# Any advice?



## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Hello all. I never knew this site existed until now. Great support site from some of the threads that I have read. So here it goes...

My wife wants a separation. Back story-
Together for 7 years, married 2, 5 yr old and 1 yr old children.

I work 4 days on and 2 days off - from 8 am to 10 pm. My wife, a stay at home mom, asked me if I was cheating on her. I told her no. I told her if she did not believe me, she could drive to my place of business (31 miles away) or call me there, rather than my cell. I have no reason to be unfaithful.

Recently, through snooping, I found out that she has been talking to a male friend via text and FB IM, sharing stories (which I am okay with) and intimate dreams (which I am not), drunk texting to meet up, and hiding (by deleting) texts and IM's. I asked my wife if she was having an EA. She said no. 
Two weeks ago, she went out one night on girls night out. I asked her to have fun, but be home by 3 am. At 3:30, with her not here, I started texting her and calling her, but to no avail, no answer. I called her 4 times, then her female friend she was with, then her again 3 more times. I text her 3 times. I called once more. She finally answered. She said that they had to drive another friend home who was to drunk. I'm good with that. However, when I asked her where that was, she replied, "An hour away." However, she could not tell me where. Snooping again, I looked on her friend's FB and noticed they "checked in" someplace other than my wife said. She finally arrived home at 5:15 am. By this time I'm so frustrated and angry, I left to work. Since then, she has changed all her passwords and will not give them to me. She stays in the bedroom behind closed doors on her phone. She says I'm acting crazy. And now wants a separation.
Is she craving a fling with guy? Using the separation as a means... She has become very short with conversation. We do not talk while we are both home unless it involves our kids.


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

I apologize if this is a bit choppy, but I'm frustrated and not clear-headed due to being blind-sided.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you work 8-10 4 days a week with 2 days off.. you are not around much. this is most likely very hard on your relationship. It's pretty predicable that a marriage will fall apart when a couple does not spend enough time together.

Whatever you do, do not move out of your home and do not let her take your child with her and move out. See an attorney to find out how to prevent her from moving with your child.

Your wife's either cheating or getting close to cheating.

Are you at a point where you want to save the marriage, or are you just ready to divorce her?


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

In my opinion it will only get worse. She's obviously lost respect for you and her marriage at this point. Her actions are pretty transparent at this point. Get yourself an attorney and start your divorce. Believe me it will minimize your suffering.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry to say but most likely she was with him.

You should read this,

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Drizzt

Yes. Your wife is lying to you.

Now she is hiding her activities from you.

Your hours are bad but her behavior is worse.

Get this thread to moved to Coping with Infidelity.

Then get access to her phone. You need to find out what she is up to.

Do not move out. She wants a separation then show her the door.

The kids are a big issue however.

You need to find the truth.

Why does a married woman have to go out to all hours of the morning to party with her friends????

Are her friends single????

And if you do separate get a formal agreement with conditions.

Because if your wife is screwing around or wants a separation to screw around you should let her know that will result in a divorce.

The key is you have to mean it.

Buy a 2 VAR's and hide one in the house and one in the car. You will know the truth shortly.

HM


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Well, after a few days of arguing, regardless of what was said and done, it's over.
I know she sent out some paperwork (unknown content) but am pretty sure it's for custody, child support, and spousal support.
Is there any advice on how I should proceed? I'm broke. We live paycheck to paycheck and can't afford an attorney. The free consult was a joke. No legal advice given... unless I commit to them with $500.
A friend of mine told me to take out a loan under my name. We have 2 non-joint accounts and no joint accounts. 2 cars under my name only. All bills are under my name. The only thing she has with her name on it is the lease. I don't want to be taken to the cleaners. I do want to continue to be there for my children.
I live in Texas, and know that the court always favor the mom for custody unless proven that she is a bad mother. She isn't. She's as good of a mother as I am a father.
I know I'll get visitation. I'm not worried about that at this point. My two main concerns are: will the court take more for monetary support than I can handle and not be able to live off of? And, how can I ensure she doesn't bad mouth me to our kids and then they end up disliking me?
I know my 5 year old daughter is smart enough to process what is happening and won't allow her mom to dictate her thinking, unless it's a continual bashing of me. That is, with my work hectic schedule, she can easily tell my daughter, "Well, daddy would rather work than be with you." And our 1 year old son is too young to know still of how good I try to be with him. I don't want her to mold him to her beliefs of me.
Ugh... I'm emotionally drained and monetarily incapable of getting the right help.
I'm afraid that my emptiness is going to get filled with bitterness and anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

@EleGirl- I'd love to save our marriage. But she's already in the mindset that it's over. I can't change her mind. 2 nights ago, both of our children fell asleep in my arms and I started balling. I am not the crying type. It's been close to 20 years since I shed a tear (when my grandmother passed away)
I'm good at absorbing emotions and re-channeling them in a positive way- usually humor. But as a last ditch effort, I went to my wife and pleaded to not end this. Her reply was a simple, "No. Call me apathetic, but no."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Last night, my daughter cried a little with me. She asked me who was going to sleep with her and keep her safe. My only reply was, "Jesus." Then I told her, "But if you ever feel lonely, or scared, or just want to talk, ask mommy to let you use the phone and call me. If you need me, let me know and I will be there for you." I know it's a little bit of a lie due to knowing that if my daughter needs me at 1 or 2 in the morning, I doubt her mom will let her call me, much less, let me come over. Extremely frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

@happyman64- yes. All her friends are single. She hangs out with 2 in particular who were cheated on and left by the father of their children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

I'm not sure, but I have my suspicions that when she goes out, she smoke out. I have no proof of that. And I don't even know if that is any grounds for me to get custody. Can the court order a hair folical test? Would it matter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

The worst feeling is always thinking about your kids wanting you and you not being able to be there when they cry out.

Also, nice name it made for a flashback.


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Kolors said:


> The worst feeling is always thinking about your kids wanting you and you not being able to be there when they cry out.
> 
> Also, nice name it made for a flashback.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Yup:/ sure is.
Thank you. One of my favorite comics and adventures, I'll just say, a while back.
Not to necessarily make myself feel old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Update: she filed for assistance and received food stamps. Also, she told me I am supposed to get served with papers for custody and child support.
If I still live in the same domicile as her (not going anywhere until the fat lady sings - I love my children too much to lose out) is this some kind of fraud?
Can/should I report her. I want my children to have what they need, but their mommy in jail is something I don't want them to see. Don't get me wrong, if it happened and that led to me getting custody, I'd love it, but I don't want to see hurt in their eyes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drizzt (Oct 12, 2013)

Also... I'm not sure, but I think my wife has gone out to ...wherever.... and smoked out.
I can't prove it, but she smelled of it and had her eyes a little glossed over. Why don't they drug test for assistance?
Can I ask a drug test to be part of our custody hearing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I think you really have to have them caught in the act, anything else is just your word against hers. I really doubt anyone would order a drug screen based on the words of a STBX. If she gets pulled over intoxicated or has drugs on her then you can go after that.


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