# My wife's time issues



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Last night we spoke. She needed to run some errands about an hour away from where we live. I work at home so I offered her to keep the baby with me, but explained to her that I wouldn't be able to do it for too long (we spoke about 3 hours shopping plus 2 hours traveling).

Then, of course, instead of leaving at 9:30 she is leaving at 11. I am furious and don't hide it (I should have acted differently but those type of things drive the heck out of me! I am always planning ahead). First she just got stuck in a conversation while dropping off the other kid at school. Then she had to do some stuff on the phone. 

When I know that I have to go somewhere, and that I have to be back at a certain time, I plan ahead. I know the night before what time I'd like to leave, make all of the preps etc. 

But she just believe that somehow it's going to be okay, ends up leaving late every time.

It just seems to me that she is not so connected to realty. Like not really realizing how long things are actually taking.

Then I get really really mad, then she starts yelling back and well we are both in a very bad mood. 

I shouldn't offer those offers anymore! I am trying to do her a favor and I end up just worse off than I was before!!!

Oh, and of course she wants me to call whoever can give a ride back from school since she won't be back at time. Again, part of the problem is her lack of planning ahead. We could have discussed it last night, and decided to arrange a ride (or to make sure she would be back on time for pick up).

Have a wonderful day everyone!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Believe me, you are sweating the small things.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> It just seems to me that she is not so connected to realty. *Like not really realizing how long things are actually taking.*


Yes, that's exactly what is going on. She always thinks things won't take as long as they do, she always underestimates the time. 

While she might get better at this, it's more likely that you need to accept that's who she is and how she is and YOU plan accordingly. One of my friends is married to a chronically time-challenged woman, and he gets that she will always be late, will always underestimate how long things take. So he plans for it. He tells her she needs to be somewhere 30 minutes before she has to be there, or he just accepts she'll be late and plans to get there late himself or gets there early and has a book or his computer or whatever to tide him over.

In a situation like the one with the shopping, he would have known there was no way she'd be out the door when she thought she would, and he'd have known it would take her longer to shop than she said. So he would not have agreed to care for the baby unless he could do so _after _taking into account what was more likely to happen than her being totally punctual. He would have suggested other child care arrangements or set it up for another day when he did have the time.

My friend and his wife are very happy with 3 kids - never would have made it if he hadn't accepted that her behavior is not malicious, just how her brain is wired, and accommodating for it. She just can't manage time, like others can't quite grasp math and balancing checkbooks, or cooking, or technology.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

You are right! This is what I need to do. I have to STOP expect her to be at the time she promises and should have not offered to help!

When it comes to events like parties, I am used to it and I don't care so much anymore (I used to go crazy because of it). But when it affects me in a major way (like not being able to work) I go crazy still.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I hear you.. my wife is one of those 'always late' types and it makes me crazy a little. I dont mean always late in a hyperbolic, fuzzy little way. I mean... ALWAYS, always, always - bank-on-it late and seemingly frazzled when it comes to getting places. 

I on the other hand, am the opposite. Always on time - it makes me crazy if I am late... so you can see it generates a little friction.

First - I would say - lighten up. If you need a hard schedule - define it like you did, its all you can do.

Its hard enough with the baby.. both of you trying to do other things and work and schedule and you know... take a shower once in a while and sleep and eat ... so when she does her thing and leaves you hanging for a couple extra hours, it can feel like she simply doesnt care. I assure you, she does care - but she is a walking trainwreck. I know, right?

What I suggest it to let it slide, but make time for you as well. Balance it a bit... have her watch the baby and go outside and work i the garden for an hour, or work on your '65 vette, or get some work done..whatever. The point is - its had so you both need to simply do your best. It gets easier, but dont let 'the little things' consume your brain. And (trust me here) try and offer her time too..without her asking for it. "hey honey - I'll watch the baby for an hour or 2 if you need to get out of the house for a while....go...". Some of that can help her catch op on the things she does need to do so its not a 'gigantic trip' and a disaster once a month.

Yeah - I say it is a little thing in the grand scheme. Remind her how important it is to you when it seems like she is simply not even paying you the courtesy of meeting an agreement... but I bet what is really happening is that she trusts you, feels comfortable with, and allows herself a little extra wiggle room, because its you. She should at least call if she is late.

Planning ahead? Laugh... dont hold your breath. My wife has been that way for 25 years... I have learned to accept it to some degree. She will wait to get ready when we are going somewhere until "I" start getting ready. Problem is, I am done in 30 minutes and she ...well.... isnt. She also gets sidetracked needing to to 20 other little things aound the house before she can relax and go... (close the shades, shut off lights, give the cat a treat, put a dish in the dishwasher, I dont know... change a freaking lightbulb (now?) etc, etc...)

The female species is just wired different.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. What is the big deal? You are a dad, not a babysitter. She could leave the kid with you all day if she needed to...you wouldn't be doing her any favors. that's parenthood.

talk about sweatin' the petty stuff  Throwing a fit over this? And why does she need to drive an hour to run errands? three hour errands? dang.

I understand being frustrated, but if she is this way, fighting about it won't help. Just know that when she says 9, she means 11...or whatever. 

I'm a punctual person and so I 'get it'. But don't act like you're doing her a favor by watching your own child.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Hey anotherguy, loved the way you describe it. Yes, it is a little annoyance and should be treated as such! The problem is that I feel whenever I tell her "I will watch the baby for an hour" it's becoming 4 hours, which I resent greatly, and she doesn't understand what makes me so upset. 

I guess I should tell her "honey, go out for 10 minutes I will watch the baby"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> The female species is just wired different.


I was with you UNTIL this last sentence. The female species is NOT just wired differently. YOUR WIVES are wired differently.

I am always on time, I take about 40 minutes to get ready (that's with a shower and straightening my hair), and I HATE lateness. if a friend says, 10 and i don't hear from them by 10:20, I will leave. Time is valuable.

My friend is always late. "Fashionably late". He drove me crazy and I know now that when he says "I'll be there at 7", it's actually 8. Maybe 8:30. I called him on it a few times, but it's just how he is. He feels bad, but it's kinda scatterbrained. I don't make plans with him anymore because I no longer have lounge time to wait for him to show up.

It's not just females. But nice try.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Hey anotherguy, loved the way you describe it. Yes, it is a little annoyance and should be treated as such! The problem is that I feel whenever I tell her "I will watch the baby for an hour" it's becoming 4 hours, which I resent greatly, and she doesn't understand what makes me so upset.
> 
> I guess I should tell her "honey, go out for 10 minutes I will watch the baby"


So you feel taken advantage of. Maybe she needs a break? Does she get breaks?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Hey anotherguy, loved the way you describe it. Yes, it is a little annoyance and should be treated as such! The problem is that I feel whenever I tell her "I will watch the baby for an hour" it's becoming 4 hours, which I resent greatly, and she doesn't understand what makes me so upset.
> 
> I guess I should tell her "honey, go out for 10 minutes I will watch the baby"


Know that when you say an hour it will be 4 and don't make the offer if you can't do it for 4 hours because of work. Then you won't resent the effect her issue has on your schedule.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hrm...you are working from home...so this makes sense.

I still don't know why she needs SO MUCH TIME.  Do you guys live in the boonies which makes it necessary to drive an hour to do something?

I hope the baby sleeps.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I was with you UNTIL this last sentence. The female species is NOT just wired differently. YOUR WIVES are wired differently.
> 
> I am always on time, I take about 40 minutes to get ready (that's with a shower and straightening my hair), and I HATE lateness. if a friend says, 10 and i don't hear from them by 10:20, I will leave. Time is valuable.
> 
> ...


Huh. You caugh me. Sorta. 

Here is my defense... I maintain the female species is indeed "wired differently''. I did not say they are always late.

What I meant was frequently, what is important to one partner is not the same for the other in all respects. Im not backpeddaling... just trying to be clear..people are different.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Huh. You caugh me. Sorta.
> 
> Here is my defense... I maintain the female species is indeed "wired differently''. I did not say they are always late.
> 
> What I meant was frequently, what is important to one partner is not the same for the other in all respects. Im not backpeddaling... just trying to be clear..people are different.


uh huh. 

I know what you said. And what you thought you meant. *snark*

Punctuality is something children are taught from their parents. Or not taught. Male or female it doesn't matter.

 Your wives are late people. They'd show up late to their own funerals. people like that DRIVE ME INSANE, especially when they're effing with my time.

But to the OP, if you know she's like this, why do you offer at all? And if she's not going to be there to get the other child, that is HER issue to make arrangements.

Sounds to me like she just wanted to escape today. Be a woman and not a mom. It happens..


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"Brains Wired Differently in Men vs. Women"
Brains Wired Differently in Men vs. Women | LiveScience

"..the male and female brain are wired differently..."
Understanding Men | Women's Health Magazine


_*"The brains of men and women, while similar in many ways, are more different than most scientists ever realized," *_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But you wrote it in context to women being late...because your wives are late.

but who cares...this is about the OPs issues. I never said women and men aren't wired differently, but tardiness is about RUDENESS and INCONSIDERATION. not because we're women.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

You are raging against an argument that wasnt made. What I wrote, is that women can behave in ways that men do not always immediately understand.

some women... also can't let a losing argument go...


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Some people are just poor time managers. Nothing much you can do there but go around it. If you need to do something by a certain time ... tell her to do it A LOT earlier than the actual time needed...

I am a tardiness freak, and used to bother me when my friends and family were always late... so, to ease my anxiety over it... if we were plannign to be somewhere by 8pm, I tell them we need to be there by 7 - 

Or I just don't expect they will ever be on time and get ready late myself... making THEM wait like i did! DROVE THEM CRAZY!!!! Haha!


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Well, I guess it's not only about being late. It's the concept of time that drives me insane.

Yes, she was supposed to be back 3 hours ago! And still didn't show up!

Okay guys thank you for listening. I know you don't have to but its always easier to read other's issues and have some very profane advice then deal with your own (that's why I am here?)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Just do exactly the same to her.


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## kwillis1 (Mar 28, 2012)

I find myself sometimes having time issues also. The best thing that has helped me with all of that has been going to school full-time. When you have mid-terms & finals at a specific time and day, there is no.. "Sorry I'm a half hour late.. I was in the shower/feeding my cat/eating breakfast/didn't sleep good/not feeling well/etc". lol. 

If it's not school related. I procrastinate. Especially if we're going somewhere that I feel I need to look decent. I have a bad habit of being late to family functions because of this. I think it will only take me x amt of time, but before I know it, we're running an hour behind. It's not just frustrating for men, it is for us women too because by this point not only are we late, but husband is complaining and I'm grumpy. lol


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kwillis1 said:


> I find myself sometimes having time issues also. The best thing that has helped me with all of that has been going to school full-time. When you have mid-terms & finals at a specific time and day, there is no.. "Sorry I'm a half hour late.. I was in the shower/feeding my cat/eating breakfast/didn't sleep good/not feeling well/etc". lol.
> 
> If it's not school related. I procrastinate. Especially if we're going somewhere that I feel I need to look decent. I have a bad habit of being late to family functions because of this. *I think it will only take me x amt of time, but before I know it, we're running an hour behind.* It's not just frustrating for men, it is for us women too because by this point not only are we late, but husband is complaining and I'm grumpy. lol


I'm really curious...you obviously have gotten ready for these functions before, multiples times, so you do know how long it actually takes you to get ready, right? So why wouldn't you know to get started earlier so that you have enough time?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the idea of courteousness and mutual respect requires that 1 hour doesn't turn into 4 with any regularity.

There had better be a a better comment than "I lost track of time" for that kind of disconnect on time.

How about at the very least a phone call stating why you are going to be late?

Yes, the child is his as much as hers so there is no credit for babysitting. However, having reared two children, you can't convince me that either parent's need for a break means saying whatever you have to get out the door, then when you get out, just stay away until you're good and ready to be the baby watcher again. 

Parenting is a tag team "sport" sometime, especially when the kids are young and require so much draining attention.

I do not see it as "small stuff" to not account for one's time in a reasonable way. 

And giving your word should mean something. 

Most people who are late to everything are always on time for something they really want to do.

It's a choice.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Adapt, or attach consequences. But ... don't keep freaking out and being angry at something you generally acknowledge _is always going to happen._

Stop making offers to watch the baby when you know it's likely she is going to use the opportunity to chew into your productive time.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> It just seems to me that she is not so connected to realty. Like not really realizing how long things are actually taking.
> 
> Then I get really really mad, then she starts yelling back and well we are both in a very bad mood.
> 
> I shouldn't offer those offers anymore! I am trying to do her a favor and I end up just worse off than I was before!!!



I have been reading on this forum since yesterday. My husband and I have been having numerous problems, but this one struck home with me, as it is something that has been an issue for us as well.

I am a perpetually distracted person. It doesn't take much for me to get side-tracked, out of whack or just in general, off my intended timetable. I have always been this way. My tendencies are probably even more extreme than your wife's. 

I would get involved with an administrative meeting for one of the non-profits I volunteer for. The meeting starts at 6:00pm...it's full of creative, like-minded people, who also seem to have a problem being efficient with time. My husband understood this, and knew that the meetings would often run until 9:30 or even 10:00pm at night. Then, after the meeting, people would stand around and chit chat and share even more ideas. Next thing you know, it's 11:30pm, and the meetings are 45 minutes away from home. It would be 12:30am or later when I would get home. I didn't INTEND to be that late, it was never in the plan at all...but I just had the hardest time getting away. I never meant it as a disrespectful action to my husband either. I was being selfish, and didn't even see it. I always felt remorse afterwards, but never seemed to be able to tear myself away in time.

In hindsight, it is easy to say...wow, how could you not see how rude that is?! But from the POV of the time offender, you just don't really notice it. The other factor of it was, it was just way more fun and rewarding to hang out with these like minded folks. He didn't want to do these things, he didn't want to talk about these subjects, his idea of a good time was talking about our finances and watching tv. I didn't realize at the time, I was lingering with my associates because I was using them to fill my time in a fun way, because I wasn't really having that much fun at home. It was a break from home in fact...escaping was something I was starting to look forward to. The more my husband reprimanded me for my inability to get home in a timely manner, the more I dreaded going home once I got out of the house!

Here is where we went wrong and where maybe my advice can be of help. Our discussions about this always came up in the middle of an argument. Not once did we sit down and talk about it when we weren't arguing. If my husband ever actually tried to talk to me about it otherwise, he did a poor job of it, because he was so instantly accusatory, I didn't want to listen to what he had to say.

It wasn't until a much larger problem was apparent that we had to start working on, that my husband finally voiced his feelings about this in a way I could actually understand and sympathize with. Sure, he had yelled at me about it...but I never 'heard' that, never 'understood' that.

If he had set the tone for an actual conversation about it, explaining how it makes him FEEL (key word there). If he had explained to me that it makes him feel less respected, less important in my life than everything else, I probably could have comprehended what my actions were doing to him.

I know it will seem super cheesy, but I wish our initial conversations had been set like this:

H: I would like to talk to you about something, do you feel like this is a good time for us to do that?

W: Yes or Can we talk in a few minutes once dinner is done? 

H: I know that sometimes, when I get frustrated over something, I do not explain my feelings over it very well. I would like to try something a bit differently. I know it's important for us to talk so that we can work on making our marriage a strong one. This is my attempt to do that. I hope that you will listen with an open mind and know that this doesn't come naturally to me. I am not saying this to make you feel guilty or to hurt you, only so that I can share how I feel with you.

W: Okay? (I would probably be pretty worried now, but I am also way more receptive to his feelings now. I realize he is nervous about sharing them, and now I have the overall feeling of wanting to help him fix whatever the problem is. This helps me to be in the right mindset to be open to constructive criticism and ways to solve a problem)

H: I understand that we have different priorities and different ways of handling them. I don't want to tell you how to handle how or what you do. But, it makes me feel like I am at the bottom of your priority list when you do not hold to a schedule we have agreed upon. I know that is not your intention, but it's hard to not feel that way when I am not aware of what your schedule will be like when I am watching our child. For me to be happy throughout the day, I need to feel like I have a schedule that I can adhere to. Without that, I feel stressed and out of control. It can even make me feel like you do not respect me very much when one hour stretches into four hours. I don't think that you mean that to happen, or even mean that you don't respect me...but that is how it makes me feel. It would mean a lot to me if you would help me work out a better way for us to plan for days that I am watching our child.


I know that might seem like cowtowing to many men out there. It is not a matter of 'sucking up to her' and saying 'honey please please please'. It is a matter of wording it in the right setting and the right way to get through to her that she is really making you feel like a doormat when she does this to you. 

If I were talking with my girlfriends about problems, they are almost always prefaced with a statement like, "I have been really worried about this..." or "I am feeling very depressed lately..." or "I am staying up at night worrying about this..." Whereas my husband seems to 'attack' the problem, "You really piss me off when you..." It doesn't give me time to do anything other than set me to instantly wanting to defend myself. If I had time to realize that his feelings are in play, that he needs my help to fix something that is bothering him, that he wants to include me in that conversation, rather than to chastise me about it...I feel much more inclined to listen with an open heart and a dose of humility once I see how much of a heel I have been.

In addition to that, it might be time to look at the time the two of you are spending together. Is it fun like it used to be? Is it engaging, or routine. Part of my issue was simply, it was way more fun to be gone than home. Very wrong on my part, but it was something the two of us were not paying attention to anymore. It almost led to a disastrous result.

I know this is a long post, but I do hope it helps you. Best of luck to you. I understand now how frustrating this can be, and that you are not wrong to be irritated about it.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

My H has the same time issues as your wife. It used to drive me nuts. I could not, for the life of me, understand how an adult could not control his time well enough to be on time for appointments, events, etc. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I could only control myself and became proactive in the process.
- Since it was my responsibility to get the kids ready for any event (sports, family get togethers, concerts), I would have them ready and myself ready to leave at the appropriate time. If H was not ready to leave, we would kiss and hug him goodbye and tell him we would meet him there and leave in my car. I have also done this for events such as movies or restaurant reservations when it is just he and I going out.
- H is easily distracted from his course when we are just getting ready to do something like run to the store or go for a drive. Even though there is no deadline, I do not care to be wasting my time waiting for him while he wanders off to look for something not related to our trip. He was oblivious to the fact I was waiting in the car for 10 minutes after he told me he was ready to go. Now, I just continue doing what ever I need to do and wait until he is in the car before I put my coat on and join him.
- Knowing his short trips will never be short and he has no sense of time, I do not commit to picking up the slack for him should he come back later than planned. So, for example, if he has made arrangements for the handyman to come to do some work for him and then he decides to go out for a "few minutes" prior to the fellow's arrival, I explain that he better leave a written list for the handyman in the event that his few minutes turns into a couple hours. I refuse to be responsible for what the handyman does or does not do because H has no urgency to be back on time.

I have read all kinds of articles on why some people have no sense of urgency about being punctual. It really doesn't matter why. The rest of us just have to work around them. Once you accept that, you can work on ways to circumvent the bad situations that result and save yourself a world of stress and anger.
One of the things in your post struck me. You work from home and were kind enough to volunteer to watch the baby while your wife went on a shopping foray. I am assuming that your job duties were put on hold to accommodate her day. So you were disadvantaged and probably had to make the work time up later? Don't do that. If you worked outside the home, she would have had to make other arrangements or take the baby with her. She also would have been responsible for making sure the other children were transported home from school. I'll bet her day would have been better organized had you not volunteered to pick up the slack.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

to the OP, does your wife work outside the home? i only ask this because mine has similar issues and she is a SAHM/SAHW. i think anyone who does not have to keep a rigorous and timely schedule, whether its a man or a woman, become somewhat complacent with time and lose the feeling of urgency to be somewhere or be on time. and if she is a SAHM, she is likely craving some alone time and rightly so. she should work with you on the timing though and you should give her that time whenever feasable


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Inside Looking Out - I feel ya. I am the same way. I don't intend to spend 4+ hours running errands when it should barely take me 2. But I get so distracted and look at everything when I'm at the store and stand and debate what item to get for at least 5-10min...ugh. I am not meaning to be disrespectful, I just seem to not be very assertive and can't make a decision without completely analyzing everything about the product I was going to buy....

I have to give myself at least a 30min leway when going anywhere to be on time. I have been this way since a small child. I don't think I will ever grow out of this. I am glad my husband can accept me for who I am. We have had arguments about it in the past but have since resolved the issue with lots of communication!!


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

My wife has punctuality branded into her psyche and has always been that way. I, on the other hand, have been bad with time management since I was a kid. I'm much, much better about it because we got into arguments about our differences in time-management and I finally saw how my procrastination was not only affecting her, but aspects of my life, as well. It has taken a lot of work on my part. 

I do agree with others here about watching your children, there's no credit for that. However, your wife needs to see that perennial lateness is causing major problems in the marriage, even if it seems to be a small thing to some. Either she gets the message or you'll have to adjust to accept her lateness and deal with it.


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