# That’s yours, this is mine!



## 142 (Mar 23, 2010)

Do you ever get tired of your spouse taking their stress out on you? Are they sarcastic? Do they ridicule? I get this from my husband! He has external stress, (external meaning anything outside of our home). When he comes home, he dives into a passive/aggressive, beat the dog mentality, which simply drives me crazy! 
No matter how many times I’ve tried to explain to him the whole pointing fingers, blaming game is in reality a poor me control drama w/ a child ego state, he simply doesn’t get it, and/or refuses to take responsibility for his own issues; thus the “that’s yours and this is mine title”. 
I’d like to know why it’s so hard for him to vent his stress in a healthy way that does not fall into that whole category of bashing others so I can feel good about myself scenario? 
Why can’t he own his own, talk about the who and/or why, what’s causing the stress, and let the steam go- without my help? 
This is my biggest gripe, I’m always the one to redirect the energy to get him (us) back to good, even after taking a few hits for the team (marriage), meaning his waspish tongue! 
I hold my own; stay centered within an adult ego state of consciousness. I’m gentle, kind, non-judgmental, and sincere. I engage his truth not his drama, I ask the right questions so that he can pin point what’s truly bothering him, and discover how it makes him feel. 
I realize he’s become dependent on me to get him through the fog and see the blue skies! Now I feel like not helping him and just going about my own business, and try to ignore his hurtful waspiness. 
Any thoughts or opinions on this matter would be appreciated, thank you!


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

i can relate but beware you are holding your own NOW trust me when i say after years of this i to was entle kind and never yelled slowly i even saw myself change... i got to a point i didn't like me.. i was him. i am making large efferts to find me again we have been together 20 years and last xmas he looked at me and said i was all the things i seen him doing (yet still not saying he does it)

you can only control you... and your actions. when he starts i have learned to say... time out mister.. (our hint he needs to go run or vent then come back) it takes lots of time but keep pointing it out even if you wait at 1st till the stress passes then start sooner each break out... it took time for him to rely on you to fix him it will take time to learn to do it himself..


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ok, not justifying his actions at all here, based verbatim on what you posted he has anger issues.

to play devils advocate: do you have similar stresses outside the home that you are able to supress and control at home and around him? is his stress a result of his job and do you also have a job outside the home?

i only ask because as a working man with a wife that is stay at home, there is no way to state the stresses are the same. i will let you answer the questions (if you want of course)


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## 142 (Mar 23, 2010)

momof6girls said:


> i can relate but beware you are holding your own NOW trust me when i say after years of this i to was entle kind and never yelled slowly i even saw myself change... i got to a point i didn't like me.. i was him. i am making large efferts to find me again we have been together 20 years and last xmas he looked at me and said i was all the things i seen him doing (yet still not saying he does it)
> 
> you can only control you... and your actions. when he starts i have learned to say... time out mister.. (our hint he needs to go run or vent then come back) it takes lots of time but keep pointing it out even if you wait at 1st till the stress passes then start sooner each break out... it took time for him to rely on you to fix him it will take time to learn to do it himself..


Thank you for your response! I do hold my own, keep my own council, and take the “time outs” needed to gather my thoughts before I open my mouth in response to the verbal bashing. This self control keeps me centered as opposed to when I was younger and would immediately respond, usually in an engaging drama, resulting in a loose/loose situation. Naming the drama helps; as does expressing my own feelings.
I like your idea of sending him into “time outs”, this is exactly what I’ve done with my child as he was growing up, though my hubby complains that I treat him like a child when I do this. I’m fond of saying “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all”, which usually causes dead silence, and then the aloof drama kicks in, which I ignore. Eventually (when attention/energy does not flow his way), he’ll start talking about anything but his stress/feelings (work, weather, politics, etc.). I guess this is similar to your “time out mister” as I disengage from the verbal abuse, and talk to him on his topics which eventually lead to the questions of what’s really bothering him. Once we establish what’s at the heart of the stress/anger etc, I then point out that this was/is what’s really bothering him- not whatever he targeted/projected towards me. 
Again, I’m getting him back to good, he feels happy and is ready to be more open/honest with his feelings but I, on the other hand, now feel tired/used/ perhaps even ignored as the entire focus (day, night, week, year) has been on him. Think of it as a one way street with traffic needing to go both ways! He never asks how I’m doing? How my day was and/or if I need anything? Sometimes I feel like a solid rock- steady and reliable but with my foundation crumbling. I pick up my broken pieces and glue them back together, I mend my hurt, and I get myself back to good. You can say that I’m my own team and cheerleader, I don’t expect or think anybody should do this for me but hay it would be nice if he rooted for my team every once in a while?


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## 142 (Mar 23, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> ok, not justifying his actions at all here, based verbatim on what you posted he has anger issues.
> 
> to play devils advocate: do you have similar stresses outside the home that you are able to supress and control at home and around him? is his stress a result of his job and do you also have a job outside the home?
> 
> i only ask because as a working man with a wife that is stay at home, there is no way to state the stresses are the same. i will let you answer the questions (if you want of course)


Yes I think it is anger issues, maturity based and/or developmental issues, i.e., working on ones own self-development. 
I work mostly from my home. I have deadlines, shows, and other stressful events surrounding my career and I do have to work outside of my home from time to time. In a nut shell, yes, I too have external stresses, perhaps even more then he does as I can either make or break my self-employed business. 
The difference between us is that I do not suppress my stresses! I stay in touch with how I’m feeling, do breathing exercises, yoga, swimming, play with my puppy, go for walks, music, gardening, etc. I journal a lot and when I’m ready to talk (after all that) I’ll say something along the lines of that blah, blah, thing really stressed me out today, but I did blah, blah, and feel ok now  
I’m making a pro-active choice to not lash out at the people around me. When I feel tired, hungry, stressed out, confused, angry, and/or other negative, I know that I need to work on me before I can be there for him/others. When I was a kid, my father use to have me go outside and “beat up” this old tree stump in the backyard, he encouraged me to yell at it, while whacking it as hard as I could. This taught me to focus my anger without harming others, when I was all done and spent, I could come back inside and “express my feelings”. As an adult I’ve taught my child to do the same but with pillows even a punching bag when he was a teenager, it works! 
I wish my hubby could find an outlet that is non-detrimental. Everybody needs to unwind, I get that. Everybody handles stress differently; one persons stress could be a soothing balm to another. Some folks have short fuses others are easier going. I tend to laugh a lot, and am rather easy going. 

Anyways, thank you for the comment; I’ll look forward to a reply if you’re so inclined.


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