# Tough choice ...



## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Hello all. It's been about a year or more since I've posted on here. So much has changed ... here's the abbreviated backstory.

I'm now divorced. After going through IC and MC, my ex announced in our last session "I think we're done." That was the first I'd heard of it. Three weeks later I was out of our home and in my own apartment ... this after 28 years of marriage. 

For the most part, I've been a lot happier. I miss my beautiful home, my pets (can't have them here) and my horses that I now have to board out. I've had my moments over the last year and a half where I've had crippling depression and regrets, but for the most part I've carved out a new life for myself.

I also am in a committed relationship. He moved from his home state to be with me here. My relationship with him really is what I'd always wanted. The communication, support and connectedness is amazing. He has a 14 year old daughter that still lives in his home state with his ex (he was divorced after 25 years ... so we both know how to work at relationships until there's no hope). He and his daughter have a pretty good relationship even though it's long distance. She's been here with us for the past week ... we're taking her home tomorrow.

When we got together, I made it clear to him that I did not sign up to be a mom again. I'd done that already ... my son is grown and in grad school. I like his daughter. She has some issues, mostly due to her mom, and we get along really well. But I know myself enough to know that I do NOT want to play the parenting role again.

Well, now we hear that her mom had to go into the hospital (again) and most likely is going to end up in an assisted living home ... that's a whole other story that I won't go into now. So, of course that means that my guy will take his daughter back. My first emotion was panic ... I felt trapped and angry. He asked what I was thinking and I told him. 

I don't want my nice, peaceful life disrupted. Our apartment has 2 bedrooms, but it's small. I'm a neat freak, and neither one of them is. He moved into my place, so I feel ownership of it. She would not be an easy child to raise and I think she and I would butt heads a LOT ... I just do NOT want the drama and responsibility.

So, long story short (well, I'm trying anyway ... lol) we've decided that he and his daughter will get an apartment here in town ... she'll have to relocate up here, which will be tough on her. He wants to stay a couple ... and I do too, but I just can't see it lasting. He'll still have the responsibility of his daughter, which is as it should be. I told him I thought he should move back to his home state, but he said he won't do that because it means a long-distance relationship. 

We had plans to relocate to North Carolina after I retire in 5 years. We've been talking marriage, even though I'm not ready yet and he knows that. But we've discussed it and it's in the future at some point. But now ... I see all of that just disappearing and my life falling apart. We've set up our checking account together and have bought some furniture together. Things would have to be divided up ... takes me back to my divorce.  And my only living family is my son so I'd be pretty alone.

I know some of you are going to think, and probably tell me, that I'm nuts to give up this relationship. After all, it's "only 4 more years." But to me it would be 4 years of hell. And remember, I told him all of this from the beginning. He does understand ... but when he asked me my feelings on our new plan I told him I just don't know how its going to play out. 

I'm leaving out some details for the sake of brevity but I think I've posted enough for you all to get the gist of the issue. I'd love opinions from anyone, but especially those who've had similar issues. 

Thanks.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I think its a good idea that he get a place alone with his daughter. Its going to be a big adjustment for the 2 of them alone without throwing you right into the mix. I would hold off on making any other major decisions until you give it some time....easing into to things slowly with his daughter. I would say that's best for all involved. Its not something anyone should rush into. They need to become comfortable in this new situation and so do you. Take your time and get to know her. You may come to care for...even love her. You aren't her mother and never will be but that doesn't mean you can't be something else... a part of her life. 

I understand what you feel and it may not work out but I think its a chance worth taking...effort well spent regardless of the outcome given the strength of the relationship and connection you have with her father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Boundaries. Gotta love 'em. :smthumbup:


You can always change your mind. But to start with, no way. She's old enough to understand too.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

You've been cohabitating, shared finances, purchases, so it seems that you both had committed to each other in a serious manner. 

For me, loving someone means you stick with them until they show you they no longer want your love. Having his child move in, due to an unforeseen circumstance is not his fault, yet you want to remove him from your life? It seems that if you are set on your decision, it's best you actually separate, because maybe the feelings and commitment in your relationship are lopsided some.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

We are definitely committed in a serious manner. And I'm willing to stick with him through just about anything. However, having a child added to the relationship ... And a troubled one at that ... Is a different matter in my mind. 

My marriage wasn't great for a long time. Throughout it, I was manipulated and intimidated, much of which I only realized after I left and through IC. I had been working on my marriage for a year and a half before we called it quits. When my ex said we were done, and I started life on my own, I finally felt like this huge weight was lifted off of me and that I could breathe. I made a vow to myself then that I would never again compromise my own needs in a relationship. Notice I did NOT say that I would never compromise ... But that I wouldn't sacrifice my own needs.

So ... By saying I don't want to raise another child I'm simply affirming what I've already stated to him. It has nothing to do with the depth of my love for him ... it's just that I know my limits. I'd end up resenting both of them.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I agree with soulsearch. It seems that you really need to consider just how "committed" you are to this person. Just as you told him going into the relationship that you didn't want to be a parent again, you went into the relationship knowing that there was an opportunity for something like this to happen. You seem like a sensible person who is capable of being honest with herself. Think hard about what it is that is so stressful for you to take on the daughter of the man you love for 4 years. I might be offended if my partner fled the second something in my life changed. There is nothing wrong with taking it slow, but I just want you to think about your commitment to him before you go into marriage.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I'm set to retire in 5 years. My son is grown and gone. I've already stated that I'm not ready for marriage, and may not ever marry again. I like our lives the way they are now. I guess I'm selfish enough (and know myself enough) to not "want to take on" this child. Saying that like its some little walk in the park is not realistic. And we all know it wouldn't only be 4 years. You don't magically stop being a parent when they turn 18. 

Oh, and I'm a high school biology teacher. My students are the exact age of his daughter and are tough and undisciplined. So it would be very stressful to come home to the exact same thing and live it there too.

The more I write, the more my decision seems made. It breaks my heart though ... He's really my soulmate. But I really can't do what he's asking of me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think y'all came up with a good compromise. I know other couples whose kids are grown who keep separate homes and are still "a couple". 

Isn't he just asking you to hang in there during this compromise and see where it goes? I think you would get the best of both worlds!


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Isn't he just asking you to hang in there during this compromise and see where it goes? I think you would get the best of both worlds!


Yes, that's the plan for right now. It will mean financial changes for both of us as we divide up our bills and bank accounts. It will mean work changes for him ... he currently works the night shift and that won't work after she's with him. He's also working on getting his Master's degree online ... he's about halfway through. That will probably have to be put on hold too.

He'll be tied down to his child ... our lives of being spontaneous and focused on each other will change. If we stay together, I'll be asked to be around for time when he can't be ... I don't want to be a babysitter. I know she's 14, but as I mentioned, she has some issues and isn't quite trustworthy in some respects. At least right now. 

Those of you reading this are probably thinking that I sound like a selfish ***** ... maybe I am being selfish. But I'm also being honest. I'd be miserable.

So, yes, the plan as of now is to stay a couple while he moves out and gets his daughter settled up here. She's gonna be tough to live with through this transition ... I don't wanna be anywhere around! I just don't know if we'll survive.

Thanks all for your input. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? And made it work?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I think respite care can be of help regardless of finances, My concern if what she needs specialized care when she is 24 or 30? will your hubby just ship her off like she never existed? You chose to be with a man who has a child, and parenthood does not end when the kid is 19. Think good and hard about who he will choose when it is you or his blood.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

tranquility said:


> Yes, that's the plan for right now. It will mean financial changes for both of us as we divide up our bills and bank accounts. It will mean work changes for him ... he currently works the night shift and that won't work after she's with him. He's also working on getting his Master's degree online ... he's about halfway through. That will probably have to be put on hold too.
> 
> He'll be tied down to his child ... our lives of being spontaneous and focused on each other will change. If we stay together, I'll be asked to be around for time when he can't be ... I don't want to be a babysitter. I know she's 14, but as I mentioned, she has some issues and isn't quite trustworthy in some respects. At least right now.
> 
> ...


If it were me I would end the relationship. If you don't want to parent, you don't want to parent. And the child needs to keep seeing her mother, so it would make sense for the dad to move to where the child lives, than to disrupt the child especially if the kid has issues, why add to them with moving, dealing with competing for her dad's attention, etc. Then having to be put on the spot to help out in the inevitable pinches? 

Ending the relationship and dividing things up will allow him to make the choice to move to where his daughter is. And if he doesn't, well, just say no. I think if you're not feeling it, at this point you aren't married so just look out for yourself and say no and don't worry about anyone judging you. Be confident with what works for you. You don't need a solid reason that justifies or whatever. Your own inclination is enough, there is no marriage contract, just some basic living arrangements that would be expected in mutually desired cohabitation. Which is now not mutually desired due to an unforeseen change in circumstances (at least unforeseen for you, maybe he saw it coming all along?)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have a troubled niece who recently turned 25. Ain't no way in HELL I'd take that on. I know exactly what she was like at 14 and it only got worse. She's on baby #2 with baby daddy #2. There is only one word to describe her "drama".

I'd take on a well adjusted 14 year old but not a troubled one. Nope I don't have it in me. I like my peace and quiet too much. 

BTW my sister has lost one stepdad and a serious boyfriend over this same niece. She's IMPOSSIBLE to live with.  Seriously. She's THAT crazy.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

scatty said:


> I think respite care can be of help regardless of finances, My concern if what she needs specialized care when she is 24 or 30? will your hubby just ship her off like she never existed? You chose to be with a man who has a child, and parenthood does not end when the kid is 19. Think good and hard about who he will choose when it is you or his blood.


She doesn't have those kinds of issues ... simply behavioral issues from living with a woman who puts absolutely no boundaries on her. This child runs her mother, and that would NOT fly with me!

He's NOT my hubby ... I've stated that many times. And I myself stated that parenthood doesn't magically end at 18. 

He's made his choice, and it's the right one. It's just not one I can live with. It just really hurts to face the end of our plans for the future ... again. My ex and I had great plans for our retirement, and now I'm faced once again with feeling like my life is falling apart and I'm totally lost. I'm starting to feel like maybe I really would be better off alone.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

tranquility said:


> Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?


Yes. It was horrible. Drama and stress. 

Stick with your guns.


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## Kria (Aug 4, 2013)

tranquility said:


> Thanks all for your input. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? And made it work?


What difference does it make if other people have made it work? You are not those people and those people made it work because they wanted to and you obviously do not.

You should never have gotten seriously involved with a man that has a child especially an underage child and just because the child lived out of state with her mother didn't absolve the fact that the situation could change just like it has now. Unless you casually date a man and live separately from him then expect to be involved in his child's life significantly because you can't easily separate the two.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

soulsearch said:


> You've been cohabitating, shared finances, purchases, so it seems that you both had committed to each other in a serious manner.
> 
> For me, loving someone means you stick with them until they show you they no longer want your love. Having his child move in, due to an unforeseen circumstance is not his fault, yet you want to remove him from your life? It seems that if you are set on your decision, it's best you actually separate, because maybe the feelings and commitment in your relationship are lopsided some.


I tend to agree with this.

Clearly you love him, but only so much. I think this tells you that your love for him is actually far less than you thought because it has to be solely on your specified terms and this doesn't fit. Find someone you love enough to the extent you can deal with life's issues.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Love is not enough to live with a spoiled brat.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

Tranquility,

No one can say if what you are deciding on is "right" OR "wrong" because there is no such thing. There is only what's right or wrong for you, within your personal and societal context. If you feel that he is not worth living with his child, then you decide how to remedy that situation. I was giving my personal feelings on your situation, it's not one I would want to have to decide! Choosing between two deeply held values that conflict is hell, and I wish you peace in whatever decision you make.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Thank you soulsearch.

Both of us had pretty much a sleepless night and we have a 9-hour drive ahead of us today to take his daughter back home. Then we turn around and come home tomorrow.

I guess I am a little confused about some of the responses. To assume I'm not deeply in love with this man is just plain wrong. This is a fundamental lifestyle change, on the same par (if not bigger) as deciding where to live or which job to take. In many of the threads, people talk about boundaries and encourage others to leave marriages due to lack of sex. To me, this is much bigger than that, yet some people assume I don't love him because I choose not to parent another child.

Did I have blinders on by thinking this would never happen? Maybe ... but as I've mentioned, I made my stance clear from the very beginning. Since the child was with her mother, who is on disability and gets adoption subsidies for the daughter which is her only income, I thought that things were pretty much set and that she'd be with her mom throughout. I wanted a relationship with her, and we ARE developing one. I like her a lot, and feel sorry for her situation. 

While she was here this week, we did lots of "girly" things. My guy told me she watched me a lot. But I'm under no illusion that it would be this way were she to live with us. 

We're getting ready to head out, so I need to go. 

Have a good day, all.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tranquility,

You know what you have to do to be true to yourself. Just DO IT.

Break it off with BF TODAY. Tell him the relationship is over permanently and that he will always be special to you.

Tell him that HE needs to concentrate on his daughter because SHE needs him and HE needs to be *that* guy! Tell him to move back to his home state for his daughter if he wants to because, regardless of whether he stays in your state or not, the relationship is over and your feelings will NOT change on this matter.

Sooner is better than later; school will be starting up soon for the Fall. Let him get her situated before school starts.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Well, I've never been in your situation, but I think you're doing it exactly right for you. If it's not the way a bunch of strangers on the internet would handle it so what?

Let him get his own space to live in with his daughter. Continue to date him. Interact with her as much as you're comfortable with and no more.

She might turn 18 and join the military, boom no more problem. You might find that her problems with her mom evaporate in a new environment and you change your mind about parenting her. You might find that you don't love your guy as much as you thought and move on. There's no way of knowing how this will work out ahead of time, so just do it and do your best to be happy regardless of how it works out.


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