# Married but separated; Didn't go as planned.



## WiscoGuy1207 (May 1, 2017)

This is the first time I have ever done anything like this, but I need an outlet. I am newly married, less than two years and 27 years old. My wife and I have been separated for less than 2 months, initiated by me so we could focus in ourselves and what needed to change to make this marriage work, or so I thought. I came back and expressed I no longer wanted the separation and was greeted with "you did this" and "The grass is greener on the otherside" and your not enough for me and I deserve better etc. You get the point. So we reconcile for a couple days and then put of the blue she comes to me and says I don't want to be with you and move your stuff out. After taking a step back I started to notice some things. She had recently bough new underwear, lingerie, feminine hygiene products that she has never used before. I asked her if she has someone else and had been intimate with anyone and she says no, but all signs point to yes. Am I wrong???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right there and you don't know if she is cheating. How are we supposed to know?

Have done any snooping to find out?

You now know why separations are a really bad idea, you cannot fix a relationship by not being in the relationship. Your wife made a choice based on your walking out on her. It sounds like she was profoundly hurt by you leaving her.

To fix a marriage, you identify the problems and work together to fix them. 

So what were the problems that led you to leave her in the first place? Was there someone else who you were considering at the time?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> separations are a really bad idea


Not always the case... :wink2:

But, in Wisco's situation, It doesn't look good. 

"new underwear, lingerie, feminine hygiene products that she has never used before....all signs point to yes"

Trust your gut. 

Let her go, work on you. Move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DayOne said:


> Not always the case... :wink2:
> 
> But, in Wisco's situation, It doesn't look good.


Most of the time, separation leads to the end of the marriage. Sure, it works sometimes, but most of the time it is just one step towards divorce.
, 


DayOne said:


> "new underwear, lingerie, feminine hygiene products that she has never used before....all signs point to yes"
> 
> Trust your gut.
> 
> Let her go, work on you. Move on.


I’ve read that studies show that men’s gut feels about infidelity is wrong about 50% of the time.

"new underwear, lingerie, feminine hygiene products that she has never used before”.... can also be signs of a woman who has decided to do somethings to make herself feel better. 

I remember when I was really feeling down because of some things my husband was doing, I went out and spent a few hundred dollars on new underwear and lingerie. I just threw out all the stuff I had bought new. I was not cheating. I just needed something to help me feel like I was not yesterday’s news as this is how the situation made me feel. Got a new haircut, got my hair streaked, etc. I did all kinds of make-over stuff… for myself. It helped me.

These things do not automatically mean that she is cheating.

A person could also speculate that the reasons that WiscoGuy1207 walked out on his wife a few months ago was because he was cheating. After all, that is usually why a man suddenly needs to no longer live with his wife.. it’s easier to date another woman if you don’t have to answer to our wife. Jumping to conclusions with almost no information is not a good idea.

It is probably best to help WiscoGuy1207 do some investigation instead of just telling him that it’s 100% sure that she is having an affair.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

We'll just have to see how this plays out then! :smile2:


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Married for two years and separated for 2 months?

Why the need to separate? Surely if you want to work on a marriage you come together talk about what you feel is wrong and the areas you need to strengthen or focus on.

Seems to me you didn't think this through because she indeed started to focus on herself and found maybe she wanted to be by herself (and other dudes)

Surely if the plan was to focus on one's self then if all logic conclusions were taken into account, this scenario would have been one of them?

Also the new underwear and lingerie stuff..and forgive me if I'm going out on a limb but,

Husband asks for separation, wife down in the dumps, wife decides since she's presently not with husband to change it up a little, buy new clothes, underwear, and you do know lingerie is not just for sex yes? Might have made her feel sexier, she goes out gets compliments and she likes it. Job done.

Except for you, because she doesn't need you anymore which sucks, but next time talk things out instead of separating. Just because she doesn't want you doesn't mean she's cheating.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Separation is just a way of lining up the nails along the coffin. They get banged in pretty quickly. 

Many of us feel that separation may as well just be an end to the relationship. If you can't work on fixing things together, they certainly aren't going to get fixed by being apart. 

Get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

You said you separated to work on yourselves, why couldn't you do that in the relationship? It's not what you want to hear, but I think you should have talked to her and tried to work things out while together.

As for the possibility of an affair...you really and simply have 2 options before you: Assume she's having an affair or Assume she is not having an affair. Which is the better, more noble assumption? I think you know the answer. For now, I would go on with things under the assumption she is not. She is looking at being single again in the near future, and the most likely answer is that she bought those things with a future new single life in mind.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, she's having an "affair."
JMO.
But, when you walk out on a woman and leave her in an emotionally traumatized state, what the heck do you think is going to happen when a man shows her emotional support, desire for her that you aren't showing, etc? You abandoned her. Why do you even care anymore?


However, I also agree that if you decided to walk out(make no mistake that is what you did), my suspicions are most definitely that you had another woman you had your eye on. Say it ain't so!

You don't separate from your wife if you love her! It's emotionally abusive, childish, and uncalled for unless cheating or abuse is involved.

You broke her heart, bro! Now she is over you and Durant want it broken again!

I can't blame her.

But yes, she's found herself another man. And it's your fault! Accept it.


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