# Husband suddenly "unhappy, depressed and wants to get fit."



## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

*UPDATE: Communication truly is key! We have made big progress in understanding the specifics of what he is going through. I don't feel isolated and alone. We are working on it together, and he is working on himself, as well.*

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UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your responses. Below is my original post. 

Since the below, I've learned more about what's going on. I fear he's in a deep depression, possibly in conjunction with a mid-life crisis. He said he simply awoke and "felt different." He was "changed." 

He opened up this week and it goes very deep, to a dark place. The only positive thing he's doing right now, that I believe he thinks he's in control of, is losing weight. That's probably why he suddenly pursued it. 

I feel abandoned, isolated. The man I once knew is gone. The loving, caring, communicative person has exited the building. 

Right now, now that I realize the full scope, I need to step back, relax, try to remain positive, supportive and potentially nudge him towards some type of therapy. The only thing he's doing right now is working, coming home and listening to music; and eating/exercising. I suggested we go out tonight and he resisted at first, then he changed his mind. Although, we will see if he does - in fact - want to go out later. 

And, it will be interesting to see if this sudden stranger changes once his work hopefully slows down in about a week. I hope it does so he has more free time. Although, this is false hope, I realize. I shouldn't have any expectations, especially if he's not himself. I don't know who he is, how long this will last, if I"ll be able to get him to seek some level of treatment...

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My husband and I've been together for 16+ years. He's always been a big man, very muscular. Over the years, he's gained a little bit of weight, just in his stomach area. He's not obese, just a tad overweight. Throughout the years, I couldn't get him to exercise. He wouldn't walk, let alone run. Ever.

Fast forward to our staycation a few weeks ago. He was plain miserable. No conversation. We didn't have fun. He got sick. Yesterday, he stated that I made it miserable, while I feel he did!

He's been working very hard, over-time, for the past two weeks. He's overworked, I get it. I'm self-employed and have much more freedom, if you will, regarding my schedule.

So, here's the kicker. Within the last three days, my husband has said the following things to me: 

1. He's "unhappy and depressed."
2. He wants to "be ripped" for the first time in his life.
3. He thinks we should sell the house and make a drastic change. (yesterday, he said it again but then stated it didn't make sense to do so)
4. He wants to ride cross-country on a motorcycle.

Yesterday, when I addressed the above and suggested he might be going through a mid-life crisis, he denied it and said maybe it's me that is "loopy." I didn't even use the word "loopy."

After working so hard the last two weeks, for the first time in his adult life, he actually went to the local high school the last two days and walked; and ran! Literally, like an overnight flip. He stopped drinking soda cold turkey. He claimed that he barely ate last week and has already dropped weight. He said it was due to work stress.

Despite me addressing my concerns and stating repeatedly that I support his weight-loss and everything else, he was defensive. We've been like roommates for weeks now, plus. This weekend, we've been in separate rooms on iPads and computers. Cordial but no emotion, nothing. 

There's potential for anything, but I really don't think he's cheating. For the record, to paint the bigger pic, he's a good man. Big heart. Loving. Honest. I have no complaints in this department. We've been through lots over the years... and suddenly it's like we're just... lifeless.

Regardless, why this sudden change? Might I be on to something--may he be going through a mid-life crisis? I feel like sitting down right now with him and telling him this isn't working--that we're living like "friends." But, to say it like that if he's truly going through something is more like a forceful ultimatum, which isn't my objective. I want to be supportive. 

Any feedback? Thanks so much!


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Maybe he is unhappy with his appearance, thus making him depressed. If he isn't happy with himself...everything else will sort of go downhill. Just be supportive and don't press the issue just yet. Maybe offer to go running together. Sounds like he's really busy and over worked...and he feels unattractive as well. Ask him if he would like to rent a movie tonight...let him know you're interested in spending time with him...but don't be overly aggressive.


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

Thanks, I do believe you're right. I'm not going to press the issue right now. I'm going to give it some time and see if he sticks with what he's doing. Plus, workload may change soon, which may ease things for him. 

For him, he's really tired and hasn't been home all week, so he obviously wants to chill at home, while I'm ready to get out (this weekend). This doesn't need to be voiced. It's obvious. So, I'll deal and see how it goes. This definitely isn't allowable as a lifestyle, but, for now...


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

And, I will say that I went to university, have my own business, have always been motivated.... My husband has worked at the same place for 10+ years, has always made less than me, etc.

This could be playing into the big pic in his mind right now, as well (in conjunction with his "unhappy and depressed" statement). Like, maybe he wants more, or different things, but just isn't certain. He certainly doesn't know how to speak about it right now. Time will tell...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

He may not be having an affair, but he's ripe for the picking. 

He's unhappy. Even if it *is* a midlife crisis, asking him that sort of trivializes what he feels. It's no wonder he felt defensive about it! 

It sounds to me like he doesn't feel like he has enough fun in his life. He's looking for ways to have fun, which will help him stay motivated. Make sure you're a very big part of the fun in his life if you want to keep your marriage strong. 

Go cross-country riding with him on weekends. Help buy a motorcycle for him if you have the means. Hire a hot air balloon brunch or... whatever... once a month. Remember what once made him laugh and bring back laughter to your lives. The best way to do it is to celebrate HIM. Who can be unhappy when they're adored and have fun with their life?


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> He may not be having an affair, but he's ripe for the picking.
> 
> He's unhappy. Even if it *is* a midlife crisis, asking him that sort of trivializes what he feels. It's no wonder he felt defensive about it!
> 
> ...


Thanks, Kathy. Actually, that's something I forgot to mention--when we were discussing it yesterday, he said he simply, "Wants to have fun."

Now, I will state for the record. I'm not about giving up huge chunks of my life to, say, go cross-country riding or the like for the sheer sake of his happiness, to the exclusion of my own. Nope. 

My stance is that I'm here to love and support. I'll do what I can, but he ultimately needs to dig deep and figure it out. In that vein, it's not like we're not fun. We've always done stuff. I think stress as of late has simply pushed him to start knowing himself and/or discovering what he truly wants. 

You know, when you've been in a relationship this long, these things represent crossroads.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

At some point working a lot of over-time year after year after year after year ... can wear you down. Especially if your career is not progressing. Especially if you look around and you feel life is passing you by. That your efforts are contributing nothing to your happiness and likely will not going forward.

Do you think less of him for working in the same place 10+ years? Dp you thingk less of him because you make more money? If so he probably senses this. But even if you don't he may think less of himself.

But the inference with him selling the house and going on an extended motorcycle ride means what for you? He is talking about walkign away from you. We see this with walk away wife syndrome. With that we try to validate that there is no affair going on. There is not always an affair with this. 

Do you guys go out on dates? You guys may want to do His Needs Her Needs to figure out what each others needs are.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like you're saying whatever the problem is, it's his problem. That's fine so long as you're willing to accept the consequences of that.


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> At some point working a lot of over-time year after year after year after year ... can wear you down. Especially if your career is not progressing. Especially if you look around and you feel life is passing you by. That your efforts are contributing nothing to your happiness and likely will not going forward.
> 
> Do you think less of him for working in the same place 10+ years? Dp you thingk less of him because you make more money? If so he probably senses this. But even if you don't he may think less of himself.
> 
> ...


Thanks. We don't have kids, so it's easy to do what we want, when we want. 

Interference with him selling the house? No, selling the house certainly wouldn't be necessary to ride cross-country. 

Specifically, to speak to going out on dates. Yes. We go out all the time. Restaurants, movies, bookstores.... Although he wants to "get fit," he still won't agree to go out on hikes with me.

No, I don't think less of him, but he's never been as driven or motivated... That's not the issue. People are all different. He's a good man that works hard. He cannot be "faulted" for this--for being a hard worker with a work ethic. I applaud it. Very few people have work ethics like both of us.


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sounds like you're saying whatever the problem is, it's his problem. That's fine so long as you're willing to accept the consequences of that.


Gee, how did I know that my lack of response akin to, "I'm 100% at his disposal for the sheer sake of his happiness," would glean the above response. 

No, if you re-read what I posted about, that's not what I'm saying at all. As I wrote, I support him. I'm loving and supportive. 

Likewise, I've busted my arse my whole life and worked very hard to get where I'm at. If he's finally ready to kick it in high gear and go for it, which is what I'm thinking, great.

When I did it, it was a positive experience, a positive thing. I didn't walk around saying I'm unhappy and depressed. He's going about it in his own way, and I'm seeing that; and obviously learning from it.

There are no consequences. Only changes. I'm all for changes for the better.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He's indicating he needs change, not necessarily the type he's suggested. Sounds like the staycation worked out poorly and didn't give him the real "break" from his routines that he might need.

So short of selling everything and heading out on a motorcycle together (I'm assuming he means the both of you), what might help? How about a course/vacation that is an adventure in something he might want to try--riplines through Coasta Rica, a 2 week canoe-and camp trip? Learning to scuba dive? Or maybe something more thought-provoking, like a religious or marriage retreat, a writer's course in Hawaii? Only you and he can figure out what will satisfy his obvious need for some change and adventure. But be supportive of the idea, even if you cannot support the motorcycle plan. Maybe he goes riding forr a month after lining up a new job, something like that. But support does not need to mean sacrifice of what makes you happy, so try to be creative together. Good luck.


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> He's indicating he needs change, not necessarily the type he's suggested. Sounds like the staycation worked out poorly and didn't give him the real "break" from his routines that he might need.
> 
> So short of selling everything and heading out on a motorcycle together (I'm assuming he means the both of you), what might help? How about a course/vacation that is an adventure in something he might want to try--riplines through Coasta Rica, a 2 week canoe-and camp trip? Learning to scuba dive? Or maybe something more thought-provoking, like a religious or marriage retreat, a writer's course in Hawaii? Only you and he can figure out what will satisfy his obvious need for some change and adventure. But be supportive of the idea, even if you cannot support the motorcycle plan. Maybe he goes riding forr a month after lining up a new job, something like that. But support does not need to mean sacrifice of what makes you happy, so try to be creative together. Good luck.


Thanks so much for your response. Indeed, you're right. I think the staycation was so miserable for both of us that we simply didn't get refreshed. 

For the record, since I seemingly wasn't very clear above, he didn't suggest selling the house in order to go cross-country. He mentioned it disjointedly. Like, he wants a total life overhaul. Sell the house, make a drastic move, a big change. Bonus- ride cross-country. He doesn't have a motorcycle, never has. It's something he obviously thinks is fun. He also talks about buying a boat and sailing around the world. Yes, big changes!

He just approached me today and suggested we attend a concert, which we haven't done in a long while. So, we're going to go to one next month in South Carolina. It seems he is, in fact, grasping for some fun here, and fun is easy to achieve! If he wants to get fit along the way, great. 

I just want to be mindful and supportive so he doesn't slip into some hole of depression, or the like.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

megan75 said:


> Thanks. We don't have kids, so it's easy to do what we want, when we want.
> 
> Interference with him selling the house? No, selling the house certainly wouldn't be necessary to ride cross-country.
> 
> ...


Megan, I wish I had some words to help you. I hate to see these types of things. I can only say I hope you can reach him.

The concert thing sounds good. He needs you now more than ever. I don;t like to blame MLC for a lot of stuff, but this just might be it. Think positive. maybe you can turn this into something you both can enjoy. Try making love on the beach.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

It sounds like he found this forum and started following the advice which is popular in the men's section.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

megan75 said:


> Now, I will state for the record. I'm not about giving up huge chunks of my life to, say, go cross-country riding or the like for the sheer sake of his happiness, to the exclusion of my own. Nope.


I think you're exactly right that it's a crossroads! 

I'm going to tell you what crossed my mind as I read your post, and you can ignore it or use it as you wish. This one statement that I quoted reflects an attitude that could be a huge part of what is happening with you and your husband. 

Nobody suggested giving up huge chunks of your life, or that it was for the sheer sake of his happiness, yet that is what crossed your mind at the very idea of doing what he wants to do. I'm sure you have reasons for that, but if you can set them aside for a moment as you finish reading, I hope you will consider... 

1. You don't have to do "all or nothing." 
2. His happiness should be bringing you happiness, too. 
3. When he feels happy, you'll benefit in other ways.
4. Sometimes your marriage needs nurturing more than your "self" does. This is one of those times.
5. His statements to you are positive signs that he's thinking about what can be done. He's not putting up for sale signs, but he's seeking your approval and togetherness. I'm glad you guys will be going to the concert, but it sounds like you need to make fun events a regular thing in your lives, too.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, who's idea was the staycation (or was it not an option to do something more exotic)? Doesn't seem like the right choice for someone who wants to cross the country on a motorcycle...

I can't help but wonder if, instead of him falling into depression, something has sparked him to see the light out of it. Getting fit, thinking about his job, thinking about missed opportunities - sounds like he's starting to realize there could be a life out there that'll make him happy.

The problem is that right now, you register in his old life and to him, he might view you as part of the problem. Take his journey seriously and help him see you are his companion no matter where life takes you, and not just a part of that dreary world he's trying to avoid.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

megan75 said:


> Likewise, I've busted my arse my whole life and worked very hard to get where I'm at. *If he's finally ready to kick it in high gear and go for it, which is what I'm thinking, great.*
> When I did it, it was a positive experience, a positive thing. I didn't walk around saying I'm unhappy and depressed. He's going about it in his own way, and I'm seeing that; and obviously learning from it.
> 
> There are no consequences. Only changes. I'm all for changes for the better.


Interesting choice of words. Whether you intend to or not, it conveys the idea that you think he has been lazy over the years, while you are the harder worker. 

As for the changes, while i understand your point, the more you leave it solely to him, the greater chance he continues off on his own. I think the point people are trying to get at is make sure that you continue to try and be involved, where practical, so that it can be about both of you changing together.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It sounds like you've had some personal success and carried the financial load during your marriage. As a result, you feel he needs to just "buck up" and work out his issues. I also sense a lack of respect even though you're very civilized about it. I've felt this way in my marriage, but unfortunately my wife wasn't feeling it. Her needs weren't being met and I needed to work on myself and our relationship. 

What I learned.:

My career success was seperate from her needs and our relationship. While she enjoyed the fruits of my labor she still had some resentment and needs that I needed to address if I wished to stay married. Your husband is going through something and if you don't participate he'll find someone who will. It's funny. I think if you were a man the folks here would be asking if you ignored him and if you've done anthing special for him lately. Honestly, you do sound like a frustrated/bored husband in a way.

Peace


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> It sounds like he found this forum and started following the advice which is popular in the men's section.


Well, I posted an update about what's going on. I believe it's a deeper depression, potentially in conjunction with a mid-life crisis. 

I understand my place at this time is basically to not have so much of a role. Be supportive, not pushy, although I should be urging him to go for therapy and/or treatment. 

If it is, in fact, a MLC, who the heck knows what he's subject to do. He's saying contradictory things at this point. He feels tied down with the house, but he doesn't want to sell. Yet, he said he wanted to sell. He claims the relationship isn't part of it, then he said it's a small part. Then, he said everything's a part. He claims he's getting fit and will do "what he wants, when he wants." Yet, he was always free to do so. Lots going on!


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> It sounds like you've had some personal success and carried the financial load during your marriage. As a result, you feel he needs to just "buck up" and work out his issues. I also sense a lack of respect even though you're very civilized about it. I've felt this way in my marriage, but unfortunately my wife wasn't feeling it. Her needs weren't being met and I needed to work on myself and our relationship.
> 
> What I learned.:
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. Indeed, you are correct. 

I'd love to be able to shout at him, "Snap out of it." But, I cannot. I've never experienced depression or the state he's in, so my perception is that a person can simply make his/her mind up to be positive and follow though. It doesn't work like that. He's not himself right now. 

In fact, I updated my original post. He shared some things with me this week that are major indicators of a deeper depression, possibly in conjunction with a mid-life crisis. He's basically saying contradictory things at this point. He doesn't even know. The one thing he is in control of is his body and exercise, so I think he jumped on that.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

The job market is horrible right now and many middle aged men are suffering across the county because they know that they have very little chance to improve their careers without reinventing themselves dramatically. This is a very hard thing to do for some men and gets more difficult with age. I think women are much better at making career changes are much more suited for modern corporate life. 

Most of us men are wired to protect and provide. Its our purpose in life and when we can't do it we don't feel good about ourselves. I don't think he's feeling very manly at the moment and he's working on himself physically to bolster his manhood. When he talks about selling the house and riding across country he's indicating he does not like his current living arrangement. He wants to ditch the things he thinks are holding him back from being the person he wishes he could be. I've had these same thoughts when I was laid off 2.5 years ago. During this time I started thinking about other women and riding x-country. I began to question everything about my marriage and my life. Eventually, I began to detach from my marriage. I never acted on those thoughts, but boy was I in great shape . I did find a job in three months, but we had to move back to our home state to make it happen. After we moved I worked hard to make my marriage stronger and so far its working out. However, if I was still unemployeed I would most likely be on my way to divorce. Looking back I knew deep inside that I had to find work at any cost to keep my family together. 

I can tell from your posts that you are the "adult" in the relationship. Essentially you are the leader of your family which IMHO eventually blows up marriages due to the reversed dynamic. I would guess that he doesn't think you respect and love him deeply because he doesn't respect himself right now. He sounds like a guy who isn't able to express his emotions so don't be surprised when he starts talking about divorce or seperation. This is what he's contemplating, but hasn't figured out how to make it work or if he really wants it. I think you need to figure out how help him become the leader of your family or he will find another situation where he feels valued in that role. If he's not capable of being the leader then you may have a real problem here. 

I will always be the leader of my family. However, the only way I was able to get my wife to "want" me again was to give her more control of our lives. I showed her a little weakness so that she knew I depended on her and needed her to be happy. This wasn't easy for me, but it was 100% necessary. I should have done it years ago. However, she doesn't always handle it well. Many times I've had to bite my tongue, but in the big picture this is a small price to pay. In your case I'm not sure if you're willing to relinquish some control or show some weakness for the sake of your marriage. If you want to keep your man you may need to put your pride aside and let him lead. I'm not saying you should let him do something stupid like sell a house in this down market but I think you need to find a way to allow him to fulfill his role as a man. 

Peace


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## megan75 (Jun 10, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> The job market is horrible right now and many middle aged men are suffering across the county because they know that they have very little chance to improve their careers without reinventing themselves dramatically. This is a very hard thing to do for some men and gets more difficult with age. I think women are much better at making career changes are much more suited for modern corporate life.
> 
> Most of us men are wired to protect and provide. Its our purpose in life and when we can't do it we don't feel good about ourselves. I don't think he's feeling very manly at the moment and he's working on himself physically to bolster his manhood. When he talks about selling the house and riding across country he's indicating he does not like his current living arrangement. He wants to ditch the things he thinks are holding him back from being the person he wishes he could be. I've had these same thoughts when I was laid off 2.5 years ago. During this time I started thinking about other women and riding x-country. I began to question everything about my marriage and my life. Eventually, I began to detach from my marriage. I never acted on those thoughts, but boy was I in great shape . I did find a job in three months, but we had to move back to our home state to make it happen. After we moved I worked hard to make my marriage stronger and so far its working out. However, if I was still unemployeed I would most likely be on my way to divorce. Looking back I knew deep inside that I had to find work at any cost to keep my family together.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thorough and thoughtful response, especially in conjunction with your experience. I also like that it's a male's perspective.

Yes, I agree--he's obviously struggling with "how" to reinvent himself. Unfortunately, this happened at a time when jobs aren't abundant. People aren't simply throwing cash around these days and using credit for things as they did, say, 5+ years ago. So, even starting his own business may prove challenging, although I'm confident he can do it and succeed. He has to believe in himself, though, which is part of the issue.

"Most of us men are wired to protect and provide." You hit the nail on the head. He's brought this up repeatedly, saying that he doesn't feel like a good provider. He feels like a good protector, but he thinks he drops the ball regarding income and material things. I've never made this an issue. For example, when he brings it up, I remind him that plenty of households survive on double incomes nowadays. I've never complained such that I want to stay home and eat bon bons all day. I'm just not that type of woman, which - I understand from your response - is precisely "why" he may feel at least slightly inadequate as a man.

Indeed, I am the so-called "leader," if you will. Admittedly, I've always been ambitious and independent. At the same time, throughout all these years, I've communicated my feelings and hopes that he would "step up," if you will. Not in those words. For example, I've always handled the finances. Always. I would love for him to be involved and make decisions. Will he get involved? No. He doesn't even want to review them with me. I asked him again the other day, just to see where he's at, and he's not interested. 

We had a very deep and open discussion the other day. He pointed out that he's said for years here and there that he "wants to sell the house," and he's right. He and I both don't want kids, so we're subject to say things like this out of the blue. Things indicating we want some spontaneous change. But, he said it in association with all of the other things, which was what originally worried me. So, this isn't to be dwelled upon, necessarily. 

He also indicated vulnerability regarding if I might leave him over this. He said he loves me, etc. We openly talked about other women, if he wants to have sex with someone else, etc. He said adamantly no. You see, he thinks the world of me, loves me deeply, respects me and my ambition; and accomplishments. He always has. I'm his baby. And, you very intuitively picked up on the fact that he may feel like I don't respect and/or love him as deeply. He hasn't said this, but it's blatantly obvious now. Knowing this, I'm going to focus on ensuring he feels wanted and manly.

Sex is a part of this, too. He didn't say this, but I know sex makes him feel manly. Part of this is that he's a very tall, masculine man, but he feels like he's not well endowed. You see how this is layered, don't you. In knowing this, which I've known for years, I'm working on making sure sex is a box that's super checked, especially right now. I want him to know he's wanted and he's good at it, and that I want it, so I'm not putting up any boundaries at all regarding sex. None. I'm completely submitting, although I haven't verbalized such. He gets what he wants. He's traditional in that area, anyway, so it's not creating problems for me. In fact, I'd like him to be far more dominant in the bedroom, but right now I don't know if I should tell him that. 

The motorcycle is another issue. He really wants one. Positively. He said he wants to either build one from parts or buy one when we can. I think this is reasonable. He wants a tattoo. Fine. I don't mind. Last night, he involved me on that, and I helped him try to figure out what he might want. What I'm noticing is that he keeps talking endlessly about these couple things, as an example. It's almost as if he wants some resistance from me or something. Like, he keeps trying to push the envelope and I'm not biting, in some small way. Maybe that doesn't make sense. Quite frankly, I'm sick of hearing about the tattoo. It's not a big deal. Get the tattoo already! That's how I feel, but I won't say that to him. It's like he holds himself back, if that makes sense. Questions himself too much. 

A large part of this is communication. We've always communicated differently. He said to me the other day that he's much simpler than me. He thinks simple. He communicates simple. Whereas, I'm more complex (yes, I know, men probably say this about women, in general). So, I read into things. I analyze and over-analyze, while he's already stated his peace and that's what he meant. There wasn't something underlying. I understand. And, we talked about how he could've sat down with me peacefully and expressed his love for me and our relationship before delivering his precise feelings right now in conjunction with himself, change, etc. That would've changed my side and how I reacted. Communication truly is key!


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