# Advice on helping my parent's marriage



## agirl12345 (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I am in need of some advice on how to help my parent's relationship. To start off I am in my early 20's, and I have two younger sisters, one sister is also in her early 20's and the other is 12 years old. I am currently in University studying away from home (living off student loans) and my one sister is living at home studying and younger sister in middle school.

My parents have been married for almost 30 years and throughout the whole marriage my dad has cheated on my mom pretty much every year. She has never separated, asked for divorce, or asked him to leave (permanently). And it's important to add that my mom takes care of everything financially, as she has throughout the whole marriage paid ALL the bills- including rent, food, etc,etc. My dad has had different jobs but has never brought home money, and currently trying to be self-employed but is not making any money. He doesn't pay for anything except maybe his own debt/expenses, lending my sisters and I some money for cell phones once in awhile, etc. He cannot afford rent and food if he were to leave the house. I have asked him to look for a stable job working ANYWHERE even as a waiter or whatever just so my mom doesn't have to struggle but he won't listen to anyone. Not me, not my mom. 

I have asked my mom numerous times to divorce my dad and maybe he will legally be forced to get a job and pay support. But she always says that he has to stay and get a proper job, stop cheating, and spend more time at home because he owes it to all of us. I understand her anger towards him but he has *never changed *over the past 30 years and she has just put up with his behaviour. My mom tried to get my dad help from a counselor but he doesn't want it. My dad also lies constantly and verbally abuses my mom. He never physically abuses her but he puts her down, mistreats her, cheats on her and she copes with it by being constantly angry and bitter and drinking. I really don't know what to do. 

Things have gotten worse lately as my mom found out that my dad has been cheating on her with a woman for half a year, and apparently him and that woman are in love. But my dad is not leaving and my mom also told him that he cant leave, and that he should forget that woman, stop cheating, and start making money. 

I tried to tell her that she has been asking him this same thing for 30 years and he hasn't listened, so what will be different this time? She just ignores me. 

I am really lost as to how to help them. I am trying to get my mom to see a counsellor on her own but it's hard because she says she will but never does it. Also, she recently has had some health issues that make it difficult to work in her current job. She is always in pain and wants to quit. But she can't because otherwise we will not have any money to live.

I still have a few more years of school to go before I get my degree but I'm debating whether I should put school on hold and work to take care of the family. I really don't see any other option, unless i allow my mom to continue to work while in pain. 

I'm sorry this post is so long but I am just so lost and confused right now, these past few weeks have been so hectic and I have found out too many things about my parents that i shouldn't have. I hate being in the middle of this but they're my parents and I need to help them. especially my mom


----------



## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

I am an advocate of education... so don't quit school for your parent's issues! There is really little you can do about the situation, as your mother has allowed this to happen. You really can't change the situation, if your parents don't want change. Educating yourself will allow you to help mom in the future if she decides to leave your father. Also, you never know where life will take you. You can be happily married with a beautiful family and tragedy can strike, finding yourself supporting the family. Hopefully you can continue studying and perhaps work part time to help mom. Best of luck to you!


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I agree with mayatatia, please don't leave school. 

I understand your desire to help your parents, but the sad fact is there is nothing you can do. You didn't create the mess your parents marriage is in - they did. Any only they can fix it. Your can't change other people. Your parents will have to want to change the way things are and work to make it happen. Until they do that then things just are what they are. 

I'm sorry you had to grow up in that, but the best thing you can do now for yourself and your sisters is to finish school and create a better life for yourself. I think that is really the best thing you can do for your youngest sister especially, she needs to see your example of building a better life and know that the way your parents live is not 'normal'.


----------



## agirl12345 (Aug 9, 2011)

Thank you guys so much for the advice. Even my mom told me not to quit school and she said it's not my job to take care of her, and that my father should be helping out the family.

Of course I agree with her, but unfortunately my dad doesn't seem to care that much. So I really thought I should take initiative and do something about this. 

But I told my mom today that there is only so much I can do to help, and if she doesn't listen to my advice or try to change the situation, then I really don't think I have any other solutions. And I've talked to my dad countless times but I know he won't change. I didn't want to be selfish and just go back to school ignoring all this but I don't know any other option right now. 

I really doubt I'll get married in the future- from what I've seen, it just causes more problems in life.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your parents have to work this out themselves.

It's their relationship. They know what's best for them.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I've walked in your shoes and it took until I was in my early 30s before I realized my parents had to work this out themselves. My mom simply would not leave my dad. Ever. They just had their 48th wedding anniversary. And things never got better they just got worse. They both evidently took that till death do we part seriously.

FWIW for as toxic as my parents are next week is my 20th wedding anniversary and we are quite happy. I almost didn't get married either but I'm glad I did in spite of how my parents marriage influenced me. 

And please stay in school.


----------



## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

Yes I completely agree with everyone here. You are a sweetheart, and parent would be lucky to have a daughter like you who cares so much. But you need to take care of yourself first. Stay in school, and get the life that you want. Just because your parents refuse to change, and live that life, doesn't mean you need to.

Your parents will only change when they want to. Giving them advice is great, give them resources, but don't let their problems run you over. Give yourself space from their issues. You dad does need to go to counseling, he needs a wake up call, he needs to start taking some responsiblility. Your mom needs to get some help herself, no one should deal with someone treating her that way. But until she realizes that for herself, they won't be much you can do. 
So again, take care of yourself and don't their problems surround you.


----------

