# Does "the feeling" come back?



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi all!
Happy new year!! 
I havent logged on in a while, not because things are any better, just because I have not been in the right frame of mind. But now I am starting to deal with the issues.
From my previous posts, you may know that my husband told me about 5 weeks ago that he isnt happy and doesnt feel the same anymore. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor once a week but I guess my question is....does the feeling ever come back once it has gone? 
I feel that if he got the feeling back it would come back straight away for me, as I still love him very much. But at the moment I am not happy at all, and I feel that I am losing a piece of me every day that this goes on. I want to be the person that he fell in love with and decided to marry but I am not happy, and it hurts to love someone and not feel loved back. I do think he loves me and I think he wants to try to get the feeling back or he wouldnt be in counselling with me, but I am not feeling very positive about it anymore. 
We went away over NYE for 3 nights with some friends and we were physical on all 3 of the nights (that was the first time in a long time) and then I asked him in front of the counsellor what that meant to him, and he said that during and after he was trying to find the feelings that he used to get, and he couldnt which concerned him. That cut me pretty deep. 
I know I cant make someone want to be with me, so what do I do now? Move out, suggest we date once a week and continue counselling, suggest a divorce??? I really dont know and I just want to be happy and right now he isnt making me happy at all! 

All advice welcome! Please!


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?
If not I highly suggest it. Remember that even though you can not change him, you can make positive changes in yourself that will help him to respond in a loving manner towards you. Be really nice to him. Make him feel important. Smile a lot and feel love towards him. Are you seeing a pro-marriage therapist? That is also extremely important. It can make the difference in working on it or just working through it. 
Let us know how it goes. Best of luck to you. Do all you can while you are still together.


----------



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

and if you cant afford to buy it or dont have the extra money you can find it on isohunt a torrent search engine if you really want it i got it there on audio its a good read/audio .. Might help with things. But im not one for advise to much tonight but the post does have my attention for i too wonder if the feelings can come back but not just in a case where you both are still trying but if only one is and the other isnt and is closed off and what to do on getting them feelings back and asap lol if that is possible


----------



## MAC3 (Jan 5, 2010)

That is a good question. My husband and I have been married years and somewhere along the way we have forgotten how to BE with each other. We perfecltly good friends, we respect each other, we love one another. We just have no intamacy left. Neither one of us know where we are supposed to go from here..


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

For me specifically, it sure did. I lost it for a long time there, and now that the sh** hit the fan and we have been forced to choose what we both really and truly want, the effort has been made on both parts and its coming back full force. 

I think the bulk of it for me was that he spent sooo much time pushing me away ( and to my fault, I did as he wanted and became detached). Then when I found out about the A and discovered that he viewed it as the single most regretted thing in his life we had to start and ground zero. Kissing. Deep kissing like you do when you first start dating. Petting. Looking nice for each other. Complementing each other just to do it. Lots of touching. I walked around in dirty lingerie and hooker heels for 4 hours on NYE (thank god the kids were asleep,right) and we only touched each other and kissed until midnight. Getting back to that feeling of wanting to be with each other your body starts to ache takes time and a lot of work, but totally worth it. My question is, how did we lose "it"??


----------



## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I would say yes it does. I went through a period where I felt like I had given up and it just didn't matter anymore. With some work and determination from both sides, we've come out stronger and happier. I love my wife more than ever. I still get grumpy about things in our relationship, but my adoration is back and stronger than ever.


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks so much for your feedback everyone. I am just scared that he doesnt want to try to get it back. We are seeing a counsellor and my H keeps saying that "if we decide to stay together then I will do whatever it takes to make it work" but we cant just decide to stay together or not....we actually need to start doing something about it. We are barely spending any time together, and on Tuesday I moved out because I just couldnt take it anymore. 

How can I get him to understand that we need to decide what we are going to do and then give it a good shot? He said that he doesnt want to rush it, but it is nothing at the moment. It is a one hour counselling session once a week, and maybe a movie together once a week. But no more than that.

Dryden..what made you decide you wanted it to work? 

DawnD what made you decide you wanted your marriage to work rather than to leave your H after the A?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sienna said:


> and he said that during and after he was trying to find the feelings that he used to get, and he couldnt which concerned him. That cut me pretty deep.


You are in a difficult situation and I can relate as I've walked that path. Years ago my wife and I both "fell out of love" with each other. That lead to major issues in the marriage including an EA on her part. When it all hit the fan I took time to evaluate myself, my marriage and my wife. It was a blinding shot to realize my part in the marriages demise and I again realized what a wonderful woman she is. My love for her came rushing back in an instant. For her it has been a much longer road and one that is frankly not quite complete yet. Her emotions have come back bits at a time. Lots of reasons but the point is while some may have a watershed event that brings everything back quickly others need to go through a series of steps to reach that point. It is a process.

My advice to you is that if the marital problems are pretty much limited to him finding his feelings for you again then spending time together would be a direction I would go. Become friends again and do the things you used to enjoy together.  Better yet explore some new things together. We took ball room dancing lessons. Be prepared that it might take time and exercise patience. Good luck.


----------



## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Sienna, back in 2007 my wife said that she wasn't in love with me anymore. I also found out she was in the middle of an emotional affair with a friend from her past. I tried to make her go to counseling but she just sat that with attitude and didn't participate. When she did participate she put all the blame on me. Over a period of 2 years we were separated, got back together and separated again. Just when I was ready to call it quits I found a book titled "I Love You But I'm NOT In Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall. I was actually looking for self help books for me to assist with getting over my depression but this little book saved my marriage. It was like a light was turned on in my head. I talked about it with my wife and I noticed that it peaked her interest. It turned out she wasn't really sure why she felt this way and it helped her understand why she was in this funk and what we had to do to overcome it. I suggest grabbing a copy. You'll understand your situation alot better after reading just a couple of pages. Good luck to you and your husband.

AJ-


----------



## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Oh, I forgot to answer your question. According to my wife the feeling can come back. I hope the best for you.


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks so much guys! You are awesome and I really appreciate your responses. 
I think now that I have moved out I am going to suggest to him that we start going on a date twice a week. I am going to say that there is no way to determine if we still want to be with each other and if the feeling can come back if we dont start spending some quality time together. If he doesnt respond well to that then I will know where I stand I think. We have a movie and dinner planned for tomorrow night, so I am going to suggest it tomorrow. That was planned when we were still living together. 

Does anyone have any tips/ideas on what types of things we could do together to spark the relationship again? Dancing is not an option, he doesnt like it!


----------



## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Sienna, my wife and I dated when we were separated. Expect the first date or two to be a little uncomfortable and at times forced because you'll both feel guarded. Don't go in with any expectations either. After a few dates everything will settle down and you'll feel those natural emotions return. I suggest bowling or miniture golf if the weather in your area permits. My wife and I did dinners and a movie. We also just walked around the malls and talked like old times. I found it really helped keep us close in tense times.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

DawnD what made you decide you wanted your marriage to work rather than to leave your H after the A?[/QUOTE]

Well, by the time I was let in on the whole A, it was 18 months after the fact. They had an A for two weeks. He slept with her 3 times. I don't know if that has any bearing or not, but I honestly think it was worse because of all the lies to cover everything up. I still have up and down days, one day I think I am fine and three days later I am up in the middle of the night bawling. But when I look at my husband and I see the effort he is putting towards fixing this and keeping me, the guilt he has over what he has done and the absolute terror that strikes him when he thinks I might leave, I think that is all something worth fighting for. 
Some people will call me stupid for staying, some will tell me I am doing the right thing. Problem is, I don't care. I want my husband and even knowing what I know now, I don't want to be without him. More importantly, I see he feels the same way about me. When I ask him about his A, he will divulge any information I want. He has opened up everything, I have all passwords and access to all cell records and he has not been out other than when he has to be since I found out. He is more concerned about being here for me than he has ever been. Its a shame it took this to do that for us, but I guess better now than never.


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I guess the challenge for me now is to get him to realise that nothing is happening right now. We are seeing a counsellor once a week for an hour but other than that nothing is happening between us that is getting us closer to making a choice about our marriage. I am not in a rush but I need to be working towards something and the only way I think we will get any closer to deciding if we want to be with each other is to spend some more time together. 

I am also starting to have some doubts about the marriage throughout this process. Im not sure if any of you read any of my previous posts but we have only been married 2 years (together 5), so if this is what is happening this early on, and if this is the way he is dealing with the situation then is this something I want to happen again in 10 years, or is this what I want to deal with for the rest of our marriage. We are fortunate that there are no kids involved and maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I guess I need to work that out.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My counselor told my H flat out, I bring my wife home flowers twice a week, because I can. She's probably so tired of flowers she can't stand it, but every time I walk into the store I walk by them and pick out a beautiful set of flowers so she knows that I was thinking of her. ( At this point I had tears, I get flowers on my Bday and thats it ) My H took this to heart. I am not a big "buy me stuff" girl, so little things like the H texting me " I love you" and other little things ( sometimes dirty things lol) , recognizing that when he went to the store he always bought me a gatorade and actually looking at what he was doing to show me he was thinking of me. That started getting my feelings back and in turn he could read that and started getting himself back too. I will put it this way. He wasn't going to be the first one to put his heart back in harms way. He was waiting for me to do it and once I did he was right there with me. But it is a truly personal choice. And one you have to make knowing full well what you want out of it. 

I wouldn't get too worked up about it being early in the marriage. H deployed to Korea two months after we married for 15 months. He also got me pregnant right before he left and saw the baby born, and then went back to Korea and returned home again when baby was 6 months old. Then he deployed to Iraq while I had our then 2 year old and 4 month old sons. We have had a LOT of issues early in our marriage and I think it has truly made it that much stronger.


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

well I have already made a little progress....I just asked him now what he thinks of us dating twice a week, and he said it sounds good. 

So thats I step I guess....I suppose it will help me to decide whether or not its actually him I want or whether its more the idea of the relationship that I want.


----------



## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

sienna said:


> Dryden..what made you decide you wanted it to work?


Part of it was probably that I didn't want to have a failed marriage like my parents did. Part of it would be her parents are shining examples of a supportive relationship.

Mostly though, it's because even if I'm mad at her for something, every time I look at her my heart kinda skips a beat and I get that warm feeling inside.

I don't know that the feeling was ever truly gone, just that it was overshadowed and pushed down by all the bad stuff that was going on at the time.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

There is nothing wrong with trying to feel out what you want out of all of this. Give it time, try to make sure you are paying attention to any efforts the H is making and see where you are in a little while. Can't force feelings, but they for sure can come back!


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

My biggest frustration at the moment is the stagnant position we are in. I am seeing him tonight for a movie and dinner but before that it has seriously been limited to the 1 hour a week counselling session. He has never been good at expressing himself and communicating but something needs to change. 
It is hurting me that he keeps saying "if we decide to make this work I will do what it takes" - when do we decide? What will suddenly happen that will make us decide to decide...if that makes sense....
Shouldnt we have decided and then try everything we can and if it doesnt work then at least we made the effort? But I dont want to be the one suggesting everything because at the end of the day I still want to be wanted, and if he isnt interested in it then im not going to beg him. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life and know that he is not totally committed. 
I am just very lost....


----------



## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

Sienna, how is going with the dating? I want to add, from my previous posts, that the book I suggested helped my wife and I find out that we spent so much time together doing everything that we started turning into each other and lost our own identities. This caused my wife to lose interest in our relationship but wasn't really sure why at the time. Once we figured out what the problem was we were able to fix it. We are high school sweethearts and we rarely did anything without the other. We agreed to be more independant and hang out with our own friends and do some things on our own. We never realized that we were smothering each other. The space that we created for ourselves oddly drew us closer to one another. We were in a situation where we hadn't even argued in years because we were in a sense the same person. Arguements are healthy in relationships and give it passion and make it interesting. Does any of this relate to you and your husband?

Angel J


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks Angel J, it definitely does relate to my husband. I think we got so caught up in each other just like you and your wife and stopped doing things we liked because we didnt want to take time away from the other. 
Since I suggested the dating last week we went out on a date on Friday - it wasnt so successful, we had a silly arguement, then pretty much watch a movie and he dropped me back at my parents. Over the weekend I did allot of thinking about the situation and started to realise that he wasnt taking this seriously at all, that spending time with his friends was more important than working things out with me, and that he was just not going to communicate with me at all regardless of how hard I tried (other than the hour a week in counselling). Well I got to a point where I had had enough! He wasnt treating me well at all, did not make me feel like I was important enough to him and worth sorting out our relationship and I was ready to tell him that I wanted to move on and not be with him. I dont need to feel this way - like I am doing everything I can to make it work and he is prepared to do anything.
Well at the counsellor on Monday was the first time I was completely honest about my feelings because I wasnt scared of the consequences. If he wanted it to be over - I gave him the opportunity because I said that I have been thinking and I am not sure I want to be in our marriage anymore. Since then he has been making much more of an effort - even during that session he admitted to not communicating at all and trying to ignore the situation, and how much he loves me etc. Now he is contacting me every day, organising things for us to do together.
Its a nice change, but still not enough for me to stay with him. He needs to prove to me that is actually prepared to talk and work through this.
What do you think?


----------



## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I forgot to mention that I have started doing allot of the things that I love that I stopped doing when we met - and its fantastic!


----------



## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

I think you're right to give him an ultimatum. I constantly have flashbacks about how my situation turned around. It wasn't until I set her loose that she realized the severity of the situation and got her $hit together and met my demands for working things out. I still don't know where my wife went mentally during that time in our lives but I'm just happy to have her back. I wish you both lots of luck and I have faith that your husband will come around. You sound like a woman that's too good to lose.


----------

