# seeking the right tools for a healthy relationship



## seeking resolution

hi, i am new to this site and at a loss at what to do when it comes to my personal life. i am looking for any advice anyone may have that is productive. the reason for joining this forum is to get non biased point of view as to the occurrences within my relationship. 

i am 28 years old, engaged and about to be married in a week from today. i have been with my fiance for nearly two years now and it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. we have had good moments and we do love eachother, but the bad moments are very destructive. its my reactions to the way he speaks to me sometimes that really is not okay. i want to learn how to remain calm in pressure situations.

a short background: i was sexually abused as a child by my stepfather. the abuse started when i was 6 years old and went on for many years. looking back i can only remember snippets and flashes of the abuse taking place. i have blocked out most of my childhood as it was a traumatic experience for a little girl. the actual act of abuse taking place, i can only remember it taking place once. i felt like i was okay at the age of 16, i felt like it is what my life was and i now had the ability to be living my life to the fullest. i had reached the age that i was buying time to get to. one of my early serious relationships with kevin-we dated for 3 and half years. during the relationship he was unfaithful and didnt really seem to care how that affected me. i was deeply hurt as i was invested with love into this realtionship and the only answer for his behaviour towards me was that i was completely unworthy. this awoke a monster within me. i became very aggressive and very victimised in my behaviour. towards the end the truth of my abuse came out to my family. first my brothers, then my sister, then my mom and dad. my siblings were great, supportive and i felt such a relief of getting this all off my chest for the first time. the problems came when i told my mom-who was living with my abuser at the time and my dad. my mom had pretended like she didnt hear anything and continued to live with my abuser for another 3 years after that. my dad's response was "well, at least he put a roof over your head". this is where things went so wrong in my life and i began acting out like a promiscuous **** and drinking heavily and taking drugs. i feel like it wasn't the abuse that destroyed me but more my parents lack of support when i exposed the truth. i could have got my life on track with steady therapy and love and support. i felt abandoned, unloved, unworthy and my value was sexual. this outburst continued for many years off and on. having okay days and bad days. 
i decided to move to london at 24 yrs old to make a new life and try and get some adventure. i was off with a one way ticket and 200 pounds in my back pocket, deluded that i was going to make it work. i was in london for 4 months, severely depressed and nowhere to turn. i was short on rent at the hostel i was living in. i was struggling to get things together. 
i became an escort, a ***** as my fiance says... 

i met my fiance after i had quit the escorting and before getting together with him i had told him the truth about my escorting. we got together and things moved quickly, he told me he loved me the first day and wanted to move in together the second week. i let him move in with me. i was working a very good job at this time. i was a production manager for the film industry and he is a photographer/cameraman. in the two years we have been together he has not paid for rent or tried to earn a steady income for us. the pressure is all on me. he would sit at home day in day out, slipping into depression and just watching movies day in and day out. barely turning his head to say hi when i came home after work. i would call first ask if there is anything we need- he would say no and when i got home there would be no milk for me to have a tea after a long day. two years later- i have no life- no friends left (as they hate the way he treats me) he calls me ***** and every time we get into an argument he says to me: "why dont you go and suck some guys **** for money you *****" i am broken, i know my trauma is from my passed and my reactions to what he says to me is way over the top because of this. i scream, i lunge at him. i feel like i am always calm in the beginning until he pushes my buttons (he knows exactly which ones to push) and i lose it. i then end up ashamed and wondering if this person loves me, how can he say these things to me? why doesnt he care that i have not had the experience of love in my life and all i want is to feel secure in a happy, loving relationship. 

now, we getting married in one week and i am pregnant. not by mistake! call me stupid but it is what it is.....when things are good they are great..... then he gets disgusted in me..... today he said that he doesnt want a child with me. i got so angry and scared at the same time. i got scared that he would turn my child against me with his general level of disgust in me. i turned around and said to him "is that what you want, another child in this world that you have no part in their life". you see he has a daughter of 16 years old, who he never sees and talks to once a year on her birthday. 

i am so scared about what i am walking into. does or can anyone sympathise with what i'm going through. does anyone with a generally normal and healthy outlook on life have any advice for me?


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## romantic_guy

Neither one of you is emotionally healthy. I have two points of advice:
1. Do not get married. Things will only get worse. Separate and work on emotional health.
2. If you are he'll bent on getting married, put it off until you have had premarital counseling. 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you go ahead and get married, it will not turn out well for you.


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## SimplyAmorous

seeking resolution said:


> i am 28 years old, engaged and about to be married in a week from today. i have been with my fiance for nearly two years now and it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. we have had good moments and we do love eachother, *but the bad moments are very destructive*. its my reactions to the way he speaks to me sometimes that really is not okay. i want to learn how to remain calm in pressure situations.


 HE is emotionally abusive to you, learning to remain calm will just make YOU a doormat/weak...while he grows more abusive...it may even turn physical... You do NOT want to raise your child in this atmosphere. 



> a short background: i was sexually abused as a child by my stepfather. the abuse started when i was 6 years old and went on for many years. looking back i can only remember snippets and flashes of the abuse taking place. i have blocked out most of my childhood as it was a traumatic experience for a little girl. the actual act of abuse taking place, i can only remember it taking place once. i felt like i was okay at the age of 16, i felt like it is what my life was and i now had the ability to be living my life to the fullest.


 Every child survivor needs to deal with this, it can mask & effect many areas of your life...

Childhood Sexual Abuse Therapy, Learn about Sexual Abuse Issues




> i was deeply hurt as i was invested with love into this realtionship and the only answer for his behaviour towards me was that i was completely unworthy. this awoke a monster within me. i became very aggressive and very victimised in my behaviour. towards the end the truth of my abuse came out to my family. first my brothers, then my sister, then my mom and dad. my siblings were great, supportive and i felt such a relief of getting this all off my chest for the first time. the problems came when i told my mom-who was living with my abuser at the time and my dad. my mom had pretended like she didnt hear anything and continued to live with my abuser for another 3 years after that.


 this is awful to be met with this reaction from Family members who are there to love & care for you. So wrong... Someone sent this to me to watch one day...(warning... it is pure RAW emotion)...... one woman's words to her Rapist Father...very courageous ... sexgenderbody | There is no "should" 



> my dad's response was "well, at least he put a roof over your head".


 He should have been outraged & got you support at that time...your father did you very wrong here. 



> He should have this is where things went so wrong in my life and i began acting out like a promiscuous **** and drinking heavily and taking drugs. i feel like it wasn't the abuse that destroyed me but more my parents lack of support when i exposed the truth. *i could have got my life on track with steady therapy and love and support*. i felt abandoned, unloved, unworthy and my value was sexual. this outburst continued for many years off and on. having okay days and bad days.


 I am so sorry you have went through this....I can't imagine. How you reacted to this is very normal. 



> i decided to move to london at 24 yrs old to make a new life and try and get some adventure. i was off with a one way ticket and 200 pounds in my back pocket, deluded that i was going to make it work. i was in london for 4 months, severely depressed and nowhere to turn. i was short on rent at the hostel i was living in. i was struggling to get things together.
> i became an escort, a ***** as my fiance says...


 Your fiance should never be speaking to you like this, he is not understanding/ comprehending all you have went through in life, with parents turning their backs on you... it is one thing to feel this lifestyle choice is wrong, but it is another to understand what led you to this place...and want to deliver you from it....because he loves you....to get you help in your life today..here & now... His making comments like that are ugly....abusive. 



> i met my fiance after i had quit the escorting and before getting together with him i had told him the truth about my escorting. we got together and things moved quickly, he told me he loved me the first day and wanted to move in together the second week. i let him move in with me. i was working a very good job at this time. i was a production manager for the film industry and he is a photographer/cameraman. in the two years we have been together he has not paid for rent or tried to earn a steady income for us. the pressure is all on me. he would sit at home day in day out, slipping into depression and just watching movies day in and day out. barely turning his head to say hi when i came home after work. i would call first ask if there is anything we need- he would say no and when i got home there would be no milk for me to have a tea after a long day. two years later- i have no life- no friends left (as they hate the way he treats me) he calls me ***** and every time we get into an argument he says to me: "why dont you go and suck some guys **** for money you *****"


 You fell in way too quick, allowing him to live with you... This LOSER is sponging off of you ...mistreating you, while you PAY for him to stick around, and he is calling you names!! He needs kicked out on the curb....he has no Respect.. He is treating you like dirt.. again... this is not the environment for a child to be raised in. 



> i am broken, i know my trauma is from my passed and my reactions to what he says to me is way over the top because of this. i scream, i lunge at him. i feel like i am always calm in the beginning until he pushes my buttons (he knows exactly which ones to push) and i lose it. i then end up ashamed and wondering if this person loves me, how can he say these things to me? why doesnt he care that i have not had the experience of love in my life and all i want is to feel secure in a happy, loving relationship.


 He likely doesn't love himself , when someone is so broken themselves, they bully & push that on to another..... *a GOOD man who genuinely loves you would NEVER treat you like this*... you would have a whole different experience and his being by your side, holding your hand - would make a world of difference in your life...... 

This relationship is through & through TOXIC... 

Do not marry him. 



> you see he has a daughter of 16 years old, who he never sees and talks to once a year on her birthday.


 This pretty much speaks it all, doesn't it. I am sorry you are in this situation -being pregnant to this man, he is not the Father type. 



> i am so scared about what i am walking into. does or can anyone sympathise with what i'm going through. does anyone with a generally normal and healthy outlook on life have any advice for me?


 You have a good Job...it sounds.. I would seek therapy on your own.... look into child care before your baby is born... Do you have friends who are there to support you through this stressful time?


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

I hate to say it but you both sound like emotional train wrecks.

Please get some professional help if for no other reason that the secure future of the child you are carrying


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