# LD wife wants to be sexually engaged



## StupidWife (Jul 21, 2013)

I need help. I am 30 years old Asian female. My husband is American. He has high sex drive. I have low sex drive. He is the greatest thing happened in my life.

A few weeks ago, he told me that he has high sex drive and I cannot make him sexually satisfied. I had been depressed and was rejecting his sex a while that point. Our sex life wasn't great to start with. Him being the high drive guy, I see why he had to tell me that. It was killing him and he is looking out.

Reading other postings in this forum made me realize how important sex life in marriage was. My husband tried to tell me multiple times and I didn't hear him then (I heard him but I didn't realize the seriousness). I feel terrible that I didn't realize it sooner. It may sound stupid, but I am from a country that suffers with lowest birth rate. One research I read about sex showed once a month is considered a lot there. I was raised that being sexual is not a good thing.

Now seeing how important intimate sexual relationship with your partner is, I want to be as sexual as I can be. If that is not enough for my husband, I will have to let him go. But I want to try. I want him. I find him sexually attractive. 

He was my first guy I have ever been with. I felt being sexual or seemed horny was embarrassing. I thought women should be reserved and don't be so sexual, don't ask for sex. At my Dr's visit, I was told that many female struggles with image of being sexual but it is okay to be a bad girl in bed. I want to make this wonderful part of our connection. I want to enjoy it, explore with him and have fun.

Since my husband has been rejected by me so many times, he said he does not want to initiate any more. He will always feel that what I try to do are guilty sex. I understand that and I feel terrible about that. But I want him to know that I want him. I still feel shy about it but I am excited to explore new side of myself. I hope that he will forgive me and be able to see me again without doubting me, but I don't know if it will happen.

Any advice is much appreciated. Help me please.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't know if it is true or not, but I have heard the moremyoundo it, the more you will enjoy it. Ask him what he likes. If it is not painful, or overly degrading go for it with gusto, even if you have to fake it. Good luck. You have already taken the first positive step in acknowledging you have a problem and wanting to fix it. You may want to see a sex therapist. Please know there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex with your spouse. God created sex to be enjoyed. He created it for procreation and for a way for a husband and wife to become one thru bonding.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Most important thing is you are deciding to change. Take the initiative with him. Wear sexy stuff around the house walk in the room his in naked go jump his bones. Men are easy for the most part just about anything sexy will get us going
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Tell him what you wrote.... or show him that post. We all just want to be WANTED. He may not believe it at first.... and think you are faking it to keep him happy. Just keep it up, and SHOW him.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I just wanted to say I think this is great and good for you! There are many women who are happy to let their husbands feel rejected.

Perhaps you could start by asking your husband what kinds of things he might want to try. You can start on a positive note - what are things he thinks are good, what do you already feels good that he likes, etc. 

We are lucky to live with so much information available. You can read about certain techniques or things he might mention. 

If it is difficult for you to physically initiate perhaps you could start by telling him that you would like to have sex that evening - and then be sure to follow through of course! He would also probably love to know some things that you would like to do or any fantasies you might have.

This is one important thing I have learned from this board. Men very much want much want for us to enjoy sex with them. It is more important than them just having an orgasm. They need to know we love how they make us feel.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Oh, and you should not call yourself stupidwife! Be nice to yourself. You should change your name to SexyWife!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I only wish I *got it* earlier in MY marriage also... women have much less testosterone over men in their younger years, they do not reach their "PRIME " sexually until their late 30's -early 40's generally if no meds interfere with their hormones.... and MEN are in their PRIME Sexually in their younger years...it is almost like GOD did a cruel Joke on us all by doing this... 

The best thing is for each partner to sympathize and do all they can to please and pleasure them as this will lift you both up..sweet intimacy will grow. It hurts your husband very much to be rejected by you sexually...it cuts to his core as a man and husband. 

I always loved sex, no feeling on earth could compare to getting lost in foreplay and orgasms.. I just didn't NEED it/ crave it as much as my husband....another "stupid wife " here....the urgency MEN feel in ....we don't "get it" ...this need to be connected / entangled...giving us wives pleasure brings our men great pleasure too ....this makes them feel greatly loved, wanted ...and brings them to the heights with their lady..

That 's wonderful you are still attracted to him... this is the GLUE... Your mindset CAN change dear lady... .(and do change your name - when you get a chance- just ask a Mod here -if you hang around)...

Although I would never call myself Low Drive, I would say I was mentally repressed in some areas ...I struggled with feeling certain acts were DIRTY, too "BAD GIRL", it was a war in my mind... and I needed to overcome this.... 

For 2 peices of inspiration...read my thread on my awakening experience... now Mind you, this hit me in Mid life... but My goodness did I ever want to go back in time and relive those years where I just didn't "get it"...don't make the mistakes I did !! Love when wives come here and realize at a younger age, alerting themselves to the needs of their husbands.. ... I wish I had a female mentor who talked to me and explained these things... 


This will explain how deeply men feel >> 

 Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband

And compliments of ThreeTimesAlady who wrote this 



> *Sex is* desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for.* Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex is* waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is* finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is* turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. *Love is* having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is* being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. *Love is* being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you .* Love is* the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is* being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

StupidWife said:


> I need help. I am 30 years old Asian female. My husband is American. He has high sex drive. I have low sex drive. He is the greatest thing happened in my life.
> 
> A few weeks ago, he told me that he has high sex drive and *I cannot make him sexually satisfied*. I had been depressed and was rejecting his sex a while that point. Our sex life wasn't great to start with. Him being the high drive guy, I see why he had to tell me that. It was killing him and he is looking out.


My wife is MD (Medium Desire). She was VERY LD. I sure as hell would not told her she cannot satisfy me sexually. Now you're depressed and probably feeling like a failure or a bad wife. Sounds like you need confidence in your sexual ability. You can only do your part, if he is going to feed you this kind of unsupportive talk then he is to blame. After all... YOU are here and looking for answers. Not him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *StupidWife said*: One research I read about sex showed *once a month is considered a lot there.* *I was raised that being sexual is not a good thing*.


How far off is *your* sex drive and* his* ?? ....as you mentioned above in your country engaging just once a month is NORMAL...or "a lot" [email protected]#$% Over here that would be very close to being considered a Sexless marriage... 10 or less times a year is considered sexless...and many men would have a great amount of resentment being built up, with temptation being harder to resist outside the marriage to boot. 

Is his High drive once a day, 3 times a week... what would it take to satisfy him- has he expressed this to you? 

Is he abusive in any way? 

My husband never made me feel like I couldn't satisfy him, he was very loving.. but he allowed himself to take that pain and longing.... instead of talking to me about his needs...looking back, I would have preferred him showing some ANGER over that... .....so I was alerted ..and could have taken some action.. just as YOU are doing here.. Instead he allowed a silent resentment to spring in him... 

You don't want this either.. some men go too far badgering and making their wives fell LESS (which seems to be what Accipiter777 is suspecting of your husband), then some are too lenient and just back away...not even opening up the subject... somewhere in the middle of this, with both caring and compromising *is* the answer .... 


There is a book that can help you with your differing Libido types.... in understanding each other...and finding that compromise.... 









When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 







...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...

*There are 10 libido types*:

*1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.

*2*. *Erotic*- enjoys frequent sexual touch, such as fondling the breasts, patting the bottom, stroking the genitals, as well as prolonged & exciting sex. You are likely to interpret a partners failure to initiate any of these activities or to respond positively to mean either (1) there is something wrong with the relationship or (2) your partner. You crave passion, excitement & variety to feel that your relationship is vibrant & sustainable.

*3*. *Compulsive*- You find it difficult to be aroused and enjoy sex unless It involves a special object or situation. Sex is more about satisfying your inner needs that have arisen from increasing physical tension & mental preoccupation. If you are able to maintain a separate sexual relationship with your partner in which the paraphilia plays only a minor role, then partnered sex can be about emotional intimacy between you.

*4*. *Dependent*- regular sexual release is necessary to maintain a sense of calmness & well being...Without this, other aspects of your life are put under pressure.. if the need is met often enough, you feel loved / a shared enjoyment. If your partner is unwilling at the frequency you require, you interpret this to mean that you are unloved/ unimportant in your partners priorities - regardless of anything they may say or do to reassure you.

*5*. *Stressed*- I feel sexual desire..but I avoid sex because I worry I can't please my partner. You experience considerable regret when you recall your previous periods of having a good physical sex drive & reliable response. You want sex to be an expression of committed love & affection.... but your feelings of failure & inadequacy currently overwhelm this. Sex has come to mean "fear" of letting your partner down or possible rejection.

*6*. *Disinterested*- I don't think It would bother me if I never had sex again...Whether this is a result of stress or just not holding an important place in the relationship. You can't understand why your partner needs sex ...Sex achieves meaning for you only through what it means to your partner. 
If your partner is happy with infrequent sex , you may occasionally have sex as an afterthought to emotional intimacy... but if infrequent sex becomes an issue for your partner, sex for you becomes an OBLIGATION to maintain the relationship.... You may find your partners focus on sex offensive to mean you are only valuable in the relationship if you are providing sex. 

*7*. *Detached* - I'm not worried about sex; it's just easier to relieve sexual frustration with masturbation. Under good circumstances sex is an expression of intimacy/ commitment but having other competing demands such as work obligations /being in a troubled relationship diminishes it's importance, it can come to mean a distracting burden. Chances are you was a different Libido type who enjoyed partnered sex... then something changed.

*8*. *Addictive*- I find it difficult to resist sex with other partners despite being in a long term relationship. 2 schools of thought...one is the Addictives pursue their interests because of low self esteem & the other is because of high self esteem -they believe they are great lovers , either way... your activities/affairs appears to be an affirmation of your sexual attractiveness & abilities.

*9*. *Entitled*- you believe you are entitled to get the sex life you want & you tend to interpret your partner as being unreasonable & punishing for not conducting your sexual relationship on your terms. ...if you are being denied, you feel your partner is controlling your sex life..and this leads to resentment.

*10*. *Reactive*- my sexual satisfaction only comes from pleasing my partner. Sex has several meanings..depending on which subtype you fall under....it can mean expressing love & commitment & making the relationship run more smoothly so our partners are sexually content...while for others pleasing your partner is AS MUCH for your own arousal & sexual enjoyment as it is for hers/his. For all Reactive Lovers > your partners satisfaction can also empower you & increase feelings of sexual competency.

Can figure out yours here>>>  Identifying your Libido Type


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It helps to feel sexy if you want to seduce your husband. Do you feel sexy? Do you have orgasms? Do you have orgasms with your H?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree with explaining to him exactly what you explained to us. Let him know you're unsure of how to go about it and it goes against your upbrining but you want to work with him to become more sexual. 

I think overall it's something you want to go slow with...as in you probably don't want to start out in a dungeon with chains and whips. You have to work up to that. 

Seriously though...it will take time to become more comfortable and let go of your inhibitions however it's a worthy pursuit.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

norajane said:


> It helps to feel sexy if you want to seduce your husband. Do you feel sexy? Do you have orgasms? Do you have orgasms with your H?


LOL the unasked, inferred question:
DO YOU MASTURBATE TO ORGASM?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> LOL the unasked, inferred question:
> DO YOU MASTURBATE TO ORGASM?


The implied question is: Is the reason you haven't been having as much sex as your husband wants because you don't have orgasms when you have sex with him?

Women who don't have orgasms aren't going to want to go at it like bunnies. So it that's the case, learn how to have orgasms and teach him how to give your orgasms. That will help the situation.


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## StupidWife (Jul 21, 2013)

Accipiter777 said:


> My wife is MD (Medium Desire). She was VERY LD. I sure as hell would not told her she cannot satisfy me sexually. Now you're depressed and probably feeling like a failure or a bad wife. Sounds like you need confidence in your sexual ability. You can only do your part, if he is going to feed you this kind of unsupportive talk then he is to blame. After all... YOU are here and looking for answers. Not him.


It came out harsher on my posting than it sounded. My husband is a caring nice supportive guy. He finally decided to tell me I needed to get help for my depression and as we talked about our marriage, he shared that his sexual need had not been satisfied (he really struggled to tell me this but I think he was at the end of his rope too and didn't know what else to do) and considering our difference, he never will be. I am devastated but I am so glad that he share the problem with me. But he is the one who was doing lot of research about marriage problems, found this forum, and told me about it if I wanted to get help. He did his part and now it is my turn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StupidWife (Jul 21, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> How far off is *your* sex drive and* his* ?? ....as you mentioned above in your country engaging just once a month is NORMAL...or "a lot" [email protected]#$% Over here that would be very close to being considered a Sexless marriage... 10 or less times a year is considered sexless...and many men would have a great amount of resentment being built up, with temptation being harder to resist outside the marriage to boot.
> 
> Is his High drive once a day, 3 times a week... what would it take to satisfy him- has he expressed this to you?
> 
> ...


Probably, his drive needs at least once a day, a few times a day would be better. I used to go once a month and okay. After our talk, I am trying more often and I actually am enjoying that although I now worry about my husband is not into it much and of course, he is probably thinking that I am doing it as guilty sex. I only hope that he will see my genuine love toward him. 

He is not abusive in ANY way. He is far from abusive - I thought that he is the last person on earth who would hurt me. He is the greatest nicest guy I know. He treats me really well and loves me very much (I hope he still does...). I think he needed to share it because he is struggling for long and didn't know what else to do. I am glad though because now I know. I love him and I now see the importance of sexual relationship. Now I feel from my heart that I want to make him happy with my love. I want to show him how much I love him. I want to be loved and connect intimately. My actions are coming from my love to him and not forced in any way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StupidWife (Jul 21, 2013)

norajane said:


> It helps to feel sexy if you want to seduce your husband. Do you feel sexy? Do you have orgasms? Do you have orgasms with your H?


I don't feel sexy. But I have orgasms almost every time I have sex thanks to my husband. I do see that I have to work on my self so that I feel more sexy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## not_bubba (Feb 9, 2013)

You should not feel too bad about your situation. You seem engaged about reaching a reasonable balance which is more on the commendable side from what I read around here. I have similar/worse issues with my wife who also likes sex but feels no need for it. She also has a similar background to you and I can guess where you are from  However she, more typically, ignored me when I brought it up several times (somewhat gently like your husband and after much suffering since I did not want to poison the atmosphere). In our case I got no concern after making it clear it was killing me bit by bit, and more importantly, no effort to change while I kept pulling my load around home, with the kids, and at work and she gets what she wants/needs. That leaves one feeling like an abused meal ticket. I wish I could transplant some of your empathy to my wife. You have some hope of fixing things. But you should not feel you need to cater to your husbands needs every day. There can be a happy medium. The key is compromise and find what works for both long term in that context. If your husband is reasonable he will be thrilled with the change/improvement.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

StupidWife said:


> I don't feel sexy. But I have orgasms almost every time I have sex thanks to my husband. I do see that I have to work on my self so that I feel more sexy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does your H make you feel sexy? Does he flirt with you, tease you, admire you? Do the flirt with him, or show your admiration? Even something as simple as "you look so hot in those jeans" or "you're so clever for knowing how to fix the toaster!" said with a kiss goes a long way.

Is there anything that you wear or do (bubble baths, etc.) that make you feel more sexy? For me, a dress or clothes that I feel really good in can make me feel sexy. Especially when I see the look in my SO's eyes when he sees me. Don't underestimate the value of sexy eye contact! Even working out can help me feel more sexy.

Do you two go out on dates together, just the two of you, something fun or romantic? If not, definitely start planning some dates! Going for a walk in the park, or bike riding, or a concert or whatever you like to do - anything can be a date if you are excited to spend the time together.

Do you spend quality time together at home? No tv, no computer, no dishes or cleaning the kitchen, just the two of you connecting. My SO and I like to have a glass of wine before dinner, with music, and catch up on the day. It helps us re-focus on each other.


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