# Emotional Cheating?



## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Back story: Hubby and I have been married for 8 years and have two kids. We are high school sweethearts and I have always been 100% faithful to him. He has never physically cheated but I know that he has emotionally cheated once with an ex girlfriend when we were having some issues after about 2 years of marriage.

Last night I met this guy online through another social media site who works in the area and I have never met him but I have heard of him from friends. He asked to Facebook message me and I said yes. Before I knew it the conversation had gone from work related to him talking about how sexy I was in my photos and how he would love to meet up. I told him I was married and he said that he was married too. He told me that he loved his wife but she didn't show him any affection and that he had needs as a man. I told him I had the same issue with my husband who comes home from work and falls asleep on the couch and that the only time he shows me affection is when he is drunk and/or wants sex. He ended telling me the things he wanted to do to me but I just keep saying things like ok, that sounds good... Stuff like that... He sent me pictures of him at work and also nude pictures. He asked for pictures of me so I sent 2 pictures to him but none of them were nude or even close to it! He kept telling me how sexy I was and how much he wanted to meet up and I will be honest it was so nice to hear someone actually showing some type of interest in me! He ended up asking me to meet him at a hotel later this week and I told him that as nice as it was to be wanted by someone else I just couldn't do it. Even though I didn't get too much into the sexual side of the conversation I am now having a huge guilt trip because I have never ever done anything like this before and I could never hurt my husband like this even though he as emotionally cheated.

I just need someone to help calm me down and set me straight!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Good you came here and you nipped it in the bud. 

DON'T have an affair. 

Revenge affairs achieve nothing. 

The guy was a player and just wanted sex, not you. He doesn't even know you. But you knew that, right?

Don't ever let yourself be taken in by jacka$$ like him again, even if you are divorced! 

Your marriage needs work. MC asap.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

I honestly never intended for it to ever go anywhere and it was a one sided conversation where he was doing all of the lets get together stuff. I so knew I was being played and I really thought it was funny to be honest. It was nice to be wanted by someone but I really had no intention of ever meeting him or anything. I just don't know if I should tell my husband and ruin our marriage or just take this as a wake up call and really talk to my husband about our marriage and fix it!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Hold on--you met someone on FB and it got all the way to nude pictures and a proposition for a hotel hook-up in just one evening? Do I understand that right?


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

It got that far on his end.... not mine! I was absolutely floored by the suggestion and obviously told him no. I erased the nude pics and told him not to send anymore. I did not send him any nude or even close to nude pictures at all!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> It got that far on his end.... not mine! I was absolutely floored by the suggestion and obviously told him no. I erased the nude pics and told him not to send anymore. I did not send him any nude or even close to nude pictures at all!


Even so, you let it get too far too fast. Unfriend, no more contact of any kind. Tell your H? I don't know.

Consolidate your threads, too.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> The only time he (my husband) shows me affection is when he is drunk and/or wants sex....
> 
> He (the other man) kept telling me how sexy I was and how much he wanted to meet up and I will be honest it was so nice to hear someone actually showing some type of interest in me! He ended up asking me to meet him at a hotel later this week.


According to you both your husband and the other man (OM) show you attention to get sex. Both men show interest in you for the same reason. The OM isn't more caring. He's willing to put more time sweet talking you in because he's not married to you. Your husband puts much more time in being a husband.



Feelingbad27 said:


> Take this as a wake up call and really talk to my husband about our marriage and fix it!


Yes! Your husband needs to step up to the plate.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

You are so right Graywolf2 and Philat! 

I certainly will take it as a wake up call and talk to my husband about fixing our marriage!! Thank you all so very much!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> I honestly never intended for it to ever go anywhere and it was a one sided conversation where he was doing all of the lets get together stuff. I so knew I was being played and I really thought it was funny to be honest. It was nice to be wanted by someone but I really had no intention of ever meeting him or anything. I just don't know if I should tell my husband and ruin our marriage or just take this as a wake up call and really talk to my husband about our marriage and fix it!


Yes FB. And no criticisms were intended. I wondered what you meant by "someone setting you straight" but took it as face value as opposed to the more complicated business of whether to tell your H. 
In marriage, truth is best - always. 
*If you don't tell him and he finds out since you had heard of the guy, imagine his reaction. *
You say you had no intention of pursuing it so I guess it could be described as heavy duty flirting. 
Maybe that's how to present it. In fact your own words are best:
*"I was being played and I really thought it was funny to be honest."*
You can say the conversation started off as innocent and then Mr Player changed gears.
You could follow it by saying that afterwards it reminded you that you two really need to bring back to your marriage what attracted you to each other in the first place. 

But remember your H will wonder why you are talking to men online and he will ask. Unless it's something he knows you do. Does he chat to females online? Internet is so dangerous for that, no one has to go to bars anymore! 

And FB it is difficult to keep romance going with kids etc. and people do start to take each other for granted.

Anyway, I hope that helps. Just my opinion. 

If you do talk to H, make sure you have thought through properly what you are going to say and how you are going to present it. 
Don't rush off and babble everything to him when you are still emotional and confused. 
Calm down and have a good think about it. 
Look at it this way. Mr Jacka$$ has probably done you a great big favour.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

You are right, I would categorize it more as "heavy duty flirting" than anything. The OM even categorized our conversation as that when I said no for the 5th time about ever meeting up with him. 

All of your points are very valid! When I said I needed someone to set me straight I meant that I wanted honest opinions about if it is something that I should tell my husband and risk losing my marriage over it or should I take it as a wake up call and fix my marriage. 

I will certainly take time to get my thoughts together before talking to my husband. I know that he will be upset, as he should, because I didn't stop it as soon as it took the wrong turn.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> You are right, I would categorize it more as "heavy duty flirting" than anything. The OM even categorized our conversation as that when I said no for the 5th time about ever meeting up with him.


If you are married it's not called "flirting" it's called cheating.

If you won't do it with your partner there in the room watching you it's cheating.

You and he were not flirting, you were both cheating.

Of course he's going to use a harmless term like "flirting to categorize it." Why on earth would he out himself as a someone intruding into your marriage?

He is going to tell you what he wants you to hear to make you continue.

You were cheating. Call a spade a spade. He obviously does not have the maturity to do so, you will have to call a spade a spade on your own. And hold others accountable who don't.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Feelingbad27 said:


> He told me that he loved his wife but she didn't show him any affection and that he had needs as a man. I told him I had the same issue with my husband who comes home from work and falls asleep on the couch and that the only time he shows me affection is when he is drunk and/or wants sex.


 In one night you meet a guy, he tells you that he wants sex with you because his wife does not meet his "needs as a man", and you tell this guy that just asked you for sex that you have the same issue with your husband not meeting your needs. Wow. Just wow.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Yes, TRy, I did and I know it was stupid, and dumb, and gullible and whatever else you want to call it. I own it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> Yes, TRy, I did and I know it was stupid, and dumb, and gullible and whatever else you want to call it. I own it.


The nature of your sexual issues with your husband is private to you and your husband.

This is not something you share to another man in private who is hitting on you.

ON a marriage help forum public thread that is reviewed by dozens of people you may be able to argue the case for disclosure there. But to a man in private that is hitting on you?

Good grief.

The good news is this didn't' go very far, so a reasonable husband will not get worked up about it.

But YOU FB need to smarten up and keep your marriage boundaries/walls/safeguards protected.

Your husband is not responsible for your protecting your marriage when his back is turned.. YOU are.

Let's hope you have learned your lesson without too much blood shed.

This guy sounds like a sleazeball. He's insulting and disrespecting your husband and you did and said nothing to this creep to protect the man you share a roof with? Nothing? You actually chimed in and criticized your husband to this guy openly?

My God.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Yes, Allen A, I did all of the above.... I am pissed at myself for doing that because that's exactly the same thing that my husband did with his ex girlfriend about me a few years ago and I was beyond hurt because of it and now I have done the same thing. 

I have certainly learned my lesson and will be working towards fixing things with my husband and myself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Did you already block this guy from your FB?


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Yes, I did! As soon as I ended the conversation he was blocked.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, you sound pretty easy. Have some standards


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

What was good was this "man" had no patience at all. He jumped right in with the "sex" talk. *Classic predator!!!* After he was done with you he jumped right to someone else, guaranteed!!! He will get someone else, no doubt in my mind at all, typical shotgun approach. He was so obvious you quickly spotted him for What he was (a POS). The woman either won't be so lucky or won't care. The POS that snared my WW took his time, and my wife eventually fell for it, it happens a lot. You need to ask yourself what would have happened if he had waited awhile and made an emotional connection first, before he brought up sex. Your story is very common, and very important. Every wife needs to know this could happen to them, either online or at work, the gym or at school. It's not * if* it will happen, but when. Too bad that almost everyone that reads your post has already been affected by something like this. I would like to say on behalf of your husband, thank you for cutting it off at the beginning! I wish my wife would have.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First of all, well done OP for coming here and closing this scumbag down. The only other thing I would have done would have been to keep the nude photos and send them along with his texts to his wife! Anyway he lives to try and prey on another vulnerable another day but he'll get his sooner or later!

You do need to address these issues with your hubby because it was a wake up call. Good luck!


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> What was good was this "man" had no patience at all. He jumped right in with the "sex" talk. *Classic predator!!!* After he was done with you he jumped right to someone else, guaranteed!!! He will get someone else, no doubt in my mind at all.


Harry, this guy probably had a dozen chat windows open, juggling all of them at the same time.

I doubt he even waited til their convo was done... he had others there right beside her virtually and she didn't even know.

I bet my house on it. She was not the only one he was talking to... no doubt in my mind at all.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> Yes, Allen A, I did all of the above.... I am pissed at myself for doing that because that's exactly the same thing that my husband did with his ex girlfriend about me a few years ago and I was beyond hurt because of it and now I have done the same thing.
> 
> I have certainly learned my lesson and will be working towards fixing things with my husband and myself.


u kno what? Dont feel that bad. He did the exact same thing and probably was saying to her wat the guy was saying to u. Most men are the aggresors in trying to get together. I wouldnt tell him. He'll use it against u. Its not gonna wake him up. Its just goin to piss him off.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Feelingbad27 said:


> It got that far on his end.... not mine! I was absolutely floored by the suggestion and obviously told him no. I erased the nude pics and told him not to send anymore. I did not send him any nude or even close to nude pictures at all!


NO.

You fed his actions with your responses. Own that.

You send him pictures your say. That is a positive reaction to him. You walk down a well known path. Admit to yourself you were on the way to talk yourself into the Fog. Lookup on these forums what happens with EA's. Realize he is a player, pushing certain buttons to get some tail. 

And ruin your life, and that of your family.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> Last night I met this guy online through another social media site who works in the area and I have never met him but I have heard of him from friends. He asked to Facebook message me and I said yes!


I'm confused - how did you know him? Friend of friend? Works in the area? Met him on ANOTHER social media site? What site? Then Facebook chat?

So is he not just some random online guy you started chatting with, or is he someone you know?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Ya'll out there. Stop being so hard on FeelingBad.

She felt so bad that in a weak moment she engaged in some heavy duty flirting with some online Romeo. Sure she entertained it, but then came to her senses, told him goodbye and blocked him. Then she came on here for help and let's face it. . . what she did compared to what we read about on here??? 

She is here for support in terms of telling her husband etc. The marriage is stale, H sure doesn't sound too romantic. 

FeelingBad - I have changed my mind. . .

*Don't tell your H. Some poster said he will use it against you and he will. And you have already forgiven him an EA. 
*
YOU DIDN'T ACT ON IT. 
Instead, you came to your senses and came on to an infidelity site for help.

So don't tell him. 

Instead, have a serious chat with him about your relationship with a view to getting help from a good MC. 
Your marriage definitely needs attention. 

All I can say is I wish every WS was like FeelingBad who isn't even a WS.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell your H the truth. About how easy it was given how dissatisfied you are with your marriage.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Feelingbad27 said:


> I just need someone to help calm me down and set me straight!


Okay... Read my responses



> Back story: Hubby and I have been married for 8 years and have two kids. We are high school sweethearts and I have always been 100% faithful to him. He has never physically cheated but I know that he has emotionally cheated once with an ex girlfriend when we were having some issues after about 2 years of marriage.


Can you elaborate more about this. Was this him telling her he loved her but not you and going behind your back type of thing, or was it something else?

[/QUOTE]Last night I met this guy online through another social media site who works in the area and I have never met him but I have heard of him from friends. He asked to Facebook message me and I said yes. Before I knew it the conversation had gone from work related to him talking about how sexy I was in my photos and how he would love to meet up. I told him I was married and he said that he was married too. He told me that he loved his wife but she didn't show him any affection and that he had needs as a man. I told him I had the same issue with my husband who comes home from work and falls asleep on the couch and that the only time he shows me affection is when he is drunk and/or wants sex. [/QUOTE]

Okay wake up call...WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS GUY WANTS? How is it different than your husband. He's talking you up to get in your pants. PERIOD!!! Sometimes this boggles my mind to hear a woman complain "my husband was only affectionate when he wanted sex...so I slept with someone else who talked me up....(BECAUSE HE WANTED SEX):scratchhead::scratchhead:"



> He ended telling me the things he wanted to do to me but I just keep saying things like ok, that sounds good... Stuff like that... He sent me pictures of him at work and also nude pictures. He asked for pictures of me so I sent 2 pictures to him but none of them were nude or even close to it! He kept telling me how sexy I was and how much he wanted to meet up and I will be honest it was so nice to hear someone actually showing some type of interest in me!


I thought you didn't like interest if the sole reason is to get sex out of you? Or do you think this guy is looking for more?



> He ended up asking me to meet him at a hotel later this week and I told him that as nice as it was to be wanted by someone else I just couldn't do it. Even though I didn't get too much into the sexual side of the conversation I am now having a huge guilt trip because I have never ever done anything like this before and I could never hurt my husband like this


Where's the sound of the record playing screeching to a stop? You just did.



> even though he as emotionally cheated.


Ahh the sweet sound of justification, righteous indignation and blameshifting.

Look, I'm saying this to hopefully open your eyes to what is happening with this guy and what you've done in regards to your husband. You don't get to take the highground anymore. You are no different than your husband.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

********** said:


> Ya'll out there. Stop being so hard on FeelingBad.
> 
> She felt so bad that in a weak moment she engaged in some heavy duty flirting with some online Romeo. Sure she entertained it, but then came to her senses, told him goodbye and blocked him. Then she came on here for help and let's face it. . . what she did compared to what we read about on here???
> 
> ...


There's one problem with this **********. Based on how she talks about her husband's EA, I don't think she has forgiven him. She's moved on, but she still holds onto it like a badge of superiority, at least a little bit.

So no, she doesn't get to act in this manner and then still hold onto that. If she doesn't tell her husband, then she needs to address the demons she still has about her husbands EA and let go of them. Otherwise, that's what is called a hypocrite.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Don't sweat it, Feelingbad. Talking to someone when you're lonely or feeling ignored by your hubby *is not *the same thing as having an affair. Now, if you had taken the bait, and believe me he was baiting you, and gotten heavily into sexting or agreed to meet with him at another location, it could have easily turned into something that would have destroyed you and your marriage. But, you didn't allow that to happen. You saw him for what he really was, a horny online predator looking for sex with a new woman, and you shut him down immediately. Kudos to you!! :smthumbup: Just be careful in the future because *true players *wouldn't be so openly obvious. They're used to being patient in the hope of eventually getting their favorite targets, married women, to drop their defenses and their panties and engage in meaningless sex. That's when marriages implode. The wife is left with the damage and the player joyfully moves on to his next conquest, the more the merrier. You're a lot smarter and have more greatly instilled morals than to fall for their obvious intentions. You're a good, decent, loyal wife. Keep up the good work and don't let this get you down. Your husband doesn't realize what a prize he has in you!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

thummper said:


> Don't sweat it, Feelingbad. Talking to someone when you're lonely or feeling ignored by your hubby *is not *the same thing as having an affair. Now, if you had taken the bait, and believe me he was baiting you, and gotten heavily into sexting or agreed to meet with him at another location, it could have easily turned into something that would have destroyed you and your marriage. But, you didn't allow that to happen. You saw him for what he really was, a horny online predator looking for sex with a new woman, and you shut him down immediately. Kudos to you!! :smthumbup: Just be careful in the future because *true players *wouldn't be so openly obvious. They're used to being patient in the hope of eventually getting their favorite targets, married women, to drop their defenses and their panties and engage in meaningless sex. That's when marriages implode. The wife is left with the damage and the player joyfully moves on to his next conquest, the more the merrier. You're a lot smarter and have more greatly instilled morals than to fall for their obvious intentions. You're a good, decent, loyal wife. Keep up the good work and don't let this get you down. Your husband doesn't realize what a prize he has in you!


Love it Thumper - you said exactly what I meant - but a lot better.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> There's one problem with this **********. Based on how she talks about her husband's EA, I don't think she has forgiven him. She's moved on, but she still holds onto it like a badge of superiority, at least a little bit.
> 
> So no, she doesn't get to act in this manner and then still hold onto that. If she doesn't tell her husband, then she needs to address the demons she still has about her husbands EA and let go of them. Otherwise, that's what is called a hypocrite.


I get where you are coming from Dad&Hubby. I really do and if you read my recent thread you would know I'm a stickler for the truth. 
But there never is one size that fits all. FeelingBad was so remorseful that she came on here. She DIDN'T have an EA/PA. She didn't even come close to it. She entertained the sleazebag for a while but then shut him down. She is anything but a WS. Temptation arrived and she managed to resist it.

Yes you are right. She is probably holding onto stuff about her H's EA. It's always there. But if the spouse is loving, attentive and so on, it makes it so much easier to put it in a place where it doesn't cause so much pain. 

In a previous post to her, I had even said that she must tell H the truth. . . 

But I changed my mind. In this case, if she tells H then any MC they do is going to be about what she did - which in fact is nothing compared to what you read about on TAM. It is going to be about the effect, not the cause and goodness the effect didn't go anywhere. It stopped as soon as it started.

The real issue here is a marriage that needs to be rescued. The MC needs to be about that.


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