# Please help me understand latest actions



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Briefly, my background. I've been in a good marriage for 28 years, or I thought. Husband had an affair that lasted 8 months. He was got caught, did not come clean, 'bc he could not hurt her"

I have been following everyone posts and threads that are in about the same situation as I am. A lot of them I could have written myself.

Since the affair was uncovered (1month ago yesterday) I have been struggling to come to terms with all and where I want to be.


I told my husband I am on the fence, and we're in MC ad IC. 

Anger and rage have morph into a new more calm, matter of fact,new reality. 

This is where I need help in understand the turn of events for me.Yesterday and today txt's to each other seemed to be going into the direction of his needs, what he need in a relationship, what kind of partner he wants in this relationship, doubting now if I can be 100 % there with him in any future relationship. When I try to explain, I can't answer,but I do know this will always be apart of who I am now, he's response, "I don't know if I can live with that . I want total commitment ." 

This am txt, instead of coming home from his trip, he is thinking of visiting his brother.No problem.(Single 54yr old) 

He txted back about seeing what single life is like. I txted back, Is this something you are leaning towards, to help you find out where the fracture was for you?" He goes on to say to txt, "there must be a reason the window was open and I have to find it." He also went on, "while it matters to him what I want,it also matters to him what he wants. I don't want to be a husband in name only,I want to contribute to who you are . I want to lift your spirits again. Not remind you of a nightmare."


It seems to me, and I told him, that his affair has shifted in the direction of him, and how the affair has caused the suffering for him, & his wants & needs for this relationship than what he can do for me in this relationship. It is almost like he feels the affair has shatter him and he is now questioning everything for him.

Please, someone, can anyone give me their insight ?


PS Sorry if it seemed I tried ever to high jack a thread... never meant too.(new at this... more ways than one )


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Maybe your H is trying to figure out why he hurts you or needs the affair partner, what is lacking in both himself and your marriage. Maybe it is a good thing on his part.

I can't remember if you are going to councelling, I think I read that you are, which is also a step in the right direction for your H.

I'm no expert but just wanted to comment and maybe give you some hope as to what is going on.

Hope things work out for you the way you want them.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Just where do you fit in while he is on this self discovery mission? Sounds like too many I's and Me's in his words. That actually tells you alot unfortunately!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, it has been a few years since I went through that stage. I do remember how confusing and hurtful all of that was. Remember that a wayward spouse rewrites the marriage history. In essence I believe you might be seeing that and him trying to justify his actions. Also, an affair lasting eight months was still "new" and made him feel like people feel when they are "in love". Many cheaters like to remain in both worlds. They want to have the safety net of their marriage, but also get to enjoy the "high" which comes from the new relationship. Your husband is probably trying to work through his internal conflicts.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Sammy:
Your circumstance is so closely related to my situation it is scary. Married 28 years. 6 month affair. H blames me. No real remorse on his side. The OW gave him attention. H= 54 years.
His now hanging with his brother (55) who is ditching his wife of 33 years. I am so upset right now, I can't even continue. Read my threads and posts. Take Care.
Very Hurt


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