# Here for some advice...



## Jillk5

Hello everyone! I am wanting some advice. I am recently separated from my husband.

I had been cheating on him for about 4 months and I told him about everything after the anxiety was too much to stand. A little bit of background info....We have been married almost 10 years.

Throughout the course of our marriage he has cheated on me once ( early on), I have cheated on him one other time (with a man I met because he had wanted me to have sex with him and tell him about it later), there has also been physical abuse (I’ve had at least 4 black eyes, broken ribs and too many bruises to count). 

I know it sounds crazy but we do have a lot of love between us and our 3 kids are well adjusted and devastated by this separation. We have managed to keep most of our “issues” away from them. 

So right now we are living apart (kind of, I stay the night at his house most of the time), he says it’s only me who needs to be putting in work to rebuild trust. 

He is currently on dating sites and talking to other women to see if I’m really what he wants. I guess my question is am I crazy to be trying to build anything while he is not invested? I’m struggling with resentment towards him for the abuse (I’ve always said I forgave him and swept it under the rug, never dealing with it) and I’m not able to provide the compassion I feel like I should be giving him. 

He says I completely took away his family and everything he was working for, he was finally starting to do better. But even still as recent as last summer he gave me a black eye! I’m so bitter and unsure, if I would have left when the abuse started he would be the [email protected]! But since I cheated I am now the most hated person, but I feel like I don’t deserve that title!

I know what I did was so wrong and there is never an excuse for cheating. I am really just wondering if all this rebuilding in my part is total madness. Help me out please.


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## Mr.Married

Howdy Jill,

If you knew for a fact you were going to be physically abused again, would you still stay?

History will repeat itself ...... now he has an even "better" excuse for it (not that there is EVER any good excuse).

Cheaters just keep cheating eventually ..... both you and him.

I'd say that more than likely the two of you will just keep damaging each other.

Ya'll relationship is no where near what a healthy relationship looks like.

You each have your parts to own in this mess. It's hard enough when only one has done the damage ..... much less both.

If I were you ...... I would have left after the first punch.


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## sokillme

You are in an abusive relationship. Please get help and counseling so you can see clearly what you are accepting.


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## MattMatt

Seek support from agencies that help abused spouses.


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## SunCMars

I am sorry for your situation.
This cannot continue. You must escape this toxic marriage.

Concentrate on the children's needs after divorce.
You will need counseling. 

And stay away from men for some time. You have a poor man picker and you have weak boundaries.

Questions...

Does alcohol or drug use play a part in either of your lives?

Have you been prescribed anti-anxiety medication?

Are they helping?





[[TH]- SCM


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## timcarp1964

Mr.Married said:


> Cheaters just keep cheating eventually ..... both you and him.
> 
> I'd say that more than likely the two of you will just keep damaging each other.
> 
> If I were you ...... I would have left after the first punch.


I have seen see you say cheaters just keep cheating a few times. Maybe you can consider a modification: Cheaters who don't get help keep cheating. No one is beyond redemption and change - NO ONE! It takes work, hard work but it can be done. I am a former cheater and while I am in a **** relationship, I ain't cheating again. This man isn't getting hep, so I agree with you that they will keep damaging each other.

Jillk5, journal about what a healthy relationship looks like and what you can do to get there. Require him to get help. If he doesn't, leave him. You might think your kids are well adjusted but ask a trusted friend who knows of your abuse. Above all, take care of yourself and your children.


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## TJW

timcarp1964 said:


> No one is beyond redemption and change - NO ONE! It takes work, hard work but it can be done.


This is true. Although no one is beyond redemption, we see the majority of people really don't want to change. When the change isn't wanted, it won't come, any "work" will be faked and therefore ineffectual.

Congratulations on your change. It places you in a very elite percentile group who wanted to change themselves, and followed the difficult road to it.


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## sokillme

timcarp1964 said:


> I have seen see you say cheaters just keep cheating a few times. Maybe you can consider a modification: Cheaters who don't get help keep cheating. No one is beyond redemption and change - NO ONE! It takes work, hard work but it can be done. I am a former cheater and while I am in a **** relationship, I ain't cheating again. This man isn't getting hep, so I agree with you that they will keep damaging each other.
> 
> Jillk5, journal about what a healthy relationship looks like and what you can do to get there. Require him to get help. If he doesn't, leave him. You might think your kids are well adjusted but ask a trusted friend who knows of your abuse. Above all, take care of yourself and your children.


But there is also something to be said for the dignity of the person who is in the relationship with them and society as a whole. I would say, always when a spouse is violent and in many cases where they cheat on their spouse, it's not good for anyone that they stay together. It lowers us all as a society, it's to all our shame that we have not empowered the abused spouse to help them escape. This is independent of the abusive spouses remorse. Some things must not stand. This women deserves better then to give her love, and life to someone who treats her like that.

Forgiveness and change are one thing, continuing to earn the honor of being in a relationship with the person that abused you is another.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Jillk5 said:


> I have cheated on him one other time (with a man I met because he had wanted me to have sex with him and tell him about it later)


That's not cheating - that's hot-wifing. You two as adults chose to do it so it's not cheating and no one was betrayed or lied to. So stop counting it as you 'cheating.'



> ..there has also been physical abuse (I’ve had at least 4 black eyes, broken ribs and too many bruises to count). I know it sounds crazy but we do have a lot of love between us and our 3 kids are well adjusted and devastated by this separation. We have managed to keep most of our “issues” away from them.


How does one hide broken ribs from their kids for 6-8 weeks? How does one hide black eyes and split lips from their kids? How does one hide continual bruises from their kids? I guess continually LYING to their faces about falling down steps or walking into walls, just to protect their saint of a father at all costs, is all worth it.

What's your payoff in protecting your abuser? Are you financially dependent on this POS? If he's so wonderful and he loves you so much, why are you hiding your broken ribs and black eyes from everyone including your kids instead of showing them off to the world? I mean, nothing says "I love you" like a broken rib, right? 



> But even still as recent as last summer he gave me a black eye! I’m so bitter and unsure


And yet, you still stay. 

I guess when you've been battered enough or this abusive POS does something so egregious that you're either put in a wheelchair for life or your life is left hanging in the balance, maybe THEN it will become clear to you and you won't be 'unsure' anymore.



> Help me out please.


OUT being the operative word. Get your ducks in a row and see a lawyer and be DONE with this ass-hole. Why on earth you're willingly going to his place every night and jumping all around like a trained seal trying to please him thinking you need to 'win' this POS back is beyond me.

You need professional help. This guy is a loser.


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## Mr.Married

Jillk5 said:


> I have cheated on him one other time (with a man I met because he had wanted me to have sex with him and tell him about it later), .


I previously missed that part ....... that doesn't actually make you a cheater. That decision is between the two of you .....

I still stand by the fact ..... you need to get out..... like right now...get out!


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## AandM

Mr.Married said:


> I previously missed that part ....... that doesn't actually make you a cheater. That decision is between the two of you .....
> 
> I still stand by the fact ..... you need to get out..... like right now...get out!


Yeah, but in his head, it is cheating. He wasn't opening up the marriage, he was exerting his will by letting his friend use her. This was about showing his friend the control he exerts over OP, not her enjoyment. When she met up with the guy again, on her own, she was exerting her will, and that's unacceptable in his ****ed up gourd.

To this guy, wife=chattel.

OP, you say that you are here for advice. The only advice being offered is the only advice that will help. I'm joining the chorus telling you to get him out of your life. By staying, you are teaching your children that THIS is normal.


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## sunsetmist

Jillk5 said:


> Hello everyone! I am wanting some advice. I am recently separated from my husband.
> 
> *I had been cheating on him for about 4 months and I told him about everything after the anxiety was too much to stand.* A little bit of background info....We have been married almost 10 years.
> 
> Throughout the course of our marriage he has cheated on me once ( early on), I have cheated on him one other time (with a man I met because he had wanted me to have sex with him and tell him about it later), *there has also been physical abuse (I’ve had at least 4 black eyes, broken ribs and too many bruises to count). *
> 
> *I know it sounds crazy but we do have a lot of love between us *and our 3 kids are well adjusted and devastated by this separation. We have managed to keep most of our “issues” away from them.
> 
> *So right now we are living apart (kind of, I stay the night at his house most of the time)*, *he says it’s only me who needs to be putting in work to rebuild trust. *
> *
> He is currently on dating sites and talking to other women to see if I’m really what he wants. *I guess my question is am I crazy to be trying to build anything while he is not invested? I’m struggling with resentment towards him for the abuse (I’ve always said I forgave him and swept it under the rug, never dealing with it) and I’m not able to provide the compassion I feel like I should be giving him.
> 
> He says I completely took away his family and everything he was working for, he was finally starting to do better. But even still as recent as last summer he gave me a black eye! I’m so bitter and unsure, if I would have left when the abuse started he would be the [email protected]! But since I cheated I am now the most hated person, but I feel like I don’t deserve that title!
> 
> I know what I did was so wrong and there is never an excuse for cheating. *I am really just wondering if all this rebuilding in my part is total madness. *Help me out please.


I come to this late. He had been severely physically abusive, but wasn't after your recent 4 month of cheating revelation? You got anxiety from cheating, but not from his abuse? Why did you cheat? 

What type of behavior set off his abuse or was it related to his state (drinking)? You consider physical abuse to be part of a loving relationship. That is, he loves me enough to hit me? But there is stuffed resentment. 

You are 'separated" but spend nights--have sex with him? He wants only you to behave and rebuild his trust? He is dating or trying date other women to see if he can find better.. What would rebuilding his trust mean? 

Your question is if rebuilding on your part (alone) is total madness? IMO: Yes.


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## Mr. Nail

The sad truth is that you need to get out of this relationship before he kills you.


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## Diana7

I find it almost impossible that your children can be unaffected by living with a violent and abusive man. If you wont leave to protect yourself then leave for them. They will copy what they see. Do you want them to think that this mess is a normal healthy marriage? That's its ok to beat you wife? That its ok to persuade your wife to have sex with another man? To cheat?


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## oldshirt

Jillk5 said:


> He is currently on dating sites and talking to other women to see if I’m really what he wants.
> 
> 
> I guess my question is am I crazy to be trying to build anything while he is not invested?


The way you find out if a person is the one you want is by dating and talking to that particular person. 


You involvement with this guy is toxic - a poison in other words that does you more harm that if you weren't exposed to it. 

To knowingly and intentionally expose yourself to a toxin is crazy.


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## jlg07

"I know it sounds crazy but we do have a lot of love between us and our 3 kids are well adjusted and devastated by this separation. We have managed to keep most of our “issues” away from them. "

This is not love -- it's codependence. You REALLY need to get away from him and YOU need to figure out why you cheated. YOU doing this doesn't "make up for" the fact that he did. You BOTH are awful at being married. Perhaps you should not be.


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