# My world has been tossed upside down!



## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

Wife is moving out after 1st of the year. Married 19 years to an awesome wife. 2 boys 14 and 10. Moved from Florida to Northern NY to be near her family and friends and have our boys grow up in a small town. We met 20 years ago in airforce in florida. Sorry I'm all over the place. I havent stop shaking since finding out. 
I have been so selfish and stupid for the last 15 years. And its as if I have just opened a door and can see what I have done. For 15 years my wife would ask me to meet for lunch since she was stuck at home all day with kids and no family and I would make excuses. I have lots of other examples of stupid situations where I would put everyone else first before her.

So after moving here I had a hard time with living up here. Could not commit on a house and ended up renting a house we hate. Got jobs then she quit hers which was an awful job. She had always worked out of house also for my father doing his books so still had an income. 

During this time she started facebooking which she was always against. Met old flame and started an online fling which I stopped. This fling started her to lose weight and just be happy all around. Men started flirting and she liked it.

Now she says she feels a heaviness when I'm around and wants to move out. We would split the kids between both places. she has not done any house work for months which I needed to buck up and help anyway. I am home now before her since her new great job and have dinner waiting for her.

Within the last 3 weeks we have gone out together and had the best of times that we havnt since our first child was born. We still sleep in same bed, I cuddle but no responses. 
I have read the Married Mans Sex Guide and know about MAP and 180. Im on day 18 of the love dare. I am just downright lost.

By the way we are 41 and I have just started taking testosterone so I hope this gives me a leg up on the MAP.

Any guideance?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

What was MAP again? 

I'm so sorry you're here bub. Um. First thing that screams to me is MLC? Mid Life Crisis, or transition. 

I have very little advice, hopefully Up or someone can chime in and help. 

I truly hope things work out in the end, but I can promise you this, you better strap in for a long rough ride!

Good luck and keep coming here, bunch of great people that are very willing to help.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

She wants to move out?

Give her what she wants.

Make sure you establish 50 / 50 custody of your children.

Do not pay her to leave you.

Cut things off financially.

Pay what you are legally obligated to pay.

Split what you are legally obligated to split.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

charlieg, read what UP just wrote... I'm sure you won't understand his straight forwardness... Then read Dwayne and my story... Then read again what UP just wrote and you'll understand a little better - good luck! We'll be around to give you advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> She wants to move out?
> 
> Give her what she wants.
> 
> ...


Brother UpnOver -

Why do you always advise people to break out from marriages?

I've seen this in a lot of your posts.

This is detrimental.

Zappy


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

zappy88200 said:


> Brother UpnOver -
> 
> Why do you always advise people to break out from marriages?
> 
> ...


everybody opinion has value.....even yours


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

We always seem to take people for granted after a period of time. Its only when we lose them do we reflect and become remorseful for things we should have done, but overlooked. Life by itself can be hectic and stressful. It can easily take all of your time and energy just working, paying bills and all the other day to day stuff that requires time and energy. Trying to maintain a healthy long lasting relationship on top of that is difficult. People grow bored and grow apart. Some seek others for attention and some just stumble upon them. Of course looking back does no one any good its moving forward that counts. So don't beat yourself up about the 'should of's and 'could of's.

You need to make her feel the loss you are feeling and make her reflect on what she is losing by giving her what she wants and the 180. Just like you are feeling right now. You took her for granted and now when she threatens to leave you woke up. Now you have to wake her up, but it will be tough with the OM in the picture.

Ultimately you cannot control her. She may need to learn for herself that there is no gold at the end of the rainbow. Relationship are what you make them and require both parties to give and work towards better communication and intimacy. It takes no work to run into another's arms and drop all the baggage behind you.

I would be careful with doing all the house work and cooking dinner or her all the time. Like the 'Married Mans Sex Guide' says and another book 'No More Mr Nice Guy' this will make her lose respect for you. No groveling, pleading, crying, begging etc.

Unfortunately when someone is flirting with a new person or attracted to them it chemically alters their brain and ups their endorphins and makes them say and do funny things. She is losing weight to try and make herself more attractive, but not for you.

You have to put your foot down and put a stop to her getting attached to this other man. If she wants to leave instead, show her the door. You want her to question what she is losing and at the very same time make yourself more attractive and a better man.

Keep up the 180 and the MAP, but again unless something stops her from this obvious obsession with the other guy I'm afraid it will be a uphill battle. Those chemical reactions when people think they are in love make people do and say stupid things just for a taste of the fruit. The fact its forbidden makes it that more desirable.

Good luck.


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

Wow! That just summed it all up. Still going to feel scared of losing her forever and what it will do to my family.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

listen to them charlie. Its your best hope. Its the opposite of what you want to do....
but it is the best way.


ps.. its important though that you let her know this is not what you want.her leaving..but to let her go is a true gift of love. Then get to work on you. 

best of luck charlie


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Charlie - How are you?


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

I was told today by a friend of hers that i need tp perserver. I hope this is positive. Im sure she is going to move out after the first,but hopefully i can keep up with the map/180. I just so hurt and stunned, she has always been my rock and i just did not cherish her


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

I know now that there is no one else. She just wants to be away from me. Says she may miss me(I hope). This last 6 months I've shown her more love and respect than the last 15. She sees the change but the past is what she feels and I can't blame her,and I now see it so clearly.
She can move after the first. Shes moving without the furniture and starting with just beds for her and the kids. Most will stay here for now. I havn't paid bills in 19 years, I'm clueless with money, so this will be difficult.
I have just started testosterone injections and have started working out. I'm hoping that these things will have an effect on my emotions. Its hard to eat sometimes. The pain I feel is horrible. But she has felt it for a long time. I feel so bad for her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She may be a walk away wife as this sounds like a long term strategy.

Now you say there is no one else but there was long enough for your marriage to be compromised.

Me? In th absence of true infidelity I would fight for my marriage. I would not separate for sure. It would be divorce or work on the marriage.

I would make sure there was no one else. I mean abso-fricken-lutely sure.

I would try to get her to do His Needs Her Needs. 

Now ultimately if she just wants out then let her go, but I would not fund a single life style for her.

Also if she has had control of the money rest assured she has hiddne away plenty for herself. You better get a lawyer and get a handle on the financials immediately. You need to find out where the money is.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> Brother UpnOver -
> 
> Why do you always advise people to break out from marriages?
> 
> ...


This is the "Going Through Divorce or Separation" forum.

Not "Considering Divorce or Separation".

Most stories here are those of left behinds who are trying to claw back the walk away spouse.

Yet.

When you look at the one who was left behind.

9/10 times they have absolutely no self worth.

It's all wrapped up in a person who doesn't want anything to do with them.

They no longer "know who they are".

If the defiant wants to leave.

Let them.

Who are you to say otherwise?

The first thing to happen is making false promises to create short term solutions for long term problems.

Removing oneself from the situation to regain a sense of self, to me, is very important.

No one should ever have to rely on the 'love' of another.

No one should ever NEED another.

Some stories do end up in reconciliation.

If both parties are happy.

Who am I to disagree?


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

I told her that I love her and when she is ready I'll be here. She says thats not a healthy way to live. I said well I hope you miss me after a month or two and she then says she may miss me after the first night. This almost hurts as much as it gives me hope.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

charlie, saying "when you are ready, Ill be here" - WILL NOT SCORE YOU ANY POINTS! Stop it! You are NO ONE's back up plan. She's leaving you. Don't sit around and wait for her. Get your mind right buddy. You are putting your future in her hands. Your future belongs to you and you only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

charlie, saying "when you are ready, Ill be here" - WILL NOT SCORE YOU ANY POINTS! Stop it! You are NO ONE's back up plan. She's leaving you. Don't sit around and wait for her. Get your mind right buddy. You are putting your future in her hands. It doesn't belong to her, it belongs to YOU!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

Talking a little about some guidlines for trial seperation. This is what she is calling it. She says she has already seen the change in me and sees i am putting her first. So i ask about dating and she says no dating. She says shes looking for some space, feels crowded by me. I see it to, I don't do anything without her and i dont handle any of the responsibilities.


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

We had an incredible christmas eve and day. In the eve she told me "you know I love you right" and asked if I wanted her to move out. I told her I didn't but I couldn't make that decision. She is now saying she will spend first week at her moms, but shes oblgated to pay 1 month, so I don't know what to think. If I try to talk about it she is overwelme.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

charlie, take it from someone who's done this song and dance before. You are focused on the wrong person. You are needy and don't handle any of the responsibilities - address those issues. 
No dates and feeling crowded by you? That's a big red flag charlie. I don't like where this is headed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fbwatcher (Dec 6, 2012)

Wow, very simular statements and plans, so I feel for you brother! I don't think ours will have any trial seperation portion if it continues, will probably go right to the D. Ours has been 18 years, 16 married. I was oblivious to needs of hers, concentrated on being the provider and man of the house. Not sure if can be repaired, but using a lot of the 180 ideals, but will admit not all. Have a special needs child at home so have to take a careful review of any guidance/suggestions and see how they affect the child.

Best of luck and Im there with you!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

now l'm no expert but like many others was unfortunately just thrown into this crazy [email protected] 3 mths ago.

but i would have thought charlie's last piece there was a good thing in everything she's said.

i'm afraid mine and so many others were a bit more definite and hurtful than her.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Charlie, 

You didn't ask me but I'm going to give you some advice. First of all, I have been where you are - walk away wife left two years ago and I divorced her last month. I am writing this for you so that you can benefit from the mistakes I made when I was going through the hellish life you now find yourself in. Then maybe all of the time and suffering I put myself through might mean something.

I don't know your wife, of course, but it is naive for you to be "sure" she isn't having an affair right now. If she isn't currently having a physical affair, if she didn't have one recently, or if she isn't in an emotional affair with somebody, I'd be very surprised. It's very illogical for a person to leave the marriage without trying to work on things when the other spouse is willing unless they have at least some idea of where they are heading. Don't be naive. It'll make it hurt more later.

It probably feels, right now, like all you need to do is get your wife to "understand" how sorry you are about taking her for granted and how much you are ready to work to save your marriage. Once she understands how you feel she'll stay. Unfortunately, as it turns out, the opposite is true. You see, the more you plead with her and tell her you love her so much you will wait for her, etc, the more you are telling her that its safe for her to go out and explore because she has a safety net ready if things don't work out -- you. Don't be a safety net. If you are she'll take more steps towards her new life and away from you, because you, her backup plan, make her feel safe taking those risks. What does she have to lose?

My advice to you is this: spend a week thinking about everything you want to tell you wife. All the stuff about the good times, the kids, how sorry you are, how wide your eyes have opened, and what a great family you guys are and can still be, etc, etc. Think really hard about what you want to tell her. Really hard. Then meet with her and tell her all those things. Get it all out. No regrets. Nothing left unsaid. End the conversation telling her that it isn't fair for her to expect you to wait around for her to figure things out and that, although you want this to work, you aren't going to be her backup plan. It isn't right. You wouldn't do it to her. After this talk, DO NOT TALK WITH HER ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE AGAIN. Do not contact her again unless it's about the kids and then do not under any circumstances talk about your marriage or how she's doing or how you are doing etc. Don't act married. Don't act like friends. Don't share anything emotional with her. Keep your conversation to just logistics about the kids, the finances or the legal proceedings. Then turn all of your angst, depression, anxiety, into energy to work on yourself. Work out (hard / daily), buy new clothes, take up some hobbies, MEET NEW PEOPLE...get out and LIVE! DO NOT sit at home and ruminate and break down. You'll either end up shooting yourself or breaking down and telling her how much you miss her -- thereby telling her to take another step towards her new life and away from you.

The journey you are embarking on is awful. I've experienced pain in life before, but what you are beginning to go through takes the cake. Hands down. 

So batten down the hatches and go inside. The only thing you can control right now is you and your reaction to what life is throwing at you. So have the talk with your wife to get everything out of your system now, don't beg/plead/bargin with her, love yourself intensely, and start living your life for you! And start doing it right NOW. 

Best of luck to you Charlie. Keep your head up.


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

Just as a recap with a little more info. My wife hasn't left yet. She says she can move into rental after the 1st of the year. She is not taking anything she will stay at her moms for a week then get furniture. She is wanting to swap the kids every two days or so. I guess they will have to stay with me until she gets set up. I don't even know what she is going to tell them. We have always had 1 bank account, her idea since she handled th money and we were a family and therfore were one. But we got our own accounts when this started and would put anything over our budget in our own accounts. Well she is an accountant and therefore did books for my dads company down south. She started putting (her money for second job in her acount).nest egg. Now I may be late on a mortgage payment on our Florida home. This effects my credit not hers. It took her 5 years to convince me to move to northern NY and after 1 1/2 years she want a seperation. I have no one up here and if we get divorced I am stuck up here for years.


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## charlieg (Dec 19, 2012)

Wife did a 180 and is staying and wants to forget about the past and work on us. I am a little worried about her. These are big swings in emotions. She did tell me she is attracted to guys with bigger chests but not muscular men. Good thing I'm getting regular testosterone shots and am starting to work out. Will have to see what happens. I have alot of areas to improve.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Mine did the same thing.. a 180..

Mine left and I did the non contact. Mine is still living away but we spend weekends together with the children.

DO NOT CHANGE your appearance for her.. change it for you. 

This is what I call a TUNE UP. She saw how you used to be.. then saw you change for the worse so she tuned you up. Dont look at it as she is controlling you.. she just wants to bring out the best in you that made her marry you.

Keep your emotions in check.. do not be clingy, do not say things that are far from your normal behaviour as she will see it as fake. Just think about things were when you first met and try to do those things.

her not leaving is a bonus... now get you two into marriage counseling..


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