# Wife denying depression and on the road to divorce



## familyguy2072 (Oct 14, 2014)

My wife and I have been married 5 years with a 2 year old son. Everything with us was fine (or so I thought) after the birth of the baby and even through purchasing a home last year. To me life was good and I was happy and I thought she was too! Toward the end of last year, I noticed that she was withdrawing from me and a little disconnected. I chalked it up to her being tired and just the everyday responsibilities of motherhood and a full time job. After maybe 2 months of noticing her being in a different mood, I confronted her only to be told that everything is fine and not to worry. I didn't really think too much about it because I'm thinking that we've never had communication issues, so why would she hold out on me now? I really noticed that something was wrong toward the end of January when for my birthday she seemed to not have any conversation and it seemed that I was forcing her to celebrate. The straw that broke the camel's back came when for Valentine's day, after showering her with candies, flowers, spa products, etc., I didn't receive a hug...just a plain 'ol "thanks". In all the years prior, this was very odd because she is an affectionate person. I knew then something was definitely wrong. I confronted her again and she finally said that she didn't have the same feelings for me anymore and she didn't know what happened, but the love was gone. I was TOTALLY floored!! I asked that we try to work on us and go to counseling, maybe get a babysitter more and have date nights and she flat out refused. I asked if she was depressed as she had shown all the symptoms (no energy, quiet, withdrawn, sleeping alot). She said no to depression and that sometimes people and things just "change". She said that her feelings (and lack of) were too deep within for counseling to work. I was puzzled as to how things could go to zero in a matter of a couple of months without any warnings or demands from her!!! We have always been able to talk about things and share openly whatever it was. She said that we should go separate ways and probably divorce as there was nothing to work on. Fast forward a couple of months when she moved out and currently we are still separated. 

I have tried everything that I can think of to show her that I still love her and want my family back. I am sometimes afraid to approach the topic in fear of her shutting down totally. She is okay to talk and laugh about everything BUT our marriage. When it comes to discussing us, she gets very anxious. She will bring up the topic of divorce, but say that it is so final and overwhelming so that topic is then not discussed for a few more weeks. We have started the online divorce process and received the paperwork but have not done anything further. I have let her know several times that divorce is not what I want. I'm not sure how to approach the issue, but I feel that after 5 months of separation, I DESERVE some type of direction. I would hate to proceed with a divorce because that was not how I was raised and do not wish that life for my son. But at the same time, I cannot keep living in limbo wishing for her to realize what she has done to this family and if she wants to deal with whatever the issue is. Everyone close to her (even her Mom) seems to think that she's suffering from untreated postpartum depression....I agree. Her pregnancy was not at all fun for her and she experienced morning sickness everyday throughout. I also think being unable to breastfeed was a big letdown to her also. I have tried to be nothing but supportive and go above and beyond what "normal" daddy duties are....just to take the majority of the load off of her. 

How can I get her to talk to a counselor without pushing her farther away? She has said that she has thought about going, but she is not proactive and days and weeks go by without her mentioning it again. We have so much to lose by ending our marriage and going separate ways. This is just not the life I envisioned having when I met her 7 years ago. I have gone to counseling myself just to deal with the separation and the emotional aspects of that. I feel better and know that I will be okay, but I do worry about her as I feel that she is in a "funk" and if/when she comes out it may be too late. I have always treated my wife with the utmost respect and I still love her truly. I do think that it's depression, but she is convinced that things are just how they're going to be. Not sure what to do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

This has to be asked.
Have you ruled out another man.
It will be tougher now that she has moved out sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Are you able to check her phone records?
That would be a good start and get the book married mans sex life primer and the book no more mr nice guy.

Right now only talk about the kid to not beg anymore.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yup, this has all the classic signs of an affair.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yup, this has all the classic signs of an affair.


:iagree::iagree:
Family time to investigate.
And do not try to nice her back anymore.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

After the birth of her child? I suggest a paternity test is in order.
With no response to you questions, she obviously is saving the answers for somebody else.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PP depression can be debilitating and it's not always clear to the person who has it that they have it. I had it very bad after son #1, and it makes you feel negatively about everyone and everything. And I did not have another man.....I fat, miserable and lacking energy and thus had nothing to give another man. The only one I didn't have negative feelings about, ironically, was my son. Everyone else could go to hell as far as I was concerned and I had no feelings for anyone else. Probably didn't help that my ex husband was an a$$ on so many levels, but in the absence of another guy she absolutely must see a doctor.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Normally, I would say that she was just tired of your crap (and I have told people that before on this forum).

But this seems different. You do seem shocked that she could go from all to nothing in a matter of months. That sounds suspicious. Typically sign of an affair. 

You also say she gets anxious when you talk about your marriage. Another sign of an affair. 

You are separated and living apart - another sign. You can't work things out living apart. This leaves too many open invitations for other men. 

If you are providing her any money for bills other than what the child needs for care...stop it now. Stop talking to her other than discussing your son and keep it short and sweet. Don't beg her to come home, don't apologize for anything you had no control over. 

And look into phone records and such for possible evidence of an affair.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I lived much of what you describe and I'll tell you what I learned and would do if I (God forbid) had to do it again.

It could be depression, especially post partum, but I gotta tell you this reeks of her having an affair. She's doing a sort of cake eating by keeping you on the hook without pushing hard for divorce. This is how she keeps you under her thumb. Meanwhile you suffer in limbo hell not knowing what will happen. She will have you thinking it's all your fault. 

I predict she will slowly drag you through limbo hell and deny you closure and then when she's finally done with you she'll divorce you. In the meantime you will have groveled for any scrap of hope she might throw you and you will have lost your self respect and hope for any joy in life. 

When it's over you will be, like I was, a ruined miserable shadow of a man and she will ride off into the sunset with a new man who will have mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. You will muster an occasional clear thought in the haze of misery and realize that this new guy was there all along and she was cheating on you. I lived this. I know what I speak of. 

So what would I do if I were you? Simple. I would ram a swift and decisive divorce down her damned throat so hard she would never know what hit her. And I would do it in a surprise attack without warning her. 

When you wrap your mind and heart around the reality that you have nothing to lose by this strategy you will begin your healing.


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## familyguy2072 (Oct 14, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm not naive to think that it could be another guy and to tell you the truth, it would almost make the pain worth it. But she says repeatedly and I believe her that another man is the farthest thing from her mind. When dropping off and picking up the kid and observing her overall expressions nowadays, she does seem really down. I know something has to give and soon, so just for my own mental health, I will be pushing to proceed with the divorce. I can't continue to fight when it's only me in the ring. She keeps saying that she can only deal with things one day at a time, but at the end of the day it's still not fair to me. It's just sad that it had to turn out this way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

familyguy2072,
1. what's your first response when being chased? It's to run.
2. what's your first response when someone is running? It's to chase.

180 this dynamic so she's the one wondering why you're done with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

familyguy2072 said:


> I will be pushing to proceed with the divorce. .


Who will you need to push?
Go find a lawyer, retain them, and have her served.
You can always withdraw the filing before it's finalized, and have your atty keep the paper work close by...just in case.

You don't have to push a thing...its up to your old lady to reply or lose by default.

Or are we just talking sh1t?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> familyguy2072,
> 1. what's your first response when being chased? It's to run.
> 2. what's your first response when someone is running? It's to chase.
> 
> 180 this dynamic so she's the one wondering why you're done with her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
I think I like this.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

familyguy2072 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm not naive to think that it could be another guy and to tell you the truth, it would almost make the pain worth it. But she says repeatedly and I believe her that another man is the farthest thing from her mind. When dropping off and picking up the kid and observing her overall expressions nowadays, she does seem really down. I know something has to give and soon, so just for my own mental health, I will be pushing to proceed with the divorce. I can't continue to fight when it's only me in the ring. She keeps saying that she can only deal with things one day at a time, but at the end of the day it's still not fair to me. It's just sad that it had to turn out this way.


You have fallen into the trap that many of us including myself fall into. You have been buying time hoping things will turn around. Once a separation happens you almost always have one person exploring a new world and one hanging around waiting and this is why they are almost always the kiss of death to a marriage. In the short term they tend to work for one person. 

Many people here will ask you if she is having an affair or have you done any investigative work to know for sure. Whether that is in fact what is happening or not and she left for other reasons the point is she isn't willing to work on the marriage. 

You are getting lip service and general statements like I can only take one day at a time etc etc. These aren't answers and you are months into this and you don't even know what your truly up against yet. Until she is ready to sit down and discuss things you are in a losing battle. The one constant dynamic right now that she knows for sure is that she has no incentive to change or work on anything. You aren't going anywhere...your waiting.

As much as you don't want to filing for divorce is your best option for you. She needs to see that she is risking losing you with this separation or the status quo. The longer it goes on the more she will convince herself this is what she wants. Divorce takes forever to begin with but at least you have put it on the clock. You are entitled to have a good life, her life is no more important that yours. 

Like I stated earlier, you most likely don't even know what your up against yet and if it is only depression she isn't doing anything to help herself let alone the marriage. Your going to have to enable change because as you have already learned, you have just exhausted yourself trying alone in a battle that needs two.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

familyguy2072 said:


> I believe her that another man is the farthest thing from her mind.


Don't.



> I will be pushing to proceed with the divorce.


Do.



> It's just sad that it had to turn out this way.


It is. Only for now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

familyguy2072 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm not naive to think that it could be another guy and to tell you the truth, it would almost make the pain worth it. But she says repeatedly and I believe her that another man is the farthest thing from her mind.
> 
> *She is lying. Cheaters lie.*
> 
> ...


She is displaying all the hallmarks and behavior of a woman in an affair.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And if she has found someone else or is thinking of someone else (to whom she would now have access freely since she moved out), it would have started sometime towards the end of last year when she started displaying this behaviour. It could have gone physical when she refused to have sex with you. These would be the timescales to investigate if you want to.

Else she needs to see you detaching and moving on and not necessarily believing her but not ruling reconciliation out. The moving on is most clearly seen by you doing the 180 to heal yourself and filing for D. You don't have to go through with it.

Whatever is happening, she needs to want to work on it to have any success at all and the first step is your detaching and "moving on" to get her to sit up and take notice.

In my opinion, you should go full speed ahead with investigating what she gets up to while away from you now - it may be too late to investigate the past unless you have access to phone and email records. A PI might find another man or something else but would cost (although it might be money well spent).


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if you have the computer she used, you can recover deleteted information..such as texts, emails, etc. 

IF i were you, i would tell her that you can give her what she wants--an amicable end to the marriage. But first demand that you take her to see a phsychiatrist, because you think her entire thinking might just be depression and it might be fixed so that she would be happy again. I would enforce the "demand" part by suddenly witholding any money you are giving her until you take her. And take her....don't trust her that she went by herself.

You can have her mom help you to convince her to go to the doctor!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Flip a coin on whether this one is an affair. The down part leads away from affair unless it is an affair that just ended.

By the way.
1) STOP asking her about affairs. It only damages an innocent spouse or sends a guilty spouse underground.
2) Top link in my signature is all you need to find out if there is an affair.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you are on the right track.
Don't blame yourself and fight for your rights.
Get a lawyer. Don't DIY divorce. How is child custody going in the separation?


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

The advice you're getting here now is about the best you'll get with the information that you have, unfortunately. I don't have much more to add, except that depression is a terrible, confusing, disease. Being in a relationship with someone who has it is not intuitive or easy.

A lot of what you've posted sounds very similar to what I was dealing with almost exactly a year ago. We separated on October 10. It came totally out of the blue. We were divorced 7 months later.

When I posted my story here, I got a lot of great feedback. There is one response in particular that I found especially helpful in understanding the mindset of a depressed spouse. It was by cdbaker:

"As it relates to a possible 3rd party, remember that depression can easily lead to someone getting pulled into an affair. The feelings of depression can destroy a persons self esteem, and make them question their spouses feelings for them as well. You already mentioned that your wife has been feeling alone, that maybe you aren't attracted to her, that maybe you don't really love her and this is partially why she feels undesirable, inferior, etc. After a while, a woman in that situation becomes incredibly vulnerable to even the smallest of advances by other men. Someone compliments her outfit, her hair, her anything at all, and she'll feel a rush of endorphins and positive feelings that she cant' help but latch on to him. You could say or do the same things any other guy could, but because of her preconception of how you "really" feel about her, it wouldn't mean much. Before long she is swooning over the new guy for having removed her from her state of depression for even a moment. Those wonderful feelings also serve as evidence in her mind that you must be the cause of much of her unhappiness, because this new guy is able to make her feel attractive and desirable again but you can't."


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