# How to stop thinking about the other man?



## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

First of all - I have been married for 9 years to my only boyfriend who I dated since I was 17.No kids.
I also know, that what I am going to write is wrong and that's why I need help with it.

About this other guy -I knew him from my previous work. We never really talked but I felt attracted to him since day one. Back at that time, I did not have a clue that he thought same about me. For me, he was just someone I could have in my dreams only. Very, very handsome. 
When I left work, he started to chat with me online. It was just friendly talk until I said he has nothing to worry about him and girls not to want him. Long story short, he found out I like him and then it all started. He tried to get me to his place and have "fun" times. He knew how lonely I felt. He knew I was married.

He wrote what he would do with me, how much time and attention he would give me. I would lie if I say I did not like his attention already but I turned him down. 
Few months later, we started to talk . Normal talk ended in naughty one. He wanted same thing from me and I was stupid enough to play his game except I never really met him. 
I know it is wrong on so many levels but when I talked to him, I felt alive. I felt wanted. I do not remember when was the last time I felt this way with my husband.

This other guy pulled away after couple of months but we were in touch on and off for a year. 
Recently, it started again and I do not know how to get him out of my head. He knows what he does, he knows I want him but he also keeps saying I will never meet him. 

He keeps saying how he wants to show me what passion is. He asked me the other day if I was thinking about him. And I was. I could not really work because of image of me and him in my head. He said he was too. 
So wrong! He also asked me if I feel guilty for wanted him. Of course I do and I am also scared because of what I feel. I can't get him out of my head. Each time when I am at work, I will tell myself that I am done with him and I won't reply to any of his messages. Then I get home and keep talking to him and feeling happy. 
I am just confused. I never had any experience with other man except my husband. And now, after feeling so lonely and unhappy in my own marriage, I feel like I just might give up and do biggest mistake I could do. 
How can I stop thinking about forbidden fruit if it looks so great to have it?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You may not stop thinking about it, but you can stop talking with him. He is toxic to your marriage. If you are so unhappy in your marriage, but have no kids, why do you stay?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

*STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THIS OTHER MAN. DON'T CHEAT ANY FURTHER! (YES WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE DONE IS CHEATING)*

Talk to your husband and try to seek professional counseling to work through your problems. You owe this to each other.

If you feel compelled to continue contact with this man who is knowingly trying to destroy your marriage for the sole purpose of passing along some of his body fluids to you (yes, that's all he is really interested in) and *you* want to be physical with him, _*then before you do that*_, have enough respect for your husband to leave him first and file for divorce. After all, you wouldn't want your husband sleeping with another woman and then coming home to bed with you.

*STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THIS OTHER MAN. DON'T CHEAT ANY FURTHER! (YES WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE DONE IS CHEATING)*


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

This guy is radioactive. Don't text him, email him, talk to him, go near him or have anything to do with him. The farther away, the better. Your thoughts will eventually subside but only if you stay 100% away from him


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Bridget,

Sorry to hera you are in this predicament. 

You are having an affair. And have been off and on for awhile now. Own that.

This guy knows you are married, but so do you.

You can't get him out of your head becaUSe you are in contact with him. This is why it's absolutely imperative you go NO CO NTACT with him. Delete his #, block his phone#/FB/emails, everything. 

You will NEVER begin to get out of this hole you're in until you do that first thing: End the affair and go no contact. 

Ask yourself how you would feel if you rusband were doing the same--carrying on w/ a former co-worker off and on for over a year now, talking daily, even in your home.

You wouldn't like it.

So decide what you want because you can't have both: to marry or divorce .. or a few moments of passion with some dude. 

But you cannot have it all. 

So... end the affair and then decide whether you want stay married or not to your husband. Don't drag a third party in anymore. It solves NOTHING in your marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The only thing these men want is to put their parts inside your parts and come inside you. They do not want an emotional relationship. Sorry to be blunt, but that is what it is.

Have any of these men told you they want to marry you, but you have to divorce your husband before they will get any deeper into a relationship with you? No, they try to romance you while knowing you are not available for a long term or exclusive relationship with them.

Try sending an email to one of these guys. "OMG, my doc just told me I have genital herpes and chlamidia!!! What do I do now?". I bet he breaks contact immediately.

(OK, don't really send an email like that because you don't want such a rumor to get spread around)

Tell your husband your marriage is seriously lacking in excitement and romance. Put together a team effort to build your marriage into something so good you aren't interested in looking elsewhere. Seek some therapy to figure out why your boundaries are so weak that you would allow yourself to go this far astray without either fixing or ending your marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I've been here before.

You're addicted to the high he's giving you. You have to cut him off. No other way to say it, but go absolutely cold turkey on this guy. When you feel the urge to call him, engage your husband instead. 

You're going to have to decide if you really want to work on your marriage or walk. The third party distraction is just that... a distraction keeping you from having to make a decision. Stay or go, but don't multitask... it will only make things more complicated and messy. Take my word.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

EA and cheating: "He knew how lonely I felt. He knew I was married.

He wrote what he would do with me, how much time and attention he would give me."

Poison to a marriage. Cut off all contact and come to the realization that your marriage comes first and even if it fails you should still wait a year till after you divorce before you would date anyone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thor said:


> The only thing these men want is to put their parts inside your parts and come inside you. They do not want an emotional relationship. Sorry to be blunt, but that is what it is.
> 
> Have any of these men told you they want to marry you, but you have to divorce your husband before they will get any deeper into a relationship with you? No, they try to romance you while knowing you are not available for a long term or exclusive relationship with them.


I totally agree with Thor. I know that is hard to read but Thor is right. Men know other men and ti's clear this guy is just looking for some strange. He does not take you seriously.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

You know he just wants to get in your pants right?

Let's see how desired he makes you feel after he's sealed the deal

(did you ever think he's looking for the same gratification of being desired that you are? that maybe the idea of nailing a married chick is a huge ego stroke for him--something to consider)

Either fix your marriage or get out of your marriage

But don't keep on flirting with trouble behind you husbands back

It's dishonorable and cowardly


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IDK but I get the impression the lusting part is mutual. She's not talking about running off and white-picket fencing with this guy.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Yup, this guy is preying on you. He fishes around, doesn't get anywhere, contact ends. Comes back to the pond to fish, doesn't catch anything, leaves. Lather, rinse, repeat. If he was a good guy and an honorable person he would be satisfied with just being a friend. But the moment you tell him "No" he sees no point in sticking around so off he goes. And by him saying that he knows you will never meet him sounds like a "I dare you to" type of comment. 

I understand the attention is nice but this is NOT the attention you should be flattered by. And an affair, with him or someone else, is not going to fix your marriage. You need to concentrate your time and effort there first. If you have done all you can do to fix your marriage but to no avail then walk away, take time for you and stay away from predators who feed on the weak and lonely.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Keep this in mind: his ultimate goal is to use you for sex. That is all. It might be a mutual thing, but guaranteed you will not like the way you feel about yourself if you give in to the feelings you say you have about him. Do you want to be used in this way? Then go ahead and do it, because he sounds like such a stellar man to treat you like this. Also, know he is or has in the past used married women like this before. He might stick around for awhile, then he will move on. One last thing if you make the choice to do it? Leave your husband first.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

You all are right. Even though I have no idea what "white-picket fencing with this guy" means. English is my second language.
I know it but somewhere in me there is that voice telling me something else. I guess I am naive. 
When he was writing me about what he would do, I did not really like his language and the way he described it.
If I would ever sleep with someone, it would be because I have feelings for that person. And that is the reason why I cannot understand him sleeping with someone he does not care about at all. I was always trying to be nice to him when he had some issues. He did not really pay attention to it. Sexual part was what interests him, just like him asking what I think about his pictures, body, etc. Crazy, I know. I guess, it is really that high what I like about it. It is hard to explain what I feel but I am pretty sure with stage of my mind I am in right now, I could easily fall for him while he would use me as moist entrance only.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> It is hard to explain what I feel but I am pretty sure with stage of my mind I am in right now, *I could easily fall for him* while he would use me as moist entrance only.


I think you explained it very well, especially since English is your second language. You have received excellent advice. Now it is up to you. You could "easily fall" for him. WHY? He wants to use you for sex. You do understand that. So WHAT would you be falling for?

You make no mention in your posts as to what problems you have in your marriage. How about addressing those problems rather than living in fantasy land?

You are in reality. That is WHAT IS. How is sex in your marriage? Does your husband abuse you? Is their a lack of sexual and emotional connection in your marriage?

Nobody here is going to tell you to keep contacting the other man. So, how about you just get him out of your mind for a few minutes and fill us in on the state of your marriage.

Marriages do not get fixed when one partner is playing fantasy games with another person. They get fixed when the partner who is "playing" gets serious and looks at the marital issues.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I could easily fall for him while he would use me as moist entrance only.[/QUOTE]

OK, you seem to understand what it is he wants

Now spend the time and energy you've been wasting on this guy and use it to fix your marriage

If you can't fix your marriage, divorce your husband and then take your moist entrance to the other guy


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> You all are right. Even though I have no idea what "white-picket fencing with this guy" means. English is my second language.
> I know it but somewhere in me there is that voice telling me something else. I guess I am naive.
> When he was writing me about what he would do, I did not really like his language and the way he described it.
> If I would ever sleep with someone, it would be because I have feelings for that person. And that is the reason why I cannot understand him sleeping with someone he does not care about at all. I was always trying to be nice to him when he had some issues. He did not really pay attention to it. Sexual part was what interests him, just like him asking what I think about his pictures, body, etc. Crazy, I know. I guess, it is really that high what I like about it. It is hard to explain what I feel but I am pretty sure with stage of my mind I am in right now, I could easily fall for him while he would use me as moist entrance only.


It's not crazy, you're liking the attention. When I said white picket fencing I meant that you weren't entertaining ideas of running off and setting up a house and home and having a family with him. The so called 'perfect' relationship ideal. It seemed to me you were only lusting for him in the way he was lusting for you, and not that you would actually fall in love with such a man. 

He only wants sex. Nothing else. He'll tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to get it. Keep that in mind. In the meantime, you and your husband need to really have a sit down. He needs to know where your head is and how unhappy with your marriage you are. Then the two of you need to seek some marriage counseling... DO NOT KEEP TALKING TO THE OTHER MAN. That has to stop immediately. There is no way that you can work on repairing what's wrong in your marriage while still having this other guy around and in you ear.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

To explain my marriage situation: I loved my husband very much at the beginning but with emotional and some physical abuse, I was changing little by little. I never felt any support from him, often only blame for everything. When he hit me, or grab me or called me names, he made me feel it is my fault because I deserved it. So for very long time, I really believed I was not worth or good woman, nor pretty, nor smart. Just someone who messed up everything. I thought I could be happy just for having him. But after 10 years of marriage and no kids, I don't have to be alone, I can sit right next to him and feel lonely as ever. He is good man to everybody, but they do not live with him. I do. There is no mutual respect anymore, no passion, no need to hold each others hand or think about him or me as a most important person in life, someone you should put above anyone. I never was for him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> To explain my marriage situation: I loved my husband very much at the beginning but with emotional and some physical abuse, I was changing little by little. I never felt any support from him, often only blame for everything. When he hit me, or grab me or called me names, he made me feel it is my fault because I deserved it. So for very long time, I really believed I was not worth or good woman, nor pretty, nor smart. Just someone who messed up everything. I thought I could be happy just for having him. But after 10 years of marriage and no kids, I don't have to be alone, I can sit right next to him and feel lonely as ever. He is good man to everybody, but they do not live with him. I do. There is no mutual respect anymore, no passion, no need to hold each others hand or think about him or me as a most important person in life, someone you should put above anyone. I never was for him.


I know how you feel, with the exception of the physical abuse. My ex didn't have to hit me, his overall treatment of me was plenty. He was also unfaithful on top of it all.

I had someone whispering in my ear when I was at my lowest point, and I went for it. I should have just left my ex instead of going that route. You don't have kids like I did, so in your situation I really don't see any reason why you sit there and tolerate that. Get out of that. You DO deserve more and better, and you don't need that guy whispering in your ear to show that. He only wants to use you and mistreat you... you'd be repeating a pattern if you went the route of this other guy.

I didn't have a happy ending (with me and the other guy happily ever after). I gave in and had an affair and it made things worse not better. Don't go there.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

And there is the thing. If everybody loves my husband, thinks how perfect and goodhearted person he is, does not it mean I am the bad one? That I cannot appreciate what I have?


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

:iagree:


Jellybeans said:


> Hi Bridget,
> 
> Sorry to hera you are in this predicament.
> 
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> And there is the thing. If everybody loves my husband, thinks how perfect and goodhearted person he is, does not it mean I am the bad one? That I cannot appreciate what I have?


They aren't married to him and don't really know him. Who cares what they think? I had that problem too. My ex was the nicest guy in the world to others. He hid his demons well. When it came out about my affair everyone looked down on me. I was all kinds of *****s and ****z then. Nevermind HIS actions. I had to get past people thinking less of me, because he and I knew the real truth and eventually everyone else would too.

I got divorced and moved on. People started to see him for who he really was as time went on. I didn't have to say a word. My life now is happier, I'm remarried and living well. What's he doing? Well from what I know, certainly not as happy as I am, but hey, he made his bed.

You have to realize that others can't decide your life for you. This is YOUR life. YOU have to live it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If your husband is beating you and physically and verbally abusing you, then you need to leave him. 

Abuse is never ever ok, under any circumstance. 



BridgetJones said:


> And there is the thing. If everybody loves my husband, thinks how perfect and goodhearted person he is, does not it mean I am the bad one? That I cannot appreciate what I have?


Most abusers show a "charmer" face to everyone BUT their victim. So it's not surprising they think he's great but don't know the "real" him.

My advice is simple: if your husband is abusive, et a divorce.

As for your thread topic: the affair is not the answer, dear. At all. You are in a crap marriage seeking out attention cause it feels good... but the thing is, this other guy doesn't really care about you. He just wants to have sex with you--that's it. You are making it easy for him. Don't. Cut all contact with him immediately and sort out of your life.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> And there is the thing. If everybody loves my husband, thinks how perfect and goodhearted person he is, does not it mean I am the bad one? That I cannot appreciate what I have?


If the important people in your life knew he hit you, how much would they love him? I'm with some of the others, with no kids in the mix (and even if there were), why not leave. However, that said, this other guys does not seem like the one to go for even if you were single. Think about it, he knows you are married and is doing all this? :scratchhead: A real man would be more interested in helping you safely get away from an abuser, his genitals should not be part of the equation.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your husband is a bad man.

He physically abuses you. 

Please stop talking to this other man asap or your husband might kill you if he finds out.

Prepare an exit plan with family & friends to leave your husband but be very careful.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

He's almost cracked your code for you to spread eagle for him. Keep talking to him and you'll eventually sleep with him, you're headed in that direction.

If you want to sleep with him, keep on talking to him. If you really do love your current bf then that's how you stop thinking of the other man.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BridgetJones said:


> To explain my marriage situation: I loved my husband very much at the beginning but with emotional and some physical abuse, I was changing little by little. I never felt any support from him, often only blame for everything. When he hit me, or grab me or called me names, he made me feel it is my fault because I deserved it. So for very long time, I really believed I was not worth or good woman, nor pretty, nor smart. Just someone who messed up everything. I thought I could be happy just for having him. But after 10 years of marriage and no kids, I don't have to be alone, I can sit right next to him and feel lonely as ever. He is good man to everybody, but they do not live with him. I do. There is no mutual respect anymore, no passion, no need to hold each others hand or think about him or me as a most important person in life, someone you should put above anyone. I never was for him.


If all this is true, then the best thing you can do is to leave your husband and start a fresh life. Don't make a bad situation worse by cheating with a low life and loosing any more self esteem. There are men who can smell when a woman is vulnerable to some attention (even on line) and they know what to say to make a connection. All he wants is a f**k buddy for a couple of months.


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## Jessie20 (Oct 7, 2012)

You have been with your husband for a long time, and if you met when you were 17, he was probably your only relationship. I agree with the others that you should break contact with this other guy as I suspect if you do anything with him you will feel disgusted immediately afterwards. Sounds like you need to think about your marriage and if you want it to continue? Maybe a temporary break to really work out how you feel about your husband. This may help you gain perspective on the situation. You will know if you miss him, use excuses to get his time/attention etc, or it could go the other way and you will feel free. Either way you will be in a better position to make a decision on how to move forward. At least with no children involved you don't have to stay out of obligation to them. Don't feel bad about the other guy as most women like attention from an attractive guy, married or not! Good Luck


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You are desperate for attention, and desperation can make us do harmful things. 
It's very hard to leave a marriage. Could you go and stay with your parents or a good friend? 
With a physically abusive man it's best to leave without telling him first. 
Let people say what they want YOU know the truth.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Emerald
> Your husband is a bad man.
> 
> He physically abuses you.
> ...



Good post!

I just want to add, if you leave, that you should not get involved with any man for 6months to one year.
You are too weakened right now and need time to get stronger

Your husband may change if he has any decency at all in him. the 6 months to one year will give you a good idea if he has changed.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

I have to say that all of your advices helped me a lot. I am not talking to this guy anymore. He knew he won't get what he wanted, so he is probably already looking somewhere else.
About my marriage - I will try counseling even though DH said it is just me who has problem and he won't go with me.
I would love to get break from him just like someone suggested but I have nowhere to go. We live in another country, no family or very close friends here.
When he is at work and I am alone, I feel fine. No worry, no criticism. Then he will come home and it feels like different world. We fight most of the time. I will do my best to find my answers and finally do something to move forward.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you state your case to your husband, tell him exactly what you want and need from him, and he still refuses to work with you....then file for divorce and leave his lazy, sorry a$$. Then when the divorce is finalyzed, go find a good man who will work a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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