# "Trust me" or "I trust him/her"



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

This was one of the best posts I've seen on boundaries and what it means to have integrity in a relationship. It was by Entropy and figured I'd share it. It sums up quite nicely what I think when I hear people say "trust me" or "I trust her". It's in response to a post where a guy is uncomfortable with his wife seeing a man in person but "trusts her" that they can text/message with no problem because the OM is not viewed as a threat. He doesn't want them to meet alone without him being there and she is considering it anyway: "trust me".



> Honesty and integrity are wonderful. However, people with honesty and integrity with poor boundaries become involved in EAs all of the time. They are less likely to go into the bond intending to be unfaithful but it is chemical and effects their behavior none-the-less. They bond and fall in love. They obtain a dopamine rush. They miss the other person when not near them. They will fight against thier own spouse to be with the affair partner. This is not conjecture. It is actual science. People with honesty and integrity who play with addictive drugs are not to be trusted.
> 
> Consider integrity and what it really means. I suggest that true integrity requires boundaries. That honesty includes transparency. One would hope that integrity and honesty will help a person to love and respect thier mate. What can happen however is that the definition of that "primary" mate can actually change to the affair partner. In other words they love but are not in love with their "primary" mate any longer. They receive the in love feelings from another person. So this becomes a dilemma that must be reconciled. They become bonded to another and loyal to that other person against their own spouse. They feel confused. Then history re-writing to justify this behavior.
> 
> ...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Often "I trust him/her" is synonymous with "I'm turning a blind eye". 

People use the word trust as some type of weapon. "Don't you trust me???". If you have to ask, then NO. I don't.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Often "I trust him/her" is synonymous with "I'm turning a blind eye".
> 
> People use the word trust as some type of weapon. "Don't you trust me???". If you have to ask, then NO. I don't.


"I'm putting myself in a bad situation that forces me to rely on sheer willpower or my committment to stay out of trouble."

or to put it another way

"I'm going to get as close to the edge of this cliff as I can, but trust me that nothing will happen."

The appropriate statement is, "I'm going to stay as far out of harm's way as possible so that you CAN trust me."


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

COguy said:


> "I'm putting myself in a bad situation that forces me to rely on sheer willpower or my committment to stay out of trouble."
> 
> or to put it another way
> 
> ...


When the spouse says 'dont you trust me?', they know that trust is very diminished. A signal that something is very wrong in the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"When the spouse says 'dont you trust me?', they know that trust is very diminished. A signal that something is very wrong in the relationship."--angryandused

The statement was used towards me more often as a condemnation for not being automatically trusting.... it was an insult to everything between us that had already been proven.

Its a simpleton and meager way to manipulate you..


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

My h never really said "don't you trust me?" but rather said if I had written the stuff he wrote to another man he would not have a problem because he trusted me. I told him if I has written those same things to another man I would already be falling in love with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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