# When to Let Go - Reconciliation



## rrhouse

Hello all. 

I have a long thread in CWI about my infidelities and how my husband and I are struggling to work things out. I had a "two night stand" and a drunken kiss with a man I immediately cut ties with. My husband is trying to keep the marriage together for the sake of our daughter, but is still very angry with me about not just the first infidelity, but of course hiding the second one from him. 

In my mind I felt that the second infidelity was a huge mistake, unlike the first one which I kind of sought out and had time to think about. I felt that I didn't want that mistake to break our marriage, so I kept it a secret for about a month. In the mean time, my husband and I were building back our relationship-- until I became pregnant. 

He kept asking about that one night and was unaccepting of the pregnancy. Out of guilt, I told him what happened, and he is now more against the pregnancy than ever. He considers this baby a "trophy" of my deceit and wants nothing to do with it. At the same time, he still wants to stay together in hopes that he might get used to the idea before the child comes. 

I hate myself for what I did. After the night of the drunken kiss, I quit drinking and told the OM I wouldn't hang out with him anymore. I promised myself that I would spend the rest of my life trying to make that up to my husband and hoped, for his sake, that he'd never find out. I know that if my husband knew about the kiss, he wouldn't have gotten me pregnant. Every time he asked about that night, I'd shake out of guilt and shame, so I had to just tell him the truth. But I'm 3 months along now and he is still pretending like I'm not pregnant. He has also encountered serious health issues that he will have to control for the rest of his life. 

He is so angry and clouded with depression. If something small in his life is affecting him (unrelated to me), he takes it out on me and somehow pulls my infidelity into the situation. I am trying so hard to express my regret and shame for what I did while still being supportive of him while he heals not only from the infidelity, but now the pregnancy AND the illness. Nobody in our families knows I'm pregnant because he says he needs time to come around to the idea. I don't know why I'm posting here, other than the fact that I don't know if this R is going to work out. He is angry-- he doesn't care about life-- he is going to resent our second child and favor the first-- I endure emotional abuse out of guilt for what I've done, etc. 

Without revealing too much information about our personal life, as his illness is pretty rare, he is angry because he has to quit drinking and smoking, which was his only way of coping with all of the stress. Now that that's gone, he is dealing with the reality of the sh*t hand he's been dealt, and he's not just angry with me, he's angry with life. he keeps drinking and smoking, and even told me he hopes the doctors will give him a bad prognosis so his life will end, because he doesn't want to live this way. The "big" affair was in Feb, the kiss was in June. He's had so little time to deal with everything, but the outlook seems so grim.  

I'm just really unsure of how to help him when he's unwilling to come out of the depressed stage. I don't want a divorce, as I love the heck out of him and our family, but I don't want to live with a man who literally hates _everything_. 

Sorry for the novel. There's so much to say about this crazy situation. Thanks to anyone who read, it feels good to just type it all out.


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## Bluebirdie

I am sorry for the situation and for the way both or you are feeling. He hasnt accepted the infidelity for sure and is so soon, now with a baby on the way; he has a mess in his head for sure. 

Kids are not a reason for me to stay together; at the end they leave, and you have to think about the family environment you will be providing your kids. Fights, depression, etc... 

Have you both talked about MC?


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## rrhouse

He refuses to go. I'm not citing the children as the only reason to stay together, as we do have our moments and are happy from time to time. He goes from stable and working on things to depressed and hating me from week to week, it seems. His head is a mess and I'd hate to leave him in this state, but I don't want our second child to be born and he completely ignores it. That would be awful. I already think our preschooler is affected by the arguing and the way he treats me, as she sometimes treats me similarly- ignoring me and having an attitude. It's not fun.


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## rrhouse

Reading your initial thread about your husband reminds me so much of my own. He has been drinking heavily for several years, despite my disapproval and concern for his health. He uses money as a way to show affection, and even thinks that that's the only way he should contribute to our daughter's life (he hasn't taken her anywhere for daddy/daughter dates or helped with any aspect of her care, aside from money. He is a good father and provider, but he does what he does from his recliner with a beer/drink in hand.

After my infidelities, I found him looking for local massage parlors online whenever I go out of town with our daughter to visit family. He says its just for fun and "exploring the unknown", and that he would never go, but given his state of mind I don't know.

He also won't accept the infidelities until he has some closure, but both men have fled the scene like the cowards they are.


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## Bluebirdie

There you go... have been there and it was horrible. Took him a lot of years to end up calling me names, and now almost 20 years after still says that is the main reason he doesnt want to work on the relation. Maybe divorcing now is his way of punishing me, but also is sad see him as depressed feeling I deserve better, when we could have work this and try to forgive/forget. No... he ended up going to other women last year and just returned to the cycle again, but I did not fall this time, not even with him since the moment he walked out of the door, which will be 2 years in Dec. Was served with divorce papers this week and he seems to be a mess but dont and will not accept it  Sad way to end a so long relation after trying hard on my own, but definitively it takes 2 and finally understood... Hope you dont have to go through what I went to.


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## sammy3

Op 

Sorry your life is now a mess. Your husband too. Infidelity plays with your head in ways you as a ww will never ever get. He's got a long road to travel yet. It all takes time, and it all changes everyday day for us, as life that we knew no longer is there for us. 

Everything is different. 

~sammy


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## lifeistooshort

I've seen all of your threads and I really think you guys need to separate. This isn't just about your affairs and you know it well, you've been his emotional punching bag for a long time. Except that now he has an excuse.....just separate for while and let things calm down. Maybe when he has a chance to contemplate life without you he'll decide he wants to save things, and if not you're certainly not doing your new baby any favors. What kind of person openly admits he'll take this out on an innocent baby? A very nasty, self centered one.

You've f!cked up and you know it. But he has to own his own sh!t and stop abusing you, which he was doing long before the other men. It's probably the loss of control that he hates the most.....as I recall you guys have never really been partners anyway and his stuff has always been his. Such a man shouldn't be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

I remember your thread about the pregnancy. I thought he wanted you to get an abortion because he felt he would resent the baby?


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## rrhouse

I am really on the fence about everything. Part of me knows we should at least separate so he has time to process everything without me in his face all the time, but part of me feels like staying with him through such a tough time (that I inflicted on him) would someday show how committed I am. However, as you mentioned, we have always had an issue with our relationship and I can't see that ever getting resolved.

I lost any chances I had at getting our sh*t together when I cheated. Had I just left for a week and scared him into seeing how seriously upset I was, I could have maintained my dignity, and the upper hand, and had a chance at getting him to consider counseling and healing our relationship. At this point, he will never, ever, acknowledge his issues and we are at a standstill. As another poster put it, I broke an already cracked foundation. HUGE screw up on my part. 

While I do feel like he's being self-centered and definitely wallowing- I also understand that he has so much more going on than your average BS goes through. Just three weeks ago he was told he has a chronic illness that will affect him for life, and possibly- although not likely- kill him. We don't know yet. That PLUS the infidelity PLUS a baby on the way is a lot for any man. I feel like I should be here for him, despite his little tantrums. Again- at the same time- it's really hard when i'm not allowed to express any discomfort or stress on my end without a "You think YOU'RE having a hard time?!" comment. We should really be teaming up right now, I wish he could see that. 

Instead he goes out drinking with his guy friends, without even texting me ahead of time anymore. He used to at least have the courtesy to tell me first. He also doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore, and changed my ID picture on his phone to a nice collage of the two guys I cheated with. Really hard for us to move on when he does stuff like that... He needs counseling but I can't force it.

I don't know. It's really easy to ramble on and on about it. I apologize. Thank you everyone for your input and responses. 








lifeistooshort said:


> I've seen all of your threads and I really think you guys need to separate. This isn't just about your affairs and you know it well, you've been his emotional punching bag for a long time. Except that now he has an excuse.....just separate for while and let things calm down. Maybe when he has a chance to contemplate life without you he'll decide he wants to save things, and if not you're certainly not doing your new baby any favors. What kind of person openly admits he'll take this out on an innocent baby? A very nasty, self centered one.
> 
> You've f!cked up and you know it. But he has to own his own sh!t and stop abusing you, which he was doing long before the other men. It's probably the loss of control that he hates the most.....as I recall you guys have never really been partners anyway and his stuff has always been his. Such a man shouldn't be married.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

Who's the father?


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## rrhouse

He did. I considered it, thinking it might help our relationship, but he ended up saying he was going to divorce me either way (and said he was going to drop me off at the front door of the clinic and let me go in alone to "think about what I did". I didn't want to do it in the first place, so I told him then and there that I couldn't and wouldn't go through with it. 

The next day he decided he wouldn't divorce me because he didn't want his daughter to live in a single mom household. (Hasn't acknowledged the baby inside my belly since, except to gripe about it)

I'm giving him a couple more weeks to keep avoiding reality, just because of everything that's happening. He did say he _could_ have accepted the baby before the health issues sprang up, and now he's even more confused than ever. I'm trying to be understanding. However, the baby doesn't stop growing because my husband pretends it's not there. 





Openminded said:


> I remember your thread about the pregnancy. I thought he wanted you to get an abortion because he felt he would resent the baby?


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## rrhouse

Definitely my husband. I didn't sleep with guy #2. Husband and I conceived on vacation, out of town. No possibility of anyone else being the father. 




WorkingOnMe said:


> Who's the father?


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## lifeistooshort

You're not doing him a favor at this point. You remaining there allows him to avoid dealing with his issues and is allowing him to continue to abuse both you and himself because he can put all blame on you. Please repeat to yourself: "my presence is not helping him and is actually destructive for him". He's going to drink himself into the grave. Leave him now. Look, if he wants to reach out to you for support you can provide it, provided he is getting help for his issues.

Once again: your presence is allowing him to avoid dealing with his issues. Leave now. Honestly, this is so obvious from the outside looking in, you are nothing more for him then an easy source of sex when he has an itch and a distraction from his getting healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrhouse

That's a really difficult truth to accept. I don't really have anywhere to go, but I do need to take more steps on becoming independent. Every day he becomes more cold and distant, making it easier for me to detach. It still hurts my heart to imagine leaving though.  Love makes people crazy, I guess. 

Being around him right now is sparking a lot of really bad feelings and I know we need to separate. It's the action part that is the most difficult. 



lifeistooshort said:


> You're not doing him a favor at this point. You remaining there allows him to avoid dealing with his issues and is allowing him to continue to abuse both you and himself because he can put all blame on you. Please repeat to yourself: "my presence is not helping him and is actually destructive for him". He's going to drink himself into the grave. Leave him now. Look, if he wants to reach out to you for support you can provide it, provided he is getting help for his issues.
> 
> Once again: your presence is allowing him to avoid dealing with his issues. Leave now. Honestly, this is so obvious from the outside looking in, you are nothing more for him then an easy source of sex when he has an itch and a distraction from his getting healthy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

rrhouse said:


> I am really on the fence about everything. Part of me knows we should at least separate so he has time to process everything without me in his face all the time, but part of me feels like staying with him through such a tough time (that I inflicted on him) would someday show how committed I am. However, as you mentioned, we have always had an issue with our relationship and I can't see that ever getting resolved.
> 
> I lost any chances I had at getting our sh*t together when I cheated. Had I just left for a week and scared him into seeing how seriously upset I was, I could have maintained my dignity, and the upper hand, and had a chance at getting him to consider counseling and healing our relationship. At this point, he will never, ever, acknowledge his issues and we are at a standstill. As another poster put it, I broke an already cracked foundation. HUGE screw up on my part.
> 
> While I do feel like he's being self-centered and definitely wallowing- I also understand that he has so much more going on than your average BS goes through. Just three weeks ago he was told he has a chronic illness that will affect him for life, and possibly- although not likely- kill him. We don't know yet. That PLUS the infidelity PLUS a baby on the way is a lot for any man. I feel like I should be here for him, despite his little tantrums. Again- at the same time- it's really hard when i'm not allowed to express any discomfort or stress on my end without a "You think YOU'RE having a hard time?!" comment. We should really be teaming up right now, I wish he could see that.
> 
> *Instead he goes out drinking with his guy friends, without even texting me ahead of time anymore. He used to at least have the courtesy to tell me first. He also doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore, and changed my ID picture on his phone to a nice collage of the two guys I cheated with. Really hard for us to move on when he does stuff like that... He needs counseling but I can't force it.*
> 
> I don't know. It's really easy to ramble on and on about it. I apologize. Thank you everyone for your input and responses.


Just... wow.


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## violet37

In my opinion, if one party is unwilling to work it out because they are too busy using you as a punching bag, it's time to issue an ultimatum. He's put the guys' picture on his phone? That and his other behavior is just downright abusive in my opinion. I had to leave my husband to get his attention. I'm not saying that this is often effective, but when a situation is that bad you sometimes have to leave to salvage your own sanity. What I did: I made preparations quietly in advance, anticipating a pissed off reaction so that I wouldn't get completely screwed over. I told him I was leaving if he wasn't changing his ways. I didn't give a time frame either. Now.We had talked and talked and talked already to no avail. And then I left. Started proceedings. If he loves you and wants to work it out he will. If he really doesn't and just wants you to stay so he can abuse you some more, that will be easy to see. It took my husband about a week to figure out he had screwed up. I think we are in the minority though.


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## rrhouse

"Just....wow" is the same thing I think when I consider all the drama our family is going through. I have brought up emotional abuse to him and he laughed and said he could be much worse, that I'm lucky to have a man as good as him. If it's not abuse, it's certainly negligence. He just pretends like I'm not around these days and when I speak it's like I'm ruining his day even more with every word. He huffs and rolls his eyes before responding. It hurts. 

That just shows me he's not it it, never really was, and I need to quietly make plans to leave. Unfortunately my mother just moved out of town and my dad is more on his side, it would seem. They meet up and talk about me more than I ever spend time with him. I guess I need to find work and daycare for the little one. It's not the life we wanted for her, but we both screwed that up.


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## rrhouse

violet37 said:


> In my opinion, if one party is unwilling to work it out because they are too busy using you as a punching bag, it's time to issue an ultimatum. He's put the guys' picture on his phone? That and his other behavior is just downright abusive in my opinion. I had to leave my husband to get his attention. I'm not saying that this is often effective, but when a situation is that bad you sometimes have to leave to salvage your own sanity. What I did: I made preparations quietly in advance, anticipating a pissed off reaction so that I wouldn't get completely screwed over. I told him I was leaving if he wasn't changing his ways. I didn't give a time frame either. Now.We had talked and talked and talked already to no avail. And then I left. Started proceedings. If he loves you and wants to work it out he will. If he really doesn't and just wants you to stay so he can abuse you some more, that will be easy to see. It took my husband about a week to figure out he had screwed up. I think we are in the minority though.



That's good that leaving worked out for you. Not sure I'd it would help salvage anything in my situation, but as you say it's better for both of us either way. Thank you for the advice.


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## Roselyn

Your husband is very hurt. You cheated not only once, but twice. You need to show that you are deserving of him. First get a job that will support you and your child and contribute to the family coffers. You need to court him by showing him independence, love, loyalty, and friendship. After you have exhausted your efforts, then you can evaluate your situation if both of you still want your marriage. You need to show him remorse as to the damage that you have caused him. In addition, he has health problems. You need to show you care, will be with him through his ordeal, and can hold the family financially. You'll need to reinvent yourself - a new woman who is trustworthy.


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## DaisyNewYork

Sorry bout this but cheating once and then cheating again make it look you got a problem elsewhere. You both gotta see what's up an try fix that before you go trying move past the cheating


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## rrhouse

Roselyn said:


> Your husband is very hurt. You cheated not only once, but twice. You need to show that you are deserving of him. First get a job that will support you and your child and contribute to the family coffers. You need to court him by showing him independence, love, loyalty, and friendship. After you have exhausted your efforts, then you can evaluate your situation if both of you still want your marriage. You need to show him remorse as to the damage that you have caused him. In addition, he has health problems. You need to show you care, will be with him through his ordeal, and can hold the family financially. You'll need to reinvent yourself - a new woman who is trustworthy.



While I appreciate your input, it really rubs me the wrong way that you imply that I don't already contribute to my family. Is there no value in raising children? Maintaining a household? Planning family events? Cooking meals?

Not to mention I spent much of my daughter's first 3 years doing all of the above and working part time, at home, while getting my bachelor's degree. My husband has never had to purchase clothes or toys for my daughter, that's all me. The entire time I was belittled and ignored by my husband and told how I don't contribute enough, even though he and I both agreed we don't want our daughter in daycare. He made fun of me for going to school. 

We had issues before the affair, as I mentioned. Does that justify my behavior? Heck no. I should have left. The problem I have now is that I am giving him full transparency, I have given up every friend I have (with the exception of 1 girl who will do daytime activities with me), I refuse to go out at night for any reason, and I'm giving him space to do the things he feels he needs to do to heal. I also quit drinking a month before I got pregnant, but that doesn't really matter now. 


Yes he has health problems, but he still works full time and likes it that way. He still has the energy to bar hop 3 nights a week with his friends, without his wedding ring on. He doesn't need/ want me to have a job. I told him about my plan to put our oldest in preschool 3 days a week and he got angry with me. Personally, I believe the idea of me becoming independent has always scared him. 



I am going to get a job, but I'm doing it for me. I'll help out with bills, but that's for my own personal fulfillment. I believe the affair stemmed from boredom and a lack of personal satisfaction, so I'm going to work on being happy without needing the affection of men. I'm also going to put money away for myself and my children and prepare to be a single mom should things remain the same.



And hey, if it all works out, I have a big chunk of change for our happy family to do something nice. We'll see.


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## rrhouse

This new cell phone site removed all of my paragraph spacing, so I'm sorry for the big block of text above. Oops


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## 3Xnocharm

I think you should do him a huge favor and divorce him. This is killing him. It doesnt matter how remorseful you are or how much work you are willing to put in, this is likely something that he is not ever able to deal with and work through. You may have to come to face the reality that he may NEVER accept your child, too.


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## GusPolinski

Roselyn said:


> Your husband is very hurt. You cheated not only once, but twice. You need to show that you are deserving of him. First get a job that will support you and your child and contribute to the family coffers. You need to court him by showing him independence, love, loyalty, and friendship. After you have exhausted your efforts, then you can evaluate your situation if both of you still want your marriage. You need to show him remorse as to the damage that you have caused him. In addition, he has health problems. You need to show you care, will be with him through his ordeal, and can hold the family financially. You'll need to reinvent yourself - a new woman who is trustworthy.


You should probably read her other thread.



DaisyNewYork said:


> Sorry bout this but cheating once and then cheating again make it look you got a problem elsewhere. You both gotta see what's up an try fix that before you go trying move past the cheating


Again, you should probably read her other thread.


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## lifeistooshort

3Xnocharm said:


> I think you should do him a huge favor and divorce him. This is killing him. It doesnt matter how remorseful you are or how much work you are willing to put in, this is likely something that he is not ever able to deal with and work through. You may have to come to face the reality that he may NEVER accept your child, too.


"your child". Nice. That would be HIS child too. He may not get over the cheating and that's up to him, but he was a nasty selfish pr!ck before all of this and his attitude toward HIS child confirms he's still a nasty, selfish pr!ck. She'd be doing them all a favor to end this. Let him wallow in his anger and drink himself to death by himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

GusPolinski said:


> You should probably read her other thread.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, you should probably read her other thread.




Agreed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrhouse

3Xnocharm said:


> I think you should do him a huge favor and divorce him. This is killing him. It doesnt matter how remorseful you are or how much work you are willing to put in, this is likely something that he is not ever able to deal with and work through. You may have to come to face the reality that he may NEVER accept your child, too.



I am leaving tomorrow. This is HIS child too. 



Today I asked him if he wanted to see the ultrasound images I got today (1st ultrasound, should be a positive experience for most people), and he didn't answer. He just asked, "How did you feel when you first saw that baby on the screen?" I knew what he was fishing for, so I replied, "As much as you'd like for me to, I'm not going to look at this pregnancy with shame or sorrow. I won't make an innocent child a victim of circumstance. I'm also not going to feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life because I did a bad thing." 


If you read my last post, you'd see that he brings up the affair at any moment I'm feeling successful or happy. He also has, up until now, been pretending like nothing is wrong and drinking his feelings away. He's had two weeks to dry out a little, and is down to a 6 pack a night, which provides him "clarity". Maybe he is just now feeling the pain of the infidelity. Maybe his medical scare made him really think about his life. Either way, he now decided that the last month or two of us getting along was him using me for sex, because "he's not a wh*re like me, he gets it the only place he's morally allowed". Because he respects people, unlike me. He also went on to tell me my whole family is full of wh*res, even though both my mom and grandmother divorced as a result of being cheated on. When I brought that up, he said there was probably something they did to deserve it. And because the MEN cheated, they could still be respected, because they're men and it's okay.



He also continued to tell me that the people that support me emotionally must have secret motives, because he can't see how anyone could be kind to me after what I did. I deserve to be out on the streets wearing a scarlet letter. I deserve to be divorced and left with nothing. I should lose custody of my daughter. I am nothing, I am dirt, I'm disgusting. My daughter will grow up to hate me and be just like me. He's sorry she has to grow up with a wh*re like me to look up to. 


This is one night of conversation. He said these things right before he stormed out of the house shouting, "I'm going to stick my d*ck in someone else, why not!" All in front of our 3 year old, despite me begging him to keep his voice down in front of her. While I'm trying to cook dinner for our family. Dinner that nobody ate. 




I'm going to go ahead and do myself and everyone else in this house a huge favor and GTFO of here. Thankfully my mom has an empty apartment I can stay in until I figure things out. This situation will never, ever improve while he's sick in the head.


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## GusPolinski




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## the guy

me and my old lady *did* some phucked up sh1t to each other when we were young.....

It takes two to unphuck it!


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## rrhouse

the guy said:


> me and my old lady *did* some phucked up sh1t to each other when we were young.....
> 
> It takes two to unphuck it!


How am I supposed to get him on board? I'm willing to go to counseling, I'm moving out to give him space, what more can I do than what I've already done?


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## GusPolinski

rrhouse said:


> How am I supposed to get him on board? I'm willing to go to counseling, I'm moving out to give him space, what more can I do than what I've already done?


You've done just about all that you can, IMO. Maybe go to counseling on your own, though (or were you already doing that...?).

And I don't think that TG was laying any blame at your feet; rather, he was saying that your husband needs to either "sh*t or get off the pot".


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## rrhouse

GusPolinski said:


> rrhouse said:
> 
> 
> 
> How am I supposed to get him on board? I'm willing to go to counseling, I'm moving out to give him space, what more can I do than what I've already done?
> 
> 
> 
> You've done just about all that you can, IMO. Maybe go to counseling on your own, though (or were you already doing that...?).
> 
> And I don't think that TG was laying any blame at your feet; rather, he was saying that your husband needs to either "sh*t or get off the pot".
Click to expand...


I want to, but I need to get my own money first. Just found a church preschool for my daughter, getting her enrolled and hopefully starting October 1, and going to go back to my old job or find something new. Maybe I'll check the church for counseling programs, although I'm not religious, I could use the cheap/free help. 

I didn't think he was placing blame either, just wondering how I could get H on board. Chances are, I'm just not. I'm emotionally and financially preparing myself for the worst. Giving H a week of NC to think about what he wants. Not giving him a warning, just leaving today while he's at work. I know he's going out again tonight so I wonder if he'll even notice we're gone. I wonder if he was drunk last night and remembers some of the things he said... bottom line though is that he said them when no person, good or bad, deserves to be treated like that.


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## lifeistooshort

It's the best thing, not even letting him know. Just be gone, and ignore his calls when you get then.....and you WILL get them. He's not going to know what to do when he can't use you as a punching bag.

Let him "stick his d!ck" in whatever dumb wh0re he can find because that's the only type that would have anything to do with him. Right now he's not interested in anything but making sure you suffer until you die. There's nothing you can do right now, if he wants to end things that's his prerogative, but abusing you isn't an option. even though you f'd up you are still entitled to have dignity. Let him wallow in his own anger and hate. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrhouse

lifeistooshort said:


> It's the best thing, not even letting him know. Just be gone, and ignore his calls when you get then.....and you WILL get them. He's not going to know what to do when he can't use you as a punching bag.
> 
> Let him "stick his d!ck" in whatever dumb wh0re he can find because that's the only type that would have anything to do with him. Right now he's not interested in anything but making sure you suffer until you die. There's nothing you can do right now, if he wants to end things that's his prerogative, but abusing you isn't an option. even though you f'd up you are still entitled to have dignity. Let him wallow in his own anger and hate. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Thank you for the encouraging words. I feel guilty already for leaving, but this whole day has been so peaceful. It took him until 9pm to ask if he should leave the bar to spend time with our daughter (seriously 9pm)... then at 11 I guess he finally got home and realized I wasn't there. He just texted me "Is this some surprise, you're not here? Where the f--- is our daughter?" 

I'm guessing he passed out right after, because I did respond to let him know she was safe with me, but I'm not coming home. He never responded. I'm guessing he's just going to get more and more angry, especially because I'll be moving back and forth from one parent's house to the other over the next few days, so if he tries to track me down he'll have trouble. 

Should I at least let him see our kid, or go NC for a few days just for space? Like I said I'm already feeling guilty for doing this.


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## GusPolinski

Don't feel guilty. If nothing else, you've removed yourself and your children from your abusive, alcohol-fueled rage baby of a husband.

I'd say go _semi_-NC. Don't initiate conversation, but respond appropriately if he does so. If your daughter asks to speak w/ him, text him to see if he's able to talk w/ her. After all, you don't want to be accused of cutting him off from his child. As for visitation, wait and see if he asks to see her. If he does, make sure that it's in a public place like a park or something like that. And take a friend or relative w/ you... a female friend or relative. I say female because the last thing that you want is for him to blow up and start making accusations right then and there. That would do little more than steel his resolve, and things will get very ugly from that point going forward.

Oh, and document EVERYTHING.

Start talking w/ attorneys. Find out which ones in your area offer free consultations, and talk to a few of them.


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## rrhouse

GusPolinski said:


> Don't feel guilty. If nothing else, you've removed yourself and your children from your abusive, alcohol-fueled rage baby of a husband.
> 
> I'd say go _semi_-NC. Don't initiate conversation, but respond appropriately if he does so. If your daughter asks to speak w/ him, text him to see if he's able to talk w/ her. After all, you don't want to be accused of cutting him off from his child. As for visitation, wait and see if he asks to see her. If he does, make sure that it's in a public place like a park or something like that. And take a friend or relative w/ you... a female friend or relative. I say female because the last thing that you want is for him to blow up and start making accusations right then and there. That would do little more than steel his resolve, and things will get very ugly from that point going forward.
> 
> Oh, and document EVERYTHING.
> 
> Start talking w/ attorneys. Find out which ones in your area offer free consultations, and talk to a few of them.



Good advice here. Thank you. He's been silent all day. I went to the house to feed the cats and pick up some mail, at a time when I knew he wasn't there. It looked like he stayed home from work, got really drunk last night, and ended up at another bar all afternoon. 

He could have at least tried to see our daughter, but I guess the freedom is just too much to resist. Whatever. Also depressing- my daughter hasn't even mentioned him yet, except to babble on about his pet cat. She's so used to not seeing him.

I'm ashamed to say I was really hoping he'd call or something. Anything.


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## GusPolinski

rrhouse said:


> Good advice here. Thank you. He's been silent all day. I went to the house to feed the cats and pick up some mail, at a time when I knew he wasn't there. It looked like he stayed home from work, got really drunk last night, and ended up at another bar all afternoon.
> 
> He could have at least tried to see our daughter, but I guess the freedom is just too much to resist. Whatever. Also depressing- my daughter hasn't even mentioned him yet, except to babble on about his pet cat. She's so used to not seeing him.
> 
> I'm ashamed to say I was really hoping he'd call or something. Anything.


The next time that you go back, bring the cats w/ you when you leave.


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## rrhouse

GusPolinski said:


> The next time that you go back, bring the cats w/ you when you leave.


I can't, I'm staying at a rental condo. If the stay becomes more permanent I'll have to. One of the cats was his before we got together... He wouldn't do anything harmful, if that's what you're implying. I just knew he wouldn't remember to feed them. I'm also expecting my fancy diploma in the mail. I can't be too sure about the safety of that, so I'd like to get it as soon as it comes.


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## GusPolinski

rrhouse said:


> I can't, I'm staying at a rental condo. If the stay becomes more permanent I'll have to. One of the cats was his before we got together... *He wouldn't do anything harmful, if that's what you're implying.* I just knew he wouldn't remember to feed them. I'm also expecting my fancy diploma in the mail. I can't be too sure about the safety of that, so I'd like to get it as soon as it comes.


Not really, I was just thinking that bringing them w/ you would eliminate the need for you to go back over there w/ any sort of regularity.

Additionally (and this is just me), I'd leave my laptop behind before I left my cats, and I'd NEVER leave my laptop.


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## changedbeliefs

rrhouse said:


> I'm also not going to feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life because I did a bad thing."
> 
> He also continued to tell me...he can't see how anyone could be kind to me after what I did...I am dirt, I'm disgusting. My daughter will grow up to hate me and be just like me. He's sorry she has to grow up with a wh*re like me to look up to.


In this post, we have THE synopsis of the bookends of infidelity attitudes.

RR: you are 100% correct, one cannot simply stick their tail between their legs for the rest of their lives, like a whipped puppy, and just "feel bad" or "feel sorry" constantly, and in perpetuity. Unfortunately, I feel this perspective is constantly met with, "you're rugsweeping, you're not showing remorse." Unless a WS just appears decimated with guilt at all times, they must "just think it was ok." 

On the flip side, your H's behavior and dialogue is simply 100% NOT acceptable. Not only is he still absolutely spewing venom on you, deeming that your daughter will be "just like" you (presumably, the *ahem* wh0re part) is immature at best, and incredibly harmful to her, at worst. Your infidelity is yours to own, and your seeking to "move on" - though, as I imply above, may be seen by many as just rug-sweeping - is the proper goal. That's the whole idea, to move on from what happened. Your husband does NOT have carte blanche to just hold onto it indefinitely, under the guise of, "you're the WS, screw you, it's all your fault, and I can be as mad as I want, and do/say whatever I want, because of what you did." I mean, he can....but it has consequences....and it may be D here.

And that would probably be extremely rough until he gets some IC. It's going to be, "you cheated and ruined our marriage," or an even more hateful spin on that. I hope he learns that, the only thing you can do is just go forward as best you can. Maybe an ideal version of the future is no longer in play, there's lots of way we all end up realizing that. Still, cliche as it is, you can only make the best of what you got.


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## rrhouse

changedbeliefs said:


> rrhouse said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm also not going to feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life because I did a bad thing."
> 
> He also continued to tell me...he can't see how anyone could be kind to me after what I did...I am dirt, I'm disgusting. My daughter will grow up to hate me and be just like me. He's sorry she has to grow up with a wh*re like me to look up to.
> 
> 
> 
> In this post, we have THE synopsis of the bookends of infidelity attitudes.
> 
> RR: you are 100% correct, one cannot simply stick their tail between their legs for the rest of their lives, like a whipped puppy, and just "feel bad" or "feel sorry" constantly, and in perpetuity. Unfortunately, I feel this perspective is constantly met with, "you're rugsweeping, you're not showing remorse." Unless a WS just appears decimated with guilt at all times, they must "just think it was ok."
> 
> On the flip side, your H's behavior and dialogue is simply 100% NOT acceptable. Not only is he still absolutely spewing venom on you, deeming that your daughter will be "just like" you (presumably, the *ahem* wh0re part) is immature at best, and incredibly harmful to her, at worst. Your infidelity is yours to own, and your seeking to "move on" - though, as I imply above, may be seen by many as just rug-sweeping - is the proper goal. That's the whole idea, to move on from what happened. Your husband does NOT have carte blanche to just hold onto it indefinitely, under the guise of, "you're the WS, screw you, it's all your fault, and I can be as mad as I want, and do/say whatever I want, because of what you did." I mean, he can....but it has consequences....and it may be D here.
> 
> And that would probably be extremely rough until he gets some IC. It's going to be, "you cheated and ruined our marriage," or an even more hateful spin on that. I hope he learns that, the only thing you can do is just go forward as best you can. Maybe an ideal version of the future is no longer in play, there's lots of way we all end up realizing that. Still, cliche as it is, you can only make the best of what you got.
Click to expand...


This statement is very well-put. I believe that rug-sweeping and simply trying to move forward and not dwell are two different things, although there's a huge gray area that is defined by people's individual opinion. My husband is prone to dwelling on things and mulling over it a thousand times in his head. It doesn't help that he drinks so heavily that he gets stuck in a state of limbo, where he can't move forward in life. He's been doing the same thing since out daughter was born, but for various reasons. 

I, on the other hand, have spent the last few months NOT drinking, and actually dealing with my issues... you know, facing reality. I try to show my remorse daily by being supportive, not going out, avoiding friends involved with the affair, and even swallowing my pride and showing up at his friends parties, trying to build back trust with them too(and they all know). 

Any time I don't seem depressed or am not wallowing like him, he gets angry and feels the need to remind me of what happened, as if I've forgotten. 
He will literally re-tell the story over and over and, as you put it "spit venom". I cried every day of the week before I left. Haven't cried once since I've been alone. I still feel the guilt and remorse, but I don't need to cry every day. He's hell-bent on teaching me a lesson and it makes me sick. 

He's better than this, and he's ignoring his health and his daughter in this self-destructive path he's on. He's spent maybe an hour with her this week, and hasn't asked to see her once since I left. I did see *his* bank account (yes, he has ALL the money) and he spent $300 on bar tabs this week alone. I'd love to go home and work on everything, but something tells me he'd rather die than move forward.

*I failed to mention, he was recently hospitalized for blood clots and is on serious blood thinners. Shouldn't be drinking at all. Still, he drinks to his heart's content, apparently.


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## rrhouse

I've also told him a million times that I don't want him to "get over it", I want us to work together and rebuild, to move forward. He is right to be angry and should be able to express that to me. I'd be happy to listen, however, he's expressing his anger in an abusive manner and I can't allow that anymore.

On a calm day, I can get him to acknowledge that he's angry with everything, his health, money, his job, our situation, etc. On a rage day, it's ALL on me. That's just not okay.


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## allwillbewell

You need to do what is best for yourself, your young daughter and unborn child...which I would agree you are attempting to do.

You must reduce the amount of anxiety, negative emotion, and worry in your life in order for the children to thrive: they are so susceptible to stress in their environment at this early stage in their life. Imagine your unborn child being bathed in the toxic hormones that anxiety and worry produce. You know how you feel, imagine how this little innocent one must be developing under the circumstances. 

Remain focused on bettering yourself, keeping calm and stress free, speak calming words to your heart, meditate, pray, follow through on IC and stay away from circumstances that you know will lead to depression, anxiety and stress. You will pay your dues , you will come through this and see the light of a better day. Do it for yourself, do it for your children.


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## rrhouse

Well, about 3 days into me leaving he sent me a message that sounded truly lost and upset. He said he got an even worse outlook on his health and was spiraling. Of course, being the nurturing person I am, ran home to check on him, and stayed home. 

Within 24 hours he was back to his old angry self and even laughed at how pathetic I was for jumping at the slightest sign of positive attention. Here I am, back at home, feeling like an idiot for thinking he would see how hurtful he's being. We did have a good talk about how we're both tired of this situation and we're both debating letting go or using the love we still have left to repair. 

The thing is, I caught him in an argument pushing himself to stay angry. He said if he isn't angry, I'll forget what happened and do it again. If isn't angry, he's a p**sy who let me get away with it and then "I win".

He's refusing to go to our gender ultrasound, mad that I'm "holding a stopwatch" for him to get over it. Doesn't want the baby, wants nothing to do with it. Won't let me tell people about it (although I already told my family), won't attend the shower, feels like I don't deserve joy from this, or anything else in life, really. 

It's like he's obsessed with justice and it's making it impossible to move forward. There IS no justice in this. All he has are gestures I make to show remorse, which, in his mind are invalid while I'm pregnant because I "am forced to not drink and am not truly being tested."

How do I compete with that?


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## lifeistooshort

Well there's your lesson. He is what he is right now, and has shown you what a nasty, manipulative pos he is. You can either live with it or leave.


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## sammy3

OP, 

You have no idea what it is like to be on the side of a cheating spouse. It destroys the whole inner person. It changes the bs in profound unthinkable ways. You need to read more about what the bs is dealing with on a deeper level. There are a few very good links that talk about the effects on the bs, I dont have off hand, but maybe others do, & will post. 

Yes, you have your hands full with a young child, and another coming along, all the stress that comes with that, that even in healthy marriages can be tested sometimes to the limits...
But, he his dealing with a cheating wife, who is carrying a child that is guilty of doing the most intimacy act with another man , his wife... 

...and you're in "ok, land", we've got to deal with, I get it, it's cool. We can do this... we all love ya... just hang in there...because rightfully so, you do have a lot going on, and you do need a supportive husband, but guess what??? He's dealing with your infidelity! .... 

It takes a looooooong time to get thur this road, even when ones moves thur fast, the effects are felt long after. 

~sammy


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## rrhouse

sammy3 said:


> OP,
> 
> You have no idea what it is like to be on the side of a cheating spouse. It destroys the whole inner person. It changes the bs in profound unthinkable ways. You need to read more about what the bs is dealing with on a deeper level. There is a few very good links that talk about the effects on the bs, I dont have off hand, but maybe others do, & will post.
> 
> Yes, you have your hands full with a young child, and another coming along, all the stress that comes with that, that even in healthy marriages can be tested sometimes to the limits...
> But, he his dealing with a cheating wife, who is carrying a child that is guilty of doing the most intimacy act with another man , his wife...
> 
> ...and you're in "ok, land", we've got to deal with, I get it, it's cool. We can do this... we all love ya... just hang in there...because rightfully so, you do have a lot going on, and you do need a supportive husband, but guess what??? He's dealing with your infidelity! ....
> 
> It takes a looooooong time to get thur this road, even when ones moves thur fast, the effects are felt long after.
> 
> ~sammy



Sammy I do understand some of what you're saying. While I am trying to move forward, I also have to understand that he is still hurt and angry. He probably will be for years. I don't want him to get over it or forget that it happened, and I'd never do so myself. Currently,my issue is that I'm trying to build trust while he is still trying to seek revenge, when there really is no revenge for something like this. I just want to work together as a team to rebuild, not stay in limbo. I'm looking for some clarity, a decision. 

I haven't posted in quite some time because we have been so busy with new baby/ my school/ his doctor/ daughter's new school, but we did attend our first counseling session today and he participated. This is a HUGE step, and I am grateful for that. He also told his family about the pregnancy finally, which is another huge step. If I didn't understand how hard this was for him, I wouldn't stick around and try so hard to brush off all the hurtful and hate-filled things he says/does. I deserve most of it, to an extent. Sometimes I feel like the things he does and says are cruel and unnecessary. 

We're working on it. Today was a great day. Some days are hell. I appreciate each and every one of your opinions and words of encouragement, and will try to post more when I have the chance.


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## rrhouse

Also- I just want to note that I've read several books on the topic. I know what's typical of a betrayed spouse in these situations and I know what he's going through. As I said, I wouldn't stick around if I didn't think most of this behavior is a direct response to my infidelity.


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## LongWalk

You cannot accept abusive behavior.

Does your husband seek intimacy?

Do you touch him often in a non sexual way?


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## rrhouse

LongWalk said:


> You cannot accept abusive behavior.
> 
> Does your husband seek intimacy?
> 
> Do you touch him often in a non sexual way?



He recently did admit that his rant sessions were extreme and uncalled for. He's been trying to be less harsh, not yell in front of the kids, and not drag a grievance out for hours/days/weeks. I'll give him that, at least since I came back just a few weeks ago. 

We are intimate here and there, when there's time. I try to hug him every day, even if we're fighting. I absent-mindedly graze his back with my hand as I walk by sometimes, or scratch his back when we talk, if that's what you mean. Since our daughter was born, he has never been a very affectionate person.


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## sammy3

Does your husband want you back? 

~sammy


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## rrhouse

I don't know. We went to weekly marriage counseling sessions for about a month before he decided he didn't want to go anymore. He was upset the counselor was trying to help him move forward, when he wants to stay angry until the baby is born. He's calling it "probation" because there is nothing I can do to earn trust while pregnant. 

I've also been put on pelvic rest because I have placenta previa. He hasn't spoken to me since the diagnosis and he's angry that I didn't argue with the doctor to get the "no sex" rule changed. That apparently was his only advantage of my pregnancy, according to him. If he can't take advantage of all the unprotected sex we could be having, I guess he has no use for me. 

This, in addition to me not being allowed to talk about the pregnancy for 5 months, not being able to discuss names, and not being able to set up a nursery, just tells me that NO, he has no interest in reconciliation. He just wants to keep me under his thumb to create the illusion of a happy family for our first child. I have no idea what to do now.


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## sammy3

I know I too quit MC when our's was siding too close to my hubs side...I held on to resentment and anger for a long time. 

From all you have written, what I hear is one very anger man, that see's his life completely changed, hasn't come to terms with it all, has a wife that is preg. and he is dealing with her infidelity, she is trying to understand, but really is clueless, needs the support of a hubs. one that is not capable of giving that at this time. 

Infidelity changes us in ways that we just dont expect. Everything changes over night. Good & bad, it just takes a long time before the good can be understood for a lot of us... It can be the most painful and profound experience we ever experience as people. 

~sammy


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## ConanHub

Your husband needs help. He abuses you and that cannot be allowed.

With that being said. He cannot reconcile after what you did and I don't blame him.

He has apparently not realized this and continues to lash out in pain.

He should not be with you. You have caused too much pain from fvcking around and he does not have the sense to leave you.

He abuses you anyway. You should make a clean break. He is so filled with pain and anger that he is not thinking strait.

He still carry the pictures of your lovers around?

Super unhealthy.


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## TheHappyGuy

Sammy3, while I agree with your description of how a BS feels (I'm going through it again atm) I think in this case the OP is not to blame for not trying to reconcile. The OP has tried to move forward as a couple and expressed her guilt and remorse but her husband is not prepared to work it out. 

Her husband has an alcohol problem which I'm sure he didn't develop as a result of the cheating. He is completely messed up and needs professional help. He is immature. Going out with your mates 3 times a week, hitting bars in the afternoon are not things a mature husband does with a toddler and a pregnant wife at home. Even if he's full of hate because of the betrayal he should be grown up enough to not let it out on his daughter by not being a father to her. 

If he can't deal with the betrayal he should at least let her go and not abuse her on a daily basis. 

If he wants unprotected sex he can go and have a vasectomy. 

rrhouse, please be strong and leave him again. In a few years you will be thankful that you can enjoy your two beautiful children and watch them growing up without a f***wit trying to bring you down on a daily basis. Save your emotions and energy for someone who deserves it and reciprocates rather than someone who doesn't give and brings you down.


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## sammy3

I agree with above, and I agree the op needs all the support she can get and needs. I agree hubs is acting in a very immature way. I do think the affair and the sight of a preg wife is a huge trigger for hubs, which is bring on such resentment and anger. 

Sometimes as much as the ww tries, it just isnt enough... and maybe this ww is finding that out... 

I think this it is a very toxic relationship now. I dont think there is much left to save between them as a couple, the only saving grace is to save each self now with the children, as you suggested. 

~sammy

Happyguy, so sorry you had to go through this again...


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## ConanHub

sammy3 said:


> I agree with above, and I agree the op needs all the support she can get and needs. I agree hubs is acting in a very immature way. I do think the affair and the sight of a preg wife is a huge trigger for hubs, which is bring on such resentment and anger.
> 
> Sometimes as much as the ww tries, it just isnt enough... and maybe this ww is finding that out...
> 
> I think this it is a very toxic relationship now. I dont think there is much left to save between them as a couple, the only saving grace is to save each self now with the children, as you suggested.
> 
> ~sammy
> 
> Happyguy, so sorry you had to go through this again...


Agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3

Op, 

How are you? 

~sammy


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## rrhouse

I apologize for my inactivity and I appreciate everyone's input. Just take my absence as a sign that things are improving, for the most part, and I don't feel the need to vent on this board or sort things out. 

I've been so caught up with the holidays/ graduate finals/ daughter's school that I haven't invested too much energy in anything else. At least I got all A's and my child is loving her own school. My husband took two weeks off for the end of Nov, as he usually does each year to burn sick days. He said he spent most of the time doing some introspective thinking and he is having a rough time looking at himself and the mistakes he made in our marriage. He feels bad for ignoring his daughter, me, and the new baby, but he's also angry that he has been absent as a result of everything that happened. He is starting to understand that what I did wasn't completely "me", as I was extremely vulnerable and hurt at the time. I appreciate that so much, and feel like that's a huge step in forgiveness, no matter how small. We both agree that none of that excuses what I did, he's just understanding that both of us made decisions that led to the marriage falling apart. 

He does have triggers that turn him into an abusive a**hole and that's the frustrating part. He doesn't even recognize it when he does trigger, he just starts berating me about anything and everything that is slightly irritating to him at the time. The argument will start out about one thing and magically turn into, "Well you're a cheater and I win." I have to carefully analyze the situation and identify the trigger and point it out to him. I try to tell him that it's perfectly okay for him to express anger about what I've done to him and the horrible decisions I made, however it's absolutely not okay to project that anger and bully me into questioning my entire life. 

Last night he got onto me for having panic disorder. Then he got onto me for mentioning that I wanted to continue individual counseling because I still have kinks I need to work out for myself. Then he got onto me for choosing a degree in something he thinks is stupid. It goes on and on... I pointed out that he had a few beers and he's doing that thing (I call it "King in my Castle"- where he talks down to everybody and sits on his throne of greatness) and he needs to grow up. His response was, "I was the grownup when you got drunk and cheated on me". Completely out of nowhere, my cheating is brought up, and he has trumped any response I could possibly have. 

This is the biggest problem I am having with our recovery. We have good days and then some little trigger blows it all up and I'm hurt, he won't apologize, and nothing gets resolved. It's exhausting. I'm becoming confused and doubting everything about myself, and I feel crazy. My heart tells me to stick it out because there are little signs of improvement. Our daughter for the most part has a loving and happy family with little blowups here and there. We are 80% okay. I have to wonder if these couple years of tough times are worth sticking out, given the chance that it might improve and we enjoy the rest of our lives together.


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## allwillbewell

RR this is rough...

You two have to seperate the issues of the dysfunctional marriage pre-infidelity from the issues the infidelity itself brought to the current situation. It sounds like your H is beginning to look at the problems he brought to your relationship..thats a start. Did he berate you as you describe in your last post in a similiar way before your affair for things he didn't like? If so, thats a huge personality characteristic you are going to always have to deal with...I dont envy your position. I certainly hope he doesn't speak to you like that in front of your daughter. 

Is it possible for you to lay down some ground rules for his triggers? Its important that he feels safe discussing them with you in a calm way but he must stop using your infidelity as way of punishing you or winning arguments. Are you ready to give him an ultimatum and be ready to back it up with real consequences if he continues to use this tactic? He is incredibly insecure and threatened and so he resorts to bullying you. Dont fall for that treatment. Its as destructive to him as you and your relationship.

Has he refused to get counseling? ...because he sure needs it as you recognize. I just dont see how you can stay in a marriage like this if things dont change soon. Remember what you are modeling for your daughter..if she sees you continally accepting this treatment, she will likely learn to accept it from her partner too...is that something you want for her?


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## LongWalk

Are you walking a lot to keep healthy?

Is your husband drinking less? Does he admit that he has a substance abuse problem that is making your marital situation worse?


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## rrhouse

allwillbewell said:


> RR this is rough...
> 
> You two have to seperate the issues of the dysfunctional marriage pre-infidelity from the issues the infidelity itself brought to the current situation. It sounds like your H is beginning to look at the problems he brought to your relationship..thats a start. Did he berate you as you describe in your last post in a similiar way before your affair for things he didn't like? If so, thats a huge personality characteristic you are going to always have to deal with...I dont envy your position. I certainly hope he doesn't speak to you like that in front of your daughter.
> 
> Is it possible for you to lay down some ground rules for his triggers? Its important that he feels safe discussing them with you in a calm way but he must stop using your infidelity as way of punishing you or winning arguments. Are you ready to give him an ultimatum and be ready to back it up with real consequences if he continues to use this tactic? He is incredibly insecure and threatened and so he resorts to bullying you. Dont fall for that treatment. Its as destructive to him as you and your relationship.
> 
> Has he refused to get counseling? ...because he sure needs it as you recognize. I just dont see how you can stay in a marriage like this if things dont change soon. Remember what you are modeling for your daughter..if she sees you continally accepting this treatment, she will likely learn to accept it from her partner too...is that something you want for her?


He did treat me just like this before the affair ever happened. It hurts me to know that he blames his behavior on the affair, when he treated me the same before. I wish he would recognize how unhealthy it is. 

I am always open to sitting down and talking to him maturely about the affair and anything that goes with it. It makes me uncomfortable, because at this point I am so different than I was when I cheated. I am disgusted by it and for the most part am able to block it out, but if he is thinking about it I'll talk him through it. I'm always reassuring and try to tell him that he can take however long he needs to heal and I understand his feelings. 

No, I'm not prepared to give him an ultimatum. At this point, I have nowhere to go. I am a stay at home mom that's 6 months pregnant and on pelvic rest. I can't physically do much and will be this way for quite some time. We did do counseling for a month before he decided she was incompetent because she upset him during a session. This is the same lady I'd like to continue IC with because I feel comfortable with her and she already knows both sides of the story. 

I hate that my daughter sees him talk to me the way he does and I know that I will eventually have to make a decision. It's just so scary being pregnant and not working.. Plus I still hope in my heart that something will change. I love the heck out of him- when he's not angry he's a good man. It's just a tough spot. I'm guessing for now I need to just leave the house when he gets abusive. I don't know where I'd go, but I know abusers hate it when their abusee doesn't accept the bs.


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## rrhouse

LongWalk said:


> Are you walking a lot to keep healthy?
> 
> Is your husband drinking less? Does he admit that he has a substance abuse problem that is making your marital situation worse?


I'm on pelvic rest: No exercise (including walking  ), No sex (including solo activity), no lifting anything over 10 lbs. This could change in a month or so, but for now I'm pretty inactive. 

My husband can't drink as much because of the medication he is on, and I don't think he believes it has any effect on our situation when he does drink.


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