# online dating/relationships: Your recommendations?



## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

So,

for those of you who have met your other half online - where did you meet them and how did it work out?

for me, its been one disaster and failure after another. I havent been touched in 3 years either. Too many games and so on - so I have had nothing but negitive experience (let downs, loss of money and so on) although wish it werent. I've even gone so down and low, questioning humanity. but im trying to get out of 

since I am heading to the US in a couple of weeks, I thought maybe I can see what can happen whilst I am there. Maybe to try and find someone now and communicate with them, see how it goes and eventually meet up whilst I am there. Hey - at least I'm trying 

what websites do you recommend which have been successful for you?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Pof.com? Free....but be prepared....it gets creepy fast. 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

:scratchhead: Huh? I'm confused? A couple weeks ago you posted about your partner that you loved? 

"so my partner has been so far great to me, but i have been even greater to her with her situation and what I have to put up with. but thats ok. I do love her, really do."


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

yes beachguy. things changed and no point wasting time. ive always had my time wasted or been made a fool of in some way. it takes time to find, connect, build something. its not an overnight job. so lets stick to the question please 

wiigirl: yes. its creepy and for me, did not work at all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Online dating is a crap shoot. Most of the sites are huge, so it takes time to sift through the possibilities. I tried it, and got a number of unwelcome surprises. Guys who looked nothing like their photos. One guy who claimed to be early 40's, and was closer to 60, some real creeps who pestered me via email. Whew! 

That doesn't mean you won't find someone, but after three years it sounds like you haven't found anyone that is suitable yet. 

Do you have friends who can introduce you to other people? Hobbies or clubs you could join? Maybe it's just time to try another route. 

I met some real jerks via online dating. Some were downright weird, and one started stalking me via email. Apparently, online dating must work for some folks, because they hook up that way. I just found it to be a lot less than the ads promised.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Things are going okay for my relationship where we connected on-line. It hasn't been conflict free by any means. He made the 'mistake' of saying that I was the kind of person he needed in his life, and this was true. But also it works the other way, he is also the kind of person I needed in my life. But the relationship is really a growth process, and besides the affection and attraction, that's what keeps us together, a certain amount of tension that seems to be necessary in order for us to maintain our centers of balance. 
The thing is, I knew what I was looking for in a relationship. I dated around but even after seeing this person's profile quite a while ago, I can't remember just when, but it was way before we actually met and even before I was involved with my friend who had the brain hemorrhage...I felt that eventually we would meet, and so didn't push it. Ironically, it was him who initiated and not me. Online dating is a good tool to get out and date different people and to observe how you relate to others and what sort of qualities really pique your interest, but if things are too perfect and then explode in your face, you might be 'guilty' of shopping mentality, where you expect the package to be exactly as advertised instead of realizing that the profile is just something that was written at a specific point in time, and that once people are in a relationship, no matter how new, they are going to change, because that is the nature of a relationship...after you click, you have to keep going, what really matters is how change/growth/life occurs/evolves in a relationship. You might end up with someone who is not really interested in doing the work involved in a relationship, who doesn't enjoy the process and just wants a finished project to install in their life. Those kind of relationships are bound to explode and end badly, because humans aren't designed to hang on the wall as a finished project. They move around, change shape, come and go, have needs, have vocations that are important to them...loving is a difficult thing to do. It's not an on-off switch, it's like a dually controlled light with two dimmer switches. It takes a while to get synchopated, and honestly, when things get out of synch, you have to have a commitment to keep drumming, and not be cowed down by periods of confusion when things don't seem right. It's a process. 

It could be that you are letting go too easily, when conflict occurs instead of embracing it as part of a relationship and getting in rhythm and balance with each other, you are taking it as a sign of failure instead. Perhaps you are overly sensitive, or prone to over-reacting to someone keeping their feet on the ground, and taking it as rejection instead of their commitment to self which doesn't exclude a relationship...people make blunders in communication...so waiting for clarification or asking for clarification...etc. Accepting imperfection and frustration along with the 'click'.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks all. well to be honest i dont let things go easily. but sadly others do. its just how it is. too much drama and games and you end up being made a fool out of. so i know im not at fault at all. I am self aware and believe in improving yourself for the better especially via reflection and constructive criticism. if someone cant be there for me emotionally or even make the time then its already doomed no matter how much you stick at it. i did but benefited nothing.

but anyway... in my experience. they just play games and dont want to meet at all. or only to be spoiled for the one evening by dinner and then never to be heard from again because they make excuse or "found someone else".

its difficult. very. unnecessarily.
i just kind of feel im almost there but still far away. so im taking another, last, chance.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

JMO, but online dating to me was a waste of time; too many creeps.

My husband did it too, and he was always stuck wooing someone for the evening to never hear from her again. $$$$!!! Either that, or he would get stuck with a psycho...

We met the old fashioned way. Through friends.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

yeh thats what happens to me all the time. wooing someone and never to hear from them again.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah, I'm about ready to give up on the online thing, will leave my profile up, maybe send the occasional message if I see something worth commenting on. Tired of women either not replying, or else the 1 in 30 that do telling me we wouldn't have chemistry scratchhead: uh you don't even know me, too soon to tell - OHHHHH, you mean you are looking for a tall athletic outgoing guy, yet your profile has been on here over a year, have fun finding a keeper like that now you are 38 and have three kids). not too many real people on there, and the few who are are being inundated by creeps to the point other real people can't gt through.

Anyways, I'm a little excited for my date tonight, with a real lady who I met in person (and whom also happened to give up on online dating).


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

totally agreed and thats exactly how it is


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> thanks all. well to be honest i dont let things go easily. but sadly others do. its just how it is. too much drama and games and you end up being made a fool out of. so i know im not at fault at all. I am self aware and believe in improving yourself for the better especially via reflection and constructive criticism. if someone cant be there for me emotionally or even make the time then its already doomed no matter how much you stick at it. i did but benefited nothing.
> 
> but anyway... in my experience. they just play games and dont want to meet at all. or only to be spoiled for the one evening by dinner and then never to be heard from again because they make excuse or "found someone else".
> 
> ...


That's all good information, especially that you are a stick-to-it kind of person. It could be you need to change up your profile to be a bit more challenging, so that only people who feel up to it will approach you or accept your advances. There is such a thing as being too broadly appealing. Narrow down your critera rigidly. Lon beats me up for this but I immediately screened out anyone who golfed or drove snowmobiles, or had photos of themselves at resorts or in fancy places. I absolutely refused to date someone who had to spend too much time in a suit or any other environment in which he didn't look comfortable, and who had a different sense of time than me (I work from home, my time is constantly in flux, both on a day to day basis as well as longer term). Someone who spent money on unnecessary stuff was also a loser in my filtering process. As well as people who wanted to text a lot but never connect in person. I have kids, who have specific needs, my son is an artist, my daughter is a dancer/gymnast, we are all dancers in our family, especially me, and I'm a writer. So I needed to find someone who had a respect and understanding for the life and needs of artists, and who preferably also lived that sort of life. And, someone who was not going to look at my life and say, well, it doesn't fit with mine. That is, someone with an understanding that it's what we do in the present time that shapes the future, and that pre-deciding how things should or will work out logistically is a very very bad thing to do. That a relationship is based on the here and now and must evolve. On that note, I limited the distance I was willing to accept to no more than 20 miles. You can't connect with someone, in my book, if you live in different worlds. Finally, there needed to be growth potential, that is, I need to feel that I am present in the relationship as an active agent of it, not that I am filling a role that has been defined in someone else's life. If I'm in someone's life, I consider it an invitation to be there as myself, not filling some position according to a job description or bending my will and spirit to fit in. And the same leeway is provided to the other person.

The truth of the matter is, you really have to be more discriminating about selection, and to be unapologetic about it, and learn to tell the differernce from someone who is yanking your chain or playing a role, and someone who is genuine. It's a sort of instinct. A lot of people on these sites are posers, that is, they're not really satisfied with their lives and are looking for a rescue via a relationship. That's very different from saying, I'm ready for a relationship but I'm imperfect and this is where I'm at. It could be that you need to call people out earlier on their issues and watch for their reaction, and weed out defensive people. You should be doing an equal number of rejections as rejections that you receive. Really internet dating or dating at all is a process of weeding out improbablities while refining your sense of what it is you're looking for, which you already know, but may take a while to connect to.

If you view the whole experience as a process, including the art of passing through someone's life briefly for a date or two or three or whatever it takes to get a handle on them, it's much easier to accept the 'failures' as successes. 

Moving people out of their defined environment is also a good idea, and being able to see them in their own space, uncensored, is also a good idea. You can tell a lot about a person by how they arrange their life at home or wherever it is that they spend time. 

It's typical to have a lot of dates that don't work out. For this reason, I think it's good to have a few dates with different people planned out in your near future, as well as open-ended social activities that you absolutely know you will enjoy, with people you get along with. That acts as a sort of buffering for whatever happens with the dates, and doesn't leave you so emotionally exposed. 

Finally, there is a difference between going after what you want, vs. seeing something that _looks_ like what you want, and finding out if it is or not. Pre-deciding or only looking at positive, qualifying information may cloud judgement about what's really not acceptable for you. Be honest with yourself about what you can and can't tolerate. If you are accepting something that you can't tolerate, or think you might be able to change later on, your date might pick up on that and back off before it becomes an issue. 

Honestly, you sound like a person who is ready for a relationship and really wants to connect with someone. The best you can do is to offer friendship sincerely and to see what happens after that. The one who is ready and interested will stick around, and the others will drift off and that's actually a good thing. Don't overextend yourself or give in to any kind of manipulation, of course I don't think you will, and honestly, I think it's worked to your advantage as it's possible you've just not met someone who is willing to date on a level playing ground.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thank you. i appreciate your valuable response and time given to reply. 

believe me, ive done everything you could ever imagine. sadly, just too many players out there. and im sick of it. i slipped into severe depression a while ago (couple of years) because of it. took time out, tried again but was still pretty bad people (the depression was cured after taking time out).

I know when people are yanking my chain but sadly, there is too many of them. its just difficult. I dont get why people must do these things you know?

I know what I want. and I dont ask for much either. im not a judgemental person or have stupid strict criterias which are unrealistic. its simple - i want to love, and want some back too.

want to be there through the bad times and the good times. I expect the same in return. I want commitment and IF it goes to marriage then great but if not - then no problem. One step at a time.

but in my unfortunate experience, its never been easy. too many excuses from people or they are on the rebound or they are living with their ex or.... whatever else. its disappointing.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Met 2nd hubs on Match.com......what I learned:

- No long & drawn out email & phone conversations. 2 of each is enough. I developed an EA (attachment - both single) with a man after 2 months w/o meeting him; met him & ugggg....waste of 2 months.

- Get full name & occupation before meeting, then Google it. I was able to uncover lies about age, etc.

- Be specific as to why you are there. After my divorce, I only wanted to go out with men for "friendship only, not looking for intimate relationships at this time." My profile did not initially say that so I got lots of emails from men looking for sex only. When I changed it, I got FEWER emails but Hubs was looking for "friends first" & contacted me.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

lucky you emerald 

tried match. complete flop for me. and yeh i always email a few times or when its convenient but want to cam and meet up. but most dont follow that protocol and cause drama and say "its going too fast!" when all you want to do is meet.

thinking of the recent past when I was almost kind of in a relationship, such a fool I was thinking someone would actually want me. damn.... 

ah well.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HNU, I think online dating is vastly different experience for women as men, and also has a lot to do with the size of the local population.

If a woman here was to filter out all those guys who golf, that is about 75% of them, filter out snowmobiling, thats another 40% of guys around here - so those basic filters have eliminated if down to probably less than half of men, and of those who don't golf or snowmobile probably 80% of which don't because they are deadbeats and never get out of the house. So you have narrowed it down to 10% already, and many of those are only looking for casual sex, so do you really need to be applying more filters at that point? Isn't the pool too small by now? (I am pretty certain where I live it would be)

For a man to start filtering out all his unpreferences would bring in such a small number of hits, and most of those women remaining in the pool never even reply (I know because this is what I did, of the thousands on here I originally focussed on the dozen or so that I really thought would make a good fit based on their profile, when none replied I broadened my search and also tried improving my profile, out of hundreds only a couple replied and I somehow lost their interest right away).

I suppose this is why for men, it's purely a numbers game, they could care less what you write in your profile because it does nothing to increase your chance of being interested, it is also why free sites are known for being really effective for those looking for casual sex. For me, I don't want that, and nor am I looking for a serious committment so there really is no way to connect online because it means competing along with a sea of disingenuous males that know how to hold your interest, tell you what you like but honestly don't really care about your interests, a few of these guys actually live what they say, but they are in high demand and rare, they know their worth and really don't need to branch out online except to increase their chances and play numbers.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Met hubs on Match.com......what I learned:
> 
> - No long & drawn out email & phone conversations. 2 of each is enough. *I developed an EA with a man after 2 months w/o meeting him; met him & ugggg....waste of 2 months.*
> 
> ...


Hey Emerald...I am kind of interested in what happened there as I see myself possibly heading in that direction. Not two months before meeting, but about a month. Nothing other than logistics has kept it so long. How did you communicate? Email, text, phone, skype?


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## LAgirl310 (Aug 7, 2012)

You should try sites that have some sort of verification or credibility factor. I have a few friends that found success on comiingle or meetme.



lostandfound2012 said:


> So,
> 
> for those of you who have met your other half online - where did you meet them and how did it work out?
> 
> ...


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Have you tried e-harmony.com?


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks.

yes ive tried e-harmony. no luck. i bought a 1 year subscription last year (due to expire next month) - and nothing. nothing at all. 
infact recently I found that my alleged "partner" didnt visit or go to any websites but found her on that which caused our breakup amoungst other underlaying factors. 

but anyway regardless - no luck. people dont respond or after 1 email they fade away.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

samyeager - 

Firstly, I came off of a 22 yr. marriage & was VERY naive to dating in the cyber world. We talked via Match, email, messenger (no skype) then telephone. Yes, also logistics delayed the meeting.

But now the wiser, there were red flags - he shaved 5 yrs. off his age & what city he lived in all designed to make him seem more attractive (college professor for a public college - easy to verify stats on the net).

But....he groomed me & was quite charming & I loved our communication...pent up anticpation for the 1st "meeting" which was a disaster.

Then I set up by 2-2 limit. If they couldn't get it together for a quick cup of coffee or drink, then not worth my time. 

Not that I'm some princess or a big prize but even the POTUS can make time for a cuppa.

Good luck!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Was that first meeting a disaster from both sides, and was it that things just didn't live up to expectations? More signs of deceipt?

...and princess, probably, not really many of those, but big prize? Possibly...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> HNU, I think online dating is vastly different experience for women as men, and also has a lot to do with the size of the local population.
> 
> If a woman here was to filter out all those guys who golf, that is about 75% of them, filter out snowmobiling, thats another 40% of guys around here - so those basic filters have eliminated if down to probably less than half of men, and of those who don't golf or snowmobile probably 80% of which don't because they are deadbeats and never get out of the house. So you have narrowed it down to 10% already, and many of those are only looking for casual sex, so do you really need to be applying more filters at that point? Isn't the pool too small by now? (I am pretty certain where I live it would be)
> 
> ...


Lon, I hear you. As a woman online I get a lot of interest but I understand all too well most guys don't even bother to read the profile or to think about it, they just see a photo and bam, wink wink and email. I told one guy we weren't compatible but he insisted, then I decided well, I could be open-minded about a couple of his past-times and all, because I really ended up liking him, then hahah he said well we aren't compatible. Dude, no sh*t! lol. I made him go to an amusement park with me as a last date, no pressure, I reciprocated and it was fun, just what I wanted out of a summer date, cute guy, nice thunderstorm, a bit of making out, an upside down double twist roller coaster, and no worries about whether he was going to call or not, lol. 

Then there is the guy who read the profile, had not seen my photo, and said I was the kind of person he wanted/needed in his life. Yah, be careful what you ask for buddy. I have been accommodating but not afraid to call him out on behavior that will lead to issues on down the line. There is a good balance between us, it's obvious he appreciates someone who is willing to stand up for herself and to not get sucked into being his shadow. It helps that he's an artisan and I don't really care one way or another about his product, but appreciate and respect the process. Much the same way I don't really care if he reads what I write, but he has respect for the process. 

I do think values are really important both for women and men and everyone in between. It's not just a preference for me regarding golf and things like resorts and snowmobiles, I'm Quaker, so I know for sure that I wouldn't feel comfortable being with someone who was devoted to that sort of thing. Around here there are a lot of aging hippies, people who have their own organic farms, people who XC ski, people who are 'green' in terms of politics and lifestyle, who are more likely to have rescue animals than purebreds, who are more likely to want to want to take a picnic to the town's weekly concert than to dine out on fine food, who will ask you over to dinner and you can go because the guy has a good reputation and there's not 6 degrees of separation but more like 2 or 3. 

If values can't be accommodated on one website or even online, then most definitely someone should go where they will meet such people, even if it means going to say a convention or joining an organization that has meetings. It's common even for Quakers to just up and visit another meeting, not to meet singles, but to commune and network and link, and to carry news and to be neighborly, in general. 

Another option is to expand one's search and to be explicit in your profile that you cannot re-locate, but you are open-minded about dating someone that might consider it. I absolutely won't relocate because 1) I really like my town and life here is very very good and 2) I promised my kids they could stay here through high school, and they even are thinking they might like to stay through college, which is not an issue, since the college offers majors in their areas of interest (they're young, but developed in their vocations, and also we are a close family and have already had one member go off on his own, we are waiting for him to circle back to within a couple hours of where we live now). 

Honestly, I see myself in a relationship maintaining separate households until my kids are grown. We really like it this way and my kids do spend time with my guy friend and we all get along and have our own relationships with each other. We've been to plays all together and gone to the beach in the evening for bbq and kayak/canoeing and it's pretty casual. Nobody is buggered out and the status quo is fine, no need to change it since it works. 

I think being open minded is very important, and I did/have dated outside my value system. But it didn't work out for the guy involved! When I stuck to what I wanted but also remained open-minded about the relocation issue, I found that the relocation issue, unlike other issues, really didn't matter that much. That surprised me. 

In the end, it only takes one, and my way of thinking is that why get tied up and involved with someone who isn't appropriate, if you're going to keep looking for someone who is? Casual dating outside the box is then suitable but no commitment, which means dating different people and keeping it to social dating, leaving one free to become involved when someone more appropriate becomes available. If not, you are still getting out and having social time, and if you reciprocate dates (as should be done) and are honest about your intentions and actions, dating can be fun, rather than frustrating.

Even in a sort of relationship, I still go to my dance classes and dance parties, and get together with my guy friend when he's amenable to that and available which isn't always. I lay off of him when I feel like he's kicking himself for not dating me when he could have, but it creeped him out that I used to date his friend who had the brain hemorrhage. In my case, using online dating rather than going to the circle of friends I already had made a lot more sense, I absolutely needed to date someone I didn't know, and a guy who hadn't had his shoulder cried on during the spring, lol, and would just feel like second best. The truth is, I had my eye on the guy I'm seeing now, before I got involved with my guy friend who had the brain hemorrhage. Then it took me 4 months to even think about wanting to get together with him, and fortunately he asked. And I did explain the whole timeline, so he doesn't feel like second choice. relationships are going to be complicated no matter how they start. 

Online is just a way of being introduced. If the people you want to meet aren't available online, I wouldn't change your standards just to improve the numbers, but I also wouldn't give up on it altogether, because it's a way of putting yourself out there.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

One recommendation, don't lie about your age or any other piece of information. Be confident in who you are and what you want and hold to those standards.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> One recommendation, don't lie about your age or any other piece of information. Be confident in who you are and what you want and hold to those standards.


Exactly. There is absolutely no shame in wanting a relationship, and one that's suitable for yourself. If you don't advocate for it, nobody is going to deliver it on a silver platter. You will find yourself directionless, wondering why you are alone or unhappily partnered. Look at it this way, you don't learn a language by wanting to, and you don't run a 5K race by desire. It's training, and practice, and doing the things that lead to success. Dating is no different, other than when it comes to decision making, that is the time to let intuition and feelings rather than logic be your guide.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I tried match.com and went on a few dates, but it is $30 a month. Then I found out about plentyoffish.com which is completely free and there are more people on it. I met my hubby there. Best thing you can do is go out with someone if there is no chemistry or there are red flags dump them asap because there is always someone to take their place. I had to dump a few, but I am glad I was picky. Don't settle. Be careful though. I had a friend who used an online dating site and she got raped.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thank you

the unfortunate thing for me is that even if I deliver on a GOLD platter, they dismiss it and dont want it. quick to make up their mind (without even meeting). The list goes on. I am always honest and upfront but no one wants to know. too judgemental.

I ALWAYS set out my ambitions and goals. its as simple as that (its also what women say they want) - but always get messed around or no one is interested.

im just at a loss again and really questioning this whole relationship concept. I dont think it exists or if it does, I am not "certified" :-/


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A friend of mine used eharmony. I think that's what it's called. She found really decent men that matched up with her well. 

I don't think all online dating sites are bad, but I've never used them myself. I've met some really good friends online and my best friend and I met on a parenting message board. We've had a couple meet ups and I'm planning on seeing her again soon for a long weekend. If she can get off of work for a vacation day or two.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> thank you
> 
> the unfortunate thing for me is that even if I deliver on a GOLD platter, they dismiss it and dont want it. quick to make up their mind (without even meeting). The list goes on. I am always honest and upfront but no one wants to know. too judgemental.
> 
> ...


Aha, I think ladies are suspicious of gold platter. There is honest and open, and there is solicitous. Ladies want to feel a little bit like they need to earn your interest...if you are too interested right from the start (or *act* too interested, and this could be it, *appearing* to be overly eager, even if inside you are being rational...) ladies might think it's not them per se that you are interested in, but just a lady in general, and anyone who fits the criteria will suffice...

A lady wants to think it's HER that is driving your interest, and if there is too much too soon without an appropriate framework, then she's going to, well, be offended.

Perhaps when you go out, you can invite to somewhere she says she's interested, like a museum or a film festival or a sporting activity (active or spectator), and then talk to her about it asking questions and so forth...then you take a turn and go somewhere you like (putting the focus on sharing yourself and your interests...) then go somewhere in between, where neither of you might ever go...like an adventure for both of you...

Say things like, I had such a nice time, it was good to get to know your views on .... and that's so cool that you like .... type of food ... and I like that top you have on, I've never seen that style before, where did you get it, it's very attractive on you...

Don't share loads of information on the first few dates. Awkward silences, as my guy asserts, are okay. 

One thing I really like is being out in nature, and just observing stuff and commenting on that, or other things that are around.

But I think I see the issue now is that ladies want you to be interested in them, specifically, and they keep track of how much info they've shared, and if you haven't hit on their special asset or personality trait or interest or their vocation (calling) in life as they see it, and you're interested in them, this can be offensive and they feel as though they're trivialized. My guy got his foot in the door by asking me right off the bat about my Quaker values, and understanding them, and being interested in them and how they applied to me, in particular. He also said right from the start that I was the sort of person he needed in his life, which I agree with but it works vice versa. He comes with some particular challenges but they are almost the same challenges that I came with in my past relationships, so it's ironic and I deal with them as best I can and it's a growing process which is something I require in a relationship.

Anyway, do you think this could be an issue in your dating? I'm trying to help, there is no way I could know for sure this is what you're doing, it's a line of inquiry to try to figure out from a woman's perspective what is going amiss for you, because it doesn't seem to me like there's anything in particular about you that should send the ladies running.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks

oh believe me, I know what you mean. but either way, if I make an effort or not, or somewhere in between - nothing. there are just other "hot" guys...and they lose interest quickly. or im just too ugly, not attractive...not of the right height, age, color - you name it. so its really unrealistic and unfair on me.

im a simple person. morals, ethics, academic, successful, polite and respectful.... but only to always be trampled on.

no one wants to meet because again, i dont fit their criteria. then you hear "oh, where are all the decent men?" *waves* - they dont wanna know


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> thanks
> 
> oh believe me, I know what you mean. but either way, if I make an effort or not, or somewhere in between - nothing. there are just other "hot" guys...and they lose interest quickly. or im just too ugly, not attractive...not of the right height, age, color - you name it. so its really unrealistic and unfair on me.
> 
> ...


L/F, I know the feeling man, as for me I am quite clearly better than average, or so I like to think, I am successful, kind, reliable, loyal honest and a perfect gentleman (though that may be simply hiding my cowardice behind my niceguyness). Either way, on something even as limited as a online dating profile I just can't seem to ooze any sex appeal.

I think the trick is to give them just ONE obvious thing to take in interest in you for (my problem is I just haven't figured out what that is without lying about myself). Was it this thread that talked about your "edge"? Just gotta decide what to make your edge I think. Receeding hairline, my height, skinny man-boobs and glasses kinda takes the edge of my physical appeal I guess, gotta find a way to demonstrate my intellect, but that is hard in a sea of floozies.


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## Clever (Aug 9, 2012)

lostandfound2012, I'm going to be blunt. 

I think the problem may be you.

I don't know you personally, but the messages you're posting are depressing as hell. And nobody wants to go out with somebody who is depressed and finds fault in everything.

When a man is together, his world is together.

Best wishes!


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

Clever - these forums are for grievences and advice and thats exactly why im posting. if im depressed, as any other human is, then its because they are down for a reason. you cannot be happy 100% of the time. people fake this but are actually hiding their "depression". 

im not coming across as depressed to people. I keep saying.... that no one is interested because they move on to someone else, they dont wanna meet - the list goes on. 

its easier to point fingers at me but you dont really know how it is. if you get screwed over as much as I do, then of course you will be depressed. who wouldnt? you would not be human if you werent. Furthermore you can try as much as shrugging it off.... and putting on a face but that wouldnt be fair either. you can be optimistic, which I am, but there comes a time when enough is enough and you question alot of things and not be an "air head" and act like nothing happened or that it doesnt matter

ive got ALOT of experience than you can imagine. alot of observations too. I just know how it is but it doesnt make sense why people do what they do.

ive had women say to me im nice etc.... and "wish you luck" - thats it. ive had women who wanted me but bailed at the lost moment for one reason or another. so please, dont say the problem is me. far from the truth. im very self aware. im not going to wait until im 60 (if i live that long) just to get some remote chance.

it takes time to build, to find, to connect and establish a relationship and future. its not an overnight job.

in the end, saying something and then leaving it is not helpful. i would LOVE to say "hey guys, found my gal. thanks so much all. you really have helped" - but sadly, thats not the case. there are more divorce rates than marriages these days. soon marriage will sadly be a thing of the past the way the world is heading and alot of topics on here share that same sentiment, and its quite sad.

so please, if you are saying I am depressing then what about the others?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

L/F, someone suggested once that maybe if you are not getting interest perhaps you have your standards too high and are only going after the "hottest" ones - while its true that the hotter women have their pick of any guy they want on there, I personally refuse to lower my standards and settle for aiming for women I'm not really attracted to - it's not entirely physical looks that count for me, but I'm not on there to find ugly. But I suppose the whole sex rank really does count for a lot, because if you are going for 9's and tens you need to be atleast an 8 (and for guys its not all physical appearance though that still counts, I know that I will never be a 9, or maybe even 8 because I simply don't have the genetic advantage, however there may be someone out there who finds me as appealing as an 8 or 9 for them personally).

More importantly, is to not give a fck if they are not interested, don't use any success or failure on some stupid dating site to validate your worth, those people don't know about you, and don't seem to want to know so truly it is their loss. If you don't like online dating, then simply don't do it, do something you like instead and chances are there will be women around at some point. (and yes I'm trying to heed my own advice on this!)


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

thanks Lon. its funny. I DONT have any high unrealistic standards like those women do on those sites. I'm simple, plain and straight forward. my standards are realistic and simple yet difficult to find:

loyal
commited
devotion
must NOT be attached to someone
long term relations intention

thats all. those are the 3 core foundations for me. everyone says they want this but it is apperent they dont (From experience)

im at a loss really. 

i dont even know if there exists a good decent, genuine website there (if there is, please mention them).

i always get feedback from women "love the profile. so refreshing and different. good luck".... and thats the end of it.

I REALLY hate having an answer to all questions but... what can I say? experience. been there, done that. tried it a different way and the rest of it, nothing.

but it is true and a common "theme" around here, it is so difficult to find someone given todays nature of relationships/dating/etc....
it sure was easier back in the 90's I bet.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I get the "cool profile" once in awhile too, out of the blue... but when I respond they just don't want to have a conversation, or any further contact... why are they even replying to a profile on a dating site at all unless they have some kind of interest? It is hard to not feel like you have their interest and then fck something up somehow to lose them and you have no clue what.  Like I say, I just really suck at dating, and online dating, I guess its the paradox of not having enough experience.

Then there was this one STUNNING lady, hardly anything in her profile - I made a silly joke about how its supposed to be faux pas to comment on her pic but couldn't help it then commented on everything in her profile pic _except_ for her... she replied "nice one, lol" and I haven't replied yet, left her in the lurch, part of it was just cause I can, the other part felt like I was just going to do whatever same fckup I always unwittingly do and I didn't want that. Let her stew on it, it's already been over a week since, she knows how to get a hold of me if she wants to know anything, I'm sure she's been flooded with a few thousand other messages since though - if I ever recognize her out in public I will make myself known... planting seeds I suppose.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

as you pretty much said - all about games here. so childish and pathetic.

sometimes I wonder if I should grovel back to the person whom I ended the "virtual" relationship with. but that isnt me. she was as close to good given her issues especially not being available in terms of time and emotionally. 

so, any other dating site suggestions?


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

12 years ago I met my wife through matchmaker.com. 

I'd recommend reading Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay to learn some about attracting attention. Your approach really sounds all wrong, by which I mean trying to match yourself up to what women say they want. You've seen it yourself, it doesn't work that way.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

maybe i need to rephrase that 

I mean, I am who I am which is what women say they want. why say something and lie about it completely? I shouldnt have to change myself to what they want right? I am who I am... nice, genuine, decent, wholesome who has morals and ethics as well as a strong background in terms of upbringing and education. just very well rounded.

I do what people tell me. it fails. I do what I want. it fails. clearly im not really the problem here (or at least the sole problem) 

these days, SO many problems and SO many "issues" unnecessarily.... far complicated.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

*******, i like it and it is free but i am not after dates at present and states it clearly on my profile.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yes, I'm a genuine nice guy too... that is not the thing about it women are attracted to. Being nice only counts when you are using it to create your world around you, its the supplement characteristics to nice that women like. So if you are nice + tall,dark,handsome = you get the girl, or if you are nice + badass = you get the girl or if you are nice + popular, outgoing, confident, stylish, funny, wealthy, or any other edge you can mention = you get the girl.

Like you, I'm nice + a little of everything which means we gotta wait until we find one that appreciates what we put into it to be like that - so despite their purported ability to multitask, that does not mean they have the ability to multi-sense, they can only seem to ever attend to one sense at a time, the way a man can only attend to one task - especially tier1 women who have always had their pick of the single best trait they want to look for at the moment, have a even if you are the best at two things in the world she will only notice the one she wants to. Any further good qualities are wasted, atleast for first impressions. Being nice just makes the desirable trait more believable, which is why if they even sense that the niceness is fake they will disbelieve anything you could show them. Atleast this is my theory especially as it applies to online dating.

Don't try to be nice, try to focus on the thing you like to do most, the thing you are most passionate about.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lon said:


> yes, I'm a genuine nice guy too... that is not the thing about it women are attracted to. Being nice only counts when you are using it to create your world around you, its the supplement characteristics to nice that women like. So if you are nice + tall,dark,handsome = you get the girl, or if you are nice + badass = you get the girl or if you are nice + popular, outgoing, confident, stylish, funny, wealthy, or any other edge you can mention = you get the girl.
> 
> Like you, I'm nice + a little of everything which means we gotta wait until we find one that appreciates what we put into it to be like that - so despite their purported ability to multitask, that does not mean they have the ability to multi-sense, they can only seem to ever attend to one sense at a time, the way a man can only attend to one task - especially tier1 women who have always had their pick of the single best trait they want to look for at the moment, have a even if you are the best at two things in the world she will only notice the one she wants to. Any further good qualities are wasted, atleast for first impressions. Being nice just makes the desirable trait more believable, which is why if they even sense that the niceness is fake they will disbelieve anything you could show them. Atleast this is my theory especially as it applies to online dating.
> 
> Don't try to be nice, try to focus on the thing you like to do most, the thing you are most passionate about.


Too bad it's just quick snippets about who you guys are on the dating sites. Following posts here make you guys both very intriguing (married - so can't follow through), but seriously - your personalties really shine here. Their loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

L&F - I know you took offense to the poster that mentioned you sound depressed but that IS how you sound. I hope you don't come across that way in your profile and/or communications with women you chat with online. That's the WORST turnoff imaginable.

Women want someone nice, loyal, dependable and all that but please don't stress that in your profile. Those things should almost be a given. They are pretty boring to read and the same thing that all of the other guys are saying. Is your profile interesting? Funny? It must be funny. Don't be afraid to be off the wall or out there. You sound kind of desperate and trying too hard. Have a more laid back, confident attitude. Mention 1 or 2 things that you love to do or tell a funny story about something that happened to you.

My H's match.com profile was weird and funny but that's what attracted me. It was different than the rest of them.

Also, you seem VERY bitter that you don't have a bunch of women responding and jumping at the chance to go out with you but as you can see from some other online dating threads, that is pretty much what women have to do. There are so many guys on there that if there isn't an instant, strong connection, it's not worth hanging around for long. Because there will be 15 other winks or emails from the same type of guy tomorrow. That's harsh, I know, but that's online dating. It's a numbers game and also a bit of luck. You either have to keep playing the game or give up and try something else. Complaining about it isn't going to change anything. There are no magical websites out there which guarantee the women will respond to you, go out with you, hang on your every word and agree to marry you. It isn't going to happen. 

What advice exactly are you looking for?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Too bad it's just quick snippets about who you guys are on the dating sites. Following posts here make you guys both very intriguing (married - so can't follow through), but seriously - your personalties really shine here. Their loss.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you got me blushing, thanks Ggirl, I felt a little surge of confidence (no not that kind).


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

i think i got the advice. no point - no hope or anything and no one listens but judges and comes to their own conclusions, even though they are wrong 

nevermind. society has given up on me or rather, they have made it like this and cant accept responsibility.

I do this, I do that, I do the other, I spend spend spend, I run the extra 5 miles like a dog - nothing. 

why bother?

thanks all. I appreciate it. really.... its done. But dont go complaining that you cant find a "nice guy"... because they turn them the other way with these shananigans.

the whole concept of boyfriend/girlfriend and marriages do not exist from my experience and observations over the years. its just like... brainwashing me. it doesnt exist, its a setup... a fake. I really am questioning it all now.

anyway, its all work work work....  so... yeh, thats what im supposed to do. ok... cool. im just an idiot 

im outta here. i tried. failed again through NO FAULT of my own but only to be dictated.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Nobody wants to date a man who sees himself as a victim. Not alpha at all. Women want the strong, confident man who doesn't really need a woman but might be willing to date her if she is interesting enough. Quit trying to be so nice and quit feeling sorry for yourself!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Met STBXW on *Matchmaker.com *I think that it was absorbed by some other dating service later on though.

*Chemistry.com *sent me a free trial and it was absolutely terrible. I specified that I really didn't want to meet or date right now due to be being separated, but still got "hit" on by some of the women there.

As soon as the divorce is final, I'll be back in the game. Has anyone tried or heard anything about *ChristianMingle.com *? Or any of the others for people(55+) like *OurTime.com*?


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

really its fine all. again, proven that no one really understands or is intune with themselves or understands the issues but instead makes excuses, criticises and the rest of it.

lets just drop this thread. i was silly to make it, and a fool to think that relationships exist especially that a "journey to find" someone would be "positive" . 

there are a good few people here sure, Lon being one of many but most.... well, lets leave it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> im outta here. i tried. failed again through NO FAULT of my own but only to be dictated.


huh? what are you talking about? Dictated? I thought we were having a discussion about online dating, why it works or doesn't work, ideas to improve your profile etc. What are you so frustrated about man? (I know it is frustrating to be so "rejected" even by our loyal companion "the internet" lol and I mean that, its one place where i have a lot of confidence in my persona)

Like justonelife says, nobody like those who play the victim role (well they may take pity on them, but they don't want to be part of the victim's world). And it seems that is what you did in this last post.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I went back and looked at a few other threads by lostandfound. Basically what I saw was:

May 2012 - An entire thread devoted to "woe is me, nobody loves me, I'll never find a woman, I might as well die"

July 2012 - I'm proposing to my girlfriend, who I lied to about my age

August 2012 - We're back to "woe is me" and blaming apparently the entire world for dating being hard.

Just an observation.

L&F - Have you talked to a therapist or doctor about depression? I don't mean that in a rude way but seriously, you sound really depressed and I doubt you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until you get yourself feeling better and more confident. The fact that you were ready to propose so quickly to your last girlfriend, along with these threads, make you sound WAY too needy and desperate. I'm not trying to bash you. I'm trying to help you see yourself as others may see you so that you can improve it. You need some self-esteem. Again, quit feeling sorry for yourself!


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

To lostandfound.

Do you not realize when you get defensive? It's a common learned response that many of us learned as a means of protecting ourself, and it's easy to do without realizing it, but it's also working against you for the goals you are pursuing.

It would help you tremendously to learn about how attraction works. The book I recommended explained it well for me and I recommend it often because of the new understanding I gained from the book. It talks about love and attraction in a way that isn't boring and I found it interesting about how our various hormones relate to attraction (And things that can be done in some cases to trigger them).


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

well, first i want to share my experience with finding a friend online. I havn't been on dating websites as such but been on a friendship website once. i wanted to find female friends. I didn't put up a pic of myself for privacy reasons. I just found one girl who was interested in getting to know me. The others didn't respond to my messages. To be honest , i felt something wrong with me, so i fully understand why you are feeling down. I quit that website after two weeks or so. I just realized that it isn't something i want to do. I want to develop relationships in a workplace or uni.

Back to your problem, believe it or not , you are sending negative energy out there. You have to change your beliefs . You believe you won't find anyone and this is what you get. I might be wrong. I don't know you or your beliefs, but this is just a thought to ponder upon. 

And, yes, you guys sound such decent gentlemen. The one will come along sooner or later ! Good luck


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