# So, this one, I think I will send. Your thoughts?



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Dear stbxh,

Our son tells me that you guys are once again swimming at the pool in the neighborhood we used to live in. It is against the HOA regs to be using that pool if you are not a resident or a day guest of a resident. 

I think it is a very bad lesson for our children for you to use deceit to obtain privileges. I don’t appreciate you teaching our impressionable kids that it is ok to lie to get what they want. Our older son knows very well what is going on, and as you know, he has had his less than honest moments recently as well. This example only encourages this behavior.

I do not want to upset the children by causing them the embarrassment of seeing their dad’s dishonesty discovered, or the upset of having the HOA refuse them entry to the pool. So, I will ask you to turn in the passes yourself within the next 2 days (by June 2.) On June 3rd, I will call the HOA to make sure they were relinquished. If not, I will give them your current address and phone number, as well as the name of your friend that gave you the stickers this year and last. They can do what they please. 

I am certain that when our older son asks why you can no longer swim there, you will want to quickly tell him that I ruined your scam (in your own choice words, of course.)

It might behoove you to consider instead telling him that you thought better of it, and that because it is wrong to lie, you felt it was a bad example. 

The local public pool offers inexpensive seasonal passes, as does your best friend’s private pool club. The boys already have season passes to the 2 closest amusement/water parks to this area. Your mother has a lakefront home with jet skis, canoes, and a boat 25 minutes from you. The “cost” of this additional convenience is simply too costly. 

Shame on you for making me make you do the right thing.

Your stbxw


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Dear stbxh,
> 
> Our son tells me that you guys are once again swimming at the pool in the neighborhood we used to live in. It is against the HOA regs to be using that pool if you are not a resident or a day guest of a resident.
> 
> ...


Definitely remove the "shame on you" part. 

I think presenting this as a suggestion (eliminating the motherly actions of calling the HOA to check up on your H) may be beneficial. He's certainly making a mistake, but your communication with him is now more important than ever. If you want him to respect your wishes, I think you should present your case respectfully.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I agree with the shame on you part also, don't add that part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Yeah, I know. I wasn't planning to. That might be what I'm thinking, but I don't need to say it. He's doing LOTS of things that set a bad example this way, but this is the only one I can really call him on. 

I think that you're probably also right to begin it as a suggestion, but he doesn't have a great record of choosing to do the right thing.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am a very brief letter writer. I would simply say

Dear stbx,


Our son tells me that you guys are swimming at the pool in the neighborhood we used to live in. It is against the HOA regs to be using that pool if you are not a resident or a day guest of a resident. At some point you _will_ be asked to leave or denied entry. In the interest of our children, I request you no longer use the pool to save them a very uncomfortable situation.

-uhaul

OH trust me, I know the strong desire to send off emails. Trust me. My personal thought is this email is less about the pool and more about something else. I would seriously consider just sending the bare minimum about the pool and how it would affect your children. Any more than that opens the door to him being defensive and as you said-make you out to be the "bad guy."

Just my $.02 ($.02 from someone who has personally deleted dozens of these emails for the reasons I stated above  )


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Staircase,
Your letter was perfect. I wish I had seen it before I sent mine. I did do some editing. Wish I had done more. It started a major sh*tstorm--my stbx decided he had to show it to my son. Lesson learned: don't put in email what I don't want my son to read. 

This is his idea of "keeping the kids out of the middle." Priceless.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ugh, I'm sorry. That's right out of my friend's ex-husband's playbook. He does everything he can to drag their young daughters into their divorce. He tells them their mommy is doing illegal things and will go to jail! That was for when she wanted to keep one daughter an extra 30 minutes into his visitation time to do her makeup for a school play.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

I know what he was doing upset you but I think a simple conversation with would've been better. Just told him look, this is setting a bad example and I'd like for you to stop. It is wrong but it's not like he was selling drugs in front of his kids. And I think this is a pretty common thing at communities with pools. I saw it happening all the time at the pool where I had a condo. People would let anyone in who "forgot their key". I saw kids climb over the fence before. It bugged the crap out of me but they weren't doing any harm.

I struggle daily with wanting people to pay for doing what they know they're not supposed to be doing. And I have to really work at it. When I see people toss cigarette butts on the ground, or run a red light, or eat food off the self-serve bar at the grocery store as a snack....it really irritates me. But that's all that happens. It irritates ME and no one else, and my stress goes up over silly things.

Choose your battles wisely.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I just keep stepping in it. 

I just wanted to shout THE ONLY REASON HE SHOWED IT TO YOU WAS TO MAKE YOU HATE ME AND IT WORKED. But I didn't. This is such a tough place for all of us. 

Given my druthers, I would choose no battles in a heartbeat. Stbx is all about having power and keeping it in this situation, and will not listen to reason or give an inch. The kids and I have so little time together, and I can't be real with them because they report everything to him (but only one way.) When he was "playing nice", I played very nice as well. But now he has the gloves off and I am not about to get suckerpunched again.

I am so ready for this to be over so we can be as close to normal as it's going to get. This is just awful on me and the boys.

Thanks for all your advice. I hope some of your wisdom eventually rubs off on me. I'm overdue.


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