# First came his affair. Then separation. Then my affair.



## Paulina (Jan 8, 2013)

I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT MY SITUATION. I will accept your advice and your judgement equally so please be honest, because it is pretty messed up...

My husband cheated on me after 11 years of marriage. For 3 years he endured the symptoms of my recently diagnosed Bipolar disorder. It was hard on him. Then he started an emotional affair online, then he wanted more, and he eventually had sex with a woman 10 years his younger one night when he decided to make his online fantasy a reality. After only one encounter they were irreparably in love. He asked me for a divorce the next day he came back home after visiting her. 
I tried so hard, for months and months, enduring his rejection, his coldness, his indifference with stoic patience. I wanted our family to survive. I was willing to forgive, but he just didnt care. He wanted to leave me. He told me he was in love. That she was his soulmate, this young lady he had meet only once. He became cruel and mean. He resented me for wanting him back and for wanting to forgive him. He threatened with taking our son's custody and using my health history against me at one point, he kept telling him he wanted to divorce me for years. He became a bad man. 
Meanwhile I felt like dying, every day. I fell into deep depression. I was emotionally numb for weeks. I could not stop crying. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. My whole world collapsed. 
So I eventually gave up trying, I have now accepted that he no longer wants me in his life, after he told me so many times. I accepted this 4 months ago.
We agreed on living together because we cant afford a divorce right now. But we were clear. We are separated. We are getting a divorce. I worked towards detaching myself emotionally from him. 
I found a divorce lawyer. 
I looked for a new place to live.
I was ready. I had accepted things. I was heartbroken but feeling strong. 
I went out with friends more, I tried to do things for myself, I started to feel healthy and lose weight. But inside I felt this quiet, lingering sad feeling: my marriage was over, I loved my husband. He was gone. *This lingering sadness is with me always*. 

And then it happened. Our best friend, one of his best friends, told me he had feelings for me weeks ago. And I realized, after spending hours talking to him the prior week, that I had feelings for him too.
I was flooded with feelings of hopelessness and sadness for the end of my marriage and most of all, I wanted to stop feeling the pain. So we kissed. And we started a relationship. I told myself that I wanted to move on, and damn the repercussions. But really, I just wanted to stop feeling the pain. And the pain actually stopped. 

I AM SEPARATED and I AM STILL MARRIED THOUGH.

The guilt is so utterly crushing that I feel like I am losing control. The guilt of having to hide something makes it wrong. I hide it because my husband can't find out, because of what he might do out of spite during the divorce, because he is a very resentful man. And he has already told me that, although we are separated, he cant tolerate the idea of me being with another man. 

My husband cheated on me and treated me so horribly for months, without compassion and with cruelty. 
But that doesnt justify the fact that I chose our, his best friend as the man I wanted to move on with. 
This was the wrong choice. It will cause my husband pain. I feel horribly guilty about causing someone else such pain. And yet I understand that it was my decision and I knew that all along.....
I am separated but only by spoken agreement. I am still a married woman. 
I have the right to happiness but at what cost? and am I really happy or am I just vulnerable?
And am I just as bad of a person as my husband was, now that I chose our best friend to start a new relationship and therefore violated an unspoken bond?


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I think you chose the best friend out of extreme passive aggressive anger. You wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt you. 

The relationship wont last most likely. 

Your a very hurt, confused woman. I feel for you. Some time completely alone to evaluate your life, your values, find out who you really are, what kind of person you want to be migh be valuable for you. 

And, of course, counseling

Best of luck to you


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

The excuse that you are only doing something absurd because it had been done to you is a idiotic.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You must end this affair.

They will cheat with you they will cheat on you.

Is the OM married?

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Payback is a *****. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How long before the divorce is final? I assume he is still banging the OW but he wants you to be celibate. You are not still having sex with him right ?

Neither you or his best friend will end up missing him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First this OM is a bad guy. He is supposed to be your husbands friend, yet he's making a play and having an affair you? It would be one thing to have waited until after the divorce, but now? Sorry, but this guy isn't a good guy to do what he's doing. not to you, not to your husband.

this guy isn't a friend to either of you.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m going to take your story on face value. The intent of your marriage is to end it. It is dead, gone, and you are grieving it. This is what your husband wants. You offered R, he refused. This is what you had to accept. So, as far as I can tell, you owe the marriage or your husband nothing. A marriage is a lot more than a legal contract... and that is all there is left of it. The stage you are at is detaching and getting the divorce stuff in order.

While the timing is off and a “rebound”, you are moving on. My guess here is you really aren’t ready yet for a serious relationship and just grasping for a life preserver. That is what this OM is; Something to get your mind elsewhere instead of feeling that ultimate rejection from your husband. End the outside relationship or don’t... Whatever you want. I would however tell your husband you are moving on, dating others, and see if he’s willing to do an uncontested divorce so you can speed up the process and save cost. So what if it hurts him; He should no longer be your concern. He made his choices already.... you are just accepting them.


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## Paulina (Jan 8, 2013)

Two Faces: I have been seeing a therapist since my husband cheated on me and she asked me the same question: do you think that you wanted to hurt your husband for what he did? The possibility of me being capable of doing that is horrible and deeply saddening. I would never want to cause my husband any pain, however I can't deny that when I made my choice I knew it would cause him pain...
Now I question my values and my worth because of my choice.

The divorce wont happen for a while. It could be months. We are broke and NO I am not having sex with him. I stopped doing that when I told him that I was moving on, that I was done waiting for him and that he had lost me forever. That was the last time we had sex. 

Shaggy: It never occurred to me to consider your point. That the OM might not be a good guy because of his choice. But it does amaze me that he refuses to acknowledge his guilt right now and it makes me wonder about his real character. However because of the guilt I am feeling right now because of my choice I find myself unable to judge the OM. I myself feel like the most selfish and amoral individual right now. 
Racer: you are right. About feeling like my new relationship is helping me cope and at the same time distracting me from my feelings of sadness and loss. 
My husband is still having that affair ( she lives far away so only through texts and phone right now) and I set our separation boundaries very clearly. However my husband already told me he cant handle that I date another man, while we are separated or even divorce. So I am afraid that the only way to get an uncontested divorce ( which he says he wants) this will change the moment he finds out I am moving on. 

I have been thinking how I can now sympathize with the feelings ( not the actions) of my husband during the affair. It is great to feel wanted, it is so awesome to be desired and to feel that spark again. The passionate feelings of affection that I have for my friend are so novel and gratifying....and yet I still cant understand why my husband chose to cheat on me, to lie to me and leave me for another woman. I know a little bit about how he felt and yet I would have NEVER destroyed our marriage and our beautiful family because of those feelings.


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