# Bedroom problems



## Jimmy1980 (2 mo ago)

So we have been married for 22 yrs I’m 43 and my wife is a couple yrs older. We have 3 kids youngest is now 18. All through our marriage we have had discussions about sex and things wud improve in the short term. Now my wife does have a couple of medical issues and we have both put on a bit of weight from we got together. This last 10 yrs or so it has got that my wife will only want sex when she is fairly drunk. We wud txt during the day when I’m at work and she is too and I’d ask if we cud have sex that evening and she wud usually say yes. When we wud get home mostly I wud cook and after dinner I’d say are u still in the mood and nearly always she wud b too tired. I work 6-6.5 days a week but home every evening by 6:30 usually. My wife wud do very little housework or anything outside of her work hrs and either I cook or we get a takeaway dinner but still anything above once a week is a no no. I’ve tried suggesting cinema walks going out for a few drinks but turns all down blaming it on her medical issues. Then I’ll say the odd day sure I’ll take u out for a nice dinner and maybe we cud have a nice nite at home together afterwards. She wud agree say that sounds good. But usually on the way home she’ll complain bout being sore and then just goes to bed when we get home. I have a higher sex drive than her and just feel that if something doesn’t change soon I’ll have lived a whole life not being sexually fulfilled. Like is it possible to have a wife of 45 yrs old that is actually interested in having sex 3-4 times a week.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Jimmy1980 said:


> We wud txt during the day when I’m at work and she is too and I’d ask if we cud have sex that evening and she wud usually say yes.





Jimmy1980 said:


> When we wud get home mostly I wud cook and after dinner I’d say are u still in the mood and nearly always she wud b too tired.





Jimmy1980 said:


> I have a higher sex drive than her and just feel that if something doesn’t change soon I’ll have lived a whole life not being sexually fulfilled.


I'm sorry to say that texting your wife to ask her if you could have sex in the evening, while you're both at work Then passively following it up with, asking if she is still in the mood for sex after you've had dinner. Is terribly unsexy, uninspiring, and shows considerable low interest/desire from you for sharing sex with your wife.



Jimmy1980 said:


> Like is it possible to have a wife of 45 yrs old that is actually interested in having sex 3-4 times a week.


Yes there are plenty of wives, who are 45+ who want and have richer sex lives than yours.



Jimmy1980 said:


> I work 6-6.5 days a week but home every evening by 6:30 usually.


Also if you want a chance at sharing a better sex life with your wife. You will need to address the above.

Which comes down to what is more important to you. Is it having a better interpersonal relationship with your wife or is it working 6.5 days a week and coming home at 6:30PM?

Whichever you choose, one comes at the expense of the other.

At the end of the day, all that you are doing, guarantees you to be sexually unfulfilled. If you really want a chance at a different result, you will have to fix all of the above.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Well, if you want my frank opinion, things are not going to change. Your youngest is 18 so, if your sex life is very important to you and you feel unhappy, I would suggest going separate ways. You are still young. That said, once a week is not too bad. Is sex good, when it happens?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Success stories are extremely small for these situations. It takes a certain type of man to be able to turn things around and most men aren’t that type.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Jimmy1980 said:


> I wud cook and after dinner I’d say are u still in the mood and nearly always she wud b too tired.


Quit asking. Just take her by the hand and lead her into the bedroom. She needs you to be a man and take the lead.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Quit asking. Just take her by the hand and lead her into the bedroom. She needs you to be a man and take the lead.


^^^^This^^^^

I stopped asking or trying to schedule sex. I did exactly this. After our dry spell and my recovery, I had approached it by trying to talk to her. It was not very productive. 

Finally, she was in the bathroom doing her makeup and stuff and my blood just caught on fire. I walked up behind her, lightly bit herbon the neck and told her I wanted her to scream for me. Best damned afternoon in a decade!


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Jimmy1980 said:


> So we have been married for 22 yrs I’m 43 and my wife is a couple yrs older. We have 3 kids youngest is now 18. All through our marriage we have had discussions about sex and things wud improve in the short term. Now my wife does have a couple of medical issues and we have both put on a bit of weight from we got together. *This last 10 yrs or so it has got that my wife will only want sex when she is fairly drunk. *We wud txt during the day when I’m at work and she is too and I’d ask if we cud have sex that evening and she wud usually say yes. When we wud get home mostly I wud cook and after dinner I’d say are u still in the mood and nearly always she wud b too tired. I work 6-6.5 days a week but home every evening by 6:30 usually. My wife wud do very little housework or anything outside of her work hrs and either I cook or we get a takeaway dinner but still anything above once a week is a no no. I’ve tried suggesting cinema walks going out for a few drinks but turns all down blaming it on her medical issues. Then I’ll say the odd day sure I’ll take u out for a nice dinner and maybe we cud have a nice nite at home together afterwards. She wud agree say that sounds good. But usually on the way home she’ll complain bout being sore and then just goes to bed when we get home. I have a higher sex drive than her and just feel that if something doesn’t change soon I’ll have lived a whole life not being sexually fulfilled. Like is it possible to have a wife of 45 yrs old that is actually interested in having sex 3-4 times a week.


There ya go, you have your solution.
One fact I do know, the 2 best aphrodisiacs for women are money and alcohol. The 2 ways that helps women let down their inhibitions.
Buy her some expensive presents and get your wife drunk more often. I`m serious.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Personal said:


> I'm sorry to say that texting your wife to ask her if you could have sex in the evening, while you're both at work Then passively following it up with, *asking if she is still in the mood for sex after you've had dinner. Is terribly unsexy, uninspiring, and shows considerable low interest/desire from you for sharing sex with your wife.*


This needs to be shouted just a bit louder, from the back, so everyone can hear it. 

OP, take heed...if she is telling you she is open to sex, she is not shutting you down at the mere mention....but this is how you are showing her you desire her. Its the same as saying, 'Meh, I'd like to have sex with you, but your not really worth the effort to show you how much I lust for you.' Her response back to you is going to be equally lukewarm.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have to agree with Personal:
Quote [I'm sorry to say that texting your wife to ask her if you could have sex in the evening, while you're both at work Then passively following it up with, asking if she is still in the mood for sex after you've had dinner. Is terribly unsexy, uninspiring, and shows considerable low interest/desire from you for sharing sex with your wife.]

There was also another post titled "Do Husbands Unintentionally Stifle Their Wives Sexuality" which I wrote a very long-winded reply which would go right in line with what Personal said to you here. Unless you get this and understand it, talk with your wife and make changes yourself you can expect this to be the same.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jimmy1980 said:


> Like is it possible to have a wife of 45 yrs old that is actually *interested in having sex 3-4 times a week*.


Yes, for sure. Maybe more. Change your method(s) and approach that aren't working. Improve your appearance?



Jimmy1980 said:


> This last 10 yrs or so it has got that *my wife will only want sex when she is fairly drunk*.


What has changed if anything in these years other than both of you getting older? When she is "fairly drunk" whatever is holding her back (inhibition) is relaxed. Is it possible that she isn't attracted to you when sober?

You mentioned both of you have put on a "bit" of weight. Have you considered getting in the best physical condition to renew her interest? Believe that is what @ccpowerslave did. Was lot of work but believe he found it worthwhile.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> You mentioned both of you have put on a "bit" of weight. Have you considered getting in the best physical condition to renew her interest? Believe that is what @ccpowerslave did. Was lot of work but believe he found it worthwhile.


I did a lot of stuff including that. To be honest I like working out so if I’m not hurt it isn’t a big deal for me really to get to fighting weight if I am motivated.

Most important thing was to change my behavior to be more accommodating to her needs.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> important thing was to change my behavior


This + This = More of This


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Don't ever ask for (or accept) an advance promise of sex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Most important thing was to change my behavior to be more accommodating to her needs.


You did the opposite of the 180, which is usually recommended here.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You did the opposite of the 180, which is usually recommended here.


As I *recall* @ccpowerslave decided he wasn't going to live in a dead bedroom, so decided to work on himself undo his domestication without regard to whether his wife changed her mind or not. He was ready to hit the exit when ready if he had to. Isn't that the essence of the "180"? Stop doing what you have been doing and do the opposite?? 

@ccpowerslave, isn't that about how things went?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> As I *recall* @ccpowerslave decided he wasn't going to live in a dead bedroom, so decided to work on himself undo his domestication without regard to whether his wife changed her mind or not. He was ready to hit the exit when ready if he had to. Isn't that the essence of the "180"? Stop doing what you have been doing and do the opposite??
> 
> @ccpowerslave, isn't that about how things went?


I thought he decided to pay more attention to his wife's needs by doing stuff he didn't like doing. How is that doing the 180? But I might be wrong...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> You did the opposite of the 180, which is usually recommended here.





Rus47 said:


> As I *recall* @ccpowerslave decided he wasn't going to live in a dead bedroom, so decided to work on himself undo his domestication without regard to whether his wife changed her mind or not. He was ready to hit the exit when ready if he had to. Isn't that the essence of the "180"? Stop doing what you have been doing and do the opposite??
> 
> @ccpowerslave, isn't that about how things went?


I did both. I changed my behavior a lot and then nothing happened. THEN I did the 180 and ultimatum.

However, I think the response to the 180 and ultimatum was greatly tilted in my favor from the earlier work I did. As such I view it as a critical component. You can change yourself, you can’t change someone else.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> I did both. I changed my behavior a lot and then nothing happened. THEN I did the 180 and ultimatum.
> 
> However, I think the response to the 180 and ultimatum was greatly tilted in my favor from the earlier work I did. As such I view it as a critical component. You can change yourself, you can’t change someone else.


Ok, so you did the 180 after because your first change of behaviour didn't work? But when you did do it, she realised what she was missing...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, so you did the 180 after because your first change of behaviour didn't work? But when you did do it, she realised what she was missing...


Yes, exactly.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ccpowerslave said:


> I did both. I changed my behavior a lot and then nothing happened. THEN I did the 180 and ultimatum.
> 
> However, I think the response to the 180 and ultimatum was greatly tilted in my favor from the earlier work I did. As such I view it as a critical component. You can change yourself, you can’t change someone else.


Well said. I mostly agree with you for several reasons.

I feel that had I not changed myself first (aka Get a Life and started to make her feel loved and cherished in a non-covert-contract way) she would not have noticed that change is possible and that change can be positive. In that respect, I felt that I mentored her or lead her into believing that change can work.

I do think that some 180's need to come early in the personal change process. Being clingy about sex, trying to do covert contracts to get sex are all signs of being a looser and not sexy at all. One really needs to change those personal behaviors early in the process in my opinion. I think that they drive women away.

After becoming a much more integrated and manly husband, and having my wife's friends complement her on the good looking husband she had, she realized that I had options. In fact during Sex Therapy to reconcile, the ST told my wife that should my wife choose divorce rather than reconciliation, I would not have any trouble finding a woman who would be thrilled to have me and give me exactly the kind of sex I desired. In fact later when we updated our wills, the lady lawyer told my wife that many men get remarried within a year of their wife's death and wouldn't she prefer a will that prevented some bimbo from spending "her share of the marriage assets?"

While I agree with your statement, ".....You can change yourself, you can’t change someone else....." I feel that you left something out. What is missing is that "you can change the way you will allow yourself to be treated by others and you can provide your partner with positive feedback if they do something you like."

Another part of the reconciliation and healing process is to truly forgive the pain your partner has inflicted on you and for them to know that and for them to understand you commitment to the marriage. Long term spouses understand via non-verbal clues how you really feel about each other. As such one really needs to not only change themself and heal, but also change how they feel about their partner.

One of the things that really helped us was to think about, discuss and visualize what we wanted our marriage to be in 10, 15, and 20 years. That gave each of us a sense of commitment to the new dynamic in our marriage and what it would look like. 

Another thing we discussed was as we age, traditional sex may become more difficult for physical or medical reasons. Remember we were looking out long term in what our marriage was like. When aging or medical conditions interferes with sex, we both need to understand that it will require patience and commitment in the renegotiation in our definitions of sex and sensuality. 

Again, well said and congratulations for reconciling with your wife and rebuilding your marriage.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think there's too much wud in his life and not enough passion. Most women aren't going to become spontaneously excited when they catch a glimpse of wud. There needs to be something more.


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