# Should I cease all contact with a married woman that is going through separation and



## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

My question is should I cease *all* contact with a married but separated woman I have been dating for the last 15 months while she is going through counseling with her husband? 
Or do I still keep in touch such as emails, text maybe even occasional phone calls? 

We are no longer together, we broke up, well she broke up w/ me 2 weeks ago. So no more intimacy, dates, etc. 

I agreed that I wouldn’t move on with anybody else and wait for her to go through this process by stepping out the picture, but that I would still be here waiting for her. I did this because I am confident that this will not result in reconciliation with her husband and she will finally be able to get past that mental hurdle of completing the divorce. 
I believe this because she still loves me, I love her, we have a great relationship and the reason that she is even considering counseling has nothing to do with love or wanting to be with him, its mainly guilt because he wont let go and that she has some sense of obligation to the marriage no matter if she is unhappy. I was there many years ago and I know that isnt a recipe for a successful reconciliation. 

The reason she is going to counseling is that her husband was pushing for it and is refusing to get divorced. 

She does want to divorce and move on with me but she feels guilty pursuing it with her husband fighting it all the way. She already has the feeling of a failure and for breaking up a family (6 year old son) to add to the guilt. 

I don’t want to get in the way of this process and want her to be clear headed when she eventually has to make her decision as to divorce or not. I want her back with a guilt free mind who is finally at ease at moving forward in life with me. 

So, with that additional insight, what should I do?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Honestly? Stay the fvck out of it! Until it's over. 

As a man who had OM take his wife... with a 3 yo daughter. 

I understand you may not be the reason for her leaving her husband, but come on... any SENSIBLE person wouldn't stand in the way. 

She knows you're there. Don't contact her. At all. 

If /when she's ready for you, she'll come to you. 

For you to even consider / be there with that woman, IMO... shows no honor! If she was to wake up, she'd think the same thing "Wow, he was banging me while I was trying to work on things with my husband, why should I trust he won't walk out on me?" 

But, just as that can be said about you, it can be said about her too! If she's banging you while she's "Working on her marriage" what makes you think she won't do it to you?


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

I dont quite understand your response. Here is more insight. 

She separated from her husband 2 years ago.
There was no reconciliation going on this whole time, just separation. 

9 months after she separated we met. 
We had been dating for the last 15 months (until 2 weeks ago). 

She began the process of divorce 2 months ago. 
This is when the husband began pushing for counseling. 
This is when we began having problems. 

She agreed to go to counseling to help her get through this and possibly help him move on. 
But, I know there is a possibility that she’ll decide to reconcile. 
I also know that if she does it will be because of guilt, a sense of obligation to the marriage and because she just wont be strong enough to break it off with her husband fighting it. 

So there is no lack of honor or distrust here.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> My question is should I cease all contact with a married but separated woman I have been dating for the last 15 months while she is going through counseling with her husband?


DISGUSTING 

You know why ? Because dating you may "help " her divorce her hubby ! 
Something you should NOT be involved at any means !! Period !




> She began the process of divorce 2 months ago.
> This is when the husband began pushing for counseling.
> This is when we began having problems.
> 
> ...



Haven't seen such a c0cky and arr0gant ba$tard for awhile !

Who the he11 you think you are ? 

If she R with her hubby means she is STRONG enough to recognize her faults and even STRONGER person by dumping an a$$hole like you !


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Honestly? Stay the fvck out of it! Until it's over.


I am staying out of it, but im asking to want extent? Complete no contact or some contact such as emails, text, phone calls, etc? 

We broke up and are no longer involved intimately. 

I don’t want to screw up their process. 

I fully expect for this to end in her finally being able to get divorce and move on with me. Its what she wants and I want. 

I am asking more from a marriage counseling perspective, is having ANY contact detrimental to that process. Its not a full counseling for reconciliation of the two. They don’t have 2 parties that are asking for the marriage to be saved. Its 1 party that wants that and the other that wants to be able to transition out of it.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

BigMac said:


> DISGUSTING
> 
> You know why ? Because dating you may "help " her divorce her hubby !
> Something you should NOT be involved at any means !! Period !
> ...


I am sorry as it coming off as arrogant but I am just providing the accurate details of the situation.

Again, separation there was no reconciliation. 

She moved forward to divorce that is when her husband pushed for counseling. 

Now that she will begin counseling we are not together. 

She doesn’t want to reconcile. She does want to move on me. But not with her husband fighting it. 

These are just the accurate details of this situation.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

You need to stop all contact and leave them alone. If she gets a divorce she will look you up and you can get married. You can then see how it feels about 5 years later when your getting screwed over


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Stratos -- 

This is just weird. Unless your GF and her STBX are in counseling specifically designed to get them to work out an amicable co-parenting agreement, it seems insane that she has agreed to MC at all. 

I can understand having her go to individual counseling, having her ex go to IC, have their kid go to family therapy. But MC together, given that they've been living apart for 2 years and she has a 15 month long committed relationship with you?

I think I would go dark on her. It seems to me that there are either some real issues that she needs to work through (in which case she needs time to herself), or she is not respecting the relationship that the two of you have by renewing contact with her STBX. In that case you need to think about your boundaries -- is it okay for her to talk to her ex about *anything* that isn't directly related to her child or to the nuts and bolts of the divorce? If not, then it seems that you say to her "if you are going to rehash your relationship with your ex and go through counseling in which reconciliation is a possibility, then I can't see you during that process. Doing so undermines both our relationship and the effectiveness of your MC. Let me know when your divorce is finalized."

And yes, it isn't just not being intimate with her, going dark means no contact.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Stratos said:


> She does want to divorce and move on with me but she feels guilty pursuing it with her husband fighting it all the way.


This is cake eating BS by her. Two years? Guilt? If she wanted out, she could be out by now.



Stratos said:


> I am asking more from a marriage counseling perspective, is having ANY contact detrimental to that process.


Yes, but that's not your real question. Your real question is - should you keep banging this married woman while she's in MC with her hubby?

You need to cut all contact. Tell her to call you when and if she ever divorces.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I would stay out of it completely. Do not get into any emotional conversations with her. Especially about her therapy sessions and husband. She may be looking for someone to talk to about what is going on in counseling and any emotional connection like that can gum up the process. On the flip side if she seriously doesn't plan on this counseling leading anywhere she shouldn't be leading her ex on simply to make her feel better.

I personally would explain that you don't want to be a undue influence on her in this process and leave contact to a very minimum at best. Preferably no contact.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

jdlash said:


> You need to stop all contact and leave them alone. If she gets a divorce she will look you up and you can get married. You can then see how it feels about 5 years later when your getting screwed over


I don’t think the other guy in this case is getting “screwed over”. I don’t think she has done anything wrong unless falling out of love with her husband of 10 years and leaving a marriage that she was miserable in. 

She was married, separated after years of unhappiness and then pursued divorced. 
No infidelity. No wrongdoing on either end. 

Now, even though she doesn’t want to reconcile and wants to divorce, she is agreeing to counseling for him. 

The person that would be getting screwed is her if she agrees to reconcile. She’ll be unhappy to be in a loveless marriage with someone she doesn’t want to be with and he would get what he wants by having his wife back. 

The way she has handled it reinforces my belief in how good of a person she is.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> Yes, but that's not your real question. Your real question is - should you keep banging this married woman while she's in MC with her hubby?



Here we go , that is exactly what he is asking !

@Stratos , by doing this you're showing her how low lever loser you're !

By disrespecting her hubby you're disrespecting her too !

You know what will happen ? As soon as she find a better one she'll dump you and leave you crying like a wussy !

Or she may understood already what for lusa you're , and is why she is thinking of R !


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It probably doesn't matter what you do.

1) If she goes into councelling thinking it won't ... it WON'T

2) No matter how you feel about her, the chances that it will last is slim. You are just a transition person. Statistics proove this.

3) If she is seeing you before the divorce is final, then she would do that to you too.

Run..Run Fast!!


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I would stay out of it completely. Do not get into any emotional conversations with her. Especially about her therapy sessions and husband. She may be looking for someone to talk to about what is going on in counseling and any emotional connection like that can gum up the process. On the flip side if she seriously doesn't plan on this counseling leading anywhere she shouldn't be leading her ex on simply to make her feel better.
> 
> I personally would explain that you don't want to be a undue influence on her in this process and leave contact to a very minimum at best. Preferably no contact.


Thank you for being respectful and rational in your response. This is what I am looking for.

And this is also what I was thinking but last night she text me with a very message. More a just fun hello. I responded with a light hearted response and that was it. 

With this happening is why I am asking how to handle this.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Stratos said:


> The way she has handled it reinforces my belief in how good of a person she is.


:slap: Yes, with this much integrity, she sounds like a real keeper.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> This is cake eating BS by her. Yes, but that's not your real question. Your real question is - should you keep banging this married woman while she's in MC with her hubby?
> 
> You need to cut all contact. Tell her to call you when and if she ever divorces.


What is wrong with you guys on here? It seems like most of you guys are jaded. 

I stated in my post, emails, texts and maybe phone calls..just that...we are no longer intimately involved nor is that what I am looking to do.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

But you still have expectation that she will return to you, right?

You need to assume, she will not!


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

dormant said:


> It probably doesn't matter what you do.
> 
> 1) If she goes into councelling thinking it won't ... it WON'T
> 
> ...


Thank you for what I believe to be your honest opinion. You might be right.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Stratos said:


> I dont quite understand your response. Here is more insight.
> 
> She separated from her husband 2 years ago.
> There was no reconciliation going on this whole time, just separation.
> ...


She has been with you for 15 months, but chose to break up with you to go to counseling and try to reconcile with her husband?

If she loved you, she wouldn't bother with the reconciliation attempt. She is feeding you a line. The only reason she didn't tell you it is over 'forever' is because she wants you there as a backup plan if the reconciliation doesn't work.

How is that ... the OM is the backup plan! First I have seen of this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wow, a lot of people triggering big time... Stratos, some people feel that being separated is the same as being married, so seeing someone while you're separated is cheating.

I've been separated for almost two years, and I've been seeing someone for most of that time. The big difference between myself and your lady friend is that my wife and I haven't spoken one word of reconciliation or counseling or anything. 

Personally, in your case I would likely ask her what she wants. Let her drive the amount of communication. But you should also keep in mind the possibility/probability of her getting back with her husband and making another go of it. I wouldn't make any promises that you'll be there when she finishes whatever she needs to do with her husband.

C


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

dormant said:


> But you still have expectation that she will return to you, right?
> 
> You need to assume, she will not!


Your right but I just cant. 

If she didn’t love me or still loved her husband and that is the reason we broke up I can accept that. 

But, she loves me, I love her, we had a great relationship, how can I just let that go knowing everything that I know. 

I figure, if she doesn’t come back that enough time would have past that I can then accept that she is gone and move on. I just cant move on right now.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> Wow, a lot of people triggering big time... Stratos, some people feel that being separated is the same as being married, so seeing someone while you're separated is cheating.
> 
> I've been separated for almost two years, and I've been seeing someone for most of that time. The big difference between myself and your lady friend is that my wife and I haven't spoken one word of reconciliation or counseling or anything.
> 
> ...


Thank you and I do realize that she might reconcile. 

I feel it wont happen just knowing everything that I know about her, her feelings about him and why she would even decide to reconcile. I went through something similar too and returned to my wife because of guilt, a sense of obligation, a sense of doing something for someone that stood by all my crap and it didnt work. I dont think it can work under those circumstances and reasons. 

She doesnt know how to handle the communication thing between us either. A little, a lot, none at all. Thats why im on here for opinions, no matter how harsh and emotionally charged they are.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stratos said:


> Thank you and I do realize that she might reconcile.
> 
> I feel it wont happen just knowing everything that I know about her, her feelings about him and why she would even decide to reconcile. I went through something similar too and returned to my wife because of guilt, a sense of obligation, a sense of doing something for someone that stood by all my crap and it didnt work. I dont think it can work under those circumstances and reasons.
> 
> She doesnt know how to handle the communication thing between us either. A little, a lot, none at all. Thats why im on here for opinions, no matter how harsh and emotionally charged they are.


Then I'd stick by my last sentence... Let her drive the communication. She knows how to get in touch with you, so let her do that. Rather than you "pushing" into her life.

C


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Stratos said:


> But, she loves me, I love her, we had a great relationship, how can I just let that go knowing everything that I know.
> 
> I figure, if she doesn’t come back that enough time would have past that I can then accept that she is gone and move on. I just cant move on right now.


Stratos 
I understand that you are confused and maybe a bit frustrated by the wrench that your GF has thrown by agreeing to go to counseling with her STBX.

I'll repeat my earlier advice -- unless she and he ex are specifically in MC to work on skills to become better co-parents post-divorce, it is WEIRD that she has agreed to MC at all and raises some red flags.

You need to see this an an opportunity to work on your boundaries. I would not be okay with my partner going to therapy to rehash a relationship that ended 2 years ago. To me, this would be a sign that he didn't respect the current relationship. I *would* understand individual counseling, and I would understand if the ex asked my partner to provide (one time only & in writing) answers to some of the questions that typically plague the left behind spouse. 

If you move forward in your relationship with your GF, then her ex will always have some presence in your life (because they have a kid together). If you don't have firm boundaries on what is okay now, it will lead to problems down the road.

So -- no contact. It won't help you, and, yes it completely undermines the effectiveness of any MC. Which may be what you think you want -- to kill any chance of R -- but think about it. If your GF has lingering feelings for her ex, if she has nagging doubts about your current relationship and therefore wants to explore things with her ex, you are SO MUCH better off letting her go. Let her figure out her life and contact you when the divorce is finalized.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Stratos said:


> I don’t think the other guy in this case is getting “screwed over”. I don’t think she has done anything wrong unless falling out of love with her husband of 10 years and leaving a marriage that she was miserable in.
> 
> She was married, separated after years of unhappiness and then pursued divorced.
> No infidelity. No wrongdoing on either end.
> ...


Oh, I'm sorry she fell out of love. In that case, good luck to you when your relationship isn't always exciting and she falls out of love with you. Falling out of love simply means that someone doesn't have the ability to commit and fight to stay in love. Marriage and love takes work. REMEMBER the reasons that she told you she no longer loves her husband and eventually you will hear those same reasons why she doesn't love you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

How much harder is it to reconcile if there is another man in the picture?

How difficult is it for her to think right now?

How much more difficult is it for her to think with another man in the picture?

Some random thoughts.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

jdlash said:


> Oh, I'm sorry she fell out of love. In that case, good luck to you when your relationship isn't always exciting and she falls out of love with you. Falling out of love simply means that someone doesn't have the ability to commit and fight to stay in love. Marriage and love takes work. REMEMBER the reasons that she told you she no longer loves her husband and eventually you will hear those same reasons why she doesn't love you.


Well we just have a different idea of marriage. 

I too was married and have been in many relationships. I have a great grasp of my feelings and emotions. 

Marriage isnt is a life prison sentence. 

If I am in a marriage with someone that tells me they no longer love me or has fallen in love with someone else, I wouldn’t want to be married to that person. I understand that going in to any relationship, marriage or not.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

If you are so sure of your relationship with her what do you have to worry about by backing off? You don't sound so much **** and arrogant to me as afraid?

There are two sides to every story and i am guessing you dont have the husbands version of events.

Sounds to me like you personally may have done nothing wrong in this so far but if she is choosing MC, you will be stepping with both feet and a massive stride into "being a ****" territory.

You can't always believe what you other half tells you. At some point she promised her husband they would be together for ever. If they had been, you owuldnt be here asking. Don't be so sure what she has told you about wanting a divorce is true. If it is she will confirm the desire for divorce and come back to you. 

If that happens and you have been interfering in any way, well the fact yuou have come here and asked speaks in your favour. Right now you have played no part in splitting up er family. Do you really want that on your conscience. If/when she comes back to you, do you really want to be left thinking maybe she would have gone back to her husband if i'd stayed out of it? 

Sounds to me that getting involved would introduce doubts on her final choice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Go full NC. She is trying to get back with her husband. Yes they are still married. IF she wanted to spend her life with you she would not have gone back to her husband.

For your own good you need to move on. She does not know what she wants. Run away.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

K.C. said:


> If you are so sure of your relationship with her what do you have to worry about by backing off? You don't sound so much **** and arrogant to me as afraid?
> 
> There are two sides to every story and i am guessing you dont have the husbands version of events.
> 
> ...


But that is why I am here is to just get opinions as to how much contact if any I should have. 

She doesn’t know either. 

And I am fully confident in, if I am out of the picture completely, meaning absolutely no contact, she will return. I am confident in that her husband’s reconciliation attempt will fail because of everything that I know.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Stratos said:


> Well we just have a different idea of marriage.
> 
> I too was married and have been in many relationships. I have a great grasp of my feelings and emotions.
> 
> ...



The truth is, I was you 10 years ago. It's exactly as I've stated. I'm exactly the same as her ex husband and will soon be another ex husband for her. All of the reasons that she fell out of love with him are now the same reasons she has fallen out of love with me. I was only giving you advice based on my own situation. 

Not all people or situations are the same. Just be careful and give her time to get divorced before moving forward.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Stratos said:


> Well we just have a different idea of marriage.
> 
> I too was married and have been in many relationships. I have a great grasp of my feelings and emotions.
> 
> ...


This woman just told you that. UFB. What are you really looking for here? If it is advice on what to do here then great you are getting it. But is seems you just want to be validated that you pursuing this other man's wife is OK. I think getting involved with a separated woman was foolish. Then again maybe you were part of the reason for the separation. We will never know the truth of course.

Good luck but the heck outa Dodge.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If you are sure, then you know what you have to do. Continue with the NC, and sit back and wait for her. What you will have to ask next is how long you are willing to wait, in case you are wrong.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Yup. Completely different aspect of marriage. 

May I ask, what happened in your last marriage? 

Marriage isn't suppose to be a life "Prison" , suppose to be a commitment you make out of love.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

dormant said:


> What you will have to ask next is how long you are willing to wait, in case you are wrong.


Yea and that I dont know. But, I figure that by the time I know that its not going to happen Ill be in a better place to accept that it wont.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Yup. Completely different aspect of marriage.
> 
> May I ask, what happened in your last marriage?
> 
> Marriage isn't suppose to be a life "Prison" , suppose to be a commitment you make out of love.


I dont want to get into my marriage because it will derail the purpose of why I came on here which was just to get opinions about the very specific issue in my situation. I know I cant put too much weight on what I get on here because I can only provide so much details but it has helped.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

It really make me sick to see all of you giving him advice on how to do 180 and NC to a married woman in MC !

TO ALL that advice him this : One day you ALL will stand in her hubby's shoes , KARMA will bite you ALL and I'm anxious to see you CRYING here " I'm in MC with my STBMXW and she still sees the posOM , PLEASE HELP ! "

Shame !


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Stratos said:


> But that is why I am here is to just get opinions as to how much contact if any I should have.
> 
> She doesn’t know either.
> 
> And I am fully confident in, if I am out of the picture completely, meaning absolutely no contact, she will return. I am confident in that her husband’s reconciliation attempt will fail because of everything that I know.


Then prove it to yourself. Have as little contact as you can,. ideally none.

I can't see what good could possibly come out of staying in the picture.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I think he should find a more stable woman. If in 15 months or w/e she still decided to go to MC with stbx.. . I don't need xray vision to see the outcome of that relationship. 


If I gave him NC advice it was to leave them two alone to settle their shiz with no interference.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

Just to be clear, I am not wishing that the reconciliation attempt will fail. Its just based on what I know about this situation I firmly believe that it will. I cant see based on the circumstances involved that it could possibly work. So when it does fail, because we are both in love and had a great relationship, why not it be me that gets to be with her and be happy instead of someone else out there if I choose to just give up on it forever. 

If the reconciliation attempt of her husband leads to a reconnection of a family being together, she is happy and they live a long happy life together, that would be great. I would be happy for her. 

But I don’t see that happening.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Stratos. Don't listen to any of the extremes here. You know what to do in your heart. As far as how long to wait. Just play it by ear. You will know when the time comes what to do. Trust your instinct. You sound like you like this women very much, but by coming on here you have shown your heart is in the right place. You don't want to be the wedge between this women and her husband if that is what they want. Our opinions mean little. Though I must say mine was the most moderate.  So I win!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Stratos. Don't listen to any of the extremes here. You know what to do in your heart.



NW if he was dating your STBMXW would you advice him the same ???


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Stratos. Don't listen to any of the extremes here. You know what to do in your heart. As far as how long to wait. Just play it by ear. You will know when the time comes what to do. Trust your instinct. You sound like you like this women very much, but by coming on here you have shown your heart is in the right place. You don't want to be the wedge between this women and her husband if that is what they want. Our opinions mean little. Though I must say mine was the most moderate.  So I win!


Thank you. 

I know this is just a message board with people that can hide behind anonymity who sometimes provide opinions that are delivered in a manner they would never do in real life to people they don’t know. I know how to pick through the BS and the ones that are genuine and rational. 

Sometimes, as in my case, its difficult real life situations that are currently happening and involve people that are really seeking help. 

I think this has helped me and I appreciate it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> :slap: Yes, with this much integrity, she sounds like a real keeper.


i don't understand..What did she do?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

BigMac said:


> NW if he was dating your STBMXW would you advice him the same ???


 That would require that I was trying to reconcile with my wife. And I'm not.

They have been separated for 2 years and the only thing I'm telling him is there is nothing wrong with being friendly and in contact with this women. Leaving plenty of space for her to make her own choices. He knows what crosses the line here as do we all. It is up to him to walk that line as he see's fit. My original post said 'preferably NC' and I still stand by that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Stratos said:


> Your right but I just cant.
> 
> If she didn’t love me or still loved her husband and that is the reason we broke up I can accept that.
> 
> ...


kids can be a reason


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ding ding ding

End of round two. Pretty woman walks around ring with sign.

Okay, keep your dukes up and get back in there fellas.

ding ding ding


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> i don't understand..What did she do?


For one thing, she is going to MC with her husband and telling her boyfriend that she doesn't know how much contact with him is appropriate. 

Any woman that is a keeper, knows the answer to that question!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

To me I would move on. If she is going to MC then there most be some part of her that wants to save the marriage. I am sure this hurts to hear some of these comments but most people on here are just telling it to you straight. I hope this helps even though I am sure this is not what you want to hear.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Op, I am curious though..

What kind of counseling are they going for ?

Ad from the looks of it, her husband will offer her everything she asks for, promise any change she wants. And she will want to try again for a year or two. Then what ?

And if they have kids, an incentive to keep the family together might be greater than desire to be with you.

How long are you willing to wait for her ? And do you plan to date others in the mean time ? Would it bother you if they start sleeping together again during this period ?

Waiting on her to end the marriage without a deadline may not be a good thing for you...


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think the big 'red flag' for the OP is that they were separated for 2 YEARS.

I am thinking that if I was away from my wife for two years, and seriously dating someone else, I would know what I want. 

The only way I can see myself agreeing to do counseling with my wife at that point would be because I was secretly hoping to reconcile the entire separation.

After a month or so, I could see myself going back because I felt sorry for her and I wanted to help her get accustomed to being apart. 

But after 2 years!!!!! I think she is playing with you. She is doing the MC because she wants to reconcile. She isn't breaking you off completely because she wants you around in case it doesn't work out. 

I am sure it is difficult for you to believe and to see (because you are in love) but I think you are Plan B.


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## Stratos (Dec 5, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think the big 'red flag' for the OP is that they were separated for 2 YEARS.
> 
> I am thinking that if I was away from my wife for two years, and seriously dating someone else, I would know what I want.
> 
> ...


Knowing her and her actions I don’t believe that to be the case. 

She does know what she wants but there are barriers she hasn’t been able to overcome to obtain it. 
She did take that step towards divorce and her husband pushed back. 

She is already feeling guilty as it is, the additional push back has raised that guilt to an unbearable level. She is not strong enough right now to be the one to put the nail in the coffin with the corpse fighting to keep the coffin door open. 
If there was no push back we wouldn’t be here. 

And she broke up with me. I am the one that told her about me waiting and sitting on the sidelines until what I believe will inevitably happen. She didnt want that from me because she felt it was unfair to me. I am the one that insisted on it and that made it okay for her. 

Of course, you might be right and I might be delusional. Time will tell.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

This is why rebound relationships rarely work out. I would advise keeping your distance and going NC because your exGF does not know what she wants. It's kind of like if you were married to her and she had an affair and wanted to separate to "find herself". If you love her, let her go. She'll come back if her love for you is real and IF you still want her, maybe things will work out for you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> For one thing, she is going to MC with her husband and telling her boyfriend that she doesn't know how much contact with him is appropriate.
> 
> Any woman that is a keeper, knows the answer to that question!


I don't understand why she didn't just tell her husband to screw-off...it's been two years. Maybe her parents are bringing pressure to bear, maybe she is feeling religious pressure or pressure from the children to give her ex-h another chance.

After two years WITHOUT him, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for ex-h. It is ENTIRELY POSSIBLE, OP, that she is just 'checking off the boxes' before moving on to the divorce.

As others have stated, let her drive the level of communication and interaction with you. As long as you are cognizant of all the possible (not just LIKELY) scenarios, you should be able to protect yourself and continue on smoothly with your life until she indicates her level of commitment to you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Stratos said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I know this is just a message board with people that can hide behind anonymity who sometimes provide opinions that are delivered in a manner they would never do in real life to people they don’t know. I know how to pick through the BS and the ones that are genuine and rational.
> 
> ...


If I were your friend IRL, I would smack you upside the head and tell you to leave this woman alone and move on with your life. If you decided to keep after her, I would move on myself.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You oughta just give her the space she needs and let her come to you if she's so inclined. 

She's got plenty on her plate to deal with right now and you're probably a welcome distraction on one hand but overloading her on the other.

Let her get her divorce well underway and work out the details with soon to be ex husband and if she finds her way back to you then great, if not, realize that there are plenty of single unattached people out there who are ready, willing and able to move ahead with a relationship who aren't tied down with pesky little details such as divorcing a spouse and rewriting their livess in a totally new direction that they never expected.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> She separated from her husband 2 years ago.
> There was no reconciliation going on this whole time, just separation.
> 
> 9 months after she separated we met.
> ...


Honest to God, Mac, do you even READ the threads? Or do you just see 'uh, woman not divorced yet...no good cheating b1tch, no-good scum-sucking interloping POSOM'.

Maybe you can follow along....

24 months ago woman left husband.
Husband apparently didn't give a flying cr*p.
15 months ago woman MET original poster.
Husband still didn't give a flying cr*p.
Woman and OP were doing well, husband still didn't give a flying cr*p.
2 months ago woman FILED FOR DIVORCE from husband.
NOW husband gives a flying cr*p.
NOW husband wants to "try" wants to "reconcile" blah, blah, blah.
Husband is attempting to make woman feel guilty because NOW husband has had his a-ha moment and HE doesn't want a divorce!
There was never any "AFFAIR", never any sneaking around cheating on her husband. So *HOW* could woman have "gotten out of the fog"? What fog? Why is OP a 'loser' (sorry, I don't do the 'tragically hip' spelling you're so fond of)?

Just because your wife dumped you (a la island of the dumped spouses) doesn't mean EVERY woman is a lying cheater or EVERY man is a wife-stealer. If YOUR wife was, that is too bad, but it just DOESN'T APPLY in this situation.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Honest to God, Mac, do you even READ the threads? Or do you just see 'uh, woman not divorced yet...no good cheating b1tch, no-good scum-sucking interloping POSOM'.
> 
> Maybe you can follow along....
> 
> ...


:rofl:

Post of the Year.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Honest to God, Mac, do you even READ the threads? Or do you just see 'uh, woman not divorced yet...no good cheating b1tch, no-good scum-sucking interloping POSOM'.
> 
> Maybe you can follow along....
> 
> ...


She didn't file for 2 years - why ? Maybe she was waiting for her hubby to try to get back ?

He did his " bs bs " - she is back in R , why ? She love him ?

She left , NEVER file but get OM , why ? Is this not cheating ?

She is still married and try to get back to her hubby , OP want her back , why ? He isn't a loser trying to help to divorce a married woman ?

She dumped him , why ? He is now not "sneaking " her hubby back ?

What my X did to me has nothing to do with his thread ! Why are you mention it here ?

No other arguments and you're trying to " touch " me ? Very low move of you 

Are you really getting wiser ? If yes then is very very slow , I'm sorry for you !!!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

There was the separation, but now there is an attempt at some form of reconciliation or something that is making the wife re-think her relationship with the OP. These are two different scenarios. 

Now that the wife and husband are trying to reconcile, for whatever reason, and she has asked to break off the relationship with the OP - then IF the OP continues to try to maintain the relationship he DOES become a POSOM / "wife stealer".

The OP should back off respect the R and go NC - for their sake and for his sake.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> There was the separation, but now there is an attempt at some form of reconciliation or something that is making the wife re-think her relationship with the OP. These are two different scenarios.
> 
> Now that the wife and husband are trying to reconcile, for whatever reason, and she has asked to break off the relationship with the OP - then IF the OP continues to try to maintain the relationship he DOES become a POSOM / "wife stealer".
> 
> The OP should back off respect the R and go NC - for their sake and for his sake.



Thank you :smthumbup:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BigMac said:


> Thank you :smthumbup:


There's better ways to get your point across than calling the OP a "motherfvcking lusa" and "insecure creep", though. The post you quoted was one that might actually keep the OP coming back for more advice.

C


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

PBear said:


> There's better ways to get your point across than calling the OP a "motherfvcking lusa" and "insecure creep", though. The post you quoted was one that might actually keep the OP coming back for more advice.
> 
> C


On TAM is called piece of s1#t other man , I just used another words !


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> There was the separation, but now there is an attempt at some form of reconciliation or something that is making the wife re-think her relationship with the OP. These are two different scenarios.
> 
> Now that the wife and husband are trying to reconcile, for whatever reason, and she has asked to break off the relationship with the OP - then IF the OP continues to try to maintain the relationship he DOES become a POSOM / "wife stealer".True. She DID ask him to NC which he agreed to and did. Then SHE contacted him to say 'hi'. He is wondering how to handle this since she asked him to NC and then broke her own request. OP should let HER lead.
> 
> The OP should back off respect the R and go NC - for their sake and for his sake. Yes, I can see where her vacillation is confusing to him.





> She didn't file for 2 years - why ? Maybe she was waiting for her hubby to try to get back ?Maybe she needs his medical insurance; maybe she's waiting for financial reasons; Maybe her legal counsel has advised waiting; Maybe she's waiting for him to win the lotto and she can get 1/2. I sincerely doubt she waited for TWO YEARS (while dating others) in the hopes that Prince Charming would see the error of his ways!
> 
> He did his " bs bs " - she is back in R , why ? She love him ?She loves their 6yo. Maybe she wants to be able to say she 'tried everything'; maybe she wants to prove to Hubby that counseling/therapy/whatever has been tried and nothing will change her mind.
> 
> ...


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

:lol:

I'm so glad I just spent three minutes reading that.

Laugh. Out. Loud.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm "touched" I could make you laugh! :lol:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I never used to think it was that big of a deal to date men who were separated, either. Until the man I was seeing announced to me that his STBX 'just couldn't bring herself to sign the D papers'. Ya. Fun stuff.

I don't consider it cheating at all, though. Just a waste of time! Move on OP!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Ouch, CandieGirl! Thank God for no-fault divorce; it must be hell to be held hostage by a spouse who wants you in a marriage that YOU want OUT of! 

OP and this woman have 15 months invested in this relationship. It IS possible that this relationship has immediate serious long-term potential and she's just sweeping up the remains of her old mess. Only time will tell on that front. 

As long as OP is cognizant that their relationship together is NOT a shoe-in (absoutely gonna happen, done-deal, a 'given'), then he can prepare for EITHER potentiality (break-up OR moving forward).

Hang in there, OP, and let us know how it's going. Not everyone is in YOUR corner, but there are a few fair of us here (and some of us apparently fight 'dirty')! :rofl:


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I never used to think it was that big of a deal to date men who were separated, either. Until the man I was seeing announced to me that his STBX 'just couldn't bring herself to sign the D papers'. Ya. Fun stuff.
> 
> I don't consider it cheating at all, though. Just a waste of time! Move on OP!



When I met my husband, he was separated too. His wife had left him, 3 weeks before.

IMO, I don't see the big deal on dating separated guys either, specially when the other spouse left them. They abandoned and gave up on the other spouse. When that happens, the marriage is over.

Im sorry that that happened to you. He obviously wasn't over his wife either. Hopefully, you found someone much better!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> OP and this woman have 15 months invested in this relationship. It IS possible that this relationship has immediate serious long-term potential and she's just sweeping up the remains of her old mess. Only time will tell on that front.
> ]
> 
> 
> ...


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