# I really need some advice



## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

I need some advice on how to handle this. My ex-wife contacts me every couple of months just to "see how I am doing". She always says "I hope all is well and tell your parents I said hello too". These are all voicemails and/or emails. I never respond to them. My reasons are below.

Now for some background on my situation. We were together for 5 years and married for nearly 2. As soon as we met we both "just knew" that we had the deepest strongest bond imaginable. Was she perfect, of course not, I was aware of all of her flaws but I loved her unconditionally (still do). For once in my life I really felt lucky. Then, after about 4 years she decided that she loved me but was no longer in love with me. Fast forward to August of last year, she asks for a seperation. I give it to her and begin to work on myself. We attend therapy and I move back in mid-October. Things are okay and then I find something that she has drawn (her and another man with I love you hearts all over it) and on christmas eve I told her that I will let her go because she obviously doesn't want to be with me. However, at this point I make it clear to her that I will do anything to save our marriage. I tried in vain and she moved to another city and filed for divorce in January of this year. I was able to get her to attend a marriage seminar with me in April that was guaranteed to save 3 out of 4 marriages. Of course with my luck, our marriage was the fourth and she continued with the divorce. At this point she still wanted to remain friends and "be there for each other" even though she was living 4 hours away. I made it clear to her that I could not do this. There is no way that I can be friends when I am not the one that wanted the divorce. She said "ok, you will never hear from me again". The divorce was final June 1. From day one I never received a hint of remorse from her side for leaving. She knew that she destroyed all of my hopes and dreams. All she will say is "I know that you don't understand, but one day you will thank me for this".....Seriously? Thank you for what? I feel rather pathetic actually because she has been gone for 10 months and I still think about and miss her every second of the day. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Yes, I would take her back in a heart beat because I married her for life...I just wish she felt the same way.

So back to my original question, what should I do about her attempts to contact me? Do you think there is something else there or is it just wishful thinking since, in her most recent voicemail, she said "I know you don't understand". I am miserable everyday but on the days that she contacts me it is a little worse because it feels like the knife is just being dug a little deeper.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

She seems rather callous and self-centered. Maybe the pain is not as bad for her so the contact doesn't bother her and she doesn't seem to be considering your feelings at all. I would continue to ignore her; you need to move forward and continuing to talk to her will keep you stuck in the past. I am sure it is tempting to talk to her to see how she feels, if there is any chance of working things out, etc., but after all you have been through it seems very unlikely that things would work out so why continue to open old wounds? Stay strong and try to develop new friendships and interests so you don't think about her as much. Good luck!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

missinglaly said:


> So back to my original question, what should I do about her attempts to contact me? Do you think there is something else there or is it just wishful thinking since, in her most recent voicemail, she said "I know you don't understand". I am miserable everyday but on the days that she contacts me it is a little worse because it feels like the knife is just being dug a little deeper.


Whatever it is she wants, it is obviously causing you pain. You COULD sit her down and ask her to clarify for you what, precisely, it is you don't understand. But in my opinion, that is a mistake. The favor she is doing for you is being a big enough jerk for you to cut ties completely. 

What *I* think you should do is write her a letter telling her that you want her to stop all contact. ALL contact. (Assuming you have no kids. If you have kids together, ask her to stop all contact that is not related to the kids.) Tell her that is she does not, you will block her phone #, email addy and everything so she CAN'T contact you. Then if she keeps contacting you, BLOCK HER.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

What my advise?

Continue to ignore her. 1 of 2 things is happening here.

The first is... guilt! She knows how bad she hurt you, so every once it awhile, it bothers her to the point where she is forced to reach out to you.

Or ... she realized the grass isn't always greener.... So basically whatever she had going on didn't work out. One day she realized she had a good man in you, but her pride won't allow her to approach you with her hat in her hand. So instead... she passively extends a hand by sending you a message, hoping she can bait a fish. I know a huge part of you still wants her. But move on. She's made her bed, yadda, yadda, yadda. To give her yet another chance is oppening up the door for more hurt. I knew women like that would always managed to "seen the light," years later after i had moved on.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agree with Rob774, I think she is toying with the idea of returning after she found that "Be careful what you wish for..." was all too true.
If you take her back, it could be good, or be the biggest mistake of your life. I had a GF like this, she still wanted to be friends, and, well, let's just say that now I am a vehement believer in the "bridge burning/ NC" theory!
I think you deserve someone who won't play mind games like this.


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## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

Thank you all for the advice. I screwed up in my original story a little bit but I don't think it changes too much. She actually said "give me a call back but if you don't then I understand". I talked to my therapist today and she suggested that if I do anything then I should send an email that says something along the lines of "You have tried contacting me a few times now, what does this mean? Are you still interested in me?" 

What do you all think?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

missinglaly said:


> in her most recent voicemail, she said "I know you don't understand".


She's still saying the same thing - that she realizes she hurt you, but doesn't want to be with you. She's soothing her conscience and also hates that she hurt you, so she wants your forgiveness.

But don't give it to her unless you want to. I suggest you never have any contact with her at all, and no letter or email. Once you begin, you won't be able to stop and will spill everything you really want her to know, but she doesn't deserve that.

I understand how she feels. I once said "yes" to a guy and came really close to marrying him. I never came close before (after my first marriage was a big mistake), and was very selective. Even a guy I REALLY wanted to say yes to, I didn't because I knew he was not right for me. But with this guy, I said yes mostly because I wanted him to have what he wanted, which was me. And that is definitely no reason to marry anyone. I loved him deeply and very much appreciated how good he was to me, but I was nowhere near in love with him and didn't want to spend my life like that. I knew I would not be able to hold up my end of that bargain, as your ex discovered for herself. It's just that he was such a wonderful guy and was so in love with me, that I didn't want to disappoint him. I felt he deserved everything he wanted in life and nearly made another big mistake. I didn't go through with it because I knew he deserved more than I had to offer. I think your ex was probably in the same position.

People cannot make love happen, no matter how hard they try. I mean being IN LOVE with someone cannot be forced, and we all need that in order to survive. She loved you truly but didn't feel quite the same way you feel and recognized too late that she cannot ignore what she needed deep down. Unfortunate for you, your ex did not have my ability for discernment. 

I disagree with your therapist and think you will have to stop hoping and stop reading into her communications what isn't really there. I realize you want closure and would like to find out for yourself if she is still interested but what she did, she did for a reason. That reason has not changed. She may have discovered the grass is not greener, but that doesn't change her feelings. It doesn't help her to love you more or to be in love with you. It only means that despite needing to be in love with someone, she learned she will never find a man as good as you or one that will cherish her as much as you do. So once again, she might try living with her demons and come back, only to fail you yet again eventually. But like I felt about my guy, you have to know you deserve better.

Since hearing from her hurts so badly, open a new email account and move all your other current contacts to it. Delete this existing account so the messages bounce back to her, and don't give her the new address.


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## ASWGWS (Nov 15, 2010)

Just going to chime in with "cut her off." I would block her emails and calls.


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## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

I really appreciate everyone chiming in. It is just that for 3-4 years, I was her everything. She was crazy mad in love with me. It seemed, however, that once we hit that point in the relationship where the butterflies fade and the deep rooted companionship love kicks in, she freaked out. She is the type that thinks that just because you don't necessarily feel "in love" that something is wrong. I am not sure that she has the ability to love that deeply. She did always say that she felt incredibly safe with me but that I wasn't a challenge. Is your spouse supposed to be a challenge? It just sucks.....how else could I say it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like she will finally get what real love is-when she's 60, alone, regretting her actions and surrounded by 50 smelly cats!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I highly doubt she is trying to get you back or thinking of returning to you. "every couple of months" does not constitute a real effort. 

I'd take her at face value and assume she is just being friendly. After all, there was a time in both your lives that you loved each other.

The problem is you. You haven't gotten over her and each call/email hurts you. I think if you respond next time with a simple "Please don't contact me in the future" you can put an end to it.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

There's a lot here that's complicated, and frankly, the two of you are the ones making it that way. That's not a judgment, it's just an observation. There seem to be some very basic communication skills missing, ones that would simplify this greatly.

Many of us never learn to clearly say what we want, or learn how to ask another what it is they want. It's a skill. Rather, we posture, we interpret, we theorize and test and hope and dream and never just say, "Okay, let me put it to you as clearly as I can. I want (blank). What do you want?" That's just the beginning. Learning to negotiate and listen are skills too, one's we don't all have but can learn.

Maybe by bringing it down to a simpler level you can get some clarity. The risk is, you have to actually have a conversation. Don't let either of you read meaning into the fact that you're having a conversation. It doesn't mean anything except that you want clarity and that's the only way to stop the madness.


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

1st - her contacting you is about her needs NOT yours
2nd - let her go...change numbers, email etc...tell parents and friends not to give it to her.
3rd - start going out, meeting people and get on the dating horse. ( you don't have to get married again right away or a serious relationship but you should see what someone else has to offer.

NUMBER 2 only if you don't have kids which I am assuming you don't!


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## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

Well I have an update for anyone that may be following this. I finally broke down and sent her a text.

My text: You tried contacting me a few times last week. What does it mean? Are you just trying to be friendly or is there something else there?

Her reply: What do you mean? I was just wanting to say hello and see how you were doing. So how are you doing?

I didn't respond to this and within a few more minutes she sent a text saying "happy thanksgiving! Tell your family I said hello"

Now everyone please tell me, was my text ambiguous at all? I don't think that it was. Anyway, I guess I got my answer.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

missinglaly said:


> she has been gone for 10 months and I still think about and miss her every second of the day.


 Of course you do because she texts you every couple of months to make sure you don't forget about her.

She is the one being ambiguous.

Block. her. number.

Block her number and move on.

Every moment you spend unhappy and thinking about her is a moment of love and happiness lost with the woman you will spend the rest of your life with.


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## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

Chefmaster, I hear what you are saying but honestly, I would feel this way whether she texted me or not. I can't explain it without giving my life story but once I commit to something, I can't turn back. For example my marriage, I made a commitment for life. Even though she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, I still have my own moral/religious obligations to deal with. On top of all of that, she really was my best friend, my lover, my future, my world, my everything for so long and I just miss her and I don't want anyone else. I feel like I am beyond help and it is a horrible feeling. I did everything I could to save the marriage and since then I have done everything possible to move past it.......I failed at both.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

missinglaly said:


> Her reply: What do you mean? I was just wanting to say hello and see how you were doing. So how are you doing?(


Okay, I don't think you were ambiguous. She wants to add ambiguity to the relationship. I think she knows what you want. From her answer, what I heard was, "I want to stay in your life, but in a vague undefined way. That way I can change what I want without telling you; I'll just act differently and you'll follow my lead because that's what you do and I like it. I'm in charge. I have all the power. It's all on my terms. I don't what to define our relationship. That would allow you to set terms, have defined expectations, etc. I just want to come and go as I please. I like 'baiting' you with friendliness that implies more and keeps you guessing. By doing this, I have no accountability for what I do or say."

That's a lot to read into this short statement, one where you say in short, "What does this mean", and she says, "Uh, it doesn't mean anything." Part of my answer is based on the rest of what you've said. Do you hear the same thing in what she replied? If so, recognize that these are not the marks of a healthy relationship. At the very least, you want definition, she wants ambiguity. You want more, she wants...more, less, none, maybe all for a moment, then none, then she can say, "What do you mean? I was just..."

You may want her, but not on those terms. She doesn't even want to define terms. Time to move on. Because of her approach, it's hard for you to have real closer. Get yourself healthy and let it go.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

missinglaly said:


> Chefmaster, I hear what you are saying but honestly, I would feel this way whether she texted me or not. I can't explain it without giving my life story but once I commit to something, I can't turn back. For example my marriage, I made a commitment for life. Even though she didn't hold up her end of the bargain, I still have my own moral/religious obligations to deal with. On top of all of that, she really was my best friend, my lover, my future, my world, my everything for so long and I just miss her and I don't want anyone else. I feel like I am beyond help and it is a horrible feeling. I did everything I could to save the marriage and since then I have done everything possible to move past it.......I failed at both.


And she's aware of that because she knows you, so she's playing ALL of that against you to get what she wants:_ the ability to stay in your life for whatever benefit that may offer without any responsibility to you!_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And when you do find that special someone who helps you to forget her and move on, do you think she would be very keen to an ex-wife contacting you for "no reason"?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

missinglaly said:


> Well I have an update for anyone that may be following this. I finally broke down and sent her a text.
> 
> My text: You tried contacting me a few times last week. What does it mean? Are you just trying to be friendly or is there something else there?
> 
> ...


I am so sorry for your pain, I really am. She sounds like a very self centered person who wants to think of herself as the good guy here. Responding the way she did smacks of total manipulation to me. Ending it with wishing you a happy Thanksgiving and tell your family hello from me is just cruel and bull****. She isn't a good person, far from it. 
I know you want her back, trust me I know. Ask yourself this though: why? Really dig deep and answer that. Yes you love her but isn't it one sided? So why do you want a person in your life who so callously tossed your marriage aside for somebody else. Somebody who is so vapid and self absorbed that she cannot even realize your pain but instead contacts you to make herself seem like the good person here? 
You are worth SO much more than that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Some people like your ex-wife can downgrade what you perceive as an unconditional love of great intensity to a mere weak-pulse superficial friendship and think nothing of it.

You are not such a person.

I would also venture to say that your ex-wife did not share the kind of affection for you that you do for her.

But she did like your attentions until she no longer enjoyed them.

I agree with others, move on block her contacts with you and focus on the next phase of life that does not include her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think she feels any guilt. I think she left you for another guy and that relationship just didn't pan out or is now on the skids. She's testing the waters to see if she can use you for a backup plan because, even though you don't blow her skirt up entirely, you're better than being alone. My ex did the same repeatedly and it always coincided with problems in her current relationship. She thought she was trading up to "Mr. Wonderful" and turns out he was just "Mr. Different". 
Then again, it could be she just wants to see if you have any of those pesky little shreds of dignity starting to develop again so she can come back and collect them.


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## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

Thank you all for your responses and opinions. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to comment. I can really hear a lot of experience and insight in your replies and that certainly helps. Lord knows I don't have it all figured out =)


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe she was right, maybe she did do you a favor after all by leaving.


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## missinglaly (Nov 17, 2010)

Well, the saga continues. Christmas and New Years was horrible (understandably so). She texted me a few days after christmas and said "_I hope you had a merry christmas!_" I thought about it for a moment and my only thought was....SERIOUSLY? I just had the worst holidays of my life because of the divorce and here she is trying to send a merry christmas message. So....I ignored it. She then texted back exactly one week later and said "_it is mean of you to ignore my texts. All I wanted to do was say hello and wish you a merry christmas. I don't understand._" WTF? How can she not understand. I instantly thought of about a thousand ways to answer that text but I chose to ignore it. She has also been digging for info about me from my parents. Is my silent treatment getting to her? What do I do?:scratchhead:


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

If you want more of the same treatment from her that you got before, answer the text. If you want to heal and go forward and be happy with someone that will love you, don't answer the text. She's using your parents as a way to elicit a response from you. 
I see what she's doing plain as day. She's got feelers out, and when you question her she's playing stupid...like she doesn't know what she's doing. She knows exactly what she's doing. She's attempting to string you along. 
It's not mean of you to ignore her texts...it's the smartest thing you could do. Protect yourself from this woman. Her comment about not understanding is a ploy to get you to "talking". You don't owe her that.


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## overallnow (Jan 13, 2011)

my opinion...she is looking for greener pastures but does not want to take the leap off the fence...

If she keeps you at arms distance and you allow this...she always knows if the brown spots in the new pasture are in a different place she can always jump backwards off the fence..

It is like not taking the step to move on because the water is not warm enough...keep one foot on that rock and test the next rock for stability...

I say jump...stable rock or not...let her sit on the fence...change you number...change your email...heck change everything...she will bump into you one day and regret it all...BUT you ...you will have moved on from the unstable rock..and I bet you will be happy and she wont..


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## Cinta (Dec 29, 2010)

Mate, take it from a woman's perspective, she doesn't want you back and you need to move on. Either change your phone number or block her number, and delete her number from your phone so that you are never tempted again. The sooner you do it, the more empowered and better you feel... you can start living your life again. Just get rid of her.


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