# 10:34pm



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

That's what time it was Tuesday March 6, 2012 when I dropped the laptop on Regret214's lap as she lay fast asleep in our bed. Only 5 minutes or so prior I had used her laptop to check my emails cuz I had turned mine off. Something in my brain, for whatever reason said, "Scroll". So, I looked down just a couple lines in her gmail account before logging off to check mine and there it was...a receipt from a hotel about 30 miles away.

I was crushed. I was confused. I was hurt and angry and sad.

Her initial response as I jolted her awake was to try to cover. "It must be some kind of mistake," she said. What she didn't know is that I had also looked at her cell phone and saw the name of a guy she had texted. "A mistake? Then who is xxx?"

That was the day one year ago tonight (I know technically the date is tomorrow, but the day is what has always stuck with me). To think that a f'ng year has already gone by is astounding. That at times, I still feel like I was sucker gut punched and have also found myself a puddle on my couch...not being able to even stand up to take a shower or brush my teeth.

Most times, however, I am doing pretty well. Regret and I have enjoyed our communication and closeness that WE have deserved for so f'ng long. Our IC's & MC have all said that we've done good work in dealing with our reconciliation. But it ain't over. We all know there's a ways to go in dealing with the pain of betrayal and deception. Regret and I accept that and continue to talk openly and honestly about not only her affair, but any other part of our marriage and relationship.

I have my IC in about 2 hours. I'm usually a pretty upbeat guy. I'm the guy at the party who's always getting people to laugh. I want everyone to be in on the joke I'm telling.

I'm a little more somber right now.

That puddle on the couch.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Hear you. 

Triggers rip you apart and dates are the worst because they sit there and come up on you and without a lobotomy your mind goes through all the events and you relive it all over again.

Stay strong Dig. You have been a great help to a lot of Posters who come here and need help.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LOL...funny about the lobotomy. Regret asked me last night if there was anything she could do for me, cuz she could see my anxiety. I told her she could go grab my Dewalt drill....

I was joking.

Kinda.

But only cuz I have this semi-idetic memory thing. I can recall stuff to the minutiae from the earliest days of my life. I know smells, songs, people, places...dates and times. My friends never play Trivial Pursuit with me a second time. It helped me a ton as I learned every jet I'm type rated on cuz there was nothing I would forget once I heard it or read it.

Regret calls it a gift. A lot of times I call it a curse.

And I thank you for your kind words. It means a ton!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

What would your life look like if you had walked out that door?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Tough to give a hypothetical based on this past year.

I guess I would imagine that I would be sitting on my couch much the same as I am this morning, except I would be in a small apartment and my kids wouldn't be here playing...my son with his R/C helicopter (yes, he's doing that before school) and my daughter who is 7 complaining that she doesn't have anything to match her skirt.

The reality is, and Regret and I did talk about this at length because we had to be prepared for what would happen if I couldn't continue with reconciliation, I wouldn't be able to afford our house on my commission salary. Not yet, at least. So, I would have gotten back into flying private jets.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1st anniversary of Dday is always hard

turn it into something positive, make it mean something more


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> 1st anniversary of Dday is always hard
> 
> turn it into something positive, make it mean something more


Gonna go cash this $1200 commission check and spend a couple bucks on dumb sh-t and a nice dinner. 

Trying to make today more positive. That's the tough part/dichotomy.

I know what the date signifies. Making it positive may somehow make me feel like I'm denying reality.

Good stuff to bring up to my IC in an hour!!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Dig, Your answer to my question seems to confirm the right decision was made for you. Your story was the first I read here a year ago, and I have been rooting for you since. I'd tell you to be strong, but you already are.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I know what the date signifies. Making it positive may somehow make me feel like I'm denying reality.


positive doesnt have to be denial

every Dday my wife and I do a "marital check up"

we talk about what we mean to each other, what we feel may be lacking, what we can do to improve our marriage and anything that we feel is an issue or wish to convey

we make this as a positive conversation and steer it so it doesn't become a moaning fest.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Dig, you have been an amazing inspiration to me during my time here. I hate to see you down today but know that these days are inevitable. We all have them and those of us that were betrayed will probably always have them. Its a horrible punishment that none of us deserve but we cant change it.

Hope your day gets better!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

illwill said:


> Dig, Your answer to my question seems to confirm the right decision was made for you. Your story was the first I read here a year ago, and I have been rooting for you since. I'd tell you to be strong, but you already are.


I appreciate that. I said in a thread the other day where someone was talking about reconciliation and when you know you're reconciled. My honest answer was, the day I die knowing that Regret never repeated her horrible actions that got us to this point...that would be the day I could say we're fully reconciled.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> "marital check up"


Officially stolen and part of the Dig repertoire!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> *Gonna go cash this $1200 commission check and spend a couple bucks on dumb sh-t and a nice dinner. *


And get laid!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I appreciate that. I said in a thread the other day where someone was talking about reconciliation and when you know you're reconciled. My honest answer was, the day I die knowing that Regret never repeated her horrible actions that got us to this point...that would be the day I could say we're fully reconciled.


That's why Almostrecovered is named almostrecovered. He said he'll always be "almost" recovered.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Dig, you have been an amazing inspiration to me during my time here. I hate to see you down today but know that these days are inevitable. We all have them and those of us that were betrayed will probably always have them. Its a horrible punishment that none of us deserve but we cant change it.
> 
> Hope your day gets better!


Thank you. I hope it gets a little better too, and I'm sure it will.

Big issue/trigger for me is this: Regret is the union rep for her job. Last year on this very day she had a big negotiations meeting. They were at a standstill. She was supposed to be in that meeting til about 8pm or so. Obviously, even though she did have a union meeting, it only went til about 4'ish. She got home around 8:55.

Today...she has a union meeting regarding negotiations. Freezing their pay for 3 years while upping their insurance premiums 2% each year.

Regret said that no matter what the situation...no matter how intense...she will walk out of the meeting at 4:30pm.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bfree said:


> And get laid!


Tough call. Cuz I love to get laid. Just don't wanna turn into a puddle in our bedroom.

THAT would f'ng suck moose balls.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I make puddles during sex too


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Thank you. I hope it gets a little better too, and I'm sure it will.
> 
> Big issue/trigger for me is this: Regret is the union rep for her job. Last year on this very day she had a big negotiations meeting. They were at a standstill. She was supposed to be in that meeting til about 8pm or so. Obviously, even though she did have a union meeting, it only went til about 4'ish. She got home around 8:55.
> 
> ...


You are a lucky man in that your wife knows what you need from her and if she doesnt she will ask you. I think thats a blessing!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I make puddles during sex too


Eww.



LetDownNTX said:


> You are a lucky man in that your wife knows what you need from her and if she doesnt she will ask you. I think thats a blessing!


I am lucky in an unlucky sort of way. I don't say that to demean your comment because I've said many times before - It sucks how we got to this point in our marriage, but I'm glad we're here now.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Gonna go cash this $1200 commission check and spend a couple bucks on dumb sh-t and a nice dinner.
> 
> Trying to make today more positive. That's the tough part/dichotomy.
> 
> ...


Dig, these are the types of things that you and all of us who have been involved with cheating, have to be pro-active about, IMO. I do allI can to reclaim everything I can. On the 1st anniversary of D-day, I went to a hotel and had my first (and only) MFF threesome with two hot 20-somethings I met at a bar. I have reclaimed the restaurant that Sweetie and her OM used to go to for their"lunch breaks". I actually gave some thought to buying the place and demolishing it, but that wouldn't be reclaiming it, would it? 
Sweetie just told me that on the 1st Anniversary, she went to church and prayed for forgiveness. Makes what I did seem a little outre, but it was fun, nonetheless.
Point is, You and Regret need to reclaim the day. Make it into something that you and her will remember, and that will push those bad memories to the side. It ain't easy, but it can be done. Good Luck .


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Rookie, I hope you donate that penis of yours to science after you die


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Dig, these are the types of things that you and all of us who have been involved with cheating, have to be pro-active about, IMO. I do allI can to reclaim everything I can. On the 1st anniversary of D-day, I went to a hotel and had my first (and only) MFF threesome with two hot 20-somethings I met at a bar. I have reclaimed the restaurant that Sweetie and her OM used to go to for their"lunch breaks". I actually gave some thought to buying the place and demolishing it, but that wouldn't be reclaiming it, would it?
> Sweetie just told me that on the 1st Anniversary, she went to church and prayed for forgiveness. Makes what I did seem a little outre, but it was fun, nonetheless.
> Point is, You and Regret need to reclaim the day. Make it into something that you and her will remember, and that will push those bad memories to the side. It ain't easy, but it can be done. Good Luck .


Reclaimation. Yes. Today, though I'm trying to think of something to do that with. See, they met on St. Patrick's Day. Ever since I found out all of this stuff I've hated myself to a large extent...my real name is Patrick. I said I would never celebrate that day ever again.

Until last month when I talked to Regret and we were hanging out with some new friends. They suggested hanging out for St. Paddy's day at this great pub. I told them I'd have to check our calendar. Truth is...I just didn't wanna f'ng go and celebrate that damn day.

Then I thought about it exactly as you stated. Why not go and reclaim that day? So, we got a sitter for the kids signed up last week and we'll be making that day ours. Again.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> ...my real name is Patrick.


_I don't have anything big or profound to add...... I just want to tell you that I think "Patrick" is a beautiful name. And, I think that you are an incredible person with a beautiful soul. My wish for you and Regret is that you will happily celebrate St. Patrick's Day.... and every day.... and never look back._


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The first antiversary is tough, but it gets better by the second one. You're never fully healed, but you will heal enough to take some joy in the marriage again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SomedayMick


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> That's what time it was Tuesday March 6, 2012 when I dropped the laptop on Regret214's lap as she lay fast asleep in our bed.
> 
> *Hugs to you! March 6, 2012 was DD4 for me. March 7 will be 1 year NC. *


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Rookie, I hope you donate that penis of yours to science after you die


By that time, Sweetie will have worn it down to the size of an elbow macaroni.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> By that time, Sweetie will have worn it down to the size of an elbow macaroni.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Reclaimation. Yes. Today, though I'm trying to think of something to do that with. See, they met on St. Patrick's Day. Ever since I found out all of this stuff I've hated myself to a large extent...my real name is Patrick. I said I would never celebrate that day ever again.
> 
> Until last month when I talked to Regret and we were hanging out with some new friends. They suggested hanging out for St. Paddy's day at this great pub. I told them I'd have to check our calendar. Truth is...I just didn't wanna f'ng go and celebrate that damn day.
> 
> Then I thought about it exactly as you stated. Why not go and reclaim that day? So, we got a sitter for the kids signed up last week and we'll be making that day ours. Again.


Yes, reclamation is key. I like your plan. Go with it. If I may, let me tell you my first DDay anniversary reclamation story...

DDay1 was 5/4/2011. That was the day I was in a Vegas hotel on business and read a 2-week old email that ruined my innocence forever. The email outlined how my W and the OM ran into each other at a bar after a Cubs game. And how the OM went into a jealous tirade about her innocently talking to other dudes there with her friends. Etc. 

Anyway, it was time for next year's Cub outing, and the game was on the actual DDay anniversary. I grabbed a buddy, left work early, took the EL to Wrigleyville, and met up with my W and her friends at the bars. Spend the whole evening with them, took her home that night, and screwed her brains out.

The next day, I thought, "You know, this whole DDay anniversary thing really isn't that big a deal."


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thinking of you Dig. Hope your IC session goes ok and you and Regret have a reasonably good evening.
Ddays all around for me this month. Trying to detach a bit but don't know if that's the right way to deal with it, but we'll see!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know what it felt like on July 8th it was a very tough day for me as well. My wife sort of hid out on me that day. We talked about it in MC and she said she did not know what to do or say so backed off.

Other mile stones are tough as well Valentines day, birthdays, Christmas and so on. Yes the 2nd ones get easier but I think I will always have that dark cloud when those days hit.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The first year of 'firsts' was WAY harder for me than the seconds. Now I'm coming up on thirds and they're hardly a blip on my radar 

I love reading about how well you and Regret are doing. This time next year you'll be posting about how much easier it is than this year was!


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Dig, reading this thread with some interest. Lot's of anniversaries around here this past week. AMU left this morning for the same "sales kickoffs" where all our fun began last year. Was about 7 weeks ago when we were in NOLA I learned of her travel plans while she was with me but talking on the phone with the same colleague (female) she was with the famous night on the beach and who will again be her travel companion. Felt like a kick in the head at the time. Feeling slightly more inured now.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> This time next year you'll be posting about how much easier it is than this year was!


This time next year Dig will be a scratch golfer.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

illwill said:


> What would your life look like if you had walked out that door?


This is what I'm finding out. And I'm starting to like it...


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

SD, my heart goes out to you...know exactly how you feel...my H's affair lasted 6 years, week in and week out, with some sort of daily contact, anything from a text to a call to an email to a physical meeting for sex or just companionship with OW. We are 20 months from Dday and the triggers are still very bad for me, can't seem to get them to stop. Unfortunately like you, my H conducted his affair in our home (in an outbuilding on our property while I was home!), and even bed at times so that my entire world of safety and security, my sacred places were violated. Everything I see can be a trigger if I let it! Our reconciliation is made more difficult as his AP continues to try to make contact every 4 months or so, which I intercept because of hypervigilance...I think she is convinced their relationship was some kind of tragic love story, meant for each other bull****. (She obviously hasn't reconnected with her own H!) The truth is I believe my husbands remorse is honest and deep, he has stated that it will be a burden he will carry for the rest of his life. I believe that he is committed to rebuilding our love and marriage, that he won't go underground with OW. But we must solve the problems in our relationship(50% of which I caused) that led to his alienation, selfishment, abandonment of marriage, preference for another, etc. AND we make actual day to day progress that can be felt and seen by each other. I remain hypervigilant and emotionally reactionary(dramatic) due to my distrust of OW. So I, like you, walk a very very narrow line in my relationship...How to let go of the past, and not allow it to intrude on every aspect of our life, forge a new relationship based on what happens from this day forward, discovering who this man really is NOW who I still feel is the only love of my life. Most importantly, understanding what my life was and who I thought I was during those years of deceit and who I am to become as I heal. But let me reassure you: it can be done! If both of you are determined to rediscover the love that bound you together to begin with, come hell or highwater, you can do it. It has been the single most difficult and painful event of my 60 years but I am optimistic we can get thru this and so can you and Regret. May I humbly suggest a very simple, but very difficult tact when triggering? Immediately and consistantly replace the triggering thought, the painful memory or image of the past with an optimistic one, a happy memory, a positive affirming belief in your wife or yourself and meditate on that until the pain subsides...and then do anything to distract yourself. Do this over and over again until the memory circuits of your brain are rewired so to speak. The more negatively we think, the more those thoughts get hardwired and become our default way of thinking...scientific fact, no more, no less...please please hang in there...I need to be inspired by your success, OK?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

My IC appointment was really good. I was expecting to be hiding my face cuz of all the tears as I walked out. It was the exact opposite. I walked out with a smile on my face. I did so because my IC made one comment to me. I'll summarize: 

"Dig...Regret f'd up (yes he says that and that's probably why I feel comfortable with him) and you caught her, and while I've never met Regret she sees Dr. ___ here and he tells me she seems very remorseful and ashamed for what she has done to you and your marriage. It's okay for you to really start healing that deep down hurt now."

See, it's almost like I needed permission to let some of that hurt go. That anger which is bred from fear and pain. I thought I was supposed to hold onto that to keep me on my toes...to make sure I didn't have blinders on. All which is true, but I went about it the wrong way.

I left his office and went to my barber shop. It's a classic style place where it's just guys and swearing is the norm. I got in the chair and the guy asks "What do ya wanna do, Dig?" I told him change it all up. I don't wanna look like this any more. I want a new Dig. He got a big smile and asks a couple other things. We decided on a cool Rockabilly style. Short sides...tapered back, with a greased out front flipped to the back - ala Arthur Fonzarelli.

I'm f'ng lovin it.

Regret just texted me to say that she loves me and was thinking about me. I've been away from the house for almost 6 hours. I told her I just got home and was happy because I wasn't moping around as I have been the past couple weeks.

I want to thank all of ya's for writing on my little thread. It really means a lot to me to get feedback. While it's tough to read some of your stories, the commonality always helps me feel not so alone. I'll probably check in again later. But for right now, I'm gonna go take a shower and wash the itchy hairs from my cut and I'm gonna grab some old Murray's wax and hook up my do. Gonna put on my favorite retro bowling shirt and some classic dark blue jeans and wait for Regret to come home.

I'm gonna meet her in the driveway so I'm not sitting down when she walks in.

And I'm gonna kiss her.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

(thanks)10! "Let go of the anger which is bred from fear and pain"
My new mantra! So uplifted by your post! Now THAT is making new memories...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> (thanks)10! "Let go of the anger which is bred from fear and pain"
> My new mantra! So uplifted by your post! Now THAT is making new memories...


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I know how you feel and wish you the best on this day of days. My actual dday isn't until april however she met him this month on the 3rd and cheated on the 7th, met him on Saturday and had sex on Wednesday so like you the dates aren't exact but I remember the days, the dates move every year but the days stay the same. Been a tough few days and she has been away so it has been even worse, no sleep and lots of drinking luckily I have to pick her up from the airport in a few hours so things will settle down.
I have thought how long will these days and dates mean that much to me, while this has been the longest saddest year of my life, days like this remind me just how fresh this pain still is and I do long for this to be a distant memory. Like a scar it doesn't hurt anymore but you remember the pain.
Good luck today and in the next several days as I am sure you will relive much of what went on last year.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Dig, it's been over 4 years for me and it does get better. There are still moments but they are moments instead of weeks or day like the 1st year of R. 

Best advice I can give now is say what you feel, good or bad. Communication is the key moving forward.

Q~


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I told her she could go grab my Dewalt drill....


Dig, I know what you mean about dates being triggers. The ex's 50th was a couple of weeks ago and I triggered all day. This would've been a very special year for us - 20th wedding anniversary, 50th birthdays.

She told me years ago that she wanted a Jag for her 50th. Boy was her timing wrong - for her that is.

BTW, you wouldn't think that mentioning a drill would trigger anyone but it did me. You see, my ex had a side business that required a drill and one Mother's Day I forked over $200 to buy her a really nice Dewalt drill.

Hang in there.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Glad your day went well Dig. Hope Regret 'dug' your new look!


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