# Need advice on breaking no contact...



## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

Simple summary - I sucked at no contact for the first 3 weeks of our seperation.

I didnt realise that the odd email to her, responding to her odd emails with overt affection, asking the kids about her, asking her parents about her, asking her friends about her.......was rubbish "no contact" 

Now I do...in fact, I just picked up a new car and one of her friends saw it on facebook and asked me to swing by to show her and her husband ...... I jumped at the chance (thinking I could drop in "oh, and hows my wife) - but a friend last night MADE me text her and call the thing off. He said "she's your WIFES friend - NO CONTACT!!!!!!" 

So, after being rubbish for 3 weeks I have now gone dark! BUT....next saturday my boys go to a basketball awards night and we are going together (as a family) - mainly because I got my boys to ask her.....she thinks its their idea (although seems ok with it) - it will be the first time I've set eyes on her in a month (after 20 years...so weird)

Now-what I'd like is to travel together (its only 20 mins away) and then get asked in for coffee/chat afterwards.....maybe even go for a meal with the boys after the presentation. But my friend said DONT DO THAT.....she's told you "too soon" for chatting all month, so do that to her. When she emails to sort getting there say "I'll meet you there as I have plans afterwards" - be polite, but upbeat and positive. And let her and the boys go home alone (its her weekend to have the kids)

So....I think he's right - but wow its hard. After so long the old co-dependant me would do ANYTHING to construct a situation where we are together for as long as I can make that moment last.

So.....travel with them and see if I get asked to chat/catch up......or travel alone and leave her thinking "that was odd, I thought he'd try and get us to chat/have coffee"

Help!


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

your friend is 100% right. if you want to do the 180 properly, you need to stop thinking what effect your actions will have on her. just do it for you. 

you are doing the 180, so this is what you do. if you find yourself thinking about what she feels and how she would react, distract yourself. do anything, go for a walk, read a book, finish chores. just stop thinking about her. as you practice this longer, it should come more naturally.


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## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

I understand that, good points.

I suppose my question is.....if the point of this is to make her think "I wonder how he is" and HER instigate contact. What should I do if she says, next saturday, "do you want to join us for a meal after the awards" or "do you want to come in for coffee"

Maybe I'm answering my own question because the old me would have traveled with them to make that MUCH more likely to happen. SHould I just travel alone, meet them there and then go home.....let her do the running after me? Though there is still the possibility that she will say "lets go for something to eat with the boys after the do" - do I go? My friend says "say no, say you have other plans"


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

i haven't read your back story so i dont know why you guys separated. but if you are doing the 180 to detach and get some control on your emotions, you dont drop everything because she asked you out. that gives her tremendous control over you

you are going there for your kids. so talk to them. just barely acknowledge your wife. after the event, leave. if she asks tell her you have plans.

limit contact with her about children and finances. dont indulge in small talk or be there for her.

presumably she wanted this. if she finds that she wants you back, she will let you know and do the running.

it is difficult but if you are like an eager puppy waiting to gobble up any small crumbs she drops, that is how she will continue to view you.

you detach, become a better person for yourself and you will be able to handle this and any future relationships from a position of confidence and strength.

good luck


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## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

We seperarted because she was a drinker and I co-dependant. We love each other...but were killing each other (not literally!)

But...since I left I've felt terrible (its like PTSD!) and she "seems" fine and has surrounded herself with tasks to do and friends to meet (in fact, my kids are going mad that she ALWAYS has friends around....they are (even the 12 yr old) annoyed that she is spending time on friends and not on thinking about the future)

The one thing I still dont quite get.....when she does start to make small steps towards wanting to chat - if I am too casual/unavailable, will she not think "well forget it then ..... i thought he wanted to chat but if he doesnt, I wont bother asking again"


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

i just read your thread and i think you seem to put yourself down a lot. she is the one with the problem. so rather than blaming herself, she has said that your stale marriage caused her to drink. this is so weak. how manipulative is that!! you are not responsible for her happiness and mental state. she is responsible for that.

Are you supporting her financially? i assume you are. so all your marriage you have been a good husband and a good provider. instead of appreciating that, she has taken you for granted and abused you.

what makes her a good wife? she is the one who needs to prove that she can be a good wife to you.

also, get legal advice, get full custody of your children using her alcoholism as a reason. 

you might think that is cruel, but this woman needs a jolt of reality. she is the one who has to shape up.

get some anger going. she has treated you abominably and it is time you laid the law. it is a good example for your kids and also for your wife. this is what she needs to sort her life out.

You should go to an IC to deal with your codependency issues. also,read MMSL and visit their forum. they are pretty good at directing and giving you practical guidance


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## Lewis1973 (May 3, 2013)

I pay for everything. She is a partner in my business but only for tax purposes. She does about 2 hrs "work" a week on the business.

She has the house, a brand new car and £60k of income.....from "me"

I dont want to shock her too much because wont she hate me even more???? or drink more???

I suppose my plan was to ignore the money stuff until its been 5/6 weeks of seperation (which means 3 more weeks of me being VERY dark) - and then say "ok, you havent bothered to call so lets get on with looking at the business.....in otherwords, you're out of it...I'll pay for the house and kids but get a job for your fun money!"


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