# Help - remarried with difficult adult stepdaughter



## VickiG

I’m recently remarried to the man of my dreams until I had to also live with his 20 year old daughter. We had gotten along fine until this time during the year and a half we dated. She lived on and off with her dad for 3 years after her mom kicked her out. He’d told me all along he had 3 rules, clean up after yourself (how hard can that be when you have a maid), cat stays in the basement because he’s allergic, and no guys in the bedroom or overnight. All rules were broken but he insisted she would have to abide once we all lived together. So for 5 months it was one incident after another. He would talk to her about it and she would resent me more especially because dad would less often just throw her a few hundred dollars. 

He already paid her insurances, phone bill and lived here for free. I began losing respect for both of them. There were never any consequences so it continued and started causing problems amongst all of us. Three months in my mom also moved in and their rooms ewere next to each other. She’s 77 and a Godly woman so I didn’t think it appropriate nor was it comfortable since the most recent boyfriend she only knew a month and we barely knew or hardly saw him. 

I worked 4 ten hour days and would have a hard time knowing there were strangers here. She finally planned to move out with a girlfriend on dec 1st. Three days prior she snuck the boy in again. I was in bed and asked my husband to see what was going on. He blew it off like it was nothing so I said I would go down (mind you, I had not been saying anything but leaving this in my husbands hands yet getting more annoyed); I got up, got dressed and went downstairs. She was in the hall, not outside as my husband thought, so I told her the boy had to leave and I would wait until he did. She got rather snippy with me and a few minutes later they came out of her room and left. 

My husband was surprised they were inside and I was annoyed he allowed it all to happen. The next night he said she wanted to talk to me thinking she wanted to apologize. He stayed in the room and she preceded to verbally attack me and tell me not to interrupt her while she said every evil thing she could think of. At that point I chose not to get into a yelling name calling match with her but see how my husband would handle it. He repeatedly told her to stop until finally he said if you’re going to disrespect my wife, you’re disrespecting me so you need to leave. 

I have not talked to her since. Of course they are fine. I don’t expect him not to love his daughter but I feel like he holds this against me and I am separated from his life when it comes to his kids now. He says he doesn’t know how this will ever get better as if I’m supposed to apologize as she will not. Every time her name is brought up I feel angry. There are unresolved issues and it’s affecting my marriage. I don’t know what to do.


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## VickiG

I’m not sure how this forum works as I haven’t gotten any responses.


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## Andy1001

VickiG said:


> I’m not sure how this forum works as I haven’t gotten any responses.


Do you live in your husbands house or is it owned by both of you?.You sort of glossed over the fact that your mother has moved in,you now have a scenario where you seem to want your stepdaughter to leave while your mother stays.I’m not comparing them by any means I’m just trying to point out how your husband sees it.
Another point you make is your mother is a “godly woman”.Does religion play a big part in your life?
In my opinion I would separate before I would allow any of my in laws to stay in my home but that’s just me.
I’m not making any judgment here, I just think you need to supply more information if you want people to reply.


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## EleGirl

VickiG said:


> I’m not sure how this forum works as I haven’t gotten any responses.


You posted this is a very low traffic forum. Not a lot of people read here. I can move your thread to General Relationship Discussion and you will get more responses. Just tell me this is ok with your and I'll make the move.

Also, your post is a wall of text with no real paragraph breaks. It makes the post hard to read so maybe people give up. I'll edit your post to add paragraph breaks and see if that helps.


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## EleGirl

I have some questions for you to get a better idea of what's going on.

Is this a home that your husband owned before you two married? 

How big is the house.. how many square feet? 

How many bedrooms?

I'm asking about the size of the house because it can make a huge different with having so many adults living under the same roof.

What is your husband's take about having your mother live with you? Did he agree to this before you married him? Or did you spring this idea on him after your married? How does he feel about your mother living with you?

Your step daughter likely sees you as an intruder in her life and it's a reasonable way for her to feel. After all she had no choice in her father marrying you. She does not have to even like you. She should treat you with some basic respect.

Once I get answers to my questions, I can respond further.


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## chillymorn69

Its your husbands responcibility to deal with his daughter.

He knows whats going on and is turning a blind eye to it. That pisses you off so you take it upone yourself to be the enforcer. 

Bad idea!

Let him deal with it. If hes not dealing with it the way you like either bite your tougne or move out with your mom in tow.

Shes twenty hopefully she will move out soon. But its his daughter and its hard to kick your kids out even if there monsters.

You could reseach how to deal with difficuladult children and give him stuff to read and educate himself with and try to suport his frustrations with dealing with this difficult daughter. 

But pushing too hard you might drive him to resent you. 


Tough spot to be in.


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## SunCMars

You married the man of your dreams.
Dreams are funny things, they are.

They are fragile.
They rely on feedback from reality or someplace unseen. A hopeful place.

As I see it. You must wrest control of the TV control. TV as in The Video control that parades before your eyes. Floats in the gel that protects your optic nerve.
Your good sense of decorum.

Not the remote. The remote TV control. That is your husband. The man of your dreams.

You need to control the sparse short hair on the daughters time slot. 
You need to control the balls that live in the house.
Control the balls that wander in off the street.

Your dream married man is not up to the job.
Hence, you must be.
Must be. 

To protect what is yours.
Your husband. 
To keep him dream worthy.

Shoo out the nightmares that come-and-go in the night.
That cum between the sheets. Go slam bang in the night.

Wrest control. 

Take control of your dreams.
Make them worthy of your attention.

The others are not worthy.
Worthy of detention, not.

Shoo the rascals out.
Take control of your dreams.
Take control of your life.

You must.

Dreams are fragile, as are you.

SunCMars-


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## VickiG

First of all, thank you all! This has and is difficult for me. He’s told me how his kids need to grow up. He needs to live his life and he’s raised his kids. Please understand, she is 20, now 21 but still his daughter I understand. I love my 2 kids as well and will always be there for them and help if needed. But if they were to be disrespectful and talk like that to him, I would say it’s time for them to move on. It’s hard to start a marriage with another grown woman in the house that does not respect the rules. I expect him to take responsibility for the situation and give us the best opportunity for a successful marriage.

To answer a few questions, my mom had lived with me. She stayed in my condo until I rented it out. He knew she would move in with us for at least half the year, the other half with my other siblings.

Our home is 5000 sq ft but that includes the lower level that we don’t use much.

If this could be posted on another forum for better input, please do so. I wasn’t sure what to do.


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## VickiG

We purchased our home. It’s in my name due to credit and complicated issues with his ex.
He had lost both his parents and feels we should care for parents and children grow up and move on to live their own lives. My mom takes care of herself and is helpful. She abides by the rules. You don’t have to constantly tell her what they are. She respects both of us.
Unfortunately that was not the case with my husbands daughter.
I seriously want to let this go on my part and hopefully in time I won’t feel the disrespect and anger from the lack of carry through and subjection I had to deal with that was bound to turn out badly on my husbands part and the disrespect from his daughter. I feel at 21 it’s time to grow up and be appreciative for what she has and thankful that her dad has love in his life again.


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## VickiG

Dear SunCMars
You responded to my concern with such insight I am in awe and breath taken. I feel so drawn in and hungry for more. I tried to take control of the situation which drew the line with me and my husbands daughter.

I unfortunately have been under a lot of stress and am the type to wear my heart on my sleeve and say what I feel. I’d rather talk or even argue rather than the silent treatment. He on the other hand will shut down and shut me down which enfuriates me. I am basically loving and compassionate but firey as well. I am trying not to let my emotions get the best of me because I do love and respect this man but wish he would be better at carrying through with some consequences in these problem areas.
I am fine with him helping and loving his kids, but if he has rules, I expect he should take steps to ensure they understand they cannot continue to be disrespectful by ignoring them. He doesn’t like confrontation and wants to people please but it’s causing us problems.
Thank you so much again for your words of comfort and wisdom.


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## Diana7

This is why second marriages can be hard, and many don't survive, because you are not just marrying the man or woman but you have step children as well. When my husband and I married my 2 daughters were still with me(then aged late teens/early 20's), and initially they did NOT want a dad around as they had been so hurt by their own dad. He was very patient and has always treated my children as his own. With time they came round and now they think he is amazing and get on with him so well. 

I feel for this young lady, her home life has been messed up by her parents, and now her dad has bought home another lady. Give it time, be patient, but don't tell her what to do.
How old is your mum? Cant she manage alone? Just asking as I would never ever live with any of my children as I want them to have their own lives independent of me. 
To be honest you are fortunate that he is ok with her being there for so long, especially as yours is a recent relationship, so its doesn't seem fair that to you his own child isn't welcome.


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## VickiG

As I stated earlier, my mom is 77 and lived with me before we married for half the year the other half with my sister and her husband. I will always help my parent and my husband was good with that.
His adult daughter on the other hand has her future ahead of her. She is unfortunately disrespectful and would not abide by her dads rules of the house. For 4 1/2 months I said nothing to her while it all continued. This is our home and unknown guys being snuck in at night is not acceptable. I’m sorry life isn’t perfect but to marry with adult children who continue to break the house rules will cause problems. To speak to me with such disrespect and contempt is hurtful. 
I very much appreciate and love my husband, but I am just as important in this marriage. He asked me to marry him. I brought no surprises. Marriage is hard enough, adapting to each other’s lifestyles can be challenging and adding other adult family members makes it even more challenging. If my mom disrespected him, I would handle it. If things didn’t change, I would discuss other arrangements with her.


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## Bobby5000

Sounds like a tough situation. Marrying someone if you do not like their children is a problem. I have raised two step children. First, the primary discipline comes from the natural parent, to prevent scenarios like yours where you kicked a boy out creating a big fight. 

A 20 year old sleeping with her boyfriend is not that unusual. More important, if you do not have a close relationship with the daughter, she does not want to accept moral instruction from you. I think an apology on both sides would be a good idea, though neither of you believe you are wrong. Certainly it would not be wrong for your husband to set down rules but their creation and enforcement should come from him (and if he allows your mother to live there, it is not her business to chime in).


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## FeministInPink

@VickiG Your husband has put you in a very unfortunate situation, and this is not a new issue, even though it is very new to you. SD's disrespectful behavior towards your husband has very deep roots. It can be resolved, but it will take a lot of effort, especially on your husband's part.

From your posts, it sounds like this all bothers your husband, but he doesn't know how to deal with it. He loves you, and he loves his daughter, and so when there is conflict, it puts him in a very difficult position. But more importantly, he doesn't know how to discipline his daughter. I would venture a guess that he felt guilty over the divorce when his daughter was younger, and he took on the "fun dad" role and spoiled her. She likely had him wrapped around her little finger.

He needs to learn how to establish boundaries with her, and he needs to ENFORCE those boundaries. This isn't something that you should take responsibility for, because this will likely cause additional tension between you and your H, and there is a strong likelihood that SD will blame you for trying to put a wedge between her and her father. If things get tense between the two of you, he may begin to think the same thing.

I would recommend that you say to him, "Husband, I don't like the way Daughter disrespects you and the conflict it creates in our home. I want our relationship to thrive, and I want your relationship with Daughter to be stronger, more loving, and more respectful. We are in uncharted waters here, and I think we may be lacking in our knowledge of how to deal with this situation. Would you be open to speaking with a family therapist, you and I, so we can work together to find a way to address this situation in a healthy way?"

He needs to learn these skills, and he can't do it alone, but you also can't be the one to teach him or to push him to act in a certain way. The therapist needs to be the one to do that. S/he will be an impartial voice of reason, whereas anything you may posit, regardless of how reasonable, he may see as coming from a place of self-interest. This also offers you a safe space to voice to him your concerns over how this all is/may impact your relationship. He needs to understand that he needs to do something, because if he doesn't, he is risking his marriage.

Someone has to lay down the law and enforce consequences with SD. It may be your house, but she's his daughter, so he needs to be the one to do it. And the two of you need to be in the same page.

I hope you can find a solution to this, and I hope he is willing to do what takes. In the short term, it means that he will have an impetuous daughter very angry at him. But this is something that SD needs as much as you do. She needs a big kick in the butt and she needs to grow up.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## VickiG

Thank you again for your understanding and advice which is right on target. Since SD moved out I don’t have to daily deal with the disrespect and personal attack from her and aggravation of all that went with it. 
I pray with some time that my heart and attitude will soften and it won’t be such a sore that doesn’t heal. Should it continue too long, I will suggest therapy. My husband did spoil his daughter more so than the other children as he considered the damage done to her from an abusive ex and the divorce. The others were already out and on their own. But they have acknowledged he was spoiling her and she had “issues” and rather expected things would go wrong here.

I didn’t expect that she wouldn’t have sex with her boyfriends, but do it somewhere else or at least respect the rules and allow us to get to know this new guy like we had the previous one before you’re sneaking guys in the house at night. 

What hurts the most is that my H never dealt with things, there weren’t consequences and it was causing our marriage problems. Since he wouldn’t address the incident as he said he would, I was annoyed and could not sleep. I had to work 10 hrs the next day. I was tired of the lies and since it had happened a few days earlier was angry still. In the time it took me to get dressed, I was hoping my H would say he would check and have the guy leave if here. Since he allowed me to get in this awkward situation with her which led to her in my face and attacking me verbally, I am hurt and bothered that this happened all the more.

As of yesterday my mom is also gone now to my sibling’s and we can experience some actual newlywed time. All marriages have certain challenges and adjustments and the dynamics of others I felt was bound for disaster. I raised teenagers many years ago and am in grandparent stage and wasn’t expecting such disrespect and disregard. She’s an adult and part of the household and I expected one who would contribute in the wellbeing of it, respect her dads wishes and not intentionally cause problems. So yes I am annoyed, aggravated, hurt and feel blindsided and disrespected and hope we can get back to the love that brought us together. I want my husband and I to have the happy fun filled second half of life we started together. I guess there’s always bumps in the road!


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## chillymorn69

Shes young and had a difficult up btinging thats why she was disrespectfull!

Divorce can wreek havoc on teenagers!

Both parents feel guilty for the divorce and compensate by trying to take it easy on them instead of being parents .

Its common. I think that the kids usually figure it out down the road and can turn out just fine.


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## Satya

VickiG said:


> I expect him to take responsibility for the situation and give us the best opportunity for a successful marriage.


^^^ *THIS *is what you need to say, word for word, and directly to his face.

He allows his daughter to walk all over him, probably because he's starving for her love and she knows she can use it as a bargaining chip.
I've seen this a lot. It's very sad to watch.

You need to be prepared to walk away and not be afraid to tell him this.


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## VickiG

One last question and I apologize in advance for sounding ridiculous but I’m not sure what to do with these unresolved feelings. 

I’ve never experienced such disrespect and disregard and contempt. I’ve never been talked to so rudely and with such hatred.

The fact that there was never any consequence which led to my frustration and confronting them and with all the months prior, I’m not sure what to expect from my husband or how to let this go.

I suppose he’d say he did ask her to leave at the time (3 days prior to moving out) and she is no longer in our home.

He repeatedly has told his kids they should forgive their mom who has disowned the 4 oldest and has the youngest son age 17 living with her who doesn’t have communication with any of the other siblings. Apparently she was a good mom at one time but started drinking, becoming abusive, abusing some meds and then using money to apologize for bad behavior with the kids. She cheated on my husband a few times until they finally had a fight and she kicked him out. Lots of information and a sad situation as the SD seems to have tendencies like her mom that was directed toward me at which point she’s an adult. Months before we got married he paid for her security deposit and bought furniture for her to move in with her boyfriend and go to a community college. He would pay for her portion of the rent and college. College lasted one day. She got a job, the relationship fell apart and she came back to live with dad very depressed and didn’t work for months. 

I guess it’s not what I’m use to and maybe I’m bothered that I feel it’s just all acceptable and he can continue to support her and have a loving relationship like nothing ever happened. 

I don’t know what I expect. I will always love my kids too but I would not have permitted that. I talked to my mom if there was a concern and things changed. When my dad was dying and my brother freaked out, I talked to him and he apologized to my husband. I guess my husband can’t make her do that so on they go.

Venting, trying to deal with this. Perhaps if my negative feelings continue I should get counseling!


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## frusdil

Satya said:


> ^^^ *THIS *is what you need to say, word for word, and directly to his face.
> 
> He allows his daughter to walk all over him, probably because he's starving for her love and she knows she can use it as a bargaining chip.
> I've seen this a lot. It's very sad to watch.
> 
> You need to be prepared to walk away and not be afraid to tell him this.


^^This.

My stepdaughter is 13, and has Aspergers. We have her full time as her mother couldn't cope with her. Since she turned 13 she is truly horrid. Omg...the disrespect - not to me, she wouldn't dare, no way would I tolerate it, but her father...the way she treats him is nothing short of disgusting.

And you know what? It's HIS fault. He parented out of guilt following his divorce, and let her walk all over him. Now that she's a teen she's taken it to a whole new level manipulates him like a boss. He never sees it until I point it out to him. I had to drop the issue, he won't enforce consequences with her so there's nothing I can do.


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## zookeeper

In a war between his daughter and his new wife, smart money says you lose.

To be honest, it sounds a bit like you are threatened by the place she holds in your husband's life. Are you sure that part of this problem isn't related to a need to have your husband show his daughter that you outrank her?

Seems pretty obvious he doesn't care all that much if she rides a different moustache every night, as evidenced by the lack of any enforcement of these "rules". Did these rules exist before you came into the picture?

If your gripes are legitimate, focus on that. Their relationship is not your concern, your own boundaries are. 

Moving your mother in somewhat undercuts your authority to demand that she leave. I see your attempt to rationalize the difference between your mom and his daughter, but I doubt that is going to hold much water for your husband. 

Bottom line is if he is not willing to kick her out you are stuck with her. Then the decision is completely yours to make. Stay and tolerate the situation or leave. 

Just curious. Why did you buy such a big house? Did you have no idea she would be living with you?


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## username77

VickiG said:


> I’m recently remarried to the man of my dreams until I had to also live with his 20 year old daughter. We had gotten along fine until this time during the year and a half we dated. She lived on and off with her dad for 3 years after her mom kicked her out. He’d told me all along he had 3 rules, clean up after yourself (how hard can that be when you have a maid), cat stays in the basement because he’s allergic, and no guys in the bedroom or overnight. All rules were broken but he insisted she would have to abide once we all lived together. So for 5 months it was one incident after another. He would talk to her about it and she would resent me more especially because dad would less often just throw her a few hundred dollars.
> 
> He already paid her insurances, phone bill and lived here for free. I began losing respect for both of them. There were never any consequences so it continued and started causing problems amongst all of us.


I have a 16 going on 17 year old son like this. He's impossible. She will destroy your marriage, and she won't change as long as her father keeps giving her **** and paying for her **** while she obeys no rules.

I hold firm to my rules, and currently my son hates my guts and he's on a PINS diversion. I'm also throwing him out of the house when he graduates High School. He'll have to make his own way.



zookeeper said:


> Bottom line is if he is not willing to kick her out you are stuck with her. Then the decision is completely yours to make. Stay and tolerate the situation or leave.


This is basically the only solution to your problem. She won't change, he won't change or toss her out. So it's deal with it, or pack your bags. I already told my wife if she balks at throwing my son out at 18 and after H.S. I'm leaving. It's one thing to live with a child who is impossible, lazy, and won't obey even the simplest rules. No way I'm doing it with a grown 18-19-20 year old man. Telling me how things are going to be in my house. No chance.


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## concernstep

Getting help is the best thing for all.


Unfortunately to late. We divorced two years ago and I am trying to heal and move on. Everyone was at fault, now I am the one who hurts so much still. I can't move on. If only I had better words and would have made my boys respect him. My boys have moved on and don't care about anyone but themselves, I love them but I wasn't a good role model in letting them go and learn. I miss his girls so much. I tried to talk to my ex but it just came out wrong. Tried to get him to see counsling but he was not listening to understand the boys. Kills me that our love died cause of children. Now I am going no contact by him. Just a mom/step mom who lost everything. All I can do is keep talking to boys about good communication in a marriage, and no one is perfect. Since their dad left them they don't want or need a dad in there life. which is so wrong.

I am looking for help for myself.

Good luck and patience and a lot of talking w understand how each feels.


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread


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