# Sex & Exclusivity



## curious2

What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


----------



## Lila

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


Why don't you ask for exclusivity if it's something that you want?


----------



## Diana7

Absolutely. I wouldn't even date a man who was dating others.


----------



## MaiChi

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely. I wouldn't even date a man who was dating others.


Same here. Its like shopping from other shopper's shopping baskets. It is legal but it is not right and all who do it know it is not right.


----------



## curious2

Well I don’t agree with not dating someone who is dating others. You date to find someone you like. That takes time aside from initial attraction.


----------



## personofinterest

curious2 said:


> Well I don’t agree with not dating someone who is dating others. You date to find someone you like. That takes time aside from initial attraction.


So do you want to sleep with someone who is also sleeping with others?


----------



## EllisRedding

I wouldn't sleep with someone that I wasn't exclusive with, but to each their own.


----------



## curious2

Sleeping with and dating are two different things ...for me.


----------



## personofinterest

curious2 said:


> Sleeping with and dating are two different things ...for me.


Me too...but we are sadly rare


----------



## curious2

YES personofinterest... that’s why I’m asking.


----------



## ConanHub

I wouldn't even date anyone that didn't have enough going for them to attract me in the first place so if they can't figure out that I deserve their exclusivity, they aren't worth my time.

I have never looked twice at someone who couldn't commit their romantic attention to me alone.

I'm not part of some buffet with a bunch of other men, hoping that some airhead will pick me.


----------



## Lila

curious2 said:


> YES personofinterest... that’s why I’m asking.


So you have sex with people without exclusivity? Just making sure I understand correctly


----------



## Lila

I multi date but I don't have sex with any of them. I can't have random sex with strangers. I have to feel vulnerable to go there and that won't happen unless I feel safe in a committed relationship.


----------



## curious2

I don’t have random sex with anyone. If I’m having a sexual relationship it’s because I really like you, feel somewhat safe and want to focus on this relationship to see where it may go.


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> I wouldn't even date anyone that didn't have enough going for them to attract me in the first place so if they can't figure out that I deserve their exclusivity, they aren't worth my time.
> 
> I have never looked twice at someone who couldn't commit their romantic attention to me alone.
> 
> I'm not part of some buffet with a bunch of other men, hoping that some airhead will pick me.


Conan you're a man of integrity but this is not how modern dating works. Exclusivity is not assumed. It's something that is discussed and agreed upon.


----------



## Lila

curious2 said:


> I don’t have random sex with anyone. If I’m having a sexual relationship it’s because I really like you, feel somewhat safe and want to focus on this relationship to see where it may go.


Thanks for clearing that up. There were some double negatives in your posts that made it seem otherwise. 

I think most people here would agree with you.


----------



## curious2

Conan... you wouldn’t look twice at someone who couldn’t commit to you and you alone... how did you know they would/could?


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

I find exclusively to be a definite prerequisite for sex. For me, I can't imagine it any other way.


----------



## 269370

*Sex &amp; Exclusivity*



ConanHub said:


> I wouldn't even date anyone that didn't have enough going for them to attract me in the first place so if they can't figure out that I deserve their exclusivity, they aren't worth my time.



This sentence literally doesn’t make any sense.
But I think I agree with the spirit of what you are trying to say. 
I also don’t get the whole multi-date/sleep thing. But it’s been a while since I dated.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> Conan you're a man of integrity but this is not how modern dating works. Exclusivity is not assumed. It's something that is discussed and agreed upon.


The thought of being with someone on Friday, knowing they'll be with someone else on Saturday is just so nauseating to me. My first serious boyfriend and I dated and slept together for 6 months and then he started seeing someone else with the intention of seeing us both. I'll give him this...at least he was honest about it. I ended things right then even though it devastated me. And since we all worked together, I had to witness them fall madly in love and get married. I learned a valuable lesson...don't assume he's being exclusive and don't date people you work with, ever. Tough lesson to learn at age 20 but I never made that mistake again.

The whole idea of dealing with this stuff again exhausts me.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Exclusivity builds trust...


----------



## ConanHub

ConanHub said:


> I wouldn't even date anyone that didn't have enough going for them to attract me in the first place so if they can't figure out that I deserve their exclusivity, they aren't worth my time.
> 
> I have never looked twice at someone who couldn't commit their romantic attention to me alone.
> 
> I'm not part of some buffet with a bunch of other men, hoping that some airhead will pick me.





Lila said:


> Conan you're a man of integrity but this is not how modern dating works. Exclusivity is not assumed. It's something that is discussed and agreed upon.


Then it is good to be a primitive barbarian. I definitely make my own rules. :grin2:

Others can set their rules and I won't criticize but I don't play by other people's rules when it comes to my life.

I just answered the OP from my personal perspective.

Everyone's life is what they make of it. I would not have risen very far above my trailer trash origins if I danced to anyone else's music.

I believe I'm worth exclusivity when it comes to romance and I act like it. 

I'm not interested in a woman who isn't quick enough to pick up on that reality before dating me.

To be clear, however, I would probably never date online so someone would have to get to know me for a while before we would go on a date anyway.

I make friends with women first.


----------



## ConanHub

*Re: Sex &amp; Exclusivity*



InMyPrime said:


> This sentence literally doesn’t make any sense.
> But I think I agree with the spirit of what you are trying to say.
> I also don’t get the whole multi-date/sleep thing. But it’s been a while since I dated.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It makes sense in algebraic.


----------



## Buddy400

curious2 said:


> Sleeping with and dating are two different things ...for me.


Just curious.

Do you date one guy without having sex with him while having sex with one or more men who you are not dating?

I could see having multiple partners with whom you sleep and date assuming your partners know and approve (with the cautions about STDs).

Some potential partners would probably not be okay with this, so it narrows your dating pool somewhat.

I'm not sure why you would date someone and not have sex with them (unless that's their choice).


----------



## ConanHub

curious2 said:


> Conan... you wouldn’t look twice at someone who couldn’t commit to you and you alone... how did you know they would/could?


If a woman is serious about me in a romantic way, she won't be dating anyone else at a minimum and will be actively engaged in working with me on our romantic journey.

For full disclosure, I burned through a lot of women in my wild youth. I didn't really want anything serious back then but I was absolutely exclusive and I was quick at figuring out if the lady I was with wanted to play the field.

I was extremely forthright and honest with everyone so it was no mystery that women who wanted to sample the man buffet need not try for a reservation at Casa de Conan.


----------



## Buddy400

curious2 said:


> I don’t have random sex with anyone. If I’m having a sexual relationship it’s because I really like you, feel somewhat safe and want to focus on this relationship to see where it may go.


So, if you're having sex in a relationship, why would sex and dating be two different things?


----------



## NextTimeAround

One problem today is that people disguise relationships as "just a friendship" when they really are dating that person. 

People have different standards for what a "date" is which can cause more confusion.


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> . To be clear, however, I would probably never date online so someone would have to get to know me for a while before we would go on a date anyway.
> 
> I make friends with women first.


It happens in real life as well as online dating and it was one of those things i had to get used to when I returned to the dating scene. Communication is key to modern dating.


----------



## Lila

NextTimeAround said:


> One problem today is that people disguise relationships as "just a friendship" when they really are dating that person.
> 
> People have different standards for what a "date" is which can cause more confusion.


People don't want "settle" so they call what is essentially a romantic relationship as a "friendship" while they keep searching. It removes the responsibility without giving up the rewards of a committed relationship.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Lila said:


> People don't want "settle" so they call what is essentially a romantic relationship as a "friendship" while they keep searching. It removes the responsibility without giving up the rewards of a committed relationship.


yes, and sadly those who don't want to be multi dated but also don't want to appear suspicious and untrusting will put up with it.


----------



## Lila

Buddy400 said:


> I'm not sure why you would date someone and not have sex with them (unless that's their choice).


I am one of those that dated without having sex. I was always honest about wanting exclusivity and commitment. Most were not interested in that so they get treated as "just friends" . They got none of the benefits of an exclusive, committed relationship which for me includes sex. We had a good time until they found someone "better". 

I am still seeing Alma Mater. I know he sees other women with whom he has sex. I don't, yet he still chooses to take me out on dates. It's a strange, strange dating world.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

It's been a lot of years since I've dated but I get hit on kind of routinely, and am always quick with a "wife story" to nip those things in the first exchanges.

If I was dating I'd have to go with:

Once a dating relationship moved into a sexual relationship it would mean I/we have gotten closer, and the relationship was now important enough and I was emotionally closer, now wanting exclusivity and if we both expressed the same, it would be good. 

Up until a relationship crossed certain closeness boundaries there wouldn't be enough pull to be exclusive in having dinner out and outings with only one person at a time, that would keep a person constantly at the whim of the other, to me.

In my younger days I dated and slept with multiple women almost constantly but that entire scenario isn't where I'd be now.


----------



## attheend02

I'm not sure it has changed all that much. Our individual approach has probably changed more as adults.

Yes - online dating has changed things a bit. Sexual mores have changed some - though I think in some ways for the better.

I've always been an exclusive dater - never liked plate spinning much.

I've had friends 30 years ago that were non-exclusive. FWB existed, but wasn't labeled as such.

There is a difference between exclusivity and commitment. I can't commit to a forever relationship after 3 dates, but I believe in exclusivity once the relationship becomes sexual.


----------



## curious2

@Buddy400 no I don’t date a guy and have sex with someone else or date and have sex with multiples at the same time. Please ignore my comment about dating and sex being different things that’s not really what I meant. Dating leads to sex if things are going well. I also agree with the poster who said exclusivity doesn’t necessarily mean commitment when the relationship is new and you are still getting to know each other. For me when a relationship becomes sexual I don’t date or have sex with anyone else and want the same in return but I don’t have “the talk” because I don’t want to make things too “heavy” and just go with the flow. I think but maybe I’m wrong if a woman brings up being exclusive prior to having sex a lot of men would equate that with commitment and possibly pressure. Just wondered what others think and how they handle it if sex and exclusivity is important to them.


----------



## Lila

attheend02 said:


> *I'm not sure it has changed all that much. * Our individual approach has probably changed more as adults.
> 
> Yes - online dating has changed things a bit. Sexual mores have changed some - though I think in some ways for the better.
> 
> I've always been an exclusive dater - never liked plate spinning much.
> 
> I've had friends 30 years ago that were non-exclusive. FWB existed, but wasn't labeled as such.
> 
> There is a difference between exclusivity and commitment. I can't commit to a forever relationship after 3 dates, *but I believe in exclusivity once the relationship becomes sexual.*


The things that haven't changed have just become more ramped up. You gave a good example with the FWB. 

The thing that has changed is the lack of commitment. Where once becoming exclusively sexual was typically a designation of commitment (boyfriend/girlfriend) now it may mean consistent FB, FWB, monogamously sexual but still multi dating nonsexually, casually dating until something better comes along.


----------



## Laurentium

attheend02 said:


> There is a difference between exclusivity and commitment. I can't commit to a forever relationship after 3 dates, but I believe in exclusivity once the relationship becomes sexual.


Absolutely. And "commitment" in that sense is an ever-evolving thing, a gradually growing level of commitment.


----------



## Lila

curious2 said:


> @Buddy400 no I don’t date a guy and have sex with someone else or date and have sex with multiples at the same time. Please ignore my comment about dating and sex being different things that’s not really what I meant. Dating leads to sex if things are going well. I also agree with the poster who said exclusivity doesn’t necessarily mean commitment when the relationship is new and you are still getting to know each other. *For me when a relationship becomes sexual I don’t date or have sex with anyone else and want the same in return but I don’t have “the talk” because I don’t want to make things too “heavy” and just go with the flow. I think but maybe I’m wrong if a woman brings up being exclusive prior to having sex a lot of men would equate that with commitment and possibly pressure. *Just wondered what others think and how they handle it if sex and exclusivity is important to them.


That makes no sense whatsoever. If you think you are going to scare away a guy by voicing your desires then he wasn't the right guy for you. The goal is to find someone who shares your expectations for whatever kind of relationship you wish to enter into. It is not to get strung along or hope you can change his mind.


----------



## EllisRedding

Lila said:


> I am still seeing Alma Mater. I know he sees other women with whom he has sex. I don't, yet he still chooses to take me out on dates. It's a strange, strange dating world.


IDK, isn't that kind of icky? You go out on a date with a guy who may have just banged some chick right beforehand


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

I guess I'd be a plate spinner now, still, unless one turned into a closer relationship unexpectedly, then it would taper quickly. 

That's the reason for "dating", no?

But a caveat is, I've always liked going out by myself having the freedom to take the day or night as it comes, with whoever I meet. 

Like dancing. I'd prefer going out alone, not bound to a table or date, unless it's a 2nd or 3rd date, and I knew she could dance. 

And, if I knew she could dance "close", not necessarily a slow dance. But dancing isn't twerking; there should be a lot of body contact in good taste, at the hips, and kissing. 

Going out on a date is itself physical, with lots of leaning into each other and on each other, touching. 

Having these things make the choice of being "exclusive" not a choice "made" but natural progression occurring. 

That's a big difference to me.


----------



## personofinterest

Buddy400 said:


> So, if you're having sex in a relationship, why would sex and dating be two different things?


For me, and maybe this has gone by the wayside for all the hip 2019 people....

Dating means I am spending time with someone. At some point, while dating, there will likely be physical intimacy. But it won't be on the first date. Probably not even the third date (which means most of the men on TAM wouldn't date me lol).

So having a couple dinners or walks in the park doesn't necessarily equal sex, but it may equal dating.

Then, of course, there are those people who STILL save their bodies and sexual experience for the person with whom they spend their lives. They DO still exist and have happy marriages with lots of sex. Obviously they date BEFORE marrying.


----------



## curious2

@Lila when things become sexual it is because it feels like the right time to me and I feel fairly certain I’m the only one but I don’t really know - it’s an assumption one that I’m well aware could be false. It’s possible I could be strung along I guess but I’m definitely not trying to change anyone’s mind. In fact it’s the opposite. I want the guy to choose for himself. I prefer the man to bring up exclusivity.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

EllisRedding said:


> IDK, isn't that kind of icky? You go out on a date with a guy who may have just banged some chick right beforehand


But a good guy never kisses and tells, unless she's a real friend in this case who happens to be female and close friends, and she's asking conversationally, how would she know?

Then, if indeed they're close friends, why should she care?

Who hasn't taken one woman out during the day, and a different one at night, if both aren't being slept with?

I get I may be a little less hung up on the sex thing, but if one is tactful, courteous, kind, considerate to the women in his life, why does it matter? Or I could be wrong in some aspects, I'm certainly not immune to that concept. 

When it's time to be exclusive it will flow naturally. 

Have faith in that and all well be well.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


This is my preference. I have made very few exceptions, and when I did, it was my free choice, no one pressured me. I am relationship oriented, I dont like the idea of sleeping with someone who may be doing so with others.


----------



## attheend02

Lila said:


> That makes no sense whatsoever. If you think you are going to scare away a guy by voicing your desires then he wasn't the right guy for you. The goal is to find someone who shares your expectations for whatever kind of relationship you wish to enter into. It is not to get strung along or hope you can change his mind.



I don't know... Romance is as much the unstated as the stated. I don't have a problem with discussion before having sex, but I don't think all cards need to be laid out initially. I'd like to come to the realization that I want to have sex with a person before getting to the mechanics discussion.


----------



## curious2

I would like to hear more from men- no offense ladies I want your thoughts as well but as a man if you are dating a woman who states she wants to be exclusive before having sex how do you receive that? What’s your perception?


----------



## EllisRedding

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But a good guy never kisses and tells, unless she's a real friend in this case who happens to be female and close friends, and she's asking conversationally, how would she know?
> 
> Then, if indeed they're close friends, why should she care?
> 
> Who hasn't taken one woman out during the day, and a different one at night, if both aren't being slept with?
> 
> I get I may be a little less hung up on the sex thing, but if one is tactful, courteous, kind, considerate to the women in his life, why does it matter? Or I could be wrong in some aspects, I'm certainly not immune to that concept.
> 
> When it's time to be exclusive it will flow naturally.
> 
> Have faith in that and all well be well.


Honestly, I am not sure I follow your post as a reply to mine. For me it is very simple, I would never date someone while I was sleeping with someone else. Likewise (and I understand there is no way I could 100% know this is true), I would make it clear if someone wants to date me it would be exclusive (if you don't like that idea, than don't date me).

I guess I just find the idea that you are possibly kissing someone who just had her mouth on someone elses **** hours before rather offputting.


----------



## EllisRedding

curious2 said:


> I would like to hear more from men- no offense ladies I want your thoughts as well but as a man if you are *dating a woman who states she wants to be exclusive before having sex* how do you receive that? What’s your perception?


Per the bolded, that would be my expectation as well, so just on that basis alone, that would make the woman a good match to start


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> I am still seeing Alma Mater. I know he sees other women with whom he has sex. I don't, yet he still chooses to take me out on dates. It's a strange, strange dating world.


Honestly I am surprised you are ok with that, Lila.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

If there's that strong pull for that person, before sex, and because this means other characteristics have matched up, I'd say yes, and take the sex step.

That said, saying yes is fine, but if things don't stay on the good path as time goes on (even a short time), it would lead to a friendly (on my part for sure) break up anyway.

It's a risk for both, anyway, once vulnerability and emotions are shown. 

Humans can be messy creatures.


----------



## curious2

“That said, saying yes is fine, but if things don't stay on the good path as time goes on (even a short time), it would lead to a friendly (on my part for sure) break up anyway.”

Of course.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

@ellis Redding , 

I get what your saying and I don't disagree. 

But I didn't think twice about having a kissing relationship with multiple women at a time, and unless we had an understanding, I couldn't know they didn't go out on other dates themselves, so I might as well.

When with me, I always believed it was up to me to make sure they were thinking of me, even if during the week they weren't. 

That they always had a great time with me, and they looked good doing it, which was a confidence builder for them. I was always about building every woman up, no negative comments here.

Not necessarily all about sex, although that was a tool in the tool bag, so to speak.

When I heard a woman telling her friends what a great time we had, my work was done.

And it's interesting. If a woman wanted to be treated like a well to do hottie, I wined and dined her

If she wanted to be treated like a hooker while she was all dressed up and we were out and about, I treated her accordingly. 

Each woman has a desire to be treated a certain way, and if I gave that to her, it was a win win. 

I truly love the wildly varying women one woman can be; meek, mild, aggressive, sexual animal, softly sexual, controlling, wanting to be controlled, mean, kind, and more.

What she did during the time we weren't together I had no real control, so why stress myself out worrying?


----------



## Buddy400

curious2 said:


> @Buddy400 no I don’t date a guy and have sex with someone else or date and have sex with multiples at the same time. Please ignore my comment about dating and sex being different things that’s not really what I meant. Dating leads to sex if things are going well. I also agree with the poster who said exclusivity doesn’t necessarily mean commitment when the relationship is new and you are still getting to know each other. For me when a relationship becomes sexual I don’t date or have sex with anyone else and want the same in return but I don’t have “the talk” because I don’t want to make things too “heavy” and just go with the flow. *I think but maybe I’m wrong if a woman brings up being exclusive prior to having sex a lot of men would equate that with commitment and possibly pressure. Just wondered what others think and how they handle it if sex and exclusivity is important to them.*


Well, they might, but it's got to be done I'd think.

As long as you make clear that it's just that you only want them to be having sex with you and not that they're agreeing to marry you or anything, it shouldn't be that big of a problem.


----------



## Buddy400

personofinterest said:


> For me, and maybe this has gone by the wayside for all the hip 2019 people....
> 
> Dating means I am spending time with someone. At some point, while dating, there will likely be physical intimacy. But it won't be on the first date. Probably not even the third date (which means most of the men on TAM wouldn't date me lol).
> 
> So having a couple dinners or walks in the park doesn't necessarily equal sex, but it may equal dating.
> 
> Then, of course, there are those people who STILL save their bodies and sexual experience for the person with whom they spend their lives. They DO still exist and have happy marriages with lots of sex. Obviously they date BEFORE marrying.


Ah! So dating doesn't automatically mean sex.

I thought that you and @curious2 might be saying that sex didn't automatically mean dating.

So, sex is sort of "advanced dating".


----------



## MovingForward

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


In an ideal world i think you should, i personally would not want to be sharing a sexual partner. 

I have know girls though who have guys they date and guys they sleep with, some of these girls will not sleep with a 'dateable' guy right away but will be having sex someone else while 'waiting' since they do not want to appear too easy to a guy they want a relationship with


----------



## Buddy400

Lila said:


> I am one of those that dated without having sex. I was always honest about wanting exclusivity and commitment. Most were not interested in that so they get treated as "just friends" . They got none of the benefits of an exclusive, committed relationship which for me includes sex. We had a good time until they found someone "better".
> 
> I am still seeing Alma Mater. I know he sees other women with whom he has sex. I don't, yet he still chooses to take me out on dates. It's a strange, strange dating world.





EllisRedding said:


> IDK, isn't that kind of icky? You go out on a date with a guy who may have just banged some chick right beforehand





3Xnocharm said:


> Honestly I am surprised you are ok with that, Lila.


Lila's choice seems reasonable to me.

Lila shouldn't have sex before she wants to. Let's say it might take 6 months. If she meets Alma Mater (who currently has sex with other women), asking him to go 6 months without sex on the possibility that Lila will have sex with him eventually seems like a big ask.

For him, this gives him a chance to see if Lila is the "right" woman for him. 

I would think that if exclusivity was asked for without sex coming along with it, that would limit the number of people willing to be exclusive.


----------



## EllisRedding

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What she did during the time we weren't together I had no real control, so why stress myself out worrying?


Well, STDs for one :wink2:


----------



## EllisRedding

Buddy400 said:


> I would think that if exclusivity was asked for without sex coming along with it, that would limit the number of people willing to be exclusive.


Nothing wrong with that though. Does help narrow down being with someone who is compatible with you.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

EllisRedding said:


> Well, STDs for one :wink2:


And a very real concern!!😎😎😎 

But common sense and protection was a habit 😁😁😁


----------



## ConanHub

curious2 said:


> I would like to hear more from men- no offense ladies I want your thoughts as well but as a man if you are dating a woman who states she wants to be exclusive before having sex how do you receive that? What’s your perception?


I would assure her that was my values and what I expected as well.

I would have probably already felt her out about her values and beliefs before even dating.


----------



## Lila

EllisRedding said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am still seeing Alma Mater. I know he sees other women with whom he has sex. I don't, yet he still chooses to take me out on dates. It's a strange, strange dating world.
> 
> 
> 
> IDK, isn't that kind of icky? You go out on a date with a guy who may have just banged some chick right beforehand
Click to expand...

Why not. I'm not ****ing him. 

Honestly, it is no different than dating anyone else. They are probably dating/banging other people as well. It's modern dating.


----------



## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am still seeing Alma Mater. I know he sees other women with whom he has sex. I don't, yet he still chooses to take me out on dates. It's a strange, strange dating world.
> 
> 
> 
> Honestly I am surprised you are ok with that, Lila.
Click to expand...

Why are you surprised? I don't sleep with him. I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lila said:


> Why not. I'm not ****ing him.
> 
> Honestly, it is no different than dating anyone else. They are probably dating/banging other people as well. It's modern dating.


And this is a great answer!

Anytime one adult has sex with another, it's a given you're kissing and loving parts of her/him that has at some point had her/his lips on another's "happy place" 😉😉.

And could have been last week.

Look how often the "just found out she had high 50s number of partners before me" topic is explored in TAM.

For her/him, same.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lila said:


> Why are you surprised? I don't sleep with him. I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him.


And she has a great time. 

"I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him."

Why not have a dinner "date" with him?


----------



## curious2

The majority of men answering have been married for many years. Dating is different today. Things have really changed. Even what is considered a real date- Netflix n chill for instance.


----------



## personofinterest

Lila said:


> Why are you surprised? I don't sleep with him. I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him.


If you are just friends then you aren't dating.....


----------



## EllisRedding

Lila said:


> Why not. I'm not ****ing him.
> 
> Honestly, it is no different than dating anyone else. They are probably dating/banging other people as well. It's modern dating.


Well, TBH if that is how dating is now, I am definitely glad to not be out there. I have to have some faith that there are people out there who taking exclusivity a little more serious, well beyond casual sex.


----------



## personofinterest

curious2 said:


> The majority of men answering have been married for many years. Dating is different today. Things have really changed. Even what is considered a real date- Netflix n chill for instance.


So what exactly are you looking for? You don't want women. You dismiss married men. I mean....what do you want?


----------



## Lila

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why are you surprised? I don't sleep with him. I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him.
> 
> 
> 
> And she has a great time.
> 
> "I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him."
> 
> ]B]Why not have a dinner "date" with him?[/b]
Click to expand...

I've had plenty of dinner dates with him. He's a foodie and enjoys taking me to good restaurants for dinner. He's also taken me to the theater and an art gallery show.


----------



## curious2

I’m not dismissing anyone. I welcome all opinions. I just wanted to hear men’s views who are or recently have been part of the current dating scene.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

curious2 said:


> I would like to hear more from men- no offense ladies I want your thoughts as well but as a man if you are dating a woman who states she wants to be exclusive before having sex how do you receive that? What’s your perception?


When I was finalizing my divorce I stated I just wanted to be a "great date", that meant no sex.

Reason for that was simple, I felt "disposable" and wanted understanding without resentment or anger and that was not something that was going to happen well with sex in the way, yet friendship (dating) was without fear because sex *was* out of the way of building something less superficial and not driven by what could be a fleeting emotion.

When I trusted the process, I took the time to understand why and my first thought following that was... ok, now how do I separate the wheat from the chaff?

Trusted friendship led to trusted vulnerability, and trusted vulnerability led to trusted love and caring, and that led to exclusivity.

Because @Affaircare's values matched mine in setting exclusivity as a must in our trusted learning about another... the process worked well.


----------



## Lila

personofinterest said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why are you surprised? I don't sleep with him. I know we're just friends who enjoy each other's company. He treats me well when we do go out which because of our schedules is every other week which is part of the reason why I don't want anything serious with him.
> 
> 
> 
> If you are just friends then you aren't dating.....
Click to expand...

Maybe. I do wish I had more male friends like him. He has great tastes in dining and entertainment AND he pays for it all.


----------



## NextTimeAround

curious2 said:


> The majority of men answering have been married for many years. Dating is different today. Things have really changed. Even what is considered a real date- Netflix n chill for instance.


I don't think men have changed much at all when it comes to dating. They may take advantage of the new habits like letting a woman pay for the date, accepting sex when it's offered; but when they are interested, they will step up to the plate.

So a woman who dates a guy who insists on 50/50; including when they move in together (some guys may dress it up as a relationship to get his mortgage paid down faster.) 

And there are women who will put up with their bf's inappropriate friendships with other women just to appear all confident, you know.

When I came to the conclusion that if my now husband were to continue going out with so called friend, then our relationship would not be any better than an FWB. IMO, an FWB is the relationship you have when you desire closeness and sex and have the time, but you don't see a future with that person. IF I'm in that kind of relationship, then i need to know so that I am not turning down date offers with other men. 

So I had a talk with my future husband. I knew that if he wanted to continue some kind of relationship with that woman, a lot would go on that I would not know about. I already knew that when he saw her he was spending more money on her that he would when going out with me. I also knew that she was giving advice about our relationship. 

The safest thing to do for my peace of mind was to give him these 2 choices: 1. He could keep her as a friend and I would start dating other men. OR 2. He could dump her and the two of us would be exclusive to one another ..... and all that that entailed. I certainly didn't want to "front" it as the main girlfriend ie. Changing my schedule to suit the visit of his parents or something like that. 

IOW, I felt like his so called friend was getting the mistress treatment. She would summon him when she had time. After all, she had a boyfriend of her own. I asked him if he was friends with her bf and he said he didn't care. Strange. they did take a trip together 3 months after we started dating. He said that the bf picked them up at the airport and gave him a ride home. And then he says "I wonder how he puts up with it." I missed my opportunity to say "Well, if you bought into the friendship belief, why shouldn't he?"



> Even what is considered a real date- Netflix n chill for instance.


No, a real date is dinner and theater. It's wise not to go to a guy's place until you are already to have sex with him.


----------



## Lila

EllisRedding said:


> Well, TBH if that is how dating is now, I am definitely glad to not be out there. I have to have some faith that there are people out there who taking exclusivity a little more serious, well beyond casual sex.


Trust me. I would NEVER purposefully choose to be dating again.


----------



## Laurentium

Lila said:


> Maybe. I do wish I had more male friends like him. He has great tastes in dining and entertainment AND he pays for it all.


But are you not concerned that any other "quality" man, seeing this arrangement, would stay well away from you?


----------



## EllisRedding

Lila said:


> Trust me. I would NEVER purposefully choose to be dating again.


Oh I know that, and please don't take what I said as a knock on you. However, I still find it hard to believe that basically everyone on the dating scene now is all about casual sex (which is what it sounds like on this thread). I am not saying that it isn't easier to have casual hookups thanks to social media, but I would bet there are a lot more people out there like you (maybe just harder to find?)


----------



## NextTimeAround

Lila said:


> Maybe. I do wish I had more male friends like him. He has great tastes in dining and entertainment AND he pays for it all.


I hope that he hes not convinced any woman that she is his gf. I would not put up with his having the arrangement that you are describing.


----------



## ConanHub

curious2 said:


> The majority of men answering have been married for many years. Dating is different today. Things have really changed. Even what is considered a real date- Netflix n chill for instance.


The more things change, the more people stay the same.

I'm the real deal and always will be regardless of how many behave like juveniles.

That easily puts me way ahead of anyone playing games.

You can choose your dating reality and enforce it.


----------



## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe. I do wish I had more male friends like him. He has great tastes in dining and entertainment AND he pays for it all.
> 
> 
> 
> But are you not concerned that any other "quality" man, seeing this arrangement, would stay well away from you?
Click to expand...

Another "quality" man would hopefully make his intentions known. If not then I will continue to assume they too are seeing other people.


----------



## Lila

NextTimeAround said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe. I do wish I had more male friends like him. He has great tastes in dining and entertainment AND he pays for it all.
> 
> 
> 
> I hope that he hes not convinced any woman that she is his gf. I would not put up with his having the arrangement that you are describing.
Click to expand...


I hope he hasn't either.


----------



## Lila

EllisRedding said:


> Oh I know that, and please don't take what I said as a knock on you. However, I still find it hard to believe that basically everyone on the dating scene now is all about casual sex (which is what it sounds like on this thread). I am not saying that it isn't easier to have casual hookups thanks to social media, but I would bet there are a lot more people out there like you (maybe just harder to find?)



Not saying that it's ALL about casual sex today but modern dating operates on the premise that options are endless and that one can always do better. As such people end up in one short term "exclusive" relationship (average a month to 6 weeks) to the next to the next. Some choose to skip the "relationship" part all together and just stick with the casual part. 

I know there are commitment minded men out there however thereare more women looking for these types of relationships than men. The guys have the advantage; they get the pick of the litter. The rest of us have to decide whether to continue playing the dating game or quit.


----------



## curious2

Having options is a good thing. I think men and women when they find someone they really like can and do become exclusive.... obviously...Maybe it lasts 6 months or less. It didn’t work no harm no fowl. I also think Lila has a point in that some men and women will keep a “place holder” around. Someone to meet certain needs for now with no intent on anything long term. Nobody wants to be that person.


----------



## curious2

Maybe I’ve answered my own question and just feeling the need to ask it says it all. For the record, I’m taking a break from dating.


----------



## curious2

Sometimes I wonder if it’s me and if my expectations are too high


----------



## curious2

I fluctuate back and forth- are they too high or are they too low.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

curious2 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if it’s me and if my expectations are too high


You're expectations may narrow your playing field, but don't ever think they're "too high."


----------



## Diana7

Lila said:


> Conan you're a man of integrity but this is not how modern dating works. Exclusivity is not assumed. It's something that is discussed and agreed upon.


It is for many people.


----------



## Diana7

curious2 said:


> Sometimes I wonder if it’s me and if my expectations are too high


Never lower your expectations. Never settle for second best. 

Mine were very high. Many may have said that I would never find a man like that, even in Christian circles. I did. I wasn't prepared to compromise.


----------



## MovingForward

curious2 said:


> I would like to hear more from men- no offense ladies I want your thoughts as well but as a man if you are dating a woman who states she wants to be exclusive before having sex how do you receive that? What’s your perception?


I was married a long time before i went back on the dating scene so this could make my opinion less valid than the current guys on the dating scene but for me it would take 2 courses,

1) If I liked you then it would make me very happy and feel like sex is more special as in, you don't just sleep around with any guy so i must be somewhat special

2) If I was half interested or just looking for sex i would probably end things or keep things more casual while seeing other people and hit you up from time to time to see if you changed your mind about just having sex and seeing how thing go :smile2:


----------



## curious2

@moving forward thank you. I appreciate your honesty.


----------



## Personal

I've been out of the non exclusive dating world for over 22 years. Yet what some claim is the new way of dating, looks a lot like my experience of dating as an adult from the late 1980s through the mid-late 1990s.

I have had been in friend with benefits relationships, before I knew there was a term for it. My dates sometimes paid for me, especially when they were the ones asking me out. While others who I dated, went halves or paid for themselves just as readily as I paid for a date.

When my wife and I (we've been married for almost 20 years) started dating (she asked me out), there was no exclusivity. We had no plans for the long haul with each other.

She was in a sexual relationship with another man (whom she had lost her virginity with) who had a girlfriend. While I was going on dates with other women and having sex with one of them. We also had sex on the third date, which was video and chill. Our first two dates were lunchtime, followed by continuing that date in the evening where I slept with her yet didn't go all the way.

So when we started she was just another woman I was dating at the time.

I've casually had sex with some women during an evening and then followed it by sex with other women on a date a few hours or a day later. I've never presumed exclusivity until it has been brought up. 

In recently discussing such things with my wife, if we both decided to end our relationship. We both think we would readily have sex with others, anywhere from the first date onwards going forward. At our age (she's close to 49, I'm close to 48), we don't see what the big deal is about waiting for sex.

We don't want to have sex with everybody, yet we don't think sex is sacred in any way at all.

My wife says she is happy to go early, because she likes sex, because it's fun to do. She doesn't see any reason why she ought to artificially remain chaste, when she's been there and done that thousands of times (sideways to).

Plus people have different outlooks, so presuming things may lead to a surprise if one has boundaries that they don't address. For example I presumed when my wife and I were engaged, that she would have issue if I had sex with others.

Yet on telling her that one of my new housemates, had just asked me to have sex with her and was a bit pissed I turned her down because we're engaged. My wife said she was okay if I had sex with her, since we weren't married. Then went on to explain, that she was happy just having sex with me yet she didn't mind if I went elsewhere as well (which I didn't).

For some men and women sexual exclusivity isn't a big deal and for some others it is, yet this anything goes way of dating isn't new at all and there are examples of it going back to previous centuries as well (think of the Libertines).

Our take is before we invest ourselves too far emotionally into a new sexual relationship, we want to know if we have sexual compatibility first. So sex early works for us, so if sex doesn't work for us we can readily dump them before we get too attached.

In my experience, everyone I have had sex with has been within minutes through hours of meeting them, or through the first few dates at the most. I've dated some women I haven't had sex with, yet it didn't take long for me to let them go, when I always had other women who wanted to have sex.

With respect to emotional investment, if I'm not happy, not getting on, am bored, feel like it's a drag, on and on etc. I have never had any hesitation ending any sexual relationship short or long (including one marriage). Since I don't see any value, in maintaining sexual relationships that are steeped in resentment and hostility.

My wife and I both appreciate that not everyone shares our outlook, yet plenty do. So we're not afraid of scarcity, if we get out there again. That said people like my wife and I and others who are more laissez faire than us, may be quite off-putting for others who are not like us. At the end of the day though, it usually doesn't take that long to figure out compatibility.

For us, our relationship like any other, is just a continuation of doing what we enjoy together. When we started, we liked each others company and had fun sharing sex together. So with that being the case we are simply carrying on together, until we no longer like each others company and don't like sharing sex together or one of us is dead.

At the end of the day when it comes to dating, I think people would do well to not presume anything. Do what they want to do as long as it's consenting, and be direct about what they want and don't want. Plus try to enjoy themselves, be true to themselves and let people go if they aren't fun to be with.


----------



## ConanHub

While I have different boundaries about exclusivity than @Personal I absolutely agree with his perspective on it not being that different in the 80's and 90's as opposed to today regardless of technological advances.


----------



## NextTimeAround

ConanHub said:


> While I have different boundaries about exclusivity than @Personal I absolutely agree with his perspective on it not being that different in the 80's and 90's as opposed to today regardless of technological advances.


I like seeing the similarities between the Digital and the Pre-Digital ages.

For example, in the pre digital, i could tell a guy was interested in me because people told me he was asking about me.

In the digital now, people just google one another.

I'm sure the accuracy of either method of research is about the same.


----------



## Lila

attheend02 said:


> I don't know... Romance is as much the unstated as the stated. I don't have a problem with discussion before having sex, but I don't think all cards need to be laid out initially. I'd like to come to the realization that I want to have sex with a person before getting to the mechanics discussion.


 @attheend02 I just saw this post (i usually don't see quotes when using my phone). I agree with you in that timing for the exclusivity discussion is important. In my case, it has come naturally when the men I have dated have wanted sex. 

On your point about romance.......man as much as it pains me to say this it has been my experience that the art of romance in modern dating is a dying thing. Lust is thriving. Romance....not so much.


----------



## Lila

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And this is a great answer!
> 
> *Anytime one adult has sex with another, it's a given you're kissing and loving parts of her/him that has at some point had her/his lips on another's "happy place" *😉😉.
> 
> And could have been last week.
> 
> Look how often the "just found out she had high 50s number of partners before me" topic is explored in TAM.
> 
> For her/him, same.


It's possible that I feel this way because I haven't let myself get emotionally connected to anyone since my divorce. I'm sure I will feel differently when I do but I also hope that I will have had the discussion of exclusivity by then. Until that time comes, I have to function off the premise that my dates are dating other people. Enjoy them while they are with me and forget about them when they are not.


----------



## NobodySpecial

I, personally, would not choose exclusivity unless and until sexual compatibility was established. But that is me.


----------



## curious2

I guess I’m lucky in that I’ve never had a problem
in that area. If it turned out I wasn’t compatible sexually with someone new we would break up. Being exclusive prior to sex and then finding that we weren’t compatible wouldn’t be a big deal to me. Sex could be great and we may break up for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with sex at anytime. Deciding to be exclusive with someone new for me means- I like you and want to focus on you alone, spend time getting to know each other better and see where things go. That’s basically as far as any “commitment” goes.


----------



## personofinterest

ConanHub said:


> While I have different boundaries about exclusivity than @Personal I absolutely agree with his perspective on it not being that different in the 80's and 90's as opposed to today regardless of technological advances.


Exactly, There really is nothing new under the sun. I mean look at past history - mistresses, concubines, bath houses, lol....

I always laugh when people use "It's 2019" as some justification for treating sex like ordering a pizza. 

It's not about what year it is, it is about one's self and chosen values. And no, that isn't a moral judgement. It just is what it is. A person who has sex on every first date DOES have different values regarding sex from someone who waits for a serious relationship.


----------



## NobodySpecial

personofinterest said:


> Exactly, There really is nothing new under the sun. I mean look at past history - mistresses, concubines, bath houses, lol....
> 
> I always laugh when people use "It's 2019" as some justification for treating sex like ordering a pizza.
> 
> It's not about what year it is, it is about one's self and chosen values. And no, that isn't a moral judgement. It just is what it is. A person who has sex on every first date DOES have different values regarding sex from someone who waits for a serious relationship.


Or does not impose values on sexuality. Some of us don't want or need "justification". (Aka not a judgement my lily white butt cheeks.)


----------



## personofinterest

NobodySpecial said:


> Or does not impose values on sexuality. Some of us don't want or need "justification". (Aka not a judgement my lily white butt cheeks.)


So I read that as "not a judgment ON my lily white butt cheeks," and I was highly confused as to why the color of your butt cheeks was an issue. I think I've been technologying too long today. The screen is starting to blur....


----------



## attheend02

NobodySpecial said:


> Or does not impose values on sexuality. Some of us don't want or need "justification". (Aka not a judgement my lily white butt cheeks.)


That's interesting... I'm not sure I've thought about it from that perspective.

Sexuality is such a core indicator of most people's interpretation of values it is hard to envision otherwise.


----------



## NobodySpecial

attheend02 said:


> That's interesting... I'm not sure I've thought about it from that perspective.
> 
> Sexuality is such a core indicator of most people's interpretation of values it is hard to envision otherwise.


Not sure why. I think "values" are often the rules people use to stay safe and healthy. But one can get there by understanding emotional and physical safety rather than through the coded rules. My opinion.


----------



## attheend02

NobodySpecial said:


> Not sure why. I think "values" are often the rules people use to stay safe and healthy. But one can get there by understanding emotional and physical safety rather than through the coded rules. My opinion.


I tend to connote values with morality. Sexuality and morality are typically tightly coupled.

I am not making a judgement... just thinking about it.


----------



## NobodySpecial

attheend02 said:


> I tend to connote values with morality. Sexuality and morality are typically tightly coupled.


Yup. And for the life of me I cannot understand why.


----------



## Married but Happy

I don't think I've ever established exclusivity before having a sexual relationship with someone (or vice versa) - I do form my own opinion on their responsibility and integrity before sex, however, and use common sense and common protection. I think exclusivity will become the norm if the relationship is going well, but also feel that sexual compatibility must be established before making a commitment.


----------



## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> Never lower your expectations. Never settle for second best.
> 
> Mine were very high. Many may have said that I would never find a man like that, even in Christian circles. I did. I wasn't prepared to compromise.


I don't know, I can only speculate...

You are either very pretty or were finally lucky, this late in life.
Likely both.

Being, meeting the right person at the right time...
Yes, that.

Patience can reward those who have it, but not always.

Plus, many women pass up a good man for the wrong reasons.





[THM]- Lilith


----------



## SunCMars

Married but Happy said:


> I don't think I've ever established exclusivity before having a sexual relationship with someone (or vice versa) - I do form my own opinion on their responsibility and integrity before sex, however, and use common sense and common protection. I think exclusivity will become the norm if the relationship is going well, but also feel that sexual compatibility must be established before making a commitment.


This makes no sense to me.

Why say that you cannot determine a new partners sexual compatibility and do so while remaining exclusive?

One at a time, exclusive, this....if you must go to the well and sample the water, often.





[THM]- The Typist I


----------



## personofinterest

SunCMars said:


> This makes no sense to me.
> 
> Why say that you cannot determine a new partners sexual compatibility and do so while remaining exclusive?
> 
> One at a time, exclusive, this....if you must go to the well and sample the water, often.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- The Typist I


Yeah I don't get it either. Can you not determine this fairly easy while NOT sleeping with 3 or 4 other people?????


----------



## Diana7

attheend02 said:


> I tend to connote values with morality. Sexuality and morality are typically tightly coupled.
> 
> I am not making a judgement... just thinking about it.


I see sexuality and morality as being very close. Sexual moral values are very important to me both for myself and for any man I am with. This does highly restrict the number of men available, but its well worth it.


----------



## Diana7

SunCMars said:


> I don't know, I can only speculate...
> 
> You are either very pretty or were finally lucky, this late in life.
> Likely both.
> 
> Being, meeting the right person at the right time...
> Yes, that.
> 
> Patience can reward those who have it, but not always.
> 
> Plus, many women pass up a good man for the wrong reasons.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- Lilith


Well I believe that God played a big part in it. :smile2:


----------



## curious2

I have what feels right to me sexually, those are my values I don’t equate that with morality and what feels right to others. Morality goes deeper. Right and wrong regardless of what feels right to any individual. rape- that’s immoral.


----------



## CraigBesuden

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.



If I were single, yes. I would DTR (define the relationship) as exclusive before sex. Probably around the third or fourth date.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

If I was single again, I'd likely not agree to exclusivity after 3 or 4 dates, even if having sexual relations. 

Didn't before, and that would defeat the reasons for dating in general. 

Although one can never say never.


----------



## JBTX

Sex without exclusivity is uncomfortable. In order for me to enjoy sex I have to be able to let loose and not worry. That is something you cannot have without also having exclusivity IMO. If the chemistry is there the topic of exclusivity will probably come up very naturally. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


*As I'm quasi-old fashioned, I've got to develop some mutual rapport with and feelings for the woman before I'd ever give due consideration to getting intimate with her. 

And that should always be a two-way street!

Because the way I see it, if she doesn't really want to be with me, I sure as hell don't want to be with her! *


----------



## moon7

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


Its good to be u front. To have this first boundary already, instead of wasting your time with somebody who doesnt care about you or tainting the start of a nice relationship with the lack of boundaries. Its like minimal and chances of something florishing without this boundary are dim.


----------



## moon7

arbitrator said:


> *
> 
> Because the way I see it, if she doesn't really want to be with me, I sure as hell don't want to be with her! *


It is actually as simple as that. 

We are all afraid to establish what we want and accept upfront because we are afraid that the other person wont accept this/us, but, actually, if he doesnt accept those basic boundaries it means he doesnt care about me and by refusing my boundaries he is actually doing me a favor of knowing i should not waste my time with him. 

I should actually thank him if he is upfront and true about this.


----------



## 335289

curious2 said:


> What are your thoughts on establishing exclusivity prior to having sex with a new partner? Is it something you do? Why or why not? Personally it’s not something I typically do but I also do not want to be having sex with someone who is having sex with others and was wondering what others thoughts are on this.


Would I buy a car without taking it for a test drive? My ex was a virgin when we married, and she lost interest in sex quickly. After a 25 year clinically sexless marriage I am out, and, guess what! The problem was never me. 

I am in my first polysexual relationship, and more in love than I have ever been with my girlfriend and primary partner. I have trust issues, but not with her. I'm much happier in an honest open relationship than I was in a monogamous relationship with someone that lied and misled me for so long. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Mr.Married

IronHamster said:


> I'm much happier in an honest open relationship than I was in a monogamous relationship with someone that lied and misled me for so long.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk



At least you got out with your beard and the cat.


----------



## 335289

Mr.Married said:


> At least you got out with your beard and the cat.


Not my cat, but, yeah. My ex got the house and 30% of my gross for the rest of my life. Divorce is pretty brutal, and I believe family courts are why the suicide rate for my demographic is so high. I find my happiness where I can. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Married but Happy

SunCMars said:


> This makes no sense to me.
> 
> Why say that you cannot determine a new partners sexual compatibility and do so while remaining exclusive?
> 
> One at a time, exclusive, this....if you must go to the well and sample the water, often.


It looks like this thread rose from the dead, and I never answered this question earlier.

Why should I be exclusive, and why would I want to? Anyway, I am polyamorous, so conventional dating rules don't usually apply. I (sometimes) have more than one committed, romantic, sexual relationship at a time. So, I would not "exclude" an _existing_ partner while determining if a new, potential partner is compatible. Of course, all would know about it. I don't think I've ever been in the situation of having _more_ than two romantic partners at a time, but by extension it could happen and there would be no exclusivity with any of them. There would, however, be fully informed consent by all. Also, a new polyamorous partner may have their own existing sexual relationships simultaneously. It can get complicated, but it's not difficult if everyone is honest and negotiates whatever boundaries seem appropriate to the situation.


----------



## 335289

Married but Happy said:


> ... Also, a new polyamorous partner may have their own existing sexual relationships simultaneously. It can get complicated, but it's not difficult if everyone is honest and negotiates whatever boundaries seem appropriate to the situation.


Complicated is right. All poly relationships are different, but, in my experience, every person added increases the complexity geometrically. So, why do we get involved with more than one person? Because we are already complex and loving people, and we understand our partners have needs we cannot fill, and we may have needs they cannot fill. We love them enough, and they love us enough to understand that. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7

IronHamster said:


> Complicated is right. All poly relationships are different, but, in my experience, every person added increases the complexity geometrically. So, why do we get involved with more than one person? Because we are already complex and loving people, and we understand our partners have needs we cannot fill, and we may have needs they cannot fill. We love them enough, and they love us enough to understand that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I love and respect my husband far too much to even consider bringing anyone else into our marriage. Also I made promises to him to be faithful and I would never break them.


----------



## NextTimeAround

IronHamster said:


> Complicated is right. All poly relationships are different, but, in my experience, every person added increases the complexity geometrically. So, why do we get involved with more than one person? Because we are already complex and loving people, and we understand our partners have needs we cannot fill, and we may have needs they cannot fill. We love them enough, and they love us enough to understand that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I remember multi dating being common when I was at college. Of course, at a time when *nearly *everyone is single; childfree (this was the early 80s) and have no shared property: and whatever else of importance other time since being a college student is finite as well......

I think women were encouraged at one time to multi date. It looks less needy. You don't know what he's doing when you're not together and so on.

But I can't think of anyone these days who advocates multiple partners in any way.


----------



## SunCMars

Lila said:


> I've had plenty of dinner dates with him. He's a foodie and enjoys taking me to good restaurants for dinner. He's also taken me to the theater and an art gallery show.


And....

He is playing the long game.

His short-term sexual needs are emptied of.
No pressure there.

His long term goal of getting you in the sack remains in play.

He knows he is winning.

Why?

You keep seeing him.

In the back of his mind he thinks he will get you in bed.
In the back of your mind, you hope he sees the light, sees your value and amends his playboy ways and asks for exclusivity.

You and Alma Mater are slow dancing, without touching vital organs.

I have no issues with this.

I hope 'you' get what you want.



THRD-


----------



## 2ntnuf

I'm seriously glad I took the time to read this thread. Very good thread for those wondering what the hell is going on out there... even us old guys. Thanks for not deleting it.


----------



## frusdil

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I find exclusively to be a definite prerequisite for sex. For me, I can't imagine it any other way.


Same. 100%



NextTimeAround said:


> One problem today is that people disguise relationships as "just a friendship" when they really are dating that person.
> 
> People have different standards for what a "date" is which can cause more confusion.


That's why you ask the question directly, "are we exclusive" and then "I require exclusivity prior to sex". The other person can then either continue with you or decide they don't want it. I was very clear with my husband when we met, that to be intimate with him I required exclusivity and a desire to move our relationship forward. I wouldn't have sex without those two things. It didn't mean our relationship would last of course, but it meant that we were both on the same page with the same end goal in mind, and that was important to both of us.


----------



## 335289

I was exclusive for my clinically sexless marriage with my left hand, although on extremely rare occasion my wife would break the monotony. 

Now, I have one fluid bonded girlfriend, and I three FWBs. I could have more, but I am pretty comfortable, and every new relationship adds a layer of complexity. Best of all, everybody knows everybody and what is going on, and how we feel about things. 

Having been lied to for so long, I feel much happier in an honest poly relationship than a dishonest monogamous one. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


----------

