# Stepson, child, and divorce.. HELP!



## Danimal069

My stepson has caused an immovable wedge between my wife and I. He's recently been suspended twice from school. Once for hitting a girl and the other for receiving stolen property. I have raised this boy since he was 4. He is now 18. He drinks, comes home when he wants to, and is dangerously close to failing out of high school. When I confront his mother, her reply is "what do you want me to do, He's still my kid." I recently told him if he isnt going to do anything in school or around the house, he needs to get a pt time job or leave. He cried to his mother which led to a huge fight and her saying the following. "If Matthew goes, I go, and so does Jackie." Jackie is my 11 yr old daughter who I do not want influenced by this young man. I am ready for a divorce. 100%. I am worried if my daughter doesnt come with me in a divorce my bully stepson will run ragged over her just like he does his mother.. My worry for my daughter is the ONLY reason I am still around.. Please give any good advice. I am at wits end.


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## EleGirl

Danimal069 said:


> My stepson has caused an immovable wedge between my wife and I. He's recently been suspended twice from school. Once for hitting a girl and the other for receiving stolen property. I have raised this boy since he was 4. He is now 18. He drinks, comes home when he wants to, and is dangerously close to failing out of high school. When I confront his mother, her reply is "what do you want me to do, He's still my kid." I recently told him if he isnt going to do anything in school or around the house, he needs to get a pt time job or leave. He cried to his mother which led to a huge fight and her saying the following. "If Matthew goes, I go, and so does Jackie." Jackie is my 11 yr old daughter who I do not want influenced by this young man. I am ready for a divorce. 100%. I am worried if my daughter doesnt come with me in a divorce my bully stepson will run ragged over her just like he does his mother.. My worry for my daughter is the ONLY reason I am still around.. Please give any good advice. I am at wits end.


This sounds a lot like what we went through with my two step children. They were 10 & 12 when my husband and I married. My son was 10 at the time. The difference is that my husband has supported me in my actions when I kicked the two step children out. They are now 22 and 24. They both have drug addiction problems and refuse any help. After a few years of trying to get them to take rehab seriously they are no longer welcome in my home. My husband backs me up 100%.
My now 22 year old son is still living here at home while working on a degree in physics and engineering. He’s doing very well.

First, you know that you cannot leave because of your daughter. If you do, she will be with her mother at least 50% of the time if not more.

Under no circumstances should you leave the family home. Do not allow your wife to take your daughter if she get some nutty idea and moves out. If she tries, see an attorney and get a court order to have your daughter stay in the family home which you will not leave without a court order.

You have options here:

1) Tell your wife that you want the teen out of the house. If she chooses she can move with him. But your daughter will stay with you in the family home. The consequences of this are pretty harsh. Your wife might leave & get an attorney. You are not guaranteed to end up with even 50% custody.

OR

2) Tell your wife that you are frustrated and want her to work with you on this. The both of you need to go to counseling on how to handle this situation. There are even tough love support groups for parents.

This is the option that will allow you the most over sight of your daughter on a daily basis.

One thing you might consider with your step son is to tell him he can drop out of school IF he passes his GED. Then do whatever is needed to get him down to take the test. If he does pass, he’s now out of high school and will not flunk. I know someone who did this with a son who was in about the same boat as your step son. The kid passed the GED at the start of his senior year. He got a job and after 2 years started college. He’s a junior now with a 4.0 in engineering. The mother took a calculated risk that paid off in the long run.

Is there a relative who this kid can go live with for a while? This often helps a kid who is in the acting out

Once he has his GED is no longer in high school and can be treated more like an adult. Tell him that if he gets a full time job you will help him move into his own place. Help him get a place of his own or to move in with some friends. This will get him out of the house. He will most likely jump at a chance to do this. Once he’s out of your house, it will be easier to not let him move back in when he cannot pay his rent.

There is another thing to consider… is there any chance that his kid has problems like bi-polar or other mental issues that are leading to his behavioral problems. I’ve seen this before where parents just think the kid is ‘bad’ or is just making ‘bad choices’. Think seriously about this.


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## Danimal069

Thank you for the reply EleGirl. My problem is he doesnt want to leave. He loves it here. He has no rules and manipulates his mother into anything he wants. He wants me gone. There is a HUGE struggle for head of household in this house. My wife under any circumstance will not back me in having him leave this house... Hers and my relationship is done.. The sound of their two voices puts knotts in my stomach. I was just wondering if there was a way I could get custody based on my stepsons actions because he WILL go where his gravy train mother goes.. 100% no doubt about it..If my wife gets custody that means my stepson will be running rankshot over my daughter on a daily basis and I will not be around to stop it..


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## tacoma

I just recently fixed this exact same problem (I hope).

First do nothing until after the holidays (Too much emotional baggage around this time)

After the holidays you need to speak with your wife, calmly, rationally, and with a ****load of compassion.

Explain to her how you feel about the situation and see where you can come to a compromise.
It took me 4 years to get my stepson out of my house so if you want to keep your marriage understand this isn`t something that's going to happen quickly.

Here`s what I did, help him get a job.
You and your wife have to start pushing him to find a job.
This in itself is going to make you lose your mind.
He`s going to bull****, lie, manipulate and pretty much do anything and everything he can to keep you off his back and make you think he`s looking when he`s not.

After a month or two of this game sit your wife down again, show her how he`s bull****ting the whole job situation and float the idea of charging him rent.
The stipulation being if he doesn`t pay the rent he has to leave.
I began charging my stepson $300.00 a month and he finally got a part time job.
I took the$300.00 a month he was giving me for a year or so and stashed it for him so he`d have some cash to eventually move out with.
DO NOT TELL HIM YOU"RE STASHING THE MONEY FOR HIM!!
Let him think you're keeping it.
He still probably won`t get a job right away he`ll again try to bull**** the situation by begging borrowing and selling his stuff to make the rent.
Don`t say a word about how stupidly he`s dealing with this situation, he`ll get it eventually.

After a year or so of this situation mine still wasn`t moving forward.
He was doing the minimum he could to pay that $300.00 and continue to trash my house on a daily basis.

This finally came to a head and I told him he had 3 months to move out.
Again, sit with your wife before making this move it will take her time to get on board with each change.
Calm, compassionate, empathize!!

So after my stepson moved in with his dad he began crashing at my house practically every night of the week and continued to trash my house.

That`s when calm, rational, compassion went out the window for me.

I kicked him out in a pretty large scene which my wife was most definitely unhappy about.

I told her she could go with him if she didn`t like it.
He left, she stayed and my life is a virtual heaven at the moment.

Now he`s at his fathers house and has started the whole game over with him.
I find it humorous.

The most needed thing to do this the way I`ve laid it out is having your wife on board.
I thought I did but she was lying and manipulating trying to buy him time so I finally just kicked him out and let her know she could go as well.
This worked for me, if your wife won`t even try then it won`t work for you.

If that`s the case I`d simply get the divorce process started because your life is going to suck forever if you stay in a situation where your wife disrespects you to enable her worthless son.

Bottom line is you have to be willing to lose your wife or you have no leverage to make this work.
You can mitigate this perhaps depending on your situation but it`s what it comes down to.

Good luck.


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## tacoma

Just a question.

What might transpire if the OP just moved out and took his daughter with him?

Women do it all the damn time, why can`t he?


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## EleGirl

You need to see an attorney see what your rights are in this case. Generally the courts do not give either parent 100% custody. They try to give as close to 50/50 custody as possible unless there are extenuating circumstances. So you will have to prove the extenuating circumstances. This is not easy. It will definitely depend a lot on the judge you get. An experienced attorney will know the judges and will know what each of them will consider in this type of case. 

Does your wife work? Or are you supporting this charming young man? You can cut off any of the support you provide to him… making his life less acceptable at home.

Tell him not to come home drunk or high on drugs.

I still recommend getting him to take the GED test. While he’s in high school is mother still has a responsibility to make sure he gets to school every day and he might be viewed a dependent by the courts. Once he has graduated or taken the GED he’s considered an independent adult.

You could use the route of calling the police on him if he is doing anything illegal in your home. That would get him removed from the home. Plus it would establish a record of him being a danger and/or bad influence on your child? Do you know any police officers? Talk to the police about what you can do to have this kid picked up. 

If your step son is drinking, he is most likely doing drugs. Where does he drink? In the house? With friends? Does he drive drunk? Have you searched his room? Look for drug paraphernalia. Pipes, razor blades used to crush pills. Tin foil.. it’s used to smoke all kinds of drugs… so look for pieces of tin foil with a black residue on it. Look for needles. Look for empty (or not empty) beer and alcohol bottles.

Be sure to look through his trash. When I searched my step-son and his wife’s room I found a lot of crumpled up tissue and toilet paper in their trash. When I opened up the tissues, each one of them had a piece of tin foil with black residue on it. It turned out that they were using it to heat up heroin and were breathing in the smoke. I collected about 30 of these thing. They moved out that day… they knew I was calling the police.

If this wonder child starts being belligerent, abusive, etc in any way at all, call the police, But don’t you but a finger on him. You can do little things to escalate his bad behavior as long as YOU do not yell, scream, or touch him. When he gets out of hand, take your daughter to a quiet room with you to get her away from her brother. Then call the police and have him removed for domestic violence. Do this every time he gets out of hand. Do not allow him to misbehave in your home.

If you know he is driving drunk, call the police as soon as he gets behind the wheel. Let the police know where he is and his license plate number. 

Become someone he will want to avoid at all costs. This alone will most likely make him want to move out of the house. If his mom wants to go with him so be it. 

You have not been enough of a bad a$$ with this kid. Start being that way. 

By the way, does your wife just enable her son? Or does she either give him alcohol? Does she do illegal drugs?

Spend a lot of time with your daughter away from your wife and step son. Do things like take her to the library to hand out, read do homework. Take her to parks. Talk with her about what is going on with her half-brother and how she should handle it… like call 911 or child protective services. She would talk to you about problems she has with him. Take her to counseling.

And get an attorney to start planning how to get custody of your daughter. How to build the evidence you need against your step son and his mother.

Hope some of the above helps.


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## EleGirl

tacoma said:


> Just a question.
> 
> What might transpire if the OP just moved out and took his daughter with him?
> 
> Women do it all the damn time, why can`t he?


I'm a woman. I left a physcially abusive husband with my 3.5 year old son. My husband got his attorney to call an emergency court hearing. The judge ordered me to return our son to the family home .. which my husband of course we still living in. So I moved back in with my husband. There was no way I was going to leave my son at 3.5 years of age alone with his father who is an abusive person.

The only reason that women get away with leaving with their children is that the child's father and her husband does not put up a good a strong legal battle. 

It took me 4 more years to leave again. That time I did it in a much smarter matter. By then he was throwing me out and he let me take the kid. We ended up with 60/40 physical custody (me 60) and 50/50 legal custody. 


This is why I suggested to the OP that he get an attorney and carefully plan a strategy.


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## tacoma

Good info to have elegirl.

At least the OP knows now if he kicks the kid out and his wife leaves she will have to return with the daughter.

I second your advise about consulting an attorney so he can be certain of this and see what his options are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept

A few questions. If he moved out would you still want a divorce. How does your daughter get on with him.
This couldnt have started over night. What made him like he is and is there any chance of him improving. 
You talk about a 'struggle'. Between whom, yourself and your wife or her son.


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## Danimal069

accept said:


> A few questions. If he moved out would you still want a divorce. How does your daughter get on with him.
> This couldnt have started over night. What made him like he is and is there any chance of him improving.
> You talk about a 'struggle'. Between whom, yourself and your wife or her son.


Im not sure. I dont know if our marriage is savable. We've gotten into some HUGE battles over him. My daughter loves him. He bullys and yells at her but she loves him none the less. He sets a horrible example for her. I could list but it would go on and on.About 4 yrs ago he started hanging with his brother on his dads side I noticed a huge change. We didnt have control of him when he was by his fathers and he started doing whatever he wanted. His dad was no help. He had a falling out with his dad and they dont see each other and we were left to clean up this mess. The struggle is between me and my wife and stepson. I punish and yell and he backdoors me and she lets him do whatever.. Thank you to everyone for all of your replies. They have really made alot of sense.


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## tacoma

Danimal069 said:


> The struggle is between me and my wife and stepson. I punish and yell and he backdoors me and she lets him do whatever.. Thank you to everyone for all of your replies. They have really made alot of sense.


You should disengage for awhile to clear your mind and maybe let your wife see the crazy without you being a part of it.

Read this...There is a link to the essay on this page...

Disengaging - Stepfamily Help Page

This concept wasn`t easy at all but it did eventually give me some piece of mind concerning my own step-son.

When you find you are reaping the consequences of what someone else has sown...you are enabling.


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## Danimal069

tacoma said:


> You should disengage for awhile to clear your mind and maybe let your wife see the crazy without you being a part of it.
> 
> Read this...There is a link to the essay on this page...
> 
> Disengaging - Stepfamily Help Page
> 
> This concept wasn`t easy at all but it did eventually give me some piece of mind concerning my own step-son.
> 
> When you find you are reaping the consequences of what someone else has sown...you are enabling.


Very good article Tacoma.. Unfortunately, I dont believe I can disengage. With the disengagement, things would get worse before they got better. I cant take the chance of my daughter seeing it get worse..Im going to follow EelGirls advice and if hes not going to follow household rules, I will make it very difficult for him to enjoy himself under my roof.


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## tacoma

Danimal069 said:


> Very good article Tacoma.. Unfortunately, I dont believe I can disengage. With the disengagement, things would get worse before they got better.


Yes, it most definately would get worse before it gets better.



> ..Im going to follow EelGirls advice and if hes not going to follow household rules, I will make it very difficult for him to enjoy himself under my roof.


I`m actually in agreement with Elegirls advice, it just didn`t work for me as my stepson would have lived in a box under the kitchen sink if it meant he didn`t have to leave.
He didn`t care how crappy his life was.

I`m also going to tell you taking her advice will also make it worse before it gets better but in a different way.

Disengaging cuts the tension in the household (except for your own personal stress it ramps up for awhile).
Making his life difficult will kick everyones stress levels into the red zone.

Understand I think the path you`ve chosen is a good one but it`s not going to be pretty either.

I do wish you luck danimal as I can seriously empathize with your lose/lose situation.

I`d like it if you kept your thread updated if you could as the subject isn`t covered too well here and all posted experiences can help others out.

Let us know how it`s going and good luck!


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## tacoma

Hmm..Just had an idea.

Elegirls advice could also eventually give you some leverage with your wife.

She undoubtedly sees her son as "just fine" and doesn`t like to acknowledge he`s not.

If he is into drugs or drinking and driving or he`s abusive enough police intervention a few times might be what it takes to make her see he`s not going to have a nice life and could help get her on board with you.

Just a thought.


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## Danimal069

tacoma said:


> Yes, it most definately would get worse before it gets better.
> 
> 
> 
> I`m actually in agreement with Elegirls advice, it just didn`t work for me as my stepson would have lived in a box under the kitchen sink if it meant he didn`t have to leave.
> He didn`t care how crappy his life was.
> 
> I`m also going to tell you taking her advice will also make it worse before it gets better but in a different way.
> 
> Disengaging cuts the tension in the household (except for your own personal stress it ramps up for awhile).
> Making his life difficult will kick everyones stress levels into the red zone.
> 
> Understand I think the path you`ve chosen is a good one but it`s not going to be pretty either.
> 
> I do wish you luck danimal as I can seriously empathize with your lose/lose situation.
> 
> I`d like it if you kept your thread updated if you could as the subject isn`t covered too well here and all posted experiences can help others out.
> 
> Let us know how it`s going and good luck!


I will keep updated. Thank you all for your answers. It helps a great deal to get others perspectives..


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## EleGirl

tacoma said:


> …
> I`m actually in agreement with Elegirls advice, it just didn`t work for me as my stepson would have lived in a box under the kitchen sink if it meant he didn`t have to leave.


I agree with the things you are saying as well. There is usually more than one way to skin a cat.

I just wanted to comment on these bit about living under the kitchen sink…. 

I kicked my step son out more than once. The first time he found a novel solution.. the dog door. We have large dogs.. around 100lbs each. So we have a large dog door. Well my step son was coming in the dog door at night after I went to bed. Then in the morning he’d get up before I did, show, grab food and leave. His sister and my son knew about this. But you know how siblings are, they will fight tooth and nail but then get each other’s back.

When I found that out I kicked him out again. He lived in his vehicle for a while on the mesa and between people’s houses. He was in the National Guard. After he got tired of living in his car he volunteered for Iraq.

When he came back from Iraq, I let him back into my house thinking he finally had his head on straight. I was hoping that the Army and being in Iraq had done him some good. He was ok for a while. Then he met a little hottie who lived around the corner from us. They got married. Turns out that both of them have this thing for heroin. They were living with us when I found this out. I kicked them both out in June of this year.

They are no longer welcome in my home. My husband supports me in this. But, and it’s a big BUT….

It has always bothered me that I am the one who lays down the law, kicks them out and has to handle all of this. My husband says he supports me in doing this and then just plays his computer games and is oblivious. In June I let my husband have it. Told him that he brought this hell into my life and my son’s life with his dysfunctional kids. And I expected him to clean up the mess. This time I made him be the one to pack up there stuff, put it on the porch and handle them. I told him that I was so done and he could leave with them if he did not show some back bone.


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## tacoma

EleGirl said:


> It has always bothered me that I am the one who lays down the law, kicks them out and has to handle all of this. My husband says he supports me in doing this and then just plays his computer games and is oblivious. In June I let my husband have it. Told him that he brought this hell into my life and my son’s life with his dysfunctional kids. And I expected him to clean up the mess. This time I made him be the one to pack up there stuff, put it on the porch and handle them. I told him that I was so done and he could leave with them if he did not show some back bone.


It should have bothered you as it did me.

That`s one reason I`m a fairly big proponent of disengagement for step parents going through this hell.

It forces the bio parent to do their job and actually parent the kid while removing most of the stress from the step parent over all the day to day battles which the SP is usually poorly armed for anyway.

I think our OP may be out of time for disengagement at this point anyway.
He`d be starting all over again with a new attitude and while it might work it would take a fairly large investment of time and it doesn`t sound like he has the strength for that at this point...understandably.


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## NotaGoodSlave

Never date, let alone enter into a marriage contract, with a single mother. They are financial poison.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

NotaGoodSlave said:


> Never date, let alone enter into a marriage contract, with a single mother. They are financial poison.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has a point..


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## accept

I am really sorry for you and also sorry to disappoint you, but one sometimes has to realise when the battle is lost and stop fighting.
You have three people against you. Wife daughter and step son. You just cant win. It is hard on you to lose everything but for you to enjoy life from now on you really have to start again. I repeat that I am sorry for you but there is nothing you can really do short of a miracle. Unless you can somehow bring that boy to heel.


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## EleGirl

tacoma said:


> It should have bothered you as it did me.
> 
> That`s one reason I`m a fairly big proponent of disengagement for step parents going through this hell.


I am now a big proponent on this. When I married my husband he has 100% custody of his children. His ex was seldom in their life. So it really did thrust me into the mom position with them. For example I was the one who handled all the coming of age things with my step-daughter. But by the time I kicked them out I felt that I could not leave it up to whenever their dad decided to get to it. No one brings drug pushers and illegal drugs into my house.. PERIOD. I have a son who does not need this. I also have a job that I could lose in a heartbeat if the police ever showed up at my house over illegal drugs being in my home. It does not matter if I knew about them or not. Further I know that the police will just come in an arrest everyone in the house if they find illegal drugs. They will get the court sort it out. I am not allowing myself to be in the position. I am also no allowing my 22 year old son to be caught up in that. So I felt that had to act on the spot when I saw something wrong go down.



tacoma said:


> It forces the bio parent to do their job and actually parent the kid while removing most of the stress from the step parent over all the day to day battles which the SP is usually poorly armed for anyway. .


I agree. The thing is that I’m more of a parent to by two step kids than either their father or their mother are. They have told me over and over that I’m the only parent they really have. Even though my step son is not allowed here he called to today to wish me Merry Christmas and he wanted to come over to see me. I told him no as I cannot trust that he is clean. He did not call his dad or his mom. It’s a sad situation.



tacoma said:


> I think our OP may be out of time for disengagement at this point anyway.
> He`d be starting all over again with a new attitude and while it might work it would take a fairly large investment of time and it doesn`t sound like he has the strength for that at this point...understandably.


`
I agree on this. Though I do believe that the OP will have a problem because his daughter loves her brother. This is going to be hard to deal with.


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