# Compatibility and Obligation



## WaitingForChange (Jul 16, 2015)

Here is my history:

I met my husband in 2005 and got married in 2007. In 2009 we had twins who are now 7. 

The major areas of conflict have been as follows. 
-I was drinking too much: since I was a teenager and started to be sexually active, and problematically for the 2-3 years up until mid-2013, when I stopped completely. No drinking for me for over 3 years now.
-He was raging and violent: not physically with me or the kids, but he has – punch holes in walls, broken things (usually his own but sometimes a jointly owned item, or one time one of the kids’ books), and been very angry and then also sullen/withdrawn. 
-We have a very hard time managing money together. I pay all the bills; I am the saver and he is the spender. Due to a variety of reasons we ended up filing for bankruptcy a few years ago, and still paying the price for that on several levels. (I used to “walk on water” as a bank lender once told my husband early in our relationship about my credit score and history.)
-We have very different views about conflict resolution, and about gun control or lack thereof (in a nutshell he is pro “gun culture”; I am against).
-I have issues communicating my feelings and being brave about that. So hard for me to deal with conflict. 
___

After having quit drinking for 6 months, I believe that I started to wake up, gain clarity, and – along with the perspective of a close family member – realized that I and the kids don’t deserve to be treated this way. I picked up my kids on a Friday afternoon from pre-school, went to a friend’s house, and left a note asking my husband to leave. 

He was out of the house for two months, during which time: 

-He went to a HMO-based anger management class
-Joined a group that teaches about alternatives to violence, which he attended almost weekly for about 2 years
-Started going to marriage counseling with me (which I had asked him to do and he never agreed to)
-Started taking responsibility for his issues
-Got his handgun out of the house

I was so relieved to have him out of the house, but allowed him back after 2 months – partly for financial reasons, and partly because I felt I had to due to his apparently serious attempts at change. I wasn’t sure what was best for the kids. 

My husband and I have come a long way since all this went down. We are better at communicating, and he is gentler and more reflective about his parenting. 

So where I am now is that – even though he is very loving in many ways, and is working pretty hard to improve himself - he still: 
-Is quite critical of other people, politicians, social trends
-Has his handgun (and also now a new hunting rifle) back in the house (albeit in a safe that only he can open)
-Is pretty self-centered: often doesn’t ask how our days went; spends lots of time on his phone or computer doing who knows what; pushes for the kids to drop whatever they are doing when he gets home to acknowledge his grand entry
-is paranoid about the intentions of the government to take away our guns and then “do whatever they want”
-is pretty negative about just stuff in general. He has lost contact with pretty much all the friends he had when I met him and in the early years of our relationship; they just quick responding to his calls, texts and emails. 

More superficially, but still bothersome, is that he listens to music that is often angry in tone, and that uses rough language that feels really negative to me. 

I am really torn about what to do. Divorce is so expensive, so exhausting, and so hard on everyone. But, I am not happy here most of the time. 

I wonder if I can change my attitude! Everyone says we are responsible for our own happiness. I find it quite challenging to remain hopeful and positive when there is such negativity in the house, even though it’s not all the time it’s often, and very unpredictable. So I always feel on edge, never knowing when he will snap at me about something that has nothing to do with me. 

This all feels like the bare minimum information, but I have wanted to reach out here for some time, and at least hopefully this is a place to start. 

Thanks in advance for your frank thoughts on my situation. I am open to questioning my own part in this! Given that he is not really abusive to my kids or I, that he doesn’t drink really at all, no signs of infidelity, and with the apparent (albeit slow) trend towards change, do I just buck up and sleep in the bed I created? 

Mostly, is this what is best for the kids??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am a huge believer in that what is best for the kids is what make their parents happy. WHATEVER that is. And by 'happy', I mean TRUE happiness. Contentment, joy with life, a smile on your face most of the time.

Are you happy? Is your husband happy? Are you happy together? No, you aren't.

So what WOULD make you happy? What would make your husband happy?


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## WaitingForChange (Jul 16, 2015)

A few more things that may show my views better:

-Although we both work he really does almost nothing around the house, from dishes, to other cleaning, to fixing things that need fixing (even though he is in the trades);

-I have been loath to continue to try to get a joint budget together (I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey). He barely understands the concept of a regular budget, let alone a "zero-dollar" one (where each dollar get's allocated, so you know where your money goes!). And, he hasn't made it a priority to educate himself.

-We have no life insurance, no will, and literally only pennies put away for the kids' future. He hasn't helped look into any of that, and I am so exhausted with everything else I haven't been able to buck up and handle those things. So irresponsible! 

-I am back to seeing my long-term therapist, who will see me for whatever I can pay - she took me through the scary separation time. She thinks now that he has not been going to the men's anti-violence group that he is backsliding some, with the focus on gun culture and paranoia. She thinks I just need to focus on saving money until I can get myself out of here.

Just some more info, to give you a more clear picture.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So what would make you happy?


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## WaitingForChange (Jul 16, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> I am a huge believer in that what is best for the kids is what make their parents happy. WHATEVER that is. And by 'happy', I mean TRUE happiness. Contentment, joy with life, a smile on your face most of the time.
> 
> Are you happy? Is your husband happy? Are you happy together? No, you aren't.
> 
> So what WOULD make you happy? What would make your husband happy?


Hey Hope- Thanks for your quick response. I can't speak for my husband, although I'd venture to guess at what would make him happy: a home in a less harried, less expensive region of the country; freedom to have lots of space (and lots of man-toys to fill it up with); a son who will want to hang out with him and do boysey things... (I also think he misses my more sexually rambunctious side that he knew when I was drinking.)

I would like some of those things too - less hectic life, a more rural "old-school" lifestyle. But since we don't have that now or for the forseeable future, I have lots of other ideas about what would help me be happier: peace, a conversation about people, social issues, culture that doesn't turn into a rant or a critical diatribe; more quiet; a greater feeling of respect and effort from him to take on the tasks and work of being a grownup!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Wow.....this is a tough one...Lots going on here.....You express yourself very well.......For once I don't know what to say but I am sure others here will have good info for you


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

I noticed you're stuck on this gun issue. Did he have guns before you hooked up? Had he threatened you or the family with the guns? 

Some men love certain hobbies and and his happens to be guns. Raging out is not OK, and it sounds like he has calmed down. He also took corrective actions to make You happy. 

The music he likes most likely is what he grew up too and likes it till this day. Just aslo

You sound like a nag control freak to me. 

Sent from my Barnes & Noble Nook Tablet using Tapatalk


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## WaitingForChange (Jul 16, 2015)

Juice said:


> I noticed you're stuck on this gun issue. Did he have guns before you hooked up? Had he threatened you or the family with the guns?
> 
> Some men love certain hobbies and and his happens to be guns. Raging out is not OK, and it sounds like he has calmed down. He also took corrective actions to make You happy.
> 
> ...


Hi Juice,

If me being a nag control freak is why I am in my situation, it would be good for me to know. 

You have given me something to think about; I'm curious to hear what others think about this. 

Thanks for your perspective.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Are either of you willing to compromise on some things like guns. As for his anger towards society and all, he better find a better outlet or do something proactive about his beliefs. Him complaining about those things and him sitting there and letting his anger fester is unhealthy. He has anger issues he needs to work on and you can perhaps learn to communicate in a neutral manner that does not sound combative. Work on your own end and I will make it clear, his anger will be a barrier no matter how calm, collective, you are about what you want, how well you express your own beliefs. At this junction, any critique aimed at him will be like you are against him is my guess. Keep in mind, the more violent the environment you raise your children in, the more they will likely to become agressive, violent people that allow their anger and rage to make their decisions.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

He took the guns out of the house, presumably to appease you and show he was willing to compromise, and now the guns are back, which means he's no longer interested in compromising and appeasing you. 

So it should naturally follow that you are not interested in working with him to try to make things better.


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