# Guys - what makes you feel special and supported?



## IsabelleVane (Jan 30, 2009)

Hi guys!

I'm a gal looking for some guy advice here. 

My partner and I have been having a rough time lately. We're both professionals in our 30s, making about the same amount of money each and both working full time. No kids in the picture. We've been together fifteen years and he's the most important thing in the world to me, and I try to do things to make him feel special every day - I am sole driver, I do all his washing and ironing, I do all the shopping. I'm a pretty good cook, and I make him a gourmet meal three or four nights a week, and something homecooked and healthy the rest of the time. He never cooks or shops or organizes anything around he house. I love sex and I'm happy to dress up for him, and I try to buy nice lingerie that he likes. I'm fairly confident in the bedroom, but I have said no when he's suggested some things I'm not comfortable with. 

I try to be there to listen to him talk about his feelings, and though he doesn't do this often, I think I did a pretty good job last year when he was off work for four months with depression (I worked from home, so he wouldn't feel lonely etc., I went to the docs with him so he'd have someone there etc.) I try to surprise him with nice gifts on birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas, though he rarely makes the same effort back.

However, he is constantly angry with me. It's there, right beneath the surface all of the time, and leaps out if we ever disagree about anything, however minor. He says he feels that I do not love him and that I don't give him any emotional support, and that all the practical things I do don't 'count' as support. This makes me feel resentful and hurt. That said, I'm by no means perfect - I'm a fiery redhead with a temper on me, and sometimes I do get annoyed when I've been on my feet ironing and washing for four hours and he's playing a computer game. I do sometimes point out all the things I do for him, even though I know it's not helping the situation. I think this makes him feel bad. 

So I have two questions:

What is it I'm not giving him that he needs? 
Am I being too much of a doormat? Would he be nicer to me if I got tougher?

Please help me understand!
Izzy x


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

Maybe you are being too much like his mother (minus the sex stuff hopefully) 

Do you ever talk about what you both want or need from each other?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

To answer the thread question - quality time (see The Five Love Languages) and words of affirmation. 

Being off work for a while is depressing (I was off for nearly a year after a move across country). 

As for all the work you do around the house - WOW! I'd see if there isn't something he could do to help. If not ironing, how about folding clothes. If not cooking, how about shopping for it. 

Personally, I'd prefer healthy meals most of the time rather than gourmet ones. 

It may be that you are not giving him what he needs, but you certainly are giving a lot! Read The Five Love Languages (I forget author offhand), it's not a very think book. It may give you some insight to your communications.


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## Mr Mom (Feb 10, 2009)

My thought here is that he is taking the little things that you do for granted. It's one of those 'don't know what you've got until it's gone' scenario's. Does he thank you for the little things you do ? 
Just a thought but if asked him to help you fold a few loads clothes (together) or to help you prepare dinner by cutting up some vege's, his participation with YOU may make him feel like he contributed toward the effort. 
I don't think you are a doormat at all. If you are then I am as a husband. The roles are reversed on this end. 
This is just an opinion - If you include him with more things, and Thank him for his effort, he will realize the amount of work you do amd may be more willing to reciprocate.


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## Verbal (Feb 16, 2009)

My wife is fiery too, so I'll tell you what I know. 
At times her opinions have been too critical of my ideas and plans. I remember one time I was super excited about some business. She immediately put me down. Of course she did it to protect me from burning, but actually put out my fire. Try to find things he is passionate about and be encouraging, no matter how stupid they are. Try to find out, for example, how is he doing in his gaming and if at all possible, try understanding the mayor rules of the game to get more involved.
The only way I can see to get him to help in house chores is by giving him a to do list and then complementing him when he gets to it. It will only get you so far, but at least he'll do something around the house.


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

I think dcrim is correct-the five love languages would be very helpful. My husband "does" alot of stuff for me but isn't very verbal/emotional etc. so I feel unloved which he can't understand. While I'd rather talk and get closer he says the best thing I can do to show I love him is cook him dinner. I'm verbal-he's acts of service. Does he react when you tell him you love him ?or when you touch him? It helps to know each others language cause if you don't start using it he won't feel you love him.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

What makes me feel loved is when she does things for me with the passion of WANTING to do them, vs the attitude that its a chore and she'd rather be doing something else.

This is most important with sex. When she WANTS to be in bed with me, vs is just putting out to shut me up, I feel loved and desired. Same with when she does chores or helps pay for stuff, or makes me food.


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## fly_guy (Mar 26, 2009)

I saw it mentioned a few times about supporting passions of his. Is this something you do not do out of curiousity?

My wife and I have had this issue with my love of aviation. I have worked 3 years die hard towards being able to get a career in the field. When we were finally approaching the goal my wife went from supportive to absolutely anti-anything that had to do with it. I can tell you it nearly ripped us apart.

Most men like to be "men." We want to be the heroes. I think a lot of times some men "settle" for careers, etc in life and they feel drained. Finding something he is passionate about and supporting him may really change his moods. He doesn't sound like he has a positive outlook and if he's dealt with depression in the past then doing so may be much harder.

I'd really push him to find a passion. I've watched some of the worst men become extraordinary men just by finding their vocation in life.

Everything else... makes me jealous of him haha. Gourmet meals for a jerk? (No offense to him hehe.) Sounds like you've married my brother! His wife is in a very similar position. Just keep up the work and kudos to you for sticking in there!


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