# I Love you but I'm not in love with you !



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

Hi all,

Those words that seem to be coming more and more common i.e. "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" have recently been spoken to me by my wife.

I'm hoping that by listing out all recent events I can come to some understanding and maybe help others come to understand what the hell is going on.

Here's the facts. 


We've been married for 18 years
We have one daughter who is 13
We are both 41
We were childhood sweethearts
I have spent the last 10 years working extremely hard to step up the career ladder to the point where I am now a Director. I have largely ignored my wife over this period ( her words which she has told me recently )
My wife works 3 days a week
Early last year my wife was diagnosed with cervical cancer and had to undergo a major op
Recently my wife and daughter have been constantly arguing over anything and everything. To be fair I have largely ignored this and just put it down to my daughter becoming a teenager.
My wife admitted to me at Christmas that she had been having 'emotional affairs' via her smart phone all through December ( I knew something was happening but had no proof until Xmas day and she only admitted it when I had unarguable evidence ).
She is adamant that there has never been any physical meeting or cheating
We have and are still having regular sex. In fact it seems to have gotten better recently !

We have spoken at length about our feelings for each other which is when the statement "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" was stated. At the weekend my wife decided that she needed 'space' and wanted to be on her own. By this she meant completely on her own away from me, our daughter and her family.

She decided she was leaving on the Saturday night. Sunday morning she then told me that 'she couldn't do it to me and wasn't going anywhere'. We then had a lovely day together with a walk to a nice pub and meal and came home and had probably the best sex I can remember for a long time !

I now find myself totally confused and constantly breaking down in floods of tears as I don't know how all of this is going to end up.

I would be very interested in hearing from other people who have gone or are going through similar situations. :scratchhead:


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Have an open talk with your daughter. She might have sensed something.

Get a voice activated recorder and check cellphone records. The affairs typically go underground after the first confrontation.

She is quite possibly adamant it didn't go physical because you had no proof. In the light of her eagerness to move out though, it's very unlikely.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Those words that seem to be coming more and more common i.e. "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" have recently been spoken to me by my wife.
> 
> ...


As Snap suggested, you need to find out what she's up to. Get a keylogger on the PC, a voice activated recorder (VAR) or two and put one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro

Also go on line to your cell provider and look as far back as you can at her call/text history. Look for lots of texts/calls to a few numbers you don't recognize and texts/calls made late at night or early in the AM or other times when you're not around

I'm willing to bet this goes waaayyy deeperthan what you've been told


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Unfortunately, your wife seems to be following a WS script that far too many of us have seen. The "I love you but.." speech is really a way for the WS to say "I will be lying to you going forward, but I feel good about warning you". I know that's cynical, but I believe it is close to the truth.

You seem to recognize the mistakes you've made in neglecting her, is your wife willing to own her own sh!t regarding the EA's? If so, then there is a chance for rebuilding a new relationship. If not, prepare for the worst.

Sorry you're here. But you'll get lot's of advice. Read and learn from the experiences and mistakes of others. There really is a script.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Forgot to note that your wife's cancer may have been a triggering event. I believe that certain events can trigger a previously faithful cheater to start cheating. In my case, my STBXW started her EA shortly after her father (who was horribly abusive to her mother and possibly my STBXW and her siblings) died.

Anything that jolts a predisposed cheater to question their own mortality or their own satisfaction with life triggers a chain of events where their own ultra-selfish desires for "happiness" cause them to seek external validation. 

Anyway, that's my pop psychology belief. It won't help you to solve, but may help you to understand.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

She didn't change her mind about leaving. She had plans with OM that fell through so she had no where to go and needed to come up with a new lie so she could stay home without it looking too suspicious. IMO this is absolutely physical.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm sorry but, ILYBINILWY always means "I found someone else"

You will need to get to the bottom of this and end it, or it will end your M. It sounds like she is fence sitting, so there is still a chance for you to end the A and get your W back.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I can't give any advice re: the affair, but I can tell you to pull up your boot straps because your fun with your daughter and her mother will last for appx 2 more years (going by my own experience). I have a 21 year old daughter and between the ages of 13 - 15, I was about ready to pull my hair out! Thank God I only had one because I think I would have been in a mental institution had I had 2 girls.


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> Recently my wife and daughter have been constantly arguing over anything and everything. To be fair I have largely ignored this and just put it down to my daughter becoming a teenager.
> My wife admitted to me at Christmas that she had been having 'emotional affairs' via her smart phone all through December ( I knew something was happening but had no proof until Xmas day and she only admitted it when I had unarguable evidence ).


These two points may have a common cause. Did your wife admit to the EAs because you caught her or did she offer them out of the blue, without burden of proof on your part? If the latter, then I'd bet a mint that your daughter probably caught her engaging in some kind of affair behavior and gave her an ultimatum that either your wife tell you or she would.


----------



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

snap said:


> Have an open talk with your daughter. She might have sensed something.
> 
> Get a voice activated recorder and check cellphone records. The affairs typically go underground after the first confrontation.
> 
> She is quite possibly adamant it didn't go physical because you had no proof. In the light of her eagerness to move out though, it's very unlikely.


Thanks for your reply. Interesting that you suggested talking with my daughter. I have already tried this and she seemed very uncomfortable talking to me about it. I don't know whether its her age or that she was just embarrassed.

I've also checked my wifes cellphone as over the last couple of weeks it has been deathly silent. Before that it seemed to be constantly going off with Facebook notifications etc. All syncing between Facebook and the two Gmail accounts have been switched off. Browser history is ALWAYS empty. I have used her phone to browse the internet and it keeps the history when I have used it. It seems that she is manually deleting the history.

I guess the signs are not good..........


----------



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Forgot to note that your wife's cancer may have been a triggering event. I believe that certain events can trigger a previously faithful cheater to start cheating. In my case, my STBXW started her EA shortly after her father (who was horribly abusive to her mother and possibly my STBXW and her siblings) died.
> 
> Anything that jolts a predisposed cheater to question their own mortality or their own satisfaction with life triggers a chain of events where their own ultra-selfish desires for "happiness" cause them to seek external validation.
> 
> Anyway, that's my pop psychology belief. It won't help you to solve, but may help you to understand.


Hi Cederman,

I have been reading a lot about 'mid life crisis' and it seems that she fits about 90% of the criteria. My concern is that she hasn't been truthful with me. She only admitted to me that she had been having EA's when I found her phone still logged in to her hotmail account ( she got drunk at Xmas and forgot to log out - it really hurt me that she was still messaging on Xmas day ). I made her delete the hotmail account and I know she did it.

I have been regularly checking her cell since then and have found that she has set up another gmail account which I also know she is regularly logging into as when I attempt to recover the account the options for this are greyed out as it has been logged onto in the last 4 days.

What's confusing me is that after I thought we were finished when she was going to leave we now seem to be 'back on' as though nothing has happened.


----------



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

JMGrey said:


> These two points may have a common cause. Did your wife admit to the EAs because you caught her or did she offer them out of the blue, without burden of proof on your part? If the latter, then I'd bet a mint that your daughter probably caught her engaging in some kind of affair behavior and gave her an ultimatum that either your wife tell you or she would.


Hi JM,

She only admitted it when I found her cell still logged into her hotmail account.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> Thanks for your reply. Interesting that you suggested talking with my daughter. I have already tried this and she seemed very uncomfortable talking to me about it. I don't know whether its her age or that she was just embarrassed.
> 
> I've also checked my wifes cellphone as over the last couple of weeks it has been deathly silent. Before that it seemed to be constantly going off with Facebook notifications etc. All syncing between Facebook and the two Gmail accounts have been switched off. Browser history is ALWAYS empty. I have used her phone to browse the internet and it keeps the history when I have used it. It seems that she is manually deleting the history.
> 
> I guess the signs are not good..........


These are all very bad signs. 

You should also look for a burner phone.

Place VARs around the house.

You are in a very bad place right now. Too many red flags to count.


----------



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

Ovid said:


> These are all very bad signs.
> 
> You should also look for a burner phone.
> 
> ...


Hi,

Sorry, but what is a burner phone ?


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> Hi JM,
> 
> She only admitted it when I found her cell still logged into her hotmail account.


Gotcha. Is the contention between them a recent part of their emotional relationship with them or have they always been volatile with one another? Also, when they argue are they conscientious about keeping their voices down, or if you enter a room while they're arguing do they get quiet?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> Hi,
> 
> Sorry, but what is a burner phone ?


A pay as you go phone like from dollar general or walmart ect.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you want to make things work but she needs to take a polygraph then see her reaction should be interesting!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Burner Phone - Pre-paid phone that she's hiding


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> Hi,
> 
> Sorry, but what is a burner phone ?


Prepaid phone requiring no contract and no personal information, since minutes can be bought via prepaid SIM cards using cash. WSs use them a lot to hide the extent of their communication with their AP.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. First the EA is bad enough and it seems like you have let her off the hook. You should demand all access to emails, FB cell phone. You alsow need to expose the EA to the OM's wife gf. Then you must demand a NC letter to the OM and she gives it to you to send.

I am afraid this goes much deeper then you know. VAR in the car. Keylogger on the computer and I would suggest teh GPS tracker for the car. It might not be a bad idea to have a VAR in the house.

I am sure the daughter knows. It turned out my kids found out and confronted mom and then she buried the A deeper


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> . My concern is that she hasn't been truthful with me.
> 
> *She's lying to you still. Cheaters only own up to what they think they have to in order to get you to back down*
> 
> ...


*DO NOT be fooled by this! She has taken her activities underground! Get VARs, keylogger and go back further in her cell history*


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

2 VARS in the house, 1 VAR in the car asap!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have the money get a PI.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

what kind of phone does she have ?


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I really don't have any advice because I was 100% abandoned in my situation.

After almost 22 years of marriage, I got the "I don't love you and haven't loved you for a long time" speech. I never heard "I love you, but not in love with you" speech. Maybe he thought he was playing Monopoly.

Good luck to you. This is a great group of people who know what they are talking about.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> I now find myself totally confused and constantly breaking down in floods of tears as I don't know how all of this is going to end up.


When you cry, just make sure she's not there. DO NOT EVER CRY IN FRONT OF HER. Or beg and plead. It's very unattractive to her. She'll think you're pathetic and it'll reinforce the idea that you're not the man for her. Women are wired to be attracted to a strong confident man. In all of your interactions with her you have to come across that way. Even if you're a blubbering mess inside, which understandably you probably are. But don't scream and yell at her either. From now on, you have to be calm, firm, and confident. Think of the old westerns with Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. Or James Bond, with Sean Connery and the new Bond (Craig?)


----------



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

chapparal said:


> what kind of phone does she have ?


She has a Sony Ericson Xperia S


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Elvischeeseburger said:


> She has a Sony Ericson Xperia S


Not familiar with that one. Is it a smart phone? You may google it and see if deleted texts can be recovered.

The phone bill (online) should be checked to find the OM's number. Use the white pages online to find who's number it is. 

spokeo.com may be useful too.

Did you ask who the OM was?


----------



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

there will come a point where you're so sick of being hurt and walked on and broken hearted ... when a switch in you're mind will be flicked. Suddenly you won't be able to give a rat's ass about her. Her actions will make her look so unattractive to you that you'll be comfortably numb. It doesn't sound like this has happened yet. 
My wife seemed to notice this in me. I bailed one day while she was out of town. Yep. I left and moved out in to an apartment. I had finally had it. Single ladies in my apartment complex began to immediately notice me and began to flirt. I was on top of the world. My confidence soared. It was at this moment when my dumb wife realized what she was loosing and began to beg for me to come back. I suddenly became attractive to her because I wasn't as attracted to her any more. I know this is hard to understand. But you gotta start falling out of love with her more. You're too head over heals for her and it's turning her off. If she's too stupid to appreciate and understand what an awesome husband she has then to hell with her. Seriously, there are a ton of awesome good looking women out there who will treat you right. You are in control buddy. Women are attracted to what they can't have. Go be that guy


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to have a long hard think on this by yourself. She has betrayed you and your daughter. It is her choice, and her's alone. Yes, your marriage had it's flaws, and you had your part in making them, but she chose one of the worst possible courses of action. And she continues to do so. She is cheating on you.

What do you want to do? Do you want to try to salvage your marriage? Do you even know? Your wife is basically a drug addict right now, and will be for the next while. Do not trust her choices, or accept them as they apply to you. Make your own decisions, and act on them with determination.
You do not need to gather more proof, you have enough as is to act, if you are mentally tough. You can lawyer up and file now, do the absolute best you can for yourself and your daughter. Get the best lawyer you can.

Or you can confront your wife again. Tell her you refuse to be in an open marriage. You will neither tolerate, nor facilitate her affair. You have both made mistakes, yes, but this is one you have no part in. You are willing to work to repair your family, but she must commit too. Unequivocally. She must choose, right then, right there, no delay. You and your family, or she can get the f out. If she chooses you she must come clean about her affair, fully. Answer any question you have. Who, when, where, what? You'll want to know why. The answer is because she is selfish enough to do it, and she wanted to. You will need to figure out what level of detail you need, it is your choice, not hers to make. She writes a No Contact (NC) letter, search the term to find suitable examples. She agrees to complete transparency, all accounts, passwords, GPS tracking if need be, full accountability for her whereabouts and activities for as long as you want. You will need to put in place measures to verify for some time, unbeknownst to her. Keylogger on the computer, spyware on the phone, var in the house and her car. Exposure to people that matter, her family, yours. You will expose the other man to people that matter, without telling her. His significant other, his family, his employer, who ever. This will help kill the affair, and raise the cost of it to them both. Individual councelling, probably for both of you, with people who are experienced with infidelity. You interview the councellor first to get their views on it. If they feel the bs is to blame in any way, they are idiots, move on. She will go through withdrawal, literally, before she will think clearly again, once she does, she needs to own her choices, and demonstrate genuine remorse, with actions, not words. Again, that will not happen right away, if it does, I would suspect it.

Sorry you are here. Talk to your daughter, she will need you to be sane and strong. Make sure she knows you love her.


----------



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Grow some hair down there and go be a man. You need to phsychologically Kick that other guys ass. Show him and you're wife who you are.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Elvis, here are some more thoughts on your situation:

Don't talk about "feelings" with her anymore. Or at least minimize it a lot. She really doesn't care how you feel right now. You don't want to think that, but it's true. She's immersed in the fog. Addicted. Talking about relationship stuff including feelings comes across as weak and needy.

Investigate quietly. Don't confront her with every piece of evidence. Gather it without her knowing and come here for advice with your findings. Let those who've been where you are guide you. So many have confronted too early with flimsy evidence and been gaslighted (she makes you out to be crazy)


----------



## Elvischeeseburger (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks for all your responses and advice guys it has been quite overwhelming :smthumbup:

I guess I've got a tough road ahead of me and I need to sort this mess out once and for all. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Remember, you need to be strong. You can confront with what little you have, but you need to be prepared if she tries to gaslight. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Either she follows your lead, or you head for divorce and protect yourself. Read as much as you can here. Rookie's thread could you reconcile would be a good one to see how being strong can work out in the end.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> Remember, you need to be strong. You can confront with what little you have, but you need to be prepared if she tries to gaslight. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Either she follows your lead, or you head for divorce and protect yourself. Read as much as you can here. Rookie's thread could you reconcile would be a good one to see how being strong can work out in the end.


She has to tell you everything and writing it out is the best way to do it. There is a good chance her moving out just fell through.

If hse doesn't give you his name and all she know's about him for example it means he means mor to her than you do and she is protecting him.

The good news is that she is still having sex with you. Most cheaters stop as in their mind that would be cheating on their lover.

You have a long road and if you feel that she wants to fix the marriage there is more advise available.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You may feel hopeless, powerless and abandoned, but know that you'll make it in the end and people who were in your place are here to help you with advice. This is not the end of the world, take care of yourself and your daughter first and foremost.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Most cheaters stop as in their mind that would be cheating on their lover.


Ahhhh yes, the faithful cheater. My husband introduced me to him the night he came to bed wearing pajamas and announced that "it was more comfortable and helped him sleep better"....after 23 years of sleeping in nothing but underwear.


----------

