# Guilt ridden



## dg59166 (Sep 26, 2014)

I attended a company/industry party with my wife and her coworkers. At the company party, I met a very attractive woman (not one of my wife’s co-workers, and industry associate) who was sitting at our table, and had pleasant conversation with her. The events at the party allowed me to look at this young, attractive woman all evening, without it appearing to be unusual. I had been drinking at the party, but was in control. A group of us, including my wife, then decided to go out for an after party, The attractive woman came with us to the after party, along with several other women, I was the only man there. I had more to drink and I’ll admit I don’t have full recollection of everything. Apparently I was dancing with the other girls, but I don’t remember all of it. What I do remember is being at the bar and something about the very attractive girl asking me how open was my marriage. I don’t believe anything physical happened, and my wife and her coworkers got me back to our hotel. 
The next morning I apologized to my wife for getting drunk, and she told me she understood. We had told ourselves a party with a hotel room on site, we could indulge a bit. Since the party, my wife has acted to me in a completely normal way, even mentioning to me and my mother in law I was dancing with the other girls. My wife does not appear angry, upset, or jealous in any way. I however, feel tremendous guilt and remorse about what did, or may have happened. I’ve been struggling recently that after 15 years of marriage, and being happy, and not even the first thought of infidelity, I’ve suddenly been finding myself very attracted to younger women. Part of this attraction is that I had an experience earlier this year when I found out a young, attractive woman, was attracted to me, and I’ll admit, that idea really does stroke my ego. But I am…again…I am….happily married. I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my wife. Is she waiting for me to come to her and confess what happened, and if I don’t, will that cause her to rethink the marriage. Bottom line, should I speak with my wife about this, and the struggles of my attractions to younger women. I can say that I don’t feel I could carry on an affair, that would require from me a conscious decision to do that, and I can’t see that happening. But I worry that “just a quick taste” – for lack of a better way to describe it, is a threat and a possibility. I’m hoping the guilt and remorse I feel now will temper those desires. But should my wife know. Thanks.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

dg59166 said:


> I’ll admit I don’t have full recollection of everything. Apparently I was dancing with the other girls, but I don’t remember all of it. What I do remember is being at the bar and something about the very attractive girl asking me how open was my marriage. *I don’t believe anything physical happened,* and my wife and her coworkers got me back to our hotel.


Well, sounds like nothing happened *publicly* or no way would this be the reaction you're getting from your wife.



dg59166 said:


> My wife does not appear angry, upset, or jealous in any way. I however, feel tremendous guilt and remorse about *what did, or may have happened.*


Ok, so why don't you tell us what you think *really* happened and why you feel so much guilt. Did you and the attractive woman "disappear" at any time together, to go to the bathroom, step outside for fresh air, "make a call", etc.? I think there's more to your story than you're telling us. I think you have a vague notion of "something happening" but you were too drunk to remember.



dg59166 said:


> I’ve suddenly been finding myself very attracted to younger women. Bottom line, should I speak with my wife about this, and the struggles of my attractions to younger women..


If ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened, then NO -- you don't tell your wife about your "fantasy" attractions to nubile young women. You double down on your commitment to your relationship and look for ways to spice things up between you.

On the other hand, if something really did happen between you and the other lady (a kiss? she felt you up under the bar? you exchanged numbers?) then YES -- you tell your wife and hope she forgives you. Otherwise, it will eat you up like a cancer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife? 
How long have you been married? 
Do you have any children?

You need to talk to your wife. Just tell her that you think you are going crazy because you are happy in your marriage (you said that you are) but that your mind keeps playing tricks on you. Ask for her help in getting through this time while your head (both of them) are in the wrong place.

Ask her to read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" with you can to work through it with you so that you can get control of these urges you are having.

Remind her, and yourself, that we cannot often control the thoughts that pop into our mind. What we can control are our actions and how we deal with such thoughts.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

if he's being attracted to younger women and he said he SAT B in his marriage it's probably not a matter of his needs are not being met. I agree I'd like to know what he thinks he did. 

and if you'll get that drunk in front of his wife and possibly cross a line then you should never drink. He can't be trusted with her or without her. and that's freaking scary. 

as a wife I really wouldn't want to know this. he needs to get his s*** together avoid situations like this and not drink. 

because using the term a quick taste seems to me to suggest that he thought he could get away with it he might. so this is on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

by the way I hope to god there is no exchange of contact information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, so why don't you tell us what you think *really* happened and why you feel so much guilt. Did you and the attractive woman "disappear" at any time together, to go to the bathroom, step outside for fresh air, "make a call", etc.? I think there's more to your story than you're telling us.


Exactly what I was going to respond with. Something more happened -- or was attempted -- and you know it. Spill it, so we can all deal with the truth to start... (F*** do I ever despise trickle truth in any form!!!!)



happy as a clam said:


> If ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened, then NO -- you don't tell your wife about your "fantasy" attractions to nubile young women.


I actually disagree with this, though. So many times on TAM, in the aftermath of infidelity, we ask "Why couldn't the WS have just come to the BS when they first felt even a twinge of stepping out, and openly, honestly put it on the table in the interest of working it out together, as a step toward solidifying trust and commitment?"... and I think that's exactly what you should do, if nothing actually happened OR even if it did. Obviously with two very different approaches and actions based on whether it did or it didn't.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

It sounds like your biggest problem is you drink too much. If you can't clearly remember what happened, that's a problem.

So you're attracted to a younger woman? So what? I see women all the time I'm attracted to. And if a very attractive woman would ask me "how open my marriage was?" to be honest, that would make me imagine the possibilities and the what ifs.....

But that's where the strong boundaries come into play, and you tell her your marriage is firmly closed and remove yourself from the situation.

But what I'm wondering is why the woman asked you that? I'm thinking you crossed some lines with her at some point to prompt the question. And that's why you're feeling guilty now.

If you didn't drink so much you'd remember what happened.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

59166

There is absolutely nothing wrong having a few too many with your wife as backup.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to young women or them being attracted to you.

There is however an issue if you are seriously contemplating acting on those thoughts and emotions.

Just the fact that you have not communicated these feelings with your wife shows that you know these impulses are wrong.

So if you truly love your wife and cherish your marriage have an honest conversation with your wife.

Before you blow up your life, marriage and family.

I have been in the positions you find yourself in. They are normal.

But I know I would not want my wife behaving like that so I do not behave like that.

Have that talk with her.

HM


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Stay off the hooch. I learned my lesson with drinking to excess. Loosing control and black out from over drinking is by some definition a alcoholic. Drop the bottle. If nothing happened. Bless your lucky stars. As far as attracted to younger women....time to rethink and re-evaluate your boundaries/marriage. Your wife deserves nothing less from you.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Im attracted to younger women, thats why I stay away from situations that may lead to messing around. You cant keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. If everything in your story is accurate, I see nothing to confess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Your post begs the question though...

Since your wife was so understanding about this, what happens when it's just her and her coworkers. My guess is that she's understanding because she has done the same thing you have done. 

Not trying to stir up a conspiracy, but that's the first thought that came to my mind.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

No need to make your wife insecure about your being attracted to younger women. So, don't talk about your attraction to this particular younger woman and your exchange in conversation. Just don't act and stay off the bottle.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I dont understand why you have so much guilt about dancing with other women in the presence of your wife...where nothing happened?

So you were attracted to another woman. It happens. You didnt act on it. Im betting even while you were drunk nothing happened or you would have had an earful from your wife.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't say anything to your wife. Adults are attracted to attractive people. You notice some women are attractive, and for sure your wive notices some men are attractive. Sometimes we even feel a strong urge or desire to pursue an attractive person despite being married.

What you do with those urges is what is important. If you don't pursue, if you don't open possibilities, and if you consciously enforce boundaries around your marriage, then you are doing the right thing.

From this episode I would suggest you examine your marriage and look for ways to make it even better. There are a ton of great books out there. I would approach your wife in a very positive way and tell her that you love her and you have a good marriage, and you'd like to take it up even a notch or two higher.

If you have EAP at work (Employee Assistance Program), you have free access to completely confidential counseling. Usually there is a limit of 3, 5, or maybe more sessions per year. You could go talk to a counselor about this specific incident. It might help to talk to someone in person about it.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Cubby said:


> *It sounds like your biggest problem is you drink too much. * If you can't clearly remember what happened, that's a problem.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Lay off the booze OP. And answer the questions we are all asking... Did you cross a line? Did either of you feel each other up under the bar? Did you smooch in a "private" place -- the bathroom, the cig station, the lobby, outside for fresh air? Did you exchange numbers? Are you planning to meet this woman?

Are you coming back to post on your own thread? "Spidey sense" is way up...


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Really? People are advising him to lay off booze?? OP talks about ONE NIGHT at a hotel party with his wife's colleagues where he had a bit too much to drink and the advise is "stop drinking"? The drinking has nothing to do with it, in my opinion. We have an adult male who found himself attracted to an adult female. THAT is the guilt he's asking for help with.

OP, as others have stated, you're dealing with a normal biological aspect of being human. Nothing happened between you, so there's nothing to worry about. Being attracted to hot people is just life. It happens. Your choice about what to do with those feelings, well that's another issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Really? People are advising him to lay off booze?? OP talks about ONE NIGHT at a hotel party with his wife's colleagues where he had a bit too much to drink and the advise is "stop drinking"? The drinking has nothing to do with it, in my opinion. We have an adult male who found himself attracted to an adult female. THAT is the guilt he's asking for help with.
> 
> OP, as others have stated, you're dealing with a normal biological aspect of being human. Nothing happened between you, so there's nothing to worry about. Being attracted to hot people is just life. It happens. Your choice about what to do with those feelings, well that's another issue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The drunken state allows for actions one would not normally do when sober. So yes, stop drinking like it's going out of style. Learn your limit. Find a boundary. Put the lampshade down.  And guilt for being attracted to a female? People are attracted to other people all day every day. No one feels much guilt over it. If any.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Yes, I totally understand alcohol lowering inhibitions, but this guy talked about one night. He didn't talk about all of the times that...or how they go to bars/parties all the time. That's why I was focusing more on the attraction issue instead of keying in on what quite possibly be a single event of getting drunk at a party.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> Yes, I totally understand alcohol lowering inhibitions, but this guy talked about one night. He didn't talk about all of the times that...or how they go to bars/parties all the time. That's why I was focusing more on the attraction issue instead of keying in on what quite possibly be a single event of getting drunk at a party.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes one night. I was drunk. It just happened. It will never happen again. 
One night of drunken debauchery can ruin an entire lifetime.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

I agree. 

But nothing happened and that's even according to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I too think you guys are going overboard with your lay off the booze advice. Dude got drunk. It happens.

You really expect him to not drink anymore? C'mon. He didnt even do anything.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> I agree.
> 
> But nothing happened and that's even according to his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I don't really understand the guilt because OP is attracted to another female. I find other woman attractive. It's only human.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sinnister said:


> I too think you guys are going overboard with your lay off the booze advice. Dude got drunk. It happens.
> 
> You really expect him to not drink anymore? C'mon. He didnt even do anything.


Drinking socially( a few drinks) is ok in my book. Getting completely obliterated makes little sense to me.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> So I don't really understand the guilt because OP is attracted to another female. I find other woman attractive. It's only human.


That's my point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dg59166 (Sep 26, 2014)

Looks like I need to clarify some things. Yes, I did get drunk. I would consider myself a social drinker, but normally, I understand my limits, (if I was driving, as I normally do to these events, the after party wouldn’t have happened) as I mentioned, my wife and I knew we had a hotel room, and driving wasn’t going to be a problem. We were all having a great time, and I allowed myself to overdo it. I was in the presence of my wife and all six other women, including my wife’s bosses, who have gotten to know and appreciate me. My wife didn’t come out on the dance floor, but she saw me the entire time. At no point did I sneak off with the woman in question, or engage in anything physical. The other women were present, and my guess is the attractive woman would have made a scene about any inappropriate physical contact, and I would definitely remember that. As I said, I don’t quite remember everything. My recollection with the woman was being at the bar, and she asking me how open my marriage was. I really couldn’t tell if she was asking out of desire or contempt for me. I’m not trying to excuse or defend what I did, I knew that my excess that evening was wrong, and it contributed to the guilt and remorse that I am feeling. I had realized before the party that I had allowed the being attracted to younger women become unhealthy, and that I needed to come back to center about this. My guilt is coming from my fear that I might give in to temptation if I don’t get my head and heart back to where they are supposed to be. I realize now that my current emotional state concerning my attraction to other women means I do now have to be conscious at all times about where, and how I act. Fortunately, I don’t attend lots of parties, so I don’t see a repeat of that night anytime soon, and I hope that this experience will serve as a clear warning about keeping myself out of situations that would put me at risk for infidelity.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so what don't you remember? What you said or what you did? 

there's been some research on people who drink to blackout. You say you're mostly a social drinker and usually don't go overboard but the fact that you are having problems with your memory does indicate a concern. alcoholism in your family please be aware that you might be susceptible. just thinking about it going forward..

so you let your attraction to younger women get out of hand? What does that mean? and are you feeding it with porn as well? 

so it really seems that it was more than just this night. You recognize a real weakness inside yourself and you are afraid where it might lead. That's good. Thanks also where is half the battle. Now the rest of the battle will be to control yourself and train your mind. that's going to be challenging because if you go to the beach where you watch TV or go to the movies et cetera et cetera et cetera. 

as a man thinketh.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

We are probably all attracted to certain things but suppress them because we love our spouses. Your wife seems to not mind that you aren't as suppressing as before and it is allowing you to test your boundaries.

If you are guilty, stop now. Get back in control of yourself.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

dg59166 said:


> I’ve suddenly been finding myself very attracted to younger women. Bottom line, should I speak with my wife about this, and the struggles of my attractions to younger women.


Dawg, I'll tell you its a strange anomaly for a middle age man to find younger women attractive. I don't think I've heard of that before. Jokes aside, if you start struggling and think about jeopardizing your relationship with your wife because some sweet young thing flirts you, you're nuts. Get your act together before you F up to a fare thee well and prove youre a bigger fool than you sound like.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> There is absolutely nothing wrong having a few too many with your wife as backup.


This sounds like it was written by an alcoholic.

There's a lot wrong with drinking so much that you can't even recall the events of the evening and can't even control your thoughts and emotions.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't think you should tell. You said you have been unhappy in your 15 yr marriage. Is it really an irresistible attraction to young women or the irresistible need to feel admired and appreciated? 

Appreciating beauty is a normal human condition. Of course, dwelling on the attraction or disrespecting your spouse by making it obvious is not marriage positive. I think you should go to your wife with a confession, but confess your unhappiness. Do you think that if you revitalized you partnership that your irresistible attractions to young women would decrease in intensity?

If you think that your desire for young women will grow no matter what you do, it might be best to consider ending your marriage and pursue young woman. You will avoid humiliating and hurting your wife by having an affair. She sounds like a rare combination of traits - supportive, understanding loving and secure in herself. I'm certain that she will find a man who values and appreciates her for who and what she is.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Here's what you do...Assess your net worth and divide it by two. That should snap you out of any fog intending to invade your mind.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

that calculation has to be multiplied by the person chances of getting caught. 


once you start factoring in that probability then people are much more willing to take a chance. Now he wasn't willing to do it in front of his wife but if he got any kind of contact information from this woman I bet the chances go up that he would do something.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Maybe so...But most cheaters get caught. Regardless, many times the half grows higher when they do. I am trying to discourage this guy by redirecting his focus from the pleasure center to the math center. The two are diametrically opposed except for Math geniuses.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I understand. 

Unfortunately I don't think most get caught. But sure as he'll the ones that do never thought they would... except those in exit affairs... they might think it is possible but don't really care.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like you don't have a lot of experience outside your marriage. If that's the case, you're not used to being influenced by all the things around you. Combine that with being in a marriage that's gone stale, your subconscious is just open to being excited by 'stuff,' yet your guilt system is running roughshod over you. Why is that? Were you over-controlled in your youth? Are you under a religious system that tries to pretend you can control your desires? There's lots more going on here than one party.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Know this is corny...But still try it ...Don't wait on your wife to do it for you, spice up her life instead...

Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina Colada Song) [HQ] + LYRICS - YouTube


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

DG

Talk to your wife. I assume you love your life. 

I assume you love your wife.

Why not open up to your wife and discuss your behavior with her.

Communicate.

No one probably knows you better than her.

I think it would put your mind at ease.

And if not then broach the subject of boundaries. Let her put a few in place that will make you feel better.

HM


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The thing could have been a s*** test, too, you never know.

Maybe OP's wife wanted to see how he acted, while drunk, in the presence of a hot younger woman.

Maybe the woman took it upon herself to test him and report back to his wife (her friend? or just co-worker?)

It's not out of the realm of possibility. When I started dating my ex wife, I got one of these. I answered the phone one day, and a girl on the other end said it was so-and-so from work, and that she was interested in getting together one day for drinks or something. She said she thought I was cute. The whole bit. I told her I had a girlfriend, and I'm flattered, but no thanks, then hung up.

5 seconds later, the phone rings again, and it's my girlfriend, who proceeds to tell me that was her aunt calling before, and that she "approves of me" dating her niece, and we had a good laugh about it. Apparently her aunt took it upon herself to do this in front of my girlfriend, her uncle and her parents and siblings all near by. Glad I passed!

Anyway, maybe that's why your wife is acting normal - you didn't do anything wrong and she knows it.

By the way, older men being attracted to younger women isn't really something to be ashamed of. I'm nearly 40, and younger women are certainly attractive, but I also have my limits as to just how young. Personally, if a woman looks younger than 25, that's a no-go for me. And even that is kind of creepy now that I'm typing it out. I think I'm comfortable with women 30 and up, but that's just me. Personally, I think a 10-15 year age gap (provided they're 18 or up) is okay. Anything more than that, and you're the creepy guy. But the gap expands and contracts depending on the ages involved. 18 and 28? Okay-ish. 50 and 22? Not so much. 60 and 40? Sure! 60 and 28? Probably not.

So maybe OP also has some guilt because he's attracted to MUCH younger women and he's worried that alcohol and the "right" situation will get him in trouble, and that's where the guilt comes from.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

alexm said:


> 50 and 22? Not so much. 60 and 40? Sure! 60 and 28? Probably not.


If you're perhaps talking about the female being the elder,,, no way my man. Ain't no probably to it.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> 5 seconds later, the phone rings again, and it's my girlfriend, who proceeds to tell me that was her aunt calling before, and that she "approves of me" dating her niece, and we had a good laugh about it. Apparently her aunt took it upon herself to do this in front of my girlfriend, her uncle and her parents and siblings all near by. Glad I passed!


AlexM

I hope the "humor" of that situation has not been lost on you all these years later.

Your ExW turned out to be the cheater/liar in your relationship I believe.

HM


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

It shows you have a conscience. Good for you! Not only that, but it's working! 

I'ld mellow out on it a bit, reflex inward, & use the experience to strenghten your marriage. 

You should know your wife better than anyone, if you acted in a poor manner, she'ld be sending signal one way or another. When you are around wife's boss the same. This attractive girl, you'll know right away if anything inappropriate happened. With no's to all above, put all to rest. 

Now being attracted to the younger women. Up to 3 years ago, ((we are estranged now)) whenever hubby and I saw really attractive people, we'll point them out to each other. Men or women. It is ok to like nice looking things in this world, people included. You could even open up to your wife with how attractive you thought this girl was, by asking your wife what she thought of her looks? Depends on how you all could talk about things in the past. There is no need to make this a "confessional" discussion, more of opinion, ideas, feedback from wife, etc... 

~sammy


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

alexm said:


> By the way, older men being attracted to younger women isn't really something to be ashamed of.


You know you're getting old when ... your daughter's friends start looking good!


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I can't remember which book it is now, perhaps "Not Just Friends", where the author describes windows within the marriage, walls around the marriage. This is a good model but it doesn't mean you have to confess every time you find another person attractive.

This seems to be a wakeup call for you to take your marriage to a higher level. You dancing with another good looking woman could be just fine, but in your mind you should be thinking about taking your wife up to the hotel room. If you're instead thinking you'd like to take this woman up to a room rather than your boring wife, there is a problem with your marriage being stale.

The line I see you crossing is that you drank to the point of memory loss. That is too much!

I would approach your wife about wanting to make the marriage even better. Stfu about finding that other woman attractive.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> You know you're getting old when ... your daughter's friends start looking good!


Hmm, i'm 40 and my hb is 59, he was 50 and I was 31 when we met. I am 14 years older than his daughter. He once told me that while he'd dated lots of younger women I was actually the youngest, in terms of the age gap, and he was thinking I was pushing it because then he'd start getting close to his daughter's age and that was creepy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

