# Advice - Married, with kid, but I know I'm gay - Depressed?



## alex123

At age 22, whilst studying at University, I met a girl who I pretended I was in love with. A year later, we had our first child, Max, which later lead onto marriage, 2 years later. Max is now 5 years old and I’m 28, and everyone says we’re the perfect family, but I’m in fact seriously depressed. 

I have never admitted it to anyone, but I have no interest in girls: I don’t like to say it, but I’m no straight. I just wanted to be like everyone else, and honesty couldn’t bare being different. My wife has no idea, and neither do any of my family, not even my parents. I love my son so very much and make him my life and of course my career. They are the only things in life which make me happy. I close relationship with my son and we do stuff as a family every weakened. 

I work from 8 – 7, Monday to Friday and often Saturdays, because simply I can’t stand being at home with my wife. I’m hotel manager, for a large hotel, more of holiday resort, which keeps me occupied. 

I thought that that I could handle the pressure of being with someone that not only don’t love, but by no means are attracted to, but I can’t. Regrettably I have cheated and I feel I may be alcoholic. I usually drink to oblivious on Fridays. I drive out to the sea front at night and just look out to sea wondering how different my life may I been if I was straight, even considered suicide at one point. Then spend the night crying and drinking wine. 

I don’t feel I could leave my wife, I don’t have the balls, nor would I like to live a gay lifestyle as I have too much self-respect. I love the idea of my life, but I’m not happy at all. I feel so very trapped, some days even suicidal. However, sometimes I feel extremely happy and love being with my wife. My wife is very happy, even says to me how happy she is. She would tell me, "oh I don't what I would do with out you". I asked her one what she would do if one of ours children were gay, she replied with "well, as long as there happy". 

I should point out that my wife is expecting 2 more boy (twins), just had 4 month scan and that we do have a “healthy” Sex life.


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## jld

Oh, dear, Alex. What a web you have weaved.

I don't know how you have lived this way this long. 

I think you are going to have to tell her eventually. You are going to have to come clean.

And now 3 children will be affected.

How about counseling?


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## Blondilocks

How can you have a 'healthy' sex life if you are not attracted to your wife? Are you bisexual?


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## Soveryalone

geesh, I really think you need to have a heart to heart with your wife. You are both adults, and can figure this out. What are you doing with her when you occasionally feel extremely happy and love being with her? Perhaps find more common interests you have with her? Perhaps sit down and talk about your thoughts and feelings? The more open and honest you are with her , the better you will feel, I really believe that  Don't be afraid, be direct and honest with her, ( perhaps not while she is pregnant she might start beating you with a shoe) kidding


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I think you're engaging in some very negative generalizations of the 'gay lifestyle'. If you LOVE the idea of your life, then why can't you imagine a long-term, committed, loving, responsible relationship with a gay man to whom you are attracted. Why not a 30-year relationship with him wherein you co-parent your sons with your ex-wife? It is do-able.

Why does being 'gay' mean you have to run around and act immature and uncommitted? It's not a 'gay' thing! The excessive drinking is undoubtedly directly related to trying to deny/hide who you are every single day.

1) Get some Individualized Counseling to help you deal with your feelings.
2) If your counselor believes you truly are 'gay', s/he can help you break the news to your wife and family and can show your wife where SHE can get some help/assistance.
3) If the drinking does not seriously diminish (or disappear) shortly after you begin dealing with this directly through IC, then see about Al Anon or some other program for drinking.

You *CAN* be in a much healthier, happier place for New Year's 2015, but only if you make the CHOICE to be in a healthier, happier place.

Best wishes to you and your family!


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## looking for clarity

As a women whose husband is probably a closeted cheating bisexual or gay men, let me tell you that you are doing her no favors. You are stealing her life away from her or at least her ability to make informed choices for her life. She'll eventually find out (I found out at 13 years together) and you will cause her some serious trauma. How selfish can you be? 

You think you're making her happy but you are really not in the end. At least tell her and let her decide what she wants to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee

It's funny you say you have "too much self-respect" to live a gay lifestyle. I think it would show more self-respect to be true to yourself. I understand that you are afraid of not "being like everyone else," but there are a lot of gay people in the world, and it's very common for them to be open now. You may find yourself much less judged for it than you think, and if you live in a place where people are closed-minded about it, you can always move somewhere where it's common. In many cities now it's something people barely blink an eye about.


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## larry.gray

I think the OP left and isn't coming back - but you're spot on John Lee. I sure hope he reads it.

When I was in college I saw a number of guys 'come out of the closet' and I saw how much it radically changed them, all for the better. I've continued to see it over the years. People just blossom from it. They lived for years in fear of "being caught" for being gay. All of that fear goes away, and they can be truly happy.


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