# Ladies! Have you ever lost your sexual attraction for...



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A man who is dynamite in bed?

Even if you had other problems, or issues with his temperament (too nice, too jerky, etc) and eventually had to end the relationship, have you ever become sexually uninterested in a man who was a great lover?

For instance, would the much maligned "Mr. Nice Guy", even with some flaws, still be enticing to you if everytime you hit the bedroom he totally, and thoroughly, sexually pleased you?

Or do you lose sexual attraction to even a great lover if his non-sexual flaws are too great?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hm. I married my best lover, so I don't know. I am still attracted to him. When he left and stood up for himself, I was even MORE attractive. He is the EPITOME of what I think a perfect man looks like. ....and....he can lay the pipe right (his words, not mine) :rofl:

The other guys were kinda "eh" in bed and always made fun of my high drive. Not attractive when a guy says, "You always just want sex!"

Uh. Yea. Got a problem with that? dang. Thankfully, my husband does NOT have a problem with that.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

My ex before my husband was totally amazing in bed.... but just because of how emotionally detached from him I was at the end...I preferred to masturbate then to have sex with him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I remember, after my husband's and my first time, I looked at him and said, "I don't know what this is, whatever we're doing...hanging out? dating? Whatever....all I know...is that i want more of that, whatever that was. Omg."

:rofl: He still loves that line.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> A man who is dynamite in bed?
> 
> Even if you had other problems, or issues with his temperament (too nice, too jerky, etc) and eventually had to end the relationship, have you ever become sexually uninterested in a man who was a great lover?
> 
> ...


I thought my exhusband was really good in bed...at first.Then I became repulsed by him as time went on because of everything that was happening between us.He was NOT a nice guy at all,very assertive and very overbearing.never apologized,etc.I lost sexual attraction for him because his attitude was ugly.It made me completely LD.


My SO worried me at first because he is SUCH a sweet,soft spoken,doormat kind of man...unless someone REALLY pushes him then he'll sort of stand up for himself.I thought I was going to get bored with him in the bedroom but WOW I was TOTALLY WRONG!! LOL he's the best I've ever had and I don't think I'll ever get enough of him...and he's still a nice guy pushover but 
I love that part of him and cherish it.He's more naughty and more aggressive in bed now but it's absolutely perfect,he always satisfies me and then some.Being with him has made me a better person,I'm more patient than I used to be.I'm kinder,softer,more laid back,and I want him ALL THE TIME.

Imagine that. And he's a NICE GUY.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Non-Sexual flaws trump great sex, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I thought my exhusband was really good in bed...at first.Then I became repulsed by him as time went on because of everything that was happening between us.He was NOT a nice guy at all,very assertive and very overbearing.never apologized,etc.I lost sexual attraction for him because his attitude was ugly.It made me completely LD.
> 
> 
> My SO worried me at first because he is SUCH a sweet,soft spoken,doormat kind of man...unless someone REALLY pushes him then he'll sort of stand up for himself.I thought I was going to get bored with him in the bedroom but WOW I was TOTALLY WRONG!! LOL he's the best I've ever had and I don't think I'll ever get enough of him...and he's still a nice guy pushover but
> ...


I think a post like this might be too much for folks to handle! Why you rocking the board Scarlet?! You're dangerous....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Non-Sexual flaws trump great sex, IMO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, but I'm asking if non-sexual flaws are enough to cause you to become sexually unattracted to a man?

If he's throwing it down in the bedroom, even if his non-sexual flaws are so bad you have to leave, are those flaws enough for you to no longer desire him sexually, or see him as a sexy being?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yes, but I'm asking if non-sexual flaws are enough to cause you to become sexually unattracted to a man?


yes.if my heart isn't open to him,my vagina won't be either. 

sex starts in the brain.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Yes, but I'm asking if non-sexual flaws are enough to cause you to become sexually unattracted to a man?
> 
> If he's throwing it down in the bedroom, even if his non-sexual flaws are so bad you have to leave, are those flaws enough for you to no longer desire him sexually, or see him as a sexy being?


Absolutely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yes, but I'm asking if non-sexual flaws are enough to cause you to become sexually unattracted to a man?
> 
> If he's throwing it down in the bedroom, even if his non-sexual flaws are so bad you have to leave, are those flaws enough for you to no longer desire him sexually, or see him as a sexy being?


Absolutely. In order for me to feel sexual toward my husband it has to be more than just the physical act.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yep, if a guy isn't happening for me emotionally, for whatever reason, thank goodness he becomes completely undesirable sexually, no matter how competent he is. It just turns.right.off. I think this is my one saving grace that keeps me from being in a lot of trouble for long periods of time.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Yes had a boyfriend was great in bed but turned out to be very passive aggressive, I started to look at him like a bratty child and that was a massive turn off.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think you have your answer Jaquen.. it takes ALOT more than the bedroom to keep the woman wanting to come back.



> *ScarletBegonias said*: My SO worried me at first because he is SUCH a sweet,soft spoken,doormat kind of man...unless someone REALLY pushes him then he'll sort of stand up for himself.I thought I was going to get bored with him in the bedroom but WOW I was TOTALLY WRONG!! LOL *he's the best I've ever had and I don't think I'll ever get enough of him...and he's still a nice guy pushover but I love that part of him and cherish it.
> 
> He's more naughty and more aggressive in bed now but it's absolutely perfect,he always satisfies me and then some.Being with him has made me a better person ,I'm more patient than I used to be.I'm kinder,softer,more laid back,and I want him ALL THE TIME.*
> 
> *Imagine that. And he's a NICE GUY*.


Love this reply









Although I have not been on the other side to compare ..... I resonate with her words very much so..in my own marriage.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Without going into my history all I could say is that out of my limited reportoire of lovers, I did not choose to marry the one who was dynamite in bed, I chose the "nice guy".


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If the non-sexual flaws are things he can't help, possibly not - because he would have had those flaws when I became attracted to him in the first place. However, if he were to start behaving like a jerk or developed unattractive habits, no matter how great he was in bed I'd probably lose attraction to him.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Ano said:


> My ex before my husband was totally amazing in bed.... but just because of how emotionally detached from him I was at the end...I preferred to masturbate then to have sex with him.


Have you ever told your husband that to his face?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by Ano
> My ex before my husband was totally amazing in bed.... but just because of how emotionally detached from him I was at the end...I preferred to masturbate then to have sex with him.





> Zig posted: Have you ever told your husband that to his face?


Why would she tell her husband that her ex was amazing in bed?:scratchhead:


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> Why would she tell her husband that her ex was amazing in bed?:scratchhead:


Shouldn't he have a right to know that he is a second choice because her ex was a jerk and that she chose him because he (apparently) doesn't put her through the emotional wringer and just deals with the fact that he isn't as good in bed?

If my wife told me that she was only with me because I don't treat her like trash but suck in bed then I would leave her.

What if your husband told you that he's with you because you're not a b***h like his ex and just deals with the fact that you're a lot heavier than her?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Zig said:


> Shouldn't he have a right to know that he is a second choice because her ex was a jerk and that she chose him because he (apparently) doesn't put her through the emotional wringer and just deals with the fact that he isn't as good in bed?
> 
> If my wife told me that she was only with me because I don't treat her like trash but suck in bed then I would leave her.
> 
> What if your husband told you that he's with you because you're not a b***h like his ex and just deals with the fact that you're a lot heavier than her?


I guess we're all different, but I wouldn't want to know what my partner's ex was like in bed, and I know he isn't the slightest bit interested in what mine was like. The fact that we're together is all that matters.

Comparisons can be odious...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Zig said:


> Shouldn't he have a right to know that he is a second choice because her ex was a jerk and that she chose him because he (apparently) doesn't put her through the emotional wringer and just deals with the fact that he isn't as good in bed?
> 
> If my wife told me that she was only with me because I don't treat her like trash but suck in bed then I would leave her.
> 
> What if your husband told you that he's with you because you're not a b***h like his ex and just deals with the fact that you're a lot heavier than her?


Did she say that her husband wasn't good in bed? She did say that skill counts for nothing. She grew apart from him on account of the way he treated her. If you're not having sex with someone, you're certainly not amazing in bed. That was past tense. She came to her senses and found something way better, presumably now she is actually having sex, that's way better than nothing. And emotionally attached sex IS the best. Skill counts for NOTHING for those who need emotional attachment. In fact, the more skillful a guy is under those conditions, the more revolting he becomes.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> The fact that we're together is all that matters.


I have to respectfully disagree with you on that. It's kind of like saying that the fact some guy is an overweight, 80 year old millionaire married to a 20 year old impoverished Filipino girl (who he brought over to the US) "doesn't matter." What matters is that "they're together." *External circumstances have a HUGE bearing on the "purity" of a relationship.* In my scenario above, would you say that a couple like I described is "truly in love?"

Some people want to live in ignorance, but I don't.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Did she say that her husband wasn't good in bed? She did say that skill counts for nothing. She grew apart from him on account of the way he treated her. If you're not having sex with someone, you're certainly not amazing in bed. That was past tense. She came to her senses and found something way better, presumably now she is actually having sex, that's way better than nothing. And emotionally attached sex IS the best. Skill counts for NOTHING for those who need emotional attachment. In fact, the more skillful a guy is under those conditions, the more revolting he becomes.


Actually Ano has posted on here about how her husband isn't that good in bed and that she thinks of her "amazing" ex often.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Zig said:


> Some people want to live in ignorance, but I don't.


There's a difference between ignorance and simply not caring how good/bad the sex was between my partner and his ex. How can that possibly enhance my relationship with him?


> It's kind of like saying that the fact some guy is an overweight, 80 year old millionaire married to a 20 year old impoverished Filipino girl (who he brought over to the US) "doesn't matter." What matters is that "they're together." External circumstances have a HUGE bearing on the "purity" of a relationship. In my scenario above, would you say that a couple like I described is "truly in love?"


Sorry, I really don't understand the relevance of the above.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> There's a difference between ignorance and simply not caring how good/bad the sex was between my partner and his ex. How can that possibly enhance my relationship with him?


Because he (or she) should have a right to know WHY their SO is with them. Ano has made it very clear with her posts that she is frustrated with her husband's abilities in bed (search her posts and you'll see what I mean) and that she craved the sex her ex gave her but the emotional distance ruined everything.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Zig said:


> Because he (or she) should have a right to know WHY their SO is with them. Ano has made it very clear with her posts that she is frustrated with her husband's abilities in bed (search her posts and you'll see what I mean) and that she craved the sex her ex gave her but the emotional distance ruined everything.


Ahh... I didn't know that...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Zig said:


> Actually Ano has posted on here about how her husband isn't that good in bed and that she thinks of her "amazing" ex often.


That's sad. There are educational programs on video that couples can do together...if she's knowledgeable and unsatisfied she should take the lead and help her situation.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Sorry, I really don't understand the relevance of the above.


If you found out that your husband married you because his mother was putting pressure on him to be married by a certain age and you happened to be with him at the time was the reason he married you, would you be upset?

If Ano's husband found out that Ano would be with her ex if it weren't for the fact that he was emotionally abusive/distant and that she "tolerates" sex with him (which she has indicated in other posts), how do you think he would feel?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't usually search people's past posts because the point of participating in TAM is to grow as an individual within relationships or context of relationship potential. So what she thought in the past, if not spelled out here, is irrelevant. People are allowed to grow. So I don't look backwards. If you did that, I'd still be defending my ex, and making excuses for him, insisting he is a good guy - now I understand he is a malicious manipulator control freak who raped me. Hence, no looking back at people's historical posts. Even a few weeks can make a huge difference in a relationship, if you must, look back at MY posts.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yes, but I'm asking if non-sexual flaws are enough to cause you to become sexually unattracted to a man?
> 
> If he's throwing it down in the bedroom, even if his non-sexual flaws are so bad you have to leave, are those flaws enough for you to no longer desire him sexually, or see him as a sexy being?


I've left men before even though I was still sexually attracted to them.
Even though I still sexually desired them, I emotionally didn't desire to be with them.
Yes, I was able to separate sex from the equation because I wanted more than sex from them.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't usually search people's past posts because the point of participating in TAM is to grow as an individual within relationships or context of relationship potential. So what she thought in the past, if not spelled out here, is irrelevant. People are allowed to grow. So I don't look backwards. If you did that, I'd still be defending my ex, and making excuses for him, insisting he is a good guy - now I understand he is a malicious manipulator control freak who raped me. Hence, no looking back at people's historical posts. Even a few weeks can make a huge difference in a relationship, if you must, look back at MY posts.


That might be true but I see Ano posting regularly (and recently) in the sex in marriage section about problems with her husband. Her post in this thread made it clear that she still considers her ex to be her best sexual partner.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Zig said:


> Actually Ano has posted on here about how her husband isn't that good in bed and that she thinks of her "amazing" ex often.


Ouch.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Sorry, Zig, but surely that's rather like saying if your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle...


Ano would be with her ex because of the amazing sex but settled for her husband because he treats her better (but is apparently terrible in bed).


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> I've left men before even though I was still sexually attracted to them.
> Even though I still sexually desired them, I emotionally didn't desire to be with them.
> Yes, I was able to separate sex from the equation because I wanted more than sex from them.



This is exactly the kind of detail I've been looking for. Most are saying that they stopped sleeping with said man, but I've not gotten much clarification of whether most of the ladies so far became sexually unattracted to that man.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Yes, but I'm asking if non-sexual flaws are enough to cause you to become sexually unattracted to a man?
> 
> If he's throwing it down in the bedroom, even if his non-sexual flaws are so bad you have to leave, are those flaws enough for you to no longer desire him sexually, or see him as a sexy being?


Absolutely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

jaquen said:


> This is exactly the kind of detail I've been looking for. Most are saying that they stopped sleeping with said man, but I've not gotten much clarification of whether most of the ladies so far became sexually unattracted to that man.


Yes, the attraction is eventually killed if things are otherwise bad. (attitude, hygiene, his level of respect for you, etc) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/s


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

For me sex was always more then JUST sex, it's like giving yourself to other person, opening up. After all the pain my husband caused me in our M I stopped seeing his body, his muscles or any other parts I used to be attracted to - all I could see was this guy who dissappointed me so much. I lost ALL attraction to him.
The difficult part is how do you deal with it? Even when I resented him I couldn't bring myself to tell him something so crashing like " I do not find you sexually attractive"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Zig said:


> Actually Ano has posted on here about how her husband isn't that good in bed and that she thinks of her "amazing" ex often.


This is one of a handful of reasons I held in my head as a young girl .... why I wanted to wait . I am the type that does reminisce the past a decent amount... (I think some do this more so than others... it is good to know yourself)...had I experienced such a thing, I do believe it could have haunted me internally down the road & I'd be comparing my husband, even if I didn't want too, I think these things can't be helped. 

I've never felt I missed out on anything....and my Nice Guy is phenomenal in bed....as far as Making Love, the emotional has always washed over us, it's always been a "High". He's the "slow hand & the easy touch" type...... Romantic, Sensual, affectionate & Devoted....He's always put my Pleasure before his...and his greatest Joy is us reaching those heights together....and I feel the same....then he'd hold me afterwards too.. both caught up in the "afterglow".


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> This is exactly the kind of detail I've been looking for. Most are saying that they stopped sleeping with said man, but I've not gotten much clarification of whether most of the ladies so far became sexually unattracted to that man.


My first was very jealous and controlling, a few times he became physically abusive. Looking back our sexual chemistry was very good, but now the thought of him makes me cringe. I have seen him once years after the break up and nothing there, at all. Another lover was the guy you describe, have I lost attraction, don't know never seen him again, but probably not. He wasn't a jerk, but didn't treat me the way I needed, so the attraction and sex didn't matter, it came secondary. 

My H, he's not dynamite. But I am very attracted to him. And he's everything else that I need. I figure directing your partner to what does it for you bed and getting him to be dynamite can be fun work. The personality stuff is damn near impossible to change.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Absolutely. I lost all desire for my ex as I lost respect for him as a man- though I still found him physically hot. 

Unfortunately the same thing is now happening with my husband. I have to consciously disassociate from all the disappointments I have regarding our relationship to talk myself into _wanting_ to have sex with him, if that makes sense.


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