# Husband Works Away



## iwanttoleave (Aug 5, 2013)

Hello everyone,came across this forum today. i hope you can give me some advice and support on this...

My hubby started this job recently and works away for 6 weeks at a time. He's only home for 1-3 weeks no more, then goes away again. we don't have children. My family lives in another country. I live alone. Im trying to find permanent work but all i get are contracts which lasts a week or two. I have in-laws and my neighbours are great. But i only see them on weekends. The rest of the week drags and thats when i get very lonely and depressed. I do try to keep busy, it does help for a while but then i end up crying myself to sleep at night....

Is there anyone else out there in the same situation?? please i need some advice


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Start applying at "permanent" jobs, not contractual ones.

Join a gym, find a hobby, take classes, join a book club, start volunteering at places. You will go mad if you don't do something with your time.


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## iwanttoleave (Aug 5, 2013)

Jellybeans it's really hard to find permanent work especially now when there are so many being made redundant. I have hobbies..i bake, read, cycle and watch a LOT of movies. And yes i think i will go mad, such an awful feeling. I wanted to get a pet but that's not allowed here  and if have kids that will make things worse i think!?

Mavash i agree but i love my hubby. I have talked to him about how unhappy i am but all he says is that its good money and it really is. i didnt agree with him working away so much, but he didnt listen to me and took the job anyway. He works on contracts and its not permanent. He said i'm an ''anchor'' holding him back if i stop him going......i nearly left him that day. was i wrong?

Thank you both of you


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> That's not a marriage. A marriage needs 15 hours a week somehow, someway of time together as a couple. According to my math there is no way you can reach that if he's gone 6 weeks at a time.
> 
> This isn't sustainable long term.
> 
> Is this is a permanent job situation or something permanent?


Your 15 hours a week...where did that statistic come from????

In today's day and age with jobs scarce in many sectors, you do what you gotta do and you make it work!

To the OP, my fiance works 3 month stints away from home. He's currently in Europe and I just sold my condo to move in with him. And just moved into his house this past week (remember he's not here!!) I have my mom (whose from Canada) staying with me until he returns in September. I knew his job is demanding when I met him and we learned to live with it. Even when he's at home, he's out the door at 9am and back home by midnight, 1am!!

I don't work the summer months but have a lot of hobbies to keep me busy as another poster said - I cook, attend and present wine tastings, a lot of out door activities etc. Get involved in the community and the time will fly until your hubby is back.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

iwanttoleave said:


> Hello everyone,came across this forum today. i hope you can give me some advice and support on this...
> 
> My hubby started this job recently and works away for 6 weeks at a time. He's only home for 1-3 weeks no more, then goes away again. we don't have children. My family lives in another country. I live alone. Im trying to find permanent work but all i get are contracts which lasts a week or two. I have in-laws and my neighbours are great. But i only see them on weekends. The rest of the week drags and thats when i get very lonely and depressed. I do try to keep busy, it does help for a while but then i end up crying myself to sleep at night....
> 
> Is there anyone else out there in the same situation?? please i need some advice


Find a hobby.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, we get married to share our lives with the one we love, unfortunately, life usually doesn't happen the way we plan. My husband is gone a lot. There have been times when he would be gone all week and home on weekends. Times when he was gone for 6 - 8 weeks and home for 2 - 4 weeks. Presently he is gone for 4 - 6 months and home for 1 - 2 months.

I have raised all of our children alone (it feels like anyway), had holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. without him.

Here is how you do it. You build your own life. You work, raise your kids, and live. The best way I have found to forget about my problems is to serve others. Volunteer at the hospital, food bank, soup kitchen, whatever. There are so many people that are in need you don't have to look far. Don't wait around, you will go nuts. 

If you and your husband can Skype, do that as often as possible, talk on the phone, text and email as much as possible. Include him in your life when he comes home. Also, by doing these things you become a more interesting person to him as you will have much more to share with him besides how much you miss him.


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## iwanttoleave (Aug 5, 2013)

Thats not my only problem! What makes things worse when hubby is home, we plan to go somewhere together. But when i'm getting ready to go....he says he doesn't want to go anymore or makes up an excuse like..it's too expensive (the movies) or i want to watch this program on tv (history channel) or I don't want to go anymore (goes to the gym).
I end up having to find someone else to go with or sadly stay at home. so frustrating. 
I dont get it, i dress nice, funny and not boring at all, people walk up to me on the street and say im very pretty... i can't be that bad to be seen with!

He is a little bit reserved and very tight with money. I thought that might be the problem, so i invited him out instead and offered to pay for everything. got turned down flat!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

How did you two meet?
How long did you date before getting married?
How long have you been married?


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## iwanttoleave (Aug 5, 2013)

Hi JustHer, to answer your questions We worked together for the same company. We dated for 1 year and a half before we married. Been married for 4 years. 

I've been the best wife as i can be. Our home is always nice and clean, my cooking is quite good, i never nag him nor ask for anything,i even dress a little ****ty sometimes just for him at home  which he likes very much.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

It sounds like you didn't sign up for a long distance marriage. You actually discouraged it, and he went anyway. Is there an end to this job, or is this your life forever now?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

From everything you have said, it seems to me that your spouse is not really seeing how important it is to spend quality time together, or he just doesn't want to. It's alarming to me that you expressed your desire for him to not accept this job and he just did it anyway regardless of you, especially since you are far from family and friends. I mean, you could get a good hobby or make some new friends to fill time, but that won't do anything to solve the issues you have with your husband. You need to fix that or otherwise you two will grow apart.


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## dadeuslote (Aug 7, 2013)

You will go mad if you don't do something with your time.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Volunteering might be good for you and it can be a great way to network...lots of good jobs aren't advertised.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

that is really pathetic of your husband that when he finally is home and you want to go to a movie, or do something, he turns you down. So he's not around for weeks at a time, and when he's home, he's not around either. You don't have a marriage. you barely even have a roommate situation. I'm not even sure if he's your friend. Friends like to spend time with each other.

I think you need to be blunt with him and ask him if he wants to be married to you because he sure is doing what he can to not spend time with you.


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## iwanttoleave (Aug 5, 2013)

Thank you all for your advice. I think he is abusing me emotionally and psychologically. Yesterday he said he was going to book a holiday in the tropics for a month in december. I'm up for that, but i told him if i start a new job now i may not be able to get leave in december. He just said to make up my mind by next week because he is going with or without me....i don't know wether to laugh or cry. so confused. Stay for Job or go with husband??


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Cora28 said:


> OP - can you go with him on his business trips?
> 
> My H has worked away a lot too and our marriage suffers. We have 2 children so my time is spent looking after them plus I teach part time but I still get lonely. My H says he worries about money so this could be the driving force behind your H wanting to stick with the job. It is very hard on us wives though. Put a copy of His Needs Her Needs in his luggage next time so he can read it when away. It may help him to realise your needs.


Cora how long of period is your H away? Mine is a way a lot but not nearly as much as OP. This have only been for last 8 months so the only effects so far is missing him really bad while he's gone. 

How would you say your marriage have suffer?


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Its from the book His Needs Her Needs. He says the average women needs 15 hours of quality conversation weekly.
> 
> My disclaimer is everyone is different. Some women are happy with less because they have a ton of friends and family or careers to keep them company.
> 
> Over the course of my marriage we've had years where we didn't do this because we were both working so much. It did take its toll on our marriage and I'm grateful we no longer do that.


Well lately I've been getting on average 3-5 hours of conversation a week with my fiance, he's overseas good thing for Skype!! When he's home, I see him for maybe 1 hour in the morning, i'm in bed by the time he gets home and on weekends we are inseparable unless i have performances. 

I guess we are kinda doomed workaholics. I have to start thinking retirement I guess.


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## Bluebell13 (Jun 30, 2013)

It is very hard on all concerned in this situation.

I have been with my husband for 22 years, married 19, and he has worked away all of the time. In the beginning it was 10 days away 2 home, 3 weeks home 3 away and now it it constantly 1 month home 1 away.
We have 2 daughters 15 and 10 which I have brought up really as a single parent.

In the beginning I was working so the time we spent together was good, inseperable. When we decided to have kids it was aggreed that I would be a stay at home mum. Unfortunately as time has gone on H has become like another child. He says that he feels like a stranger when he comes back and doesnt fit in. I have tried everything to make that happen but he just keeps distancing himself. I have been reading up about passive aggressive behaviour and he is definately showing this and it is not recent either. I just thought he was laid back but it has gotten worse as time has gone on. The advice of making a life for yourself is good. I try but it is hard as we moved away from friends/family and slowly making new friends. I volunteer at school, do what I can but if it happens when he is home he says "what about me" "what will I do". He has become very dependant and looks to me for ALL answers. He has backed off from the girls emotionally and they feel they dont have a dad. 
Recently he made plans to take our youngest to the movies (took a long time to get time to do this) but his friend says that he was coming to watch the game on TV. When I mentioned about H plans with D , H just sat said nothing and smirked!!!
I dont know if this is a PA problem or a working away problem but I am so hurt he will not stick up for his family and say something, anything. He is not trained in anything else so changing jobs is impossible. We speak everyday but again if I try to talk about kids,etc H stays silent and when I ask his reply is "what do you want me to say" or likewise.
Things are bad just now and if I try to talk to him, he gets angry and flips the blame on me. My self esteem is very low and the kids are saying that they would rather we divorced than stay married for them.
Im still trying to decide how to approach he to start talking and possibly suggest ready books to help or counselling. I have mentioned to him that I think he might need to see the doctor as he keeps yawning but havent dared mention I think he is depressed.
Good luck to all as it is a very hard life to live this way and eventually something has to give.


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## iwanttoleave (Aug 5, 2013)

Hi everyone, no woman should have to go through this crap. I put up with it because i thought maybe H would change...waiting and hoping. Im always third on his list after money and his furniture, which makes me wonder if he really loves me. speaking of money, my husband never, ever gives me money. he makes loads. he gave me £10 once and told me to give it back 5 minutes later :scratchhead:....it was in PUBLIC!! I don't know if maybe he wanted me to beg for it back, but i didn't.

I managed to find work and it starts in two weeks. contract though. Still trying to find a permanent one so i can leave this hell marriage and start a new life!


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