# My husband would rather pleasure himself



## Souxie (Jul 26, 2012)

I have been married for 9 years, with my husband 11 years. After my husband and I became engaged, he shared with me that he likes BDSM-type behavior (nothing way out there, just some tying up, stuff like that and light stuff--not even as risque as 50 Shades). It is not my thing, but I decided to be a good partner and give it a go, figuring we could do some of what he likes and some of what I like, taking turns and such. It worked for a while. Then, we decided to try to have a baby...it wasn't easy, and we were never successful. However, our love life took a hit, and I stopped being pushy about what I like when it was ovulation time. It was rather mechanical sometimes, because we knew we had to get it done. Then, he got one of those leather hoods. I allowed it on occasion, because he liked it so much. He says it helps him relax because it blocks out sights and sounds around him (No distractions). But then, he started wanting to wear it more and more.

Now, almost nightly, his preference is to put on the hood and lock himself in the closet and leave me a key. He takes care of is own needs and will be in there for hours (just because I bring him the key doesn't mean he's coming right out). I'm lonely and frustrated. I haven't been kissed (REALLY kissed) in a few years at least. There is zero foreplay, and he NEVER initiates sex. He almost always wants to go sit in the closet with his hood on before sex, and we have sex only if I ask for it. There's no eye contact, no touching, nothing. I have found myself wanting to stray. I love him, so much...but I feel unwanted and undesired. It's not that there's no sex...but there's no intimacy in it. He's loving otherwise, but I'm finding myself short tempered and irritated with him because of this.

I have talked to him, on several occasions, as recently as last week. I tell him how I feel unloved and undesired. He knows how I feel...he knows my needs. They are just ignored. There is a man I used to work with that I've been talking to (on the phone and online). It was just friendly at first, but then he started to get a little flirty with me. At first, I brushed him off, but later, I started playing along and getting pretty flirty back. It has progressed and the conversations get quite sexual. It feels so good to feel wanted, even if it's just in fantasy. This man lives a few counties away now, so I don't have to worry about running into him or anything, but he's not THAT far away...maybe an hours drive. I haven't seen him in person in 14 years. At first, I felt so awful for what I'm doing. Now however, I look forward to these conversations...I was feeling so dead, sexually...and this makes me feel alive again. Every night, he just wants to go sit in the closet. I have nothing to do for hours while he's in there every night...and it's been so lonely. When I ask him not to go in the closet and to spend time with me, he says, "We've been hanging out..." Yay, we spent an hour in the same room. He would rather masturbate than be intimate with me. I even asked him about it..he said he likes both "just fine." Wow. He has also told me he doesn't equate sex with love--and I try to be understanding about that. I know sex and love don't always go together, but I guess I always thought WHEN you loved someone, they worked together. He doesn't see it that way.

As a side, he also has pretty major social anxiety issues, too, which are getting worse with age...he's very uncomfortable in crowds and meeting new people. I know it's related to his issues with intimacy, too. He refuses counseling and I just feel stuck. Stuck and lonely.
My heart is broken and I'm just in tears. I don't know what to do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband needs some SERIOUS therapy. Sitting alone in a closet for hours with a leather hood on?? Are you sure he doesn't have a back door he sneaks out of and terrorizes the neighbourhood with a chain saw?!?! That is CREEPY.

And before you go ANY further with this guy you are cheating with (Yes, you ARE cheating) you need to leave your marriage. Make your choice. You are either married and faithful, or you are not married. NO ONE, even your super creepy husband, deserves to be cheated on.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

it's very sad how we are led down the path of more and more stimulation and we get less and less out of it. 

The path your husband has taken is a common one to a degree or another. 

The answer is for him to stop masturbating and stop looking at or reading porn (which he undoubtedly is). If he won't do that, it isn't likely that anything will really help.

The social anxiety goes along with his practices. It is worse and worse as he goes down this path. It's a negative feedback loop.

I'm really sorry. If you said you would leave him do you think he would agree to give up masturbation and porn at least for a few months? That might be enough to turn things around.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Because your husband is at fault for shutting down the intimacy does not give you permission to cheat. You need to stop talking to the OM and tell your husband you are thinking of leaving or straying. And, him locking himself in the closet for hours and giving you the key provides you with a perfect opportunity.

So your H does not equate sex and love, who cares? You equate sex and intimacy with love, so if your H loves you he will give you those things. If you equated his fishing and love, your H should jump at the opportunity to grab his rod (no pun intended). 

He is being selfish. You should allow him his fetish because he likes it. But, should not sacrifice your emotional, affectionate and sexual satisfaction whether he wants to lock himself in a closet or play video games or surf.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

OK, this time I have to agree with mattcook's anti-masturbation position, although your H's path is no way a common one. It's WAAAYYY out there.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> OK, this time I have to agree with mattcook's anti-masturbation position, although your H's path is no way a common one. It's WAAAYYY out there.


agreed...but escalation through desensitization is common to one degree or another. Some guys get into fetish porn and fantasy, more all the time. It does lead to extreme behaviors sometimes, sadly. And it's profoundly sad for everyone concerned as this doesn't bring anyone any real happiness.

Laying off porn and masturbation aren't something that counselors or therapists will usually talk about and they don't know about it. But it can work if the guy wants to save his marriage and get out of this pit he's dug for himself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Souxie said:


> I have been married for 9 years, with my husband 11 years. After my husband and I became engaged, he shared with me that he likes BDSM-type behavior (nothing way out there, just some tying up, stuff like that and light stuff--not even as risque as 50 Shades). It is not my thing, but I decided to be a good partner and give it a go, figuring we could do some of what he likes and some of what I like, taking turns and such. It worked for a while. Then, we decided to try to have a baby...it wasn't easy, and we were never successful. However, our love life took a hit, and I stopped being pushy about what I like when it was ovulation time. It was rather mechanical sometimes, because we knew we had to get it done. Then, he got one of those leather hoods. I allowed it on occasion, because he liked it so much. He says it helps him relax because it blocks out sights and sounds around him (No distractions). But then, he started wanting to wear it more and more.
> 
> Now, almost nightly, his preference is to put on the hood and lock himself in the closet and leave me a key. He takes care of is own needs and will be in there for hours (just because I bring him the key doesn't mean he's coming right out). I'm lonely and frustrated. I haven't been kissed (REALLY kissed) in a few years at least. There is zero foreplay, and he NEVER initiates sex. He almost always wants to go sit in the closet with his hood on before sex, and we have sex only if I ask for it. There's no eye contact, no touching, nothing. I have found myself wanting to stray. I love him, so much...but I feel unwanted and undesired. It's not that there's no sex...but there's no intimacy in it. He's loving otherwise, but I'm finding myself short tempered and irritated with him because of this.
> 
> ...


wow, well this is some serious stuff and if it were me I would say to myself do I / can I live the rest of my life like this. with someone who would rather sit in a freaking closet with a hood on rather than look at his wife while we make love.along with all the other issues. 

I think you know the answer. do yourself a solid and leave this man.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Did you ever up getting pregnant?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

The type of sexual fetish he has chosen, the way he likes to have sex and his anxious relations with others leads me to think he may suffering from a bad case of intimacy anxiety which can often shut a man down sexually altogether when he is involved in a close relationship like marriage. Men with this also tend to not have a lot of close friends and are very often "loners" Intimacy in both sexual and non sexual relationships make them uneasy.

Doesn't mean he doesn't like sex, he just doesn't like sex with too much intimacy involved. This kind of anxiety is very common in people who act out sexually as they seek sexual variety and partner variety so they can keep their sexual partners at arms length emotionally allowing them to enjoy sex without suffering the anxiety that sex in a close intimate relationship can cause.

Often this kind of anxiety is caused by various kinds of sexual and non sexual childhood abuse. It is common in adults who grew up in heavily dysfunctional families. The children of alcoholics and drug addicts almost always suffer from varying forms of intimacy anxiety. For these people closeness in a relationship is connected to fear and stress. Add attempting to conceive to the mix and the results fit the diagnosis. 

Tackle the roots of the anxiety with psychotherapy and you might be able to start having a closer relationship sexually. Untreated, many, men especially, will stop having marital sex altogether and instead seek out non intimate forms of sexual release exclusively the most common being porn and masturbation.


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