# I would really appreciate some guidance here ...



## Sp00nFed (Apr 15, 2011)

Been married ~11 years and if I was to be honest, it's been hit and miss. I'm 35 and she is 31. We've had some good times and some bad, but recently, it's been more bad than good! Let me explain!

We've got two kids together - a boy who's almost 2 and a girl who's almost 4, and they are both very trying. He's going through the 'terrible 2's,' albeit it a little early, and our little girl is constantly throwing temper tantrums. I can deal with this, but it is becoming more difficult. 

What I am really struggling with is an event that happened late last year. Typically, we hang out with our neighbors most nights and after weeks and weeks of long days at work, I started not wanting to hang out all the time. One night, one of the neighbors -- he is going through a divorce of his own, his wife cheated on him -- made a pass at my wife when she was very drunk. She rejected him, felt sick, and came home and told me about it. I wasn't happy, but we discussed what happened, and we both agreed that she wouldn't have anymore contact with him and that I wouldn't do anything to him. Flash forward a few weeks, and I was checking our verizon bill and I noticed a lot, and I mean, A LOT of texting to and from her phone. There were days where they would spend 12+ hours texting! Sure enough, it was with the same guy. I confronted her about it and she swears it was just someone to talk to about things and that nothing happened. I told her then and there that I was leaving, and she swore it would never happen again. This was back in October/November of last year. I thought I/we had worked through it, but I don't think I have. Since then, she has had zero contact with him, even though he lives 2 houses away.

So, the problem I am having is as follows.

1. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this betrayal -- regardless of whether it was 'just' texting or something more. The fact she kept this from me and decided to continue a relationship with this guy (even now, while I type this) pisses me off; pardon my French!

2. I work long hours, while my wife stays at home looking after the children; I don't mind this, it's something I should do as the MAN of the house, but I don't really like going home anymore. It's always loud, a mess, our kids don't listen, and too be honest, I just look forward to the next day of work; the week-ends are almost unbearable.

3. I am seriously thinking about leaving my wife, however, we don't have a lot of money, so I know it would be tough. I am also extremenly worried how this would affect the children; but I am not willing to stay with someone just for the 'children' either.

4. I think I am depressed, but I have yet to see a DR to get an accurate diagnosis. I have yet to see a MC either, or any type of counselor at all.

I'm trying to work through what would happen if I left and am trying to understand this is a permanent decision! Trust me, it's not something I take likely. I can not answer the question as to whether I love my wife anymore, which is very sad.

I'd be really interested in hearing about others that have gone through a similar situation and how they handled it vs. the outcomes. 

Thanks!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I would recommend putting this in the 'Coping with Infidelity' Section for starters. There are lots of people who check out that section who can really help you with the emotions you are struggling with. For my part, this would be venturing into one of the most heartbreaking things that could happen in a marriage. Always, there is a high risk that there is more to the story than what she admitted. I tend to be a very confrontational person in situations like this, so my nextstep would be to confront the neighbor. 

Now, in my neighborhood, if there was any kind of interaction going on that she had not admitted, someone would've seen it. They certainly seemed to see it when I had just a little too much to drink on New Years, and decided to serenade my wife from outside in the snow. I get regular reminders. Point is, just the suggestion that one of the neighbors told you something (hint, hint) about seeing them together might be a good way to explore further.

With the children, though, this is something that you control. My daughter was very strong willed, but I found that consistency was our key in completely eliminating the tantrums. She never had them again, because the consequences were enforced immediately and consistently, plus we had the understand that she would never, ever get what she wanted if a tantrum was involved. My wife and I agree on a list of consequences, and communicated them to her. We used James Dobson' books, but you don't have to be religious to do so, and you certainly don't have to believe in spanking. My daughter was never spanked. What I'm trying to get to is that the situation with your wife shouldn't be tied to your involvement in the lives of your kids. Try to seperate the two in your mind.


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