# Husband out drinking with friends most of the time and lies



## ajg

Hi

I'm married 10 years, my husband is often out late ie. till 2, 3 and even till 4 am in the mornings, drinking and at different pubs. In the last few months he has not come home at all 3x and only come back close to lunch time the next day, leaving the night before at about 9.00 pm. When I phone he sometimes doesn't answer his phone or gets a friend to answer and that person gives me some stupid story that he is in the loo. Or he tells me he is leaving now and he can hear I'm tearful on the phone because it's one o'clock in the morning and I'm just wishing he will come home. After an hour he still isn't home. When I phone again he says he's leaving and takes another hour before he comes home. There are times when he tells me he has just finished a job and just stopped off for one drink and I know he is lying, I know he finished hours ago. I've heard him swear me to his friends when he thought he had switched his phone off. This has been going on for about 4 years now, I've begged him to think about his marriage and asked him to stop carrying on like this, he says sorry and then next week does the same thing. I don't trust him because of his lying and of course because of staying out late and sometimes not coming home. He promises me there is no one but I don't know. There aren't any woman phoning or strange numbers ors sms's. I told him to stop or I'm leaving ,he hasn't begged me to stay or offered to get some help, his response is that he doesn't fit the mould that I have for him. But that's not the issue, I just want to be loved and respected and for him to treat me decently. Other married men who love their wives don't lie about their whereabouts, stay out till all hours or not come hom. I've told him if he is willing to have counseling with me and my daughter and go to AA we can save our marriage, he isn't commiting to this and says we will see. This weekend he is looking for a place because I'm moving out. I think I'm wanting to know am I being hasty, he may not want to be married once he lives on his own with so much freedom. I'v scared that I'm making it worse by moving out. All I want is for him to tell me he loves me so much that he is willing to doanything to make it work. All he says is he lost the plot along time ago and friends became more important and that he still loves me, but where is the action, why doesn't he do what he can to keep his marriage. He's not committing to stopping anything, only acknowledging. My 15 yr old daughter who is not his biological daughter hates him because she says he makes me cry and doesn't care how much he hurts me. Please help Sorry it's so long winded.


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## trey69

I think its good you're moving out. Its time to take care of you and your daughter and do whats best for you both. I understand its hard, and you wish things were not like this, but they are. You can't fix him, he will likely need to hit rock bottom before he can be helped. That may or may not happen. No need for you to keep waiting around to see if that may or may not happen. My suggestion for you is, for you and your daughter to seek out some local Alanon groups in your area.


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## ajg

Thank you for the response what u saying makes sense I'm scared I will lose him forever, he tells me he does love me and when I asked him to go to counselling with us and AA he isn't giving a definite answer, he says he is agreeing to the separation because it's what I want. I don't know if I'm right in doing this but the lack of commitment to go for counselling worries me because it makes me think we just going to go down the same road again. Also my daughter is a very angry person and doesn't want to live with him, this is also making me feel as if I have to choose.


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## ajg

Oops I thought the previous thread hadn't taken, so this is really repetion.

Thank you for the response, what you say makes sense. I am scared that I will lose him totally and this will just make things worse. He says he loves me and is only agreeing to the separation because it is what I want. I've asked him if he is willing to go for counselling and to AA and he gives me a vague answer like we will see. Him and my daughter are constantly trying to spite each other, she is a very angry person because of all this and doesn't want anything to do with him, he in return tries to spite her by not doing things for her, I feel as if I am having to choose sides the whole time and keep the peace.


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## Dollystanford

What's in this relationship for you? My daughter (also not biological daughter of ex) blossomed when he left. I wish it had ended sooner. You've already made the most difficult decision but you need to stick with it.

He 's acting like a single 20 something - fine if that's what he wants. You deserve better than that and so does she


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## Prodigal

ajg said:


> I've asked him if he is willing to go for counselling and to AA and he gives me a vague answer like we will see.


What he is saying to you, in alcoholic parlance, is he doesn't want to stop drinking. He loves you, but he loves the booze more.

At this point, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your daughter. That is on your side of the street.

I'm married to an alcoholic. I dragged him in and out of rehabs, intensive outpatient rehabs, AA groups, church, counseling, you name it ... he still drinks.

I found Al-Anon and learned to detach, respect his right to drink himself to death, and to own what I could control; namely, my own life.

I would suggest you visit a website that is specifically for addicts and families of addicts/alcoholics: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com. You will find a sub-forum there called "Friends and Family of Alcoholics."

It is not nearly as largely populated as TAM. However, I assure you that you WILL find people there who have some strong recovery and will understand what you are going through.

I walked away from my marriage in 2009. My husband still drinks. I am at peace with myself.


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## ajg

Thanks everyone, your advice has been helpful. My daughter and I are going for counselling,I'm also moving out which is a very difficult decision to make, my husband said he would go for counselling but only answer questions and won't go to AA. I did ask my daughter if she would consider us staying together if we all went for counselling, she became extremely upset and almost suicidle, she refuses to live with him.


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## mablenc

ajg said:


> Thanks everyone, your advice has been helpful. My daughter and I are going for counselling,I'm also moving out which is a very difficult decision to make, my husband said he would go for counselling but only answer questions and won't go to AA. I did ask my daughter if she would consider us staying together if we all went for counselling, she became extremely upset and almost suicidle, she refuses to live with him.


That's great that you are going to counseling and a huge red flag she's getting that upset. I think finding the right type of care is critical for her right now.


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