# What would you say to my wife?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm formulating a plan to solve our HD/ID issue once and for all. I'm tired of rejecting/hurting her and it's not my intention at all. But I need help to convince her that it is a problem and that we both need to go counselling to fix it. Chances are she may not listen to me, so this is a contigency plan. 

I'm planning to print out any advice that you guys can give her - to let her know what married folk think of our little situation. Sure she may go "they don't know us" "what do they know" but I'm hoping a few posts can get through to her head.

So you guys know our situation, what advice would you give to my wife?
For those unfamiliar... well, there's a few threads:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/55379-fine-line-has-drawn.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/55035-performance-anxiety.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/55552-she-hypersexual.html

EDIT: Actually, advice from men would be welcome too!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hi RD,

It certainly seems excessive to me. Or maybe thats just the perspective of a man in his 50's.

How the heck do you introduce variety to spice it up? You're going to have to do something like doing a handstand in the kitchen sink, balancing your pet dog on your left foot and pleasuring your wife with the right just to get some variety.

What would seem like some mens absolute dream, a wife gagging for it multiple times a day, would surely fade into "oh god not again" fairly quickly.

My absolute recent record was four times in one 24 hour period about 2 to 3 years ago.
The night we arrived at the hotel we were staying at, the next morning, lunchtime (she told me that she needed to change her shoes but it was just a ruse to get me in bed again), and again in the evening. She tried again the next morning but ashamed to say I couldn't manage it, just an age thing I suppose. Her excuse? We had a four poster bed and she was horny!

The point is that any woman, if she is determined enough will be able to tap out her H/BF it just becomes physically impossible to perform. Unless of course you are 17 and have more jizz than brains.

I may be wrong but in one of your other posts you mention that there is a small age gap? Whats going to happen as you approach my age? I regard myself as fairly randy but unless I have sufficient time to recover it aint gonna happen again.

Could you burn off some of her sexual energy by exercising together in a gym or running?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

As part of our routine we do roleplay, toys, teases, different positions/places, and you're right -> it still all gets old when we do it so often. It was SO MUCH better when it was once a day or every other day. The anticipation, the tension, it all adds to the fun instead of the duty fks we have managed to go back to.

This problem seesaws back and forth, we have a fight, I end up resetting our sexual frequency back to 4-5x a week, but over time the frequency gradually builds up again, and right now it's back to 2-3x a day, and whenever I try to reset it and re-establish some space and boundaries, my wife complains. I'm tired of this same old crap everytime.

And hell I have no idea what I'm going to do if my ballsacs no longer function - I'm trying not to think about that yet!!! lol - I wonder what she will do too. My wife does keep herself fit; pole dancing and JJJ, doesn't seem to expel that sexual energy of hers however.

Right now I just need help convincing her to come to counselling with me


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How about this:

You want it X times a week and she wants it Y times a week

Meet in the middle!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've tried that, once a day minimum I had promised and I have delivered with exceptions to my agreed "days off" which then leads to "make up sessions" and the cycle continues.

I snuck out of bed tonight after putting her to sleep because frankly I need some time to myself. She gives me absolutely no space at times. As loving, passionate, genuine and awesome as she is, this is the one flaw of hers that always gets me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So... no one has any ideas on how to convince my wife to come to counselling with me? 

Please don't tell me I have to "pull rank"... =/
That's last resort and it can cause some more pain and/or serious resentment if counselling doesn't liberate her from her issues


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

This has been an ongoing issue for my wife and I for years and years. Just recently I had to be firm about it and that it was an important marital issue to me that couldn't be fluffed off any longer. 

Prior to that, I had been trying by buying new toys, etc., but it was one step forward, two steps back. Only when I became demanding did things change. 

My wife admitted that it is a problem and she should try to improve her sex drive. Lo and behold, we have had a great week and change and had some of the hottest sex last night than we have had in a long time. 

My suggestion is to go straight to the point but don't use ultimatums. This is an adult topic and being open minded (both parties) is key.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s nothing but a boundary problem. As far as sex is concerned you both have crap boundaries.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@40Isthenew20



> My suggestion is to go straight to the point but don't use ultimatums. This is an adult topic and being open minded (both parties) is key.


Looks like you've been there, done that. For me though I find it difficult to get results without ultimatums or strict foot stomping. How did you do it exactly?

@AFEH

Aye, and she keeps trying to poke at my boundaries heh


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The thing is, RD, when she pokes at the boundaries, poke back. By giving in so often, you show that it really doesn't matter to you, which in turn causes more arguments. If you want to avoid all of these arguments, stick to the boundaries, with the "days off" added in.


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## funtimes (Sep 15, 2012)

Look into counselors in your area. Talk to one yourself and then maybe try to bring her into the sessions. Or just find a list of counselors that can be options and ask her to help pick one for the two of you. If she wants a better marriage then she should be open to counseling. Tell her how you feel and why you think the counseling will help. Don't make it about her and so that she feels attacked. Make it about issues you have so maybe she will be more open to it. Hope that helps!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> @40Isthenew20
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I took it a bit too far with an ultimatum and it almost blew up in my face. I said that she either has to start banging more or expect me to do it outside the marriage. But the problem was that she already had admitted that she was the one that needed to step it up and I should have taken my foot off the gas at that point in the conversation. 

That's why I warned about stict ultimatums, but for what it's worth, she's been better since then. Maybe the idle threat did shake her up some. 

You probably would be better off just being firm on that her LD I has residual effects that trickle down and cause friction between the two of you. I'm sure that when you were dating and first married, she was not as bad (most case scenario). So out it on her shoulders that she is the one who has changed and that is a concern to you. 

You need to stress to her that sex is an important part of the marriage to you and this is becoming an issue that needs to be addressed - not later but now.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm, the problem is I'm LD, she's HD. She became HD since marriage (though I wouldn't call it HD, it's more ID - Insane drive).

As for boundaries too. In the end, come to think of it -> I'm as bad as her. I push her boundaries too, to the point I guess when it comes to sex, we don't respect each other's boundaries at all. Since the day we first laid eyes on each other it's been passionate games of cat and mouse/wrestling each other/etc. The passion is still very fierce after 6 coming 7 yrs. We constantly challenge each other, a side effect of being best of friends for a full year.

My wife reckons that all these problems are in my head. Some women here also seem to have a similar opinion, and I've taken the advice weighing it up with my situation. However, she's simply a bit too excessive, and her past begs questions.

There is some real deep pain that even after so many years I have no idea about. Everything proves it, interconnecting with our religious issues. I just want to make sure she is taken care of and mentally sane. She has too much of a dependence on a man's desire to appreciate her own self-worth in my opinion, shown by her past, her religious views and reasons for them, and her present.

Not to mention too... the very first time we had it. I felt it straight away something was up, just the way she did it despite how great it was.

My gut is crying out that she needs healing from whatever the hell it is that she has been suffering. She's in complete denial and reckons she can fool me. But everytime she has fooled me in the past, it's when I DIDN'T trust my gut/instincts.

I've also examined every other possibility, including what she said which I disregarded as I knew she was "inflating my ego". I have now confirmation that sure, I tease her constantly and it is part of the reason sex comes easy for me. But 3x a day? Her not taking rejection well... her past/etc etc... nah, the issues are deeper.

Ne ways, I've talked to my IC about this but she's not confident in being able to help her - this is a very complicated issue, she has referred me to others whom I have not yet established any trust in yet. Not sure if I should do scouting, but guess it can't hurt.

*sighs* She reckons whenever I bring up issues like this to her, it's because I'm falling out of love with her or that I don't desire her. Truth is that it's the complete fking opposite. Bah!


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