# Taking a break in a marriage....does it help?



## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

I've posted a couple of different boards. DH and I have been married for 13 years, no kids.

We're in this toxic cycle right now. We are having a huge breakdown in communication.

Anyway, does it help to just take a break in the marriage? I'm on the verge of ending it all, but I'm wondering if taking a break will help or make things worse. He does not want to do marriage counseling. I do go to counseling by myself.

Thanks!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Taking a break is probably not going to help with communication barriers, and so if communication is your big issue, taking a break is probably just a step on the way to divorce.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If he refuses MC, that seems to suggest that he is not willing to work on the marriage at all -- which doesn't bode well.

Taking a break may give you both a needed break from the tension, but I wouldn't count on it solving anything.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RT50 said:


> We're in this *toxic cycle *right now. We are having a *huge breakdown *in communication.
> 
> I'm on the verge of ending it all, but I'm wondering if taking a break will help or make things worse. He does not want to do marriage counseling.


From what you have said, I don't think a break is going to cut it. No way. When things get "toxic" the marriage generally goes kaput.

The best break would be a permanent one. JMO.


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

That's what I was afraid of and what I thought. If we take a break and then get back together we'll be back to square one.

He says marriage counseling won't help us, but how will we know if we don't try? I personally think he's afraid of what the counselor will say once we start airing things out. I've given my side of the situation to the counselor that I'm using and she's told me she's surprised I've stayed as long as I have. 

I know what I need to do for myself (as others have told me on other boards on here), but it's just so hard. I'm taking these small steps, but taking that big leap is very difficult.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

RT, it is difficult indeed. Just keep talking to us, and when you're ready, you'll be ready.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RT50 said:


> I know what I need to do for myself (as others have told me on other boards on here), but it's just so hard. I'm taking these small steps, but taking that big leap is very difficult.


Life is hard. I don't know anyone who hasn't had to take the hard road to get to the other, better side. College was a lot of hard work for me, but I wanted to graduate at the top of my class. Marriage was beyond difficult; it became, as you said, "toxic." 

I, too, took small steps. Then one day I realized that those steps were kinda keeping me stuck. So I took a leap of faith. Was it difficult? He!! yes. But I learned that walking through the jungle up to my a$$ in alligators made me far less fearful.

I think life could turn around and slap me upside the head, and I wouldn't be particularly shaken by it. But I had to do things that were difficult to get beyond the fear.

I wish you well, and I hope you decide to dive into the deep end of the pool someday ... heck, even if you don't know how to swim! Believe me, it WILL be worth it and, surprisingly, you won't drown!


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

I have three threads going on here, so I just want to post an update on each of them. Thank you!

Update: We had a huge breakthrough last night. DH finally confided in me about what's been going on. It was a very emotional night. He has a history of childhood abuse/neglect. We can finally get the help that he needs. Although, I wish he had trusted me with this information sooner, I'm happy that he can slowly begin to heal. I knew it was something. Thank you for all of your support!


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Huumm, I am very curious to know more reasons why your husband doesn't want to seek for some help... You know, A lot of people think that you are sick or something like that when you consult....It's like an insult to your ego to consult for some people....


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

He is going to seek therapy now. He thought he would be able to handle this on his own, but he can't. I'm going to nudge him a long until he goes. We won't be able to move forward until he gets counseling.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

RT50 said:


> That's what I was afraid of and what I thought. If we take a break and then get back together we'll be back to square one.
> 
> He says marriage counseling won't help us, but how will we know if we don't try? I personally think he's afraid of what the counselor will say once we start airing things out. *I've given my side of the situation to the counselor that I'm using and she's told me she's surprised I've stayed as long as I have. *
> 
> I know what I need to do for myself (as others have told me on other boards on here), but it's just so hard. I'm taking these small steps, but taking that big leap is very difficult.


I hope you find a different counselor...this kind of remark seems very counter-productive. Instead of giving you advice to improve your situation it sounds as though she is pushing you toward leaving. NOT the type of marriage counseling I would want or expect from a professional. They aren't paid to take sides but to provide advice in staying together.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you both see the toxicity, and want to change it, then a separation can be beneficial.


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## RT50 (Jan 24, 2012)

I had posted an update earlier this morning. Thanks.


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