# Emotional Infidelity/Sex Addict? Looking for Opinions



## crafty1 (Jan 23, 2009)

I am new to this website. I have been searching for others who have had a similar experience as I feel lost about what to do. 

About 1 year ago I discovered that my live-in boyfriend was emailing back and forth with women on internet sites. The emails were extremely explicit, he even sent a picture of his genitalia. When I confronted him, he apologized...sort of. He claimed that he felt we were in love, but that I was not giving him enough sex and that our relationship was lacking intimacy. I acknowledged that we could probably have more sex, but I was feeling overwhelmed with my job and other family problems at the time. I also admitted to having some intimacy issues since I am a sexual assault victim. Though this was many years ago, I recognize that it is not something I have dealt with fully. 

We spent several days apart and were so torn to be away from each other that we talked it out and promised nothing like this would happen again. 

A few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. We had been talking about marriage and children for some time and were swept away in the excitement of it all. We married in May and I thought we had put the experience behind us. We even had discussions about it now and then where he made it clear to me that he was so disappointed in himself and sorry that he had done this to me. 

I was put on bed rest in mid June due to various complications with my pregnancy and we were not allowed to have sex. My son was born August 28th. 

Last weekend I again discovered emails from my husband to women who had posted personal ads on Craigslist. He is going out of town on business in early Feb and was responding to ads requesting anonymous sex as he would only be in town on business. Again, he told me he was having problems with the same old issues. He didn't feel like I was sexual enough for him and he had no intention of ever meeting these women. 

I have still been feeling unsure. I now have a 5 month old to think about as well. I looked at his emails and discovered that during a business trip he took 1 week before the birth of our son (while I was hospitalized on bed rest by the way) he was communicating back and forth with women he had contacted via personal ads. This time I discovered that he was providing his personal phone number, the name of his hotel, and the name of a bar to meet at. In addition, he sent several texts messages to "erotic massage therapists" during his trip. 

I now have a VERY difficult time believing a number of things. First, I can't believe his intentions were limited to strictly an "ego boost". Second, I am beginning to believe he did meet with women and potentially had a physical relationship. Third, his claim that I am the one with the problem and not him is straight BS!!! 

As horrible as all of this is, I do love him. I realize that broken hearts mend and that I want to set a good example for my son. However outside of this experience, my husband is an amazing man. He is a gentleman, he works 2 jobs so that I can stay home with our son (I could go back to work, but I want this time with my son), he is giving and kind. 

Has anyone out there truly saved their marriage through counseling or is it just a band-aid?


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Get some information on sex addiction and confront your husband with it. Did you think your husband would change when you married him? I know unfortunately a lot of women who have married men after they know there could be potential problems later on down the road.:scratchhead: But what is done is done. You now have a child to think about. He sounds like a sex addict to me. Normal people don't send pictures of their genitalia to strangers on the internet. That should have been a big tipoff. Lots of men and women once caught claim they'll change and never do it again but it's just lip service. I know it's not easy to leave a marriage or relationship you have a lot of time and energy invested in. It can also be scary too. But in the end it's for the best. Sex addiction takes a lot of time, energy and investment in really wanting to change. You've got a tough row to hoe but hopefully it works out for you. Good Luck to you.


----------



## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

His claim that this has ANYTHING to do with you or your sex life is BS!!! I am in a similar situation (somewhat) and the best, healthiest thing I've learned in counseling is that people go on these sites for them, their egos and personal issues only! You can change, you can twist yourself into a pretzel, you can get a makeover, you can act like a porn star - you name it - and these types of people will STILL go on these sites or exhibit this behavior. The only time they will stop is when they choose to, of their own free will and seek help. My therapist pounded this into my head over and over until I really "got it" and believed it entirely. I went in thinking there had to be a way I could satisfy him so he wouldn't need to hit up these women via email and chat, exchange the photos, etc. But that simply isn't true. 

I'm sorry I can't speak to whether or not your specific situation will work out or not - but I really, really wanted you to know that this isn't about you in any way, shape or form. Your husband needs help. If he's willing to get it, maybe things could turn out. But he has to be 100% willing. Good luck hon...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ever notice how sex addicts never seem to be addicted to having sex with their wives/girlfriends/partners? 

*Why is that?*

You are a live-in. Please do not get married to this man. There is no way of telling how many times he's hooked up with people online. He is putting you at SERIOUS risk for STDs. STDs are no joke. Get tested. Like yesterday. 

If he did it the one time, I could understand but he's posting over and over again looking for some strange. He has zero respect for you.

I accidentally discovered my husband (oops, ex as of today! lol) posting ads for "intimate encounters/looking for fun and love" online and you know what that fool told me? That it was a joke. No it wasn't. And I wasn't laughing either! Then he started hiding his phone/passcodes. Then he cheated. He said our sex life was dwindling. No, it wasn't! Later all sorts of things came out which he openly admitted to me. I had only heart just a teensy bit of the truth. 

Excuses are just that --excuses. Excuses don't explain and explainations don't excuse.

Until he owns it you've got a *big big *problem.

I say kick this idiot to the curb. And get tested straight away.


----------



## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ever notice how sex addicts never seem to be addicted to having sex with their wives/girlfriends/partners?
> 
> *Why is that?*


Because sex with their partner isn't annonymous, dangerous, and thrilling. Because it isn't wrong, and wrong is what they love.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Color me jaded but I don't think sex addiction exists. I think being a hound dog and getting away with it exists. He's a cad, as they used to say. He'll bang whomever, wherever, whenever because he can get away with it. And technology just makes that easy to do.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with you both. It's a cop-out. If you're so addicted, then have sex a thousand times a day with your SO.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ok, yeah he's the one with the problem, I mean, you were on bedrest, while pregnant with HIS child, while maybe you COULD have done "other things" such as oral, or using your hand, I don't know, I don't know if what your restrictions were as regarding no sex, or whether you were allowed to be up and about at all.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I guess it depends on the woman lol, but I do believe there are some out there. It's a very sad addiction, because sex isn't really something most people can do without. Drug addicts/alchies can cut it out of their lives and move on, sex is a human need.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sonny said:


> How come women are never (wait rarely) sex addicts?


Probably for the same reason that human females are the only mammals that don't go into heat. Similarly human males are almost unique in the sense that they are receptive to sex all the time in lieu of seasonal cycles.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I dunno about that, I know that right before I go into that time of the month, I am especially randy lol, I always figured it was the human female equivalent of heat.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not. Estrus is a very specific sequence of biological events.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Well anyways.....LOL


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah women are biologically more turned on during their menses.


----------

