# Same Username, New Thread (Trial Separation)



## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

*Here's an update on my story. *

I have been contemplating posting an update for a while now, but I've been too busy riding the rollercoaster to figure out what I would actually give for an update. Credit goes to *Movin on* for prompting this update. 

You can find my original thread at the following link. I decided to start a new thread as that one quickly devolved into a back & forth: New Username, Same Old Thread (Wife Cheated)

*Quick rundown of the situation for anyone who doesn't want to read that link:*


We're 34 years old, have a 3yr old son, married for almost 12 years.
She had a 3 month affair (EA + PA) with a co-worker.
I discovered it via her phone in November 2012
She continued it underground for another month (just EA - AFAIK).
She was saying most of the right things, however continued to lie & trickle truth me.
We both entered into IC in December, and have continued it since.

*Now for the update:*

Shortly after posting my original thread, *I sent a registered letter to the OMW informing her of the affair*, and giving her my email address should she want to reach out. Around the same time, I caught her lying to me again, and hit what felt at the time as rock bottom. I told her we needed to get into MC asap, and that I wanted a trial separation.

Then we started MC, and he urged me to put the separation plans on hold, which I agreed to.

The OMW reached out to me, and we exchanged what details we had, and stayed in contact so we knew when they might be around each other (he works remote, and was only in the area 2 days since December). We were both monitoring our spouses as well, and relayed any suspicious behavior.

From that effort, I feel highly confident (although I acknowledge I don't know for sure) that there has been no contact between them since the first week of December.

He changed jobs about 2 months ago (for his Wife).

Over the next 5 months, we worked on trying to reconcile and kept up the MC. Things were somewhat improving, at least our closeness did. However, she continued the trickle truth, claiming to be confused about what I wanted, and it felt to me (she would disagree) that I was the one doing the majority of the work. She was just focused on fixing our marriage going forward so much that it was verging on rug sweeping on her part.

Finally, a month ago, I found out (via the OMW) that something she had been repeating since the beginning (regarding the role a friend of hers played in the affair) was a lie. This brought back all the pain from right after D-Day, and pummeled my trust for her to a new low I thought impossible.

Add in some other selfish, impulsive, and entitlement based behaviors, with our relationship being placed low on her priority list, and I have had enough.

*3 weeks ago I told her we need a trial separation*. She has been apartment hunting since then, and has finally located 2 possible places. She will hopefully be moving out in September, and we will be splitting custody of our son 50/50 during the 6 month trial period.

Where it goes from there is up in the air. I need to find some clarity on the question of whether or not I feel I can ever forgive her and trust her again. She needs to show me that our marriage truly is her first priority (which she says over & over again, but her actions have spoken louder than her words).

I realize that the general consensus here _seems to be_ that a separation after infidelity only hastens a divorce. That may turn out to be the case here, but maybe not. Either way, I'm desperate. I know I can't continue on in this marriage the way it has been for the last 9 months.

Thanks for listening - comments & advice are welcome (_even though I may not agree_).


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Rimis,

Sorry to hear things are so bleak right now. I wish you all the best going forward.

Obviously she has not been scared enough of losing her M to make the commitment of total honesty and transparency needed to make this work.

Do you suspect or think that seeing the POS at least on occasion for work and seeing her friends on a daily basis who apparently played a part in helping her carry out the affair, has in any way played a part in her refusal to commit 100% to doing what is necessary for R?


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

That's a great question. She ended her friendship with her "affair friend" (as I refer to her). Also, I forgot to add (and I may update the original post to include) the fact that the OM has since left the company, as a result of his wife finding out about the affair.

See seems to be truly remorseful, and truly wants to fix this, however when the truth is hard to give, she resorts to lying. I think it's just one of a handful of personal issues she needs to work on. I think at this point it's more about her personal issues than it is about her commitment to the marriage.

The problem is I'm past caring about WHY she is still lying. I just need her to fix it. I've shown her as much patience and compassion as I have in me.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Like you said, actions speak louder than words. If she wants to fix the marriage, but keeps on being secretive, lying, etc how can you expect to go forward on those terms?

You're doing right and you're doing your best. No one can ask for more.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I don't think a separation is necessarily a bad thing. It shows her you're serious and that losing you is a reality.

Now if she doesn't care enough to fight for it....SO BE IT.

You're better off.

You're right, you need clarity, something your emotions and your memories make hard to obtain.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Rimis,

You say that you are "the one doing the majority of the work" and mention "selfish, impulsive, and entitlement based behaviors."

What is she not doing that want her to do (in addition to telling the truth, of course) and what are the bad behaviors?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will she take the separation as a chance to heal or a chance to be a heel?

I hope the former, but fear it might be the latter. 

My best wishes to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Rimis,

I couldn't agree more with your post about the lying.

In the end, the why never matters as much as the pain and destruction it causes in the relationship.

I have told SO's before, "Just stop the d**n lying. I don't give a crap why you are doing it or feel you have to. Just know that every time you do it and I catch you I want to be with you a little less. Knock it off or your gonna end us."


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Rimis said:


> I realize that the general consensus here _seems to be_ that a separation after infidelity only hastens a divorce. That may turn out to be the case here, but maybe not. Either way, I'm desperate. *I know I can't continue on in this marriage the way it has been for the last 9 months*.


I think you already stated the solution to your problem. (hint: see bolded statement)

You are trying to fix a broken person. Not going to happen. Move on.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm sorry... I know it is probably very hard to be going through this all. I offer the unique (for these boards) perspective of the AP. I've BTDT... You're doing the right thing.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does she think that telling you details about the number of times she had sex or what they did will worsen the prospects of R. Does she just consider it demeaning to relate the facts? Are the lies that bother you more about the deception?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Separation is typically a M killer in that if there are not defined rules, boundaries, etc that are spelled out as to why or what purpose the separation is being done, then what would prevent one from dating or any other thing? 

Sometimes separation will push the undecided one to detach more.

She is not giving you what you need and you feel it. I went through that last year. The lies. Shoot, man, I hate lies. When my wife stopped lying it was as if I was surrounded with peace for the first time in my life.

Your reaction is based upon your wife not telling you the truth. It is causing disharmony in you. We can't always express it or explain it but I know what you are feeling. You are feeling that she is not there with you, that something is just not clicking. 

Your gut is telling you something is still not right. Go with it. I did and I found that I was right and when she turned around I knew it.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Does she think that telling you details about the number of times she had sex or what they did will worsen the prospects of R. Does she just consider it demeaning to relate the facts? Are the lies that bother you more about the deception?


In general she's lying b/c she's worried about how it will make her look when certain details are revealed. As opposed to how she'll look when I catch her lying to me.

It's mostly the same old reasons, protecting herself & her interests.

In none of the cases where I caught her lying were the lies worth lying about.

The part that bothers me is 100% the deception. Here I am working to save our marriage, working to find some way to possibly be able to trust her again someday... and she's sabotaging that effort by continuing to lie to me.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I like all of the posts on this thread so far.

Your OP said, 

*"I realize that the general consensus here seems to be that a separation after infidelity only hastens a divorce."*

Here is part of the reason that is true, it will give YOU a chance to see things without the clouds. 

Once you live without the pain, and knowing that you will be ok, you will probably decide to move on.

If she moves on, good riddance anyway.

Why do I find myself pushing so many good people toward D? I love being married.

Rimis, you have endured more than probably should have. Go be free! There are MANY wonderful women that can take this one's place. Be fair to one of them, and give her (new gf/wife) a better life.

Hope it goes well for you.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Separation is typically a M killer in that if there are not defined rules, boundaries, etc that are spelled out as to why or what purpose the separation is being done, then what would prevent one from dating or any other thing?


Completely understood. We're still working through the details, but we've agreed on a bunch of stuff already, including custody details. We will NOT be dating other people, that has been made clear. We will print it all out in the end, and each of us will have a signed copy. I know it's not legally binding or anything (at least not in our state), but we need those boundaries spelled out.



Thorburn said:


> She is not giving you what you need and you feel it. I went through that last year. The lies. Shoot, man, I hate lies. When my wife stopped lying it was as if I was surrounded with peace for the first time in my life.


That is the moment I've been waiting for, the moment where she just drops the bull**** wall that she's surrounded her affair with.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP sorry for the situation you are in. The lies just show that she is more concerned with herself than she is about you. In other words, she is not remorseful and concerned about your healing.

It continues to be selfish behavior. She has not learned and is probably only sorry that you know what you know.

Also, understand that monitoring her will be more difficult when she is not around you...

Sooner or later the tough decision will need to come about.

The decision to R or D is yours. In your shoes, I'd cut my losses.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hard 180 about everything but divorce and kids. Don't be mean just polite, friendly and indifferent. If she loves you, she'll start reaching out. If she initiates some meaningful conversation, you can cautiously open the door, but if she is still protecting the affair, just return to the 180 but without any drama.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I think separation is just extending the inevitable. Start the D process. Let the marriage go. It might shock your idiot wife back into reality, or it will show you how really little she cares. Either way you will be further down the road towards healing than you are now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

What is the point of a "trial separation" exactly? If she lied to you before what makes you think she won't lie again? Because you "mutually agreed" not to see other people? Ya I have a bridge to sell you too :scratchhead:

You've basically just given her more freedom to pretty much do whatever she likes without having to worry about the marriage and constant monitoring on your part after she's already proven she can't be trusted. Which is fine if you plan on divorce. But separating and living in different homes certainly isn't going to do anything to improve your chances for reconciling if that's even what you want at this point. You might as well just start the divorce proceedings while you're at it if she's already moving out. Really doesn't sound like you laid down any consequences for her.


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