# Could this guy be the OM/



## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

Although I have initiated seperation from my wife (I posted some weeks back and acted on most of the excellent advice I recieved) I have still to obtain proof positive, however I am in a far better place now, so much so, that I was thinking over the idea that I had possibly missed a lot of evidence, especially while I was in that dark place most of you have been to! Anyways, I have put together a series of events that when looked at in context suggested the identity of the OM. Any comments would be gratefully recieved!

My wife enrolled on a computer course at our local college with the intention of obtaining some certificates in order to increse her chances of getting a decent job, we were already into the suspected affair territory, at a time when I wasnt thinking straight.

My wife was already working in a youth care home doing , for the most part, solo nights and days, fitting the course in as and when. I suggested that when she was on night shift, I could IM her on Hotmail on her office computer, she stated that wasn't possible, they were not allowed to use them, only their intranet.
Some two weeks later I found an email from her, to her course tutor stating "D****, if you need to contact me, I can access my emails at home or at work". I pointed this out to her and she said "I dont remember sending an email like that". 
On several occasions she would attend the college at1730hrs this was a day course! She stated she was trying to catch up with her work , she also said," What are you think, I am going to meet someone at the college!"
On one occasion, we both went up to collect my daughter from the same college, as I began to pull away from the college, she said "Hold on, theres the computer guy, don't drive past him, wait till he's gone!"
Then in the space of a week she became agitated and talked more and more about not being sure if it was worth continuing with the course and did I think she should discontinue, well, i TOLD HER IF IT WAS TOO MUCH THEN THE ANSWER WAS SIMPLE, STOP GOING. This went on for a few days and she seemed to be making a mountain out of a molehill, I finally said,if it is causing you problems trying to make your mind up,leave, you can always go back next year. The following morning she asked me to take her up in the car, now, call me suspicious, but it is quite normal in our college system, if you wish to leave a part time course, you can do it by phone, no problema all. When we pulled up in the car park I got out to go into the college with her, she said "theres no need to come in with me,its a room with a lot of people in it, you will feel embarassed, I said OK, I will wait downstairs in the reception area, No she says, I said whats the problem, she says nothing and turned and disssappeared inside, she came out 15 minutes later looking, not upset exactly, more morose. The male in question, her tutor had told her about his son with autism, where he lived where he went on holiday, she knew of his arrangements for his son when he and his wife needed respite and how difficult it was at Xmas etc etc
I have a feeling about this, anybody else with a dispassionate view???


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

In my experience and reading from the array of good folks here, what your gut tells you persistently is almost always the right answer. It's almost uncanny how often people look back and realize they _knew_ more than they thought until they looked back.


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

Thanks for that, my now clear head continues to do so, and previous events from way back inyears, now seem to be telling a different story!!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Your antennae are correct especially the comment about waiting for the computer guy to leave before heading out. She did not want him to see her with you. Period.

I agree with 2xloser, trust your instincts even if your head is saying no with logical, avoidance reasons.

Looking back myself, there were red flags and I finally acted on them. Better late than never. Wished I had from the first date.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> Looking back myself, there were red flags and I finally acted on them.


Ohhhhhhh don't we all wish we had!! :smthumbup:


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - sounds like she was struggling with trying to go "cold turkey" with him and keeping you.

I think it would have behooved you to seize the moment as a man and get down to the nitty gritty and bust up this love triangle.


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

Fully intend to, I have one outstanding phone number that permanently rejects calls from our landline, my cell, and her cell, however, it accepted a call from her mothers landline, I made the call while they were out shopping!! I cancelled the call prior to it being answered, however, I had never met this guy, and I wouldnt have recognised his voice.Her mothers house is obviously a safe house for her regarding contacting whoever it is.Unfortuneately England has laws that prevent cell companies divulging who the registered owner of a cell is. As far as manning up and busting the triangle, all I was faced with would have been absolute denial and no progress.Instead I am playing the dumb a"" now as advised here and it has payed already, I have more info, yes, not probative but I know this will eventually spill into the light and all will be revealed!!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you filed for divorce already, do you need to know?
Deceit is deceit. I mean, I walk by a zillion puzzles and games and crosswords every year I don't need to solve. In our state you can get a divorce just by wanting one, you don't have to prove anything or name names. I checked 'irreconcilable differences'. He lies and deceives and I don't. That's fairly honest in terms of paperwork. 
Is it a guy thing to want to know? I mean, I know of who my H was emailing and I know another woman definitely was stalking him and trashtalking me (and have a witness who would testify to that in court if needed, or for a restraining order), and I know who he went to see with a bottle of wine after he got back from his deployment with a view towards getting it on. I think 3 is my limit...I have a feeling there's more but at that point I think about his life and I get exhausted and go back to my literature studies and my day to day life that involves satisfying only one woman: me. 

From a logical perspective, does knowing gain you anything other than someone to have to resist urges to take revenge against? 

I exposed woman #1 to her husband (and extended family, and because of small town, a lot of other people too). Woman #2 had someone approach her husband and tell her that she was pretty darn close to having a restraining order and the police had a file on her that didn't just include me but some of her neighbors as well. Woman #3 I just feel sorry for, I guess she didn't get the story straight from woman #2 about why I left, woman #2 made something up. 

Take it from me, sometimes what is going on is so complicated and nonsensical that you are just better off going to the movies, because most films at least have some kind of artistic and meaningful resolution that you can walk away from, having enjoyed your popcorn.


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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

Homemaker one side of me agrees with you, the other says I have kept her totally and willingly looked after her and her health problems, (all in the last eighteen months) sold personal stuff, you name it, my yacht and my guitar ( it is a man thing!!) took her on holiday and all while I was trying to bury the instinct that was telling me there was and had been something wrong. She has lied, been caught out lied again and again (standard script) She has looked me in the eye and , had I not kept a diary of her answers to questions, I wouldnt have been able to catch her out in small things on successive occasions over the last eighteen months. Its betrayal of me and her children, and I firmly believe that the consequences of her lies and deceipt belong firmly at her own doorstep. The thought of her maintaining this lie especially to my children is wrong.
They are old enough now to form there own minds as to their mothers behaviour, they have already decided that I am totally off the mark and I am causing problems where there is none, understandable really, their relationship with their mother is poles apart from mine., my daughter , who is 20yrs old totally believes her mother is not capable of adultery. 
So, I will finish this despite the fact we are getting divorced and despite the fact she is now not in the best of health, I want the kids to have the whole truth, because knowing the truth will remove her victim status with kids and family and then, and only then, will I close it off in my mind.


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