# I had an EA



## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

About a year ago, I went through a bout of depression (I think). I guess I never really figured it out, but I didn't feel right about anything. Nothing felt okay, and I wasn't sure who I was or what I was doing. I was in a dark, terrible place. During this time I told my husband that I wasn't sure about our marriage. We had been married for 3 years then, and a lot of the time he spent lying, I spent crying, and I hated him for ruining what I thought was supposed to be our honeymoon stage. Our pre-marriage relationship was the same way, but I was young and we wed without fixing our issues. About a month after trying to work through this with and sometime without him, email conversations started with a college classmate (evening classes). We were working in a group, then we just continued the email relationship. I confided in him about my lack of trust with my husband and he made me feel like there was a way out. I know I can't justify my actions, just trying to tell the story. We eventually exchanged numbers and text a few times. On a Friday night he asked me if I wanted to get together. My husband saw it and freaked out, rightfully so. I wouldn't have gone, I just enjoyed talking to someone. This wasn't the first time he asked me to meet up, and I never did. After that, I set him straight. I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore and I was sorry, but the right thing to do was work on my marriage. I told my husband everything, and he listened to VM left on my phone from this guy. The VM showed showed he never met up, but he did call me "honey" and that really hurt him, again, rightfully so. 

We are nearly 8 months out and my husband cannot get over it. He doesn't want to go to counseling, he just wants to rake me over the coals every chance he gets. I understand that I messed up, I have apologized numerous times. I'm an open book, with my phone, my passwords, everything. He has access to my entire life and I constantly remind him that I love him and I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage again. He just can't seem to move on. I do know he seriously considered divorce, but i don't know if he ever contacted a lawyer or anything. 

This is coming up today because he went through my FB and saw that a man I was friends with a long time ago sent me a private message that said "hey". Knowing I shouldn't, I DID NOT respond. I ignored it and went on my life. My husband called saying he saw it and I was a liar for not telling him about it when it happened, even though I never wrote back. He asked if I was going to start talking to him all the time, and how could I "talk to all of these men with no regards for our marriage". I know it was his anger from my EA coming back up, but I didn't do anything wrong. I never even wrote the guy back! I didn't delete the message, for fear he would think I was hiding something, I just ignored it altogether. We got into a long discussion about how I've never tried for our marriage (SO not true) and what I did was so much worse than anything he's ever done (also not true, seeing as he's done pretty much the same thing, but I'm not willing to bring that up because we need to move on if we want to get through this). 

So I'm at a standstill. It's two step forward, three steps back, and to make matters worse... I'm pregnant. 3 months pregnant with the child he said he wanted to have with me. He's told me since I've been pregnant that he wishes he wouldn't have agreed to have this baby and he doesn't really care about my feelings anymore because I didn't care about his then. 

I know I screwed up, I cannot say sorry enough... but I need help with this. I don't know what else to do.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

This doesn't sound like a good situation for either of you, but especially since you're pregnant. Does he say why he won't go to counseling? I think you should definitely go by yourself if he won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There are two parts to successful R, when a spouse has an affair. The WS has to demonstrate remorse, love and patience. Your description seems to indicate you're trying to do that.

The BS, has a right to his/her feelings and their associated reactions, as long as they don't cross over into abuse. Though your EA isn't as bad as many of the A's we read about here, to your husband, that doesn't seem to matter. It can take 2 to 5 years for a BS to heal from an A, even with a remorseful spouse.

The other part; there is still a responsibility for the BS, to work on his part of the marital issues if R is to be successful. I would suggest you urge your husband to go to MC with you so he can get professional perspective. Perhaps even IC (for him) would be beneficial. Ask him to read Dr. Hartley's books on recovery from an affair or go to his web site (Marriagebuilders.com). Hopefully, that will reinforce the notion of the BS's role in R.

Give him some more time. Keep demonstrating remorse. Be pro-active in working with him. That way, if you eventually feel that you don't want to continue with R, you can know that you gave it your best attempt. But the bottom line is, some BS's take years to get past an A, and some try, but never do.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

> We got into a long discussion about how I've never tried for our marriage (SO not true) and what I did was so much worse than anything he's ever done (also not true, seeing as he's done pretty much the same thing, but I'm not willing to bring that up because we need to move on if we want to get through this).


So, are you saying that he also had an EA, but his EA is not to be mentioned? What b.s. If you are to be raked over the coals, why is he not?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's going to take time for the trust to rebuild. You were confiding in another man behind his back. That OM sent messages seeking to meet up with you. Your H is going to have trouble believing you never intended to meet up with this guy. You also need to be honest with yourself. Why were you stringing this OM along? If you hadn't been caught by your H, how long would it have been before you were ready to meet up with the OM? Not possible you say? really, you believe that? 

Your husband doesn't believe you yet, and you can't blame him. You set that up in his mind and he will have trouble shaking it until you can prove to be above reproach. You need to point out every interaction with the opposite sex. Including the ones you think are 'no problem'. You need to use those as discussion points. How do you perceive them. How does he want you to handle them?

He will want to be controlling for a while. Accept it. Be apologetic and understanding. Above all, don't hide anything. And prepare for things to be that way for a while. 

Counseling can help pull you through it faster. Well, a good counselor anyway. There are some bad ones out there.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

He won't go to counseling with me and I don't want to go by myself. I've gone by myself before and the counselors seem to take sides when that happens. I don't like feeling like I have to to justify why I married him, I want them to help me fix it. 
I'm trying to give it time, it's just hard when everything, and sometimes nothing, triggers his yelling. Something I thought I did right, not talking to the random guy, made him lose his mind. I try to talk to him and tell him that I feel like he doesn't care about me; it was at this point when he said he didn't and that he wished I wasn't pregnant. That killed me, seeing as he agreed to try. I asked and after a week or two of thought he said he yes.
I guess, to put it simply, I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to stay positive, especially for baby, but I lose sleep, appetite, and I stress like crazy. This will most likely last a week until he calms down, then it will be okay for a couple. Then it will blow up again. It's just stressing me to the max.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

janefw said:


> So, are you saying that he also had an EA, but his EA is not to be mentioned? What b.s. If you are to be raked over the coals, why is he not?


This.

You both cheated, you both need to process being both a BS and a WS. You need MC.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

Yes - he had an EA with a woman shortly into our marriage. It started (as I would later find out) right before, and went into. The last he heard from her was probably 2 years ago, when she text him at 230am. He didn't write back, and I haven't brought it up since.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

You are kidding. So you never dealt with the extent of his EA but you can't live down yours after making honest attempts for a year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can't bring a child into a mge like this---

It is obvious your H, is now abusing you

You should not have had the EA, but it now is minor compared to what is happening

You are going to spend a lifetime of misery---you state with every breath that comes out of your mouth--your H, is a jerk---WHY ARE YOU STAYING

The child has not seen the light of day---it will not be hurt, if a single parent raises it from the beginning----get out of this mge, and do so NOW-----you and your child will only hurt, and be hurt, by this jerk who you never should have married in the first place


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Bean0909 said:


> Yes - he had an EA with a woman shortly into our marriage. It started (as I would later find out) right before, and went into. The last he heard from her was probably 2 years ago, when she text him at 230am. He didn't write back, and I haven't brought it up since.


Ok, that put's things in a different light. He doesn't have the moral high ground, though that doesn't excuse what you did.

It sounds like he's bordering on being emotionally and verbally abusive, while at the same time being hypocritical about it. If he won't go to MC with you, you don't have a lot of options other than patience or separation/divorce. 

Perhaps it's time you have a serious discussion with him about this. Remind him he doesn't have the moral high ground. Tell him you want to work with him on the marriage. If he won't respond, then you can choose to detach and talk to a lawyer about divorce. Maybe that's the thing that will convince him to turn his thinking around, but if not, you will likely be better of without the continuing abuse.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

I definitely try to talk him, but it always turns in him yelling and shutting down. He gets upset for me bringing up things that happened so long ago while he's still freshly hurt. 
We have both made mistakes and have hurt each other; looking back we definitely started off on a terrible foot. BUT - we are here now, and I want to make this work. He says sometimes that he does, but his actions speak differently. 
It had been months since he brought it up, and I assumed all was forgiven, seeing as I was an open book and he could snoop any time he wanted to in order to verify my honesty. So, I brought up that I wanted another baby seeing our first is 2. I thought it was the prefect time, and we'd always wanted more than one. Like I said, he agreed, and even actively participated in TTC (asking if I was ovulating, asking if it was time to take a pg test, all of those things). Two weeks after finding out he flipped. Now everything is like this. I guess having me pregnant makes him feel stuck when maybe he wanted out?? I tell him during our conversations that if he wants to leave me, he can. I would understand and I would never keep him from his kids. At times I think he considers it, but he never moves that conversation forward. I definitely don't want to be the one to so, seeing as I want this marriage to work.
He definitely doesn't have a moral high ground to stand on. None what-so-ever. Which is what kills me when he constantly berates me over this. Even after I'm apologizing constantly and showing him nothing but love and affection. I fight through my exhaustion every day to cook him dinner, clean the house and keep him sexually satisfied. I just can't win.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

I have thought about talking to a lawyer, I just don't know that I can handle the stress right now. Plus, putting our soon-to-be three year son through a divorce and a new baby at the same time... I can't justify that to myself.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If you can't talk to your husband without it turning into a verbal sparring match, is that any better way to raise your kids?

Either work it out, or separate. Don't opt for trying to survive in limbo.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

That's pretty much how it's been. Living in limbo and/or walking on eggshells trying not to upset him. I guess I just thought that after 8 months of nothing but my undivided devotion, we would be getting somewhere. I don't expect him to be fully healed, but somewhat. I know I was after eight months. 
It seems like he's looking for things to be upset about. How can he be mad that someone sent me a PM? I didn't write back and he saw that. I assumed he would be happy that I simply ignored the guy, but instead it brought up the past.
I want this to work, I really do. I just don't know what else I can do because being his ideal wife isn't working.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are deluding yourself if you really think you were fully healed after 8 months.

Either get into MC or D.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

I never said I was fully healed, but I definitely was getting somewhere. We were working on it and I thought about it less, never brought it up and continued to move on.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Bean0909 said:


> I don't expect him to be fully healed, but somewhat. I know I was after eight months.


Took this to mean you were.

Infidelity takes years to get over. Never bringing it up is NOT getting over it. You guys have some deep issues to work through, but from what you say, your husband doesn't really want to.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

I meant I was somewhat healed. There was no need to bring it up any longer. I had no more questions, he couldn't apologize any other way that would make it better. I felt like we had discussed it and worked through it, and were able to move on. I definitely didn't continue to throw it in his face whenever something came up. 
I think my biggest issue here is the pregnancy. I think he feels stuck, even though he 100% agreed to try to conceive. Finding out that I'm expecting seems to go hand in hand with the time he started these outbursts.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

He wants out and feels trapped. Couple that with the fact that he has had an EA himself, and it may not be something new. Read some of the posts here about busted WS' going underground.

On the other hand, maybe now that YOU have also had an EA, he realizes that you are not a safe landing anymore, and that scares him.

It's either counseling, divorce, or a miserable "marriage". And if he wants to leave, let him. No point in holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Bean0909 said:


> That's pretty much how it's been. Living in limbo and/or walking on eggshells trying not to upset him. I guess I just thought that after 8 months of nothing but my undivided devotion, we would be getting somewhere. I don't expect him to be fully healed, but somewhat. I know I was after eight months.
> It seems like he's looking for things to be upset about. How can he be mad that someone sent me a PM? I didn't write back and he saw that. I assumed he would be happy that I simply ignored the guy, but instead it brought up the past.
> I want this to work, I really do. I just don't know what else I can do because being his ideal wife isn't working.


Are you sure he's not up to anything now as he seems very defensive. Almost overly .. Especially since he did the same thing, if not worse, he seems to be overreacting as if he knows what he did or is doing and the thought of you doing the same kills him. Seems odd... I say this because when I was married and in my affair and i found out my husband lied to me by talking to an ex i flipped out even though i had no right to whatsoever. Just a thought ..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why should you kiss his a$$ while his affair is not to be mentioned? This huge double standard of his will rear it's head in ways you can't imagine yet. Stop kissing his a$$ until he's willing to deal with his. What a hypocrite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

Thank you for the input, Kimberley17.
I have thought of this, that maybe he's up to something now which is why he feels the need to bring it up, but other than that suspicion, there's no proof. He's home when he says he'll be, I have access to all of his accounts. Nothing else is out of place. I'll keep my eyes open though.
It's definitely a double standard. I'm trying to be sensitive to his feelings because his hurt is a lot newer than mine, but I can old be damned to hell to so many times, you know? I constantly feel like crap and none of this seems healthy for either of us, especially during a pregnancy. 
Bottom line is that I don't want to leave my husband. I love him, but it seems like some posters think I may have to be the one to pull the plug if I can't take this anymore. I have given him an out, multiple times. Telling him we will split the kids 50/50 or as much as possible. I'm a product of ugly custody battles and he knows I don't want that for our children. He never takes it though. Says he wants to stay married. He's very contradicting.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, if he won't go to counseling, what choice do you have? His refusal to go to counseling tells me he doesn't want things to work out between you. Sounds like he's just waiting for you to pull the plug. He may be involved in an exit affair.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Bean0909 said:


> Thank you for the input, Kimberley17.
> I have thought of this, that maybe he's up to something now which is why he feels the need to bring it up, but other than that suspicion, there's no proof. He's home when he says he'll be, I have access to all of his accounts. Nothing else is out of place. I'll keep my eyes open though.
> It's definitely a double standard. I'm trying to be sensitive to his feelings because his hurt is a lot newer than mine, but I can old be damned to hell to so many times, you know? I constantly feel like crap and none of this seems healthy for either of us, especially during a pregnancy.
> Bottom line is that I don't want to leave my husband. I love him, but it seems like some posters think I may have to be the one to pull the plug if I can't take this anymore. I have given him an out, multiple times. Telling him we will split the kids 50/50 or as much as possible. I'm a product of ugly custody battles and he knows I don't want that for our children. He never takes it though. Says he wants to stay married. He's very contradicting.


Bean, the harsh reality is that ultimately, the threat of or actual going through with divorce is the only thing left to deal with an intractable spouse. Sometimes the fear of divorce can change a spouses attitude. Sometimes it won't. But it may also lead to a better life for you in the long run. I understand with your pregnancy and small child you don't won't to make a hasty decision. 

If things don't get better for you, I hope for your sake that you'll recognize when you reach that point.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Start checking up on him. IF he did not already have the history of an EA, I could understand his actions. I'm in that boat too. I'm torn as to what step to take next, how it will affect my kid, etc. I treat my stbxh poorly and I don't care. BUT... I have never been unfaithful to him.

Not to make you paranoid... but just be aware. If you suspect something else is amiss... it probably is. And you've come to the right place for support.


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

jnj express said:


> You can't bring a child into a mge like this---
> 
> It is obvious your H, is now abusing you
> 
> ...


How is her H abusing her when she made him lost his trust in the marriage? This is perfectly normal when someone has lost trust after an A, even though this isn't as bad as others.

Don't try to make her feel justifiable for her action please. Even if her H has had an affair, which was 2 years ago stated by OP, they're over it by now.



Bean0909 said:


> Thank you for the input, Kimberley17.
> I have thought of this, that maybe he's up to something now which is why he feels the need to bring it up, but other than that suspicion, there's no proof. He's home when he says he'll be, I have access to all of his accounts. Nothing else is out of place. I'll keep my eyes open though.
> It's definitely a double standard. I'm trying to be sensitive to his feelings because his hurt is a lot newer than mine, but I can old be damned to hell to so many times, you know? I constantly feel like crap and none of this seems healthy for either of us, especially during a pregnancy.
> Bottom line is that I don't want to leave my husband. I love him, but it seems like some posters think I may have to be the one to pull the plug if I can't take this anymore. I have given him an out, multiple times. Telling him we will split the kids 50/50 or as much as possible. I'm a product of ugly custody battles and he knows I don't want that for our children. He never takes it though. Says he wants to stay married. He's very contradicting.


If you're going to pull the plug then don't do it because he's treating you "badly" by being a insecure maniac, he has the right to, but understand that you've made him this way after having an EA and not open to him about the chat on FB.

You guys seem to be pushing the 180 on the H. Sigh...


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

My actions definitely are never justified. I never claimed that. My confusion, and therefore reason for posting, stems from the fact that for 6 months he was okay. He was hurt and he didn't trust me but that I could live with, I understood. There were no more blowups though, we went on dates again; things were back to normal. To the point where I asked if he was ready to have another baby and he said yes, enthusiastically. Only after we discovered that we had conceived did this begin. Like I said, I was understanding of his feelings and more than there for him. Even he has agreed to that. He put a tracker on my phone, and kept it on constantly. I check in and let him know every move I made. I was and still am catering to his feelings and needs due to my mistake. 
My issue is that I don't understand why it's gotten so much worse upon finding out about the baby that he wanted too. So bad that he tells he wishes he wouldn't have agreed and he's never happy with me anymore. I just don't understand because for months, everything was getting so much better. Now it's worse than it ever was.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You need a competent counselor for your marriage. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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