# Did I make a mistake?



## angelsmilk (Aug 9, 2011)

So I have been married for almost two years now, no children, a lovely dog and cat though. When I first met my husband, he started working for me via his brother at a local bar. We were both in the music industry and found that we got along quite well. I had never really found him attractive or even considered dating him, but alas MANY shots later, we found eachother at my house. He saw this as a clear invitation. I saw this as a typical friday night. (At the time I was getting over one of the greatest loves of my life...and welcomed anything that could remotely distract me from the memories)

So...my husband began to court me. Very quickly..he changed from a last year college kid that had never had a job or had to pay for a thing and had never been in love... to being with a woman that has had her heart broken, hope destroyed and had been supporting herself since 17. Obviously he fell in love with my crazy ass. 

I went along with the relationship because I always had a tendancy to date the guy that was sure to cheat on me or have a drinking problem or was married...you name the wrong guy..I was there. Soooooo...I meet a sweet guy with a good heart and I convinced myself that it was good enough. A year goes by and he proposed on our one year anniversary. IN MY HEAD I immediately said no, but then I remembered how much he loved me and how good he was to me and how he would never cheat on me. So out loud I said yes. 

But I think I forgot to fall in love with him. I'm not even sure I got to the point where I really liked him. 

So now I find myself here. I woke up a few weeks ago and told him I wanted a divorce because I am so unhappy and he pretty much said no. 

I don't ever want to have sex, the littlest of his habits annoy me, we argue alot and I am just so tired. We come from very different backgrounds so that right there starts some fights. I don't like how he acts in public, and I find that he tends to have a holier than thou attitude. I also hate the fact that he's overweight and his manbreasts are nearly as large as mine. I really don't like sex anymore :-( We're in our twenties..we should be like rabbits.

AND to top it all off, everytime I bring up that I think we have some serious marital problems--he dismisses them by attributing our issues to the fact that I'm stressed, or on my period, or on antidepressants or off of them, or that I'm tired. It's NEVER that we might in fact have a real issue. We tried a marriage counselor immediately after we had married because I found his porn stash after I had repeatedly told him it really bothered me and I asked him to leave the house. Those sessions quickly stopped because as he said, they didn't know what they were talking about. 

I feel like he has this way of passively controlling me with how he acts when we are having problems and I never feel like he gives credit or substance to anything I have to say. 

I love him but I don't know if I am in love with him. and I don't know how much longer I want to wait to find out. I'm so afraid of waking up 5 years from now next a man that I was trying to force myself to love only to find that I've been lying to myself. He's so sweet that sometimes I just think that he would be better off with someone who really does want to rip his clothes off the moment he walks in the door...not with me. 

Are there any other ladies like me? I miss lusting after the man that I am with so much...I used to love sex and I just dread coming home now. I just don't know if I should just suck it up and stay and hope for the best or leave while it's sooner than later...


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## Lucky1126 (Aug 7, 2011)

I've never been in your situation. I fell in love with my husband. I did have a relationship like that at once and was married to him not for very long though. We met at a job and just kinda hit it off in a way. He was very attractive though. I didn't see his mean side till after the I Do's. He was controlling...and gave me the same excuses that your husband says to you. I married him to prove to myself that I could stay in a relationship and make the best of it. Fight after fight, no sex after no sex...I finally asked him to go to counseling with me and he flat out told me no that we didn't have any issues that we couldn't handle ourselves. At that moment I wrote him a very very long letter...waited till he got home...had my bags for a few nights already packed. I told him to read the letter I wrote and to not say anything till he was done. I told him that if he couldn't go to counseling with me than we needed to split ways and I would give him some time to think about it. I went and stayed with my parents for a few days and we talked...about a week later I met him at our apartment to find his wedding ring off and the apartment lease on the kitchen table...I was shocked. He told me he filed for divorce. 

If you aren't happy and never loved him I really don't see a point in staying because you are just going to be even unhappier than you are now. If he doesn't want to go to counseling maybe you could go to a group therapy or one on one therapy to help you cope with whatever decision you make. I hope you find the answer you are looking for but remember the only one that can do something is you. Keep you head up and look to a good future!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

angelsmilk said:


> I went along with the relationship because I always had a tendancy to date the guy that was sure to cheat on me or have a drinking problem or was married...you name the wrong guy..I was there.
> 
> Soooooo...I meet a sweet guy with a good heart and I convinced myself that it was good enough. A year goes by and he proposed on our one year anniversary. *IN MY HEAD I immediately said no*, but then I remembered how much he loved me and how good he was to me and how he would never cheat on me. So out loud I said yes.


Why did you immediately say no in your head? Was it really that you didn't FEEL it with your H or was it your tendency to go after the bad boy that gave you this initial reaction? Could there be part of you that feels you don't deserve this sweet guy?



angelsmilk said:


> So now I find myself here. I woke up a few weeks ago and told him I wanted a divorce because I am so unhappy and he pretty much said no.


He's said no to the divorce but also refuses to acknowledge their are issues in your marriage? I'm not sure how you can move forward TOGETHER from this point. 

Temporarily overlooking the fact that you're not sure if you're in love with him, let alone like him, the other things you mentioned can actually be worked on if both of you were open to changes being made. What else was said when you mentioned you wanted a divorce? How have things been between you since then? Even though you threw down the D-Card, it sounds to me like you want this to work as you're posting here and you've tried talking with him. If he can't even face that you are unhappy though, I'm not sure where you can go with this.

I hope you don't take offense to this question, but are you lusting after someone outside your marriage?


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## angelsmilk (Aug 9, 2011)

I think that when I met him, I had pretty much hit my breaking point in my 20's. I knew I wanted to settle down, I knew that I was absolutely finished with dating a**holes, and I had it in my head that the only things that mattered were that I never got cheated on again and that the guy would love me more than anything in the world...which is exactly what I got. But I find it so hard to just deal with his personality.

I have mentioned divorce a few times, but he always says that we made a vow and that he intends to keep it. He always seems to better himself after we have a huge blowout, but he never really works on the things that I have continuosly harped on...eating well, excercising, loving himself...I know that he has really low self esteem but I guess I just can't seem to connect with the complacent, feels sorry for himself side that will eat an entire large pizza if he can.

I know it would absolutely crush him if I left, I am his first love, but I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I don't really know how to go about finding good counseling--the two we tried pretty much sided with me and he quit going to those. And he is so unbelievably defensive (he's always right about EVERYTHING) that I can't say that it would even work!

I do not lust after anyone else, although I have found myself starting to look at other men and that scares me. I have never been a cheater, I will never put myself in that situation...but we haven't even been married a full two years yet and my eyes are wandering.

I guess I just really want him to man up and grow up. I miss running around naked with a partner and feeling comfortable about it. I miss feeling like I can state my opinion without being told that I don't know what I am talking about or that I am wrong. And I wish that he just had more self respect than he does. I am 3 years older than him but at times it feels like the gap is 3 times that size.

Thanks so much ladies...it really helps to know that some of you are willing to take the time and read through these posts and help. I need it so much and none of my friends really understand. I send you all a big hug!!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

angelsmilk said:


> *I have mentioned divorce a few times*, but he always says that we made a vow and that he intends to keep it. He always seems to better himself after we have a huge blowout, but he never really works on the things that I have continuosly harped on...eating well, excercising, loving himself...I know that he has really low self esteem but I guess I just can't seem to connect with the complacent, feels sorry for himself side that will eat an entire large pizza if he can.


Ouch!! It's hurtful to keep throwing out the threat of leaving him. Then afterwards you stay anyway, so he might be learning that you're not really serious about leaving. 

How would this affect someone with low self esteem? I'm doubtful it would spur them into positive action of suddenly getting fit and changing. Perhaps he's comforting the emotional uncertainty he has with you through food? Which then becomes catch-22 with your feelings towards him and the relationship. Harping on at someone to change isn't going to help things. 

Someone with a high sense of self would call you on it and tell you to move out. Or if the reaction was to try to hold on and keep the relationship, the issues and hurt would surface to be worked on together if that's what you both wanted.

Make no mistake that your behavior of 'threatening' to leave is crushing him. If you do stay together and eventually work things out, you might find this is something that takes him quite some time to get over. Be careful with your words and actions. If you truly decide the relationship isn't what you want, wouldn't it also be ideal if you could part ways somewhat lovingly? 

I'm not making a judgement on you, just offering something to think about. Best wishes.


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## angelsmilk (Aug 9, 2011)

I think I just don't know how to help myself, him or us. I find myself caught in a cycle of loving him, then blowing up and hating him and just being an overall angry mean person...and that's not who I am. I can't seem to figure out how to be encouraging and loving from a sincere place inside of me. Our life is very stressful..we are young and poor...I'm back in school and he's working full time... and we just can't help but be ugly towards eachother. I thought that when you really loved someone, it was easy to be nice to them and caring. I feel so lost and so lonely all of the time.

Heartsbreaking, I've been reading through some of your posts and you truly are encouraging. You made me remember all of the reasons I do love him and all of the wonderful things he does do for me. How did you guys figure out how to make each other happy?

We both get very defensive and just put up walls. I get furious and usually drink away the sad...he turns to food out of spite. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to turn off the mean and figure out how to talk to eachother in an encouraging way? I'm so tired of feeling like this...and I know I have to make a lot of changes as well...please help!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't really have any advice other than to tell you this. If you rely on someone else for your happiness you will always be disappointed. Happiness has to come from inside. It is unfair to expect someone else to make you happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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