# To cheat or to break up



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

A thought addressed especially to the BS in R.
One is supposed to end a relationship before entering another instead of cheating. But, do you wish your WS ended your marriage then the next day jumped in bed with the AP? That wouldn't have been called cheating, done with your knowledge that the marriage is over. But then the marriage would have had no chance at R, and many of you wanted to R.
So, would it have been better if the WS ended and it was all over for good, or was it better the way it happened, and you gave them the choice, they went NC , chose R and stayed to work on the M?
Would it really have been better for you if the WS did things by the book ?
just wondering...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

In my case I think so. But here I am 20 years into it and slogging through the unknowns.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Apples and oranges. 

Most WS want to cake eat. Only a small percentage of affairs are truly exit affairs. And the ones that are exit affairs don't go into R. 

But to answer your question, yes it would have been much better. It would have given me the information up front and allowed me to deal with the situation proactively. I would have been able to clarify the red line, "if you do this, I am gone forever. Choose wisely."

I believe the majority of WS, when given this truly black and white decision, would choose not to cheat and work on the marriage. But the majority of affairs live in the shadowy gray areas. Where WS think they "deserve this" and no one will ever know. it's the slippery slope that kills.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Your scenario is basically asking if you would prefer your spouse have an EA that leads to divorce. Its cheating. It doesn't matter if he would have divorced first than jumped into bed.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Honestly I would have preferred my fww just ended it and ended up with some other guy. 

Catching someone cheating, them doing most of the right things muddies the waters and has caused me indecision. 

6 months later and I still get tempted to end this sometimes. Anything she does whether accidental or not seems magnified in my eyes. It's like I constantly evaluate whether I should go or stay. 

On the one hand you say "wow she cheated, and there's prob more she hasn't even admitted too." on the other it's "but she's made progress. Should I hop off the train or see if it crashes again?" 

So I guess yes. I would have preferred she ended it and ran off with the om. This would have then confirmed my opinion of her as a person, removed the indecision from me, and I wouldn't be using my time to evaluate whether or not I should stay. 

Then again I might be unique here.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> A thought addressed especially to the BS in R.
> One is supposed to end a relationship before entering another instead of cheating. But, do you wish your WS ended your marriage then the next day jumped in bed with the AP? That wouldn't have been called cheating, done with your knowledge that the marriage is over. But then the marriage would have had no chance at R, and many of you wanted to R.
> So, would it have been better if the WS ended and it was all over for good, or was it better the way it happened, and you gave them the choice, they went NC , chose R and stayed to work on the M?
> Would it really have been better for you if the WS did things by the book ?
> just wondering...


It usually takes more that 12-24 hours to end a marriage so the scenario you're looking at is pretty unrealistic.

I think if any WS would completely and utterly go through the divorce process in order to sleep with someone else, there's NO chance at R. This scenario is just implausible.

The whole point of cheating for a WS is the ability to KEEP what they've had WHILE getting something new. 

The if/then conundrum you're asking doesn't work in real application.

But to answer your question (and no I'm not in R and never attempted R, I was done when the cheating was brought to light). I'd want the relationship to be over if my WS was going to sleep with someone else. That's called integrity and maybe if my WS had some integrity, they wouldn't have cheated.....gotta love these types of discussions...round and round we go....


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Hortensia, your hypothesis is flawed...

If your WS ends it and the next day is with another lover, they were together already! That is just a fact.

I had this discussion with my kids... You are talking about being 'technically correct'... I don't care to be technically correct with my gf if it's going to piss her off. That would be unwise.

What you are saying is technically correct, however we all know that if someone moves on that fast, they were already cheating.

Cheating in their heart...
Cheating emotionally...
Cheating physically...

I don't think the BS will be any less hurt by it. It's all just cheating and betrayal.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

We are also forgetting the AP's place here. 

Certainly in the case of my ex, she was testing the waters from the security of a marriage and he was getting free, no strings attached, pornstar sex.

She couldn't have done the "end it and run off" scenario.

However, I do wish she had ended the marriage first.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hortensia said:


> ... One is supposed to end a relationship before entering another instead of cheating. But, do you wish your WS ended your marriage then the next day jumped in bed with the AP? That wouldn't have been called cheating, done with your knowledge that the marriage is over. But then the marriage would have had no chance at R, and many of you wanted to R.
> 
> So, would it have been better if the WS ended and it was all over for good, or was it better the way it happened, and you gave them the choice, they went NC , chose R and stayed to work on the M? ...


I think the way you word that is a little misleading, because you don't end a marriage in one day or just a few days. In the USA usually if you file today, it is at least 90 days before the divorce is final--and sometimes a divorce can be dragged out for years! 

I think the honorable thing to do would be to recognize you are unhappy and first consider WHY you are unhappy, bearing in mind that other people can not "make" you happy! So...first think about what it is that is causing you to choose to feel unhappy and see if you can change YOU so that either you accept that thing or you address it and ask for a change. 

Next I'd say the honorable thing to do would be to ask for the change. Let's assume it's something like "we don't spend enough time together" so you have a talk with your spouse, let them know that right now the lack of time together is causing you to choose to be unhappy. Ask for what you need--don't demand but ask them if they are willing to spend 10 hours a week with you or whatever would work for you. They're allowed to say "no" but then they have to counter with what they ARE willing to do to address it. Back and forth until you agree. 

Next I'd say if they agree, and you didn't demand or pressure them but they are not following through on their agreement, again you'd have a talk and this time make sure they are crystal clear that their lack of doing what they voluntarily agreed to is causing SERIOUS damage to the marriage and creating deep resentment in you. Give them time to follow though because new habits can be hard to "get into" but let them do it, don't nag, don't remind, and don't be bitter. 

After some reasonable time, it would be honorable to inform them you are separating and you are going to work on your own issues, and if they want you back in the relationship they are going to have to do the work first and if you see them actually acting like they agreed to...you'll reconsider them "for the job" and if not you have a timeframe in mind and their lack of action will mean that they have broken the vows. 

After that timeframe goes by, it would be honorable to file for divorce and then wait until the divorce is all the way through court and filed "FINAL." THEN AND ONLY THEN would it be honorable to look at or look for another person....because at that point you are single. Prior to that, you are married. 

Sooooo...if they are married -- and if they look at and look for another person -- and if they are involved in even the beginning of an EA -- and they go to their spouse and say "That's it..it's over...I want a separation...I'm filing for divorce tomorrow" -- and then turned and walked out the door never to come back -- *WELL they were already cheating!!* That's not "cheating or breaking up"! That's just cheating that's covered up by breaking up---big difference!!! 

Honorable breaking up means "I did not look at or look for anyone else while I was committed to you. I gave you every opportunity to honor the vow you made to me. Since you choose to not be involved in the marriage, you left and I'm only filing paperwork to legalize what's already been done and not by me. You got 100% of my affection and loyalty right up until the end, but since you wouldn't participate, it did end."


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> But, do you wish your WS ended your marriage then the next day jumped in bed with the AP?


Pretty much what my WAW did. But she didn't actually end the marriage. She just said that she wanted out - and at that point she thought she was a free agent. And even then she tried to keep it secret. Devastating. 

Of course that's leaving out at least on EA before she said she wanted out. 

So not much honor in any of that.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I would have preferred that my WH had ended it with me when it got to the stage that he was looking on dating sites to spend time with other women.

Because perhaps - just perhaps - it might have taken that for us both to look at the car crash our marriage had become and the cheating might not have happened.

I sort of understand why he chose to do what he did - not that it makes it right, by any means, but I understand the circumstances that led up to it.

He did try to tell me he was unhappy but in a sort of half-hearted way, not a way that really got my attention. He'd just sort of get a sad look on his face and say "I'm not happy" then I would give him a kiss and a hug and take him to bed and think that made it better. But by the time he started saying that he was already deep in PA number 1 and had been on dating sites for months.


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## RNS (Apr 6, 2013)

I love my wife...and I am hoping deeply that we can make things work. I am digging deep and working hard to that end.

That being true, I would rather she of broken up with me. I would of rather she done so and never looked back. As a matter of fact I would of rather of had any other conclusion than the one that was presented. 

If it happened this way, sure I would of been hurt, but at least I would feel as if she respected a tiny...tiny little bit. I am a adult and understand that sometimes people change, sometimes things just do not work out. Perhaps I would of even of been able to keep a small shred of dignity. Also of note the few life experiences I could live without experiencing....ever: that ever nagging prescience of fear of what my wife is doing right now, no D-Day needed <I hated that ****>, and no feeling of self inflicted torture and guilt building up to D-Day as you investigate the person you dedicated your life too. 

I think I still sound a little bitter.....sorry about that


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think people are digging at the logistics too hard. I completely understand the point of the question, which is laying out 2 options and deciding which is better.

1) your spouse cheats, you caught it, go through the horrible pain, but work on R, and end up staying together, or

2) your spouse divorces you because he/she is unhappy and might be interested in somebody else, but doesn't cheat, then goes for the other person after divorce

My wife asked me this exact question, and it's a tough one. I kind of had to say #1, since that's the state we're in. If you don't say #1, then you might was well divorce right now and cancel your R attempt.

The question is completely different if #1 changes to:

1a) your spouse cheats, you caught it, go through the horrible pain, and R fails, or your spouse doesn't even want to R in the first place.

Clearly #2 is favorable to that. That's not even worth pondering. It's too obvious. But the other one is. Would you rather go through a painful but successful R and experience that betrayal, or would you rather have your spouse divorce you, and end up with someone that you kind of figured she might be interested in?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> I think people are digging at the logistics too hard. I completely understand the point of the question, which is laying out 2 options and deciding which is better.
> 
> 1) your spouse cheats, you caught it, go through the horrible pain, but work on R, and end up staying together, or
> 
> ...


You break it down eloquently, but the question is too hypothetical to learn anything from discussing it.

In a way, MattMatt has kind of experience of this question, but even that was a unique situation.

It is not possible to reasonably say it would be better to cheat. There is simply no scenario where this would be preferable - if it were, then cheating would be immediately justified and it never is.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Honorable breaking up means "I did not look at or look for anyone else while I was committed to you. I gave you every opportunity to honor the vow you made to me. Since you choose to not be involved in the marriage, you left and I'm only filing paperwork to legalize what's already been done and not by me. You got 100% of my affection and loyalty right up until the end, but since you wouldn't participate, it did end."[/QUOTE]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This thread is making my head explode.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> A thought addressed especially to the BS in R.
> One is supposed to end a relationship before entering another instead of cheating. But, do you wish your WS ended your marriage then the next day jumped in bed with the AP? That wouldn't have been called cheating, done with your knowledge that the marriage is over. But then the marriage would have had no chance at R, and many of you wanted to R.
> So, would it have been better if the WS ended and it was all over for good, or was it better the way it happened, and you gave them the choice, they went NC , chose R and stayed to work on the M?
> Would it really have been better for you if the WS did things by the book ?
> just wondering...


If the person ends the marriage, and then the next day is in bed with AP.... they've been having an affair, unless they met, fell in love and married all very quickly.

I'd rather my W left me and THEN jumped in bed with the AP, at least that would save me a little bit of dignity. By sneaking behind my back for a half a decade, I now am in R.... the other way I'd be sleeping with my ex after she left the loser OM realizing that he's not even 1/100th the man she already had. So we'd still be in R.. it would just be after a D.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hortensia said:


> A thought addressed especially to the BS in R.
> One is supposed to end a relationship before entering another instead of cheating. But, do you wish your WS ended your marriage then the next day jumped in bed with the AP? That wouldn't have been called cheating, done with your knowledge that the marriage is over. But then the marriage would have had no chance at R, and many of you wanted to R.
> So, would it have been better if the WS ended and it was all over for good, or was it better the way it happened, and you gave them the choice, they went NC , chose R and stayed to work on the M?
> Would it really have been better for you if the WS did things by the book ?
> just wondering...


Excellent question that seems to challenge the common wisdom around here.
At least if the regulars are willing to consider it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Busy Accountant said:


> Your scenario is basically asking if you would prefer your spouse have an EA that leads to divorce. Its cheating. It doesn't matter if he would have divorced first than jumped into bed.


Not true.

There are a couple of women I could have tomorrow if I divorced today with no previous EA at all.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> Most WS want to cake eat. Only a small percentage of affairs are truly exit affairs. And the ones that are exit affairs don't go into R.


This statement supports the OP's premise.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Not true.
> 
> There are a couple of women I could have tomorrow if I divorced today with no previous EA at all.


Just a couple? I could have thousands tomorrow if I divorced.. Craigslist & Christianmingle.com...


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

If my hubby had come to me and said I want a divorce before cheating I would have had a chance to fight and attempt R.. People dothat all the time. They say they're unhappy and then the couple asks to work on it before getting a divorce. 

If I'd told my husband I was feeling butter and wanted a divorce before id revenge cheated we'd have had a chance to discuss it. 

Cheating is one party doing something about their relationship without mentioning it to the other. If he'd mentioned a divorce before cheating and it had happened and we got divorced I wouldn't have been cheated on.

In my case if I'd gotten a divorce instead of setting up a revenge booty call I likely wouldn't have met my OM at all.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Just a couple? I could have thousands tomorrow if I divorced.. Craigslist & Christianmingle.com...


It's too dang easy to find OW/OM if sex is all your after.. What a world we live in!!!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I went out with my best friend a week or so after D-day, before my WH and I set out on our road to R. At that time I was pretty certain we'd be getting a D.

I wasn't even trying - just sat at a table with my friend and I could have had half a dozen. And I'm 40 and slightly overweight. Just think how many I could have had if I'd tried.

But it's hollow. Those men weren't interested in me. They just saw a semi-attractive female to try it on with. When they got turned down - politely - they just moved onto the next one. Yes, I got a bit of validation that I "still had it" but that's all.

It's no achievement to say you can go out and get sex the day after you split up.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The second choice does not involve the same degree of betrayal. Anyone that's been through this knows the lies and deceit cause the deepest and most profound damage. 

With choice 2, some of that damage gets mitigated because technically the marriage had already 'ended'. But the cost of avoiding that is the amazingly beautiful, twisted little gem called 'hope'. 

So then… What would you pay for hope?

Choices come down to....

without hope... your dealing with grief and loss.

with hope*... your dealing with betrayal.

*with hope you get a chance that loss can be avoided, then (a) you begin the long painful road to the recovery of your marriage, and the pitfalls of reconciliation. The odds are stacked overwhelmingly against you but with enough work, hope remains and all things are possible. or (b) the strength of your denial and the will to endure the pain fades. You come to terms with the damage and your fight ends. Then you deal with the grief and loss.

FWIW.. after the dust has settled on my lost marriage and family and my wounds have mostly healed... I'd take the human experience again. Odds, Smodds… give me choice "A". Maybe I’m not wired right but I chose hope and a chance to fight for what I believed in. 

I’ve got no regrets, just scars. ;-)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

One answer rarely fits all cases.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Not true.
> 
> There are a couple of women I could have tomorrow if I divorced today with no previous EA at all.


She said "the AP". Its already an affair!!!!!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Busy Accountant said:


> Your scenario is basically asking if you would prefer your spouse have an EA that leads to divorce. Its cheating. It doesn't matter if he would have divorced first than jumped into bed.


That's intriguing  So, please explain something : if one means to stay faithful, but let's say - they meet someone else and find themselves fallen in love , how is that cheating ? You would call it an EA, but I don't see it as cheating, unless they go for it and to hell with everything. 
In my opinion developing feelings is not cheating. Is cheating if you choose to go for it and have a PA, or if you don't go NC and feed the feelings.
Falling in love doesn't ask us , it just happens.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

russell28 said:


> If the person ends the marriage, and then the next day is in bed with AP.... they've been having an affair, unless they met, fell in love and married all very quickly.
> 
> I'd rather my W left me and THEN jumped in bed with the AP, at least that would save me a little bit of dignity. By sneaking behind my back for a half a decade, I now am in R.... the other way I'd be sleeping with my ex after she left the loser OM realizing that he's not even 1/100th the man she already had. So we'd still be in R.. it would just be after a D.


Well, that's a no-win anyway for the WS then ! 
If they jump in bed with someone BEFORE divorcing, it's cheating and is wrong.
If they keep it in their pants UNTIL AFTER the divorce, it's been cheating anyway, all this time ! Because they have been wanting to ( an EA).
So, even if they are honest and inform their spouses they choose someone else, they fell in love with someone else, that is STILL cheating ? 
I disagree with this. I think it's selfish to think this way. Just because they have fallen out of love with US doesn't make them wrong. As long as there is honesty. I want my H to tell me if he falls out of love, there's no point in keeping him if his heart is no longer mine, just to try force things back into how they were.

I think everybody has the right to pursuit their own happiness.
There are situations where an EA is cheating and there are situations where it is an honest way to exit an existent relationship ( aka confessing and exiting ).

So, since you guys claim that if they get with the AP right away, there has been cheating, when it has not - then it gives the WS no motivation to be honest, cause what's the difference, if it's labeled as cheating anyway?
Who agrees?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> That's intriguing  So, please explain something : if one means to stay faithful, but let's say - they meet someone else and find themselves fallen in love , how is that cheating ? You would call it an EA, but I don't see it as cheating, unless they go for it and to hell with everything.
> In my opinion developing feelings is not cheating. Is cheating if you choose to go for it and have a PA, or if you don't go NC and feed the feelings.
> Falling in love doesn't ask us , it just happens.


As soon as your interest in another person strays across the bounds of friendship - and I mean REAL honest friendship, not the "honest, we're just friends" friendship, then as a married person you stop and you take a good long look at what you are doing.

Are you looking forward to seeing this person a little too much than is healthy? Are you fantasising about kissing them, sleeping with them?

Already that is too far. THAT is when you put the brakes on and you tell yourself NO - this goes NO FURTHER. I am MARRIED and I love my wife/husband.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Well, that's a no-win anyway for the WS then !
> If they jump in bed with someone BEFORE divorcing, it's cheating and is wrong.
> If they keep it in their pants UNTIL AFTER the divorce, it's been cheating anyway, all this time ! Because they have been wanting to ( an EA).
> So, even if they are honest and inform their spouses they choose someone else, they fell in love with someone else, that is STILL cheating ?
> ...


I think, when you get married you take a vow:

For better or worse. Forsaking all others.

If you didn't mean it, you shouldn't have said it.

Everyone has a right to everything. Sure. Blah Blah Blah.

Ending a marriage is wrong. Full stop. There I said it.

Cheating is a lot more wrong.

Next question.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Busy Accountant said:


> She said "the AP". Its already an affair!!!!!


Lol the paranoia ! :rofl: Relax, I said AP because it was easier. I could have very well said someone they fell for at work, someone they wish they were with instead. I didn't mean it as if there was already an affair. 
It is this affair paranoia that doesn't allow many of us to broaden our perspective. It doesn't even allow you understand my question for what it was.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

^There is nothing funny about cheating.

Forgive me, as I haven't gone back through your threads, but have you actually been cheated on? Or is this a hypothetical question?

When you get married you take vows to be faithful - not "to be faithful until the next moderately attractive person comes along and I get a bit bored with my spouse."


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> I think, when you get married you take a vow:
> 
> For better or worse. Forsaking all others.
> 
> ...


Wow. Ok, so you just get stuck in a marriage where the feelings are gone, because you took a vow? How selfish is that. I have a life meant to be happy. My spouse has a life meant to be happy. If we no longer "click", we just have to stay in there, because of the vow ! 
I have a big problem with that. I'm all against going doing things behind a spouses' back, but if you feel that you would rather do so, let them know and get out. 
I see a lot of one-way, only my-way thinking on this forum...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Wow. Ok, so you just get stuck in a marriage where the feelings are gone, because you took a vow? How selfish is that. I have a life meant to be happy. My spouse has a life meant to be happy. If we no longer "click", we just have to stay in there, because of the vow !
> I have a big problem with that. I'm all against going doing things behind a spouses' back, but if you feel that you would rather do so, let them know and get out.
> I see a lot of one-way, only my-way thinking on this forum...


Unlike yours?

I am pro marriage. I am pro keeping promises.

Marriages need work; everything in life does.

Some people are lazy. Some people are liars. Sure, I have to deal with that, but it doesn't make it right.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Robsia said:


> As soon as your interest in another person strays across the bounds of friendship - and I mean REAL honest friendship, not the "honest, we're just friends" friendship, then as a married person you stop and you take a good long look at what you are doing.
> 
> Are you looking forward to seeing this person a little too much than is healthy? Are you fantasising about kissing them, sleeping with them?
> 
> Already that is too far. THAT is when you put the brakes on and you tell yourself NO - this goes NO FURTHER. I am MARRIED and I love my wife/husband.


Yep ! that's what you're supposed to do. Tell yourself NO, stop from going any further. I too love my H , I'm just looking at the situation hypothetically.
What about those who already stopped loving their spouses, or those who really have fallen hard for someone else and telling themselves NO doesn't work ? ( I'm thankful I'm not there )
I'm just saying. Sometimes an honest exit from the marriage means no chance to R . It just came in my mind, looking at the bright side of each perspective, reading these threads.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Yep ! that's what you're supposed to do. Tell yourself NO, stop from going any further. I too love my H , I'm just looking at the situation hypothetically.
> What about those who already stopped loving their spouses, or those who really have fallen hard for someone else and telling themselves NO doesn't work ? ( I'm thankful I'm not there )
> I'm just saying. Sometimes an honest exit from the marriage means no chance to R . It just came in my mind, looking at the bright side of each perspective, reading these threads.


You seem to have answered the question you first posed.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> That's intriguing  So, please explain something : if one means to stay faithful, but let's say - they meet someone else and find themselves fallen in love , how is that cheating ? *You would call it an EA, but I don't see it as cheating, unless they go for it and to hell with everything.
> In my opinion developing feelings is not cheating.* Is cheating if you choose to go for it and have a PA, or if you don't go NC and feed the feelings.
> Falling in love doesn't ask us , it just happens.


What does your SO say about the subject of an EA? Does he see "falling in love with" someone else as cheating, regardless of whether genitalia has been touched or not? I think THAT is more telling than anything else, really. If, as a couple, you view an EA as NOT cheating, well, that's your decision AS A COUPLE. However, if one of you says it is, how can you discount what is being said? Emotional infidelity is very real, and very damaging, whether you think it is or not. It damn near destroyed my own marriage...and there was NEVER any chance to meet the APs in person.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Yep ! that's what you're supposed to do. Tell yourself NO, stop from going any further. I too love my H , I'm just looking at the situation hypothetically.
> What about those who already stopped loving their spouses, or those who really have fallen hard for someone else and telling themselves NO doesn't work ? ( I'm thankful I'm not there )
> I'm just saying. *Sometimes an honest exit from the marriage means no chance to R .* It just came in my mind, looking at the bright side of each perspective, reading these threads.


An HONEST exit would be one where there is no one "waiting in the wings"... no emotional attachment to someone else, no plans to hook up with someone in mind right after leaving, etc. An HONEST exit is one where they addressed the issues, found no way to resolve them, and separated...with no outside influence (in the form of a lover/potential lover).


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Wow. Ok, so you just get stuck in a marriage where the feelings are gone, because you took a vow? How selfish is that. I have a life meant to be happy. My spouse has a life meant to be happy. If we no longer "click", we just have to stay in there, because of the vow !
> I have a big problem with that. I'm all against going doing things behind a spouses' back, but if you feel that you would rather do so, let them know and get out.
> I see a lot of one-way, only my-way thinking on this forum...


 If you are not happy in your marrage, you have two choices.

1) Talk to your spouse and try and work things out so you are happy.

2) Leave.

Those are the only two honourable choices. Cheaters think it's okay to have a third choice.

3) Keep stringing along my spouse while I try things out with this OW/OM that I quite fancy, knowing that if it doesn't work out with OW/OM I still have spouse.


It's called cake-eating.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

By the book, all cake-eaters will always rationalize affairs. It's the fog you live in. Soon you'll start a thread that asks BSs if they would like to know why WSs cheat. 

And what is this "they don't click" garbage? How long have you been married? Marriages, They do have their ups and downs. You work them and make them click again.


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