# Did either of you mention divorce casually or inadvertanly before the bomb dropped??



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So my question is a little hard to put into words but what I am wondering is if either you or ex ever brought up anything pertaining to divorce or living separately or moving on before the subject was broached formally.

You always here of someone being blindsided by their spouse or their X dropping the bomb out of the blue and you even hear about people threatening divorce fight or even bringing it up formally during a serious conversation about relationship matters. 

But what I am wondering is if either of you happened to bring up something in casual conversation or even an inadvertent slip of the tongue that showed that you/they were thinking about it.

An example would be something like saying, "...... after I get my own place, I may get........" Or another example may be, "...... if we have split custody of the kids....." or " have you thought of where you'd live if we split up?" and I suppose the real giveaway would be if someone says, "..... once we are divorced, I am going to ........"

So in hindsight or retrospect, did either of you have a slip of the tongue like that or have anything come up in just regular, casual conversation that indicated that divorce was on your/their mind?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Other than my RSXW calling a meeting one early March morning requesting a “trial separation” with some 60 days notice, no! 

And while I was simply blindsided by her announcement, I was a blithering dumbass in not knowing that she had already been cheating at the time! *


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Yes, I did. I told exH 18 months before I moved out that I was planning on doing so and why, the why was obvious by then. We had talked about separating 6 months before that and he said he would not do anything in furtherance of it … he wasn’t moving, would not sell the house, etc. I told him of my plans in advance out of courtesy and the fact that it would take a lot of (obvious) planning so he would know in any case.

I don’t think he believed me because months later he flipped out and became violent the day I signed a lease on an apartment. And so, despite the planning I left in the middle of the night with my (adult) child, my 3 dogs, a “go bag” and went to a girlfriend’s house until my lease started.

I like to be direct in my interactions with people … YMMV.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No never even considered it in my first marriage till I had to. Nor did my husband in his own first marriage. Neither of us believe in divorce except for very serious things so divorce was/is never on our minds.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We were both pretty clear well in advance that a divorce was going to happen if nothing changed. Nothing changed, and I went ahead with it. I did delay moving out by a year so she could get stable on her new bipolar meds, though. It still seemed to surprise her that I meant it, and did what I said I'd do, even though she had agreed it was for the best.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Thanks for the responses. 

I guess what I was wondering is if any had some kind of inadvertent slip of the tongue and said something like,".... when I get my own place, I'm gonna get a purple couch..." Or something like that that just kind of slipped out.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Thanks for the responses.
> 
> I guess what I was wondering is if any had some kind of inadvertent slip of the tongue and said something like,".... when I get my own place, I'm gonna get a purple couch..." Or something like that that just kind of slipped out.


It would only slip out if you were thinking about it.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> It would only slip out if you were thinking about it.


Yeah, that is kinda my point. I was wondering if people had any examples of a slip of the tongue or having something come up in casual conversation that gave them a glimpse of what was coming up on the horizon.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I introduced my ex as " my first husband, S" at a party.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

We would have arguments about stuff from time to time (usually over the lack of sex) Typically her response would be "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" This happened any number of times over the course of our marriage. It was usually followed by an apology by me ( I was a Nice Guy) and a temporary increase in allowable activity on her part, which slowly faded back into the same old infrequent sex rut again. 
About 8 months before she left, we had a big argument over her basically ignoring what I had said about not being able to afford the luxury vacation "she" wanted to take our daughter on when she graduated from college. Instead of looking onto something else, she conned our son and DIL into paying for half of it, and then gave me the ultimatum to write a check. When I objected she said "I think we should just get divorced. But, I don't think we should tell anyone, yet". Of course, I apologized and things went right back to "normal" for the next six months. As soon as my daughter finished school, we went on the vacation "she" wanted to take my daughter on. Shortly after we got back, she staged a series of events to make it look like it was all my fault and left. To this day, she still lies and says I told her to leave and that it was all my fault.
In retrospect, I wish I had told her to leave. But not when it ended, but years before that. It would have been far easier to have just ripped the bandage off and ended it, than how it turned out. I spent years of my life trying to please a narcissist and nearly gave away my entire self in doing so.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ynot said:


> We would have arguments about stuff from time to time (usually over the lack of sex) Typically her response would be "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" This happened any number of times over the course of our marriage. It was usually followed by an apology by me ( I was a Nice Guy) and a temporary increase in allowable activity on her part, which slowly faded back into the same old infrequent sex rut again.
> About 8 months before she left, we had a big argument over her basically ignoring what I had said about not being able to afford the luxury vacation "she" wanted to take our daughter on when she graduated from college. Instead of looking onto something else, she conned our son and DIL into paying for half of it, and then gave me the ultimatum to write a check. When I objected she said "I think we should just get divorced. But, I don't think we should tell anyone, yet". Of course, I apologized and things went right back to "normal" for the next six months. As soon as my daughter finished school, we went on the vacation "she" wanted to take my daughter on. Shortly after we got back, she staged a series of events to make it look like it was all my fault and left. To this day, she still lies and says I told her to leave and that it was all my fault.
> In retrospect, I wish I had told her to leave. But not when it ended, but years before that. It would have been far easier to have just ripped the bandage off and ended it, than how it turned out. I spent years of my life trying to please a narcissist and nearly gave away my entire self in doing so.


In my opinion, threatening to leave or divorce is a horrible thing to do unless its for something very serious, in which case you just do it anyway. 
As in your case, it was used to control and manipulate.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

We had talked on and off for a few years about the issues that led to divorce. He chose not to do anything about it all and would have stayed married till death if it was up to him. When I told him I wanted a divorce he was sad, upset but relieved because it was the best thing for both of us.

There were no inadvertent hints, I had tried to discuss the problems.


----------



## mohamedsocialrem (Oct 22, 2017)

Ynot said:


> We would have arguments about stuff from time to time (usually over the lack of sex) Typically her response would be "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" This happened any number of times over the course of our marriage. It was usually followed by an apology by me ( I was a Nice Guy) and a temporary increase in allowable activity on her part, which slowly faded back into the same old infrequent sex rut again.
> About 8 months before she left, we had a big argument over her basically ignoring what I had said about not being able to afford the luxury vacation "she" wanted to take our daughter on when she graduated from college. Instead of looking onto something else, she conned our son and DIL into paying for half of it, and then gave me the ultimatum to write a check. When I objected she said "I think we should just get divorced. But, I don't think we should tell anyone, yet". Of course, I apologized and things went right back to "normal" for the next six months. As soon as my daughter finished school, we went on the vacation "she" wanted to take my daughter on. Shortly after we got back, she staged a series of events to make it look like it was all my fault and left. To this day, she still lies and says I told her to leave and that it was all my fault.
> In retrospect, I wish I had told her to leave. But not when it ended, but years before that. It would have been far easier to have just ripped the bandage off and ended it, than how it turned out. I spent years of my life trying to please a narcissist and nearly gave away my entire self in doing so.


being smart in a relationship is needed at least one of 2 should be .the other will support the consequences usually of this dirty play of emotional intelligence where women have a real advantage to be at the top of the podium . they just usually manipulate the man because of his sexual weaknesses. so be smart in the future and take care . life is short and maybe a fragmented pieces of happiness in our life is better than resistance for decades for a final failure.isn t it ?

Trimis de pe al meu SM-J530F folosind Tapatalk


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

No, there were no casual mentions of divorce. Ever. I would never mention such a thing casually or hint around about it or give way to a slip of the tongue. Because I would never casually consider a divorce, and I would never conceal the intent to divorce from my partner. The only exception would be if I somehow found myself in an abusive relationship and felt the need to conceal an escape plan for fear of being hurt or killed if it were discovered. But otherwise, if the relationship is so broken that I was thinking of leaving, I would feel it only right to say so directly to my spouse. Then we could decide together whether to work on things or end it. 

When I divorced, we had supposedly been in R for nearly 3 years, in the wake of what I thought was an EA he'd had with a family friend. So, he was aware of the issues and we'd already seen one MC for 10 months and been released "because we were doing so well". But things actually weren't going all that well, and I insisted on MC with a new counselor. I'd already told him more than once that I couldn't stay married to someone who continued [insert one of several really objectionable behaviors]. So, when our second MC suggested a polygraph for him, leading to a last-minute confession of two decades of cheating of all types coupled with an admission that he had no real intention of changing his lifestyle to become a trustworthy partner, I very calmly told him I was done and would be filing for divorce. And, yet, he was still shocked. Honestly and completely shocked. In the 10 weeks it took to separate all of our assets, buy a home and move myself and our son into it, and have the divorce finalized, he never once seemed to really think I was serious. For nearly 2.5 years after I divorced him, even after he was engaged to his now-wife, he continued to behave as if this were a temporary snit that I would eventually get over and come home where I belonged. 

That's the thing with serial cheaters. They never really think their BS is actually going to leave them. It's like it didn't ever really occur to him in any real way that I might actually divorce. Even with warnings. Even after both of our MC told him that our marriage wouldn't last if he wasn't willing to behave differently. Even after I'd told him very clearly and very calmly what I needed from him if we were to remain married. He still didn't think I would actually leave. 

He was mistaken.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The ex raised divorce all the time. Now I know why


----------

