# Lost, confused, alone



## Dots (May 17, 2019)

I don't understand how someone that claims that they loved you for so long can just turn it off. To be so cold, callous and cruel.

I'm going through a divorce that I didn't want. He never gave me a reason why. After he filed he left to go live with his ex from 20 years ago. I'm assuming the affair must have been going on for quite some time. 

I was blind. I trusted. I loved... and still do. 

I want the hurt to go away. I feel so angry. There's noone to talk to; my best friend of 20'so years has gone silent. I don't know what I did so wrong. I don't understand.

I busy myself. I try to forget. Nothing works.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. Please stop trying to figure out what you did wrong, because NOTHING you did made him choose to cheat on you! He is selfish and a coward, he took the cowardly way out of the marriage by cheating instead of being honest with you that he wanted out, and that is in NO WAY your fault! Also you will NEVER get a reason why from him, and if you do, it will be him blameshifting HIS disgusting behavior onto you. So just remind yourself that the reason WHY is because he is a selfish, entitled piece of crap, nothing more. 

Now that you are at this stage, can you look back and see the red flags you either missed or ignored? Surely you had to have some kind of feeling that something wasnt right... Did he start suddenly having to work longer or strange hours? Become obsessive about his grooming habits? Ramp up your sex together? Or the most telling, was he guarding his phone, or spending an insane amount of time on it?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am so sorry that this tragedy has befallen on you.

Your cheating spouse did not turn his love off. 

No, not true.

He pulled his love-plug out from you and gave it back to his EX.
As you stated.

Why would you want to forget? 
Forgetting is burying, not learning painfully, life's hard lessons.

Feeling sad and hurt means you have a good heart, had good intentions, he did not.
Keep in mind, he left his EX before, he must not have had good intentions with her, either (again?)

Now, he goes back to her?
There was unfinished business there, with her, shady business, bankrupt once, business.

I am assuming you are now in your forties, maybe early fifties?
If so, you still have time to find new love.

Fear not, he has more to lose than you. He is going to lose a loyal wife, gain a cheating (with a married man, old EX).

He got the short end of the stick. Ah, he is too dumb to know this.
Life is full of dumb people.

Keeping busy is good, get a long term exercise program started. Maybe speed walking with a like minded friend.

Oh, what is it with your long time friend?

Does she, is she secretly siding with your estranged husband?
Secretly, maybe intimately connected to him?

Hopefully, she just does not know what to say. 
Watch her, she may not be your' friend.

She may have a reason not to be friendly. Maybe she tastes some bitter root?





[THM]- Lilith


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Dots, betrayal cuts so deep. Personally, I believe most people never fully recover. That said, there is still life out there. And it can be a good one. This is your time to hurt, to grieve and to endure the elevator of emotions. But this time passes. Slowly, but it does. You have several good people here who will be here for you.


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

Thank you. 

I do see all of the warning signs that I ignored over the years. Many things he made my fault, made me feel bad or crazy whenever I tried to stand up for myself. 

He started guarding his phone and computer one year into our marriage; his reason was because I had seen that he was talking to other women and looking at 100s of porn videos in a single day and when I told him I didn't like that he told me I was bad, crazy, evil... real women don't have trust issues and that I should be grateful to all the women for being there for him when I failed to be. So after that he password everything because I was untrustworthy.

I was evil, bad, crazy, lazy, a waif if I ever had a concern that tarnished his self.

... then he'd take it back, apologize
... until the next time. 

I know I am better off with him gone though I am having a hard time. 
I'm very, very angry.

How can anyone just abandon their family. Wife, children just left like waste.

I'm so angry for my children. 
I'm angry at the girl for doing this to my children. 
I'm angry at him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hang on to the angry, yet you'll ho through, as is normal, the grief stages of a loss in your life. 

It will get better, there are better, less worrisome, less stressful times ahead.

It will seem almost insurmountable a mountain to climb to get through this but you will.

And be stronger and better off.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dots said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I do see all of the warning signs that I ignored over the years. Many things he made my fault, made me feel bad or crazy whenever I tried to stand up for myself.
> 
> ...


Oh HELL YES you are SOOO much better off without him then! WOW! Like Ragnar said, hold onto that anger, anger can be very productive when you are going through this and will serve you well. This man is a selfish piece of crap, what a jerk! Please take lessons from this marriage and know what NOT to do and how to deal in the future.


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

I keep my focus on myself and the kids. I'm alone and it's okay most of the time but some of the time I wish for someone to talk to.

It's hard to make new friends when your my age and the kids , they keep me very busy. 


I really do appreciate your time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

That is a bitter pill to swallow.

But, it certainly sounds like you have your arms around it. Certainly not saying it doesn't hurt like hell, or pose some really, really, hard times.


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

Sorry, I meant he was my best friend and he has gone silent. I don't even know his address and he refuses to give it. 

I don't have any friends or family where I live. I tried to find support groups near me but there are none. I did try a few apps like next door and meetup to see if I could get a group together but as soon as I posted guys came out of the woodwork being creepy. 

I'm trying very hard right now not to become bitter towards all men.





SunCMars said:


> I am so sorry that this tragedy has befallen on you.
> 
> Your cheating spouse did not turn his love off.
> 
> ...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Dots said:


> I don't understand how someone that claims that they loved you for so long can just turn it off. To be so cold, callous and cruel.
> 
> I'm going through a divorce that I didn't want. He never gave me a reason why. After he filed he left to go live with his ex from 20 years ago. I'm assuming the affair must have been going on for quite some time.
> 
> ...


Sorry you are going though this. 

But now you have to look after yourself. Have you talked to a lawyer? Make sure you protect yourself.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

I wish I had some wise advice but all I can offer is sympathy. I am getting divorced from my H of over 20 years and I am on the same rollercoaster. I found out that he had a long-term affair and I was clueless. I go from angry, to sad, and every once in a while see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. I do focus on my kids and keeping things normal for them. I'd like to think that someday he will regret what he has lost.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He was a pathetic 'best friend' since he was also a cheater, belittler, and full of disdain for you. What did you love about him? Your anger is normal, but will hurt only you--not him. Give yourself some time. Find a good lawyer. You deserve better. Can you find support from a local church or community group like the YWCA?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dots said:


> I don't understand how someone that claims that they loved you for so long can just turn it off. To be so cold, callous and cruel.
> 
> I'm going through a divorce that I didn't want. He never gave me a reason why. After he filed he left to go live with his ex from 20 years ago. I'm assuming the affair must have been going on for quite some time.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry, @Dots. I think counselling might help you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dots said:


> I keep my focus on myself and the kids. I'm alone and it's okay most of the time but some of the time I wish for someone to talk to.
> 
> It's hard to make new friends when your my age and the kids , they keep me very busy.
> 
> ...


 @Dots, we have your back. :smthumbup:


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

I am with you, it is a roller coaster of emotions. 

I thought I was blind to years of cheating but I now see that I knew, I just convinced myself to ignore it. 

Always walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Now I have anxiety because new things surface and surprise me. I've turned off all social media because he and his friends and family kept rubbing his newfound happiness in my face as well as our children's. It's disgusting and hurtful.

There were many things I liked about him, loved even; yet there were more things that were not so great. And as time passes, I have to keep reminding myself that the bad existed and it was BAD. 

He is very intelligent and a self proclaimed wordsmith. He has a silver tongue and wick wit and no matter what he did wrong or how much he hurt me he always convinced me I was wrong and that he was right. 

I think my biggest fear is that he would come back and be able to draw me back in. I'm rebuilding my boundaries but he always has been able to knock them down. I hope he just stays away. 

He likes to use big words and legal terms as leverage. For many years he would tell me I had a bad memory and would talk circles around me, I thought I was going crazy. He kept me in a cloud of self doubt.

When he abandoned me and the kids we found out he had not paid the mortgage in almost a year, leaving us homeless. Luckily, I found us an apartment. 

I just feel lost. I know it will be okay but I still have grief. I feel for the children abd have no answers for them. I just tell them that mom and dad love them very much. Dad's just become lost and we will pray he finds his way. 

I just wish my stupid mind would stop and be silent. 




20yr said:


> I wish I had some wise advice but all I can offer is sympathy. I am getting divorced from my H of over 20 years and I am on the same rollercoaster. I found out that he had a long-term affair and I was clueless. I go from angry, to sad, and every once in a while see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. I do focus on my kids and keeping things normal for them. I'd like to think that someday he will regret what he has lost.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It helps to understand whats happening to you. 





Watch at 1:30secs


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

Oh, thank you. That's wonderful , I'm going to watch it a lot.




StillSearching said:


> It helps to understand whats happening to you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

He sounds like a narcissist.

I am very sorry this happened to you. I want you to know though, you will still have joy in your life even though you don't think so. Have the courage to have hope. 

If you think he was able to manipulate you then maybe you can get some counseling to make sure that doesn't happen again. Let this awful experience help make you stronger. 

Also get a kick ass lawyer and make sure you get what you are owed.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

sokillme said:


> He sounds like a narcissist.
> 
> I am very sorry this happened to you. I want you to know though, you will still have joy in your life even though you don't think so. Have the courage to have hope.
> 
> ...


This!! SO much this!!! Reread this a few times so that it will sink in @Dots. 

Your STBX sounds like a nightmare. Once your heart heals you'll realize he was never such a much in the first place. Any guy that could leave his family homeless as he walks out on them is a complete POS and doesn't deserve your love at all.

Keep coming here...you'll get lots of support. But also start some counseling. It's important.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

As you already know the only way through this mess he caused is to go through it. You will get through it and you will find joy again. Keep looking for support groups in your area because you need people around you who understand and who care. Keep posting here as well. You aren't crazy. You are same, trusting and loyal. He's a creep and you deserve better.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Dots said:


> I
> I think my biggest fear is that he would come back and be able to draw me back in. I'm rebuilding my boundaries but he always has been able to knock them down. I hope he just stays away.


Holy cow, what a story -- not paying the mortgage for a year? Ughhh. 

About this fear of yours -- think of him as an illicit substance like cocaine or heroin or donuts. If he does come back, don't let him into your system. Don't engage with him.

Good luck to you. What a nightmare but in a few months, you will realize a weight has lifted from your chest. Even broke and borderline homeless, your life is going to be gloriously stress free compared to how it has been for years living with someone messing with your mind and breaking you down that way.


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

I really appreciate everything each of you have said and I will be sure to take my time rereading everything.

I am glad I found this place. I was feeling very alone and sad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@Dots, it's very hard when you are in the middle of it, to think the pain will ever end. I remember asking friends who had gone through it, "Will I ever feel better?" They all assured me I would, but I didn't believe it. I remember thinking, well maybe for them but not for me, the pain was just too intense. 

It's really like being emotionally sick. You know when you are really sick you are just so uncomfortable and you just have to sit there and be that way. But assuming you are healing each day gets a little better and you get a little stronger. I works the same way. I am afraid you are going to have to sit in this for a little bit. 

That is exactly how this is going to work for you. But you can do things to make it easier. 

Choose to accept that somewhere along the way your husband stopped loving you and was lying to you. This was nothing you did but his failure in the relationship and in his character. Good partners talk to their spouses when there are troubles in the relationship, they don't keep secrets and then leave suddenly. This man wasn't the partner or friend you thought he was. 

Accept that you can't go back to the life you had, mourn it yes, but also start to make plans for a new life. And have courage to believe that you can have a very good one. 

When I say have courage that doesn't mean know in your heart, it may not even mean you have faith yet, it means even though you feel like it's not true act like it will be. It's acting even though you are afraid. I can't tell you how important this is. This action right here will set the tone for the rest of your life. 

You need to make every day an act of courage right now. YOU CAN DO IT! 

Look with the experience of hindsight I can tell you it does get better. I never think of the person who cheated on me except when I am on here trying to help people. I have a better life then I would have had. But damn if I didn't think my life was over at the time. And I was in my early twenties?! :banghead:

YOU WILL HAVE JOY AGAIN. You can hold me to this, but you do have to be brave.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dots, make sure you get a shark lawyer and make your STBXH pay for your kids, you, etc.. What he is doing is just flat out awful, and not worthy of any time in your head. You THOUGHT he was your best friend, but in reality, you loved the IMAGE you have of him -- that's not who he really is. Now that you see his true colors, don't let any veil be pulled over your eyes. His family are also POS's since they are enjoying helping him to make you feel bad. They are less than worthless. If they condone him cheating on his family, what does that say about them?

His karma will get him at some point. You need to detach, worry about yourself and your kids. PLEASE get a great lawyer and make sure you get protected (especially if he/they are "rubbing" it in your kids faces as well -- get copies of those texts/posts/etc. and make sure your lawyer can see them. If he has ghosted all of you, make sure you get complete custody and that he pays the full extent of child support you can get. 

If you have nobody to talk with IRL, then feel free to VENT, ask, question, etc. here. There are many folks who can help you.
Very sorry you are going through this.

STOP trying to make him look good to your kids. Be honest with them in an age-appropriate manner and let them know what he did. This is on HIM and you don't need to help protect his image with them. I'm not saying you need to bad mouth him, but your kids need to know that they have at least ONE parent who is truthful and supportive with them.


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

Thank you 'sokillme', your post had me frowning sadly, then nodding my head and... crying with sad and happy tears, laughing, smiling, and more all at the same time. 

You're right. It does feel like a sick. Like my soul feels sick and theres a hole that is dark and deep and bigger than anything imaginable.

I remember recently, during one of the down slopes of this continuous cycle of grief, exhausted and just crying, 'I am so tired from being the brave one.'
Really, I think I just needed a hug. 

'But, I have kids to take care of, raise, teach; as well as myself. So each day I put on my big girl panties, don my brave smile and keep chugging along. '

The darkness and sorrow is still there. The inside me hurts.

I know it is said it will get better. I do have faith in that. 

You say you rarely think of your ex now. That sounds nice. All I keep thinking is how deeply I love him and still do, despite the wrongs he has done to me and our children. I don't want to love him anymore. He doesn't deserve my love even if he doesn't know. 

I'm scared I'll never have the chance to love someone deeply again. I haven't even flirted with another guy in 20 years. I have no idea how the single life works. 

Not that I'm looking for a new relationship. I promised myself and silently promised my children that I will wait and heal and learn before I consider it. I just wish I could meet a few people as friends, ya know. But the ones I did try were NOT interested in being friends. 


Anyhoots, thank you. 




sokillme said:


> @Dots, it's very hard when you are in the middle of it, to think the pain will ever end. I remember asking friends who had gone through it, "Will I ever feel better?" They all assured me I would, but I didn't believe it. I remember thinking, well maybe for them but not for me, the pain was just too intense.
> 
> It's really like being emotionally sick. You know when you are really sick you are just so uncomfortable and you just have to sit there and be that way. But assuming you are healing each day gets a little better and you get a little stronger. I works the same way. I am afraid you are going to have to sit in this for a little bit.
> 
> ...


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

Thanks jlg07

I managed to get an attorney. She's not a shark though. But she was willing to help me on a low budget. I am grateful for her help, I had called over 50 attorneys before finding her. 


I didn't have to tell our children anything about what dad has done. They are teenagers and his own actions around and towards them and they know.

I just refuse to bad mouth him -in front of the kids-. The kids can speak to me about their thoughts and feelings, and they do. I just wouldn't let them bad mouth him. Not for him, for them. They will understand why one day. 

I'm asking for child support and alimony along with a few other things. 




jlg07 said:


> Dots, make sure you get a shark lawyer and make your STBXH pay for your kids, you, etc.. What he is doing is just flat out awful, and not worthy of any time in your head. You THOUGHT he was your best friend, but in reality, you loved the IMAGE you have of him -- that's not who he really is. Now that you see his true colors, don't let any veil be pulled over your eyes. His family are also POS's since they are enjoying helping him to make you feel bad. They are less than worthless. If they condone him cheating on his family, what does that say about them?
> 
> His karma will get him at some point. You need to detach, worry about yourself and your kids. PLEASE get a great lawyer and make sure you get protected (especially if he/they are "rubbing" it in your kids faces as well -- get copies of those texts/posts/etc. and make sure your lawyer can see them. If he has ghosted all of you, make sure you get complete custody and that he pays the full extent of child support you can get.
> 
> ...


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## Dots (May 17, 2019)

I promise I am reading every single post and im sorry if I miss responding to anyone. Im new here still figuring out all the functions. 

Also, typing on this tiny phone keyboard is slow and troublesome.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel like if your kids are angry and want to badmouth him and be angry that you should let them vent it out. That doesn’t mean that you have to join in and do it as well, but I think it’s important that they are safe to able to air their honest feelings. The relationship between the kids and their father is his responsibility, and they are entitled to feel whatever it is that they feel about it. But you not bad mouthing him is important, and I think it needs to be that way always with parents going through this. I did the same, eventually my daughter came to her own realizations about her dad. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dots said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I do see all of the warning signs that I ignored over the years. Many things he made my fault, made me feel bad or crazy whenever I tried to stand up for myself.
> 
> ...


Your WH sounds like a prize not! If he was up to this one yr into the marriage.
Get counselling for yourself to see why you had so little self worth you put up with this thrash in your life.
Then put your best foot forward, seek legal advice, start living for yourself and kids. How old are they?
He will soon tire of the new ****, let her have him, you are free now, to live your BEST life.

How old are you and your kids?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dots said:


> I am with you, it is a roller coaster of emotions.
> 
> I thought I was blind to years of cheating but I now see that I knew, I just convinced myself to ignore it.
> 
> ...


You must get a shark lawyer ASAP and sue his pants off for child support and alimony.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry.....I know it hurts.

But you know what? He doesn't sound like that great of a deal. In fact, try to reframe this as sympathy for his ex. She's getting a cheater piece of garbage and nobody knows that better then you.

And this garbage was your best friend? 

I know it's tough to see right now but I think he did you a favor. You are now free to heal and find a good man.

As others have said, lawyer up and get what is yours. Communicate only for the kids and keep all business between lawyers.

Repeat after me: **** him.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

Most women think they can earn a man’s appreciation by doing lots of things for him and I think thats the one reason he divorce on you.
They’ve got it backwards.
The best way to earn a man’s appreciation is to appreciate everything he does for you, no matter how little. 
It triggers his “Hero Instinct.”

The key to unlocking his undying devotion is NOT in everything you do for him…
But in how you respond to everything he does for you.
Did he just wrap his arms around you?
Give a little wiggle of contentment.
Did he agree to watch the program you wanted to see on TV?
Give him an appreciative kiss.
Reward the little things he does, and you’ll find your man striving more and more to please you.
He’s your hero.
And that’s what heroes do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh puke. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

I agree,,oh puke!!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

stefanjames said:


> Most women think they can earn a man’s appreciation by doing lots of things for him and I think thats the one reason he divorce on you.
> They’ve got it backwards.
> The best way to earn a man’s appreciation is to appreciate everything he does for you, no matter how little.
> It triggers his “Hero Instinct.”
> ...


I have my gold n retriever for that! He wags his tail, I give him a hug, he fetches the ball, I pat his head........


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How are you doing @Dots?


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