# why is my hubby lying to me?



## agoodwife (Aug 5, 2011)

A little back story...we've been married 4 years, together for 8. We have 2 beautiful little girls and for all appearances have a really happy life/marriage. In the time we've been together, unfortunately I feel like I'm married to Jekyll/Hyde. He "seems" like a really great guy, outgoing and fun, faithful, etc. But then I find things that contradict this. For instance, I've found porn videos and things he's looked up on the net. I've told him I really don't mind as long as he's honest with me about it. Don't pretend like you don't know how that page got in our browser history and blame it on pop-ups or whatever. I'm really not dumb, I know he's lying to me. But the worst happened a few months ago when I found some emails from a 2nd (and secret) facebook acct with 4 or 5 girls that he knew from his past. There was a lot of sex talk (ugh) and even professions of his love. I was of course sickened and when confronted with it, I told him it was over. He told me some great story about how insecure he was and that is was all just "talk" to make himself feel better, he was sorry, etc. It still hasn't gone away from our marriage but I certainly don't bring it up often and we've gone somewhat back to normal (if not even a little better since he really opened up to me). We have a really great sex life and apart from probably wanting more, I feel he's getting good attention from me. As I said, from all appearances things are good for us. I believe him when he tells me he loves me. He seems so sincere and very sorry for the stupid emails from a few months ago. Well, yesterday I found a porn video in our house. When I asked him, he said it was from years ago and he recently just found it in an old box in the garage. I told him I felt he was being secretive again and it brought back the trust that is still broken in me from his past actions. We went into a 2 hour long talk where he's crying and telling me he loves me and would never hurt me, doesn't lie to me, etc. And this morning when taking a closer look at the video, I see the price sticker is dated Jan. 2011. So, again he's lying and I just don't get it. I want to believe him when he tells me nothing is happening and to trust him, but how do you trust someone who keeps lying? I don't know what to think. Sorry if this was long. Please, guys..help me out here!


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## agoodwife (Aug 5, 2011)

I just wanted to add that in the past 8 years we've been together there have been many inconsistencies in his stories and when we were dating, I even had women confront me to tell me he is a cheater. Of course, he's always had an explanation. I feel like I'm the fool here to keep believing in him when there are so many signs that he's not being honest or faithful. I don't want to check his email or phone - things can be deleted and if he had a secret FB account, what's to say I even have his real email address? Besides, I don't want to be a private investigator! I'm a good wife, I've been faithful to him and I don't want to live my life constantly looking over my shoulder or waiting to find something damning on him. I honestly don't have the energy for it. At this point I'd rather be alone than in a marriage I don't believe in. That makes me very sad and feel horrible for our 2 sweet girls that won't have their parents together. He won't go to counseling either...thinks that doesn't help. So, here I am. Left wondering.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Porn doesn't bother me so much unless it's taking away from the sex partners' sex life... 

The facebook though--big problem. Did he delete those facebooks and offer you total transparency?

Who were the women who told you he was cheating on you?


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

My wife doesn't mind the porn.I had a FB account and I deleted because there were alot of people from my past.To be straight forward alot of girls from my past most of which we were just friends.I deleted the account because I didn't want my intentions of being on FB misconstrued.I did enough damage myself in the past.I just want to keep it 100 with her.I also didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or have to worry about what I was I doing because of my past mistakes.Sit him down and make understanding...Understood.Sometimes saying nothing can be interpreted as being okay.


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## agoodwife (Aug 5, 2011)

The porn doesn't bother me either...I even told him I'm into it and let's watch together. But he says that's not something he wants to do and then proceeds to hide it from me. That's what bugs me. Let's just be real here! I know porn is hot. I get it. Since it doesn't take away from us, it isn't a problem (just the hiding aspect). 

The women were 2 girls that were friends with his ex and were still in his circle of friends. They said that when we first dated, there was some overlap and he was seeing us both. He denied it but it made me remember some things in the beginning that were odd. This is ages ago now and we're both different people and have grown and changed a lot since getting married and having kids. I don't dwell on the past often...just when things start feeling weird to me, I guess I get insecure and wonder if I'm just a fool trusting a bad guy.

He did delete the FB page and I emailed the women too and got more info. A few of them were married too and I think they were scared I would tell their husbands. They all said the same thing that there was no sexual contact and they haven't seen each other in years. But I really have no way to prove anything.

That's where I'm left. Feeling in limbo between wanting to believe him and feeling like an idiot who is completely blind. If one of my friends was telling me this story about her husband, I'd think he was a cheater.

I "get it" why he lied to me about the video I found yesterday. It is easier to say it was an old dvd, etc than actually fess up and admit it was a recent purchase. Obviously I wouldn't get as mad. But this is becoming a real problem with honesty and trust. He's supposed to be my best friend and now I feel so distant from him...like I don't even know who he is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds like a cheater. 

I WOULD TELL the other women he was talking to ... tell their husbands. Their husbands have a right to know what they are up to. If you have the proof copy/pasted just private message it to them via Facebook.


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## agoodwife (Aug 5, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He sounds like a cheater.
> 
> I WOULD TELL the other women he was talking to ... tell their husbands. Their husbands have a right to know what they are up to. If you have the proof copy/pasted just private message it to them via Facebook.


I admit it, he really does _sound _ like a cheater. But I have no solid proof. I don't even know how to go about getting that or if I even want to. I"m so tired and I just want to have a happy marriage. I honestly don't know what to do. 

I agree the other men deserve the truth too. I've thought about it plenty. I don't know these guys or how to find them. As far as I'm concerned right now I need to focus on my own mess and figure out what to do.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

agoodwife said:


> But the worst happened a few months ago when I found some emails from a 2nd (and secret) facebook acct with 4 or 5 girls that he knew from his past. There was a lot of sex talk (ugh) and even *professions of his love*.


This is an emotional affair - plain and simple. I understand it's not what you want, no betrayed spouse does, but you've got to treat him like he has cheated on you - because he has. There's lots of info and advice here on what you and he both need to do. He'd rather lie to you than tell you the truth and you are enabling that behavior by not putting forth consequences for it when you catch him. Given that EA, any lie, no matter how little is a big deal. As Jellybeans said, he needs to give you full transparency and openness into everything, social media, email, cell phone - everything. He also has to give you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - period. If you ask him if he brushed his teeth he needs to tell the truth. You also need to do somethings to verify he's telling you everything, things like installing key logger software. 

You must put forward consequences for his lies and then enforce them when you catch him (footnote - be sure you're willing to do so). 

Best of Luck.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Agoodwife, “How can you trust someone who keeps lying?”.

You can’t trust them. It is very simple. You cannot trust them because they lie. Which makes them a liar.

Trust is one of the cornerstones of a happy, long and successful marriage. I reckon it’s impossible to have even a half decent marriage when the trust has gone.

I do not know what “the cure” is for a liar. I don’t even know if there is one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Agoodwife, “How can you trust someone who keeps lying?”.
> 
> You can’t trust them. It is very simple. You cannot trust them because they lie.


Ding ding ding!


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