# Borderline personality disorder Girlfriend



## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

I have been dating a girl for the past 2.5 years. The relationship was always extremely tumultous. Recently after talking to a counselor online I realized my girlfriend has borderline personality disorder most likely. The temper, mood fluctuations, unreasonably escalated response to trivial things, tendency to destroy relationships are all there. She has a sexually abusive past and has lot of trust issues.
Well.. on the positive side we share great sexual intimacy, the oneness when we are together on a good day is beyong amazing. I recently decided to end the relationship and she has been begging and pleading to save it. I did not want to prolong the relationship at the same time, did not want to end it bitterly. I have arranged the best I could so that she could have her own place with her daughter. I have a son from a previous relationship who visits me 4 days / week. The dynamics between the children has not been great and we have a lot of differences in parental styles too.

Recently she has gone on a tirade about a simple thing like me visiting her step mom (at the request of her dad) without her. She says she feels extremely disrespected and cannot trust me anymore. Now the relationship is coming to a painful close, I need some advice on how to manage these last few days.
I am mentally disturbed, cannot really sleep well at night. I miss the intimacy which we shared in our bedroom and we sometimes end up having sex. After the act it is feels so bad and miserable. I dont know how to stay positive and move on and put me in the first place in my thoughts and not let her guilt trip me. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You did the right thing by getting away from the crazy.

A BPD’r will drive a sane person to the nuthouse. 

BPD’rs have 2 great fears - one is being stifled and suffocated in a relationship, and the other is being abandoned. You can’t win. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Now they can be wildcats and passionate in bed when they are insecure. 

But the problem is they will pull back and disengage and disconnect if they’re feeling stable and secure..... which to them will start feeling suffocating.

And the big problem is they can be hot and passionate for you on Saturday, but monkey swing in a moment and be packed up out of the house and hot and passionate with the next guy by Tuesday. 

She’ll raise hell and beg and plead until she gets a grip on that next branch which could be this evening.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Sounds like you could be dating one of my exes. I speak from experience, the fun sex isn't worth the headaches after a while. Look at yourself. You're now mentally disturbed and can't sleep at night because of this girl. Just walk away man. Do what you gotta do to get yourself away from her.


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

thats so true. I miss the passion. I had made her my life and it is hurting now. I dont know what to do. I dont really want to going out or talking to other women till she officially leaves. I am even giving her money to pay rent in the next place. I ask her to be civil and loyal till she leaves. But she claims she is done and does not care about loyalty anymore. I have let myself to be exploited in the name of love and it feels so unfair. I am struggling to stay positive.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In my opinion, you should focus on your own behavior and choices instead of hers. 

So, if you're going to leave, then leave.

Stop people pleasing. Stop communicating. Stop contacting her family, and stop using her for sex.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is the financial help temporary or permanent? That’s something to be careful about.


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

financial help is temporary. The problem is I have made her my entire life. I am so lonely now and I cannot even start picking up the pieces until she leaves.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good that’s it’s not permanent help.

For future reference, don’t make the next one your entire life. That’s asking for trouble.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

These were your choices - so not her fault. 

You need to take responsibility for yourself and not seek out sympathy by blaming her to others with a pseudo-diagnosis from _your_ therapist.



staying_positive said:


> *The problem is I have made her my entire life*.* I am so lonely now* and I cannot even start picking up the pieces until she leaves.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why the hell did you stay for two and a half years if things were so bad? For the great sex I assume. 
The only dating advice I ever got that was worth a damn was “don’t stick your **** in crazy” and buddy you need this advice more than most. 
If your leaving then leave, stop calling round for booty calls it’s not fair on your ex or on her daughter.


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

minimalME said:


> These were your choices - so not her fault.
> 
> You need to take responsibility for yourself and not seek out sympathy by blaming her to others with a pseudo-diagnosis from _your_ therapist.


Its true. I made my choices wrong. I take responsibility for them. I dont want to continue them. Thats why I have been adamant on not giving in to her pleadings. I feel for her. I know her pain is real because of her diagnosis. I understand I cannot help her without sacrificing myself. It has been more than 2.5 years. I have been conditioned into this relationship. I am trying to break free.


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Why the hell did you stay for two and a half years if things were so bad? For the great sex I assume.
> The only dating advice I ever got that was worth a damn was “don’t stick your **** in crazy” and buddy you need this advice more than most.
> If your leaving then leave, stop calling round for booty calls it’s not fair on your ex or on her daughter.


I have to mention that I put her through school and she graduated last month. All this while I pushed and stayed just so that she finishes school. I supported her academically, financially, emotionally. In the process I have been conditioned into this relationship. I am trying to end this cycle and I did not realize it would be so painful for me even though I never really wanted it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Seriously? 😳 

I do not feel sorry for you.

Grow up.

If she's the one who needs to move out, then find a way to make it happen - even if it requires a police escort and a restraining order.



staying_positive said:


> I have to mention that I put her through school and she graduated last month. All this while I pushed and stayed just so that she finishes school. I supported her academically, financially, emotionally. In the process* I have been conditioned into this relationship*. I am trying to end this cycle and I did not realize it would be so painful for me *even though I never really wanted it.*


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

minimalME said:


> Seriously? 😳
> 
> I do not feel sorry for you.
> 
> ...


 Exactly. Thats what I need. I need someone to slap me into reality. I need to strategy to resist her advances when she comes around, which she will. I dont have a support system, thats another problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she knows that she can manipulate you through sex, then she very likely will. Don’t let her be anywhere near you. Don’t text or talk. No contact is what you need to be doing.


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

Openminded said:


> If she knows that she can manipulate you through sex, then she very likely will. Don’t let her be anywhere near you. Don’t text or talk. No contact is what you need to be doing.


Thats what I am planning to do once she leaves. The painful part is till she leaves.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When is she leaving?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Try this with her:
180 for Betrayed Spouses 
This can help you detach...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’re still together, she’ll continue to manipulate you. It’s up to you to not give her the opportunity.


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## staying_positive (Dec 12, 2020)

Openminded said:


> When is she leaving?


She found a place. But she has not moved yet. I think it might be this week.
The painful part is protraying herself as single in social media. She is very active and has a bunch of men following her. I did not have any social media just so that she feels secure in the relationship with me. I feel she uses the social media as a tool to manipulate jealousy in me. I promised her in the past that I will stay 100% loyal in every way as long as we are sharing the same roof. I am keeping my end of the bargain. It is just torture to see how social media is used to manipulate


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So... You are staying "loyal" and she is on social media with a bunch of male followers and is using it to make you jealous.

You see the problem here, right?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I had a (probably) bpd gf once.
Can't remember how many times I slept in my truck to get away from her constantly 
Going off and acting out. Just plain weird. Ultra, surreal weird.

Don't miss it one bit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staying_positive said:


> Exactly. Thats what I need. I need someone to slap me into reality. I need to strategy to resist her advances when she comes around, which she will. I dont have a support system, thats another problem.


Yeah, you do. We are here to be your support system.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

staying_positive said:


> Thats what I am planning to do once she leaves. The painful part is till she leaves.


The problem with this plan Captain Saveaho is since she is getting goods and services out of you, she isn’t going to just leave. 

She will stick around and extract money and utility out of you until she is completely under someone else’s care or until you cut her off and she is no longer getting resources out if you. 

I suspect you already know this and that is why you are still paying for her. You’re being this on yourself. 

There’s no substitute here for standing up for your own well being and pursuing your own best interests.........which mean you cutting her off and leaving her. 

Walk away.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So stop looking at social media and stay somewhere else until she's moved out. Then block her from every avenue. You're broken up, that's the way its meant to be - no contact.

One of my brothers was with a BPD (diagnosed) woman, they were engaged and together for 5 years. He broke it off about a year ago, he simply couldn't live like that anymore. It was a literal rollercoaster every single day. When he reached the point where he dreaded going home he knew it was time to end it.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Borderline Personality Disorder? Really? Like really???

Well then ......RUN!!!

Run far.

Run fast.

Run like your pants are on fire!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

BTW, you can find someone else to have sex with that is not disturbed. You can leave her and know that there can be intimacy with someone who is not disturbed.

Find calm in your life first. Then start your life over without trying to appease crazy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> The problem with this plan Captain Saveaho is since she is getting goods and services out of you, she isn’t going to just leave.
> 
> She will stick around and extract money and utility out of you until she is completely under someone else’s care or until you cut her off and she is no longer getting resources out if you.
> 
> ...


“Captain Saveaho” 😂😂😂
That’s up there with “Flooziebegone” 
Kudos.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I almost married someone with borderline personality. Being with him was hell on earth. You need to leave because it will NEVER get better. _hugs_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SP.

*The painful part is protraying herself as single in social media. She is very active and has a bunch of men following her.*

This is a prevue of what would have happened if you married her, the only thing keeping her from cheating now was your status as a bf and not a husband. 

Her monogamy to you would only have lasted until the wedding oddly, but I've seen the transformation so often in life. It's similar to way conmen change their tone immediately once you've given them the money.

You've dodged a very large bullet, also thank your lucky stars you ended up on this website.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SP,



notmyjamie said:


> Being with him was hell on earth. You need to leave because it will NEVER get better.


This /\ /\

I had a cousin who was quite a bit older who said the only consolation he got from his marriage was he wasn't lonely, but separate beds, she was possessive of everything, he avoided her as much as humanly possible, belittled him constantly as if she hated him, and of course no sex after they married.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> SP,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is absolutely no way to live


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> SP,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow, that would be horrendous.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> SP,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sad but many live that life.


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## hardway (Dec 11, 2020)

If you want to "stay positive," run. Run and don't look back. I have been married to a woman for over 30 years who has strong BPD traits. It only gets worse with time. If you stay, you'll never have a peaceful relationship and you will regret it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

good lord...

no wonder people who suffer from BPD are so reluctant to get help. 

they get demonized left and right.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You’d be a lot better off just renting some sex rather than paying for the entire life of your current hooker .... I mean “girlfriend”


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

staying_positive said:


> I have to mention that I put her through school and she graduated last month. All this while I pushed and stayed just so that she finishes school. I supported her academically, financially, emotionally. In the process I have been conditioned into this relationship. I am trying to end this cycle and I did not realize it would be so painful for me even though I never really wanted it.


No good deed goes unpunished...

I went through a similar situation & while I didn't put my XW through school, I paid for her to get some professional certifications she needed for her career (which were not cheap), and managed and funded changing her immigration status to permanent resident & eventually citizen. All this came at a time when I should've been more focused on myself and my career and finances. 

my XW was not diagnosed as BPD, but she checked almost all the boxes (she didn't have a drug problem and as far as I know, she never cheated, but she did constantly accuse me of looking around, cheating, flirting, or even thinking (!) about other women. It was crazy to me another adult could imagine they can control another's thoughts. 

Honestly there's no point in even TRYING to be nice to them, treat them well, or do the right thing for them. They will not appreciate it like a non-disorded person would; in fact they may resent it more. 

When I moved out and filed for divorce, I left a lot of things I probably should've taken, e.g. our mutual tax records, other personal records, all our kid's baby pictures, etc. in addition to leaving all the household furniture, kitchen stuff, which I paid for, and now needed to buy all over again. I didn't want her to accuse me of "stealing" from her. 

OF course she did that anyway, and I heard from mutual acquaintances after our divorce she was going around telling people she had to support ME (!!!) and that I stole from her and was totally irresponsible with money and finances. 

You just can't win. 

Look out for yourself. And consider the effect all this has on your son, and what kind of relationships & social behavior you're modeling for him when you tolerate this nonsense. 

Seriously... move on, see a therapist if you feel you need to, and do online dating. It's easier than ever to meet a new partner.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> good lord...
> 
> no wonder people who suffer from BPD are so reluctant to get help.
> 
> they get demonized left and right.


People with BPD don't get help because they think THEY are the awesome ones and everyone else is a moron who is beneath them. I'm not demonizing my ex, just telling it like it was. My needs and desires NEVER mattered, not once in our 3 years together. It was always about him. Found out later Mr "I love you so I don't understand why you wouldn't always want to do what makes ME happy" was cheating on me left and right...most likely with hookers because he "just needs that excitement" in his life.

If you think my descriptions are demonic than you think people with BPD are demonic. I'm just describing him exactly as he was and not exaggerating in the slightest to be honest.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

notmyjamie said:


> People with BPD don't get help because they think THEY are the awesome ones and everyone else is a moron who is beneath them. I'm not demonizing my ex, just telling it like it was. My needs and desires NEVER mattered, not once in our 3 years together. It was always about him. Found out later Mr "I love you so I don't understand why you wouldn't always want to do what makes ME happy" was cheating on me left and right...most likely with hookers because he "just needs that excitement" in his life.
> 
> If you think my descriptions are demonic than you think people with BPD are demonic. I'm just describing him exactly as he was and not exaggerating in the slightest to be honest.


they think they are so awesome that one out of every ten of them will die by suicide. yep. 
yeah, they often do ****ty things. but, the second anyone mentions BPD at all, everyone screams RUN! they will never change, they are evil, blah blah blah. in reality, they suffer far more than most people realize or will ever care to know.

just look at this thread. the OP made an armchair diagnosis. he mentioned one diagnosis because he read something about it somewhere and that is all it took to get everyone on this thread to tell him to bail. he didnt even need a doctor to determine if it really is BPD or not. all it took was the mention of BPD. 

and no, i absolutely do not think people with BPD are demonic. i love the ones in my life very much.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> they think they are so awesome that one out of every ten of them will die by suicide. yep.
> yeah, they often do ****ty things. but, the second anyone mentions BPD at all, everyone screams RUN! they will never change, they are evil, blah blah blah. in reality, they suffer far more than most people realize or will ever care to know.
> 
> just look at this thread. the OP made an armchair diagnosis. he mentioned one diagnosis because he read something about it somewhere and that is all it took to get everyone on this thread to tell him to bail. he didnt even need a doctor to determine if it really is BPD or not. all it took was the mention of BPD.
> ...


I never said they don't suffer. I described what it was like to be with someone who has it. I never used the word demonic, you did. And quite frankly, I suffered a lot. And most of the research on this illness is not very hopeful in finding a cure or even a way to manage their illness. At some point we each have to decide what we can live with...he damaged me to the point that I still have issues from it 30 years later. To me, yes, that's someone you should run from as soon as possible. 

Let me ask you, are these people with BPD who are in your life family members or partners because how they treat each can be vastly different. I wouldn't expunge someone with it from my life and even this guy I have done my best to help over the years...talked him off the ledge a number of times, he credits me with saving his life, but I can't handle having one as a partner ever again.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> they think they are so awesome that one out of every ten of them will die by suicide. yep.
> yeah, they often do ****ty things. but, the second anyone mentions BPD at all, everyone screams RUN! they will never change, they are evil, blah blah blah. in reality, they suffer far more than most people realize or will ever care to know.
> 
> just look at this thread. the OP made an armchair diagnosis. he mentioned one diagnosis because he read something about it somewhere and that is all it took to get everyone on this thread to tell him to bail. he didnt even need a doctor to determine if it really is BPD or not. all it took was the mention of BPD.
> ...


They aren't evil per se, but their actions often are. 

They are hurt. It's a hurt that will never go away, but can sometimes be managed. The key word there is sometimes, as frequently you will see BPD people refuse to even acknowledge that they have a problem, despite being confronted by a mental health professional stating so. 

Further exacerbating this point is the fact that we tend to see more worst case scenarios than best case ones on this forum.

Ultimately, hurt people hurt people. BPD'ers are a shining example of how that works. 

What you see here is people trying to advise that the juice is simply not worth the squeeze. I tend to agree with them.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

notmyjamie said:


> I never said they don't suffer. I described what it was like to be with someone who has it. I never used the word demonic, you did. And quite frankly, I suffered a lot. And most of the research on this illness is not very hopeful in finding a cure or even a way to manage their illness. At some point we each have to decide what we can live with...he damaged me to the point that I still have issues from it 30 years later. To me, yes, that's someone you should run from as soon as possible.
> 
> Let me ask you, are these people with BPD who are in your life family members or partners because how they treat each can be vastly different. I wouldn't expunge someone with it from my life and even this guy I have done my best to help over the years...talked him off the ledge a number of times, he credits me with saving his life, but I can't handle having one as a partner ever again.


both. some partners, some family members. 
and i never said they were demonic. i said they were demonized.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> They aren't evil per se, but their actions often are.
> 
> They are hurt. It's a hurt that will never go away, but can sometimes be managed. The key word there is sometimes, as frequently you will see BPD people refuse to even acknowledge that they have a problem, despite being confronted by a mental health professional stating so.
> 
> ...


yeah, we do tend to hear about the worst here...

whats funny is that i have lived quite successfully with several people who suffer from BPD. but, the way i deal with them when they are being hard to deal with is very different than what i see others doing.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> both. some partners, some family members.
> and i never said they were demonic. i said they were demonized.


Semantics...you brought the word, which is a derivitive of demon, into the conversation, not me. I simply said what I believe to be true about dealing with a person with BPD. I stand by my statement. There are degrees of it and maybe that factors into why you think it's not such a big deal. My experience was different.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

notmyjamie said:


> Semantics...you brought the word, which is a derivitive of demon, into the conversation, not me. I simply said what I believe to be true about dealing with a person with BPD. I stand by my statement. There are degrees of it and maybe that factors into why you think it's not such a big deal. My experience was different.


I seriously doubt the different degrees of the disorder have much to do with it. I just view things and do things differently than others. 

What statement do you stand by? That i think they are demonic? Because I said people suffering from BPD are demonized?

That doesn't make any sense. 

I very much disagree with the idea that they cannot change, cannot be helped. They usually go through life with people expecting them to act like everyone else. Meanwhile, nobody around them is willing to act differently themselves. 

It's like growing up with dogs and then coming across a wounded one, then blaming the wounded dog for biting out of fear. 
You can try to ignore it's wounds and expect it to act like a healthy dog, but that probably won't end well.

I kinda have up giving anyone advice a while ago regarding BPD. Its rarely taken. 

Even my wife's psychiatrist is reluctant to ever diagnose someone with BPD. The stigma is unbelievable.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> I seriously doubt the different degrees of the disorder have much to do with it. I just view things and do things differently than others.
> 
> What statement do you stand by? That i think they are demonic? Because I said people suffering from BPD are demonized?
> 
> ...


I stand by my statement that my life with my ex, who is a diagnosed BPD, was hell on earth. If you're able to look at it differently, more power to you. I simply decided that I have ONE life to live on this earth and I did not want to spend it dealing with someone else's over the top needs constantly getting top priority while mine are pushed to the side over and over...including but not limited to my emotional needs and physical safety. I left shortly after he came thisclose to punching me in the face but hit the wall instead at the last minute. All because I didn't read his mind and skip class that night so I could come home and tell him how awesome he is all night. Instead of getting hit I got called a *****, *****, ****, and any other disrepectful name he could come up with at that time.

And it's not because of how I acted and I seriously resent the implication that it ever was...he was sick and now, 30 years later he's still sick, even after 2 inpatient stays, years of therapy, and a crap load of drugs. And yes, he did graduate to hitting the women in his life. I do what I can for him now to help him but I will not be treated that way. I just won't and I don't think that makes me a bad person.

To bring this back to OP...my feeling is that there is not much you can do to change the situation so you need to decide if it's something you want to live with for the rest of your life or not??


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

notmyjamie said:


> I stand by my statement that my life with my ex, who is a diagnosed BPD, was hell on earth. If you're able to look at it differently, more power to you. I simply decided that I have ONE life to live on this earth and I did not want to spend it dealing with someone else's over the top needs constantly getting top priority while mine are pushed to the side over and over...including but not limited to my emotional needs and physical safety. I left shortly after he came thisclose to punching me in the face but hit the wall instead at the last minute. All because I didn't read his mind and skip class that night so I could come home and tell him how awesome he is all night. Instead of getting hit I got called a ***, ***, ****, and any other disrepectful name he could come up with at that time.
> 
> And it's not because of how _I_ acted and I seriously resent the implication that it ever was...he was sick and now, 30 years later he's still sick, even after 2 inpatient stays, years of therapy, and a crap load of drugs. And yes, he did graduate to hitting the women in his life. I do what I can for him now but I will not be treated that way. I just won't and I don't think that makes me a bad person.


i never said you were a bad person. i also dont think it was in any way wrong of you to leave him. what i dislike is the constant view i see everywhere, that these people are simply evil and always will be. any time anyone mentions BPD the immediate advice is to leave immediately. no. matter. what. 

and yes, i really do know what it is like. i have been beaten, stabbed, screamed at and called every name you can think of, had knives, plates, pots etc thrown at me, had my bank account drained of tens of thousands of dollars, threatened with false allegations, lied to nearly constantly, gaslighted, made the trips to the ER, gotten the red cross messages while deployed, done the intensive outpatient programs with them, etc. etc. etc.

all by people who eventually changed for the better.

i find that most people are not equiped to deal with them, and they will rarely ever listen to those who are. 

i have a tendency to ignore the advice of the "experts" here on TAM regarding BPD(you are not one of them...).


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> It's like growing up with dogs and then coming across a wounded one, then blaming the wounded dog for biting out of fear. You can try to ignore it's wounds and expect it to act like a healthy dog, but that probably won't end well.


Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. As a therapist, I don't mind working with them, although it's not my specialisation. They can be helped. But it needs a strong team in place. If they just have a lone therapist then sooner or later they often end up lodging a complaint against their therapist to the professional association, and professional associations will tend to a policy of "believe whatever the client alleges". I can't afford to lose my income off the back of that. So I'd only work with them in an an organisation that knows what it's doing, with a whole bunch of people involved: psychiatrist, therapist, mental health nurse, group therapist.....


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. As a therapist, I don't mind working with them, although it's not my specialisation. They can be helped. But it needs a strong team in place. If they just have a lone therapist then sooner or later they often end up lodging a complaint against their therapist to the professional association, and professional associations will tend to a policy of "believe whatever the client alleges". I can't afford to lose my income off the back of that. So I'd only work with them in an an organisation that knows what it's doing, with a whole bunch of people involved: psychiatrist, therapist, mental health nurse, group therapist.....


Yep. 

This is also why one of the first things i tell people is usually to carry a voice activated recorder at all times. 

For some reason, very few people even do that much. Or they get lazy with it and stop carrying it after a flip.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

As'laDain said:


> I seriously doubt the different degrees of the disorder have much to do with it. I just view things and do things differently than others.
> 
> I very much disagree with the idea that they cannot change, cannot be helped. They usually go through life with people expecting them to act like everyone else. Meanwhile, nobody around them is willing to act differently themselves.
> 
> ...


Thank you for saying this. People with BPD can love just like everyone else. They can change. They can manage their problem. They only need the right people around them, that care enough to meet them at their level and let them know that they won’t be leaving them. That alone would do wonders.

I find it funny how everyone says to run. RUN AWAY. Like they’re a ****ing animal. Not worthy of common decency or love. When a BPD loves someone, they LOVE them with the intensity of 1,000 burning suns. No wonder years later, they’re still not easily forgettable.

All they need to thrive is a partner that cares enough to help them and let’s them know that they’re worthy. Not all of them are at the level of physically hurting another or going around breaking things and flipping out. 

OP you did what a lot of them do. They tell the BPD that they’ll be by their side forever. Then they blindside them out of nowhere, taking away any sense of safety and making their problem a million times worse. Maybe a hint next time. And yes, you were wrong going to the stepmother’s (or whatever) house. You dumped her. She gets to keep her own family. So you’ve basically shunned her and still lie awake thinking about her. Get yourself a nice little sweet woman that challenges you not. Safety first. Meanwhile, you’re going to be thinking about the girl who loved you like no other, for the rest of your life. Good luck with that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

C.C. says ... said:


> Thank you for saying this. People with BPD can love just like everyone else. They can change. They can manage their problem. They only need the right people around them, that care enough to meet them at their level and let them know that they won’t be leaving them. That alone would do wonders.
> 
> I find it funny how everyone says to run. RUN AWAY. Like they’re a ****ing animal. Not worthy of common decency or love. When a BPD loves someone, they LOVE them with the intensity of 1,000 burning suns. No wonder years later, they’re still not easily forgettable.
> 
> ...


Are you an original Star Trek fan?

If so do you remember the episode where they went to this distant planet that was occupied by this scientist and his “wife.” 

The Enterprise was bringing them supplies but the scientist kept urging them to bring lots of salt.

When they got there all seemed well but soon there after the red-shirted extra died a horrible death (as all extras on Star Trek) and Dr McCoy discovered that all of the salt had been drained out of his body.

As the show progressed, more and more extras were found dead will all the salt drained out of their bodies.

They discovered that the scientist’s ‘wife’ was actually a hideous salt monster that was also a shape shifter that could take the form and appearance of a human.

The scientist pleaded with Captain Kirk that the salt monster was actually a loving creature with all the same needs and feelings and needs for love that a human does, but that she had a high need for salt to live and that as long as she had her supply of salt, she wouldn’t hurt anyone. 

Well by the end of the show, the salt monster had killed her scientist husband because it needed salt and he was all that was available at the time. 

BPDers are like the salt monster but instead of needing salt, they need drama and chaos and constant attention and to get their way all the time.

They may need love and nurturing like everyone else and they are passionate in the sack when they feel insecure and like they’ll get something good in return.

But their appetite for drama and chaos and attention and their wants will become deadly to those around them when they haven’t been stimulated enough or had enough drama.

They may be living and nice when they are in good spirits and all is going well for them (which is different than things going well for a healthy person). 

But they are dangerous and will always hurt those close to them when they need a fix or when things aren’t going their way and they need more drama. 

The thing a normal, healthy person needs to ask themselves is why should they have to put up with that crap when there are other decent, healthy people out there?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> SP,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


WHY isn't being alone better to him?? Alone and HAPPY...sounds heavenly!!!!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Are you an original Star Trek fan?
> 
> If so do you remember the episode where they went to this distant planet that was occupied by this scientist and his “wife.”
> 
> ...


thats a pretty big pile of horse...

they are not the salt monster, and they dont NEED drama. most of them are quite aware of how disruptive their impulsive behaviors are to themselves and the people they care about. they actually think they are monsters. hence why BPD carries the HIGHEST suicide rate of any mental illness. they want less drama, more stability. they just never learned the tools that most people learned to deal with everyday life. it takes time for them to form new habits, and a strong sense of motivation. motivation will always come from an external source. 

that doesn't mean they cant learn them. but nobody seems to want to teach an adult what they expect them to already know. rather, they jump ship and confirm the deep belief.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> thats a pretty big pile of horse...
> 
> they are not the salt monster, and they dont NEED drama. most of them are quite aware of how disruptive their impulsive behaviors are to themselves and the people they care about. they actually think they are monsters. hence why BPD carries the HIGHEST suicide rate of any mental illness. they want less drama, more stability. they just never learned the tools that most people learned to deal with everyday life. it takes time for them to form new habits, and a strong sense of motivation. motivation will always come from an external source.
> 
> that doesn't mean they cant learn them. but nobody seems to want to teach an adult what they expect them to already know. rather, they jump ship and confirm the deep belief.


Even if so- why put up with that when there are people without BPD out there? 

I’m not calling for them to be rounded up, stuffed into box cars and hauled off to death camps. 

But I’m certainly not going to get into a relationship with one nor would I recommend anyone else get involved with one either.

If you want to be a Captain Saveaho and conduct your social experiments and provide sanctuary for the Island of Misfit Toys and put up with their crap, that’s your right and your prerogative. 

But when these wannabe knights in shining armor write in here saying their lives are being turned upside and being driven to the nuthouse themselves because they are with some BPDer, my advice and the advice of many other posters here is - don’t be with a BPDer because that’s what BPDers do.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

where is @Uptown 
he used to give a lot really good advice concerning this topic. 

i think he might agree with me on something...

most people should not be in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. a lot of times, you have to out-manipulate someone who literally grew up feeling like their life depended on their ability to manipulate others, in order to get them to seek help and develop effective coping mechanisms. but they are the people who need it the most. they are the ones that are most likely to die of their mental illness.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Even if so- why put up with that when there are people without BPD out there?
> 
> I’m not calling for them to be rounded up, stuffed into box cars and hauled off to death camps.
> 
> ...


ok, so how many people get into a relationship KNOWING that someone suffers from BPD? 

i have never met someone who knowingly entered a relationship with someone who suffered from BPD. besides myself. and the one time i did, it really wasnt hard. all the normal BPD behavior was there, i just had lots of experience dealing with it at that point, so i knew what worked and what didnt. 

people come here asking for advice on how to deal with someone with BPD that they are already in a relationship with. they only advice they usually get is to leave.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> and yes, i really do know what it is like. i have been beaten, stabbed, screamed at and called every name you can think of, had knives, plates, pots etc thrown at me, had my bank account drained of tens of thousands of dollars, threatened with false allegations, lied to nearly constantly, gaslighted, made the trips to the ER, gotten the red cross messages while deployed, done the intensive outpatient programs with them, etc. etc. etc.


You are making the case for just walking away very strong here.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Even if so- why put up with that when there are people without BPD out there?
> 
> I’m not calling for them to be rounded up, stuffed into box cars and hauled off to death camps.
> 
> ...


on a side note, i find it funny that you call me captain saveaho. 

because my way of addressing destructive BPD behaviors often gets me called a sociopath.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> You are making the case for just walking away very strong here.


why? because things were bad before i figured out how to deal with it?

most people who come here because a significant other suffers from, or is suspected to suffer from BPD also have bad experiences. they are usually asking how they can change things. what they can do to make things better. 

they usually dont have the stones to do the things that prompt a healthy outcome.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> ok, so how many people get into a relationship KNOWING that someone suffers from BPD?
> 
> i have never met someone who knowingly entered a relationship with someone who suffered from BPD. besides myself. and the one time i did, it really wasnt hard. all the normal BPD behavior was there, i just had lots of experience dealing with it at that point, so i knew what worked and what didnt.
> 
> people come here asking for advice on how to deal with someone with BPD that they are already in a relationship with. they only advice they usually get is to leave.


Because that is what breaking up was invented for. 

The break up was developed so that people don’t have to be stuck with someone that is turning their lives upside down, harming them or driving them to the brink of insanity.

People are not entitled to relationships. 

If someone treats their partner bad, causes chaos, cheats on them, hurts them, turns their lives upside down -

THEY DESERVE TO GET DUMPED.

People have a right to preserve their own sanity, safety and joy in life. No one deserves to be indentured to someone that treats them bad and brings chaos into their life.

In modern, western society, we choose our own mates and part of that privaledge is to be able to terminate a relationship that isn’t working for us.

If someone has a disorder, the onus is on THEM to fix themselves if they want to be in a relationship.

The onus is not on the other party to put up with their crap.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> why? because things were bad before i figured out how to deal with it?
> 
> most people who come here because a significant other suffers from, or is suspected to suffer from BPD also have bad experiences. they are usually asking how they can change things. what they can do to make things better.
> 
> they usually dont have the stones to do the things that prompt a healthy outcome.


I figured out how to deal with it that didn’t put me in the hospital, didn’t get me stabbed, didn’t cost me 10s of thousands of dollars in repairing damage to my house and car and therapy bills. 

- I walked away and found someone that wasn’t cray-cray.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> on a side note, i find it funny that you call me captain saveaho.
> 
> because my way of addressing destructive BPD behaviors often gets me called a sociopath.


I don’t think you’re a sociopath. 

Masochist maybe LOL

I’ve known a number of guys over the years that have put up with these crazies and they weren’t sociopaths either.

IMHO they were the nerds, dorks, geeks and Melvin’s that couldn’t get girls in their teens/early 20s and when this purdy little thang came along that screwed them every way but inside and a swallowed them for the first time, they ignored the early red flags and cling on for dear life. 

Then they spent the next 10 years chasing that initial high after the wild monkey sex dried up after the first 6 months and the next 10 years was repairing holes in the walls, damage to cars, bailing them out of jail, hauling them to detox programs and mosaic of shrinks, counselors, therapists and witch doctors. 

.....all because they didn’t think they could get someone that wasn’t disordered.

A guy that stays with a BPDer is part rescuer, part Knight In Shining Armor, part Tinkerer that thinks he can take an old broken down jalopy and fix it up into Lexus that will screw him every way but inside out again .... and a guy with his own self esteem issues that doesn’t think he can get better.

You’re trying to make working with a BPDer sound honorable and chivalrous.

It’s not. It’s sad and disheartening.

You can do better if you work on yourself and understand your own self worth.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I figured out how to deal with it that didn’t put me in the hospital, didn’t get me stabbed, didn’t cost me 10s of thousands of dollars in repairing damage to my house and car and therapy bills.
> 
> - I walked away and found someone that wasn’t cray-cray.


funny. of all the things that we did, the thing that seemed to help my wife out the least was therapy. because, what exactly can a therapist do but listen to them rant and provide suggestions? they have no ability to provide motivation. unless they are just super motivational speakers, and i havent met a therapist yet that works that way. 

what worked was very different. i found out what she was afraid of and used it to motivate her. and she made changes, lasting changes. nowadays, she is far more capable, far more confident, far more successful. 

she does take some medications. mood stabilizers. she finds that it helps keep the "brain fog" away. 

i get the fact that i have odd views on relationships and marriage. i dont expect fidelity. i dont expect commitment. i do what i do because it keeps me from being bored, and because i do actually care about the people in my life. if everyone left me tomorrow, i would just move on with life. 

but im not going to leave.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t think you’re a sociopath.
> 
> Masochist maybe LOL
> 
> ...


Chivalrous? part of the reason i stopped giving advice here was because everything i said seemed cruel to the person i said it to. 

as for the type that i am, im the guy who is attracted to danger. i mean, come on... i was combat arms for 13 years, fought in three wars, and still hunt down terrorists for a living.
and i like to lead. i like to see people grow into something new and better, and i like knowing that i played a part in it. even better if im the whole reason. i am the kind of person who smiles and laughs when he gets bitten while holding a dog down, cutting its gangrenous leg off, and sewing it back up(and yes, i have done this with my 18D). call me selfish. 

no, it is not chivelrous nor honorable. it is not dishonorable either. everything i do is for my own benefit. EVERYTHING. everyone is the same in that sense, but nobody is willing to admit it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

C.C. says ... said:


> When a BPD loves someone, they LOVE them with the intensity of 1,000 burning suns. No wonder years later, they’re still not easily forgettable.


Oh they’re unforgettable alright LOL I’m sure my old car still has the key scratches into the metal LOL

The problem with your 1000 burning suns analogy is those suns all burn out in a number of months, maybe a year and that sex spigot gets turned off cold.

The monkey sex lasts a few months until they start to feel “smothered” and “controlled” ( in situations a normal person would just consider being in a normal, healthy relationship).

When their need for drama and chaos isn’t met, they create it. Then they blame the partner and everyone else. 

The monkey sex stops for a myriad of excuses, usually stemming from all the uncles and cousins and brothers and brither’s friends that all raped and molested them and all the high school boyfriends that raped and abused them blah blah blah.

And then once they start going out with the GFs to get away from all this “smothering and controlling” then the hook ups with ransoms at the bar begin.

Yeah they love with the burning of 1000 suns alright - it’s called gonorrhea.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

You might ask why i love the BPD sufferers in my life, when they do so much crazy stuff. 

It's a simple answer. They cant hurt me, i know this. There is nothing they can take from me that is so precious to me that I am afraid to lose it. 

And i care about them. 

Oddly enough, i usually end up preferring partners who suffer this condition and are willing to stick with me while we figure it the **** out. 

Those relationships get forged in fire.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@C.C. says ... 

Actually I was fortunate in that I had watched one of my best friends and a couple other buddies get involved with these chicks. It’s always better to learn from someone else’s mistakes if you can. 

The one person with BPD that I got with was in my mid 20s. Very pretty. Very pleasant and personable, flirty. 

Took her out on a legit date.. ended the night making flames between the sheets. 

From then she was calling all hours of the day and night. Showing up at my door at any time.

At first I was flattered and smitten thinking this gal was really into me. Daily love bombing. 

As time went on the truth started to come out. History of CSA, drug issues, personality disorder, meds, shrinks etc. 

A few weeks went by and the sex was still hot but it was obvious she wasn’t relationship material. 

After a few weeks I had a couple week training exercise in the middle of Wyoming with the Natl Guard and had mail but little access to landline phones (this was back in the ‘80s)

I send a couple letters with no reply.

When I got home, her roommate contacted me. She told me this gal ordered cable tv a few days after I left. She got down with the cable guy and they got hot and heavy in a matter of days.

Cable guy was getting transferred halfway across the country and asked her if she wanted to go. She through a bag in the car, told her baby daddy he could have their son (he already had primary custody) and off she went. Sacked the roommate with all the rent and utilities.

I never saw or heard from her again.

She was madly in love with me, asking me how many kids I wanted and what we should name them, to moving across the country with the cable guy, all in less than two weeks.

So no, I did not get burned or get my heart broken. I dodged a bullet though.

By that time I had seen my friends dealing with these chicks and I had had a few healthy LTRs under my belt so I knew she wasn’t relationship material.

My buddies on the other had spent years and years dealing with shrinks and therapists and meds and damage to their houses and cars etc. 

And for what? A piece of tail that was good for a few months?? 

There are crazy chicks in this world, but you also have to worry about these guys that keep trying to fix them.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Before I make this post, let me say that none of it is directed at any poster in the thread or their own personal experiences...For all I know every one is affected and has been with the poster child for this behavioral condition...

That being said....BPD is a lot like "narcissism" in the sense that many people who for whatever reason need to find justification why a particular significant other doesn't eat out of their hands and do whatever they wanted to do, seek to find a reason for it..Or if they felt disrespected or mistreated that it can't possibly be their fault or a simple mismatch in personalities, we as a society, now need to find a pathological reason or cause of why this all happened...

Many of the people that claim that they were victims of classic narcissists or BPDers don't even realize that once the relationship ended, then that person found someone else and NONE of the same behavior was being displayed....The people got along as harmoniously as any other "normal" couple...

Point is, we all need to be careful how we throw around labels at people...Just because some of the experiences that were discovered in the relationship "fit" the criteria of these conditions, doesn't necessarily make it so....You just brought out the worst in that person...for whatever the reason. and it may not even be your fault!!....

Many people aren't universally liked/loved....I'm one of those people....If you ask people that know me, you will generally get the same answer, but there will be some at the outer ends of the scale...Yet there are a lot of people(most people I presume). that are kind of in the middle...They are generally amenable, non confrontational, "milquetoast", etc...They don't understand why some people aren't like them, so they attach some kind of label or decide to play internet psycho analyst when they run into one....

It's definitely a real condition, same as "true" narcissism....But just like narcissism, its a lot rarer than most people make it out to be and quite possibly just "situational" in the sense that it's not shown to anyone, unless that person is actually triggered by a particular individual that may just not be at all on the same page....Despite what romance novels and some tabloids suggest, people don't always meet by way of destiny, where all boxes of compatibility are carefully and magically aligned...In many cases its all about being horny as hell and wanting to get off...That other stuff just winds up showing up after the fact....

.02


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> Many of the people that claim that they were victims of classic narcissists or BPDers don't even realize that once the relationship ended, then that person found someone else and NONE of the same behavior was being displayed....The people got along as harmoniously as any other "normal" couple...
> 
> It's definitely a real condition, same as "true" narcissism....But just like narcissism, its a lot rarer than most people make it out to be and quite possibly just "situational"


I would definitely agree that a lot of these arm chair diagnosis of narcs and BPDers are likely just garden variety trainwrecks and misfits. 

But in the case of one of my best friends, he married and subsequently divorced 2 diagnosed BPDs back to back (they may be crazy, but he’s a dumbass) And no, they did NOT go on to live normal lives. 

They are still leaving a swath of disorder and drama in their wake. 

Some of them will cause less actual destruction as they get older just because people tend to get lazy and just sit around more once they’re in their 50s and are slowing down and getting tired and achey.

But I would disagree that they move on and then lead normal, orderly lives.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Before I make this post, let me say that none of it is directed at any poster in the thread or their own personal experiences...For all I know every one is affected and has been with the poster child for this behavioral condition...
> 
> That being said....BPD is a lot like "narcissism" in the sense that many people who for whatever reason need to find justification why a particular significant other doesn't eat out of their hands and do whatever they wanted to do, seek to find a reason for it..Or if they felt disrespected or mistreated that it can't possibly be their fault or a simple mismatch in personalities, we as a society, now need to find a pathological reason or cause of why this all happened...
> 
> ...


I agree with you completely that these diagnosis are thrown around a lot and people need to be careful with it. And yes, there is a HUGE difference between someone who is selfish and controlling with someone with the true diagnosis of narcisstism. So, for the sake of clarification, the person I described in my above posts was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies by a team of doctors who took 3 months to come to their conclusion so it was definitely done with careful consideration. I did not diagnose him myself. This diagnosis came years after I had broken up with him.

I do not, however, believe, for even one nanosecond, that someone with this true diagnosis will go on to lead a normal, healthy life with someone else. An illness such as BPD does not magically go away because you find a new partner.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

I read there are estimates that around 1.6% of the population has BPD. And I assume that's "full blown BPD"... since it's a spectrum disorder, and there are degrees of it. I suppose that someone who is only "mild BPD" could find a new partner who doesn't trigger them as much and maybe coexist more-or-less with them? 

If someone is strong BPD, I agree with Livvie 100% they won't get along no matter who they're with. Maybe different partners will be more tolerant of the abuse and mistreatment, but the same behaviors and dysfunction will be present in the relationship. 

For a while, my D would tell me about all the fighting her mom (my xw) and her new BF would do, and that she asked her mom to "promise to stop fighting, but she broke that promise."

Then after a few weeks of not hearing anything more, I asked her if there was still a lot of fighting at home, and asked how she was doing... she said "no, they don't fight, they just discuss things."

I assume she mentioned to her mom she told me about the fighting, which resulted in her getting screamed at and "coached" not to tell me anything else. So the conflict is still there.

pwBPD might present as "normal," realizing on some level that if their reputaton precedes them, they won't be able to find new relationships.


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