# Struggles of a newlywed!



## goneshoeshopping (Jan 3, 2012)

I’m a newlywed and am wondering if I’m the only person in the world experiencing these issues. 

2 months before our very recent wedding, my husband suggested I come off the birth control pill, which I did. It was an exciting time for me, wondering if I could get pregnant, especially after many years of hoping that one day I might have the privilege of being a parent. Last week (just 2 months into our marriage) he dropped a bombshell and told me he is no longer ready to be a parent. He wants to stop trying for children now, and said “I’m not even sure I’d be a good father anyway” ... does not want his “whole life” to revolve around a child ...and wants to just enjoy our marriage for a while. I understand his feelings about wanting to enjoy our marriage – since we met, we’ve been very busy with home renovations, new jobs and travel. However I feel the issue runs deeper. For a few weeks he’s been dropping subtle hints, including disparaging remarks about friends of ours who have a baby. His opinion is they have been “sucked into suburbia” and “their whole life is about their child”. I simply see 2 happy parents who are enjoying life. He also kept saying things like “if we have a baby, our entire lives are going to change.” Etc etc. I tried to gently reassure him that yes, our lives will change – but we’re a great team and we will manage that change as best we can. I reassured him that we would be a great father. I was enjoying coasting along, seeing what might happen and quietly enjoying that glorious and mysterious excitement of potentially falling pregnant, despite the fact that we don’t often have sex. Now I feel that if I did fall pregnant, he would offer the same amount of general disengagement as he did when we were planning our wedding. (I planned the wedding from start to finish with very little input from him, despite asking for it). I am scared that the same thing will happen with a baby now – he will switch off. So in the spirit of acceptance and compromise in marriage, I suggested we use condoms for a while, just to give the issue a bit of ‘breathing space’. 

He agreed, so I suggested he purchase the condoms as this is ultimately about his decision, and I have previously paid for and organised all the birth control in our relationship. It took him 1 week to buy them, so I had to send him to the shops - and we haven’t had sex since. The whole scenario has left me feeling angry, betrayed and alone – but I try to put on a sunny face. I feel if this issue gets out of control, it could cause a huge wedge between us. Does anyone have any advice? 

I am nearly 37 years old.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long had you dated prior to getting married? How old is he?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goneshoeshopping (Jan 3, 2012)

We dated for 2.5 years before we got married. He is 35 years old, turning 36 soon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you?

Why do you seldom have sex?

This does not sound good at all. It's not a situation to bring a child into at all. Is he having doubts about the marriage?


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## goneshoeshopping (Jan 3, 2012)

I am nearly 37 years old. 

So we don't exactly have years to wait for children, but nor do I want to become one of those bioligical-clock women who harrass their partner into it. I just wanted to go with the flow.

Not sure why we seldom have sex. At the beginning of our relationship it was more frequent, then it started to become less frequent. On our honeymoon he only made ONE sexual advance toward me, which is odd because he very often tells me I am beautiful. I make an effort - going to the gym, dressing nicely and buying some nice matching underwear. But somehow I just lose interest too. I guess I need to FEEL desired to feel like sex. I thought new husbands couldn't get enough of their wives - isn't that what being a newlywed is all about? It's like we're in our 70s.

He is certainly not having doubts about the marriage, but recently he's been odd. In a carpark recently, given the tense atmosphere with him, I decided to try to lighten things up and pretend to withhold the carkeys from him (just a playful flirty little gesture, I was laughing and joking around) and instead of laughing along with me and joining in, he screamed "JUST OPEN THE F*CKING CAR DOOR!", which was awful. 

During a big fight (which arose after he dropped the bombshell), we went to a BBQ surrounded by other pregnant couples and it was all so fresh and so hurtful, so I basically stayed away from him the whole night - when we got onto the street he yelled that he wanted a divorce and could do "so much better than me". 

The next day he was profusely apologetic. I'm no angel either - I can be argumentative but mainly because I feel frustrated about his lack of real engagement with me.

Complicated huh??

I am painting a bad picture of him though - he really is a lovely, decent, caring person and does a lot for me. I just don't know what to do.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am sure you know what to do but for some reason are scared to do it. You may call yourself a newlywed but youre not so young. How has your life been till now. Is this the first person you have ever met. Hardly likely. Just remember. Its unlikely to get better.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

goneshoeshopping said:


> I am nearly 37 years old.
> 
> So we don't exactly have years to wait for children, but nor do I want to become one of those bioligical-clock women who harrass their partner into it. I just wanted to go with the flow.
> He must understand that time is of the essence if you want to be parents. Your husband has changed his mind because the changes a baby would bring have scared him.
> ...


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