# My wife cheated on me. I don't know if I can stay in this marriage



## ClairesDad

I'm new to this website, just found it yesterday. My story is this. I'm a 48 year old man. My 46 year old wife and I have been married for 3+ years. This is the second marriage for both of us. My wife has 3 children from her first marriage. Her 14 year old son lives with us. The older two live on their own. I have two children from my first marriage, a son age 11 and a daughter age 13, both of whom live with us. 
Our marriage has always been rocky, a product of the blended family I guess. My wife has always been kind of secretive, I guess. A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months. I tried to put a stop to that.
But two weekends ago I caught her in full blown affair. I went camping overnight with a couple of friends. She was home by herself because our kids were at the exes the weekend. She ended up spending Saturday night with another man. I found out because she left her Kindle out and I saw that she had been instant messaging this other man. The messages were extremely graphic sexually. I was stunned. I confronted her when she got home and she admitted it. She said it had been going on for 6 months. She told me how ashamed she felt and how sorry she was and how much she loved me and wanted to still stay married. I felt that if I hadn't have seen the messages, she would still be having the affair and I`d be none the wiser. I feel she was sorry she got caught.
What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway. I'm kind of at a loss by all this. I threatened to kick her out, but I feel bad for my stepson. He's innocent. I think about reconciling, but how do I get past this loss of trust? I don't think I can ever get past that. She lets me check her phone and Kindle and computer, but how do I know if she's erased anything? Besides, she resents it very much when I do check thing. 
A part of me wants to reconcile, because I still do love her very much. Another part of me wants to move on and put her behind me. I don't know if I can ever trust another woman, though. I told myself after my first wife did this s**t to me that I would never let it happen to me again. Well it did happen again and I don't know what to do.


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## Thound

Dump her. She is not worth another tear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive

You have been through this before, so, you know what now must be done. You are so early into this "marriage" and your new, second, wife is treating you like this. You have been cuckolded again! You have your evidence, she doesnt care about you, your children, and even her own. File for divorce, have her served in the most public way. I personally dont think you should ever consider R this marriage. I think she will do it to you again. But, that is up to you. At the same time, work on yourself. There is something going on with you to allow this to happen again. That isnt an insult, but, we all tend to gravitate in these situations to what we know. That isnt always good as your finding out. Good luck, keep strong


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## "joe"

ClairesDad said:


> What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway. I'm kind of at a loss by all this.


a woman i dated seriously decades ago deceived me, and now my stbxw has done it again, even though she knew my ideas about infidelity. in IC i'm talking about this pattern. i know you have enough emotional wreckage to deal with right now, ClairesDad, but this should be something to look into.


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## Chaparral

She married you to finish raising her son. If you reconcile, expect her to leave when he finishes high school. 

What happened to her first marriage, if you can talk to her ex.

She had at least an ea before this and it was probably a pa too. In any event there is almost no chance a serial cheater will change.

Have you gpsed her car, put a var in her car, she likely will be using a burner phone.


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## Shaggy

Her son already has a father, so he'll be alright without you.

That she not only was cheating so early into the marriage, but that with everything that was going on in your blended family she found the and energy to go out, find an affair partner, spend the time to build a relationship with him, and put the energy she did into sexual messages , planning hook ups with him etc - I'd say clearly she is not committed to you or the relationship.

She is using you a second income and provider to help raise her kids and give her a roof but she is turning to other men for sexual and emotional satisfaction.


I strongly suggest you divorce her. It will also serve as a thing your own kids can be proud of you for. You brought this cheater into their lives, and now that she is revealed you need to be strong and remove her from their lives.

If you need more motivation, demand she take a polygraph, because its likely she's been doing it all along and you just caught her one tryst. The exbf likely got some for example.

Btw, she'll likely just get a burner phone next time to carry the affair on underground better

Did you find and expose the guy she was cheating with to his own wife/gf?


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## Truthseeker1

ClairesDad said:


> .* I told myself after my first wife did this s**t to me that I would never let it happen to me again. Well it did happen again and I don't know what to do*.


Before you can decide what to do - you need some serious and I mean serious introspection. You need to figure out why you chose the women you did. See a counselor and make no promises to your wife. Until you understand who you are - you can't make a fully informed decision....


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## Shaggy

Truthseeker1 said:


> Before you can decide what to do - you need some serious and I mean serious introspection. You need to figure out why you chose the women you did. See a counselor and make no promises to your wife. Until you understand who you are - you can't make a fully informed decision....


I disagree about the order here. He is not at fault for having chosen a cheater. Yes, he needs to improve the type of woman he gets romantically involved with and needs to pick a better more solid person, but he doesn't need to do this before dumping her cheating butt into the street.

Especially since his first wife cheated he needs to dump this one otherwise it says to his kids that a person should put up with betrayal by their partner.

On other-worlds to the OP, If this happened to your win child in their marriage what would you advise them ? Then, follow your own advice.

I think you know you want to dump her and that she can't be trusted based on the 2 times you ave caught her betraying the marriage in only 3 years.

Your second guessing dumping her partly out of fear of being alone again, and fear of looking foolish for being taken in by her lies, and out of disrupting your family.

You won't be alone forever, but her presence is preventing you from meeting the woman who will e good in your life.

People will think you are more of a fool for accepting a cheat spouse than they ever will for you giving your trust but them dealing with the betrayal swiftly and cleanly.

And your loyalty is to you and your kids, and when she is gone you will still be with them going through life together.


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## Chaparral

Please get the mmslp book in my signature. I would recommend the other book also, but you wife never intended to be faithful to you.

Good luck and prayers for you and your kids.


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## Chris989

It is reasonably likely that you would end up with another cheater - even if you weren't attracted to that sort of person (if there is a "sort" that cheats).

It might be that you have some odd "flaw" that means you end up being cheated upon, more likely you lost a numbers game that is far more likely than a few coin tosses coming out heads one after the other.

Having read your post in the other thread and now this one, I agree with *Shaggy*:

"_And your loyalty is to you and your kids, and when she is gone you will still be with them going through life together_."

She is clearly 100% selfish and has no intention of being faithful.


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## workindad

You deserve better than this and she is old enough to know that secrets are not healthy to a marriage. 

I can't tell you what to do. But I will tell you what I would do. 

I'd pack her stuff for her and file as swiftly as I could.

She has no respect for you or the marriage. You don't deserve that crap and you need to consider the example you are setting for your own kids. Do you really want them to grow thinking that this is normal and that they should have to put up with it some day. Think about that. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Do you know for sure why her first marriage ended? Just curious... I suspect you're correct that her affair would be continuing if you hadn't caught her, and you're probably better off without her. The impact on your stepson is on her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

I fear this is no more than the tip of the iceberg. She's a serial cheater, a trill seeker, she surely was a serial cheater before you met her, this is who she is, after catching her at least twice you can't delude yourself thinking it's a one time mistake built after a very long dying relationship, perfect storm sort of.
Serial cheaters don't change, it's what works for them, the double life where the BS is the safety net, convenient long term partner but their emotional life is focused on the - always changing - cake on the side.

If you are not ready to pull the trigger ASAP make your demands.
NC letter.
Complete transparence in comunication devices and whereabouts, with no hesitation.
Full disclosure (to back up with a poly).
STD tests.
No reminders, gits, mementoes, defiled underwear...
No toxic friends, people in the know...

Even she agrees to this you need to become a serious PI and snoop on her back like yesterday (be sure she didn't went underground) and then put the ball on her court, demand to get help (IC, books, online readings) to fix what she broke.
My take is she will reject, bargain, deflect, delay... everything as you are already seeing how she get pissed of when you check on her.

BTW, has this new OM a wife or SO? She needs to be informed ASAP. Do it without warning your wife, just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm sorry you had to be here man.


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## herblackwings

Get out ASAP. Learn the lesson. When you find someone new, have fun, enjoy the companionship for what it is, but under no circumstance become attached. Learn to be detached but present. Learn to live in the moment and don't get deep with someone. And do not ever get remarried. A future lady might demand this of you, and you should lead her believe that it might happen in the future but don't do it - keep her hopes high for as long as the relationship is going well. Become and stay mobile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

ClairesDad said:


> My wife has always been kind of secretive, I guess.
> 
> (1) A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months.
> 
> (2) But two weekends ago I caught her in full blown affair.
> 
> (3) She told me how ashamed she felt and how sorry she was and how much she loved me and wanted to still stay married.
> 
> (4) What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway.
> 
> (5) I threatened to kick her out, but I feel bad for my stepson. He's innocent.
> 
> (6) She lets me check her phone and Kindle and computer, but how do I know if she's erased anything? Besides, *she resents it very much when I do check thing*.


1- A year into the marriage! This speaks volumes about who your WW really is. This is supposed to be the "honey moon" phase.

2- So 2.5 years into the marriage she's having sex with another man. If the texting a year earlier was a different OM, my money is on that she had sex with him also.

3- She told me how ashamed that she got caught, yet again. I'm guessing this is really why her last marriage failed.

4- So she knew you were cheated on in your last marriage and she cheated on you anyway...

5- Bingo! Like others have said, she more than likely married you to upgrade her and her Sons standard of living. She will try to use her son into guilting you into giving her another chance.

6- If you mean that she resents you checking her phone after you caught her having unprotected sex with another man for 6 months, tell her that you resent now having to get STD tests done and tell her to start packing!!!

If you stay with this woman I see nothing but misery and pain in you future.


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## clipclop2

She has always been secretive, eh? Sounds like a personality trait. I know hindsite and all... Next time run from secretive women. Heed those red flags.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. Be strong and know you are not to blame. A blended family can be a challenge for sure, but I bet it would ne less of a challenge with a wife who was transparent. A lot of energy goes into deception. Energy is precious. She wasted hers selfishly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo

Move on.....


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## Jasel

Have some respect for yourself and leave. It's quite obvious your wife has none for you.


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## jnj express

Your getting good solid advice---its your life, and going thru a couple of D's in what is probably not a long time span, can be painful---but what will be/is more painful is living in misery

So she's ashamed,---that doesn't say one thing about that she loves you---which she obviously doesn't, otherwise, how does she have an ea, one yr into the mge, and a yr and half later have a PA-----that would be a pretty weird kind of love

How do you conduct life around that household----you don't trust anything she does---she is unhappy and pi**ed off that you check on her---the kids are all in the middle of this---and you are both approaching your 50's, when things should be solid and stable

I am not sure what kind of a love you have for this woman---are you sure it is not hot passion---it certainly can't be any kind of mature love---and it doesn't matter---she THINKS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF YOUR LOVE , as she spreads her legs for another man for 6 months----

You do whatever you want---it is your life to live, and your misery to contend with

By the way just so you know, and you can tell your wife---WHEN YOU TAKE VOWS---THERE IS NO EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY---she wanted privacy, she should have not married you


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## 6301

In your thread you said that your first wife did the same thing to you and you would not let it happen to you again. 

There is your answer. It happened again. Once is bad enough and now a second time. Have her pack her stuff up and get her out of the house. I know you feel bad for her son but she is the one that ruined the marriage. You have your own kids to worry about and they should be your top priority. She was caught and feels bad only for that reason. It's been going on for six months so it wasn't a one time thing. 

In the future, be a little more careful. Date and have fun but make sure that when you go home at night, your by yourself. You can have a relationship with a woman and it doesn't have to end in marriage. The is no law saying that you have to marry anyone. I think both of these women that cheated on you should make you think about that.


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## tom67

6301 said:


> In your thread you said that your first wife did the same thing to you and you would not let it happen to you again.
> 
> There is your answer. It happened again. Once is bad enough and now a second time. Have her pack her stuff up and get her out of the house. I know you feel bad for her son but she is the one that ruined the marriage. You have your own kids to worry about and they should be your top priority. She was caught and feels bad only for that reason. It's been going on for six months so it wasn't a one time thing.
> 
> In the future, be a little more careful. Date and have fun but make sure that when you go home at night, your by yourself. You can have a relationship with a woman and it doesn't have to end in marriage. The is no law saying that you have to marry anyone. I think both of these women that cheated on you should make you think about that.


This^^^ well said:iagree:


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## aug

ClairesDad said:


> I'm new to this website, just found it yesterday. My story is this. I'm a 48 year old man. My 46 year old wife and I have been married for 3+ years. This is the second marriage for both of us. (



She's 46 y.o., not a young person learning about life. Since she has not learned anything about loyalty, respect, morals at this stage of her life being half over and divorced once, it's unlikely she'll in the future.

What was the reason for her previous divorce?


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## weightlifter

Acab was right IF you decide to R. That being said your odds of fidelity appear quite low.

Do not make the mistake of combining two questions into 1. You will need TWO yesses to the below.
1. Is she doing enough (see acab list above FOR A START) to deserve even a shot at R?
2. Can you be one who can even deal with the fact another man has shot his goo inside YOUR WOMAN?

Do the poly thing. Most of the time you get a confession before you get into the parking lot. We dont call them "parking lot confessions" here for nothing.

Tell her she is going to have a poly for ANY chance at R.
She must tell you all affairs. She has until you open the door to the poly to change her answers. This gives her plenty of time to stew while thinking up what to tell you. 
Tell her any significant details left out will result in D.

This gives you a high probability of getting more out of her.

Oh and add:
she acknowledges a lifetime right to snoop by any means YOU deem necessary.
There is no such thing as "over it" You have the right to ask questions of her affairs even 5 years from now. Note your angry outbursts should be much less than now in 5 years. Its simply a right to fill in any blanks in your mind as this is how some men stop their mind movies.


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## Lovemytruck

ClairesDad said:


> I'm new to this website, just found it yesterday. My story is this. I'm a 48 year old man. My 46 year old wife and I have been married for 3+ years. This is the second marriage for both of us. My wife has 3 children from her first marriage.... QUOTE]
> 
> Thanks for being brave enought to follow our advice and post your story. It kind of scares me because I am in a second marriage, we are both a year younger, she has 3 kids, I have 2, and this crap happens to you. My marriage feels good, but it is a reminder that you never really know.
> 
> Did you expose her? Just wondering if you did, and how it went.
> 
> I would be in the crowd saying go for the D. You stepped into a bad marriage, I would step back out. Sorry for the step-son being hurt.
> 
> We have not guarantees in marriage. It sucks when people like us follow the rules, and they don't.
> 
> Since you are new to TAM, I would recommend reading the "Stickies" at the top of the threads. Great general advice.
> 
> Maybe some time to heal, and some space will give you clarity.
> 
> Let us know how we can help.


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## ClairesDad

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I am very grateful. To answer a few of the questions, my wife did have an emotional affair in her first marriage. She admitted that to me. She told me that at the time she and her first husband were separated. She was married 18 years to her first husband. Her biggest complaint about him was almost complete lack of sex. (I was married to my first wife for 16 years and my biggest complaint was almost no sex, too) My wife and I have always had a very good sex life, so I don't understand why she stepped outside of the marriage. I even asked her that this morning. She had no answer.

I know what needs to be done. I am very much in doubt that any reconciliation will work. My stepson has a very good father, so I'm not worried there. I am demanding complete transparency, and so for she is complying. I have all her PW for all the devices and email accounts that I know about. And that's the key phrase, that I know about. There might be more. How do I know?

And yes, I did call the guy out. Messaged him on FB. (That's where he and my wife met) Never heard a response from the coward. I messaged his wife on FB and let her know what was going on too. My wife broke all contact with him, but he called her at her office on Friday to "make sure she was OK". My wife did tell me that he called. I'm sure he was seeing if there was still any interest in him on her part.

I checked on FB today. He's not my wife's friend, but they have mutual friends. I found that my wife never blocked him on FB. Red Flag there!

Sorry for rambling on. Like I said, I've been here in this situation before. I know what needs to be done. I should have more self respect than to keep hanging on to women that cheat on me. She'll probably do it again to me down the road. There is a pattern here. I hate living a life where I have to check up constantly on my spouse. What the hell kind of life is that?? 

Thanks again to everyone for your responses.


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## azteca1986

ClairesDad said:


> I messaged his wife on FB and let her know what was going on too.


Good job there. It was the right and honourable thing to do in the circumstances.


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## Machiavelli

CD,

The feedback you have received has been right on the money. You were brought in as a so-called "Beta Provider" to provide your material goods and earnings for the benefit of your wife and her children. She was happy to provide sex for you in exchange, but never had any intention of exclusivity. Basically, she was never that attracted to you. While she was probably attracted to her first husband at marriage, the usual 7 year itch set in, she lost attraction to him and cut off sex. Then rediscovered her libido with someone new (funny how that always happens). So, while her first marriage involved a lack of sex, it was not on her part, just her husband's. She played things a little smarter the second time around, as most of them do.

You may be put off by the description of events above, but these are merely standard psycho-biological behaviors run from limbic scripts. You see these patterns over and over in relationships.

Since you have no biological children with this woman, thank the Good Lord, you would be unwise to remain with her, although that is your choice. At 48, you can be pulling an almost endless string of attractive 35-37 year old single mothers (also looking for their beta-providers) who are higher quality women in every way, over and above the clinker you have now.

I should say, you can pull such young women if you are sexually attractive. When is the last time you were hit on by a woman?


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## TRy

ClairesDad said:


> I have been married for 3+ years.





ClairesDad said:


> My wife has always been kind of secretive, I guess. A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months. I tried to put a stop to that.


 This was at least and emotional affair (EA). It could have also been a physical affair (PA) but she will never admit to that. When you say that you “tried to put a stop to that”, it sounds like she was unremorseful and made you work it.



ClairesDad said:


> She ended up spending Saturday night with another man. I found out because she left her Kindle out and I saw that she had been instant messaging this other man. The messages were extremely graphic sexually. I was stunned. I confronted her when she got home and she admitted it. She said it had been going on for 6 months.


 So this was a full blown PA.



ClairesDad said:


> my wife did have an emotional affair in her first marriage. She admitted that to me.


 Just because she says that it was an EA, does not mean that it was not also a PA. Cheaters lie. She is a proven cheater. She is a liar. Check with her ex to find out what he knows. He will not know the whole story, and may not even know as much as you know, but then again maybe he knows more. You should ask him.

What the above show is that in only 3 years of marriage she has already been in at least 2 affairs, and she has spent at least 1/3 of her marriage to you actively cheating. It also shows that she had at least one affair in her last marriage. She is a serial cheater. She will cheat again. Google the term “cuckold”. She has already made you one. Ask yourself if that is who you want to be going forward.


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## lenzi

ClairesDad said:


> Our marriage has always been rocky, a product of the blended family I guess. My wife has always been kind of secretive, I guess.


No doubt. Second and subsequent marriages have an extremely high failure rate, approaching 60%, and that's primarily due to problems stemming from children from prior marriages. I don't get why people continue to roll the dice knowing the odds are stacked against them. One bad marriage in a lifetime is enough. There is no reason to marry again, and there's lots of compelling reasons not to every marry at all. 



ClairesDad said:


> I felt that if I hadn't have seen the messages, she would still be having the affair and I`d be none the wiser. I feel she was sorry she got caught.


Yes exactly, and she just might do it again, and be more careful. 



ClairesDad said:


> She lets me check her phone and Kindle and computer, but how do I know if she's erased anything? Besides, she resents it very much when I do check thing.


Well this is a huge problem. For there to be any chance of reconciliation she needs to have the attitude of "I messed up big time, he can do anything he wants and I will happily oblige!" 

Instead she "resents" you not trusting her after she screwed some other guy. Does that make any sense? Of course not.

Nothing to save here until and unless she changes her tune and bends over backwards to try to make things right between you. Doesn't sound like that's ever gonna happen.


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## Chaparral

If he was fishing for your wife again, I doubt his wife got your message. I believe he intercepted your message. You should try to contact her by phone or in person and let her know he hasn't given up.


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## Chris989

Seriously, this woman is bad news.

She is that worst of all things - entitled. Even if you think it's fixed - it won't be.

Get rid now, or be back here again in 12 months.


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## treyvion

Machiavelli said:


> CD,
> 
> The feedback you have received has been right on the money. You were brought in as a so-called "Beta Provider" to provide your material goods and earnings for the benefit of your wife and her children. She was happy to provide sex for you in exchange, but never had any intention of exclusivity. Basically, she was never that attracted to you. While she was probably attracted to her first husband at marriage, the usual 7 year itch set in, she lost attraction to him and cut off sex. Then rediscovered her libido with someone new (funny how that always happens). So, while her first marriage involved a lack of sex, it was not on her part, just her husband's. She played things a little smarter the second time around, as most of them do.


LOL



Machiavelli said:


> You may be put off by the description of events above, but these are merely standard psycho-biological behaviors run from limbic scripts. You see these patterns over and over in relationships.
> 
> Since you have no biological children with this woman, thank the Good Lord, you would be unwise to remain with her, although that is your choice. At 48, you can be pulling an almost endless string of attractive 35-37 year old single mothers (also looking for their beta-providers) who are higher quality women in every way, over and above the clinker you have now.


Can he go down to 30 years old at 48?



Machiavelli said:


> I should say, you can pull such young women if you are sexually attractive. When is the last time you were hit on by a woman?


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## lenzi

treyvion said:


> Can he go down to 30 years old at 48?


When I was dating 2 yrs ago, I was that age.

Couldn't get any responses.

My profile said "looking for women 18 to 58".

Seems like plus or minus 5-7 years is about it.


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## tulsy

Shaggy said:


> I disagree about the order here. He is not at fault for having chosen a cheater. Yes, he needs to improve the type of woman he gets romantically involved with and needs to pick a better more solid person, but he doesn't need to do this before dumping her cheating butt into the street.....


:iagree: 100% percent.


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## Ovid

Started cheating at 2.5 years. Doesn't sound like she was ever going to be faithful.


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## ClairesDad

Does seem pretty hopeless, I agree. The term "cuckold" does apply! Lol! Gotta laugh.

I'm not really looking for anyone else right now. I do know that I never want to get married again.

I do feel that if we reconcile, I will be back here again. My wife is very smart and I`m sure she won't make the same mistake again.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Chaparral said:


> If he was fishing for your wife again, I doubt his wife got your message. I believe he intercepted your message. You should try to contact her by phone or in person and let her know he hasn't given up.


Yes. Either he has intercepted you FB message to his BS, or this guy has balls the size of church bells.

Think about it, your wife get a message that you have been screwing someone else's wife for the last 6+ months. Even if you talk your way out of it, you done contact your cheating partner right away. You'd wait a few week, right?...

I don't think she got your message AND he still want's to boink your WS some more.

You know what you should do, Now do it.


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## TRy

Ovid said:


> Started cheating at 2.5 years. Doesn't sound like she was ever going to be faithful.


 I guess you missed the emotional affair where the OP stated that "A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months. I tried to put a stop to that". This means that she started cheating .5 years into the marriage.


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## Ovid

TRy said:


> I guess you missed the emotional affair where the OP stated that "A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months. I tried to put a stop to that". This means that she started cheating .5 years into the marriage.


I did.

In that case she's a serial cheat, and either was never into him, or is not capable of a monogamous relationship.


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## barbados

Only married 3 years and she was contacting old boyfriend within first year, had AT LEAST a 6 month affair after that, so basically she has never been faithful during your marriage. On top of that you say she is secretive.

GET OUT NOW ! You made a promise to yourself that you would not tolerate this again after your first marriage, So be true to yourself. This woman is a serial cheater and will never be able to be trusted !


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## Why Not Be Happy?

cut your losses----tell her she needs to make other living arrangements. do not allow her to disrespect you like this.


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## Love2326

Remember how you felt when your first wife cheated on you. Remember that pain. Remember what she put you through. Do not, DO NOT tolerate this kind of behavior. AT ALL. 

We can all tell you our opinions but the bottom line is: you will only act when you're ready to act. You must make the decision. I can tell you from experience: you'll live like a spy. You'll wonder where she is everytime she leaves the house, everytime you're out of the house, everytime her phone rings. You'll probably drive yourself crazy. 

She gets your trust once. One time only. If she wants it back, she's gonna have to pony up and give you EVERYTHING you demand. Full disclosure, NC, complete access to everything, etc. 

It will be up to YOU to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this. My personal opinion: she's cheating on you so soon after getting married?? She'll do it again. You'll be right back here the next time. But you have to go through this painful process until you come out of the "fog". Then you'll know what to do.


----------



## badcompany

I agree with the masses, dump her butt on the curb. It's probably why she was divorced in the first place. Put her on cheaterville so maybe the next guy won't get sucked in.
I think if I was to get burned twice I would be done, and strictly look for FWB's at that point.


----------



## MattMatt

> Besides, she resents it very much when I do check thing.


Wow! A serial cheater who resents the fact that she drives her loyal, faithful spouse to actually, like, doubt her word? 

:wtf: Is she serious?

To my way of thinking she should be throwing herself at your feet, not resenting you for your fully justified suspicions!

Do you have a pre-nup?

What? Matt suggesting maybe divorce should be on the table? In this case, yes, it should be.


----------



## The Middleman

ClairesDad said:


> . I feel she was sorry she got caught.
> 
> What makes this worse is that my first wife did this to me also. My wife knew how hurt I was by all this, yet she cheated anyway.
> 
> I told myself after my first wife did this s**t to me that I would never let it happen to me again. Well it did happen again and I don't know what to do.


These sentences sum up your story completely. Now read them again and tell me you don't know what to do. I'm sorry, but I find it difficult to understand how you can stay in a marriage with her and still look yourself in the mirror every day. I think you are going to hate yourself going forward if you let her get away with this without some sort of consequence. Get away from her for a few months. Maybe even start divorce proceedings, and clear her from your head. During this time you can expose the affair to everyone, including the OM's wife. After these few months if you feel you want to try and reconcile, and she is willing, you can. But at least you'll do it from a position of strength, not a position of weakness, which is where you are now. Take care of yourself first, she is inconsequential right now.


----------



## jnj express

I get the distinct impression, you are gonna R---and stay with this woman, also I get the distinct impression there will be very little accountability if any, and as to remorse, and heavy lifting who knows

Since you are gonna stay, and she has a propensity to cheat, AND YOU KNOW IT, but will stay anyway----why put yourself thru the unhappiness of checking on her, she obviously will go deep underground to make sure you don't catch her next time, and there will be a next time, you and all of us know it----sooooo

Just turn a blind eye, enjoy your life with the kids, go out with her, as roommates, and try not to be miserable

If you were to seriously stay with her----she would have to be off FB altogether, cuz she contacts, and talks to men thru FB----you would need to be her parole officer, and you would need to set boundaries, with consequences you would have to enforce----you just don't seem like you wanna be a parole officer----so in essence---you do your thing, and let her do her thing----maybe you can slide thru---even tho---I have a strong feeling your sub--conscious is gonna punish you big time----good luck to you, however you go


----------



## Hortensia

With no kids of you two together, the solution is simpler. Divorce her because she is not the faithful type.


----------



## Shaggy

Find the guys wife in the real world an tell her. A fb MSG from some unknown guy is just going to be ignored.

Have your wife write him a NC letter where she admits the affair. Then have it sent registered mail to the wife.

The polygraph for your wife.


----------



## the guy

I/d get a VAR (voice activated rcorder) and plant it in her car.

I understand your done with the M but it would be helpful to know what is on her agenda.

The intel you gather could give you the resovle to continue with the direction you have choosen.


----------



## Machiavelli

treyvion said:


> LOL
> Can he go down to 30 years old at 48?












Quite possibly, if he's got a great physique, but I was being ultra conservative. The chart above shows the relative attraction curves of men and women across a span of ages; note waxing and waning of attractiveness by sex and age. There is an extended discussion of this at this link.


----------



## Love2326

Here's another thought: File and serve her and make her see just how serious you really are. You don't have to act on it right now... but she has to understand that you are serious when you say you will NOT tolerate this behavior.


----------



## ThePheonix

Machiavelli said:


> The chart above shows the relative attraction curves of men and women across a span of ages


Well hell, I'm way on the on right side of curve. Thanks for bring that to my attention Mack.


----------



## Will_Kane

You've been married 3 years, she's been having an affair for 6 months, and she met him on facebook. So it must have taken awhile from the time she met him until the time the affair started. So most likely this has been going on fully the past year of your three-year marriage.

Didn't block him or even unfriend him. Said you could check on her, but gets mad when you do. Told you she doesn't know why she did it.

Her story doesn't make a lot of sense. She's leaving a lot out, or she's flat out lying. Met him on facebook. How? Why did she hook up with a guy she met on facebook? Was she looking for someone? Did they really meet on facebook? How many mutual friends knew about their affair and said nothing to discourage it or, worse yet, actually encouraged it? Did she bring him over to your house to have sex in your bed?

There's more to this story than you're being told.

Had an EA in her first marriage. Were there any signs she was cheating before you stumbled on it? You said your sex life was good, I'm guessing she didn't show any of the typical cheater signs like being annoyed by you, unhappy with everything you do, distant around you?

Is this her only affair since you've been dating? Married?

You are absolutely correct, with technology the way it is, there is no way you could detect her cheating if she wanted to hide it. Burner phones, all kinds of chat apps that don't leave a trace, and heck, just through work phone and work email. No way you can monitor everything to be sure she is staying honest.

Still, it seems you are on the fence about this. Do yourself a favor. Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders. Put one in her car, one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. If she is unrepentant and wants to continue to cheat, which is what I think, you will find her talking to other man or confiding in a girlfriend within a week or two, then you can move on more easily. If you catch nothing, or you hear her confiding how she screwed up and really loves you, then you can reconcile knowing she wants to make this work. To this point, she has given you mixed signals, both in what she has done and what she has failed to do.

Also, check the browser history on her phone and your computers. See if she is looking up other man's facebook page or other types of social media, looking for other man.

If you can, put a keylogger on her phone and computer. Only do this if you feel you are technologically savvy enough to do it without getting caught by her.

See if you can put a gps on her car.

All of this spying is no way to live. You can't keep it up forever. It is to help you make a decision in the next 1-3 weeks about whether to reconcile or divorce; it is to ease your mind that you are making the right decision either way. If three weeks go by and you find nothing, give up the heavy duty snooping and just spot check her once in a while.

Consider asking her to take a polygraph to prove she has not cheated on you before and to verify that she has told you the truth about the current affair (on the latter point, I can tell you from her story that doesn't make sense, that she has not).


----------



## tom67

Will_Kane said:


> You've been married 3 years, she's been having an affair for 6 months, and she met him on facebook. So it must have taken awhile from the time she met him until the time the affair started. So most likely this has been going on fully the past year of your three-year marriage.
> 
> Didn't block him or even unfriend him. Said you could check on her, but gets mad when you do. Told you she doesn't know why she did it.
> 
> Her story doesn't make a lot of sense. She's leaving a lot out, or she's flat out lying. Met him on facebook. How? Why did she hook up with a guy she met on facebook? Was she looking for someone? Did they really meet on facebook? How many mutual friends knew about their affair and said nothing to discourage it or, worse yet, actually encouraged it? Did she bring him over to your house to have sex in your bed?
> 
> There's more to this story than you're being told.
> 
> Had an EA in her first marriage. Were there any signs she was cheating before you stumbled on it? You said your sex life was good, I'm guessing she didn't show any of the typical cheater signs like being annoyed by you, unhappy with everything you do, distant around you?
> 
> Is this her only affair since you've been dating? Married?
> 
> You are absolutely correct, with technology the way it is, there is no way you could detect her cheating if she wanted to hide it. Burner phones, all kinds of chat apps that don't leave a trace, and heck, just through work phone and work email. No way you can monitor everything to be sure she is staying honest.
> 
> Still, it seems you are on the fence about this. Do yourself a favor. Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders. Put one in her car, one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. If she is unrepentant and wants to continue to cheat, which is what I think, you will find her talking to other man or confiding in a girlfriend within a week or two, then you can move on more easily. If you catch nothing, or you hear her confiding how she screwed up and really loves you, then you can reconcile knowing she wants to make this work. To this point, she has given you mixed signals, both in what she has done and what she has failed to do.
> 
> Also, check the browser history on her phone and your computers. See if she is looking up other man's facebook page or other types of social media, looking for other man.
> 
> If you can, put a keylogger on her phone and computer. Only do this if you feel you are technologically savvy enough to do it without getting caught by her.
> 
> See if you can put a gps on her car.
> 
> All of this spying is no way to live. You can't keep it up forever. It is to help you make a decision in the next 1-3 weeks about whether to reconcile or divorce; it is to ease your mind that you are making the right decision either way. If three weeks go by and you find nothing, give up the heavy duty snooping and just spot check her once in a while.
> 
> Consider asking her to take a polygraph to prove she has not cheated on you before and to verify that she has told you the truth about the current affair (on the latter point, I can tell you from her story that doesn't make sense, that she has not).


:iagreeo this for your own peace of mind-this is not your fault.


----------



## Will_Kane

Also, it's a very real possibility that other man intercepted your message to his wife. Try to call the wife and speak to her directly.


----------



## Machiavelli

ThePheonix said:


> Well hell, I'm way on the on right side of curve. Thanks for bring that to my attention Mack.


I'm right behind you. But I look 35. All the 25 year old girls tell me that.


----------



## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> I'm right behind you. But I look 35. All the 25 year old girls tell me that.


:whip:


----------



## treyvion

Machiavelli said:


> I'm right behind you. But I look 35. All the 25 year old girls tell me that.


You must be cleaning up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER




----------



## ThePheonix

Machiavelli said:


> I'm right behind you. But I look 35. All the 25 year old girls tell me that.


I wish some young chick, say 45-50, would tell me I look in my early 50's. My wife thinks I'm hot. Or she's telling me that to make me feel good and I ain't gonna argue with her.
Like the old Ernest Tubb song sez, "used to fight the girls off with a stick, now they say he makes me sick"


----------



## ClairesDad

My wife met the guy on Facebook. He was a friend of her sister-in-law. In January I noticed that he started making comments on everything my wife posted. My wife had friended him earlier. His comments got cruder and cruder. I finally told my wife to de-friend him in February, which she did. She and the guy then got AIM account so they could instant message each other. It lasted from February til August, when I caught her. She's remorseful now, after she's been caught. She had an EA in our first year of marriage with an old boyfriend. We've been married 3+ years. I don't know why I'm on the fence about divorce, but I am. I want to give marriage counseling a chance. I know that I will always wonder. My wife is way more tech savvy than me, so installing any device would probably not work. I used a voice recorder on the phone to catch my first wife. It worked, but I heard alot more than I wanted to hear. If I have to resort to something like that again, or a GPS, etc, I'll definitely leave. I can't live like that. Although I can barely live the way things are going now, Lol! Everyone that has responded to this thread has been pretty much unanimous in telling me to leave. Some have been pretty brutal about telling me I`d be a fool to stay in this marriage. I do appreciate all the advice and that people do care about my well being.


----------



## tom67

It's your life not mine but when someone is a serial cheater and you have not given her any consequences I don't see any good coming out of this but that's just me.:scratchhead:You should put a var in her car.


----------



## lenzi

ClairesDad said:


> I don't know why I'm on the fence about divorce, but I am.


It would help you immensely if you can do enough introspection to answer that rather important question. Your wife had cheated on you repeatedly, she's deceived you, disrespected you and only shows remorse when caught.

So be honest with yourself, why stay?

I'll give you a few possibilities to get you started, and they all have one thing in common.

FEAR.

-of big changes in your life
-possibly having to move to another place
-loss of some or many of your accumulated assets
-having to start dating all over again
-never meeting someone again and being alone FOREVER

None of those are good reasons to stay with this cheater.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

lenzi said:


> It would help you immensely if you can do enough introspection to answer that rather important question. Your wife had cheated on you repeatedly, she's deceived you, disrespected you and only shows remorse when caught.
> 
> So be honest with yourself, why stay?
> 
> I'll give you a few possibilities to get you started, and they all have one thing in common.
> 
> FEAR.
> 
> -of big changes in your life
> -possibly having to move to another place
> -loss of some or many of your accumulated assets
> -having to start dating all over again
> *-never meeting someone again and being alone FOREVER*
> 
> None of those are good reasons to stay with this cheater.


I think this is at the top of most BS's list with the addition of - They are still in love with the WS that they use to know/Who their WS use to be.

It's hard to let go of the memory/dream of what once was and replace it with the reality/nightmare that it now is.


----------



## TDSC60

As has been said, your wife is a serial cheater. It is a severe character flaw and does not go away overnight. Even with the fake remorse (and it is fake or she is only sorry you caught her) she is not going to change and she will do it again eventually. If you stay you will never be totally comfortable. You can never trust her again. For your own self respect and peace of mind - get out.


----------



## BobSimmons

ClairesDad said:


> My wife met the guy on Facebook. He was a friend of her sister-in-law. In January I noticed that he started making comments on everything my wife posted. My wife had friended him earlier. His comments got cruder and cruder. I finally told my wife to de-friend him in February, which she did. She and the guy then got AIM account so they could instant message each other. It lasted from February til August, when I caught her. She's remorseful now, after she's been caught. She had an EA in our first year of marriage with an old boyfriend. We've been married 3+ years. I don't know why I'm on the fence about divorce, but I am. I want to give marriage counseling a chance. I know that I will always wonder. My wife is way more tech savvy than me, so installing any device would probably not work. I used a voice recorder on the phone to catch my first wife. It worked, but I heard alot more than I wanted to hear. *If I have to resort to something like that again, or a GPS, etc, I'll definitely leave. I can't live like that.* Although I can barely live the way things are going now, Lol! Everyone that has responded to this thread has been pretty much unanimous in telling me to leave. Some have been pretty brutal about telling me I`d be a fool to stay in this marriage. I do appreciate all the advice and that people do care about my well being.


So let's see. Married three years. She's been cheating for six months? She already knew you had been cheated on previously but still did it.

So somewhere in those 2 and half years, she had the wandering eye, because you better believe she didn't suddenly wake up and go "Oh I want to cheat" She may have been playing around with the fantasy in her head and when the perfect guy came along she went with it. 

I'm a bit confused OP, you first seem to intimate you were staying for the stepson, then it changed to you loved her. Knowing she could do this to you even after what you went through, and *knowing that if you didn't find out she would have continued..how could you stay with her*?

But best of luck to you whatever road you decide to travel. Take care.


----------



## ClairesDad

Confusing time for me. Yes I still do love my wife, even through all this. We have 3 children living with us, one of whom is my stepson, who I love very much. I'm concerned with the impact on my children as well of divorce. I know that if I had not caught her, the affair would still be going on. I also know that the chances are real good that she will do it again. I know that this relationship is killing me and that it would do me a world of good to leave. It took me awhile to pull the trigger and leave my first wife. It`ll take awhile here as well. Guess what I'm hoping for is a miracle, a true change of heart on her part. Probably won't happen, but I can hope.


----------



## Will_Kane

ClairesDad said:


> *If I have to resort to something like that again, or a GPS, etc, I'll definitely leave. I can't live like that*.


Don't be a fool, and don't get overly dramatic. You ARE living like THAT. You will get past this and be OK, whether she still is cheating on you or not.

I guess you know in your heart that she is just taking this further underground. We can all see it from out here in cyberspace. We are not influenced by your wife's verbal lies, all we are focused on are her actions. Her actions have spoken loudly, and they have not been signs of reconciling, they have been signs of resistance, doing the minimum necessary to keep you in the marriage.

Use the voice-activated recorders. It will take less than three weeks. Heck, it probably only will take a day or two.


----------



## Will_Kane

ClairesDad said:


> Guess what I'm hoping for is a miracle, a true change of heart on her part. Probably won't happen, but I can hope.


That true miracle, change of heart is not going to happen by letting her off the hook as you are doing. The only way it will happen is if you take a hard line and make her realize what her actions will cost her - YOU.

Of course, given what you've posted about your wife, EA in previous marriage, EA early in marriage, now PA still early in marriage, it is unlikely that she will change. But if she ever is to change, it will come from her realizing she is about to lose you, as in you file for divorce and make her beg for you to stop it. It is a long shot.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Will_Kane said:


> Don't be a fool, and don't get overly dramatic. You ARE living like THAT. You will get past this and be OK, whether she still is cheating on you or not.
> 
> I guess you know in your heart that she is just taking this further underground. We can all see it from out here in cyberspace. We are not influenced by your wife's verbal lies, all we are focused on are her actions. Her actions have spoken loudly, and they have not been signs of reconciling, they have been signs of resistance, doing the minimum necessary to keep you in the marriage.
> 
> *Use the voice-activated recorders. It will take less than three weeks. Heck, it probably only will take a day or two.*


I agree. I think this show is over, but for some reason the OP is waiting for the theater lights to come back on before he heads for the exit and steps back into the real world.

Hearing what your cheating wife has to say when you'e not around will either convince you that you either need to R, or D.

My guess is the latter, sorry, but I just don't think she's going to change.


----------



## Blacksmith01

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. Get out now!


----------



## BashfulB

I'm new to this cheating stuff, but even I can see your wife is playing you for a fool. She does not love you and probably never did. In you she saw a stable, secure guy with a good heart who she knew she could exploit. You are her meal ticket, the soft landing pad who will stick around while she runs around with other men. 

Don't demean yourself any longer staying with a leech like this. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

How many times did you not catch her?


----------



## Thorburn

MC will not solve your issues it is your wife that will solve your issues. When she comes completely clean, shows true remorse (not sorry for being caught), is completely transparent, completely accountable, etc, etc.

For me the first thing I would have expected is that FB is gone and gone forever, without me even mentioning it. That is just the beginning of true remorse.


----------



## bfree

ClairesDad said:


> Confusing time for me. Yes I still do love my wife, even through all this. We have 3 children living with us, one of whom is my stepson, who I love very much. I'm concerned with the impact on my children as well of divorce. I know that if I had not caught her, the affair would still be going on. I also know that the chances are real good that she will do it again. I know that this relationship is killing me and that it would do me a world of good to leave. It took me awhile to pull the trigger and leave my first wife. It`ll take awhile here as well. Guess what I'm hoping for is a miracle, a true change of heart on her part. Probably won't happen, but I can hope.


If its killing you think about the effect its having on the children. You think they don't feel the tension? You think they aren't being subjected to the emotional upheaval? As much as you and your wife try to act normal and keep it from them....they know. The best thing you can do is to put a swift clean death to this "marriage." And this is coming from someone who believes in marriage. But what you've had isn't a marriage at all. She's never been yours, not in her heart and now not in her mind and body.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

ClairesDad, do you have a REALLY close friend, or family member that you can tell, what you've told us? If so, tell him, then ask him what he thinks. I believe that you already know what he will tell you, but I also believe that you need to hear it from someone that you know and trust.


----------



## tom67

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> ClairesDad, do you have a REALLY close friend, or family member that you can tell, what you've told us? If so, tell him, then ask him what he thinks. I believe that you already know what he will tell you, but I also believe that you need to hear it from someone that you know and trust.


Please reach out I can't agree enough.


----------



## carmen ohio

ClairesDad said:


> My wife met the guy on Facebook. He was a friend of her sister-in-law. In January I noticed that he started making comments on everything my wife posted. My wife had friended him earlier. His comments got cruder and cruder. I finally told my wife to de-friend him in February, which she did. She and the guy then got AIM account so they could instant message each other. It lasted from February til August, when I caught her. She's remorseful now, after she's been caught. She had an EA in our first year of marriage with an old boyfriend. We've been married 3+ years. *I don't know why I'm on the fence about divorce, but I am. I want to give marriage counseling a chance. I know that I will always wonder.* *My wife is way more tech savvy than me, so installing any device would probably not work.* I used a voice recorder on the phone to catch my first wife. It worked, but I heard alot more than I wanted to hear. *If I have to resort to something like that again, or a GPS, etc, I'll definitely leave. I can't live like that.* Although I can barely live the way things are going now, Lol! *Everyone that has responded to this thread has been pretty much unanimous in telling me to leave. Some have been pretty brutal about telling me I`d be a fool to stay in this marriage. I do appreciate all the advice and that people do care about my well being.*


Dear ClairesDad,

You say that your WW is more tech savvy than you, the implication being that it will be difficult to catch her if she cheats on you again. This means that you will have to be über vigilant. But then you say that you can't live and will have to leave if you have to resort to methods that will likely be necessary to catch her cheating. This doesn't make any sense.

You also say you want to give marriage counseling a chance but then thank people for giving you the advice to divorce her. Again, this is illogical.

It's your marriage and your life so you can do what you want. However, whatever you say you plan to do, I think you know what you should do. You don't need to make any snap decisions but, please, think long and hard before recommitting your life to this woman.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.


----------



## happyman64

Claire's Dad

Your wife had an EA and now a 6 month PA.

And you still love her.

Then do her a favor and show her some tough love.

Tell her she has 6 months to show you why you should stay.

Use the VAR's.

Or you can cut to the chase and ask her if she wants an open marriage. If she says yes then give her D papers since you did not sign up for this.

My big issue is she knows your 1st wife did this to you so her doing this really is throwing a bigger knife in your chest. That is just plain cruel.

If you do decide to D her then do her one more favor.

Let her family members know why including her ExH. Do it so they know the real her and why her marriages do not survive.

And her "I don't know" answer is lame. Do not accept it. And go find the OMw and let her know what her husband has been up to for 6 months.

Get tough. No More Mr Nice Guy....

HM64


----------



## Dyokemm

OP,

I think it is a mistake for a BS to PASSIVELY sit around and wait to see how events unfold.

You need to take positive actions to move the situation in the direction you want.

Its counter intuitive, but if you would like to R, your best action is to actually move forward by starting the process for a D.

Your WW has to see that she is about to lose you and her life as she knows it.

Maybe then she will start showing the real remorse and taking the actions she needs to in order for you two to have a chance of getting through this and saving your M.


----------



## the guy

ClairesDad said:


> but I can hope.


Hope for the best but *prepare* for the worst.


----------



## Aerith

Machiavelli said:


> At 48, you can be pulling an almost endless string of attractive 35-37 year old QUOTE]
> 
> CD,
> 
> To boost your ego, I can confirm - it's absolutely realistic for 48y.o. man to date a woman 10-15 years younger.
> 
> Regarding your marriage - your wife needs a serious shake. She complies with your rules while you can control her. Once control is off, she will be back to cheating... That's prediction based on her previous behaviour.
> 
> I agree with Dyokemm, you need to file for D...


----------



## doubletrouble

Claire'sDad, how are things going?


----------



## weightlifter

I remember this dude. Hope things got some kind of good direction for him.


----------



## theroad

Short term marriage
No kids
Best to dump her


----------



## theroad

ClairesDad said:


> Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I am very grateful. To answer a few of the questions, my wife did have an emotional affair in her first marriage. She admitted that to me. She told me that at the time she and her first husband were separated. She was married 18 years to her first husband. Her biggest complaint about him was almost complete lack of sex. (I was married to my first wife for 16 years and my biggest complaint was almost no sex, too) My wife and I have always had a very good sex life, so I don't understand why she stepped outside of the marriage. I even asked her that this morning. She had no answer.
> 
> I know what needs to be done. I am very much in doubt that any reconciliation will work. My stepson has a very good father, so I'm not worried there. I am demanding complete transparency, and so for she is complying. I have all her PW for all the devices and email accounts that I know about. And that's the key phrase, that I know about. There might be more. How do I know?
> 
> And yes, I did call the guy out. Messaged him on FB. (That's where he and my wife met) Never heard a response from the coward. I messaged his wife on FB and let her know what was going on too. My wife broke all contact with him, but he called her at her office on Friday to "make sure she was OK". My wife did tell me that he called. I'm sure he was seeing if there was still any interest in him on her part.
> 
> I checked on FB today. He's not my wife's friend, but they have mutual friends. I found that my wife never blocked him on FB. Red Flag there!
> 
> Sorry for rambling on. Like I said, I've been here in this situation before. I know what needs to be done. I should have more self respect than to keep hanging on to women that cheat on me. She'll probably do it again to me down the road. There is a pattern here. I hate living a life where I have to check up constantly on my spouse. What the hell kind of life is that??
> 
> Thanks again to everyone for your responses.


Messaging is not exposing. You do not know if the OMW found out. So you must call her or see her.

Also you need to do a full FB exposure. Copy and paste all of the OM and WW's contact lists. Then do a full exposure on FB. Remember to space out the messages with a full minute between each message sent so FB does not block you as a spammer.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

This guy was kind of a beta from what I remember. The fact that we haven't heard otherwise makes me think that thinks did not go his way at all.

But who knows...


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## Rottdad42

What a suck feeling, gut punched twice. Can you say that you find yourself attracted to the morally wrong? Maybe. But how do you really know a person, until you actually get to know them. Can you say after the third date, wait I recognize a cheater here. No, impossible. Some will say you pick the wrong person or you don't pay attention to the signs or red flags. If that's the case you would never date another person, for fear of having your heart ripped out. I understand your hurt. For me I wouldn't stick around. What happens the next time you go on a camping trip, same thing. Trust is very hard to come by. You have been bit twice, that's just bad luck. Can you control this, no. Even the most healthy of relationships are tested, by complacency. However you can control how much horse crap you are going to swallow. In my absolute humble opinion, you need to decide what's in your best interest. Knowing what you know, I would never, ever want to touch, cuddle, kiss, hold etc. my wife, gf, lover, life partner again. Nope, not after she has done this and put my health at possible life long risk. Who does that to another person, lays down beside you at night and says I love you you are my soul mate. When you know what they have done. Walk a way, with your head up, your morals intact and find that person who won't take you for granted. Good luck.


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## lordmayhem

He's still around occasionally.

His last post on February 5, 2014:



ClairesDad said:


> i didn't reconcile with my first wife. we divorced after I found out about her affair. my first wife and I have 2 kids. My second wife knew how badly I was hurt by my first wife, yet my second wife had an affair also. She also carried on an EA with an old BF the entire time we were together. My second wife moved out in November. We are technically in R, but really I feel it's over. I don't think I can ever really forgive her. I need to concentrate on myself and my kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She ended up moving out in November, most likely to continue the affair without interruption, yet supposedly in R. Basically living in limbo as Plan B.


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## doubletrouble

Thanks, lordmayhem.


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## happyman64

So Claire's Dad how are you doing right now?


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## ClairesDad

Hey everyone, appreciate the concern. I'm still kicking! STBXW and I are separated, heading toward dissolution. Kind of nice to have my life and my house back again. I've been concentrating on my kids and on helping myself. Off this week from work and planning 2 nice getaways with my kids. Life is getting better for me.
Someone posted about me being a beta. Lol. Perhaps I am, to a point. I don't think anyone would say it to my face, though. I guess my personality is pretty outgoing to some degree. I think most everyone would describe me as a nice, decent man. Pretty honest, moral. I try to impart that to my kids. My pick of wives has obviously not been good, to say the least. But like someone said I had no clue that they would be cheaters. I felt that I hit the jackpot with both women. My first wife and I were together 18 years and I had no inkling of an affair until the last 6 months.
My second wife gave herself away a lot sooner, but if you had asked me on my wedding days if I thought that they would cheat, I would have told you that you were crazy.
Yeah I've been kicked pretty good. Hasn't been fun. And I don't know if I'll really be able to trust a woman again. Pretty sure there won't be a wife #3, though!


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## happyman64

CD

How does your STBXW feel about the divorce now?

Was it your decision or a mutual one?

Glad you are doing ok.

HM


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## ClairesDad

happyman64 said:


> CD
> 
> How does your STBXW feel about the divorce now?
> 
> Was it your decision or a mutual one?
> 
> Glad you are doing ok.
> 
> HM


 I think the full the full impact of what she did is hitting her now, both financially and emotionally. I think she realizes that she had it good here and that I was a good, caring, and honest man. We didn't live a high lifestyle, but we had a nice secure life. We went on nice vacations, had a lot of evenings out, just she and I.I though that our only real issues were with our kids. We have 5 children between us, 3 of them at home, 2 of them are teens. But these problems wouldn't have led to divorce, I don't think, nor should they have been used to justify an affair (which she tried to do). There was no real drama with our exes, either. I realized that I would never be able to trust her again. I think that was the tipping point. I didn't want to be married to someone I had to constantly check up on.


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## Graywolf2

ClairesDad said:


> STBXW and I are separated, heading toward dissolution. Kind of nice to have my life and my house back again. .


It sounds like you are in a good place and I’m happy for you. If you ever think about R, please consider the following:



ClairesDad said:


> My wife did have an emotional affair in her first marriage. She admitted that to me. She told me that at the time she and her first husband were separated. She was married 18 years to her first husband. Her biggest complaint about him was almost complete lack of sex…………
> 
> My wife and I have always had a very good sex life, so I don't understand why she stepped outside of the marriage. I even asked her that this morning. She had no answer.


Your wife was having no sex with her first husband and only had an EA? She was having “very good” sex with you and had a PA? There is a 99% chance she had a PA in her first marriage. 

Knowing your history, she trickle truthed you about the reason her first marriage broke up so that you would consider marrying her.



ClairesDad said:


> A year into the marriage, I found that she texted and called an old boyfriend hundred's of times over several months. I tried to put a stop to that. But two weekends ago I caught her in full blown affair.


I think she had affairs (PA or EA) continuously during the end of her first marriage and during yours. She didn’t even slow down.



ClairesDad said:


> I think the full the full impact of what she did is hitting her now, both financially and emotionally. I think she realizes that she had it good here and that I was a good, caring, and honest man.


That’s why she married you. You’re a great guy and provided a good home for her and her son. Once she started cheating on her first husband she couldn’t give it up and never will. She needs to be single.


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## ClairesDad

Divorce was final this week. Wife shed a lot of tears at the hearing, but I stuck to my guns. Through the months she started to convince herself that her affairs were partly my fault, that I somehow share the blame for her cheating. Maybe she'll never learn how much she hurt me and how I never deserved this treatment. Anyway, I will admit that I feel kind of lost but I am hopeful for the future. It has been one sh!tty year. It can only get better.


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## ClairesDad

On a lighter note the other side of my duplex is becoming available. My kids think it would be a great idea if their Mom, ex-wife #1, moved in next door! Fat freaking chance! How creepy would that be! Lol!


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## Why Not Be Happy?

You've kept your sense of humor.


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## manticore

did you make sure that the OM's wife got the message of the actions of his POS husband?, hope you exposed him as hard as possible with friends and his family to see the sort of bastard he is.


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## vellocet

ClairesDad said:


> Divorce was final this week. Wife shed a lot of tears at the hearing, but I stuck to my guns.


Good job. Your life will only improve from here on out. :smthumbup:




> Through the months she started to convince herself that her affairs were partly my fault, that I somehow share the blame for her cheating.


Let her think that. She'll just use that excuse on the next guy. Not your problem any longer.


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## vellocet

ClairesDad said:


> On a lighter note the other side of my duplex is becoming available. My kids think it would be a great idea if their Mom, ex-wife #1, moved in next door! Fat freaking chance! How creepy would that be! Lol!


Tell them you don't want your property value to come down.


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## ClairesDad

manticore said:


> did you make sure that the OM's wife got the message of the actions of his POS husband?, hope you exposed him as hard as possible with friends and his family to see the sort of bastard he is.


I kept tabs on the guy kind of through Facebook. Didn't out him anymore other than what I did last summer. I mentioned to my then wife in March that this a55 was getting away scott free, with no real repercussions while we were getting divorced. Didn't seem fair and I mentioned to her that I was going to message every one on his friends list and tell them exactly what he'd done. A couple of days later I found that this guy had blocked me on Facebook. Someone tipped him off. I wonder who that could have been?? She denied that she was still in touch with him but that was way too much of a coincidence. That put to rest any lingering thoughts of an R.


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## manticore

ClairesDad said:


> I kept tabs on the guy kind of through Facebook. Didn't out him anymore other than what I did last summer. I mentioned to my then wife in March that this a55 was getting away scott free, with no real repercussions while we were getting divorced. Didn't seem fair and I mentioned to her that I was going to message every one on his friends list and tell them exactly what he'd done. A couple of days later I found that this guy had blocked me on Facebook. Someone tipped him off. I wonder who that could have been?? She denied that she was still in touch with him but that was way too much of a coincidence. That put to rest any lingering thoughts of an R.


Then nothing to lose there, it seems that maybe he was even able to recover the message you send to his wife and is obsoluty scott free of any repercusion.

Why are you holding back? it seems that this man is a predator a probably your wife is not the first married woman he goes after, you should expose him, you maybe will be even warning or uncovering other affairs he is having right now.


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## barbados

ClairesDad said:


> Through the months she started to convince herself that her affairs were partly my fault, that I somehow share the blame for her cheating. Maybe she'll never learn how much she hurt me and how I never deserved this treatment.


Typical F'ing cheater mentality, M or F !

No, it can't be me ! I can't really be that shallow of a person !

I can't really have no moral center !

Its ALL YOUR FAULT BETRAYED SPOUSE !


YUP !


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## Chaparral

Put him on cheaterville.com and do the world a favor.


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## MattMatt

Chaparral said:


> Put him on cheaterville.com and do the world a favor.


:iagree:


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## lordmayhem

ClairesDad said:


> I kept tabs on the guy kind of through Facebook. Didn't out him anymore other than what I did last summer. I mentioned to my then wife in March that this a55 was getting away scott free, with no real repercussions while we were getting divorced. Didn't seem fair and I mentioned to her that I was going to message every one on his friends list and tell them exactly what he'd done. A couple of days later I found that this guy had blocked me on Facebook. Someone tipped him off. I wonder who that could have been?? She denied that she was still in touch with him but that was way too much of a coincidence. That put to rest any lingering thoughts of an R.


Unremorseful to the bitter end with her marriage hanging in the balance. If she was truly remorseful, she would have thrown him under the bus. But as with a lot of cheaters, she moved to protect OM. Yes, far too much of a coincidence.


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## lordmayhem

ClairesDad said:


> Divorce was final this week. Wife shed a lot of tears at the hearing, but I stuck to my guns. Through the months she started to convince herself that her affairs were partly my fault, that I somehow share the blame for her cheating. Maybe she'll never learn how much she hurt me and how I never deserved this treatment. Anyway, I will admit that I feel kind of lost but I am hopeful for the future. It has been one sh!tty year. It can only get better.


You've shown a lot of strength which is very admirable. You took the straight up advice here that was given to you without running away. Many others come here and ask what to do, and when people give frank advice or comments, they run way. But not you. With the fortitude that you have, things will get better for you as time goes by.


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## tom67

lordmayhem said:


> You've shown a lot of strength which is very admirable. You took the straight up advice here that was given to you without running away. Many others come here and ask what to do, and when people give frank advice or comments, they run way. But not you. With the fortitude that you have, things will get better for you as time goes by.


:iagree::iagree:
Put him on cheaterville and send the link to his coworkers and boss.
He deserves it.


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## LongWalk

Claires Dad,

Good job getting rid of wife number two. 

Of your two unfaithful wives, which loved you more?

I suspect you will conclude that the second was worth even less than the first.

All those tears. Maybe you can still bang her a couple of times to make her feel better? Still, Machiavelli was right, you can date much younger women. Just be more hard nosed in your evaluation of character.

My kids, teenage girls, told me that their mother said that men our age always date younger women. That is the nature of nature. Female sex ranking is way higher at 16 than 46.


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## tom67

LongWalk said:


> Claires Dad,
> 
> Good job getting rid of wife number two.
> 
> Of your two unfaithful wives, which loved you more?
> 
> I suspect you will conclude that the second was worth even less than the first.
> 
> All those tears. Maybe you can still bang her a couple of times to make her feel better? Still, Machiavelli was right, you can date much younger women. Just be more hard nosed in your evaluation of character.
> 
> My kids, teenage girls, told me that their mother said that men our age always date younger women. That is the nature of nature. Female sex ranking is way higher at 16 than 46.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## ClairesDad

LongWalk said:


> Claires Dad,
> 
> Good job getting rid of wife number two.
> 
> Of your two unfaithful wives, which loved you more?
> 
> I suspect you will conclude that the second was worth even less than the first.
> 
> All those tears. Maybe you can still bang her a couple of times to make her feel better? Still, Machiavelli was right, you can date much younger women. Just be more hard nosed in your evaluation of character.
> 
> My kids, teenage girls, told me that their mother said that men our age always date younger women. That is the nature of nature. Female sex ranking is way higher at 16 than 46.


If I had to choose which wife I loved more, I would choose wife #2, at least until last summer. My first wife and I had grown apart during our 16 year marriage. The only thing. holding us together were the kids. I was hurt bad when she cheated, but not as bad as I was when I found out my second wife cheated.
I appreciate the advice given to me here. It was all well meaning and very helpful. Everything people said on here about the nature of a cheater turned out to be true. I am stronger now. Don't know if I'm ready to start seriously dating yet, but I do have 2 lady friends I've been talking to. One of them is an old friend who goes back a long way. Her ex husband and I were friends. Anyway, I'll see where it leads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old red

best of luck to you, claire's dad.


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## aug

ClairesDad said:


> I appreciate the advice given to me here. It was all well meaning and very helpful. Everything people said on here about the nature of a cheater turned out to be true. I am stronger now. Don't know if I'm ready to start seriously dating yet, but I do have 2 lady friends I've been talking to. One of them is an old friend who goes back a long way. *Her ex husband and I were friends.* Anyway, I'll see where it leads.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Is her ex still your friend? If so, that's another mess.


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## ClairesDad

aug said:


> Is her ex still your friend? If so, that's another mess.


No. I haven't seen him in years. They used to go to my old church. He beat her and her son. Turned out to be not so nice of a guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB

ClairesDad said:


> _I think the full the full impact of what she did is hitting her now, both financially and emotionally. I think she realizes that she had it good here and that I was a good, caring, and honest man. We didn't live a high lifestyle, but we had a nice secure life... _
> I realized that I would *never be able to trust her again. I think that was the tipping point.* I didn't want to be married to someone I had to constantly check up on.


CD,

Been following the "Rough Stretch" for a year now. You have nothing to feel regret for. After being cheated on with Wife #1, #2 knew that cheating meant divorce, period. 

I'm personally in R (5 years) with my Fww. She had been cheating with 3 OM for 6+ years when I finally caught her. What you said _"never be able to trust her again". _

No argument here. Some days I wake up and look over at her and wonder "Why don't I Trust You?". You have been remorseful, attentive, faithful for 5 Years since you were caught. 

Then I snap back and remember how this same person lied, manipulated, and used my trust to further her affairs. I thought I was going crazy trying to fix our marriage. It really had nothing to do with me.

I have come to believe... "Trust... Once Earned, Forever Lost."


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## GusPolinski

RWB said:


> CD,
> 
> Been following the "Rough Stretch" for a year now. You have nothing to feel regret for. After being cheated on with Wife #1, #2 knew that cheating meant divorce, period.
> 
> I'm personally in R (5 years) with my Fww. *She had been cheating with 3 OM for 6+ years* when I finally caught her. What you said _"never be able to trust her again". _
> 
> No argument here. Some days I wake up and look over at her and wonder "Why don't I Trust You?". *You have been remorseful, attentive, faithful for 5 Years since you were caught.*
> 
> Then I snap back and remember how this same person lied, manipulated, and used my trust to further her affairs. I thought I was going crazy trying to fix our marriage. It really had nothing to do with me.
> 
> I have come to believe... "Trust... Once Earned, Forever Lost."


I'm not looking to piss in your cereal or anything, but it may have something to do w/ the fact that _she spent a year longer cheating_ than she's thus far spent *not cheating*.


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## Ripper

RWB said:


> I have come to believe... "Trust... Once Earned, Forever Lost."


If you have the time or inclination, could you explain how you can deal with this part? 

I can't wrap my mind around allowing someone I didn't fully trust to keep a title like "my wife". Some will say "don't put absolute trust in anyone", but for me to go all in with a marriage, absolute trust has to be there.


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## RWB

GusPolinski said:


> *I'm not looking to piss in your cereal or anything, *but it may have something to do w/ the fact that _she spent a year longer cheating_ than she's thus far spent *not cheating*.


Not a problem Gus, 

We had been married 25 years, when she had her 1st affair. BTW, I don't take anything personal anymore.


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## RWB

Ripper said:


> If you have the time or inclination, could you explain how you can deal with this part?
> 
> I can't wrap my mind around allowing someone I didn't fully trust to keep a title like "my wife". Some will say "don't put absolute trust in anyone", but for me to go all in with a marriage, absolute trust has to be there.


Not to Theadjack CD, but briefly...

I'm, Her... We... are just *damaged goods.*


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## bandit.45

RWB said:


> CD,
> 
> Been following the "Rough Stretch" for a year now. You have nothing to feel regret for. After being cheated on with Wife #1, #2 knew that cheating meant divorce, period.
> 
> I'm personally in R (5 years) with my Fww. She had been cheating with 3 OM for 6+ years when I finally caught her. What you said _"never be able to trust her again". _
> 
> No argument here. Some days I wake up and look over at her and wonder "Why don't I Trust You?". You have been remorseful, attentive, faithful for 5 Years since you were caught.
> 
> Then I snap back and remember how this same person lied, manipulated, and used my trust to further her affairs. I thought I was going crazy trying to fix our marriage. It really had nothing to do with me.
> 
> I have come to believe... "Trust... Once Earned, Forever Lost."


If there was any guy on TAM who deserved a hall pass from his WW it's you. 

Three nights at the Bunny Ranch, all expenses paid for by your wife.


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## helolover

I"ll chime here too. You will never be able to trust her again. Never. She's cuckolded you and her penalty is divorce. Her core person is defective. She is a liar. She will not change.

You need to consider: The common thread in 2 failed marriage is you, Hoss. You attract the cheater type. Are you rescuing them? Are you the unsung hero? Are you the damsels in distress white knight? I say this not to shat upon you, but rather help you look within for your contribution to the marital breakdown. I used to be a white knight too and it served me similarly to your situation. 

I recommend your course is separation and divorce. Its ugly, costly and damaging to kids. Your mission is to minimize the impact upon yourself and your children as best as possible. That being said, you protect yourself (emotionally, physically and financially) as best you can throughout the process. A parallel part of your journey and the most important part of this your self improvement as a man. Figure yourself out. Improve yourself. Avoid new relationships until you're ready to come to the table with your best. You now know the traits of the cheater. Avoid these types of women. 

If I can help, PM me.

HL


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## 3putt

helolover said:


> I"ll chime here too. You will never be able to trust her again. Never. She's cuckolded you and her penalty is divorce. Her core person is defective. She is a liar. She will not change.
> 
> You need to consider: The common thread in 2 failed marriage is you, Hoss. You attract the cheater type. Are you rescuing them? Are you the unsung hero? Are you the damsels in distress white knight? I say this not to shat upon you, but rather help you look within for your contribution to the marital breakdown. I used to be a white knight too and it served me similarly to your situation.
> 
> I recommend your course is separation and divorce. Its ugly, costly and damaging to kids. Your mission is to minimize the impact upon yourself and your children as best as possible. That being said, you protect yourself (emotionally, physically and financially) as best you can throughout the process. A parallel part of your journey and the most important part of this your self improvement as a man. Figure yourself out. Improve yourself. Avoid new relationships until you're ready to come to the table with your best. You now know the traits of the cheater. Avoid these types of women.
> 
> If I can help, PM me.
> 
> HL


He's already divorced her.


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## helolover

-20 points for my reading comprehension. 

The recommendations after divorce remain in effect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB

bandit.45 said:


> If there was any guy on TAM who deserved a hall pass from his WW it's you.
> 
> Three nights at the Bunny Ranch, all expenses paid for by your wife.


Yeah, she even suggested... "I wish you would have an affair to even the score", if you will. It was just crazy talk when she was riding the rail of shame and possible divorce. 

Now hear a truth... I'm not proud of it, but in truth I did enjoy for a while.

The Balance of Power in the marriage shifted 100% in my favor. I could walk on water. For years, not one single word ever said in difference to my behavior. Not that I treated her with disrespect, I didn't. Just, I was never questioned on anything. 

Do you understand... How much can you screw up taking normal care of a household as compared to a wife that has been f---ing other men behind your back for years. 

Hall pass... Bandit.

However, just like in TV wrestling... there is a time limit to everything. You can only pull out the Ace under your sleeve only so many times. 

A Truth... For all those here that choose to R, it's not game of egos, it's a lifetime of forgiveness.

Again, sorry for the thread jack CD, I will back off.


----------



## bandit.45

RWB said:


> Yeah, she even suggested... "I wish you would have an affair to even the score", if you will. It was just crazy talk when she was riding the rail of shame and possible divorce.
> 
> Now hear a truth... I'm not proud of it, but in truth I did enjoy for a while.
> 
> The Balance of Power in the marriage shifted 100% in my favor. I could walk on water. For years, not one single word ever said in difference to my behavior. Not that I treated her with disrespect, I didn't. Just, I was never questioned on anything.
> 
> Do you understand... How much can you screw up taking normal care of a household as compared to a wife that has been f---ing other men behind your back for years.
> 
> Hall pass... Bandit.


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## LongWalk

How are things these days?


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## doubletrouble

Wow what a bump, LW!


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## ConanHub

bandit.45 said:


> If there was any guy on TAM who deserved a hall pass from his WW it's you.
> 
> Three nights at the Bunny Ranch, all expenses paid for by your wife.


With video! LOL! &#55357;&#56841;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClairesDad

LongWalk said:


> How are things these days?


I'm doing alright. I just bought and moved into a new house last week for my kids and I. Something just my own. I kind of like being by myself, not answering to anyone. Not like I'm off doing anything wild or crazy. Just working a lot. I have a lady friend that I talk to but nothing really serious. One thing I've learned from all this is that I will probably never really trust a woman 100% again. Maybe that's a good thing to keep my guard up. Life is pretty good right now, though. I appreciate all of the advice I received on TAM and especially CWI. Thank you all!


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## vellocet

ClairesDad said:


> I'm doing alright. I just bought and moved into a new house last week for my kids and I. Something just my own. I kind of like being by myself, *not answering to anyone*.


F'in A. Its nice isn't it?




> I have a lady friend that I talk to but nothing really serious.


Take your time my man. If you do want another relationship in the future, great, just don't be in a hurry. Enjoy this single life while you can. I myself have decided to stay single for the rest of my life. But if you long for a committed relationship, just take your time. Enjoy.


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## missymrs80

I didn't read all the posts, but if you do leave her get some individual counseling to figure out why you keep picking women who cheat on you. That way you don't repeat it next time around.


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## NosborCrop

missymrs80 said:


> I didn't read all the posts, but if you do leave her get some individual counseling to figure out why you keep picking women who cheat on you. That way you don't repeat it next time around.


2 times, i do not think that is a pattern


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