# No communication, need advise



## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

Sorry, new here so long post. I am one week into an unexpected and sudden separation and my wife has dropped all communication. I'm kind of lost and could use some advice.

We have been married for nearly ten years and our marriage has really been good. We don't fight or argue and everyone that knows us thinks we have the ideal marriage. We had one rough patch four years ago that was a mistake on my part but I thought it was done. I had a coworker that had gone through a rough divorce and it killed her self esteem. She talked to me and I tried to console her but that is as far as it went. She sent an email saying she was old, fat, unattractive, unlovable, etc., and I responded that she was wrong, she was a beautiful woman and she had no reason to worry. My wife saw the email and accused me of having an affair. I explained and explained but she insisted. I apologized and said I understood I should not have gotten involved, I promised I'd never do something so stupid again and I have worked hard to ensure I don't ever do anything that could even appear wrong. I believed we moved past this and all was well.

About a year ago my wife took a new job at a factory. About six months in she started telling me about how all the men were hitting on her all the time and she didn't like it but soon she began playing along with some of them. All the time she assured me it was just fun and she was completely in love with me. A month ago I noticed she started getting a lot more texts, calls and she complained people from work were contacting her after hours (she is the HR Manager) and it was annoying her because it was her personal cell phone and the number was not supposed to be given out. At the same time she seemed to get a lot busier with facebook and really started not talking to me. It was confusing because we communicate well and the silence was odd. Then two weeks ago she seemed to shut down.

Last weekend started normal. We had some errands to run and some chores around the house. She asked me to go run the errands and pick up some supplies for the chores. When I got home she, all her clothes and personal item, and our two pet dogs were gone. I called and texted but got no response until late that night when she sent a text saying she wanted a separation. I asked why and she said it was because of my "infidelity" four years ago and she didn't think she could ever forgive me.

I have heard nothing since except a text saying she was removing me from her health insurance at work and I needed to get my own from my work. I sent a note saying I didn't understand and asked if we should get a marriage counselor but she never responded. I've kept quiet and not sent her notes, texts, or called so maybe she'd not feel pressure but it is killing me.

How can I try to work things out if she just won't respond?


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## robbie3000 (Oct 8, 2016)

I understand how you feel, my wife left and rented a place with her mother, wont speak to me, get the odd abusive email and now she wants a divorce for no apparent reason.
it is really hard I know, but hang tight, speak to friends and try and keep busy, don't let I ruin your life (easy for me to say), but I really really know how you feel and it is horrible.

you have to give her space, let her come to her own conclusions. if it is over then so be it and you have to think about you and how to move on.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Do some investigating. She could very well be in adultery based on what you posted. We see it here on TAM all the time. First they don't like the flirting, think it's childish or unattractive or whatever. Then it's funny and charming in a silly way. Then they don't talk about it anymore. The affair has begun.

Make sure you want to reconcile with her in case of the possibility she might be cheating. You could report her to her company if you want it to stop. They must have rules about managers "interfering" with those under them, abuse of authority or something. 

It might be an exit affair. She wants to leave and she has already found the replacement. It sucks you're in this position since you didn't really have an affair. She is taking revenge for something that never happened? Tsk! She wanted to do whatever. She just needed an excuse. Your "non-affair" is a perfect one.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She at the very least is addictted to the attention and from all the flags you have posted, is cheating on you. Space would give her a chance to meet with all those contacts. Compound that issue with the past and her belief of what occurred, she has very little or no loyalty towards you.

Detach, she is no longer your partner and is wife on legal documents only and not in action. Also, there is always a cause for behavior change and her behavior changed when she worked at her new job, with all those men paying attention towards her. She can deny all she wants, and a majority of people lie to protect their ego. Statistically, that is highly against you.

If she wants to stop being your wife, she has that right but you also have a choice not to be a doormat, her personal safety net if her new life does not work out. Would you rather be her main choice or something she returns to because her life does not work out for her. Put it this way, the new, exciting job did not accept her and she found out it is not all it is cracked to be and she thinks to herself, I will just go back to my old job after I quit, without warning, and worked for the competition. That job is much safer. She abandoned you without warning, left for greener pasteur and because it all turned to dust, she decided you are a safe bet and uses that love you have for her to return like nothing has occurred.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill online. You'll probably find your answer there.

If it is an affair and it sounds like it a cheater always lies, hides and denies a lot.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

a separation is normally to be able to spend time with another man. See it a lot here. Once you find out who he is do exposure if you want to try and save your marriage but instead of separation I'd just file for Divorce. If not you could linger in this for years.

Do not cry beg or plead and act like a doormat in front of her.

In an affair they will rewrite your marital history to justify their actions. It'll be all BS. No marriage is perfect but an affair is 100% on her.

Go no contact. Acting weak, needy and calling| texting will just push her further away at this time.

If you chase them they will flee from you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Call her HR department at work and find out if se can remove you from her healthcare law. The laws in your state might force them to offer you a cobra for a year and half (at least the laws in NJ in the early nineties did).

Do some digging but first plan on divorcing. Determine your financial situation post divorce and make moves to adjust. Enact the 180. 

You didn't give much info on your adultery but the only thing worst is a spouse then committing adultery. Christ, knowing what they experienced then turning around the doing unto someone else is depraved. There are 1,001 and good reasons to divorce NONE for adultery.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry you are here. 
You can't and should not beg her back, but give her what she wants. 

Get your ducks in a row. 
Get a lawyer and have her served. 
Figure out your health insurance pronto. 
If you have a joint bank account, move 50% into a new account only you have access to (check with your lawyer first). 
Change the locks. 
Take any remaining stuff she has, put it in garbage bags, throw it on the lawn near the street, and text her simply that the rest of her stuff is there and if she wants it, to pick it up before someone else does, or there will be a new "curb alert" on Craigslist within 24 hours. 
You'll hurt plenty, but exercise, drink water, avoid alcohol, take melatonin to help you sleep at night. 
Many men make a mistake IMO by reacting in a needy way when women act suddenly and without warning. It will not work with a woman willing to uproot and just leave. 

Believe she has another branch to swing to. Erect a brick wall so she can't just swing back to you without hitting it smack in the face. Nothing sends a message better than making her face the full result of her actions. 

Keep posting here.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is the reverse, I'm going out for cigarettes. **** that. Seriously. Assuming you are telling the truth about your incident 4 years ago, she is "using" that as a scapegoat. I put using that in quotes because, it really is pointless. She is leaving you and does her reason matter? If she is cheating, why lie if you are leaving. For divorce purposes? Seems strange to me.

Either way, anyone who would send you out on an errand and then pack up and leave is a lowly piece of **** of a human who doesn't deserve another minute of your time. Now, if you really did mess around with that woman from before, then you deserve it (but I'll go on the premise you didn't).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Hey buddy, Sorry that you going through this horrible situation. Keep posting you're going to need some help. Stay strong don't bag to get her back don't play the pick me game. Just filed for divorce.!!!
Keep posting here.!!! you are going to need support going through this. What she did to very disturbing and horrible. Do not get back with her is your Enemy... not your wife...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is it possible that your wife doesn't believe your version of events 4 years ago?

Would she have any reason to think you've not been honest? Married men have no business comforting women who aren't their relatives or wife. Are you sure that's all it was?

You know what they say about the appearance of impropriety?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I don't know what state you are in but in mine, you can't cancel a spouse unless you have divorce papers or it's open enrollment.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

I'm also going to assume that you are being honest about what went down 4 years ago with your female co-worker in need.

If you DID have an affair with her; that changes everything. No-one here can give worthwhile advice if they have dud information to start with. GIGO

But, assuming you are in the clear and didn't have an affair; then your wife is lost to you. Wow. Sending your husband out on an errand, then slinking away while he's gone. Really cowardly.

I'd be focusing my energy on keeping my health insurance.


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## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

Well, first let me say thanks for everyone's support. A couple brought up the question of my actions four years ago so I'll clarify. It was a coworker and I was not the only person she was leaning on for support. It was indeed just conversation, it was never anything more, nor did either of us even consider it might.

Others brought up a lot of good points, particularly looking at her phone records. It was quite revealing. There are a number (3-4) of numbers she seems to get and make calls to that last 30 or more minutes at least a couple times a week. In the past those calls were during her work day, now they are in the evening and there are dozens of texts to and from them daily -- including picture texts.

I still have not heard anything so today I stopped by her work just to see if we could talk. There is a security guard and he called her to let her know I was there and she told him to escort me off the property. I took that as a sign things are really over so I went to an attorney and started the divorce process. Doing that just about tore my heart out and I left in a virtual daze I still am not out of. I have to go back to the attorney with some additional details but one she wants (what address to send the papers) I still don't know.

I'm not sure how all of you have gotten through this because I'm a wreck. Intellectually I get the comments that I just need to realize she has moved on and why should I want her back or be her backup plan but it is crushing to think about a future without someone who I was supposed to grow old with and cherish until the end. I sure hope I can find my way through because right now I'm just lost.


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## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

You are correct. It is her open enrollment time so no foul there.


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## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

I understand your point and I really can't know what she does or doesn't believe. I can't imagine she'd not believe. Initially she had no idea who the note was from but once I explained and she knew who it was (she knows the woman) I would have thought that would be the end. The woman is 20 plus years older than me and past retirement age. She is a nice woman but not someone I'd get involved with even if I were not married.

That said, even though I thought it was innocent, when I saw how it upset my wife I agreed that as a married man I should have not have tried to comfort her without talking to my wife first so I apologized, took responsibility for that, and have been extremely careful not to repeat that mistake.

I understand the appearance of impropriety and I corrected that misstep on my part. Never once tried to say to anyone it wasn't the right way to handle it. Innocent mistakes are still mistakes but they are also innocent.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Confusedandstressed said:


> You are correct. It is her open enrollment time so no foul there.



Yes, growing old with someone would be a nice dream, but it is reliant on another at the very least. Truth is, relationships have no guarantee and plans only go so far. You need to be strong on your own, without a partner. Whether cheating, drifting apart, accidents, and whole list of other issues, the person you will end your life with is you.

I suggest doing new things or existing things that make you happy. Be with friends and family and you have to see her differently. Your perception of her is in the past and you have to learn to separate that from the present. It will be a long process, but it will help you get going in healing yourself.

The less you think about her, and when you think about her, think of the terrible traits she has shown lately. Thinking about the beginning, the good times, it will only keep you stuck. If you think about her, focus on how she disregards you. Focus on the type of person you would not choose to be with. Use that anger to move forwards and don't let her ruin your chance of a fulfilling life. There are people in this world that we are compatible with to varying degrees, some more than others, and the current her would seem to be very incompatible. She hides from her issues, is untruthful, secretive, holds grudges, whatever. It is easy once you learn to say to yourself it is over, the past her that you fell in love with is gone and the new her is someone you do not like. Once you start living your own life, separating your identity, and seeing the new you, someone stronger, no longer needing her, your feleings will be different. Something neglected like love, over time, it fades if left unnourished. That is why keeping busy will help. Think about past people that one time you were close to, but no longer. The draw to be around that person diminished over time.


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## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

So another week has passed and it has been an eye opening week. Had a long discussion with some of her family (they contacted me) and they said this leaving suddenly for greener pastures is something she and her sister have been doing over and over their entire lives. They also said they wanted to warn me when we first met that I needed to be careful because they knew I'd eventually get hurt, but, over time she seemed to be a completely different person when she was with me than she had been in the past and they thought maybe she had changed. Since she walked out on me she's talked to them and they see the "old" her back. She's telling them things they know are not true and things that don't make any sense -- same as the old parent, leave a guy for someone new, trash talk the old guy, then be fully committed to someone they are going to trash in five or six years. Their advise was to run.

I went to an attorney and decided to just file and try to move on and I got word to her through her family. Last night she called and said she was driving back from her attorney's office and she was told it would be a lot easier and less costly if the two of us just talked and worked through the details ourselves. Then she asked if I'd really filed and she asked why I'd do that so soon. I explained it was because she simply was not communicating and I had been hearing from others that she had decided to move on (and I saw her cell phone records and the calls, texts, picture notes that she was exchanging frequently with a local, and unknown, number -- but I didn't mention that). She said I really hadn't waited long enough and she was still trying to figure things out and she said I should hold off and let her think. I explained that if I was going to wait we needed to have some understanding of what we were trying to accomplish by the "separation", how we were going to communicate, if we were going to try counseling, etc., and she said "ok, stop whatever you are doing and I'll call you on Friday and we can talk". Of course this made all the emotions spring up again and I had a miserable night alternating between hope and despair thinking that maybe this nightmare was going to end.

This morning I was thinking about the call and thought, she called me on the way back from her attorney and she only called me because she wasn't ready for the expense of divorce, not because she is actually thinking about fixing things and I though maybe she was just playing with my emotions to get me to delay until the timing is better for her. I decided to check her phone records online again and discovered she changed the password to the account so I cannot log on. 

Today I can't get my head straight. Am I reading something into the call I shouldn't? Is she really wanting a delay to work things out?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think you took away some of her control by contacting an attorney. She's wants it on her terms and by doing what you did, she's changing her strategy. By delaying the communication until Friday (why Friday BTW?), she took back control again.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If she wanted to work things out, why did she see an attorney? She's playing mind games with you. File now and don't look back. You have to stiffen your spine and follow through.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Call her HR department at work and find out if se can remove you from her healthcare law.


Her HR dept has no say in who she includes or excludes from her health insurance but you have the right idea, she cannot legally just drop him from her health insurance, not without a court order. 

Since he has filed for divorce, he should speak to his attorney about filing a petition that she must keep him on her health insurance plan until the divorce is final, that's pretty standard stuff nowadays. It prolongs the inevitable but it buys that much more time. 

Good job getting right to the filing and being done with her. Most guys- at least the ones who post here looking for advice- would sit around waiting for her to decide if she wanted to stick around and trying to figure out how to change her mind. 

As far as the "incident' 4 years ago where you consoled the older woman. I see nothing wrong with it at all other than your need to overly explain and apologize for something that was perfectly legitimate. 

If she's bringing it up now it's only to justify her own actions nothing more. Don't get hung up on it.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Simply... leave the things that are hurting you.

You know it will happen again, the lesson should be learned... don't wait for a merciless teacher.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

File, OP, FILE! I know your emotions are with her but, bro, she is now your enemy. If you don't take your head out of you-know-where she is going to mop the floor with you.

Yes, she is playing mind games with you. Selfish people like her like to be on pedestals. The fact that you filed showed her that you don't care anymore. That actually made you a little attractive in her eyes. Like a man, you were taking action, cold logical action without sentiments. Now that you conceded to her request for more time she knows you are still yearning for her and now you are back to looking like a little boy in her eyes.

If you don't make a move now you better bend over and get ready to be pegged.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You totally screwed up her game by filing. GOOD FOR YOU. Whatever her issue is with it is not your problem, so stay the course. Sounds to me like she has found someone new.


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## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

Thank you 3Xnocharm. I wanted to post another follow up note and say thank you again to everyone that has taken the time to reach out to a total stranger. I'm sure many of you are hurting too so you are definitely an amazing group. Just to let everyone know, even though she called me yesterday and hinted there might be some hope and wanted me to wait and it brought back all the hope and all the pain, I decided to stay the course and let my attorney go ahead and file. I have to say, making that decision was the hardest thing I ever had to do and on the drive over to the attorney's office I thought a million times about just turning around, and I thought a million times that maybe I was making a mistake and if I just followed her request to wait maybe, just maybe things would really stop and she'd come back. After I said go I went back to my car and cried but after it was done I thought back through all the post I've read and all the responses I've received and realized that I just had to do it. If she does really care to fix things and she can explain why all of this happened I can always drop the case -- right up to the final day, or, there is no law against remarrying even if it goes that way, but, if she really is playing games (and sadly I believe she is as much as I don't want to believe it) I can't let it drag my life even lower and I need to get on the path to healing sooner rather than later. That said, it still hurts, it hurts terribly, and I continue to second guess myself. I know the pain is going to be my constant companion for quite awhile and it's tough not to feel like I just put a stake through my own heart but I'm really trying to think about taking care of myself instead of letting myself become more depressed and in the end I have to believe I've done the right thing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think if her own family is telling you to, run you should. I mean it's HER family telling you. Look it takes a while to get over it and the only thing that gets you there is time. The longer you wait in limbo the longer you delay your recovery. Even if you do get back there is no guarantee that she won't do this again. Doesn't sound like you have kids, you can completely start over and not have to deal with this uncertainty. 

Even if you try to stay you will still have to deal with the pain, better to treat it like chemo, take your meds, hurt for a while and get healed.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

C&S,

i think your following the right course, though difficult and hard, as you said you can both pull back at the last minute or if you find love again with each other in the future you can get remarried. Either way the important thing now is that you have demonstrated to her that you are not going to play the waiting game that so many men and women play when looking at separation. You have made a decisive decision and the ball is now in her court, she must decide if this marriage is worth saving or not...whether her shenanigans and deceptive behavior will come to an end and she will be up front and honest with you or it will continue, and you will be a deeply hurt but wiser man. I woudl point out that she changed her password and that will stop immediately or she can talk through your attorney only. good luck.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Now is the time to support the path you have chosen... get some new sport shoes of any flavor, doesn't matter and the least expensive the better as you will wear them out quickly and get outside now, weather be damned.

Walk, jog, hike, scramble... just play like you were a kid again. Grab a friend and drag them with you!

Toss out all the garbage with all that crappy processed sugar, fats and artificial "blah" and get some fresh fruit and veg in, lean anything, some good natural low-salt seasonings, and invest again in yourself. If you are not practiced in preparing meals grab some ideas for what you like and spend the time learning it.

Think about meditation... open your mind to finding the peace you need. Think "spiritual" in any sense that brings calm and rejoin that if you've walked away or join it another way... but find a foothold and embrace it.

Reflect on the good experiences and joys you did share as lessons in happiness, they cannot be ignored and have value, and while it is the pain and sadness that surfaces first, skim that off with all the other activities that show you how you love yourself, respect yourself, and believe in yourself.

Peace will come, may it be with you soon.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I wouldn't try to work things out with her, she seems set to leave you right now. That might change in a month or so but for right now I'd play her game. Remove her from all your bank accounts, charge cards and replace the locks on the house and continue with the filing. I think that you're making the right move, it was her decision to leave.


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## Confusedandstressed (Nov 7, 2016)

New day, new information and it has been welcome to the twilight zone. If anyone can figure this out I'd sure like the help since my mind is completely blown. Quick recap, I have been married for eight years and it seemed the perfect marriage. Two weeks ago my wife just left. Sent me on some errands and disappeared while I was gone. Since then she's been uncommunicative and the very few times I've heard anything it has been angry, bitter, and nonsensical. Her family reached out to me and said they are not surprised, this has been her personality and although she has been completely different since being with me, this fits exactly how she and her two sisters have done to people in every relationship they have had (and we're 50 so there have been lots). Changes every 5 or so years. I took some advice from folks here and looked into her cell phone records and immediately noticed an unusual number of calls and texts from an unknown number. Went ahead and filed for divorce and it wasn't a happy moment but seemed necessary.

Today, out of the blue, I got a call that put everything together. I have a brother (biological brother but we were raised apart and have only spoken once or twice in 30+ years) who lives halfway across the country and suddenly today he calls me. The very first thing he had to say was chilling. He said he'd waited a long time to make me finally pay (never said what for) and he's really happy to see he was able to pull it off. He said he's been reaching out to my wife over the past couple months telling her I had set up online accounts on dating sites and I was running around behind her back. He told her I've been doing this for years and he's finally had enough and he had to tell her. He also told her that everything she knew about me was a lie and I really had a lot of secrets in my background I never told her about and he proceeded to "fill her in" on all kinds of stuff that wasn't true but I couldn't disprove. He said he even enlisted some other people that professed to know me from long ago to confirm his stories. I was stunned and I asked him why he'd do something like this, especially since I hadn't spoken to him in years and years. His reply was I had it coming for a long time. I also told him the things he was doing and saying were not true and his response was "it's all true if she believes it". He then said he's far from done, he laughed and hung up. This makes the crazy stuff she's been saying make a lot more sense but the whole thing makes absolutely no sense. I can't believe she is actually accepting a single thing he says (she's only met him once but I think they are connected on facebook) since he really knows nothing about me at all and so much of what she's mad about is so far out of character for me and she's had a decade to see that. I have no idea what has actually been said or who these other allegedly "past friends of mine" are but it's clear whatever they have said she is believing. What I do know is she and I have not been talking and the few times we did it was frustrating, and I filed already so she's certainly got that in her mind making it look like I'm the one pushing things.

As it stands, I've already filed and I'm not stopping it but I'm really rattled and have no idea what to even think here. What kind of person does something like this?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This sounds too ridiculous to be true. You really need to get her to talk to you. Flat out ask her about your brother, dont wait for her to offer info. She knows, being your wife, that he has barely had contact with you, so it seems unlikely she would believe anything he said. As for getting other people to back it up, that sounds like a load of crap to me.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Confusedandstressed said:


> the whole thing makes absolutely no sense.


It doesn't but maybe if you let me write the next chapter we can get this back on track.

The two of you are identical twins and he takes your place. 

There's a lot of good material here.


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