# Considering a Divorce, need a perspective! Please Help



## angelfire_28 (Dec 8, 2008)

I am at a crossroad. It's been 3 years since our marriage and our fights are getting bigger and uglier by the day. I can pin down most of our fights to 2 reasons 

(1)Inlaws - My inlaws do not like me. I am yet to find a concrete reason, but MIL does not like me coz I prefer to live my life and let others live theirs. DH was the golden child of the family till I stepped in ( he has 2 other siblings) .MIL and FIL don't get along and FIL has cut her off financially. Her expectation - DH should make money available as and when the need arises. He never took charge of his finances before marriage and although he has a good job, did not have much to show for it, coz most of the money went towards momma's needs.. buying a new home for the parents, where he had to pitch in a portion of his savings, repairs for the home and so on. She also wanted to have a new Bank Account in joint names - MIL,DH and me, one week into the marriage. Though I agreed initially for lack of a concrete excuse,2 years later .. decided to change it to our names -DH and mine. That did not go down too well with her. Neways she keeps telling DH stuff about how he should not let me take charge of the finances, blah blah . DH has nothing to say to this. He can be firm and cut her off, but he will be like ..no ma... it's really not like that ...and so on.

I have recently been diagnosed with diabetes and put on a lot of weight. My MIL knows all is not well with my health, but still makes remarks about my weight gain. I was very pretty when we got married and now I look bloated.. My self esteem is at its lowest, but weight loss will take its time and I have to be patient. It does not bother DH at all that his mom makes remarks about my weight. Everytime I confront him with this issue, I get a reply that he does not want to confront his mother in my presence,but he has been talking to her. I am not asking him to be rude or condescending, but he can be firm and assertive! No, he can't manage to get a single word out of his mouth.

And inspite of her sarcasm and bad behaviour , he tells me that his mother is very concerned about my health and likes me ..! He does not add to the trouble, but he does not stand up for me either.


(2)We don't spend any alone time at all - This is the biggest problem in the marriage. Although, I have brought it up in many ways, loving or otherwise, that we need to spend time together , DH does not seem to get this point. I was working and happy , but quit my job to get closer to him and now with all the weight gain, I don't have the confidence to go out and work. I do not have any social contact at all, beyond my hubby. I have explained to him in many ways that we need to connect for a couple of mins everyday, but he sometimes spends as much as 2-3 hrs every night watching TV, by which time I am fast asleep... DH never finds the need to discuss any issue at all. It's usually a one liner "do you want this" or "We can do this, if you like " Everytime we go to the movies we are discussing the decor or the food, never talking about anything meaningful.. We never hold hands or just talk.. I've tried to get my husband to do this, but he wants to get done with the talking ASAP so he can go back to watching television. I feel alone in this marriage and am considering an out. I am in a very bad place emotionally right now, but I am seriously considering moving out and getting a life.. Please help me 

I have been very committed to this marriage frm day one,yes I haven't been an angel when it comes to controlling my temper and I do get very angry. But without talking for months on end about anything, I feel like am about to explode.. Life on the other hand goes on for DH... Nothing seems to matter to him, except television. Also after our fights, we go silent for weeks . More often than not the silence is killing and I have to give in and make a truce.According to my husband, he won't be the first one to call a truce, if it isn't his fault. Also sex life is practially absent after the fights. DH's logic - he doesn't feel close enough to me after our fights to indulge in lovemaking.. So I generally end up being punished, though my husband does not see it that way !Whatever happened to kiss and make up? I used to be the first one , but now am tired of making up, coz it is not reciprocrated..

On the surface, everything seems normal. People adore DH and think he is a great guy. I doubt , if I'll get any family support if we were to go our seperate ways....

I am 28 and have my whole life ahead of me and no kids yet. What should I do?[/FONT]


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First of your husband is a classic example of a man who avoids confrontation. It is very obvious in his relationship with both you and his mother. I suspect his mother has controlled him all of his life and that leads to additional stress for you. When a man avoids conflict it is difficult to get him to change. It can be a Catch 22. He avoids conflict so he won’t address his problem with conflict. While he doesn’t back you up as far as MIL is concerned it does sound as if he is supportive of you and that is positive. Initially I would work on yourself. Work on keeping your temper under control. If you have anger issues this is likely part of the reason he avoids conflicts. Work on your weight as a high priority. For your health and self esteem. Diabetes is very hard on the body and you need to take care of your physical health. Controlling your weight will pay you back on all fronts. You will be healthier both short term and long. You will gain self confidence and that will allow you to better develop a better social network and a job outside the home if that is what you desire. Loss of weight will likely improve your sex life for both of you. Work on yourself first and see if that improves your relationship with him. Then start to work on his issues and in-laws. 

OBTW, you absolutely made the right call on the joint bank account. There is no reason in the world for an in-law to have access to your money. MIL wants this because she is controlling. Good luck


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Trial separation. yOU CAN'T LIVE HAPPILY IN THAT SITUATION UNLESS HE BREAKS FREE OF HIS MOTHER.

I'm guessing that he loves tyou to bits and it you fair dinkum separate, then he will see the wood for the trees a iti were.


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

Wow this sounds a whole lot like my life. I am also 28 and separated for almost 3 weeks. the BIG difference is that we do have a child together. We would have been together 8 yrs come January and married for 2 and half. I also had issuses with my MIL, she also never liked me for no apparent reason other then my H was her baby and she looked at it as she lost him to me. Needless to say, Monday will be 3 weeks that he moved out. He feels we are more like friends then anything and does not want to be in the relationship because he feels that if we keep going on things will get worse and worse, so we agreed to a separation. So far he still feels the same and unless I contact him or he's over to see our son, he does not bother with me.

The only advice I can give you is if that you are this unhappy with him then do try a separation, at least you have no children to worry about. I wish I could just tell my H, fine we'll divorce and I never have to bother with u again but I cant because of our son, whom we both adore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

angelfire_28-

If you have no kids yet, then go for it. Read what I just put in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/30074-post5.html


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> First of your husband is a classic example of a man who avoids confrontation. It is very obvious in his relationship with both you and his mother. I suspect his mother has controlled him all of his life and that leads to additional stress for you. When a man avoids conflict it is difficult to get him to change. It can be a Catch 22. He avoids conflict so he won’t address his problem with conflict. While he doesn’t back you up as far as MIL is concerned it does sound as if he is supportive of you and that is positive. Initially I would work on yourself. Work on keeping your temper under control. If you have anger issues this is likely part of the reason he avoids conflicts. Work on your weight as a high priority. For your health and self esteem. Diabetes is very hard on the body and you need to take care of your physical health. Controlling your weight will pay you back on all fronts. You will be healthier both short term and long. You will gain self confidence and that will allow you to better develop a better social network and a job outside the home if that is what you desire. Loss of weight will likely improve your sex life for both of you. Work on yourself first and see if that improves your relationship with him. Then start to work on his issues and in-laws.
> 
> OBTW, you absolutely made the right call on the joint bank account. There is no reason in the world for an in-law to have access to your money. MIL wants this because she is controlling. Good luck


:iagree:

I am also the type to avoid confrontation but I can tell you first hand it isn't at all because I don't care (although I can understand how it would come off that way) It is a difficult trait to change but it does sound as though your husband tries his best (I prefer to handle situations the same way...confront the person later, one on one, because confronting at that moment has the potential of getting heated when there are several people there and I haven't thought through what I want to say) He's not turning a blind eye, he just handles things differently than you might.

How is the financial part of your marriage now? Has removing the MIL meant you & your husband are a team when it comes to finances?


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## angelfire_28 (Dec 8, 2008)

Thanks for all the great advice ..Here is a little update on my situation. DH and I have patched up some of the issues since I last posted. Things are much better now. MIL is planning to visit us this summer. So we have decided to work on our relationship in the meantime.We are a team as far as the finances go.. Oh btw, this Christmas we went down to see DH's family. We were given the cold shoulder by MIL from the moment we entered...Right now the focus has shifted off me to DH, becoz he has been having some issues with MIL ...but the question I have is how do you deal with inlaws that give you the cold shoulder. MIL has some reason to be mad about... although not justified I took her baby away from her. But SIL has been acting in a very cold manner too. Every time we visit her, she just plain ignores me.. She wasn't very friendly when they came over to stay at our place either. This Christmas at the family get together too, I tried to get into a conversation and make some contribution on and off, but was met with rejection.. I feel hurt whenever I think about this ... Is there a way around this situation? It is a relief that we don't meet DH's family that often.. maybe once or twice a yr.. But I've never had this kind of animosity with anyone before ..neither at work or in my family or friends circle.. Please advise..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

angelfire_28 said:


> how do you deal with inlaws that give you the cold shoulder.


ive delt with this in my marriage. my H never stood up for me with my crazy MIL. It took us a couple years for him to realize he needs to stand up for me and not make excuses for her. he has a very strained relationship with his mom, too, so that complicates things.

but there is a lot of animosity between myself and the in-laws. i dont like being around people who are two-faced and nasty, so i have no problem telling him i will not be around his family. they are not allowed here, and i dont visit them ever. he goes to see them over the holidays.

i told him that once he can control himself around his family, once i feel he will stand up for me, then i will be around his family. i dont really care if they want to be crazy about things, just as long as my H doesnt chime in.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well, if you cannot think of any sound reason for your MIL & SIL's behavior, it is really their issue, not yours. From what you've said, MIL counted on your husband financially over the years and if that has stopped, MIL & possibly SIL have had to figure out finances on their own...they may be stressed/annoyed about that and putting blame on you--not your fault at all though! Or whatever your MIL is at odds with your husband about may again be filtering to you or even blamed on you somehow--again, not your fault! Interesting that after the cold-shoulder routine, MIL is planning a visit!

Just be yourself and try to let it roll off...remind yourself that they must be having some issues to behave this way...it's not you!


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## angelfire_28 (Dec 8, 2008)

ljtseng,

One of the lines in your post caught my advice. I don't care if my inlaws want to act crazy, just so long as my DH doesn't chime in. What would you consider as chiming in. Well my DH does not make life miserable for me.He has been supportive of my needs when it concerns us . But he loses all reason when it comes to the inlaws. Apparently inspite of giving him concrete evidence of how SIL and MIL ignore me, he will say I don't adjust to his family dynamics. 

Well over the holiday season, SIL was visiting frm overseas and was here for over a month. She did not make time to visit us. We live at a 4 hr drive frm her parents house. Of course DH and I were at his parents place for Christmas lunch but got the cold shoulder. There I tried to be a part of the conversation frm time to time but was not included. Inspite of this, DH wants to run to his parents house over the weekends and when I put my put down, it is considered as not adjusting.SIL does not visit, but he wants to go and see them. Oh did I mention , SIL finds time to go visiting other ppl whenever she is here, but they dont drop in at our place. It does not bother me so long as DH doesnt want to keep running there and then when I back out ,am accused of not adjusting. His is the proverbial family frm hell... So how do I come out looking like I am adjusting or not get accused all the time when they are the monsters?


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