# Don't know what to do anymore...



## Nickieboo (Aug 9, 2010)

I am married to a man who has 2 boys ages 6 and 9 from a prior relationship and I have a 16 year old daughter from a prior marriage. My step sons live with their mother and my daughter lives with us.

The issue is my husband and his kids. My husband always talks about how much he loves his kids, and I believe he does, however, I feel like he doesn't want to have too much dealings with raising them. I don't want to make this too long, so I will give short background and then my "last straw" incident yesterday. 

Whenever my husband goes and gets his kids we ALWAYS end up getting into an argument. What he does is at the last minute will decide he wants to go get them and it will always be sometime at night and some random night. He will go get them and then when they all get here, he will find something he has to do and want to leave them with me. He will not ask me if this is ok or even if I feel like watching them. One Monday night after a long day at work for me, he decided he wanted to go get them. Well I already knew my plans were to go home and RELAX. He goes and gets them and they arrive around 9:30 p.m. I was sitting in my bed folding clothes, watching tv. He instantly brings them into our room and says "ok be good and listen".. I said "wait a minute, what are you talking about?" and he says he wants to go get them something to eat. Side note....this little voyage would have taken at least 2 hours.. So I said "no, I am going to bed and you need to take them with you". So he did, but this of course turned into an argument the next morning when I woke up to get ready for work at MY usual time and he had them taking showers. I was angry because now I was going to be late for work...Then he accused me of always causing drama when his kids come. I told him it was not about his kids, but him being inconsiderate of my time schedule. So this is a typical type of argument with the same type of ending.... so here is where I am needing advice. Yesterday we went to church and he brought one of his sons. We drove in separate cars because he is always late and I want to get to church on time. Another side note: I travel 1-2 times a week and this week, all but Wednesday I will be out of town. After church, I planned on going home and doing laundry, packing and doing research for my job. Well I am about to leave and he says his son (6 yr old) wants to go with me. I agreed because he said he was going to just go drop his friend off and come right home. This trip should not have taken more than 45 minutes. Well it took him 3 hours. And the only reason it was that "short" was because I kept calling asking where he was and it was one thing after the other. I could not do my research because his son kept wanting to talk and play. Of course when he got home it turned into a huge fight and of course it was about me not liking his kids... i smelled alcohol on his breath so he went to his friends hose and hung out. I am so sick of this behavior. My husband does construction, so he has alot of downtime but never chooses to bring the kids at this time. I work a minimum of 60 hours each week and when I come home, that is when he decides to get them and then leave them with me.. I got so mad last night that I told him I want a divorce. PLEASE HELP... I feel if he is going to be so random with his "parenting", then he should expect to be home or doing something with his kids when he makes this decision.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Hi! You need to sit down and explain to him what the expectations are when he wants to get his kids. Don't do it when you are in the midst of an argument. Wait until you are calm. You do not expect him to watch your 16 year daughter ad that you expect that when he brings his kids home, he needs to take care of them unless he clears plans with you. Your morning routine should not be interupted when he does not have a scheduled visitation and picks them up on the fly. You are going to have to spell it out on what you expect. Is there anything he would prefer you do differently with your daughter? Ask, and show that you are willing to respect his boundries if he respects his. Can you sit and make a schedule so you have advanced notice when the kids are coming, even if it is every three weeks, you would at least have an idea when they are coming. Maybe you can plan a few things together so he sees this is not an issue of disliking his kids but his way of handling visits.Good Luck!


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## Nickieboo (Aug 9, 2010)

Thank you Tamara.. I have tried talking to him after the fact and he appears to be listening but nothing changes. Saturday I took them to see Cats and Dogs and after the movie was over he immediately took them home. And I guess what my main concern is this: Yesterday we found out that his kids mother's mother is very sick and could possible die. The grandmother takes care of the kids for the mother (she has 5 total kids, with 2 being his). If she should die, my husband needs to realize that the mother of his kids will really need him to be there for his kids. I really feel like he is going to expect me to pick up his slack and I do not want to. My daughter is very close to me and comes to me for everything, therefore my husband doesn't have to do anything for her. I feel like this can turn into a disaster. I do not mind being with the kids once in a while, but not while he is out hanging with his friends. I raised my daughter by myself and I love the freedom I have now and our relationship. What are my responsibilities as a step mother? I keep telling him he needs a schedule and he says that he will get his kids whenever he wants and doesn't have to tell me because he is a grown man..


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