# We Discovered My Husband Has a Kid



## JMH1983333 (Jul 11, 2019)

I’m a married female in my 30s. My husband and I don't have any kids together, but several years ago when we were dating (living together), he found out he had a kid with a woman he dated momentarily 5 years prior. He was told to never contact her, so he didn't. It was confirmed with a DNA test that the kid was in fact his, so we've been paying $400 of child support every month for about 4 years now. I figured the kid would come into the picture one day, but figured we'd be married with at least one kid before it happened.

One month before our wedding (last year), his family reached out to the mother to develop a relationship with the mother and kid. This infuriated me and my husband because we didn't feel it was their place to do that. We were never asked and had no decision in the matter. If ever given the opportunity, we wanted to do it when we were ready, not during one of the most stressful times of our life trying to plan a wedding. Considering we couldn't turn back time, we had to accept it. I wasn't going to call off the wedding over something like this, especially since my husband didn't do anything wrong. I love my husband more than life itself and was willing to let it go.

We got married and 4 months later, the kid wanted to meet my husband. My husband was actually happy about this and since I want him to be happy, it made me happy too. We met the kid, half-brother, and mother and everything went great. The kids were well behaved and the mother was very nice. Although my husband doesn't have any legal rights, they settled their differences and the mother agreed to allow my husband to be involved in the kid's life.

The mother and kids became good friends with my husband very quickly after the initial meeting. They talk and text quite often and say its only about the kids, but I still feel its a lot when they have 20 texts a day and a more than one call a week. Plus we only met them a few months ago and I feel it's moving very fast. He leaves his phone unlocked for me to read messages if I want and I'm pretty confident I can trust him, but it seems as though he and the mother are becoming best friends. He's even talked about us moving closer (within 10 minutes or same neighborhood) since we're on the other side of the state. I just got settled into our new home and am tired of moving. Plus I'm not sure I'm ready or ever will be ready to be that close.

My husband has even traveled overnight to visit the kid when he knew I was unavailable. I made him stay somewhere else since he's not allowed to stay at her house alone, but I was still very upset he was going without me. I've tried being friends with the mother so she'll talk to me and schedule "play dates" with me rather than with my husband. I'm trying to minimize my husband's contact with the mother so that my husband can focus on the kid. My husband has even told her I'm the one that makes the schedule and runs the finances, but she still reaches out to him. My husband is too nice and is afraid that saying anything that will make her take the kids away, so he continues like no big deal.

Our weekends are starting to fill up with activities with the mother and kids and its starting to cost a lot. My husband likes to pay for everyone, including the mother, unless I stop him. Don’t forget we already at $400 in child support. We were just starting to get financially stable with me making more money and then our expenses went way up.

My husband has been wanting kids for a while now. I only waited out of fear of losing our free time and not having enough money, but my thoughts are different now. Aside from already wanting kids, I figured giving him a child would help him focus a little more on our family again without excluding his son. Not trying to sound mean, but I figured if our free time is already being taken away for his kid and half-brother, why not embrace the kid thing and focus time on a baby as well. Not to mention we're not getting any younger. Plus we can finally afford a baby if he stops paying for everyone.

I recently approached my husband to say I'm ready to try for a baby, thinking he would be super excited. Before I could get it out, he tells me he isn't ready for a kid yet since he's already got enough on his plate with the kid(s) he has with the other woman. As if I wasn't struggling enough with adjusting, this just tore my heart out. It took me a long time to finally feel ready for kids and now that I am, he tells me his other family is keeping him too busy to have a family with me.

I'm not mad at my husband for a kid from his past. I'm not mad at the kids since it's not their fault. I'm not even mad at the mom for wanting her kid to know the father. I am upset though because I feel like my husband is starting to go through parenthood without me and worst of all, with another woman, even if neither of them have ill intentions. I suddenly feel like I went from being his #1 to last place after the kids and mother. Its like I'm watching my husband get consumed by this other family.

My husband is an extremely good man and I know he loves me, but I never thought I'd wake up one day to find my husband's the dad of a young kid, or two, and it wouldn't be with me. Again, I'm very happy that my husband is finally getting to have a relationship with his kid, but didn't think it would come with two other people, one of which is a grown woman. My whole world has been flipped upside down. I'm afraid that if I don't give husband kids soon, I will lose him. 

The mother and I are have similar personalities, physical features, and weight. However, she has kids (one that's my husband's blood) and I don't have any. She's single and has a lot to offer, including a well paying job and a better home than ours, so I feel like she will always be on the back burner. My husband could easily leave me for her if he wants to. What’s even worse is my husband feels being a father is his calling, so he often gets depressed when his kid isn’t around and it affects our love life.

I've tried to share my feelings with my husband and he listens, but has a hard time understanding my perspective. He thinks I'm mad at him or the kid and I'm not. He says he missed out on a lot of time with the kid and just wants to do what is right. I want him to take care of the kid, but involve me more and the mother less, but he seems to enjoy involving the mother. What do u do when the mother has so much power over the situation? My husband doesn’t want to go to court, understandably, because he feels we're in the best situation possible. You would think that, but for some reason it doesn't feel that way to me.

I refuse to consider the D word. I believe in working through it, but don't know how. Am I wrong for having the feelings that I do? Is my husband being too nice and needs to scale back to a happy medium or do I need to just learn to cope? Thoughts on the baby situation? I just feel so lost and alone. Its really hard and I have no one to help me through this. Just looking for honest (but nice) feedback. Any suggestions to help me keep my marriage from falling apart? Thanks for reading all of this.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah, DNA or no DNA, he is violating boundaries left and right. I get that he wants a relationship with his son, but this is too much. I'd do some snooping.


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## JMH1983333 (Jul 11, 2019)

To add more to the story, I’ve shared a lot of feelings with my husband regarding the mom and other kid. The half-brother hardly has a relationship with his dad who is out of the picture and is affected by this, so my husband feels obligated to take on that kid too rather than separating the kids and making one feel left out. I’m trying to be understanding and have the WWJD approach. As far as the mom, my husband grew up with divorced parents who always stayed friends. He said it just made their family bigger, so doesn’t find anything wrong with being friends with the mom and having her there for every vacation and family get together. He said he just doesn’t want any drama, but I feel like his attempt at no drama is causing drama. I just feel invaded. If it wasn’t for this, my husband and I are great together.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

JMH1983333 said:


> To add more to the story, I’ve shared a lot of feelings with my husband regarding the mom and other kid. The half-brother hardly has a relationship with his dad who is out of the picture and is affected by this, so my husband feels obligated to take on that kid too rather than separating the kids and making one feel left out. I’m trying to be understanding and have the WWJD approach. As far as the mom, my husband grew up with divorced parents who always stayed friends. He said it just made their family bigger, so doesn’t find anything wrong with being friends with the mom and having her there for every vacation and family get together. He said he just doesn’t want any drama, but I feel like his attempt at no drama is causing drama. I just feel invaded. If it wasn’t for this, my husband and I are great together.


Here's the thing. He made vows to you. Now, some people will say that his biological child that he just met trumps all of that. I disagree. He needs to understand that his marriage is at least as important as his child, and definitely MORE important than a woman he is NOT married to and a child he did not father.

Is he conflict-avoidant? Does he tend to have people-pleasing tendencies? You say everything is great before this, but take a look at your entire relationship....is his practice of assuming you should understand and capitulate to whatever is important to him really limited to this situation?

How important to him are you? Of course, it is not meant to be a competition, but if he is at all rational, he HAS to know that this is causing legitimate resentment on your part. And I'll just say it....if a woman was rearranging her life and spending alone time with the father of her child, and the husband came here for advice, pretty much every frequent poster on male threads would tell him she was cheating.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Your in-laws really screwed the two of you over. This is a horrible situation and I don’t think there’s any good solution.

Maybe H’s parents can take his parenting time, and sometimes H goes over to his parents’ house to see his son. The mother can communicate with his parents instead of him. She needs to be kindly and politely kept far away from H.

Your H should understand why you don’t want him having any direct contact with his former lover, the mother. He needs to agree to stop taking her calls and texts. She can contact you or his parents if it’s necessary to reach him. It seldom should be necessary if he has no legal rights.

When you explain your perspective to your H, he should try and put himself in your shoes. He doesn’t need to agree with you, but he should make an effort to understand. Telling you that your wrong and responding with his perspective suggests he isn’t really listening.

His ex-lover, who looks like you but has a better job and is the mother of his only child, has no business being invited to vacations or holidays. His son, perhaps, but no contact between H and her. Additionally, if he’s not leaving you for her, then he should not be acting as stepfather to her other child. I get the WWJD thing, but in this case, no. I think you have every reason to feel insecure about this situation and react accordingly.

If she’s a bad person then your fears are well-founded. If she’s a good person, she will understand and stay away from H and allow him to see his son. If she stops allowing her son to visit his paternal family because she can’t stay in direct contact with her former lover, that tells you what you need to know about her intentions.

I thought that child support obligations and parenting rights go hand-in-hand? If he has no rights to custody then why does he have an obligation to pay support?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"I thought that child support obligations and parenting rights go hand in hand. If he has no rights to custody then why does he have an obligation to pay support?"

Welcome to America, where fathers arextreated like crap by the court system


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"I refuse to consider the D word".....That's all I needed to hear.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’re husband is not “an extremely good man”, in fact he is a selfless *******. 
You are in your thirties and he tells you he is not ready for a child. What about you? Do you get to have an opinion?
You will soon be nearing an age when pregnancy risks increase, he doesn’t care, he has his child plus a spare and a ready and willing woman who probably regrets ever letting him go in the first place. 
You say that you don’t want to consider the divorce word. You damn well ought to be considering it because you are rapidly becoming the background noise in his relationship with his ex. 
And as for your in-laws, they are no friends to your marriage.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Since this woman is such a great catch, she needs to get off her azz and find her own man. She had her chance with your man and...what happened? Why did they split? 

How old is the child and the childs brother?

Yes it is sad for the other kid they don't have a dad, but who's fault is that? The mom's, the absent dad's. And it is not your hubby's job to take up the slack. And it is sure not his job to be taking care of this other woman and spending time with her and her other kid, when he made vows to you. 

You need to lay down the law and set some boundaries.

The other kid and the mom are not included. 

Pick up/drop off is at set times and text needs to be for emergencys only. 

He had no business traveling without you to see them.

What do I think?

I think you may want to get the hell out now while you still can.

No kids yet, cut ties.

He can go play happy family with them if that is what he wants.

Terrible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your husband pays child support but has no legal rights and/or custody of his child. This is a HUGE mistake. He needs to get a lawyer and set up shared custody and a time schedule so that he has equal time with his son.

The way it is right now, the mother is 100% in control. 

Right now it's a bit of a honeymoon. It's about 100% that this I not going to last long and the mother will start using the child to control things.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Your husband should be treating this obligation in the same way any non custodial parent would treat it when they break up with the other parent.

That is visitation, should only consider the child not the rest of the family. Has there been a court of any sort? I hate saying it, but maybe speaking to a lawyer or going to a legal clinic may help you know what legally your husband's obligations are.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You say that your husband pays child support but has no legal rights and/or custody of his child. This is a HUGE mistake. He needs to get a lawyer and set up shared custody and a time schedule so that he has equal time with his son.
> 
> *The way it is right now, the mother is 100% in control.
> *
> Right now it's a bit of a honeymoon. It's about 100% that this I not going to last long and the mother will start using the child to control things.


Effectively, he's practicing polygamy. If you do nothing OP, I would not be surprised when you admit that he's sleeping with her ....... and she's trying to get pregnant again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He told you "his other family (!!!) is keeping him too busy to have kids with you" and yet you still state divorce is not an option?

I fear there is no way you are ever going to be happy in this marriage. And, you'll lose your own chance to be a mother, biologically, due your refusal to face the fact that divorce is probably your only option for happiness.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I won’t advise you to “accidentally” get pregnant by your husband. That would be wrong.

But I think you’d be in a better position if you suddenly got pregnant than divorcing him and trying to find a new man to have kids with in your 30’s.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

JMH1983333 said:


> My husband has been wanting kids for a while now. I only waited out of fear of losing our free time and not having enough money, but my thoughts are different now. Aside from already wanting kids, I figured giving him a child would help him focus a little more on our family again without excluding his son. Not trying to sound mean, but I figured if our free time is already being taken away for his kid and half-brother, why not embrace the kid thing and focus time on a baby as well. Not to mention we're not getting any younger. Plus we can finally afford a baby if he stops paying for everyone.
> 
> I recently approached my husband to say I'm ready to try for a baby, thinking he would be super excited. Before I could get it out, he tells me he isn't ready for a kid yet since he's already got enough on his plate with the kid(s) he has with the other woman. As if I wasn't struggling enough with adjusting, this just tore my heart out. It took me a long time to finally feel ready for kids and now that I am, he tells me his other family is keeping him too busy to have a family with me......I'm afraid that if I don't give husband kids soon, I will lose him.


Baby to save the marriage never worked and your plan for baby to keep your husband and bring his attention and focus back to you and the marriage won't work either. His nose is open if you know what that term means.



JMH1983333 said:


> My husband is too nice and is afraid that saying anything that will make her take the kids away, so he continues like no big deal.


This is called Guilty Daddy Syndrome and is very, very, VERY common among dads who don't live under the same roof as his children, especially dads who are remarried. It's very normal, and your feelings are normal too. But you stated earlier that he doesn't have any rights. This isn't a matter of the system screwing fathers as someone here submittted. It's a matter of there being no marriage between him and the mother that would have given him rights to his child. But that doesn't mean he has no rights. His rights just are not automatic in the absence of marriage, so that means he has to go and get what is rightfully due him as a father and as a support-paying father. He has to ask for his right to parenting time through the court system, and he will not be denied or screwed over. 

On top of everything else that you are going through, you're going to have to also accept that it will be expensive for him to get custody. But the expense will be worth it in the end for your sake because it will liberate him from the mother's psychological hold that she has on him. He will automatically be afforded every other weekend but can get 50/50 custody if he asks for it. How much parenting time he wants is up to him. She will retain physical custody if he doesn't ask for joint physical custody (50/50). He will have no say in decision making regarding his son if he doesn't ask for joint legal custody.

Just know that while getting custody/parenting time will eliminate his fear of her preventing him from seeing his kid, he's still going to feel inclined to kiss her arse because the new fear will creep in that she will turn the child against him, so he'll continue to placate her in hopes of preventing that from happening. Keep in mind that she's not going to take kindly to him suing her for custody (taking her to court for his parenting rights). She is very much enjoying being in control and won't appreciate having to relinquish any control, so she will do her best to maintain as much control as she can, which will cause him great fear that his kid won't want to visit him and won't enjoy himself when he does. I'm awfully sorry to inform you that you're in for a life of problems, my dear, that don't always end when the child turns 18.



JMH1983333 said:


> I'm not mad at my husband for a kid from his past. I'm not mad at the kids since it's not their fault. I'm not even mad at the mom for wanting her kid to know the father. I am upset though because I feel like my husband is starting to go through parenthood without me and worst of all, with another woman, even if neither of them have ill intentions. I suddenly feel like I went from being his #1 to last place after the kids and mother. Its like I'm watching my husband get consumed by this other family.


Lots of stepmoms feel that way - in last place, on the back burner, nothing compared to his kid(s) and their mother. It's something you will have to determine how much of this you are willing to tolerate.



JMH1983333 said:


> The mother and I are have similar personalities, physical features, and weight. However, she has kids (one that's my husband's blood) and I don't have any. She's single and has a lot to offer, including a well paying job and a better home than ours, so I feel like she will always be on the back burner. My husband could easily leave me for her if he wants to.


It's time you start loving yourself more than you love him. If you don't, you will constantly plague yourself with these fears instead of putting your foot down like you should.



JMH1983333 said:


> I've tried to share my feelings with my husband and he listens, but has a hard time understanding my perspective. He thinks I'm mad at him or the kid and I'm not. He says he missed out on a lot of time with the kid and just wants to do what is right. I want him to take care of the kid, but involve me more and the mother less, but he seems to enjoy involving the mother. What do u do when the mother has so much power over the situation? My husband doesn’t want to go to court, understandably, because he feels we're in the best situation possible. You would think that, but for some reason it doesn't feel that way to me.


It doesn't feel that way to you because that's not the way it is. There is nothing ideal about this situation. Your husband is dating his ex girlfriend while married to you under the guise of visitation. Is that the best situation possible? For him maybe, but I think you're wrong not to suspect anything. He is supposed to work the child into your marriage and lifestyle, but he's pushing you out.



JMH1983333 said:


> I refuse to consider the D word. I believe in working through it, but don't know how. Am I wrong for having the feelings that I do? Is my husband being too nice and needs to scale back to a happy medium or do I need to just learn to cope? Thoughts on the baby situation? I just feel so lost and alone. Its really hard and I have no one to help me through this. Just looking for honest (but nice) feedback. Any suggestions to help me keep my marriage from falling apart? Thanks for reading all of this.


As long as you refuse to consider the D word, you will accept and tolerate all manner of disrespect. I know you don't want a divorce and hope it will never come to that, but you really should consider it may be inevitable one day while being convicted to doing all you can to prevent it. However, doing what you can to prevent divorce should not mean allowing your husband to continue disrespecting you.

There are two things you have to do. One is to stop complaining to your husband. You want to complain, and I don't blame you, but it will only serve to alienate you from him. There are many things you do now or will in the near future want to say, and they need to be said, but he won't hear them coming from you. He needs to either hear them from someone else, someone in authority that he respects, or he needs to hear them coming from you in the safety of a counselor's office.

And finding a good marriage counselor is the second thing you need to do.....pronto. But here's the thing: A marriage counselor is not a marriage counselor is not a marriage counselor. Just because someone hangs a sign doesn't make them good at it, and the biggest problem is that they all claim to work with stepfamilies, but almost none of them are good at THAT. Even many of those who are good marriage counselors are terrible counselors for couples in a stepfamily. They try to apply the same principles and methods as with other couples, but stepfamily couples are a whole different breed of a beast and require an entirely different understanding and approach. There are some stepfamily couples whose problems are mostly the usual kind of marriage-related problems, but everything you shared here with us is totally stepfamily-related. You need a marriage counselor that specializes in stepfamilies. The only way to find that out is to interview a few to see if their beliefs and their approach are acceptable to you. Stepmothers used to only be told they need to be quiet and accept everything their husband and his kids (and their mother) dish out at her. You need to interview various counselors to make sure you don't end up with someone who has those antiquated views. Sit down for an initial consultation and share your situation, and then ask how they usually handle these types of concerns, and believe me, your concerns are very, VERY common, so every counselor who claims to specialize in stepfamilies will (should) be familiar with everything you say and should already have a planned approach. Don't let them hoodwink and dazzle you with boasts of their successes. Look for concrete answers. And record their responses during the interview. Just ask them "Do you mind if I record our consultation?" If they do mind, get up and leave immediately.

You need support from the right people - people who are and have been going through your same circumstances, so there are lots of websites and forums geared to stepmoms that you can find just by googling the word "stepmoms". I know of one or two but would rather not suggest them because even though they are supportive, they are not at all helpful. Really just a bunch of complainers who don't do anything about their own bad situations but advise others what to do. Not ideal if you ask me. If you can't and don't bother to help yourself, what kind of help can you offer someone else? Except of the hypocritical kind of course. And they almost always tell newcomers to divorce their husband because he's so terrible but yet they stay with their own terrible husbands. Go figure. See if google can help you find some real support and shy away from the complaining sites or you could become addicted to them and spend years and years complaining and commiserating but making no progress. Good luck to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Why did your husband only learn years after the birth of his child. Was she using him as a sperm donor?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Your husband needs to make this arrangement formal by getting a lawyer. The court will order a formal custody arrangement with visitation. Be advised though that if your financial situation has changed for the better, your husband's child support might increase. If your husband balks at this suggestion, there might be more to this arrangement than just seeing the kid(s). He is woefully neglectful of you and your marriage.

And having your own child with this man to take the attention off this situation is the worst reason to do so. 

And your in laws should be hung by their toes. What they did was unconscionable. I'm curious-did your husband read them the riot act? He sounds like a nice guy. And I don't mean that as a compliment. Is he conflict avoidant?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband's actions are telling you to shuffle off to Buffalo. He's got his kid(s) and he doesn't want another one. Babymama is looking for a daddy for her kids and he's saying "sign me up!". 

Do you really want a marriage where you're in the backseat and she's in the front with your husband?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> I won’t advise you to “accidentally” get pregnant by your husband. That would be wrong.
> 
> But I think you’d be in a better position if you suddenly got pregnant than divorcing him and trying to find a new man to have kids with in your 30’s.


Oh sh*! !!

Respectfully this is something that I wouldn't say, either in these words or as advice, without some concrete evidence there are relationship and hubby actions improvements. 

Something planned, well communicated between you and hubby, and not as a reason to remain married, yes it may be a blessing. 

And in "your thirties" isn't a death sentence. 😊😊


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> Your in-laws really screwed the two of you over.


The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You are married. Your hubby has always wanted kids and feels that it’s his calling. He’s always wanted you to get pregnant with his baby. If he's not using condoms, accidents do happen.

If you have a kid, wouldn’t that entitle you to a review and modification of child support? A lower amount since he would now be supporting two families?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Theseus said:


> The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.


One month before the wedding? Without giving the father and his bride any notice?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JMH1983333 said:


> He was told to never contact her, so he didn't.


"He was told". I'm assuming that means the mother told him not to contact her. Who cares what she wants. The issue here is the child, and he still could have met with his own son. It's especially ridiculous to be paying child support with no visitation. 


> One month before our wedding (last year), his family reached out to the mother to develop a relationship with the mother and kid. This infuriated me and my husband because we didn't feel it was their place to do that. We were never asked and had no decision in the matter.


It's absolutely their place to do that. They can't force your husband to have a relationship with his child, but they have every right to have their own relationship with a grandson, nephew, etc. Maybe their timing wasn't the best, but the child didn't "belong" to your husband, especially when he wasn't involved in the child's life whatsoever. 

So several years of this man neglecting his child, his family does what he should have done much earlier, by stepping up and contacting this child and his mother. In response, the husband is now over-compensating for all the years he neglected his child, possibly out of guilt.

I do see where this is all very frustrating, and any woman would be hurt by his comments about not being ready for another child now. You say that you have tried to share your feelings with him, but has a hard time understanding your perspective and thinks you are made about the kid. What this boils down to is a problem of communication - and this is where marriage counseling can be helpful. *You really could use an intermediary to translate this problem into ways that your husband can understand.* If MC seems too expensive, or he balks at the idea, just tell him it's a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel the way that you feel; you’re entitled to feel any way that you choose.

In my opinion, the mother of the child is the mother, and that’s not going to change. You are not that particular child’s mother, so there’s not really a way to be more involved than her. I do think that your husband needs to limit the contact with his ex to being only about the child that they share, and he needs to curtail any other communication with her.

You mention that he “pays for everyone”. What do you mean by that? He certainly has an obligation to his child, but not to “everyone” (i.e., his ex and her other child)..

As for your own baby situation, I would probably hold off on that until things are more stable with your husband and his child and the schedule there. How many hours drive does he have to visit his child? I’m just wondering because you mention that he wants to move to be closer to him/her. 

Honestly, I think you just need to sit your husband down and have a calm heart-to-heart with him. Tell him how you’re feeling, but keep it fair.

Okay, I just read you second post about your H not seeing an issue with his ex being there for every family vacation and family get together. No, just no. That’s not cool at all.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This isn't going to get any better unless you do something about these issues. I recommend you stop thinking that you are willing to put up with anything in order to stay married. Your husband has deserted your marriage for his son, another woman, and her son. Your husband is behaving dishonorably towards you. He sounds like a weak man. You may have misinterpreted his character.

A good man would not stay away from his son. He would fight for his son. But he didn't. Instead he paid child support and without having any interaction with his son. A boy who needs a dad. Now he is stepping into a father role for another boy who isn't his child, because that child's father isn't involved. I wonder why he's not involved. I wouldn't take the mother's word for it. There's no telling what she said about your husband when she didn't allow him to be involved and he simply went along with it like a sheep.

This whole situation wreaks of the woman being a skilled manipulator who is working towards manipulating you right out of your husband. You say you won't consider divorce, but if something doesn't change you may find yourself divorced without your agreement. Your marriage is in great danger right now.

I don't think you should make demands or become angry with your husband, but if you hope to save your marriage you will need to make a plan and start to set some boundaries. Perhaps others here will have some ideas on books about the subject of gaining custody and co-parenting. I think you should look for some books and start reading them with your husband. I would also recommend you find a marriage counselor immediately and insist that your husband attend with you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

In some states, you don't need an attorney to establish custody arrangements. I have a friend whose husband has joint custody. It all goes through a state agency and is much cheaper than hiring an attorney. This has worked well for him.

Your husband is now establishing a relationship with his son. I recommend that you keep a journal with every minute and every penny he spends on his son. Take lots of pictures as well. This will provide proof of relationship.

Unless your husband has some sort of criminal background (edited for clarity), there is no reason why his visits have to include the mother. But be very careful. As she already appears to be highly manipulative, she may do something to make your husband look like an abuser.

Do some reading. Continue to ask for help on here. There are many people who know the ins and outs of these situations.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

I see no issue with the kid spending as much time with you and the husband as they want or can.

What I don't agree with is his ex fling texting him 20 times a day or being at every meal or vacation. This could easily cross into cheating or an affair, if it hasn't already. I suspect it's at least an emotional affair at this time. 

His emotional connection should be between him and his kids, you and him, but not him and her. The friends thing could work, but it definitely shouldn't be best friends taking vacations together and texting all day.

If he doesn't understand how you'd feel jealous, there's not much you can do except be prepared to leave.





And the separate issue: If he was on board with having a baby, and suddenly changed his mind but you want one, that's kind of a deal breaker in and of itself depending how much you want one.

Of course, if it was just a "maybe one-day" thing that you are suddenly springing on him due to jealousy, I'd tend to agree with your husband.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Theseus said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > Your in-laws really screwed the two of you over.
> ...


 Seriously?? Sorry sweetie, even the law disagrees with you. What they did was an Overstep of huge magnitude. Yes… it was.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Theseus said:
> 
> 
> > The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.
> ...


What law? What are you talking about? There's nothing illegal or immoral about grandparents contacting the mother of their grandchild.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.


Had the inlaws previously made known their desire to have that relationship? And should they be blindsiding the recently-married couple? Regard for how the wife might feel being somehow irrelevant?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Saddest situation I've seen on TAM*

Cannot say how much I feel for the OP here. This is the saddest situation I've read here. She did nothing to bring this upon herself, and best-intentions do nothing whatsoever to mitigate potential issues down the road. Such as the rekindling of whatever brought the husband to the kid's mother in the first place. And the kid that came out of that union? It seems totally reasonable to think that his biological dad, if he has an interest in the kid, is a better person for doing so. But doing so can't help but come at the expense of his wife.

So the more "honorable" the husband & kid's father is, the scarier the future possibilities for his wife. And of course some might question if the husband's "honor" towards taking care of the kid could partially be driven by a connection with the kid's mom.

I can't see a happy ending, aside from a selfless act by the kid's mom, moving to... another country? Which isn't necessarily a happy ending for the kid. 

A best-case scenario could be pretty bad. The husband/father recognizes that his obligation to the kid will destroy his marriage, one way or another, and sets his wife free. Tells her that she deserves a cleaner slate than he can provide. An amicable divorce that leaves him with a future and the OP in tears, because she's a good person and wants to do the right thing but she is running out of time to start over and... 

It's... just... awful.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Cannot say how much I feel for the OP here. This is the saddest situation I've read here. She did nothing to bring this upon herself, and best-intentions do nothing whatsoever to mitigate potential issues down the road. Such as the rekindling of whatever brought the husband to the kid's mother in the first place. And the kid that came out of that union? It seems totally reasonable to think that his biological dad, if he has an interest in the kid, is a better person for doing so. But doing so can't help but come at the expense of his wife.
> 
> So the more "honorable" the husband & kid's father is, the scarier the future possibilities for his wife. And of course some might question if the husband's "honor" towards taking care of the kid could partially be driven by a connection with the kid's mom.
> 
> ...


Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.

It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.
> 
> It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.


Tons of people have this experience? Discovering a kid you didn't know about, after the marriage? That hardly seems like a common experience to me. If the kid was known about ahead of time, the OP would have had a chance to observe her then-boyfriend's actions and get a feeling for the future. She didn't have that opportunity. Nor did the husband/father get his own feelings tested until too late.

Had he never known about the kid, do we assume that whatever it is presumed here might cause him to rekindle the past relationship would be representative of a fatal character flaw? I think there are many very good people who, when put to a severe test, might fail. Nearly all of us will never face such a test. Does it make us bad people that we might fail if we were? Or should we be thankful that we haven't been put to such a test?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.
> ...


Yes, tons of people experience co-parenting children together platonically, while being married to or in relationships with someone else. 

OPs husband could do these things while having a reasonable boundary regarding the child's mother. He doesn't.

OPs husband could parent his existing child AND be excited about building a family with HIS WIFE. He isn't.

Sharing a child with a person you aren't in a relationship with isn't some great test. A million people do it. There are a ton of divorced or never married parents of children in the world. Who don't behave this way towards the other parent of the shared child, or their current spouse.

Whether he or they found out about the child before or after the marriage has no bearing on the fact that this husband has poor boundaries regarding the mother of this child, and has left his wife by the wayside.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Tons of people coparent and spend time with their kids, and that obligation doesn't have this kind of effect on a new spouse.
> 
> It's not the situation, it's how this guy is handling it.


Actually, I'm afraid it is the situation because that is what has motivated him to handle it the way he has. Plus, if you read the books and spend time on stepparent sites, you'll see how often it is that the husbands/fathers don't handle the stepfamily situations very well, pretty much like this guy (without the ex tagging along in most cases), which is the reason there has long existed the term "Guilty Daddy Syndrome" that I mentioned. It is a perplexing and long-standing phenomenon that has been studied, termed, and defined. That term, along with "Disney Daddy Syndrome" is now in many sociology and psychology textbooks because stepfamilies are the number 1 familial situation in the country and are also the fastest-growing familial situation. The nuclear family model is rapidly disappearing, and what has emerged is this different family model that, from the start, is riddled with undesirable and unwelcomed influences and dynamics, the main one of which is the husband/father's inability to balance married life and his children from other relationships. The problem is that it's all so new and different and nothing like the natural dynamics of marriage and family people otherwise expect to navigate. So, men, who often feel marginalized in their children's lives anyway (as this guy understandably feels more than likely), additionally feel conflicted and caught between their role as father and their role as husband to a woman who is not their children's mother.

That hardly applies to all stepfamilies but does apply to a great majority of them. You have more than likely heard the term "wicked stepmother" or "stepmonster" way more often and for a good deal of your life than the number of times you've heard kind terms referring to stepmothers. So, the stepfamily often begins at a disadvantage and a lower expectation for success.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Yes, tons of people experience co-parenting children together platonically, while being married to or in relationships with someone else.
> 
> OPs husband could do these things while having a reasonable boundary regarding the child's mother. He doesn't.
> 
> ...


I liked this post because you're absolutely right but I really need, per my last response, to reiterate how common it is that the husband/father exercises poor boundaries, almost never to the extent that this guy has but still to very disrespectful levels regarding their current spouse. I'm only reiterating because I don't want the OP to feel worse than she already does. Stepmothers very often feel alone and helpless, and she could easily regard your true statements as making her situation appear so much worse than any other, when the truth is most stepmoms feel exactly the way she does. Not all of their circumstances are as over the top as hers (the husband including the birth mom [BM] in his visitation time), but so many are truly severe and quite similar as hers in every other way, which, like her, also cause them grief and fear of losing their marriage.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

@JMH1983333

This is not good, I think your marriage is in very serious trouble.

It sounds like your husband is falling in love with this woman and replacing you in his mind with her and the perfect little family they would have together where he could ride in a knight in shining armor and rescue all three of them, or so weak and conflict avoidant he won't stand up for his real family -- YOU, the one he chose and took vows with. OR

He sounds like a very nice, generous man, but this situation is out of control and I think you need to have a come to Jesus moment with him ASAP or you are going to lose him. Let's see, what do we have here:

1. The fact that he went to see the kid when he knew you were not available indicates he'd rather you not be along. He is not wanting you there for his very important experiences. That's because he's letting this other woman fill his need for family and being a parent and she's starting to crowd you out in his mind, no matter how much he loves you.

2. He is WAY too friendly with the mom. There is NO reason for 20 texts a day between them. And there is NO reason the bio mom can't be told:

"My wife and I have an agreement that we don't hang out with opposite sex people. We're making somewhat of an exception in your case because of my son, but in the future, please go through my wife for all future arrangements." End of subject.

3. He and the mom should NOT be texting back and forth even if you can read his phone. The THREE of you can have a group text.

4. MOST CONCERNING is the fact that he is telling his you that 1) Being a dad is his calling, but 2) Now is not a good time to start a family with YOU because of all the time, energy, money, etc. that he's investing in this "surprise" family.

5. Also just the fact that he's spending so much money on 3 people, 2 of whom are not even related to him. That money should be going toward the future for the two of you. And if this bio-mom has such a nice house, why is he spending all this money.

Bottom line, I've read a lot about relationships in the last few years, and it is VERY dangerous to let someone outside your marriage meet your needs. People tend to fall in love with those who they are around when they are having the most fun and the most meaningful times. Your husband may have the most innocent of intentions, but he WILL develop feelings for this woman because she's meeting his emotional needs for being a parent and being needed, etc. And it sounds like she's (unnecessarily?) around when he's with his son, which will strengthen the feelings. 

The fact that he is resistant to slowing down the money, would see her w/out you, suddenly doesn't want kids with you "right now," etc. indicates he may already be falling in love with her.

I think you're going to have to put the hammer down and say "if you want me to remain your wife, these are the new rules..." YOU are the WIFE and you're being turned into the third wheel. I think you need to really start fighting for your marriage or it's going to slip away.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Theseus said:


> The inlaws didn't cause this situation. Their only "crime" was wanting to have a relationship with their grandson. Neither the OP or her husband have any right to prevent that.


True, but their timing in proximity to the wedding is very odd. If they thought this would have no impact, they're pretty clueless.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> @JMH1983333
> 
> This is not good, I think your marriage is in very serious trouble.
> 
> ...


The parts I put in bold stand out to me. The first one, I mean seriously, the guy must be tone deaf to have said that being a Dad is his calling but there's no need to start a family with his wife since he already has one. Said not exactly that way, but that's how it comes across.

And the second part? I'd change things to "If you want to remain my husband" because... funny, I can't put a finger on it now.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> The parts I put in bold stand out to me. The first one, I mean seriously, the guy must be tone deaf to have said that being a Dad is his calling but there's no need to start a family with his wife since he already has one. Said not exactly that way, but that's how it comes across.


Yes, totally contradictory. But it's not what he meant. It's just what he was able to compose at the time because he couldn't say what he really wanted to say, which is that he doesn't want to have to divide his attention and devotion since he's very much enjoying his son and dating his son's mother. Through the week he has a wife and those advantages/responsibilities. On the weekends, he's a free man to do as he pleases and shuts his wife out so he can get away with it. He has the greatest thing going.



Casual Observer said:


> And the second part? I'd change things to "If you want to remain my husband" because... funny, I can't put a finger on it now.


It's not something the stepmother wife does, unfortunately. Just one of those perplexing enigmas as to why though. I guess they lose themselves and become more desperate than decisive. It's clear that's what has happened to the OP here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry but your marriage is doomed. It just is. He's getting everything he wants from his 'second family' and you won't be able to compete. You may as well just end this torture. I see NO way you can stay married here. And I've seen it all over the past 20 years.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Casual Observer said:


> The parts I put in bold stand out to me. The first one, I mean seriously, the guy must be tone deaf to have said that being a Dad is his calling but there's no need to start a family with his wife since he already has one. Said not exactly that way, but that's how it comes across.
> 
> *And the second part? I'd change things to "If you want to remain my husband"* because... funny, I can't put a finger on it now.


Excellent point.

OP needs standards and her husband needs to understand their relationship comes first. They are supposed to be building a family together and she's been more than generous, more than reasonable.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Theseus said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Theseus said:
> ...


I assume she means grandparents having no legal rights (visitation, etc.) to their grandchildren. All rights belong with the mother and father. Grandparents have no right to a relationship with their grandchildren, and the parents have every right to stop it.

Starting a relationship with the groom’s baby mama (and son) one month before the wedding without notice or permission by the wedding couple is outrageous. Especially when he really wants to be a dad, the baby mama looks like the wife but has more money, etc. Unbelievable.


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## JMH1983333 (Jul 11, 2019)

I haven’t been on here in a few days as it’s been hard. A lot of discussions and crying from the both of us. I know reading everything, it’s easy for people to judge my husband’s character and say he’s not a good man. I’ve thought the same reading other people’s issues. He has surpassed at being a wonderful man during the many years we’ve been together, even though we were late getting married. With that being said, this is the first time I’ve ever felt my relationship is at risk. I know he has good intentions. He isn’t trying to exclude me. He always asks how he can make the situation better for me. First off, he isn’t trying as hard as I would like for him to include me. Secondly, every issues I’ve brought up, mostly regarding the mom, we can’t seem to agree on a solution. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I think he’s just blind and unable to understand how it’s affecting me. All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me. The reason I said I didn’t want to consider divorce is because I believe in trying to work things out before resorting to that. I was looking for advice other than divorce. I’d like to exercise all options before making that decision. Plus I’m in no position to leave at this moment. We both gained weight while together, so I’m not as thin as I was and I’m getting old. Also, for reasons I won’t disclose to help with being anonymous, I used to make really good money, but now the tables have turned and my husband makes 75% of our income. I can’t afford to leave right now. I know divorce is hard and costly, so I would need to prepare myself in case it comes to that (hopefully not). And again, even if no ones wants to hear this, my husband and I love each other very much. We’ve wanted kids a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were married. We haven’t been “trying” but also haven’t not been trying. We were leaving it up to the big man above to decide hen it would happen. However, I wanted to try harder because I hoped that having a child with me would strengthen our bond. The mother would no longer have something I don’t which is obviously extremely important to my husband. Plus I had a few other reasons I wanted to wait, but those reasons don’t exist anymore. In light of the kid situation, he’s overwhelmed with the love he has for his kid and believes it is his religious duty to take care of his child AND the others if they are in need. She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default. He constantly says WWJD. Yeah, we’re religious, so I understand his perspective and feel I’ve been more than supportive and accommodating to the situation, but it’s going too far. We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.” He wants to know how his relationship from her is any different than his cousin or sister-in-law. I said the difference is he wouldn’t consider having an intimate relationship with them if I weren’t in the way. I asked if he could deny that and his answer was “if we really want to go there, you’re right. I can’t deny that. If I were alone, I’d probably try to make it work with her.” He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work. So I guess I’m at the point of dealing with it, getting a counselor, or just leaving. In-laws never shared that they wanted to reach out. There wasn’t a discussion. When my in-laws reached out to the mother, they said to my husband that they understood if he could never forgive them. Sure, he did eventually. It’s his blood. I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

As someone who has some experience with baby mama drama, your husband is a complete ass. You need to lay down the law right now. My oldest daughter is not by my wife. There were simple ground rules we both agreed on. Funny thing was, when I became "stable" my ex wanted to insert herself back in my life.


I get he has a kid. My ex has a total of four, that doesn't mean I have four with her. We have one child together. Your husband needs to get that through his thick skull. No, you are not wrong in how you feel. I'd be worried about your mental health if you weren't angry. Still, divorce needs to be an option. He will keep being an ass as long as he knows he can get away with having two families.

No, I am judging him from my experience. Your family comes first. If that includes his son, it is you three.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JMH1983333 said:


> I haven’t been on here in a few days as it’s been hard. A lot of discussions and crying from the both of us. I know reading everything, it’s easy for people to judge my husband’s character and say he’s not a good man. I’ve thought the same reading other people’s issues. He has surpassed at being a wonderful man during the many years we’ve been together, even though we were late getting married.


Memories of yesterday...... Notice, you want us to judge him on past actions. Nope, I am judging him on your anger and sadness in the present time.


> With that being said, this is the first time I’ve ever felt my relationship is at risk. I know he has good intentions. He isn’t trying to exclude me. He always asks how he can make the situation better for me. First off, he isn’t trying as hard as I would like for him to include me. Secondly, every issues I’ve brought up, mostly regarding the mom, we can’t seem to agree on a solution. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I think he’s just blind and unable to understand how it’s affecting me. All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me.


Yep and this is how marriages die. People put too many things ahead of their spouse and then are shocked when divorce, lack of sex or an affair occurs. I am not saying any of these occurrences are right, except ignoring the reasoble wants of your spouse or partner is wrong.




> The reason I said I didn’t want to consider divorce is because I believe in trying to work things out before resorting to that. I was looking for advice other than divorce. I’d like to exercise all options before making that decision. Plus I’m in no position to leave at this moment. We both gained weight while together, so I’m not as thin as I was and I’m getting old. Also, for reasons I won’t disclose to help with being anonymous, I used to make really good money, but now the tables have turned and my husband makes 75% of our income. I can’t afford to leave right now. I know divorce is hard and costly, so I would need to prepare myself in case it comes to that (hopefully not).


Very few people can afford to divore, it is a myth. People are suggesting it because your husband keeps convincing you he is doing everything. Oh and unless you signed a prenup, you are entitled to a portion of his salary. As to "getting old......" you have people in their 40s, 50s and 60s talking to you. 

Let me add, who cares if you put on weight? It happens, it is not a reason for a spouse to like someone else. Nor should you believe this is why she has an edge. 


> And again, even if no ones wants to hear this, my husband and I love each other very much. We’ve wanted kids a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were married. We haven’t been “trying” but also haven’t not been trying. We were leaving it up to the big man above to decide hen it would happen. However, I wanted to try harder because I hoped that having a child with me would strengthen our bond. The mother would no longer have something I don’t which is obviously extremely important to my husband. Plus I had a few other reasons I wanted to wait, but those reasons don’t exist anymore. In light of the kid situation, he’s overwhelmed with the love he has for his kid and believes it is his religious duty to take care of his child AND the others if they are in need. She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default. He constantly says WWJD. Yeah, we’re religious, so I understand his perspective and feel I’ve been more than supportive and accommodating to the situation, but it’s going too far. We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.” He wants to know how his relationship from her is any different than his cousin or sister-in-law. I said the difference is he wouldn’t consider having an intimate relationship with them if I weren’t in the way. I asked if he could deny that and his answer was “if we really want to go there, you’re right. I can’t deny that. If I were alone, I’d probably try to make it work with her.” He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work. So I guess I’m at the point of dealing with it, getting a counselor, or just leaving. In-laws never shared that they wanted to reach out. There wasn’t a discussion. When my in-laws reached out to the mother, they said to my husband that they understood if he could never forgive them. Sure, he did eventually. It’s his blood. I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.


I will leave this part alone for our more religious members. Still, make sure you understand, the Bible also talks about neglecting your duties as a spouse and a man. He is doing both so, religion isn't going to be an easy excuse.


He just told you he could have sex with her, passive aggresively threw divorce on your face and you are still defending him. No, sorry, your husband is being a terrible spouse.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

All right, then. You’re a good person, he’s a good person, and you’re at an impasse. You need an expert, neutral third-party to hear both sides and provide advice. That would be counseling. That’s that’s the only way that he will see the light.

Yes, 30’s isn’t old... unless you have in any way been paying attention at all to the context. We are talking about fertility. We are talking about the odds of a woman, now overweight in her thirties, then divorced and being able to secure a comparable man in time to reproduce. 

You need to be ruthless. He can see his son but not the other woman. They must cease contact. I don’t know what you call scheduling a date and time to spend doing fun activities with a woman but I call that “dating.”


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

JMH1983333 said:


> All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me.


And there lies the problem.



JMH1983333 said:


> In light of the kid situation, he’s overwhelmed with the love he has for his kid and believes it is his religious duty to take care of his child AND the others if they are in need. She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default.


Her reasons don't matter. She shouldn't be doing it period. But she's not the one married to you, so your husband is the one at fault because he's the one married to you and, therefore, the one who is disrespecting you. It's all so very typical in stepfamily situations.

But just to note, I think he's right in being involved with her other child, just not her. He has no boundaries with her, which he should have since he's married to you. He should pick up his kid and take him somewhere away from the mother's home to spend time with him, and he's doing the right thing to bring his brother with him, but he has no business spending time with the kid(s) there in the mother's house, taking her out with them, or doing things for her. He pays support so he's not obligated to her in any other way, and she's supposed to find her own man to do the things she needs done. It would be okay to talk to the child together regarding discipline and rules and stuff like that, but those occasions should be very infrequent in order to establish for both you and their kid that they are not a couple. Children have a tendency to want their parents to be together. Your husband is misleading his son and giving him false hope.



JMH1983333 said:


> We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.”


Typical Guilty Daddy Syndrome. Disrespecting the wife to placate the mom (and kids) out of fear of angering her. I mentioned before that it surely would anger her if he sued for custody, but he's still supposed to sue for custody to release himself from her clutches. He does not need and shouldn't have to garner and maintain her good graces in order to spend time with his son.



JMH1983333 said:


> He wants to know how his relationship from her is any different than his cousin or sister-in-law. I said the difference is he wouldn’t consider having an intimate relationship with them if I weren’t in the way. I asked if he could deny that and his answer was “if we really want to go there, you’re right. I can’t deny that. If I were alone, I’d probably try to make it work with her.”


That was an incredibly ridiculous analogy. His ex girlfriend and child's mother is not a family member and is not to be compared to one or grouped with one. He is negligently NOT setting any boundaries with her.

I have to agree with the other member who said your marriage is over. I'm awfully sorry to say it but it is. It's clear that you know it too. But it's perplexing to me that you keep mentioning that you and he are religious because I don't - and never do - see any role that a person's religion plays when they want to do what they want to do. He had pre-marital sex with her, as did you and he, so where did religion enter into those decisions? People pick and choose the doctrines they can comfortably follow and make excuses for the rest, and then they dismiss them all when overwhelming desire is involved. I bring this up because he is waning so far from his religious beliefs right now (as he's done in the past) where you and his marriage are concerned, and it means nothing to him because of his love for his child and his desire to be in his child's life. Do you see what I'm saying? It will be nothing for him to take if further with her whenever he feels he wants to, particularly since, as I submitted in earlier posts, he is dating her, so there's nothing really to stop him. He already dating her, and you're not in the way because he has already shoved you aside and put you in your place FOR HER SAKE (because, you know, he's in a really good place with her) although he claims it is for the child's sake. What do you think is the next logical step? And then he'll justify it with some lame excuses when he knows it's what he has been working toward the whole time.



JMH1983333 said:


> He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work. So I guess I’m at the point of dealing with it or leaving. I’ll be poor, broken, and alone and he’ll be sharing his life with his backup family.


And now the ultimatum. But my dear, you're not going to make it anyway. He is busy laying the groundwork to ensure your marriage is doomed. He will drag it out for a period of time to save face so he can claim he tried so hard to make it work. But this is already over.

The only thing now is you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to work preparing your financial independence. You don't have a week or a day to lose. Face the facts even though it's hard as hell, pick yourself up, and get busy so you're not caught in a position where you cannot maintain yourself. Consult with an attorney on Monday so you know your rights and what you can reasonably expect. You probably haven't considered it yet that he will likely have to pay you spousal support/alimony, so that will add to your expected monthly income. A divorce attorney can inform you about everything. I know you're not ready mentally or emotionally. Your world is crashing and you're really just spinning right now and everything is a blur, so I'm not suggesting you should start divorce proceedings. I know you're not mentally there yet. I'm suggesting you have to accept that you are surely going to be divorced, so talk with someone for the sake of preparation and knowing what you have to do going forward. I'm suggesting you retain your dignity before the two of them destroy it completely.



JMH1983333 said:


> I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.


That is displaced aggression. When they chose to contact the mother might have been bad timing in your opinion, but they didn't create this kid. You would have to deal with this exact same situation at some point anyway. And, honestly, it should not have taken his parents to do it. It doesn't show your husband in a very good light if he was refusing to have anything to do with his own child. He should have been the one to promptly contact the mother as soon as he found out. It also doesn't show you in a very good light if you didn't want him to have anything to do with his child and didn't encourage a relationship. So where did all the religion go then and the WWJD questions? See what I mean? People do whatever the heck they want to do. It's just way too seldom that religion governs or even influences anybody's life. So, whenever and however it finally occurred that he began to develop a relationship with his son, it was a good thing....that unfortunately turned out badly for your marriage. I'm really sorry for you for all of this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are his wife and his family. WWJD? He would tell your husband to be in unity with his wife and to love her like Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That's what Jesus did and what he would do. 

A family is meant to be a loving and supportive environment for all involved. No one come first. Husband and wife work together to build each other and any children. This is not what our husband is doing. If he really wants to know what the right thing is to do, take him to the pastor for some education.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama.

At that point, if he continues to date her, he should be seriously and correctly concerned that you will vindictively prevent him and his family from EVER seeing your child(ren) again. Show him that you are totally ready and willing to go nuclear.

God allowed his only begotten son to die in order to help his bride.

And your anger at his family is not displaced. It is fully justified.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

How old are you and how long have you two been trying/not trying? (baby)


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## jennymurdock (Jul 13, 2019)

Wow, you have a lot on your plate, and an incredibly tricky situation, wow. But, if your husband feels being a father is "his calling" then WHY isn't he wanting to have a child with YOU, his WIFE? You may want to bring that point up to him. 

I would be looking at this relationship he's still having with his ex fling, seems like he may be secretly harboring feelings for her (and vice versa), and feeding you excuses as to why he doesn't want to have a baby now with you. 

Also, not sure which country or state you are in, but how can he be compelled to pay child support if he's got no legal bond to the child? Just wondering.

You have had to tolerate a lot of stuff, especially this woman wanting your husband to be a part of her child's life. It's good that he's letting you view his phone, but is it possible he has contact with her some other way like another phone/computer/ipad account? I'd be a little suspicious at first.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband has clearly told you where you stand. 

If you are contributing financially to the household - STOP! Squirrel away every penny you can so you can extricate yourself from this three-some.

As for what would Jesus do? Who cares, you aren't married to Jesus or even a genuine fake naugahyde version of him. You're married to a guy who tells his wife to her face that if she weren't around he'd be making baby #2 with the woman he split with many years ago. Then tells her to get used to it or get out.

Tell him where he can stuff those fake crocodile tears.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

JMH1983333 said:


> “if we really want to go there, you’re right. I can’t deny that. If I were alone, I’d probably try to make it work with her.” He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work.


Sadly, this is all you need to know. All the other stuff really is just background noise.

Your options are to accept it forever or divorce. Not see a counselor as you suggested. Respectfully, why would you need to see a counselor? You know to your core this is not right. 

And I still maintain that it's not a good idea to have a child without fully resolving this situation to your satisfaction. What if your husband doesn't come around like you think he will? What then? Are you ready to shoulder the burden of raising a child alone in a troubled marriage, or worse, you divorce anyway, then you're a single mom?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> Sadly, this is all you need to know. All the other stuff really is just background noise.
> 
> Your options are to accept it forever or divorce. Not see a counselor as you suggested. Respectfully, why would you need to see a counselor? You know to your core this is not right.
> 
> And I still maintain that it's not a good idea to have a child without fully resolving this situation to your satisfaction. What if your husband doesn't come around like you think he will? What then? *Are you ready to shoulder the burden of raising a child alone in a troubled marriage, or worse, you divorce anyway, then you're a single mom*?


THIS. This is my flashpoint. You are willing to bring another human life into the world to use as a potential anchor for another person who already has one foot out the door? Please stop thinking about yourself or him or the other woman. Children are not bargaining chips. WWJD? Not what you are contemplating I’ll bet.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama.


Terrible idea. She'd only end up raising a kid or two by herself and with very limited funds. Child support only goes so far, and she wouldn't get as much in child support as the first child receives. Incredibly bad advice.



CraigBesuden said:


> At that point, if he continues to date her, he should be seriously and correctly concerned that you will vindictively prevent him and his family from EVER seeing your child(ren) again. Show him that you are totally ready and willing to go nuclear.


She can threaten to be vindictive all she wants but it won't mean anything. She cannot prevent him or his family from seeing his child. They are married. He automatically has rights when they separate or divorce. During his regularly-scheduled court-appointed visitation times, he can take his child(ren) to see his family whenever and as often as he wants.

It's even misguided to advise that she even stay with him long enough to get pregnant, carry the child, and then do it all over again. Not to mention, there's no telling how long it would take to get pregnant since it hasn't happened yet and they haven't been doing anything to prevent it. So however many years down the road you're suggesting she stay with this man while he and BM continue to wipe the floor with her, it is ill-advised.

And I don't know why you are promoting and recommending illegal activity to this member.



CraigBesuden said:


> And your anger at his family is not displaced. It is fully justified.


No it is not justified. She and her husband had no business being too selfish and inconsiderate to do what his family did. His madness would have occurred sooner or later and it really should have been sooner. If you're saying this because your father had no interest in knowing you then woe is you, but no child deserves that.

But OP, instead of making excuses, I really do think you should get mad and take some control of your life rather than laying down and taking him treating you as though you are nothing. As I suggested, get busy working toward your financial independence so when he comes home one day, you will be gone.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama.
> 
> At that point, if he continues to date her, he should be seriously and correctly concerned that you will vindictively prevent him and his family from EVER seeing your child(ren) again. Show him that you are totally ready and willing to go nuclear.
> 
> ...


This is bad bad advice. 
At the moment the op is feeling lonely and neglected in her marriage. If she followed this advice she will be lonely, neglected AND pregnant. 
How can this help?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

jennymurdock said:


> Also, not sure which country or state you are in, but how can he be compelled to pay child support if he's got no legal bond to the child? Just wondering.


If the OP comes back, maybe she will explain the circumstances because she didn't offer those details in her post. So, just for the sake of general understanding since some people think child support and legal rights to the child go hand in hand, they don't, at least not in cases like this one. In the case of dissolution of a marriage (child born in wedlock), then the father has legal rights to the child. Child support (if he's the one who has to pay it) and the type of custody (physical, legal, sole, or joint custody) and amount of parenting time/visitation (50/50, every other weekend, holidays & summers only, however it works out) will be decreed.

In the case of a child born out of wedlock, the child automatically has the right to be supported by both parents. However, the father is not automatically awarded rights to the child. So, a mother can petition the court for child support and will receive it but unless the father expresses a desire to exercise his right to be in the child's life, he isn't automatically awarded parenting time/visitation. He has to express a desire during the time of petition (this requirement may vary in some states) or at some other point in time sue for his rights (file his own petition) (and men would be wise to get a paternity test first), and then he will receive parenting time. It doesn't preclude child support because the child is entitled to that regardless, as you can see in this case.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama.
> ...


This isn't about feelings like loneliness and neglect. This is about power and tactics.

If W is right and H is a good man, having a baby will be viewed by H as a blessing. He will quickly adjust. (Good outcome.)

if the cynics are right and H isn't a saint, the simplest solution for H is to divorce W, reconcile with OW and become a family. Happily, the other child's father is out of the picture, allowing H to easily step in as father to both kids - no baby daddy drama. As he values his relationship with his son over W, he can (and did) tell W to accept the situation or I'll divorce you. He will tell W not to get pregnant "right now," then divorce W so that he can have all of his children by one woman. (Bad outcome for W. )

If the cynics are right but W has a baby, the analysis changes. There is no longer any easy solution for H. If his goal is to be in the life of his children, he will have two mothers to please and cannot issue any ultimatums. The dream of having all children by one woman is no longer possible for H. The simplest solution for H is to stay with W and have visitation with his kid by OW. (Good outcome.)

Yes, a possible scenario if W had a baby is single motherhood with child support. Another scenario is W has no baby, then H divorces W and she never remarries (at least in time to have kids) and ends up childless. W can decide which of these two scenarios - single motherhood or childless and alone - is worse. Personally, I'd rather be a single mother.

Having a baby will not fix a bad relationship between a H and W. But this isn't about a bad marriage. It's a good marriage being destroyed by an outsider.

H's family played hardball. OW is playing hardball. H is playing hardball. I fail to see how W playing nice girl will be helpful to her interests.

BTW, I would prioritize children over a spouse. if I were H and single, I would try to reconcile with OW and have one family. I'd want to avoid two young, competing families at all costs. I would have been pissed at my family for reaching out to OW and son before my wedding, just like H. I wouldn't want two simultaneous families if I could avoid it. But once I had a kid with both women, there would be no point in leaving W. I'm telling you how I would react to these scenarios, and from what I've read, it appears that H and I see it the same way.


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> If the cynics are right and W has a baby, the analysis changes. There is no longer any easy solution for H. If his goal is to be in the life of his children, he will have two mothers to please and cannot issue any ultimatums. All children by one woman is no longer possible. *The simplest solution for H is to stay with W and have visitation with his kid by OW*. (Good outcome.)
> 
> Yes, a possible scenario if W had a baby is single motherhood with child support. Another scenario is he divorces W and she never remarries (at least in time to have kids) and ends up childless. W can decide which of these two scenarios is worse.


That's the simplest solution now but he's not doing it, what makes you think he will do that if the OP gets has a baby?
Relying and using a baby to save the relationship is a bad move IMO.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama.
> 
> At that point, if he continues to date her, he should be seriously and correctly concerned that you will vindictively prevent him and his family from EVER seeing your child(ren) again. Show him that you are totally ready and willing to go nuclear.
> 
> ...


Equal footing? Ummm no. 

She goes behind his back and manipulates an already tenous situation by bringing an innocent baby into this mess?No.

That would make her dishonest and lower than the baby momma.


No. You Never bring kids into a broken family, nor do you use them as leverage to save a marriage.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is not a good situtation. the irony here is that while your husband is treating the ex as if she were his current wife, he's expecting you to act like a wife. So the ex can date other men but there will be hell to pay if you do. He may start ensuring that you pay for stuff around the house while he saves as much money as possible to spend on the ex and his child and the rest of that family. 

Imagine how you are going to feel when the ex starts bringing to these outings and your husband starts paying for this guy as well.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> This isn't about feelings like loneliness and neglect. This is about power and tactics.
> 
> If W is right and H is a good man, having a baby will be viewed by H as a blessing. He will quickly adjust. (Good outcome.)
> 
> ...


.......Or she divorces, gets alimony, starts over with a man who cares for her, has a child and creates a brand new family with ZERO strings attached.

There are hundreds of choices not just your two.

Blended families have an entirely different set of problems and logistics.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> .......Or she divorces, gets alimony, starts over with a man who cares for her, has a child and creates a brand new family with ZERO strings attached.
> 
> There are hundreds of choices not just your two.
> 
> Blended families have an entirely different set of problems and logistics.


He is promoting the misguided notion that she will never again have a chance at family and happiness. I hated reading that because it seems to be one of her fears, one that he is enjoying preying on.

The only thing I've been wondering is what it is she is hesitant to tell us about. She used to make good money but now she doesn't. So what happened? Why did it end and why can't she make good money again?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Another option:

You and the OW look alike, are both overweight, but she has a lot more money. You delayed children because you valued your free time with H, but now he’s spending your free time going out and “not dating” the OW.

Instead of twiddling your thumbs, I’d suggest that you focus like a laser on getting in shape. Change your diet and hit the gym. Get a playlist with songs about revenge and karma, like Demi Lovato’s “Sorry Not Sorry” and Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Back Around.” While he’s out with her, you ride the treadmill or elliptical. Use this situation as rocket fuel to improve yourself. Get into the best shape of your life and give yourself an edge over her. (And if things don’t work out, it will help you in the dating market.)

After you’ve lost about 15 pounds (or he makes a comment about how you’re looking great), tell H that you’ve been thinking. He’s spending all this time with another woman, texting her 20 times a day, and while the fact that she’s had two kids by two different men doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a cheap sl... slattern, you are concerned for your health. Although you understand he claims he’s not cheating, his actions and words have damaged your trust. From now on, as long as he continues going on “not dates” with the OW, you will not have sex with him (including oral) unless he is wearing a latex condom every time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book Surviving An Affair. It will explain that he is having an emotional affair and what to do about it. Many here can provide you more on that. If he's admitting what he's admitting, he should be open to you explaining to him what an emotional affair is. Most people have never heard of it and think they can 'just be friends'; but they can't.

He is getting what's called PEA chemicals in his body right now from her (look it up). Basically, any time a person spends time with a person of the opposite sex, chances are high that 'high' you get from the PEA chemicals will convince you that you're 'in love' with that person. That's where he is headed by spending time with her.

IF you want to save the marriage, he has to learn this stuff, and then admit that he has to stop spending any time with her. Period. If he had married her and then divorced her, he wouldn't be spending time with her, right? So why is this different? He needs to accept that he has to stop; keep picking up the child, but the mother is off limits. If he won't do that, you will end up divorced. I guarantee it. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm using my 20 years' experience seeing hundreds of cases like yours and how they turn out. 

PS, please break your posts into paragraphs; it's really hard to read in one long block.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

turnera said:


> Get the book Surviving An Affair. It will explain that he is having an emotional affair and what to do about it. Many here can provide you more on that. If he's admitting what he's admitting, he should be open to you explaining to him what an emotional affair is. Most people have never heard of it and think they can 'just be friends'; but they can't.
> 
> He is getting what's called PEA chemicals in his body right now from her (look it up). Basically, any time a person spends time with a person of the opposite sex, chances are high that 'high' you get from the PEA chemicals will convince you that you're 'in love' with that person. That's where he is headed by spending time with her.
> 
> IF you want to save the marriage, he has to learn this stuff, and then admit that he has to stop spending any time with her. Period. If he had married her and then divorced her, he wouldn't be spending time with her, right? So why is this different? He needs to accept that he has to stop; keep picking up the child, but the mother is off limits. If he won't do that, you will end up divorced. I guarantee it. I'm not trying to be mean; I'm using my 20 years' experience seeing hundreds of cases like yours and how they turn out.


Agreed. Somebody other than you has to explain to him why what he’s doing is unacceptable. If he won’t go to counseling and won’t read up, then this will end badly.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Your husband doesn't really love you.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your husband doesn't really love you.



According to some people above, it’s common behavior from new stepdads. It’s possible he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing and where this is going to end up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CraigBesuden said:


> According to some people above, it’s common behavior from new stepdads. It’s possible he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing and where this is going to end up.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


The OP's husband is not a step dad to his son. 

What syndrome is it called when he's thinking he could have a second chance with his baby mama?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Sadly, this is all you need to know. All the other stuff really is just background noise.
> 
> Your options are to accept it forever or divorce. Not see a counselor as you suggested. Respectfully, why would you need to see a counselor? You know to your core this is not right.
> 
> And I still maintain that it's not a good idea to have a child without fully resolving this situation to your satisfaction. What if your husband doesn't come around like you think he will? What then? Are you ready to shoulder the burden of raising a child alone in a troubled marriage, or worse, you divorce anyway, then you're a single mom?


Agree with @lucy999. He has already told you who he is and what he would do and remember the famous quote "when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." do not waste any more time beating yourself up, looking for the rosy ending, he has firmly told you what you mean to him and quite frankly you are on the outside looking in.
No, he is not a good husband, a good husband leaves his mother and father and is CLEAVED to his wife not his baby's mama! Why can't you see that?

Do not have any more sex with him, no babies with him. And please stop talking about how religious you both are, that is utter nonsense, if your H had been so God-fearing he would not have stuck it to a woman he was not married to, and been 'unequally yoked' to a woman (baby's mama) who obviously has no problem in having babies with different daddies, nothing God-fearing or religious about any of this. 
So stop using Jesus in this scenario, that is bordering on blasphemy and using religion as a smokescreen when you know exactly what is going on here. We are not going to tell you this is something it aint. (WWJD). You know in your gut he is doing your wrong. It is up to your alone whether you will take his crumbs or will decide to set boundaries and refuse to be treated as second best.
Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are and start to think about earning a good income again and leaving your so-called "good" H in the dust cause he NOT a good husband to you. He is a big-time cake eater.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Please Please Please be careful. Look, if you want to get healthy do it for you not because a celebrity says "revenge body" works. 

I can get you articles and studies which say the exact opposite. People who get healthy and maintain weight loss succeed, by a large margin, when they do it just for themselves. They tend to fail regurlay when they tie it to an ex or out of pettiness and revenge.

If the byproduct has the uninteded effect of making hm jealous cool. Remember, we all age and if he is that shallow he is not worth your love or worry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> I’ve changed my mind. Given the new info, I suggest that you pretend to reluctantly agree to allow the status quo. Then accidentally have a pregnancy or two. It will put you on equal footing with the baby mama..


 WORST.

ADVICE.

EVER!!!

The last reason on *earth* to get pregnant - on purpose - is because you're desperately hoping to FIX a situation. Good Lord.

OP, if you're smart, you'll make sure you DON'T get pregnant because things are so up in the air at the moment. The LAST thing you need to do is to willingly throw away all your options by getting pregnant.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

```

```



CraigBesuden said:


> According to some people above, it’s common behavior from new stepdads. It’s possible he doesn’t really understand what he’s doing and where this is going to end up.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


To clarify, he's not a stepdad. He's the father, who is married to a woman that is not the mother of his child. She is a stepmother.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think @CraigBesuden is just minimizing.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

JMH1983333 said:


> My husband and I don't have any kids together, but several years ago when we were dating (living together), he found out he had a kid with a woman he dated momentarily 5 years prior.
> 
> It was confirmed with a DNA test that the kid was in fact his
> 
> ...


Umm, if you didn't want to wake up one day to find your husband is the father of a young kid with another woman then why on God's green Earth did you marry a man who had a young kid with another woman???? You knew about this child before the wedding. You knew the kid would be in the picture at some point. 



JMH1983333 said:


> I feel like my husband is starting to go through parenthood without me and worst of all with another woman.


Well, yes, because he has a child with another woman. They're co-parents.

You have three problems. 

First, his inappropriately close relationship with his baby momma. He needs to stop being anything more than friendly-ish and only speak to her when it involves their shared child.

Second, he has no legal rights to his son. He's also paying child support outside the court system. This is possibly a very bad decision. First, his access to his son is dependent on her good will and that is not ok. Then because, depending on state law, she could sue him for child support through the court and he could go into immediate arrears. In some states, anything paid outside the court system is considered a gift and does not count toward support owed. If she were to sue him for support later this month, for example, the court may charge him from birth to current. He could end up tens of thousands of dollars in debt overnight.

Your husband needs to begin a court case himself. He needs to have his support and visitation set through the court to cover his own ass and assure him access to his child.

And your last problem is that he may not want any more children. Some men and women have 1 or 2 and decide that's it. They just don't have the energy or desire for more. If he doesn't want another child then you'll have to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

I can get you articles and studies which say the exact opposite. People who get healthy and maintain weight loss succeed, by a large margin, when they do it just for themselves. They tend to fail regurlay when they tie it to an ex or out of pettiness and revenge.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

if you're smart, you'll make sure you DON'T get pregnant because things are so up in the air at the moment. The LAST thing you need to do is to willingly throw away all your options by getting pregnant.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> I know he has good intentions. He isn’t trying to exclude me.... He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I think he’s just blind and unable to understand how it’s affecting me. All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me.


I believe you. But somehow, before it is too late, you need to get him to a counselor who can convince him that his behavior will end your marriage. It’s not just how his behavior is affecting you but how he’s having an emotional affair that will lead to a physical one.

The problem is that the baby mama is trumping you, not his kid. 



> I’m in no position to leave at this moment. We both gained weight while together, so I’m not as thin as I was and I’m getting old.


How old? Men who want kids will often draw the line at 35. They want you fertile but want the chance to date you for a few years and kick the tires first.



> We’ve wanted kids a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were married. We haven’t been “trying” but also haven’t not been trying. We were leaving it up to the big man above to decide hen it would happen. However, I wanted to try harder because I hoped that having a child with me would strengthen our bond.


So you waited until your thirties to start trying. Four months after the wedding the baby mama starts dating your husband. So you were “not trying” for just four months? If you were “not trying” until recently, then why did you need to tell H that you want to try now?



> She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default.


If you instruct your baby daddies to never contact you (just send money), that tends to result in less help from the dads in parenting the kids. She brought that on herself. It’s not your H’s job to fix it.



> We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.” ... He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work.


He won’t risk upsetting the OW but he is callously unconcerned about your feelings, suggesting that divorce is an option? If he’s a good man, why would he say that? 



> When my in-laws reached out to the mother, they said to my husband that they understood if he could never forgive them.... I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.


The fact that your in-laws said that to your husband shows that they knew that they were doing something terribly wrong. And that’s why they gave you two no notice.

If they had contacted her a couple years earlier, the two of you would have broken up and you’d have found someone else. If they had waited a couple more years, you would have had a child of your own with H. Your in-laws launched a perfectly timed torpedo into the hull of your marriage and life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

stefanjames said:


> if you're smart, you'll make sure you DON'T get pregnant because things are so up in the air at the moment. The LAST thing you need to do is to willingly throw away all your options by getting pregnant.


I can't figure out why people keep 'liking' your posts when all you are doing is copying and pasting what other members have posted.

People, if you like the advice, then 'like' the original source.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> He won’t risk upsetting the OW but he is callously unconcerned about your feelings, suggesting that divorce is an option? If he’s a good man, why would he say that?


This is the whole point, hon. He's addicted to her already. He's already willing to send you to slaughter to spare her feelings. You can't fix this, unless he's willing to never see her again, which will cause him to go through withdrawal just like any other addict, until he's seeing clearly again, the affair fog lifted. Only then will he realize what he's done to you and be horrified. But that will NEVER HAPPEN if he keeps seeing her.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

JMH -- This is just heart breaking to read. I think your H is falling in love with the other woman because she is connected to the biggest joy in his life - his son. 

He has basically told you -- Tough. Take it or leave it. 

He is living in a fantasy bubble in his head right now, but it is a very real hell for you.

I guess you need to decide -- what is the bottom line for you? What are you NOT willing to accept? It is possible that if you call his bluff and TRULY stand up for yourself, he will come to his senses and come back to you. But you will have to be *truly *willing to walk away. And willing to accept that if it does not work you ARE getting divorced.

From the outside looking in, and having been a stepmother with a VERY problematic relationship between my then husband and his ex, and knowing what I've learned about relationships over there years, these would be MY deal breakers:

1. He does not DATE his ex while spending time with his son. She is not a part of your family. Divorced parents typically do NOT spend time with their EXES just because they have children together and can "get along." Seriously! This may have started innocently on his part but it is why he is now falling in love with her and shape-shifting you from beloved wife to obstacle in his mind.
2. He is NEVER alone with his ex without you other than to drop off/pick up the son.
3. He NEVER spends money on HER. The other boy? That's up to you. But every dime he spends on them is money YOU are spending on them while YOU are being told he doesn't have the energy to have a family with you.
4. His communications with the ex are all three way texts that involve you and are limited to information about the son, not "what have you been up to lately." If they need to talk on the phone they are only talking about the son.
5. He tries to have a child with you now. Since his ex is fine financially, there is no reason why his "resources" for having a child with you are different now.

While you think about what you are really willing to accept and do, please start dieting and exercising to get in better shape and feel better about yourself period. If you do end up divorcing, you'll have that much more confidence. I just divorced at 53 and honey let me tell you -- there are men out there. They are everywhere. (And plenty of overweight women getting plenty of attention too, so it's more about you feeling good than having to be thin to find someone new.) Divorce would be heart breaking but it would NOT be the end of the world. You need to really think about your age, how bad you want children of your own, and the odds of achieving that. I never had children and that is my biggest regret. I know this is horrible, but I'm not 100% against the idea of you deliberately getting pregnant. Just know that there is a very high chance you will end up a single mom if you do.

For your husband to consider -- if you do end up divorced, he WILL have to pay you alimony, at least for some years. That will affect his resources and probably make him less attractive to the ex. Whatever you do, do not make this EASY for him. He is living in a fantasy world where he wants you all to be one big happy family and for you and your new sister wife to just get along... DO NOT COOPERATE. The more reality you can inject into this fantasy of his, hopefully the better.

For the record, I DO NOT think your H is an a-hole in general. I suspect he was a great husband who was very much in love with you but suddenly he was blindsided with this situation and neither of you knew how or why to set solid boundaries in advance and now he is falling in love with his ex, not because she's better than you, but because she comes with the ready made family he has always craved. And he has LOST HIS FOOL MIND. But the things he is doing ARE ******* moves and NOT ACCEPTABLE. And you will end up divorced or incredibly miserable if he won't set some real boundaries.

*QUESTION - is he willing to get MC or read resources on how to navigate these things, or is he just telling you "Too bad, wife, this is exactly how it's going to be."* I think the only chance you have of getting your *loving *husband back is getting him away from the ex so he's not associating her with loving family all the time.

Also, is there anything you can do about your diminished earning power?

Good luck, this is just heartbreaking. But basically your husband is having an affair right out in the open right now.







JMH1983333 said:


> I haven’t been on here in a few days as it’s been hard. A lot of discussions and crying from the both of us. I know reading everything, it’s easy for people to judge my husband’s character and say he’s not a good man. I’ve thought the same reading other people’s issues. He has surpassed at being a wonderful man during the many years we’ve been together, even though we were late getting married. With that being said, this is the first time I’ve ever felt my relationship is at risk. I know he has good intentions. He isn’t trying to exclude me. He always asks how he can make the situation better for me. First off, he isn’t trying as hard as I would like for him to include me. Secondly, every issues I’ve brought up, mostly regarding the mom, we can’t seem to agree on a solution. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I think he’s just blind and unable to understand how it’s affecting me. All he cares about is the kid and even though he loves me very much, he’s made it clear the kid trumps me. The reason I said I didn’t want to consider divorce is because I believe in trying to work things out before resorting to that. I was looking for advice other than divorce. I’d like to exercise all options before making that decision. Plus I’m in no position to leave at this moment. We both gained weight while together, so I’m not as thin as I was and I’m getting old. Also, for reasons I won’t disclose to help with being anonymous, I used to make really good money, but now the tables have turned and my husband makes 75% of our income. I can’t afford to leave right now. I know divorce is hard and costly, so I would need to prepare myself in case it comes to that (hopefully not). And again, even if no ones wants to hear this, my husband and I love each other very much. We’ve wanted kids a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were married. We haven’t been “trying” but also haven’t not been trying. We were leaving it up to the big man above to decide hen it would happen. However, I wanted to try harder because I hoped that having a child with me would strengthen our bond. The mother would no longer have something I don’t which is obviously extremely important to my husband. Plus I had a few other reasons I wanted to wait, but those reasons don’t exist anymore. In light of the kid situation, he’s overwhelmed with the love he has for his kid and believes it is his religious duty to take care of his child AND the others if they are in need. She’s not in financial need, but begs for his help all the time with parenting the kids. I don’t know if she is intentionally trying to take my husband or if she only cares for her child to be involved with the dad, but either way I’m losing him and she’ll win by default. He constantly says WWJD. Yeah, we’re religious, so I understand his perspective and feel I’ve been more than supportive and accommodating to the situation, but it’s going too far. We haven’t fought for custody because we don’t have the money. I did ask him the other night though that if we did have the money, would he try to gain shared custody. His answer? “No, we’re in a good position with kids mom and doesn’t want to upset her.” He wants to know how his relationship from her is any different than his cousin or sister-in-law. I said the difference is he wouldn’t consider having an intimate relationship with them if I weren’t in the way. I asked if he could deny that and his answer was “if we really want to go there, you’re right. I can’t deny that. If I were alone, I’d probably try to make it work with her.” He cried and to generalize his response, if I can’t accept things the way they are, then we aren’t going to work. So I guess I’m at the point of dealing with it, getting a counselor, or just leaving. In-laws never shared that they wanted to reach out. There wasn’t a discussion. When my in-laws reached out to the mother, they said to my husband that they understood if he could never forgive them. Sure, he did eventually. It’s his blood. I’ll never be able to forgive them though for ruining my life. Makes me question what I ever did to deserve this.


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