# Having Real Trouble Coping With Insecurties



## StuckInABadPlace (Oct 24, 2010)

Hello, My wife of almost 8 years cheated on me for the second time about 7 mths ago. The first time she cheated, we were almost a year into out relationship. Anyway this last time, we were fighting a lot. I acted like I didn't really give a **** and then we would get over it and things would be fine. So after a few mths of things going better, less fights etc. We got married. Not long after she had to go back to her hometown to see her mother, who had a heart attack. We would call and talk to eachtoher every night. About two weeks into her visit, Her calls became less meaningful, and were now like, hows the weather etc. I asked what was up and she started a fight with me. It continued until I hung up on her. I couldn't get a hold of her and she would not answer a phone for a little over a week. Finally I got a hold of her father and asked him to tell her to call me about divorce papers. About 40 mins later, she called. She told me she did not want a divorce and then we argued for a few mins. She screamed in the middle of my arguing that she was and had cheated on me. I felt like someone had hit me with a building and screamed tearfully, "How could you, I've been faithful to you." She was actually at the other mans house when she called me and he was there. She told him the affair was over and left and came back and I forgave her. The other man has called her twice talking **** until I told him I would drive to his house and kill him and I did mean what I said. We had a few fights from his phone calls and it bothered me she wasn't rude with him when she got on the phone with me the second time he had called. After that things seemed pretty good. Her mother had another heart attack 2 weeks ago and of course she is back up there with her. We talk every night and it's really good convos on key etc. Though tonight she didn't call and he mother said she was not at the hospital with her today. No answer at the home phone. I have been through all this having HUGE insecurities with the issue. I asked her not to go to clubs, or even her girlfriends houses over night. She asked me one night after I had asked her not to and I said I didn't care and I was not her father. I of course didn't mean it, but I didn't want to make more of an issue with my already horrible insecurties. She went and I had a hell of a time dealing the entire night and drank through half a bottle of whiskey. SO tonight I'm having those same problems, thinking the worse, having trouble dealing and debating on getting that bottle of whiskey to numb the pain and crash. How am I goign to get over this. Am I eve going to be normal again. While she is there, I honestly don't truly trust her. I'm paranoid she is out cheating again and only this time not telling me. I haven't sought out any help for my feelings besides this and do not plan to. I'm hoping the best cure will just be time. It's difficult though and I'm looking for alternatives to deal with the thoughts. Any help would greatly be appreciated. BTW I'm no gem. Out side of the being faithful part, I was verbally abusive at times and neglectful others.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this. One of my biggest issues with her behaviour would be the fact that she knows how much pain this is causing you but does nothing to allay your fears. To me this says that she is putting her and the OM's needs ahead of yours. 

Explain that to her and make sure that she knows that there is a limit to the poor treatment that you will take otherwise there is little incentive for her to stop what she is doing.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is a serial cheater. And does not seem to have a problem rubbing your nose in it. Get some counseling and a new wife.


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## Valencia Merble (Jun 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear this. I also struggle with big insecurities after my DH's affair. I think I am not good enough, he nitpicks a lot of what I do and say and I constantly feel beneath him. I tell him how he makes me feel but I think the reason he doesn't care/still does it is because he doesn't really love me. I think he wants to be elsewhere.

Your wife should know why you feel insecure and should be trying to assure you. I always had a one-strike rule and said I wouldn't stay if anyone cheated on me. I am still here and give you credit for doing the same after two times. But you need to step back, as I have, and evaluate if you can ever trust her again. If there is doubt, you either need counseling with or without her OR you need to leave to stop the hurt. I know... definitely easier said than done since I am still mulling it all over myself. 

Just take each new day as another day to try to make it work. Some days are good, others are bad. I hope you find some ease and relief of "friends" on here that know your pain.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When my wife cheated on me 7 years into our marriage there were no real consequences. I resented it for years and emotional walked out of the marraige so another 13 years of marriage she has been with 19 other men. Yes 20 in total.

There is a thing that I believe exists #1 poeple have bad character when they cheat #2 they have a problematic relationship that causes the cheating, a by by product of a unhealthy marraige.

So many years ago we never addressed her 1st affair and it increased. I have to tell your chick is cheating again and your not insecure...its your intuition trying to protect you. I suggest you look at this now and address it.

What I mean is look at your self and make a dicision in what you want out of this marriage. Are you willing to except the fact that you will push her away by what you need to do? Take the time to rationalize the out come when you stand up and tell her this is not what you want out of this marriage. Once you can come to term to the possible out come (hope for the best but prepare for the worst) it will be better for you.

Empower your self do not beg or plead for her, but set the boundries for your self...the wall you put up to protect your self from more pain, and make a dicision.

Do you want her? then what our your term? be prepared she may walk. She may heed your words and come back...only to manage you until the next time.

My point is show her the tough love, but in the same breath acknowledge her feelings. Let her know you understand she is hurting but you will not stand for her to get comfort from another man. And you will send her her things to her parents house or she can come home right now to repair the marriage.
Granted her mom is ill but your marriage is also ill and you are looking for her to help rebuild it. She must stop all contact with OM. It is on the line and it sucks but being with her mom in time of need and having access to the OM at the same time is wrong and the consequence is leaving her mom. It sucks but she has but this on her self by acting this way.

Bottom line is you diserve good things and her deciet is disrespectful and you will not tolorate it. This will push her away, and sometimes we have to let the ones we love go. You can not control her but you can control what you will tolorate. So let her go and hope she comes back with a new commitment in the marraige.

This **** ain't easy but if she doesn't get the perseption that you are confident in moving on she will walk all over you. It sucks but pushung her away will only help her get a taste of what she will loose.

Face it her cheating...back then and even now is something you will deal with, its how to get her to understand that you are confident in moving on with out her and you will not tolorate her behavior anymore.

Empower your self by showing confidence and a man that demands respect, no matter how bad he was it the past. You have now made the changes to better your self *not* for her but for you, you diserve good things and her behavior indicates that she wants something other then a commitment to the marrage.

See she needs to do the heavy lifting for you to heal with her and the marriage. She is not providing that so then as a strong alpha male you will do it with out her.

Show her a confident man that knows he will succedd with or with out her and she is more then welcome to come a long with a new and better man. You will not beg her..it is her choice to come home right now and fix this or stay there with the OM and you will send her her things.

Be prepsred she is in the fog of an affair and she may call your bluff, so don't bluff and be sure that you can move on with out her.

Or do what you did the 1st time she cheated and go through a 20 year marriage of resentment and unhealthy behaviors like I did. What a waste

Sorry for the rant, your post hit close to home.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Got me! this post is way old and I put so much effort in repling.

I hate when that happens

At least I got to vent so at least I'm all good with that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

the guy said:


> Got me! this post is way old and I put so much effort in repling.
> 
> I hate when that happens
> 
> At least I got to vent so at least I'm all good with that.


Hey don't feel bad. How do you know if there isn't another male lurker who is experiencing the same issue as he is or for that matter your past self?

Your comments still carry a lot of value no matter if the poster is long gone.

I would suggest that you save your valuable comment for another thread for another man/woman seeking help.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I just jumped onto this and have to say nice work Guy.


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