# I want my relatives to never be around



## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm considered the black sheep of my family, actually, it would better be classified as white, for my values are towards positive, selfless directions rather then theirs, which are petty, selfish and greedy.

I found the love of my life, we are going to be married, and she too is from a dysfunctional family, and probably one of the reasons we value being able to lean on each other for everything.

I am moving back into their area, it has required I live 3 hours away from all of them in the past, but I have decided I like and miss the area, just not the people, well, at least the relatives. I do not want their drama and baggage to follow me "us" around when I move, and it would be nice to keep them totally out of my hair, keeping communication to a halt and never having contact with them.

Some of you might say, "give them another chance", but I stopped counting "second chances" after 50, and in each and every case, it always ended in heartache, so, we are done, but since they are the type that enjoy gossip, I know they are going to do their best to pry into the situation. These people on the surface may appear normal, but underneath that, they absolutely are not, and in fact, embarrassingly out of control at times. I'm much more conservative then they, the same with my sweetie, and we clearly would never fit in with them even if we tried.

Any advice will be helpful, I don't want to damage my relationship having to be subject to them, and I want to spare my sweetie from being subjected to them entirely.


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## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

I wish I could have never had to deal with in-laws, unfortunately mine were so undermining in my relationship with my fiance that it caused us to break-up. Now I am left to raise our daughter by myself as a direct result of him being unable to stand-up to his family and draw some clearer boundaries. It's a shame, but what can we do? That just seems to be the way life goes sometimes, even if it's not what we want...


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

I remember reading somewhere, your first priorities need to be about your immediate family, as in your spouse and children, that the rest of the family should always take a back seat to it.

I look to these people, and honestly, if they had my best interest in mind, they could have done so much to help, but they refused to make any effort, and why I found things that help me get ahead, I'd face nothing but scrutiny, and in some cases, out right hostility, that I'm supposed to always be subordinate to their own circumstance.

Are you still in touch with your x? If so, have you talked to him about why it was selfish for your inlaws to be meddling with you and his relationship, that you two should have been first and foremost, in spite if it's PC with his extended family? I hope there is still hope for both of you. Sometimes it just takes just talking to work out the past, forgive and move forward again, life is too short not to at least try, and if you two had something, surely it can stand the test of time and present circumstance you two currently are facing.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

So if you want to stay away from your crazy families, then how is that complicated? just stay away from them. Do you mean you want them in your life in a healthy way? Or do you want them out of your life completely?


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

My Aunt and Uncle have been the only ones that were genuine, they are welcome, but the rest, really, it's going to be a matter of them just dropping by, it will be a matter of some of them just insisting upon they keep in touch and it will always be a matter of "tell you what you need to do", and from there, the battle will ensue.

They seem nice on the surface, and in fact, they are better with total strangers, but once you are part of their family, it's about gossip, who can put down whom, and the games and dysfunction as to their attitudes and general politics ensure in short order.

How do you just give them the could shoulder, and get the point across that this is not just for a little while, this is for good and for good reason with no turning back ever. I'm basically saying, have you had to face a situation where you go in one hand, if they remained outside of my life, you will have nothing but good things on the plate, if you allow them to barge in as they always do, things will go sour entirely due to their presence.

I'll take a nice example here, my brother calls me up, I tell him he's burning minutes on my cell that I don't have, and he's insisting upon me to stay on the line while he points out something I've researched in full long ago, just so he can attempt to prove a point for the sheer sake of vanity. Total and complete disrespect for my time, much less the extra money I am now burning up that at the time, I simply did not have. You see, he can't see that others around him are not so well off, that for him, to bounce around $5k is nothing, and he can't understand why others can't just do the same with imaginary money to solve their financial problems....

He's pretty typical of them, and this utter lack of being able to see something from anything but their closed minded, with blinders on perspective is alien to their thought process. This is the very stuff I am talking about and why I do not want to expose my sweetie to, or else she too will have to deal with the same plague as myself. 

Believe me, the direct approach has been done, many times, yet it doesn't work, always, they keep coming back, and always, it ends up with the same results. In fact, right now I'm enjoying a little break from them, for having told them to go away and not in a good way, but I know it's not going to last, so now I'm asking for advice here.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you just need to keep things clear ,dont be afraid to say no you cant come round . set boundaries and stick to them.
If they continue to be a problem just be straight and tell them they are no longer welcome in your life
but saying that giving up a few hours a week to be with your family is it that bad ... maybe its you who needs to slow down and be grateful they want to be a part of your life.
it all comes down to setting boundaries so you all know where you stand.
I value my familys imput into our lifes both sets of grandparents are great for babysitting at short notice .. dont throw away your family unless it starts to destroy your marriage


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

OldFashionedGuy said:


> How do you just give them the could shoulder, and get the point across that this is not just for a little while, this is for good and for good reason with no turning back ever.


This is the root of the problem. How do you be the jerk? is what you are asking. How do you potentially say, or do, something that will royally piss them off and you are now the one no one is talking to. you have become the jerk. 

You'll have to learn to change the way you see yourself in this scenerio. You see yourself as the jerk just as much as they do. that's the problem. you do not have a solid understanding of what you are doing, why you are doing it, only that you dont like what they are doing to you. you are reacting, instead of acting.



OldFashionedGuy said:


> Total and complete disrespect for my time, much less the extra money I am now burning up that at the time, I simply did not have. You see, he can't see that others around him are not so well off, that for him, to bounce around $5k is nothing, and he can't understand why others can't just do the same with imaginary money to solve their financial problems...


So here is how i would handle the situation. Id get really pissed off and hang up since he wasnt listening to me. but im also new to setting boundaries with my family. that would be the wrong way to deal with it. that would also be reacting out of frustration and impatience. I actually had to really piss my sister off today. I wont go into the details, but i think i handled it well. I got a little angry, but i controlled my temper and tried to talk reasonably. I cant stand that sister, though. she's an idiot in my book (im sure my attitude does not help). I have four older sisters, and a very dysfunctional family.

So here is an ideal way to handle this particular situation. this is the goal, remember. setting boundaries is messy. it rarely goes as planned. but you just keep trying and eventually it gets better (believe it or not, you will eventually employ these very tactics in your marriage. so might as well practice them on the family and get it right, so its not so messy when it comes to your wife): 

while on the phone explain that you would love to talk to him when you have free minutes. He continues to talk. Tell him you really do care about him and although you are going to have to hang up on him, it in no way means you do not want to talk to him. Let him know you are going to respect your needs, and if he wants to call you later he can. then hang up. yes, that's right. HANG UP. otherwise, deal with the resentment, the anger, and the bill. its your choice. 

To avoid any further confrontations, you can also only answer his calls when you have free minutes. 

You will be the bad guy. get over it. but learn. learn how to set boundaries with your family. and find some humility. humility will go a long way when you try and set boundaries.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

it's hard to bow down and respect values that are absolutely selfish, that is what I would be having to do with them.......... to fit in with them............


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## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

OldFashionedGuy said:


> Are you still in touch with your x? If so, have you talked to him about why it was selfish for your inlaws to be meddling with you and his relationship, that you two should have been first and foremost, in spite if it's PC with his extended family?



We still are in touch and I have made him aware of all my concerns. The problem is that he is too afraid to stand up to his family and set boundaries and until he does that none of the issues will be resolved. Any future reconciliation would come out of him taking those actions and until he does that it is going to be pretty hard to move forward as a couple rather than two individuals.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

Can I ask how old both of you are? I ask this because we often confuse chronological age with wisdom, and it's obvious he respects them in this area which clearly should not be the case. Literally, the last message I sent my parents was simply to grow up. 

They got married and had kids when they were way too young, there were certain areas they never had to grow up within. This has them in the mindset, which seems like the same one you face, that we as adults, are still not old enough to make the best decisions on our own, that we need their guidance, which is absolutely not necessary. I literally had to explain to my mother what a player is, she honestly didn't have a clue, and I certainly had to learn that lesson over and over again the hard way, for I am no player and players and non players never mix.

It's about respect, getting him to respect himself for who he is as a capable adult that doesn't need mommy and daddy to cottle him, for him to stand up and make his own decisions without them. Also, on your end, to make it clear that you are there to support him with his decisions, for he should not be afraid to make them and that having a good woman behind him, he should feel fully confident within this.

I hope this helps you two come out to your own, to claim your roll as the next generation of fully capable adults, and are very much self sufficient, for you two are a team.


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## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

OldFashionedGuy said:


> Can I ask how old both of you are?


He is 27 and I am 25.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

You guys are still young, it's an impressionable age to be at, and is part of the reason there still are those family ties dictating things for him, for in a way, he still thinks he's supposed to be just the child, when in reality, it's time to step up to the plate and join the ranks of being the head of the family.

This is in no way unique, the older generation, just as in my case, hate having to step down, they think they know better, but in reality, their views are outdated. My mother insists upon being the center of mine, she just cannot stand it if anybody is in conflict with her perspective and lead, it sounds like you are facing the same with your inlaw. I have a few examples for you here that you might also be facing on it. She absolutely insists upon everything she happens to be into, that everybody else must as well and if they are not, she will hound you until you do. The latest fiasco was this stupid new age thing called the secret, what a load of tripe and even worse, it leads people into going areas the living have no business in, really scary stuff there. Then I get her and the rest of them insisting we all use this one dentist, they sang nothing but praises about the guy, only to find out months later, they hated him the whole time, that he was just horrible. 

I look to that and realize, this person is so wishy washy, they absolutely are not one to be following their lead on at all. Let me know if you are dealing with those issues as well, and if so, bringing this stuff to the surface may help him see things more clearly, that he doesn't need to be subordinate to them at all and he can and should be his own man, making his own decisions and doing so, good or bad, mistakes or successes, he made them, not them.


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## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Here is one of my previous posts with more information.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3189-mama-s-boy-should-i-stay.html


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

I read it, it helps with the context of your situation, I commented on it as well, hopefully it will give you a working approach, it will in the least get you out of this state of limbo and let you move forward, one way or the other.

It's hard to relate to people like that, they have the world at their disposal, and they do not value what they have in the first place, it's about priorities more then anything else.


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