# Erection issue or affair?



## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Hubby and I have sex probably twice a week, which is fine. The problem is lately he has had problems keeping it erect. And he NEVER used to. He is not even 30 yrs old. I feel like it is me, he says it isn't. He says things like: I was hot, I was tired, It was the condom. But these things have been the case before and there was no issue. We have 2 kids, but I weigh about 140. No stretch marks, and I keep in shape (kegels too, haha). I work hard to not look like crap. I dress nice, keep my hair done, not bogged down with makeup. Nothing about my appearance has changed. So my mind wanders to an affair....even though I know I probably shouldn't think this way.


Anyone else man or woman have this problem? Any insight?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

need more info
in of itself this not proof of an affair
do you have other red flags? why do you suspect that?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I wouldn't suspect that at all. in my early days I always had girls on the side (not married, but in relationship)....

if anything cheating would make him more horny. in my experience. 

from what you just posted....me, me, me, me (weight, workout, gettin hair did etc) I would suspect it to be him not "connecting" with you.

something about women who gotta be perfect that is far from arousing. maybe if you backed off it may help? spontanaity does it for me...


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

There was one thing. I went into his linkden(sp?) account and a girl thanked him for "sponsoring" her and asked him to do it again cause she Djs and his response was "Do you really?? " Im confused with the lingo of that site, but a wink face usually means flirting in my book. I haven't mentioned it by the way. Honestly because I want to be able to look again to see if anything is going on. 

And I'm far from perfect, just don't want to be a frumpy wife. I posted those things to show that I haven't let myself go. 

I thought if he was giving someone else all the good stuff, I'm getting left with the barely there boners. 

IDK...I'm hurt too.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

guys go through phases IMO

when we 1st dated...like rabbits...

this went on for a few years.

after marriage there was a period where I was "referencing the spank bank" during sex......this definitely can cause a boner to die when your not focused on her.

then it grew into never referencing the spank bank. love making? I dunno.....just phases on my part.

maybe he senses your not satisfied. this is a MAJOR bone killer!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> There was one thing. I went into his linkden(sp?) account and a girl thanked him for "sponsoring" her and asked him to do it again cause she Djs and his response was "Do you really?? " Im confused with the lingo of that site, but a wink face usually means flirting in my book. I haven't mentioned it by the way. Honestly because I want to be able to look again to see if anything is going on.
> 
> And I'm far from perfect, just don't want to be a frumpy wife. I posted those things to show that I haven't let myself go.
> 
> ...


Seems to me that is enough to keep digging, even if it is not proof by itself.

Have there been any other changes in his life, such as family, job, or health? ED can be a sign of more serious issues.

Also, does he view porn? If so, how much and when?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Hubby never watches porn and when he does, its together on a rare occasion. 

I am satisfied overall. I understand men have days just like women...but its been like 4 times in the last month. 

I have to find out whats going on. I cant live like this.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

if a wink on the interweb is flirting then my wife better just go ahead and file now.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

There hasn't been any life changes...except I am going back to work part time, but he is happy about that. He has been more attentive and complimentary to me. He says he is going to do all these things to me, but when we get in the bedroom its like: wah wah wahhhh!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is he password protecting his phone or computer?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> if a wink on the interweb is flirting then my wife better just go ahead and file now.


Well what the hell is he winking for??? Plus, when we first met, he was heavy into Djing. So I KNOW, this wink was an attraction thing.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> is he password protecting his phone or computer?


Yes, but he lets out 7 yr old play on the phone and she knows the password and she opened the phone for me, so now I know it. He has all his emails and such linked to that phone. So I dont want to prematurely say anything about this.

And he has used the internet to cheat before, before we got married. Like 7 years ago. He doesn't have a FB, or Twitter or any messaging service cause it was a stipulation of us staying together.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

then investigate

VAR in the car
keylogger on computer
may behoove you to check his backup files for deleted texts


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my hubby was winking at people on linkedin I'd hit the roof. He has a history though.

Have you looked through his phone?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If my hubby was winking at people on linkedin I'd hit the roof. He has a history though.
> 
> Have you looked through his phone?


Yes, thats where I found the linkden account. 

Checked his texts. I saw some things I could make something out of, but I tend to make things out of things prematurely. 

He was talking to a guy friend and his friend says "Glad we talked, I hope I help you." (???? Talked about what) AND this friend is into swinging wives...Idk..I feel something about that.

Then the same friend goes "Got my sex drive back"...hubby says "You banged her"...friend says "yes"...he says "nice" This is the same guy who says he and his friends NEVER talk about sex.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

He has trouble getting hard and keeping it up and you're both very young and in your primes.

You keep yourself in great shape and sexy for him.

Only times I couldn't get it up and was soft, I was stressed out and tired but that's only happened 2x in 13+ years of marriage.

I would guess porn might be the culprit. You honestly think he'd watch all his porn with you?

If he is having an affair, the drop in sex would be sudden and he would be cold soon there after. There was another post that had this exact thing happen.

Does he have low test at his age? Doubt it.

If he was having an EA, he would be more in the mood, I know I would be......


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm 100% sure he doesn't watch porn. When we first met, he was 20 and had a bunch of porn and over the years it has just gotten tossed. We have 2 porn movies in this house, we blow the dust off once in a while. His computer is through his work so thats all he does on there. And when I looked at his web history there was no porn there either. 

I am one who doesn't think ALL men HAVE to watch porn. In this case if there was a toss up btwn the porn and an affair, it would DEFINITELY be the affair. 

I'm gonna take ur advice and stop having sex and see what happens.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> He has trouble getting hard and keeping it up and you're both very young and in your primes.
> 
> You keep yourself in great shape and sexy for him.
> 
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> I'm 100% sure he doesn't watch porn. When we first met, he was 20 and had a bunch of porn and over the years it has just gotten tossed. We have 2 porn movies in this house, we blow the dust off once in a while. His computer is through his work so thats all he does on there. And when I looked at his web history there was no porn there either.
> 
> I am one who doesn't think ALL men HAVE to watch porn. In this case if there was a toss up btwn the porn and an affair, it would DEFINITELY be the affair.
> 
> I'm gonna take ur advice and stop having sex and see what happens.


Ahhh I was responding as you posted this lol. Yea, I'm with you on the not all men have to watch porn. You're not alone


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> I'm 100% sure he doesn't watch porn. When we first met, he was 20 and had a bunch of porn and over the years it has just gotten tossed. We have 2 porn movies in this house, we blow the dust off once in a while. His computer is through his work so thats all he does on there. And when I looked at his web history there was no porn there either.
> 
> I am one who doesn't think ALL men HAVE to watch porn. In this case if there was a toss up btwn the porn and an affair, it would DEFINITELY be the affair.
> 
> ...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

vspinkgrl said:


> He doesn't have a FB, or Twitter or any messaging service cause it was a stipulation of us staying together.


A most excellent idea. :smthumbup:


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I guess its me and old faithful for a while.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't know ... I wouldn't read too much into it at this point. The wink ... I "wink" on texts, emails, etc. and it means very little. Lots of things can effect the quality of an erection. I know if I'm not getting enough sleep or I have a lot of stress at that moment, it can have an impact on the quality of my erection ... I'll still get one but it might not be as strong or last as long. Anything where my head isn't completely in the game so to speak. That was as true in my 20s as it is now. Another thing that might affect it is how recently or how often I've taken matters into "my own hand." Sexual boredom might do that too ... if sex becomes routine, I might lose that edge. Pre-marriage I had an HD girlfriend who wanted sex all the time and everywhere. It was always different. That was hot to say the least. Some other things will help make my erection unusually strong. 

Like I said, I wouldn't be quick to read too much into it. Trust but verify.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

vspinkgrl said:


> Hubby never watches porn and when he does, its together on a rare occasion.
> 
> I am satisfied overall. I understand men have days just like women...but its been like 4 times in the last month.
> 
> I have to find out whats going on. I cant live like this.


What has your reaction been to these four instances? Have you been obviously disappointed? Angry? Tearful? Erection issues, like 'White coat syndrome' can take on a life of their own.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

I didn't say anything the first couple times, I asked if something was wrong and that was it. Haven't been obviously disappointed. 

Since I discovered the little wink face crap, I have been a bit nagging.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Once a cheat always a cheat.... dig deeper. Somethings up.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Something could be up, or it could be nothing.

Why is it every time a guy has a problem, it has to be either a "porn issue", or "he's cheating"?

As a man who likes to think he has a brain that oftentimes impact how I feel about sex, I offer it could be any of the following...

He's tired.
He's bored.
He's not excited enough.
He's stressed at work.
He's pissed off at you.
He's pissed off at his boss.
He's pissed he feels like a walking wallet.
He's pissed off at the cat.
He's hot.
He's cold.
He's worried about finances.
He's worried about his mom.
He's worried you're worried you're not sexy enough.
He's lost senstitivity.
He's frustrated that it's the "same way every time".
You're (both) in a rut.
He can't figure out how to get the lawn mower started.
Etc., etc., etc.

It could be so many things. The LEAST of which is typically that you're not attractive to him.

Things he says like "he was hot, he was tired, it was the condom"...while typically in the beginning are not an issue, can really screw up a guys head when he's trying to FOCUS on what's happening at the moment AND there's a sense of familiarity or lack of excitement to "pull him in". And yes, we do need to "clear our heads" and focus. That's not a slam on the woman we're with. It may mean we need some help "getting our head in the game". MAKE him focus. Do something a little different and unexpected. Get him "ramped up" before the "big event". 

We are not "walking hard ons" like we were when we were teenage boys. If we're getting it fairly regularly, we often can get bored...even if we howl like a coyote with its foot in a leg trap if we're not getting any. 

Try to engage his mind a little more (if you haven't already) by doing different things. If that doesn't work, then look for deeper issues. Onset of ED being the first, and assuming there aren't any real "red flags", an affair being more towards the bottom of the list.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

vspinkgrl said:


> Hubby and I have sex probably twice a week, which is fine. The problem is lately he has had problems keeping it erect. And he NEVER used to. He is not even 30 yrs old. I feel like it is me, he says it isn't. He says things like: I was hot, I was tired, It was the condom. But these things have been the case before and there was no issue. We have 2 kids, but I weigh about 140. No stretch marks, and I keep in shape (kegels too, haha). I work hard to not look like crap. I dress nice, keep my hair done, not bogged down with makeup. Nothing about my appearance has changed. So my mind wanders to an affair....even though I know I probably shouldn't think this way.
> 
> 
> Anyone else man or woman have this problem? Any insight?


Hate to tell you this, but guilt is a very real reason for loss of erection. Especially if he starts ok with you, but then it suddenly goes limp 

Happened to my H right after he had a ONS with a work colleague at a conference. I obviously didn't know that was the reason at the time, and of course I took it personal.

He even went to the doctor and the doctor asked if he'd done anything to be guilty about.

I found out months later that just before before this erection problem started he'd been unfaithful to me. This continued to happen, intermittently until the truth finally came out.....and even when he'd only given me partial truth it still happened occasionally.

Doesn't happen any more  which I'm hoping means I have the full truth.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

Obviously there are many other reasons, stress, health etc...but guilt was one of the first things the doctor suggested because my H age (38)


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Talked about it this AM. He says I haven't been involved lately and its been a little routine. I can give him that. I've been preoccupied with starting work and stressing over care for the baby. 
I still didn't mention the wink face. He doesn't have any time for a PA(I may have gotten carried away there), He always comes straight home from work and doesn't do much on the weekend... but he could be flirting on linkden. I will CERTAINLY be keeping an eye on that. 
Other than that, I shall step up my intimacy a bit and get things back on track. 
Thanks again everyone.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

vspinkgrl said:


> Talked about it this AM. He says I haven't been involved lately and its been a little routine. I can give him that. I've been preoccupied with starting work and stressing over care for the baby.
> I still didn't mention the wink face. He doesn't have any time for a PA(I may have gotten carried away there), He always comes straight home from work and doesn't do much on the weekend... but he could be flirting on linkden. I will CERTAINLY be keeping an eye on that.
> Other than that, I shall step up my intimacy a bit and get things back on track.
> Thanks again everyone.


Like I said, i hope it isn't because he's been or being unfaithful to you, in either a physical way or an emotional way.

FYI, i never thought my H had the opportunity either, work then home, never went out alone except compulsory work conferences....trusted him 100%

Trust him but try to verify things, and for what its worth, i think you are a wise lady to observe and say nothing about the winky face. I wish I had held my tongue when i first started looking at my h emails after becoming suspicious!

I know it will seem a horrible and cynical thing to say but unfortunately you can not always trust the person you love to be 100% honest with you. I wish I had realised this a lot sooner.

Good Luck.


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## BeaverBeauty (May 13, 2013)

"... if anything cheating would make him more horny. in my experience..."

:iagree:

Nothing a nice BJ won't solve ...


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Could be an underlying illness.
Could be anxiety.
Could be hormonal imbalance.
Could be stress.
Could be almost anthing, really.

Once it's happened once or twice, the fear of it happening again can actually be the cause of it happening next time. It beomes self perpetuating.
In that case, it can often fix itself, so long as you don't make a big thing of it (pun intended) and he stops feeling anxious.
If it persists, it may indicate a health issue, which should be investigated.


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