# Husband thinks my depression is stupid



## nightingale (Jun 23, 2010)

I see that there are lots of people on here who are dealing with their depressed spouses so maybe some of you will be able to help me.

I have been with my husband for 10 years and in most respects we are happy and well suited. For all my adult life (and some of my childhood) I have suffered depressive episodes and other mental health problems. When we argue I tend to go crazy. I get violent and then turn on myself. We don't argue often, and not about serious things, but when we do I am totally ruined by it. Last time we fought he found out that I hurt myself (I don't know how he didn't notice before but I keep it hidden well I guess) and said that I was stupid and crazy and he couldn't trust me to make decisions any more.

I have had depression for a long time and I have always kind of dealt with it. I hold down a job and things. But my husband is now saying that I am retarded for being so emotional all the time. I know that my behaviour is wrong (the violence) but sometimes the reasons I get angry are real, he has been mean or something. I said that I want to see a relationship counsellor with him to try and stop us arguing in such a destructive way. He said no. That the problems were all mine and that he didn't have to change. He also said that if I knew what was wrong with myself then I should be able to sort it out and that I am just being emo and childish.

I love him very much but I also want to be mentally healthy. Arguing with him makes my depression worse and he is unwilling to help me except on his terms. Can I realistically carry on a realtionship with someone who doesn't believe my mental health problems and makes them worse by not caring? Will it be possible to work towards recovery with him being so antagonistic? (I am on SSRIs and CBT at the moment and looking for other therapies as well)

Any ideas welcome (even if you want to tell me he's right and that I should just suck it up).


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. If is very difficult to maintain your emotional health when you are living in an invalidating environment, which is exactly what your husband creating in your life.

You can't change him. Can you get and stay healthy despite him? Perhaps. That's not for me to judge, but I know it's much more difficult and that having supportive family members make recovery efforts much easier and likely to "stick".

Please don't hurt yourself anymore. I know that you feel better when you self-injure, I totally get that, but please do your best to refrain from that.

Look for a counselor that prescribes to DBT therapy, it is EXCELLENT and will help you learn how to not only manage your own challenges, but how to cope with others around you in regard to setting boundaries to have your needs met and learning how to work around arguments that may lead to an increase in your symptoms or self injury. Here is a site for you to check out and offers self help tools as well - DBT Self Help


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Sometimes it’s very hard for someone who does not have firsthand experience with a mental health problem (directly or via knowing someone who does) to comprehend them. That is not an excuse, just the way it is sometimes. He thinks that because he is able to keep from harming himself that everyone should be able to. Well it’s not that easy. I agree with HappyHer that having a support network is important to your success. Only you can decide if the situation will hinder your progress.

You can help your husband get educated on the subject. Check out the book Talking to Depression by Martha Manning. It’s for family members of someone who is depressed and could be very helpful in the ways of getting him to understand what you go through. 

On the subject of your CBT, you are currently working with a therapist? If your H won’t go into relationship counseling can you bring him along to one of your CBT appointments? Maybe sitting in on that will help him to understand as well.


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## nevergivingup (Jun 23, 2010)

I know what you mean.. My husband would say things like that to me too.. years ago, when we were teenagers, and his excuse was pretty much that it's tough love, and if i didn't want him to hurt my feelings by saying those things, then I would stop... I tried to help him understand, and he refuses... and says, if I didn't want to be this way, then I could change it... for some people it's not that easy.. almost 9 years later, it's still a problem. I'm sorry you're going through all of this... I think you're on the right track trying to find help, I'd focus on that more than trying to make him understand, I assume once someone is fed up with a situation (the violence/cutting - not your relationship) that they stop listening... and trying to understand. Just don't stop taking care of YOU.


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## nightingale (Jun 23, 2010)

Thank you so much for your responses. To be honest I feel better already just by knowing that other people are going through and have gone through a similar thing with their spouses. I am not unusual or weird.

*HappyHer* thank you for the advice, when I am able to focus more I will read about DBT. I have supportive parent although they don't live close. I think perhaps if I remember that they are part of my support network (and use them for this) and not just my husband I can get better even if he isn't helpful.

*Wants Happiness* It is a great idea to educate my husband a little more. If I give him some books about depression in general (ie not about me specifically) I think that might make it easier for him to accept. Not sure about the coming with me plan but may think about it again later down the line.

*nevergivingup* I'm sorry that you're going through difficulties too. I am reassuring myself that my husband does love me very much it is just this one part of me that he doesn't like or understand (ok quite a big part sometimes). I hope that if I develop the skills to help myself, and have other people than him to turn to sometimes, things may turn out ok (for both of us).

Again, thanks all for your kind thoughts. I was more depressed when I wrote the first post. Today I wonder why I ever hurt my husband or myself; it seems strange and distant. But I have to remember that I _do_ feel and behave that way a lot of the time. It's very confusing and I find it hard to get it strait in my head. But at least now I have a few ideas to try out and feel less hopeless.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome dear. Yes, please check out the DBT when you get the chance, it's very easy to understand and you can begin to apply it immediately. It will work quite well with other forms of counseling also.

Instead of trying to "get it straight in your head" work on gaining tools so that when you start to get into that space where you are likely to self-injure or hurt others that you can recognize you are being triggered and do something to divert yourself to healthier choices.

Oh, and keep posting. Let us know about your progress and how things are going for you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It can be hard to see your partner suffer from mental problems, whether you've dealt with them yourself or not. I myself have suffered from severe depression more than once over the years, and even so, when I found out my boyfriend also had that problem coupled with another one or two, it was difficult for me not to simply dismiss it out of hand. He puts up a good front, as do I. It makes it hard for people to know that you have a serious problem and need support. 

In a way, it somewhat sounds as though he is doing the same thing: you put up a good front by going to work, etc. and so he finds it hard to think that you might actually be sad and hurting. But...he goes beyond just wanting to dismiss it. He's trying to completely ignore it and make you feel bad for even thinking you have a problem. 

I do think you getting help is a good thing, and even if he won't help you get the help you need, do it anyway, however you think you need to go about it: therapy, meds, whatever. 

Whether or not you can get healthy while being with him...I don't know. I know that if he doesn't take you seriously, that will have a massive effect on your relationship. You need his support. You need his love, and to know that he is there for you, believing in you and willing to do whatever he can to help you. If you're not getting that from him, you will resent him and eventually you will get fed up. And, if you do get healthy again, keep in mind that if his treatment of you is merely a symptom of something much worse, say that this is an unhealthy relationship, you may realize that and decide you are better off without him anyway. 

I would say just start with getting the help you need to take care of you right now, and then just take it one step at a time after that. Good luck!


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## nightingale (Jun 23, 2010)

I know it has only been a short time but things aren’t improving and I’m feeling sad about that.

Yesterday I was depressed. I started crying in the morning when I got out of the shower. My husband didn’t ask how I was or even talk to me beyond saying to remember to close the windows when I left for work. On his return home after he found out I’d come home from work early he just shouted had I been playing computer games all afternoon (I was napping when he got home).

When I got to work that morning my manager noticed I was upset and asked me how things were going. A colleague who is also on medication asked how mine was going and we discussed doseage. Later I had been crying most of the morning, though working too, I decided that I should go home as I was so drained and low. My manager was in a meeting so I went to find another to give me permission. In her office a colleague noticed I was upset and asked if I needed a chat and she put her hand on my shoulder. Another colleague came to check up on me before I left.

Why can those five people offer me support and compassion when my husband cannot? When they don’t know the extent of my pain like he does, only that I have mental health issues in the abstract. These people are not even friends in the real sense, I don’t have relationships with them outside the workplace, but they knew I was hurting and tried to help. Not even ‘help’ always but showed concern. My husband did not and this makes me extremely unhappy. I know I must be difficult to live with and he has stresses of his own but if my colleague (who is currently worried she may be made redundant) can find two minutes to chat to me about my feelings then he certainly should be able to.

I have been trying the strategies discussed earlier. Focusing on things that ARE helping me get better, making use of other people than my husband as a support network (my mother was great yesterday when I called her). But he is still a problem. Making me sadder and lonelier.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Simply put, it's because your husband doesn't want to face your illness. Not because he doesn't love you, but perhaps it scares him. Asking you "How are you?" would feel caring and supportive to you, but he is hoping that you are well, so instead of asking, he tries to assume you are okay, for his own peace of mind.

So, what can you do to feel he is supportive, while at the same time realize that he may have issues that inhibit him from showing full support to you?

It's easier for the others to show support and caring - they don't live with you and your life is not as intricately tied to them.

Can you talk to him and say "I like it when you ask me how I am doing, or say hello to me so I can see that you are happy you are with me." Leave it at that. Chances are he will at least attempt some sort of effort, even if it's subtle, but he'll do it in his way. Show gratitude for it even if it's not quite what you are hoping for with the hope that it will continue and grow.


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## nightingale (Jun 23, 2010)

Happyher

Thank you that makes a lot of sense. I'll try and talk to him in that way.


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