# I need a male perspective! But female input welcome:)



## smc24 (Oct 11, 2014)

Hi everyone, i am new here and hope i am allowed to post here! 
I am getting married to my boyfriend of five years in July. I am 24, he is 30. We are generally happy, and have two baby boys 13 months apart one born three weeks ago.

A couple of years ago i went through his deleted history and found some dating sites and history of him looking up hookers in our area. On the dating sites he had made an anonymous profile on some, but didnt pay for the full sites. From what i saw, and i dug pretty deep, he didnt talk to any women. He would send the nudges or automated messages to get a response, but never replied. When i asked him he said he never actually talked to anyone, or contacted any prostitutes. He said it added more to the imagination for him. While i didnt consider this cheating, it crossed a line for me and he said he wouldnt initiate contact with anyone again. When i looked through his profile there was a 'looking for' section where he checked off things like discreet relationship, one on one sex, lesbians, erotic chat. These sites were not like match.com; they were basically hook up sites with porno pictures. I felt that specifying discreet relationship and erotic chat was fishy, but he said it was just to illicit those type of responses.

I decided to believe him and things have been great, but i havent invaded his privacy again, until today. I see he deleted everything to the point that i could not recover, which is ok, i just dont want him interracting with others.

While i don't think he would physically cheat, i don't want to marry someone who i will later find is emotionally cheating by interracting with women online, and get a divorce. Was i naive to forgive him? Is it likely that he was talking with women even though i found no evidence of it, or was he just looking at porn basically?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Yes you are naive to trust him. What you do t understand is that he has already cheated on you. He does not have to have actual sex to cheat. You are too easy going and way too trusting. Only a someone with low self worth could tolerate such betrayal.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *smc24 said* : When i looked through his profile there was a 'looking for' section where he checked off things like discreet relationship, one on one sex, lesbians, erotic chat. These sites were not like match.com; they were basically hook up sites with porno pictures. I felt that specifying discreet relationship and erotic chat was fishy, but he said it was just to illicit those type of responses.



Sorry Smc24..I would NOT trust him at all.. the sites you mentioned.. ..just think about it.. why would ANYONE take the time to seek out "hooking up for sex" sites....you also discovered he made an anonymous profile on dating sites -just to elicit female responses ... but you let this go.. he was fishing.... the problem here is.. "It's in the heart"...

Something in his life, relationship, is not satisfied enough to "erotically chat" with YOU... and ONLY YOU... why is he seeking external thrills... No.. these are huge red flags..

What was his history like BEFORE you.. with other women? Is this how he got his sexual needs met? 

Some men are just not cut out for monogamy... it's just not in them, they seek and crave variety.. this is what I take from your post..given what you have laid out here...It's just not a good sign.. It doesn't mean he slept with anyone... but something deep inside of him gets off on contemplating it - at the very least...I couldn't trust someone like that.. 

I can see looking up some porn, even the 2 of you watching it together but anything above & beyond this.... it's crossing the LINE when you are in a committed relationship.. unless you want an "Open marriage"...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

smc24 said:


> I see he deleted everything to the point that i could not recover, which is ok...


No it's not ok. It's downright fishy. 

This man is not to be trusted.


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## Magnet (Oct 5, 2014)

I think this is something all guys think about. Generally i dont think your man actually wants to cheat. More than likely he just thinks he needs some variety. But the bottom line is you need to tell him how him looking at these sites makes you feel. Fantasy is fine, but not at the expense of your SO's feelings


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Sorry but what he was doing with the online hook up sites is up there with cheating in my opinion. That is fishing behaviour. Looking at a porno site is different. He was putting himself in situations where he could interract with real live women. 

After you caught him the first time, you should have demanded he be more transparent. Having had your trust violated, he should have offered it. I think honesty, openness and transparency in marriage or common-law relationships is very important. You shouldn't be put in a position where you feel the need to snoop. Someone deleting their entire history/files to the point where they cannot be recovered - especially after they've been caught cheating or trying to cheat is a really bad sign.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Magnet said:


> I think this is something all guys think about. Generally i dont think your man actually wants to cheat. More than likely he just thinks he needs some variety. But the bottom line is you need to tell him how him looking at these sites makes you feel. Fantasy is fine, but not at the expense of your SO's feelings


You can get variety from watching porn. It's a different deal when you are actually trying to connect with real people. The fact that she looked recently and he deleted everything is super fishy.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> You can get variety from watching porn. It's a different deal when you are actually trying to connect with real people. The fact that she looked recently and he deleted everything is super fishy.


I agree. 

Generally, when men/women move to dating/sex sites...it's to try and get laid. 

Porn has all the variety you need. You can go to google and type in ANYTHING...literally...and there is porn for it.

What he was doing was looking for a gateway to cheat.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Just so others know, here is a link to the OP's other thread-
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/225754-new-baby-husband-wont-give-up.html
It would be easier and make more sense for people to respond to you with informed sound advice if you stick to one thread where as much information is together as possible. Just an FYI.
I totally agree that you cannot trust your partner, not only is he looking to cheat (ummm MASSIVE red flag!) he also has no interest in having sex with you for 2months before bubs came along. While that in itself would not indicate a red flag to me, paired with him looking for sex outside your relationship it is kind of a no brainer.
I would absolutely NOT be marrying this man.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

From a male's perspective:

There becomes a huge problem when guys cross the line from looking at random porn to looking at hookup/dating/cam sites, etc.

There could be tons of different reasons as to why he subjectively does it; however, from a male's perspective, he seems bored. He seems confused. 

He is desperate to see 'what else' is out there that he may be missing out on. He may get a high off of the fact that other women are interested in him still. He may miss his old ways of being single and wild and he used these websites during that stage. He may be looking for an emotional connection or just some local girl's pictures to rub one out to. He may be looking for one night stands when the perfect time strikes. There are potentially tons of reasons.

However, he is a liar. He does not respect you and your standards. He most likely has been doing this the whole time you two have been together. Honestly, he probably does love you and wants a marriage because that is 'what people are suppose to do'; however, he is bored and confused. He lives two lifestyles; with only one of them being with you. These are huge red flags and marrying him will lead to nothing but emotional abuse for you. The confusion/boredom will only get worst and he will most likely end up acting on it if he hasn't already.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I would have already left him upon finding out about the online hook-ups the very first time. There is no explanation good enough for this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MNLawenforcement (Oct 8, 2014)

smc24 said:


> Hi everyone, i am new here and hope i am allowed to post here!
> I am getting married to my boyfriend of five years in July. I am 24, he is 30. We are generally happy, and have two baby boys 13 months apart one born three weeks ago.
> 
> A couple of years ago i went through his deleted history and found some dating sites and history of him looking up hookers in our area. On the dating sites he had made an anonymous profile on some, but didnt pay for the full sites. From what i saw, and i dug pretty deep, he didnt talk to any women. He would send the nudges or automated messages to get a response, but never replied. When i asked him he said he never actually talked to anyone, or contacted any prostitutes. He said it added more to the imagination for him. While i didnt consider this cheating, it crossed a line for me and he said he wouldnt initiate contact with anyone again. When i looked through his profile there was a 'looking for' section where he checked off things like discreet relationship, one on one sex, lesbians, erotic chat. These sites were not like match.com; they were basically hook up sites with porno pictures. I felt that specifying discreet relationship and erotic chat was fishy, but he said it was just to illicit those type of responses.
> ...


I don't know if my perspective is quite what you're looking for, but I would like to point something just for thought:

A lot of people find different ways to express their fantasy lives. For the vast majority of people, porn works just fine, but for others it isn't nearly as helpful. The overproduced and generally "fake" nature of the scenes forms a wall to the fantasy. 

Conversely, the "real" nature of dealing with people on dating sites and erotic chat may be an extra kick. It is within the realm of possibility that this is what's going on.

I agree with some of the others that his ignoring your clearly stated wishes may be an issue, but it may be better to talk to him calmly and clearly and clear the air about the whole issue (Which may be very difficult if he's ashamed of his actions). 

The last thing I would suggest, regarding marriage (together with my partner for 14 years, married for 5). If you are at a point where you feel the need to secretly check his browser history and you have this much trouble trusting him, you may want to reconsider the marriage itself. I know it's cliche, but a marriage is hard work. The first few years can be extremely difficult (My partner (now husband) and I had been together for almost a decade and still struggled early). If you are already staring behind the 8 ball, you are setting yourself up for a giant snowball of troubles.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I was married to a man like this.

Porn is acceptable to me. Every guy looks at porn. However..it's the interactive porn sites that make me nervous; the ones where sex is readily available.

These were the ones that my ex frequented. He'd lie to me and tell me he was "just looking" and it turned him on to think about me doing this with him.

A fantasy should be that...a fantasy. But looking into his chat sites when he got lazy..he was meeting these women and having sex with them. It was like an addiction to him and the more women that would meet him..the more women he met. 

He got braver and started picking up women in bars. He wouldn't come home at night. Told me he got drunk and slept on a friend's couch.

There is nothing wrong with a guy visiting porn sites..at least in my opinion. But when it comes to interactive sites that your man is visiting..it brings up a huge red flag.

And in addition, don't think that you can check your computer and keep an eye on what he's doing because he's smarter than you are and will change sites..will change his screen name..and with cell phones and text messaging so prevalent these days..there is NO way you'll be able to keep an eye on anything he does.

Trust is a big deal when you marry someone. If you can't trust him before you marry him..how will you trust him after??


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## Magnet (Oct 5, 2014)

I can see how hook up sites are more dangerous. That might be why he visits them. But you asked for a male opinion and I can tell you for me, the bottom line would be that it makes you uncomfortable and that is what needs to be addressed. If he feels he's not getting something at home that he thinks he'll get from looking at these girls than it needs to be discussed. If my wife was feeling ignored or was looking at hookup sites to get attention I would want her to tell me why. Maybe he needs to be confronted with the idea that these hookup sites are a real danger to your marriage. He'll have to decide if his curiosity is worth hurting your feelings.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He likes women, which should be a requirement for any man you intend to marry. He may be a bit passive, indecisive, and cheap. I'd think the bigger red flags are that he feels the need to delete his phone history. He apparently doesn't trust you to respect his privacy. His concerns in that regard apparently have some merit. Why do you feel free to go through the man's phone history? If you want a guy who never looks at other women, your selection pool is going to be very small. Two years ago he was 28? If I investigated a single 28 year old guy's phone and didn't find evidence of him flirting with or chatting up women, I'd think that would be a little odd. 
I expect that before my wife and I got serious, there were probably some text messages or photos from guys on her phone or computer. I wouldn't be surprised of she browsed or logged onto dating sites or even porn sites. She was a lonely, single, heterosexual woman in her 30s. She wasn't a nun. 
As a cop, I'm in peoples' houses all the time. I search homes, cars, phones, computers for evidence, often on very normal people. Normal people are sexual beings and crave human interaction, typically from the opposite sex. These urges are normal. You have no reason to believe he hooked up with anyone as a result of this browsing and you have reason to believe he's too cheap or timid to do so. I'd say he has bigger reasons for concern because he's anticipating marrying someone he can't trust to respect his privacy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

And that's the advice you would give to your daughter Unbelievable?


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

I would have never became that involved with him in the first place if I was in your shoes.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I find it amazing that some people are basically saying it's ok because it's fantasy. Blame has even been placed on the OP.



> *unbelievable:*I'd say he has bigger reasons for concern because he's anticipating marrying someone he can't trust to respect his privacy.


He can't be trusted. That's why she is double checking. I don't think they should get married because of this. But she isn't to blame for his deception.



> *unbelievable:* I'd think the bigger red flags are that he feels the need to delete his phone history. He apparently doesn't trust you to respect his privacy.


He feels the need to delete his phone history because he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong and will hurt the OP. He doesn't care and hides it by deleting the history. If he could be trusted, he would have no reason to delete the history. If she checks and finds nothing then he can take that high horse down the road to talk to her and say, "see I have nothing to hide, quit being paranoid."



> *unbelievable:* If you want a guy who never looks at other women, your selection pool is going to be very small.


He's going to dating and hook up sites. Not just porn sites. That's completely different than looking at other women in porn or on the street. He is actively seeking out a way to cheat. Talking with other women sexually...is cheating. Looking at other women is completely different from starting up a conversation on how you would like to bend her over.



> *MNLawenforcement:*A lot of people find different ways to express their fantasy lives. For the vast majority of people, porn works just fine, but for others it isn't nearly as helpful. The overproduced and generally "fake" nature of the scenes forms a wall to the fantasy.




It's like - at first a lot of women didn't want to accept porn (hell, many still don't). They were told, you HAVE to accept it, it's fantasy, it won't hurt you. So, many are coming around to it. 

But no. That's not enough. Now, you need to accept dating sites and hook up sites because porn is too fake?!?! No. 

Porn is fine. Dating sites and hook up sites when you talk to other women....totally NOT ok if you are attached to someone. You don't have to be insecure to know that allowing your spouse to talk to other women/men online is probably going to end badly.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I tend to think that if this was a man posting that he found his wife on AFF, some of the advice would be a lot different. Porn is different than having a profile on a site that is used to find one night stands.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

I have not read the other responses.

Men loom at porn because it is their fantasy...their women are their realities. The closer their women fit into their fantasies, the happier they are.
Unless you are so far from his needs and fantasy, then you are fine. Men are visual...


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## MNLawenforcement (Oct 8, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> It's like - at first a lot of women didn't want to accept porn (hell, many still don't). They were told, you HAVE to accept it, it's fantasy, it won't hurt you. So, many are coming around to it.
> 
> But no. That's not enough. Now, you need to accept dating sites and hook up sites because porn is too fake?!?! No.
> 
> Porn is fine. Dating sites and hook up sites when you talk to other women....totally NOT ok if you are attached to someone. You don't have to be insecure to know that allowing your spouse to talk to other women/men online is probably going to end badly.


Please don't put words in my mouth. Context is important and you stripped a very sensible comment of all context to try and force a point that is radically different from the one I was making.

I posted that purely to point out that there are reasons why some people would look at hook up sites and chat even though they have absolutely no willingness or desire to cheat on a fiancee.

You may have missed the part where I said that ignoring the op's request that he stop and hiding it was a major problem and that a conversation was the best way to handle it. I also suggested the op reconsider getting married because of this issue.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lovesmanis said:


> I have not read the other responses.
> 
> Men loom at porn because it is their fantasy...their women are their realities. The closer their women fit into their fantasies, the happier they are.
> Unless you are so far from his needs and fantasy, then you are fine. Men are visual...


So are women.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

In my opinion his actions will eventually lead to an affair. Might want to put a key logger on the computer to get a full picture of his current actions. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Get rid of the guy. Don't worry about it keylogger in making the rest of your life miserable. This guy is no good. Is values is screwed up. And he's a liar.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Porn can be a gateway to the interactive sites which can be a gateway to emotional affairs or physical affairs. 

Or it may stop at porn or interactive sites. 

What is YOUR comfort level? If you're OK with it then I see no problem with it, other than his hiding the fact that he's doing it. I'm a man and I consider even porn a gateway drug so I try to minimize it as much as I can. But others have no problem and find it adds spice to their relationship. 

My girlfriend knows my feelings and is probably more permissive than I am to myself, so we're in a good place. On the flip side I know of women that are very sexual and do the cam sites WHILE in a committed relationship; I can only hope their boyfriends/husbands accept that behavior from their SO. 

tldr; I think its crossing the line, but the line is set in a given relationship. Where's your line?


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