# So just what are the responsibilities of a stay at home spouse???



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I want to hear what others think. In my mind, my spouse is doing about 1/2 of what a stay at home spouse should be doing. We have 2 middle school aged children. I work 40 hours a week.

Give me your list. Let's hear it.

1. ?
2. ?
3. ?
etc.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

1) Talk to spouse, decide together reasonable expectations.

2) Talk to spouse, decide together reasonable expectations.

3) Talk to spouse, decide together reasonable expectations.

4) ?????

5) Profit!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you go to change your baby's diaper, you are free to expect to find diamonds and jelly beans. The reality is you'll have to deal with whatever crap is there. Frustration comes from expecting Y but getting Z.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It is whatever you two have agreed upon. That being said, here is a list that I think is not unreasonable.

Laundry, ironing
Grocery shopping, cooking (5 days a week, share on weekends)
Housework (dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, cleaning)
Run errands
Chauffeur children
Overseeing homework

I would also like to point out that 2 middle-school students should be setting the table, doing the dishes, keeping their room clean, folding/putting away laundry, cleaning bathrooms (on weekends), helping with yardwork, helping clean garage/basement.

They should also be learning how to cook, sort/wash laundry, iron clothes, mend clothes (buttons, small tears, fix hems), make grocery lists, help with grocery shopping, etc. 

My grandmother was HORRIFIED when she found out my mother made my 2 brothers (as well as my sister and me) LEARN to wash clothes, iron, cook, clean, do dishes, run a sewing machine, and sew on a button. My mother's response, "I don't want them to marry some girl just so they can have a hot meal or a clean shirt." Good on ya, Mom!

You TWO need to make up a list of chores and assign them to EVERYBODY in the household lest the children grow up lazy and unwilling to help a future partner. Too many people FORGET that SAHMs usually have to cook/dishes/clean SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. They don't get weekends off like people with 'paying' jobs. Keep that in mind.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Errands, shopping, cooking, baking, cleaning, laundry, pay the bills, chauffering, homework help, assist my husband, etc.

I don't ever want my husband to regret letting me quit my job. He helps out a lot but I do most of the work around the house.

I will say this though. There isn't a whole lot of free time even when you are home. If you aren't careful lots of other things can suck your time away like friends, hobbies, the internet, etc. It's like any other self employed or work at home job it takes some serious discipline to be a homemaker and some woman just don't have it.


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## Roma (Apr 18, 2012)

Every household varies...what do you feel she should be doing and what does she do..


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Ok, thanks for the replies. This is what she does/doesn’t do (btw, we’re in our 40’s; not kids):

1.	Gets the kids off to school daily. Lunches, backpacks, etc. Has to drive them so she spends about an hour and a half a day in the car. They go to two diff schools that start/end an hour apart.
2.	During the day she does laundry, dishes, sweeping, bathrooms, vacuuming. It pretty much ends there. And she doesn’t do a great job with any of those. But she does it. 
3.	She buys groceries but not everything we need. I have to go to the store frequently.
4.	She doesn’t plan or prepare meals. I do all the cooking. At one point I asked her to take over M-F and she did it for one week and stopped.
5.	I pay the bills, do the yard, take care of the cars, etc.
6.	She only does the most obvious chores. Example: the trash can in our bedroom has not been emptied in over 3 months. Doesn’t notice burned out light bulbs and change them. Doesn’t dust in the not-so-obvious places. Things like that.
7.	Our house is a perpetual mess. She literally cannot clean a single room. She will pile things in corners because she can’t make a decision as what to do with things.
8.	She’s never held a paintbrush, planted a plant or flowers, or hung a picture or anything like that in her life.
9.	The plan was for her to return to work part time after our kid were in school, then she refused when the time came.
10.	She gets on Facebook daily, talks on the phone multiple times per day, and texts daily with her friends into the night. Not excessively, but constantly.
11.	The carpet in our house is disgusting. She doesn’t know how to clean stains and won’t call anyone to have it cleaned regularly. I’ve seen her sit on the couch watching tv while the cat is tearing up our carpet next to her and she doesn’t even notice. She can’t even change the bag on our vacuum cleaner we’ve had for 14 years.
12.	We’ve owned our house 10 years and she’s never dusted the blinds one single time. And I’ve asked her to.
13.	And the biggie….she waits on our children hand and foot and doesn’t make them do a single thing, nor teach them anything. I try and teach them and make them help out but she never does. And that’s how she was raised.

I’m not really looking for advice on how to approach her about this, fix it, etc. We have been down that road many times and went to counseling, etc., etc. I think she'll never improve. I really just wanted to make sure I wasn’t expecting too much from a spouse that is home all day and won’t work.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

Cooking or preparing 3 meals plus shacks, cleaning : windows,window seals, blinds, dusting, baseboards, fans, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms, laundry, dishes, bedrooms, bathing kids, chauffeuring, shopping, Dr appointments, book keeping, bills, extra curricular activities for the kids, homework, play with kids, make sure kids do chores, read stories to kids at bedtime....business phone calls, garden and outside cleaning, sheets, ect...this is my schedule and things I'm sure there is more that I cant think of. This keeps me busy especially because we have more appointments due to a special needs child.

There can always be a discussion at any time to reevaluate the duties and adjust them and delegate them to accommodate the couples own desire for responsibilities /time.....it is a very touchy subject to a sahm so choose how to approach it wisely.

As an example you may say honey ive noticed that you must be tired lately because of the looks of things is everything okay...are you feeling ill or unhappy with the decision to stay at home.....again even his could be offensives so tread lightly...lol.

Good luck!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BeachGuy,

You need a responsible adult to supervise your kids while you are not around. Having someone to do the laundry, no matter how badly, is a big help because it takes a lot of time and if you had to do that all yourself, it would really put a big dent in your off-work time. Other than this, anything else that gets done is a big bonus. My suggestion is for you to come up with one or two tasks per day and try to orient her toward getting them done. It sounds to me like you want her to be self directed, to see and do what needs to be done. I text my wife during the day with little jobs I need done and more often than not, they are done when I get home.

Believe me, you are way ahead of the game here. Concentrate on working with what you have.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You are not expecting too much, however - it sounds to me like she is just a slob, or a "princess". Either way I am betting she was like this way before you had kids? People who live in filth are just not going to be the type to "notice" when the blinds need to be cleaned or the corners dusted or whatever. They are usually not detail-oriented. 

I am a bit over the top when it comes to cleaning, a bit OCD. I have been that way my whole life. My husband is not a slob by any means but he is OK with a level of dirt that is beyond what I can tolerate. Rather than berate him all the time because he does not clean the bathroom floor behind the toilet, or always misses one spot of the kitchen counter, I take over the jobs that I know I want done to a certain specification. I praise him for helping me on those things because the effort was kind, and I own my extreme perceptions as my own problem, not his.

Do you ever leave her a honey-do list? When I stayed at home my husband would leave me one, and I didn't mins it at all. It often contained those things that are time consuming like sitting on the phone to dispute a bill or making appointments for the carpet cleaning you mentioned. You said she doesn't get all of the groceries...do you send her with a list and she just misses things? 

All of your complaints could be fixed by hiring a cleaning service. Even if you aren't able to force your wife to do the work, you will come home to a clean house and remove some of your own stress. That would be worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

kag123 said:


> All of your complaints could be fixed by hiring a cleaning service. Even if you aren't able to force your wife to do the work, you will come home to a clean house and remove some of your own stress. That would be worth it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hire a cleaning service??? When I have a wife that refuses to work and is home all day? Not a chance.

I've tried the honey-do list route. As long as it's very simple things, she does them. But I put "dust the blinds" on it once and she never did it. Or any of the things that require effort.

She was raised this way. She's not a slob but she is a princess (without even knowing it). She thinks she's a good housekeeper and homemaker. Even thought she can't clean or cook.


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## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

With my ex-husband, I handled pretty much everything:

1. Finances (except investments).
2. Kept the house spotless and organized.
3. Did all cooking...always made sure we had something special for dinner and packed homemade lunches that he liked.
4. Took care of gifts for his friends and family.
5. Always had great food and drinks when his friends were over.
6. I almost always made sure the chores were finished before he came home so that we could play together...(i.e...play music and sports, and make love).

However, none of these things were done out of sense of responsibility but rather out of Love and Appreciation. I loved this man, and what I did for him arose from my desire to make him content and feel loved by the woman he married. Everything I did was an expression of my love for him, so I never viewed any of it in terms of responsibility. 

When things were "good" between us, he was the happiest man in the world, and often insisted on hiring someone else to clean and do errands so that I could devote more time to my own interests. (I hired someone twice and decided I could do a better job). We never once argued about finances or who/how the house was run. 

Perhaps, your dissatisfaction with your wife isn't necessarily about how little she is cooking/cleaning/etc, but rather her not making an effort to make you feel special and loved...what do you think? Did she ever (before or after marriage) make you feel like the most special man in the world?



BeachGuy said:


> I want to hear what others think. In my mind, my spouse is doing about 1/2 of what a stay at home spouse should be doing. We have 2 middle school aged children. I work 40 hours a week.
> 
> Give me your list. Let's hear it.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I bet if you hired a really hot woman in a french maid outfit (who showed up only when you were there) she wouldn't have to work more than just a few minutes before you'd see your wife miraculously healed and fully capable of taking care of the house without hired assistance.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your expectations are not unreasonable, but it sounds like she, for whatever reason, isn't living up to them. So you have some choices. Either you accept her the way she is and hire a cleaning service, or get out of the marriage, or do it yourself. Seriously. Dictating to her what she should be doing with her OWN time isn't going to get you what you want. She isn't your maid, she's your wife. It won't work that way. SHE has to decide to change her own ways - you cannot change her. The two of you have different views on what 'clean' is it sounds like.

What do you do around the house?


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## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

I wanted to add that we didn't have any children at this point and acknowledge that children do change relationships.



Marielle said:


> With my ex-husband, I handled pretty much everything:
> 
> 1. Finances (except investments).
> 2. Kept the house spotless and organized.
> ...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Your expectations are not unreasonable, but it sounds like she, for whatever reason, isn't living up to them. So you have some choices. Either you accept her the way she is and hire a cleaning service, or get out of the marriage, or do it yourself. Seriously. Dictating to her what she should be doing with her OWN time isn't going to get you what you want. She isn't your maid, she's your wife. It won't work that way. SHE has to decide to change her own ways - you cannot change her. The two of you have different views on what 'clean' is it sounds like.
> 
> What do you do around the house?


While I don't disagree with this, I do think the logical next step is to cut off her access to the money. If she is going to think about it as her OWN time, then he can certainly think of it as his OWN money. 

Having said that, I really hate that idea, and yet I don't have any good ideas for a solution.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I don't disagree with this, I do think the logical next step is to cut off her access to the money. If she is going to think about it as her OWN time, then he can certainly think of it as his OWN money.
> 
> Having said that, I really hate that idea, and yet I don't have any good ideas for a solution.


The princesses I've known in my circle I've always wondered WHY the husbands put up with it? These women put their kids in daycare, hire housekeepers so they are free to shop and have lunch with all their friends.

What other boss would allow that? I'm no submissive wallflower but my husband is the boss in the sense of he pays for my life and my side of the bargain is to take care of the home. It's my JOB and if I didn't do it I totally would lose respect for him if he allowed me to keep my cushy life while I sat on my ass and did nothing all day. I may not collect a paycheck in the working sense but yes I feel as if I should contribute to this household.

I don't like this idea either but what other choice is there??

If I were a man I'd be cutting off the internet, cable and other niceties after WE came up with a reasonble list of duties. I wouldn't just hand over money for nothing. I'm totally against homemakers not doing their job but expecting still to get paid for it. It's crazy.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Marielle said:


> Perhaps, your dissatisfaction with your wife isn't necessarily about how little she is cooking/cleaning/etc, but rather her not making an effort to make you feel special and loved...what do you think? Did she ever (before or after marriage) make you feel like the most special man in the world?


I think you are 100% correct. And no, she has never made me feel like "the most special man in the world". She's always admired me for being smart and successful, but has treated me like I'm her father forever.

I read the book "The Five Love Languages" a few years ago, which makes it plain and simple to understand how to make your partner feel loved. I got her to read it and she liked it. But she continued to treat me in a way that she likes to be treated, which is not my "love language" and did not make me feel loved.

When I was growing up, it was all about my dad. In my house, it's all about my wife first, then the kids, then the dog and cat, THEN me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Cutting off her money would be treating her like a maid again - implying that since she isn't doing the work she won't be paid. I don't like that idea either.

I have to reiterate that you cannot change her. You can only change yourself. You can change how you react to what she does, you cannot change what she does. Or in this case doesn't do.

I really think the only thing you can do is accept the fact she is the way she is and then decide what YOU are going to do about it. ie stay married or not, do more yourself or not, hire a cleaning person or not.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Hire a cleaning service??? When I have a wife that refuses to work and is home all day? Not a chance.
> 
> I've tried the honey-do list route. As long as it's very simple things, she does them. But I put "dust the blinds" on it once and she never did it. Or any of the things that require effort.
> 
> She was raised this way. She's not a slob but she is a princess (without even knowing it). She thinks she's a good housekeeper and homemaker. Even thought she can't clean or cook.


You proved my point in your response.

No matter what you think, SHE thinks she is doing an A+ job. Her perspective is warped for whatever reason - did she grow up being catered to, or live in a house that was constantly dirty? The point is, not much you can do to change her perception at this point in her life. 

The only thing you have control over is yourself. You said this isn't a new issue, you've been around the block, been to counseling, etc. So, you aren't winning this one. The question is - can you learn to live with a wife that just isnt going to be a great housekeeper or cook? 

You have three options here...

1 - Constantly get on her @ss about it, give her performance reviews, etc. How do you think this will play out? 

2 - Live with things the way that they are, bearing most of the work yourself. How's that working for you currently?

3 - Decide on your own to do something to relieve some of your own stress and responsibility, by looking at an outside source - which is why I suggested the house cleaning service. If you can't MAKE your wife clean, the least you can do is give yourself a break and not have to do it yourself on your time off.

I don't think you are going to change her. 

I personally think that trying anything underhanded - such as taking away her money, refusing to clean up her portions of the house, or whatever - is not going to get you any satisfaction. I think you will end up more frustrated in the long run, because her perception is that things are fine the way that they are and SHE does not think she is doing a bad job currently. Why play games? 

I think you need to learn a way to peacefully let this go or consider divorcing her over it.


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## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I think you are 100% correct. And no, she has never made me feel like "the most special man in the world". She's always admired me for being smart and successful, but has treated me like I'm her father forever.
> 
> I read the book "The Five Love Languages" a few years ago, which makes it plain and simple to understand how to make your partner feel loved. I got her to read it and she liked it. But she continued to treat me in a way that she likes to be treated, which is not my "love language" and did not make me feel loved.
> 
> When I was growing up, it was all about my dad. In my house, it's all about my wife first, then the kids, then the dog and cat, THEN me.


Oh I see...I'm sorry you're living in this situation...

I hope I'm not prying, but did your parents ever make you feel valued, important and loved? If so, how much did you feel it?


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

im not a stay at home mom... cuz we dont have kids (thank god), but i work 20-30 hours a week while my hubs works 60-70. but i have all the responsibilities of the home. my husband doesnt help me AT ALL with ANYTHING around the house. dishes, laundry, trash, food... i do all that ****. if my husband wasnt satisfied with the way i clean then its not really my problem, and he's more than welcome to either do it himself or find another solution because i know i'm doing the best i can. and housework is thankless and you dont get paid and it's hard work. i know you said that you help a lot, but you also complain a lot. i cant imagine having kids on top of everything else i do. i think you might need to offer a little compassion... i bet you check your FB and internet stuff during the day or when you get home from work as well... its not a freakin sin to take a break after dealing with whining and complaining kids. 

i'd say instead of getting pissed off at your wife for not cleaning to your standards give the chores to the kids or hire a maid. it seems like you're being a bit of a drama queen when the answer is pretty simple.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Beachguy...that sucks! It doesn't sound like she is doing her fair share...

My H lovingly calls this place 'his soft place to fall'. He comes home and the place is clean and tidy and warm. Usually dinner is cooking or on it's way and i have a ribbon in my hair  (or at least i'm clean & tidy with my lippy in place) 

I work from home (growing veges/fruit and herbs) and basically do everything on the inside and everything on the outside. My kids have chores to help out but i consider it my job.

Having said that...H does get rid of any dead bodies my cats or dog brings home and he lifts heavy things for me with his enormously strong arms.

I think your getting a raw deal here...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You could reduce expenses and streamline your home and life so that you could support it all on a part time job, then you could spend half your time keeping half the house you have now, maybe even a small apartment. If your wife wanted it some other way, then she could be free to make some income to make the changes. Honestly, you can only control what you do. Your wifey isn't into housekeeping, at least not on someone else's terms. Here is the bottom line, if you are concerned about your children YOU need to find a way to spend more time with them to be able to teach them YOUR values. The way to do this is to cut back on work, and if you cut back on work, then you need to downsize your life, considering you are the only one who agrees with the standards you are setting then you are the one who is going to be meeting them. Your wife is her own person. You can't make someone else behave the way you want them to. But you can change what you do. Who knows, you might find the new lifestyle refreshing, in terms of not having to stress so much and having more time to create the type of home that you would like, with your own energy, vs. trying to direct a play from halfway around the world in a different language and a different culture entirely, and have it be a Broadway hit.

I live in a small apartment, I keep up with the housekeeping, but I have time for my kids, we live 1/2 mile from their school and mine, and I work from home. I have time to make cookies and hang laundry out on the line, not all the time but a good deal of the time. Yah, sometimes it gets messy but I ususally have a feel for juggling priorities and try to clean when I'm in the mood so as to maximize my efforts efficiently. I have a few hobbies, I go to the gym, I take ballroom dance, I volunteer at an independent film theater, I hang out with friends or go to events, kayak, hike, bicycle, walk my dog, etc. Having a big house and fancy schools for my kids that require me driving them there...that lifestyle just isn't for me. I like to feel fresh air on my face. You can't do that in a big house and in a car for that amount of time every day. It's plain unhealthy, I don't care how many upstanding citizens do it every day. It's sick. There needs to be a compromise somewhere. This lifestyle is obviously not working for the health of everyone in your family. Ask the kids for ideas. They generally will know what they're talking about, they also get to go round to other people's houses and will know what kind of home they would like to grow up in. I think most of the time the children in a house can speak up for changes and have some good ideas about how to make everyone happy, children tend to be fair. And they are the reason the home exists, it would seem, at this point, since you are at odds with your wife...


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## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

Maybe she is depressed? Maybe that is the reason she has no goals or direction? Maybe try being supportive and communicate with her about your concerns in a non confrontational way and see if that helps.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She's lazy...and she just don't wanna.

So like the others have said, you have choices.

1. Go on like it is 
2. Do it yourself
3. Leave

If you don't like how something is working in your life, you do what YOU can do to change it. You know you can't make her do it, you can't convince her to WANT to do it, and she isn't going to do it well enough anyway. 

So what are YOU going to do?


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## PrincessMarie (Feb 22, 2012)

I noticed male SAHS don't do diddly squat. They just sit on their bums and say they couldn't do anything because they were chasing the kid all day while the house looks 2x worse than what you left it. While female SAHS are expected to do absolutely everything under the sun and then some.

I work 40+ hours a week, but my husband still expects me to prepare all meals, schedule all appointments, clean the entire house which is always destroyed when I get home and then expect no love, affection or praise in return.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Marielle said:


> Oh I see...I'm sorry you're living in this situation...
> 
> I hope I'm not prying, but did your parents ever make you feel valued, important and loved? If so, how much did you feel it?


That's a tough question. I guess I would lean towards "no". I used to tell my mom repeatedly as a kid that my dad didn't love me. I have a great relationship with them as an adult though.

Some more info...we separated twice in the past 3 years. I tried to file uncontested divorce and she made some noise about having to "move back home" (300 miles away) if she "couldn't survive" as a divorced mom. Complete and utter nonsense because what she really meant was she'd run home to her parents and let them take care of her so she wouldn't have to get a job or have responsibilities. So I went back home against my will and stopped with the divorce. Which of course is just what she wanted but I couldn't risk her taking my children that far away.

So now I'm just biding my time until I have the money saved up to hire a lawyer and file contested. I feel sure the judge will say neither of us can move until the kids are 18 or whatever. I have friends here who divorced and said that's pretty standard in FL.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying being back under the same roof as my kids and my pets and my house. I started first of the year trying to clean up one room at a time since she can't do it. I'm trying my best to make a bad situation better but I just get so aggravated with her childlike mind. I mean come on...she can't even plan and prepare dinner during the week? There is NO excuse for that. None.

I can't stand the thought of not living with my kids but it's either that or just stay completely stressed out for the next 10 years. I haven't decided 100% yet that I'll even do it, but I'll make that decision once I have the money saved up by the end of summer. It's not like the kids don't know we're not happy being married. Which of course isn't good for them.

I know she'll never change. Not in a million years.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

cory275 said:


> im not a stay at home mom... cuz we dont have kids (thank god), but i work 20-30 hours a week while my hubs works 60-70. but i have all the responsibilities of the home. my husband doesnt help me AT ALL with ANYTHING around the house. dishes, laundry, trash, food... i do all that ****. if my husband wasnt satisfied with the way i clean then its not really my problem, and he's more than welcome to either do it himself or find another solution because i know i'm doing the best i can. and housework is thankless and you dont get paid and it's hard work. i know you said that you help a lot, but you also complain a lot. i cant imagine having kids on top of everything else i do. i think you might need to offer a little compassion... i bet you check your FB and internet stuff during the day or when you get home from work as well... its not a freakin sin to take a break after dealing with whining and complaining kids.
> 
> i'd say instead of getting pissed off at your wife for not cleaning to your standards give the chores to the kids or hire a maid. it seems like you're being a bit of a drama queen when the answer is pretty simple.


Goodnesss....somebody got a chip on their shoulder about what their husband doesn't do? Geez....don't take it out on me.

Sounds like you're assuming my wife works as hard as you do when she's nowhere close to what a normal sahm would do.


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## Valley (Apr 24, 2012)

I was a stay at home mom for years. I took all morning to clean. I gave myself after lunch to do whatever I wanted until the kids got home. I think your wife is too entitled. 

I would be putting the hammer down because she is setting the example for your children. If you don't intervene your kids are going to be the same way.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> I think you are 100% correct. And no, she has never made me feel like "the most special man in the world". She's always admired me for being smart and successful, but has treated me like I'm her father forever.
> 
> I read the book "The Five Love Languages" a few years ago, which makes it plain and simple to understand how to make your partner feel loved. I got her to read it and she liked it. But she continued to treat me in a way that she likes to be treated, which is not my "love language" and did not make me feel loved.
> 
> When I was growing up, it was all about my dad. In my house, it's all about my wife first, then the kids, then the dog and cat, THEN me.


Beach,

I think you are on to something here. It is not unreasonable to expect what you grew up with but because you wife grew up differently, your expectations may not be easily met.

Some of this difference is cultural and some is generational but I have seen a distinct pattern where women who grow up with a weak or absent father figure present the "husband last" priority structure like you describe in their adult marital relationships


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Cutting off her money would be treating her like a maid again - implying that since she isn't doing the work she won't be paid. I don't like that idea either.


I don't like it either, but doing nothing is treating her like a child. She does minimal chores but still expects him to work full time, make money to pay the bills and keep her in the way she deserves. In that sense, he has to maintain his investment in the marriage while she does not. Not sure that works either.



> I have to reiterate that you cannot change her. You can only change yourself. You can change how you react to what she does, you cannot change what she does. Or in this case doesn't do.


Absolutely agree that she has to change. He can't make her.



> I really think the only thing you can do is accept the fact she is the way she is and then decide what YOU are going to do about it. ie stay married or not, do more yourself or not, hire a cleaning person or not.


While the OP does need to make these decision, I would recommend following it up with other actions as well. The cost of the cleaning service should come out of her budget, not his. The time he spends doing the housework should come out of the time he spends with her, not with the kids or his own free time. He should be very clear why this is, but to do otherwise says that her desire for free time is of paramount importance.


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## Marielle (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi BeachGuy,

I was a little concerned that my question might have been too personal, so I'm glad you got back to me. I think I'm getting a better grasp on your situation...You must feel trapped in a very frustrating and painful life. I don't want to just throw out quick answers, so I would like to think on what you're dealing with a bit more (it's pretty complicated right?). I'll get back to you later after some thought. Until then, hope you have a good day. 




BeachGuy said:


> That's a tough question. I guess I would lean towards "no". I used to tell my mom repeatedly as a kid that my dad didn't love me. I have a great relationship with them as an adult though.
> 
> Some more info...we separated twice in the past 3 years. I tried to file uncontested divorce and she made some noise about having to "move back home" (300 miles away) if she "couldn't survive" as a divorced mom. Complete and utter nonsense because what she really meant was she'd run home to her parents and let them take care of her so she wouldn't have to get a job or have responsibilities. So I went back home against my will and stopped with the divorce. Which of course is just what she wanted but I couldn't risk her taking my children that far away.
> 
> ...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Marielle said:


> You must feel trapped in a very frustrating and painful life.


You can't even imagine how frustrating it has been. I've tried and tried and tried again to fix our relationship but I can't do it if she's not willing to work on it too. But like I've said....she thinks she IS doing good things. But everyone that knows our details says she just doesn't get it. Even our counselor has given up on her. Her best friend confided in me that she wants to just grab her by the shoulders and shake her and say "What's wrong with you???" I know I'm no perfect husband. Far from it. But I used to be. Before she threw me under bus after we had kids. It's just been all downhill since then.

I guess it's back to what I already knew. Either live with it, or leave. That's like trying to decide which arm to cut off.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I'm a "career" SAHM. I've been a SAHM from the day we were married. Generally I see my main duties as...

1) care for the kids-- makes sure they're fed decent food, in clean clothes, bathed, not vegetating in front of the TV, getting homework done, getting them to school on time, picking them up from school, negotiating fights and squabbles, just generally keeping them in a good environment and good state of mind

2) all grocery shopping

3) all cooking

4) all laundry

5) my fair share of cleaning-- I clean but I'm not a maid and household members above a certain age can pick up after themselves, clean their own rooms, and help clean common areas like bathrooms, kitchen, living rooms etc. The house isn't spotless but it's presentable

6) all yardwork that I'm physically capable of

My son does dishes and trash hauling for an allowance but otherwise I'd be doing that.

Some days I'm more productive than others. And if my husband doesn't like the job I'm doing I usually respond with some variation of... "You have two arms and two legs that work, pitch in to help out." That usually shuts him up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel very bad for husband's who work full time and come home to a disasterous house... when thier wives have the privilege to stay at home...I have always considered it a Privilege. My husband never made Big bucks yet we were able to survive with me staying home. I would feel terribly worthless if I didn't do my part. I also feel my husband has the harder end of the stick. Even with 6 kids. At one time, we had 4 under the age of 6, and 2 was in diapers...and I even used cloth & hung them on the line, I never complained about the work. I just felt so blessed I was able to stay home, Moms that work have it so much harder !! 

I do literally everything there is to do within the house so when he comes home, he has nothing to help me with...Personally I enjoy his time, so I wouldn't want him to have to help me.

There is always other things I "can't" do - like fixing the car, a tree over the driveway- getting out the chain saw could be dangerous! Getting up on the roof to patch a leak..Nope, that can wait for him! I leave my husband the HARD manly stuff that requires power tools, stamina & patience. I do ALL the mundane chores around the house... and still I have time to monkey around on here while my laptop sits in the kitchen. 

I keep the Calendar, do all the bills, scheduling, researching, Doc Appointments, we Grocery shop together sometimes, all the cooking unless the kids help me. Every dish, all laundry, I am a stricker about a clean floor. One thing he does do for me...he helps them with thier homework, as I have little patience for this.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

PrincessMarie said:


> I noticed male SAHS don't do diddly squat. They just sit on their bums and say they couldn't do anything because they were chasing the kid all day while the house looks 2x worse than what you left it. While female SAHS are expected to do absolutely everything under the sun and then some.
> 
> I work 40+ hours a week, but my husband still expects me to prepare all meals, schedule all appointments, clean the entire house which is always destroyed when I get home and then expect no love, affection or praise in return.


I noticed that females with SAHH like to generalize. While I am not a SAHD, I know some that work exceptionally hard. Also, there are many men who also work and help out at home, even with SAHMs. So, I do not think it is a gender thing - laziness/delusions can be as universal as hard work.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel very bad for husband's who work full time and come home to a disasterous house... when thier wives have the privilege to stay at home...I have always considered it a Privilege. My husband never made Big bucks yet we were able to survive with me staying home. I would feel terribly worthless if I didn't do my part. I also feel my husband has the harder end of the stick. Even with 6 kids. At one time, we had 4 under the age of 6, and 2 was in diapers...and I even used cloth & hung them on the line, I never complained about the work. I just felt so blessed I was able to stay home, Moms that work have it so much harder !!
> 
> I do literally everything there is to do within the house so when he comes home, he has nothing to help me with...Personally I enjoy his time, so I wouldn't want him to have to help me.
> 
> ...


Do you have a twin sister that wants to get married???? :rofl:

Man....your husband is one lucky man. Good on ya!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> Do you have a twin sister that wants to get married???? :rofl:
> 
> Man....your husband is one lucky man. Good on ya!


 Ha ha Sorry Beach Guy, I was an only child. 

I think the fact my upbringing was rather tough... that nasty step mother of mine WORKED me hard....she had little mercy on me...but you know what, it taught me to not be lazy and do my share..and do it well.....I didn't want to catch hell. 

I am kinda rough on my kids too, I don't wait on my sons hand & foot -cause this may cause issues in thier marraige down the road EXPECTING their wives to get them every cup of coffee & pick up all their dirty laundry ...when she might be working...likely she will. If the wife isn't , she simply needs to take care of that house, get up for her husband every day...minimize his stress. Learn some multitasking during the day. 

But don't look up "multitasking housewives" on your computer ... last time I did that- looking for a good link on a thread like this, I got a trojan and it crashed my laptop - ha ha ! (seriously)

We all need to do our part. Or we should if we want a happy man walking through that door every day.


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## TKIGuy (Mar 14, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Ok, thanks for the replies. This is what she does/doesn’t do (btw, we’re in our 40’s; not kids):
> 
> 1.	Gets the kids off to school daily. Lunches, backpacks, etc. Has to drive them so she spends about an hour and a half a day in the car. They go to two diff schools that start/end an hour apart.
> 2.	During the day she does laundry, dishes, sweeping, bathrooms, vacuuming. It pretty much ends there. And she doesn’t do a great job with any of those. But she does it.
> ...


Hmm, I would suspect my wife was living a double a life but given she doesn't keep up with the one she has I doubt she is also living one with you!

I dealt with this for a long time and it is hard. I wanted her to change but she can't/won't. I think she would if she could, but it's just not who she is. I knew this about her before I married her, but I thought it would change. So after some years of fighting with her and watching our relationship deteriorate I had to make a choice. I was either going to leave her or tolerate her. I do love her, even if I don't love this part of who she is. I am at fault for thinking she was going to change, after all she was not deceitful, she was always a messy person. So it's not fair of me to blame her for not becoming the person I want her to be. Should she try harder, probably. Could she make more effort, sure. But at the end of the day it's just not who she is. I made my peace with it and while my house is messy and I'm not happy about it. Our household is more peaceful.

You need to determine if your wife is capable or not. If she is just being lazy then you may want to try and push harder, you could go the route of not doing things she expects from you until she does what you expect but that can take you down a bad road so be sure that is what you are prepared for. If at the end of the day she just can't get it together like my wife then you have to ask yourself if you can just accept her for who she is even if it isn't what you wanted. You know that whole "for better or worse" part......


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have to agree with TKIGuy's words ...his experience. I believe people are either CLEAN about housekeeping or LAX, very few have I seen change in their lives. 

My Mother in Law in such a Hoarder, she would blow those people on TV out of the water, how did his dad handle this...he never stayed home..out playing Poker with the guys every night. Funny he came from a family whose houses were so clean & organized, you could eat off the floor , maybe even feel bad if you walked on their carpet. 

It was THE LARGEST argument/disconnect in their marriage...but they stayed together. It never changed, she kept hoarding, he would just not stay home, he was embarrassed to have his own relatives come to the house. She was always saying she was tired. Her dad was a messy, and her 2 brothers also were like this, junk collectors. 

Thankfully for me, my husband takes after his DAD, or likely I would be screaming !! I hate clutter, I need my house to be "in order" before I can relax. I think people are geared one way or the other. 

I have friends, they are both messys.. they are fine with it . I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was them -- but hey, they are great people, would give you the shirt off thier backs.. I love 'em....but I couldn't be married to one of them, it would cause alot of fights. 

What is her family members like ???

Is it depression (this can also manifest itself in just loosing interest in household duties)...or is this just a gene in her family -this is how she is geared , she doesn't see these things as issues. If that is the case... you will likely just be banging your head against the wall. 

Seems a shame you have to cook though! At least you 2 should work on sharing that responsibility.


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## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

I do it all - including the typical "manly jobs" like cutting the grass and getting the cars serviced. Homework, chauffeur duties, bills, financial planning, wiring the TV, caulking the shower -- all me. Anything I cant handle myself, I hire out.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

beachguy, i think the others are correct in that if she won't work then she needs to have everything done and make home as comfortable as possible for you. 

i do think she is doing quite a bit.

i work 40 hours a week and my husband has been home for 7 months now and won't look for work and he does nothing at home.

i wont hijack your thread though ill open my own about it


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Cutting off her money would be treating her like a maid again - implying that since she isn't doing the work she won't be paid. I don't like that idea either.
> 
> I have to reiterate that you cannot change her. You can only change yourself. You can change how you react to what she does, you cannot change what she does. Or in this case doesn't do.
> 
> I really think the only thing you can do is accept the fact she is the way she is and then decide what YOU are going to do about it. ie stay married or not, do more yourself or not, hire a cleaning person or not.


I was just thinking the same thing, maybe if the OP complimented her on the work that she does do, she would do more. The same works with children, although, I am not calling his wife a child. 

She might feel taken advantage of. It might not be 'her thing' to be a housewife. She might feel that it is too much for her to do. She might need him to step up and be the leader. There could be many reasons why, but if he doesn't talk to her about it, he will never know.


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## superstar5 (Apr 13, 2012)

Well two other possibilities for not keeping up on household I didn't see mentioned are 
1. people asking for favors alot - since my kids both started school fulltime, friends and family members see me as a person readily available to help them with this and that all the time. 
2. The routine of household chores=insanity after a while. Isn't there a saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again? I get so sick of the routine I occationally have melt downs and slip into depression for a day or two and my husband may come home to me in pjs not having done much all day ... but then I get regrouped and get things back in order again.

Now I have questions on opinions on the flip side of things.. is it reasonable for a housewife to take a couple hours once or twice a month during the day while husband is working and have fun time out with friends? I still get supper ready and house is reasonably clean, but my husband seems to get jealous and jerky with me when I have fun days or help someone days. He also acts jealous during kids summer vacation when he hears of me taking kids to beach, and fun activities for kids he complains that we got to have fun while he had to work and then says we need to cut back on spending, no more kids activities, when we have plenty, and I know because I do bills, etc.. and to top it off grandmas often pay for these activities. However, he still gets grumpy that we had fun and he didn't, funny thing is he never wants to do these activites when I suggest doing them as family on weekend, etc. so I purposely pick these activities during summer break days. So basically hes not mad he's missing out, he's mad we had fun day and he had to work, although its not entirely fun for me, time with the kids is precious and watching them have fun is rewarding, but days with them and their friends are quite exhausting for me all the bathroom breaks, meals, snacks, loudness, getting into freezing water with youngest who can't swim and getting splashed in face is not exactly fun me time.
I am a hard worker, people often tell me that. I average maybe 1/2 to hr tv a day, sometimes none, sometimes more. I work part time for my parents business 6-10 hrs a week, I do all the cleaning, bills, yardwork, shopping, care of children, help with husbands business, errands for business and family. Birthdays, school events, kids afterschool activities, and family entertainment all is organized and taken care of by me If we have people over for grill out, I go get the drinks food etc and spend hours preparing and he takes the plate of prepared burgers and steaks, etc puts them on grill, flips and he takes the credit for how great a cook he is, even though I preped and seasoned and picked out the quality of meat, and cleaned the grill prior, etc, etc. Also the following day or two I am the one having to clean up while he watches tv or snoozes and asks about lunch. I never get on his case to do anything, all his friends say hes so lucky because I let him do whatever he wants and I do. I want him to have fun and be happy, There has been many times he went out to bars on weeknights with friends while I stayed with kids and I was happy for him and happy for me to have tv to myself . So I really don't understand why my husband acts jerky with me when I take a day or evening to relax and he works, why can't he be happy for me?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm not exactly a SAHM, as I work 12 hours a week over 2 days. But this is what I do;

- all food, menu planning, grocery shopping. I make sure we all (me, my husband and our 2 daughters, 5 and 2) have good, healthy, home made meals and snacks. I make my husband breakfast and lunch, or make sure he knows there are leftovers to take.
- majority of scheduling with the kids. We share drop off and pick ups on my work days. I'm planning to homeschool, so I do a fair bit of preparation and reading about that
- day to day tidying. I'm messy, but I keep the kitchen clean at least and try to pick up toys once a day
-extra tasks, like sorting outgrown clothes, restocking the craft area, looking after appliances.
-pet care
-some gardening

-laundry is shared now. I used to do it all, but wasn't coping with it, it was really piling up. He does lots of laundry now, which I really appreciate.

I don't dust or clean blinds really. We have a cleaner once a week for floors and bathroom. Before I went back to work I did that too, although not particularly well. Sometimes I do some extra organizing or sorting. 

I have my 2 year old with me all the time, ahe comes to work with me. 

Sounds like you're out the door anyway. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Your question, Take care of what needs to be done at HOME.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I was a SAHM for 8 years and felt that I needed to justify the expense of having one parent at home. I took on "everything that needs to be done at home." That way, my H didn't have to stress about it, he could focus on what he did best which was supporting the wife and family as best he could. On the weekends, we all did stuff together, like in the garden or going places--I didn't feel like we needed to waste our time together on household type stuff. My job was to keep us healthy and happy to make it affordable to have a mom at home. I felt like it was a good investment. We ate well, the kids were healthy, the H didn't have to worry about the basics. My job was to keep things running smoothly. 

That said, just doing housework is the most bloody boring job on the planet. After a while you just don't care. As someone once said, it's like stringing beads with no knot in the string, or raking leaves in a windstorm. Over and over and over, same old thing, then people come and mess it up again and there is NO sense of accomplishment.

So I expanded my definition of my job. I designed and contracted for home improvements so that over the years we invested in our house and it grew in value. I also learned to do our finances, and we did well in the stock market. I ended up feeling like I really was a professional at the SAHM thing. But it isn't just about housework.

Maybe what your W is missing is that sense of accomplishment. Being stuck at home can definitely make you feel second class and depressed. It takes work to feel accomplished at being the at-home spouse. Maybe she doesn't know how to upgrade the job to something worth doing.


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## dhiggins (Jul 15, 2012)

I am in a similar situation. 
I am a stay at home father of a 3 year old girl. I have been searching for work but have not been offered anything yet. 
I do the laundry, cook, clean, drive my wife to work and pick her up( she works in NYC and takes train, so I could take her at 3-4 am and pick her up after midnight sometimes.) take care of our daughter, take care of yard, etc. 
My wife shows no appreciation for anything I do, calls me lazy, says what I do is not work, but my responsibility since I "don't pay the bills". She is doing a birthday party in NJ soon, ( total 10+ hours driving and waiting for her), and according to her" I should do it and she should no ask for any compensation for me. I could list WAY more, but I'll just start here.

I'm 33, she's 25( on Nov. 1). 
Someone please give me advice, I am so lost right now. Thanks


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