# just need to get it out.



## Summerfield (Jul 18, 2017)

We met in college, and (for me, at least), it was not love at first sight, but something changed, it was like my heart clicked closed to anyone else. We would start by dating, but then he would get scared and run away (usually by letting me overhear him talking about another girl, once by having another girl spending the night in his room). I always walked away, and he always came back. I chalked it up to being young, his inexperience, and the very very intense feelings that could be scary.

8 years later, he had his first affair. Much like our times in college, he behaved the same - turned cold and unresponsive and tried to push me away without telling me what was going on. Just mean. Our child was two. I had just quit work (at his encouragement) to focus on school. He made a new best friend and two months later he was asking for a divorce. Six months later he asked to slow the divorce process down. Six months after that he confessed and we spent the next two years reconciling.

It was a struggle (of course it was!) and we ended up moving because he wanted to be closer to family, cost of living, and some lifestyle choice. And the benefit was that we got to start over - no one in our new city knew our history. I didn't have a job, but it was okay. His job required a lot of travel, so I focused on the household and we had the flexibility to reconnect when he was home.

6 years after the first affair, he met a girl at another conference. I found 88 texts between them, and he accidentally sent me a text saying that it was probably a good thing that she hadn't made it back to his room that night. He doesn't consider this an affair (but that is point of disagreement on our part). I didn't have a job. We had just moved. According to him, it wasn't a "real affair" and he really wanted to work it out. So I agreed. 

We went through years of therapy again. And I have to say he really worked hard on his stuff. Even our therapist commented on how committed we were to working on it, and a big part of that was working on him and boundaries and why he got to that place. And in a lot of ways he really changed. Seriously - we worked hard. I can't say I forgave him - but I did accept it and move on. There was nothing that could be done but look to the future, and our future was bright.

Fast forward to about three years ago. His work was really taking a toll on him. He struggles with empathy in the best situations, but really struggles with it when his work is his main focus. Little things where I would say something like "I'm really struggling with turning 40 this year" and he would respond "I don't understand why this would be a problem - I don't have a problem with it." Are they terrible things? No. But as the comments like that built up, i withdrew some of that risky emotional conversations because he kept dismissing how I was feeling. This definitely built up for the last two years. 

Then last year, he broke. Was getting smashed drunk 2-3 times a month and telling me what a terrible person I was. Outlining all my terrible personality traits (which oddly enough are only terrible when I do them - when he does them they are just fine). Crying. Telling me he loved me, but then yelling that I was so anxious and crazy. And I couldn't leave if he was drunk - he always wanted to talk when he was drunk. Then would accuse me of pulling away and being cold because I didn't want to jump into bed with him during that time. (seriously?). He would tell me that we were going to meet for dinner to reconnect, but then be so smashed by the time I got there, and when I asked him not to drive, he would get mad. And then on the nights we would go out, he wouldn't understand why I was nervous and anxious while he started drinking - I was worried about what was to come later. instead, I'm just not fun. He wants a deep emotional connection to me, but doesn't want to take the time to rebuild it. 

And then there was the final straw - he did something that betrayed my heart by sharing something deeply personal to me (and us) about our intimate lives with a family member who while high and drunk cornered me about how I was not satisfying him. 

If nothing else, that final episode got him to stop drinking so much. I don't think I would call him an alcoholic, because he isn't dependent on it. But he is a problem drinker - as in drinking causes him problems. And he could easily shift to an alcoholic if he isn't careful.

This week he finally asked for a divorce. I can see the behavior pattern here - he pushes me away until he decides to divorce. And then he sees that he has been a **** and comes back to me. I'm not mad at him (I probably should be). I was mad at him. Now I just feel disconnected from him. But I'm still broken. And scared about my daughter (who is 15). He makes far more than I do. He travels 25-50% of the time. But I have an hour commute to my new job (which I finally got after last year's binging episode because I was scared this was coming), and would eventually love to live closer to my new job, but I don't want to move our child until high school is finished. We are hoping that maybe we can find a way to bird's nest custody for a while. I know this may be crazy - but the house is big enough and maybe if the pressure to have a deep emotional relationship (which is what he says he wants) off, then maybe we can be okay and I can take some time to get my feet on the ground, and we can prevent bouncing the child between houses (which is what we both want).

I don't hate him. But I'm so tired, and even if we did try to work it out, I think in about 4-6 years I'd start getting really nervous that this same thing is going to play out again. He thinks thats a dealbreaker for him. He can't live with me if I'm going to be thinking that another shoe is going to drop. (unrealistic - we both know that).

That's my dump for now. I have no one really to talk about this with. Everyone either doesn't know about his past or I have hidden the last year from. Or it could get back to family members (we are super close with his family).


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Amazing how he is the one who cheats and abuses alcohol and he gets to decide what's a deal breaker for him. 

You sound like a decent person who as you say is TIRED of it all. Frankly, it's up to him to own up to his bullcrap and treat you like an actual marriage partner and not cheat on you. If in 4-6 years it should be your option to walk if you can't reconcile. 

That being said, timing of it all does suck. But I wouldn't advise you staying in a toxic marriage you knew was doomed while you wait for your kid to graduate. Remember, your kid is watching you and learning how to interact with a husband from you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Summerfield said:


> We met in college, and (for me, at least), it was not love at first sight, but something changed, it was like my heart clicked closed to anyone else. We would start by dating, but then he would get scared and run away (usually by letting me overhear him talking about another girl, once by having another girl spending the night in his room). I always walked away, and he always came back. I chalked it up to being young, his inexperience, and the very very intense feelings that could be scary.
> 
> 8 years later, he had his first affair. Much like our times in college, he behaved the same - turned cold and unresponsive and tried to push me away without telling me what was going on. Just mean. Our child was two. I had just quit work (at his encouragement) to focus on school. He made a new best friend and two months later he was asking for a divorce. Six months later he asked to slow the divorce process down. Six months after that he confessed and we spent the next two years reconciling.
> 
> ...


Summerfield, so sorry you are going through this.
Your husband is emotionally abusing you. YOu are taking responsibility for the state of your marriage and the reason why you are so afraid of connecting with him is because of his previous betrayals which have never been dealt with.
He blamed you for those also. 
Have you had counselling for this? He is the one who is emotionally bankrupt, the signs were there in college, the way he treated you and you stayed.
The cheating, you rug swept it. I doubt he will do anything to change himself or make amends to you. Therefore, get your ducks in a row, do not waste any more time on him, tell him he can have the divorce, go and see a lawyer, (he will have to pay). Do not let this stop you from leaving him. Tell your family and friends about everything including his cheating and ask for support. He could well be cheating again and is grappling with the guilt.
How close is your kid to him?


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## Summerfield (Jul 18, 2017)

aine said:


> Summerfield, so sorry you are going through this.
> Your husband is emotionally abusing you. YOu are taking responsibility for the state of your marriage and the reason why you are so afraid of connecting with him is because of his previous betrayals which have never been dealt with.
> He blamed you for those also.


I struggle with what is emotional abuse. One of the difficulties with living with someone who has an f'd up view of the world on top of a tendency to gaslight is that I have no freaking clue what is normal anymore. He is always telling me that I am overreacting, or overthinking or over analyzing the situation. And I will say - I *do* think about stuff... a lot! I've got a lot of education, it's what I was trained to do. It's hard to know whats normal and when I need to stop. Or what isn't normal and I need to say no. 

Plus I've hidden so much for so long... nobody believes me....





aine said:


> The cheating, you rug swept it. I doubt he will do anything to change himself or make amends to you.


I can legitimately say we didn't rug sweep it. The first time, we went through intensive couples therapy for over a year. Really thought that we started over again (moved to a new city...). Even the second time (which again, he/I rationalized as wasn't a real affair since nothing technically happened) - he went two years of personal counseling on top of couples therapy. Our therapist (who I do truly trust - as someone who works in a similar field) "graduated" both of us and complimented us on our commitment to rebuilding the marriage. I still had sad times. It was still hard. But I really tried to keep them to myself - if it was going to work, I had to accept and move on. And I truly did feel safe and comfortable in our relationship - I even trusted him enough to quit my job! 

Ultimately though, I dont think he can change. I think he got better this time and asked for the divorce before he cheated (trus tme - I know how to find that stuff now). But I don't think he can change these deep rooted stuff without someone constantly challenging him on his world views. And I just don't have it in me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Were needs not being met on both sides? How often were you two intimate? 

Was your marriage ever great? If it were to end today, should it be mourned or rejoiced that it's over? Sounds like you both were never madly in love with each other, lusting each other. Just decided life is easier with two people and got married and had a kid.


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## Summerfield (Jul 18, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Were needs not being met on both sides? How often were you two intimate?
> 
> Was your marriage ever great? If it were to end today, should it be mourned or rejoiced that it's over? Sounds like you both were never madly in love with each other, lusting each other. Just decided life is easier with two people and got married and had a kid.



Not quite sure where you got that from. Yes - our marriage was great. We got married very very young - in the heat of youth! Even our counselor said that we were one of the most in-touch, emotionally connected couples she had seen. Even up until about a year and a half ago we were intimate 2-3 times a week... definitely got harder as our kid got older, but we had time (we both worked from home). When the drinking started, it slowed down. I just couldn't. And he was so angry.

When he had the first affair (and for that matter the second) - I stayed because I actually was still crazy about him. At that time, there was still not another man I wanted to be with because I *liked* him. It was not fear of being alone. 

Even up until about 3 years ago it was great - he was giving marriage advice to our friends so they could be more like us! But his work got tough and he only wanted to talk about his work. Anything going on with me was not as important as his job. I asked for some more attention from him - maybe take a couple trips together - find some time for the two of us and he blew up. The last year he has turned into someone else. The drinking. The anger - so angry at me. He just doesn't even like me anymore. And then yells at me because he doesn't think I like him?

At this point, I would mourn it because I don't even think *he* would like the guy he is now. 

He's asked for the divorce now. While I don't think he is seeing anyone... yet... I think anytime things get normal he looks outside for greener pastures. Or more likely - I just can't give him enough to make him happy. Not sure anyone can, honestly.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Multiple affairs, sorry to say, send him on his way. (I usually am for working things out, not in this case)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Summerfield said:


> Not quite sure where you got that from. Yes - our marriage was great. We got married very very young - in the heat of youth! Even our counselor said that we were one of the most in-touch, emotionally connected couples she had seen. Even up until about a year and a half ago we were intimate 2-3 times a week... definitely got harder as our kid got older, but we had time (we both worked from home). When the drinking started, it slowed down. I just couldn't. And he was so angry.
> 
> When he had the first affair (and for that matter the second) - I stayed because I actually was still crazy about him. At that time, there was still not another man I wanted to be with because I *liked* him. It was not fear of being alone.
> 
> ...


*You'd absolutely be surprised at what he might have been up to!

Do you really trust the word of a confirmed cheater? Better make yourself an appointment with a good family law attorney and explore all of your legal rights and options!*


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

LEAVE lady!!!! I have been thru this. Respect yourself and get out!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's a serial cheater. The signs were there in college. It's likely that no one will ever be enough for him but he'll keep looking. 

His pattern is always to return. If he does, I hope you have the strength to resist or you'll be spending the rest of your life dealing with situations like this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to divorce this man. He has sucked away more than enough of your life already. He isnt worth it, let him go and go find you some happiness for a change.


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