# How do you know if you found the right partner?



## Providence

Hi,

It's been almost 2 years since my separation and about 7 months since my divorce was final. 

Luckily I was able to push myself out of the grieving process with the help of friends and family. Once in a while I still have gloomy days in which I miss having a partner, not sure if I miss my exW or just having a life partner.

So my dilemma is the following:

I started dating and have met a few people I liked. I do feel that I'm very closed off emotionally. Usually when I meet someone I like we'll start dating, have lots of fun, but when I feel that the other person is expecting the relationship to get more serious I disengage immediately. I've actually been told by my dates that I don't let them love me(get close to me). 

There was this one girl. We met about a year ago. I asked her out but she blew me off, well she stood me up 3 times in a row, so I shut that door. Recently she came around and we started going out. In a 2 month period we saw each other every weekend and we ended up being intimate. The thing is she said she wasn't into friends with benefits and that if we wanted to keep seeing each other we had to be in a serious relationship. I felt a little bit trapped and told her I wanted for us to know each other a little bit more. She basically said we knew each other enough and that being just friends would be pointless. So that friendship failed. 

This last girl I really liked. The type of girl you feel a connection with. But that scares me now. That's what I felt with my exW when we met and eventually we ended up divorced. It’s been 2 weeks since I last saw her and I'm feeling down. It’s like I want to reach out and see her but when I realize I have to commit I start seeing all the red flags and uncertainty creeps in, so I’ve done my best to stay away.

So my questions are: Is it that I am closed off emotionally to any potential new partner? or Am I more critical of who I will share my emotions with because of the failure of my marriage? and for those of you that have more experience. Will I ever be able to love again and let myself be loved? How do you know when it's the right person(I thought my exW was)? 

Thanks in advance. 

Providence.


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## Hope1964

You never know. None of us can predict the future.

The key to being happy is to be happy apart from someone else. Never depend on a romantic partner to make you happy. Figure out how to be happy just being YOU, without having to depend on someone else. Then, and ONLY then, can you make a choice to be with someone. If you are with someone by choice, and not because you HAVE to be, THEN you are with the right person.


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## Jellybeans

You don't.

Just have to try it on for size and see what happens.


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## Jellybeans

Providence said:


> This last girl I really liked. The type of girl you feel a connection with. But that scares me now. That's what I felt with my exW when we met and eventually we ended up divorced.


I know* exactly* what you mean. 

If you like her, reach out to her.You only get one life so you might as well enjoy it with the people you like.


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## Providence

Jellybeans said:


> I know* exactly* what you mean.
> 
> If you like her, reach out to her.You only get one life so you might as well enjoy it with the people you like.


.

I hate this new feeling of judging to much if someone fits or not. I guess it's my brain trying to avoid getting hurt gain. 

I don't know if I can still reach out. She probably hates me by now.


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## Providence

Hope1964 said:


> You never know. None of us can predict the future.
> 
> The key to being happy is to be happy apart from someone else. Never depend on a romantic partner to make you happy. Figure out how to be happy just being YOU, without having to depend on someone else. Then, and ONLY then, can you make a choice to be with someone. If you are with someone by choice, and not because you HAVE to be, THEN you are with the right person.


Hope, I think I'm happy now. I actually enjoy spending time with myself. I do have my down days but nothing compared to a year ago. Im just trying to understand what the decision process on looking for a partner should be. Just go with your heart or analyse the person and decide. The problem is if you analyse everything you probably will find something wrong in everyone.


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## michzz

Providence said:


> Hope, I think I'm happy now. I actually enjoy spending time with myself. I do have my down days but nothing compared to a year ago. Im just trying to understand what the decision process on looking for a partner should be. Just go with your heart or analyse the person and decide. The problem is if you analyse everything you probably will find something wrong in everyone.


The process is a blend of both following your heart/physical/emotional attraction and analyzing compatibility and your neediness levels.

At the end of the day, it's a worth leaning into enjoying life over leaning out and avoiding hurt.

If you wait another year wondering, all you've done is burn a year. if you try for happiness now and it doesn't work out? Lesson learned and move on.


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## Providence

michzz said:


> The process is a blend of both following your heart/physical/emotional attraction and analyzing compatibility and your neediness levels.
> 
> At the end of the day, it's a worth leaning into enjoying life over leaning out and avoiding hurt.
> 
> If you wait another year wondering, all you've done is burn a year. if you try for happiness now and it doesn't work out? Lesson learned and move on.


I agree we should lean into enjoying life. Thats something I started doing after my divorce. I'm just kinda stuck right now. I really don't want to have a life of casual dating and running when things get serious. I'll probaly have to learn how to be in a relationship and being able to let go if things don't turn out right.


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## badcompany

Define commit?
If she's asking to be exclusive with each other and spend more time together and see how things progress, what's the issue? 
If she's wanting you to marry her or something that's too pushy.


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## Providence

badcompany said:


> Define commit?
> If she's asking to be exclusive with each other and spend more time together and see how things progress, what's the issue?
> If she's wanting you to marry her or something that's too pushy.


Commit as you defined it. She just wanted to be exclusive and see how things progressed. I decided to run. Well, not run, just asked her for a little more time. I think I'm afraid of being exclusive and later finding out it's not for me and not being able to pull out.


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## badcompany

Providence said:


> Commit as you defined it. She just wanted to be exclusive and see how things progressed. I decided to run. Well, not run, just asked her for a little more time. I think I'm afraid of being exclusive and later finding out it's not for me and not being able to pull out.


You need to switch those ideas around. You can't be afraid of being exclusive(you may miss out on a great woman otherwise) and also don't be afraid to say "sorry" if you get further down the road and its not working out(or you may wind up sticking yourself with STBXW #2).


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## Providence

badcompany said:


> and also don't be afraid to say "sorry" if you get further down the road and its not working out(or you may wind up sticking yourself with STBXW #2).


This is exactly what frightens me the most... I need to learn how to pull out of a relationship when I feel it's not working out with out feeling guilty.


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## Jellybeans

Providence said:


> I don't know if I can still reach out. She probably hates me by now.


Well you will never know unless you actually reach out to her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You could talk to her and agree to commit for three months, and then to check in with each other and decide to continue, or not.

Make sure you keep your own boundaries, such as not giving her a key to your place, and not having to explain where you are and what you're doing when you're not with her.

If she can't deal with that, she's not really ready to have a relationship. 

It might not be you. It might be the type of people you're attracted to, are the kind you know subconsciously 100% will be easy to pursue. As a result, they all want to commit.

You'll know you have the right person when you're willing to almost make a fool of yourself to show or tell them how much you care for them...and you will know things about them that are imperfect, but they won't be dealbreakers or anything you want to change. You won't feel threatened by having them in your life. You'll just feel like you. If you don't feel that way, keep moving on.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't make you feel the way you should. If you want to be more sure, you could seek counseling, and with a competent counselor, you could explore various aspects of relationships and your response to them, including commitment issues. 

You sound a little passive in your relationships...i.e. you don't know if you miss your ex or just having a partner. You say you and this woman just ended up being intimate. There should be sharper edges than this. You should be clear about how you feel about someone you're going to partner up with hopefully for the rest of your life. You should be able to see your future with this person, and feel good about it. Not just some murky partnering up that makes you feel confused.


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## arbitrator

*In my experience, it's a whole lot like sensing that your spouse is out cheating on you ~ you just get a "gut feeling!"

And when that special person comes along where physical attraction, intelligence, and empathy all come together, you'll get that very same feeling!*


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## 3Xnocharm

I'm going to go out on a limb here, I think you just are NOT ready for a relationship yet. What you have been describing doesnt sound to me like not finding the right one, but YOU still being too gun shy to truly put yourself out there.


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## Providence

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You could talk to her and agree to commit for three months, and then to check in with each other and decide to continue, or not.
> 
> Make sure you keep your own boundaries, such as not giving her a key to your place, and not having to explain where you are and what you're doing when you're not with her.
> 
> If she can't deal with that, she's not really ready to have a relationship.
> 
> It might not be you. It might be the type of people you're attracted to, are the kind you know subconsciously 100% will be easy to pursue. As a result, they all want to commit.
> 
> You'll know you have the right person when you're willing to almost make a fool of yourself to show or tell them how much you care for them...and you will know things about them that are imperfect, but they won't be dealbreakers or anything you want to change. You won't feel threatened by having them in your life. You'll just feel like you. If you don't feel that way, keep moving on.
> 
> Don't settle for someone who doesn't make you feel the way you should. If you want to be more sure, you could seek counseling, and with a competent counselor, you could explore various aspects of relationships and your response to them, including commitment issues.
> 
> You sound a little passive in your relationships...i.e. you don't know if you miss your ex or just having a partner. You say you and this woman just ended up being intimate. There should be sharper edges than this. You should be clear about how you feel about someone you're going to partner up with hopefully for the rest of your life. You should be able to see your future with this person, and feel good about it. Not just some murky partnering up that makes you feel confused.


Thanks for the comment. I'm usually not passive about my partners. Going through the divorce made me more critical about who I partner up with. The fear I have is that I will always find faults in potential partners. Thats why I also need to learn how to let go when things don't turn out the way we want them too.


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## Providence

3Xnocharm said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here, I think you just are NOT ready for a relationship yet. What you have been describing doesnt sound to me like not finding the right one, but YOU still being too gun shy to truly put yourself out there.



This might be very true. I think that when potential partners expect an emotional response from me I just shy away.


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## guyinmd

Providence said:


> This might be very true. I think that when potential partners expect an emotional response from me I just shy away.


I fell too hard for a woman 1 year ago, and it was just 1 year 3 months after my separation. Now a year later (see my post "need help" ) I realize I should have taken it slower. Was way too head over heels for her. I still am having trouble staying away. 

Now, I'm not interested in falling in love--well wasn't a year ago either. But now I being very cautious---four dates so far and only hugs at the end. No kissing. I kissed ms. 1 year after our first date and it was all fireworks, etc. After date 4, I was over the moon.

Now...just keeping it slow. Not even thinking about jumping in the sack.


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## Hardtohandle

I think you need to push yourself through it..

I have similar situation. 

I use the analogy of seeing someone standing in the corner.. You know they don't exist, so you just ignore them until they just eventually go away.. 

The minute you acknowledge them and engage them, then your nuts.. 

You need to ignore that phantom in the corner.. 

I have trust issues as well. I tell the G.F. and she gets upset because she wants me to love her like she loves me.. 

I explain to her the rose colored glasses are off. I love you but I'm just not blinded by it anymore.. A sort of reality sets in.. 

Look this sh1t is like a form of PTSD... 

Do you go to therapy ? I've been going since Sept 28, 2012 and haven't stopped yet.. The G.F. goes with me now.. 

Be brutally honest.. Tell them your scared.. Heck it might even be a turn on for some women.. You know, the need to fix you types..

Nonetheless, I get tense when I don't hear from my G.F. and she knows it without me saying a word.. I know its me being crazy and I just push through it. 

Look I've been though 4 affairs *( yes I was slow to catch a hint )* with my Ex before getting divorced.. Each time was a rough time getting back to normal. 

I would beat her up emotionally for a time after the affair then I would internalize it because I knew I couldn't beat her up forever for it.. 

If you know its you, you just need to push past it.. Trust me its worth it. Even if it isn't perfect. 

Don't let your ex win...

As a side note: Any woman has to love you if they want to go to therapy with you and your just dating.. ( or they are nuts too  )


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## TheGoodGuy

Everyone is at least a little nuts H2H.. It's admitting it and working to improve (as you and your GF are) that says the most about your character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poppyseed

A very good thread!

If you are what you are describing, have you thought about going through some therapy to explore your feelings / things (unless you have done this already?).

To be absolutely honest, people can find "the one" when dating someone new but then things change in different stages as you go along. Many of us do know not everyone in a committed relationship who looks content and happy from outside aren't necessarily happy. It's normal to be "closed off" if you already went though a history of any broken relationship (emotional trauma if you like) recently (let's say even after 6-10 years?).

It's better to be cautious than rushing into another relationship...things take time and sometimes his needs and her needs simply do not match - better to know sooner than later. If you see any red flags, better to recognize these than ignoring and continue seeing the person and you get attached...


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## Fenix

It is scary. I like the three month suggestion. I didn't like it when I first read it, but it makes sense. I pushed through the hesitancy in my post separation/divorce relationship. I am so happy that I did. I gave the big speech about exclusiveness (as I wasn't keen on ONS or hooking up with someone who had multiple partners) but taking it a day at a time and when it stopped being fun, ending it. So far, it hasn't stopped being really fun.  And we have pretty much moved on from the day to day horizon to the 3 month horizon.

I may get hurt, he may get hurt...who knows. But I think the respect and enjoyment we have in and for each other is worth it.


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## Providence

Hardtohandle said:


> I think you need to push yourself through it..
> 
> I explain to her the rose colored glasses are off. I love you but I'm just not blinded by it anymore.. A sort of reality sets in..


I think this is very true and I'm starting to understand it know. I think everyone of us that has gone through divorce takes the rose colored glasses off. Sometimes I think it can interfere with passion and romance but being a little bit realistic is what eventually will make us take better decisions. And pushing yourself through some of the fears is what we all need, if not, every single person we date will have huge flaws.


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## Providence

poppyseed said:


> It's better to be cautious than rushing into another relationship...things take time and sometimes his needs and her needs simply do not match - better to know sooner than later. If you see any red flags, better to recognize these than ignoring and continue seeing the person and you get attached...


After a month or so of thinking about all of this I reached the conclusion thats this is best. Not rushing into a new relationship but not running away from it either. We do have to be very carefull with red flags. We have to be able to spot them but we also have to be able to know when it's our fears getting in the way.


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## Providence

Jellybeans said:


> I know* exactly* what you mean.
> 
> If you like her, reach out to her.You only get one life so you might as well enjoy it with the people you like.


I followed this advice. I couldn't get her off my mind so I called her and explained what my deal was. Obviously she had a little resentment for the way I had run from our friendship but was open to retaking it. I told her how I felt and she was ok with taking it slow. 

Every time I'm with her my mind runs a million miles a minute because I'm trying to control the way I feel and act around her. I think this is good because eventually I will teach myself to recognize what I want from a relantionship, to know when it's worth it and when it's not and to control my emotions in a way that's beneficial for my partner and me. 

So we'll see how it goes. I think it's good, like HardtoHandle said, to push myself through it. This way I can learn more about how to relate to potential partners not just in theory but also in practice. And like Forest said, with a little twist, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your'e going to get", UNTIL YOU EAT ONE...

So I hope this works out as best it can and I'll keep you posted. If for some reason I need to break it I surely will be needing help from all of you.

Providence.


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## Hardtohandle

Don't let the Ex win..


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## Married but Happy

You can't be SURE you've got the right partner, but you can tip the odds considerably. Mostly, though, it takes time and observation in a variety of circumstances to see how they behave, and whether that's consistent. There is some science you can use, though:

What should you look for in a marriage partner?


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## stillhoping

Here is what I am struggling with. I was married for almost 30 years, been D for 2 now. I dated someone I used to know a long time ago for the first year after I got my D. He knew what a mess I was and I let him take care of me. Now, I am doing pretty well on my own, sold the house I raised my kids in, bought a new one. Been living alone for several years now. I am dating someone new now, my age, he has kids and grandkids. He is also someone I know from my college days. I am worried about starting something and needing to end it. Do I tell him how I feel or just let this relationship develop on its own? That sounds silly even to me reading it, but I really am worried about doing this right. I don't trust myself any more. I thought my ex loved me...


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## Providence

stillhoping said:


> Here is what I am struggling with. I was married for almost 30 years, been D for 2 now. I dated someone I used to know a long time ago for the first year after I got my D. He knew what a mess I was and I let him take care of me. Now, I am doing pretty well on my own, sold the house I raised my kids in, bought a new one. Been living alone for several years now. I am dating someone new now, my age, he has kids and grandkids. He is also someone I know from my college days. I am worried about starting something and needing to end it. Do I tell him how I feel or just let this relationship develop on its own? That sounds silly even to me reading it, but I really am worried about doing this right. I don't trust myself any more. I thought my ex loved me...


I think our biggest fear is being let down by ourselves again. By this I mean that we fear not knowing if someone is right or wrong for us, especially when the one we knew was the keeper ended up being our biggest hurt.

I think we should move past the fear of opening up to new people, hone our ability to know when it's right or wrong for us and being able to move ourselves out of a relationship we don't like. 

I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel. Try to be honest with yourself, if it's working don't be afraid to open up, if it's not for you, don't be afraid to let go. 

I'm working on improving this abilities myself. I've stayed in relationships just because I could not bring myself to hurt the other person but I don't want that anymore. Eventually it's better for both if you're honest and open with what you're feeling. And I really think it's best to work on this than just closing ourselves off to other people.


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## firebelly1

I don't know that you need to "control" your emotions as much as just being honest about them. There's a book I like called "Truth in Dating" that guides you through how to be honest. (Yes...seemingly we need a whole book to tell us how to do that.) It may be true at any one moment that you would like to have sex but aren't ready to be exclusive. Be honest about that. Or, that you are willing to be exclusive for a while in order to see where the relationship might go, but aren't feeling like it's a long-term commitment. The key is really understanding where you are at and not judging yourself for it. 

I think it takes a lot of courage to be that honest, but it's more authentic and kind to yourself to just be honest about what you're feeling in any one moment than try to "control" your feelings to be something they aren't.


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## poppyseed

How do you know if you found the right partner?

It is a good question. It depends on what kind of partner you were looking for. A rebound partner might not last (you only needed his or her attention just to get through the breakup & D). A partner with a staying power? Some partner is ok for a few months or so but not longer than that. Or a partner lasting just for one season / Summer? After a very long-term relationship/divorce, it may be best not to take it too seriously. Just enjoy what you have. But that's just me.


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## motl

I find it helps to keep things in perspective.

Instead of asking, "Is this person a great fit?" or "Can I see myself marrying this person?" you might consider simply asking "Would I like to see this person again?"

If the answer continues to be yes, then the commitment simply becomes a product of your interest in that person. If you enjoy her company and currently aren't pursuing other women, then what is the harm is seeing how things play out once exclusive? It's not like being exclusive is marriage or even an engagement. People go exclusive and later break up (days, weeks, months, years later) all the time. The plus side is that the break up will never be as complicated as when you were married. At the same time, not getting distracted by the long-term "Can I marry this person?" questions will allow for a healthier relationship early on. You'll either find a few red flags or issues, which will help you realize that you're no longer interested, or you'll keep coming back for more.

If you are simply scared to date beyond something casual then I'd suggest telling your dates this upfront, instead of trying to sidestep commitment after planting the seeds for a relationship. You're setting your dates up for unnecessary complications and/or pain when they grow attached and you run. That isn't fair.

Decide what you can handle and be upfront about your situation and emotional availability. After that, just try to take things one date at a time.


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## poppyseed

Providence, I'm sure love will find you again. Stay well and enjoy! (it's not bad at all to be free and picky about who you date..)


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