# I'm lost and not sure how to proceed.



## West (Jul 4, 2017)

I'm sitting in a Mcdonalds lobby trying to wrap my head around the issue that is my marriage. I want nothing more than to work it out but I don't think I have the patience and strength to continue and I'm also too frightened and weak to want to leave her. We have 2 boys whom she states she regrets and doesn't want and I know that should be the slap in the face for me to end it. But I come from having only one parent and I know how difficult it is. She claims she hates me but that I can keep trying to change it. I took my vows seriously and feel like I should make it work, but she doesn't want to help. I've always been a great problem solver/fixer and it's tearing me apart that I'm making no progress with this. I've done my homework too, trying to apply any and everything to work but I feel she is so dead set on it not working out that she doesn't see all the effort I put in. Does anyone every change in the end to make things work. Can one person really change anothers view twards them. If so, how. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

West said:


> I'm sitting in a Mcdonalds lobby trying to wrap my head around the issue that is my marriage. I want nothing more than to work it out but I don't think I have the patience and strength to continue and I'm also too frightened and weak to want to leave her. We have 2 boys whom she states she regrets and doesn't want and I know that should be the slap in the face for me to end it. But I come from having only one parent and I know how difficult it is. She claims she hates me but that I can keep trying to change it. I took my vows seriously and feel like I should make it work, but she doesn't want to help. I've always been a great problem solver/fixer and it's tearing me apart that I'm making no progress with this. I've done my homework too, trying to apply any and everything to work but I feel she is so dead set on it not working out that she doesn't see all the effort I put in. Does anyone every change in the end to make things work. Can one person really change anothers view twards them. If so, how.


Yes, a person can change another's view towards them. How? You have to change yourself.

You are letting her intimidate you and push you around.

Get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"... read it. Do it.

Part of the problem right now is that she wants attention and she will act out to get it. That's why she posts all the photos. When she acts out with you, she is getting your attention. Stop giving her attention for her acting badly.

Go home and tell her that you want your marriage to work and would love for her to work with you to fix it. But you know that you cannot make her do anything. So she is free to leave if she does not want to work on the marriage. But you will not move out of the home with your children and she cannot move your children out of the family home.

I doubt that she dislikes her children as much as she says she does. It's an attention getting act she's putting on. 

Then focus on yourself and your children.

When you change an environment, everything and every creature it in has to change to adapt. When you change, she will have to change or leave. 

After you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". These books tell you what you have to do to rebuild your relationship with her... and what she needs to do. So if she decides to start working on the marriage, she will also need to read LB and HN/HN.


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## West (Jul 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, a person can change another's view towards them. How? You have to change yourself.
> 
> You are letting her intimidate you and push you around.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I'll start reading right away

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Elle's advice is spot on, your wife sounds like she is 'cutting off her nose to spite her face' to try and hurt you. You have to turn off that switch and stop feeding into her drama. I know it is difficult.

Be firm with her but kind.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Monumental effort is meaningless to one who does not have the ability for gratitude.

You can't "fix" her. You can't change her. Why would you even want to? You can only fix or change yourself. 

Additionally, only a dysfunctional person would entertain the notion of abandoning their sons.

If you continue to hang on, this will likely get worse. 



West said:


> I'm sitting in a Mcdonalds lobby trying to wrap my head around the issue that is my marriage. I want nothing more than to work it out but I don't think I have the patience and strength to continue and I'm also too frightened and weak to want to leave her. We have 2 boys whom she states she regrets and doesn't want and I know that should be the slap in the face for me to end it. But I come from having only one parent and I know how difficult it is. She claims she hates me but that I can keep trying to change it. I took my vows seriously and feel like I should make it work, but she doesn't want to help. I've always been a great problem solver/fixer and it's tearing me apart that I'm making no progress with this. I've done my homework too, trying to apply any and everything to work but I feel she is so dead set on it not working out that she doesn't see all the effort I put in. Does anyone every change in the end to make things work. Can one person really change anothers view twards them. If so, how.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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