# Is my marriage based off of sex?



## lathena (Dec 30, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 2 years and married for 9 months. We've had normal relationship issues but things are a lot different now. I am 22 weeks pregnant with our first child together. He has a son from a previous relationship and I have two children from my previous one. We've always been the type that is constantly showing each other affection. We had a very healthy sex life. We used to not be able to sleep unless we were touching each other. 5 weeks ago I was told I have placenta previa and that I had to be on complete pelvic rest. No sex or stimulation at all! Since that news our relationship has changed dramatically. We no longer sleep holding each other. I try to get close to him and he nudges me off. It seems the only time he wants to be close to me is if he gets his pleasure. I'm extremely heart broken. We fight all the time now over extremely stupid things. He tells me he loves me and that his feelings haven't changed but I don't feel that way. I want my affectionate and caring husband back


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can imagine that this is challenging for both of you! 

Even though it can feel lonely and hurtful to feel such a loss of affection, try to remember that for many men, affection *is* a prelude to sex. They don't experience physical affection like women do, where non-sexual touch is a reward by itself. 

I'd bet that when he gets close to you physically, it turns him on. This can be uncomfortable for him because he cannot take things where he wants to naturally go, and he doesn't want to pressure you to give him relief every time when he can't pleasure you, too. In his own way, he's feeling just as lonely and rejected as you, because that physical release is the way he knows he's loved, just as his non-sexual touch lets you know that you are loved.

If you are young, he may not even be able to understand or put into words what he's experiencing and why it's a problem for him to give you what you're hoping for, but when he says his feelings haven't changed, he's telling you the truth. 

This might be even more intense right now if you had been working and had to stop. It's a lot of pressure to go from two incomes to one!

Eighteen weeks is a long time to be on bed rest, and it will probably feel like a lifetime to both of you. I would encourage you to use visual and verbal signals to remind yourselves that it's temporary. A calendar marking the days till you can go at it like bunnies again. Statements like "I can't wait till we can (do this) again." "I miss the way you (touch me like this) and that's what I'm looking forward to once the baby is born." 

Also, there might be opportunities to connect in other ways. Ask him if he'll rub your feet for five minutes, or give him a shoulder massage when he comes in from work. 

Keep that bridge strong without putting him in uncomfortable situations.


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## lathena (Dec 30, 2012)

Thank you for replying. We find out in 3 days if the placenta has moved so I can be off of this restriction. What you said actually made me feel a lot better about this whole situation. I'm praying that we get good news otherwise I'm not sure what will happen. I know my pregnancy hormones are a big reason I feel so lost and confused.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can imagine that this is challenging for both of you!
> 
> Even though it can feel lonely and hurtful to feel such a loss of affection, try to remember that for many men, affection *is* a prelude to sex. They don't experience physical affection like women do, where non-sexual touch is a reward by itself.


This isn't wholly true. 

I very much value my wife's touch, even when it has nothing to do with sex. It's comforting, encouraging, strengthening, reassures me of her love and care. 

As to the OP, he's probably scared to death to do anything that might cause a problem.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> This isn't wholly true.
> 
> I very much value my wife's touch, even when it has nothing to do with sex. It's comforting, encouraging, strengthening, reassures me of her love and care.
> 
> As to the OP, he's probably scared to death to do anything that might cause a problem.


I think he's scared, yes. But he's also of child-bearing years, which leads me to believe that his perceptions of touch haven't yet matured.


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Probably a bit of what everyone said here so far. I'd be heartbroken if I couldn't be intimate with my wife, and it would be really hard to snuggle up to her and get all "hot & bothered" knowing it could lead to nothing.

Are there other options for you, like oral sex or something like that? 

There's certainly a physical need of men, which also relates to our emotional connection to our wives as well.


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