# How to get affection, intimacy, words, something....



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Here is my story. Scroll down to see the timeline.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/44486-he-wants-improve-sex-now-what.html

He used to write love notes, used to bring me things, bought me gifts, flowers, was affectionate, hugged me often, said ILY all the time, in short he was a man in love.

And then I messed it up. 

Here's where we are now. Sex is good. He will cuddle while watching tv and hold my hand. He hugs me 'maybe' once a day. Kisses are ALL initiated by me. He enjoys it all and doesn't reject me but I initiate most of the affection. I think he does love me. 

I think he's still scared to approach me. I emasculated him early on in our marriage. 

My question is how do I up the affection and intimacy? We are doing great overall considering where we came from so on that note I'm not complaining. I'm just wondering how to go to the next level. KWIM?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I wish I could offer you something more tangeable.

I think kissing is a very significant thing.
I did not fully realize it until I tried the Ten Second kiss from Athol's web site.

I don't know, maybe this is just a guy thing to do. But maybe you can make this your own.

Sexy Moves: The Ten Second Kiss | Married Man Sex Life


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes... isn't it amazing how long 10 seconds can take/feel... 

Mavash we did a massage course a few years ago. Once a week for one hour we were taught techniques then we were sent home with 'homework'. The first time in my life when I really really looked forward to doing homework  
These days were doing Ceroc together. It also involves 'homework' and close body contact. We also laugh alot...which I find very sexy.

Both of these things put us in very close contact and satisfy my affection/closeness needs.

Other than that when I want a kiss I say " kiss me you brute!"
When I want a hug I stand there with my arms spread wide and a smile on face...he knows what to do.

I found over the years H had got out of the habit of kisses and cuddles. They are waaaay more important to me than him. So I make more effort. When it comes to sex he probably is higher sex drive than me (although i'm not far behind)...he chases me, makes me feel 'wanted'.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that i took on the 'burden' of bring more loves and cuddles into the marriage... he seems to like that i do this... it sounds like maybe your man does too. makes him feel desired and wanted and we all want that...don't we??


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Massage!!! Of course. This is something I reintroduced to our marriage. It has really made a difference. I do not treat the massage as a special occasion but try to make this a part of our lives. I am finding that it has broken down some of the barriers you are talking about.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Here is my story. Scroll down to see the timeline.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/44486-he-wants-improve-sex-now-what.html
> 
> ...


 
"I think he does love me. "

I really do relate to you sometimes from your posts. 
I scared off my H as well. But I didn't stick around to work on getting back. Long story. Doesn't matter. 

cooling off the thermostat and letting him be in control works for awhile. But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes these "types" of men aren't really the kind you read about in MMSL.

They were attracted to the HD dominant type in the first place because they aren't dominant. 

The HD dominant woman NEEDS a man that will bend them over and kiss them in the kitchen, be 'manly' about initiating sex, take them to the bed, etc. 

Women initiators are really in essence showing men how they want to be aroused. "do this to me". 

If they don't do it.. it falls under the category of whether or not they love us. 

It's a personality thing. It's an ego thing. It's NOT personal. But it may seem weird or unnatural for him to do. Practice? 
Playing sex games, find out what makes him "hot" and practice at getting him to associate being horny with initiating on those thoughts. Taking you off the pedestal. Learning to go to you when he's horny. Learning sexuality.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I like the suggestions about long kisses and sensual massages. I think that you said that his love language is gifts. Get him little things that make him feel cherished. 

I also think that experiences are important to re-build trust and love. Plan weekends together whenever you can get a baby sitter. It will take time, and your patience will be rewarded.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Early in the relationship, when he did these things that you would treasure, like the notes, I love you's, etc, he had an image of you and the relationship that drove those behaviors, if that makes any sense. Sometimes, the drive to do these comes when we are feeling happy in the relationship, and we feel strongly that those actions make a difference. In his gut, he felt that he had power to move you emotionally by doing those things.

Not sure if that makes much sense.

You said that the relationship began to be dominated, to a degree, by your depression, and you blamed things on him. Yes, maybe he retaliated to a degree by stopping these things, but what I'm getting at is that maybe he also felt powerless to please you, losing that feeling that his little gifts and notes would move you.

Maybe I'm way off base, but I really liked what the others suggested. Also, try to remember how you responded to him while you were dating. Did you slouch down while you were sitting beside him and wrap his arm around your shoulder, moving close? Did you take his arm for support? Smile more at his comments? In tandem with telling him how sorry you are that such things stopped, and how you hope he can do them again, maybe try being very obvious in doing those types of things that show him that his attention is highly valued. Don't hold him - help him hold you by pulling his arm around you. Sit closer, looking at him expectantly.

Maybe it sounds silly, but many men are very capable of carrying on a romantic narrative in their mind. Help him see that you are open to that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm here reading all the responses and I'm pondering. I believe it's totally fixable. He wants to do whatever he has to in order to make me happy. What he wants most is a happy wife.

I needed more than anything I think is encouragement. My whole family is scared of me. It's not just my husband - its my kids too. I've got a legacy of being an angry, depressed woman to live down. Even though I haven't been that person for a long time my kids still remember it. I'm working to get them to open up and trust me again. Thats a little easier than my husband. They WANT to trust me. They WANT to be close to me. All they need is to know that it's safe and they run into my arms. My husband is a bit more hesitant.

We've come a long way as a family. I had no idea how far reaching depression was until it was gone. I'm a new person but what I failed to see is they are still responding as if I'm the old me.

THAT is what I need help overcoming. Or I should say helping them overcome it.

Make sense?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm here reading all the responses and I'm pondering. I believe it's totally fixable. He wants to do whatever he has to in order to make me happy. What he wants most is a happy wife.
> 
> I needed more than anything I think is encouragement. My whole family is scared of me. It's not just my husband - its my kids too. I've got a legacy of being an angry, depressed woman to live down. Even though I haven't been that person for a long time my kids still remember it. I'm working to get them to open up and trust me again. Thats a little easier than my husband. They WANT to trust me. They WANT to be close to me. All they need is to know that it's safe and they run into my arms. My husband is a bit more hesitant.
> 
> ...


One thing that draws me to your threads is that it reminds me so much of the struggles that my wife faces.

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. So much of the way you relate to your family is because of your sense of responsibility, and just wanting things to be the best that they can be. Maybe a part of the reason that they are scared is because you face the issues boldly, and you want the very best results in every aspect of your family. Recognize that the same part of you that might have intimidated them in the past also legitimately made things better for your family. There is good with the negative, in other words. Beneath it all, there is love for your family. They see this. Your legacy is built on the love for them, and the way you made the family better. 

For us, when my wife said similar things that you are saying, one of the most healing discussions we had as a family is where we each told the children that we reconginzed our faults, were sorry, but reminded them that so much of it was driven by our sense of responsibility and love for them. Turns out, they were looking for an excuse to forgive my wife, and her affirmation gave it to them.

The words you've relayed in your posts, and the self-awareness, only prove that the right ingredients are there for continued growth as a couple and a family. Start letting the guilt go. You deserve it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Halien said:


> Also, try to remember how you responded to him while you were dating. Did you slouch down while you were sitting beside him and wrap his arm around your shoulder, moving close? Did you take his arm for support? Smile more at his comments? In tandem with telling him how sorry you are that such things stopped, and how you hope he can do them again, maybe try being very obvious in doing those types of things that show him that his attention is highly valued. *Don't hold him - help him hold you by pulling his arm around you. * Sit closer, looking at him expectantly.
> 
> Maybe it sounds silly, but many men are very capable of carrying on a romantic narrative in their mind. Help him see that you are open to that.


This is Gold. I was trying to figure out to express this very thing. Awesome. This is essential. Guide him how to show you attention. 

This is sticky materail here. 

YES YES YES


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am reading this with interest. With the struggles in my marriage, one of the things that allmost got left by the wayside is affection. My H has swung markedly through phases. One thing I have really noticed recently is when he initiates, he is often coming from a "cold start." I fear asking him for the affection I want on top of the sex schedule we have recently implemented is just going to be too much.

I shall be watching this thread with interest, especially if any Hs respond who feel they aren't naturally affectionate types. Hope you get some good feedback M.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> We've come a long way as a family. I had no idea how far reaching depression was until it was gone. I'm a new person but what I failed to see is they are still responding as if I'm the old me.
> 
> THAT is what I need help overcoming. Or I should say helping them overcome it.
> 
> Make sense?


It is awesome that you have come so far, Mavash (and I finally was able to figure out your last user name)! I think the thing is to just try for consistency and being patient with your family. Rebuilding trust takes time, but showing them a consistent, contented, non-regimented Mavash everyday will win them over in time.

There's a great saying by Lao Tzu -“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.” From your posts, it sounds like previously you were very rigid - you were like the rock and you have worked to become like the water. Now your family is the rock and you the water. In time, with patience, you may see the change in them too, especially if you consistently stay the water. 

The other thing I wanted to say was to not be so hard on yourself. You can't emasculate a man unless he also is willing to allow that to happen. In otherwords, both you and your husband are responsible for the state of your marriage ... your husband obviously has his own issues that caused him to react to you in the manner that he did. Has he ever gone on to do any therapy on his own? You have owned your part in it and diligently and valiantly turned it around. He will need to do the same.

Best wishes.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchantment my husband has been saying since March that he's going to do IC. Yes he needs it. My therapist (same one we did MC with) says our marital problems aren't all mine. She says he most certainly brought his own baggage into this. 

He then tabled IC so I dropped it. This past week he's brought it up twice so we'll see. I've been advised to not push this issue. I can sell him on the idea but the final decision needs to be his.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> It is awesome that you have come so far, Mavash (and I finally was able to figure out your last user name)! I think the thing is to just try for consistency and being patient with your family. Rebuilding trust takes time, but showing them a consistent, contented, non-regimented Mavash everyday will win them over in time.
> 
> *There's a great saying by Lao Tzu* -“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.” From your posts, it sounds like previously you were very rigid - you were like the rock and you have worked to become like the water. Now your family is the rock and you the water. In time, with patience, you may see the change in them too, especially if you consistently stay the water.
> 
> ...


Anyone who quotes Lao Tzu is just ok with me. LOL.

:smthumbup:

I suspect you should take full credit for the bolded. Very wise insight. Nice.


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