# Can my wife and I save our marriage?



## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Delete this post


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sounds like two very broken people who were not ready or comitted enough to marriage
in the first place.

but now that you are, and dealing with the wreckage of your marriage, it's worth giving a serious try. You both need a very grave reckoning with yourselves.
This is not high school anymore. You brought children into the world.
everthing you do affects them.

you both need to change drastically. There is always hope. Counciling, therapy and group acountability. Through your church if you are religious, if not there are plenty
of good secular organization for addiction and therapy.

good luck


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> Sounds like two very broken people who were not ready or comitted enough to marriage
> in the first place.
> 
> but now that you are, and dealing with the wreckage of your marriage, it's worth giving a serious try. You both need a very grave reckoning with yourselves.
> ...


Thanks for your input.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You just described the relationship between my husband and I, we have been married 24 years. I have asked my husband to get help for his addiction issues but he just wants me to accept him as he is. he told our last marriage counselor that he thought his actions were "typical" male reactions. My husband too thinks that a bouquet of flowers is going to make everything better but after all this it is only maddening to think that your husband feels he can buy you back emotionally. Your wife is wise to leave. You need help and I am not sure you can even truly see it. I am in the process of divorcing this man who I should have never married. You want peace for yourself, seek some serious therapy but don't blame your wife's cold behavior, she has reason. How would you like to be in her shoes? How would you feel if she cheated on you and was so caught up in her love for other men that you felt like nothing to her? You might feel that now but something tells me that she was the wanting seeking you for many years and you were too caught up in your addiction to understand juts how good you had it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

To answer your title question, No. Why would you even want to save this marriage? But that is not what you want to hear, so read on..

You cheated on her TWICE and are surprised when flower do not do anything for her?

Sounds like her love language is QUALITY time, not acts of service or gifts. You joined the reserves (and getting deployed) without her input was a slap in HER face. 

Get help on your sex addiction. My best op sex friend did that and said best thing she ever did in her life. She goes to meeting 3 times a week. Try that now. If you really wanted to stop, you will go to meetings. 

It takes two to fight. You fight every day. For just one day, at a start, DO NOT fight with her, regardless of what she says and does. Break the cycle. If you REALLY wanted to do that, you could. 

90% sure you will go back to your old ways. You show no sign of remorse. Why I say that? Because you said "my 2 but much shorter affairs". Like the time span on the affair matters much at all. You basically said that your affairs are not as bad because they were short. With thinking like that, you have not changed.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

I'm am very remorseful for all I done. These last couple weeks have been difficult. I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together. I never want to visit this place again.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Also, our fighting is non violent. No yelling either, but I think productive.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike,

You think you are remorseful but you continue to blame her and not take responsibility for your actions. Read YOUR OWN words:

"Since I returned, she stonewalled me. Even after our two week vacation in Europe. " Your choice of the word "Stonewall" is very revealing. Your choice of "even" is very revealing, like she will just forget what you did for 7 months because of a vacation.

"I now felt unloved, so I cheated again twice with the same woman." No need to even comment on that one. WOW. Blame the wife, right?

"I came home with flowers for no reason and her response was cold." 

"she using hard party drugs often." again, her fault. 

" I then revealed my 2 but much shorter affairs. .She in turn felt betrayed. Maybe I should have not told her? " Sure, you should have continued to hid this because, well, how dare she feel betrayed.

"She trips to play the victim at times. Then a rational discussion, followed by crying and hugs. We are communicating. " - No, not really.

"I told her my love for her is unconditional." except for when you were banging the other woman - TWICE


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> Also, our fighting is non violent. No yelling either, but I think productive.


Daily fighting is productive? You are delusional. 

We are trying to shock you out of this thinking, not being harsh to you just to kick you while you are down.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

No.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Right now the best advice is to work on you. You are/ were in the military. You know the conduct that they want our soilders to adhere to. You can't change the past, but you can affect the future. Start being the man a woman would want. Be a leader and a model for your kids, so that when they see you they will say now there is a MAN.. The measure of a man is not how far he falls, but how far he bounces back.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

I'm more concerned about her drug use. I'm upset with her affair but I caused it. I regret everything


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm sorry but I gave up reading after the first two paragraphs. Do this poor wife of yours a favour and give her a divorce. You have shat on her from day one, you are still lying about your affairs,,it's still all about you and you wonder why she is cold. You done deserve to be married tbh, go fix yourself, be honest with yourself, you are still making excuses. And no, you are not an idiot, that is minimising what you have done to this poor woman, you are a self centred b******, nothing more or less.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The question is, why do you both want to save the marriage? If your motivation to save it comes from just not wanting to go through a divorce, and because you don't want to upset the kids, etc...you will both most likely cheat again. Until the motivation changes for why you want your marriage to work, you won't be able to make it work. You both will be going through the motions, only.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Who found out about your sex tapes? Of all the sh!t things you have done, the sharing of her sexual acts on the internet is the most egregious. She could actually bring charges against you. Are you getting help for your sexual addiction? Be aware that a lot (LOT) of people do not believe in the sexual addiction excuse. They view it as just an example of how selfish and broken you are.

No, your marriage is not salvageable. It will be impossible for her to trust you.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

aine said:


> I'm sorry but I gave up reading after the first two paragraphs. Do this poor wife of yours a favour and give her a divorce. You have shat on her from day one, you are still lying about your affairs,,it's still all about you and you wonder why she is cold. You done deserve to be married tbh, go fix yourself, be honest with yourself, you are still making excuses. And no, you are not an idiot, that is minimising what you have done to this poor woman, you are a self centred b******, nothing more or less.


I've come with everything. I have been self centered. I told her I will never fail again. This is the worst place I have ever been. If she gives me another chance I'm never coming back here


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Yes we both want to save this marriage. We still love each other very much. We both made avoidable mistakes. We don't want to go though the divorce process. This was a short paragraph of the problem. For every bad thing there are 5 good things.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

We are both in counseling. We owe to our children to keep the family together.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

See if the two of you can save the marriage. Work hard and good luck, my best to the both of you. Needless to say but the two of you have a up hill battle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The friends need to be banned. Seems like a toxic enabling bunch. That's a fairly long time affair on her part. Big potential for relapse on the affair as well as the drugs.

You must fix you and she's has to fix herself. Huge mountain to climb for the both of you.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

I was hoping this forum would be helpful, it's making me more depressed. We both are going though spiraling emotions. Sometimes we are optimistic other times we feel like quitting. Our friends and family are heart broken as well. Neither of us can function. I am afraid I might loose my job too because I can't get though the pain.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Mike1911 said:


> Our oldest child even caught them kissing. He blew up on her as he is a highly mature young man. She denied it and told him he was seeing things.


Wow. Flat out lying to your child. Telling him he's "seeing things". I think she must be a truly despicable person to do that sh*t to her child.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Mike1911 said:


> I was hoping this forum would be helpful, it's making me more depressed. We both are going though spiraling emotions. Sometimes we are optimistic other times we feel like quitting. Our friends and family are heart broken as well. Neither of us can function. I am afraid I might loose my job too because I can't get though the pain.




This forum isn't to make you feel better...to be quite honest you asked a question and the people here answered it honestly. You need to pull yourself together. You both have done huge damage to the marriage.
Can you come back from it...who knows. Get into an addiction program and go from there. 
I will say you can't stay together for your family, friends and kids.
Good luck.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> I was hoping this forum would be helpful, it's making me more depressed.


Quit the self pity. Make sure you keep your job so that you have the financial means to support the family or pay child support.

It's quite simple. This will end in divorce or it won't. Either way, you still need a job, and you will still have your kids.

Rather than be depressed, take the advice given here and do something. Your wife was concerned about you going back to your old ways. So are we. The ONLY way for you NOT to go back to your old ways is through HARD EFFORTS, just like we listed here. 

Really be there and be a MAN for your wife and maybe she will cut back or stop with the drugs. 

Quit the cliche " We owe to our children to keep the family together." You owe it to you, she owes it to herself and you owe it to each other. If you stay just for the kids you will NEVER make your marriage work - your household might work, but not your marriage. 

I do not know if you are religious and I really do not care. For a large part of the world tomorrow is Easter Sunday. You will step it up and absolutely no fighting with her for 24 hours - no snide comments, no eyes rolling, no sarcasm. For 24 hours. If she does it, let her. Just do nothing negative back to her. 

Can you do that? 

Then post on Monday that you did not fight for at least 24 hours.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > I was hoping this forum would be helpful, it's making me more depressed.
> ...


I'm pretty much going to be gone for a month as I have a firearms instructor course. She's free to do whatever she wants during that time. I'll only see her on weekends. Basically since I left for the middle east, I haven't seen my wife in over a year. I miss her.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Thank you everyone for reading my post.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

aine said:


> I'm sorry but I gave up reading after the first two paragraphs. Do this poor wife of yours a favour and give her a divorce. You have shat on her from day one, you are still lying about your affairs,,it's still all about you and you wonder why she is cold. You done deserve to be married tbh, go fix yourself, be honest with yourself, you are still making excuses. And no, you are not an idiot, that is minimising what you have done to this poor woman, you are a self centred b******, nothing more or less.


Please read the rest


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> I haven't seen my wife in over a year. I miss her.


ok, when are you going to back home?


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You cannot work on a marriage if you are never home.


Sent from my iPhone


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> For every bad thing there are 5 good things.


Yes but because your "bad" things are drug addiction, sex addition, infidelity, illegal porn posting etc, you really need FIFTY good things for every one of these. 

This is not a numbers game. It only takes ONE of those bad things above to end the marriage, regardless of how many good things there are. You need to eliminate the bad, not add good.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

At first look I would say you are both toast.

You are both cheaters, you have done outrageous damage with your dumbass internet posting!

I have seen marriages rescued with an absolute commitment from both spouses but that is going to mean changing both of your characters.

Extremely hard work.

You may need to move?

You have seriously polluted your environment with affair partners and fvcking your wife essentially in front of friends and neighbors via the internet.

What are you both willing to do?

How committed are you both to stop being dumbasses and actually grow the hell up?

This is seriously sucking for your children.

What are you prepared to do for them?

What are the chances your children have to put up with their mom getting railed and watched by their classmates and their parents?

Have you considered any of this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The people I feel sorry for here is the kids. Both you and your wife's behaviour is absolutely disgusting and deplorable. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

Neither of you deserve to be a parent.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > I haven't seen my wife in over a year. I miss her.
> ...


What I meant was when I deployed, she was in tears as I left. I was only gone 7 months. At the halfway point, she started using drugs and having an affair. When I got home know something was up. I didn't know about the affair until recently. What I'm saying is I miss old wife. I haven't seen her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why do people get married, if really deep down, they wished they had stayed single? If you want to live like a single guy, then why are you trying to save a marriage? I also can't help but think that your wife doesn't want to go through yet another divorce and so she is reluctant to let this go.

I just don't get why people want to 'save' a marriage, when their actions show that they really wish they were single.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Why do people get married, if really deep down, they wished they had stayed single? If you want to live like a single guy, then why are you trying to save a marriage? I also can't help but think that your wife doesn't want to go through yet another divorce and so she is reluctant to let this go.
> 
> I just don't get why people want to 'save' a marriage, when their actions show that they really wish they were single.


I'm willing to change and never repeat my mistakes. Now that I seen how our marriage is dangling by a thread. However, I don't know for if she stopped loving while I was overseas or not. Also, I will tolerate her drug use. She said she stopped months ago, but she is still 30 lbs lighter than before I left.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> You just described the relationship between my husband and I, we have been married 24 years. I have asked my husband to get help for his addiction issues but he just wants me to accept him as he is. he told our last marriage counselor that he thought his actions were "typical" male reactions. My husband too thinks that a bouquet of flowers is going to make everything better but after all this it is only maddening to think that your husband feels he can buy you back emotionally. Your wife is wise to leave. You need help and I am not sure you can even truly see it. I am in the process of divorcing this man who I should have never married. You want peace for yourself, seek some serious therapy but don't blame your wife's cold behavior, she has reason. How would you like to be in her shoes? How would you feel if she cheated on you and was so caught up in her love for other men that you felt like nothing to her? You might feel that now but something tells me that she was the wanting seeking you for many years and you were too caught up in your addiction to understand juts how good you had it.


With all due respect...this is a load of bull cookies. 

She could have left him. She did not have to cheat on him. She took the cowards way out. There were lots of options she could have chosen other than cheating. 

They are both broken people who need lots of professional help. He's as bad as she is, if not worse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady has a guy that lives with his mom as little work responsiblity and there for has all the time in the world to meet her needs.

Plus this guys has little bills to pay and keep the drugs flowing.

Until this guy is out of the picture the marriage is toast.

Unless she is willing to move away from this toxic enviormement with you the marriage is toast.

As long as there is a 3rd person infecting the marriage...the marriage doesn't have a chance.

You can now become the best husband in the world, but as long as your wife's emotional needs are being met from someone one else you just can't compete.

In short you can change all you want and I'm guessing you will, but your wife on the other hand has a guy that pretty much can spend all day with her and do drugs. That attention she is getting is dam well addicting...face it!

What I'm thinking is you stop begging for this marriage and start getting your wife to start second guessing what she is going to loose when she sees a changed man.If you can get her to second guess her choice and she starts to see the family unit continue to fall apart she might...just might stop the sex and drugs and come back from her fantasy she now has that helps her cope with all the emotional abuse that has happened.

Sorry to say but she sounds like she is actually happier with some part time construction guy who lives with his mom then try the hard work of keeping the family together. I guess as long as she keeps using it will take away the pain.

The best thing you can do is talk her into moving and getting away from all the bull shyt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW...a guy that lives with his mom and bearly works ...and is getting laid....I'm pretty sure he will take the chance to continue to get laid at any cost.

As far as your wife goes there is a huge whole this lover filled .....and again will risk it all to keep that whole filled...even if it;s just a bandaid that sooner or later will need to be ripped off.

My point is you really need to confirm the affair is really over before you can even think about rebuilding the marriage.

In addition your wife has this image of you and that my friend will be an up hill battle to change.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

the guy said:


> BTW...a guy that lives with his mom and bearly works ...and is getting laid....I'm pretty sure he will take the chance to continue to get laid at any cost.
> 
> As far as your wife goes there is a huge whole this lover filled .....and again will risk it all to keep that whole filled...even if it;s just a bandaid that sooner or later will need to be ripped off.
> 
> ...


I'm kinda done talking to her. We can't move because her other baby father will protest moving out of state. When they were married, she cheated on him with a scum bag too. I didn't know this until after I married her. Otherwise, I may changed my mind. Her ex husband is a really nice guy. We get along well. While I was deployed, he sensed something while dropping off his son. It must have been after one of her party nights. He warned her not to f56k this up. When I did get home, we went to the gun range and later had lunch. Yes I go to the range with my wife's ex husband. He told me he didn't want to start shyt, but he's glad I'm home. He is actually thinking of going for full custody after all this. If he does then I'm going to have to realize this marriage will never work and attack from the other side. If she loses all her kids, then her lover can afford her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mike1911 said:


> I'm pretty much going to be gone for a month as I have a firearms instructor course. She's free to do whatever she wants during that time. I'll only see her on weekends. Basically since I left for the middle east, I haven't seen my wife in over a year. I miss her.


How did you ever expect to maintain a marriage by being away for over a year? Marriages do not survive with long term absences.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

I'm also at the fact that she was in tears when I left for my deployment. Then she was cold when I returned. Her friends told she needed to stop her behavior. 

I won't ever forget our first time having sex with her when I got home. She told how good it felt because she hadn't had a penis inside her in 7 months. Obviously I now know that was a lie. How many other lies are there?

4 months later, I didn't even know about her affair and she cut me off emotionally and sexually. Obviously something was up. She told me her feelings for me were numb. Not that it makes right, so I spent the night with someone else. Someone who actually enjoyed being around me. My wife knew nothing about that. I told that after I knew about hers. That was a bad move. I should have kept it to myself because now she thinks what she did all summer is ok. It is clear that she stopped loving me months ago.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

aine said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm pretty much going to be gone for a month as I have a firearms instructor course. She's free to do whatever she wants during that time. I'll only see her on weekends. Basically since I left for the middle east, I haven't seen my wife in over a year. I miss her.
> ...


It's the military reserves. When your time, you have to go. Most military wives are loyal. It's a sacrifice.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> What I meant was when I deployed, she was in tears as I left. I was only gone 7 months. At the halfway point, she started using drugs and having an affair. When I got home know something was up. I didn't know about the affair until recently. What *I'm saying is I miss old wife. I haven't seen her.*


That is selfish thinking Mike. Can't you understand your wife wants her old husband back too? The one that did not cheat on her, or upload porn of her, or run off to the reserves without consulting her etc.

Your old wife is gone. YOU had a big hand in "making" your new wife. If you want you old wife then divorce. Are you able to make your marriage work with your "new" wife after you both clean up your acts?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> It's the military reserves. When your time, you have to go. Most military wives are loyal. It's a sacrifice.


Most non military wives are loyal too.

You joined the reserves without her input. Why was that? Were you running away from the family? Obviously you knew the risk of deployment was high.

Yes, there was a sacrifice. Through this "selfish" decision you decided to sacrifice your marriage and have your family (that is wife AND kids) live without you. Don't spin this that your wife is unpatriotic, or unwilling to sacrifice for you or the family, or that the "when your time, your have to go" was a surprise.

I would have respected your decision to join the reserves and serve your country if the decision was made WITH your wife in mind. Don't just expect her to sacrifice and "suck it up" while you go off doing what you wanted to do.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > What I meant was when I deployed, she was in tears as I left. I was only gone 7 months. At the halfway point, she started using drugs and having an affair. When I got home know something was up. I didn't know about the affair until recently. What *I'm saying is I miss old wife. I haven't seen her.*
> ...


That's what we are shooting for. What you are saying is 100% true. We are going to counseling. We will talk with my aunt and uncle who survived this. We will have some time apart to think while I attend this advanced training for my job. We fired a few shots at each other this morning which always leads to a solid heart to heart talk. Thank you so much for reading and your input.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > It's the military reserves. When your time, you have to go. Most military wives are loyal. It's a sacrifice.
> ...


I have come to terms with that. That has been brought up. I offered to resign but now she wants me to stay in. I regret joining back up for sure. I have about 10 regrets that may avoided all of this. I really hoping on of getting though and coming out with a marriage stronger than ever.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mike1911 said:


> I've come with everything. I have been self centered. I told her I will never fail again. This is the worst place I have ever been. If she gives me another chance I'm never coming back here


Spoken like a true addict and I think the intent is good at the time it is said. You are feeling some remorse here however, what happens when your wife disappoints you over a subject (doesn't matter the topic), perhaps she is too tired for sex. What is then your reaction. You think you could actually communicate with her, be loving towards her, find a way to make it work for both of you, or will it be easier to satisfy your own heart's desires and jump right back to the addictive behavior?


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Again. Thank you everyone for reading our story. Even though some of your comments are brutal, they are realistic. I know the things we did to each other are despicable. Despite what we did and if you knew us personally, you would see we are both good people.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mike1911 said:


> I was hoping this forum would be helpful, it's making me more depressed. We both are going though spiraling emotions. Sometimes we are optimistic other times we feel like quitting. Our friends and family are heart broken as well. Neither of us can function. I am afraid I might loose my job too because I can't get though the pain.


It's making you feel depressed because you probably were looking for support but your behavior does not deserve support. You are being very blaming which indicates that you are not taking a serious look at your own behavior and how that has effected your wife. Until you take accountability for your actions, truly look at yourself in the mirror without any excuses for your behavior, this marriage will remain what it has been. This is not about your wife and her being cold to you. That is her natural reaction to some very violating behavior in this marriage. You cannot treat someone like dirty and expect them to jump into your arms lovingly, it is not going to happen. Just because you say you are sorry means NOTHING until you actions speak for themselves. No doubt the trust she has for you are this point is virtually nothing.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > I was hoping this forum would be helpful, it's making me more depressed. We both are going though spiraling emotions. Sometimes we are optimistic other times we feel like quitting. Our friends and family are heart broken as well. Neither of us can function. I am afraid I might loose my job too because I can't get though the pain.
> ...


I didn't write my story well. I have seen it just how you put it. Thank you for your advice.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > I've come with everything. I have been self centered. I told her I will never fail again. This is the worst place I have ever been. If she gives me another chance I'm never coming back here
> ...


Going back to my old behavior will only put us down this road again. I never want to compromise our marriage again.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> *We fired a few shots at each other this morning* which always leads to a solid heart to heart talk.


Will you please stop thinking that the fighting is "always" beneficial and leads to progress. Yes sometimes it does, but it will continually wear you and her down. It ALWAYS wears you done. At some point, if not already reached, one of you will just say that you are done with the fighting and done with the marriage. 

Jeez. You could not even go a few hours today without fighting. Notice I did not say her. I said YOU.

I bet that you do not fight with your commanding office and you do not even love him. You LOVE your wife but you FIGHT against her. 

Think about that.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > *We fired a few shots at each other this morning* which always leads to a solid heart to heart talk.
> ...


Fighting is actually a harsh word for how we argue. We really don't even raise our voices. We just talk. There is little blame at this point.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Mike1911 said:


> Fighting is actually a harsh word for how we argue. We really don't even raise our voices. We just talk. There is little blame at this point.




Both of you are to blame.
Fighting in circles gets you absolutely nowhere.
You can fight affectively and a MC would help you learn the tools to do that.
So when you fight and have a heart to heart do things change? You two are in a place where heart to hearts aren't enough. You both need solid help.
Whether it is IC combined with MC or IC combined with divorce.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike1911 said:


> Fighting is actually a harsh word for how we* argue*. We really don't even raise our voices. We just talk. There is little blame at this point.


Has your wife ever called your stubborn? :smile2:

Let's not get caught up in semantics. Fighting, arguing, parting shots, etc are all the same negative actions that CERTAINLY take an emotional toll on your wife and you (even if you do not realize it).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dude. Call it quits. Your very screwed up, get healthy, and your wife is a serial cheater that basically fvcks idiots nearly in front of her kids and corrects them when they ask her what the hell she is doing.

Oh and the drug use is really attractive too.

Is she still around the moron?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Dude. Call it quits. Your very screwed up, get healthy, and your wife is a serial cheater that basically fvcks idiots nearly in front of her kids and corrects them when they ask her what the hell she is doing.
> 
> Oh and the drug use is really attractive too.
> 
> ...


It appears she is done with him. She still insists on being Facebook friends because they been friends since elementary school. He only lives 10 minutes away. I learned he was d7ck in a glass case for past relationships as well. She told me the sexual part stopped before I came home. After that be and she were bold enough to hang out together. During the past month when things were getting bad, I told him things and he listened. There's gotta more to the story. If she wants to fix things or be with him, she's going to do what she wants. I later texted him and warned him. I made sure it was a warning, not a thread. I have no desire to hurt the boy.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > Fighting is actually a harsh word for how we* argue*. We really don't even raise our voices. We just talk. There is little blame at this point.
> ...


Ok since all this had happened, our communication has really improved. I said to if we can talk about this, we can talk about anything in the future. It's Easter and we are going to my sister's house. My wife and I agreed we won't talk about it. Everyone now knows as shyt spreds. We tell everyone NOT TODAY. This morning I gave her an Easter card. Something I never did before. It was a nice card. I hand wrote " For better or for worse, my love for you is unconditional."


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

No no

Don't even try to rebuild anything if she still has him on FB.
No contact means NO contact. Dhe had to delete him.
What stops her from contacting him to "hang out" when you are away next.
I really really feel sorry for your kids...


Sent from my iPhone


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Mike1911 said:


> blueinbr said:
> 
> 
> > Mike1911 said:
> ...


And yes I have been know to be stubborn


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> No no
> 
> Don't even try to rebuild anything if she still has him on FB.
> No contact means NO contact. Dhe had to delete him.
> ...


She said she won't. I have to trust her not to. I can put my foot down, but I can't control her.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Mike1911 said:


> She said she won't. I have to trust her not to. I can put my foot down, but I can't control her.



Yes she wants to keep the fires burning. IMO this means she has no interest in trying to save anything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mike1911 said:


> She said she won't. I have to trust her not to. I can put my foot down, but I can't control her.


You got nothing. No chance if she won't get to serious work on repairing the marriage.

If she is too stupid to not cut all contact with her fvckboy then you are both wasting your time.

If you even want to attempt reconciliation then you best stop fvcking around with stupid shyt and treat things seriously.

She is in danger of losing her children because she is such a Goddamn moron!

Wake the hell up or you won't even be worrying about a marriage but where the kids are going to end up!

NO CONTACT AND SERIOUS, INTENSIVE COUNSELING NOW!

Anything else is bvllshyt and rainbows up your ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You love your wife and your children so much that you cheated on her twice, illegally published recordings of her having sex on the Internet (no model release forms, presumably) and you went off for military service having forgotten to tell her.

She cheated on you once.

Now I have a headache. 

Can your wife and you save your marriage? The one you blew to pieces?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMlRpN8ANrU


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In my opinion you need to focus on becoming a mature, responsible man. 

To this point you have held your marriage cheap and been a terrible role model for your children.

No one is hopeless and you can redeem your life by starting right now to act like an adult. An adult who is married doesn't randomly sleep around and then minimize the effect on his spouse. An adult doesn't make sex videos of his wife and post them online. 

What an adult does do is care for and guide his children. He stays faithful to his wife and supports his family.

Completely independent of the train wreck that is your W, you must grow up and become a man with honor if you want any chance of redeeming your life.

Your W must tend her side of the street. She sounds like a serial cheater who is herself a bad role model for your children. She needs her own help.

So, the answer to your question is that you cannot save your marriage unless you both become reasonable adults. You can keep it going on life support, but you can't make it healthy until you work successfully on yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay away from the ladies until you D....take care of your kid...and get rid of the "normal" you.

You will have to fake this for a while but you need to be positive...you need to be different..she seeS the same old you ...so stop being the normal you and BE BETTER!!!!

This isn't about her, this is about you. STOP BEING NORMAL!

I mean don't be all crazy, be confident and controlled in the choices you make and be the guy any chick would love to have...a positive guy who has direction.

Right now she has to earn the right to be part of that eguation.

Once you have fond your direction it will be up to her to get on board and keep up.

In the end you will have the control on what you will and will not tolerate from a future partners....and even the curant partner.

At the end of the day she will either except the protection you have to offer in saving the marriage or she will phuck you over time and again. For now she needs to see a guy the is moving forward with or with out her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mike1911 said:


> She said she won't. I have to trust her not to. I can put my foot down, but I can't control her.


You don't need to put your foot down or control her. You just need to be a guy she can follow and trust.
And only your actions can show her that. You turn around and walk away.

Once you start meeting your kids needs, she just might figure out that in the long run you just might meet her needs. But for now your old lady is fine with some two bit loser.

You can't compete.

The sad part is.....before she figures this shyt out you may have found a replacement.

She is scared to recommit to you (do you blame her) you have to work on you and let her see her own mistakes. As sad as it is she could have another kid and be even more phucked up before she sees how broken she is.

You know you are broken....fix it and bring it home for the next relationship......I hope she catches up and you guys can grow old together. if not then find and keep a women that will be a great step mom to your kid.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's really important to make sure this affair is dead.... you need to confirm this by your own means.

Think about it...she made a promise years ago not to phuck around and she broke that one.......you just can't trust them until they earn the trust back.

Trust me you are in a win win if all contact has stopped and it can be confirmed....but if she is still screwing around you can not save this shyt.

This cheating crap is addicting.....you need to make sure it's done before you can even think about keeping the family together.

You need to plant a GPS and a VAR and confirm you aren't still getting burned.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what it's worth there is a huge degree of betrayal and disrespect to take a lover home and do "it" when the kids are around....IDK maybe she thought you weren't coming home, but the fact remains that your old lady is way more into this guy to think she went cold turky on this guy.

I mean when my old lady was phucking around she never brought them around the house...they were just a band aid from the abuse she had to deal with from me and kept her toys away from the home. And thats the thing these POS were just used just as much as they were using her....but she know that and kept them at bay.

In your case you need to do your own investigation to make sure she is really commited in keeping the family unit together.

My point is that saving the marriage just might not be in your control if she is still in contact with this POS. So.....you need to make sure this affair is dead!

My last question is....Will she do this again in 2 or 5 years from now with a new guy or the same guy?


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

She did unfriend him on Facebook. I'm not sure when she did that. I haven't been tracking her every move.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

the guy said:


> It's really important to make sure this affair is dead.... you need to confirm this by your own means.
> 
> Think about it...she made a promise years ago not to phuck around and she broke that one.......you just can't trust them until they earn the trust back.
> 
> ...


I'm not going to spy on her. That would just drive us both crazy. I offered to put life 360 on our phones. I'll know when we are happy again. We have children she can't leave when wants. She cheated on me when I got deployed in our house. My mother didn't even think this guy was a threat because he is so unmanly. She never wanted me to leave her, so I'm not going to reenlist.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

the guy said:


> For what it's worth there is a huge degree of betrayal and disrespect to take a lover home and do "it" when the kids are around....IDK maybe she thought you weren't coming home, but the fact remains that your old lady is way more into this guy to think she went cold turky on this guy.
> 
> I mean when my old lady was phucking around she never brought them around the house...they were just a band aid from the abuse she had to deal with from me and kept her toys away from the home. And thats the thing these POS were just used just as much as they were using her....but she know that and kept them at bay.
> 
> ...


If I treat better and give her the attention she needs, I don't think she'll do it again. I also must say goodbye to my military reserve career and stay home. I hate being away from home anyway.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She needs to block him! Depending on settings she can still pull up his page and vice versa. They could also see what gets posted by each other on their friends posts.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What is worse I wonder......the fact that you have to give up a partial career in order to prevent your wife from cheating or that the moment you leave the house for any particular period of time she feels the need to cheat. In other words you have to babysit a cheater, good luck with that.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

He appears to be gone.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

Xenote said:


> What is worse I wonder......the fact that you have to give up a partial career in order to prevent your wife from cheating or that the moment you leave the house for any particular period of time she feels the need to cheat. In other words you have to babysit a cheater, good luck with that.


I have left often for work. We never had issues before. Over the past 2 years I failed to make her feel loved.


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## Mike1911 (Mar 26, 2016)

We had Easter dinner at my sister's house yesterday. We took a nice family photo and posted it on Facebook. It got plenty of likes. We are still a family!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mike1911 said:


> We had Easter dinner at my sister's house yesterday. We took a nice family photo and posted it on Facebook. It got plenty of likes. We are still a family!


:lol: :rofl:


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

aine said:


> Mike1911 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm pretty much going to be gone for a month as I have a firearms instructor course. She's free to do whatever she wants during that time. I'll only see her on weekends. Basically since I left for the middle east, I haven't seen my wife in over a year. I miss her.
> ...


It is very challenging to be absent frequently, especially if your spouse is needy for quality time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Xenote said:


> What is worse I wonder......the fact that you have to give up a partial career in order to prevent your wife from cheating or that the moment you leave the house for any particular period of time she feels the need to cheat. In other words you have to babysit a cheater, good luck with that.


Both cheated.
Both have addictions.
Both left the marriage - one physically and one emotionally.

I cannot see taking any sides here. Both are just as bad.

But we will help them both.....


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Mike1911 said:


> We had Easter dinner at my sister's house yesterday. We took a nice family photo and posted it on Facebook. It got plenty of likes. We are still a family!




Oh yes...a nice family photo erases everything in the past and everything that is happening now.
You need to stop focusing on family pictures. Right now that is all an illusion.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I almost never recommend this, but a legal separation while you both work on yourselves and your issues might be in order. Then, after some time apart, you can decide whether it is favorable to move forward.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mike1911 said:


> Obviously something was up. She told me her feelings for me were numb. Not that it makes right, so I spent the night with someone else. Someone who actually enjoyed being around me.


Wow. So as long as she's kissing your ass, you'll be faithful?

What did you get married for?

I think if you're trying to save the marriage, you need to start going to marriage counseling so you both can discuss all the hurts you've experienced and find a way to get past them. And hopefully, the MC will help you understand what a commitment to another person really means.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You two need to let each other go. And YOU need to get help for yourself, or you will NEVER be capable of having a healthy relationship.


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