# Married 3 weeks, then it all ended



## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

Title states it all, married 3 weeks. Everything seemed perfect, and was going well. One day at work she was acting somewhat distant. So, I called her (assuming she was just upset about changing her last name to mine because none of her records match) and asked if everything is alright. She replied with yes so I went back on with my work day. Decided to leave work early cause it was her off day and figured she could use me around the house and noticed a facebook message that read "I need to tell you something, I saw a therapist day, and Im not happy anymore". So I calmly replied with I will be here to help and talk if need be. So, when she finally gets home, she tells me she needs to be alone, like alone alone where I'm not in there picture. At this point, Im very confused as I hadnt done anything. So, fast forward two weeks Ive moved out, let her keep the place so my son can still keep his home. She tells me she doesnt see us getting back together. Has told me that Im not the issue and thats it her. That she didnt want to get married, and figured getting married might fill the void she feels. More details arise as days go on, but to me what it boils down to is she was having second thoughts about being in a relationship. She's told me that shes been in something with another man since the age of 14, and has never just been by herself. Shes 24 now, and has always lived with her boyfriends over the years. So, yes I can somewhat understand the need to be alone since you really havent most of your life, but to do this AFTER we get married? We've been a couple off an on for 5 years now. More on than off though. She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants or needs and putting myself last. We've been apart before, so this isnt new, but its never felt permanent. She says she wants to work on her personal happiness and cant do that with me in the picture. Im terrified I dont get to wake up next to her anymore or hold her hand or make any more memories together. She said she doesn't want a divorce, but that could also just be her trying to go easier on my since this all came out of left field to begin with. Im just scared, because my marriage means the world to me, but it doesnt seem like she wants to ever have it back the way it was.


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## ScottishKin (Jun 4, 2017)

Hey friend.

I'm new here, drawn by a similar situation (my thread is in the same forum) and really can't offer much in the way of answers. I don't have the wisdom or experience that some of the guys here do, but I can see echoes of what you're going through in my own relationship with my wife - although we got to six months.

My wife has also never been alone having jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend to me, through boyfriend, fiancé, partner and finally husband. She began talk therapy again recently and although she has strong BPD traits which means I didn't get so much as a one sentence explanation before she told me she was done and ghosted me, I do wonder what the therapy dredged up and made her feel. 

In your case, it's possible the issues she discussed in therapy unearthed a deep sadness and perhaps a lack of identity, and perhaps her relative youth has caused her to question everything about herself. Her relative youth could also explain why she has taken the easy way out, as emotional maturity and the desire to make rational, well rounded decisions takes a lot of integrity and empathy.

How has your relationship been in general? When you say on and off, what causes the off times and what or who brings you back together? Do you have any feelings in regard your roles you both play in the relationship?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Let her go. If she wanted to be with you, there would be no doubt. It is much easier to split now when there are not tons of ties to sever.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She's a nutcase. 

Save yourself. See an attorney yesterday and protect your assets, property and resources so she doesn't empty out whatever accounts she has access to and disappears. 

Don't let her talk you into waiting on the shelf for her to straighten herself out. 

Take a hardline 'all-in-or-all-out' stand on this. 

Either she goes 'all-in' and remains in the marriage and in the home and continues to live as a married husband and wife while she goes to the shrink and gets treated by a competent professional for whatever disorder(s) she has. 

Or you immediately file for divorce, protect yourself and your assets and your relationship with your son and you move on with your own life leaving her to her own issues behind. 

One or the other. Do not get roped into some purgatory or limbo in between where you are sitting at home smoking on the Hopium pipe while she is out living it up in the single life while she still is on your insurance plan and is still tapping into marital funds to support her single, care free lifestyle. 

In or out. One or the other. Nothing in between.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your child? Are you the biological father of the child?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Better now than later.

You must have seen this side of her?

She is unstable? Has she always been this way?

I believe she is being honest. But Jeez!, could she not have called off the wedding?

Is she on anti-anxiety medications? Has she gotten off of them? Changed the daily dosage?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

One can say no, it takes two to say yes. She has had her say. Time for you to listen and move on.

This is not a time for half measures. If she doesn't see enough value in the marriage to put effort into it, you need to end it. It's more merciful for both of you.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your child? Are you the biological father of the child?


 our son is 3 and yes I am he biological father


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Better now than later.
> 
> You must have seen this side of her?
> 
> ...


Shes never been this bad. Before I met her she was on depression medication but has since stopped taking them. And I agree would have rather he marriage not happen then us pledge our lives together. It meant something to me.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> She's a nutcase.
> 
> Save yourself. See an attorney yesterday and protect your assets, property and resources so she doesn't empty out whatever accounts she has access to and disappears.
> 
> ...


I need to listen to this but I know I won't. I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

ScottishKin said:


> Hey friend.
> 
> I'm new here, drawn by a similar situation (my thread is in the same forum) and really can't offer much in the way of answers. I don't have the wisdom or experience that some of the guys here do, but I can see echoes of what you're going through in my own relationship with my wife - although we got to six months.
> 
> ...


I've played a role in us being apart before that's for sure. It's always been something I've worked on for the better. Hence why this is all out of left Field. She showed some cold before prior to the marriage but told me not to stress it, she'll be fine. Guess she was wrong.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

holy molly. Kick her out of YOUR house. Get the divorce, Forget about her, she is bat**** crazy.
not sure what country you are in, but might be able to get the marriage annulled too, like as if it never happened.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yes, get the marriage annulled. What a joke. Definitely don't fight to save this marriage. Get it in your head, she is a train wreck and will only hurt you. Keep the annulment as conflict free as possible. You two will need to co-parent for the next 15 years, so give her what she wants and protect yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She married you under false pretenses and made lifelong promises which she has broken after just 3 weeks and had no intention of keeping. She sounds very immature and selfish. I am sorry that your poor child will be so hurt, but that's what happens when you have a selfish immature mother. 

My advice, go back to you home and be with your son. If she wants to be alone, she can leave without your child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ijdm said:


> our son is 3 and yes I am he biological father


Have you talked to a lawyer about you moving out and leaving your son?

How many hours a week do you get your son right now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ijdm said:


> I need to listen to this but I know I won't. I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all


Can you explain further why you would not follow that advice?


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

ijdm said:


> She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants


What did you say that was so edge jumping?

Why did you need to change "drastically"?

Why the on again, off again relationship over the years?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ijdm said:


> I need to listen to this but I know I won't. *I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch*. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all


Oh no no no! You get your butt back in that house stat! How dare she behave like this and get to stay in the house with your child? She's the one who doesn't want to be married, she can leave - but the child stays with you.

If you said something that upset her that much, she should have communicated that to you at the time. My husband said something to me once that left me absolutely shattered (I posted here about it). I'm still here. 

Look in to having the marriage annulled, you may be able to protect your assets better that way.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> She married you under false pretenses and made lifelong promises which she has broken after just 3 weeks and had no intention of keeping. She sounds very immature and selfish. I am sorry that your poor child will be so hurt, but that's what happens when you have a selfish immature mother.
> 
> My advice, go back to you home and be with your son. If she wants to be alone, she can leave without your child.


I've considered keeping the place and making her leave if she decides. But she'll take my son


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> ijdm said:
> 
> 
> > our son is 3 and yes I am he biological father
> ...


I hadn't spoken to anyone. Live pay check to pay check and couldn't afford a lawyer. So far I've had my son more often than she since I've left. I'm still on the lease since if I leave the landlord evicts her since she doesn't make enough to keep it.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

Joyfull said:


> ijdm said:
> 
> 
> > She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants
> ...


To her, I insulted her intelligence 

I changed drastically because I apparently had a ton of flaws she didn't care for

The on again off again was because my ex made it very difficult to see my oldest child if I was with my wife I have now. So I would break it out to get more time with my son


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> ijdm said:
> 
> 
> > I need to listen to this but I know I won't. I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all
> ...


Because my vows meant something to me. Wether or not she meant hers I meant mine. It's tough to walk away from this when I made the promise to be there for a life time


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

frusdil said:


> ijdm said:
> 
> 
> > I need to listen to this but I know I won't. *I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch*. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all
> ...


You're right I should stay, but I'm the bad guy if I bring that up. I have zero assets worth anything to her. I have a car that's about it. Hers is newer and worth more. I have nothing because I gave up everything for her


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why did you leave the house/

1. move back in and stay in a separate bedroom, she wants you out, then she can move out!
2. Can you get some form of legal aid or go see some organisation that gives free advice about your rights
3. Work on yourself and spend time with your kid
4. Go online and draw up a separation agreement, that satisfies you both, about watching child, paying expenses
5. Stop funding her, pay half the bills, tell her to go get a job asap
6. Check out divorce requirements in your state
7. Do the 180 for yourself, to emotionally detach

There is no point in hanging on to someone who doesn't want you in their life, you cannot nice her back into the marriage at all.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

aine said:


> Why did you leave the house/
> 
> 1. move back in and stay in a separate bedroom, she wants you out, then she can move out!
> 2. Can you get some form of legal aid or go see some organisation that gives free advice about your rights
> ...


What is the 180? I see it mentioned here a few times. I am working on myself though and building a stronger relationship with my son. I know nicing her back isn't going to work though. I moved out Saturday morning yet she's wanted me here the last two nights. I'm typing this out from the front porch as she leaves for work. She had a job, but I definitely make more money than she does. We've talked about what would happen with the child and I'm satisfied with that. I can see what my options are as far as cheap or some kind of free aid. I am in the US and in Ohio specifically


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

ijdm said:


> Title states it all, married 3 weeks. Everything seemed perfect, and was going well. One day at work she was acting somewhat distant. So, I called her (assuming she was just upset about changing her last name to mine because none of her records match) and asked if everything is alright. She replied with yes so I went back on with my work day. Decided to leave work early cause it was her off day and figured she could use me around the house and noticed a facebook message that read "I need to tell you something, I saw a therapist day, and Im not happy anymore". So I calmly replied with I will be here to help and talk if need be. So, when she finally gets home, she tells me she needs to be alone, like alone alone where I'm not in there picture. At this point, Im very confused as I hadnt done anything. So, fast forward two weeks Ive moved out, let her keep the place so my son can still keep his home. She tells me she doesnt see us getting back together. Has told me that Im not the issue and thats it her. That she didnt want to get married, and figured getting married might fill the void she feels. More details arise as days go on, but to me what it boils down to is she was having second thoughts about being in a relationship. She's told me that shes been in something with another man since the age of 14, and has never just been by herself. Shes 24 now, and has always lived with her boyfriends over the years. So, yes I can somewhat understand the need to be alone since you really havent most of your life, but to do this AFTER we get married? We've been a couple off an on for 5 years now. More on than off though. She has since told me that something I had said a few months back tipped her over the edge and that I was the one who put the nail in the coffin. Ive changed drastically over the past 6 months to give her everything she wants or needs and putting myself last. We've been apart before, so this isnt new, but its never felt permanent. She says she wants to work on her personal happiness and cant do that with me in the picture. Im terrified I dont get to wake up next to her anymore or hold her hand or make any more memories together. She said she doesn't want a divorce, but that could also just be her trying to go easier on my since this all came out of left field to begin with. Im just scared, because my marriage means the world to me, but it doesnt seem like she wants to ever have it back the way it was.


Just curious, what did you say a few months ago that supposedly put her off so much?


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

Ghost Rider said:


> Just curious, what did you say a few months ago that supposedly put her off so much?



She told me I insulted her intelligence, I don't see where and she couldn't give me what I said or really when I said it. She said she had second thoughts before the wedding, but what ever statement I made, sent her over the edge. I don't know really, she contradicts herself constantly


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ijdm said:


> I've played a role in us being apart before that's for sure. It's always been something I've worked on for the better. Hence why this is all out of left Field. She showed some cold before prior to the marriage but told me not to stress it, she'll be fine. Guess she was wrong.


No. You were wrong.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> No. You were wrong.


I could have walked, or postponed the plans, hell I didnt even pick the day for the wedding she did. We were engaged for two years without ever setting a date. The day she did, was three weeks before we got married. I get her therapist saying that she probably doesnt know who she is, or shes in some kind of identity crisis, I really do. I respect that she went to get help in the first place, but this isnt the way she should have handled the situation. The last two days have showed promise, she even kissed me the other night, felt just like it did when she was madly in love with me. I guess, my main issue with everything is that I just think shes confused, doesnt know if committing herself to me 100% is the right thing to do, or maybe shes missing out on some part of life, Im 5 years older than her, I've seen all I care to see, settling down is whats for me, and I think shes just terrified of that. Maybe Im wrong, I usually am.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To be fair, what she has said is extremely common. Girls latch onto boys around 14 because it's what we're raised to believe is normal. And girls being the less dominant sex, we tend to be less confrontational, to do whatever the guy wants, to not speak up, to basically turn ourselves into a 'fake' version of ourselves to please (and keep) the guy. As we get older, we continue this pattern of needing to have a guy and not ever really getting to know who we are. And then we often go straight to marriage, STILL never knowing who we really are, whether we can stand up all by ourselves without a guy around. And oddly enough, it's around age 24 to 25 that our brains finish fully developing and we start to feel like we really CAN take care of ourselves, we don't need a man to do it. At the same time, we're starting to get decent jobs and don't need financial support quite as much. The need for a male 'protector' fades and we start to wonder who the hell we are. And when the guy is 5 years older than her, that's exactly what she was doing - seeking a father figure to protect her.

Now, assuming she hasn't met someone else (did you check her phone records?), it's possible to salvage the marriage at this point by allowing her to live life on her own for now, let her make her own decisions, pay her own bills, fix her own flat tire, so to speak. If you can continue to respect her needs, be a good dad, and let her work through this, it's possible she'll get it out of her system and love you even more for respecting her enough to do this.

If she's never shown any previous signs of being a selfish biotch, I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of working out.


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

Totally crazy behavior on her part. We're you married in a church? Any way to go speak with the priest or whoever married you, to ask for help? That's assuming you still want to stay married with this jekyll and Hyde.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> To be fair, what she has said is extremely common. Girls latch onto boys around 14 because it's what we're raised to believe is normal. And girls being the less dominant sex, we tend to be less confrontational, to do whatever the guy wants, to not speak up, to basically turn ourselves into a 'fake' version of ourselves to please (and keep) the guy. As we get older, we continue this pattern of needing to have a guy and not ever really getting to know who we are. And then we often go straight to marriage, STILL never knowing who we really are, whether we can stand up all by ourselves without a guy around. And oddly enough, it's around age 24 to 25 that our brains finish fully developing and we start to feel like we really CAN take care of ourselves, we don't need a man to do it. At the same time, we're starting to get decent jobs and don't need financial support quite as much. *The need for a male 'protector' fades and we start to wonder who the hell we are.* And when the guy is 5 years older than her, that's exactly what she was doing - seeking a father figure to protect her.
> 
> Now, assuming she hasn't met someone else (did you check her phone records?), it's possible to salvage the marriage at this point by allowing her to live life on her own for now, let her make her own decisions, pay her own bills, fix her own flat tire, so to speak. If you can continue to respect her needs, be a good dad, and let her work through this, it's possible she'll get it out of her system and love you even more for respecting her enough to do this.
> 
> If she's never shown any previous signs of being a selfish biotch, I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of working out.


Mrs Turner is right.

I hate it when women find out that they do not need you...I do, I do.

In reality, they *do need* something from you [or some man]. They need you [or some man] *to make babies*, and *to make their toes curl *when they get horny. The sum total of those needs is < 1 % percent of her waking hours. I hate this, I do, I do...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ijdm said:


> I could have walked, or postponed the plans, hell I didnt even pick the day for the wedding she did. We were engaged for two years without ever setting a date. The day she did, was three weeks before we got married. I get her therapist saying that she probably doesnt know who she is, or shes in some kind of identity crisis, I really do. I respect that she went to get help in the first place, but this isnt the way she should have handled the situation. The last two days have showed promise, she even kissed me the other night, felt just like it did when she was madly in love with me. I guess, my main issue with everything is that I just think shes confused, doesnt know if committing herself to me 100% is the right thing to do, or maybe shes missing out on some part of life, Im 5 years older than her, I've seen all I care to see, settling down is whats for me, and I think shes just terrified of that. Maybe Im wrong, I usually am.


Can I be blunt?

No one is confused. It's about having your cake and eating it and seeing how far you can push that line before it snaps.

If you have money for your mortgage but put it towards that sweet new sports car it a matter of getting your priorities wrong.

You choose to cheat or you don't.

You choose to lie or you tell the truth.

You commit to someone it's called fidelity. Through dating, when you go to a club and millions of girls are hitting on you, yes you can bang them all, but you don't because you have an understanding based on trust not to f*ck around on your girlfriend. Same goes for marriage.

Even in the worst case scenario that this was some kind of existential crisis on her part, she should have come and talked to you before you tied the knot, sure it would have been hard but it would have been the right thing to do not only as your fiance but as your friend (as I see it friendship should surely be the foundation of any partnership let alone marriage)

I say cheating because this is almost as bad as cheating, stealing trust, stealing security of a relationship and stealing time and even the dreams you had of your future.

I say you take her at her word and believe what she's telling you and not to make excuses for her because guess what, the only person twisting in the wind is you and your life.

Take control of your life and you don't let her in yours until she demonstrates she is safe and stops behaving like a petulant child and owns up to her responsibilities.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

turnera said:


> To be fair, what she has said is extremely common. Girls latch onto boys around 14 because it's what we're raised to believe is normal. And girls being the less dominant sex, we tend to be less confrontational, to do whatever the guy wants, to not speak up, to basically turn ourselves into a 'fake' version of ourselves to please (and keep) the guy. As we get older, we continue this pattern of needing to have a guy and not ever really getting to know who we are. And then we often go straight to marriage, STILL never knowing who we really are, whether we can stand up all by ourselves without a guy around. And oddly enough, it's around age 24 to 25 that our brains finish fully developing and we start to feel like we really CAN take care of ourselves, we don't need a man to do it. At the same time, we're starting to get decent jobs and don't need financial support quite as much. The need for a male 'protector' fades and we start to wonder who the hell we are. And when the guy is 5 years older than her, that's exactly what she was doing - seeking a father figure to protect her.
> 
> Now, assuming she hasn't met someone else (did you check her phone records?), it's possible to salvage the marriage at this point by allowing her to live life on her own for now, let her make her own decisions, pay her own bills, fix her own flat tire, so to speak. If you can continue to respect her needs, be a good dad, and let her work through this, it's possible she'll get it out of her system and love you even more for respecting her enough to do this.
> 
> If she's never shown any previous signs of being a selfish biotch, I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of working out.


Since I pay the phone, and shes on my plan, I could check the bills. She does work with a guy, whom she slept with the last time we split. He's not really what I would call a threat, and I do honestly believe she's doing this for herself and herself alone. Over the last five years I've known her, she really hasnt taken care of herself. Either me or her mom doing the work. Im still the first person she calls when in need, thats why I was there last night, she was in pain (something to do with tendons or something) and I didnt hesitate to come back to her house so she could sleep and I stayed up with our son. Like I said previously, this isnt the first time we split. I ended everything about a year ago for 3 weeks or so because I wasnt happy where I was at personally in life, but I came around. She's never given up on me any time I felt selfish in the relationship, thats why Im willing to give it some time. Shes explicitly said, she has no interest in dating nor seeing other people, and since I usually just have my son during the day and she at nights, I believe her on that. In all honesty, nothing really has changed so much, aside from no "i love yous" and no sex ( we did sleep together a few days ago), or the cold shoulder during the while either of us is at work, its almost the same. She has said to me prior the I came across controlling, or we had such an awesome life together before our son was born. Was he was born, we stopped doing things as a couple and it became doing things that involved all three of us, or me alone. She, and this is becoming all too real as I type, has never really done anything for herself since I've known her. Always involved herself in my life and hobbies, I honestly never made an attempt to ask or do what she likes to do. We had 2 major things in common, music, and cars. She loves imports and going to car shows and stuff, and once my son was born, I sold my "fun" car and bought a normal commuter. Shes said quite often shes wanted to go to these things, and I always say she can go if she wants, ill stay home. I suppose I have a lot more to do with all of this than I thought, because shes not one to talk about issues until there are just too many to deal with and she explodes.


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> Can I be blunt?
> 
> No one is confused. It's about having your cake and eating it and seeing how far you can push that line before it snaps.
> 
> ...


Youre absolutely right, I do believe shes just not ready for this. Maybe eventually she will come around, but clearly not at this very moment. I do feel like my world was ripped right out of my hands and had no chance to prepare for any of it


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

Sly Fox said:


> Totally crazy behavior on her part. We're you married in a church? Any way to go speak with the priest or whoever married you, to ask for help? That's assuming you still want to stay married with this jekyll and Hyde.


My buddy married us, he is an ordained minister. He's spoken to her about all of this (he was a mutual friend). At the time she just ignored him, well because I was annoying her with my constant begging to make this work. Perhaps if he spoke now since she isnt all heated over everything, he may get through to her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just let her go. Move on and find some happiness. Its not supposed to be this hard. (yes it takes work but this is ridiculous)


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just let her go. Move on and find some happiness. Its not supposed to be this hard. (yes it takes work but this is ridiculous)


I am leaning towards just letting her go. If she comes back, then we can deal with it then, but currently, I feel more pity from her than anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you check the phone records?


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

turnera said:


> Did you check the phone records?



I did not, while I should, I'd rather not find anything thatll make me feel worse. Besides, she uses snap chat more than anything.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ijdm said:


> I need to listen to this but I know I won't. I'm even paying the bills for the next month so she can get a head start on the bills while I sleep on a buddies couch. This obviously hasn't been easy on me and she comes across like she doesn't care at all


Are you swinging by the place to kiss her ass and wipe it as well?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ijdm said:


> Since I pay the phone, and shes on my plan, I could check the bills. She does work with a guy, whom she slept with the last time we split. He's not really what I would call a threat, and I do honestly believe she's doing this for herself and herself alone. Over the last five years I've known her, she really hasnt taken care of herself. Either me or her mom doing the work. Im still the first person she calls when in need, thats why I was there last night, she was in pain (something to do with tendons or something) and I didnt hesitate to come back to her house so she could sleep and I stayed up with our son. Like I said previously, this isnt the first time we split. I ended everything about a year ago for 3 weeks or so because I wasnt happy where I was at personally in life, but I came around. She's never given up on me any time I felt selfish in the relationship, thats why Im willing to give it some time. Shes explicitly said, she has no interest in dating nor seeing other people, and since I usually just have my son during the day and she at nights, I believe her on that. In all honesty, nothing really has changed so much, aside from no "i love yous" and no sex ( we did sleep together a few days ago), or the cold shoulder during the while either of us is at work, its almost the same. She has said to me prior the I came across controlling, or we had such an awesome life together before our son was born. Was he was born, we stopped doing things as a couple and it became doing things that involved all three of us, or me alone. She, and this is becoming all too real as I type, has never really done anything for herself since I've known her. Always involved herself in my life and hobbies, I honestly never made an attempt to ask or do what she likes to do. We had 2 major things in common, music, and cars. She loves imports and going to car shows and stuff, and once my son was born, I sold my "fun" car and bought a normal commuter. Shes said quite often shes wanted to go to these things, and I always say she can go if she wants, ill stay home. I suppose I have a lot more to do with all of this than I thought, because shes not one to talk about issues until there are just too many to deal with and she explodes.


And, you spend all your time trying to avoid big reactions from her and attempting to put a smile on her face - correct?


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## ijdm (Jun 25, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> And, you spend all your time trying to avoid big reactions from her and attempting to put a smile on her face - correct?


Yes and No, currently I'm avoiding conflict, but usually if I'm right or think something is wrong or what ever, I'd speak up and address it. And to answer your other question, no I do not go and wipe her ass haha


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ijdm said:


> Yes and No, currently I'm avoiding conflict, but usually if I'm right or think something is wrong or what ever, I'd speak up and address it. And to answer your other question, no I do not go and wipe her ass haha


I'm actually glad you're still able to laugh.

It's a good first step on the road to recovery.

Keep in mind, you can simply surrender and let her go - and likely move to the next relationship having learned nothing.

It's a formula we see over and over.

The hardest work you'll do is the work on self. And, truly, it's the only work worth doing.

This has the potential to be a teaching moment and changes your entire future for the better.

But, you have to embrace it as such.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you're going to - what exactly? Keep hoping that at some point in the future she will change her mind and decide to come back to you? Keep yourself living in limbo for as long as it takes for her to kick you hard enough in the balls? What are you DOING here??

Go back home, tell HER to get the hell out, and she can leave your son there as well. Look up the 180 - here' I'll do that for you - 

The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

And TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.

Also get STD tested, and I hate to say it but you might want to DNA test your son as well. Sounds to me like she hasn't exactly been faithful over the years.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Were you raised by a single mom? Because I don't see much in the way of masculine tendencies here. Sorry to let you know that


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

ijdm said:


> Yes and No, currently I'm avoiding conflict, but usually if I'm right or think something is wrong or what ever, I'd speak up and address it. And to answer your other question, no I do not go and wipe her ass haha


She showed you exactly who she was before you M her. You ignored it.

She showed you exactly who she was after you M her. Don't ignore this.

99% of the time the movie (marriage) is much worse than the preview (courtship).

How are you holding up?


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