# So confused and depressed



## sparkiUK (Mar 19, 2012)

This will be a long post, so please bare with me. I'm a 44 year old man, married for almost 19 years, with 2 children age 14 and 16. And just had an affair. So there's the intro. I know a lot of people on here are going to say I'm being selfish when I write the rest, so i'm ready for that, but I'm going to tell me story, cause at present, the way I feel is getting me down and I often have suicidal thoughts.

It started about 10 years ago, initially as a lack of sex. What was never really regular became less and less frequent to the point of i wondered what was wrong with me. I'd take her out for dinners, bought her flowers and gifts, dated her again i guess in the hope of igniting a spark; that never lit. So I asked her one evening that why does she never seem to want to make love anymore? I adored her. It became a Saturday morning thing in the end, and not every Saturday. Her answer to me then was that she 'liked' me, loved me in a way but said that she didn't fancy me like she knew i fancied her. That was devastating. I didn't know what to do. I went and drove for hours, just to get out. I don't think i spoke to my wife much for a few days after that. But I stayed. I loved her, we had small children.

Fast forward 2 years and things were no better, we got on well, great friends, went on nice holidays, i looked forwards to the weekends when i may get some love and affection. I'd often just come up and give her a hug, kiss her neck etc, and often the response was stop it, get off, immediately followed by 'I'm tired'. I was just showing some affection. She would every year ask what i wanted for my birthday and every year I'd give the same answer, I'd like her to show some affection, take me to bed perhaps one night, just once, initiate sex. Never did, it was always me. So i ended up having a 6 month affair with a work colleague. I wasn't looking for one, it just happened, and i ended in the end as i didn't love this woman, it was just sex.

Then 4 years ago my wife's job got moved from England to Germany. Should we go? We had the kids to think about, but they'd be provided for at an international school, and i had my business, which i ran from home but do have a partner. We went, we sold the house and bought one in Germany where we are now and everything was ok for a while. But I was lonely, so very lonely. Taking the kids to school, clean the house, do the washing, shopping etc, feed the kids. A househusband. In a foreign country, trying, still trying to learn the language. But being a man, home alone is hard, all the people you meet are through school, and 95% of the time are women. Which led last year to another affair. We were initially great friends. Would meet for coffee once a week, then twice a week, and then almost every day. We went out for the day sometimes and then after about 4 months ended up in bed together. She was married too, with 2 children about the same age as mine. I fell in love with her. We got on so well together, liked the same things, the same hobbies and interests, went running together, etc and she was so affectionate. Finally when i was being affectionate i got some affection back. Yes I know she was giving me the things i wanted that my wife wasn't. And then it ended about 6 weeks after it started as her husband found us in bed together. Still vivid to this day, and yes i know we deserve it and i feel for him, he didn't deserve that, thats a horrible way to find out. 

My wife was away at the time, I didn't sleep that night, I cried most of it, I felt so sorry for what i had done to my wife, and the next morning I told her, and she forgave me. She told me it didn't surprise her that I had an affair, but that she forgave me, and that she loved me more now that she did all those years ago when she said she didn't. I stopped seeing the other woman, and we tried to make our marriage work, and it did for maybe a month, 6 weeks, it was better. By better i mean that my wife actually made an effort to spend time with me. We changed how we ran our lives, were perhaps before she got up for work before me and was gone before me and the kids got up. I would then get up at the same time, have breakfast together before she left. I'd meet her at the train station on the way home etc. And then it all stopped. Or maybe I stopped. I started having contact with the other woman again. I missed her, i really missed her and she wanted someone to talk to, her marriage was falling apart, her husband wanted to work things out, she didn't, she'd had enough and still wanted to see me and to be fair i still wanted to see her. My best friend and person i'd fallen in love with had gone, been taken from me and then we were talking again. We'd meet discreetly again, have a coffee etc. A few months later they moved back to the UK, her husband basically didn't tryst her being near me and moved her and their kids back to the uk, and the night the arrived back, threw her out, so she went to live with her sister. He has treated her so badly, he's hit her, and the kids, and since that split so many stories have come out about him I'm surprised he has any friends. She's almost divorced now and we speak every day via the internet. I've been to see her a few times since and we can both see a wonderful life together. I'm still in love with her and she is very much in love with me. She wants me to leave my wife and start a life with her. I can see a lovely future together, buying a house, doing it up, doing even the boring stuff together, the washing the ironing the cooking etc. She's lovely. But I'm still married, i have 2 kids at critical ages in their schooling. And I'm so confused. I love my wife, I hate to hurt her, but I am hurting her, every day. I'm finding i'm ignoring her, I avoid doing things with her and even my talking to the other woman I'm deceiving her, she deserves better. I don't know what to do? I hate to see my wife so upset. She cries a lot as I'm not paying her any attention. But thats how I've been treated for over 10 years. I don't like it when she kisses me, and i certainly don't want to make love with her anymore. All I can think about is how nice live with this other woman will be. ITs not like its just sex, we were great friends before, and still are. We had a wonderful friendship before the affair started. I'd marry her if I could. But i don't know if i can leave my wife, I still love her, i know she loves me, I hate to see her so sad, i don't want to upset the kids. She was crying yesterday and i gave her a hug but had to say that i love you, i do, but i'm not in love with you at the moment. I don't want to spend the rest of my life if i stay regretting not being with this other woman, who i love dearly and think about every day. When my wife goes away i don't miss her. I think all the years without and passion or affection has taken its toll on me, and the affection i now have is for someone else. I've tried to ignore this other woman and concentrate on my marriage but its just making me miserable, I miss her too much and want to do all the thing her and i have talked about doing in future. But still I struggle to leave my wife. Its getting me down. I've tried counselling, it doesn't seem to get me anywhere. I don't want to go back to the marriage I've had, I didn't like it. It was ok, but passionless. If I don't even want my wife to kiss me how can it work, yet i still love her. I don't get why i feel like that. But I need to make a decision, stay or go. My wife says she can't handle this much longer, the fact i don't want to do anything with her anymore. And the other woman feels like she's in limbo, am i staying or not, she's desperate for me to leave, i know she's lonely being alone now with one of the kids and i'm hurting her too being here with my wife. She won't wait for me forever. She cries a lot too, knowing i'm in the same house as my wife but in love with her. She doesn't want to lose me and i don't want to lose her. As i say I've tried to forget about her, but i can't. I though perhaps i should cut off all communication with her but that send her the message i don't want her, which i do, but it allows me to concentrate on my marriage. That a contradiction isn't it? I don't want to hurt my wife, i must have feelings for her if i'm struggling to leave. I can't bring myself to tell the kids we're separating, she'll be devastated, and it makes me think i should stay, she'll be happy, kids will be happy and I will live the rest of my life wondering what might have been. Please help. Someone told me the other day to ask yourself how i would feel if i found my wife having an affair, relieved i said. I want her to be happy too. I'm scared if i do leave that it was the wrong decision


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I suggest that the first step towards improving your situation would be understanding the behaviors of the people involved including yourself. 

Before I begin let me preface this with the fact that the advice offered below is based on generalizations and as such may not fully apply to you. Take from it what you need.

Based on what you wrote, beginning with the relationship with your wife, it is likely that one of the main reasons she was not returning the affection was that she lost her attraction to you. Please keep in mind that you showing her affection is connection building which is quite separate from attraction. 

To see if this was the case below I have listed a breakdown of attraction in general terms, please look at it and see how much applies to you: 

*
Attraction: *

- while each woman is different there are certain characteristics in men that women across the species find attractive
- attraction is not a choice. That is generally a woman cannot choose who she is attracted to neither the intensity of the feeling
- women usually experience attraction when exposed to a suite of behaviors in her partner or potential partner such as: confidence, leader of men, decisiveness, social mastery etc... Conversely they loose attraction when exposed to opposite behavior.

*Alpha male: *
-	confidence, leadership, decisiveness
-	control your reality, social mastery
-	have a still center, nothing phases you
-	tone of voice and body language 
-	unashamed, relaxed

Now regarding your affair. Firstly it is highly likely that what you currently feel for the other woman is what conventional wisdom calls falling in love. It's a well documented hormonal reaction in relation to the opposite sex. This hormonal reaction is finite in time and theoretically can occur at any time when a suitable partner is detected. It is likely as well that the context where your emotional and sexual needs had gone unfulfilled for years contributed to the onset of this feeling.

Ironically you being attractive to another woman generated feelings of attraction in your wife. It may have hurt her as well but also made her more attracted to you than she had been in years. It's a natural response as another woman desiring you automatically makes you more valuable and elicits that emotional response. 

Your wife is suffering now because of the loss of connection. She may have rejected your affection for years because of her low attraction for you but now that it's gone she misses it. 

As to what to do next that is entirely your decision. 

I can advise that the hormonal reaction you perceive as love is limited in time, it will simmer down and should you pursue a relationship with the other woman you will be in a similar position as with your wife, which is challenged to build a long term relationship outside the influence of the hormonal coctail. 
Her long term characteristics are not visible right now to you. 

On the other hand I can advise that attraction is not a choice for a woman. That is your wife does not choose who she is attracted to or the magnitude of it. In a sense her attraction to you is your responsibility. In order to progress towards a balanced relationship with your wife and get from her the affection you deserve you need to act more like an alpha male. 
Since attraction is not a choice one cannot expect a woman to manufacture it inside her. 

That said she could certainly take steps to improve the situation. Her behavior suggests she has no good term of comparison to be happy and appreciative of what she has. 

Ironically the other woman having been abused will be more appreciative and attracted to you at least in the beginning because the has a point of comparison heavily favoring you.


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## sparkiUK (Mar 19, 2012)

Sorry for that long post. I've read the comments you made. I often wonder if I'm chasing something i'll only have a for a while before it goes again, but then we were / are friends way before i had the affair, its not like it was a purely sexual thing. And what you seem to be saying is that for my wife to show any affection, I need to change, be more decisive, more an alpha male. But thats not me. the 'other woman' wants me for who i am now. For some reason my wife holds something over me stopping me leaving, i know i love her, but I know I'll never be truly happy staying. Grass isn't always greener too, I know that. I'm so confused.


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## aidennsoah (Apr 2, 2012)

I would suggest you to stay with your wife and kids. If you get separated with your wife and children, then it would like hurting yourself and your family. As you are a matured person talk about yourself and go in the right way. If you really love your wife, after few days staying with other you obviously thinking about your wife and children and want to get back to her. At present just control yourself and tell her give the value to marriage and do not break up with your partner. One can get changed if we give affectionate love and care towards them.

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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I often wonder if I'm chasing something i'll only have a for a while before it goes again


You most definitely are.

Did you read and understand FreedomCorp's post?

Your feelings towards the affair partner are certainly temporary and will diminish in less than 1 or maximum 2 years after you start a real relationship with them. For someone in your situation(age and background), I would say those feelings will only last a short few months.

It's very possible for the affair partner to end up being a modified version of your own wife with more challenging personality conflicts than you can imagine.

In any case, you have done a terrible thing to your family and don't ever think it's not going to hurt them in the future. You will end up paying a big price for your dishonesty and betrayal regardless of how you may try to justify it for yourself. Your kids will have a much lacking relationship with you forever. That's a choice you are making by continuing the affair and thinking about abandoning your family. 

Your wife deserves to know all this, so get a divorce TOMORROW.

Then move in with the affair partner and pursue the great life you are imagining. You will lose your wife and the respect of your children forever. 

Hope the woman is worth a lifetime of feeling resented by your own kids. It's a hefty price to pay for her.


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