# Complete evolution of high school sweethearts. 15 Yrs together and need plan for kids



## faefae (Mar 7, 2013)

So, I'm nervous about reaching out online because I've never done anything like this before, here goes... 
My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I was the trailer trash and he was the rich kid. We both felt like we'd found "the one" when we started out at 15, but I insisted we date other people a little bit while in high school because I was afraid one of us would resent the other if we weren't SURE. We went through high school and college together and had an epic blast. I wouldn't change it for the world. 
Fast forward to 25. I get wedding fever. We had happily made it through college, I was working but unsatisfied with my career choice. He was getting a masters degree in a not so lucrative field. His parents were still supporting us a lot to make up for what I couldn't provide. He had no interest in proposing marriage or moving forward to the next step, but he didn't really have a protest against the idea of being married to me. 
I ended up throwing a terrible series of emotional tantrums (not in my character) because we weren't engaged. By then, we'd been dating for over 10 yrs and we HADN'T openly talked about marriage, which I though was a HUGH MISTAKE. His excuse was that I should wait patiently because he wasn't prepared to pay for an expensive engagement ring yet. Within a few years, I get the ring, I get the wedding. 
Fast forward to 30. I decide to "come out" and speak openly about my desire to have a child, even though I know he isn't ready. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with our marriage and be coy and passive (putting the burden on him). To make things worse, EVERYONE around me is pregnant. All of my friends, celebrities, royals, family. Everyone. It is hard for me. Because we were the high school sweethearts in stable relationship, we were always considered the high water mark for love and relationships. now suddenly, we are behind for the first time in our lives. 
When I first mentioned it to him, he is blindsided and says he always though he would "make it" in his carrer before he had kids. He makes a vague promise to try to get a full time job (so few in this field) and proceeds to pressure me to get to a financially stable place where I am supporting this proposed family.
Today, he felt pressured to apply for a lucrative job, that he didn't want, just to satisfy me. We both knew applications were due months ago, but he applied anyway. We he got the expected "too little too late" replay from the prospective employer, and I was crushed. 
We ended up getting in a terrible argument about whose fault it is that we are not financially stable. It seems like he doesn't care about moving to this next step, just like he didn't care about getting married. 
Financial stability is a huge thing to him. I've changed career paths, and we are both now "paying our dues" our respective industries, waiting for something big to happen. But since I brought up children, the career discussion has turned from supporting ambitions, to a way to blame each other for lack for stability. 
I know you can't pressure someone into having kids or they will rensent it, but what if time is running out and it is exactly the right time to start acting on a plan for kids? He wants to plan on fame and fortune instead...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Get married or get out, you probably waited 6 years too many but now is still not too late.


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## faefae (Mar 7, 2013)

Sorry if the blabbering was too much to wade through, but we did get married. I had to act like a child to get my official vows, but I got them. He was afraid to make that step, afraid it would change too much.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You should ask the moderator to move this to the general relationship forum. You'll get a lot more advice over there.

One the one hand, it is a problem that you've been together that long and he "wasn't ready" to be married. Bigger problem that you forced (and had to force) the issue.

Financial security is a big deal, particularly when you are thinking about having children. If you are under financial stress now, children will amplify it significantly. Also, you don't seem to have talked in too much detail about your future plans. These are things you should have discussed in detail before marriage, especially since you had like 10 years to do that. 

Another red flag (for me anyway) is your comment that he is pressing you to be able to financially support the family and he makes a "vague" promise to get a full time job. You said he was the "rich kid" in school. Sounds like he is used to being taken care of and not worrying about work. That doesn't bode well for your plans.

What does he contribute to your relationship? Forget the money for a minute. After 10+ years with him, what makes you think he is going to change?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

He's a slacker. 



faefae said:


> Fast forward to 25. I get wedding fever.
> 
> *You were dating for 10 years at this point. That's not wedding fever, that's wedding normal.*
> 
> ...


This is a perfect example of why the rich kid from the right side of the tracks is not always the best catch. Given everything growing up, he never learned how to scrape, claw, and fight to get ahead in life.

He lives a reactive life. He waits for others to come along and fix his problems (not that he sees them as problems--if he's getting his needs met *today*, he isn't worried about the future).

In my experience,people like this never grow up and stand on their own two feet. Honestly, I don't have much use (or respect) for them.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I understand this might be an unfair assessment of your husband, given how little I know about him. So, take it with a grain of salt.


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