# The husband



## Snowflake

Okay I am unsure if anyone else has a husband who is fine with whatever ?
I ask his advice on something he is like whatever you want .
I have to start things .
I have to decide always where we eat if we are going out .
Where we are going if we go out .
To be honest I am a little tired of always being the one who has to say or do .

He says I don't listen to him anyways (which is not 100% true )
He says it don't matter he says I am more picky than him .
Just once I wish he would be the one to do it.

Out of his family he has 2 brothers and a father he is the more dominate one of those but still he gets talked into things very easily by his mom, me not as much

So anyone else in this same boat ?
do I rock the boat or just keep it steady as you go ?


----------



## okeydokie

ok, great topic.

i am the husband

i am not saying this is the case for you, but it is for me. my wife asks me for my opinion, then immediately counters me with with the opposite. its as if she wants to either validate her own idea or she likes to feel smarter than me or that she likes to argue. not sure. the classic is "which pair of shoes looks better", she will always go with the one i dont pick. another one in my house, and it just pizzes me off, is when she is trying to figure out how to get somewhere in our city. i know it like the back of my hand, she doesnt. she gets very paranoid about driving around it. i tell her exactly how to get there, turn by turn, and she will immediately say "well google is telling me to go this way", so i will say, hey go googles way then but be careful at the end of the bridge because it isnt there.


----------



## Snowflake

okeydokie said:


> ok, great topic.
> 
> i am the husband
> 
> i am not saying this is the case for you, but it is for me. my wife asks me for my opinion, then immediately counters me with with the opposite. its as if she wants to either validate her own idea or she likes to feel smarter than me or that she likes to argue. not sure. the classic is "which pair of shoes looks better", she will always go with the one i dont pick. another one in my house, and it just pizzes me off, is when she is trying to figure out how to get somewhere in our city. i know it like the back of my hand, she doesnt. she gets very paranoid about driving around it. i tell her exactly how to get there, turn by turn, and she will immediately say "well google is telling me to go this way", so i will say, hey go googles way then but be careful at the end of the bridge because it isnt there.


Yeah I been there a little on those things ..Must just a woman thing :smthumbup:


----------



## chillymorn

yep sounds like you have conditioned him to let you have your way.


your statement thats not 100% true is telling. what % is it true? 99.9%


----------



## Snowflake

chillymorn said:


> yep sounds like you have conditioned him to let you have your way.
> 
> 
> your statement thats not 100% true is telling. what % is it true? 99.9%


Maybe I am trying to do better .

Its funny because there are like some lines I just know not to cross .Stuff my SIL would get away with .I don't even try doing anything like that .

I mean how can I get him to take charge at least a little ?I guess is what I am wondering ...


----------



## stoomey74

I am the husband as well, I make the choices and it drives me crazy. IF not we will just sit there and do nothing.


----------



## ocotillo

I am that husband too.

I don't have a favorite anything (Music, food, color, etc.) because I like damn near everything. On the other hand, my wife is one of the pickiest human beings I know. 

She'll agonize for ten minutes straight about what to order at a restaurant and even longer about what to wear. 

When you have two people where one is happy with almost everything and the other is happy with only a narrow range of things, it's inevitable that the picky person gets to decide if the goal is for both people to be happy.


----------



## Snowflake

ocotillo said:


> I am that husband too.
> 
> I don't have a favorite anything (Music, food, color, etc.) because I like damn near everything. On the other hand, my wife is one of the pickiest human beings I know.
> 
> She'll agonize for ten minutes straight about what to order at a restaurant and even longer about what to wear.
> 
> When you have two people where one is happy with almost everything and the other is happy with only a narrow range of things, it's inevitable that the picky person gets to decide if the goal is for both people to be happy.


Sounds a bit like me and him .He likes basically everything and I don't .so guess that not just us and that is good


----------



## Snowflake

stoomey74 said:


> I am the husband as well, I make the choices and it drives me crazy. IF not we will just sit there and do nothing.


Yep been there before I throw it back to him he throws it back to me and we sit there until I finally decide something


----------



## chillymorn

Snowflake said:


> Maybe I am trying to do better .
> 
> Its funny because there are like some lines I just know not to cross .Stuff my SIL would get away with .I don't even try doing anything like that .
> 
> I mean how can I get him to take charge at least a little ?I guess is what I am wondering ...


I would say to tell him its his turn to plan a date night. and no matter what he plans go along with it enthuasticaly.and then after tell him how much you liked the good parts of it with out critizing the parts you didn't like.

and then take turns.


my wife fall into this trap because we go out so infrequently that we both want to do something we both like.
But what happens is neither of us really have a good time because its always a compromise.


----------



## meson

My wife is like your husband with these things. I am more picky. She wants to please so that used to default to me deciding. Like for you, that became tiresome for me. The onus was always on me and it became a chore.

Here is our solution. We alternate who decides things. We tend to go out to eat on Saturdays and one week she will decide and another week I will. Since you are trying to get him to decide more the hard part is not to change the choice. Go with it even if you don’t like it to reward and validate the process. One way to deal with limiting the things you don’t like is to agree on a list but let them make the final choice. Or you can say something like “I want to eat out but not Chinese tonight”. This lets him choose but you put something specific to be avoided upfront.

For us this helped. She became comfortable with making choices and this spilled into other areas as well. I became more tolerant of things I didn’t like which helped validate her choices.

So after our restaurant nights became easier I let it be known that sometimes I just didn’t want to be the one to plan date nights. So I would let her know that I wanted to do something with her on such and such date but I didn’t know what. More and more she would step up because she was becoming comfortable about it. 

For our last anniversary I said I was logistically at capacity and wanted her to plan our celebration. She picked a movie and a new restaurant to try based on one of her closer friends recommendation and it was great. I also let her know what a great the evening she planned was.

Now she doesn’t need to be asked. Our boys were supposed to go on a Boy Scout ski trip this weekend that unfortunately got cancelled. We she stepped up and suggested we go as a family and had looked into it. Wow! So this weekend we are going skiing for a trip she thought of and planned. 

You can get there but you need to help him feel comfortable about it. Work on the small things first to enable his comfort to grow.


----------



## Snowflake

meson said:


> My wife is like your husband with these things. I am more picky. She wants to please so that used to default to me deciding. Like for you, that became tiresome for me. The onus was always on me and it became a chore.
> 
> Here is our solution. We alternate who decides things. We tend to go out to eat on Saturdays and one week she will decide and another week I will. Since you are trying to get him to decide more the hard part is not to change the choice. Go with it even if you don’t like it to reward and validate the process. One way to deal with limiting the things you don’t like is to agree on a list but let them make the final choice. Or you can say something like “I want to eat out but not Chinese tonight”. This lets him choose but you put something specific to be avoided upfront.
> 
> For us this helped. She became comfortable with making choices and this spilled into other areas as well. I became more tolerant of things I didn’t like which helped validate her choices.
> 
> So after our restaurant nights became easier I let it be known that sometimes I just didn’t want to be the one to plan date nights. So I would let her know that I wanted to do something with her on such and such date but I didn’t know what. More and more she would step up because she was becoming comfortable about it.
> 
> For our last anniversary I said I was logistically at capacity and wanted her to plan our celebration. She picked a movie and a new restaurant to try based on one of her closer friends recommendation and it was great. I also let her know what a great the evening she planned was.
> 
> Now she doesn’t need to be asked. Our boys were supposed to go on a Boy Scout ski trip this weekend that unfortunately got cancelled. We she stepped up and suggested we go as a family and had looked into it. Wow! So this weekend we are going skiing for a trip she thought of and planned.
> 
> You can get there but you need to help him feel comfortable about it. Work on the small things first to enable his comfort to grow.


Thanks that sounds like some great ideas :smthumbup:


----------



## Snowflake

chillymorn said:


> I would say to tell him its his turn to plan a date night. and no matter what he plans go along with it enthuasticaly.and then after tell him how much you liked the good parts of it with out critizing the parts you didn't like.
> 
> and then take turns.
> 
> 
> my wife fall into this trap because we go out so infrequently that we both want to do something we both like.
> But what happens is neither of us really have a good time because its always a compromise.


That is great idea also thanks


----------



## Kricket

We always take turns on who picks. The other person has veto power, but if the veto power is used, then that person must decide where to go. We are usually so happy that a decision has been made that no one ever uses the veto option


----------



## that_girl

Thankfully, I'm not married to a "yes" man. That would get old really quickly.


----------



## heartsbeating

Was he like this before you got serious? 

I've always respected someone who has an opinion or passion about something. I like someone with personality!

In saying that I've seen our friends, another couple, and she counters EVERYTHING he says. Any minor thing he expresses to us or talks about, and she's all over it with an opposing view. Sometimes he gives up and I've seen him roll his eyes and look tired with it. Maybe this feisty side was attractive in the beginning. I like a strong woman too, but there's a place for respecting someone else's choices and just rolling with it gracefully. Of course the flip-side to this, is that I couldn't understand why he'd even enter that dance with her. He didn't set boundaries. 

She was being that way to me one evening, started talking over my view and opposing it (nothing wrong with an opposing view! but it's the way it's done). My husband saw it as it was happening and then interrupted her and told her I was talking and she should let me finish - I don't remember the exact wording. She looked surprised but also backed down and then gave her opinion afterwards and in a less dominant way. 

Give him the chance to see that you do listen to him and that you aren't always picky. Then rinse and repeat.


----------



## Snowflake

To be honest I don't remember that was over 20 years ago .


----------



## heartsbeating

Snowflake said:


> Out of his family he has 2 brothers and a father he is the more dominate one of those but still he gets talked into things very easily by his mom, me not as much


So he's used to this pattern with the woman in his life ....the suggestions about date nights and weekends sound good. Show him you can roll with the punches (if a date isn't going according to plan or what you'd choose) and I hope you can both have FUN with it! Best wishes.


----------



## Stonewall

I can't wait to see what SA says about this one!


----------



## suesmith

My husband was this way. He couldnt make a decision to save his life! Even when I tried to not alude to what I thought or wanted... he would make vague comments or ask vague questions, then try and figure out what he thinks I would want.. and he goes with that. 

drives.me.nuts. 

I finally just quit trying to make him make decisions. When he asked me what I wanted.. I just told him and we did what I wanted to do. I got tired of playing the games with him. I figured if he wanted to do something different then what I wanted.. he was going to have to say so, or it wasnt going to happen. 

Good luck. I never came up with a workable solution for us.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> I can't wait to see what SA says about this one!


Hmmmmm , I was just skimming some of these replies and got to this :rofl: ... I wonder what ever you mean Stonewall.. 

Ok I will give my stab at this...



Snowflake said:


> Okay I am unsure if anyone else has a husband who is fine with whatever ?
> I ask his advice on something he is like whatever you want .
> I have to start things .
> I have to decide always where we eat if we are going out .
> Where we are going if we go out .
> To be honest I am a little tired of always being the one who has to say or do .
> 
> He says I don't listen to him anyways (which is not 100% true )
> He says it don't matter he says I am more picky than him .
> Just once I wish he would be the one to do it.
> 
> Out of his family he has 2 brothers and a father he is the more dominate one of those but still he gets talked into things very easily by his mom, me not as much
> 
> So anyone else in this same boat ?
> do I rock the boat or just keep it steady as you go ?


Now I have a feeling I am going to get my butt chewed as "controlling" if I dare suggest my husband is like this... well.. he is somewhat like this... He , however, doesn't tell me that I never listen to him anyway. That part does stick out like a sore thumb in this post ....

But very true... I am harder to please... .more choosey by my very nature in comparison to him. I don't think that makes me a bad person or him a bad person, but by default, I would get more irritated if I wasn't enjoying what we were doing. It is a temperment thing --again. 

My guess is either... some of what is spoken in these replies are correct.... you are harder to please & maybe you have escalated that some .... over the years ....in comments after he has made suggestions in the past, and he felt belittled. You may not have even realized you were doing this - many times people don't , and many will not tell you, but just suck it up , especially if he is the passive temperment of the Phleg anyway (more below). 

So he has come to the conclusion -it is best he stays quiet, goes with the flow....he gets more "PEACE" this way , and he likes peace. He doesn't want to be blamed afterwards if he made the choice and you didn't enjoy the food or the atmosphere was bad, etc. (Restaurant wise)..

Any truth to this ? 

And he could be like my husband, a true Phlegmatic temperment, these men are laid back , easy to get along with, they dislike conflict, they are slow to anger, patient.... good overview here :

The Easy Going Phlegmatic | Mediation Works North, Inc.

It says this


> They are content in almost any surrounding or circumstance and go with the flow of life. They have a calming disposition in times of trouble


 Sound familar ?

I am very considerate of my husbands feelings / wants / needs though, I wouldn't enjoy doing something if he wasn't enjoying himself (that would ruin it for me too)..... so we talk about anything /everything together ....Plans, vacations, ideas, where to eat, what movie to watch , I run it all past him...... I am a big question asker - purposely to draw things out of him, this has never bothered him..... and in reality, he NEEDS this type of woman ....cause in doing so....I learn what he *really* wants & enjoys. Of course he tells me too , he is not silent , just in comparison TO ME, he is more quiet -not jumping up & down in excitment over "stuff" -like I might ...... he is not one to come out and "demand" anything... Kinda wish he would in some things!!


----------



## suesmith

SimplyAmorous said:


> Hmmmmm , I was just skimming some of these replies and got to this :rofl: ... I wonder what ever you mean Stonewall..
> 
> Ok I will give my stab at this...
> 
> 
> 
> Now I have a feeling I am going to get my butt chewed as "controlling" if I dare suggest my husband is like this... well.. he is somewhat like this... He , however, doesn't tell me that I never listen to him anyway. That part does stick out like a sore thumb in this post ....
> 
> But very true... I am harder to please... .more choosey by my very nature in comparison to him. I don't think that makes me a bad person or him a bad person, but by default, I would get more irritated if I wasn't enjoying what we were doing. It is a temperment thing --again.
> 
> My guess is either... some of what is spoken in these replies are correct.... you are harder to please & maybe you have escalated that some .... over the years ....in comments after he has made suggestions in the past, and he felt belittled. You may not have even realized you were doing this - many times people don't , and many will not tell you, but just suck it up , especially if he is the passive temperment of the Phleg anyway (more below).
> 
> So he has come to the conclusion -it is best he stays quiet, goes with the flow....he gets more "PEACE" this way , and he likes peace. He doesn't want to be blamed afterwards if he made the choice and you didn't enjoy the food or the atmosphere was bad, etc. (Restaurant wise)..
> 
> Any truth to this ?
> 
> And he could be like my husband, a true Phlegmatic temperment, these men are laid back , easy to get along with, they dislike conflict, they are slow to anger, patient.... good overview here :
> 
> The Easy Going Phlegmatic | Mediation Works North, Inc.
> 
> It says this Sound familar ?
> 
> I am very considerate of my husbands feelings / wants / needs though, I wouldn't enjoy doing something if he wasn't enjoying himself (that would ruin it for me too)..... so we talk about anything /everything together ....Plans, vacations, ideas, where to eat, what movie to watch , I run it all past him...... I am a big question asker - purposely to draw things out of him, this has never bothered him..... and in reality, he NEEDS this type of woman ....cause in doing so....I learn what he *really* wants & enjoys. Of course he tells me too , he is not silent , just in comparison TO ME, he is more quiet -not jumping up & down in excitment over "stuff" -like I might ...... he is not one to come out and "demand" anything... Kinda wish he would in some things!!


LOL... So hubby is phlegmatic? What are you? 

I have done that temperment study.. and it opened my eyes about why hubby and I have issues. Hes a mix of phlegmatic and melancholy, and I am pure Choleric. Can you just imagine? LOL


----------



## SimplyAmorous

suesmith said:


> LOL... So hubby is phlegmatic? What are you?
> 
> I have done that temperment study.. and it opened my eyes about why hubby and I have issues. Hes a mix of phlegmatic and melancholy, and I am pure Choleric. Can you just imagine? LOL


Sounds like you *ARE* US -- what is your secondary type ?? We have always gotten along very very very well though. 

Did a thread on this here with various tests.... There is 2 different kinds of personality tests to take ....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html





















I am a Choleric / Melancholy and my husband is Phlegmatic / Melancholy. 

My husband has virtually zero Choleric in him and I virtually zero Phlegmatic (talk about opposites) - but in the Melancholy, we are in sinc, on the same page. 

What helps us get along fabulously is ....our Love Languages are perfectly matched (in the same order even) ... if you look up personalities in love, it even says Cholorics are best matched with Phleg's & vice versa .... can you imagine how WIRED 2 Cholorics would get along (like 2 drill sargents) - might kill each other !! .... and 2 Phlegs -could be very "uneventful".

And how funny it is .... my husband LIKES aggressive women, turns him on, he once said to me ....."Who needs a Roller derby woman, I got you".... and I have always been attracted to the NICE guys, the shy laid back type, I think "nature" is in all of this somehow.... I just KNOW HE is my perfect match.


----------



## heartsbeating

Snowflake said:


> He says I don't listen to him anyways (which is not 100% true )
> He says it don't matter he says I am more picky than him .
> Just once I wish he would be the one to do it.


But it seems the dynamic between SA and her husband is different.

SA - you summed up that your husband likes you to take charge and essentially he still feels his opinion would be valued if he did speak up. You also seem happy with the dynamic between you.

Snowflake (what a pretty username!) wrote she wished he would be the one to do it and he has criticized her approach/how it's made him feel. 

But if the personality traits are somewhat similar, then those tips such as you (SA) ask your husband lots of questions (and you no doubt take on board his thoughts) could be really beneficial.


----------



## Lionelhutz

My first girlfriend was the passive aggressive type who was afraid to make any decision of her own but reserved the right to complain bitterly if she didn't get what she wanted. She would even say things, and I think even believed things like "I'm flexible" or "I'm okay with whatever you want" when nothing could be farther from the truth.

Too often my wife asks for my input when she is obviously just using that as an intro for expressing what she wants. Other times she is clearly asking for an opinion simply to have someone to argue with.

The good news is when I say "I don't care" about something, I truly and honestly don't care. I have assured her it does mean I don't care about her, but just that topic. I have even offered to manufacture opinions if she would like...as in "For God Sakes!! This marriage is over if you even think of putting that vase on that end table"


And I recognize that if I didn't offer my input at the beginning I have forfeited my right to complain later.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Love this write up- it explains why the opposite temperments works well together... as I always say, my weaknesses R his strengths, and his weaknesses are MY strength's ..so we make a good team.

Personality Compatibility: Phlegmatic - Choleric Match





> *Heartsbeating said *: SA - you summed up that your husband likes you to take charge and essentially he still feels his opinion would be valued if he did speak up. You also seem happy with the dynamic between you.
> 
> Snowflake (what a pretty username!) wrote she wished he would be the one to do it and he has criticized her approach/how it's made him feel.
> 
> But if the personality traits are somewhat similar, then those tips such as you (SA) ask your husband lots of questions (and you no doubt take on board his thoughts) could be really beneficial.



My guess is this.... each is operating out of their weaknesses with each other to a higher degree that is turning each other off badly....which is not going to go over well within any relationship... learn of your temperments, and work on the strenghts of each with each other and you will find that you compliment very well. (or I hope if you have enough other things in common)....

I can tell you... I USED to be more controlling, reading these temperment books helped me understand why I was the way I was, but I also realized I had alot of GOOD traits too....It is even a struggle sometimes for the Choleric to to sympathetic.....sounds terrible I know!!! This is why I always say I am more selfish than my husband ...... If I want something, I am capable of running over others like a Mack Truck If I am not careful ... I think my melancholy temperment helps me balance this -cause then I feel very bad about it & have to make amends . One of the 1st books I ever read about these things was Amazon.com: Why You Act the Way You Do (9780842382120): Tim LaHaye: Books

Here is a great Write up on the Strenghts AND natural WEAKNESSES of The Choleric .. 



> *Inclusion Strengths of The Choleric*: Being open, friendly, confident, outgoing, optimistic, tough-minded, task oriented, perfectionistic with a good mind for envisioning new projects, and an extrovert of a highly selective nature.
> 
> *******Inclusion Weaknesses of The Choleric*: Hot-tempered, a people user, although everyone uses people to some degree, the Choleric in Inclusion “carries the red flag”. They think of themselves as people motivators. They become easily frustrated in their attempts to “motivate” people. They harbor anger and can be cruel and abusive.
> 
> *Control Strengths of The Choleric*: Tough-willed, a good leader, capable of making intuitive decisions, capable of taking on responsibilities, usually done in an efficient, well-disciplined military fashion. They possess the will power to carry through to completion.
> 
> *******Control Weaknesses of The Choleric*: Anger, cruelty, capable of undertaking any behavior to keep control. They associate with weak people and then resent their weaknesses. To them, the end justifies the means; so they are capable of very poor behavior. They are highly susceptible to burn out.
> 
> *Affection Strengths of The Choleric*: Being open, optimistic, outgoing, express a great deal of love and affection, and approach only select people for deep relationships.
> 
> *******Affection Weaknesses of The Choleric*: Extremely self-centered (although they do not appear this way), indirect behavior, reject people, reject the love and affections of people (they will accept love and affection only according to their terms), are usually cruel to those who reject their manipulation for love and affection.Personaltiy Type: Choleric


and now for the Phlegmatic :



> *Inclusion Strengths of The Phlegmatic*: The ability to perform tedious tasks, relate to both tasks and people, calm easygoing, extremely efficient and perfectionistic. The Phlegmatic in Inclusion can function quite well in a hostile social setting. Nothing “ruffles their feathers.”
> 
> *******Inclusion Weaknesses of The Phlegmatic*: Unwillingness to become involved, tendency to be an observer rather than a participant, and use of a verbal defense that often hurts others.
> 
> *Control Strengths of The Phlegmatic*: The tendency to be very practical, conservative, peace-loving and a good peace maker / arbitrator.
> 
> *******Control Weaknesses of The Phlegmatic*: Indecisiveness, the tendency to procrastinate, and being very difficult to motivate. They use verbal defenses that often hurt others; it is used against anyone who tries to motivate or control them, particularly Cholerics.
> 
> *Affection Strengths of The Phlegmatic*: Well balanced, easygoing, non-demanding, calm and realistic in demands for love and affection.
> 
> *******Affection Weaknesses of The Phlegmatic*: Unwillingness to become involved in deep relationships, tendency to be an observer only, rarely self-sacrificing, unemotional and inexpressive. Verbal defenses are used to protect low energy supply with regard to physical and sexual involvement. Personaltiy Type: Phlegmatic


----------



## Snowflake

Well to be honest though you all might not believe it .

In real life I am shy .I have been forced though to over come this but I am no way at a point of making a speech or anything like that . 
A lot of my situations I have taken charge .In other words if there is say 3 people and I ask them what they want to do and no one will tell me ,then I go ahead and make a descion .If I did not then we would never do anything .

I have had to confront many a person who is a leader or in charge or something like that ,because no one else will .

As to me and my h 's situation its way different then what I saw in my home growing up .
My mom would ask dad what he wanted and he said what he wanted ,yet my dad never ever confronted anyone on anything that was my mom who did .
As an only I guess I got a bit of both of them .
My father was 1 st born my mom 3rd born .
So as an only you are more like a 1st and my H was a 3rd born .
I see the birth order effect cause 3rd borns don't like conflict .Where as 1st and only well it comes with the territory .

I do submit and listen if I know he means it which is sometimes hard for me to tell .Other times he just says you do whatever you think is best .

There have been many a times I would love to say my mind but I don't even if they have hurt me like my SIL did .

I don't like to be in charge it just if no one else will then I do .


----------



## ocotillo

Interesting comments

I always thought my wife's pickiness, at least with food, was because her parents didn't make her eat her vegetables


----------



## suesmith

SA, my secondary is phlegmatic. Luckily, with age the weaknesses of my choleric side have mellowed. 

I do love that study though. It offers so much insight into why we do what we do.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Snowflake said:


> Well to be honest though you all might not believe it .
> 
> In real life I am shy .I have been forced though to over come this but I am no way at a point of making a speech or anything like that .
> A lot of my situations I have taken charge .In other words if there is say 3 people and I ask them what they want to do and no one will tell me ,then I go ahead and make a descion .If I did not then we would never do anything .
> 
> I have had to confront many a person who is a leader or in charge or something like that ,because no one else will .
> 
> As to me and my h 's situation its way different then what I saw in my home growing up .
> My mom would ask dad what he wanted and he said what he wanted ,yet my dad never ever confronted anyone on anything that was my mom who did .
> As an only I guess I got a bit of both of them .
> My father was 1 st born my mom 3rd born .
> So as an only you are more like a 1st and my H was a 3rd born .
> I see the birth order effect cause 3rd borns don't like conflict .Where as 1st and only well it comes with the territory .
> 
> I do submit and listen if I know he means it which is sometimes hard for me to tell .Other times he just says you do whatever you think is best .
> 
> There have been many a times I would love to say my mind but I don't even if they have hurt me like my SIL did .
> 
> I don't like to be in charge it just if no one else will then I do .


More similarities here... I am a choleric but I can be SHY too, I HATE speeches, was mortified in school, but glad they made me do them anyway...it helped to get through it. I was much more shy back then though, today I could wing that much better. I was an only child also -- and yeah, we kinda learn to do for ourselves (at least it was this way in my growing up, my step Mom was not my favorite person , I was on my own)... and my husband (the Phleg) was a 3rd child out of 4.

I never put too much stock in the Birth order thing, but my 3rd son is also very laid back, docile -the shy one, and many times when I ask him a question, I get an "I don't know" response. Hmmm interesting. What do they say about #4.... our 4th is overly sensitive and enjoys annoying everyone in his presence till they are ready to pound him.


----------



## Snowflake

I was trying to figure out those terms .I couldn't figure myself out .
I took the cupid test it said I was boring .Oh well


----------



## heartsbeating

Snowflake said:


> I don't like to be in charge it just if no one else will then I do .


So you've seen your father make decisions (perhaps with prompting from your mom though - you said she asked him questions), and you saw your mom being the confrontational one out of the two of them.

I have a question for you - do _you_ think you're picky? Despite whether your husband could have set boundaries, do you think it's reasonable comment on his part?
Is your husband apathetic? 
What would happen if you stopped making the decisions? (if you want the dynamic to change)


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Snowflake said:


> I was trying to figure out those terms .I couldn't figure myself out .
> I took the cupid test it said I was boring .Oh well


I looked that up, the OK cupid site WILL give you the personality type you are (it is darn accurate too- was for me & my husband -even in comparing with the other more serious test) but it is purely for making fun of a side of that temperment -it focused on the boring part. ......Don't worry about it, my son was "the Prick" and I was somewhere in between "the SAP" and the "Do gooder"...(since I am inbetween the thinking & the feeling) .....

Here is a much better defintion of the ISTJ... tell me if it rings true to your personality... this focuses on the GOOD also...

It stands for *Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging *



> ISTJs are often called inspectors. They have a keen sense of right and wrong, especially in their area of interest and/or responsibility. They are noted for devotion to duty. Punctuality is a watchword of the ISTJ. The secretary, clerk, or business(wo)man by whom others set their clocks is likely to be an ISTJ.
> 
> As do other Introverted Thinkers, ISTJs often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss.
> 
> ISTJs are most at home with "just the facts, Ma'am." They seem to perform at highest efficiency when employing a step-by-step approach. Once a new procedure has proven itself (i.e., has been shown "to work,") the ISTJ can be depended upon to carry it through, even at the expense of their own health.
> 
> ISTJs are easily frustrated by the inconsistencies of others, especially when the second parties don't keep their commitments. But they usually keep their feelings to themselves unless they are asked. And when asked, they don't mince words. Truth wins out over tact. The grim determination of the ISTJ vindicates itself in officiation of sports events, judiciary functions, or an other situation which requires making tough calls and sticking to them.
> 
> His SJ orientation draws the ISTJ into the service of established institutions. Home, social clubs, government, schools, the military, churches -- these are the bastions of the SJ. "We've always done it this way" is often reason enough for many ISTJs. Threats to time-honored traditions or established organizations (e.g., a "run" on the bank) are the undoing of SJs, and are to be fought at all costs.


 
OK Cupid's attempt to get a laugh out of our weaknesses..... 



> *Borefest - ISTJ*
> 
> One word. Boring. Sums you up to a tee. You're responsible, trustworthy, serious and down to earth. Boring. Boring. Boring.
> 
> You play by the rules. You follow tradition. You encourage structure.
> 
> You insist that EVERYBODY do EVERYTHING by the book. Seriously, is there even an ounce of imagination in that little brain of yours? I mean, what's the point of imagination, right? It has no practical value...
> 
> As far as you're concerned, abstract theories can go screw themselves. You just want the facts, all the facts and nothing but the facts.
> 
> Oh. And you're a perfectionist. About everything. You know that the previous sentence was gramattically incorrect and that "gramattically" was spelled wrong. Your financial records are correct to 25 decimal places and your bedroom is in pristine condition. In fact, you even don't sleep on your bed anymore for fear that you might crease the sheets.
> 
> Thankfully, you don't have anyone else to share the bed with, because you're uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others. Too bad.


----------



## Bottled Up

meson said:


> My wife is like your husband with these things. I am more picky. She wants to please so that used to default to me deciding. Like for you, that became tiresome for me. The onus was always on me and it became a chore.
> 
> Here is our solution. We alternate who decides things. We tend to go out to eat on Saturdays and one week she will decide and another week I will. Since you are trying to get him to decide more the hard part is not to change the choice. Go with it even if you don’t like it to reward and validate the process. One way to deal with limiting the things you don’t like is to agree on a list but let them make the final choice. Or you can say something like “I want to eat out but not Chinese tonight”. This lets him choose but you put something specific to be avoided upfront.
> 
> For us this helped. She became comfortable with making choices and this spilled into other areas as well. I became more tolerant of things I didn’t like which helped validate her choices.
> 
> So after our restaurant nights became easier I let it be known that sometimes I just didn’t want to be the one to plan date nights. So I would let her know that I wanted to do something with her on such and such date but I didn’t know what. More and more she would step up because she was becoming comfortable about it.
> 
> For our last anniversary I said I was logistically at capacity and wanted her to plan our celebration. She picked a movie and a new restaurant to try based on one of her closer friends recommendation and it was great. I also let her know what a great the evening she planned was.
> 
> Now she doesn’t need to be asked. Our boys were supposed to go on a Boy Scout ski trip this weekend that unfortunately got cancelled. We she stepped up and suggested we go as a family and had looked into it. Wow! So this weekend we are going skiing for a trip she thought of and planned.
> 
> You can get there but you need to help him feel comfortable about it. Work on the small things first to enable his comfort to grow.


Fantastic post meson. Damn near dead-on the money.


----------



## jkyoung1013

My wife and I fell into this as well. The cause, as best I can remember, was I picked a restaurant about a year into our marriage, she absolutely hated it and ridiculed it. Ironically it became a big chain and we went back there years later and she loved it...who would've thought? 

Tell him you want to be suprised by a date night, give him small parameters like casual/fancy, type of food, waterfront/or not, desert, bar...etc. Only pick 1 or 2 thigns to tell him and support his decision, unless it is god aweful.


----------



## Snowflake

Its funny cause last night he said I was indescisive (not sure how you spell it )


----------



## Snowflake

jkyoung1013 said:


> My wife and I fell into this as well. The cause, as best I can remember, was I picked a restaurant about a year into our marriage, she absolutely hated it and ridiculed it. Ironically it became a big chain and we went back there years later and she loved it...who would've thought?
> 
> Tell him you want to be suprised by a date night, give him small parameters like casual/fancy, type of food, waterfront/or not, desert, bar...etc. Only pick 1 or 2 thigns to tell him and support his decision, unless it is god aweful.


I think I am gonna try that thanks


----------



## mickotoo

O M G....I'm not the only husband here looking for a cure to " the husband" wives wouldn't even look.....Sure what would men know ..I'm the most hen pecked man in the world check my posts....WHY DO WOMEN DRAG YOU FROM ANOTHER ROOM TO START A FIGHT WITH YOU????? 
Ok Ladies since a woman threw herself infront of a horse for the right to vote(for a man) You all thing men are out to get You... truth is men d'ont care.... fed...warm and left alone is all we ask


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sounds like you *ARE* US -- what is your secondary type ?? We have always gotten along very very very well though.
> 
> Did a thread on this here with various tests.... There is 2 different kinds of personality tests to take ....
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am a Choleric / Melancholy and my husband is Phlegmatic / Melancholy.
> 
> My husband has virtually zero Choleric in him and I virtually zero Phlegmatic (talk about opposites) - but in the Melancholy, we are in sinc, on the same page.
> 
> What helps us get along fabulously is ....our Love Languages are perfectly matched (in the same order even) ... if you look up personalities in love, it even says Cholorics are best matched with Phleg's & vice versa .... can you imagine how WIRED 2 Cholorics would get along (like 2 drill sargents) - might kill each other !! .... and 2 Phlegs -could be very "uneventful".
> 
> And how funny it is .... my husband LIKES aggressive women, turns him on, he once said to me ....."Who needs a Roller derby woman, I got you".... and I have always been attracted to the NICE guys, the shy laid back type, I think "nature" is in all of this somehow.... I just KNOW HE is my perfect match.


Ha ha OMG as soon as I saw this question I thought SA is a cross between Choleric and Melancholy. Thats exactly what Mrs stonewall is. I'm Phlegmatic/Melacgholy with a slight touch of choleric in the sense of being goal oriented.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> Ha ha OMG as soon as I saw this question I thought SA is a cross between Choleric and Melancholy. Thats exactly what Mrs stonewall is. I'm Phlegmatic/Melacgholy with a slight touch of choleric in the sense of being goal oriented.


My Lord Stonewall...Really !







From early on, you sounded just like my husband in EVERYTHING you said, I even caught a post you did yesterday about getting Test treatment ....a few yrs ago, his Encron (I'm the one who sent him there -we know why :rofl said he may need it someday -so far so good at age 48 though )

Ok, I gotta ask >>>> have you taken the other tests yet ? ......the 1 out of 16 personality types..... 

I am a cross between ESFJ & ESTJ (the Relating Provider & the Directing Supervisor)...

and My husband is : ISFJ (the Relating Protector)


If you & her match all of these, darn, we might just have to meet - that's insane ! You guys are our twins ! I know we both have a great marriage, so these Temperment types DO work very well together.... I never look at my marriage as "work", neither does he...but back in the day, I was a bit bossy, and he was too passive.... but we got it right ...finally!!


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> My Lord Stonewall...Really !
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> From early on, you sounded just like my husband in EVERYTHING you said, I even caught a post you did yesterday about getting Test treatment ....a few yrs ago, his Encron (I'm the one who sent him there -we know why :rofl said he may need it someday -so far so good at age 48 though )
> 
> Ok, I gotta ask >>>> have you taken the other tests yet ? ......the 1 out of 16 personality types.....
> 
> I am a cross between ESFJ & ESTJ (the Relating Provider & the Directing Supervisor)...
> 
> and My husband is : ISFJ (the Relating Protector)
> 
> 
> If you & her match all of these, darn, we might just have to meet - that's insane ! You guys are our twins ! I know we both have a great marriage, so these Temperment types DO work very well together.... I never look at my marriage as "work", neither does he...but back in the day, I was a bit bossy, and he was too passive.... but we got it right ...finally!!


Haven't taken a test I'm just one of the ones that absorbs useless information (well seems useless at the time I absorb it but it always becomes useful somewhere down the line) but if you post a link (and i know you have one) I will take it. Everything you say sounds like my wife too. Seems **** everything you say is something we have lived. 

And your last paragraph is exactly like us. She was bossy, very independent and if she thought it then it flew right out of her mouth. Very fiery spunky woman. I was too passive to and absolutely abhor confrontation. but over the years we gravitated towards each others positions and met in the middle somewhere.

There is no work to it at all now. Early on I felt like I worked my ass off trying to figure out how to keep her from getting pissed at me. We have both figured out that the absolute opposites of our personalities balance each others extremes out.

Some how I figure if we ever met you and my wife would take over the world. Ya'll would be an indomitable force!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> And your last paragraph is exactly like us. *She was bossy, very independent and if she thought it then it flew right out of her mouth. Very fiery spunky woman. I was too passive to and absolutely abhor confrontation*. but over the years we gravitated towards each others positions and met in the middle somewhere.
> 
> There is no work to it at all now. Early on I felt like I worked my ass off trying to figure out how to keep her from getting pissed at me. We have both figured out that the absolute opposites of our personalities balance each others extremes out.


Oh that is toooo darn funny.. I hate to make myself sound bad but I really have to agree, that was US too -- in the past. I wasn't always so easy to deal with....mostly cause I couldn't get pregnant -very little patience....Bad time for me... I still say anything that is on my mind, but I have tempered it some , my kids get a grand charge out of it, they even purposely tick me off -to see how I will react, so it is all in fun..I'm really not an orgre.  I guess I am quite the :rofl:

Back in the day, I even bought these little christian books on "patience" and "humility"....caues I needed it !! I really believe looking back, I had my mind on too many things I wanted to accomplish & wasn't enjoying what was in front of me, not smelling those roses .... I also needed romanced & "laid" more , but didn't really know what I needed. How rediculous, and just like you, he abhored confrontation. I liked it ! 

My husband used to say "Yes Dear" alot to me (Oh my I am making myself look bad now!).... he was purely being sacrastic , I would smack him many times. We always got along really good though , he can handle me well-make me laugh at myself. Only one area that hurt him...I was too much into the kids & took him for granted , not enough sex. 

I asked him a couple yrs ago if he EVER thought the grass would be greener - he says “oh No its greeeeen, overloaded with fertilizer”, even when things were dry, he says having kids made him happy. I liked that response. 

Ok tests ... This one is more serious -- The Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-letter Type Indicator Test 

and this one is more goofy... ******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test

But they will give you the same answers (did for us, we took both).. 

Looking forward to hearing what you & she are -if you get the time !


----------



## SunnyT

When one person gets ixnayed enough...they'll quit offering ideas. 

My ex: "Where do you want to eat tonite?"
Me: "How bout Mexican?"
Ex: "Nah, I had that the other day."
Me: "How bout that new place?"
Ex: "Nah, I don't want to chance not liking a new place."
Me: " How bout the steak house?"
Ex: "I don't feel like steak. How bout the BBQ place?"
Me: "Good idea." (Why didn't he just offer this the first time?) 

He also said I didn't make decisions. Said I just let life happen. He didn't take into account that most of my decisions were discounted. I quit offering ideas...about most things. 

But... he was a schmuck.


----------



## joshbjoshb

I am the husband too!  I learned to get over it.

Just now (!) my wife is asking me an opinion about a work offer. Last time I told her what to do, for the next 5 years she is reminding me how control freak I am because I "forced her" (???) to take it.

So now she is like "what do you think", and I told her "do whatever you want, and you'll have to deal with the results yourself..."

Currently she is a stay at home mom, and this offer is for 2 hours a day which can be great for her. But hey, I can't tell her what to do so she will have to decide on her own.

However, whenever it comes to other things, I will offer my opinion without really caring if she will accept it or not. So it makes my life easier. 

"What shoes do you like better"? I don't even give it more than 10 seconds and I give my opinion. Sometimes she will accept, sometimes she won't but I don't really care so that helps!

However, when it comes to more serious decision in her life that doesn't really impact me (more like not directly), I will let her decide so she won't blame me afterwards as she loves to!


----------



## Idun

It might be that each time you have asked his opinion, and then just gone with what you wanted anyway - it's just chipped away at him. Now he doesn't want to try anymore!

I realised in recent years my partner is a dominant man, by listening him talk about his job and how he interacts with people there. But when it came to me... he couldn't even choose a parking spot without my approval!! It drove me nuts. I've had to gear riiiiiight back in order for him to 'take back the reins', and I am so much happier. All those little things that I just had to control, I realise they really aren't important, and I just let him do things his way and don't offer any 'helpful suggestions'. 

I read 3 books that helped me change the balance of our relationship - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Fascinating Womanhood, and The Surrendered Wife. The first book is Gold! The other two have a lot of great info, but there's a lot of preaching in there too so you have to really pick and choose what applies to you and what you're comfortable with (unless you are the religious type).

I really am so much happier now. And the more I stop trying to control him and everything we do, the less stressful my life is, the more of a man he becomes. Treat them like little boys and that's what they'll be, treat them like a man and that's what they'll become. It's true what they say behind every great man is a great woman, you have the power to build them up or tear them down.

Good luck!


----------



## Lionelhutz

Idun;605600
I realised in recent years my partner is a dominant man said:


> This does sound like my home situation a little.
> 
> In my job I make decisions all day everyday that effect people. I have to deal with bullying and pushy customers and business contacts in order to get what I want. The last thing I want to do when I get home is fight about control. Apart from large financial decisions and decisions about our son, most other things seem unimportant to me. If she wants me involved in those decisions I'm happy to do it, but then she has to actually step back.


----------



## Idun

I take care of the little things that I know he has no interest in. Where I have most had to step back and let go of controlling, was the things where I needed him to take action. I'd want him to do things my way, when I wanted, and I would be quick to criticize because I believed I knew best. I have found, there's more than one way to skin a cat if I'm willing to trust in him like I did at the start of our relationship! After being together for a long time I found I tried to control everything more and more, but I now give him a lot more credit (and respect) as a man, and he just naturally stepped up to the plate (once the shock wore off, lol).


----------



## Tall Average Guy

SunnyT said:


> When one person gets ixnayed enough...they'll quit offering ideas.
> 
> My ex: "Where do you want to eat tonite?"
> Me: "How bout Mexican?"
> Ex: "Nah, I had that the other day."
> Me: "How bout that new place?"
> Ex: "Nah, I don't want to chance not liking a new place."
> Me: " How bout the steak house?"
> Ex: "I don't feel like steak. How bout the BBQ place?"
> Me: "Good idea." (Why didn't he just offer this the first time?)
> 
> He also said I didn't make decisions. Said I just let life happen. He didn't take into account that most of my decisions were discounted. I quit offering ideas...about most things.
> 
> But... he was a schmuck.


This was my MIL. Drove me nuts, but everyone just put up with it. 

My wife is not like this. What took me awhile to figure out was that deferring to my wife on these little things fed her anxiety as she reverted to dealing with her mom. When I said I did not care, my wife secretly thought there was actually a correct answer that she needed to guess. Me making these decision, or at least staking out a clear position, made life so much easier for my wife.


----------



## Runs like Dog

I get a laugh over this. We rarely go out to eat and one of the reasons is that my wife always seems to have a bad experience. Either she can't make up her mind or doesn't like anything on the menu or doesn't like how it's prepared or picks a fight with the waitstaff or claims sudden food poisoning or simply gets up and leaves before the food comes if some 'thing' isn't to her liking. We have a shortlist of places that present the fewest problems she can pick one with one back up. After that I hope for the best. I know from experience what she'll pick off every menu every time. And if it all blows up, oh well.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Idun said:


> The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands


I wish so bad I would have read this book in my youth -- I feel it would have changed our whole marraige for the better, we wasted alot of years cause of my husband's passivity and MY not understanding the male sex drive & how important this is -for our husbands to feel loved . :banghead::banghead::banghead:


----------



## Idun

I am so glad I found it!! I could have used it 10 years ago but better late than never right?


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh that is toooo darn funny.. I hate to make myself sound bad but I really have to agree, that was US too -- in the past. I wasn't always so easy to deal with....mostly cause I couldn't get pregnant -very little patience....Bad time for me... I still say anything that is on my mind, but I have tempered it some , my kids get a grand charge out of it, they even purposely tick me off -to see how I will react, so it is all in fun..I'm really not an orgre.  I guess I am quite the :rofl:
> 
> Back in the day, I even bought these little christian books on "patience" and "humility"....caues I needed it !! I really believe looking back, I had my mind on too many things I wanted to accomplish & wasn't enjoying what was in front of me, not smelling those roses .... I also needed romanced & "laid" more , but didn't really know what I needed. How rediculous, and just like you, he abhored confrontation. I liked it !
> 
> My husband used to say "Yes Dear" alot to me (Oh my I am making myself look bad now!).... he was purely being sacrastic , I would smack him many times. We always got along really good though , he can handle me well-make me laugh at myself. Only one area that hurt him...I was too much into the kids & took him for granted , not enough sex.
> 
> I asked him a couple yrs ago if he EVER thought the grass would be greener - he says “oh No its greeeeen, overloaded with fertilizer”, even when things were dry, he says having kids made him happy. I liked that response.
> 
> Ok tests ... This one is more serious -- The Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-letter Type Indicator Test
> 
> and this one is more goofy... ******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test
> 
> But they will give you the same answers (did for us, we took both)..
> 
> Looking forward to hearing what you & she are -if you get the time !


Confrontation is something my wife does well too. LOL! And I have to admit it unnerves the hell out of me.

I am a cross between an ISFJ and ISTJ. Our work schedules have us like ships passing in the night right now but sometime between now and next week I'll get her to take it and see what she is.

I'll let you know.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> Confrontation is something my wife does well too. LOL! And I have to admit it unnerves the hell out of me.
> 
> I am a cross between an ISFJ and ISTJ. Our work schedules have us like ships passing in the night right now but sometime between now and next week I'll get her to take it and see what she is.


 I knew it - I knew it !! You are a *Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging *--- same as my husband !! .....with a little more "thinking". Ha ha Thinking is not his thing. I am a cross between thinking & feeling...but extroverted, more charasmatic. 

My husband says about me..."I am force to be reckoned with'. 

This was the 1st ISFJ explanation I came across when seeking out my husbands character, I laughed so hard reading this.....it is SO HIm in near everything it spoke....... ISFJ Profile

A few bits & peices here ... (my comments in bold)



> ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them.... *He loves when I am needy....especially in the bedroom*.
> 
> ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. *Yep, I took my husband for granted for years ! After reading this , I felt a little bit better, I guess it is common! *! Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). *Totally his attitude, he can do it all himself, he is outsideright now fixing our BURB, got a $1,500 check from Nationwide, some kid ran a stop sign -into us & he won't take it to anyone , he does his own work *.
> 
> And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself. *His appears to have no EGO at all, never brags, he lets me do that*. (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.. *He is content in the background kicking back watching everyone else. Typical behavior when we have friends over, with a few verbal jumps in here & there *..
> 
> In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others*. He is loved at work for his work ethic & peaceful demeaner, everyone wants to work with him & not the other guy, he is easy to talk too also, they all confide in him*. . ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. *...... You couldn't pay him to be a boss. *.
> 
> While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. *He lives for his family - I do love that*. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well.
> 
> Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you.... *I often wish he would fight back, this part kinda bugs me, but TRUE TO HIS character !! He tells me if I think belittting him is going to change him, I am all wet-that is not the way*.
> 
> One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners."
> 
> An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." *He hates to burden anyone, this drives me a bit batty too. He won't even ask me for help sometime when it would have cut his time in half, or ask the kids to go do something.. not me, I'll bark the orders & get them going out the door*. Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem. *>> and that is the most valuable thing I have learend in the past 3 yrs -- that I need to DIG , to get to what may be troubling him, this I missed in the past, I dug a little ....but not enough on the issues that needed to be dug up. Live & learn*.



For taking the time to take that test ...


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> I knew it - I knew it !! You are a *Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging *--- same as my husband !! .....with a little more "thinking". Ha ha Thinking is not his thing. I am a cross between thinking & feeling...but extroverted, more charasmatic.
> 
> My husband says about me..."I am force to be reckoned with'.
> 
> This was the 1st ISFJ explanation I came across when seeking out my husbands character, I laughed so hard reading this.....it is SO HIm in near everything it spoke....... ISFJ Profile
> 
> A few bits & peices here ... (my comments in bold)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For taking the time to take that test ...


WOW! That was an amazing read! I see my reflection in to much of that its almost scary. Like the sulking part for instance. I don't sulk. I really don't and have been misunderstood by many people over the years because of that. When I get really upset I get quiet. Its not about sulking its just how I deal with the turmoil I have going on inside. Its my way of not saying the wrong thing and escalating the situation.

Also I have been accused of being a snob in the past because while everyone else in a group was acting rather sanguine I just sat there listening because I get very uncomfortable in a crowd. Don't want to hurt anyones feelings so instead of leaving I just sit and listen. Truth is I am always looking for a way to exit though. Now throw me a couple shots of Jack Daniels and all that changes but without that I feel very anxious in a crowd. 

Never bothered to look this stuff up on the net so thanks for this info. It really is nice to see I'm not the odd ball I thought I was.


----------



## MrsOldNews

I got an "entj" on the first test and an "intp" on the second one. Both tests were almost dead on, wow


----------



## Stonewall

I got it on the I, S and F but don't quite understand what the J is about. Can you expand on that a little SA?


----------



## Bottled Up

I got an XXFJ... does that mean I'm only a Feeling/Judging type and the X's mean 0 score???


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> Its not about sulking its just how I deal with the turmoil I have going on inside. Its my way of not saying the wrong thing and escalating the situation.


 Yep, that is my husband too -why he needs a "digger" like me. I just genuinelly want to know how he feels. I am so vastly different from this.... for a long time, he made little sense to me.... it helped to read this stuff & realize he just looks at the world and conflict very different from myself. 



> Also I have been accused of being a snob in the past because while everyone else in a group was acting rather sanguine I just sat there listening because I get very uncomfortable in a crowd. Don't want to hurt anyones feelings so instead of leaving I just sit and listen. Truth is I am always looking for a way to exit though. Now throw me a couple shots of Jack Daniels and all that changes but without that I feel very anxious in a crowd.
> 
> Never bothered to look this stuff up on the net so thanks for this info. It really is nice to see I'm not the odd ball I thought I was.


I read what you said to my husband, and although I never thought he was uncomfortable & looking for an exit, he had to agree with what you said ! How funny is that ! :rofl:

I think I read somewhere that around 28% of women are ISFJ's but only 8% of men-- *see you guys are "extra special"... * The veteran actor Jimmy Steward was a ISFJ... and so is Mother Teresa .

Here is an absolute excellent write up on this temperment ... about : ISFJ Personal Growth

1. Allowing Your ISFJ Strengths to Flourish 
2. List of problem areas... explanations of problems 
3. Solutions 
4. Living Happily in our World as an ISFJ 
5.10 rules to live by to acheive success..

I think I am going to print that out & read it to my husband. 

Stonewall, that must be you & your wife in your little avatar, I know you swim with the dolphins, how exciting !



Stonewall said:


> I got it on the I, S and F but don't quite understand what the J is about. Can you expand on that a little SA?


The J = "judging"... are you a "judger"? I am, I tend to be critical- I have to watch myself... you already stated you are secondarily a *Melancholy*...they are notorious for being perfectionists ...even hard on themselves. 

Me & my husband both are "J"... we both tend to have a low tolerance of wreckless behavior from other people. He is always going on how he does not like people, not in a mean way, just a "I could happily live on a stranded island with just my family & be happy" way --- cause the rest of the world are A-holes. That is his attitude. I think even I like people more than him. But he is accually alot "nicer" than me deep within, or maybe not, he just comes off that way -caues he is less vocal and posseses more patience. Hmmm. 

I could be all wrong in what I am saying here (??), the opposite of the Judging is "Perceiving".. haven't studied the differences really so I am just guessing. 

I bet AFEH understands .... not sure he will come across this post, I know he has read alot about these temperments.... his ex had ALL 4 the opposite of what he was! Yikes, we are only off by 1 and a half out of 4 ..me being more extroverted and being split between Feeling & Thinking. 




Bottled Up said:


> I got an XXFJ... does that mean I'm only a Feeling/Judging type and the X's mean 0 score???



The X's mean you are split between Extraverted & Introverted, and again split down the middle between Sensing & iNtuitive 

(I am considered an X for the 3rd digit, as I am split between Feeling & thinking).


----------



## Snowflake

Got an IXTJ no idea what that means yet


----------



## Stonewall

ok I see what you mean. I try to be slow to judge but it only works out in the sense of being verbal about it. But I am pretty quick to make judgement in my mind. I don't know if that makes me judgemental or if it just means I can smell Bull**** a mile away. I really hope its the latter.

I agree We both have no tolerance for reckless horse hockey


Here is an aspect of me that I am curious to see how it relates to your H. 

If someone is a consistent problem over a very long period of time; I will get upset with them but will put up with it and put up with it and put up with it and after I have been long suffering Its like a switch is been thrown inside me and I am done with them. 

The Wife says I can be quick to cut them off, but in reality it would have been building for a long time I just wasn't vocal about it. Once i disconnect that's it I am done with them for good. They will not have another opportunity to cause me stress. Its not that I treat them bad at that point; I don't I'm cordial but I won't let them back into the sphere of influence (if you will). 

Oh another famous ISFJ was Robert E. Lee 

Yep that is us about a year ago in Rowatan Honduras with a dolphin named Fiona. It was a lot of fun. The dolphins were very personable each had its own personality loved to be petted and talked to and they talked back too. 

We have had some of the best times of our lives on cruises. Its the one place we can go where no one is monopolizing her time. She is one of those people that is a helper If she is talking to someone and she senses they need help then she is on it like a dog on a bone. The only problem with that is everyone knows it and they call her for anything and everything. she really gets taken advantage of and that bothers me greatly.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Stonewall said:


> ok I see what you mean. I try to be slow to judge but it only works out in the sense of being verbal about it. But I am pretty quick to make judgement in my mind. I don't know if that makes me judgemental or if it just means I can smell Bull**** a mile away. I really hope its the latter.
> 
> I agree We both have no tolerance for reckless horse hockey


 Yep, my husband is just more quiet about it also -(But I always get an earful later)....but the judgement is there, the smelling of BS. Oh yeah. Me, on the other hand, I'll accually say something (in a light hearted manner).... If I don't think I'll get beat up. I have a way of getting people to open up to me.... so I can explore more about them & see if I am being too pre-judging or I was right on the money. 



> Here is an aspect of me that I am curious to see how it relates to your H.
> 
> If someone is a consistent problem over a very long period of time; I will get upset with them but will put up with it and put up with it and put up with it and after I have been long suffering Its like a switch is been thrown inside me and I am done with them.
> 
> The Wife says I can be quick to cut them off, but in reality it would have been building for a long time I just wasn't vocal about it. Once i disconnect that's it I am done with them for good. They will not have another opportunity to cause me stress. Its not that I treat them bad at that point; I don't I'm cordial but I won't let them back into the sphere of influence (if you will).


 No Stonewall, I can't say this is true- at least nothing I have seen in him, or maybe noone is that close (except family) to really care or have a need to cut off -permanently. 

He is like you in the sense he will always be cordial -whether he likes you or not .. but he is very very forgiving of any wrongs (thank god or he probably would have dumped me a long time ago). Or maybe he was just never HURT enough to need to cut anyone off like that. I can't think of one person he has felt this way about....

But there has been times where he will go off on people & boy is it ever funny. He did this at work once -the guys were speechless -cause they are not used to seeing it -from him. When we all went out to eat one time, this was the big talk -to share that story with me. This one co-worker pisses him off all the time-just an annoying Cuss to work with (everyone feels the same)... and well -he had enough, he got up into his face, gave him an upside down finger , said "you see this, you want me to turn it up" .... something like that. The room got real quiet. ....And he will give sarcastic remarks sometimes, so you have some idea he is ticked. 

His remarks are so good, they usually get no response. His latest boss told him one day, he can not figure him out.

I can't say he goes out of the way for any relationships except family , and well, if they are my friends, he happily puts up with them....one of them he does not like too much (her wild lifestyle, appears to be sue happy , blames teachers for her sons issues -we feel it is more her parenting)... & he'll make comments like that about her (she is not in our life now, she gets mad at me periodically -jealously issues with my other friends) then calls again yrs later wanting to hang out, he might sigh or something about her...like it was better when she hated me.... but when we're together, he still laughs and we have a great time. She is ALOT of FUN ..even if she is a bit obknoxious in other ways. 



> Oh another famous ISFJ was Robert E. Lee


 I meant to say him too. Just this morning , I mentioned Robert E Lee to my husband, how he was a General ! So even this temperment can be a LEADER, but I bet all of those weaknesses had to be worked out & fine tuned for sure. We are fond of Robert E Lee ....the Man we call for house repairs (the big stuff-our contractor)...he got a side job traveling around the country doing those Civil War Re-enactments & he IS Robert E Lee. We adore our contracter, great guy...and he adores Robert E Lee, last time he did a job for us , he whipped out his book showing us photos of these re-enactments. He has such passion about it. Very inspired by the man, we ran into him at the Fair dressed like that, it was exciting, I regret not having my camera that day...and this man seems to have the same temperment as my husband ...and well, Robert E. Lee ! 


> Yep that is us about a year ago in Rowatan Honduras with a dolphin named Fiona. It was a lot of fun. The dolphins were very personable each had its own personality loved to be petted and talked to and they talked back too.


If I ever do this someday, It will be because of the stuff you have shared on this forum, we've never heard anyone else talk about it,or who have done it. 












> We have had some of the best times of our lives on cruises. Its the one place we can go where no one is monopolizing her time. She is one of those people that is a helper If she is talking to someone and she senses they need help then she is on it like a dog on a bone. The only problem with that is everyone knows it and they call her for anything and everything. she really gets taken advantage of and that bothers me greatly.


Little surprised to hear this part, with her being a choleric personality-- I am not like that, I have no problem saying No (if I feel I am being taken advantage of -that is)... but It helped to read this book early in my life to -understand I didn't have to feel guilty about it. 

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Snowflake said:


> Got an IXTJ no idea what that means yet


You are a cross between this Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging  *and * Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging 

....you have a nice mixture of Sensing and Intuitive.

Love these write ups (below)...

1. Allowing Your IXTJ Strengths to Flourish 
2. List of problem areas... explanations of problems 
3. Solutions 
4. Living Happily in our World as an IXFJ 
5.10 rules to live by to acheive success


ISTJ Personal Growth

INTJ Personal Growth

.


----------



## Stonewall

SimplyAmorous said:


> Little surprised to hear this part, with her being a choleric personality-- I am not like that, I have no problem saying No (if I feel I am being taken advantage of -that is)... but It helped to read this book early in my life to -understand I didn't have to feel guilty about it



She doesn't have a problem saying no per se; rather she is the one that thinks they need help so she jumps all over it. But they do take advantage of that helper part of her. Thats part of the take charge person she is. If she thinks it needs to be done shes on it but sometimes she needs to let them do it themselves.


----------

