# Sexually Frustrated, twice over.



## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

I'm not quite sure how to start, but this is a problem that has been present for a few years, but very recently it seems to have gotten the better of me. In the past I've been able to rationalize the problem, make myself feel bad for being frustrated, or in general bottle the feelings up... but for the last month or so I feel like its been on my mind constantly, weighing me down.

My wife and I are both 30 years old and have been married for close to 10 years (and been together for 13 years.. since right after high school), and we have no children.

For the first few years of our relationship our sex was fine, bordering on great at times, even if it was a bit vanilla. I was young, and just happy to be there! As time went on our sex stayed the same, and I even felt like it backslid a bit. It happened less frequently, and often without the same gusto as before (I have always chalked it up to a normal thing to happen in long term relationships if allowed to go unchecked). This trend continued all the way until the present. Sex has become extremely predictable: kissing (and no other foreplay) leads to undressing ourselves and getting into our bed (always), intercourse, and by the time I'm done cleaning up she is asleep (just about every time). 

Over the years I've done a bit of research on how to help get over humps like this, and it always comes back to the idea that communication is key. This seems totally reasonable, so I attempted it... several times. I have attempted to bring it up bluntly, to which I woke up late at night with her sobbing and feeling like a bad lover (which has never been my intention). I have attempted to bring it up gently, asking if we try something new (to which she replied wasn't really into, and I absolutely don't want to put pressure onto her to do something she doesn't want to, so I backed off quite quickly). I have asked her if there were any ways she would like to try improving our sex life, or if she had any fantasies she would like to try (she responded that she liked the way we had sex, and had no fantasies). I have even tried going with the natural flow of an encounter, making something new seem very organic (this utterly confused her and the sexual encounter stopped dead in it's tracks). All of this is not to say that I have been completely unhappy with my sexual relationship for years. For the most part I still do enjoy the sex with my wife, but if have just felt woefully unsatisfied at the same time. Recently this feeling of dissatisfaction has grown to the point it spoils what enjoyment I have previously been able to have, and I can't seem to shake it.

To make matters worse, biology seems to have made the matters worse. Starting about 3 years ago her menstrual cycle has not acting as it should (I apologize, I'm not a doctor to give medical terms or diagnosis). Her menstrual flow began lasting longer than a typical 5-7 days. The past year it has gotten particularly worse, typically lasting between 2 and 3 weeks at a time. This effectively leaves us with around 1 week a month in which sex is a realistic option (but as we both work, not to mention she is physically drained from her cycle, we typically have sex on average about once, maybe twice a month). 

She has been to doctors and had several tests done to reveal it is a hormone imbalance (there appears to be no larger, more critical health implications), that can be easily remedied by taking a birth control pill. When the doctor suggested birth control as a way to fix the problem she tried it and it worked; however, quickly my wife decided to no longer take the prescription. This was not due to any religious or moral objections, simply she does not enjoy taking medicine (all the way down to aspirin for headaches). She believed that after 2 months of having a proper cycle her body would naturally right itself... within 2 months the problem was as bad as it had ever been. I feel guilty, but this has really frustrated me. Not just because it severely limits the time I can be intimate with my wife (because I realize not having sex is an inconsequential problem compared to the discomfort and general hassle she must feel on a daily basis), but because she knows of a way to fix the problem, but refuses to do so (and I know that it is not my body and I have no right to tell her what she should or should not do with it).

This brings me to where I am today. I alternate between feelings of "I would really love to have more sex, but not _that_ sex", and guilt for feeling that way. Before when I have had these feelings I have tried to rationalize them away (I'm being selfish, be happy for what sex I do have, etc), and it has somewhat put them at bay. Now, even if I can still see the rational side of things, I can't help be feel frustrated. I appreciate anybody that made it through my long-winded post. Any type of advice or approach that I haven't yet taken would be appreciated. Thank you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks for the trip into the Way Back Machine to me when I was 30.

Would you care for a trip ahead 20 years, on the premise that you're still married? Since you've nodded your head yes, buckle up.

Your sex life is FTMP the same. You may have found a couple of new things to do that you've worked into your routine over the next couple of decades - probably a new position or two. You're not getting any oral sex (assuming you're not getting any now), you're not giving any either. You have sex 2 or 3 times a month, it lasts 15-20 minutes, and it's almost always the same. 

In the meantime, one of two things has happened - it's a little cloudy in the crystal on this one. You've either come to accept your wife for what she is, a basic vanilla girl who is willing to "go to the mat" for you but will never purr when you stroke her fur, or you've come to resent her so much that you can hardly muster any feelings for sex any longer because, well, it just ain't that much fun.

Other outcomes are possible, but all fall into the sorta single-digit probability bins, and so are not worth mentioning here. Cynical outlook? No, realistic. You may hope for better, but you should be prepared for the worst. You have a chronic case of sexual incompatibility, and there's currently no cure known to man with any reliability.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP--have her check in to endometrial ablation.

Edit--only do this if you don't want any more kids. It basically microwaves her uterine walls so they will no longer accept an egg. Upside is, periods generally stop or are severely reduced.


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## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

Cletus - Cynical or realistic, it certainly is a bleak scenario you described (even if you did already describe things that happen now). I guess I was hoping there was a way to help sexual incompatibility that was unknown to me. Essentially from what you wrote, I feel like you are suggesting only two options: Accept her terms for sex and deny what comes naturally to me, or completely go the opposite way until it starts affecting other parts of my relationship. Neither option has any sort of compromise, and doesn't seem like the basis for a great marriage (I hope that doesn't sound like a personal jab; I don't know your story, I'm just saying this in general)

Fozzy - We are somewhat undecided on having children at the moment. Sometimes we want children, sometimes we feel like we would be content without (and sometimes it just seems like a moot point). Until we know we don't want have children this isn't quite an option, but I appreciate the idea.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

J.Pon789 said:


> Cletus - Cynical or realistic, it certainly is a bleak scenario you described (even if you did already describe things that happen now). I guess I was hoping there was a way to help sexual incompatibility that was unknown to me. Essentially from what you wrote, I feel like you are suggesting only two options: Accept her terms for sex and deny what comes naturally to me, or completely go the opposite way until it starts affecting other parts of my relationship. Neither option has any sort of compromise, and doesn't seem like the basis for a great marriage (I hope that doesn't sound like a personal jab; I don't know your story, I'm just saying this in general)


Never say never, because some couples do manage to figure this out to everyone's satisfaction. But, as every honest sex therapist will tell you, they are not in the majority. 

People have a natural baseline interest in sex and a built in comfort zone on what constitutes acceptable sexual behavior. You can push around the edges a little bit and get some improvement, but most just can't bridge a gap as wide as the one you're describing. She will have to learn to give some, and you'll have to learn to accept a lot less if you're going to meet in the middle. Except the middle probably will wind up being closer to her ideal than to yours. 

But I am also here to tell you that it does not have to mean the end of your marriage. Maybe there is no shortcut to the Land of Acceptance, so my words are pointless, but the key to understanding your wife is that, more likely than not, she's just being who she is, with no malice towards you - just as you're being who you are. Folks here will give you ample advice on things to try to crack her inner sex goddess, including things that you may have to take on that might be missing, and you should take what sounds reasonable and apply it. 

Good luck, and if it doesn't work out, pay it forward to the next guy.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Before you have kids you need to know 3 things with 100% certainty. 

1. You won't change her. 
2. She won't change herself.
3. You're perfectly fine living with 1 and 2.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yeah, don't have kids unless you're already content with your sex life. It ONLY gets worse after kids.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Though things look bleak at the moment, I'll be a little more positive. Things CAN change, but it takes two, as they say.

Lets start with the most obvious, basic reasoning behind why things are they way they are - you've been with the same person for 13 years, which is not THAT long, however it's been since you two were 17, 18 years old.

I've said it here before, I'll say it again - being with the same person for your entire adult life is not ideal. Yes, it's romantic and sweet and all that, but there are almost always issues that arise from this. They invariably have to do with sex.

The theory (and I think it's more than a theory) is that the late teens/mid-20's are "supposed" to be for experimenting within relationships. This does not mean "sleep with everyone you can" or "date 50 people". What it does mean, however, is one should get to know ones self AND figure out what one wants in a partner. Being single is very under-rated, as are having casual relationships with people you know you won't marry.

Sex, and sexual compatibility are often overlooked early on. How does one know what they really want if they don't have the experience to fall back on?

I may be biased, I admit, as I followed this same path. Was with my ex wife from late teens to early 30's. One of the things she said to me when we split up was "I lost my 20's" (like that was my fault...). But she was right. We went from a teenage relationship and all the things that go with it, to an adult relationship in one fell swoop. We had many good years together, lots of adventures, but at the end of the day, we were both missing something - experience. And more apt: experienceS.

When I met my now-wife, I had a hard time at first hearing about her past experiences and adventures, as I didn't have any of my own. All of my stories and memories and interesting things all included my ex wife in some capacity, whereas hers included different people - the way it "should" be.

That's the sad reality - we need these life experiences to understand who we are, what we want, and where we're going. Without them, we end up in a rut that is often inescapable.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Dude, do not have a child with her. You're already unsatisfied and it WILL get worse after she becomes a mother.

Most of the conventional marriage advice on this issue is a black hole, e.g., "communicate more". As you have seen, this goes nowhere. In fact, very often it makes things worse, because you come off as trying to negotiate your way into getting more/better sex.

The extent of your communication should be to make clear once that you're not satisfied with your sex life and things need to change. That should be the end of the discussion and following that, only actions count.

And the corrective actions do not just fall on her. You must take an objective, hard look at yourself. What is unattractive about you? There is something. Fix it. If you have truly examined yourself in this way, fixed your own sh*t, made clear to your wife that she needs to step up and she then does nothing, then you need to leave her.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

In reply to alexm, I will outline an alternate path to his proposal of multiple experiences in search of sexual fulfillment. It involves accepting what you have and making choices that serve a higher purpose. This higher purpose does not need to be opposed to a persons best interest, but it will not be in service of their best interest. Change what you can, accept what you can't, and spend your days making the world a better place. This path is not often fun or filled with happiness, but it can be fulfilling if you can keep resentment from creeping in.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ummmm, no kids for 10 years with no birth control. What makes you think you can have kids?

I'm much more concerned with the health problem she is going through. My sister and my wife have been through this (after children) With her refusing medication it is only a matter of time before an emergency hysterectomy. 

As to the incompatibility. She thinks she is happy with the relationship now, she really needs to consider if she would be happy with an emotionally detached (unavailable / absentee) husband. I don't think either one of you realize how close you are to this.


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## Propel (Aug 1, 2014)

Its a difficult problem. Continue gentle persistence? Proactively suggest things you'd like to try; the broken record technique. Followed by rewarding later if it happens. An alternative is trading, getting something you want in exchange for something she wants. You've known her a long time so, you probably know what method of persuasion works on her. As long as the relationship benefits and doesn't cause resentment of course.


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## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> And the corrective actions do not just fall on her. You must take an objective, hard look at yourself. What is unattractive about you? There is something. Fix it. If you have truly examined yourself in this way, fixed your own sh*t, made clear to your wife that she needs to step up and she then does nothing, then you need to leave her.


That is 100% true. I freely admit I’m not as fit as I could be, nor am I the best lover in the world; what I am is completely willing to try to better myself. It’s the willingness to change and make the situation better on her part that seems to be the most disappointing/frustrating to me. I don’t expect hot, crazy sex all the time. Vanilla sex can be great at times. Its comfortable, (for the most part) gets the job done, and can make the spicy times seem extra spicy. You are right though, if my situations leads to any kind of final sit-down and talk, I need to be on the top of my game.



MYM1430 said:


> Change what you can, accept what you can't, and spend your days making the world a better place. This path is not often fun or filled with happiness, but it can be fulfilling if you can keep resentment from creeping in.


I appear to be having a problem completely accepting this. I am a very logical and realistic person; its what drives me. Part of that has always been accepting that which I cannot change. In this particular instance I have tried several times to accept the situation. It seems that each time I feel like I’ve accepted it eventually the feelings come back (and recently they come back quicker). I suppose the argument is that I have not fully accepted this fact, even if not for lack of trying. I think part of my problem is that I would feel that completely accepting it would mean that I am accepting that I don’t deserve to be happy, and I’m not quite there yet. I think I’m a good husband, I’m reasonable and understanding; I don’t think I would be content putting my happiness aside (and I don’ think I deserve to, either).



Mr. Nail said:


> Ummmm, no kids for 10 years with no birth control. What makes you think you can have kids?


Well, just because my wife doesn’t care to use birth control doesn’t mean we haven’t taken other precautions throughout the years, but I do see your point. What makes me think we can still have kids is that when my wife went to the doctor fertility was among her chief concerns. The doctors said there appeared to be nothing that would affect her fertility long term, and I have no reason to believe otherwise at the moment. It has been a bit of time, so checking in with the doctor or getting a second opinion is not necessarily a bad idea.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

J.Pon789 said:


> That is 100% true. I freely admit I’m not as fit as I could be, nor am I the best lover in the world; what I am is completely willing to try to better myself. It’s the willingness to change and make the situation better on her part that seems to be the most disappointing/frustrating to me. I don’t expect hot, crazy sex all the time. Vanilla sex can be great at times. Its comfortable, (for the most part) gets the job done, and can make the spicy times seem extra spicy. You are right though, if my situations leads to any kind of final sit-down and talk, I need to be on the top of my game.


I think you already get this, but intentions are really meaningless. Everyone has the best intentions.

If you are giving yourself a pat on the back simply because you are willing to change, but have not actually changed, then you are just deceiving yourself. All your wife sees is what is in front of her-- the same you.

The idea that she should change probably will never even occur to her unless you have already made a dramatic change in yourself. 

That is why I say this is a very long game that will initially be frustrating because you know all of the effort you are putting in, but seeing none from her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She sounds a little manipulative. It's all, seemingly, your problem to solve per her "I don't know I just don't know....". But it sounds like she's more or less where she wants to be. Not more sex not more exciting sex. Just this, this way. One week/month is better than most.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MYM1430 said:


> In reply to alexm, I will outline an alternate path to his proposal of multiple experiences in search of _sexual fulfillment_.


Wrong words.

"Relationship experience" is what I was getting at. If sex is part of that, then so be it.

Bottom line, I am a huge advocate (having been there myself) of figuring out what you want, what you don't want, and what is necessary in a relationship BEFORE you get married.

Otherwise, and I speak from experience, one often ends up settling for the only thing they know. Then they wake up one day and realize it.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Does her period really last 2-3 weeks and she is of childbearing age? That can't be healthy at all. If she is being truthful, you either have to accept rare sexual encounters or find someone who will work with you to give you both a fulfilling sex life. Good luck!


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Sorry if this is an odd question, but is it you or her who doesn't want to have sex during her period? Just sayin, but sex feels really good for the woman during her period. It helps with cramps too. If the idea of blood turns you off, I would suggest the Instead soft cups. They go around the cervix during her period and catches all the blood. You can have sex like normal. I feel like this might drastically improve your sex life if you don't have to fit it all into one week. Heck I'm in my early 20s and I've always found a way to have sex during my period. lol! 

Also, is missionary the only position you do? She will most likely be open to a more adventurous sex life if you become extremely romantic outside the bedroom. Flowers, gifts, doing the dishes, sending her a text telling her how much you love her, massage, just holding in your arms for like an hour, just sitting and making out passionately without it leading to sex, just holding her during it. I will say that many women only like a few positions because it makes them feel like they are "making love" rather than f***ing. A position that still makes me feel like I'm making love is from behind with him holding me during it to where is face is next to mine and he kisses me, not just staying behind and staring at my tail. He gets the position he likes, and I'm being held! Win/win.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> She will most likely be open to a more adventurous sex life if you become extremely romantic outside the bedroom. Flowers, gifts, doing the dishes, sending her a text telling her how much you love her, massage, just holding in your arms for like an hour, just sitting and making out passionately without it leading to sex, just holding her during it.


It would be so nice if this approach actually worked.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> It would be so nice if this approach actually worked.


A woman can tell if a man is doing it half-hearted or if he means it.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I'm sure she can.

It doesn't mean your suggested approach actually works though.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> It would be so nice if this approach actually worked.


ever


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