# Um, Maybe I should have posted here? See I am confused!



## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Not sure what I'm looking for exactly, hopefully just support and advice from those who have been through this or are going through this...

I've been married almost 15 years, and have 3 wonderful children. A year ago this weekend I found out that my husband had cheated on me. I say cheated, he says tempted. Whatever it was, I lost trust. Again. 

See, our marriage was a mess prior to that. Two years ago after a blow out fight my husband yelled "I've been trying to get you to divorce me for three years". He has an impeccable way of making me feel crazy, like I didn't notice things, or that the issues WE were having are somehow my fault.

After this fight, I began counseling. I knew that our fight had hurt, but hadn't realized what I was reeling from was 13 years of emotional and verbal abuse. I've been called the most horrific names by him, and yes, in front of the kids. I've been criticized, put down, belittled, and on one occasion he even locked me in the basement. I'm a social worker, and never thought it was abuse because it never got physical. 

Learning and changing from counseling, my husband doesn't like it, of course. I've learned about power and control, and he isn't so obvious. He isn't the type who will say "you can't go out with your friends" but he will sabotage a situation so that I can't go; or make me feel guilty about missing something or spending money that I won't go. I also never realized that we moved out of state a few years ago was to isolate me, and keep me away from my family. I see it all differently now.

My husband finally went to counseling a year ago, after I gave him the ultimatum. Go to counseling, or get out. He has been sleeping in the basement since then. He went to counseling, for only 8 sessions. We attempted couples counseling, but he refused to go back. We seperated in September after I realized that he really wasn't willing to work on on his problems.

In October, he had been kicked out of his parents house and asked if he could spend the night. He came back and slept on the couch. Guess what? Yup, he wouldn't leave. We did make some progress during this time, but he still wasn't willing to work on his problems, although he didn't lose his cool on me or show his temper. However, he withdrew. In November, he got kicked out of the hockey rink where he coaches, not just the game, not just the stands, but the rink. He unleashed on the ref's, and got suspended from work for verbal abuse. He still won't work on it with any professionals.

In December we talked about where we are going, and agreed that he would most likely move out and seperate, when he could get housing in May. A week later I learned that he opened his own checking acct., and moved his direct deposit to that. I depend on his income to pay the household bills (yes, I work too). This really upset me. It felt really sneaky, and I felt really betrayed. A few days later he moved out.

I met with an attorney on Tuesday. I'm ready to file, but emotionally I'm still torn. I married for life. Good, bad, the ugly. My parents were married for 42 years before my mom passed, and his parents are married over 40 years too. I don't give up easily.

Any advice, support, suggestions? Thanks...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Cheated, done the counseling thing, separated and then moved back...secretly isolated you from income you depended upon, then suddenly moved out while saying he couldn't move until May...

act fast and act aggressivly...protect yourself...

emotionally, you can heal, it will take time...finacially, it will take longer to fix things if you aren't aggressive now...go for it!


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I think if he's yelling at you and calling you names in front of the kids, not to mention locking you in the basement for goodness sake, then staying together for the children is not a valid excuse.

You say you're torn, but you story doesn't give any reasons to want to stay with him. What are your hesitations? You two are teaching your kids indirectly relationship and marriage skills. They're observing you and if they're younger than 15, probably assuming this is normal relationship behavior. I know you don't want that lesson being taught to your children. I think if a husband and wife are a good parenting team, they're not fighting in front of the kids or putting each other down, and there's no abuse, then staying together for the kids should be considered. But in your case, this atmosphere is probably worse for them than having at least one happy, divorced parent.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Hmmm, good question. Why have I stayed, or what am I waiting for. That is a question I ask myself often. I think I'm scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, other than, and this is going to sound so weird...but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I hate hurting people, that is the stuff I'm working on in counseling. 

That, and I need a hefty amount for a retainer...


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

I can understand that. I'm the same. I'm a conflict avoider that will bend over backwards to please everyone but myself. But someone's going to get hurt in this case. Either you and the kids or your husband.

I know it's a tough first step, but I think in some cases divorce is really the best option. I think you know what needs to be done, you're just scared and it's easier to not do anything and endure the situation longer. Part of being a good parent is being able to make tough decisions.


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