# Showing commitment????



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

As some of you may have ready, I just learned about an affair my husband had with our 18 year old babysitter...ok long story so I won't recap but we're trying to work it out. He's confessed, apologized, ashamed, and regretful for screwing up his entire life. I've agreed to give it a try to see if we can fix this because he said he would be 100% committed to doing what it took to fix it and he asked me to go to counseling. Its going well...actually in some ways maybe too well...of course there are ups and downs. 

My question is this, I feel like he should DO something to make up for it and show me he is committed. I feel like something is missing without it and I won't fully trust him unless he shows it in some way. Don't get me wrong .... he's remorseful, shows no signs of trying to communicate her, and is right now 100% focused on us. He even planned a date we had last Friday which was fantastic and we spent all weekend together, it felt like when we first dated. That is all great, and very much appreciated. More times like this would show me, I suppose. He's also very committed to the counseling (he has personal counseling and then together we have marriage counseling). 

So I don't know what I expect him to do....is this normal? Don't get me wrong I don't want to punish him in anyway, I want to heal not hurt so its something I am looking for to show me he is really trying to rebuild. Maybe its the little daily things that rebuild and not some grand gesture. Maybe what I feel is just normal. 

I just want to stop wondering every time he's on the computer if he is on email or when his phone rings who is calling...as part of his business he must be on phone and email a lot. I really do want to just trust him again. 

One thing I thought of .... and he would not ever think of this I'm sure. He just doesn't think this way....but if he came up with the idea of renewing our vows. If the idea comes from me it will be meaningless right now to me. Our 15th wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of months but that seems so far off. 

Anyway .... just something I thought of. Just by him being here is not enough because he was here before and admitted to being only about 50% sure he wanted to remain married. Today that has totally changed and he says he is scared that no matter what he does he may not be able to fix this. I can't really give him any guarantees at this point either...truly it will be about him gaining my trust back so maybe what is missing her is time?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Trust takes time and him willing to lead an open life. He is already doing everything I think he can do.

Just my opinion.

If you worry about the computer add a keylogger.

draconis


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Whats a keylogger and how do I add one? 

I think you are right, he is doing all that he can do and I thin he's a bit frustrated because I expect more, but expect what I don't know. So time and patience... We talked this morning and it was not entirely positive but I think I understand what is happening and what helped contribute to the original problems. Right now finances are not good. He has his own business and zero work right now. Its slowed for months and its put stress on him and now with nothing he literally doesn't know what to do. We are both stressed about finances. I work, and actually have been able to make up some of the difference and I think he resented that a little bit originally...he's come to terms on it and I don't think he feels that way now I think he appreciates it rather than resents, but today he blurted out that he can't support his family and he should be able to do that. I actually understand that as that is ironically what I do for a living, help others to be able to find a job and I've seen marriages fall apart because the husband is unemployed for too long. 

Makes me think all that he did was more of an escape. No excuse but understanding it helps us to take a different path. Although right now he just seems very depressed.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Google "free keylogger" You should find a site that has many down loads for the software that you have on your computer.

A keylogger records all keystrokes so you can pull it up and see everything sent but nothing recieved and if they just click through pages you might not be able to know what pages they went to. But if they type anything you will see it.

Because of my store, I use some. It took a day of playing around to figure out how to hide it. Only by pressing three keys at the same time will the icon come up then you need the password. They have ways to walk you through installing it there too and I can always lend a hand.

draconis


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Keyloggers are a type of spyware...so if you install it you have to set your spyware programs to allow it. 
I don't really like Key loggers too much.

They also have programs where you can remotely log into your PC from another place IE work and watch exactly what the person is doing. I used to harass my wife with it while I was at work.


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

I think you're right with both, needing time and also in needing something more you don't yet know. When so much needs to be rebuilt, it's just a long roller coaster ride of a process that will simply take time. There will be good days and bad ones, and it can be hard to balance the patience required to see it through with the natural impatience that wants to see lots of changes and improvements right now. 

But it's ok not to know everything you need from him just yet. How much time did you spend dating? How many years building your marriage? It all came crashing down and it will take time for you to rebuild it. Really, it's a pretty recent development that you discovered for a fact what you had only worried about before. It hasn't been that long, so it's unfair to expect you to already know everything that you need to fix things. Don't feel bad that you don't have all the answers yet, as you work on things you should discover what's missing. Your husband needs to be at peace knowing that there will be days where it feels like you take a step back, just like there will be days where it feels like you make long strides. He needs to just keep the end goal in mind and learn to appreciate the positive steps and accept there will be hiccups since all the answers haven't been found yet.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thanks, I will take a look and might consider doing that just for awhile until I feel I can trust again.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Scary how easy that is to do! I really want to get back to the place we were before and not feel this is necessary. I always respected his privacy and never looked in his dresser drawers, wallet, vehicle, computer, phone, etc. I figured those were his places. 



hitrockbottom said:


> Keyloggers are a type of spyware...so if you install it you have to set your spyware programs to allow it.
> I don't really like Key loggers too much.
> 
> They also have programs where you can remotely log into your PC from another place IE work and watch exactly what the person is doing. I used to harass my wife with it while I was at work.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thanks, it does take time I know. I'm worried though .... today is a bad day for him so I'm just letting him be but it won't get better unless he gets work. He's gotten himself in to a dark place. I always managed our finances and he said he wanted to get involved and share the responsibility. All I said today is money is very tight we can't spend anything unless its an absolute essential and he just shut down, needed to go for a walk. We ended up fighting over that because I said "you told me you want to be involve and I can't say anything without you withdrawing and being unable to deal with it". He ended up yelling at me (he's never done this before either) but ultimately he said he should be able to provide and isn't and its eating him up. He's building something now, that seems to help and I'm just letting him be. Although its not encouraging me to bring him in any further on finances for our home or his business! 



BlueCreek said:


> I think you're right with both, needing time and also in needing something more you don't yet know. When so much needs to be rebuilt, it's just a long roller coaster ride of a process that will simply take time. There will be good days and bad ones, and it can be hard to balance the patience required to see it through with the natural impatience that wants to see lots of changes and improvements right now.
> 
> But it's ok not to know everything you need from him just yet. How much time did you spend dating? How many years building your marriage? It all came crashing down and it will take time for you to rebuild it. Really, it's a pretty recent development that you discovered for a fact what you had only worried about before. It hasn't been that long, so it's unfair to expect you to already know everything that you need to fix things. Don't feel bad that you don't have all the answers yet, as you work on things you should discover what's missing. Your husband needs to be at peace knowing that there will be days where it feels like you take a step back, just like there will be days where it feels like you make long strides. He needs to just keep the end goal in mind and learn to appreciate the positive steps and accept there will be hiccups since all the answers haven't been found yet.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Scary how easy that is to do! I really want to get back to the place we were before and not feel this is necessary. I always respected his privacy and never looked in his dresser drawers, wallet, vehicle, computer, phone, etc. I figured those were his places.


Its strange how that is...I want my wife so badly to snoop through my stuff so I can offer her peace of mind, so she knows I am not screwing around again...
I even leave my stuff wide open...she got mad...said she knew that what I was doing and if I leave my stuff around then I write for her..


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I know he wants to give me that piece of mind too. I actually have not asked to look at his computer. I keep thinking even if he did use it to email that girl, he's not dumb enough to not delete his tracks. I do admit I got on to the website for our phone bill and checked all the numbers he's been calling and they were all legit. That did give me piece of mind. I think its cool that you write for your wife. Everything I have read that you've posted, you are doing all that is possible, although it does take time so she knows this is not a temporary change. Hang in there, I really believe she will come around for you!


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Thank you...them words mean alot to me today.....funny thing is....when I snooped in her **** it was because I didn't trust her, because I knew what I did. I would find partial things which would make me crazier then when I found the whole truth.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

That is strange. Because of what he did (and I had not found out yet) he went snooping. He saw me texting...something unusual I only text him...so he called the cell phone company and got the number then called it to see who would answer. It was a guy, but a platonic thing and actually I'd told him about this guy already. (Long story purely friendship and I figured I could have a male friend since at that point he told me he was about 50/50 committed to the marriage). This happened all the night before I found the pictures. I guess a guilty conscious made him do the snooping, something he has never done before... 



hitrockbottom said:


> Thank you...them words mean alot to me today.....funny thing is....when I snooped in her **** it was because I didn't trust her, because I knew what I did. I would find partial things which would make me crazier then when I found the whole truth.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> That is strange. Because of what he did (and I had not found out yet) he went snooping. He saw me texting...something unusual I only text him...so he called the cell phone company and got the number then called it to see who would answer. It was a guy, but a platonic thing and actually I'd told him about this guy already. (Long story purely friendship and I figured I could have a male friend since at that point he told me he was about 50/50 committed to the marriage). This happened all the night before I found the pictures. I guess a guilty conscious made him do the snooping, something he has never done before...


It might be that he was snooping, but I have seen on these and many other forums so many times that people snoop becaus they have a gut feling something is wrong. Just something to consider.

draconis


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

True. I knew in my gut before I had proof that he was cheating. I knew him too well. For him, it might have been I just stopped trying so darn hard to work on things. I'm no longer texting this guy but I have nothing to be ashamed about. 



draconis said:


> It might be that he was snooping, but I have seen on these and many other forums so many times that people snoop becaus they have a gut feling something is wrong. Just something to consider.
> 
> draconis


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