# Cloak and Dagger 3.0



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Woke up this morning, and still no anger. Not much has really changed, except for my perspective. My frame of mind.

I feel like there's so much room now, so much space. Like the craziness in my mind is gone. No more agony about the trickle truth and blame-shifting. No more wondering about the details, the lies, the minimizing, the betrayals.

No more asking questions, feeling uncomfortable trying to "talk" to each other. Last night, he just wanted to crash and watch a show on tv. Usually this would make me livid! Now I just accepted it, that's what he chooses, its OK. It won't restore our marriage, but it is what he wants after a really long work day.

So --- great! I know I have changed. I know he most likely will not be able to do the work for R. And frankly, I have realized that I don't want to do it anymore. Trying to patch up the holes in our marriage with bandaids when what it needs is CPR.

I don't feel like I'm giving up----just accepting it and moving on. Realizing I don't need him to R for me to be OK. Went out for a long walk in the pouring rain and felt exhilarated! No one else was out, if they were, they were running into their houses. I looked at all the houses and grounds. Wondering which features I really wanted in my new home.

A garden. A fireplace... A dog.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

So are you going for D?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Good for you, once you get the emotional empowerment, wow changes your whole outlook! 
I read here on TAM that the only one that can truly heal you, is you....So true!!!!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> So are you going for D?


Not sure where it will end up, really..., just know that waiting for him to give me what I need to be OK wasn't working at all.

I'm just moving on for myself. Feeling reality sink in.... just accepting the marriage is dead. If he's not on board for R, it's OK.

Not afraid anymore.

I feel like I'm getting ready to sail to the New World, if he doesn't get to the dock, I guess he'll miss this boat.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Well it seems strange. I see things so differently....but he still keeps the same responses. Last night we were supposed to finish dealing with the paperwork. To me, this means finalizing the terms and printing a copy from an online account before they charge our account again for another month of service.

It seems like we are never on the same page. Last night he kinda drew me back into our old dance, and as I was trying to explain, its ok if you don't want to do it tonight, just don't tell me that and then not do it. (He has done this 2 nights in a row now, which I reminded him of)

His reply? He actually said----"I feel like you are acting like my mom and I'm in trouble or something"

OMG, I actually found that funny. I have been having this unrelenting awareness, forgiveness and acceptance. And this I feel is a gift to him, to peace, to life.

And he is still trying to placate, procrastinate and make excuses. He doesn't seem to get that I really don't care if it moves to R or D, it just needs to move.


He did this about something else and I think he just doesn't understand that he has to keep his word.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

rock said:


> Sounds like a one-sided marriage.


Now its a one sided separation!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Hey guys....

Just wanted to say, my husband and I are going to hammer out what we need to have for R on Saturday. Originally, I was just going to give him my terms, but I now feel we both need to say what we need to move to R as I see our marriage as completely broken. 

I am not sure if he will agree to my terms or not, but I want to be VERY clear and direct. I have to move to R or D, I will no longer live in limbo----and I certainly won't live with half-hearted efforts. I want to end it with love if he cant agree....my problem is that -- in the recent past -- it is his habit to agree with me and then do what he wants behind my back. So obviously that is my fear going in.

Also, he has been posting on TAM and it has made him much more open towards me. I really wish I could post a link to his thread! So those familiar with the Cloak and Dagger thread could hear his side of the story. But I know I shouldn't do this without his permission.

Anyway, still not angry today, which is a relief. My emotional independence seems to be sticking around.

I feel this could not have happened without the TAM forums ---- I cannot say how deep the gift has been for me. 

Any thoughts on avoiding a false R?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If you say you are still not angry, it is waiting somewhere....
Deal with that beast first. You will find truth in what I say....


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> If you say you are still not angry, it is waiting somewhere....
> Deal with that beast first. You will find truth in what I say....


So this is some kind of calm before the storm? Oh boy


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> So this is some kind of calm before the storm? Oh boy


Anger, mistrust, agony, pain - do not die that fast and easy. This is not one storm, there are going to be many.

That is why it is important to deal with these, to take care of yourself first.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

All you can do is express what you need and what your actions will be if those needs are or are not met - then listen to his actions - and then act according to what you laid out for him. 

If he says one thing and does another his actions tell you what his answer really was regardless of what came out of his mouth. 

Good luck. Try to keep emotion out of the discussion, it will only make it harder for both of you to listen to the other.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Had the R talk. Put my requirements on the table. He agreed to all of it, even the amended separation agreement, which I wanted one more concession included, that i would retain the option to stay or leave in the marital home. I don't know why this was important, I guess I didn't want to HAVE to stay just because I am the BS.

So.......I got all the terms i wanted, and he is being an angel. But I feel so reticent. Very wary. I knew I needed my terms or I would be gone. But it just feels strange. I don't feel the same. I feel like focusing on my own life----not the marriage. Is that bad? Is this what is supposed to happen?


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