# how long has it been?



## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

just trying to get to know you all better and to see how similar our situations are. 

wondering how long it's been since you sep. or divorced the rel. ended? how many of you have dated since then? how long did it take before you did date? even just hang out with the opposite sex for a night out, not necessarily dating for a relationship or sex  also wondering who was the one that started the sep., was it you or your ex? i wonder if it makes a diff. in moving on sooner or not. just curious.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jan 26th, 2011 was the sep day, been issues before then though.

Dated, errrrr, no.

Spoken to females not related to me over the last couple of weeks
not as potential dates or bed buddies though.

The W started it, her choices.

I believe the one that starts the sep has had time to gear themselves up for it (most times) and gets thru the sep a whole lot easier than the one who has been 'dumped'

As far as I am aware, and no, I haven't tried to check, my W is not seeing anyone else.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I hate being a part of this club.  Last night H slept in our bed was Friday, March 4th. Starting the next night he left after the kids were in bed, and then came home before they woke up. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and asked him not to come back on Wednesday night, March 9th. The kids and I went out of town on Friday the 11th and are coming home on Sunday the 20th. I guess the real separation starts then.  The idea though, according to him, is that we work on trying to communicate and maybe eventually go on dates. I'm just giving him space right now and praying on my hands and knees that he figures himself out. He's severely depressed and needs help. And I feel like something is pulling him away from us and trying. I hope he wakes up. I miss him.

ETA: I'm not going to date anyone else, we agreed not to. I'm afraid that he might be having an EA, but I have trust issues which is what he says has caused him to feel like he has to leave to relieve the tension.


----------



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

My husband moved out Dec. 28th. Married for 17 years...did not want to work things out. Soon after he joined a dating website...has gone on a couple of dates (he told me this), spent a few days with his high school girlfriend (said nothing happened)...he is depressed and lonely but refuses to give "us" another chance. I thought things were turning around as we hung out together last weekend and one thing led to another...but then the next day he sent me a text saying how that can't happen again and he feels horrible. So now I am trying to do the "no contact 180" and hoping I get positive results from that. Me....I have not gone on any dates or anything like that.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

November 30th here. Going on 4 months. What a WILD and CRAZY ride! 

Let's see..After spending the entire summer and fall DRUNK and destroying half of our livelihood my wonderful husband went into Child Welfare DRUNK for a drug test at 8am..then told them to "F-off" when they said he needed to go to rehab. Cleaned out the bank account and bounced thousands of dollars of checks and bills (including two months rent), cancelled our cell phones (attempted to cancel the other stuff but it was all in MY name!) and then Child Services said he couldn't be alone with the kids or they would go to foster care so I told him he had to leave NOW. So he did. Then I started apartment hunting and the rest..is epic!! 

Yeah..BEST DAY EVAR! November 30th! I will celebrate that day FOREVER!! We don't need NO FREAKIN' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!! :smthumbup:

No dating. Now why would I want to go ruin a good thing and do that? 

I love my life as a SINGLE WIFE!! :woohoo:


----------



## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

My husband announced he wanted out of our marriage June 12th 2010, I found out he was having an affair the next day. 

I moved out July 1st, she moved in 2hrs later. Haven't seen him or spoken to him since, though he has been to my house a couple of times for ridiculous reasons I managed to miss him both times, no idea what state I would have been in if I had seen him. 

Couldn't even think of dating anyone, can't imagine sharing my life with anyone again. At the moment I know that if my husband appeared on the door step asking to try again I wouldn't have to think for a second I would leap at the chance even with everything he did and how he treated me. I couldn't enter a relationship with someone else when they would be second best.

Isn't love wonderful!!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I moved out 9/09
He filed sep 10/09.
We talked reconciliation and he filed divorce in 1/10 and then dismissed dt in 2/10. I did not sign the dismissal papers.
We did MC since we talked about reconciling and in 5/10 he sat me down and told me he'd had sex w/ someone. I also admitted I did too. This was devastating to us both.
We tried to work it out and upon return from vacation in 7/10 he said he "didn't know" if we should move in together, etc. I said if he didn't know that's fine, I was done, not going to wait for him.
I went out with a guy in 10/10 for about 2 months. During this time my stbx and I'd been to court for the divorce and he started calling me saying he didn't kinow what he was doing, was unsure and really missed me. Said if I loved him I'd not see anyone. I agreed. Then 1/11 to 3/11 we were doing so much better and the D was still going through. He said he wanted the D to go thru and us to get back tog ether after the divorce, move in, and everything. Just 3 weeks ago Itold him I would not do that. That after the D, it was done. 
I am nowhere near ready to date. My heart is still hurting and I feel I need to spend a long time by myself. I spent all of my 20s with him and now I just turned 30. I regret very much my affair and while I'll never know if things woulda been different had it not happened, i will always and forever regret I made that choice. Was so stupid and dumb. . He didn't really express remorse for what he did (he'd also been looking for sex online not even yr after we were married).
Our story is so f*cked because I am the one who moved out but he filed then we waffled by him dismissing the D, me not signing and then me wanting to work it out, him being unsure and me finally saying, It'sd one. I'm not really sure who you'd say ended things but I do know he is teh one who filed. He always said Is tarted everything by moving out. 2009 was by far the worst year of our relationship. We barely spoke to eachother and were so mean to eachother. I would literally cry myself to sleep every night. 

I thint he person who wants out feels less pain since they are already on the road to recovery and kind of "over it." But it depends. Some folks just say, F this sh*, I am done. LOL. Like Freak


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

He told me he wanted to leave January 17, he said he needed time to get his head together. This was after he disappeared for the weekend (turns out the other woman was also away that weekend so guess where my husband was & what he was doing). He moved out on the 22nd. 

We were going to MC, he was seeing an IC. I discovered a valentines card in his truck from the other woman on March 10 on the way to FL for his brothers wedding. I never thought he would cheat as he always said cheaters were the scum of the earth (funny how many of them said that & then did exactly that huh?), UNtil then I just thought he was depressed or had something else going on. But an affair, damn that [email protected] He swore it was over & only lasted a few weeks, they never had sex, just kissed. Even though I found hotel receipts on his email & a few emails back & forth between them before he grabbed his phone off me. I got in touch with her husband too so hopefully it is well & truly blown up. But they work together so who knows. 

I have no intention of dating anytime in the next few years. Its going to be all bout me & my kids.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

bearing in mind what I have already written, I may be having a lady move in with me for a short time.

I have a spare bedroom, she is selling her house and I offered the room if she needs it, nothing concrete at this stage, just an option for her.

Babyheart, cheaters *are* the scum of the earth.

I have an intense dislike for those that cheat on their partners


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> bearing in mind what I have already written, I may be having a lady move in with me for a short time.
> 
> I have a spare bedroom, she is selling her house and I offered the room if she needs it, nothing concrete at this stage, just an option for her.
> 
> ...


Crank you naughty chap  No lifting weights & flexing your muscles in front of this one now ya hear!

Actually in all seriousness, it may be great for you to have some company around. 

And yes I do agree, cheaters are indeed many levels below pond scum.


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

*sigh*

27th October (was our 14year 10month anni) He walked out
27th November He boarded a plane to Oz to go f*ck some skank he met online.
27th Decemeber what would have been our 15th anniversary.. he wished I would get cancer... guess what happened?...

He's living with his sister, moving the weekend of the 1st.. my bday weekend.. and mothers day so that's nice..


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Crank you naughty chap  No lifting weights & flexing your muscles in front of this one now ya hear!


but but but, na, Jan is a good friend 



> Actually in all seriousness, it may be great for you to have some company around.


for sure .



> And yes I do agree, cheaters are indeed many levels below pond scum.


See, we do have something else in common 
(the first being here on TAM !)


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *sigh*
> 
> 27th October (was our 14year 10month anni) He walked out
> 27th November He boarded a plane to Oz to go f*ck some skank he met online.
> ...


he fits into the category of being one of the scum of the earth x 3


----------



## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

*hugs* AMi. i think i read somewhere about your health issues u had. are you in remission?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Today is one month for me since I actually moved out. We decided on a separation at the beginning of December, but stayed together for the holidays and the kids. At the beginning of February, I started sleeping on the couch in my home office, and moved out on the 20th of February.

I have been spending time with someone for a few weeks now... Both of us agree that it's a relationship that isn't likely to have legs, as she's in a similar situation as me. But we're enjoying each other's company for now, and that's all we're really asking for. I do know that this reduces the chances that I'll want to reconcile with my wife, and I'm ok with that, as reconciliation was never the purpose of separating. I suspect I know what my wife would think of this, and am doing what I can to keep her from knowing, to avoid hurting her and creating a very uncomfortable situation. I do still like her as a person, after all.

In my case, I was the one that initiated the whole "Honey, we need to have a talk..." discussion, and decided that a separation was needed. The decision that things were at that point became pretty obvious to me last summer, but I avoided talking with her till October. So in my mind, the relationship has been over for a long time. As my councilor said back in November (I went on my own first), I had already gone through my grieving process for the marriage at that point. I think that, along with the fact that it was my decision, means I have progressed further than my wife in dealing with the loss of our relationship.

C


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

mama said:


> *hugs* AMi. i think i read somewhere about your health issues u had. are you in remission?



Thanks Sweety, got diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months after he left me when he said I hope you have cancer I was having a biopsy a couple of days later...

I had an op almost a week ago to remove a 3cm lump, I see my consultant again on Wednesday and I have more radiotherapy *sigh* when it rains it pours

But I am still here, I have to be, someone's gotta help Freak keep Crankypants in line  xx:smthumbup:


----------



## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

*hugs* i have a coworker that went through cancer. we are all here for you. i agree on the when it rains it pours because my life feels that way lately. oh well we keep going.


----------



## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

My relationship started Jan 2000.... at the beginning of Dec. 2010, she told me she needed space and that she saw me more of as a friend. Dec. 26th we called it quits. I made her admit that there wasn't anything to save if she wasn't in it. Middle of January 2011 I found out about the other guy. He was a great friend of mine. He was also her best friend's boyfriend. What a d1ck move. 

Last time we saw each other was beginning of February for a visit to the notary so I could buy her half of the house. Exchanged a few emails after that, and nothing since. No contact whatsoever.

In January I wrote to a ton of old friends I'd lost touch with to just have a chance to talk my story out. One of them was an old crush from 20 years ago.... we didn't really date... we hung out and talked and started missing each others' company. We're taking it extremely slowly, and it's been fantastic. I spend more time thinking of her now than my ex. And by a large margin at that.


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

McFly said:


> My relationship started Jan 2000.... at the beginning of Dec. 2010, she told me she needed space and that she saw me more of as a friend. Dec. 26th we called it quits. I made her admit that there wasn't anything to save if she wasn't in it. Middle of January 2011 I found out about the other guy. He was a great friend of mine. He was also her best friend's boyfriend. What a d1ck move.
> 
> Last time we saw each other was beginning of February for a visit to the notary so I could buy her half of the house. Exchanged a few emails after that, and nothing since. No contact whatsoever.
> 
> In January I wrote to a ton of old friends I'd lost touch with to just have a chance to talk my story out. One of them was an old crush from 20 years ago.... we didn't really date... we hung out and talked and started missing each others' company. We're taking it extremely slowly, and it's been fantastic. I spend more time thinking of her now than my ex. And by a large margin at that.


You're little story made me smile thank you for sharing. I am kinda seeing an old friend... but it's only a 7 year friendship, but I am still in love with my H.. I think.. :scratchhead: and we have 3 children... so confusing, but now I spend alot of time smiling over my friend..


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Sweety, got diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months after he left me when he said I hope you have cancer I was having a biopsy a couple of days later...


scum he is !



> I had an op almost a week ago to remove a 3cm lump, I see my consultant again on Wednesday and I have more radiotherapy *sigh* when it rains it pours


Fingers crossed, but you know that !



> But I am still here, I have to be, someone's gotta help Freak keep Crankypants in line  xx:smthumbup:


:rofl:


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> scum he is !


Care to tell him that! :lol:


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Care to tell him that! :lol:


Gladly, anytime.


----------



## mesingle?! (Mar 21, 2011)

Tomorrow will be exactly 3 weeks sice H left. He basically initiated, though it was me who called him out on it because I just knew something wasnt right. The following Tuesday I found out there was someone else. Yesterday I followed a friends advice "no better way to get over someone than to get under someone else!" I slept with an old friend. We were bordering on an EA when I first got married 7 years ago. We stopped talking as it ultimatley led to our spouces being uncomfortable. My H still swears we had an affair. We didnt. But we have both thought of each other every day for the last 5 years. He got divorced himself 3.5 years ago. I friend requested him after H left, he was texting me within an hour lol. We picked up like the last 5 years never happened. I told him I dont want a relationship. I know Im going to end up hurting this guy. I hate that I do but Im still in love with H. I dont know. New guy makes me feel so beautiful and desired and NOT a mom!! 
I just want a friend, and someone to make me feel like a woman. I do NOT want a relationship and will NOT be involving my kids in any way. But idk if it was the right decision. Its all happened SOOOO fast. Im lost in this whirlwind...


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Whirlwind & roller coaster, two really common words around here, we ought to take copywrite out on 'em


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

me said:


> Tomorrow will be exactly 3 weeks sice H left. He basically initiated, though it was me who called him out on it because I just knew something wasnt right. The following Tuesday I found out there was someone else. Yesterday I followed a friends advice "no better way to get over someone than to get under someone else!" I slept with an old friend. We were bordering on an EA when I first got married 7 years ago. We stopped talking as it ultimatley led to our spouces being uncomfortable. My H still swears we had an affair. We didnt. But we have both thought of each other every day for the last 5 years. He got divorced himself 3.5 years ago. I friend requested him after H left, he was texting me within an hour lol. We picked up like the last 5 years never happened. I told him I dont want a relationship. I know Im going to end up hurting this guy. I hate that I do but Im still in love with H. I dont know. New guy makes me feel so beautiful and desired and NOT a mom!!
> I just want a friend, and someone to make me feel like a woman. I do NOT want a relationship and will NOT be involving my kids in any way. But idk if it was the right decision. Its all happened SOOOO fast. Im lost in this whirlwind...


I am in the same boat Sweety, my advice to you is, do what is right for you.. everyone has an opinion, someone is always wrong.. you've told this bloke your situation.. if he accepts it and this is what you want to do, your the one that lives with the consequences.. for the last idk 6 months I've felt rejected my my H, felt ugly blah blah you know the score... my male friend comes along and makes me feel like a million dollars and thats what I am craving now... this is for me...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Now I don't feel so bad about starting a "whatever" relationship fairly soon after my separation! Thanks!

The only person who knows is the friend who's place I'm sharing now. I thought about telling my parents this weekend when I visited them; I think they would just want me to be happy, and I'm definitely happier with this woman than I'd be without her. But I figure I'll just wait a while longer... 

C


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

PBear said:


> Now I don't feel so bad about starting a "whatever" relationship fairly soon after my separation! Thanks!


you little devil you 



> The only person who knows is the friend who's place I'm sharing now. I thought about telling my parents this weekend when I visited them; I think they would just want me to be happy, and I'm definitely happier with this woman than I'd be without her. But I figure I'll just wait a while longer...
> 
> C


your decision to make


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks, Crankshaw. I think... 

I think the 6 months of no physical contact prior to my separation might have had something to do with it. Much less the years of sexual rejection prior to that... As the other two said, having someone who appreciates you and is clearly into you is a big time morale booster. Realizing, of course, that this is definitely the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship, where everything is new and exciting. 6 months from now, when all those things that were "cute and quirky" now become simply annoying... 

C


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Sweety, got diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months after he left me when he said I hope you have cancer I was having a biopsy a couple of days later...


Reprehensible. Mad, this guy is a major loser. I can't even fathom someone saying that to their wife. WTF. You are so much better off. 



McFly said:


> My relationship started Jan 2000.... at the beginning of Dec. 2010, she told me she needed space and that she saw me more of as a friend.... *Middle of January 2011 I found out about the other guy. *He was a great friend of mine.





me said:


> Tomorrow will be exactly 3 weeks sice H left. He basically initiated, though it was me who called him out on it because I just knew something wasnt right. *The following Tuesday I found out there was someone else. *


Seriously. It's so the common theme --they want out and then you discover there is someone else. 

McFly--wow talk about dirty--she hooked up with your friend who was her bff's friend. Yuck! If karma gets them it's going to be every shade of bad.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

PBear said:


> Thanks, Crankshaw. I think...


take it as it was given, with a cheeky grin


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Reprehensible. Mad, this guy is a major loser. I can't even fathom someone saying that to their wife. WTF. You are so much better off.


:iagree: 100%



> Seriously. It's so the common theme --they want out and then you discover there is someone else.


and then blame *you* that they went looking for someone else.



> McFly--wow talk about dirty--she hooked up with your friend who was her bff's friend. Yuck! If karma gets them it's going to be every shade of bad.


Life is a big wheel, what goes around comes around.


----------



## mesingle?! (Mar 21, 2011)

Phew! I was ready for "omg! you *****!" lol!!!! ! I told a gfriend and my mom. I was afraid of being judged....but then I figured no one knows exactly how im feeling, even if they've been there themelves, so eff it I need to do what makes me "happy." I look forwad to those texts when I wake up saying "good morning beautiful." I wake up, reach for my phone and there it is. I smile. Before those texts I stared at the empty pillow across from me that hadnt been empty in 14 years. I cried. I am enjoying starting my day with a smile and a giggle, rather than in tears. Even if it still also involves a little goober layin in a nice pee puddle on my bed


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

me said:


> Phew! I was ready for "omg! you *****!" lol!!!! ! I told a gfriend and my mom. I was afraid of being judged....but then I figured no one knows exactly how im feeling, even if they've been there themelves, so eff it I need to do what makes me "happy." I look forwad to those texts when I wake up saying "good morning beautiful." I wake up, reach for my phone and there it is. I smile. Before those texts I stared at the empty pillow across from me that hadnt been empty in 14 years. I cried. I am enjoying starting my day with a smile and a giggle, rather than in tears. Even if it still also involves a little goober layin in a nice pee puddle on my bed


:rofl: hey, mostly we are not into having a go at some one, unless we believe they need it to get themselves on track, we are pretty good people here, and are good listeners, you want to have a rant & rave, fine, go for it, all of us have done it one time or another, helps get anger & frustration out of the system, and thats a good thing, and the next thing you know some one has answered you, and have a real good idea for you to have a go at.

Be good


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Also who are we to judge?! That's not why we are here, this is where I personally come for support. I may hear something that pisses me off or hurts, but sometimes gotta be cruel to be kind...


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Also who are we to judge?! That's not why we are here, this is where I personally come for support. I may hear something that pisses me off or hurts, but sometimes gotta be cruel to be kind...


yeah, sorry about that, but as you said, sometimes gotta be cruel to be kind...oh, wait, that wasn't me, that was, hey where is she, haven't seen her this week !!!


----------



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> yeah, sorry about that, but as you said, sometimes gotta be cruel to be kind...oh, wait, that wasn't me, that was, hey where is she, haven't seen her this week !!!


Don't forget also, this is all written word, you read it how you want to perceive it, it's not always the intention of the author xx


----------

