# The pain of not knowing



## kykadekam (Oct 9, 2009)

Hello ladies and gents. Very good site!

I have an issue i fear day in and day out, and hoping i can find the information or some kind of idea what i might be heading into or what not, but however it goes this would be the place to help me out.

I been married for 8 years. i am 28 years old and got 3 fantastic children and would never give up anything in providing for them under any circumstances. But 1 person there MOM. I love her with everything i got and give every possible love i can give day in and day out even if im angry at her or work. 

I am having a problem with her not knowing what she wants and what she is feeling? crazy huh? i mean we talk communicate all the time but for some reason she says she loves me so much but theres things that i am doing that bothers her but she says it aint that? now that gets me lost and asking her to explain is like asking a 1 yr old baby to write a letter. She says she dont know if theres an END to our marriage and what she wants to do. But says lets just absorb it and go day by day. DIVORCE was mentioned but yet thats not what she wants.

I am lost and very clueless to all of this. I give her everything and when i mean everything i go to work to go to work to support the family and be able to give my KIDS and wife the things they want but yet i DONT forget where my happiness is at, and always looking forward to go to it and that HOME to my FAMILY. I wash clothes,COOK, get the kids all ready for school, clean the house, and i still go to school. but for her all she does is work and kids homework. It dont bother me for the things i do, because its what i want to do to help in any way i can. 

Now it hurts to know she not sure where our marriage is going and how soon it will come to an END Forgive me if im like going in circles here but i am stressed and the only time i can let it out is when the kids and mom are asleep. Im very good at hiding my emotions until a good opertunity for me to let it out is in the clear.

When i look at her i see our future with smiles and thousands of glories memories as a family. And i stand by my word when i said THREW BETTER OR FOR WORSE THREW SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. that i took with me till this very day and will till i hit the ground.

She is confusing me and me just hanging around waiting for her to tell me what she wants is very frustrating. She says she loves me but yet dont know if she wants to be with me or whats she actually wants? heck i bet your all lost righ tnow but trust me we are on the same boat.
she does not give me all of her! and i mean like romantic,cuddling or just making sweet love. its just more of a wam bam thank you mam kind of thing. Theres no more of the sweet conversations or how was your day today baby? i mean it all is straight forward. " how was your day baby?" her" good" thats it just that one simple word "GOOD" before it was like it was so busy and on and on and on. every answer i get is a one or two letter word answer from her. I cant even spark a convo with her and keep it going anymore. she tells me i dont meet up with her co workers becausae im not at there level? just because i aitn in the AIR FORCE? But all my intensions are when she tells me is my thoughts on how it looks from my point of view and what i would do. All i think about is giving the MOTIVATION but yet she takes it like " WHAT THE **** YOU TALKING ABOUT" So im at the end of options to try and suceed, and was hoping someone out there or here would shine the light of options i have not known or seen and give it one last shot to make our dream come true and thats to live our lives as a family and make it threw any obstacile that comes our way.
I am a devoted and loving husband that will not give up on my kids and wife till the day the lord takes me away.

I tried marriage conseling but thats a no go for her, getting seperated os also another no go so its like what the heck are we going to do? should i just get up and leave weather she likes it or not? just for couple weeks to show her i am serious about working it out? or do i leave it up to her?


PLEASE help me threw my most hardest quest i have in countered in this life i live today and make it threw.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey there,
You sound like someone who is a bit confused about things - I couldn't quite work out what is going on either from your post...

do you feel that your wife no longer loves you?

why would you leave her? 

I don't think that would prove anything at this stage.

how long have you felt like this?

why won't your wife see a counsellor?


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I think you should research therapist and make sure you find one that is either a christian therapist or at least one that is PRO-Marriage. Then you can say to your wife that you would like her to join you in therapy as you are trying to change your ways and be the best person, father, husband that you can be. And that you would like her input during the session. That way you get her there and maybe she will open up or at least the therapist might say something positive or something that really triggers her to think through her decisions. She is confused just like all of our spouses. It is so crazy because appearantly in this day and age everyone wants to make sure that their own happiness is being met before anyone elses. It sucks.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's sounds like your a good H. 

Quit focusing on her since she doesn't know what she wants anyway. Why look at her for your answers?

Your answers lie within you. Be the best person for you and your kids. Have some fun for you! Work on you! Go to counseling for you! Invite her along for the ride...if she doesn't want on-you GO!

Sometimes a peson can be too compliant or too helpful or too NICE! See my thread on "The Real World" we are talking about "Nice Guys." Not sure if you are truly one...but it's an enlightening topic.


----------



## kykadekam (Oct 9, 2009)

the whole thing to this is that she dont know if she wants to be single again and thinks if she is she might be better just herself and the kids. How she thinks shes gonna have the kids if a divorce is on the horizon is not gonna happen.

Im just as lost and confused as anyone else. She is giving me all these differnt emotions and feelings about how she feels. 1 day it could be all i so love you and by the next day is i dont know what i want. I mean its like she can love me today but tomorrow im an ass hole to her. And what gets me is she still goes clubbing, still wants to look all sexy and get some breast inplants and all thats fine but just all of a sudden all these wantings came out of nowhere, im like ok what just happened? 

I hold all my feelings weather its from work or at home and i try to address the problem within me and not for others to see. WORK is WORK and HOME is HOME thats how it works with me. I DONT drink or go clubbing or anything pretty much what a single guy would do. Im more of an outdoor person and stay home and spend time with the family.

Going to consuling i asked her to try but word for word is what she said "IF WE NEED TO GET COUNSELING WE MINUS WELL GET A DIVORCE" im like ok so what or how can we fix our 8 yrs of marriage before it leads us to the END? " I dont know Dont ask me yet" So yet i put it aside and do what i gotta do day in and day out and pretend to myself and the kids everything is okay. Now it has come to the part where its even more of an everyday type thing i cant just fix by myself without any help.

I have gone to see a therapist by myself and did it 4 about a month and a half. I was told be him what i need to do is exactly what im doing it now and giving her the time to find her self and make a dicision. But at the same time i need to prepare myself for the unexpected end and just basicly have a plan when it does happen and if it dont have a plan how to be more ferm with her and take control. he says right now the ball is in her court because 1. she knows i am there waiting so it gives her more then enough time to do what she wants until she can figure it out or give me the dissappoinment. 2. she knows i wont leave without a fight to save the marriage. and 3. the kids.
He suggestsed to be blunt and ferm with what ever i do and what ever i say. i been doing it but by me doing it now shes like more stronger then ever. its like the attitude is Who gives a FXXK what you say or the i dont care thing.


----------

