# Romance and intimacy



## heart2heart (Jan 8, 2016)

My problem: my husband is not romantic. He does not and has never planned anything special for us, he doesn't buy flowers and no matter how much I talk to him about needing romance and intimacy he does not change, nor try.

Dilemma 1: am I expecting to much? Is romance real? Do people really have romance in their relationships? I thought I had romance before, but those relationships didn't work out. In fact with one ex, he would be "romantic" when he knew he did something wrong. What is romance to you?

Dilemma 2: I don't feel that I am asking to much. I go out of my way to meet his needs because I love him. All I want is effort, something that shows he is interested in making me feel special. Am I suppose to live without this need being met? Am I suppose to accept that he is not romantic?

Dilemma 3: We've been married for almost 5 years now. We've had countless discussions over this. Discussions that have turned into arguments over this. I've kicked him out of the house of this. Nothing changes. Is he doing this on purpose? Maybe he doesn't want to be married.

Thanks in advance for the input.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

Speaking as a non-romantic guy, I can understand where your husband comes from. BUT... and this is a big but... I make the effort for my wife. 

I don't shower her with flowers and gifts, and I don't plan big elaborate romantic retreats because, frankly, I have no idea how to do something like that. I don't really understand the whole romantic ideal and what makes one thing romantic and something else not.

But I do send her flowers occasionally and I will sometimes surprise her by showing up "unexpectedly" and taking her to lunch or planning some simple get away. I say "unexpectedly" because I do clear it a day in advance to make sure she can actually get away for lunch next day or can actually go away for the weekend. 

If you can be satisfied by that much effort, then I think you have reasonable expectations that anyone can meet. If you have clearly stated that you like flowers/candy/whatever and it would be really sweet if he would send them sometimes, and he still won't do it, then that's on him.

As thick as I can be on this, even I can get that much... and if I can do it, ANYONE can.


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## heart2heart (Jan 8, 2016)

CopperTop, Yes! Thank you because you are helping me see that I'm not crazy! Just a little effort that is ALLLLLL that I am asking for. I've even told him it can be as simple as a card or a walk in the park, I don't care, just give me something! 

But reading your post makes me realize just how selfish he is at times. I'm not going to bash him, but I will say him showing up unexpectedly for lunch would be like touching the sun! Freaking awesome!

Maybe I'm sending mixed messages. Maybe because I keep forgiving him maybe he just thinks he doesn't have to. I often feel he waits for me to "get over it."

I have no idea what to do anymore. I never thought I'd be in a loveless marriage.

Thank you for your input.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Some people are romantic, some are not. I'm actually the romantic one in our relationship, my wife isn't. 

Does he know what you are looking for? Romantic means different things to different people. Does he try and fail, or not try at all?


My wife gets love notes, flowers - sometimes at her office. Frequent kisses and touches. We eat dinner out together, travel together. She is a little romantic, but I was the one who had to suggest a walk on the beach on a south pacific island under the full moon....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you are not asking for too much at all.

Can you describe what you want in the way intimacy? That's not real clear in what you wrote.

There are some books that I think will be a good start to help you out. 

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

My suggestion is that you read the books first. After that you ask him to read them with you and the two of you do the work that they suggest.

Start with that. See where it goes. I also suggest that you keep posting here so that you can get support through this.

What you are dealing with is sadly pretty common. Some times one spouse just does not get that the other is serious when they say that their needs are not being met.


.


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## heart2heart (Jan 8, 2016)

I agree with you that romance is not important to all people and or the same to all people. But, as I said in my original post, Ive made it clear to him that its important to me. I just want some gesture, connection, intimacy. Something that says he cares about me and my heart.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

heart2heart said:


> But reading your post makes me realize just how selfish he is at times. I'm not going to bash him, but I will say him showing up unexpectedly for lunch would be like touching the sun! Freaking awesome!
> 
> Maybe I'm sending mixed messages. Maybe because I keep forgiving him maybe he just thinks he doesn't have to. I often feel he waits for me to "get over it."


One note of caution. Nothing kills a romantic gesture for me faster than having it expected. It's hard work for me and its nice to have it appreciated. 

Speaking only for myself, if my wife were to say things like "Why don't you ever...?" or "Why can't you...?" or "I want..." with regard to these little gestures, that would be a real mood killer for me and she would likely get nothing. 

What I respond to would be something like, "It would be great if we could go to lunch sometime..." or "Oohhh... look at those flowers..." Suggestions without implied expectations... but don't be too subtle... you know how thick we guys are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

heart2heart said:


> I agree with you that romance is not important to all people and or the same to all people. But, as I said in my original post, Ive made it clear to him that its important to me. I just want some gesture, connection, intimacy. Something that says he cares about me and my heart.


What matters is what is important to you. Different people feel loved based on different things. 

There is a book "The 5 languages of Love" that talk about this. It's similar to "His Needs, Her Needs"... but HN/HN is more thorough.

My bet is that your husband is happy in the marriage, so he thinks there is no problem. It often leads to what is called the Walk Away Wife Syndrome (WAW). You need to fight for your marriage now to avoid this happening.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your guy might be the most loving dude on earth. He may express his love in ways you don't immediately recognize or appreciate but that doesn't mean he isn't romantic, caring, loving, etc. Don't believe I ever saw my grandfather bringing my grandmother flowers or valentines or taking her dancing but the man treasured the woman above his own life, went to work every day to provide for her, and they managed to be head over heels in love for close to 75 years. Anyone can buy flowers or make a dinner reservation. Men who are having affairs or who wouldn't piss on their wife if she were on fire still buy flowers, cards, and put on the romantic act. Rather than focusing on not getting the romantic symbols you expect, you might want to look for the messages of love he is giving you. It's entirely possible he could be saying exactly what you want to hear but in his own way. My wife isn't traditionally romantic at all but she shows me love in her own way. It's who she is and it's the language she knows and uses.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Think about romance, where did this idea come from?

Movies, books?

In your typical romance novel, or movie, the female protagonist almost always plays the passive role. While the male characters all try to woo her with romantic gestures and chivalry.

The female however is only required to accept or reject the males based on how she interprets the efforts of the males.

Ok now stop thinking about that, and come back to reality....

Men don't get into romance novels and movies because its fvcking hard work, the guy does the hard work and all the females do is accept or reject.

It's not romantic, its sad...
Just like porn is an unfair comparison to your wife. Romantic is an unfair comparison to your husband.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have an emotional need for romance. It is real. He does not have this need himself, so does a bad job meeting this need. You automatically think he does not love you becuase you are not getting your need met. But what is the feeling in his heart? He may love you dearly but just be incredibly bad at delivering this need.

So what you have to figure out.
1. Does he love you in his heart ? If yes, then proceed to find out more.
2. Why does he not meet your need?
a. Is he angry at you for something and does not want to?
b. Is he just completely ignorant to why this important?

One thing that stands out from your post is that you "kicked him out"...Sounds like he has automatically taken an position in the marriage that is subservient to you. Mabye he resents some things you are doing. Just a thought.

From what you posted it's impossible to know what is going on with him, this is your journey to figure out (or post more info).


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Read "His Needs, Her Needs". Everyone shows their love differently. I show my love by taking care of my husband. I cook him fancy meals. I give him foot massages. I try to make things easier for him at home.

He shows his love by filling the car with gas every weekend. In 24 years of marriage I filled the car with gas about 3 times. He warms up the car for me in the morning. He cleans the snow off the car for me before going to work. He cleans the front yard. He takes care of the house and fixes things. All I have to do is tell him what I what him to do. 

My husband shows his love differently. He takes care of me. 

What does your husband do for you? Think about all the small things he does, could it be that is the way he shows love?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

heart2heart said:


> My problem: my husband is not romantic. He does not and has never planned anything special for us, he doesn't buy flowers and no matter how much I talk to him about needing romance and intimacy he does not change, nor try.
> 
> Dilemma 1: am I expecting to much? Is romance real? Do people really have romance in their relationships? I thought I had romance before, but those relationships didn't work out. In fact with one ex, he would be "romantic" when he knew he did something wrong. What is romance to you?
> 
> ...


Honestly, you're being naive. You sound like a 12 year old who expects her white knight to ride in and swoop her up and ride away and be in romance fairytale land for the rest of her life. The problem with that dream is that those fairytales never show what happens when they GET to their destination, get off the horse, and have to live together for the next 50 years. Romance is easy - FOR ONE DAY. 

And guys can sometimes be great at romance to GET a girl. Meaning, they can sustain it for a few months TO ACHIEVE A PURPOSE. But then what? Then the two of you have to hold each other's head over the toilet, wipe kids' snotty noses, unclog drains. THAT is real life.

Now one thing you SHOULD be expecting from him is sustained CARE for you. If he's turned into an armchair-sitting, beer-guzzling, game-watching/playing idiot, you have every reason to be mad. But if he's just living life and helping you and paying attention to you, there IS something you can do to get what you're missing. 

Read the book His Needs Her Needs. Read it out loud to him. In it, you'll learn that you must spend at least 10 to 15 hours a week together, doing non-chores/computer/tv/video games/work-related stuff. That means sitting down to have coffee together and talk about your day. Going on walks together. Trying out a new restaurant at least once a month. Going on day trips to towns around you. Joining a sport together. Taking a class together. Throwing block parties. Going on picnics or going ice skating. Etc.

Basically, you have to keep DATING throughout your marriage like you did before you got married. And if he isn't willing to do that, then you need to assess whether he just married you to have a cook/maid/sex partner. Some men do. But go down that path anyway; you may have to set up the situations at first, and drag him along. But once he sees how enjoyable it is, how happy it makes you, and how much that happiness then makes you want to make HIM happy, he should see the benefit in it.

Understand, though, that if you approach him as a mean, nagging woman who expects him to do what she wants, he'll just stop listening to you. You need to make sure you're meeting HIS needs, too. Reading HNHN will tell you all you need to know about that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My wife asked me for a back rub when she was waking up this morning. I quickly proceeded to grab her butt and remarked how wonderful her butt was, and that I enjoyed grabbing at it. 

After getting out of bed I kind of felt bad, so I went to her while she was in the kitchen making her coffee and told her that, "while your butt is super awesome, I wanted to let you know that as a person that I think you are kind of OK too!" and gave her a hug.

She just rolled her eyes and smiled. Perhaps your husband will finally learn how to be all super romantic like me after you have been married for 20 years. Just be patient! Men can be slow at learning these things.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

turnera said:


> Honestly, you're being naive. You sound like a 12 year old who expects her white knight to ride in and swoop her up and ride away and be in romance fairytale land for the rest of her life. The problem with that dream is that those fairytales never show what happens when they GET to their destination, get off the horse, and have to live together for the next 50 years. Romance is easy - FOR ONE DAY.
> 
> *And guys can sometimes be great at romance to GET a girl. Meaning, they can sustain it for a few months TO ACHIEVE A PURPOSE. But then what?* Then the two of you have to hold each other's head over the toilet, wipe kids' snotty noses, unclog drains. THAT is real life.
> 
> ...


this. if a guy can woo a gal with whatever he does to win her heart then he needs to KEEP doing it! that's the very problem a lot of the times. sure work, kids and life get in the way, but sorry, that's no excuse. as the common theme goes 'you must keep dating your wife forever!' sorry guys (me too), you can't just win her and then take her for granted if you want a good marriage.

and by the way, that goes for gals too.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm a guy and I like romance - it was not just something to "get" a girl. I like giving my wife flowers because I like to see her smile. I like sitting next to her holding hands watching TV. Moonlight on beaches is really nice. I take a certain glee in making her girlfriends at work jealous. 

I want is reciprocated. I want here to grab me for a hug or kiss without warning. I would really like more of a sense of sexual desire from her - having her every once in a while jump me when I get home from work or in the middle of the night would be really nice.

Don't get me wrong, I like things other than romance. I like hiking in rugged mountains, watching movies where things explode, flying airplanes, and hot moderately kinky sex.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

heart2heart said:


> CopperTop, Yes! Thank you because you are helping me see that I'm not crazy! Just a little effort that is ALLLLLL that I am asking for. I've even told him it can be as simple as a card or a walk in the park, I don't care, just give me something!
> 
> But reading your post makes me realize just how selfish he is at times. I'm not going to bash him, but I will say him showing up unexpectedly for lunch would be like touching the sun! Freaking awesome!
> 
> ...


You seem to equate lack of romance to a "loveless marriage."
Can you be more specific on your definition of romance and how the lack of "it" means that your marriage is loveless.

For example, 
I would do anything for my wife and family. I have been married for 24 years and I do LOVE my wife. We are having the best sex of our lives 2 to 3 times per week and I do not consider myself very "romantic."


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