# Dont know what to do anymore...



## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

Hello, I'm new here and I really need some advice !
I am 66 years old and have been married to my husband for 33 years..
It was a third marriage for me and I came into this marriage with children.
Throughout the marriage I always felt unloved when it mattered most .
My husband is s good guy !!! comes home every night ( now)..
And takes on the responsibility of our home repairs that seam endless.
my/our children are all grown and living on there own...
The big issue for me is how sad and emotionally abandoned I feel almost all the time ..
He never says he loves me... he never just reaches out to hold my hand... at night he goes to his den has a few beers and I go to my den and read or watch a movie.
Our sex live has never been satisfying for me because of the lack of emotional intimacy. 

About two years ago I was ready to leave. I found a house I could afford and was planing on finding happiness elsewhere.
Then he came to me with tears and showed emotion and sorrow. so I stayed ! and for a few weeks things were good.
But like all patterns. things returned to the very sterile situation it always was .... 

Last May ( out of deep depression and pain) I decided to try to change things with us for good ~
I booked a romantic weekend and told him we were going....
I told him how I felt about everything ...
The weekend didn't go great.. I cried almost the whole trip.
One of the issues is I have noticed a huge change in our sex life.
He use to TRY to at least try to please me sexually in the bedroom.... now it seams like he avoided doing the things he use to do and was really just doing what he felt necessary to do to be able to please himself !
When we talked about this that weekend he told me that because I had gained weight it did have a affect on him.
This crushed me !!!!
I have always been super thin my whole life... even childbirth didn't change that...
But it seamed with menopause I gained almost 40 extra pounds and I also hated how I looked !!!
I just couldn't bear to hear it from him that my extra pounds could make him love me less !!!

After that weekend I planed another weekend that seamed to go better, but again in the bedroom I I now felt fat and ugly.. Also the things he use to do still did not return ... ( and I took that as his repulsion of me).
Then we got a wedding invitation for a wedding for one of my husbands co workers.
He was close to this guy in work so I just assumed we would attend this wedding...
My husband said we were not going to the wedding, and when I pushed him for a answer of why not his response was that the fellow he carpools with wife just lost all this weight !
I felt like someone just smashed me in the heart with a huge bolder !!! HE WAS ASHAMED to be seen with me!
The damage this did to me has not been repaired at all !!!
I was devastated and he saw that....
He even did something he never does... he apologized to me for hurting me !
He has never still made me feel like he didn't mean it !!!
hes sorry he said it... but clearly its true right ?

So now were having big issues in the bedroom. 
I feel his lack of desire to try to please me in bed as a direct admission of how he feels about me sexually .. 
And I in return can think of nothing else in bed with him except that I'm repulsive to him..and therefore I hate for him to even touch me now !
Yet I still want him to love me and make love to me, but I cant have that with how I'm feeling...

He don't seam to have a clue that this is a huge issue for me.. and if he does know then he really don't seam to care ! it has become unbearable for me....I'm hurt beyond words... 
I stay awake and just cry..and he don't even come out of the bedroom to comfort me or ask why I'm so upset !

For many years we had our own bedrooms due to my menopause and the need for the room to be cold ! I also could care less if we had sex back then or not !!
Then about a year and a half ago that all changed for me and I wanted my husband and a loving marriage ..
feelings that I thought were gone all returned and I now needed his affection more then ever !!

We talked about all this and I thought he understood... he said he did and for a few short weeks things get good then there right back to the same place !

Tonight I notice my husband went back into his bedroom that he has not slept in for many many months now...
I think its because he knew it was Saturday night and he might feel obligated to try to have sex with me and wanted to avoid it at all costs !
I had also gone to bed much earlier tonight to avoid being in the situation to have sex.. so he was safe and didn't know it!
Or maybe he just don't even want to share our bed anymore....

Any way I'm lost, sad and I just don't know what to do anymore....
When I need him he is not there for me emotionally.... 
He seams to want to talk about things after I have "risen from the ashes" and now have turned so cold towards him that I'm ready to finally move on!

For the past month I have gotten myself sick ! my body hurts from the physical pain of this stress... I cry all the time ( by myself)...but even if he knew i was crying he would just turn away anyway!( that's what he always does)
This week as I ran conditioner through my hair, globs of my hair fell out onto my hands !!! 
I never had that happen before..
This stress is taking over my body in ways I cant control.and my thoughts about the rest of my life are very negative !

Is this the end? is divorce or separation the only thing left?
And how do I move on from this? I still want and need him so badly... but now my self esteem is destroyed ~and iI'm heartbroken and to week emotionally right now to even move out !


*EDIT*: it is now 4:41 am and I have a new feeling about it all !!!
He chose to leave our bedroom! he made this comment again just the other day !
How much more abandoned by him does he think I'm suppose to endure?
Well I have had enough!!!
I will move anything that's his back into HIS bedroom in the morning !!!
I will lock my bedroom door so it is no longer a revolving door !!!!
I will pick up the pieces of my life and move the hell on ! 
I have begged, cried and tried everything I know to get this man to notice that I loved and needed him !!! and he has taken all I have and tossed in in my face ~
NO MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I may be 66 years old but I still look good when I try a little and my eyes are not puffy from crying !!!!
If I didn't know better I would swear that he had someone else !!! maybe he does and I'm just that stupid ~
The fact that he could let this fester knowing how bad this has affected me, then to top it off and sleep in another room when we didn't have a fight?? how stupid am I suppose to be?

Ive been a good wife and partner for all these years and I deserved better then this !!!!
Ill lose this weight, but it wont be for him !!!!He no longer deserves me !
I'm done !!!!! I have risen from the ashes again ! ~ ~ this time Ill stay there !

Nothing he could ever say will make this better now !
I actually feel good now !!! I feel like there is life after this, and I wont allow anyone to make me feel this unloved again !!!
Its up to me now to get out and find new interests and meet new people ! 
I wont file for a divorce yet,,I wont put myself and my pets through the trauma of a move....
But I will no longer be the dutifully, loving wife to this man....and he eventually will just leave !


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm sorry you are hurting. Your husband us being unreasonable and cruel. 

I think you are right you need to move on. You deserve to be loved.

I broke up with someone who couldn't show me how much he loved me, he couldn't flirt or give me what I needed. Now I am so much happier and in a great relationship. 

Good luck.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It sounds like your head is in the right place. Yes, this is no way to live. 

There are a few decent men out there. Bag this loser and feel better about your beautiful self!


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

I'm in the right place for the moment...then out of nowhere I crumble into a hurt mass of crap !
I need to find a way to keep myself from falling into this pit of sorrow !
I also think I'm just fooling myself in a false state of mind to get a reprieve from the hurt...
When I'm angry the pain seams to disappear...

Today he is fixing a electrical issue in our house... there has been no mention of him going into his bedroom last night ... 
We will get through the day as we always do... ( pushing it under the rug).

Tonight if he comes into my room to sleep I will tell him to please go to his room where all his stuff is as of today.
He will get huffy and say some mean stuff to me ( hes predictable).
He wont have a clue ( or has no desire to address any of the issues bothering me.)

Then again, if he just goes to his room before I can even tell him to leave my bedroom, Ill be upset again , am I my worst enemy?
Shouldn't I be upset that he is abandoning this marriage so easily? that moving back into his bedroom is more desirable to him?

I wonder if my anger is just making things worse? I really need advise and help with this.... I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like I'm just going in circles !


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

MC?

Stop cooking for him.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

Sorry but I don't know what MC means? I'm not good at all these abbreviations on this site..maybe its because I refuse to learn to text ! lol


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm going to go against the grain and say this - weight gain is sometimes an issue for us men, it was for me.

This doesn't excuse anything your husband did or didn't do, but weight is indeed an issue for some.

To be honest, I actually feel he may be hiding behind the weight complaint, disguising other feelings, but I need you to be aware that for many men, putting on weight can be a turn-off, and a lack of sexual attraction doesn't always imply a lack of love/affection.

I'm with everyone else here regarding MC and the 180, but please, don't use that as an excuse not to work on your weight if indeed you have weight issues.

One more thing - don't beg him to love you, ever. Don't. It doesn't work. Find a place of pride and peace with yourself, and move on from there.


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

What is the 180? I have seen that mentioned on this site a few times...I'm assuming the MC means marriage counseling?

As for the weight gain: that came with damn menopause ! I hate it also because I thought I would always stay thin ! I'm small boned so the extra pounds show up !!! 
getting back to 110 seams almost imposable now... 
But Ill settle for 125 at this stage of the game...I think that's fair !

But should I be complaining that he has a pot belly bigger then me? Or that he cant get it up and even Viagra is int working for him?
Or that he comes the minute he enters me?
NO !!!! WHY??? because I love him that's why and so those things do not become more important to me then he does !!!!
If addressing my extra weight was handled in a more delicate and non cruel manor I would want to lose it faster to look good to him !!!
But when its been handled the way it has it was just cruel in my book !


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

I get the weight issue and I could try harder to lose some of it.
Ill never be 110 again because I am no longer a young woman and its much harder 
when you reach my age ! I could try to go to 125 .I could be content there !

The point here that bothers me is.. yes some men have issues with there spouse gaining some weight... but were both much older now and not young kids anymore and this should not be a issue ! 
I can't imagine my grandfather saying to my grandmother to lose weight dear or ill find you repulsive !

On another note: his stomach is now way bigger then mine !
And he can no longer perform in bed the way he use to years ago , and all the prescriptions he has gotten to help him did not work...!!!

Do I complain about that? No! I do not because this is what happens when people get to this stage of there life ! and I love my husband so the changes he is now facing I embrace as part of him and part of life ! 
I accept these changes in my husband and it has not affected how I feel about him or see him in any way !
If you notice I did not say"* flaws* "in my husband !
And I guess I feel that he should feel the same about the changes in me also...
its called, growing old together gracefully !

If I was in my 30's or even my late 40's I could fully understand his being disgusted with my weight gain (that I can thank menopause for !).
So this scares me now because I will get older then I am now !!! 
I will get wrinkles !!! 
I will not even resemble that girl/ woman I use to be !
I cant change that !

I just need to know that he can grow old with me also and accept the changes I will countue to go through and still love me when my hair turns grey ! The same way I will feel about him !!
I do not think this is to much to ask for or expect!

And BTW> I never begged my husband to love me !!! I have more respect and pride 
for myself then that !!!!
Yes I am hurt , and have been hurt more times then I can count... that is not begging !!! that is saying " YOU HURT ME ! there is a big difference there....
I don't care how old I get, if I don't believe fully that he loves me ILL WALK !!!!! And my head will be held up high knowing he lost out !

Right now all I'm doing is trying to find answers and get help coping with all this....


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

Well this is going to be more of a rant post because I have HAD IT !!!!!!! after posting all I have here.. my husband surprises me with a phone call from work and wants to talk !!!!
Ok so now I tell him how I'm feeling *AGAIN* and he seams to understand and wants to work on the issues. wonderful right?

That night when he comes home from work I don't get a hug, I don't get a kiss.. I get just a nice friendly guy !
We go to bed (BTW hes back in our bedroom) but he is on his side of the bed and I'm on mine !!!

Now I just told him that day how he has made me feel right??? wouldn't you think he would have at least reached over to hold me or put a arm around me that night? 
NOT !!!!!!

It really bothered me so I didn't sleep and am still up when he gets ready for work,
I get a quick kiss goodby that had no feeling attached.. 

_*DAY 2 TODAY:*_ were getting along well... I go to bed and again he is on his side of the bed and don't reach out for me at all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How was this fixing anything? How is this any different from everything I just told him was wrong? its the same slap ! and I keep putting myself through it time and time again for the past year !

I don't want to hear that he wants to work on things anymore !
If he couldn't reach out to me again when he knows I'm still upset and he just said he wants things better,, then I have to say its hopeless !
If ever there was a time to show the slightest amount of bonding to me it was now !!!! and its not like he didn't know !

So this is it !!! were great roommates that all..
I'm so damn sick of all this... I know he loves me in his own way, but I love my dogs that way also ! its not a marriage love.
He don't love me as a husband loves his wife and frankly I cant do this anymore !

I want him to go back into his own bedroom.. and yes this will hurt me a lot .. but its better for me now...
I will not be going to bed hoping he will do something / anything that will be emotional bonding or show some intimacy ,and help me heal from the hurt he has caused.

I also need to protect myself from getting so angry that I think I could punch him in his face.... and that would happen now if he reached to hold me in bed to only have sex ! what a additional insult !

I'm not trying to be cruel with the separate bedroom thing....
But at this point it seams that's what we should do ....
There is no point of him and I sharing a bedroom if were both sleeping on opposite sides of the bed and there is no intimacy at all....
I also know me... once he is sleeping in his room and there is no more chance of us getting close.. I will slowly stop needing him again !
Whats that old saying"* "use it or lose it?"*
Yep, that's it... if you don't experience love and intimacy with someone after a while you don't feel those feelings for that person any-longer and all love is gone away !

This was truly my last try at this... and if he didn't call me from work to talk about things I still would be doing fine hating him !!
But I lowered my guard again and opened up and thought maybe things would be better now.... 
If he couldn't do anything now then I know it will never be there so I'm so done trying 
And I'm mad at myself for trying all this time !

So well have a roommate situation.. (one he always liked better anyway because he didn't have to try to be a husband) ! and I was a wife only when he wanted sex.... NO MORE !!!! 
I'm feeling like we have a " friends with benefits " relationship,
Only, he is the one getting the benefits !

As you know from this thread, my sex life is destroyed from how he has made me feel... and it would have taken baby steps for me to start to heal from that...
But he still does NOTHING to try to fix things,........ what the heck more answers do I need?
All that I have been feeling for this past year has been clearly validated !! 

I don't know how long I will live like this... so I think keeping this thread in this section is where it needs to be.

OK I'm done ranting.... I'm done trying.... and if this fool of a man has the nerve to ask me again whats wrong I may get physically abusive TO HIS FACE !!!!!:lol:
I just need to not fall for any more bull crap about him wanting to try.... 

In the past, a few years ago, this would have gone different, he would have held me, and he would have tried to make me feel better even if it didn't last. 
Now, it don't come naturally to him to show me any real love...or make any real effort to make things better. 

So for now Ill live in this roommate situation, and Ill do what I have to do when its emotionally convent for me.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

sadallot said:


> I get the weight issue and I could try harder to lose some of it.
> Ill never be 110 again because I am no longer a young woman and its much harder
> when you reach my age ! I could try to go to 125 .I could be content there !
> 
> ...


Hi there.

Sorry if I misunderstood you. Thanks for clearing it up. At this point, I think he simply wants to leave and is looking for an excuse. My suggestion would be to get into the 180 - ignore him and simply look after yourself. Life is too short to let someone else dictate how you feel about yourself anyway. You certainly deserve better, a lot better.

PS - My reference to "begging" was from your initial post by the way.



sadallot said:


> *EDIT*: it is now 4:41 am and I have a new feeling about it all !!!
> He chose to leave our bedroom! he made this comment again just the other day !
> How much more abandoned by him does he think I'm suppose to endure?
> Well I have had enough!!!
> ...


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

Yes I did say begging in that post, your right.... what I meant by that was begging him to hear me.... to actually want to discuss the issues.... he loves to push everything under the rug...

I also don't think he wants to leave me ether.... I have given him ample chances to freely walk out the door and he don't want that...

He just loves to live in his solitary world and come out when there is a reason for him to.
He has no friends in his life ( by choice).
he is happy just watching a baseball game and a few beers in his man cave.
he could live the way we are for the rest of his life and think everything is just fine !
He also cant understand these feelings I have and thinks I need counseling !

What is the 180 I hear people mention here?
Also, is there a way to get email notifications if someone posts to your thread here?
And I also want to thank you for responding to my thread and trying to help...help , advise & support is what I need now.


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