# Lost



## nowwhat2do (Apr 27, 2014)

I don't know how to start this, but I'll start from the beginning. Met the love of my life back 6 years ago now, I met her through a friend, we had a lot of struggles together, her parents against us because I was in a different denomination then her church and fear of losing their only daughter(which is understandable), friends didn't agree with the relationship either(in all fairness, I did leave them in the dust once I met her, wanted to spend all my free time with her). I was in the time of my life where I wasn't sure what I wanted to do so financially speaking I was in rough shape. I lived in my parents house(payed rent) and went to school full time. My schedule looked like this 4 am wake up 5-9AM work 10 am- 3pm school work 330pm-1100pm. Then after I would walk 45 minutes to her house 1145-1230 visit her, and then repeat. I did this for a year. I got tired, and decided I couldn't do this forever, I worked part time jobs here and there. As we got more and more serious and in love I knew she was the one. We planned our marriage, I asked her parents for permission about 3.5 years into the relationship. I knew I had to buckle down and get my life straight, I went to trade school and specialized in heavy duty mechanics. I don't hate the job, but it's a job. Just before getting married we bought a place together, a car together, and paid off the wedding, and got married.

Last year September we got married, call me old fashioned, I waited to have to sex with her, never had sex before then. Got to admit we did fool around, just touching here and there, lots of kissing. I was a hopeless romantic while dating, and she loved it and so did I. Our first few married months were great, sexually speaking, but as time went on, I guess I wasn't prepared for "real life". Here I am at age 22 married, have a mortgage, car loan, insurance, heating, electricity, all the usual, and I guess it took a toll on me, I became less and less romantic. My job is exhausting, heavy duty mechanics, and it really takes a toll on your body. I literally come home some days and just want to relax and sleep. Between bills and the job, and little things here and there I became less involved and the romantic me doesn't exists anymore, the guy who craved her attention and lusted over her died. To make matters worse, SHE FEELS it's her fault, in the last 6 years together she has gained roughly 70-80 lbs of weight from a medical condition she has. She feels by gaining weight it caused this to happen, but in reality, it has nothing to do with it, but no matter how much I tell her she's beautiful and sexy it doesn't cut it. It comes to the point when we are having sex she isn't into it, she's wandering off thinking about her self, how she looks, and doesn't believe I want her.

So it comes to this, how do I re initiate our sexual fire, in reality, it boils down to me and how I've changed mentally. I'm not 18 anymore with no real cares in the world, I just dont know what to do, or how to make her feel loved and sexually attractive.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

How often do you have sex now?


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## nowwhat2do (Apr 27, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> How often do you have sex now?


I would say once a week, if our schedules are bad(she does shift work) sometimes once every 2 weeks.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

nowwhat2do said:


> I would say once a week, if our schedules are bad(she does shift work) sometimes once every 2 weeks.


Honestly, I would start by communicating to your W what you want. If sex once a week or once every couple of weeks isn't enough, then tell her so.

Secondly, start dating her again. If this relationship is the most important one in your life, you have to work at it. Set up a date night and maybe do that once every few weeks or once a month to rekindle the romance and spark. 

You can also schedule regular time together to continue to build your bond. Whether that's doing the dishes or laundry together, it makes no difference. Personally, my W and I take walks together at least 5 days a week and if the weather is nice, every day. It would likely also help your W to lose some of the weight that she feels unhappy about.

Yes, these things require a little effort and maybe even some time you may not feel you have but if you want the results of a happy marriage, you have to invest in it just like anything else of value. Good luck.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Wow, you two are so young and so early in your marriage to be having these sorts of problems. 

So, I'm trying to understand this. You waited until you were married to have full blown sex with her; you have only been married about 7 months, and you are already saying that your sexual lust for her has "DIED"? I suppose I can understand why she feels it's her fault. Here she has an undisclosed medical condition that caused her weight gain while simultaneously, you are becoming romantically and sexually closed off. At age 22, you should be climbing the walls for sex. Hell, I'm 44 and I'm climbing the walls for sex with my wife right now(but I digress)! I understand the difficulty that a 22 year old male might have to understand what real romance is, but you need to find out what she feels is romantic and act upon it.

OK, are you still IN LOVE with her? Be honest, is her weight gain an issue for you? Are you not getting enough sleep? Man, honestly, I could go days without sleep and still chase my wife around the house... Ooops... digressing again. Sorry bud. 

Anyway, you are young, so presumably, you should not be having any testosterone issues. However, if by some bizarre chance that you are, it would also help explain why you are always tired. IF THIS IS YOUR ISSUE, it can be fixed. 

I will warn you though, you had better take action, bub, or you will lose her. She is young, with no children and apparently, disapproving parents who will more than likely take her back in, if she is depressed and fed up enough to leave you. I am assuming that she is in her early twenties as well, and thus, will eventually be thinking that she is not going to want spend a depressing, self-conscious existance with an unromantic, un-attentive, unloving husband for the rest of her life. I can promise you that some other guy will come along and fill that roll for you as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow. Thus, if you truly love her, and do not want to lose her, you need to take action! Words are cheap. ALL of your compliments will fall on deaf ears, if you do not prove through actions that you find her desirable and attractive. Women do not feel sexy or attractive by sex alone. 

OK, so what action do you need to take. YOU ONLY DO THESE THINGS IF YOU ARE TRULY IN LOVE WITH HER:

FIRST, you need both need to sit down with a glass of wine and have a very serious talk. You need to ask her exactly what she feels is lacking from you and what she would like for you to do about it. You tell her that you are going to get more sleep and also visit an endocrinologist (to have your testosterone checked) if the sleep does not improve the situation, AND THEN ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. You tell her that aside from God, she is YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY and not your job. You, showing her through your immediate action, will show how much you value her which will help her feel attractive.

SECOND, (and ONLY AFTER SHE HAS COMPLETELY explained to you what she wants, desires and expects from you), you need to tell her EXACTLY what excites you. Tell her, your deepest, darkest fantasies (as long as it does not include knives or diapers!). I can promise you that she will climb mountains to satisfy your every desire. 

THIRD, you need to find a fun activity that involves just the two of you, probably on the weekends. Find something that will give you both something to look forward to. My wife and I took up ballroom dancing. Yes, I know this probably sounds very "old fart" to you, but it was insanely intense and almost erotic for her. It made us focus on eachother. Ok, back to you: You two can take up a different activity that is outdoors that might even help her with her weight problem. Just make sure that it is something ONLY the two of you are doing together and for crap's sake, FOCUS ON HER!!!!!!!

Gosh, only married seven months. I wish you all of the best.


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