# throw in the towel? stick it out?



## County (Apr 27, 2012)

My husband has been in individual therapy for over a year to deal with his anger. Meanwhile our daughter keeps growing. She is nearly 9 now and her view of life is that Dad is an angry guy who explodes a lot and that she is so so sick of his promises and hearing "I'm trying." And I'm feeling distant from him and sad, and so discouraged, and really really alone. We've been together 11 years, and I just don't have reserves left. 3 - 4 years ago I started to try to really express to him that I was trying to be compassionate but felt at the end of my rope and just begged him to try a therapist. Two years later when our daughter was to the point of sobbing every day (and she had been that way for over a year) from his lashing out, he finally did make an appointment because I was ready to take her and leave. (He said he didn't do it for two years because he was waiting for me to tell him who to call. So - my fault.) Things have improved a little bit since he started therapy. Not much. Over the last few weeks I've realized I just am enabling him by engaging in trying to explain to him why when he said/did X Y or Z our daughter got hurt/scared/etc, or why he seemed mad to her friends, or to the neighbor, or to me, etc. So when it all started again tonight I got up calmly and said I had decided to not do this anymore, which made him mad. He said the conversation wasn't working and he was going to bed, and stomped out. I spend my personal time trying to decide what would be the best thing for my daughter - to leave so that she just has much much less exposure to that kind of behavior, so that she doesn't think that's how life is, that's how to expect she should be treated, and also just to reduce her general anxiety and stress level, and mine. But then there's the very hard flip side of her not seeing her dad much, and she loves him. And he really loves her. And I love him. So I am wondering - have you been in his shoes, or in mine? What did you do? What is the right thing to do for my child? Another big downside of divorce would be shared custody - our daughter would be with him without me as a buffer or means of escape from his anger. Just a little kid with a big angry adult. Who would look out for her then? I can't abandon her to that situation. So also I guess along those lines, what are good strategies for managing things if we all stay in the same house? For example when he is lashing out, she & I often just leave the scene - we go out for a walk, or play in the backyard, or drive somewhere else, etc. Then there is my sadness and stress, her anxiety and stress. And he's not happy either of course. Thanks for any suggestions. Sorry this is so long.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

County, I have been in your shoes, with two children. I could not keep protecting my children from their father and decided to divorce. I was concerned about shared custody and his total inability to care for another living creature, but he moved out of state to live with other family (and see his GF). Turns out he had no interest in shared custody. 
Is he only being treated for anger? Is there depression/bipolar/borderline personality? You mentioned counseling, is he on meds? If not, it sounds as though he would benefit. Are you getting help for the anxiety. Living on egg shells because of your spouse's emotional problems takes its toll on you and your daughter. You cannot control his illness (because I'm just going to assume there is mental illness present) but you have every right to insist that he control his actions. Would he be willing to go to MC? A good counselor might be able to help the two of you work out strategies for behavior when he feels like he is going to explode. Frankly, I tried MC, but my STBX stopped going because he didn't like someone telling him how to talk to others. In his mind, if we were hurt that was our problem, not his.
Stay strong, you are not alone.


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## County (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks a lot Pluto2. That means a lot. Yes - he's only being treated for anger. I've been wondering a lot if he needs to be evaluated for the things you mention. He & his counselor spend most of the time going over his childhood. I understand that, but I wish they also covered more strategies to help him manage in the here & now. I haven't gotten help for myself yet... my daughter was in counseling for awhile and I've been thinking she needs to go back, you are probably right that we both need help with anxiety. MC would be a good thing. Our original plan was that he would go to individual counseling for awhile to sort of "prep" for MC. My heart is just going out of things in the meantime though. How are your kids doing now?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My younger one is dealing with insecurity. She's internalized the situation and thinks that there must be something wrong with her, or daddy won't behave this way. Counselors and lots of friends have helped. She doesn't understand why her father left the area, and doesn't know about the GF. So I'm there for her as much as I can. She sleeps with me a couple of nights a week, but hasn't had any breakdowns in a while, so I think we're making progress. My older child is smart and savvy and can't stand the way we've been treated. It may take longer for her to have a meaningful relationship with her dad.
Our schools have counselors that my girls can see-for no charge. Is there something like that where you are?


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## gettingstrongereveryday (May 1, 2012)

County, I am in your shoes exactly and am also not sure what to do and where to turn?? My husband of 10 years has always struggled with anxiety and depression - which is usually under control with medication however he has always been extremely jealous of anyone (particularly men) who I talk to - even co-workers. Last summer he suffered a major health issue diverticulitis attack which resulted in a sepsis infection - he was hospitalized for 20 days. I was by his side every minute and he thanked me constantly but since his recovery he has been in a constant state of anger and depression "pouting" - our son is 10 and is always asking me why is Dad so mad at us, every time I want to break down in tears because I honestly don't know how to answer him. It has been almost a year of this now and I'm almost completely spent, exhausted and ready to give up. Every time I try to talk to him about it he just says that he has his own issues going on and he can't deal with mine?? So I have been dealing with it for a year and recently he finally agreed to go on a family/friend day trip to the river - it was fine but I noticed that he was his old self with our friends, joking and actually cracking a smile...but he never spoke to me or our son the entire day? I was so upset, but of course didn't know what to say or how to approach it, so last night I sat down with him and explained everything how I felt like he is okay with everyone else but angry all of time at home – he just blew it off and said we were talking in circles and the conversation was pretty much over...so now I'm stuck - do I try to talk to him again or is it time to end this? I also worry about sharing custody, when he gets really angry he calls me terrible things to family members, the thought of him doing that in front of our son terrifies me but on the other hand what kind of example am I setting for my son showing him that it's basically okay for me to be treated this way, I love my husband he was my best friend and I feel like it's all gone now.


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