# Her Ex-Husband and Boundries



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Im new here. I was married 17 years and maybe Im no allowed here bc Im not married anymore but this looks like a great site. Anyway, my girlfriends ex-husband is a cop and she is passive. After a year of me dating her, this ex-husband still has keys to her house and comes in to drop off there son and they sometimes talk. She very badly doesnt want to fight with him. She wants to remain friends. I have been ok with this until recently Ive noticed he yells at her on occasion and bully's her. She also found out that he has a girlfriend and it devastated her bc she says that she beleives he maybe has been with her right when he left and he plays this "oh, Ill never get anyone again". She gave up a lot in the divorce process bc she felt sorry for him. Now she feels like she was used. Im mad and want her to set boindries, like he is not allowed in the house anymore and such. Do you guys have to deal with ex's in your relationships??


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You don't get to say what her boundries are.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

1) well, of course you are allowed here.
2) All kinds of issues here in your post, and they are not all the same issue.
3) My H still has keys to his ex's house because of the children, he picks them up, sometimes he needs to go inside and wake them up, etc etc, it's not a big deal. So just the keys, I don't think is necessarily a problem.
4) If he's bullying her, that's a problem.
5) If she's worried about him having a gf, that might be a problem. Why does she care?
6) You cannot set boundaries for her. You can encourage her, you can strengthen her, but basically, this is her choice. If she chooses not to, then you can draw whatever conclusions you choose from that choice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you're living with her in the house, then you can set boundaries. If you're not living together, then it's up to her to set boundaries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Do you really want to be involved in this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is only happening because she allows it.

So it is on her to tell him that he can't show up whenever he wants and get her key back.

The problem is hers, not yours, so she needs to handle it. You can tell her how you feel but ultimately, she has to make the decision.

It also sounds like she's not entirely over him. And vice versa.


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## RegularJoe36 (Jun 11, 2012)

I agree that you yourself cannot set boundaries, but if it's affecting you and your GF's relationship or mood, I would push her to set boundaries. Not that my own problem compares, but it has to do with her ex living at her house, and it's DEFINITELY damaged our relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Just a feeling but I think she is going to tear your heart out. You are going to end up in a confrontation with her ex sooner or later.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Just a feeling but I think she is going to tear your heart out. You are going to end up in a confrontation with her ex sooner or later.




I agree.. Next thing you know youll be married and she's inviting him to stay a week while your out of town.. 

Take my advice, run, do not walk, run...

Her being upset he has a GF is not a good sign, I promise..

Been there, done that and he's wearing my shirt.. lol


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## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

Old thread, I know, but replying here after seeing one of your other posts. While I agree that you cannot individually set boundaries for her when it comes to how she handles the ex, you can and should decide what YOUR boundaries are, meaning what you can and cannot tolerate. And you have a right to expect boundaries around your relationship and those are boundaries that should be negotiated between the two of you. How the ex will be handled is a valid topic of discussion. You can't dictate to her but you can let her know your limits and you can try to negotiate what boundaries the relationship needs from both of your perspectives. If you can't agree, then this is not a good relationship for you. No way in h*** I would tolerate the ex having keys, whether I lived there or not. In my mind, if the ex still has keys, there isn't enough separation to allow an appropriate amount of space for a new relationship and I would not go near that with a 10-ft pole. Her inability or unwillingness to stand up to him and her emotional attachment to whether or not he has a gf are two other HUGE red flags that she is not completely out of that relationship. You can't possibly have a healthy relationship with her under those circumstances. I would be walking away and leaving her the key to do whatever she wants to do with it. She may be a great person but if she is not available for a relationship with someone other than her ex, then find someone who is!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't understand why the father needs a key to your gf's house. IF the child is old enough to be alone in the house, then he's old enough to have his own key. If the child is too young, then his gf should be there until the father picks up the child.


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