# It is over....I think



## NewportNews (Feb 25, 2014)

My fiancee and I will have been together for 5 years in 2 weeks. She will turn 34 a few weeks after that. We have a 2 1/2 year old son and a shared mortgage. Last Saturday she told me she needed a night away and went to her parents to stay, she came back the next day and when I got home from work again said she needs more time and stayed at her parents. The next night she came home and she told me she hasn't been happy for a long time and she wants to not be in a relationship for a while because she has been in one her entire life. We have fought a lout over the last few months but nothing major just small things. I asked why end it and not work on it and she replied I just want to be by myself and share our son for now, I need time. So I gave her time she stayed at her parents and when we talked she would say things like we could have dinner the following day - so I put together romantic dinner and she would come over and say I'm no hungry I'm going to just grab stuff and go to my moms. Saturday Night she text me and said I'm going to a party and I'm spending the night there, your mom is going to watch (our child) - I because I wanted to get back together said have fun can we go out Sunday and she replied probably. Sunday comes and I text her and she says "I don't think I'm ready to hangout yet, I just want to enjoy time with my friends" 

So as I lay crying she went out and stayed the night at a female co-workers and got drunk. I believe she is telling her parents that she is working on our relationship and is staying at our house some nights so she can go out and party. I talked to her parents and her parents believe we are trying - but really I am trying hard, I am taking blame, I am offering counseling, everything and all she can say is "I don't know what I want but there is hope for us" as going out and hanging out with old friends. 

Today I see last night she took cash out of our checking account, she NEVER has used cash in the past we always use our card and when I called and asked her she said she took it out in case she needed money for anything - which is of course a lie. 

Today she text me things like "I love you, I've always loved you, I'm sorry, I don't know, I just don't know" and "I don't want to loose you, but its unfair of me to ask you to wait on me" she has shown no emotion at all the last few days which is unlike her and our talks have not been fights. 

This is some strange person, I believe she might be going through a mid-life crisis and I believe she needs help - I am pretty sure she is indeed cheating on me. I believe she was trying to string me along until she saw if whatever she has been up to for this week works out or not. After 5 years and a child she didn't even have the respect to give me closure she just kept saying "I don't know" so tonight I said it was over if she could not at least agree to counseling while apart and she said no but she didn't want to break up but didn't want to stay together...so I ended it for my own health.

I'm worried about her. I know she is going to go out and have fun and find that old life but after a while that life is going to get old - I will not take her back - but I'm wondering if anyone has seen such behavior and is there anything I can suggest for her to help. I love her, she is a great mother - but its like all she cares about now is herself and going out - obviously me and her are done but I'd like to help her before she makes a million stupid mistakes or one night stands she will regret. 

Sorry for the long post. A lot.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Dude, I think she's running around on you. 

She's speaking and acting from the standard cheater script - acts 1 through 3.

Something for you to investigate. Unlikely she will tell you the truth if directly asked. I recommend you read the coping with infidelity (CWI) threads here at TAM to get a feel for how to handle this.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

helolover said:


> Dude, I think she's running around on you.
> 
> She's speaking and acting from the standard cheater script - acts 1 through 3.
> 
> Something for you to investigate. Unlikely she will tell you the truth if directly asked. I recommend you read the coping with infidelity (CWI) threads here at TAM to get a feel for how to handle this.


:iagree:

She is probably fooling around. Check her cell records and see if she is texting anyone frequently. Does she support herself. Do not allow her to cake eat anymore. Where is your child staying?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Under no circumstances should you marry her.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

helolover said:


> Dude, I think she's running around on you.
> 
> She's speaking and acting from the standard cheater script - acts 1 through 3.
> 
> Something for you to investigate. Unlikely she will tell you the truth if directly asked. I recommend you read the coping with infidelity (CWI) threads here at TAM to get a feel for how to handle this.





> She is probably fooling around. Check her cell records and see if she is texting anyone frequently. Does she support herself. Do not allow her to cake eat anymore. Where is your child staying?


:iagree: also, that makes three of us. As soon as I read it, within the first paragraph, the cheaters behaviour was obvious to me.

As helolover said, it's classic cheater behaviour. I'd be extremely cautious and believe nothing you hear, and less than half of what you see.

Ignore her words, focus on her actions. She may text you saying "I love you" or "I want to have dinner with you" - but her actions don't back that up.



> Under no circumstances should you marry her.


Best piece of advice on this thread so far.

I married a woman who had a "fling" with another man during our engagement. She may break it off with him and come back to you, like mine did, but it will NOT be permanent. It will happen again, it's just a matter of time. Do not make the same mistake I did and legally tie yourself to a woman like this.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Consider yourself lucky. She unmasked herself BEFORE you married her. 

And on the outside chance she's not cheating, would you want to marry her now? Sounds like she wants to be single. Give her what she wants.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Like everyone said, and as hard as this time is for you, consider yourself lucky you are not married to her. She sounds like an irresponsible, self centered cheater and is trying to string you along.

Focus on yourself and your child not this person who is making choices that decent people don't make.

There are different reasons why people cheat but I will say, as someone who has never cheated, there's a line drawn and it's clear. There are times when you know there's an opportunity to cheat, you either do what's right or you do what's wrong. When someone decides to do wrong, cheat, that's not the type of person you ever want to put a ring on in my opinion.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

oviid said:


> Like everyone said, and as hard as this time is for you, consider yourself lucky you are not married to her. She sounds like an irresponsible, self centered cheater and is trying to string you along.
> 
> Focus on yourself and your child not this person who is making choices that decent people don't make.
> 
> There are different reasons why people cheat but I will say, as someone who has never cheated, there's a line drawn and it's clear. There are times when you know there's an opportunity to cheat, you either do what's right or you do what's wrong. When someone decides to do wrong, cheat, that's not the type of person you ever want to put a ring on in my opinion.


It's worse than that.

Inevitably, when you catch the cheater "dead to rights" and you have proof, they will attempt to blameshift responsibility for their cheating onto something YOU did (or did not do).

They grab the victim chair and use it to rationalize acting in morally reprehensible ways.

I'm sure this won't be the first time you've seen that particular dynamic.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

NN, you are absolutely right, this girl is deep in the fog of an affair. I wish that I would have a dollar for every time that I have heard this story, though usually after folks have married. Unfortunately, right now there is nothing that you can say or do to turn her around at this time. Conrad is right you don't want to marry this girl, she is not a keeper. 

Recommend that you set up a visitation agreement and have her sign. Also you need to get her off of the mortgage. Now is the time to do these things as she is so far in the fog, you should pretty much get your way. Box up her stuff and put it in a room for her to retrieve. Stop all contact other than legal or visitation issues. She is no longer your friend, buddy or pal, she didn't even have the courtesy to be honest with you.

This will not be easy and your emotion will be a roller coaster of feelings. Exercise with help with the stress, spend lots of fun time with son, as both of you will need to support from each other. Hobbies can also be a great distraction and help to meet new people. It won't be easy, but there is a brave new world out there.


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## NewportNews (Feb 25, 2014)

Thank you everyone. I wanted to do an update. Today I went into our online phone account and went through the usage and found a number she had called and text 20x in the last 2 days - I called her at work and she acted like she had no clue what that number was you could hear her voice change. She finally said it was a friend she met at work, a customer, who she has been talking to and hanging out with but nothing has happened. I told her to meet me at our house for a face to face - I put a picture of our child on the table and said look at him you swore on his life there was no other guy - you would rather have this other guy then see your child everyday of your life. She sat emotion less - she kept saying nothing happened - they are just friends. Finally she let up on saying that after I said I deserve more then these lies. I told her she has this week to get everything out and unless it involves our child to never talk to me again. I can't believe this. She kept saying even tonight that she just didn't know if she wanted to come back home or go out on her own - like there was even an option. I was so blinded by wanting our child to have the perfect life I didn't even notice or I put up with the signs.

She left and text me a few minutes later saying "I'm sorry. I really am. I do love you and our child. I'm just a F'ed up pile of sh*t. sorry" like I was supposed to feel sorry for her. I then look on our phone usage again and 1 minute before sending me that I'm sorry text she sent a text to the man she is cheating on me with.

The worst part is she left me here for 9 days taking all the blame telling everyone I know how wrong I was when I didn't even know what I did. She left me here crying while she was out spending the night getting drunk with another guy. How does a good mom turn into this? 

I am now afraid she is abusing drugs or something else - she is hanging out when her friend who is a known pill addict and lives in public housing and is losing her daughter because of her addiction. Other then this guy that is the only other person she is communicating with. Although she deleted all of her text messages from both the guy and her friend there were a few left in the sent folder she did not see. One said "Im sorry I passed out last night, can't hang like I used to, can't wait to see you again" so surreal. 

I have to go talk to her parents tmrw and I am going to tell them everything - they are great people and my fiancee had no problem with me pouring my heart out to them when I thought it was my fault. I want them to know their daughter has gone back to her old ways and that if she goes out at night on nights she has our child to call me so I can come get our child - and to in no way ever allow our child to go out with her at night as she can not be trusted right now as she is another person.

She has had 3 DUI's in her life sadly I see a 4th one coming if not worse. She told me earlier this week that she didn't care about her own happiness only her child's - she swore on her child's life there was no other guy... all this is things she has to live with not me. She needs help. She was always a great mom but now I'm afraid that moment when she gets her own apartment and it is just them - how do I know she wont be partying or having different men over every night. THat is the worst part.

We also have a joint bank account that needs divided before she does something stupid. 

Thanks guys for giving me that push to look further. I wish I knew who this guy was..I doubt that name is even real - all I have is his cell number. I sent him a text saying that this is her fiancee, child's father and that i hope he is having a great time with her.

Outside of all the worry about my child - I think this helped lift a weight off of me though. I want everyone to know what she did to me too, I sat for 9 days hating myself while she partied. That is the worst part. She had so many chances to tell me but she continued to let me blame myself.

Should I try and get temporary custody until she straightens out or gets help? I truly am nervous about her taking him around that scene of people or drinking and driving. 

My family has bought 99 percent of the things my child has and I told her that will continue and we need even time with our child and all along the way she agreed but now who knows since I know what she has done. I'm sure she is going to try and get child support even though my mom watches our son while we work for free and again my family and I buy everything. I don't know if I could afford the mortgage plus child support that is what is bad - if it were not for a child - I would quickly be over this. But we are bound for 16 more years sadly.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I'd have to agree with many of the other posts above - she's seeing someone else. I believe she chose to withdraw cash from the ATM account so the withdraw and the location of the withdraw wouldn't show up on the bank statement. She was probably out with the OM and needed some cash and didn't want to leave behind any clues to tip you off. I think her indecisiveness regarding you relationship revolves around the newness of the relationship she is getting into. The more the OM takes her bait and makes her feel comfortable the more she will withdraw from you.


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> *Consider yourself lucky. She unmasked herself BEFORE you married her.
> 
> And on the outside chance she's not cheating, would you want to marry her now?* Sounds like she wants to be single. Give her what she wants.


*This!*^


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## NewportNews (Feb 25, 2014)

Not sure what happened to my reply. But I looked at our phone records and found a number she called over and over and text over and over and confronted her about that number and she acted like she had no idea what that number was. I told her to come to our house for a face to face and she did and said it was someone she met at work that she is friends with and has been hanging out with. While I lay at home thinking it was my fault trying to fix everything she was out partying with a guy. She swore on our sons life there was no other man. She sat there and said we will see if we can try again as she went out with another man. We have a 2 year old. That means nothing I guess.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Get YOUR money into YOUR own bank account, yesterday or it will be gone!

Do the 180, no contact, move on with your life assuming she is gone.

You'll be amazed at what happens next!

Stretch


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