# Life



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

As I read thru the forums. I am constantly amazed at the "one size fits all mentality" that some people hold. I understand that we all have a point of view based on our own experiences. But, it seems that some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong.

But as I have journeyed thru my life I have come to realize that there is no one way to do things. And what might have been exactly what I needed or wanted then may not be what I want or need now and vice versa.

For instance marriage. There was a time when my marriage was the most important aspect of who I was. I identified myself with my marriage. I enjoyed the "role" of husband. I also enjoyed the role of father. But the time for both of those have passed me by.

My marriage was ended. I had no choice other than to give up the role of husband. As I have become more acclimated to the single life, I realize that that is a role I no longer desire to fill.

Similarly, now that my kids are grown up, independent, self sufficient adults, I no longer need to play the role of father. I would rather be their friends, and I think they would rather I be their friend as well. Our relationships are now based on mutual like and genuine respect rather as adults instead of the child/parent structure of the past.

Thoughts?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Thats bull**** your their parent not their friend 


Got ya!

I agree wit ever word you said kinda sorta maybe.

Still growing as a person is good.

Just think what you might know in another 20 or 30 years.

Never stop maturing.

Its good for the sole.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree too. Great thread!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I have little use for friends who do not wear the same size shoe I wear and buy the same brand of eyeglasses I buy.

Oh, wait. I mean, the same size shoe my wife wears, and the same size brand of ... 

Hmm, that may not work, either.

Well, you at least must agree that all automobiles must be black.

Or is that gray?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ynot said:


> As I read thru the forums. I am constantly amazed at the "one size fits all mentality" that some people hold. I understand that we all have a point of view based on our own experiences. But, it seems that some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong.
> 
> But as I have journeyed thru my life I have come to realize that there is no one way to do things. And what might have been exactly what I needed or wanted then may not be what I want or need now and vice versa.
> 
> ...


What I summed up from your post, correct me if I'm wrong....we hold our life view opinions based on where we are right now, but since we may not always be in whatever role we are in right now and may be in a role later that causes your life view opinions to be something totally different than your current opinions, shouldn't we all be a bit more flexible?

On the topic of having adult kids...I get that for sure, my role as mother has completely changed with my kids now that they are adults. And what I do with my life and my entire value system is different now. I love it! At one time I know I could not have imagined the freedom and differences in my life now would feel so good. When my kids were younger and I thought about my future I felt sad like I was losing this huge part of myself. Phhhhhffffttttt!!!!!! Now that I'm here I can completely understand childless people and why their lives are awesome in a lot of ways compared to parents. Both are great!!!

I have a guy friend who has kids in their early twenties. He is very close to them, but is actually clinging on to them and a hobby they all do together as a way to not just let go and become his own person. It's hard to explain in a short post but after you see and hear enough examples you know this person is using his role as "father" to Peter Pan his way around life.

The other day we were talking about what we want in a partner and he was being very immature and also basically saying hey, there's no perfect partners out there so if I hook up with some ho what's the difference, I've given up trying to find perfect. I said well I'm in a good place where right now I'm acting with integrity in my own love life and I would not hook up with a ho dude. I know my life is going to be far more fun than that while I wait it out to meet a really great partner.

He said he didn't care about any of that because all his integrity comes from knowing what a great job he's doing with his kids and how awesome they turned out. (Granted both of those things are true, but he is literally so close to them that it's invasive to them, and at this point he still tries to boss them around). 

I said ok cool, but my kids are grown and have their own lives now, and my life is about me not them, now. They don't need my constant guidance or help but they know they always have either one at a moments notice. Otherwise, I trust and know they are doing well in their lives and I spend my time thinking about myself, not them anymore. I want to live and love in extraordinary ways and that will mean with extraordinary people.

He just harrumphed me, which was fine. I don't expect him to give up Peter Pan any time soon,


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> What I summed up from your post, correct me if I'm wrong....we hold our life view opinions based on where we are right now, but since we may not always be in whatever role we are in right now and may be in a role later that causes your life view opinions to be something totally different than your current opinions, shouldn't we all be a bit more flexible?
> 
> On the topic of having adult kids...I get that for sure, my role as mother has completely changed with my kids now that they are adults. And what I do with my life and my entire value system is different now. I love it! At one time I know I could not have imagined the freedom and differences in my life now would feel so good. When my kids were younger and I thought about my future I felt sad like I was losing this huge part of myself. Phhhhhffffttttt!!!!!! Now that I'm here I can completely understand childless people and why their lives are awesome in a lot of ways compared to parents. Both are great!!!
> 
> ...


I guess I should clarify me being friends with my kids as opposed to being a parent. My children are both adults. They were raised to think for themselves. One of the hardest things a parent has to do is sit back and watch your kids make mistakes and learn from them, themselves. The way I look at it now, is while I am still there for them, my job is no longer about guiding them, but instead just supporting them. They are responsible for themselves now and now my only course of action is simply to accept them. Regardless of whatever advice I may give them, ultimately it will be their decision and their life. 

I am baffled at times, by people who choose to define themselves by the role they used to play, while ignoring who they are today. I met a woman not to long ago. She was a 56 year old divorced woman. I asked her what defined her. She said "mother", I then asked how many and what age. She told me 27, he still lives at home and hopefully he will get a full time job this year. That kid is still around, untapped potential, because she is still mothering him. She should be enjoying the prime of her life, she will never be here again and she is squandering it by continuing to play that role, well past when it was time to hang it up.

Of course it is the same with marriage, which I know because I was guilty of it, where one continues to identify as the husband, even when everything is over. I clung to that role as well. Until I finally decided to wander down to wherever my life's path takes me.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

I suppose, this being TAM and all, most people on here like or would like to be in good relationships with a significant other. Hence they think you and anybody else on here are like themselves in that respect. Flawed reasoning but understandable.

NB: I remember being in a similar mindset as you, in 2015. I was done with women, or so I thought. Next week I'll be taking my GF out for our 2y anniversary...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> I know my life is going to be far more fun than that while I wait it out to meet a really great partner.
> 
> I trust and know they are doing well in their lives and I spend my time thinking about myself, not them anymore. I want to live and love in extraordinary ways and that will mean with extraordinary people.


I cherry picked your words. These say enough, no, these say it all to me.

These words encapsulate hope, action towards hope, a can-do attitude, not a woe-is-me life premise.
And while alive, I will have fun. 
And while alive, I will not abandon my loved ones, nor burden them.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I am baffled at times, by people who choose to define themselves by the role they used to play, while ignoring who they are today. I met a woman not to long ago. She was a 56 year old divorced woman. I asked her what defined her. She said "mother", I then asked how many and what age. She told me 27, he still lives at home and hopefully he will get a full time job this year. That kid is still around, untapped potential, because she is still mothering him. She should be enjoying the prime of her life, she will never be here again and she is squandering it by continuing to play that role, well past when it was time to hang it up.


Sounds to me that you are the one holding the "one size fits all" mentality in this case. Why is she "squandering" anything just because she has not chosen the path that makes sense to you? Have you considered that she may be living the life she wants to live? Same for her son. You have decided that there is something wrong with their choices because they don't confirm to your experience. 

Doesn't everyone get to decide who they are and what makes them happy for themselves? Seems a bit deluded to assert "*some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong*," and then do the same thing yourself.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> Sounds to me that you are the one holding the "one size fits all" mentality in this case. Why is she "squandering" anything just because she has not chosen the path that makes sense to you? Have you considered that she may be living the life she wants to live? Same for her son. You have decided that there is something wrong with their choices because they don't confirm to your experience.
> 
> Doesn't everyone get to decide who they are and what makes them happy for themselves? Seems a bit deluded to assert "*some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong*," and then do the same thing yourself.


I have never said she can't be what she wants to be. But in this case she is still playing mother to a 27 year old man. Did I judge her? Yes, I did. Because she, as should everyone, should be thinking of who they are, not what they are. That was the whole point of the thread. It is the silliness of not identifying yourself by who you are rather than what you are. She is clinging to a role in order to not face the fact of who she is.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ynot said:


> As I read thru the forums. I am constantly amazed at the "one size fits all mentality" that some people hold. I understand that we all have a point of view based on our own experiences. But, it seems that some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong.
> 
> But as I have journeyed thru my life I have come to realize that there is no one way to do things. And what might have been exactly what I needed or wanted then may not be what I want or need now and vice versa.
> 
> ...


Not much thoughts to offer here that you haven't already expressed clearly and succinctly. The core concept is rock solid as far as I can tell. We're all individuals and life is not a one-size-fits-all endeavor. Moreover, even within the individual, it changes through time and what was right for one yesterday may be completely wrong today or tomorrow. Hell, if we try to stay the same, we stagnate and life is essentially over at that point. I have no desire to simply convert oxygen into carbon monoxide. 

One expansion of the thought... I rather enjoy having a more peer-ish relationship with my children. Parenting was rewarding, but it's really nice to take the yoke of that responsibility off and simply enjoy my offspring as fellow adults. I'm always there to share the wisdom of my extra decades, but they've grown up grounded and wise, so there's really very little need for that at this point. And as they are different individuals living in a different time, I know much of my "wisdom" simply doesn't apply in their lives. Some things are timeless and universal, but much of life is fluid and dynamic. They're solid in the former and have a better basis for dealing with the latter than I. At this point, I learn as much from them as the other way around. And that's a beautiful thing.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

My marriage is in trouble but I dont think there’s a right or wrong.

I had a Long first marriage what was very joy filled for a Long time.

Having someone to go through life with can rewarding.

While being single can be fun which I was for a while there were times I really understood how having a partner to share life with is something I like.coming home to an empty house sometimes I got pretty lonely.



Ynot said:


> As I read thru the forums. I am constantly amazed at the "one size fits all mentality" that some people hold. I understand that we all have a point of view based on our own experiences. But, it seems that some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong.
> 
> But as I have journeyed thru my life I have come to realize that there is no one way to do things. And what might have been exactly what I needed or wanted then may not be what I want or need now and vice versa.
> 
> ...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Ynot said:


> As I read thru the forums. I am constantly amazed at the "one size fits all mentality" that some people hold. I understand that we all have a point of view based on our own experiences. But, it seems that some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong.
> 
> But as I have journeyed thru my life I have come to realize that there is no one way to do things. And what might have been exactly what I needed or wanted then may not be what I want or need now and vice versa.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with this. I lost my parents 20 years ago, when I was in my 20's, My siblings, who are 8-10 years older than I am, still pine for the good old days and wish things could go back to how they were when our parents were here. While I miss them terribly still, losing them was a period of my life that I needed to go through to become the person I am today. I can't be trapped in a period of time that was so long ago.

Same with my marriage. I've been asked if I would have left years earlier if I had proof of the truth. I don't know how to answer that, and it has been part of my healing to work through. While it sucks that I was held captive in a marriage I did not know was doomed, I don't know that I would be the woman I am right now if it had ended sooner. 

I tend to subscribe to the philosophy that everything happens for a reason (and I know many people dislike that phrase). I may not always have answers to questions in my life, but I enjoy letting things play out to see what the universe thinks. If I hold set ideals about anything, I am likely to find myself very, very disappointed. 

I prefer to be surprised.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

TooNice said:


> I completely agree with this. I lost my parents 20 years ago, when I was in my 20's, My siblings, who are 8-10 years older than I am, still pine for the good old days and wish things could go back to how they were when our parents were here. While I miss them terribly still, losing them was a period of my life that I needed to go through to become the person I am today. I can't be trapped in a period of time that was so long ago.
> 
> Same with my marriage. I've been asked if I would have left years earlier if I had proof of the truth. I don't know how to answer that, and it has been part of my healing to work through. While it sucks that I was held captive in a marriage I did not know was doomed, I don't know that I would be the woman I am right now if it had ended sooner.
> 
> ...


Rather than think that all things happen for a reason, I prefer to think everything serves a purpose. It might be splitting hairs or the two might mean the same thing to some people.
I agree that going back in time or trying to reverse what has been done is pointless. I am who I am because of where I have been. There is no changing that. Viktor Frankl said it best, when he said that at the end of it all, we always have a choice. Many times those choices have been formed by what we have experienced. So the more you experience, the better your choices are.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Ynot said:


> I prefer to think everything serves a purpose.


I do like this better. I may have to shift my mantra.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think where are hearts are at, is often how we see ourselves or identify ourselves.. or seek to find whatever that is..

I dearly love sharing my life with a partner/ being married... so I surely look upon myself as a wife probably more than anything else.... a Mom too (this is where my heart is , my JOY)...

I am clearly more involved with my husband, even enjoy leaving the kids behind as they have grown older... 

I will admit I have a difficult time understanding how anyone would enjoy or choose to be single... I understand this is purely speaking out of my own ingrained feelings on it.... I would deeply miss having someone to come home to, wake up with, share everything with, being cared for and caring for someone.. but I can admit this outright.. I also do not understand workaholics / a consistent striving for success / power.. to me this would be completely exhausting... but still... people DO what they love.. what they feel will "fulfill" them and give them purpose... My family is my HOME... so it makes sense some of us may identify ourselves in such a way...

Many have careers they devote themselves to, this their #1 goal, sacrificing yrs of their lives studying / preparing...bringing so much to countless others ... and identify themselves more so in this way - over any relationships.. and thank God for many of these brilliant minds who have contributed to our world .. our daughter had major surgery last month.. I was in awe of the surgeon, so thankful for the advances in medicine... people like him...... what demands there must be on those in his field... just so much respect there/ admiration. 

We should all reach for what we are passionate about.. for some of us.. it's "life changing" important work for the betterment of all.. like surgeons.. then others.. we just enjoy family.. our jobs are just about "making a living".. not exactly a passion... so it makes sense we might find ourselves identifying more so by our relationships..


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I understand and respect your perspective. If life had dealt me a different hand, perhaps I would even share it. But what is left for us to be when we are stripped of our marriage and family by no choice of our own? When you find yourself living alone for the first time in your life? 

You must build the person you are supposed to be. You are no longer defined by what you thought you had... and sometimes it is not your choice to wake up alone... to come home alone. 

Sometimes we must re-define who we are. If I had known years ago - when I defined myself primarily as a mother and wife - that I would be where I am now, I would have started this process a long time ago!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Ynot....

I've read a lot of your posts, and I know you have read mine too. We don't always agree. But that is okay. It's fodder for discussion.

I am sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here. You are not over your divorce yet. You are still taking stuff out on others because you are still angry at your ex-wife.

And that is okay.

Your kids are your kids. They will ALWAYS need their father. You don't stop being their father because they are adults. You will ALWAYS be their father. Not a friend. A dad.

Don't screw this up Ynot, because you are upset about the divorce. Your kids had nothing to do with that. You will be forever sorry if you do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TooNice said:


> *Sometimes we must re-define who we are.* If I had known years ago - when I defined myself primarily as a mother and wife - that I would be where I am now, I would have started this process a long time ago!


What are you passionate about.. do you feel you missed out on something you could have pursued, been great at? ...there still is today... Many redefine themselves, enriching their lives with a new Journey, scariest as it may be, you press on... surround yourself with those who support you.. 

Youth today are expected to put relationships on the back burner...to focus on their careers- to find themselves/ live life, travel even - before settling down...I guess they have learned from our mistakes.. 

Our generation often married in their early 20's....we all have similar worries.. that something could happen to devastate our families, to make it to our 
rocking chairs... a sudden car accident, a cancer diagnosis...an early death.... and suddenly we're alone too ... none of us are immune... 

I was trying to talk to one of our sons about an on & off GF, she's been hanging on for 2 yrs for him, he's just not giving the time...she talks to me about it sometimes, how it hurts her...I foresee him allowing her to slip through his fingers... he stood there telling me I am *"too relationship focused"*... I almost felt it was a put down....does this make me a sad human being in this day & age? 

Yes...my son is right... he had me Pegged.... I can see his perspective....it's responsible/ honorable...he's laser focused on his studies, GPA, his Job/ that work ethic to build his future.. for him, these are PRIMARY.... the woman comes later... 

Yet... on the flip side of that.. I see a young woman he's very compatible with, he's on the quiet side, she engages him, brings out the best in him... they've shared so much, and he could be letting a good one go...Will he regret this someday? There are 2 perspectives here ... that could lead to very different paths in life, or a detour that didn't need to be... he's at a cross roads right now... 

It's good we can discuss these things....As a caring parent...I want him to understand... if a woman doesn't feel cared for/ cherished / that the guy wants to spend time with her... it's just a matter of time.. she'll walk out of his life for good...there may be irreversible resentment built up by then...


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

You don't have to define who you are, Ynot. You are not one thing, or two things, or twelve things. You are a million things that define you.

I suggest that you don't ask anyone else to put that kind of answer in a sentence either.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hope Shimmers said:


> *You don't have to define who you are, Ynot. You are not one thing, or two things, or twelve things. You are a million things that define you.*
> 
> I suggest that you don't ask anyone else to put that kind of answer in a sentence either.


Here are 2 responses from Quora that touch on this... food for thought....

 What defines who we are?



> That's a very complicated question without any single right answer. Define "define"? Someone said its a combination of how you define yourself, how others would define you, and how you want others to define you. The closer these are, the more well-defined you are...
> 
> But we're not quite single entities with single definitions. Each individual is a worker, a son or daughter, a friend, a lover... we change with the roles we play, and that also plays into how we define ourselves. With completely different traits and characteristics for each role, to the point of different taste in coffee when you're at home from when you're at work. Ever noticed how when you get to work, you can kind of pick up from where you left off the previous day, but what you had for breakfast that morning seems so distant you have to think about it?
> 
> In extreme cases, there would be multiple personality disorder or its current name, dissociative personality disorder – it's rare, but like so many things, it might be easier to understand what something is when it isn't working the way it should.


and 



> This may seem morbid to some, but I want to be at my own memorial. I hope they have good stories of funny moments, being a good friend, Mother, person who cared about others, cheered them up during down times, was creative and resilient. I hope they remember me as kind and thoughtful. I hope they remember that I found humour in my trials and shared small victories with them and that they felt they could do the same with me. I hope they found me to be a person they could trust and capable of unconditional love. I hope and strive for these stories to be remembered and told about me when all is said and done. I hope and work towards that definition of who I am.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here are 2 responses from Quora that touch on this... food for thought....
> 
> What defines who we are?


That's up to you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Ynot....
> 
> I've read a lot of your posts, and I know you have read mine too. We don't always agree. But that is okay. It's fodder for discussion.
> 
> ...


Actually I am very much in the process of letting go of my anger towards my ex. I feel as though the last few months have been very liberating for me and I can feel the tension leaving my being on a daily basis. I am over my divorce. 
But...I am still knee deep in my recovery, which is something totally different. I know that most people imagine they are one in the same. But they are not. I lost my marriage, I accept that. I lost my home, I accept that. I lost that iteration of my family. I accept that. I accept all of that. There is no going back.

What is left? A void. I did not choose to divorce. That role was taken away from me. I have two choices - fight or let it go. I am done fighting and besides whatever fight I fought ended up hurting me more than helping me. So I am left to chart my own course in the world, as that script is no longer available to me. 

My relationships with my kids had already been changing concurrently to my divorce. My daughter had graduated from college, starting a career, moving away and setting up house with her BF. 

As for my kids - yes, I will always be their dad. You cannot change the past. That bond will always be there. But I did my job. I contributed to two independent, self sufficient adults. They are capable of making decisions for them selves. In fact, they WANT to make decisions for themselves. So again two choices - hold onto the past parent-child relationship or accept them as the adults they have become. I choose to accept them for who they are - adults capable of making decisions in their own best interests.

I am not blowing this, in fact, my relationships with my kids has only gotten better because of it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hope Shimmers said:


> You don't have to define who you are, Ynot. You are not one thing, or two things, or twelve things. You are a million things that define you.
> 
> I suggest that you don't ask anyone else to put that kind of answer in a sentence either.


I agree, you are who you are in the context of whatever situation you find yourself in. So in reality you can be anything or everything depending on what the context is. But that is beside the point. Because we do live in contexts. So for you to know who you are is an important aspect of living in that moment.
For instance, you are a doctor. In most medical related contexts, you KNOW who you are and can act competently. You KNOW you are not an accountant, so during an audit, you are not so likely to act competently.
For me, I am not living in the context of marriage or family. Yet, I had played the role of husband and father for so long, that I had defined myself and allowed myself to be defined by those roles. Now those roles are gone. I am left to find new ways to define myself.
Do I want to marry again? Do I want to remain single? Do I want a relationship? What kind of relationship? Etc.

But the point of my OP was that sometimes people don't let go of past definitions of themselves or expand existing ones to cover areas of their life they don't apply to. But not only that, but then they judge others for not complying or accepting them.

As for asking others, that is not something I normally do. It was a follow up to that question being asked of myself. It was curiosity on my part to see how this woman, who was asking me, would answer for herself. Her answer told me all I needed to know.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I think that you and I are somewhat on the same path... trying to find ourselves.

I realize that parental roles change as kids become adults. You won't have the same role, but you will always be their dad. That's all I was trying to say.

You said this in one of your posts: "So I am left to chart my own course in the world, as that script is no longer available to me." The thing is, you were always left to chart your own course. Even as a spouse. Your spouse should complement you, not define you.

That is just my opinion for what it's worth. Not sure it's worth much as I am struggling too.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I fully agree that you are always a parent.

While activities that you do like going out to a pub and having a glass with my Daughter might be friendly I still will always be her parent and that dynamic never changes.

Even today with my Daughter now working and done with grad school I give her advice and guidance.

I know I always looked up to my aunt and Uncle who adopted me as parental figures. We did lots of things together but they were always there for words of wisdom that only they could bring.

That’s something I always think about with my Daughter and our relationship. You can be friends with your kids in adulthood but the parenting never ends..,



Hope Shimmers said:


> I think that you and I are somewhat on the same path... trying to find ourselves.
> 
> I realize that parental roles change as kids become adults. You won't have the same role, but you will always be their dad. That's all I was trying to say.
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think where are hearts are at, is often how we see ourselves or identify ourselves.. or seek to find whatever that is..
> 
> I dearly love sharing my life with a partner/ being married... so I surely look upon myself as a wife probably more than anything else.... a Mom too (this is where my heart is , my JOY)...
> 
> ...


Great post! A great expression of your views.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I think that you and I are somewhat on the same path... trying to find ourselves.
> Agreed
> I realize that parental roles change as kids become adults. You won't have the same role, but you will always be their dad. That's all I was trying to say.
> Ok I understand
> ...


That is why I started this thread.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Just in case anyone is reading this post and expects to hear about a wild night of sex - STOP! Because no sex is involved

So I went out on a second date last night. It was sort of an impromptu, last second thing. We went to a local bar and had dinner. I had a two bourbons, she didn't drink.

When dinner was over I suggested we could go back to my place to partake in some weed. She agreed. So we did.

After getting a buzz on I proceeded to tell her a whole series of stories about things that had happened in my life. She also told stories about her own life. 

Both of our stories, were of our lives, pre-marriage, married, and post divorce. At one point she said that my whole demeanor changed depending on what part of my life I was talking about. Pre-marriage, all of my stories were about the fun and adventures I had. While, married, they were more about duties, obligations, unmet expectations and disappointments. Post divorce the stories were more about the craziness I kept discovering in other people (we are all crazy to one degree or another). She said that my demeanor changed with each scenario.

I started thinking about this. Man, she was right. Before I got married, while I still unsure of myself, I still had fun. While married, I was even less sure of myself and life became about my duties and obligations. My life became rather grim and much more serious. Post divorce I have tried to overcome that much more morose person I had become and rediscover some of the amusement and fun of my youth.

She claimed her stories weren't very interesting, yet she told me some hilarious stories. And some of them involved a level of craziness that was completely the opposite of who she presented herself to be.

Unfortunately, I fear the lack of physical attraction which precludes any sexual activity will squash this friendship before it really starts. More so from her side than my own. She strongly hinted several times that she was open to it.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Ynot said:


> As I read thru the forums. I am constantly amazed at the "one size fits all mentality" that some people hold. I understand that we all have a point of view based on our own experiences. But, it seems that some people have decided that things are only to be one particular way and if one strays from that, then it is wrong.
> 
> But as I have journeyed thru my life I have come to realize that there is no one way to do things. And what might have been exactly what I needed or wanted then may not be what I want or need now and vice versa.
> 
> ...


I think you're confusing two things. Nothing is permanent or forever. All literature - scientific and artistic - tells us that our roles change as we go through life. We may be parents for a while, but eventually, the children are grown, and if they are to become the fullness of adults that they are meant to be, we must release the chains that tie them to us...and if they wish to socialize with us later, that is their choice, not ours. That concept turns out to be "one size fits all" - that is to say, in all cases, parents who attempt to continue to treat their children as children even into the child's adulthood will either impair the child's ability to fully flourish, or they will cause the child to rebel and the parent may find themself cut out of the child's life.

I was a husband and now I am not. I am content being a serial dater, even as I am in my dotage (or, as Dante called it, my "decrepitude"). I could be interested in being a husband again...but the possibility of having third parties (attorneys, judges) have that much control over my life again is presently a barrier I'm not ready to overcome.

Just sayin'


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> I think you're confusing two things. Nothing is permanent or forever. All literature - scientific and artistic - tells us that our roles change as we go through life. We may be parents for a while, but eventually, the children are grown, and if they are to become the fullness of adults that they are meant to be, we must release the chains that tie them to us...and if they wish to socialize with us later, that is their choice, not ours. That concept turns out to be "one size fits all" - that is to say, in all cases, parents who attempt to continue to treat their children as children even into the child's adulthood will either impair the child's ability to fully flourish, or they will cause the child to rebel and the parent may find themself cut out of the child's life.
> 
> I was a husband and now I am not. I am content being a serial dater, even as I am in my dotage (or, as Dante called it, my "decrepitude"). I could be interested in being a husband again...but the possibility of having third parties (attorneys, judges) have that much control over my life again is presently a barrier I'm not ready to overcome.
> 
> Just sayin'


Actually that is exactly what I am saying. Nothing is permanent and everything changes. My post was in response to the many posts I see on TAM about marriage being forever and people don't change etc. The reality is that we all change and we all change (or at least should) with every new experience we have.
It just sometimes gets old listening to other posters shaming another one because of a decision or choice that they made after being affected by change, on the basis of imagining that anything is permanent.


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