# I am lost, confused and depressed



## chloe25 (Dec 3, 2009)

Hi you all

I am new here and away from family and too embaresed to go cry to mommy so i really need someone to listen to me and tell me what to do straight.

I'll start from the beginning:

I was in last year university studying sciences. I was taking student loans to pay for my school because i wanted to be independent; however, my family had provided me with the best life and pocessions that they could.

I met my husband (my boss) during a summer job and fell in love with him. When I met him he came off as a very rich and cultured man. Even though I did come from a rich family, i strongly appreciated the value of money and constantly questioned him on his spending habits. However, I was always told never ask the price, just buy it. Thinking that he was financially secure he asked me not to work after graduation; so i spent my time volunteer tutoring inner city kids.

we got married a while later and omg that is when i found out about the financial holes. it has been 2 years and he is 50K in debt. We went through a similar thing last year and he promised me he would stop and have better financial management so for a few months we did not go out, eat out or do anything.

Now a year later, he forced me to move from a major metropolitan city to a small town with no life so he could save money. He makes over 10k a month but it is all going to debts and loans.

I am a highly educated person but cant find a job here so i got a minimum wage job so i can at least pay off my student loans. But what do you know? he had collection agencies after him and he even took my savings and i had to tell loan people that i am getting a divorce and i am broke.

We keep fighting and i am getting sick of this. He promised he would solve this. When he convinced me to come to this small town he promised i can go and visit my family every other week, now it has been 4 months and he cant even afford to take me to the movies. 

I can't go home for christmas. I'm working a minimum wage job and his darn debts never seem to end. he has exhausted all of his financial means. 

I do want to go to my family but my siblings have all got a life of their own and i can't become a bother to them and my mother is on a business trip abroad and she is physically disabled so i can't stress her anymore.

He has taken all my money, happiness, freedom, friends and life. I am so depressed i don't know what to do.

It is sooo cold in this northern Canadian city and i have never been exposed to this kind of cold. I have no money, no friends, no family and I don't know what to do. I do love him but now i wonder if i really do.

what should i do?


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## angcakes35 (Dec 3, 2009)

Hi,

I am new to this as well but I know where you are coming from in a round about way. My husband has the worst credit history in the world and we get collection letters as well.. It sucks.. 

BUT my advice is to go to your family, not for the financial support because I understand you dont want to add to their woes, but for emotional support. When it comes down to it, our family and close friends are the ones who give us the best advice and get us through all the rough times. I have gone to mine quite a bit lately..


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## theresagail (Dec 3, 2009)

1st off you should not have your $$ mingled in with his- you need to get your own savings and checking IN YOUR NAME ONLY. Start saving Up-- I would not go running home to your family-- this is your issue not there's you can fix this- but you will need to stay put for a bit-- the $$ that was taken from you,tell him that you want that money back ASAP per it was your money not his, ANd start to Save Save Save if you have any debt in your name PAY it off if you both have Credit cards togethor close them out and get them paid - Tell him you need to take control of the bills and all of the money because things have gotten so outta hand etc.. Time to have a talk with him.


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## skippyizz (Sep 5, 2010)

I can say I can understand your situation. A month after my husband and I got married I found out about his debt and many lies that he had told me. I freaked out and considered leaving then. I took over the finances. As much as he would let me. I kept my part time job and took all the extra hours I could. (Jobs aren't obviously of abundance anywhere right now). I can say two years later. We have the same problems and I ended up having more stress than I could handle. I turned to my family because especially my mom is my best friend. Even maybe talking to a councelor might help you work through some of what your going through. Some men just don't understand responsibility my husband is one of them. Stay strong, and if you can keep your money seperate and don't tell him you have money saved. He'll just want it to spend or pay off debt of what he's already spent.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I feel very bad for you. Sometimes men lie about their financial situations so we would marry them. It is selfish of them. They know if they tell us the truth, we would run away. I do think we would run away. Is tricking us into an unhappy and unstable marriage really good for them. Maybe for them, it is yes. But for us, it is no. I had been in a similar situation. That was with my ex. I knew that he didn't have much money, but he didn't tell me his real situation. After we got married, he told me that he was in debt(about 30,000 US dollars), and he wanted to quit his job. My happy dream of having a care free life suddenly crashed. But what could I do? I couldn't run away from the marriage. I could only sit down with him and plead him not to quit his job until we paid off the debt. He listened. He worked there for another year, and paid off his debt. Then he quit his job, and stayed at home for half a year. I was pregnant at that time. He was not in a hurry looking for a job. We had little money. Finally I packed my suitcase and told him if he didn't go out looking for a job, I would go home. He found a job in a week. He had to work in a different city. I gave birth to my son without a man nearby. To this day I don't want to have another child again. 
I left him five years later, because of many reasons. He didn't want me to leave. He said my leaving was like cutting a piece of meat off his body. But there was no passion and feeling left. I was unhappy, extremely unhappy. I don't blame him. I blame myself for making the decision to marry him without much thinking. We make mistakes. We make many mistakes in our lives. But make sure that we don't make the same kind of mistake twice. I left, I left everything to him(actually he took everything). He has my son, too. In Taiwan, it is impossible for a mainland Chinese woman to fight for a son's custody. 
I divorced. I remarried. My husband is from Canada. Now I am really a happy married woman. 

I am not trying to encourage you to get a divorce. But if you are really unhappy in this marriage, you have to cut your pain to the least amount. He lied to you first. He wasn't an honorable man. 
Wish you all the good luck.


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## sweet_kyla10 (Jul 13, 2010)

You better go to your family. Since you are very depressed right now, you really need to have comfort. And only your family can give it to you!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Go to your family. Not necessarily for financial help, but for the emotional support they can give you. I've never understood people who hide things like this, as if they think they'll never get found out. 

My boyfriend has a considerable amount of debt, but he's always been honest with me about it. Part of that is due to the fact that I handle the actual paying of the bills, but even before we reached that point, he was always truthful with me that he had debt and how much it was. If he hadn't told me, I would have asked around the time we began discussing moving in together. 

Depending on his debt, you might be able to find a debt consolidation program that can help, or get him some credit counseling. Because of the way he takes your money and all, I would not share accounts with him anymore. It's pretty clear he has no self control financially, so I think it would be a bad idea to give him full access to your money. Plus, by having your own separate account(s), it will give you greater ability to leave if/when you should decide that you need to leave.


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## Divorce to be (Sep 15, 2010)

I have noticed a lot of 1 post members on here. Do people just post their said stories and leave..... only using this forum as a place to vent? 

How many active members are actually on this site?


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## Konrad Knox (Apr 5, 2011)

This thread has many misleading advices and should serve as a good lesson to all who read this and think about doing similar things.

I have no advice for the original poster, your life is pretty much screwed at this point. Swallow your grief and make room for others on the planet. But posting your story, you reveal several BIG BLINKING RED LIGHTS:

1. First sentence is an alarm right off the bat:
"I was in last year university studying sciences. I was taking student loans to pay for my school because i wanted to be independent"

Being independent is a big illusion and is a stupid reason to do anything. Independence does not exist as we live in a civilized society, so unless you literally plan to go off the grid, live in a forest, harvest wind energy, chop wood for heat and pump your own well water - you will NOT be independent. All you young girls should get that through your thick skulls. Stay with your families and finish your education before you rush to play adult.

Secondly, you never mention your profession. What sciences did you study? Stay away from useless "sciences" like psychology, sociology, astronomy, english, literature. Stuff you can do on your own. If your goal is wealth - choose what pays, an education that will actually give you a hands on skill that others don't have. For employers, it doesn't matter how many books you read and what grades you got, it only matters what you can do, what skills you carried out.

2. The whole deal with your husband?? Just puts me into stupor. Dear ladies, when you are about to marry someone, do demand to know the exact state of their bank account. You're going to be sharing money for the rest of your life.
No, I am NOT saying keep separate accounts, that is a bad advice. Accounts should be shared and managed in trust between the partners, but for God's sake, know what you're getting into first.

It is absolutely mind numbing to me how a woman can agree to marry someone if he just says "don't ask price, just buy". If you never asked what he did for a living, and never got him to reveal his finances, you should have not even thought about marriage. Sounds like you were one of those sucker girls who believed in a dream about a magical prince, and ended up being made a tool of.

You wanted to be independent, but agreed to not work?
Something's not adding up here, miss. So you wanted both respect, and not having to worry about anything. Well, I'm sorry, girls, responsibility balances benefits on very tight scales in this world, nothing is free, so if you want sugar, you better plant cane. Yes, that is true even for women, surprise.

3. You married your boss? Sounds like you are just way too easy.
Girls, when a guy comes across as a rich and cultured man, check on his sources and ask him some follow up questions, instead of just listening all charmed-like and letting him whisper sweet nothings to get that sweet date. 
When someone asks to marry you, ask to look at their finances first, and secondly, if you're the kind of person who doesn't like to make life plans, ask what his life plan is first before saying "I do".

Sorry to come across harsh, but the reality of this life is: the planet is getting already overpopulated, so there will definitely and inescapably be more of such economic casualties, eventually it will get so bad that people will start dying off from lack of food and space and money. My best advice is - just make sure you aren't on the short edge of the stick, and it's others, not you - who will have to die off.

Survival of the fittest is a natural law nobody cancelled yet.
For a woman - being fittest means being smart, and survival means steering carefully in choice of partners.
Independent and strong - that's a sucker trap for stupid women who got their heads messed with during the emancipation in U.S.
A good set of qualities for a woman - is not to be independent, it's to be inquisitive and adaptive.

It's right there on the table for you, you are already naturally curious. Inquisitive, inquisitive, inquisitive. If something sounds like it's too good to be true, it probably is - inquisite it!

Why do you bother trying to be men? Rushing to move out of the house and start a life... Let it come to you and choose with caution.


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## carol (Mar 8, 2011)

You should:
1. No point in blaming anybody for your predicament. It is what it is. Now, how do you fix it? 
2. You both need to take ownership for your situation and you need to work together to clear both your debts. You need to make a budget and stick with it. That is the only way to know where you are and where you are going. You need to discuss what are "needs" vs "wants". 
3. You are responsible for finding some friends. Hopefully you can find some at work. Having friends will ease the strain on your marriage as you probably rely on your husband for all your companionship. You need to have your own life. 
4. Miss your family? How about Skype or something similar?


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

This is a clear case of irresponsibility. He has proven himself to be irresponsible. I would separate your accounts and not put his name on them. Granted it is a token gesture because he makes so much more but the discussion of irresponsiblity is an important one. His is to his family and your future together. He is damaging it and so you must do what is responsible for the family. Even if you are the only member. You can't make somebody be something they are not. If he will not become more responsible then you have more decisions to make. The important thing is to protect yourself and the family. You don't have to be mad about it. You just have to be smart. You can still love him and vise versa. If he gets angry about you trying to protect yourself and your credit then the problem is not his irresponsibility. It is a lack of respect for your your status within the relationship and you are working against each other instead of together. You are supposed to be on the same team. There is enough crap going on our there in the world. Your home is supposed to be a place to be safe from all of that crap.


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