# She cheated and I have no idea where to go from here?



## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

So my wife was having an EA with 4 guys for about 4 months. I found out that she had a PA with one of the guys one time only which they had planned to do. I found out about it a month after it happened since she was acting so different and after questioning her for weeks she finally admitted it. The whole admitting process took about 4 weeks being trickle truth the whole time. About a week after the PA happened I made her stop talking to any guy. This was before I found out about the PA. I have been dealing with this for about 4 months now. We have been married for 4 years now and have been living together for 8 years. Our marriage was more like roommates. We had sex at least 2 or 3 times a week and the sex has always been really good. We have been to marriage counseling since all of this and that has opened our eyes up to the fact that neither one of us knew how to be married and we were doing the opposite of making the other feel loved. I understand that she cheated on me to fill the void of attention that I wasn't giving her. Now don't anybody take that as me acting like it is okay and sweeping it under the rug. Believe me you I have raked her over the coals so many times. Since counselling and all of this had come out. Our marriage has done a complete 180 and it is better than it has ever been. Right now our life together is great and I couldn't imagine it being any better. We communicate well and are keeping each other feeling very loved. We have a 3-1/2 yr old daughter who loves us to death and my wife is now 4 weeks pregnant. That is where we are at. Also I will add that she is so remorseful and has apologized over the course of 4 months a million times. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would take it back if she could. But hell I would too if I got caught and went through all she has since it came out.

Now here is where I am at and need the help!

I can't stop thinking and worrying that she will cheat again. I never in a million years would have thought this would have happened NEVER! I also feel like she should be punished for what she did in some way. I feel like she has been rewarded with a great marriage since she had a PA. I just don't know what truth to believe out of her. I also feel like I wouldn't resent her as much if I was to go out and cheat on her one time. To level the playing field so to speak. I just want to get through this crappy point of my life I am in. I just don't know how.

Thanks for any advice.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

read A/R's link below, will help you quite a bit...everything you are feeling is normal.

sorry you are here, you can get thru it...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

1- well you cant do anything now because I already did forgive her and went on with your life. you cant just thinking about punishing after things going well.

2- about cheating in future, there is a good chance she would since she cheated not only with one but four guys. 

3- its up to you to gamble that she wont cheat again. 

4- you need to test for STD, and may be check if both babies are yours. 

5- may be she was physical with four of them. 

6- women are smart when it comes to being remersuful and playing emotional and regretful. basically she got a husband and family and got to sleep around. 

7- I would have left her long ago and filed for a divorce. may be in future if I sense she is really remresful we could get back together for the sake of the kids. 

8- or you could just kill your feelings for her and stay in the marriage for sake of the kids.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Can you get the paternity test in utero?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So she's pregnant... odds are, you may be the father 1 in 5.


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## 50shades (Jun 12, 2012)

Do you love her? really love her? While I would have concerns about paternity etc..you have to decide where your heart is. If things are getting better..keep trying. You have children either way..you are the daddy. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that going out and having your own affair will not help. Keep and hold dear the fact that you have been and will always be faithful. Even if things dont work out..you can leave knowing that you did the right thing.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

How do you feel about being cuckolded mate? Can you live with living and breathin proof of your wife's infidelity everyday for the rest of your life?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

rothjl03 said:


> Now here is where I am at and need the help!
> 
> I can't stop thinking and worrying that she will cheat again. I never in a million years would have thought this would have happened NEVER! I also feel like she should be punished for what she did in some way. I feel like she has been rewarded with a great marriage since she had a PA.


The only way that she will never cheat again is if she willingly adopts the concept of mutual transparency (no secret email, phones, passwords, etc.) as well as observes marital boundaries like never again having exclusive male friendships with whom she interacts and to report to you any male trying to establish an exclusive relationship with her no matter how innocent the guy appears on the surface.

It is very likely that before the EA/PA happened, she was certain that you were going to be the one to cheat. IF she is truly remorseful as you say, she is already being punished by the knowledge that she did something that she would never have thought possible. If her self-esteem was low before the EA/PA, it is now at its lowest after it. That doesn't sound much like a reward to me.

Like you, I'm a fBH (formerly betrayed husband) and from my POV, I would rather be a BH than a WH (wayward - cheating - husband) any day of the week.



> I just don't know what truth to believe out of her. I also feel like I wouldn't resent her as much if I was to go out and cheat on her one time. To level the playing field so to speak. I just want to get through this crappy point of my life I am in. I just don't know how. Thanks for any advice.


Nobody is stopping you from doing it but from the experience that other betrayed spouses that have had an RA (revenge affair) it has been, shall we say, less than satisfying. Furthermore, if you did have one, your wife would be in her right to divorce you IF it turned out that it was a deal breaker for her. Unfair? Perhaps but keep in mind that each person has different relational tolerances.

You don't build your self-esteem as a man by becoming a betrayer of your own core values. You do it by improving yourself in all aspects of your life so that you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and like what you see. Something that your wife can't do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So you want a revenge affair? To some, it works, but it brings you to the level of the cheater. She will stop working on herself and her boundaries. It will put your marriage in even worse position.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

As far as the new baby goes, I don't have any worries there. I am 99% sure of that. I just want to get on with my life. I am tired of thinking about this crap. I guess what I really want is some advice from a betrayed husband that stayed and is happy now. Like I said, life is great right now other than the crap in my head and the resentment I have toward my wife. Thank you for the responses so much!!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Sorry, but how can you be 99% sure the baby is yours? Four weeks ago you found out about her affairs. She's 4 weeks pregnant. Dude, not good, even if you had plenty of sex with your W around that time, so was someone else (I'd bet the mortgage it was many more times than just once). And is 99% sure good enough for you when it comes to whether your child you'll be raising/supporting for the next 18 years is actually yours, instead of some scumbag OM?

No real advice here, just want to make you think seriously about the ramifications here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

rothjl03 said:


> I guess what I really want is some advice from a betrayed husband that stayed and is happy now.


Here I am

and you probably won't like what I have to say


I am all for R....

under the correct conditions


1) NC no contact with OM
2) Complete transparency, all passwords and phone access, also your own verification of her actions (aka spying)
3) 100% remorse from the WS, takes full blame for the affair and no trickle truth, gaslighting or blameshifting
4) spending 15 hours a week of one on one time to rebond

and you don't have all of that

read both the newbie link and the my story link in my signature please


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Sorry, but how can you be 99% sure the baby is yours? Four weeks ago you found out about her affairs. She's 4 weeks pregnant. Dude, not good, even if you had plenty of sex with your W around that time, so was someone else (I'd bet the mortgage it was many more times than just once). And is 99% sure good enough for you when it comes to whether your child you'll be raising/supporting for the next 18 years is actually yours, instead of some scumbag OM?
> 
> No real advice here, just want to make you think seriously about the ramifications here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I was thinking the same.

There's no way you know for sure the baby is yours unless you get it tested for paternity.

Best to do it now before birth so that you dont get trapped into supporting someone else's child for 18 to 23 years, since the baby would be born into the marriage and would be considered legally yours to support.

Note that you forced her to stop the PA when you found out. She didnt stop on her own accord. You dont know if she took it underground, do you?


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Sorry, but how can you be 99% sure the baby is yours? Four weeks ago you found out about her affairs. She's 4 weeks pregnant. Dude, not good, even if you had plenty of sex with your W around that time, so was someone else (I'd bet the mortgage it was many more times than just once). And is 99% sure good enough for you when it comes to whether your child you'll be raising/supporting for the next 18 years is actually yours, instead of some scumbag OM?
> 
> No real advice here, just want to make you think seriously about the ramifications here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She had 3 periods since I found out about the PA. The PA was 4 months ago and she has been pregnant for about 1 month. The reason I sort of believe that it was only a one time thing was because just as soon as it happened I immediately notice something different about her. I didn't get it figured out for a little while but I knew something was up right off.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If it's 4 guys then I presume most of what she'd been saying was BS because it's illogical to assume she was being genuine with each of them. 

The one that she had a PA with is the one you should worry about.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> (I'd bet the mortgage it was many more times than just once).


Remember the LAY'S advertising slogan: "Bet you can't eat just one."


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

The guy that she had the PA with left for Afghanistan the day after the PA.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you actually confirm her affairs or just going by her word of mouth. Usually serial cheaters don't stop and get pregnant by their loyal husband, you need to dig much deeper into it by yourself.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

Going by her word.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

4 months out? It definitely looks like you're in the anger stage. Follow Almostrecovered's advice about NC, transparency, 



Almostrecovered said:


> I am all for R....
> 
> under the correct conditions
> 
> ...


You're also angry because you can't trust her anymore. That trust has to be rebuilt. Have her write out a timeline on paper, about who, what, and where about the EAs....if you're sure about that they were only EAs. You haven't given us much info about our situation, so its hard to form an opinion. You never said where she works, how these EAs happened, were they coworkers, were they strangers online. Obviously the PA OM is military since he deployed to Afghanistan. So does that mean you're military or near a military base? Need more info here.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

rothjl03 said:


> Going by her word.


Then you know by now you can't do that. She MUST write out a timeline for the affairs and you have to verify them. This is part of what's bothering you and causing resentment: The not knowing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Our marriage was more like roommates. We had sex at least 2 or 3 times a week and the sex has always been really good.


That does not sound like a marriage that was "more like roommates.":scratchhead:


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> Going by her word.


I'm sorry to tell you this, but that's not good enough.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Do you, 100% certain, that she has not had PAs with others or she is telling you the truth on the number of times with the soldier boy. Look, TAM moms confirm this, women can have bleeding after conception - emulating a period. 

Look, imangine this, you go on with your marriage, the child is born, several years later she cheats again - during the divorce you find that the child is not yours. Dude, you will be on the hook for child support until that child is 18.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> The guy that she had the PA with left for Afghanistan the day after the PA.


Roth, you need to go 'undercover' and dig through her emails, facebook, computer files, phone texts/calls. Do these without telling her. 

Unless you can confirm what she said was the whole truth, you'll be basing the future of your marriage on lies. You might want to do these right away without losing another minute.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

roth,

Did you ever sync her Iphone back in February? Has she reinstalled her commo ap she had on there so the commo was disguised as data transfer?

Basically, you're going to have to play detective for the rest of your marriage. Not all the time, but every now and then.

Also, read this blog for understanding how to make yourself more sexually attractive to your wife and read this blog to understand how women's lower thought processes work with regards to women's sexual behavior and how guys in the know exploit that.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

First, what does everybody think about the baby and being mine or not?

My times where off a little bit. I am confident that the only PA's happened on a few days before and after Christmas. Just found out last night that it was more than once in fact it was three times. Army boy was in town for about a week, which that is verified. She said that she wanted to tell me about her still lying but our marriage counselor advised her against it saying that the damage was already done. I really have mixed feelings about their advice in the first place! She went to the doc last Friday and they told her she was 4 weeks pregnant. I am not saying that it is impossible that she hasn't had a PA since then, but I can promise you it would be very hard for her too keep it a secret. We are texting non stop, we spend almost every minute together, she has no more facebook and I keep track with comp history, I go through her phone frequently, when she gets a text she shows me, she sent a letter of NC that I hand delivered to the mail, she acts and seems so so very remorseful, she is never on the computer nor is she hardly texting at all, she is willing to set me up with a friend of ours to have sex with her to level the playing field so to speak (I see many opinions coming from that one right there!!). I just haven't seen anything come out of her that resembles not being remorseful.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

As far as the digging goes, we went through everything together and have erased everything. I have no idea where I would dig anymore and I keep constant tabs as well.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

You will NEVER be comfortable with trusting her. All it will take is her finding the need to be away from you for a few hours and the first thing that will pop into your head is "should I trust her?"
I doubt she would go along with a DNA test prior to giving birth, but once the baby comes, it should be a high priority to find out if you are the daddy.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

I do understand that I will never trust her the way I did before. To be honest I was blindly trusting her which is not a good idea. As far as being away from her, I am at work while she is home all day during the summer. I don't worry often, but sometimes of course. As far as a prior test, she will go along with anything. I mean ANYTHING! I can promise you beyond a shadow of any doubt she will do the biggest or smallest thing if I ask.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

rothjl03 said:


> She said that she wanted to tell me about her still lying but our marriage counselor advised her against it saying that the damage was already done.


get a new counselor stat


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You're supposed to be rebuilding trust and how the hell are you going to do that when she hasn't told the entire truth?

the advice of the MC ticks me off big time


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> You're supposed to be rebuilding trust and how the hell are you going to do that when she hasn't told the entire truth?
> 
> the advice of the MC ticks me off big time


Yeah, you ain't kidding about the MC. They didn't want her discussing details at all. I understand not wanting the details in my head but when I am asking her about them, she should be honest irregardless. I feel that if she can't be honest now that I won't ever be able to trust her word. I think we got all the truth out, I don't know. At this moment I sorta feel like the whole truth has been spilled. Nothing has added up like it does now and I don't see any holes in the story anymore.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Of course she will do anything you ask---she doesn't wanna find herself in a D., situation, and facing the big bad world on her own---It would mean getting a job, which still wouldn't keep her in good shape moneywise---taking care of 2 kids, when she has them, as in her time with the kids,----and then with all of this baggage, trying to find another man---so yes she will do anything you want---and say anything she thinks you need to hear---so you stay

My question to you is---what happened to YOUR self respect---or do you not care that she was keeping with 4 different men, and having sex with one of them, at least that's what she is telling you---one time, now has become 3 times---and do you really think nothing happened with the 3 other lovers

What have you done about it---you took her back, and everything is as it was---she sleeps in your bed---she continues life on as it was

What has she given up---oh yeah you text each other ---so F'ing what, she has no facebook---so F'ing what---she has no social contact with men---so F'ing what

Name one thing that has been instituted that has shown you will not just let life be as it was------all of the things you instituted were things any normal mge, already has, without the cheating

Your wife is a piece of work---she has offered to allow you to have sex----WHAT THE F DOES SHE THINK MGE IS---a big F'ing joke

What do you actually have for a wife---she has no morals, no scrupels, carries on with 4 guys at once, wants you to cheat, and what do you do---you do nothing------your instituting contact limits, is not making life hard for her---it is nothing---name one thing you have done, that has changed life for her, forced her into accountability, and shown her that you will not tolerate/condone her lying, planned cheating, TT, and disrespect of you, and her family

Believe me she will cheat again---as soon as she is bored with you, and can figure out another way to justify it!!!!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

rothjl03 said:


> she is willing to set me up with a friend of ours to have sex with her to level the playing field so to speak (I see many opinions coming from that one right there!!).


My ex-wife made this same offer to me so that I wouldn't feel like she go to enjoy sex on the side and I would never get to experience the same. I'd be lying if I said that I had not seriously considered it but discarded shortly thereafter for the last thing I wanted was to have sex with her or any other woman (sex was too much of a trigger for me) and unless I recorded a video session of me with the woman having sex, and making sure that my then-wife would get to see all the gory details of it, she would never in a million years be able to experience what I had experienced. 

I know cpacan took advantage of his WW's offer and he ran with it. His wife then did a 180 degree turn after he had slept with a few women and finally felt the pain she had inflicted on him even though she was the one who made the offer and he was not hiding his extra-marital sexual activities from her. She begged him to stop and told him that she had lost the desire to have sex with any man but him. It seems to have worked for them but I can't help but wonder what if cpacan had liked it so much that he told her "No. I want to continue with the open marriage and if you can't deal with it, then go ahead and file for divorce."? It's an extremely risky gamble for once you let the toothpaste out, it's impossible to put it back in the tube.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Roth......Doctors pretty much set the date of conception based on the information the mom gives, dates of sex acts etc., it's not science but an educated guess. Unless you're 100% certain, get a paternity test when the baby is delivered. Trust but verify.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Of course she will do anything you ask---she doesn't wanna find herself in a D., situation, and facing the big bad world on her own---It would mean getting a job, which still wouldn't keep her in good shape moneywise---taking care of 2 kids, when she has them, as in her time with the kids,----and then with all of this baggage, trying to find another man---so yes she will do anything you want---and say anything she thinks you need to hear---so you stay
> 
> My question to you is---what happened to YOUR self respect---or do you not care that she was keeping with 4 different men, and having sex with one of them, at least that's what she is telling you---one time, now has become 3 times---and do you really think nothing happened with the 3 other lovers
> 
> ...


Well you have said it and said it well! To be honest, I have no idea what to do as I have never been in this situation. I haven't been the Alpha male I should be, but I am doing my best to be the man of the house! I just know what I should do. I believe in second chances as I would want the same for me. One side of the story I haven't told is that I have been addicted to porn for 10 years without her ever know about it which I confessed before I found out she cheated. I confessed because I knew something was up with her.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> Roth......Doctors pretty much set the date of conception based on the information the mom gives, dates of sex acts etc., it's not science but an educated guess. Unless you're 100% certain, get a paternity test when the baby is delivered. Trust but verify.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No worries there. I will do for sure!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

One last thing in reference to my previous post. A year and a half after my divorce became finalized, I ran into my ex-wife out on the streets and I made the extremely bad choice of taking her insistent offer to go have some coffee at a nearby cafe. To say that it was an uncomfortable situation for me would be an understatement, so after about 15 minutes I told her I had to leave because of other pressing matters that I needed to attend. She reached out and tried to give me her new phone number so I could call her anytime I wanted. I told her I couldn't accept it because I was involved with another woman (my present GF). The look on her face went from a happy one to a painful "sucker punch" look I will never forget. A few days later I got a call from our mutual friend telling me that my ex-wife had gone to see her telling her about our encounter and of the fact that I told her I was involved with another woman. She cried and pleaded to her to give her any information on where I could be located but our mutual friend told her she had no information on my whereabouts (she was not lying). My ex-wife then cried out to her *"How could mori due this to me?"* :wtf: Needless to say that this was the catalyst that brought about her mental and emotional meltdown in the weeks to come where she attempted suicide and was briefly institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital by her parents.

My point in bringing this up is that if my ex-wife could not handle the knowledge of me being sexually and emotionally involved with another woman, how the hell would she have been able to handle if I had taken her offer to have sex with another woman right after DDay? :scratchhead:


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> As far as the digging goes, we went through everything together and *have erased everything*. I have no idea where I would dig anymore and I keep constant tabs as well.


:slap:

Tell her you'll be taking her to polygraph then hand over a paper and ask her to write every extramarital affair she had, in detail. Once she finishes ask her if she has anything more to add? is she sure? Keep a serious/emotionless face and you'll get a good answer.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> My ex-wife made this same offer to me so that I wouldn't feel like she go to enjoy sex on the side and I would never get to experience the same. I'd be lying if I said that I had not seriously considered it but discarded shortly thereafter for the last thing I wanted was to have sex with her or any other woman (sex was too much of a trigger for me) and unless I recorded a video session of me with the woman having sex, and making sure that my then-wife would get to see all the gory details of it, she would never in a million years be able to experience what I had experienced.
> 
> I know cpacan took advantage of his WW's offer and he ran with it. His wife then did a 180 degree turn after he had slept with a few women and finally felt the pain she had inflicted on him even though she was the one who made the offer and he was not hiding his extra-marital sexual activities from her. She begged him to stop and told him that she had lost the desire to have sex with any man but him. It seems to have worked for them but I can't help but wonder what if cpacan had liked it so much that he told her "No. I want to continue with the open marriage and if you can't deal with it, then go ahead and file for divorce."? It's an extremely risky gamble for once you let the toothpaste out, it's impossible to put it back in the tube.


My clue  A very good and fair description Mori.

Unfortunately I can't tell you that it was a magic wand that made all the difficulties and pain disappear. But it did level the playing field for us.

The subject was up at my last IC session, where I realized that there is a pattern in my wife's ability to show remorse and commit 100% to our relationship. The one and only stimuli that seems to work is when I manage to show my male strength when it comes to attracting other women.

This was very clear when I used my free pass. And there has been some other occassions when I force myself into open and maybe a little bit flirty behavior when we socialize.

She reacts immediatly to this. So I have to decide for myself if this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. It would be nice if I could relax just once in a while.  But it seems she is more attracted to the stronger cpacan than the sorry one she created by her cheating.

So lots of work for me, but all in all, it helped us in our process. I think it is important that the free pass IS agreed on by both and not forced by BS. 

But it's definitely not a path for everyone, at least so it seems from reading the stories here.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Man you're still in deep denial, right now you're going through the shock of finding out, do not schedule counselling sessions right now because if I'm not mistaken there are 4 other people entering the MC's office along with you and your wife.

And why the bloody hell did you erase the texts? Don't rugsweep now lest you regret it later when something else comes to bite you up your arse


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> One side of the story I haven't told is that I have been addicted to porn for 10 years without her ever know about it


You're addicted to watching sexual intercourse and perhaps fantasizing about doing it? Adding that to your addiction to eating, sleeping and breathing... Man... You're really a sick person. I advise you to seek treatment!

Now seriously. Do women ever apologize for reading romantic novels where they imagine themselves in the part of the courted woman? Are they fighting with addiction to romantic novels? 

The only difference between these situations is that men use visual stimulation and women emotional one. It's the same basic stuff, only in gendered versions. 

Somehow women in your society convinced you that seeing porn is a real problem whereas their fantasy book on that "Handsome Arabian Sheik 101" is harmless. That and lying cheating bastards getting caught cheating and claiming to be "addicted to sex and porn". Hoping to cash in the pity card people give addicts nowadays.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Man you're still in deep denial, right now you're going through the shock of finding out, do not schedule counselling sessions right now because if I'm not mistaken there are 4 other people entering the MC's office along with you and your wife.
> 
> And why the bloody hell did you erase the texts? Don't rugsweep now lest you regret it later when something else comes to bite you up your arse


You may have me mistaken. We haven't been going to counseling lately. They helped us tremendously as far as how to be married. We both come from broken homes and had no idea what marriage was suppose to look like. I did like my dad and kept myself occupied with hobbies and friends and everything but my wife. My wife new nothing but being quarrelsome and nagging all the time. Which by the way drove me to keep space even more. As far as dealing with the issues of the PA they haven't helped me a huge deal.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cpacan said:


> The subject was up at my last IC session, where I realized that there is a pattern in my wife's ability to show remorse and commit 100% to our relationship. *The one and only stimuli that seems to work is when I manage to show my male strength when it comes to attracting other women.*
> 
> This was very clear when I used my free pass. And there has been some other occassions when I force myself into open and maybe a little bit flirty behavior when we socialize.
> 
> She reacts immediatly to this. So I have to decide for myself if this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. It would be nice if I could relax just once in a while.  *But it seems she is more attracted to the stronger cpacan than the sorry one she created by her cheating*.


In many women, if not most, this behavior is hard wired. Speaking on a primal level, even women who are financially independent, deep down still want a man who is attractive to other women for it proves to her that she made the right choice in taking him as her mate. Of course not all women are completely driven by their primal desires but are still deeply influenced by them, just like we men are by ours. In the case of your wife, it would seem that you've got a cave woman in your hands 

As far as being able to relax once in a while is concerned, that can only be achieved if you can adopt the mindset that at any moment you can lose everything you have and to learn to enjoy it while you can. This is called *making peace with our mortality and the finality of everything in our lives.*The sooner we let go of our irrational beliefs (as the Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapists like to call them) the easier it is to have peace in our lives.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

costa200 said:


> You're addicted to watching sexual intercourse and perhaps fantasizing about doing it? Adding that to your addiction to eating, sleeping and breathing... Man... You're really a sick person. I advise you to seek treatment!
> 
> Now seriously. Do women ever apologize for reading romantic novels where they imagine themselves in the part of the courted woman? Are they fighting with addiction to romantic novels?
> 
> ...


The MC's that we were going to consider it to be the same sin. Go figure that one!!!! The problem is that my wife told me that if she ever caught me looking at porn she would divorce me. Obviously she isn't going to since she done the worse of the two. But either way I was going behind her back for 8 years and watching porn any chance I could get. I just don't want to look like the holy one here. We both have been destroying our marriage day by day since day one. We have never been a team it's always been husband vs wife and vice versa.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

morituri said:


> In many women, if not most, this behavior is hard wired. Speaking on a primal level, even women who are financially independent, deep down still want a man who is attractive to other women for it proves to her that she made the right choice in taking him as her mate. Of course not all women are completely driven by their primal desires but are still deeply influenced by them, just like we men are by ours. In the case of your wife, it would seem that you've got a cave woman in your hands
> 
> As far as being able to relax once in a while is concerned, that can only be achieved if you can adopt the mindset that at any moment you can lose everything you have and to learn to enjoy it while you can. This is called *making peace with our mortality and the finality of everything in our lives.*The sooner we let go of our irrational beliefs (as the Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapists like to call them) the easier it is to have peace in our lives.


Well thats the thing, I have seen every man she has ever dated and even the guy she had the PA with. I look like an elite bodybuilding athlete compared to those bastards. I am in very good shape. I work out 3-4 times a week and eat moderately healthy.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The MC's that we were going to consider it to be the same sin. Go figure that one!!!! The problem is that my wife told me that if she ever caught me looking at porn she would divorce me.


If i might say... Coming from someone with her history this is... I don't know what to call it.



> Well thats the thing, I have seen every man she has ever dated and even the guy she had the PA with. I look like an elite bodybuilding athlete compared to those bastards. I am in very good shape. I work out 3-4 times a week and eat moderately healthy.


Man, maybe it's just not you... Some women will cheat on Brad Pitt with Justin Bieber. And they have their own irrational reasons.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You believed yesterday that you know everything but today you know that it was not once but 3 times, tomorrow...........

Ask the IC whether she told your wife not to say.

Dont believe a word cheaters say, they will always lie, downplay and manipulate you to believe their story so that they can continue their cake eating.

Dont panic if your wife delivers before the 9 months mark.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

one thing i rarely see men do is call a womans bluff. this is one of their biggest tricks and we always fall for it. I will do this i will do that, you can sleep with someone else, i will do anything you ask. they know that you will turm down their offers so i say take them upm on their BS. it has really stopped my wife from doing this because that tactic no longer works. If she says she will do any and everything then set up a poly graph as suggested, write out questions and answers ahead of time. She has so little respect for you that she says she will find someone for you to sleep with. Tell her this. I have decied to take you up on that evening the playing field thing but i don't need you to set me up with some chick, i can get a girl on my own, there are plenty of girls out there I have been avoiding because i WAS married. This will set off her brain going in different directions so fast, what girls, what does he mean was married, does he have someone in mind? etc. and do not answer any of those questions. You didn't get to know any of that stuff with her affair. I am not saying to go forward with this but you have to call her on her BS. She knew you would so no to that, this is a game of manipulation and she is mopping the floor with you. She is ten steps ahead of you, she asks you questions she knows how you will answer and so on. time to upset the apple cart and throw her off, do something unexpected of yourself, CHANGE!


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> I can't stop thinking and worrying that she will cheat again. I never in a million years would have thought this would have happened NEVER! I also feel like she should be punished for what she did in some way. I feel like she has been rewarded with a great marriage since she had a PA. I just don't know what truth to believe out of her. I also feel like I wouldn't resent her as much if I was to go out and cheat on her one time. To level the playing field so to speak. I just want to get through this crappy point of my life I am in. I just don't know how.


Well, she had a PA once (by her account) and now knows that you will accept it. She has a kid on the way (maybe yours, maybe not) and needs the support and stability that you offer.

Women are REALLY good at compartmentalizing situations. Basically, she now knows that if she wants to keep a stable home life, she's going to have to be more careful the next time she starts chatting up some guy on Facebook or meeting for some extracurricular activities.

Don't believe anything she says to you, because odds are, you'll only be getting about half the truth anyways.

If you want to stay with her, don't worry or think about her cheating again. Just accept that she probably will and watch for the red flags. Be stealth about it. Detach emotionally. Have your lawyer picked out and the next time she does it, file the paper work.

:smthumbup:


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

costa200 said:


> If i might say... Coming from someone with her history this is... I don't know what to call it.
> 
> 
> 
> Man, maybe it's just not you... Some women will cheat on Brad Pitt with Justin Bieber. And they have their own irrational reasons.


The one thing that I have never given her is my complete attention. Looking back with what I know from therapy, she told me what she wanted and I never paid it no mind. Which, was to spend time with me.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She has so little respect for you that she says she will find someone for you to sleep with.


:scratchhead:

I had missed that bit... Damn... Talk about ball busting. Just for that she needs all the OP can throw at her...


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

Why do you guys on here have to be so fricken right!!

Last night I find out it was not one guy but two. And after being on here the past few days and finding out more and more stuff. I have finally realized that I can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth. Love sure is blind. I love that woman more than dang near anything. I wanted it to work and I wanted to trust her so bad that I was blind to what you guys could see without even knowing her.

Thank you everyone for all the in your face truth that I needed!!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

roth we've been there mate, when a cheater's mouth moves lies come out.

You need to stop being a passive observer now. Stop being trodden all over by this fugly cow.

You need to spread your wings and fly away before the egg hatches man

And don't beat yourself up about the being blind part, most of us usually are till the shlt comes crawling up our arse

What're you gonna do next?


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

So, I am starting the divorce process and I have no idea where to start. I know there are plenty of people on here that has gone through almost the same thing. We don't have much stuff. The mortgage outweighs everything else. We have a 3-1/2yr old daughter. Just typing about my daughter is making me cry right now. That little girl is so happy with the two of us. Every night she won't go to sleep until mom and dad both hug her, kiss her, read her books, and say good night prayers with her. That little girl doesn't deserve this and it just kills me that her mom could have done this. I feel so bad for my daughter being that she did nothing wrong!! 

Okay, so to recap now that I have some composure. We have more debt than assets, we have a 3-1/2yr old and a baby on the way as you all have seen. Where do I start? I really feel like she will be reasonable here. But ya know I can't think that because I don't even know that woman anymore. Right now the arrangements I have enforced are that I will have my daughter at our house every night after I get off work. The mom will not come back to this house unless it's just to get clothes and such. We bought the house before we got married and since her credit was bad her name is not on the house at all. I just wonder what issues that is?

Any advice will be taken to heart and I appreciate it more than you guys know.

Thanks!!


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

I am at such ruins here. I knew this would never happen. I never wanted this to happen.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Hang in there mate, my son was 4 when my wife had her PA and I was in your boots literally.

Don't let emotions cloud your judgement now, Children will adapt to change much more easily than you realize.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

C'est la vie


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

definitely ask the lawyer about the baby and what legally you can do to get testing and what legal responsibilities you will have if it isn't yours, etc


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She is a broken woman and thus there is nothing you cannot do to fix her.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

morituri said:


> She is a broken woman and thus there is nothing you cannot do to fix her.


Double negative


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Mate you should really get the prenatal paternity test done before starting the proceedings


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Though you may not believe it, but take it from those of us who divorced our ex-wives while still loving them to death, you will make it bro, count on ti. Nevertheless, try to ditch the poisonous anger and bitterness as much as you can.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

From my experience, serial cheaters never stop cheating and betraying their spouse. It doesn't matter who their married to, they will continue to cheat.

If you decide to work this out, don't be surprised when she cheats on you again.

Pack your bags and leave. Or make her go. Sorry your going though this. My ex h IS very much a serial cheater. Even 18 years later.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I found a man whom I fully trust. We've been married 12 wonderful years. There's no spying, wondering, fighting, or betrayal.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> Why do you guys on here have to be so fricken right!!
> 
> Last night I find out it was not one guy but two. And after being on here the past few days and finding out more and more stuff. I have finally realized that I can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth. Love sure is blind. I love that woman more than dang near anything. I wanted it to work and I wanted to trust her so bad that I was blind to what you guys could see without even knowing her.
> 
> Thank you everyone for all the in your face truth that I needed!!


How did you find it out? Have you confirmed it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

keko said:


> How did you find it out? Have you confirmed it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I told her I was going to rent a polygraph machine and if any lies where found we would be done with no chance of trying. Then I told her if she would come clean this last time without the machine I would try to make it work.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

morituri said:


> Though you may not believe it, but take it from those of us who divorced our ex-wives while still loving them to death, you will make it bro, count on ti. Nevertheless, try to ditch the poisonous anger and bitterness as much as you can.


Thank you. And any advice on the anger and bitterness?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Acknowledge the anger and accept it. Pretty soon you'll start noticing that it diminishes. Maintain a journal and record your daily thoughts and emotions.

Don't let the bitterness set in, just read mori's http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559

Print out a copy and keep it with you


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> I told her I was going to rent a polygraph machine and if any lies where found we would be done with no chance of trying. Then I told her if she would come clean this last time without the machine I would try to make it work.


Was he involved anytime near? Maybe during conception?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't think so, but who the hell knows


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Try asking her once again.

Have gotten tested for STDs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Don't assume anything, mate get a prenatal paternity test done otherwise you could be paying child support for a child thats not yours for the next 18 years


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You now need to be active in finding out if the 2nd child is yours---if not, you want to make sure you are not named the father---or you will be stuck with the kids father for the next 18 yrs

You can start the D. process yourself---1st go to google, and then go to your state, go to FAMILY CODES---then read everything---read all the statutes, about D., itself, property, custody ---read everything

Then go to forms, and print out the D. forms, print out D., custody,property, and anything else needed in that section

Fill out the forms, if your wife is on board, then fill them out together, and file them----Your total cost, to start is filing fees, and service fee---very little, probably less than $400

If you need a consult with an atty--do it--those are usually free---if an atty is needed later on---then you deal with that, whaen its needed---usually the court will appoint a mediator---and that is free


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The suggestion that you have sex with one of her friends was just a smoke screen since she already knew you wouldn't before you even had time to consider it.
What you will find once this is all over is that you may start dating again, but you will always have it in the back of your mind that you aren't performing up to your female friend's expectations and it will take quite a while before you give those thoughts up. What comes next is that you start to realize that having sex without the "illusion" of love becomes a chore and until you stumble across somebody that you "think" you love and hope that they love you, it will be unfulfilling for you and not worth the effort.
Sorry


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

What was her reaction to you starting the divorce proceedings?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Can you keep up the house payments without her income? You lucked out not having her on the mortgage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> My ex-wife made this same offer to me so that I wouldn't feel like she go to enjoy sex on the side and I would never get to experience the same. I'd be lying if I said that I had not seriously considered it but discarded shortly thereafter for the last thing I wanted was to have sex with her or any other woman (sex was too much of a trigger for me) and unless I recorded a video session of me with the woman having sex, and making sure that my then-wife would get to see all the gory details of it, she would never in a million years be able to experience what I had experienced.
> 
> I know cpacan took advantage of his WW's offer and he ran with it. His wife then did a 180 degree turn after he had slept with a few women and finally felt the pain she had inflicted on him even though she was the one who made the offer and he was not hiding his extra-marital sexual activities from her. She begged him to stop and told him that she had lost the desire to have sex with any man but him. It seems to have worked for them but I can't help but wonder what if cpacan had liked it so much that he told her "No. I want to continue with the open marriage and if you can't deal with it, then go ahead and file for divorce."? It's an extremely risky gamble for once you let the toothpaste out, it's impossible to put it back in the tube.


Yes. I can confirm that this does not work. My stumble towards a PA (avoided at the last second, literally) nearly destroyed me, as I suddenly realised perhaps I was not the person I thought I was.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Can you keep up the house payments without her income? You lucked out not having her on the mortgage.


She hasn't had a job in 4 yrs. With her out of the picture things should get a little cheaper.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

Complexity said:


> What was her reaction to you starting the divorce proceedings?


I haven't started them yet, I am researching how to do it properly. To answer your question, she is completely destroyed. Her friend called me telling me she was going to have to take her to the hospital. She has been throwing up like mad and not eating anything. She is living at her Dad's. She is willing to do absolutely anything to "fix" this. I feel real bad for her. But you know what, all I can say now is that I hope it was some real good sex!! I can't imagine sex so good to lose everything I have.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Crocodile tears, too little too late.

Do her parents know how many guys went over her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

hookares said:


> The suggestion that you have sex with one of her friends was just a smoke screen since she already knew you wouldn't before you even had time to consider it.
> What you will find once this is all over is that you may start dating again, but you will always have it in the back of your mind that you aren't performing up to your female friend's expectations and it will take quite a while before you give those thoughts up. What comes next is that you start to realize that having sex without the "illusion" of love becomes a chore and until you stumble across somebody that you "think" you love and hope that they love you, it will be unfulfilling for you and not worth the effort.
> Sorry


Not sure that I agree with all of this. One of my biggest ways to feel loved is through sex. Not sure if you can envision this, but when I used to hug my wife I wanted to hug inside of her and be one person. The closest I can get to that is being inside of her through sex. As far as performing, that ain't no problem!! I aim to please and I always make my woman orgasm. ALWAYS!! My objective in sex is never to please me, I please first and then get mine. I could never imagine having an issue not living up to expectations in sex. Can't happen!!


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

keko said:


> Crocodile tears, too little too late.
> 
> Do her parents know how many guys went over her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah, her dad knows everything now. ****ty part is, everyone suspected but me. Which, I am sure that is everyone's story.


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## rothjl03 (Feb 13, 2012)

My plan for now:

Divorce and see other people. If I don't find what I think is my soul mate then maybe when the baby is born, who knows.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rothjl03 said:


> Oh yeah, her dad knows everything now. ****ty part is, everyone suspected but me. Which, I am sure that is everyone's story.


No longer your problem, 'everyone' can now deal with her and her lovers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good for you kicking her out. She is reaping the fruits of her stupidity. Make sure you ask the lawyer about your rights if the child turns out not to be yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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