# Problems regarding wedding



## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

In less than two weeks, I am getting married. I am very excited, but I am very stressed, in large part due to my mom. Before you say anything, I know what I am getting into when I asked my mom to help out financially with the wedding. However, she insists upon doing EVERYTHING herself and COMPLAINS that she has too much to do, even when we have all offered to get her help with the wedding. She thinks she can do it all herself for some reason. We offered to get a caterer instead of her cooking all of the food herself and she turned it down because she thought her food would be much better than the caterers. Oh well, I guess. 

Now she wants me to come up a week before my wedding and I live over 300 mi away. As much as I want to go and help out a few days beforehand, it would cost a lot of money driving two vehicles there and after the wedding, we are going 14 hrs away to our honeymoon. I am not sure what I need to do with my car because we will have to drive 14 hours or more up to my house to get it and have to drive at least 6 more hours to where we live. I think it would be virtually impossible. I am afraid that if I tell my mother this, she will get very angry and make me feel terrible for not helping out. I am scared about that. So what should I do? Thanks!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*This again?? Really?*



capricorngirl_99 said:


> In less than two weeks, I am getting married. I am very excited, but I am very stressed, in large part due to my mom. Before you say anything, I know what I am getting into when I asked my mom to help out financially with the wedding. However, she insists upon doing EVERYTHING herself and COMPLAINS that she has too much to do, even when we have all offered to get her help with the wedding. She thinks she can do it all herself for some reason. We offered to get a caterer instead of her cooking all of the food herself and she turned it down because she thought her food would be much better than the caterers. Oh well, I guess.
> If you want control of your wedding, you cannot accept any financial help from someone like your mother. My heart goes out to you because my mom is the same-she wanted to make my wedding all about her and that is why she insisted on paying. I am a strong woman who will not be bossed about by mother. We eloped to get away from her. I feel bad that it hurt my father, but my mother needed to know that only we control our life and our marriage. Your mom is just a martyr.
> 
> Now she wants me to come up a week before my wedding and I live over 300 mi away. As much as I want to go and help out a few days beforehand, it would cost a lot of money driving two vehicles there and after the wedding, we are going 14 hrs away to our honeymoon. I am not sure what I need to do with my car because we will have to drive 14 hours or more up to my house to get it and have to drive at least 6 more hours to where we live. I think it would be virtually impossible. I am afraid that if I tell my mother this, she will get very angry and make me feel terrible for not helping out. I am scared about that. So what should I do? Thanks!Whenever you post about your mother, what do people tell you? Go back and read the responses to your past posts. You are a *grown woman *who wants to behave like a scared little girl. As a married adult, you will need to *gain some strength *and realize that your mother cannot live her life for you. Nobody can "make" you feel anything my dear. You *choose *to allow your mother to use guilt in order hold you hostage. I know you are smart enough to know what changes you have to make in the relationship with your mom. It is very empowering to set boundaries with controlling people. Try it. Practice saying "Sorry Mom. I can't do that." If she becomes belligerent, simply end the conversation.
> ...


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

I am sorry about all of this. This makes me feel bad. I just need to quit making excuses for myself and start putting my foot down to my mother. I am doing such things as limiting my contact with her. BTW, my fiance was the one who suggested that I ask her to help pay for the wedding. However, I am willing to change for both him and myself.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Glad to hear it. No need to apologize. 

How does your fiance feel about your mother?


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

He doesn't like her very much. I mean, they have never got into any fights yet or anything, but he hates how she treats me and tries to control me. Once this wedding is over, I plan on getting better about this whole thing and trying to stop her controlling ways.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband doesn't like my mother either. He just tolerates her because of me. 

You will probably not change her controlling ways. All you can change is how you respond.

Remember, you don't have to be mean or nasty to your mother. You can be polite, calm yet firm. 

Be prepared for histronics, threats and ultimatums. Simply respond with "I am sorry you feel that way, Mom. I need to make this choice for myself. You cannot live my life for me."

Is your father a part of your life? If so, you can also talk to him about your concerns.


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## capricorngirl_99 (Feb 7, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband doesn't like my mother either. He just tolerates her because of me. Wow, my fiance says the same thing. He even wants to say stuff to her, but he holds back because of me
> 
> You will probably not change her controlling ways. All you can change is how you respond.
> 
> ...


My dad is a part of my life and he understands how I feel with her and sometimes he gets tired of her histrionics. He treats me like an adult


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Then you have a pillar of strength in your daddy. Talk to your father and ask him to help you with your mom. 

My mother does not listen when I tell her to back off. So I just tell my dear old dad (We're very close.) when La Maman is being unbearable. Mom hates to be scolded by him.


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