# Needing advice please



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

As some of you know my SO of 20+ years and I are trying to reconcile after last October's EA. (Details are not important to this post- more concerned with what is going on with us now) Some of you have posted that some people never get over the betrayal. I have been trying. 

In fact, we went to MC from November to June, and with the blessing of counselor said it was time to go out on our own to make it work. He basically said he believed we did love one another and but that our parent issues had caused us to deal with each other in unhealthy ways which we explored during therapy. I can say it helped and my SO said she had many revelations as well. 

In the meantime, I know she is really trying. She has become calm and patient and doesn't exhibit hostility like she had for the 5 or so years prior to EA. We have talked about finally getting married- she ordered my ring and we have been looking at venues for a small wedding.

I have made myself much more vulnerable- expressing to her that I love her- something I maybe did 50 times over the prior 20 + years. She tells me she loves me often.

But a couple of lingering things still bother me. I just can't seem to get over the fact that she involved another man in this whole thing. I feel like opening myself to her is like conceding that her tactic of getting him involved "woke me up" and in a twisted way worked for her in getting what she wanted from me- my attention, my love etc. But it also hurts that she was willing to walk away and involve this "friend" in the whole deal.

On her end, she keeps saying last fall she let go of all fear of being alone- that she felt that I did not love her, and that she wasn't going to operate out of fear anymore. While this is admirable- I don't want a woman who is with me out of fear (fear of what will happen to her financially etc. if we separate). But at the same time she brought in this male "friend" rather than coming to me.

I connect her letting go of fear (which she sees as a good thing) with not caring about me because of what she did with "friend" last October. It was vicious, not loving, with many lies etc. As many of you know already I still have a very hard time believing her story- something is missing- I suspect it was either a PA in reality, or she got involved in drugs or something- both completely out of character for her- but she is adamant that nothing else did happen. During the whole time of this happening she acted absolutely like a woman from another planet- someone I did not recognize at all.

Anyway, these are the things I seem to be harboring. It still bothers me because I don't trust her to this day- not so much about seeing OM or another affair, but what crazy thing is going to happen next.

She seems really troubled sometimes. When I ask her what it's about, it's usually that she says she is stressing about work - having too much to do and not enough time. Every night she says she's going to do some work at home and every night she finds something else to do like watch TV or play games on computer- then she acts completely stressed often times sleeping on the couch because she says the TV helps her to fall asleep.

The past few days she has kept on asking me "is everything okay?" to which I say yes, because in large part it is. I don't feel asking her about last fall on a regular basis helps other than it gets my feelings out in the open which really helps me in processing the whole thing.

Since everything went down , she has started to become part of the family once again- going to family events, expressing her love for me, improving sex life gradually to almost how it was before EA. Much better communication. 

Last fall, I would have friends over to watch football, and I would say - "if we do this I don't have time to clean etc " because I was finishing my masters - she would always say okay. Later I learned that this was the "last straw for her", because she felt I was giving attention to school, friends family, but not her. This year, she has made it a point to let me know it's okay to have people over- even says she enjoys it. Of course I have more time to help with getting house, cooking etc. also.

But when she gets in these "weird" moods, I sometimes worry about what crazy thing she'll do next. I'm really working on letting go of this but sometimes its hard.

Anyway, through the pain and dram of the EA, I was sure I wanted her back. Now that things have calmed, I just can't seem to get over the antics she displayed last year. The past few days, I'm really wondering if I want this. But this is how I acted for the 20 + years before all this happened- keeping both her and I in limbo (remember we never married).

I'm probably a broken record. But this time, I am feeling like maybe I don't want to be with someone capable of doing what she did. I just feel as if it is really low. 

One last thing- any time I bring up to her about my gut that there was something(s) missing in her story last fall, she gets really ticked and usually says "I'm Done!!!" and that "I am not going to admit to something that didn't happen!! The last couple of times I have said- "we can arrange (being done) that if that is what you want"- I refuse to be afraid of her like I was last fall. 

Any thoughts or advice on this? I don't want to return to limbo and the way things were- I feel as if we need to either get married soon or call it a day. I do love her though - I'm driving myself crazy.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It doesn't sound like you two were ready to stop counseling.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't know your story. Was she happy being with you & not married these past 20 years? Do you have children together. You may never get the entire truth of her affair. Are you able to live with that?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I don't know your story. Was she happy being with you & not married these past 20 years? Do you have children together. You may never get the entire truth of her affair. Are you able to live with that?


Kids are grown and in college. Obviously the fact that I am unsure about the truth of affair is not setting well with me even though we are almost a year later. Things have however improved- I am not completely devastated by the thought of it like when it happened.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Okay need more opinions on a few things. Noticed over last few weeks SO (that had EA year ago) rarely calls me to say hi, or even texts me. - 

My whiny a$$ self says, hey man she texted OM back and forth up to 30 times a day sometimes, along with long phone calls during that period. 

Also, she is having a really hard time sleeping, says it is due to anxiety about work and can't sleep, so stays out on couch about 50% of the time.

Now it seems hypocritical to me that she supposedly had EA because I wasn't paying enough attention to her and now she does this. She insists it isn't about us- in other words the stress , cause of anxiety etc. is related more to work. Last night she came in to bed, but couldn't sleep so went back and watched tv and fell asleep. (Note: sex life is doing fine)

My cynical self tends to think she is playing a big game where tables are turned where I am the one "chasing" her and she is basically calm and indifferent (how I used to be). 

Today I called her and said "this isn't right", but she insisted "it isn't you causing my sleeplessness". Also brought up not texted and she defended herself a little but I told her to look at her text/phone history the past few weeks- she's hardly done either one.

I told her it was "stupid $hit" and that I was being a baby essentially but that it did bother me.

Am I being too cynical or are these things obvious signs that she doesn't really care that much about me? Is this game playing in your opinions?


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