# I can barely standy my husband



## out

We've been married almost 16 years and have one teenage daughter. Shortly after her birth, his habits started bugging me. First it was clearing his throat--almost constantly. He went to a couple doctors to address any medical causes, but none were found. It started to become like the Telltale Heart. That's all I hear now. I counted once, 29 times in two minutes but that was the extreme. Funny things is though, he hardly does it at all when we're with other people. Then I started to notice his table manners slipping (I'm a real stickler for manners).. He will eat popcorn not a few pieces at a time but a whole handful which he pushes his mouth around to get all the kernels. He piles his fork or spoon with food, holds it parallel to his mouth then turns his head sideways to put it in his mouth. Because there is so much food on it, some invariable falls off because he can't possibly fit it in his mouth. All while holding his face close to the plate. THEN he will start on some story all the while with the food bulging his cheeks out and affecting his speech. Sorry to be so graphic, but it grosses me out and this is largely why I haven't been attracted to him for at least 10 years. He also chews so loudly I can hear him eating wonder bread from the next room. I realize that maybe I have hangups about food, but I look around at our friends when we go out and I see no one else making such a a spectacle and indeed, correcting their children for doing less severe offenses. But more and more, I'm hearing him burp whenever he walks in the front door, blowing air through his lips when he walks around and slurping his coffee every morning followed by a "hmmm" as he swallows.
Then there's the money issue. We are middle class and don't us are avid cooks and he can make a meal out of microwave popcorn) But he has no ability have any huge debts or bills, but we also haven't been on a vacation in years and drive older cars. We just recently got cable TV. I try to economize wherever I can because I don't want credit card debt and I want to set money aside for emergencies. this means I get my hair cut about 4 times a year at the chain salons and have never had a manicure. He on the other hand likes to go grocery shopping at gourmet stores (neither of us like to cook and he can make a meal out of microwave popcorn) He just doesn't have the ability or desire to be practical and to me I find it shear stupidity to pay 3 times as much for the same things. We don't need hand lotion that costs $50 a bottle. We don't need to give the couple with whom we socialize a case of wine when all they gave me was a pair of socks and him nothing. I'm not resentful towards them at all as they were thinking more along the lines as I. We had several arguments before Christmas because he wanted to give our daughter AND her friend their own laptops. They don't need them for school and spend 95% of the time on Facebook, not to mention the sound parenting rule of keeping computers in a public area. (by the way he gave me used placemats, unwrapped, and used candlesticks from the consignment store) There's the environmental differences too. I'm not fanatical, but I recycle what I can, try to combine car trips or walk when possible. He uses a gas leaf blower on our very small yard, will drive several times a day the one block to and from work and has no problem getting back in the car to buy a carton of eggs when we could just ask the neighbor for one. And now this week our area is have a bitter cold snap so he has decided to turn our lovely home into a series of warrens in an effort to reduce drafts. I was OK with the plastic over the older windows, and shutting the vents to little used rooms, but then I saw he had completely closed off the sunroom with a huge sheet of plastic nailed around the 12 x 8 foot opening with firring strips. Today I stopped him before he got too far putting turquoise sheets of styrofoam all around the exterior walls for insulation. We do not live in a trailer-we live in a lovely old neighborhood where most everyone takes tremendous pride in the appearance of their homes. And the most ironic part of all this is that my husband is a contractor who has worked for nearly half the people beautifying their homes while he's making ours look tackier my the minute. Finally there is the basic relationship lack of understanding between us. Last summer I worked really hard to achieve a goal--a national award. I told our friends about it. I studied, taking several classes a week to prepare, I drove 6 hours to the event and up until the morning I left expressed doubts that I should even go. I ended up with the top prize and it wasn't until I was home for a few days that my husband said something to the effect that he didn't know it was such an important honor. At the next event held close to home, and admittedly much smaller, he left just before I was to go on and perform saying he had to get back to work. He's self employed for pete's sake and works by himself!!! I realize there are many people who have far more serious problems, but nearly every waking minute I am offended by something he is doing. I can hardly stand to be in the same room anymore, and if the house weren't in my name I would have no trouble leaving. I don't really know what kind of advise I'm wanting, for I really don't care anymore about this person but does someone have some thoughts as to what I might do?


----------



## out

Sorry about that garbled mess of words in the middle of my post. Makes me look like I was drunk when I wrote it! But I think a whole section somehow got copied and pasted, and I hit the post button before proofreading


----------



## 827Aug

Hi out,

I hate to say this, but I had to chuckle at your post. Sorry! It's just that I saw myself in that situation a few years back. And it wasn't funny then. It's all about perspective I guess! Gosh, I used to get so irritated with some of the stuff my estranged husband did--especially the SNORING and telling about his life as a boy scout over and over and over. 

You and your spouse definitely aren't on the same page. And that is most likely why even the slightest little things are so annoying. I noticed as my marriage deteriorated, I couldn't look past the little things any more. They were then big things. Have you thought about counseling? 

Hope things improve!


----------



## out

Yes we went to counseling when this first started years ago. He kept his throat clearing in check for a week or two, but the counselor never really suggested a way for us to communicate better. What he did suggest was for me to get therapy with a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressants. I took them for awhile and they did seem to help with my general mood, but it sure did nothing for his bad eating habits. I haven't had to take anything for quite a while because I'm generally happy when I have a good nights sleep and am not around him.


----------



## letmego

out said:


> Yes we went to counseling when this first started years ago. He kept his throat clearing in check for a week or two, but the counselor never really suggested a way for us to communicate better. What he did suggest was for me to get therapy with a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressants. I took them for awhile and they did seem to help with my general mood, but it sure did nothing for his bad eating habits. I haven't had to take anything for quite a while because I'm generally happy when I have a good nights sleep and am not around him.



I hate those uncapable conselor or psychiatrist put ppl on antidepressant b4 they figure out if you really need it. It just treat the symptom not the cause. i totally understand how your feel because i have the same headache as yours.not that bad but still unbearable.Today just took me 7 hours to clean all the mess in this apartment.


----------



## Sensitive

Thanks for describing in detail the little annoyances of marriage. I am sure we can all have a good laugh about all the little quirks our spouses have. 

Recently, I grew angry every time the pound of butter fell on my foot, because Hubby never closes the butter compartment in the fridge. I didn't want to nag about little things so the resentment built up and I finally told him how much I hated it. Now it only falls once per week instead of everyday.

Contrastly, he is capable to doing little things subconsciously to show he does care. He bought his niece 3 laundry baskets for Christmas. I told him I liked them, so he rushed out and bought 4 similiar baskets for me. I didn't really need the baskets, but was overjoyed that he loves me one basket more than his niece.

About antidepressants, psychiatrist are trained to precribe, that's the advantage of seeing him vs. a psychologist. I take herbal pills for moods. I am currently researching PMS/woman formulas. It could be depression or moodiness, but why do you have to take the corrective action and not have Hubby take an anti-annoying pill?

About the throat clearing, I have had a cold all week, and noticed that if I drink lots of water and breathe only through my nose, not through my mouth, I don't get dry or irritated throat.

Good luck.


----------



## cayest

I had to register just so I could respond to this post. Let me tell you, I was laughing out loud at your post!! I know it's not funny, but it was such a relief to hear someone who is as annoyed with their husband's habits as I am. I would love to sit and talk with you on the phone about these things.

My husband does this sinus clearing thing that drives me nuts. When we were first dating and he would make that noise, he'd always say, "Excuse me," afterwards. Then, he stopped saying anything, until years later when we were in marriage counseling and I told him how much I HATE it when he snorts and snuffs and sniffles. After counseling, he'd still make the noise, but he'd apologize or say excuse me afterwards. Now, a couple years later and it's back to snorting without apology again.

He also basically has Turrett's. He's always whistling or tapping on desks or walls or making repetitive noises or singing the same chorus line of a song over and over. Bugs the you-know-what out of me. My 7 year old daughter does the same thing and I seriously used to worry that she was autistic or had Asperger's until I realized that her dad does the SAME THING.

He also leaves his dirty dishes in the sink which drives me crazy, or when it's his turn to do the dishes, he leaves them sitting for hours and then returns, after the food has gotten all dried and caked on, to start cleaning the kitchen. This last one isn't really a valid complaint, I know, but it still ticks me off!

Bottom line, though, I can SO relate!!


----------



## MEM2020

This isn't little stuff - disgusting eating habits show a total lack of respect for him AND you. Buying extravagant gifts for other people when you family is on a tight budget is insane. 

The throat clearing sounds like a minor tourettes syndrome. 

And the lack of attending your award ceremony - more disrespect. 

Very painful - when you last child goes to school you should also.



out said:


> Yes we went to counseling when this first started years ago. He kept his throat clearing in check for a week or two, but the counselor never really suggested a way for us to communicate better. What he did suggest was for me to get therapy with a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressants. I took them for awhile and they did seem to help with my general mood, but it sure did nothing for his bad eating habits. I haven't had to take anything for quite a while because I'm generally happy when I have a good nights sleep and am not around him.


----------



## ocean2breeze

When people have been married for some times often they "let themselves go" because they are too comfortable around their partner and are not afraid of losing them cause they don't think the partner will get offended and leave. His habits around you sound like thats what he has done. You have to let him know you do care about him taking care of himself and at least acting decent around you. That you are offended by somethings he does. He will probably be offended by what you say but maybe it will make him take a close look at himself and how he appears to others. He has lost a certain sense of style or self respect for his appearance and it will often appear outside of the marriage cause he is use to you not really saying anything- so he doesn't think anyone else will either.


----------



## sfguy

You women are so stupid. You pretend that your husbands' annoying behaviors are driving you away so you can blame him and don't have to look in the mirror.
It's a lie. The truth is you are annoyed by these behaviors because you already stopped loving him. You'll find reasons to be annoyed no matter what he does or doesn't do.


----------



## martino

Mods ban this guy, we got a winner here.


----------



## sunshine_1979

Kind of off topic but maybe you have an affliction called misophonia. I am very sensitive to noises, too. I had to threaten my husband's life to get him to quit smacking bubble gum. 

A couple of weeks ago, I googled something along the lines of 'why can't I stand to hear people making noise with their gum' and I found a bunch of info about misophonia. I remember reading that a lot of people are bothered by throat clearning. Just for kicks, you should look it up. It's pretty interesting!


----------



## AlexNY

sfguy said:


> You women are so stupid. You pretend that your husbands' annoying behaviors are driving you away so you can blame him and don't have to look in the mirror.
> It's a lie. The truth is you are annoyed by these behaviors because you already stopped loving him. You'll find reasons to be annoyed no matter what he does or doesn't do.


It is not *love* that is missing.

It is *desire*.

People who become allergic to their spouses like this woman has often try to justify why one particular habit or another is to blame. The real problem is that when you live with a person who you do not desire to be intimate with, everything they do will repel you more and more.

The good news is that love is hard to find, but desire is easy to re-kindle.

Many men (say 50%) see their wives as sex objects. They will measure their partner's desirability by some combination of age, weight, breast size, firmness of behind, etc.

Virtually all women (say 99%) see their husbands as sex objects. They will measure their partner's desirability by some combination of financial success, power, ambition, dominance, etc.

We have a long way to go, before we attain gender equity. And most of the missing work will have to happen in the hearts of women.


----------



## sfguy

martino said:


> Mods ban this guy, we got a winner here.


I contributed an opinion to the discussion. I speak exactly what I think and don't sugarcoat. Whereas you contributed nothing except a useless off-topic post.


----------



## AlexNY

sfguy said:


> I contributed an opinion to the discussion. I speak exactly what I think and don't sugarcoat. Whereas you contributed nothing except a useless off-topic post.


This comment would be constructive:

"This woman is stupid ..."

This comment is offensive and not constructive:

"All women are stupid ..."

There is a difference.


----------



## sfguy

AlexNY said:


> "This woman is stupid ..."
> This comment is offensive and not constructive:
> "All women are stupid ..."
> There is a difference.


There's also a difference between both of those and what I actually wrote. 

Anyway my only claim was that it was on-topic. (which is more than I can say about this post right here.) I didn't say I was polite or any other adjective.


----------



## turnera

sunshine_1979 said:


> Kind of off topic but maybe you have an affliction called misophonia. I am very sensitive to noises, too. I had to threaten my husband's life to get him to quit smacking bubble gum.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago, I googled something along the lines of 'why can't I stand to hear people making noise with their gum' and I found a bunch of info about misophonia. I remember reading that a lot of people are bothered by throat clearning. Just for kicks, you should look it up. It's pretty interesting!


Wow.

When I was pregnant 20 years ago, I developed a super heightened awareness of sound; I ate at Mexican restaurants all the time (think chips and dip), and I remember literally having to restrain myself to keep from going to people's tables and tell them to stop eating the chips with their mouths open! I heard every single open-mouthed crunch around me; I couldn't tune it out; I wanted to vomit!

It never went away. Even today, if my H brings a bowl of cereal or chips to bed while we watch tv, I have to leave the room until he's done. It triggers an enormous response in me! It bothers him, but I honestly can't help myself.


----------

