# What exactly is married life like?



## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

I am not yet married, but have been considering marriage in about a year or so. I guess I just want to know what exactly it is like, whether it is personal stories or just general things about it. I know that probably 90% of people on here have been married at some point in their lives, and it would be very nice to hear accounts from those who are a bit wiser than I am and have been there.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That is such a loaded question.

Marriage is what you make it. So many options, depending on how emotionally and mentally healthy the partners are.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

That's almost as broad as asking us to define the meaning of the universe in 5 words or less. 

There are a lot of us on here, and we've invested hours in descriptions ... some of us make every single post a novella . Some of us are happy, and some not. Some give a lot of personal accounts, and some ask questions aimed at helping others.

Some of the ones that I know are happy that I think you may enjoy reading if you have some time are: SimplyAmorous; ThreeTimesALady (In case you have any worries that sex must slow down when you get older); Me (but look outside the "The Social Spot" forum where I'm just clowning around.), **Dean**, Romantic_Guy. Enchantment is always encouraging, but sometimes will post stores about herself. Look at my friends list as they tend to be people who post honestly about their lives ... well, LadyFrogFlyAway posts those too, but she's probably the biggest clown on the board, too. 

How seriously are you looking at getting married? I hope you have the guy's consent, too. . Really, happy reading, and feel free to ask questions. I think maybe this one is a bit too broad for me to post specifics to tonight, though. .


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

LOLOLOLOL -- I just have to say, asking me to describe my entire life in a forum post is a tall order. What is it, exactly, that you'd like to know? In the end, how will it help you? My marriage is not yours. My marriage is the sum of what Carol and I have invested in it. Yours will be what you and your husband invest in it. Here's some cheap advice... invest wisely and often.

My marriage is... uh... unusual. Then again, even the most normal of marriages are pretty unusual LOL.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It`s a lot like being single without the parties...& drugs & variety of women & more kids around more often.

I do less laundry now though.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> It`s a lot like being single without the parties...& drugs & variety of women & more kids around more often.
> 
> I do less laundry now though.


Now that's funny right there! And very true.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If your marriage is working, it will be great and your life will feel smooth and balanced. If your marriage is not working, you're going to feel stress from it and maybe some exhaustion. If your marriage is completely dysfunctional, you'll be unsure what's what on most days. In general, though, if you're considering marriage (with a willing and committed partner, not someone reluctant), you should read some books about relationships. "His Needs Her Needs" & "The Five Love Languages" get mentioned here a lot. I also recommend "52 Fights" (forgot the author, it's a memoir about newlywed life + learning how to compromise).

No two marriages are going to be alike. What you (both) put in is going to determine what you get out of it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It would take pages and pages to describe but I can tell what it isn't like in one sentence

It's not like seeing someone in high school


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It's basically what you make of it. It's putting your trust and your heart into someone elses and having them do the exact same thing for you. In it, you'll vacilate bewteen being the counselor and the advisor to the counselee and the advised. And when the kids come along, then you'll find yourself donning many more hats than just being simply "Mom" or "Dad." By no stretch of the imagination is it for the weak or the faint of heart.

But the potential for spirititual fulfillment and loving growth through a good working marriage is incomparable to anything you'll ever hope to find. But conversely, in the absence of the above, it can be emblematic of sheer hell and torment.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It depends if you marry someone that is compatible with you. One thing is to make sure you get to know them very well before marrying. 

Make sure there are no hot tempers, unfaithfulness, control issues, ect...

When you find the right one, it's blissfully wonderful. Well, in my case it is. My hubs and I have been married 12 years and we are more in love now then ever. We both work very hard to meet each others needs and make sure one another is happy. We don't have expectations of each other either. We both work hard to maintain our happy life. We support our goals and dreams. We both are sexually attracted to each other and fulfill each other in that way.

We communicate beautifully and compromise whenever there's a disagreement.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. I married the wrong man the first time and it was hell. I got myself out of that situation 17-18 years ago and learned from my lesson.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

My husband and I have been together over 10 years. We have matured along the way, grown as individuals and as a couple. People talk about communication a lot. And you know what, it's really true. As long as you're talking, you have the best chance to fix any problems that are going on. I have had issues even recently, and all I had to do was sit down with my husband, and talk. Lucky for me, he really listens. That's the other part. Listen to your partner. Give and take. It won't work if the balance isn't there.

If you've had a live in, long term partner, marriage doesn't change the dynamic. It's a commitment to each other before family and friends and to each other that you will devote yourself, through good times and bad, to the other person.

Marriage doesn't always work. Divorce rate is high. Abuse, infidelity, money, marrying for the wrong reasons. And sometimes it does. The best way to go into a marriage, is to make sure you know your partner. The ups and downs. Do you have the same values about parenting, money. What does marriage mean to the other person? Don't go in with blinkers on.

Marriage is the most wildest, funniest, sometimes heartbreaking ride you can go on. As someone once said to me 'Marriage is a commitment. But then so in insanity.' If you can laugh, have fun and enjoy things with your partner, you're on the right track. And remember, the grass is usually not greener on the other side. Don't lose sight of what you have in front of you. And if things ever go bad, really bad, remember that you don't have to stay. Marriage is a choice not a prison. Go in with your eyes open and for the right reasons.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am not yet married, but have been considering marriage in about a year or so. I guess I just want to know what exactly it is like, whether it is personal stories or just general things about it. I know that probably 90% of people on here have been married at some point in their lives, and it would be very nice to hear accounts from those who are a bit wiser than I am and have been there.


I know the feeling of wanting an answer about what something is like, but the answer is so broad that nobody knows where to start. I have an idea; you give us your description of "single" life, and perhaps we can compare to that. Do you get to do whatever you want, is it lonesome, is it happy, etc.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Like many others here... I'd say married life is what you put into it.

However... I will tell you- Here are some words of advice I would give myself, If I could go back in time & have a sit down heart to heart with myself before I started looking for my hubs:

Make sure you know there WILL be disagreements/ fights/ rough times in the marriage. Talk before hand about how you two will "fairly" discuss them.
If you (and the man you meet) are not willing to bend & compromise about certain issues, then make sure those issues are addressed BEFORE any engagement.

Keep a list of qualities that you think are extremely important to YOU... that would make your old rocking-chair age years be worth it with this one person! (Ie, humor, whit, responsibility, willingness to be open & willing to discuss things, how do they handle anger, jealousy, friends.... etc)

There are things I wish I would have known would be important to me, way back 25 years ago. IE: smoking. Now, if I could go back... I wouldn't even date a smoker, much less marry. The addictions... If I knew about them before, well, I buried my head in the sand & didn't think they would become such an issue in long term marriage. It has. Disciplining children... how many children, if any do you both want.. etc, etc, etc, etc...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Been with my wife 20 years married 12. My wife is my best and probably my only real friend. After 20 years, we have issues like many people here on TAM. Sometimes "issues" can get in the way and overshadow the good parts. It takes a lot of work. You can't just walk away when things get bad, like we do if we are single, especially when children come along and the dog, the new car, the house, that new leather sofa and the tempur pedic mattress, along with a pile of debt...oh my

When we marry for life... until death do us part, for better or for worse, even in sickness....When we gain weight, when we get out of shape, get lazy, become a slob... Once people get married (not all) there is no longer a need to impress each other. That is when problems begin and when the work starts.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

southbound said:


> I know the feeling of wanting an answer about what something is like, but the answer is so broad that nobody knows where to start. I have an idea; you give us your description of "single" life, and perhaps we can compare to that. Do you get to do whatever you want, is it lonesome, is it happy, etc.


Well, I don't exactly do whatever I want. I am taking 18 credits at the college right now on monday-thurs. so the time in class (about 16 hours a week) plus homework pretty much takes up the beginning of the week. I usually spend tuesday and wednesday evenings with my boyfriend. Then, on friday-saturday, I work 8-10 hours each day. I also spend time with him on weekends after work. Besides that, I don't do much else except go for runs, school takes up most of my time. I am usually pretty happy, but get lonely when home quite a bit. I'm not exactly sure what else to write here, thats basically my life.

Also, thank you to everyone elses answers as well. I realize that its hard to describe, I just meant like, what kinds of problems occur? Isthere a certain amount of years that have gone by when a marriage typically gets rocky? During the first year, how well did your marriage go? Just things like that. Again, thank you for the answers!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> Once people get married (not all) there is no longer a need to impress each other. That is when problems begin and when the work starts.


Amen brother.:iagree:


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Emotionally, you don't need to get married to spend the rest of your life with someone... if can you truly dedicate your hearts to each other for the rest of your lives then it's the same effect as being married.

Broken down, Marriage is 2 things: 

1) A financial merger recognized by law between two people which enables them to reap financial benefits in many areas such as taxes and heath care benefits, etc.

2) A stated and written proclamation to both each other and to God promising to work together and _*exclusively*_ with each other for the rest of their lives.

Marriage raises the bar for you to keep yourself in check for the rest of your life. The consequences of you being unfaithful to your spouse can be financially devastating, and the consequences of breaking your promise to God will be eternal.

If you don't trust yourself to be exclusive to one person for the rest of your life, then marriage is not for you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am not yet married, but have been considering marriage in about a year or so. I guess I just want to know what exactly it is like, whether it is personal stories or just general things about it. I know that probably 90% of people on here have been married at some point in their lives, and it would be very nice to hear accounts from those who are a bit wiser than I am and have been there.


monicagrace,

I will skip my personal story and say that I wish my wife and I had taken some kind of marriage education course before we got married and I think everyone who thinking about getting married would benefit from something like this:

Home : TwoOfUs.org


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'll give you my story. I was married for 18 years and had two kids.
I thought our relationship was great. We disagreed at times, but never had any real knock-downs or any "real" issues that seemed to drive a wedge. I thought we were the dream family. I never felt the old ball and chain like a lot of guys feel.

However, after 18 years, she tells me she's no longer happy and everything has to be my way, etc. Apparently, she was a passive personality and just "sucked it up" for several years until she broke. What do i think I have learned?

1. I'm a logical person who likes everything to make sense. I discovered that relationships and feelings don't always make sense, so i should have recognized that.

2. I discovered that wants have changed. It is no longer enough to provide financial security, be true to your spouse(no cheating), etc., like it was in my grandparents days. People today want some action whether they act like it for a while or not. 

3. It will take "work." I always heard that a marriage takes work, and I always thought that was only for people with problems, but it is also for seemingly smooth marriages. I went for 18 years and didn't feel like it was work; it just seemed smooth. But I discovered that I should have been more connected, have attempted more communication, etc. So, don't get too "at ease," try to stay connected and pick up on things that might be a hidden issue. 

4. Sex doesn't just happen. I never married for sex or thought much about it; I just assumed sex was a normal part of a marriage that happened naturally between two people that loved each other, like eating a meal. I always thought people looked at sex as fun and not a job. It never occurred to me that a young healthy person could actually not be too excited about sex. i didn't realize that some people's bodies were not geared to have sex when the wind blows like mine. :rofl: If differences arise, respect the other one's opinion and try to work through it without showing frustration if possible. 

I'm sure I'll think of other things, but these are a few for now.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Love alone won't make a marriage last.


So true, Coffee. This was the biggest surprise that I had about marriage. How could it be that love is not enough to insure a successful marriage? Love is the starting point, but the most important thing is that both people are committed to being married. This means that both are willing to compromise and communicate.

Our culture promotes individual choice and individual satisfaction. Have it your way is great for burgers, but it does not work in a marriage. You and your spouse must be willing to think "we," not "me" if your marriage is to survive.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Honestly, there is no way to answer this question. You'll be over the moon happy and in-love some days, you'll hate his guts more than any person on earth some days. You will face things together that you could never begin to predict and you cannot even begin to imagine how it will affect each of you as individuals much lead your marriage.

The single most important thing to me before I got married was making sure my partner had the same level of commitment to a marriage that I did. In the end that is really all that keeps you together isn't it? That you mutually agreed to stick together. I judged this in my dating days preliminarily by seeing what kind of commitment the guy applies to all of his other aspects of life - what is his work ethic like? How has he handled previous hardships in his life? What is his view on marraige, monogamy and divorce? Then as we got deeper into the relationship and began to experience things jointly, I watched for hos reaction...when things get tough, does he walk away? 

My emotion and view of my marriage continually changes, but one thing that never changes is my decision to stick with it and put in the work necessary to keep it going. And I know I can say the same for my husband.

One good thing to remember - happiness is essentially a choice. You cannot rely on someone else to make you happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am not yet married, but have been considering marriage in about a year or so. I guess I just want to know what exactly it is like, whether it is personal stories or just general things about it. I know that probably 90% of people on here have been married at some point in their lives, and it would be very nice to hear accounts from those who are a bit wiser than I am and have been there.


Did you read all those posts advising you to *stop thinking of marriage at your age*? I guess teenagers feel that they know everything, so this is why you are pondering marriage when you should be having fun and learning about yourself WITHOUT A MAN.  I suppose you won't know until it is too late.

Marriage is whatever the couple defines it as. Our marriage exemplifies honesty, laughter, equality and copious lovemaking. We are very unique in that we are a family of two-no kids largely because we want to focus on ourselves and there some health issues on my end.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

Married life huh? Soooo different for everybody. And so much to it!

However, in a general sense, I think that married couples that are actually happy, life for them is like that of a flower plant:

Imagine a normal flower plant. What does a normal flower plant need in order to survive? Sunshine and Rain, right? 

That is what married life is like. Going through those sunny days and embracing those rainy days.

There should be more sunny days than rainy days. But, if the sun stayed for too long, the flower plant will wither and die. It needs those rainy days! There might also come a time where the rain stays for longer than usual, making the plant fear it will drown. But before you know it, the sun will peek again and shine to its fullest. And that water underneath the ground will nourish the flower and help it grow and blossom more.

In a normal marriage, one thing is for sure... When a rainy day is over, you always realize that you have only grown closer together.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Did you read all those posts advising you to *stop thinking of marriage at your age*? I guess teenagers feel that they know everything, so this is why you are pondering marriage when you should be having fun and learning about yourself WITHOUT A MAN.  I suppose you won't know until it is too late.


There is nothing that OP "should" be doing. Its her life, not yours. She also was told that it was ok to marry young. So, all in all, it is up to her to decide what is best for her specifically. And, if she thought that she "knew everything" she would not be here asking questions. My marriage worked at 18, and I am, in my eyes, the happiest woman alive.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, I had to go into marriage like a business. Sounds cold and distant, but I had to make sure my partner was in love (a must) but also committed to the marriage, not just to me.

Yea, we've had our rough patch this last summer but he was committed to the marriage...even though he wasn't happy with me and took a cheap way out (but it's all been discussed and resolved).

I never saw anyone as "lifelong" before I met Hubs. I just thought I'd date and move on. I was fine with that too, until i met Hubs.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

marriage is a life long commitment to another person. to be responsible for your actions, words, feelings toward another human being.

i think its important to know the mind set of the person of whom you intend to marry...do they see you a person or possession, will they want to have sex with you after you have children..

can they respect you for being you, and being silly, saying weird things, acting a little goofy. can you be yourself 100% around them.

dont enter a marriage for a selfish reason. such as, are you scared of being alone, you are going to settle for "mr. right now", are you just tired of the dating seen...

my marriage is about sacrifice, allowing the other person to talk and have feelings i cant control. sometimes marriage comes first, above all else in life.

my marriage has fun, understanding, friendship..but we are still the same person we are, we dont act differently or change core elements of us because "they wouldnt understand" or "like it".

there can be no topic that is off limits, life , death, children, parents, friends, owing a house, renting for the rest of your lives, cheating, pets, neighborhood, voting, video games, porn.

being an open book is a must in marriage. privacy is up to the individuals in the marriage, in ours there is a vary small amount, and i like it and my husband does too.

you have to weigh the person you are, the person you could become, the kind of person they are, their back round, their parental rasing, how they talk to you, how you talk to them, how the two for you act around one another.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I love being married ! I love being in love, I love to have my husband come home every day, I still get a little excited - even after 6 kids & 22 yrs of the same man.... ... I craved creating our own family - when we started out... Love the chaos of raising all these kids, the joy far outweighs the stress for me & my husband....Love taking vacations, laughing & singing in the car.

We get off alone separately (how very important once you have kids!!) ....but so is just being with our family. I will miss these days when they are gone... I was one of those young girls who dreamed of meeting her Prince since I was probably 10 yrs old. I just knew getting married & having a family is what I wanted for my life, for my own happiness. It is old fashioned but--that is ME. 

I think the best advice you can get anywhere is never rush into anything... and make darn sure you are compatible...similar beliefs, dreams, goals, morals, ideas on..... so very very much! 

I did a thread on what I will teach all of my children someday -what I feel they NEED to know, understand fully about each other before walking down the aisle...to avoid so many mistakes others overlook while dating. Sure people change but I don't feel we do a complete about face, generally the signs are there while dating -if something will become amiss later on. 

Me & mine did talk about near everything, but we still got a few things wrong - mainly in the sexual arena, I was repressed, he was passive -not the best mix. Openly commincating has been our healing balm. 

I have never looked at my marriage "like work" - sure we had some hard times (infertility for 6 long yrs being the hardest of all) ..but through it all -he was my anchor, my lighthouse, our foundation was a rock. 

I never felt like I was putting myself down to please him type thing...because we both enjoy pretty much the same stuff ..what a Blessing that is ...our love languages are even in the same order. 

15 points here...to evaluate yourself & your partner -know each other fully, deeply, truly , this is your greatest chance at success in this beautiful thing called Marraige. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html










......................


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

The one thing I'll add in to what I'm reading is a definition of love.

I actually disagree with those who say love isn't enough. However; I think the disagreement is really in what we define love to be. 

Love is NOT emotion. Love is a committment. You decide you will love someone, and you do it. This is an act of the will. Your emotions will ebb and flow. Even as long as we've been married, I still have those times when I can get all gooey and emotional. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that's not all the time, though. I've decided I love her. I act on that, and the heart comes along for the ride ... I think if you give your heart a place to be happy, then most of the time, it will be. 

Absolutely there will be disagreements and some of these will result in arguments. I don't even think this is a bad thing when you learn how to argue. These should be passionate negotiations. I cannot separate myself from my passion, and I do not expect my wife to separate herself from her passion. The passion that makes her that way when we disagree is the same passion that makes her so much fun in other situations. I want the whole thing. So I will argue without insulting her, and she will argue with me ... sometimes the passion may boil over a little bit and we may go outside of our rules of engagement for arguments, but all in all, it's fine. We still love each other even in the passion of an argument. 

I've committed myself to her, therefore I love her. That requires action on my part, and if I am not willing to take those actions, I do not love her - it's just words at that point. You can bet that there are times when I need to do something that I'm not feeling all emotional and gooey, but that doesn't mean I don't love her. I'll take care of her, keep myself for her, etc. and the heart will have its gooey moments. In the balance, it works out wonderfully for us.

I always make a point of defining love when I begin hearing about people falling in and out of love, or saying love isn't enough, etc. I think it is enough, it's just a matter of what love really is, and I believe it is an act of the will.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Interesting point shyguy, but didn't you have partners before your wife that you loved, but realized were not marriage material because you were not truly compatible? People with whom you did not share goals or did not form a good team together? As you say, it does depend on your definition of love. I guess you would say you did not really love these women.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Interesting point shyguy, but didn't you have partners before your wife that you loved, but realized were not marriage material because you were not truly compatible? People with whom you did not share goals or did not form a good team together? As you say, it does depend on your definition of love. I guess you would say you did not really love these women.


I had one girlfriend before my wife. We broke up when she became pregnant ... we had never had sex ... That's the extent of my prior relationships.

If you read my story elsewhere, you might recognize that I didn't have enough time for much depth of consideration before my wife and I were married, and our marriage would be considered ill-advised by pretty much anyone (Look up the thread on "Marriages nobody believed would work ... but they did" which you also posted in in this forum to see what I mean by that). But whether it was ill-advised or not, it's where we are today.

Looking back now, I am SO glad I am married to the one I am married to. First, now I really appreciate the difference in our cultures, and I've learned a love for her culture. Looking at everything else, I have learned to appreciate the strength of personality of my wife so much. That, more than anything else I can think of, has propelled us to a MUCH better place in life financially, with our children, with satisfaction in life. It does mean we have a lot more of those passionate negotiations I was talking about, but here too, I've come to recognize both the areas that she is talented in that I'm not (and thus how the end result is BETTER because she stands up and argues with me), and just really appreciate the value of her input even in the areas where I am more expert than she. That strength of personality made her one heckuva mother, too. 

I've tried to evaluate what my life would be like if things had gone differently with that first girlfriend. It's impossible to say for sure, but I think I would have been generally happy, but not as experienced, and not as well off in an overall sense as I am now. She does seem to have done well as a mother. I wouldn't have known anything different if I had married her, and who knows what she would have brought to the long term relationship if I really had been with her? I just let her be in the past, and recognize what a good deal I have with the lady I'm with.

That sounds like a lot of tap-dancing around your question, doesn't it?  That's about as far as I can think of it. Right now, I love the lady I chose to love.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Marriage is a work in progress year after year. Sometime you love each other more than yesterday and less than tomorrow..and other days..you can't stand a single thing they do.

It's putting up with the little things..making smaller of the big things, and just knowing..come hell or high water..you'll be there for them irregardless.

People change throughout the years. You're never as pretty as you were the day you got married. There's always going to be someone prettier out there but your spouse will always be the love of your life and the most beautiful person in the world to you.

Men will lose their hair and get hairier in other places. Women will get gray and grow hair in places you never even imagined. Deal with it and love them anyway.

Women will go through menopause which will drive you crazy for 10 years or more and men will lose their sex drive while women's sex drives increase (and what the heck was God thinking on THAT one??) It's all about learning to somehow get along while guys complain to other guys and women complain to other women about stuff neither of us can figure out since men are from Venus and women are from Mars.

This goes on for years and years while being married to the same person day after day, week after week..and year after year

Then we come home to our spouses..give them a sweet little kiss on the cheek and hold hands in front of the tv when we're 60+ years old and consider ourselves lucky that we're not one of the lousy saps sitting in the bar sipping beer after beer just wishing they had someone to come home to.

Eventually as we grow older, we joke about all our little idiosyncracies such as, "You snore so damned loud you wake the neighbors!!" as he complains about our nagging that they can't make it to the laundry basket with their darned dirty underwear and if he'd put the stupid remote control where it belongs instead of leaving it on the chair so that it gets caught between the seat..maybe he'd be able to find it.."

My parents were married for 45 years before my mom passed away from cancer and I can't tell you the things they complained about regarding each other. My mom used to LOVE fresh air in the house and used to have every single window in the house open while it blew all the papers off the kitchen table..the wind would slam every available door shut (so my Dad had to make doorstops for all the doors)..and one day it was soo windy in the house my dad walked in and said, "The next house we buy...I'm going build a GD GARAGE door on the side of the house so she can have everything WIIIIIDE OPEN!!!" As he raised his hands in frustration!!

My mom had her complaints too, as my dad used to eat an apple all the way down to the absolute CORE and leave them underneath the couch in the livingroom. Day after day she'd have to pick up his gross apple cores from underneath the couch in addition to his toothpicks!! Dad always walked around the house with a toothpick in his mouth and when he was finished with it, he'd either leave it on an end table...or better..stash it underneath the couch. Used to drive my mom nuts!! That was after he gave up potatoe chips.

My mom used to buy those two packs of potatoe chips in a box while my dad used to eat an entire bag..and then stash the empty bag underneath the couch. One day he shoved it so far, the family dog tried to get it out and got stuck underneath the couch for two hours.

Along with that..my dad could sneeze a hundred times over. He'd sneeze and sneeze and sneeze while my mom would say, "Oh God...he's not done yet..get it over with wouldja??" 

Along with the fact that my dad worked in a factory for years that basically ruined his hearing. My mom would be talking to my dad and he'd be oblivious to it, so us kids would repeat it...my mom would says, "Oh for pities sake...he can't hear you..."

Kind of reminds me of "Everyone Loves Raymond" as I'm sure many here can relate!!

One thing I have to say about my parent's 45 year marriage though was that they never EVER argued. My dad told me that they just talked things out and it made for a good marriage. Yes, they had their disagreements as all couples do..but they made it work.

Why is this society sooo different from our elders and my question is..what did we learn from them that it's so easy to fool around on our spouses...so easy to insult and belittle them, etc? What's up with physical and mental abuse as this isn't what most of our parents raised us to be?

It's a rough world we live in..but come on people..is it so bad that we can't just simply make it work like our parents did?


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Keep a list of qualities that you think are extremely important to YOU... that would make your old rocking-chair age years be worth it with this one person! (Ie, humor, whit, responsibility, willingness to be open & willing to discuss things, how do they handle anger, jealousy, friends.... etc)


Generally good advice. But there's a corollary. Don't get lost in your list. Don't turn each man you meet into a score. You need to see what's really there, not what's not on your list.

When I met Carol I had such a list. I'm an organized and tidy thinker so the list was thorough. Carol would have scored near 0. She was basically nothing I was looking for in a woman and life partner. On top of that the situation was wrong in about 2 billion ways.

I sure am glad the universe gave me what I needed rather than what I wanted. Someone upstairs was looking out for me. I sure am glad I was paying attention.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

South,
Truly I find you a puzzle at times. In my world, the sex life you described was awful in terms of quality and quantity and in terms of your wife's attitude about your frustrations which seemed to be "if you aren't happy about it that is entirely your problem".

And yet you describe the marriage as great. That truly does not compute to me. 


UOTE=southbound;665646]I'll give you my story. I was married for 18 years and had two kids.
I thought our relationship was great. We disagreed at times, but never had any real knock-downs or any "real" issues that seemed to drive a wedge. I thought we were the dream family. I never felt the old ball and chain like a lot of guys feel.

However, after 18 years, she tells me she's no longer happy and everything has to be my way, etc. Apparently, she was a passive personality and just "sucked it up" for several years until she broke. What do i think I have learned?

1. I'm a logical person who likes everything to make sense. I discovered that relationships and feelings don't always make sense, so i should have recognized that.

2. I discovered that wants have changed. It is no longer enough to provide financial security, be true to your spouse(no cheating), etc., like it was in my grandparents days. People today want some action whether they act like it for a while or not. 

3. It will take "work." I always heard that a marriage takes work, and I always thought that was only for people with problems, but it is also for seemingly smooth marriages. I went for 18 years and didn't feel like it was work; it just seemed smooth. But I discovered that I should have been more connected, have attempted more communication, etc. So, don't get too "at ease," try to stay connected and pick up on things that might be a hidden issue. 

4. Sex doesn't just happen. I never married for sex or thought much about it; I just assumed sex was a normal part of a marriage that happened naturally between two people that loved each other, like eating a meal. I always thought people looked at sex as fun and not a job. It never occurred to me that a young healthy person could actually not be too excited about sex. i didn't realize that some people's bodies were not geared to have sex when the wind blows like mine. :rofl: If differences arise, respect the other one's opinion and try to work through it without showing frustration if possible. 

I'm sure I'll think of other things, but these are a few for now.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> 3. It will take "work." I always heard that a marriage takes work, and I always thought that was only for people with problems, but it is also for seemingly smooth marriages. I went for 18 years and didn't feel like it was work; it just seemed smooth. But I discovered that I should have been more connected, have attempted more communication, etc. So, don't get too "at ease," try to stay connected and pick up on things that might be a hidden issue.


Squeezing some lemonade out from my lemons, I learned that from two divorces. I was SO focused on making sure it worked with Carol. Sadly, even then I lost focus for a while and our marriage suffered greatly for it. Nowadays, the drill is each and every morning I ask myself... carefully... "How could I have been a better husband yesterday? What am I going to do about it today?" I often times suspect people think work means "tolerating things". For us, it means rolling up the shirt sleeves and getting busy making the marriage better via conscious and deliberate action. ~chuckles~ At times we've even done detailed performance evaluations.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Mom_In-Love said:


> There is nothing that OP "should" be doing. Its her life, not yours. She also was told that it was ok to marry young. So, all in all, it is up to her to decide what is best for her specifically. And, if she thought that she "knew everything" she would not be here asking questions. My marriage worked at 18, and I am, in my eyes, the happiest woman alive.


Most teenage married couples do not last specifically because there is just too much growth and change during one's twenties. An adolescent's brain is not even completely developed at 18; so how can they make such a life changing decision? I stand my opinion that 18 is much too young to get married. In this day and age, it is important for a woman to find out who she is _independently _before she becomes a wife. It is rarely a good idea for a woman to have no identity outside of marriage. As someone who married very early, I am sure that you see at least a shred of truth in my words.

In another thread, the OP admitted that she should wait until she finishes college and is more stable. I applaud her for being mature enough to know that education is much more important than getting married at 18. This is not 1955 after all. 

I suppose my views come from my own experience, as well as watching others who married before they were twenty. I was engaged at 18 and I am very thankful that I listened to my mother. She married at 23 and her biggest regret was not obtaining an education before having four children. I know many other women who kick themselves for becoming wives before they even knew themselves. 

Glad that your marriage worked out. However, you are the exception and not the rule. If someone posts about her life or her choices TAM members have every right to respond with their unique points of view.  It has nothing to do with making her life my own.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Glad that your marriage worked out. However, you are the exception and not the rule. If someone posts about her life or her choices TAM members have every right to respond with their unique points of view.  It has nothing to do with making her life my own.


Lol. I had already understood your point of view about marrying young. You made it clear before, so, you did not need to explain. I was never trying to get into a discussion about our different opinions on this subject... Even so, you never know if OP is the exception as well. However, on your response to her, you generalized your opinion and made it sound like "the rule".

And, I am indeed aware that this is a forum in which people post their opinions. However, your first response to OP in this thread sounded a little demanding and not just like an opinion. Maybe that was not your intent, and I do apologize if I misunderstood that specifically.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> South,
> Truly I find you a puzzle at times. In my world, the sex life you described was awful in terms of quality and quantity and in terms of your wife's attitude about your frustrations which seemed to be "if you aren't happy about it that is entirely your problem".
> 
> And yet you describe the marriage as great. That truly does not compute to me.


Yes, I can see where that is a bit of a puzzle. I suppose it just has to do with attitude and such. It's like someone said in a thread about divorce and finding someone else, you just trade one set of problems for a different set of problems, meaning that every relationship has issues; for me, our only issue was not enough sex; everything else was great.

Her personality fit what I wanted right down to the small stuff. As I look back over our marriage, we never had any major issues; though her family liked drama, she seemed to despise it; she didn't go ballistic if I brought a piece of grass on the carpet, she didn't drive me crazy shopping; she was laid back like me; we had the same religious beliefs; we agreed on how to raise our kids, and the list goes on. 

I think sometimes that if i ever do have another relationship, I need a woman with the personality of my x, but with a much higher sex drive. If i had not been getting sex, and she was also a "B", I might have a different attitude, but everything else was great. 

I know some people would divorce if they weren't happy with the sex, but I guess I'm old fashioned and felt that anything short of cheating or abuse should be worked out.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

South,
Just recognize that sometimes "laid back" is just another way to describe conflict avoidant.

I remember before getting married we had the following exchange:
Me: I care about 5 percent of stuff, outside that 5 percent you will find me highly accommodating. Inside the 5% I will generally go to my grave to get an acceptable outcome.
Her: I think I know what that stuff is by now and am ok with it
Me: it kind of makes for a great fit being that you care about 90% of stuff
Her: eyes narrowed - you calling me high maintenance?
Me: holding my hands up defensively in front of me, like an unarmed man in a knife fight "no no you just have (long pause here to mess with her) high standards, yes that's it high standards
Her: Nodding now - well as long as you realize that




southbound said:


> Yes, I can see where that is a bit of a puzzle. I suppose it just has to do with attitude and such. It's like someone said in a thread about divorce and finding someone else, you just trade one set of problems for a different set of problems, meaning that every relationship has issues; for me, our only issue was not enough sex; everything else was great.
> 
> Her personality fit what I wanted right down to the small stuff. As I look back over our marriage, we never had any major issues; though her family liked drama, she seemed to despise it; she didn't go ballistic if I brought a piece of grass on the carpet, she didn't drive me crazy shopping; she was laid back like me; we had the same religious beliefs; we agreed on how to raise our kids, and the list goes on.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

shy_guy said:


> The one thing I'll add in to what I'm reading is a definition of love.
> 
> I actually disagree with those who say love isn't enough. However; I think the disagreement is really in what we define love to be.


 I don't feel love is enough in the face of certain behaviors...there is always a line in the sand, I am not a proponent of Unconditional Love ...It is a sweet concept, but it also causes co-dependency, emotional resentment that eats & infests, even doormatism -depending on what is lacking within the union.. I do wonder how you would feel about this Shy_Guy.... a thread I did before you landed here .... It seems half of the replies were split... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ve-unconditional-love-what-does-mean-you.html




> Absolutely there will be disagreements and some of these will result in arguments. I don't even think this is a bad thing when you learn how to argue. These should be passionate negotiations. I cannot separate myself from my passion, and I do not expect my wife to separate herself from her passion. The passion that makes her that way when we disagree is the same passion that makes her so much fun in other situations. I want the whole thing. So I will argue without insulting her, and she will argue with me ... sometimes the passion may boil over a little bit and we may go outside of our rules of engagement for arguments, but all in all, it's fine. We still love each other even in the passion of an argument.


 Conflict is healthy! No 2 people are alike, we can't agree all the time...a little conflict just shows we are speaking how we truly feel..and deeply.... and infact craving resolution with our partner. It is a blessing, a necessity even... But it needs to be handled in the right spirit ...with some humility before each other.









It is funny ....both of us are completely & utterly miserable -loss of all inner joy, the world turns Grey - when me & mine are not getting along.. I have tried to slam the door & leave him alone...but I can't do it !! I will go right back up there.... I am weak...and he loves this.....I can see a crack of a  on his face when I come towards him ......sometimes we both start laughing and I tell him how pathetic I am -that I can't stay away. 

This brings us together very quickly...we try to never let the sun go down on our anger. Both of us are big on accepting our shortcomings - and validating each other... lifting each other up after a fight. 

When you love... there is no where else to go with those feelings! I can't even imagine not busting it all open and making it right. 

Love your thoughts here on arguing "passionately" --I think everything we do should be with passion, including arguing.... then some passionate make up sex aferwards is icing on the cake! 

My husband told me once he would not even take that nasty streak of mine away, cause then it wouldn't be "ME", he told me he loves me just the way I am & wouldn't change a thing. This was after one of our fights even. I started to cry and buried my head in his chest, I do think he is too good to me sometimes. 



> I've committed myself to her, therefore I love her. That requires action on my part, and if I am not willing to take those actions, I do not love her - it's just words at that point. You can bet that there are times when I need to do something that I'm not feeling all emotional and gooey, but that doesn't mean I don't love her. I'll take care of her, keep myself for her, etc. and the heart will have its gooey moments. In the balance, it works out wonderfully for us.


 Always action...and like you said, sometimes that even means a little conflict to get to the glorious resolution. 

I agree with what you say here.... Sometimes I feel I have too much dopamine or something, I near always have those mushy gooey feelings swirling around in my head....they never leave .... they are there bubbling on the surface even... just hearing a love song on the radio - emotions flood me, they carry me, every line speaks......when he hears one at work, he always comes home & tells me & hugs me close. We are revolving mush... we are both like this. Some would hate this & think










I know this is not the norm. 

When I was too into our kids, I let this slide to some extent... but it has been this way for the past 3 yrs....still feel like we are on our Honeymoon.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>Yes, I can see where that is a bit of a puzzle. I suppose it just has to do with attitude and such. It's like someone said in a thread about divorce and finding someone else, you just trade one set of problems for a different set of problems, meaning that every relationship has issues; for me, our only issue was not enough sex; everything else was great.<<

Other than that small firearms incident, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> It means sitting there next to him on the couch while he controls the remote and you end up watching his favorite show, PawnStarIceRoadTruckersTheTerminatorStorageWarsGoldRushAlaskaNCISNCISLosAngelesLawAndOrderYoungGunsYoungGuns2ChoppedAmericanChopperSrAmericanChopperJrYardCrashesManvFoodTrucks!MuscleCarPropertyLadderHockeyBaseballFootballSoccerBoxingExtemeMakeoverHouseEditionRepoGamesPropertyLadderFlipThisHouse.
> 
> Seriously, this question is hard to answer. Marriage is many different things to different people. It's a lot of work, but if both people are fully committed to making it succeed, it's worth it.


I understand what you're saying, and I always like your playfulness. The "Committed to making it succeed" is one of those things where it is different for different people I suppose. I always hear that on here, but that is such a tiring thing for me to think about. It's what I expressed in this post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...iage-article-man-giving-mans-perspective.html

That post I linked to is how I think of it, and as I said, it's more than just semantics to me.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> It's like that_girl said, it's a loaded question. Almost impossible to answer, because what works within the confines of one marriage will not work within another.
> 
> Too many different situations and contributing factors. I remember seeing on the news once this guy who was over a hundred years old being asked the secret of his longevity, and he said, "Bacon for breakfast every morning and lots of sex!" :rofl:
> 
> Well, bacon is toxic but it worked for him!


 
I think I was agreeing with you on it being different for different people ... just giving how that thought causes me problems .


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Mom_In-Love said:


> Lol. I had already understood your point of view about marrying young. You made it clear before, so, you did not need to explain. I was never trying to get into a discussion about our different opinions on this subject... Even so, you never know if OP is the exception as well. However, on your response to her, you generalized your opinion and made it sound like "the rule".
> 
> And, I am indeed aware that this is a forum in which people post their opinions. However, your first response to OP in this thread sounded a little demanding and not just like an opinion. Maybe that was not your intent, and I do apologize if I misunderstood that specifically.


Exceptions are very rare, hence the comparison to the word "rule."  For example, so many male members on TAM believe that women have lower sex drives. In their world, I am the exception because my libido rages like a teenage boy. :smthumbup: Successful teenage marriages are *not *the rule, no matter what happened in your life. 

Thank you for your gracious apology. 

As long as posts are not insulting or rude, members are free to convey their POV in a manner which they deem fit. Just as you are permitted to say "There is nothing the OP "should do! It is her life!" I am also allowed to give my advice with whatever words I choose.

If monicagrace ultimately chooses to marry very early, I only hope that it works out the way she wants. She just needs to be aware that the odds are against her in terms of marriage success, obtaining an education and not living in poverty. There is a reason why experts say that late twenties is the earliest a person should consider marriage.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i would also say, fight fighting...thats a big one, and talk, and really communicate with one another.

someone said love languages, yes do the test, talk about it, then in a few months take it again.

dont let little things become resentments. always talk about fights, learn about triggers, and be open to talk about both sides.

LOOK DEEP BEFORE YOU LEAP... i can not stress that enough. know the person, not just what breakfast cereal they like or what movie is their "fav".

i mean really get to know this other person, and know your self too. know body language, tone, pitch, all those things make up a personality.

find someone who thinks highly of you. someone of whom you trust with your life, someone you can be yourself around. dont over look "little" warnings, usually its on the money.

talk about money, talk about sex..often as you can..everyday even.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Conrad said:


> >>Yes, I can see where that is a bit of a puzzle. I suppose it just has to do with attitude and such. It's like someone said in a thread about divorce and finding someone else, you just trade one set of problems for a different set of problems, meaning that every relationship has issues; for me, our only issue was not enough sex; everything else was great.<<
> 
> Other than that small firearms incident, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?


Good comment. I guess i would look at our marriage in comparison as, "Other than the small firearms incident, how was Mr. Lincoln's Presidency?" Apparently Boothe didn't care for it, but it was still good.


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