# resentment/counseling



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

my wife told me that there are issues from 7 years ago as far as how i treated her.. and she wants our counselor to go back and address that.. problem is i dont even remember it and the counselor has been trying to build from where we are now.. i didnt even understand how she can live with that much resentment from years ago and for the most part act like everything is fine.. so its like she doesnt want to move forward right now... 

i was raised with no " i love yous" and no hugs.. no wonder i had a hard time expressing affection daily.. and on top of that i never really knew how she wanted to be loved.. this just came out in counseling and i never knew how i wanted to be loved.

sometimes i wonder if i can even endure this..pain everyday..
not sure i get the dig up all the past hurts thing.. whats the point..


----------



## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

Sometimes the past stuff needs to be out and healed before someone can move forward. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's not important or valid. 

I guess I feel that the fact that she's willing to go to counseling and work with you is amazing. My H refuses to work things out. He's done and it doesn't matter what the past held. If you love your W, take this opportunity to learn, heal, and love. I wish I had had that chance.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

i hear u.. ive been putting in MAXIMUN work these last 6 weeks and she has put in nothing... im in limbo land.. very difficult..


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

plus how the hell do you heal how u treated someone 7 years ago.. ? ... really feel like cussin sometimes about this whole thing.. life is a trip


----------



## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

I had the same problem. You can't heal it mutually, you have to do it on your own, in my opinion. I had already apologized for things that had happened in the past. Time to move on. The person that still has the feelings over it needs to do some individual counseling to help.


----------



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

socal04 said:


> my wife told me that there are issues from 7 years ago as far as how i treated her.. and she wants our counselor to go back and address that.. problem is i dont even remember it and the counselor has been trying to build from where we are now.. i didnt even understand how she can live with that much resentment from years ago and for the most part act like everything is fine.. so its like she doesnt want to move forward right now...
> 
> i was raised with no " i love yous" and no hugs.. no wonder i had a hard time expressing affection daily.. and on top of that i never really knew how she wanted to be loved.. this just came out in counseling and i never knew how i wanted to be loved.
> 
> ...


Hi!
The only reason I'm responding is b/c I wanted to shed some light on maybe why your W wants to talk about the past. Now, given, I don't know the details, but I do know that I'd like the same opportunity for my own reasons.

My problem is, my H won't even consider going to therapy....AT ALL. He says it's a waste of money blah blah blah....which I think he means, "I don't want to deal with this, we don't have any problems".....he's in total denial.

I commend you for even going, it shows that you love her and are willing to do the work to make your marriage work.

For me, going back to the past to deal with something is more about how "I'm" feeling....to put it out there so it doesn't happen again and let it go....let it go.

And I can tell you how I lived with that resentment for so many years....denial - plain and simple. Sweep it under the rug, and not dealing with it. Maybe she's ready to deal with it. It's ok you don't remember it, it didn't happen to you so you're not carrying it around....but let her get it out. Make efforts to never do it again....

I hope it all works out, good luck to you! Keep up the good work!

M


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, let her bring up the 7 year-ago stuff and you can apologize profusely and get on with life. Odds are, her unhappiness has little to do with ancient history and probably more to do with her unhappiness with herself. Unable to articulate her real concerns, she is forced to find something in the history books. You aren't perfect and it's possible you really hurt her badly 7 years ago. Ok, apologize, make ammends, and remove that issue from her basket of complaints. If it's troubling your wife, it should be important enough to trouble you, too, even if it doesn't make sense to you and even if you don't remember it. Assume it happened the way she remembers and just acknowledge her pain and apologize for it. Bury that old carcass deeply and both of you can drive on. Often, people just need to be validated and it costs nothing to say, "I'm sorry". Apologies are cheaper than therapy and imagine the potential make-up sex associated with fixing a 7 year old problem!


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

thx


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

ive absorbed so much from her.. its like im trying to not dislike myself as a result.. guess i'll absorb more...

sometimes her viewpoint makes me look/feel like the worse person in the world.. which isnt true.. everyday for the last 16 years hasnt been miserable..


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

socal04 I've been where you are and it's hard. When I started MC I was made to be the bad one in the relationship and while eventually I saw that it was in fact true it hurt. After reading your posts and PM'ing you I kinda see where your wife is coming from. She wants emotion, intimacy and passion from you and you are unable to give that to her due to your past. Instead of disliking yourself can you not look at both your wife and counselor as trying to help you? And even if it doesn't work out with your wife (always a possibility) you will have these skills to take with you to whoever you end up with next. The work you are doing will not be wasted. Learning to love openly will be the best gift you could ever give to yourself.

I wish you well. I know the hard work that lay in front of you but I can honestly say it will be worth it no matter the outcome.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Obviously, you aren't Adolf Hitler. Whatever happened 7 years ago wasn't bad enough for her to leave or even to seriously address back then. Letting her vent, acknowledging her feelings, isn't the same as agreeing with her that you're evil incarnate. She's entitled to her opinions and feelings and it's only right to allow her to express them. If you hurt her, even unintentionally, I'm sure you regret doing so. Just apologize and take the wind out of that sail. It's hard to attack someone who occupies the high ground. She's had 7 years to talk herself into your "wrongness", so there's little point in arguing about whatever it was.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

i do look at thenm as trying to help me and i have been open emtionally the last 6 weeks but she says she cant give me that till she digs into things shes upset about.. so before while we did have "some affection" not enough obviously.. now we have nothing.. and i wait for her.. still working on myself and meditating and getting counseling.. still have anxiety and trouble breathing every day.. its just tough waiting in limbo.... im wayy more intuned to affection and trying to give her what she needs but shes not there right now... so i wait.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

thanks unbelievable.. i appreciate it


----------

