# Rejoicing: My marriage is over!



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

For months now I've been in limbo with my husband and his mental state. Now... I'm feeling so liberated and excited to have a second chance at this "partnership for life" business. Because what I've had with him, has been much less than satisfactory. I settled, for much less than I wanted.

For instance: Our wedding. -I wasn't allowed to invite my family. We had 3 people there, all of which I don't even really care about. We got 2 wedding gifts, neither of which were from his family. We also never went on a honeymoon. After we got married... we never took another vacation. Ever.

He's a drinker. He's an introvert. He's abusive. He's neglectful. He's dishonest. 

I'm Sober. I'm an extrovert. I'm refulgent. I'm attentive. I'm authentic. 

He is everything I'm not, and he may be a little smarter than me, so smart in fact that he knew just how to lie to me for over 5 years of my life. 

All these things I simply settled for. Why? I don't know. But I know now, that we're ending our marriage and 5 year relationship. After this I know that these are not qualities you want to choose in a lifetime mate. He honestly has very few good qualities. He can cook, amazingly (literally gifted). He's great in bed. I thought he at one time loved me above all else. Which made me feel special. Now... he hates me. Every fiber of my being. I think I have finally pinpointed the reason why his facade unraveled: My journal. 

My journal is a place where I write my inner most thoughts about my relationship, ones that would eat away at my relationship if I didn't write them down. A few months ago, he found it. He read it, and it changed him forever. Somehow he got caught up in it... allowed it to deeply effect him. Since then everything has fallen apart. Everything. He began drinking more, he became resentful. He became more innate than ever before. I recognized this and at first I tried everything to keep our marriage together. I went to therapy alone, because he refused to. I became an even bigger doormat than I was before, and all for nothing. I loved harder than ever before. I was patient, and extra kind (eggshells comes to mind). I begged, I pleaded and I failed.

So ladies if you find yourself in a relationship where it causes you a lot of inner turmoil and there are no children, I suggest you consider ending it. Because when you do... it feels so good. I am more excited about my new path than I ever thought possible. I've always had this fear of rejection & love lost, and honestly it's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be once you get through the grieving portion (which takes it's toll, but does end), then one day, everything is clear and you feel better than you have in years.

If you're not interested in seriously ending it, DON'T write it down for him to find & see. Because my venting to "myself" caused me to lose everything I thought I wanted. Even though, this was to my detriment for a long time, it eventually turned me over and made me realize the things I was writing down, I should have listened to all along. 

Who would have though a stupid journal could end a marriage? Not me. Never. Not in a million years. It's just my luck that I got stuck with one of the most immature selfish and unruly people on the face of this planet. All things said... which I know are horrible. Although I'm positive I'm right... there is one sad thing about our story: mental illness.

I'm absolutely certain now that my husband is mentally ill. Probably a combination of sociopath & bi-polar disorder. I also think that he may have been severely mentally abused as a child by his parents. I fear that he will never recover from any of this. He refuses to admit there is a problem, and he refuses to get help. Forever I will now walk this earth worrying about him, and hope that one day someone somewhere will convince him how badly he needs help. That being estranged from your family & society and becoming a hermit is no way to live your life. Living each day, so that you can afford to get drunk each night. He keeps his family at a distance, so other than me, there is no one else that knows about any of this.

As for me, I am moving many states away, and returning to my family where I belong. I'll return to school in a year or so, and get a fresh start. With the love and support I've been hoping for from him for the past five years. I plan to take ballroom dancing lessons, join Habitat for Humanity, get involved in my parents church, and find a new way to live life. Alone & happy.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mandia99508 said:


> If you're not interested in seriously ending it, DON'T write it down for him to find & see. Because my venting to "myself" caused me to lose everything I thought I wanted.


I have a journal, too. There's nothing in there my H doesnt know. Ive said meaner things to his face then ive ever written in my journal. The fastest way to end a relationship is to withhold your true feelings.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds like you're writing about me and hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I have a journal, too. There's nothing in there my H doesnt know. Ive said meaner things to his face then ive ever written in my journal. The fastest way to end a relationship is to withhold your true feelings.


You know what you're probably right, but I probably would have lost him had I told him all the little insignificant thoughts I had too. He's sensitive, and terrified of being a disappointment.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am happy for you. i would just have to question why you married him when you describe him as your polar opposite?


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i am happy for you. i would just have to question why you married him when you describe him as your polar opposite?



Because in the beginning I loved that he and I were so different yet so similar. We moved in together 5 days after we first met, and the love took over from there. We were fanciful for a few months, I followed him around the country, and we were truly in love. Then... we got married. If it were up to me, I would hope that I could find the man I met and knew before we got married, and marry that man. The man I know now is different from him in many way. When we met, we were both drunks... in a way. We partied like crazy. Like I said as we matured, we grew apart. That is really what tore us apart in the end was how different we became. What brought us together was how similar we were in the beginning.

He'll regret losing me one day. I know he will. He just has a lot of growing up to do. I will love him for the rest of my life in my own way, but honestly to even consider taking him back, he'd have to have year of sobriety under his belt.


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

I fully understand what you are talking about. My husband has some similarities to yours. I do believe mine is mentally ill also and I know I will forever worry about him, but like you, I have been through too much to be able to turn back. I am also very happy that the end is almost here. I am still in the divorce process but I am reaching for that freedom.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Annie Mouse said:


> I fully understand what you are talking about. My husband has some similarities to yours. I do believe mine is mentally ill also and I know I will forever worry about him, but like you, I have been through too much to be able to turn back. I am also very happy that the end is almost here. I am still in the divorce process but I am reaching for that freedom.


Annie-
I too am still in the divorce process. Hell, we're still living together. Civilly now, better than it was before. A lot better, but it's still not the way it was, obviously. Since I've forced him to remain sober and attend AA things took about 2 weeks to get better and they have. But for me, too little too late. He'll always be an alcoholic and no matter how much I love him, the abuse has been done, and you can't take that back. It will probably be a cycle he goes through his whole life. I know one thing, when he takes me to the airport I will make one simple request of him, and that will be: If he ever gets in to a romantic relationship ever again, he needs to communicate, otherwise he has no business playing with other girls hearts. He's a real looker, and is pretty good at always getting what he wants. But he clams up under any kind of emotional pressure or moral question. Like I said... sociopath.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mandia:
I ended an unhappy marriage many years ago, too. It lasted about five years. Not because my ex was not good, the feeling was just not right. I was so unhappy that I considered myself committing suicide in a slow way. Finally I made the decision to move on. I was 29 at the time. Now I am happily married with my Canadian husband. I am still the same woman. Two different men, one thought that he only needed to give me his paycheck, one knows a paycheck is not enough to make a woman happy. Sometimes I feel that a lot of people are married to the wrong people. But how can you be sure that you meet the right one. By luck? By wisdom? I don't know. I hope you find a happy life very soon!!!!!


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

Ah Greenpearl, 

I know exactly what you are talking about. My husband thought that giving his paycheck was like giving the whole world. What on earth else could I possibly ask of him after that?! I am very happy for you that you found a man who is better for you and wish you much happiness.


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## Annie Mouse (Sep 8, 2010)

Mandia,

I too am living with my husband still, but we have been in separate rooms for a couple of months. He has withdrawn the only thing he ever did give and that was the paycheck which covered 2/3 of the bills. Now I have to manage everything myself which I don't mind as I was doing everything anyway. There was always financial strain, now it's just a bit bigger. I wish he'd move out so I can move on, but he just wont leave. The divorce is set to go to final Oct 18th.


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