# Don't know what to do EA?



## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

Hi, my wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 10 and 7 year old boys. In the last 6 months we have been disagreeing/fighting about alot of things. It got to the point where she moved into the spare room and we only talked about nessesary things like kids, sched's etc. At this time she was going out on Friday's that kept getting later and later. Her cell phone seemed never around and the only time she was nice/civil was the nights she went out. I know she wanted to go to counseling but I had always resisted, I finally approached her and said I would do whatever needed to be done to repair our marriage and we started counseling and both of us were trying hard and getting much happier.

I was still wondering if anything was going on during these late nights and I started checking and found a couple of texts that said nothing but other texts were obviously deleted. A month after we had started counseling one night when I was taking the kids to ball I set up a laptop to record whatever happened. The next day I listened to what I thought was a phone conversation but was actually her talking to herself. In it she talked about the text guy, they had met a few times after the bar and talked, he made her feel sexy, his marriage wasn't good either etc. She had texted him the day before this recording(1 month after we agreed to work on it) and he wasn't returning the text and had dropped out of the picture 4 weeks before(I suspect his wife found out,but not sure) In the convo with herself she said she didn't have sex with him and thought he was wrong for cheating on his wife the year before. She seemed a little bitter and seemed like she was hung up on him. 

I confronted her and she would only admit things went I brought out info from my recording. She doesn't seem like she thinks she did much wrong and that she didn't cheat on me. We talked a couple of times about it and there are still a couple of small lies she has told me and even one I confirmed from the recording. We have been doing OK since this, we are still trying to have a loving relationship but there has been talk of leaving(me).

What can I do to settle this in my mind? I don't know whether to divorce or work it out. I need advise on the steps I/we should take to fix it if we are staying together. I have asked her to make another appt at the counseler but she is reluctant because she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and move on. Any advise advice would be appreciated. Thank you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am afraid that only you can decide if you want to divorce or reconcile. Please be no doubt though. She did have an affair. It may only have been an EA but the fact she met him in a bar means that it probably was on the edge of a PA at the very least. The time when it was barely civil was the time she was having the affair. Just a guess, but it fits.

Does she still want to be married to you? It is a question you should perhaps ask her since .there is no point going to MC if one of you is not really there! 

The fact that she lied, and still is lying, to you is incredibly hurtful and to be honest I think you will never find out the real truth. 

Can you accept this?

Are you sure it is over? You may have just pushed it further underground. 


Sorry you are here. Lots of people wiser than me will give advice . Take it slowly. There is no quick fix to this. Months rather than weeks.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

04190513 said:


> Hi, my wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 10 and 7 year old boys. In the last 6 months we have been disagreeing/fighting about alot of things. It got to the point where she moved into the spare room and we only talked about nessesary things like kids, sched's etc. At this time she was going out on Friday's that kept getting later and later.


Where were your kids on these Friday nights? I assume your wife didn't take them with her, so who was watching them? And what were you doing while your wife was out?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not ridiculing anyone here... but, your wife talks to herself? About her affair, no less? 
Or did she maybe know she was being recorded...? All sounds so odd; maybe I'm not understanding.

She DID have an affair. She is NOT owning that. Start there, with MC...


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

Thanks for the replies, ya I find it wierd she talks to herself, her inside voice becomes an outside voice when shes alone and there's no chance she knew I was recording. She wouldn't volunteer the EA if she's trying to hide it.
When she was out I was at home with the kids(usually watching out the window).
I think she genuinely wants to stay married and work it out, I'm just having a hard time getting through it and can't stop thinking about it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe she didn't cheat, but now, she has the toxic idea in her head:

"Hmmm...maybe I can find someone else..."


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

04190513 said:


> When she was out I was at home with the kids(usually watching out the window).


I was afraid of that. That's the start of your problem right there: If your wife hadn't been going out on Friday nights without you, she wouldn't have been talking to other guys in bars. She could still have found a way to cheat, but it would have been a lot harder for her.

You can't stop your wife from going out alone if she's bent on doing it, but you don't have to enable that behavior either. I hope she's not still going on these Friday night outings, but if it comes up again, don't be afraid to put your foot down. If she wants to go, fine, but she'll have to find someone to watch the kids first. Then you can both go, and you won't have to wonder what she's up to.


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

Yes we have agreed she won't be going out by herself, and if we end up the same place as him we will leave immediately(we live in a small town). I don't think it will be a problem because he is the one who dissapered, thats why I think his wife found out. I was thinking of contacting her to find out if she knows or has information about it, but I'm not sure if thats a good idea.

Still waiting for her to make the MC appt, because it's through her work, I guess I'll have to ask her about it again..


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

We have been trying to reconcile, but I never had known the whole truth. I told her I needed the whole truth before I could move on. A few days later the kids were going camping with my parents so we decided to talk then. She told me the truth and I found out that this went on for 4 months instead of 2 and they met 5 times. 3 of the times they kissed. I told her I wanted a divorce and now 2 days later I don't know. I don't think I can live like this or should have to be married to someone that would do this to me, but I don't want to split my family and love my wife and kids. I guess I don't know how to make the decision. I think I would feel like less of a man if I stayed but I don't know.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

04190513 said:


> She wouldn't volunteer the EA if she's trying to hide it.
> When she was out I was at home with the kids(usually watching out the window).
> I think she genuinely wants to stay married and work it out, I'm just having a hard time getting through it and can't stop thinking about it.


She might volunteer an EA to avoid discovery of a PA - the lesser of two evils so to speak. 

If she genuinely wants to stay married she has got to give you complete transparency in her life - starting with the full and complete truth. It is up to her to restore your faith and trust in her and the marriage and do whatever it is you need for that to happen.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I would also phone the OM's wife and verify what she knows and compare notes. Trickle truth is par for the course for waywards what you have to do is get her to tell the whole truth. Now you have threatened divorce do not back down, give her a last chance and inform her you will be booking a ploygraph to verify truth. If she passes waiver the divorce and work on the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sealman1966 (Jun 30, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. 

If you are getting tired of trickle truth, you can use a tactic another poster to this forum used.

Get your wife's phone, and tell her to send the other man a text message saying "you remember that time we had sex?"

He will respond with

1. WTF are you talking about
2 Yes I do
3. Which time

You will have the truth then and can make your decisions.

The people on this forum can help you, most of them have been through it. You will find some really good advice for how to handle this situation.

Again, really sorry you are going through this. Try to stay calm, you will be on an emotional rollercoaster the next few months.


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

So sorry this is happening to you and I can definitely sympathize with the roller coaster you are on. Just take it a day at a time. With time comes clarity, I think, and you will have your decision. It is hard to make a good decision during emotional turmoil, however. Good luck!


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

I can't send him the message, he won't respond to her, I know that what they had is over. I just sent her a letter, I hope she gets it and not him. I just don't know how to make the decision, I know that only I can make it, I'm just not sure. I know I'm a very stubborn man and I think because this happened I have to end it but I don't want that, I want to be with her forever and our family to be together. On the other hand do I want to be someone that would do this to me? I don't know. Maybe more time and I will change my mind but I was very definate in a divorce, I didn't say it to work towards reconciliation.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Only you know what you can handle----You are the one who must live with the visions of her being with the other guy---whether kissing, texting, having lunch---doing whatever---it was all inapropos--but it happened, and it is your sub-conscious you have to deal with, cuz that is what is the driving force behind all your misery.

You may love your wife, but let me ask you---is this present woman you are married to---is she the same woman

You are pining for the woman you were married to long ago----she is gone---she has been replaced by a woman that has found another man, more attractive to her, than you,----can you stay with her knowing the above

This is all about what you can handle, what you wanna face as to your future----do you wanna be a parole officer from now on

Do not stay for kids, only---they will be better off in split somewhat happy homes, than in a miserable existence where you are just biding your time till they are old enuff for you to leave

If you do stay---I suggest you make her sign a POST--NUP with a DURESS clause---and you start some counseling---but bottom line is WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR A FUTURE?????


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The standard Trickle Truth, we see this all the time people, right? First it was 2 months, then now it's 4 months, and they met 5 times and merely kissed 3 times? *The truth is most likely FAR worse than that.* 04190513, 6 months ago, you stated that you started fighting a lot. That's most likely when the A got hot and heavy. I know when my WW had her EA, we started fighting so much it became unreal, and I couldnt understand why. Now I do. They start fighting with you in order to justify the A to themselves, that you're an evil man, and OM is her KISA (Knight In Shining Armor). So you can estimate that the A was at least 6 months long. 

Now that OM has gone NC with your WW, its too late to do any investigating. There is only one way now to discover the truth, and this is to have a polygraph test done. IF you can afford it, AND your WW is remorseful and willing to do anything to repair the marriage and rebuild trust, she will gladly agree to it.

Also, don't be so quick to R. She has to be ready for it, meaning she is remorseful and owns up to the A. Sounds like she isn't ready by your description since she says she hasn't done much wrong. What's happening is that you're both trying to sweep this under the rug and trying to move on. This isn't going to work, because each day that passes and she hasn't owned up to the affair, it effectively gets swept under the rug. Then your resentment begins to build up which means you aren't healing. Look at some of the other threads here where the poster said they moved on without the wayward spouse admitting or owning up to the affair, and yet years later, they still haven't begun to heal. 

It's absolutely essential that she be remorseful and owns up to the affair, if not, you will only end up with False R, and you will be as torn up as the time you first disovered it. If she won't own up to the affair and isn't remorseful, then you have to be prepared to let her go. Do the 180. Prepare for D. That is the only way to shock her out of the fog. Seriously. Look for the 180 on the net, or you can PM me.

Before you R, here is a chart that shows the difference between True Remorse, and Rug Sweeping. It was made by a poster named Fighting2Survive in another infidelity support forum. Its a very good guide. Remorse is a Pillar of Reconciliation. If she doesn't have it, you will only have False R.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

ROFL...oh, that's bad. That's real bad.



sealman1966 said:


> If you are getting tired of trickle truth, you can use a tactic another poster to this forum used.
> 
> Get your wife's phone, and tell her to send the other man a text message saying "you remember that time we had sex?"
> 
> ...


4. Fond memories


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Lord Mayhem, I miss you already. 

What a great chart. 

Even though you can't see this, thanks.

You gave great counsel.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> Lord Mayhem, I miss you already.
> 
> What a great chart.
> 
> ...


Geez, What's happened to Lordmayhem?


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Chris H banned him. 

Apparently he made a nasty post.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Pity as his advice and guidance was often very accurate and astute
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Good news! He's on a temp ban, can return in 30 days!

Lord Mayhem...be good so you can stay on the board!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Second time he has been banned. Must be a good reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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