# Need opinions on bringing up the past



## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

So my girlfriend of less than a year has trust issues. Been there from day one since I met her from her ex and I have done nothing to betray her trust in me. So we were out with long time friends of mine and us guys were setting off fireworks with the kids and I hear the two woman keeping their voices down while talking. Well it had been a great night with lots of laughter. That is until my girlfriend was trying to dig up dirt on me. Eventually my female friend told my girlfriend that my ex wife said once that I gawked at attractive women. Wasn't true but I do notice like anybody. My ex wife said this prob 7 long years ago. So after a great night we get in the car my girl friend throws 
that in my face and said shei knew it. First I was mad at her for trying to dig up stuff, wasnt the first time, then I was mad at my friend of 20 years for even bringing it up. So much so I called her and told her to mind her own ****ing business thank you and hung up. I mean what on earth is the motive unless it was to create drama which is exactly what it did. My buddys wife hardly knew my girlfriend. Anyway, there are still hard feelings on their side. My divorce was painfull and there was no reason to go back to it. I meant what I said even though I didn't say it in the best way. I can admit that if my friend can admit she should have stayed out of my past. Thoughts welcomed.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sweeny said:


> So my girlfriend of less than a year has trust issues. Been there from day one since I met her from her ex and I have done nothing to betray her trust in me. So we were out with long time friends of mine and us guys were setting off fireworks with the kids and I hear the two woman keeping their voices down while talking. Well it had been a great night with lots of laughter....that is until my girlfriend was trying to dig up dirt on me. Eventually my female friend told my girlfriend that my ex wife said once that I gawked at attractive women. Wasn't true but I do notice like anybody. My ex wife said this prob 7 long years ago. So after a great night we get in the car my girl friend throws
> that in my face and said shei knew it. First I was mad at her for trying to dig up stuff, wasnt the first time, then I was mad at my friend of 20 years for even bringing it up. So much so I called her and told her to mind her own ****ing business thank you and hung up. I mean what on earth is the motive unless it was to create drama which is exactly what it did. My buddys wife hardly knew my girlfriend. Anyway, there are still hard feelings on their side. My divorce was painfull and there was no reason to go back to it. I meant what I said even though I didn't say it in the best way. I can admit that if my friend can admit she should have stayed out of my past. Thoughts welcomed.


It feels like there are continuing issues from your divorce, even though it was some time ago, that have caused you to pour gasoline on fires instead of looking for ways to tone down the rhetoric. The trust issue here appears to cut both ways; it was you eavesdropping on your gf after all.


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

No, when I walked back to the truck where they were to get more stuff it was whispers. She brought it all up on the ride home.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How old are you and your girlfriend?

How long have the two of you been divorced from your respective exes?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Why are you with a woman who intentionally "digs up dirt" and starts arguments over it? That is immature/bad behavior, why are you putting up with it?

There is nothing you can do to change her behavior. You need to set boundaries for what you will tolerate and if she won't respect them then let her go.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Red Sonja said:


> Why are you with a woman who intentionally "digs up dirt" and starts arguments over it? That is immature/bad behavior, why are you putting up with it?
> 
> There is nothing you can do to change her behavior. You need to set boundaries for what you will tolerate and if she won't respect them then let her go.


I had to like this twice.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sweeny said:


> . So after a great night we get in the car my girl friend throws
> that in my face and said shei knew it. First I was mad at her for trying to dig up stuff, wasnt the first time, then I was mad at my friend of 20 years for even bringing it up. So much so I called her and told her to mind her own ****ing business thank you and hung up. I mean what on earth is the motive unless it was to create drama which is exactly what it did. My buddys wife hardly knew my girlfriend. Anyway, there are still hard feelings on their side. My divorce was painfull and there was no reason to go back to it. I meant what I said even though I didn't say it in the best way. I can admit that if my friend can admit she should have stayed out of my past. Thoughts welcomed.


I must say, I don't think this is the best gal for you I would also be offended at my gal and take the 20 yr aqaintance's off my list as a friend. They are not and do not have your best interest at heart. You can tell alot from someone when they repeatedly do the same time and time again. You gf l would dump and get another. She doesn't love you and it shows she's evaluating you because you can give her the life she wants.

And is asking all these questions of others to see if her desired level of living out weights you short comings or issues. Now then what does that say to me you are a bank ATM for her, and her own crap will continue aleast until she finds another sugar daddy, and drop you like a hot potato. So you have choice's to make does her repeated shortcomings out weight the life of a single until you can find someone who really loves you for who you are at present, and not who you once were.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Add a third like.

Why are you putting up with this from someone you are only dating???

How snake like. Soliciting something negative about a past relationship of yours and then attacking you with it. I bet those fangs hurt. 



Tilted 1 said:


> Red Sonja said:
> 
> 
> > Why are you with a woman who intentionally "digs up dirt" and starts arguments over it? That is immature/bad behavior, why are you putting up with it?
> ...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You said it, she has issues.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Proceed with caution.

Sounds like she has issues.

Maybe she is not over her ex, and is projecting his sins onto you.

You do not deserve this. And, like I said, maybe she is not over her ex.

Maybe you should be her next ex.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sweeny said:


> So my girlfriend of less than a year has trust issues. ...that is until my girlfriend was trying to dig up dirt on me. Eventually my female friend told my girlfriend that my ex wife said once that I gawked at attractive women. Wasn't true but I do notice like anybody. ... First I was mad at her for trying to dig up stuff, wasnt the first time, then I was mad at my friend of 20 years for even bringing it up. … Thoughts welcomed.


Okay, you asked the question, so I'll provide my answer. You've been with this woman for less than a year. SHE has trust issues. So why are you with a woman who has this type of baggage? Let me guess, sex is great, she's lots of fun, you have a great deal in common. BUT … she has trust issues. 

Okay, she sounds like she has the maturity of a high school kid. Do I consider what she has a "trust issue"? Hell, no. She's looking for something about you to reinforce HER issue(s) whatever it/they may be. Trust or not, do you want to waste another second trying to prove to her you are a trustworthy partner?

Man, please tell me that you can do better than this broken toy. Seriously.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Send her this link - https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/

and pull way back, detach for awhile. When she calls, tell her your concerns, and that unless she can separate you from past men in her life, it's over.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

My friend, you need to take a hard look within yourself and ask why are you letting yourself to be set up for a life that based on your input is/will not be a nice one with this person. You said it yourself: she has issues. These most likely will be highly highlighted once you tied the knot. 
You need to sit down and lay your cards down with her once for all about these issues. If after this things continue the same, you'll now know how things will be forever. 
Are you willing to take that chance? Personally I wouldn't.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’ll keep this short.....your setting yourself up for a life of drama filled disaster. Your already putting a strain on long time friendships because of her issues. She will isolate you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Don't try to fix her, you didn't cause the damage so it's not your problem to fix. Secure your bunnies and dump her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sweeny said:


> Eventually my female friend told my girlfriend that my ex wife said once that I gawked at attractive women.


I read this and was quite convinced the people involved were teenagers. I'm not saying that to make a point, I really thought it when I read the post. Then I thought "Wait...they've both been married and divorced, so they can't be teenagers. What the actual F?

Sexually mature males and females will occasionally "gawk" at attractive members of whatever gender they prefer. This is normal and standard. The fact that the "dirt" your incredibly immature GF dug up on you was that you're a normal male who may have "gawked" at a hot woman is just absolutely insane.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

After you split, figure out what is going on inside you and work on that some. Doesn't seem like a great deal from your post, but something is up. You still care or you wouldn't have gotten as angry as you did when she brought it up. Try to avoid serious relationships until that's gone or under control.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> Why are you with a woman who intentionally "digs up dirt" and starts arguments over it? That is immature/bad behavior, why are you putting up with it?
> 
> There is nothing you can do to change her behavior. You need to set boundaries for what you will tolerate and if she won't respect them then let her go.


This


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This GF of yours has her 'dam' doubts about you, she needs those thoughts reinforced so she can get out of the way when she opens the spill gate, flushing you away.

She is poisoning your relationship purposely. 7
Why?

Her subconscious mind wants out. Pluto cannot be denied.

Her being toxic, can only bring out her, those naturally (for her) toxic actions and words. 7

You suffer secret enemies, those folks thought friendly, those disquieted beings that snip at your heels, covertly. 12, 11
You also suffer enemies that are openly hostile. 11, 12, 7 

Fate has it to attack you in the open, through friends and acquaintances. 11, 7

You need to know that this is your lot in life.

Choose your friends wisely, your love mates even more carefully.

Fate has it to attack you from the rear, from that dark place 12.
And openly, from two fronts, these affronts.

You can be had, have been had.
Now, you know.



King Brian-


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think your mad at the wrong person here. You should be upset with your gf not your friend. 
Also you need to learn how to communicate a hell of a lot better than just calling someone and cussing them out. Have a mature and calm conversation with her about how you don’t want her to talk about your previous relationships with your current one. And leave it at that. 

As far as your gf goes... you need to cut that behavior ASAP. Everyone has issues and I understand that. But she is trying to find things not to like about you, reasons not to trust you, then she can hold it against you and punish you for life with it. She needs to get a hold of her issues if she ever wants a healthy relationship.


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

I know I didn't handle it great and called when the argument in the truck was going on. I was more disappointed in my friend then angry. Yeah I was mad at my girlfriend. Prodigal hit the nail on the head plus I fell in love with her and and was hoping things would change. You are all right. I don't give up easily and its just hard to let go sometimes.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sweeny said:


> I know I didn't handle it great and called when the argument in the truck was going on. I was more disappointed in my friend then angry. Yeah I was mad at my girlfriend. Prodigal hit the nail on the head plus I fell in love with her and and was hoping things would change. You are all right. I don't give up easily and its just hard to let go sometimes.


Is your girlfriend "young"? Just curious, because it sounds like she is.


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

36


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sweeny said:


> 36


Unfortunately, if she is still acting 13 at this age, odds are she is stuck in that behavior pattern.

People can change but she obviously hasn't grown emotionally past tweeny crap.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sweeny said:


> 36


Has there been infidelity in the relationship? Was their infidelity in either or your pasts?


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

None in either of ours that we know of


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

None that I know of


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What is it that you actually want considering the fact that you know your setting yourself up for disaster? She have big tits or something??


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I would dump the both of them......


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sweeny said:


> 36


She's a full grown woman with a marriage and divorce under her belt and she considers hearing that her BF, at some point in the past, "gawked" at an attractive woman something to be upset about? Are you kidding me? At her age she should be well aware that men and women look at other men and women they find visually appealing and that, so long as there is no improper behavior, this is completely normal and harmless. The fact that she "threw in your face" and said she "knew it" makes me question her sanity, maturity, and/or understanding of reality and the natural world.



Lila said:


> Has there been infidelity in the relationship? Was their infidelity in either or your pasts?





Sweeny said:


> None in either of ours that we know of


Would it matter if there was infidelity in either past? Nothing about this is normal behavior for a mature human being even if said human being had been cheated on. This woman is all upset and spewing drama because her BF's friend said that her BF's ex-wife once said years ago that he "gawks" at attractive women. Gawks. Not approaches or tries in any way to interact with.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sweeny said:


> … I fell in love with her and and was hoping things would change.


Uh, no. Just. No. This isn't what "in love" is all about. You weren't hoping "things" would change; you wanted HER to change. But you love her. Again, no. This could be a helluva case of lust and a good time, but it's not love. Not in the mature sense of the word at all.

Once the feel-good "in love" feelings die down, you are going to see what she's really about. I sure hope you don't make the mistake of marrying this woman. She has at one least issue you've brought up. And that issue is downright unattractive. Seriously.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Would it matter if there was infidelity in either past? Nothing about this is normal behavior for a mature human being even if said human being had been cheated on. This woman is all upset and spewing drama because her BF's friend said that her BF's ex-wife once said years ago that he "gawks" at attractive women. Gawks. Not approaches or tries in any way to interact with.


I think it would matter if for example OP had cheated on his wife with his girlfriend or he had a history of cheating in the past. It could cause suspicion on her part. That's why I asked.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lila said:


> I think it would matter if for example OP had cheated on his wife with his girlfriend or he had a history of cheating in the past. It could cause suspicion on her part. That's why I asked.


If a rumor that he hard looked at particularly attractive women is enough to make her suspicious she's paranoid, at best.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > I think it would matter if for example OP had cheated on his wife with his girlfriend or he had a history of cheating in the past. It could cause suspicion on her part. That's why I asked.
> ...


OR, she was already suspicious (possibly due to the reasons I mentioned regarding history) and she was looking to confirm those suspicions. Either way, it doesn't matter since the OP said they do no have a history of infidelity between them.


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

Love how you all tell it like it is. Sometimes I just need to hear what I already knew.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lila said:


> OR, she was already suspicious (possibly due to the reasons I mentioned regarding history) and she was looking to confirm those suspicions. Either way, it doesn't matter since the OP said they do no have a history of infidelity between them.


To keep things in reasonable perspective, if there was infidelity and she had suspicions he was at it again merely looking at women on the street isn't any kind of confirmation of anything other than he's a heterosexual male with a pulse and functioning eyeballs. Approaching and interacting with attractive women he's noticed would be a different story. Merely looking at them? No.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Nucking Futs said:


> Don't try to fix her, you didn't cause the damage so it's not your problem to fix. Secure your bunnies and dump her.


This would really offend me and I'd probably dump her too. But I think you can try to help someone w/ a problem that isn't your fault if you feel like it, but then only if they want help.


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## Sweeny (Nov 2, 2019)

I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Sweeny said:


> I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.


Didn't you have trouble letting your Ex go? There were issues there, were there not? 

Look, 3 things to do or end the relationship...

1) BOTH of you need to learn how to communicate. BOTH. You guys are 36, it is way past time for this to happen individually and as a couple. 

2) Learn to handle your temper, in general. Your "Reaction" is really the problem. 

3) For ex, explaining to her, that me look at women, and it is natural, would be a good starting place. You need to not be defensive and calmly explain how you feel. 

Or get out of this relationship and start a new one...

My GF called me out about looking a women one day, I calmly told her that she needed to worry when I did not look at woman, and I dropped it and did not speak about it again. 

Either, get this stuff figured out, or look forward to a life of drama and misery...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sweeny said:


> I fell in love for the right reasons. *We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother.* She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.


No one is perfect. We all have pros and cons. You need to weigh all of the pros you mentioned (sharing common interests and values, her being a good mother and fit/attractive) against her quirks. 

People rarely change. If her good qualities do not make it worthwhile to put up with the bad, then you need to end this relationship so you can try to find someone with whom you can be completely happy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Only if it has a direct correlation on what is going on at present!*


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

You need to run / end things. It will only get worse. She will never trust you no matter what lie she feeds you. 

Next date/meetup load anything and everything of hers in your truck and when you drop her off leave it all with her. 99+ chance she will never be happy/secure and you'll end up questioning yourself because of it. Don't do that/be a hostage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Someone this insecure and underhanded is NOT long term partner material. I say cut your losses and throw this one back. What an exhausting way to live, someone digging and spying all the time for no valid reason.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It is good for one thing, she is showing her color now and guess what you just don't like that shade of color. It's ok, it really is to leave this stable this horse calls home.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Sweeny said:


> I fell in love for the right reasons. We have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. She is a soccer coach, athletic, and good mother. She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it. I am a 100% faithful person to who I'm with and I was hoping things would change and she would see that. I dont gawk, but i do notice once in a while. I've seen her do the same exact thing.


 @Sweeny. 

My new Beloved Hubby and I are 57yo, and we fell in love for the right reasons too. We also have a lot in common, get along great, have similar goals in life, and have a lot of fun together. His previous marriage (divorce) ended after nearly 30 years--my previous marriage (died) ended after 12 years. We have both "looked at" members of the opposite gender who are attractive. Ours heads don't turn on a swivel--but we look and appreciate the beauty. I also was unfaithful...so if anyone has a reason to "investigate" it would be Beloved Hubby (and I would let him!). But what we do, that is so much more healthy, is that we share. We share passwords, we pass our phones back and forth to each other, we both can access each other's phones, we look on each other's computers, we've seen each other's emails open, and when we see a screen we don't shut it down real quick--we let the other look. Make sense? He does not choose to investigate because I let him in and include him in everything. If he wanted to investigate he's welcome to do so any day, because it would confirm in a "trust but verify" kind of way. 

Here's the difference, I think. For us, there is POTENTIAL REASON to justify the occasional investigation--for you two, there is no such potential reason. For us, we realize that adult humans occasionally see someone well-put-together and appreciate it and it's not an attack on our relationship--for you two, thee is no such realization nor security in the relationship. For us, we trust because we choose to do so and we feel security because our words and actions match--for you two, there is no such trust chosen, and there is no security even if everything is consistent. 

In my opinion that's the difference between healthy and unhealthy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sweeny said:


> She just investigates all the time and it is really draining. I've talked to her about it, but she thinks it's her right to do it.


This doesn't sound like the "right reason" to me. And she's not going to change her stance, is she?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sweeny ...... you need to get to the point where you firmly understand you are her emotional outburst tampon. Work on dumping her instead of trying to figure her out. Your wasting your own good time.


Edit: For what it’s worth I like checking out women too..... all the time. My wife even points some out to me. I point dudes out to her. Humans like attractive people of the opposite sex....perfectly normal.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Asking your long time friend probing questions about your long past relationship is bad enough. Then flinging it at you, maybe even worse. I still say viper. With a partner like that, who needs enemies? You already have one, in her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Trying to dig up dirt on you for no reason = Strike 1
Getting PO'd about LOOKING at another woman = Strike 2
Getting PO'd about things that happened before you met..... Wow. Strike 3

This is a weird woman. Too old to be playing these stupid games. Not quirky.... immature and stupid. There are women out there who do not do this. To go out of your way to find dirt on the one you love....is icky weird.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OP's GF is a self cutter.

She is sabotaging this relationship. 

Let me re-phrase that. Some part of her is sabotaging this relationship. 

She inwardly sounds like a man hater. She resents being put at the mercy of men who are not pure, seem all to be pre-programmed robots, and not saints.

She hates that men are primarily these sexual beings.

She wants to be valued for everything else but her looks, and the fact that she is a female.

She has a pronounced inferiority complex about her looks and her attractiveness. Men are seen as these selfish horn dog creatures at their core.

Maybe she was sexually abused in her youth? A CSA victim. Or, her father and brothers and male relatives (if any) presented themselves as swine worthy. 



King Brian-


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sadly, I think OP may have left the building. But I'm hoping he starts look at his gf with more clarity.


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