# Another Emotional Affair Thread



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Is there a such thing as a one sided EA? I've written before about 2 of my coworkers who have a very unusual friendship...it's been going on for almost 3 years, he spends a ridiculous amount of time up here with her and of course, they're 'just friends'. 

Personally, I think he'd bang her like a screen door in the wind given half a chance, but she is the one that puzzles me. She's not the brightest bulb, shall we say, and I am not sure she even realizes what this pig's motives are. 

So do any of you believe an EA can be one sided?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> he'd bang her like a screen door in the wind


Oh my crap, NO! That is THE FUNNIEST THING I've heard in ages.  Okay, I'm ALL BETTER now!

YES, YES, YES, I think an EA can DEFINITELY be one-sided. After all, an EA is about giving thoughts, feelings, time, energy, emotions to someone OUTSIDE of your significant relationship. The fact that the feelings are/are not returned is immaterial to me.

I think an EA is kind of an 'addiction' of the emotions. People can be addicted to 'things': sex, gambling, drinking, drugs, porn, video games, sports, hobbies, etc. If your addiction is another person OR imagining a life with another person (a REAL person, a fantasy person), then THAT is an EA because you are taking your time, energy, emotions, etc. AWAY from your current relationship and investing them elsewhere (even if it's just in your own head.)


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The reason I wonder whether it truly is one sided though? She sneaks off to be alone with him...why would you be sneaking if you didn't think you were doing anything wrong!?!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Is either of them married/LTR?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

They are both married, and apparently, their respective SOs know about the friendship and give their blessing. I'm not buying it, tho, especially in his case, as he is too touchy feely with her, and there's too much whispering and stuff...if I was his wife, I'd have a problem with my husband spending 3 hours a DAY with another woman. And they do not work together, either...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sure it can. It's called a crush. Remember having that crush in HS where you were all wrapped up in someone else and they hardly knew you? And if they did know you, and you were friends, they were NOT into you? But you obsessed and in your mind it was more? And you read into everything they said/did/didn't do?

Yea.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sure it can. It's called a crush. Remember having that crush in HS where you were all wrapped up in someone else and they hardly knew you? And if they did know you, and you were friends, they were NOT into you? But you obsessed and in your mind it was more? And you read into everything they said/did/didn't do?
> 
> Yea.


Ya, I guess so, although the woman definitely knows the guy in question 

I guess I just figure a woman in her 50's would know better by now. 

I met her hubs for the first time last week. Felt like crying when I met him, cuz he doesn't deserve this crap, whether she knows what she's doing or not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think some women buy into the EA whether consciously or unconsciously because they like the idea of getting affection and material favours without having to "put out." And better still for some, they probably like knowing how pissed it makes the wives of their EA partner.

My exH was a little too courtly to the wives of his friends. These women in turn were dismissive of me. I still feel certain that there was never any interest on either side to take it to a PA. 

Sadly, that was when I had bought into the belief that open and honest communication was the way to go in a relationship. All I did was let my husband know where the soft underbelly was. I think a lot of people like kicking others when they are down.

There has been discussion of one sided EAs here. the woman whose husband is a golfing tutor for example..... Maybe the man likes a new object to worship or maybe he doesn't really understand that his object of desire is not going any further, but well it does happen.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh god is this the one that gave her a pair of his stinky old trainers? I still laugh about that


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I remember the golfing tutor now...but I sensed that that woman was using him for her own personal gain, and, as you said above, loving it because she didn't have to put out.

My colleague is literally a 'deer in the headlights' kind of dazed ditz...she really is 'special'. That's the only reason I question any of her behaviour, although like I said, she sneaks off with him alone, so she must know on some level that it's not right.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's all good feelings and innocent, "till someone gets an eye put out", so to speak.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> oh god is this the one that gave her a pair of his stinky old trainers? I still laugh about that


Yes, that's the one! I've started coming into the office for 6:30 again, and he's literally up here waiting for her...gahhhhh! Then, they go for a coffee, then he comes back up here for another 30-45 minutes, at least one more visit before lunch (15-20 min) then lunch, then he comes back with her straight after lunch, then he comes and says good night before he leaves at 2...LMAO! In any normal company, they'd have both been fired by now


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Sure it can.* It's called a crush. * Remember having that crush in HS where you were all wrapped up in someone else and they hardly knew you? And if they did know you, and you were friends, they were NOT into you? But you obsessed and in your mind it was more? And you read into everything they said/did/didn't do?
> 
> Yea.


You beat me to it. I was going to say the same exact thing.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Here he comes again for more back rubbing and giggling...4th time this morning. Maybe when I put in for my transfer, I'll tell management WHY I want to get the hell out of here....


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

CG,

What is the appropriate thing to do about this? Do you think you should talk to her? In a sly way, set her up in front of her husband, boss or other so her and his EA is exposed? 

What is the right way to handle something like this?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by 2ntnuf
> What is the right way to handle something like this?


In MY opinion (of course I'm a snarky be-yotch)...

Leave a big-azz sign (computer printer-generated, of course) posted on a wall in a public corridor RIGHT NEAR HER DESK AREA that says something like...

"Hey, Liz & Tom, GET A ROOM...we're trying to WORK around here!"

Honestly, I'd probably do it if I worked there. I'd keep a straight face, too, the whole time...until I went in the Ladies' Room and busted a gut laughing! :rofl:

I might even tape a pen on a string next to it to 'encourage' people to sign it!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I'm really not sure how to handle this...it's delicate, since this is where we all work. I probably wouldn't expose myself, but if an angry husband or wife surfaces asking questions I certainly wouldn't cover their tracks.

I'd print up stuff on EAs and leave it on her desk, but she'd probably know it was me. :FIREdevil:

To date, I've been kinda hoping for it to fizzle out on its own. At the very least, 3 more years of it until one of them retires. Then, they can do WTF they want, at least I won't have see it anymore.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

A one way EA certainly can happen. It happened to me. Since as you observe that she is not the sharpest, she might not have any idea that their behavior is stretching boundaries. Perhaps you can have lunch with her sometime and gently let her know about EAs. 

I didn't know about EAs when I was in mine. It took a lot of reading and surfing to get it for me. Only then did I notice that I was escalating contact inappropriately. You might help her with the same wake up call. She probably just doesn't see it yet and she may deny it. I did at first. 

BTW, the screen door comment was really funny.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's 9:00 a.m. and my co-worker's EA partner has been up here at her desk 5 frigging times....since 6:45. He was up here sniffing around when I got in. I think I'm at the point when I'm going to have to say something to the bosses, as I just can't take it anymore.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Yes, that's the one! I've started coming into the office for 6:30 again, and he's literally up here waiting for her...gahhhhh! Then, they go for a coffee, then he comes back up here for another 30-45 minutes, at least one more visit before lunch (15-20 min) then lunch, then he comes back with her straight after lunch, then he comes and says good night before he leaves at 2...LMAO! In any normal company, they'd have both been fired by now


Sure there can be one sided affairs. I've had many. But these two are in love and they both know it.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Honestly, they both make me want to puke. I've decided to launch a complaint, I just have to figure out how to do it without ostracizing myself at the office or looking like the bad guy.

Another woman complained once, a year or so ago, and things got bad for her. The EA couple and their friends spread around that she was 'just jealous'.

There's no confidentiality here.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

No, I don't believe they are one sided or can be one sided. I'll use myself for an example...If I perceive that a man is getting too close to me or too attached, I back off on the friendship (at work - I have no male friends outside of work). I've had to do it several times. These days I try to keep my distance a little better in the first place because I recoginize that male on female "friendships" are almost fictional. 

It takes two...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> They are both married, and apparently, their respective SOs know about the friendship and give their blessing. I'm not buying it, tho, especially in his case, as he is too touchy feely with her, and there's too much whispering and stuff...if I was his wife, I'd have a problem with my husband spending 3 hours a DAY with another woman. And they do not work together, either...


I bet their SO's don't know about the 3 hours a day and sneaking...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> It's 9:00 a.m. and my co-worker's EA partner has been up here at her desk 5 frigging times....since 6:45. He was up here sniffing around when I got in. I think I'm at the point when I'm going to have to say something to the bosses, as I just can't take it anymore.


Why don't you pipe up and ask him loudly, "Don't you have a job to go do? Stay here any longer and I'll have my supervisor put you to work!"


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Why don't you *pipe up and ask him *loudly, "Don't you have a job to go do? Stay here any longer and I'll have my supervisor put you to work!"


I guess I am avoiding conflict in the workplace...but there has to be a right way to do this without causing an office riot. Aside from the two of them, they're also a part of a little office gang (I am not a member!). I could easily see myself being labeled a trouble maker, which is what keeps me quiet about it....I'll have to complain to management or something, I guess. But I would want a guarantee of confidentiality, before doing so.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I bet their SO's don't know about the 3 hours a day and sneaking...


I'll bet not, either.  I just have this sinking feeling that the guy's poor wife sits at home, devastated because her husband of 30+ years is captivated by this dunce at the office...Hhhhh...


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Not emotional affairs, no. I mean men are pursuers, women are the pursued. The poor thing has no clue! I didn't with every guy who ever crushed on me. It's not really an emotional affair, it's just a crush, since its not reciprocated.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

kipani said:


> Not emotional affairs, no. I mean men are pursuers, women are the pursued. The poor thing has no clue! I didn't with every guy who ever crushed on me. It's not really an emotional affair, it's just a crush, since its not reciprocated.


Not exactly...it may not be reciprocated but it certainly isn't being discouraged, either. He just left after another 15 minute visit of sitting VERY close, whispering and giggling. That, after an hour's lunch together. He's been up here 7 f*cking times already, today. It's enough.

He has a reputation for stuff like this; a real casanova (sp?). Makes me sick, all of it.

I should change the title of this thread to:

Help Me Bring Down My Co-Worker's EA


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Since you can't TRUST management to not SQUEAL on you for complaining about this situation...

Go to a public library and type up a simple letter of complaint (it won't be found on YOUR company computer's hard-drive)
Print it out
Ask a MAN to address the envelopes for you
Mail them THROUGH THE CANADIAN POST to the appropriate people at your company
I'd actually consider looking up the mailing address for these spouses and sending a copy of the letter (which is addressed to the company) to them. I'd sure as hell want to know if MY SPOUSE was carrying on like a jack-azz at work (especially if he was NOT doing his job and slacking off...at risk of getting fired!) But, that's just me!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I'll bet not, either.  I just have this sinking feeling that the guy's poor wife sits at home, devastated because her husband of 30+ years is captivated by this dunce at the office...Hhhhh...


She probably doesn't even know. Even if this is making him more distant to her at home, she probably doesn't know why.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I guess I am avoiding conflict in the workplace...but there has to be a right way to do this without causing an office riot. Aside from the two of them, they're also a part of a little office gang (I am not a member!). I could easily see myself being labeled a trouble maker, which is what keeps me quiet about it....I'll have to complain to management or something, I guess. But I would want a guarantee of confidentiality, before doing so.


I'm trying to picture an office gang. Like, do the men **** their ties off to the side and do silly office-related hand gestures to eachother, and the women wear shorter skirts and blouses that display their paperclip tattoos on their breasts? Do they roam the cubicles menacingly? LOL I know, I'm wierd.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I guess I am avoiding conflict in the workplace...but there has to be a right way to do this without causing an office riot. Aside from the two of them, they're also a part of a little office gang (I am not a member!). I could easily see myself being labeled a trouble maker, which is what keeps me quiet about it....I'll have to complain to management or something, I guess. But I would want a guarantee of confidentiality, before doing so.


Can't you write an anonymous letter to her boss and his boss and deliver them when the bosses are out to lunch?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The only way I see this stopping is if one or both of them had pressure from their spouses to do it. If the other coworkers are all into the little cliquish behavior, doing anything at work from a professional standpoint will be a waste of time. It has to come from home. 

If only you could video them on your phone and email it. Or something else more devious. lol


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I'm trying to picture an office gang. Like, do the men **** their ties off to the side and do silly office-related hand gestures to eachother, and the women wear shorter skirts and blouses that display their paperclip tattoos on their breasts? Do they roam the cubicles menacingly? LOL I know, I'm wierd.


No, it's not like a sitcom  None of the women here wear short skirts. And the office couple in question? He's in his 60's and she's mid 50's. Neither are much to look at, TBH...I mean, if they were young and stupid, then I might be able to give it a pass...Or at least go up to them and say "Hey, come on, guys, cool it down a little...".


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> The only way I see this stopping is if one or both of them had pressure from their spouses to do it. If the other coworkers are all into the little cliquish behavior, doing anything at work from a professional standpoint will be a waste of time. It has to come from home.
> 
> If only you could video them on your phone and email it. Or something else more devious. lol


That's what I was thinking...the last woman who stuck her nose in was just told to mind her own business.

I saw the guy out in a pub with 2 women and another guy; at first, I thought the woman sitting with him was his wife. She was throwing eye daggers. My husband said "She probably thinks you're D." Anyways, I found out later that it wasn't his wife. Just some other woman he was out with from the gym! 

This, apparently, is the way he behaves with the ladies. I don't really give a sh!t about either of these two, in fact, I don't even really like them. I just find it disruptive in the workplace, and I don't feel like having to see it anymore. At the very least, let them conduct their stupid little 'friendship' somewhere else.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh I can only imagine how annoying they are. Makes you wonder... his wife probably ignores him completely. She's one of those checked out spouses that does her own thing. She can't be that oblivious about her husbands flirty behavior. That's not something you can ignore... I take that back, you can IGNORE it but you know how he is. Maybe she stopped caring. Not so sure about her husband though. 

I hope my husband and I never lose that closeness when we're in our 50's and 60's. I don't want us to just be roomates. I still want the passion to be going strong as ever. That 'I can't wait to get home' feeling should never go away.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Oh I can only imagine how annoying they are. Makes you wonder... his wife probably ignores him completely. She's one of those checked out spouses that does her own thing. She can't be that oblivious about her husbands flirty behavior. That's not something you can ignore... I take that back, you can IGNORE it but you know how he is. Maybe she stopped caring. Not so sure about her husband though.
> 
> I hope my husband and I never lose that closeness when we're in our 50's and 60's. I don't want us to just be roomates. I still want the passion to be going strong as ever. That 'I can't wait to get home' feeling should never go away.


Maybe the wife is checked out, doesn't care, whatever...when I met the husband, however, I felt sick for him. Thought to myself, "You have no clue at all what your wife is getting up to all day at the office...". Because I doubt there's a man on the planet who wouldn't have a problem with the amount of time this woman is devoting to another man; whether she's innocent or just plain too stupid to realize what she's doing...encouraging the romantic/sexual attention of another man would probably be a big no-no for most men. Throwing little birthday parties, giving stupid Dollarama gifts notwithstanding!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Maybe the wife is checked out, doesn't care, whatever...when I met the husband, however, I felt sick for him. Thought to myself, "You have no clue at all what your wife is getting up to all day at the office...". Because I doubt there's a man on the planet who wouldn't have a problem with the amount of time this woman is devoting to another man; whether she's innocent or just plain too stupid to realize what she's doing...encouraging the romantic/sexual attention of another man would probably be a big no-no for most men. Throwing little birthday parties, giving stupid Dollarama gifts notwithstanding!


Yep I bet that's what's going on. She's a better liar of the two. She may be ditzy but she has figured out a way to get that need for attention met at home AND at work. And nope, no man into their spouse would like what she's got going on. Hell even the men that aren't that into their spouse would have a problem with it. It's a territorial thing if nothing else.

I feel bad and I don't even know the lady's husband. She makes him look like a total fool.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Yep I bet that's what's going on. She's a better liar of the two. She may be ditzy but she has figured out a way to get that need for attention met at home AND at work. And nope, no man into their spouse would like what she's got going on. Hell even the men that aren't that into their spouse would have a problem with it. It's a territorial thing if nothing else.
> 
> I feel bad and I don't even know the lady's husband. She makes him look like a *total fool*.


What compounds this, is that her 'work husband' struts around this place like a proud pea****. In his area, it is commonly believed that they are indeed a couple...and he does nothing to dispell the myth, either. I overheard someone ask him the other day "Oh, where's your lover???" and he just replied "Oh, she's not coming down, she's not feeling well right now...". Barf.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Is there a such thing as a one sided EA? I've written before about 2 of my coworkers who have a very unusual friendship...it's been going on for almost 3 years, he spends a ridiculous amount of time up here with her and of course, they're 'just friends'.
> 
> Personally, I think he'd bang her like a screen door in the wind given half a chance, but she is the one that puzzles me. She's not the brightest bulb, shall we say, and I am not sure she even realizes what this pig's motives are.
> 
> So do any of you believe an EA can be one sided?


Definitely. And it can be quite dangerous...

I had a boss, once, who went out of his way to keep me working late and try to get me to go for drinks with him after work - "to chat in a more relaxed atmosphere." I eventually accepted an invitation to dinner with him and his wife, after which he was even more insistent that he and I having drinks after work was acceptable. Eventually, he asked me if my refusal to socialize with him after work was because he was married, and when I told him that it definitely had _something_ to do with it, he was staggered. :scratchhead:

He then made my working life such hell that I had to look for another job. He told me that "Your work life could have been a lot easier, Cosmos. The choice to have it otherwise has been yours!"

I still feel saddened when I think of his down trodden, care worn wife and their sick child...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I had a close friend at one time that was a male, at work, and it was totally platonic and everything. We worked together...desks by each other and everything...so we were kind of stuck together anyway. Well, other people like to go to bars and stuff at lunch and others take naps, we didn't fit in to either one of those lunch categories so we would get lunch and eat it together at one or the other's desk. We are both musicians, so we would talk about music and our kids. 

Well people started calling us Mr and Mrs [his last name]. I didn't like it and I didn't want people to think something was going on so I kind of backed off and just started having lunch by myself. I work in a predominately male work place and there is very few women who kind of do their own thing at lunch so it's no like I have many choices for lunch partners. So it kind of sucks in a way we couldn't just hang out without people labeling us as a couple. I just surf the net now or read.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Yeah that sounds like dating to me, Daydream lol


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, unfortunately, perception is everything sometimes. I think you did the right thing backing off, FWIW.

I have an office admirer of my own. He doesn't ***** foot around however, he comes right out and tells me what it is he's interested in, and I have no problem shutting him down every time. Then, he'll pretend that it's all just joking around...well, maybe it's a joke to him, but it isn't to me, and I wouldn't want people thinking that I'm stepping out on my husband.

I keep men around work at arms length...even then, they still try. I had a man insist on buying my coffee last week at the caf...I am polite with him, but I avoid him on purpose, because I had a feeling he was interested (it's no secret that I'm unavailable). I also like him as a person, have worked with him in the past, and feel that something inappropriate could easily be struck up. Boundaries. I won't take the chance.

I just can't believe what some people are like around here. To tell you the truth, I never noticed it before TAM (and getting married).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's a fine balance, Daydream. Nothing wrong with chatting and openly eating lunch at a desk in the workplace with a member of the opposite sex, the way you did. It's not as though you were going off somewhere together and chatting privately. However, if it gave rise to office gossip, it's best to do what you did.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Set up a webcam, tape like 3 days of interactions, edit them to a cut scene video with a time stamp and email their respective spouses. 

Okay okay, not practical, but the fireworks display would be impressive.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I just wish I could make her see what it is she's doing...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

How civilized do you think the world would be if we just up and told people what we really thought of them? (aka-the truth)


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The thing is, it's tearing apart a really long standing friendship...not between my and her, but between her and 2 other women who've all worked together for nearly 20 years.

One of these ladies has blinders on; she says "Oh they're just good friends" all the time. I think she's got her head up her ass! The other lady is venemous about it, all behind backs and whispers, of course!

I'm caught in the middle! I try to stay out of it, but every time the smarmy prick comes to our office, I do my inner groan....


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

DayDream said:


> How civilized do you think the world would be if we just up and told people what we really thought of them? (aka-the truth)


I do that daydream. Its why I don't have many friends. I told one of my friends just last week she liked to feel too sorry for herself all the time to be friends with when she didn't have any problems. I posted a victim thread here somewhere about it haha.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Ha! I do it sometimes too. I told a friend of mine at work to grow a pair of balls already and break it off with this girl he's been seeing that he keeps saying he's not compatible with and doesn't really want to see anymore, but she keeps coming around and pestering him so he'll go out with her...and he does. He told me "I broke it off with her last weekend " and I said "how" and he said he stopped answering the phone when she called. That was his idea of breaking it off. I told him thats not breaking it off...thats just not answering the phone. and said he needed to stop wimping out and tell her. Ugh...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Ha! I do it sometimes too. I told a friend of mine at work to grow a pair of balls already and break it off with this girl he's been seeing that he keeps saying he's not compatible with and doesn't really want to see anymore, but she keeps coming around and pestering him so he'll go out with her...and he does. *He told me "I broke it off with her last weekend " and I said "how" and he said he stopped answering the phone when she called. That was his idea of breaking it off. I told him thats not breaking it off...thats just not answering the phone. and said he needed to stop wimping out and tell her. Ugh.*..


Sometimes the slow fade works on some people. But this type of woman in the workplace usually has entitlement issues. She may think she's owed a relationship and will use the relationship history as her justification. Let him know if the she continues to call, he'll have to be more direct with a no contact e-mail....... and ready to deal with the fall out from doing so.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Ha! I do it sometimes too. I told a friend of mine at work to grow a pair of balls already and break it off with this girl he's been seeing that he keeps saying he's not compatible with and doesn't really want to see anymore, but she keeps coming around and pestering him so he'll go out with her...and he does. He told me "I broke it off with her last weekend " and I said "how" and he said he stopped answering the phone when she called. That was his idea of breaking it off. I told him thats not breaking it off...thats just not answering the phone. and said he needed to stop wimping out and tell her. Ugh...


Huh, he's just killing time (and probably getting laid) only holding onto her until something better comes along. Guys like that are a dime a dozen; he won't break it off because he's getting something from her.


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