# Best ways to cope with HD - toolbox



## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

As a HD I ve tried many ways to make sex more attractive for my possibly LD wife. She s doing efforts but I always want more, in a way that my reactions can be destructive. My wife is willing to improve our sex life - what I really appreciate - but I find it frustrating we re moving on so slowly.

Recently I switched jobs and became manager in a finance company where a number of women dress up regularly. I see high heels, leather pants and skirts, and I have to admit I like it. I also love my wife but our sex life has been struggling for years and I seem to feel more frustrated now. I wish she dressed up as well and we could have passionate sex. 

As said my reactions can be destructive. We have sex once a week, last time on Sunday. This is an effort for my wife. Nevertheless I asked her to dress up and be sexy for New Year s Eve. I really wanted that - gosh I love that so much!! But she felt offended and said she felt obliged to do so and felt humiliated and not respected.

I see her point. I just expressed a desire when I asked her if she could be sexy for the evening. But I know that it s not a free choice I give her, cause if she declines, I would feel frustrated and rejected.

What constructive advice could you give? Which good couples book can attack the HD LD frustrations? Or what theories can help me to be able to better cope with the gap and be less destructive in my reactions?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Give an example of your destructive reaction.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Give an example of your destructive reaction.


Most of the time the problem is that instead of being happy with the sex we had I just crave for more. The day after having had good sex I ask for more of the same, or even better and longer sex, whereas my wife is satisfied and just wants a break. She declines my question, I feel frustrated, she feels unappreciated. This is a negative spiral that demotivates her for having sex with me again. So in a way is destructive for our sexlife.

I should just shut up more often in order to be able to properly build up our sexlife again, but I never manage to stay disciplined all the time. It s really difficult, no passionate kissing, no temptations, no fantasies, no sexy dressing, no varations, and only plain vanilla sex once a week. 

The weekends and the holidays are the toughests...


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Instead f asking her to dress up, why did you not just dress up together? 

"The two shall be one" meaning you do things together. Your wife probably feels that you just want her for sex. I love sex but if i thought that was all my husband wanted me for i most likely would start to resent it. 

Sex is nice but it can be the actual problem if attitudes to it are not healthy as judged by one of the spouses.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’m in a similar boat. My wife is stunningly attractive in professional work attire but I usually get to see the wife beater and baggy sweatpants version. Sex-wise same thing... every 12-14 days with no inkling in between and I usually crave more and have told her this. 

I would offer up a few observations about our similar situations:

1. Women dress up for other women not men. On occasion they can use how they dress to affect a man but on the whole it’s a competition-thing amongst women. I’ve told my wife what is flattering on her and she ignores it. True story... I love heels, my wife doesn’t (yes I get they aren’t comfortable). She humored me and bought some but has never worn them outside the house. I told she should wear them to a outing with our friends one night and she said no. Her girlfriend texted her and told her to grab her heels. Sure enough she made my ass drive her back to the house to get them.

2. A lot of women just don’t feel sexy. They see wrinkles, flab, cellulite, thinning hair and think they are ugly compared to the TV and the 20-somethings out there. They aren’t and probably haven’t been comfortable in their own skins for decades. You see a gorgeous woman and they still see a pudgy, flat-chested, gapped-tooth high schooler with a bad perm that the boys ignored unless she was willing to put out. Our MC said my wife will likely never look at herself in a positive way the way I do. It’s a low self-esteem thing and she may think she will never be good enough and you only want sex. 

3. It took 17 years for me to find out my wife was sexually assaulted in middle school. I just happened to make a comment how I was giving her all the pleasure and maybe she could focus on me. She had a panic attack while sitting in top of me. Sex hasn’t been the same ever since. On top of that my wife’s attitude toward sex went negative when our kids hit 6 years old and her testosterone dropped significantly. It went from fun to secretive, borderline shameful. She “likes it” but she stuffed it in a box that she controls (e.g. how, when, what). We don’t talk about the box, it’s just there. My point her is that there likely might be some sexual trauma in her past. But it does suck to feel like maybe she was putting up a front to make sure would still marry her.

4. I always have the feeling my wife is relieved she doesn’t have to dress up, romance me, crave sex, touch me, date me etc. Having recently retired from the military, I liken it to that person who works out for fear of the annual fitness test. They do the enough to pass and then they retire/get-out balloon up since exercise was never really their thing in the first place. It just isn’t that much of a driver to them. When we are in the dating pool or just dating you do a lot you normally wouldn’t of your own volition in order to attract a mate.

5. Not sure if you have kids but I my case I have two and due to my wife’s abandonment and terrible family of origin issues from childhood she’s emotionally married to the kids. It’s safe. There’s no verbal abuse. Pure unconditional love. No partner calling you out on your mistakes. She will do with them what she did with me before we got married. Cuddle, find fun things to do together, talk, go out of her way for (errands, gifts), have heart to heart talks, spoil them, etc. 

6. If you read Mating in Captivity, you will see that a man who takes care of the kids, pays the bills, fixes stuff, runs errands, etc. is what women want long-term, a stable safe partner. In reality, this is not attentive sexually. It’s like being friend-zoned in your marriage. It sucks because coupled with a low self-esteem partner, the advice that you should do your own thing (hobbies, friends, etc) backfires because they feel threatened you’re leaving or having an affair.

7. Lastly I’m gonna guess she doesn’t understand what sex means to you. It means something different to her. It’s emotional bonding for you but not her. For my wife, it’s about her getting off (from a hormone surge) and moving on to the next thing on the to-do list. Some women are one and done and good for two weeks. Like a snake eating a mouse. Hey they can get laid anytime they want either with you or someone else. Hey if you wanted to go out to eat you can anytime. So it’s not that special or exciting. For you it’s something you think about 100x a day but get for 5 minutes twice a month. I also understand a woman is like a desktop with 130 windows open and she has to close a lot to get to sex. If she’s satisfied or selfish it’s not worth the effort and Facebook is more important at this moment. Marriage-wise it’s what’s in your partner’s heart. One can lovingly make an effort to meet their partner where they’re at or give the message that they are sorry/not sorry. Nothing is more depressing than a partner who doesn’t realize they are the only person in the word that you can derive sexual pleasure to/from and they are like... meh. Ouch. It’s tough to hear “don’t look at me for it and don’t you dare go get it somewhere else.”

Bottom line is seek MC. It will help start a dialogue. In my case it started off as an “us” thing but then quickly morphed into my wife realizing she has a lot of trauma to deal before working on the “us” part. There probably is a “love language” disconnect. There is a our case. I broadcast on all five channels and she isn’t even looking for the remote yet.




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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

So, you are married to a control freak. What compromise would she agree to, she will never go two days in a row. Ask her, not going to be a pleasant conversation.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

aaarghdub said:


> I’m in a similar boat.


Waw, many things I recognise indeed, including your comment about the kids and Facebook.
Thanks for the input and insights! I ll read it again to make sure I ll capture everything.

I would feel betrayed about the high heels story, but maybe you’re right about the fact that women dress up for women.

If I understand it correctly you’re still struggling now? Or have you or your wife made any progress yet? Do you manage to accept this gap?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Re: Best ways to cope with HD - toolbox 


Well, the best is to get single and find you some or one women who meets your sexual needs willingly with consent. Don't make the mistake again, of marrying someone who does not closely match your drive. Remember, when she hits somewhere near 40 and for about ten years, she will have a higher drive than you, in many instances, though not all. Then, it will be her turn to find someone.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> Re: Best ways to cope with HD - toolbox
> Remember, when she hits somewhere near 40 and for about ten years, she will have a higher drive than you, in many instances, though not all. Then, it will be her turn to find someone.


My wife will soon turn 40, but I don t think she will have a higher drive than me. You mean mine will lower or hers will increase?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I skimmed your prior posts about your sexual unhappiness with your cerebral wife. Did y'all ever go to the sex therapist? Have there been changes?

From prior post: "This is something I fear indeed. My wife told me several times (not recently) that she thinks it is likely she will get to love sex again with another lover. That was painful."

You have a new job, temptation is staring you in the face daily. Hoping you don't decide to cheat.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Freetown said:


> My wife will soon turn 40, but I don t think she will have a higher drive than me. You mean mine will lower or hers will increase?


I mean, you don't know what will happen. Some men's drive does lower, while others lower test levels are not significant. 

Some women will become HD, while others will become LD. 

And, will you accept what happens if she is more HD than you?


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> Freetown said:
> 
> 
> > My wife will soon turn 40, but I don t think she will have a higher drive than me. You mean mine will lower or hers will increase?
> ...


I would sign for that right now. The one who needs something from the other is always losing. I remember a couple of times where my wife was more HD, eg during pregnancy. Gosh that was fantastic, and I always tried to meet her expectations.
But I got turned on easily.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Freetown said:


> I would sign for that right now. The one who needs something from the other is always losing. I remember a couple of times where my wife was more HD, eg during pregnancy. Gosh that was fantastic, and I always tried to meet her expectations.
> But I got turned on easily.


Do you remember being young and single? Man, every young woman turned my head. I was able to push off those desires and stay faithful, but if I was a different man, I'd have been exploring all of them to see who would be willing and what they were like. 

I imagine I'm not too different from most young men, except possibly in my reactions to my overwhelming feelings. 

Those are the feelings some women get. They are new to them and confusing.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> Those are the feelings some women get. They are new to them and confusing.


Didn t know that. Almost the opposite of what my wife feels now. She says she s not attracted to anyone and never ever fantasies...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Don't ogle other women and don't compare. Comparison in a marriage is deadly and dangerous.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I only found one way to cope that worked for successful long term happiness and satisfaction: find an HD partner.


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> I skimmed your prior posts about your sexual unhappiness with your cerebral wife. Did y'all ever go to the sex therapist? Have there been changes?
> 
> From prior post: "This is something I fear indeed. My wife told me several times (not recently) that she thinks it is likely she will get to love sex again with another lover. That was painful."
> 
> You have a new job, temptation is staring you in the face daily. Hoping you don't decide to cheat.


Hi @sunsetmist 
I’ve indeed posted before about my cerebral wife, since she often refers to sex as animal behaviour. I wanted to “fix” her, but now I understand that my reactions (complaints etc) are contra productive. 

We re in couples therapy now, again, but only had a few sessions yet. It helps to understand each other. We will be working attacking the “wounds” in our relationship soon, caused by the gap in drive with me being needy.

But it moves on so slowly and I get frustrated in between. Why just not have sex on New Years Eve? And I appreciate the kissy kisses every now and then, but I miss the real kisses.

I don’t want to cheat. But when you see people dressing up, including some fashionistas wearing nice leather skirts, and the only reaction you get when telling this to your wife is that leather is for *****s, I feel sad. I understand it s destructive to be controlling and needy, but it would help if my wife would really respect who I am and what I need. (However, in that regard I should as well respect her view and never ever talk about leather skirts anymore?)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you seriously have a need to see your wife in a leather skirt? Or, do you have a need for your wife to want to do whatever you suggest to feed your libido? Your wife doesn't want sex as often as you so why would she do something that she knows would turn you on?

You two are mismatched sexually. Work on it, accept it or move on. Haranguing your wife to be someone she isn't won't get you anything but starfish sex if she does relent.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You two are mismatched sexually. Work on it, accept it or move on. Haranguing your wife to be someone she isn't won't get you anything but starfish sex if she does relent.



This... ^^^ you are doomed, mate... :laugh:


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## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Do you seriously have a need to see your wife in a leather skirt? Or, do you have a need for your wife to want to do whatever you suggest to feed your libido? Your wife doesn't want sex as often as you so why would she do something that she knows would turn you on?
> 
> You two are mismatched sexually. Work on it, accept it or move on. Haranguing your wife to be someone she isn't won't get you anything but starfish sex if she does relent.


With regards to the leather skirt: if one enjoys sex it just seems nice to dress up and be sexy. Nothing more. Same goes with lingerie. I still hope the feedbackmechanism can make dressing up a joyful thing for my wife. And in a marriage you often do things for the other cause you know it make him/her happy.

With regards to the “work on it, accept it or move on”: this is why I created this topic. My question was how to cope with it myself. But you re right I m not accepting it as such and I m comparing with other people and couples. Maybe I should just try to come to an agreement with my wife for a month / couple of months and then stick to it in order not to do any harm.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Freetown said:


> My question was how to cope with it myself.


From what you say, your wife is not into sex much. She probably does it for you. I was in the same situation. How did I cope? I tried, tried and tried and made myself very unhappy in the meantime. Then, I realised it was a lost battle. I accepted it. And the sex got even less frequent. So, I became even more unhappy. Until I didn't care anymore. I detached and the marriage died.

Take anti-depressants... they will cure your depression and will kill your libido... job done!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The best way to cope as a HD is to leave and find someone whose natural drive is closer to your own.
The second best way is to become as attractive as you can and see if it makes any difference in your partner's desire to have sex with you. If not, see step 1. The process of becoming more attractive should never last more than a year for men, or 6 months for women. If it hasn't worked by then, it will never work to a sufficient extent to make further investment in the relationship worthwhile.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I know I my case my wife has very low self-esteem and yours may too. Likely your requests are causing her inner critic to tell her she’s not good enough. My wife was pissed that our sex life had to be improved (baseline was once a month out of obligation) or that one date night a quarter was wasn’t good enough. At least your wife is willing to talk... mine won’t own anything.

Not sure what your wife’s family of origin is like but my wife was recently disowned by her dad and had a very dysfunctional relationship as a youth. All this causes severe emotional damage that I unknowingly inherited. Like yours, my wife wants to stay under the radar and not be noticed in terms of appearance or sexual aggressiveness. It’s an insecurity thing and I think deep down my wife thinks I will eventually trade her in for a new model since she’s “defective”
In her words. This almost creates a self fulfilling prophecy. You leave and validate they are worthless and all men abandon them.

Depression plays a roll as well. My wife and ALL her middle aged friends are on at least one anti-depressant or other mood stabilizer. They joke about it but it breaks my heart. They also joke about how much sex is a chore. I can see why many consider bailing. In my case I’m giving her room to heal and sort things out. Cant undo that much emotional damage in 6 months.



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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You would think so....
My wife very rarely wants sex but thinks dressing in sexy lingerie is somehow a substitute, and seems unable to understand that it is quite the opposite. (OP - be careful what you wish for - having you wife dress in a sexy fashion, but not increase the frequency / variety of sex is not a win).

QUOTE=Blondilocks;19758079]Do you seriously have a need to see your wife in a leather skirt? Or, do you have a need for your wife to want to do whatever you suggest to feed your libido? Your wife doesn't want sex as often as you so why would she do something that she knows would turn you on?

You two are mismatched sexually. Work on it, accept it or move on. Haranguing your wife to be someone she isn't won't get you anything but starfish sex if she does relent.[/QUOTE]


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

aaarghdub said:


> I’m in a similar boat. My wife is stunningly attractive in professional work attire but I usually get to see the wife beater and baggy sweatpants version. Sex-wise same thing... every 12-14 days with no inkling in between and I usually crave more and have told her this.
> 
> I would offer up a few observations about our similar situations:......





aaarghdub said:


> I know I my case my wife has very low self-esteem and yours may too. Likely your requests are causing her inner critic to tell her she’s not good enough. My wife was pissed that our sex life had to be improved (baseline was once a month out of obligation) or that one date night a quarter was wasn’t good enough. *At least your wife is willing to talk... mine won’t own anything.*
> 
> Not sure what your wife’s family of origin is like but my wife was recently disowned by her dad and had a very dysfunctional relationship as a youth. All this causes severe emotional damage that I unknowingly inherited. Like yours, my wife wants to stay under the radar and not be noticed in terms of appearance or sexual aggressiveness. It’s an insecurity thing and I think deep down my wife thinks I will eventually trade her in for a new model since she’s “defective”
> In her words. This almost creates a self fulfilling prophecy. You leave and validate they are worthless and all men abandon them.
> ...


My advice to the OP is two fold. Listen carefully to the advice that aaarghdub has given you as it is very good.

Now my advice is a little different. 

You can never make your spouse change their behavior, only they can change their behavior and only if they want to.

Next, pressuring a spouse for sex or being sexually needy is a real turn off for most women.

Also don't start thinking about women other than your wife, no matter how much you like their leather skirts/pants or high how they dress. It is a slippery slope that leads to you destroying your marriage.

My wife is Low Desire and I am much higher desire when it comes to sex. We have gone to a sex therapist at a low point in our marriage and it really helped save the marriage. But what I learned the most was that I need to do things to make my wife feel loved and cherished, as SHE WANTS/NEEDS to be loved and cherished. I would suggest that the OP read Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. I would also suggest Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, which is about becoming an integrated man who is not co-dependent on a woman and doesn't need her to validate his ego. I would also suggest just about any book by MW Davis (Divorce Busting, the Sex Starved Marriage, etc.). The reason is that most marriages have problems because both partners' actions or in-actions. It takes two to make a marriage and two to destroy one. The OP needs to do some serious introspection to figure out what he is doing wrong and to change himself for the better. That kind of change might (or might not) inspire his wife to change herself. It worked for me.

Good luck.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My wife told me to stop pressuring her for sex. So I did. As a reward she stopped talking to me as well. I now have zero responsibility or inclination to initiate. I struggled with repressing desire until my doc put me on a SSRI for anxiety / depression. That pretty much turned off my desire. 

Then wonder of wonders at 52.5 (no where near 40) her libido reignited. Years of setting a habit of sex avoidance have left her with no skills in seduction. She can't seem to bring herself to initiate. Her chick porn consumption has gone through the roof, but our sexual relationship is DOA.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

anonmd said:


> So, you are married to a control freak. What compromise would she agree to, she will never go two days in a row. Ask her, not going to be a pleasant conversation.


So she's a 'control freak' just because she doesn't want sex two days in a row? Maybe she's satisfied from the sex they had the day before and the OP humping her leg *not even 24 hours later* isn't appealing to her. That doesn't make her a control freak.

Jesus.


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## Simple Dude (Dec 21, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> From what you say, your wife is not into sex much. She probably does it for you. I was in the same situation. How did I cope? I tried, tried and tried and made myself very unhappy in the meantime. Then, I realised it was a lost battle. I accepted it. And the sex got even less frequent. So, I became even more unhappy. Until I didn't care anymore. I detached and the marriage died.
> 
> Take anti-depressants... they will cure your depression and will kill your libido... job done!


This is a Fact, After many years of trying to charge my LD wife I have found its much easier to change yourself. Fire with fire. 40 yrs. of marriage no sexually desire with in her . She is on SSSir's total lack of of desire. As for all her 55 yr. old Girl Friends they all take Anti-Depressants Which completely kills desire. 
So I thought I would join up with them all. I faked my doctor out asked for depression and Anxiety pill. Wow three weeks later I could careless about laying any pipe. She can keep it . Its just wonderful not to leave a life of being unhappy and getting laid under her terms . I am now LD and happy no more pissed off at the world. If I forget to take my pills for 2-3 days I start to get bitter again and Horny . But a pill a day lets me say You know Girl just keep it I don't want your Starfish sex any more. More time for Hobbies and wasting my time trying to have a balanced sex life.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Simple Dude said:


> This is a Fact, After many years of trying to charge my LD wife I have found its much easier to change yourself. Fire with fire. 40 yrs. of marriage no sexually desire with in her . She is on SSSir's total lack of of desire. As for all her 55 yr. old Girl Friends they all take Anti-Depressants Which completely kills desire.
> So I thought I would join up with them all. I faked my doctor out asked for depression and Anxiety pill. Wow three weeks later I could careless about laying any pipe. She can keep it . Its just wonderful not to leave a life of being unhappy and getting laid under her terms . I am now LD and happy no more pissed off at the world. If I forget to take my pills for 2-3 days I start to get bitter again and Horny . But a pill a day lets me say You know Girl just keep it I don't want your Starfish sex any more. More time for Hobbies and wasting my time trying to have a balanced sex life.


This seems even sadder than divorce. 

I can't imagine medicating myself when there's nothing wrong with me. Putting unnecessary chemicals into my body because my partner is frigid? No effing way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This seems even sadder than divorce.
> 
> I can't imagine medicating myself when there's nothing wrong with me. Putting unnecessary chemicals into my body because my partner is frigid? No effing way.


I've done that! I took the pills because I was depressed about the situation and then realised that they worked wonders, totally killing my libido. Problem gone! But then I stopped them, because I realised it was a stupid thing to do on the long term... :laugh: So, back to square one...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> So, back to square one...


No. I thought you had decided to get divorced? So not back to the same place - feeling trapped. On to a new place - looking forward to freedom. At least, for your sake, I hope it is not back to the same place. I have that piece of real estate cornered.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> No. I thought you had decided to get divorced? So not back to the same place - feeling trapped. On to a new place - looking forward to freedom. At least, for your sake, I hope it is not back to the same place. I have that piece of real estate cornered.


Lol... don't worry... I'm talking about 10 years ago... that's when I stopped the ADs because it was silly and I didn't like being a zombie anymore... :smile2:


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