# why did you get married?



## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I just want to know others personal reason if you're happy with your decision why or why not?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Could you rephrase the question?
27 years ago I wasn't thinking about old age. I wasn't thinking about what I could lose in a divorce. I wasn't particularly thinking about whether or not I wanted to raise kids. I had no Idea what it would be like to deal with unequal drives. As little as 10 years ago I thought that should the worst happen I'd remarry. Now hmmm probably not. 
I don't think the marriage decision today is the same that it was then. I think young people these days are still lacking a lot of the information necessary to make a truly wise decision.
To answer your question though, I got married because I wanted to be with a very special person as much as I possibly could. I gave up the freedom to continue roaming from relationship to relationship in exchange for that persons company long term. And, yes, I'm still happy with the bargain.
MN


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I married the first time for love, not a bad reason at all but the problem was that I did not give enough thought to long term compatibility. We were together for almost 20 years and much of it was hard work, we were not compatible in many ways. Much of it was good and rewarding.

After divorce I never thought I would want to marry again but my mind has changed on that. I will marry my partner in the future, our love grows daily, we are extremely compatible and an excellent match. We make each other shine and find great happiness in our relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

options20 said:


> I just want to know others personal reason if you're happy with your decision why or why not?


*Because I was erroneously thinking about the "endless supply" of "trim" that I thought I was about to receive!

And, I was in love with her too!*


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

The woman of my dreams and my best friend proposed to me in the most traditional way any woman could. 

By peeing on a stick & showing it to me

How could I say no to that?

it did turn out to be a false positive. But what few days it was!

hell yes i was happy to marry her, we had 11 rocky & good years.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Holland said:


> I married the first time for love, not a bad reason at all but the problem was that I did not give enough thought to long term compatibility. We were together for almost 20 years and much of it was hard work, we were not compatible in many ways. Much of it was good and rewarding.
> 
> After divorce I never thought I would want to marry again but my mind has changed on that. I will marry my partner in the future, our love grows daily, we are extremely compatible and an excellent match. We make each other shine and find great happiness in our relationship.


how were you not compatible?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

First time young, in love, clueless, and sex was off the wall. Second time companionship, old and dumb. Never again.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

So we could live together in the same country. But underneath all that, he made me feel good and the idea of spending my life with him felt natural. I was 26 and am still married and I don't regret our marriage at all, but I wish I had read the "His Needs, Her Needs" book before we got hitched so that I could truly understand the ways that marriage needs a foundation of more than just "feeling good".


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

newwife07 said:


> So we could live together in the same country. But underneath all that, he made me feel good and the idea of spending my life with him felt natural. I was 26 and am still married and I don't regret our marriage at all, but I wish I had read the "His Needs, Her Needs" book before we got hitched so that I could truly understand the ways that marriage needs a foundation of more than just "feeling good".




well apparently you did it for the right reasons it's still working for you.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Because he asked me and I was SHOCKED but OVERJOYED! We were too young, I was way too immature, he had a bad past where women was concerned. However the chemistry between us was off the charts and still is 9 years later. I luvs me some Mr. C4E!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Holland said:


> I married the first time for love, not a bad reason at all but the problem was that I did not give enough thought to long term compatibility. We were together for almost 20 years and much of it was hard work, we were not compatible in many ways.


This is essentially my story of my first marriage. Unfortunately, she did a bait and switch regarding sex - once she said "I do" she then said "I don't". It was mostly a sexless marriage, and we weren't compatible in other ways so I finally ended it. I wish I'd ended it much sooner.

The second time was out of love and _real_ compatibility. Neither of us cared if we got married, but there were practical benefits that eventually drove the decision (primarily health insurance). We're very happy with the decision.

Someday, though, those same practical benefits may cause us to divorce as well (but we'd stay together) - so-called medicaid divorce and a new driver, ACA divorce (so she'd get subsidized health insurance through the exchanges).


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

If I had the option again I would not marry. Got married due to pregnancy. 

I am cynical, but think most people marry as they are afraid of being by themselves. I got married as I was afraid of saying "no."


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I married for love. Hubby and I are very compatible and our marriage is very loving and peaceful. I cannot imagine my life without him, and if something were to happen to him, I would not remarry.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful husband (most of the time hehehe).

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

I wish I could say it was some brilliant, well-thought-out decision on my part, made after months of careful research and deliberate weighing of options. It wasn't...I was just run-of-the-mill infatuated with him. We talked for hours and hours every day, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to be with him, and he was old-fashioned...marriage was the only way.

Still, I was really nervous about getting married. I have seen extremely few examples of a healthy, long-term marriage. Almost everyone I know is either divorced or very unhappy. Approaching the alter, I knew HE was sure and confident we were doing the right thing, that we'd be together forever and make each other happy. I was not sure. I was terrified.

Looking back on that now, all I feel is grateful for his confidence. We are far happier than I would have thought possible. Every year gets better, as we learn each other's insides and outs and figure out better ways to resolve differences, and how to better please each other. I had no idea this was what our marriage would be like. How did he know? 

In short, I got lucky.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I had to lock that sh!t down


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## Elane (Jul 15, 2014)

I got married because I was a crazy in love 19 year old. I loved being married. I just married the wrong person. I divorced him after 20+ years. No regrets. Lots of great memories. I wish it could have lasted forever. I'd do it all again with no hesitation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I got married because I was in love.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I got married because I was in the Marines and my 19 year old girlfriend got pregnant, I thought I was doing the honorable thing but in the end it ruined my life, no I'm not happy I got married. I missed my 20's, missed out on a career, missed out on hobbies and activities, suffered through my wife in multiple affairs, and now just completely ambivalent towards her and the marriage. 

Getting married is by far the single worst decision I ever made in a lifetime full of bad decisions including joining the Marines instead of going to college.

With the way the courts treat men, and the rates at which women cheat I can't see any reason why a man would agree to get married today. I have two sons and I really hope they never marry but focus on their career, doing the things they want to do in life, and achieving personal goals.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I got married the first time because I met someone who was fun and who I was super compatible with... Turned out it was nothing but a fraud. It was so bad that I was pretty determined to never marry again.

Then, I met someone who just knocked my socks off. Someone who I loved and someone who I was totally compatible with... AND, she loved me just as much as I loved her.

It has been 22 years of bliss.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I got married at the courthouse on my 18th birthday, pregnant and scared. Thought I was doing "the right thing" because of all the shame I brought on my family. Less than 5 weeks later, we didn't live together, nothing in our names, I didn't even change my last name.....we were told it couldn't be annulled because I was "in the family way." (This was only in 1997 folks, not kidding! Love the south!) So I don't consider that to be more than a piece of paper that was expensive to rip apart.

Second time was for LUUUUUVVVVV!!! I did love the [email protected] Loved him desperately. Which isn't a very good or healthy way to love someone. I was young and idealistic, and had grand visions of a sweet little family. I was SADLY mistaken. We had good times, but he was borderline personality and emotionally abusive to me and somewhat physical with the kids at times. He eventually decided "he wasn't happy" and left. Good riddance. Snapped me out of my delusions and led me to realize what I had been doing to myself all those years. 

I love the man I am with now. I took lots of time and energy to work on me before we met. I dunno if we will ever get married. He is gunshy about it too for similar reasons. We already "feel" married, so to me there is no rush. We are very compatible. We have been together almost 2 years and I KNOW him much better than I knew my ex after 12+ years.....


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I got married because I was in love. I knew we had the same goals, values, and enjoyed many of the same things, and just wanted to be with him all of the time. We dated for 3 years before getting married and I thought everything would be great, but it has been a struggle. Hope for a better future.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mostly for companionship and family

Looking back at my life, it seemed like I always needed someone very close to me in my life, just one person that provided me companionship.

Many of my friends came and went......my special someone though, they not only provided me with companionship but also affection, love and intimacy to complete the entire package.

As for family, since very young age I loved kids and always wanted to have them.

Take me back 20 years and I wouldn't do it ANY other way.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ex-GF/booty-call got pregnant. I loved her, and I think in her own way she loved me too. We just weren't compatible in so many ways. I'd like to say "we tried", but I never saw much effort from her, in anything she did...probably the laziest person I've ever known.

It was depressing.

I'm much happier living with my girlfriend of 4 years than I ever was in our 13yr marriage/17yr relationship. Then again, I'm compatible in every way with this person, so it's easy. We just fit.


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## ElCanario (Nov 11, 2013)

I was stupid and desperate.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I got married the first time because I was a stupid 20 year old who thought that marriage was just like dating except you would never break up and get to see them everyday. OMG. Soooo stupid.

Needless to say, the second marriage is much better and I knew what I wanted at 29.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> I got married the first time because I was a stupid 20 year old who thought that marriage was just like dating except you would never break up and get to see them everyday. OMG. Soooo stupid.
> 
> Needless to say, the second marriage is much better and I knew what I wanted at 29.


LOL I'm 20.

I got married because I just "knew" he was the one. I don't know how. Just knew. Not because we wanted to do more than date or never break up, but because I KNEW he was the one. There was so much love there. I dunno how to explain it. When you're with the one, it feels different with them than anyone you've ever been with.  And the thought of being apart from them literally makes you want to die. (Not in a co-dependent type of way.)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I wasn't smart enough to look beyond the façade. He put on a convincing show, but I was stupid. In hindsight, it was little more than great sex. 

And it was me being too codependent and emotionally immature.

I don't blame him. I blame myself. Often. Shame on me.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

options20 said:


> I just want to know others personal reason if you're happy with your decision why or why not?


I found a girl in high school. We dated 9 years. Over those 9 years we learned each others flaws and could see through them. I knew when I asked her and she said yes it was because she accepted those flaws, and I am SURE she knew that I would not have asked her if I had not accepted her's. We've had rocky years. But after 26 years, we are STILL together, and I could NOT have asked for a better wife. :smthumbup:

I will screen shoot this and send it to her. I'll edit her response into
this thread reply.

Here ya go. Love this woman!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

First time because an ex girlfriend got pregnant (we had break up sex and she got pregnant! :rofl.

Second time because we had been living together for almost three years and wanted to continue doing that without my partner lying to or arguing with her religious, Catholic, Italian family. 

P.S. Love had something to do with it as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I was young, stupid, and I really needed the money.

Oh wait... wrong question...





Because I love(d) -- and am/was in love with -- her.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I asked because I have come across a dilemma in my own life.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Got married because when we first met, she said she would never marry again. It became a challange....


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Married because after 5 years of dating, I loved this woman. I felt like the good outweighed the bad. She was beautiful and had similar life goals as mine. 

In hindsight, I think I put too much weight on the similar life goals and (i'm embarrassed to say) too much weight into consideration that she was likely the best I could do. This sounds horrible. But I think after leaving a long term relationship before her that many thought I was crazy to do, I felt like I struck gold again and this time stuck around. I now have a different level of confidence in myself that her being 'the best i could do' was bologna. 

Knowing what i know now, I would not have married my wife. Some of the small mini mini mini red flags I saw early on were indeed very real issues that have now surfaced and made married life a lot more painful than I ever expected.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Married because after 5 years of dating, I loved this woman. I felt like the good outweighed the bad. She was beautiful and had similar life goals as mine.
> 
> In hindsight, I think I put too much weight on the similar life goals and (i'm embarrassed to say) too much weight into consideration that she was likely the best I could do. This sounds horrible. But I think after leaving a long term relationship before her that many thought I was crazy to do, I felt like I struck gold again and this time stuck around. I now have a different level of confidence in myself that her being 'the best i could do' was bologna.
> 
> Knowing what i know now, I would not have married my wife. Some of the small mini mini mini red flags I saw early on were indeed very real issues that have now surfaced and made married life a lot more painful than I ever expected.


Nothing you 2 can't overcome, I'm sure. There is no perfect person/perfect marriage.

Don't focus on her negatives, focus on her positives (keep the negatives out of your head).

 :smthumbup:

My wife had TONS of red flags and I overlooked/ignored as well. And so did I. 

No such a thing as perfection.

Look up 80/20 rule


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> *LOL I'm 20*.
> 
> I got married because I just "knew" he was the one. I don't know how. Just knew. Not because we wanted to do more than date or never break up, but because I KNEW he was the one. There was so much love there. I dunno how to explain it. When you're with the one, it feels different with them than anyone you've ever been with.  And the thought of being apart from them literally makes you want to die. (Not in a co-dependent type of way.)


I was 22. I remember feeling she was "the one".


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> I got married the first time because I was a stupid 20 year old who thought that marriage was just like dating except you would never break up and get to see them everyday. OMG. Soooo stupid.
> 
> Needless to say, the second marriage is much better and I knew what I wanted at 29.


LOL Inquiz that is EXACTLY why I got married! My unrealistic expectations were shattered in the first 2 weeks but thankfully the pieces were put back together into something much stronger. After 9 years I have to say it is going well.Almost over that first crucial hump of 10 years!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

First time around I married for guidance,security,shelter,love and acceptance.

The only thing I received was security and shelter. 

Then I realized I had to guide myself,provide security and shelter for myself,love myself and accept myself or nothing anyone else did would ever be enough. 

This time I married bc I love him and I married for friendship and great sex . It's working out nicely so far.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

options20 said:


> I asked because I have come across a dilemma in my own life.


Options, what is your dilemma?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

i don't think I had much idea why I was getting married in terms of solid things like "grow old with" or "he'd be a great father" or "we have similar ideas on retirement" none of those long term things even crossed my mind, I was young but not crazy young... early 20s. Just all the things that would be on my mind now weren't then. The only thing was I did have a concept of "I want to marry him so we'll be together forrrrrrrrrrever" so I definitely knew its permanence and didn't take it lightly. But that was about it. I loved him and he loved me and we wanted to be together... LETS GET MARRIED. Logic.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Perfect combination of thinking I found the love of my life and not listening to good judgement.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

1st time around, he was a man's man with a great personality, EASY to be with, but lack of depth of passion was a warning flag I should have heeded since I KNEW it was something I needed long term. I also had no idea how badly his desire for boys toys would eat us up financially, nor how hard I would have to chase him all our lives, when women started creeping into his heart... I lost the drive to chase him anymore. (17 years)

2nd time Passion was WAY OFF THE CHARTS. Depth of passion was just THERE, no working for it or chasing it. I didn't even know how to handle it. BLEW my mind. It was what I was looking for all this time. BUT... it comes from a volatile person. I am extremely grateful that my intense man is learning to hone his ability to wield his intensity to constructive means instead of destructive. Deeply intelligent, except when he goes into denial, seriously keeping me on my toes. He is gorgeous, emotionally rich and I could swim in his eyes forever. Luscious lips... omg and his hands are magic. .... ok... I gotta stop...


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I like being married. So much in fact, I've done it three times!

The first one when I was in the military. Young and far from home. It only took six months for me to realize, it was such a mistake. Divorce no. 1.

It took about nine years to be old enough, mature enough, in love enough to do it again. We felt Love was all we needed. Thirteen years and two children later, although we had Love, that's all we had. Couldn't hold it together. Divorce no. 2.

So here I am, trying it again. It will be five years in Feb for marriage no. 3. Gawd, I hope this sticks!

My dad commented once, I choose the same type of man, tall and very hard worker. Even the kids have commented how much my husband is like their father. I don't see THAT! But hey...

No one can fortell what the future holds. I think you don't realize you're making a mistake until AFTER you do it. If you're having misgivings or issues now, then expect it usually gets worse. But if you sincerely want marriage, but just scared of the future, conquer that fear and meet it head first.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always dreamed of marrying one day.... to find that special man who FIT with me.. I never thought I'd find him as young as I did (at age 15)... but from the time we met, we were inseparable...and still today, we cherish our time together...

We talked about having kids for yrs before we walked down the aisle... we anticipated THAT DAY ....(we even waited for intercourse)....we'd take many country drives dreaming of buying our own house someday (while saving every dime)....didn't care about the white picket fence, just some land... with our children running in the grass...taking those family vacations.. throwing Big Birthday parties..and growing old together... 

We both wanted a FAMILY....that was just "in our soul"... we were on the same page in so may ways.... we love having someone to hold at night & wake up to every morning, to laugh & banter with, to have a shoulder to cry on, and lean on..when things get rough... My husband has always been my best friend...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Lila said* : *Ours is a successful case of opposites attracting.* Many of our friends didn't think we'd make it to our first anniversary. *They all thought our differing personalities would be our downfall. Thankfully, we have always shared the same family values, long-term goals, and ideas on marital sex and intimacy.*


 Lila ...did you know this often works WELL.....This is very true of us also.. Temperament wise..I am the Choleric , he the Phlegmatic.. (so opposite !)... My H is the softie.. I am the "rough around the edges" one.. Where he is laid back, and calm.. I can be a ball of fire.. where he is Passive, I am assertive....where he is patient...well... It's not my strong point (depending)...

It's a Yin and Yang thing .. I could list so many areas..... It seems whatever he is good at / his strong points.. I'm falling way behind... these are my weaknesses... and whatever I am good at/ comes naturally....is his weaknesses....(small example: . He excels in Math, I couldn't even get algebra in school.. He almost failed English.. I could write a book, he struggles with a sentence)....

But when we come together.. and work together...understanding each other...we utilize those strengths... 

I have a book on my shelf called "Opposites Attract or Attack"..a friend gave it to me a long time ago, never read it .. I just think temperament wise...it can balance us out - so long as we understand each other -with a little grace)...

But No so good.. when it's on those others things...like our beliefs, love languages (this causes much misunderstandings).. Life goals.. are we more traditionally minded or modern, if one wants kids, another doesn't, some of these things are BIG and would be very hard to make peace with .. 



DoF said:


> Nothing you 2 can't overcome, I'm sure. There is no perfect person/perfect marriage.
> 
> Don't focus on her negatives, focus on her positives (keep the negatives out of your head).
> 
> ...


Although none of us are perfect.. I believe our imperfections can even make us beautiful..or maybe a better word.. *endearing* somehow...

I tried to explain this in this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...t-but-beauty-can-found-our-imperfections.html

I have a different take on Red Flags.. I feel *to know thyself *and what one *can * or *CAN'T* put up with (realistically) is very very important ...before we commit to marrying .... 

For all of us there are certain things (always presented in red flags).. that we care more about , in specific areas that wouldn't be a deal breaker for others.. it just depends.. and so much of that is on who we are and where we plan to go... 

Examples.. of things I wouldn't be able to deal with...

1. Someone who Drinks..(meaning more than social drinker -occasionally)...I'd complain if they smoked too, I'd be riding them on getting cancer/ emphysema/ the cost ..they'd get sick of me!

2. someone who can't live within his means (wastes money, always broke)..I'm a saver and it would cause horrendous conflict...while I watched our dreams die. 

3. Someone who was passive aggressive in dealing with conflict (I would have 0 patience with this)...I need to talk it out.. no walls going up...

Then there are certain things that wouldn't bother me personally (like a little porn so long as he didn't falter on our intimacy- I like lots of that) ...but this could be a deal breaker for someone else... just good to learn all of these things..and know if we can hang with them.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

We fell in love. I just KNEW he was the one. You just know when it happens. It feels different form anything you have felt with anyone.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Options, what is your dilemma?


I already decided to get married my gf. I was just making the decision. I think I've decided now.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why did I get married?

Because I was young, stupid, panicking over baby bells, naive, blinded by love, and felt as if I had a responsibility to give my daughter a family that I never had.


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Why oh why.....
Well, for marriage #1, we dated in HS, got pregnant, and the seemingly obvious next move was marriage. Now, fast forward 18 years, 6 kids, and alot of mutual unhappiness inbetween, takes us to divorce.....
Now, I am confident in saying, and many of peers would back me on this......there is NOOO way im ever doing this again! Ya, sure....
Several years after divorce, I met a woman online. We talked alot, and eventually decided to meet. We had so many great times together, and she eventually asked me to move in with her. I did,, quite willingly, and a few months later we married. There surely has been ups and downs, as is to be expected.......but, I can tell you this with great honesty, I learned so much the first time around, that it has made my 2nd marriage so much more fullfilling for me. I could go on and on, but you get my point.....


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