# Scared i will cheat



## QuietSoul

Hi all.

Before I divulge, here is my disclaimer why I am posting this here...

1. I posted something related in the "sex in marriage" section and i kept getting the "watch porn and get kinky with your H" advice.

2. I thought about posting in "coping with infidelity", but no infidelity has occurred on either side.

Since before we were married, i had a fear that I would cheat. I cheated on my last partner of four years with a few people, but given. And not to seem like i am making excuses for that, but there were a whole bunch of factors that contributed to that situation that do not apply to my current relationship.

I have been married for 5.5 years. We have been through some pretty difficult challenges, and a real crisis point about 18 months ago which was a big shake up for my H. Since then, we have healed alot and things are the best they have been.

But i have been scared that i would cheat on my husband at some point, because of my history. I use to swear i would never do that and looked down on anyone who did, but when i did, i guess it was humbling and sobering to realise i was just like every other human being. It gave me a healthy fear for my next serious relationship (who was with my now husband), and i am very vigilant about not testing my own abilities, or relying on my own strength, thinking that i will get through and not b tempted. My guy friends are pretty much our mutual friends (mostly couple friends) and a few of his friends, with the exception of one or two male friends i am closer to than him. (Definitely no attraction to either of those lol).

I am kind of rambling here... will cut to the chase.

Today i was at a wedding, and one of the vows was "i will forsake all others", and i am wondering if i truly have forsaken all others. I still find other men attractive, and sometimes catch myself daydreaming in ways i shouldn't be. Then i straight away feel guilty and grieved that i am thinking that way. I love my husband and i am attracted to him, but there is some part of me, which i guess is lust, that sometimes craves the unknown. You know when you met your spouse, the first kiss, the first everything, felt new and kind of foreign and exciting because you weren't familiar and you were just consumed?

The other issue... i have a few...erm..."fetishes" if you will... i am embarrassed and would never tell a real life soul, but i have a thing for a certain race of guys, and a thing for cops... and i also have an obsessive mind which is really unhelpful when i find myself around these types of guys. It doesn't happen all the time in every situation, but when i find someone attractive, or have been feeling generally "horny", it's not a helpful combination. 

I have not told H about this, and i don't intend to, and i would hate to end up in any situation where i would have to explain myself.

I am scared that one day i will be tempted to cheat on him. Despite not going out partying with the girls and getting drunk, my mind can prove a destructive force, and i know my own weakness from before.

What concerns me right now is that i am thinking about men other than my husband. No on in particular, just a "type" of man, in daydreams, and that's followed by desire, and "wishing" that could happen some day, then followed by sadness that it never will because i'm married, then i feel guilty because why should i feel sad about that when i'm married to my husband who i love and who i am attracted to and our marriage is going really well at the moment?

If i told my H this, i think he would feel hurt and insecure, and suspicious of my interactions with or feelings around guys... at this stage, i think that would just be unhelpful and unnecessary, and i don't want to make it necessary by my actions.

So here is a confession... a couple of weeks ago, i had to deal with cops about something, and then i had an unhelpful dream (if you catch my drift), which led to me thinking along those lines, and desiring things i shouldn't, and writing in the "sex in marriage" section, where the advice i got was to get my husband to cuff me in bed... i appreciated the suggestion, but i don't believe the answer is to try to make my husband fulfill lusts that are really nothing to do with him, and i don't think that is necessarily going to reduce my illicit obsession with others...

I have been thinking about my strange attractions and i wanted to understand what causes them, so what did i do? I started googling. Not helpful. And dangerous territory. Of course they eventually led me to dating sites and other forums full of horny singles. I realised that what seemed like me innocently just wanting to understand my own mind was merely cloaking that part of me that wants to explore and encourage the desires i have for others.

I feel like i am crossing some lines here and i don't want this to get out of hand. I have been googling stuff today on my phone and feeling a bit paranoid that my H will see what i am looking up. This is not a good place to be. I know that for me, something can quickly get out of hand. There is no specific person in mind and there is no one (thank God) in my immediate circle that i am drawn to. I don't keep in contact with exes and had them blocked on FB. Then what did i do? This week, i looked up old old crushes (like from high school) to see what they are up to now. 

WHY AM I DOING THIS????? Do I have something wrong with me? Can OCD cause obsessive thinking about stuff? I know i am in dangerous territory.

I want to know, from your point of view and on the subject of long term marriage success, what advice you have on safe boundaries, how to deal with unhelpful/obsessive thoughts (who to talk to, about accountability etc). Do i opt out of Facebook and put internet nanny on? 

I know to the more sexually liberal i may seem as if i am overreacting, but i know what i am like, i know what i was like before and i have learned some hard lessons. I don't want to screw my life up or hurt my husband in that way.

HELP!!!!!!!!


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## Caribbean Man

Hi Quiet Soul,

I think that you are overly worried for nothing. You are only human and the fact is that at time to time , you will find yourself sexually attracted to different people outside of your marriage.
A lot depends on your hormonal levels , emotional state of mind and so on.
I think it's good that you can recognize these things in your life and discuss them with your husband.
What would be even better is discussing proper boundaries in your marriage with him and trusting each other to have each other's back.
Here's a link to a thread dealing with the topic of boundaries:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...other-look-opposite-sex-friends-marriage.html

Dreams and desires are normal and change from time to time. Doesn't automatically mean that you would cheat.
Having open communication about your intimate feelings and desires with your husband ensures that your desires are heard by the right person, and hopefully both of you can work on having your needs and maybe some of these desires fulfilled.

Also,please note that sometimes our sexual "fetishes" / desires are connected to other non sexual things in our lives. Maybe it's time to explore it from that angle and it might help unravel the puzzle.


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## meson

Caribbean Man said:


> Hi Quiet Soul,
> 
> I think that you are overly worried for nothing. You are only human and the fact is that at time to time , you will find yourself sexually attracted to different people outside of your marriage.
> A lot depends on your hormonal levels , emotional state of mind and so on.
> I think it's good that you can recognize these things in your life and discuss them with your husband.
> What would be even better is discussing proper boundaries in your marriage with him and trusting each other to have each other's back.
> Here's a link to a thread dealing with the topic of boundaries:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...other-look-opposite-sex-friends-marriage.html
> 
> Dreams and desires are normal and change from time to time. Doesn't automatically mean that you would cheat.
> Having open communication about your intimate feelings and desires with your husband ensures that your desires are heard by the right person, and hopefully both of you can work on having your needs and maybe some of these desires fulfilled.
> 
> Also,please note that sometimes our sexual "fetishes" / desires are connected to other non sexual things in our lives. Maybe it's time to explore it from that angle and it might help unravel the puzzle.


:iagree:

Cman is right investigate boundaries and transparency and start living with them. Boundaries will help you limit exposure to situations that are risky and transparency will help ensure your husband knows what you are doing, saying and writing to others. This will help keep you in check. 

We are all human and have those feelings from time to time. Looking things up online is a small escalation that you will need to monitor. If you do it more and more you will want it more and more. Keep tabs on your behavior in this regard and limit it so it doesn't get out of control. 

The best defense is a strong offense. You need to ensure your marriage is strong. If you keep your feelings for your husband strong it will overwhelm feelings that may grow from others. You will still have them but they will be less of a draw. Work on your connections with your husband.


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## imtamnew

Oh ok so you lust about others....welcome to the club.


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## Will_Kane

QuietSoul said:


> not to seem like i am making excuses for that, but


You cheat because you choose to. There are many ways of dealing with a problem, cheating is only one.



QuietSoul said:


> I have been married for 5.5 years. We have been through some pretty difficult challenges, and a real crisis point about 18 months ago which was a big shake up for my H.


It might help if we knew what this was. In any event, in case you haven't realized it, just about everyone has difficult challenges in their lives at one time or another.



QuietSoul said:


> i guess it was humbling and sobering to realise i was just like every other human being.


I am a human being, too, and I have never cheated. There are many other people, all human beings, who have never cheated. You made a bad choice, it doesn't make you a bad person, but not every other human being cheats. And it's not because we don't have opportunities and it's not because we don't have difficult times in our lives. We all have weaknesses, some more than others, some in different areas than others. Face up to your weaknesses, don't rationalize them away by saying "just like every other human being" (as my kids say, and as I used to tell my parents, "but everyone else was doing it" - in reality, everyone else was not doing it.)

As far as the temptation you are experiencing, there is a basic tradeoff, present pleasure/pain vs. future pleasure/pain. Is the pleasure from what you are doing or tempted to do in the present (cheating) worth the future pain it will cause (possible divorce)? This is the same tradeoff with things like overeating, getting drunk, smoking, etc.

I think there are ways to manage your urges, methods you can train yourself to use to stop addictive or obsessive/compulsive behaviors. Maybe you should be googling that, instead. Or going for some counseling. Or talking to your husband about it.


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## Faithful Wife

Quiet said "Can OCD cause obsessive thinking about stuff? I know i am in dangerous territory."

Yes, it certainly can. This really can be part of the problem, so please look up more info about THIS than about your various lusts to help you know where to draw the line on things.

I can tell you another thing...what I'm reading between the lines here is a lack of attraction for your husband. You really need to get clear with yourself on this. Are you really HOT for him, or are you just attracted to him? Does he rock your world, or is the sex just ok?

You need to get honest with yourself on this first, because IF he doesn't rock your world, then you need to focus on THAT and give him the tools he would need in order to rock it.

By not sharing at least some of your thoughts with your husband, you are creating a situation where you are driving an even bigger wedge between "what turns you on" and "your husband". The only reason I can figure you would do this is if you just aren't really that hot for him. 

You are wanting to "take all the blame" here for your thoughts, but you aren't facing that part of the problem may be that you and your H need some more good sex building communication and exercises.

What if you told your H about your desires, and he comes back with "oh that's funny, because I watch black hotties in porn all the time and I have a thing for female lawyers in business suits". Why do you think your fantasies are so odd? They aren't, and if you'd stop telling yourself that they are, you'd be able to move forward a bit.


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## SimplyAmorous

I think we're all a little OCD in one way or another... 

I Think the best thing you can do is OPEN up your fantasies with your husband... so you & he can explore them together... you need to get your focus on him... and ask yourself what is missing in your marriage (has to be something, dig deep, be honest with yourself) that you are tempted to go these places with another......sounds you feel it may be a fetish thing... I've read some really bizarre ones doing a few google searchs, doesn't sound you are anything NEAR Those.. 15 of the Most Bizarre Sexual Fetishes ...You sound pretty normal to me!

Keeping secrets from your spouse also gives "power" ...it's a form of escape...it breeds our own secret world...it's an avoidance of intimacy...this article explains all of this very well...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html

....speaking of those on the verge of starting an affair...it says this....."There are many reasons why someone makes the decision to cheat on their spouse or partner--one often overlooked dynamic has to do with the power and lure of living in a secretive world."


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## Want2babettrme

QS,

First let say good on you for learning from you past cheating and working to prevent the possibility in your current marriage. You seem to have an honest desire to stay true to your husband. Again, that's good.

You may want to seek IC to help you understand your impulses and obsessive behavior and how to manage that. You know you are starting to push the envelope and we know where that leads.

Does your current husband know your history? Be honest with him about your history, feelings and fetishes. That will take away their power over you. Be sure to explain that you are sharing this because he is your husband, you love him and desire him only, and that telling him this makes you feel closer to him. As other noted, you and he can use this process of sharing fantasies to enhance your sexual and emotional intimacy. You may want the schedule some marriage counseling to be able to share your history and fantasies/fetishes in a safe place. 

Do what you have to keep strong boundaries against opportunities for temptation.

Good luck!


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## Want2babettrme

By the way,

My favorite fetish is lesbian eskimo amputee porn. Super hot, but hard to find. 

And seriously, finding that sexual fantasies and acting out are getting more frequent, or that it takes more extreme situations to scratch that itch, are both symptoms of sexual addiction. 

If you have a concern that you could have a sexual addiction take a look at SA.org or SAA.org or other 12 step sex addiction web sites. You can take online tests or surveys to help you decide if this is a problem for you.


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## seasalt

You have given little information about your relationship with your husband or the crisis you overcame with him. I can't then agree with some of the positions presented to you.

Turning a fantasy into a reality for selfish reasons would be from my point of view the kiss of death for your marriage. It would be my suggestion to assess your marriage with a professional and if you can resolve to continue as a faithful wife establish and adhere to the boundaries to assure that.

Seasalt


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## QuietSoul

Caribbean Man said:


> Hi Quiet Soul,
> 
> I think that you are overly worried for nothing. You are only human and the fact is that at time to time , you will find yourself sexually attracted to different people outside of your marriage.
> A lot depends on your hormonal levels , emotional state of mind and so on.
> I think it's good that you can recognize these things in your life and discuss them with your husband.
> What would be even better is discussing proper boundaries in your marriage with him and trusting each other to have each other's back.
> Here's a link to a thread dealing with the topic of boundaries:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...other-look-opposite-sex-friends-marriage.html
> 
> Dreams and desires are normal and change from time to time. Doesn't automatically mean that you would cheat.
> Having open communication about your intimate feelings and desires with your husband ensures that your desires are heard by the right person, and hopefully both of you can work on having your needs and maybe some of these desires fulfilled.
> 
> Also,please note that sometimes our sexual "fetishes" / desires are connected to other non sexual things in our lives. Maybe it's time to explore it from that angle and it might help unravel the puzzle.


CM, thanks for your encouragement. I do agree with.your last sentence, I feel there is something to be considered in all of this on an emotional level. Thanks also for the link.

Regarding boundaries, I have a fair idea of what they are, and I know I have crossed these boundaries, and my own boundaries, in the last few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul

meson said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Cman is right investigate boundaries and transparency and start living with them. Boundaries will help you limit exposure to situations that are risky and transparency will help ensure your husband knows what you are doing, saying and writing to others. This will help keep you in check.
> 
> We are all human and have those feelings from time to time. Looking things up online is a small escalation that you will need to monitor. If you do it more and more you will want it more and more. Keep tabs on your behavior in this regard and limit it so it doesn't get out of control.
> 
> The best defense is a strong offense. You need to ensure your marriage is strong. If you keep your feelings for your husband strong it will overwhelm feelings that may grow from others. You will still have them but they will be less of a draw. Work on your connections with your husband.


I do think transparency is key, with that comes accountability, which makes me not think I can do whatever I want and keep it a secret. I do think it's time to talk to a friend about all this, or my pastor's wife who has been awesome support with other things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

QuietSoul said:


> I do think transparency is key, with that comes accountability, which makes me not think I can do whatever I want and keep it a secret. I do think it's time to talk to a friend about all this, or my pastor's wife who has been awesome support with other things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you saying that you think your husband won't understand?


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## QuietSoul

Will_Kane said:


> You cheat because you choose to. There are many ways of dealing with a problem, cheating is only one.
> 
> 
> 
> It might help if we knew what this was. In any event, in case you haven't realized it, just about everyone has difficult challenges in their lives at one time or another.
> 
> 
> 
> I am a human being, too, and I have never cheated. There are many other people, all human beings, who have never cheated. You made a bad choice, it doesn't make you a bad person, but not every other human being cheats. And it's not because we don't have opportunities and it's not because we don't have difficult times in our lives. We all have weaknesses, some more than others, some in different areas than others. Face up to your weaknesses, don't rationalize them away by saying "just like every other human being" (as my kids say, and as I used to tell my parents, "but everyone else was doing it" - in reality, everyone else was not doing it.)
> 
> As far as the temptation you are experiencing, there is a basic tradeoff, present pleasure/pain vs. future pleasure/pain. Is the pleasure from what you are doing or tempted to do in the present (cheating) worth the future pain it will cause (possible divorce)? This is the same tradeoff with things like overeating, getting drunk, smoking, etc.
> 
> I think there are ways to manage your urges, methods you can train yourself to use to stop addictive or obsessive/compulsive behaviors. Maybe you should be googling that, instead. Or going for some counseling. Or talking to your husband about it.


Will, I don't know if it was intentional but you came across a bit judgmental and I don't think you understood certain things I said. It took alot of courage for me to post what I did. I can't respond in full right now but may do later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson

QuietSoul said:


> I do think transparency is key, with that comes accountability, which makes me not think I can do whatever I want and keep it a secret. I do think it's time to talk to a friend about all this, or my pastor's wife who has been awesome support with other things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Part of transparency is to confide in your husband about your desires. You can talk to the others to help get up the courage to do so but in the end you should confide in him. You might find that once he knows you will be less drawn to it and you both might find a way to incorporate it in your sex play.


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## Caribbean Man

Quiet Soul,

I think I'm getting a picture here.

Tell me if I'm right.

You and your husband are religious people. You all belong to a church, and these thoughts / fantasies that you have are not expected of a woman who is a " good wife?"

You think your husband might not understand.
Hence your decision not to talk to your husband but your pastor's wife?

Am I correct?


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## James C

Without knowing your husband and your history, I'm not 100% on board with telling him these fantasies. It might be beneficial to you, as others have stated but it could be incredibly destructive to your marriage and his psyche. Even if you get a handle on your urges it will always be in the back of his mind. I would never tell my wife about a very strong desire for nurses, teachers, cheerleaders or whatever for the simple reason that she wouldn't be able to handle it. She had a rough childhood and it would hurt her and her self esteem. 

The good news is that it's nothing to beat yourself up over. Not only is it normal to have fantasies but you recognize the destruction acting them out would cause. Like others have stated, work on boundaries and the root of the fantasies to defuse them until they subside to a reasonable level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard

It's good that you're worried- that means you care. Do you really find your husband attractive? 

And why do you feel the variables that caused you to cheat on your first husband are not present in your newer marriage? You know that the variables that caused you to cheat are within you, right? Meaning you take them with you.


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## alphabravo

Seriously, if your husband loves you like he says he does, then by you telling him about your "true" desires it should only strengthen your relationship, not diminish it.

Without communicating this to him you run the risk of living a lie. You'll be married to a person who loves you in so many ways but you'll never know if the true you was ever loved at all. And every time your husband says, "I love you" you'll be thinking in the back of your head, "...yeah sure. You love the image of me that is convenient for you but you don't even know the real me so how can you say you love me?"

And by the way, if you are at this stage now in terms of the race and cop deal, it doesn't get any easier over time. In fact, it gets harder. You can try to fill your life with other things to keep your mind off of this, but really its your soul speaking to you and wanting to be heard. This never goes away.


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## CuddleBug

I too am a God fearing Christian man, but I'm just as weak and corrupt as the next person.

I have a high sex drive, regardless of my faith, and if I attend church or not.

Sex between you guys should be anything goes. Any fantasy or fetish you want to do together, do it already. You are married. Being a person of faith doesn't mean, sex only for having kids and not much else. That is old school thinking and tradition more than anything. If you have a high adventurous sex drive, take the initiative and do that with hubbs. If he is the high sex drive one, he should do the same with you. Communicate to each other what your sexual appetites are, fantasies, how often, who like to initiate and be passive. Whatever you guys can think of, do it together and make the marriage awesome. There is nothing wrong with this.:smthumbup:


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## Plan 9 from OS

Think she flew the coop a couple months ago. Don't think she's coming back.


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## Clay2013

I know I'm going to get kicked for this but I think if you are coming here because you fear you cant control yourself with other men around its clear you should not be married. 

You say you love your husband but you don't share this fear with him and give him the chance to help you address this concern or at least to be aware of this as a potential problem and possibly even choose to leave. 

Marriage is something seriously sacred to me. If my wife came to me and said she was afraid she would cheat it would be clear without a doubt she is not ready for "Marriage".

Maybe you are seeing things this way because you never really had the chance to go out and date and just have fun. Some people have to get this out of there system before entering into marriage. 

I hope you can find the courage to talk to your husband this in its entirety. Share with him this concern. He married you because he loves you. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Keep this from him and you will guarantee that wont happen. 


I will tell you this I commend you on seeking help for this. It is really good that you are trying to fix you. 

Clay


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## Daisy10

It doesn't sound like you're cut out for marriage. Some people aren't.


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## QuietSoul

To everyone who responded to my post, thanks so much for your concern, advice and encouragement. I know it's been a while since I checked back in here, I tend to come and go as needed. 

The issue of me being attracted to others seems to have subsided, at least to a conttollable level. Ie, i'm not googling about it, having involuntary dreams or feeling concerned. It will probably flare up again one day as these things do with me.

It felt vulnerable to share about who/what i'm attracted to, and am so grateful this forum exists. 

To answer a few questions, yes i am attracted to my husband, no I would not tell him about the attractions to other men because if he found say latinas or nurses hot, I wouldn't really find that helpful to know and it eouldn't edify our marriage or sex life and I would just feel weird whenever I saw him interacting with one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul

To those who say I shouldn't be married or am not ready for marriage... even if that were truer, I made.a choice in life, and I made my vows six years ago,.and I intend to keep them. I take my marriage very seriously which is why I even bothered posting about this or being concerned about my potential to head into dangerous territory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRaven

QuietSoul said:


> To those who say I shouldn't be married or am not ready for marriage... even if that were truer, I made.a choice in life, and I made my vows six years ago,.and I intend to keep them. I take my marriage very seriously which is why I even bothered posting about this or being concerned about my potential to head into dangerous territory.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you choose to D, no one think any less of you.


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## bandit.45

QuietSoul said:


> To everyone who responded to my post, thanks so much for your concern, advice and encouragement. I know it's been a while since I checked back in here, I tend to come and go as needed.
> 
> The issue of me being attracted to others seems to have subsided, at least to a conttollable level. Ie, i'm not googling about it, having involuntary dreams or feeling concerned. It will probably flare up again one day as these things do with me.
> 
> It felt vulnerable to share about who/what i'm attracted to, and am so grateful this forum exists.
> 
> To answer a few questions, yes i am attracted to my husband, no I would not tell him about the attractions to other men because if he found say latinas or nurses hot, I wouldn't really find that helpful to know and it eouldn't edify our marriage or sex life and I would just feel weird whenever I saw him interacting with one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why wont you define your attractions for us? Are you a white woman attracted to Latinos or African American men? Is there a specific body type that arouses you? 

I'm not trying to be a perv asking these things, but if we knew your husband's race and body type as opposed to what you are attrracted to it might paint us a better picture. 

Have you ever thought of renting a cop costuime and asking your husband to engage in a fantasy role play? He might enjoy arresting you, cuffing you and interrogating you. Try it.


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## MSP

QuietSoul said:


> WHY AM I DOING THIS????? Do I have something wrong with me? Can OCD cause obsessive thinking about stuff? I know i am in dangerous territory.


Your whole first post shows that you are afraid of feeling helpless in the face of your desires or certain situations, of feeling that things will become beyond your control. You are scared of yourself, too, of what you might do. You're not alone; many others go through this. 

Firstly, you will never resolve this or make it better by exploring what you see as your dark side. Trying to understand what makes you tick in order to get control of it will unfortunately lead to becoming more obsessed with it and less in control. You can only overcome something bad with something good. So, the more time you spend with your husband, doing fun things or sexual things, the less that this other stuff will crop up. 

If you pray, do that more, too. But don't pray about your problems. Instead, pray about positive things.


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## treyvion

I KNOW I will "cheat". It's not "cheating" in my situation though because i explained that enough is enough, i've waited 2 years and that's long enough. I'm about to have a sex life. I don't want to get driven to this, and not ready to let go. Hoping it raise the outside validation and female competition thing to get her to step fully to the plate.


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## Plan 9 from OS

bandit.45 said:


> Why wont you define your attractions for us? Are you a white woman attracted to Latinos or African American men? Is there a specific body type that arouses you?
> 
> I'm not trying to be a perv asking these things, but *if we knew your husband's race and body type as opposed to what you are attrracted to it might paint us a better picture. *
> 
> Have you ever thought of renting a cop costuime and asking your husband to engage in a fantasy role play? He might enjoy arresting you, cuffing you and interrogating you. Try it.


Unless there are big time cultural issues combined with a large family that is close knit, I would question why she settled for someone who did NOT fit what her preference in males is???????


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## footballguy89

You could take a few minutes and read some of the stories of the aftermath of an affair in coping with infidelity.

I'm glad you are checking out things beforehand.... Kind of like the tv shows that show bad kids what prison is like. Hopefully they will make choices to stay away from that life. I hope you wisen up before going down a dangerous path.


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## QuietSoul

Hi all. Didn't mean to resurrect this one. Issue seems to have subsided for the moment, and hasn't arisen again for the last six months or more.

1. If you read my original post, I posted in here because after posting in the sex section, I wanted to avoid the "cuff him in bed" advice

2. I am attracted to my husband and I didn't "settle "

3. I posted here because I value my marriage and intend to keep it in tact. I didn't come here to be told to end it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

I haven't read the other responses, but I will tell you that I tell dh immediately when I feel attracted to another man. I always have.

Try to get over that fear of telling him. And don't tell yourself stuff like he can't handle it. He can. Or if he can't, he probably isn't really the guy for you. The man we are with needs to be man enough to handle our emotions.

I feel bad when I feel attracted to other men, too. I feel like dh should have all of my mind. But he forgives for not being perfect.  And I bet your husband will forgive you, too.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

jld said:


> I haven't read the other responses, but I will tell you that I tell dh immediately when I feel attracted to another man. I always have.
> 
> Try to get over that fear of telling him. And don't tell yourself stuff like he can't handle it. He can. Or if he can't, he probably isn't really the guy for you. The man we are with needs to be man enough to handle our emotions.
> 
> I feel bad when I feel attracted to other men, too. I feel like dh should have all of my mind. But he forgives for not being perfect.  And I bet your husband will forgive you, too.


:iagree: We all get tempted. It is what we do with the temptation that matters.

My husband forgives me for being attracted to other men, as long as he is the only person who benefits from that attraction.


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## GusPolinski

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :iagree: We all get tempted. It is what we do with the temptation that matters.
> 
> My husband forgives me for being attracted to other men, as long as he is the only person who benefits from that attraction.


Reminds me of an old saying...

"I don't care where you get hungry as long as you come home to eat."


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## CharlotteMcdougall

GusPolinski said:


> Reminds me of an old saying...
> 
> "I don't care where you get hungry as long as you come home to eat."



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## over20

jld said:


> I haven't read the other responses, but I will tell you that I tell dh immediately when I feel attracted to another man. I always have.
> 
> Try to get over that fear of telling him. And don't tell yourself stuff like he can't handle it. He can. Or if he can't, he probably isn't really the guy for you. The man we are with needs to be man enough to handle our emotions.
> 
> I feel bad when I feel attracted to other men, too. I feel like dh should have all of my mind. But he forgives for not being perfect.  And I bet your husband will forgive you, too.


Such sound, wise, perfect advise!

I have always read by bringing an issue into the light it looses it's tempting hold on you...


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## jld

over20 said:


> Such sound, wise, perfect advise!
> 
> I have always read by bringing an issue into the light it looses it's tempting hold on you...


I totally believe this, over20. I think the Bible says this, too.

We all have a dark side. Admitting it is the first step to healing it, I think.


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## Anon Pink

Cheese Louise! Stop beating yourself up!

Thinking about other men in general terms (as opposed to a specific person you know) perfectly NORMAL! Doesn't mean anything at all!

We all go through periods where the attraction to our spouses waxes and wanes. And we should expect the same from our spouse. You're married, not dead!

You can't control what thoughts pop into your mind or your dreams. You can control your actions.

In terms of role play with your husband, don't knock it till you try it! And don't think he doesn't have those naughty thoughts either! You want a big bad police office to dominate you while he wants a naughty nurse to force herself on him. Perfectly NORMA!!

Now stop beating yourself up!


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## bandit.45

Anon Pink said:


> Cheese Louise! Stop beating yourself up!
> 
> Thinking about other men in general terms (as opposed to a specific person you know) perfectly NORMAL! Doesn't mean anything at all!
> 
> We all go through periods where the attraction to our spouses waxes and wanes. And we should expect the same from our spouse. You're married, not dead!
> 
> You can't control what thoughts pop into your mind or your dreams. You can control your actions.
> 
> In terms of role play with your husband, don't knock it till you try it! And don't think he doesn't have those naughty thoughts either! You want a big bad police office to dominate you while he wants a naughty nurse to force herself on him. Perfectly NORMA!!
> 
> Now stop beating yourself up!



AP, how many times have we seen waywards come here telling us their stories about how they cheated because they were not sexually satisfied, when in reality it was because they were too shy and afraid to tell their spouses what they really wanted sexually, or because they had misguided religious beliefs? 

There have been a lot of them. 

It's just so silly and such a waste of time.


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## Anon Pink

bandit.45 said:


> AP, how many times have we seen waywards come here telling us their stories about how they cheated because they were not sexually satisfied, when in reality it was because they were too shy and afraid to tell their spouses what they really wanted sexually, or because they had misguided religious beliefs?
> 
> There have been a lot of them.
> 
> It's just so silly and such a waste of time.


Couldn't agree more! 

The OP is totally misguided if she thinks that role play with her husband is lusting after someone else! It's incorrect assumptions about life, relationships and lust itself.

If I put in a wig and danced around in a Gstring it wouldn't really be me. But if it turned my husband on and we had sex as a result, it would be me! And afterwards, he would see me in a whole new light. An outwardly conservative buttoned up woman who has a raging horny stripper insider her. Her husband can do the same thing for her, if she can bring herself to be honest about what turns her on..


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## bandit.45

Anon Pink said:


> Couldn't agree more!
> 
> The OP is totally misguided if she thinks that role play with her husband is lusting after someone else! It's incorrect assumptions about life, relationships and lust itself.
> 
> If I put in a wig and danced around in a Gstring it would really be me. But if it turned my husband on and we had sex as a result, it would be me! And afterwards, he would see me in a whole new light. An outwardly conservative buttoned up woman who has a raging horny stripper insider her. Her husband can do the same thing for her, if she can bring herself to be honest about what turns her on..


Beautifully said.


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## QuietSoul

Your point is taken that being turned on by other men is normal. At the time I originally wrote this, I felt I had reason for concern (I was particularly obsessed at this time and was having unwanted thoughts), and was concerned about what might happen if I happened to be forced into continuously interacting with a man I feel attracted to in this way. Eg, work situation or other social or community situation that goes beyond the bare minimum. I can handle myself around them if we can just exist but not interract. But what if say I get a new boss and he is someone I find sexually attractive and I am having unwanted thoughts and am having regular 1:1 private meetings? and let's say attraction is mutual and he has no regard for my "availability" and makes passes? Now i'm not saying that theoretically I would go ahead and cross that line, in fact I would be pretty up tight, awkward, avoidant of eye contact and would not be having after work drinks with him (even in a group). The situation of a boss cracking onto me is unlikely if I have made a point of being distant, but what I am trying to say is that under certain conditions, my ability to resist that is compromised. Affairs don't start out of thin air, they start in the mind, the place where you decide what you desire, which can turn into what you want, and if you let it go on (or if you are compromised or struggle to the point of obsession) then you may compromise in a situation you may not even see coming.

Yes, I happen to be religious, but I haven't always been, and I believe my fear is coming from my own experience as a cheater. Other factors going on at the time, it was a previous relationship, and a pretty toxic one at that, but it was still me that did what I did. 

The whole sexology advice, I get where you're coming from with the whole "get kinky and take it out on H" thing, but it's not something I would feel comfortable doing, nor does the idea appeal to me at all, nor do I believe this is the big answer and will satisfy my every urge. The cop thing, somewhat feasable, but as for the race fetish, well that's awkward. Not like I can say "honey can you pretend to be a _______ man so I can get off?" I accept it's there but I think an obsession is unhealthy. 

Case in point... today, I went to a bible study at work. I had lunch with them a few weeks back and met some of them for the first time, and one was a guy that I found attractive in that way. So I accepted it and talked to different ppl in the group, was friendly, gave him an equal portion of my attention and friendliness, and went back to work. Today, he was there at the bible study meet up and he sat next to me. Didn't know I was supposed to bring a bible so he sat closer so I could read along with him with his iPad bible app. Nothing inappropriate said, no body language, no sexy time eyes, no different treatment, just me and my unwanted thoughts, the smell of his washing powder and being professionally "cosy"...

So people have certain "types" they find attractive, but I somehow feel my case is kind of unhealthy. I mean, what does it say about me if I fetishize a race of men? I'm not overly ashamed but seriously, what is that? That I can't interact normally without thoughts, pictures, daydreams that i didn't ask for or go out of my way to pursue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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