# 2 years later



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Wanted to give an update here. Been 2 years to the date on Saturday that was my D Day. Here is short summary for those interested: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37589-still-bothering-me.html

Not exactly sure what I want to say other than yes we are still together, and no I have never gotten any more of the truth. Been working on myself a lot, so many , many really good days. 

But there is still the part of me inside that looks at her not coming clean as real BS. When we talk about it which is rarer and rarer, still tells me : "he was a friend", "I bought those lacey bras for you not him" (she never bought them for me before). " I wasnt't _really_ going to spend the night" and of course "he wasn't involved in my "alone" time at a hotel three hours away for a weekend." - (I demanded she come back and she did before spending the night) All of this happened back in October 2011.

In the meantime, she has become a very loving, caring spouse, wants to finally formally get married. I go along, but evade, just cannot bring myself to do it.

So bottom line is that we get along very well, things are much better. For about a year after situation, she didn't sleep with me much, past 10 months or so she is in bed every night. Sex is better, but I notice she doesn't do quite as much as she used to in the "exotic" area since affair. 

In my craw the thought that our relationship is a joke of sorts because she won't "woman up" and come clean. When we do talk about it nowadays, it always ends up the same as "friend" "nothing happened". Deep down, I know better.

Just venting, because the anniversary is coming. I do well a lot of days, and then I focus on the fact that she is continuing the lie, today, here and now. Her intimate lie with another man, between she and him , crowding out any sense that we have something special anymore. 

I'm tired of hearing (only in our discussions, so not regularly) "he was a nice guy." Obviously she is responsible for her part, but saying he was a nice guy- that almost ripped our family apart is still a point that I cannot deal with. I probably need to tell her this, but never have. OM knew what he was doing, and didn't care, as did she. 

Any thoughts welcome- just venting on a day near the 2 year D day anniversary.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't marry her. 

Did you explicitly tell her that you still think that she hasn't come clean completely and this is not allowing you to move on. That these lies are much worse than any actual infidelity that might have happened.

Maybe offer to call him and verify what she told you with some half truths of your own(You guys met at the hotel but my wife is telling me that nothing happened. Is that true ?). See her react to the suggestion and make your call.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I have told her at least 3 times, most recently in March that I just plain old don't believe it. She doesn't even acknowledge it as anything more than a "friendship". It's ridiculous.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

So it sounds like you are aware of where things stand with her as far as giving more information or possibly not being truthful with you. From your post, this is what I understand.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you are willing and able to put up with this as it is now and accept it moving forward while still having a feeling that this is as far as her information sharing is going to go since you are staying with her. Are you able to do that?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Ahh yes; the very common "friendship" relationship. You know it's ridiculous and she does too. So frustrating! I heard the same thing from my STBX.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why exactly are you still with her? You didn't really say in your update, and everything you did say pretty much says you should have walked awhile ago.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Jasel said:


> Why exactly are you still with her? You didn't really say in your update, and everything you did say pretty much says you should have walked awhile ago.


It's obviously a good question. She and I both stated we wanted to work this out. Went to MC through summer of 2012. She was still erratic in behavior towards me. Acting all hormonal etc. up until maybe 4-5 months ago.

We have a small family, daughter is 22, out of college, so not much left. We agreed to stay together and work it out. Since that time, things have gotten progressively better. She is doing a lot of the things a wayward should do to reconcile EXCEPT FOR coming clean. But it is really important to me to have an honest relationship. 

Almost like making plans for holidays with family etc is triggering a "this is a joke" mentality inside me. She does call, text me every day and so forth, but I'm just fixated on there not being a confession. I feel insulted by that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> I have told her at least 3 times, most recently in March that I just plain old don't believe it. She doesn't even acknowledge it as anything more than a "friendship". It's ridiculous.


Why should she tell you something that will be of no benefit to her ?


But then, if nothing really happened, how can she prove it to you ?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess what you have to decide is whether you're willing to continue things the way they are or not.

I wouldn't. 

Have you considered taking her for a polygraph?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Wanted to give an update here. Been 2 years to the date on Saturday that was my D Day. Here is short summary for those interested:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37589-still-bothering-me.html
> 
> ...


Hang on she's been with you 20 yrs and will still not come clean about this stuff

No disrespect but you get what you put up with my friend. If you are tolerating that then guess what? she will give it to you 

If you do not then that's a whole new path

As for marrying her !?!? You need your head examined


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You want the truth. Many people live without it in many areas of life, for lies and dishonesty are part of the human condition.

However, in your LTR the only person between you and the truth is your partner. May I suggest that you work on yourself to become more decisive, more self confident, happier, etc. without her affirmation.

She should be more attracted to you. You should detach. When she feels that you are going to have a good life with or without her, she will be more eager to get closer to you. 

Eventually, either she'll bring it up or you just detach to the point that you are strong enough to leave. At that time you'll be able say that the lack of honesty undermined your relationship.

Alternatively, since you are not married, you can tell her that you no longer want to be in an exclusive relationship. But you must be prepared for her to see others.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Why would you knowingly marry an un-remorseful cheater?? 

That is just asking to get cheated on again down the road.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> You want the truth. Many people live without it in many areas of life, for lies and dishonesty are part of the human condition.
> 
> However, in your LTR the only person between you and the truth is your partner. May I suggest that you work on yourself to become more decisive, more self confident, happier, etc. without her affirmation.
> 
> ...


I think I am getting to this point quite honestly. I'm really at a somber point that keeps saying- "she's trying, I'm trying but I need honesty in this relationship. Obviously that isn't going to be part of our equation. 

I'm doing a lot of things on my own nowadays, and no disrespect to her, but in a lot of ways I don't care if she is there or not. I mean that in a way that says- "okay if you are part of my life, but I really don't need you in my life." 

Even though the anger gets kindled up for her lack of confession, I'm getting resigned to the point that there is nothing I can do to "force" it out of her. But then that makes me really observe and think about what quality of relationship we really have, or can expect to have. And that I don't like. 

You would think I'd be happier because two years ago I was begging her to stay. Today, things are a ton better, but I am absolutely stuck on the lack of confession sometimes. Other times, I see it as her issue. But I have trouble committing myself to a person like this - that gave all the good stuff to OM. Even if it was only for a couple of weeks / months. I don't want it as part of my life anymore. 

Thanks for the input.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> It's obviously a good question. She and I both stated we wanted to work this out. Went to MC through summer of 2012. She was still erratic in behavior towards me. Acting all hormonal etc. up until maybe 4-5 months ago.
> 
> We have a small family, daughter is 22, out of college, so not much left. We agreed to stay together and work it out. Since that time, things have gotten progressively better. She is doing a lot of the things a wayward should do to reconcile EXCEPT FOR coming clean. But it is really important to me to have an honest relationship.
> 
> Almost like making plans for holidays with family etc is triggering a "this is a joke" mentality inside me. She does call, text me every day and so forth, but I'm just fixated on there not being a confession. *I feel insulted by that.*


And you should because ultimately here's what has happened from her side.

She's done the absolute minimum needed to successfully keep you in the relationship. Not for you, but for her. Even in her "reconciliation" her behavior is selfish. She's more loving because she knows she needs to be to keep you. She shows her version of remorse because she understands that if she doesn't, she'll lose you. But she's never come clean because that would do two things.

1. She'd be "bad". Up until now, everything that she fesses up to is a "mistake" where as if you cheat..you're "bad". So she's still the good "wife", who just slipped up a bit. She can't face what she REALLY is.

2. Force her to look at this from YOUR needs. She doesn't put your needs first. She hasn't taken responsibility and ownership.

Sorry but you're living in the same relationship, just with her energies focused on you, but it's still not genuine and it's not about you.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I think I am getting to this point quite honestly. I'm really at a somber point that keeps saying- "she's trying, I'm trying but I need honesty in this relationship. Obviously that isn't going to be part of our equation.
> 
> I'm doing a lot of things on my own nowadays, and no disrespect to her, but in a lot of ways I don't care if she is there or not. I mean that in a way that says- "okay if you are part of my life, but I really don't need you in my life."
> 
> ...


Bhodi, your story and mine have similarities. My WW never actually owned it. I survived it all by doing a lot of serious work on myself. I have detached to the point that I no longer really care what her story is. I am enjoying my life; she is a part of it, but not THE essential part. What you will probably find over the next several years is that the part you cannot recover is emotional intimacy. I've found that I can do quite well without it. Ask yourself if you can.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I would never consider "being" with a woman for 20 years if we never married. If you're not married, you both are free to do as you wish.
My opinion only.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> *Why should she tell you something that will be of no benefit to her ?*
> 
> 
> But then, if nothing really happened, how can she prove it to you ?


Not sure if this is a trick question LOL.- But....., it *would* benefit her because then we could work with the reality of truth. For me, it would be huge, - just telling the truth is cathartic.

Maybe she doesn't understand that I would much rather deal in reality than in bogus lies. Do I just need to tell her this?

But I am assuming she actually wants the relationship. Maybe she plain old doesn't want it, so in that regard coming clean wouldn't be a benefit to her.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Not sure if this is a trick question LOL.- But....., it *would* benefit her because then we could work with the reality of truth. For me, it would be huge, - just telling the truth is cathartic.
> 
> Maybe she doesn't understand that I would much rather deal in reality than in bogus lies. Do I just need to tell her this?
> 
> But I am assuming she actually wants the relationship. Maybe she plain old doesn't want it, so in that regard coming clean wouldn't be a benefit to her.


The point is you're still there. She already has the relationship. Since you didn't demand she prove to you that she was telling the truth she feels no need to say any more.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Maybe she doesn't understand that I would much rather deal in reality than in bogus lies. Do I just need to tell her this?


I have told my wife precisely that several times. She does not compute this. Literally her brain is not wired to understand it. Everything is about controlling information in order to protect herself.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

river rat said:


> What you will probably find over the next several years is that the part you cannot recover is emotional intimacy. I've found that I can do quite well without it.


Lots of available women out there. Most of whom have never cheated on you and with whom you can have emotional intimacy without all the trust issues and the painful memories.

Why settle for less?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Bohdi,

The reason she won't tell you the truth is because she believes that you might leave her if she does. She might be remorseful for what she has done but she can't bring herself to be honest with you. You can either force the issue or not.

If you force the issue, you will be left with a decision to be together or be apart.

If you don't force the issue, you will never have the chance to regain the emotional intimacy.

Not good choices, but choices...

These are the choices you make. The choices are yours alone. I wish you all the best brother. Take care, and God Bless.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This will undoubtedly be unpopular here but you've been with this woman for over 20 years, have a grown daughter with her, and haven't seen fit to marry her. Unless she's specifically told you she doesn't want to get married she views this as your inability to fully commit to her. Many women feel like this. Her recent cheating is another matter so I can understand why you'd balk at the idea right now, but I wouldn't be surprised if it played a role in how she got there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

hookares said:


> I would never consider "being" with a woman for 20 years if we never married. If you're not married, you both are free to do as you wish.
> My opinion only.


Yep, it sends the message that you aren't fully committed to her and want to leave your options open. At least that's how a lot of women will view it; that's how I would view it, but then again I wouldn't have gone 20 years without being married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You can never move past this, because you do not have all the pieces of the puzzle.

This festers like a cancer or a disease. You will never get over this without the truth.

You need to be willing to tell her that because you can not get the truth, the cancer has grown and you need to cut it out.

But you need to be willing to cut the relationship with cutting out the lack of truth.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

i could have written your letter. I feel for you and hope you find your answers.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

The past will always fester because you will not have her take a polygraph.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

theroad said:


> The past will always fester because you will not have her take a polygraph.


I brought a polygraph up earlier but didn't get any response. Why don't you do it, OP? Seems like the solution you need, easy peasy. Or would you really rather NOT know?


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Hey Bodhitree,

I've posted on your threads on another forum you post at. I brought up the poly as well. Most of the guys quickly dismissed the idea and I don't believe you addressed it. 

Have you thought about asking her to take one? 

I'm curious if you have ever discussed it with her.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> She is doing a lot of the things a wayward should do to reconcile EXCEPT FOR coming clean. But it is really important to me to have an honest relationship.


Is it _possible_ that she has ALREADY "come clean"? Is it _possible_ that nothing else happened _other than what she has already told you_?

If she agrees to take the poly and passes it, would you then DROP the idea that she hasn't come clean...

...or would passing the poly only give rise to more suspicion?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

The reality is,it is affairs, no matter what kind, that hurts a relationship. It changes it forever, and it is that very change that we balk at so much, we dont accept the reality of ... We want it to stay the same, 

Secondly, once wife acknowleges reality,theres no going back ....

~sammy


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> I think I am getting to this point quite honestly. I'm really at a somber point that keeps saying- "she's trying, I'm trying but I need honesty in this relationship. Obviously that isn't going to be part of our equation.
> QUOTE]
> 
> That is exactly what you should be telling her, not us. I can't see how you can continue without knowing the whole truth and how a relationship can last with lies weaving it's way through it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hookares said:


> I would never consider "being" with a woman for 20 years if we never married. If you're not married, you both are free to do as you wish.
> My opinion only.


Yup they're just as free as they would be if married.

Married or not everyone is free to do what they wish.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bodhi, I think you said "should I tell her this?" and "should I ask her this?" on a few occasions. 

You should tell your wife and ask your wife EVERYTHING with zero filters.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> Wanted to give an update here. Been 2 years to the date on Saturday that was my D Day. Here is short summary for those interested:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37589-still-bothering-me.html
> 
> ...


Have you told her this, that you can't move forward and you've been in limbo for two years because she's still carrying a torch for her old flame and still keeping the secret between them, and not sharing with you and being honest with you? I'd try telling her how you feel, and tell her that she has one more chance to tell you the truth or you'll never marry her. She can go marry her nice guy since she has such fond memories of him and feels the need to protect her relationship with him and lie to you about it. Do you have kids? If not, I'm surprised you're still with her.. You're building up resentments and still hurting.. she's going about her life as usual, because her secret is still intact.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does your daughter know?

The OM was a nice guy. Sure, everything is relative. If he hadn't screwing your common law wife, he could have been your bridge or tennis partner.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

russell28 said:


> Have you told her this, that you can't move forward and you've been in limbo for two years because she's still carrying a torch for her old flame and still keeping the secret between them, and not sharing with you and being honest with you? I'd try telling her how you feel, and tell her that she has one more chance to tell you the truth or you'll never marry her. She can go marry her nice guy since she has such fond memories of him and feels the need to protect her relationship with him and lie to you about it. Do you have kids? If not, I'm surprised you're still with her.. You're building up resentments and still hurting.. she's going about her life as usual, because her secret is still intact.


You know I can tell you that I have said a number of times that when she talked so fondly of that place of work that it was tough to hear because it was such a painful time. But I keep sort of beating around the bush. I've told her I don't believe her story numerous times, but now it's time to convert that to "I know in my heart because I've been with her so long that this wasn't a friendship- so let's stop that charade."

Her reaction has been "it wasn't a good time- it was a horrible time in my (her) life." She felt like the people there were "good" people. Now because she had affair with one doesn't make it a bad place, not like everyone was in on the sitch.

A strange calm and acceptance has come over me. I can remember reading the responses on this site a couple of years ago and my heart racing, and anxiety and fear running me. Today, I read and I feel real confident that I can be happy no matter what happens. It's almost like I've decided to accept that she had an affair, and that her holding back is her problem. It must really suck to live in the shame, hiding etc of such a lie.

But more to your point is that I've realized I really need to identify what it is that I want to say. A rehash of how awful she was for doing what she did isn't going to get me what I want.

So here is what I think in short. I am going to just say that inside me I know she had an affair, and that most likely it was a PA. I feel also that her maintaining that he was a "friend" is hard for me to take- here is a person involved in one of the most painful times in our little families life. A friend doesn't screw with a persons family, and OM knew what he was doing- he is a POS period.

I would even say that things are better, that I still love her, but that her affection for OM is a block to us moving forward. And that we need to be honest about how we really feel. 

I will also be pointing out that I don't need any phone records (which is what blew it up in the first place), e mails, to know what I know, because I can read her. And her behavior at the time was that of a woman having an affair. Whether EA or PA, it wasn't a simple friendship- and if she doesn't want to fess up, it doesn't matter to me anymore because in my heart I know the truth.

Now, I can almost guarantee the response will be along the lines that since it was only a friendship there were no "special" admirations, fondness etc. so what I say is inaccurate. Think about that for a minute- she is so embarrassed and ashamed that she has to place OM in category of "only a friend"- wonder how he would feel about that? Anyway, I think I am going to go along those lines and just let the chips fall where they may. At this point, I'm open to an outcome with or without her.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

river rat said:


> What you will probably find over the next several years is that the part you cannot recover is emotional intimacy. I've found that I can do quite well without it. Ask yourself if you can.


In my opinion this is the core issue. This is the reason that it has bothered you for so long. You know my story, mine lingered for even longer before I finally got off the fence. To me it's not about never knowing the full truth, I've accepted that I won't. But I know that I will never regain emotional intimacy. And quite frankly I did without it for years before the EA happened in my case. And I did accept it. I figured I was never going to have that with my wife.

Guess what? Her affair made me realize how much I did want it, I just accepted the lack of it. But I know with the lying that happened during the affair that divide is even greater now. And emotional intimacy is very important to me. And I choose to have it in a serious committed relationship. It won't happen in my current one.

I think this is the real question you must ask yourself. Make your decision. Then take an action, whatever that might be.

Best of luck. You can handle it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> She was still erratic in behavior towards me. Acting all hormonal etc. up until maybe 4-5 months ago. . .
> She is doing a lot of the things a wayward should do to reconcile EXCEPT FOR coming clean. But it is really important to me to have an honest relationship. . .
> She does call, text me every day and so forth, but I'm just fixated on there not being a confession. I feel insulted by that.


Bodhtree:
Q. If someone asks their spouse a question should they be told the truth?
A: YES. ALWAYS.

Q: Can a relationship have integrity if there are lies?
A: NO.

You are where I am. It's been 2 years and my STBXWS is still not telling the truth. 

Fast forward another 2 years. If you are in the position you are in now will you be happy? I doubt it and the reason is because of those 2 simple questions above. 

She had 2 years. She hasn't told you the truth. She was 'hormonal' until a few months ago. And worst of all she still speaks 'fondly' of the POSOM?  No remorse. She takes you for granted, assumes you will stay and you have. 

I think it's simple. When WS continue to lie we BS fall out of love with them. If she had PA and fessed up you quite possibly might have left her. Seems to be a deal-breaker for many. From where I sit it sounds as if you have fallen out of love with her and you just don't realise it yet. if she told you tomorrow that she had slept with him, how would you feel about her? And what would you do?

You ended up having to make a decision that wasn't informed because to make an informed decision you have to know the truth. 

You are in limbo and I doubt you will ever get any happier than how you feel now. I say this because I am in exactly the same position. 

Sure it's scary to think about leaving but it's a whole lot better than staying in limbo. 

All the best with it.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

********** said:


> Bodhtree:
> Q. If someone asks their spouse a question should they be told the truth?
> A: YES. ALWAYS.
> 
> ...


To be accurate, let me clarify something. She doesn't talk at all about POSOM. When we have talked about it, she has insisted "he was a friend". Now when I busted her two years ago, I go the typical : "he paid attention to me", "he helped me", "he was a nice guy." As time has gone by, this has diminished to "he was a friend." She never talks of him outside of when I want to talk about it. But it does gnaw at me that I believe she thinks he was a good guy and I am soon going to address this with her from the context of "hey, you both knew the game, he knew what he was doing- any guy doing what he was is a POSOM-period- don't give me nice guy ****. If she defends him- I'm done. But honestly, not sure if she still feels that way. Again, I am getting the most loving person now. 



********** said:


> if she told you tomorrow that she had slept with him, how would you feel about her? And what would you do?


I already assume she slept with him. I no longer need her or allow her to hold me hostage with "what's true and what isn't". Revisiting this forum after a long time away has helped me realize I don't need her to be happy. I'm going about life working on my own happiness. I'm not going to be her hostage with this "did she didn't she" bull**** anymore. I'm freeing myself of that. What happens to she and I in the long run- we shall see.



**********;4959666[B said:


> You ended up having to make a decision that wasn't informed because to make an informed decision you have to know the truth. [/B]


Very insightful- never thought of it that way before but true.



********** said:


> *You are in limbo and I doubt you will ever get any happier than how you feel now.* I say this because I am in exactly the same position.
> 
> Sure it's scary to think about leaving but it's a whole lot better than staying in limbo.
> 
> All the best with it.


I used to believe your statement about "never being any happier". But this is where things have taken a turn for me. You may be right about happiness with *her*, but almost weekly I am getting more and more back to the person I used to be, and even yesterday I felt happier than in many years. She no longer controls my happiness.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Excellent post because I never thought of it, but prior to the affair I have to admit I was emotionally absent. I rarely told her I loved her. So while our relationship was dead beforehand, in part due to me, it didn't give her the go ahead to do what she did. But I think your point is a good one.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Without trust there is no relationship. The fact she will not come clean shows that there are trust issues. That is a deal breaker. You must decide to deal with trust issues or move on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Anyway, I think I am going to go along those lines and just let the chips fall where they may. At this point, I'm open to an outcome with or without her.


I like it. You have something to say, so you say it. What she thinks about it, or how she reacts is not relevant to you needing to say your piece.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Bodhitree said:


> I used to believe your statement about "never being any happier". But this is where things have taken a turn for me. You may be right about happiness with *her*, but almost weekly I am getting more and more back to the person I used to be, and even yesterday I felt happier than in many years. She no longer controls my happiness.


We can become a hostage to the situation. I did. Sounds like you are breaking free of the chains and I think with that will come clarity for you to decide what to do. 
*The following is only my opinion: * 
- having the whole truth takes away the stress of being tormented with wondering and feeling more anger for WS for continuing to lie. 
- if WS tells the whole truth they are listening to what we BS wants and taking us seriously. My WS didn't take me seriously. 
*Our R was on his terms and not mine.
*- with the truth, the decision we make on R or D can be informed and we will not have to revisit that decision if more truth comes out.
- like you for a long time I assumed it was a PA though he always said it was an EA. I stayed. 
- when I found out it was a PA I was surprised at my reaction. I thought I had accepted. I hadn't. I felt repulsed and the mind movies started playing for real. I felt even worse because he had strung me along with lies for 2 years.

I am possibly one of those where a PA is a dealbreaker. I was never able to be intimate with him again after discovering it was a PA. He controlled me and my decision by lying. He also controlled me when he was having the PA with his lies. It was a false R. Nothing is worse.

I lost 2 years that I cannot get back because of his lies. Those 2 years were anything but happy. 

I don't think R can be ever be properly achieved if there are loose ends. I think every BS is entitled to the truth as a minimum. 

We all have different dealbreakers. From your post I got an undercurrent of resignation and you being in a relationship where you weren't in it 'boots and all'. That said I could also see that like me you are finding you old self and coming back to who you were before all this.

I wish you the very best with whatever you decide.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm a at 2 years too and still do not have all the answers to my questions and it keeps being put on back burner. No there cannot be any real closeness as I always feel her between us. While protecting her privacy or their privacy it's still disrespectful of me. She is still showing you disrespect.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

BodHiTree, you would be a fool to marry your GF. She has made it easy for you. You refuse to take that information and act on it. You are acting like a love sick puppy, who's self esteem is in the toilet, and you also act as though you are stuck married to this low life. Yet you are not. YOU ARE NOT MARRIED AND STUCK TO THIS LOW LIFE. HELLO?!? GET OUT of this ASAP. THings will not get better. She is a massive ball of trouble. Hello?!?!

HELLO?!?!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

BodHiTree, you come here telling us about your errant GF. But from my perspective, I see bigger more important questions like these:

1. Why would you put up with her BS?
2. What is it about you that would allow the question of marriage still be entertained?

From my perspective, this post is really about a man that has severe emotional and perhaps mental issues. If I were you, I would dump her, and start working on yourself. Look at it this way: It takes a sick man to stay with a sick woman.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The minute you begged a cheater to stay with you, it confirmed what she suspected. You were a doormat. You say you dont need her, so that means you want her. Why? She is not really sorry or she would give you what you need. And like the others said do not marry her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just a couple of things---Did you ever resolve her being in a hotel, what did you say a 3 hr drive away---that would be what 150 miles, at the least----are there no hotels one can go to in your town, if one wants to be alone

I did not read, your 1st thread, on the actual busting up her "friendship" and the confrontation------but thru the course of all of this, did you ever DEMAND she take a polygraph

You aren't that many years from retirement, once you retire you are basically alone with her/together 24/7---things just get replayed all the time, cuz there is nothing to replace the day after day of same oldness---this will haunt you---GET IT RESOLVED NOW ONE WAY OR THE OTHER


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Something else that I thought of that I haven't seen mentioned. If she has convinced herself in her denial that nothing happened then the chances of it happening again is greater. We only learn from mistakes that we acknowledge. She hasn't admitted anything to you and possibly to herself so if I were in your position I wouldn't feel safe being in a relationship with her.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

jnj express said:


> You aren't that many years from retirement, once you retire you are basically alone with her/together 24/7---things just get replayed all the time, cuz there is nothing to replace the day after day of same oldness---this will haunt you---GET IT RESOLVED NOW ONE WAY OR THE OTHER


This is very good advice.


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