# my man of 20 years is in love with much younger woman



## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

I am new to the forum but I really would like advice from anyone who has been with their significant other for a long time.

We have known each other for 20 years and went out off and on for the first 4 years then we have been together sence we were 19. We were young and neither one of us had good role modles growing up. We were on the same page in the very beginning but after about a year and a half things started to crash. I didn't know how to show love and affection and he needed alot of affection. We talked about this many times in the beginning years and I never really understood how to give him what he was asking for. I also felt that all he wanted was sex and I was the one with all the responsibilty's hanging over my head and he just came along for the ride. I guess we got to a point where we were maybe to comfortable and I never thought his love for me would change as mine never changed for him. I have always loved him and I felt like he could read my sole and just know.

I decided about 2 years ago that I wasn't happy with how things were between us and I wanted to be more comfortable with showing affection. So I started researching and reading books and it did little to help me. Around christmas last year something clicked and all of a sudden I just could hug him and not feel silly, I could telling him things I was uncomfortable with before. I can't explain it but something within me was changing. He said that he didn't know how to take me it was different and he didn't know how to respond to me. Now he says he feels like I am only doing these things because I feel threatened by this girl. I didn't know about this girl until April but he met her in December of last year. 

It started a few months ago... My boyfriend started going to the bar on Fridays after work then it went up to 3 nights a week. We live an hour away from where he works so it was not like I could just drop in. He started talking about this 23 year old girl (that is 13 years younger then us) and how she was so much like me it was scarry he would say. Everyday he would come home and tell me things she did or things she said that was just like me. He would say "Wow so & so said blah, blah, blah... she is just like you!" 

After a while I started to tell him that I was uncomfortable with his relationship with her as they were going out to lunch together and hanging at the bar after work (yes they work together). He started to avoid me and worry about his appearance the typical "cheater" signs. Well to make a long story short he told me a couple of months ago that he was falling in love with this girl. Then he told her how he was feeling and she said she did not feel the same about him. So he told her that he needed to back off so he didn't get hurt. So he wanted to stop all communication and social time. Well she had a fit started crying and telling him that she didn't want things to change. So he tryed again a couple of weeks later and she did the same thing. 

So I thought he has been trying to get out of this but it turns out that he has been hanging out with her behind my back and is now IN love with her. She made sexual advances toward him and then told him that it wouldn't mean anything if they had sex "it would be just for fun". Well he didn't actually go through with the sex but other things happened and now I feel like he has physically cheated on me as well as emotionally. He has been saying since the beginning of this that he doesn't know how he feels about me, he doesn't have feelings for me. 

So he is heart broken because she doesn't want to be more then friends with him. He confides in me daily telling me how sad he is. I do believe I played a huge role in this I obviously couldn't give him what he needed and I have asked him why he didn't just leave if he was so unhappy and he doesn't really have much to say. Our kids are young and this turmoil in our house is getting very difficult to handle. 

I love him and the thought of being without him is a horrible thing for me to concider. Now I've been heart broken over him for months and I don't know what to do. Is it possible for him to "find" his feelings for me? Could we ever get over this? 
Has anyone ever gone through this? Any advice is welcome.

TIA


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> Around christmas last year something clicked and all of a sudden I just could hug him and not feel silly, I could telling him things I was uncomfortable with before. I can't explain it but something within me was changing. He said that he didn't know how to take me it was different and he didn't know how to respond to me. Now he says he feels like I am only doing these things because I feel threatened by this girl. I didn't know about this girl until April but he met her in December of last year.


I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I would guess since you knew there were issues with you not showing him affection, that you felt something was different around this time he started having feelings for her and probably 'forced' you to take action. I had my own emotional wall at one time that did not come down until my husband met someone at work and started an emotional affair...it came crashing down then, because I knew it had to.


daycaremom said:


> He has been saying since the beginning of this that he doesn't know how he feels about me, he doesn't have feelings for me.
> 
> So he is heart broken because she doesn't want to be more then friends with him. He confides in me daily telling me how sad he is. I do believe I played a huge role in this I obviously couldn't give him what he needed and I have asked him why he didn't just leave if he was so unhappy and he doesn't really have much to say. Our kids are young and this turmoil in our house is getting very difficult to handle.
> 
> ...


It is possible for him to find his feelings again, but not while he is still in contact with TOW as she is clouding his thinking. It is interesting that he compares her to you and in a way that is a good thing...(my ex used to love to tell me how great his new wife is and that she is nothing like me...ha!) It sounds like he has been wanting that closeness with you for a long time.

I would absolutely try to get him to go to marriage counseling with you. He really will need to stop all contact with her and be willing to give your marriage a chance. If you can talk through your issues and he sees that your changes are lasting, he may come around with his feelings, but be ready for a long road ahead. You will need to be able to trust that he is committed to trying and that he isn't hiding anything from you.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Thanks for responding I appreciate your input. 

TOW is a huge factor because she just won't stop. He asked her twice to let him backoff and he told her when he was over his "crush" at the time then they could maybe be friends. But she cries and makes a big deal and made him believe that she felt more for him then she was telling him. After all she is just like me and I didn't "tell" him certain things very often either. So he got in deeper and now is IN love with her and she finally said "I just want to be friends". But she still go's to the bar with him and sends text messages and email.

I even said to him at the beginning that it was weird that she was so much like me. I felt like he was trying to start over with me and he at one time agreed. He has said he has nothing to offer a 23 year old and he doesn't want to deal with the "things" that 23 year olds do yet he didn't stop. He keeps telling me that he doesn't want things to be weird at work so he is doing this diplomatically. 

I tell him that he is pushing me so far away I may not be able to come back and he says "I just don't know what I want" He did a few weeks ago suggest counseling for us.

So my question then would be... How can I ask him to make a commitment to me if he has feelings for her but has nothing for me.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> So my question then would be... How can I ask him to make a commitment to me if he has feelings for her but has nothing for me.


You don't need to give him an ultimatum..."love me or else" but I do think he should be willing to try to give your relationship a chance since you've both invested all of these years and have children together. That is really all you can ask of him, but if he is willing ending contact with TOW is part of it and rebuilding your relationship will take time. See if you can get him to agree to 1 year or 6 months or whatever to give your family a shot.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

I know its a long story but does anyone else have an opinion???


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My situation is similar to yours. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and he moved out back in April. I still love my husband very much, but he doesn't know what he wants. He says he is still 50/50 on staying married or getting a divorce. Unfortunately he strayed and that has clouded his feelings. Of course the other woman is fun to be around; she has no responsibilities. The best advice I can offer is for you to read the book, "The Five Love Languages", and subtly begin using those techniques. Then, hopefully he'll fall in love with you all over again. Also, you may want to get a counselor for you. Speaking from experience, making demands on him (about anything) will only push him farther away. It's tough!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What exactly are you looking for an opinion on? I'm not trying to be snide, but to me, it is unclear. 

Why the hell is he confiding in _you_ that he loves someone else, but is choosing not to end the relationship between you and he?

Here is my 2 cents. This girl gave him attention and affection. Things, that by your own admission, you did not provide over an extended period of time. I am not laying blame - I'm pointing out what I see as the genesis of the issue. I would strongly urge you to seek out a professional to help you and your boyfriend navigate the issues.
Deep down, it sounds like he is fully aware that nothing meaningful can, or will come out of this thing with TOW. But he is fixated on what it represents - the idea of being needed, and desired.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I agree you need to get into counseling ASAP and that is good he is willing. He needs to stop all contact with her. It is hard where he works with her though..As long as he sees her at all it will be next to impossible for you both to move forward and work on the relationship. 

I guess I am lucky my husband's EA woman is across the globe. I told him if he ever goes to China again we are done, and I mean it. That doesn't mean it won't happen again with someone else though. I also asked him to find a job where he doesn't have to travel at extended periods of time (30-60 days each job) anymore and to find a job locally, but that may or may not happen as he makes good money at what he does.

I agree with 827Aug that it is possible for him to find his feelings for you again. An EA does cloud their true feelings deep down with the infatuation. Good luck!


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## Fine (Sep 15, 2008)

my dear daycaremom,

I'm glad you understand that its all becuase of you that he is trying for other girl...
the change should start within you, I WILL tell you this , you and your hubby have very different personalities. while he loves affection, you think its silly! see this is not good, he doesnt see you as a woman he can fall in love with now, he prolly is staying with you in the name of the old time you had together and for the kids only
I bet your sex live suffers too.. and i will tell you, for your guy, sex is very important when you dont satisfy him in that side he will think you dont really love him, even if you said otherwise thousands times. you should make love with him long and more often also make LOVE with all your heart, show him how you desire him.. ITS NOT SILLY TO SHOW EMOTIONS , my dear, why you think so...you will feel a real woman when you do..
i can tell you alot of things too but if you post her i can continue giving advise otherwise i wont lol i'll check the forums later, GOOD luck


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

I did not say I think it's silly to show affection. I said I "felt" silly showing affection. I grew up in a house where I really can't remember hugging my parents, EVER. While my guy had the same upbringing he has handled it differently. It seems as though we have both gone extreme only we went in the opposite direction. He is very "touchy feely" while I spent way to much time being uncomfortable with it.

I have accepted my part in this situation but I do not believe that it is all my fault. He had a choice. He could have left and looked for happiness instead of running around behind my back.

I have a hard time with the "he prolly is staying with you in the name of the old time you had together and for the kids only" If it's about loyalty and the kids then what are the kids learning??? How to have worse relationships then thier parents have?

Just so you know... We both feel that sex between us is a place that we have always connected well. After all that has happened maybe that is all that has been connected.

UPDATE! He has not spoke with TOW for a week now and is refusing to look at her while they are in meetings and so on. We are finally starting to have conversations about US instead of her. 

After all that has happened I don't even know if I want to be with him. What if I still can't give him what he needs? Can I completely trust that this won't happen again? Is it possible to be with him and not think about him being with someone else? Or wanting someone else? Do people ever really get over this?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Are you my sister? Just kidding, but my parents were the same way so I can totally relate to how you feel. However, since I have started showing affection and sharing my thoughts, I have been more happy than I ever have. My husband still works with TOW, and yes, they can get over it. In fact she annoys him now because he felt that she manipulated their conversations to put me in a bad light and frustrated that he got sucked into the whole thing.

I'm so glad you gave us an update and even more glad that it's a good one! The key in moving forward is that you both WANT to give each other what you need. It's not about you scrambling to be what he wants, but that he goes out of his way to make you happy and you do the same for him. You shouldn't feel anxious about it, it should be natural and if it's not, talk to him...'I know it bugs you that I do/don't do this/that but that's hard for me...I want to get better at that but please be patient'....My husband doesn't expect me to cater to him or completely go out of my comfort zone to please him...he just wants to know he is loved and appreciated. I think the feeling of being unloved/unappreciated sets in when you don't acknowledge the way he thinks/feels. When you know there's an issue but you don't know how to fix it, so you bury it and hope it goes away...and that's when resentment and the feeling of 'she just doesn't care' sets in.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Our situations seem very similar. My guy is mad at TOW because he felt she manipulated him. He started to vent to her as a "friend" and the next thing you know she is doing these things for him that he said he needed from me. Rubbing his arm while they were in the car going to lunch talking about HIS interests.
Then when it was time to pay the check he would pay. When she needed some work done she would ask him to do it instead of going through the proper channels that took longer to get results. She would lead him to believe she cared for him more then she did. 

He feels used by her and feels like he got "sucked in" also. He has said that his feelings for her are changing everyday. He has lost respect for her and is slowly losing the "love" for her. I still feel like it was more infatuation then love but that could just be wishful thinking.

How do you stand there and say goodby to your hubby everyday knowing that he is going to be around her? I get horrible anxiety every night just knowing that at anytime she could talk to him and I feel like he could just run off with her if she said "let's go".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> How do you stand there and say goodby to your hubby everyday knowing that he is going to be around her? I get horrible anxiety every night just knowing that at anytime she could talk to him and I feel like he could just run off with her if she said "let's go".


I know exactly what you mean & the ideal solution is for him to get another job but that's not my reality either. Initially, it was more difficult because I was still having some really bad days thinking about his emotional affair and that was compounded by worrying whether my moods would drive him right back into her arms. 

I don't know, I guess I got to the point where I just let it go. He knows where I stand and that I could not deal with this again within our marriage. Beyond that, I can't control decisions he makes. 

I can and did put our marriage first and moved forward (it's been over a year so that took time) and am at the point now where if he ever decided to go back to 'that' then he is crazy and my life can be crazy enough without a crazy husband so that would be that.


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## lonelywife2 (Sep 23, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> How do you stand there and say goodby to your hubby everyday knowing that he is going to be around her? I get horrible anxiety every night just knowing that at anytime she could talk to him and I feel like he could just run off with her if she said "let's go".


This is such a tough one! My husband had an emotional affair with a woman from his film school (they also worked together outside of school until I fired her from our business). It used to tear me up that he would see her everyday at school, and I was stuck at home raising our 4 young kids. I would have to force myself to not think about it because I would literally feel sick to my stomach when he would leave for school. 

I made the decision to stay with him though, so I felt like I had to be careful about not hounding him for info when he would call to check on me during his breaks in between classes. 

He has since graduated from school, and I dont worry about her quite as much now that he doesn't see her on a daily basis. I know that if he really wants to see her, then he is going to find a way so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt that when he leaves the house he isn't sneaking off to be with her. 

I think your boyfriend really needs to find a new job. My husband supposedly ended all contact with TOW, and I haven't found any evidence in the last few months to suggest that he has been in contact with her. Without him having no contact with her for a while, it's going to be very difficult for the two of you to work things out. 

Good luck to you. I know how painful it is. It's been several months since I discovered my husband's emotional affair, and I still haven't recovered.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Another update. Not so good this time. About two weeks ago he felt like he needed to "explain" to her why he was ignoring her then of course he kissed her. She said she didn't mind kissing him then he went on and on about boundries and such. He started thinking why would she want to kiss me if she doesn't want to be with me??? So he ignored her for a week. 
Then he felt like she was not professional with him during a work interaction so he sent her an email then she sent him an email then the next thing you know they are out to lunch together. 

He keeps telling me that it's over "she doesn't want him". He will not say he doesn't still want her though. As a matter of fact he told me today that I am being rediculous for expecting him to cut off all nonwork related interactions and that if she asked him to go to a movie or something he would go with her. He says she is his friend and that is not going to change. 

After alot of other things were said I again told him that he needs to leave our home. I have been reading up on these things and it seems as though he will never apprechiate me or realize what he is doing until i'm gone. Dr. Phil says that "people like me" have allowed him to treat me this way for a long time and he is not going to change it unless or until something shakes him enough to wake up.

I put my foot down and I am trying to keep it planted. I don't want my family to fall apart but living like this seems worse then living without the constant chatter and hurtfull things flying around.

I'm scared for my financial situation, I'm scared for my kids security and emotional well being and most of all I think I'm afraid of the thought of being alone.

Looking for strength and encouragement if you have any to share 

Thanks for listening/reading.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> I'm scared for my financial situation, I'm scared for my kids security and emotional well being and most of all I think I'm afraid of the thought of being alone.


I am currently in my 2nd marriage and when my first marriage ended, I was alone with 3 small children so I understand your fears. What helped me the most during that time was being close to my family and friends. Do you have people you can lean on for support? I was able to get through it and based on your partner's recent actions he isn't leaving you much choice. I think you are making the right decision by putting your foot down, because unless he makes the decision on his own to end it with her, you will be 'stuck' and not in a good place for who knows how long.

I'm sorry to hear of this latest update because it puts you in a difficult position to make life-changing decisions, but the route you are taking will keep YOU in tact. Stay strong.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Thanks for responding!

Unfortunatly I don't have a large support system. I have two people that are not in close proximity and this forum  

We moved away from our families a few years ago and he commutes to work. He says he will help but I feel like that will just be one more thing he can hang over my head and he could stop that just because I don't conform to his wishes. I am working through some things to come up with a plan and I know in the end my kids and I will be fine. I just see a long road ahead of me.

Thanks for your support!


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