# Comfort/Discomfort level with spending while dating



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

This question is mostly for the men but ladies feel free to voice your opinions. 

BF and I recently had a talk about how to handle Christmas and spending limits on our kids and the convo turned to spending on each other. He was telling me he doesn't want me spending much on him but in the same breath, when I questioned him, he admitted he had spent more on me for xmas so far than he wanted me to spend on him. I pointed out the double standard and he insisted it wasn't a double standard, it's something else but he couldn't explain it very well. Basically he said it just doesn't make him happy, like he worries about it.

At first I assumed it's because I earn less but he said that's not it. I also earn less than his ex of two years so I asked if this had ever been an issue with her and he said no, not at all. He didn't care what she spent. When asked why he said it's because he cares more about me than he did her. But I care about him too and enjoy surprising him with things that I know he'll really enjoy so what the heck lol? This isn't fair but at the same time he seems to be genuinely bothered by it so I'm honoring his request.

So what is this? He's also been more stubborn lately about not letting me pay for meals when we eat out or random things when we're out shopping so then I start to feel a little uncomfortable. He smiles and tells me to suck it up. Is this his way of being protective of me in some way? Or is this him feeling less manly if he feels his woman is providing to much for him? 

Our conversation on this topic continues but I wanted to get some input from the men here and see if this is just my guy or if it's a general guy thing?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

It could be a bit of insecurity. He might feel like your presence in his life and in the relationship is worth more than his so for things to balance out he's got to provide more to you.

I think most people have at least a little bit of a sense of their overall worth and desirability to the opposite sex. It might be a bit more explicit and conscious for men because they tend to be the pursuers so in general they would have more "opportunities" to be judged / evaluated. In general, you would expect a relationship to be among equals or near equals so if one of the people in the relationship is more attractive or desirable than the other, the less attractive/desirable person would need to make up for that deficit in some other way like presents, effort at pleasing, etc. 

I would have suggested that it might have been an old fashioned attitude if it had applied to previous relationships but it didn't. Of course there might be something in that the ex made more, too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not said:


> This question is mostly for the men but ladies feel free to voice your opinions.
> 
> BF and I recently had a talk about how to handle Christmas and spending limits on our kids and the convo turned to spending on each other. He was telling me he doesn't want me spending much on him but in the same breath, when I questioned him, he admitted he had spent more on me for xmas so far than he wanted me to spend on him. I pointed out the double standard and he insisted it wasn't a double standard, it's something else but he couldn't explain it very well. Basically he said it just doesn't make him happy, like he worries about it.
> 
> ...


I like spending on my lady but you may need to assert yourself here.

Get what you want to get him because it is your decision. He doesn't really get to tell you how to express yourself this way.

If you want to pay for something once in a while, like dinner, do it.

If he keeps making a stink, arrange to have the meal directly billed to your account.

I would take a stand on this and he would have to accept it as part of a relationship with you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Some folks say this automatically. Ignore it, without making it a big deal.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have this problem with my partner, and although I've learnt to just enjoy it, at times it does bother me.

Prior to our income joined - when it comes to general groceries/eating out/shopping/misc spending, I consider her income which is less than mine - by a longshot - and prefer her to spend less on me and have more money for herself. She was simply not in a position to throw money especially at not someone who is alot more established financially. She never stopped however, and well, I stopped trying to stop her, she's too stubborn. 

Fast forward three years - nowadays we are now at a point where our finances are combined, just not officially in a joint account but in practice my money is hers and vice versa. But STILL it bothers me, because it's our money now, and I don't need all these fancy things. And I mean it! Especially when I already have everything I want and anything else I never thought I would like she already got for me! I fear receiving anymore gifts because I am frightened of having ever to feign appreciation as to not hurt her feelings. 

Sadly I'm not that good a liar, she got me headphones once which I didn't like because I'm very spoiled with top quality sound and as nice as I tried to be about it and as loved as I felt, I just didn't like those specific speakers. She cried.

So please no!!! 
There's only so much love I can take before it spills on my shirt and makes a mess and makes us both unhappy!
BUT, she's not going to listen, she even said so herself. So I brace myself for some waaah waaahs this xmas. But who knows, maybe she would surprise me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Christmas shopping came up a few weeks ago when my bf got exasperated with me for being difficult to figure what to get me for Christmas so we agreed we're not exchanging gifts. We're both adults with lots of stuff. There's nothing I particularly want, I prefer to buy what I need when I want it. I much rather have time, so we agreed to take a small trip someplace together as a present for each other.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

If the BF is having trouble explaining this, then you can rest assured that it's not something superficial or an easily reached "ready to go" explanation like his manhood is being threatened.

I suspect that he's trying to reach a level of authenticity of feelings, where the gift to you is a true symbol of the degree of feelings he has for you and doesn't want social obligation dynamics to butt their way into that feeling, meaning he's probably be happy if you had given him a toothpick because that doesn't sully his feelings for you with the injection of social expectation. In a way it's selfish because it denies you the same opportunity to show him your feelings via the same method.

Sometimes this gets confused with "trying to buy love" but he's not trying to buy it, he's trying to show it by being generous to you.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Hiner112 said:


> It could be a bit of insecurity. He might feel like your presence in his life and in the relationship is worth more than his so for things to balance out he's got to provide more to you.
> 
> I think most people have at least a little bit of a sense of their overall worth and desirability to the opposite sex. It might be a bit more explicit and conscious for men because they tend to be the pursuers so in general they would have more "opportunities" to be judged / evaluated. In general, you would expect a relationship to be among equals or near equals so if one of the people in the relationship is more attractive or desirable than the other, the less attractive/desirable person would need to make up for that deficit in some other way like presents, effort at pleasing, etc.
> 
> I would have suggested that it might have been an old fashioned attitude if it had applied to previous relationships but it didn't. Of course there might be something in that the ex made more, too.


I had not thought of it like that. Actually when he first told me I immediately triggered because I remember the process I went through as I detached from my exH. The more I detached and the less I felt for him the more I didn’t want him doing anything for me especially buying me gifts. So I was worried for a minute that BF might be trying to take a step or two back from me by telling me not to buy for him, not that he might be trying to compensate.Thanks for sharing those thoughts Hiner.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I like spending on my lady but you may need to assert yourself here.
> 
> Get what you want to get him because it is your decision. He doesn't really get to tell you how to express yourself this way.
> 
> ...


Oh I’m definitely taking a stand. We compromised and agreed that we’d limit the spending after Xmas because I had already bought his gifts. I’ve never in my life enjoyed picking things out for someone like this, I’m actually having fun and it feels good! I’m not gonna stop, I just won’t share the prices with him.

His birthday was in October and he loved his gift and bragged about it on facebook even but later as he was online researching something he wanted to buy to go along with it he discovered how much I paid and gave me his “this is not cool” look. I told him to bad. I think that’s what started it.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Some folks say this automatically. Ignore it, without making it a big deal.


I wish it was that simple and he’s the one making a big deal of it lol!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I have this problem with my partner, and although I've learnt to just enjoy it, at times it does bother me.
> 
> Prior to our income joined - when it comes to general groceries/eating out/shopping/misc spending, I consider her income which is less than mine - by a longshot - and prefer her to spend less on me and have more money for herself. She was simply not in a position to throw money especially at not someone who is alot more established financially. She never stopped however, and well, I stopped trying to stop her, she's too stubborn.
> 
> ...


Oh man, I hope that’s not what he’s thinking lol! I wouldn’t want to do that to him. I get that line of thinking, that’s how things were with my ex when I was married. He was awful at picking things out for me.

He loved his birthday gift so I hope I’m doing good as far as this goes. One of his xmas gifts I had made. A neon sign for his garage/man cave...bring your own beer/what happens in the garage stays in the garage kind of thing. I figured what car/bike guy wouldn’t like something like that? Now I’m worried lol!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> Christmas shopping came up a few weeks ago when my bf got exasperated with me for being difficult to figure what to get me for Christmas so we agreed we're not exchanging gifts. We're both adults with lots of stuff. There's nothing I particularly want, I prefer to buy what I need when I want it. I much rather have time, so we agreed to take a small trip someplace together as a present for each other.


This is what we’d both prefer, hands down. I wanted to surprise him with a short weekend trip for his birthday but he couldn’t get off work that Saturday. No one to cover for him. It’s difficult for either of us to get anytime off work on weekdays, practically impossible right now. We are planning a road trip down south on his bike in June though!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Lance Mannion said:


> If the BF is having trouble explaining this, then you can rest assured that it's not something superficial or an easily reached "ready to go" explanation like his manhood is being threatened.
> 
> I suspect that he's trying to reach a level of authenticity of feelings, where the gift to you is a true symbol of the degree of feelings he has for you and doesn't want social obligation dynamics to butt their way into that feeling, meaning he's probably be happy if you had given him a toothpick because that doesn't sully his feelings for you with the injection of social expectation. In a way it's selfish because it denies you the same opportunity to show him your feelings via the same method.
> 
> Sometimes this gets confused with "trying to buy love" but he's not trying to buy it, he's trying to show it by being generous to you.


That is sort of the vibe I was picking up from him during the conversation. When we first began dating he had no problem with me paying for every other restaurant meal and every other round of drinks but that’s changed, now it’s an issue for him. He‘s very tender and sweet to me and his words when he was talking about all of this felt like an extension of his sweetness but he’s not seeing this from my perspective. I _enjoy_ doing things for him, I want to because I care but the fact that money is involved is an issue for him.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Not said:


> That is sort of the vibe I was picking up from him during the conversation. When we first began dating he had no problem with me paying for every other restaurant meal and every other round of drinks but that’s changed, now it’s an issue for him. He‘s very tender and sweet to me and his words when he was talking about all of this felt like an extension of his sweetness but he’s not seeing this from my perspective. I _enjoy_ doing things for him, I want to because I care but the fact that money is involved is an issue for him.


He is, I suspect, operating on the symbolic plane. The money he is spending is making him feel good about how he is showing you his love, his sacrifice for you. If you spend money on him to show him the very same, you've neutralized him. So maybe don't spend money on him, spend time, do something nice for him, or buy some lingerie and model it for him, just remove the "lavish money spent on him" aspect of your symbolic gesture/gift to him.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Not said:


> Oh I’m definitely taking a stand. We compromised and agreed that we’d limit the spending after Xmas because I had already bought his gifts. I’ve never in my life enjoyed picking things out for someone like this, I’m actually having fun and it feels good! I’m not gonna stop, I just won’t share the prices with him.
> 
> His birthday was in October and he loved his gift and bragged about it on facebook even but later as he was online researching something he wanted to buy to go along with it he discovered how much I paid and gave me his “this is not cool” look. I told him to bad. I think that’s what started it.


Sounds like you started it 😁


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not said:


> This is what we’d both prefer, hands down. I wanted to surprise him with a short weekend trip for his birthday but he couldn’t get off work that Saturday. No one to cover for him. It’s difficult for either of us to get anytime off work on weekdays, practically impossible right now. We are planning a road trip down south on his bike in June though!


I love this.

Mrs. Conan got me a horseback trail ride for my last birthday.

I absolutely love dates, trips and events for gifts!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Not said:


> This is what we’d both prefer, hands down. I wanted to surprise him with a short weekend trip for his birthday but he couldn’t get off work that Saturday. No one to cover for him. It’s difficult for either of us to get anytime off work on weekdays, practically impossible right now. We are planning a road trip down south on his bike in June though!


Oh, it probably won't happen for a while, he started a new job recently and won't have time off anytime so He asked me to spend a week with him after his son goes back and I'm looking forward to it. I think Lance gave excellent advice, get you some sexy lingerie and make him feel studly and let him do his thing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I solved this a long time ago for my marriage. We don’t expect surprise gifts other than “cheap” stuff and if we buy nice things for the other person we discuss it ahead of time and it’s generally not for a birthday/holiday/etc...

When I was still dating I would give her a list of things I would like including many price ranges and then never bought any of those things for myself.

If I bought her expensive stuff while dating it was always things that went with a date like a meal, theater or concert tickets, a trip, etc... where we’re both doing it.

I think your guy means well in that he’s trying not to start a gift giving arms race but the easiest way to do that is to not go nuts in the first place. For Xmas this year I am literally making my wife a foot stool to the exact dimensions of an Amazon box she has been using, will cost probably $10 of stuff from Home Depot and some elbow grease.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> Sounds like you started it 😁


Actually he did lol! For my bday in July. I’ll admit it bothered me a little but then I realized his spending freed me up to do the same for him and I got excited. Neither one of us is materialistic in the least and have all we need. I think this is us being happy with each other and expressing that to each other during all of these firsts together. I put a lot of thought and planning into what I’ve picked out so far and have enjoyed every second of it. ☺


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I love this.
> 
> Mrs. Conan got me a horseback trail ride for my last birthday.
> 
> I absolutely love dates, trips and events for gifts!


Us too. Time is our favorite thing. He loves to hunt so I’ll throw on some of his gear and borrow his sons boots and hunt with him. Quiet time sitting in the woods together.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Not said:


> This question is mostly for the men but ladies feel free to voice your opinions.
> 
> BF and I recently had a talk about how to handle Christmas and spending limits on our kids and the convo turned to spending on each other. He was telling me he doesn't want me spending much on him but in the same breath, when I questioned him, he admitted he had spent more on me for xmas so far than he wanted me to spend on him. I pointed out the double standard and he insisted it wasn't a double standard, it's something else but he couldn't explain it very well. Basically he said it just doesn't make him happy, like he worries about it.
> 
> ...


I didn’t read any of the responses to be honest. For me, it’s not about the money at all. If I got a meaningful card with a thoughtful note, that would be enough for me. Later in life, money spent is not important. I don’t spend money with hopes of getting it back in the form of a gift. A gift from the heart is worth more then the price tag. But that may just be me.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Not said:


> Us too. Time is our favorite thing. He loves to hunt so I’ll throw on some of his gear and borrow his sons boots and hunt with him. Quiet time sitting in the woods together.


Ha! I'd be hunting him and scaring all the animals away 😆


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