# As a BS, do you feel like damaged goods?



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.

I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive". 

Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of _those guys_. It doesn't generally effect me or bring me down, but that stigma is there.

Thoughts? Do you feel like damaged goods? Are you tainted? Are you carrying around all this baggage now?

How does it make you feel?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Mostly, no. I don't. Except for every once in a long while, something hits me right between the eyes and I'm right back to D day. Triggers do fade with time, but it looks like they may never entirely go away. So yeah, once in a while I do feel damaged. I am damaged - there's nothing I have ever lived through that was as devastating as what he did. Nothing even close. I don't know how anyone could possible NOT be damaged from it.

The trick is to live THROUGH the bad times and not wallow in them, and definitely not stuff them. Even the bad triggers can be used as recovery tools. Whether you're with the WS or not.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

The-Deceived,

You seem to be progressing much faster than I would have guessed a few months ago. I remember telling you that you would be here helping others in a couple of years to get through the pain that you felt.

Good work!

As a BS (full of b.s. too), I still have times where I feel the damage. It is has progressively lessened since the d-days, the bad attempts at R, the D, the dating, and now the happily re-married part.

I find myself loving my new wife because she is different. She is also similar in some ways to the exWW. I feel I trigger mildly when she does things that haunt me from those good ole cheating days of the ex. 

My damage seems to be a permanent thing when I compare myself to my old me. 

Change? I guess a more positive way to look at the "damage" is by thinking of it as change. I have changed.

The thing that scares me is that I can't love as freely as I ever did in my prior mental state. I would prefer to love blindly, and know that it would be returned. 

My trust for my exWW would never be there. That is why the D was better for me than R.

My trust for my new wife will likely never hit the 100% mark, even though she has not done anything to damage it. Maybe 98%.

What I am saying is that the carefree days of being married no matter what to my love are gone. I have a stronger determination to never go through the hell again. I also doubt I would ever be as devestated again. Even if my beautiful, sweet new wife decides to have an affair, it wouldn't be nearly as deep of a hurt as was the first time with the ex.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Mostly, no. I don't. Except for every once in a long while, something hits me right between the eyes and I'm right back to D day. Triggers do fade with time, but it looks like they may never entirely go away. So yeah, once in a while I do feel damaged. I am damaged - there's nothing I have ever lived through that was as devastating as what he did. Nothing even close. I don't know how anyone could possible NOT be damaged from it.
> 
> The trick is to live THROUGH the bad times and not wallow in them, and definitely not stuff them. Even the bad triggers can be used as recovery tools. Whether you're with the WS or not.


Sounds like generally you're doing great though, I'm happy for you. Strong woman.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.


First off, congratulations for making the decision to cut that cancer out of your life and free yourself. It will be tough, but once everything is done and the ink is dried, you will live again, and well.

x-BS here and no, never felt like damaged goods, and neither should you. The dating world actually confirmed that I am refurbished goods Better than before and I actually dated a few women that told me they waited for me to be back on the market.

You are going to open yourself up to alot of exciting possibilities and like me, wish you had made the decision to divorce much sooner.



> I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive".


That right there should tell you that you are not damaged goods. Like wine and scotch, better with age



> Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of _those guys_. It doesn't generally effect me or bring me down, but that stigma is there.


If you are divorcing her, then you aren't a cuckold. And being cheated on says nothing about you, but everything about her character


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> The-Deceived,
> 
> You seem to be progressing much faster than I would have guessed a few months ago. I remember telling you that you would be here helping others in a couple of years to get through the pain that you felt.
> 
> ...


Thanks brother. My family (esp. my mom and dad) told me from the start they knew I would be a happier, healthier person, and that I would find someone amazing. Hard to believe when you're neck deep in anguish. But man, were they right. 

Totally OT - but check out my new song. I wrote it, played all instruments (except for the drums), sang and produced it. My best work yet, thanks to my new life and new outlook.

www.aaronpenton.net/gun.mp3

Funnily enough, the lyrics were written pre-D day. 

In terms of loving freely and with total trust again - that I don't know about. I'm not at that stage yet, but I wonder if I'm a less trusting person now. Probably. I agree with what you said about it not hurting as bad if it happened again. I think we BS's build a bit of a wall around our hearts after the misery of betrayal. 

I'm also more tuned into cheating behaviors now. Looking back, there were signs. My stbxw is a very, very damaged, insecure person with low self esteem. The woman I'm seeing now is the polar opposite. Super confident, competent, intelligent and sexy as hell. A vibrant, sparkly woman. 

Time will tell, I suppose, how deep the damage is. I know not every woman is a cheater. I know that's an irrational thought. 

There's no question, though. A WS has forever changed who you are, to the core. In some ways for the worse, in many ways for the better. I'm definitely more of a "man" than I was before. My confidence is higher than ever.

Odd.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> First off, congratulations for making the decision to cut that cancer out of your life and free yourself. It will be tough, but once everything is done and the ink is dried, you will live again, and well.
> 
> x-BS here and no, never felt like damaged goods, and neither should you. The dating world actually confirmed that I am refurbished goods Better than before and I actually dated a few women that told me they waited for me to be back on the market.
> 
> ...


Thanks, great post. I LOVE the "refurbished goods" bit. Brilliant and 100% accurate. 

I'm really happy for you as well. Put a smile on my face.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Nope, I'm not damaged goods in the least. I don't think anyone who's been fooled around on should feel like they are either. As it's not you who made them choose to step outside the marriage.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Mtts said:


> Nope, I'm not damaged goods in the least. I don't think anyone who's been fooled around on should feel like they are either. As it's not you who made them choose to step outside the marriage.


Good to hear, my friend.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Love the song! You are really talented!!


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Love the song! You are really talented!!


Thank you!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Even though my wife betrayed me and in my case I was very much in love with her and a good husband it has made me feel like a bit of a loser at times. Like I wasn't able to keep a marriage together with someone I loved dearly.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Be less trusting, even that means not being naive and always being aware, nothing wrong with that.

I think being cheated on teaches harsh lessons about life, some people are built in with distrust and at the first sign of trouble cut and run...others not so much.

You should be glad you have a clean start and are with someone you can enjoy being with. What is in the past is now the past. Be aware but also enjoy life, after all the BS you are more than entitled to it.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Even though my wife betrayed me and in my case I was very much in love with her and a good husband it has made me feel like a bit of a loser at times. Like I wasn't able to keep a marriage together with someone I loved dearly.


The cheater is the loser, not the deceived.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

One more thought about the stigma before I head home to my new love.

The stigma for me is always the feeling that I did something to make her cheat. People on the outside usually want to lay some of the blame on the BS. Not to start up with the gender stuff, but I feel it is worse when people look at a BH.

Society often assumes men are the arseholes and women are the victims. I would add that I don't feel this at all here on TAM.

The stigma is based on that view that why would a sweet woman cheat. He must of deserved it. Totally false, but I do feel that sometimes from the pop media or in conversations with people in general.

The silver lining is that you and I were put in a position to marry-up to a better woman. Faithful men in a middle-aged singles market have a huge advantage, imho.

It really doesn't matter what the outsiders think. I know the truth, and I sleep well at night.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, women get told that their husband would never have cheated if they had only kept him happy in the bedroom. It isn't only men, believe me.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

I wonder if part of the damaged good feelings come from the wayward spouse gaslighting their BS.

I think its common for cheaters, when caught and worried about being judged by the community, try to paint the BS as some sort of monster or blameshift. My x-wife did this and it backfired on her. She lost many friends over it.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Be less trusting, even that means not being naive and always being aware, nothing wrong with that.
> 
> I think being cheated on teaches harsh lessons about life, some people are built in with distrust and at the first sign of trouble cut and run...others not so much.
> 
> You should be glad you have a clean start and are with someone you can enjoy being with. What is in the past is now the past. Be aware but also enjoy life, after all the BS you are more than entitled to it.


This woman I'm seeing has made me step outside of my comfort zone, man up, and realize my confidence. 

Forgive me, but I feel compelled to show off and post her picture. We have serious attraction, chemistry electricity. 

Swoon.


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> This woman I'm seeing has made me step outside of my comfort zone, man up, and realize my confidence.


Dayum. I'd say you should feel confident!  Something tells me this is part of why your X is miserable. She probably thinks you traded up.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> One more thought about the stigma before I head home to my new love.
> 
> The stigma for me is always the feeling that I did something to make her cheat. People on the outside usually want to lay some of the blame on the BS. Not to start up with the gender stuff, but I feel it is worse when people look at a BH.
> 
> ...


Right on my brother.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Oh, women get told that their husband would never have cheated if they had only kept him happy in the bedroom. It isn't only men, believe me.


And we all know that ain't true. It's become so obvious to me from what I've learned on TAM that WS's are the damaged, f'ed up, lowly ones.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> This woman I'm seeing has made me step outside of my comfort zone, man up, and realize my confidence.
> 
> Forgive me, but I feel compelled to show off and post her picture. We have serious attraction, chemistry electricity.
> 
> Swoon.


I really hope that some of the other betrayed husbands here stop by to read this post.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I guess I'd have to say, yeah, I suppose I do feel like damaged goods - in two ways.
> 
> 1) I can't help but feel like I wasn't good enough as a wife and that made my husband cheat on me. Even though logically I know that wasn't true. These were my WH's words to me - that the affair was all MY fault. I wasn't perfect and never will be, but I was a good wife to him. Yet, I let his words get to me.
> 
> ...


Lanie, I'm sure this won't mean much, but there ARE good, faithful, loving, trustworthy men out there. You're chatting with one right now. 

I endured a sh*t marriage, CONSTANT cheating accusations for 15 hellish years, and was then cheated on.

I never once came close to cheating, despite all that. And I would never cheat in the future. 

I hope you realize this is true. There ARE good men out there.

Also, I'm very sorry for your pain.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> Dayum. I'd say you should feel confident!  Something tells me this is part of why your X is miserable. She probably thinks you traded up.


She doesn't know of this woman specifically, but she KNOWS. And yes, it's killing her.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Wow! She's beautiful! I bet that doesn't make your ex real happy!


Thank you (I take all the credit for her beauty  ).

Yeah - she ain't gonna be too happy.

I was thinking of sending the ex a thank you note.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I really hope that some of the other betrayed husbands here stop by to read this post.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

LanieB said:


> OK, I'll take a chance and believe you, because I do know by reading many many threads here that there are faithful men out there . . . . but I still don't trust myself enough to find one!
> 
> I'm glad you've moved on and found happiness. That's inspiring.


It pisses me off that WS's shatter their BS's sense of good in people. You deserve a good and faithful man. I really, really hope you find one. "Love is gonna blow your way".


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> She doesn't know of this woman specifically, but she KNOWS. And yes, it's killing her.


Well if she ever sees her, she should feel pretty inferior. Don't know what your X looks like, but kind of hard to top your current love interest, at least in the looks department that is.

Just remember, looks aren't everything. Hopefully your new gal has a great personality.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> Well if she ever sees her, she should feel pretty inferior. Don't know what your X looks like, but kind of hard to top your current love interest, at least in the looks department that is.
> 
> Just remember, looks aren't everything. Hopefully your new gal has a great personality.


An AMAZING personality. I was drawn to her beauty initially, then her mind sealed the deal. Intelligent, passionate, confident, sweet, kind, funny, charming...I introduced her to my folks last night - they were very, very taken. My dad told me she reminds him of all the amazing things about my mom. That was high praise.

My ex is a beautiful woman too, just not on the inside.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

I feel that way myself to some degree on occasion.. Like there has to be a fault with me to explain the cheating. But the truth is its not my fault he cheated.. So there's not a defect in me, there's one in him.

Cheaters get off on being fought for.. I have no idea why but many of them lOvE the drama... I hated every minute
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.
> 
> I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive".
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It damages part of you. Deny it and lie about it, I believe. 

We lived with expectations, a promise, a "deal" and it got blown away like cigarette ashes off a picnic table. Like it was nothing. Like my heart meant nothing. Like all the work I'd done, all the pain I'd silently endured before the affair, all the sacrifices I made in order to MAKE THIS WORK and it meant nothing to her. 

Something inside changes when that happens. Call it damage or adjustment or learning or whatever, it's a change in ME that I never wanted to feel, never planned on, never prepared for except in bad dreams... 

The pain pierces, then subsides. Then it shreiks at me, then it whimpers away under my strength and anger. I carry a shield and sword in the outside world, don't you dare get close to me or mine, mo-fo! I'm friends with NOBODY but God.

Before all that I was gregarious, outgoing, social, had a lot of fun hobbies... Now I spend my time inside the house, not really wanting to go out even though I know there are many wonders out there. I'm not afraid of the world, but we as a couple seem to be. There are triggers everywhere. 

Am I broken? Certainly not! Nobody breaks this man. Am I damaged? Call it what you want, it wasn't something I wanted but it's in me now. I call that damage, just like when you walk out into the parking lot and see a scratch or ding on your Corvette. You look around and wonder "who the f*** did that???" And you get pissed. The damage is there, no matter how mad you get or what body shop you go to. 

You can't un-know it.

It sucks.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> It damages part of you. Deny it and lie about it, I believe.
> 
> We lived with expectations, a promise, a "deal" and it got blown away like cigarette ashes off a picnic table. Like it was nothing. Like my heart meant nothing. Like all the work I'd done, all the pain I'd silently endured before the affair, all the sacrifices I made in order to MAKE THIS WORK and it meant nothing to her.
> 
> ...


I have to second everything you said.. Even years later you can't completely forget it.

Even now my subconscious worries what else he might have done.. When he sits out in his truck for a half hour after returning from work I get suspicious..

The WS takes a piece of us when they cheat.. They leave us forever worried about "next time". They make us wonder if it would hurt them as much if BS had been the one who'd cheated.. It causes us to lose love for them. A lil piece every time it happens. Everytime you get that cold, shaky feeling in your gut you vow you won't let them hurt you again..

I'm not sure if it's damaged as much as losing that naiveivity you use to have. Trust is hard to win back... And I'm not sure they ever get it back 100% or that we ever give it again to anyone..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> This woman I'm seeing has made me step outside of my comfort zone, man up, and realize my confidence.
> 
> Forgive me, but I feel compelled to show off and post her picture. We have serious attraction, chemistry electricity.
> 
> Swoon.


Jackpot!


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Single Malt said:


> I wonder if part of the damaged good feelings come from the wayward spouse gaslighting their BS.
> 
> I think its common for cheaters, when caught and worried about being judged by the community, try to paint the BS as some sort of monster or blameshift. My x-wife did this and it backfired on her. She lost many friends over it.


It's important to shut this down early. Stop any attempts quickly, and it goes away. Goes like this... 

"you never talked to me anymore" - yea, because you were talking to your boyfriend

"You stopped going for drives with me" - I wanted to, but you were spending so much time planning to sneak away with your boyfriend and going for drives with him so you weren't available

"You were too controlling and jealous" - Yea, because you were cheating and I knew something wasn't right.. they call it instinct, and it was spot on.

When you say 'hey, can I sleep with x from work?' and I say 'yes', then I take some of the blame.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

I feel kinda dumb for being with my ex for as long as I was. We had some really good times, but she had so many problems that, deep in my gut, I knew she was more trouble than she was worth.

I almost wish she would have cheated on me 2 years earlier.

I feel a bit damaged when I'm out with the current GF and her friends and realize that I am 8 years older than everyone. I'm the cynical old dude. 2 years earlier I was the youngest guy at the table.

I feel a bit damaged when I realized that, when my Dad was my age, I was 7 and he was my hero. I've got a niece that I barely see, but at least I have that.

I feel a bit damaged when a crazy story about my ex comes up and I can just feel my GF wondering if I really am the confident guy she thinks I am. "Why the hell did he put up with that?"

But **** it... I'm still better off.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I think maybe these feelings are also what holds back going through R. I am trying, really am, and I do make progress but sometimes I am just dead inside. I will see a picture that I took during those times, and it will take me back right to it like day one. Happened to me the other night. I was cleaning out my iPhone pictures, and saw one of my baby boy, with the W in the background texting. Not 100% sure who, but I have an idea. 

Damaged, oh ya. Might be why right now I am sitting in my garage alone, at almost 930pm listening to ATC streams. 

It's not all the time though, just a couple times a week I have to hold back anger, sorrow, and such and just fake through it to keep this R going to get back to normal. 

Would love to hear from some people who have been over it for years now and see how they answer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The first time he left, I did feel like damaged goods. Or that I did something wrong. Which I did--- and I went to therapy and fixed it. Then I lived an honest life for the last 2 years.

He left this time and I know it's HIM who is damaged and effed up. Good riddance. His energy is so bad, I can't handle him being around my home...


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Not to start up with the gender stuff, but I feel it is worse when people look at a BH.


Men cheat because men are pigs.

Women cheat because men are pigs.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> This woman I'm seeing has made me step outside of my comfort zone, man up, and realize my confidence.
> 
> Forgive me, but I feel compelled to show off and post her picture. We have serious attraction, chemistry electricity.
> 
> Swoon.


As they say in the waters of Hawaii, brah, you're girlfriend is filthy.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> This woman I'm seeing has made me step outside of my comfort zone, man up, and realize my confidence.
> 
> Forgive me, but I feel compelled to show off and post her picture. We have serious attraction, chemistry electricity.
> 
> Swoon.


You win.

But promise us, you WON'T put this woman on a pedestal.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> An AMAZING personality. I was drawn to her beauty initially, then her mind sealed the deal. Intelligent, passionate, confident, sweet, kind, funny, charming...I introduced her to my folks last night - they were very, very taken. My dad told me she reminds him of all the amazing things about my mom. That was high praise.
> 
> My ex is a beautiful woman too, just not on the inside.




Reading this felt good, TD.

I feel really, really, REALLY happy for you.
I needed to read about some good turnarounds (most TAM threads being so disillusioning).

Enjoy your new life, Brother.

*Thank you for a good ending* / new beginning.


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## scorp79 (Apr 25, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> Lanie, I'm sure this won't mean much, but there ARE good, faithful, loving, trustworthy men out there. You're chatting with one right now.
> 
> I endured a sh*t marriage, CONSTANT cheating accusations for 15 hellish years, and was then cheated on.
> 
> ...


Sounds very much like what I went through. She would always be thinking i'm leading women on or had something going on.
Always checking my phone as well as stating. Its not you I worry about its the other women. What is with that lol.

In the end after the relationship became distance regardless of myself bringing it to her attention multiple times, then she cheated on me.

Hit me really hard at the start as our future plans were gone, now it gets to her that I am so ok with it being over. TAM has really helped in this space.


--- Do I feel like damaged goods - yeah i do, but that will pass with time. At least I caught it early and dodged a bullet.

This site confirmed the signs I was seeing but wasn't 100% sure, I nipped it within a month of it starting so I was lucky.

Thank you TAM and every one else here. I will be sure to stick around to continue to share my story and help others where I can.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

From the OP:



The-Deceived said:


> Sometimes, though, when I think about what she did, I feel the stigma of being a BS. A cuckold. Oh yeah, I'm one of _those guys_.


I feel that way sometimes. But in my case it is mainly because POSOM is a very fit guy, trains every day (not much else in his life I guess) and loves posting naked and semi-naked pictures of himself on the internet. And I'm sure that his physique is something that my STBXW was strongly attracted to. I'm sure she feels flattered to have bagged such a fit guy (although other women I have shown his site to have said "ewwwwwww, who would ever go near a guy who thinks so much of himself"). 

Without those pics I wouldn't feel bad about myself, but sometimes male pride makes it hard not to feel second best. However, I do feel like I am a far better person than him.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Voltaire...what I'm gonna say probably will make no sense, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

There is a choice to make between to motorcycles. One is a slick, hopped up Orange County Choppers made machine with custom everything. All bright and shiny. The other is a Panhead with some dings in it, but has all of it's pieces parts.

The lawyer/doctor/retiree who has cash to throw around will 9 times outta 10 buy the OCC machine cuz it's big and shiny and was built by OCC and they got themselves a TV show and it's slick even though it's fake as hell. They will buy into the hype, even though the bike is sh-t and holds enough gas to get ya about 30 miles. Perfect for the wannabe who trailers his trash.

The guy who knows bikes will take the Panhead every single f'ng time. Why? Cuz it's a Panhead and ain't some pretty package with a bunch of sh-t thrown on it to look appealing.

Let your wannabe STBXW choose the OCC machine. It will never pass the first year without breaking down all the time, she'll be lucky if the f'ng thing even starts and...like all junk "bikes" like it - every other wannabe is gonna want a ride.

There's more chicks out there who dig a Panhead. That...I can promise you.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> I do feel like I am a far better person than him.


His physique will get saggy and old.. you being a better person, that's for a lifetime.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Voltaire...what I'm gonna say probably will make no sense, but I'm gonna say it anyway.


No, makes perfect sense, Dig - and as I say I feel like I am a far better person than POSOM. But unfortunately evolution has equipped we men to be physically competitive and we put far too much emphasis on appearances - and its hard not to let that get to you sometimes.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

russell28 said:


> His physique will get saggy and old.. you being a better person, that's for a lifetime.


Thanks Russell. 

And he's actually older than me!!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> No, makes perfect sense, Dig - and as I say I feel like I am a far better person than POSOM. But unfortunately evolution has equipped we men to be physically competitive and we put far too much emphasis on appearances - and its hard not to let that get to you sometimes.


Brother, all I can say is this: the xOM is a thin, marathon running lawyer. I'm a beefy, biker guy who gave up my dream career of flying to be home with my family. I totally understand.





EDIT: Oh...snap! I forgot. I was the cause of his demise as a lawyer and now he works as a salesman. Ooops. Thanks again Cheaterville . com!!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> EDIT: Oh...snap! I forgot. I was the cause of his demise as a lawyer and now he works as a salesman. Ooops. Thanks again Cheaterville . com!!


Intersting.

Any blowback from that at all, given that you exposed a lawyer? Might be an interesting move once the legal side is all over.

Also, does it show up prominently on Google?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Brother, all I can say is this: the xOM is a thin, marathon running lawyer. I'm a beefy, biker guy who gave up my dream career of flying to be home with my family. I totally understand.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oooh, interesting site.. xOM for me is white haired maintenance guy who's about half a foot taller than me but also 5 years older than me, and a total loser in life so I have that.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Sometimes I feel like a doormat for giving him another chance. He has told me I'm too good to him, and, maybe I am. He knows he's on his last chance with me. He's told me it will never happen again, but if it did, he would leave and I could "have it all" which of course means the debt too,(half of it anyway), whoopie! 
There are times he wants me to do something for him and I feel like he wants me to act as if nothing happened and I just can't do it, anything. If it makes me feel subservient or used, I just can't do it.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> Intersting.
> 
> Any blowback from that at all, given that you exposed a lawyer? Might be an interesting move once the legal side is all over.
> 
> Also, does it show up prominently on Google?


No blowback at all. Hell, on Dday night I told him if he tried to contact my wife in any way, shape or form that I would kill him. He knows who I am and he knows I wasn't just flexing.

I used the site's anonymous email function to send it to the top 2 partners in the firm. It's a very large firm with 10 offices throughout the state. He was senior partner in the one where he worked.

His profile is closing on 2 million views. If one Google's his name, it is the FIRST link. And since a lawyer needs a good name, I'm quite certain that has hurt him furthering his career as one. Not to mention his prominent family where his father was mayor of a large city for like 16 years. Oh, well. Sucks to be Silver Spoon-boy now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Do I feel like damaged goods? Oh hell no! And this is my SECOND time being betrayed after my first wife cheated on me with her college boyfriend. I know I can move on because I've had to before.

In the beginning, it seems the pain never ends. But time does indeed heal wounds. It WILL get better.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I had lots of shame at first

but my confidence came back and better than ever


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, I do feel like damaged good. Trust for me was always automatic, it never occurred to me NOT to trust. Also, losing my H to such a piece of trash woman (his first wife!) has shattered my self esteem, my confidence, and my faith in people in general. Maybe losing that automatic trust will be a good thing in the long run, because maybe I will have a better filter on who it is that I get involved with.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Labcoat said:


> You win.
> 
> But promise us, you WON'T put this woman on a pedestal.


I won't. I enjoy teasing her. I'm pretty coc*y with her actually. But it's all in good fun. My secret weapon, I've discovered, is the stare down - I will lock eyes and stare with intensity, sometimes a sliver of disapproval. This drives her nuts (other women too). She said to me the other day "you make me nervous. I never get nervous" and she would smile and look down. When we first met she said "wow, you're so confident". I could've let my stbxw's betrayal beat me to the ground, or I could rise from the ashes a more powerful being. I chose the latter.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

carpenoctem said:


> Reading this felt good, TD.
> 
> I feel really, really, REALLY happy for you.
> I needed to read about some good turnarounds (most TAM threads being so disillusioning).
> ...


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> Thanks brother. My family (esp. my mom and dad) told me from the start they knew I would be a happier, healthier person, and that I would find someone amazing. Hard to believe when you're neck deep in anguish. But man, were they right.
> 
> Totally OT - but check out my new song. I wrote it, played all instruments (except for the drums), sang and produced it. My best work yet, thanks to my new life and new outlook.
> 
> ...


Made it back to TAM for the day!

Listened to you song. AWESOME!!!! Dude, you have a future as a musician. I am sure your experience will lend itself to some inspiring lyrics and sounds. Let me know if you ever play in Utah. I would buy a ticket and a Heineken for the show.

I will go back and read the thread since I posted yesterday. Looks like some good response numbers.

Hope the new girl is helping you pick up the pieces of your life.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> From the OP:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


POSOM sounds like an utter douche-canoe.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Voltaire...what I'm gonna say probably will make no sense, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
> 
> There is a choice to make between to motorcycles. One is a slick, hopped up Orange County Choppers made machine with custom everything. All bright and shiny. The other is a Panhead with some dings in it, but has all of it's pieces parts.
> 
> ...


Great analogy.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

somedaydig said:


> edit: Oh...snap! I forgot. I was the cause of his demise as a lawyer and now he works as a salesman. Ooops. Thanks again cheaterville . Com!!


I love this story.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I love this story.


I gotta admit, I do too.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> Great analogy.


Sometimes, I can get this sh-t right! LOL


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, I do feel like damaged good. Trust for me was always automatic, it never occurred to me NOT to trust. Also, losing my H to such a piece of trash woman (his first wife!) has shattered my self esteem, my confidence, and my faith in people in general. Maybe losing that automatic trust will be a good thing in the long run, because maybe I will have a better filter on who it is that I get involved with.


That's a great way to look at it. I had automatic trust too. Big mistake. Sad but true. Your self esteem should be totally intact. HE is the loser. He and his skanky first wife.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Made it back to TAM for the day!
> 
> Listened to you song. AWESOME!!!! Dude, you have a future as a musician. I am sure your experience will lend itself to some inspiring lyrics and sounds. Let me know if you ever play in Utah. I would buy a ticket and a Heineken for the show.
> 
> ...


Thanks man! Yes - some great stuff in this thread. A few folks feeling beaten down, and I am optimistic for them. But all in all, people seem to be doing pretty well. Makes me happy.

Mmmmmm Heineken.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I gotta admit, I do too.


:smthumbup:


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Do I feel like damaged goods? I did... I don't anymore... I took control of my life as much as the courts will allow and my life keeps improving all the time.

Why would you let someone who is such a turd that they would cheat on you, destroy your family and be so selfish that they don't care who they hurt have any influence on you?

If a POS human thought you are damaged goods, well then you must be doing something right.

See the world with confidence. You may not always be right but if you are doing your best, that is right enough...


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Nice looking new girl! Hope you have as much fun as I have starting over!!! It is a gift to have a second go that is better than the first...Looks like we both have done better this time around!


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> No blowback at all. Hell, on Dday night I told him if he tried to contact my wife in any way, shape or form that I would kill him. He knows who I am and he knows I wasn't just flexing.
> 
> I used the site's anonymous email function to send it to the top 2 partners in the firm. It's a very large firm with 10 offices throughout the state. He was senior partner in the one where he worked.
> 
> His profile is closing on 2 million views. If one Google's his name, it is the FIRST link. And since a lawyer needs a good name, I'm quite certain that has hurt him furthering his career as one. Not to mention his prominent family where his father was mayor of a large city for like 16 years. Oh, well. Sucks to be Silver Spoon-boy now.


Cool. I like that a lot. unfortunately POSOM is in a less conservative job where this sort of thing wouldn't matter so much - but my STBXW would die of shame.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Ok,

I could not help but post a pic of my new wife from our wedding day last fall. It is so good to move from Hell to a better place. 

Look what you started TD!!! 

Shhhhh!!!! She would be embarassed if she knew I was doing this.....


----------



## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

You are a lucky man truck. Should show that if you can get a beautiful woman, then obviously you are not damaged goods.

Not that physical looks is the litmus test, because I'm sure she is a great person to see the wonderful guy in you.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> POSOM sounds like an utter douche-canoe.


Love that expression - but I think it's apt. I think he's a Grade A narcissist who thinks only of himself. Foolish, emotionally vulnerable women like my STBXW come into his world and adore him for a while, but I'm sure that once they make too many demands on him or start cramping his bachelor boy lifestyle he dumps them - and on to the next victim. Apparently clinical narcissists actually get more pleasure from dumping someone than from the A. 

Women who are divorcing are ideal targets for someone like him - they want to play at the single life for a while, they just swoon when someone like him pays a bit of attention to them, and they are dying to convince themselves that they are "in love" again. 

Love truly is blind. The best revenge will be when my STBXW sees him for what a loser he is and wonders how she ever became obsessed with someone like that in the first place. Won;t guarantee that she wants to come back to me - and it will probably be too late for that by then anyway. You chose, you lost, goodbye.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> Cool. I like that a lot. unfortunately POSOM is in a less conservative job where this sort of thing wouldn't matter so much - but my STBXW would die of shame.


Well, having any job the fact of the world is that people Google other people's names. And when they do so for the POSOM you had to deal with, well...it'll surely f-ck his life up cuz most employers nowadays DO Google people and check for facebook and other social media stuff. It's one of the reasons my facebook doesn't have my real name attached. 

Your stbxw dying of shame is just a bonus


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Nice looking new girl! Hope you have as much fun as I have starting over!!! It is a gift to have a second go that is better than the first...Looks like we both have done better this time around!


:toast:


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Love that expression - but I think it's apt. I think he's a Grade A narcissist who thinks only of himself. Foolish, emotionally vulnerable women like my STBXW come into his world and adore him for a while, but I'm sure that once they make too many demands on him or start cramping his bachelor boy lifestyle he dumps them - and on to the next victim. Apparently clinical narcissists actually get more pleasure from dumping someone than from the A.
> 
> Women who are divorcing are ideal targets for someone like him - they want to play at the single life for a while, they just swoon when someone like him pays a bit of attention to them, and they are dying to convince themselves that they are "in love" again.
> 
> Love truly is blind. The best revenge will be when my STBXW sees him for what a loser he is and wonders how she ever became obsessed with someone like that in the first place. Won;t guarantee that she wants to come back to me - and it will probably be too late for that by then anyway. You chose, you lost, goodbye.


He sounds a LOT like my POSOM. "You chose, you lost, goodbye."

Exactly.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Damaged goods... yes... sort of. I see the end game.

I like to think of it like when I was a child. I had a comfort blanket. Rationally, you know it won’t protect you from diddly, but irrationally, you found comfort in it’s warm embrace. One day, your mom took it away or you decided you weren’t a baby anymore. Remember the bravado? You were too grown up to believe in the boogie man. Yet, alone at night, it didn’t feel right without that blanket. You’d beat yourself up about being a whimp. It was about evolving emotionally. But while you were doing it....... lots of flailing around and insecurity you hid. I’ve watched my son’s go through it; They act all tough and brave. Lots of bravado and trying to radiate out how strong you were; Inside, when you hear a creak, you lay there trying to self-soothe... It’s funny... they shadow box, run around with their swords and nerf guns. All of it is about doing what they think makes them brave and strong.

These changes are a lot like that now. Your wife burned that comfort blanket. What’s funny, is as adults, we sort of do the same routine. Instead of playing ‘army’, we tend to do ‘manly stuff’ like outdoor activities, pumping iron, maybe kick boxing or contact sports. Confidence, tough, etc. ... and all of it is due to losing our comfort blanket. Girls are different with that approach. Keep working until you evolve your perceptions and find comfort in your new place. Until then... you will feel broken and damaged.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm in the process of divorcing my WW. Life has been much better as a whole since I left her after we attempted R for a couple months. I am dating and have found a wonderful woman, and things are progressing nicely.
> 
> I am a very confident guy and have done very well with the ladies since the split. Everyone tells me what a positive change they have seen within in me. I have "come alive".
> 
> ...


Yes TD - especially tonight. Only 5 weeks since DDay. I've had it with this sh!t. Her remorse is questionable.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

LanieB said:


> You're gonna be just fine, Voltaire. For what it's worth, I totally agree with the other women - - Ewwwwww. When I see a guy like that, my top lip automatically snarls up! I'm in good shape and I do appreciate men who are in good shape, but these types that post pics of themselves are all the same. You can tell they are in love with themselves and probably spend hours admiring themselves in the mirror. Your STBXW is going to be completely embarrassed when it's all said and done and she realizes that to him she's just another woman in a long line of more to come.
> 
> Once again, Ewwwww!!!!


Couldn't agree more - same experience. My partner is sucked in by the narcissistic ink boys (bad boys). She even admitted she likes younger men when I pushed her on the weekend. Not so bad really on one level but the fantasy was acted out to a degree. The POSOM was pretty fit from what I saw - one texted image of his torso cam with the line "How I look after my run". She fell for lines like "You are a beautiful, intelligent sexy lady - you deserve that new job" He threw out the hook and pulled her in. I'd say it is his serial behavior - just another one in a line. She was even jealous when she asked him about some other women and he gave her an appraisal. The snake had her by the short and curlys. What a farce - and isn't she paying for it now.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Short thread-jack here . . . .


Well, thank you for it....it is making me feel less like second best to POSOM, which is right on topic for the thread.

How long does it take a woman to see what a fool she has been? Does she only do this when she has been dumped? And even then does it take a bit of time to recognise that she has been duped by a player?


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

We are working through our R so I am not in the dating world but refurbished was a good term, experienced, a veteran. 
Think of yourself like a classic car there may be a few dents and scratches but you still ride nice, turn a few heads and most people would love to have you.

For the cuckold stuff I don't consider that about myself I know I never let her down in the bedroom. Many of the women who have cheated all seem to say it wasn't about sex, more the emotional stuff the attention they got the sex was just the way they paid for getting those things.

P.S. I am not saying anything about your age just what you have gone through


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

LanieB said:


> It's hard to say, Voltaire. It depends on the woman, I guess. I've known some women who only realized it after they were dumped - especially when they watched the guy use the same cheesy moves and cheesy lines on the next "victim".
> 
> Sometimes after enough time passes, the women start to get annoyed with the fact that these men spend way more time in front of the mirror than the women do. They finally realize these men are in love with themselves and no woman can ever compete with that.
> 
> Many times what happens is the woman finds out the guy is cheating on her - or at least flirting with other women.


My STBXW seems completely blind. The guy is quite open about his flirting - he'll post online pics of himself semi-naked and then lap up the comments that other women make. She can't be unaware of this as they met online. I guess my W is just desperate to keep her little stud-muffin and will put up with any disrespect or humiliation in order to do so. When she hits the ground, it's going to be very hard.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I have watched this play out in real life many times, and it never turns out well. (And just to be clear, there are women players as well as men players. It's an equal opportunity game.) Your STBXW is deep in the fog. Deep down she knows how ridiculous his behavior is, but she's eating up the attention for the moment. But I guarantee she doesn't like what he's doing. Right now she's just desperate for whatever crumbs he throws her way, so she's willing to overlook this for now because she thinks she has a real chance with him. (Sucker . . . . )
> 
> You're exactly right though - someday she will hit the ground. And it ain't gonna be pretty. I'm hoping you will have moved on though.


Let me ask you another question (sorry for hijacking the thread, everyone - I'll shut up in a minute).

If I want to see the affair crater as soon as possible, am I better off trying to make it difficult for them to see each other or is it better to step aside, let them get on with their weekly meetings, and let the thing run its inevitable course? I'm thinking that the latter is more likely to lead to a quicker end, both because "what is resisted persists" (and I think he likes the fact that I don't like it and will cool off if I show indifference) and also like the more time they spend together the quicker the cracks will appear. 

Interested in your views.

And, yes, I hope I have moved on by then, but it would be nice to be able to say "sorry, you chose, you lost" - or, if she really is the most remorseful woman on the planet (which I doubt) to have the last word on whether to go for R or not.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I know i shouldn't, but my self esteem suffers and I do at times feel like damage goods and this is a hole that I will never crawl out of.


----------



## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

Damaged? No...not any longer. Not sure if I can describe accurately how I feel now but not at all damaged. I woud say fixed. Yes, my self esteem did take a dive for about a year. Than I started going out and talking to women, flirting and that made me feel good. I am more aware of things happening around me. I look for red flags in everyone, my family, friends, coworkers...and I try to act upon them. Either I tell them I do not like such and such thing or just turn the other way and cross them out of my life. I have noticed I get more respect from people now. I am lot closer to my family than I have ever been, even though they live overseas. I am a better father, I listen to my boys, watch their behaviour and talk to them. ..trying to help them cope, making their life more enjoyable considering the circumstances. I have more respect for myself. I found a new jobthat pays me about 25 - 30% more. Found a new apartment and made it my own. So damaged? No, but changed forever and for better. One day some lady will be very happy to have met me.  All this thanks to my XW. I can say she helped me become a better person. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I'll never trust again. Yes I do


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

LanieB said:


> In your case, I would say let her go. Right now your wife wants a divorce and is moving on. Any action on your part to try to keep her from her sleazy man-player is only going to make her try even harder to be with him. (forbidden fruit and all . . . ) The bolded part of your post is the key here. Give her enough rope and she'll eventually hang herself.


Thanks - that was my thinking too but just wanted a second opinion. It is also a good exercise in detachment. 




LanieB said:


> I think we (BS) would all love to have the scenario you describe in your last paragraph. "Oh, NOW you decide you've made a horrible mistake and want me back? Well, too bad, sweetie. I've moved on and no longer wish to be married to someone I no longer respect."


Nice fantasy, isn't it? 

I also want to be able to say that I did everything I possibly could to save the M. Even though it is a real long shot, I would like it if a genuine opportunity for R appeared (with genuine remorse, recognition of how foolish she has been, and sincere willingness to change) so that I could give it due consideration. In many ways I would just like the one to be able to make the ultimate decision.

I have to say, though, that even if A cratered I doubt she would turn back to me - she would most likely go off and try to find someone else. And as I get more and more detached I really dislike the person I am seeing and don't want to be married to her - so she would have to show a huge determination to change substantially and I just don't think that she is capable of that.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

FLGator said:


> I will see a picture that I took during those times, and it will take me back right to it like day one. Happened to me the other night. I was cleaning out my iPhone pictures, and saw one of my baby boy, with the W in the background texting. Not 100% sure who, but I have an idea.
> 
> *Delete all the pictures from that time period. It's very cleansing.*
> 
> ...


----------



## OzyMan (Jan 15, 2013)

I will admit... my self esteem was low to begin with... And finding out how my STBXW left not only me but her own kids for such a POSOM, it really makes me feel like damaged goods!! Not only that, but I feel very used by her... as if she never really loved ME, just used me for the past 9 years we were together to take care of her and her kids financially.

AND she did ruin me... ruined my credit, my savings, my self image. Just added a lot to my baggage, that I never had before I met her.

And in her mind right now, she is the victim and I am the BAD MAN!!! That is what eats me up inside most right now.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Couldn't agree more - same experience. My partner is sucked in by the narcissistic ink boys (bad boys). She even admitted she likes younger men when I pushed her on the weekend. Not so bad really on one level but the fantasy was acted out to a degree. The POSOM was pretty fit from what I saw - one texted image of his torso cam with the line "How I look after my run". She fell for lines like "You are a beautiful, intelligent sexy lady - you deserve that new job" He threw out the hook and pulled her in. I'd say it is his serial behavior - just another one in a line. She was even jealous when she asked him about some other women and he gave her an appraisal. The snake had her by the short and curlys. What a farce - and isn't she paying for it now.


My stbxw was "sucked in" by one of these imbeciles as well. Not only did I lose all respect for her because she's a cheating wh*re, but she proved to be utterly stupid as well. Reading thru her Facebook posts to her friend, I see this: "I really thought KH and I were in love. Turns out he only loves himself and I was confused". I think "retarded" is a more accurate adjective.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I have watched this play out in real life many times, and it never turns out well. (And just to be clear, there are women players as well as men players. It's an equal opportunity game.) Your STBXW is deep in the fog. Deep down she knows how ridiculous his behavior is, but she's eating up the attention for the moment. But I guarantee she doesn't like what he's doing. Right now she's just desperate for whatever crumbs he throws her way, so she's willing to overlook this for now because she thinks she has a real chance with him. (Sucker . . . . )
> 
> You're exactly right though - someday she will hit the ground. And it ain't gonna be pretty. I'm hoping you will have moved on though.


My stbxw hit the ground with a THUD that resonated throughout the universe. She's still down there. Her regret is profound. She lost EVERYTHING. All for an absolute, complete low-life piece of sh*t moron.

*Golf clap*


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Let me ask you another question (sorry for hijacking the thread, everyone - I'll shut up in a minute).
> 
> If I want to see the affair crater as soon as possible, am I better off trying to make it difficult for them to see each other or is it better to step aside, let them get on with their weekly meetings, and let the thing run its inevitable course? I'm thinking that the latter is more likely to lead to a quicker end, both because "what is resisted persists" (and I think he likes the fact that I don't like it and will cool off if I show indifference) and also like the more time they spend together the quicker the cracks will appear.
> 
> ...


I respect any BS's decision to R, but for me personally, my view is that cheating is a deal breaker. I attempted to R for 2 months. I very quickly realized that living with it was too painful, I was miserable, and I knew that would NEVER go away. It's too profound a betrayal to swallow. I was consumed with the pain and struggle everyday, all day, and she was very remorseful.

Life is too short to try and get past something SO profoundly awful.

We are on OK terms - we hug it out when I see her, and we visit now and again with the kids there. But knowing she will soon be my EX-wife is a wonderful, amazing feeling.

I didn't even realize I was miserable. Not living my life. I was a non-entity. Now that I'm without her, I see what life is supposed to be like.

But - respect and best of luck to you, whatever path you decide. I hope you end up happy whatever you decide.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I know i shouldn't, but my self esteem suffers and I do at times feel like damage goods and this is a hole that I will never crawl out of.


You will though. You will.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Only in my very low moments do I ever feel like "damaged goods." I can't help but feel that she is rather flippant about it to all of those friends of hers that are truly "in the know," but I could care less about that.

Will God forgive her for what she did? I think so, greatly after I have found it in my heart to forgive her. But I'm sure that she will also be asked the "why's" for her activities, and I pray that she'll be able to give a truthful answer to Him. 

I fear that it will be a far different one than what she's telling everyone else! But while I may well have internally forgiven her, I will certainly never forget about it!


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

GettingBetter said:


> Damaged? No...not any longer. Not sure if I can describe accurately how I feel now but not at all damaged. I woud say fixed. Yes, my self esteem did take a dive for about a year. Than I started going out and talking to women, flirting and that made me feel good. I am more aware of things happening around me. I look for red flags in everyone, my family, friends, coworkers...and I try to act upon them. Either I tell them I do not like such and such thing or just turn the other way and cross them out of my life. I have noticed I get more respect from people now. I am lot closer to my family than I have ever been, even though they live overseas. I am a better father, I listen to my boys, watch their behaviour and talk to them. ..trying to help them cope, making their life more enjoyable considering the circumstances. I have more respect for myself. I found a new jobthat pays me about 25 - 30% more. Found a new apartment and made it my own. So damaged? No, but changed forever and for better. One day some lady will be very happy to have met me.  All this thanks to my XW. I can say she helped me become a better person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:

Awesome, brother.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

OzyMan said:


> I will admit... my self esteem was low to begin with... And finding out how my STBXW left not only me but her own kids for such a POSOM, it really makes me feel like damaged goods!! Not only that, but I feel very used by her... as if she never really loved ME, just used me for the past 9 years we were together to take care of her and her kids financially.
> 
> AND she did ruin me... ruined my credit, my savings, my self image. Just added a lot to my baggage, that I never had before I met her.
> 
> And in her mind right now, she is the victim and I am the BAD MAN!!! That is what eats me up inside most right now.


SHE is the loser. Not you.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> My STBXW hit the ground with a THUD that resonated throughout the universe. She's still down there. Her regret is profound. She lost EVERYTHING. All for an absolute, complete low-life piece of sh*t moron.


*All for a "dopamine high" and a little strange appendage!*


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Nice fantasy, isn't it?


Why just a fantasy?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *All for a "dopamine high" and a little strange appendage!*


"Little" being the key word here.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> Why just a fantasy?


In my case I think it is unlikely to happen. But for others it may be more likely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> In my case I think it is unlikely to happen. But for others it may be more likely
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me tell you, it's a helluva feeling.

"You lost your privilege to ever be with me again. Adiós".


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> Let me tell you, it's a helluva feeling.
> 
> "You lost your privilege to ever be with me again. Adiós".


I hope I get the opportunity to say that


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> I hope I get the opportunity to say that


You will, if that's what YOU choose. It's your decision, and yours only. Remember that. You hold the cards, my friend.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> You will, if that's what YOU choose. It's your decision, and yours only. Remember that. You hold the cards, my friend.


Indeed. But what I mean is that I hope that I get the opportunity to say it to a WAW who has reaslised what a mistake she has made and comes crawling back looking for R.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> Indeed. But what I mean is that I hope that I get the opportunity to say it to a WAW who has reaslised what a mistake she has made and comes crawling back looking for R.


I see. Are you wanting her to come back to you? To stay or just so you can reverse the power?

For me, on a subconscious level, I wanted her to come back to me, so I could then tell her to f*ck off. Which I did.

There was also the idea that I needed to know she was out of the fog, and out of that heinous lifestyle, for the sake of my children. When I knew she was done with OM, and she knew in no uncertain terms that I would (will) sue for full custody should she engage with that pos - I booted her sorry azz to the curb.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

The shift of power is an amazing thing. I hope you get to experience it, whether you decide to R or not.  But to get that, she has to know you are ready to leave her in the dust, that you will be just fine, great in fact.

As long as you sit around waiting for her to come to her senses and come back to, that likely won't happen.

Cheaters are just wired differently.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> Indeed. But what I mean is that I hope that I get the opportunity to say it to a WAW who has reaslised what a mistake she has made and comes crawling back looking for R.


It doesn't necessarily need to be said. It sounds like you still are at the hurt/painful part in you process.

Eventually you will have a satisfaction just knowing you are better off. It will become appearant to her, and evident to your common circles.

I have enjoyed your posts, and know you are very good in your anlysis of the situation. It seems the pain changes, and eventually your focus on the future with new people (i.e. gf, new wife, etc.) will make your WW seem less of a concern. 

The damages goods become changed goods. 

Changed in finding a better woman, changed in creating healthier relations, changed in not giving till it hurts, and changed in understanding yourself.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> It doesn't necessarily need to be said. It sounds like you still are at the hurt/painful part in you process.
> 
> Eventually you will have a satisfaction just knowing you are better off. It will become appearant to her, and evident to your common circles.
> 
> ...


You're my fave CWI poster. An inspiration, and comrade in arms.


You're a bit ahead of me in your process, but we walk the same path. I'm really, really happy for you.

Cheers brother.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> I see. Are you wanting her to come back to you? To stay or just so you can reverse the power?
> 
> For me, on a subconscious level, I wanted her to come back to me, so I could then tell her to f*ck off. Which I did.
> 
> There was also the idea that I needed to know she was out of the fog, and out of that heinous lifestyle, for the sake of my children. When I knew she was done with OM, and she knew in no uncertain terms that I would (will) sue for full custody should she engage with that pos - I booted her sorry azz to the curb.


Very similar to me on all fronts. The last point re the kids is an important one, and again similar to my situation.



Lovemytruck said:


> It doesn't necessarily need to be said. It sounds like you still are at the hurt/painful part in you process.
> 
> Eventually you will have a satisfaction just knowing you are better off. It will become appearant to her, and evident to your common circles.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I'm getting there. I feel that I am near (and perhaps past) the tipping point where you go from being in love and wanting a R to "out of love" with the WS and just wanting to get away from the toxicity.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Voltaire said:


> I feel that I am near (and perhaps past) the tipping point where you go from being in love and wanting a R to "out of love" with the WS and just wanting to get away from the toxicity.


Good!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

OzyMan said:


> I will admit... my self esteem was low to begin with... And finding out how my STBXW left not only me but her own kids for such a POSOM, it really makes me feel like damaged goods!! Not only that, but I feel very used by her... as if she never really loved ME, just used me for the past 9 years we were together to take care of her and her kids financially.
> 
> AND she did ruin me... ruined my credit, my savings, my self image. Just added a lot to my baggage, that I never had before I met her.
> 
> And in her mind right now, she is the victim and I am the BAD MAN!!! That is what eats me up inside most right now.


Yeah, I never was in debt til I was with my man, and he coerced a debt life. I fought against it the whole way thru. 

When I think of what I put up with, with him, I feel violated. He caused the end of us due to his lack of care for years and finally the last nail that was him taking a lot of money (CC) after me spending a full year spending NOTHING to get our debts back to zero. I left that relationshipp with massive debts, student loans, which I used at the time to pay off OUR debts, instead of putting into savings accounts for me, and which I continue to pay off now as a single mum. 

Do I feel bad? Hell no. I feel liberated. He was a effing arsehole of the highest order. And he has lost out. Primarily cos he is a lazy fuc*er and fat as hell and is now reaping all he has sowed upon his body for so many years. 

I have much to feel bitter about. Much. But now is the time to move on. He has ruined just about everything that he can due to me leaving him (his children included). Has he won? No! Not in any way shape or form. Not least because it is no competition. Because he treats it like one he has already lost! I just hope my kids come to their senses after all this too! 

He is a manipulator of the highest order. He is top of all league tables with regard to the things he will say and the lengths he will go to to get his own way! 

.......and yes, I have thought of many ways to do so! If you have been where I am, you know what I mean.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I won't. I enjoy teasing her. I'm pretty coc*y with her actually. But it's all in good fun. My secret weapon, I've discovered, is the stare down - I will lock eyes and stare with intensity, sometimes a sliver of disapproval. This drives her nuts (other women too). She said to me the other day "you make me nervous. I never get nervous" and she would smile and look down. When we first met she said "wow, you're so confident". I could've let my stbxw's betrayal beat me to the ground, or I could rise from the ashes a more powerful being. I chose the latter.


That's awesome. I too am approaching my new relationship with much more confidence than with the ex. She's more attractive and younger than the ex (i.e. has more options) but it seems to be working.

Wish someone had explained this to me 20 years ago.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Labcoat said:


> That's awesome. I too am approaching my new relationship with much more confidence than with the ex. She's more attractive and younger than the ex (i.e. has more options) but it seems to be working.
> 
> Wish someone had explained this to me 20 years ago.


We were all pretty damned naive 20 years ago.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*In sum, most / many of the so-called ‘damaged goods’ (the theme of this thread) seem to get back into the dating market eventually with much higher price tags, and are being picked up by more discerning customers.*

*Food for thought. And Good to know.*

Retrospectively, *perhaps they were undersold all along, to their first / earlier customers.*

And perhaps they owe the WS a note of thanks at some point - for enabling them to leave and seek their better / best value, which often seems to outweigh all the immediate losses.

Could thank the WSs also for the crash course in awareness -- of the reality of human sexuality, and the utter fallacy of blind trust. AND the knowledge that options exist - that an alternative life to the one they have known till then not only is feasible, but also could be better.

Could be. But that's as much as life guarantees on anything. Including Reconciliation (that the marriage could be better at the end of it all).


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