# Forgiven but can't forget...eating me up inside



## Lulu22 (Dec 7, 2012)

Im glad I found this page because I have never spoken to anyone about this and I desperately need to get it off my chest! I apologize in advance for the long post.

I have been married for 3 years and have a young child. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we are both in our early 30's. 

6 years ago (living together for 2) I had some suspicions - I'm not sure what made me do this but I checked his email and facebook accounts. He had been 'speaking' to other women on the Internet and had joined dating websites. There were photos of women scantily clad, and conversations. These women were in another country, he had not met them in person, however the nature of these 'conversations' amounted to cheating to me. I also read an email to an ex colleague which appeared to insinuate that they had a fling. He told me they had a drunken kiss once but swore blind nothing else happened as she also had a boyfriend. 

Anyhow, we argued, I left for a few weeks, went on holiday with a girlfriend and we had space. He told me upon my return that he was sorry, he made mistakes and I was the one he wanted. He took huge steps to prove he wanted a life with me, we moved to another country together and he proposed, wanted us to share our lives forever and I accepted. People make mistakes, we were both young I thought I'd get over it.

We got married 3 years later, built ourselves a great life and I thought we were happy. Although if I am honest I never truly forgave him for hurting and humiliating me and I never fully trusted him again but i was getting there. He has never been good at communicating and after years of trying to talk to him, I guess I gave up and we must went about our lives without ever addressing any communication or emotional issues. The whole Ning was just swept under the carpet.

When I fell pregnant I was so excited, my husband took a bit longer to get excited but I figured this is a guy thing as I was experiencing all of the changes etc. I was reading books, learning about the babys development etc but never felt like he was that interested. I was hormonal/emotional and we had many arguments during this time, he was also extremely busy in his career which was also putting pressure on him and he wouldn't speak to me about anything, and if he tried if I'm honest we would end up arguing. 

Our baby was born, and we were a family. We were both so happy, we adore our child and he is a fantastic Daddy and provider for us. 

However I had these thoughts at the back of my mind, that I wasn't enough for him before and now with a baby to look after and less time for him is it going to happen again? 

Earlier this year (March) I had an urge to check his phone and emails...he had been working away a lot and was very moody and hard to talk to. I found messenger chats with old friends (female) telling them he was unhappy and wishes he could spend some time with them etc. also messages to old female friends which were a bit flirty, just that nature of them upset me. They were from the months just before our baby was born. I also found dating/chat website profiles which he had set up since we had moved overseas which were not active anymore but had been set up after we were engaged. .

I confronted him, told him that I was leaving and if he was so unhappy he should have been man enough to tell me before we had a child together and not have to have them go through parents separating. He was devastated. He begged me not to go, told me it gave him an ego boost to get a bit of attention and we had been arguing so much at that time. This was the first time I can remember we both communicatde frankly with each other. We had never really addressed why he had been 'online' originally and now we needed to sort this out for both of our sakes and our child. 

He broke down and told me things about his childhood, some of which I was aware of, and some I was not. He went through some terrible things as a kid and never has had a good communicative relationship with his family. He doesn't want our child to grow up like he did, not being able to talk about feelings and have parents that can't talk without arguing. He told me that he knew he had a problem, he found it impossible to talk about emotional things to people he cared about and found it easier to chat to unknowns or people on the internet as there was not any emotion involved for him, he could log off when he felt better and that was it?! he told me he was going to sort it out as he couldn't live like this and he didn't want to lose us. True to his word he started counselling sessions and has honestly been like a new man since. He has been more open, willing to sit and talk and it has made a huge difference to both his demeanor and outlook as well as our relationship and family life. 

When all of this happened earlier this year I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about as I needed to start with a clean slate as such, and if I found out about other things further down the track I don't think I could cope. He told me that 15 months after we started seeing each other, and just moved in together whilst he was working away he had a relationship with someone else. This continued whilst he was away (2 months) but stopped as soon as he left work and came home. This was 7 years ago and he has not seen the girl since but they were friends on Facebook and she was one of the girls he had been 'chatting' with on messenger when I was pregnant. I know he hadn't seen her as she lives on the other side of the world, but I was so hurt that he was saying he would love to see her now,how good she looked etc when I was pregnant carrying his child, knowing he had been with her years before. Anyhow, he then went to the counselling, has blocked these old friends from Facebook and has tried to be the best husband and Dad he can be.

My problem is I can't forget...when we make love I think about him with her, when he is traveling with work I worry he will Be tempted to 'chat' online as he is stuck in a hotel and bored, it is driving me crazy. I do truly believe that he has dealt with some demons and he is trying to be a better person. However I feel like I have been cheated out of a happy marriage because I don't feel like I am cherished like a wife should be and there hasn't really been any consequence to him for all of the hurt he has caused me. I havent told a sole any of this that has happened as I feel so humiliated. I know that the physical infidelity was years ago and we have since married and moved on, but I can't get it out of my head. 

How do I get past this? Can I get past this or am I destined to live my life feeling like I am second best? I am open to a your suggestions because I want to be happily married to my husband, and for our child to grow up in a happy, loving family with both parents. 

Do you believe someone can change and commit...or am I just setting myself up for a huge heartbreak?


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## poshsquash (Dec 8, 2012)

Infidelity is IMHO the worst thing possible. He clearly only feels bad about being caught, so that is it. Install a keylogger on the computer, and you will be able to see what he is really doing.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The thing is, You will never forget. It may fade over time but it will always be there.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry but it sounds like your H is a serial cheater. The reason you can't move on is because you don't trust him.
Is he being totally transparent? No passwords on cell phone/emailFB?
I'm sorry but his reasons for not communicating with you sound feeble! 
MC could be a step forward for you both.
He also needs to know there a consequences to his cheating. So far he's got away with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You need to ge yourself into individual counseling as soon as possible. Explore these issues with your counselor, and once you have a firm grasp on the root of your discomfort, ask him to attend couples counseling with you so you two can learn how to best move forward with a happy and healthy relationship. You say he has done many things to change and to become a better partner to you. Do you think he has done everything in his power to fix the problems his infidelity caused? Or do you think he has done what he thinks is enough to get you off his back? If the answer is that he has done all he can, then the rest is up to you. Its the toughest thing to do as a betrayed spouse, let the walls down, and trust the person who hurt you with your heart and soul. There is also no reason to keep what happened between you two a secret. Secrets are poison to the soul.


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