# How do you get it started?



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

My wife and I I’ve noticed that over time we tend to have less and less sex and that it starts to affect our relationship. We then usually recognize this and have a discussion about being more intentional and it gets better for a while, but then falls back into the same pattern. Part of the issue is that we have her teenage children half the time and she’s going through menopause, so between the kids being here and her erratic periods, our opportunities are somewhat limited. I prefer to do it earlier in the evening when I’m still somewhat fresh or in the mornings, and she prefers to do it late at night. I’m okay with that, but she also is pretty rigid about her bedtime routine and insists on reading without being bothered when we go to bed. She says that if I say something in advance we can do it then, but once in bed it’s no talking or tv/music and I don’t always think of it in advance. As such, our typical routine is that earlier in the evening one of us will say do you want to take a tub and that usually leads to sex. Otherwise, it’s not likely to happen.

All that said, I guess my question is, do most of you out there plan your sex ahead of time, or does it happen spontaneously? We never watch TV in bed or hang out in bed together in the mornings, and she is very strict about her reading routine at night, so there seems to be a little opportunity for spontaneous sex. She’s usually into her pajamas by 8 o’clock at night and watches TV until bedtime, so unless I initiate on the couch or one of us brings it up while we’re watching TV, it’s probably not going to happen. As I said, we can be more intentional about it, but I’m wondering what everyone else does.

Thanks!


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

maybe you can provide some erotic reading material for her rigid evening reading...


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

I'm very much like your wife. If i'm not actively thinking about it early in the evening, by the time bedtime comes, it's the last thing I want to do. So we scheduled it (not sex per se, but intimate time together) and it's been working great and our relationship is better than ever. Try it, you won't go back and don't let anyone tell you "you need spontaniety". That's all BS when you have been married 15 years and have three adolescent kids. Now when we were pre-kids, we didn't need to schedule it cause it was a pretty much given that it would happen every night we were together.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Definitely schedule sex, it's exciting to look forward to, and it holds you both accountable to making it a priority!

The best sex in my marriage was when we had it scheduled!!!


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Definitely schedule sex, it's exciting to look forward to, and it holds you both accountable to making it a priority!
> 
> The best sex in my marriage was when we had it scheduled!!!


Yeah when we did this I was skeptical. Thought women had to be put in the mood, etc. But found that the fact that she booked a **** appointment was itself arousing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife used to tell me 3 days in advance when we could have sex. The "night" (literally) of the sex, she would read until 1 in the morning... so I had to wake myself up to do it. Not ideal... not that we have sex any more...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Reading is how she unwinds at escapes for the day and relaxes for sleep, so that's important. 

Just don't forget to bring it up . it always does kind of suck when your partner doesn't want to do it the same time you do, but there's 24 hours in a day.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Our sex is normally expected. We don’t plan ahead of time or talk about it, but when we do it has become kind of obvious we are going to do it If that makes sense. 

But imo when someone is super “hot” for you in the moment and wants spontaneous sex, even if I’m not in the mood, his desire for me, his have to have you now turns me on and I quickly get in the mood. It’s the same for me, even if I have to “fake” the desire a little, when I make him feel like I need to have him, he will never say no even if it’s during a time he doesn’t usually want to have sex. Plus the result is always good sex, and it makes us feel good. 

I’m not saying to fake it, but I kind of am. Like if you want to have sex, just play up that emotion. That’s what’s I do every once in a while to keep things exciting. I become a different person in my head, this super sexy need to get banged, or need to service my man. It takes some effort and some acting in the beginning but I always end up having a blast. 

Sex with the same person can become routine. So it’s important to kind of psych yourself up a little. Play a role. Be someone else. If you have a fun, adventurous attitude about sex it can always be fun. If you think... ok let’s have sex again, in the same 3 positions that we always do blah blah blah it can be boring. 

But one day I will be like.. you know what, I am going to 100% service him, and put a blind fold on him and try something new. Or next month I will be like you know what, I am going to sit on his face and get mine. It’s suppose to be fun, but doing it all the time will be annoying and inconvenient, which is why if you do it sparingly the other person rarely says no.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

We had vastly different sleep schedules. I changed mine to get up slightly later but stay up an hour or two later and she started coming to bed for intimate time and then leaving to go do stuff after I pass out. When we initially talked about it I suggested trying to go to bed the same time 2x/week. We do about that where she actually stays but if she has stuff she needs to do she comes to bed then gets back up. Has been working for us!

On weekends I will stay in bed with her and just hold her. Sometimes I slip and try to initiate but I’m batting maybe 0.300 for that; which to be honest I am ok with!


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Tommy518 said:


> My wife and I I’ve noticed that over time we tend to have less and less sex and that it starts to affect our relationship. We then usually recognize this and have a discussion about being more intentional and it gets better for a while, but then falls back into the same pattern. Part of the issue is that we have her teenage children half the time and she’s going through menopause, so between the kids being here and her erratic periods, our opportunities are somewhat limited. I prefer to do it earlier in the evening when I’m still somewhat fresh or in the mornings, and she prefers to do it late at night. I’m okay with that, but she also is pretty rigid about her bedtime routine and insists on reading without being bothered when we go to bed. She says that if I say something in advance we can do it then, but once in bed it’s no talking or tv/music and I don’t always think of it in advance. As such, our typical routine is that earlier in the evening one of us will say do you want to take a tub and that usually leads to sex. Otherwise, it’s not likely to happen.
> 
> All that said, I guess my question is, do most of you out there plan your sex ahead of time, or does it happen spontaneously? We never watch TV in bed or hang out in bed together in the mornings, and she is very strict about her reading routine at night, so there seems to be a little opportunity for spontaneous sex. She’s usually into her pajamas by 8 o’clock at night and watches TV until bedtime, so unless I initiate on the couch or one of us brings it up while we’re watching TV, it’s probably not going to happen. As I said, we can be more intentional about it, but I’m wondering what everyone else does.
> 
> Thanks!


I like it early morning and he likes it late evening. All good during bonding years when those times and other times were all fine. Now its more those times. Easier now that the girls are a little older and can get up and go and make their own breakfast while I have an extra hour at weekends. My issue is that I get very thirsty after sex and if I do not have a water bottle by the bedside, I have to get up and find something to drink.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Tommy518 said:


> All that said, I guess my question is, do most of you out there plan your sex ahead of time, or does it happen spontaneously?


We do it spontaneously.

We don't schedule, because it's easy to just start doing it whenever the opportunity arises. Or sans us having any opportunities, we make them whenever we feel like fornicating.

As to the timing of it, it doesn't really matter, we happily do it when we wake up, or after breakfast, or before lunch, or after lunch, or before dinner, or after dinner, or late in the evening, and sometimes even at odd times before the sun comes up if one of us can't sleep.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Can you guys do date nights? I mean I know it's COVID but you can get creative. I find that when my husband and I can get alone time like that, or even have fun being out with our friends with a couple of drinks, that helps us reconnect. I have 2 young kids so I know that it can be tough, sometimes we are both exhausted. But try to make it spontaneous, and earlier in the day if possible, because by night, many women I know are tired and not into it.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> My wife used to tell me 3 days in advance when we could have sex. The "night" (literally) of the sex, she would read until 1 in the morning... so I had to wake myself up to do it. Not ideal... not that we have sex any more...


Wow. This reads like some weird science fiction! bad on her.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

One thing to point out to the OP is that, as a man, I was skeptical that women would be able to be aroused being "booked" for sex by making a date night.

I was wrong.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The Mighty Fred said:


> Wow. This reads like some weird science fiction! bad on her.


It's a long story, but she had to get into the mood, and that involved reading the newspaper, doing the crosswords and then playing a game on her iPad...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Damn. 

I'm starting to think my shorthand of let's get nekkid shouldn't really work, but it does.

❤❤❤


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Damn.
> 
> I'm starting to think my shorthand of let's get nekkid shouldn't really work, but it does.
> 
> ❤❤❤


you are a lucky boy...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> you are a lucky boy...


Of that I'm sure.

That's reinforced by my wife telling me so repeatedly, of course. 👍👍🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's reinforced by my wife telling me so repeatedly, of course. 👍👍🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Damn.
> 
> I'm starting to think my shorthand of let's get nekkid shouldn't really work, but it does.
> 
> ❤❤❤


excellent. that's about how I go, too.


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> It's a long story, but she had to get into the mood, and that involved reading the newspaper, doing the crosswords and then playing a game on her iPad...


dude, how old is she??

Women in their thirties are excellent: they know what they like, and they like it often.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

The Mighty Fred said:


> dude, how old is she??
> 
> Women in their thirties are excellent: they know what they like, and they like it often.


I wish we were in our thirties...  we are in the late fifties and she has a history of depression and mental issues, and body image and empty nest syndrome, plus post-menopausal... not very conducive to an active sex life or a sex life at all...


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