# Let's talk numbers



## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

So, trying to figure out how much is a fair amount of money to demand. I have thrown a number, and he has thrown a number, and needless to say, there is quite a distance between them. He reminded me that he is still paying my health insurance, which he knows it is important for me to have. We are trying very hard to do this amicably because we do want to maintain some kind of friendship when this is all said and done. Just not sure. Child support alone in our state would be about $900. That's not counting spousal support. Not sure about the amount for that. Ideas? He said he would be broke!! I somehow at that moment felt no sympathy.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

You can't get less that the law statute says for your area. You can get more, but not less.

Don' let him remind you of anything. Get professional advice. When it gets this far, hearts get in the way instead of brains.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Camelia said:


> So, trying to figure out how much is a fair amount of money to demand. I have thrown a number, and he has thrown a number, and needless to say, there is quite a distance between them. He reminded me that he is still paying my health insurance, which he knows it is important for me to have. We are trying very hard to do this amicably because we do want to maintain some kind of friendship when this is all said and done. Just not sure. Child support alone in our state would be about $900. That's not counting spousal support. Not sure about the amount for that. Ideas? He said he would be broke!! I somehow at that moment felt no sympathy.


How long have you been married?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Dadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> You can't get less that the law statute says for your area. You can get more, but not less.


Actually, very often you can... So long as both parties and the judge agree to it.

But... DWTLG is right in that there's a lot more to it than what you're talking about here, Camelia.

Incomes, expenses, living arrangements, custody arrangements, debt allocation, division of education and medical expenses for the kids, etc... 

Talk to a lawyer. They'll want to do a financial discovery to figure out what you and your STBXH have to work with, and then they'll give you some advice on what you _can_ ask for and what you _should_ ask for.

And remember that just because one or the other of you is paying for something _now_, that doesn't mean you will be after. Everything can get shuffled around, so right now, him paying for your med insurance doesn't mean much... What matters more is will he still be paying for it after the divorce?

Talk to a lawyer.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

@ Conrad: 16 years


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Camelia said:


> @ Conrad: 16 years


Then he owes spousal support.

In many states, monthly spousal support will continue UNTIL you either:

1) re-marry
2) die

This is quite a bargaining chip.

Don't throw it away until you are happy with the other terms of the settlement.

Between child support and spousal support, he likely owes you 35-40% of his net take-home pay.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

You absolutely can get less than the statue outlines.

I know several guys who's ex's cheated and knew they were *****s and took little or nothing.

I think you pick whatever number you feel is appropriate. Sounds like you are reasonable enough to not go for the throat and that is impressive. Don't destroy his life just b/c you can. Sounds like you are in the right place.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

sd212 said:


> You absolutely can get less than the statue outlines.
> 
> I know several guys who's ex's cheated and knew they were *****s and took little or nothing.


I'm a good example of this... AXW and I make practically the same income. After the divorce we will have practically the same amount of time with our two teenage kids.

I offered to pay for all the school and extracurricular expenses, if she agreed that neither one of us would have to pay child support.

She decided she'd rather fight for full statutory child support... Somewhere between $900 - $1000 a month. A little less than a third of my paycheck. It would mean that I'd have to sell the house, instead of keeping it, and would have effectively destroyed my ability to maintain a decent home for the kids while they were with me. I would have been broke.

I stood my ground, and about a week and a half ago, the matter went before a judge... The _judge_ decided that I would pay her just $200/mo. in child support (about 1/5th what I should be paying, if we followed the state guidelines), and that education/extracurricular expenses would be split 50/50.

In the end, there was no real monetary difference between what I originally offered and the judge's ruling... If anything, I might come out a little ahead, overall. But it was a great waste of billable hours for the lawyers, and ended up being more complicated, logistically.



sd212 said:


> Sounds like you are reasonable enough to not go for the throat and that is impressive. Don't destroy his life just b/c you can.


No, please don't.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

$900 a month for child support?
Unreal and oppressive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

tacoma said:


> $900 a month for child support?
> Unreal and oppressive


Maybe... Maybe not... It depends on the circumstances.

In my case, the judge agreed with you.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Okay, I am not trying to be a b**** to him. However, I spent most of sixteen years being a sahm, and being the support system while he worked. When I did work, I was always the one who had to take off when the kids were sick, or had to come home, etc. The last time I was working full time, I was also running our household and raising our children practically alone. All of that stress caused a lingering mental illness to come on full force. All of the wonderful little coping mechanisms I had learned to used stopped working, and I was a mess. Two IOP stays, one inpatient, a new doctor a new diagnosis, and lots of new meds later, I am now on disablility. I did return to college and did well, but he resented it so much and cited it as well as my illness for reasons to leave me. The stress and emotional pain of the separation forced to me resign my spring semester. So here I am, two children, disabled, and having to start over without even a good career path right now. I don't expect the high life, and I don't expect him to provide for me forever, but I do however feel I'm due. And we're moving. Should my children be forced to live in a bad area or something because he didn't want to work on our marriage? I don't believe so. Anyway, looks like we will have to talk about it some more.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Camelia said:


> Okay, I am not trying to be a b**** to him.


Maybe you aren't trying, but you could be getting close to it, anyway. We just want you to be careful, because...



Camelia said:


> However, I spent most of sixteen years being a sahm, and being the support system while he worked. When I did work, I was always the one who had to take off when the kids were sick, or had to come home, etc. The last time I was working full time, I was also running our household and raising our children practically alone. All of that stress caused a lingering mental illness to come on full force. All of the wonderful little coping mechanisms I had learned to used stopped working, and I was a mess. Two IOP stays, one inpatient, a new doctor a new diagnosis, and lots of new meds later, I am now on disablility. I did return to college and did well, but he resented it so much and cited it as well as my illness for reasons to leave me. The stress and emotional pain of the separation forced to me resign my spring semester. So here I am, two children, disabled, and having to start over without even a good career path right now. I don't expect the high life, and I don't expect him to provide for me forever, but I do however feel I'm due. And we're moving. Should my children be forced to live in a bad area or something because he didn't want to work on our marriage? I don't believe so. Anyway, looks like we will have to talk about it some more.


When you let all those bad feelings like what you just talked about here inform your decisions over what is essentially a business transaction between you and your STBXH... That's when things start to escalate, and divorces get expensive.

You don't want the expense of the divorce to end up costing more than (or even a fraction of) what you get out of your settlement.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Well, just a little update. We had a discussion. It got a little ugly, then it got really ugly. Then I raised the white flag and we mutually agreed on terms that we both consider to be fair. And really, Pbartender, I don't want to hurt him. I just am trying to look out for myself and my children. I have plans to go back to school, but this time to take an 18 mth course so that I can have a career and support myself and the children. I do, however think it's only fair for him to support me during that time because if I had not been willing to take the backseat during our marriage, he would not have been able to do his job. I am just trying to be realistic about the immediate future.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Camelia said:


> Well, just a little update. We had a discussion. It got a little ugly, then it got really ugly. Then I raised the white flag and we mutually agreed on terms that we both consider to be fair. And really, Pbartender, I don't want to hurt him. I just am trying to look out for myself and my children. I have plans to go back to school, but this time to take an 18 mth course so that I can have a career and support myself and the children. I do, however think it's only fair for him to support me during that time because if I had not been willing to take the backseat during our marriage, he would not have been able to do his job. I am just trying to be realistic about the immediate future.


So, you've agreed on a number?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

tacoma said:


> $900 a month for child support?
> Unreal and oppressive
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I pay a lot more than that. My ex won't work more than 4 days a week, and my kids are in high school. She took everything, including half my pension. Fortunately, she doesn't qualify for spousal. She gets to claim poverty income, but brings in more than I do after I pay her child support.

Pretty common.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Conrad said:


> So, you've agreed on a number?


I am happy to report that we have indeed agreed upon an amount that we both consider to be fair. We also agreed on how to handle some mutual debt, like my car! My therapist said that we are doing really well in working things out because even though things got vicious for a little while last night, the fact that we were able to reign it in and speak to each other with respect and reach an agreement showed maturity and a desire to meet half way. Pats on the back for both of us.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Camelia said:


> I am happy to report that we have indeed agreed upon an amount that we both consider to be fair. We also agreed on how to handle some mutual debt, like my car! My therapist said that we are doing really well in working things out because even though things got vicious for a little while last night, the fact that we were able to reign it in and speak to each other with respect and reach an agreement showed maturity and a desire to meet half way. Pats on the back for both of us.


:smthumbup:


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