# Bitter Ex



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

How do you handle the effects a bitter ex has on your children?

My ex was never happy and always very critical of me during marriage. I left because I didnt want to subject myself to this or allow my children to see our relationship as a model of normalcy in marriage. I didnt want them to see their father disrespect me and follow the same pattern in their own relationships.

This continues even after we have seperated/divorced now 5 years. I've given up trying to speak with him about his anger and how his negative comments about me are hurting our children, particularly my older son who is only 10. It has come to the point where my son has anxiety and headaches because he takes it upon himself to try to control things so his father wont get upset. Its just not possible. 

I'm not talking about big issues here in his complaints or dissatisfation with me. I'll give an example, I put short sleeve shirts on them instead of long sleeves. It was cold but not that cold and they were wearing coats. He just picks at me and always has. I really dont care for myself but it is affecting my kids and Im at a loss about what to do.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Read my story in my sig line. These comments DO total up over time. It is NEVER OK for a parent to talk badly about the other unless it is rooted in fact and presented appropriately.

I also suggest reading "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshack.

You may also want to go to the parenting forum and look at Parental Alienation Syndrome and visit PAS.org

I'm not making a diagnosis here - I just want you to know about these things in case you see the problem becoming bigger. Also if your sun is showing those signs of anxiety, I'd take him to a counselor. He needs help and you may very well need this documented down the road.

Good luck!


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Thanks for responding. I read your story. What a nightmare for you. Happy to hear you were able to mend your relationship with your daughter.

I hear what you are saying about this becoming bigger but I dont think it will. We have already been through the courts. He had always threatened to take the kids from me if I were to leave him. He said he would say anything he had to to get custody. He tried and failed.

During the custody fight my boys saw a counselor. She said that my son refused to talk about it, that he wasnt ready and therapy would be a waste of time. I have continued to talk to him about going to therapy but he still doesnt want to. I did get him into a group at school for kids from divorce and I am hoping that will help.

As much as my ex would like to, he cant turn my kids against me. My relationship with them is strong. They know who I am but as I said the the anger and critisism does effect them. Its so unhealthy, I cant make may ex stop just trying to figure out how to do damage control. I will look into that book you recommended.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Letting your son REFUSE to see a counselor when it has been bothering him for FIVE YEARS is NOT acceptable (IMHO).

If he is only NOW 10yo, he is TOO young to make this decision. I would get him set up with a counselor. Tell your son you're doing this for HIM, that you believe he will feel better when he can talk to someone, that EVERYTHING he tells the counselor is PRIVATE between them...you and EX-H are NEVER going to hear what he says. Tell him it's the law!

Then get him in to see someone...this is a wound that has been festering for 5 years!

*hugs*


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You are right. At first my ex told me he would take me back to court if I sent him to a therapist. After all that time in court and having it finally be over it was the last thing I wanted or could even afford. I spent over 10,000 throughout my divorce. I've been trying to handle it the best I can myself.

Although my ex cant seem to help himself when it comes to self control he has recently come to notice that my son needs help and has finally agreed to let me get him that help. I shouldn't have listened to that therapist who said it would be a waste of time.

I dont want my son carrying this around with him now and into adulthood. I got divorced partly to avoid the problems he would have if I stayed yet cant seem to avoid them anyway....


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