# Am I enabling my demotivated and lazy husband or is it depression that needs support?



## LottieMay (11 mo ago)

My big question: Because I tend to do most of the housework and breadwinning, am I enabling him to be lazy? What should I do if I am...should I just let the bills go unpaid and stop cleaning (I've already done that to a point)? Could it be depression that needs my support?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LottieMay said:


> My husband and I are both in our mid thirties. We've known each other for over 25 years and have been married for 7 years. We both went back to college two years ago. He had some military college benefits he had to use before they expired, so he signed up for full time classes and quit his job to get a degree in engineering. I am also in school full time and I work 30 hours a week. I was ok with him quitting his job because we had the understanding that once his military benefits expired, he would take out student loans and also get a part time student job and internships. He started off doing well in school for the first semester, but then the pandemic hit and it all seemed to fall apart. He could not handle the responsibility of online classes because he absolutely can not resist playing computer video games, playing on his phone, or watching youtube instead of doing online work.
> Fast forward two years later: He seems to have fallen into a huge funk consisting of 1) failing school 2) doing nothing bit video games, watching Youtube/TV/porn 3) not getting a job and relying totally on student loans and credit cards because "he needs to focus on school" despite never studying and spending all day doing #2 when he could be working.
> 
> He failed out of engineering school, his military benefits are expired, he has $30k in student loans, and nothing to show for it. He is only eligible for community college now, where he attends an online IT program but has failed a few classes there as well, and currently is in line to fail the semester. He keeps taking out $10k of student loans per semester, charges bills to credit cards, and refuses to get a job saying he needs to focus on school despite the fact that he spends all day messing around. He failed the entry level IT exam, which is the easiest one out of the 4 certifications he is supposed to be able to do while taking this IT associates degree program. He just barely passes the classes that he does pass, and it makes me think he will not be able to get any of the IT certifications he needs for getting a decent job. To make matters worse, a friend is trying to convince him to quit school and not get his associates degree (even though he only has 1 and a half semesters left) in order to get a job as a basic IT help desk person that only makes $17 an hour. He will have over $40k in student loans, so I think this is terrible because he would have not even gotten a degree for all of that! I think he should quit his video game and actually try at school so that he can get his certifications because he is a veteran and he can easily get a job in the government that pays $30 to $40 an hour ( he would have veteran's hiring preference). So that is where we are at currently: he is on the cusp of failing unless he drops the video games and starts really putting forth the effort. He did cancel the video game, but I have doubts because when I go into his computer area, he will always be watching Youtube now.
> ...


I would say yes at this point you are enabling him although that was never the intention. He's acting like a little boy problem is he needs a good talking to like a parent, but if you take that roll it will change your romantic relationship. Does he not have a mother or father who could come down hard on him about this or even an older sibling?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Stop doing anything for him. Don't wash a stitch of his clothing, cook dinner for yourself only, separate all bank accounts and give him no spending money. Tell him it's time to start being a man and taking care of himself at least and if he cannot even do that it is probably time for you find someone who can be a man. You're married to a spoiled teenager.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sounds like most men- they don’t do well hanging around the house. Is there anyway he can just go get a job asap. Degree, certifications or not- if he’s reasonably skilled technically and a vet he should be able to get a decent job. Maybe when he’s back on his feet he’ll continue the school stuff.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I agree with other posters, you are the new "mommy" who is taking care of everything for him.
He needs a wake up call before he will change. I think this because I went through a similar period (briefly) and know what it took to snap me out of it. He's found an easy way to live and it's quite enjoyable. You need to make it not so enjoyable.

The amount of 'wake up' he needs might be more than stopping doing certain things so be prepared to go stronger if you have to.

Your story reads like he will indeed come out of this once he sees the light. But I don' t know how hard you will have to shake him before he sees said light.
Congratulations on being the adult in the room.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are married to a child. I would imagine that he will 90% of the person he is right now for the rest of your marriage (he might improve 10%).

Now ask yourself if you like that for a future.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This guy is a class A loser! I'd divorce him and find a real man. This person is a manchild.

I recommend all women avoid guys who play videos games.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Stop doing anything for him and stop paying for anything for him. Also cut off sex...that works good!

But in all honesty this guy is never going to change enough to be the man you need him to be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not everyone is cut out for college and certainly not for a difficult major. He needs to figure out a different path — and quick. Right now he’s unmotivated and unless he wants to spend his life that way (and some do) he needs to let go of that dream and find something that works with his skill set. Engineering clearly isn’t it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And, yes, you’re enabling him. He’s got a mommy doing stuff for him so why should he grow up.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LottieMay said:


> I will have to cover his half of the bills for the third month in a row. I keep telling him to call the school to see what is going on, but he just never got the motivation to do it until today when I told him I don't think I can cover his half of bills


Do not pay his bills ever again! You are not his mommy. He needs to man up or be gone.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This is one situation where I'd throw out the D word.

Listen, I need you to do X, Y, and Z by this date or I'm gone and we are getting divorced.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Maybe it is time to put some controls on the router.... so his phone and computer can't get to the complete waste of time sites.

Also start a construction project so the workers are in the house at 7 am so he can't sleep in.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> This guy is a class A loser! I'd divorce him and find a real man. This person is a manchild.
> 
> I recommend all women avoid guys who play videos games.


Avoid guys who play video games? I’ve had a pretty good engineering career and I play video games.


OP, the problem isn’t the video games. That is just his outlet for not facing the facts of his life.

Yes, you are enabling him at this point. If you want to stay with him, you need to have a serious discussion with him. He needs to know that he needs help for his depression. In addition, he needs a life plan. Things need to change and they need to change quick. The depression will take time, but he isn’t racking up debt on himself, he is doing it to both of you since you are married. You need to cut that off right now. As in yesterday. Whether you stay with him or not, you are also on the hook for that debt. He cannot continue that at all.

my suggestion would be for him to learn a trade. This makes great money and it gets him out of the house.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> Sounds like most men- they don’t do well hanging around the house. Is there anyway he can just go get a job asap. Degree, certifications or not- if he’s reasonably skilled technically and a vet he should be able to get a decent job. Maybe when he’s back on his feet he’ll continue the school stuff.


Yeah. Literally anybody can get a job right now. He just doesn't want one because he's reverted back to his teenage days.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

he sounds like one of these layabout good for nothings that do not work, expect the government to give them money and free stuff, and never work another day in his life. 
I am sure he LOVES Biden!

you as a family are building up debt very quickly.
Engineering school is kind of DESIGNED to fail the students who are not serious. it requires a LOT of work. It also probably can not be learned ONLINE, unless you are already some kind of genius. you need the interaction of your professors and other classmates. 

But it sounds like even if he were in-person taking classes, he also would have flunked out, because he still would have needed to do homework at home.

I suspect he is more the type of guy that should have gone to trade school, and learned how to work a trade. those jobs are in demand right now, but do not require quite the level of book learning and math as an engineering degree.

Maybe you talk him into becoming an electrician or plumber? A carpenter?
Once he gets a journyman's license or contractor's license, he will have a very high paying job for the rest of his life. 

IT degree at community college? well he will not be sought out for the best jobs with that!

BTW, what are YOU doing for education? You said you started. in what field. you need a career too, especially if your gamer bud never gets a degree or license.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Avoid guys who play video games? I’ve had a pretty good engineering career and I play video games.



Yes video games are for children and a waste of time. How does playing videos games get anyone closer to their life goals?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Yes video games are for children and a waste of time. How does playing videos games get anyone closer to their life goals?


Ok. Good to know.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Ok. Good to know.


Use that time to read, workout, or build a business.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I hate to inform you of this, but an Associates degree is about as valuable as using a participation trophy when applying for a sports scholarship. Degrees are so common and diluted that they don't carry the weight they did 25-30 years ago. Most employers don't even verify your degree except for high level positions and not always in those cases.

For IT, he is going to need multiple Microsoft certifications and other certifications, years of experience, and connections to get decent pay. IT is moving to cloud services with overseas call center support. His age is also a factor for the IT field. He is going to be stuck in soul sucking, read from the script, desk support for whatever product of the month job. All while some idiot manager hounds him over meeting the monthly metrics..... i am not being sarcastic either. The IT field is not what it used to be. And most jobs are contract jobs for 3-4 month projects with no benefits. 

If he wants to build a decent career. Get into construction. Something like plumbing, electrical, A/C, etc. They are all in high demand and dont care anything about degrees. If you hire on as a laborer and show some initiative, they will teach you the trade. Here in the south, if your A/C breaks in summer, people want you knocking on the door before they hang up the phone. Same goes for plumbers, electricians, and handyman services. He could learn plumbing and make 25.00 or more an hour in two years as a journeyman. Become a master plumber and start your own business making 100k or more a year 

Forget the IT field. Its highly stressful, low pay, low job security, and will give you a heart attack by 50.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Use that time to read, workout, or build a business.


Whatever, dude. I get it. You think you are the "Chad" or the big dog alpha here and you know everything there is to know, but know this: any one can talk a big game behind a keyboard. I doubt you are as awesome as you think you are. I think I'll stick to playing video games for an hour at night with my son for some leisure time. Considering the hard work I put into every aspect of my life up until that point, I'd say I've earned some relaxation. 


As for the OP, it's not the video games. It's using that as an escape to get away from responsibility. It could be anything he is wasting his time on. He needs to either work hard at his school work and finish up or he needs to get a job. Right now, he is just increasing the debt you are tied to while you are married.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LottieMay said:


> _*He could not handle the responsibility of online classes because he absolutely can not resist playing computer video games, playing on his phone, or watching youtube instead of doing online work.*_
> *Fast forward two years later: He seems to have fallen into a huge funk consisting of 1) failing school 2) doing nothing bit video games, watching Youtube/TV/porn 3) not getting a job and relying totally on student loans and credit cards because "he needs to focus on school" despite never studying and spending all day doing #2 when he could be working.*


You married a lazy ass man-child.

Let me rephrase that. You married a lazy ass man-child who is completely irresponsible financially and is dragging you right down into the mud with him. What kind of complete failure lets his wife support him while he runs up thousands of dollars in debt and plays video games like some stupid teenager all day? Why on earth you haven't kicked him straight out the door is truly a mystery to me.

And the fact that you WASTED your inheritance on this fool is really just a damned shame.
*



I also resent him because I am working AND going to school full time in a very hard STEM major, but I still do most of the housework.

Click to expand...

*Gosh, what a shocker. This failure can't get off the damned couch to do anything, so why would you expect him to actively take part in the chores at home? 

*



I have very little free time, and when I do, I often had to clean, and then he'd just play video games all day, and then he wonders why I always say I'm too tired for sex!?!? I got so stressed out last year that I was losing my hair, but meanwhile he was just failing classes and video-gaming all day.

Click to expand...

*So exactly when are you going to admit that you've made a very bad choice and you CONTINUE to make this bad choice day after day after day? I mean, what has to happen before you finally realize you need to kick his ass out?

Keep making excuses for this loser, OP. Keep making excuses for why you keep making the bad decision to stay with this loser and you know what he's going to be 5 years from now? * A loser.* Except you will have foolishly had 2 or 3 kids with him by then and will be using the excuse that you can't leave him _"because of the chilllllddddrrrreeennnnn." _

If I had a dime for every woman who continued to desperately cling to a loser while he dragged her down into the mud with him, I'd own my own island.

Take off the rose-colored glasses, OP. Take them ALL the way off.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> . I think I'll stick to playing video games for an hour


Are you married? I haven't found any women who find a man playing video games attractive.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> Are you married? I haven't found any women who find a man playing video games attractive.


No worries. You aren’t worth the time at this point.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Consider what happens when you do divorce him.
He will be forced to work or be homeless. So stop making it easy for him to be irresponsible.

He needs to learn life skills. If he won’t then divorce him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> If he wants to build a decent career. Get into construction. Something like plumbing, electrical, A/C, etc. They are all in high demand and dont care anything about degrees. If you hire on as a laborer and show some initiative, they will teach you the trade. Here in the south, if your A/C breaks in summer, people want you knocking on the door before they hang up the phone. Same goes for plumbers, electricians, and handyman services. He could learn plumbing and make 25.00 or more an hour in two years as a journeyman. Become a master plumber and start your own business making 100k or more a year


Generally you are spot on.
but i have to point this one potential problem out. He is lazy.

after trade school, you apprentice. someone hires you. if you are not pulling your weight, and enthusiastically working and trying to learn the trade, they fire you after a one month trial. after being fired another three times and not clicking in the local trade pool, you are blacklisted, and your trade school work is flushed down the drain.

so in this guy's case, going to trade school is not a certain path to a good career!

but still, it is probably the best path for him to try. He obviously is not the right personality to thrive in college.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah. Literally anybody can get a job right now. He just doesn't want one because he's reverted back to his teenage days.


Agree. In my field of engineering the job market has never been hotter from what I can tell.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

LottieMay said:


> My big question: Because I tend to do most of the housework and breadwinning, am I enabling him to be lazy? What should I do if I am...should I just let the bills go unpaid and stop cleaning (I've already done that to a point)? Could it be depression that needs my support?


You can't beat depression, he's your husband and you are not his father so, yeah, let him be.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

In this case the word loser doesn’t need to be at the beginning of the sentence to use a capital L.

Honey you sound like a good catch of of a woman… I can’t believe you are wasting your time on this dud.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sometimes, and I’m not saying it’s you, one spouse thinks they’re so capable and can do everything right, that they start taking over everything. This can add to depression and dependence. Take some time to think about what he was like before and early in your marriage. (Alternatively, some people also pick a partner like this, one who will never leave them, keeping them dependant and making them feel worthless, until they eventually partner up on the side and let them go 😉)

If this is not you, then stop doing things slowly and be his biggest cheer squad when he does do a chore, even if the laundry isn’t looking how you want it. Trust me, it’s not stupid to get excited about removing a stain or finding a faster way to fold if you and your spouse can be excited about it.

Compliments go such a long way, and feeling like your spouse is happy for you, no matter how small your daily goal is, be excited for him when he slowly does something great, yes it could be depression. Let him find his way and cheer him on. From little things, big things grow. Yeah I can remember being unable to do much at one stage except find a bargain at the supermarket, but sharing that with my husband and him also thinking that was pretty cool lifted me up during a brief time when I didn’t have a lot of hope. Things progress quickly when someone values the small things. Let him make a start, don’t give him ideas or motivate him, but as soon as you see a glimpse of something, anything that gives him joy, jump on it!

I hope it works out, it was really caring the way you posed your question, you weren’t complaining or belittling him, it shows you don’t resent him and that you love him.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> Sometimes, and I’m not saying it’s you, one spouse thinks they’re so capable and can do everything right, that they start taking over everything. This can add to depression and dependence. Take some time to think about what he was like before and early in your marriage. (Alternatively, some people also pick a partner like this, one who will never leave them, keeping them dependant and making them feel worthless, until they eventually partner up on the side and let them go 😉)
> 
> If this is not you, then stop doing things slowly and be his biggest cheer squad when he does do a chore, even if the laundry isn’t looking how you want it. Trust me, it’s not stupid to get excited about removing a stain or finding a faster way to fold if you and your spouse can be excited about it.
> 
> ...


At last a post that makes sense.


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## Kamerlytan (10 mo ago)

LottieMay said:


> My big question: Because I tend to do most of the housework and breadwinning, am I enabling him to be lazy? What should I do if I am...should I just let the bills go unpaid and stop cleaning (I've already done that to a point)? Could it be depression that needs my support?


I feel this on sooo many levels!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, repeat, getting loans or credit cards is not acquiring income; it's simply creating short or long term debt that will need to be paid. Second engineering is a very demanding program, so something more modest makes sense. I assume you have no children. Compliment sandwiches are good (compliments before and after the tough talk) and people have a right to pick their profession. A family member is happy as a substitute teacher and the reliable if limited income is better than sporadic pay and unrealized high hopes from a sales position.


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