# He can't seem to see the changes...



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Things have been going great lately, up until the past week or so.

H and I had a discussion last night about how things were going, what we felt needed to be worked on more etc.
He doesn't seem to see the changes I have made personally, and it upsets me.

After the A we both told our needs, and we both have been trying our hardest. I have been trying even harder lately, as he seems some what unsatisfied.

Last night he told me that he feels I am too lazy, always asking him to help me with things etc. This is something I have been working on, and I've felt a significant change with, but when we seem to talk - he continues to go back to the past instead of seeing the "new" me.

He also said that everytime we have a huge argument that I run and call my father, which I also have not done in 2-3 months. I am guilty of doing this in the past, but my father also gives wonderful advice and always encourages me to work harder on the marriage.

Several issues brought up last night were ones that I felt were somewhat resolved, but he keeps reverting to the past and says we "Never have a completely good day".

I told him this, and he apologizes saying he wants me to keep trying and he's not sure why he thinks to the past. He says "It was always this way before, its hard for me to see things differently"

I have felt alot of good days lately, and I am becoming discouraged with all my ignored efforts.

I'm not sure what else I can do.
He doesn't seem happy, and I am trying my hardest...
Is this another bump in the road to recovery?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

breakable said:


> "Never have a completely good day".


First of all, I confess I know nothing about your situation (I didn't go back and read old posts), but here are my comments based solely on this post.

Maybe it would help to have a daily 'report card'. Before you head up to bed, talk about the day and decide - together - how it went. It's up to you how you would handle it (maybe a rating scale 1-5), but keep track of it. And list the areas that needed help that day. You may see a pattern of a certain behavior that could use work, but at least it's somewhat objective. 

{{And I recommend you 'celebrate' the good days  }}

And make a rule that the past can't be added to your list. The list is only about today.

Over time, you may want to move to a weekly discussion. Or none at all. But, right now you're looking for baby steps...


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Janie said:


> First of all, I confess I know nothing about your situation (I didn't go back and read old posts), but here are my comments based solely on this post.
> 
> Maybe it would help to have a daily 'report card'. Before you head up to bed, talk about the day and decide - together - how it went. It's up to you how you would handle it (maybe a rating scale 1-5), but keep track of it. And list the areas that needed help that day. You may see a pattern of a certain behavior that could use work, but at least it's somewhat objective.
> 
> ...




Thank you!
I will definately give something like that a try.
I have mentioned to him that the past is irrelevant now. He would not appreciate me bringing up his past faults, so I do not want to hear about mine.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Baby steps, it's hard to totally trust change, somehow we as humans just don't believe it......
Keep making the positive changes and sooner or later your husband will replace your new behaviors and see the changes you are making.....remember it only takes one of you at first....some times marriages aren't on the same page and it's those times that one of you has to do all the work......this might be one of them.....
don't keep a score card, just do what is right for you and it will be noticed......
marriage is hard work.........
good luck and kudos for doing the work


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