# Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again



## Belltaco (Jul 11, 2016)

*Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


Gather whatever evidence you have, build a little more and confront.

How far does this idiot live from you two ?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage.
> Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on


C'mon.... you know..... I can understand that you don't want to confront. But, please, don't lie to yourself. If you don't want to confront, that is OK. There are many good and plausible reasons why you would not want to confront. You don't need an excuse to choose the RIGHT PATH for your life. 



Belltaco said:


> I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


Again..... this is not the truth. The truth is, you CAN believe, because you ARE believing. Otherwise, you would not be on here asking us what to do.

The truth is, you don't want to believe it. Which, is understandable, completely, by those of us who have BTDT. However, denial of the truth will not serve you, nor your children (if you have them) very well. What WILL serve you and your children well, is for you to choose the RIGHT PATH without regard to your concupiscent partner. I will not dignify her by referring to her as your wife. IMO, she is not. I don't care what some preacher "declared" or what some legal paper says. Your partner has "declared" that she isn't your wife.

The real truth is, she KNOWS that talking to him would end her marriage. The fact that she is talking to him tells another truth.... that is, that she doesn't give a rat's ass about her marriage, and she doesn't respect you as a man, nor especially not as her husband.

There is another truth....and that is, her lack of respect for you is NOT CAUSED BY YOU. It is her own turbid moral character which causes this. Her own damnable selfishness. It is nothing you have done, and nothing you have not done.

What should you do? In my opinion, you should act accordingly to these aforementioned truths.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

"Emotional affair" is such a non-descript term. All it tells you is it is "emotional." Which to me, just means they have emotions - feelings - "in love." Romantic.

But what it usually means is that they are sexual. Very frequently they are sending very raunchy messages about the sex they want, or that they are having. Frequently they send naked or sexy pics. Fairly common they are using the messages and pics to get off, either alone, or together, i.e. cybering.

I am assuming that happened before with her past and current boyfriend. Five years married with one child, and she can't stop being romantically and sexually involved with her boyfriend. And she is not too afraid to do that. But you are afraid to tell her stop.

I will stop short of saying you can never be friends with a past boyfriend from before the marriage, but I will say you can't be friends with a past boyfriend once you've poisoned the well. Which you told her, and I am assuming, she agreed. Yet, here you stand.

The contact itself is the problem. What common interests do they have? That they had sex before your marriage, that they told each other they wanted to have sex again while you were married? That's about it, right?

Here's how this is done. You tell her (1) I know you have contacted your boyfriend. (2) We agreed this was a dealbreaker. (3) I have not decided yet if the fact that you broke our agreement really is a dealbreaker. It may be. (4) You continuing to remain in contact with him WILL be a dealbreaker. (5) What are you going to do to get me to NOT divorce you?

If she denies, says they only talk about his mother who is dying (she will die eventually, right, so that is true), they only talk about the latest sewing techniques, blah, blah, blah - you say "I don't care. You are not giving me any motivation to not divorce you. I have remained faithful, you have not."

Then just let it be. Listen, she is an adult. She has a right to associate with whom she wants. We all do. She can bring the guy into your house and have sex with him on the dining room table. That is her right. That doesn't mean you have to stay with her. You get to decide what is acceptable to you. This is part of any relationship. We may want to still have sex with our old girlfriends, we may like the little boost of her telling our things were so, so special, but we know that this would hurt our spouse, and would result, eventually, in a divorce.

There are some things you can negotiate. Whose family you will visit on Easter or Passover or Thanksgiving. Which type of car you will buy the next time. Watch the NCAA basketball game on TV or the latest episode of the Bachelor. But cheating, in my opinion, is non negotiable.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


Something IS happening. She is talking to her affair partner.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


The problem is you have a wife with no boundaries and no respect for you or your marriage. You apparently know what's going on but are doing nothing. This is the second time around.

I suspect this is who she is. You'll either live a codependent life on her terms or dump her and find someone better.

Why are you so weak and staying with someone like this?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Why don’t you do what you promised her and the marriage stop being a weak pussie and end the marriage. She’s talking to them again because she knows she won’t do s.hit., She has no respect for you at all... Time to show her some strength for once...


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

You did not say you have kids or not.
If you do not have kids and this is her 
second time disrespecting her marriage
and you why spend time gathering information.
TELL HER ENOUGH DIVORCE HER!!
If this is her second time doing this 
there will be a third, maybe others
you just have not caught yet.
NO KIDS DIVORCE
She is not worth the headache and pain!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

What is it that you know for fact? Is he sending her messages? Is she sending him messages? Do you know the content of any messages?

Fwiw, if you don't have kids I would just end the marriage at this point. She has already had an EA with this previous bf, and now she is conversing with several other previous bf's. That would be enough for me. As others have said, this is who she is. Her roadmap on relationships says this is ok behavior, despite her previous EA causing such a problem that you nearly ended the marriage.

One thing is true with cheaters - when they get away with it they learn they can get away with it, so they will do it again. Unless you impose serious consequences on her, she has no reason to change her belief system. Even then she may not change. The fact she is doing this again means she believes that despite you being hurt by it she can do it. She hopes you won't find out, but if you do then she believes you'll let it slide again.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

She is talking to several guys she had past relationships with and NOW is messaging the same guy that almost destroyed your marriage in the past. The guy you told her that any future contact would mean divorce.

She either doesn't think you will actually divorce her or she doesn't care if you do. Either way, she does not care how you feel. This marriage is dead. Bury it.

Her argument will be that she has the right to do what she wants - and she does. You have the right to set boundaries and consequences in the marriage - what you feel is behavior that you cannot live with in a marriage. If she breaks the boundaries you have to be willing to enforce the stated consequences or she will see you as weak and she can walk all over you with impunity.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


No contact with an AP is THE rule for reconciliation.

No need to confront or wait for things to escalate — just divorce.

Gather what evidence you can if you feel the need to have something to throw in her face if and when she melts down upon being served. Either way, you should be talking with attorneys tomorrow.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

It's really hard to be married to this type of person. People with poor boundaries make poor spouses, but you can't make them change. They have to be motivated and it requires real hard work. I'm sorry man.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


If she is talking with him then file for divorce. 

Do not confront her about it. Get everything ready see your lawyer and file. 

When she is served she will know she can’t do what she is and stay married to you. She will be upset and everything but she will also know you are a man of your word and respect you for that.


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

I doubt if this was only an emotional affair. She clearly has no boundaries or respect for you and you don't command any or else you would have addressed it by now.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> *Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again.*


Hmm.
Seems like this would be a marriage ender



Belltaco said:


> * I don’t know what to do.*


Actually, you do.

If talking to that guy again is a condition that would end the marriage, then the marriage *MUST *end.

Here's the actual issue you face.

It's not that she's cheating (again).
It's that you feel you now have to be the bad guy and apply consequences.
You now have to be the one that breaks up the marriage.

This thought process is not even slightly correct!
She knew what the conditions of divorce were.
She knew if she went down this path and talked with him again, then there would be a divorce.
She doesn't respect you enough to not talk to this guy.
She doesn't love you enough to not talk to this guy.
She doesn't care enough to not talk to this guy.
She doesn't believe you'll do anything because *she knows* you are far too weak to actually divorce her.
She knows that you love her far too much to throw away the marriage with her.
She knows she can do what she wants, how she wants, when she wants because she knows she is always in control.

Time to shift paradigms!
Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?


Some of the following is for those that have caught their spouce in a PA, but it still works for your case.

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
14) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
15) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Belltaco, you KNOW what's going on. It's the 180 pal, or continue to be sad.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> A few years ago my wife had an emotional affair that very nearly ended our marriage. In the last few weeks, she’s been talking to a few other guy from her past that she’s had a relationship with in the past. She’s been deleting them as she gets them (I’ve seen a few but mostly just notifications and then the messsges are gone) so I know theyre something she wouldn’t want me to see. *Now.. the guy she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. I don’t know what to do.* I don’t want to confront her unless I know something is going on but I just can’t believe she’s ever even consider talking to him!


You do know what to do. The answer is right there. If she knows it will end the marriage, she expects you to end the marriage. If you don't, she'll respect you even less, if possible, and start screwing him, if she hasn't already.

Quite simple, really.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



manwithnoname said:


> You do know what to do. The answer is right there. If she knows it will end the marriage, she expects you to end the marriage. If you don't, she'll respect you even less, if possible, and start screwing him, if she hasn't already.
> 
> Quite simple, really.


If she isn't making an effort to hide it she wants you to file. She doesn't want to look like the bad guy.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Only one next step here, he her served w divorce paper, you need to show decisive strength and that you will not tolerate such behavior. The divorce process can be stopped any time and will give her a reality check and a chance to get her act together. This is SOP for what's happening, you might regret not having done it in the future..... Dont hesitate ACT

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Double post.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*



Belltaco said:


> Now.. the guy *she knows her talking to again would end our marriage.. she’s talking to again. * I don’t know what to do.


You don't know what to do? You included the answer in your post.

A) You said that she knows that "talking" to him again would end the marriage.
B) Despite knowing this, she talked to him anyway.
C) You end the marriage.

That is, unless you plan on erasing your line in the sand by not giving her that consequence - because she's only talking, maybe not having sex. I wouldn't advice you do that.

You drew a line and she crossed it; because she's not remorseful, doesn't value her marriage, and is likely looking for or involved in another A.

Keep your word. Or for the rest of your marriage (in a false R), it will become meaningless.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Stick to the boundaries you laid down the first time and file for divorce.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Belltaco, if youre right about her talking to this cat, you're married to a woman who can't keep her legs or lip together when it comes to this cat. You may as well admit it. Her hobby, as it were, of conversing with guys she previously fu-----errrrr, had a relationship with, is a little beyond the pale. Her previous "emotional" affair didn't nearly ruin your marriage. Her actions indicate that she's not into you or the marriage enough to shake off her desire for companionship with other guys. You ain't got no marriage when your wife is fawning over other guys and basically giving you the middle finger about it.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

*Re: Wife’s emotional affair nearly ruined marriage.. now she’s talking to him again*

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Like others have said, you do know what you NEED to do. It may not be what you WANT to do.

The answer to your question is entirely up to you. I can totally understand the need to prepare yourself and get all your ducks in a row.

The real question is how much do you really value yourself?

Yeah, it hurts/sucks right now and your future is all destroyed/you can't believe she would do it again, etc.


Bottom line, she is doing it again - it does not matter what they are talking about (but if she is deleting the conversations, its not good).

What you do about it for yourself is totally in your court.

Good luck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Yes, yes, yes...*



Noble1 said:


> Sorry to hear about your situation.
> 
> Like others have said, you do know what you NEED to do. It may not be what you WANT to do.
> 
> ...


Yes to this. And lets face it. She has screwed a number of the, while you were married. I know you don't want to realize that or believe that, but the odds of it not happening are astronomical. 

The thing that you do not realize, and may not for a while, is that when you divorce her and get your balls back, your life is going to change for the better. It will be so much better when you don't have to put up with this crap. 

And then, there will be the ladies, for a time. A wonderful time by the way. And then, with your experience and newly gained knowledge from all of this junk... You will find a wonderful woman. Like I did. 

It is a world of difference...


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