# Hot frogs, rental cars and unfaithful spouses



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

You've heard the story about frogs and boiling water. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump right out. If you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it to boiling, the frog will stay and never jump out. (I never understood why one would want to boil a frog in the first place.)

We bought our van new. That was another one of the things where I went against my gut to try to make her happy. We should have bought a used, but she wanted a new one. Anyway, it has slowly deteriorated over the years and the 144,000 miles it had on it when she left. It needed some engine work, new tires on the back, etc. These things happened slowly and I just became accustomed to them, driving it 2 - 3 hours each day. Sure, it wasn't luxury, but it was bearable.

This week, I've had a rental car. It is smoother at 90 than the van is at 40. It will get up and go when you push the gas pedal. It has an awesome stereo system. Now that I've had this for a week, I realize what a total POS my van is.

The same thing is happening with my wife. Things deteriorated slowly over the course of many years. Things weren't great, but they were bearable. I'd run out of clean socks often. Well, I was in the Marines. In the field, you don't carry a new clean pair of socks for each day you are going to be out. You air them out at night. That's what I often did at home. Almost every night when I came home, she was on the computer (even before the affair). The kitchen was full of dirty dishes. The kids were complaining about being hungry. I would wash some dishes so we had clean ones to eat on and fix something to eat. I would take her food to her at the computer. We've had maybe 3 sit-down family dinners around the kitchen table in the past few years. None of this happened overnight. It was a gradual thing. I became accustomed a little at a time, like turning up the heat in the cool water.

This week, her sister has been coming over to take care of the kids while I'm at work. When I left for work each morning, my wife was still in bed. When I've left for work this week, my SIL has been cleaning the house. When I have come home each night this week, I've gone to pick up the kids at my FIL's house. She takes them over there after they wake up. I've had a home-cooked supper, the kids have been fed, and I come home to a clean house. Like the comparison between the van and the rental car, I am starting to see just how ****ty my life had become. My daughter even ran to my sock drawer last night when I got home. "Daddy, look! You have a lot of clean socks. Now you don't have to keep wearing the same pair." I asked her why she said that because I never complained about it, especially to the children. She said her mom had said once, "I guess I better wash some clothes. I bet your dad is getting tired of wearing the same socks every day." She remembered that and was excited to show me my full sock drawer from where they had done laundry yesterday.

It will get better. It is better already. It hurts like hell sometimes, but it is getting better.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I've loosely followed your situation and it sucks. Funny question, is your SIL married? If not, maybe you should get that going. LOL j/k

Looks like you've woken up. Glad to hear it. I agree with the others. Cut financing to your wife ASAP. See how she manages when she has to pay her own bills instead of having a husband do it. Listening to your story just pisses me off.

It just floors me how often women do this. Their H works, provides for 80-100% of everything they have, but they get lonely, and sh*t on their Hs because they aren't getting attention. 

What I really learn from these stories, and my own, is that it is so imminently important how you bring up a child. You have to be there for them, show them love, especially from fathers to daughters. That one is the most important, IMHO. So many of these issues stem from that, and it shapes the women in their adult lives. The carnage left from bad fathering to daughters spreads to everyone they meet later in life.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow! You're really not making this stuff up are you? The frog and the boiling water analogy is spot on in your situation. When you do finally move on, you're going to wonder how you ever put up with a woman that neglected the marriage, you, and the children.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> You've heard the story about frogs and boiling water...


Great analogy.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

women like that make it so much harder for other women who aren't like that.

i'm right there with you on not realizing the van sucked until driving the rental car...it's amazing what you settle into when married...amazing how we gladly put the blindfold our eyes.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Yet the blindfold moves so slowly over us we don't see it happening.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Funny question, is your SIL married? If not, maybe you should get that going. LOL j/k



LOL. Yes, she is married. But she has shown me how awesome it is to have someone who actually cares in the home. The atmosphere in the home is soooo much better this week than it has been in a looong time, even though the situation really sucks.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> LOL. Yes, she is married. But she has shown me how awesome it is to have someone who actually cares in the home. The atmosphere in the home is soooo much better this week than it has been in a looong time, even though the situation really sucks.


It's amazing how you can get used to being miserable isn't it? You don't even think about it and get to thinking that is the way things are supposed to be.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> It's amazing how you can get used to being miserable isn't it? You don't even think about it and get to thinking that is the way things are supposed to be.



Yes, it is. It happens so slowly, you just don't notice. At least I didn't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ugh. How much longer is your W going to be in your house?
Does she have some kind of mental condition that is disabling?


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

It sounds to me like your wife is seriously depressed, perhaps clinically and should get some counselling, therapy, and perhaps even meds.

I know of couples where the wife is incapable of looking after the family (leaving children hungry, etc...) because of mental illness.
Now, while that may explain a lot, it does not remove her own responsibility to accept and seek help.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Ugh. How much longer is your W going to be in your house?
> Does she have some kind of mental condition that is disabling?


She already took off to Colorado to be with the OM. She was a SAHM home schooling the kids, but spent all her days online with OM. That's why she neglected the house and the kids.


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