# How to deal with been put down



## Kaylee219 (Sep 13, 2014)

My cousin and I were close while growing up. We both moved out of state (different states) for college then moved back home after college. Ever since I moved back, she has constantly try to put me down or to prove that she is better than me. For example.

Scenario 1
At a bridal shower.
Her: where did you get that diva dress?
Me: I am not sure what you mean by diva dress but I got it from Ann Taylor store.
Her: it's a nice dress but it would probably look better on a taller girl


Scenario 2
At her house with her in-laws around.

Her mother in law to me: so what do you do for a living.
Me: I am an engineer
My cousin: Kay surprised everybody by going to college and actually graduating.

I was shocked by her response and did not say anything. To give a little credit. Most people were surprised that I went to college much less graduate with an engineering degree.

Scenario 3.
Me: what can I help you with for your upcoming wedding?
Her: nothing
Me: is your little boy going to be a ring bearer ?
Her (with a laugh): people don't do that anymore. That's so old fashioned.

I know this is all petty stuff but I just need help with how to deal with her. It's getting to a point where I don't want to be around her anymore. About 30% of the conversions we have are like that so it's becoming exhausting. I have mentioned it to her and she has scaled down but she is still doing it. Any ideas of how I can deal with her?


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Yes... you can stop being around her. Apart from going to her wedding soon, i would avoid all contact.
And seriously, who gives a fvck if no one expected you to graduate college? YOU did it. YOU should be proud. 
My thoughts are that you don't need to be worrying about your cousin as much as you need to be building up your own self worth.
Sorry she is being a b1tch but really.... either avoid her altogether and if you can't, then every time she says anything nasty to you tell her right then and there that was not a fair or nice thing to say.
You have a right to feel how you do when she says those things to you, don't let her minimize it.


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## Kaylee219 (Sep 13, 2014)

Thanks Kylie, I will take your advise to avoid her but I can't completely avoid her. As far as telling her right then, I am usually caught off guard and can't think of what to say in a hurry. Later on I always think of what I should have said.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I know it can be tough as i am usually the same as you in that way- always think of something to snap back with later on.
But it you put it out there right away just with a "that wasn't nice why say that?" comment then you don't have to think of anything snappy or witty, you are turning the platform back to her. How can she possibly back up such b1tchy comments without looking like a fool in front of others?
She sounds like your classic bully. Please don't let her get away with it again xo


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I've met people who are this way with everyone,as they're not often taken to task for it. Unless you speak up and let her know it doesn't fly with you she may be oblivious to her own lack of tact.


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## ShadowBunny (Mar 9, 2011)

Practice this line: "What an odd thing to say!!". Practice it until it's second nature, with an inflection of "I can't believe you'd say something so rude. " And then use it freely with her whenever she says something rude. It would work in every situation you cited above. And it's not confrontational.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What does you cousin do for a living. What it sounds like to me is a bit of sour grapes.

IMO, if she keeps up with the wise ass remarks, then let her know that if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head then take it someplace else.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It sounds like she's jealous or insecure. She has to put you down to shore herself up. 

Growing up did you take a backseat to her? Was she the one who got the attention? 

I'm wondering if she thinks you've surpassed her somehow and is unhappy with that. Not that she'd be right to make the comments she does.

You can call her on it in the moment. You can give her puzzled look .."why would you say that?" or "what do you mean?"....and see what she comes up with. She might do the "oh I was just joking..can't you take a joke?..don't be so sensitive" retort. But if you call her on it often enough, she might stop and if she doesn't, well you have your answer about whether you really should maintain a close relationship with her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wouldn't be letting it go either. I would look her square in the eye and say "Do you have to practise being so rude or does it come naturally to you?" 

Practise that line over and over until it becomes second nature to you.

Then when she comes back with the "Geez I was only joking" bs say "Yes, bullies often try to pass off their insults as jokes".

Sounds like she's jealous of you...sad really, lol.


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## Kaylee219 (Sep 13, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> It sounds like she's jealous or insecure. She has to put you down to shore herself up.
> 
> Growing up did you take a backseat to her? Was she the one who got the attention?
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for your advise. You bring up a good point about her being insecure. Growing up she was the better dressed one because her parents could afford nice clothes for her. Now I can afford it too. I sucks because when we were kids we were so close, we were like sisters.


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## Kaylee219 (Sep 13, 2014)

6301 said:


> What does you cousin do for a living. What it sounds like to me is a bit of sour grapes.
> 
> IMO, if she keeps up with the wise ass remarks, then let her know that if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head then take it someplace else.


Thanks for you advise.

To answer your question about what she does for a living. She has always wanted to be a physician. She started college in the pre-med track then changed to engineering but ended up graduating with a bachelors in biology and now she works at a local hospital as a lab tech. She did really well in high school pretty much everybody expected her to be a doctor. I on the hand did not do very well in high school but when went to college found myself surrounded by a bunch of good people. I studied hard and joined professional organizations and really just excelled in school. After I graduated i got a great job.


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## Kaylee219 (Sep 13, 2014)

I would like to thank everybody who took their time to respond to my question. I have taken all your thoughts into consideration and also taking into account that she is (or was ) like a sister to me. I have decided that talk to her over coffee and let her know that I do not appreciate her always putting me down. Hopefully she will see things for my point of view. If she continues then I will just cut her out of my life. 
Thank you so much everybody. I really appreciate your support.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You could always use my standard response when caught off guard and tongue tied. It's easy to remember, just two words.
Quote : "F*ck you!"


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Kaylee219 said:


> Thanks for you advise.
> 
> To answer your question about what she does for a living. She has always wanted to be a physician. She started college in the pre-med track then changed to engineering but ended up graduating with a bachelors in biology and now she works at a local hospital as a lab tech. She did really well in high school pretty much everybody expected her to be a doctor. I on the hand did not do very well in high school but when went to college found myself surrounded by a bunch of good people. I studied hard and joined professional organizations and really just excelled in school. After I graduated i got a great job.


 Well, there it is. She was supposed to set the world on fire and you were expected to strike a match and then the tables turned.

No doubt it's hard to swallow humble pie so in order to make herself look good is to throw the digs at you.

My advice? Just do what you have been doing and take pride that your on the fast track. You earned it and don't let her take it away from you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

wow... nasty...

back handed digs are the WORST.. because they are "veiled" enough to fly "just" under the radar enough where most people will not confront on the spot. But confront on the spot you must. And here would be my approach... Look her SQUARE in her eyeballs with a calm but very assertive voice...

"I expect better out of you... next time we see each other, I will be looking for the change from bitterness to kindness and if you cannot accomplish that by the next time I see you, don't speak to me or about me, thank you... ." 

And dont say another word... leave strong and no apologies...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You have to start standing up for yourself if you ever want anything to change. Personally, I would avoid the heart to heart, I think it'll just bring out all the resentment bubbling away inside of her and your heart to heart will turn into a **** storm.

Start expecting her to be nasty and you'll be more prepared when she is. EXPECT IT. The only reason you can't think of anything to say is because she's taking you by surprise. Shed your cloak of disillusionment, your cousin is a rude, nasty piece of work, accept it. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, you are going to have to:

1) grow a thicker skin
2) start standing up for yourself
3) don't turn into her, but don't be afraid to give her back what she's doling out. Always do it in response, when she deserves it, never do it underhanded like she is

If you don't have what it takes to interact with such a person, then accept that distance is the better option. I had people like this around me all the time. I know what they are like. They don't change. Doing the talk from the heart is just a great way to show weakness to them. Good luck dealing with a person like this when they think you're a weakling, because you'll need it.

Edited to add: An example of me in my late teens, with a 'friend' who I had the misfortune to make who I no longer associate with. These interactions happened often:

Her: "Your bra has two clips? You're still in training bras. Ha ha ha"
Me: "I may be small but at least I won't have boobs drooping to my belly button by the time I'm 30"
Her: nothing, she shut the hell up

I had to learn to fight back. Being a quiet timid little mouse only made it worse.

P.S. Another thing that will help you, OWN IT, own everything about you, especially your flaws. People thought you wouldn't make it through college, yeah, just shows that they didn't know you as well as they thought they did. That dress might look better on a taller person, who cares, I'm sure every bit of clothing every one wears could look better on someone else. There's always someone prettier, someone smarter, someone stronger.


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