# Toddler "stressed" by working parents, childcare arrangement?



## John Lee

I work about 55-60 hrs a week, my wife works 35 plus is in school part-time. Weekdays our toddler is with grandparents two days, part-time nanny three days, and then evenings I'm with the toddler two days and both of us are home three days. We spend weekends together but it's not uncommon for one or both of us to have to get some work done on the weekend too.

We've had this arrangement about two months now, and I feel like I notice a change in my 20-month-old -- she seems less happy, more anxious, a little more clingy to mom when she's there, more tantrumy. I can't really tell whether I'm seeing the effects of stress or just the onset of "terrible twos." It's not like the toddler is unhappy all the time, just more than before (she was really well-adjusted for a long time). 

I guess my questions are (1) is our arrangement bad for our child? Is it possible that the constant switches between parents/grandparents/nanny are too much for her? (2) is there anything we can do to lessen the stress of the situation if we don't change it? (3) is it possible I'm just letting my parental guilt talk and that there's actually nothing all that wrong here?


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## EleGirl

This could be everything from her adjusting to not being with her mother as much as before to someone she's with is causing a problem.

Looking at each person who watches her.. how is she after each?

Does she behave differently after she's with the nanny (or any other one)? 

HOw well do you know the nanny?


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## John Lee

EleGirl said:


> This could be everything from her adjusting to not being with her mother as much as before to someone she's with is causing a problem.
> 
> Looking at each person who watches her.. how is she after each?
> 
> Does she behave differently after she's with the nanny (or any other one)?
> 
> HOw well do you know the nanny?


We got good references for the nanny, we have a nanny cam, and we have had friends observe them at the park. We got very good reports from the observers at the park and see good things on the cam. We tried another one who we did not have good results with. Our toddler has had some negative reaction to the nanny's morning arrival, but it has already lessened from a long crying fit to just a brief protest followed by happily going over to play with the nanny before I even leave the house. 

The toddler loves her grandparents and doesn't even notice when I leave when with them. It's actually when mom IS there that I notice the most conflict, almost like she's angry at mom for not being there more. She had mom all to herself for the first 1.5 years of her life, so maybe you're right that it's just the adjustment.


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## PBear

I don't know if it's "bad" or not, but it sure doesn't seem optimal. I think a child needs stability and consistency. And having so many caretakers means that's not possible. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

There are two issues with other people 1) is that other person doing something harmful to you child. 2) Does your child just not like that other person. 

It's most likely just adjustment. She misses her mother and a consistent care taker.


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## John Lee

PBear said:


> I don't know if it's "bad" or not, but it sure doesn't seem optimal. I think a child needs stability and consistency. And having so many caretakers means that's not possible.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, this is one of my concerns as well. The problem is her grandparents can't do five days a week and the nanny would be too expensive five days a week (and we wouldn't be able to afford my wife's schooling without her working). We could do full-time daycare instead, but then she would miss the time with her grandparents, and I'm not sure the daycare would be better than one-on-one interaction at her age.

I feel a bit stuck about this. Perhaps I need to bring it up to my wife after her semester ends -- I don't want to do it now because of the stress, but I don't know that our current arrangement is good long term. 

Do you folks think having consistent daycare five days a week would be better even if it meant less time with her grandparents?


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## EleGirl

John Lee said:


> Yes, this is one of my concerns as well. The problem is her grandparents can't do five days a week and the nanny would be too expensive five days a week (and we wouldn't be able to afford my wife's schooling without her working). We could do full-time daycare instead, but then she would miss the time with her grandparents, and I'm not sure the daycare would be better than one-on-one interaction at her age.
> 
> I feel a bit stuck about this. Perhaps I need to bring it up to my wife after her semester ends -- I don't want to do it now because of the stress, but I don't know that our current arrangement is good long term.
> 
> Do you folks think having consistent daycare five days a week would be better even if it meant less time with her grandparents?


If you have loving family who will watch her, it's better than daycare. She might react ever worse to the daycare as it's very impersonal.


Except... does she ever get to play with other children? This is the one advantage that day care has.


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## Mavash.

My kids respond to MY stress.

Having a toddler, working 35 hours a week AND going to school would be too much for ME therefore it would be too much for them too.

Took a long time for me to come to peace with that but I did.

If I'm okay they are okay.


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## John Lee

Mavash. said:


> My kids respond to MY stress.
> 
> Having a toddler, working 35 hours a week AND going to school would be too much for ME therefore it would be too much for them too.
> 
> Took a long time for me to come to peace with that but I did.
> 
> If I'm okay they are okay.


This makes sense to me. My wife is very stressed out now. I am thinking that we might look at a couple of options when the semester is over:

1) If I can find a better paying job, perhaps she can take more time off working (we want another child eventually anyway, and perhaps another prolonged childcare leave would be ideal). I know of some potential leads, the tradeoff being that the jobs might be even more demanding and I would have even less family time. But it was really good for our toddler to have her mom home for so long.

or

2) After this semester, maybe she can scale back her school schedule a little. This would reduce the cost burden as well as give her more time with our toddler and make her less stressed when there.


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## Anon Pink

Some kids just don't deal with transitions well. Some kids are ready go as soon as they hear the keys jingle.

Your daughters developmental age also plays a big role in things. The transition from summer to winter and the necessary clothing could play a role. Her mastery of new skills coincided with new routine hence the regression aspect.

You really haven't given enough details to jump to any conclusions. But one thing I have certainly seen over and over and over, parents frequently fall into the trap of seeing what gives credence to their own issues.

For instance, you have a thread in which you talk of your resentment about your wife's degree program and her work/study schedule. Do you think you might be attributing normal childhood behavior to issues you have with your wife? Please understand, many parents do this and they don't see they're doing it until someone else points it out. So I'm trying, though likely failing, to say this in a gentle way. You could be reading something into nothing.


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## John Lee

Anon Pink said:


> For instance, you have a thread in which you talk of your resentment about your wife's degree program and her work/study schedule. Do you think you might be attributing normal childhood behavior to issues you have with your wife? Please understand, many parents do this and they don't see they're doing it until someone else points it out. So I'm trying, though likely failing, to say this in a gentle way. You could be reading something into nothing.


This is a very good insight and something I should probably keep in mind. Thanks.


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## frusdil

Could your wife defer her schooling until your daughter is a bit older? It'd only mean waiting a couple of years.

Or could you work part time? 

I don't think the situation is harmful for your daughter but it's certainly not ideal...I really think until babies are 2 years old, they need their mum or dad all the time...then changes can be phased in slowly. A little bit of time away from mum and dad can help build their confidence and independence...but too much can make them super clingy.


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## RoseAglow

Can you afford a good daycare? A good one is not impersonal. It will have pretty stable staff and small classes. 20 months old is good time because she will be other kids. My son (today is his 3rd birthday) has thrived. 

My MIL has her day with our son every other week (she works so this fits her schedule); she picks him up from daycare after his nap and they spend the afternoon/dinner together. My mom can't wait to retire to do the same thing (her schedule isn't as flexible as my MIL's). 

In other words, you can do daycare and still have lots of grandparent time. 

Stability is good. A good daycare center is a boon. It can be a place of stability for your child, even as your job changes, your wife's job changes, etc. In his short life my son has gone through three changes in residence, witnessed his dad having a "VERY big boo-boo" and being off his feet for 4 months, walking with crutches and a cane and on painkillers and out of work, he has seen his dad's shift change multiple times which has dramatically changed the amount of time they get to spend together, and he has had to be without me for a few days at a time for my job. 

In all that, he has always gone to daycare, or "school" as he knows it, nearly every weekday. He has had the same teachers for 2 years. He has been with a core group of kids for that entire time. So even with all the stuff going on, my son has not appeared to be affected by it. He has taken it all in stride, so to speak. The only times he really seems "off"' is when he is sick. 

Also, he LOVES school, he runs in most mornings, and he doesn't want to leave most afternoons. He sees his friends and classmates- and some of the "big kids"" he knows from the upper "grades", around town, in community playgrounds, etc. It's a good set-up.

Whereas when I was growing up, it was normal for mom and kids to be at-home. Now, the neighborhood kids hang out in daycare. It's a "new normal"'. 

You guys are really juggling right now, and that alone is stressful. It might be helpful and less stressful for you to have your own stable schedule. 

Therefore, I think the daycare option deserves some consideration. But make sure it is a good one, licensed, well-recommended, etc.


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## John Lee

Yes, we're considering a full-time daycare once she's at the age requirement for the good one in our area -- it's similar in cost for full-time care to what we pay now for a part-time nanny. I do think it might be easier to have the same thing every day instead of so much juggling. Maybe even easier on her, because she would know what to expect every day instead of it being a surprise.


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## Wiltshireman

Another vote for full time daycare from me.

I may be biased as my wife runs a childcare business from our home but as you do not know who I am I am sure people will not take this as an advertisement.

In the 8-9 years my wife has been a paid childcare provider (UK OFSTED registered child minder) I have noticed that those children that have regular schedules tend to adjust more quickly than those who only come on odd days, this is especially true for under 3's or children with special needs. 

I would think that the range of providers in the US is similar and you will find a correlation between the price you pay (p/h) and the adult to child ration. IMHO for little kids small groups work best.

We have one special needs boy who has been coming to my wife for over 7 years and he is like one of our family and thinks of our house as his own.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yet another vote on consistency in caregivers. My daughter was in a lovely private daycare (that is, not one of the chains, one location owned by a super nice woman who had a degree in education and language pathology). It had a tree-filled playground, homemade style lunch meals and a great balance of learning and play.

The other thing to consider is around 2-3 for many kids is the time they realize whoa - mom is another PERSON! They aren't an extension of the child. During this time there is often a phase of separation anxiety. consistency will help with this because they'll learn every time you leave - like magic you always come BACK!

During this time familiarity such as objects and locations (same rooms/house/etc) is really important. If your child knew they only had 2 spaces - daycare and home - and that it was the same every day that would be very soothing to have everything predictable. Kids really like to be able to predict. And start talking about where you go so they know you're going to daycare or going home. Letting them know what to expect takes the stress out of leaving home.


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## Jennifer871

PBear said:


> I don't know if it's "bad" or not, but it sure doesn't seem optimal. I think a child needs stability and consistency. And having so many caretakers means that's not possible.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^^^^^

This!


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## yours4ever

Read psychology: attachment theory

For the second time, i left my 10 mo son to my in laws for half a day, returned and he hugged me unusually tight, twice, before he stretched his arms, looked at me and shouted incoherent words.. As if to say, "where were you?!" ..

Now 11mo, just recently, I left him at in laws for two hours, for an aerobic exercise, came back to a son staring at me silently, both of us didn't react for a long time.. I reached out to carry him but he turned away and avoided eye contact... 

Just sharing. 

Whatever your decision, DO NOt put your child at day care.
I would say the best would be grandparents take care half day, the other half your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever

How a child is raised in the early years will affect her relationship with other people. 
She Needs a loyal caretaker to learn trust and to learn how to be comfortable with emotional intimacy, and to know she is wanted at all times. 

Anyway, checkout daycaresdontcare.org
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mark33

I am in a similar situation. My wife and I are on different schedules. Its tough on all of us cause its hard for us to all be together at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman

I think that the most important thing for little kids is that they have some consistency in their routine.

I was very lucky as a child my mum was a SAHM who was there for us (myself and siblings) whenever we needed / wanted her and even once we had all started school she only worked part time so that she could pick the younger ones up herself + be there for the rest of us when we got home.

I know that for many (myself included) the family finances would not work with a single breadwinner so finding childcare that is value for the money without sacrificing the quality of care is a high priority.


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