# am I being irrational?



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Just past a year to the day of D my H attempted to cheat with a colleague, I'm sitting here waiting for him to come home, or message me.

He's been at a conference in our home town, wisely said he wouldn't stay over in the hotel as other colleagues are doing.
I know he's had a stressful day, up talking in front of hundreds which he hates, and under normal circumstances would understand he would want to let his hair down afterward. But these are not normal circumstances.

He said he would be home after the meal which was 3 hours ago. I messaged him 2 hours ago and he hasn't even read that message, let alone replied to it.

I'm trying to be cool and rational but i'm starting to get annoyed that he hasn't looked at his phone. he is meant to be making things right.

I figure situations such as these can help or hinder our R, depending on how he conducts himself. If he'd stayed for the meal and come home, great....if he has meal and starts to get comfortable and starts to drink then he isn't coming home, or he'll need a taxi....none of which was the plan.

Why do I feel let down?...and why can he not use these situations to help me heal and to let me know he's thinking about how i might be feeling and come home as soon as possible.

Next week he has to go away over night, so this isn't going well!
Whats the chances his phone is out of battery?

Am i being irrational under the circumstances?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My hubby was out of town for 4 days just over a year past D day at a work conference or something, and he went out to a meal with the people he was with, and the exact same thing happened. I freaked on him because this meal took 4 bloody hours. I don't know what board I was on at the time, but I posted, and the consensus was unanimous that dinners like that DO take that long.

We're over two years out and the thought of him going on business trips still totally freaks me out. I actually hyperventilate.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

If you call his phone and it goes right to voicemail without a ring, it COULD be a dead battery.

However, if he was changing plans at all - one little bit - he should've called you. Even with a dead phone, I'm sure someone has one he could borrow. 

You're not being irrational, but for your own sake, don't let your imagination run away with you.....


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Gemjo, let us know when and what you hear. In the meantime, breathe, relax, call or get together with a friend. Engage in a favorite pastime, read, whatever. 

This is not a way of life. Yes, in context the lack of contact is inconsiderate, inexcusable. But you cannot allow yourself to be driven to distraction every time your spouse is away. Either he will behave in a manner befitting or he will not. And either way you will know. And knowing you will have clarity and that will make the rest easier.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Yes, please do let us know what happened!


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Thank you so much for your support.

I phoned his phone, it went to answer phone, he came home right after i posted my message here, almost ran through the door, sober, worried and said he'd been thinking about me and the fact he couldn't contact me. He made his excuses and left the venue.

He showed me his phone, it ran out of power 3 hours earlier. I think he is realising the importance of the contact when he's away from me.

I told him the phone battery is a problem, as i'm not psychic i don't know he's on his way home. So this needs sorting out.

Next week he's away for the night, so I can only watch and wait and hope he keeps doing the right thing.

I know he's trying really hard to keep me sane, and he knows this is all his doing and his fault i feel so irrational. He seems to be trying hard to help me feel safe.

Things are good x


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stop saying you are feeling irrational, you're not. You are still dealing with everything. Your responses sure seem rational to me. WS out of contact, and you wonder what he's up to-given past behavior that is normal. I'm really glad he seems to understand and is trying hard to win your trust. Its just going to take as long as it takes.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Glad that everything came out ok. You are not irrational. If it makes you feel better, I am going to drive myself insane when FWH has his first overnight corporate event. To be honest I scared s***less. But thanks to your post I will give him a post it with I love you and please keep the phone charged.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

What is "D"?

I think what you need to do is wait until you have the information before you start worrying and creating stress for yourself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Drover said:


> What is "D"?
> 
> I think what you need to do is wait until you have the information before you start worrying and creating stress for yourself.



so much easier said than done after being betrayed. I freaked out over a surprise party being thrown for me post Dday so it's very common to trigger and get worked up over stuff like this


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Wife is gone all next week for a work event. Gone for work event was context in which affair arose. She lives for the sense of importance that work and work travel give. I know where you are.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

I know next week will be hard as H is away from home, and even though I do mostly trust him 'now' because he realises what he almost lost....it still triggers me.

Colleagues do have a habit of posting photos on facebook after these conferences, and they all seem to be having a great time...my H came home early, and straight after the meal, so not party to the drunken night after the 'hard day' but next week he'll be there over night as he has no choice.

I feel like if i keep checking his emails and FB account I can almost be a fly on his wall, i feel bad that I snoop, but it gives me some security and helps me continue to trust him.

To my knowledge he has never cheated whilst on a work conference, but when he's drunk, who knows what he is capable of.....infact i dont actually feel he is capable of cheating now, i'm more hung up with the what if's? in his past work nights away.....

Probably will be looking for support from TAM come Tuesday night!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Not suggesting this is anything sinister and this is a little off topic but is'nt this a huge lesson on how infidelity changes everything and how the perpetrators never even consider it.

Look at your behavior gemjo - look at how different this is to before all that shvt hit your fan

They really have no idea at all do they?


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## anotherone (Sep 19, 2012)

i get nervous when my wife walks to the barn to feed.... there is nothing rational about infidelity and its aftermath.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

gemjo said:


> I know next week will be hard as H is away from home, and even though I do mostly trust him 'now' because he realises what he almost lost....it still triggers me.
> 
> Colleagues do have a habit of posting photos on facebook after these conferences, and they all seem to be having a great time...my H came home early, and straight after the meal, so not party to the drunken night after the 'hard day' but next week he'll be there over night as he has no choice.
> 
> ...


Can you ask him not to drink while he is away????


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Not suggesting this is anything sinister and this is a little off topic but is'nt this a huge lesson on how infidelity changes everything and how the perpetrators never even consider it.
> 
> Look at your behavior gemjo - look at how different this is to before all that shvt hit your fan
> 
> They really have no idea at all do they?


I used to be the most trusting, innocent wife when my H went away with work...and he's been to some fantastic places on conferences...I've always been happy for him. Never demanding phone calls or text messages. In all honesty I've enjoyed the time apart.

I would get a quick call after the conference and before the meal starts, but that would be it until the next morning when he'd send a 'morning babe x' text message

It would annoy me, but not because i didn't trust him, but because he should have known it was the right thing to do when you're a H away from your W. Never been one for sitting wondering what he's doing, or who's he with....so this is hell for me now.

What I say now is, don't do anything you wouldn't openly do in front of me......i think that is a good guide....but if he drinks too much, and he doesn't very often get that opportunity, then I really don't know how he'd conduct himself.

He's just phoned again, he's off to the meal and drinks, so we'll see how tonight plays out with him keeping in contact.

Canttrustu, I have asked him not to get drunk, but i don't expect him not to drink. We'll see how that goes, it will be getting drunk that will have him forget to call and text me.

Thanks for the support.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

gemjo said:


> I used to be the most trusting, innocent wife when my H went away with work...and he's been to some fantastic places on conferences...I've always been happy for him. Never demanding phone calls or text messages. In all honesty I've enjoyed the time apart.


Changes everything, doesn't it? It changes us, not them. In ways that we would not ever have wanted to change, and change feels like damage. That is a shame.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Changes everything, doesn't it? It changes us, not them. In ways that we would not ever have wanted to change, and change feels like damage. That is a shame.


I'm changed forever, no longer the happy wife who believes I'm safe from my H cheating. He would be the last person on earth I would imagine cheating. he's so loving and supportive, such a good family man, always attentive and caring. But its all damaged now. I know forever, as long as I live that the man I chose to love, the man I trusted to never hurt me this way has hurt me in the worst possible way. He isn't the man i thought he was.

I'm cynical, i'm bitter, i'm suspicious and i'm a liar....all things i've never been up until this last year. Its such a shame.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Lyle Lovett - Once Is Enough - YouTube


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Lyle Lovett - Once Is Enough - YouTube


Do you trust your wife now?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

My expectations are re-set.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Lyle Lovett - Once Is Enough - YouTube


Yep, thats about right.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

So tonight is the night of his works conference. He's sent me umpteen txt messages and phoned me a couple of times.

He's playing by the book so far, so good.

I have asked him to send me a message when he's going to bed, not a pretend message at some appropriate time, but when he actually crawls into his room. he says he will, we will see.

I have asked quite nicely that he has control of himself and that he doesn't get drunk....i have pointed out some of his colleagues like to post photos on Face Book and I might see them. Have said to have a good evening, enjoy himself but don't get drunk!


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