# My life, seems like a waste and I see no happiness ahead...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I guess that sums it all up. Seventeen years married, twenty years together. Half were lies. He failed the poly, still won't come completely clean. He moved out for a couple weeks, it didn't go well. I still saw him constantly because of the kids. Made me realize I'm stuck with him regardless if we divorce or not. And I'll never know the real story if we divorce or not. I feel like my life was wasted on trusting this cheater. Now I feel stuck and see no happiness ahead. I made so many mistakes, the biggest being a stay at home mom all these years and now have nothing to show for it. If I leave I'm financially screwed and I'll have to uproot my kids. I just wonder... If once you're cheated on like this... Do you ever really have happiness again? He keeps on and on... Quit focusing on the past, let's move forward together. Easy for him to say. Of course he doesn't want to focus on the past cause he doesn't want to own up to any of it. And at this point would I ever believe anything he tells me? Going to counselor, still don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel once you're betrayed like this it just changes you forever. And not in a good way. How could a person do this to another? And claim they love you? Sorry, I'm having one of those days. Really, it's all my days.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Horrible times, difficult times are the the best times to gain merit. Anyone can live in a path of least resistance with everything falling perfectly in place. There is no merit easy achievements.
Keep working hard, I guarantee you will become stronger and see light soon enough.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you done any reading about how to heal from the trauma of being betrayed?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you done any reading about how to heal from the trauma of being betrayed?


I dunno, you mean books like After the Affair and stuff like that? We have a library of books at my house all on infidelity. Who would have thought? I recently told a friend of ours and she said - Wow, I always thought you two were two peas in a pod. 

He played me for half our marriage, it was literally eight years of secrets, another year of trickle truth and now... Well, he failed the poly. And still won't admit to everything! 

His life is very different now, doesn't travel being the biggest difference. I'm watching him like a hawk. But, what comfort is there in that? He's seen my counselor with me. Later she told me he's never going to admit, but he seems like he really wants to stay in this marriage. You're just gonna have to close that chapter and start a new one. I'm finding this next to impossible, especially after the poly. All day I wonder who, what and where. It's a miserable way to live. 

But, I've talked to a lawyer. And the reality seemed grim. We tried a separation for two weeks. All it did was make me realize he's forever in my life. I mean, I still saw him at the kids' games, he came over to take them out to eat, he watched them when I went to a meeting... I saw him literally most of the weekend. 

I just feel like I'm never gonna be able to look back at the past with warm thoughts, basically our kids' entire early childhood he had already cheated and was possibly still doing so. And the future just seems sad. I just don't feel any happiness, I look at others and wish I was them. I just don't see the world the same way I used to. How do you get past the betrayal of who you thought was your best friend for twenty years?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

IC from someone who specializes in dealing with infidelity trauma?? I am reading a book for spouses of sex addicts right now which deals with the trauma aspects of being married to a sex addict (as opposed to the codependent aspect) , but it speaks to me in more ways than that - most of it is relevant to anyone who has been betrayed, not just by a sex addict. I also have this book

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing: Dennis C. Ortman: 9781587613340: Amazon.com: Books

which I am in the middle of right now.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I feel you. It's a hard road, and when kids are involved we just can't kick them out of our lives. 
It helps me when I realize how common cheating is, 40% of men admit it, so it's probably higher. I have read that a man can cheat and still love his wife. Go figure? They can separate love and sex.
Does he agree to giving you all passwords? Cell phone access? 
Just remember when you look at others you don't know what trauma they are going through. There are all sorts of marriage problems out there: mental illness, drug abuse, alcoholism, physical abuse, verbal abuse. Most of us suffer in some way. 
My h did the 'forget the past' **** too. It's very insulting, only the perpatrators say that. Our latest MC said that the past, good and bad is always with us. Of course it is, it's like denying human nature to say otherwise. 
I believe in Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, it's real! 
Too bad you couldn't afford a 3 or 6 month separation, I really should have done that when I had my D-day.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

indiecat said:


> Too bad you couldn't afford a 3 or 6 month separation, I really should have done that when I had my D-day.


I did that and it was the best thing ever.

Hurting, I am sorry you feel so trapped. Your WH is unremorseful, and really, your only choice is to split with him. You will not just 'get over it' staying with him. Make the decision to leave (if you can't kick him out) and then do one thing every day, or every week, to move toward that goal. Even if it's something as simple as buying yourself new dishcloths that you won't open until you have your OWN place.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I was a stay at home mom for 11 years. It was the best gift my H ever gave me. It will make moving forward much harder but I still wouldn't trade it for the world. Remember, you did it for a reason. You can move forward. You will move forward. You will do it for yourself and for your kids. I found a part time job just to get used to working again and eventually I will go full time. I will also get child support and alimony and if I have to move, then I have to move. My only goal is to keep my kids and myself happy. What else can I do? I can't change what he did to us. Neither can you. Decide what you want for yourself and your kids and then follow through. Don't look for reasons you can't, look for reasons you can.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

Feel for you.
Now focus on you. The experience you are undergoing is a vicious circle and you need to come out of it. Betrayed, lies, angry and feeling helpless, and back to feeling betrayed. You see?

Focus on you and your recovery. 

Your status as SAHM has nothing to do with his cheating. He chose to cheat and it is He. NOT YOU. Focus on yourself.....


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I found "Getting Past the Affair" by Snyder & others much more useful than After the Affair.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

indiecat, I do have access to everything I think. I have his phone on GPS and can check the phone logs and texts. Now, I know he can have a burner phone or leave his phone somewhere and I'd see the GPS as to where he left it. I have his email password, again I know he can have a second email account somewhere. I have his FB and twitter passwords, although I don't understand twitter too well. Everyone has fake names and it's hard to tell who is who. I do check to see if he gets any incoming direct messages. Really, he no longer travels, no longer teaches classes where younger girls are present, he moved locations so he no longer works with the girl he had his EA with. (Personally, I'm pretty positive it was a PA.) 

His life is very different now. But, that doesn't make me feel any better. I shouldn't have to worry about my husband cheating on me. I shouldn't have to say well, his situation now makes it harder for him to cheat. That doesn't make me feel better. I'm sinking into a major depression where it has become hard to even move. I've tried two different meds, I just don't like the stuff. They only made me feel more whacked. 

I guess it's the fear of the unknown. He's no longer the person I thought he was. All my memories are twisted and warped. Every family picture seems like a lie. He basically has been a cheater since my youngest was two. It is very depressing. I just feel like my life has been a waste with him and I can't look at him and feel any connection. How can you feel connected to someone who lies to you? I feel stuck. I don't want to penalize my kids cause of his poor behavior. My oldest has worked so hard to get into the school she is at. I dunno. It's hard to see any happiness right now. I just feel once this happens to you it changes your view on everything. 

Yesterday I found out someone I know husband filed for divorce and left her for another woman. She has two very small children. I just don't understand how people can do these things to their family. It's the ultimate in selfishness. I told my husband and he said he'd never have left me for his coworker. That as his wife I still trumped everyone else. It didn't really make me feel any better. He'll stay married to me, but screw around behind my back. 

I had a dream last night he told me he had sex with over 25 different women on all his business trips. I woke up feeling crazy, it felt so unbelievably real. I can't believe what a fool I was.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

So sorry that you have joined our club, I am 6 month in. I still feel like its a nightmare that I will wake up from. All the good memories I had are not true, I have PTSD now, the joint counseling did not work and I now know that its over after 20yrs, he cheated on me for 15yrs even when I was pregnant, all prostitutes. I had no idea and feel so dumb, he made no effort to resolve his issues and still travels for business. I do not know how to make the pain go away, I feel that I may never be in a relationship ever again. I have lots of friends and family, and some days I forget for a while what I went through. Just work on yourself, eat well, sleep lots and exercise, it sounds corny but it really helps, more than pills. I think betrayal after so many years really is like a death.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

sham1024 said:


> So sorry that you have joined our club, I am 6 month in. I still feel like its a nightmare that I will wake up from. All the good memories I had are not true, I have PTSD now, the joint counseling did not work and I now know that its over after 20yrs, he cheated on me for 15yrs even when I was pregnant, all prostitutes. I had no idea and feel so dumb, he made no effort to resolve his issues and still travels for business. I do not know how to make the pain go away, I feel that I may never be in a relationship ever again. I have lots of friends and family, and some days I forget for a while what I went through. Just work on yourself, eat well, sleep lots and exercise, it sounds corny but it really helps, more than pills. I think betrayal after so many years really is like a death.


It is like a death, and you go through everything; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then, hopefully, to acceptance.


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