# How women initiate



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

This is to find out how wives or those in long term relationships initiate, how often they initiate per week or per month and whether they think their efforts are regarded as appreciable or regarded as not enough. I find it difficult to initiate. I prefer my husband to initiate. But I make an effort here and there. The methods are in two parts, what I say and what I do.

Say:
Its visiting time (When we started, we nicknamed sex THE VISIT, so only us would know what we were talking about)
Are you tired
Come to bed. I am waiting for you.
I could do with a good neck massage

Doing:
gently run his nipple while we are talking
Get his hand when hugging and put it some place else
Getting back to bed at certain times

These are few of how I initiate. He knows exactly what I mean so I do not have to elaborate, but It is not natural to me and a lot of women to initiate. I know a lot of men are saying we should initiate, but I feel there should be an understanding from our men, that it is not easy and a lot of us prefer it if they initiate more often than we do. Not speaking for all women.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I gave up on my wife trying to overtly initiate like ripping my pants off or grabbing my junk. Now entirely happy with her coming to bed without pajamas bottoms on which is a signal she is receptive.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

-We have certain things we say that the kids don't pick up on, so it's a bit more playful and a casual hint for later when the kids are in bed (often doesn't go anywhere).
-Flat out saying when she wants something.
-Just going for it.
-Her hand will find its way to my **** and I'm expected to take the hint and go from there.
-She plays with my nipples all the time, so that doesn't mean anything, but if her mouth touches them that leads to more.
-If I go to bed and she's naked, I'm expected to wake her up or I'll be in trouble.
-If I go to bed and she's wearing the type of underwear I like and is topless, that's an invitation but not a requirement (though I better at least touch her).
-If she has a bath and does some "maintenance", I better appreciate it (whether it leads to PIV or not) or I'll be in deep ****.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Women...initiating? Never heard of such a thing. 

Well, I did have a GF in college who was a sex fiend. She wanted it all the time and used to rip my shorts down and ask for it.

I probably should have married her


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s usually pretty obvious when she is nearing ovulation as she tends to get blunt about what she wants. At other times it is a lot more hidden... there but subtle. If she has a sex toy in her hand then it’s obvious


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I have no problem initiating. 

If we are in bed, I’ll big spoon him and softly touch him, maybe I’ll nibble their ear, or whisper I want them in their ear while I feel their chest. Or I’ll just start kissing him. 

If we aren’t in bed I’ll start kissing them, or sit on their lap and give them a sort of look. 

I don’t know, I’m not really shy, unless of course I’m with someone who rejects me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I like to snuggle and rub his chest.

Then it becomes his stomach, then down south. I'm thinking its pretty much always responded so after that it's on 😁


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Initiating is not a problem for either of us. It's pretty much expected that we are going to have sex every night he is home (he works 3rds). He worked from home for a few months during covid and we averaged 5-6 nights per week. Since he's back at work, we talk about the sex we will have over the weekend all week. We are ready to rip each other's clothes off by Friday after building it up. Married 24 years here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She is almost always receptive when I initiate but if I don't, she will initiate once or twice a week.

She flat out says she wants it when my time is up and that is that.
There is no middle ground with her. It is dangerous to cross certain lines or I will get laid wether I'm ready or not.

A lot of times, she will grin at me and just tell me that we should do it.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I've actually had to tone down initiating to not make my bf feel like a piece of meat. I'd straight out get down to it, but now I'm a bit more slick. I know what riles him up, even when he says he just wants to cuddle. Start out all cute and cuddly and progress with the touching and extra hot kissing until BAM mofo !


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Where are these unicorns married 20 plus years and having sex six days a week? I’ve read about them, but have never met one in real life. It’s Big Foot. If anyone ever catches one, it’s going to make history.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

MaiChi said:


> This is to find out how wives or those in long term relationships initiate, how often they initiate per week or per month and whether they think their efforts are regarded as appreciable or regarded as not enough. I find it difficult to initiate. I prefer my husband to initiate. But I make an effort here and there. The methods are in two parts, what I say and what I do.
> 
> Say:
> Its visiting time (When we started, we nicknamed sex THE VISIT, so only us would know what we were talking about)
> ...


I have read that most women prefer to respond to sex initiated by their spouse rather than initiating. They can be aroused by their spouse, but don't usually feel that spark themselves. I do not think that there is anything wrong with that. It is all about communication. If you let him know that you welcome his initiation and that it is what you prefer, then that should be fine as long as he finds that to be acceptable. Sure, it is nice for a wife to initiate sex because it sends the message that her husband is desired, but not being the one to initiate most of the time should not be a cause for concern in most relationships. Everything that you are saying and doing seems like great ways to kick things off. You are making the effort and that is wonderful.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> Where are these unicorns married 20 plus years and having sex six days a week? I’ve read about them, but have never met one in real life. It’s Big Foot. If anyone ever catches one, it’s going to make history.


I hope they do! That's relationship goals right there.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Where are these unicorns married 20 plus years and having sex six days a week? I’ve read about them, but have never met one in real life. It’s Big Foot. If anyone ever catches one, it’s going to make history.


Well today we were at a popular nude beach in Australia without any clothes on.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> This is to find out how wives or those in long term relationships initiate, how often they initiate per week or per month and whether they think their efforts are regarded as appreciable or regarded as not enough.


After close to 25 years of being together I initiate more often than my wife, yet she initiates plenty of times as well. Which means she will frequently initiate sex 3-4x a week.

It varies how she initiates, yet my wife will usually say any of the following.

Meet me in the bedroom.
Let's kiss.
Let's have sex.
Let's ****.
Do you want to have sex?
Do you want to ****?
Would you like to have sex?
Would you like to ****?
You can **** me if you like.
I wan't you to **** me.

Likewise she may get my attention, then lift her skirt or dress to show me she's got no knickers on. Or she will show me one of her tits, then poke her tongue out in a licking motion. Plus other variations of that kind of stuff.

Or she will also often initiate by French kissing me, then kissing playing with my nipples, and or playing with my penis. There is plenty of variation in detail, yet for the most part kissing and touching is a thing.

It works for both of us, yet neither of us see initiating as requiring any sort of effort since we want to share sex together and my wife feels safe and comfortable expressing herself sexually with me.

Also since it has been mentioned by others, my wife and I mostly go to bed and sleep without any clothes on. So being naked in itself is seldom a form of sexual initiation for us.

In closing MaiChi I think it's cool that you initiate sex with your husband, even though you find it difficult to do.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> Where are these unicorns married 20 plus years and having sex six days a week? I’ve read about them, but have never met one in real life. It’s Big Foot. If anyone ever catches one, it’s going to make history.


Mrs. C is about a once a day lady and we are nearing 30 years together and 26 married.

I'm still up for it more than once a day.

Health issues are interfering with our frequency of freaking but we still want it that much.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Now, as far as her initiating directly, she is pretty simple.

She has a good bag of tricks to get me to move on her however, from bending at the waste (something she never does unless she wants attention), to prancing around in her underwear, she gives me impromptu lap dances for a second or two and then acts surprised when I chase her down. She will occasionally present herself topless or walk around in only a towel after a shower. 

She is an obnoxious boob bully as well, trying to knock me about with them every chance she gets!😋


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I never used to have to think about it, but things were a bit off for a while recently. It's improved a lot lately, but still. I think the best thing for me is to either let him chase, or be subtle enough to pique his interest and put him in chase mode. Being sexy and flirty earlier will get the anticipation going for later, and that's always fun.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I have lots ways of initiating with BF of almost 2 years...they range from a soft kiss that gets more intense. Just walking up to him and taking off my shirt. Walking up to him with no pants on or coming out of the bathroom with some lingerie on that he loves. I might just start playing our favorite song to have sex to in the bedroom and he comes running LOL Sometimes I just walk up to him and undo his belt and pants and grab (gently) what I want. The choices are endless really. I don't think he really cares how I do it, just that I do it...like everyone else in this world, he likes feeling wanted.

But, to quote my BF "You know how to make sure you don't get laid Jamie? Feed me after 8:30pm." So I pay close attention to dinner time


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Where are these unicorns married 20 plus years and having sex six days a week? I’ve read about them, but have never met one in real life. It’s Big Foot. If anyone ever catches one, it’s going to make history.


What about nearly 15 years and not 6 days necessarily but 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, per week depending on the week and location.? From more than 10 times/week during the bonding period, then again when one comes back to the other after a period abroad when re-bonding is mandatory, or when the girls have gone to youth camp for the week. 

Not every week, not majority of weeks but.......


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> I have lots ways of initiating with BF of almost 2 years...they range from a soft kiss that gets more intense. Just walking up to him and taking off my shirt. Walking up to him with no pants on or coming out of the bathroom with some lingerie on that he loves. I might just start playing our favorite song to have sex to in the bedroom and he comes running LOL Sometimes I just walk up to him and undo his belt and pants and grab (gently) what I want. The choices are endless really. I don't think he really cares how I do it, just that I do it...like everyone else in this world, he likes feeling wanted.
> 
> But, to quote my BF "You know how to make sure you don't get laid Jamie? Feed me after 8:30pm." So I pay close attention to dinner time


If you can keep like that after becoming a wife it will be very good. The complaint is usually that we stop being good once we get married and the men get tired of initiating or assume we don't want sex with them. It is up to us as women in long term relationships to show that these assumptions are not generally true.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Personal said:


> Well today we were at a popular nude beach in Australia without any clothes on.


Promise to keep eyes only on each other. I really don't think I could go on a nudist anything. Don't think I could even try it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Women...initiating? Never heard of such a thing.
> 
> Well, I did have a GF in college who was a sex fiend. She wanted it all the time and used to rip my shorts down and ask for it.
> 
> I probably should have married her


This. My wife initiated once in 30 years... whilst one of my ex girlfriend was the "impromptu blowjob in the woods" type of girl. I should have married her too...


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> If you can keep like that after becoming a wife it will be very good. The complaint is usually that we stop being good once we get married and the men get tired of initiating or assume we don't want sex with them. It is up to us as women in long term relationships to show that these assumptions are not generally true.



Well, we have no plans to marry anytime soon. We've been essentially living together for about a year. I still have my apartment in the house that I share with exH but I rarely sleep there anymore. Due to Covid I had to move in with BF to quarantine and I never really moved back out. Things are going very well.

We both know what it's like to feel unwanted by a partner and neither of us is interested in making the other feel that way. I feel blessed to have found someone whose sex drive matches mine and who appreciates me for who I am. We just fit and damn it feels good. He's a very good lover and I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Maybe in 20 years when I'm in my 70's I won't be down for quite as much sex but I'm thinking he won't either. For now I'm not worrying about it.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

i keep learning, that I suck at initiating, so I probably fall into the camp of "wait for wife to initiate".


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> But, to quote my BF "You know how to make sure you don't get laid Jamie? Feed me after 8:30pm." So I pay close attention to dinner time


LOL What is it with men and their bellies? My bf likes to eat by 6 and when he's here, I try to accommodate that, but sometimes it doesn't happen and if I want sex, it's me on top and him like a sloth if dinner's later  .


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my marriage there are a lot of dynamics that impact the opportunity of intimacy. Mostly the challenges surrounding us both keeping very busy schedules. My wife tends to enjoy a great deal of nonsexual intimacy. She wants to be able to enjoy that without feeling pressured for more or worrying that I'll get my feelings hurt during the moments she just needs a hug. 

So more important to us is working out how to keep things cooled down but playful when the time is not right. We then verbally agree in advance when the timing is right and it is going to be a sure thing. 

This way in the meantime she gets to initiate all the nonsexual intimacy she wants and we enjoy being flirtatious with one another. As a result when we do have time for sexual intimacy we feel a lot more connected. The result is that sexual intimacy is never really initiated but instead scheduled and agreed upon in advance. 

Things do happen spontaneously on occasion. We both feel confident enough to just let the other know it is TIME and we make it happen!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> LOL What is it with men and their bellies? My bf likes to eat by 6 and when he's here, I try to accommodate that, but sometimes it doesn't happen and if I want sex, it's me on top and him like a sloth if dinner's later  .


Well, he normally eats at 4pm as he has a very early work schedule. So by 8:30 a full belly will just give him food coma and he’s fast asleep. But he also doesn’t like having sex with a full stomach...but neither do I so we’re a good match that way.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Well, he normally eats at 4pm as he has a very early work schedule. So by 8:30 a full belly will just give him good coma and he’s fast asleep. But he also doesn’t like having sex with a full stomach...but neither do I so we’re a good match that way.


Mmmhmm, my dude's an early bird, I'm a night owl. I dose him with digestive enzyme tablets if it's after his usual dinner time. Maybe try that? We don't see each other as often as we'd like due to our schedules, so ain't nobody got time for digestive comas.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think women initiate in ways that go over men's heads because they're not overtly sexual. I don't recall that ever being a problem in my younger years and I believe that may have come from watching porn and getting unreasonable expectations about being sexually aggressive.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> Mmmhmm, my dude's an early bird, I'm a night owl. I dose him with digestive enzyme tablets if it's after his usual dinner time. Maybe try that? We don't see each other as often as we'd like due to our schedules, so ain't nobody got time for digestive comas.


It’s not a problem for me. I get up very early too so if it’s too late then I’m tired. Our schedules mesh well. I wasn’t complaining about it, I just thought his statement was funny.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Where are these unicorns married 20 plus years and having sex six days a week? I’ve read about them, but have never met one in real life. It’s Big Foot. If anyone ever catches one, it’s going to make history.


I think its a false perspective too. If my wife posted here she would be saying we have a great sex life and have sex 2-3x per week...even though we don't. But in HER mind we do.

Not saying some couples do not but I think the numbers are skewed. i.e. couples that do, like to talk (brag) about it as they have something most couples do not. 

We travel to Europe most years so my wife and I could go on travel sites talking about how frequently we travel to Europe which many Americans do not. So yeah, some things can easily look better than they are.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife never tried to argue frequency with me but I wanted to track it when I gave her an ultimatum to make sure things were improving. 

So I started journaling it and she knows I journal it. Now I have many months of accurate data. 6 days last week and 2x on one day. Been married over 20 years.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think its a false perspective too. If my wife posted here she would be saying we have a great sex life and have sex 2-3x per week...even though we don't. But in HER mind we do.
> 
> Not saying some couples do not but I think the numbers are skewed. i.e. couples that do, like to talk (brag) about it as they have something most couples do not.
> 
> We travel to Europe most years so my wife and I could go on travel sites talking about how frequently we travel to Europe which many Americans do not. So yeah, some things can easily look better than they are.


I have always recorded my numbers dating back from when i found out that sex reduced the risk of certain cancers in men and I told him to pull his socks up and try to double the numbers as I don't want any cancers in my family. Years later he was shocked to find I have recorded the frequences since. In the whole of 2020 the figure was 266 which was 19 times higher than the year before. Lockdown was credited for the difference but we also did not travel with work.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think its a false perspective too. If my wife posted here she would be saying we have a great sex life and have sex 2-3x per week...even though we don't. But in HER mind we do.
> 
> Not saying some couples do not but I think the numbers are skewed. i.e. couples that do, like to talk (brag) about it as they have something most couples do not.
> 
> We travel to Europe most years so my wife and I could go on travel sites talking about how frequently we travel to Europe which many Americans do not. So yeah, some things can easily look better than they are.


Sounds like someone is jealous.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> I have always recorded my numbers dating back from when i found out that sex reduced the risk of certain cancers in men and I told him to pull his socks up and try to double the numbers as I don't want any cancers in my family. Years later he was shocked to find I have recorded the frequences since. In the whole of 2020 the figure was 266 which was 19 times higher than the year before. Lockdown was credited for the difference but we also did not travel with work.


That is awesome!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

AndStilliRise said:


> Sounds like someone is jealous.


Oh make no bones about it, I am definitely jealous!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

in my limited experience, there are women who will NEVER initiate. the man has to start it.

And of those women, there are two camps...those that do not initiate due to a lack of libido, who often CAN be stimulated for a short period of time to get horny and have fun,
OR
those that ARE horny, but due to their mindset, or how they grew up, just never do initiate


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