# taking it bad



## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi after long thought and numerous posts about my relationship problems and lots of consideration I have left my dissfunctional relationship. He has not contacted me as I asked but his mother keeps ringing me and the family (she was a big part of the problem) He is friends with my cousin and have asked my cousin if he could keep an eye on him as i do care about him but just cant funtion with him anymore due to difficult behaviour. However I have heard he is in a desperate state one of which happened when I left before but went back due to his reaction of me leaving , however the same problems occured and I have had to go now. I feel much happier now I am alone and don't have to deal with the struggle everyday , I am really worried as he is crying , shaking, not eating, loosing weight, rocking on the floor and the doc has been to help him . I am so worried about him but I can't go back to that life just for his sake as i did this and I was very unhappy and he made me feel like an underdog, not intentional but his attitude is very down putting , felt unwanted and unloved was shoving tablets down my throat to avoid the pain, I had explained how I felt and what I needed him to do to help me and he ignored it. now he is falling apart, a councillor told me my demands are not unrealistic and he was being juvinille . I am so worried about him what do I do please ??? and what shouldn't I do , I have had no contact with him and don't want any.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You may not have been in contact with him directly, but if you're still getting updates from your cousin, you're still in contact. The best thing you can do is to let your cousin know that you don't want to hear any more about your ex's situation. Through these ongoing updates, you're just as enmeshed as if you were in the same house. His reactions, his actions going forward, etc. are all up to him now, you should leave him to those and let HIS family and HIS friends help him if they're so inclined. You're out of there. It's not your place anymore. Wish him well, and let it go as best you can. But step back and let those good wishes be enough otherwise your relationship isn't ever going to really BE over.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

COG has it right. You are not responsible for him or his happiness; he is. Sounds like he had you convinced you were, and that's why you continue to seek out information. Cut the ties, completely. Does it seem "cold?" Yep. Is it? No, it is self-preservation-it is the only thing you can or should be doing right now. 

Let go and move on. Get some counseling b/c even though you had the strength to leave, you are likely still vulnerable to unhealthy attachments, and you don't want to go through this again with someone else. 

His "suffering" is not evidence of his love for you, by the way. It is evidence either that he is hoping (subconsciously) to manipulate you into getting back with him, to "save" him, or it is about his fear and neediness. No one can provide him with the emotional guarantees he wants, but controlling you through put-downs, etc, gave him an illusion of control and helped him keep his anxieties at bay. Now that you are gone, he'll probably wait to see if you come back and then, when you don't, he will very quickly find another victim; oops, I mean, "girlfriend." He is in genuine pain--but it is his pain stemming from his emotional immaturity. That's why your therapist called him juvenile; he's acting like it. 

Good for you for realizing you had to move on. Hang in there; things will get better.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I am going to give a resounding "AMEN" to both posts above. Please take them to heart. They are telling you the God's honest truth. Breaking all contact means breaking ALL contact. No updates from the cousin. NONE. That will be the kindest thing you could do for yourself, and you need some kindness right now.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

what a great sensible bunch you all are thanks very much , this is my attitude but it does tend to leave one feeling a bit hard faced doesn't it ?? bless ya:iagree:


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