# Please help - need some advice, thoughts etc



## concernedman (Sep 5, 2012)

Hi all,

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 8. Have never cheated and we were totally happy until a year ago when she developed a bowel disease. 

Basically over the course of a year she slipped into a massive depression pushing me further and further away until she's basically shut me out. She won't go for help, won't take any anti depressant medication or accept help from anybody. We haven't had sex for months, and even then it wasn't caring - she just wasn't into it. We havent even kissed for about a year. 

Zero passion, zero love (although she tells me occasionally she still loves me).

I pleaded with her daily for about 7 months to get some form of help, to talk to somebody etc - but she's treated me and her family & friends like trash, she now has no friends.

We started arguing almost daily about 5 months ago and I ended up in hospital with stress and anxiety from it all.

Anyway, enough was enough, I tried all I could and in the end arranged for her to move in with her parents. she went about 3 weeks ago, but i still see her almost daily (as we work together).

Anyway, for me I am really enjoying the time apart and started getting friends with a woman. Within 2 weeks we know each other so well and it's like we've known each other all our lives. It was just friends until a couple of days ago when we had sex. 

But now I feel guilty and so confused. I don't know what to do and know it was wrong. I can't confess it to my wife as she's that depressed I know she will attempt suicide.

She has actually finally agreed to go for prefessional help (yesterday she said she would), so thats good. But I just don't know if I can go back to how things were now. I do still love her and we have such great history, but after the past year and whats happened in the last few days I just do not know what to do

Any thoughts? I really appreciate it.

John


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

concernedman said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 8. Have never cheated and we were totally happy until a year ago when she developed a bowel disease.
> 
> ...


Hi, John, and welcome. I'm at work so I don't have much time, but I will respond later. Just wanted you to know someone is listening, and to move your thread up. 

Take care.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Cheating is NEVER ok. But I will get back to that.

Love isn't enough to keep you together, which you clearly know as your wife has moved out. Have you discussed divorce with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

concernedman said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 8. Have never cheated and we were totally happy until a year ago when she developed a bowel disease.
> 
> ...


Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, John. 

First of all, do you really want to go back to the way things were? Doesn't sound like it was great. My husband and I are reconciling and neither of us wants things back the way they were. If things had been good, he wouldn't have left me for another woman. Things have to be better than in the past, and we are both ready to put the work into making them so. 

Second, you need to make a decision, a couple actually. You say you love your wife. You also say that it was as if you and the other woman (OW) had known each other all of your lives. Is it over? Because that's the first thing you have to decide. If its not, you will only hurt your wife more if you get back with her, but continue the relationship with OW. 

The other thing you need to decide if the other relationship is over is do you love your wife enough to commit the the time and energy to building a strong marriage? If the answer is yes, then ask if she will go to marriage (MC) with you. If she won't, and she may not until she has dealt with the depression, go alone. Get some individual counselling(IC) yourself. Living with a depressed person takes a toll, as you have discovered. In fact, it may be better if you each work on yourself first before trying to repair the marriage.

I'm sure you know that her pulling away and the lack of intimacy were symptoms off the edprepssion. Telling her about your affair at this point will only cause harm. Talk to your counsellor about when and how to tell her. Both of you need to work on yourselves before going there.

My husband was in a similar situation to yours. Stressed to the nth degree, he got involved with someone else. I understand what happened to him and to you. But, Myself is right. Cheating is never okay. In my case, I know that trust has been destroyed and that, even if we can rebuild our relationship, there will always be that fear in my heart that he could stray again. When she eventually knows about what you did, it will be in your wife's heart too. That's the price. And you, me and our spouses will be paying it for the rest of our lives..


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

John 
I dont want to be negative because I know that each situation is different and I applaud you for thinking of your wife and trying to work things out with her for so long. But I must say that cheating is not the answer. 

You either need to cut things off completely with the OW and try to save your marriage or start talking to your wife about divorce if you want to continue your new relationship. 

I apologize if this comes off rudely as that is not my intention but it hits home to closely as my husband left me for another woman with no warning. 

You sound like I very nice man, but you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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