# Dating with children = tough situation



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey guys,

I’m having a tough couple of weeks and am in need of some thoughts, advice or encouragement. This past Saturday, I went to my friend’s funeral which was beautiful and sad, and was in need of some company, so I went out to visit my SO and his 8 year old daughter; we had a movie night. I stayed a little while after the movie was done, and think I left his place just before 11, when his daughter was calling for him to lay down with her. Before I left, he made a comment about not knowing how hard it would be to date while having children. I get this. Hell, I have 2 dogs and find it difficult enough with them; I couldn’t imagine dating and being a single parent. Note: him and I have been together for a very happy and content 8 months now.

I talked to him last night, when his daughter was with her Mom, and it turns out that his daughter is now fairly upset that her Dad is dating someone, and she fears that he’s going to abandon her for me. She likes me; she just doesn’t like that her Dad is in a relationship. He’s torn: he doesn’t want to break things off with me, but he doesn’t want his daughter to feel this way either. Both of us were crying on the phone last night. He’s usually an open book with her about his whereabouts, and will let her know if he’s hanging out with me, and we both agree that he may need to be a little more restrictive of that. Oh, and she’s told her Dad that he’s not to have sleepovers with me, both at his place and mine. While I can appreciate how she’s feeling, I also don’t believe that a child should be involved in adult matters, and shouldn’t be trying to control a parent’s life and decisions.

Her Mom is also dating someone, and has frequent sleepovers with him while both kids are present. This doesn’t bother my SO’s girl, because she told him that her Mom doesn’t care about her. But, her Dad cares, very much, and is always there when she needs him, which I give him huge kudos for. 

We’re going to keep things as they are for now, but probably with more limited contact with each other during the weeks that he has her, and zero contact with her at this time. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to call him or text him because she has games installed on his phone and if a message/call comes in from me, she could see it. Him and I are also going to try a new schedule of seeing one another as well. This week is Wednesday evening and Friday night / Saturday day at my place. In 2 weeks (on his child-free week again), it will be a weekday evening and Friday night / Saturday day at his place. This is because his girl will probably be spending a lot more time with her Dad now that he’s living in the same city as his kids. 

I’m not sure if we’re handling this right, or if there are considerations we haven’t thought about. Any thoughts and guidance would be greatly appreciated! If more info is needed, just ask. There were a couple details I missed writing just to keep this shorter.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ursula ..... everyone already knows your the Queen of the class act. I have no doubt y'all are going to figure out the right thing for everyone.

Your concern is well founded and your concern for the matter already sets the stage that y'all are going to handle it well.

I unfortunately can't add much except the following ..... how about a little counselling for the daughter.

I used to think this was only for nut jobs, but as it turns out my two daughters both had a few sessions growing up and it helped them both.

Try to look past the stigma ...... there really isn't one. I was wrong to think that way and it helped my kids.

This is his child so that is another matter ..... sorry that this is all I have.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a tough one. No, the child doesnt get to dictate things, like "sleepovers", this is not her place and he absolutely should NOT give her that kind of power. However I think her feelings should be considered when she is actually with him. I would say, for now, no hanging out with him and her together, or staying over while she is there. Beyond that, you should continue as normal. I think a little time away from her directly will help, she will see that her dad isnt going anywhere, and she isnt being replaced. It would be different in my opinion if she flat out didnt like you.. to me that is a different beast.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Ursula, how often does he have custody of his daughter? How often is she at her mom's house?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

He needs to know that the best thing he can do for his daughter is to firmly (and lovingly) refuse to let her dictate how he runs his life.
Children don't really want to be able to control their parents - they might fight like crazy to try to, but sub-consciously they always hope to lose that battle, because if they have that kind of power over the adults in their lives, it makes them feel terribly INSECURE.

What she needs is to know that her father is in fully charge in charge of his own life and what happens to her, and that she doesn't need to worry about it because he loves her more than anything and won't make decisions in his life that will be bad for her. But that the decisions he does make are HIS to make. He always wants to hear her concerns, but ultimately, if you are someone who loves him and is caring to her, he isn't going to end his relationship with you just because his daughter wants him to.

My oldest boy was her age when I first met my second (now) husband, and any time concerns would come up, I would say, "yes, I see why you don't like this (or feel worried, or love your daddy more, etc), but it's MY job to pick the man for our family, and I take my job as your mom VERY seriously"....come to think of it, that was my response to my kids for ALOT of things that I would deny them -- "I know you don't like my decision, but as your mom it's MY job to decide what's best for you, and I take that job VERY seriously", and even when they were angry at my refusals, they did respect them, and I think there was a part of them that felt comforted that I wrested back control over things from them until they were old enough to make those decisions for themselves!

So tell your guy that he will do his daughter a great disservice emotionally if he lets HER have control over his life -- she doesn't really want that control, she's only wanting SECURITY, and he can give that to her without breaking things off with someone who could love him and his daughter!!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Something I would like to comment on is the comment the daughter made about being ok with mom dating/having sleepovers because mom doesn't care about her. That needs to be nipped in the bud. Even if mom isn't the best mom, dad needs to explain to his daughter that dating does not equal "not caring". The two need to be separated in this little girls mind now because you guys don't want her projecting the situation with mom onto the two of you, now or in the future. She needs to know that dad can date and still care very much.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ursula, can you, your SO and his daughter sit down TOGETHER to address her concerns? Sounds like she doesn't know you well enough to allay her fears of Dad abandoning her.

YOU (if he is ok with it) can DIRECTLY address her -- tell her that you have NO intentions of stealing her Dad from her -- that he would NEVER abandon her for you. It doesn't mean that he can't spend time with you - spending time isn't abandoning. BUT, you DO need time together -- tell her that SHE gets times alone with her friends without her Dad. HE needs that also (everyone does), but that doesn't mean he is abandoning her AT ALL. 

HE does need to know that HE makes the decisions and there will be times his daughter doesn't like what he decides. Well, that is part of growing up and she needs to learn that also.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm gonna strongly disagree with this.

It's not Ursula's place to sit down with this child and address her issues.

Unless they're getting engaged/married (moving in together), it's inappropriate.




jlg07 said:


> Ursula, can you, your SO and his daughter sit down TOGETHER to address her concerns? Sounds like she doesn't know you well enough to allay her fears of Dad abandoning her.
> 
> YOU (if he is ok with it) can DIRECTLY address her -- tell her that you have NO intentions of stealing her Dad from her -- that he would NEVER abandon her for you. It doesn't mean that he can't spend time with you - spending time isn't abandoning. BUT, you DO need time together -- tell her that SHE gets times alone with her friends without her Dad. HE needs that also (everyone does), but that doesn't mean he is abandoning her AT ALL.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MinMe, I didn't mean that SHE drive this -- her Dad clearly needs to do that.
I was suggesting that maybe if the daughter heard it directly from Ursula, that may help the daughter.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Mr.Married — thank-you! Yes, we’re both concerned about his little girl and about our future. I guess the one good thing that came out of it was we shared a lot of feelings last night. I told him that my heart was in this 100%; he said the same thing. And, that it was my hope and desire to be a part of his family someday; he wishes the same thing. And, his daughter seeing a psychologist is something that I suggested last night, and he’s going to look into it. I also see a psychologist at the moment for issues dealing with my immediate family, and I think that talking to someone when you’re overwhelmed is a good thing.
@3Xnocharm — just to confirm that I’ve never stayed over at his place when his daughter is there. I respect her and her space and would never want to make her feel uncomfortable, so we just don’t go there. But I do agree that time away from her would be good, and I’m really glad that she doesn’t dislike me.
@Lila — he has 50/50 custody with his ex, so he has her 1 week on, 1 week off.
@LisaDiane — what you mention is I think what we both hope for: that by taking control of his life, and still being there when she needs him, it will show her some stability. Actually, I may show him your post, if you don’t mind; you have a lot of good words and insight in there!
@Not — yes, I agree. 
@jlg07 — I actually thought about suggesting this, but held back. But, I did consider that if the words came directly from me, it might ease her mind a bit. She definitely doesn’t know me well enough at this point, and so she doesn’t know that I have no plans on taking her Dad away from her at all. And I do agree that we all need adult relationships with friends and an SO, and those are important to keep a person well-rounded and happy. It’s unhealthy to just focus on 1 thing or 1 person, and even though I’m not a parent, I would think that being happy and well-rounded would make a person a better parent.
@minimalME — THAT is exactly why I bit my tongue on suggesting that one. If we were at the point of moving in together, or getting engaged, that’s a different story, but we aren’t.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ursula said:


> @LisaDiane — what you mention is I think what we both hope for: that by taking control of his life, and still being there when she needs him, it will show her some stability. Actually, I may show him your post, if you don’t mind; you have a lot of good words and insight in there!



Oh, absolutely! If you think that will help, do whatever you need with my post!! I hope you guys can resolve this! :smile2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks for the thoughts and insight, guys, I really appreciate it! It's so nice to know that there's a group of fantastic folks out there (that is: you guys) where I can go to talk/type through my feelings about a given situation, and gain a lot of great feedback. Thank-you; you guys are very, very appreciated!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Daddy's little girl, my son can relate 
to this. Daughter comes first and 
my sons daughter will tell you so. 
Some of his past girl friends she liked
so not so much. His current GF she likes
a lot. 

His current GF does his daughters hair, cooks 
what she likes when she is there also. The 
50/50 custody is he has her most weekends
and every other week. They do a lot of stuff 
on weekends together. Some sleep overs but 
usually not on the weekends. The weeks he 
doesn't have his daughter yes.

Do not talk with his daughter about this and he 
should not either. This will most likely push her away
from you. What is going on between her mother and 
her is between him, his daughter, and his ex. One of 
my sons ex GF tried getting involved in something like 
this and was gone quickly. I mean quickly !! A far as sleep 
overs at your place, why tell her anything. Be yourself 
and show her you care about her and her father. When you 
and him are together with her make sure she is involved.
Plan some fun things for all of you to do together. If the time 
is not right for you to stay over then leave. 

Another thing to remember is you don't know if his
ex is asking questions about you or implying about you.
My sons ex use to do that with my grand daughter.


Just be yourself , she will see through anything else.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ursula said:


> Thanks for the thoughts and insight, guys, I really appreciate it! It's so nice to know that there's a group of fantastic folks out there (that is: you guys) where I can go to talk/type through my feelings about a given situation, and gain a lot of great feedback. Thank-you; you guys are very, very appreciated!


I would love it if you posted back at some point and let us know how things went...I'll be thinking of you!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s very common for girls to be jealous of the new woman in their dad’s life. I’m surprised it hasn’t come up before now. She probably senses he’s serious about you and she doesn’t like that. She’ll drive you apart if she can and it’s up to him — not you — to see that doesn’t happen. If you really do want to be together then a long semi-casual relationship might be a good thing. In other words, don’t be in any hurry to take it to the next level. And keep in mind that children from a previous relationship are very often the reason that second marriages fail. Love unfortunately is no guarantee that things will work out.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> I would love it if you posted back at some point and let us know how things went...I'll be thinking of you!!!


Will do! It might take awhile for things to unfold as they will though; hopefully it will be in the best interests of everyone involved, and we'll have 3 happy people in the end.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I may sound very bitter and real tonight, but puke blah blah blah.

Ease her into things, but do not allow her to control the situation. Same with him.
If you do, she will control your relationship and ruin it and if it lasts that long, she is going to find some one once her “suckie” is removed and you will be left as a shell of a person.

There is always the FWB option....or taking care of your own needs and investing in positive relationships with true friends. 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> Ease her into things, but do not allow her to control the situation.


You are SOOO right.

I watched my brother allow his daughter to ruin one relationship after the next for him - while her mother was allowed to live with someone then marry the guy. My brother made the classic mistake of over-indulging his daughter out of divorce guilt and allowed his daughter (a preteen at first, then a teenager) to dictate how he lived his life. He got involved in two serious relationships over the course of 6 years but his daughter was SUCH an obnoxious brat to both of these women and made it so difficult for him to date that eventually, both respective women were driven away and the relationships failed.

But that was his *own *fault for not handling the situation as an adult and instead, allowing a kid to call all the shots.

I hope your boyfriend doesn't become one of those guys who makes this mistake.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey @a_new_me, yeah, you do sound quite bitter, and I’m sorry that my situation caused you to vomit, but you can rest assured that we have it under control, so hopefully you won’t get sick again. Easing her into things is exactly what we’re going to do. I’ve been around her a little more than usual lately, so that may be why it’s happening. I’m going to back off at this time. SO and I talked again last night, and emotions were running much lower, so we were able to think things through a lot better. Even though he gives into her once in awhile, he’s definitely not a pushover when it comes to major things. There are no “suckies” involved (she's 8, not a toddler), and FWB is absolutely NOT an option.
@She’sStillGotIt, I’m hopeful that our situation won’t be the same as your brother’s. I’m very sorry to hear about his situation; that would be terrible to go through. But yes, that is his fault for letting his child call the shots, and no my SO isn’t that type of man at all.

Last night, I learned that a couple times I’ve been invited out with them have been SO’s daughter’s idea, and she was excited to invite me. This would be a totally different situation altogether if she didn’t like me at all; this isn’t the case, and so I’m hopeful that things will work out. SO said last night that sometimes, she gets something in her head, gets upset, and by the next time he sees her, it’s blown over. He’s going to keep me apprised of what results.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Glad to hear it was the daughters idea 
to invite you out. See she does like you !!

Keep being yourself and it will work out.
Invite her and her father out for something 
likes to do. 

Just take some time for her to get used to 
things. Don't push things because you never 
want her to feel or say her dad is mad at her 
because of you. 


Soon you will be one big happy family.
Sounds like you two have this handled.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’ve been around her more than usual then that was probably the trigger for the recent behavior. She was apparently fine until then. It will take time — maybe more time than either of you would prefer — but if he makes it clear to her that he wants you to be part of his life then maybe she will accept that she’s not in control of this situation. Just be aware that some girls (no matter what their age) always have problems with the women in their dads’ lives. Hopefully she’s not going to be one of those girls. He will obviously be the key to what happens going forward. You just keep on being you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You met his daughter 3 months ago, and I remember you feeling nervous about the first meeting. StarFires didn't appreciate my contribution to that thread, and that's okay with me, by the way. As I stated then, I feel collectively the TAM folks want good stuff for you, Ursula. I know that StarFires is currently unable to post, but if you revert back to that thread, she raised some valid points. I've snipped part of her initial post for you here. And if StarFires returns and has a problem with me sharing her words, eh, oh well.




StarFires said:


> Fortunately, I didn't have any problems with my stepkids and that's only because my husband isn't a guilty daddy or disney daddy (look up those syndromes). What he told them in our first meeting was "This is my girlfriend, and I expect you to respect her."
> 
> Ursula, reading this right now on this day, you probably have no idea the importance of that last line I just stated. Yes of course you're concerned about meeting his kids and I know you're a little nervous, but what you should be most concerned about is his interaction with them because whether he is the one in control or whether he allows them to be in control will be crucial to your relationship with them and with him. It will determine whether you and he have a good and happy relationship (or marriage later) or whether your life will be spent in utter despair.
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> You met his daughter 3 months ago, and I remember you feeling nervous about the first meeting. StarFires didn't appreciate my contribution to that thread, and that's okay with me, by the way. As I stated then, I feel collectively the TAM folks want good stuff for you, Ursula. I know that StarFires is currently unable to post, but if you revert back to that thread, she raised some valid points. I've snipped part of her initial post for you here. And if StarFires returns and has a problem with me sharing her words, eh, oh well.


Hey there, thanks for the post! Is StarFires no longer on the TAM site? And, after re-reading the snipped out bit of post from you, I realize that the site that you recommend me checking out was the one that I bookmarked and have looked at, so thank-you! I do realize that this situation (i.e., dating someone with children) is going to be a long, hard journey, but it's a journey that I committed to the day that I met my SO. He's a fantastic man, and his youngest daughter is also a really good kid who I enjoy being around. I know that she likes me, otherwise that would be a whole different situation.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Ursula,

So you have been dating your SO for several months.
You and him have been getting closer and closer.
You found out his daughter really does like you.
Even met his family and they like you right ?
I think just being yourself is turning out great so far.
Keep it up !!

Can it be hard dating someone with kids, yes
For you and him both. Sometimes plans have 
to be changed or cancelled. As long as you both
are committed to making it work, it will work just
like any other relationship it takes commitment .

Everyone needs someone to talk to about things
sometimes, to get ideas how to handle things.
That isn't unusual, that is what true friends, family
and TAM is for.

Next time his daughter is over have her help you
bake a cake for her dad. My grand daughter helped me
bake a cake for my son. Chocolate cake with lime green
icing. Sprinkles included !! She gave him the first slice and 
a glass of milk. Watched him eat every bite and was really 
proud. 

Homemade chocolate chip cookies work great with milk also.
Her and my wife made some for me ( grand dad ) got the same 
reaction from her. I got a few more pounds also LOL

Take care


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey @sa58, yeah, we’ve been dating for 8-9 months now. I’ve met his parents, both his brothers, and the wife and kids of one of those brothers. The other one lives a few hours outside of town. Everyone is a big fan so far, not to toot my own horn though! His parents have told me that I’m welcome over at their home anytime. So yes, I’m going to just continue being me, because it’s turning out well so far. In regards to changing our plans due to his kids, that’s happened on more than one occasion, which is understandable.

Update:
Both of us are committed to making things work, that I’m sure of. I talked to him last night, and he’s since spoken to his daughter. He mentioned that him and I are going out for supper this evening, and she pulled a bit of attitude, I guess. He told her that I’m in his life, she’s going to have to get used to it, and that he’s not going to sit at home and be a hermit during the times that she isn’t there with him. He also told me that there’s no way that she could dislike me, as I’ve been nothing but kind and friendly with her. In reality, she could most certainly dislike me given time, no matter how nice I am to her, just on the basis that I’m dating her Dad. Time will tell; we’ll keep on cruising, and in time, hopefully she’ll be more amenable to getting to know me a little more. Maybe I’ll introduce my doggos to her; I once had a little girl ask her Dad if he would marry me because she absolutely loved my dogs! :grin2:


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> He needs to know that the best thing he can do for his daughter is to firmly (and lovingly) refuse to let her dictate how he runs his life.
> Children don't really want to be able to control their parents - they might fight like crazy to try to, but sub-consciously they always hope to lose that battle, because if they have that kind of power over the adults in their lives, it makes them feel terribly INSECURE.
> 
> What she needs is to know that her father is in fully charge in charge of his own life and what happens to her, and that she doesn't need to worry about it because he loves her more than anything and won't make decisions in his life that will be bad for her. But that the decisions he does make are HIS to make. He always wants to hear her concerns, but ultimately, if you are someone who loves him and is caring to her, he isn't going to end his relationship with you just because his daughter wants him to.
> ...


This is perfect. 

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