# Can't do this anymore......



## p365296 (Jan 23, 2013)

I've been married 12.5 years, together 14+ years. My husband had a 1 yr old daughter from a previous marriage when I met him. When his daughter was 6, I adopted her. Her mother gave up her rights. My husband seems unable to parent/discipline her or hold her accountable. To make matters worse, he grew up with a stepdad that was very demeaning. He projects his experience with his stepdad on my relationship with his(now ours since I adopted her) daughter. He makes rules and consequences for her and can't follow through with them. He accuses me of being too harsh on her. When we decide on a rule or consequence and he caves to her. She is now 16. She lies and snuck her boyfriend in the house at night last summer, several times apparently, and had sex with him...while we're at home! I feel she acts as if she is entitled to everything due to my husbands parenting which I can only assume comes from a place of guilt and childhood issues he's not ever gotten over. Meanwhile we have two children together, 11 yr old dd and 9yr old ds. My husband treats our son unfairly and is annoyed by every little thing he does. I don't understand it. I want my husband to take the 16 year old and leave!! I don't know what to do! I can't see taking the kids (our bio kids) away from their dad. But dh husband travels for work and is only home on weekends now anyway. He talks of getting a job locally and while I think it would be great for our kids, I'm afraid we would just fight more....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Blended families present very unique challenges most parents have no idea how to deal with. Take different parenting styles as an example. You want kids raised with rules and consequences, but he feels the 16 year old is exempt, most likely due to his guilt over something that involves her. However, he doesn't have that guilt with the kids you have birth to so he's all in with rules and consequences. And by the way, men tend to be more "unforgiving" of their sons than their daughters, same for mothers and their sons.

You and husband need family counseling designed to get you both on the same page for all 3 of your kids.

I notice you first claimed she was your daughter since you adopted her but then stated you wanted your husband to take her away for a time. While this was probably just venting on your part, this is something you need to contemplate further. If that statement popped out in their presence, you have just drawn a line of alignment placing those two squarely outside the inner group. Isolating and alienating a troubled 16 year old is just about the best way to make sure her troubles deepen.

Secondly, you say you don't want your husband to be home and available as a partner more frequently. That strongly suggests you are not relying on him as a partner but as an adversary and THAT needs to be fixed.

Your marital relationship must come first. Neither of you will be effective parents until you are in good standing with each other, since you conflict about parenting strategies. Once you have that back on track, then you can negotiate rules and consequences effectively and equally. 

For what it's worth, not all children have the same needs so it follows that not all children should have the same expectations placed upon them. With a troubled teen, deal with the person standing in front of you, not the person you expect to be standing there.


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## p365296 (Jan 23, 2013)

At dinner last night I noticed the 16 year old was wearing an arm sock/glove on one arm. She has cut herself before and so today I went in her room to see what she'd been cutting with and remove it. I found a poster expressing her hatred for her dad and I and how she can't wait to leave and NEVER talk to us again. It went on, and on. I have no sympathy or compassion left for this child who lies to our faces over and over again. My husband does and I really just want them both to leave. But he works out of town and so where would she go? With how long this toxic relationship has been going on, I believe it would be best for them to leave b/c I can no longer see a way to get past all this and I am afraid the 16 yr old may do something stupid if she has to continue on in this household with her dad and I that clearly can not get on the same page. So much resentment has built up.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

One thing about me that never stops, I calls it likes I sees it.

What I'm seeing is that this 16 year old troubled girl, given up by her bio Mom, distanced by her adoptive Mom, has no outlet for her pain and anguish so she cuts up her OWN body to express her pain and your compassionate response it to wish her out of your home?

You don't want to work at this? You don't want to try to make this better? You don't want to find a way to help your daughter? Based on what you've written, you haven't even scratched the top of the iceberg in terms of seeking help for your marriage or your children. 

You, Madam, are far too self indulgent to call yourself a parent or a partner. I suggest you take your complaints to the forums for throw away children.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> One thing about me that never stops, I calls it likes I sees it.
> 
> What I'm seeing is that this 16 year old troubled girl, given up by her bio Mom, distanced by her adoptive Mom, has no outlet for her pain and anguish so she cuts up her OWN body to express her pain and your compassionate response it to wish her out of your home?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> One thing about me that never stops, I calls it likes I sees it.
> 
> What I'm seeing is that this 16 year old troubled girl, given up by her bio Mom, distanced by her adoptive Mom, has no outlet for her pain and anguish so she cuts up her OWN body to express her pain and your compassionate response it to wish her out of your home?
> 
> ...


Chill out Anon.

OP- I'm kinda with Anon though. You bear the responsibility for the behaviour of this girl - you raised her since she was 1. If she's acting up, you own at the very minimum, half the blame. You adopted her. She's your daughter too.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I beg your pardon if I was too reactive.

I used to work with kids in foster care, the OP sounds just like the parents who threw them away. This parent may well be at her wits end, but she has done nothing constructive to help and has only blamed. Just like the parents of throw away kids in foster care.


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## p365296 (Jan 23, 2013)

Just so you know, I've raised her with her father since she was six. My husband and I have been through counseling off and on for years to try to come to a common ground. He has never let me take part equally in parenting her. I resent that. We try to come to decisions together on rules and consequences but we rarely do and he deals with it as he sees fit. I'm not going to go behind him and give her additional consequences that I know he won't back me up on b/c he can't even follow through with the ones he gives her. I've tried talking to her today and I will get her help as well.


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