# Just an update



## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry, not trying to just "hear myself talk", but I've been contacted by a couple members wanting to know what has been going on. I am not really 100% sure where my husband and I stand, however, I feel we are making a lot of good progress.

About 3 weeks ago he called and was intoxicated, he had apparently went on my Gmail account that I had left up when I went over there to print something, and found old emails. These were emails I had sent to myself a while ago which contained pictures of the OM since I wasn't able to keep them on my phone. I never deleted them (forgot about them, to be honest). He was shirtless in the pics, but nothing crazy. Well he had gotten angry asking if him and I still talked, and I told him the truth about the pictures and that they were old and we do NOT talk. We got into a small argument which led to the discussion of the divorce paperwork which he printed out like 6 weeks ago, but hadn't filled out. The discussion ended with "fine, it's not that much to fill out, I will do it today and we can get this over with."

It still isn't filled out. The conversation was just the heat of the moment. Well, after that conversation I decided I hate the temporary townhome I am living in, and I wanted a house (various reasons). So I found a beautiful house, and went out and bought all new furniture to furnish it with. I move in this Thursday, and it's a year long lease. It's only 5 miles away from him so it's not too bad. Ever since I told him I am moving from this month-to-month place into a more permanent one, we have been doing extremely well. We see each other daily, go out on dates all the time, and enjoy every minute of each other's company. I "came out" to my friends about our separation and that relieved some stress for me. I am having a little bit of sex with him, but only because I am not trying to go too fast. There is a lot of sexual tension between us, it's kind of like a fun game of anticipation. He kisses me goodbye every time I leave, too. 

I don't really have a plan of action, and he hasn't said anything about reconciliation, but he also hasn't said divorce in a while either. It really, really feels like we are dating. Two days ago while we were in his truck trying to pick up my new washer/dryer, his friend called and he even said "hey I'm with my wife right now" instead of "I'm with Stephanie" which felt really good. I know this could go either way still, but I feel like if we keep this up, we will stay married. I am also falling in love with him all over again, it's like when we first met.

I want to ask him if he has started, even just a little tiny bit, to forgive what I did at all, but at the same time I don't want to ruin what we have right now. It seems like he is slowly forgiving, but who knows. I might be completely wrong about this. It seems like we both don't want to make any life changing decisions right now and just enjoy where we are. I really do appreciate all the help and open ears you guys have offered and I hope in the next year when my lease is up, I will have an awesome story about how we moved back in together. It's kind of nice knowing that I will be some where for one whole year because it makes me feel like we can take things as slowly as they need to, and everything is taken care of. But okay now I am just rambling on. Thanks again!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

This is good. The emails were just a trigger and with seeing naked pictures of the other man i'm surprised at how mild of a trigger it was. 

Most BSs who have seen their WSs still having pictures of their affair partners would go ballistic.

Relationship is looking up, good for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kasler said:


> This is good. The emails were just a trigger and with seeing naked pictures of the other man i'm surprised at how mild of a trigger it was.
> 
> Most BSs who have seen their WSs still having pictures of their affair partners would go ballistic.
> 
> Relationship is looking up, good for you.


Hang on, old chap! OM was sans shirt, not starkers!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

He saw the OM... Wasn't impressed, so that's why it was light...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Glad to hear the update Stephanie. He will probably have a lot of ups and downs, but you seem to be handling them in stride. Are you still continuing in your IC to ensure that if you do reconcile, you do not repeat the same behaviors?


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Dawn D, I have not gone to counseling since July 20th, because I have been extremely focused on school. It's a 4 week semester so it was already hard enough, plus I've been really putting all my effort into it so I am ALWAYS studying (just finished my 4.5 hours for the day) and that's after 8 hour lectures Mon-Thursday lol.

And now that he saw about 5 more pics of the OM, I am finding myself over-analyzing some of our interactions. What I mean, is that in the pictures the OM is very muscular, which is something my husband has always wanted to be. Well, my husband and I are always play-grabbing each other and poking each other, purposely grabbing parts of the body that have excess skin... but now, I feel like what if when I do it to him he might be self-conscious? I don't want to grab his stomach one day when he's bending over, make him think "oh my gosh, she's grabbing my fat, the OM has no fat" or something. I am over-analyzing it I am sure, but I am terrified to make him feel that way ever. I love his body.

I think MattMatt meant the first pictures my husband saw, pics the OM had sent me after getting out of the shower.

But yeah, I am happy with our progress and I hope it continues on this path


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Good to see your update Stephanie.From your post you appear a lot less stressed and confused.Keep it up.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Dawn D, I have not gone to counseling since July 20th, because I have been extremely focused on school. It's a 4 week semester so it was already hard enough, plus I've been really putting all my effort into it so I am ALWAYS studying (just finished my 4.5 hours for the day) and that's after 8 hour lectures Mon-Thursday lol.
> 
> And now that he saw about 5 more pics of the OM, I am finding myself over-analyzing some of our interactions. What I mean, is that in the pictures the OM is very muscular, which is something my husband has always wanted to be. Well, my husband and I are always play-grabbing each other and poking each other, purposely grabbing parts of the body that have excess skin... but now, I feel like what if when I do it to him he might be self-conscious? I don't want to grab his stomach one day when he's bending over, make him think "oh my gosh, she's grabbing my fat, the OM has no fat" or something. I am over-analyzing it I am sure, but I am terrified to make him feel that way ever. I love his body.
> 
> ...


Does your H know about the counseling taking a back seat? I understand classes ( even though I refuse to take summer ones because of the kiddos) and I can understand all that is involved, but by letting the counseling fade that quickly, your actions aren't showing that you are trying to fix yourself to ensure that this doesn't happen again. I know that isn't what you are intending, but it could appear that way to him, just be aware.

He could be a little self conscious about his body, so try to compliment him when you see him. His self esteem took a hit, so try to be the one who is stroking his ego instead of him having to go find someone to do it. Keep on trucking Stephanie. Long road, but it can be done. Good luck in the fall semester too, I am bracing myself for all my classes too LOL.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh he knows how busy I am. I send him pics of all the stuff I am doing (projects, flash cards, ect) and took 5 online quizzes with him sitting next to me the other day. He is amazed I have time to get school done, much less anything else. He understands. Next Thursday is the end of the summer semester so I will have 10 days off, will probably schedule a session during that time. It's just during the week, I have 26 hours of classtime per week, I study on average 20 hours a week at home, I work 11 hours a week, and I spend 13 hours commuting to and from school per week. Then I gotta clean the house, grocery shop/cook, ect. I am crunched for time  

I have been extremely complimentary lately. And not just cause of the pics, I am just really turned on by him. He deserves to hear it anyways  and yep, keep on truckin lol. Good luck to you in the fall semester as well! Just 9 months till graduation here...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Just a suggestion... purge any other OM stuff you can find. Otherwise it looks like you're keeping mementos of the affair.

I know you forgot about them. Just try to think if there are more.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Oh he knows how busy I am. I send him pics of all the stuff I am doing (projects, flash cards, ect) and took 5 online quizzes with him sitting next to me the other day. He is amazed I have time to get school done, much less anything else. He understands. Next Thursday is the end of the summer semester so I will have 10 days off, will probably schedule a session during that time. It's just during the week, I have 26 hours of classtime per week, I study on average 20 hours a week at home, I work 11 hours a week, and I spend 13 hours commuting to and from school per week. Then I gotta clean the house, grocery shop/cook, ect. I am crunched for time
> 
> I have been extremely complimentary lately. And not just cause of the pics, I am just really turned on by him. He deserves to hear it anyways  and yep, keep on truckin lol. Good luck to you in the fall semester as well! Just 9 months till graduation here...


Oh I understand crunched for time all to well. Full load, homework, raising two kids, caring for a house, my autistic son's ABA therapy and OT, school meeting for his IEP's, dinner, groceries. I get it, I truly do. As long as you both are on the same page with what is happening, then that is all that matters.

A lot of the men here made it clear to me that it is very important to compliment your man on only things you know about him. Example: my h takes a lot of pride in keeping the lawn mowed, edged, weedeated, etc. So when I walk outside and hug him when he is all sweaty and tell him how awesome he is at all the landscaping, he lights up. Things like that can truly help him see how you appreciate all aspects of him. hope that made sense


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

S,
Good to see an update from you, I've been wondering how you've been.
Sorry that your marriage is still in a limbo BUT at least he hasn't gone ahead with the D, that means you still have a chance to a real R.
Wishing you lots of luck with your marriage & school, keep on keeping on.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't THINK I have anything else? Knowing me though, I cannot even remember the answers to my security questions, much less if I placed anything anywhere lol!


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## linabronson (Aug 9, 2012)

The emails were just a trigger and with seeing naked pictures of the other man i'm surprised at how mild of a trigger it was.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Take it one day at a time Steph.

And do not push him. Make him feel great as well as yourself.

Rekindle the fire and let it build between you two.

Keep working on you!


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I think maybe you being busy and a bit less available to him could be good for you both - I hope so anyway

You're showing him there's a lot more to Steph than 'cheating wife' and it gets away from 24/7 focus on the 'big issue' which I don't think is ever good

Less time for you to analyse and plan, more winging it and doing what comes naturally - that is good too

I still think you got married too young. You weren't married enough in your head to avoid trouble but there's no reason why you can't have a new, second, all grown up marriage if thats what you both want

It takes time (and time is good for healing) x


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks for the responses!

Today I got the keys to my new place (it was my first time seeing it in person, boy was I nervous!) and it is even more amazing in person. Both my husband and I were shocked... it's a LOT of house for one person lol but I already signed the lease so I am going to enjoy it and myself. He spent the whole evening after work with me just moving furniture from his place to my new one (I only took a few pieces, everything else I bought new and it's getting delivered tomorrow  ). Well, we met one of my neighbors and asked him to help us move our table, and afterwards the neighbor said, "So are you guys married?"... I didn't know what to say, so this is what came out of me "Uhhhhh we areeee----aren't? Arreee-mayybbeee?" and my husband laughed and said "yes, we're married." Now I understand he could have just said that because it was an easy answer, but he could have just as easily said "We're separated" and it probably would have looked less weird lol! Then he saved my new address in his GPS as "wife" so, not Stephanie.

I know these are tiny signs but they give me hope. Then he came back later and we had sex. He will be helping me again after work today. 

BUT, unfortunately, he made the comment of "I need to go for a run tonight and lose some weight" to which I said "No you don't you look sexy" and he said back, "Well apparently now you have a thing for completely ripped men so I need to get buff like your boyfriend was." Ouch. He made a comment like that again an hour later. On the positive side of a sad trigger like that, is he saying he wants me to be attracted to him like that? That's about the only positive thing I can put on that. I reassured him over and over again that I loved him, the same man I've known since I was 16 and I will always love his body.

YellowRoses, I think you are completely right about the unavailability. Also, since I am moving, he seems to want to hang out at my place a lot once I get all my furniture in. That's always nice to hear.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Positive update Steph.

But remember he saw those pictures of the OM. Hence the comments about the abs.

Just reinforce that you love him and that he is sexy just the wy he is.

And be glad he did not see any pictures of the OM from the waist down or he would really have a complex.


You are doing good. Keep working on you. The positive signs are showing!!!


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Stephanie you need to go through every computer file, every e-mail record, every FB post you have ever done since before your affair and make sure all vestiges of the OM are gone. If it takes you days to do then do it. 

Old corpses have a way of floating to the surface of the river. If there is another photo out there that you "forgot" about, it will surface. What if hubby finds it? 

C'mon girl....really. Get it together.


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## Stephanie.Jackson (Jun 22, 2012)

I believe that was the only thing. I really didn't take many pics of the OM. But they are long gone now.

Things really are looking up. He asked if I wanted to go to the lake with him and our dog tomorrow if we have time (still moving furniture). He is actually at my house right now cause he fell asleep on the floor after we ate pizza. I had to go to my apt to take care of my dog and take my meds. Before he fell asleep, he was showing me something on his phone and I saw my name saved under "Ex Wifey" and I made a joking comment about it, and he actually said that it was from when he first found out and he just didn't get around to changing it. But he was extremely cuddly today and we talked about going to each other's houses for dinner a couple nights a week, stuff like that. 

Basically, I am almost at a point of saying I would be shocked if we didn't reconcile if we keep things going like this. I know he is his own person and may throw that curveball at any time, but I am leaning/hoping to the side of him not doing it. Things have been so great lately so I will just keep trying. 

What's a good "thank you" gift for a man who just helped move a bunch of furniture??? Besides pizza, sex, and beer which have already been established lol.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As a BH, I'm rooting for you Stephanie. I sincerely hope you get to R.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

How about a simple note or card thanking him for moving your stuff and dealing with all your [email protected] Lol.

The key is to make him laugh at the same time telling him that you love him and only him.

Keep going Steph. You are doing good.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stephanie

Also go through your clothes and lingere and dump in the trash everything you wore for the OM. Everything.

Rewearing lingere used for the affair is a nasty thing you do not want to do.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I am not the type of person that says "told ya so" but I DID tell you so LOL!! I knew he would start to come around, you are doing the right things! Continue with encouraging and complimenting him and he will eventually get over the OM pics.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Any new update? how thing are going?


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