# I want an "OUR" baby, he is disgusted by the idea.



## babywade (Mar 31, 2012)

I am married to a man that had a vasectomy in his previous marriage as he was done at 3 kids (5, 9, and 11) and I have one child that I had when I was 18, she is 15 now. We have full custody of his 3; however they still talk and see their mom every few months (she resides out of state). Nonetheless, I'm the stand-in mom, all the work you could say but not so much of the credit. I love his kids but also desire to have an 'our' baby. I want the bond connection with him, something that unifies our family. I feel it deep within my soul and I get so emotionally sad when I feel like it's never going to happen. He has no desire to ever have a child again, he went through allot with his previous ex and I expect he fears the same thing will happen (i.e. he does everything, diaper changing, doc appointments, etc and I might just lay there helpless).

I have always wanted another child, I have always desired to raise a child in a two parent household since I did not have that when I was younger and I was young and not so smart doing the 18 & pregnant thing. My daughter’s father also died when she was 18 months and I was just too young to not appreciate all the steps of having a baby, raising one, etc. 
Nevertheless, I am 33 now, more mature, I am a professional, and both of us make good money so there aren’t financial concerns. People ask, “well didn't you two discuss this before getting married?" -- Well we did. He alluded that he would be 'open' to the idea of a reversal and I was so in love with him, that in retrospect, I suppose I deluded myself that if he really loved me, well of course he'd want a baby with me too. Well surprise surprise... my husband has no desire to procreate with me. He has no aspirations to be a father to a child that is truly "ours"... I tear up when I feel the reality sinking in that I really may just never have a baby like I always imagined I would. It pains me so much when I hear him talk to his kids and reference things when they were little or a baby, I don't get to share in any of those memories and I'll never have a child with him that we can reminiscence over together in our old age.

We are both pretty unique people, we have a lot of great personality traits -- we're not too shabby looking (haha), so our child would be just a cool little mini package of us. My husband is a good dad, he does have ADD, so apart from going from one shiny object to the next, he does have a heart of gold and would move mountains for his children. I am so scared that the reality may come that either I have to give up having a baby, or give up the man that I love. Most areas in our life are pretty good but the baby topic has had us at some major cross roads lately. He is hard core stubborn in his stance of never wanting a child and all I can think about is how lucky everyone else that is pregnant and expecting. I am pretty sad and it’s clear it’s “my issue” that I must deal with alone. My husband actually recommended I get a counselor to deal with my “unresolved issues”. I feel so alone in this, its paralyzing at times. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about a 'baby wade' in the household, and the idea of having to give up either the man I love, or my desire to have a baby with my husband brings me to tears. (I’m not an emotional crazy chick; I’m not a crybaby... I hold back much of my tears). 
I feel like if he loved me, he'd want to make this come true for me... especially because I have helped him so much with his 3 kids... But it's like I'm shamed for feeling or thinking that way. I'm not asking for a reward for helping him get full custody of his kids (which I did in more ways than just paying for the lawyer), or for being the mom role model they need at this time. I enjoy his kids, they are mini him’s so it makes for good stories and laughing around our house, but this also only encourages my thoughts that I'd like a child to raise together that is ours. Am I such a selfish person to desire this? Am I the crazy wife that is asking allot of her husband because he already has his own 3 kids?
He is pretty set in his ways, so the likelihood he will have an epiphany one day that he will all the sudden desire to have a baby with me, or at the very least, willing to do the reversal to just 'see' if it's meant to be or not is quite unlikely.. He is pretty stubborn when it comes to this subject.

I feel terrible that I'm at this cross road.... I have promised not to bring up the baby topic again for another 6 months to remove all pressure from him that he states he has been feeling, so I'm not allowed to bring up anything baby related until September. In my heart, I know September will come and go there will be no change, only a big topic still left unaddressed with even more emotion wrapped up into it. The big elephant in the room of course is, I do feel my biological clock is ticking and I am battling with frustration, moments of resentment, and pure sadness that I truly may 'clock' myself out where I wouldn't be able to conceive anyway if he miraculously does have a change of heart.

How do I process through all of these feelings w/out losing my husband in the process? How do I give up my dream to have this baby - when I desire it so much I can taste it?
It should be noted that I support my husband in many ways, i.e. support his multiple hobbies (golf – we pay a $400/month membership to a golf country club so he can golf free as much as he’d like), he is now a “jeeper”, so parts this and parts that. He also enjoys guitar this, hunting/fishing that, weekend getaway here/there, etc. Whatever he needs/wants, he really does get. I don't feel I have alot of the same needs, I don’t have a need for so many ‘shiny objects’ in my life. Bottom line, I’m really not the wife that is looking to hold my husband back....but why do I feel like I’m not receiving the same consideration?

I feel my situation is essentially hopeless and sad... and I feel entirely alone to deal with this myself.

Anyways, thank you for reading... I realize it was a novel. 
Either way, it helped for me to vent/express some of my feelings.


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

you married a man with a vasectomy, and expected him to cave to your want for children?

Im not trying to be heartless here, but the fact that he got a vasectomy should have been a big indicator of that before hand.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm so very sorry. I truly understand your need of wanting another child. My children are my world.

However, you did marry a man whom was permanently fixed. The reversal is not a very good outcome. I'm not positive, but I think it's a 50/50 chance or less of success. Those odds would not be worth it to me either, even if I had the "baby bug". 

If I indeed wanted children in the future, I would of not married a man with that was permanently fixed with the big V. It's a huge decision in itself and one he made prior in meeting you.

A lot of people do buy pets like puppies to take the place of children. Maybe this is an option for for you.

If he didn't have the big V done and decided against a child, then I'd be furious. But the circumstances are different. Being older myself, I can understand his view. Again, I'm very truly sorry.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Men don't run and get snipped unless they truly are DONE raising kids. And getting a reversal isn't that easy nor effective. The odds aren't in your favor even if he agreed to it. That's why they call it PERMANENT birth control.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> you married a man with a vasectomy, and expected him to cave to your want for children?
> 
> Im not trying to be heartless here, but the fact that he got a vasectomy should have been a big indicator of that before hand.


:iagree::iagree:

Sorry darling, if you wanted children you should not have married a man who has been snipped.

You are the one being inconsiderate and rather foolish. 

Sounds like you guys are rich. Ask your husband if he is open to adopting a baby.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why did you marry him when he didn't want more kids?

Did you think you could change him?


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It is not reasonable to ask him for a vasectomy reversal. Even if he did this, there is no guarantee that you would get pregnant. He will have scar tissue, and the chances of a successful pregnancy go down each year.

You need to go through a grief process over this. My BIL and SIL were not able to have children. After spending a few months processing their sadness, they channeled their energy into Habitat for Humanity, building houses. You need to find a new passion to replace the desire for a baby. Is there a hobby you can develop? Do you have a pet? If not, that can be a good channel for love.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

A reversal might not be successful. So even if he agreed to start trying in 6 months, he'd have to go through the reversal, heal from it, and then you'd start trying, and even then might not conceive. I have to agree with the other posters that if you want more children you never should have married a man with a vasectomy. If you really do want more biological children you're going to have to leave him and start over. If I'm doing the math right you're 33 so that gives you about 7 reasonably fertile years left (I know women over 40 can have children but the miscarriage rate is higher and the conception rate lower). In theory you still have time. Even if you can't find a new relationship you could be a single mom by choice via donor sperm, but, you'd lose out on your dream of raising a child in a 2 parent family.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

While I completely understand how you are feeling - wanting to create something just between the two of you - you are asking him to go through a lot! Reversals don't have a high success rate, are expensive and from what I hear, very painful!

Now, he shouldn't have lead you on with the idea that he would be "open" to it, either. If that kind of thing was said just to quiet you, then that was wrong of him to say (for that reason), and he should acknowledge that.

Now, if the process of the reversal is the only thing influencing his decision, are there alternative methods of harvesting his sperm? Would AI be something that could work, if there is? 

I wish you the best of luck...

ETA: I found this just doing a Google search -

http://www.livestrong.com/article/98849-alternatives-vasectomy-reversals/

Of course, if it's the having a baby aspect as opposed to the reversal aspect, it might not be all that helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you need to decide what is most important here:

1. Having a baby with him
2. Having another baby/child in your life
3. Remaining married to him. 

I would encourage you to make up your mind--and get some counseling in the meanwhile. If you absolutely will regret not having a 2nd child, then you may have to end the marriage. If you can envision getting past the loss of that dream and resentment toward him for standing between you and that dream, with counseling, then ok. 

Once you know how you really feel, you will feel calmer. That's the first step. 

The issue of having children is one that cannot be compromised. It's a reason to divorce that most people understand--a sad necessity, if you will. 

If you decide that the marriage is more important than the 2nd child, make sure you work out resentment and do not blame him for having to have made such a difficult choice (ie, "It's his fault I even had to make such an awful decision!) Resentment over this will damage your marriage to the extent that down the road, you could find yourself divorced AND without the 2nd child. You don't want to go that route either. 

God bless; you are in a tough spot.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sometimes we just yearn for that which we can't have simply because we know we can't have it.

As to the vasectomy, if it was more than 3 years ago even a successful surgery won't be able to reverse it. In which case you can discuss this the rest of your life but it won't change the outcome. Biological child together is not a possibility, accept it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You married a man who had himself fixed. He does not want any more children. That is clear. As you stated you have two choices here, deal with it and stay with him or leave him. Sometimes reality is just harsh. There is no magic fix to this.

There is more of what you say that I wonder about. You say that you support him financially and then list some expensive things that you have helped him with. 

What percentage of your joint income do you make?

Your husband has found a gold mine in your (literally), you helped him to pay for getting 100% custody of his children … something that you should have never done. It’s not your legal battle. Doing this muddies the waters. You put out a lot of money for something in which you are a legal stranger. And what do you get? You get to be the step mom who will never really be appreciated and loved the way you should be.
You put out a lot of money now to help financially support his children and him. Lucky guy!!!! 

Now exactly what do you get out of this entire thing besides having to earn money to support him and his children?


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm so very sorry. I truly understand your need of wanting another child. My children are my world.
> 
> However, you did marry a man whom was permanently fixed. The reversal is not a very good outcome. I'm not positive, but I think it's a 50/50 chance or less of success. Those odds would not be worth it to me either, even if I had the "baby bug".
> 
> ...


i believe my doctor told me it was about 50/50 if reversed in the first few years, maybe 5.
every year after that there gets to be an even larger gap of it being unsuccessful.

i was talking with one woman and during some of our discussions her wanting a child came up.
she is only 31 and still wants at least 1 child so at that point we knew there was no reason for us to even discuss being a couple any longer as i have had 3 children and had a vas 20 years ago.
i am 49 and have NO desire for a baby at this point.

she knew where i stood on it and i her so there was no sense in going any farther than just friends.

that should have been your decision also.

situations like this make me think that jealousy plays a role in it when he has children with another woman, then you feel like she has something from him that you dont.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I must say that I concur with EleGirl. Why were you paying for HIS legal battle? 

Did your husband manipulate you into that? :scratchhead: We're talking about thousands of dollars here. 

I cannot have sympathy for those who put themselves in situations and then complain about it. The anger and resentment is misplaced and unfair. It seems sadly basic: If you want children, do not marry a man who voluntarily sterilized himself.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

babywade said:


> only a big topic still left unaddressed


what do you mean 'unaddressed?
its had the ultimate in addressing...
HE GOT A VASECTOMY


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Men don't run and get snipped unless they truly are DONE raising kids. And getting a reversal isn't that easy nor effective. The odds aren't in your favor even if he agreed to it. That's why they call it PERMANENT birth control.


Agree. Although some men regret their vasectomies enough to reverse, most are truly done. The stat I've read indicates that while 90% of reversals result in resumption of sperm flow, only 60% result in pregnancy. My take away is that something happens to the body that makes the sperm less viable.

Also, let's not forget that you and your husband are effectively the only parents for four children. That is a big family, and it's entirely possible that he is simply maxxed out.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There is more of what you say that I wonder about. You say that you support him financially and then list some expensive things that you have helped him with.
> 
> What percentage of your joint income do you make?
> 
> Your husband has found a gold mine in your (literally), you helped him to pay for getting 100% custody of his children … something that you should have never done. It’s not your legal battle. Doing this muddies the waters. You put out a lot of money for something in which you are a legal stranger. And what do you get? You get to be the step mom who will never really be appreciated and loved the way you should be.


Not sure I like this analysis. First, the sacrifice involved for a few hobbies does not come close to what it takes to raise a child. The hobbies are a few hundred bucks a month and, more importantly, can be ditched and resumed as finances and interest dictate.

Second, the part about putting out money while remaining a legal stranger is misleading. In some states, step-parent income is a determinant of child support awards. If either me or my ex remarries, a portion of what our respective spouses earn forms the basis for child support awards.

So, implying that she married a sterile guy and then added to her situation by helping get custody of his kids is inaccurate. The situation could easily have been where she marries this guy, kids spend substantial time with mom, and her income is included in calculating the child support award. In fact, one could argue that, as long as her income is a basis for child support, it is financially smarter to have the kids, potentially _receive_ support, and know the money is well spent.


----------



## EALR (Apr 30, 2012)

You shouldn't have married him if you wanted more children and he has a vasectomy. HOWEVER he shouldn't have got your hopes up and said we will talk about it! Seems to me that you have more issues then him not wanting to have another baby...I mean "going from one shiny object to the next,..especially because I have helped him so much with his 3 kids... I support my husband in many ways, i.e. support his multiple hobbies (golf – we pay a $400/month membership to a golf country club so he can golf free as much as he’d like), he is now a “jeeper”, so parts this and parts that. He also enjoys guitar this, hunting/fishing that, weekend getaway here/there, etc. Whatever he needs/wants, he really does get. I don't feel I have alot of the same needs, I don’t have a need for so many ‘shiny objects’ in my life. Bottom line, I’m really not the wife that is looking to hold my husband back....but why do I feel like I’m not receiving the same consideration?" Sounds like your bitter because you buy him things and take care of his kids, and he won't do this onneee little thing for you. But it's not little he has three kids and was burned before. He doesn't have to have to make a baby with you because you take care of him and his children. If you want a baby MAKE one without him. But he might just pack up himself and his kids and leave. Be prepared for the consequences of your actions!


----------

