# I need help



## pilot8444 (Jul 7, 2012)

This is my first post, I plan to use this site regularly
My wife and I have been married for 3 and 1/2 years our first 2 were great, we gave birth to a beautiful child last year. About 3 months after that things started to change. My wife has become a very stressed out on edge person and she seems angry all the time. She has had a couple things happen that I believe contributed and those things are out of her control (work, family issues) but she is def. not the same person. She gets upset me frequently, she takes things out on me, and overall she is just not a happy person. She has also not only not lost the baby weight but also gained about 10 more pounds. I know its hard for women to lose weight but it really affects her self esteem which contributes to all of this. I can't remember the last time i saw her smile. No shock but our sex life has become almost nothing. I would say 2-3 times a month and its her just basically sitting there and doing nothing. I give her credit for her still trying to please me but after awhile its hard because there is no emotion involved at all. Ill post more as people respond but what does everyone think, is it post partum depression? Has anyone gone through this at all?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Welcome, Pilot! You'll find lots of good advice and support here!

Now -- I guess the first question is, have you had a serious talk with her about this? Clearly there is something going on, have you asked her?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It could be post partum depression, but she sounds overwhelmed and stressed out. Is there any way to lighten her load?


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## pilot8444 (Jul 7, 2012)

I have had 2 or 3 talks with her. I am trying to be as supportive as I can be. It seems weekly she says Ok, Starting monday, Im going to work out, eat better and call a pshycologist to talk to, then monday comes and goes and nothing happens. On the sexual side, she has told me more than one time - im just not into it, i cant give you anything right now and you are just going to have to deal with it for awhile. I can deal with it, the sex is not the most important thing right now because if everything else gets fixed, that will as well. Im just trying to be the best father i can be right now and Im loving every minute of that but honestly I feel like I am my wifes roomate right now and not her wife. 
Im trying everything i can think of to help her but nothing is working so far because she is making no effort


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Sounds like post-partum to me. The birth of the first child can be very tough emotionally. Some mothers take to it quickly and others mourn the life of their freedom for a long time. 

I was 26 when I had my first child and I was totally naive about how hard it was going to be. I knew I was going to stay home and just pictured this perfect life with peaceful walks and shopping trips with a happy baby. Instead I got this colicky baby who hated the car and hated walks. He cried unless I was holding him. He got over all that around 6 months but still didn't really like to go shopping because he wanted to crawl and be active. The life I envisioned was totally off base. It took me awhile to adapt to the reality of my new life. So I joined a mothers group and began to build up my social network. Just getting out of the house and talking to people improved my mood immensely. 

This is just a guess because I don't know your wife, but she sounds overwhelmed to me. She may even "regret" having the baby that she loves so much. That makes you feel even worse...like a defective mother and person and the cycle continues. You got to get her to talk and she needs to get out and reinvent her life if I'm right. 

Good luck.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Why don't you suggest doing some physical activities together like biking or running? It would help you both in your weight/ energy levels and also strengthen your bonds to one another.


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## pilot8444 (Jul 7, 2012)

TBT said:


> Why don't you suggest doing some physical activities together like biking or running? It would help you both in your weight/ energy levels and also strengthen your bonds to one another.


Those are great ideas, I have tried but she said I hate working out. Walks outside are nice but we have had an unseasonably warm summer in the high 90s and 100s so it's tough. If I could sum it all up, she is lazy. I know that some of that is not her fault but she has to take the initiative to change. I'll be here to help her but that's why I joined this forum, she is not making any effort to change at all and I am frustrated and don't know what to do. I mean how long to I sit back and just let this happen? I'm a guy that truley does believe in my marriage vows for better or worse but I also know I don't want to live every day like this. Our child is about 1 year old now. We had talked about having another one but that is one trump card I have I guess. I don't want to bring another child into this world until our marriage is healthy again.
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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

There are so many possibilities of what could be going on with her. Has she been screened for depression? Birth control causing mood problems?

If one of her personality traits is being lazy, you are not going to change that. Make sure that you are not picking up any slack at home; she should do her part so that she does not take you for granted and discount what it takes to keep a home running smoothly.

I would try to address each issue as it arises. When she gets upset with you, make a calm comment, and then leave the room if she becomes abusive. Tell her you will not tolerate negative, critical comments from your wife. When she can be more pleasant, you will continue the conversation.

What are her work issues? Is she being unrealistic about her performance there?

What is she like as a mother? Are you supporting her as much as you can with parenting?

I would also pull back a bit from her. Do you have your own hobbies and friends? If she sees that you are a strong person who knows how to be happy, she may learn that she has to try and keep up with you.

Use humor and playfulness as well when it is appropriate. See if you can get her to laugh at the absurdities of life.


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## pilot8444 (Jul 7, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> There are so many possibilities of what could be going on with her. Has she been screened for depression? Birth control causing mood problems?
> 
> If one of her personality traits is being lazy, you are not going to change that. Make sure that you are not picking up any slack at home; she should do her part so that she does not take you for granted and discount what it takes to keep a home running smoothly.
> 
> ...


Very good ideas. As far as supporting her with the child, I actually sometimes end up with him more than she is. It's 50/50 but when we are together we do help each other. My child is my life
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## EngagedGraduate (May 17, 2012)

Dude, I would urge her to see a psychologist because she sounds depressed. If she is resistant to that idea because she doesn't think she is 'crazy,' maybe you could go too. I feel like everybody should have the opportunity to see a therapist. and especially after a major stressor like a new baby.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Ah, your poor wife. She sounds miserable. Which, in turn, makes your life so difficult and emotionally torn, too. She really needs some counseling. She needs help in finding the root of her dissatisfaction with life. All of her actions are symptoms; we've got to find the root cause. 

Yes, it could be post-partum depression. It could be guilt because she's finding motherhood more difficult than she expected, and it's not all sweetness & light like she maybe thought it would be and her resentment causes guilt feelings and she hates herself for feeling like that. It could be a simple chemical imbalance resulting in clinical depression corrected by anti-depressant medications. 

Good luck and I wish you the best.


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## pilot8444 (Jul 7, 2012)

His_Pixie said:


> Ah, your poor wife. She sounds miserable. Which, in turn, makes your life so difficult and emotionally torn, too. She really needs some counseling. She needs help in finding the root of her dissatisfaction with life. All of her actions are symptoms; we've got to find the root cause.
> 
> Yes, it could be post-partum depression. It could be guilt because she's finding motherhood more difficult than she expected, and it's not all sweetness & light like she maybe thought it would be and her resentment causes guilt feelings and she hates herself for feeling like that. It could be a simple chemical imbalance resulting in clinical depression corrected by anti-depressant medications.
> 
> Good luck and I wish you the best.


Thanks I'll keep fighting
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