# I'm confused means there's someone else



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Notice that? I've been reading here since October and it seems like there's common theme. The spouse claims to be uncertain or confused. The faithful spouse believes there is no one else and even gets angry defending it and boom - eventually it comes out - there is someone else. If my spouse ever come with that 'I'm confused' speech, I'll save us the stress and agony and simply ask, 'what's her name?'
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Golf, I am SO glad you posted this thread because I have been meaning to post something similar for awhile now. 

There is a general SCRIPT the Waywards all follow and "I'm confused, not sure, need space, ILYBNILWY" is all part of it. 

The pattern is the same, so much so that we can almost always tell from reading the first paragraph or five sentences how the story is going to play out.

It's sad.

I was posting to Lost in another thread and will copy/paste here. Lost had said to me that he noticed I ask in a lot of these threads if there is a third party involved and/or is it possible that the wayward is having an affair and this was my response:

_Lost, I do ask it a lot and I do it because I have read about these situations many many times on these boards and on others. 

Most affair stories all sound the same, and you will see the pattern the longer you keep reading many peoples stories. It generally goes like this (and anyone else posting, feel free to add):

*My wife/husband has told me out of the blue that ILYBINILWY and they want out of the marriage. They have been acting emotionally distant and angry with me and they're saying they are completely done, there is nothing to work on and they dont want to go to counselling, there is nothing leflt to repair.

I asked him/her if there is someone else and they told me "No." I believe him/her because he/she doesn't have the time to do that anyway plus he/she has always despised cheating.

Idk what to do! I am at a loss. I keep reaching out to him/her but it seems its making it worse.*

Then a few weeks later, you see the OP posting *"OMG I just found out there is OW/OM. WTH!!!!"*

Now I'm not saying that is your case but all the red flags are there. Go and read Lonely's thread on Going Thru Divorce. (Sorry to call you out, Lonely, but it's the perfect illustration of this). 

Whether she is involved with a third party or NOT, you need to accept her position that it's over. Do not fight her on this. Think about when you tried to dump someone and they could.not.let.it.go. It appalled you right???

So it would do you good to do a total 180, stop MC (since sh said she is done) and IMO, write her a letter saying something like this (in your own words):

"Wife, I love you. And I married you for life. But I've come to realize I have been trying to hold you against your will. That is not loving. If you want to seaprate and you feel ti is the best thing for you, then I respect your decision. I do not want to be in a relationship where there isn't 100% committment from both sides. If you decide you want to work on this marriage with me, then we can discuss that, but in the meantime, I am letting you go. Love should be free."

This does two things:

1. Makes her realize she is, in fact, FREE. And being FREE may not be something she actually likes once she sees you're not there for her anymore. Ever wanted to go out somewhere and your parnets told you as a teen you couldn't go and you were even more pissed off. Then they relented and you got to the party and ti was ... well...lame. And you would have rather been at home instead watching your favorite TV show? That is what happens. 

2. You get your self-respect back. because instead of having NO plan and being in LIMBO (Hell on Earth), you can now move forward knowing you're not waiting for her to make a decision for you. And because you have taken initiative and stated your boundaries, she will respect that. 

Get it? 

Oh and it's not at all uncommon for the Wayward not to want to file for divorce. You see it every day on these threads. They usually keep you on a string until they soak up the courage to end it themselves or will wait for the other one to do it so they can't say they "terminated" the marriage, which is utter BS. _


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Heck yeah, this is spot on. They should write this in a user's manual you should get when you apply for a marriage license.  

I think it does all follow a script, but it's really hard to see when you are in the position of unconditional love for your spouse, and looking at them through those eyes. If we were able to step back and see it through different eyes, it would be apparent.

I think the pattern isn't always immediately, "I want out" either. But I do think it's a change in behavior, followed by a general non-commitment to working on the marriage, but at the same time saying I love you, and I wish we could work it out, but I just don't think we can. We've grown apart. 

Glad I could be a case study. Sucks to be here. But I can say that hopefully I've learned a major lesson...and I don't ever end up in this position again!

I really loved Decimated's post, "I want to have an affair!". That was also the perfect example of a textbook infidelity case. One day, I'll share it with stbx H and maybe he'll realize just how textbook he was.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yep i was one of these people,I was so freaking sure there is no one


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Heck yeah, this is spot on. They should write this in a user's manual you should get when you apply for a marriage license.
> 
> I think it does all follow a script, but it's really hard to see when you are in the position of unconditional love for your spouse, and looking at them through those eyes. If we were able to step back and see it through different eyes, it would be apparent.
> 
> ...


It's crazy! I would read threads - husband dropped a bomb - long distance trucker on road 24/7 - suddenly the speech ILYBNILWY. Thought to myself - nah - not this one - when? His wife - nope - not a chance... Well sure enough - somehow he managed and is cheating. So very sad!
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think the reason waywards waffle and don't cut it off immediately is beacuse they KNOW the affair is wrong and want to weigh all their options first. If they truly wanted to cut it off, they would just up and leave. 

The ones who don't file I believe either want to:

1. wait out the affair and see how it goes while they have their safe spouse waiting until they decide and/or 
2. are afraid of the $$$ rammifications

Both options are cowardly. Both are self-serving. Either way though, the FASTER the left behind spouse CUTS THEM OFF and let's them know they won't be waiting for them when they get back, the BETTER chance of busting up their fog. 

Because when someone tells you they are done and unsure, they don't have your best interest anymore. And the sooner you see that and detach, the better for YOU.

The stories I've read where one spuse cannot at all let go and keeps letting them cake eat--those are the worst ones and the longer it goes on, the tinier the chance of reconciliation is.


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## 3girls2luv (Apr 15, 2011)

I am in similar situation with wayward spouse. Married for 13 yrs with 3 girls (11,8,4). Two months ago she told me that she wanted to separate. She's still with me and is looking to buy house; however, she is unable to qualify due to married status. Lender said she's still responsible for current mortgage;therefore, current and new mortgage together would create more debt and cause her to unqualify the amount she's seeking. I'm looking to pay out her share of the house by refinance cash out. Her agent suggested we (both of us) buy the new home together and split it after the divorce. Having thoughs about this, as well many who warned me against co-ownership at this point, I plan to tell her tonight that I won't buy new home with her. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Once she got the cash and her name off the title, I will ask her to move out (is there way to do this sooner?). Currently, she's dating under my roof under the pretense of going out with coworker and friends! Since I pay for most of the bills, it's not fair for me to subsidize her new life style.

On the emotional side, it has taken 8 weeks to get past confusion, denial, anger states. I'm still griefing (a bit) and I'm getting stronger everyday at accepting the full truth of our relationship, that she won't come back and I must go on. Jellybean made a good point about showing the wayward spouse that I can bounce back from grief and cut the relationship off quickly. My wife is in the fantasy, romance mode right now and that would wake her up from the fog.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^ I would NOT recommend buying a home with her. At all. SHe is the one leaving your marriage and dating others right now, you don't reward someone with a HOUSE by co-signing it if they don't want to be with you anymore. That is crazy! Tell her and her agent to stuff it!

File for divorce and soon! And you should not leave the home at all. She wants the marriage to end--she can leave!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

3girls2luv said:


> I am in similar situation with wayward spouse. Married for 13 yrs with 3 girls (11,8,4). Two months ago she told me that she wanted to separate. She's still with me and is looking to buy house; however, she is unable to qualify due to married status. Lender said she's still responsible for current mortgage;therefore, current and new mortgage together would create more debt and cause her to unqualify the amount she's seeking. I'm looking to pay out her share of the house by refinance cash out. Her agent suggested we (both of us) buy the new home together and split it after the divorce. Having thoughs about this, as well many who warned me against co-ownership at this point, I plan to tell her tonight that I won't buy new home with her. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Once she got the cash and her name off the title, I will ask her to move out (is there way to do this sooner?). Currently, she's dating under my roof under the pretense of going out with coworker and friends! Since I pay for most of the bills, it's not fair for me to subsidize her new life style.
> 
> On the emotional side, it has taken 8 weeks to get past confusion, denial, anger states. I'm still griefing (a bit) and I'm getting stronger everyday at accepting the full truth of our relationship, that she won't come back and I must go on. Jellybean made a good point about showing the wayward spouse that I can bounce back from grief and cut the relationship off quickly. My wife is in the fantasy, romance mode right now and that would wake her up from the fog.


I wouldn't either. Maybe her new man can sign on with her. I'm sorry you're going through that. And sorry for your kids.
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## 3girls2luv (Apr 15, 2011)

Told wife this morning that I won't co-sign with her. She was surprised, saying "how can I find her own place if you don't help me?" WTH. Then she broke down crying, saying she wanted a separated place (not an apartment since her therapist said she needs a house for our 3 girls if we were to split 50/50 custody) to enable us to work on our issues. I told her the moment she dated people from Match.com, she won't be able to work on the issues and our relationship is gone at that point. She said they are just casual meetings, nothing serious. Should I believe this this sh*t? Just a matter of time those casual relationship turns into serious. I also found out she signed up for online dating membership last year- 2 weeks before she told me (2nd time) about our issue. To me, she had already made up her mind about leaving at that time, telling me later was just to get rid of her guilt. Anybody agreed?

When I ask her if she want to make our relationship work, there was a long silence. When ask again, she said "don't know". I just think she wants to move on but was unable to move forward because I hold the $$ card. After further crying and ranting about my petty issues (why didn't I fold the laundry while she was in Vegas, why didn't I have the girls at home waiting for her returning from the trip?), she decided to rent apartment and move out, telling me to not bother with cash out. What should be my next move?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

3girls2luv said:


> . I also found out she signed up for online dating membership last year- 2 weeks before she told me (2nd time) about our issue. To me, she had already made up her mind about leaving at that time, telling me later was just to get rid of her guilt. Anybody agreed?


This is one of the worst cake-eating stories on here. Seriously, she is sick.
She told you she got online dating sites to ease her guilt? So going on dating sitesi to find people to f*ck and date is the way to relieve her guilt? Is she SERIOUS????? OH HELL NO! And she got pissed when you wouldn't cou-sign a HOUSE with her so she can carry on her dandy way, destroying your marriage/family and date other people?

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN YESTERDAY.

Stop her dead in her tracks. Tell her you are done with her completely. She has issues


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> This is one of the worst cake-eating stories on here. Seriously, she is sick.
> She told you she got online dating sites to ease her guilt? So going on dating sitesi to find people to f*ck and date is the way to relieve her guilt? Is she SERIOUS????? OH HELL NO! And she got pissed when you wouldn't cou-sign a HOUSE with her so she can carry on her dandy way, destroying your marriage/family and date other people?
> 
> PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN YESTERDAY.
> ...


Get her offer to not bother on cash out in writing.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We need to start a wayward script thread, Golf.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Golfer I haven't been here long but even I've started to see the theme. At first I defend "oh it's possible there is no one else" then bam not long later the update comes and sure enough there is someone else.

I think there should be a script thread too.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Golfer I haven't been here long but even I've started to see the theme. At first I defend "oh it's possible there is no one else" then bam not long later the update comes and sure enough there is someone else.
> 
> I think there should be a script thread too.


Yes we should! I see IRL people I love and respect make these choices. It's sad!
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