# Hi



## Dbreezy88 (Oct 23, 2019)

New member..looking for insight to my situation. Just been on the down and it’s tough to keep a straight face so others aren’t worried. 

I’ve been married for a little over a year and it’s been pretty good. We dated for a while. Like 5+ years and I finally asked. Shame on me, I know. 
I absolutely love my wife. She is great, thoughtful, compassionate and all those good things. My folks love her so that’s a plus. But she has a temper and I feel like it’s only getting worse whenever we argue through the years. 
I’m far from perfect and I make mistakes. I’ll own them, I’m willing to change in order for things to be smooth between us. 

So, our current argument is this. I’m driving and my wife wants me to slow down for a phone game but I opt not to because a car is driving very close behind me. Naturally I think, I don’t want to cause an accident or just be one of those drivers. I loop around so she’s able to do whatever she needs for her game and I already know she’s upset from her body language and tone. I ask if she wants to go to another place for her game and she sharply says No.
We get home and I get the silent treatment. I try to apologize for not following through in driving and she won’t have it. I try to hold her and she yells get off of me or don’t touch me so I do just that and move away. It’s been 2 days now and its only gotten worse. She won’t talk to me. I’ve been texting her while we’re both working and apologizing saying I’ll listen or be a better driver but I get no responses. I only get a reply at night from her telling me to leave or get out of the house. I’ve been sleeping on the couch btw. 

I get her anger but I hate fighting. To me, it’s a waste of time and energy when we could be spending time together. I understand that I made a mistake but to act this way I think is a little much. Or is it me? I’m really thinking if I leave would it help? Talking does nothing because she doesn’t say anything except leave or get the f out. On another occasion she said she made a mistake marrying me or she wants a divorce but I take that as the anger talking and not actually her meaning it because once we stop fighting it’s fine again. 

So I honestly don’t know except that I’m tired of fighting over things, to me, that are little. I don’t want a divorce. She herself said more than once that she doesn’t believe in divorces so... I just don’t know. All I can do is throw my hands up in the air

Thanks for listening


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, and a very effective way of controlling someone. It is a disgusting thing to do. Shame on anyone who does.

How exactly did you make a mistake? Because I can't see where you did. And why do you need to change?

You're on the couch? Wtf? Why? Why would you allow her to treat you this way? My husband and I have disagreed before, sure, but neither of us would ever kick the other out of the bed! 

Is this something your wife does often? Or is it a one off? It just seems so ridiculous for an adult to behave this way...is there more the story?


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## Dbreezy88 (Oct 23, 2019)

I would say it happens here and there where I sleep on the couch when we argue. If I try to get in bed she’ll tell me to leave or she’ll leave herself and sleep on the couch. I don’t want her sleeping on the couch so I go. Silent treatment? All the time. Never fails when we fight

To me, the mistake is not following what she asked. 
There isn’t more to the story. If anything, prior to this, we had dinner with her family and it was good. Nothing out of the usual. 
To add some context, I’m not one that talks a lot. I’ll listen and give my two cents but that’s really it. After I know a person or I’m comfortable with them, I’m more open but still usually quiet if that makes sense. 

She said, I only said two words during dinner and she wasn’t happy with that. Really I said more than that but I assume she’s trying to make her point. I get it but I am who I am. She knows that’s how I am so maybe that’s what set her off initially? Not talking as much. 

Another time, before we were married, we went and had dinner with her entire family. After, I’m playing with her nephew and he was showing me his toys. So I asked, can you show uncle this toy? Apparently it wasn’t cool for me to call myself uncle. I’ve met them all and it’s been over a year since I met them at the time but still not cool. My wife told me later on so I just kept to myself. I guess I’m discouraged to say anything at this point to avoid anything being taken the wrong way. 
On my side of the family, when my wife met my niece she was auntie. No issues or anything so I assumed it the same but again, I get it. Different family different views but my current problem is just trying to make amends with her now. Fighting is exhausting. Especially when the other party isn’t responsive. 
Should I leave and bum with friends for a few days? Or just keep trying to talk to her and see if anything changes


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Dbreezy88 said:


> We get home and I get the silent treatment. I try to apologize for not following through in driving and she won’t have it.


Do you really think you did anything wrong in driving? It's a big mistake to apologise if you don't mean it. 



> It’s been 2 days now and its only gotten worse. She won’t talk to me.


That seems extreme. Is this a change since you got married or has she always been like this?



> I’ve been texting her while we’re both working and apologizing saying I’ll listen or be a better driver but I get no responses.


Do not keep trying to apologise. 



> I only get a reply at night from her telling me to leave or get out of the house. I’ve been sleeping on the couch btw. ...
> 
> ...Talking does nothing because she doesn’t say anything except leave or get the f out. On another occasion she said she made a mistake marrying me or she wants a divorce


Sooner or later you need to have a showdown with her. Personally I'd say do it in front of a good couple counsellor if you can find one. If you keep running and apologising, it will only get worse. 



> I’m really thinking if I leave would it help?


Leave, as in permanently? Yes, it would solve the problem, but don't do that without warning her that you're taking her request for a divorce seriously. 



> All I can do is throw my hands up in the air


Not so. You need to think more carefully about your options.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SO, YOU did nothing wrong. Do you realize she is over-the-top pissed BECAUSE OF A STUPID GAME? Do you think that is rational? It's not.
If SHE is pissed at you for something this stupid, SHE should sleep on the couch. She won't talk -- yes, she is being abusive.
STOP taking "credit" for it being your fault -- you are letting her control you with this stuff. Just tell her fine, you don't want to talk or interact, then don't AND then go on your way and do your own thing. Ignore her temper tantrum just like you would a 3 year old (because that is how she is acting). Once she sees the tactic not working, maybe she'll rethink her actions.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Stop apologizing. Stand up for yourself. 

Shes mad because you drove safely and refused to be a jerk on the road? She needs to grow up.

We women cant respect a man who doesnt know his own boundaries and doesn’t demand respect as a human. You dont have to be rude or angry, just sure of who you are and your worth.

You did nothing wrong. Yet you apologized. Enough. As others have said, let HER sleep on the couch. 
If you are a doormat this early on in your marriage, it wont get better.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> SO, YOU did nothing wrong. Do you realize she is over-the-top pissed BECAUSE OF A STUPID GAME? Do you think that is rational? It's not.
> If SHE is pissed at you for something this stupid, SHE should sleep on the couch. She won't talk -- yes, she is being abusive.
> STOP taking "credit" for it being your fault -- you are letting her control you with this stuff. Just tell her fine, you don't want to talk or interact, then don't AND then go on your way and do your own thing. Ignore her temper tantrum just like you would a 3 year old (because that is how she is acting). Once she sees the tactic not working, maybe she'll rethink her actions.


I couldn't possibly agree more with this. You drove safely and then you were nice enough to go out of your way and swing back around for her stupid game. As for not talking enough during dinner, that's ridiculous. If you sat there with a sullen look on your face and were rude to everyone that's not okay, but just not super talkative? Please.

I think you should tell her tonight that A)You take back your apology. You drove safely and that's nothing to apologize for and so you won't anymore. B)You will be sleeping in your own bed tonight and C)If she continues to use the silent treatment as a way to deal with disagreements it will seriously harm your marriage. 

Then go about your usual business. It will be up to her to decided what she wants to do. But it's time to set a precedent that you will not be putting up with her childish bull**** throughout your entire marriage. She thinks she's in total control and what she says is gospel...time to let her know that's simply not true.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

I think I know the game you mean, my youngest plays it.
So as the driver I try to help out sometimes.
But, no way would I accept a reaction from him, like you have accepted from your wife!
He would have lost his phone for a week.

Was she a spoilt child?

Just don't join her in her emotional games.
Sleep in your own bed.
Stop apologising.
Stay dignified.
Let her come round in her own time.
You ***** footing around her, emphasises for her, that she has grounds for sulking. It's like fuel for her.

You need to be a bit more aloof for awhile.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Get back in your bed, if she wants to be a child, she can sleep on the couch.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hmm.

This post makes me want to fling labels, just to see which one, ones, stick.

Stand back!

Let's see:

Passive/aggressive?
She is anxious, maybe depressive?
Some level of Autistic, on the spectrum behavior?
Less so, bi-polar, more so, borderline personality disorder?

She is actively displaying escapism. 

How? By losing herself in games, and by trying to rid herself of you.
Rid herself of you by driving you mad, with you then getting fed up and going, going, gone.

Think on each label, some undoubtedly libel. :frown2:
Pick one that fits. Pick two, they are all un-tasty.
@Uptown !


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I can hardly say more than others have said, except quit being a codependent, pushover. Do and say what you want. But she's got someone else she's giving her love too. Your just the ATM and give her what she wants stability. Your plan B, and besides your a Beta man, without any Alpha towards her. Time to change.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Yep, I agree with what the others have said. You married a princess and she is throwing a hissy fit because she didn't get her way. She treats you this way because she knows she can get by with it. She doesn't respect you and that sir is a huge deal. My wife has treated me this way on a few occasions and every time we have had it out right then and there. I won't put up with disrespect and you should not either. If you do, things will continue to get worse. Go back to your bed. She has no right to kick you out of bed or out of the house. If she wants the couch, then so be it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Passive aggressive behavior is abuse. No, you don't get you WW anger over a stupid game. Your W needs IC for her anger issues. Stop gaming.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Let me guess...Pokemon Go?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Please read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This is not about fighting, or anything you did right or wrong, or even about you at all. It’s actually about power.

She’s doing this because you allow it to control you. It’s actually emotionally abusive behaviour. I like to call it emotional terrorism. The key to dealing with terrorists is to not negotiate with them at all.

When you get the silent treatment, do:

1. act like you don’t have a care in the world. Put a smile on your face, do fun things, and just generally go on with your life. 
2. if you ask her what’s wrong, and she says “fine,’ then pretend she actually is fine. It will drive her crazy and hopefully shake her out of her passive-aggressive frame.
3. keep doing normal things. Sleep in your own bed. Hang out with friends. Go to work. Watch TV. Work out. Eat right. If you can’t sleep, at least pretend to.

Don’t:
1. allow her to tell you where to sleep. You sleep where you want to sleep. If she doesn’t like that, she sleeps on the couch, not you. Let her be uncomfortable instead of you.
2. ask her how she’s doing, ask her what you did wrong, ask her how you can improve, or ask her anything at all, really.
3. engage, defend, or allow yourself to be manipulated when you do talk. If she says something like “you really disrespected me while driving” you can answer with something like “I think it’s childish to get into an accident because you’re playing a video game” and then walk away. The walking away is the key bit - you take back the power she’s trying to get by co-opting the exchange.
4. touch her. engage with her. make her dinner. tell her nice things. pick her up from work. drive her places. do nice things for her. ask her how her day was. Any of that regular married stuff is over until she starts to act like a grown up.

In short, she’s doing this because it works. She absolutely controls your behaviour by throwing a childish snit fit over a video game. Which makes you unhappy, makes the marriage unhappy, and probably also makes her unhappy.

So stop playing into it. 

And have some fun with it. I never get the silent treatment any more, but when I used to, I’d have a blast hanging out with friends, watching bad science fiction movies in peace and quiet, and doing things like smoking a cigar in the hot tub by myself (she hates the smell and always complains). Treat it like a vacation. It will drive her mental, and then she’ll stop doing it and talk.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Marduk said:


> And have some fun with it. I never get the silent treatment any more, but when I used to, I’d have a blast hanging out with friends, watching bad science fiction movies in peace and quiet, and *doing things like smoking a cigar in the hot tub by myself (she hates the smell and always complains).* Treat it like a vacation. It will drive her mental, and then she’ll stop doing it and talk.


Oh I do love this, made me giggle. Hey, if she's not speaking to you she can't tell you off now can she? Check mate. Bahahahaha.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

frusdil said:


> Oh I do love this, made me giggle. Hey, if she's not speaking to you she can't tell you off now can she? Check mate. Bahahahaha.


She ended coming out in her skimpiest bikini. Then took her top off. And then said “ok, can we just pretend this whole day never happened?”

At least I think that’s what she said. I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying by that point.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@*SunCMars*, thanks for the call-out!



> *She has a temper and I feel like it’s only getting worse.*


Dbreezy, your W's immature and abusive behavior cannot be excused but it may be explainable. These issues may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of coping skills that most people acquire in childhood). If that is an issue, however, you should be seeing 4 other warning signs.

The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, about 6 months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events -- or tried to isolate you away from close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing THEM over HER.

Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction. Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. 

Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is "all bad." She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as "The Victim." Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."

Third, you would not see her expressing her anger to total strangers (e.g., road rage against strangers). Rather, the outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (i.e., against YOU or her parents).

Fourth, you often would see her flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're frequently walking on eggshells. Such flips would occur in 10 seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. Have you been seeing all 4 of these red flags?


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## Dbreezy88 (Oct 23, 2019)

2nd point is some what accurate. She does have black and white thinking. I feel like it’s her way or the high way sort of deal. If she comes up with something then it should be done that way. If not, she may or may not get upset depending on how important it is to her. 
She doesn’t admit to flaws or mistakes. It’s very rare. Even saying sorry is rare. I will admit though, she is right most of the time and this isn’t just with myself. Maybe that helps justify her way of thinking? Don’t know. 

4th point. 100%. From my perspective, she flips on a dime. Also, what I notice is she has more patience or is more forgiving to others than to me. For example, she has a friend that everyone isn’t fond of. The friend herself knows people aren’t that fond of her. She will say obnoxious things or be rude. Just off. My wife agrees that yes, this friend is rude etc and she’s difficult to be around but even though this friend of hers is insulting she will say ‘that’s just how she is’ or ‘she can’t help it’. Make excuses for her behavior but let’s say for me, I keep to myself and I’m a quiet dude yet I’m scolded for not chatting up at storm during family dinner. 

It’s ironic because I’ve said the exact words to her before that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with you or I’m on thin ice.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You need to get these books read,

Hold on to Your Nuts: The Relationship Manual for Men
Book by Wayne Levine 

And....

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Book by Robert A. Glover

Be more assertive, and find out what you want out of your life.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Uptown said:


> @*SunCMars*, thanks for the call-out!
> 
> Dbreezy, your W's immature and abusive behavior cannot be excused but it may be explainable. These issues may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of coping skills that most people acquire in childhood). If that is an issue, however, you should be seeing 4 other warning signs.
> 
> ...


You’re describing symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dbreezy88 said:


> 2nd point is some what accurate. She does have black and white thinking. I feel like it’s her way or the high way sort of deal. If she comes up with something then it should be done that way. If not, she may or may not get upset depending on how important it is to her.
> She doesn’t admit to flaws or mistakes. It’s very rare. Even saying sorry is rare. I will admit though, she is right most of the time and this isn’t just with myself. Maybe that helps justify her way of thinking? Don’t know.
> 
> 4th point. 100%. From my perspective, she flips on a dime. Also, what I notice is she has more patience or is more forgiving to others than to me. For example, she has a friend that everyone isn’t fond of. The friend herself knows people aren’t that fond of her. She will say obnoxious things or be rude. Just off. My wife agrees that yes, this friend is rude etc and she’s difficult to be around but even though this friend of hers is insulting she will say ‘that’s just how she is’ or ‘she can’t help it’. Make excuses for her behavior but let’s say for me, I keep to myself and I’m a quiet dude yet I’m scolded for not chatting up at storm during family dinner.
> ...


I had to teach my wife that apologizing to me is ok and good. She came from an environment where apologies were treated like weaknesses and leveraged in a manipulative way. 

So I had to clearly say when I think I need to be apologized to, broaden my definition of an apology, and learn to just drop it if I got one. 

In the story I related above, my wife didn’t actually apologize or admit she did anything wrong. But the spirit of reconciliation was clearly there. 

She now still doesn’t apologize often, but she does it when she needs to. And I keep dropping it as soon as she does.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dbreezy88 said:


> 2nd point is some what accurate.... 4th point. 100%.


Dbreezy, are you saying then that she has exhibited no signs of a strong abandonment fear (sign #1) and she does not focus her verbal abuse on loved ones (sign #3)?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Dbreezy88 said:


> So I honestly don’t know except that I’m tired of fighting over things, to me, that are little. I don’t want a divorce. She herself said more than once that she doesn’t believe in divorces so... I just don’t know. All I can do is throw my hands up in the air.


So...if Her Highness doesn't believe in divorce than that means YOU can't ever divorce, is that it?  If you two live in the US, you DO know that you can divorce her WITHOUT her permission, don't you? 

So. Exactly WHEN did this nasty, spoiled, shrew of a woman take your testicles? You sound like some down-trodden, beaten up old man whose lost his will to live and hasn't seen his own *spine* since the Reagan free cheese give-away back in the 80's.

Whether or not she's mentally disordered is IRRELEVANT to *your* behavior. You need to find your spine and stop being so afraid of your own shadow. 


> I keep to myself and I’m a quiet dude yet I’m scolded for not chatting up at storm during family dinner.


This is exactly what I mean. She's the mommy and you're the frightened teenager who just lets this bull**** happen over and over and over and over. She doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect YOURSELF! If you actually DID respect yourself, she'd know better than to disrespect you the way she constantly does! It's not rocket science!

Men who are too afraid to stand up for themselves and instead allow their wives to call all the shots while they hop around like a trained seal *continually trying to please her* are the most unattractive men on the planet. How can a woman respect someone who acts like that? Trust me, you lost your wife's respect a *LONG* time ago. You can continue chasing your tail for the rest of your life, hoping to please your master and get that pat on the head from her, but she'll never RESPECT you.

Read the *No More Mr. Nice Guy* book about 5 times, then do what it tells you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Marduk said:


> I had to teach my wife that apologizing to me is ok and good. She came from an environment where apologies were treated like weaknesses and leveraged in a manipulative way.
> 
> So I had to clearly say when I think I need to be apologized to, broaden my definition of an apology, and learn to just drop it if I got one.
> 
> ...


In all fairness Marduk, if your wife's non-apologies are all like the hot tub/bikini (or lack there of), does it REALLY matter if she says the words??? :grin2: As you said, you weren't exactly sure what she even said after the top came off, so maybe she DID say "sorry"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Dbreezy88 So in order for her to play a game on her phone, she demanded that you drive in such a way that would endanger you, her and other road users?

And she is still sulking about it days later?

That's extremely childish and her whole attitude stinks and needs to be addressed by a psychologist.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

frusdil said:


> The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, and a very effective way of controlling someone.


I agree with this in general but I would add a caveat to that. Some people can get highly emotional or need time to get their thoughts together. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying, I am not ready to talk about his now as long as you are willing to commit to talk about it later.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> In all fairness Marduk, if your wife's non-apologies are all like the hot tub/bikini (or lack there of), does it REALLY matter if she says the words??? :grin2: As you said, you weren't exactly sure what she even said after the top came off, so maybe she DID say "sorry"


My point is that took years to get to that point, where I had to be consistent and very much in control of my emotions and responses.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop cowering like a beaten dog and kissing her ass. You are being abused. Just because she is your wife doesnt give her free rein to treat you like shytt and that you are required to take it. Find your balls and get this woman out of your life.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Stop cowering like a beaten dog and kissing her ass. You are being abused. Just because she is your wife doesnt give her free rein to treat you like shytt and that you are required to take it. Find your balls and get this woman out of your life.


bingo. OP I am wondering what the upsides are to this relationship for you. I mean is the sex really that good? because everything you have described....this is only the BEGINING. I am sure you are frustrated now.....but like any cancer...it gets worse without treatment and in many cases is fatal even WITH treatment. RUN Forest, run.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

x598 said:


> bingo. OP I am wondering what the upsides are to this relationship for you. I mean is the sex really that good? because everything you have described....this is only the BEGINING. I am sure you are frustrated now.....but like any cancer...it gets worse without treatment and in many cases is fatal even WITH treatment. RUN Forest, run.


This will get worse over time. Have kids and its 200% of what it is now.

Consider yourself lucky to have avoided a close call with decades of pain. Get out now.

Over game? C'mon.


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