# at a loss husband will not have sex with me



## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Hi everyone, long time viewer and first time poster. I was hoping to get advice without posting for sake that my husband might be on this site and find my thread. Here goes......... About 6 years ago my husband and I had a very hard time, I lost my job and we had to move into my parents house since he didnt have a very good paying job at the time and was going to school part time while working full time. We fought often and just grew apart due to fighting, and lack of communication. He would get mad at me to the point where we just could not sit down and have a conversation about anything. This lead me to feel unappreciated, and gave me the sensation that I needed to "tread lightly" when around him. I started venting to a co-worker/friend which unfortunately turned into an ea. It never escalated past this point and was purely an ea. My husband found out and was understandably furious which in turn made me shut down even more. I felt hurt and violated that he went into my cell phone and read my text, and like I had no idea what he would do next. I began to shut down and distance myself from him due to this. He called my work and told my boss that I was being sexually harassed by my co-worker and I went hysterical. I told him that my job was in jeopardy over something so childish and that he HAD to cancel the complaint which he did the very next morning. We ended up going to marriage counseling which seemed to help, but he would keep bringing the subject up and I over time have learned to listen to him since he told me that he needed to talk about it to get past it. I have learned to listen and understand the pain I caused him which I do feel terrible about. As time went on we decided to try and reconcile and as result he would try to make sexual advances towards me and tried telling me that was how he needed to bond with me. I had zero interest in being sexual at that time and told him it would take a while before we would get to that point in our realationship again and I needed to feel emotionally attached to him again before we could get to that point but he would keep advancing, sometimes multiple times per day. This got so old that I just told him no because the more he tried the less I wanted it even though I already didn't want it. As time kept going he initiated less and less, and less until fast forward to today where he shows absolutely zero interest in me. We never do anything together anymore, he never initiates at all, and we have sex maybe 3 times per year and that is ALOT if we do. NEVER more than once per month though, and it's usually every 5-6 months. I have gotten to the point where I won't even advance to try and initiate because I know he will have an excuse like work, not in the mood, or tired. We had a talk about our sex life, or lack thereof a few months ago and he said he just doesn't feel a need for it anymore and if he gets horny he will just masturbate and get on with life. It hurts to feel so undesired by my husband and I really want our sex life to get back on track but have no idea what to do to get it there. I feel unattractive, unsexy, and feel like I am married to a roomate more than a husband but I love him and will not leave him. Please do not tell me to leave like I have seen on other threads, I want real advice to help me get that spark back in our life.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

So let me get this straight. You basically conditioned/trained/forced your H to not desire/want to have sex with you, the only woman he SHOULD want to have sex with and you are mad because you got what you want? Sorry but it sounds like he is pretty much checked out and the damage is done. This is the same bullsh!t my W did to me and honestly I hope he leaves because he DOES NOT deserve this kind of treatment which is considered emotional abuse. How does it feel to be treated how you treated him?

Oh and for the record, you NEVER have to cheat and yes an emotional affair IS cheating. Threads like this get me so pissed off because I know the pain that poor man is going through. You need to leave him so he can find someone that RESPECTS, LOVES, and APPRECIATES HIM!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> *he said he just doesn't feel a need for it anymore and if he gets horny he will just masturbate and get on with life*


Odds are he is angry at you AND still desires you at the same time. He is masturbating as a way to punish you for the pain you caused him. 

While this is obviously NOT a mature way for him to go about things, odds are he still desires you if that helps restore some of your confidence. 

You will likely have to go through a painful argument of airing out issues and listening to one another as part of the healing process. Until then you are both likely shutting down and running away from it. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

helpthisguy86 said:


> So let me get this straight. You basically conditioned/trained/forced your H to not desire/want to have sex with you, the only woman he SHOULD want to have sex with and you are mad because you got what you want? Sorry but it sounds like he is pretty much checked out and the damage is done. This is the same bullsh!t my W did to me and honestly I hope he leaves because he DOES NOT deserve this kind of treatment which is considered emotional abuse. How does it feel to be treated how you treated him?
> 
> Oh and for the record, you NEVER have to cheat and yes an emotional affair IS cheating. Threads like this get me so pissed off because I know the pain that poor man is going through. You need to leave him so he can find someone that RESPECTS, LOVES, and APPRECIATES HIM!


Odds are this guy is still attracted to his wife! Otherwise he would not get angry about your post, just sayin!

Badsanta


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

When he read your text and "found out what I did" you "felt hurt and violated and like you didn't know what he would do next"?

You can't be serious. 

You showed no remorse, then shut down the one way he thought he could reconnect with you and feel loved, desired, and wanted. And now that you have completely squashed any self esteem he had, or desire for sex with his wife, you now complain of your lack of feeling desired, feeling hurt, AMD unwanted. 

You did not do the work then or try to understand what he needed, and now it may simply be too late. A person can only take so much abuse, and so many blows to their sense of self worth and ego before they just simply give up and snuff out any feelings of closeness that could have been rebuilt. 

He has checked out. And I can't blame him one bit. 

Only possible way to salvage this is to go into sincere azz kissing mode, show remorse for how you destroyed him and your marriage, build him back up, show him you understand him. Then, possibly. But the first time you throw anything back in his face or make it about how you feel hurt and unloved, that one step forward you took will be lost in the 10 steps back you just took.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you have hurt each time and time again until you now have what amounts to a pile of spaghetti that you cannot unravel on your own. Have you considered going to marriage counseling. I think you two really need to have someone else help you work your way back to each other.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Oh boy. Well I think you know that you messed up when you had an EA. But I still don't think, despite listening to him talk about his pain, that you recognize the damage you did. If you understood, you wouldn't be angry about him going through your phone. 

Granted, he shouldn't have filed the false complaint of harassment since it seems apparent you were a willing participant. 

Can you honestly be surprised he doesn't want you often? He needed you to help him heal post-EA. He needed you then and you weren't there for him. I understand why you weren't - you needed emotional closeness. But whatever the reasons, you didn't provide him what he needed to help heal and forgive you for your EA. So how can you really be surprised that he isn't looking to you for sex very often? As to where you go from here...at least you're still communicating, and having sex, albeit infrequently. Are you still in MC?


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Odds are this guy is still attracted to his wife! Otherwise he would not get angry about your post, just sayin!
> 
> Badsanta


that's a negative good sir. I left my W about 2 years ago and have never looked back. Actually decided a life of celibacy was better than a life with a partner. Just upsets me that he is going through what I did at one point in my life.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Yours is unfortunately a really good example of what happens when stuff builds up and people don't talk with each other. The feelings get expressed thru actions, hence the term "Acting out".

There's a lot of stuff here, and it quite possibly be beyond the point of no return. You need to get back into marriage therapy fast. 

As an FYI/FWIW/IMNSHO the notion that you need to "Feel better" or "Have a better relationship" before having sex is hogwash.....sex is not only an emotional release, it;s also biological. Even when the emotional part is absent or lacking due to those other issues, the physical connection should still be desired...not only b/c it's a connection that can lead to improved emotional stuff, but also, frankly, b/c it feels good. When one or both make the emotional connection a pre requisite for sex, what they're basically doing is extortion.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I'll go in a different direction, my wife did this to me for years, always blamed it on being tired, the pregnancy changed her hormones, blah blah blah. I lost 50 lbs and got promoted to VP and I can't keep her hands off me. I was fat and unappealing to her so sex became a chore, now I have a six pack and she tries to f*&% me everyday. Have you put on some weight recently? Or anything else that could impact his attraction towards you? Because regardless of how he was treated most men won't turn down sex when offered.

I will say that I don't initiate often, all those rejections did their damage, if she doesn't initiate we rarely have sex. I don't think that will go away ever. Once a wife conditions her husband for no sex he stops trying. But if you're initiating and he's like "nah I'd rather beat off", then something else is going on.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Thou shalt reap what thou sow...(and this seems to be the trajectory my marriage is following, unfortunately).


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed. I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


If you don't think your affair and subsequent refusal to have sex with him after the affair could cause depression you need to do more reading.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed.* I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate*, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


Per the bolded, you may feel that way, doesn't mean your H feels that way.

Honestly, sounds like he has checked out and discovered that he can take care of his sexual needs without you.

As Elegirl mentioned, it sounds like you both need a serious case of Marriage Counseling.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed. I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. *He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression*.


With a generous amount of emotional abuse, which you provided, I believe you can.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Your marriage is badly screwed up - but maybe not beyond hope.

Can you talk to him. Tell him that you want to make things right between you. Ask if he is willing to try again, to try to fall back in love. If he says no, then your only choice is to end things.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Both of you have been hurt. Both of you have been neglected. Both of you would be entitled to decide that you are done making investments into the relationship and to wait for the other person to make the first move.

But if you both do that, the problem will never get resolved. One of you has to swallow their pride, apologize, and make investment into the marriage with no guarantee that the other person will reciprocate. You are here, and you are complaining about the situation, so I nominate you to "go first". Even if you feel that is not fair. I can't promise you what will happen if you go first. I can guarantee you what will happen if you don't. Misery, cheating, divorce or maybe all of the above.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"If you don't learn empathy, you will lose your husband."

The above quote was stated, verbatim, to my wife on our first MC appointment.

You had better learn it, or you will be here six months from now trying to understand why you were just served with divorce papers.

But in order to do so, you have to remove yourself from the victim chair. Yes, you have suffered. But boy oh boy, have you gotten your pound of flesh from him as well...

Learn empathy, or prepare for divorce.



lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed. I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally.


You could if you wanted to. You just didn't want to. It's called an act of love for someone you love and who you've hurt. You deeply wounded him with your EA, then could not bring yourself to give him one of the most important things he needed to feel close to you again, because you "didn't feel close emotionally".

Instead of taking responsibility for what you did, learning how to help him heal, and taking the opportunity to CREATE closeness with him where it had all but vanished, you still could not get out of your own head or "needs". 

You may not feel that way, but I guarantee he does. He saw colossal rejection with your EA. And to add salt to the wound, after you were discovered, you continued to heap rejection on him. After he read words of your love, attraction, and desire for another man who was not him.




> A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed.


What "damage" did he do to the trust? Look through your phone? And this really ticks you off why? Because you were leading a secret life you did not want him to be a part of? 

You're married. You get privacy in the bathroom. Not privacy to carry on affairs behind your partner's back.



> I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


I suggest some reading for you. That is, if you have any desire to see any of this from your H's point of view and actually get out of your own head and what YOU want or "need", and fix this with him.

"Not Just Friends"

"After the Affair".

Both available on Amazon / Kindle.

If you spent half the hours you spent in a single week figuring out what to write your EA partner, you'd blow right through both these books by Friday and perhaps get some insight into the REAL damage and hurt you caused your husband.

You clearly do not understand how discovery of an affair and / or an untrustworthy and disloyal spouse can shake someone to their core and make them question EVERYTHING about not only the marriage, but their own world outside of the marriage. Everything someone THINKS they KNOW about YOU, their own life, and their marriage has just been shattered into a million pieces.

You can't "make or give" someone depression, but you can sure injure and traumatize someone else so deeply that they will find depression easily on the path you paved for them and pushed them down without their consent or knowledge!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

*Is this for real?*



lostandhelpless said:


> Hi everyone, long time viewer and first time poster. I was hoping to get advice without posting for sake that my husband might be on this site and find my thread. Here goes......... About 6 years ago my husband and I had a very hard time, I lost my job and we had to move into my parents house since he didnt have a very good paying job at the time and was going to school part time while working full time. We fought often and just grew apart due to fighting, and lack of communication. He would get mad at me to the point where we just could not sit down and have a conversation about anything. This lead me to feel unappreciated, and gave me the sensation that I needed to "tread lightly" when around him. I started venting to a co-worker/friend which unfortunately turned into an ea. It never escalated past this point and was purely an ea.


_Translation: _ We had some serious financial problems, couldn’t support ourselves and moved into my parent’s house. This led to us not getting along well and I decided the best solution was to become emotionally involved with another man.



lostandhelpless said:


> My husband found out and was understandably furious which in turn made me shut down even more. I felt hurt and violated that he went into my cell phone and read my text, and like I had no idea what he would do next. I began to shut down and distance myself from him due to this.


_Translation: _Rather than work on the marriage and support my husband emotionally, build up trust again and help him deal with the pain of the affair I decided to distance myself from my husband even more than before, rugswept the affair and then to add insult to injury, accused him of being nosy for spying on me and not trusting me. 



lostandhelpless said:


> He called my work and told my boss that I was being sexually harassed by my co-worker and I went hysterical. I told him that my job was in jeopardy over something so childish and that he HAD to cancel the complaint which he did the very next morning.


_Translation: _When my husband did what he needed to do to kill the affair, I lost my $hit! Hubby was a good boy though and cancelled the complaint.



lostandhelpless said:


> We ended up going to marriage counseling which seemed to help, but he would keep bringing the subject up and I over time have learned to listen to him since he told me that he needed to talk about it to get past it. I have learned to listen and understand the pain I caused him which I do feel terrible about.


_Translation: _We went to counseling where I was allowed to continue to rugsweep. I feel kinda bad now that I had the EA. 



lostandhelpless said:


> As time went on we decided to try and reconcile and as result he would try to make sexual advances towards me and tried telling me that was how he needed to bond with me. I had zero interest in being sexual at that time and told him it would take a while before we would get to that point in our relationship again and I needed to feel emotionally attached to him again before we could get to that point but he would keep advancing, sometimes multiple times per day.


_Translation: _I still resented my husband, but since I was still attached to my affair partner I did not want to have sex with him. I did not try to reconnect with my husband except to the extent that it benefitted me. I was intentionally cruel and selfish and wanted him to work even harder to win back my love and affection. 



lostandhelpless said:


> This got so old that I just told him no because the more he tried the less I wanted it even though I already didn't want it. As time kept going he initiated less and less, and less until fast forward to today where he shows absolutely zero interest in me.


_Translation: _ I continued to reject him and over time the relationship slowly died.



lostandhelpless said:


> We never do anything together anymore, he never initiates at all, and we have sex maybe 3 times per year and that is ALOT if we do. NEVER more than once per month though, and it's usually every 5-6 months. I have gotten to the point where I won't even advance to try and initiate because I know he will have an excuse like work, not in the mood, or tired.


_Translation: _He has now lost interest in me and the marriage. He rejects me often.



lostandhelpless said:


> We had a talk about our sex life, or lack thereof a few months ago and he said he just doesn't feel a need for it anymore and if he gets horny he will just masturbate and get on with life.


_Translation: _He has now lost interest in me and the marriage. He would rather masturbate than f*ck me. 



lostandhelpless said:


> It hurts to feel so undesired by my husband and I really want our sex life to get back on track but have no idea what to do to get it there.


_Translation: _He has now lost interest in me and the marriage. And it hurts my feelings. 



lostandhelpless said:


> I feel unattractive, unsexy, and feel like I am married to a roomate more than a husband but I love him and will not leave him.


_Translation: _Because he has lost interest in me and the marriage, my feelings are hurt. When I was rejecting him, he used to still make me feel sexy and attractive when he was pursuing me. Now that he rejects me I no longer feel pretty. I still need my ego stroked but he won’t do it anymore. 



lostandhelpless said:


> Please do not tell me to leave like I have seen on other threads, I want real advice to help me get that spark back in our life.


*Get yourself in Counseling for yourself…you need some serious help!

If I was your husband I would have kicked you’re a$$ to the curb years ago. You should thank your lucky stars if he accepts a suggestion for more marriage counseling.*


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I'm going to take another approach at this topic.

You want to restore your sex life, I think you need to start the process. He's pretty beat down by you distancing yourself and having the EA. Assuming he wants to restore the sex life, I would say.
1) Seduce him. Put on some some sexy underwear, lingerie, or whatever gets him going. I know when my wife does this it doesn't matter what or if I'm mad at her, it's all completely nullified.
Why: It's an indication that you WANT him. It's actions, not words.
So open some wine, put on something sexy, and tell him "I know we've had a lot of problems, but tonight I want to start over, be your girlfriend, and start having sex."

2) It wouldn't hurt to, after that, have a conversation about it. Ask him "what can we do to restore our sexual and emotional relationship." Tell him that despite the problems of the past, you want to both make an effort to get back to where you once were as a happy couple.

Nothing is going to happen until you show sincere vulnerability and desire. There's a chance he could push you away and that may hurt, but he's not going to do anything without effort from you first.

So step 1. Seduce him. I think it'll work. Let him know this isn't a one time thing but that you want his advances as well going forward.

Otherwise just give up as I don't know what you're trying to accomplish.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> Hi everyone, long time viewer and first time poster. I was hoping to get advice without posting for sake that my husband might be on this site and find my thread. Here goes......... About 6 years ago my husband and I had a very hard time, I lost my job and we had to move into my parents house since he didnt have a very good paying job at the time and was going to school part time while working full time. We fought often and just grew apart due to fighting, and lack of communication. He would get mad at me to the point where we just could not sit down and have a conversation about anything. This lead me to feel unappreciated, and gave me the sensation that I needed to "tread lightly" when around him. I started venting to a co-worker/friend which unfortunately turned into an ea. It never escalated past this point and was purely an ea. My husband found out and was understandably furious which in turn made me shut down even more. I felt hurt and violated that he went into my cell phone and read my text, and like I had no idea what he would do next. I began to shut down and distance myself from him due to this. He called my work and told my boss that I was being sexually harassed by my co-worker and I went hysterical. I told him that my job was in jeopardy over something so childish and that he HAD to cancel the complaint which he did the very next morning. We ended up going to marriage counseling which seemed to help, but he would keep bringing the subject up and I over time have learned to listen to him since he told me that he needed to talk about it to get past it. I have learned to listen and understand the pain I caused him which I do feel terrible about. As time went on we decided to try and reconcile and as result he would try to make sexual advances towards me and tried telling me that was how he needed to bond with me. I had zero interest in being sexual at that time and told him it would take a while before we would get to that point in our realationship again and I needed to feel emotionally attached to him again before we could get to that point but he would keep advancing, sometimes multiple times per day. This got so old that I just told him no because the more he tried the less I wanted it even though I already didn't want it. As time kept going he initiated less and less, and less until fast forward to today where he shows absolutely zero interest in me. We never do anything together anymore, he never initiates at all, and we have sex maybe 3 times per year and that is ALOT if we do. NEVER more than once per month though, and it's usually every 5-6 months. I have gotten to the point where I won't even advance to try and initiate because I know he will have an excuse like work, not in the mood, or tired. We had a talk about our sex life, or lack thereof a few months ago and he said he just doesn't feel a need for it anymore and if he gets horny he will just masturbate and get on with life. It hurts to feel so undesired by my husband and I really want our sex life to get back on track but have no idea what to do to get it there. *I feel unattractive, unsexy, and feel like I am married to a roomate *more than a husband but I love him and will not leave him. Please do not tell me to leave like I have seen on other threads, I want real advice to help me get that spark back in our life.



How do you think he was feeling when you were rejecting him?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

A mans sex drive is a use it or lose it instinct, you rejecting him for as long as you did put him into a lose it situation and he has done just that.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

LostandHelpless,

During your EA you lost all of your attraction for your H which was horrifying for your H, if you have never been on the receiving end of an affair perhaps you cannot empathize. This is what caused your H to drop into a protective mode, he did what he could to hold the marriage together during the crisis, but once the crisis ended the memory of the pain was so intense that he could never risk trusting or loving you again. 

There are a few things you can do.

* Offer to take a polygraph to establish that he has the full truth about the affair. Why should he trust you he may assume it was actually a physical affair. BTW kissing is a physical affair.

* Throw out any gifts the OM gave you, allow your H to destroy them.

* Open all your social media and phones to your H.

* Cut off all contact with the OM, and anyone who supported the affair, or mutual friends of OM, your H was correct to get the OM fired, much kinder than a baseball bat

* The OMs spouse or girlfriend needs to be informed.

I sincerely hope you are NOT still working with the OM!

Tamat


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> It hurts to feel so undesired by my husband and I really want our sex life to get back on track but have no idea what to do to get it there.


So seems like most of your relationship has been about what you want. You wanted emtional closeness so you went to someone else. You want to feel desireid so now you want sex. 

Maybe you can now have some empathy for your husband. 



lostandhelpless said:


> I feel unattractive, unsexy, and feel like I am married to a roomate more than a husband


You do understand that you husband has feeling too. You have spent years making him feel this way both emotionally and physically. He has changed your relationship with him to that of a sister. Because you specifically asked him to both in voice and action.

Seriously you don't seem like a very good wife, however you seem to think you are, basically because you have seen this all from your perspective and never tried to see it from his. He has a wife who cheated on him and then didn't have sex. What do you think that does to a man's sense of his own masculinity, sense of his own sexuality. I mean you should have just cut off his balls and be done with it. 

I get it he yells and hurts your feelings, the way to deal with that though was to deal with it. Target it and work on it, not go to someone else or shut yourself down. You had a right to want to fix this but you didn't do that you just abandoned him. 

He is depressed not because of what you did to him, he is depressed because he emasculated himself by staying with a wife who cares way more about herself then she does him. He is depressed because he has allowed himself to be stuck in a marriage with a partner who checked out on him. Being passive in ones own life leads to being depressed especially for men. I don't think a lot of BS understand this though. 

At this point the first thing you should do is apologize and ask for mercy so he doesn't leave. At that point the ball is in his court. If he loves you maybe he will move forward. Then you might want to try to be sexual with him and see if somehow you can change his perception of you from sister back to lover. That's hard though. It may not happen. 

I am sorry for you OP but you have made the man change his own nature (after you cheated on him I might add). He must really love you to do that, or he is just too afraid to leave. 

Mostly I am sorry for him though.

One other thing if you don't learn empathy for your SO you can divorce this guy and marry someone else and you will end up right back here. You are his partner, he is not your emotional chauffeur.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Both of you have been hurt. Both of you have been neglected.



Only one of them has been cheated on though. Lets be real here.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

When you do have sex, are you involved, passionate? Do you make him feel desired, or do you just lay there like a piece of meat? If it is the latter, jerking off is more pleasurable.

Try this: walk up to him get on your knees and give him an unbelievable BJ. If that doesnt get him goimg, its definately over.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

You're getting beat up- rather than pile on I'm gonna give you straight up advice. 

You F'd up and we all get it. So like another poster advised: seduce him and get ready to be rejected. 

Check your pride at the door and tell him he is the world to you and you are gong to try and seduce him every night this week, so get used to it (wink wink). 

You have some making up to do. - if he tries to reject you, just put your arms around him. Cover him up with affection. This is your last ditch effort if you want this to work. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed. I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


And I'm sorry, you're just making excuses.

Sex isn't just about "Being close"..it's also about fun, and it's also a very good way to build a much needed emotional bridge. You have to start somewhere, and if you passively wait to "Feel closer" or "Feel better", you might as well lawyer up. 

Every therapist I know will say that once sex goes, the chances of reconciliation drop dramatically. And once one or both parties refuse to re engage sexually...as a therapeutic prescription to build that bridge...the chances drop even further.

What exactly is the result you;re after in your marriage and how hard are you willing to work for it? It won't happen by itself.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally.


And you're here, writing a thread about how you're upset your husband won't have sex with somebody HE doesn't feel close to emotionally.

He's doing the same thing you did to him. You snapped out of it. Maybe he will, too. Maybe he won't.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

And before you think you're just getting beat up by a bunch of formerly betrayed and bitter spouses here, understand that many of them are telling you what WE would have liked or needed to see from our wayward spouse to possibly get things back on track for us. 

Some waywards get it quicker than others. And some never "get it" at all. Which one will you be? Better late than never.

You want this to work, be prepared to be repeatedly rejected until he is CONVINCED you are truly sorry and desire him (and only him) and you are a SAFE partner for him. And keep trying. 

Being safe means putting him before yourself at this point, showing him you will take your well deserved lumps without shifting blame, and without putting your pride first. That may begin to show him you are serious about HIM and can go above and beyond to keep him and not hurt him in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Only one of them has been cheated on though. Lets be real here.


Don't count it out.

Many men won't give up sex, and just may seek it out elsewhere if they're not getting it at home. Now refusing it should be a red flag.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

larry.gray said:


> Don't count it out.
> 
> Many men won't give up sex, and just may seek it out elsewhere if they're not getting it at home. Now refusing it should be a red flag.


So we are just assuming infidelity now?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

sokillme said:


> So we are just assuming infidelity now?


No - just that she should consider it as a possibility and might want to snoop (very discretely) in addition to the other advice she's getting.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

larry.gray said:


> No - just that she should consider it as a possibility and might want to snoop (very discretely) in addition to the other advice she's getting.


Is her husband then allowed to be as upset as she was when he snooped?

This M is basically over, just both of them are not strong enough to admit that and pull the plug.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@lostandhelpless,

I'm sorry that you're getting so beaten up instead of hearing how to fix your marriage. As @EleGirl points out, you and your husband need expert marriage counseling. I believe your marriage is salvageable.

Essentially what you're dealing with is your husband's giant pile of resentment. He still loves you, otherwise he would have left long ago. While 6 years is a long time to carry around resentment, 6 years of resentment is like a large hill to climb rather than a mountain.

Resentment is caused by hurt. Hurt that goes unresolved and unaddressed. Hurt that gets buried and doesn't go away easily. 

After your husband discovered the EA, you both realized the horrible impact this would have on your marriage. The reason why you didn't want to have sex with him at that point was because you resented him, resented how he discovered the affair and resented how he behaved after his discovery. And all this resentment piled on top of the resentment you already had due to his behavior that drove a wedge between you two which essentially allowed you to seek emotional solace by confiding in another man. You didn't want sex because...you resented him.

Meanwhile your husband was hugely hurt that you would form an attachment with another man. His trust in you and his belief that you were a life partner (us two against the world together) was shattered. You two stayed together but his hurt went pretty much unaddressed. And all of this hurt/resentment was being magnified and expanded each time you rejected him when he sought to recreate the bond throug sex. Eventually, he shut down emotionally. 

Now, 6 years later he has been in a shut down mode and he is more distant then ever.

Resentment only goes away when it is fully and completely addressed. Each little hurt, each time he felt rejected, your EA, each text he read...everything has to be fully addressed by both of you. He has to talk and you have to listen to every word he says and you have to show empathy and ownership of causing that hurt. You have to own every little hurt your caused him and you have to sincerely apologize for everything. Not a blanket apology, an apology for each hurt. Each time you rejected him when he NEEDED to bond with you after his discovery has to be accounted for. After a trauma to the marriage, such as your EA, there is a form of hysterical bonding that takes place. A hyperdrive to recreate the bond that was broken. You denied him that bond because your resentment was still unaddressed. But you didn't realize that by denying him that avenue to recreate the bond, you destroyed that very avenue. Now he can no longer feel a sexual attraction toward you. And you have to own the blame for that.

This is the only way to leveling this giant pile of resentment.

I'm assuming your husband has so shut down that he doesn't even have much interest in fixing this marriage or revisiting all the hurt and pain. You're going to have to flay yourself wide open for him to feel safe enough to reopen that hurt and pain. 

How to flay yourself wide open?

1. Discover his love language and make those a priority for you. Obviously physical affection might be rejected, but generally this is one of the top love languages for men. Men also have a need for feeling appreciated and respected. You're going to have to deliver these in spades no matter how he does or doesn't fulfill your love languages.

2. After making his love languages your top priority for a while, maybe a few months, then you ask him if he would like to fix this marriage so that it more closely resembles the love and affection you two felt for each other when you first got married. If he says yes, then you ask him to open up to you about all the ways you have hurt him so that you can take responsibility for hurting him.

He may have a hard time opening up. He may not want to open up all his hurt and pain all over again. He needs to understand that a sexless marriage is not worth saving. A marriage without trust is not worth saving. A marriage the only hurts rather than builds is not worth saving. These are the things you need to stay married. Since you're the one who broke this marriage, and it already on thin ice, you have to tell and show him that you want to save this marriage but cannot do it without his participation. If he refuses to participate, you will have to decide if you can accept a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.

The fact that your husband is still in the same home with you tells me he does still love you. I find it concerning that he is punishing you both be refusing sex. Is he kind of passive aggressive?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, I think whenever there is an affair, it ultimately takes both people looking at what they contributed that allowed the affair to happen to repair the relationship.

If your husband had been someone you could have gone to talk to, about anything, in whatever way you needed to, six years ago, that EA would never have happened. You would have felt loved and supported.

Or if you had told him, Look, if I cannot come to you and feel listened to, I am going to divorce you, like tomorrow, that EA would not have happened. You would have filed and then been free.

It happened because of what both of you did and did not do. And this marriage will only be repaired by what both of you do and do not do. 



All that said, I would give up on this guy if I were you. I do not see any leadership in him. Only victimhood. You will have to carry this one around the rest of his life like a small child, I am afraid. A heavy load.

But if you are okay with that, then good enough. It is worth it to some women. Different strokes for different folks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> All that said, I would give up on this guy if I were you. *I do not see any leadership in him. Only victimhood. You will have to carry this one around the rest of his life like a small child, I am afraid. A heavy load.*
> 
> But if you are okay with that, then good enough. It is worth it to some women. Different strokes for different folks.




Totally agree. Why bother punishing her with refusing sex? Refusing to accept his top love language, if Chapman is to be believed, is throwing the baby out with the bath water.

It reeks of passive aggressive behavior and that won't end until he accepts that he is passive aggressively punishing her. And we all know how well passive aggressive people, notice I didn't say men, accept responsibility for being passive aggressive....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think this is a bridge too far.

PA? Maybe. Hurt? Most certainly. And frankly, while he may be playing the victim card, he has been victimized. That is not imaginary.

But let's set that aside for a moment, because he is not here, right?

The OP is distinctly lacking in empathy. The entire narrative is about her feelings, her losses, her victimhood. There is a glossing over of her husband being hurt; sort of a cursory mention.

That can't be discounted.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Totally agree. Why bother punishing her with refusing sex? Refusing to accept his top love language, if Chapman is to be believed, is throwing the baby out with the bath water.
> 
> It reeks of passive aggressive behavior and that won't end until he accepts that he is passive aggressively punishing her. And we all know how well passive aggressive people, notice I didn't say men, accept responsibility for being passive aggressive....


Sometimes, the simplest answer is the actual answer.

No complexity. No conspiracies. No hidden agendas.

Is it inconceivable to realize it is in the realm of possibilities that he simply is no longer interested in sex with her? He could enjoy her company *AND* no longer need/want/require sex with her.

By her own admission, she shut him down completely when it came to sex (and more than likely any intimacy as well). She made it clear that any and all efforts related to sex would be negatively received.

What's the old warning - be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. She wished for a sexless marriage - she now has it.

I don't see it as punishment or passive aggressive - I see it as learned behavior.

I will agree that he was weak for staying - after several months of her denying, he should have let her know she needs to change or the marriage will end. I see him changing in order to stay in the relationship with her.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Thank you all for the support, especially from jld. we have talked about it and discussed it over and over and over. i have broken down and cried because i simply felt so bad that i even did that to him. it was stupid, i was young, i was weak, and i didnt know any better, he is passive aggressive and he knows it. heck he has admitted it! he knows that this was all because of how he treated me and that if he had given me the attention, love, and affection i needed this would not have happened. i know he is not cheating, we are open with our phones, facebook, etc, and i have snooped finding nothing. he works long hours at work, and goes out of town for work quite often. again i know this is the case and valid. he has just told me he has no need for sex at all and has no desire for it with ANY woman. basically that he has better things to do than have sex while he can be getting other things done that need attention. he has even said there are marriages without sex and that i got my wish that he wouldn't initiate. thats not the case though, all i wanted was for him to give me space while i healed and tried to get closer to him. i told him i wanted to go on dates, or snuggle on the couch, only after i felt that connection to him and our relationship was at that level again could i become intimate. maybe i did end up doing this to myself, but i find it very hard to believe that out of everyone i know i have the only husband with a dead sex drive. its gotten to the point where he doesnt like to be in the room nude with me, and if i am changing he will leave to give me privacy. he used to at least grab my breasts or slap me on the behind, but no more. granted i never touched him except during sex but i'm just so tired most of the time after work i just dont have the energy to fool around, and have been taking care of my dad. i dont think my husband understands what i have been going through with my dad. i have to take care of all his bills, go shopping for him, clean his house, etc. basically i have to do all of the wife duties that my mom never did and cannot do now that she has passed. its hard and most people do not understand. he has hired a maid but i wish he would do more around the house to help me as well so i guess there is resentment there. granted he works 12-16 hours per day at minimum but he works from home some days and nothing, i mean NOTHING gets done, not even the dishes, he just has the maid clean everything when she comes 3 times per week.

i'm sorry for the long winded response as i have a lot going on in my head today...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You know what? At this point it really doesn't matter who did what to whom. You each need to answer this question. 

Can you be happy in a marriage for the rest of you life that does not include sex?
@lostandhelpless, you're here trying to find a way to bring sex back to your marriage so you've already given your answer. You've also already hear from your H that sexlessness is what he prefers.

Sorry, I know you didn't want to hear this, but your marriage is over. Your H drew the battle line, he would continue to refuse you sex because HE didn't need to have it. Translation: he will continue to punish you for the rest of your life because he is a passive aggressive child who has taken his toys and gone home.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Is he the one saying that his lack of affection for you directly caused your affair, or are you?

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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Is he the one saying that his lack of affection for you directly caused your affair, or are you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


i am, and i have finally gotten him to the point where he has accepted that fact. if he gave me what i had needed i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort he needed to give me. i love him and want this to work, but i wish he would just get over what happened, he is the only one holding us back.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> i am, and i have finally gotten him to the point where he has accepted that fact. if he gave me what i had needed i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort he needed to give me. i love him and want this to work, but i wish he would just get over what happened, he is the only one holding us back.




So you're saying that you're the one who is passive aggressive?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So you're saying that you're the one who is passive aggressive?


no i am not, i am saying i am the one that says he is the reason i had the ea since he did not give me the attention/affection i needed.

he is passive aggressive by holding this over my head and not moving on.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> i am, and i have finally gotten him to the point where he has accepted that fact. if he gave me what i had needed i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort he needed to give me. i love him and want this to work, but i wish he would just get over what happened, he is the only one holding us back.


Forced? Who held a gun to your head and forced you to have inappropriate contact with another man?  And now shame on your husband for not "getting over it"?

My bet is that he is tired of hearing you blame him for your affair, and he is likely PA, so he caved to your insistence, and now resents the crap out of you.

But go ahead and keep blaming him for your poor choices.

Had you done that to me after an EA, you would have found yourself single again.

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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He didn't give you what you need so you had an affair. But you're not passive aggressive. Ok. Keep telling yourself that.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> no i am not, i am saying i am the one that says he is the reason i had the ea since he did not give me the attention/affection i needed.
> 
> he is passive aggressive by holding this over my head and not moving on.


I honestly can see why your H has shut down on you, you are trying to spin everything around on him even on here! He is not responsible for your actions, you cheated on your own accord, he didn't force you to. Yes, he should have been a more understanding, compassionate, H as all husbands should, but it was no excuse to cheat on him. His lack of affection/desire towards you stems from a few items:

1. You cheated on him, EA or PA, it's still cheating.
2. You REFUSED him when he truly NEEDED to be close to you (hysterical bonding) so he was forced to distance himself and shut down.
3. You continued to shift the blame to him and honestly I feel you still do as you do on here.
4. You have still not been there for him.

Here's some advice, maybe start being a W for your H and not your Dad. I'm sure your Dad is a great guy, but come on, your H HIRED A MAID to make it easier on you and you STILL aren't happy?!?! Now you tell us why you think he would want to open up and be intimate with someone that has your characteristics/personality.

Honestly it sounds like he is checked out and done, like one of the posters above said. Seems like you are both unhappy and just no strong enough to pull the cord on this vegetated state of a marriage.

Send him here so I can talk to him about living a celibate life. I have been celibate for 2 years now and absolutely love not having to worry about women. I thought my W was the only one like this, well I guess I was wrong and you have made me feel even better about my decision to stay as far away from relationships with women as possible.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He didn't give you what you need so you had an affair. But you're not passive aggressive. Ok. Keep telling yourself that.


Explain to me how I am passive aggressive, seems to me as expected only the women understand where I am coming from......


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> Explain to me how I am passive aggressive, seems to me as expected only the women understand where I am coming from......


OMG, that is by definition a passive aggressive statement if I have ever seen one! Here is how it reads to me:



> LA LA LA LA LA (covering my ears to anything men say as I do not want to hear that!) As I was predisposed and *expected* to prove that men here and the one I am married to do NOT understand me.


Now even if that is true and you do actually feel that way, you have to understand that your response above is potentially very hurtful to the men trying to help you, and therefor it is also by nature passive aggressive.

Of course I am a guy and I might as well be talking to the wall since ONLY women can help you at this point (that is now me being playfully passive aggressive to help you recognize it).

Hope that helps you understand your own passive aggressiveness...

Badsanta


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

so, enough talk.... have you tried to seduce him yet? Don't take no for an answer. Throw yourself at him and pull out all the stops. Get ready for rejection, but keep being sweet and sexy.

Do this and report back.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Maybe, but it could also be completely the wrong approach here. If he is turning her down because he felt used and rejected in the past, it might seem like she is just trying to get what *she* wants.

One problem is that we really don't know how HE feels, what he is thinking. We don't know if he is naturally high drive, and has just shut down, or if he feels OK living without sex. 


I know that pretty much no matter how angry I was with my wife, if she came to me naked and told me that she was sorry and she would do anything I wanted to make things better - I would accept (and wouldn't even ask her to do anything she didn't like). But different people think differently. If my wife were angry at me, an offer of sex would make her much angrier, not less.








jarhed said:


> so, enough talk.... have you tried to seduce him yet? Don't take no for an answer. Throw yourself at him and pull out all the stops. Get ready for rejection, but keep being sweet and sexy.
> 
> Do this and report back.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Totally agree. Why bother punishing her with refusing sex? Refusing to accept his top love language, if Chapman is to be believed, is throwing the baby out with the bath water.
> 
> It reeks of passive aggressive behavior and that won't end until he accepts that he is passive aggressively punishing her. And we all know how well passive aggressive people, notice I didn't say men, accept responsibility for being passive aggressive....


Could be a mental thing. Maybe he had to change his perception of her to stay with her. Turn her into a sister in his mind. Remove all sexual thinking about her.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Could be a mental thing. Maybe he had to change his perception of her to stay with her. Turn her into a sister in his mind. Remove all sexual thinking about her.


Honestly i think you are correct in your thinking. he has mentioned before about feeling like roommates and has even said before that “this is what you wanted isn’t it? for me to not want to initiate so i had no choice but to shut down and it’s not a switch i can simply flick and turn back on like a light bulb.

i know he is seeing a therapist for his depression and he has been really stressed with work as well. other than our sex life we have been great. i know he has been dealing with a lot of stress and long hours at work to the point where he has had 3 emotional/mental break downs in the last 2 months which prompted him to see a therapist. he has voiced that he hates feeling how he does but he’s stuck and has no idea how to switch everything back. he told me before that he was going crazy when I would reject him and he had no other reason than to shut down his drive and focus on work.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> he knows that this was all because of how he treated me and that if he had given me the attention, love, and affection i needed this would not have happened.


Again this statement shows you take no personal responsibility, and it is frankly a bulls__t excuse. The only reason this happened is because you chose to let it. You are responsible for not addressing the issues you had with him, not fighting for a better marriage. I am sure this attitude permeates everything in your recover, if you even had one. 

Will you have an affair again if you are not getting "attention, love, and affection" you needed. Marriage is not, "am I getting what I need". It should be "is my partner getting what they need". If both partners think this way the marriage will grow and thrive. You need for both of you to work to this point. So I ask has he ever gotten what he needed from you? Do you even know what he needs?

Until you change this thinking you marriage will never get better. OP you are responsible for your affair no one else.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I see someone who is latching on to anything to avoid seeing their own part in this situation.

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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

@Anon Pink nailed it in post #36.

I will stop the blame game for a moment to echo the sentiments that she brought up, because she is dead on the money, it's all about resentment. You resent him for emotional abandonment, He resents you for physical abandonment, you both resent each other for growing further apart and neither of you are doing anything to address the root issues.

I mentioned in a previous post that a male's sex drive is a use it or lose it drive. I don't say that as a joke or as a dig. Biologically speaking it is a fact. the less sex a male engages in the less he will want it, given enough time it will eventually culminate in impotence. Years of rejection has killed his interest in sex. I would go further though. he has no interest in reviving that interest I would question why, is it because he doesn't like the partner he has to revive it with? this is where the need for counselling comes in. That resentment and rejection he is feeling has very likely left him with some disdain for you, the emotional trophies left behind when a spouse has an affair.

Men and women are opposites when it comes to what it takes to initiate sex and tie it to emotions. Women need to feel an emotional bond to someone to be interested in sex and work towards making that bond first. Men on the other hand need the sex to encourage the emotional bond. As mentioned previously, you denied him the opportunity to reconnect that emotional bond with you when you rejected his advances after he discovered your EA. Think about what was going through his mind at the time. He found out about the EA and insisted that you stop. When you stopped with your EA partner you rejected your H. This tells him that he was your second choice, you are mad at your H because he wouldn't allow you to continue with the other man. To him you didn't reject him sexually, you rejected him entirely and sent a strong message that he was your second choice. These scars won't go away because you missed your chance to address them.

I'm not putting this on the OP or her H, quite simply put there is enough damage on both sides that I think its highly unlikely that either will get over it. divorce is inevitable.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You've also already hear from your H that sexlessness is what he prefers.
> 
> Sorry, I know you didn't want to hear this, but your marriage is over. Your H drew the battle line, he would continue to refuse you sex because HE didn't need to have it. Translation: he will continue to punish you for the rest of your life because he is a passive aggressive child who has taken his toys and gone home.


As someone who is basically doing what her H is doing, I have only a slight quibble with this characterization.

I don't think her H prefers sexlessness in the abstract. I think he prefers it in the context of their marriage as he has experienced it to date. Given that he doesn't trust her, and she has repeatedly rejected him, he has - in my view wisely - decided that he cannot afford the emotional cost of sharing his needs and vulnerabilities with his wife. Because when he shares, his wife rejects him.

If she wants to stay married and not be sexless, she needs to convince him that she will react differently in the future. Which means she needs to focus less on her own unmet needs and more on being sympathetic and trying her best to meet his needs, or at least letting him down easy when she can't. She needs to be open and honest about her thoughts and feelings so he can decide when it is safe to share his needs and vulnerabilities.

Also, there is the power dynamic. I am guessing early in the marriage he expended much effort to cater to her, in the hopes of being "rewarded" with sex. Typical "nice guy" covert contract crap. Did it myself for far far too long. How did she react to his advances (admittedly unskilled)? She rejected him. Then cheated. Then rejected him some more. How does that make him feel? Powerless. Weak. Ugly. Totally lacking in control over his own life. Eventually, after he takes far to many blows to the head, gut and genitals, she finally beats his sex drive into submission. Then one day she wakes up horny and comes on to him and he rejects her. And she feels hurt. And guess what? How does HE feel? He feels fabulous. Powerful. Attractive. In control. You think he is going to give up those feelings without a fight? If she wants him to consent to sex, she is going to have to convince him that she can make him feel just as wonderful when they are having sex as he feels when he is rejecting her. Which means she is going to have to give up any thoughts of regaining exclusive power in their relationship and agree that he is entitled to a say in his life - including his sex life.

Maybe she cannot do any of that. All her posts so far are about herself and her needs and her unhappiness and not much sympathy for what she put her H through. If she can't do that for him, then I agree their marriage is an empty shell and both of them would probably be better off divorced.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> Hi everyone, long time viewer and first time poster. I was hoping to get advice without posting for sake that my husband might be on this site and find my thread. Here goes......... About 6 years ago my husband and I had a very hard time, I lost my job and we had to move into my parents house since he didnt have a very good paying job at the time and was going to school part time while working full time. We fought often and just grew apart due to fighting, and lack of communication. He would get mad at me to the point where we just could not sit down and have a conversation about anything. This lead me to feel unappreciated, and gave me the sensation that I needed to "tread lightly" when around him. I started venting to a co-worker/friend which unfortunately turned into an ea. It never escalated past this point and was purely an ea. My husband found out and was understandably furious which in turn made me shut down even more. I felt hurt and violated that he went into my cell phone and read my text, and like I had no idea what he would do next. I began to shut down and distance myself from him due to this. He called my work and told my boss that I was being sexually harassed by my co-worker and I went hysterical. I told him that my job was in jeopardy over something so childish and that he HAD to cancel the complaint which he did the very next morning. We ended up going to marriage counseling which seemed to help, but he would keep bringing the subject up and I over time have learned to listen to him since he told me that he needed to talk about it to get past it. I have learned to listen and understand the pain I caused him which I do feel terrible about. As time went on we decided to try and reconcile and as result he would try to make sexual advances towards me and tried telling me that was how he needed to bond with me. I had zero interest in being sexual at that time and told him it would take a while before we would get to that point in our realationship again and I needed to feel emotionally attached to him again before we could get to that point but he would keep advancing, sometimes multiple times per day. This got so old that I just told him no because the more he tried the less I wanted it even though I already didn't want it. As time kept going he initiated less and less, and less until fast forward to today where he shows absolutely zero interest in me. We never do anything together anymore, he never initiates at all, and we have sex maybe 3 times per year and that is ALOT if we do. NEVER more than once per month though, and it's usually every 5-6 months. I have gotten to the point where I won't even advance to try and initiate because I know he will have an excuse like work, not in the mood, or tired. We had a talk about our sex life, or lack thereof a few months ago and he said he just doesn't feel a need for it anymore and if he gets horny he will just masturbate and get on with life. It hurts to feel so undesired by my husband and I really want our sex life to get back on track but have no idea what to do to get it there. I feel unattractive, unsexy, and feel like I am married to a roomate more than a husband but I love him and will not leave him. Please do not tell me to leave like I have seen on other threads, I want real advice to help me get that spark back in our life.


This is 100% on you.

Do your husband a favour and give him an easy divorce from you so he can find someone who actually loves him.

You clearly just love yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> @lostandhelpless,
> 
> I'm sorry that you're getting so beaten up instead of hearing how to fix your marriage. As @EleGirl points out, you and your husband need expert marriage counseling. I believe your marriage is salvageable.
> 
> ...


You know I respect you AP, but you're asking for a level of introspection and empathy where both are clearly absent.

Count the number of times she makes "I" statements in her OP (many). Count the number of times she accurately assesses her husband's emotional state (maybe one?).

She feels she's the victim. She blames her husband for her affair. She blames her husband for wanting to put the relationship on track when she was rejecting him (even after her affair). Now she blames him for the distance.

She needs a wake up call. Got any foam bats handy?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> i know he is seeing a therapist for his depression and he has been really stressed with work as well. other than our sex life we have been great. i know he has been dealing with a lot of stress and long hours at work to the point where he has had 3 emotional/mental break downs in the last 2 months which prompted him to see a therapist. he has voiced that he hates feeling how he does but he’s stuck and has no idea how to switch everything back. he told me before that he was going crazy when I would reject him and he had no other reason than to shut down his drive and focus on work.



Well now this certainly throws everything into a new light!

Your husband is clinically depressed after having had 3 countem THREE emotional breakdowns in the last two months and is seeing a therapist, and I would assume taking antidepressants...

And you want your sex life back?

Honey... When someone is going through emotional turmoil and is suffering emotional breakdowns and is depressed and takes antidepressants (meds that cause a big dampening of the libido) expecting a normal sex life is like expecting your baby to walk by 9 months of age. It's not unheard of for babies to walk that early, but it's pretty rare and shouldn't be expected.

So now, scrap all of my posts except for the first one. Your husband needs your support in a huge way right now. He is not in a position to offer support to you or to meet your needs.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Well now this certainly throws everything into a new light!
> 
> Your husband is clinically depressed after having had 3 countem THREE emotional breakdowns in the last two months and is seeing a therapist, and I would assume taking antidepressants...
> 
> ...


Gee, I wonder why he's in emotional turmoil?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i am, and i have finally gotten him to the point where he has accepted that fact. if he gave me what i had needed i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort he needed to give me. i love him and want this to work, but i wish he would just get over what happened, he is the only one holding us back.



Your self delusion is outstanding! You are in a marriage where you expect him to do all the emotional work. OP I say divorce him, I don't think you have the real introspection needed to have a healthy relationship.

Even in your post where you talk about how busy you are so you don't want to have to seduce him. Using your own rules your husband is within his rights to say "if she gave me what i had needed *(physical affection) *i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort she needed to give me". But he didn't he just lived with it and you were content, until now. Your sense of entitlement is really amazing. 

So you want what you want and you don't want to have to work or compromise for any of it, we get it. He is basically been responsible for your entire emotional relationship. I was going to say you are lucky to have him but honestly it would have been better FOR YOU if he had left you, at least you would have learned something and maybe did better the next time. This is the best example of how no consequences and rug sweeping works (or doesn't). 

Honestly I think you have the marriage you deserve. You both do. Reading how you think how could you have a marriage any different.

I wish he were on here so we could encourage him to move on and gain his agency back. He would stop having breakdowns.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> You know I respect you AP, but you're asking for a level of introspection and empathy where both are clearly absent.
> 
> Count the number of times she makes "I" statements in her OP (many). Count the number of times she accurately assesses her husband's emotional state (maybe one?).
> 
> ...


Yes, Marduk you and I can agree and disagree and it doesn't change the regard for one another. I like you even though you're always wrong. >

She's not totally wrong in blaming her H for her affair. She needed him and he remained emotionally absent. However, she did not seek exhaustive measures to get what she needed from him. So she is to blame for not cleaving to her husband and instead sought out attention from elsewhere. They share that blame.

I know most of the men on this thread will cough up a hair all about that because a BS is totally blameless in all situations...not true and I'm not going to argue that in this thread.

But you're right, she needs to make a decision if she is in or out because her marriage is going to take a HUGE amount of work for possibly a few years before it resembles what she hoped marriage might be.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

To put it in plain text that anyone can read/understand your relationship is like a dead body on a breathing machine in a hospital. The body/marriage is dead, done, finished, no chance of coming back, but you would rather watch the machine breath for the body so it looks like it’s breathing when it’s in fact not.

If he’s not strong enough to ask for a divorce do it for him so he can finally be happy. I would bet anything that once he is free from you he will do the following:

1.	His depression would most likely go away as it seems mostly brought on by you.
2.	He would have a sex drive again (it might take a while, but it would come back)
3.	He would be MUCH happier
4.	He would be able to find a woman that is not self-centered and a Wife to her Dad like you are.

I’m sorry, but #4 that I listed from what you said earlier just floors me. I cannot believe that you are doing “Wifely duties” for your Dad and pretty much ignoring your husband with all of these as well. Unreal, just absolutely unreal.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> Gee, I wonder why he's in emotional turmoil?


I've always felt that a person who willfully neglects their sex drive is ripe for emotional breakdown.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, Marduk you and I can agree and disagree and it doesn't change the regard for one another. I like you even though you're always wrong. >
> 
> She's not totally wrong in blaming her H for her affair. She needed him and he remained emotionally absent. However, she did not seek exhaustive measures to get what she needed from him. So she is to blame for not cleaving to her husband and instead sought out attention from elsewhere. They share that blame.
> 
> ...


Putting a comfy cushion in the victim chair isn't a long term solution. 

Standing up is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> I've always felt that a person who willfully neglects their sex drive is ripe for emotional breakdown.


Which he did to stay with her. 

Otherwise she wouldn't just be doting on some other guys, she'd be bouncing on them, too. 

He's tearing himself apart trying to stay with her. Because she doesn't deserve to be stayed with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

sokillme said:


> Your self delusion is outstanding! You are in a marriage where you expect him to do all the emotional work. OP I say divorce him, I don't think you have the real introspection needed to have a healthy relationship.
> 
> Even in your post where you talk about how busy you are so you don't want to have to seduce him. Using your own rules your husband is within his rights to say "if she gave me what i had needed *(physical affection) *i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort she needed to give me". But he didn't he just lived with it and you were content, until now. Your sense of entitlement is really amazing.
> 
> ...


Gets it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> Putting a comfy cushion in the victim chair isn't a long term solution.
> 
> Standing up is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not a comfy cushion, nice metaphor though. You're right, she does need to step up, big time. And possibly for a few years before he is fully healthy once again. During that time, she's going to have to get used to not feeling the love.

But after a few years, if he remains unable to fully participate in this marriage, it's time to buy the coffin.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, Marduk you and I can agree and disagree and it doesn't change the regard for one another. I like you even though you're always wrong. >
> 
> She's not totally wrong in blaming her H for her affair. She needed him and he remained emotionally absent. However, she did not seek exhaustive measures to get what she needed from him. So she is to blame for not cleaving to her husband and instead sought out attention from elsewhere. They share that blame.
> 
> ...


Here is the thing if she hadn't cheated I think most men or at least I would be on here telling her to tell him what she needs or leave him. I would have had all the empathy in the world. But once you cheat the all the other problems have to take a back seat. It's like having a long term disease and then getting cancer. You got to cure the cancer before you can fix the disease. 

There is no excuse for cheating, none. The only reason someone cheats is because that want to. There were so many other avenues for OP to go to but she chose to break the contract and go outside the marriage. That doesn't have to do anything to do with gender. 

Let me ask you a question, lets say we reversed the story and the only difference was that OP was a man and his wife hadn't had sex with him in a year. Would you be so quick to say they were both at fault? I say this because using that logic OP's husband should basically be given a pass to have an PA. I would think most here would not agree with this. 

Lets be real here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I've always felt that a person who willfully neglects their sex drive is ripe for emotional breakdown.


Yes OP's spouses problem is that he is too passive and should have left her long ago. I also think he really has no emotional support or empathy from his wife either. He is basically her emotional chauffeur. I feel bad for him but that is on him.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Again i will state that i know there has been damage on both sides, but it just seems the more i try the harder he pushes away. i do love him with all of my heart and want to make this better but he is just always so down and never wants to do anything with me. our anniversary just passed and all we did was exchanged cards and went out to dinner. he tells me he is tired and that is all. he has been working 90+ hours per week for a couple months and has been stressed about that, other personal life problems, medical issues, and of course us. i try to be there for him but he just shuts down as soon as he starts to open up. i think that many of you are right in your statements that i am better off without him. i kind of wonder if his depression is starting to take its toll on me, i’m already exhausted from work and helping my dad keep things together. 4 days per week i go over straight after work and am there doing house work, chores, shopping, etc for him until 9-10 at night. it takes a toll and i too am emotionally drained so he needs to start meeting me at the half way mark.

also, he is not on antidepressants currently so that is not effecting his libido, he simply does not want sex because he had shut down. i know his father had a history of bi-polar, depression, and anxiety. i would believe that this was inherited and unfortunately is now starting to show up, but as for the situation we are in and have been in causing it? i simply cannot believe that, being a factor to ADD to it? yes, but the sole reasoning behind it i do not see as being possible.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@sokillme,

Just to be clear, understanding what causes someone to cheat is not the same as excusing the behavior. I understand why you farted in this elevator, but there is no excuse for fouling the air when you could have waited a minute or two.

And yes, if OP was a man and his wife was freezing him out I would, and have MANY times over in SIM, tried to discover why his wife froze him out and also suggested her deliver an ultimatum. And if he later came back and said he'd had an EA I would still understand why he sought out attention he wasn't getting from his wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, Marduk you and I can agree and disagree and it doesn't change the regard for one another. I like you even though you're always wrong. >
> 
> She's not totally wrong in blaming her H for her affair. She needed him and he remained emotionally absent. However, she did not seek exhaustive measures to get what she needed from him. So she is to blame for not cleaving to her husband and instead sought out attention from elsewhere. They share that blame.
> 
> ...


spouses sometimes can and do share some amount of blame in the the causation of affairs, but each must own up to their measure of failings, and she doesn't. until she does, there's no hope.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> Honestly i think you are correct in your thinking. he has mentioned before about feeling like roommates and has even said before that “this is what you wanted isn’t it? for me to not want to initiate so i had no choice but to shut down and it’s not a switch i can simply flick and turn back on like a light bulb.


This isn't passive aggressive. He is informing you of the consequences of your previous behavior. He has shut down his sex drive in order to protect himself emotionally from a woman he could no longer trust. He is refusing to make himself vulnerable to you. 



lostandhelpless said:


> i know he is seeing a therapist for his depression and he has been really stressed with work as well. other than our sex life we have been great. i know he has been dealing with a lot of stress and long hours at work to the point where he has had 3 emotional/mental break downs in the last 2 months which prompted him to see a therapist. he has voiced that he hates feeling how he does but he’s stuck and has no idea how to switch everything back. he told me before that he was going crazy when I would reject him and he had no other reason than to shut down his drive and focus on work.


I totally understand the mental breakdowns. It is just another consequence of the status of this sham of a marriage.

Like Anon Pink previously suggested, if he is under a doctor's care for the emotional breakdowns and part of the regimen is anti-depressants, there is a good chance the medications have effectively neutered him. He won't have a libido at all on most of those meds. And you expecting him to is extremely insensitive and unrealistic.

My suggestion is that both of you get busy building a decent marriage or just end it. Intensive counseling for both of you, individually and together in marriage counseling. For an extended period of time. 

But if you are to have any hope, you are going to have to accept responsibility for your part in the state of your marriage. The resentment is real on both your parts and you both need to deal with that. He has a right to resent you and you have a right to resent him. This isn't all on your husband and if you continue to think that, you are simply delusional! 



jorgegene said:


> spouses sometimes can and do share some amount of blame in the the causation of affairs, but each must own up to their measure of failings, and she doesn't. until she does, there's no hope.


I totally agree with this!


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> spouses sometimes can and do share some amount of blame in the the causation of affairs, but each must own up to their measure of failings, and she doesn't. until she does, there's no hope.


so then i guess when i posted that It was stupid, i was young, wasn’t thinking, etc that’s not owning up?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

No, those are all excuses.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> It's not a comfy cushion, nice metaphor though. You're right, she does need to step up, big time. And possibly for a few years before he is fully healthy once again. During that time, she's going to have to get used to not feeling the love.
> 
> But after a few years, if he remains unable to fully participate in this marriage, it's time to buy the coffin.


Or she could rip the bandaid off and let the would heal in the air rather than festering in a dirty bandage.

Love is leaving if you realize you're the one holding the other person back and unable to grow. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> so then i guess when i posted that It was stupid, i was young, wasn’t thinking, etc that’s not owning up?


No dear it's not. Being young or being stupid are what we call excuses. 

Owing up looks like this: 

I hurt my husband horribly. I did something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I should have taken my needs to my husband, I should have tried harder to make things work with my husband, I should have been more patient and more understanding. I regret what I did and will carrying that guilt and regret for a very long time, possibly always.

Notice there is absolutely no mention of him not giving you what you needed. Owning up mean you fully and freely take ownership of what you did and the repercussions of what you did. Owning doesn't seek to mitigate the crime with excuses of being young, dumb, drunk...


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> No dear it's not. Being young or being stupid are what we call excuses.
> 
> Owing up looks like this:
> 
> ...


i have told him when we have brought the subject up about what i did that it was wrong, and i feel terrible every day about it, and that i will always feel horrible because of the pain i caused him. it seems that we will be okay for a couple of days or weeks following these talks and then he goes back to being down and depressed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> so then i guess when i posted that It was stupid, i was young, wasn’t thinking, etc that’s not owning up?


Depends. 

Are you willing to be smarter?

Are you willing to acknowledge that youth is no excuse?

Are you willing to acknowledge that when you say you weren't thinking, what you mean is that you were only thinking of yourself?

How would you react if you realized that this was all your own doing? What would you do differently?

You are emotionally damaging your husband because of your selfishness. 

Does that mean anything at all to you?

Or are you just going to talk more about your own needs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> i have told him when we have brought the subject up about what i did that it was wrong, and i feel terrible every day about it, and that i will always feel horrible because of the pain i caused him. it seems that we will be okay for a couple of days or weeks following these talks and then he goes back to being down and depressed.


This is because while words can help, actions heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

i guess i just feel like we are stuck since we talk about making things better and both of us initiating more but we just don’t do it. he told me what he needed to get better and i have neglected to acknowledge those needs. i will say in my defense though that i cannot just leave my father without food, a dirty house/dishes, etc, he has needs as well and he is not able to take care of himself or his house so i am ALWAYS mentally and physically exhausted which is why i have never really started initiating, plus my husband just never seems interested in me so it really kills the mood if there is one. it has been so bad that i will be in the mood but i simply don’t act and just let it pass for fear of the rejection.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> i guess i just feel like we are stuck since we talk about making things better and both of us initiating more but we just don’t do it. he told me what he needed to get better and i have neglected to acknowledge those needs. i will say in my defense though that i cannot just leave my father without food, a dirty house/dishes, etc, he has needs as well and he is not able to take care of himself or his house so i am ALWAYS mentally and physically exhausted which is why i have never really started initiating, plus my husband just never seems interested in me so it really kills the mood if there is one. it has been so bad that i will be in the mood but i simply don’t act and just let it pass for fear of the rejection.


All of which are fully on you.

Are you looking for a magic eraser for your own mistakes? Because there isn't one.

You're going to have to look within and do the work about what you find there, because it isn't going to be nice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> spouses sometimes can and do share some amount of blame in the the causation of affairs, but each must own up to their measure of failings, and she doesn't. until she does, there's no hope.


Nope, this is not like a person who is starving and steals to eat. The only one to blame for cheating is the one who did it. Again there are lots of other avenues to go besides cheating last of all is divorce. Was there shared blame for the problems in the relationship sure, but cheating is an action that is taken by one member of the relationship, not both. I contend unless you understand and accept this you will never really truly recover. When it comes down to it we are all responsible for our own actions, I don't feel bad for my wife's and she should feel the same for mine. I can feel bad if I hurt her and I will take responsibly for that, but her actions are on her. Self accountability is a key part of any healthy relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i am ALWAYS mentally and physically exhausted which is why i have never really started initiating, plus my husband just never seems interested in me so it really kills the mood if there is one. it has been so bad that i will be in the mood but i simply don’t act and just let it pass for fear of the rejection.


Add "and he went to someone else for love and support, and often tells me if I had just been more supportive none of this would have happened", and you begin to understand what you have done to him. Do you see why he is having mental breakdowns?

By the way I am not telling you this to guilt you I am telling you this so you can gain clarity.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Is he the one saying that his lack of affection for you directly caused your affair, or are you?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk





lostandhelpless said:


> i am, and i have finally gotten him to the point where he has accepted that fact. if he gave me what i had needed i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort he needed to give me. i love him and want this to work, but i wish he would just get over what happened, he is the only one holding us back.


:surprise::surprise::surprise:


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> i do love him with all of my heart and want to make this better but he is just always so down and never wants to do anything with me. our anniversary just passed and all we did was exchanged cards and went out to dinner. he tells me he is tired and that is all. he has been working 90+ hours per week for a couple months and has been stressed about that, other personal life problems, medical issues, and of course us.
> 
> i kind of wonder if his depression is starting to take its toll on me, i’m already exhausted from work and helping my dad keep things together. 4 days per week i go over straight after work and am there doing house work, chores, shopping, etc for him until 9-10 at night. it takes a toll and i too am emotionally drained so he needs to start meeting me at the half way mark.
> 
> also, he is not on antidepressants currently so that is not effecting his libido, he simply does not want sex because he had shut down. i know his father had a history of bi-polar, depression, and anxiety. i would believe that this was inherited and unfortunately is now starting to show up, but as for the situation we are in and have been in causing it? i simply cannot believe that, being a factor to ADD to it? yes, but the sole reasoning behind it i do not see as being possible.


He works 90+ hour weeks?

168 total hours in a week
minus 7hrs nightly sleep (should probably be 8) -> 49 hours
minus 13 hrs daily work -> 91 hours
____________________________________
leaves a grand total of 28 hours a week, or 4 hours per day for:

eating, ablutions/showering/dressing, commuting to/from work, medical appointments, running errands, staying in shape, managing finances, dealing with "personal life problems", communicating with friends & family...and "of course us" time--whether physical, emotional or just plain smalltalk and logistics.

And he's depressed, and not on meds...and you say he's tired, and so are you from caring for your father...and then there's all your history of resentments and fingerpointing.

Yikes. Who wouldn't be depressed? I can't understand how you'd have time to prioritize any aspect of your relationship under these conditions.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Phil Anders said:


> He works 90+ hour weeks?
> 
> 168 total hours in a week
> minus 7hrs nightly sleep (should probably be 8) -> 49 hours
> ...


yes he has been working 90+ hours per week and has worked up to 110 in a single week. this is a huge part of the reason we dont have time for each other. he had to stop working out and gained about 40lbs which i know he hates but he literally has no time to workout, and spends around 20-25 hours per week driving.

and i know that they have made him skip medical appointments due to being short staffed, he is currently trying to find another job but is finding it hard to make time for interviews with his work schedule getting in the way.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lostandhelpless,

What you describe is the effect of triggers, your H will see someone with OMs first or last name on TV and bang he feels the pain again.

A few questions.

Do you still work with the OM or in the same industry as the OM?

Has the OM spouse or GF been told?

How close does the OM live to your family?

Do you ever run into the OM?

Does your H drive past the OMs house on his way to work?

If any of those has occur it can be a massive trigger for your betrayed husband.

Tamat


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I'm going to acknowledge that your situation is painful for you. It sucks to be married to someone and not feel loved by that person.

There is clearly a massive deficit in your relationship that needs to be filled.

If there is going to be a true relationship, it cannot only be filled by one person.

You can only control what you contribute to filling that deficit. 

You cannot make your husband contribute. He may be encouraged to contribute by your contribution, but that is his choice.

Other people have pointed out how you have repeatedly failed your husband but you do not seem to really accept this. 

Here is a man who is very deeply depressed to the degree he is having breakdowns. Yet he cannot take any kind of break because he is working an insane schedule.

Do you think he is working only for himself? Or is he really doing this for both of you (and your children if you have them)?

Here is a man who did not leave you after he caught you betraying him. He did not leave you after you abandoned him physically.

Although he clearly has his own problems, he is still there with you. You see what he is not contributing to your marriage, but do you recognize what he actually has done to preserve your marriage to this point?

Can you consider that it may have taken tremendous strength to overlook your betrayal and his own depression and to keep working like a dog in the midst of all of this AND remain married to you?

Can you let this be your motivation to view him more compassionately and to turn your focus to your own failures?


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I'm not sure what to do about his 90+ hour and extra stress work schedule. That's a killer. But I know that it means he has 0 interest in working on your relationship for what he perceives as diminishing returns. Why spend the effort to work on it if you're not also making an effort. That's where his mind is.

That means if you want to fix this, you have to do it.

I've seen two different sets of excuses why you won't have sex with him.
"only after i felt that connection to him and our relationship was at that level again could i become intimate."
"I will say in my defense though that i cannot just leave my father without food, a dirty house/dishes, etc, he has needs as well and he is not able to take care of himself or his house so i am ALWAYS mentally and physically exhausted which is why i have never really started initiating, plus my husband just never seems interested in me so it really kills the mood if there is one. it has been so bad that i will be in the mood but i simply don’t act and just let it pass for fear of the rejection."

First, these are excuses. If you want to have sex with him, you're really not too tired. I know for a fact that a person is hardly every really too tired or exhausted to have sex. It's absolutely not ideal, but you can do it.
And you do not need to make a connection before having sex. You're married. You've had sex with him before. That's it. You probably need alcohol, not connection.

You're just afraid of rejection. I hear that. That's my hangup too. And I imagine there's a good chance he will reject you because he's got baggage.

Again, the answer is really really really simple.
Just have sex.

Unlike women, men really don't need much setting the mood, romance, or emotional intimacy to get it on. You literally just need to show up naked (or in something sexy.) Dead to the world drained, tired, bad mood, pissed at the world, and depressed, if my wife throws off her clothes and jumps on the bed, I'm suddenly good to go. I imagine most men are really that simple and from the sound of the way you describe yours (fondling you in the past) then he will too.

So here's a simple step by step solution.
1. Make a sex date. No strings attached. No conditions.
Send him a text that says "Please have sex with me tonight." It would help to add the enthusiasm of "I want you" or something even a little dirty "I want your ..." or "I want you to ...... me" Whatever. At least the statement of "please have sex" and really, how can any man say .... "um, no."?
2. Don't let it slide.
Really is he going to say "No"? Is he really going to? If he does push off commitment or say he's too busy or tired, then ask "OK, how about tomorrow night." Ask him to set the date otherwise. One way or another, don't let it drop. Don't end the conversation until a date and time is set. If he just stops texting, then keep hounding him until he answers. If he says no say "why not, I want you. Just have sex with me. Please."
3. Stick to the date.
Don't let excuses break the date.
4. Don't do it sober.
OK, everyone's different, but honestly if there is baggage, alcohol smooths it over and I know for most women, it helps them be in the mood. It also helps guys let loose and just go with it.
5. Don't work on the relationship.
Just sex. No relationship building. No fixing. No "I need this from you." Just don't talk about the problems.
You're DOING NOT TALKING. (actions, not words.)
Most of all, no conditions for sex. No agreeing to anything before sex.
Sex is not a reward for good behavior. It's just sex that you both want, remember?
6. After sex (and I hope it goes well) set up another sex date within 4 days. Do it again.
7. After about 5 purely sexual encounters then you can start working on "fixing" the relationship. Both of you devise a plan to continue having a sexual relationship at least once a week. Either a schedule, or some kind of "code signal."
For my wife and I it's "have a ****tail" or "have a margarita" if I don't outright want to ask her for sex that night.

Could it go wrong? Absolutely. Well then you know you have a sexless marriage. Maybe you'll get into a nasty fight, I don't know. But isn't better than what's going on? At least you'll know either way if it's going to get worse or not. At least you have something to work with.

Now he clearly has a time management issue so I don't know when you work in these sex dates. But I know if it were me, I'd make time. I'd spare a half hour of my precious sleep for sex as long as it wasn't some kind of 4-hour long date first.

I'll repeat this as I repeated to my wife. I'm never too tired or too busy to have sex. Never. Even though she may be, that isn't the case for me. It's extremely rare that I'm so exhausted that I just actually can't (get it up.)
Also if I'm in a bad mood, sex make me happy. It's oddly opposite for a lot of women where they have to be happy first, before they'll have sex which is terribly frustrating to us men sometimes when we can never seem to get our women happy long enough for them to be in the mood for ex.

I know you shift a lot of blame on him for the problems you have and yeah, it takes two to tango. But from where I sit, you're really the one who created this scenario and you've admitted it. He responded as many people would. You're lucky he stuck around, honestly.

Don't put conditions on sex. Just have sex once in a while.

You say he doesn't want to have sex with you and I'm having a hard time understanding exactly why. I can only imagine because he doesn't want to go through the effort when he probably doesn't feel totally wanted.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i think that many of you are right in your statements that i am better off without him.


I think most of us are saying he would be better off without you actually. No offense, I don't really feel like you are hearing what most of us are telling you. You seem to think this is mostly his fault and you are the victim in all this. Your not.

I think he works 90 hours because has checked out.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed. I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. *I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.*


JLD - are you trolling??

OP, read the article at this link, Six Things to Know About Sexual Refusal - The Forgiven Wife

Read how important a intimate connection is, then tell me it's hard to give someone depression!

Here is a little bit different view of wife seeing past her walls to her husband's. http://forgivenwife.com/the-other-side-of-the-wall/


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

lostandhelpless said:


> Explain to me how I am passive aggressive, seems to me as expected only the women understand where I am coming from......


Your problem is with your husband, right?

Your husband is a man, correct?

You want to fix this, correct?

You're here, asking for advice. Your husband is not. 

You could listen to the sisterhood, feel self righteous and change nothing because it's all his fault.

Or you could listen to those that understand your husband, make some changes and actually accomplish something.

The ball is in your court....


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> I'm not sure what to do about his 90+ hour and extra stress work schedule. That's a killer. But I know that it means he has 0 interest in working on your relationship for what he perceives as diminishing returns. Why spend the effort to work on it if you're not also making an effort. That's where his mind is.
> 
> That means if you want to fix this, you have to do it.
> 
> ...


thank you for the advice and honestly i have tried it with no success. he just shoots me down and says he is either not in the mood, tired, or has to work. Even last night, i got home a bit later than normal, took a shower, and jumped into bed naked next to him and started scratching his side like i know he likes. no response whatsoever and when i asked what was wrong, he just said he was tired.

i have tried several times up until 2 months ago and just gave up after that. i tried lingerie which he has told me he likes, being nude, etc. like i said in a previous post, if i even go to change or undress he will leave the bedroom if he is in there to give me privacy. he just shows ZERO interest in me when I am nude. he never even gropes me anymore, i realize this may be punishment because i never groped him ever, and he told me he likes it when i did, but i just never really thought to do it.

i guess i ruined the sex and any hope if it coming back by not responding to what he would tell me he wanted to feel desired. i would promise i would make changes but i have been so busy with my dad when i am home i just want to sit and relax.

he has told me on several occasions that he feels undesired and doesn’t want to deal with trying to fire up his sex drive only to have to shut it down again due to lack of sex.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

it's unrealistic to expect that you could unravel 6 years' worth of resentment with a few come-ons

if you really want to resolve things, a good first step would be to acknowledge that you understand the pain your husband feels. this would of course require you to deeply reflect on what he has been through and empathize with that.

it's not easy to own up to your own failures so you certainly would not be unusual if you're not able to do that.

based on what you've posted here, it seems you have not really performed this crucial step.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

How about trying this.
Get in bed and cuddle with him for a half hour. Tell him you're sorry and that you love him.
Do this every day for a week, with no expectation for sex.
If he asks you why you're sorry tell him "for everything that I messed up, I just want to be close to you."

(real) Love covers a multitude of errors.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

we have had discussions where i would literally be in tears because i really do feel so bad about what i did to him. i have tried cuddling up with him, telling him i am so sorry, and that i think about what i did to him every day and it makes me feel like a horrible person. like i said before, we are okay for a day or 2 after these talks but after that its back to this. after a shower i will usually walk around the house nude to try and get his attention but he just does not seem interested at all. i'll go as far as to come up to him and put them in his face and the most i'll get is "i like your boobs", maybe a quick peck on the lips, then he's back to whatever he was doing.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> we have had discussions where i would literally be in tears because i really do feel so bad about what i did to him. i have tried cuddling up with him, telling him i am so sorry, and that i think about what i did to him every day and it makes me feel like a horrible person. like i said before, we are okay for a day or 2 after these talks but after that its back to this. after a shower i will usually walk around the house nude to try and get his attention but he just does not seem interested at all. i'll go as far as to come up to him and put them in his face and the most i'll get is "i like your boobs", maybe a quick peck on the lips, then he's back to whatever he was doing.




Can you explain what kind of job your husband has that requires so much from him?

You have said he has told what he needed from you to feel loved and or desired, and then you've stated that it's hard for you to do those things because you have to take care of your father. Can you list the things he has said he needed from you and indicate which one you can do and are comfortable doing, which ones you are uncomfortable doing, and which ones you don't seem to have the time or energy to do?

Unfortunately, you're kind of trickling out the pertinent information and so you're getting suggestions that won't work.

Your H has said he doesn't want to work to bring his sex drive back because he can't risk having to shove it down again when you begin refusing him again. Has this been a pattern in the past? You want sex for a while and then you don't want any sex for a while? Or is her referring to that time period during and after your EA? 

How long was that time period, after your EA, in which you H initiated sex and you rejected? A couple of months, a year, more than a year?

How long ago did you get your sex drive back for him? What made your emotional connection reform so that you desired sex? How did your connection reform to desiring sex when your husband has already shut down and distanced himself from you?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Can you explain what kind of job your husband has that requires so much from him?


he works in IT, i don’t know what he does exactly but i think he designs the networks for companies that hire his company and he is only 1 of 2 left that do that which is why he has to work so much. the other guy has been there for a long time so he gets his time off approved first and it always trumps my husband’s time because he then has to fill in for the other guy.



Anon Pink said:


> You have said he has told what he needed from you to feel loved and or desired, and then you've stated that it's hard for you to do those things because you have to take care of your father. Can you list the things he has said he needed from you and indicate which one you can do and are comfortable doing, which ones you are uncomfortable doing, and which ones you don't seem to have the time or energy to do?


he said that he wanted me to be more physical and basically to make him feel desired. he wants me to just come up and grope him, or initiate with him. things i used to do but have no desire anymore due to my hectic schedule, and the fact that he always seems grumpy around me. i don’t really want to do anything with someone i feel is grumpy towards me.

my father needs me more than ever right now and i have to be there for him and to help him with things around the house since he is not capable to do everything or go grocery shopping, taking out the trash, etc, etc. i guess i feel kind of like my H does not support me with my father as well which may have caused some resentment.

Instead he spends the little bit of time he has off, on the couch, or working on things around the house which is fine, but even when i ask him to do something as little as helping move a couch for my dad he says he is to tired and just wants to rest. i think this has built up resentment towards him.



Anon Pink said:


> Your H has said he doesn't want to work to bring his sex drive back because he can't risk having to shove it down again when you begin refusing him again. Has this been a pattern in the past? You want sex for a while and then you don't want any sex for a while? Or is her referring to that time period during and after your EA?


sorry, I’ll elaborate . Whenever we would have sex it would be absolutely great, we both agree to that, but we would have sex, be great for a few days, then life would take over and it would be MONTHS, i mean 4-6 months before we would have the time or energy to have sex or even be intimate with each other. We don’t even have time for date nights anymore between his work and my dad.



Anon Pink said:


> How long was that time period, after your EA, in which you H initiated sex and you rejected? A couple of months, a year, more than a year?


he started initiating maybe 2 weeks after he caught me, my issue where i really messed up is i kept in contact with the co-worker because i saw him as a friend and not a threat. i saw my H being unreasonable and controlling which i now know is not the case. he was trying to protect his marriage and i was naïve and decided to still run to this other man for emotional support. i just needed time to get back to the stage in our relationship where i felt we could be intimate, but by that time he had all but started shutting down.



Anon Pink said:


> How long ago did you get your sex drive back for him? What made your emotional connection reform so that you desired sex? How did your connection reform to desiring sex when your husband has already shut down and distanced himself from you?


i have had my drive back for about a year but i simply ignore it and the urges/desires go away. i just don’t want to put any effort forth when i myself feel unattractive to my H. my self esteem is horrible, i am always down on myself, and i am VERY hard on myself.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Is he willing to go to a sex therapist with you?

Is he willing to do MC?

If not, then you may be at the point where you need to destabilize the relationship.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tron said:


> Is he willing to go to a sex therapist with you?
> 
> Is he willing to do MC?
> 
> If not, then you may be at the point where you need to destabilize the relationship.


we have actually been to a marriage counselor if that's what MC is. she was not very good and literally told him to get over it and just not talk about it. he will not go back due to that experience.

he has mentioned before that i have helped him view sex as something that is not needed but only a benefit/luxury of marriage and that there are plenty of people out there without sex in their marriage and they are fine. in our discussions he has also said that he is just uncomfortable coming to me for sex as he views me as a roomate/friend/sister. he is actually the point where he is uncomfortable touching my panties and seems rather grossed out by them, but will still touch my bras. i just get the feeling he has completely shut down past the point of repair and it quite honestly scares the hell out of me and makes me feel horrible that i did this to him. i will point out that i am in good shape, very clean, and take pride in my appearance.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Good Lawd! Will you try and seduce the man already!? Throw it on him. If he rejects you just be affectionate and try, try and try. 

Stop making excuses and put your big girl panties on (or take them off, rather) 
Hop to it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

jarhed said:


> Good Lawd! Will you try and seduce the man already!? Throw it on him. If he rejects you just be affectionate and try, try and try.
> 
> Stop making excuses and put your big girl panties on (or take them off, rather)
> Hop to it.
> ...


apparently you cant read. i have tried seducing him with lingerie, talking dirty to him, even coming to bed naked with him at night, sliding into bed while he's half asleep in the morning, and even coming up to him in the full nude and putting my breasts in his face. i get zero response, or "i like your boobs" at the most.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Insist on seeing a licensed sex therapist. If he refuses, you know he enjoys the power trip of turning you down more than he expects to enjoy the sex you are offering. At that point, if he doesn't want to reverse that preference, not much you can do except stay sexless or leave.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Insist on seeing a licensed sex therapist. If he refuses, you know he enjoys the power trip of turning you down more than he expects to enjoy the sex you are offering. At that point, if he doesn't want to reverse that preference, not much you can do except stay sexless or leave.


i would hope its more to the point that he truly just doesnt want to have sex in general and that its not that he is trying to torture me...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> he works in IT, *i don’t know what he does exactly* but i think he designs the networks for companies that hire his company and he is only 1 of 2 left that do that which is why he has to work so much. the other guy has been there for a long time so he gets his time off approved first and it always trumps my husband’s time because he then has to fill in for the other guy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Stunning.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> he works in IT, i don’t know what he does exactly but i think he designs the networks for companies that hire his company and he is only 1 of 2 left that do that which is why he has to work so much. the other guy has been there for a long time so he gets his time off approved first and it always trumps my husband’s time because he then has to fill in for the other guy.


this situation is a major obstacle obviously. You need to be realistic that your husband has limited resources to devote to tending to your issues right now. 

Your focus should be on giving to him rather than expecting from him right now. If you are able to build a more solid emotional bond with him, then you might raise the issue of him transitioning to a less demanding line of work. 

If you raise this issue now it will probably only create further conflict because he does not trust you.



lostandhelpless said:


> he said that he wanted me to be more physical and basically to make him feel desired. he wants me to just come up and grope him, or initiate with him. things i used to do but have no desire anymore due to my hectic schedule, and the fact that he always seems grumpy around me. i don’t really want to do anything with someone i feel is grumpy towards me..


OK, so he expressed what he needs from you, but you can't deliver. So why are you surprised that he's not interested in you?

The thing is, the two of you actually have a lot in common right now. Each of you feels ignored and abandoned.

Instead of allowing that feeling to cause you to withdraw further, why not let it motivate you to try harder to relieve his suffering?

Meet his need in the way he expressed it to you. If you can't do this, then you should have zero expectation that he would do the same for you.



lostandhelpless said:


> my father needs me more than ever right now and i have to be there for him and to help him with things around the house since he is not capable to do everything or go grocery shopping, taking out the trash, etc, etc. i guess i feel kind of like my H does not support me with my father as well which may have caused some resentment.


you're doing the right thing for your father, but you need to drop the expectation that your husband needs to rescue you from this. he's YOUR father. and your marriage is basically non-existent. 

you don't have a functioning relationship with your husband. would you expect an acquaintance to help you with your father? because that is basically what you and your husband are to each other at this point.

you need a solid emotional bond with each other before you can realistically expect to rely on one another for things like this.



lostandhelpless said:


> Instead he spends the little bit of time he has off, on the couch, or working on things around the house which is fine, but even when i ask him to do something as little as helping move a couch for my dad he says he is to tired and just wants to rest. i think this has built up resentment towards him..


see above.




lostandhelpless said:


> sorry, I’ll elaborate . Whenever we would have sex it would be absolutely great, we both agree to that, but we would have sex, be great for a few days, then life would take over and it would be MONTHS, i mean 4-6 months before we would have the time or energy to have sex or even be intimate with each other. We don’t even have time for date nights anymore between his work and my dad...


OK, so you had 6 month gaps between sex and you are surprised he doesn't want to resurrect that zombie?

This is a MAJOR, LONG TERM project to revive this relationship. You are down in a deep hole and you will need to methodically climb out.

You should not expect him to jump to be with you after this history. You need to re-establish the trust that was completely demolished. 

Trust is earned.



lostandhelpless said:


> he started initiating maybe 2 weeks after he caught me, my issue where i really messed up is i kept in contact with the co-worker because i saw him as a friend and not a threat. i saw my H being unreasonable and controlling which i now know is not the case. he was trying to protect his marriage and i was naïve and decided to still run to this other man for emotional support. i just needed time to get back to the stage in our relationship where i felt we could be intimate, but by that time he had all but started shutting down....


Wow, so he gave you another chance after you cheated on him but you continued to go behind his back.

See above about trust being earned.

Have you honestly ever laid out all of the ways you have damaged your relationship and individually taken responsibility for them?

Have you made a credible promise that you intend to change your ways and followed up on that?

If not, you have not moved an inch forward in these past 6 years.





lostandhelpless said:


> i have had my drive back for about a year but i simply ignore it and the urges/desires go away. i just don’t want to put any effort forth when i myself feel unattractive to my H. my self esteem is horrible, i am always down on myself, and i am VERY hard on myself.


Re-read the above statement. It's all about you. You got your desire back, so now it's a problem.

Was it a problem during the prior 5 years when he wanted you but you weren't interested?

You don't want to put in the effort. Why should he?

Quite frankly, I can't see how this relationship could recover if you are this out of touch.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Since you guys are so limited on schedule cornering him for sex might be the only option you've got to get this started again. The effort is going to have to start with you. Be prepared for some stubborn rejection and just roll with it.

This might sound crude, but tonight when he jumps in the shower, get in with him, talk dirty, get on your knees and blow him. If it works, try it again tomorrow...and the next day, etc. Just a suggestion.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tron said:


> Since you guys are so limited on schedule cornering him for sex might be the only option you've got to get this started again. The effort is going to have to start with you. Be prepared for some stubborn rejection and just roll with it.
> 
> This might sound crude, but tonight when he jumps in the shower, get in with him, talk dirty, get on your knees and blow him. If it works, try it again tomorrow...and the next day, etc. Just a suggestion.


i have tried getting in and taking showers with him. that is really fun but he doesnt even get aroused when i am in there with him. blowjobs are a foreplay only item, this is something we agreed on when we were first married. the act is kind of degrading and gross in my opinion which is why its restricted to a few minutes of foreplay.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So, two things. You sure he is not having an affair? Working long hours, not even wanting you when you are really working for it? Something may be up. It may be that he did check out but also moved on. 

If you are certain that that is not the case then maybe you need to build up his ego. He may just feel really insecure because of the rejection.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> i have tried getting in and taking showers with him. that is really fun but he doesnt even get aroused when i am in there with him. blowjobs are a foreplay only item, this is something we agreed on when we were first married. the act is kind of degrading and gross in my opinion which is why its restricted to a few minutes of foreplay.


serious question:

what do you think the upside to your relationship is for your husband?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, you have received good analysis and advice.

The only thing you have responded positively to is someone giving you sympathy eg. enabling you to be the victim in this situation.

I don't see this turning out well for you.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> we have actually been to a marriage counselor if that's what MC is. she was not very good and literally told him to get over it and just not talk about it. he will not go back due to that experience.
> 
> he has mentioned before that i have helped him view sex as something that is not needed but only a benefit/luxury of marriage and that there are plenty of people out there without sex in their marriage and they are fine. in our discussions he has also said that he is just uncomfortable coming to me for sex as he views me as a roomate/friend/sister. he is actually the point where he is uncomfortable touching my panties and seems rather grossed out by them, but will still touch my bras. i just get the feeling he has completely shut down past the point of repair and it quite honestly scares the hell out of me and makes me feel horrible that i did this to him. i will point out that i am in good shape, very clean, and take pride in my appearance.



[email protected] it's a wonder this guy is still alive. You should have cut his balls off and be done with it. OP maybe you should read some books about men, I don't think you understand us at all.

Poor guy.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> he said that he wanted me to be more physical and basically to make him feel desired. he wants me to just come up and grope him, or initiate with him. things i used to do but have no desire anymore due to my hectic schedule, and the fact that he always seems grumpy around me. i don’t really want to do anything with someone i feel is grumpy towards me.


Heck with your desire because your grumpy husband is hurting your feelers. 

Grope him. Next time you are able to have a close moment on the couch or in bed...don't say anything, just start working your hands towards his d!ck! Tease him through his clothes. And then once he is receptive, yank his pants off and go down on him. 

You'll probably be rejected a few (or more) times, and over a period of time. Deal with it gracefully. Tell him you understand, know you have really screwed up, taken him for granted, but you are going to keep trying to show him you've changed, want him and only him, and are willing to do whatever it takes. 

And next time hr initiates with you, just do it! If you can get him back to that point. 

You've emotionally abused him for an extended period of time. It is going to take him a long time to trust your intentions, desire, and want to make things better before he even begins to see you as a safe, desireable, and willing partner. 

And keep trying. He probably needs to see you NOT be selfish for once, and prove yourself to him over a period of time before he'll be receptive. 

Or you can just divorce if you don't feel like putting in the effort and dealing with the work and rejection. 

You want a quick fix that will turn that switch back on in his head, and still save your feelings. There isn't one. You can turn his trust and desire off like a light switch when you cheated on him and continued to reject him, but getting that switch turned back on is more like slowly moving dimmer switch. It will take time and effort. 

You think because he's a man you should be able to throw yourself at him and he'll get an instant hard on and just need to jump your bones. Wrong. Many men also need to feel the emotional connection and trust.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> i would hope its more to the point that he truly just doesnt want to have sex in general and that its not that he is trying to torture me...


Sorry, but I doubt that is the case. he wants sex, just not with you. Because you have trained him that wanting sex with you leads to pain and rejection. So he won't allow himself to want sex with you.

Look, I AM your husband. Rejected for years. And now I refuse to have sex with my wife. I want sex. But not enough to allow myself to be vulnerable to her. I would bet any amount that this is exactly where he finds himself.

Be honest. You tortured him for years. You rejected him. Cheated on him. Rejected him some more after he found out about the cheating. And kept in contact with the OM after your H knew about it. Which part of that do you think was not torture for your H? So at this point, he would have to be a saint to not feel entitled to return the favor now that you have given him the opportunity to have some power over you.

I like the idea of just grabbing his **** and making him push you away, but if he is as stubborn and spiteful and self-hating as I am, he may well push your hand away. In addition to literally taking his matters into your own hand, I think you need to tell him something like the following:

H, I admit I treated you like crap for a long time. I understand that you don't trust me and you won't allow yourself to open up and be vulnerable with me. I understand I need to earn your trust back. I am willing to do that. I am willing to reach out to you. To be the one to initiate and risk being shot down. To be available to you when I am not in the mood. I owe you that and I will do that. But maybe it is too late for that. Maybe you cannot find it in your heart to forgive me. Maybe your heart is closed to me and all you want to do is punish me for all the pain I caused you in the past. Understandable that you might feel that way. But that is no way for either of us to live. If that is what you want, I will respect your choice. But that means we need to divorce. Because both of us deserve better than to spend the rest of our lives devising new ways to torture one another. You are free to choose which fork in the path we take. More togetherness or make a break. But we can't keep doing what we are doing. It is killing both of us.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Tron said:


> Since you guys are so limited on schedule cornering him for sex might be the only option you've got to get this started again. The effort is going to have to start with you. Be prepared for some stubborn rejection and just roll with it.
> 
> This might sound crude, but tonight when he jumps in the shower, get in with him, talk dirty, get on your knees and blow him. If it works, try it again tomorrow...and the next day, etc. Just a suggestion.


Don't even suggest it. She got nasty with me making more or less the same suggestion. I think his mental block against sex might be the fact that she blames him or has made a multitude of excuses for her cheating on HIM. 

Until she owns this and makes a HEARTFELT APOLOGY (not convincing him that he was the catalyst that made her cheat) I don't think he will come around.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Holdingontoit said:


> Sorry, but I doubt that is the case. he wants sex, just not with you. Because you have trained him that wanting sex with you leads to pain and rejection. So he won't allow himself to want sex with you.
> 
> Look, I AM your husband. Rejected for years. And now I refuse to have sex with my wife. I want sex. But not enough to allow myself to be vulnerable to her. I would bet any amount that this is exactly where he finds himself.
> 
> ...


Add to that some serious hang ups about sex, and needing to be supported while she supports someone else.

OP needs to go live in the real world. By herself. And let him find someone who will actually love him, not emotionally abuse him, cheat on him, and without the hang ups.

And maybe he won't have to work 90 hours a week to support her while she directs all her efforts to her father or feeling sorry for herself. With a guy on the side just for kicks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> he works in IT, i don’t know what he does exactly but i think he designs the networks for companies that hire his company and he is only 1 of 2 left that do that which is why he has to work so much. the other guy has been there for a long time so he gets his time off approved first and it always trumps my husband’s time because he then has to fill in for the other guy.


What are the chances that he can scale back his hours to something less like an indentured servant? If what you say is true, your husband must out his foot down if he wants to save this marriage.





> he said that he wanted me to be more physical and basically to make him feel desired. he wants me to just come up and grope him, or initiate with him. things i *used to do but have no desire anymore* due to my hectic schedule, and the fact that he always seems grumpy around me. i don’t really want to do anything with someone i feel is grumpy towards me.



I just need to point out that I asked you what your husband needed from you and you answered with "grope him" and initiate more often. All the rest are excuses on why you do NOT do the things he has requested of you so that he feels loved and desired. 

I want you t really take a look at the above paragraph your wrote and the one below. They are all excuses for why you do not give him what he has asked from you. Doesn't matter if they are true or not true. You want him to show you he loves you, he wants you to show him you love him. Neither of you are giving the other any of what you each need? Do you see that?



> my father needs me more than ever right now and i have to be there for him and to help him with things around the house since he is not capable to do everything or go grocery shopping, taking out the trash, etc, etc. i guess i feel kind of like my H does not support me with my father as well which may have caused some resentment.


I know way more than I wish to know about the emotional toll of caregiving. I get it, I really really get it. I get that after spending time caring for someone too sick to care for themselves, you feel drained, empty and sometimes even defeated and terribly sad. I totally get it.

How does your H feel when he has spen 14 hours working IT solutions under pressure of a timeline with irate people breathing down his back, a boss watching the clock and tapping his foot impatiently? Drained? Emotionally zapped from the frustration and anxiety? Defeated when things take longer than anticipated? 

Both you and your husband are coming home drained and empty and both you and your husband are expecting to be nourished and nurtured back to full strength, hopefully by feeling the love from the other. But that doesn't ever happen.





> Instead he spends the little bit of time he has off, on the couch, or working on things around the house which is fine, but even when i ask him to do something as little as helping move a couch for my dad he says he is to tired and just wants to rest. i think this has built up resentment towards him.


I totally get this too! In our early years my H worked 12 hours a day 6 days a week and his one day off was sleeping and vegging on the couch. It created HUGE problems that lasted for a long time, even after he left that job.

Until he can put a stop to the completely unreasonable work hours, his precious few hours off, awake and at home, need to be restorative. He NEEDS to recharge and helping to move the couch is not a recharge. Fun is a recharge. Laughter is a recharge. Sleep is a recharge. Can you help him find those things? If you do this can he come to see you as his solace and not as yet another list of things to accomplish? If he can do that, can he also come to see that his work hours are untenable. They simply cannot continue.




> sorry, I’ll elaborate . Whenever we would have sex it would be absolutely great, we both agree to that, but we would have sex, be great for a few days, then life would take over and it would be MONTHS, i mean 4-6 months before we would have the time or energy to have sex or even be intimate with each other. We don’t even have time for date nights anymore between his work and my dad.


Okay so sex, when it happens is great but it takes too much effort on both your parts to have sex regularly. I return to what I said above, his work hours cannot continue. Your avoidance of giving him the love that he needs does not endear you to him. If you gave to him what he has asked for, he will probably be more motivated to cut those work hours to something resembling OSHA standards because those kinds of work hours are indeed hazardous to everyone else on the road as he travels to and from work!





> he started initiating maybe 2 weeks after he caught me, my issue where i really messed up is i kept in contact with the co-worker because i saw him as a friend and not a threat. i saw my H being unreasonable and controlling which i now know is not the case. he was trying to protect his marriage and i was naïve and decided to still run to this other man for emotional support. i just needed time to get back to the stage in our relationship where i felt we could be intimate, but by that time he had all but started shutting down.


Okay yikes, yeah that was bad, really really bad. Of course he was shutting down, his wife was being consoled in the arms of another man!!!! What would you have done if the situations had been reversed? 

Your H needed to reaffirm the bond you two had. I have experienced something similar to hysterical bonding and if what I felt was what your husband felt, your rejection, no matter the reason, hurt 3 times more than any other rejection ever. And to tops it off, you were rejecting him while seeking support from the other man. Of course he shut down.





> i have had my drive back for about a year but i simply ignore it and the urges/desires go away. i just don’t want to put any effort forth when i myself feel unattractive to my H. my self esteem is horrible, i am always down on myself, and i am VERY hard on myself.



You're not unattractive to your H. He is actively shutting you out because he is trying to save his sanity. To be honest, I can't for the life of me understand why he remains married to you because I don't see what either of you are getting out of this marriage.

When you do feel the drive for sex, your going to have to initiate and you're going to have to be a lot more creative, cunning, and merciless in capturing his attention.

Respond to all the things I've said in this post and I will provide you with several ways to get him awake and ready for sex.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> Sorry, but I doubt that is the case. he wants sex, just not with you. Because you have trained him that wanting sex with you leads to pain and rejection. So he won't allow himself to want sex with you.
> 
> Look, I AM your husband. Rejected for years. And now I refuse to have sex with my wife. I want sex. But not enough to allow myself to be vulnerable to her. I would bet any amount that this is exactly where he finds himself.
> 
> ...


OP-- this is the real deal. You should really consider this if you actually want to solve the problem.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

The more I read all of this, the more I think he will never get over it and this marriage is done. 

We've heard nary a word about him, other than what he has done to:

Make her cheat. 

Make her feel undesired. 

Make her feel not close to him. 

How depressed he is..

How grumpy he is.

How much he works. 

This level of self centeredness and entitlement by a person would be almost impossible to accept and deal with if she DIDN'T cheat on you. Toss in the cheating, and lack of clear (or even any) understanding and empathy for what pain she caused him, and it feels not only impossible to reconcile, but actually unfathomable. 

She has empathy and understanding for her own, and her fathers plights, but none for her husband. 

Fug. Guy busts his azz for over 80 hours a week and this is what he comes home to. A woman who cheated, rejected him continually over an extended period of time, and still manages to make it about herself and her butt hurt. But because now SHE is ready for closeness and sex, all is forgiven? Except when he rejects her...

If she hasn't gotten it by now, she likely won't ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Actually, with all due respect to Holdingontoit, if his Character closely resembles Mr Lost, then they absolutely must divorce. I do not agree with what Holdingontoit is doing with his life. I find it defeatist, demeaning, and petty, which is why I've stayed out of his thread. But as an adult, he is free to make his own decisions. I step in where I see advocating for more dysfunction from others.

Cut bait and get out, or slap a smile on your face and pretend funerals are fun.


Edited to add: I misread @Holdingontoit 's posts, he is not advocating dysfunction and is intact warning against it. Apologies to Holdingontoit.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I have a hard time believing he's going totally without sex. 

I know a lot of people who would be considered workaholics, myself included. I have periods when I work from 8AM to 11PM 6 days a week and 9AM to 8PM Sunday. That's a lot of hours and only really sustainable for 8 or 9 weeks in a row. After that even the most dedicated are completely exhausted.

Frankly, I'd be shocked if he wasn't cheating. You shut him down so he found an outlet. Your actions showed him that it was ok/justified since you weren't meeting his needs and didn't seem to care about him or sex. He tells you he's working massive hours, but you don't really even have a clue what he does.

Check your bank account for random cash withdrawals.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Actually, with all due respect to Holdingontoit, if his Character closely resembles Mr Lost, then they absolutely must divorce. I do not agree with what Holdingontoit is doing with his life. I find it defeatist, demeaning, and petty, which is why I've stayed out of his thread. But as an adult, he is free to make his own decisions. I step in where I see advocating for more dysfunction from others.
> 
> Cut bait and get out, or slap a smile on your face and pretend funerals are fun.


in fairness to Holdingontoit, I'm sure he would be the first to admit you're right about his case. 

He also seems to be offering OP an honest perspective about what a beaten down guy might require to re-engage.

I don't think he advocates that anybody should follow his approach.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> in fairness to Holdingontoit, I'm sure he would be the first to admit you're right about his case.
> 
> He also seems to be offering OP an honest perspective about what a beaten down guy might require to re-engage.
> 
> I don't think he advocates that anybody should follow his approach.


Kinda...

What he is doing is demonstrating to the OP how her husband feels, that in itself is peachy fine. What isn't peachy fine is presenting the behavior of avoidance and self defeatist mutual distruction as ...normal. 

And it's not. 

If someone, particularly as young as Mr and Mrs Lost, is in total avoidance, defeatist, and passive aggressively sabotages the relationship attempts to repair, they need to be indentified as an aberration to healthy choice making. The spouse trying to fix it needs to see his or her attempts will fail because the other spouse actively wishes to deliver a taste of their own medicine and punishment. And if that's what's happening, this is not a character worthy of expending your youth.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Kinda...
> 
> What he is doing is demonstrating to the OP how her husband feels, that in itself is peachy fine. What isn't peachy fine is presenting the behavior of avoidance and self defeatist mutual distruction as ...normal.
> 
> ...


Is this not exactly what the OP is doing?

With a side order of poor me?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> Is this not exactly what the OP is doing?
> 
> With a side order of poor me?


It seems like it. But it's hard to say for sure because the kind of work hours he is putting in would exhaust anyone. This combined with unresolved issues would make his sex avoidance less nefarious and more unfortunate.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> It seems like it. But it's hard to say for sure because the kind of work hours he is putting in would exhaust anyone. This combined with unresolved issues would make his sex avoidance less nefarious and more unfortunate.


I think he's happy to hide at work and not face the music at home.

I mean, who would want to come home to that marriage?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> What are the chances that he can scale back his hours to something less like an indentured servant? If what you say is true, your husband must out his foot down if he wants to save this marriage.


He is slowly starting up his own business but with the hours he works it’s very hard for him to do that. He actually sent me a text earlier saying he got a call and has to travel to another office which is about 2.5 hours away from home, and then won’t be home until around 2am, only to go back to his other office tomorrow by 8am which is about 1.5 hours away. Let me point out that I know for a fact he is working and not cheating because I have put pen recorders in his car, and also put a gps unit in his car.



Anon Pink said:


> I just need to point out that I asked you what your husband needed from you and you answered with "grope him" and initiate more often. All the rest are excuses on why you do NOT do the things he has requested of you so that he feels loved and desired.
> 
> I want you t really take a look at the above paragraph your wrote and the one below. They are all excuses for why you do not give him what he has asked from you. Doesn't matter if they are true or not true. You want him to show you he loves you, he wants you to show him you love him. Neither of you are giving the other any of what you each need? Do you see that?


Yes, I see that I do nothing to help the situation and only make it worse by my actions, or lack thereof.



Anon Pink said:


> I know way more than I wish to know about the emotional toll of caregiving. I get it, I really really get it. I get that after spending time caring for someone too sick to care for themselves, you feel drained, empty and sometimes even defeated and terribly sad. I totally get it.
> 
> How does your H feel when he has spen 14 hours working IT solutions under pressure of a timeline with irate people breathing down his back, a boss watching the clock and tapping his foot impatiently? Drained? Emotionally zapped from the frustration and anxiety? Defeated when things take longer than anticipated?
> 
> Both you and your husband are coming home drained and empty and both you and your husband are expecting to be nourished and nurtured back to full strength, hopefully by feeling the love from the other. But that doesn't ever happen.


He usually works from 8am to around 10-11 at night, even when he comes home. He has even told me that unless he is working he doesn’t know how to function. I try to help him by telling him how much I love him, ask him about his day, and ask if I can help him in any way, I’ll make dinner, talk, but it just doesn’t seem to help.



Anon Pink said:


> Okay yikes, yeah that was bad, really really bad. Of course he was shutting down, his wife was being consoled in the arms of another man!!!! What would you have done if the situations had been reversed?


I would have done the same thing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> He is slowly starting up his own business but with the hours he works it’s very hard for him to do that. He actually sent me a text earlier saying he got a call and has to travel to another office which is about 2.5 hours away from home, and then won’t be home until around 2am, only to go back to his other office tomorrow by 8am which is about 1.5 hours away. Let me point out that I know for a fact he is working and not cheating because *I have put pen recorders in his car, and also put a gps unit in his car.*


Waitaiminute...

You cheated on him even after he busted you... And your response is to VAR him?





> Yes, I see that I do nothing to help the situation and only make it worse by my actions, or lack thereof.


And... Nothing? The end? That's OK for you?





> He usually works from 8am to around 10-11 at night, even when he comes home. He has even told me that unless he is working he doesn’t know how to function. I try to help him by telling him how much I love him, ask him about his day, and ask if I can help him in any way, I’ll make dinner, talk, but it just doesn’t seem to help.


Why would any of that help?





> I would have done the same thing.


*Sigh*


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I have a hard time believing he's going totally without sex.
> 
> I know a lot of people who would be considered workaholics, myself included. I have periods when I work from 8AM to 11PM 6 days a week and 9AM to 8PM Sunday. That's a lot of hours and only really sustainable for 8 or 9 weeks in a row. After that even the most dedicated are completely exhausted.
> 
> ...


he is and our bank account has basically no withdrawals except for lunch when he's gone, dinner on late nights, and utilities. he doesnt have time to spend money on other things. he has told me many times that he is confident that women are all like this and that this is a normal marriage. he gets this view from his parents, grandparents, and my parents when my mom was alive. his last 2 girlfriends he had left him for "friends" not that they would be called friends in my book, and now this. so i'm pretty sure he feels worthless to himself which i hate myself for causing him to feel even more.

he has gotten to the point where he doesnt even like women, they tend to annoy him very badly and he has said that if he didnt have me he would just move away from here and get a couple dogs.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> It seems like it. But it's hard to say for sure because the kind of work hours he is putting in would exhaust anyone. This combined with unresolved issues would make his sex avoidance less nefarious and more unfortunate.


his work has gotten really bad lately to the point where he started seeing the therapist he is going to "when he has time", having chest pains, put on 60lbs, mental/emotional break downs. this cannot all be due to me can it?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

I only put a recorder in his car to see if he was going to work or seeing someone else..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> He is slowly starting up his own business but with the hours he works it’s very hard for him to do that. He actually sent me a text earlier saying he got a call and has to travel to another office which is about 2.5 hours away from home, and then won’t be home until around 2am, only to go back to his other office tomorrow by 8am which is about 1.5 hours away. Let me point out that I know for a fact he is working and not cheating because I have put pen recorders in his car, and also put a gps unit in his car.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, I see that I do nothing to help the situation and only make it worse by my actions, or lack thereof.


This is excellent! The key to restoring a marriage such as yours is getting a grip on resentment. By seeing your own contribution you naturally let go of some of that resentment. Make sense? 

Empathy goes a long way toward nurturing love. 

You made a big step there and I'm sure that didn't feel very good, but well done!




> He usually works from 8am to around 10-11 at night, even when he comes home. He has even told me that unless he is working he doesn’t know how to function. I try to help him by telling him how much I love him, ask him about his day, and ask if I can help him in any way, I’ll make dinner, talk, but it just doesn’t seem to help.



This is all a very good start!

If he is in IT he is used to sinking all of his mental energy into the computer screen in front of him and he goes through a series of problem solving analysis. This is the polar opposite of social interaction. This means all of his mental energy is zapped, but then social interactions require even more mental energy for a guy who has made his life work in IT. People who gravitate toward IT type work aren't exactly the most social being's...you know what I mean

This unfortunately puts the burden on you to draw him out.
1. Use a lot of touch to communicate. Rub his arm, rub his back, run your fingers down his face, brush his hair off his face, play with the hair on his arms. Your goal is to be light hearted and also touching.
2. Don't expect him to function normall after the kind of days he has been having. I'm sorry but it is just outrageous the kind of hours he is working. You have to scale way way back in exoecting him to be fully engaged when he is so consistently overwhelmed and zapped. There are not many people who could even drive themselves home safely putting in the kind of hours he does. He must scale back!



> I would have done the same thing.


As I said, empathy goes a long way to rid resentment. Next post will contain how to get him awake and ready for sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> his work has gotten really bad lately to the point where he started seeing the therapist he is going to "when he has time", having chest pains, put on 60lbs, mental/emotional break downs. this cannot all be due to me can it?


No, it is not all on your shoulders. But, I'm sorry to say, some of it is.

Think restorative, nurturing, nourishing. He is go go go give give give and gets zero zero zero. This will make anyone a walking time bomb.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> This is excellent! The key to restoring a marriage such as yours is getting a grip on resentment. By seeing your own contribution you naturally let go of some of that resentment. Make sense?
> 
> Empathy goes a long way toward nurturing love.
> 
> ...


i totally agree with the scaling back of work hours. he has tried and they will not back off, he is the only one available to travel within the 3 states of indiana, michigan, ohio, and they will not hire any additional staff, its absolutely outrageous. he has had interviews setup but has had to pass on them or missed them because of his current job.

i really get scared with him driving home at times, he actually hit our neighbors cat one morning when he was driving home after a 36 hour shift. there have been times he has worked 72 straight hours and then had to drive home from 2.5 hours away. this job is literally killing him.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Why doesn't he just quit?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're going to need to brush up on your flirting skills.

1. Take selfies of parts of your body and text them to him in a series. Like shot 1 shows your toes. Shot 2 shows your knees. Shot 3 shows your upper inner thigh. Shot 4 shows..... Send them to him on a day when he is most like to be home before you're asleep. Then, before he leaves work, text him a pic of your foot with lacy panties hanging off the toe asking him how soon he can get home. 
2. Leave sticky notes for him to find when he will most likely NOT be home until you are sound asleep. Each note says something you like about sex with him, such as "I love it when you...." Just a quick sentence. Leave several stuck to places he will find even with one eye shut. 
3. During those rare moments when you are both awake and face to face, continue to tell him you love him but also show appreciation for how hard he works to provide. This is something almost every man her at TAM admits they don't feel they get enough of. While this isn't a flirt, it does help him feel loved when he feels appreciated.
4. He likes your boobs. So you need to regularly send him pics of your boobs. In a bra, mashed together showing only the cleavage, arm raised showing the swell as the camera is pointed upward, from the side showing just the nipple....

Flirting has been undertaken and now it's time to overtake the castle of his resistance!

1. The day you've sent him a series of sexy selfies you mention nothing when he gets home. But you're wearing a silky short robe and nothing else as you sit with him for a bit.
2. He turns on the TV and that's when you fight dirty. You're sitting next to him on the couch and he is watching tv, you're in your robe and nothing else. Slowly you put your feet up on the coffee table and spread them apart. Slowly your hands drift down to your lady parts. You begin to masturbate, right there in front of him. Your goal is to fully masturbate to climax. If he jobs in, fabulous. If he doesn't that's okay too because when you're done you go to bed a sleep peacefully knowing your husband is stuck with a raging boner and mentally berating himself for being so pig headed he wouldn't join in.
3. You should be doing the flirting and masturbating at least twice a week. You have to keep doing this because he is going to doubt your sincerity.

If you do all of this for one month and you get a bland or passive response, you have your final answer that this marriage is dead and over. But you must give it at least a full month of effort on your part.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> You're going to need to brush up on your flirting skills.
> 
> 1. Take selfies of parts of your body and text them to him in a series. Like shot 1 shows your toes. Shot 2 shows your knees. Shot 3 shows your upper inner thigh. Shot 4 shows..... Send them to him on a day when he is most like to be home before you're asleep. Then, before he leaves work, text him a pic of your foot with lacy panties hanging off the toe asking him how soon he can get home.
> 2. Leave sticky notes for him to find when he will most likely NOT be home until you are sound asleep. Each note says something you like about sex with him, such as "I love it when you...." Just a quick sentence. Leave several stuck to places he will find even with one eye shut.
> ...


AP, thank you so much for the advice, i hate to sound like a prude but i know thats how it will come across........ i dont masturbate, dont touch myself "down there" unless its after i pee, or in washing in the shower/shaving. i just think its gross personally and i'm sorry about that.

in regards to the nudes, i dont like sending anything i dont want anyone else to see over the phone in a picture. he has asked me years ago about this and i made it clear that sending nudes, or tease pictures like that is just way out of my comfort zone and not a possibility.

there have been times where i will just walk up to him and mount up, start shaking my boobs in his face, but he just seems like he's not interested in that at all.

AP, can you please tell me if you believe he is like this purely because of me, or do you think there are some deeper issues at hand?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> he is and our bank account has basically no withdrawals except for lunch when he's gone, dinner on late nights, and utilities. he doesnt have time to spend money on other things. he has told me many times that he is confident that women are all like this and that this is a normal marriage. he gets this view from his parents, grandparents, and my parents when my mom was alive. his last 2 girlfriends he had left him for "friends" not that they would be called friends in my book, and now this. so i'm pretty sure he feels worthless to himself which i hate myself for causing him to feel even more.
> 
> he has gotten to the point where he doesnt even like women, they tend to annoy him very badly and he has said that if he didnt have me he would just move away from here and get a couple dogs.


this is the start of some empathy.

the more you can do this, the more you can get closer to him. that's the solution.

ask yourself if you really want to get closer to him, or whether you just want something FROM him.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

donny64 said:


> The more I read all of this, the more I think he will never get over it and this marriage is done.
> 
> We've heard nary a word about him, other than what he has done to:
> 
> ...


 This is unfortunately how things go. Any married guy can tell you that odds are whatever goes wrong is going to somehow be his fault. If he's not happy then it's his fault and if she's not happy it's his fault. She cheats because the sex isn't good... he should have been a better lover. He cheats with a better looking woman... he's a dog. I swear it seems like a lot of women today don't think they need to do anything anymore accept be a woman in order to keep their man happy.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> his work has gotten really bad lately to the point where he started seeing the therapist he is going to "when he has time", having chest pains, put on 60lbs, mental/emotional break downs. this cannot all be due to me can it?


All of it? Probably not. But ever hear of "the straw that broke the camels back?". You are the straw. 

Stress and anxiety can be cumulative and just continue to build on itself. I recently went through this . Horrible work stress, horrible commute stress, and relationship issues. I was managing, but I was near my limits. Then one day weeks later I found out about an incident where my W made out with some azzhole a year prior. I was in the emergency room within the week. Not all her fault, but she suire kicked me right off the ledge I was teetering on before I found out. 

Difference being, my w went into serious azz kissing, affection, talks, sex, remorseful mode ever since, and has not one single time tried to apply an ounce of blame for it on me. Nor has she held it against me when ive had a "moment" over it, gotten angry, or have been withdrawn or even rejected her. Three months out from day we are considerably better off now than we were 6 months ago. Except for trust issues, but that will take much longer to resolve. But of she keeps up what she's doing, I'll get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> his work has gotten really bad lately to the point where he started seeing the therapist he is going to "when he has time", having chest pains, put on 60lbs, mental/emotional break downs. this cannot all be due to me can it?


it's not just due to you, but it's highly likely that his relationship with you is just another major stress point in his life.

you need to work toward your relationship becoming a refuge from the other stress in your lives.

if something seems like another demand, it will be stressful to someone in his situation.

keep everything you do low pressure. make offers of being closer and let him choose.

you have to be prepared for him to opt out until he's sure it's not a trap.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> AP, thank you so much for the advice, i hate to sound like a prude but i know thats how it will come across........ i dont masturbate, dont touch myself "down there" unless its after i pee, or in washing in the shower/shaving. i just think its gross personally and i'm sorry about that.
> 
> in regards to the nudes, i dont like sending anything i dont want anyone else to see over the phone in a picture. he has asked me years ago about this and i made it clear that sending nudes, or tease pictures like that is just way out of my comfort zone and not a possibility.
> 
> ...




I think you've kind of boxed him in, honestly. I think in the beginning you both made some beginner mistakes and neither of you have recovered.

The spark of fire started when you felt ignored and abandoned? It blazed to life when you had your EA. It climbed higher in the aftermath when he was rejected and you still felt abandoned. It died down once he distanced himself. Now it's just a slow burn and will continue until there is nothing left unless drastic measures are taken. 

You comfort zone limitations have added fuel, but not that much.
His work hours also add fuel to the fire to keep it burning.

Honestly dear, if you really want to save this marriage, you're going to have to take very drastic measures and then slap him with an ultimatum that he keep working with you to fix this or you two part ways.

If you've mounted up and shook your boobs in his face to no response...wow...that's bad.

Honey, you need to start masturbating. Take charge of your sexuality! It's yours, it's healthy and right. Own it sister!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> This is excellent! The key to restoring a marriage such as yours is getting a grip on resentment. By seeing your own contribution you naturally let go of some of that resentment. Make sense?
> 
> Empathy goes a long way toward nurturing love.
> 
> ...


listen to AP!!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You're going to need to brush up on your flirting skills.
> 
> 1. Take selfies of parts of your body and text them to him in a series. Like shot 1 shows your toes. Shot 2 shows your knees. Shot 3 shows your upper inner thigh. Shot 4 shows..... Send them to him on a day when he is most like to be home before you're asleep. Then, before he leaves work, text him a pic of your foot with lacy panties hanging off the toe asking him how soon he can get home.
> 2. Leave sticky notes for him to find when he will most likely NOT be home until you are sound asleep. Each note says something you like about sex with him, such as "I love it when you...." Just a quick sentence. Leave several stuck to places he will find even with one eye shut.
> ...


this should be stickied as a likely solution to any marital problem.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> I think you've kind of boxed him in, honestly. I think in the beginning you both made some beginner mistakes and neither of you have recovered.
> 
> The spark of fire started when you felt ignored and abandoned? It blazed to life when you had your EA. It climbed higher in the aftermath when he was rejected and you still felt abandoned. It died down once he distanced himself. Now it's just a slow burn and will continue until there is nothing left unless drastic measures are taken.
> 
> ...


I can see how the ultimatum would go:

"Husband, have sex with me the one way I'll allow us to have sex right now or I'm leaving you!"

Husband: "wait, before or after you cheat on me and deny me sex for most of the marriage again? See ya!"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> this should be stickied as a likely solution to any marital problem.


I have a dirty mind. >

Sex is to marital problems as mayonnaise is to a sandwich.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> I have a dirty mind. >
> 
> Sex is to marital problems as mayonnaise is to a sandwich.


*Swoon*


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

lostandhelpless said:


> thank you for the advice and honestly i have tried it with no success. he just shoots me down and says he is either not in the mood, tired, or has to work. Even last night, i got home a bit later than normal, took a shower, and jumped into bed naked next to him and started scratching his side like i know he likes. no response whatsoever and when i asked what was wrong, he just said he was tired.
> 
> i have tried several times up until 2 months ago and just gave up after that. i tried lingerie which he has told me he likes, being nude, etc. like i said in a previous post, if i even go to change or undress he will leave the bedroom if he is in there to give me privacy. he just shows ZERO interest in me when I am nude. he never even gropes me anymore, i realize this may be punishment because i never groped him ever, and he told me he likes it when i did, but i just never really thought to do it.
> 
> ...


Actually ask him to have sex with you and if he says no, ask him when.
Plan a sex date, don't just try to get him in the mood (when he's tired.)
I know this is easier said than done, but really, just do it.

Like I said, send him a text saying "Have sex with me." Make him answer until you get a commitment of when (and where.) He'll be surprised about the text, probably not know how to respond. But make him say something either way.

You could go another route. Write him a letter or a card. Don't be too wordy or make excuses. Just say "Despite how things have been in the past, I want us to be intimate again. I want you to desire me, grope me, and lust for me like you used to. I want us to be happy together and be sexual. Please have sex with me, I won't say no."

That's going to kick up a lot of angry feelings in him but at least when you make advances toward him, he knows he won't be rejected anymore if he does reciprocate.

But I don't want to let you off the hook here. You need to flat out tell him to have sex with you and if not now, make him commit to when.
If he flat out says "never" well then you have your answer. Maybe then you can fight about why and hash it out until you find a solution. But if you stick to it you might get a sex date, have sex, and start the road to healing.

I hear your frustrations I hear you want to work on this. I'm telling you that you can't be subtle. You have to be direct and over the top. You also have to get him to commit to having sex with you eventually so that there aren't excuses or mixed signals.
I want to see this happen for both of you. I'll be ecstatic if I hear you to had sex. :wink2:


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> What isn't peachy fine is presenting the behavior of avoidance and self defeatist mutual distruction as ...normal.


When the heck have I ever presented my decisions as normal or desirable or even acceptable? I have consistently presented my situation as something to be avoided at all costs.

I agree with you that if OP's H is feeling the way I think he feels and treating her the way I describe, OP should divorce her H. I think I said that very thing more than once.

I am trying to describe how her H might feel as a way to convince her NOT to interpret his statement in the somewhat charitable or hopeful way she describes and instead to interpret him in the toxic manner you (Anon) describe. I am suggesting to her the only path I can imagine that might convince him to choose a different course in the future. If he passes, I suggest she divorce him.

Anon, I don't think you and I disagree very much about the advice to the OP. And I don't think we disagree about the merits of my situation either. The only difference is that you think I should stop making self-destructive choices and I am determined to keep making them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> Let me point out that I know for a fact he is working and not cheating because I have put pen recorders in his car, and also put a gps unit in his car.


OK now I am thinking this is a troll.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@Holdingontoit,

I apologize for mischaracterizing and misinterpreting your posts. I skimmed them and missed the points you referenced in your post #54. I shall go back and edit my offending and incorrect post.

Sorry about that.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

AP: Thanks.

LAH: Something to think about. You say your H is overweight, out of shape, having nervous breakdowns, and generally in poor status emotionally, physically and mentally. It may be that at this moment, he would refuse to have sex with anyone. Maybe he is having trouble achieving or maintaining an erection while he masturbates. Maybe he fears if he tries to have sex he won't be able to perform, or is afraid he won't be able to satisfy you, or that he might have a heart attack trying to do so.

This is partly why I am suggesting you address this by talking to him about how you hurt him and how you won't knowingly do that again. And then talk about how to bring down the barriers between you. Because he might need several weeks of better diet and exercise before he feels comfortable engaging in any play with you that involves his privates. And given the emotional disconnect, he might not be all that interested in sexual play that does not involve his privates.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> Honestly i think you are correct in your thinking. he has mentioned before about feeling like roommates and has even said before that “this is what you wanted isn’t it? for me to not want to initiate so i had no choice but to shut down and it’s not a switch i can simply flick and turn back on like a light bulb.
> 
> i know he is seeing a therapist for his depression and he has been really stressed with work as well. other than our sex life we have been great. i know he has been dealing with a lot of stress and long hours at work to the point where he has had 3 emotional/mental break downs in the last 2 months which prompted him to see a therapist. he has voiced that he hates feeling how he does but he’s stuck and has no idea how to switch everything back. he told me before that he was going crazy when *I would reject him and he had no other reason than to shut down his drive and focus on work.*


And you still are having trouble understanding his reactions and call him PA ?

This man is beaten

Congrats

you win

55


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

i wanted to take some time and post an update. the last couple of days i have went home and he has been in a great mood! we have been spending time on the couch snuggling which is a huge step since we never really did that anymore and he took 2 days off of work to decompress and is feeling/looking/sounding much better due to the stress being alot better from doing that. last night we were both pretty tired, he got a lot accomplished around the house like he wanted to do and he felt great about it which made me happy! he ended up staining our fence, weeding the beds around the house, and started finishing our garage which is something he has wanted to do for a long time. i was at work, followed of course by my father's house afterwards where i made dinner, cleaned the house, did laundry, and changed the cat litter.

fast forward to around 7pm and i was at home and in the kitchen talking to my hubby. i was getting some food together because i was starving and had not eaten all day since my father eats specialty food for his diabetes. my h came up behind me and grabbed me around the waist and started kissing my ears, neck, cheek, and shoulder. i grabbed his hands from my waist and planted them right on my twin sisters and he seemed to respond very well to it! he said he was to tired but maybe this weekend we could find some time to finally have some sex. i was exhausted from my day and evening and i was honestly a bit relieved to hear he was to tired because i literally did not have the energy to perform. i know he was interested because he had a raging boner after playing with my lady bits, sorry if tmi. he went and took a shower, and we went to bed together where he held me like he used to .

i think this may work, and i'm hoping to not spend to much time at my dad's tonight/this weekend because i know he wants to go out on a date but i have to get some stuff done for my dad that i've been putting off for a while, and it's just so much to do.

here's hoping i can find some time/energy this weekend to make this happen again!!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> i think this may work, and i'm hoping to not spend to much time at my dad's tonight/this weekend because i know he wants to go out on a date but i have to get some stuff done for my dad that i've been putting off for a while, and it's just so much to do.


Hoping is not enough. Make plans with hubby for date night on Saturday. make a reservation for dinner together. Then backtrack. Leaving for restaurant at 6. Have to start showering and getting dressed at 5. Need to leave Dad's at 4 to allow for traffic driving home. Set an alarm. At 4 pm you are leaving dad's no matter what did or did not get done. So if there are things that MUST get done before you leave (dad's dinner or meds), those get done FIRST on Saturday. So if you lose track of time and notice it is 4 pm and you have to yell "bye dad" and run out the door, you already did the things that had to be done. Do not allow yourself to start on other tasks and then notice it is 4 pm but you haven't done dinner or meds so you have to stay and be late for hubby. Do NOT be late for hubby.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Hoping is not enough. Make plans with hubby for date night on Saturday. make a reservation for dinner together. Then backtrack. Leaving for restaurant at 6. Have to start showering and getting dressed at 5. Need to leave Dad's at 4 to allow for traffic driving home. Set an alarm. At 4 pm you are leaving dad's no matter what did or did not get done. So if there are things that MUST get done before you leave (dad's dinner or meds), those get done FIRST on Saturday. So if you lose track of time and notice it is 4 pm and you have to yell "bye dad" and run out the door, you already did the things that had to be done. Do not allow yourself to start on other tasks and then notice it is 4 pm but you haven't done dinner or meds so you have to stay and be late for hubby. Do NOT be late for hubby.


thank you! i will certainly do my best. i'm going to ask if my h can come over and help me so i can get out of there sooner than later. its going to have to be saturday night sometime because i have plans on sunday that were made a while back to head over to a girlfriends house with a bunch of our other friends to watch magic mike :wink2: "can't wait!".

so hopefully we can get everything done tomorrow and at least go out on a date!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> i'm going to ask if my h can come over and help me so i can get out of there sooner than later.


YMMV, but I do not like the sound of this. Now, not only does hubby come after Dad, but hubby has to chip in to help you help Dad, and there is still no guarantee that hubby gets date night out of it. The idea that you might get out of Dad's "later" rather than "sooner" means that you are prioritizing the things you want to do for Dad over the things you want to do with hubby. In my view, you need to flip your priorities. "I am going to get out of Dad's at 3 or 4 pm NO MATTER WHAT. Even if some things did not get done. No matter what it is that did not get done. Hubby comes first.

If you have "the talk" and tell hubby you love him and want to spend more time with him. And then the first chance you get, you race over the Dad's and exhaust yourself and run late and have to cancel on date night with hubby. Well, then you have shown hubby that you don't really care about him and you are lying when you say you will make changes to treat him better. You are then worse off than before you had the talk. Because now he knows that the talk was a lie and you don't really love him and don't really intend to make him a priority.

So make a choice. Hubby comes first or he doesn't. Either you are leaving Dad's in time for date night or you aren't. If you let outside events determine whether you have time for hubby, you won't ever have time for hubby. Life will always throw up obstacles and distractions that interfere with date night unless and until you decide that date night comes first and the other stuff can wait. If no one is going to die from delay, then anything else can wait. It IS that simple. Which of the things you plan to do on Saturday will result in your Dad dying that night if you don't get them done? None of them? Then they are all optional and none of them justifies cancelling date night with hubby.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

yeah, if I was hubby, I wouldn't be heading over to help out with father in law at this point in time.

hubby doesn't even want to help move a single piece of furniture on his day off if I remember correctly. 

now you are expecting him to help you get your chores done so he can have the privilege of MAYBE going out with you.

I'm guessing he's seen this drill before.

the question is: is the relationship a priority or it is only something you're interested in when everything lines up perfectly for you?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> yeah, if I was hubby, I wouldn't be heading over to help out with father in law at this point in time.
> 
> hubby doesn't even want to help move a single piece of furniture on his day off if I remember correctly.
> 
> ...


it is definitely a priority to me, i want to save this marriage. i love my h with all of my heart and soul. i cant neglect the items that my dad needs though. my h understands that i have alot to do for my dad and understands completely why i am so tired and that i want to do more and make things better but am just so exhausted getting home at 9-9:30 every night. i have no energy for anything afterwards.

he asked if we could do something sunday if that better accommodates my schedule but i have that get together at my friends for magic mike and i planned that several months ago which he knew about. we'll make it work this weekend somehow i'm positive :smile2:.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> it is definitely a priority to me, i want to save this marriage.
> 
> he asked if we could do something sunday if that better accommodates my schedule but i have that get together at my friends for magic mike and i planned that several months ago which he knew about. we'll make it work this weekend somehow i'm positive :smile2:.


OK, your actions aren't exactly lining up with your message.

You've got to take care of your dad. Understood.

But then you also are prioritizing watching Magic Mike with your friends. Even if you already planned that, you're still choosing to do that over your husband's current outreach to you.

if your dad needed you during the Magic Mike show, would you drop that to help him?

Is your relationship really on such solid ground that you can expect hubby to wait around for when it's a perfect time for you?

You obviously don't have to answer me, but if I were your husband I would be paying attention to how much you're really willing put to the side in an effort to hang out with me.

If the answer is "not much," then I would interpret that I wasn't high on your priority list.

keep in mind that he has grown used to being low on your list so you need to put in extra effort to convince him he no longer is.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> OK, your actions aren't exactly lining up with your message.
> 
> You've got to take care of your dad. Understood.
> 
> ...


i don't have to respond but i will. yes, i would drop whatever i was doing to help my dad, he has always been there for me and, well, he's my dad. my hubby spends time with friends when he is off at times, or does his own thing. i have been looking forward to this party this weekend for a while and really need it to come down from all of the stress i have been under and relax.

i did plan on trying to initiate sunday. i will finally be relaxed enough to where i feel i could initiate with confidence and will already be in the mood when i get home because what woman doesn't get turned on by channing tatum?


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Both of you have been hurt. Both of you have been neglected. Both of you would be entitled to decide that you are done making investments into the relationship and to wait for the other person to make the first move.
> 
> But if you both do that, the problem will never get resolved. One of you has to swallow their pride, apologize, and make investment into the marriage with no guarantee that the other person will reciprocate. You are here, and you are complaining about the situation, so I nominate you to "go first". Even if you feel that is not fair. I can't promise you what will happen if you go first. I can guarantee you what will happen if you don't. Misery, cheating, divorce or maybe all of the above.


Brilliant response!!!!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> it is definitely a priority to me, i want to save this marriage. i love my h with all of my heart and soul. i cant neglect the items that my dad needs though. my h understands that i have alot to do for my dad and understands completely why i am so tired and that i want to do more and make things better but am just so exhausted getting home at 9-9:30 every night. i have no energy for anything afterwards.
> 
> he asked if we could do something sunday if that better accommodates my schedule but i have that get together at my friends for magic mike and i planned that several months ago which he knew about. we'll make it work this weekend somehow i'm positive :smile2:.


OP: "I am desperate to connect physically with my husband!" 

First chance in months, possible breakthrough --

AND____

Sex with husband one day then magic mike (I have plans). OP you are self aware like a plant. You can't be for real. Not 2 days in bed with my husband all day all night, Barry White style. Nope one night and then girlfriends and ogling Channing Tatumon the TV. (I have plans!!!) OP I don't think any of this is real. You had me for a while but nope nada.

Good luck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> it is definitely a priority to me, i want to save this marriage. i love my h with all of my heart and soul. i cant neglect the items that my dad needs though. my h understands that i have alot to do for my dad and understands completely why i am so tired and that i want to do more and make things better but am just so exhausted getting home at 9-9:30 every night. i have no energy for anything afterwards.
> 
> he asked if we could do something sunday if that better accommodates my schedule but i have that get together at my friends for magic mike and i planned that several months ago which he knew about. we'll make it work this weekend somehow i'm positive :smile2:.




I have been there. Caregiving for people you love is exhausting. Not physically but emotionally. They are sick and they won't be getting better. Their health status at best is stable. 

When I took care of my brother with ALS I came home absolutely drained. Just had nothing left inside. Same happened when I took care of my mother during her end stage dementia. When my sister reached end stage cancer I figured I could handle it since I had been there and done that twice already. I was wrong. It was worse. Worse for me, horrendous on my marriage (and it still hasn't recovered) and hard on my kids. But these were my family. They were dying. If I had to run ragged for a few months so be it. Because in the end I would still be alive and they would not. Made my choice pretty easy.

As @Holdingontoit already suggested, get the vital things done first. Meds, meals, and bathroom needs. Everything else can wait for the next day.

Maybe you and hubby don't have to go out, but stay in. Dress in a pretty dress, eat a meal on the floor on a blanket or outside. Cuddle and talk with soft relaxing music in the back ground.

Most days after I gave care, I didn't want anyone near me at all. I wanted silence and solitude. If you can save some energy for you H, more power to you! I had nothing left over for him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> i have tried getting in and taking showers with him. that is really fun but he doesnt even get aroused when i am in there with him. blowjobs are a foreplay only item, this is something we agreed on when we were first married. *the act is kind of degrading and gross in my opinion which is why its restricted *to a few minutes of foreplay.


Another attitude that he's picking up on.

Another article for ya - Oral Arguments - The Forgiven Wife

Hop in shower with your husband, gentle wash him and if he gets erect, get on your knees and suck it like your marriage depends on it.

Take him all the way. You might be quite surprised at the difference you see in him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I have been there. Caregiving for people you love is exhausting. Not physically but emotionally. They are sick and they won't be getting better. Their health status at best is stable.
> 
> When I took care of my brother with ALS I came home absolutely drained. Just had nothing left inside. Same happened when I took care of my mother during her end stage dementia. When my sister reached end stage cancer I figured I could handle it since I had been there and done that twice already. I was wrong. It was worse. Worse for me, horrendous on my marriage (and it still hasn't recovered) and hard on my kids. But these were my family. They were dying. If I had to run ragged for a few months so be it. Because in the end I would still be alive and they would not. Made my choice pretty easy.
> 
> ...


Right but did you post on a board about how your husband doesn't want to have sex with you? Are you not noticing the disconnect here? No one is giving her a hard time because she is tired, we are giving her a hard time because of her blatant double standards, in just about every area of her marriage. If she is even for real.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Right but did you post on a board about how your husband doesn't want to have sex with you? Are you not noticing the disconnect here? No one is giving her a hard time because she is tired, we are giving her a hard time because of her blatant double standards, in just about every area of her marriage. If she is even for real.


I posted about my caregiving experiences because it seemed like OP was getting some flack for not picking her husband over taking care of her father. If you've never been a caregiver, you have no idea how draining it is, but even so we do it because we love them and they need care. Her husband is healthy, for now. Her father is sick and won't likely get better. 

So...healthy husband or sick father... That's a no brainer to me and any husband who's going to get his panties in a bunch over it... Pffft.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Another attitude that he's picking up on.
> 
> Another article for ya - Oral Arguments - The Forgiven Wife
> 
> ...


as i have said i am not going to to do that, i just do not like giving oral. i looked at the article, but just because i love my husband and respect him does not mean i have to give my husband oral sex.

also i wanted to post just a small update from the weekend. i came home Friday and both the h and I just relaxed, Saturday I went over to my dads early in the morning and got done and rushed back home. he had a nice lunch waiting for us and we had a nice picnic at a lake down the road. it was really nice since it was just the two of us and we finally were able to spend some time with just the two of us and nobody else around, and decompress. we haven’t been this stress free in a long time and it felt/feels great! we went on a walk down on the beach/pier, went and played mini-golf, and then to top it off he had dinner setup where we were married! we were married in an open podium down by the river near us and it was so sweet of him to do. i haven’t felt so happy and appreciated in a long time. i’m so happy that we are starting to connect on this level again! thank you all for the advice and help with this!

here's hoping for next week when i'm off my period, i just started this weekend so we couldnt have any fun in the sheets, but i'm hoping to carry this momentum into next week and execute!


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> as i have said i am not going to to do that, i just do not like giving oral. i looked at the article, but just because i love my husband and respect him does not mean i have to give my husband oral sex.
> 
> also i wanted to post just a small update from the weekend. i came home Friday and both the h and I just relaxed, Saturday I went over to my dads early in the morning and got done and rushed back home. *he had a nice lunch waiting for us and we had a nice picnic at a lake down the road*. it was really nice since it was just the two of us and we finally were able to spend some time with just the two of us and nobody else around, and decompress. we haven’t been this stress free in a long time and it felt/feels great! *we went on a walk down on the beach/pier, went and played mini-golf, and then to top it off he had dinner setup where we were married!* we were married in an open podium down by the river near us and it was so sweet of him to do. *i haven’t felt so happy and appreciated in a long time.* i’m so happy that we are starting to connect on this level again! thank you all for the advice and help with this!
> 
> here's hoping for next week when i'm off my period, i just started this weekend so we couldnt have any fun in the sheets, but i'm hoping to carry this momentum into next week and execute!


Not pickin a fight, just a thought. Sounds like hubby would have enjoyed a BJ! He met your needs, but your gonna make him wait a week before getting frisky???

A question in regards to him not wanting to be with you. (ya don't have to answer here, more of something to consider yourself.)

When you & hubby were having sex over the years, how often did you tell him, NO, not like that. Don't touch me there. Don't ever expect me to do THAT!

My point being, could he tell someone all the things you DON'T like in regards to sex, but nothing you like?? 

Quoting you "but just because i love my husband and respect him does not mean i have to give my husband oral sex."

So, what DO you do just for your husband? Or is it all about what YOU want? 

You stated in a earlier post that you and hubby agreed no oral. Was it an agreement or a "No way in HELL" statement? How would you feel if there was a part of your body that he said "That's gross & I will never do (whatever) for you"

I don't want you to answer me, just think about why he no longer is interested. Did he get to the point of "It's just to much work navigating all the NO landmines to get any intimacy"??


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally.


Sounds to me like you simply lost interest in your old man and you just didn't want him touching you. Most likely you developed a thing for this cat you were have an emotional affair with and didn't want to cheat on him by having sex the guy you were married. You may as well just come out a scream it that you couldn't stand the thought of him pawing at you when you really wanted the other man.
Now things have changed. He's a challenge and that jump started your romantic interest.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I posted about my caregiving experiences because it seemed like OP was getting some flack for not picking her husband over taking care of her father. If you've never been a caregiver, you have no idea how draining it is, but even so we do it because we love them and they need care. Her husband is healthy, for now. Her father is sick and won't likely get better.
> 
> So...healthy husband or sick father... That's a no brainer to me and any husband who's going to get his panties in a bunch over it... Pffft.


Um watched my mom take care of her mother with Alzheimer's, moved back home so I could help her (mostly just lifting and being a human walker) so I am very much aware. 

With all respect do you read the posts? Sometimes I think you are replying to in a different thread then me. Her husband doesn't even want to have sex with her, she is the one who wants him to! As far as the husband is concerned everything is fine. Where are you getting this "husband who's going to get his panties in a bunch over it"

Again I am not saying she shouldn't be tired what I am saying is she has no empathy or self awareness. Her and her husband are both tired, yet she posts and complains that he is tired. She complains that her husband doesn't want to have sex with her even though she did the same thing to him before. She complains that he didn't trust her when she cheated on him. She complains that he never spends time with her, but then she goes over to see Magic Mike, right when they are having a breakthrough. It's almost comical. 

There is some sort of disconnect, she has a terrible inability to understand or even sympathize with her husband's point of view who by all respects had been a good man for her, under pretty poor treatment I might add. Of all the things talked about on this thread, this is foundation of all the problems. If she would just try to think of her husbands point of view, understand and sympathize with it, maybe allow some of that to motivate her decisions the whole marriage would begin to change. Her whole life would begin to change. 

Her frustrations with life would begin to be fixed. Because she refuses or just doesn't know how to do this she continues to make choices that hurt him, or at least tell him he is not a priority. Then she is baffled by the fact that he is hurt or has moved away emotionally from her. 

Writing all this gave me a thought, OP have you ever been tested to see if you are on the spectrum?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> But then you also are prioritizing watching Magic Mike with your friends. Even if you already planned that, you're still choosing to do that over your husband's current outreach to you.
> 
> if your dad needed you during the Magic Mike show, would you drop that to help him?
> 
> Is your relationship really on such solid ground that you can expect hubby to wait around for when it's a perfect time for you?


Game, set, and match Anon. Our girl L&H talks about how much she loves and respects her husband and wants to save her marriage but she just don't have it in her to upgrade him from the B squad. 
This old boy needs somebody to give him a "talking to" about insisting he's either numero uno or he's out.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Not pickin a fight, just a thought. Sounds like hubby would have enjoyed a BJ! He met your needs, but your gonna make him wait a week before getting frisky???
> 
> A question in regards to him not wanting to be with you. (ya don't have to answer here, more of something to consider yourself.)
> 
> ...


we had a great time together last night and really connected in a way we haven't been able to in a long time. he was really tired as was i so we just spent time together which we both wanted. plus we were really full from the wonderful dinner he made.

i feel gross on my period and in no way sexy so he knows any action at all while i'm on my period is out of the question. plus the fact of why would i do something like that when its been so long since we have been intimate? that makes zero sense, and i feel your response is typical being a man, of course you would bring up a bj......



VladDracul said:


> Sounds to me like you simply lost interest in your old man and you just didn't want him touching you. Most likely you developed a thing for this cat you were have an emotional affair with and didn't want to cheat on him by having sex the guy you were married. You may as well just come out a scream it that you couldn't stand the thought of him pawing at you when you really wanted the other man.
> Now things have changed. He's a challenge and that jump started your romantic interest.


i was lost and own the fact i was a horrible person and wish i would have never done what i did to my husband and my marriage. i know it can never be the same and that it is up to me to make things right. i need to make sacrifices to save what i can of my marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP I have been giving you a hard time, but I have to say I think there may be a glimmer of hope for you.



lostandhelpless said:


> i was lost and own the fact i was a horrible person and wish i would have never done what i did to my husband and my marriage. i know it can never be the same and that it is up to me to make things right. i need to make sacrifices to save what i can of my marriage.


Having this contrite attitude will change the nature of your relationship and help him heal. I wasn't sure you had it in you, but keep going there is hope. Also you notice once your started to change you attitude he immediately started responding. 

If you start being more giving physically he will start seeing you in a more sexual light as well. Not saying do something you are uncomfortable with but find things you are comfortable with, and maybe be more open to figuring out why you are uncomfortable with stuff. Some of this could just be some hangups you have. 

Keep working OP, you are starting to get it I think.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i was lost and own the fact i was a horrible person and wish i would have never done what i did to my husband and my marriage. i know it can never be the same and that it is up to me to make things right. i need to make sacrifices to save what i can of my marriage.


Here's the thing milady. You can confess what a horrible person you were, what you did to him, what sacrifices you're willing to make, etc., but until you put him ahead of everybody else, including daddy, what you're saying is empty words. In fact, you sound like when it goes beyond you having to do more that pay lip service, your willingness to sacrifice ends there. (come to think of it, if you're considering making changes to better his life and making him a priority, a sacrifice, you may as will forget it.)


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

sokillme said:


> OP I have been giving you a hard time, but I have to say I think there may be a glimmer of hope for you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


thank you! i do see the change he made as soon as i changed!



VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing milady. You can confess what a horrible person you were, what you did to him, what sacrifices you're willing to make, etc., but until you put him ahead of everybody else, including daddy, what you're saying is empty words. In fact, you sound like when it goes beyond you having to do more that pay lip service, your willingness to sacrifice ends there. (come to think of it, if you're considering making changes to better his life and making him a priority, a sacrifice, you may as will forget it.)


look, i plan on having sex with him, or at least trying when i am off of my period, i am not doing that or anything sexual while on my period, blowjobs and handjobs are out of the question unless included in foreplay.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lostandhelpless said:


> look, i plan on having sex with him, or at least trying when i am off of my period, i am not doing that or anything sexual while on my period, blowjobs and handjobs are out of the question unless included in foreplay.


Yeah, my wife is much the some way: no "68" (you do me and I'll owe you one).

She had better hope I'm not, you know, "incapacitated" for any length of time. Unless she's willing to overcome her aversion to toys as well.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lost-- 

it's great that you had a breakthrough with your husband. the fact that he made that gesture to you really seems to indicate that he wants to re-establish your relationship

you should really consider adopting a more giving mindset in the sex department though if you want to maintain the momentum and really win him over

Regarding the BJ thing, of course you have a right to have your own personal boundaries, but outside of this relationship, basically any woman who he would meet would not be likely to have the same particular boundary.

he's depressed now so maybe he's not really thinking about this, but when/if he comes out of his depression, it is safe to assume he's going to consider that he's not really getting all of the great stuff that usually comes along with being in a committed relationship

you should also consider whether you would have the same boundary if you were with another guy.

if you wouldn't (and if hubby senses this), then this is a significant issue that is not likely to sit well with him


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> lost--
> 
> it's great that you had a breakthrough with your husband. the fact that he made that gesture to you really seems to indicate that he wants to re-establish your relationship
> 
> ...


i highly doubt that most women enjoy having a fleshy worm in their mouth, penises are quite ugly, but they can be fun . i just dont like doing that stuff or really touching his penis unless its foreplay or sex, it just not my thing and i'm sorry for that. i'm pretty sure that most of my friends are the same way if i asked but i don't tend to talk about things like that with my friends.

i will try to have sex with him when i am off my period and at that point i would be open to a bj for a minute or two during foreplay. i have never been the type to give a bj, let alone to completion.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you might be surprised what your friends say. I can't remember a single woman I dated after age 20 that didn't do that unprompted.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> I think you might be surprised what your friends say. I can't remember a single woman I dated after age 20 that didn't do that unprompted.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


 Well I'm not 20 I'm 34 so I think I have a little more self respect than that .

I mean if he asks during foreplay I will typically do that for a few minutes.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Definitely sexually abnormal to be so anti-oral.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> *i highly doubt that most women enjoy having a fleshy worm in their mouth, penises are quite ugly, but they can be fun . i just dont like doing that stuff or really touching his penis* unless its foreplay or sex, it just not my thing and i'm sorry for that. i'm pretty sure that most of my friends are the same way if i asked but i don't tend to talk about things like that with my friends.
> 
> i will try to have sex with him when i am off my period and at that point i would be open to a bj for a minute or two during foreplay. i have never been the type to give a bj, let alone to completion.


I sincerely hope this is a troll thread! If not, this poor man is picking up on so many negative vibes, it's no wonder he can't get it up. lost - I know I gave you this link before, and I know you said you were not refusing. I ask you to read the 6 items the author wrote about. Sex to most men is THE MOST IMPORTANT way to feel connected to their spouse. For a man to push away his spouse means there are serious medical, mental or major issues in the marriage. Not saying there aren't some men that are just plain selfish either, but on average, intimacy is the connection for a man.

Six Things to Know About Sexual Refusal - The Forgiven Wife

In some ways, your statements are like the author of the blog, BEFORE she decided to make intimacy a priority in her marriage.

Your spouse has to jump thru multiple hoops, and maybe, just maybe, IF the monthly visitor doesn't show up, AND your not too tired, AND you don't have to check on someone else, AND as long as he keeps his icky stinky worm out of sight, he might get a crumb of intimacy.

I think your spouse is showing too much patience considering you were shopping around.

I'll quit jumping on your case with a final thought regarding something you said about ASKING for oral, When a guy has to ask, he knows his partner is not into it.

I've worked in a fairly large facility with a lot of older women, based on their conversations, and some with male co-workers, the old ladies ROCK when it comes to sucking!

I have never cheated, I don't condone it. But your hubby may realize that the reason he's depressed is the person he promised to spend his life with, doesn't want to touch his icky stinky little worm.

He may do the better of two options and divorce and then find someone new.

The worse option would be he starts a EA with someone, and then finds out they actually LOVE sex, and it turns into a PA.

O, one more thing, your husband may find your period gross, OR, as I found out, my wife actually liked sex MORE when she had her period. Threw a towel on the bed, gave her a tummy massage to lessen the cramps, then had intercourse, which made them disappear. Washing a towel was small price to pay for no cramps and a intimate connection with spouse.

The best part of TAM is you hear all kinds of different thoughts and opinions. Your task is to figure out what you want and how to get there. Best of luck


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> look, i plan on having sex with him, or at least trying when i am off of my period, i am not doing that or anything sexual while on my period, blowjobs and handjobs are out of the question unless included in foreplay.


Every man's dream.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i highly doubt that most women enjoy having a fleshy worm in their mouth, penises are quite ugly, but they can be fun . i just dont like doing that stuff or really touching his penis unless its foreplay or sex, it just not my thing and i'm sorry for that. i'm pretty sure that most of my friends are the same way if i asked but i don't tend to talk about things like that with my friends.
> 
> i will try to have sex with him when i am off my period and at that point i would be open to a bj for a minute or two during foreplay. i have never been the type to give a bj, let alone to completion.


Do you have adult autism? Have you been tested? I don't mean that as a derogatory joke, just the way you respond to some of these questions make me think you are on the spectrum.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> Well I'm not 20 I'm 34 so I think I have a little more self respect than that .
> 
> I mean if he asks during foreplay I will typically do that for a few minutes.


The implication is that women who perform oral do not have self respect?

For the record, I am 41 and have been married for 13 years, so this is going back a bit. But literally every dating partner I had, as well as most one night stands, were into oral, both giving and receiving.

I am not suggesting you should if you are not okay with it. What I am suggesting is that your idea of oral is not a widely shared view.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> Well I'm not 20 I'm 34 so I think I have a little more self respect than that .
> 
> I mean if he asks during foreplay I will typically do that for a few minutes.


again, you have a right to your own boundaries, but this is not normal for a woman your age. 

highly doubt that your friends are the same. 

also, I suspect you would abandon this hangup instantly if you were on the dating market. if one of your affair partners asked for this, would you have refused? again, you don't have to answer me, but I guarantee you your husband has asked himself this question.

fortunately for you, your husband is used to getting very little from you. he is not representative of the larger male population so hopefully you realize that you've lucked out that he's chosen to stick around.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'll just go ahead and say it Anon, the girl sounds like a lousy lay. Adds explanation to her prior post that he told her he's rather spank his monkey than fool with her.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm sorry for the mess you find yourself in.
It sounds like there has been a lot of hurt all around, but you still genuinely care about him, and as long as that is the case, and you have not given up, all hope is not lost.
I think there needs to be a lot of honest, open communication.
I think you need to convey to him how much you love him and care for him, and how much you want to work on your marriage and save it and make it better again.
It sounds like he's angry and hurt -- his anger comes from a place of pain and fear.

If you can regain the emotional intimacy you once shared, the sex will follow. 
Wishing you all the best...


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

On a separate note, I think it's a little unfair, uncalled for, and unnecessary to attack and beat up a poster who's genuinely trying to reach out for help.

That's not what they're here for.

Try to be kind.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

"...but this is not normal for a woman your age..."

I don't even know what you're talking about, because, honestly, I didn't bother to read it, but I can guess. 

All I can say is, who are YOU to say what is "normal?" Each of us gets to decide what's "normal" for us. I think the put-downs are uncalled for.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> I'll just go ahead and say it Anon, the girl sounds like a lousy lay. Adds explanation to her prior post that he told her he's rather spank his monkey than fool with her.


my guess is she really doesn't find her husband attractive, but this has manifested in her mind as these sexual boundaries which she believes would apply to anyone

if she really found her husband attractive, she wouldn't be putting up all of these barriers to reconciling and limitations about what she can and can't do

on the other hand, if magic mike came along, I'm sure things would be quite easy and there would be no limits


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

AngelHeart888 said:


> "...but this is not normal for a woman your age..."
> 
> I don't even know what you're talking about, because, honestly, I didn't bother to read it, but I can guess.
> 
> All I can say is, who are YOU to say what is "normal?" Each of us gets to decide what's "normal" for us. I think the put-downs are uncalled for.


feel free to disregard my opinion :smile2:


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

OK, let me ask,: when was the last time you just gave him a nice back massage. I guess I understand the aversion to engaging in oral, though I don't really agree with it. If that's your boundary, so be it.

The poor guy goes from task to task to task. When he finally gets some time off from work, his "entertainment" is to just get more tasks done at home. If you want things to change in your relationship, one way is to get him to associate spending time with you as his window to true relaxation.

Even the day off you spent with him was all about him orchestrating things for the day to show he still cared about you. Great that you had a wonderful day. But, I've been in the same exact position. What he did was going through the motions to get another task (making his wife happy) checked off his to-do list.

I recognize that you're stretched thin with your existing responsibilities, but you are the one coming here and asking for help. So here's my piece of advice: Ask yourself everyday what you can do to demonstrate kindness to your husband - what unilateral actions can you take to make his day better?

The TAM posters have suggested giving him an unsolicited BJ. That's outside of your comfort zone, I guess. Did you ever think that it might be outside of hubby's comfort zone to plan a full date day for you two? Or to essentially work two work weeks every week to provide for his family? He puts in a lot of effort and has to be wondering whether his effort is worth it.

If a BJ if off the table, what else can you tangibly do to help reduce his stress / increase his enjoyment of life / marriage? A nice back massage might be a nice start. (My hunch is that a massage with a "happy ending" would be a step too far for you.)

You may reply that giving him a back massage after your long day requires too much effort. If that is the case, can you fill us in on what you would be willing to do specifically for your husband to make him feel special? You can be his oasis in a sea of stress. How do you plan on making yourself that oasis on a consistent basis?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> If a BJ if off the table, what else can you tangibly do to help reduce his stress / increase his enjoyment of life / marriage? A nice back massage might be a nice start. (My hunch is that a massage with a "happy ending" would be a step too far for you.)


Happy Ending? What's that? 

Oooooohhhhh. :surprise: Touching his thingy is yucky.


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## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> feel free to disregard my opinion :smile2:


I did. :x


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

i feel that i am a suppprting wife and appreciate what he does and how he provides. he's a great man and sexy as hell. i dont get why people are saying i am not attracted to him. i have said many times i am going to see if he is receptive to sex when i am off of my period.

no a hj is off the table. he has said he would like random bj and hj's but i just dont like them. i will also say in my defense that he has never randomly gone down on me as well. this doesnt shock me since he is grossed out by my panties as it is. hj's make my wrist sore and is quite boring as well. not to mention i am not a big fan of semen and its texture. i have let him finish on my breasts but thats as far as i will go and he has to finish it himself (pull out and finish).

i appreciate those trying to help.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

What do you mean pull out and finish?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> What do you mean pull out and finish?


he pulls out and finishes rather than inside me. if he has a condom on then i dont mind him finishing in me, but if we dont use one he always pulls out and finishes in his hand. he asked to finish on my breasts once and i let him which he said later was extremely hot. i didnt mind but was just grossed out, and that is about as extreme i would get.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I remember reading this exact same thing on tam long back. Have you posted before?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

imtamnew said:


> I remember reading this exact same thing on tam long back. Have you posted before?


This sounded really familiar to me also especially the condom use and semen being disgusting, etc. Look up thetiredmommy and dazedandconfuzed80 userids. Each starts out with similar story, very similar attitudes about sex and issues with semen and unwillingness to please husband, similar writing styles, similar progression of story to draw people in, etc. But maybe it is just coincidence or just amazingly similar sexual dysfunctions and writing styles.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

i took a look at those other 2 users and their threads and they look like they share the same mindset as myself. not sure who they are but it shows i am not alone in my situation.

i think i messed up today and feel terrible about it. my h was doing some work down in our basement and came up to ask me for help with moving a few boxes. i told him that i had to go over to my dads and help him today. he instantly had a negative attitude and with how he is will be irritated with me all day, just because i have things to do. i admit i did "sigh" very loudly but i am tired, sore, and have other things i have to do. i started eating lunch and he came back up about 20 minutes later saying "back already?" i told him i hadnt went yet and was eating but would help him after i am done helping my dad. this upset him more and he left for the day. he said this is why he wont ask for help on anything as simple as picking up sticks in the yard and stormed out. i am going to get together with some friends later, i cannot keep dealing with this passive aggressive behavior he has and takes out on me.

apparently i get in trouble for helping my dad and eating. and he wonders why we never have sex.........

in response to the question asked earlier what i do for him. i will sometimes make dinner, do the laundry, go shopping for food/household items, etc so i can contribute.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Please forgive your roommate for he does not understand the terms of your roommate agreement.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> Please forgive your roommate for he does not understand the terms of your roommate agreement.


i dont have a roomate


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i took a look at those other 2 users and their threads and they look like they share the same mindset as myself. not sure who they are but it shows i am not alone in my situation.
> 
> i think i messed up today and feel terrible about it. my h was doing some work down in our basement and came up to ask me for help with moving a few boxes. i told him that i had to go over to my dads and help him today. he instantly had a negative attitude and with how he is will be irritated with me all day, just because i have things to do. i admit i did "sigh" very loudly but i am tired, sore, and have other things i have to do. i started eating lunch and he came back up about 20 minutes later saying "back already?" i told him i hadn't went yet and was eating but would help him after i am done helping my dad. this upset him more and he left for the day. he said this is why he wont ask for help on anything as simple as picking up sticks in the yard and stormed out. i am going to get together with some friends later, i cannot keep dealing with this passive aggressive behavior he has and takes out on me.
> 
> ...


Read this think you match some of these symptoms-
Particularly

*Lack of Empathy and Shared Perspective*

Understanding where other people are coming from can be challenging for all adults, but for those with autism, it can be extremely difficult. Many individuals with autism struggle to understand the perspectives of others, and this can lead to a lack of empathy. It also makes it difficult for autistic adults to share another person's interest in a topic.

Adults with autism may notice that it is difficult to sympathize with other people and that they do not understand what others want, feel, or think. Additionally, this perspective challenge can also present a problem when it comes to humor, and autistic adults may misunderstand jokes. The lack of empathy and perspective-sharing can lead to many social problems.

By the way your husband was totally in the right. If you had time to make and eat a sandwich you could have taken the time to help him move something.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> i took a look at those other 2 users and their threads and they look like they share the same mindset as myself. not sure who they are but it shows i am not alone in my situation.
> 
> i think i messed up today and feel terrible about it. my h was doing some work down in our basement and came up to ask me for help with moving a few boxes. i told him that i had to go over to my dads and help him today. he instantly had a negative attitude and with how he is will be irritated with me all day, just because i have things to do. i admit i did "sigh" very loudly but i am tired, sore, and have other things i have to do. i started eating lunch and he came back up about 20 minutes later saying "back already?" i told him i hadnt went yet and was eating but would help him after i am done helping my dad. this upset him more and he left for the day. he said this is why he wont ask for help on anything as simple as picking up sticks in the yard and stormed out. i am going to get together with some friends later,* i cannot keep dealing with this passive aggressive behavior he has and takes out on me.*
> 
> ...


I didn't really see anything passive aggressive in what you describe here. He asked for your help, you declined to help. He got upset and explained why he doesn't ask you for help. Pretty straight forward to me.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Definitely not passive-aggressive on your H's part. His reaction seems perfectly reasonable to me.

He asked for your help. You refused, made some lame excuse and went about business that did not seem at all urgent or important. Your persistent dismissal of your H and his needs is intolerable. 

If my wife did that to me with the same regularity as you she would not have me as a husband.

I honestly don't think you understand what it means to be a mate, a wife or partner. You don't deserve marriage and you certainly don't deserve your H.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Placed last again.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

lostandhelpless said:


> i dont have a roomate


No, sorry, you are mistaken. You DO have a roommate. What you do NOT have is a husband. Or to put it more precisely, HE has a roommate and not a wife. The fact that you still have a husband is a testament to his masochism.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> No, sorry, you are mistaken. You DO have a roommate. What you do NOT have is a husband. Or to put it more precisely, HE has a roommate and not a wife. The fact that you still have a husband is a testament to his masochism.


Coming from you, that says something... LOL

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

anonmd said:


> Placed last again.


As long as he allow folks to put him last, with no more objection than pouting and a few snide remarks, he'll remain at the bottom of the totem pole. He sort of reminds me of the cat that was on here many moons ago with the rotund wife that thought he and his equipment was nasty.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> I'm sorry but I just cant have sex with someone I dont feel a close to emotionally. A lot of damage was done on both parts and trust on both sides was basically squashed. I have felt we are back to a point in our relationship where we can be intimate but he just won't initiate, or allow me to initiate when I have tried. He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


So, what did he do to break your trust. Did he have an affair as well? 

You had a EA, that is why you were not emotionally attached to your husband, you attached them to another man.

He makes advances after your EA and you basically tell him to bug off, you have no desire for him. 

You showed your husband by your actions he was not good enough for you and now your complaining he won't have sex with you.

What did you think would happen rejecting him after your EA? 

Did you want to punish him for what he did when he called your work? 

Just one more thing. Why did he stay marriage to you after you treated him this way. After forgiving you for your EA then you refusing him was a slap in the face. I would have left, plain and simple.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> OP, I think whenever there is an affair, it ultimately takes both people looking at what they contributed that allowed the affair to happen to repair the relationship.
> 
> If your husband had been someone you could have gone to talk to, about anything, in whatever way you needed to, six years ago, that EA would never have happened. You would have felt loved and supported.
> 
> ...


Have you ever blamed a woman for her actions, ever???????


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i am, and i have finally gotten him to the point where he has accepted that fact. if he gave me what i had needed i would not have been forced to go to another person for the comfort he needed to give me. i love him and want this to work, but i wish he would just get over what happened, he is the only one holding us back.



So you are blaming him for your cheating. :nono::banghead::rofl:

You and you alone are to blame for your cheating ways.

The two of you sent your marriage south but you DECIDED TO CHEAT!!!!!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> no i am not, i am saying i am the one that says he is the reason i had the ea since he did not give me the attention/affection i needed.
> 
> he is passive aggressive by holding this over my head and not moving on.


:scratchhead::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl::bsflag::bsflag:


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

[/B]


lostandhelpless said:


> Explain to me how I am passive aggressive, seems to me as expected only the women understand where I am coming from......


Only jld is agreeing with you and she thinks all men are to blame for anything or any reason. 

Marriage sucks=guys fault

Wife had an EA=guys fault

Wife had an PA=guys fault

Wife keeps cheating=guys fault

Bad hair day=guys fault

Boss got mad at me=guys fault

wife runs over cat=guys fault

I think you can understand jlb's thought process now. She will agree with any wife on here blaming her husband for what she has done.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> Again i will state that i know there has been damage on both sides, but it just seems the more i try the harder he pushes away. i do love him with all of my heart and want to make this better but he is just always so down and never wants to do anything with me. our anniversary just passed and all we did was exchanged cards and went out to dinner. he tells me he is tired and that is all. he has been working 90+ hours per week for a couple months and has been stressed about that, other personal life problems, medical issues, and of course us. i try to be there for him but he just shuts down as soon as he starts to open up. i think that many of you are right in your statements that i am better off without him. i kind of wonder if his depression is starting to take its toll on me, i’m already exhausted from work and helping my dad keep things together. 4 days per week i go over straight after work and am there doing house work, chores, shopping, etc for him until 9-10 at night. it takes a toll and i too am emotionally drained so he needs to start meeting me at the half way mark.
> 
> also, he is not on antidepressants currently so that is not effecting his libido, he simply does not want sex because he had shut down. i know his father had a history of bi-polar, depression, and anxiety. i would believe that this was inherited and unfortunately is now starting to show up, but as for the situation we are in and have been in causing it? i simply cannot believe that, being a factor to ADD to it? yes, but the sole reasoning behind it i do not see as being possible.



And again. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

No do your husband a favor and leave. Let him find someone that actually loves him. 

Love is putting the one you love needs in front of your own.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i have told him when we have brought the subject up about what i did that it was wrong, and i feel terrible every day about it, and that i will always feel horrible because of the pain i caused him. it seems that we will be okay for a couple of days or weeks following these talks and then he goes back to being down and depressed.


You have also told him he is the cause of your cheating, was not giving you what you needed so you found it some were else.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

OP said. " it has been so bad that i will be in the mood but i simply don’t act and just let it pass for fear of the rejection."

This is exactly how you made your husband feel when you were rejecting him. Hurts like hell doesn't it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> his work has gotten really bad lately to the point where he started seeing the therapist he is going to "when he has time", having chest pains, put on 60lbs, mental/emotional break downs. this cannot all be due to me can it?


YES!!!!!! It is!!!!!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

imtamnew said:


> I remember reading this exact same thing on tam long back. Have you posted before?


 @LadyOfTheLake was similar in multiple ways that could cause dejavu but they are definitely not the same poster.

Lotl didn't have an affair. She came here because her mid life sex peak hit and she suddenly got what it was like for him for many years.

She admitted to finding seemen incredibly gross and equated it to excrement.

FWIW she said she had Asberger's.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> thank you! i will certainly do my best. i'm going to ask if my h can come over and help me so i can get out of there sooner than later. its going to have to be saturday night sometime because i have plans on sunday that were made a while back to head over to a girlfriends house with a bunch of our other friends to watch magic mike :wink2: "can't wait!".
> 
> so hopefully we can get everything done tomorrow and at least go out on a date!



:wtf: :wtf: :wtf:
This is so FU. You start getting things going with your H again and you head over to your GF for MM. 

Your marriage doesn't mean SH** to you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

ABHale said:


> .
> No do your husband a favor and leave. Let him find someone that actually loves him.
> 
> Love is putting the one you love needs in front of your own.


This one is lost...

We need a plan to play the long game folks. We do get a trickle of members that clearly are the actual problem and the spouse who's not here would be best served by dumping them and finding a new person who grasps the meaning of love. 

What we need to do is play REALLY NICE. Then tell them "We can convince their spouse to see your side if you invite them here." Once they fall for it, and bring their spouse here, turn on them then.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

AngelHeart888 said:


> On a separate note, I think it's a little unfair, uncalled for, and unnecessary to attack and beat up a poster who's genuinely trying to reach out for help.
> 
> That's not what they're here for.
> 
> Try to be kind.


You must be new here 😂


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AngelHeart888 said:


> On a separate note, I think it's a little unfair, uncalled for, and unnecessary to attack and beat up a poster who's genuinely trying to reach out for help.
> 
> That's not what they're here for.
> 
> Try to be kind.


AngelHeart sometimes it also takes a 2x4 up side the head to wake some people up. They come here in a fog and can not see that their own actions are the cause. Take this tread, OP was and might be still trying to convince her husband that it as his fault she cheated. Female or male, it is never the betrayed spouses fault. They both are to blame for a poor marriage but never the cheating. 

With this being said, the marriage can never heal until the cheating spouse takes the responsibility for their own actions. Some times the truth is harsh but it is never giving out of hate by my. Just a desire for the CS to wake up before it is to late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

So let me get this straight....

(1) You have an EA
(2) He tries to reconnect with you sexually but you reject him - A LOT
(3) Now you are unhappy that he doesn't want sex with you.

It sounds like you both lost your connection and both didn't fix it. 

You need to take your share of responsibility for this....he is probably out of love with you.

You two need to rekindle or break up.




lostandhelpless said:


> Hi everyone, long time viewer and first time poster. I was hoping to get advice without posting for sake that my husband might be on this site and find my thread. Here goes......... About 6 years ago my husband and I had a very hard time, I lost my job and we had to move into my parents house since he didnt have a very good paying job at the time and was going to school part time while working full time. We fought often and just grew apart due to fighting, and lack of communication. He would get mad at me to the point where we just could not sit down and have a conversation about anything. This lead me to feel unappreciated, and gave me the sensation that I needed to "tread lightly" when around him. I started venting to a co-worker/friend which unfortunately turned into an ea. It never escalated past this point and was purely an ea. My husband found out and was understandably furious which in turn made me shut down even more. I felt hurt and violated that he went into my cell phone and read my text, and like I had no idea what he would do next. I began to shut down and distance myself from him due to this. He called my work and told my boss that I was being sexually harassed by my co-worker and I went hysterical. I told him that my job was in jeopardy over something so childish and that he HAD to cancel the complaint which he did the very next morning. We ended up going to marriage counseling which seemed to help, but he would keep bringing the subject up and I over time have learned to listen to him since he told me that he needed to talk about it to get past it. I have learned to listen and understand the pain I caused him which I do feel terrible about. As time went on we decided to try and reconcile and as result he would try to make sexual advances towards me and tried telling me that was how he needed to bond with me. I had zero interest in being sexual at that time and told him it would take a while before we would get to that point in our realationship again and I needed to feel emotionally attached to him again before we could get to that point but he would keep advancing, sometimes multiple times per day. This got so old that I just told him no because the more he tried the less I wanted it even though I already didn't want it. As time kept going he initiated less and less, and less until fast forward to today where he shows absolutely zero interest in me. We never do anything together anymore, he never initiates at all, and we have sex maybe 3 times per year and that is ALOT if we do. NEVER more than once per month though, and it's usually every 5-6 months. I have gotten to the point where I won't even advance to try and initiate because I know he will have an excuse like work, not in the mood, or tired. We had a talk about our sex life, or lack thereof a few months ago and he said he just doesn't feel a need for it anymore and if he gets horny he will just masturbate and get on with life. It hurts to feel so undesired by my husband and I really want our sex life to get back on track but have no idea what to do to get it there. I feel unattractive, unsexy, and feel like I am married to a roomate more than a husband but I love him and will not leave him. Please do not tell me to leave like I have seen on other threads, I want real advice to help me get that spark back in our life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

john117 said:


> You must be new here &#55357;&#56834;


No one is beating up on OP, truth is a good thing and she needs a hell of a lot of it. Her perspective is really askew.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> He has depression as well now which he and his therapist claim stems from the issues we were having. I find that hard to believe since you cannot make or give someone depression.


Wow. You need to look around and find a workshop on how to start having empathy. I don't see an ounce of remorse in you. Sure, you cheated, but it was HIS fault! Sure you got mad at him for discovering your affair, but he shouldn't have been snooping! It's all HIS fault! Now that you've 'decided' to stay together - well, aren't you doing HIM a favor? - you wouldn't have sex with him because you 'weren't feeling it' and that was all because of how he treated you, so it's all HIS fault! And now that he's given up on you and realizes you don't love him, are just using him, and HE isn't attracted, he should just get over what you did, so it's all HIS fault! And depression, are you kidding me? How dare he state that he wouldn't be depressed if it weren't for what you did? And anyway, depression is a myth - he should just decide to stop being depressed, since, you know, you couldn't possibly have been the cause of his depression since, you know, you can't GIVE someone depression - it's all on him. Of course it is, since all of this is all HIS fault!

Sheesh.

ETA: by the way, woman here. It is NOT a male/female thing. It's a selfish/caring thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Wow. You need to look around and find a workshop on how to start having empathy. I don't see an ounce of remorse in you. Sure, you cheated, but it was HIS fault! Sure you got mad at him for discovering your affair, but he shouldn't have been snooping! It's all HIS fault! Now that you've 'decided' to stay together - well, aren't you doing HIM a favor? - you wouldn't have sex with him because you 'weren't feeling it' and that was all because of how he treated you, so it's all HIS fault! And now that he's given up on you and realizes you don't love him, are just using him, and HE isn't attracted, he should just get over what you did, so it's all HIS fault! And depression, are you kidding me? How dare he state that he wouldn't be depressed if it weren't for what you did? And anyway, depression is a myth - he should just decide to stop being depressed, since, you know, you couldn't possibly have been the cause of his depression since, you know, you can't GIVE someone depression - it's all on him. Of course it is, since all of this is all HIS fault!
> 
> Sheesh.
> 
> ETA: by the way, woman here. It is NOT a male/female thing. It's a selfish/caring thing.



Turnera2 you are my hero. 😏
You go girl...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

turnera2 said:


> And depression, are you kidding me? How dare he state that he wouldn't be depressed if it weren't for what you did? And anyway, depression is a myth - he should just decide to stop being depressed, since, you know, you couldn't possibly have been the cause of his depression since, you know, you can't GIVE someone depression - it's all on him. Of course it is, since all of this is all HIS fault!


You post made me think of this:










PS, I'm annoyed I can only like your post once.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I haven't read beyond the first page, but OP it sounds like after the "reconciliation" you really shot him down, which he likely, and rightly, interpreted that you only wanted a business arrangement with no sex or intimacy. Considering he stuck around for it, it sounds like he came to accept the terms of the agreement and is holding to his end of the bargain. If you really want sex and intimacy in your marriage you better find out if that's something he's willing to want as well, with you specifically, because unless you both want the same thing you will not find any fulfillment in this relationship anymore.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Her old man maybe just hoping by his nonchalant/lack of interest, she will fold up her tent and leave, thus keeping his hands clean. Why would he want to continue on with this substandard relationship with this insufferable woman? You know he'd feel relief if she simply hit the trail.
At any rate, giving her advice is a waste of effort. She doen't want to hear that she needs to change.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Just finished reading the entire thread. OP you can't be for real, but if you are he's the only explanation I can see through this (I'm generally pretty good at seeing explanations): 1) he doesn't trust you. Let me refine that statement, he trusts that any sexual advance he makes will actually cause him more hurt than anything. 2) you are not sexually attracted to him, you don't want to have sex with him, you want him to play with your breasts and pleasure you - if you are not worshiping his manhood, then why would he feel right about inflicting it upon you? He tried that in the past and you proved that you were not sexually attracted to what he has to offer. You say you find him very sexy, but does that include physically and lustfully? Or is it just that he takes good care of things he is responsible for and is a good provider? Either way he is shut down already and he will never start it back up for you because so much has happened to prove he is right about you not wanting to pleasure him and only him completely and thoroughly, that any attempts you make to would only come across as disingenuous, because from what I have read they are. I think your only solution is to do what he has done and seek self-pleasure as your sexual outlet for the duration of the marriage, and accept any cuddles and breast fondling that may happen to come your way as the gift they are.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

ABHale said:


> :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:
> This is so FU. You start getting things going with your H again and you head over to your GF for MM.
> 
> Your marriage doesn't mean SH** to you.


It's obvious that this whole thing is fake. The person is fake, the story is fake.
This person is just trolling us for attention.
Admins should definitely cross reference the IP for another member. This has to be a fake account.
Lock this thread and move on.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> It's obvious that this whole thing is fake. The person is fake, the story is fake.
> This person is just trolling us for attention.
> Admins should definitely cross reference the IP for another member. This has to be a fake account.
> Lock this thread and move on.


yes, you are correct. i am fake, and my problems are fake. just because you didn't have these issues in your life doesnt mean they dont happen and can't. you are WRONG for saying otherwise and need to stay out of my posts if you are trying to spread negativity.

everything came to a head thursday apparently when my h came home to find me cleaning up and getting ready to go out. he had asked me earlier in the week if i had plans thursday and i said not that i knew of. well my dad asked me to come over and take him out to get some exercise and fresh air. i told him, sure not a problem at all and my h wanted some help with more yard work and finishing our deck. i told him that i had to go over and get my dad out for some exercise and air. he yet again blew up saying he is tired of not even being able to plan an evening with me and that every time i ask to help with something i run off with my parents or friends. he ended up leaving and when i came home he had left a letter saying he is seeing an attorney monday and filing for divorce. i'm thinking that jld is right and that he is holding me back from helping my dad, and just being happier. this will all end up for the best for both of us, it will just take time to get through........

but i want to thank those that have been supportive to me through this whole ordeal as it has been very hard on me....


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Slow down there and try to see it from his perspective. Looking at your post what I see is...

He asked if you had anything planned for Thursday. Sounds like an odd question to me. Maybe it means he had planned a surprise for you two.

You decided to go see your dad without letting H know, especially annoying if you should have guessed H had plans.

You told H you "had to" go over, in other words, H is low priority, dad is your number 1. If the two priorities were equal you would consult as an equal. If H was number 1 you would ask if he is OK with you to tending to a lower priority task.

He left and I read nothing about you clinging to him or calling dad to cancel, or even being worried, instead you calmly go on with your preferred plan. It almost reads like "good he is out of the way now".

I look at marriage from a biblical perspective, especially Genesis 2:24 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." Even if I was not a Christian I would still see this as true, marriage is HARD, it takes two people who are both absolutely committed to it, as their number one priority. 

You will always be your fathers daughter, but your marriage must come first.

Sadly, I think jld is right, your H and marriage are holding you back from being happy working on your number 1 priority.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Good for him. It's apparent that your "Me Me Me" attitude is set in stone. 

Now you can focus on who you love the most, yourself. 

And he can find someone who will love and respect him.

So it's a win win for all involved.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> yes, you are correct. i am fake, and my problems are fake. just because you didn't have these issues in your life doesnt mean they dont happen and can't. you are WRONG for saying otherwise and need to stay out of my posts if you are trying to spread negativity.
> 
> everything came to a head thursday apparently when my h came home to find me cleaning up and getting ready to go out. he had asked me earlier in the week if i had plans thursday and i said not that i knew of. well my dad asked me to come over and take him out to get some exercise and fresh air. i told him, sure not a problem at all and my h wanted some help with more yard work and finishing our deck. i told him that i had to go over and get my dad out for some exercise and air. he yet again blew up saying he is tired of not even being able to plan an evening with me and that every time i ask to help with something i run off with my parents or friends. he ended up leaving and when i came home he had left a letter saying he is seeing an attorney monday and filing for divorce. i'm thinking that jld is right and that he is holding me back from helping my dad, and just being happier. this will all end up for the best for both of us, it will just take time to get through........
> 
> but i want to thank those that have been supportive to me through this whole ordeal as it has been very hard on me....


This is almost funny it's so pathetic. Well jid gives the best advice on here so good that you follow it. All in all I am really happy for your husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NotEasy said:


> Slow down there and try to see it from his perspective. Looking at your post what I see is...
> 
> He asked if you had anything planned for Thursday. Sounds like an odd question to me. Maybe it means he had planned a surprise for you two.
> 
> ...


Please read this whole thread, this woman is lost and a completely selfish awful spouse.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Please read this whole thread, this woman is lost and a completely selfish awful spouse.


I have read the whole thread and agree she is lost in her selfishness. 

Reading my post I might re-word the last paragraph to something like
"Sadly, I think jld is right, *you think* your H and marriage are holding you back from being happy working on your number 1 priority." 
And in case it isn't obvious, I think her priorities order as 
- herself, 
- dad, 
- girlfriends,
other important stuff
... , 
- H and marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Please don't take all his money in the divorce. Be fair and reasonable with him.


Does she strike you a fair and reasonable. The good thing is if she is going to take all his money maybe he won't work so hard.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She was never invested in her marriage. She had a affair and blamed her husband. Of course it is all his fault, OP NEVER GAVE ONE CENT FOR THE MARRIAGE..

Heck she went to watch Magic Mike instead of trying to fix the marriage the other weekend when they finally started to connect. She has shown in each post of hers where her husband stands with her, DEAD EFIN LAST...

I hope the best for him, he deserves to find happiness in someone else.

As for you OP, you need to do a lot of growing up before you try again. Hope the best for you but this is your doing, until you realize this you will never have a lasting relationship.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Posters,

Can we please stop calling people fakes and trolls without real evidence?

If the stories sound similar it's likely because the major parts of an affair and the stages end up being remarkably similar.

There is nothing all that unbelievable about this story, and you can't expect someone who has been in an affair or suffered a spouses affair to be exactly right with all the details. 

Tamat


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Posters,
> 
> 
> There is nothing all that unbelievable about this story, ...
> Tamat


I have to disagree. The OP's complete and utter lack of acknowledgement of her complicity in all of their problems is quite unbelieveable. Sad actually.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow I read this while pitiful thread instead of working like I should have.

OP PLEASE consider getting yourself tested to see if you are "on the spectrum" as they now say.

Your rigid thinking and lack of understanding about what your H is thinking and misunderstanding what people here are telling you indicates - to me at least - that there is a good possibility that you have done sort of neurological processing issue.

This is not an attempt to berate or insult you - I have a strange neurological condition myself - but it might teach you to respond better to others and your H.

The spectrum is now recognized as a number of different thought, verbal, aural, spacial, emotional etc processing issues. By getting tested, a psychologist can help pinpoint where your processing issues exist - if they exist - and can work with you on strategies to "go around" these processes or pathways.

I'm no expert but a very close person to me works with special needs children and I find it interesting to hear about the advances that have been made in understanding and dealing with the issues.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lainey22 (Jul 7, 2016)

I wish my husband would make passes like that to me as much as he did for you. I don't think that was right for you to do that do him. Even if you didn't want to, I think it's selfish for you to of held off like that for so long. Honestly it sounds like he could be cheating on you. A guy does not have a sex drive like that and then just decide he's ok with masterbating all the time when you finally come around. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk all of that **** out! Be ready for the worst and don't over react. If you want to get back on the same page, the best thing would be to lay it all out there and start a new chapter.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wow I read this while pitiful thread instead of working like I should have.
> 
> OP PLEASE consider getting yourself tested to see if you are "on the spectrum" as they now say.
> 
> ...


This was my thoughts exactly if you read my earlier posts. I also am very close to someone who works with special needs kids. She really fits the profile.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

just wanted to provide a quick update. i moved out over the the last week into my dads house and have been in contact with a few attorneys in the area. i was hoping to get the house, car, and alimony from him but its looking like that may not happen at all because i was stupid and posted our problems on facebook. people started asking questions and i simply told them that he was not a caring or supportive husband and we have decided to split.

apparently he took it upon himself to let all of my family/friends know what happened which is such an ******* move to do. i ended up posting on his page and he sent that to his attorney and is now calling it harassment, emotional abuse, emotional stress, and is also getting his therapist to write up a statement that our issues have caused him grief at work due to his mental status for the last few years.

i am so mad that he is doing this to me. he will end up leaving me with nothing if this all goes according to how it is sounding. i dont know what to do at this point. i cannot afford to live on my own, and cannot believe he has turned into this selfish person that i cannot believe i was ever attracted to.

i am disgusted......


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I hope it works out that way for him. He deserves not to be financially crushed by you after all you've done and not done.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

anonmd said:


> I hope it works out that way for him. He deserves not to be financially crushed by you after all you've done and not done.


you are a horrible person for wishing what i am going through on anyone. he neglected me and now is about to financially ruin me and all you can do is encourage him?

jld, any advice? where are you when i need you?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Maybe you will learn a lesson in all of this, although I am admittedly skeptical.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I really enjoyed reading your post.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

lostandhelpless said:


> you are a horrible person for wishing what i am going through on anyone. he neglected me and now is about to financially ruin me and all you can do is encourage him?
> 
> jld, any advice? where are you when i need you?


I sincerely hope your stbxh leaves you with nothing but your little crummy job. Unfortunately this kind of attitude is very common with women from my personal experience. This is the exact reason I have chosen to remain celibate and no longer engage in any type of relationship with a woman other that professionally at work. You are disgusting as a human. And women for the most part are self-centered, selfish creatures.

Send your stbxh here so we can give him guidance.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I sincerely hope your stbxh leaves you with nothing but your little crummy job. Unfortunately this kind of attitude is very common with women from my personal experience. This is the exact reason I have chosen to remain celibate and no longer engage in any type of relationship with a woman other that professionally at work. You are disgusting as a human. And women for the most part are self-centered, selfish creatures.
> 
> Send your stbxh here so we can give him guidance.


this is the normal response i would have expected from a man. sounds to me like you are the same as my h. you sound weak, and full of hate.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Did your husband push you into making that response? I mean, everything is his fault, and you are just a poor victim. I hope your EA partner looks forward to all the BJs he won't be getting....


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> Did your husband push you into making that response? I mean, everything is his fault, and you are just a poor victim. I hope your EA partner looks forward to all the BJs he won't be getting....


i am no longer talking to him, that stopped a while ago.

like i said before, those are for younger people that date, so if/when i start dating again, it's possible while dating.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

You are great, I don't believe you are a real person, but if you were, WHAT A CATCH!

Maybe you forgot that caring about what the woman thinks is for dating as well.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> You are great, I don't believe you are a real person, but if you were, WHAT A CATCH!
> 
> Maybe you forgot that caring about what the woman thinks is for dating as well.


thats your opinion. again i will say, just because this hasn't happened in your fairy tale filled life doesn't mean it cant happen to others. you people that doubt are real pieces of work. things DO happen outside of your lives that are REAL issues such as mine.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

We all have issues. You just choose to not own any of yours. You are 'lost and helpless' like a little baby that has the appearance of a full grown woman.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Let me help - @jld

That should catch her attention.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

the latest episode is interesting

apparently, you get to badmouth him on facebook, but he's not allowed to say anything about you

you're free to ignore his basic needs for years, but even when you will no longer be married to him, you still expect him to support you financially

there are ways to split up where you don't have to be enemies

you seem determined to keep playing the same game though where it is always about what's best for you, regardless of the consequences on him

unfortunately for you, he now seems to be adopting this strategy as well

do unto others...


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> the latest episode is interesting
> 
> apparently, you get to badmouth him on facebook, but he's not allowed to say anything about you
> 
> ...


all i can say is what goes around comes around, someday he will get his for doing this to me.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> all i can say is what goes around comes around, someday he will get his for doing this to me.



what is he doing to you exactly?

it appears that he's simply moving on from a failed married and trying to keep as much of the resources that he earns as possible.

he's not doing this "to you." He's doing this "for him."


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> just wanted to provide a quick update. i moved out over the the last week into my dads house and have been in contact with a few attorneys in the area. i was hoping to get the house, car, and alimony from him but its looking like that may not happen at all because i was stupid and posted our problems on facebook. people started asking questions and i simply told them that he was not a caring or supportive husband and we have decided to split.
> 
> apparently he took it upon himself to let all of my family/friends know what happened which is such an ******* move to do. i ended up posting on his page and he sent that to his attorney and is now calling it harassment, emotional abuse, emotional stress, and is also getting his therapist to write up a statement that our issues have caused him grief at work due to his mental status for the last few years.
> 
> ...


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> you are a horrible person for wishing what i am going through on anyone. he neglected me and now is about to financially ruin me and all you can do is encourage him?
> 
> jld, any advice? where are you when i need you?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> all i can say is what goes around comes around, someday he will get his for doing this to me.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> this is the normal response i would have expected from a man. sounds to me like you are the same as my h. you sound weak, and full of hate.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> what is he doing to you exactly?
> 
> it appears that he's simply moving on from a failed married and trying to keep as much of the resources that he earns as possible.
> 
> he's not doing this "to you." He's doing this "for him."


he told my friends and family about what happened and most of my friends now have either changed their view of me or have completely disowned me. my family is extremely disappointed in me as well. and to top it all off he is not only divorcing me but is trying to sue me for what i "put him through" mind you he is the one that would not have sex with me hardly ever.

my attorney says its not looking like a good chance i will get anything out of this so he is leaving me broke, homeless, and with no car, as the car i had was in his name. to top that off, he is trying to use this anxiety/depression excuse to milk what he can out of this situation.

he is just a very mean person to do this to me.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> he told my friends and family about what happened and most of my friends now have either changed their view of me or have completely disowned me. my family is extremely disappointed in me as well. and to top it all off he is not only divorcing me but is trying to sue me for what i "put him through" mind you he is the one that would not have sex with me hardly ever.
> 
> my attorney says its not looking like a good chance i will get anything out of this so he is leaving me broke, homeless, and with no car, as the car i had was in his name. to top that off, he is trying to use this anxiety/depression excuse to milk what he can out of this situation.
> 
> he is just a very mean person to do this to me.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> he told my friends and family about what happened and most of my friends now have either changed their view of me or have completely disowned me. my family is extremely disappointed in me as well. and to top it all off he is not only divorcing me but is trying to sue me for what i "put him through" mind you he is the one that would not have sex with me hardly ever.


is he telling the truth? if so, why are you ashamed of what you did?

also, it seems to me you started this by giving your social circle a false story. he's simply correcting the record.



lostandhelpless said:


> my attorney says its not looking like a good chance i will get anything out of this so he is leaving me broke, homeless, and with no car, as the car i had was in his name. to top that off, he is trying to use this anxiety/depression excuse to milk what he can out of this situation.


why does he owe you a house, car, etc if he's no longer married to you.

can't you make your own money?



lostandhelpless said:


> he is just a very mean person to do this to me.


again, a different perspective is that he's not doing anything to you. he's just doing what's best for him.

you made a lot of your own decisions that resulted in this. 

as recently as a couple of weeks ago, he was trying to reconcile with you, but you didn't take that very seriously.

there's an opportunity here for you to reflect on your own decision making process and how it led you to this result you don't like.

I would bet you could probably drive this in a totally different (and better) direction for you if you're willing to take ownership of how you screwed up, but that would require taking a break from blaming your husband


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> is he telling the truth? if so, why are you ashamed of what you did?
> 
> also, it seems to me you started this by giving your social circle a false story. he's simply correcting the record.
> 
> ...


i do make my own money but not enough to live on my own which is why i moved in with my dad. i only make in the mid 20k range and there are no jobs in the area, and now that he has taken my car i have no way to get to work except for public transit which will take a good chunk of my hard earned money.

i just feel that if he was a true man he would at least let me keep the car rather than take me for everything i have after he neglected me sexually for the last year. it seems like he did this all as part of of a larger plan to make me look bad to everyone i value in my life. he did not have to tell everyone what happened, he could have just left it as it was like a mature grown adult would have.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> i do make my own money but not enough to live on my own which is why i moved in with my dad. i only make in the mid 20k range and there are no jobs in the area, and now that he has taken my car i have no way to get to work except for public transit which will take a good chunk of my hard earned money.
> 
> i just feel that if he was a true man he would at least let me keep the car rather than take me for everything i have after he neglected me sexually for the last year. it seems like he did this all as part of of a larger plan to make me look bad to everyone i value in my life. he did not have to tell everyone what happened, he could have just left it as it was like a mature grown adult would have.


OK, I realize this situation is not what you'd prefer.

But let's break this down:

1. is it his fault that you only make $20k and there are no better jobs available to you? isn't this the result of your life choices?

2. is it really YOUR car? did YOU pay for it? is YOUR name on the title? if not, why do you think it's yours?

3. did you refrain from "telling everyone what happened," or did you make up a story to make you look better and him worse? if you didn't keep your mouth shut about your relationship, why would you expect him to do that?

4. "he neglected me sexually" -- we've already been over this one. tit for tat. was it wrong when you did it to him?

the point of all this is that you aren't taking responsibility for your own choices.

life is going to get a lot tougher for you when you don't have him to blame anymore.

you're going to need to step up soon either way, so why not start doing it now when it could make a difference in which way the divorce goes?

your divorce could be a total sh-tshow that leaves you literally bankrupt or you could show a little humility and work out a compromise. 

it's really up to you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> i do make my own money but not enough to live on my own which is why i moved in with my dad. i only make in the mid 20k range and there are no jobs in the area, and now that he has taken my car i have no way to get to work except for public transit which will take a good chunk of my hard earned money.
> 
> i just feel that if he was a true man he would at least let me keep the car rather than take me for everything i have after he neglected me sexually for the last year. it seems like he did this all as part of of a larger plan to make me look bad to everyone i value in my life. he did not have to tell everyone what happened, he could have just left it as it was like a mature grown adult would have.


Many "mature" adults would have told everyone right after it happened. You need to move on now, he is not coming back, this is your life now. Learn to love it. :wink2:


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> OK, I realize this situation is not what you'd prefer.
> 
> But let's break this down:
> 
> ...


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Many "mature" adults would have told everyone right after it happened. You need to move on now, he is not coming back, this is your life now. Learn to love it. :wink2:


why would i want someone so hateful and mean back? i just want him to pay for the pain he has caused me in this last year.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I bet you could get the car from him if all you did was sincerely apologize for the mistakes you made.

he didn't ruin your reputation. you ruined your own reputation by cheating on your husband. he did you a favor by not revealing it up to now.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Send him a link to this thread.

So he knows what we feel about him and you.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Wait, OP had just an EA correct? 
While I will say that there is a slight tendency of selfishness on her side but her husbands behaviour is just as bad. 
She had an EA & confessed & tried to work things out but he did refuse to participate. 
His actions to leave her with little speaks volumes. 
Both parties ended up being toxic to each other. 
Neither of them are saints. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> I bet you could get the car from him if all you did was sincerely apologize for the mistakes you made.
> 
> he didn't ruin your reputation. you ruined your own reputation by cheating on your husband. he did you a favor by not revealing it up to now.


the ******* already went to the dealership and traded it and his old vehicle in for a new bmw he has wanted for a while since they were both paid for.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Wait, OP had just an EA correct?
> While I will say that there is a slight tendency of selfishness on her side but her husbands behaviour is just as bad.
> She had an EA & confessed & tried to work things out but he did refuse to participate.
> His actions to leave her with little speaks volumes.
> ...


thank you, i will admit that i made mistakes but what he is doing is just hateful and wrong.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> the ******* already went to the dealership and traded it and his old vehicle in for a new bmw he has wanted for a while since they were both paid for.


Of course he did. Although a Porsche would have been more appropriate...those guys are real a-holes. :wink2:

Thank you L&H you've gotten me through the Summer doldrums.

I am entertained.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Tron said:


> Of course he did. Although a Porsche would have been more appropriate...those guys are real a-holes. :wink2:
> 
> Thank you L&H you've gotten me through the Summer doldrums.
> 
> I am entertained.


This may be the best thread going now.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Tron said:


> Of course he did. Although a Porsche would have been more appropriate...those guys are real a-holes. :wink2:
> 
> Thank you L&H you've gotten me through the Summer doldrums.
> 
> I am entertained.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


>


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

lostandhelpless said:


> all i can say is what goes around comes around, someday he will get his for doing this to me.


Did you ever stop to think that perhaps this is what is happening to you now? In other words, you are getting what is coming to you for what you did to your husband?


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

karole said:


> Did you ever stop to think that perhaps this is what is happening to you now? In other words, you are getting what is coming to you for what you did to your husband?


pretty sure that happened when he held out sex from me for the last year, this is just him being hateful.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

and i'm glad my misfortune and hurt can be so entertaining to you other people. why not get off this site if that's all you are here to do. i am looking for support and you are being very disrespectful and finding joy in another person's anguish. seems like some of you might have some mental disorders.....


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Tron said:


> Of course he did. Although a Porsche would have been more appropriate...those guys are real a-holes. :wink2:
> 
> Thank you L&H you've gotten me through the Summer doldrums.
> 
> I am entertained.



Damn Tron, you are on a roll today!! (And I agree 100%)


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> and i'm glad my misfortune and hurt can be so entertaining to you other people. why not get off this site if that's all you are here to do. i am looking for support and you are being very disrespectful and finding joy in another person's anguish. seems like some of you might have some mental disorders.....


I am certifiably


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tron said:


> I am certifiably


i can agree that you are, you are apparently a troll.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> i can agree that you are, *you are apparently a troll.*


Ouch! 

Now you did it! 










And you had only been back from Siberia for one day too.


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## lostandhelpless (Jun 13, 2016)

Tron said:


> Ouch!
> 
> Now you did it!
> 
> ...


that makes no sense, but it's funny, lol


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Divorce=win for soon to be ex husband.

...and also allows op to also be constantly available for the care of her dad....so I suppose a win win.

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

l&h, do you not understand why people aren't feeling sorry for you? Do you not realize what you did was wrong, NO MATTER WHAT you claim he did to you?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

lostandhelpless said:


> nobody needed to know the details of *what the cause of this was*, but he was an ******* and ruined my reputation.


This proves that deep down you know the truth of the situation you find yourself in. If]you had valued your reputation you wouldn't be here now.

Genuinely, for your own sake, stop wasting anymore of your energy blaming your husband.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

ALL,
The next person who mocks or ridicules L&H will be banned. 

I am genuinely disappointed to see people treating someone in her situation so badly. I don't care how she arrived at this place in her life. 

As far as her husband is concerned - it is ok to divorce. But a whole different ballgame to scorch the earth and salt it. Their friends didn't need to know anything other than: irreconcilable differences 





lostandhelpless said:


> and i'm glad my misfortune and hurt can be so entertaining to you other people. why not get off this site if that's all you are here to do. i am looking for support and you are being very disrespectful and finding joy in another person's anguish. seems like some of you might have some mental disorders.....


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Removed due to warning....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> ALL,
> The next person who mocks or ridicules L&H will be banned.
> 
> I am genuinely disappointed to see people treating someone in her situation so badly. I don't care how she arrived at this place in her life.
> ...


This presumes one taking the high road, and while my choice would be to always take that route, I know many people don't.

There is some truth to people attracting certain types of other people based on their own attitudes and behaviors, and given some of the things expressed on this thread, I am not all together surprised that she has the type of husband that she does.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> Wait, OP had just an EA correct?
> While I will say that there is a slight tendency of selfishness on her side but her husbands behaviour is just as bad.
> She had an EA & confessed & tried to work things out but he did refuse to participate.
> His actions to leave her with little speaks volumes.
> ...


Mrs Aldi - JUST an EA? My husband had an EA, I had a one night stand. I would've rathered my husband had a ONS than give his emotions to another woman for 10 years instead of being all mine. I've forgiven my husband and were working through it. But it's VERY hard knowing my husband gave the emotions Id always craved from him to another woman. EAs are just as destructive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> Wait, OP had just an EA correct?
> While I will say that there is a slight tendency of selfishness on her side but her husbands behaviour is just as bad.
> She had an EA & confessed & tried to work things out but he did refuse to participate.
> His actions to leave her with little speaks volumes.
> ...





LosingHim said:


> Mrs Aldi - JUST an EA? My husband had an EA, I had a one night stand. I would've rathered my husband had a ONS than give his emotions to another woman for 10 years instead of being all mine. I've forgiven my husband and were working through it. But it's VERY hard knowing my husband gave the emotions Id always craved from him to another woman. EAs are just as destructive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also, lets not forget, she had an EA which in itself was bad enough. They eventually went to counseling in which she then proceeded to REJECT him sexually to the point where he stopped trying. Now she is seemingly upset b/c she wants to restart their sexual life and he has no interest.

So ... EA ... followed by rejecting husband ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> the ******* already went to the dealership and traded it and his old vehicle in for a new bmw he has wanted for a while since they were both paid for.


>


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lostandhelpless said:


> just wanted to provide a quick update. i moved out over the the last week into my dads house and have been in contact with a few attorneys in the area. *i was hoping to get the house, car, and alimony from him *but its looking like that may not happen at all because i was stupid and posted our problems on facebook. people started asking questions and i simply told them that he was not a caring or supportive husband and we have decided to split.
> 
> apparently he took it upon himself to let all of my family/friends know what happened which is such an ******* move to do. i ended up posting on his page and he sent that to his attorney and is now calling it harassment, emotional abuse, emotional stress, and is also getting his therapist to write up a statement that our issues have caused him grief at work due to his mental status for the last few years.
> 
> ...


Selfish? What makes you entitled to the car, house, and alimony?

You're entitled to what the law says you're entitled to. Chances are that it will be more than nothing and less than everything.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> Mrs Aldi - JUST an EA? My husband had an EA, I had a one night stand. I would've rathered my husband had a ONS than give his emotions to another woman for 10 years instead of being all mine. I've forgiven my husband and were working through it. But it's VERY hard knowing my husband gave the emotions Id always craved from him to another woman. EAs are just as destructive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not excusing any cheating EA or PA. 
My point was she was getting ridiculed by others for having an EA & yes I know there was rejection on both parts. 
I don't understand why certain posters are ridiculed & certain other posters who have EAs/PAs are treated more kindly on this forum. 
She's getting all the blame but I'm not sure her husband is an angel.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm not excusing any cheating EA or PA.
> My point was she was getting ridiculed by others for having an EA & yes I know there was rejection on both parts.
> I don't understand why certain posters are ridiculed & certain other posters who have EAs/PAs are treated more kindly on this forum.
> She's getting all the blame but I'm not sure her husband is an angel.


I can't speak for others, but the EA is almost the least of it for me. She hasn't shown one ounce of empathy for her husband for any of this, including cutting him off sexually for who knows how long, then wondering why he won't initiate sex when he's gotten to the point of not seeing his wife as a sexual being out of 1) self-preservation, and 2) maybe not wanting to have sex with someone who views his penis as some yucky thing she can barely tolerate.

Yeah, what's his problem?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It is the attitude Mrs. A. as well as no effort at all to understand what anyone was saying to her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm not excusing any cheating EA or PA.
> My point was she was getting ridiculed by others for having an EA & yes I know there was rejection on both parts.
> I don't understand why certain posters are ridiculed & certain other posters who have EAs/PAs are treated more kindly on this forum.
> She's getting all the blame but I'm not sure her husband is an angel.
> ...




Look closely at how people who are remorseful and who take responsibility are treated compared to those who have no remorse, empathy or responsibility.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please note that lostandhelpless and helpthisguy86 have been banned.

You have been trolled.

ETA: I agree with MEM. The treatment of L&H on this thread is just wrong. If you think someone is a troll, report the thread and then leave it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Look closely at how people who are remorseful and who take responsibility are treated compared to those who have no remorse, empathy or responsibility.


It's all fake. You cannot derive anything from a fake story.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You have been trolled.


I'm shocked, SHOCKED.

What kinda outfit are youse guys running here, anyways?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Crap! Weird how can someone make this stuff up!


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I just spent the last hour and a half of my life reading this post and it was a troll? 

Damn it man......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It's all fake. You cannot derive anything from a fake story.


Nailed it that this person was a troll, pretty obvious, especially when he/she then posted in the other thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

There have been an absolute plethora of first posters lately with barely believable story's.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't know why people always fall for these kinda threads. Seemed horribly obvious to me from the start that it was a troll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can't wait until school starts back up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well duh.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

I was wondering, there were too many similarities in their stories. 

So, do we still have to be nice to them? 

Cause working people up with triggery posts is really crappy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Vulcan2013 said:


> I was wondering, there were too many similarities in their stories.
> 
> So, do we still have to be nice to them?
> 
> Cause working people up with triggery posts is really crappy.


I wasn't nice to her when I thought she was real. 0


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lostandhelpless said:


> all i can say is what goes around comes around, someday he will get his for doing this to me.


He will get someone that actually loves him.......


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Wait, OP had just an EA correct?
> While I will say that there is a slight tendency of selfishness on her side but her husbands behaviour is just as bad.
> She had an EA & confessed & tried to work things out but he did refuse to participate.
> His actions to leave her with little speaks volumes.
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:



:soapbox::rules::rant::slap:


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

It's not just a zombie thread - it's a zombie troll thread! 
@EllisRedding: need an (in)appropriate meme.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Vulcan2013 said:


> It's not just a zombie thread - it's a zombie troll thread!
> 
> @EllisRedding: need an (in)appropriate meme.


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