# *SO* scared to be alone as I get older - 42 now



## sunita1 (Mar 26, 2012)

42 - married 13 years - no kids, but still hoping for a family

I am seriously considering divorce after realizing my husband has some verbally abusive tendencies. I am reluctant bc i love him and dont want to throw away a 13 year marriage - and because i have a paralyzing fear of being alone. 

I don't care if i never have another man - and i like my own company - i have lots of interests and a pretty outgoing personality - and some really great and supportive friends and family. but i am a realist and i know that when you go through an illness - you may have to do it alone - other people have jobs and responsibilities and can't be there - maybe even when you need them the most. 

i fear getting ill, losing my job, and then losing health insurance. i know this is catastrophic thinking - but its keeping me from being able to make a break i think i may need to. the is clouding my judgement. 

have you ever heard the question, "If you knew you could not fail - what would you do?"

i would probably leave - but i'm scared to face illness or very old age alone.

any thoughts?


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

sunita1,

Fisrt welcome to the board. It appears this is your first post. There are many different "rooms" here on the talk about marriage "TAM" website and I think your post may find more suggestions if it was posted on the "Considering Divorce or Seperation" room.

I would first say that from your post you seems to be looking very long term when you say your scared of facing illness or old age alone. There is a long time between old age and 42. At least since I'm 42 I would like to think that.

Focusing more on smaller more immediate steps that you can take might be a better place to start.

I am no way a therapist and maybe that would be a good place to start. Or have you talked to your husband about what you are feeling? You have said you have some very supportive friends and family - what is there advice?

There are some really great people on the website that will have much more insightful things to say. Hopefully they will put in their two cents but I will stick with my initial saying that I think the post could get more/better feedback in another room.

Good luck and keep chatting. I find it helps me at least.

Shoeguy


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## sunita1 (Mar 26, 2012)

hi - shoeguy 

i had a hard time deciding where to post - and then thought it would be better to post where people are already facing these issues - rather than struggling with what ifs like me. i can repost there though. thanks for your advice


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## sunita1 (Mar 26, 2012)

i just started therapy a few weeks ago, and am on antidepressants for the 1st time ever. i have spoken to friends and family - they keep telling me there are no guarantees in life - and you need to act on whats going on today - not sacrifice your life for a future possibility. it just seems like people don't think about it the way that i do. they probably think i'm strange - and i think maybe they just aren't being realistic??


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I do believe there is NOTHING life throws at you that you cannot overcome.

The outcome might not be what you thought it would be... but you can do it.

Playing the what if game can be fun, if you follow through on it.

Facing old age alone. Who says you are going to LIVE to old age?
What if your time is up at age 53 and you didn't go do all those things you wanted to do? Why put it off?

Fear of being ill. Sigh. I could write a book about this one. I have had a chronic illness for a very long time. I'm not keen on living alone because of it. But darn it, I want to be independent!!! I will NOT give my life over to fear. 

Who defines failure?
I think doing what you need to do to be a better person is success, is it not? Isn't failure giving in to fear?


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Is it realistic? Yes. Is it constructive to worry about it? NO. What if he dies first, as statistically most men do? You'd still be alone. And you'd have had 30+ more years of an unhappy marriage, to boot. It's not something I worry about because I have no control over what the future brings.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

sunita1 said:


> 42 -" I am reluctant bc i love him and dont want to throw away a 13 year marriage ".........


To me this is the main reason to stay married.

It is way to easy in the world today to find reasons to give up on marriage. Our society just about encourages it, but a true sign of character is to fight with all your might to make it work, give it time and keep the promises made.

We all go through different fazes in our lives and the way you feel today may and will likely be different 3, maybe 5 years from now. "Forest for the trees..."

MC, IC and trying to change yourself will likely change your thoughts of today.

I wish you all the best.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

sunita1 said:


> 42 - married 13 years - no kids, but still hoping for a family
> 
> I am seriously considering divorce after realizing my husband has some verbally abusive tendencies. I am reluctant bc i love him and dont want to throw away a 13 year marriage - and because i have a paralyzing fear of being alone.
> 
> ...


I fear the exact same things you are. However, I don't have a choice. H of 18 years told me 2 weeks ago that he wants a separation. I am 47 and not working and I am scared to death of my future.
You should really try MC or IC. My piece of ***t husband refuses and it just throwing all those years away.
Best of luck to you.


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