# My husband thinks he wants to break up



## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Hi Everyone. I am new here, this is my first post. Going through a very difficult time. My husband (45) and I (43) have been married for almost 9 years, together for 12. We have had some issues for the past few years, and he has slowly pulled away from me. We generally get along when the conversations are light, but he can be a very difficult person to deal with at times, because he can be very moody and often lacks empathy. 

The pandemic has been very hard for him, he has been dealing with a lot of anxiety because of it. And this summer, I had a bit of a meltdown because I felt like he has pulled away more and more and I can't reach him emotionally. Since then, he has been even more distant, and the other weekend, he told me he is not in love with me anymore, and in many ways wants to be alone so he can do his own things, that he "isn't cut out for marriage." We do not have children, so that isn't a factor in getting him to work on things, and I fear that he will just give up. 

We used to be best friends, and we have a lot in common, but he is much more extroverted than I am, and he likes to constantly be doing something. He likes to be busy, which is nice in a lot of ways, but can also be frustrating. He seems to want someone that can keep up with him and do all the things he likes to do, or be alone.

For years I have asked him if he was unhappy, if he wanted to be married, and he always said that he isn't going anywhere. But now, he claims to know how he feels (not in love), but that he was in denial of it for a while, and is now just coming to accept it. I suspect that we lost our bond due to poor communication and somewhat different temperaments. I don't want to break up, but it clearly cannot go on like this. 

We just started therapy with a counselor that specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy. So far, I like her, but even she says that my husband will have to want to work at it, and I am worried he might not. 

This is really really sad for me, and we also bought our first home a year ago after renting, and I really don't want to uproot my life again. 

I guess I am just here for support and maybe some hope that my husband will be open to making changes to bring back our bond. 

Thank you for reading


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Besides buying the house has there been any other major changes in your lives? Do you know what triggered the pulling away?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Misskitness said:


> We used to be best friends, and we have a lot in common, but he is much more extroverted than I am, and he likes to constantly be doing something. He likes to be busy, which is nice in a lot of ways, but can also be frustrating. He seems to want someone that can keep up with him and do all the things he likes to do, or be alone.


Could you give specific details as to what you mean by this? Has he ever indicated that he feels you are holding him back from pursuing particular interests?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I had a relationship with a man who was a ton more extroverted than me. It never would have worked as a marriage because of it. Decades later we are still in touch as friends. He's divorced, and since the divorce had a good relationship with a very nice woman, that also ended because of this very mismatch. He's now with a woman who is extroverted like he is and I think this one will last. They are always on the move doing something. It tires me out just looking at the pictures.

Your husband would have to want to work to compromise for your mismatch to work. Right now or doesn't sound like that is his mindset.


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## Mezman (Dec 12, 2020)

My wife and I are the same, we separated earlier in the year, however we have agreed to reunite. We have worked on our differences and she has agreed to allow me more freedom to be my natural self. It can work I think, it just needs understanding on both sides.

It is very early days for me but the fact she isn't trying to cage me with guilt is working. The time we spend together is higher quality and we are both getting our needs met for the first time in our relationship.

If you are the introverted one, you need to accept you can't be the one to meet all his needs. But make the time you spend together more high quality by doing something you can enjoy together.

I could write a lot more about my experience as an extrovert married to an introvert. But its a process and im sure others can add to this conversation


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry.

Your therapist is correct that he has to want to work on your relationship. And you’re right to be worried that he won’t. It’s totally up to him at this point. He’s going to do what he wants to do. In the meantime, focus on you and what your life looks like and any changes you might want to make moving forward.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I've found that the more extroverted one sometimes looks down upon the more introverted person as "not exciting enough". Make sure that doesn't happen.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sadly your H will go on his way to "be" who he is only to find out you are a better part of who he is. The grass is not always greener.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You discuss your emotional connection in regards to your differences which makes sense, how about your physical one which can very often be a sign of how connected husbands are to their wives. This is also very often the gateway for men to connect to their spouses.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Misskitness said:


> We have had some issues for the past few years


What issues have you had? What you might consider minor issues might be major to him.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You might be surprised to learn that how you react to certain criteria can oftentimes make a huge difference in the outcome.

Having different personality types doesn't matter.....
That you used to be best friends doesn't matter.....
How you lost your bond doesn't matter.....

.....because all of that is water under the bridge now. He said he doesn't love you anymore and wants a divorce. That's the bottom line. Instead of being upset about that (which, of course, is totally understandable) and doing things, saying things, asking to attend counseling, etc. in effort to convince him to change his mind, you should have said "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but okay. So how do you suggest we should go about separating assets to prepare for divorce?" The whiplash would have been on his neck instead of yours. People don't normally respect the pickme dance. They lose respect for the person and become more anxious to move forward in their resolve. But if they get a shock to their ego and mistaken sense of self-importance, they more likely reconsider their decision.

In other words, if your response had indicated in any way that his decision, and thus he himself, didn't matter all that much to you, and then you set about actively and visibly preparing and talking about the divorce that he says he wants, then he would have felt like "Dang, she doesn't even care. She doesn't even want me." He would set about trying to win back your heart.

It's really just a theory, but one that works ordinarily. You should still try it but it may be too late in the game. You've been doing and saying things to change his mind and asked for counseling as part of it. Probably crying and begging too (which is also understandable). He only agreed to counseling to placate you and soften the blow for your sake. You're going to have to accept that he's not interested in participating. He's not committed anymore. The way to bring him back was to make him think you're as anxious to get rid of him as he is to get rid of you. It would have shocked his senses.

Aside from all that - and I am normally the very last person to think this - you need to make sure he isn't interested in someone else or hasn't been seeing someone else. So check his calls and texts and check what he's been doing on his other devices.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Misskitness said:


> He seems to want someone that can keep up with him and do all the things he likes to do, or be alone.


How true to yourself can you be if you are also the girl who keeps up with him and does things with him?

Women have long used the knowledge that men find appealing a woman who is interested in his passions and who is eager to learn from him.

You can't smother him, you can't drone on about your growing distance, you absolutely need better communication, so there is going to be a fine line here that you need to walk, you need to reconnect to him on his terms, not on your terms (because if on your terms, he's already shown that he's not interested) and he needs to start seeing you as a woman he can fall back in love with. That woman though can't be the woman you've been, the one he fell out of love with.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Instead of chasing after him to get him to change his mind, start acting like you really believe him and that it is over. It is painful yes, but no point in making him want you if he says he does not. Although counter intuitive, let him see what life would be like without you. Start doing things alone, going out with friends alone, not including him. Do the 180 on him. Do not do his washing, cooking for him nothing. No discussion about anything, just on topics which indicate the end of your marriage. If he brings it up then say, well you said you wanted your freedom, I am giving it to you. I do not want to be with someone who does not want me, there's the door. I am getting a lawyer. Go get a good lawyer too. 
Going to counselling is not going to work. If he balks at the idea of losing you, then he will act accordingly, if he doesn't then you know you are flogging a dead horse.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

aine said:


> Start doing things alone, going out with friends alone, not including him. Do the 180 on him. Do not do his washing, cooking for him nothing. No discussion about anything, just on topics which indicate the end of your marriage.


Great ideas. I'll add those next time.

Miskitness, I never think about suggesting the 180, but Aine mentioned it so *here it is*. You will notice it mentions terms like wayward spouse (WS) because it was originally developed by Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy," to help people save their marriage after an affair. But it's still a great resource in the absence of infidelity. Same concept Aine and I both were talking about that often works to reverse an impending divorce. But even if doing it doesn't change his mind, it's an even greater help for you to get your life back and move on from him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This lock down has brought this all to a head earlier than 'otherwise'.
The inevitable has arrived.

One cannot easily call this a blessing, but I would.
Time is everyone's most valuable commodity, as nobody rightly owns time.
Time is a gift.

Use this 'earlier' time period to rearrange your life, all while moving forward.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Wow, thank you everyone for your replies. It's nice to know that random strangers are willing to lend me some support and advice. 

In all honesty, I have been very unhappy in the relationship for years, and have told him as much, and also told him why I was unhappy. The unhappiness comes from his criticism and his need to control everything around him. He likes everything to be a certain way; organized, efficient, with all the i's dotted and the t's crossed. When things are not that way, he gets exasperated and rude. I am a lot more easygoing, and I admit I could use a little help with organization sometimes. He also have specific interests--mostly rock climbing and snowboarding, that he wants me to do with him. I tried both, and liked both, but I have bad arthritis in my neck which makes rock climbing painful for me. But I still snowboard. But since I gave up rock climbing, he has complained constantly that I don't do it with him. We do have a lotto other interests in common, but Rock climbing is his main focus. He will buy me all kinds of gear so that I can do things with him, so the gifts he gives me often serve him, in a way. I have other interests, like running, going to the gym (weightlifting), and drawing/painting, and I also love my job, so I put a lot of time into that. Whenever I try to get him to do things that I like, he refuses. I feel like he wants a clone of himself as a wife sometimes. It's just heartbreaking because we had a really great friendship, we used to do all kinds of things together. We snowboarded, and I even took up golf, which we loved, but we were so bad at it that we gave up. But we had a blast trying. We have very similar values, a similar sense of humor, and I do love being social with him. I just need more time alone to recharge than he does.

He has found more friends who rock climb, and has spent more time with them. I know there is no infidelity (99% positive, but of course one could always be fooled). He wanted someone to do things with, and now he's found other people that do it, and perhaps they are more fun than I am. They are my friends as well, and they are really fun and wonderful people. They tend to be more extroverted, like my husband, and they are younger. I feel left out, replaced. I feel like a failure, like I'm just not "cool" enough. He needs excitement, risks, constantly something new. It's like once he stops moving, he is miserable. I suspect he is very unhappy deep down, and needs to keep moving to push those feelings down. I am the one he sees when he "stops" for a bit. I sometimes wonder if he just associates me with a deep, general dissatisfaction that exists beneath the exterior. I also suspect there's a midlife crisis here to a certain extent. 

There is another major issue in the relationship. For years, wanted to move to another state really really badly. He still does. We both want to be somewhere more rural. But like I mentioned earlier, I LOVE my job, and I have a lot of benefits there that I would lose if I tired to get a similar job elsewhere. And the job prospects in my field would NOT be good in the other state. For years he tried to convince me to give up my job and move away from my family, etc, as soon as we could, but I want to wait until I can retire from my current job, in 10 years. Once I told him I didn't want to move until then, he got more distant. He doesn't like where we live, and he works remote. I DO want to move to this state, it just doesn't make sense for me and I don't want to give up something I love especially if he is willing to forfeit out relationship over it. 

We have had a ton of fun doing things together and learning from each other--hiking, camping, birding, photography, beer...and I have loved being with him. He DID love me and was very supportive of my art shows and loved doing things with me. But he's become more distant over time. I think he just wants to do what he wants to do, and it will be tough for him to find a relationship with anyone if he cannot compromise some of who he is for his partner. I tell him specific things he can do to make me happy, like a kiss when he gets home, and he claims he can't "fake" things. He's never been hugely affectionate, but I was just needing a LITTLE more. He has refused to make these changes for me, even though they are concrete actions that I have been asking him for for a long time. Like the occasional unsolicited hug. Putting the phone down, especially in bed. It has made me feel like I am invisible. 

I sort of DO want out of this. I have been feeling marginalized and disrespected despite doing SO much for him that he refuses to do. He's out of love because he wasn't in love with who I am deep down, I suppose--he wants the person he thought I was, someone more like him, I think. I miss the way we were. And I really don't want to move. I like our home, and I HATE moving. It gives me a huge amount of stress. And I LOVE his family. That part hurts a LOT. 

I saw this coming, but I thought buying the house was a sign that he was still committed and that we could work things out. Therapy would have been great a few years. ago, and maybe it will help us now. Who knows. I'l get through it...I just really thought I had found a great match when I got married. It's baffling how something so good, comfortable, loving, could just dissolve without any huge event happening. I had such a good feeling about the person I chose, but it seems like he is too self absorbed to make me happy, unless therapy helps him to realize his role. Who knows. It just sucks so much. 

Sorry for the novel. But it helped to get some of this out. 

Thanks so much for the support. I'll look into getting a lawyer, after the holidays.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Misskitness said:


> Wow, thank you everyone for your replies. It's nice to know that random strangers are willing to lend me some support and advice.
> 
> In all honesty, I have been very unhappy in the relationship for years, and have told him as much, and also told him why I was unhappy. The unhappiness comes from his criticism and his need to control everything around him. He likes everything to be a certain way; organized, efficient, with all the i's dotted and the t's crossed. When things are not that way, he gets exasperated and rude. I am a lot more easygoing, and I admit I could use a little help with organization sometimes. He also have specific interests--mostly rock climbing and snowboarding, that he wants me to do with him. I tried both, and liked both, but I have bad arthritis in my neck which makes rock climbing painful for me. But I still snowboard. But since I gave up rock climbing, he has complained constantly that I don't do it with him. We do have a lotto other interests in common, but Rock climbing is his main focus. He will buy me all kinds of gear so that I can do things with him, so the gifts he gives me often serve him, in a way. I have other interests, like running, going to the gym (weightlifting), and drawing/painting, and I also love my job, so I put a lot of time into that. Whenever I try to get him to do things that I like, he refuses. I feel like he wants a clone of himself as a wife sometimes. It's just heartbreaking because we had a really great friendship, we used to do all kinds of things together. We snowboarded, and I even took up golf, which we loved, but we were so bad at it that we gave up. But we had a blast trying. We have very similar values, a similar sense of humor, and I do love being social with him. I just need more time alone to recharge than he does.
> 
> ...


Once you get through the uncertainty and stress of separating and accepting your new life path, I think you are going to be amazed at how happy and light-hearted you feel!! I think you will be able to breathe freely for the first time in a long time, and it will feel wonderful for you! You sound like you have felt ignored and unloved for too long, and I know from experience that being in a relationship and feeling lonely and invisible is so much worse than being single and alone. Your life is changing for the better!!!

Take a little time to process and accept what is happening, but then EMBRACE it as a gift that is only going to improve your life! And if you are eventually able to find someone who thinks YOU are terrific just the way you are, and actually cares about YOU, you will be so grateful that your STBX took the first step to end your unhappy marriage and gave you the chance to find real happiness with someone else!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I don’t have any advice but you sound like a great person.

I realized over lockdown even more than usual that a lot of my behavior is quite selfish. Perhaps like your husband in a way. My wife is also selfish, so in a way it kind of works; however I wouldn’t be here if things were all rainbows and sunshine. I decided to make an effort to be less selfish and give some of my time towards things my wife likes to do (even though they’re really time consuming).

I’m slightly older than you and I can say that I never even considered doing some of the stuff I have done with her before the pandemic (been married over 20 years). I would have sent her off to do it with friends or even by herself. The pandemic made me re-think my priorities.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Regarding the extrovert thing, aside from "doing" things, what about thoughts? Would you consider either himself or yourself to be an introvert in terms of sharing your feelings? Are there things you feel he has hidden from you, or you from him?

What brought you to each other? Were there prior failed & painful relationships, patterns trying to be avoided yet repeated? Does anything going on now feel familiar, like you've been here before?

Kids. No kids. Which is FINE!!! But not exactly the norm. Was it always the plan to not have kids? Is there any feeling of resentment by either of you over that? 

Sex. This may be a record for number of words in a TAM thread about a failing relationship without a single mention of intimacy & sex. Any changes over time, was it always good, was it always not important etc?


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## Mezman (Dec 12, 2020)

Im sorry you find yourself in this situation, the pandemic has hit everyone hard, but for those us who rely on connecting with others to meet our emotional needs, its been especially hard.

If he is depressed, MC will be next useless, it was for me. I hope that he finds his way back to you, it does sound like your relationship was very special at one time. 

The midlife transition could also be at play here. My only advice for you is to look after your own needs and be kind to yourself.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Misskitness said:


> Wow, thank you everyone for your replies. It's nice to know that random strangers are willing to lend me some support and advice.
> 
> In all honesty, I have been very unhappy in the relationship for years, and have told him as much, and also told him why I was unhappy. The unhappiness comes from his criticism and his need to control everything around him. He likes everything to be a certain way; organized, efficient, with all the i's dotted and the t's crossed. When things are not that way, he gets exasperated and rude. I am a lot more easygoing, and I admit I could use a little help with organization sometimes. He also have specific interests--mostly rock climbing and snowboarding, that he wants me to do with him. I tried both, and liked both, but I have bad arthritis in my neck which makes rock climbing painful for me. But I still snowboard. But since I gave up rock climbing, he has complained constantly that I don't do it with him. We do have a lotto other interests in common, but Rock climbing is his main focus. He will buy me all kinds of gear so that I can do things with him, so the gifts he gives me often serve him, in a way. I have other interests, like running, going to the gym (weightlifting), and drawing/painting, and I also love my job, so I put a lot of time into that. Whenever I try to get him to do things that I like, he refuses. I feel like he wants a clone of himself as a wife sometimes. It's just heartbreaking because we had a really great friendship, we used to do all kinds of things together. We snowboarded, and I even took up golf, which we loved, but we were so bad at it that we gave up. But we had a blast trying. We have very similar values, a similar sense of humor, and I do love being social with him. I just need more time alone to recharge than he does.
> 
> ...


You don't sound devastated. I'm so glad. But obviously sad about your marriage ending. I understand.

Read @LisaDiane's post again, and then again. Let it sink in. It will be worth it. To quote the aunt of ChumpLady, your "walls will sing" once you unload this burden. You didn't want the divorce, but you'll get through it and come out the better for it.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Regarding the extrovert thing, aside from "doing" things, what about thoughts? Would you consider either himself or yourself to be an introvert in terms of sharing your feelings? Are there things you feel he has hidden from you, or you from him?
> 
> What brought you to each other? Were there prior failed & painful relationships, patterns trying to be avoided yet repeated? Does anything going on now feel familiar, like you've been here before?
> 
> ...


I think my husband doesn't know how to understand his feelings. I grew up with a therapist as a mom, so I learned early on how to articulate my feelings, and to be honest, I am so grateful for it. My husband is very reactive, meaning when he has strong feelings he just "reacts"--angry outbursts like road rage. Never at me, just at stupid stuff, in my opinion. When he can't get something right, when other people do stupid things. One time he got so pissed while snowboarding that he unbuckled the board and just threw it, and it ended up sliding down the hill toward a line of people. Like he just doesn't think about how his moods and actions affect others around him. But that anger has to come from somewhere, as well as his bad moods, which he has a lot. Because I am his wife, I see all the bad moods, things he would normally keep to himself. Around others, he is wonderful--funny, playful, smart, talkative. Everyone loves him. SO he is able to cover the dark feelings when he is in a social situation or when he is doing something exciting or doing a project. I often think that those moods have nothing to do with me, but he attributes them to me because he can express them in the space we share. For years he told me that his ****ty state of had nothing to do with me, even as recently as the summer. Now, he says that the moods are because of the relationship, and he doesn't think he is cut out for marriage. 

What brought us together was chemistry and a ton of similar beliefs and interests. We are both sort of spiritual, we are both artists (he does more digital stuff, I do more fine art), we LOVE nature and the outdoors, we would spend time together hiking, camping, laughing. We are both environmentalists at heart, and so we are conscious of our choices and how they effect the earth--like I don't eat land animals mostly because of the carbon footprint, things like that. We both like yoga. He has introduced me to some of my closest friends, because he is a friend magnet, which helped me to meet people I otherwise wouldn't have. We both used to be in the rave scene in the late 90's. I've known him for over 20 years (married 9, together 12, but friends for years prior). We love animals, and would give imaginary voices to the squirrels outside. We would go for walks in town and get drinks. We just had a lot of fun, we had good sex, it was just...good. He was the person I wanted to go home to. We just enjoyed each other. 

We have great chemistry, or we had great chemistry, but now he hardly looks at me straight in the eyes so I feel disconnected sexually. We also haven't had a lot of sex since the pandemic. He can be annoying sexually, in that he he wants me to "put on a show," like visually stimulate him, but that just makes me feel stupid. Honestly, I really do enjoy sex with him a lot, but it has dwindled over time because I want him to touch me and get me interested--then I might WANT to put on a show. Sometimes he does, and it's great, but currently he doesn't want to have sex. And I am not an ugly or unattractive woman. It's weird. 
I haven't admitted this to anyone but I have hardly ever had an orgasm with him during sex. I take antidepressants, so it is really hard for me to orgasm, so it isn't his fault, really. Throughout my life I have discovered that I orgasm when a person is well-endowed, and my husband is average, not small, just average. I didn't want to let that determine my partner, but I realize that it might be more important than I wanted to admit. 

I just feel that he found people he would rather hang out with, that I am just not all that interesting to him anymore. Over time, we did things just the two of us less and less. we were always in groups, which is nice, but also sort of weird. You can't keep a relationship good if you don't take the time to bond with them and show interest. If he took more time to really appreciate me and the good qualities I have, and controlled his moods around me so our interactions were not so strained, I think we would be in a better place. He has gotten somehow darker, less patient, more judgmental. I know it takes two to make a relationship successful, but I have been trying to get us into therapy for a while, I have been telling him ways that he could make the relationship better, but he would say that it was just me, that he is happy with the way things are. It was just so confusing because I could read his moods, and I knew there was something wrong, but he could never really explain what he was feeling at the time. He would just be a snot. When I first met his mom, she said, "you know he's a brat, right?" and at the time, I laughed it off. But now I think I see what she means. 

Oh, and as for kids--I never wanted my own. I just never had the urge, kids, especially babies, repulse me. It's strange, because I teach teenagers, and I LOVE THEM. But little kids just seem like aliens to me. My husband feels the same. As I tell people, there's already too much traffic. I don't want to add to it. There's just too many people, and the earth can't really handle it. If you can't tell, I am an environmentalist first and foremost, and I worry about where the earth is headed, in that sense. Overall I felt like my life was better served elsewhere. My husband feels the same way. 

I do think there is a pattern of me being interested in extroverted, funny, but somehow distant men. At the time, I would never have thought of my husband as distant. Do I somehow repel people? I don't think so, because I usually end relationships--this is one of the first relationships where the other person wants to end things. But my dad was distant, maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know. 

I'm just disappointed. I really thought we worked well. It's crazy how things can shift over time. 
Oh my god, I am so sorry I am writing so much. I guess I need to process. I don't want to lose him, I just want the old him back. And I don't want to MOVE!! argh! 

Thanks again everyone.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Hiner112 said:


> Besides buying the house has there been any other major changes in your lives? Do you know what triggered the pulling away?


Not really, but he has taken the pandemic really hard. We live in an area that was hard hit early on, and in March he was having full on panic attacks. I had NEVER seen him like that. His best friend has an organic farm in a different state 10 hours away, he wanted to go there to feel safer (and to ride out the pandemic with the people that live there, it's a pretty special place). SO, in literally one day we packed up a bunch of necessary things, including our pets, and drove up to the farm and only stopped once on the whole way. We packed for 2-3 weeks...but I stayed there until August, and he came back in October. Our mutual friends have said he's been really weird as well. He gets extremely upset if he thinks one of us has been exposed. So, you can see that he has been really affected. He says that the experience of the pandemic has helped him to realize that he is no longer in love with me, that he was in denial of it before because he didn't want to hurt me. 
I noticed a shift when I told him I didn't want to move to a different state until I can retire in ten years. He took that hard also. He doesn't want to be in this area anymore.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Would you say it's possible he may be on the autism spectrum?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

There's a strong basis for an LTR but sounds like he's begun to fall into some sort of mental illness. Regarding your own anti-depressants, how long have you been on them? Do you think it possible they dull your empathic abilities? This is something people don't pay much attention to; I've seen people on anti-depressants become more functional but also less perceptive. If he's spiraling into some sort of mental illness, someone on anti-depressants might not be in the best place to help. Maybe. Just shooting from the hip here, and projecting things from my own relationship with my wife, who is on anti-depressants and really can't "read" someone at all.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Misskitness said:


> Hi Everyone. I am new here, this is my first post. Going through a very difficult time. My husband (45) and I (43) have been married for almost 9 years, together for 12. We have had some issues for the past few years, and he has slowly pulled away from me. We generally get along when the conversations are light, but he can be a very difficult person to deal with at times, because he can be very moody and often lacks empathy.
> 
> The pandemic has been very hard for him, he has been dealing with a lot of anxiety because of it. And this summer, I had a bit of a meltdown because I felt like he has pulled away more and more and I can't reach him emotionally. Since then, he has been even more distant, and the other weekend, he told me he is not in love with me anymore, and in many ways wants to be alone so he can do his own things, that he "isn't cut out for marriage." We do not have children, so that isn't a factor in getting him to work on things, and I fear that he will just give up.
> 
> ...


Hi,
Sorry to read this. I have never been in a relationship with a man and never been a woman, so I cannot offer much. Excuse me if I am way off.
I can say what the hardest parts of lockdown can be. Mansplaining is real, IMO, which is why the Politics forum is full of men. Women are just the same, but express it domestically. In an orthodo straight relationship, a woman will unburden on the man (listening to complaints, reassurance, accepting the role of the baddie) and the man lets it out somewhere else. Being locked in means the man is stuck in an environment where he is wrong, takes extra emotional burden and at the same time has no outlet. 
He seems to rely on getting out physically and socially. Without being able to lean on him, you broke.
The more I read on this thread, the more deeply sympathetic I am to you. 
Of course, fixing this relies on him wanting to. That is, sadly, not something you can control.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Misskitness said:


> Not really, but he has taken the pandemic really hard. We live in an area that was hard hit early on, and in March he was having full on panic attacks. I had NEVER seen him like that. His best friend has an organic farm in a different state 10 hours away, he wanted to go there to feel safer (and to ride out the pandemic with the people that live there, it's a pretty special place). SO, in literally one day we packed up a bunch of necessary things, including our pets, and drove up to the farm and only stopped once on the whole way. We packed for 2-3 weeks...but I stayed there until August, and he came back in October. Our mutual friends have said he's been really weird as well. He gets extremely upset if he thinks one of us has been exposed. So, you can see that he has been really affected. He says that the experience of the pandemic has helped him to realize that he is no longer in love with me, that he was in denial of it before because he didn't want to hurt me.
> I noticed a shift when I told him I didn't want to move to a different state until I can retire in ten years. He took that hard also. He doesn't want to be in this area anymore.


Blimey. I see. Please, ignore my last post.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> There's a strong basis for an LTR but sounds like he's begun to fall into some sort of mental illness. Regarding your own anti-depressants, how long have you been on them? Do you think it possible they dull your empathic abilities? This is something people don't pay much attention to; I've seen people on anti-depressants become more functional but also less perceptive. If he's spiraling into some sort of mental illness, someone on anti-depressants might not be in the best place to help. Maybe. Just shooting from the hip here, and projecting things from my own relationship with my wife, who is on anti-depressants and really can't "read" someone at all.


This is interesting, and I can see how that could happen. I don't think I fall into that category, but then again, I cannot give an objective opinion. I do know that I have always been very good at reading people's emotions, almost too good--in that I absorb them like a sponge and tend to reflect them back sometimes. Before I got on antidepressants, that was one of my biggest issues--being overly sensitive to all the emotional energies around me, and not quite knowing how to make sense of them. I would often take it personally and then feel crushed. Now I can be a lot more objective. When he's in a bad place, I feel it in my soul, kind of, but I want to connect to him and offer some sort of understanding and support. I try to ask him how he's doing, if he wants to talk about things, but he doesn't seem to respond in a way that makes sense. He sort of brushes it off and changes the subject a lot of the time. To be honest, in therapy is the first time he has been talking in a way that makes sense to me, because he is just opening up more and being honest.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Mr The Other said:


> Blimey. I see. Please, ignore my last post.


why? because we weren't really stuck together like a lot of couples were? We were, just in a very different way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Misskitness said:


> ave other interests, like running, going to the gym (weightlifting), and drawing/painting, and I also love my job, so I put a lot of time into that. Whenever I try to get him to do things that I like, he refuses. I feel like he wants a clone of himself as a wife sometimes. It's just heartbreaking because


Sorry it has come to this but it is better to make the cut swiftly rather than drag it out. Let him know what you are planning. Start doing things for yourself, you can also have a great life doing what YOU want to do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Misskitness said:


> Not really, but he has taken the pandemic really hard. We live in an area that was hard hit early on, and in March he was having full on panic attacks. I had NEVER seen him like that. His best friend has an organic farm in a different state 10 hours away, he wanted to go there to feel safer (and to ride out the pandemic with the people that live there, it's a pretty special place). SO, in literally one day we packed up a bunch of necessary things, including our pets, and drove up to the farm and only stopped once on the whole way. We packed for 2-3 weeks...but I stayed there until August, and he came back in October. Our mutual friends have said he's been really weird as well. He gets extremely upset if he thinks one of us has been exposed. So, you can see that he has been really affected. He says that the experience of the pandemic has helped him to realize that he is no longer in love with me, that he was in denial of it before because he didn't want to hurt me.
> I noticed a shift when I told him I didn't want to move to a different state until I can retire in ten years. He took that hard also. He doesn't want to be in this area anymore.


Who is the main earner for you two?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ah, anti-depressants... godsend and pure evil at the same time... do you think your relationship dynamic changed after you started taking them? Sounds to me you lost that 
spontaneity he really loved. But I could be wrong. It happened with my wife. They were good for her, but a disaster for our relationship.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> ah, anti-depressants... godsend and pure evil at the same time... do you think your relationship dynamic changed after you started taking them? Sounds to me you lost that
> spontaneity he really loved. But I could be wrong. It happened with my wife. They were good for her, but a disaster for our relationship.


No, because I have been taking them for quite a while before I started dating him. And believe me, I am a WAY better person since taking them, everything in my life changed for the better. Sexually, it definitely has an effect, which is frustrating. But like I said, I have been on these meds for such a long time that my husband doesn't know me any other way. Since 2005.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

aine said:


> Sorry it has come to this but it is better to make the cut swiftly rather than drag it out. Let him know what you are planning. Start doing things for yourself, you can also have a great life doing what YOU want to do.


I would like to try talking it out for a bit before making any big decisions, especially since we are still in this crazy pandemic that hit my husband hard emotionally. I don't know what willl come of the talking it out part, but I do hope it brings us clarity.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Misskitness said:


> No, because I have been taking them for quite a while before I started dating him. And believe me, I am a WAY better person since taking them, everything in my life changed for the better. Sexually, it definitely has an effect, which is frustrating. But like I said, I have been on these meds for such a long time that my husband doesn't know me any other way. Since 2005.


that was a potential reason I'm happy it's not relevant... I guess you will have to wait until the pandemic is over... no point in doing anything now. Maybe when your husband realises what he is going to lose, he will see the light...


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> that was a potential reason I'm happy it's not relevant... I guess you will have to wait until the pandemic is over... no point in doing anything now. Maybe when your husband realises what he is going to lose, he will see the light...


thank you. I really appreciate that people are willing to take the time to read my posts.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Update: we are breaking up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Misskitness said:


> Update: we are breaking up.


uh... did he agree to this? Or you just "told" him?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I think that's best.

You can't wait forever for him to make up his mind. 

Who knows how long this pandemic is going to last. Were you going to wait 6, 12 months? That's not fair to you.

It seems he knows what he wants. And you don't have to keep up with him anymore. To tell you the truth, his level of activity and social interaction sounds exhausting to me! 

Focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy. You sound like a really nice woman. 

If your husband doesn't appreciate you, that's his loss.


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

we were in therapy and it was just really clear he wasn’t in it anymore. And I haven’t been happy either, probably because I knew deep down that he wasn’t in love and that knowledge conflicted with the fact that he kept saying he didn’t want to break up.
I’m just sad because I really do/did love this person, and it sort of feels like he shut a door suddenly—even though deep down I knew we weren’t going to make it.
It’s going to be really hard to unravel our ties. I’m scared of making mistakes financially, or that we will hurt each other more.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m sorry to hear this, but it really sounds like it was very much all about him... his hobbies, his pace, his way or no way?? I think you sound lovely and it sounds like he really is... a brat. I don’t like mad-mouthing spouses but it really does sound like bratty behaviour and I don’t think your antidepressants have had any affect - you show remarkable insight into your own situation. I wish you the best of luck & do hope it ends quietly and quickly


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## Misskitness (Dec 17, 2020)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m sorry to hear this, but it really sounds like it was very much all about him... his hobbies, his pace, his way or no way?? I think you sound lovely and it sounds like he really is... a brat. I don’t like mad-mouthing spouses but it really does sound like bratty behaviour and I don’t think your antidepressants have had any affect - you show remarkable insight into your own situation. I wish you the best of luck & do hope it ends quietly and quickly


Thank you for the reply. I'm just so sad and scared of untangling my life from his, because he really has been such a solid rock for me. Every little thing brings memories and connections to mind. I am going to miss him so much, even though I know we probably aren't meant to stay together. I hate this.


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