# my body is aching, I am so stressed



## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

Dear members,

I am writing in here today because I have no idea what to do anymore. My baby is almost a year old and I am living with her father. I got pregnant after a month that we are seeing each other and then we decided to move in together. The verbal abuse had started when I move in with him. He told me that his life was stuck with me and the baby, and that if ever our relationship don't work out it is hard to find a girl who will like him because he had a baby, he said that we can be together until our baby turns two yrs old and separate ways, he forced me to have sex with him while I was pregnant and we have to go the emergency because I was bleeding and had a threatened miscarraige. He was a nice person when he take his medicine. he could be very harsh with his words all the time and blame it to his condition.

When our baby was born, he said that 'I will never marry you, you have to remember that!' and I never really talk back to him before...I am a very quiet and a patient person. I am scared of fightings and to argue. he would said that I should focus on his actions and not his words becoz he loves me very much.

Now, it took me a year to stand up for myself and talk back at him when he said very inappropraite words like: You are my wh****, this is not really my baby (and sometimes jokingly say it in front of his friends), you are f** stupid, you are so naive, I can never understand you.. speak english please, your breast is too small (if we are having sex one time, he laugh so hard becoz he said my boobs was too small), you are f*** sensitive I was just joking, i have life insurance on you..you are worth $$$, you don't know how to spend money, your hair is ugly, your face is ugly, you are f*** stupid, what the F** are you wearing, you make me look stupid on that clothings...you have to erase that nail color when we go to my family..they will think you are acting like a N*** (Im wearing baby blue and green nail color)...don't you F*** tell your friends I was saying all these stuff becuase I was just joking and they will think it is all true and treating you bad and i would look like a bad person to them... but in the end of all these stuff..he would be very apologetic and feel so sorry because he hurts me and that I just need to understand him, and he is going to go crazy without me by his side. 

The worst thing is that he smoke weed everyday, wanted to sell them to his friends, go to casino and play all night long twice a week mostly on weekends when I am off work. But complain that it is expensive to have date with me because we have to pay a babysitter. we never really go out, we only go together when his friends will invite us to their house bbq's and his family gatherings. financially, we pay our bills on time and we only have a few hundred dollars left in our joint account after all the expenses. we have joint checking and savings account.

I know most of you will ask me why I am still staying with him? It is because I love him, I can't imagine my baby without a whole family intact while she's growing up, my family live a thousand miles away, I work full time and go to school part time.

He have a good job, he is very apologetic all the time when he said all those horrible things and promised to be more mature and ask me to understand him because all of those words are just jokes and nothing personal against me. 

I find myself crying in front of a loud tv and weep when Im all alone while he go to the casino and claim that it is his second job, and his earnings will help us financially.

He told his friends that I am very jealous and always check up on him all the time. Sometimes I have a reason to be jealous, he would look at women and tells me 'look at those breast, I like her short, i like her hair why dont you want to wear your hair like that? I caught him watching porn in the middle of the night. I am going to play poke her, He wants to add his exgf in his fb because he might have a business deal with her family someday and claim they never really talk anymore and I did cancelled his exgf request on fb and he told me that I am overly protective of him.. please help me! I need help! I am thinking to go to a therapy to see if it was me that is just wrong or I am on denial of eveything. I am so sorry, this is too long.

Thank you so much for reading


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Not married to him? Get out now while the baby is young. His verbal abuse is emotional and mental abuse for you, and abuse for the baby to hear. She will realize very soon what he's saying. Don't allow the abuse to continue. Get out now. Luckily, you have a job, therefore your own money. Do not rely on him for anything other than to provide financially for the baby. 

Believe it when he calls you names - those are his feelings. Don't believe it when he apologizes - it's his ploy to keep you trapped there under his abusive control.

RUN!!! And take that baby with you!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you don't leave him, your daughter will marry an abuser, too. Do you want that for her? Then you have to leave.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I know most of you will ask me why I am still staying with him? It is because I love him, I can't imagine my baby without a whole family intact while she's growing up, my family live a thousand miles away, I work full time and go to school part time.


Whether you love him or not, you're a mother now and have to consider your child. It isn't in your child's interests to grow up with a father who demeans, disrespects and abuses its mother.



> but in the end of all these stuff..he would be very apologetic and feel so sorry because he hurts me and that I just need to understand him, and he is going to go crazy without me by his side.


He isn't sorry, because he keeps on doing it. The only person who is going to go crazy here is you if you continue to tolerate his behaviour.

Either give MC a shot (not usually a good idea with an abuser), or visit your local womens centre to get help in leaving him.

Edited to add: Make sure your contraception is completely safe. Another child with this man would be a disaster.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Leadmelord said:


> Dear members,
> 
> I am writing in here today because I have no idea what to do anymore. My baby is almost a year old and I am living with her father. I got pregnant after a month that we are seeing each other and then we decided to move in together. The verbal abuse had started when I move in with him. He told me that his life was stuck with me and the baby, and that if ever our relationship don't work out it is hard to find a girl who will like him because he had a baby, he said that we can be together until our baby turns two yrs old and separate ways, he forced me to have sex with him while I was pregnant and we have to go the emergency because I was bleeding and had a threatened miscarraige. He was a nice person when he take his medicine. he could be very harsh with his words all the time and blame it to his condition.
> 
> ...


I know it's hard, but you really need to leave him. I was in almost the EXACT same situation and I finally left, it was the hardest decision of my life. It is scary and it WILL be difficult, but I promise you that you're both better off without him. There are a lot of resources that will help you. 

It doesn't matter how much he apologizes, he continues to treat you like this, it's severe emotional abuse. It's not fair to your child, either... do you want your baby to grow up thinking this is how families are? Or this is how men should treat women? I don't doubt that as your baby grows up this is how he will treat him/her as well. 

PM me if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm sorry about what you're going through! I know it is so so so hard.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the quick reply. I am very grateful that there are people like you who are ready to give your time and encouraging words. I am still scared. He said one time that he will get the custody of the child becoz he has a huge family support and I dont have. I am in school and working at the same time and told me that I can never have time to watch a baby. I know in my heart I can do it but the problem is, I hate to see him with another person.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This man is the epitome of a User PLAYboy A$$ whole, looking to BANG & throw away.. .....believe his words when he says he will never marry you, and don't fool yourself to ever think he is going to magically turn into an honorabe man, it's not going to happen. His true character is shining brightly for all to see & be disgusted by. 

You have a daughter now, her life & future are now in YOUR HANDS, this is an awesome responsibilty......there are good men out there to be had... but you need to Respect yourself enough to NEVER allow yourself to get entangled with these types again, they will only drag you down to the depths of hell in this life. 

Pick yourself up off the floor, find a place to stay, new people will come into your life to help along the way, things will eventually fall into place, your self worth will begin to rise again when you surround yourself with GOOD hearted caring people. 

Say Good riddens to this Joker.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Now, it took me a year to stand up for myself and talk back at him when he said very inappropraite words like: You are my wh****, this is not really my baby (and sometimes jokingly say it in front of his friends), you are f** stupid, you are so naive, I can never understand you.. speak english please, your breast is too small (if we are having sex one time, he laugh so hard becoz he said my boobs was too small), you are f*** sensitive I was just joking, i have life insurance on you..you are worth $$$, you don't know how to spend money, your hair is ugly, your face is ugly, you are f*** stupid, what the F** are you wearing, you make me look stupid on that clothings...you have to erase that nail color when we go to my family..they will think you are acting like a N*** (Im wearing baby blue and green nail color)...don't you F*** tell your friends I was saying all these stuff becuase I was just joking and they will think it is all true and treating you bad and i would look like a bad person to them... but in the end of all these stuff..he would be very apologetic and feel so sorry because he hurts me and that I just need to understand him, and he is going to go crazy without me by his side.


 Leave HIM....LET HIM GO CRAZY... then maybe ---just maybe he will get help.. .the worst thing you can possibly do is STAY and enable his rotten demeaning hurtful behavior- towards you and your daughter. 

He NEEDS counseling - he needs help ! THat should be an automatic deal breaker -if you feel you want to work this out... is to insist he gets Help with his behavior ....and to see some slow but steady progress in how he is treating you. 

He is very dysfunctional and has many anger issues.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank you so much. You help me enlighten my day. I will surely give your advice a star. It means so much to know that I finally found people to talk to besides friends. I don't want my friends to get overwhelm of what I am going through. I will ask for help and him too. He wants me to go to get a therapy before becoz he think he was normal and it was just me being very emotional.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

He may tell you he will get custody but he is most likely full of ****. In my region of the country he would have to prove you as unfit. That is extremely difficult to do. Do the right thing for you and the child get away from that ******* before it gets worse. He will mentally beat you to a pulp if you don't. Please do not stay in that situation. You have to beleve in yourself and that you and the baby deserve a better life.

This above all to thine own self be true!


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

Thank you sir. I am now thinking how to approach him to leave with our baby. I did it once and told him I can't stand being with him with his attitude and we talked but he followed to the bedroom and played wrestled with me and Im not even trying to play and he started grabbing my hands really tight and trying to tell me that if ever I want to leave he is going to cut my body in half and started laughing becoz he saw that I am about to cry and apologize that he was just AGAIN joking and he cant ever hurt me like that.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Don't worry about his threats to get custody. That is a scare tactic to make you stay with him. He smokes pot, he's emotionally abusive, who knows what else. With the information you've told us today alone you can request supervised visitation and weekly court mandated drug tests. In all likelihood, you will be the one with full custody. The most he could hope for is joint, and my guess is he doesn't REALLY want it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Wow...just get away!


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Leadmelord said:


> Thank you sir. I am now thinking how to approach him to leave with our baby. I did it once and told him I can't stand being with him with his attitude and we talked but he followed to the bedroom and played wrestled with me and Im not even trying to play and he started grabbing my hands really tight and trying to tell me that if ever I want to leave he is going to cut my body in half and started laughing becoz he saw that I am about to cry and apologize that he was just AGAIN joking and he cant ever hurt me like that.


Do you have any family nearby? Or friends that would be willing to help?


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

delirium said:


> Don't worry about his threats to get custody. That is a scare tactic to make you stay with him. He smokes pot, he's emotionally abusive, who knows what else. With the information you've told us today alone you can request supervised visitation and weekly court mandated drug tests. In all likelihood, you will be the one with full custody. The most he could hope for is joint, and my guess is he doesn't REALLY want it.


He already told me that if we don't work out, he will have a full custody or joint custody of our baby.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

delirium said:


> Do you have any family nearby? Or friends that would be willing to help?


My family is no where near me, i have never seen them in years. i only call them once awhile. Yes, friends but really don't want to bother them. I will try to figure out what to do or look for a place before i start telling him stuff.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Leadmelord said:


> He already told me that if we don't work out, he will have a full custody or joint custody of our baby.


He won't have full custody. Mine told me the same thing, he is trying to scare you into staying. This is abusive, controlling behavior. If he is saying things like 'I will cut your body in half' that is so incredibly disturbing and scary... don't talk to him about leaving. Just leave! Call any friends or family you have that live nearby and see if you can find a place to stay. Get out of there!

I recommend posting a duplicate of this thread to a single parents forum I used to go on. They give great advice and will be able to tell you exactly what your rights are and the best steps to take: Single Parenting

I'm so sorry you're going through this!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leadmelord said:


> Thank you all so much for the quick reply. I am very grateful that there are people like you who are ready to give your time and encouraging words. I am still scared. He said one time that he will get the custody of the child becoz he has a huge family support and I dont have.


He is lying. That's what abusers do - they LIE to you to convince you that they are the ONLY person in the world who will take care of you.

Stop believing him, ok? He LIES to you.

And if you are in the US, in 98% of all divorces, the MOTHER will get custody of the child and the FATHER will have to LEGALLY support her and the child FINANCIALLY. Whether he wants to or not. If you leave him legally, with a lawyer, he will have to pay to support his child.



Leadmelord said:


> I know in my heart I can do it but the problem is, I hate to see him with another person.


That is because he has abused you to the point that you no longer care about your own well-being and he has become the center of your universe. Look up some websites about mentally abusive husbands and see if you don't recognize your husband.

And find your closest women's shelter and go visit them and ask them to help you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leadmelord said:


> Thank you sir. I am now thinking how to approach him to leave with our baby. I did it once and told him I can't stand being with him with his attitude and we talked but he followed to the bedroom and played wrestled with me and Im not even trying to play and he started grabbing my hands really tight and trying to tell me that if ever I want to leave he is going to cut my body in half and started laughing becoz he saw that I am about to cry and apologize that he was just AGAIN joking and he cant ever hurt me like that.


 You should go to the police to tell them this. 

And NEVER EVER EVER tell your husband that you are going to leave him. That is the #1 FIRST rule for abuse victims - you plan your escape, you set up your help with friends or a women's shelter, you save up money, and you leave when he is not home. PROMISE me you will never tell him you are leaving. He will find out after you are gone and he cannot cut you in half.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

delirium said:


> Do you have any family nearby? Or friends that would be willing to help?


No, my family lives in another country. I have very few friends and I am not sure if they will help to move in with them temporarily. I will try to figure things out soon.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> You should go to the police to tell them this.
> 
> And NEVER EVER EVER tell your husband that you are going to leave him. That is the #1 FIRST rule for abuse victims - you plan your escape, you set up your help with friends or a women's shelter, you save up money, and you leave when he is not home. PROMISE me you will never tell him you are leaving. He will find out after you are gone and he cannot cut you in half.


He will deny things that he had said and act like i was crazy.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Leadmelord said:


> He will deny things that he had said and act like i was crazy.


I think you should discreetly make a plan to leave, and then just leave. I also think it's important you talk to the friends you do have about this, someone would probably be willing to help out if they knew this was going on. Do not discuss leaving with him, don't let him know that you're planning on it. Start writing down the things like that he says and the dates he says them, those will hold up in court. Save any abusive texts, etc. You can even print out what you've written here. Trust me... everyone denies these kinds of things. Let the courts decide who to believe. Stop letting him scare you into thinking he will get custody or make everyone think you're crazy. HE WILL NOT GET CUSTODY.

Please go on that Single Parenting website and post about this if you can... they will have a lot of ideas on what to do or where to go from here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leadmelord said:


> Thank you all so much for the quick reply. I am very grateful that there are people like you who are ready to give your time and encouraging words. I am still scared. He said one time that he will get the custody of the child becoz he has a huge family support and I dont have. I am in school and working at the same time and told me that I can never have time to watch a baby. I know in my heart I can do it but the problem is, I hate to see him with another person.


He will not get custody of your baby. That's just nonsense that he is hoping you will believe. Is his name on the baby's birth certificate?

Have you considered moving back to where your family lives with your baby? 

You hate so see him with another woman so you are going to stay there and be abused? Really? Read that again... does it make any sense to you at all?

Keep in mind that if you stay with him you are no longer as abused person... you are participant in a game where you allow yourself to be treated worse than a dog. 

Please find an abused woman's organization and start going to counseling. They will help you.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

delirium said:


> I think you should discreetly make a plan to leave, and then just leave. I also think it's important you talk to the friends you do have about this, someone would probably be willing to help out if they knew this was going on. Do not discuss leaving with him, don't let him know that you're planning on it. Start writing down the things like that he says and the dates he says them, those will hold up in court. Save any abusive texts, etc. You can even print out what you've written here. Trust me... everyone denies these kinds of things. Let the courts decide who to believe. Stop letting him scare you into thinking he will get custody or make everyone think you're crazy. HE WILL NOT GET CUSTODY.
> 
> Please go on that Single Parenting website and post about this if you can... they will have a lot of ideas on what to do or where to go from here.


you are very helpful.. i will try to check this website tomorrow..I am at work typing all these stuff becoz we share my computer at home. He once told me that he sees what i was doing online that I am looking for advice to get rid of him and it made me think he was checking behind me.I always delete the history searches unless he had stored a spywre.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leadmelord said:


> you are very helpful.. i will try to check this website tomorrow..I am at work typing all these stuff becoz we share my computer at home. He once told me that he sees what i was doing online that I am looking for advice to get rid of him and it made me think he was checking behind me.I always delete the history searches unless he had stored a spywre.


He probably has spyware on the computer. So don't use the one at home.

Is his name on the baby's birth certificate?


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Leadmelord said:


> you are very helpful.. i will try to check this website tomorrow..I am at work typing all these stuff becoz we share my computer at home. He once told me that he sees what i was doing online that I am looking for advice to get rid of him and it made me think he was checking behind me.I always delete the history searches unless he had stored a spywre.


Yeah... I would definitely stick to doing these kinds of things at work for now. It's good you're able to do that somewhere other than home if he's checking up on you. 

Ugh, I'm so sorry. If you need to talk anymore or just want to vent, please send me a private message. Anytime, I'd be happy to talk!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leadmelord said:


> He already told me that if we don't work out, he will have a full custody or joint custody of our baby.


This why I have asked a few times if his name is on the birth certificate. If you would answer the question it would a easier to help you out. 

If his name is on the bc he will most likely get some portion of custody. Usually it's 50/50 legal custody meaning you are both the child's parents. Then he will get some visitation. The % of custody he ges is determined by many things.

Which one of you has been the major care taker of the baby?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leadmelord said:


> He will deny things that he had said and act like i was crazy.


What you can do is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you or near you. THis way you can get him on tape saying these things.

In order to use the tape legally you will need to check the laws in your state about recording conversations. What state do you live in?

If you do this, do not let him see the VAR. Do not show it to him. Do not play it to him.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

I will check my replies tomorrow, I am leaving work now. Thank you all so much! with love and hugs


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Leadmelord said:


> Thank you sir. I am now thinking how to approach him to leave with our baby. I did it once and told him I can't stand being with him with his attitude and we talked but he followed to the bedroom and played wrestled with me and Im not even trying to play and he started grabbing my hands really tight and trying to tell me that if ever I want to leave he is going to cut my body in half and started laughing becoz he saw that I am about to cry and apologize that he was just AGAIN joking and he cant ever hurt me like that.


The most dangerous time with an abuser is when the other party decides to leave. Again, visit your local women's centre for support and help in forming a safe exit plan. Don't tell him you're leaving. He's already shown you he's capable of turning physical with you. He might have told you he was joking, but it's my guess the play wrestling and threat to cut your body in half was designed to frighten, intimidate and control you.

Right now you need professional support, OP. Don't be put off by any of his threats, particularly about custody of your child. Write down a summary of your relationship with him, document everything he says and does and keep this record in a safe place. If you do see a therapist, be sure to tell them everything.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This why I have asked a few times if his name is on the birth certificate. If you would answer the question it would a easier to help you out.
> 
> If his name is on the bc he will most likely get some portion of custody. Usually it's 50/50 legal custody meaning you are both the child's parents. Then he will get some visitation. The % of custody he ges is determined by many things.
> 
> Which one of you has been the major care taker of the baby?


Hi I apologize, I am leaving work now. Yeah, she carry her dad's name last name.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leadmelord said:


> My family is no where near me, i have never seen them in years. i only call them once awhile. Yes, friends but really don't want to bother them. I will try to figure out what to do or look for a place before i start telling him stuff.


Find a domestic abuse center near you. Get into counseling with them. They will help you make an exit plan and help you get out of this situation.

Also search the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" and read up on what to do to protect yourself and get away from him.

While you do not want to burden your friends, do you know anyone who would just let you go use their computer and spend time with them to get away from him for a few hours at a time?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leadmelord said:


> He will deny things that he had said and act like i was crazy.


 So what?

And it won't matter because you will BE GONE.


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## Leadmelord (Aug 3, 2012)

Goodbye for now. Thanks for the positivity, encouragement and very helpful advice. see u guys tomorrow.


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