# Dazed and Confused



## Melicaraven (Dec 2, 2011)

Please bear with me as not only is this my first time here but also this may be more information in one post than anyone deserves.

I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have 3 kids, two are mine from a previous marriage, the youngest a product of our marriage. 

He has been employed over the years mostly in the trucking industry as a driver and most recently as an owner/operator with his own truck, while I am a stay at home mom.

Over the last 4 or 5 years he has been spending more and more time on the road. It went from being gone for a day or two and be able to stop by the house for the night then off again to make another drop and get reloaded, which I could deal with his absence a bit easier because I knew it was only for a couple of days until it went to being gone for the whole week and being home only on the weekends, which was a bit harder on the both of us. In order to deal with the absence both of us started to shut down our feelings over the last couple of years, so when the time came and he was home it was hard to jump into a loving relationship and it had put a strain on our marriage. 

Love making was becoming non-existent as when he came home he was either tired or had to work on the truck for his runs the next week. It became just having sex, no foreplay and I hated it because I felt no love coming from him at all, just that he wanted that release. I wouldn't initiate anything because I felt that was all I was ever going to get. He came up with excuses earlier this year that he thought he had erectile dysfunction and that was his excuse for not initiating anything and I wouldn't try to start anything for fear that he would be embarrassed of not being able to perform.

I knew we were in trouble and tried to talk to him about us be he is not much in the way of conveying his feelings so he shuts down. 

A month and a half ago he finally broke down and told me we had a problem and I wholeheartedly agreed that we needed to talk.

I learned more from him than I think I wanted to know but he says he is being honest with me and if that's what it takes to work this out then I guess I have to take the good with the bad.

He's told me that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. We've been together for 20 years and wants to make it work.

He told me that a few months ago he had met a gal that was moving into a room at his friends and his wifes house because her marriage had fallen apart and she needed a place to stay (she happened to live next door). During the time of the move she would chat and tell him all her problems, he's a good listener and gave her a shoulder to cry on and would try to comfort her. He's always been the strong quiet type and tries to help everyone out no matter the cost to himself. He'd give you the shirt off his back if he thought it would help. I knew about him helping her move and probably should have gone to help but I had other commitments and couldn't. Evidently this gal felt that he had become such a good friend and confidant that she would call and text him on his cell while he's on the road, which I am only just learning of all of these revelations in the past month.
Since we agreed to try and salvage our marriage I went on a few trips with him for a couple of weeks and we were working things out and romance was returning along with the love making. I was bored one day and was playing with his phone and and looking through the pictures he had and found 2 that she had sent him...nothing provocative...just head shots and asked him why she was sending him pictures. He had no idea why she sent them and I jumped to the conclusion that a woman does not send pictures to a married man unless she has ulterior motives. She had also sent him a request to friend on Facebook which he accepted. 

We talked that night and I asked him about her and he admitted that during one of the times that he was comforting her that he had given her a hug to calm her down and she kissed him on his neck. He also admitted that when he was around her that he got tongue tied and butterflies in his stomach. I told him if he wanted our marriage to work that he needed to cut all ties with her and he told me he would. He unfriended her on FB deleted the pictures on the phone but he had not told her to not contact him as he said he would because she is a friend. 

The friends of ours that she is staying with saw that there was some sort of connection starting between the two of them and sat them both down and told them that there would be no extramarital affairs happening on their property. Seeing as how my husband has been parking and working on his truck at their home in their garage and a possibility of her being there at the same time I begin to stress out anytime the truck needs work. Supposedly they avoid each other so as to not cause problems for the ones who are putting a roof over her head.

Tonight it all came to a head, my husband came home and was very distant. I asked him what was wrong and he paused. I told him he seemed upset over something. I had sent him something earlier in the day referring to Love and In Love and what the differences and similarities were in my head. I told him that we had been doing great for the past few weeks so what was making him confused. "She" called him this morning while he was driving and told him she missed him...(she had gone to MT for a few weeks). I lost it...told him he can't have his cake and eat it to. I wasn't going to sit by and give 100% and more to make our marriage work if he was only going to give 80% because he has her drifting in and out of his mind because she can't understand the fact that he's married. I got a hold of his phone and left a message on her phone that she needs to stay the hell away from MY husband before he grabbed the phone away. I just did the one thing that he didn't want me to do, he never wanted me to confront her that he would handle it. I got tired of waiting for him to deal with it so I did it for him and probably just blew up my marriage. I told him he needed to think about what he wants and whether we have a chance in hell to salvage what we have. He's now sitting at his Dad's house supposedly thinking about the situation. I hope I haven't totally screwed myself by finally sticking up for myself and a marriage I don't want to end. 

Any and all advice would be appreciated and I told it would be a long one...any questions I will try to give answers..


god bless all


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Sorry you are in this sitaution.

You probably did the best thing you could for your marriage - you put your foot down. 

When a spouse is involved with someone else, the best thing to do it set clear boundaries for what you need to reconcile. This list should include:

1) No contact with the other person
2) total transparency with everything - email, phone, facebook, etc.
3) counseling either individually or as a couple

You also need to tell him that IF he does those things you will consider trying to reconcile and that if he breaks any of the requirements above there will be consequences (you kick him out or you file for divorce). Just be prepared to act on those consequences and never make empty threats.

Your H didn't ask the other woman for NC because he wanted to stay in touch with her. He is having at least an emotional affair but probably a physical affair.

I would highly recommend going to survivinginfidelity. com, which is a free website like this one, only it focuses exclusively on infidelity. It was a godsend to me when my husband had an emotional affair 5 years ago.

The one thing you must not do is beg him to come back. HE is the one who cheated so HE needs to be the one to WORK to get you back. Him knowing he will lose you and your life together is probably the best way to get him to snap out of this fog. Don't call him, don't email or text him. Let him come back to you. And when he does, let him know that he's got some work to do to earn you back. Any other dynamic doesn't work.


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## Melicaraven (Dec 2, 2011)

Thank you Laurae for your reply. 

He did text me last night late saying "damn his honest heart" which confused me so a replied with "?" he said that if had never told me the truth and lied that we wouldn't be in this position. He has said there has been no "physical" cheating as of yet and I tend to believe that so far. He spoke with our daughter and was upset with the fact that I had accused him of being with her and that was what was hurting him.

However being currently at his Dad's and supposedly thinking about the situation and trying to figure out what he wants to do may not be the best thing for him. He has spoken with his Dad about the situation and a few friends including the ones who are currently housing the other woman but they do not have the whole story and therefore can not give him correct advice on the situation if he so chose to talk to them for direction. 

Only the ones housing the other woman know that there was a connection between him and her and put a stop to it on their part. Everyone else he has spoken to only thinks that our problem derives from him feeling uncomfortable and unwanted here at home when he comes home from a week on the road.

You can only advise based on the information you have and any other advise would be misleading.

I will not beg for him to come back to me. I've cried all the tears I can over the past month and a half and last night when this all came to a head it was just fury that fueled me to the point that I put my foot down.

A question: Would confronting the other woman and letting her know that I'm not going down without a fight do more harm than good?


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## Melicaraven (Dec 2, 2011)

Couldn't deal with the current frustration and sent a text to the OW telling her to back off during the night. I got a text back this morning from what I have found out throughout the day is her possibly soon to be fiance'. She had left her phone at his house at breakfast and he took it upon himself to find out who and what the heck was going on. 

He attempted to get my husbands phone number from me so he could handle the situation and I kept refusing. I told him of the things that she had done or initiated with my H, and he's furious demanding the number.

Earlier in the morning before breakfast my H and the OW had a few texts shared between them asking how each was doing if they had gotten any sleep etc. She relayed to my H that I had sent her a text and omg she didn't need this, told him that his wife loves him and forget about her that he needs to make his marriage work. 

He came home threw the phone at me and made me read the texts as he left the room, saying I hope you're happy, I hate you. I read them, and she basically called it quits and all that happy stuff. Her texts turned into her fiance' telling him to back off and my H appologizing for me sending her a text to begin with. Evidently my H had referred to me as his X which is news to me since I wasn't an X until all of this blew up yesterday.

I walked out to him and handed him his phone and asked "now what". I told him he can't blame me for this, I could tell he was heartbroken almost on the verge of tears but refused to shed them. Said he was heading down to go pick up his jeep and bring it back up here which means he will be spending time trying to fix this piece of junk as that is his way of avoiding a problem, find something to tinker with or work.

Further texts with the OW fiance' states that he had just driven down here to take her back to Montana and he's hoping she will say yes to his proposal. I have a bright moment in the day I doubt there will be many more in the near future.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I recommend you post in the CWI forum, you'll get a lot of insight from people who have gone thru similar situations


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

His reactions are not those of an innocent man who is. Leary choosing to make his wife his priority. He is more worried about her reaction, and more worried about loosing ongoing contact. Sounds like an EA is going on here.

And if there is nothing going on, then WTF does he need to go think about at his dads about???

So I call bs on his just acquaintances and nothing more. There is clearly a budding EA here that he is afraid of ending.

You did good to expose her. It may have been the best thing you could have done. He and she clearly were only going to go deeper if left alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One question. You said she was staying at these peoples house because she was getting divorced? But suddenly she has a fiancé? Is she a serial cheater who got caught by her husband with other guys, got kicked out, kept on with a guy who thought he had won her, but now she's chasing our husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Melicaraven (Dec 2, 2011)

You know Shaggy you may be on to something. After speaking with our friend that she is/was staying with it seems that she has a lot of friends mostly guys. It seems that she likes the attention that they give her when she is constantly playing her pity card and getting their sympathy. The friend relayed a occasion where she had confronted the OW and my H and the OW stated that there was nothing between them just friendship which seemed to cute my H to the core as he had a shocked look on his face. It also seems that her soon to be X has been having an affair with her best friend for years and finally moved the new gf into the house after booting her. Evidently she has loads of men that she has hooked and used them for what she can get until something better takes the bait. I feel sorry for this new guy.


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