# Husband has moved out



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Hi

Married 18 years, 2 teenagers. Early in July husband told me he was moving out and needs space. It came as a shock. He said he couldn’t understand why it would as he hasn’t been happy for months. He is renting a place nearby. I have asked if there’s someone else, he says no, I haven’t doubted that he’s been truthful about this. He’s very honest. He’s a great father. He said he wants more from life. He enjoys the great outdoors and sport. I have always known he needs space for this throughout our relationship. 

In retrospect I did take his distance and quietness for contentment. We do argue (always have) but we’ve also always been a good team. Both work hard and are often tired. The relationship hadn’t been prioritised, I realise this now. 

He says he can’t make any promises that he’ll return home. I don’t ask anymore and am respecting his decision. It’s so hard though. I was doing OK and starting to feel better then today my stomach is in knots again. Please any words of support? My mum and dad have both passed away now, I miss them anyway but especially at this time. Feel very alone and afraid and I don’t want to keep bothering my friends for support (though they are very understanding and supportive). 

Thank you for reading this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would he be agreeable to counselling as a couple?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What you wrote about his reasoning doesn't make any sense. There is another woman.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Sorry to hear that. It is a shock after so long. 
It sounds like you do want him back. 
It would be hard not to keep asking if he has any plans to come back. I would ask if he wants to go counselling but they will ask you each what you want to get out of it. 

My understanding is that sometimes you can grieve for your loss of relationship to the point where it does not matter if they come back or not. This is why you need some hopeful sign if you would like him back.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Hello, Delilah1971 – 

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. Your husband has moved out of your house. If you two are no longer having sex, then he is either meeting his own sexual needs or has found someone else. You gut is raising red flags, and people around this site say to trust your gut. How long have you been separated? Do you all still communicate? He is starting separation, the beginning phase of terminating the marriage. If you two just separated, then your needs – emotional, sexual – will go unmet, and other people will start to fill these needs. He seems wrong, and this is unfair to you. You likely deserve better than this!

I wish you well.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you. I asked him initially if he’d consider counselling and he said no. We had bereavement/marriage therapy combined after my parents died and it didn’t help that much. I was in a bad way at that time and took a lot of my grief out on him, but gradually I and our marriage recovered. 

A few days after leaving he did say he’d consider counselling but hasn’t mentioned it since. He says the solution is him moving out. He needs time. But can’t make any promises all will be well and he’ll return. 

My gut instinct at times has not been good re another woman. I had noticed secrecy over the phone. Hiding it. Blocks of time unaccounted for (but as previously mentioned he’s always enjoyed being outdoors). There is a particular female friend he has on social media I feel a little uncomfortable about (he likes all her posts). They have a shared hobby, when he met her she had a boyfriend but they’ve split now. I may be just reading too much into those things. 

When I have asked him he has always said it’s not about someone else, he’s been very unhappy and at times he has placed all the blame for him leaving on me. 

He’s very loyal and has excellent morals. If there is someone else I believe this would be extremely difficult for him.

He seems very happy with his life. Cheerful and normal. I am putting on a front where I can but I’m in bits inside. 

I really am very grateful for all the replies and quite surprised at how many of you have kindly taken time to read my post.

I feel alright one day and desperate the next but am digging deep to keep things calm and upbeat between us.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Sorry, meant to respond to DoesItGetBetters question: he moved out nearly 3 months ago. 

The grief:marriage counselling we had before was 10 yrs ago.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Unfortunately, a lot of time people say it isn't someone else, they are just unhappy. They are unhappy because thing are pining for, or engaged with someone else, so of course being at home with you makes him unhappy.

The things you mention are pretty big red flags and you should look into those, without talking to him about it.


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## Johan S. (Sep 18, 2019)

I would say counseling is in the only way in some cases, much strength to you!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is gut wrenching, no doubt. The woman you are suspicious about is his OW (other woman). If you still want him back, there are some things you can do to pop him out of his fog, but they will be harsh and may result in divorce. However, this will end in divorce anyway, so you may as well give it a shot if you are still willing to take him back after adultery.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There were red flags before he moved out. Breaks very rarely help a marriage heal because they are often just an excuse to see others. His social media friend sounds like a good candidate for that.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Think back through your arguments over the years. What are the problems that he brings up on a regular basis in those arguments?


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you. 

I have just realised that I also should have mentioned that he has reassured me from the day he left that he’d still be here for us, do jobs around the house etc. 

Also, we had booked a family holiday which he was very keen to still go on ‘as friends’, which we did. I would have thought that if there was OW, he’d try to get out of that holiday but he didn’t. He did disappear a few times for lengthy period with his phone on holiday. I did ask him why. He reassured me again that there’s no one else. Would OW put up with this? Wouldn’t she want him to herself? He is so committed to his children. I just don’t know.

Thank you all for your support, advise and honesty. It’s really helping.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

This separation must be recent, because you still seem to be shocked by it. I am wondering if or when the anger phase will kick in, because he is abandoning you and the family by living in another house. He has wronged you all by taking it to the next level. Please visit a lawyer to help determine what your options are. I understand that many give the first consultation for free. When "He says the solution is him moving out," it shows that he is very serious about ending this marriage. You need to start preparing. I'm sorry, for this seems unfair to you. Oh, I would be extremely worried about how he is interacting with other women, especially his gal pal on Facebook...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

First of all, I'm sorry you've found yourself in this spot. 



Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you. I asked him initially if he’d consider counselling and he said no. We had bereavement/marriage therapy combined after my parents died and it didn’t help that much. I was in a bad way at that time and took a lot of my grief out on him, but gradually I and our marriage recovered.


I suspect that perhaps it didn't actually recover. At least for him. What did recovery mean to you?



> A few days after leaving he did say he’d consider counselling but hasn’t mentioned it since. He says the solution is him moving out. He needs time. But can’t make any promises all will be well and he’ll return.


This is exactly what my ex wife did, and exactly what my dad did. There was someone else in both cases.



> My gut instinct at times has not been good re another woman. I had noticed secrecy over the phone. Hiding it. Blocks of time unaccounted for (but as previously mentioned he’s always enjoyed being outdoors). There is a particular female friend he has on social media I feel a little uncomfortable about (he likes all her posts). They have a shared hobby, when he met her she had a boyfriend but they’ve split now. I may be just reading too much into those things.


I think this is what's happening. He's playing house with someone else as a trial run at doing it forever. He's stringing you long just enough that you'll still be there if it doesn't work out with his "friend."



> When I have asked him he has always said it’s not about someone else, he’s been very unhappy and at times he has placed all the blame for him leaving on me.


Displaced guilt.



> He’s very loyal and has excellent morals. If there is someone else I believe this would be extremely difficult for him.


I suspect he pretends to have excellent morals - unless he's been telling you for some time he's unhappy and you just haven't been listening. Is this the case?



> He seems very happy with his life. Cheerful and normal. I am putting on a front where I can but I’m in bits inside.


I bet he's happy if he has a new relationship with someone else. That tends to make people happy.

Dig deep. There have been red flags; there always are. What are they?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Delilah1971 said:


> My gut instinct at times has not been good re another woman. I had noticed secrecy over the phone. Hiding it. Blocks of time unaccounted for (but as previously mentioned he’s always enjoyed being outdoors). There is a particular female friend he has on social media I feel a little uncomfortable about (he likes all her posts). They have a shared hobby, when he met her she had a boyfriend but they’ve split now. I may be just reading too much into those things.
> 
> When I have asked him he has always said it’s not about someone else, he’s been very unhappy and at times he has placed all the blame for him leaving on me.
> 
> He’s very loyal and has excellent morals. If there is someone else I believe this would be extremely difficult for him.


Sorry l would disagree, he has another and is a cake eater and less than honorable. He is playing his hand and dragging you around. File, and let your teenagers know this is not what you do to resolve conflict and cheating. Hold true and strong. But just how damaging we're you upon the deaths of your parents?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He's not having sex with you, right? His OW is waiting for him to leave you and believes him when he says he's not having sex with you. 

He is doing these things to make himself look good and so when he does divorce you he can make it look like the OW is a new person he just met rather than the woman he left you for. He also likes having two woman want him at once. It's good for his ego.

Your husband is no longer the fine, upstanding man he once was. He has become a liar and a cheat. He is working a plan to make this as easy as possible so you don't fight him and so you keep being nice to him.

Do not, under any circumstances play the pick me game. You do not want to fight over him if you ever want to keep your self-respect. Even if he does come back to you, it will never be good again if he isn't the one who is making the true effort for healing.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you all I appreciate the honest responses. 

Tilted: they died within a year of one another and it affected me terribly. It took 7 years to really feel happiness inside again. But I don’t think this affected my family life, it was just sadness inside and I had suffered with anxiousness around the children, but I know that’s normal for a parent, 

We were intimate but yes, he’d wanted more intimacy and closeness. I did too. We had a wedding anniversary in January and he bought me jewellery (he’s not normally one for giving expensive gifts on anniversaries). I was so happy, I thought life is good again. Weeks after this he told me he was moving out. 

We hadn’t been on a date for quite a while or had a weekend away just us 2. I was hoping we’d start to do that again now the children are older. Then he left. 

I had honestly thought things were better between us in the last few years. So it did come as a shock and I do agree that I’m still in shock. I feel this is a bad dream I’ll wake up from. 

I do feel angry but am trying not to show it. I’m trying to stay calm as I don’t think there’s much to be gained from anger or conflicts with him. 

Thank you all again so much! It’s helping so much.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Sometimes anger is very helpful in resolving issues, but it should be used judiciously. I don't think it's the right time yet. First you have to prove to yourself that your husband is involved with someone. Can you afford to hire a PI?

Please don't start pressing your husband for answers. It will only make you look weak and make things worse. You don't want to appear weak, as that will not help you at all. Determine what you want and formulate a plan. Start the 180 immediately. https://affaircare.wordpress.com/the-180/

If you want to find proof that he's having an affair, we can help you with that.

I recommend you ask @EleGirl @MattMatt @farsidejunky or another moderator to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum to get more assistance from members.

I understand that you are trying to appear as good to him as possible so he will come back to you, but that often backfires when what you need is a full frontal approach that will bring him to the realization that his carefully planned fantasy life is only a fantasy and he comes back to reality. That seems to be the only thing that consistently brings a positive result.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have moved your thread @Delilah1971, as I think there is a chance that he is cheating.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Delilah, you are probably right your parents death didn't affect the family. But then again maybe your then boyfriend (husband) took advantage of your fragile state and played you, to where you are now. Cynthia is telling you good stuff. And do not let him play with your heart. He isn't worth it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He only moved out a few months ago IIRC. He likely didn't even tell the (presumed) OW he was on vacation with you and the children when he was off somewhere (presumably) talking to her. 

Seemingly "wonderful" people cheat. I know. I was married to one. Never assume you know for certain what someone else will or won't do. You can be surprised and not in a good way.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If someone is playing with your heart, he doesn't have your best interests in mind. If I'm right about what your husband is doing, you don't want him back like this. He will only rug sweep and treat you like you're the one who has to make up for what's happened, when in reality he is stringing you along while he decides what he wants to to while making it look like you are at fault for this somehow. The likely scenario is that your husband is manipulating you into waiting for him. He's not purposefully trying to hurt you, but he's trying to make everything look as good as possible so this doesn't create a problem for him in the future. He also doesn't want you angry, because that is uncomfortable for him.

People who play these games are only enabled by complacency. Waiting for him to make up his mind puts you in a vulnerable position that you shouldn't be in. It shows that he is only considering his desires and needs without any real concern for you. Sure he likes taking a vacation with the family. He has the best of both worlds while you are none the wiser. At least you weren't. He's going to be surprised when you change the game plan on him.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I have just realised that I also should have mentioned that he has reassured me from the day he left that he’d still be here for us, do jobs around the house etc.
> 
> ...


A big problem with living separate is one moves on and starts to explore a new single world and the other waits. Another issue is the longer it goes the less likely it's going to change for the better. You've tolerated this, he has no incentive to change the status quo right now he's risking nothing in his mind cause your waiting for him. 

Have you been to his place? Does he take the kids to it? 

Unfortunately waiting him him to move the needle won't work and you are going to need to shake things up. He needs to know your done waiting and not working on the marriage. Your life doesn't revolve around hI'm and you need to live and enjoy your life too. It may seem like an extreme step for you but you need to consider filing for divorce. Not only will it protect you financially but he needs to be "put on the clock". Either he is in or not and it's that simple unfortunately. 

Yes a OW would tolerate the situation and it happens often.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> Sorry, meant to respond to DoesItGetBetters question: he moved out nearly 3 months ago.
> 
> The grief:marriage counselling we had before was 10 yrs ago.


If he has felt that you checked out 10 years ago and that he was never a priority in your life, then he has now checked out. 

My wife did the same thing when we started having kids. 

I know how your husband feels. One day you just know your over being taken for granted. That your wife doesn’t care if you are here or not. 

I don’t know how to fix this. My wife has been trying for about 5 years now. I still don’t feel the same for her anymore. Why am I still with her, she is trying to make it work and I am gone 5 to 6 days a week for work now. Kids are in college or soon to be. No reason to be home all the time anymore.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree especially with @CynthiaDe. Sell something if you need to to hire a PI. He is testing the waters and going under fast. 

Work on yourself--exercise, dress, make-up--not for him, but for you. Do you also work outside the house? Get out and grow.

Find yourself a hobby or new friends or become active a church or synagogue. Do the 180. Three months is too long. He is a sneak and untrustworthy. Stop asking him for anything but child related necessaries.

Men don't always start out to be unfaithful--sometimes they check out of the marriage and then 'friends' become tinseltown with  rainbows and limerence close behind.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hire a private investigator.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ABHale said:


> If he has felt that you checked out 10 years ago and that he was never a priority in your life, then he has now checked out.
> 
> My wife did the same thing when we started having kids.
> 
> ...


This does not apply to the OP's situation, because her husband has moved out to supposedly find himself, but there are other signs of cheating as well. You are still with your wife. She knows that things aren't right. You aren't hanging out in an apartment and liking every post of some woman on Facebook while also acting suspicious with your phone. You know how you feel. You aren't going to move into an apartment and give your wife the impression that you might come back all the while taking family vacations and acting like friends.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Delilah, be vary careful about selecting a MC. Many will tell you it's your fault the H has left. It isn't.
No question, there's another woman.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you everyone.

He had told me this morning that he does want a divorce. He doesn’t want to try counselling as it didn’t benefit him last time and was ‘all about you.’ I can’t understand this as we’ve had so many happy times since then. He can’t see those. He agreed that he isn’t the person I married or even knew up to a few months ago. 

Maintains there is no OW and that he’s felt this way (unhappy) for many years. He has brought up things from years ago (some I can’t remember at all). He did not want to talk to me this morning - but there’s never a good time. Last time I asked him for a chat he gave me slots for the following week like I was a client. I was calm but he got very angry and accusatory. He twisted things that have happened both recently and years ago - to the point that I am a little concerned about his mental state. 

I need to start being very practical. 

I wouldn't feel comfortable invading his privacy by hiring a private detective but I do appreciate the advise. I guess OW question is irrelevant now as he’s told me his wants to end the marriage. 

What’s an MC? 

Thank you all again.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Oh! A marriage counsellor of course. Duh!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Of course there was an OW in the mix when he decided to move out, and has been test driving long enough to decide the divorce was what he wanted. And of course when she is not a secret anymore "we just started seeing each other since we decided to divorce"

Get the right advice here depending on what you want the outcome to be. Not sure trying to get him back is something you will be successful with, since it seems he's decided a while ago and has likely moved on and replaced you.

He's not the man you thought he was.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry it is not turning out how you had hoped. Had you considered personal counseling to help you get through this?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Delilah, he was test driving the OW and keeping you on the back burner so that he would have an easy exit. Burst that bubble. Hire an investigator immediately and make sure you go scorched earth in the divorce. Dont let him off that easily, let all family, friends, everyone know what a POS he really is. He is trying to protect his image and keeping you in the dark.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters don't like having to admit they're the bad guy so if there is an OW he's not likely to tell you. He wants out so let him go and focus on your new life. I know it's difficult now but it won't always be.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There is a pattern to infidelity and he is in this pattern.

He has sketchy behavior with his phone. - lying

He has to leave to get space. - space to be with the OW

He has been unhappy for years. - rewriting the history to justify what he's done

Angry at your efforts to keep the marriage - You're spoiling his plan to lie his way out of the marriage.

He's lying and cheating. He is not being a good man.

His next big step will be to introduce his OW soon after the divorce as someone he 'just met.'

He is lying to himself as well. He tells himself he is saving you pain by exiting this way. He's really just coldly calculating how he can save his rep with his children and friends.

If it were me, I would find out who she is and blow it up just so he doesn't get to claim her as a new love after the divorce.

I'm very sorry. I think you should worry just about you and the kids now. Be very selfish from now on.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you all for the wake up call. I accept that he wants out and am concentrating now on myself and our children. 

You’ve all helped me hugely. I have spoken to a lot of friends and my sibling today and they have been great. 

Thank you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you all for the wake up call. I accept that he wants out and am concentrating now on myself and our children.
> 
> You’ve all helped me hugely. I have spoken to a lot of friends and my sibling today and they have been great.
> 
> Thank you.


Hopefully you will protect yourself in the divorce and not allow him to take further advantage of your loving heart towards him. Please do not trust him. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He's trying to cover his butt and that's about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> This does not apply to the OP's situation, because her husband has moved out to supposedly find himself, but there are other signs of cheating as well. You are still with your wife. She knows that things aren't right. You aren't hanging out in an apartment and liking every post of some woman on Facebook while also acting suspicious with your phone. You know how you feel. You aren't going to move into an apartment and give your wife the impression that you might come back all the while taking family vacations and acting like friends.


 He could’ve been feeling the same way I do before he moved out. I almost moved out myself, there was no other woman in the picture.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ABHale said:


> He could’ve been feeling the same way I do before he moved out. I almost moved out myself, there was no other woman in the picture.


Do you really think this man moved out and is acting in all these ways that indicate an affair, but he's not having an affair?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Do you really think this man moved out and is acting in all these ways that indicate an affair, but he's not having an affair?


I don’t know if he is. If I had moved out it would not have been because of an affair. It would have been because I had enough. 

OP knows her husband better then we do. I have read stories on this and other sites where all things pointed to an affair. Most have been an affair but some have not been. 

Could he be having one with his female friend, yes. Or she could just be a friend. 

OP needs to ask her husband about the friend, Face to face. See what he says and go from there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you all I appreciate the honest responses.
> 
> Tilted: they died within a year of one another and it affected me terribly. It took 7 years to really feel happiness inside again. But I don’t think this affected my family life, it was just sadness inside and I had suffered with anxiousness around the children, but I know that’s normal for a parent,
> 
> ...


Could well be that this was a guilt offering? Either that or someone came into his life after that point and he got limerance and it all went wrong from that point on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible that he is not having an affair. But only because the woman he was targeting told him that she was not a cheater.

But he has options, now, damn it! He's young and single and without responsibilities! 

Oh, wait. He's not young any longer, he is only separated and not single and is is merely avoiding his responsibilities. 

He doesn't want a divorce? Well, I remember the quote from the Austin Powers film: "And I want a solid gold toilet. But it isn't on the cards!"

He needs to get back to being an adult.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The chief reason a spouse vacates the marital domicile is primarily because (1) they willingly choose to do it on their own, or (2) they are asked to do so by the spouse who desires separation.

In either case, there is a very probable presence of adultery of where the voluntary mover is actively engaged in infidelity, just as is the partner who duly requests their move!

The presence of marriage counseling herewith usually makes no real difference! *


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