# Please help me stay strong with 'going dark'



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

This will be very hard for me b/c I want answers or maybe not even answers, I just want to feel better and I know that my stbxh can't give me comfort right now but I have decided to 'go dark' on him. I advised him today that he is to no longer contact me unless it is about the kids. If he feels he needs to contact me for any other reason, then he needs to email me only. 

He keeps coming at me with this child support and giving me a sob story that he can't afford to pay me what I am asking when I am paying more in just child care and just his insurance then what he wants to pay me. He has no idea that I am going to a lawyer really soon as soon as I can get the money together to do it and I am going to fight him on this. I will not allow him to manipulate me into being strapped for money when he is the one that gave up on his family and refuses to take any blame for it.

So far, since I told him not to contact me anymore, he sent two texts asking me why I was doing this and that he was trying to be cordial. Then he asked what time I was dropping off kids and I told him in one word. THen he texted me again saying that "he doesn't want things to be this way with us and that he is trying to stay cordial through all of this" and I won't respond!

Please remind how important this is for me to regain power over my life. He hurts me everytime that we talk by telling me that he just wants me to be happy and that he didn't want this but it is the only option that we now have and that is to divorce. It hurts everytime he does this and I can't move forward.

I am determined to no longer talk to him about anything other than the kids and that is it. No more feelings, no more child support as I have told him to pay whatever he deems fit until we divorce while I am keeping track of everything that is spent and have a notebook ready for my lawyer. This helps to regain some control of a situation that I didn't want to be in and I need to remember this!

Again, please remind me how important it is for myself to go through with this and detach from him all the way! Thanks so much!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Keeping contact with him will only mess with your head and keep you from detaching and moving on. You need to worry about you and your kids now. He doesn't need to chit chat with you. By you going no contact YOU are now in control - he may not like that. Guess what - its too bad for him - its time to worry about you!! Oh and by the way - the way you want to handle things- strictly e mails about the kids - is being "cordial" enough in this situation.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sherri,

Sorry you are going through this and we will survive and thrive.

I am coming up on a year and I am doing pretty well under the circumstances. Every contact with an X sucks you back into the pain and misery of the stiuation. Going dark gives you a chance to keep working on yourself (which it sounds like you are doing) without othe baggage of the crappy situation.

I know that everytime I have contact it brings me down all damn day. No contact, I feel positive and ready to keep moving forward into my new life.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback and support! I had to drop the kids off at his place this morning, which I do every Wed b/c it is his day. Normally, he meets us downstairs and today, he didn't and wouldn't answer his phone so I followed the kids upstairs and they knocked on his door. He opened it and we had to talk to our daughter about some trouble she got into yesterday and the whole time I was panicking b/c I am not ready to see his place and haven't been in there, nor do I want to go in there .. it hurts too bad. So, I gave the kids a kiss goodbye and hugs and walked away. He asks me, as I was walking away, if I wanted to have a cup of coffee with him and I said no and kept walking. Got to my truck and cried like a baby but at least he didn't see that.

It hurts ... everything hurts and I am so ready for it not to anymore. Why would he even ask me that? I don't want him to be nice, I don't want things to be cordial, I am still angry and hurt. Please, I just want to stop hurting so bad!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That's great- you stood strong - be proud of yourself!!! Trust me you may have cried because you were overwhelmed but it would have been much more painful if you had gone in for that cup of coffee. Today you took a step forward - if you had chosen to stay it would have been a step backward. The unfortunate part was you had to walk to his door - it's too bad the exchange couldnt have been done without you speaking to him at all. I will tell you this will get easier just stay strong! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I feel your pain. I know it is NOT easy for you. Be Stong.
All My Best
VH


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thank-you SmallSteps and VH ... I have followed both of your stories and I am sorry that you are both here as well. THis board has been my lifeline and I am so glad that I have it. I had to talk to stbxh earlier today b/c my daughter wanted to talk to me and she handed the phone to him without saying goodbye to me and I thought she was handing it to my son. So, I was taken back. He just talked about some credit card issue he had and told me what he was doing with the kids and that he had to get his truck fixed or something. I just told him to have fun with the kids and bye and hung up. Haven't heard anything since but I am ok with it. I stayed busy by working on my yard and flowers and then went to dinner with a friend. Came home to an empty house and I am sad again, but I just have to keep moving forward, right? 

He has made me feel like I am not worthy anymore and I know this isn't true in the back of my mind, but that is how I feel now and it makes me so angry b/c I am not the one that went outside of our marriage so why am I left blaming myself, it is so silly but so hard not to do. 

I don't miss him. I think about how tonight would be so different if we were still together and I would hate it b/c he always had off on Wed and I would dread it b/c if I wanted to do something like go to the gym or read a book, he would flip out b/c I wasn't spending his time off work with him. I am so glad that I don't have to put up with that anymore so I don't know why I am so sad and heartbroken? I guess it is the rejection and the hurt that comes along with that. He has destroyed me in so many ways and I need to learn to rebuild myself back up now! THanks for reading and I hope tomorrow is a good day.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It will be - these feelings are going to happen. I still once in a while do the same thing - I think gee what would it be like if he were here but I don't miss him per se.

You handled the phone call well. You've had 2 tests in a short amount of time and you have done well - be proud of yourself for that. 

Stop feeling that you are not worthy - you did not cheat - he did. You have NOTHING to be ashamed or feel bad about!!!! Don't forget that.

One day at a time sherri- that's more than enough right now.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Sherri

New to your thread. Your husband sounds like a maroon. 

It's just going to take time. But you will get through this. 

BW


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks again for the feedback and uplifting words. ANd BW --- that made me chuckle. He is so good and having everyone think that he is mr innocent in this situation and that we just grew apart b/c I have kept my mouth shut about the affair and he is telling everyone that it wasn't an affair and that he didnt cheat on me .. it was just a friend and a few texts so I took care of that really quick in case it goes to court. I had the woman that he was messing with send me an email about everything that they talked about, how long they talked about it and how often they talked and met up so I would have it on paper. He has no idea I have it, I am just sitting back and watching him dig his hole.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Thanks again for the feedback and uplifting words. ANd BW --- that made me chuckle. He is so good and having everyone think that he is mr innocent in this situation and that we just grew apart b/c I have kept my mouth shut about the affair and he is telling everyone that it wasn't an affair and that he didnt cheat on me .. it was just a friend and a few texts so I took care of that really quick in case it goes to court. I had the woman that he was messing with send me an email about everything that they talked about, how long they talked about it and how often they talked and met up so I would have it on paper. He has no idea I have it, I am just sitting back and watching him dig his hole.


Lol - nice work & good thinking!!!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Last night was a complete failure. I ended up having to talk to his mother and she is not a good person. She will give you the shirt off her back, but once you turn around, she will stab you. I know this and I knew not to talk to her but my daughter was talking to her and she asked to speak to me about my daughters sizes in clothes. All she wanted to talk about was refinancing the home in my name, child support issues and other things that she thought she was an expert in. I pissed her off b/c I told her our laws and I was pretty stern about it when I have always been very passive with her. You can't win with her and no matter what you say, you are wrong and she will let everyone know it. She is not someone that I will miss at all through this divorce but she loves my kids, so I try to remain respectful. She is also a huge reason that my stbxh thinks he did nothing wrong with having a relationship with another woman b/c he was so lonely and I wasn't there for him, blah,blah,blah. Her husband is an alcoholic so she is very much to being an enabler and she does it with her son too. But when I got off the phone with her, I was so upset b/c she basically told me that my stbxh is ready for the divorce and excited about his future, that he is going to quit smoking and go back to school and try to find a more suitable job for family life. I was hurt of course, because these are all things that I really wanted from him b/c his job really took a toll on our family b/c of the hours that he worked.

Anyway, at that point, although I knew I shouldn't I texted the stbxh and told him I had talked to his mom ... so much for going dark, I feel like a fool this morning. And the text wars started from there. I was at a ballgame with my kids and he sent this text to me ...

"I will always love you for being the mother of our kids .. that will never change .. this past year has changed how I feel about you and I ... I don't hate you at all .. I feel that we just won't ever be able to rebound from everything that has happened ... its not that I don't love you .. I think we will be happier on our own"

I broke down, in front of my kids, something that I swore I would never do but I couldn't help it. THis is a man that I gave my all too and never quit on my marriage, even after the lies and the affair and now he is trying to say that we can't rebound from this. He is a coward that can't face that he would have to build the trust back up and he walked away b/c it is harder to stay and fight and I felt like I wasn't worth the fight, when I know that I am. 

I didn't text him back after that until I got home and couldn't find the drill to hang some things up in my garage and found out he took it without me knowing. I flew off the handle .. told him he is not allowed to take anything else out of this house. He brought up a lie that his mom told him that I never said in our conversation and I told him that she needs to keep out of this b/c all she has ever done is destroy our marriage and he told me to watch my mouth b/c he doesn't have to put up with me talking bad about his mother anymore. I told him he was right b/c she loved our kids and I need to respect her for that reason alone but outside of that, she needs to stay out of my life. 

HE told me that he was going to bed to sleep peacefully and at least he could sleep on a bed (this is b/c I wouldn't allow him back into our bed once I found out about the affair) and I told him that he made that bed and was too much of a coward to try and fix it. He then texted me a few times and I didn't respond back anymore. I realized then that I had messed up big time by even letting it get to that point.

I knew in my head that I shouldn't have responded at all and that I shouldn't have talked to his mom ... all it does it bring me down. I fell apart last night reading that text b/c if you didn't know the background .. which most people don't b/c he can't stand to be looked at as the bad guy, then you would think he was being so sincere and that he really loved me but he is a liar and a manipulator and I get so angry that he is living in this world where he has convinced himself that he is going to be happier without me.

Arg, why do I do this to myself?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You are a human being with feelings, thats OK, a small step back but you have made giant leaps. You will look back at all this and be proud that you have put your dignity where it belongs. You will not be ashamed or kick yourself later for chasing after him and allowing him to treat you bad. i have been following your post, I am amazed of how strong you have been and how you have been open to all advise.

Chalk it up as this: He's a *hole she's (EMIL) a b!tch. You are awesome!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

We never really believe that going dark is the right decision because we want the other person to understand how much we care and many of us our desire to work to change is sincere.

Having said that, that first morning after no contact that you realize that you feel a little better than the last time you had contact sets us on the path to be more disciplined.

You can do it and you will be better off for it. It is healing and healing is what we all need.

You are strong, stay strong,
Stretch


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks so much Mablenc. I don't feel strong and I seem to feel better after I read that people view me as being strong b/c I feel so weak when I expose that he is hurting me and he knows it. THe main thing that makes me so upset is that he seems like he is on this high horse and he is the one that decided to turn his back on our marriage b/c he was too much of a coward to face what he did and work on the trust issues to fix our marriage. And I have to say, that he tried in the only way he knows how to for about 4 months, but that was by pushing me, yelling at me b/c I set boundaries with sex and him staying the night here at the house. He just never understood that he broke me and my trust with his affair and that it takes times to regroup after that. And then after that was working again, we still had other issues that we needed to work through. But he wanted to jump straight into all my issues and blame those issues on why he did what he did. I wasn't the perfect wife, but I would have NEVER stepped out on my marriage or sat in counseling while having another man on the side. I get so angry just typing it.

I need to let go but it is so hard but I am trying!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey - we all do it. Ive had a few conversations with mine that I get so angry over I end up getting mad at myself. You know what though- you learn from it and don't let it happen again. This is a learning process - don't dwell on it - move on from it. You'll be more cautious next time - don't let him and his mother suck you in - turn around and walk away (or shut the phone off - you get what I mean lol)


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Stretch said:


> We never really believe that going dark is the right decision because we want the other person to understand how much we care and many of us our desire to work to change is sincere.
> 
> Having said that, that first morning after no contact that you realize that you feel a little better than the last time you had contact sets us on the path to be more disciplined.
> 
> ...


Thanks Stretch. Yes, going dark is hard b/c you look to that person to make you feel better .. even just a little bit better but I have learned that nothing he says makes me feel better .. ever. But I still let it get to me sometimes. I am trying and I will keep trying!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Thanks Stretch. Yes, going dark is hard b/c you look to that person to make you feel better .. even just a little bit better but I have learned that nothing he says makes me feel better .. ever. But I still let it get to me sometimes. I am trying and I will keep trying!


That's the key - don't look for him to make you happy - he can't and he won't. Look to make yourself happy. Look to your kids - friends & family to give you encouraging words and put a smile on your face (hey and we can be a fun bunch around here once in a while.  )


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, I failed big time this week in the 'going dark' idea. He upset me so bad and I ended up finding out that he is seeing someone else and that she works with him and I lost it. It just hurts so much to know that someone that you spent your life with for 12 years moves that easily into someone else. He said b/c they weren't dating yet and just talking bc he wants to be divorced before he does anything with her but I doubt that b/c he didn't respect the marriage before, why would he now when I would never know. I said a lot of mean things and had to actually apologize to him b/c I felt so bad for letting myself get out of control like that but it hurt and I reacted with my heart. 

I honestly don't know how to control myself? He is doing things like taking stuff out of the garage that I don't know about after I have asked him not to when he comes to pick up the kids. He won't give me back the garage door opener and is taking my kids to an employee party tomorrow where I know she will be there. And if they have gone public at work, then everyone will know and my kids will be around her. It makes me sick to my stomach?

I know I need to let this all go and it is out of my hands but I can barely manage to breath most of the time so I don't know how I am going to get through this. I know the logical way is to dive into something to keep me busy like working out or something new but it takes everything out of me to daily things like laundry and showering .. how can I get myself to do other things? I just don't know how to do this or how I am going to make it?

He seems fine. He told me that this has all nearly killed him but I don't see that side. He is good and hiding his pain, if he really is in pain. 

Help me ... I am so lost and upset.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I understand what you are going through and it is painful. I find it very difficult not to contact my stbxh of 30 years. I think he also may be with the ow. It makes me sick and my heart actually hurts. We can't breakdown and call them. Don't do it. Be strong. When you get weak, just think of me. We can do it.
VH


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm so sorry this is happening - I know the feeling all too well. My stbxh left in January after 24&1/2 yrs of marriage to go live with ow. It took six months for me to find out that ow was someone he worked with 20 years ago and kept in touch with. It was like a double punch. 

That's what is happening to you. The first shock was when he moved out the second is this. You can get through this though. Everyone finds different ways to do this. Do you have friends you can get out of the house with? Who you can call and talk with? I couldn't get into any big project for a while but I did rely on my friends a lot in the beginning.

Get yourself to a lawyer now - go for a consult and know your rights. He cant just keep coming and taking things. Pack his stuff up and leave it out for him to pick up. After the night mine left I did not allow him back into the house.

He may seem fine but don't let that get to you. Mine looked fine but six months later hes a medical disaster area. Now is the time to go no contact and take care of yourself. We're here for you if you need us. Keep posting and stay strong!!!


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## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

read your thread. I feel bad for you and will keep you in my prayers.You WILL HAVE to find something to distract you,but it takes time to process things. come here to do it.get your feelings out so you can think straight.when you want to text him talk to us instead and QUIT beating yourself up.You're a great person no matter what you feel at this time.BE honest with us and let us love you until you can love yourself.:


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I am the weakest at night. Although I know he isn't a nice person, I still miss him.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I understand what you are going through and it is painful. I find it very difficult not to contact my stbxh of 30 years. I think he also may be with the ow. It makes me sick and my heart actually hurts. We can't breakdown and call them. Don't do it. Be strong. When you get weak, just think of me. We can do it.
> VH


Thanks so much! It is very hard not to respond to a text or reach out when you are in pain. After 30 years, I couldn't even imagine! My prayers are with you!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm so sorry this is happening - I know the feeling all too well. My stbxh left in January after 24&1/2 yrs of marriage to go live with ow. It took six months for me to find out that ow was someone he worked with 20 years ago and kept in touch with. It was like a double punch.
> 
> That's what is happening to you. The first shock was when he moved out the second is this. You can get through this though. Everyone finds different ways to do this. Do you have friends you can get out of the house with? Who you can call and talk with? I couldn't get into any big project for a while but I did rely on my friends a lot in the beginning.
> 
> ...


I am waiting on funds for a lawyer and just took out a hardship withdrawl from my 401k to be able to do it. I need to get all that under control b/c right now, he is calling the shots and it upsets me so bad when he thinks he can pay whatever he wants in childsupport and take my kids wherever he pleases and come into this house whenever he wants. I feel helpless and getting a lawyer, I hope will help with that!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

chazmataz3 said:


> read your thread. I feel bad for you and will keep you in my prayers.You WILL HAVE to find something to distract you,but it takes time to process things. come here to do it.get your feelings out so you can think straight.when you want to text him talk to us instead and QUIT beating yourself up.You're a great person no matter what you feel at this time.BE honest with us and let us love you until you can love yourself.:


THis brought tears to my eyes, thanks so much. I feel so much support from this board b/c there are people going through this and know the pain. It is hard when you have friends that have no idea how bad it hurts and tries to give you advice and although they mean the best ... they don't understand when they say things like "you have to get past this anger so you two can parent the kids together" I know this and I would love for that to be easy, but it isn't. I am getting off topic but I wanted to say thanks and I will always try to come back here!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I am the weakest at night. Although I know he isn't a nice person, I still miss him.


Yes, the nights are the worse and I actually work at night, from home and it makes it so hard! He came over tonight and took things out of the house when he picked up the kids. It was just tools that I don't need but I am so tired of him taking things without asking me. THen he told me he wasn't giving me back the garage door opener until the divorce or once I refinance ... I just laughed b/c I know that will change when I go to a lawyer! Thanks again ... nights are so very hard, aren't they!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> I am waiting on funds for a lawyer and just took out a hardship withdrawl from my 401k to be able to do it. I need to get all that under control b/c right now, he is calling the shots and it upsets me so bad when he thinks he can pay whatever he wants in childsupport and take my kids wherever he pleases and come into this house whenever he wants. I feel helpless and getting a lawyer, I hope will help with that!


No,no,no. Time to set up some rules. He walked out - that's his choice, he doesn't get to walk in and out as he pleases. The night mine left my brother came over and changed my locks and a lock got put on the gate into the back yard. I was in the lawyers office the next week getting a consult. Even if you go for a free consult until you have money to hire one GO NOW!! You can not allow him to walk all over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I am going through the same crap here. 

He called this morning to ask if he "left any jeans" here. I said "yes, as well as other clothing and all your toiletries. I will put them in a box and leave them in the garage." 

He seemed surprised by my matter-of-fact tone.

Then he said to me, "I took your advice and I am starting to write my feelings everyday." 

I didn't say a word. 

Then, get this.......this is a classic: 

He said, "The place where I am staying does not have a washer and dryer. Can I pop over once a week to do my laundry?'

WTF...........I could just VOMIT !!!!!!!!

Very Hurt


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I am going through the same crap here.
> 
> He called this morning to ask if he "left any jeans" here. I said "yes, as well as other clothing and all your toiletries. I will put them in a box and leave them in the garage."
> 
> ...


Wow -- not cool at all! Hope that you said no. I allowed this as well and it hurt everytime he was over at the house. THen when he had to start doing the clothes at the laundry mat, I heard how bad it was for him. It never gets easier!


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## Jenslp12 (Jul 27, 2013)

Seriously, I got the same scenario. No w/d and so much money to do laundry. And yes, he brought a bag over the other day and just did it. Not again. Stay strong.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So this week has been mostly drama free and I haven't had to contact stbxh. I have decided to let the garage door opener go as there isn't much he can take out of there that I really care about. I have taken pics and if he takes anything that means anything to me, then I will just give it to my lawyer.

As far as the child support goes .. he is still fighting me on this but I refuse to talk wiht him about it. I let him know that I have started a case with DSS on it and that there calculations were the same as mine and here is the response that I got

"Wy does this seemlike its all about money to you and how much you can stick me for ... I don't mean this to be harsh but your also affecting the opportunities that I can enjoy eith the kids too .. does that make sense"

And I am not going to respond to that. First of all, he hides about $15 in cash tips that he makes ... does that seem fair to anyone here but I am letting that go. I could get alimony b/c his worthless butt cheated on me but I am not doing that either .. does that seem fair? I let him take whatever he wanted out of the house, even though he chose to leave .. does that seem fair? He ruined me and he wants to live this high life .. does that seem fair. He can shove it for as far as I am concerned. I can't wait to talk with my lawyer and have a book of docs and notes providing all the info that I need and it is all organized to cut down on time spent and to have it all ready out for her. I am so over his stupid pity parties and I am not responding to that text .... please help me to be strong and not reply to that text!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Why aren't you going for alimony? Im going to be entitled to lifetime alimony and you better believe I am going to go for it. He screwed up - not me. Every month when he has to write that check - he'll remember that. You are being too nice.

Don't take the bait - do not text him back!! Don't even listen to his whining - hes just pulling a pity party and wants you to feel bad for him.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes he is small steps and I didn't respond to the text but got a call this morning from him and I thought it was my kids b/c they call me every morning when they are with him and he was on the line. I guess one of my Amazon kindle charges went through to our old acct that I am still on so he told me to stop using HIS acct. I said ok, I will make sure that doesn't happen again and hung up.

I am getting stronger and I can feel it. Some nights are harder than others and it gets to me but for the most part, I am feeling better. Getting ready to see the lawyer helps and starting up the child support case with DSS really helps too.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Yes he is small steps and I didn't respond to the text but got a call this morning from him and I thought it was my kids b/c they call me every morning when they are with him and he was on the line. I guess one of my Amazon kindle charges went through to our old acct that I am still on so he told me to stop using HIS acct. I said ok, I will make sure that doesn't happen again and hung up.
> 
> I am getting stronger and I can feel it. Some nights are harder than others and it gets to me but for the most part, I am feeling better. Getting ready to see the lawyer helps and starting up the child support case with DSS really helps too.


It will help. Make sure you take all the advice they give you. 
It's not going to go away overnight - but setting up boundaries and seeing the lawyer is a good start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am having a rough night tonight and I am not sure why? I didn't have any triggers and just wish this merry go round would stop and I could let go. I don't want him back so I don't know why I am hurting so much. I drive myself crazy and it bothers me to no end that he has been able to just shut me out and not care when he is the one that did this to our marriage. He tried to force me to forgive him for 4 months and when that didn't work for him, he just gave up on me and walked away when I was all for working things out with him.

I have two conclusions and forgive me for rambling on her about all this but I have to get it out. I think he either did more that he wasn't willing to admit to me and he can't face that or he has done things since we separated that he knows we wouldn't recover from. Or a third option is that he just doesn't care about me anymore. He isn't in a fog anymore as he isn't seeing the OW. He said he was talking to someone new but I am not sure if that is a lie or not b/c he has said that before. 

It is like he has done the 180 on me and I he has even said before that "I just had to do a complete 180 on you b/c you didn't want to forgive me" so, I am thinking that he knows about the 180. But my problem with this is that he shouldn't be the one doing it to me. 

I want to be strong and show him how strong I am and that is why I am writing here versus texting him but when these emotions hit me, they are so strong and very hard to fight. I just want to understand and I will never get any answers. I am just so lost and confused and want out of this mess!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

If it helps you all of us are in some sort of mess - we are all just at different stages. 
There are plenty of us here who cannot understand why our walk away spouses did what they did. We may never get the answers we want. Truth is we may be better off not knowing certain things.
We need to stop wasting energy on trying to figure these people. We need to put that energy to good use and worry about ourselves.
Don't text him - keep posting here. It will get better in time. Its not going to happen overnight though.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> If it helps you all of us are in some sort of mess - we are all just at different stages.
> There are plenty of us here who cannot understand why our walk away spouses did what they did. We may never get the answers we want. Truth is we may be better off not knowing certain things.
> We need to stop wasting energy on trying to figure these people. We need to put that energy to good use and worry about ourselves.
> Don't text him - keep posting here. It will get better in time. Its not going to happen overnight though.


Thank-you so much for posting back smallsteps and you are so right, we are all going through this and most make it to the other side ok. I know I won't get my answers, but that is the hardest part for me. I need to accept it and most of the time, I can, it is just nights like this that I get this way and I don't know why I allow myself to. I am in control of my feelings, not him so I don't know why I allow him to have so much control over me now?

He wanted to go with me to the DSS office to start the child support proceedings and I was like, Um, no. I told him I wasn't going yet and left it at that. He then sent me a text saying he just wanted us to settle this on our own and that he wanted to be able to provide for our kids. I didn't respond back and won't respond or fight with him anymore on this. ALl it has done in the past is upset me b/c he gets into the "I just want peace in my life now and want you to be happy" That angers me b/c he is only thinking of himself. He wants me to be happy b/c he doesn't want to carry the burden anymore or b/c he wants me to meet someone while we are going through this process so he can say that I stepped out of the marriage too. It is just all so mixed up in my mind and I am trying to not let it run away on me, lol. Thanks again for continuing to watch this post and responding when I am in these dark moments ... this is why I came to this board and I really appreciate it!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No problem. We all have our moments and its nice to know someone is there to listen.
You know they say stuff like that to make themselves feel better. Mine told me the same things. In their minds - if we find someone then they don't have to deal with any guilty feelings or now they don't look like the bad guy. They can say " look I did her a favor - look how happy you are with your new guy" its a very simplistic way of thinking.
You are going to have bad days. Just as you think you're ok - something throws you. It will get better though.
Don't respond - let your lawyer do the talking from now on


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Just wanted to do a quick update before going to bed. Today was a good day. I woke up and it was beautiful outside. I had an IC session and that went really well and we talked a lot about everything that I have posted here and I love my IC and he is so good and pointing out everything that happen leading up to this as we also did our MC there together so he knows the stbxh. No contact from him today outside of asking for my acct number so that he could make a child support pmt. My daughter called him on our way to the pool and she talked to him some and then she called him back when I came into work and he didn't answer and he called back after she fell asleep and I didn't answer or call him back or text to let him know she was in bed. BEfore, I would have done this in a heartbeat.

I am trying to stay strong. I am hoping the weather is beautiful this weekend so we can spend it at the pool and I can enjoy my kids before they go back to his place on Sunday. I shouldn't have to contact him at all between now and Sunday to let him know the pickup arrangements and I am not allowing him in the house anymore, even if that means I miss out on sleep before work b/c I work third shift after having the kids all day on Sunday. 

But that is about all. I am thinking about starting back up with working out ... I have always been a runner and although I am not ready to dive back into that yet, I am ready to start doing some classes again. I have lost like 50 pds since this has all started and I would like to tone up again and I am feeling more confident about myself now. I am ready to just get the divorce over with and with our state we have to wait 12 months and will be able to divorce on our 10 year anniversary .. how messed up is that. I will be the one to file though, I will not allow him to file first!! 

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I will pop back in and do updates through the weekend to keep strong b/c I feel strong right now! THanks again for all the support!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Glad to hear you had a good day - keep it up!! Keep him away from you - you obviously do much better that way.

That type of weight loss is great. The same thing happened to me. Its not the right way to get rid of it but it is one bright spot in these bad times.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, I have had a few days that have actually been good. I haven't had to contact the STBXH except for what it has to do with kids. He did have to talk to me about child support b/c he knew that I was going to try and go to the DSS to get child support case started. But when he asked me if he could go with me, I told him no. Then when he asked me about if we could try to settle between ourselves, I didn't reply to him.

I had to take the kids to meet him today and dropped them off at his work. It was right after we left the pool so I was still in my swimsuit which I kind of enjoyed b/c I have lost all this weight. But that is beside the point, lol. He told me he had to take the kids inside his work with him .. he works in a restaurant. And I said we would wait until he was done b/c I knew that he was probably starting a relationship with someone that works there. I told him I would prefer him not to take the kids anywhere near whoever he might be dating and that I didn't mind that he was dating, but my kids aren't ready for that as they are just getting used to the fact that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore and each of them are so confused about that b/c they are so young. I just asked him to keep them out of it until the divorce and then if he felt like it was serious, then I would love for the kids to meet her. I played it off like I didn't care at all, all the while .. dying inside. But he came up to my window and said it was nothing like that and that he isn't dating anyone. I looked him in the face and said, that is none of business but my kids are. I told them to have a great time that evening and left. I was proud of myself. I didn't break down and I didn't get upset. He had some friends over tonight, or at least that is what he said that there plans are and I didn't ask him. But when he mentioned these friends, he knew it would upset me b/c I have been friends with the girl for a long time and she just had a baby. He hasn't planned anything with them ever, until now. I am no longer friends with her b/c I stuck up for him versus her and it ended our friendship so he knew it would upset me but I acted like I could care less and left. 

It was hard tonight not to ask him about it or try to call the kids, but I did it. I missed 2 calls from his phone tonight and it was probably my daughter, but I didn't check back or text him. 

So, that is about it. I hope I can stay this strong and we will see how the next few weeks go. This is tough but I have to appear that I stronger than I am so that I can heal!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Very nice Sherri, you handled that like a pro!! I'm sure it hurt like anything to have that exchange but it will pay off because you can be proud of the way it all went down. You won't look back at it and have any regrets. Just one more step forward for you. 

Don't dwell on what he's doing with friends. Get together with friends of your own and plan something fun!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Hi Sherri-

I have been following your post and you are doing really good at staying strong! I’m going through some mess myself and been dark for about 2 weeks now. He hasn’t even contacted me about his son, smh. Each day gets better! I know eventually you will be at a point where you look back and see how much progress you have made and how much better you are doing WITHOUT HIM! 

Stay strong!!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Just an update -- this has turned into my journal of sorts and really helps me to stay on top of everything. 

It has been non drama (finally) for the past few days. I had to contact him b/c we are potty training right now and wanted to share what I was doing and making sure that we were on the same page. We also had to talk about our daughter trying out a new activity and me picking her up today for the open house for it. 

He sent me a text last night about going to DSS with me again for child support and I told him that I wasn't going to talk with him about it and we have until Nov until we can divorce and we will figure things out later. He sent back that I was so for getting an early divorce but I told him that would require that we lie to a judge and I am not getting into trouble for that but as far as I am concerned, we are no longer married except by paper only. He sent back and "ok" and then a couple of minutes later, he sent "I really hope that you find happiness again" at this point, I knew he was going to try and get me all worked up so before I got the last two texts, I put my phone in my kitchen to charge b/c I won't keep it on me at night b/c this is my weakest point of the day. So, I woke up and saw these texts and just laughed to myself. 

He was trying to get me to react but I didn't. When I dropped the kids off this morning before work, I smiled and laughed with the kids and told them all to have a great day and left.

I still have my low moments but I am really trying to just stay as far away from him as I can. He can't see updates or post on FB from me b/c I have him on my friend list but anything that I post, I actually select the option to block him from seeing it so he sees nothing that I post ... and I know he wonders what is going on b/c I am the type that posts daily about positive stuff and my kids. I still do this, he just can't see it and I have blocked him from seeing anything that my friends post or anything b/c he was following me that way too. 

That is about it for how things have been going. I will update as I can b/c this has really been helping


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Good job Sherri! He is trying his hardest to get you to react!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sounds like you're doing pretty good. That must feel great!! You're not letting him bait you, you're standing up for yourself - excellent!

Don't read too much into the "I hope you find happiness" line it's to make himself feel better. Mine told me I would find someone better that would make me happier than he could. I'm sure others have heard some variation of that line.

The whole fb thing don't dwell on it. Good for you that you limited his access but look at it that you did it for your own privacy, not to make him wonder.

Stay strong Sherri.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Sherri - it's been a while, how are things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Hey Sherri - it's been a while, how are things?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Funny you should ask and thanks for checking on me. So much has happen since I last posted and I have wanted to update but have been trying to get everything sorted out in my head and my heart.

TO make a long story short, I outed my STBXH. I didn't involve the OW and only outed him by a small quote on FB that I knew he would see after he told me that an EA wasn't considered an affair at all. So, I posted a small quote about the feelings a woman goes through when she has been cheated on and all hell broke loose. He started calling me and I wouldn't answer the calls .. then he texts me and tells me he will come over if I don't answer the phone and so I finally talk to him and he started yelling so loud at me and I was as calm as could be. I told him I wouldn't take it off FB and that it was a quote for me to move on and that if I wanted to really out his affair then I would have tagged him in it. 

A little bit of background before I move on. My mom died when I was 16 so I have been on my own since then. SHe was a wonderful mother but when I was younger, she had an addiction problem with pain pills but she had been in recover for like 5 or 6 years when she died. I was also sexually abused by my uncle when I was younger. 

I know that is a lot of private info but it explains what I am dealing with when he tells me during this call that I am turning into my mother who was a crack ***** and that I was a terrible mother to my kids b/c I was going down the same path as her. Granted, I have never done any sort of drugs, nor do I drink and I don't smoke so I have no idea why he felt justified to say that I was turning into a crack *****?? THen he told me to go have my uncle f*ck me again like he did when I was a kid. I was blindsided and I was hurt. He hit me where he knew that it would hurt the most. He told me my mom gave up on me too ... just like he was doing.

Looking back, I now know that he was angry at himself and he took it out on me. He hurt me and he knows that he did and he apologized for it but at this point, it doesn't matter... damage has been done.

Then, after all this, he wants to try and go to a mediator and work through all this stuff with child support and alimony, ect. He wants to do this right away. I told him that I will continue to ask for the same things that I have been asking for .. which is under the state guidelines for child support and he blew up at me again and told me that if I did that then he would take me to court and make me spend tons of money that neither of us have and I will regret that I ever met him. It was all talk. He knows what I can get and now I am going to ask for it all. I no longer care if he suffers anymore and I am watching out for myself and my kids.

Then to top of that great weekend that I had, I found out that he not only have an EA with a woman that I am sort of friends with (long story on how that happen) bt nothing physical happen and I really believe that now. But I found out that he has had woman give him several BJ over the past few years and with his history and knowing that he never really gave into having sex with people before we meet .. he hadnt' slept with a lot of people but he has had A LOT of BJ when he was younger and until we met. He doesn't consider anything to be wrong with this at all. 

It blows my mind and I am hurt but after finding out about all that, I am truly sick. I was married to someone that could do this. I gave chances to someone that lied to me over and over. But I now have closure. I know there is nothing that I could have done different to try and save my marriage and that in the end, I have no regrets b/c I did everything that I could and the issues are issues that he needs to face and deal with.

I pray for him and I hope that he realizes this life that he is looking for doesn't exist and learns from this for the sake of my children but I have finally let go any hope of ever being back with this man. I am learning now to let go and starting the process of moving on for myself and my children. I said goodbye to him mentally and let him go.

I know it isn't going to be easy and once he realizes that I won't react to him anymore ... he will try more than ever to bring me down but I can't be brought down anymore. I will rise up and do what I need to do for me to make sure that my kids are ok. 

But tomorrow I might not be as strong but I just have to appear to be strong until I am ... fake it until I make it. THanks again for checking on me and hope that you are doing good?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Good for you that you posted that. Too bad if he doesn't like it. 

I cannot believe he threw that up to you. That was just wrong. He's a jerk. It just goes to show how you pushed the right buttons but it's still SO wrong! Just stay strong with him, don't let him intimidate you. Let your lawyer do the talking if he wants to act like that. He's acting so poorly if I were you I'd go after everything you're entitled to.

You know my stbxh and I got into this discussion once. Whether he felt BJ was cheating. I said yes and he said no. I mean it wasn't like he was...umm..neglected but that was his thought on it - which come to think of it..I should have really dug deeper into his comment at that point. Well there's another red flag. Jeeze. 

It isn't easy when you realize you have no idea anymore on how much of your life is a lie. I totally get that. I think we can't dwell on it, we'll end up driving ourselves crazy. You need to focus on you and stay strong through this. 

You sound so strong, just keep it up. I know this is just the beginning for you but I'm sure you're going to be fine. Just hang in there and I'm here if you need me.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am not having a good night. Went all day being ok and then bam tonight, I get on my FB and see that he has blocked me. It hurts and I don't understand why it hurts? 

I have been no contact with him outside of the kids and letting him know that I am okay with going to a mediator to try and resolve his issues over child support. I know how that is going to end up though b/c I am asking for alimony and he said he would get up and walk out if I asked for that b/c he did nothing wrong.

Gosh, I just want this confusion to stop. I hate this back and forth pain/happiness/grief ... it starts to get to you after awhile and I am tired of it. I don't want him to control me anymore with my emotions and questions. I want to be free of him. I have always been such a strong person and have faced and overcome so many things. People see me as this strong, independent person and I feel weak, helpless and insecure. This board, even though I don't get a lot of responses on my posts, gets me through so much and is a comfort when I read others stories to see where they were at and where they are at now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> I am not having a good night. Went all day being ok and then bam tonight, I get on my FB and see that he has blocked me. It hurts and I don't understand why it hurts?
> 
> I have been no contact with him outside of the kids and letting him know that I am okay with going to a mediator to try and resolve his issues over child support. I know how that is going to end up though b/c I am asking for alimony and he said he would get up and walk out if I asked for that b/c he did nothing wrong.
> 
> Gosh, I just want this confusion to stop. I hate this back and forth pain/happiness/grief ... it starts to get to you after awhile and I am tired of it. I don't want him to control me anymore with my emotions and questions. I want to be free of him. I have always been such a strong person and have faced and overcome so many things. People see me as this strong, independent person and I feel weak, helpless and insecure. This board, even though I don't get a lot of responses on my posts, gets me through so much and is a comfort when I read others stories to see where they were at and where they are at now.


I had the same issue last night, I ended up breaking down at work and ended up getting angry with myself because I did. It was a combination of things but I had a conversation with him yesterday and that was a big part of it. The reason I was angry at myself is because I looked at it as he was still controlling my feelings. I let him creep into a place that's mine. That job is something I got on my own, where I go to get my mind off of things, where I make my own money and talk to people who know just "me". Not me the mom or me the wife, just me.

I think we need to just keep pushing on Sherri. One day at a time. It's not going to be easy but we have to.

As for the Facebook thing, you should have done it first. The reason it's probably bothering you is because he did it first and he controlled that. Not to mention it's a form a severing ties. It's perfectly understandable for it to bother you.

Good for you you're going for alimony. He thinks he did nothing wrong? Puhleezze!! 

Hang in there!!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

The rollercoaster really stinks.

It might help to look at the blocking as helping you stay dark.

Try to stay strong.

You can do it,
Stretch


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I had the same issue last night, I ended up breaking down at work and ended up getting angry with myself because I did. It was a combination of things but I had a conversation with him yesterday and that was a big part of it. The reason I was angry at myself is because I looked at it as he was still controlling my feelings. I let him creep into a place that's mine. That job is something I got on my own, where I go to get my mind off of things, where I make my own money and talk to people who know just "me". Not me the mom or me the wife, just me.
> 
> I think we need to just keep pushing on Sherri. One day at a time. It's not going to be easy but we have to.
> 
> ...



Thanks for responding back. I am sorry to hear that you had a rough day and night as well. I really hope this does get easier. I found out that he didn't delete me or block me on FB ... I think he actually deactivated his account which I actually did earlier today before I found that out. I just need to take a breather from there and don't want to post things anymore for the world to see. It is hard b/c I try to act ok but inside I am screaming for anything to make this pain go away and there is no one except for myself and my higher power to make me feel better. I pray all the time and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I know that everything happens for a reason but I didn't want to be here in this position and I am so very sad that this is where we are. My STBXH isn't in the fog right now and he still is on the divorce path.

I looked up what his child support is going to be and boy is he going to be pissed .. it is about $300 more than what he is paying me now. He isn't going to be happy about that at all. But that isn't my problem, I tried to work with him on it and he didn't want to, so this is where it is now. He has no one to blame but himself but of course, he will blame me, of course.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Stretch said:


> The rollercoaster really stinks.
> 
> It might help to look at the blocking as helping you stay dark.
> 
> ...


Thanks stretch! I actually just deactivated my acct and called it a day. I hated FB anyway b/c of seeing the sappy quotes that made me cry and pics of all the happy families, lol. THanks for your advice though, I really appreciate it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

sherri1997 said:


> Thanks for responding back. I am sorry to hear that you had a rough day and night as well. I really hope this does get easier. I found out that he didn't delete me or block me on FB ... I think he actually deactivated his account which I actually did earlier today before I found that out. I just need to take a breather from there and don't want to post things anymore for the world to see. It is hard b/c I try to act ok but inside I am screaming for anything to make this pain go away and there is no one except for myself and my higher power to make me feel better. I pray all the time and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I know that everything happens for a reason but I didn't want to be here in this position and I am so very sad that this is where we are. My STBXH isn't in the fog right now and he still is on the divorce path.
> 
> I looked up what his child support is going to be and boy is he going to be pissed .. it is about $300 more than what he is paying me now. He isn't going to be happy about that at all. But that isn't my problem, I tried to work with him on it and he didn't want to, so this is where it is now. He has no one to blame but himself but of course, he will blame me, of course.



I hear you. I do the same. I'm moving along slowly but it's something. You'll find you will do the same and it will get a little easier every day.

Deep down there is something inside of me that says everything is going to be okay but there are days that my mind takes over and throws every worst case, feel bad thought that there is and breaks that confidence. Then I just get this undercurrent of bad feelings. I'm trying to learn how to quiet that down and let the confidence take over. I like the confident me better. 

This whole situation stinks but I think if we really work hard on ourselves we'll come out of this better people.

Lol, well won't he be surprised!! You know what? You gave him opportunities to discuss things fairly. If he wants to act like a spoiled baby, then you have to do what you have to do. Your main concern now are you and those kids.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yes, you are very right smallsteps. The hardest part for me is the mind games that he plays. THe person that I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore but my heart has yet to catch up on that. He has really convinced himself that he has done nothing wrong and that I have made everything up b/c I kept digging and finding out all his lies. It makes me feel like I am crazy. Then he sends me messages saying that he just wants me to be happy and that maybe one day I will move on from all this anger. Those types of comments make me even more pissed off and makes me sad. All I could do today is lay around and cry. I know that isn't beneficial for me and that I need to keep moving but most days, I just can't. I finally did get up and got my kids and then we went down the street to hang out with all of our friends and that helps but they were all friends with him and it is just all so hard.

I don't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself but I just keep getting into these ruts where that is all I do. It has basically been 2.5 months since I knew our marriage was over or since he told me that there was no going back so I know it hasn't been that long but it has been 9 months since he moved out but we spent the first few months trying to reconcile until he gave up. 

I am rambling but this is just all so hard and I see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

2&1/2 months isn't a long time Sherri. Even though he moved out 9 months ago it was under the pretense that you were still trying to make it work. Really you need to mark this at 2&1/2 months because that's when the reality hit that your life was going to change. Give yourself a break, you are going to feel this way but in a month's time, you will feel a little better. As long as you feel even a slight bit of progress, which could be as small as getting up off the couch, you are moving forward.

I know it's one of the hardest things, trying to put together that the people we married are not who they are now. You see the face but it's not them. Don't let him play games with you. This is not all your fault. They say things like "he just wants you to be happy" because it's easy to say. It makes them feel like they're being a caring person. It's all for their benefit. Talk is cheap as they say. It's not what they say it's how they act.

As for finding out more and more lies, it's like 're opening the wound over and over. You just have to accept he's a liar and not let it surprise you that you keep exposing lies. Lower your expectations of him. It will help.

I hope you have a better day today.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> 2&1/2 months isn't a long time Sherri. Even though he moved out 9 months ago it was under the pretense that you were still trying to make it work. Really you need to mark this at 2&1/2 months because that's when the reality hit that your life was going to change. Give yourself a break, you are going to feel this way but in a month's time, you will feel a little better. As long as you feel even a slight bit of progress, which could be as small as getting up off the couch, you are moving forward.
> 
> I know it's one of the hardest things, trying to put together that the people we married are not who they are now. You see the face but it's not them. Don't let him play games with you. This is not all your fault. They say things like "he just wants you to be happy" because it's easy to say. It makes them feel like they're being a caring person. It's all for their benefit. Talk is cheap as they say. It's not what they say it's how they act.
> 
> ...




Thanks so much. I wouldn't say that the days are getting easier, but at least I haven't sat around and cried but I have had my kids with me, so I can't really do that. I am also having some issues that I won't get into on here but it is about my father and something that he did last year and again today that has made it to where I can't have a relationship with him anymore and i could NEVER have my kids around him again. And I have no one to talk to about it. I didn't tell my STBXH about it last year when we were together b/c he would have confronted my dad and I gave my dad a second chance but since he did it again today, I can't even talk to the one person that I wanted to. And my stbxh sister was my best friend for the past 4 years and we talked daily and she has been my rock through everything with my stbxh but she is also his sister and although they don't get along, her and I came to a place where I can't keep putting her in the middle bc she thinks that I am to blame for all of this too now b/c of his mom ... that is all a long story but I can't talk to her about what happen today either. I am feeling sorry for myself b/c I feel like I have lost everyone that was important to me through all of this and I am just beside myself right now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Do you have any friends or family that are just yours?

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Just remember you aren't alone in all this. That's the great thing about this place. We may all live far apart but we're always here to listen.


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