# Forgiveness and R?



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I know it hasn't been that long since my D day, night of 4-1-12 ( yea, nice date huh?). My husband is doing everything that he should be, he's given up drinking, porn, and finally looking at other women. We're doing counseling. He's been giving me tons of compliments and attention and trying to make me feel like I'm the only one in the world and some days are good, but some days I wonder if I can keep doing this. I wonder how he could ever do this to me, I try to remind myself that things are changing. How he is today... I couldn't ask for a better husband 97% of the time, and I understand he's working on changing and he's made great progress, I don't doubt that with more time it will be 100% of the time. 

Is this just healing or am I just treading water waiting for my boat to sink? Some days I just think it'd be so much easier to start over than to carry this emotional baggage, but yet I can't seem to check it all at the counter. I know that no one can give me an answer, but I'd love to hear other stories...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It's way too soon for you to expect to be able to just move forward. I'm afraid you can expect to the be on this roller coaster of emotions for quite a while yet.

You will keep changing your mind about what you want, and whether you want to reconcile or not. It's part of the process. Don't be so hard on yourself.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm ten months out and still question myself everyday if I can do this. Just two nights ago I had a dream I told him I was going to file for a divorce. My indecision is even in my dreams. He brought me flowers yesterday, holds my hand, hugs and kisses me... Yet, I think - he cheated and lied. It's hard not to question yourself.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

My wife talked to another man for 1 1/2 weeks and ended it (according to her) immediately. Totally transparent and regretful but I am still dying inside 9 mths from DD. This is worse than losing a loved one because it hurts and keeps on giving hurt. Extremely hard for my wife and I and we love each other VERY much. She can't do more. I'm still unsure myself. I'm going to hang in there with consouling as that is freaking MANDITORY in my opinion. My wife and are are very educated and speak all night sometimes and we HAD to have this help.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Phew... I just... sometimes I'll have a couple good days in a row then wham I'm crying myself to sleep the next and moping around all day trying to get my brain straight. 

Our counselor said that we're making superb progress on things both individually and together, he said that he's very impressed and has talked about reducing our MC time to once every other week because we're doing really well and he doesn't know if there is a lot more we can do there at this time. It's just tough, it can be the strangest times and you just feel like shutting down. Like this morning I was going into town to do errands and I just got there and felt like curling up in my car and just bawling... It's always the same question... how could you do this to me. I know there is no real answer, it's not even a real question...

One day at a time, I'm glad I'm not alone, the rollercoaster is much better that it was, but still it's hard.

Thanks for the input!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I think all of us have asked over and over how could you do this to me? Really, we can't understand it and they can't give an answer. It's a question that leads nowhere, yet is constantly thought.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I totally get it Riven. My Dday was 3/6. Most horrendous f'ng day of my life. My own mother dying has nothing on that god forsaken day. Reconciliation is tough. Tougher than any boot camp, flight training or near death experience I've ever had. 

Day by day. Bit by bit. Some days ARE awesome and the next can be dark. I can say the most loving things and an hour later my voice might be described as Mephistopheles himself.

And ya know what? That's okay. It. Just. Is.


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

Riven,
Its been almost 2 years from the day I found out that my husband of almost 11 years at that time (13 years now) had been cheating on me since we married. I still struggle daily with how much more of this lie can I live. He is doing the same things, counseling, calling me or texting me that he loves me, wanting to ALWAYS be around me, compliments, gifts but I to still feel that he's doing it because he is cheating again. I can't help but feel that sometimes maybe I'm making this harder for myself, maybe I am blowing this all out of proportion but then I remember that for almost 11 years he was sleeping with any woman that looked in his general direction. My therapist said there is no time limit to healing and that we all have to deal with it in our own way. I hope you find what you need to move on and do what makes you happy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If the WS is doing everything right, it can still take years to heal. It's 2 years and a bit for us, and I am getting to a place of peace now, in the last couple months. I still trigger, but we know how to handle it together now. I have posted several times about how I know he has really changed.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

You want stories? 

I tried R for over a year. On the surface, my cheating husband was doing the right things. He wrote a no contact letter, did therapy, was operatically remorseful, spent more time with me. 

It was death by inches. And I didn't trust him and knew deep down, as hard as I was trying, I could never love him unreservedly again.

I was right not to. He just took his affair underground and continued to cheat. He's still cheating (I found a profile on him at cheaterville). 

So I divorced (he didn't want a divorce, made it very difficult). 

It's 6 years since my DDay, and I've been happily remarried for 2 years, to a great guy who loves me right. The pain of infidelity is distant and faint and I write a blog to help other people navigate out of it. I honestly don't think I would've healed if I had stayed married -- even if he quit cheating. Living with him would be living with that pain of what he is capable of -- betrayal. I have NEVER regretted my decision to divorce. It was like a huge weight lifted off of me. Although I felt a tremendous amount of guilt while I was with him (he accused me of being a "quitter." Rich, coming from a cheater, huh?) 

When I left, I didn't know how my future would turn out. I was happy single and alone, and I'm even happier partnered up with my husband (also a betrayed spouse).

Don't settle. That's my advice to you. Figure out what your values are, what you demand in a relationship, how you want to be treated. And see if he can sustain his good behavior. Is he sincere, or is he trying to avoid consequences?

If the cheater is really sorry, they will stay sorry and do the hard work regardless of what you do. If his apologies are contingent upon you not divorcing him, I'd be suspect.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

I needed this thread, I hate this rollercoaster and just want to jump off. I can identify with everything and everyone here. Finding out that my husband had this affair was the most horrible worst day of my life. One minute, i am feeling that i love him and that he is trying so hard to make it up to me. But can he ever make it up to me. I have learned here that it takes alot of time and we are both in counseling. I just feel like life will never be the same again.


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

serenity 02030 said:


> I just feel like life will never be the same again.



I feel the EXACT same...life will never be the same again with him! The trust and the love is GONE!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Riven said:


> I know it hasn't been that long since my D day, night of 4-1-12 ( yea, nice date huh?). My husband is doing everything that he should be, he's given up drinking, porn, and finally looking at other women. We're doing counseling. He's been giving me tons of compliments and attention and trying to make me feel like I'm the only one in the world and some days are good, but some days I wonder if I can keep doing this. I wonder how he could ever do this to me, I try to remind myself that things are changing. How he is today... I couldn't ask for a better husband 97% of the time, and I understand he's working on changing and he's made great progress, I don't doubt that with more time it will be 100% of the time.
> 
> Is this just healing or am I just treading water waiting for my boat to sink? Some days I just think it'd be so much easier to start over than to carry this emotional baggage, but yet I can't seem to check it all at the counter. I know that no one can give me an answer, but I'd love to hear other stories...


Well your spouse seems to be remorseful, so I guess it depends on how much you can take. 

Did you do a poly?

Tracker?

Are you sure he has not taken the affair underground or still doing abusive things such as lap dances and other sex addictions type of behavior. 

If you are sure he is behaving than it's up to you. 

For my part, my STBEH is not doing the hard work. He was still addicted to other woman in the form of men's clubs and lap dances. 

It was humiliating, painful, confusing sad and my ability to trust him or myself was flushed down the toilet. 

I ask the same question as you over and over: How could he hurt me, how could he risk our marriage over a happy ending with strangers. 

I know what he is capable of now and it makes me feel UNspecial, second best, like a leftover, scared, afraid he will do it again, despite promises not too and very lonely. 

Why stayed married to someone who makes me feel lonely and sad and depressed and distrustful. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if ever younger woman he looks at he wants to screw. 

Also there are so many woman out there married and otherwise who are eager to have affairs and the temptation is everywhere.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Dig, I couldn't have put it better myself.

I am sure my husband is not doing stuff unless he's doing it while at work, which is unlikely as I call him at anytime I want and can stop by anytime I want. He literally is home all of the time. He went from a job where he was away from home 8 days straight, got really drunk at the bar, most of the night is a black out, but he clearly remembers some parts, like waking up next to a woman not knowing exactly what happened but knowing he destroyed his life. It was a ONS, he didn't even know her name, so I'm not worried about him continuing the affair. We've even tried to find her for medical reasons ( STD's and such ) and can't, the bartender didn't know her, the bar owners didn't know her...

He turned over his laptop to me and I have trackers on all of the computers in the house, he doesn't have a smart phone, and I occasional get into a "frenzy" sure there is porn in the house and will literally strip it down, even his car, his tool house, I'll basically tear things apart to find nothing. When I then feel like a fool he'll say it's okay, he understands why I did it and helps me get everything back to where it belongs.

Some days I'm just thinking I don't know how I can even love him, and the next I think I'd just die if he left, just like Dig said... Some nights I couldn't get closer to him in the bed, then later that night I could sleeping on the couch because his breathing sets me off. I'm a horrible sleeper, I wake up very easily, and I sleep usually about 5 hours a night unless I take Ambien, which I'm trying to get off of taking because it's starting to mess with my thinking.

Phew, anyway! It's SO night to hear that I'm not alone. Oaks, my husband will stay in the fog about stuff for a while, like you said they have to do it. He would google at women when we were out, and he didn't get that it hurt me. I'd feel invisible, like he was shopping for a replacement. It took nights of me crying and sleeping on the couch for it to click for him that he needed to change it. He realized it was dumb, he didn't want to leave the marriage, these women weren't important to him...

It's just really good to feel not alone...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It isn't easy. No. Not easy. But it can be done.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yeah, you're so not alone. And that is a sad fact for a lot of us.

You're not crazy and while you may sometimes feel like a "fool" for looking at everything in a hypervigilant state, it is good that your husband understands. My wife, Regret here on the forums, says the same after one of my spazz-outs.

It comes. It goes. It goes a little longer. Then it comes again.

Soon. One day soon...it will go away for a long time and won't resurface for quite a while. And when it does, we'll be ready to deal with it with truth and honesty. Something that hasn't been around these parts for quite some time.

Good luck, Riven. This isn't even the Road Less Traveled. Its the Road We're Hacking Down With a Machete.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Life will never be the same, but I'm willing to try to work things out. Some days I want to smack him upside the head and yell why.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Well count me in. Riven, I think you've echoed the feeling of many of us here. Working on R, or just in limbo, but all certainly on the rollercoaster.

For what it's worth, I've just gone 2 years post Dday. My CW finally reached a point in the last 6 months where she was pretty much perfect. Pleasant to be with. Couldn't ask much more. But there was still something missing.

I still know she was dishonest. Only subtle things, but dishonest. I want to know all. I'd bet nearly anything that it's the same for most, nearly all of us. If they think you'll never find out, it's almost certain they're not going to freely tell you.

Secondly, for me, how could you truly love someone (your CS) again after a lengthy affair? I tried and couldn't. 

So for me, R is not a realistic solution. I've had a difficult last 2 weeks with my CW. I don't want to hijack so I'll start a new thread as it progresses.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm awake at 4 AM so I get the not being able to sleep. My WS's breathing also sets me off. I start feeling intense anxiety just laying beside him. I have to fight the urge not to yell at him and I end up on the sofa almost every night.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

serenity 02030 said:


> I needed this thread, I hate this rollercoaster and just want to jump off. I can identify with everything and everyone here. Finding out that my husband had this affair was the most horrible worst day of my life. One minute, i am feeling that i love him and that he is trying so hard to make it up to me. But can he ever make it up to me. I have learned here that it takes alot of time and we are both in counseling. I just feel like life will never be the same again.


:iagree: Could have written this word for word myself. Hope it is of some comfort to know that you ar not alone in how you feel - I know it definately helps me. Thanks x


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I'm awake at 4 AM so I get the not being able to sleep. My WS's breathing also sets me off. I start feeling intense anxiety just laying beside him. I have to fight the urge not to yell at him and I end up on the sofa almost every night.


I remember feeling like this too, watching my WS sleep and hating him so very intensely; and hey, don't get me wrong, it still happens but now after six months it is less often, less painful and less deistressing when it does hit me.

My WS is very understanding and slept in our spare room when I struggled - do you have any option of this at all? I simply explained how difficult it was for me and that I needed some space but I also was clear that I was still commited to working on our marriage too. 

Things do get easier but not quickly in my experince; you need to therefore work out the best way to get through while it is so cr*p. Tell him how you are feeling. Write your feelings down and show him, this can demonstrate much more than shouting or getting angry.

Look after yourself here, sleep is vital, lack of it makes our tough lives even tougher.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Riven said:


> Dig, I couldn't have put it better myself.
> 
> I am sure my husband is not doing stuff unless he's doing it while at work, which is unlikely as I call him at anytime I want and can stop by anytime I want. He literally is home all of the time. He went from a job where he was away from home 8 days straight, got really drunk at the bar, most of the night is a black out, but he clearly remembers some parts, like waking up next to a woman not knowing exactly what happened but knowing he destroyed his life. It was a ONS, he didn't even know her name, so I'm not worried about him continuing the affair. We've even tried to find her for medical reasons ( STD's and such ) and can't, the bartender didn't know her, the bar owners didn't know her...
> 
> ...


IMO, the roller coaster is normal. 

But, IMO, he is doing the handwork and you need to stick it out until you truly decide either way.


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