# Depression is hurting our chances



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Well, everything has been sort of lukewarm since last weekend b/w me and my husband. This morning I woke up feeling really depressed...I did get out of bed, but I don't really feel like being around anyone. I told my husband how I was feeling and he mentioned his concerns. He wants us to be close like last weekend, and today I just don't feel like it. 

He left to go to the store, and I can tell he is hurt. I've tried to be close to him today, but it's just not working for me. It's got nothing to do with him, and I've told him that. He is already feeling vulnerable, knowing that a couple of weeks ago I was considering separation. I really just want to be alone today. He really needs that closeness. I will try as I have been to give him what he wants, but I know he senses my distance. It seems like he's trying too hard, and that's repelling me even more.

I really can't control these cycles of moods, I wish I could. I just don't have the desire to do anything today. (I am on my meds, so that's not the problem) I am starting to feel like we will never be able to make this work because he just can't deal with my mental issues. I want him to be happy...maybe he could be happier without me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I can tell you something, but only you can decide to apply it. Most people do not have what it takes, I hope you are one of the courageous ones who can buck the trend.

You can't control your moods it's true, but here's what you can do. You can decide to not be their prisoner any more. The jail door is open. The jail door has always been open. You just need to put one foot in front of the other and walk out into the sunshine.

I can even tell you how to do this, but until you grasp it, it will seem like I am writing in an alien tongue. All you need to do is let the moods be what they will, feel them, acknowledge them, accept that they form the backdrop to your day... and just carry on with your day as *you choose*. So if you want to give your husband the gift of closeness, just do it. You might feel strange, you might feel dead, but you will know for once in your life who is running the show. I wish I could just get on a plane and do this for you, but that would not help. You have to do it. I hope you can because the alternative stinks.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First ask him what he wants, don't assume that he would be happier without you because if that was the case he would have left and he would not be trying so hard.

Don't hold the fact he is trying so hard against him. He is doing it for you and the relationship. You don't have to be thankful of what he is doing, but would it hurt to acknowledge the effort?

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Well, after I posted this thread yesterday, I made myself get up, shower, and do my hair and makeup. After my husband got home, things seemed to get better. Our family went to church, we came home and ate dinner, then my husband agreed for the first time in our marriage to see a chick flick with me...Mamma Mia! I was very impressed....him at a chick flick?!?! 

Anyway, we got home pretty late and read through a bit of that book that MT recommended. It evoked some deep discussions and I guess it brought us closer. I was still feeling very emotional, but he seemed to be understanding about this. I asked him if he wanted to be with someone who wasn't everything he desired for the rest of his life. He said he didn't know but that he loved me and he didn't want to change things. Anyway, things were okay, but we were both getting sleepy, and still no hot sex. He told me to turn off the light, probably because he thought that I wanted to go to sleep. Somehow, this ended up turning into a fight and he slept in the living room last night. 

He got up and went to the store this morning, according to my son, but he's not home yet. I'm not panicking...I know he has home improvement projects planned for the day. What happened last night is the perfect example of the problems we've had in our marriage for years. We are both so frustrated, and I feel like it's all my fault. I don't know how to feel. I know that if you're not happy with your situation, then you have the power to change it. Where do I find that power or motivation? I'm just not feeling it. Ugh!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Maybe you're complicating it. Your husband does not want to talk all night - he wants sex. Or... he does not mind talking if there is some sex and the end of it. I keep trying to tell you men are simple. Well the simple men are simple. If you really put your mind to it, you can find a more complex one! Why not give him a nice time, and enjoy yourself while you're at it. There isn't anything to actually sort out, other than what's in front of your nose. Eat when hungry drink when thirsty, have sex when it's called for.

One day you might just wake up one morning and life will suddenly make sense. But many people are able to make their lives function perfectly without the benefit of that insight. Don't wait a moment longer. Enjoy your husband's body while you are both still young. Don't wait to be older and wiser. 

Out of interest, when did you last have sex?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Actually, he didn't put the light out because he thought you wanted to sleep. He put it out because he was hoping you would initiate sex and you did not (and he felt too scared to initiate in case of rejection). So by putting the light out, he was hoping to show you that he felt rejected - with the hope that you might "give in". Please don't ask me how I know 

I know it's kind of lame, but ummm, men are simple.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You have the power to change yourr behavior. You can learn to communicate without escalating it into a fight. Now you have to decide if you want to. Motivation is about want and desire for something to happen.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> I know that if you're not happy with your situation, then you have the power to change it. Where do I find that power or motivation? I'm just not feeling it. Ugh!


First off, let me just vent here. I dont know about you, but I hate it when people tell me that i have the power to change my situation so i can be happy. im sorry, and this is just a vent and isnt anything personal, but i usually take that kind of advice, imagine its written on a piece of paper, crumble it up and chuck it in the trash. I have heard that stanza throughout my entire life and it never helps. it only makes me more depressed and frustrated. Just a vent session, hope its not taken personally. i know everyone is just trying to help. and maybe its good to hear, but for me personally, its like nails on a chalk board.

As far as the motivation, i think you know where to find it. Things get pretty ugly when you stay in bed right? You think things are bad so then you stay in bed, feel lethargic, think very unpleasant thoughts that only darken the situation...so the motivation is to not let it get that bad. because when it gets that bad it hurts a lot. and if it gets that bad, it can get even worse. the day to day routine is depressing BUT if you decide to leave that routine, your 'stay in bed' routine is much, much worse and can get even uglier. This is the start of your motivation. you do not want it to get that ugly. sounds kinda grim right? well, its a start.

Forget about your fights with your H. you cannot control those right now. they're gonna happen. just let em and move on. forget about him getting upset b/c of your withdrawal (for now), b/c its only going to make you feel guilty and more depressed, which will cause you to withdrawal more. Let him handle his own reactions to you. You're not responsible for how he chooses to react to you and you cant try and force yourself to be different because you want to make him happy. its just not going to work. You have to take care of you right now.

I read a great, and i mean a great book that was the first thing ive heard that i felt i was actually understood. its called Feeling Good by David D. Burns. Its a cognitive behavioral approach that will make you aware of the little things in life that you can do that will eventual lead to understanding the fights you have with your H and being able to respond to him better.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

First, I have to say something. I realized something today. I think I am too quick to rely on this forum to solve all my problems. I need to be able to work out some issues on my own, or at least try to at first. I don't want to be too dependent on the forum, if that makes any sense. That being said, I love being able to utilize it when I really need to. Thanks to all for your input and support, as always.

I want to respond to ljtseng first. We must have a few things in common, because it seems like you totally get me. I appreciate your point of view. Yesterday and today, I just did what I had to do. Talking with my husband about the depression has alleviated some of our problems though. He is finally starting to realize that he shouldn't rely on me to make him happy. He has to find that within himself. He has agreed to work on being more understanding of my "low" times. He admitted this is difficult for him, but I can tell he is really trying. I will check into that book you mentioned. It sounds like it could be very helpful.

MT- I know men are simple, the problem is that I am not. You did once again make me laugh though. I know he needs sex...he lets me know this every day. I do try, but the depression sometimes has a pretty strong hold on my behavior. You are probably right about the whole sex initiation thing, but I didn't get the sense that he wanted it based on his behavior. I always complicate things...it's what I do...overanalyze everything. I guess everything was just so awkward yesterday that I felt like if we discussed our relationship, it would bring us close like last weekend. As always, I will do my best to follow your advice. I am trying to get comfortable with my husband's body first. If you must know, we had sex today...it was pretty good. Yes!

Draconis- I think I get what you're saying about communicating. I did approach him today, and we worked things out, for now anyway. We discussed that this will be an ongoing process. I know as a man, he wants to solve our problem quickly and just be happy, but he realizes that this will take time. Often, once I post a thread, I know exactly what I need to do or how to approach our problem.

I still have some anxiety about our differences regarding sex as well as expectations, but we will work on this together. 

Thanks again!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Simetimes writing something down helps you to remember of think about it. I to a class on memorization and they told us to write things down and read them once. That way you have three ways to remember something. Hearing it, writing it, reading it. I also remember things based on where I was at the time I hear information. Now for you the same things can be applied. By writing things down you can analyze it. Sometimes things don't seem to be bothering you as much as they do until you read it on paper. Other times you write it down and laugh that you let something like that bother you. Anyway you look at it, writing it down uses a different part of your brain to process the problem. 

If you feel that you want to take the first steps taking care of each thing then great. Remember, the forums will always be here for back-up and support.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> If you must know, we had sex today...it was pretty good. Yes!


YES! 

Phew, I was worried that I was getting into your husband's bad books, from you constantly hitting him over the head with that book I recommended. 

Well, that will have made your husband very happy, but it won't be long before he will need a top up! You know a lot of women say that the more often they have it, the more they get used to it, and automatically incorporate it into their routine.

As for *solving* your problems re depression I don't know if they can be solved 100%, but you can manage them. See my post #2 on this thread, which you never commented on.

Surly the nature of bi polar is to be up and down? So you are doing as well as can be expected, maybe better 

*draconis-*
100% aggree writing things down really can work.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Draconis- you are truly a wealth of information...did I say that already? I hope it doesn't ever bother you guys that I come here with my problems. I guess I could go back to journaling, but I like the feedback or whatever I get here.

MT- I did get your post about the bipolar thing, but it's difficult for me to take advice on this because I don't think people really get the severity of the "downs". I know it will never be solved 100%, and I think my husband is realizing this as well....slowly, but at least he's aware of it. 

You seem a lot like my husband, maybe all men, regarding the sex thing. I think he is hopeful that I will be exactly as you say...wanting sex all the time. I really don't think this will happen (I know...negative) Today, I feel less depressed, but I'm a little irritated by my husband. We had a great day yesterday, but the more physical closeness we have, the more he seems to want it. I feel like I am going into sensory overload with too much touching. I know what you guys will say...make up your mind. Do I want us to be close or not? The answer is yes, but for me, there is such a thing as too much physical closeness. Today, I feel like telling him to back off. I'm so mean.

Another thing that's bothering me is that I am still fantacizing about being with someone else...anyone else. Sometimes, I even pretend he is someone else when we are having sex. Is this normal? I know this is terrible, but at least I can be honest about it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl!
To answer your last point first, my wife often pretends I am someone else, and I love it! But not all men are comfortable with this, so it's hard to know if you should share. I think that whatever fantasy gets you in the mood is good for both of you. Don't be racked with guilt.

If you don't want to play ball on the sex thing over the long term, then you may get your wish and hubby will jump at the first chance of some *uncomplicated *bit of ass! Then believe me, once you have lost him you will miss him. All his faults will be feint memories and all his good points will seem huge. I know someone this recently happened to. I don't know if you have experienced pining after something or someone you can't have, but it's not a fun activity. 

And conversely, if he finds a more straight forward woman, he may never want to go back to complexity again. You may wisely decide to keep him entertained so he does not get the chance to taste the joys of simplicity.

Also you are being short term. Right now you are not felling sex mad, but give it a few years, and you are highly likely to develop a stronger appetite. If humans choose monogamy, they can't expect their partners to morph into just the right shape at the right time. We all have to take the rough with the smooth.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Ouch! That hurt a bit, but I knew you would respond this way. I have felt for years that he would wise up and realize that there is someone better for him, as I have said before. All I can say is I'm doing the best I can on this front. If he does leave me, I will not be surprised, and I know I will miss him. Due to my complexity or issues, it may be better for him. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but there are so many things about me that I have tried to change and have been unsuccessful. One of those is the sex appetite you mentioned. I don't think I can control that one though. 

I wonder if my fantacizing about being outside of the marriage is an indication that I don't want him anymore. Sometimes, I just need some space from him, which he doesn't like of course. I do love him. I know I come across as crazy on this forum with all the things I share. That's just who I am....maybe my username should be crazygirl instead. haha!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> Ouch! That hurt a bit, but I knew you would respond this way.


Sometimes a jolt from the dark side can be healthy, and I know you can handle it.



guiltygirl said:


> I wonder if my fantacizing about being outside of the marriage is an indication that I don't want him anymore. Sometimes, I just need some space from him, which he doesn't like of course. I do love him.


Well that is interesting because my wife sometimes needs space form me... and on top of her fantasising about me being someone else in bed... You are not as abnormal as you think 




guiltygirl said:


> I know I come across as crazy on this forum with all the things I share. That's just who I am....maybe my username should be crazygirl instead. haha!


And if you are crazy what does that make people like me out to be, who spend hours writing carefully crafted answers to posts like yours? You are an interesting and worthwhile person, don't sell yourself short.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks MT! I can handle anything you throw at me, unless it is blatantly mean, like a message I got previously from that guy I was contacting on myspace. 

I kind of like the idea that I am unique, or abnormal, or crazy, or whatever you want to call it. I suppose the fact that you respond on this forum to crazy people like me makes you a little crazy too. (No offense)

So, your saying your wife fantacizes about being with other guys? This makes me feel guilty, like I'm not happy where I am. I fantacize about having a fling of some sort. This is terrible since my husband has been so great lately. Sometimes, I think I'm just not happy being happy. I told him this too. I don't want things to be simple. I want to have instability. I must, or I wouldn't be thinking about all of these things, right?

Why do I have to be so wishy-washy? Thanks for always making me smile! Also, thanks for saying that I am an interesting and worthwhile person...it's a healthy boost to my teetering self-esteem.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> So, your saying your wife fantacizes about being with other guys?


No, I meant that when we are in bed, she imagines I am not me, but some other guy. She does not normally tell me about it, as she says sharing her fantasy ruins it, but occasionally, she does, and I play along and try to get into character. But the real reason she won't tell me is the space thing. She does not want me in her head.



guiltygirl said:


> I don't want things to be simple. I want to have instability. I must, or I wouldn't be thinking about all of these things, right?


 You are correct. You are on the verge of creating instability because that is what you want. But go easy on yourself, it's OK. If you are skilful, you can enjoy "safe" risks instead of dangerous ones. You could role-play with hubby. He would like that I'll wager  I bet you'd like him to pretend to be a "bad boy", instead of the nice guy he is by day...


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

You and your sexual fantasy suggestions. He would probably love it if we did a role-play. Do I have to??? Honestly, we have done this sort of thing before in the midst of our games and such. He really likes this, but I haven't really been in the mood for this lately. I guess I'm a little bored with our relationship.

You're right about taking safe risks, but I sure would like to do the opposite. The sheer excitement of it makes me hot. I know it's wrong and I am conservative and shy enough to never act on this. Thank goodness or my marriage wouldn't have a chance.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Ok, this may be too personal, but you've been married 19 years and no infidelity? What's your secret? (Anything new?)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> Ok, this may be too personal, but you've been married 19 years and no infidelity? What's your secret? (Anything new?)


Jeeeeez, guiltygirl!
We both worked at it. We were both committed to it most of the time, but when one wasn't the other was. But I have to say we are now having the best time with each other ever. What has really done it for me is two things I suppose: 

Despite the fact that we are very different types, we have a similar view of reality - this was not always the case, but it has developed over the last 5 years.

The other thing is she has finally not only grasped the importance to me of high quality sex, but is enjoying it for herself. And so together we are exploring this arena, and having fun.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> You and your sexual fantasy suggestions. He would probably love it if we did a role-play. Do I have to??? Honestly, we have done this sort of thing before in the midst of our games and such. He really likes this, but I haven't really been in the mood for this lately. I guess I'm a little bored with our relationship.


Yes! But get him to do it how you want it. I bet you want him to be...... You must above all keep up the playfulness. That is the other thing that has really helped me with my wife. We fool around and make each other laugh.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Sorry MT- I shouldn't have asked that. I know I can be infuriating. I truly am seeking sound advice. I have difficulty thinking of personal fantasies myself. I just go with what he wants to do. When we are playful, things are always better though. My moods seem to be the biggest issue. Sorry if I have been too open with you. Thanks for the advice.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You are cool, stop fretting


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

guiltygirl said:


> Sorry MT- I shouldn't have asked that. I know I can be infuriating. I truly am seeking sound advice. I have difficulty thinking of personal fantasies myself. I just go with what he wants to do. When we are playful, things are always better though. My moods seem to be the biggest issue. Sorry if I have been too open with you. Thanks for the advice.



We are here for you, stay with it.

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks guys...I feel blessed to have you both on the forum. I will just take it one day at a time. It sounds so cliche, but it's all I can do at this point.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

guiltygirl said:


> Thanks guys...I feel blessed to have you both on the forum. I will just take it one day at a time. It sounds so cliche, but it's all I can do at this point.



That is all you need to do.

When I went through depression, I had to take it one event at a time, mostly that half an hour.


draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I know this a relationship forum, but I had to get on here and vent. I went to my hip-hop class tonight and it was horrible. Now, I have to let go of one of my true loves for the time being. I am so depressed. Sorry, just had to get that out. I'll have to figure out something else to do to get me out of the house from time to time. It's so hard to find "true" hip-hop classes. Anyway, sorry so irrelevant. Thanks for letting me vent. (I feel like I am talking to the computer...kinda stupid, huh?)


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

guiltygirl said:


> I know this a relationship forum, but I had to get on here and vent. I went to my hip-hop class tonight and it was horrible. Now, I have to let go of one of my true loves for the time being. I am so depressed. Sorry, just had to get that out. I'll have to figure out something else to do to get me out of the house from time to time. It's so hard to find "true" hip-hop classes. Anyway, sorry so irrelevant. Thanks for letting me vent. (I feel like I am talking to the computer...kinda stupid, huh?)


I do it all the time (talk to the computer) so to speak. Venting is always the first step and always helpful. Why did you have to leave the hip-hop class?

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

It wasn't "true" hip-hop. I was miserable. We were doing jazz and ballet moves and it just doesn't fit my style of hip-hop. I miss dancing so much...but this class was not a good fit for me unfortunately. Maybe someday I'll get take another class...I hope.

Thanks for the response.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl-

This is not off-topic at all. You need to find another class quick as this is your safety-valve. It also represents part of your independence.

How is the role play going? Got any good scripts to share ?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I love dancing but my MD restricts me now.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

draconis said:


> I love dancing but my MD restricts me now.
> 
> draconis


I love dancing but my wife restricts me now


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Draconis- don't worry...there's lots of other ways to have fun...maybe modified dancing? How do you find the strength within yourself to be so grounded, while also providing others with such generosity and warmth? You amaze me.

MT- I didn't think anyone could restrict you from anything...you're so open and carefree. My husband hates dancing, so if we go out, he just sits there while I dance for hours. It's kind of sad, and mean on my part...but, hey, I only get to go dancing a couple of times a year if I'm lucky. 

How did the topic of depression lead to dancing? (I know...it was me) I guess I'm a bit obsessive about things. Oh well!


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Something funny I saw today...you know how people write "Just Married" on the back of their cars after they're married. I saw a car that had "Just Divorced" written on the back of it. It was so funny! I guess some people celebrate divorce in the same way they do marriage. I had never seen such a thing...just had to share.


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## wanderluster (Sep 4, 2008)

I must say, it's hard to read from your paragraph, (besides the fact that you state that he is your husband) that he is your husband.You come from another direction. I think you have had some trouble feeling as though the circumstances of your situation are as permanent as marriage would imply? Does that distance in and of itself deny your husband the desire and drive he needs to keep engaging you? He will most likeyly become irritated and discomforted by mood swings. If he hasn't been able to alter his terms in the relationship based on your needs he will quickly learn that your being out of control your moods and interpretations puts him in a real third or fourth person seat, as far as managing the relationship goes. There is so much to give in a relationship that has understanding. People act like communication is the single most threat to marriage and happiness if absent, or not well executed. But I think there are a lot of things that factor into why marriages fail, and one of the more common ones is not recognizing that our communication within _ourselves_ is sub-par, restricting us from really understanding and knowing our own wants and needs. Negotiating our ideas about what we'd like to see happen in our relationship's future, keeps the doors of communication open to *US*, helps us not to get bored, or stagnant. I would see about discontinuing the attempt to battle your indifference adn perhaps real feelings with the meds. There are ways to experience happiness by understanding what you would like to happen and using the right medication or mental aid to enable you to get the first step going. 

Good Luck, I know there are many ways to live life, what're your thoughts on where you are, and where you'd like to be?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

We all deal with what we have. Sometimes something that seems rotten makes us understand just what really is good.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl-
You are missing out on a huge opportunity here. You are missing out on harnessing the power of the male sex drive. Make a deal with your husband... Take me dancing, and I will repay with extra hot sex. Simple as that. Tell him he has got to help you find the right venues.

If you go through with this type of deal, you must not renege on your end of the deal - even though he might do his best, but occasionally you will end up in a stupidly boring dance hall. My wife once did a deal with me a little bit like this - it was all her idea and the result was quite... ahem, interesting. 

You see, it's all based on what FEEDS you. Sex feeds him. Dance feeds you. So get swapping. If you approach this right, he will trip over himself to find dance venues.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I'm not too sure MT. I'll consider this idea though. See new post.


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