# He felt lonely so he started a new relationship



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

My stbx has said to me at one point after the restraining order was over that he felt lonely, that he had nightmares and depression so he couldn't stay single for 6 months ( the duration of the restraining order) so he had to find someone else. I understand it to a certain point. I understand that he had needs, but he started a new relationship which is another thing. He knew I was pregnant at the time so I just cannot agree with him. I know nothing can't be changed now, but in my mind I know that if he wanted and cherished our family he should have waited and should have realised what he did wrong in our marriage. Am I right in thinking this way?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

anna88 said:


> I know nothing can't be changed now, but in my mind I know that if he wanted and cherished our family he should have waited and should have realised what he did wrong in our marriage. Am I right in thinking this way?


This man abused you horribly. Frankly, I'm confused as to why you'd even give a damn how he thinks or what he thinks. Be glad this loon is out of your life. And feel sorry for his newest victim.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

anna88 said:


> My stbx has said to me at one point after the restraining order was over that he felt lonely, that he had nightmares and depression so he couldn't stay single for 6 months ( the duration of the restraining order) so he had to find someone else. I understand it to a certain point. I understand that he had needs, but he started a new relationship which is another thing. He knew I was pregnant at the time so I just cannot agree with him. I know nothing can't be changed now, but in my mind I know that if he wanted and cherished our family he should have waited and should have realised what he did wrong in our marriage. Am I right in thinking this way?


You are wasting your time and brain energy thinking this way. He is disgusting and selfish and pathetic and thats all you need to know. Stop giving him so much space in your brain, he doesn't deserve it. Save that energy for important things, like taking out the trash.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

anna88 said:


> My stbx has said to me at one point after the restraining order was over that he felt lonely, that he had nightmares and depression so he couldn't stay single for 6 months ( the duration of the restraining order) so he had to find someone else. I understand it to a certain point. I understand that he had needs, but he started a new relationship which is another thing. He knew I was pregnant at the time so I just cannot agree with him. I know nothing can't be changed now, but in my mind I know that if he wanted and cherished our family he should have waited and should have realized what he did wrong in our marriage. Am I right in thinking this way?


Anna, sweetheart, this is madness. Stop doing this to yourself, please. Are you in counseling? If not, can you please look into that? You don't need to figure out "if he loved and cherished you," you need to figure out why *you *were ever attracted to him, and why you care at all if he loved or loves you and the children now.

To answer your question: NO. HE DID NOT/DOES NOT LOVE YOU (or anyone). He never did and he never will. That is not WHO HE IS. His brain DOES NOT WORK that way. 

A restraining order? Losing you? Losing his children? these things could never be a wake up call because if he was the kind of man who cared about others, he would have NEVER been abusive in the first place.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he targeted another poor woman? He's nasty.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hon, while I understand you want to know why he treated you so horribly, you really do have to move forward and focus on you and your kids. 

Your reflection on his behavior is a roadblock to your personal progress. He is taking up far too much real estate in your head. Use that space for you and your kids instead. 

You need to accept that as weird as it sounds, his abuse has zero to do with you and to not take it personally. I know! It sounds so odd. He is dangerous and evil and incapable of loving. His new partner is not special-she will get what you got, only worse I suspect. Men who are abusive eventually escalate their abuse. Rejoice that you finally got out. Just accept that he sucks.

And it isn't clear from your OP how long ago this conversation was, but PLEASE limit them to talk only about the kids.

I've been where you are (sans kids). Love yourself and your kids and your new life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A different person would have reacted differently, and done things differently, but this is who he is. Let it go.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

anna88 said:


> My stbx ......
> 
> ....after the restraining order was over that he felt lonely....so he couldn't stay single for 6 months ( the duration of the restraining order) so he had to find someone else.
> 
> ....he had needs, but he started a new relationship......He knew I was pregnant at the time...


Save yourself! The red flags about him in your post scream out that your stbx should become your never to be seen or thought about ex.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I need more information please. What was the restraining order for exactly? I had a crazy ex that followed me around for a while...and it was something of a relief when he found another to occupy his time/attention. 
You miss his 'intensity"? Don't- it's freed you up for better things. You just have to figure out that you deserve them so you can actually want them. 
I'm wondering how your kids are feeling now in the newer, "boring" life without him? Have you asked?
I also need to ask: How have your feelings changed in the past six months? Do you find yourself "feeling better about yourself" since he was gone?


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

He was abusive during our marriage that's why he got the restraining order. He doesn't admit he was violent. He was my first and I couldn't imagine my life with someone else. I stayed for 10 years. There were good moments too. And I miss those moments when we were a family. I feel better about myself now. I don't need any outside validation any more. While married I always felt so insecure. Our boy misses him because his father comes to get him only from time to time and when he does he doesn't have time for him. Our little girl is only 11 months old. He came to see her only a couple of times since she was born. He didn't bond with her at all.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

anna88 said:


> He was abusive during our marriage that's why he got the restraining order. He doesn't admit he was violent. He was my first and I couldn't imagine my life with someone else. I stayed for 10 years. There were good moments too. And I miss those moments when we were a family. I feel better about myself now. I don't need any outside validation any more. While married I always felt so insecure. Our boy misses him because his father comes to get him only from time to time and when he does he doesn't have time for him. Our little girl is only 11 months old. He came to see her only a couple of times since she was born. He didn't bond with her at all.


I'm so happy to hear you are feeling better about yourself. It is very hard to let go because he was your first, and the good times were probably very good, and part of you wants that back. But the good times can't come without the bad times and abuse. 

Be good to yourself and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. It can also be hard to enjoy a "pleasant" life when you have been so over-stimulated by intense good and bad. It's kind of like being addicted to a drug -- the intense situations (like a drug) OVER stimulate your brain so the calm, normal times (no drug) feel empty and boring. But as you heal this will change. Your brain has been desensitized to the things that normally make us happy, but deprived of the drama long enough, it will heal and be able to appreciate the joy and beauty in simplicity, calmness, emotional security, etc.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Missing being a wife and missing him can be two distinctly different things. I figured this out after fourteen years of my own marriage imploding. That feeling better about yourself part- so glad to hear it and what I suspected due to my own bad past relationships. You are depressed and reeling right now but hold on...it will get better for you. 
By the way, him not spending time with his kids is not your fault...no matter how he tries to paint that picture for you.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Have you noticed that life is always about him with someone else being blamed for issues? He wanted to go so he arranged it.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Yes, life has always been about him. About his needs, about his desires. He only took and took, never gave in return. He puts himself first, everything and everyone else don't matter. Not even his children.He chases his idea of happiness and really doesn't care how many people he hurts along the way. He has an huge ego and due to this he cannot see his own fault, everyone else is to blame.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Vibrant Wings; Yes, I think I miss more the idea of belonging to someone. He blames me for him not spending time with his children because I "destroyed our family". He tells this also to our 9 yo son. He has no fault. Everything is to blame on me.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

anna88 said:


> Vibrant Wings; Yes, I think I miss more the idea of belonging to someone. He blames me for him not spending time with his children because I "destroyed our family". He tells this also to our 9 yo son. He has no fault. Everything is to blame on me.


How in the world did I know he was pulling that ****?? Because he is a "type". The immature, selfish type that will always be your victim no matter what _he_ actually _does to you_.

You can be a wife again to someone better. This idiot doesn't deserve a family.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

anna88 said:


> He was abusive during our marriage that's why he got the restraining order. He doesn't admit he was violent. He was my first and I couldn't imagine my life with someone else. I stayed for 10 years. There were good moments too. And I miss those moments when we were a family. I feel better about myself now. I don't need any outside validation any more. While married I always felt so insecure. Our boy misses him because his father comes to get him only from time to time and when he does he doesn't have time for him. Our little girl is only 11 months old. He came to see her only a couple of times since she was born. He didn't bond with her at all.


Anna88, thank your lucky stars that this POS has moved onto someone else. YOu need to take care of yourself, get therapy to see why you pine over him and work through your issues (cause girl, you have some). Be the best mom you can be to your little kids, the need a strong, stable and capable mother. He never gave a **** about you or the kids, why would you want that in your life? Really? You are still young and will meet someone worthy of you when the time is right.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Aine: I know I need therapy, I just cannot find the time to go. I am always busy with the kids. I know my husband acted so wrong in our marriage but I also feel guilty. Because of insecurities I felt infatuated with other men during our marriage. I didn't act on it, but the truth is I thought that I could be happy with someone else. One of biggest fear was and still is loneliness. I was looking for a prince charming to come and save me from this bad marriage. In the end I learnt that I can only save myself. My stbx accused me of cheating. I didn't cheat, not physically. I also went with a colleague to have a coffee. Nothing happened between us and in a normal family I would have asked my husband if I could go. So now he places all the blame on me.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You destroyed the family?? He is delusional. He beat you up badly and you destroyed the family. The old saying is true. You can't argue with crazy.

I'm so glad you got out.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

anna88 said:


> He was my first and I couldn't imagine my life with someone else.


You can't imagine it because you've never experienced it. It's like someone who has only ever seen the color red trying to imagine the color blue without ever seeing it. It's impossible. 

But that doesn't mean there isn't a better relationship out there for you just because you can't picture it. The abuse is normal to you and it's enough to make any one of us - people who have had many relationships without abuse - to recoil in horror. Yes, your relationship with him was that bad. I wouldn't even wish it on my own worst enemy. 

Get a therapist and get help. You need to have some perspective and be able to see just how toxic your STBX is or you will always be stuck in his drama and misery or finding new men who are just as bad.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> You destroyed the family?? He is delusional. He beat you up badly and you destroyed the family. The old saying is true. You can't argue with crazy.
> 
> I'm so glad you got out.


Let us not forget the part where he was abusing her whilst pregnant. He could have killed his daughter. 

What a living, walking, piece of ..... work.

And yeah, it's absolutely normal to dream of someone better while you're stuck with an abusive prick. Seriously.


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## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

I know I should channel all my energy on the kids and finally close this chapter of my life. It's just very hard to not look back. Maybe time will heal the wounds. Thank you so much for your support!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, don't channel all your energy on them. Save some to work on you.


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