# I need a reality check....



## lasgirl (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm new to this forum and found it by searching "marriage better off as friends". So here is my deal and I need some other perspective to see maybe I'm just making more of things than I need to be. DH and I have been together for coming up on 12 years this month. Our marriage has of course had our ups and downs. We passed the initial "I promise to never throw dishes again" stage, passed our "7 year itch" and it seems we have hit a phase where we are just realizing many things that we have ignored or chose to not bother to mention. It started out with a comment from me in passing saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I know it sucks but I just really have no interest in hiking in the woods/ (insert outdoorsy activity here)" He says "I don't think that you don't like it, you just lack the motivation". I kind of did a double take when he said that because part of me was thinking "well, 12 years together you should already know that I HATE the woods, ticks and nasty spiders are there!!" But I didn't say a word, he went inside and I just soaked that in for a bit. Later on I say to him "You know babe, it's not that I lack the motivation for those things, I'm just genuinely not interested in doing them." He says "huh" and walks away. So we both let that sink in for a day. So the next day I really start to think and try my best to be COMPLETELY honest with myself. No rose colored glasses at all (half full kind of girl). I came to the realization that I am fully aware that he has not been happy for a few years now. He likes being spontaneous and I feel the need to plan for things. And when you are married and have 3 kids all under high school you can't just go and do what you want.

So when he got home I decided to have a real heart to heart with him. No yelling, no insults, no blame game. (side note- we only have a big argument once or twice a year) So I proceed to tell him that I know he's not happy and hasn't been for a while. That I am fully aware that he loves and adores me and I'm not taking it on a personal level. We walked into this marriage fully knowing that life can change, people can change, grow, evolve or just want more. And that we knew that if either of us was unhappy we would have an "out" but we HAD to be honest and truthful about what we are feeling. I go on to say that I know he needs those things that I just can't give him and I know we are very very different. I don't want him to eventually get to a place where he resents or even starts to hate me for the way his life turned out. At this point we start to compare things like...His idea of a great concert involves beer and some heavy rock music, my idea of a great concert is going to a small club to drink a martini and watch a band play without the chaos. His idea of camping is in the middle of the woods with a sleeping bag and a shovel. Mine is a cabin on the beach. 

So we both continue talking and we understand at this point that hey, maybe this just isn't going to work as far as a marriage goes. However, there are way too many factors going on right now that we are stuck in a "wait and see". He is trying to go back to the Army and I'm working on getting my RN and currently doing customer service from home so I'm here when our kids get home. We both need each other right now in order to get to a place where we will both be okay on our own. So later on that night he says that having a wife and kids is what is keeping him grounded so he doesn't go off on a crazy adventure and end up killing himself because he likes to be careless. All I could say is "I see". I didn't even know how to respond to any of it. I am okay with the idea of waiting to see how things go and just go on about our business until we get to where we need to be, but am wondering how many people really do this or have experienced something similar. Even if the marriage part doesn't work out, we both are great friends and tell each other everything and we will always make great parents. Is this at all remotely normal? I just have no clue what to think, much less what to do about it. Perspective would be great. If you have questions or need more background just let me know. Thanks!


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