# Her friends/family are too much!



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Hello All,


So long story short I believe I'm causing riff in my significant others personal life. Her friends and family dislike like me and they take it out on her. Today I helped to clean her room which was a complete mess (she's a quadriplegic and her mother is a hoarder) and her mother and sister ganged up on her, made her feel guilty for it, and now they wnt her to do stuff on her own - all because supposedly she "never asked for their help". Her friends are constantly in our businesses (which she's seen first hand why it's never a good idea to involve friends in your relationship affairs) and they constantly judge us. Her brother literally gets mad if I don't say hello to him (we attend the same church - which is another another story btw) and I don't get it anymore. All I've ever done was try to be a great man to her and I've never thrown up the things I've done for her their face. I've never cheated and I take her places, make sure she's taken care of well, and I treat her like a queen (flowers every Thursday, pray with her, good morning texts, massages, baths, etc.). She has no complaints and we are fine but the people close to her have an issue with EVERYTHING and it's becoming too much...

I told her today I think it's best if I lay low for a bit and get "busy" and NEVER volunteer to help do anything around the house (we live with her mom) and we just do our thing outside the house for a bit. 

Any advice or has anyone else delt with family/friends driving a wedge in your relationship?? If I need to explain more let me know!

Thanks for the help!


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

We're engaged btw


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> Today I helped to clean her room which was a complete mess (she's a quadriplegic and her mother is a hoarder) and her mother and sister ganged up on her, made her feel guilty for it, and now they wnt her to do stuff on her own - all because supposedly she "never asked for their help".


If she is a quadriplegic, how is she supposed to do things on her own?

Why are you living with her family?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> lawrencebe said:
> 
> 
> > Today I helped to clean her room which was a complete mess (she's a quadriplegic and her mother is a hoarder) and her mother and sister ganged up on her, made her feel guilty for it, and now they wnt her to do stuff on her own - all because supposedly she "never asked for their help".
> ...


And that's why I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. Not only do I help with her but I also have offered (never have cleaned without being told to) the house. The only things that I do clean are her stuff - her van often and just today her room because it's been filthy for months. I overheard her sister yelling at her about it and her mom was just piling junk in there so I was proactive and cleaned - which led to why I'm here today.

I live in the house because it has been modified for her chair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her mother is a hoarder and has been piling junk in her room. 

You need to do some reading about hoarders. It's a mental health problem. The way I had it described to me is that a hoarder is so afraid of loss (emotional loss such as when they lose a loved one, divorce, etc.) that the start holding on to junk as a surrogate for things that they have lost.

So when you cleaned up your finance's room, her mother and sister might have seen it as you taking something valuable away from them. You moved their junk and that causes them emotional pain. Also, they might have taken you cleaning the room as an insult; a statement that they are messy and don't keep things clean.

How long has your fiancé been a quadriplegic? 

How old are you and your fiancé? How long have the two of you been together?

Do you have your own room in the house? Do you pay rent and for food, etc to her mother?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Her mother is a hoarder and has been piling junk in her room.
> 
> You need to do some reading about hoarders. It's a mental health problem. The way I had it described to me is that a hoarder is so afraid of loss (emotional loss such as when they lose a loved one, divorce, etc.) that the start holding on to junk as a surrogate for things that they have lost.
> 
> ...



She's has been a quad for 8 years from a serious car accident. We are both 30 and have been together for 2 years. I still live between my place and hers as I'm still on a lease at my apartment that ends soon so I do help where I can. While it doesn't matter the house isn't either my finances or her moms (fiances grandmothers) and it's paid for. 

The issue about cleaning the room is they feel like me doings things means they are no longer needed from what they told her moments ago. They also thought she complained to me about her room so I felt obligated to do it. But if I'm in that room why wouldn't I want to clean it up? Same with the house? I understand about the mental state of hoarders though and that's why I only touch my finances stuff. Her sister doesn't live there but comes 3x a week to help her with hygiene. 

She pays her mom and sister to help her so to me they feel guilty and they're taking it out her (like everything else) and they bully her. For example it was a pile and I mean pile of her clothes on the floor in front of her bed. We bought a rolling clothing rack to hang them neatly and I had to move dresser to fit it in. Long story short she was basically told she doesn't have permission to move things around in her room like a 5 year old. They've both expressed to me how they don't treat her as if she's in chair, which I understand, but there should be limits to that. 

I can't change the family dynamics because only she can but I can't stand to see her disrespected like this and today was the last straw.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand how it can be hard to deal with her family.

You two are engaged. When do you plan to get married? She move in with you when you do? Is that the plan?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you get married and find a place of your own?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I admire your dedication to your fiance. The two of you need to quietly prepare your exit plan ie finding a new place; shoring up your finances; preparing for the emotional fallout that will occur when you two make a break from her family.

If you can get (good) professional help to sort things out, take it. Also, it may not be a good idea to present your plan to her family until you're ready to do the plan.

And just in case, I feel the need to say this, to avoid family agro, my husband and I just simply went to the courthouse to get married. And we're still very much in love.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I can understand how it can be hard to deal with her family.
> 
> You two are engaged. When do you plan to get married? She move in with you when you do? Is that the plan?





Diana7 said:


> How about you get married and find a place of your own?





NextTimeAround said:


> I admire your dedication to your fiance. The two of you need to quietly prepare your exit plan ie finding a new place; shoring up your finances; preparing for the emotional fallout that will occur when you two make a break from her family.
> 
> If you can get (good) professional help to sort things out, take it. Also, it may not be a good idea to present your plan to her family until you're ready to do the plan.
> 
> And just in case, I feel the need to say this, to avoid family agro, my husband and I just simply went to the courthouse to get married. And we're still very much in love.



Moving out of her place is something that as of yesterday I am going to start making a slow but steady push for. The reason why we don't live together currently is that my apartment is an upstairs unit - currently. She wants to stay in the house because it has been modified for her to a degree and her uncle, who is a very generous man and helped all his nieces and nephews, has offered to remodel the entire house. He wants to extend her old room and pretty much make it into a separate living quarters. Problem is her mother is blocking that move and has been before I met her. 

I just mentioned to her last night that we need to start preparing for the possibility that the remodel may never happen. The room that needs to be done is full of junk from floor to ceiling (that she refuses to see) not to mention other rooms and closets. Like @EleGirl mentioned and I've told her that she's going to have to battle the junk accumulation aka hoarding first - that she does to a degree to. I also expressed that even if the house does get remodeled that doesn't change or address the behaviors of those in or that come around it - from friends to family. 

When we were first together until now I she has always been indenial about the way people around her treat her. It's almost like Stockholm syndrome and she sympathizes with her abusers in her life. She will get mad about the treatment but doesn't know how to change it. Her only answer at this point is to pull money and stop using them as help but that could carry major consequences that I told her to consider.

I'm just looking at all this and while we haven't started making plans as we are recently engaged, I'm not marrying her if we are going to live in that house. I just haven't found the heart to tell her that because she loves that house and has her heart set on staying there. She even wants to live there and pay for her moms own apartment after the "remodel". 

I probably should have started there and asked how can I get her to comprehend she/we need our own place?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> When we were first together until now I she has always been indenial about the way people around her treat her. It's almost like Stockholm syndrome and she sympathizes with her abusers in her life. She will get mad about the treatment but doesn't know how to change it. Her only answer at this point is to pull money and stop using them as help but that could carry major consequences that I told her to consider.


Therapy may be able to help here. She is probably feeling guilty as she depends less and less on the very people who were only support at one time. Her family at this point probably feel as if they "own" the relationship which would explain to some degree how they treat you.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> > When we were first together until now I she has always been indenial about the way people around her treat her. It's almost like Stockholm syndrome and she sympathizes with her abusers in her life. She will get mad about the treatment but doesn't know how to change it. Her only answer at this point is to pull money and stop using them as help but that could carry major consequences that I told her to consider.
> 
> 
> Therapy may be able to help here. She is probably feeling guilty as she depends less and less on the very people who were only support at one time. Her family at this point probably feel as if they "own" the relationship which would explain to some degree how they treat you.



I'm so glad you said this and I verbally told her this myself. EVERYONE around her treats her like this. I can't be around it anymore because I'm going to start saying something and it's going to cause more problems. Ultimately, like I told her, she is in so much denial and would feel so internally guilty if she were to start making positive changes in her life nothing is going to change. She's too worried about what others will think, she's too comfortable, and most importantly (like everything else) it boils down to money and convenience - bottom line.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Thank all of you for your advice and help. After talking it over with few people and on here the best thing I can do is put our engagement on pause help her to figure out her life. Things will only get worse once we get married and that's definitely setting us up for failure. I truly think that either way, no matter what the consequences are behind my decision, hopefully her quality of life will be much better and she'll be stronger for it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> Moving out of her place is something that as of yesterday I am going to start making a slow but steady push for. The reason why we don't live together currently is that my apartment is an upstairs unit - currently. She wants to stay in the house because it has been modified for her to a degree and her uncle, who is a very generous man and helped all his nieces and nephews, has offered to remodel the entire house. He wants to extend her old room and pretty much make it into a separate living quarters. Problem is her mother is blocking that move and has been before I met her.
> 
> I just mentioned to her last night that we need to start preparing for the possibility that the remodel may never happen. The room that needs to be done is full of junk from floor to ceiling (that she refuses to see) not to mention other rooms and closets. Like @EleGirl mentioned and I've told her that she's going to have to battle the junk accumulation aka hoarding first - that she does to a degree to. I also expressed that even if the house does get remodeled that doesn't change or address the behaviors of those in or that come around it - from friends to family.
> 
> ...


Who holds the deed for the house? 

If her uncle wants to remodel the house more to make it a better environment for her, it might actually make sense for her mother and sister to move out and get their own place. Though they might kick and scream on the way out.

Could you and she buy a home and make some changes to it? Are there agencies that would help to modify a home for her needs?

The hording can actually be a huge safety issue for her. Does your fiancé use a wheel chair of some sort that gives her some mobility?

How old are you and your fiancé?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> Thank all of you for your advice and help. After talking it over with few people and on here the best thing I can do is put our engagement on pause help her to figure out her life. Things will only get worse once we get married and that's definitely setting us up for failure. I truly think that either way, no matter what the consequences are behind my decision, hopefully her quality of life will be much better and she'll be stronger for it!


I agree that if you marry her under these circumstances, it will not go well.

One of my Aunts married a guy who had Parkinson's so badly that he was wheelchair bound and could not do much for himself. My aunt had multiple sclerosis. They lived in my grandmother's house.

My grandfather did a bit of remodeling so that my aunt and uncle had their a private two room suit.. a living room/kitchen and a bedroom, and a full bathroom. The kitchen area was small, but my aunt cooked most of their meals.

What made is work is that the couple, aunt & uncle, had their own 'apartment' in the house and it was respected as their private place. 

Is the home your fiancé lives in right now structured in such a way that a few rooms could be made into an apartment that would be a place that was your and her private part of the house?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> lawrencebe said:
> 
> 
> > Moving out of her place is something that as of yesterday I am going to start making a slow but steady push for. The reason why we don't live together currently is that my apartment is an upstairs unit - currently. She wants to stay in the house because it has been modified for her to a degree and her uncle, who is a very generous man and helped all his nieces and nephews, has offered to remodel the entire house. He wants to extend her old room and pretty much make it into a separate living quarters. Problem is her mother is blocking that move and has been before I met her.
> ...


Her uncle that wants to remodel is the sole name on the deed. It would just be her mother moving out. We are both in our 30s and we could afford a place together but her heart is set on living in that house - sentimental reasons. She's in a all electric chair and that's why the house needs to be remodeled so she can fit comfortably through doors etc. The plan is to make her a studio but that room has wall to wall junk in it. The uncle hasn't seen that room and to me the whole house is a safety and health issue. She wants to hire new caregivers but I'm letting her know that dealing with her mom may become an issue as the money her mom did sister get monthly will goto the caregivers.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> lawrencebe said:
> 
> 
> > Thank all of you for your advice and help. After talking it over with few people and on here the best thing I can do is put our engagement on pause help her to figure out her life. Things will only get worse once we get married and that's definitely setting us up for failure. I truly think that either way, no matter what the consequences are behind my decision, hopefully her quality of life will be much better and she'll be stronger for it!
> ...


That is the plan but the room has junk in it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lawrencebe said:


> Her uncle that wants to remodel is the sole name on the deed. It would just be her mother moving out. We are both in our 30s and we could afford a place together but her heart is set on living in that house - sentimental reasons. She's in a all electric chair and that's why the house needs to be remodeled so she can fit comfortably through doors etc. The plan is to make her a studio but that room has wall to wall junk in it. The uncle hasn't seen that room and to me the whole house is a safety and health issue. She wants to hire new caregivers but I'm letting her know that dealing with her mom may become an issue as the money her mom did sister get monthly will goto the caregivers.


Maybe her uncle should come and visit his property and see the hoarding.

If your fiancé were to bring in some other care givers, it might help because they might have to report the hoarding because it is a serious safety hazard for your fiancé. That might actually help her.

Does her mother have enough income to pay rent on an apartment?

You sound like a really good guy. But you have some serious issues to deal with here before you should ever marry your fiancé. Love does not conquer all. Love often dies because of too many small problems slowly killing it.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> lawrencebe said:
> 
> 
> > Her uncle that wants to remodel is the sole name on the deed. It would just be her mother moving out. We are both in our 30s and we could afford a place together but her heart is set on living in that house - sentimental reasons. She's in a all electric chair and that's why the house needs to be remodeled so she can fit comfortably through doors etc. The plan is to make her a studio but that room has wall to wall junk in it. The uncle hasn't seen that room and to me the whole house is a safety and health issue. She wants to hire new caregivers but I'm letting her know that dealing with her mom may become an issue as the money her mom did sister get monthly will goto the caregivers.
> ...


And that's the exactly what I told her to be prepared for. I'm doing my best to express that either she needs to move or have her uncle see the mess for himself so he can see the scope of what has to happen even before the remodel. I'm not sure if her mom can afford to live on her own either that's why I think she's staying there and unfortunately her brother is enabling this craziness too. Yes you're 110% right about marrying her right now - too much drama that won't go away with love alone.


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