# My Nice Guy Conundrum



## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm halfway through the book and one thing is repeated over and over again that I have a problem with.
"Share this with a safe person". 
Earlier on in the book it stated you need someone to help you through this change; you can't do it alone. My problem is that I don't have this person. And in my mind, if I did have one, there is no way I would burden him with these problems. They are MY problems to deal with, and unloading them onto someone else doesn't solve anything.

I do however realize that this is textbook Nice Guy stuff, but I don't know how to break it. I plan to read the book to the end, the read it again and do the exercises. (try and do the exercises)

I know I am trapped in a bubble, and I want to break out of it, but I just can't. I can see life on the outside and I want to be part of it. I am wearing a utility belt of tools now, but I am too damn stubborn to reach down and use one to break out.

I won't quit reading though. Something will break and I will be freed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Smoke said:


> I'm halfway through the book and one thing is repeated over and over again that I have a problem with.
> "Share this with a safe person".
> Earlier on in the book it stated you need someone to help you through this change; you can't do it alone. My problem is that I don't have this person. And in my mind, if I did have one, there is no way I would burden him with these problems. They are MY problems to deal with, and unloading them onto someone else doesn't solve anything.
> 
> ...


Share it here


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Share it here


See my "Anonimity" thread in the Social Spot. :smthumbup:


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Smoke said:


> "Share this with a safe person".
> Earlier on in the book it stated you need someone to help you through this change; you can't do it alone. My problem is that I don't have this person. And in my mind, if I did have one, there is no way I would burden him with these problems. They are MY problems to deal with, and unloading them onto someone else doesn't solve anything.
> 
> I do however realize that this is textbook Nice Guy stuff,


Sorry you're struggling with this, and yes, it's textbook NG stuff. Before reading the book and doing the work, I would never have considered opening up to a safe person. Now, I have a few safe guys, and I speak openly with them. They agree with me, or call me on my BS. Yes, these are your problems to deal with, but trust me, it helps to talk about them. 

You need to find a safe person. How about a male family member? Start developing friendships with other guys, and maybe you'll reach the point where you can consider 1-2 of them as safe people.


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

Smoke said:


> ...My problem is that I don't have this person...


The last tool in the "betterman tools" in the book, "Hold on to your N.U.T.s" lists a range of resources where you can go to develop trusting relationships with other men.

If you haven't read it already, you may want to consider checking it out.

Best of luck.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

My wife is of the opinion that I need someone to talk to. She would be very supportive of it. She knows I bottle things up and tend to take it out on her when my bottle fills up. She would rather I deal with things another way.

I am not close with any family members. All other men I know (which is very few) either I don't trust them enough, or they have a mountain of their own issues, and don't need mine.

And a therapist here at $200 buck a pop to listen to me bellyache isn't going to happen either.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Stop making excuses. That is one of the first rules to change.

Pick a hobby. Go on Meetup.com. 

Break the "shy" excuse in half and say hello to people that you see often.

Join a gym. Play a sport. Join a Poker Night. 

One word of caution, just as in other relationships, do not immediately trust your "safe" person. I was friends with a guy for years and confided some stuff in him. First thing the SOB did was blab to his wife. First thing she did was put her spin on it and called my wife. 

Burned like hell.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> Stop making excuses. That is one of the first rules to change.
> 
> Pick a hobby. Go on Meetup.com.
> 
> ...


I have hobbies, but I feel guilty when I spend any time doing them. I can force myself to do them, but how do I force myself to stop feeling guilty about doing them?


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Does your wife make you feel guilty for you partaking in your hobbies?


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

StatusQuo said:


> Does your wife make you feel guilty for you partaking in your hobbies?


Just the opposite in fact. She wants me to do it. But then I feel like it's a trap and I will get blasted later for doing it.


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

Smoke said:


> Just the opposite in fact. She wants me to do it. But then I feel like it's a trap and I will get blasted later for doing it.


I think that's because you may not know who you are without your wife's constant approval. It highlights issues with codependancy and not knowing how to set and enforce boundaries.

Time for you to find and hold on to your N.U.T.s.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Smoke said:


> Just the opposite in fact. She wants me to do it. But then I feel like it's a trap and I will get blasted later for doing it.


Stop feeling guilty then!  you can do this, I have complete faith that you an your wife will be able to make this work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Stop making excuses.

Go and do what you want to do. Make yourself happy.

If you get blasted later, you clearly state that that behavior is unreasonable and too stop it.

Then refuse to argue the point.

DEER

don't 

Defend
Explain
Excuse
Rationalise.

Stop making excuses for not doing something.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Smoke said:


> Just the opposite in fact. She wants me to do it. But then I feel like it's a trap and I will get blasted later for doing it.


My H feels the exact same way. I can't speak for your wife, but most of the time I want him to get away, to take some time for himself. I think he just uses the "it's a trap and I will get blasted" idea to blame me when the real reason he won't do something for himself is that he walks around all day feeling guilty. 

So, do you feel guilty about taking time for yourself? If so, why? Is it b/c nice guys don't do "selfish" things like hang out with the boys? Or b/c you believe you should really be doing something else?

I could be totally off base here. Just putting up ideas for you to consider based on personal experience.


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

One of my biggest rationalizations is that I am a Husband and a Father first. I wanted it, I signed up for it, and now I have a responsibility to do it. That's what kept me in my terrible last marriage for so long. I don't think it's right to ignore my resopnsibilities. If I have free time to do something, I should be spending it with my family. If I wanted to worry about me first all the time, I should have stayed single.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your family requires a strong INDIVIDUAL.

You can remain committed to your family while also maintaining a healthy sense of who you are and what you need.

Sounds like you need to work harder on the 'who you are and what you need' part.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Smoke said:


> One of my biggest rationalizations is that I am a Husband and a Father first. I wanted it, I signed up for it, and now I have a responsibility to do it. That's what kept me in my terrible last marriage for so long. I don't think it's right to ignore my resopnsibilities. If I have free time to do something, I should be spending it with my family. If I wanted to worry about me first all the time, I should have stayed single.


Dude...I thought the same way as you...but now I have a cheating spouse and we are seperated. In part becuase I stayed at home and took care of the kids, and didn't take care of myself. I stopped most of my social activites, stopped going to the gym, just was 100% family guy. You need to value you...if you don't ...she won't, and she will find another. Go out and have guilt free fun.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Smoke said:


> One of my biggest rationalizations is that I am a Husband and a Father first. I wanted it, I signed up for it, and now I have a responsibility to do it. That's what kept me in my terrible last marriage for so long. I don't think it's right to ignore my resopnsibilities. If I have free time to do something, I should be spending it with my family. If I wanted to worry about me first all the time, I should have stayed single.


Dude, don't let the "Nice Guy Marauders" try to influence you into to doing something that feels wrong.

I'm a NICE guy through and through. Wife first, Kids, second, Me third!!

That's how it should be!! If I have free time I want to hang with my family if you don't want to you have to ask why? I have hobbies I do, but devote far more time to my wife and kids then doing them.....exactly how it should be. I take little 3 day trips every couple of months in the sports car by myself, workout a little, but other than that it's me, wife, kids, enjoying life making memories!!

Maybe if you are one of those husbands who says hmmmm "fishing or date night?" ..."Hell I need to man up I want to fish!" then being more selfish is a self fulfilling prophecy.........I would pick date night 99/100 times.

Have the talks, spend the time, put each other first, have awesome sex yes it will ebb and flow, love those kids, live out dreams, vocalize passions, and you guys will be great!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Smoke said:


> One of my biggest rationalizations is that I am a Husband and a Father first. I wanted it, I signed up for it, and now I have a responsibility to do it. That's what kept me in my terrible last marriage for so long. I don't think it's right to ignore my resopnsibilities. If I have free time to do something, I should be spending it with my family. If I wanted to worry about me first all the time, I should have stayed single.


Why not put yourself first as a Man? The better the Man you are, the better the Husband and Father you will be. If you can’t take care of your self you sure as heck can’t take care of anyone else and that includes your family.


Learn to nurture yourself and heal yourself, to keep your body fit and your mind, heart and soul healthy. Keep your personal boundaries healthy. Take care and tend to your inner garden, keep it fresh and free from weeds. Take care of what goes on inside of you for if you can’t do those things for yourself who else can you do them for?


Of course you will compromise and maybe even sacrifice for your family but with your way you are in danger of not looking after yourself, of losing your sense of self. That's easy for a family man to do and it's not the best way to go.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Smoke said:


> One of my biggest rationalizations is that I am a Husband and a Father first. I wanted it, I signed up for it, and now I have a responsibility to do it. That's what kept me in my terrible last marriage for so long. I don't think it's right to ignore my resopnsibilities. If I have free time to do something, I should be spending it with my family. If I wanted to worry about me first all the time, I should have stayed single.


Have you seen the movie Blue Valentine?


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## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm working on the Nice Guy thing and going through the exercises. I need to find the right balance, not pick one over the other.

I have not even heard of Blue Valentine.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Smoke said:


> One of my biggest rationalizations is that I am a Husband and a Father first. I wanted it, I signed up for it, and now I have a responsibility to do it. That's what kept me in my terrible last marriage for so long. I don't think it's right to ignore my resopnsibilities. If I have free time to do something, I should be spending it with my family. If I wanted to worry about me first all the time, I should have stayed single.


Smoke, you don't need to "worry about you first all the time", but you do need to worry about you first SOME of the time. It's a hard thing to do, I get that, as I struggle with the same thing. It's a tough balance, I'm assuming that you work fulltime as well. So when you have "free" time, you want to spend it with your kids and wife. You need to find time to be you though, time when you are enjoying something just for YOU. 

Like I said, I struggle with this myself, so I should probably take my own advice at some point. Very rarely do I do ANYTHING without my hubby and kids in tow, but on those occasions that I do, it makes a world of difference. For me, an afternoon out with a friend makes a world of difference. Sure it's time I could have spent cleaning the house, or chasing the kiddos, but the break is nice. It's deserved and needed. It's a chance for me to stop being "mom" for a few hours and be ME!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Smoke said:


> I'm working on the Nice Guy thing and going through the exercises. I need to find the right balance, not pick one over the other.
> 
> I have not even heard of Blue Valentine.


It's at any Blockbuster location

Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams

Rent it tonight.

You'll understand why when you see it.


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