# In Kinkiness Or In Health



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

When we got married 13 years ago I never thought that now it seems like every weekend he wants to go out and do something kinky (go to "clubs" that oftentimes involve BDSM or recently swingers clubs--to "check it out"). 

It starts Thursday mornings. He'll start asking me "are we going to do something kinky this weekend"? I do not usually jump up and say "hell yes". He will pout. I try to spice things up with him and I tell him I think there is a lot of stuff that we can do between us that we haven't even tried yet. So understand, doing spicy stuff btn just us works for me and I've clearly communicated that. He wants to see me flirt.

I just got my hair cut and we're going out to dinner with his son's GF's parents and he wanted me to pack my corset and boots "in case we decide to go to a kinky place afterwards." We are at the point that I don't feel I can relax when weekends come because I feel pressured wondering why can't we just go out like most people ? It seems like the only way we go out is if it involves something kinky.

I try to meet him half-way with activities I can tolerate. I've made it consistently clear that I cannot have any third party involvement. This is communicated clearly.

Do any of you have this issue? We're in our 50's.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, but I'd like to try it just for educational purposes...

It sounds like you H is focusing on the exhibitionist voyeur stuff. I don't have any suggestions other than to continue what you are already doing. You are meeting him as far as your comfort level allows, which is awesome! 

Maybe you are feeling like he's not giving you enough time to grow more comfortable with the kinkier side? I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask for a mix of kinky and vanilla. 

Where do you even find these clubs? I would love to go to one but would be very shy about the public aspect. Not sure it's really for me, but am intensely curious!

I'm 50 also.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

He would google "swingers clubs in 'x' city." Or "kinky things to do in 'x' city.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I had a boyfriend who would come spend weekends with me at my apartment. I started dreading his visits because he had some odd sexual kinks. It got to be that those particular things were the ONLY sex he wanted. I used to try to think of reasons for him not to come, and from Tues until Fri, I'd be anxious and stressed out. His kink actually caused me physical pain but I was so young and in love that I wanted to please him. 

Eventually, I had to tell him in no uncertain terms that I didn't WANT to do the stuff he wanted to do ALL THE TIME. Our sex life was all about HIM and what HE wanted and I was just his too willing vessel. 

If you're ok with the occasional trip to a "kinky place," you could compromise with one weekend a month and the other 3 are for non kinky outings. 

Do you enjoy these trips? Do you just want him to take you out on your own sometimes?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

To me this boils down to respect.

My wife is (we're in our 50's) is much more conservative than I am and when I suggest certain "things" of a sexual nature and she says 'no', then it's 'no'. I don't bring it up again. Sex can be a LOT of fun without the kink. 

No disrespect to your husband, wn2, but I have read a lot of your threads and he strikes me as a pig who has little to no respect for you or your kids. 

I'm surprised you take it like you do.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So he ignores you for days at a time, puts you on the silent treatment, and then every weekend he expects you to jump at the chance to go to a kinky club? When's the last time he wanted to take you out to dinner or to a movie, or even miniature golf? Does he ever suggest, want, or pursue plans that don't involve the kink?

When did all of this start? Did their seem to be a "trigger" for all of this sudden interest in kinky stuff?

If he's interested in going to "check out" swinger's clubs, you two might not be on the same page about third party sex involvement. And this might continue to be a source of friction. 

Have you brought that up to your counselor?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Wife#2,
I looked at your previous threads. Your H is definitely "Dark Triad" to answer one of your previous questions that go no response. However, he probably goes far beyond that and is a full up NPD. You only exist to cater to his whim of the moment. That's why whenever you push back or question some inane crap he pulls, he goes into silent treatment mode; it's punishment for failing to tell him how wonderful he is.

However far you go with him, he's going to keep pushing you (and trying to grease you with booze to lower your inhibitions) until you give him a lesbian show or copulate with some over-endowed guy he finds for you on the internet. Once you finally give him that, he'll have a new kinkster goal for you to fulfill. And then another. And another. Ad infinitum until you've done it all. 

Is he still trying to get you to take the first trip to one of these joints or have you taken the plunge yet?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Machiavelli : I actually started googling NPD last weekend instinctively AND I agree, I give in to something in the realm of kinky as a means of finding middle ground (no third parties) and it backfired because a few weeks ago I realized that he just raises the bar. 

I agree with you. Only toured one clothing optional swingers place because the nudity takes place at the outdoor pool and it was raining hard at 1PM on a Sunday. I figured that it was "safe" for me and a good-faith gesture. We had an open talk and I was clear no third parties. I asked him why he feels he needs to see strangers having sex in person as there is so much undiscovered btn us two. He claims he will remain in a male chastity belt and just wants to see me flirt. I suspect he would pursue more. I'm more if a romantic than a kinkster. I told him I don't mind doing kink with limits like some people like ethnic food. It's interesting every now and then but wouldn't desire it at every meal. 

Today is my first day of counseling. I asked him to go last night. He couldn't because he is really shorthanded but was willing to go to the next appt. I thought he would be defensive. Any suggestions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Starstarfish:

It seems like the past two years its become a weekly thing as opposed to a couple of times per year. We went to an adult club once while we were dating but we kept the activity just between us.

We used to do a lot more going out and day trips that didn't involve kink. Now ago feel like if we go out to do something like dinner, I am waiting for the kink shoe to drop off the other foot like he did last year after we went out to a dinner and a play he pulled up to a swinger's party.

Trigger: he turned 50 about that time and started being focused on kink and losing weight (he had experimental bariatric surgery).

Your thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

wifenumber2 said:


> Today is my first day of counseling. I asked him to go last night. He couldn't because he is really shorthanded but was willing to go to the next appt. I thought he would be defensive. Any suggestions?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suggest setting hard boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and make them stick. I read a blog about a woman who gave in to her husband's kinks against her will and they ended up with a total mess. She ended up cheating and hated herself and was going into deep depression...

Be true to yourself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Interesting to see his reaction to the appointment. A real NPD will leave after the appointment and tell you that the counselor is wrong, unqualified, doesn't understand, etc. once he is not validated by the counselor.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I suggest setting hard boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and make them stick. I read a blog about a woman who gave in to her husband's kinks against her will and they ended up with a total mess. She ended up cheating and hated herself and was going into deep depression...
> 
> Be true to yourself.


Yep, this is what will happen. Bit by bit, things will start getting more and more serious and kinky. It'll go way too far. Like a nuclear bomb being built and then in the end being dropped on your life. You're dignity will be smashed to pieces, and your M will never be the same again (if you're still married in the end). 

I say let him look like the pig, and keep yourself clean. If he decides that he still wants to pursue extramarital affairs, then he can have them. Just don't give in to his stupidity.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Still going to IC. H still starts asking if we are going to go out and go to someplace kinky. I let him know in no uncertain terms "No third parties". So far I'm standing firm on this. I am initiating more and hoping that making things more interesting at home will lessen the requests for doing clubs etc.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

wifenumber2 said:


> Still going to IC. H still starts asking if we are going to go out and go to someplace kinky. I let him know in no uncertain terms "No third parties". So far I'm standing firm on this. I am initiating more and hoping that making things more interesting at home will lessen the requests for doing clubs etc.


Be true to yourself.


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