# Family and Priest are pressuring me not to Divorce, HELP



## AnnMarg (Dec 5, 2016)

I'm 24, married for 2 1/2 years and had dated about 8 months before that. We have no children

About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks and during that period he absolutely went nuts. He complained and blamed for every single thing even the small one (like when he forgot to set his own alarm), spent a lot of money to dined her while complaining about my spending (which is normal as usual) and a lot more things 

I moved out days after dday because he took no responsibility at all and got angry at me and called me too possessive for telling him that it's not ok to date other girl and lie to my face about it. I told my mom, my priest and my bestfriend. My close friend keeps telling me to run but my mom and my priest insist that i must fulfill my sacred vow. I told them that my husband had violated it but they've been saying that as a good person and a good wife i have to forgive him and work on our marriage. Priest specifically told me that 2 wrongs don't make a right, that my husband was 'lost' but since he's being remorseful (i doubt it's heartfelt), i have to guide him back

Now personally, i really want to divorce. I'm religious but i'm not naive, my gut tells me that it wasn't just an EA, it tells me that he won't be a good father to my future children or that anything in the future, if we reconcile, would be any better. I'm close to my family and my church which is why i'm so conflicted.

What should i do ?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

AnnMarg said:


> What should i do ?


You're initial reaction to his gas lighting was handled perfectly. Stick to your guns. Your closest friend is right and your mother and priest are either misguided or more concerned about dogma. The only way you can ever have a successfully happy reconciliation with your husband is if your husband has enough time to see how bad he treated you.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

AnnMarg said:


> I'm 24, married for 2 1/2 years and had dated about 8 months before that. We have no children
> 
> About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks and during that period he absolutely went nuts. He complained and blamed for every single thing even the small one (like when he forgot to set his own alarm), spent a lot of money to dined her while complaining about my spending (which is normal as usual) and a lot more things
> 
> ...


Sorry you've found yourself here under these circumstances.

Well... there's a couple of different ways to look at this:

A) you signed on for life, and vowed through thick and thin... so you're obliged to at least try to find a way to salvage the M.
B) your H's actions broke the marriage covenant, and so you're only married in name anyways. 

What religion are you? Catholic? If so, here's a list of reasons for annulment... I'd think you qualify on Error About Quality of Person and perhaps Fraud if he was already like this, and intentionally hid it...

Why does your mom insist that you stay?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're married less than 3 years and he's already cheating? Leave him. You picked one of those guys who believes it's his right to marry and ALSO have women on the side. That never changes.

Your priest and your mother have their OWN agendas - his, religious; hers, her image in the community. THEY don't have to live your life and you're an adult now; time to do what works for YOU. You can tell him that you won't date for a year, and he'll have a full year of transparency - living apart - and no other women, and then you MAY consider getting back together.


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## AnnMarg (Dec 5, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> Sorry you've found yourself here under these circumstances.
> 
> Well... there's a couple of different ways to look at this:
> 
> ...


Yes Catholic, but annulment after 30 months might be a long shot although the reason was good.

My mom is traditional one, she likes he daughter to be 'taken care' of so she doesn't have to worry about our future. I have a bachelor degree (and not the liberal arts one) but all of the women in my family are housewives. She keeps telling me that i have to be a good wife but how can i be a good wife to a bad husband ? This stuff hurts but they keep undermining it by shoving 'be a good wife' to my face while completely put him as a lost husband who needs help


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Two and 1/2 years plus eight equals 38 months, total.

For Christmas send him a sack with a beautiful silk rope tying it shut.

Inside you put these things:

a) 38 pieces of coal. Paste a number on each one. Leave a note telling what the numbers mean.

b) Every picture that you can find of him and you. Use a magic marker to "X" his image out.

c) A picture of you at some resort in the Florida Keys. You are sitting on a chaise lounge under an umbrella. A good looking man with a tray holding a girly [drink,also with tiny umbrella] is standing in front of you.

d) The note will also say Merry Christmas. 

e) A "PS' will be added saying, I hope you and your new girlfriend enjoy the New Year together. I will enjoy my New Year divorcing you and finding a man who can satisfy me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book: The Dance Of Anger.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

AnnMarg said:


> Yes Catholic, but annulment after 30 months might be a long shot although the reason was good.
> 
> My mom is traditional one, she likes he daughter to be 'taken care' of so she doesn't have to worry about our future. I have a bachelor degree (and not the liberal arts one) but all of the women in my family are housewives. She keeps telling me that i have to be a good wife but how can i be a good wife to a bad husband ? This stuff hurts but they keep undermining it by shoving 'be a good wife' to my face while completely put him as a lost husband who needs help


There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a good wife, or having a H who takes care of you. There is something wrong sitting around while your H is looking for a little fun on the side.

If you think the Church may not grant the annulment, you could always look for some more proof. Length of the marriage shouldn't be an issue, if the criteria for annulment are met. 

If your H was anything but remorseful about his activity, and about you telling him he can't date other women, then I would be filing D. See how he reacts to that. Are you still living separate? 

What did your priest have to say, beyond "trying to show your H the way"? What was his response to your H being unrepentant?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

This is a critical test in your development and process of becoming an adult. As adults we are faced with a host of people with conflicting agendas and advice. But as an adult, you are responsible first to yourself. This level of pressure is a normal thing and you will get used to cutting through it to enable your own voice.

You have discovered issues of character - these are not acts or deeds that "just happened". You are uncomfortable with the idea of spending the rest of your life with this type of person. Your H is not what he represented.

Listen respectfully to you mother and priest. Let them voice their opinion and advice. Don't be defensive - their views are valid from their perspective.

Then TELL them your views and assessment. Don't ask or negotiate. You are not negotiating your values.

Simply say things like "I understand what you're saying but I see things differently." And "I respect and value your opinion but I disagree - I don't believe God wants me to remain in a marriage that is based on a representation of H that is untrue and does not represent his actual character."

Stick to your position and remain respectful. And get a different priest if you need to for an annulment.

Btw I was married in a Catholic Church - W brought a priest and I brought a minister. The Catholic Church has more leeway than many assume




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My hope is that you won't let your mother and priest confuse you. You have clarity regarding your own life. Your instincts are good. They want you to sweep it under the rug with the 'understanding' that your WH was 'broken' enough to not know what he was doing. Given the support he has from your family and the church, he is the opposite of broken - he is entitled. He's like a cat in the cream. He can cheat and have everyone pat him on the head.

You are far too young, in my opinion, to commit your life to an unfaithful spouse simply because some of the people around you expect it of you. Your friend is the only one without a persona agenda here. I would listen to her. This isn't 1950, when the poor wife was simply expected to suck it up. You have a life, too. There are good men out there.

You have no kids. I would run, if I were you.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> This is a critical test in your development and process of becoming an adult. As adults we are faced with a host of people with conflicting agendas and advice. But as an adult, you are responsible first to yourself. This level of pressure is a normal thing and you will get used to cutting through it to enable your own voice.
> 
> You have discovered issues of character - these are not acts or deeds that "just happened". You are uncomfortable with the idea of spending the rest of your life with this type of person. Your H is not what he represented.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The plan, if you want to advocate for D and Annulment, should be to drive home that your Marriage came with a character quality of fidelity and honesty as being understood. Something like "H couldn't make it 3 years without showing that that quality did not exist in his character. In my view there never was a marriage, because he entered into this in bad faith."

Definitely follow TTH's advice. Be firm, resolute, polite, and respectful.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AnnMarg said:


> Yes Catholic, but annulment after 30 months might be a long shot although the reason was good.


I got an Annulment of a 6 year marriage that produced 2 children. Get the divorce, speak to the local Tribunal after the divorce is final and get a referral to a Canon lawyer (many work pro bono if that's an issue) and start the Annulment process. From what you've described here, I can see more than a few possible grounds.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AnnMarg said:


> I'm 24, married for 2 1/2 years and had dated about 8 months before that. We have no children
> 
> About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks and during that period he absolutely went nuts. He complained and blamed for every single thing even the small one (like when he forgot to set his own alarm), spent a lot of money to dined her while complaining about my spending (which is normal as usual) and a lot more things
> 
> ...


The very first thing that you should realize is that he's lying -- it was (and may even still be) a PA.

Second, you might point out to your priest that Christ made specific allowance for divorce where infidelity is concerned.

Third, you're young and have no children.

Divorce this assh*le ASAP.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can both get a civil divorce and pursue getting your short marriage annulled within the church.

The civil divorce will not effect your standing in the church.

Personally, I believe your relationship with God does not require church approval. But your marriage REQUIRES fidelity. Without it? No marriage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AnnMarg said:


> he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks
> 
> What should i do ?


For one thing, you don't *have* to believe him. It's *very* unlikely that a married man would carry on an EA for 6-7 weeks and no sex be involved. If he had the opportunity, you should assume it was a PA.

So if a PA is your deal breaker, think long and hard. Otherwise; how do you forgive him when you don't know what you're forgiving?

The other thing to consider; is him cheating this early in the marriage. How much worse will it be if he does it again when you have children and more years invested in the marriage?

It's your life and your future. Your priest and your mother don't have to live your life if you make the wrong decision.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

AnnMarg said:


> Yes Catholic, *but annulment after 30 months might be a long shot although the reason was good.*
> 
> My mom is traditional one, she likes he daughter to be 'taken care' of so she doesn't have to worry about our future. I have a bachelor degree (and not the liberal arts one) but all of the women in my family are housewives. She keeps telling me that i have to be a good wife but how can i be a good wife to a bad husband ? This stuff hurts but they keep undermining it by shoving 'be a good wife' to my face while completely put him as a lost husband who needs help


my wife got an annulment after 18 years of marriage, so don't worry about the time issue so much. the reasons for it are more important.
and yes, cheating was a primary reason they granted her the annulment.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

run toward your D.

Get it started as soon as you can.

He is not remorseful. Do not let him get you pregnant now. You should get tested for stds.

go see your attorney and get the ball rolling. let her have him. They deserve each other. You will be so much better off without him in your life. You are young and have a long time to get this behind you.

How would he like it if you had an A? (not suggesting that, just he has his head in his ***)

Good riddance to him. hoping next year is much better for you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You're young and have no kids. Dump him now. Don't look back. Your priest will forgive you, your mother will always love you. They'll both get over it in a matter of weeks. Otherwise, you'll be living this nightmare, over and over again, for the rest of your life. He needs a lot of work to get better and he lacks the maturity to even get started. The person who was angry with you is the _real_ him, and is not someone suitable for marriage.

PS: Your gut is correct. As you move through life, when you're dealing with any person you meet, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Full disclosure - I've always been agnostic, and I'm pretty much atheist anymore. I have never understood how someone can actually prioritize their god ahead of their family. Most Abrahamic religions share this self-serving tenet. That's basically what you're being asked to do here - be stuck with a sh!t husband for life because god.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

OnTheRocks said:


> Full disclosure - I've always been agnostic, and I'm pretty much atheist anymore. I have never understood how someone can actually prioritize their god ahead of their family. Most Abrahamic religions share this self-serving tenet. That's basically what you're being asked to do here - be stuck with a sh!t husband for life because god.


It would require a lot more time than I can properly devote here, but it has to do with how you view family.

If family is merely a legal document stating "I'm married" then all it takes is an opposing legal document to sunder it. If family is something more, then you have to define it. Different faiths may have slightly different definitions, but pretty most historically have not agreed that that is an applicable one.

For Catholics, marrying is not something authorized by the State. It is a covenant between a man and a woman, before God, stating that they will and will not do certain things, together, as a single organism, not as 2 separate individuals. You leave your previous families, and forge together a new one. In order to "leave" this behind, stating "I'm unhappy with this!" isn't exactly a defense. You swore an oath, through good and bad, in sickness and health, rich or poor, till death etc. Nowhere in there was "unless I get bored" or "unless my spouse's income goes down" or "unless we argue a lot" "unless we can't conceive" etc. 

It's not merely because of God. It's because you swore an oath. You can remove God from this, and the oath still remains. Now, if your word means nothing to you...

For those having difficulty with this concept: from a philosophical, atheistic point, look at this, and then presume God is a Noble Lie. From there you should be able to get an understanding of what is going on, and the why's of the situation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This is simple. TOTALLY simple. 

Your husband was caught having an affair and said you were unreasonable/possessive/whatever in wanting your HUSBAND to not DATE OTHER WOMEN.

I know there's people that get on this site who, since they're divorced, they want to see everyone else divorced as well.
Be leery of that in my or anyone else's advice. (I'm divorced-- my ex wife cheated).

That said, you can't get much simpler than what I wrote above. According to you, your husband thinks he's entitled to date other women while he's married. You would be a complete idiot for not having him served and actually going through with the divorce, particularly if you want children someday. Even people that actually have morals (your husband doesn't seem to) are hard to stay married to sometimes and rear children together. This guy doesn't even pass muster.

My advice: divorce him. My reason: he has no character and no remorse. 

Your priest is giving you advice based on his rigid belief system. In lots of ways that rigid belief system is right. I do believe that the Good Book grants divorce due to adultery. And whether or not it's physical (it likely is/was), what he did was still adultery. I don't know the mind of God, but I don't think he wants you to suffer under a husband who is adulterous and abusive as a result of his lost feelings toward you.

Your mom? Geez, who freaking knows why she could advise you to stay with a man who is a remorseless cheater. Has she had a history of self-serving, crazy behavior?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AnnMarg said:


> I'm 24, married for 2 1/2 years and had dated about 8 months before that. We have no children
> 
> About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks and during that period he absolutely went nuts. He complained and blamed for every single thing even the small one (like when he forgot to set his own alarm), spent a lot of money to dined her while complaining about my spending (which is normal as usual) and a lot more things
> 
> ...


Ignore your priest.

Get the divorce in the courts. Religious niceties can be dealt with afterwards.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

AnnMarg said:


> I told them that my husband had violated it but they've been saying that as a good person and a good wife i have to forgive him and work on our marriage. Priest specifically told me that 2 wrongs don't make a right, that my husband was 'lost' but since he's being remorseful (i doubt it's heartfelt), i have to guide him back


 Tell the priest that just like he cannot grant forgiveness without a full confession and sincere remorse, neither can you, and that based on what your husband has said to you, your husband has not fully confessed and is not sincerely remorseful.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

TRy said:


> Tell the priest that just like he cannot grant forgiveness without a full confession and sincere remorse, neither can you, and that based on what your husband has said to you, your husband has not fully confessed and is not sincerely remorseful.




He's simply wrong and other priests may differ. You can forgive once he has repented and you are able. That has nothing to do with being married.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

A family went to our very conservative Catholic Church (we have a few in town) for marriage counseling. Actually it was just the wife. And the priest broke up the family and left the priesthood to marry the wife.

Don't assume that a collar conveys anything to a man. Priests are wrong much of the time. 


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce. Listen to this for your own piece of mind - 



 , forgive him, and divorce. Forgive for your own future piece of mind. Joyce Meyer has preached on forgiving, but also removing yourself from harm's way.

Also, how the EFF does a Catholic priest understand how it is to have a intimate sexual relationship with someone, and then feel the heartbreak when you find out your SO was breaking the wedding vows with someone else.

I am usually pro-marriage, but unless your husband in a snot flying snivelling mess BEGGING for another chance and showing true repentance, be thankful you he showed you his true colors and move on.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@TRy, good one. Divorce itself is not a sin, adultery is. Since the RCC recognizes only annulment as the releasing of Vows and intimacy with a third party is adultery. Ask your priest who to speak to about the annulment at the cardinals office (there is a staff there and maybe one at the bishops as well). 

Understand Cluster B and BPD are grounds for annulment. See @Uptowns posts for additional info. 

DO NOT LET THE PRIEST BULLY YOU INTO A FLAWED AND DEFECTIVE MARRIAGE ! All the concern about redemption for the sinner, but perhaps if they had payed more attention to the victims there would have been a lot less CSA victims.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> It would require a lot more time than I can properly devote here, but it has to do with how you view family.
> 
> If family is merely a legal document stating "I'm married" then all it takes is an opposing legal document to sunder it. If family is something more, then you have to define it. Different faiths may have slightly different definitions, but pretty most historically have not agreed that that is an applicable one.
> 
> ...


Just as family is composed of individual organisms comprising a group, a marriage is not in itself an organism. It is a legally binding philosophical construct. The OP and her WH very much *are* two individual and separate organisms that made an oath to join and _act_ as one within (and upholding) the vows that make that construct a single entity to the rest of the world. 

When one of those organisms breaks their oath, they've broken what it is that defines that marriage as singular. And it remains solely at the discretion of the offended as to whether or not the marriage can or should be mended to appear as one again.

People don't marry their Gods and/or their governments. Both have never been more than witnesses and/or arbitrators. In this case however, the weight that one gives the former is solely at the discretion of the individual.

I'll step off my soapbox/pulpit now.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

AnnMarg said:


> Yes Catholic, but annulment after 30 months might be a long shot although the reason was good.
> 
> My mom is traditional one, she likes he daughter to be 'taken care' of so she doesn't have to worry about our future. I have a bachelor degree (and not the liberal arts one) but all of the women in my family are housewives. She keeps telling me that i have to be a good wife but how can i be a good wife to a bad husband ? This stuff hurts but they keep undermining it by shoving 'be a good wife' to my face while completely put him as a lost husband who needs help



Stop trying to live other peoples' lives. And don't let them live yours.

This kind of thing is exactly why "straightjacket" [dogmatic] religion is Bad.

The chances of you improving things is tiny.
The chances for you to constantly chaff under trying to get the marriage to work, while you both constantly emotionally bunt into each other is huge.

If you do fold under what the priest and mother say, then the next thing they will do is come down on you for "being judgemental" and "not forgiving" your husband. and you'll be expected to bow down and internalise all the c..p and that isn't good for your inner self. Rather than getting to say "I make good choices and I can trust my own judgement", you're going to have to continually lie to yourself and tell yourself your opinion and feelings aren't as valid as your mother/priests/everyone else. If you don't "downgrade" your value internally, the dual values will destroy you mentally.

Such things -can- work when socially that's the only option. Back when a woman needed a man to sign papers, handle money, and the church ran everything. It worked because everyone had to mentally cripple themselves to obey. Fortunately, many parts of the world such environment no longer exists, and there is no reason to bow down just to survive.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> This is simple. TOTALLY simple.
> 
> Your husband was caught having an affair and said you were unreasonable/possessive/whatever in wanting your HUSBAND to not DATE OTHER WOMEN.
> 
> I know there's people that get on this site who, since they're divorced, they want to see everyone else divorced as well.


Not at all.
What many of us do know, is that life is too short to be lived in false R. That in most cases the pain and distrust hangs over the relationship for decades and makes every day a battle.

That putting up with a disrespectful spouse/partner for 1,3, 5+ years "working at making it work" just to have them walk out "because things aren't the way they were when I was in love with you" simply isn't worth the pain. Best to separate, and have 1,3,5+ years to spent time with someone who cares about you without the baggage - and the sooner you break, the less time you will spend missing them, and the easy the scars will be to get over.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

AnnMarg said:


> I'm 24, married for 2 1/2 years and had dated about 8 months before that. We have no children
> 
> About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks and during that period he absolutely went nuts. He complained and blamed for every single thing even the small one (like when he forgot to set his own alarm), spent a lot of money to dined her while complaining about my spending (which is normal as usual) and a lot more things
> 
> ...


Stay if you love him and want to see if their can be a reconciliation.

Leave if you don't love him and see a reconciliation possible.

Your family and priest don't have to live with him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AnnMarg said:


> I'm 24, married for 2 1/2 years and had dated about 8 months before that. We have no children
> 
> About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him. The EA had been happening for 6-7 weeks and during that period he absolutely went nuts. He complained and blamed for every single thing even the small one (like when he forgot to set his own alarm), spent a lot of money to dined her while complaining about my spending (which is normal as usual) and a lot more things
> 
> ...


YOur feelings are absolutely right. You are newly married and your WH should be in the 'in love' stage and not messing around with another woman.
Your mother and priest do not know the bible very well. I am apalled at their response but it is quite typical of some religious institutions and they put the whole responsibility on the BS. Stick to your guns and go ahead and divorce. The bible is very clear

Matthew 5:32 ESV 

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. 
God knew the devastation of adultery on a marriage and made a way out to divorce under those circumstances.

Do what is best for you, if he is still gas lighting and treating you badly, he is in the affair fog, blow up his world and do the following

1. go see a lawyer and see advice on what you should do
2. do the 180 on him
3. tell his family and friends what he has done but if they are like your family then not much use
4. Do you know who the girl is, blow up her world and tell her bf and or her family and anyone who will listen.

Unfortunately your WH is not ready for marriage and lacks maturity and respect for you.
Set him and yourself free.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tatsuhiko said:


> You're young and have no kids. Dump him now. Don't look back. Your priest will forgive you, your mother will always love you. They'll both get over it in a matter of weeks. Otherwise, you'll be living this nightmare, over and over again, for the rest of your life. He needs a lot of work to get better and he lacks the maturity to even get started. The person who was angry with you is the _real_ him, and is not someone suitable for marriage.
> 
> PS: Your gut is correct. As you move through life, when you're dealing with any person you meet, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.



The other thing to remember here is that if you stay with him, become bitter and it shows, these same people -- your priest and your mother, et al -- will then vilify you for being bitter.

And your mother may -- as my mother has done over the decades -- put me down for defending myself how ever so in social situations -- but then applauding someone else who has done so. Ergo, you may find after staying with cheating husband, your mother talking some other good Catholic that she and maybe you know "who was smart and knew she needed to get out there"........ doing exactly the thing that she hopes you won't do.

Don't let the above scenario happen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This isn't about religion. A man like this that thinks he is entitled to date other women while married, and calls his wife "overly possessive" for doing so----- I have serious doubts whether this man attends church with OP. If he does, he's not listening or not learning much.

I think it's pretty standard that anyone "normal" knows you can't date other women while you're married. During his "dating" episode, he was irritable and showed his wife he didn't value her.
This is in the first few years of marriage---BEFORE children.

People that do these things and are UNREMORSEFUL........... They are NOT marriage material.
As some other posters have said, if OP waits and has children with this man and actually builds a life with him, it will be a nightmare when she has to divorce at that time. We know, because a lot of us went through it.

The mother and the priest have no business saying anything other than "pray and ask God to direct you in this decision". They should have enough life experience to know that a man at this age that's already showing his adultery feathers is NOT a man that can lead his family and provide a stable, caring, happy future. This guy is a black cloud that will rain down on anyone near him. I say that for one reason: OP has said he has had an "emotional" affair with another woman and treated her differently. I believe that is the gravest of errors that a husband can make. If he was remorseful, he would show it and OP would likely describe his remorse. What OP has described does NOT resemble a remorseful husband.

Divorce and never look back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ann, kind of a side note, but I'll tell you what I told my own daughter. High school is for having fun, nothing serious; odds are HUGE that any guy you're with in high school, you won't stay with because you're still growing up and don't even know who you are yet. 

College is for trying on relationships to see what kind of personality you're a good fit with. But, again, not getting too serious with; who knows where each of you will end up getting a career? And who has to make the sacrifice to move to where the other person's job is? Odds are, it will be the woman having to give up HER dream if you're married or engaged by now.

After college is when you start looking for serious partners, but don't be in a hurry; the brain doesn't stop growing and changing until around age 25; who you think you are at 20 will be different from who you are at 25; and who you are at 25 will be different from who you are at 28. Do you see how you can pick someone incompatible before this?

And don't get serious or engaged without first living by yourself, ON YOUR OWN, so that you experience what being a grown woman who doesn't need anyone to support her is like. That way, when you DO get married, you won't NEED him. You'll want him, but you'll survive without him if he turns out to be a mistake, and you won't be so codependent that you're unable to leave.

My daughter's 26 and she just now got engaged. And she's in no hurry to get married - she's too busy with her Masters degree. Do you see how she's not putting 'having a man' ahead of her own self worth and needs? You can do that, too. Take some time to learn to be ok as an independent woman - free from expectations from him, your family, even your priest. YOU are the only person who is capable of putting you first.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your mom telling you to be a good wife is insulting. You were a good wife and look where it got you - betrayed. By that reasoning, your course of action would be to become the biggest b!tch he has ever imagined and see if that increases his tendency toward monogamy. I'm sure your mom means well. But, she isn't you and has no right to force her self-validating ideas down your throat. You can't reconcile with a person who holds no remorse. And, don't confuse regret with remorse.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Speak to your priest and FORMALLY REQUEST that he begin the annulment process on the ground of infidelity. He is compelled to put the paper in with the Diocese. His personal opinion does not matter. 

If you are close with the priest, inform him that your husband is neither repentant or remorseful and his confession is invalid. The priest, if he is "by the book" kind he is required to withhold absolution. If he is a strict old-school kind, he will even withhold communion. This is what a good Catholic wife would do to bring the "lost" husband back to Jesus.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Matthew 19:8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Remind him that in the old testament your husband would have been stoned and dead, so you are giving him a fair deal based on mercy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband was dating another woman and most likely having a physical affair with her. Your mother and your priest have an agenda -- keeping your marriage together. I grew up in a heavily Catholic area in the South. My great-grandfather's family was Catholic but he married a Protestant and left the Church -- huge scandal for that time -- but most people I knew were Catholic. I never knew a priest who counseled divorce. They all supported keeping marriages together -- under all circumstances. Hopefully things have changed at least a little in that regard. 

This is obviously your life and not your mother's or your priest's. You are the one to decide what you want. But you can expect push-back and plenty of it if you do want out so you'll need to be strong to resist that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You guys keep quoting the Bible. Waste of time.

Catholic dogma doesn't care about the Bible or the Word of God. Catholic dogma is about controlling it's members' lives and keeping them under the church's thumb.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Tell them that they can KEEP your husband - move on with your life.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

"We are obliged to yield many things to the Papists--that with them is the Word of God, which we received from them; otherwise we should have known nothing at all about it."- Martin Luther



bandit.45 said:


> You guys keep quoting the Bible. Waste of time.
> 
> Catholic dogma doesn't care about the Bible or the Word of God. Catholic dogma is about controlling it's members' lives and keeping them under the church's thumb.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

KillerClown said:


> "We are obliged to yield many things to the Papists--that with them is the Word of God, which we received from them; otherwise we should have known nothing at all about it."- Martin Luther




Absolutely. Which is why the masses should not be allowed to read the Bible as was tradition in the Catholic Church because the laity could not be trusted to interpret the sacred texts. 

And that's why it's important to decorate the building with the stories of the Bible because the people can't be allowed to read it. 

And it's important to only perform the mass in Latin facing the alter with the priests back to the congregation.

The key is to maintain political power and control - as the church was the center of power after all - and differences of opinion just muddy the water and causes conflict.

And of course to maintain the power and position in society, it's ok to sell indulgences - forgiveness in advance for future sin - so the wealthy can continue to sin and the church remains well funded.

Yes it's very important to yield to the political power of The Church.

Wait - didn't Martin Luther get kind of pissed at the church for its corrupt ways? As he was living the life of a monk, self flagellating? Hmmmm


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You image of the Catholic Church is a caricature. Have you been to a Catholic Mass?



TheTruthHurts said:


> Absolutely. Which is why the masses should not be allowed to read the Bible as was tradition in the Catholic Church because the laity could not be trusted to interpret the sacred texts.
> 
> And that's why it's important to decorate the building with the stories of the Bible because the people can't be allowed to read it.
> 
> ...


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

AnnMarg, I've always thought that faith should guide one's life, not dictate it. I believe that's what most of the posters are saying here as well.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

There is no need for the Catholic bashing in this thread. We all know there are many many Protestant pastors and secular counselors who would give OP the same advice her priest gave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not to the extent of the Catholics. BTDT.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

@AnnMarg

If you come back to this thread, I hope you ignore the strange need some people have to attack a religion with which they are likely ill-equipped to discuss.

I don't think this is a crisis of faith type of situation for you, or at least it need not be. Priests are fallible. He can easily provide the wrong advice in this. 

If you want to discuss this from a position of Faith, I'd be glad to. I was raised Catholic. I spent most of my childhood in, and graduated from Catholic schools. You will find empathy here. 

Feel free to PM me, or to respond in this thread.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Popcorn2015 said:


> There is no need for the Catholic bashing in this thread. We all know there are many many Protestant pastors and secular counselors who would give OP the same advice her priest gave.


I totally agree. And most of the time that is due to their own disobedience and selfish motives.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Spencer Tracy, the famous actor, left his wife Louise and kids for Katherine Hepburn in 1942; but he never divorced his wife because he was a devout Catholic and his beliefs forbade him from divorcing. So he and his wife were separated from 1942 until he died in 1967, while he conjugated with Hepburn. 

Prior to hooking up with Hepburn, he cheated on his wife with actresses Ingrid Bergman, Myrna Loy, and Loretta Young. 

Yeah...Tracy was a real pious Catholic. I guess as long as he was making it to confession once a week and paying for absolution, everything was just hunky dory. Oh...and the son he left behind was blind and partially paralyzed, and he left the care of the boy completely to Louise. 

And he was a sh!t actor on top of it all. 

Louise made lemonade out of lemons and went on to found a famous California school for the deaf named after her son. At least she was able to do something positive with the crap sandwich she had been served.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

KillerClown said:


> You image of the Catholic Church is a caricature. Have you been to a Catholic Mass?




It's historically accurate and far from Catholic bashing. It's a response to an archaic Martin Luther quote and contemporaneous to it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KillerClown said:


> You image of the Catholic Church is a caricature. Have you been to a Catholic Mass?


I have. I've also lived the life of the 'escapee' - the Lutheran. 

I've studied religion extensively. And there is no more closely protected - and less open-minded - religion in the western hemisphere than the Catholic religion. Quakers come close.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> I have. I've also lived the life of the 'escapee' - the Lutheran.
> 
> I've studied religion extensively. And there is no more closely protected - and less open-minded - religion in the western hemisphere than the Catholic religion. Quakers come close.


I will lump Islam in with those.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AnnMarg said:


> About 2 months ago i discovered that husband had been cheating on me, he said that it was only "friendship" but after i pressed on it, it looked more like EA. There's no proof on PA so i guess i have to believe him.


Wrong. Assume the worst unless he can prove otherwise.

Men aren't looking for emotional tampoons. They want to get laid.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Surpisingly,
The Catholic OP is not coming back to post. I don't know why she wouldn't want to participate in the complete and utter disrespect for her religious views that has been posted here.

The Catholic church has nothing to do with this woman's problem. The overly submissive reaction to her priest's suggestion to remain married to a remorseless cheater is the problem.

If OP comes back to her thread, I hope she will accept the suggestion that she needs to take care of herself and not rely on others to make massively important decisions in her life. 
A loyal woman or man in a marriage doesn't normally jump to divorce unless there are some bad gut feelings in their mind that something is terribly amiss. I think the priest is discounting the fact that the OP is really quite certain in her mind that this affair was physical, because she is trying to whitewash what her husband did in order to try and live with his infidelity. She doesn't want to divorce. And yet it's on her mind. 
I think it should be, because her cheating husband is showing all the signs that the cheating has JUST BEGUN, and will CONTINUE in the future because he places no value on his wife. Likely thinks that she won't divorce him for the very reasons she's stated. He's taking full advantage.


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## josephddiazz (Sep 20, 2016)

I agree, you should stick to your guns.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@AnnMarg a lot of people reacted negatively to some of the church and religious posts, but they were made (at least mine were) to provide you with context on your faith and the position a priest plays.

The Catholic Church has a legalistic framework and many of the aspects of faith are not directly in the Bible but are based on institutional decisions that an organization that large and that old accumulates. Many are also decisions by - literally - the man at the head of the church. To create cohesion and resolve religious disputes, the Pope has the legal (and many would say God given and God inspired) right to "decide" what the Bible means. These are the "articles of faith" and they can not be opposed once decided. Among them are the declaration that Mary was a virgin. Issues such as vows of poverty were hugely political in the church (many priests believed all clergy should emulate Jesus through poverty and many others opposed that idea) and that gave rise to certain institutional teachings. My point is it is very hard to separate biblical truths from institutional edicts.

Many church goers are unaware of the difference between biblical teaching and those of the institution.

You should be guided by your values and beliefs before your church teachings IMO. If you are a good person brought up with good character, you likely possess many aspects in your beliefs that are biblical.

Marriage itself is an institution that commingled faith, social history and legal history. I'm not a theologian so I won't opine on what it exactly means to be married in the eyes of God. But I am very aware of the fact that the Catholic Church, the Bible and Christian religions all have constraints on the institution of marriage. Those definitely include various terms that colloquially can be called "cheating" and "betrayal" or "deception". I won't argue the semantics, but i assure you, many self-professed "good Catholics" would support you if you feel the marriage has been broken by your H.

Follow your heart here and take care of yourself. You will do more good in the world if you are in a happy, nurturing and loving marriage. You should not settle for less. And you should not accept shame from others if they believe otherwise.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> Full disclosure - I've always been agnostic, and I'm pretty much atheist anymore. I have never understood how someone can actually prioritize their god ahead of their family. Most Abrahamic religions share this self-serving tenet. That's basically what you're being asked to do here - be stuck with a sh!t husband for life because god.


I would agree with this but change the word "god" to "religion". Because honestly I don't think any God would condemn anyone to a life of misery just because they made the mistake of marrying someone like that. Religion is first and foremost about control, they just use God as the excuse.

OP, follow your own conscience and do what is best for you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

just like engineers, if you talk to 10 engineers, you may get 10 different answers.
(or at least variations of them).

just because one priest or pastor says something, you don't stop there.

i remember long ago, when we were kids, my parents were having problems with my rebel sister.
so they went to council with a psychiatrist. you know what he told them? "engineers make bad fathers".
is that necessarily an indictment of the psychiatric profession?
every profession has it's b.s. 

likewise, you talk to a number of priests, you may get different answers from each one. 
they will probably all discourage divorce initially, but the better ones will
give you options you can pursue.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> just like engineers, if you talk to 10 engineers, you may get 10 different answers.
> 
> (or at least variations of them).
> 
> ...




Ha ha that's pretty funny and horrible at the same time.


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## heartbroken_ (Dec 4, 2016)

AnnMarg said:


> Now personally, i really want to divorce. I'm religious but i'm not naive, my gut tells me that it wasn't just an EA, it tells me that he won't be a good father to my future children or that anything in the future, if we reconcile, would be any better. I'm close to my family and my church which is why i'm so conflicted.
> 
> What should i do ?


Its been one month since D-Day for me and what I really learnt after the truth was revealed was to TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!!! I didn't listen to mine and after I learnt of everything, my gut was right since day 1!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Priests are human. God is divine. I would pray and seek the Lords will. I am Baptist, and I believe marriage is forever unless adultery is committed. Being Christian is not easy as televangelist would have you believe. I do know God wants you to be happy.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Wrong post, sorry!


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