# Struggling with this decision



## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

Sorry in advance for this being long, but I could really use some impartial advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, together for six years before that, since I was 16. We have always had a pretty chaotic relationship. We lived together before we were married and fought a lot even then. I would go back to my mom's for a few days or couple weeks, and then he would call and I would go back. After we were married, things didn’t get any better. He was in an accident less than a year after the wedding and has not worked since because he says his neck and back hurt too much, so my income has been the only one the entire marriage. There was one point where I was working two full-time jobs and many times where I have worked a full-time and part-time job at the same time. He never helped around the house, didn’t cook, and pretty much didn’t do much of anything other than play video games and order me around as his personal servant. He would insist that I come home on my 30 minute lunch break from work to feed him lunch even though it took 10 minutes each way just to drive home. When we moved even farther than that, he would just starve all day and then blame me because he wasn’t eating anything. When my mother was sick, he was so unsupportive. I was taking her to chemo and doctor's appointments in the city, and he would constantly call and be pissed off because I was taking too long to get home and he was hungry. When she really started getting worse, I came in the bedroom one night really upset and crying. I just wanted someone to comfort me, and all he said was, "She's had cancer for five years. What did you think was going to happen? You would think you would be more prepared for this". He has left me various places, left me at work to walk 7 miles home at 1:00 in the morning in a skirt and heels. He locked me out of the house in the middle of winter, knowing I had no money to go anywhere and had to sleep on the deck in the cold. Things have gotten physical occasionally in the past, the last time to the point where he strangled me. His fingermarks were actually bruised into my neck. I left that night, but went back when he threatened to throw my mother's ashes away. He has told pretty much all of our friends that I am crazy and have been diagnosed bipolar, which isn’t even true. I went to a psychiatrist once at his insistence, and her impression was PMDD (which is basically severe PMS). At one point, I wasn’t allowed to carry any money or bank cards. I had to ask him for money if I needed anything even though the money was from my pay. 

Last year, I left him. My dad had given me a little money and I used it to secure an apartment. I left while he was out with a friend. He had no clue I was leaving. I should have blocked all contact, but I didn’t. He called me constantly saying he had had a revelation and knew how wrong he had been and wanted another chance. I kept telling him no, until he said he was going to sue me for alimony in the divorce, and the lawyer I had said there was a good chance he would get it, possibly even lifetime alimony, since I had been supporting him the entire marriage and we had been married so long. My husband said that if I gave him another chance, he would sign a contract stating he would not sue me for alimony if I ended up deciding I still wanted the divorce. The other terms of the contract were supposed to be that he would do 100% of the housework if he was not contributing to any of the income. So, I let him come back. The lawyer drew up the contract, and $12,000 later (which my dad paid for), he says the contract that was drawn up wasn’t what he agreed to sign on the phone, so it either had to be completely changed or he wasn’t signing. I was so tired of arguing about it at that point, I just said forget it.

He is nicer than he was. He does do some, but not all, of the housework. We have been together for so long, I do care about him, but I'm not in love with him. I'm not physically attracted to him. He has very poor hygiene. At this point, the last time he has taken a full shower was the end of September. I'm not sure what he does to clean himself up in between, if anything, but he smells and very rarely uses deodorant. We still fight a lot. There are occasionally times when we have fun together, but most of the time he annoys me almost every time he opens his mouth.	I have told him I still want a divorce. He says he just wants a fair chance to show me he can be the man I fell in love with, and if after that fair chance, I still wanted a divorce, he would sign the papers without suing for alimony if I paid off the credit cards that are in his name. I had no idea how I would come up with the money to do that, but I just got some news that I will be getting some money in about six months, enough to pay off those credit cards, and have a few thousand left over, so what seemed impossible is now very possible as long as he doesn’t go back on what he said and sue me for the alimony anyway. He is desperate to keep me, so it is hard to say what he would do if I leave.

I'm struggling with what to do. I'm not exactly happy in this marriage, but I know he will never leave me or cheat on me. He has no interest in any woman but me, and I really believe this to be true, but I don’t think he could get another woman even if he did try. He is familiar. I don’t have to work at trying to impress him. Like I said, I have never been in the dating scene since we have been together since I was 16. He's the only serious relationship I have ever had, but I had slept with a couple other men when we had broken up before we were married, but that was 20 years ago, and the thought of being with someone new now is pretty scary. My husband always tells me that he is sure I won't have any trouble finding a man to sleep with, but once they get to know me, they are either going to just walk away or beat the crap out of me because if I can drive him to do the things he does and he loves me so much, imagine what someone who doesn’t love me would do. My mom got divorced at 38, and she was alone for the rest of her life. I don't mind being alone, but it would be nice to be in love with someone again. He says that I'm just going through a midlife crisis and my hormones are just out of whack so I want to go sleep with other guys and that is why I want to leave him because our sex life has been pretty horrible for about a decade now. He says that I just want that feeling of a new relationship where it is exciting and that is not what real love is about. I realize that love doesn’t stay with that fresh and new feeling forever, but it has to be better than what I'm feeling now, doesn't it?? I also have never lived alone other than the month when I left last year. It was hard, especially moving in and having to carry stuff up the apartment stairs. I'm not that physically strong, but I did it, and I didn’t really mind living alone. It was actually pretty peaceful to be able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted.

I'm not saying I have been a saint in this relationship. I can be really mean and spiteful and I have a bad temper, but it is usually in response to the way he has treated me. My mom always hated him. My dad has met him once and can't stand him. My best friend hates him. Pretty much every friend I have ever had doesn’t like him, and I have actually had friends not come around me anymore because of him. Even his friends have asked me why I stay with him, even though he has always told me that his friends don’t like me. They must be pretty good at acting because it's never really seemed that way to me. It's not even just me that he treats this way. He has a very patronizing attitude towards everyone. He is one of those people that has something to say on every topic, and he always thinks he is right and half the time he is wrong. He says he can't survive without me, and I will be essentially killing him by divorcing him. I just don’t know what to do. I know what my friends will say. They will tell me to leave. I just wanted some advice from people who aren’t biased towards me. Thanks for listening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gaby said:


> So, I let him come back. The lawyer drew up the contract, and $12,000 later (which my dad paid for), he says the contract that was drawn up wasn’t what he agreed to sign on the phone, so it either had to be completely changed or he wasn’t signing. I was so tired of arguing about it at that point, I just said forget it.


Why on earth would a contract (post-nup) cost that much money? That’s ridiculous.

If your husband can play computer games all day and go out with friends, he could get a job. 

The sad part here is that you have allowed him to mistreat you. Sure, his behavior is horrible. But you allowed it. You have taught him that it’s ok for him to treat you like this. 

Why not try to get him diagnosed as disabled and get him on disability. He would probably only qualify for SSI which is about $700 a month. But it is something.

Or tell him that in order for you to stay with him, he has to go out and get a job. That would mean him getting into some training program to get some skills. Surely there is some program around you.

I strongly suggest that you get into counseling with an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. You are abused… you have allowed him to work on your head until you are no longer able to stand up for yourself in a healthy way.

What state do you live in? the outcome of your divorce is greatly dependent on where you live.


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## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

The cost of the post-nup was ridiculous. My dad had gotten the lawyer for me, and they billed hourly. 

He already applied and was declined for disability. We had a lawyer, went to the appeal, had a second appeal, and it was still declined. He didn't apply until about five years ago, and they said he did not prove that his disability stems from the accident 20 years ago. He hasn't worked since, so he hasn't been insured for disability since then. He doesn't qualify for SSI now because they use my income as a determination as well as his. Him getting an income was part of the original agreement to letting him come back, which he has not done. His plan at the moment is to try to sell stuff online.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gaby said:


> The cost of the post-nup was ridiculous. My dad had gotten the lawyer for me, and they billed hourly.
> 
> He already applied and was declined for disability. We had a lawyer, went to the appeal, had a second appeal, and it was still declined. He didn't apply until about five years ago, and they said he did not prove that his disability stems from the accident 20 years ago. He hasn't worked since, so he hasn't been insured for disability since then. He doesn't qualify for SSI now because they use my income as a determination as well as his. *Him getting an income was part of the original agreement to letting him come back, which he has not done.* His plan at the moment is to try to sell stuff online.


Can you explain what you mean by the bolded/underlined part.

Selling things on line just might work out for him. Make sure you keep a close eye on what he's making and spending.

Do you now have access to the money you earn?


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## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

It was one of the points he agreed to when I let him come back last year. He was supposed to get some kind of income. While he didn't have any income, he agreed he would do 100% of the housework since I was paying 100% of the bills. Yes, when I left, I got my own bank account and have my paychecks direct deposited to that now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gaby said:


> It was one of the points he agreed to when I let him come back last year. He was supposed to get some kind of income. While he didn't have any income, he agreed he would do 100% of the housework since I was paying 100% of the bills. Yes, when I left, I got my own bank account and have my paychecks direct deposited to that now.


Ok.. I get it.

Is he making any money selling things on line yet?


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## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

No, he hasn't started yet. Doesn't even have anything to sell at this point. He just set up his online account.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Gaby, don't look back. 

You should have left way before now.


There are better men out there and his comments are pure Bullsh!t


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## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Marc. I know I should have left a long time ago. I feel like I've wasted my whole life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What's in the past obviously can't be changed but you have the rest of your life in front of you. Take it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

gaby said:


> *The cost of the post-nup was ridiculous. My dad had gotten the lawyer for me, and they billed hourly.*
> 
> He already applied and was declined for disability. We had a lawyer, went to the appeal, had a second appeal, and it was still declined. He didn't apply until about five years ago, and they said he did not prove that his disability stems from the accident 20 years ago. He hasn't worked since, so he hasn't been insured for disability since then. He doesn't qualify for SSI now because they use my income as a determination as well as his. Him getting an income was part of the original agreement to letting him come back, which he has not done. His plan at the moment is to try to sell stuff online.


*Your Dad needs to take all documentation from the attorney and file a complaint with the State Bar Association. In a hearing, the burden of proof falls squarely on the attorney to prove that the number of hours billed is more than reasonable for such an action for any common person! In addition, he must prove that all of the work was absolutely necessary and was, in no way, of a superfluous nature, thereby "running up the bill!" 

The sad fact of the matter is that he cannot, and as such, the hearing could ultimately get the lawyer disbarred from practice and the bill summarily expunged and all of his money refunded with applicable interest! In addition, the lawyers employing law firm, provided that he is not a sole practitioner, could be fined as well, by both the state and the bar association!

IMHO, your Dad is getting fleeced by this charlatan!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Wow, your situation is way worst than mine and I think the world ending! Do you have kids? If not, get the hell out NOW! You are still young enough to start over and find happiness.


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## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Wow, your situation is way worst than mine and I think the world ending! Do you have kids? If not, get the hell out NOW! You are still young enough to start over and find happiness.


There are no kids, thankfully. I'm just worried about the financial implications. I would gladly pay him alimony if I could possibly afford to, but I don't make that much money and am barely scraping by now. Even just a couple hundred a month would mean the difference between things like food.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

gaby said:


> There are no kids, thankfully. I'm just worried about the financial implications. I would gladly pay him alimony if I could possibly afford to, but I don't make that much money and am barely scraping by now. Even just a couple hundred a month would mean the difference between things like food.



I guarantee you are spending more money supporting this bufoon you are calling your husband. Stay and suffer or possibly pay some alimony and have your freedom, I'd gladly live on Ramen to get away from the man you are describing.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I only had to read the first paragraph where you work two jobs, he doesn't work at all and he treats you like a servant. He isn't even grateful for what you do for him. I would dump him and while you may be alone for the rest of your life (I doubt it) that has got to be better than living with him. He is a leech.


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## gaby (Aug 21, 2015)

Thank you for all of your replies. It's very scary thinking about doing this. I don't know how he will react. I don't know what he is going to do without me. I have literally taken care of everything in his life for the past 20 years. He says he doesn't want to lose his family (me and the cats). Sometimes, I feel sorry for him and I feel guilty for wanting to leave, but then he'll do or say something that reminds me of why I don't want to be married to him anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For heaven's sake, JUST LEAVE! Let him try to get money out of you. He has no money to even TALK to a lawyer! It's all bluff.

Get out NOW. You're still young. I'm almost 60 and I'm considering leaving. You still have half your life ahead of you. Leave!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaby said:


> Thanks for the words of encouragement, Marc. I know I should have left a long time ago. I feel like I've wasted my whole life.


You are correct you've wasted a lot of time. Do not waste anymore.

Move out and go completely no contact. I mean No Contact.

You owe him nothing. He's worthless and will never be anything more.

Engaging would be the worse thing you could do. 

Let him figure it out. 

Get a plan together. Get his name off everything, separate your finances and when you have it all together walk away. Do not tell him. Just go and let his lazy azz figure it out.

He can get a job or starve. That'll fix any alimony problems as well.

Let him get the divorce and pay for it. You've served enough time here.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The reason you need to have no engagement if you decide to leave is this.

He will promise you the moon, major changes, etc. it will all be lies to get you to stay.

People like that are incapable of changing. He just won't want to lose his meal ticket.

However, take your time and plan it extremely well. If you do leave cut all ties so you don't have to hear all the garbage that will come your way. You can bank on this coming along with many guilt trips, etc. like how could you do this to me. 

Good luck


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

You deserve so much more for your life than a marriage like that... you should be happy. 
And you have done a LOT for him in your marriage and it doesn't sound like he's done even ANY of that for you. 

I would cut ties and leave. He will be fine on his own either way. of course he will try to say it all to you and make you feel guilty and bad and lay it on thick.... just ignore it or hear it and remember how he has done NOTHING for you all these years. 

HUGS.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

Check with a lawyer about Alimony... you may be able to get around that and not pay him.. there are some good loopholes out there  
Not having any kids is a plus  and the fact that he is "able" to work just chooses not too. Alimony is not that easy to obtain as child support....


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