# Sep after 22 years and new man dilemma as well



## ccdaws (Apr 29, 2012)

HI everyone I am new here and need some feedback on my situation. I am just going to explain it and appreciate advice, opinions etc I am 42 my soon to be ex is 44.
2 years ago this month my husband and I separated after 22 years of marriage and 7 children. We married young and although I settled right in to my role as a wife and shortly after,a mother he did not. He cheated from the start, was often verbally abusive (no one likes you, you think you know everything, were you molested as a kid because youre messed up?) Is what I would hear. He drank excessively, sometimes was physically abusive etc He had some good traits was a good worker and did mostly sarifice for his family. He would move out for a month at a time and stay at his moms and come home when he had his *break*. (after 22 years and when separated he confessed HE was molested as a child by a neighboorhood older man and he believes this is what *was wrong w him*) I guess I suffered and kept trying through all of it because I believed in marriage and vows, better/worse and did not want to be a quitter. I loved being a mom and wife...after 4 years or so I started cheating as well. Cliche, to feel wanted desired as my hub had depression and not having sex for months would be another challenge of ours. SO fast forward to three years ago. I started seeing a man I k new from childhood. He didnt lead a stable life (always moving,several short term relationships, two children w two women to whom he never married) BUT he was kind to me...respected me and showed me w whole new world of taking me places, out to dinner etc just the *spark*i needed...I beleived this man may change his past for me (STUPID) and maybe this was the new beginning I needed. My husband moved out when he found out of course and he started seeing a co worker shortly after whom I suspect he was with when still living at home) COMPLICATED MUCH?  He lives w her now. As time went on w this new man(hes 45 never been married), I have found texts to other women, innapropriate chats online etc. He will be great a few days a week and then keep to himself for the rest..hes not in to committiment such as marriage etc and says he does not want children ever again. My problem; sometimes I miss the husband but I know he hasnt changed as he still verbally abuses me at times. I found this easier to deal with when I thought the boyfriend was my prince charming..now that ive seen his true colors I miss family life but know I shouldnt go back...my husband keeps telling me to drop him and resume our marriage. Although I miss my husband at times, I do not want to go back to that lind of life. The boyfriend probably isnt the best thing for me either. He likes to go out quite a bit, drink...has never been verbally abusive which is why I liked b eing w him so much..he has taken the children and I on trips etc and I know the kids are alot to deal with when they arent yours so I am grateful to him for that. Mabe I expect too much from the boyfriend...it doesnt feel like a real family and of course it wont...nothing could replace that. Separation will be final within 2 weeks. I filed because its been two years, we say wed like to go back but neither one of us budges to make a big move. My oldest daughter tells me to drop both of them..I guess missing my marriage is anormal part of separation after so long..I know he hasnt changed enough to go back.
This all sounds crazy right lol Please give me some feedback sorry so many details...
thank you


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get rid of both men and work on yourself. Seriously. Don't feel like you NEED a man to be a full human. You need to learn to be on your own and validate yourself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should get some counseling or some serious self-analysis to figure out why you're willing to stay in situations like this. Your daughter is right, but unless you figure out WHY you're in the situation you're in, you'll be right back there in 6 months with the next guy.

C
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## ccdaws (Apr 29, 2012)

I think there is some truth to that-I feel like I need to be in a relationship to feel whole-that a team facing the world is the only way it can be. Yes I have made an appt for counseling this week  Thanks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's good. You can face the world alone AND be ok with it. Once that happens, you'll be ready to form a team.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Take your eldest daughters advice.

It sounds like your jumping from loser to loser.

Stop it
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Honestly you need to ditch both these loosers and upgrade big time to a guy who isn't a cheating louse.
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