# Wife asked for separation and I am totally lost



## ck24 (Jan 13, 2013)

Please excuse me if this is all over the place but Ive never really put all my thoughts down. I guess I'll start by saying that I truly love my wife and I have no doubt that we can eventually be happily married again. My wife and I have been together for 12 year (college) and married almost 5. Things have gradually fallen apart over the past few years and culminated with my wife telling me that she wants to separate (asked me to move out). In all honesty, neither of us have been happy during this time and there have been several warning signs that things were progressively getting worst, however I never imagine a time would come when she would throw in the towel. She expressed all of her feeling and it was a very hard pill to swallow ( no longer in love, feels like I have held her back, in constant fear if fighting, anxiety coming home, no passion...etc) She also expressed all of the things about my personality and behavior that have pushed her away (controlling, anger, negativity). Now before i continue I will admit that I have been guilty in one way or another of all of these things, but I never understood how these things were having such a negative effect on our relationship. Again hearing all of these things was a punch to gut but it also helped me gain clairty and perspective on the these things and has motivated me to be proactive in changing them. In the past when we had conversation about separating and she expressed her displeasures I would alway try to make the changes but would eventually fall back into those same habits and negative behaviors. I really feel like I now understand her perspective and WANT to make the changes that shes requesting however I am afraid I'm to late. 
We are still living together but only because I'm still evaluating options of another living situation. I want nothing more then to save my marriage but really struggling on what steps I need to take. I so scared to actually leave because I know it will devastate me and I dont want to lose her. On the other hand I think that it very possible that the time apart could help her realize her feeling for me. I keeping going back and forth about how to handle things. I know the most important thing for her right now is her happiness and she just doesnt feel like she can be happy in this relationship right now. I also feel like I'm getting mixed signals about what she wants and needs from me right now (she'll request space but then text or call me, tell me lets take things one day at a time...etc) but ultimately every time it comes up in conversation she resorts back saying she still wants space and to separate. I'm doing my best to stay positive but its difficult to say the least. Im constantly battling my own emotions and trying to make sense of things and not trying to project these emotions in our interactions because I know that will only push her away. I think the hardest part is that i feel helpless and have no control over the situation and no matter what i do I'm in a lose/lose dilemma.
I could probably go on ranting for hours about this but i guess I'm just looking for feedback or suggestion about how to cope and what things I can do make the situation better and win back my wife's heart.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1st off never leave the house, if she wants out then she leaves. If this thing head south months from now you will get labeled as abandoning her...trust leaving the marital home will screw you in the end.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Seconly what is the real reason she wants "space", I mean she has been dealing with you for so long and like you said you try to change but then go back to old ways....now all of the sudden its different.

My point is it might be different if there is a toxic friend or another man influencing this new change in attemting to work it out or lack of.

Quitely do your own investigation to see if there is another man, cuz giving her space will be the wrong approach.


You need to find out what your dealing with so you can take the most effective approach...so spy!!!!!!

Stop begging and crying for the marriage, chicks dig confident men so with a smile on your face wish her the best in her new life.

This will also raise your attraction level by showing her you won't take any of her crap...if she wants space then she knows were the door is. 

This tactic will get her to think twice in what she is about to lose and it will tell her you will not tolorate any of her fence sitting crap.

Surrond your self with confidence or she will never second guess her choices in what she is asking for...she needs to see the reality of what she is asking for by distancing your self and giving her a taste of what she wants.


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## ck24 (Jan 13, 2013)

Appreciate the advice. I have wondered if there is another influence involved but its very difficult to approach that topic without creating more conflict. I will work on looking into that though because as toxic as things have gotten it would not surprise me. Any suggestion on how to address that topic?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

ck24 said:


> Appreciate the advice. I have wondered if there is another influence involved but its very difficult to approach that topic without creating more conflict. I will work on looking into that though because as toxic as things have gotten it would not surprise me. Any suggestion on how to address that topic?


Has your W's lifestyle changed lately? ie. Girls Night Out, leaving the room to talk on the phone, more texting than usual,etc?

Secretive about her cell and the calls and texts she receives?


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## ck24 (Jan 13, 2013)

Somewhat. She has begun to focus on a new career path and I think its is changing her perspective on life in general. I know the people she has met in that field have likely influenced her to better herself so Its hard to say if that could have triggered this but I know that she's totally focused on her own happiness right now. It seems like I always find a way to complicate the situation by making assumptions or falling back into old habits that create tension. I really just want to try to focus on re-creating a friendship and a relationship that she wants to be a part of which is not the case at this point. She keeps saying I need to work on myself and not focus on fixing us but I can't help but try to fix this and I guess I haven't fully accepted responsibility of my role in this and want it to be something else that has caused it to fail.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Don't move out check the cell records put a keylogger on the computer but like has been said, SHE can move out!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

ck24 said:


> I really just want to try to focus on re-creating a friendship and a relationship that she wants to be a part of which is not the case at this point. She keeps saying I need to work on myself and not focus on fixing us but I can't help but try to fix this and I guess I haven't fully accepted responsibility of my role in this and want it to be something else that has caused it to fail.


Listen to what she is saying. She doesn't want to "fix" anything right now.

Is there a specific reason why YOU have to be the one to leave?

Read this book: Married Man Sex Life Primer. 
Here's the link to buy thru Amazon:
[*URL="http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731"]http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731*[/URL

Also some good reading:

Game Is Even More Important For Relationships « Chateau Heartiste

Stop begging and pleading - it's just going to drive her away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ck24 said:


> Appreciate the advice. I have wondered if there is another influence involved but its very difficult to approach that topic without creating more conflict. I will work on looking into that though because as toxic as things have gotten it would not surprise me. Any suggestion on how to address that topic?


You smile at your wife tell her you love her dearly and when she isn't looking you look at her cell phone. Better yet approach this when she is fast asleep it will give you more time to really dig into the phone.

Also the best way to approach this is when she is out with her friends, you can install a keylogger on her computor...you will need alot of time to place that.

I also recommend a voice activated recorder and get some velcrow tape and plant it under her car seat. Most likely if she has a toxic friend that isn't a friend to the marriage she is getting all her advice from her. Also if there is another man and not a toxic friend then most like she feels safest talking to him in her car, your chick feels safer there and will speak freely...were as is she is home next to you she will only text the man that she hopes will replace you.

Do you know the red flags to indentify infidelity, like keeping her cell close and locked, does she walk out of the room to take call or text, has her appearence changed when she goes off to work????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ck24 said:


> Somewhat. She has begun to focus on a new career path and I think its is changing her perspective on life in general. I know the people she has met in that field have likely influenced her to better herself so Its hard to say if that could have triggered this but I know that she's totally focused on her own happiness right now. It seems like I always find a way to complicate the situation by making assumptions or falling back into old habits that create tension. I really just want to try to focus on re-creating a friendship and a relationship that she wants to be a part of which is not the case at this point. She keeps saying I need to work on myself and not focus on fixing us but I can't help but try to fix this and I guess I haven't fully accepted responsibility of my role in this and want it to be something else that has caused it to fail.


Your chick is right! So surprise her by showing her what she is asking for by not being there for her. Give her the detachment and indifference she thinks she wants. She won't get it until she tastes the reality of it.


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## ck24 (Jan 13, 2013)

We had a brief separation 2 years ago. She moved home to her parents for a month. I had a series of bad decision that culminated with a alcohol induced fight with a family friend and she got fed up with my immature behavior. She feels like she left last time and that I should be the one to leave this time.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

One thing for sure: you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Regardless of who moves out - you need to start the 180 and start your MAP (Male Action Plan). 

I can't stress enough - do not beg, plead, or cry (at least in front of her).


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

old timer said:


> One thing for sure: you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Regardless of who moves out - you need to start the 180 and start your MAP (Male Action Plan).
> 
> I can't stress enough - do not beg, plead, or cry (at least in front of her).


And fix your issues while you are at it. Do it for you!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> And fix your issues while you are at it. Do it for you!


^^^Absolutely^^^


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Dollars to donuts - she is involved with someone - i would switch this discussion to the coping with infidelity forum and see what they say....


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Some good advice on here. Im going through a simular situation, and im going to forget about her for the time being.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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