC together and then he go pick up his GF.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

nogutsnoglory said:


> STD test immediately, stay at your parents, leave him forever, he can talk to the lawyer, not you. Game over. You will recover, if you cut him off. You will not, if you worry about him.
> The man you loved is a con man at best. The man you loved never existed. None of it is your fault. Going back for more, would be.


BEAUTIFULLY SAID... :smthumbup:


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I am so sorry you are going through this... I don't have much of anything to add, but to let you know I've read your thread and I feel for you. I am also going through a separation and inevitable divorce.

Allow yourself to feel and continue to take one step at a time. One day at a time.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

mtn.lioness said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this... I don't have much of anything to add, but to let you know I've read your thread and I feel for you. I am also going through a separation and inevitable divorce.
> 
> Allow yourself to feel and continue to take one step at a time. One day at a time.


:iagree:


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

strawberrybutterfly said:


> .......
> 
> How can you even attempt R of a relationship that was a lie with a spouse who is incapable of telling the truth?
> 
> ...


O dear - sorry for where you are

I find myself recently often saying 'you have given yourself to somebody who you now realize is not that person' - defines the relationship as living a lie in a general sense, the wayward taking the presented opportunities to transgress but of course enjoying the life they have with you running alongside - classic cake eating syndrome

But your husband - christ - he's gone further than that - he's actually lead a lie right from the start !! 

You deserve better.

I would look at this in a slightly different way strawberry - YOU have been lucky here Oh yes lucky - I mean it. It may not quite feel like that but to have no kids and a free road out of that bad place is a blessing.

Pick any thread on here that has a marriage of 12 yrs + two / three kids and a betrayed spouse who has been systematically ripped to shreds slowly - kids family destroyed. 

That's you in another 6 years 

You know what to do


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

strawberrybutterfly said:


> I went to the doctor and everything is fine. My doc is so great she gave me something to sleep and calm my nerves enough to try and stay busy.
> 
> *Good move for you on seeing your doctor. Glad the tests came back clear.*
> 
> ...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good luck!!


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