# What Kills a Man's Sex Drive?



## nice777guy

So many threads around here about women complaining that they don't have enough sex.

And yet "generally" men are supposed to be the hornier of the two genders.

What is it that turns a man off sexually? 

I guess I could understand a woman being turned off by a selfish "one pump chump." But men - we're too easy. Barring any health problems, we are almost guaranteed to have an orgasm no matter how bad or inept our lover may be.

How does something that feels so fantastic come to be viewed almost as just another chore for some of us?


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## Deejo

I wonder if the snuffing out of the fire in the belly piece has to do with it.

I would also surmise that performance anxiety and ED issues can have a huge impact as well.


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## JustAGirl

Deejo said:


> I wonder if the snuffing out of the fire in the belly piece has to do with it.
> 
> I would also surmise that performance anxiety and ED issues can have a huge impact as well.


*Well....get the hell over it! We need SEX! lol*
Seriously, if we can get fat and birth children, have stretch marks and our boobs sag and want sex....trust me...you guys can deal w/performance anxiety and ED issues!

just sayin'


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> I wonder if the snuffing out of the fire in the belly piece has to do with it.
> 
> I would also surmise that performance anxiety and ED issues can have a huge impact as well.


The "snuffing" makes sense if the guy is too nice and the woman is uninterested. But there are a lot of VERY interested women not getting their needs met. Unless these women are leaving out the part about the strap-on they want to use, then I just don't get it.

Perf. Anx and ED - "talk to your doctor and see if (insert one of 5 different drug names here) is right for YOU". A bunch of scientists who couldn't get it up got some huge grants from wealthy old men who couldn't get it up and found a cure!

I just remember as a horny young kid/man watching "Married with Children" - and Al Bundy complaining when his wife wanted to have sex. It made NO sense to me then. But now, I kind of get the joke.

And as men - isn't the generalization that we remove emotions from the equation at least partially true?

I'm wondering if I'm going to get anyone to really open up here. To admit you sometimes see sex as a chore, or that you've lost your fire, is probably hard to own up to.


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## Deejo

Depression, stress, alocohol, drugs, and nagging wives can also be contributing factors.

JustAGirl, you illustrate another big one ... they just aren't attracted to their partner any more.


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> I'm wondering if I'm going to get anyone to really open up here. To admit you sometimes see sex as a chore, or that you've lost your fire, is probably hard to own up to.


I *never* see it as a chore, but my husband certainly must....And the thing I don't understand is how he exclaims how good it is (when we would have sex) one yr is was FOUR times! It's been a few months now (I used to keep up, now I don't care-take care of myself) *sigh* oh well :scratchhead:


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## JustAGirl

Deejo said:


> Depression, stress, alocohol, drugs, and nagging wives can also be contributing factors.
> 
> JustAGirl, you illustrate another big one ... they just aren't attracted to their partner any more.


haha I wasn't talking about me....

Depression=get help/meds (we do)
stress=work out...hell HAVE SEX (great stress reducer)
alcohol=stop/get help
drugs=sstop/get help (or use viagra)
nagging=put something in her mouth to shut her up...a credit card will work!
LOL

I'm only half kidding


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## nice777guy

JustAGirl said:


> And the thing I don't understand is how he exclaims how good it is (when we would have sex)


Exactly!

There have been plenty of times I wasn't in the mood, but you get in the mood pretty easily if you just start to go through the motions. Fake it till you make it! And it doesn't take long until it isn't fake anymore.

I bet for many men with ED ear plugs would be just as effective as any pill they could take!


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## Deejo

JustAGirl said:


> haha I wasn't talking about me....
> 
> Depression=get help/meds (we do)
> stress=work out...hell HAVE SEX (great stress reducer)
> alcohol=stop/get help
> drugs=sstop/get help (or use viagra)
> nagging=put something in her mouth to shut her up...a credit card will work!
> LOL
> 
> I'm only half kidding


Trust me, I'm not arguing with you. I agree. I was in the same position in my marriage that you are in yours.


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## Conrad

nice777guy said:


> Exactly!
> 
> There have been plenty of times I wasn't in the mood, but you get in the mood pretty easily if you just start to go through the motions. Fake it till you make it! And it doesn't take long until it isn't fake anymore.
> 
> I bet for many men with ED ear plugs would be just as effective as any pill they could take!


I will tell you that it really helps to have a woman who hasn't put on 50 pounds.

I can see where nagging and constant criticism would also deflate many a thing.

Boredom is also an enemy.

One thing most don't talk about. When they see the emotional needs of the children put ahead of their own........ and even when the children are not in distress.... the spontaneous search for some "reason" to care for the kids....

You know what I'm driving at.

When is playtime?


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## Conrad

JustAGirl said:


> haha I wasn't talking about me....
> 
> Depression=get help/meds (we do)
> stress=work out...hell HAVE SEX (great stress reducer)
> alcohol=stop/get help
> drugs=sstop/get help (or use viagra)
> nagging=put something in her mouth to shut her up...a credit card will work!
> LOL
> 
> I'm only half kidding


The credit card isn't what I have in mind.


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## nice777guy

Children definitely can kill the opportunity - but having children shouldn't kill the desire as well, right? At least not in men...



Conrad said:


> I will tell you that it really helps to have a woman who hasn't put on 50 pounds.
> 
> I can see where nagging and constant criticism would also deflate many a thing.
> 
> Boredom is also an enemy.
> 
> One thing most don't talk about. When they see the emotional needs of the children put ahead of their own........ and even when the children are not in distress.... the spontaneous search for some "reason" to care for the kids....
> 
> You know what I'm driving at.
> 
> When is playtime?


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## Conrad

nice777guy said:


> Children definitely can kill the opportunity - but having children shouldn't kill the desire as well, right? At least not in men...


It doesn't - until they receive the message that they don't matter.

Then, the passive aggressive side starts to seek revenge on the one neglecting them.

The withdrawal of romance/affection leads directly to a shut-down of sex.


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## JustAGirl

Conrad said:


> The credit card isn't what I have in mind.


lol ME EITHER!


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> Children definitely can kill the opportunity - but having children shouldn't kill the desire as well, right? At least not in men...


*pffffffffffffffft* before children, there was my daddy, three brothers, no place to go, not enough time to get completely naked etc....but *THAT* didn't stop him before!


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand again, "just sayin'" lol


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## nice777guy

JustAGirl said:


> I *never* see it as a chore, but my husband certainly must....And the thing I don't understand is how he exclaims how good it is (when we would have sex) one yr is was FOUR times! It's been a few months now (I used to keep up, now I don't care-take care of myself) *sigh* oh well :scratchhead:


So, surely you have a theory. Why do you think *your* husband is avoiding sex?


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> So, surely you have a theory. Why do you think *your* husband is avoiding sex?


Cause he's an *IDIOT*? 

Nah...he has no desire. He's on steroids and he said they made him feel better (he had low test) but I haven't reeped the benefits of his better feelings.

And I too believe that he gets into it and enjoys it BUT I've been the one initiating sex for years and I've stopped. Tired of feeling like I'm forcing myself on him.

It honestly blows my mind....I look better than I ever have. My sex drive is thru the roof and I am open to new things...he just doesn't want to participate...so again, I'm at a loss.

I just can't live the rest of my life like this....everyone is saying, "Work on your marriage"...but because of how I feel or don't feel without intimacy, it's affected every other aspect of our relationship.

*sorry, I don't have a theory* lol


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## nice777guy

JustAGirl said:


> Cause he's an *IDIOT*?


You could be onto something there...


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> You could be onto something there...


Sorry for the delay...I passed out

*tee hee*


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## lbell629

according to my husband who has admitted to not wanting sex with me and not finding me attractive said it has a lot to do with me "being open" with him.


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## JustAGirl

lbell629 said:


> according to my husband who has admitted to not wanting sex with me and not finding me attractive said it has a lot to do with me "being open" with him.


"being open" in what sense?


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I think "open" refers to telling him what she wants and being freaky (use your own definition here...everyone's is different).

Yeah, I can't always figure it out either. I have the same issue, but there is ED, medication, age, and medical issues involved. And apparently the ED is a much bigger issue for him than I thought. For some men, their ability to perform dictates the frequency of having sex. My husband has ED issues, so he says he doesn't want to feel like a failure all the time and that he "has to perform" and I don't understand...he's right - I don't. If you can't do one thing you move onto another.

But...this is a big deal for men, especially those that consider themselves macho and their manly ego is all tied up in what the "little head" is doing, not the big one! And unfortunately I have one of those macho-ego driven men...so, if anyone comes up with a one-size fits all explanation or solution - let me know.


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## michzz

Lots of things can kill a sex drive. More accurately, desire for a spouse.

Communicating that to the one who has killed it is near impossible.

Avoidant behavior ensues.


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## nice777guy

I kind of feel like only half of my question is getting answered.

Do we think men just lose passion for their own woman? Or do some men truly lose their passion?

Some of these men whose wives seem to come here with a genuine interest in reviving their sex lives - has a part of these men died? Has the fire inside of them really gone out? 

Or would they react with passion to the same attention from a DIFFERENT woman or a new relationship without the baggage?


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## Trenton

nice777guy said:


> I kind of feel like only half of my question is getting answered.
> 
> Do we think men just lose passion for their own woman? Or do some men truly lose their passion?
> 
> Some of these men whose wives seem to come here with a genuine interest in reviving their sex lives - has a part of these men died? Has the fire inside of them really gone out?
> 
> Or would they react with passion to the same attention from a DIFFERENT woman or a new relationship without the baggage?


I would guess that it depends on the man with some falling in either or category. Relationships are so freaking complex.


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## JustAGirl

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I think "open" refers to telling him what she wants and being freaky (use your own definition here...everyone's is different).
> 
> Yeah, I can't always figure it out either. I have the same issue, but there is ED, medication, age, and medical issues involved. And apparently the ED is a much bigger issue for him than I thought. For some men, their ability to perform dictates the frequency of having sex. My husband has ED issues, so he says he doesn't want to feel like a failure all the time and that he "has to perform" and I don't understand...he's right - I don't. If you can't do one thing you move onto another.
> 
> But...this is a big deal for men, especially those that consider themselves macho and their manly ego is all tied up in what the "little head" is doing, not the big one! And unfortunately I have one of those macho-ego driven men...so, if anyone comes up with a one-size fits all explanation or solution - let me know.



I totally get what you're saying....
But what do I do when everything he has works just fine...
I'm serious...NO PROBLEMS!
The only problem he is sending me mixed signals.

"I love you"
"You're hot"
Cried when we've talked...I've made it CRYSTAL CLEAR I need sex, love making, getting busy...whatever you wanna call it. 
Nothing....

I think he just lost the lust for life....


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> I kind of feel like only half of my question is getting answered.
> 
> Do we think men just lose passion for their own woman? Or do some men truly lose their passion?


I think I should just be quiet, I'm not helping....


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## Workingitout

Debt & out of control spending.
Weight gain (either party).
Drug/alcohol use.
Lack of intimacy (poor communication).
Depression.
Anger.


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## lbell629

actually he meant more open emotionally - I'm the freaky one out of us two and am willing to try just about anything. And yes, I'm sure it's hard to communicate the fact that you've lost desire for your spouse, because as soon as you do, if that person had any desire for you - you've just killed it and now you're really at an impasse.


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## Deejo

JustAGirl said:


> I think I should just be quiet, I'm not helping....


Of course you are, you actually tagged one of the things we've been talking about - you claimed that you believe he has lost his 'fire in the belly', or passion for life, passion for pursuing you in particular.

You're also helping because we're making a mental note of all of the women posting here who have made themselves hot, desirable and have the libido of a teenage boy, but whose husbands aren't delivering the goods.


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## Therealbrighteyes

My husband would rather play a computer game than have sex with his hot wife. Maybe it's me, maybe it's the fire in his belly. Either way, I am sick of it. Never ever thought I would have thoughts of going elsewhere. I have stood on my soapbox here on this website about how cheaters are cowards ad nasuem. I guess I am a coward then since these thoughts haven't gone away for over a week now.


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## Deejo

Sorry to hear that Brennan.

My advice? Call him on it.
"Seeing as you aren't interested in sex, I'm thinking about looking elsewhere, just wanted to be honest with you." (Again, to give credit where it is due, that line is from MEM)

I said something similar to my then wife (before I came to these boards) she just looked at me disgusted. She was comfortable with her belief that I had the problem for wanting sex, and her not wanting sex was something I should just shut up about, and accept.

If he's got nothing to say to that, then call an attorney before you pull the trigger on an affair.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Deejo,
I did, two nights ago. I just got a blank stare. Divorce is not an option right now. Complicated finances and youngest son. I think he knows he has me over a barrel. I am not a cheater. Right now, I sort of want to be. As I said in another post, had I known 17 years ago what I know now.....I would have given him a different finger. Grrrr.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> You're also helping because we're making a mental note of all of the women posting here who have made themselves hot, desirable and have the libido of a teenage boy, but whose husbands aren't delivering the goods.


These ladies should go out and buy the biggest dildoes they can find - and then go home and use it to beat the $hit out of their husbands!


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## Therealbrighteyes

LOL, NG!
It didn't used to be like this for us. Maybe I changed, he changed, we changed. I do think Conrad was on to something in another thread. I think that in my husband's case he might be withholding as punishment. It's really a passive aggressive crap thing to do. If he is upset or unhappy about something, just come out and say it! I don't think he has a clue what damage he is doing and I certainly don't think that he took me seriously 2 nights ago when I told him he could man up or I would find one. Then again, I am not sure I took myself seriously either. I am not a cheater. Can't stand cheaters. But I have this weird awful feeling I might become one yet I don't want anybody else. So so sad.


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## AFEH

Deejo said:


> Of course you are, you actually tagged one of the things we've been talking about - you claimed that you believe he has lost his 'fire in the belly', or passion for life, passion for pursuing you in particular.
> 
> You're also helping because we're making a mental note of all of the women posting here who have made themselves hot, desirable and have the libido of a teenage boy, but whose husbands aren't delivering the goods.


Mental notes? I've got the email addresses!

Bob


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## Conrad

Brennan said:


> My husband would rather play a computer game than have sex with his hot wife. Maybe it's me, maybe it's the fire in his belly. Either way, I am sick of it. Never ever thought I would have thoughts of going elsewhere. I have stood on my soapbox here on this website about how cheaters are cowards ad nasuem. I guess I am a coward then since these thoughts haven't gone away for over a week now.


I've been there.

Don't do it until you are right with yourself.


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## AFEH

These things obviously work both ways between males and females. When there’s such a strong imbalanced sex drive in the couple something’s going to give. One time I got “you only want me for sex”, wasn’t true but it is psychologically affecting. The partner never initiates, again it affects the psyche. Inside we start to consciously dampen our drive. Not a good thing to do. I got so I felt I was abusing my wife just by having sex with her, strange but true.

What’s the answer? I think “renewal” is needed. And I think oftentimes that only happens when outside of the marriage. Once the flames gone it’s gone no matter how much we try and reignite it.

Bob


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## Therealbrighteyes

Conrad,
I don't think I would/could ever cheat on him. As sick as it sounds, the thoughts are more about revenge, if you will. Kind of a "you have hurt me badly so I will hurt you worse". It's a bad place to be. I am not this person. I want a happy, healthy marriage. I want him!

If you don't mind my asking, did you cheat or was it your former wife/wife? I am trying to understand a mindset here. For me, I just feel alone. Alot of guys I know though don't feel alone, they just feel entitled and cheat with little regard for their spouses. That was the case with my best friend and her former husband. I guess when it comes down to it, there really is no justification for it. Maybe I am fooling myself into thinking it would be okay. 

Right now he is on his computer playing his game blissfully unaware of what I am saying. Two nights ago when we got in to it I asked him if he would be willing to read this site as he knows what it is about. His response...."Why?"


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## MEM2020

Interesting. We have only had that "conversation" twice. I told her I had no interest in pressuring her and would simply get a girlfriend. We could agree to groundrules and I would be discreet. But this was said in a dead serious manner - I was calm and determined. And I thought it was fair. I really do love my W and am not willing to pressure her. And I really do think I deserve a sex life - and am not willing to be celibate. 

Both times the talk produced an extreme and positive reaction. But I was prepared for whatever reaction I got. 




Brennan said:


> LOL, NG!
> It didn't used to be like this for us. Maybe I changed, he changed, we changed. I do think Conrad was on to something in another thread. I think that in my husband's case he might be withholding as punishment. It's really a passive aggressive crap thing to do. If he is upset or unhappy about something, just come out and say it! I don't think he has a clue what damage he is doing and I certainly don't think that he took me seriously 2 nights ago when I told him he could man up or I would find one. Then again, I am not sure I took myself seriously either. I am not a cheater. Can't stand cheaters. But I have this weird awful feeling I might become one yet I don't want anybody else. So so sad.


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## Therealbrighteyes

MEM,
If you sat my husband down he would tell you he is a wonderful husband. I think he really thinks that. We do have sex, just not often and when we do it is me encouraging it. It is humiliating to say the very least. One time I decided to stop. We went for 4 months and then I caved and pretty much begged. He is a great lover and I don't understand this. For a while I thought low testosterone and encouraged him to see a doctor. He never went. Maybe he is depressed but I don't see that come out per se in other areas of his life....other than him giving up hobbies. He is a take charge kind of guy at work, has great friends, is passionate about his sports teams and rock music. So I am left wondering if it is me?

**I wanted to add something I think might be crucial here, he CANNOT separate sex and love. His first experience was awful in that he used the girl for nothing more than sex and broke her heart. He felt really bad about that as she was a friend of his. With girl number 2, he literally did not want sex with her, but she did. They did all kinds of other stuff but not actual sex. When I asked him about that he said that he couldn't because he didn't love her. When we started dating and taking our relationship into a physical one he stated that he didn't want this to be "all about sex". It was weird at the time but maybe telling of the future. So maybe that's it? When we are arguing/having issues his love wanes and his drive goes downhill? Not sure but maybe I am on to something? Is this possible? Does a guys drive go down because of marital issues?**


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## AFEH

Brennan said:


> .... when I told him he could man up or I would find one.confused:


That's definitely a passion killer. Even if there was the remnants of a flame there you took the hosepipe out and totally extinguished it.

What else have you tried?

Bob


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## Therealbrighteyes

Bob,
I didn't exactly phrase it like that but in essence it came out that way. What have I tried? Well, everything. But I did just post something else and maybe that is the crux of our problem. I think his emotions run high when it comes to sex. He has to feel connected to me, in love and close. Perhaps he doesn't feel this. He has told me many times that I am difficult to talk to/with. It is frustrating because the words that come out of his mouth do not match his actions and I call him out on that. Maybe that makes me hostile to him."You're hot", "You are the love of my life", "You are so sexy" but then the actions are he watches television and plays on a computer. TMI....when we are in bed he DOES make me feel that way. He doesn't initiate though.


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## AFEH

Brennan said:


> Bob,
> I didn't exactly phrase it like that but in essence it came out that way. What have I tried? Well, everything. But I did just post something else and maybe that is the crux of our problem. I think his emotions run high when it comes to sex. He has to feel connected to me, in love and close. Perhaps he doesn't feel this. He has told me many times that I am difficult to talk to/with. It is frustrating because the words that come out of his mouth do not match his actions and I call him out on that. Maybe that makes me hostile to him."You're hot", "You are the love of my life", "You are so sexy" but then the actions are he watches television and plays on a computer. TMI....when we are in bed he DOES make me feel that way. He doesn't initiate though.


What's "everything" Brennan?

Bob


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## AFEH

Brennan said:


> Bob,
> I didn't exactly phrase it like that but in essence it came out that way. What have I tried? Well, everything. But I did just post something else and maybe that is the crux of our problem. I think his emotions run high when it comes to sex. He has to feel connected to me, in love and close. Perhaps he doesn't feel this. He has told me many times that I am difficult to talk to/with. It is frustrating because the words that come out of his mouth do not match his actions and I call him out on that. Maybe that makes me hostile to him."You're hot", "You are the love of my life", "You are so sexy" but then the actions are he watches television and plays on a computer. TMI....when we are in bed he DOES make me feel that way. He doesn't initiate though.


Brennan, I think men are much more complicated with sex than women could perhaps ever imagine. I’ll try a bit but it is only my perspective.

I think the generalisation is that a man will bonk anything that moves, well, within reason. Not true. There always has to be some form of connection there. An example. When I was at a sales conference a woman knocked on my bedroom door at 2 in the morning “for a light”. She came in the room in her nightclothes and sat on my bed. She was quite attractive but I just wasn’t interested. Besides I was married and had vowed to myself never to go there again. Now if she had been attractive “to me”, that would have given me a problem.

I’ve had women quite literally chase me in my younger years. Attractive young women. I used to see them coming to where I worked and made myself scarce, they just weren’t attractive to me. And the fact that they were the ones who were doing the chasing made them even less attractive. I had a few sexual relationships with women before I got married but I was always the one doing the choosing and chasing. Or maybe those women let me think I was doing the choosing, I don’t know.

Now my wife on the other hand, brother did she need some chasing. I was immensely attracted to her and I was doing the chasing. For me, to see her was to love her. I mentioned elsewhere that I thought I saw her yesterday walking up the hill to our home. My heart just twanged and I got that feeling just under my ribs that took my breath away and when I realised what had happened my eyes filled with water.

A lot of women seem to think that men aren’t emotional beings. That is so untrue it’s unbelievable. Men are truly passionate beings. Look at all the great artists in the world, the composers, the poets, the philosophers etc. etc. That doesn’t/hasn’t come about by a freak of nature. That stuff comes from the deep passions and deep emotions within Man.

So of course men’s sexual performance is deeply affected by their relationship with their wife and it is in the main their emotional relationship as well as the philosophical side of things. Want to perk a man up? Tell him you appreciate him. But don’t do it glibly and expect a response. Really study your man. Look for what he has done in the past that you appreciate him for and then tell him about it. Be sincere about it and maybe put it in a note or somewhere he’ll find it by surprise. Leave him little notes all over the place over time. Make a campaign of it. Some wives put these things in lunch boxes for example. But it must be sincerely felt by you otherwise it will come across as fake.

I didn’t even think of “sex as sex” with my wife. It isn’t that way for me. If I wanted that I’d go and pull a woman or pay a prostitute, something I’ve never done. For me with my wife it was “making love”. Sure that can be in the kitchen or wherever but it is still making love. It’s a soulful and spiritual connection as well as an emotional and physical connection. It is possession. It is “mine” and nobody else’s. That’s why men get truly distraught when they discover their wife having an affair.

Bob


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## quirky_girl

My husband told me that he was bored with me. That I never listen to him when he tells me about how to improve my appearance. That he is embarrassed to be seen as the stereotypical black man with a fat white wife. 

I feel like crap....but want to give my perspective...I am by no means ugly though I am fat I'm not obese. I weigh the same as when we met. When he has told me how to improve my appearance, he will say "why don't you do things like a lady?" he will constantly compare me to other women...she does this why don't you? [I've addressed this in other threads as well...too many criticisms to post here] Another point i have is that he is not classically attractive though he is attractive to me, i would never tell him how he needs to change his appearance....he is fat, he is bald, he wears glasses, his feet are gross...ugh...

He has a sex drive, he just doesn't want me. I once caught him emailing women on some dating site for one night stands "i'm taken, but am open to women" was his message.... and when the woman didn't write back it was "hey, whats up?" 

i am always sexually available to him and open to anything...if he wants sex and loves my like he says he does...why can't he just do me?


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## Therealbrighteyes

Bob,
Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. How do I reconnect with him? I love him with every fiber of my being. I know he feels the same way about me. We just got so bitter and angry and now do whatever hurts the other the most. I don't know how to fix this.


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## OhGeesh

The key word is uninterested!! I've never been uninterested going on 25 years of sex.

Dont' think I ever will!!


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## AFEH

Brennan said:


> Bob,
> Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. How do I reconnect with him? I love him with every fiber of my being. I know he feels the same way about me. We just got so bitter and angry and now do whatever hurts the other the most. I don't know how to fix this.


Well that sounds like resentment, on both sides. Resentment does kill love and therefore marriages. I discovered resentment can go back years, sometimes decades. Resentment puts a hold on love, passion and generosity. It not only puts a brittle hold on those things it totally blocks anymore coming in. I’ve experienced it my marriage and observed it in others. It is not nice, I think resentment is somehow evil.

What can you do? I cleared myself of resentment towards my wife as we went along in life and stuff happened. I did it by forgiving her. My wife never did forgive me, right until the “bitter end”. She was traumatised after we split up. Righto. I told her often resentment was a killer and showed her what to do to be rid of it. When I finally accepted she couldn’t or wouldn’t I quite literally gave up on her.

I don’t know any other way of being rid of resentment other than through forgiveness. I do know and accept that some people find it impossible to forgive. To me these are “small people”.

There is a new personality disorder being proposed, Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder. This is serious stuff, when bitterness really takes a hold of those unable to forgive. I unfortunately have first hand experience of the consequences when it gets this bad inside a person and I’m thinking of offering help to the psychologist leading the proposal. I witnessed one man taking his own life and 6 others because he was embittered.

But yours is no way near that magnitude of a problem. You are an articulate and healthy woman not only looking for but also wants a solution.

How did I be rid of my resentment? I found a process of forgiveness that worked for me, there are a few on the internet. Then I’d take myself to somewhere quite and peaceful, a village church, private prayer room in a cathedral, some woods, a river anywhere quite and peaceful and then go through my process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for the other person, unless of course they ask for it. Forgiveness is for ourselves simply to prevent us from becoming an embittered person. A person who looks back on “faults” instead of the good. Me I’m far too forward thinking to do that stuff. Sure I am now, it’s trying to sort out 42 years with my wife so I can understand it all, eventually forgive her and move forward with my life.

So write yourself a list consisting of the “offences against you” from the past. Go through the list and forgive him for every offence. Then tell him you want to work through the issues with him, the issues on both sides and if you haven’t as yet take yourselves off to MC.


Bob


----------



## SimplyAmorous

AFEH said:


> A lot of women seem to think that men aren’t emotional beings. That is so untrue it’s unbelievable. Men are truly passionate beings. Look at all the great artists in the world, the composers, the poets, the philosophers etc. etc. That doesn’t/hasn’t come about by a freak of nature. That stuff comes from the deep passions and deep emotions within Man.
> 
> So of course men’s sexual performance is deeply affected by their relationship with their wife and it is in the main their emotional relationship as well as the philosophical side of things. Want to perk a man up? Tell him you appreciate him. But don’t do it glibly and expect a response. Really study your man. Look for what he has done in the past that you appreciate him for and then tell him about it. Be sincere about it and maybe put it in a note or somewhere he’ll find it by surprise. Leave him little notes all over the place over time. Make a campaign of it. Some wives put these things in lunch boxes for example. But it must be sincerely felt by you otherwise it will come across as fake.
> 
> I didn’t even think of “sex as sex” with my wife. It isn’t that way for me. If I wanted that I’d go and pull a woman or pay a prostitute, something I’ve never done. For me with my wife it was “making love”. Sure that can be in the kitchen or wherever but it is still making love. It’s a soulful and spiritual connection as well as an emotional and physical connection. It is possession. It is “mine” and nobody else’s. That’s why men get truly distraught when they discover their wife having an affair.
> 
> Bob


Absolutely beautifully stated. So true. My husband also has talked like this, it is never sex to him, but only "making love". We have cried together while climaxing a couple of times. Truly this is a soulful & spiritual connection, it touches the depths of us. 

BOB- Why in the world did your wife leave, you sound like you have a heart of GOLD ! I don't know your story but the way you talk about her, even after the fact - WOW.


----------



## Deejo

Brennan said:


> Bob,
> I think his emotions run high when it comes to sex. He has to feel connected to me, in love and close. Perhaps he doesn't feel this. He has told me many times that I am difficult to talk to/with. It is frustrating because the words that come out of his mouth do not match his actions and I call him out on that. Maybe that makes me hostile to him."You're hot", "You are the love of my life", "You are so sexy" but then the actions are he watches television and plays on a computer. TMI....when we are in bed he DOES make me feel that way. He doesn't initiate though.


Basically you are telling me that your husband thinks of sex like a chick does. Connection then sex.

The more common male response is sex to feel connection. That is certainly the world I live in and the way I feel.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Bob,
Your words couldn't have been truer to our situation. The resentment goes back many many years. When I found out I was pregnant, scared and in college, the first words out of his mouth was "God, my parents are going to kill me". He never once asked how I felt about all of this!! No, all about OTHER people. Screw me. I do not think I ever forgot that. Really, how could you? To date, I have never felt like a priority in his married life, ever. He says I am but I do not feel it. Just in case you do not know our situation....we met at the age of 9. Hated each other, later became great friends, became best friends, dated others and had sex with others, then started dating each other, started having sex with each other and eventually I got pregnant. We truly love each other...it has however come to a divide. Resentment, anger and bitterness is all I can think about. He just says time and time again to "move past it". He doesn't want to explore a damn thing. I often wonder if we got married because I had his son. It sucks.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Yes, Deejo,
His first, left him feeling like a user and an *******. She was a friend of his and he basically used her for sex. I don't think he has ever reconciled that within himself. He then in essence changed his "moral code" and sex was only to be had in the case of love. I have no idea why this happened. Guilt? She really loved him. 
He is not religious. Granted we met in church but aside from our children being baptised, we haven't set foot in church.


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## AFEH

Brennan said:


> Bob,
> Your words couldn't have been truer to our situation. The resentment goes back many many years. When I found out I was pregnant, scared and in college, the first words out of his mouth was "God, my parents are going to kill me". He never once asked how I felt about all of this!! No, all about OTHER people. Screw me. I do not think I ever forgot that. Really, how could you? To date, I have never felt like a priority in his married life, ever. He says I am but I do not feel it. Just in case you do not know our situation....we met at the age of 9. Hated each other, later became great friends, became best friends, dated others and had sex with others, then started dating each other, started having sex with each other and eventually I got pregnant. We truly love each other...it has however come to a divide. Resentment, anger and bitterness is all I can think about. He just says time and time again to "move past it". He doesn't want to explore a damn thing. I often wonder if we got married because I had his son. It sucks.


That’s the problem with having a memory, stuff stays in them. I once heard a wise man say something like be careful what you let in, you can never get it back out.

And that is true. But there are two types of memory, long term and short term. Stuff first goes into our short term memory, gets a bit sorted out through our thoughts and later in dreams and passes into our long term memory.

But then an offence comes along, we are seriously offended like you were when you told of your pregnancy. Now what happens? If we forgive the person for their offence and I mean truly forgive, it’s not something that can be rescinded, withdrawn, then in time the offence, along with all it’s associated emotions, sometimes traumatic, goes into our long term memory. In a way it is “forgotten” because the offence is no longer in our short term memory.

But those that don’t forgive keep the offences in their short term memory. And in that way they keep the offences “alive”, current. Offences that have now turned into bitterness and resentment are stored up in this way … in the short term memory. How and why people do it is way beyond me, but I know they do do that.

My wife would have won gold medals at the Olympics and been a true world champion with this stuff. I defy anybody to beat her lol. Except her mother of course.

It truly amazed and stunned me how in the heat of a conflict she could bring something up from decades ago that was never ever spoken about in all the time between. And this was “split second stuff”. There was no reflection, introspection or whatever to recall the supposed offence from her long term memory. It was there ready and waiting in her short term memory because she more than likely thought on the real and imagined offences going back decades every single day of her life.

My wife told me she loved me many times. I could never get how on earth she could love me while at the same time have strong anger and dislike for me. I couldn’t do that. I can’t love somebody who I dislike even a little bit and have even a little anger towards. I just can’t do that and if I could I wouldn’t. I much prefer to forgive and let it all go.

Bob


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## AFEH

SimplyAmorous said:


> BOB- Why in the world did your wife leave, you sound like you have a heart of GOLD ! I don't know your story but the way you talk about her, even after the fact - WOW.


I wasn’t going to be a 75 year old man being taken to task yet again over something I did when I was nineteen. That’s just one example of quite a few. Some of the offences I supposedly committed were my wife’s way of denying responsibility for her own behaviour, which is obviously a lot worse. I hope that makes sense and kind of puts it into perspective.

I know quite a few men who didn’t have the balls or whatever to end it when they should have done and spent their old age with a bitterly resentful woman. A woman they’d loved, supported, helped and taken care of all their adult lives. It was truly pitiful to watch.

That wasn’t going to be me. I’d rather be alone and with half the money I had. But I do have other plans just not too sure what they are at the moment. Emotional entanglement with another woman is at the moment a frightening thought for me.

My wife was exceedingly special to me in many ways. But I couldn’t love a bitter and resentful woman, not after all I’d done for her over the years. I’d deserved one heck of a lot more than that.

Bob


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## AFEH

Deejo said:


> Basically you are telling me that your husband thinks of sex like a chick does. Connection then sex.
> 
> The more common male response is sex to feel connection. That is certainly the world I live in and the way I feel.


How about a blow up doll? Just a thought to make a point.

Sometimes we're not truly aware, conscious of what goes on inside of us and what it is that drives us.

Bob


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## Trenton

Bob, If I weren't married already I would surely beg you to marry me.


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## Nekko

What i personally learned from my guy's lack of sex drive and a recent discussion with him. 

First off, some guys don't value sex above everything else. Mine is above all interested in the well being of his family. Since we've been going through a time of money problems, as he stated, he's too overwhelmed by a lot of concerns regarding that. That's all his mind focuses on and the top priority right now. Or as he said "how can i think about sex when i don't know if we're going to make it ok through another month". 

Second, when resentment is built up, both women and men won't really touch someone they're extremely angry with. Sex means pleasure and a mental connection to some of us, connection that can't be formed with someone who's hurt you or didn't seem to respect/love us in the past. A lot of arguments and mean words that were said have an impact on all of us and they tend to remain in our minds. 

Third in line, people who are rejected constantly will eventually have a low self esteem, they won't be confident, attractive and won't really try to do a lot of things anymore. It's hard to put sex on your calendar and still enjoy it. It's not natural, passionate anymore. It's a chore. But the person who isn't interested won't really start it. The person who wants it isn't willing to take a lot of risks to get it. In my personal case, i do want it and i could seduce him (i've done that before) but the idea of waiting for him at home in a negligee horrifies me because i'm terrified he'll say no and i'll feel worthless. If i could manage to build up that confidence and stick to it a couple of times, maybe a lot of things will change. At this point, that means detaching myself from him and caring less, to afford taking those kinds of risks. Detaching is immensely hard because i feel like we're already too far away from eachother emotionally. It's an awkward place to be in. 

At this point, even talks become unnatural. The person who's witholding feels hassled and feels like their partner is always asking for sex (aka...."you say you want...but what about me, i'm pissed at you for a reason. despite that, it's still all about what you want/need"). The person who is asking for sex feels constantly pushed away, gets angry and can't communicate as effectively (tends to turn everything into a fight). 

Add a bunch of other small mis-understandings to the mix and you've got yourself a guy who doesn't want sex anymore. Or a gal in other cases.


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## AFEH

Trenton said:


> Bob, If I weren't married already I would surely beg you to marry me.


Are we having a long distance EA lol. It is really good talking like this though. It’s in depth stuff I could never get to with my wife. I saw a good mate the other day and he asked why I hadn’t been round for a while. I couldn’t exactly tell him that his wife needs to cool it with me and that’s why I haven’t been round. Instead I had to tell a lie, like I called round a few times but they weren’t in. I do seriously like the attention and I’m totally flattered.

Bob


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## AFEH

Nekko said:


> What i personally learned from my guy's lack of sex drive and a recent discussion with him.
> 
> First off, some guys don't value sex above everything else. Mine is above all interested in the well being of his family. Since we've been going through a time of money problems, as he stated, he's too overwhelmed by a lot of concerns regarding that. That's all his mind focuses on and the top priority right now. Or as he said "how can i think about sex when i don't know if we're going to make it ok through another month".
> 
> Second, when resentment is built up, both women and men won't really touch someone they're extremely angry with. Sex means pleasure and a mental connection to some of us, connection that can't be formed with someone who's hurt you or didn't seem to respect/love us in the past. A lot of arguments and mean words that were said have an impact on all of us and they tend to remain in our minds.
> 
> Third in line, people who are rejected constantly will eventually have a low self esteem, they won't be confident, attractive and won't really try to do a lot of things anymore. It's hard to put sex on your calendar and still enjoy it. It's not natural, passionate anymore. It's a chore. But the person who isn't interested won't really start it. The person who wants it isn't willing to take a lot of risks to get it. In my personal case, i do want it and i could seduce him (i've done that before) but the idea of waiting for him at home in a negligee horrifies me because i'm terrified he'll say no and i'll feel worthless. If i could manage to build up that confidence and stick to it a couple of times, maybe a lot of things will change. At this point, that means detaching myself from him and caring less, to afford taking those kinds of risks. Detaching is immensely hard because i feel like we're already too far away from eachother emotionally. It's an awkward place to be in.
> 
> At this point, even talks become unnatural. The person who's witholding feels hassled and feels like their partner is always asking for sex (aka...."you say you want...but what about me, i'm pissed at you for a reason. despite that, it's still all about what you want/need"). The person who is asking for sex feels constantly pushed away, gets angry and can't communicate as effectively (tends to turn everything into a fight).
> 
> Add a bunch of other small mis-understandings to the mix and you've got yourself a guy who doesn't want sex anymore. Or a gal in other cases.


That’s exceedingly well articulated Nekko and it is very real. Time will tell what you will do about it.

I think in troubled times sex was probably my “weed” or whatever it’s called. Like having a joint, troubles seemed to disappear for a while, forgotten and a deep comforting sleep afterwards. Wake up on a high and refreshed, ready to go out and carry on the battle.

Bob


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## Nekko

"Time will tell what you will do about it."
I'm just going to run what you said earlier in my mind over and over and over again (the part with the doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome). After that, i'll just have to calm down that "angry scared child inside who fears rejection" possibly blindfold her and stick stuff in her ears. When that happens and the actual rational, non-scared me is in charge, i'll start trying everything under the sun to make him feel attracted again and show him that he's wanted. I've also learned that if i want my own need met (in this case sex and a connection), i'll have to first work on having his needs met (financial stability and a strong, mature partner to share responsibilities with). 

I guess i can be the sexiest woman on the planet, if he doesn't feel like he can rely on me to be a good, rational spouse, that's already a huge turn off for him. We all find different things attractive, we assume the people we're attracted to have those qualities. Those are the qualities he's looking for. I doubt it's about physical looks. Even when we think it is, it usually translates into "she's fertile", "he's a good provider", "she's kind and would make a good mom", "she seems like she's fun in bed". That's still about personality, right?
That's also why i think some people can't overcome their problems. They don't understand what's causing them and how they got there. It becomes even more stupid when you stop to read the advice you've given other people and discover how little of it you're actually doing! (that would be me). 

I'm the same as you in how you describe sex. It's my weed. I feel alive, worry free and re-charged with energy, ready to face the world. In the lack of it i tend to be depressed and have problems handling responsibilities. It's exceptionally funny that i can't solve the problems he has because i want sex. At the same time, he can't give sex because i don't solve those problems. Ah, life's great


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## AFEH

Brennan,
There’s something else that happens in the man who has a resentful wife. A wife who is unable to let go of past offences. I think this is best communicated by example.

During a conflict my wife came out with something that happened 23 years before. What she came out with had never been discussed in all that time. What she accused me of totally devastated me and hurt me deeply.

But it wasn’t just the accusation and the thought she’d held that in her head for a couple of decades as well. It was something much more significant than that.

When I looked back on those 23 years I saw that we’d live in Oman and Egypt for a few years, that I’d paid the rent, mortgages and all the bills. I’d bought her cars so she could be independent and get off to the work that she loved. I’d taken her on holidays and nursed her when she was ill. Everything I’d ever done for her in those 23 years was totally negated by her bitterness and resentment for me for something that supposedly I’d done 23 years ago. It was like all my efforts were totally worthless.

Crazy. I must have madly in love with the woman. Please beware of that resentment, it really does do a lot of damage emotionally and physically.

Bob


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## AFEH

Nekko said:


> "Time will tell what you will do about it."
> I'm just going to run what you said earlier in my mind over and over and over again (the part with the doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome). After that, i'll just have to calm down that "angry scared child inside who fears rejection" possibly blindfold her and stick stuff in her ears. When that happens and the actual rational, non-scared me is in charge, i'll start trying everything under the sun to make him feel attracted again and show him that he's wanted. I've also learned that if i want my own need met (in this case sex and a connection), i'll have to first work on having his needs met (financial stability and a strong, mature partner to share responsibilities with).
> 
> I guess i can be the sexiest woman on the planet, if he doesn't feel like he can rely on me to be a good, rational spouse, that's already a huge turn off for him. We all find different things attractive, we assume the people we're attracted to have those qualities. Those are the qualities he's looking for. I doubt it's about physical looks. Even when we think it is, it usually translates into "she's fertile", "he's a good provider", "she's kind and would make a good mom", "she seems like she's fun in bed". That's still about personality, right?
> That's also why i think some people can't overcome their problems. They don't understand what's causing them and how they got there. It becomes even more stupid when you stop to read the advice you've given other people and discover how little of it you're actually doing! (that would be me).
> 
> I'm the same as you in how you describe sex. It's my weed. I feel alive, worry free and re-charged with energy, ready to face the world. In the lack of it i tend to be depressed and have problems handling responsibilities. It's exceptionally funny that i can't solve the problems he has because i want sex. At the same time, he can't give sex because i don't solve those problems. Ah, life's great


Well stop that cat licking the screen lol.

Why not make a list of every problem your marriage faces, I don’t mean the dynamics between the two of you or your own personal problems. Think maybe of your marriage as an entity in it’s own right, like a company, a business. The marriage has a home, there’re bills to pay, what are they and how much. What’s the income, what can be done to increases the income and what can be done to cut the costs. Make a two year plan to get yourselves on a better financial footing.

There’s a well respected guy in England, his website is Money Saving Expert: Consumer Revenge - Credit Cards, Shopping, Bank Charges, Cheap Flights and more and he’s written a book.

Bob


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## Nekko

I will look into it and work on making things better  Thanks a lot Bob, i really appreciate it.


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## SimplyAmorous

AFEH said:


> I wasn’t going to be a 75 year old man being taken to task yet again over something I did when I was nineteen. That’s just one example of quite a few. Some of the offences I supposedly committed were my wife’s way of denying responsibility for her own behaviour, which is obviously a lot worse. I hope that makes sense and kind of puts it into perspective.


 I agree her behavior was worse, an unforgiving spirit in the face or ongoing Love , when we would do ANYTHING to take away the hurt we caused & to constantly be bringing it up- throwing it back in your face, this only destroys what could have been a Beautiful thing. 

You did the right thing in letting her go, your wife must have been a H*** of a Looker, cause what she was at her core is something I would spit at. You are the better person, maybe more outwardly Human & fallable, but inside more substance, more understanding , more dept = more lovingkindness. 

Ya know, if My husband was like your wife, he could resurrect a mountain of resentment over the things I have said in the course of our marriage! Oh MY - I even told him once years ago that his penis was Homely (I worship it now so we can really laugh about this ). About a year ago, I told him if some hot lusty man came on to me (when he couldn't keep up with me), I was not sure I could resist the temptation! Any old thing might fly out of my mouth when I am upset, hurting, emotional. BUT I always -- ALWAYS say I am sorry for these things and MEAN them from the depths of my being afterwards- and he knows this, cause my actions show, even my tears. 

He has never been one to hold Resentment towards me and I never do with him as well. Though he does not hurt me as much as I have hurt him with careless words (usually during PMS). He tells me he wouldn't change a thing -even when I say things that "sting". He would still take me THIS way, the Good along with the Bad. When it is Good, It is VERY Good, when it Is bad , it only lasts a very short time -then we have Great Make up sex. And in all this, he knows I am pathetically Honest- which means a great deal to him. 

That is really a shame. I have always said I would rather have friends who screw up relentlessly with their mouths & care enough to bestow a Heart felt "I am so sorry, I was wrong" letter or come to me personally humble & shaken. (Don’t we absolutely eat this up in the movies, this is what MOVES us) - in comparison to friends who are SO sweet, they never utter anything remotely REAL, you never know where they stand, you don't even get to see their angry side, this is just BORING and usually FAKE. 

We are all capable of being A-holes & speaking out of another part of our body at times, so long as we humble our sorry donkeys after. I choose those kinds of people always. 



Brennan said:


> the first words out of his mouth was "God, my parents are going to kill me". He never once asked how I felt about all of this!! No, all about OTHER people. Screw me. I do not think I ever forgot that. Really, how could you? To date, I have never felt like a priority in his married life, ever. He says I am but I do not feel it. .....


 IF he had shown you love & you FELT his Priority, a wife he adores, I bet you could have gotten past these things though. This is so much less about comments ages ago, but more about the NON-actions of today and throughout the marriage. 

Some DO hang on to just comments though (Sounds like Bob's wife).. Has your husband ever said - maybe even years later ... "Oh my God, I am so sorry I said this to you, I don't know what I was thinking , what I would do without our beautiful son, I love him so much, I can’t imagine my life without him in it " - This may have melted your heart and helped you get past "the comment". I am guessing this kind of thing did not happen, and In that respect, I can really sympathize & understand your pain - even resentment with him, his words. 

People with Unruly mouths , like myself, would be equivelant to TRASH without having the balls & humbleness to owe up to our mistakes & do whatever it takes to make things right with those we hurt.


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## nice777guy

One thing over the years that I think has lead my sex drive to decrease is a lack of "quickies." Sex always seems like it has to be such an event. And its kind of a vicious circle when you don't have sex very often.

When its been 2 weeks - you really miss it and want it to be fantastic - so it turns into a big F'n deal.

If we had sex more frequently, then we wouldn't need for it to be enough to "tide us over" for awhile.

But of course I have some guilt about quickies - as it can be hard to meet a woman's needs without foreplay, time and patience.


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## nice777guy

Star said:


> Quickies Huh? I prefer the whole nine yards myself.....everytime!! greedy ain't I? haha


When its been 2 weeks, nine yards ends up being more like ten, eleven or twenty yards!


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## nice777guy

But its almost like not eating for a week, and then going to a buffet. Or trying to fit in your 30 minutes of daily exercise all into one day, then taking the other 6 days off. Its just not healthy.

Trying to figure out how to say this...

By the time the kids are in bed, the dishwasher is loaded, the trash is out, etc. etc. - its already bed-time. And then that whole big F'n deal usually goes for about 90 minutes to 2 hours - which puts me up until about 1am. I can only do 1am a couple of times a week at most.

Once again - I don't think of sex as a chore - but sometimes I'll find myself looking at the clock, thinking "no - not tonight - too tired for a marathon - big day at work tomorrow," etc. 

But on those nights when a marathon sounds too rough, I could probably handle a short sprint or a brisk walk!


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## getting20

There are only to things that Kills a man's sex drive.
1. His becoming gay
2. His becoming old

LOL......


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## JustAGirl

Deejo said:


> Of course you are, you actually tagged one of the things we've been talking about - you claimed that you believe he has lost his 'fire in the belly', or passion for life, passion for pursuing you in particular.
> 
> You're also helping because we're making a mental note of all of the women posting here who have made themselves hot, desirable and have the libido of a teenage boy, but whose husbands aren't delivering the goods.


I'm EXACTLY like a teenage boy! How bizzare! lol


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> These ladies should go out and buy the biggest dildoes they can find - and then go home and use it to beat the $hit out of their husbands!


:rofl:HAHAHAHAHA!!!!:rofl:


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## JustAGirl

All this talk is making me....never mind lol


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## getting20

I would love to hear what's to your line.. lol


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## JustAGirl

Who? Me?


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## getting20

JustAGirl said:


> All this talk is making me....never mind lol


Well, I'm ready for you whenever you are ready. lol


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## getting20

JustAGirl said:


> Who? Me?


Yup you.:smthumbup:


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## getting20

JustAGirl said:


> lol you say that NOW!
> 
> Next, I'll hear the all too familiar, "Get off me!"
> LOL j/k


Nah, not really. Was just kidding. Just wanna be your friend. I'm a newbie at this forum.  
What country you from?


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## getting20

JustAGirl said:


> I was kidding too!
> I'm from the USA...where you from?


I'm from Singapore. By is that your real picture?


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## getting20

JustAGirl said:


> Yep...that's me!


WOW, you are beautiful. Nice meeting you. How old are you if you don't mind?


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## nice777guy

Get a room guys!!!


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## seeking sanity

Getting20 and JustAGirl, this is a MARRIAGE forum, not a place to start flirting. Go spend some time on the infidelity forum and see where that kind of bs will land you.


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## getting20

seeking sanity said:


> Getting20 and JustAGirl, this is a MARRIAGE forum, not a place to start flirting. Go spend some time on the infidelity forum and see where that kind of bs will land you.


Sorry guys. Won't happen again. Just wanted to meet more people.


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## kendra2705

I wish I knew , it's certainly not me as it was gone before we got started , he used his ex wife as an excuse that it had gone as she had put him off with her aggressive ways generaly, he hated her, 4 years down the road and still no sex drive , no matter what I did ,(and I say did because I have now given up) , nothing, prob 4 times in 4 years to be honest. I think writing this is therepy for me as it is me who is bothered about it not him , :scratchhead:

When it's gone it's gone in our case and we have to spend the next whatever years never doing it again. :rofl:


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## JustAGirl

nice777guy said:


> Get a room guys!!!


LOL


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## JustAGirl

seeking sanity said:


> Getting20 and JustAGirl, this is a MARRIAGE forum, not a place to start flirting. Go spend some time on the infidelity forum and see where that kind of bs will land you.


I have an idea....why don't you just not read this and *YOU* can go there....damn, Halloween is over, you can pull your broom out of your *&%$

sheesh

KEYWORD ::*forum*:: - look it up


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## MarriedWifeInLove

I would guess too needy. Which is exactly what I am right now - but, in my defense - I wouldn't be as needy if I was getting some affection, intimacy and sex on a regular basis.


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## MsLonely

nice777guy said:


> So many threads around here about women complaining that they don't have enough sex.
> 
> And yet "generally" men are supposed to be the hornier of the two genders.
> 
> What is it that turns a man off sexually?
> 
> I guess I could understand a woman being turned off by a selfish "one pump chump." But men - we're too easy. Barring any health problems, we are almost guaranteed to have an orgasm no matter how bad or inept our lover may be.
> 
> How does something that feels so fantastic come to be viewed almost as just another chore for some of us?


What kills a man's sex drive:

I'm a rational woman

1. tireness
2. too much alcohol
3. lack of testosterone
4. stress
5. unplesant woman


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## Lorraine M

Conrad said:


> It doesn't - until they receive the message that they don't matter.
> 
> Then, the passive aggressive side starts to seek revenge on the one neglecting them.
> 
> The withdrawal of romance/affection leads directly to a shut-down of sex.


You all have really good points...the weight,,nagging kids first, guys do need a little romance but I didn't see anyone enter age and stres into the discussion. My husband, if he wanted it badly enough before his little "break" would/could do it whenever, but when he was stressed and knew I was busy, tired, overworked, would start taking care of business on his own during the day to help relieve stress. Now, granted I was told that as a lead up to his mental episode you can become hypersexual but that would make me think several times a day.

After sexting him once about how long it's been, miss him, etc... trying to turn him on, he admitted that the noise in the house, the homework, sports travel for child, mind wouldn't stop working thanks to work, it just got easier. Food for thought.:scratchhead:


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