# depressed with guilt



## DDH585 (Dec 23, 2015)

I was married for 10 years and felt bored & unappreciated by my wife who spent more time with her computer than with me. I ended up befriending someone who was in a bad marriage with a narcissist. We spent too much time together and I found her attention and need was what I wanted.

I left my wife for her but her marital damage caused us too many conflicts and a year later I went back to my wife. A month later the GF convinced me to come back. She was so needy, I agreed. That lasted a few months until GF had a drunken violent episode with me. My wife took me back again.

Everything was fine except for my guilt preventing me from working on my marriage. I don't trust people and didn't want to go to counseling. 

During the next several months, the ex GF kept pushing me to get back together. For a few weeks it seemed like it might be a good idea (I know that's stupid). I soon realized that was never going to make me happy. We are too insecure.

I never let myself be open to my wife. It was too painful and I don't know where to start trying to make things right with a woman who loves me enough to overlook my selfish, ignorant behavior.

I even went so far as to tell my wife I did not love her to keep that pain away.

Recently, she started going out with coworkers. It was fine when she came home after 2 am. But the next night she said she would not be out long and didnt come home until 8 am. No explanation, no text, no call, no apology. I spent the evening telling the kids their mom would be home soon every time they asked.

When I woke up and she wasnt home, all I could think was she was in jail or the hospital. She didn't even address it when she did get home.

She did eventually say that she didn't think I cared where she was. I deserved that. She did say she wasn't cheating.

I found myself being jealous and paranoid that she was cheating. I do love her, I just can't seem to let her know.

Last night she got home from work & went straight to change her clothes. Didn't even say hi. Our daughter asked her why she was changing and she said she was meeting a friend. She never did specifically tell me she was going out, with who, or doing what when she left.

That makes 3 nights out in less than a week. She came home at 3:45

I went through 1/2 a bottle of whiskey trying to stop the feelings of guilt, loss, and depression. I cried for an hour. I;m crying off and on today.

Her new routine of going out just started. Never went out with coworkers before. Why now & so often?

I am consumed with thoughts that she's cheating. I guess I can't blame her. I treated her like crap. But it hurts me incredibly that I am the babysitter and she would rather be out than with me.

I feel very depressed and don't know how to even bring this up. I don't feel justified to complain after what I did to her. So for now, I sit here being sad and not knowing where to turn for some kind of answer.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

DDH585 said:


> I was married for 10 years and felt bored & unappreciated by my wife who spent more time with her computer than with me. I ended up befriending someone who was in a bad marriage with a narcissist. We spent too much time together and I found her attention and need was what I wanted.
> 
> I left my wife for her but her marital damage caused us too many conflicts and a year later I went back to my wife. A month later the GF convinced me to come back. She was so needy, I agreed. That lasted a few months until GF had a drunken violent episode with me. My wife took me back again.
> 
> ...


She's in a REVENGE AFFAIR, getting your ass back..Lookout! DUDE


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> She's in a REVENGE AFFAIR, getting your ass back..Lookout! DUDE


Yep because she wants you to feel how she felt when you cheated on her. Of course she isn't going to admit that she is cheating. I don't think she cares if you find out. You deserve this not only did you cheat on her but you aren't remorseful and are still treating her like crap. You guys need counseling or your marriage will not survive.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

She may take this RA over the top, I mean sex in your house, in your marital bed, etc. You better prepare your self for a hell of an emotional ass kick. She lured you back just to finish you off for good emotionally. DUDE


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Dude, your story could be mine, except my H never left, he just treated me like crap for years while he was having multiple affairs. Then when I started going out, dressing better, lost weight, etc, he suddenly started noticing me again. By then I was having an EA and deep into it. 
I can tell you what NOT to do. Do not spy on her as it will only make her even more resentful and bitter towards you. Your wife has had to endure your affair for years, wondering what you said about her to the OW, what you did in bed, where you went while you were wining and dining her before you went back to a hotel. These were all the mind movies that played in my mind over and over and still do sometimes. 
Your wife deserves the same space that you gave yourself to figure things out. I know that goes against the regulation TAM advice, but in revenge affairs, I think the rules are not the same. If my H had let me alone, my EA would have ended much earlier. Instead, he acted self-righteous, like what I was doing was so much worse and he hadn't even been completely honest with me about what happened. And the spying was the worst. He completely invaded my privacy, putting keyloggers on the computers and hacking into my phone and work email. All I could think was that I did not have that option when he was having affairs, it never occurred to me to spy, yet he was not giving me the same rights that he gave himself.
So, my advice is to sit your wife down and talk to her like she's an adult. Tell her everything that happened with the OW and your feelings of guilt and remorse. Whatever you do, don't blame your wife. My H tried to make it out like it was my fault because I wasn't tending to his sexual needs enough. That just made me even more upset with him and also made me feel guilty. It was crazy making and I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive him for making me feel so worthless. 
Tell your wife that you will do whatever it takes to make it up to her, that she can have her freedom, but that you miss her and will be there for her now and forever. It may be too late, but that is where you should start.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

karma.

time to call the lawyer and disolve your marriage.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

chillymorn said:


> karma.
> 
> time to call the lawyer and disolve your marriage.


Game, set, match...DUDE


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> She may take this RA over the top, I mean sex in your house, in your marital bed, etc. You better prepare your self for a hell of an emotional ass kick. *She lured you back just to finish you off for good emotionally.* DUDE


Really? This woman has been to hell and back with her H, and you think she just wants to finish him off? She has to be in some serious emotional pain and that should be her H's focus, not his pity party on the couch.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> Really? This woman has been to hell and back with her H, and you think she just wants to finish him off? She has to be in some serious emotional pain and that should be her H's focus, not his pity party on the couch.


Anger/Hurt can take you places you never thought you'd go! I'm certain she knows exactly what she is doing, ITS REVENGE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

There's way too much bad blood here between you two to repair this marriage. Divorce and move on, separately. Next time be a better version of yourself. You really need therapy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're getting what you gave. Doesn't feel good does it?

At this time there's too much damage and baggage.

Get a amicable divorce and hopefully you can learn from your failings and put together a better future for yourself and kids. They are the innocents here. 

When you go outside of your marriage this is the consequences. In the future work within the marriage instead of looking outside. 

Good luck, you'll both need it. Your immediate future is a down grade in lifestyle, finances, etc.

Obviously you were to selfish to look at the long term effects this would have. Surprise!!!!!


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Your wife is a saint. She knows she's Plan B. You must remember SHE just finished being the babysitter while you played house with someone else not once but -twice. 

My guess is she is trying to salvage her pride somehow by letting you experience some of the pain, paranoia and depression that she has felt all this time. Who knows she may have found someone that makes HER feel needed, appreciated and excited. 

Think very hard on this….is it a rekindled appreciation and deep love you feel for her or just macho jealousy? You don't really want her but you don't want anyone else to have her either? 

I had an A years ago and the guilt I felt stopped me from being a good partner. I believe H had an A last year while I was on the computer all the time feeling depressed, unattractive and unmotivated. I disclosed my A and although he hasn't admitted his A we have been working through this mess. 

The biggest single thing that has made a difference was after a year of therapy IC and MC he finally showed his vulnerability and true feelings to me during a weekend workshop for couples. It was based on Imago theory and has helped us continue to move in the right direction. We know we love each other and this pain we have both experienced is the price we have paid for our immaturity. 

IF you really truly love her you have a chance to make your marriage work but it won't be easy- it will be the hardest thing you have ever done and it may not work. You will have to swallow your pride and get into counselling to help you express your feelings to your wife. She probably has a $#it load of feelings she hasn't expressed to you either. You need to become vulnerable and honest with her. Keep reading threads on here and you will get a very clear idea of the damage that has been done and what needs to be done in order to have a chance at a successful R.

The guilt is good-it needs to drive you towards working on your marriage.

Why was she on the computer all the time? Was she bored, feeling unappreciated, like a babysitter and housekeeper instead of a cherished wife? Did she feel depressed? anxious? overwhelmed? Computers are an easy way of exiting the marriage.

Sorry its a bit rambling but I hope you get the message. Good luck hang in there.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> Anger/Hurt can take you places you never thought you'd go! I'm certain she knows exactly what she is doing, ITS REVENGE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!! DUDE


Dude, I didn't where I was going, never even considered that I was in a revenge affair. I was in despair, too busy with the kids and other obligations to sort out my feelings, and my H didn't say a word about what happened. He told me later that he figured if I wasn't going to bring it up, why should he open that can of worms? If he had talked to me, told me how sorry he was, asked me what he could do to make it up, then it might have made a difference. He acted as if it was my responsibility to fix things and I suspect that is what they OP's wife has felt and what she's now sick to death of. 

People often do things for unconscious reasons, especially when they are in pain.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

nursejackie said:


> Your wife is a saint. She knows she's Plan B. You must remember SHE just finished being the babysitter while you played house with someone else not once but -twice.
> 
> My guess is she is trying to salvage her pride somehow by letting you experience some of the pain, paranoia and depression that she has felt all this time. Who knows she may have found someone that makes HER feel needed, appreciated and excited.
> 
> ...


Feeling as if my H only cared because someone else wanted me is one of the resentments with which I still struggle. Yes, use that guilt to motivate you to be a better, more thoughtful loving H. Do not just use it to feel sorry for yourself.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> Dude, I didn't where I was going, never even considered that I was in a revenge affair. I was in despair, too busy with the kids and other obligations to sort out my feelings, and my H didn't say a word about what happened. He told me later that he figured if I wasn't going to bring it up, why should he open that can of worms? If he had talked to me, told me how sorry he was, asked me what he could do to make it up, then it might have made a difference. He acted as if it was my responsibility to fix things and I suspect that is what they OP's wife has felt and what she's now sick to death of.
> 
> People often do things for unconscious reasons, especially when they are in pain.


While shes partying like a ROCK STAR all night??!!! She's not depressed watching TV, shes at the bars til all hours and then hooking up with some dude getting SCHLONGED(Go TRUMP!)..Thats REVENGE!!! DUDE


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> While shes partying like a ROCK STAR all night??!!! She's not depressed watching TV, shes at the bars til all hours and then hooking up with some dude* getting SCHLONGED(Go TRUMP!)*..Thats REVENGE!!! DUDE


Off topic, but is that what Trump said? I tried to read his lips and couldn't figure it out!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Off topic, but is that what Trump said? I tried to read his lips and couldn't figure it out!


Yep, thats what he said, then tried to back peddle BIG TIME..DUDE


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

You got some great advice here; as a BS what nursejackie and blahfridge are saying resonates with me. If you want the marriage to work, you got to be willing to bare all.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Trump said that Hilary got schlonged by Obama. It's a yiddish word for getting slapped with a penis:

Urban Dictionary: schlonged


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry to say this but your marriage is over.

You cheated and you left not only your wife but your kids too.

Now she is doing the same thing for you.

Be honest with yourself,do you want your kids to grow up in marriage like this ?

Talk with your lawyer and SHARE custody of your kids with wife.

Find yourself another girl/wife and please respect her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's either a revenge affair or she's just finding herself after so many years of you devaluing her. It seems obvious that she's having an A & I am one who thinks you should be honest and divorce before you find someone else. She obviously doesn't feel this way, though.

She's showing you that she was always the one who was valuable - always. You were wallowing in your own stuff, not caring how much you hurt her, and now she is standing up for herself.

You have been very poor husband material. You still are. You haven't done the hard work of finding remorse for your lies and deceit and the enormous hurt you have caused.

Work on yourself. Let her go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That guilt you are feeling will phuck up your family.

Having been there ( not a cheater but a wife beater) I let my old lady get away with the same shyt your chick is doing now for 13 years. Your old lady is on her 1st OM (other man) my old lady went through 20 guys. 

My point here is not about how phucked up the both of you are, but that you gouys can be better for your fiture and for your family unit.

Bad behavior has consequences you are dealing with yours....your guilt, depression, and now losing your wife (been there). The new reality is now your old lady....in time will have to deal with her consequences....her guilt, depression, and losing you.

Now for the good news. This isn't about anything but the fact that you have been down this infidelity road and you know for a fact that she will be on the same road.

The trick is getting her to face this by gathering the evidence and showing her that she is in fact pucking around and down a very unhealthy path. Once she can face her bull shyt, just like you did then the both of you can change. For now the change isn't for each other but for you and her as individuals. Then lets see if the both of you can keep it together.

At the end of the day this behavior is just unhealthy ( she is having to much fun, you might have to hire a PI to show her what she is doing to her self....you already know) and the bandaid she is using doesn't work.

Alls I know is you can only control what you can control. For me hitting my wife is not what I wanted to be so I checked my crap and took responsiblity......it's up to you to wait on her or not.

Sooner or later she will experience emotional pain and god for bid she feels the physical pain from some nut. What i mean is her behavior will snow ball. So please learn from me and face her crap now and get the proof you need to show her that the path she is on will not end well....again the trick is showing her that she does in fact have unhealthy behaviors that will not end well ...not for you but for her...and that's hard to do this early on. She realy needs to get used by enough guys for her to understand that what she is doing is not going to work for her....sorry!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

the guy said:


> That guilt you are feeling will phuck up your family.
> 
> Having been there ( not a cheater but a wife beater) I let my old lady get away with the same shyt your chick is doing now for 13 years. Your old lady is on her 1st OM (other man) my old lady went through 20 guys.
> 
> ...


This reads like poetry...dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short I owned my unhealthy behaviors....I didn't have to own my old ladies unhealthy behaviors....she made the choice just like I made to change mine. You will have to just let her go and move on if she can't own up and face her unhealthy behaviors.

Again, letting your old lady get away with this shyt cuz of your own guilt will phucken ruin you! Confront it now and show her the consequences.

With out consequences bad behavior continues....in my case for 13 years!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My biggest regret was letting my old lady get away with her bull crap cuz I was such a phucked up husband.....it would have saved us both a ton of emotional pain!

Granted it was my old ladies choice to cheat just like it was my choice to slap the snot out of her.

The fact that it went on for so long is crazy....the fact that we both learned to find the tools to have healthier behaviors as individuals is a miracle.

For what it's worth.....I don't think your old lady is going to come running back any time soon.

She is just getting started.

Thats my $0.02


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You W has got you back and now it is pay back time. 

While she was in limbo grappling with the emotional pain of your abandoning her and the kids not once but many times and playing football with her emotions by the going back and forth, she held the fort. 
Now you are back, it is hitting her what you did, she is probably really angry and confused that the man who says he loves her treated her like s***! She wants you to know the pain you caused her and this is how she is doing it, she will regret it, because she is only going to cause herself and the kids more pain because this is probably not who she is, you made her like this.

You have no moral ground whatsoever to question her, attack her, spy on her, etc. 
You have to ask yourself are you crying because you really love her and want your marriage to work, or because you are now being a cuckold and are feeling sorry for yourself? Your motivations are the key. 
If it is the former then pull up your big boy breeches, sit down hear her out, the pain you caused, the years of agony for her, the damage to the kids, tell her everything she needs to know. Then tell her you want to work on it and get MC together as this will be a mightly long climb out of the mess you created.

If you are crying because you are feeling sorry for yourself because not the shoe is on the other foot, then I would suggest you talk to your wife and get a divorce.

Do some soul searching first and be the head of the household for once.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that I think would help you if you were to read it:

Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley

At this point your wife has no reason to believe that you care about her at all. I have no doubt that she feels like you are only back with her because the affair did not work out. 

She might not be able to verbalize this, but she needs for you to fight for her. Right now you are crying and carrying on because your ego is hurt.. not because you love her, want her, care about her... it's still all about you.

The book will tell you how to fight for her.. no it's not about beating up some guy she may or may not be seeing. It’s about you starting to fix yourself, become the man you should have been all along and then showing her that you have changed and can be trusted… AND most of all that you actually love your wife.


"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree that divorce is the path if behaviors don't change....and I stand by this view with the simple fact that two wrongs don't make it right.

It is my opinion that his old lady is in no place to work this out....talk is cheap.....his old lady has made a choice, it is now OP choice to wait on her like I did or bail now.

Bailing now just might save the marriage!

I think there is to much resentment to sit down and talk. It's time for action.

Confront WW with proof of her infidelity, expose it and set boundaries for a healthier M or set boundaries for a civil divorce.

Again, 2 wrongs don't make it right....*both* of them need to "climb out of the mess *they* both created"!

IMHO it's up to the WW to turn this cycle of infidelity around. 


What sucks is WW is so deep into the affair fog that OP has a long road a head of him.

#1 WW is in denial about her adultery, #2 WW thinks she is justified, and #3 BH has guilt.....it's the perfect storm!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best thing you can do is educate your self about infidelity. You will learn a lot about your self and learn about what your WW is getting her self into.
Knowledge is power.


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

What a mess.... I feel bad for you wife. You've just yo-yoed with her back and forth with your GF. 

Why can you not just pick one?? Its not cool to toy with ones emotions over and over. 
Maybe you need to be single... 

I would be depressed also.. it sounds like you are unhappy and trying to justify that with your marriage and affairs, but maybe you need to figure out whats REALLY making you unhappy and work on that. Maybe you don't really want the wife or gf.... If I was your wife, I wouldn't want you after you left and came back and left like that. Just being honest. 

I don't know if she's having a revenge affair or not, but I wouldn't be surprised... If you really do want to save your marriage, you need to get some counseling asap. Either way counseling will help figure out a lot of stuff.


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