# What do men say when they are alone without their wives, hanging out with each other



## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

So I have three questions. What kind of conversations for you men have about specifically GIRLS when you are in a serious relationship or marriage early on (no kids, and still in your late 20s) when you are:
1. in the gym without your wives
2. drinking out with your buddies without your wives
3. drinking out with your buddies AND with your wives

When a bunch of you and your guy friends are hanging out (not in the afternoon but when you guys go out and drink and get drunk sometimes then come back lets say to a friends spot and it is more drinking afterparty scenario) do you talk about girls? if so in what manner is it appropriate and inappropriate if you have wives?? I know people will say men talk about lots of things it depends on the personality and friends but I want to know specifically IF you have talked about girls (actresses, girls you know in your life, girls you see in the bar, club etc.) in a sexual way and if so what kind of talk did you have? Please remember this is for married men or men in serious relationships. Can you please answer this before commenting on the below. Thanks.


In my specific case, my husband and I were in his friends cabin for the weekend with a couple of other people including wives and gfs of the other guys, some were single. One night I was sleeping in the room when they continued to drink with his friends after we came home at 2am. I went to sleep in the bedroom. I heard him say some things that I thought were very disrespectful and inappropriate to me and considering I could have heard him. Am I taking all this too bad? He apologized after I got angry the next day. Said he was being disrespectful and would stop this kind of talk. That i needed to be patient with him cause he has grown up talking like this with his friends and its a habit. He said he was drunk and being carefree and didnt think before he said things. Some of the things they say and talk I have told him before makes me feel like he is thuggish and i was not brought up that way. he went to a pretty good highschool but he says rap culture was big and it is popular banter amoung his peers to talk about women that way. He has friends from all over, chinese, polish, mexican, irish. anyway this is what he said:

1. is it ok for a husband to say, 'I'd fu.ck the sh.it out of so and so actress? shes so hot'

2. 'so and so actress is hot' then proceed to talk about why she is hot?

3. Say things like 'There is something about so and so actress that just makes me feel so, she just makes me wanna, i dont know man'.

4. *My other question is:* is it okay to talk about girls in the bar, club who are ****ty looking such as (smirking and commenting in a joke way with a friend about an older chick dressed ****ty (by old I mean older than 20s 30s, perhaps late 30s or early 40s and saying: 'check out that bit'ch, wow she really thinks she is hot stuff haha'. *Is this okay to do so if you wife is not present? what if your wive is present and she might hear you?*

6. *PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS: when you guys are at the gym and you are married and in a committed relationship do you if your wive thinks it is inappropriate, talk about girls in the gym when you are working out with your guy friends? *My husband says he is not the one starting the commenting, that his friends do it once in a while on girls who are hot and say comments like check out the hot cakes on her, etc. and he just smirks and laughs off or talks back sometimes too. He thinks this is normal and I am over reacting. That all guys talk about women when they are alone like this at the gym once in a while even if it is in a sexual way describing hot girls and smirking etc. 

I feel so annoyed at all this.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I'm not sure if you're only wanting men to answer since it's posted in general, but I guess there are a lot of factors that go into whether or not these types of conversations are "ok" or not. For me, personally, this would not bother me. I'd prefer if I was around that my husband tone it down, but I've never seen much of a problem when I have been out with him and his male friends. For certain reasons, I have been out more times with him and his guy friends without their wives than with. They definitely are a lot more crass, and makes me wonder what THEIR wives would think of it. Overall, I just think it's a guy thing. But it's totally ok if you aren't ok with it! Like for me, I would be fairly upset if they were talking about an actual chick they work with and my husband said "I'd like to f*** her" that would make me really upset. Talking about why actresses or models or whatever are hot that's whatever. Guy talk. I've become more relaxed about things like that now that I'm older (late 20s), I was probably more sensitive about that when we were young early on. I am confident in my body and looks, and foul language is oftentimes apart of my vocabulary as well. Again, it's ok if this bothers you. You are allowed to want your own boundaries in your relationship. I just personally find this is how some (not all) men talk and relate to each other. I'm fine with it, as long as they aren't actually having sex with anyone.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Wasn't this all discussed in OP's other thread, "Tired of accepting men's stereotypes!"


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Why get your knickers in a twist about any comment made about a "hot actress" by a drunken spouse?

I do not get angry when my wife / female friends watch / comment on the guy in the diet coke add.

Grow up.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I say nothing in front of them that I would not say in front of her. Typical male banter is something I have never partaken in.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Are you asking if it is okay for guys or if it is okay for YOU?

Because we already got the answer to that last.

So you are either here to seek validation (Yes, it's WRONG) or to provoke a fight.

Some guys DO talk like that about women. Some are more sedate. Some guy was saying some VERY ROUGH things to me the other day when there were women not 10 feet away and I'm like "REALLY?"

If your threshold is 'men should never comment about someone attractive who isn't your spouse' well...you are allowed to believe what you want to believe and even maintain that standard in your relationship.

However, as I said on another thread on a similar topic:

If you raise the price of honesty too high, all you will get are lies.

Women want an 'honest' conversation with a man...but when a man is...you know...a MAN, suddenly he's leapt on with both feet by SOME women.

Almost everyone vents their frustrations with someone close to them. It's good for them psychologically. And if hubby/BF whatever can't openly express his sexuality to you...well...he will express it to someone else.

My wife isn't threatened that I am attracted to other women. If I go too far, she yanks my leash and I heel.

That works for us.

Good luck with this thread.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

The shocking truth about mens' conversations is that they are not that much different to womens' conversations. If you marriage is in trouble, that will have probably been discussed - I suspect men are slightly more likely to tell another man where he is going wrong than just consoling him.

Typical conversation based on the model of,
"how is it going with xxxx"
- OK (means OK)
or 
-.........OK (means not OK)
What is the issue?
-Well, xxxxxx
She is out of order in that, but I can imagine you are tough to live with at times and she has a point.
or
No, that is completely unreasonable and I don't want to you ruin your life over it.
or
Try listening to what she is saying and get over yourself.
======================================
There will be the occasional dodgy joke, but not that many generally.

Much of it will be banal outpourings of whatever is on the mind and on each others' minds.

Men will occasionally talk about attractive women. Women talk about attractive men too. The way they talk about them depends on who is talking to whom. Insecure men will be more vulgar, more experienced men more frank with close friends.

Younger more insecure lads tend to smirk, more experienced men tend to accept most things in life. Smirking is just a form of passing judgements and both sexes often indulge. Men might smirk, women might become righteous.

PS: You will often hear men quietly talk about women making a move on them, them being tempted, but getting away from the situation.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP, I think , based on what you're saying that your husband was indeed a bit disrespectful to you.

There is no need really for that type of " schoolboy " talk from your husband , especially when you are in close proximity.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Men are not women. We can "hang out" without talking at all. We can also go to the restroom without an escort. We can buy a pair of jeans without a second opinion. We can experience life without calling a buddy and validating all of our day's experiences. 
If we do talk, it's most often for a reason, "toss me a beer", "hand me that wrench." "Turn here". "It's your bet". We rarely talk about our wives and we sure don't sit around speculating about what our wives might be saying or thinking when we aren't around.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> I say nothing in front of them that I would not say in front of her. Typical male banter is something I have never partaken in.


Absolutely same here.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I remember a conversation with my buddies while hanging out having brews. It went like this;

Buddy 1:
"When we @#uk our wives, problem is they wanna cuddle afterwards!"

buddy 2:
"yah, so my buddy said the solution to that problem is to do your wife and then bring in a gay guy so they can cuddle!"

I didn't say anything because I like to cuddle afterwards.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I remember a conversation with my buddies while hanging out having brews. It went like this;
> 
> Buddy 1:
> "When we @#uk our wives, problem is they wanna cuddle afterwards!"
> ...


Your buddies are a bit weird. You did not join in because you are a normal well balanced man rather than a normal adolescent boy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> *I say nothing in front of them that I would not say in front of her. Typical male banter is something I have never partaken in*.





> *Samyeagar said:* *Absolutely same here*.


Just like my husband again... Honestly I think my Banter is dirtier than my own husband's...

1st I want to say, my H doesn't hang out with drinking buddies or go to the gym.. the only atmosphere he is around dirty men who get carried away is the guys he works with ... was just talking to him about this, told him what you overheard your husband say in those wee hrs of the night half drunk..... 

He says ..."Yeah...that's how men are...they talk like THAT" ....give or take some of the F*** words & playing it up adding euphoria feelings but yeah.. they DO this.. 

He'll sit around that... and let them go on.. if they get really vulgar he might even walk away... but sometimes he gets stuck in the truck with them.... he won't say anything...he's had them ask...."Would you TAP THAT?".... and he'll say......"shes good lookin' but no I wouldn't".. 

My H is very honorable... honestly knowing him the way I do, I can't see him getting carried away here..he'd be more inclined to spill something about me in the midst of that, to bring it back to his wife..he has been a little too open with the boys and got me a reputation at his work place!


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I really dislike when people use this board to look for "ammo" against their spouse.

Some men talk like that, some men don't. What do you want, exactly? If you come to him and say "Actually, 60% of all men surveyed on an internet message board say they don't talk like that" is that going to change his behavior? You can express to him why it makes YOU feel uncomfortable, and you can ask that, at a minimum, he respect your feelings and not do it in front of YOU or when you might be able to hear. You can't really expect to control how he talks to his friends out of your earshot. Or, you can accept that maybe he doesn't really mean anything by it (after all, if he's just talking about some actress, it's all a joke, he's never actually going to have any opportunity with that actress). It's your choice. But you can't "prove" that he's "wrong" or "right" by asking people on a message board.


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

I understand everyone here who is saying women do this too, grow up, or message board validation wont do anything but I look for answers to see if I am overreacting. Im not experienced in relationships enough to really judge his actions and see if they are too crossing the line for me to leave him or not. we are already seeing a counselor and we are improving everyday. this is my first relationship. i just wanted to seek some suggestions and see what opinions are out there because I am confused. 

I do think saying i'd fu.ck the shi-t out of her is going overboard but the rest I can handle i guess. commenting on girls when i am present is st else i will not handle and i made it clear to him this time. although he knows i am not ok with it and he did it two times already. i dont understand why men are like this. why they need to talk crass. how do you think it feels when someone you love wispers to a friend 'that bit'ch thinks she is hot stuff' to a friend when you are right next to him. AM I OVERREACTING???

PERSONALLY, I don't know any women in my life who talk as vulgar or crass as men. a lot of my husbands friends talk like rappers (calling *****es, hoes). many of them come from priviledged backgrounds and are educated. its all very wierd to me. we are all in our late 20s, early 30s now people. its like do you really want your kids to hear and learn that language. i dont know. it's very selective too though. they DONT talk like that with employers, our parents or when they need to act proper. But i think it is offensive to women to talk like that ever!


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

I would never show any of your answers to my spouse btw. he would go bizerk and we would have a big fight.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It would be a strict violation of the international man code to answer this question.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wiltshireman said:


> Why get your knickers in a twist about any comment made about a "hot actress" by a drunken spouse?
> 
> I do not get angry when my wife / female friends watch / comment on the guy in the diet coke add.
> 
> Grow up.


Or how the guy in 50 shades of grey is a sex god?... Women have their thing we have ours


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Is it derogatory for a man to talk about a woman that way? sure is but an actress or someone else who is famous that he would never come in contact with well derogatory but harmless.
Now let a married man talk about a your sister, relative or neighbor in that way and I think it takes on a different spin, mainly because those women are accessible and the temptation to pursue them becomes a factor.
Is most of that kind of talk hot air I think so, but I know I wouldn't want my wife or my kids to ever hear me talk about someone else like that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Is it derogatory for a man to talk about a woman that way? sure is but an actress or someone else who is famous that he would never come in contact with well derogatory but harmless.
> Now let a married man talk about a your sister, relative or neighbor in that way and I think it takes on a different spin, mainly because those women are accessible and the temptation to pursue them becomes a factor.
> Is most of that kind of talk hot air I think so, but *I know I wouldn't want my wife or my kids to ever hear me talk about someone else like that*.


Neither do I, which is why I don't.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

It's a complicated question, OP. 

While my DH doesn't talk about women (famous or nearby) in that manner, he does get "crass" when with his boys. More cussing. More dirty jokes. More off-color humor and what not. However, ALL of his friends are honorable men, who place a high value in respecting ALL woman. So there is NEVER any "would you tap that?" and my husband is late 20s. 

In fact, his friends think I'm the "cool wife" because I'm OK with him spending time with them, drinking some beers, making a ruckus. His friends go out of their way to tell me how much they appreciate me, and in return, I like to spoil his friends with food.  

DH has commented before on a woman's physique in front of me, and TBH, I am OK with it. He does so in a respectful manner. In most ways, *I* am more disrespectful in that regard. When I see a man, that pleases my eyes, I verbalize it. "Wow! He is gorgeous. I'm breathless." How do you think that makes my husband feel? Inadequate? Insecure? Not once has he corrected me for it. Told me it was disrespectful to him. Instead, he likes to make fun of the situation, and point out which characters I might find the most pleasing to the eye. 

I talk about sex with my best friend. We talk about things we've tried, things we want to improve, etc. WE GET CRASS. BUT it's always revolving around my DH and whoever the flavor of the week is for her. I'm sure if DH heard me, he would blush! There HAVE been times we've done it in front of him, and he was uncomfortable (b/c hearing me talk about sex turned him on). 

Anyways, I'm rambling. It's very personal and up to the couple to decide what is acceptable and what is not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you don't want to hear a little caveman talk, put on some headphones if men get together in a cabin and start drinking. An intelligent male would never have let his guard completely down if his wife was still in the same state. Was it disrespectful? Sure. Is it impolite to belch, fart, and scratch one's testicles? Yep. There probably was some of that, too. So, you didn't marry Richard Simmons. Did you honestly want to?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> I remember a conversation with my buddies while hanging out having brews. It went like this;
> 
> Buddy 1:
> "When we @#uk our wives, problem is they wanna cuddle afterwards!"
> ...


I find that "buddy" convo hilarious!!!!! :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Hicks said:


> It would be a strict violation of the international man code to answer this question.


Good answer :rofl::rofl:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

kacy said:


> I understand everyone here who is saying women do this too, grow up, or message board validation wont do anything but I look for answers to see if I am overreacting. Im not experienced in relationships enough to really judge his actions and see if they are too crossing the line for me to leave him or not. we are already seeing a counselor and we are improving everyday. this is my first relationship. i just wanted to seek some suggestions and see what opinions are out there because I am confused.
> 
> I do think saying i'd fu.ck the shi-t out of her is going overboard but the rest I can handle i guess. commenting on girls when i am present is st else i will not handle and i made it clear to him this time. although he knows i am not ok with it and he did it two times already. i dont understand why men are like this. why they need to talk crass. how do you think it feels when someone you love wispers to a friend 'that bit'ch thinks she is hot stuff' to a friend when you are right next to him. AM I OVERREACTING???
> 
> PERSONALLY, I don't know any women in my life who talk as vulgar or crass as men. a lot of my husbands friends talk like rappers (calling *****es, hoes). many of them come from priviledged backgrounds and are educated. its all very wierd to me. we are all in our late 20s, early 30s now people. its like do you really want your kids to hear and learn that language. i dont know. it's very selective too though. they DONT talk like that with employers, our parents or when they need to act proper. But i think it is offensive to women to talk like that ever!


How did he behave with his friends while you were dating? Has all of the stuff you're asking about only started since you were married or were you hoping that the ring would change it all? Because frankly, I wouldn't have another date with a guy that seriously referred to women as b!tches or ho's. Is this some sudden change in him?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He's immature and drunk. Get over it.

You can't tell me on "girls night out" where the gals have thrown back a couple of glasses of wine, someone doesn't make a comment about a hot guy at the bar. No different.

He was stupid to make those comments within earshot of you. Stupid is VERY different from inconsiderate cheating louse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*MysticSoul*, you & husband and me & husband sound a lot like....our personal friends are pretty honorable.....though mine really doesn't swear unless he is fuming mad







or working on a vehicle & runs into problems...that could bring on an onslaught of cussing at times...

...and I wouldn't be as verbal when I see "the gorgeous"...though I DO look...he has even pointed them out to me... we both know what each fancies







wise.... he has made fun of my tastes....a grungy rock star look...could even be scraggly....I'm a bit odd !.. he also knows the lifestyle would make me want to throw those men over a cliff...so what is there to worry about.. plus I could be their Mother! 



jorgegene said:


> *I didn't say anything because I like to cuddle afterwards*.


 Yes, us women revel in the "afterglow"...gotta catch some of that before he falls asleep! :sleeping: I am sure your wife loves this about you !



> *COGypsy said* : *How did he behave with his friends while you were dating? Has all of the stuff you're asking about only started since you were married or were you hoping that the ring would change it all? Because frankly, I wouldn't have another date with a guy that seriously referred to women as b!tches or ho's. Is this some sudden change in him?*


 I was thinking the same thing..

I feel if a man is *like this* while dating..letting the mouth rip on how he wants to F*** this one & that one...not all of them need a drink to go there...enter "fowl mouthed" Rover, ...it's part of his over all FUN when he gets with "the boys"... shaming them rarely works...they will just be more diligent to hide it in the future....if they hang with other men LIKE THIS... it's a no brainer...the talk will continue.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

OK I'm a woman here and I truly believe MEN and WOMEN talk 

Maturity levels may differ… but guys night out and girls night out do not.


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

To SimplyAmourous: So if I understand correctly are you saying that married men who say I would fuc.k her (actresses) and reference girls when going out in clubs is inevitable and you are okay with? I just wanted to know your view on if you would be okay with it or not.

To answer your questions, him and I were dating (part of it was long distance) for only 6 months before we decided to live together, which was for another 6 months until we got married. It has been a year now since our wedding. So I really haven’t noticed the male banters and women cusses (I mean I didn’t hang out with his friends that much to see them use language like this). And he doesn’t do it in front of me. I did notice that he was looking at instagram pictures of a rapper who posted pictures of nakedish girls and I thought that was a little pervy. But it was st small so I let it go. He also stopped following that guy after a long debate and we still argue on that. I'm sure he still looks at girls on instagram that other rappers post if they post it in their page once in a while but we made a policy to not like or follow people who speficially post only naked girls. 

After getting married we had a fight over him referencing that there were a lot of ****s in a joke manner to his friend one night we went out. After that there really wasn't anything for months on end, then another incident happened and now this one. So they are few and far in between. I was shocked at how he said he wanted to fu’ck the actresses though. I frankly haven’t ever heard of any of my guy friends talking like that, prob cause im a girl but I for a married man even if it was only among guys I think it is really disrespectful. My husband agrees with me though because I told him if the situation was reversed how would he feel. He saw how disrespectful it was and said he would try to change for me. He seems genuine. I don’t know. I think I married a person who is not entirely the ideal type man I wanted but I cannot leave him for silly reasons like this, I have to give it time. 

I do sometimes wish he was less macho, more sensitive and didn't disrespect me so much, or hung out with his friends in a less hooliganish manner but he is slowly maturing up too I think. I do love him. Anyways, thanks for all your responses.


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## magenta (Feb 20, 2014)

kacy said:


> and said he would *try *to change for me. He seems genuine. I don’t know. *I think I married a person who is not entirely the ideal type man I wanted* but I cannot leave him for silly reasons like this, I have to give it time.
> 
> I do sometimes wish he was less macho, more sensitive and didn't disrespect me so much, or hung out with his friends in a less hooliganish manner but he is slowly maturing up too I think. I do love him. Anyways, thanks for all your responses.


And what if he never matures into who you want him to be? Is this something you can live with for the rest of your life? Can you accept it and be ok with it, or will it continue to bother you?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If you don't want to hear a little caveman talk, put on some headphones if men get together in a cabin and start drinking. An intelligent male would never have let his guard completely down if his wife was still in the same state. Was it disrespectful? Sure. Is it impolite to belch, fart, and scratch one's testicles? Yep. There probably was some of that, too. So, you didn't marry Richard Simmons. Did you honestly want to?


:iagree:

Had to Google "Richard Simmons" and after 15 seconds of a youtube video I wished I hadn’t.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

Kacy, I think you are making a big deal out of nothing.Men ,do talk like this, especially when young(20s-30s).I use to,too.with time ,it stops but even know, if i blend with younger friends it happens.
BTW kids will learn that language from school and tv.
Also I feel like you are too controlling when you say/ask:

<<when you guys are at the gym and you are married and in a committed relationship do you if your wive thinks it is inappropriate, talk about girls in the gym when you are working out with your guy friends?>>


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with a little "man" talk it really comes down to where you do it.
I was raised in a split environment at times I would be around the church and very religious people and other times drinking, drugs etc. I learned that you had to pay attention to where you were and who you were with. Even today I would never curse in front of my family members who are religious (I am atheist) mainly out of respect for their beliefs, that works the same for speaking like a caveman.
I still don't believe it is a good thing to talk in a graphic manner about someone your are in contact with, an off comment like "she's hot, or sexy" pretty much says the same thing without being rude.

I will take this just a bit further, I don't curse(f*ck, d1ck etc) in public(joking with my buddies isn't public), in front of my kids or wife(not counting bedroom talk, haha) sh1t, h3ll,[email protected],a$$ sure I say those all the time I don't really count those words as curse words, the rest just not right to say in mixed company


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

kacy said:


> To SimplyAmourous: *So if I understand correctly are you saying that married men who say I would fuc.k her (actresses) and reference girls when going out in clubs is inevitable and you are okay with? I just wanted to know your view on if you would be okay with it or not.*
> 
> To answer your questions, him and I were dating (part of it was long distance) for only 6 months before we decided to live together, which was for another 6 months until we got married. It has been a year now since our wedding. So I really haven’t noticed the male banters and women cusses (I mean I didn’t hang out with his friends that much to see them use language like this). And he doesn’t do it in front of me. I did notice that he was looking at instagram pictures of a rapper who posted pictures of nakedish girls and I thought that was a little pervy. But it was st small so I let it go. He also stopped following that guy after a long debate and we still argue on that. I'm sure he still looks at girls on instagram that other rappers post if they post it in their page once in a while but we made a policy to not like or follow people who speficially post only naked girls.
> 
> ...


I know this question was directed at SA, but this is one area where her relationship and my relationship differs, and quite a lot, though I doubt either of them would ever go so far as to explicitly say "Yeah, I'd f that"

My STBW and I also differ on this. She sees no problems with it as it is one of those things many people say without actually meaning it. Sort of like saying you want to kill someone. 

Myself, I find it disrespectful, and not something to even joke about, celebrity or not. I understand that I am different in thought to a lot of people, and that is in large part due to my environment in my sexually formative years. Many people justify being able to talk like that about celebs under the guise of them being unattainable. I simply don't see anyone as unattainable.


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