# Prudish/ BC Pill Paranoid Husband



## SeersTower (Jan 22, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for less than half a year. We love each other very much but I have become unhappy with our sex life. There are a few issues that have been frustrating me lately.

- Husband is super pro-life. This means that he is suspicious of the birth control pill that I take. He believes that it can cause a fertilized egg to be flushed out instead of implanting to the uterine wall (never mind that I told him that BC prevents ovulation). He insists on wearing condoms every time we have sex. This makes me really upset because who gets married just to use a condom all the time? Ugh. They also don't feel very good for me even though we use lots of lube. I feel like he values imaginary babies over my comfort during sex. I have pleaded with him to consider my feelings in this issue but he gives me this withering look and says, "Sometimes we have to make choices for the benefit of others (imaginary, theoretical babies?!) instead of thinking about only our own pleasure." Maddening.

- Husband lacks experience with sex/ how to please a woman. I've told him many times what kind of things I like to have done to me (touching below the waist, oral sex, sex toys) but he is disgusted by the vulva and doesn't like to touch me there, let alone put his tongue there. He's ok with putting his penis there, though, probably because both our genitals are "dirty." I'm starting to get really upset because I love him and his body and I used to enjoy performing oral sex/ handjobs before I got the idea that he would never reciprocate.

- He's never caused me to have an orgasm during sex. I'm always the one buzzing away with a vibrator. I'm definitely one of those women that can't orgasm from penetrative sex alone but can't he help me out? Anytime he's tried a sex toy on me he says he gets "tired" and leaves me to my own devices.

My complaints may paint my husband as a man that is cold and indifferent. This is not the case. His sexual behavior puzzles me because he is such a loving man. We frequently have very emotionally intimate sex (with him on top and getting the only orgasm, though).

We can't afford to get therapy for this but I'll think about it if the problems continue.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Persistence!

Tell him that he seems not to care if he satisfies you or not. Can he not finish you with his fingers? Before you got married, was he different?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I so want to say get the marriage annulled! But I guess you married him because you love him. 

Was his attitude the same before marriage? 

BC pills don't kill babies because they don't exist; the pills prevent them from existing! 

Does he masturbate? (or think of the condoms during sex) Doesn't he realize that HE'S killing those imaginary babies, too (by not allowing the eggs to be fertilized)?!? He's as much "at fault" as you are. 

Pro life is one side. I'm pro life in the sense that all life is precious. I'm also pro choice. Bottom line, it's the woman's choice, period; but it should be a mutual choice by both parents if it's going to be made. And, IMHO, adoption is an alternative. Of course, prevention would be preferred.  

Condoms after marriage?!? That is so wrong, IMO.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Can you get documentation for him to read on your birth control telling him exactly how it prevents pregnancy? Or would he not read/believe that either?

I'm not sure how to address the other, but MarkTwain usually has great advice if you provide the answers to his questions


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## SeersTower (Jan 22, 2009)

He seemed more open to my suggestions before marriage but never followed through. Sometimes he tries to please me but it's like watching a vegetarian handle raw meat- he seems grossed out and it's very brief.

The bad part about the BC pill issue is that his argument has some merit. Look up the "hostile endometrium" theory. I think it's a bunch of crap but he takes it very seriously. I am working on finding a professional to talk about the pill with him. The doctor that prescribed it to me is pro-life and I'm hoping she can talk some sense into him.

No too long ago, I was pondering quitting the pill because of side effects but I was worried about getting pregnant because condoms aren't anywhere near as effective as hormonal BC. "Why don't we double up condoms?" he said. I was astonished and was pretty mean to him. "That's STUPID," I said. "Don't you know ANYTHING about birth control?" I apologized for hurting his feelings but the incident showed me that he might not know as much as I thought he did about sex.

His upbringing was extremely conservative and he's always shocked by what my family and I will say to each other. He learned about the birds and the bees at a late age (I think 12 is late). It may be a difference in family culture.


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

There are a lot of options for birth control out there. I'm not sure where you are from but maybe there is something better to look for. I know the depo shot has some good results but can have some bad effects but there may be something better for you.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

tell him that oral sex for both parties is pretty good birth control.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

SeersTower said:


> He seemed more open to my suggestions before marriage but never followed through. Sometimes he tries to please me but it's like watching a vegetarian handle raw meat- he seems grossed out and it's very brief.


A lot of people make the mistake off backing of at this point. If you keep up with challenging him, you will find the "gritted teeth" get less and less. Do not allow him to settle into prudishness by default. Train him, train him, train him.


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

Wow.
Well, with the whole birth control pills thing, maybe he would be willing to consider other options that condoms? Like the birth control injection, or a spermicide? or an IUD if youre up for that? I hate condoms myself.
As for the wanting nothing to do with the volva area....Whoa. I understand he is a very loving man and it seems confusing. But something must have happened to him or told to him in his childhood or early adulthood that this area is dirty, bad, gross. I think you really need to try anyway to get him to understand that it is NORMAL, clean and no where near gross. Maybe get him a bit tipsy so he can relax and explore a bit more? Not wanting to do that for you is completely selfish and unfair to you and he doesnt seem to realize that. He needs a dose of reality. Tell him that it is a normal and clean part of your body and that every man "touches" it. Tell him the fact that he doesnt is making you feel there might be something wrong with you and is affecting your self esteem. Tell him to put himself in your shoes. How would he feel if you kissed and carressed and played with every part of his body but his penis? And then left him to orgasm himself? He would not be satisfied.Has he ever said what it is about that area he does not like? (too wet, too slimy, the smell, the way it looks?) 
Its tough when he has a conservative background, but so did my husband, inhis family lighting a cigerette is like injecting cocaine. and associating with the opposite sex wasnt even allowed! But you are his wife, and his alone....he needs to somehow realize that its okay.
If it helps, he can use the head of his penis the same way he would use a finger or tongue to get you to orgasm. Good luck.


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## SeersTower (Jan 22, 2009)

I did try spermicide. YUCK. Hated it. I had a terrible discharge for at least two days afterward. I had hoped that it would work for me but it didn't.

I feel really stuck with the birth control issue because he is suspicious of any kind of hormonal birth control. We both agree that the IUD is not something we want to use because he has moral issues with it and I am prone to infection. A diaphragm only works with spermicide (yuck). The pill, the patch, the ring, and the shot are all hormonal and potentially have the "hostile endometrium" thing going on. I feel really lost about what I'm supposed to do. Neither of us want a pregnancy right now, either. My hope lies in a doctor that can set him straight.

MarkTwain- I think you're right about training him. It might take a while. But at least he's mine for the next 60 years or however long we have. 

Has anybody tried dental dams? I told him that they sell flavored ones for the purpose of cunnilingus and he didn't seem thrilled. I think I'll get a few and see if I can persuade him. I use flavored condoms on him for oral sex anyways, it only seems fair.

My last partner, while we never had vaginal sex, was extremely enthusiastic about pleasing me. Sometimes I think I am comparing the two or maybe that I've decided that the last guy was the normal one. 

My husband never had a girlfriend before me and never had any sexual experiences with a woman. Am I expecting too much?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

how old are you both?


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

I don't know you and your husbands ages, but the lack of sexual partners and therefore, sex might play a big role in this. You say that he comes from a conservative background, so you should understand that his view of sex in general is supressed. I am very pro-life, as I have three wonderful children myself. Have you ever looked into the cooper IUD. It is a natural occuring element and when placed in the uterus, it creates an unnatural environment for an egg without the use of hormones. I used to use BC, but I swear that they made me not myself. I can understand his concern for his potenial offspring, but it seems that he is being a little one sided. I would hope that the both of you discussed having children before you got married. If so I assume that you wanted to wait until you were "ready" to have kids. If you didn't discuss these things before walking down the isle, I feel really bad for you. With the issue of pleasing you, I think that he needs some guidance, not training. Getting married and sharing those kinds of experiences is so important long term. The toys might intimidate him and make him feel that he is not good enough. Tell him to explore you and you can tell him what you think feels good and what does not. I can see that you both love each other and working together to fix a problem is the only way that you can really repair it. Be honest with him, because how will he ever know how you are feeling if you never let him know.


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