# Not sure what to do



## jibry (Aug 7, 2014)

Husband of 7 years divorcing me. He stated he isn't getting what he wants out of the marriage. Attempted marriage counseling and he refused. The divorce is going to happen no doubt and I'm through trying to figure out why all of this has happened or how it go to this point mainly because I can't waste time on that now. I want this just to end and be done. I'm sort of relieved in a small way. We have no kids fortunately. We are living together for a short while longer because I have no where to go right now and he can't get into a new place for another few months. I am not asking for anything but MY car that I paid for and is in my name and my dogs. That is it. No furniture, electronics, clothes (even MINE), nothing. My car so I can get to/from work and my dogs simply because I have no children and they are all I have.

I have no savings and nothing I can sell for money. My STBX makes far more than I do. My job was always a "just to have extra" kind of a job. I have 4 months to completely change what I have known for 7 years. I am working as much as I can to save up but I am terrified I won't be able to make it on my own (I have never in my entire life lived alone. I went from living with my parents to living with him). Our lease ends and I will not be able to keep it up. I cannot afford to stay in the location I am in so I am looking to move back to my hometown which is 14 hours away. Which a move that big also scares me.

I, literally, have no support in all of this. My parents are not doing so well health wise and one is in a nursing home. I have one friend that I talk to on facebook but that is it. All of our mutual friends have been eradicated for me as I've been painted as a monster to all of them by him and he has painted himself as this strong survivor that everyone should look up to. (I have been researching and he displays many narcissistic tendencies and all of the articles I've read on divorcing a narcissist are right up my alley). One that pains me the most is a friend I've had for 13-14 years. He just met her last year when she came to visit me since we finally lived close to each other and he has "stolen" her for lack of a better term. When this all started he asked about her like she was property we were dividing up property and I begged him to leave her alone. But he didn't and still won't. I've been trying to fix things with her and now she won't even talk to me?

Another thing that is making this all so difficult is he finds every single opportunity he has to tell me about how easy this all is for him and to make me feel terrible. Oh he has an apartment all lined up! His job is going fantastically! I'm going on vacation! I hear nonstop how this is all my fault any time I am sad or express how scared I am. He tells me all the time my former best friend wants nothing to do with me. And he always tells me that his friends think he's so great for helping me as much as he is and they'd just leave me homeless, etc. Just today he made it a point to tell me "Even our landlord thinks you won't be out by the move in date and she'll have to call the cops and get you evicted". I said to him "WTF? Why do I need to be hearing this? I am not scared enough as it is?" Of course my tone was angry and I was starting to cry and he said well if you want to be a b**ch I will get a lawyer, take you to court you and I'll just break the lease, move out this week and you'll have to make it on your own". I did say "Good luck with the court part. I have nothing which is exactly what you'll get" and then I shut my mouth and just cried.

Even being a jerk through all of this I am heartbroken to not have him in my life anymore and how easy this all seems to him. He is already on match.com and trying to get his friends to hook him up with someone. I can't see myself being with anyone for a long time just because I still love him and need time to heal from all of this. Being tossed aside like yesterday's garbage is not good for someone's self-esteem let me tell ya. When we got together he was nothing like this. I thought he loved me at one point but now it feels like he has no more use for me so bye-bye.

I am terrified about all of this. The stress cannot be properly measured and I have the self-esteem of toilet paper. It's taking a horrifying toll on me. I've lost 35 pounds in less than a month. I have no where to turn for emotion or financial support. To top it all off I can't even get therapy right now. I was dropped off of his health insurance 2 months ago for failure to verify dependency and a) my job's sign up for health insurance isn't until November and b) I surely can't afford it now.

I am just not sure how to cope and I am not sure I can get through this. Just looking for any tips, pointers or help anyone can give.

Brie


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

As much as you want it to be over and done with, make sure you get your share of the marital assets. There are lots of reasons to just ask for a few things and let him have the rest, but none of them serve you well at all... you will need money after he's gone and you deserve this.

Also, talk to a lawyer (they give free consultations) and get an idea where you stand. No one here will be able to help with this part, so use the free consultation to your advantage.

If you've accepted the divorce as inevitable and have no kids, stop talking to your hubby unless it is business related. He's moving on, so should you.

You WILL be able to make it on your own. You've never given yourself the chance yet, but you will do just fine even if it doesn't feel that way right now. You will find a part of you that you didn't know was there!

Good luck.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You are entitled to half your marital assets, regardless of who made more money. Why not use some of that "stuff" to help yourself financially? Have you talked to a lawyer? Investigated whether you'd be entitled to spousal support to get you on your feet?

To me, you first goal should be taking care of yourself mentally and physically. Best thing would be to get away from him so you don't have to listen to his drivel. Second best is just staying away from him and refusing to engage in conversations with him. Look up the "180" in here. It will help you separate yourself from him. 

Next, work on your self-sufficiency. Figure out what you need to do. College? Better job? Roommate? 

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Stop being scared of him. There is nothing else he can do to you beyond what you are now seeing and afraid of. Now he should become just a little bit afraid of you making this painful in court.

If he makes so much more money than you, through mutual agreement during your marriage, the assets you built together (savings, retirement?) have your name on them to and you are entitled to some of it. This will make him nervous to realize; he doesn't want to give you any of it. 

Furthermore, the courts do not want you to become dependent on the state to live (welfare), so they will insist on him paying you to at least get your life re-started. This, too, will make him nervous because he doesn't think he has to give you anything.

Do not verbally give in to anything. Keep what is yours, even if you throw it out or leave it behind. There is no reason to do so in a fit of anger or hurt. Throwing your hands up and saying "go ahead, take everything" does you no good. Why buy new furniture if you could have half of what's in the house today? And think seriously about keeping dogs if you're going to be very strapped for money.

So when he is mean in speaking to you, calmly explain you need to take it through your lawyer (which, btw, should get paid for with marital assets). Watch his face, but don't discuss it further with him. And definitely see that lawyer! Get a free consultation, they will tell you where you stand.

Good luck to you, this is going to be hard, so start standing up for yourself.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Go to an attorney. 
You haven't signed anything have you?
Look into spousal support, even temporary support. This is exactly why spousal support laws exist, so one financially solvent party can't throw the other financial insolvent party out on the street in a divorce. A seven year marriage earns the right to some temporary support.

And as for the why's. well you may never know and the not knowing is what you will have to make peace with.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Sweetheart - I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through. I know that you want this to be "over with" but you will feel differently in 3 to 6 months. Your husband is making his choice and, unfortunately, it affects you deeply. There is nothing to lose by consulting with a lawyer. There are laws in place for just such a case. Your entire life is being turned upside down because of his choice. Money could be very helpful to you as you relocate.

Why are you subjecting yourself to the torture of being in the same apartment with him? I know that finances are very tight but there are things that can be done. I know that you feel very alone right now but continuing to cry in front of him is going to be very counterproductive. The lease is in his name - there has to be a room somewhere available that you can rent. 

In any event, finding a support group of some kind is essential. I went through something similar and know firsthand that isolation is a killer. If you would be interested in speaking with a licensed counselor at no cost to you, please send me a private message. This is made available through a Christian ministry. It could be very helpful. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Don't be a martyr.

Get the financial support you are entitled to and start focusing on yourself.

You can do it! We all did.

Stretch


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stop being scared, first of all. Find your anger at his atrocious treatment of you.

You are entitled to HALF of everything acquired during the marriage. That includes, savings, anything in checking right now, his 401-K, investments, etc.

Do NOT sign any bullish*t agreement that he presents.

Get an attorney, find out your rights under the law. With seven years of marriage and no real earnings of your own, you will likely get SOME (albeit very short-term) spousal support.

And for God's sake, quit letting him bait you, quit listening to his horsesh*t about what his friends say, what the landlord says, etc. He's probably making it all up just to make you feel worse. He knows which buttons to push, and YOU ARE LETTING HIM PUSH THEM.

Finally, take everything you can from the house, especially the things that belong to you. You can sell things for cash.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 
Download , Jeff Lander 
Divorce: Think Financially, not Emotionally

What women need to know about securing the their financial future before, during, and after divorce. 

Financial Aspects Of Divorce For Women | Info From Top Divorce Experts
~ sammy


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, are you still around?


----------

