# Our Life is Spinning Out of Control



## Harmony1962

This is a second marriage for both my husband and I. I was single for 10 years before we married. I am childless by choice. He has two children (ages 10 & 16) who do not live with him.
My husband is the sweetest, most loving, sexiest, most intelligent person I've ever known and I guess that's why I chose to overlook the fact that he has children. Before I met him one of my "rules" was that I did not date men with young, dependent children. I just didn't want that sort of "inconvenience" in my life. I don't mean to sound offensive and don't want you to think I am disrespectful. On the contrary, I totally admire and am in awe of people who are good parents. It just isn't for me.

My husband suffers from what I term the Guilty Divorced Father Syndrome. Because of this he indulges his children's every whim, does not discipline them, and does not enforce even the most basic rules. Whatever his kids want, whenever they want it, however they want it...that's the way it is. I know he loves and misses his children but he does them no favors by doing this. When I came into the picture I asked for these basic things: that eating and drinking be done only in the kitchen, bedtime is 10pm, if you make a mess, clean it up. This goes for the adults in the household as well as the children. This, of course, did not go over well with his children. They resent me like hell. I am the bully on the playground in their eyes.

When we first married I asked that the four of us have regular family meetings, nothing "heavy," just an opportunity to sit down together and talk for a couple of minutes as a way to get to know each other better and start to bond as a family. Well...my husband avoids that like the plague. The four of us never got the chance to bond as my MIL was at our house every time the children were. If they visited for a weekend, she was there. If they visited for a week, she was there. Hell, if they had moved in with us I think she would have too! To make matters worse the MIL would not check with us first to make sure it was okay that she visited. She would just arrive, stay as long as she wanted and leave when she got ready. After about 5 months of this I expressed my concern to my husband but he was (and still is) very reluctant to talk with her about the situation. She moved out of state back in the Spring and I thought this would solve the problem. Not so....we got a voice mail message from her yesterday saying that she will arrive 12/27 and will be staying 8 days! No consultation with us as to whether we had plans of our own, whether it was okay with us that she visit...just an announcement of what she was going to do. The children are visiting us that week as well. They are visiting her in MO this week so it's not like coming to our house is the only chance she'll have to see them for the holidays. I lost it when I heard her message. I told my husband that he is just going to have to face his mother and let her know that it is inconvenient for us that she visit for 8 days. 3 days....I can live with that. 

This is just the tip of the iceburg. My husband's ex is a total screw-up as a parent and also won't discipline her children and has to consult my husband about every breath she takes. I honestly think my husband still has some sort of emotional attachment to her. Their 16 year old daughter started abusing drugs and alcohol at the end of this summer and is probably having sex with her boyfriend who also abuses drugs and alcohol. Her parents have had their heads in the sand about it until a month ago when she had a very bad reaction to drugs she took. She declares she has no idea what the drugs were or who the person was that gave them to her. The parents' reaction was to schedule an appointment for the kid with a counselor, which I think is a great thing. Problem is that's all they did. She still dates the boy who most likely introduced her to drugs and alcohol. She even asked if he could visit our home for a couple of days during the holiday. I put my foot down there. No, no and hell no. Throw in the fact that we moved from our hometown, our friends and my family, and that I had to quit my job of 20 years for the sake of his children. I am so angry and resentful about this I don't know what to do. 

God help me...I could go on and on and on and on and on but I realize this is getting too long. I am so angry and resentful about what our life together has become. Angry with my husband because he seems to bury his head in the sand about everything. Angry with myself that I didn't have the foresight to realize what a mistake I was making. I am at the point that I just want to throw in the towel, get a divorce and leave this situation. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for any of us if my husband and I stay married. Leaving him will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I love him so much. But I'm starting to hate him as well and this scares me to death. I don't know what to do.


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## MsLonely

The whole family issue is overwhelming to you. 

I'd support you to get divorced and get out of all this trouble of his family & unhappiness.

Your husband can only be a nice lover, but he isn't a good husband.

You made a mistake, so now your life is suffering from the mistake, you can always correct it. Stay strong and be brave!

I wouldn't marry a man like that! I would run away! I don't know other way to find peace & happiness in your case.


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## greeneyeddolphin

This is going to sound harsh, but I can't think of any way to say this where it sounds nice.

If you don't want kids, then you should not have married a man who has them. When you marry a single parent, by default, you then have children. You are resentful of this whole situation because you are feeling forced to do what you never wanted to do: be a parent. The thing is, though, you're not being forced; you chose to enter this marriage, knowing he had children. That was your mistake. 

His mistake is in how he is raising (or not raising) his children. The situation with his mother...well, I'm not sure how to address that one. I'm close with my family, we see each other often. They also know their boundaries, so they don't overstay their welcome. 

Truthfully, no matter how much you love him, I think you're better off getting divorced. You don't want to be a parent, but you have to be if you marry someone with kids.


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## Advocado

You appear to blame yourself for getting into this situation with a man with kids but given that you were prepared to really make a go of it I wouldn't beat myself up too much - you seemed prepared to try and get to know your step-children but your husband has thwarted your attempts which must be very frustrating for you. You didn't say why did he not want you all to spend time getting to know one another?

So, where do you go from here? Before you throw in the towel, here are a few thoughts/suggestions on your situation.

Can your Husband spend time with the children and/or mother in law outside of your marital home - i.e. he go stay with his parents, his exes parents, a hotel even.

Can H spent time with the children and MIL at your marital home without you there - e.g. if they are coming for 8 days you go spend time with a friend or relative for half of that time say. 

Of course you cannot avoid your step-children altogether but who says that every time your husband is with them you have to be there too. You might even find you grow to bond with them more if you don't see them as often and generally feel more positive towards them if you know it is only going to be for a limited time afterwhich you get to have some alone time or time with friends/family - absence makes the heart grow fonder sort of thing!

You say it would be the hardest thing for YOU to have to separate but how does your husband feel about this. Is he aware that you are considering divorce and is he resigned to this or is he prepared to try and WORK towards avoiding this and finding some kind of compromise before the anger and resentment become too much. Will he seek counselling with you for example?

Also is your husband happy with the way he parents or would he like to change but just doesn't know how to. He might not take advice from you specifically but would he consider a parenting group or advice from a professional on how to parent differently. From your description of the children's behaviour and attitude I'll be he's really stressed out. Being the intelligent man you say he is, I hope he will come to realise that in the long term he is doing his children no favours by allowing them to rule the roost. I would have thought the daughter's bad reaction to the drugs should have been a wake-up call for him - might not be so lucky next time. Also this "acting up" on the daughter's part might be her strange way of "asking" her parents to set and impose some firm boundaries for her. 

At the very least I think he needs some assertiveness training which should help him deal with the intrusive MIL in a firm but non-confrontional manner.

As to MIL, is there any possibility you can get her on side as far as disciplining the children is concerned or is she just like your husband in letting them get away with any and everything. Was she like this with your husband when he was a boy I wonder?

I am curious - when the kids leave stuff on the floor etc. who picks up after them - you, your husband or your MIL. Good for you as to putting your foot down as far as the boyfriend spending time at your home was concerned. 

A final thought which will sound contradictory bearing in mind what I have said above, but since you have not been allowed the opportunity of bonding with the children yet, how would it be to actually spend a day or half a day with the children by yourself - you might just find they act differently/better without their father and the MIL in the mix. Is there some bonding activity you can do with both children or with each separately without your husband and/or MIL being there. What have you got to loose?


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## Freak On a Leash

Harmony1962 said:


> Before I met him one of my "rules" was that I did not date men with young, dependent children.


You broke your own rule. Big mistake but you probably already know that. I'd have the same rule and I'd extend it to dependent elderly parents as well. I'll only marry a childless orphan. 

Your situation pretty much sucks. Obviously your husband isn't taking your concerns seriously and just doesn't want to face reality. Divorce at this point might be harsh but I'd consider separation. Leave for awhile and let him figure out where his priorities lie. If your his relationship with you is a priority, he'll take the necessary changes to fix things with you.


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## montanagal1968

I know exactly what you are going through! It is very much, and I love the way you put it: Guilty Divorced Father Syndrome. I am going through the same thing...I feel as though I was lied to, but who can you blame? 
I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to take back my life. I have applied for several jobs that will require me to relocate to another town, not too far away, but at least I can have some time and space and regain some of my sanity. I explained to my husband that from a financial end of things it will be for the best ( I left a job and my own home to move to another town to live in a home that shadows his ex wife in every room!) Don't get me wrong, I love him so very much and my heart breaks, but where do you draw the line? I am sick inside, but for myself I have to go away, hope that he will see that I was and am the one for him and that there is no substitute. What gets me is that we as women give up so much, we shed pieces of ourselves and then we have to be the ones starting all over.

to shed some light on my situation: he has 4 kids 17, 20, 22 (now with a baby of her own), and a 24 year old. the 17 and 24 year old live here.
my husband does not share with me any financial info....he has an account (both ex wives names are on this account, but not mine!?! kinda makes you wonder.
the 24 year old is the woman of the house...he walks right past me to find out what she is cooking for dinner. (I used to cook, but he claims I made him gain too much weight, so all I do is pretty much clean) in other words, skip and fetch for his children as they have no clue as to what cleaning really is. 
I too get the constant ex wives calling and emailing him! I cant go on, I just get more and more infuriated the more I think about this....What a fool I have been!


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## SteppingStones

I can certainly understand the stress you are going through. I married into a stepson who is now 8. And even though I love my husband and my SS dearly (I didn't have the no kids rule and very much now want to have more) it can and DOES get very stressful for me just dealing with my husband's ex-girlfriend, with whom my stepson lives.

I used to try so hard to be a good parent - not that I don't still try. But I disciplined, I set rules that he didn't have before, and I would get so uptight when his mother did things that would keep us from getting him when we were supposed to, and I felt very much at one point like there was a me and my husband scenario and then there was a HER and my husband scenario as far as communication went. 

But we talk - my H and I - a lot about stuff when I get to feeling like that. Especially in the beginning. Now I still get upset with HER and what she does sometimes. But we communicate stuff back and forth better, I feel in the loop, I don't do as much discipline (I broke down and told him I just can't be the one to do it anymore b/c it makes my relationship with my SS hard -- we as step parents have to earn their love/respect more than biological parents have to and as much discipline and rule making as I was doing, I felt I was only hurting that effort). 

I just made the decision to stop getting bent out of shape about stuff. You have to realize, he's been doing this stuff (raising his kids, dealing with his mom, etc.) the same way for a very long time before you came around. So has your MIL. So has his ex. It's going to take some time and effort on both of your parts to change that which needs to be changed, and for EVERYONE to adapt to YOU being in the picture. 

Here's my advice:
1) Go slow. Find the most important thing to you that needs to be changed and work on it slowly. Take baby steps
2) if you feel like you are fighting against a brick wall, take a step back from the situation, put your hands up and let chips fall where they may. Then deal with the consequences. And use those opportunities to TALK *calmly and rationally* to your husband. Point out what happened and how it could have been avoided/changed - then try again the next time. 
3) TALK TALK TALK -- as much as I don't enjoy it most of the time, I have to talk to my Stepson's mom. I probably talk to her more than my husband does - but in our situation that works for us. It might not work for you - but do talk to your husband. Not after a day or a week of fuming and letting it build resentment even more, but that day, that MOMENT when something irks you. (I'm still working on not bottling up stuff myself so I know this one is hard.) Talk to your MIL -- and remember, this is all changing for her too. 
4) Don't discuss things regarding the kids' mom or your marriage or them personally in front of the kids EVER -- I am of firm belief that kids hear everything and they can and will hold things you say against you
5) Don't let it take control of you. It being anything that you find unacceptable. Change what you can and have the grace to accept what you cannot. 


Divorce never makes anything easier. You are witnessing the consequences of your husband's previous divorces. It is unfortunate, but we all make mistakes. And as husband and wife - you need to learn to love each other THROUGH your mistakes. 


Good luck


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