# Caught Husband Masturbating, how am I supposed to react?



## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...

Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stays in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half, I woke up thirsty. On my way to the kitchen, I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone. As I got closer, I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stopped and looked at me all surprised, and then he said, "You were sleeping," and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was shocked. This was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain, and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what just happened. When I walked out, he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, this is a problem I have." I like touching myself and I haven't stopped since I was a teenager. " I told him, "I don't want to talk about it right now; I can't think; I'm so confused, just leave me alone," and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confuse me, that he loves me and it won't happen again.

I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know it is not like he was cheating on me, but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had since we are very sexual and passionate. Even during pregnancy, the longest time without sex was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back, even when I asked him and he simply lied about it. As a woman, I feel so little. All I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband, and all this time I thought I did." Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, out of town, or upset with each other, but we had sex yesterday morning, and still, he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please, I need help, I need advice!!!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing I can almost gurantee you have accomplished is put him into a position where he will lie and try and hide it better.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Masturbation is normal and he did nothing wrong. Even if he has sex with you every day - even twice a day! - he will still occasionally want to masturbate. Almost every man does, and it has nothing to do with their wives or relationships or their quality or their attraction to you.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I'm stuck with a husband who masturbates chronically, has excluded me in the past and screwed up his own body. Despite that, I wholeheartedly believe that masturbation is healthy and necessary. 

If your sex life is good and he is invested in your pleasure, does it interfere? Is it the porn or the masturbation that is the problem? 

He loves you. He desires you. You are his wife. Keep an open mind and be honest with him, not accusing. I would never suggest you ask him to give up masturbation but perhaps he can include you? You can make videos together, have fun.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Your reaction is exactly why men hide it. You've pretty much guaranteed that he'll now hide his sexual self from you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Give him a hand.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Your reaction is exactly why men hide it. You've pretty much guaranteed that he'll now hide his sexual self from you.


I don't want that to happen, that's why I haven't answer his calls, because I don't know how to react... I do feel hurt because I honestly believe that it has something to do with me... I guess is because I would rather be touch than touch myself unless, I'm not interested in the person anymore


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Masturbation is normal and he did nothing wrong. Even if he has sex with you every day - even twice a day! - he will still occasionally want to masturbate. Almost every man does, and it has nothing to do with their wives or relationships or their quality or their attraction to you.


I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> I don't want that to happen, that's why I haven't answer his calls, because I don't know how to react... I do feel hurt because I honestly believe that it has something to do with me... I guess is because I would rather be touch than touch myself unless, I'm not interested in the person anymore


Maybe you could explore integrating masturbation (on both your parts) into your sexual repertoire. My W and I occasionally do this and it adds a nice bit of spicy variety.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> One thing I can almost gurantee you have accomplished is put him into a position where he will lie and try and hide it better.


Then, what should I do so that wont happen?...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you. 

From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives. 

It is quick and simple. They don't want to come to their wives for stress release. He was being considerate. With a baby you need your sleep. 

I think of it like this, as long as it is not a substitute for sex, it is his body, I don't own it. It is a private thing and we allow each other privacy. 

Sometimes women get into a habit of treating men like one of their kids by trying to control everything they do. 

Try to avoid this. You will not be happy with a man who has to explain himself and who is totally controlled by you. 

Allow each other the gift of ownership of your bodies that you share with each other. Preserve privacy. 

It is not the same as secrecy. He is not doing anything wrong, it's normal so cut him some slack and try to understand.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> Then, what should I do so that wont happen?...


The guarantee isn't a guarantee. Talk to him. Ask him questions. Apologize for your reaction and tell him you live him. 

Guys get so angry on here about this kind of situation that they take it out on people who had a real life shock and didn't know how to handle it. You in no way guaranteed he will hide his sexuality from you or that he will lie about it. 

You didn't even mention the porn. If you had done that I can't imagine the backlash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?


Are you available, willing, and able 24x7? You have to sleep sometime, and he may be awake, or you're out somewhere, etc. Besides, while it is usually better when someone else is doing it to you, sometimes it's just a matter of getting a release as quickly and easily as possible - he can do that better than you, guaranteed. So, unless he's actually neglecting you, there's nothing to worry about.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I have a good sex life with my wife and that has nothing to do with my masturbating. Besides liking the feeling, I also do it as to satisfy myself to not bother her later. She has been really good after a long LD spell, so I feel as if I got something the night before, I can do what I need to do if I'm still horny (which is always due to my HD).

Your H jerking off has nothing to do with your sex life, besides possibly him doing you a favor.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.
> 
> From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, all I want is this feeling to go away. I see now that is much simple than what I thought it was.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I don't have the answer, but is there any issue where there is a greater divide between men and women? My wife has verbalized the exact same concerns you do to me after finding something adult-oriented in the computer history. I can explain until I am blue in the face how it is NOT a reflection on her, how having sex with her is so much better and different than me going solo, etc.  I agree with the other posters. Express your feelings to him, but if you shame him or act like its a bigger deal than it is, he will really start going underground.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> The guarantee isn't a guarantee. Talk to him. Ask him questions. Apologize for your reaction and tell him you live him.
> 
> Guys get so angry on here about this kind of situation that they take it out on people who had a real life shock and didn't know how to handle it. You in no way guaranteed he will hide his sexuality from you or that he will lie about it.
> 
> ...


Right!? I noticed that too, I never meant to do any harm, I simply didn't know how to handle it... Thank you so much, that is very helpful


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

40isthenew20 said:


> I have a good sex life with my wife and that has nothing to do with my masturbating. Besides liking the feeling, I also do it as to satisfy myself to not bother her later. She has been really good after a long LD spell, so I feel as if I got something the night before, I can do what I need to do if I'm still horny (which is always due to my HD).
> 
> Your H jerking off has nothing to do with your sex life, besides possibly him doing you a favor.


You might be right, I just couldn't see it that way. Thank you


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

:iagree:


Catherine602 said:


> YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.
> 
> From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Wow Catherine, you nailed it.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I can relate to this. I to walked in on my Husband in the garage doing it. I was totally crushed. Not because I think it's wrong but because my Husband never wants sex without me complaining forever about it so I just marked it down as He just didn't want sex. When I walked in on Him doing that, It hit me so hard right in the gut and totally crushed me. 
He was embarrassed and I was hurt. It took me about a day to get over it and He still assures me he loves me 100% but it makes no sense to me. I could see if we had sex often but it's been two months so far and I had to ask Him if it would be possible to have sex the end of this week since it's our Anniversary!
Keep talking to Him but try not to judge Him. It is true it's a stress reliever and I wish the best for both of you.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> I don't have the answer, but is there any issue where there is a greater divide between men and women? My wife has verbalized the exact same concerns you do to me after finding something adult-oriented in the computer history. I can explain until I am blue in the face how it is NOT a reflection on her, how having sex with her is so much better and different than me going solo, etc. I agree with the other posters. Express your feelings to him, but if you shame him or act like its a bigger deal than it is, he will really start going underground.


Thank you, that does make sense


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

mitzi said:


> I can relate to this. I to walked in on my Husband in the garage doing it. I was totally crushed. Not because I think it's wrong but because my Husband never wants sex without me complaining forever about it so I just marked it down as He just didn't want sex. When I walked in on Him doing that, It hit me so hard right in the gut and totally crushed me.
> He was embarrassed and I was hurt. It took me about a day to get over it and He still assures me he loves me 100% but it makes no sense to me. I could see if we had sex often but it's been two months so far and I had to ask Him if it would be possible to have sex the end of this week since it's our Anniversary!
> Keep talking to Him but try not to judge Him. It is true it's a stress reliever and I wish the best for both of you.


Thank you so much for understanding and sharing. I will definitely talk to him and understand without judging


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Suggestions

1. Tell him it's ok and offer to do yourself in front of him to assure him (he won't last long before wanting to help you)

2. Have the rule of first refusal rights - he gets to ask you for it first, and if you say no, he can choose to take care of it , but you get first dibs


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

youcantsee said:


> Thank you so much, all I want is this feeling to go away. I see now that is much simple than what I thought it was.


I should add that your feelings are normal and in fact a demonstration of your desire for your husband. You didn't say you were upset that he masturbated but you felt that he was not happy with you and not satisfied. You are an excellent partner don't have doubts on that score. 

You don't understand. I didn't either. How can up you understand something no one told you? You want him to be happy and you thought that masturbation was a sign that you failed to make him happy. 

It is a natural misunderstanding of a loving wife. So, to me, it is a good thing. You get to understand and know that you are enough. 

I had to read up on men and masturbation. I knew nothing and could not understand why it is done so frequently. 

I learned that it is normal and physiological. You obviously care about your husband and so take this opportunity to learn more about him. 

He gets the opportunity to learn a little about you as a woman. It is normal for us women to need periodic reassurances that we are loved and desired.

Just one last thing - boys and men are frequently shamed for masturbation. I don't want my husband to feel shame for doing something that is normal.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I agree with other posters that say it's normal for her to be shocked. 

Especially when you flat out ask your H, do you masturbate? And he replies "no" it is a LIE. plain and simple. 

It's ok to feel upset about it, they are your feelings. 

It is in fact totally normal for our men to MB even when they are sexually satisfied by us. 

It's the hiding, sneaking, lying, and secrecy that get to most women about it JMHO.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Suggestions
> 
> 1. Tell him it's ok and offer to do yourself in front of him to assure him (he won't last long before wanting to help you)
> 
> 2. Have the rule of first refusal rights - he gets to ask you for it first, and if you say no, he can choose to take care of it , but you get first dibs


Thank you, very helpful


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I should add that your feelings are normal and in fact a demonstration of your desire for your husband. You didn't say you were upset that he masturbated but you felt that he was not happy with you and not satisfied. You are an excellent partner don't have doubts on that score.
> 
> You don't understand. I didn't either. How can up you understand something no one told you? You want him to be happy and you thought that masturbation was a sign that you failed to make him happy.
> 
> ...


Thank you for making me feel better, I definitely need to be educated on this issue, specially when it makes me feel this way. You have no Idea how deeply appreciate your words.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I agree with other posters that say it's normal for her to be shocked.
> 
> Especially when you flat out ask your H, do you masturbate? And he replies "no" it is a LIE. plain and simple.
> 
> ...


You totally get me, that's why I feel so hurt. He wasn't honest with me when I ask, probably cause he was embarrassed, but it was worst to found out this way


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?


What kind of porn video was it? I ask that in all seriousness because that might give you some answers. He might have fantasies that you could never fulfill such as fantasies of obese women, lesbians, BDSM, or even gay sex, etc.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You know that women also masturbate too. A lot of people both men and women won't cop to it but the vast majority of people do indulge at times. 

Where I used to live, one afternoon I saw a woman outside getting a sun tan and the next thing is she has her suit off and from where I was on my porch, she's laying down on her lounge chair "going to town" with herself and what she didn't know was that there was a contractor on the other street paving the road and the whole crew was stopped and watching. I thought that if they kept looking the asphalt would cool down and it would be ruined.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you're comfortable, with a sexy smile on your face, tell him you would like to watch him masturbate some time. THIS, above all would repair his bruised ego about your initial shock and hurt. Many couples find this is a very tame kink that can show a deep acceptance for each other's needs and sexuality. If your curious, then tell him you might like to watch him. I can guarantee you that he would LOVE to watch you!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Is it the masturbation or the porn that bothered you, or both?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> I know is perfectly normal, but *what is it that man would want to touch themselves,* when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?


Shocking news flash...MARRIED WOMEN DO IT TOO!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> What kind of porn video was it? I ask that in all seriousness because that might give you some answers. He might have fantasies that you could never fulfill such as fantasies of obese women, lesbians, BDSM, or even gay sex, etc.


I couldn't really tell if there was some kind of fetish going on, I just saw the guy naked grabbing the girl to start action, but I don't think that was the first video he was watching, was more like the second video. I'm just saying cause it did not look like he was just starting his business.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

youcantsee said:


> You totally get me, that's why I feel so hurt. He wasn't honest with me when I ask, probably cause he was embarrassed, but it was worst to found out this way


This is normal in a good marriage. You slowly learn things you did not know about each other. It's not that you hide things but you put your best out in front, lest you do something that will turn your partner off. 

These things slowly leak out. If you really love each other and consider that living together in harmony is work then you are good to go. Expect to learn new things about him and him you.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

6301 said:


> You know that women also masturbate too. A lot of people both men and women won't cop to it but the vast majority of people do indulge at times.
> 
> Where I used to live, one afternoon I saw a woman outside getting a sun tan and the next thing is she has her suit off and from where I was on my porch, she's laying down on her lounge chair "going to town" with herself and what she didn't know was that there was a contractor on the other street paving the road and the whole crew was stopped and watching. I thought that if they kept looking the asphalt would cool down and it would be ruined.


Yes I know women masturbate, done that being there back when I didn't have my Husband to take care of me...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Is it the masturbation or the porn that bothered you, or both?


She didn't complain about the porn at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Shocking news flash...MARRIED WOMEN DO IT TOO!


This married woman does it a lot! And she even gets sex a lot too!:smthumbup:


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am sorry this was so upsetting for you. I think you have received a lot of good advice here and understand now that it's normal and not about you at all.

So, next time you catch him, ask him if you can watch or put on your own show.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!


It has nothing to do with you

But you should consider asking him for 100% of his sexual energy

He will not be sorry if he complies

Porn does take away from your sexlife

He will realize this once he comits to you 100%

Ask him to try what's he got to lose ?

After all 

The real thing is the real thing


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> If you're comfortable, with a sexy smile on your face, tell him you would like to watch him masturbate some time. THIS, above all would repair his bruised ego about your initial shock and hurt. Many couples find this is a very tame kink that can show a deep acceptance for each other's needs and sexuality. If your curious, then tell him you might like to watch him. I can guarantee you that he would LOVE to watch you!


I could not agree more!


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Now here is a crazy idea. Arrange so that your husband "accidentally" catches you watching porn and taking care of yourself. I have had this discussion with female friends where they would feel inadequate if they caught their spouse but would not think twice to use their toys as soon as the spouse left the house. And I think that for men what women do when we are not around is still such a mystery that most men probably fantasize about catching their woman masturbating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Holy, over reaction--wow. I feel really bad for your husband.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> This married woman does it a lot! And she even gets sex a lot too!:smthumbup:


Horn dog....


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

241happyhour said:


> Holy, over reaction--wow. I feel really bad for your husband.


He said he had a problem 

If it's a problem for him

Then it's a problem for her


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I know when I do it it is because I want to imagine being with someone hot, thus I find pictures of hot girls, but that is just me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Honey, you could fix him a 4 star meal every night and sometimes he is just going to want a McDonalds cheeseburger. You're the 4 star meal, getting himself off is the cheeseburger.

If you stick around long enough on this board you will find plenty of men and women who are being sexually starved. Months and years of no sex. Your husband desires you, you have sex, you like being together. Sounds like you have a great thing going on.

Miss Scarlett can make a grocery list and get off at the same time. Miss Scarlett would never want to do such a thing to her husband (make a grocery list that is.) Masturbation doesn't provide the emotional intimacy that sex does. If it did everyone could just masturbate and not bother with complicated relationships.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

He already told you why he was doing it;

You were sleeping after all


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i can have sex with my wife 3 times in a day and still rub one out. its normal, sometimes when me and the wife go to bed (seperate beds she snores im light sleeper) we will even tell each other that we are going to masturbate. like my wife said when i showed her this you are way way way way over reacting.

and just 55 22 of course he said he had a problem she just acted like he kicked a puppy after setting it on fire he panicked. 

i walked in on my wife once rubbing one out, laughed my butt off and went back to work.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Horn dog....


Totally!

It's great to be a a woman who loves sex!


Ahhhhh just perfect!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Is it the masturbation or the porn that bothered you, or both?


None, What bothers me was the way I found out that he likes to masturbate and how it make me feel that he preferred masturbating instead of being with me.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Shocking news flash...MARRIED WOMEN DO IT TOO!


I know, I have done it too, but I would rather pleased him than just focus on myself.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> He said he had a problem
> 
> If it's a problem for him
> 
> Then it's a problem for her


He said he had a problem because her reaction indicated to him it was wrong, shameful, etc. He was telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. I am sure he was quite embarrassed as well.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> This is normal in a good marriage. You slowly learn things you did not know about each other. It's not that you hide things but you put your best out in front, lest you do something that will turn your partner off.
> 
> These things slowly leak out. If you really love each other and consider that living together in harmony is work then you are good to go. Expect to learn new things about him and him you.


I definitely have to keep that in mind. I tell him everything, even things he shouldn't know and he keeps all to himself and finally opens up when I constantly ask... didn't work this time though


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> I am sorry this was so upsetting for you. I think you have received a lot of good advice here and understand now that it's normal and not about you at all.
> 
> So, next time you catch him, ask him if you can watch or put on your own show.


Thank you, that sounds good!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> It has nothing to do with you
> 
> But you should consider asking him for 100% of his sexual energy
> 
> ...


Exactly! Why wasting the moment on yourself, when u have a partner that loves being with you and satisfied you!!!!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

241happyhour said:


> Holy, over reaction--wow. I feel really bad for your husband.


Why is that?... Feel sorry for me.. I'm whiling to pleased him anytime, anywhere, cause that's how bad I want him yet, he goes on his own.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> He said he had a problem
> 
> If it's a problem for him
> 
> Then it's a problem for her


Really appreciate the support!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Honey, you could fix him a 4 star meal every night and sometimes he is just going to want a McDonalds cheeseburger. You're the 4 star meal, getting himself off is the cheeseburger.
> 
> If you stick around long enough on this board you will find plenty of men and women who are being sexually starved. Months and years of no sex. Your husband desires you, you have sex, you like being together. Sounds like you have a great thing going on.
> 
> Miss Scarlett can make a grocery list and get off at the same time. Miss Scarlett would never want to do such a thing to her husband (make a grocery list that is.) Masturbation doesn't provide the emotional intimacy that sex does. If it did everyone could just masturbate and not bother with complicated relationships.


In Deed!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> He already told you why he was doing it;
> 
> You were sleeping after all


That never stop him before, he knows I always get in the mood. That's why I was so upset and confused.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> i can have sex with my wife 3 times in a day and still rub one out. its normal, sometimes when me and the wife go to bed (seperate beds she snores im light sleeper) we will even tell each other that we are going to masturbate. like my wife said when i showed her this you are way way way way over reacting.
> 
> and just 55 22 of course he said he had a problem she just acted like he kicked a puppy after setting it on fire he panicked.
> 
> i walked in on my wife once rubbing one out, laughed my butt off and went back to work.


Not all couples are like you and your wife... funny u are pretty much telling me to not judge him and yet u and ur wife are judging me... nice going!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Totally!
> 
> It's great to be a a woman who loves sex!
> 
> ...


I'm proud that too! I love sex, specially with my husband, that is one of the top things on my list of why I married him!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> He said he had a problem because her reaction indicated to him it was wrong, shameful, etc. He was telling her what he thought she wanted to hear. I am sure he was quite embarrassed as well.


So then, I'm the one with the problem?... Because I ask him straight up if the masturbate, and he sad no! and then I'm not supposed to be in shock finding out this way?


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I did not say either of you have a problem. I was replying to another post to say just because he said he has a problem does not mean he thinks it is a problem. Rather my opinion is he was saying what he thought you wanted to hear. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't see anything wrong with masturbating. If I caught my husband in a private moment, I'd try to walk away quietly without him feeling embarrassed or guilty. I certainly would not make a big deal about it. There are days were I'm not in the mood(right before period time and medication switches, I get very ill switching). I'm sure he would do the same for me.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> YCS
> 
> Sometimes women get into a habit of treating men like one of their kids by trying to control everything they do.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with you Catherine!

I especially like the part highlighted for its poignancy .
Everything in moderation , and respect , of course .
I think that he should have found somewhere else that was a little more private though.
Maybe that contributed to her shock.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I am certainly not saying masturbation is a problem; it’s only a problem when it’s a problem.

It’s natural after all if not God would have put it behind our backs.
Did she over re act? ……Perhaps.

In the long run this is not that big a deal

I only suggest 100% of his energy going to her because it works if both partners focus on each other’s needs. Hard to argue with that
Containing the urge to rub one out builds hunger for your partner. 

As long as your partner feeds that hunger the experience is amazing.

If a man or woman chooses to rub one out *NO BIGGIE* but if it is obsessive then it’s a problem

If it prevents someone from performing at their optimum level ….not really a problem but you diminish the experience

One thing is true If she did not witness the act, no problem ….At least for now


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I am going to argue your husband's case.

You said on occasion that you have gone a week without sex. I am not particularly high drive, and yet I don't think I could go a week without an orgasm. There are times when you just have to have it.

How often do you do it on average? How do you know he is happy? 

Sex is a very vulnerable thing. And your reaction was pretty strong. You caught him doing a normal thing and you are sitting there not taking his calls. Right or wrong, if my wife reacted like that I think it would make it very hard to have an honest discussion. You have started from a position of attacking his perspective. Or that is how I would feel.

Does he know when you masturbate?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

youcantsee said:


> I know, I have done it too, but I would rather pleased him than just focus on myself.


so have you told your husband that you masterbate?

if not then you lied by ommission.


when I was growing up masterbation was considered wrong. my parents never told me its ok and normal. a school everbody acted like you were a perv and teased you if you admitted it.when my wife asked me way back when we first got married I said no because of all the negative talk about it as I was growing up and she said she never dose it also.


I think its safe to asume that the vast majority of people do masterbate weather their in a committed relationship or not.

even you yourself said you do. 

now you can let this bother you or you can accept that he soetime rubs one out. But if I were you I would try to be understanding and truly open up about it and the intamacy in your relationship will grow instead of be stunted because of you attitude about it. tell him I'd love to watch you and maybe I could learn some new stuff about what you like and offer to show him what you like when you masterbate.

if you want openess then you got to be open yourself.

In my opinion you were sleeping and he decided to rub one out for what ever reason. 



now if he turns you down and then rubs on out that would be a problem.

would you have been receptive to him waking you up for some action?

do you give oral ? I only ask because some people don't like to give oral and if he like it maybe thats how he gets his fix by fantasying about it and masterbating because he know you don't really like it.

and when I say oral I don't mean 2 mins with a pi$$y attitude and then hurry up and climb on . I mean a loving insain it all about his pleasure kind of thing.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Whenwillitend said:


> And I think that for men what women do when we are not around is still such a mystery that most men probably fantasize about catching their woman masturbating._Posted via Mobile Device_


Very, very true.



youcantsee said:


> None, What bothers me was the way I found out that he likes to masturbate and how it make me feel that he preferred masturbating instead of being with me.


For men it's not usually about "preference." It sounds like you have a healthy sex life, but for man it's also stress relief. Sex with his wife and sex with one's self are very different for a man. When I'm stressed or tense, I don't necessarily want to make love, I just want to get to the end-point to get those endorphins and move on.



youcantsee said:


> I definitely have to keep that in mind. I tell him everything, even things he shouldn't know and he keeps all to himself and finally opens up when I constantly ask... didn't work this time though


I'd wager that most men are like this; we are not brought up to talk about everything all the time. That said, we can and do have candid conversations about anything under the sun, when we know how to express our feelings properly.

I can't speak for him, but if my wife reacted the way you did, standing there for a full minute in shock, then not returning my phone calls, I'd be so ashamed that I would probably never speak of it again, knowing full well that it's normal. It would make me feel like what I did was wrong, and I would assume that she was disgusted by what she saw. If she asked me about it afterwards, I'd bob and weave as much as possible. 

I can almost guarantee that this is the tip of his sexual iceberg, and if my wife reacted this way to just the tip, I'd push the rest of it so far underwater that even I wouldn't be able to find it.

In that regard, I think the word "overblown" is fitting.

As for what you should do now, I think some previous posters have already summed that up pretty well, but it wouldn't hurt to explain why you reacted so strongly - reassure him that it wasn't disgust, it was shock.

Based on your account, he blurted out that he has a problem - I can only assume that he meant the porn. I don't know why he'd jump to saying that (unless it's been a problem for him in the past) but it may or may not be true. If true, it could turn out to be a bigger issue down the line, so it's important to discuss it.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Wazza said:


> I am going to argue your husband's case.
> 
> You said on occasion that you have gone a week without sex. I am not particularly high drive, and yet I don't think I could go a week without an orgasm. There are times when you just have to have it.
> 
> ...


Sorry if I did not make myself clear, We have a very active sex life, I'm ALWAYS willing and super easy to get in the mood for sex, he knows this, is something we really enjoy. The best part of my day to be honest! We have been together for almost 5 years and 3 of marriage and there has NEVER been an occasion where I would say No to sex, even during pregnancy. There have been only 2 occasions of almost a week without sex, because I was out of town for work and the period you have to wait after having my baby, so obviously there has been no neglect of his need on my part. He can masturbate as much as he wants, even 24/7 if he likes when I'm on my period, or not available to be there. What I couldn't understand was him going solo when I was there to pleased him. He knows I used to masturbate when he was not around or when we were just dating. I really prefer being with him than going solo, that's why i don't need to masturbate anymore, my mistake was expecting the same thing from him.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

youcantsee said:


> Sorry if I did not make myself clear, We have a very active sex life, I'm ALWAYS willing and super easy to get in the mood for sex, he knows this, is something we really enjoy. The best part of my day to be honest! We have been together for almost 5 years and 3 of marriage and there has NEVER been an occasion where I would say No to sex, even during pregnancy. There have been only 2 occasions of almost a week without sex, because I was out of town for work and the period you have to wait after having my baby, so obviously there has been no neglect of his need on my part. He can masturbate as much as he wants, even 24/7 if he likes when I'm on my period, or not available to be there. What I couldn't understand was him going solo when I was there to pleased him. He knows I used to masturbate when he was not around or when we were just dating. I really prefer being with him than going solo, that's why i don't need to masturbate anymore, my mistake was expecting the same thing from him.


With all due respect. Expecting him to not masturbate under your conditions is a tad controlling.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> so have you told your husband that you masterbate?
> 
> if not then you lied by ommission.
> 
> ...


He knows about me masturbating back when I needed, I'm open with him, and I do enjoy giving him oral, that's always on the table and we both consider it as part of our foreplay before intercourse. You are right, I can not let this bother me but, I do need him to be honest and open about it.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> With all due respect. Expecting him to not masturbate under your conditions is a tad controlling.


I'm not controlling anything or putting conditions on this matter. I expected to be that way because for me makes sense "For me". Is very easy to assume things when your partner is not open to share, so all I did was believing we were on the same page. Like I said, that was my mistake.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So it's been 24 hours later how has your conversations gone with your husband? Are you still avoiding him?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I understand how you were shocked. Now would be a good time to talk with him and reassure him that he doesn't need to feel shamed and that you want to be open sexually with him.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

Like everyone has said it is perfectly natural for most men to masturbate when in a relationship. When we are younger our sex drive can be out of control, and like some have stated it is a quick release at a time where love making/sexual acts with each other is not going to happen for whatever reasons. I am sure there are some men with problems, but you guys have a active sex life so I would not even think twice about it. 

The first 10 years me and the wife were married it was something I did and hid from her because of embarrassment. She had even asked me if I did it and I told her no. Then later on as we became even closer and able to talk about "anything" I let her know. To my surprise there were a very few times she had done it herself. Now it is something we can do together or whatever. However I am 53 now and hardly ever do it on my own because I don't have the high libido that I used to have. I save my sexual energy for the two of us now. lol

My advise would be to talk to him and let him know that you thought it had something to do with you, and now you realize it doesn't. That there is nothing wrong with it as long as neither one of you do it for the wrong reasons. Then talk to him about when you first discovered it, and when you done it in the past or whatever your case is. This will get you both to open up about it and release your inhibitions. You will be surprised how much closer it will make you.

edit: Sorry I didn't read all posts. I seen you were open about your past etc. For some reason he is shameful of it. More then likely it has to do with something with his upbringing, or something that happened when he was younger.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

richie33 said:


> So it's been 24 hours later how has your conversations gone with your husband? Are you still avoiding him?


Unfortunately, we haven't been able to talk about it. His sister came to visit us yesterday. She arrived before him and spent the night at our house so today I'll make sure we have time to talk. Thank you for asking!


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I understand how you were shocked. Now would be a good time to talk with him and reassure him that he doesn't need to feel shamed and that you want to be open sexually with him.


I've been wanting to do that and hopefully today I will. Thank you


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> Sorry if I did not make myself clear, We have a very active sex life, I'm ALWAYS willing and super easy to get in the mood for sex, he knows this, is something we really enjoy. The best part of my day to be honest! We have been together for almost 5 years and 3 of marriage and there has NEVER been an occasion where I would say No to sex, even during pregnancy. There have been only 2 occasions of almost a week without sex, because I was out of town for work and the period you have to wait after having my baby, so obviously there has been no neglect of his need on my part. He can masturbate as much as he wants, even 24/7 if he likes when I'm on my period, or not available to be there. What I couldn't understand was him going solo when I was there to pleased him. He knows I used to masturbate when he was not around or when we were just dating. I really prefer being with him than going solo, that's why i don't need to masturbate anymore, my mistake was expecting the same thing from him.


What you are saying is that from your perspective the frequency is good and he should be happy.

I am asking you how you know what HE thinks. 

There can be all sorts of factors here. Are you available enough? Is there enough variety in what you d? Do you approach seduction in the right way or at the right time?

His masturbation can be just a normal, healthy thing. Needed it, thought you were asleep. But why not use this to take a stock take of things. It is VERY common for coupes to have mismatched desires and expectations. Here is a chance to think about that. Which is broader than your original question.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!



Better he do that than go and pick up a woman or have an affair...It is fairly normal..maybe he just wanted to release tension, etc.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

nxs450 said:


> Like everyone has said it is perfectly natural for most men to masturbate when in a relationship. When we are younger our sex drive can be out of control, and like some have stated it is a quick release at a time where love making/sexual acts with each other is not going to happen for whatever reasons. I am sure there are some men with problems, but you guys have a active sex life so I would not even think twice about it.
> 
> The first 10 years me and the wife were married it was something I did and hid from her because of embarrassment. She had even asked me if I did it and I told her no. Then later on as we became even closer and able to talk about "anything" I let her know. To my surprise there were a very few times she had done it herself. Now it is something we can do together or whatever. However I am 53 now and hardly ever do it on my own because I don't have the high libido that I used to have. I save my sexual energy for the two of us now. lol
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing, it seems much simple to deal with this now than yesterday. I do regret and realized that I make him feel more ashamed than what he probably already was for being caught. It just took me by surprise. I really hope that I can make him feel comfortable to open up with me, and hopefully that does gets us even closer!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You now know the truth....you husband rubs one out. Hopefully this experience will lead to more honest communication. I can understand your initial shock but I think it's time to move past that. You love your husband or it wouldnt have bothered you.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> Thank you so much for sharing, it seems much simple to deal with this now than yesterday. I do regret and realized that I make him feel more ashamed than what he probably already was for being caught. It just took me by surprise. I really hope that I can make him feel comfortable to open up with me, and hopefully that does gets us even closer!


I bet it will in fact bring you closer once it's discussed. I've had this convo and several "issues" with my H over masturbating & porn. 

When you start the conversation you just have to make it clear you're not trying to shame him and you're not trying to judge him. That you're simply trying to understand. You love him and want to know. 

I'm assuming (please forgive me) that you're like me. It's ok that our H MBs. We just don't like the secrecy and lying that come with it. Two people in a sacred marriage should be able to share such things with one another. And for the record, I don't think there is anything controlling about it. 

I like to know, I like to watch too. We do it together. It's fun once you can be open with each other and take the secrecy and shame out of the equation. 

I just don't feel quite connected or bonded to someone who has a private, secret, "behind-closed-doors" sex life that I am not a part of and am not welcome to know about. It's just my opinion, and just the kind of relationship I desire. And if a partner cannot give me that, there are plenty of others willing to. JMHO. Sorry for the novel/tangent!

I think it's awful that people tell you how you should feel. Only you and your husband can decide what will work for the both of you. What works for one couple wing necessarily work for another. Maybe so-in-so's wife doesn't mind that he MBs daily or in place of sex, and even laughs about it. And he feels the same. 

Different strokes for different folks. Pun intended. 



Hope your discussion goes great! Be sure to let us know.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> I bet it will in fact bring you closer once it's discussed. I've had this convo and several "issues" with my H over masturbating & porn.
> 
> When you start the conversation you just have to make it clear you're not trying to shame him and you're not trying to judge him. That you're simply trying to understand. You love him and want to know.
> 
> ...


Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yesss!... You just said clear and simple what I've been trying to establish. At first my main concern was "Is it because of me?" "Am I not satisfying him?" "He doesn't want me anymore?" and finally realizing it doesn't have to do with me [I'm hopping]. I moved on to the next thing that bother me and is just what you just wrote! I want a better communication when it comes to our sexuality, no more lies, no more behind doors, I jus want to know what he wants... I can't wait for him to come home and finally have that talk and work for the best, thank you so much


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## KFS (Nov 4, 2012)

Hello- An old married lady here, and my advice is, don't sweat it. As long as the two of you have an active and healthy sex life, all of us need a little "private time" - and I'm not talking just masturbation.  Maybe hubby just needs that time to himself to decompress from the day. I like a cup of tea myself, but there was a time I needed something, ahem, more physical (and yes, even if hubby and I had been physical recently). But definitely do use this opportunity to keep the lines of communication open between you.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yesss!... You just said clear and simple what I've been trying to establish. At first my main concern was "Is it because of me?" "Am I not satisfying him?" "He doesn't want me anymore?" and finally realizing it doesn't have to do with me [I'm hopping]. I moved on to the next thing that bother me and is just what you just wrote! I want a better communication when it comes to our sexuality, no more lies, no more behind doors, I jus want to know what he wants... I can't wait for him to come home and finally have that talk and work for the best, thank you so much


Oh no, that's one thing I HAVED learned - it has nothing to do with ME. 
That's the beauty of the situation, you get to become closer & more intimate by talking about it. There will no longer be a need to feel upset or insecure about your sex life. 

Glad I understand you! I'm glad to be of help to someone on here, as I've gotten so much from this forum myself. It's awesome to be able to read so many differing opinions and suggestions, and you don't feel nuts. I always thought I was crazy for having the feelings I had. But others do too, and they are MY feelings and I'm allowed to feel them, just like you. 

You got great advice here for opening up communication. I'm happy for you


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

youcantsee said:


> He can masturbate as much as he wants, even 24/7 if he likes when I'm on my period, or not available to be there. What I couldn't understand was him going solo when I was there to pleased him.


Consider that he did not view you as being there to please him. You had just put the baby to sleep and gone to bed early. You had been sleeping for 90 minutes when you woke up and found him. 

I think it is plenty reasonable for him to think, in those circumstances, that you are not available.


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## youcantsee (Oct 8, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Consider that he did not view you as being there to please him. You had just put the baby to sleep and gone to bed early. You had been sleeping for 90 minutes when you woke up and found him.
> 
> I think it is plenty reasonable for him to think, in those circumstances, that you are not available.


I meant at not there at HOME, he can always wake me up, he has!... Sorry for not being super specific lol


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

youcantsee said:


> I meant at not there at HOME, he can always wake me up, he has!... Sorry for not being super specific lol


I know exactly what you meant. But many men would consider a wife asleep after taking care of the baby to not be available. 

So consider that he may have felt that waking you, in that situation, would have been selfish and unfair to you, so not something he would want to do.


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## XianHusband (Oct 9, 2013)

I've read through much of this thread, and probably will be repeating some things that have in various ways already been partially expressed, so I'm just going to keep it as short as possible. Some things you should know about men:

1) For men masturbation and sex are BOTH highly physical things. The physical aspect of the sensations and the orgasm are a much much much more important part of the overall experience than they are for the typical woman (at least from what I have been told, as a general rule - I do know and understand that there are exceptions).

2) As separate highly physical things, they are nonetheless DIFFERENT and they fulfill DIFFERENT and unique roles in a man's life. A man's need for masturbation is different and distinct from his need for sex. I guess the main difference is that in masturbation, a man is enjoying his own sexuality for himself alone, with only himself to please. In sex he is sharing it with his wife, doing it of course also for personal enjoyment but as much or preferably more out of a desire to share and bring pleasure to his wife.

3) Continuing from 2) above: a woman needs to understand that a) There are sensations and pleasures that a man can give himself through masturbation that a woman will NEVER be able to match the quality of, because she can't possibly know his body and his sensations the way he can. b) There are pleasures and feelings of acceptance and love that a woman can give her husband through sex that he will NEVER be able to give himself through masturbation, because masturbation by definition is a solitary activity.

4) A typical man has a recurring, regular, physical need for sex which he physically feels and which MUST be relieved - in much the same way that a full bladder or bowel must be emptied. It is not an option, no matter how much any authority figure be it spouse, parent, or clergy person might want to argue to the contrary. This is a fact and there is nothing your husband or anyone else can do about it short of breaking out the chastity belt and/or inflicting a surgical removal of the male genitalia. This need can be relieved only by orgasm, whether it is through masturbation or intercourse. While the amount of time required before release becomes psychologically and physically "mandatory" can vary, a period of 24 hours or less is not uncommon especially in younger men. I personally am still a 2 or 3 orgasm a day guy despite being over 50 years of age - and yes, I do suspect I'm a bit above average but I make no apologies for it. To summarize once again: a man's definite and absolutely undeniable physical need for regular and frequent orgasm is something that women need to understand and accept, even though it may be as unfathomable to some women as it is to some men to accept that a woman could possibly be mentally "distracted" and have her degree of arousal brought back down to zero while in the middle of a sexual act that had not yet been completed. The physical component is as important to the typical man as the emotional component is to the stereotypical woman.

5) Sex fulfills needs over and above the need for orgasm. It brings the husband closer to his wife psychologically and puts him more in the mood to be romantic, in much the same way that a husband's being romantic and/or helping with housework, etc. is said to put a wife more in the mood to engage in sex. Masturbation and sex both fulfill the need for orgasm but masturbation does not fulfill the need for the heightened degree of emotional connectivity that a man feels with his wife when she has sex with him and he knows she is enjoying it. This connectivity and benefit does NOT occur if it is clear that mere "mercy sex" is occurring and the wife is obviously not enjoying the act herself. In such a situation, well I guess I should speak only for myself, but in such a situation all I would be getting out of it would be the orgasm and if all I were getting out of it were the orgasm I would rather just masturbate since physically it feels better and is much easier and more convenient.

6) In my case - my wife is a reasonable woman but let's just say she isn't about to have intercourse with me 2 or 3 times a day. So you had better believe that the difference between what we actually do and my desired 2 or 3 times a day is made up - always - through masturbation. And she knows and understands that. Now old habits die hard. A man grows up considering masturbation a private act, and I typically don't do it in front of my wife. I don't exactly hide - she knows I do it and how often - but I still do it privately, in a different room and/or when she's not around. And she understands that this is a physical need and does not reflect on her sexual skills in any way.

7) I do disagree with your husband's use of porn and can understand why that would reasonably be upsetting to you. I think that it would definitely be reasonable for you to express to him any objection you have to his use of such material and to expect him to give that up. But even so, remember that when he masturbates he isn't out cheating on you; he is simply enjoying himself, which is something he had been doing since long before he ever met you and which he has every right to continue for the rest of his life as long as it doesn't interfere with his ability to give you the full amount of sexual satisfaction which you desire.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> Yes! Yes! Yes! and Yesss!... You just said clear and simple what I've been trying to establish. At first my main concern was "Is it because of me?" "Am I not satisfying him?" "He doesn't want me anymore?" and finally realizing it doesn't have to do with me [I'm hopping]. I moved on to the next thing that bother me and is just what you just wrote! I want a better communication when it comes to our sexuality, no more lies, no more behind doors, I jus want to know what he wants... I can't wait for him to come home and finally have that talk and work for the best, thank you so much


That's the first thing I said in my first post

It really has nothing to do with you


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh and Guys and Girls 

Be the master of your domaine

Sorry I forgot the ladies


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> Oh and Guys
> 
> Be the master of your domaine


Shall I call you Kramer?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Shall I call you Kramer?


The way my life has gone I think I am more George

Oh well


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just got it 55 said:


> The way my life has gone I think I am more George
> 
> Oh well


happy festivis george


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> happy festivis george


Festivis for the rest iv us

Sorry for the TJ I couldn't resist


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...


Is not a problem, all the men do it, and no man have stopped doing it since teenager, let me be brutally honest with you here about facts related to masturbation and men.
As other users have told you is a stress reliever and anger reliever, serotonin released by the brain help in this two situations.

It help us to sleep, in my case i jog in the afternoons , but if for some reason i skip my rutine and I can't have sex that day i feel just too much energy and masturbation works just fine.
So why don't we look for our partners to have sex, well, we take in consideration our girls/women circunstances, you may be too tired or already sleeping (as your husband told you) and when you care/love someone you don't impose your selfish desires on them, also sometimes (in my case when i need it for the lack of excercise) whe want something quick, 5 minutes and pum ready to bed.

You may not like this one but is true, It help us to be loyal, i love my long haired brunette girl, physically, intellectually and emotionally is my dream girl, but i have this fantasy to be with a black woman (I never had the chance or never persued it) any way every 2 or 3 full moons i take my computer look for porn where a beautifull black woman is the main character and all fixed no need to risk my 3 year relationship for a ONS or something deeper.

Porn is not that evil, all the men i know from my generation and younger (i am 31) use it, and i mean married and in LTR men, again as other user told you is about fantasy, you may never agree for a three some, you may not like getting a facial, you may not like anal, so this kind of fantasies are deal with porn, i dont have the madonna complex but i am not gonna force my girlfriend to do things she dont like, i may suggest and put a little presure, but if a see a total rejection then i just stop.
Maybe the only time when you can get angry at him is when he denies sex to you but he still masturbating himself. (we are talking long periods of time).



notmarriedyet said:


> It's the hiding, sneaking, lying, and secrecy that get to most women about it JMHO.


Sorry but is a private thing, so it gonna kept happening, the idea of offering you to help it with it is nice and will be well received by him. But for many of the reasons i just mentioned we like to do it ourselves.

Also talk to him, let him know that you are aware now that is something natural, free him from the promise to not do it again because if you not, he will lie to you and do it again (making him feel more guilty and ashamed that you may find) or he will resent you from taking from him something natural that all other men do, ask him to be more carefull if you still can't cope with the idea o him doing it.

so is like this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

youcantsee said:


> Thank you so much for sharing, it seems much simple to deal with this now than yesterday. I do regret and realized that I make him feel more ashamed than what he probably already was for being caught. It just took me by surprise. I really hope that I can make him feel comfortable to open up with me, and hopefully that does gets us even closer!


Don't minimize how insightful and willing you are to consider different interpretations. I think you and your husband are lucky to have each other. 

A few posters said that you overreacted. You reacted in surprise, you are allowed. You don't have to be perfect and hide what you feel. That makes the relationship silted and false. 

Glad you showed your real feelings. Argue it out fairly. I read that the most successful relationships are those that have conflict especially in the early years. 

Seems counterintuitive but it makes sense. You have to be honest and reveal who you are and how you feel. As a result, conflict is inevitable. 

But, you get to know each other more deeply and work through it and accept. I believe couples who say they don't argue are hiding their real feelings.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Unless a man is down on his luck and perceives masturbation as a substitute for sex, then there is no emotional involvement in it. He can hence use it to get physical relief, almost like emptying one's bladder (well, it is emptying one's prostate). Even if he gets great sex 90% of the time, sex involves too many complex emotions.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't minimize how insightful and willing you are to consider different interpretations. I think you and your husband are lucky to have each other.
> 
> A few posters said that you overreacted. You reacted in surprise, you are allowed. You don't have to be perfect and hide what you feel. That makes the relationship silted and false.
> 
> ...


THIS!
quoted for truth. Well said, Catherine602.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If I caught my wife masturbating, watching porn...I would offer to help her free up a hand LOL

It would totally turn me on to no end to touch her, work her vibrator, or eat her while she watched porn...doesnt matter what porn genre...I would be SO enthusiastic

If she said no, I would kiss her forhead and tell her "I love you, good night"...

I really dont see the big deal...granted I JUST started a thread about masturbating and porn taking over a marriage LMAO so maybe I aint the best one for advice...but even when my wife and I were having sex regularly and I rarely jerked off, my advice would still hold true...for me anyways


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

I masterbate almost daily. Alot of men do. It's not that we don't want to have sex but sometimes if I am at work and see bikini pictures of Kate Upton (not that much of a porn viewer) or Kelly Brook, I get in the mood. When I come home from work I am horny so I go masterbate, get it out of my system and carry on about the night. If we have sex later, great. If not, I still got off and am more relaxed.

It's one of the drawbacks of being a man. We are horny alot.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!



I would rather have sex with my wife and never masturbate or view porn, being honest here, unfortunately, that is not reality.

Us men are built on testosterone and that means, we have much higher sex drives. That's nothing new or shocking.

We could have sex every day and even multiple times each day, our teen years and it doesn't take much for us to get in the mood either, especially when we see women dressing sexy every day, almost everywhere we go.

Whether you have kids or not, having fun and adventurous sex with hubby is a must or he will masturbate and usually to porn.

Us men need this release for our mental, emotional and physical health. I even watched the Dr. Oz show and he said men need sex 3x per week, every week and that's just enough sex to lower the chances of serious heart issues and attacks by up to 50%. So, there is something to why men are hornier, need sex often, health and it raises our testosterone, which is what we are primarily based on. We need sex.

Talk to your hubby and ask him, what sexual fantasies turn him on? Don't cry and get upset that he was masturbating to porn. Communicate what you could do with him, so he wouldn't do the porn thing. If he watches anal sex, try that with him. If he likes foot jobs, gave him oiled foot jobs. If he likes a certain way they dress, dress up. Find out what he likes and surprise him but the key is to do this often and not only 1x month and take the initiative.

Is its the kid, or its a little too late, or you're tired, or I'm out with a friend, family member, or there's something on tv, or I'm reading a book right now, etc., he might then masturbate and view porn.

You could just have quickie sex during the work week and quality sex on the weekends.


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## pilotranger (Oct 7, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?


I think you're kind of contradicting yourself a little. On one hand (no pun intended) you're saying it's totally normal but on the other you're totally disgusted by it.

WHICH is it?

IMHO, you should have a talk with him about it and hear him out. Avoiding him and not returning his calls is not the way I would go.


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## pilotranger (Oct 7, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.
> 
> From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.
> 
> ...


Very nicely said, Catherine.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.
> 
> From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: This is so well said Catherine602! This is some of the most honest and best advice I have ever read on TAM. Thanks for posting this Catherine! :smthumbup:


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## kal_el (Mar 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.
> 
> From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.
> 
> ...


That is the absolute most empathetic and understanding response I have ever hear from a woman. Thank you! Most of the time they are only thinking of 1) shaming thier husband and 2) themselves. Very good/ selfless response. AND VERY TRUE!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

You caught once out of 1,485,345 times!! Go read some guy forums with polls 3-5x a week most guys masturbate and almost always to PORN!!!!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I vote for Catherine602 for President!

She is smart, and tells it exactly like it is. 

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> I vote for Catherine602 for President!
> 
> She is smart, and tells it exactly like it is.
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


I second that! She is an amazing contributor! Always level headed, always polite, and always leaves the OP feeling supported. I just love her...in a non personal or sexual kind of way...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I like rubbing one out in front of my old lady..."she can do anything I can do better"


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## whatUknow (Aug 17, 2013)

Almost every man masturbates. Some more than others. I find that when I have sex more often with the Wife I masterbate MORE. 
It has nothing to do with her. 

Early in our relationship she was very insecure with herself and caught me a few times master bating. We had big arguments about it. Once I was able to reassure her things have been wonderful. 

I don't masterbate to porn when I know she will walk in or she is home, I try to be respectful, but I am so turned on by my wife, I would never want to leave her, but men need variety, men need to masterbate. Porn satisfies this. As long as it's kept in check and not out of control. It works. 

You saying you haven't ever seen him masterbate is concerning. We have had mutual masterbation sessions which are hot. And relationship enhancing. 

Have you ever masturbated? I find that many women who have never masterbated do not understand why she would if she has sex with her husband. 

It's not exclusive, one or the other. 

Decent movie just came out called Don Jon... Might give you some insight.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> I second that! She is an amazing contributor! Always level headed, always polite, and always leaves the OP feeling supported. I just love her...in a non personal or sexual kind of way...


 it started off so nicely and then..... The final statement was a kick in the azzz. I am very sad now.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Thank you but I am not always so mild. Look at some of my earlier posts or ones where I get triggered. 

This wonderful community did more for me in 3 yrs than 5 therapist in the preceding 15 yrs. so thank you TAM friends for helping me and my family. 

And now back to masturbation. 

Masturbation is an act of complete abandonment to pleasure, I think. As long as it does not interfere with life pursuits, it takes away from no one, hurts no one and is done by saints and sinners. 

So why are we shamed for it and why is it bad? Maybe it is because it is pure pleasure to no ones benefit except the person doing it. Good humans should work for the common good and control the pursuit of pure pleasure?? 

Its a worthy goal. But being human, we need a respite and the ability to hurt no one while enjoying one of the greatest gift life has to offer. 

I see it as a blessing not a curse. If good people didn't have this outlet, what would happen? Think about it. That's the way I come to look at it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That's a really good point. If good men and women never masturbated, would they turn to alcohol, drugs, affairs?

If the LD spouse got a clue and actually took care of their other halfs needs, regardless, that would show us they do love us and are making the effort, instead of unlimited excuses.

If the LD spouses had abuse in their past, they have the responsibility to deal with it, instead of dumping it on their current spouse, which they had nothing to do with it.

LD individual have to ask themselves, if sex isn't a big deal and not important, why get married then? Why put their hubby or wifee through hell and think its okay and then get shocked when they cheat?

If my wifee gave me an oiled hand or foot job, no masturbation by myself and she doesn't even have to have sex, would that not be ideal for her then?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Why so many responses here about how men masturbate. Women masturbate too. OP, if you don't masturbate, you should. It will help you understand your own body and can only enhance your sex life with your husband. I masturbate all the time. It has nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. I do it because it feels good. I don't always want intimacy. Sometimes I just want to have an orgasm. I don't get it. You have a good sex life. Who cares if your husband masturbates? He has a right to touch his own body. You don't own it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

This thread is enlightening.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> it started off so nicely and then..... The final statement was a kick in the azzz. I am very sad now.


Okay fine...I secretly have the hots for you!


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Even when things were great in my relationships, I would often need to rub one out. For example: I'm working at home on an intensive work project, but during a break I read an article that conjured up sex and the thoughts wouldn't go away. I have an hour home alone, so the choice is: I can wait for my partner to come home, which could be late and she could be in a bad mood because of work (alternatively, could wait until the baby's in bed, but getting him there is a pursuit no better than a 12-hour workday at a bad client). Pursuing sex at that point can be a roll of the dice. So I could power through the remainder of the day with the hormones flowing (not good for work) and then risk irritating both of us (and not being to rub one out not to offend her); or I could rub one out, get the work done, and then if she's in the mood, I'd have my energy re-generated and ready to go at that point. I would also masturbate ahead of a rendez-vous so that I would also last longer on the first go (especially if I knew it was likely to be PIV). 

Simple male calculus, really.


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

Even when me and the Mrs. are having lots of sex, I still rub one out a few times a week. It has nothing to do with not desiring her. In fact, there have been many times an hour or two after sex that I get so riled up thinking about what we did, that i have to take matters into my own hands, as it were. Masturbation is normal, without it many guys would go off the deep end.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

You have gotten so many great responses here. I know that there are some men that were hard on you and thought that you were way off base and overreacted. Some of that comes from the difference between men and women (generally). For a guy, masturbation does not in anyway mean that he is not interested in you. A woman can feel that it does mean that. So, don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to understand the difference. 

However, your husbad did feel ashamed of his sexuality and you need to tell him how it made you feel, right or wrong. I think you know from the other responses that you are not going to stop him. I think you need to let him know that it is OK with you. 

A great suggestion was made regarding the "first right of refusal." We do that. My wife has some health issues right now so I give her the choice, "Do you want to try and have sex, give me a hand-job, or I can take care of myself." 

Masturbation becomes a problem if he is doing that INSTEAD of fulfilling your sexual needs. I don't see that as a problem right now.

Please let us know how it goes...unless you did and I missed it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

kal_el said:


> That is the absolute most empathetic and understanding response I have ever hear from a woman. Thank you! Most of the time they are only thinking of 1) shaming thier husband and 2) themselves. Very good/ selfless response. AND VERY TRUE!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you but don't think of it is selfless though. Some understanding and acceptance of how we are as men and women is required, no?. It's a responsibility. 

Making our mate feel bad because they don't act or think like us is self centered and unloving. it might help for them to look at themselves before judging their partner. 

It is unfair not to learn and adapt to all the different normals that people display. I didn't know anything about men when I got married. I thought they were mentally women with extra piping.

My motivation to learn was my husband. He is good to me and I want to try to give him as much as he gives me. He is nowhere near a perfect husband. However, he perfect enough in an imperfect world and I am very fortunate.

It's not only masturbation but many other gender based behaviors that is on the list of the differential effects of testosterone and estrogen. Actually not selfless in my view.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Thank you but don't think of it is selfless though. Some understanding and acceptance of how we are as men and women is required, no?. It's a responsibility.
> 
> Making our mate feel bad because they don't act or think like us is self centered and unloving. it might help for them to look at themselves before judging their partner.
> 
> ...


All of your responses have been great on this subject! The books "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" and "His Needs, Her Needs" really helped us. Yes, we each must take the time and energy to explore, understand, and celebrate the differences!!!!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> If you're comfortable, with a sexy smile on your face, tell him you would like to watch him masturbate some time. THIS, above all would repair his bruised ego about your initial shock and hurt. Many couples find this is a very tame kink that can show a deep acceptance for each other's needs and sexuality. If your curious, then tell him you might like to watch him. I can guarantee you that he would LOVE to watch you!


 Sorry to disagree, no he wouldn't! Especially after what transpired? She goes from locking herself in the bathroom crying her eyes out to want to watch him do it to himself? Dude is gonna wonder what the hell is going on and not trust it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Romantic. I read those books too. The very first books I read were "For Women Only" and "For Men Only" about 3 years ago at the time I joined this forum. I just happened to see them when I was browsing in a bookstore. 

They are written by a husband and wife team. Short and to the point. The books opened my eyes. Literally, my whole world changed in a matter of hours. 

I don't know if you read any of Malcolm Gladwell's books but, it was like a "Blink" moment. One moment you interpret the your reality one way and then you hear a few facts that shift everything. 

Gettingit has a beautiful active thread on her transition. I have to look at the title of it. 

It's hard to change your understanding of something you think you already understand. Taken together with the evidence you have to prove you are right, it's an ironclad case. 

No matter what your spouse says, you can't make it conform to your belief system, which is at odds with theirs. 

No one can make you dismantle a framework that seems to work unless they remove a supporting beam or two. Then again, they may not care.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I like the “she should be given right of first refusal” thing but wonder how couples implement this in a practical way. I say this based upon the relatively common LD wife and HD hubby. I know there are different situations but, that is the most common especially as it relates to the situation we are discussing. I mean how does that work…let me see. I start making the moves on my wifes, she counters with the, I’m tired, stressed, I didn’t shave…so are we then supposed to say “Ok honey I am going down to the living room/my office/the basement to whack off”. Ok so we won’t seem like insensitive clods in this case. I mean if the OP had tried to make the moves and got the “I’m tired let’s just cuddle… so is he supposed to go to bed frustrated. 

For couple that have this policy how does it work.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

As others have said sometimes you want something that is quick. I also think that a man knows what feels good as he has done it probably (well for me it was 1x365x15 or roughly 5000 times. I personally enjoy solo sex immensely. Like going to burger king I can have it my way. I can speed up, stop do whatever without any regard to how you feel. I mean for the most part men spend much time, energy and effort making sex as pleasurable as possible for their spouses for altruistic reasons and so that they can get more of it. 

If you have ever watched your man J/O it will be obvious that you probably cannot move your had as skillfully as he can, just like most men can’t make do what a vibrator does..can’t cuddle you either. Same as a guy. We can’t kiss, hold, cherish, adore etc. a pair of electronic boobs on a screen…but, they can satisfy a simple urge. 

I do believe that the overwhelming majority of sexual activity between spouses should be with eachother if possible. 

Since you have masturbate or do… As others have said perhaps you can bring masturbation into one of your activities. I love watching my wife get herself off while I do the same. It also ushers into the relationship a clear message that this is acceptable to you. Clearly your husband was hiding this as he thought you would not be OK with it and he was correct. Unless you object to solo activities, you need to let him know you are ok with it. Just let him know you would prefer to be involved if possible/practical. 

You and all the other women reading this thread who may have similar thoughts would be well served to use the search function on this forum ..use advanced search and try different searches with “masturbation or porn” in the original thread. You will be able to see men’s honest opinions on this matter. 

I wish you well and hope you can find peace with this.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Romantic. I read those books too. The very first books I read were "For Women Only" and "For Men Only" about 3 years ago at the time I joined this forum. I just happened to see them when I was browsing in a bookstore.
> 
> They are written by a husband and wife team. Short and to the point. The books opened my eyes. Literally, my whole world changed in a matter of hours.
> 
> ...


Never before in my life has anyone articulated things with such insight and truth. You are wise beyond your years. 

Thank you for your profound contribution to this forum!


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I wish I could get my BF to do it but he's so freaking shy.

Most men/guy do this I don't think you should be hurt by it thought.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

lovelyblue said:


> I wish I could get my BF to do it but he's so freaking shy.
> 
> Most men/guy do this I don't think you should be hurt by it thought.


Get him super turned on....and then hand him some lubrication and tell him you really want to watch. Encourage him...it is very hot!


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## YourKnotAnUdderFailure (Oct 25, 2013)

Why men masturbate when married:
1. The main reason? We're horny and you're not available.

Once the wife goes to bed, the likelihood that initiating sex at that point is going to turn to rejection.

Hey, at least we're not having sex with another person.

2. Lack of variety in sex that can be found in porn. Do you like doing the same thing every day and eating the same food day after day? Most likely not. So why should sex be the same way?

I want to have anal sex, my wife doesn't. She tried once, and that was that, even though I've had anal sex with every women before her, and even had them orgasm from it. I want her to deepthroat, and her BJ isn't that great. Sure, it still feels good, but it's the same technique every time. The only exiting thing she does is swallow, thank goodness for that. Still, sometimes I'd like to cum over her face, or in her ass, or in her ass crack. This sounds very perverted to most women, but most men love this, but we're too "nice" and don't want to disappoint you about our sexual desires, and we definitely don't want to force them on you.

At any rate, at least with porn and jerking off, we actually get to watch what turns us on - mostly stuff the wife doesn't want to do. We can have mind-sex with any women we think are attractive without actually cheating.

3. We only have to satisfy ourselves with no negative psychological drawbacks. Husbands don't want to disappoint the wife by starting to get limp (see #2). Wives don't want to disappoint the husband by getting dry and sore (which would mean no sex for the next few days). If we jerk off, neither of us have the chance to be disappointed.

4. We just got rejected. Not quite #1, but #1 is also usually a result of getting rejected. You're tired, or you don't feed like it, etc. That's fine, but don't give us a ****ing hard time about jerking off if you reject us for sex. That we have to masturbate in secret to preserver your emotional well-being, we're at least not trying to reject you. When you're horny and when we turn you down, you just get angry and resentful. You know what? If you just say, ok, head over to the bedroom and start getting yourself off, 100% of the time I'm going to at least watch, but most likely help you finish off.

If we did that, you would think us as perverted ****s.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> Never before in my life has anyone articulated things with such insight and truth. You are wise beyond your years.
> 
> Thank you for your profound contribution to this forum!


Thank you. However, I make so many grammatical errors and misspelling. When I reread some of my posts at a latter time, even I don't understand what I meant. Thanks for being so tolerant.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!


I am jumping in late so perhaps my comments were covered by others.

1) One thing about masturbation is that it is self pleasure. He can think about himself and not someone else. Are there times you just would rather shower alone? 

2) Why not join him. Why not offer to let him be selfish WITH you. In stead of shaming him, not talking to him, ignoring him, why not JOIN HIM. You made him feel like he was caught by his mother, not by his lover.

3) Why do guys touch themselves? Because they no best what feels good. Why do women touch themselves? Ditto. I think masturbation in all stages of life is very healthy because you CAN figure out what feels good and if you can convey it to your SO then more power to the both of you.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> I am jumping in late so perhaps my comments were covered by others.
> 
> 1) One thing about masturbation is that it is self pleasure. He can think about himself and not someone else. Are there times you just would rather shower alone?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ladywillow (Oct 31, 2013)

You reacted poorly and shamed him. He's embarrassed. 

You should have just went down on him or helped him out. I don't see an issue with this at all. It's just masturbation. Everyone does it.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

By the way, forgive the major typos. I shouldn't get on boards at midnight. "No" vs "know"....really?????

Please share with your husband you were just shocked and encourage him to share with you. Be open, non judgmental.

Best of luck.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else?


Because you were sleeping.

You've got an infant. You're tired. He didn't want to bother you so he took care of himself.

My problem with him is that he didn't stand up for himself.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

1. All men masturbate. It's a fact. Deal with it.

2. Just because he's masturbating doesn't mean he's unfaithful. He was probably just horny and didn't want to bother you with it because he knew you were tired.

3. You should talk to him about it. TALK and discuss, not lecture. 

4. If this frightens you, perhaps you can come to a compromise- If he feels the urge, you can assure him that you'll be there to take care of his needs instead of the alternative.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> 1. All men masturbate. It's a fact. Deal with it.
> 
> 2. Just because he's masturbating doesn't mean he's unfaithful. He was probably just horny and didn't want to bother you with it because he knew you were tired.
> 
> ...


Wow, an opt out clause. Hey, anytime you want to/think about masturbating come to me first. Give me a chance to give you a BJ before you start wanking. If I am too tired - have at it.


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## reef3314 (Nov 13, 2013)

I think the issue here may stem from a possible porn addiction. It's not that he doesn't want you. Sometimes a guy has a fantasy or multiple fantasies he may be too embarrassed to tell you about. Those fantasies drive his sex drive and since he's too nervous to share with you he goes off on his own. Try this, if you're ok with watching porn yourself. Insist on watching some together during foreplay. Let him pick the flick. Don't worry if his focus is on the screen every now and then, its kind of the point. That being said, he should not put all of his focus on the screen. Eventually, not very long either, he should start becoming more open with you about those "strange" or "hardcore" fantasies and you two will share in them. Obviously, no lines should be crossed here. Boundaries should still be set. This is a selfish act here bc you are doing everything for his pleasure at this point. Make it clear you have fantasies too and let him cater to you.

I say this bc I sometimes go off on my own to do my thing without my wife knowing. It's not that I don't love her or think she's sexy. Quite the opposite. She's a very good looking momma. Men don't go behind their wife's back doing this to hurt them. It's bc we know it will hurt them that we go behind their back. We don't want them to find out. Plus it just makes us look like pervs. I've got fantasies that I'm not quite sure how she'd react to and so I've never approached it; nothing too crazy. Guilty here.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!


sweetie, you will not receive the sympathy you're looking for on this site. I can understand your devastation, and i wish that people here could just see past their own selfish needs to give advice and understanding. 

This is exactly what's wrong with a lot of marriages. So many people feel ENTITLED to self gratification without a care in the world of the hurt they are causing their SO. He was caught jerking off and watching porn. How could that not be upsetting? God! :scratchhead: 

the insensitive idiot on the forum who suggests you just deal with it. I could only imagine what the quality of their relationship is.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

MrHappyHat said:


> Because you were sleeping.
> 
> You've got an infant. You're tired. He didn't want to bother you so he took care of himself.
> 
> My problem with him is that he didn't stand up for himself.


I love you crusaders. You always crack me up.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> I love you crusaders. You always crack me up.


You don't sound like you're laughing. You sound more like your, well, crusading.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> sweetie, you will not receive the sympathy you're looking for on this site. I can understand your devastation, and i wish that people here could just see past their own selfish needs to give advice and understanding.
> 
> This is exactly what's wrong with a lot of marriages. So many people feel ENTITLED to self gratification without a care in the world of the hurt they are causing their SO. He was caught jerking off and watching porn. How could that not be upsetting? God! :scratchhead:
> 
> the insensitive idiot on the forum who suggests you just deal with it. I could only imagine what the quality of their relationship is.


Give me a break. The OP says she has no complaint about the sex that they have. By her own account, nothing is interfering with their intimacy. Spouses--men and women--masturbate and yes, they ARE entitled to decide what to do with THEIR bodies, as long as it doesn't interfere with the relationship with their spouse. Anybody who said that the OP has to deal with it was 100% correct. Any spouse who is devastated by finding out his or her partner masturbates is being unreasonable.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> and yes, they ARE entitled to decide what to do with THEIR bodies, as long as it doesn't interfere with the relationship with their spouse.




Yes, and we can all clearly see that him masturbating didn't "interfere" with their relationship at all. Not one bit... 


I'm not saying that spouses don't masturbate. What I AM saying is that why can't people just see how that moment in time shocked and upset her, instead of trying to justify why it's ok to masturbate. ffs.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> I'm not saying that spouses don't masturbate. What I AM saying is that why can't people just see how that moment in time shocked and upset her, instead of trying to justify why it's ok to masturbate. ffs.


Because when you marry someone and show shock and dismay that your spouse eats breakfast in the morning, everyone around you should give you a smack to the side of the head. You're at best grotesquely naive, at worst lots of other things.

Same with masturbating.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Let all break out a bottle of Astroglide and bring on the self pleasure!


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I think someone has a little too much pent up sexual energy today.
> 
> There's a cure for that...


I find it ironically hilarious that you go around this board giving everyone sexual advice when you have made it clear that your own wife doesn't even want to sleep with you. I wonder why that is?
You're so bitter about it too. If I were you I'd be listening to what kind of behavior upsets women, regardless of what you feel entitled to or not, in the hopes of bettering the relationship you have with your wife, if there's any hope for your marriage. At the very least to help you understand women in general. Keep thinking the way you do, because it's really working out for ya. :smthumbup:


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## Rotorhead77 (Nov 7, 2013)

triggerhappy said:


> Why don't we all just masturbate on the sidewalk since we're all well aware EVERYONE masturbates.


So you think the problem isn't that he was masturbating, but rather that he let her catch him doing it?

Clearly, from the OP's post, the problem is that he's masturbating at all.

OP says she asked him if he did and he denied it, and that was clearly a mistake...

But shaming him because he masturbates is a mistake on her part.

OP needs to stop taking the fact that he masturbates so personally. It's not about whether or not she is able to satisfy him. Men masturbate because they can, not because they're unsatisfied.

If she is hurt because she felt left out, then she needs to communicate that to him, and they need to figure out a solution together.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

You just made a normal situation bad and potentially worse. Your over-reacting just validated why he was doing it "discretely" without you. Let me ask you, do you tell him when you jill off? Though thats beside the point, you have to realize that in a marriage (I was married 7 yrs...and I'm sure people on here have been much much longer), there are many things to burn emotional energy on but doing that is not one of them as long as it's not affecting work and family life.

WHat you could have done was to join him first, then have a talk about it later. I know it sounds crazy but the minute you make your partner feel bad about sex (specifically sex, compared to other things) you potentially opened up a can of worms that he will now have to re-seal to ensure you never ever get to reopen it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> I find it ironically hilarious that you go around this board giving everyone sexual advice when you have made it clear that your own wife doesn't even want to sleep with you. I wonder why that is?
> You're so bitter about it too. If I were you I'd be listening to what kind of behavior upsets women, regardless of what you feel entitled to or not, in the hopes of bettering the relationship you have with your wife, if there's any hope for your marriage. At the very least to help you understand women in general. Keep thinking the way you do, because it's really working out for ya. :smthumbup:


Not sure what to say here other than to ponder what a remarkably and intentionally hurtful post this is.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> This is exactly what's wrong with a lot of marriages. So many people feel ENTITLED to self gratification without a care in the world of the hurt they are causing their SO. He was caught jerking off and watching porn. How could that not be upsetting? God! :scratchhead:
> 
> the insensitive idiot on the forum who suggests you just deal with it. I could only imagine what the quality of their relationship is.


My relationship is great, thank you very much. I love how people that can't articulate their thoughts into something constructive resort to infantile, playground name-calling, which is probably how you got banned. 

At any rate, I offered her sound advice, which was discussing it with him; That's where most marriages fail- in the communication department. If she doesn't want her man to masturbate, she can offer to help out with that, and come to some sort of agreement/compromise so that she doesn't feel slighted or any less important in the relationship. That sounds like a win/win.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

triggerhappy said:


> This is exactly what's wrong with a lot of marriages. So many people feel ENTITLED to self gratification without a care in the world of the hurt they are causing their SO. He was caught jerking off and watching porn. How could that not be upsetting? God! :scratchhead:


Even though you're in "Time out" right now, I'm still going to respond.

If I understand you correctly, you feel that married persons should try to break out of their egocentric little shells and make an honest attempt to see things from their partner's perspective. In that I would agree with you. It is a struggle for all of us.

Apparently it is a struggle for you too, because you appear to be mired in the idea that being a man is just like being a woman sans any of the crosses that women are forced to bear. 

Believe it or not, men have their own crosses to bear. One of those is that the male sexual apparatus by its very nature produces a fluid and that fluid is stored. Storage capacity is finite. Masturbation is something that most of us learn as adolescents to relieve the pressure.

Between the three options of, A) Waking up an exhausted wife and expecting her to have sex when it won't really be enjoyable for her. B) Being up all night with discomfort and/or pain in your male parts. C) Taking a few minutes to quietly relieve yourself so that everybody can sleep and be happy the next day, which is the more reasonable option? 

Who is being egocentric here?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Geez do I feel lucky. My wife and I have a healthy sex life. But she doesn't mind me doing it to myself and even asks to watch. She says it turns her on.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Geez do I feel lucky. My wife and I have a healthy sex life. But she doesn't mind me doing it to myself and even asks to watch. She says it turns her on.


Mine too Maneo...just last night. You and I are very fortunate! :smthumbup:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> I don't want that to happen, that's why I haven't answer his calls, because I don't know how to react... I do feel hurt because I honestly believe that it has something to do with me... I guess is because I would rather be touch than touch myself unless, I'm not interested in the person anymore


It has nothing to do with you unless you are witholding. Do you participate in love making? Are you open to new things with in reason? Sorry its just the way most men are. I bet if you asked him what the lady in the video looked like he wouldnt be able to tell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Since this happened over a month ago and OP hasn't been back I'm going to assume they got it all worked out.

Miss Scarlett would like to watch. Miss Scarlett's husband is too shy, though. 

With having the means to orgasm within arms reach I'm sometimes surprised our species has become as advanced as it is.


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## Rotorhead77 (Nov 7, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Miss Scarlett would like to watch. Miss Scarlett's husband is too shy, though.


I did it once for my wife, because she was curious what it looked like.... yeah, it's kind of embarrassing, being watched while you self-serve. 

She does, sometimes, when she's not in the mood or can't be touched, get naked and let me use her as my inspiration. It's not as good as actual sex, but at least she's involved. But she isn't watching.

But now I want her to. Maybe I need to ask her about this 



MissScarlett said:


> With having the means to orgasm within arms reach I'm sometimes surprised our species has become as advanced as it is.


:rofl:


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Since this happened over a month ago and OP hasn't been back I'm going to assume they got it all worked out.
> 
> Miss Scarlett would like to watch. Miss Scarlett's husband is too shy, though.
> 
> With having the means to orgasm within arms reach I'm sometimes surprised our species has become as advanced as it is.


Miss Scarlett,

Why don't you put something that your husband finds very erotic (like your worn panties, or sexy pictures, or an erotic note..etc) on his pillow with some sexy instructions and ask that he leave the bedroom door open just a crack.....just "in case" you walk past the door while he is "busy". 

I personally am thrilled that my wife is this creative and sexy. She recognizes when I need a release and makes it fun even on days when she is not up for it. It keeps things fresh and fun in our marriage. It is even better knowing that she "might" be watching. I would bet your husband would love this too. Maybe he is too shy to admit it though. What do you think?


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Not sure what to say here other than to ponder what a remarkably and intentionally hurtful post this is.


I wouldn't worry about it. Whoever triggerhappy is, he/she is obviously heavy on the trigger and light on the happy.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> I wouldn't worry about it. Whoever triggerhappy is, he/she is obviously heavy on the trigger and light on the happy.


Seems that way, but any reasonably self aware person has to ask himself how he can raise that level of irritation in another, even if Trigger used a mischaracterization of my personal circumstances. 

I almost hate to admit it, but it did make me stand up and take notice.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Seems that way, but any reasonably self aware person has to ask himself how he can raise that level of irritation in another, even if Trigger used a mischaracterization of my personal circumstances.
> 
> I almost hate to admit it, but it did make me stand up and take notice.


She or he is just a troll, good that they got banned. Articulating your thoughts is what you do best, evidentally she couldn't do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!


You should have gotten on your hands and knees and gave him an unbelievable BJ while he watched his porn movie.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

1) A man understands his own reactions better than anyone else. I get sensations through masturbating which I do not obtain through intercourse. Only oral as applied by my wife ever comes close.

2) Because my wife is a fundamentalist, I've reassured her that I only think of her while I do it, or of the prior love of my life who has been dead more than 25 years now (MS). My wife understands.

3) Objectively speaking, I doubt the man is fantasizing about the particular women in the porn. Most likely, he is researching variations to perform with you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: Caught Husband Masturbating, how am I supposed to react?*



ocotillo said:


> Storage capacity is finite. Masturbation is something that most of us learn as adolescents to relieve the pressure.


You are joking, right?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: Caught Husband Masturbating, how am I supposed to react?*



Aule said:


> 1) A man understands his own reactions better than anyone else. I get sensations through masturbating which I do not obtain through intercourse.
> 
> CC; That can be a problem if you do it too often
> 
> ...


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> You are joking, right?


Actually, no I'm not. When I was much younger and much more idealistic and sensitive to my wife's religious beliefs, I abstained from any form of release for a prolonged period right after the first child was born. 

The result was congestive prostatitis accompanied by a secondary bacterial infection. It was very, very unpleasant. -Like urinating broken glass. I was on antibiotics for a long time.

The reasons why this had happened and what needed to be done to prevent it in future were explained in detail by a urologist. Bodily fluids taking the form of aqueous suspensions will congeal into semi-solids as water is leached off. What can happen in the male sexual organs is similar in some respects to what can happen in our sinuses. And the feeling of pain and pressure colloquially known as 'blue balls' is actually very similar. 

If you don't mind my asking, clip-clop, could you explain to me the basis for your incredulity? We live in a world where men are pilloried for being ignorant and insensitive when it comes to female physiology and vicisitudes. There was a humorous article along those lines by Gloria Steinem entitled, "If Men Could Menstruate."

I can accept Steinem's rebuke in the spirit in which it was intended, but ideally, shouldn't both genders have more than a passing knowledge of each others physiology?


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

Originally Posted by Aule View Post 
1) A man understands his own reactions better than anyone else. I get sensations through masturbating which I do not obtain through intercourse. 

CC; That can be a problem if you do it too often

AULE; Agreed. I view masturbation as combat MRE's compared to the 5-star banquet which real lovemaking can be with a lady under the right conditions. It's fairly intense, but it doesn't last long and its emotionally unsatisfying. I save it for emergencies.

2) Because my wife is a fundamentalist, I've reassured her that I only think of her while I do it, or of the prior love of my life who has been dead more than 25 years now (MS). My wife understands.

CC; And if she weren't a fundamentalist you would tell her the truth?

AULE; That is the truth, at least for me. I have autism which I compensate for using my intellect. I'm very sensitive, I love seldom and I love deep when it happens. I'm baffled at many of the differences which exist between the way most men think and the way I do. Even the thought of being inside someone the speed of whose thoughts compared to mine are like standing still, has as much appeal to me as many men might consider being inside of an inflateable doll. Casual sex just doesn't do it for me... and I realize the female actors in the porn would never make the time of day for such as I, thus they are unattainable, thus they are ineffective to me for fantasy.

3) Objectively speaking, I doubt the man is fantasizing about the particular women in the porn. Most likely, he is researching variations to perform with you.

CC; Oh the lies men tell.

AULE; There's only so much in-and-out you can watch before you get tired of it. I reached and passed that point more than a decade ago. I keep a Joy Of Sex book handy for reference. Perhaps other men need to see technique in action before they cas use it?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> You are joking, right?


Yep. It's coming out one way or another. Are you unfamiliar with wet dreams?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Of course i am familiar with wet dreams. It seems that older guys must not have them if Ocotillo had so many issues. I well have to read up on what he is saying. 

Are you uncircumsized Ocotillo? The bacterial infection certainly wasn't cause by a lack of masturbation. 

The part that crackedme up, not caused any info angst, sorry to disappoint you, is saying men learn to masturbate because of the pressure. No mention of the pleasure derived. Boys fondle themselves before sexual maturity. No pressure involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!


*OMG girl...chill out. Did you grow up in a convent or something? No one touches you like you touch yourself. You said "Masturbation is totally normal and healthy for SOME people and SITUATIONS" Who are those some people? What situation would a person need to be in for them to be allowed to masturbate in your universe? It means nothing personal to you or your marriage. Your husbands little self love means he had an itch and he scratched it. Watching porn and masturbating to the detriment of performing with a partner is a sign of porn addiction and thats another subject . Right now you need to find a way to help your husband not feel like a creep. You said your spouse is passionate. Why does his passions have to corraled so severly? Your reaction was way out of proportion.
Crawl back to him. Tell him you freaked. Tell him that its all ok.
And next time you catch him masturbating....join in. It can be fun.*


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Of course i am familiar with wet dreams. It seems that older guys must not have them if Ocotillo had so many issues. I well have to read up on what he is saying.


Well most older guys won't let it get that long before ejaculating so neither is needed. If they don't then they will usually have wet dreams every month or two. If you don't, then other problems form like Ocotillo had.



clipclop2 said:


> Boys fondle themselves before sexual maturity. No pressure involved.


Do you have girls? They masturbate when little too. It feels good, so they do it. Both boys and girls quit doing it if mom tells them it's naughty and punish and/or shame them for doing it.

The difference is that boys will start again in early puberty. I gauranfreekingtee that boys will start doing it around 12 or 13 and continue until they are near death unless they are being worn out by one or more women.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

clipclop:



clipclop2 said:


> Of course i am familiar with wet dreams. It seems that older guys must not have them if Ocotillo had so many issues. I well have to read up on what he is saying.


Nocturnal emission (Wet dreams) are common among adolescent males, especially those with access to some form of visual erotica while awake. But the ability to experience that form of release decreases with maturity, experience, and what one feeds their mind on. 

At a philosophical level, I am curious what difference one would see between masturbation while awake and nocturnal emission while dreaming. 




clipclop2 said:


> Are you uncircumsized Ocotillo?


I'm Jewish



clipclop2 said:


> The bacterial infection certainly wasn't cause by a lack of masturbation.


You're wrong. Bacterial infection of the prostate has zero to due with circumcision. It is what is called an 'opportunistic' type of infection. Opportunistic infections are precipitated by conditions conducive to bacterial growth. For example, fluid in the inner ear makes one susceptible to ear infection. Almost anyone who has raised children is familiar with this because the eustachian tubes of young children don't drain well and almost always collect fluid when the child has a cold. Ear infections quite often follow.

Similarly, fluid in the lungs makes one susceptible to pneumonia. Congestion in the sinuses makes one susceptible to sinus infection. Congestion in the prostate make one susceptible to prostate infection. 

Guess what causes congestion in the prostate? 




clipclop2 said:


> The part that crackedme up, not caused any info angst, sorry to disappoint you, is saying men learn to masturbate because of the pressure. No mention of the pleasure derived. Boys fondle themselves before sexual maturity.


I did not say that there was no pleasure involved. Of course there is. I'm pointing out that for adult males there is an underlying physical aspect that can't be ignored for long. This shouldn't be that alien a concept. 



clipclop2 said:


> No pressure involved.


No pressure involved prior to puberty. That changes upon maturity when the sexual organs start actually functioning.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> The reasons why this had happened and what needed to be done to prevent it in future were explained in detail by a urologist. Bodily fluids taking the form of aqueous suspensions will congeal into semi-solids as water is leached off. What can happen in the male sexual organs is similar in some respects to what can happen in our sinuses. And the feeling of pain and pressure colloquially known as 'blue balls' is actually very similar.


I have absolutely noticed this myself. When I go a long-ish time without orgasm (say 7-10 days) my semen gets noticeably thicker, changes color, and becomes and harder to expel. Sometimes it is even slightly painful. I guess I sorta assumed that every man discovered this, eventually.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

This information about men's need to release the pressure is all very interesting, but isn't really relevant to the OP, as she was having regular sex with her husband. Indeed, it sounds like the very same day that she found him masturbating.

And, it seems to me the issue was not actual masturbation itself, but because he chose porn instead of coming to her. Why else would she be sobbing because she doesn't feel like she is "good enough"?

Frankly, I know how she feels, and the endless justifications and explanations as to why men need to choose the porn route instead of caring how their wives feel is pretty tiring.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> You should have gotten on your hands and knees and gave him an unbelievable BJ while he watched his porn movie.


Yeah, 'cuz we all know that a woman's job is to cater to men sexually, no matter how degrading it feels to her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

as to the discussion masterbation v.s. intercourse;

I can get a better feeling by masterbation than intercourse.

But it's not as good a 'high'. coming off with your wife is much better satisfaction because of the bonding and the mutual sharing and knowing you made her feel good.

There's nothing like the feeling few hours after good sex with your wife. 

But as most people here are saying, there are times when you just need to get off on your own, and like other men, I can I know exactly what to do to come off real good when the occasion warants. I don't view porn, but sometimes I'll look at pictures of nekkid or topless women.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Certain posters tend to believe the only time a man should touch his penis is to urinate.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

always_alone said:


> This information about men's need to release the pressure is all very interesting, but isn't really relevant to the OP, as she was having regular sex with her husband. Indeed, it sounds like the very same day that she found him masturbating.
> 
> And, it seems to me the issue was not actual masturbation itself, but because he chose porn instead of coming to her. Why else would she be sobbing because she doesn't feel like she is "good enough"?
> 
> Frankly, I know how she feels, and the endless justifications and explanations as to why men need to choose the porn route instead of caring how their wives feel is pretty tiring.


I would agree if it was interfering with their sex life, but by OP's own account they are having regular and satisfying sex. From your posts, your situation is different and shouldn't be generalized to cover all couples.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> This information about men's need to release the pressure is all very interesting, but isn't really relevant to the OP...


This excursus wasn't in response to the OP. It was in response to a participant who chose to go beyond that situation and start generalizing.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> This excursus wasn't in response to the OP. It was in response to a participant who chose to go beyond that situation and start generalizing.


Fair enough, and my bad, as I didn't read through the whole thread. But I did get the very clear sense that for her the issue was not so much the masturbation, but not feeling good enough.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> I would agree if it was interfering with their sex life, but by OP's own account they are having regular and satisfying sex. From your posts, your situation is different and shouldn't be generalized to cover all couples.


You mean she *thought* he was satisfied, until she found out he wasn't. And was hurt by it.

Maybe not so very different after all.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Hell, my wife wants me to masturbate. Her sex drive is below zero, so in her mind, if I masturbate, I won't want to have sex, which leaves her time to sit around and play her Facebook games and watch her shows.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

I remember my wife got mad at me, once, for masturbating. She got mad at me because I told her, before going to bed, that I want to have sex. She said ok she'd be up in a few minutes. Well I waited 30 minutes and decided to put on some porn and take care of myself. She came up a few minutes after I finished. She locked the door and I told her too late I took care of it. She got mad and said she wanted it. I said I guess you didnt want it as bad as I did. I then rolled over and fell asleep. Now she is quick to take care of me when I tell her


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

A couple thoughts:

OP's man should never had said he didn't J/O. Far and away that set up an improper expectations. I wonder what would cause a man to make such a statement since it is widely assumed that men self-serve. Then again she may have asked him in a leading way when they were dating...something like You don't like watching porn do you?" to which he gave her the response she wanted as he may have suspected that doing otherwise would damage the relationship. Let's keep in mind that new relationships can provide enough sex and perhaps the novely of the new sex, to lead a man to believe that he may not "need" to J/O if they get regular sex. 
It is conceivable that she could have unknowingly and more subtly asked this him with body language of facial expressions that revealed preconcieved idea of what answer she preferred. I mean did he volunteer such information over lunch chit-chat. 

He: so tell me something interesting about you
She: I was voted most popular in high-school. How about you? 
He: Well unlike 99 % of the make population, I don't like porn or jerkin off. 
OR 
She said hey "hey I like to watch porn and do myself with a banana" to which he said....no I only will relieve myself with my partner. 
Sorry...I digress..but, something to ponder....

As to the "we have regular sex..." If you asked my wife we have regular sex she would say yes. There are times that we go a couple weeks and she is not bothered at all. When we have it she will say "we should do that more often". I on the other hand can tell you accurately, give or take 4-5 hours. The elapsed time from my last ejaculation. My groin constantly reminds me of this. 

There are fundamental differences between men and women. Luckily my wife understands what the OP, and some of the women her don't seem to quite appreciate and that is the whole "pressure' thing in a man's body. 

Too many men don't understand that women's hot buttons are located between the ears.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

_When we have it she will say "we should do that more often"._

On the rare occasions that we have sex, my wife will say something like this. Of course she doesn't mean it.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

always_alone said:


> You mean she *thought* he was satisfied, until she found out he wasn't. And was hurt by it.
> 
> Maybe not so very different after all.


I must have missed something. Where does the OP say that her husband told her he wasn't satisfied with their sexual relationship? A man's masturbation does not _necessarily _have anything to do with whether he's satisfied with his sexual relationship with his wife. I agree it might, but it doesn't have to.

I see you don't get that, but fortunately many women do.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> I must have missed something. Where does the OP say that her husband told her he wasn't satisfied with their sexual relationship? A man's masturbation does not _necessarily _have anything to do with whether he's satisfied with his sexual relationship with his wife. I agree it might, but it doesn't have to.
> 
> I see you don't get that, but fortunately many women do.


Ayup. That's the biggest divide on this whole masturbation thing that I see. Guy gets busted with his wiener in his hand. Wife is all broken up, thinking she's been replaced by Rosie. Guy just has this dumbfounded look on his face, like "Dude, I'm just doing what I've been doing for the last 15 years". It has nothing to do with her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I have absolutely noticed this myself. When I go a long-ish time without orgasm (say 7-10 days) my semen gets noticeably thicker, changes color, and becomes and harder to expel. Sometimes it is even slightly painful. I guess I sorta assumed that every man discovered this, eventually.


Sorry to change the subject but this made me curious.

If not expelling seminal fluid regularly can harm the body, what the hell are catholic priests supposed to do? My understanding is that masturbation is not allowed either? Anyone know? Just curious...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Sorry to change the subject but this made me curious.
> 
> If not expelling seminal fluid regularly can harm the body, what the hell are catholic priests supposed to do? My understanding is that masturbation is not allowed either? Anyone know? Just curious...


What did you think the altar boys were for?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Aule said:


> and I realize the female actors in the porn would never make the time of day for such as I, thus they are unattainable, thus they are ineffective to me for fantasy.


We're all different, but isn't fantasizing about the unattainable kind of the point? Why fantasize about what you CAN have?

I realize you said "ineffective TO ME", however. Different strokes. (uh. no pun intended)


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Guy just has this dumbfounded look on his face, like "Dude, I'm just doing what I've been doing for the last 15 years". It has nothing to do with her.


No. Of course not. That's why so many of the guys here are constantly complaining about their sexless wives who refuse to meet their needs, and having to jack off.

It only has nothing to do with her when she complains.

And guys, of course, are always super thrilled when they find out she chooses her vibrator over sex with him.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Yeah, 'cuz we all know that a woman's job is to cater to men sexually, no matter how degrading it feels to her.


It's only degrading if you view it that way. 

If I caught my wife masturbating I'd offer my help. I wouldn't consider it degrading to go down on her while she watched porn, I'd be happy to make her happy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> What did you think the altar boys were for?


Oooh boooo! 

Come on, I really want to know? Any Catholics out there who can answer?

If priests are supposed to be celibate, yet medically this is not good for a healthy adult male to go too long without releasing the building semenal fluids, how then are priests expected to remain testicularly healthy while also being celibate?

Bueller....
Bueller...
Bueller...


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Oooh boooo!
> 
> Come on, I really want to know? Any Catholics out there who can answer?
> 
> ...


What happens to sperm that isn't ejaculated? - The Naked Scientists

15 things you should know about sex - Live Well - NHS Choices

Looks like it may be a myth that men need to ejaculate or their testicles will suffer.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> What happens to sperm that isn't ejaculated? - The Naked Scientists
> 
> 15 things you should know about sex - Live Well - NHS Choices
> 
> Looks like it may be a myth that men need to ejaculate or their testicles will suffer.


Its not a myth. Its not a myth. Its not a myth. Ignore that man behind the curtain. :rofl:


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> If priests are supposed to be celibate, yet medically this is not good for a healthy adult male to go too long without releasing the building semenal fluids, how then are priests expected to remain testicularly healthy while also being celibate?


Interesting question. I suspect that any man entering the priesthood knowing in advance that celibacy is required is not likely to be a high T, high drive male who's body churns out semen in any great quantity to begin with. He's far more likely to be on the asexual end of the spectrum already.

I think the same would be true of monks, although they have a couple of obvious coping mechanisms. They remove themselves from any contact with women whatsoever. --Not even so much as a picture. Memories fade over time and neural pathways weaken with disuse. Their diets are very sparse and bland, almost to the point of being comparable to concentration camp rations, especially in Eastern religions. What they do eat tends to be high in estrogenic compounds, which while not actually lowering T, offsets its effect.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Looks like it may be a myth that men need to ejaculate or their testicles will suffer.


I have a mental picture of the reaction on TAM if an arm-chair Googler expressed incredulity _vis-à-vis _the physical aspects of possessing functioning female reproductive organs. A man could dispute the reality of menstrual cramps if it floats his boat, and women will as likely as not, line up as far as the eye can see to smack him upside the head and tell him he's an idiot who should confine his comments to things that he actually has first hand experience in. 

The medical condition that came up on this thread is called _congestive prostatitis_. Mild forms of it (Epididymal hypertension) are ubiquitous enough among men to merit the colloquial term, 'blue balls.'

Not every man experiences this condition and those who do don't all experience it to the same degree, (Another mild corollary to menstrual cramps in women) but enough do that masturbation as a means of relief becomes a simple matter of cause and effect.

This doesn't necessarily have anything directly to do with the OP, but can perhaps shed some light on why men are very often taken aback at the strength of their partner's emotional reaction and genuinely puzzled over their strong tendency to internalize it and turn it into a negative statement about themselves.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

always_alone said:


> No. Of course not. That's why so many of the guys here are constantly complaining about their sexless wives who refuse to meet their needs, and having to jack off.
> 
> It only has nothing to do with her when she complains.
> 
> And guys, of course, are always super thrilled when they find out she chooses her vibrator over sex with him.


If you want to take your anger over men who aren't loving spouses or good sexual partners out on me, so be it. I have a thick enough skin from years of over generalization on the internet to take it.

Just do some of us the service of not lumping all of us into that category. You can leave me alone about my occasional masturbation, which has not once in my entire 27 year marriage interfered with actual sex with my wife, and I won't complain when you have your period. Everybody wins.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Next time (if there is a next time) you stumble upon him masturbating, tell him you want to help and either give him a hand or mouth, or sit across from him, pull off your panties and show him how it's done.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oooh boooo!
> 
> Come on, I really want to know? Any Catholics out there who can answer?
> 
> ...


Well, I was a Catholic for a long time, including altar boy, and I don't know the answer to this. It doesn't come up in casual polite conversation, even with the openly frank gay priest who was something of a family friend.

A little googling shows that most priests find that they need to ignore the rule against occasional masturbation in the same way most catholic married couples ignore the proscriptions on birth control.

It may not strictly be a life or death decision for most men, but it's a strong enough biological urge that hardly any seem to manage to do without.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I have a mental picture of the reaction on TAM if an arm-chair Googler expressed incredulity _vis-à-vis _the physical aspects of possessing functioning female reproductive organs. A man could dispute the reality of menstrual cramps if it floats his boat, and women will as likely as not, line up as far as the eye can see to smack him upside the head and tell him he's an idiot who should confine his comments to things that he actually has first hand experience in.
> 
> The medical condition that came up on this thread is called _congestive prostatitis_. Mild forms of it (Epididymal hypertension) are ubiquitous enough among men to merit the colloquial term, 'blue balls.'
> 
> ...


Well lemme know if you find assertions on the interwebs refuting menstrual cramps?

Women who over react at their partners occasional wanking are women who either A) don't know sh!t about men and sexuality in general or B) have a man with a wanking problem which causes him to frequently prefer his hand to his wife.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

always_alone said:


> No. Of course not. That's why so many of the guys here are constantly complaining about their sexless wives who refuse to meet their needs, and having to jack off.
> 
> It only has nothing to do with her when she complains.
> 
> And guys, of course, are always super thrilled when they find out she chooses her vibrator over sex with him.


That's not the situation the OP described.

What would be analogous to what the OP described would be if I were exhausted from a hard day, told my wife I desperately needed sleep, and went to bed early. Later I woke up, noticed that my wife wasn't next to me, and went downstairs. There I found her getting herself off to some porn.

Would I be offended? No. Would I feel rejected? No. Would I feel I had to come to a sex forum and seek support? No.

I'd be flippin' turned on that she wanted and needed an orgasm that much. I'd ask whether I could participate--even if only to the extent of mutual masturbation. It would feed my fantasies for quite a while.

Here's hoping it happens!


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

right on Jash


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Well lemme know if you find assertions on the interwebs refuting menstrual cramps?


We both know that no sane person would make such an assertion although there is the rare woman here and there that claims to have little to no discomfort. 

My life experience is different in that regard. I raised three daughters. All three of them (And their mother) were often in sync with each other. It was paradise. :rofl:

What is your statement above in apposition to though? Nobody on this thread has found an assertion on the interwebs refuting congestive prostatitus. The links provided had zero to do with that condition. 

That anyone would even try comes across as insane to most men (Even if they don't know the technical name for it) as a denial of the reality of menstrual cramps would come across to most women and speaks directly to your option 'A' below: 





Anon Pink said:


> Women who over react at their partners occasional wanking are women who either A) don't know sh!t about men and sexuality in general or B) have a man with a wanking problem which causes him to frequently prefer his hand to his wife.


I'd say that option 'B' wouldn't qualify as occasional wanking and that a woman would have every right to be upset about it.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I have a mental picture of the reaction on TAM if an arm-chair Googler expressed incredulity _vis-à-vis _the physical aspects of possessing functioning female reproductive organs. A man could dispute the reality of menstrual cramps if it floats his boat, and women will as likely as not, line up as far as the eye can see to smack him upside the head and tell him he's an idiot who should confine his comments to things that he actually has first hand experience in.
> 
> The medical condition that came up on this thread is called _congestive prostatitis_. Mild forms of it (Epididymal hypertension) are ubiquitous enough among men to merit the colloquial term, 'blue balls.'


I was addressing Anon Pink's question about what Catholic priests are supposed to do and a Google revealed that not all men suffer from blue balls if they don't ejaculate. Ergo not all priests will suffer from blue balls if they follow their church's teaching. No? (I also happen to know that my husband does not suffer from blue balls and he didn't ejaculate for over three years.) I haven't read the entire vast thread so apologies if I have stepped on anyone's toes.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I was addressing Anon Pink's question about what Catholic priests are supposed to do and a Google revealed that not all men suffer from blue balls if they don't ejaculate. Ergo not all priests will suffer from blue balls if they follow their church's teaching. No? (I also happen to know that my husband does not suffer from blue balls and he didn't ejaculate for over three years.) I haven't read the entire vast thread so apologies if I have stepped on anyone's toes.


I appreciate that and apologize that my own bad experience is bleeding through here.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

ankh said:


> Next time (if there is a next time) you stumble upon him masturbating, tell him you want to help and either give him a hand or mouth, or sit across from him, pull off your panties and show him how it's done.


I have a sneaking feeling that MOST men (not all) want to be walked in on & interrupted while MB'ing about as much as his wife/GF (such as the OP) wants to stumble upon him doing so. 
Sorry, just my belief.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> What happens to sperm that isn't ejaculated? - The Naked Scientists
> 
> 15 things you should know about sex - Live Well - NHS Choices
> 
> Looks like it may be a myth that men need to ejaculate or their testicles will suffer.


People are talking past each other. Nobody said testicles, they said prostate health. It will be a bit uncomfortable in the testicles but not harmful. After all, that's what happens after a vasectomy. But the prostate on the other hand..... If you don't let it out, it's coming out anyway.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> People are talking past each other. Nobody said testicles, they said prostate health. It will be a bit uncomfortable in the testicles but not harmful. After all, that's what happens after a vasectomy. But the prostate on the other hand..... If you don't let it out, it's coming out anyway.


As a vasectomy "survivor" and now middle aged man with a prostate to go with my age, I thought about making a post for the ladies outlining all of the specifics about "my leetle friend". Then my better judgment took hold and I passed. 

Let's just say that there's a lot more to having one of these things than you think.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well I for one would like to know if there is something I should know about mr. pink's prostate.

So make the thread please?


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I am with you on the prostate post. I am glad my wife is open to helping keeping the prostate happy as my father passed away with prostate issues. 

You need that thing massaged every once in a while and besides that it feels good. just like the G spot for the ladies


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm afraid I havent read this whole thread, just the first and last three pages, so apologies if this has already been said....

I'm male, mid 40's, married (sexless marriage) and yes I masturbate maybe once/twice a week.

I think masturbation is something very personal and private. You can let your mind wander into a fantasy world... Sometimes I imagine having wild passionate sex with my wife...sometimes I remember having sex with a previous girlfriend and sometimes about the 'check out girl' at the local store.

Its my time for me. However, if my wife caught me, just came to me and started 'blowing me' or just hitched her panties aside and just let me 'in'....WOW!!! But that has never, nor will it, ever happen.

Even if I was getting 'it' every day, I think I would still wank...but maybe not as often.

Without sounding too much of a prude, I think wanking is much more of a man thing. We all do it and we all admit to doing it....women...are a lot more recluctant!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

askari said:


> I'm afraid I havent read this whole thread, just the first and last three pages, so apologies if this has already been said....
> 
> I'm male, mid 40's, married (sexless marriage) and yes I masturbate maybe once/twice a week.
> 
> ...


You sound just like me. I do it in the shower around 3-4 times/week (wife leaves for work early, so assuming kids are still asleep, I can take care of it). Occasionally I think of my wife, a lot of times about the nutty MILF I was involved with years back that wanted it all the time, and occasionally I even dream of my wife's close friend that's a total nymph as well (she's somewhat attractive but not hot, but there's something about her that totally turns me on). 

I make sure my wife isn't around when I'm taking care of myself. I would love to have her just jump in the shower with me, but, like you, that will never happen. 

I remember another posting stating that he knew his marriage was over when he found himself masturbating to thoughts of his wife (meaning that he was reduced to this instead of getting the real thing). This is why I try to refrain from thinking of my wife when I'm in the mood.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

notmarriedyet said:


> I have a sneaking feeling that MOST men (not all) want to be walked in on & interrupted while MB'ing about as much as his wife/GF (such as the OP) wants to stumble upon him doing so.
> Sorry, just my belief.


I agree. Spoils the fantasy of all the other women they would rather be with.

I also think men wouldn't be as sanguine as they pretend if their wives spent as much time watching well hung studs stroking themselves and fantasizing about all those hot men they would rather be with. 

Certainly there's enough TAM threads here to suggest so.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> If you want to take your anger over men who aren't loving spouses or good sexual partners out on me, so be it. I have a thick enough skin from years of over generalization on the internet to take it.


I wasn't taking my anger on you. I was merely pointing to the rude generalizations that served only to undermine the OP.

She said explicitly that she has no problem with masturbation and ever so clearly that her problem was that he chose that over her. But no one believes her,and they just jump all over her for being hung up ad not understanding male sexuality.

I mean c'mon. Who is it taking out their anger and generalizing here?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> That's not the situation the OP described.


But it is what the OP described. What bugged her was not the masturbation, but that he didn't even give her a chance. Just let her go to bed, no offer to "tuck her in", waited mere minutes, then started browsing for porn.

He didn't even give her a chance!

So say what you will about women knowing sh!t about male sexuality, but if you think it requires waiting for your wife to leave the room so you can giddily indulge in fantasizing about other women, then I think she deserves better.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

michzz said:


> No one believes her because her reaction, the context of it, indicates otherwise -- from a male perspective.


Why? Because the male perspective is that they are perfectly entitled to do whatever feeds their pleasure centres, and who cares about anyone else?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Well I for one would like to know if there is something I should know about mr. pink's prostate.
> 
> So make the thread please?


Feel free to make your own....

But here is your first tidbit: Reduced Risk Prostate Cancer with Regular Ejaculation


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Why? Because the male perspective is that they are perfectly entitled to do whatever feeds their pleasure centres, and who cares about anyone else?


Ask the individual. A leading statement like this one is what's known as a generalization.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

always_alone said:


> But it is what the OP described. What bugged her was not the masturbation, but that he didn't even give her a chance. Just let her go to bed, no offer to "tuck her in", waited mere minutes, then started browsing for porn.
> 
> He didn't even give her a chance!
> 
> So say what you will about women knowing sh!t about male sexuality, but if you think it requires waiting for your wife to leave the room so you can giddily indulge in fantasizing about other women, then I think she deserves better.


According to the OP, it was an hour and a half after she went to bed, not "mere minutes." Why do you feel the need to alter the facts?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> According to the OP, it was an hour and a half after she went to bed, not "mere minutes." Why do you feel the need to alter the facts?


Indeed, let's have a refresher from page 1:



> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened.


The entitlement attitude of this guy is just flabbergasting.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> Yes, and we can all clearly see that him masturbating didn't "interfere" with their relationship at all. Not one bit...
> 
> 
> I'm not saying that spouses don't masturbate. What I AM saying is that why can't people just see how that moment in time shocked and upset her, instead of trying to justify why it's ok to masturbate. ffs.


It interfered bc of how poorly she reacted to a perfectly natural thing.She says she understands it's perfectly natural but her reaction contradicts that.

It's all about how we take things that dictate how the situation will turn out.It could have ended up being a much more positive thing had OP reigned in her shock,disgust,and jealousy of her husband wanking it without her. Letting our knee jerk reaction show isn't always the best way.Sometimes it's better to not let our emotions rule us. She could have taken so many better ways out of an awkward moment.

She chose to behave like a child for lack of a better comparison. Why would seeing your husband masturbate shock and upset you?? honestly? The appropriate reaction in a LOVING,TRUSTING relationship is to be turned on or maybe a bit confused about "hey! Why's he leaving me out?! I wanna play too!"

Inappropriate and immature is the route she took instead. She needs to figure out why she behaved that way instead of behaving the way a loving,trusting,caring wife would behave.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

"then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. "

Really,OP? What part of seeing your husband masturbate bc he didn't want to disturb you w/his needs makes you so darn upset? Locked yourself in the bathroom? Who does that past the age of 21? That is no way to have a healthy marriage with good communication.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.
> 
> From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.
> 
> ...


and I LOVE this. Totally perfect reply.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> According to the OP, it was an hour and a half after she went to bed, not "mere minutes." Why do you feel the need to alter the facts?


My mistake. I remembered it as half an hour.

But even so, I have sympathy for her even if she did over-react. Maybe it's just my turn to project my experience, but it's heartbreaking when your SO quietly waits for you to get out of the way so he can finally have some fun.

Nothing says "you're just the one I settled for so I don't have to grow old alone" quite like that.

And it's heartbreaking to see so many utterly dismiss these feelings as childish. Yes, masturbation is normal, and yes, we all do it and have done so since we were 12. 

But how are you supposed to have a loving and trusting relationship when your partner doesn't trust you and doesn't even want to put you first?

ETA: And when blasting me for being a selfish prude who doesn't understand men, please consider that porn use is for giving men the variety and stimulation they "need", and she should just be grateful that he's not actually cheating.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> and I LOVE this. Totally perfect reply.


Until you find out their private thoughts are that he is utterly disappointed and wishes he could have this or that or the other, but hey, at least he has a maid, nanny, and hole.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> My mistake. I remembered it as half an hour.
> 
> But even so, I have sympathy for her even if she did over-react. Maybe it's just my turn to project my experience, but it's heartbreaking when your SO quietly waits for you to get out of the way so he can finally have some fun.
> 
> ...


And yet, my husband never gives me a hard time, no pun intended, for watching porn and masturbating. Granted, he usually doesn't know while it's happening but I almost always tell him later.

Why is it different for women and not for men? Am I being selfish?

No one should ever feel the need or requirement to put a damper on their sex drive. Sometimes, I want my own hand, done my own way, with no one else. Same true for men.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Until you find out their private thoughts are that he is utterly disappointed and wishes he could have this or that or the other, but hey, at least he has a maid, nanny, and hole.


Then you have a completely different issue in your marriage and the symptom is his porn use. I'm sorry your husband is such a d!ck head to you. You don't deserve to be treated like hired help that he also gets to screw sometimes!


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I once dated a girl who was the master of the passive aggressive arts. She once found some internet porn I had open. It started a 2 hour fight, and her first words were "Hows that supposed to make me feel?" Another common theme was "What am I here for then". The fight was so long because I refused to budge. The funny thing was, she said she was always available to me but reality was she was good at placing conditions to when and where. To her that wasn't "lack of availability" but inconvenient circumstances.

Unlike him, I didn't apologize. I said, "Its me, it's who I am, and I aint changing."

Me, I like doing it. Hell I've done it after sex, _because_ sex was good. 

Lets face it, sometimes its about not getting any. Sometimes it just about jerking off!

The OP has successfully taught her husband that its shameful to her, and that he should hide it. Good foundation for marriage.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Why is it different for women and not for men? Am I being selfish?
> 
> No one should ever feel the need or requirement to put a damper on their sex drive. Sometimes, I want my own hand, done my own way, with no one else. Same true for men.


It isn't different. If you're not taking your h's needs/desires into consideration, and putting your pleasure centres ahead of all of that, then yes, you are selfish too. No? Aren't we supposed to adjust our "had them since we were 12 years old" habits to care for our partners?

I mean, if you decided you wanted it your way by your hand, etc., would you blow off your partner to get it? Or would you maybe try to include him?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone:



always_alone said:


> But it is what the OP described. What bugged her was not the masturbation, but that he didn't even give her a chance. Just let her go to bed, no offer to "tuck her in", waited mere minutes, then started browsing for porn.
> 
> He didn't even give her a chance!
> 
> So say what you will about women knowing sh!t about male sexuality, but if you think it requires waiting for your wife to leave the room so you can giddily indulge in fantasizing about other women, then I think she deserves better.


Although it's obvious the OP had an issue with honesty, the clearest, most unequivocal statement of her primary concern was this:



youcantsee said:


> As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did".


I would take that to mean that she was hurt that he still felt the need to masturbate even though they had had sex, in her words, "Yesterday morning."

She viewed that as a symptom of sexual dissatisfaction on her husband's part and a negative commentary on her skill as a lover, her attractiveness and maybe even his love for her, which in turn damaged her sense of self-worth:

To wit:



youcantsee said:


> As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did"


That same basic idea was emphasized through repetition: 



youcantsee said:


> At first my main concern was "Is it because of me?" "Am I not satisfying him?" "He doesn't want me anymore?"



A number of participants both male and female alike attempted to explain the duality of sexual function for men; that with a beloved partner it can be one of the most intense emotional experiences a man can have, but when it comes to masturbation, it is as mechanical and devoid of emotion as urinating.

There's any number of reasons a man, even in the happiest, most sexually fulfilling and loving of relationship might still masturbate from time to time. It is a powerful soporific. It is a stress reliever. There is a physical necessity that a young, healthy man really can feel a day later. 

Most men learn to separate the low-level bodily function aspect if their sexuality from the high-level sentiments of love and concern for their partner and desire to satisfy them. (Which for most of us means holding back as long as we possibly can..) 

And for good reason: You yourself exclaimed on this thread:



always_alone said:


> Yeah, 'cuz we all know that a woman's job is to cater to men sexually, no matter how degrading it feels to her.


Women (At least none of the ones I've ever been that friendly with) don't like being used as a mere sex doll and "Sorry honey. My mind is caught up with a difficult problem at work and I really, really need to pop right now!" just doesn't cut it. Women (Again, in my limited experience) usually want sex to be so much more than that. 

I do understand why the OP was hurt by this and I do have sympathy for her. I think both of them need to learn to communicate better.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

michzz said:


> Boldfaced sentence says it all.
> 
> Perception of the H's motivation is colored by our own experiences.


Fair enough. And there really aren't enough details there to know for sure.

But I read so many posts with so many men talking about how crappy their wives are, or how they need variety, or how porn lets them have what they can't/don't have in their relationship...but if a woman dares to take that personally, she's immediately accused of being controlling, or clueless, or worse. I ask in all sincerity: how else can she possibly take it?

Certainly, when the tables are turned, and she is paying too much attention to Studly Wellhung, it all of a sudden becomes abundantly clear why one might take such things personally, and why it might be important to treat your SO as the number 1.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll agree with always alone here. Not in every case, but in my case I mostly do it because I'm disappointed in the quality and quantity. Actually 14 months ago we were having sex 3-4 times a week. I felt very connected to her and becoming more so and hasn't masturbated in quite a while. Then she made a comment that we couldn't do it every day (we weren't) and it started a slide settling on 1-2 a week. The result? I started masturbating again and feel much less connected. And now that I don't feel I can count on it or trust her with responsibility for my sexual happiness I often masturbate on days she ends up wanting it so my own performance suffers making us both resentful and even less emotional connection. Bottom line is I'm going to orgasm on most days and if I can't trust she'll be available then I'm going to do it myself. If she was always available then I wouldn't do it, I've already shown I can do that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

youcantsee said:


> First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...
> 
> Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...
> 
> I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!


I am new coming to this thread....seems like you are getting an awful lot of slack for your initial reaction.. .if you have other posts on here, I have not seen them, so excuse this... If you have ever rejected your husband in the past.. the whole.."I'm tired, I have a headache" or just pushed him aside... then it makes a lot of sense for him to go and masturbate as he is trying to not bother you, or push you for more sex than you would want...

On the other hand, if your sex drive is HIGHER than his, he knows you want it and jump for sex... you initiate him... he feels your warm embrace and you light up when he comes for you, and it's never too much..I can understand/ sympathize with why you would feel this way...I would as well -- if that was the case..

If I was suffering sexually (which it doesn't sound you are), I'd probably want to knock him out... 

Coming from another perspective entirely here.. in our marriage.. my husband wanted MORE sex but *didn't* masturbate.. and there I was ...doing it in the middle of the night thinking HE didn't want woke up - maybe 3 times a month ...(I always seemed to have more energy over him and I was thinking he wouldn't want woke up)...

But us finally opening up this masturbation talk ( as ridiculous as this may sound, we had 6 kids, and it was 19 yrs into our marriage before we did this.. we were both shocked!)... I figured he likely did that once in a while and he was thinking I NEVER did.. and we were both dead wrong.. 

He was thinking my sex drive was low...and I was thinking he didn't want woke up.. ... the point being... How important is sexual communication.. it's HUGE.... please don't shut him out... if you haven't made it clear you want him every time he is in the mood.. then he simply DIDN'T KNOW.... just as I DIDN'T know my husband wanted me every single time in the middle of the night... 

IT was a Blunder on both our parts.. .today.. .neither of us masturbate, we don't want too, we both prefer each other...savoring every encounter for just the 2 of us.. that is our way... 

Sorry if I have missed how this has played out...


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I would take that to mean that she was hurt that he still felt the need to masturbate even though they had had sex, in her words, "Yesterday morning."


She was also describing the events as "last night", so it was all in the same day. Not the day between that you are implying.

But really the timing is neither here nor there, I suppose, as I've no doubt he was legitimately horny. I just wonder why he wants the porn rather than her.



ocotillo said:


> A number of participants both male and female alike attempted to explain the duality of sexual function for men; that with a beloved partner it can be one of the most intense emotional experiences a man can have, but when it comes to masturbation, it is as mechanical and devoid of emotion as urinating.


I think I've only ever seen the latter. Can't even imagine what it would be for a man to have an intense emotional experience with sex. If he's trading me in for some porn, I figure it's probably all pretty much the same to him.

Although I've seen one or two men here on TAM claim this "love through sex" idea, the overall message I get is that women are mostly interchangeable. 

And that we're supposed to be cool with that, and just understand that men need lots of variety and spice.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

always_alone said:


> She was also describing the events as "last night", so it was all in the same day. Not the day between that you are implying.
> 
> But really the timing is neither here nor there, I suppose, as I've no doubt he was legitimately horny. I just wonder why he wants the porn rather than her.
> 
> ...


Again you are projecting your own unhappy experiences on everyone else. If you are getting the idea that the men here think women are interchangeable with each other and/or with their hand, that's *your *problem that *you *need to address.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

always_alone said:


> I think I've only ever seen the latter. Can't even imagine what it would be for a man to have an intense emotional experience with sex. If he's trading me in for some porn, I figure it's probably all pretty much the same to him.


If this is really how you feel and not just some histrionic hyperbole, then something is broken. Most men who have been in a loving relationship have experienced the intense emotional experience from sex that is reserved just for such relationships.

You keep articulating a false dichotomy - either he loves me and wants sex with me, or he would rather masturbate. Most men, and many women, like anon, want both. They are not mutually exclusive. Doing both does not mean, for most of us, what you seem to think it means.



> Although I've seen one or two men here on TAM claim this "love through sex" idea, the overall message I get is that women are mostly interchangeable.
> 
> And that we're supposed to be cool with that, and just understand that men need lots of variety and spice.


Then we're not reading the same posts. I see a lot of committed husbands who want nothing more than the opportunity to have a more rich, rewarding, frequent, and loving sex life with their wives.

May I respectfully suggest that you start reading what's written here with the intent to understand rather than project? There's a lot to learn from the collective wisdom, pain, and experience from others, most of whom are taking you to task on this issue because you're arguing a straw man.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Can't even imagine what it would be for a man to have an intense emotional experience with sex. If he's trading me in for some porn, I figure it's probably all pretty much the same to him.
> 
> *Although I've seen one or two men here on TAM claim this "love through sex" idea, the overall message I get is that women are mostly interchangeable. *
> 
> And that we're supposed to be cool with that, and just understand that men need lots of variety and spice.


Part of me wants to be angry at this statement, but mostly I just feel sorry for you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_alone said:


> It isn't different. If you're not taking your h's needs/desires into consideration, and putting your pleasure centres ahead of all of that, then yes, you are selfish too. No? Aren't we supposed to adjust our "had them since we were 12 years old" habits to care for our partners?
> 
> I mean, *if you decided you wanted it your way by your hand, etc., would you blow off your partner to get it*? Or would you maybe try to include him?


This is predicated on the assumption that my desire for my own hand trumps his desire for me, which it doesn't. My desire for my own hand is an ALSO factor. I can have him and ALSO do it myself. 

I think you assume that a married man masturbating is replacing his wife, it's not the case. It's an ALSO sitch.

Now men are different in that they need recovery time, sometimes that time takes a full day.

I would be angry as hell if I wanted sex but he couldn't get it up because he had already masturbated. But then again, I've wanted sex and he couldn't get it up because he has ED. That's why we use assorted sex toys.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> You keep articulating a false dichotomy - either he loves me and wants sex with me, or he would rather masturbate. Most men, and many women, like anon, want both. They are not mutually exclusive. Doing both does not mean, for most of us, what you seem to think it means.


Dismiss me all you want. But your caricature of what I'm saying is just as much a straw man as anything I've said. I see so many men here like WoM very unhappy with their wives, their sex lives, and turning to porn/masturbation as a substitute. There are many here who claim outright that they in fact prefer it because they have lost all connection with or all interest in their partners. Or need it for "variety", or for what they cannot have with their spouses.

Does that mean every man -- person -- who masturbates is thinking unhappy or unflattering thoughts (deserved or not) about their partner? Of course not. 

No one here has said that masturbation in and of itself is a problem. No one. Not OP, not me, no one, except maybe the Catholic Church, and even that is debated. No, the only point is that it is not so completely unreasonable or outrageous to take it personally when the supposed love of your life decides it's more fun to go it alone -- even when you are both under the same roof. And especially when, as OP indicated, lies are involved.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Dismiss me all you want.


Deal.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I would be angry as hell if I wanted sex but he couldn't get it up because he had already masturbated. But then again, I've wanted sex and he couldn't get it up because he has ED. That's why we use assorted sex toys.


But that's exactly it! Yes, over the long haul, you would likely have both as you can't always be together and in sync at the same time. But you try, right? And it's bloody awful when one side of the equation simply decides their immediate gratification simply preempts the needs/desires of the partner.

Surely that's one reason why withholding sex is so mean? Is that so very different from taking care of yourself without considering what your partner might want? Wouldn't you also expect him to be furious if your masturbation trumped his desire for you?

My SO says he "doesn't think," but I wish he would sometimes. I always try to consider his needs and desires, but he just compulsively does whatever he wants whenever, leaving me to learn first-hand how many unhappy thoughts one can have while masturbating.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Part of me wants to be angry at this statement, but mostly I just feel sorry for you.


Why would it make you angry?

If you don't feel this way, then it doesn't apply. Right?


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It interfered bc of how poorly she reacted to a perfectly natural thing.She says she understands it's perfectly natural but her reaction contradicts that.
> 
> It's all about how we take things that dictate how the situation will turn out.It could have ended up being a much more positive thing had OP reigned in her shock,disgust,and jealousy of her husband wanking it without her. Letting our knee jerk reaction show isn't always the best way.Sometimes it's better to not let our emotions rule us. She could have taken so many better ways out of an awkward moment.
> 
> ...







U.E. McGill said:


> I once dated a girl who was the master of the passive aggressive arts. She once found some internet porn I had open. It started a 2 hour fight, and her first words were "Hows that supposed to make me feel?" Another common theme was "What am I here for then". The fight was so long because I refused to budge. The funny thing was, she said she was always available to me but reality was she was good at placing conditions to when and where. To her that wasn't "lack of availability" but inconvenient circumstances.
> 
> Unlike him, I didn't apologize. I said, "Its me, it's who I am, and I aint changing."
> 
> ...



Wife: baby, do you masturbate? Do you use porn if you do?

Husband: no way my love! I don't masturbate and I never look at porn!

Wife walks in on H masturbating. To porn. 

He lied. 

Should she be shocked that her H flat out LIED TO HER FACE? The person she's supposed to trust, her other half, her partner in crime, her us-against-the-world partner - lied to her. About something that can damage a woman's self esteem and question her husbands view of her. 

Why is this dynamic being completely overlooked? Maybe I'm lost in the sea of wives hurt by their H's porn/MB habits (myself included) but I think I recall OP stating she asked her H if he did these things? And he denied it? I could be wrong. 

Either way, men defend, defend, defend to the death of their marriage if need be - their "right" to use porn and have a private sex life - outside of their marriage - because that's exactly what it is no matter what way you chose to slice it or justify it. And it goes for both men and women alike. 

And through their defense, They act like us women are ridiculously naive to think that they do NOT MB ever never ever, or look at porn. 

Yet when asked in an honestly "trying to communicate" non-confrontational husband/wife marriage discussion, they LIE. 99% of the time will deny masturbation or at the very least completely low ball the frequency, etc.
But us women are the morons who act shocked when the person were supposed to be able to rely on and trust with our own secrets lie to us about theirs. To me, that is indeed a lock yourself in the bathroom and cry type of offense.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Why would it make you angry?
> 
> If you don't feel this way, then it doesn't apply. Right?


Because you're painting men with a broad brush, and it comes off that you essentially believe men are lying about feeling an emotional component to sex. As I said, the statement makes me a little angry, but I don't know you well enough to get really mad. It does make me sad for you that circumstances have put you at a place in life that you think men are unfeeling liars.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> Wife: baby, do you masturbate? Do you use porn if you do?
> 
> Husband: no way my love! I don't masturbate and I never look at porn!
> 
> ...


Ok I did miss early where she said "even when I asked him and he lie[d]..

But I did read the part where he said he had a problem and he'd been doing it since he was a teen, etc. So at some point he was conditioned it was wrong and felt he needed to hide it from her. 

Did he lie? Yes. Did he lie before? Yes.

Sounds to me like he has some deep seeded conditioning that it's wrong and was ashamed to tell his wife because he didn't trust her response. Then she flipped out that he was doing it. Locked herself in a room and reinforced to him AGAIN that it's something shameful. All the while framing it under the reference of "does he do this because I'm less desirable"

You are right. She should have said "why did you lie to me and not trust how I would react years go when I asked?"

Instead she freaked out and reinforced why he should lie. Trust is a two way street and they both damaged it.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

notmarriedyet said:


> Wife: baby, do you masturbate? Do you use porn if you do?
> 
> Husband: no way my love! I don't masturbate and I never look at porn!
> 
> ...


Ok I did miss early where she said "even when I asked him and he lie[d]..

But I did read the part where he said he had a problem and he'd been doing it since he was a teen, etc. So at some point he was conditioned it was wrong and felt he needed to hide it from her. 

Did he lie? Yes. Did he lie before? Yes.

Sounds to me like he has some deep seeded conditioning that it's wrong and was ashamed to tell his wife because he didn't trust her response. Then she flipped out that he was doing it. Locked herself in a room and reinforced to him AGAIN that it's something shameful. All the while framing it under the reference of "does he do this because I'm less desirable"

You are right. She should have said "why did you lie to me and not trust how I would react years go when I asked?"

Instead she freaked out and reinforced why he should lie. Trust is a two way street and they both damaged it.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I wish I caught my wife masturbating....Atleast it would show me that she had SOME sexuality even if not for me!

Its great to 'see' some of the female posters on here admit that they wank and sometimes to porn.
Wanking is perfectly normal.

Let me ask the wives and girlfriends out there this; if your partner wanted sex 2-3 times a week (which, lets face it is not unreasonable) yet you only wanted it once a month and werent prepared to compromise on maybe once a week.....

Which would you prefer; 
1) your partner 'sorting' himself out in the bathroom or infront a computer screen?
2) your partner seeking sexual relief outside the marital house with another woman?

I am NOT trying to emotionally blackmail women....all I am trying to say is that men wank...for whatever reason...its a man thing.

As one poster said, we often do it just to releive stress, its a quick release. I am sure there are men who have great sex with their wives 5 times a week who still wank occasionally!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Because you're painting men with a broad brush, and it comes off that you essentially believe men are lying about feeling an emotional component to sex. As I said, the statement makes me a little angry, but I don't know you well enough to get really mad. It does make me sad for you that circumstances have put you at a place in life that you think men are unfeeling liars.


Well it's men themselves that have been telling me all my life that sex is meaningless. Porn means nothing because it's just pictures. Trolling craig's list means nothing, it's just curiosity. Webcams mean nothing because you're not in physical contact. That affair means nothing because I didn't love her--it was just sex. Sleeping with you means nothing, I was just horny and needed an FWB. Marriage is a mistake for men because they will suffer and pay the price, and women are just trying trap them. Men need variety and sex and more sex, and it's just a biological urge that means nothing more than urinating.

And so on. This is all from actual men, not words I have put into anyone's mouth. What am I supposed to think? That someone who says I love you actually does? Even when it turned out they never did?

I don't think all men are unfeeling liars, and I'm always happy to read posts from men who genuinely love and respect their wives.

But the ones trashing women or marriage or LTRs, or that talk about women as pieces of meat that should be [email protected] and not heard, or consistently dismiss women as utterly ignorant because they fail to accept the script they've been handed always bring me down.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

michzz said:


> perception is not reality.


Well, this is most certainly true. But your take is just as skewed as anyone else's here. No one has said that there is anything wrong with masturbation. Everyone has agreed that both men and women enjoy it. The disagreement here is not at all about equivalencies, nor is it to shame anyone, or say there is anything wrong with solo sex.

The question, as I see it is whether one partner has the right to unilaterally decide how their mutual sex life should be.

When you go to a withholding thread, the answer is a resounding no. When you go to a porn thread, the answer is a resounding yes, and when you try to point out some of the discrepancies or problems with this, you immediately get labelled as a willfully ignorant sex shaming shrew.

Why is that, do you suppose?

My sense is that the presumption is that the unilateral decision made by the latter is either justified by the failings of the partner or is neutral and has no impact on the relationship. But the witholder, on the other hand, is clearly cruel, selfish, and ignorant.

There is a lot of accusations about ignorance of male sexuality, and an assumption that female sexuality is well understood. I think this might be because in this world male sexuality trumps female sexuality every time. I've been told time and time again that I have to understand and cater to male needs. But my needs? Only relevant to the extent that they coincide with those of men.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> The question, as I see it is whether one partner has the right to unilaterally decide how their mutual sex life should be.


And why would anyone in a healthy marriage feel that they have the right , either to decide how mutual their sex life should be with their partner or how often their partner should enjoy solo sex?

And where is this idea coming from that masturbation = dissatisfaction with their sex lives?

The idea in marriage is for mutually satisfying sex lives, not control of each other's sexuality.

BTW, Withholding is also a form of control.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Well it's men themselves that have been telling me all my life that sex is meaningless. Porn means nothing because it's just pictures. Trolling craig's list means nothing, it's just curiosity. Webcams mean nothing because you're not in physical contact. That affair means nothing because I didn't love her--it was just sex. Sleeping with you means nothing, I was just horny and needed an FWB. Marriage is a mistake for men because they will suffer and pay the price, and women are just trying trap them. Men need variety and sex and more sex, and it's just a biological urge that means nothing more than urinating.
> 
> And so on. This is all from actual men, not words I have put into anyone's mouth. What am I supposed to think? That someone who says I love you actually does? Even when it turned out they never did?
> 
> ...


This is pretty sad. I can tell you that not all men are like this. But, and this is the medicine, there's one thing common in all those things you've heard from men. You. 

Flip the script. You are pretty articulate, well written woman. Don't ever accept bull****. 

Judge people by their actions. If a guy is cheating on you, he's a cheat, no matter what he says. If he's a loving husband, who's always been faithful, but gets caught doing something he's uncomfortable discussing, BOTH parties need to work in open and communicative style.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> When you go to a withholding thread, the answer is a resounding no. When you go to a porn thread, the answer is a resounding yes...


Are either of those two extremes applicable to this thread?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> And why would anyone in a healthy marriage feel that they have the right , either to decide how mutual their sex life should be with their partner or how often their partner should enjoy solo sex?


Presumably it's mutual, no? And if one partner's actions are having negative consequences for the other, they might consider changing or compromising. No? Instead of assuming that said partner is a controlling shrew? 




Caribbean Man said:


> And where is this idea coming from that masturbation = dissatisfaction with their sex lives?


From all the people who are clearly dissatisfied with their sex lives and pointing out that solo sex is how you achieve the quantity, quality, and variety that they need.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Are either of those two extremes applicable to this thread?


The OP did take quite a beating, IMHO


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> Judge people by their actions. If a guy is cheating on you, he's a cheat, no matter what he says. If he's a loving husband, who's always been faithful, but gets caught doing something he's uncomfortable discussing, BOTH parties need to work in open and communicative style.


Great theory, but more difficult in practice. Many cheaters never get caught, and present as loving partners. Many people who are utterly unhappy claim to be satisfied. Many hide or cover up simply because they know their actions/ideals are deal-breakers for their partner, and they just want to have their cake and eat it too.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Presumably it's mutual, no? And if one partner's actions are having negative consequences for the other, they might consider changing or compromising. No? Instead of assuming that said partner is a controlling shrew?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Again, how and why does a simple , act of one touching themselves in a manner that gives _them_ pleasure create negative consequences for their spouse, and marriage, if the other spouse is fully satisfied with the quality and frequency of sexual activity within that marriage?

I love to cook for my wife. I cook at home most times, and she loves my cooking. However sometimes she likes to get into the kitchen and cook a meal exactly how _she_ wants it for herself.
I hate Sardines, and how they smell , she loves sardines and whenever she's in the mood, she gets into the kitchen and does Sardines exactly how she likes to have it done. Doesn't mean that she dislikes my grilled swordfish , Spanish rice and fresh salad or whatever * specials * I like cooking for her.
I don't see any " negative consequences " from her cooking & eating her own sardines other than if she _only_ wanted 
sardines , and no longer wanted my food.

To me , telling her not to cook sardines whenever she craves it, because I hate how it smells, is a bit controlling.I know she loves my food, but she also likes sardines ever since she was a kid. 
In the same vein, telling a partner not to pleasure themselves because you dislike it , can amount to controlling behaviour.

Can you see that?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Can you see that?


Of course I can see that. But your "if" is a big one.

No problem at all if your wife still loves your swordfish and Spanish rice, and her penchant for sardines doesn't ruin your culinary plans. 

But what if she loves to snack, and you cook up a big meal for her, only to find that she is already full? What if she only nibbles half-heartedly at your swordfish, but gets giddy with excitement when anticipating her sardines? What if it turns out she only said she liked the swordfish so as not to hurt your feelings? What if her love of sardines meant that you started having more and more separate meals? What if she started smearing sardine sauce all over your grilled to perfection swordfish? Or spent each meal wishing it were more like sardines? What if her breath continually smelled of sardines, enough to make you not want to kiss her? 

Can you not see the very many problems that can arise here?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> In the same vein, telling a partner not to pleasure themselves because you dislike it , can amount to controlling behaviour.


BTW, I would never tell my partner, or anyone for that matter, not to pleasure themselves. 

And I even agree it has a time and place. But I also think that those (in monogamous relationships) who believe it's nobody's business but their own, and no harm is ever caused to their partner are fooling themselves.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So he should have woken her up and asked her for permission?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The OP left the building about 20 pages back, I believe.

In the context of where the thread is now, lets take this for a spin ...

Wife gets baby down and then goes to bed herself. Hubs starts feeling randy. Knows damn well if he goes and wakes wifey looking to get lucky it isnt going to be well received, and doing so would be insensitive and selfish.

So the wiser choice for him and mommys sleep is that he rubs one out. Hell he may actually be masturbating out of courtesy.

Wifey wakes up, catches him with hairy palms and how is he perceived?
Insensitive and selfish.

No man should 'sneak' around meeting his own needs, whether he thinks he is doing his wife a favor, or does so for fear of rejection.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> BTW, I would never tell my partner, or anyone for that matter, not to pleasure themselves.
> 
> And I even agree it has a time and place. But I also think that those (in monogamous relationships) who believe it's nobody's business but their own, and no harm is ever caused to their partner are fooling themselves.



Thing is , I agree with your sentiment , but I believe that your fundamentals are a bit off.
The issue in not a simple black and white issue.
There are literally " _fifty shades of grey _" in between. Different levels of intimacy , different sex drives , moral sensibilities of both partners,context, emotional maturity and so forth.

So here's what I agree with.
In marriage , we should be always cognizant or sensitive to exactly how our spouse feels on any given " issue." The decisions we take and the things we do always affect our partners in one way or another.
However , that is a two way street and we must also be cognizant of , and sensitive enough to understand why our partner do the things they do , and recognize that even though we are married , what a person thinks , feels and does with their body , is solely their responsibility, hence their business.

Ostensibly ,how it affects the marriage is up to the maturity , emotional and otherwise , of both partners.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> So here's what I agree with.
> In marriage , we should be always cognizant or sensitive to exactly how our spouse feels on any given " issue." The decisions we take and the things we do always affect our partners in one way or another.


Yes! Thank you!



Caribbean Man said:


> However , that is a two way street and we must also be cognizant of , and sensitive enough to understand why our partner do the things they do , and recognize that even though we are married , what a person thinks , feels and does with their body , is solely their responsibility, hence their business.


Well yes and no to this one. I watched my SO gain a bunch of weight. I encourage him, for obvious reasons, to take better care of himself, but I don't nag or monitor his diet or tell him what to do because I agree that it's his body, his life, and he can do what he wants. But this weight gain affects his health, his libido, his energy, and so also affects me.

Now by TAM standards it would be fully understandable if I were to call this a deal-breaker, as it is widely accepted that we as committed lovers have a duty to stay attractive for each other. But I choose not to because (a) I don't want to throw something good away over something superficial and (b) I firmly believe that he deserves to be treated as an independent adult who can make his own decisions. Despite what people here accuse me of, I am not at all controlling.

My SO also chooses to masturbate frequently. He knows full well that my drive is higher than his, and that I would love more lovin' as it were. But he says he no longer has the stamina, and basically tells me I should take care of myself. When I ask him what I can do to improve our sex life, he tells me he is satisfied, and remains seemingly indifferent as to whether I pull out all the stops (which I did for a while to get his attention) or lie there like a corpse (which is not my style, really, but I had to test it). He continues to not have stamina to work on our sex life, and continues to regularly spend what stamina he has on porn.

He, at least as far as he is telling me, is perfectly satisfied and happy with his freedom to be his self, as he wants. I ask: at what point do I get to say that I also have a stake in this? Or am just supposed to follow the typical TAM advice, put my foot down, and walk away?

Now it's true that OP's h genuinely thought he was being considerate of his exhausted wife. And maybe it was just one of those things and she got overly hysterical about it. 

However, I'm more inclined to think that if someone gets that upset, there is probably much more to the story. That's been my experience, at any rate. 

And yes, we can all just throw our hands up in the air and walk away when we realize these two independent beings aren't perfectly compatible. Or one person can just do all of the accommodating, while the other congratulates themselves on how satisfied they are. But we both know that this isn't really what marriage is about, don't we?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

always_alone said:


> The OP did take quite a beating, IMHO


The OP got several kind and well thought out replies from other women and seemed satisfied with them. 

It seems to me that the thread took the usual turn when all the rest of us who come from complete opposite ends of the spectrum started discussing it among ourselves.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Knows damn well if he goes and wakes wifey looking to get lucky it isnt going to be well received, and doing so would be insensitive and selfish.


Does he know this? Lots of women enjoy be being woken up this way, and I would guess from her post that this is exactly what she would have preferred him to do.

Men really seem to operate from the assumption that women are rejecting, sex-hating gatekeepers. Now I get that many men here seem to be married to this type, so that's probably part of it.

I suspect though that this emphasis on "consideration" is largely that "rationalization hamster" that women are always accused of having.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> The OP got several kind and well thought out replies from other women and seemed satisfied with them.
> 
> It seems to me that the thread took the usual turn when all the rest of us who come from complete opposite ends of the spectrum started discussing it among ourselves.


Yes. Too true. Okay I'll shut up now.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Yes! Thank you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I agree with everything you said here, but , and there is a but, like you said of the OP in her case, "_ there's more to the story_."
This is also true in your case to the extent that, IMO you are enabling your husband's abusive behaviour towards you. This might not be the same in the OP's case , but I have been on your initial threads and remember being one of the few telling that your husband's behaviour disrespectful towards you.

In my preceding post on this thread ,which you responded to , I closed off by saying:

" _Ostensibly ,how it affects the marriage is up to the maturity , emotional and otherwise , of both partners._"

Recognizing , refusing to reward bad behaviour, and holding one's spouse accountable for their choices and actions, invariably, also lies along _that_ continuum of maturation.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Recognizing , refusing to reward bad behaviour, and holding one's spouse accountable for their choices and actions, invariably, also lies along _that_ continuum of maturation.


Okay, I know I promised to shut up, but I have to ask: how do you hold someone accountable when they are completely satisfied with the status quo and honestly believe they are doing the best they can?

Yes, I can leave. I get that, but what else is there?

Talk to him? Been there, done that. 

Refuse to have sex with him? But that's withholding, and besides just punishes me. 

And what makes you think I reward his bad behaviour? As far as I can tell, the simple truth is that I have no control over his behaviour at all. 

Oh, and for the record, he is *not* abusive. I would walk away from that in a heartbeat.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Does he know this? Lots of women enjoy be being woken up this way, and I would guess from her post that this is exactly what she would have preferred him to do.
> 
> *Men really seem to operate from the assumption that women are rejecting, sex-hating gatekeepers*. Now I get that many men here seem to be married to this type, so that's probably part of it.
> 
> I suspect though that this emphasis on "consideration" is largely that "rationalization hamster" that women are always accused of having.


Yes, they do. And this stereotype is perpetuated in pretty much all aspects of modern culture from movies, TV, print, water cooler talk. It does a great disservice to women, just as the stereotype about men sticking it into anything with a pulse does great disservice to men. Actually, those stereotypes are not good fr anyone...men or women.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Okay, I know I promised to shut up, but I have to ask: how do you hold someone accountable when they are completely satisfied with the status quo and honestly believe they are doing the best they can?
> 
> Yes, I can leave. I get that, but what else is there?
> 
> ...


I think given the scope of the problem in your relationship , the bigger more pertinent question would be , why are you afraid to stand up to your SO?
Why are you always second guessing yourself about leaving him if fulfilment of your sexual needs are consistently being denied in lieu of his preference to satisfying himself with porn?
From all accounts, he has replaced sexual intimacy with you with his love affair with porn.
It doesn't or shouldn't matter how ' nice " he is in other areas,
Withholding sex from a spouse is a form of abuse .


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

always_alone said:


> Does he know this? Lots of women enjoy be being woken up this way, and I would guess from her post that this is exactly what she would have preferred him to do.
> 
> Men really seem to operate from the assumption that women are rejecting, sex-hating gatekeepers. Now I get that many men here seem to be married to this type, so that's probably part of it.
> 
> I suspect though that this emphasis on "consideration" is largely that "rationalization hamster" that women are always accused of having.


Lots of women that are new mothers like being awakened for sex? I'd love to see that poll.

Women aren't rejecting, sex-hating gatekeepers. Many ... MARRIED women who place far more emphasis on themselves, their children, and their disdain for their otherwise loving and hard-working husbands are rejecting, sex-hating gatekeepers.

I accept that many husbands fall far short of the mark of being good, respectful, and loving men.

I never quite understand why we hit a snag when we flip the script. Instead, the prevailing belief is the dude deserves it, or brought it on himself.

I'm not defending this guy. Based on what was posted, it sounded it utterly and completely harmless. I can call this one easy. New mom, probably not feeling like her body is her own yet, and still carrying some baby weight. She goes to bed, husband doesn't want to awaken her because he's horny, then he gets caught watching porn and feels like a kid caught with his hand in the ... ya'know ...

Her mind says that he is watching women with a body she doesn't have (at the moment) and her self esteem and trust of him hits the crapper.

My perspective is that NOBODY did anything wrong in this scenario. It is simply a rather tragic series of events where both partners end up feeling like crap. If their relationship is loving and supportive, it will involve an open conversation and no doubt, a speedy and amicable resolution.

You don't have this in your marriage. 

I didn't have it in mine. My ex had developed physical issues surrounding sex, and later a full blown aversion towards sex with me. I had no desire to hurt her or cause her pain. Was it frustrating? Incredibly. She ENCOURAGED me to masturbate, and maintained a perspective that I often see echoed here, that is utterly, and completely false. The belief that all a guy wants is to 'get off'.

I have read yours, and other posts time and again, where the sole message I take away is that the feeling is that men believe women are simply a vehicle for sex. 

Certainly not the case for me, I assure you.

If just 'getting off' were sufficient, we wouldn't have remotely the number of sexless posts that we do here.

If just getting off were sufficient I'd still be married and having a sexual relationship with my computer, and everyone would be happy.

Men, virtually EVERY man here on this board wants to have a mutually fulfilling, active, and robust sexual relationship with his spouse or partner. 

Are there some outliers and knuckleheads? Sure there are. But for your average sexless guy that finds his way here ... he wants to make his wife happy and feel loving towards him. He's not solely interested in getting her to put out.

I'm not trying to shut you up or prove you wrong. Because I don't really think that you are wrong. But ... the experiences that you have had that have led you to feel the way you do about men and sex, is virtually diametrically opposed to the average guy that finds his way here struggling with why his wife doesn't desire him, or worse, why she desires or is schtupping another man.

Your experience doesn't ring true on the ears of lots of the guys on TAM. Just as the stories or perspectives of those men don't ring true on yours.

I reckon that's what makes these discussions look like they keep going in circles.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think given the scope of the problem in your relationship , the bigger more pertinent question would be , why are you afraid to stand up to your SO?


I am not afraid to stand up to my h. I do it all the time. The reason I don't consider trading him in for a better model is that I'm not sure there is one.

Don't get me wrong. I read what some guys write here about their wives and gfs, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Not an easy feat, to be sure.

But then I read other stuff, and end up believing that many (most? Certainly some of the most committed!) have their eyes and minds on every short skirt and pair of breasts out there. And since there is no shortage of these, I can't help but wonder where y'all find the time to even remember that you even have wives. And more to the point, why you would be surprised that your wives might take it personally. I mean, wouldn't you take it personally if your wife had her eyes and mind on every tight a$$ out there, and when called on it, just shrugged and said "Get over it. That's just how women are built?"

Anyway, this is just my overly verbose way of saying that I think my h is just a normal guy, and real choice is to either learn to live with it or to just be single.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I have read yours, and other posts time and again, where the sole message I take away is that the feeling is that men believe women are simply a vehicle for sex.
> 
> Certainly not the case for me, I assure you.
> 
> If just 'getting off' were sufficient, we wouldn't have remotely the number of sexless posts that we do here.


Yes. This is the feeling. Exactly. And while I know that you, Sam, CM and others here are absolutely right to say that this stereotype does a great disservice to men, it can be bloody hard to shake.

Why? I don't know exactly, but I will say that men themselves often reinforce this belief through their attitudes and actions towards women. And I'm not just talking about knuckleheads here, but well-intentioned and decent guys. 

It is literally heartbreaking to hear the one you love wants to do your best friend or the cashier at the coffee shop, or any number of other women. Yet men happily admit that this is where they are at, and what they are thinking. And women aren't supposed to take this personally? Really?

When I see a guy treat a woman like an object, I assume he sees me the same way. Why wouldn't he? It's not like I'm any more human than she is. And odds are pretty good that she's a nicer person, and easier to get along with. 

On top of that women are literally trained to think that only our looks matter, and our personalities and abilities are irrelevant. This message is reinforced over and over again in a way that I think men simply do not experience. 

All together, it makes it very, very hard to believe that you might actually be special to someone -particularly as you age and fall apart, and notice how easily your partner is attracted to someone else.

I'm sorry for what happened to your marriage. I really hope I'm not making the same mistake that your wife did.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I just want to say a big thanks to all of you who not only tolerated my immense hijack of this thread, but listened and came back with such thoughtful responses.

You guys are all right!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're top shelf AA.
And yes, I do think we are rather awesome at times.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

Maybe it's my autism, or maybe because I am male, but I am presently at an utter loss to understand what all the fuss is about.

I would understand if some of the women posting why a faithful male should never masturbate, are either Orthodox Jews or Roman Catholics, because in either of those milleux such is forbidden. 

I also know of a New Testament verse which says that any man who imagines making love to someone other than his own wife is committing adultery in his heart, and I suppose a great many women are raised to believe this to be exactly true, that it's the imagery surrounding the masturbation that the husband is guilty of than the action itself, because she would see it as a predictor of an eventually failing marriage. 

The problem, though, is this. Regardless of how territorial female human beings are designed to be, any attempt to address their insecurities regarding their relationship by appointing themselves as thought police is ultimately going to fail, pushing the male further away rather than provide an sudden opportunity to improve the existing bond.

All the more reason to get to know your partner THOROUGHLY before marriage, regarding ALL sexual issues, masturbation among them. 

Case-in-point:

I didn't realize my wife was actually a young-earth fundamentalist until 10 years into the marriage. I had assumed every schoolteacher was rational enough for understand that revealed faith cannot trump observations. It's causing me a lot of pain right now. I had been Jewish, and I had been running away from it for as long as I could remember. I didn't realize she cared so much about being Baptist, because she never mentioned it while dating and we never discussed the details of either of our religions until recently. I though she was running away from being Baptist, because she had premarital sex with two men before meeting me. She was extremely impressed with me giving her, her very first. orgasm while I was dating her... with only my hands. She just doesn't get orgasms by intercourse, and I understand that to be extremely common. That said, I thought she was loose as I was. It's not exactly behavior one would predict of a lady actual devoutness.

It's been a real headache for me this past year or so, but so far she has explicitly told me she would never order me to go to church with her. That's helped.

All I'm saying is, there are far bigger problems to worry about in a marriage than this. It's like comparing a concussion with a decapitation.


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