# Question about staying in a sexless marriage



## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Sex is one of the most important aspects of a marriage. It keeps couples intimately close and forms a unique bond. Almost daily there are posts from people here who complain about being in a sexless marriage. If you're in a sexless marriage, especially if it's been that way for a long time, why do you stay? I know there is the love aspect but it seems like that should be reciprocated. I'm genuinely interested in why people stay in sexless marriages if they are not happy with it being that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I have stayed upon the hope that my wife would change for the better.

I had a vasectomy in November, as I was sure that her birth control posed a mortal blow to our sex life. Plus, BC seems to pose a mortal blow to some women's hearts and quality of life. Our sex life was moribund. Something had to be done. Plus, we were done with children.

That was five months ago. Things have gotten better somewhat, but I remain guarded. 

I think I also stayed for the kids. But I think I mostly stayed because I believed in marriage. I never considered divorce as an option. I do believe if she completely withheld sex, I would have been out like a fat kid in dodgeball.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

^^^^^A lot of "death" in that post above. My apologies.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Reasons I stay...

My vows... a man is only as good as his word

Some significant improvements for both of us (In areas outside sex)

I love my wife.

I want the kids to have both of us.

I firmly believe one day things will change and sex will not be an issue anymore.

You deal with the hand you are dealt.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Reasons I stay...
> 
> My vows... a man is only as good as his word
> 
> ...


Knowing the things you had posted around six months or so ago, I'm actually curious about what has changed outside of the lack of sex. Please know, I am NOT slamming, or trying to goad you in any way, T2. I'm genuinely curious what has changed, specifically with your wife. Has she spent less time with friends/more time with you? Did she cut out that specific person mentioned months ago, or do they still text often?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Med, I think a sexless marriage is almost always a symptom of other dynamics. People think everything is great except we don't have sex much. That's almost never true though.

I think you should read a couple of things and see if either one strikes a chord with your dynamics.

1. No More Mr Nice Guy.
2. His Needs / Her Needs.

These are quite different from each other but I bet one or the other will be enlightening. By the way, that first one is not saying you shouldn't be nice. Actually it says guys who think they are nice can be pretty passive aggressive, jekyll and hyde, insecure, etc. And His Needs/Her Needs is awesome.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Med, I think a sexless marriage is almost always a symptom of other dynamics. People think everything is great except we don't have sex much. That's almost never true though.
> 
> I think you should read a couple of things and see if either one strikes a chord with your dynamics.
> 
> ...


I'm not actually asking for myself - I'm genuinely curious as to why people stay. I am "in recovery" from a sexless marriage as well and it took me writing a very strong letter to my wife to finally make her realize why sex is important. So far, it seems like she gets it. 

A lot of people here seem to be content with just complaining about a sexless marriage - I was not and it took a very serious threat of me leaving for her to realize what she had to do. Yes, I realize there are vows that were taken but withholding sex and not being a willing sexual partner is incredibly selfish. Marriage is a give and take and part of that is making your partner happy.

In my case, and I realize I may be a rare case, a lot of our problems went away when we started having more sex. The biggest problem was my anger, which was in large part due to lack of sex, this all but disappeared. We communicate much better now as well and she's become much more affectionate with me. I'm also much more willing to do things for her around the house - when we didn't have sex, I viewed her requests as selfish and resented her terribly for it. Only time will tell if this is a permanent change, but so far so good. It wasn't easy to make things change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bukopandan (Apr 14, 2013)

MeditMike80 said:


> I'm not actually asking for myself - I'm genuinely curious as to why people stay. I am "in recovery" from a sexless marriage as well and it took me writing a very strong letter to my wife to finally make her realize why sex is important. So far, it seems like she gets it.
> 
> A lot of people here seem to be content with just complaining about a sexless marriage - I was not and it took a very serious threat of me leaving for her to realize what she had to do. Yes, I realize there are vows that were taken but withholding sex and not being a willing sexual partner is incredibly selfish. Marriage is a give and take and part of that is making your partner happy.
> 
> ...


But after your threat, did part of you ever feel like she's doing this because of it and not because she really wanted to? After 7 years I'm sick of talking and getting no reaction and my anger and resentment toward my husband is destroying me from the inside and I don't think I can take anymore. I don't want to have to force him to be with me .


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

bukopandan said:


> But after your threat, did part of you ever feel like she's doing this because of it and not because she really wanted to? After 7 years I'm sick of talking and getting no reaction and my anger and resentment toward my husband is destroying me from the inside and I don't think I can take anymore. I don't want to have to force him to be with me .


Only time will tell if she's changed because of the choice I gave her or if she's changed because she wanted to. For now it seems to be because she wanted to change - she's not very good at faking anything and has never been the type of person to do anything she doesn't want to, but like I said, only time will tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## althea0212 (Apr 6, 2013)

MeditMike80 said:


> I'm genuinely interested in why people stay in sexless marriages if they are not happy with it being that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Although sex is an important part of marriage, it is not the only reason why we marry our spouses. We need to go beyond knowing or realizing why sex is no longer possible for our husband/wife. It may be due to their health problems but there are many ways of being intimate and keeping our love alive. If my husband could no longer have sex with me in the future, I still want to remain as his wife and make our marriage work. After all, he is my husband in sickness or in health.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

My story is the typical "stayed for the kids and everything else was good". I thought that by sacrificing myself, my happiness and my needs I was doing the right thing by everyone.
When I realised it was the wrong thing to do by me, my kids and my ex, I called it quits. 
Was wrong for me because I was miserable and getting ill due to the situation.
Was wrong for my kids because it was showing them a poor example of marriage.
Was wrong for my ex because he would have stayed that way till death, he was unhappy but did not have the skills to fix anything or the guts to end it.

Now I look back and while it was a painful thing to do, divorce has actually turned out to be the best option. I am now with the right man for me, we are deeply in love and our relationship goes from strength to strength. The only regret is that it is not what I wanted for my kids but this is our life path and we are all doing well, happy and connected. We are still a family, just a different version of the family were once were.

Personally I think there is more chance to get back on track when it is the woman that is the sexless partner, when it is the man it is almost impossible for things to change.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Holland said:


> My story is the typical "stayed for the kids and everything else was good". I thought that by sacrificing myself, my happiness and my needs I was doing the right thing by everyone.
> When I realised it was the wrong thing to do by me, my kids and my ex, I called it quits.
> Was wrong for me because I was miserable and getting ill due to the situation.
> Was wrong for my kids because it was showing them a poor example of marriage.
> ...


I think I would tend to agree with that last part that you wrote. The more sex we have, the more often my wife wants it. I think the saying that women are creatures of habit rings very true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Med, I think a sexless marriage is almost always a symptom of other dynamics. People think everything is great except we don't have sex much. That's almost never true though.
> 
> I think you should read a couple of things and see if either one strikes a chord with your dynamics.
> 
> ...


That is the general consensus.... if it were that easy this forum wouldn't exist.

A sexless marriage occurs for a variety of reasons.

I will say usually there is more often than not an event or a series of events that lead to it.

That does not mean necessarily its "*almost always* a symptom of other dynamics."

Sometimes it just is.

Many other factors come into play... childhood, trauma, society, work-life balance, electronics, social circle...

Granted those books can sometimes help.
In reality it just is... until it isn't.

Usually its when the 'withholding' spouse decides they want to do something about it.
That is what changes the dynamic... a book may help to allow them to see the other opposite sex POV


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bukopandan said:


> But after your threat, did part of you ever feel like she's doing this because of it and not because she really wanted to? After 7 years I'm sick of talking and getting no reaction and my anger and resentment toward my husband is destroying me from the inside and I don't think I can take anymore. I don't want to have to force him to be with me .


I think Med is right on mark. He expressed an important boundary. That's what we all should be able to do is ask for what we want and not be afraid to get it when we ask. Cudos to him. To me him standing up and addressing this can only make him look more attractive to his wife and make her actually want to be with him more often, and it sets her up to feel like she's being the partner he want and needs. At least she knows one of his most important needs. To often couples don't even know what each other wants. Having expectations of your husband or wife (and your self) is a recipe for success.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Mrs. Gibson said:


> I find the sexless marriage threads a bittersweet comfort because it's a lonely business.
> 
> Together 20+ years, married 15, we haven't had sex in 10 years and that was just to conceive our second baby. Yes, you read that right.
> 
> ...


You say that you and your husband both have sex drives but it seems that you two view sex very differently. You said that you're submissive when it comes to sex, but have you tried seducing him at all since you're found your sex drive again?

In my case, my wife never lost her sex drive, but from talking to her it seems that there were a couple of issues. First one was my anger, this has gone down considerably since having sex on a regular basis (I told her it would, she didn't believe me, hahahaha to you Mrs. MeditMike80 lol). Second, my wife was a virgin (we did everything but intercourse while dating) when we got married and I'm the only relationship she's ever been in while I on the other hand have been in a number of relationships and have had 2 previous sexual partners. Our views on sex were completely different coming into our marriage - they have since merged a lot more mostly because of talking about it. I was used to women being as sexually aggressive as I am. She on the other hand is more like you, she's submissive sexually and wants me to initiate most of the time - not a problem for me, but she never communicated this until recently. Its sad to say, but I took her not initiating as not "wanting me" and it ended up building some resentment, hence the years of sexless marriage. Instead of initiating sex, I'd ask for, almost beg for it - a huge turnoff for her and me too actually. So it doesn't seem that my wife falls into the classic "low drive" sexual partner, she just wants someone to take charge - again not a problem for me at all. I just wish she would have communicated this years ago. Oh well, at least now I know.

I would say the thing that opened up our sex life more is forced communication. She grew up middle eastern Christian and affection and communication weren't really part of her upbringing - you can read the details in my first post ever on TAM about my mother-in-law who was a huge reason for how my wife acts/communicates. She's finally realized that for me communication, affection, and sex are extremely important. I need to feel that physical bond with her in order to continue to love her above and beyond friendship. That's the way I'm wired - and I think (HOPE) she finally gets that.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Of course she wanted you to man up and dominate her a bit. In most sexless marriages, this is what will get her wanting sex with you again.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some of us don't. After doing absolutely everything in our power to resolve the issue, sometimes the only thing we can do is leave.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Adex said:


> Of course she wanted you to man up and dominate her a bit. In most sexless marriages, this is what will get her wanting sex with you again.


I know where you are coming from, but it doesn't always work. In fact there are numerous women on here that would refer to that as spousal rape. Not all women want to be dominated, in fact many detest the idea


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I stayed because of a couple of reasons...

My vows were extremely important to me, as I value the sanctity of marriage, even though I am not a religious man.

The other greater reason is because I had become codependent to my STBXW's emotional and mental issues. I made it my responsibility to ensure she was safe, happy and taken care of. I took on the rolls that any functioning person would do for themselves. I did this all while neglecting my own issues and concerns.
After 13 years of marriage I had had enough of the lack of what I felt I needed in the relationship to be fulfilling and enjoyable.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

Adex said:


> Of course she wanted you to man up and dominate her a bit. In most sexless marriages, this is what will get her wanting sex with you again.


My post wasn't aimed at you and it wasn't aimed at you bragging about how alpha you are. I'd suggest you go back and read everything you can about it, because the way you're acting is not alpha at all, rather it's a beta-wanna-be-alpha attitude that you have.

You obviously did not read what I wrote, I never said anything about dominating my wife - I'm not a caveman - again, that's not what being alpha is about. I said that my wife expected me to take charge when it comes to sex and to be the initiator - big difference between that and dominating her. The problems with my wife stemmed from a communication issue, not the alpha-beta dynamic that you seem to break anything down to.

I'm providing a link to your post in the men's clubhouse here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/71690-beta-vs-alpha-my-marriage.html

It's important for everyone here to see that you are not actually being alpha but that you're being almost bullyish towards your wife.

For example, telling her that you make all the big decisions in the house? Really?!? That's not being alpha at all - that's being a bully. I suspect your wife relented because she's probably tired of being brow beaten by you. Marriage isn't about one person making the big decisions - it's about compromise and making decisions together. Someone who has a deep-seeded need to be the sole decision maker has some serious issues with self-confidence.

Another example that was laughable was the way you talk about having sex with your wife. I'm fairly certain that at this point she's probably just having duty sex with you if you require it three times a week. Do I personally enjoy having sex with my wife 3 or 4 times a week - hell yes, but only if she's a willing participant. If we don't have sex 3 times a week is it going to be a problem? Not if it's not a pattern. 

It seems like you went from being the beta in the marriage to being the insecure, over-compensating beta instead of being the alpha.

I sincerely hope, for your sake, that you never ever show your wife the posts you make on TAM. If I was you and my wife read what you wrote she'd be out the door so fast i wouldn't know what hit me. Kind of ironic considering you dedicated a bullet point to her being disrespectful of you.

It also wasn't a pulpit for you to make assumptions about something you know nothing about (my marriage). It was meant for those who are in sexless marriages because I'm genuinely curious as to why they stay - although I realize you have the freedom to respond as you like and to whom you like.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I have been staying "for the kids" and so I see everyday of my kids' lives and get to help shape their futures.

It has been very hard. And it is not sustainable.

I suppose at first I thought her withholding sex was a solvable fallout from childbirth, or her depression, or mine, or hormones, or meds, or many other things. And I tried to solve it, with little help from her. Back then, I hung on because I still had hope for finding a fix.

Now, hope is almost gone. And, I'm feeling if our fundamental issues are not being worked on by us both in the next six months, then the only humane thing is to divorce. That's probably the only healthy response I/she have left to show our kids.

So, I guess my final answer is: because it is not October yet.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MeditMike80 said:


> Sex is one of the most important aspects of a marriage. It keeps couples intimately close and forms a unique bond. Almost daily there are posts from people here who complain about being in a sexless marriage. If you're in a sexless marriage, especially if it's been that way for a long time, why do you stay? I know there is the love aspect but it seems like that should be reciprocated. I'm genuinely interested in why people stay in sexless marriages if they are not happy with it being that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I stay because I hope one day she will get it and get a healthy to high sex drive.

Marriage vows, respect to God and both sets of parents.

Second chance in life, another woman if things were the same again.

We get along fine, just not the physical sexually aspect on her part.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I stayed for the kids. I accepted the situation. My kids are more important than sex. It's not ideal, but there are worse things in life. We'll see what happens when the youngest flies the nest. At the moment, I'm concentrating on my job and family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Med, I think a sexless marriage is almost always a symptom of other dynamics. People think everything is great except we don't have sex much. That's almost never true though.
> 
> I think you should read a couple of things and see if either one strikes a chord with your dynamics.
> 
> ...


Or of very poor health by your spouse. 

Being in agony 24/7 most of the time really kills the sex drive especially if the act of sex hurts, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Or of very poor health by your spouse.
> 
> Being in agony 24/7 most of the time really kills the sex drive especially if the act of sex hurts, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very good point. 

There are many possible causes. Like the one you mention, some are completely physical, or otherwise pretty to see it's "not anyone's fault". There are books, like "The Sex Starved Marriage" that enumerate possible factors.

I'm pretty sure in my wife and I's case, the initial factors were physical and stress related, and nothing I think either of us would blame each other for or could have magically fixed at the time. 

The tragic thing is, where some make a mistake is to not deal with the presence of the elephant in the room very well. My wife and I failed in that way, I think. 

Despite our intellectual understanding of what the physical/stress factors were, and taking concrete steps to address them -- or, defer to address them until they could be addressed -- we failed to take action in the moment and every day to ensure that we didn't drift apart. Now, I'm pretty much convinced that what ever caused our initial LD/HD divide, we let it do damage, and LD/HD issues still haunt us for a different reason -- we are very much disconnected from each other and hurt.


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