# The spark is gone



## alliexoxo (Mar 12, 2018)

We had spark in the early years (when we were teens) but the arguing and distance seems to get worse as we get older. All we do is argue. I can never do anything right. I have done some very bad things to him (not cheating) and he has cheated on me once.we almost divorced at that time but decided to keep chugging along in this marriage. I fell apart when we were divorcing (didn’t end up going through with it). I ended up in the psych ward. I don’t want to go through that again. The thought of being alone scares me so bad. I’ve been with him since I was 15 years old. I’m 31 now. and I cannot imagine an adult life without him in it. But I’m about ready to give up. I don’t know if I will fall apart again though. I feel like I will be better this time but the only thing going to answer that question is trying it. Do I stay in a marriage that’s nothing but arguing for the sake of not wanting to be alone? Is that stupid? 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not stupid. It's important to evaluate where you are at and what to do next. Some further info would help.

Do you have children?
Do both of you work?
Have you two ever done any marriage counseling?
Is there any physical violence or abuse in your relationship?

If you both want to restructure your relationship and are willing to work on it, it's completely possible turn it into a happy, passionate marriage. A lot of people don't know how to maintain a good relationship. There are two books that I'm hoping will help you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. The idea is to first identify the love busters each of you are doing and stop them. Then after that, you identify your needs and you both work to meet each other's needs. Doing this should help you have a better idea of how to talk to your husband and hopefully get him on board to work on your marriage. Then the two of you read the books together and do the work together.


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## alliexoxo (Mar 12, 2018)

We have two boys age 2 and 4 who are our world. I’ve been a sahm but I just got a job and I start Monday. I’m hoping me having a job will stop the financial stress we have and help our marriage. He won’t go to marriage counseling. I have hit him a few times over the years but none lately (in the last 2-3 years). He has never hit me. Thank you! I will look into the books you recommended.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not all that unusual for people to not want to go to counseling. But that's not the end of the world. Sadly, marriage counseling does not always help. I often find that a good self-help book has helped me more than counseling. 

You have hit him? Do you have an anger problem? What has happened that has led to you not hitting him in the last few years?


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## alliexoxo (Mar 12, 2018)

I have anger issues but I went to counseling (by myself) and also got put on medication and it has helped a lot. I know it’s horrible that I have hit him. I have so many regrets. The hits hurt him more mentally than they did physically.


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