# is it me? im a unaware?



## Mommy_eubanks (Oct 15, 2011)

my husband and i fight quite often.... we both have anger problems... i have recently gotten on medication for anxiety and depression and it helping me a lot! he is much worse then i am... i can control mine when we are in public or around family and friends.... he cant... when he gets angry, he is angry with everyone. he has never hit me... but he has hurt me. he has thrown me off the couch... pushed me on the stairs... pushed my chair (with me in it) into the kithen table...... he says when he is angry i can calm him down by loving on him... kissing him tryin to hold his hand holding him blah blah blah.... but when i am angry i dont wanna be touched.... i dont wanna talk untill i have had a chance to calm down... i just wanna be left alone.... so when i try to just walk away and calm down he grabs me around the shoulders and holds me so i cant go anywhere.... he doesnt realize how strong he is... i dont think he means to hurt me.... he always apologizes for hurting me...... when we fight its always my fault.... sometimes i say things that maybe i shouldnt or smart off.... but i mean he comes home and starts yelling at me and blaming me for things that dont even make sense... and then says im the one that had an attitude with him.... he is always so angry and its always my fault... and i dont understand what i am doing wrong? i asked him.. while we werent fighting i asked him what i was doing wrong.. what i could fix.... he said nothing... he said im not doing anything wrong... he says its him losing his temper and he doesnt know what hes talking about when he is angry.... which is understandable and makes sense with the things he says when he is angry cuz most of it doesnt make sense.... but still.... i mean we have talked about this several times and its always the same..... but nothing ever changes... one time i asked him why he was sorry.... after one of our worst fights he had hurt me he said he was sorry and i asked him why... becuase he ALWAYS says he is sorry.. and we usually have make up sex.... and i wanted to see if he knew why he was sorry or he was just sayin sorry so we would stop fighting and have sex.... and he explained in depth why he was sorry.... that made me feel much better..... i just dont understand how to help him.... or what to change about me... cuz even though we have talked about it it still keeps happening..... everything is still my fault... and idk why.... i am usually pretty good at looking back and seeing what i have done wrong and i will always say im sorry and admit when i am wrong.... but i truly cant see it..... 

he always says i am putting him down..... i know for a fact i dont because growing up my mother taught me that putting someone down can do serious damage... i was never put down by family even when i was in trouble... and i grew up finding the best in people no matter what... my grandmother taught mentally ill children and they were some of my best friends... so i know i dont put him down also because i know he is extremely sensitive.... and i have seen several people kill themselves becuase of someone putting them down.... so i know i dont... but he says i do.... and he is constantly makeing fun of me... like not oh ha ha ha funny..... but calling me retarded or stupid when i made a comment about something that i dont know or a comment that might not make sense or something thing he may not know... he is constantly telling me i dont know anything and to keep my mouth shut.... i dont think i know everything.... but i try to learn... ill be the first to admit when i am wrong.... there are things he knows that i dont... i have issues with memory and mixing up words.... but im not retarded.... he says he is joking... but he does it aaaaalllll the time.... everything i say he has something to come back with.... i try not to let it get to me.... but i cant help it sometimes..... so one day he was doin it really bad and he mixed up his words when tryin to explain somethin and i started laughing.... that was it.... and he exploded at me for makin him feel stupid.... that has happened several times.... if i call him out on something.. he freaks out... i have asked friends if they see what i see or if i am doing something wrong that i dont realize and they say they see what i see..... but i dont know what to do..... it really bothers me that he seems to think i am stupid.... and that he thinks i am putting him down.... when i talked to him about it he said he doesnt think im stupid and he knows how smart i am..... but its very rare that he acknowledges anything good i say.... i dont expect him to tell me how smart i am all the time i just wish he wouldnt call me stupid.... and then blame me for making him feel stupid.... i dont understand......


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mommy_eubanks said:


> he has never hit me... but he has hurt me. he has thrown me off the couch... pushed me on the stairs... pushed my chair (with me in it) into the kithen table...... so when i try to just walk away and calm down he grabs me around the shoulders and holds me so i cant go anywhere.... he doesnt realize how strong he is... i dont think he means to hurt me.... he always apologizes for hurting me...... when we fight its always my fault.... he is always so angry and its always my fault...i just dont understand how to help him.... everything is still my fault... i know i dont put him down also because i know he is extremely sensitive.... and he is constantly makeing fun of me... like not oh ha ha ha funny..... but calling me retarded or stupid when i made a comment about something that i dont know or a comment that might not make sense or something thing he may not know... he is constantly telling me i dont know anything and to keep my mouth shut.... if i call him out on something.. he freaks out... i just wish he wouldnt call me stupid.... and then blame me for making him feel stupid.... i dont understand


Here are excerpts from your post. I suggest you read them again carefully. Your husband hasn't "hurt" you, which I assume means he hasn't given you a black eye, or left marks on you, or bruised you.

When we live in this type of abusive situation long enough, we start to minimize what is acceptable. I am not saying you find your husband's treatment acceptable, but you are confused and not sure how much is your fault and how much is his.

You are being physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. Restraining another person and shoving them is enough cause to get a restraining order. I lived a similar version of your life for a number of years. I was a battered spouse. I, too, was shoved, pushed, grabbed, thrown out of a chair, and eventually punched in the face.

I realized I had lived with this type of behavior for so long, that it didn't seem as bad as it was. I probably "deserved" some of it for talking back to my ex. But nobody deserves to be manhandled.

The verbal abuse you are enduring is disgusting. You are not stupid or retarded (a word I find particularly distasteful). You've been brow-beaten with the you're-to-blame club so many times, you are believing it.

First and foremost, get IC for yourself. It sounds like you have tried to stop his abuse by attempting to walk away when blow-ups occur; however, he physically restrains you. That would be a deal-breaker for me, and scare the sh!t outta me. JMO, but I would get a restraining order and kick him to the curb over that. But I'm not you. IC would help you to discover why you are allowing this man to completely disrespect any sort of boundaries you attempt to put in place; it will also help you to find out why you are continuing to put up with this sort of treatment.

Everyone gets ticked off and has arguments, but what you have on your hands is full-blown, big-time abuse. He needs professional help, but until he's willing to get it, you need to get help for yourself.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I agree with Prodigal.

Abuse can take many forms - and sometimes the abuse that happens to you on the 'inside' can be the most damaging and insidious.

It's like the analogy with boiling frogs. If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out. But, if you put a frog into cool water and slowly heat the water to boiling, the frog will stay put and simply boil to death. Don't be the frog who will sit in the water slowly boiling to death.

Here's a book that you may be interested in: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318698106&sr=8-1

Best wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He means to hurt you or he wouldn't do it.

He apologizes because he doesn't want you to leave. Once you leave, he has no one to abuse.

Sorry you are living through this, but please know it's abusive and NOT ok.


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