# Wife vs. Parents



## brighterlight

Well, it's here! Just as I thought it would be. I didn't know where to post this so I thought this would be a good place since my wife and I have reconciled (at least we have been working well together). My story is on the divorce threads.

My wife has asked me to talk to my parents and tell them that she never wants anything to do with them anymore. She is very angry but is very stern about this. My parents are mad at her for everything that has happened and it appears to me they won't let it go. I know neither of them really want this but I think my wife does not want to deal with any more family drama ever agaian, and my parents probably feel like they are the ones that have been disrespected. No one is right in this case, I know that. Down deep inside, I know that God is asking me not to deliver the message that will send the final blow.

I feel as if I will be driving the wedge in to my family. My kids have all been hurt by this event that happened this year, but I can't imagine that they would not love their grandparents as they always have. My mother, father, and sister all blew it from the start. Instead of being there by my side supporting me in comfort and love and trying to ease my pain, they thought it would help me by attacking back and berating and putting down my back then stbxw and by trying to tell me how I should feel. I know they love me buy they went about this the wrong way. They were hurt deeply by her asking for the divorce, I know that. But they have been her family for 36 years and she felt as if they just threw her to the curb in one day; as I am sure my parents felt as if she abandoned all of us by asking for a divorce.

So with all of that in mind. I am deeply saddened. I don't know what to do with my life. I do not feel as if I am ready to deliver a fatal message to my mother and father and let them know that from now on, I will have to be with them alone, and that we will need to figure out how to share their grandchildren during special events, which means that they will always lose out to thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, etc.

I am torn and in so much pain - again. Which of the 10 commandments do I break? How do I live in perpetual sin. On the one hand,I feel like I can never truly "Honor" my mother and father (their whole lives have been about us and the grandkids)and on the other hand, I want to stay by the side of the woman I love, and I am, by my vows.

So my question is this. Do I deliver the terrible message, or do I tell my wife that I will not because that message will forever seal the fate of our family. My parents are in their 70's. They are asking me to go see them, and my wife wants me to hurry and go let them know that she never wants to speak to them again. My son got married this past weekend and neither at the rehearsal dinner nor at the wedding did she speak to them. My dad tried to go and say hello to her but it not in a sincere way - his tone of voice was sarcastic. She ignored them and just turned away when they were nearby.

I really just want to go ahead and die. I wouldn't ever consider doing anything to myself but if God was ready to take me, I am ready to go. Can any of you think of anything worse than having to live a life that is divided. One heart in two different places all the time. Never will I have a whole feeling of love and fulfillment in my life. It will be joyful during the times I am with each of them but I will never know the feeling of having a fully joyful heart ever again.

Am I the only one with any sense of compassion, respect and love left for everyone involved in spite of all the hate going around? My sister says that my wife is controlling everything I do, when in fact, all I seek is happiness and joy with my loved ones. Any comments would be appreciated.


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## that_girl

Side with your wife.

In time, who knows what will happen...but side with your wife.

It will send a message to your parents that she is important to you and if they want you in their lives, they have to forgive her. If you side with them, they will think they are more important to you than she is. 

I'd side with my husband. Oh wait, I have. lol. We are going through similar issues...although my mom is just crazy.


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## brighterlight

that_girl said:


> Side with your wife.
> 
> In time, who knows what will happen...but side with your wife.
> 
> It will send a message to your parents that she is important to you and if they want you in their lives, they have to forgive her. If you side with them, they will think they are more important to you than she is.
> 
> I'd side with my husband. Oh wait, I have. lol. We are going through similar issues...although my mom is just crazy.


It's what I feel I should do (and will do) but she is just being plain hateful right now. It isn't just that she doesn't want to see them anymore (well, it is). It is that she keeps telling me how much she can't stand them. I just told her today that she needs to stop that. The same way I don't want to see them berating her, I don't want to see her doing the same to them; only she says these things to me in a mad way- I know she is hurt by all of this and I don't want to see that but when my parents are gone, I will regret these times the rest of my life. I think the problem here is that we all loved toooooo much, and we were hurt by those we cared for so it was a deep hurt.

You are right about siding with my wife, but how much am I supposed to avoid celebrating holidays and special occasions without my whole family there - while we have them still alive!

BTW, my mother just called me and asked me to have a Friday after Thanksgiving dinner with them because my cousin is coming in from out of town with his wife. My wife and I still get very well along with them. And my mother asked me to ask my wife to join us. What a conundrum! Should I even bring it up to my wife in fear that it might offend her, or if I don't could this be an instance where my wife could get some inkling of an idea that my mother still thinks about her? You see what I am faced with - a lose, lose situation. No matter what I elect to do, I am in the wrong.


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## that_girl

Well, she's hurting. I can't stand my own mom sometimes...when my husband says it, I understand. Maybe you should see your parents from her point of view?


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## brighterlight

that_girl said:


> Well, she's hurting. I can't stand my own mom sometimes...when my husband says it, I understand. Maybe you should see your parents from her point of view?


Yes, I have but I know my parents and they mean well, they just don't express it right and yes, they can be very perty sometimes. They easily get there feelings hurt so I know how difficult it can be to do things around them. But I can't see where you would need to be ugly about it. I know you said you went through the same thing but was your husband telling you how much he despises them? I dunno, but that is hard for me.

Oh well, just another ugly lesson in life.


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## that_girl

No, he called her a psycho...and I can see why.

Our parents are our parents. We know their "meaning" in situations because we grew up with them.

Our spouses did not. They just see them as they really are. In my case, psycho pretty much fits. lol. I had to step out of my role as her daughter and see her for the toxic woman she is. I love her, she is my mom. However, her behaviour was hurting my family. So contact was ceased by 90%. We are happier for it.

I guess you could tell your wife that while you understand her feelings, you'd appreciate it if she not talk about your parents that way, out of respect for you.


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## brighterlight

that_girl said:


> No, he called her a psycho...and I can see why.
> 
> Our parents are our parents. We know their "meaning" in situations because we grew up with them.
> 
> Our spouses did not. They just see them as they really are. In my case, psycho pretty much fits. lol. I had to step out of my role as her daughter and see her for the toxic woman she is. I love her, she is my mom. However, her behaviour was hurting my family. So contact was ceased by 90%. We are happier for it.
> 
> I guess you could tell your wife that while you understand her feelings, you'd appreciate it if she not talk about your parents that way, out of respect for you.


Thanks TG, yes, that is what I asked her to do. So she said she understands. I guess now the difficult part will be dealing with my parents being hurt and feel resented. I hope they will learn to be happy, I will still be there for them.


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## FirstYearDown

You clearly consider your role as a son, more important than being a husband. This is not healthy for your marriage. 

What about being there for your _wife_? Maybe this is one of the reasons she wanted to leave. 

My mother in law can be very rude and inappropriate, especially to her sons and my sister in law. My husband and his brother put their spouses first, which is the way it should be.

I'm getting some "mama's boy" vibes...


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## Laurae1967

FirstYearDown said:


> You clearly consider your role as a son, more important than being a husband. This is not healthy for your marriage.
> 
> What about being there for your _wife_? Maybe this is one of the reasons she wanted to leave.
> 
> My mother in law can be very rude and inappropriate, especially to her sons and my sister in law. My husband and his brother put their spouses first, which is the way it should be.
> 
> I'm getting some "mama's boy" vibes...


:iagree: If your parents are pitting you against your wife, that is a clearn indication that there are some control issues on your parent's part (your mother, in particular). Your family is now your wife and kids. Your parents should not try to get in the way of that.


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## NotLikeYou

Okay. So. Your wife decided back in May that you sucked so much that she wanted to divorce you. This, after you stuck by her as she battled cancer, then decided you were not supportive and interesting enough for her. From your other threads, this decision on her part put you through immense torment and emotional pain. And you sought comfort and support from your....... PARENTS!

And they gave you emotional support, but, darn them, they developed this ridiculous idea that your on-again, off-again wife was somehow to blame for your pain. They even looked at the situation and elected to side with their son, whom they had raised from birth and couldn't stand to see hurting. But, hey, what have they done for you lately?

So now, after you have planted your lips on your wife's posterior multiple times and she has decided that she'll graciously keep you in her life, things are looking great!

The only thing holding you back from eternal marital bliss is those pesky parents. As soon as you kick them to the curb, and show your wife that you REALLY LOVE HER, well, life will become groovy.

Go for it. Because, even though it will be like a knife in the guts to your parents, WHEN, NOT IF your wife fvcks you over the next time and you need them, they'll be there for you, just like they were this time.

When your wife hated you, your parents were there to love you. The fact that you would even consider choosing your wife over your parents after what you have done for her, and what she has done to you, is probably a real slap in the face to them. 

So, yeah, give them the old heave-ho. And maybe the next time you need them, they will be focusing on helping their other children who are grateful for what they do. And you? Your wife is going to give you everything you deserve.


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## tacoma

If your wife doesn`t want to have anything to do with her in-laws she can let them know.

You say she`s known them for 36 years, I think she`s close enough to them to have that discussion.

As for holidays and family gatherings, I wouldn`t change a thing other than your wife won`t be going with you.

She has made this decision and that`s fine but she`s trying to have you pay the price for her decision so she doesn`t have to.
Let her carry her own crap.

Now, I don`t know your backstory so I may be on the wrong track but from what you`ve posted in this OP that`s my opinion.


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## pacmouse

Hmmm, I guess I;m the only one who thinks you should not deliver your wife's message. I am in a similar situation and I view it like this...

Your wife was the one who behaved badly.SHE made bad choices that affected your whole family. She has no right to ask you to turn your back on the people who were there for you while you licked your wounds. These are your elderly parents!!!! I see it as your wife trying to control you. What right does she have (after the way she behaved) to make any demands? Personally, I think she should march he butt over to your parents an apologize for her actions and express her intentions of making it right. She should also acknowledge the hurt she caused everyone and ask for their forgiveness.

If she was truly remorseful for her actions she would own her behavior and the consequences of her actions to your entire family. She wouldn't be making demands for you to do more of her dirty work. If she truly wants her message delivered, let her do it herself!!! 

However, If she has/had apologized and begged for forgiveness from your family members and YOU have expressed your intent to work on your marriage to your family and asked for them to put their true feelings aside and support you, then your family should respect YOUR decision. They don't have to like, love or even respect your wife, but they should be on their best behavior around her and not start trouble for you and your marriage.

My H pulled a similar move and we reconciled (over a year now). My family was there to help me through one of the most difficult times in my life. BUT, my H personally apologized to EVERYONE in my family and asked them to give him a chance to make it right. After that, I expected my family to respect our efforts to save our marriage. If they did not, I set them straight!!! My H has never and would never insist that I cut out ANY family member!!! Even if they were blatantly rude to him!!!! I would however, (on my own) support him and confront their behavior!!! Your family has a right to feel how they feel, but they do not have the right to continue to treat your wife like crap. It is also unfair of your wife to hold anything against your family for things that were said or done before you reconciled.

I just don't think she is in ANY position to make demands. She should be bending over backwards to get into everyone's good graces. Frankly, I find your wife's entitled attitude very concerning... JMO!!


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## desert-rose

Let it be, for now. You can visit your parents on your own or with your kids. Even if the relationship with your family of origin and your own family isn't quite what you wanted, you can still make it work in fulfilling ways.

My family rejected my WH when info about his cheating, abuse, and betrayal of their privacy came to light. They rejected me when I wouldn't divorce him. He rejected me for not rejecting them. It's a whole lot of baggage. However, if WH and I do reconcile, we'll be in a similar situation in which he and my family of origin have no contact. As family is very important to me, this is deeply deeply painful and the tug-of-war of loyalties is miserable. I imagine you must be feeling that battle of loyalties yourself.

Your wife and kids are your family. Your parents and siblings are your family. You have no control over which factions of your family get along with others, only over how you choose to handle things. Don't pressure them to get along with each other if they are not ready or willing. You, yourself, can still have a relationship with both and respect both.

Oh, if you are unwilling to break this to your family (which you actually should do because they are your family and they rejected her and don't seem to be making nice with her now), maybe you can ask her to write a short letter that you can physically deliver for her. But, really, by breaking things to them gently, you can actually help your own situation out.


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## Ten_year_hubby

brighterlight said:


> Which of the 10 commandments do I break? How do I live in perpetual sin. On the one hand,I feel like I can never truly "Honor" my mother and father (their whole lives have been about us and the grandkids)and on the other hand, I want to stay by the side of the woman I love, and I am, by my vows.
> 
> So my question is this. Do I deliver the terrible message, or do I tell my wife that I will not because that message will forever seal the fate of our family. My parents are in their 70's. They are asking me to go see them, and my wife wants me to hurry and go let them know that she never wants to speak to them again. My son got married this past weekend and neither at the rehearsal dinner nor at the wedding did she speak to them. My dad tried to go and say hello to her but it not in a sincere way - his tone of voice was sarcastic. She ignored them and just turned away when they were nearby.
> 
> I really just want to go ahead and die. I wouldn't ever consider doing anything to myself but if God was ready to take me, I am ready to go. Can any of you think of anything worse than having to live a life that is divided. One heart in two different places all the time. Never will I have a whole feeling of love and fulfillment in my life. It will be joyful during the times I am with each of them but I will never know the feeling of having a fully joyful heart ever again.
> 
> Am I the only one with any sense of compassion, respect and love left for everyone involved in spite of all the hate going around? My sister says that my wife is controlling everything I do, when in fact, all I seek is happiness and joy with my loved ones. Any comments would be appreciated.


brighter,

The operative scripture here is "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" ...
and that's what you should do.

That your parents aren't able to obey this indicates that their hearts are (at least partially) owned by the enemy. She is your wife whatever she has done.

You are not under any obligation to deliver your wife's messages to your parents however it will be difficult for her to forgive them without some sort of contrition on their part


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## brighterlight

Guys. Thank u so much for all the perspectives. Understand that I love my wife and have and so put her first. But what she behaves like is that she wants me to go and tell mu parents how she doesnt want to ever see or talk to them again. She is very hurt and her heart is hardened. At this time there will be no contrition on her part. She is so hurt and angry, hate is painted all over her. I can not go and stab my parents. The mere thought of spending time with my parents for fear of a scorned attitude on her part makes me physically ill. Does she really care or love me enough to see past her anger? I don't feel that. She can not let it go and forgive. I just really want to die. No matter what i do on a daily basis, i let somebody down. Btw, my mother and father have already told me in plain english that my marriage and my wife come first. So that is how understanding they are. Yes, they were angry at first, but now I get to see my mother and father in perpetual sadness and pain. Their family has fallen apart. I am in the middle. It would just be easier to not exist around such sadness. God is the only one I have to really leaned on. I thank Him for that.
I don't think I really understand what it is my wife needs me to do. I feel like she wants me to march to my parents house and let them have it as to how hurt and angry she feels that they tossed her aside when she announced the divorce; on the other hand, I can see that she has no empathy for the pain she caused them. I know they reacted very harsh by not wanting anyhting to do with her when she said she was done with me, but now the roles are reversed. Am I the only sane person in this mess? Maybe that is why I an in so much sorrow and pain. Everything just looks bleak to me right now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Tell your wife she created the problem, she should clean it up. If her way of cleaning up after her divorce request is to spite your parents, then your reconciliation has not been completed.

I would also suggest that you may need to man up.

She should get counseling to resolve her issues because it looks like whatever reason she asked for a divorce earlier is still there.

She may be using your parents as a way to make you divorce her this time. Or, at least, suppress or abuse you further.


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## pacmouse

brighterlight said:


> Guys. Thank u so much for all the perspectives. Understand that I love my wife and have and so put her first. But what she behaves like is that *she wants me to go and tell mu parents how she doesnt want to ever see or talk to them again. *If it were me, I would tell her she didn't have to see or talk to them again. BUT I would also tell her that I planned to continue a healthy relationship with my parents (you mention below that they support your decision with you working on your marriage. So Im having a hard time understanding her beef with them)She is very hurt and her heart is hardened. At this time there will be no contrition on her part. She is so hurt and angry, hate is painted all over her. I can not go and stab my parents. *The mere thought of spending time with my parents for fear of a scorned attitude on her part makes me physically ill.* Don't let her control you. It appears like you ar letting her call the shots after SHE caused this mess.*Does she really care or love me enough to see past her anger?* Not trying to be harsh, but I think you know the answer. She sounds like a very selfish and narcissistic person. I still feel she should be bending over backwards to please YOU!!! not the reverse.I don't feel that. She can not let it go and forgive. I just really want to die. No matter what i do on a daily basis, i let somebody down.* Btw, my mother and father have already told me in plain english that my marriage and my wife come first.* RIGHT!!! So what is her problem? Just because they are human and was hurt by her actions? Your wife really needs to own her actions and everything that goes along with it. So that is how understanding they are. Yes, they were angry at first, but now I get to see my mother and father in perpetual sadness and pain. Their family has fallen apart. I am in the middle. It would just be easier to not exist around such sadness. God is the only one I have to really leaned on. I thank Him for that.
> I don't think I really understand what it is my wife needs me to do. I feel like she wants me to march to my parents house and *let them have it as to how hurt and angry she feels that they tossed her aside when she announced the divorce*;Honestly, what did she expect...a going away party? I'm sorry, your wife is delusional!!!Your parents acted like anyone wouldon the other hand, *I can see that she has no empathy for the pain she caused them.*AND THAT IS THE REAL PROBLEM HERE!!! No Empathy...no remorse= BIG PROBLEMS!! I know they reacted very harsh by not wanting anyhting to do with her when she said she was done with me, but now the roles are reversed. Am I the only sane person in this mess? Maybe that is why I an in so much sorrow and pain. Everything just looks bleak to me right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are having an inner battle between your heart (which wants to be with your W) and your gut (which is the voice of reason and truth) Someone once told me...Your gut is your subconscious, it puts together information your heart isn't ready to hear. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!!!

Good luck stay strong!


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## brighterlight

Aug and pacmouse. Thank u both. Pacmouse, you nailed it in ur last paragraph! My heart does want to be with her but she is destroying any semblence of happiness that I might have left
It's like she wants me to feel what she is feeling and go after my mother and father with vengence. I dont understand how someone can be so bitter.
Now it's been two days since she hasn't spoken to me. Nothing, not a word and we are now back to sleeping in separate beds. I am so tired of this bull****! I have tried to speak to her but now she doesn't seem to acknowledge I exist. I am beginning to believe my friends and parents when they say my heart is too kind and too soft. I am so disappointed that my W can not see the gifts she has in her life for the blind rage she has inside. She doesn't even realize the extent of my love for her. While some are telling me to RUN in the other direction, my love for her is true and real. Two weeks ago she got so angry at something I said (honestly i dont remember now what it was) that she took a hammer in a rage to a patio table that took me a week to design and create
I made it out of broken pieces of travertine tile all mosaiced. I put a lot of love and creativity into that thing, built very well. I made it 3 years ago. It took her 10 minutes to destroy it - while I just watched her doing it, i was hurt but I was also thinking about how pathetic she acted. I can't believe how much anger and hatred a person can have inside. She has a serious inner battle going on and I don't know how to help her to use her heart to choose love, empathy and fair compromise.

I am wondering what you guys (or gals) think should be my response when she finally decides to say a word to me? Maybe by the end of the week she will look at me and say something to me. I am inclined to just ignore her and continue her little shenanagan of not acknowledgeing she exists. Let her see what she is making me feel like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

She's doing the 180 on you. And she's doing it out of rage, not as a means to improve herself. She'll need to find the deep source of her rage. 

I dont know the counter move to the 180. Perhaps you should just not care what she thinks but carry on with your life.


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## LovesHerMan

Brighter:

Why are you constantly seeking your wife's approval? Why are you afraid of offending her? You are making both of you miserable with your passive behavior.

Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy?

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

You will see yourself there very clearly. There is also a forum where you can post questions about how to change your behavior:

No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin

You will never be happy until you learn to change the dynamic of your marriage. You are bailing water out of a leaky boat. Fix the leak. Stop the abuse.


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## brighterlight

aug said:


> She's doing the 180 on you. And she's doing it out of rage, not as a means to improve herself. She'll need to find the deep source of her rage.
> 
> I dont know the counter move to the 180. Perhaps you should just not care what she thinks but carry on with your life.


Unfortunately, that is my only chioce at this time. I've been through too much to continue to be unhappy. I can't change her, she will always find fault in something I do.


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## brighterlight

lovesherman said:


> Brighter:
> 
> Why are you constantly seeking your wife's approval? Why are you afraid of offending her? You are making both of you miserable with your passive behavior.
> 
> Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy?
> 
> http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
> 
> You will see yourself there very clearly. There is also a forum where you can post questions about how to change your behavior:
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin
> 
> You will never be happy until you learn to change the dynamic of your marriage. You are bailing water out of a leaky boat. Fix the leak. Stop the abuse.


This is also true. And I do not want to be offensive. I don't want to offend her because I was raised that way. I am still a gentlemen and I don't like conflict. But, if you ask her, I would be willing to say she feels like I offend her on many occasions - unknowingly of course. She has a special skill of making it always my fault when things go wrong. Been married 36 years and I can only think of 2 occasions where she geniunely apologized to me for something. 36 years two apologies, that oughtta tell you something.

I am pretty much done though. I do not want to hurt her, my kids, our families, etc. But I am out of will; just plain tired of never really having her understanding and support when I need it the most.

BTW, one person posted earlier on that I was a "momma's boy." Hah, far from it. I live 20 minutes away from my parents and have spent maybe a total of 4 days this entire year with them; even with the divorce looming. If anything, I feel ashame that I don't go and see them more often; and i am not blaming my W for that, part of the problem has been that I have been very busy with work and all that has happened. Also, I have mentioned both my mother and father in these posts not just my mother. My sister on the other hand is pissed at me for not being there for my parents during this whole ordeal, but that sounds popostrous to me since I am the one that was dumped and needed them to be there for me; I could not handle what I was going through and also be there to support their pain and suffering for us (our marriage).

Anyway, I thought my W and I had that behind us and had an understanding of how we needed to out each other first. When we are good, we are really great! When this kind of crap happens she gets so bitter, cruel, disrespectful, ugly, standofish, mean, that she takes me to the pits of hell. It's like I am not allowed to have my own feelings; if it isn't what she feels, it doesn't count!

All I want is civility so we can find some peace and eventually joy. We have already been through some tough sh***t. Why she wants to continue to live in misery is beyond me. Love is a decision, it's a choice.

All I want to tell her is "stop the farce!"


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## LovesHerMan

I identify very closely with your Nice Guy behavior, and I fear that my son will have the same problems with his current GF. It is not easy to change how you relate to your spouse because you think that by being nice you will be rewarded with appreciation.

I hope that you will be able to stand up for yourself, articulate what you need, and find peace through honest communication.


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## brighterlight

lovesherman said:


> I identify very closely with your Nice Guy behavior, and I fear that my son will have the same problems with his current GF. It is not easy to change how you relate to your spouse because you think that by being nice you will be rewarded with appreciation.
> 
> I hope that you will be able to stand up for yourself, articulate what you need, and find peace through honest communication.


Yeah, I have been trying that for a long time now. All it does is make her clam up. She gets enraged, I mean, she is no fun to be around. And the more I try to aviod her negative vibes, the more pissed off she gets. I have never, I mean NEVER, had her come back to me after an arguement and say she was wrong and should have understood my feelings more - NEVER! It's always me trying to patch things up. She knows how to manipulate me and I am not such a pushover, I have my moments, I go out and do sports, everything that gives me time to myself when I need it (which isn't often), but then, when I am angry or unhappy about something, she NEVER, stands besides me and supports me. Most of the time, she just gets angry because I am angry. I said it already on here but it's like I am not allowed to have my own feelings about things. It's her way or the highway! Know what, that highway is looking pretty smooth and freshly painted right now! Can I yell SH****T!!!!!


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## brighterlight

Yeah, it doesn't look like she wants to fight for our marriage anymore. I dunno. Probably best for me anyway. We'll see where to from here.


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## brighterlight

brighterlight said:


> ...but then, when I am angry or unhappy about something, she NEVER, stands besides me and supports me. Most of the time, she just gets angry because I am angry. I said it already on here but it's like I am not allowed to have my own feelings about things. It's her way or the highway! Know what, that highway is looking pretty smooth and freshly painted right now! Can I yell SH****T!!!!!


So here we go. She just sent me a letter and I understood her feelings as always. She didn't apologize - never will 'cause she's never wrong. And told me how I made her feel like I was blaming her Wednesday night because I came home after a grueling family meeting with my parents jumped in the shower for some emotional relief then went to bed. I saw my mother cry in sorrow, etc., was hurt and then my W asks me if we could talk about it. I told her I felt like I was at the inquisition and that I was not going to play messenger tit for tat anymore. So immediately she thought I was blaming her for everything. For God's sake, can't I get a hug when I need one! So, in my sadness, she turns around and begins the cold shoulder silent treatment - for two days, until the email letter just now. What do I make of this?

It would mean so damn much to me if she would just concede her pride and tell me that she didn't realize how much pain I was in. Instead she tells me in the letter I should have calmly told her that it would be better to discuss this at another time. First of all, yeah right, she wouldn't have been able to sleep thinking about it, and secondly, WTF makes her think that a person undergoing that kind of emotional stress and conflict can turn around politely and sweetly and say, honey, can we discuss this tomorrow (on a better bad day, I might have been able to gather enough of what's left of my heart to do that, but not this time). Which BTW, I did say, she just didn't hear me. So miscommunication? Maybe.

Just one time, I would love for her to give up her "better than thou" attitude and just give in to someone who she supposedly loves, if for nothing else, just to show she cares. I mean, is it just me, or am I supposed to stand my ground no matter how anyone else feels. It just doesn't seem Christian to me. If I didn't know any better I would look at this scenario as her blaming me for everything. Oh, wait, she is!

Crap, I am 51 years old but I look a lot younger, a good looking guy I am told (that's not me in my avatar btw, I just thought it was appropriate to how I felt about this whole thing), I am a family oriented man, I am honourable to my vows. I love deeply, I take care of some of the household work, dishes, cleaning, washing clothes (we both share that 100%), do the bills, I work full time and make decent money (so does she), I try to please to show I care. I love kayaking, fishing, baseball, golf, sports, spending time outside, being with my family. I have pretty good friends. We both raised three great kids (all married now), put them through college, I don't drink (well, only when I am with the guys and they want a beer, or family dinner wine), I have NEVER lifted a finger to anyone, never verbally scream at anyone, never cheated on her. I love humor. Even when she asked for the divorce, I didn't want it (I still love her above all that) but I cared for her happiness so much that I gracefully bowed out without groveling. I have defended her when it needed to happen. Cared for her during her injuries and Cancer. WTF, I feel as if I wasted my life waiting for these years to come so I could be proud of everything I have achieved and everything I have accomplished but yet, I feel cheated. My children are the only thing I have left that I can say that I didn't fail at. And I pray to the Lord every night; give him thanks for what IS right in my life, and then I end up asking for him to stand by me through all of this. I think He is getting tired of my wining.


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## aug

you two live in the same house, yet she communicates by letter?

you two should book a couple of hours each day to sit down and discuss and resolve the problem(s).  maybe?


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## pacmouse

brighterlight said:


> Aug and pacmouse. Thank u both. Pacmouse, you nailed it in ur last paragraph! My heart does want to be with her but she is destroying any semblence of happiness that I might have left
> It's like she wants me to feel what she is feeling and go after my mother and father with vengence. I dont understand how someone can be so bitter.
> Now it's been two days since she hasn't spoken to me. Nothing, not a word and we are now back to sleeping in separate beds. I am so tired of this bull****! I have tried to speak to her but now she doesn't seem to acknowledge I exist. I am beginning to believe my friends and parents when they say my heart is too kind and too soft. I am so disappointed that my W can not see the gifts she has in her life for the blind rage she has inside. She doesn't even realize the extent of my love for her. While some are telling me to RUN in the other direction, my love for her is true and real.* Two weeks ago she got so angry at something I said (honestly i dont remember now what it was) that she took a hammer in a rage to a patio table that took me a week to design and create
> I made it out of broken pieces of travertine tile all mosaiced. I put a lot of love and creativity into that thing, built very well. I made it 3 years ago. It took her 10 minutes to destroy it -* while I just watched her doing it, i was hurt but I was also thinking about how pathetic she acted. I can't believe how much anger and hatred a person can have inside. She has a serious inner battle going on and I don't know how to help her to use her heart to choose love, empathy and fair compromise.
> 
> I am wondering what you guys (or gals) think should be my response when she finally decides to say a word to me? Maybe by the end of the week she will look at me and say something to me. I am inclined to just ignore her and continue her little shenanagan of not acknowledgeing she exists. Let her see what she is making me feel like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ummmm.....RUN!!!!!!!

Seriously, after everything she has already put you through she has the nerve to give you the silent treatment AND destroy something of great value to you!!!!

Ask yourself how much more of her S#it are you going to take. It sounds as though she is making ZERO effort to reconcile, but making a Herculean effort to destroy you.

DON'T LET HER!!!

You sound like a nice guy with a good head on our shoulders who values and honors the commitment of marriage. But honestly...you are being emotionally abused by an emotionally disturbed women. If roles were reversed here and YOU were the one behaving like her, you would have a number of resources to help you get away. She is destroying your property, she is abusive and quite frankly sounds dangerous with her escalated behavior. If you were a girlfriend of mine, I would encourage you to get a restraining order and have her removed from the home. THAT WOULD SURELY SEND HER MESSAGE!!!

Save yourself, concentrate on being a great dad to your kids. You will recover from this.

Please know I am a huge supporter of marriage. I am currently working on my own reconciliation, but with that being said...I just feel people deserve to be treated with respect, love, caring and support. NONE of which she is doing for you. I would tell ANYONE to leave an abusive relationship even though I strongly believe in the vows of marriage.

Stay STRONG!!!


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## pagli

Stand by your parents because family is forever .Wife can leave you in future if she is behaving horribly but your parents will be there for you forever. That's what i will teach my kids.I am in similar situation and i have told my husband to respect my family and then i will respect yours.My husband don't so i have already given him ultimatum.I l like my husband in some ways but i hate him when he doesn't respect me and my family and relatives. I can't leave anybody in my life because my husband wants me to leavethem.Your wife and my husband don't know how to respect others feelings so they will be better off on their own i guess.What if your kids leaves you in future for the same reason? how would you react?


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## aug

A thought occurred to me that if she's on any medication, you may want to check out the side-effects. Some drugs can bring about mood changes.

Also if she's still not healthy, that could affect her outlook.

And, consider signing up some gym classes, dancing classes, sports, etc, with her. Getting some physical exercises should help with her (and yours) health, and thus her mood.


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## brighterlight

Yeah, i am back. She agreed to talk to them on saturday, for the sake of me and the kids she tells me. But she is on a real hate streak with them. I feel dishonored and like i am betraying my parents. I am torn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967

I am not in any way condoning your wife's behavior.

However, there are some really weird family vibes I am seeing in your posts.

1) Why are you expected to deal with your parent's emotional needs about YOUR marriage? That seems screwy.
2) What was your "family meeting" about with your parents? Why is your mother "crying"? Sounds to me like she uses emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty.

It sounds to me like you grew up in a narcissistic family system. Your role was to be the pleaser, to take care of everyone's needs except your own. Now you are in the middle between your wife and your parents. 

In a normal family system, your parents would not play a role in what is going on in your marriage. They would be there to support you no matter what, but they wouldn't be crying about their relationship with you and making you feel like you have to choose between them and your wife. Your parents may SAY that your wife comes first, but do they allow you the guilt-free space to actually do that?

Your parents raised you but you don't owe them anything. Your job in life is not to make them happy or to do things for them. 

I would see a counselor ASAP and I would start reading up on narcissistic family systems. You need to break free from all of this people pleasing drama.

Your wife may also be a narcissist. I don't know. She may also feel like your parents have poisoned you in some way against her. The fact that your sister expects you to "comfort" your parents about your bad marriage says it all. Dysfunctional. 

You are a 51 year old man. It is okay to set boundaries for yourself with your wife and parents. They don't own you or control you!


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## brighterlight

Hi L1967,

I appreciate your response, I certainly can see where my posts seem to lead one to believe that there is dysfunction in my family. Actually, I don't believe that there are families (extended included) that are perfect, I think all families have some sort of dysfunctional member in them, some more than others. So I will try to respond to some of your questions/comments.



Laurae1967 said:


> I am not in any way condoning your wife's behavior.


Keep in mind that she was the one who tossed the hand granade to begin this ordeal (after 36 years). We have reconciled and are working on our marriage but she states that she will never apologize for asking for the divorce - she felt "right about it at the time." Doesn't matter how she felt at the time, she hurt a lot of people, including our children. She is sorry about hurting us, but she won't apologize for what happened.



Laurae1967 said:


> However, there are some really weird family vibes I am seeing in your posts.
> 
> 1) Why are you expected to deal with your parent's emotional needs about YOUR marriage? That seems screwy.


It affects my children, me. We are/were a VERY close family. Christmas gatherings, holiday blessings, future grandchildren. All impacted by this rift in our family. It isn't about my marriage my parents are emotional about, it is about the family unit they lovingly fought and sacrificed all their lives to love, nurture and keep together. I am bound by my faith and belief that I need to honour my father and mother. As I must my marriage. So, it is not an easy thing to be in the middle of those emotions. There's more there but I don't want to make this post too long.



Laurae1967 said:


> 2) What was your "family meeting" about with your parents? Why is your mother "crying"? Sounds to me like she uses emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty.


My family meeting was to talk to my parents about my wife's pain and anger and why she is that way. My wife's despise for my parents has now spread to her side of the family like a cancer. My middle son got married last month, and while the wedding and reception was beautiful, my wife's family would turn their backs on my parents when they tried to say hello to them - literally, not look at them and just walk away. My other children saw that and they were appalled by it. So much so that my oldest son came to talk to us about that last week; he begged us (well really her) to fix this rift; everyone in my family has been impacted. And for the question about my mother crying - she was crying because she sees her and my dad at their age losing their cohesive family. Everything they love and have loved and have lived for is deteriorating - and they want to fix it. My mother lost both of her parents when she was 16. She is emotional and hurt by the distance my wife has put between them, so much so, that my parents are willing to apologize to her tomorrow. And quite honestly, it would hurt my soul to see them apologize and my wife not counter with an apology for her contribution to this dilemna.



Laurae1967 said:


> It sounds to me like you grew up in a narcissistic family system. Your role was to be the pleaser, to take care of everyone's needs except your own. Now you are in the middle between your wife and your parents.


Well, sort of. Not sure what you mean about narcissistic though. My parents are always very giving and willing to help others in need. Thay are very caring people, they just have trouble relaying how they feel sometimes. And as for me, I thought I was a pretty normal male growing up, High School sports, friends, getting in minor trouble as a youngster, the usual stuff.



Laurae1967 said:


> In a normal family system, your parents would not play a role in what is going on in your marriage. They would be there to support you no matter what, but they wouldn't be crying about their relationship with you and making you feel like you have to choose between them and your wife. Your parents may SAY that your wife comes first, but do they allow you the guilt-free space to actually do that?


You are probably right about this one. But what are they supposed to do with this. Change there life's history where we no longer EVER spend time together as a family because my wife doesn't want to be near them. What does that do to my adult children who want their children to spend holidays together with their parents and grantparents celebrating together. That is a huge life change for them. And my parents are 75 years old. How many Christmas, Easter, etc. dinners am I supposed to miss with them because my W has other plans for us? If we weren't all in the same city, this might be workable, but we are all in the same location. You are right though, I don't think they allow me guilt free feeling. They do though understand that my wife comes first but this plays into other issues such as - how many times does she come first? Everyday forever, so then it does become a choice between her and my parents. When will I need to go see my parents for an emergency and she will need to do something like grocery shopping, who comes first then. Is it going to be this petty from now on - YES, it probably will in her eyes. So I am set up to fail and live a life on the edge - having to evaluate and calculate every decision I make. I am not sure how long I can hold out that way. All I want is a loving, caring spouse 100% of the time. I am getting that 80% of the time. I am not talking about a disagreement or a fight, that happens. But she takes it to the next level by letting my know how she probably made a mistake by working on the marriage. She threatens packing her bags. She just doesn't know how to be mad wihout being livid, hateful, vengeful and holding on to that anger for a long time. It makes me feel like I am not worth anything to her. She really has just quit having any empathy for others; I mean really has just done a 180 and is now only focused on how she feels and no one else matters. Who does that? I dunno.



Laurae1967 said:


> Your parents raised you but you don't owe them anything. Your job in life is not to make them happy or to do things for them.


I disagree. This statement is too matter of fact and uncaring. Sorry, but I do believe in the 10 commandments. They have never asked me for anything, I do things for them (and not enough I might add) because I love and care about them. Everything I know and the person I am today was influenced by them. They have sacrificed much for us and I want to honor and respect that.



Laurae1967 said:


> I would see a counselor ASAP and I would start reading up on narcissistic family systems. You need to break free from all of this people pleasing drama.


I wish I could, but in order to do that, I have to forget everything I know about our family unit and history. Can't erase what good has come from the way I raised my children. The family values I instilled in them. Becoming a "Me" person doesn't appeal to me. I do like to take my time off and play golf, travel, spend time for me, etc. but to become a 100% egotistical, self pleasing person isn't my style.



Laurae1967 said:


> Your wife may also be a narcissist. I don't know. She may also feel like your parents have poisoned you in some way against her. The fact that your sister expects you to "comfort" your parents about your bad marriage says it all. Dysfunctional.
> 
> You are a 51 year old man. It is okay to set boundaries for yourself with your wife and parents. They don't own you or control you!


Don't know if setting boundaries has anything to do with the issue that my wife will not speak to my parents. It is not really a boundary, it is a condition in which my heart and soul has to exist as two separate states of being - one loving and caring for my wife, and the other respecting and loving my parents and never the two shall meet. That line in the middle where I sit is littered with a mine field of possible incorrect action, decision, situations. Conditions where, if I make the wrong move, one side or the other gets emotional.

All of this can be healed if my wife could let go of the spite. I have to believe that harboring such hate for her husbands family, her childrens grandparents has got to be taking a toll on her. How can you truly be happy when you are carrying such a heavy burden. It is beyong me.


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## FirstYearDown

Thinking that taking care of yourself is egotistical screams codependence. Your parents know that you are a pleaser, which is why they feel they can use guilt to control you. 

My oldest brother is unhappily single and childless, because the women don't want a mama's boy that only wants to make his mother happy. I don't blame them.

If you put honoring your parents above your marriage, I could see why your wife would want to leave. Maybe she doesn't like being second place all the time.

You have mentioned some Christian beliefs, so I think it might be helpful for you to read this:
http://www.dearestchristian.com/marriage/leavingcleaving.html


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## Laurae1967

Yeah, you definitely were raised in a narcissistic household. You don't want to see the reality of what your family dynamic is really like. Your parents brainwashed you into thinking that taking care of yourself is somehow selfish and wrong. Your parents also brainwashed you into thinking that you "owe" them something. 

You don't want to go to a therapist because they will also tell you the truth about your parents/family systems and you don't want to hear it. It's too bad, because your dysfunction will be passed down to your kids. Look at how miserable your life is. Look at the DRAMA your parents are causing. You are totally being controlled and manipulated by them but you don't see it. 

Your wife was being honest about her feelings. You were raised to NOT be emotionally honest. Why should people apologize for telling their truth?


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## brighterlight

Laurae1967 said:


> Yeah, you definitely were raised in a narcissistic household. You don't want to see the reality of what your family dynamic is really like. Your parents brainwashed you into thinking that taking care of yourself is somehow selfish and wrong. Your parents also brainwashed you into thinking that you "owe" them something.
> 
> You don't want to go to a therapist because they will also tell you the truth about your parents/family systems and you don't want to hear it. It's too bad, because your dysfunction will be passed down to your kids. Look at how miserable your life is. Look at the DRAMA your parents are causing. You are totally being controlled and manipulated by them but you don't see it.
> 
> Your wife was being honest about her feelings. You were raised to NOT be emotionally honest. Why should people apologize for telling their truth?


Wow! Are you OK. You sound as if you've been through the ringer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

Please do not shift the focus. We are trying to help YOU.

It doesn't seem like you want our help; you just want to give reasons why it is okay for you to put your parents above your wife.


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## TroubldHusband

In a situation like this I look at one thing, and one thing only, and this may sound harsh, but it's the reality of life.

Your wife is your wife, your kids are your kids. They are YOUR family. They are the ones who should matter the most. I understand you want to respect and honor your parents, but one fact remains. 

Your parents will die one day. They will be gone, and you will have one person to look to in your time of grief and sorrow, time of need, and time of healing; YOUR WIFE. On another level your kids as well, but if they're already grown and gone, 99% of it will fall on your wife. Plain and simple, she will be the one there next to you while you cry because they passed away. She will be the one next to you holding your hand on your own deathbed, or vice-versa. She will be the one there for you in your time of need, period. Not your parents, despite how much they may have been in the past.

It's similar to what I'm going through right now. My mother has gone about mine and my wife's separation in entirely the wrong way, and is angry/upset with it, albeit she is allowed to be. It's her natural reaction to protect her child, but I flat out told my mom that if I had to choose between my wife and her I would choose my wife every single time. We have argued about this so many times in the 2 months my wife and I have been separated I couldn't count it on both my hands and my feet. My mom didn't like to hear it, and we may never have the same relationship that we did, but she will never again take my relationship (even though there isn't much of one with my wife right now) for granted and assume I will do whatever SHE wants me to do, as opposed to what I want to do. She wants what she feels is best for me, whereas I want what I feel is best for me. I just want her to respect that decision and support it, and she has issues with that. Not my problem. I will continue to do what I want to do, and stay away from the negativity and lack of support that she has shown. I love her, I respect her, but I will do what I WANT, not what anyone else wants. If she can't respect that decision, and support me in it, then she will lose out on much of my life, because she would try to be the same way with another woman if it comes down to my wife and I not reconciling. I'm sorry, but sometimes you have to face the truth, no matter how much it may hurt.

I think you need to realize that your wife is what should matter most to you, no matter who your parents are, what they did for you growing up, how much they forgave you or put up with the stupid things you've done, and no matter what your feelings are towards them. Your wife should be #1. No one else.


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