# Inappropriate touching by my husband



## wife911

My husband and I moved into a new neighborhood a few months ago and we have become friendly with a few couples who have children and all the kids play while the adults hang out. We don't have conventional schedules, my husband works nights and I work all different shifts this week I am working 5am which mean I have to get up at 330am. I had just working that morning and I arrived home and my husband invited one couple and his sister was over the house. Later the other wife (we will call her Peg) of one of the couples came over without her husband or kids becasue she said they went away to do boy stuff. I was not drinking since I had to work early and they were drinking. My husband was already upset with me from a fight we had yesterday which carried over today and he made a really rude comment to me in front of our friends which really made me feel uncomfortable. I kept my distance from him and he made occassionaly small talk with me. 

I had to feed and put the baby to bed at 730p and I told the girls I would put the baby to sleep and then I was going to go to bed. 

I woke up several times during the night becasue I kept hearing loud voices so I decided to get up and look out my window. I saw that the group moved to my neighbor's patio so I asked my son who was at the neighbors. He said Peg was there and just the couple that live at that house. Well I opened the window and I heard them doing shots of wild turkey and then I saw the two women jumping dancing, it was very obvious that they were drunk, then when the wife went inside the house her husband was outside I saw Peg hug my husband and say I love you. Then when the woman came out of the house I heard her say whats this hugs and kisses. I know it was friendly drunk affection but it made me really uncomfortable because I don't remember my husband hugging me in a long time. I decided to put on my pants and go outside. I hid in the bushes so that I could see better and also hear them. I could tell that the drinking had gotten worse and they started talking about me and another women in the neighborhood that I felt was getting too friendly with my husband. (please don't think Im a jealouse freak) but I had told my husband ONLY that at a party I felt like she was following him around and I questioned why she had been calling him on the phone on a few occassions. I heard my husband say to the women that "I felt threatened by this woman" The wife of the house said that she admired me and that she would do the same. I really didn't know what to do. I was hiding on the ground in the bushes and I was afraid they would see me, I didn't want to embarrass my husband either. Well, its past 1am and I have to wake up at 330am. I then heard Peg start talking about her breast implants and how she designed them and becuase I had heard this story before I was afraid she was either going to show them or have my husband touch them. 

Well my prediction was right. I heard her say yeah touch go ahead touch, so I lost my mind at the moment, I came out of the bushes and walked to her patio and said "Peg does your husband know that my husband is touching your breast? How would that make him feel?" She was laughing out of control like she thought it was funny that I caught them in the act, I guess she thought I would laugh and find it hysterical, only I didn't. I said I'm not laughting and I don't think this is funny. This behaviour is disrespectful and I was very dissapointed. I then left and I thought my husband would leave after me. Well he didnt so I called him on the phone and said if you don't come home I will come get you. HE said he didn't know what to do, so I went back and said lets go. I went back in and also told Peg that she violated my trust and that I would never conduct myself the way she did and that I was not raised that way. I then said why they were doing shots and then she denied it. When I said you were doing Wild turkey shots then the other wife said yes we were. 

I told Peg that I would talk to her when she was sober and my husband was outside being belligerent and saying that "Game on" you want to play "Game On" I looked at Peg and I said now look what I have to deal with and I have to get up in 2 hours. I then left with my husband who was very upset with me. 

I don't know what to do. My husband and I argued all night and he tried to flip the script on me. I saw him touch another woman inappropriately and disrespect me and our marriage and he tried to fight with me and yell at me for embarrasing me. 

How should i handle this. Im at work all day and I was just planning on not answering his calls.


----------



## EleGirl

Have you checked your cell bill to see if he is communicating a lot with this woman?

You need to figure out what your boundaries are. One thing might be to cut off all contact with the boob lady. She sounds like bad news.

Does your husband usually party like this? 

Is there anyway you can find a job that works the same shifts your husband does? Working different shifts is often pretty hard on a marriage.


----------



## greenpearl

This woman was flirting with your husband, and your husband obviously loved it. 

She did it on purpose. Some people pretend to be drunk when they are actually not drunk. They use this as an excuse to cover their loose conduct. 

I think your marriage is in danger because your husband obviously doesn't respect you. Instead of feeling guilty for what he did, he was angry with you. 

Tell this woman's husband what she was doing with your husband. And stay away from them from now on. But the problem between you and your husband is still unsolved.


----------



## wife911

Unfortunately I am in Law Enforcement and I cannot switch my job or get another one. We have been married 10 years and we have learned to work around the schedule. I just spoke to him and he saids he did not in any way do it to intentionally hurt me. I believe that but it doesn't change the fact that the behaviour was inappropriate and it was hurtful to me. I said to him to be honest and tell me if he thought it would be OK for me to hang out with her husband and touch his privates while I did shots? of course he did not respond. This morning Peg sent me a message that said "Im so sorry my behaviour was inexcusable." I have not responded. Still dealing with my husband at the moment so I can't deal with her. I want her to sweat it some more the way I have been.


----------



## Shaggy

Peg is clearly , very clearly, after your husband. She has set her sights on him and if left unchecked she will get him in bed sooner or later.

Atleast it hasn't gone physical yet, otherwise she wouldn't be pushing her breasts at him as a play toy. 

But obviously she was hoping he would take advantage of the opportunity and play with her and get himself worked up.

I'd be having a talk with her husband, and let him know what's going on and why your husband is not going to be allowed to play with her again.


----------



## Aunt Ava

What happened with the "escort incident"? Was it rug swept? For almost four years there have been red flags cropping up in your marriage. Your husband clearly has a lack of boundaries, and yet he continues to use alcohol. 

I am sure you are familiar with the definition of insanity. You are in Law Enforcement, surely you have had some training on how to detect when someone is lying. 

Of course your husband didn't mean to intentionally hurt you when he felt up Peg...you were never supposed to know about it. Sorry, but its time for some consequences or your marriage will never improve.


----------



## wife911

He claims that he drinks because he wants to feel numb. Im not sure what that means. I don't drink much often because I don't like to lose control of myself. It seems like he drinks excessively and then things happen that I catch him doing and I am left wondering what does he do when I am not around. I don't believe my husband has any interest in Peg but I do think that she may have wanted the attention because the other woman's husband also touched her boobs but this was in his wife's presence and she told him to do it. I don't understand this at all. I dont conduct myself in this fashion. I respect myself and others so I don't inappropriately touch any other man let alone another woman's man. I guess I should not expect the same from others as it is not a given. My husband talked about setting some ground rules and I agreed, I just don't know where to start other than stop drinking and you cant hang out at anyone's house if Im not present. I just think this will be unfair because Im often not around and my husband usually takes my son to neighbors houses to play. I am just so full of resentment. 

Aunt Ava you are so right, he didnt intend to hurt me I was never supposed to know about it. I sometimes ask him about what occurred at some events I cant make it to and he doesnt say much, now I am left to wonder if there was more going on?

Shaggy the escort incident is past us. I believe that he didn't have anything to do with the escort just his sleezy friend who is the father of my sister-in-laws daughters now. He no longer communicates with him or me. 

Alcohol clouds his judgement and I am left picking up the pieces. 

What do I say to Peg's husband?


----------



## Chaparral

If doesn't show the right amount of remorse respect, tell him what he thinks of you getting transplants. Then lead the convo around to how you better let some other men feel your breasts so you can get an unbiased opinion. See how he likes that.


----------



## Phenix70

Your husband said he drinks to feel numb, that's a sign he's an alcoholic & would benefit greatly from seeking help with his addiction.
If he knows he has issues with drinking, but yet keeps doing it & putting himself in situations that are causing problems in his life, then he most definitely needs help.
Read up on addiction & rehab. 

As for Peg's husband, you tell him exactly what you told us, of course you can leave out you were hiding in the bushes.
Whatever happens between Peg & her husband is her problem, this witch brought this on herself when she went after your husband.
I don't play those games, if I see a woman make even the slightest overture towards my husband, I will let her know in the clearest terms that she needs to back the fcuk off, whether or not her SO is right there or not.
I see those women as predators, who seek out male attention from those already in relationships.


----------



## mablenc

Your husband had no business doing the following: (drunk or not)

Being at a party without you
Hugging and kissing Peg
Touching pegs breast
Talking about you

Tell pegs husband what you saw and heard. Don't excuse your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wife911

she sent a text to my husband and I that her behavior was inexcusable. I have not responded because I wanted to talk to her in person. I am glad that she sent me the message because I think now she feels stupid, but had I not caught her I would have just been an idiot. Im glad I saw what I saw and I want to put her on notice. 

I don't want to just end the friendship, because they live one house down from us and my son is really good friends with her son. I just want to tell her that eventually I will come around but that she violated my trust.


----------



## mablenc

Oh and no more texting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

It's obvious that both Peg AND your H have boundary issues... IMO, Peg needs to 'disappear' and you and your H need to work out some marital boundaries.


----------



## JustHer

wife911 said:


> she sent a text to my husband and I that her behavior was inexcusable. I have not responded because I wanted to talk to her in person. I am glad that she sent me the message because I think now she feels stupid, but had I not caught her I would have just been an idiot. Im glad I saw what I saw and I want to put her on notice.
> 
> *I don't want to just end the friendship*, because they live one house down from us and my son is really good friends with her son. I just want to tell her that eventually I will come around but that she violated my trust.


What friendship? Your sons can still be friends, but she is NOT your friend.

I agree with the others, your husband is an alcoholic and unless he gets help and changes, you will always have serious problems in your marriage.

Do not talk with this woman. Tell her husband everything that happened and show him the text.

You either put up boundaries, or you are a codependent.


----------



## survivorwife

wife911 said:


> *she sent a text to my husband and I *that her behavior was inexcusable. I have not responded because I wanted to talk to her in person. I am glad that she sent me the message because I think now she feels stupid, but had I not caught her I would have just been an idiot. Im glad I saw what I saw and I want to put her on notice.
> 
> I don't want to just end the friendship, because they live one house down from us and my son is really good friends with her son. I just want to tell her that eventually I will come around but that she violated my trust.


Ah no. She should no longer have access to your husband, text or otherwise. She sure has nerve to text him after what she did, and anticipate a reply from him too? No. She is starting to come between you two (through texts) to insert herself into your marriage. This is unacceptable.

I know you don't want to end the friendship, but you have to. You don't have to be enemies, but you can be cordially with her for the children's sake but distance yourself from her. She knows what she did. You know what she did. She can't be trusted, therefor she can't even be a friend to you.

Women like your neighbor really annoy me. They think they can smooth this over (no harm done) but keep "a foot in the door" for future reference. Nip it in the bud. She does not text your husband. She does not need to text you. And she has no further contact with your family unless it concerns your son's friendship with her child. Further, encourage your son to make friends with other children so they too can drift.

Good luck!


----------



## Aunt Ava

wife911 said:


> she sent a text to my husband and I that her behavior was inexcusable. I bet she just realized you carry a weapon! Seriously, it sounds like she's trying to minimize the damage. Is her husband aware of the incident at this point?
> I have not responded because I wanted to talk to her in person. I am glad that she sent me the message because I think now she feels stupid, but had I not caught her I would have just been an idiot. Yep. You said it. Im glad I saw what I saw and I want to put her on notice.
> 
> I don't want to just end the friendship, Really? You honestly think she's your friend?because they live one house down from us and my son is really good friends with her son. I just want to tell her that eventually I will come around REALLY? I would have a hard time being in the same room with a woman that encourage my husband to feel her up! Much less "come around".but that she violated my trust.


----------



## TiggyBlue

Peg was checking how strong your husbands boundaries/respect for you was, unfortunately he showed her it was pretty weak.


----------



## the guy

So when do you get to touch Peg's husbands penis?

Its sad that poeple can't behave as if there spouses were always next to them even when there not.

There would be a lot less posters in the CWI section of this forum.

One more thing here. Its important that you expose this to Peg's husband..cuz with out consequences for both sides of this mess bad behavior continues.


----------



## I got this

Horny, disrespectful, alcoholic cheaters don't give you a lot to work with do they?


----------



## MrK

Check the cell bill. See how much they have been communicating outside of this incident.


----------



## mablenc

wife911 said:


> she sent a text to my husband and I that her behavior was inexcusable. I have not responded because I wanted to talk to her in person. I am glad that she sent me the message because I think now she feels stupid, but had I not caught her I would have just been an idiot. Im glad I saw what I saw and I want to put her on notice.
> 
> I don't want to just end the friendship, because they live one house down from us and my son is really good friends with her son. I just want to tell her that eventually I will come around but that she violated my trust.


Yeah she sounds like a great friend,  you know the type that's nice enough to cheat with your husnand right in front of your nose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ReformedHubby

You've gotten a lot of good advice already. The only thing I would add is that you guys should establish some boundaries on what is and isn't appropriate behavior. 

Drinking with neighbors in my opinion is just a bad idea. If you go to gatherings just stay sober. Trust me its more fun that way anyway. Every time my wife and I go to a neighbors party where there is alcohol somebody always has too much and does or says something stupid. Like the time one of my neighbors looked at my wife and said he preferred dark meat. Or the time that my neighbor and her brother actually wanted to talk to me about my penis size, and for the trifecta one of my neighbors who was beyond trashed actually wanted to show the men how good she was at pole dancing. There were kids there too!!! 

My point is it is painfully obvious to me at least that adults today really don't know how to behave when they drink. Drinking with neighbors is just a bad idea.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Do you think your husband feels attention starved? How often do you stroke his ego? I'm just curious if there's a link that leaves some men more receptive to this kind of flirting.


----------



## 6301

First thing I would do is tell your husband that he better lay off the sauce. It makes him stupid. There's nothing wrong with having a few but when it gets to the point where the booze is putting someone in harms way, then there's a problem. Someday when he's in one of his stupors he's going to touch the wrong boob or grab the wrong ass and find himself with the mother of all ass kicking.


----------



## alte Dame

You are asking for trouble by keeping this friendship going. The euphemism for what Peg and your H are doing is 'violating boundaries.' In old-fashioned speak, she is after your H and he is loving it. It sounds like you're making excuses for both of them when you try hard to be the bigger person. They will act like the 'bigger people' to your face, but behind your back, none of that will matter.


----------



## Caribbean Man

mablenc said:


> Your husband had no business doing the following: (drunk or not)
> 
> *Being at a party without you
> Hugging and kissing Peg
> Touching pegs breast
> Talking about you*
> 
> Tell pegs husband what you saw and heard. Don't excuse your husband.


:iagree:

That's exactly how these things affairs start.
Having loose boundaries. If she had decided lay down the rules before, her husband might have called her 
"_ insecure and controlling._"
As a matter of fact I'm sure when she confronts him he will try to blame her and call her jealous.


----------



## kramlat

talk to her husband and let him know that she is preying on other people's marriages


----------



## Wiserforit

The feeling up her boobs and all that surrounded it was just a continuation of the verbal put-down he made in front of them earlier.

She was laughing hysterically because it was the peak of her glorious slam-the-wife evening.

Your son just watched his father act as a traitor to his family, and he is about to see whether the result is the father getting away with it or whether there are consequences. 

Pretty clear to me that there are big problems with both alcohol abuse and treachery on the part of the husband. Ultimatum time.


----------



## KathyBatesel

Not reading the responses as I'm short on time at the moment. 

I would respond with my actions. Pack his bag and send him out the door, change the locks, and let him cool his heels until he got his priorities squared away.


----------



## Coffee Amore

This isn't the first time that you've had issues with him in the last few years. He's created a Facebook profile that gave the impression he's single. He brought a prostitute home or he allowed a friend to bring a prostitute to your home. The prostitute incident showed he was capable of lying to you. You only discovered it because of evidence (i.e. a condom), not because he told you up front. Your old posts are filled with examples of his disrespect towards you. What happened with your neighbor is just another incident in a line of incidents where he 1) doesn't respect you 2) shows very weak personal boundaries and 3) wants attention from other women and your feelings/marriage don't matter. 

It may be harsh to say this but are you really surprised by his actions? It's not like he was a great husband all along and this came out of the blue. Question is what is your next move?


----------



## wife911

I texted her husband but he has not called me yet. I also had a very long discussion with my husband and we are coming up with boundaries. He said he does not want me to leave him alone when he is hanging out bit I told him that was not possible because I was going to bed and I knew he wouldn't listen to me to end the night. I did speak to the other wife my other neighbor and I explained that I live by the golden rule where u do onto others what u would want done to u. I respect other people's relationships and I expect the same in return. I also explained that I saw the hug and the boob and that I didn't like the fact that she lied to me about doing shots. I said her integrity is questionable so I'd rather do without the friendship. She'd agreed that perhaps we should come up with rules one being that we go to sleep when the kids go to sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mablenc

wife911 said:


> I texted her husband but he has not called me yet. I also had a very long discussion with my husband and we are coming up with boundaries. He said he does not want me to leave him alone when he is hanging out bit I told him that was not possible because I was going to bed and I knew he wouldn't listen to me to end the night. I did speak to the other wife my other neighbor and I explained that I live by the golden rule where u do onto others what u would want done to u. I respect other people's relationships and I expect the same in return. I also explained that I saw the hug and the boob and that I didn't like the fact that she lied to me about doing shots. I said her integrity is questionable so I'd rather do without the friendship. She'd agreed that perhaps we should come up with rules one being that we go to sleep when the kids go to sleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sweetie, your number one rule should be to respect yourself, no more putting up with theses things, ok? 

You deserve so much more.


----------



## Wiserforit

Since he is still going to be drinking, and in light of what *Coffee Amore* added to past history, these new rules are going to be broken.

It isn't just a matter of what the rules are. If you arrested crooks every time they broke the law, but let them go - then what is the point of laws? You have to impose consequences.

That would be including what they just did.


----------



## EleGirl

wife911 said:


> I texted her husband but he has not called me yet. I also had a very long discussion with my husband and we are coming up with boundaries. He said he does not want me to leave him alone when he is hanging out bit I told him that was not possible because I was going to bed and I knew he wouldn't listen to me to end the night. I did speak to the other wife my other neighbor and I explained that I live by the golden rule where u do onto others what u would want done to u. I respect other people's relationships and I expect the same in return. I also explained that I saw the hug and the boob and that I didn't like the fact that she lied to me about doing shots. I said her integrity is questionable so I'd rather do without the friendship. *She'd agreed that perhaps we should come up with rules one being that we go to sleep when the kids go to sleep*.


How old are your children? What time do they go to bed?

Why are you setting rules with her for what time you go to sleep? :scratchhead:


----------



## wife911

EleGirl said:


> How old are your children? What time do they go to bed?
> 
> Why are you setting rules with her for what time you go to sleep? :scratchhead:


 no this was my conversion with the spouse of my other neighbor where they were hanging out. I have not spoken with Peg. It was just a general comment that when they kids go to bed so should we.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustHer

wife911 said:


> I texted her husband but he has not called me yet. I also had a very long discussion with my husband and we are coming up with boundaries. He said he does not want me to leave him alone when he is hanging out bit I told him that was not possible because I was going to bed and I knew he wouldn't listen to me to end the night. I did speak to the other wife my other neighbor and I explained that I live by the golden rule where u do onto others what u would want done to u. I respect other people's relationships and I expect the same in return. I also explained that I saw the hug and the boob and that I didn't like the fact that she lied to me about doing shots. I said her integrity is questionable so I'd rather do without the friendship. She'd agreed that perhaps we should come up with rules one being that we go to sleep when the kids go to sleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I am truly sorry wife911, and I understand that you are upset and thus the reason for the conversation with the other neighbor. But this conversation does not settle anything. Your problem is not with this wife or boobie wife, it is with your husband.

Your husband is the one who stayed out after you went home, 
your husband is the one that drank too much,
your husband is the one that puts you down,
your husband is the one that touched boobie wife.


Apparently there is a habit with your husband about disrespecting you and your marriage. A couple of good books have been suggested if you care to read them but some how YOU are the one who needs to stand up to your HUSBAND, not the wife or the boobie wife. You have taught your husband how to treat you. He will NEVER change unless YOU lay down some harsh boundaries with harsh consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH with them, even if it means packing his bags and changing the locks.

You are the one that needs to change if you want respect from your husband and the kind of marriage that you would value. You need to change first (boundaries and consequences). Your husband may or may not wish to change, the choice is his, but the ultimate decision to how you allow yourself to be treated is yours.

In addition to the books may I suggest seeking the advice of an attorney should you need to take that course.


----------



## EleGirl

wife911 said:


> no this was my conversion with the spouse of my other neighbor where they were hanging out. I have not spoken with Peg. It was just a general comment that when they kids go to bed so should we.


Your problem is your husband, not your neighbors. If he behaved in the way a good husband should none of this would have happened. 

It's ok to tell those who were involved that you are not pleased with their part of it. But you need to set down your own boundaries with your husband. And you need to let him know that you are willing to end the marriage over him crossing your boundaries.


----------



## Aunt Ava

EleGirl said:


> Your problem is your husband, not your neighbors. If he behaved in the way a good husband should none of this would have happened.
> 
> It's ok to tell those who were involved that you are not pleased with their part of it. But you need to set down your own boundaries with your husband. And you need to let him know that you are willing to end the marriage over him crossing your boundaries.


QFT.


----------

