# Don't know how to handle this situation



## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

I am having all kinds of marriage problems, and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse my wife who is suffering from depression told me something that has turned my life upside down! She had been confiding in her Step Father who has always helped her a lot since her Mother died 8 tears ago, anyhow aparrently a month or so ago he was at our house talking to my wife (his Step Daughter) whilst I was at work, he then made a pass at her trying to kiss and touch her!! I knew something was wrong and she eventually told me, but she wants me to act normally when he visits and not to say anything as she wants him to stay in contact with our children. I am furious and want to tell him never to come to my house again and to stay away from my wife and family. What should I do? And how can I possibly act like nothing has happened when I see him?? But at the same time I don't want to make things worse in my marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ew. Why the hell does she still want a scuzzball like that around?

Are your children girls? How old are they? If he crossed the line with your wife, how do you know he won't eventually do the same with them??


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Why does she want him in contact with your children?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Groundhog said:


> I am having all kinds of marriage problems, and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse my wife who is suffering from depression told me something that has turned my life upside down! She had been confiding in her Step Father who has always helped her a lot since her Mother died 8 tears ago, anyhow aparrently a month or so ago he was at our house talking to my wife (his Step Daughter) whilst I was at work,* he then made a pass at her trying to kiss and touch her*!! I knew something was wrong and she eventually told me, but she wants me to act normally when he visits and not to say anything as she wants him to stay in contact with our children. I am furious and want to tell him never to come to my house again and to stay away from my wife and family. What should I do? And how can I possibly act like nothing has happened when I see him?? But at the same time I don't want to make things worse in my marriage.


I'd be going to jail.....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The step father may well be the reason your wife is depressed if he’s been abusing her. These things don’t just happen over night after all that time, your wife may well just be showing you the tip of the iceberg.

You need to dig deeper, be understanding, kind, patient and tolerant and get your wife to see a counsellor if she can’t open up to you. Also put some VARs in your home so you can hear what’s going on while you’re not there. You can also put sim based alarm systems in. They are very inexpensive and you can call into them to listen in on what’s going on. You need to do this as your wife may well fear your reaction should you discover the truth of what may be going on and so wont tell you.

The step father has not only massively betrayed your wife but he’s also massively betrayed you. Personally he would never step foot in my home again. That’s a boundary I wouldn’t tolerate being broken even a second time.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Why would you allow any man to do that to your wife and not respond?

In your house, with your wife, and she wants you to lose your balls at the same time?

That's where you need to start fixing your marriage.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> Why would you allow any man to do that to your wife and not respond?
> 
> *In your house*, with your wife, and she wants you to lose your balls at the same time?
> 
> That's where you need to start fixing your marriage.


OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO I missed that.... no... no way... at the LEAST it'd be a physical confrontation.... 

Wow... I'm actually livid.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

AFEH said:


> The step father may well be the reason your wife is depressed if he’s been abusing her. These things don’t just happen over night after all that time, your wife may well just be showing you the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> You need to dig deeper, be understanding, kind, patient and tolerant and get your wife to see a counsellor if she can’t open up to you. Also put some VARs in your home so you can hear what’s going on while you’re not there. You can also put sim based alarm systems in. They are very inexpensive and you can call into them to listen in on what’s going on. You need to do this as your wife may well fear your reaction should you discover the truth of what may be going on and so wont tell you.
> 
> The step father has not only massively betrayed your wife but he’s also massively betrayed you. Personally he would never step foot in my home again. That’s a boundary I wouldn’t tolerate being broken even a second time.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Groundhog, Read this twice!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Groundhog said:


> *I am having all kinds of marriage problems*, and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse my wife who is suffering from depression told me something that has turned my life upside down! *She had been confiding in her Step Father who has always helped her a lot since her Mother died 8 tears ago*, anyhow aparrently a month or so ago he was at our house talking to my wife (his Step Daughter) whilst I was at work, he then made a pass at her trying to kiss and touch her!! I knew something was wrong and she eventually told me, but she wants me to act normally when he visits and not to say anything as *she wants him to stay in contact with our children*. I am furious and want to tell him never to come to my house again and to stay away from my wife and family. What should I do? And how can I possibly act like nothing has happened when I see him?? But at the same time I don't want to make things worse in my marriage.


Get a paternity test done. In secret so your wife doesn’t know.


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## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

Thankyou for all your replies, it has confirmed that I am right not to want him in my house or anywhere near my wife and kids ever again. My main concern at the moment is to repair my marriage, that is the only thing that has stopped me from confronting him as I don't want to do something I may regret. My wife hasn't gone into any details as to what happened, I was hoping it was just a one off and he tried to kiss or touch her, but maybe as some have posted this is just the tip of the iceberg? Thankyou again for all your help!!


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

I may be old-fashioned, but I would worry if my H *did not* act swiftly and finally on that issue in my behalf--especially because I'm not capable of protecting myself and my children due to illness. The nerve of that creep to come in your home and abuse your family! Someone would need a doctor, or at least a dentist. Dear Lord. SMH.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

How old is the Step-Father? Any history of Alzheimers or Dementia? Symptoms of both include erratic behavior like this.

Regardless, he can't be alone with your wife again, at least in your house and certainly not with your children.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am with AFEH.

Your wife is an adult, so there is no immediate connection that he is a pedophile, and thus a threat to your kids. But, as has been said this seems like an odd thing to suddenly have happen for a first time. In other words, I agree that this is a red flag that he has abused/raped your wife in the past. Which does put your kids at risk if true.

Your wife is probably scared to death that her step father will find out she told you what happened. And perhaps what your wife told you is not literally true what happened that day but instead she is trying to tell you he abused/raped her in the past. Anyhow I think you need to get to the bottom of this.

VARs and nanny-cams in the house make sense to me.

You need to be sensitive to your wife right now. She is probably scared and traumatized, and perhaps suffering from child sex abuse/assault. You can tell her gently that you are there to protect and support her, that you will not let anybody hurt her, you, or the kids. She may have been threatened in the past by him. You can ask her if he has ever done anything like this before, or anything inappropriate.

Realize that she will be worried that you will find her dirty, shameful, and unwanted should she reveal past abuse/assault. This is probably your biggest hurdle in getting her to open up if anything has happened in the past. So you should ease into this conversation and be very supportive. Try to keep any negative emotions suppressed even though you will feel anger and disgust at her step dad for what he has done that you already know about. She may take your negative emotions as being aimed at her.


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## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

Thanks guys, the step dad is 65 and my wife has just turned 40, I don't think he suffers from any kind of dementia. Unfortunately things have got worse at home today as my wife has told me that she is leaving me, I am devastated as I love my wife deeply and don't know what I can do, we have 2 children aged 5 and 13, I'm desperate to keep us together as a family but I think it is now too late.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd be keeping the kids far away from that creep! You need to protect your children!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

she is the one who needs to know what is IS GOING TO DO to your marriage if she trys to force you to keep a preadtor like that around. she should be ashamed. i wouldnt want my kids around that and if you dont, put your foot down., your marriage is just as important as your children either she can kick him out of the picture or if i was you id take me and the kids out of it. that may be radh but who knows what he will do to another family member...


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

for your sake i hope that she isnt leaving you for the stepdad.

i really feel for you right now.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> for your sake i hope that she isnt leaving you for the stepdad.
> 
> i really feel for you right now.


Oh, but she is. That's the beauty of being the marriage confidant to the abused step-daughter.

DNA the kids. Put hidden cameras in your house. VAR her car. GPS it, too. PI or do your own surveillance. You don't want her having custody while shacked up with her abuser.

Remember, in affairspeak confessions a kiss = sex.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

what is this? is this off of another post? i just wanted ot know so icould read it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Groundhog said:


> Thanks guys, the step dad is 65 and my wife has just turned 40, I don't think he suffers from any kind of dementia. Unfortunately things have got worse at home today as my wife has told me that she is leaving me, I am devastated as I love my wife deeply and don't know what I can do, we have 2 children aged 5 and 13, I'm desperate to keep us together as a family but I think it is now too late.


I think you may come to find that you are in love with the image of your wife you have in your mind. That as time goes by you will discover that the image you have of your wife is very different to the woman she actually is.

You need to get away from your ego for a while so you’re not blinded by it and all its associated investments, history, wants, needs and emotions. So you can really see and understand what it is that’s going on around you.

You get away from your ego by using your observer consciousness. You simply switch into a mode of behaving like a scientist, you just watch and observe your wife’s body language and behaviour over time and things that your ego cannot see will be revealed to you. If you are not used to doing this sort of thing then read Awareness by Anthony de Mello.

You really do need to know the “truth” of what’s been going on and what is going on in your wife’s life. Yes, her life is exceptionally different to yours.

It sounds to me that your wife and her step father have in the very least a very deep and long emotional relationship, at least eight years. So he has been right at the very centre of your marriage for nearly a decade at the very least. I feel that your wife telling you about what happened recently with him is her way of showing you the future, although done in a very strange way. She’s kind of telling you “Hey. There’s another man in my life who wants me”.

Put VARs in your home and get those paternity tests done on your children. You may well not like what you discover but discover it you must for your own peace of mind, not just for now but for decades into your future as well.

It really is time to take your wife off of that pedestal you have her on.


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## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

Thankyou for the replies it is really good to be able to talk about this with you guys. I am 99.9% sure that my wife is not having an affair with her Step-Father, but I am 100% sure that there is another man involved which I am finding very hard to cope with, even though she denies anyone else is involved. As for my two children I have absolutely no doubt that they are mine. I really am still in love with her, and have no idea what to do.. I really want us to stay together as a familly, but she says that this is not possible and she wants me to leave the house, I have told her that I am not going anywhere and that I'm going to stay to look after the children. God this really is an awful situation to be in after 21 years together, not sure how I'm going to get through this. thanks for listening.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Assuming that you wouldn’t let a man who you knew to be lusting after your wife anywhere near her let alone into the sanctity of your own home, how on earth can you say you’re 99.9% certain she’s not cheating with him?

You’ve had the man around you for how long? Decades? And yet STILL you could not read him. Just how you can say you’re certain of “anything” that goes on around you is way beyond my understanding. You are blind man. Blind to what goes on around you!

This is what I mean by you must get away from your ego and develop a new type of awareness! A new type of consciousness.

Look. That guy, the one you’ve had around you for so long lusting after your wife. You didn’t “catch it”. Which makes you blind. Get it?

And if you cannot read a man lusting after your wife, a thing men are built to recognise in their gut such that alarm signals go off all over the place, how on earth do you think you can read your wife?

I reckon you’re probably in a very big denial.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Assuming that you wouldn’t let a man who you knew to be lusting after your wife anywhere near her let alone into the sanctity of your own home, how on earth can you say you’re 99.9% certain she’s not cheating with him?
> 
> You’ve had the man around you for how long? Decades? And yet STILL you could not read him. Just how you can say you’re certain of “anything” that goes on around you is way beyond my understanding. You are blind man. Blind to what goes on around you!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Furthermore, you are right in assuming that there is another man...she has told you as much: her STEP-FATHER!!! If there hasn't been abuse/sex between them, they (and you have to at least see this one) have been having an Emotional Affair. 

WAKE UP and STOP BEING the victim here for you and your kids sake!!!! You do need to start looking deeper into this with the knowledge that you will not like what you will find. We all here hope this isn't true for your sake, but you need to be 100% positive with proof here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Absolutely the right move refusing to leave. Make sure you also refuse to pay for her leaving since it would be tonly so she can have the freedom to hookup with the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Groundhog said:


> My main concern at the moment is to repair my marriage, that is the only thing that has stopped me from confronting him as I don't want to do something I may regret.


This is what is wrong. You have set yourself up with an impossible and misguided goal. You cannot repair your marriage. You can repair yourself. You can make yourself a better man. Your wife might respond, she might not.

Your marriage can only be repaired if both of you commit to an honest process of rebuilding.

Instead, you have sabotaged your ability to fix any problems because your Prime Directive is to avoid divorce. You will do anything to meet that goal!

I suggest you think in terms of boundaries. Your life, your marriage, and your kids' lives are castles. What will you allow within the walls of those castles? What will you toss back over the walls to the outside if you discover it inside the walls? This is where your power is to effect changes and improvements. Your wife may or may not respond the way you hope, but by having good boundaries you will ensure that those castles are as healthy and happy as is possible under the circumstances.

You cannot Nice your wife back. You cannot be Nice enough to prevent her step dad from being inappropriate with her or with your kids.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Thor, interesting with your castle analogy. As an Englishman, my Home is my Castle, my Castle my Home. I am to write something about that. About how the Man as King of his Castle, how he protects its boundaries, the people within and keeps a weathered eye on what goes on inside its walls.


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## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

Thankyou for helping, although I really don't think you can call me blind for not suspecting my 65 year old father-in-law of lusting after his own step-daughter! There really were no signs and it came as a complete shock when my wife told me!! I have made it quite clear to my wife that he is not welcome in our house or anywhere near the kids ever again, and I think he has been told this as he hasn't phoned since my wife told me about it. I have told my wife that I want us to stay together and work things out, but she is insisting that we are finished and that I should leave, it is very upsetting to be in the same house as someone you love deperately, but are unable to show her any affection and also to see the cold way which she looks at me now, but I am trying to be strong and have repeated to her that I am not leaving the house and I am pepared to do anything it takes to keep us and our family together, but at the moment it seems that this is unlikely to happen.


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## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

Thor said:


> I suggest you think in terms of boundaries. Your life, your marriage, and your kids' lives are castles. What will you allow within the walls of those castles? What will you toss back over the walls to the outside if you discover it inside the walls? This is where your power is to effect changes and improvements. Your wife may or may not respond the way you hope, but by having good boundaries you will ensure that those castles are as healthy and happy as is possible under the circumstances.
> .


 Thanks for this great advice!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Thor, interesting with your castle analogy. As an Englishman, my Home is my Castle, my Castle my Home. I am to write something about that. About how the Man as King of his Castle, how he protects its boundaries, the people within and keeps a weathered eye on what goes on inside its walls.



AFEH, I was specifically picturing Warwick Castle when I wrote that post. My family comes from England and many relatives are still there. We visit frequently. I have photos of me and my siblings as young children with my parents and grandparents in Warwick Castle and Kenilworth Castle, and now we have photos of my kids with me and their grandparents in the same spots in those castles.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Not only shouldn't your wife allow her SF to get in the house again, but she should also INFORM HER MOTHER who was nearly cheated on by her husband. It's a moral duty to let her know what he tried to do with her.
If I were in her shoes, I'd let my mom know right away and open her eyes about the kind of man she's dealing with.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

double post. internet problems.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Mother is deceased.

Your wife is not the woman you fell in love with. She's been replaced by what is living in your house now. The fact that she is not leaving and has asked you to leave sounds like she blames you for something.

What were the problems?


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## Groundhog (Jul 9, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Not only shouldn't your wife allow her SF to get in the house again, but she should also INFORM HER MOTHER who was nearly cheated on by her husband. It's a moral duty to let her know what he tried to do with her.
> If I were in her shoes, I'd let my mom know right away and open her eyes about the kind of man she's dealing with.


Unfortunately my wifes Mum died 8 years ago.


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