# How do you move on.



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Hey guys my wife of 19 years just split on me with another man. I'm so confused and lonely. How do you get past it. I'm ready to move on. I just can't get certain thoughts off my head. Some days I'm really good others in the dumps. Was just looking for any inspiration.


----------



## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I will tell you what I did. I dated my wife from High School. We been together for 15 years total (our son is 4). She was the only women I ever been with. One day I came and my wife told me its over, and refused to give a second chance, or give me explanation. I was a total mess, but nobody saw that. Nobody likes weak people. So what I did hired personal trainer, start working out 6-7 times a week, went to tanning salon. Registered to Audible.com. Bought new BMW start practising autocross. Now I getting ready for LSAT exam and planning to go to Law School. In between I go out with my friends every time I have a chance. Stay away from alcohol, it makes you more upset. Wake up life is beautiful!!!!


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Yeah. I dig that. Nobody has a clue I'm going through hell at the moment. I've been getting my head around a few business related ideas and coming up with an overall plan for myself.


----------



## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Doing things for yourself is great; especially exercise. Even when you don't think you have the energy, get up and do something. Go for a walk. Join a gym. Endorphins are a secret weapon and shortcut to feeling better, if only for a short while.

I'd also suggest individual counseling, although I know not everyone is open to that. If you're not, try journaling and imagery. Get out all of your thoughts and feelings and picture your brain just being drained of all the negativity and sadness. Might sound a little hoky doky, but you'd be surprised at what works.

Other than that, accept the fact that 19 years with someone is not wiped away over night. Give yourself time to grieve, and time to heal. I know the feeling of just wanting to hurry up and feel better and get on with life, but it doesn't work that way. Consider your emotions to be like a broken bone. It has to be castes and given time to heal without use until the cast is ready to come off. Find a support system to be your cast. I'm finding the people here can help immensely with that. And although we are complete strangers, that's sort of the beauty of the site. It's okay to cry and be vulnerable. There's no one here who will judge you because we're all in the same boat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I agree exercise is a great thing for getting the endorphins flowing. I find cycling best for me...out in the open air and challenging yourself to take on big hills. I have also bought Tony Horton's Power90 in home exercise program which is helping shift the pounds and sculpt muscles - it is a great 180 device! He also has a boot camp one called P90X but it was a bit too intense for me as I have lower back issues.

Socialising with friends is a must...even if you don't feel up for it. Sitting around home feeling sorry for yourself will get you nowhere.

Individual counselling has been good for me as well. Forcing me to look at the bigger picture and concentrate on the here and now rather than regretting past decisions or fearing the future.

I am 1.5 months into a separation signifying the end of a 17 year marriage. I was the dumpee and feel it will take me much longer to heal than her (she seems to have moved on already). So I am no expert but the above strategies as well as getting advice from the folk on this forum have helped me a great deal.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I've been trying it all, dropping weight, trying to go out when I can. Seeking advice from friends, family and TAM. Some days I doing okay.. than others not so good. The early mornings are my weakest, just like you Mothra, my ex seems to have healed and moved on without a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

It's such a slow process. First I picked myself up after three weeks of emotional paralysis. I then started IC, journaling, talking with friends, Church men's group (some are dumpee's). I read self help books, and lots of physical exercise. I cannot stress how important physical exercise has been for me. I always feel good during and right after my work outs. I stopped working out at home and started going to the local gym. This forces me to get out of the house and socialize with other people, both men and women. I've made new friends this way and can get my mind of my situation. 

Not saying this is what you should do, but I purchased a motorcycle so I could do something just for me when the house was empty. It's fun and requires total concentration. You can't day dream and ride (or live). You have to focus and get into it. Really gets my mind off my emotions and problems. I also have friends who ride bikes, and that gives me another opportunity to socialize. 

I keep my house clean and organized. Nothing starts me off on a bad day like a dirty disorganized house. Just because my wife left doesn't mean I will become a helpless slob. I also started cooking from recipes. I've started to refine my skills from the back yard BBQ hack, to a novice home cooked meal chef. 

I guess these are some of the small things I have done over the last 20 months to keep moveing. They are nothing spectacular, and aren't for everyone. In between all this I have bad days, tears, regrets, and get ambushed by memories. The key is to get back up, keep at it, and take baby steps. Also, remember it's ok to have bad days, or even several bad days. There are times when I just needed to lie down on the couch for a few hours. Rest is important as well. It doesn't mean you have failed. I wish you well.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Thanx guys for your support. 
I have been doing a lot of cooking I do really enjoy it. I also garden(starting to think it may be my calling) as well as work out. At the moment being social isn't one of strong suits. Nevertheless there are times I'm really good at it. 
I do like the idea of being married again maybe have another kid. 
Just afraid to jump into another relationship. I now know what it's like to be hurt by someone you care for. I don't want to do the same to someone else. Been hanging out with my kids more as well. My support system is great. It seems whenever I'm in the dumps someone callus. 
This by far is one of the hardest time of my life. At times I can't wait to see what Ill make out of all this. I can't quite say I miss her. But I do miss our relationship. 
I can't help but to think there is someone out there for me.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> I've been trying it all, dropping weight, trying to go out when I can. Seeking advice from friends, family and TAM. Some days I doing okay.. than others not so good. The early mornings are my weakest, just like you Mothra, my ex seems to have healed and moved on without a problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't bet on it.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

@ Conrad. Don't bet on what? That's she's moved on. I feel the same as upndown. In a strange way it kind of helps me to move forward.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

TLH,
Your W may appear on the surface to have moved on but underneath it is not the case. Women detach emotionally long before they leave the relationship. Of course I don't know your wife but she probably has low self esteem and will be "borrowing" the self esteem of her male suitors (if any) to make herself feel better. This is false happiness and not genuine. She is hurting just as much as you are but is just better at hiding it.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

@miva. She does real good at not showing it. Although the way she is acting is nothing I've ever known from her.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The only thing that has worked for me is exercise, meds, posting here on TAM, and staying as dark on my STBXW as I can. 

No superfluous communication whatsoever unless it is for the divorce business, and then keep convos short and to the point.... no small talk. Hang up on her if she tries to talk personal sh*t. Don't answer chatty e-mails. 

Get yourself a hobby. Learn a skill that will challenge your mind and body. Do something to make yourself feel young again. Get out and become a better you. Buy yourself a new set of nice clothes. Get your hair cut and styled in a way you ever had before... etc.

And remember, your wife's new relationship has at most a 5% chance of success. Relationships built on adultery almost never last. After a while, she'll realise her dream man isn't as dreamy as she thought. She may try to come back, but I'll wager by that time you will have moved on and decided she's not wort the effort. 

Just keep on keeping on. Time will round off the sharp edges and after a few hard months you will start to move on and detach from her. We have all done it, you will too.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Who knows guys. She's been seeing him now for under a year. It's been a long distant relationship but I know he flys in to see her. How often I don't know. 
I want to be at the point where it doesn't mater how long they're together. I'd rather just forgive her. That way I'm truly not bothered by what she does.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

TLH,
Think positive. Some other guy now has to deal with her sh!t. He won't see it in the beginning because of the dopamine rush and the newness of it all. Trust me, a point will come where he realizes that she burps, farts, and has lots of bad habits and personality quirks like anyone else. On top of that, real life will set in and bills will need to be paid, the car will break down, people get sick, etc. An AP does NOT want to deal with this. They just want the sex and attention WITHOUT the baggage. Bring the baggage, the affair goes south, hence the less than 5 percent success rate listed above. Affairs are about fantasy, not reality.

I agree with bandit on how to heal from this experience. The less contact you have, the more you can emotionally detach and heal. I take a different approach that works for me. My STBXW and I get along well. We talk daily, mostly for the kids but do ask about each other's day and share difficulties. She knows we cannot be married due to her multiple infidelities but for the kids we can be civil. In time you won't be bothered by what she does and she will soon become just another woman like those you dated in the past. There is something better out there for you when you are ready to look. YOU are in control now, don't give your control to your W. As it is said often here, just let her go....


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Thanx Minva. 
I have begun to let her go. At the moment I despise her. Not quite where I want to be. But at least my day isn't consumed by thoughts of her.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Despising her is okay. A little temporary hate works well to help you detach. Just don't let it get the better of you. 

Just go dark for at least six months to a year. When you have detached, then you can try being friends. Pursue the divorce in the meantime.

Hav you filed for Divorce? If not you need to NOW to protect your assets. Sometimes filing can knock the wayward out of her/his dreamworld and make them come back to the marriage.... sometimes not. Either way you wil be further along in detaching.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Well it's been just under a month since I found out about affair. 
Must say I do feel better than I did then. I mean I still have my bad days but the worst day will never compare to the day I found out. 
One day at a time.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

It's good to hear you're pulling through. At first you really don't see how you can face another day, and then slowly time does its work on you.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Well not sure if any of you guys remember me. But here's a brief update as to what's been going on in my life. My wife left me and my kids about a year ago now (9-10 mnts ago). Anyhow things are a lot better for me now. I've started to rebuild my life in ways I never thought I could. Don't get me wrong I still have my bouts but somehow make it through. My Dr swears she'll come back one day. Who knows I can only leave that up to time. I've met great people and have began to start a new business. Yet I still feel sad at times. I was with my ex for about 20 years so its kind of weird for me at times to not have her to talk to about some real cool stuff that's been going on with me and the kids. She only comes around to see the kids once a month. My Dr says I shouldn't reach out to her. I have so much I want to tell her. Anyway that's all the time I have to talk about this right now. Just wanted to say thanks to all of you that took time out to send me a little love. For you news people going through this it does get better. Trust in time and believe in yourself. Sounds corny as hell but works. 
Peace


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

The lost Husband said:


> Well not sure if any of you guys remember me. But here's a brief update as to what's been going on in my life. My wife left me and my kids about a year ago now (9-10 mnts ago). Anyhow things are a lot better for me now. I've started to rebuild my life in ways I never thought I could. Don't get me wrong I still have my bouts but somehow make it through. *My Dr swears she'll come back one day*. Who knows I can only leave that up to time. I've met great people and have began to start a new business. Yet I still feel sad at times. I was with my ex for about 20 years so its kind of weird for me at times to not have her to talk to about some real cool stuff that's been going on with me and the kids. She only comes around to see the kids once a month. My Dr says I shouldn't reach out to her. *I have so much I want to tell her.* Anyway that's all the time I have to talk about this right now. Just wanted to say thanks to all of you that took time out to send me a little love. For you news people going through this it does get better. Trust in time and believe in yourself. Sounds corny as hell but works.
> Peace


I bolded two comments that I have serious questions about here...

If your wife is with another man, kick her to the curb, I don't want to sound callous (and I'm really not one to talk, I hold onto a slim ray of hope that mine will love me again) but after she's been gone that long, I would think the only way to really get full closure is to let go of even the idea that she'll be back. 

Is she still with the other guy?


----------



## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Go get yourself another female. Heck, it worked for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Haha. Right on guys I dig it. Perhaps I should clarify what I mean by "come back". By no means am I waiting on her come back to fall on love and ride off into some sunset. She walked out on her family. So her return can be very crazy. I mean that in every sense of the word. In fact she's sent me text suggesting she may want back in. Hell yesterday was my bday and to my surprise she wished me a good one. Keep in mind we haven't spoke really in about a year. Not to mention another text saying how great she thinks I am and how I am now the man she's always wanted. It crazy man. But I'll never try to get into another's brain. WAY too big for me. From what I understand she is still there but weather or not she pushes to get back with me that relationship is doomed. 
I've moved on for the most part I've beside the fore mentioned have found a woman that fits extremely well with my life and is super down on going slow. Anyhow thanks for the replies.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

You sound like a success story to me, LH. Well done, man.

Is the divorce final yet? How are the kids doing?


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

rickster said:


> Go get yourself another female. Heck, it worked for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would strongly recommend this. Get a bunch. It will do wonders for your self esteem, and moving on to a better life.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

@GT. the kids are doing very well considering. Both of their grades have greatly improved. They have been my strength through this whole thing. 

And yeah I get a bunch! Hahaha


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Well it's been a year, and I'm doing great. I celebrated it by going to Belize with a beautiful new friend. 
The road goes on. Not so lost anymore. Thanks for all your help. 
Peace


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Lost,

Maybe using the cooking or gardening is a way to jumpstart your social life. My town has a gardening club, maybe your town has one also?

One of our supermarket chains has cooking classes that might give you a chance to meet some new people. Additionally, the supermarkets are an interesting place to check out the ladies.

Good luck buddy,
Stretch


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Right on man. I love gardening one of my favorite things. I'm slated to speak at few gardening workshops.


----------



## Democritus (May 10, 2013)

@The lost Husband

From someone going through the early stages of separation, you're story is inspiring. I'm using many of the same tactics to get through; I can only hope they're as successful for me!


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

@Democritus
It's a wild roller coaster ride, but you eventually get use to all the twist and turns as well as the ups and downs just like any other ride. It sounds corny but living 5 mins at a time is how I got through a major part of this. I mean I'm not completely out of the woods but I do see hell of a lot more light. It gets better way better. Good friends/family always helps most of all I found staying focused on self to be the best thing for me. 
Always remember you're stronger then you know. Time happens, let it.


----------

