# Found out that my bf is on antidepressants



## ababila (May 9, 2015)

I've been with my bf for about 15 months, and he moved in with me a few months ago. Things are going really well between us and I love him very, very much.

I always thought that he'd been open to me about everything. I never felt like he kept secrets from me, so I always felt very comfortable. He has quite a few medical issues, and he told me about them fairly early on (within the first month of us being together).

However, just last week, I found that he has been actively taking Prozac. (I was looking for some antihistamines, and ran into a pill bottle of his--it's a generic, but the bottle says right on there that it's a replacement for Prozac.) He has a few bottles, and a new one of refills, so I know he's actively taking them.

He never told me about this. Never told me about any depression or other mental issues.

Mentally, he doesn't behave in a way that suggests that he has depression. (Maybe the Prozac helps, or maybe the Prozac is for something else.) However, now that I know, I see that he does exhibit a lot of the side effects that I read about--waking him during the night, bad dreams, and decreased libido.

I honestly don't have a problem with this, but I'm a little concerned about why he never told me. I can understand that some people don't like to talk about depression, mental issues, etc. But sometimes he would talk at great length about the depression of his friends, and he never once brought this up. Also, we had talked about his lower-than-normal libido, and he had told me that it was because of his other medical issues. Maybe that's true, but surely prozac probably had an effect too, and he never told me.

So I really feel like asking him about this--NOT to confront him about not telling me, but I just want to understand what he's going through. I don't want to have this cloud over me. However, I don't know how to approach the subject, and I don't know if he would be uncomfortable/offended by me bringing it up. (On the other hand, I can't really unsee what I saw, and just forget about it.) I know this might be a sensitive topic, so I do want to make sure that I approach it with caution.

So what do you think I should do?

Thanks for any advice!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So talk to him. Tell him that you found his Prozac while you were looking for something else. that you are disappointed that he did not feel comfortable enough with you to tell you this. It's an important thing and you have the right to know. Say it was gently as you can.

Then ask him to please tell you about his depression.

Then you have to decide if you can live with him having withheld something that important from you. And if you can live with this one more serious issue.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree with EG, you need to talk to him, non confrontational but very openly. I would do it asap.

It is not a good sign that he moved in with you without fully disclosing this, it is a major thing. I would want a full account of what his mental health issues are before deciding on how to proceed or not with the relationship. The long term implications can be quite serious depending on what his issues are and you have every right to understand what you are entering into. If you stay together it should be moving forward as a team, no more secrets.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

You need to understand that there is a huge stigma surrounding taking antidepressants, especially (for some reason) for men. Some folks suggest it has to do with the stereotype for a depressed person running counter to that alpha male we women are supposedly all drooling over. 

Talking about depression is...well...depressing. People don't want to talk about it. People who aren't coping with depression often misunderstand, or judge, or make well-meaning suggestions about how to "cure" it by eating more kale or drinking chamomile tea. To avoid all of that, people learn to hide it, or just not talk about it outside of therapy. And not necessarily something you want to bring up first thing in a relationship. 

Having said that, I would think that since after 15 months you were unaware he was taking them, he was actively hiding it, and the therapy he must be in in order to have the prescription. That is troubling but doesn't surprise me at all. I never talked about my depression with my husband and we were together for a long time. He just didn't understand it, so I stopped trying to explain it to him. 

It will be hard for him to talk about it, so don't be surprised if he will reveal a little at a time about his condition, some of the triggers for it, and how he plans on coping with it while you're living together. Maybe during your initial talk, all he does is admit he suffers from depression and is getting help. Thats something to build on. I would be upfront about how you discovered the bottles, and try to express your disappointment that he didn't tell you earlier very gently.

I guess the question is, have you uncovered other secretive behavior or is he just secretive about this?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am all for openness & honesty when feeling someone out for a relationship.. so I surely understand your feeling "left out in the cold " on this one... like "WHY didn't he tell me !?".. yet I have to agree with Joannaarc's post above too.. and really.. this would NOT be an easy conversation for many people... others may not look at them the same way...

The sexual side effects alone would be troubling to many .... I don't think I could HANDLE that in a partner...I think it could cause colossal sexual issues in the future..if feeling "desired" is important to the other.. (just being honest here)...

Is it always depression though, when this is prescribed ???

I have a friend...she confided in me about her marital struggles... she was dealing with a very high sex drive...in mid life..she was near ready to leave her husband over this (not sure what his issue was).. and because she was loosing her temper, just not handling things well, very stressed out with the kids/ yelling... etc...she went to the Doc, he put her on Prozac (or maybe Zoloft?...I am not sure now)...

Then WOW... it was a turning point...her sex drive was diminished so much.. that put a fork in that issue....and they get along G R E A T !... her moods were better.. the way she talked.. this was like the best thing that could have happened.. ... But I never looked at her as someone who was depressed.. I know her pretty well....


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## ababila (May 9, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> I guess the question is, have you uncovered other secretive behavior or is he just secretive about this?


No. Before this, I've never doubted anything about him, and that's why this is all the more disappointing to me. I've never felt that he kept secrets from me.

I know it is unfair to think that because he kept this from me, he might have kept other secrets from me, but this is something on my mind, which--whether right or not--makes me feel bad.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"Honey, I noticed the Prozac prescription in the medicine cabinet. I didn't realize you took that medication."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> "Honey, I noticed the Prozac prescription in the medicine cabinet. I didn't realize you took that medication."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perfect! 

Although on another note, you may begin to wonder what else he's hiding...In a perfect world, we would all come with a "carfax" . But we all have our issues we need to deal with.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He should have told you about this. You have every right to be upset that he didn't. This is a HUGE thing to withhold from someone.

I understand he may have been concerned about your reaction, and perhaps he was waiting for the right time to bring it up but it never materialised...who knows? Any rate, this needs discussion and he needs to be 100% honest with you, so that you can make an informed decision.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Is it always depression though, when this is prescribed ???
> ..


No not always, I was prescribed Prozac years ago to help with anxiety and I'm pretty sure it's sometimes for OCD.

I agree with everyone talk to him about it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yep, talk to him about it. The reason why he is on it is important. Maybe or maybe not it is a deal breaker reason. But even bigger, the underlying cause might be something really important for you to know about. If he was traumatized as a child it could become a big issue in the future and he might not even understand how or why it is affecting him. But if you know about it, you can steer things back on course easier.

Also, it would be good to understand what kind of evaluation or therapy is or is not involved in this diagnosis. A lot of docs will Rx anti-depressants at the drop of a hat. I am not at all a fan of anti-depressants for the long term. Understanding there are many people who do need and benefit from them, I think ADs are enormously over-prescribed. There are alternatives without the side effects, such as 5-HTP and St. John's Wort which in many people are proven at least as effective as the Rx meds. If it is possible, I would be trying to wean off of the Rx AD onto one of the alternatives.

Finally, yes I would be concerned about him hiding this from you. He has had numerous opportunities to tell you, yet he has chosen not to. This speaks to a basic belief system of his that it is acceptable to keep you in the dark about things. This has been a very large problem in my marriage. You need to nip this in the bud with him by setting a hard boundary. No deceptions, overt or via withholding information.


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