# 12 year old daughter issues



## American Arrogance

Ok first time posting on this side of the forum. I have a 12 yr old daughter. For years she has been doing good but this past school year she is doing horrible in school.

She has been on punishment off and on since sept. Im not a person to physically discipline my child as that was somethign i dreaded growing up.

So since the beginning of the school year she has either not turned in homework or turned it in late. At the end of the week the teacher sends home a weekly sign out sheet to inform parents of the childs habits during the week. This is when I find out my daughter hasnt turned in her homework or turned it in late.

Hubby and I take turns every other day helping the kids with homework. Usually we dont have to spend much time with her a she in the past would get the homework done and it will be correct. She is usually the responsible one. Our son who is 10 yrs old requires alot of attention as he suffers from ADHD with learning disabilites and he tends to act like he dont know what he is doing. SO we end up spending alot of our time getting him to understand the instructions.

Back to my daughter. So when we approach her about her homework not making it to the teacher when we check it every night to make sure its correct and tell her to put it in her bag. Then she gets to school and she tell the teacher she left it at home. So the teacher extends her due date so that is the reason she'll get it in late. So since sept. She has had all gaming, toys and outside privileges taken away. Then we took away visiting grandparents and other family member privileges away. By christmas she had done better. I was all for not getting her present for christmas (I dont celebrate it and I wasnt raised on getting presents but hubby wants to do the xmas thing). So I kept my promise and told her she wont be getting anything from me. But hubby gos and get the xmas presents anyway cuz he felt a child should have xmas (bah humbug). Anywho, she did ok for the first two weeks of the school year (only becuase her bday was 2 weeks after xmas) and here we are back at sqaure one...missing assignments or turning in late.

So we did a parent teacher conference, teacher informed us that our daughter told her that she forgets it at home, or she leaves the book at school, or she didnt know they had to do that for homework :scratchhead:. The school provides agenda books for each student to record homework assignments and the teacher goes to every student and checks off if they write it down in the book correctly.

So we approached our daughter and her thing is, she doesnt have homework, or she left the book at school, or the infamous "I turned it in, but the teacher marks it late if I dont turn it in before the start of class."

So I have actually took a belt and whipped her. I am at a lost as to what to do or how to apprpach this anymore. it seems no matter what we do it doesnt seem to help. We are exhausted as to how to discipline her.

She is in extracurricular activities such as yoga and chorus at school. But has been kicked out of chorus due to missing too many rehearsal due to not turning in homework.

The teacher has given her so much leeway in turning in her work. I dont feel she should get special treatment from the teacher just becuase hubby wants her to get good grades. I feel if she dont turn in the assignment or dont do it and she gets a failing grade then she has to suffer the consequences. He thinks she should be allowed more time and that its only elementary school. I feel as though in real world better yet middle chool and high school you wont get special treatment. Either you do the work or you dont. Your grade will suffer.

Maybe she needs a tutor or something, maybe the work could be too difficult to her (I highly doubt) but Im just trying to keep my mind open.

Is there any other approaches we should look at?


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## humpty dumpty

maybe you need to spend time getting to know her again .... i dont understand the need to hurt a child by whipping them !!! im sure it didnt make your daughter want to do her homework thats for sure .

something really bad could have happerned to her for her to change her behaviour so dratically !! talk to her


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## Leahdorus

We have issues that crop up from time to time with our son and how much he participates in his homework and assignments... I see you're doing the punishment thing (and I don't agree with the belt whipping but I will leave that topic alone...) but maybe you could try working it from the positive angle. This seems to work better for us than taking things away.

For every day (week?) that she does do what she's supposed to, mark it on a chart. At the end of the week or weeks that you both determine, if she's met the goals (again, set them with her), she earns something she wants. Figure out what motivates her and see if you can work it from that angle. I know it seems sort of like a bribe but it's more like a reward for consistent good behavior or actions. Do this a couple times so she gets into the pattern of the behavior you want, and eventually you don't need to offer the reward anymore.


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## humpty dumpty

I think you would get a better responce from her by telling her your disapointed explaining what you would like from her and then setting a target she can achieve ,building up a trusting relationship maybe a reward for keeping on top of her home work could be a mum and daughter day out doing something you both enjoy...


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## Amplexor

:iagree: with Leah

When punishments lose their effectiveness try a motivational approach. We’ve also used a chart for our kids and it did help. We also gave them points for good work, work on time… the points were represented in poker chips with an attainable goal and reward at the end of the quarter. It can be effective but you must be consistent. I will disagree with your husband, it might just be grade school but she is developing her study habits now and those will follow her through life. I also agree with humpty that corporal punishment is not effective and may set a poor example for her when she is raising her own. Good luck


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## Blanca

i think your daughter is depressed and seeking attention. Negative attention is better then nothing at all.


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## GAsoccerman

I am with LJ here, something is going on here, she is going through hormonal changes right now.

Something wants her to be the bad girl. 

She interested in boys yet? 

You really need to sit her down and see what is going on.

SHe is at that delicate age where hormones are changing, bad self image arises and their mental state is very fragile.

She seems confused, she needs you to talk to her see what is going on. She has concerns and questions about life that need to be answered. 

Hopefully nothing horrible has happened to her. My daughter is 11 and she was playing with other kids in the neighborhood one day, one of the boys that was a couple of years older got on top of her an he pinned her down, so she kicked him in the jewels and was upset, he was crying. I hugged her and told her she is fine and she got scared, but she did the right thing, the boy has stayed away from her. But she earned the respect of the other kids in the neighborhood. They don't mess with my daughter.


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## draconis

I'd say start by giving her more help and attention and keep in mind she also MAY have a learning disability too. 

Do you pick her up from school yourself? I do with my kids and it helps because the first thing I ask is about homework before we leave. Check her work verse the assignment book and see where she is. We were all kids once and she is at the age that school is no longer fun. We've all been there.

draconis


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## American Arrogance

GAsoccerman said:


> I am with LJ here, something is going on here, she is going through hormonal changes right now.
> 
> Something wants her to be the bad girl.
> 
> She interested in boys yet?
> 
> You really need to sit her down and see what is going on.
> 
> SHe is at that delicate age where hormones are changing, bad self image arises and their mental state is very fragile.
> 
> She seems confused, she needs you to talk to her see what is going on. She has concerns and questions about life that need to be answered.
> 
> Hopefully nothing horrible has happened to her. My daughter is 11 and she was playing with other kids in the neighborhood one day, one of the boys that was a couple of years older got on top of her an he pinned her down, so she kicked him in the jewels and was upset, he was crying. I hugged her and told her she is fine and she got scared, but she did the right thing, the boy has stayed away from her. But she earned the respect of the other kids in the neighborhood. They don't mess with my daughter.



Thanks everyone for the advice. I dont like the wippings as I before becuase my mom used to it to me and I swore I would never subject my kids to it. But i think I did it out of frustration of not knowing.

As for the comment above, you just brought something home becuase last night my daughter asked me if she can get pregnant if she hadnt started her period yet. I was shocked she asked that. SO Im a make it a point to talk with her this weekend.

Now for the positive reinforcement. That is my original plan, as I did that earlier in years of school. But hubby feels we shuoldnt reward them with allowance or anything for doing what they should do automatically. We obviously have different approaches to parenting. 

When I was younger I was giving money everytime I made honor roll. I was always on the honor roll. My mom would throw parties, the local convenience store would give us free candy and ice cream. So I was alway posting my awards on the refridgerator. However, my siblings never made honor roll and it created tension in our house becuase it seemed like I was getting all the attention. My step father was against my mom and grandparents rewarding me for a job well done.

Hubby background in school wasnt like mine. He cmae from a troubled family life and school was never important to his family. Sports were deemed appropiate.

My family is more into academics and I never played a sport in my life unless I was at PE but I rarely wanted to participate.

As for her having a learning disability, she was diagnosed with a mild one due to her medical condition, both my children have NF-1. She has been doing well in school just that reading is sort of hard for her but that is because she needs glasses and she refuses to wear them. But now her writing is getting bad and the teacher told us that her writing seems to get worse every quarter as if she is reverting back to Kindergarten stage.

SO I will take you guys advice and talk to her this weekend. Also since she brought up sex I think its that time I talk with her about that as well.


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## Blanca

American Arrogance said:


> my daughter asked me if she can get pregnant if she hadnt started her period yet. I was shocked she asked that. SO Im a make it a point to talk with her this weekend.


wow. i think your daughter is going through a lot. emotionally i think your daughter needs you right now. she's scared.


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## Earthmother1970

My 12 year old son has also failed to pass in many assignments this school year, even after I have helped him with his homework, seen that the assignments are completed and returned to his school bag, and reminded him to pass them in the next morning before he leaves for school. He has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression - have you considered having your daughter evaluated by a professional?


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## onlylonelyone

I wouldn't wait for the weekend to talk with her. Just her asking you that question should send some real red flags here. It may be curiosity, but I would definately dig more into it. I hope a boy or even worse hasn't been inappropriate with her. You need to find that out first before anything else. She definately has something she needs to talk about but can't and it is affecting her and her school work. Remember, this is not her norm so I would definately not spank her. It is a clear sign to you something is definately wrong. On a lighter note, has her eyesight and hearing been checked recently? That can also affect her schoolwork.


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