# Does Infidelity run in the family



## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Has anyone here who has been cheated on been aware that their spouse/partner had been exposed to infidelity growing up by a parent who cheated? Do you think having a parent who cheated increases the odds of someone also cheating on their spouse?

It only had come out after I found my husband had cheated that I asked him if his father had cheated and he revealed that his mother had cheated on his father and she was made to stand up in front of the family and tell them of her cheating. This occurred when my husband was about 15, at a stage when teenagers are learning about relationships. I believe this had a significant negative impact on my husband being exposed to this, I think it made him disrespect women and I wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar. All thoughts welcomed.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

No, I don't think it runs in the family. A person can become a product of their environment, such as a child who grew up with alcoholic parent(s) are more likely to become an alcoholic themselves or an abused child is more likely to grow to be an abuser, same as if a child grew up with a parent who was a cheater, they may have accepted that as their life. It is not however genetic. It is still a personal choice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm not really sure about this. My first wife who cheated on me, has a father that has been having mistresses all her life. She had even lived with her father and his OW when he was assigned to another city for a little bit when she was growing up.

On the other hand, my second wife who ended up cheating on me, had parents that were faithful to each other until her fathers death a couple of years ago. Of course, I have to keep in mind that she may be keeping family secrets from me.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Well in our case, it's quite the opposite. My husband's parents never cheated on each other, but my husband cheated on me.

When I was a teenager my father cheated on my mother (she took him back after a while), but I never cheated on my husband. I guess in my case, I saw what the consequences of cheating were and wouldn't do that to anyone.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Squiffy said:


> When I was a teenager my father cheated on my mother (she took him back after a while), but I never cheated on my husband. I guess in my case, I saw what the consequences of cheating were and wouldn't do that to anyone.


That's exactly the same with us. Our father is a serial cheater and we saw how much he hurt our mother thru that. That's why cheating is so abhorent to my siblings and I.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> That's exactly the same with us. Our father is a serial cheater and we saw how much he hurt our mother thru that. That's why cheating is so abhorent to my siblings and I.


my husband has been a serial cheater himself. Our 13 year old son refuses to have any thing to do with his dad. It's really sad how a son can hate his own father and even worse when my husband sits there and thinks "well, he will just get over it eventually" My husband takes no responsibility for his actions that have hurt our son.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> my husband has been a serial cheater himself. Our 13 year old son refuses to have any thing to do with his dad. It's really sad how a son can hate his own father and even worse when my husband sits there and thinks "well, he will just get over it eventually" My husband takes no responsibility for his actions that have hurt our son.


You have my sympathies. Believe me, my brothers and sister and I know how your son feels. It hurts him to see his father put his mother through this unbelievable agony. It's downright traumatizing.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

So then a child being exposed to a parent's infidelity finds it traumatizing and hurtful and not necessarily repeats the pattern. I think then if that child sees that the infidelity is forgiven and the parents stay together, would that then tell the child that cheating is ok and forgiveable despite the pain that is witnessed? 

I just feel so annoyed/angry at husband's parents for exposing him to infidelity. I was never exposed to it so then naively expected that my husband would be faithful. Because I saw his parents were still together and not divorced I thought that was a good sign that me and my husband would be less likely to get divorced too. However the fact that they had this family secret of infidelity really angers me. I realise it is not something they would be blurting out to anyone, but it just the fact that husband grew up seeing this, seeing it was forgiven (if it was), and that keeping family secrets is what you do. It just tells me that my husband did not learn from this traumatizing event to not repeat the behaviour.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> So then a child being exposed to a parent's infidelity finds it traumatizing and hurtful and not necessarily repeats the pattern. I think then if that child sees that the infidelity is forgiven and the parents stay together, would that then tell the child that cheating is ok and forgiveable despite the pain that is witnessed?
> 
> I just feel so annoyed/angry at husband's parents for exposing him to infidelity. I was never exposed to it so then naively expected that my husband would be faithful. Because I saw his parents were still together and not divorced I thought that was a good sign that me and my husband would be less likely to get divorced too. However the fact that they had this family secret of infidelity really angers me. I realise it is not something they would be blurting out to anyone, but it just the fact that husband grew up seeing this, seeing it was forgiven (if it was), and that keeping family secrets is what you do. It just tells me that my husband did not learn from this traumatizing event to not repeat the behaviour.


my parents have always been faithful to each other and my husband's parents were always faithful to each other (my parents still married, h's parents divorced after 30 some years of marriage but never any infidelity) My husband, a serial cheater. I do not know where he learned his awful behavior from.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's a fine line. Infidelity doesn't in and of itself "run" in families. But morals and family values are instilled in young children as they are growing up. Therefore, morals can be passed along to future generations.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Cheating is a choice. So even if a child grows up with a parent cheating, doesn't always mean they will do the same.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:iagree: with much already posted here.

but one side hasnt been covered/discussed/posted.

the spiritual realm. that is to say, there is a realm most do not
"see" nor "understand" well that i myself am still (eagerly) learning of.

i know of a family that has several generations of "cheaters" on both genders all around. u could argue environment, sure. what the little ones see, feel, think, etc. but moreover, i'd argue that when u, me, we, open the door to say, "lust demons", then many can suffer or get affected by our decision to do so. 

for it is something more powerful than just environment that moves us to act in the ways (good or bad) that we do.

we are all faced daily with choices. choices to do right or wrong; feed self or be concerned about others; give/share or
take/hoard for ourselves; speak kindly or belittle another human
being made in the "image of God." the list goes on & on.

for those here who dont believe in God, or are'nt sure, think of 
it/things this way:
IF u know how things are made up of atoms, so tiny that u 
need an ultra powerful microscope in order to see them, yet
w/out someone telling/teaching u that they exist, u wouldnt
believe in their existence because u cant SEE them (?) THEN
so to can u believe in God, who is a Spirit, u keeps this 
world "together/running/alive"/etc. And as u live, read, learn
and "grow" in the knowledge of HIM and this spirit world HE
lives/rules/reigns in, u come to realize how all things that are
impossible for us, are possible to HIM.

back to the generation/curse question.

yes, i think that it can be a curse, of the spiritual kind/realm.
but i also know that it can be broken with knowledge and a 
submission to the "renewing of your mind to Christ". 

all the world over believers and nonbelievers alike have seen
demons cast out in the name of Jesus Christ. miracles of all sorts have occurred, esp concerning the spiritual realm.

sure there are naysayers who'll disagree if just to be disagreable
:lol: but, maybe thats 'cuz they have some demon issues of 
their very own.

i'd be very curious tho' to know the %'s of what i am proposing 
to you v.s. the %'s of the secular world views, both pro & con
to generational.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think it's something runs in families. I think either you do it or you don't.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Well, like others on this post, it not something that is "passed" down (Example like blue eyes) but you can become a product and/or respond to your environment. My wife is the product of that. She tried hard to not become her parents in most aspects, but when it came down to it, like her grandmother, grandfather (on other side), and her mom, and her dad....ended up having an affair.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I don't think it's heredity or anything, but I do think environment can influence someone's beliefs.

My husband cheated and he comes from divorced parents. His parents both had a very relaxed view on marriage and it sounds like they used to be swingers. Eventually, his Dad left his Mom for his assistant. Both his parents stayed in long term relationships after the divorce and didn't remarry for over a decade. (Yes, his Dad married the OW)

Since finding out, I know my mother-in-law has said things to my husband like "affairs happen all the time", maybe she's just trying to make him feel better, but it's a very interesting attitude regarding affairs. 

My husband still had a choice and chose poorly, but he really didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the damage or consequences of his actions. He just did what made him feel better in the short term.

I think life experience plays a major role in our future decsions and actions. Before I met my husband, I had kissed a few other guys while in a long term relationship in college and hated the feeling of guilt. When we finally broke up, I had promised myself to never live like that again. If I had married my college boyfriend I knew I would have to confess these kisses, because I didn't want any secrets in my marriage. Granted, in hindsight, my boyfriend was proably doing far worse things than a few random kisses, so we both would've had some fessing up to do.

My husband never had a long term relationship before me. I think this is what influenced him along with his family. He never experienced the feeling of what it's like to mess up and live with the guilt or confess. He never had to resist the temptation of someone new and different than your partner. He thought a)he loved me and never would cheat b)no one would ever hit on him, so it wouldn't matter. Both ended up being incorrect.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

my ex was raised to believe women were disposable. Sadly, he never thought to open his mind and embrace the meaning of right and wrong when it comes to how to treat other human beings. He now has 3 failed marriages and countless failed relationships under his belt. he still hasn't learned that what daddy taught him was wrong.

It doesn't matter what we're taught as kids or what we see our parents do...once we're adults we have the choice to break the cycle and help ourselves be better people than our parents were. 

I was taught that sexual abuse was ok...but you don't see me running around abusing my little boy or my stepdaughter. It's all about learning that what happened to you as a kid or what you witnessed as a kid was not necessarily the way things should be.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

FOUR GENERATIONS OF INFIDELITY
My husband's grandfather cheated on his wife.
My husband's father cheated on his wife.
My husband cheated on me.
My husband's brother cheated on his wife.
Our son has cheated on his girlfriend.


TWO GENERATIONS
My Uncle cheated on my Aunt.
My cousin cheated on his wife # 1 and wife # 2.
His brother (my cousin) cheated on his wife # 1)


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Both my husband's parents cheated on each other, and my husband also cheated on his first wife. (Boy, do I feel dumb having to say that and now being on this forum myself.)

I don't think it's cheating that has run in the family though, I think his parents' actions and subsequent guilt led to boundary-less and emotionally detached parenting, which led to his narcissism, which led to him cheating on me.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Well I remember hearing of a study that questioned the same and leaned towards it does. In my case My W had the affair, her sister had an affair, her mother had an affair and left her dad the OM became step dad, years later her mom had an affair and divorced the step dad........HMMM????

I think also not having an affair is by ome measure knowing if you are vulnerable. i always thought I could fall into an Affair so I was on guard. My W said she would never and did not think she ever would she fell down that slippery slope.
It is a very multi faceted issue all around.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

I think it can impact things. My H did not grow up with his father. I know he has always looked to have some type of male figure or strong mail influence in his life. The uncles he was around multiple issues of infidelity. He use to always say he did not want to have his life end up like that but whalah I am sad to say history repeated itself with him. But he made the choice so......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Very hurt...wow I am sorry to hear that 4 generations. Hopefully some couples made it after the affairs.This is my H 2nd marriage. Last marriage he cheated but now I really question the sequence of events because of corse a person may only present their past to be a certain way to validate actions that took place..oh well now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear D1221:
I am not proud of my husband's family "Affair Legacy" but I am proud that I have been faithful during my entire rocky marriage.
Very Hurt


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i think i see a pattern forming here from folks who have experiences to back up
their opinions.

i forgot to mention in my earlier/initial post that i think a 
determining factor is how strong u r (or weak, depending on
how u look at it) in resisting a temptation.
e.g., your weakness/sin may be gluttony & so when approached
by a buxom brunette for some amorous foreplay(lust) u may not be in the least bit tempted (unless u r picturing her naked with 
sushi covering her most delectible body areas :lol: )
And vice-versa of course, too. (i.e. Lust vs gluttony)

so its easy to say that "its a choice, its a choice blah blah."
for again, some can overcome and choose wisely 'cuz its not
as tough a temptation.  some cannot cuz the temptation is too
strong and having a family history does have an impact of both
spiritual and practical moral purposes. OF course the bottom line is always "its your choice/decision." yet, i think that it is
dismissive of the real, whole problem facing many diff individuals
with diff mindsets, diff backgrounds, cultures, etc.

Not all have taken up "higher education" or Christianity, nor been exposed much to them. so its easy to choose selfishly
if u have no "higher" way to comprehend.

seems i've also forgotten that yer perspective is often skewed by whether or not u r the cheater or cheated, as i read some
hurtin' cheateds here.

again, i declare there is a connection between family history
and yer own inclines, for spiritual reasons as well as many 
reasons listed here by others (above). i just dont know what
or where the percentages lie at. 70% ? more/less?

who knows:scratchhead:


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Hello Very Hurt:

Like you I am disappointed in the legacy. I am still torn my marriage is ending. I can leave this marriage knowing I upheld my vows until the very end because that is important to me. I am not going to let his actions impact my morales and character. I just know I cannot continue to expose myself to my H the one who should love and protect me to do this 2x. So I am starting to accept that its best to let go a man who id not committed to love me. relationships take work and in the future I want someone by my side willing to put in the effort that our family is worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Both my husband's parents cheated on each other, and my husband also cheated on his first wife. (Boy, do I feel dumb having to say that and now being on this forum myself.)
> 
> I don't think it's cheating that has run in the family though, I think his parents' actions and subsequent guilt led to boundary-less and emotionally detached parenting, which led to his narcissism, which led to him cheating on me.


Just out of curiosity: Did your husband tell you about cheating on his first wife or did you find that out by accident? Did you have that information before you married him.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> Just out of curiosity: Did your husband tell you about cheating on his first wife or did you find that out by accident? Did you have that information before you married him.


He told me when we were dating, that's why I feel like such a schmuck about it. The circumstances were different--as every relationship and every affair are different--but still.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

disbelief said:


> I think also not having an affair is by ome measure knowing if you are vulnerable. i always thought I could fall into an Affair so I was on guard. My W said she would never and did not think she ever would she fell down that slippery slope.
> It is a very multi faceted issue all around.


I think this is huge! With my college boyfriend, I knew you could love someone, but be attracted to other people. In college I was in constant social situations that were ripe for meeting other new and interesting men. Thankfully I still wasn't the type to sleep around, but having a boyfriend didn't stop me from flirting or getting to know new people. It's only a matter of time before someone captures your interest. Then the second there's drama or "you're taking a break" you pounce at the opportunity before you get back together. It's so immature, but a valuable lesson to learn.

I learned so much from these college relationships. After I met my husband (post college), I rarely put myself in situations where I could really get to know other guys. I knew my husband was not the only man in the world I could find attractive. Of course I could meet someone new with whom I share more interests, better to not get too close. Husband, however, didn't know he was vulnerable and slide down that slippery slope of getting wrapped up in the new and exciting. Not to mention the ego stroke. He fully admitts that he ate up the attention the OW lavished on him. He never got that in college and it made his 40 something brain turn into a college throwback wannabe.

Sucks that he had to learn this lesson now while married to me and I learned it while I actually was a college student. _*sigh*_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

yeah......

and u got "credits" for your "learning period/time".

he however, did not.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

I'd previously been thinking of this due to my circumstances.

My Wife:
Grandfather cheated on Grandmother
Mother cheated on Father (marriage no.2 - was married 3 times.)
Wife cheated on me.
Brother cheated on his wife.
Autie on marriage 4 (unsure of fidelity - maybe unfair?)

The family has a 'huge' divorce or long term relationship separation rate.

Me:
I don't know of a single family member who has cheated. My large family appear to marry and have stayed together.

What I would say is that just because I don't know about it doesn't mean it didn't happen - after all, what families discuss their family fidelity round the dinner table?

I had wondered what the effects of all this had been on my wife as there was obviously no moral background which would discourage her from cheating. This is a huge part of the reason that I really hope my children NEVER find out, regardless of whether my wife and I stay together forever. I don't want them to think it's ok to follow in Mummy's footsteps into cheating.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I have a strong suspicion from analyzing the cheaters in my/his families that it is more nurture than nature. I think that cheaters (esp. serial) develop that sneak-around-personality and the kids pick up on that penchant for omissions and lying. I think they take that to heart subconsciously and when it is their turn to make a choice, those examples influence them. I already see it in my 14 yo. It makes me sick to see him internalizing his dad's values, especially now that I know his dad is a snake.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nope. Just dope fiends, vagrants and the insane. GGGF killed a guy and took his identity. GGF was severely bipolar and owed money to organized crime. Bisexual GM was an alcoholic drug addict same as her brother. GF ran off from GM and left her with my illegitimate mom. Father suicidal depressive dementia as were his parents and sisters. (Mom is the weird exception, being an ex cop, social worker and drug counselor) Several cousins dead from 'accidents' including two not one, accidental? decapitations. Sister in recovery from speed, liquor and screwing full grown men when she was 14. Me arrests tossed in jails involuntary institutionalizations too numerous to count, electroshocked, drugged, put in a coma from a beating, sexually assaulted in detention, lifelong mental health medical issues. Haven't taken a drink or illegal drug in >30 years. 

Yeah our reunions are ****ing awesome. Someone needs to firebomb them.

But the answer to your question is, hell yes. Behavior, learned behavior ESPECIALLY dysfunctional behavior runs in families because being screw ups is the only thing they know how to do. If your grandad was a dog, your dad was a dog, you're probably a dog too. If you bang skanks your boys will bang skanks. Because they love you and look up to you. And if you have mommy or daddy issues, dear lord yes so will your daughters. 

It's biblical how afflicted we all are, isn't it? Just afflicted with ourselves.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I have a strong suspicion from analyzing the cheaters in my/his families that it is more nurture than nature. I think that cheaters (esp. serial) develop that sneak-around-personality and the kids pick up on that penchant for omissions and lying. I think they take that to heart subconsciously and when it is their turn to make a choice, those examples influence them. I already see it in my 14 yo. It makes me sick to see him internalizing his dad's values, especially now that I know his dad is a snake.


I can really identify with this situation too. Husband witnessed his father (not that I am aware that he is a cheat) being a sneak-around-personality and keeping secrets from his wife (a cheater). And yes I think that example influenced him to follow that pattern of behaviour. Father still keeps secrets from his wife after 50 years married. 

Husband has regretted telling me his mother cheated, so he is unlikely to ever reveal to me that his father cheated too if he did. Just another family secret to be kept. Not that it is really any of my business, just as his parents have decided not to acknowledge their son's cheating behaviour towards me.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I have decided that the Truth shall set me free. I decided a short while back that I am no longer going to protect my ex from the fallout of his misdeeds and lies. I did that for too long, and it got me...um...taken advantage of. I am hoping that my son will see us for who we are through the natural consequences of our choices. That, I think, is my best hope for guiding who he chooses to be.
But I like your advice, too, RLD.


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