# So Confused??!!



## hereandgone18 (Sep 25, 2011)

My husband walked out on me 18 months ago. In that time he made only one attempt to help me financially and has left me an emotional wreck.
In the first few months, I only saw him twice, but for about the next year he came to the house almost every weekend, and popped in occasionally in the middle of the night. He said he would return, but not as my husband? He brought flowers for our anniversary and has always remembered my birthday. I have asked him several times about divorce, but he always says we can do that later. Two months ago he returned, with a mattress, but has been sleeping on the floor of the living room. It has disrupted my life immensely and I feel trapped in our home. He has been paying half the mortgage, and we have had some good times, no physical contact, but it is wearing on me. Of course, they are lots of other things that have happened and I take some responsibility for the break-up, but what do i do now?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

File divorce. He has abandoned you and is coming around on his terms.

HARDLY a life you want, right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So your husband wants some sort of quasi-relationship, as long as it's on his terms. He pays half the mortgage; kinda like paying rent. He's content to flop on a mattress on the floor. Sounds like he backs in and backs out of relationships. He's being pleasant to you and remembering your birthday, but I have friends who do the same thing for me. 

This isn't a marriage by any stretch of the imagination. If finances are an issue, get a roommate; a roomate, I might add, that you want in your house.

Your husband sounds like he has one heckuva detached streak. Funny thing is, detached people need people around them they can detach from. Food for thought.

JMO, but I'd start by seeing a good family law attorney in order to find out how to legally get hubby out of the house. Now that he's back in and paying half the mortgage, that may take some doing. However, you are miserable with the situation as it now stands and your husband-in-name-only seems quite content. Time to look after your own best interests - and sanity.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him to etiher sh!t or get off the pot. Tell him you have been through a great deal of stress with him and either he wants to work it out or he doesn't but you will NOT be disrupting your life in order to placate him and make things easy/good for him. He needs to earn his way back. And if he waffles and gives you some bullsh!t answer, tell him where to go and file. 

He sounds like a cad.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

why do you think he walked out on you, or if he has made it clear to you, why? he may be hoping something might of change and it hasnt in his eyes.

just an example, my wife has haording issues, i could leave and hope she gets the message and everytime i come back to check its the same or worse. i still love her but cannot tolerate her issue. (thats just an example)


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## hereandgone18 (Sep 25, 2011)

Thank You for your responses.

He has never given any definitive reason for his leaving. He has made comments regarding my family and that I hid things from him. My family never did anything but try and help us, which he saw as them treating him "like a second class citizen", As I've said before I know I did things wrong, and the only thing I "hid" from him was some financial difficulties, as he was out of work and I did not want him to feel worse about it. Robbing Peter to pay Paul at times.
Since my original post, I have tried to start conversation with him regarding the situation, but he will not talk about it, so I wrote him a letter which also got no response. Is he ignoring it so he doesn't have to deal with it???I think so.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

His ignoring anything you have to say on this matter is his passive-aggressive way of telling you he has no intentions of moving out of the house. If both of you are on the mortgage, you could put the house up for sale or rent it out, but I don't see him agreeing to that. In fact, he's just stonewalling you.

Thus, the need for an attorney to get into the act. I don't know the level of your emotional attachment to your home, but you may end up being the one to move out. You let him in the door, so it's on you to see if you can get him back out.

He made it clear he returned to live there, but not in the role of your husband. I guess that absolves you from having to play the role of wife. With that in mind, I'd seriously consider filing for divorce.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hereandgone18 said:


> feel worse about it. Robbing Peter to pay Paul at times.
> Since my original post, I have tried to start conversation with him regarding the situation, but he will not talk about it, so I wrote him a letter which also got no response. Is he ignoring it so he doesn't have to deal with it???I think so.


Tell him that if he acn't even participate in useful/constructive conversations with you about what led him to make the decisions he made and/or about the current status of your relationshpi, he can leave.

He put you through hell and you suffered a major trauma as a result. He sounds like a child. Do you really want him in your life after all of this? Sounds like he operates on "I can do wahtever I want/however I want/whenever I want and I don't give a frack about your feelings." ::shudders::


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