# Co Parenting with an unreasonable Ex Girlfriend



## wallly (May 8, 2012)

I have been with my wife for 5 years married for 2 1/2. My wife has been actively involved with raising my daughter her now step daughter since we first got visitation when my daughter was 7 months old. My daughter is now 5 years old and my ex refuses to let my wife play an active role in raising my daughter.

She constantly makes comments about why does my wife need to be at school meetings, events etc. She also demands that any meetings we have about improving our co parenting relationship be held with out my wife.

My wife is very close with my daughter and has been since day 1. She has taken my daughter under her wing just as if it was her own. 

I am almost at my wits end with trying to help my ex understand that accepting my wife into this relationship will only help us to raise our daughter better together. My daughter loves her step mom to death and treats her just like its her real mom.

Any advice on what we can do to try to make my ex realize she is being unreasonable and unfair to our daughter by trying to exclude her step mom?


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Let me make an educated guess for more background.

You are the one that ended the relationship with your EX. You are now in a healthy, happy relationship. She has been in and out of a few unhealthy relationships since the breakup, and none of them she has dated were interested or able to commit to a long-term relationship and help raise the child with her.

Am I close?


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

You hit it right on the head lol she has not had any long term relationships since the break up. I keep hoping that she will get into one some time soon but that doesnt look like its going to happen. 

I am not trying to act like I am a saint either, there have been plenty of times i let my emotions get the best of me but the bottom line is that its not about me and my ex its about raising my daughter. I cant get her to realize that for the life of me!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Doing the math makes it seem very likely that your W was the other woman in your previous relationship. Is that a factor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

wallly said:


> You hit it right on the head lol



Glad to know all those books and years in school taught me a few things!!!

It's likely that she will not overcome her envy and jealously issues until she is also in a healthy, happy relationship, and maybe not even then.

I would suggest continuing on your course of action of raising you child together with your wife in a consistent and loving manner.

Good luck.


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

Nope lol that was definitely not the case. I met my W after we broke up.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> Doing the math makes it seem very likely that your W was the other woman in your previous relationship. Is that a factor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I would surmise that it's in the realm of possibility, but based on the limited info in the OP original post, I wouldn't classify it as "very likely".


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

wallly said:


> My daughter loves her step mom to death and treats her just like its her real mom.QUOTE]
> 
> Im no expert in this field, but perhaps this is the problem.
> 
> ...


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> Doing the math makes it seem very likely that your W was the other woman in your previous relationship. Is that a factor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is definitely no the case in this situation. I met my wife and we began dating after my ex and I broke up. 

My ex was actually pregnant with my daughter when I met my wife.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She constantly makes comments about why does my wife need to be at school meetings, events etc. She also demands that any meetings we have about improving our co parenting relationship be held with out my wife


Your Ex is jealous of your wife and your happy relationship.

All she has to hold your attention is your daughter, so she's using that any way she can to hold onto you. 

Negative attention is still attention, and for some people if that's all they can get it's better than nothing.


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

JJG said:


> wallly said:
> 
> 
> > My daughter loves her step mom to death and treats her just like its her real mom.QUOTE]
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> My ex responded that she is willing to talk if i want to talk to her by ourselves but she would not be open to having a conversation with my wife included


Course not. It's like rubbing salt into the wound. 

She wants YOU. Your wife is in the way of that.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

This is a very sensitive situation for all involved.

I dont think it is fair to just paint her as the 'evil ex' as this has to be a tough situation for her.

I think the best course of action is to keep all decisions relating to your daughter between you and her mother. I was under the impression that this was the usual practise for this situation. I do think her mother is fully within her rights to request this set up.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

What, if any, power does your ex have over you? Is there a solid custody plan in place? If so, I think you should stop considering your ex's feelings toward your W. Bring your W to every function she'd like to attend. If your ex emails you to complain about it, don't respond. If she manages to catch you in person or on the phone, nicely tell her it's not up for discussion. Repeat if necessary. You need to show her she is not a consideration in your marriage and that your W will come first.

I understand where your ex is coming from. I'm sure it's scary having another woman parent her child, but she needs to accept it. Hopefully once you've shown her that your W is #1 she'll back off and respect your new family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

JJG said:


> I think the best course of action is to keep all decisions relating to your daughter between you and her mother. I was under the impression that this was the usual practise for this situation. I do think her mother is fully within her rights to request this set up.


I agree with this. Co-parenting meetings should be between you and your ex. Never at either of your houses or in a date-like setting, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't think she's the evil ex... she's a hurt individual. Hurt people hurt people.

The meeting isn't (from what I understand) about co-parenting. It's about everyone getting along and hammering out differences of opinion so that everyone is civil. There are 3 parents here. They all should collaborate.


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

JJG said:


> This is a very sensitive situation for all involved.
> 
> I dont think it is fair to just paint her as the 'evil ex' as this has to be a tough situation for her.
> 
> I think the best course of action is to keep all decisions relating to your daughter between you and her mother. I was under the impression that this was the usual practise for this situation. I do think her mother is fully within her rights to request this set up.





WhereAmI said:


> What, if any, power does your ex have over you? Is there a solid custody plan in place? If so, I think you should stop considering your ex's feelings toward your W. Bring your W to every function she'd like to attend. If your ex emails you to complain about it, don't respond. If she manages to catch you in person or on the phone, nicely tell her it's not up for discussion. Repeat if necessary. You need to show her she is not a consideration in your marriage and that your W will come first.
> 
> I understand where your ex is coming from. I'm sure it's scary having another woman parent her child, but she needs to accept it. Hopefully once you've shown her that your W is #1 she'll back off and respect your new family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have had a parenting plan in place since my daughter was 7 months old and she is now 5. I pay CS and we have joint custody and a pretty descent sharing model, I believe I get about 40% over nights each month. 

I usually am the one that is involved in decisions regarding our daughter, I do obviously consult with my wife most times but my ex probably doesnt know that. 

I guess what I am more meaning is that she basically just wants to disregard my wife all together and I really feel like my wife has gone above and beyond for my daughter for almost 5 years now. 

I wish there was a solution to helping my ex realize that it would actually benefit her more to actually have a relationship with my wife and to let our daughter see that. 

My wife would probably communicate with her alot better than I do if they were ever able to have an amicable relationship.


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

the meeting I have mentioned was actually more so we can all 3 communicate better, not really about any specific decisions regarding my daughter. 

My ex and I have just not been getting along lately and I would like to improve the situation.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I think perhaps your expectations are too high in this situation. Having your ex become friends with your current wife (and vice versa) is a big ask. I dont know anyone who has managed it.

I know that in an ideal world we would all be the bigger person and 'do it for the children', but we do not live in an ideal world and peoples emotions will always get in the way.

I think from the day you broke up with your gf you were destined to play the go between as many people have to . . . . thats just the way it is.

Just be glad that your wife and daughter have such a great relationship, some people dont even have that much!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

wallly said:


> the meeting I have mentioned was actually more so we can all 3 communicate better, not really about any specific decisions regarding my daughter.
> 
> My ex and I have just not been getting along lately and I would like to improve the situation.


Like someone else mentioned... it's going to take her to have a healthy happy relationship of her own to alter her mood. She can't move on and be accepting of your wifes presence until she has what you have. Even then, there are those people that move on and STILL are bitter and refuse to play along nicey nicey (my ex for example). 

Try not to let her get to you and your wife. You're going to have to be strong for all of you.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

JJG said:


> I think perhaps your expectations are too high in this situation. Having your ex become friends with your current wife (and vice versa) is a big ask. I dont know anyone who has managed it.


I don't perceive that he is asking for them to be friends. I believe he is hoping for a more open line of communication between them as it concerns his daughter, instead of negativity, anger, jealously, and envy. 
It has been done millions of times all over the world. It is not only good for the children, but exponentially better for the adults as well.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

MadeInMichigan said:


> I don't perceive that he is asking for them to be friends. I believe he is hoping for a more open line of communication between them as it concerns his daughter, instead of negativity, anger, jealously, and envy.
> It has been done millions of times all over the world. It is not only good for the children, but exponentially better for the adults as well.


Like i said, in an ideal situation everyone would get along for the sake of the children, but that doesnt always happen.

Yes people do do it all the time all over the world and thats great. But the world is also full of people who cant do it. Thats just how it goes.

Things dont always go exactly how we want them to, we just have to make the best of it.


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## wallly (May 8, 2012)

Thanks everyone for all of your advice, I guess I could be asking for too much. Its just difficult for me because I really dont have any negativity in my life other than the relationship with my ex. 

I just always keep trying to find a way to make this less aggravating, it could always be worse though. I am grateful I have an amazing wife that can help me raise my daughter and that my daughter is doing great! 

I guess there is no easy solution!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

wallly said:


> Thanks everyone for all of your advice, I guess I could be asking for too much. *Its just difficult for me because I really dont have any negativity in my life other than the relationship with my ex. *I just always keep trying to find a way to make this less aggravating, it could always be worse though. I am grateful I have an amazing wife that can help me raise my daughter and that my daughter is doing great!
> 
> I guess there is no easy solution!


I know exactly how you feel.

My ex was a thorn in our side for YEARS. My children are grown now, with my youngest turning 19 this year. It honestly didn't get OK until he was about 17 1/2. Him having his own cell phone helped me deal tremendously... lol

The less I interacted with the ex, the better we all were. It's really tough when they're young though. School activities... OY. Instead of a happy time of supporting my child, I was riddled with anxiety that I'd have to deal with crazy and yet again be the bigger and more rational person. My husband was my balm during those times. My rock. The voice of calm and reason at all times. Thank goodness for that!!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I agree with this. Co-parenting meetings should be between you and your ex. Never at either of your houses or in a date-like setting, though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree also. You and your ex are the parents with the say so on how the child is raised.

Beyond that, make sure nothing is being said in your daughter's presence that might make her think worse of her mother.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

wallly said:


> I usually am the one that is involved in decisions regarding our daughter, I do obviously consult with my wife most times but my ex probably doesnt know that.
> 
> I guess what I am more meaning is that she basically just wants to disregard my wife all together and I really feel like my wife has gone above and beyond for my daughter for almost 5 years now.


Your ex without a doubt knows that you consult your wife. And I doubt she expects you to disregard your wife altogether. But, it's the manner in which it's done that is key.

They key is to remember that your wife has no direct say so in your daughter's affairs. Being a good role model to and respectful of your daughter is fine. Any sort of explicit or implicit criticism of your ex's parenting from your wife is wholly inappropriate.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I don't think she's the evil ex... she's a hurt individual. Hurt people hurt people.
> 
> The meeting isn't (from what I understand) about co-parenting. It's about everyone getting along and hammering out differences of opinion so that everyone is civil. There are 3 parents here. They all should collaborate.


Umm, no. There are only two parents here. Having the new wife think she has standing equal to her own mother is completely inappropriate.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Your wife is her step-mother, which technically makes her a legal guardian. Your ex needs to get used to it. Do you have joint custody or just visitation? I would take her to court if you don't already have joint custody and make it known that she is not cooperative with efforts to co parent.


I would get it on record that your ex is being difficult. You never know when she might try saying that you and /or your wife are abusing your daughter.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

DTO said:


> Umm, no. There are only two parents here. Having the new wife think she has standing equal to her own mother is completely inappropriate.


Yeah, this.

Your wife shouldn't be involved in parenting decisions. Your ex doesn't have to accept another woman acting as mother to her child, your child has a mother and I'm assuming you have a joint care arrangement, not that you and your wife have sole care.

Think how you might have felt, if the situation were reversed. If it was you who was single and your daughter had another man as a father-figure from when she was 7 months old. One who felt he was as much of a father as you were. 

Your ex has no obligation to make it easier for your wife to be a third parent to her and your child. Set up some better boundariies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Yeah, this.
> 
> *Your wife shouldn't be involved in parenting decisions.* Your ex doesn't have to accept another woman acting as mother to her child, your child has a mother and I'm assuming you have a joint care arrangement, not that you and your wife have sole care.
> 
> ...


But since she shares the household with the father of the child, I would imagine that she should be involved with parenting execution. What do you want the stepmother to do? Pretend the child doesn't exist? Is this situation significantly different from an aunt and uncle taking on the role _in loco parentis._


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## inthematrix (Jun 17, 2012)

I so live both ends of the spectrum of this situation, both have valid points. No matter how much sense it makes that mom should except step mom. You know it bothers her. She's been vocal about it. And theres no changing it.
My child has a step father that fits that bill, except I don't let him get to me. He even went so far as to get mom in court in front of me to get more time with my daughter, as if he had the right to say anything about my visitation.
In the end, you'll both need each others cooperation in the future for some function or more time with the child or family emergency, vacations etc. Keep those things in mind when you completely disregard the other parents concerns or wishes no matter how immature those might be.
Your right, mom is being silly, but it's really not worth the cost of going back to court over the principal? *L*
That's the way I always look at it.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

My husband and I have much the same situation.

A very very nutty ex and believe me, it doesn't take any provocation.

For the sake of the kids, I leave the parenting discussions between my husband and his ex wife.

My husband and I discuss what is important to us before hand and he will not make important decisions with his ex regarding the kids that affect me directly without first talking to me about them.

I attend sporting events, school plays etc, but not the parental discussions between the two of them.

It's win win, because it keeps the peace and I don't have to deal with her at all.

With the parent/teacher nights, we do those separately and the school is happy to accommodate. She attends an interview with the teachers to discuss progress and my husband and I attend a separate one and the teachers have been wonderful in facilitating that.

With my husbands ex, it is definitely a case of jealousy. I was not the other woman. I met my husband a year after they separated.

Some people just don't know how to move on.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

I just want to add that I think it's wonderful that your wife has a great relationship with your kids and that you seem to be very supportive in fostering that relationship.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't have time at the moment to give a good answer as your situation is too complex to address in just a few sentences. I'll come back later to reply, though.


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