# Where is this heading?



## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Hi guys. I'm really worried about my marriage. DH and I have been married 6 years this October and have 2 kids, ages 5 and 3. We have recently gone through a series of extreme hardships. I guess it really it all started when I had my 2nd child. That's not an extreme hardship but if I think about it it's when it started. My sex drive was completely killed for a time after her birth and I suffered a short bout of post partum. I recognized it, got on wellbutrin for 3 months and was fine. My sex drive didn't exactly spring back though. This was very upsetting to me. About the time it started to come back (thank God) we made the biggest mistake ever and bought a house. I went to work, but the only job I could find that made us not have to pay for daycare was between the hours of 4 am and 12pm. He went to work when I got home and I ended up thoroughly exhausted. We lived in different worlds it seemed. Well, his job fell through. So did the money we needed to pay the mortgage. He ended up getting a job where I worked, which happened to be a gas station. We were still on the same crazy schedule, but not making enough money. The stress set in big time. Then in November of last year he was standing outside the store talking to a friend of ours (a cop sitting in his patrol car) when a drunk driver came along and slammed into the deputy's car, trapping him in and ejecting the DD from his truck, pinning him i between the cruiser and his truck. My husband (I don't know how) bent the car door around a steel pole and saved the cop. Well, the DD burned to death and everybody basically had to stand around helpless listening to him scream. BAD stuff. We lived in a small town and all these losers after that kept coming in and accusing DH of letting the guy die because he favored cops. Despicable. Things were never the same between us after that. In May we lost the house and moved back home to stay in his parents' basement apt until we get back on our feet. All this has caused him to completely withdraw physically and emotionally. He's found a good job so that helped his mood but I feel like he's just not into me anymore. I know for a fact he will stay in an undesirable situation, he's a stick it out kind of guy. I feel like he should've allowed me to be there for him. Man cave or whatever bull anyone says, he shut down completely. I'm angry, hurt, resentful, and feel betrayed because I feel like he didn't trust me to be there. I went to my Moms' for a week recently and it took me 3 days of being there just to miss him. I don't know what to think, but I'm getting myself in school so I won't be caught off guard with nothing. Have you guys ever been through this? Can anyone help me understand? We've had other issues too, see this post:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/6541-sexually-incompatible-little-long.html


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

BTW, I've told him over and over that there's a problem, he doesn't acknowledge it and mocked me last time I brought it up.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Atropa,

I imagine I could be your h. Obviously not the same situation, but the end result is the same. My w is angry, resentful, etc because I didn't let her in when I became like your h. 

PLease realize that I truly didn't realize the affect I was having. My w tried to reach me, but I couldn't hear her -- maybe because she dialed up the volume and hostility -- it was easier to withdraw. 

We are in counseling together after I finally "woke up". I'm not proud of myself for what I did to my w, but I can't change the past either.

Just wanted to let you know this happens. May be or may not be known to your h. I was taught to be strong, be the best, never show it, and punished without the love I needed (counseling helped bring this out). So I returned to being a scared kid who had no skills for an emotional relastionship. I'm just saying maybe your h has similar issues. Don't know. But know you aren't alone.

It isn't easy on either side. Both people are hurting and thinking the other isn't. Communication is the key. I'm learning this. I suggest counseling.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow, sorry to hear he had to go through that. But in the end, he saved a life. Did he just seem to shut down from you or does he seem generally depressed since this happened?

Have you made any plans to move out of his parents house? That could also be part of the problem.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Feelingalone, it helps to hear the other side of it. Sorry you had to go through this... Can you tell me why you didn't trust your wife to be there with and for you? Was that even it, because that's what it feels like. 

swedish, he only withdrew from ME. The only way I knew what was going on with him was through other people. I didn't know he was having nightmares until a coworker told me. Hurt like hell that he trusted everyone but his own wife. We will move out of his parents' house as soon as we are able, but it may be a while. We have to save up enough money and need to take care of a couple of things first. I'll certainly be glad... We're in a different space from them entirely thank God.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Atropa,

It had nothing to with trust on my part. But I realize that is how it comes across now. No, I wanted to share but just couldn't. That is what I mean about not having the skill set to be emotionally connected with her. I had a fear, that my best wouldn't be good enough for her. I beat myself into a shell. I assumed what her expectations would be and then fear of the result created a cycle that I was spiralling in. 

It had nothing to do with me not trusting her -- I just couldn't. Now through counseling I understand why -- my past and I am changing that. But I also see why you and my w would feel that there is no trust coming from either your spouse or me.

Therefore you and my w feel that trust was betrayed. It doesn't matter that I wasn't or he probably isn't-- just that she feels it like you do obviously.

That is what tears my heart out - in the end I let her down. 

To you I say don't ask about the specifics of anything. Just let him know that you are there for him and the two of you can get through anything together. Don' think he knows it, he might need to hear it. Maybe this will start the process -- I don't know. But people are wired differently. One persons way is not anothers way. And everyone expresses love in different ways. The key is learning the others language. Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. There are other books, but your H needs counseling for the issues of that night. It is obviously affected him trememdously.


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