# guilt is over flowing



## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

So me and my husband have a past like most people do I guess... he cheated years ago he made out with a friend twice so after this I guess I needed attention feeling like a pos. I started to talk to a guy at work started getting flirtatious and saying sexual things over the years I have told my husband sort of about this but not detailed and I don't know If I should would this do more damage or do I just leave it be?!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe that the answer to your quandary is quite simple. Do you want a marriage as you have had or do you want a marriage built on trust, truth and loyalty? Answer that question and then proceed as you deem appropriate.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Stop talking to the guy at work and let it be. Trust me. This is the best. You did not have sex with him and you did not fall in love with him. You crossed boundaries but no affair. 

LET IT GO!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Let me ask you, do you feel the need to "level the playing field" or "get even"?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I took your post to mean you flirted and simply spoke in a sexual manner - at one point in the past and no longer do so. I am correct? 

There s a difference in having one two many drinks, pulling out of a neighbors driveway and clipping their mailbox and running over their small child. Which case are we talking about.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

So you are still in an ongoing flirty relationship with a co worker???

That is not clear from what you have posted. What does "sort of" told your husband about this.

He did it and it stopped many years ago??

And you have been at it for years and still continue???

What is the truth here???


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's another way of putting it. Do you feel your old man deserves it?


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Why are you engaging in your behavior? You need to know that.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

just cut off the contact----actually go NC with your co-worker----I assume you are working cuz your family needs your contribution, so if you don't wanna get in the position of having to give up your job, to save your mge.----then as I said---go NC, and keep it that way------if your co-worker tries to talk to you----tell him ONE TIME, AND ONE TIME ONLY------you want no more contact with him, in any way shape or form----if he tries to persist---go to your boss, and tell him you are being harassed----beyond that see how things play out---but by all means start more interaction with your husband


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

That's how I lost my wife, destroyed our family, and my heart... started out as "just friends" with a co-worker.

When you start keeping secrets, then you are on that path... change course now. Its so not worth it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You should admit to your husband that you've started an EA. He needs to know that he's in a fight for his marriage. Right now he doesn't know that an OM is closing in on his wife. Keeping this from him, will allow you to keep contact with this guy. Or if stopped, restart. You need to be held accountable.

I'm sure you've held your husband's feet to the fire but here you are going down the path that he went down. The only problem is that it much worse for women. You're not going to be able to continue having sex with your husband and will actually loose your love, attraction, and respect for him and will be VERY difficult to rekindle when the affair inevitably ends. Most men, who cheat are not falling out of love with their wife or wishing to leave her. The majority of women who cheat do.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

I cut this guy our of my life and basically started the flirtation and not OK text cause I wanted to get even.. it was dumb childish and I regret it, don't ever play the even game it's terrible. I just don't know if I should do detail to him or just leave it at the bread discussion that we had about this texting friend I used to have.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeiscrazy said:


> I cut this guy our of my life and basically started the flirtation and not OK text cause I wanted to get even.. it was dumb childish and I regret it, don't ever play the even game it's terrible. I just don't know if I should do detail to him or just leave it at the bread discussion that we had about this texting friend I used to have.


Doesn't sound like it progressed very far. If your husband is satisfied with the basics, that should be ok.

Hope you two make it.

Do you still love your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

I do love him very much. I feel horrible that I did this even after he did what he did, but it's almost like when people are hurt this way they need validation and attention it was dumb I get that..


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ok, so you 'sort of' told him about it, but not in great detail.

also, you have cut this guy off and no longer have contact?

also, you feel ashamed and crappy (as you should).

so my advice is leave it at that and NEVER do anything like this again.
you've scolded yourself, so forgive yourself and move on; meaning build positively on your marriage and dedicate yourself to that.

btw what did your hb say about your dalliance, if anything? sounds like he's got work to do too.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

That is great to hear. It becomes an addiction and things quickly fall apart. But I'd recommend you both work on each other too. There are cracks in most relationships and all it takes is a little innocent flirting to become much much greater.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

So this man text me out of the blue and I didn't say much pretty obvious I was like what do you want?!! I just feel awful I should never have talked sexual with a other man... I I honestly think I talked inappropriately and fed into this whole thing to get attention because I wasn't getting it from my husband I feel so stupid and way stupid for carrying this on for years placing the blame on my husband when I was just as guilty basically I'm a piece of s*** and I feel like I'm a loser who doesn't deserve my husband now


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeiscrazy said:


> So this man text me out of the blue and I didn't say much pretty obvious I was like what do you want?!! I just feel awful I should never have talked sexual with a other man... I I honestly think I talked inappropriately and fed into this whole thing to get attention because I wasn't getting it from my husband I feel so stupid and way stupid for carrying this on for years placing the blame on my husband when I was just as guilty basically I'm a piece of s*** and I feel like I'm a loser who doesn't deserve my husband now


I have been where you are.

My wife cheated on me. Because my wife was a psychologist and working as a counsellor, I agreed not to seek counselling as she did not want her fellow counsellors to know what she had done.

So I rugswept.

I began drinking a lot of alcohol in order to self-medicate.

Then I joined a hobby group. One of the members of the group was a woman who was known to both of us.

We got talking. We found we both liked watching Star Trek Voyager. My wife hated Star Trek, so sometimes I'd visit her house and we'd drink booze (we were both problem drinkers, not alcoholics, but too much) and chat.

One day we were talking about which characters we fancied in Star Trek Voyager. 

She asked me the question who I found attractive in real life. And I answered "you." Which was not actually true, so goodness knows where *that* came from.

Then, one evening we ended up, naked, in bed together.

I was on the point of PIV sex unprotected, I hadn't even asked if she was protected, FFS, when I saw a vision of my wife and the fog was blown away in an instant and we didn't have sex.

I felt like I was a real POS.

I confessed to my wife the next morning and I felt more hurt and damaged than when my wife cheated on me.

In fact, I ended up on Seroxat for a time.

It wasn't ethical, but my wife gave me counselling sessions and helped me get through the issues.

She apologised for the hurt she had put me through.

So, if you want to feel like a real POS, to be put on tranquilisers, go for a revenge affair.

Or, take my advice. Don't.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> It wasn't ethical, but my wife gave me counselling sessions and helped me get through the issues.
> 
> She apologised for the hurt she had put me through.


That doesn't sound like a real healthy power dynamic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> That doesn't sound like a real healthy power dynamic.


Err.. thanks for pointing that out, dude. 

But it worked, so what the hell?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

lifeiscrazy said:


> I do love him very much. I feel horrible that I did this even after he did what he did, but it's almost like when people are hurt this way they need validation and attention it was dumb I get that..


You love your husband but are you really happy in your marriage? Even after what he did, if he started treating you in a way that made you feel special, loved, and secure, do you think you would have craved this attention from someone else? My guess is that unless you did this immediately after his screwing around before you had a chance to recover, your marriage recovery has left you feeling insecure and/or resentful.

Which is easy to understand given he not only screwed around but subsequently made out with others. Kind of hard to feel secure.

Flash forward to today - that does not excuse your EA, but I'd take a deep look inside and ask yourself - am I truly happy with my marriage today?

If not, I'd get the book "Surviving an Affair" - they have instructions in there on how to take extraordinary precautions in your marriage today so that a physical or emotional affair is just not possible. When it's no longer possible, you will feel more secure.

As for coming clean, I think I would come clean, because:
1. Your husband may find out some day some other way and you don't want that hanging over your head.
2. Your husband needs to know that his marriage is in peril. Everything is NOT hunky dory.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

@MattMatt...

Thank you for that explanation. I've always had bits and pieces of your story, but never the whole thing (I'm sure it's buried somewhere in ancient threads!).

OP... This has gone on long enough! YEARS?? I suspect the length of time you've been deceitful is weighing heavily on your heart, more so than anything you've actually DONE.

Lying, keeping secrets, being anything less than truthful really chips away at the soul. Right now you are battling your own demons. You are in a state of self-loathing. You really should tell your husband what has been going on, but I highly recommend going to a good therapist first to help you navigate the choppy waters ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> @MattMatt...
> 
> Thank you for that explanation. I've always had bits and pieces of your story, but never the whole thing (I'm sure it's buried somewhere in ancient threads!).
> 
> ...


And that's only the Cliff's Notes version!


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

lifeiscrazy said:


> So me and my husband have a past like most people do I guess... he cheated years ago he made out with a friend twice so after this I guess I needed attention feeling like a pos. I started to talk to a guy at work started getting flirtatious and saying sexual things over the years I have told my husband sort of about this but not detailed and I don't know If I should would this do more damage or do I just leave it be?!


Don't know what to tell you other than this is not a past like "most" people.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

Wait Matt did your wife have relations or was it an EA?!. Also I did briefly tell my husband without details... I just feel like it will bring up the past and bring nothing but pain, and I love this man more than anything I can't lose him.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't mean to speak for @MattMatt... But I believe his wife DID have a full blown physical affair (she warned him it was gonna happen) while he stopped short of the Full Monte during his "revenge affair"...

MM, correct me if I'm wrong...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> I don't mean to speak for @MattMatt... But I believe his wife DID have a full blown physical affair (she warned him it was gonna happen) while he stopped short of the Full Monte during his "revenge affair"...
> 
> MM, correct me if I'm wrong...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's exactly what happened.

Though she did say "You would like xxxx. He's a really nice chap."

So convinced by this that she arranged for us to meet. I s**t you not! 

When I last saw him he was with his new wife who was tall and who had a massive pair of Bristols! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tseratievig (Mar 15, 2015)

There is a "lifeiscrazy" who has posted on SI. In fact she was someone who was very clear in her belief that SpaceGhost0007 was pathetic for not trying to salvage his marriage. It was interesting to read how "lifeiscrazy" felt on his tread. Are you the same "lifeiscrazy"?


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

Wait I said "pathetic" I don't believe that I have said that I will look.... I haven't posted much on this site! Buy Matt I do believe that maybe you should not be so hard on yourself. I think it sounds ad if she is also willing to forgive and move forward and sounds like you are not forgiving yorself. I wastill reading a helpful article last night I should send the link but it was basically saying in affairs when to tell and when it will be more harm than good..


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

lifeiscrazy said:


> Wait Matt did your wife have relations or was it an EA?!. Also I did briefly tell my husband without details... I just feel like it will bring up the past and bring nothing but pain, and I love this man more than anything I can't lose him.


If you really love him more than anything and just can't lose him then why are you doing things that will cause that very thing to happen? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself about your feelings for your hubby?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

LifeIsCrazy,

What you did not mention, and it is important is..

Did you fall in love with the OM?

Did you fall out of love with your H?

Did you lose all sexual interest in your H?

Did you engage in sexting or the sending of photos?

You don't have to post the answers here but, I believe your betrayed husband has a right to know these things, because it will help him decide if he wants to stay in the marriage or not based on facts, not lies or omissions. 

I am not one of the posters here who believes you are a bad person for engaging in an affair, but I do believe you should be honest with your H even if he is not honest with you. It's about reestablishing your integrity not his.

Tamat


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

No I didn't fall out of love and I didn't love the other guy it lead up to this cause my husband cheated on me with my best friend and I was low and a Co worker listened. It's all over now anyways I told my husband everything he is not speaking to me now and ended the call with a f you. I am in panick mode right now and feel aso if my marriage and family is done and over I feel really bad for saying anything all this time later. I just felt it was the right thing. Now I don't know.... I love this man more than anything and I may have now lost him.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

lifeiscrazy said:


> No I didn't fall out of love and I didn't love the other guy it lead up to this cause my husband cheated on me with my best friend and I was low and a Co worker listened. It's all over now anyways I told my husband everything he is not speaking to me now and ended the call with a f you. I am in panick mode right now and feel aso if my marriage and family is done and over I feel really bad for saying anything all this time later. I just felt it was the right thing. Now I don't know.... I love this man more than anything and I may have now lost him.


He's PO'd but he's also a cheater so he has no moral high ground from which to base that anger. He just got what he gave. Let the anger simmer down a bit and try to suggest that neither of you make any big decisions while still angry at the other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeiscrazy said:


> Wait I said "pathetic" I don't believe that I have said that I will look.... I haven't posted much on this site! Buy Matt I do believe that maybe you should not be so hard on yourself. I think it sounds ad if she is also willing to forgive and move forward and sounds like you are not forgiving yorself. I wastill reading a helpful article last night I should send the link but it was basically saying in affairs when to tell and when it will be more harm than good..


It's all good, now!

Now we only get to deal with my OCD and my wife's Asperger's Syndrome!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeiscrazy said:


> No I didn't fall out of love and I didn't love the other guy it lead up to this cause my husband cheated on me with my best friend and I was low and a Co worker listened. It's all over now anyways I told my husband everything he is not speaking to me now and ended the call with a f you. I am in panick mode right now and feel aso if my marriage and family is done and over I feel really bad for saying anything all this time later. I just felt it was the right thing. Now I don't know.... I love this man more than anything and I may have now lost him.


You didn't lose him. He lost himself.

Keep a light burning for him and perhaps he will find his way back.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

i wanted to say you were strong to tell him everything. I know right now it does not feel like the right thing, but it was. The facts and guilt would eat you alive and it WOULD effect him other ways. these kinds of things bleed into other aspects of life. Now his reaction is his own. You did mess up, and sure he would not be spinning out of control right now if you have not done it in the first place, but you needed to own it to him. And you have done that. He now needs to work through the shock and come back to a reasonable place of mind. And YOU need to not panic. You need to continue to be sorry and want to work on things, But you dont get to let him abuse you and dont abuse him in return. 

So take a deep breath, and try to relax and know you DID THE RIGHT THING. You need to let go of the outcome now. Try not to panic. Panic makes for irrationality. be rational when he comes back.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

Omg you have no clue how misery everything is in my life right now... basically everything has to be told in DETAIL this is years back I don't know detail. Also I am now in a **** storm cause I put him through hell why I was doing this. Basically I made him pay for what he did as I effed around is what he says.. but it's not like that and I can't explain he won't talk to me. I asked him if we can see a future together and he says depends if I have told him everything... and every time I want to speak he tells me to go find another guy and talk I am good at that! Basically I feel like crewing into a deep hole of death right now and my entire world is a mess and 14 years with this man may be over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeiscrazy said:


> Omg you have no clue how misery everything is in my life right now... basically everything has to be told in DETAIL this is years back I don't know detail. Also I am now in a **** storm cause I put him through hell why I was doing this. Basically I made him pay for what he did as I effed around is what he says.. but it's not like that and I can't explain he won't talk to me. I asked him if we can see a future together and he says depends if I have told him everything... and every time I want to speak he tells me to go find another guy and talk I am good at that! Basically I feel like crewing into a deep hole of death right now and my entire world is a mess and 14 years with this man may be over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fortunately you have come to a place where most of us know pretty much the misery you are going through.

That's one of the reasons we are here for you.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

He's going through the same feelings you did. Don't blame him, but give him some space to process. Most wayward son are super thin-skinned about infidelity.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

I don't even know what to do. I feel so lost right now and like I made the biggest mistake telling him cause now I may lose him. He is the one thing aside from my kids I don't think I could cope with losing. It's really hard cause he keeps putting in my face that I have played victim all these years and made his life hell and like he was a pos and in all that time I was talking to this other man. I don't know maybe I am the pos maybe I do deserve this bashing and he also told me that he thought I was different that I was like this saint all the mean while I am just like every other girl. He also wants every single detail... in well I don't think I got all of his details when he cheated. Basically I am lost I don't know who to talk to and or if I should tell everyone basically what a loser u am. I keep praying and I am not religious I need him back. Even if he thinks I am not a good person I can make that up right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your husband is behaving like a victim and not a participant, he just doesn't like being the participant and seems to want to place the burden of total responsibility solely on your shoulders... you can only own what you own. His outburst and replies to you are one of selfishness and pride, it may be hard for him to see his hypocrisy at the moment, it may take a little time for him to see his reflection and it may take counseling if it doesn't come easy. 

You were weak but recognize this wholeheartedly, you are on a good path here.

This path, your fear, is not a good place... they are taking over your reason, your confidence to move forward. That you are ready to sacrifice your inner self beyond healthy remorse and valuable humility will cloud your way. 

Your self-lashing is damaging and hurts your positive spirit and ability to rebuild, please see this and take your forgiveness to to heart for none other than yourself first, especially if you have openly recognized your mistake and vowed to not repeat it. You can understand his anger at your hypocrisy as well, this is fair and understandable, but blame has boundaries too.

Focus on what can go right here... your patience for him as he navigates around his pride, your awareness that you were unfair and will not return to such behavior, your decision that you want to work at making this better with counseling, your acceptance that you both have temporarily set yourselves back and growth will come and you will both be better (with counseling).

Set yourself up with counseling immediately, you do sound lost and I believe your panic has placed you there. Find a relationship counselor that you can get into today simply so you can make a footprint going forward. It may not be the right counselor for the complete journey, but you have to have a first step.

You must take care of yourself first before you can invite your husband to travel this with you. Doing so with actions will speak volumes and may inspire him to also find a better path with you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Also, please do not allow him to berate and belittle you any more as he has, that he is transferring and using guilt as a weapon is troubling, please cease to subjugate yourself. You have been honest and let him know you are as human as everyone, and you can do something about it. Here is where your actions count as you seek counseling today and do not allow this to continue as you lead by showing him how forgiveness heals.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

I am trying to not let the things he says impact me I know most is said from anger and hurt. How detailed do you get when going over things like this? Do you tell the outline basics or really plug all details?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Each spirit is different... some use the details to heal, others to retaliate with the hurt.

Share no more nor no less than you can piece together, do not trickle-truth nor diminish/embellish.

Stay honest and live with your integrity.

What will happen afterwards will happen for a reason, focus on the present and how you will move forward.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

Update. I feel so blessed and beyond happy that my husband forgave me. It was a really terrible week, but I am so thankful he gave me another chance. We have said everything is in the past and he doesn't want t speak about it. The thing I am having a hard time with and getting that terrible feeling again is stuff I keep remembering so do I bring them up or let the details go? I think that he was more concerned with If I did anything physical. And no never did I touch him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Each day is a new beginning... mutually agreeing is not rug-sweeping, it's a new beginning so trust his word here and let it go, then forgive yourself my friend. Humble remorse is temporary tool to keep in your hand like a small stone you once tripped over, it is removed from your path and only you have the ability to place it back there. After a while, you'll find that renewed value is part of you and will learn the stone is simply in the way to be discarded because you will never be on that path with that stone again.

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. -Unknown

I am very happy for you both, peace and love be with you both as you allow openness and transparency from this step forward.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeiscrazy said:


> Update. I feel so blessed and beyond happy that my husband forgave me. It was a really terrible week, but I am so thankful he gave me another chance. We have said everything is in the past and he doesn't want t speak about it. The thing I am having a hard time with and getting that terrible feeling again is stuff I keep remembering so do I bring them up or let the details go? I think that he was more concerned with If I did anything physical. And no never did I touch him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When my wife had an affair I wanted NO details whatsoever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Interestingly enough, there is a topic active right now with @katiecrna that could address this and possibly put you in the right mind regardless of where you fell before....

I am not Christian, but the story of Jesus, the Pharisees, and the adulterous woman is a powerful one. After being challenged and the situation diffused, she was left with Jesus who told her he would not judge her either. His words were straightforward... "Go and sin no more".

Pretty good advice... and without judgement, please don't wait for it to be perfect to progress.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife had an affair I wanted NO details whatsoever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think my husband did either.. he kept asking how I flirted and what I said, it's not like I hid things but kept it to a minimum because non really was said out of me actually Going to lead to the actual actions. I think his main thing and what he was trying to comprehend is if I did anything physical cause in his brain he thinks men don't sit and talk and say dirty things with women unless they have something to follow through with. But I literally never touched him. I think this is why it's easy for my husband well not easy but more room for forgiveness with words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

jsmart said:


> His affair was years ago before you were married. Yours is recent after you got married and had a kid together. Delving into what he did years ago is going to get him thinking about what you recently did. We men are possessive. Before you were just his affair partner, now your his wife and mother of his kid. Very hard for a man to let that go.
> 
> Why come here, admitting that you were in a hotel room but didn't have sex because he couldn't get it up, then now say you didn't touch him. So this man couldn't get it up and you didn't go down on him to try and elevate him? Really?
> 
> If you want help, advise, and guidance down playing what you've done is not going to help you get the assistance you need. We have read much worse than what you appear to have done.


I think you have the wrong person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Each day is a new beginning... mutually agreeing is not rug-sweeping, it's a new beginning so trust his word here and let it go, then forgive yourself my friend. Humble remorse is temporary tool to keep in your hand like a small stone you once tripped over, it is removed from your path and only you have the ability to place it back there. After a while, you'll find that renewed value is part of you and will learn the stone is simply in the way to be discarded because you will never be on that path with that stone again.
> 
> You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. -Unknown
> 
> I am very happy for you both, peace and love be with you both as you allow openness and transparency from this step forward.


I love the words and advise you give. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeiscrazy said:


> I don't think my husband did either.. he kept asking how I flirted and what I said, it's not like I hid things but kept it to a minimum because non really was said out of me actually Going to lead to the actual actions. I think his main thing and what he was trying to comprehend is if I did anything physical cause in his brain he thinks men don't sit and talk and say dirty things with women unless they have something to follow through with. But I literally never touched him. I think this is why it's easy for my husband well not easy but more room for forgiveness with words.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the difference. I knew my wife physically cheated on me. (She told me in advance that she was going to) but that knowledge was enough for me to process. 

I really wanted no details. At all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And that's only the Cliff's Notes version!


And we will know when you are OVER it....when you no longer post here or visit here.

That Day-Mare may never arrive. Memories can be so controlling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> And we will know when you are OVER it....when you no longer post here or visit here.
> 
> That Day-Mare may never arrive. Memories can be so controlling.


I am here now mainly to pay it forward.

I got the help I required and needed when I needed it and I am now doing my best to help other people.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I am here now mainly to pay it forward.
> 
> I got the help I required and needed when I needed it and I am now doing my best to help other people.


Good for you! I feel so guilty and sad sometimes looking at him. I think this is normal and I don't know if I tell him more things or drop it cause we said to. I just don't want him to feel I am hiding things or lying to him. I told him sexual inuendos were said so he obviously knows things crossed the line. And I am still haunted by my words. I don't know if he cares to know or more so if it was physical do u ask him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

lifeiscrazy said:


> I think you have the wrong person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bad, I got your thread mixed up with another. I apologize. Deleting the post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

lifeiscrazy,

Congratulations on coming clean, you can remove that little voice from the back of your head now. 

5 or 10 or 20 years from now it will seem like an even better decision. My allowing my W to withhold the details from an affair before we were married is becoming a worse and worse decision with every year that passes.

Perhaps you can take this approach as you think of more details write them down in a notebook, your H can read them or not.

Have your H write down the details from his affair in a notebook too, you can read it or not.

Offer to take a polygraph ask H to take one too.

Did you inform the wife of you emotional affair partner I think she needs to know have your H speak with here, same for the husband of your Hs affair partner.

Tamat


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> lifeiscrazy,
> 
> Congratulations on coming clean, you can remove that little voice from the back of your head now.
> 
> ...


Ya I get what you are saying.. I don't think it will effect down the road what I have to say was words not actions, also what your wife has not told you was this very big and bad things? I also don't want to know details anymore of my husband we have moved on and I know what we have now and what we were then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> lifeiscrazy,
> 
> Congratulations on coming clean, you can remove that little voice from the back of your head now.
> 
> ...


All those old bones and buried secrets...brought to the surface by no Questioner?

If no one shouts down into yesterday's cellar, demanding answers, silence the bell-weather confessions. 

Do not resurrect those infractions on a whim, especially if no one remembers the pain that was dropped into the [now] dry well.... in the pasture of yesterday's forgotten dreams. Let them be taken by dryrot and mold. 

These are old memories bubbling to the surface....forced to be relived by Plutonian forces that serve no useful purpose.... save to destroy your relationship with your husband. 

Attone for your misdeeds by kindly actions not by hitting him with stinging old nettles dredged up from your past.

Unless you want your marriage to fall, to fail from unthinking words.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> All those old bones and buried secrets...brought to the surface by no Questioner?
> 
> If no one shouts down into yesterday's cellar, demanding answers, silence the bell-weather confessions.
> 
> ...


This is very well said. I do not want my marriage to fail nor do I want to be a liar... not saying that's what I am doing and I don't think that I am? I hate that he asked me and I didn't describe things is that wrong? Like that he asked what I said to flirt and I told him sexual inuendos I feel like that's description enough to cover basically all the sexual inappropriate things said without hurting feelings.. huh maybe that's what I feel bad about still. I don't know? I think I deserve to feel this way whatever it is though I can't do something like this to someone I love and come out feeling amazing right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeiscrazy said:


> I think I deserve to feel this way whatever it is though I can't do something like this to someone I love and come out feeling amazing right!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is done. 

Your guilty words have risen, been read and now are the latest past. Old ghosts now have a weakened claim to your soul.

Another entity [you] makes good cloth from bad choices.

Your head is softer than mine.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

So should I tell my husband I don't want to feel like he thinks I am hiding things and I he has any questions to tell me.. I will answer and do you think he gets what sexual inuindo is? Like sexual texting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have already confessed.

Do not bring the Banshee out of its container again......unless HE ASKS.

He don't ask.......you don't tell.

If he asks, tell him calmly whatever it is that you remember.

And remind him that the talking with OM was all fluff and no show.

Tell him it was stupid of you to do this.....you learned your history lesson. 

Hopefully, he learned his OWN Physical Geography course was a failure. And that his "F" performance and grade bars him from repeating the course.


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## lifeiscrazy (Jan 3, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> You have already confessed.
> 
> Do not bring the Banshee out of its container again......unless HE ASKS.
> 
> ...


I know I just feel bad thinking of things thinking shoot do I tell?! Also he asked me during all the questioning how long I talked to him weeks?months? I said yes. But we did speak occasion over the years we really were friends and sometimes just said stuff we shouldn't have more in the beginning though then it died out and just be more joking down the road. But I didn't explain that.. do i? I mean how many people want to know the basics and do men really want to hear that...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Lifeiscrazy*
> But I didn't explain that.. do i?


STOP. You keep asking about you telling him more.



> We have said everything is in the past and *he doesn't want to speak about it.*


*
*
Your husband said “HE DOESN’T WANT To SPEAK ABOUT IT!
Your guilt is making your thinking unsure. Your husband has told you his position and you have got a lot of response on this forum telling you the same thing as your husband. You want to do more? *Then prove with actions that he is number one and no one is in second place for the next 50 years. You should start right now*!


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