# I fear my wife's threats are about to become a reality



## flash6

My wife and I have been married almost three years, and we've known each other for almost seven. In our three years, she has threatened be almost constantly with "I want a divorce." or some variation of it. But hours or even minutes later, she would always relent and come hug me and ask me something in her sweetest voice. (Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee?) It happened so often that I eventually just learned to ignore it, thinking that she was just flying off the handle, and that was what she would say when she was upset.

I should say that I'm a very passive person. I never, ever fought back when she would yell at me. I would pretty much let her walk all over me since we first met. In the last few months, and especially in the last few weeks, I've tried to stand up for myself more both to her and outside the relationship to other people as well. It's going ok.

But now she has said to me that she doesn't love me anymore - that I've disappointed her and that she can't trust me and that she's leaving. (but she still wants to be my friend...) She said I'm a great friend and a great guy, but not husband material. The thing is, we both want to have a family, but she says that I've consistently shown I don't actually want to have one. (I do.) I just got a new job, and she said that it was a disappointment because it didn't pay enough for us to have a child and have her not work for a couple years. (we both agreed this would be what is best for the child.)

She has also said that she's not attracted to me at all. We have sex very rarely, maybe once every 3 months. She is always willing to give it to me if I ask, but she makes it very clear that she's not into it at all - and I feel so guilty for asking that I just stopped asking in the first place.

She has threatened to leave for a long time, but this time she is actually saying that she had a revelation and she's going to be leaving on Tuesday. It scares me because she's never been this serious before. I've suggested a marriage counselor, but she just laughs at me. I've tried being extra nice and getting her things, and I've tried standing up for myself and telling her no sometimes (she just laughs and says it's obvious I'm faking it). 

I don't know what to do anymore. I love her dearly and would change anything in my life for her - but she says that she doesn't believe I would follow through.

What can I do to save my marriage?


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## Jellybeans

This is not a marriage.

When someone constantly throws the "Divorce" word everytime an argument is had--it's weak. It shows they are immature. 

Thre are a lot of red flags here: the liberal use of the D word, her saying she's not attracted to you, the sexlessness, and her saying she doesn't love you. Those are MAJOR problems. 

And they hurt.

Talk to her about how you feel. Stop being passive. Say that it hurts you. You can only do your part (stop being passive and take a stand) -- and she will also have to meet you halfway.

If Tuesday comes and she leaves, tell her you are sorry she felt she had to bail.

But don't chase her. Let her go.


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## flash6

I've tried being less passive for sure. It's difficult because it's not who I am - but when I realized that it may be the only way to save the relationship, I decided to try to stick to my guns about it. I've been pressing it even more in the last week. I told her yesterday for the first time in our 3 year marriage that I thought she was wrong and she needed to change some things if we wanted to keep this relationship alive as opposed to taking all the blame myself.

She sulked and said she didn't want to change. That she didn't love me anymore, and she didn't respect me, and it wasn't even worth it to her to try.

Then later that night in bed she said to me quietly that she didn't like the new me, she wanted the old me back, that the "new" me was mean to her. I didn't know what to say to that.

Should I just keep standing up? 

I know it sounds horrible, but I just want to make her happy, and to have her be happy with me, and live happily ever after with our house and our kids and our dog - but it's looking less and less like that will be possible.


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## ku1980rose

flash6 said:


> That she didn't love me anymore, and she didn't respect me, and it wasn't even worth it to her to try.


This struck a chord with me as this is how I've come to feel about my h in a way. I've lost respect for my h. He is a great guy. He would do anything for me. But, sometimes just being a "nice guy" isn't enough. My h lets people walk all over him, including me. He is only now starting to learn to be different and stand up for himself, due to the fact that I threatened to move out, we attended mc, and the counselor and him are doing private one-on-one sessions. It's not that I want him to be mean to me, it's that I need him to be the dominate male in our relationship. I need to feel protected. And, who can feel protected by someone who lets everyone beat him down and can't ever stand up for himself??? 

If you are truly willing to change, then try counseling. With or without her. Whether or not I stay with my h, he needs to complete this counseling and learn to be a stronger man. It will do him good in all parts of his life. 

I'm not saying she is in the right. She's not. She shouldn't be saying "divorce" all the time. And it sounds like she's giving you mixed signals. But, I can see where her lack of respect and disinterest in sex come from. I'm not sure how to explain it to you, so I hope you understand some of what I"m trying to say. 

Good luck!


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## sweet_jane

ku1980rose, how are those counselling sessions working out for your h? Is he learning to be more dominant? I'm going through a very similar issue with my h and I am at my wits end!


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## unbelievable

She tells you she doesn't find you attractive and doesn't love you and she almost never has sex with you, frequently tells you she wants a divorce, and yells at you? Her idea of being sweet is permitting you to bring her a cup of coffee??? I'd be more worried that she'd stay, to be perfectly honest. Sounds like Satan threatening to release someone from hell. She'd be out so quick, she'd think a missile was strapped to her butt and roller skates were on her feet.


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## golfergirl

unbelievable said:


> She tells you she doesn't find you attractive and doesn't love you and she almost never has sex with you, frequently tells you she wants a divorce, and yells at you? Her idea of being sweet is permitting you to bring her a cup of coffee??? I'd be more worried that she'd stay, to be perfectly honest. Sounds like Satan threatening to release someone from hell. She'd be out so quick, she'd think a missile was strapped to her butt and roller skates were on her feet.


Your name suits you - unbelievable! You kill me everytime. Very colorfully put but dead on! 
OP - and you want her to stay - why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

One thing to think about... Read through the other posts in here, and look for the ones that describe the effects of a wife losing respect for her husband. There's lots to chose from. And many of them end up just where you are now.

My point is that unless you deal with your issues, your next relationship willl end up the same as this one. So regardless of whether you can save your marriage or not, it may be worthwhile to work on yourself.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

I may be alone, but I'm of the opinion that it's reasonable to expect adults to extend common decent treatment to someone they marry. It's not the job of a rape victim to teach their assailant to be a decent human being. Why would it be the job of a victim of spousal abuse to teach their wife or husband minimum standards of acceptable conduct? People who can't manage to behave with common decency don't deserve love or loyalty or to reap any of the fruits of marriage. They deserve to be abandoned.


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## Locard

Take control, ask her if she needs help packing! If she really wanted a divorce she would already be gone! Have some self respect and dont' let her control you.


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## PBear

unbelievable said:


> I may be alone, but I'm of the opinion that it's reasonable to expect adults to extend common decent treatment to someone they marry. It's not the job of a rape victim to teach their assailant to be a decent human being. Why would it be the job of a victim of spousal abuse to teach their wife or husband minimum standards of acceptable conduct? People who can't manage to behave with common decency don't deserve love or loyalty or to reap any of the fruits of marriage. They deserve to be abandoned.


I don't think anyone is arguing that his wife deserves a whole lot of positive rewards for her behavior. I'm sure not. But one of the expressions I've seen in here is something like "People treat us as we teach them to treat us.". In this situation, the OP has taught his spouse that it's ok to treat him this way, because he apparently doesn't mind it. Based on the idea of "fitness tests" she might have been pushing him to see if he would ever man up and do something to deserve some respect from her. Whether it's right or wrong, it's not uncommon.

Now the question is, what is he going to do about it. Mildly let her walk away, move on to the next relationship with the same baggage? Or at least start working on WTF happened here, so he can try to prevent it in the future. If you look at some of the threads in the men's clubhouse, there are success stories of guys who were able to turn things around and make their marriages better because of it. And hopefully, there's a reason why the OP married this woman in the first place. Maybe they can rediscover it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

PBear, I do understand your position and I don't entirely disagree with it. It does irk me a bit that a guy can't be supportive and loving without being taken advantage of by some Battle Axe. Isn't that the idea? For two people to give 100% to each other? His problem isn't that he gives too much, it's that he gives to an undeserving shell who won't reciprocate. My grandparents have been married over 70 years and either would take a bullet for the other. They both give all they have and either one could have taken advantage of the other if they wished. You can't love without being vulnerable but there are evil people who simply take advantage of vulnerability.


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## PBear

Unbelievable, I can't disagree with any of that. It seems these days, being nice is like putting a balloon over your head that says "please take advantage of me". In almost any relationship... Random stranger, co- worker, friend, even family. Don't have any solutions for that, myself... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flash6

ku1980rose said:


> This struck a chord with me as this is how I've come to feel about my h in a way. I've lost respect for my h. He is a great guy. He would do anything for me. But, sometimes just being a "nice guy" isn't enough. My h lets people walk all over him, including me. He is only now starting to learn to be different and stand up for himself, due to the fact that I threatened to move out, we attended mc, and the counselor and him are doing private one-on-one sessions. It's not that I want him to be mean to me, it's that I need him to be the dominate male in our relationship. I need to feel protected. And, who can feel protected by someone who lets everyone beat him down and can't ever stand up for himself???
> 
> If you are truly willing to change, then try counseling. With or without her. Whether or not I stay with my h, he needs to complete this counseling and learn to be a stronger man. It will do him good in all parts of his life.
> 
> I'm not saying she is in the right. She's not. She shouldn't be saying "divorce" all the time. And it sounds like she's giving you mixed signals. But, I can see where her lack of respect and disinterest in sex come from. I'm not sure how to explain it to you, so I hope you understand some of what I"m trying to say.
> 
> Good luck!


This is very insightful from a female point of view. The thing is, I've been like this since we've known each other - why is it just becoming a real problem now? I'm willing to try to step up, but why couldn't she just say that?

Thanks for the advice though, it's very helpful.



golfergirl said:


> OP - and you want her to stay - why?


Hey, what can I say? I love her. We've integrated our lives to the point where it would be horribly painful to separate ourselves. Neither one of us has any real friends outside of each other. Plus we share probably 90% of the same interests. 



PBear said:


> One thing to think about... Read through the other posts in here, and look for the ones that describe the effects of a wife losing respect for her husband. There's lots to chose from. And many of them end up just where you are now.
> 
> My point is that unless you deal with your issues, your next relationship willl end up the same as this one. So regardless of whether you can save your marriage or not, it may be worthwhile to work on yourself.


I'm convinced that the loss of respect is being caused by my general fear of standing up for myself to her and other people, which is in turn at the root of these problems. I have looked over some of the other threads, but I feel like my case is a bit different than all of them (Everyone says that, right?). However, I have been trying to deal with my own issues for a long time. Now that it's down to the wire I'm really trying to step it up and "be a man."



PBear said:


> I don't think anyone is arguing that his wife deserves a whole lot of positive rewards for her behavior. I'm sure not. But one of the expressions I've seen in here is something like "People treat us as we teach them to treat us.". In this situation, the OP has taught his spouse that it's ok to treat him this way, because he apparently doesn't mind it. Based on the idea of "fitness tests" she might have been pushing him to see if he would ever man up and do something to deserve some respect from her. Whether it's right or wrong, it's not uncommon.


I see now that ever since we started seriously dating I have always put her way up on a pedestal - and pretty much told her she can do no wrong. Everything from always saying that I was the one needing to change my ways, to getting her gifts, to letting her yell at me and never fighting back. I always let her walk all over me and just took it because I didn't want to be mean to her. I see now that maybe she needed a little bit of fighting back.



PBear said:


> Now the question is, what is he going to do about it. Mildly let her walk away, move on to the next relationship with the same baggage? Or at least start working on WTF happened here, so he can try to prevent it in the future. If you look at some of the threads in the men's clubhouse, there are success stories of guys who were able to turn things around and make their marriages better because of it. And hopefully, there's a reason why the OP married this woman in the first place. Maybe they can rediscover it.


If I stay the way I am, I think the marriage is pretty much over. I do have baggage, and I need to find a way to solve it. I think the key is being able to stand up for myself without being mean to her about it.

What I wonder is, if I haven't changed and I've been like this for the entire time she has known me, why has it only become a problem in the last two years? Why wouldn't she have left me when we were dating, or at least told me it was an issue with her?




unbelievable said:


> PBear, I do understand your position and I don't entirely disagree with it. It does irk me a bit that a guy can't be supportive and loving without being taken advantage of by some Battle Axe. Isn't that the idea? For two people to give 100% to each other? His problem isn't that he gives too much, it's that he gives to an undeserving shell who won't reciprocate. My grandparents have been married over 70 years and either would take a bullet for the other. They both give all they have and either one could have taken advantage of the other if they wished. You can't love without being vulnerable but there are evil people who simply take advantage of vulnerability.


Nice guys finish last. I'm finally understanding the truth to that. Ideally I would love her, and she would be supportive of me - but she says that I fail her so often that she's never supports me in anything I want.

I just switched jobs a few months ago, sidesteping from the field I worked in for 5 years after graduating from college into a related field. I already made a decent sum of money before I switched, and only got a small raise since I changed fields. Her first response when I told her about my new job and salary? "You're 27 and your career is at a dead end. You'll never make any money and you failed me." Seriously...

And of course, I rolled over and said I'm so sorry, I failed you, etc etc. Sigh. I don't know what to do with her sometimes.


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## DayDream

flash6 said:


> What I wonder is, if I haven't changed and I've been like this for the entire time she has known me, why has it only become a problem in the last two years?QUOTE]
> 
> Because of the common and cliche phrase of "Love is Blind". The honeymoon period ended and reality started settling in. Plus women always go into a relationship thinking they can change the guy.
> 
> I have a friend who is the exact same, if not worse, than you. His wife now wants a separation and for the thirteen years I've known him I've been telling him he lets her get her way too much, he needs to put his foot down sometimes, he needs to be more assertive, and I could see this coming years ago. However, it hit him like a Mack truck when she brought up the subject of separation.
> 
> What people say on here is true...women want a man to be a man and to put his foot down sometimes. As much as my husband has made me angry with standing firm on stuff and not letting me have my way, I respect him greatly for it and ultimately - it's a turn on. So go for some assertiveness training and counciling for this.
> 
> You sound like a great guy, and niceness is not the problem. Ask yourself this, "Am I really being nice or am I just being lazy by not wanting to fight back or stand my ground?" It's the same principle as parents who don't discipline their children and give in all the time...the kids end up being spoiled brats. They don't appreciate how fortunate they are to have what they have. These parents love their kids so much, or on the other hand might just be too lazy, to put the effort in to maybe risk hurting their kids' feelings when in reality it is just what the kids need to learn to be productive, appreciative, good people.
> 
> A group of people and I here are trying to teach our friend this now. Goodluck with things. I really do hope they turn out good for you.


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## Jellybeans

unbelievable said:


> She tells you she doesn't find you attractive and doesn't love you and she almost never has sex with you, frequently tells you she wants a divorce, and yells at you? Her idea of being sweet is permitting you to bring her a cup of coffee??? I'd be more worried that she'd stay, to be perfectly honest. Sounds like Satan threatening to release someone from hell. She'd be out so quick, she'd think a missile was strapped to her butt and roller skates were on her feet.


:rofl:



unbelievable said:


> Why would it be the job of a victim of spousal abuse to teach their wife or husband minimum standards of acceptable conduct? People who can't manage to behave with common decency don't deserve love or loyalty or to reap any of the fruits of marriage. They deserve to be abandoned.


:iagree:

Omg I can relate sooo much this post. I myself was married to someone who would constantly stonewall me seemingly out of nowhere and I'd be left wondering, WTF...why isn't he talking to me again? And it culd last an entire week(s). even when I would ask why he wasn't talkign to me, he'd grunt and walk away!!! And then he'd just start talking one day like nothing ever happened. I told him it needed to stop, that relationships take two people to maintain it and that I deserved the basic human decency of being spoken too, not ignored/stonewalled intentionally. 

Well I got tired of having to explain how TALKING should be happening. People should have to tell their spouse something that is only normal. Resentment built. And I was gone one day. 

You can't treat someone like $hit and expect them to be there for you all the time. Especially not in a marriage.


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## DelinquentGurl

Of course she doesn't like the "new" you, she prefers you to be her emotional punching bag and wants you to beg her over and over to stay with you.

Nobody has the right to make anyone else feel inferior without their permission. By letting her treat you the way she has, you've basically given her a right of passage.
I'm not saying this to be unkind, but she is treating you like shat basically because you've allowed her to.

You need to love yourself enough to realize that you deserve better. 

As much as I hate to admit it, but I was just like your wife. I treated my husband the way that your wife has treated you. He finally had enough and left me 3 months ago. It has caused me to take a good look at myself and what I needed to change in my life, and I have. I believe that change is possible, but it has to be sincere.
If she is willing to change, give her the time she needs to do so, because she didn't get that way overnight and she won't be able to change overnight, but if she isn't, then you need to ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life living like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose

sweet_jane said:


> ku1980rose, how are those counselling sessions working out for your h? Is he learning to be more dominant? I'm going through a very similar issue with my h and I am at my wits end!


He is learning some. He's gone about 4 times I think. He's got a long way to go and I don't know if he understands that it could take years. I think he believes he can fix it easier than that. One of the biggest things I saw was that the counselor had him write a letter to his mom who was very physically and emotionally abusive and still has a hold over him as an adult. She plays with his feelings and he just lets her. The counselor had him write her a letter, even if he didn't want to send it. My h wrote 6 pages and sent it the next day. No response from his mom, but that's her problem. Standing up to her was a big turning point for him.

Our Marriage counseling went to hell last night. I think we are truly separating now. But, I do think he will continue personal counseling because he's just going to end up here again if he doesn't make some changes and learn how to care for himself. 

I would suggest a male counselor for your husband, if your husband wants to go. Someone who knows about assertiveness training.


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## ku1980rose

flash6 said:


> This is very insightful from a female point of view. The thing is, I've been like this since we've known each other - why is it just becoming a real problem now? I'm willing to try to step up, but why couldn't she just say that?


In my case, I like the "nice" guy. In previous relationships I didn't always get the "nice" guy. Many of my relationships started with a great physical attraction, and then we tried to build something out of that, and it didn't work. In my marriage, it started as a friendship. The physical attraction wasn't there for me, but we did somewhat build that because we loved each other. But, I'm finding that doesn't always work either. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is she probably didn't know it would bother her so much. She probably doesn't understand fully that it bothers her now. And you changing may not help this relationship at this point, but it will help you in the future.



flash6 said:


> I see now that ever since we started seriously dating I have always put her way up on a pedestal - and pretty much told her she can do no wrong. Everything from always saying that I was the one needing to change my ways, to getting her gifts, to letting her yell at me and never fighting back. I always let her walk all over me and just took it because I didn't want to be mean to her. I see now that maybe she needed a little bit of fighting back.



This is exactly like my marriage. And, in a way, I liked being on that pedestal. But, him not fighting back and always taking the blame for everything is the biggest reason I have lost my respect for him. I can't explain why I didn't understand this at the beginning. I guess we learn from our mistakes, right?



flash6 said:


> If I stay the way I am, I think the marriage is pretty much over. I do have baggage, and I need to find a way to solve it. I think the key is being able to stand up for myself without being mean to her about it.
> 
> What I wonder is, if I haven't changed and I've been like this for the entire time she has known me, why has it only become a problem in the last two years? Why wouldn't she have left me when we were dating, or at least told me it was an issue with her?



Same thing I said before. I doubt she understood it was a problem at that time. And she may not understand that is the problem now. But, if she is willing to work on it, maybe you guys can do some marriage counseling and maybe you can do some personal counseling to work on being more assertive. I've read stories on here of many guys doing a 180 and saving their marriages.



flash6 said:


> Nice guys finish last. I'm finally understanding the truth to that. Ideally I would love her, and she would be supportive of me - but she says that I fail her so often that she's never supports me in anything I want.
> 
> 
> 
> And of course, I rolled over and said I'm so sorry, I failed you, etc etc. Sigh. I don't know what to do with her sometimes.


I bought my h a book about "manning up". He read it and it really struck a chord with him. I"m sure there are many people on here that could give you some great ideas of books to read to maybe help you understand your situation. I really feel for you when reading this, though. I guess this is how I've treated my h and I can see now how much it hurts. I didn't intentionally do it. It's just how our relationship was built unfortunately.


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## flash6

Well, Tuesday came and went. I have a few more things to add to the thread.

I should mention that in addition to this being memorial day weekend, it was also my wife's birthday on Monday. We both took Tuesday off, so we had four days together.

Knowing that our marriage was on the rocks, I went the extra mile this year to make sure her birthday was extra special. I booked a dinner cruise for us, which we both enjoyed a lot. I got her several things that I knew she wanted. We played some games together, lounged around the house for a day, and generally had a lot of fun.

Every night, she cuddled up to me and hug me like she used to. And for just a little while, I was convinced I had her back.

Then Tuesday came. We were talking about something - I don't even remember what - but it turned into how she was still so disappointed with me and how she still didn't love me. I asked her if she had seen that I was actually implementing some of the changes I'd told her about, and she acknowledged that she had, but it still didn't change the fact that she wasn't in love with me, and she could never see having a family together.

And then the part that really stung - she said she could stay and keep up with the marriage, but she would never love me again, and that whenever we hugged or held hands or cuddled, it was an act for my benefit - that she didn't feel anything and she hadn't felt anything for the last half year.

I have to say, that hurt.

She got her suitcase out from the basement and brought it up and started to pack. I broke down completely. I knew even while I was doing it that I shouldn't - that a strong man would just say forget it, get out of here. But I couldn't do it - I couldn't let her go. I asked her to stay repeatedly. Begged, really. Pitiful.

She said that it didn't matter if she stayed. It would just be the same argument tomorrow or next week or next month. That she would still be disappointed and she still wouldn't love me. But she relented, and stayed. Then she got some cake that I made for her for her birthday, and we watched a show we both enjoy together. She told me to unpack her bag, so I did. We got into bed, and cuddled like any other night. She said she loved me while we were laying there.

After that incident I got her to agree to let me call a marriage councilor. I hope to make an appointment within the week.

This morning before she left for work she told me that she wants to go stay in a hotel for a week to figure things out. We left that line of conversation unresolved - but now she's calling me and talking to me and acting like that pretty much didn't happen - she says she wants to go out to dinner tomorrow to her favorite restaurant together.

I have no idea what is going on in this relationship anymore. One minute she's screaming that she wants to leave and the next she's saying she loves me. I'm desperately trying to man up, but it's not an overnight process. I still broke down when she tried to leave again. I have no idea what to do at this point - and I don't know if I even have the courage to do whatever needs to be done. I feel totally lost.


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## Sanity

flash6 said:


> Well, Tuesday came and went. I have a few more things to add to the thread.
> 
> I should mention that in addition to this being memorial day weekend, it was also my wife's birthday on Monday. We both took Tuesday off, so we had four days together.
> 
> Knowing that our marriage was on the rocks, I went the extra mile this year to make sure her birthday was extra special. I booked a dinner cruise for us, which we both enjoyed a lot. I got her several things that I knew she wanted. We played some games together, lounged around the house for a day, and generally had a lot of fun.
> 
> Every night, she cuddled up to me and hug me like she used to. And for just a little while, I was convinced I had her back.
> 
> Then Tuesday came. We were talking about something - I don't even remember what - but it turned into how she was still so disappointed with me and how she still didn't love me. I asked her if she had seen that I was actually implementing some of the changes I'd told her about, and she acknowledged that she had, but it still didn't change the fact that she wasn't in love with me, and she could never see having a family together.
> 
> And then the part that really stung - she said she could stay and keep up with the marriage, but she would never love me again, and that whenever we hugged or held hands or cuddled, it was an act for my benefit - that she didn't feel anything and she hadn't felt anything for the last half year.
> 
> I have to say, that hurt.
> 
> She got her suitcase out from the basement and brought it up and started to pack. I broke down completely. I knew even while I was doing it that I shouldn't - that a strong man would just say forget it, get out of here. But I couldn't do it - I couldn't let her go. I asked her to stay repeatedly. Begged, really. Pitiful.
> 
> She said that it didn't matter if she stayed. It would just be the same argument tomorrow or next week or next month. That she would still be disappointed and she still wouldn't love me. But she relented, and stayed. Then she got some cake that I made for her for her birthday, and we watched a show we both enjoy together. She told me to unpack her bag, so I did. We got into bed, and cuddled like any other night. She said she loved me while we were laying there.
> 
> After that incident I got her to agree to let me call a marriage councilor. I hope to make an appointment within the week.
> 
> This morning before she left for work she told me that she wants to go stay in a hotel for a week to figure things out. We left that line of conversation unresolved - but now she's calling me and talking to me and acting like that pretty much didn't happen - she says she wants to go out to dinner tomorrow to her favorite restaurant together.
> 
> I have no idea what is going on in this relationship anymore. One minute she's screaming that she wants to leave and the next she's saying she loves me. I'm desperately trying to man up, but it's not an overnight process. I still broke down when she tried to leave again. I have no idea what to do at this point - and I don't know if I even have the courage to do whatever needs to be done. I feel totally lost.


Brother if you were my friend in RL I would invite you out for a beer and be brutally honest as a friend should. 

She is the one with mental tsunami and you are being swept away, drowning in anguish. Man up and draw a line in the sand. She does not respect you and its time you showed her why the Lion should not be provoked. Good luck my friend.


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## ku1980rose

Do you think she could be seeing someone else??? That could contribute to her conflicted feelings and her ease in saying it was over. If she felt she had someone else to love her and take care of her it would make leaving easier on her part.


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## flash6

ku1980rose said:


> Do you think she could be seeing someone else??? That could contribute to her conflicted feelings and her ease in saying it was over. If she felt she had someone else to love her and take care of her it would make leaving easier on her part.


No, absolutely not. We spend pretty much every waking moment together outside of work. I'd be surprised if we spent more than a couple days apart in the entire time we've been married.

I'll keep this updated with any new developments...


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## Jellybeans

flash6 said:


> And then the part that really stung - she said she could stay and keep up with the marriage, but she would never love me again, and that whenever we hugged or held hands or cuddled, it was an act for my benefit - that she didn't feel anything and she hadn't felt anything for the last half year.
> 
> I have to say, that hurt.
> 
> She got her suitcase out from the basement and brought it up and started to pack. I broke down completely. I knew even while I was doing it that I shouldn't - that a strong man would just say forget it, get out of here. *But I couldn't do it - I couldn't let her go. I asked her to stay repeatedly. Begged, really. Pitiful*.
> 
> *She said that it didn't matter if she stayed. It would just be the same argument tomorrow or next week or next month. That she would still be disappointed and she still wouldn't love me*. But she relented, and stayed. Then she got some cake that I made for her for her birthday, and we watched a show we both enjoy together. She told me to unpack her bag, so I did. We got into bed, and cuddled like any other night. She said she loved me while we were laying there.
> 
> After that incident* I got her to agree to let me call a marriage councilor. * I hope to make an appointment within the week.


You're spinning your wheels. She is already gone. The more you cling, the worse this journey will be for you.

Ask yourself... would you treat someone the way she is treating you if you loved them? 

Pleading, begging, acting desperate ... things that will push her away further.


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