# ? 1st time cheat



## confusedb2b (Dec 9, 2008)

My fiance and i have been together for 2 years and have been engaged since march of this year. our relationship has always been honest and loving. When we first got together I liked him and thought he was ok. After my ex, I never thought i could get a nice guy and i feel when i met him i thought i was happy but lately i feel i have settled. We moved in together about 4 months into our relationship and we fell in love with each other and he too with my son. I felt i was living a good life... he is a great guy who i feel loves my son but and he says he is happy with us but i don't feel happy and i do love him but i feel that its something that may not stand the test of time...

He isn't passionate about many things and is comfortable at his job that isn't great. I can't explain it to much but when he kisses me there isn't much there I just don't feel it... not like i did in past relationships. he isn't initmate about anything sex is always the same and never changes and i feel sometimes everything is forced. 

when he asked me to marry him i felt that this is it and i can do this and that he is the one i am meant to be with for the rest of my life. and dove into planning and thought i was happy. Our finanaces are ok but i am the totally paying for this wedding and he hasn't helped out at all in the 9 months we have been planning. 

i changed jobs in june of this year and started out at days and after 2 months went to nights (3rd shift 11 to 7am). I work with ALLLL guys and i am the only female that is in the lab and inspection area... a crush formed about 3 months ago and i never acted on it and i had never acted on a crush like that before, i had never felt that way about any one on the outside while i have been in a relationship.

well about 2 months ago things have changed between us... we talk at work more we hang out after work and a month ago my fiance crashed my car, totaled it, it was a gift from my grand mother before she had pased away. after he totaled my car he never gave me any money to help get a new car and i had to use money from our wedding fund to get a new car. Keep in mind i live in NH and i know everyone needs insurance but we have had an extremely hard time and it having an extra expense was to much for us so we had to cancel it the begining of this year. 

i am finding i don't like being around him very much, i hate wedding planning and at times just want to go away and forget getting married. and other times he can be amazing but he will say things or do things and walks away and i hate it when he doesn't face things with us emotionally. 

however, i work with this amazing guy who totally has his head on straight and is focused and treats a girl like gold when he is in a relationship. he helpped me find a car and has helpped me to fix it up as well... he is totally supportive of his family and wants to help them as much as he can... after he helped me find a car and we hung out a biti want to say about its been over a month and half now it reached a different level... he kissed me like i have never been kissed and more passionately then ever, it was the perfect first kiss and every kiss after that. 

alone we are like teenagers (which we are not, both in mid to late twenties) making out and holding each other, trying to spend as much time together as we can without messing other things up... and 2 weeks ago it went further i have never cheated before and for the first time my sex drive came back, for as long as my finace and i have been together it has been GONE.... the other man and i ... we are like rabbits... every where we kiss and turn each other on and before we know it we are at it, he touches me in a way i can't explain... he other night i was out drinking with friends and i called him up and we ended up at the beach together.... 

my fiance found out about the kissing but he hasn't about the sex... 

I am not sure what to do, i know the other man and I we do have extremely strong feelings for each other and a connection like no other, he is 5 years younger then me and i am afraid he isn't ready for the level commitment that i am ready for in my life, since i am a single mom i am not looking for a fly by night thing which i don't think it is but afraid it may not last. I am confused...if i should continue my engagement and seek counseling with my fiance or do i end everything continue to be with my co-worker (we don't work in the same area) who makes me feel totally alive and i have drive back again and could potently have something amazing with!!???


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Do you think that what you are feeling will last. What do you think would happen if you were living with "the other" guy? Will your feelings stay true to him. From my experinece, when 2 people are trying to impress one another they are at their best. When that stops....things change.. things change when you are with one another for a long period of time. I feel like what you are feeling is temporary. When we acquire those "in love" feelings things are great...when they dissappear things are not so great. We have a choice..... either to give up and find "in love" feelings with someone else or find out why we fell in love with the one we are with in the first place. Hey, if you love this other guy you aren't married yet. I personally think you owe it to your fiance to come clean and call off the wedding. However, don't expect things to stay the way they are with your lover. Good luck!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Break off the wedding and get rid of the old boyfriend he deserves much better than you.

draconis


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## KarenPohlman (Dec 9, 2008)

You need to come clean with your fiance and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like you have a history of sexual mismanagment. Sex is not love and intimacy is not sex. It sounds like you have an issue with intimacy and that is what you need to focus on. You owe it to your child to figure out your stuff so that he won't learn to cope the way you have. The "in love" feelings will not last for long with the other guy and if he's so great, what is he doing dating a woman who is engaged to another man. it sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. He knows that he doesn't have to do the full job of a husband, he gets away with just the benefits. You need to learn to deal with your feelings differently. A good book to read is Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Sounds like you made up your mind. I did notice there is nothing in your note about communication with your fiance. Either your communication sucks/sucked or he is a jerk and isn't into your marriage. Do what makes you happy. Do note that if you have communcation problems they will carry over to the new boyfrind.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MrHappy said:


> Sounds like you made up your mind. I did notice there is nothing in your note about communication with your fiance. Either your communication sucks/sucked or he is a jerk and isn't into your marriage. Do what makes you happy. Do note that if you have communcation problems they will carry over to the new boyfrind.


That's if he sticks around for you. Right now the sex is good will he stay if it isn't? How long have you known him? Does he have anger/control issues? Does he respect you after you cheated on your soon to be husband ? WIll he cheat on you if things are going well since you have done so to your man?

draconis


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## jasonus03 (Jan 14, 2009)

One thing I've learned about men and women. When they're single they will tell you anything you want to hear to get into your pants. And if you tell him how crappy your current relatioship is he will agree with you on every point. It's just more ammuntion for him to use on you. Also, when a relationship is new the sex is always great. Are you sure this is love or infatuation? 

Also, I have absolutely no respect for any man that messes with an engaged or married woman. They don't have any respect for the person they are fooling with, nor do they have any respect for the person's spouse. You should be asking yourself why this "other man" is still single in the first place. 

Plus, I can guarantee his motive from the time you became friends was to get with you. Personally, I think this other guy is a douchbag and that you definitely need to come clean with your husband. He deserves that much. 

In many situations people tend to think that their spouse doesn't like them anymore because of lack of attention. In a lot of cases that isn't true. They have just gotten used to the relationship and have gotten a little too relaxed. MAybe he doesn't know how you feel. Instead of having an affair you should have talked to him. Like I said, he needs to know. I bet he is already investigating on his own and he will keep asking questions. It's best for you to put it all out on the table so he can make sense of it all. It will hurt both of you, but that comes with the territory.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You're saying YOU feel like you settled, but it sounds like in a lot of ways your BF is the one that is settling. You say your relationship has always been honest and loving, but yet, you have all these feelings of anger or hostility towards him. If you have a history of NOT dating nice guys, maybe you are bored with the relationship because there is not that "drama" that is inherent in relationships with nice guys. By starting an affair with the guy at work, you've found a way to create the drama you are so used to. More than likely the OM is telling you EXACTLY what you want to hear, and feels comfortable doing it because not only did it get him laid, BUT he's safe because he does not have to commit to you, since you go home to your BF at the end of every tryst. 
Ditch the marriage plans. Your BF deserves to be in the honest and loving relationship he thinks he is in. More than a marriage, you need to step back and take a LONG look at how you handle relationships and the effect this not only has on YOU, but on your son too. Your decision to cheat has not only affected you, but it affects your BF AND your son.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I'm 43 and have given up most of my life to men who i'm not compatible sexually with. once upon a time someone gave me some advice - it was to NEVER turn down a chance to have great sex. I was married at the time, and 20 and ignored him. 23 years later, I totally agree with him. don't expect it to last, do tell your fiance about it, but don't give up on the sex as long as it's good. There is no going back.

The best of all worlds is to find a man you are sexually compatible with and marry them and have great sex for the rest of your life. Getting married for any other reason is a waste of time, efforts and energy.

A sexless life is a wasted one. 

Good luck - do what you feel is right...


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