# Pursuer/Distancer pattern. Need advice!



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

If something doesn't change between my husband and me, I will either spiral into depression, or run away.
What needs to change?
An argument comes up. It can stem from something trivial. Usually it does. We either escalate and hash it out, or get smart and bite our tongues.
Either way...within 20 minutes to an hour, I am ready to make peace, make up, laugh it off, and move on.
Not him. He's mad, he goes cold. 
His definition of "moving on" is staying in a hard defensive shell for God knows how long.
If I try to make contact or connection with him--as our therapist advised us to be clear about--he gets even further away.
If the argument flares up again, he goes into blaming and criticizing me for the whole issue.
He gets harsh and unfeeling--at least he seems unfeeling.
Conflict leads to him running to isolate, and me wanting to reconcile.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I've made so many commitments in my mind to change my own behaviors and even thoughts, but at some point he needs to show some changes too.
In other words, I'm really trying to give him what HE needs (some distance to cool off if he's agitated), but it doesn't seem like he's trying to give me what I need (to soften and make a connection after that distance, after we have tension).
Sometimes I feel that we just aren't good for each other.
Any advice, please?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Work it out in counseling. You can't change the way he operates. He needs to hear from a third party that it's his obligation.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Our counselor rarely tells us what to do, or what is our obligation.

Is it possible that if I say less in counseling, both our counselor and my husband will say more?
We have a session tomorrow. I guess I'll bring this exact question to our counselor: how can we together change this pattern?

Switching counselors isn't really an option at the moment, especially since overall we both like him.

I feel like we take baby steps, but then backslide or set ourselves back significantly.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell counselor what your issue is, and let him know you can't move forward without it changing. Then stop talking and let them hash it out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

You know how nice it sounds to "let them hash it out"?
I'd love to. 
I will need to participate in our counseling session and I think an ultimatum approach will set me on the offensive, don't think that'll be helpful. but these are my personal goals:
be direct, be positive, be succinct.

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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I have the same situation.

We'll have an argument, fight, disagreement, whatever you want to call it and in 5 minutes I'm cool and ready to move on.

He isn't. I'll get the silent, freeze-out, passive-agressive treatment till he decides to act normal again. Drives me absolutely nuts and after 25 years of marriage it looks like it isn't going to change.

Life is too short and I don't understand stewing about something for that long - what if that was his last day on earth? 

I just realized that I've never brought this up in our counseling, I have a session Friday, perhaps this needs to be on my list. Also on my list is how to keep my foot out of my mouth.

Good luck, if the counselor gives you any advice, I'd love to hear it. I'll let you know what mine says on Friday.

Think this is just the way he and I are wired - we handle conflict differently. I get it out, like to hash it out and then move on - he likes to stew, think and drink it out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I guess it could've helped the other night if I had shrugged off his need to stew and said, "Oh well. He's still pi$$y about that silly little tiff. I'm not. Happy me, mad him."

I.e., let him feel that way and not try to press him into making up with me over it till he was ready. And honestly, it was over SUCH A SMALL THING!

Is it possible for me to get over it in my own mind (within a reasonable time-out at HIS request), and then be indifferent until he gets over it?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sure it is, but easier said than done. I've tried it and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have noticed though that if I let him have his time-out, then he comes around quicker, but its so hard. I want to move on and don't understand why he can't.

We had a bit of a tiff last night and I'm letting it go today and have decided not to even bring it up. If he's into the silent treatment when I get home, I'll just ignore it and act as I normally do and not bring it up. We'll see if that will smooth things out quicker. Might have to bite my tongue off - but I'm gonna try.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I am looking back at the tiff the other night, and thinking it would've gone better if I had stayed cool till he was over it in his own time.

Here's why: I interfered with a process he needs to go through. If I hadn't pressed him to make up with me and done what he wanted instead--(we were working on a project together and he wanted to "just get back to work" with me on it)...he would've come to me with a dialogue to tell me why he had been frustrated--this is a tool we are learning in therapy. I know this because he said so. He said, "No. I'm not ready to make up. Let's just do this project, and afterwards, I'd like to have a dialogue."

Instead of protesting that he try to make a connection with me FIRST, I should've accepted his feelings in that moment (even if IMO he was being unreasonable), and let him work it out in his own head, instead of trying to do it for him.

Really and truly, I wanted us to just bounce back without all the drama, but I should've let him take the opportunity to do some emotional work on his own, and then dialogue with me about it. Live and learn...

It may sound like I'm blaming myself or taking full responsibility, but really, if I just back off a little, he'll have to take responsibility for coming around. 

The silent treatment sucks. I hope he doesn't do that, but if he does, I hope you handle it well.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I do the same thing you do and kick myself each and every time. I just want to make up and make it okay and carry on, but he needs to process.

So I know how you feel. I'm really making a concerted effort to back-off when he needs the space after a tiff, like I said before sometimes I do and others I don't. Just need to figure out the times when I can't seem to hold my tongue and back off too.

Hopefully we'll both figure it out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you can agree to be in separate places while he decompresses? Like maybe he has a garage apartment he can go to?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Haha! We live in a tiny one-bedroom apt. The best I can do is go into the bedroom.
But at the moment I feel really good because we had the best therapy session we've ever had...
Our therapist told us we need to adjust our expectations for now because we keep setting ourselves up to fail.
The other good thing is that our next session is Monday.
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