# Should I give up? Please help



## confused2 (Aug 28, 2008)

Hi everyone. I could really use some advice here...I honestly don't know what to do about my marriage and this situation. My counseling appointment isn't for a month and I really need advice now before I make any mistakes that I might regret.


Well, my hubby and I have been married for 6 years. We have had a pretty rocky marriage towards the last few years and there has been plenty of talk about divorce and seperating, mostly on my end. I haven't been very happy for a while now with him. We have a 5 year old girl together which is the reason I think we have stayed together this long. If it wasn't for her and I positive that we would have been apart years ago.

So, there has been plenty of problems due to his mental illness. I believe he is a borderline, which I have read up on and it pretty much describes him perfectly. Although he always refused to get any help for it and even if he did talk to someone, I doubt he would honestly tell them what he is thinking, so I don't know that it would do any good. But, I have dealt with emotional abuse from him (a few times it was physical) for a long time now and I think I am at the point where I finally am realizing that his treatment towards me isn't normal.

So,to try and make a long story short, I have been working nights for 5 years now.Since our daughter was old enough, we deceided that financially the only way we could get by is if I worked at night while he watched our daughter instead of putting her into a daycare. So, things seemed to work okay this way and I normally felt glad to not to have to see him most nights because we were fighting all of the time. I was better off not around and might as well make money while Im not home with our daughter.

So...my husband has always been very jealous and possessive. We would fight alot about me having friends or going out after work. Most of the time he would "forbid" me to go out after work because that is not what married women do. It has always been about him and what he wants and my feelings or needs have been pushed to the side so many times.I finally deceided that I was going to do what makes me happy. I am a waitress and bartender and of course I meet alot of people and make alot of freinds. I enjoy doing thisw sortof work, of course it's not ideal for any wife to be doing I suppose, but its good money and I enjoy it, so I thought it's someting he needs to just deal with. 

He has insisted that I quit many jobs that I have had and has caused problems for me at most of them. Once I make any friends that I might want to go out with one night or hang out after work with, he gets furious and insists that I quit the job. He just cant' take it that I know people and have a life outside of him...and I don;t think that's right. I have every right to have my own life and my own things going on, don't I? I get into this trap where I think maybe he is right and maybe I should give up the job, so I have. Then, I end up resenting him because I have no money or that I quit working at nights to stay home with him when all he does is ignore me and watch tv or argue with me. So, each time this has happened, I end up finding another job doing the same thing because #1) I like this work #2) We need the money and #3) To have my own life and get away from being smothered by him.


So..to get to the current situation, for the past 4 months I have been seeing someone else. I really like this guy and he really likes me. He is very nice and tells me that he wants to take my away from all of BS that I am dealing with with my husband and that I can move in with him anytime I need. I feel as though I have fallen in love with this new man because I just cannot stop thinking about him. I am sure he has his own faults as well, which I just haven't seen yet, but it sounds like such a relief to have an escape from the **** I have been dealing with for years now with my husband.

Anyway, I told my husband about this because I deceided that I am sick of lying to him. I think he already knew something was going on deep down anyway, which is why he has tried to be nicer lately. So, he took it better than I expected, but also told me that I have to quit both of my jobs. (I have been working at 2 different places, one of them I have been there for over a year and the other only 2 months) He basically gave me an ultimatum and said that if I don't quit them, then our relationship isn't going to work and we might as well call it quits. Well...i really don't want to quit. I already blew one job off because I was in such a deep deression after telling him of this I just never went. Now, I amscheduled to work at the other job this week and last night he told me that I can't go. Who is he to tell me what I can and can't do? I am sick of being treated like I am some sort of prisoner. And..honestly I don't know if I want to stop talking to this other guy or not. A big part of me doesn't want to and thinks I might be making a mistake by breaking it off. I don't see my husband and I ever being happy again, espeically now. Since I have told him of this he is stuck to me like glue. I can't even go into the bathroom without him barging in, probably thinking I am calling the other guy. He took my cell phone and hid it and I havent' seen it since...in a way not working and being able to stay home with my daughter sounds wonderful...but I have a big feeling that I will be very remorseful about it and regret it. I enjoy making my own money and having my own thing going on. Years ago when I had our daughter, I didn't work and was home all of the time...,this is what my husband liked. He was in charge and knew that I was bascailly his 'prisoner'. I didn't even have a car to leave either, which I am sure made him even more happy to know that I was stuck there.

He is now continually making me feel guilty for everything. He tells me that any normal married women should not be in a bar at night and should be home with her family. Which is true in a way, BUT I am not just hanging out in the bar, I am working and making money! He also threatens that he is going to fight for custody of our daughter if we split up, telling me that a judge will not allow custody to me because of the work that I do and hours. 

I know that I don't want to be controlled and I know that iswhat he is trying to do. Even if I didn't work in a bar, I would still have the chance of meeting someone else...and if I was truly in love with my husband and happy with our marraige, I wouldn't think of something like that. I think that he thinks if I am home and ONLY with him all of the time, then it would work. I don't want that....I like being me. I like having friends and other things to do outside of him. He doesn't like doing anything but being with me...ALL of the time. He has no interestd, no hobbies...has freinds but he would never consider seeing them if it's a night that I will be around. Its like I am the only thing he has, which is what he has made it seem like. I feel so smothered by him..and I understand that I have cheated and that has made him worse in that sense...but there isn't anything I can do about it now. Except quit my job and be his prisoner and never leave the house unless we are together???

I just don't know what to do...he keeps telling me that he loves and wants us to fix things, yet refuses to be understanding about me enjoying the work I am doing. If I bring it up, he says that he will leave and not watch our daughter that night when I am supposed to work. He is trying to make is impossible for me to have my own life....I cant' do this again. I have done it plenty of times and eachtime I end up resenting him for it. Then, we end up not having enough money for things and fighting about that and I blame him that he made me quit my job and now we can't pay bills or I can't buy our daughter any school clothes,etc.

I just need help terribly. I don't know what to do. Is he right in telling me to quit my jobs? Is he right to tell me that I can no longer work in this field of work if I want to remain married to him? I think I am just scared to see what life would be like without him...he has always been there for me and although I wasn't always happy, at least I always knew he loved me, whether its true love or just his illness showing and himbeing clingy as possible.


I would love any feedback..please be nice. I know what I have done is wrong, but...I sort of feel like it was going to happen sooner or later. I guess I am truly just not happy with him and need to do something about it? Ughhh,.,,please help


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

confused2 said:


> Is he right in telling me to quit my jobs? Is he right to tell me that I can no longer work in this field of work if I want to remain married to him? I think I am just scared to see what life would be like without him...he has always been there for me and although I wasn't always happy, at least I always knew he loved me, whether its true love or just his illness showing and himbeing clingy as possible.
> 
> ok this part of the quote is the confusing bit. you are very torn in your feelings.
> you have already in your heart moved on - you met someone else. your smiling again. yet your scared to leave your hubby for life without him.
> ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

There are ways to handle controlling people. It can get better. There is counseling and books you can read. 

As far as him getting physical, my H got physical with me. He is inclined to be that way. I have to continually reinforce boundaries with him and let him know immediately when he's being physically controlling. He really just isnt aware of it most of the time. but there are ways to diffuse the situation on a day-to-day basis so it doesnt get out of control. You just cant let them think even the smallest form of physical control is ok. you have to identify it for them immediately and set consequences when they dont respect your boundaries. 

You have to be firm but loving when you pursue things outside of his comfort zone. 

but of course, the affair complicates things. these 'type' of men will follow you because its part of your personality. you are rebounding with the other guy. you'll have problems with him probably not a lot different then what you have with your H.


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