# Help! Is this a sign he's coming around?



## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Married 25 years,separated 4 months. Said he wasn't in love with me. Anyway, he is living 2 hours away and hasn't been to my house since Christmas eve. My kids barely talk to him. We were talking alittle not much by text,alittle by phone. I was very broken hearted and he knew this. I can only guess but I feel like he knew he "could always come back to his family" because of seeing me so hurt. I have slowly pulled away and tried not to show my hurt. Finally I sent separations papers a week ago. We did fight over then once,but mainly it just seemed to want to talk. I really felt like it had "woke him up", that he was losing me. He's made an excuse to see me thursday,and came down stayed with us the weekend "to see the kids". He spent more time with ME than the kids,took my son to town and asked me to go to. It was a wonderful weekend!! He offered to do things for me,etc.etc. He never talked about the sep.papers. He asked me if he could come back in 2-3 weeks to work on somethings around the house and see the kids. I guess I should add I did sleep with him one night,I really tried not to. He was so passionate. I told him I could get sex anywhere, I didn't want to. He said this isn't just sex and u know it. He acted like my old husband, and it was so wonderful. My kids have asked him if he was trying to fix things with mom. He doesn't answer then, but says to them stop worrying so much. I want him back so bad, but I am so afraid I will misread his signals and get hurt again. Please tell me what you guys think?


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Sounds like a good sign to me, especially if he was going out of his way to spend time with you.

Best of luck!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sending him the separation papers was an act of showing you were ready to move on and it caught his attention. He can’t live away from you forever and not make a decision. Read Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough” for more understanding of the concept of tough love. It may work with him. Good luck


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. I did text him about the separation papers, telling him I want these behind me. (not really, if we do have a chance to work this out) I asked him to let me know by Monday nite. Nothing, no response to the text and he has text me, but hasn't mentioned the papers. I'm hoping this is a good sign. I not gonna mention them for awhile now. I am going to a counselor and she said I should "give alittle". I will, when I feel or truely believe he IS coming around. His actions say he is,but he says nothing to me that shows it. I just want one word out of his mouth that says to me he is wanting me back! 

Thanks, I did order the book and it should be here today!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

yes, it sounds very encouraging to me. Sounds like he didn't like not having you on a string, and you showing you had the fortitude to hand him separation papers... well, it jump started his sensibilities a little I think.
let us know how it goes!


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

After a wonderful weekend together he barely texted me the whole week. When he did, it was nice and he would joke with me and make me laugh. I just though it was strange that he texted me less than he had been after our weekend together. He went to the beach with a bunch of friends this weekend. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself and hurting alot today. I miss him so much and just wished I knew what he was thinking.....


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## amigo21 (Apr 2, 2009)

Guess he just wanted to see how it felt being alone again after all these years together... Give him sometime, he will definitely come back...


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Update: My husband came again this weekend. We finally talked about "us", something we haven't done for 3 months. Basicly he still says he doesn't know what he wants. But its strange. His actions speak loudly that he wants his family back. He claims to come and stay to see the kids and yet he spends all his time with ME. His words are as if he is confused. Which is really confusing to me. It's almost as if there is a pride issue going, and he doesn't want to admit he was wrong. But after talking some more, he has agreed for us to spend some time together and talk on the phone each nite. (he is living 2 hours away). To see what happens. He stated he never thought it would work out because of all the damage that has been done. Didn't think I would be able to forgive him, or him forgive me. (I haven't done anything but I'm sure I may have hurt him with words after he walked out on me)Also the way he said it, seemed to be more about me forgiving him. Anyway, sure enough he has called me each and every nite this week!!! You can tell in his voice he is happy to call and be talking to me. It's funny, the last year of us living together I always thought he said the right words, but his actions didn't say much. Now it's the other way around. We have spent 2 weekends together in the past month and they have been wonderful. I just wish I could hear the words from him too!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great to hear Forever. Thanks for keeping us posted. We hope it continues and we get a glowing update from you soon. Take care.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

It sounds like he has a lot of hurt and confusion going on, and probably a good dose of guilt as well. Is there any way possible the two of you can get in to see a counselor together? Some have weekend hours. Or at least see a minister together about the situation. I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

I had mentioned a councilor a few months ago, he says it won't help. I again mentioned it this weekend, he said he wasn't interested in going to a councilor. I know another worry to him is the kids. He doesn't want to get their hopes up. Basicly he says, I don't want you and the kids hurt again!!


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

I'd recommend you going by yourself even if he won't.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Actually I am going, been going for almost 2 months. It's helped me a great deal in dealing with all this.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Update: After we talked (explained in post above) he has called me everynight. He always seems very happy to talk to me. The conversations are very nice and friendly. He has made ALL the calls himself, I've not called him the first time. So he is the one making the effort. But he has left me confused again. He called my son to wish him a happy birthday and ended up talking about us. (My son is grown) Talked about just getting out of a relationship when he met me,etc. (30 years ago) Told my son I was too emotional when we split. Said he would have left years ago had our last son not had heart problems. Said there were things he couldn't ever forgive me for. He upset my son bad. My son ended up feeling like he was a mistake,etc. When my husband called me, I came down on him hard. Basicly told him to keep his mouth shut to our children. They didn't want to hear that crap. I also asked him what had I ever done that he couldn't forgive me for. He wouldn't say, said we aren't going there. I told him, didn't I have a right to know what I was being accused of? He said, well I never said it was real bad. Anyway, after I came down on him, he starts the friendly conversation up. Everything was nice (even thought I could tell my the tone of his voice he was mad). Even an hour later after we hung up, he texted me to tell me good night. Since that night he is still calling and talking very nice. I just don't understand. So why keep calling every night and talking if he really felt the way he said to my son? I'm so confused. Was talking to my son a way for him to be working through some of his issues? I just don't get it! The last visit when we had decided to start talking everynight and spending some time together to see if we could get this worked out. He had stated to me, he didn't think it would work because there was so much damage. He didn't know if I could forgive him or if he could forgive me. But it looks like he is trying still. Any thoughts??


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

We are talking every night, conversations are really good. Mainly catching up on what we both did that day,etc. He will be back in a weekend or two to stay the weekend. I guess I am so impatient, I just want things to move faster. My biggest fear is that just wants to be friends?? My friends say there is no way, he wouldn't call every night and go to all this trouble if he wasn't working his way back to us. That I need to be patient, but its hard and let him do this his way.


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## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

It sounds like there is some significant positive progress. I wish all the best for you to help it to continue. This sort of thing takes nurturing, and it sounds like you're on that path right now.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Don't know what to do....I am so hurt. My ex and I have been talking nightly for 2 weeks and it has gone well. We text during the day also. We had decided to talk and spend time together and see where it went...Well he told me yesterday that he WAS NOT in a relationship but he did have a friend with benefits. He said it would never go anywhere, they were just friends. What am I suppose to do with this??? What I do know, is that he can't be spending much time with her, because he is talking to me everynight. He has been down to stay with me a few weekends. (if she was more than a friend, she would never put up with this) Part of me feels like, I should continue to talk and see him with the understanding we can't "move closer" with his friend in the picture. The other part of me says to tell him why bother talking and forget it! I did send him a text telling him we couldn't build trust or respect with either one of us seeing anyone. So why bother talking? His response was, "I had a point!" Not sure exactly what he meant by this. Can someone please give me their thoughts on this. I just don't know what to do. I really believe he loves me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

So sorry to hear this. If he is still in love you he wouldn’t be sleeping with another woman. The point of the separation was to think about the relationship with you and determine if it could recover. Not to gain a temporary bachelor’s license. Sorry my advice is to file for divorce with cause (adultery)and move on. This is not fair to you are the marriage. I'm sorry.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

My husband has OW too and their is no contact between us. You cannot fix anything with OW in picture......period. Agree with Amplexor.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Thank you all. Don't know what I would do without you guys!!


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Update: I must have posted somewhere else, so I am going back alittle here. lol About 2 months ago, I had sent ex separation papers. It seemed to have woke him up. He started calling, texting, and coming some. We decided to talk each night and see where things went. He had said he was afraid it wouldn't work, because there was so much damage done and he didn't think I could forgive him. Anyway, it was going well. VERY well. Then suddenly he started implying things about another woman. So I nailed him on it and he claimed he was NOT in a relationship, but he did have a FWB. It was almost like he got scared because it was going well, and started this crap back up. I decided it wouldn't work, talking to him,etc with another woman around. So I mailed off the revised separation papers. He was P***ed. I got some very mad text from him. Makes no sense to me, he wanted out. He said, I wasn't worried about him at all. Geezzz. So after a few days, he texted me again a mad text. I just said to him, give it a rest already. Then suddenly he starts texting about his day,and what he needed to come to my house and take care of. I didn't even respond. He flip flops so bad, and my emotions can't take it. I do so much better when I don't hear from him. I have finally decided that I am gonna work really hard to move on for my sake. If he gets his act together and decides he does love me, surely he will move mountains to make it right. I just can't keep talking to him, never knowing which "man" I am getting that day.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

*Re: Just want some peace!*

I'm so flustrated. He won't sign the separation papers, but now claims in a few weeks when he has the money he will go ahead and get divorce papers. (Here you have to be separated for a year, he says he will lie and say we were). In one conversation he says he's not in any hurry and in the next breath he is getting married. He seems to like to say things that hurt, so who knows if it's even true. I'm at the point I just want the hurt to stop. When he leaves me alone I do well, problem is I can't seem to get him to leave me alone! He's always texting or sending pictures of (his new tv, his friends dog, whatever) I don't get it. WHY? He wants out of our marriage so why does he have the need to keep contacting me? Last text, he sent a pic of a toy he bought my dog? He wants to come this weekend to fix something at the house. I told him NO, it was being took care of. I have finally come to the point I have given up. I can't fix his problems and I need to worry about myself and the kids. I've hired a lawyer, who I will be meeting with this week. I do love him or rather the person he was. I don't even like the person he is now. He claims he has a FWB, and I am sick and tired of her being rubbed in my face. Even the pic he sent of the toy he bought my dog, read: WE BOUGHT this today for the dog. Why does he have the need to say this sh**?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> I do love him or rather the person he was. I don't even like the person he is now.


You just summed up 'hanging on syndrome'.

Wife and I have been there for months. Less than 2 weeks before we are scheduled for mediation - and she dumps TOM and wants to give it a 'real' chance.

This behavior is classic - and it is grotesquely manipulative. Stay on course with the actions that protect your welfare, and that if your children, be they adults or not. Change your cell number, or simply don't respond to any of his texts.


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## foreverhurt (Mar 15, 2009)

Update: Boy has this week been hard. Wed. night, I wasn't home and started to get really nasty text. My children started calling and they were getting the SAME nasty text sent to them from their dad! I couldn't believe he would do that! He was so ANGRY most of the text wasn't even making much sense. It was like he was skipping words or something. But the F-word was in each text 4-5 times!! He has been angry since I sent the revised separation papers. My kids (24,22,14) are all still at home. Only my oldest will talk to him and that is only to let my husband know what his share of the cell bill is, that he has with my son. Their dad rubbed another woman in their FACES months ago and still has somewhat. He walked out on us,etc. My husband doesn't see it, that he walked out on them to, only me. He knows how bad he hurt them, but doesn't take responsibilty for it. He just blames me for (turning the kids against him). I want my kids to have a GREAT relationship with their dad, but there has been so much hurt and damage done. My ex says things like, the kids know where I am (2 hours away) and needs to "fix" it with me,etc. My youngest 14, got the OW rubbed in his face the worse (if you can beleive a dad would do that) and doesn't want to talk or see him. I have done all I know to do. I've even met my ex twice with my son to see him, but it was all my idea. I made my son stay with him 1 night, but I promised him if he was getting hurt by his dad, I wouldn't make him again. He did, so I will not force him now. Now the ex is claiming he is coming to get him and will FORCE him to go stay and that it is my job to make our son want to see him! The text he sent the other night to the kids, only scared my son and the older 2 kids thinks he's crazy! I have talked to a lawyer since then. I'm just struggling with my emotions right now. I feel so guilty (I know I shouldn't). I hate that my ex is hurting so bad for his kids. I hate that he is blaming me and really appears to believe it's my fault. I hate that the kids don't have their dad! Now, I don't even want the ex around the kids, because of the hurt and that is eating me up in guilt!! I did tell him I would NOT force our son to go stay with him, but that I would be glad to meet him all he wanted to see him. I would wait in the car, and he could go in and eat with him,etc. to spend time. All I got was F. you, and telling me to have a "great life" and don't worry about him,etc. It doesn't even appear that this is even about my son, or he would make efforts to see him, even though my son doesn't want to spend the night with him. He doesn't! I just wish he would leave me alone and stop texting me or calling. It upsets me so much. He left and wanted out, so why keep on? He won't sign the sep. papers, why not? He doesn't want me anymore. He really seems to be so angry over the fact that I am moving on and not "waiting" for him. I just hope somewhere deep down he knows that he is the one that is hurting the kids so much and will stop!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It’s not about the kids, it is rage on you. Protect them the best you can and while it is painful be glad you are getting him out of your life. Any spouse that would use their kids to hurt the ex isn’t much of a person in my book. Stay strong you are doing the right thing in getting him out of your life. Good luck.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your husband doesn't feel in control anymore (relationship wise) and it seems like he is lashing out!

Do what you are doing. Protect yourself and your kids as best as you can. 

You hung in there the best you could. It takes incredible energy to be in your position.


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