# Wife Won't Let Herself Orgasm



## justincase (Jan 11, 2012)

We've been together 8 years, married 6. The sex has been great. We both initiate. The one thing that bothers me is that she stops herself when she starts to climax. We have discussed the issue. She says that she doesn't want to feel out of control. I admit, I don't understand. Can anyone offer some insight?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi justincase ~

Ah well - it's likely just exactly as she says.

Some people have a very hard time with intimacy - with freeing themselves to let go. They worry about what their spouse will think, they worry about what they will think of themselves. They feel very vulnerable being at that point and push away from it - never knowing that that vulnerability is something that rather than making them weak can make them strong - can tie and bind them and their spouse together and can make them feel empowered, both as an individual and as a couple.

All you can do is encourage and support her. She is the one who will have to be willing to take the step out on her own - perhaps with you holding her hand or giving her a little prod or being there to catch her and hold her if she falls down. 

Best wishes.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She does not feel safe enough with you.
Are you very nice and understanding with her? That actually limits her feeling of safety.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

How old is she? I was exactly like that when I was very young. I was just discovering myself and all that sex could be. It took me until the age of 23ish to actually teach myself how to have great sex, and really allow myself to let go and enjoy. But I felt the same way. Didn't want to lose control.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Be patient with her, and keep trying to encourage her to let go. Have you tried a warm bath and massage before sex to relax her? Tell her that you want her to experience pleasure like she provides for you. The most important sexual organ is the brain, so she needs to have a receptive attitude toward sex.


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## justincase (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank you all for the responses.

Enchantment, thank you. That was insightful.

Hicks: I agree that she does not feel safe enough with me. In general, I am very understanding with her. I have treated her especially gingerly regarding this issue. I have only brought it up twice since we have been together and didn't make a big deal of it either time.

CandieGirl, she is 36.

lovesherman, I have tried baths, massages, and other things besides. 

She is not at all uptight during sex, except for this climaxing issue. I have only pushed once during sex, about a month ago, when she started to climax and then began her normal response of shifting her body, changing her breathing and basically trying to prevent the orgasm. When she started to avoid the orgasm, I asked her to trust me. She did relax and I'm not sure if she orgasmed or not, but there were tears in her eyes and she was especially close and clingy to me afterward.

She has not been supported well by loved ones in the past. Her parents basically abandoned her and her first husband nearly killed her. I do my best to make her feel safe in lots of ways.

This isn't that big of a deal for me (I don't take it personally), but any way that we can get closer I'd like to work toward. We are very close emotionally and I would like to keep growing our relationship.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You say this is not a big deal. But, I think it is a big deal to you. Think about this in terms of what does this mean for your marriage. Your wife is not giving 100% to you and her marriage. Don't you think that a marriage involves you giving 100% as well as your wife giving 100% ? You have to decide what you believe a marriage is.

Any conversation you have with her should not be turned into a discussion about your sexual gratification, but rather what does it mean to be a wife or a husband in your particular marriage.

Is it acceptable to you that a prior husband's behavior or her parents is allowed to define your marriage?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I don't think it issue of stopping herself orgasming rather one that she just can't even if she is trying, have you ever yourself tried to stop, once it starts it isn't stopping for nothing male or female and why would anyone want to.

Does she orgasm on her own at all or do you even know?


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## justincase (Jan 11, 2012)

Hicks, I suppose that I never considered this as a marriage issue. There are definitely things that I expect from her. This is not one of them. As far as I'm concerned, this is not a factor in her contribution toward our marriage.

I've never framed this in terms of my sexual gratification. In fact, I don't even think of it in those terms.

We all bring our own baggage with us when we enter into our marriage. Some things can be fixed and some things can only be managed. The sexual part of it is not what got me to post here -- it was her emotional reaction. Neither she nor I can do anything to change our pasts, so whether or not I accept it, it's there. What matters now is what she can do about it so that it will not negatively impact her own life, our marriage and our family. I image that this is but one symptom.

cloudwithleggs, she actually stops herself. It's a dramatic reaction. As far as what she does on her own, she claims not to masturbate.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, you can't make someone go 'over the edge' if they are well and truly unwilling to. And making it a big deal often has the opposite effect - ensuring that it becomes forever elusive as the anxiety that it creates makes it run and hide from you. 

But, this is something that SHE will need to learn to grow into and she will need to learn to be more vulnerable.

Your job is to remain supportive - create a trusting, respectful environment, but continuing to 'push' the envelope just a wee bit as time goes on so that you two can continue to grow together in your sexuality and not stagnate.

If she is ever willing to explore more, there's a good site (http://www.giveheranorgasm.com/) that you can do together.

Best wishes.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

justincase said:


> Hicks: I agree that she does not feel safe enough with me.
> 
> ... there were tears in her eyes ...
> 
> She has not been supported well by loved ones in the past. ... I do my best to make her feel safe in lots of ways.


I've had similar experience, and I must agree that patience and letting herself work things out may be the best advice.

My wife can be inhibited regarding orgasm, and took me a couple of years years for her to allow me to pleasure her. The first time she let me help, she had a massive orgasm, but she cried afterwards. She does not like to be touched or snuggle much, and wakes up with a startle if touched, even by accident, while asleep; early on she nearly threw me off the bed. She SUBSTANTIALLY lets her guard down when she's had a couple of glasses of wine. She only drinks on the rare holiday, and I am not going to encourage her to drink to bring down the walls for my pleasure. She didn't have her first orgasm until well into her first marriage, and her second marriage, while more satisfying, ended with horrible pain and deceit. 

There is likely history at play that I can't change, except by offering a trusting, safe environment.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know why she does that but I consider that a travesty.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

justincase said:


> cloudwithleggs, she actually stops herself. It's a dramatic reaction. As far as what she does on her own, she claims not to masturbate.


I think there are some really deep seated emotional issues here that a forum can't help with, what about her going to a sexual counsellor, maybe you joining later when she is comfortable and relaxed more about talking.


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## justincase (Jan 11, 2012)

There are deep emotional issues involved. She has agreed to IC. We will see where that leads. In the meantime, I'll occasionally press gently, but otherwise let it lie. Thank you all for your advice and comments. It's nice to have this forum.


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