# Affair proof your marriage?



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I came across a good article about affair proofing your marriage. What is most interesting about this article is that they quote a study that basically shows that half of married people have an affair. Add that to the divorce rate and the odds of slim of avoiding a divorce or affair.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think these stats are probably closer to reality than the old ones that are often quoted (~23% of men and ~19% of women cheat).

There is no way to affair "proof" your marriage. At best you can _reduce_ the chances, but it requires ongoing maintenance by self-aware and partner-aware people.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think it's a good idea to stay on top of keeping your marriage happy and healthy. 
Often things slide, people get lazy and complacent. You stop dating, stop trying to impress, stop meeting emotional needs. Have too much independent time, etc. 

Imo - yes most affairs happen when the marriage is lacking. This doesn't excuse them though. 

OP- likely that article came from marriage builders. I highly recommend the website and books. The forum not so much lol


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If we don't respect ourselves, how can we respect others?

I'm Buddhist... you know how we look at desire and it's impact. I've come to believe that affairs come when we lose that necessary love and respect for ourselves and allow desire for whatever may be strongest in choice to park emotions that allow the fog to develop first in our communications, then in our actions with ourselves. 

I can only "affair-proof" 50% of my marriage.

If I can't maintain my part of what love is, my partner may not (temporarily) make up the difference, that is not in their control nor do I feel their responsibility if I truly own my happiness. 

If I love myself more (healthy, mindful, encouraging love), I'm less likely to make poor choices and more likely to engage my partner and their needs.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I think these stats are probably closer to reality than the old ones that are often quoted (~23% of men and ~19% of women cheat).
> 
> There is no way to affair "proof" your marriage. At best you can _reduce_ the chances, but it requires ongoing maintenance by self-aware and partner-aware people.


Locking them in the closet is an effective tool as well. 

J/K :grin2:


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Locking them in the closet is an effective tool as well.
> 
> J/K :grin2:


Without their cell phone, of course.


I wonder what article Vinnie actually read??

Was it this one: Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Quality said:


> Without their cell phone, of course.
> 
> 
> I wonder what article Vinnie actually read??
> ...


Cell phone is ok. Once the battery is dead NC is assured. :grin2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think you can prevent an affair, but I think there are actions you can take to reduce the probability of one.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

The best way to affair proof your marriage is not to marry (or dump) the POS to begin with.

This notion that there is anything you can do to prevent, or you drove them to, cheating is ignorant.

People with morality simply leave a bad relationship. Every cheat only requires one thing. Opportunity. 

The blame shifting comes later as the rationalization hamster starts spinning the wheel of excuses in their heads.

Learn to recognize the red flags of a person with low moral integrity and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it is wise to remember that marriage does not _automatically_ confer rights and privileges - you have to continually earn and maintain them, mutually and bilaterally. If you are neglectful, disrespectful, or mean, there may be unpleasant consequences. Fidelity may be promised, but it is never assured.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I believe that we can all improve our chances with just about anything we endeavour.

I hate this fatalistic attitude that just "being oneself" is the best that one can do.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I think it is wise to remember that marriage does not _automatically_ confer rights and privileges - you have to continually earn and maintain them, mutually and bilaterally. If you are neglectful, disrespectful, or mean, there may be unpleasant consequences. Fidelity may be promised, but it is never assured.


If you are in a bad relationship and you leave it with dignity then shame on them.

If you are in a bad relationship and you stay but cheat instead then shame on you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> If you are in a bad relationship and you leave it with dignity then shame on them.
> 
> If you are in a bad relationship and you stay but cheat instead then shame on you.


In a perfect world everyone would leave. Clearly people aren't perfect. 

If a wife refuses to have sex with her husband for years on end, yells and shames him for even asking. He's supporting her and the kids. Someone comes along that starts meeting his needs and he ends up doing something stupid. It happens. It's not right but it happens. People aren't perfect. 

Would it have happened if he had a solid, healthy marriage where they worked and made effort to keep it that way? Not as likely. 

No one should be 100% their spouse won't cheat no matter what. Put effort into your marriage like you could lose them if you don't, meet their most important needs always, spend 10-20 hours of quality alone time together each week away from the kids and electronics, don't have too much independent activities and practice an open policy of no locked phones or secrets. 

That is the basics of the marriage builders affair proofing.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> If you are in a bad relationship and you leave it with dignity then shame on them.
> 
> If you are in a bad relationship and you stay but cheat instead then shame on you.


I agree. At least in principle. Real life isn't so simple, idealistic, or binary. It's messy - obviously - or so many people wouldn't feel the urge to cheat. Setting aside the ivory tower idealism and learning to deal with reality is hard - but worthwhile. I get the sense that you are too badly hurt and bitter to be able to make that transition, yet.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I get the sense that you are too badly hurt and bitter to be able to make that transition, yet.


Transition to what? Not having principles? Lacking integrity? This makes me some injured fawn or jaded man? I never will or would agree with your PoV. I'd like to know why are you minimizing crap behavior?!? Choosing right from wrong IS what separates us from the animals. Not surrendering to our loins. Yet you humanize it. Cheating is a deliberate choice. Done usually out of spite and certainly always because of selfishness. You CAN'T have an affair without lying and deceit. There is nothing spontaneous or noble about it. It's not some twist of fate thrusted onto people. It's a deliberate act spread out over weeks, months or even years.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If a wife refuses to have sex with her husband for years on end, yells and shames him for even asking. He's supporting her and the kids. Someone comes along that starts meeting his needs and he ends up doing something stupid. It happens. It's not right but it happens. People aren't perfect.


Yeah and she is NO better than him. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Would it have happened if he had a solid, healthy marriage where they worked and made effort to keep it that way? Not as likely.


You have NO idea if it's more likely or not. Some people cheat with great partners. Some people cheat with crap partners. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one should be 100% their spouse won't cheat no matter what.


Must be nice to live with that kind of paranoia. If I thought there was a 1% chance, I'd dump them. I'd never waste my time with an unethical person.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Put effort into your marriage like you could lose them if you don't, meet their most important needs always, spend 10-20 hours of quality alone time together each week away from the kids and electronics, don't have too much independent activities and practice an open policy of no locked phones or secrets.
> 
> That is the basics of the marriage builders affair proofing.


I agree with everything you said about maintaining a relationship except it's stupid to call it "affair proofing". You should call it "DIVORCE PROOFING" because you take a great philosophy and TAINT it with cheater justifications. Your spouse treats you like crap? DON'T be a COWARD and sink to their level. Get some self respect and LEAVE them. It's pretty basic "not being a POS" 101 class stuff.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

There is always a chance someone can cheat. 

Life just isn't as black and white as cheaters are unethical who would cheat no matter what the circumstances are. 

People are not perfect. Building and maintaining a solid marriage is your best chance at keeping a solid marriage. 

And yes I am certain that people are more likely to cheat in marriages that do not meet their needs and are neglected than ones that are solid and practice the advice to "affair proof" 

It's ok to acknowledge when both people have let the marriage down. It doesn't excuse cheating but refusing to believe the BS did anything to help the demise of the marriage as a whole is unproductive. How will they learn to build a better marriage with someone new if they refuse to see their own mistakes? 

There are some people who cheat despite all their needs met, 15 hours of alone time a week, little independent time and full openness. But they are a lot more rare.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm sorry to see that you are unable to find peace, @BetrayedDad. Compassion and forgiveness also separate us from the animals - yet we are still all animals. At best be can aspire and strive to be better than our base nature - but few truly do so. Lies, deceit - and cheating - are fundamentally normal human behavior, while also being nasty and hurtful. You seem stuck in anger and retribution, which is fine. Nor am I minimizing it in any way. I've been cheated on. She's no longer in my life, and I choose not to stay all butthurt over it. I've got better things to do.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Pay attention to the red flags when dating the person. People usually show you their true colors when dating, but many people think that marriage will somehow change the person.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> In a perfect world everyone would leave. Clearly people aren't perfect.
> 
> If a wife refuses to have sex with her husband for years on end, yells and shames him for even asking. He's supporting her and the kids. Someone comes along that starts meeting his needs and he ends up doing something stupid. It happens. It's not right but it happens. People aren't perfect.
> 
> ...


There's a new thread going on right now where the wife is very attentive, and has regular sex with her husband, and her husband is cheating on her. Denying it, of course. There are tons of great people who get cheated on. Definitely there are people who don't treat their spouses well, and the spouse who is mistreated, cheats. But, there are TONS of sad stories where people are cheated on and they were really good to their partners, and marriages. I don't see BetrayedDad as bitter if he simply feels that cheating is a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker for me, not because I can't forgive, but because I would never be able to trust again. Everyone has their limits, and no one should be judged for them.

And not all marriages that stay together after cheating, are good marriages. Sometimes, the BS stays out of fear. They are afraid of divorce, to lose the kids, to lose the house, to lose their lifestyle, etc. I read those stories on this site, too, and they are just staying together for the sake of the kids, etc. but are miserable, still. Everyone has to find their own way, but there's many dysfunctional marriages out there, even without cheating, that people stay together for all kinds of reasons. That doesn't mean they are good marriages.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> There's a new thread going on right now where the wife is very attentive, and has regular sex with her husband, and her husband is cheating on her. Denying it, of course. There are tons of great people who get cheated on. Definitely there are people who don't treat their spouses well, and the spouse who is mistreated, cheats. But, there are TONS of sad stories where people are cheated on and they were really good to their partners, and marriages. I don't see BetrayedDad as bitter if he simply feels that cheating is a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker for me, not because I can't forgive, but because I would never be able to trust again. Everyone has their limits, and no one should be judged for them.


This does happen, my point is that cheating is more likely in a marriage that is neglected. It can be a deal breaker while still understanding that it's not as black and white as he thinks it is. 

'Cheaters are just immoral and would cheat no matter what' ignores a lot of situations where neglect of the marriage ended up with someone ultimately cheating. Cheating was still wrong but there was things that could have been done to prevent things getting that bad.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This does happen, my point is that cheating is more likely in a marriage that is neglected. It can be a deal breaker while still understanding that it's not as black and white as he thinks it is.
> 
> 'Cheaters are just immoral and would cheat no matter what' ignores a lot of situations where neglect of the marriage ended up with someone ultimately cheating. Cheating was still wrong but there was things that could have been done to prevent things getting that bad.


Agree with this. I think the best thing would be to tell your spouse how unhappy and neglected you feel and if you're still ignored, then leaving would make sense. Cheating and staying married doesn't make sense, imo.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Agree with this. I think the best thing would be to tell your spouse how unhappy and neglected you feel and if you're still ignored, then leaving would make sense. Cheating and staying married doesn't make sense, imo.


It doesn't make sense but people aren't always perfect and sometimes someone comes along and starts meeting your needs that have gone unmet for so long and affairs are like addictions, once your needs are being met by someone else you get foggy and in addict mode and you keep crossing the line. Best method is to avoid it altogether. Get needs met at home, spend a lot of time alone together, have little independent recreation, and keep everything open and honest at all times. 

Very few people think they will have an affair or plan it to happen that way. Some do, they just don't care, but more often than not someone who never thought they could ever do something like that ends up cheating. 

A good article on how affairs start and how "_We are all wired for affairs._."

Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

People may not plan to cheat, but a person committed to their marriage doesn't put themselves in a position to have their needs met by members of the opposite sex. That's a commitment to their marriage. Me and my husband made these agreements early in our marriage. I guess we were lucky we hadn't read books or websites. Before any issue was raised, we simply agreed we wouldn't work alone or late on a regular basis with someone of the opposite sex acknowledging that it frequently leads to affairs in others lives. We made efforts to spend time together build hobbies together. We agreed we wouldn't have friends of the opposite sex.

We've been married 23 years. No affairs no divorce. I'm sure there are those that might call us terribly codependent but neither one of us could even imagine a life without the other. Don't open other opportunities and you are much more likely to work with you partner instead of throwing in the towel.

All that said I was choosy before I said I do. Compatible, and committed are important.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I have given up on the idea of affair proofing a marriage. My cousin and brother in law are both great providers, amazing dads and athletic, handsome guys who are not mean or nasty. Pretty much what you would an ideal guy to be. Both could pick any lady they wanted. Niether have strayed from their marriage. In both cases their wives cheated. 

After reading "No More Mr. NIce Guy" I came to the conclusion the two men above were pretty close to the ideal, yet their wives cheated on them.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I'm sorry to see that you are unable to find peace, @BetrayedDad. Compassion and forgiveness also separate us from the animals - yet we are still all animals. At best be can aspire and strive to be better than our base nature - but few truly do so. Lies, deceit - and cheating - are fundamentally normal human behavior, while also being nasty and hurtful. You seem stuck in anger and retribution, which is fine. Nor am I minimizing it in any way. I've been cheated on. She's no longer in my life, and I choose not to stay all butthurt over it. I've got better things to do.


Carry on then warden..... It's your life, I already have a full time job.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Carry on then warden..... It's your life, I already have a full time job.


Thanks, I'll do that. Besides, you don't need a warden - you've imprisoned yourself and seem happy to stay there. Enjoy!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think that cheating is inevitable in most relationships (most... otherwise we wouldn't see it so rampant on this forum) and most of us have little control over whether our partners cheat.
I've seen cases here of perfectly "happy" couples being rocked by infidelity. About as much as I've seen cases where it's obvious there's a lack of needs being met.... leading to lack of respect and inevitably, infidelity.

What we do have control over, as the "BS," is what we do about cheating when it touches our lives. How we act.... what actions we take. I know that for myself, I'd have a zero tolerance rule. If I found out my SO was cheating, I'd be gone without a trace.

I'm not sure there is a way to "affair proof" a marriage, but there are plenty of ways to make it a resilient marriage. Ignoring the ways of achieving a resilient marriage is as good as installing a revolving door to your home and leaving your jewelry out in the open. It's just a matter of time before someone steals the goods.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Thanks, I'll do that. Besides, you don't need a warden - you've imprisoned yourself and seem happy to stay there. Enjoy!


I don't have to wake up everyday wondering if I'd done enough yesterday to keep my spouse appeased enough to not have sex with someone else.

Apparently you do because it's simply human nature to cheat. Goes to show that everyone's idea of a happy marriage/relationship is subjective.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I don't have to wake up everyday wondering if I'd done enough yesterday to keep my spouse appeased enough to not have sex with someone else.
> 
> Apparently you do because it's simply human nature to cheat. Goes to show that everyone's idea of a happy marriage/relationship is subjective.


LOL Is that because you don't wake up next to someone?

I'm not worried about my wife cheating on me, or appeasing her. We don't take each other for granted, either. Yes, cheating is human nature, but far from inevitable.

Of course, my views are different than most here, because we have an open/poly/swinger relationship, although we're slowing down greatly as we get older. She does have sex with other men. I have sex with other women. We can get ALL our needs and desires met, without cheating, without lying, without problems. It doesn't guarantee neither of us could cheat, but it sure lessens any temptation - there's just no good reason to be tempted. As you say, "... everyone's idea of a happy marriage/relationship is subjective."


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Everyone should be trying everyday to build and maintain their marriage to avoid someone being a WAS, leaving, cheating, being upset. Whatever bad thing you want to believe will happen in a broken marriage. 

Marriages don't just run along without daily maintenance. You don't wait until there's a problem to fix it. Assuming that no matter what you do or don't do your spouse will always stay faithful is ignoring human behaviour. When our needs go unmet for long enough it makes us vulnerable to having those needs met by others. 
We may just leave before we find someone else to meet them but in the end you have the same result. We aren't with you, we are with someone else.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

There is no way to affair proof your marriage. Your best bet is to maintain your relationship happy to the best of your abilities and try not to be bothered by the prospect of an affair. 

It's like cancer. No one is safe from cancer, everyone is aware of that. Your best bet is to be healthy, avoid stuff that are proven to promote it and live your life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Of course, my views are different than most here, because we have an open/poly/swinger relationship


Well.... that explains why you think everyone is a potential cheater.

That makes a lot more sense to me now.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Well.... that explains why you think everyone is a potential cheater.
> 
> That makes a lot more sense to me now.


You persist in misinterpreting me, which just reflects your bias. My view that everyone is a potential cheater is based on human psychology - almost everyone COULD cheat given the right (or wrong?) circumstances. Those who are most certain they won't, are among the most susceptible, too.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

CuriousOne37 said:


> It's like cancer. No one is safe from cancer, everyone is aware of that. Your best bet is to be healthy, avoid stuff that are proven to promote it and live your life.


False equivalency. Some forms of cancer strike indiscriminately, no matter what the person does, no matter how clean he lives, etc.

So cancer, in some cases, is completely outside the control of the potential victim.

However, humans have the _power to choose _whether or not to cheat.

Cheating is not something that happens to people, it is something they choose to do.


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## CuriousOne37 (Aug 23, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> However, humans have the _power to choose _whether or not to cheat.


I was making analogy on the context of being cheated on. Whole thread was opened in that context.


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