# Need serious help re: my extreme anger



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I feel like a crazy person. I know the analogy of the roller coaster and I am certainly on it... But, how do you funnel your rage and anger? I have been acting crazy like throwing things at him and screaming and generally acting like a nutjob. Obviously I am crossing over into an abusive pattern but I don't know how to stop???

I am in IC but I have so much rage to get out between visits. I literally will be calm, thinking "oh it's not that big a deal, we can get through this" and then something sets me off and I flip out. The thing that flips me out the most is his lack of true remorse and just how he is continuing to downplay this whole thing. I printed out a bunch of stuff to give him (that you guys posted for me on another thread) but so far it doesn't seem that he truly "gets it". 

His story is that sex with me was/is good and he didn't go after a sexual connection with someone else. However, I was emotionally distant (being that I am gone 15 hours per day) and that he sought out someone to complain to, get appreciation from etc. However, it did lead to sexy pics being exchanged and who knows what type of talk?

So, his stance is that since it wasn't physical that it is not that big of a deal. He says the sneakiness and lies etc were inappropriate and that he is sorry but he can't understand my crazy reaction.

He will be sitting there defensive and downplaying and blame shifting and I just feel the anger bubble out of me and then I start launching whatever items are near me. I have thrown drinks, remotes, baskets, whatever is within reach. This is NOT me. I am generally a very cool, calm and collected person and if anything have been accused of being too cold at times. But, suddenly this outflowing of emotions is there and I don't know what to do with them. What do you do? Or am I the only one getting violent? Do I need a punching bag to kick and hit? Or what? Any ideas or help???? Do I need medication? To be committed? Please help...


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> I feel like a crazy person. I know the analogy of the roller coaster and I am certainly on it... But, how do you funnel your rage and anger? I have been acting crazy like throwing things at him and screaming and generally acting like a nutjob. Obviously I am crossing over into an abusive pattern but I don't know how to stop???
> 
> I am in IC but I have so much rage to get out between visits. I literally will be calm, thinking "oh it's not that big a deal, we can get through this" and then something sets me off and I flip out. The thing that flips me out the most is his lack of true remorse and just how he is continuing to downplay this whole thing. I printed out a bunch of stuff to give him (that you guys posted for me on another thread) but so far it doesn't seem that he truly "gets it".
> 
> ...


I know what you are going through. My H is still downplaying also, and may be starting to "get it" 3 and 1/2 months later. He, too, says it wasn't "in real life" so it equals not cheating. Although it would be cheating if I did it!

You are not crazy. You are being gaslighted, and that makes you *appear *crazy....then he gets to sit back and say, "Look how out of control you are!" STOP TAKING THE BAIT

I know it seems impossible, but you can do it. He is playing you so he can feel justified in his behavior. The "sexting" he was/is involved in, is in no way your fault. He is blame-shifting big time, and probably acting superior while he's doing it...... stop letting that trip you up. As long as you are acting "crazy" he is getting away with the murder of your marital vow of fidelity.

Take a deep breath and realize you are in the right. There is no need for angry outbursts. You have loyalty and devotion on your side----and he is grasping at anything that he can blame this on...including your meltdowns.

I went to the doctor for meds and they did not help. I tapered off them and can now see very clearly what is going on. He is editing your reality. The anger comes from the fact that he KNOWS what he is doing, and he's not telling. He is leaving you in the cold, emotionally. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

What evidence do you have? How long have you been married?


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

And how do you know it wasn't physical? Because he said so?


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> And how do you know it wasn't physical? Because he said so?


I'll never know for sure of course. But based on the evidence, the very short time period that he knew her and a conversation with OW...I don't believe it did get physical. I honestly believed that it didn't in my gut at the moment of D-day.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You are suffering the psychological and emotional effects of betrayal.

Your anger is perfectly normal. You just have to be really careful what you do with it. As a guy I got one big and one small punch bag. They helped me tremendously but even then I was really angry for about 6 months.

Research the psychological and emotional affects/effects of betrayal. It’s really good to know what is ahead of you.

Some links for you that helped me:
Emotions 101: understanding betrayal - Denver Christian Perspectives | Examiner.com
Psychological Effects of Betrayal | eHow.com
Thank you Betrayal
The Effects of Betrayal



If you think it will help, give your H the following link Infidelity - How to Heal Feelings of Betrayal.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> I know what you are going through. My H is still downplaying also, and may be starting to "get it" 3 and 1/2 months later. He, too, says it wasn't "in real life" so it equals not cheating. Although it would be cheating if I did it!
> 
> You are not crazy. You are being gaslighted, and that makes you *appear *crazy....then he gets to sit back and say, "Look how out of control you are!" STOP TAKING THE BAIT
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for understanding. We've been together for about 16 years total. The evidence was pics I found in emails and then his partial confession. I also talked to OW, notified her partner and confiscated the other phone he was using. Plus I am very good with snooping/technology. I have the last 2 years of text history, calls etc and everything else checks out. I just want him to OWN what he did and be SORRY and then maybe we can move forward. Your assessment was 100% spot on about him acting superior while blame-shifting. Thank you for making me feel better. I hope that's enough to diffuse my rages though! lol.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> I feel like a crazy person. I know the analogy of the roller coaster
> 
> He will be sitting there defensive and downplaying and blame shifting and I just feel the anger bubble out of me and then I start launching whatever items are near me. I have thrown drinks, remotes, baskets, whatever is within reach.
> 
> ...


This all sounds very normal. 

I am handling by filing for divorce when I meet with the attorney this week. 

I decided to file, when I found out my husband is keeping a dossier of all the so called "crazy" things I have done, like slapping him in the face, when he falsely accused me of having an affair, throwing things at him, even though I miss on purpose, and calling the other woman several times and hanging up. I left no message. She saw my number which I did not hide and she complained to him. 

I asked the attorney if any of these crazy things would hurt my settlement. Well, she just laughed and said "no, you are just acting normal for a betrayed spouse and calmer than many others"


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You aren't going crazy. It's all part of being a betrayed spouse. Unfortunately it seems the longer you and the spouse were together, the more rage and anger over a betrayal.

I found the only way I could control my anger was to remove myself from the setting. Each time I felt anger surging, I took a walk, went for a horseback ride, and sometimes even went and sat in the pasture for a bit. I also found being in a dark room with several lit candles calmed the anger surge. I even found meditation to be helpful. Whatever you do, you need to find a way to shut down the anger BEFORE it gets to the throwing things point. The goal is to control your anger instead of the anger controlling you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Stop it. I mean it. Stop it. D-day for me was Nov. 29th 2011. I started drinking heavily. For me it was worse because in October I moved into an apartment during the week due to a promotion and only (still do) come home on the weekends till we find another house or place to live. So I am not home during the week. I would be drunk by the time i came home on Fridays and would scream and yell at my wife. It was over the top. My boys (in their 20's) who were on my side turned against me. My anger got the better of me. I stopped over a month ago but I became the problem. I became the bad guy. I lost the moral high ground. My wife was going to file for D because I became abusive. 

Things are on the mend for me and we continue R but I almost ruined everything and I own it.

Yes anger is normal. I told my wife and still tell her that I have a right to be angry but not out of control anger.

I like you was never like this. I was a mellow guy. My wife said that she has turned me into a bitter angry man. Bitterness and anger are two deadly poisons that will destroy your soul. No matter what your H did you can't let anger and bitterness destroy you and get control over your life. No matter how you justify it.

Yes you want him to own it. Hel* I want my wife to tell me things that she now says she does not remember. Yes, I still get very pis*ed. He may never own it. What will you do? Start throwing chain saws at him? You can't control him. You can only control yourself. Can you move forward if he does not give you everything you want? IF he doesnot then what?

No matter what he does or doesnot do, say or whatever does not give you permission to let your anger go the way it has.

I have been there. I know what you are feeling. Stop it. I did. And you can do it. Then step back, think through what you want from him. Talk to him about it. If you don't get what you want then move on or let it go. 

No matter what, it sucks where you are at and like I said I know what you are going through.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> Thank you so much for understanding. We've been together for about 16 years total. The evidence was pics I found in emails and then his partial confession. I also talked to OW, notified her partner and confiscated the other phone he was using. Plus I am very good with snooping/technology. I have the last 2 years of text history, calls etc and everything else checks out. I just want him to OWN what he did and be SORRY and then maybe we can move forward. Your assessment was 100% spot on about him acting superior while blame-shifting. Thank you for making me feel better. I hope that's enough to diffuse my rages though! lol.


So sorry this is happening to you. What do you mean "the other phone" he was using? Do you mean to say he had a burner phone that he was hiding from you?

The other point I would like to respectfully point out to you is that.....you can't make him feel remorse or come clean. The words you wrote in all caps were OWN (it) and SORRY. It seems you are needing that from him before you can allow yourself to let go of the anger. Don't go down this road. Its a dark and lonely place to travel. You can be disappointed in him for not owning up and being remorseful, but you can't need those things to be OK, or you may never be OK !

Its not really about the affair being physical or not, is it? (and BTW, seeking out someone to complain to, get appreciation from etc. is the definition of an emotional affair)....it is about the disrespect of you, your marriage and ultimately, himself.

Just get a hold of that anger. You've got to. It will be what he uses to check out. It will be what he highlights to prove his points. And it could land you in hot water legally, which would really be a shame. Plus it feeds his overblown ego. "She's losing her mind because I am so important and special, she doesn't want to go on without me" is probably what he hears/thinks when you lose your temper.

Don't give him that ammunition.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> What will you do? Start throwing chain saws at him?


:lol:
Thank you I needed that visual to make me smile! 
But seriously your advice is good. I appreciate how many people are honest abnout feeling the same way and taking the time to post it.

I really appreciate all of you sharing your advice and experiences!


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

He had a work phone that he used exclusively to talk to her. He knew I could never access the bills or anything...

I have it now. And he can use his regular phone for all work things from now on. lol. And you have a good point. I don't like him seeing me like this for all the reasons you said. Plus, it does kill whatever is left. Thanks for your insight.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think it really is the time to get “real” with emotions.

But that can be an exceptionally hard thing to do!

With betrayal we can end up feeling repulsed by the person who betrayed us. We can actually despise them for it.

So it seems one minute we were in love and doing loving things for them, bringing them closer to us. And the next minute we’re angry at and repulsed by them such that we push them as far away as we can.


It is truly mixed emotions and they are extreme emotions of love and hate. All for the same person!

I do not like admitting I’m repulsed by and despise the woman I loved for over forty years. Yet that is the truth of it. And yet again I really wouldn’t like her to know how I feel even though we’re separated.

Sometimes it really is a crazy world.


But read about betrayal. As unbelievable as it is, the emotions are all perfectly natural.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> He had a work phone that he used exclusively to talk to her. He knew I could never access the bills or anything...
> 
> I have it now. And he can use his regular phone for all work things from now on. lol. And you have a good point. I don't like him seeing me like this for all the reasons you said. Plus, it does kill whatever is left. Thanks for your insight.


Using a work phone for infidelity? That's bad. How did you confiscate it if it is his work phone? I'd like to hear how he explained that one, lols. Did he them them he lost it? Got robbed?

Maybe he told them his wife kept it after she found out he was using it to send/rec. racy pix of women who were not his wife. Good Lord. Lots of companies would see this as grounds for termination.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Do you still have the phone? Lots of guys on here know how to get the texts out. You sound pretty tech savvy and may be able to do it. What kind is it?

Wouldn't it be interesting to see what he was *really *up to with it?


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm not sure how he explained it. LOL. 

I know he told his boss about it because she was the one who explained to him that she went through a similar situation and how much it hurt her. He can't hear and accept it when I tell him but anyone else can tell him the same thing and the lightbulb goes off? That is typical for him... 

Anyway I'm not sure if she covered for him to the corporate office or what? I don't care he's not getting that phone back until they demand it. Then, I will ship it directly to them if they want. haha. And I agree he took a big risk using that phone to contact her. I guess that shows he was more scared of me than he was of getting fired lol.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> Do you still have the phone? Lots of guys on here know how to get the texts out. You sound pretty tech savvy and may be able to do it. What kind is it?
> 
> Wouldn't it be interesting to see what he was *really *up to with it?


Yes I have it. It is a Samsung Rugby. Nothing was saved to the SIM only to the phone and it was all erased. I was unable to retrieve anything from it and believe me I tried. The internet connection on it is blocked so only texting and calls can be made on it. The pics were sent through his personal email not the phone that is how I intercepted it and caught him. Although he tried to immediately erase them, I got "lucky". Otherwise I wonder if I ever would have caught him? Well, if you still think there is a way to find stuff on the phone let me know. I would LOVE to have the whole story...


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> Yes I have it. It is a Samsung Rugby. Nothing was saved to the SIM only to the phone and it was all erased. I was unable to retrieve anything from it and believe me I tried. The internet connection on it is blocked so only texting and calls can be made on it. The pics were sent through his personal email not the phone that is how I intercepted it and caught him. Although he tried to immediately erase them, I got "lucky". Otherwise I wonder if I ever would have caught him? Well, if you still think there is a way to find stuff on the phone let me know. I would LOVE to have the whole story...


I had to find out my H was up to no good by undeleting data he thought was gone forever. I went through lots of half-overwritten spaghetti code to find the first erased cookie and then it was BAM, off to the races. I found lots more "deleted" stuff and we had it out. Then.....wait for it................he *destroyed *the hard drive. So no more going back for me.

But you have the actual phone. Maybe everything on that device was non-incriminating, because it was a work phone. But there is something going on with your H. I just have a feeling you don't know the whole story. 

Anyway, you say he was going to "erase" the pix you found? Is that because you have access to his email? or do you share a PC at home? Were the pix of him? or her?


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Crazytown said:


> I feel like a crazy person. I know the analogy of the roller coaster and I am certainly on it... But, how do you funnel your rage and anger? I have been acting crazy like throwing things at him and screaming and generally acting like a nutjob. Obviously I am crossing over into an abusive pattern but I don't know how to stop???
> 
> I am in IC but I have so much rage to get out between visits. I literally will be calm, thinking "oh it's not that big a deal, we can get through this" and then something sets me off and I flip out. The thing that flips me out the most is his lack of true remorse and just how he is continuing to downplay this whole thing. I printed out a bunch of stuff to give him (that you guys posted for me on another thread) but so far it doesn't seem that he truly "gets it".
> 
> ...


I totally understand your anger. I think it in all cases we have a common denominator: unremorseful spouse. In my case it is my ex H. After I discovered his affair and exposed it to friends and family he went to file for divorce and he is still with the OW skunk 6 years his senior, 13 years older than me. Never got a conversation why he did that, never got any appology let alone a sincecere one. And I still have to see his face on Skype when he tries to talk to his son. Our child was not even 2 when our divorce was final.

My anger especially comes strong when I am trying to battle on my own with a 3 year old autistic child, work full time, try to manage a household. I am so exhausted it's beyond belief. And all he acts now is as if nothing happened even though he is still with the skunk. He sees his child in person maybe one or two weekends a month for maybe a day and a half at the most. It just angers me how he disposed of us as if we were some old furniture you toss at the garage sale.

And I try really hard to take it out on my child. I am crying as I am typing this post. Some days I wish he was back but I think that old person no longer exists and when i read all these stories about false R I question seriously if I want him back.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> But you have the actual phone. Maybe everything on that device was non-incriminating, because it was a work phone. But there is something going on with your H. I just have a feeling you don't know the whole story.
> 
> Anyway, you say he was going to "erase" the pix you found? Is that because you have access to his email? or do you share a PC at home? Were the pix of him? or her?


I would love to recover the erased data from the phone believe me! But, if not I do feel that I know enough. I don't think there is anything else hidden after talking (interrogating lol) him and OW.
I caught the email because after I got my gut feeling I added his email to my iphone. I must have checked his email at the same moment he did because I was still able to get the pic. I quick saved it and forwarded it to my own email all while battling the "I'm going to throw up NOW feeling". Then, I looked back and and it was already deleted from the inbox and deleted from his trash folder too! After D-day (I sat on that info for a few days and tried to get more evidence) he admitted that he looked at the pics and immediately deleted them. Seriously I caught that by total chance. Another minute and I never would have seen it. The pic was not even nude but it was of a girl trying to be sexy. The pics were all her, none of him...


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> And I try really hard to take it out on my child. I am crying as I am typing this post. Some days I wish he was back but I think that old person no longer exists and when i read all these stories about false R I question seriously if I want him back.


I'm sorry. My heart hurts for you...


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

You've obviously been seriously wronged. However, that does not give you an excuse or reason to be violent. Sorry, it just doesn't. If this were a man posting here about throwing things at his wife, he'd get roasted, and rightly so.

You can go to JAIL over this. Any time....ANY TIME a confrontation appears it will turn violent, IT IS TIME TO WALK AWAY!!! Compose yourself. Take a break. A long break. It is not worth being arrested for domestic violence over. That will get you "branded" for life, no matter the justification.

Listen, you have EVERY RIGHT to be very angry. And maybe what he deserves is a good azz kicking. But it is simply and quite clearly not worth it. 

Think about yourself sitting in a county lock up overnight waiting to be arraigned on domestic violence charges. The reality of that should get you thinking straight. If you can't deal with this without the violence, it is simply time to move on from this. He put you in this position of extreme, justifiable anger. But you CAN'T do that to yourself, and at the end of the day, it just really is not okay.


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