# Should I get back at boyfriend some how?



## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

*Should I get back at wife's boyfriend somehow?*

1st of all I have to say that I haven't been Mr perfect in this relationship. I struggled with porn addition years back that she had found out about and after that I had checked out of the emotional needs of my wife by watching too much TV and Sports. I realize now that the reason for both of these behaviors and for her behavior on the EA is all the same - we were not giving ourselves 100% to the other person like a husband and wife are suppose to! I have never been abusive to her. We did do a lot of growing apart and sometimes we were more like room mates. Though through everything I have always loved her. 

About 4 months ago she told me she was going to take the kid and move out to her parents. I did not see it coming. What I did do is get her to agree to give it one last try before she moved out. I found out about a week later that my wife of 21 years was having at least an emotional affair on FB and also phone calls with a old boyfriend who is also married. I told her that this needed to stop immediatly after much crying she finnally agreed and said she ended it. She was not willing to share any details of ending it. He lives about 4 hours away and I know they saw each other at least twice - both times with other people around. She only admits to things when I have proof and she never gives anything more than what I have already found out. Which led me to doing a lot of PI work. I know enough of what she said to know that she was really emotionally in love with him. I do not know any of what he said. He is her Aunt's brother so it is some what complicated. She said she would stop talking to him 3 months ago but I caught her creating a new FB account that I didn't know about a month ago. She told me that she needed her freedom and that she felt she should be able to do what she wants. I told her that that was fine but I thought we owed to ourselves, our children, and our marriage to seriously try one more time to make us work and keep the outside influences out of it and then if it doesn't work she can do whatever she wants, and if she didn't want to do that it was most likely over now. She shut it down after that and says she really going to try. It has been going pretty well since then. We have been seeing a great christian marriage coach who is helping us to focus on what we need to do going forward instead of stirring up all the bad issues like some MCs do. The one thing I am really struggling with is that I want to do something really bad to the guy she was cheating with. Another thing is I am quite sure that they are still, (even if no contact is being made) still are on very good terms so the door is always open. What are some things that people do that work or would have good results? I have his address, phone number, FB page and his wife's FB page that I could message. I also thought about just seeing if his wife would accept me as one of her FB friends and go no further than that just so her cheating husband would see it and be worried.
My Questions Are - 
1. Any thoughts on the whole situation? 
2. Any advice from someone who really knows or that would really try to care?
3. What about trying to do something with the contact info I have?
4. I am really not happy that the boyfriend and my wife's relationship status is on good terms I would really like to squash that, any ideas?
5. I am trying to give 100% to my marriage, what are things as a husband or as a wife you have done or your that husband has done that really make a difference, (that a husband can do) in the relationship?

Please feel free to just answer or comment on just 1 or some of these questions or any part of the situation you can. I would really like any real serious feedback that can help me to make some good decisions. - Thank you


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The main thing here is getting your wife back, not so much getting back at the OM.
If she has recommited to you and you find no other evidence of there contact then I suggest dropping it. The last thing you want is OM going to your W about this. If W has no contact with OM, then you should have NC with OM.

BUT

If they are still in contact I highly suggest that you expose the affair to OM wife and confront the OM. The main thing is to stop all contact with OM and to make it as dificult as possible to continue.


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## Big J (Feb 2, 2011)

Getting even is just piling negative upon negative. Nothing good can come from that. You need some focus. Channel your thoughts into healing your relationship and making it a success. Follow through with your counseling and perhaps, in private, let your counselor know about this "getting even" thing and see what they have to say about it.
I know it is not easy, but do your best to rise up and go above and beyond by being the best "you" that you can be. Make this a new place to start and leave that hatefulness you are feeling behind you. If you are being the best "you" possible, most likely your wife will see that and be more impressed and interested in you than ever before. They other guy will fall off her radar as a result.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you want to "do something bad" to the other guy? To punish him, or to make sure it doesn't happen again?

If you follow some of the other threads, there's lots of advice on putting barriers up to try to prevent things from flaring up again. Getting your wife to fully close things off (the "no contact" letter) might be an idea. And if he knows that you're aware of where things are at, and there's a threat of being exposed if he persists, it might be more useful than firing that shot now. If your goal is trying to make sure this doesn't happen again, the threat might be more useful than the punishment. If your goal is punishment, simply addressing a regular letter to his wife with the details of what you know (and maybe your contact info if she has questions) would probably work as well as anything. I personally don't accept FB requests from people I don't know.

C


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

I did tell her when I told her to stop the contact the 1st time that I would do something as far as contacting the boyfriend or whatever I could think of if I found out that the contact was continuing. After I caught her contacting him again I still have not done anything. She has gotten really upset when I have told her that I would like to talk to him. I also know she would not like me talking to his wife. I do think that if his wife knew he was having an EA she would straiten him out. I have thought about creating a fake FB account of some cute lady and seeing if I could get him to have a EA with her and then expose that to his wife and my wife without ever letting anyone know that this person is fictional. I would really like to hurt him in every way possible.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

There is no need to set up a fake account, be open contact his wife and let her know of the affair , his wife keeping a eye on him helps you. If your wife finds out then you know they are still in contact. Telling his wife is not revenge it is done to protect your marriage, if he thinks he can get away with having an affair with your wife there is no incentive to stop him renewing it in the future. You do not disclose your plan to your wife nor do you tell her after you have exposed to the OM 's wife, if she does find out you say you are protecting your marriage against an adulterous affair based on lies and deceit.

You may feel satisfied after the exposure, if your wife says you did this out of revenge you stick to the message that you are protecting your marriage.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

PBear said:


> Why do you want to "do something bad" to the other guy? To punish him, or to make sure it doesn't happen again?
> 
> If you follow some of the other threads, there's lots of advice on putting barriers up to try to prevent things from flaring up again. Getting your wife to fully close things off (the "no contact" letter) might be an idea. And if he knows that you're aware of where things are at, and there's a threat of being exposed if he persists, it might be more useful than firing that shot now. If your goal is trying to make sure this doesn't happen again, the threat might be more useful than the punishment. If your goal is punishment, simply addressing a regular letter to his wife with the details of what you know (and maybe your contact info if she has questions) would probably work as well as anything. I personally don't accept FB requests from people I don't know.
> 
> C


Yes to both, punish him and also to make sure it never happens again. I do not think my wife would write a no contact letter and I am reluctant to tell the wife because I do not want it to get back to my wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thought is if your wife wants to have an affair, she's going to have an affair. There's not much you can do to actually stop it from happening. They'll just go deeper underground, hiding their tracks better. If you shut down this guy by exposing it, she can just find another. 

Why don't you want your wife to know? Geez, she's the one that made the choice to step outside the marriage. If she's serious about making things work at home, she should be doing WHATEVER it takes to make that happen and rebuild the trust and relationship with you. If that means having you parked at the curb as she walks a "no contact" letter (that you've read and approved) to the guy and hand it to him, then that's what she needs to do. If it means handing over all her passwords and installing a key-logger program on the computer, then that's what it means. If she's NOT willing to become open and transparent with you, then there's a reason for that. Either she's serious about fixing things, or she's not. And you might as well find out where she sits now.

Just my $0.02...

C


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

PBear said:


> My thought is if your wife wants to have an affair, she's going to have an affair. There's not much you can do to actually stop it from happening. They'll just go deeper underground, hiding their tracks better. If you shut down this guy by exposing it, she can just find another.
> 
> Why don't you want your wife to know? Geez, she's the one that made the choice to step outside the marriage. If she's serious about making things work at home, she should be doing WHATEVER it takes to make that happen and rebuild the trust and relationship with you. If that means having you parked at the curb as she walks a "no contact" letter (that you've read and approved) to the guy and hand it to him, then that's what she needs to do. If it means handing over all her passwords and installing a key-logger program on the computer, then that's what it means. If she's NOT willing to become open and transparent with you, then there's a reason for that. Either she's serious about fixing things, or she's not. And you might as well find out where she sits now.
> 
> ...


Ya, I know. It really is just a matter of trust and commitment.
Things with us have seemed to turned a corner so I should be able to just let it go, but the anger over the whole thing is still there and right now it is all still focused on him. I think that I still will have to deal with it concerning my wife's responsibility in it but right now I can't because I have to try to fix our marriage. I also am having a hard time forgiving myself for letting our relationship get to a place where she felt like she needed to get whatever from someone else. I realize that it would be good to forgive him. I have thought about having a text phone conversation with him were have things I wanted to say already prepared to try to help resolve some of the issues I have with him. Hurting him in some way or any many ways still sound really good to me though.


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

Big J said:


> Getting even is just piling negative upon negative. Nothing good can come from that. You need some focus. Channel your thoughts into healing your relationship and making it a success. Follow through with your counseling and perhaps, in private, let your counselor know about this "getting even" thing and see what they have to say about it.
> I know it is not easy, but do your best to rise up and go above and beyond by being the best "you" that you can be. Make this a new place to start and leave that hatefulness you are feeling behind you. If you are being the best "you" possible, most likely your wife will see that and be more impressed and interested in you than ever before. They other guy will fall off her radar as a result.


I think you are right for the most part that is what seems to be happening. At some point down the road however there will be a family gathering with her aunt and he will be there and I will most likely attempt to beat the crap out of him. Not going to go over very well at a wedding or a funeral.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tim do yourself a favour go to affaircare.com and look under the articles section. Keep focused on your marriage and follow a plan set out by professionals. You must expose the affair to the OM's wife to secure your marriage. Furthermore buy the " surviving an affair " book by Harley, therein is a process to help rebuild your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> There is no need to set up a fake account, be open contact his wife and let her know of the affair , his wife keeping a eye on him helps you. If your wife finds out then you know they are still in contact. Telling his wife is not revenge it is done to protect your marriage, if he thinks he can get away with having an affair with your wife there is no incentive to stop him renewing it in the future. You do not disclose your plan to your wife nor do you tell her after you have exposed to the OM 's wife, if she does find out you say you are protecting your marriage against an adulterous affair based on lies and deceit.
> 
> You may feel satisfied after the exposure, if your wife says you did this out of revenge you stick to the message that you are protecting your marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The OM's issue in his marriage is not your problem he had no guilt or remorse while in the affair with your wife , what is your problem is him restarting the affair because you are not taking the critical step of telling his wife. This then enables you to move forward with some degree of certainty that his wife is keeping an eye on him allowing you to focus on your marriage.

If his wife were on this forum we would advise her to call you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> The OM's issue in his marriage is not your problem he had no guilt or remorse while in the affair with your wife , what is your problem is him restarting the affair because you are not taking the critical step of telling his wife. This then enables you to move forward with some degree of certainty that his wife is keeping and eye on him allowing you to focus on your marriage.
> 
> If his wife were on this forum we would advise her to call you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You very well may be right. I need more time to sort out whatever I decide to do or not do.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Read the articles and the book. This will give you some background as to what is happening in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Read the articles and the book. This will give you some background as to what is happening in your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I will check it out.


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

timjones said:


> Thanks, I will check it out.


Most of this stuff in web site I have already read and I have read a lot of books as well. I still just feel need to settle some things with OM. I have not heard anything I am really sure about yet. I will definately talk to my marriage coach about this but since she had back surgery a month ago she has been unavailable. I am not sure when she will be available again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

TJ
You know were I stand, so as you wait for your coach to get better... your wife will be with OM.

Granted its a balancing act, stand your ground and push her away, or do nothing and have her taken away.

I'm sure you've read enough to know what you need to do and what to expect on either one of your choices. Bottom line is make one of those choices now.


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

the guy said:


> The main thing here is getting your wife back, not so much getting back at the OM.
> If she has recommited to you and you find no other evidence of there contact then I suggest dropping it. The last thing you want is OM going to your W about this. If W has no contact with OM, then you should have NC with OM.
> 
> BUT
> ...





the guy said:


> TJ
> You know were I stand, so as you wait for your coach to get better... your wife will be with OM.
> 
> Granted its a balancing act, stand your ground and push her away, or do nothing and have her taken away.
> ...


Ok, so I think she has recommitted to me. I have been wrong on this before though. But she is being more intimate with me and we have been having a lot more good days then we used to. Also I have really devoted myself to our marriage the last 4 months and I think she is starting to feel that these changes might really be for real. (They are) So am just trying to be careful to do the right thing. I just want to have the results I desire - 1. To have my marriage be awesome 2. To keep him away. 3. To punish him some way #1 is the most important and it goes without saying that #2 will have to be happening if #1 is going to work. #3 I am sure I will find some way to get him or several ways - I just have to figure out the best ways of doing so.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tim-*come on* hasn't he suffered enough? The women he cares about is living with another man and sleeping with another man. The women he cares about.....someone else has a legal and religous contract with her. As much as this "poor" guy wants he can not have the daily physical affection he wants. (note the sarcasim in my tone)

Dude you have won, you got the girl.

As long as your wife stops all contact with OM let it go. If you catch them again let her know that all bets are off and that she and him will feel the ful consequences of there bad behavior.


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## timjones (Feb 2, 2011)

the guy said:


> Tim-*come on* hasn't he suffered enough? The women he cares about is living with another man and sleeping with another man. The women he cares about.....someone else has a legal and religous contract with her. As much as this "poor" guy wants he can not have the daily physical affection he wants. (note the sarcasim in my tone)
> 
> Dude you have won, you got the girl.
> 
> As long as your wife stops all contact with OM let it go. If you catch them again let her know that all bets are off and that she and him will feel the ful consequences of there bad behavior.


I have an appointment with my marriage coach set up for Saturday. I am going to bring up these issues with her.

I really feel a desire to destroy the EO without anyone being able to pin it on me. Is that normal? What have you heard of people doing? He lives 8 hours away round trip.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope your coach can square you up b/c you are wasting to much energy on this. 
Your wife did her part in this and you have forgiven her? Let this guy go, it is not worth the consequences of having your W dragged back into this guys life b/c you have an issue with him. 
You will screw things up if you try to persue this revenge!

I have heard of cases were the LS approaches the OM and then the OM contacts the DS and a dialog is started up all over again. Just b/c the LS contacted the OM.

leave it alone.


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