# Kudos to Skylark, Powerbane, and....



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

....anyone else who tried to set me straight.

Awhile ago I had written a started a thread regarding what seemed odd wife behavior. This included weird photos, flirtations, etc. Everybody but everybody suggested my wife was cheating either physically or possibly emotionally. I tried and tried to convince myself with various rationales why this might not necessarily be the case. Some of these rationales came from my wife.

One reason why I started that thread is because I really wanted to receive "empathy" to what I was feeling in my gut. That is, the strong possibility my wife behavior indeed is "off" these days. I actually showed my wife the thread, because she kept insinuating that I was off my rocker for thinking all of this, and was just being a pain in the ass. My wife's response was that this board is full of lots of hurt dudes, who wouldn't trust woman these days due to bad experience, and that many on this board are trying to advertise therapy services.

Since that time, my wife has filed for divorce. I was devastated. I really wanted to work things out. She said she simply does not want to be married to me anymore because she lost the feeling in her heart and that it won't come back. She also kept going back to "past arguments" as though they were still present, and to me, seemed to try to do everything she could to "rationalize" our marriage is no good. She absolutely refused to dive more into any of those moments to heal them. I really thought they could be healed.

Again, when one looks at the dealings in the household, everybody but everybody said (including folks on this board) there HAS to be a third party involved. I tried to rationalize that away. In couples counseling about the divorce I asked my wife "who is he" (After already having baseline data available to me). She adamantly stated there is no one else and that she has not been having affairs. She continued to make me look like the problem in our marriage, where I like a desperate idiot started to apologize up the ying yang for any of my past discretions. All of the therapy sessions ended up with me "Being the bad guy" without her taking any ownership into some of the difficulties we occasionally had.

Well, the gut still lingered. I decided to check into things. I hired a "cheap" PI, and got friends of friends involved to keep track of things. I also got a strange phone call from an anonymous caller to "alert me". This caller also gave me other very key information. 

What did I come to find out? Indeed! AFAIR!! With whom? The freaking dude "With the hand on the thigh" (photo that I had described). I also found out my wife had sex with the dude in a car in a garage in the city, and is madly in love with him. This happened when she told me she was going out in the city to see her girlfriends. I'm also pretty certain she is thinking of a long term future with this dude based on the notes folks had taken for me. And guess what. The dude is married, and possibly separating as well.

I got some nice dirt here. Photos and such. Some of it will be used in court if necessary, but I hope we can be civil and not bother. I just want her out of my house. I can't even look at her I am so disgusted. I also can't look at her because she still seems very beautiful to me. I'm so broken.

I am heartbroken, angry as hell, sad as hell, I've got so many emotions going through me. I can't focus, think straight. I"m not eating well, and I'm having difficulty exercising productively. This was the love of my life. Mother of my two kids. We had a pretty decent marriage, yeah with some bumps, but it wasn't horrible horrible. I look at photos and start crying. Not sure why. I think I still may even still love her. But

I guess I should hop on the "coping with infidelity" board. Not sure if my wife has any idea how horrifying it is for me to picture her with another dude......especially in a car. Pains me so much I can't stand it. 41 years old, mother of two kids. Doing this while the husband (me) is home with the kids, supporting her social outings with the girlfriends. 

Nice, classy behavior huh? So not only does my spouse want to break apart our family (kids WILL suffer), she does so while adulterating, both emotionally and physically, while putting no money into our household, and having her husband (me) financially support her adulterous outings....while watching the kids. Not only this she LIED to me frequently about her activities, where we stand as far as our relationship and even to our therapist. Good riddance baby......(But I still can't help feel that I still love her. How the hell can that be....


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sorry to hear it man. 

I knew as soon as she filed that it was truly an affair. 

But don't give up. 

Expose this far and wide. Clients of hers and his, family on both sides. Everywhere. 

Consult a lawyer and get over to marriagebuilders forum as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Sorry to hear it man.
> 
> I knew as soon as she filed that it was truly an affair.
> 
> ...


I am angry as hell Powerbane. But not sure what you suggested will accomplish.

I've got the emotional well being of my two wonderful children to consider as we move through this. I want the transition to be smooth without any major shenanigans, although my anger is showing through words to my wife right now. I've got to let that pass and just work on myself.

What pains me is the fact that I married this woman whom I thought would have had better morals. I've had the ability to stray time to time, especially during trips to Vegas, but I always had the disapproving spouses eye in my head......and I'm a GUY!! All this also makes me think "how many other times" in our history could my wife have cheated, at least a fling. I mean the woman travels a lot and spends a good time away from home.

Although I go through the emotions of wanting to be vindictive I think I'll curb that desire. I truly believe I'm a better person than my wife, no question, and it's just not fair that I'm the one who feels like crap. I really hope she does too, but you know something, I don't think she does. She "rationalizes" what she has done to be OK because I in 16 years "on occasion" said something off towards her either in pure frustration or in arguments. Meanwhile I've treated this woman with sweetness 90% of the time.

I truly think my soon to be ex-wife is broken. She is no longer the woman I married (at least the woman I thought I married). If a person can't admit wrong doing and feel remorse, or take some accountability for their own communications and behavior issues, then they are not for me anyway. She has shown her off colors in therapy and at home over and over again. 

I'll find someone new whom I can respect more and who will respect me more. This chick is certainly no longer it....but she's the mother of my two kids. Hopefully she matures over all of this. I wish her luck.


----------



## mommee2 (Apr 1, 2011)

Ask yourself: In the past 16 years, who would've had the chance to "break" your wife? I am concerned that you show no remorse or culpability for this inevitable split. It sounds to me like, as they all say, there are 3 sides to every story: His side, Her side and the Truth. Justifying yourself with the truth will be your toughest act, I'm sure. Good luck and God speed.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm really sorry that you had to go trough all of this. 

Best of luck


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

pjbap said:


> ....anyone else who tried to set me straight.
> 
> Awhile ago I had written a started a thread regarding what seemed odd wife behavior. This included weird photos, flirtations, etc. Everybody but everybody suggested my wife was cheating either physically or possibly emotionally. I tried and tried to convince myself with various rationales why this might not necessarily be the case. Some of these rationales came from my wife.
> 
> ...


No one who heard about the picture can be surprised.


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

mommee2 said:


> Ask yourself: In the past 16 years, who would've had the chance to "break" your wife? I am concerned that you show no remorse or culpability for this inevitable split. It sounds to me like, as they all say, there are 3 sides to every story: His side, Her side and the Truth. Justifying yourself with the truth will be your toughest act, I'm sure. Good luck and God speed.


Mommee2: I have taken my accountability. In therapy I pleaded and pleaded to give us a chance by working on "us". I had consistently acknowledged things I can do better when it comes to dealing with my emotions, whereas my wife had not. My wife kept on saying "It is too late", and "there is nobody else", meanwhile this affair was going on (which I already knew about in therapy to a degree, but refused to accept and believe).

My wife is painting me up to be a verbally abusive spouse. Next to 96% of the population I am NOT! When we argue (usually about finances) we argue loudly. This INCLUDES my wife. I on occasion may let a name slip, or a slight stab during those moments. But those moments were only "peppered" throughout a 16 year relationship. They were not all the time by any stretch. We've had way, way more good, great, memorable times as husband/wife, and mother/father in our history. However, now, my soon to be ex keeps bringing any bad moments as a "rationale". But IMO, since there way more great moments, I really feel this is more of a way for her to curb guilt of the affair or to venture towards a potential life that from the surface now seems more exciting to her.

I had promised we'd work together in therapy to ensure that when arguments occur, we'd both better deal with our emotions better. She refuses and says it is too late. Meanwhile there's the affair and the presence of this third party.

Once our divorce is finalized, my wife will jump into the other dudes arms (Actually, she already has). I can, have, and will continue to take some accountability for the blips and bumps over 16 years, but mu wiofe has never done that and she has been part of those problems. She also proably won't take accountability for straying and declining to NOT work on us as a couple.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Wait until she starts fitness testing him.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

mommee2 said:


> Ask yourself: In the past 16 years, who would've had the chance to "break" your wife? I am concerned that you show no remorse or culpability for this inevitable split. It sounds to me like, as they all say, there are 3 sides to every story: His side, Her side and the Truth. Justifying yourself with the truth will be your toughest act, I'm sure. Good luck and God speed.


so you are basically justifying her actions by laying them at his feet?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

mommee2 said:


> Ask yourself: In the past 16 years, who would've had the chance to "break" your wife? I am concerned that you show no remorse or culpability for this inevitable split. It sounds to me like, as they all say, there are 3 sides to every story: His side, Her side and the Truth. Justifying yourself with the truth will be your toughest act, I'm sure. Good luck and God speed.


She may have been MISERABLE - but she still had the ability to choose how to handle it.

Sounds like she only had BS to attack him with in therapy.

Hard to truly work on your marriage while your wife is out with another man...


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it may be a 2 party action...but by her basically being untrue with her feelings, and was holding on to so much resentment, and not wanting to work it out....

then its not much pjbap could have done...sometimes its just too much anger and hostility, and one party would rather take the easy road and run....

but if she never admited to and affair, and was letting him think she would be here for the long haul, and not working out her BS, that she was supposed to be working out, and was saying she was...then there isnt much of a chance he had to fix the marriage.


----------



## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Your story makes me think back on something that happened in my 20's. I had a woman that I very much loved start an affair during our relationship. It was something that was going nowhere for them, but it infuriated me to no end. I didn't want to believe it, but my curiosity, and l33t hacker skills got the better of me to investigate it. (These things would be illegal now, but were quasi-legal during that period.) 

I fired up my racore scanner, and locked in on her cell phone ID. I tracked bits of her online activity, and followed up with the financial stuff. She lied to me to my face on more on than one occasion; one of them was quite blatant, and I found tickets to somewhere other than where she told me she was going. (That triggered my digging a lot deeper). 

One day I just packed up my things, and moved back to my little hometown in Missouri. I had had enough of it, and knew I wasn't getting the truth, but I hadn't confronted her about it - I just felt safer doing that in a country my visa to be there wasn't tied to her (one of the bosses of the company I worked for). It was quite painful to move; I gave up very close to my dream job, and I loved Germany with every bit of my heart. 

I had given her a couple subtle (not really) chances to come clean, hinting that I knew things she was saying were not true before I took the next step --- she lied to me aggressively, and even tried to tell me (in essence) I was crazy for having any doubts... One day I simply packed my things, sold the car, and took the next fight out when I knew she away on her trip. She came home to an empty house. Eventually she figured out I had simply picked up my things, and left. She tracked me down back in the states. I had a conversation with her on the front porch of my families house that just infuriated me beyond belief. 

Even when confronted with that I had telephone calls, emails, pictures, plane tickets, and everything else she still lied to my face. Every single step of it. I could not believe the extent that she would go to just to not admit the truth. Had she just come clean, and been honest with me -- I might have been willing to try to work through this with her, but she lied up until I played back a copy of one particular conversation. Its hard to deny 10 minutes of phone sex, and an arrangement to meet for sex in her & her lovers own words, and the plane ticket to meet for a weekend when she told me she was going to be elsewhere. The week I recorded that was the week I left. 

She gave me some line of BS about "What would telling you have accomplished? ...I didn't want to hurt you, yadda". I was not in a forgiving spirit. I asked her if she knew what verity meant, she responded that she didn't, and I told her that was the problem. How would I ever trust her again? 

Its one thing when people make a mistake, and come clean with that mistake. Its another when they will lie about it to the end, and in the brief life experience I have with it I've found that those that lie to the end have either moved on, or don't respect you enough to really have the heart to make it work.

The lady in question in my life married someone else a few years later. She did the same to him; it just took him a little longer to figure it out. I'm not going to pretend years of marriage don't matter, and that the desire to forgive & reconcile isn't there in you. I know that part of you is there, and those things do matter. What I don't see from her is the desire to come clean, and admit the mistakes she has made. Until that desire is there, you are fighting a lost cause, and her spirit isn't right to be able to be true, and work on the issues.


----------

