# Please please help me..



## Sadmarionette (Dec 18, 2009)

Good morning,

I really hope you can help me. I don’t even know where to start. This is what happened.
My husband and I are married for almost 7 years. We have a 10-month-old baby. When he was born, we decided for my husband to stay at home since he did not work (in the last 5 years he only worked for 6 months) and for me to go back to work. 
When I went back to work in my home everything changed. I would come home to find dirty diapers on the changing table and unwashed bottles all over the house. I pleased with him to help me out since I was exhausted from all the work but he never fully paid attention to that. 

6 months ago, we had a fight and he hit me twice in the face and grabbed my neck. I told him to leave the house and not come back. To make the story short he did come back and we had a talk where he acknowledged what he has done and said he will never do it again and that he could not live without the baby or me. 

Thinking that he must be under a lot of stress and knowing that I also am sometimes hard to deal with I forgave him. 
I never mentioned that day again because I sincerely though it will never happen again.

Until past Friday. We got into fight again and he slapped me in the face twice grabbed my neck and threw me on the floor. I hit the hardwood floor so bad that I had headache for two days.

I told him to get out. I was for the first time in my life scared of what the man I have shared past eight years might do to me. 
I grabbed my stuff and my baby and I left the house. 
I did not go to the police to report him since we are from different country where people do not get the police involved. 
I went to another state to be with my parents. I stayed with them over the weekend and he has not called once to ask about his son.
After talking to my family who did not want to take any sides (I understand since a kid is involved)I decided to leave my baby at my parents and come back home to finish this year working. I will be going to my baby next week. It is so hard for me to be away from him but I know I did not have any better resolution since with me working baby has at least health insurance and I only want what is best for my baby. 
Coming home, I found that my husband has not only moved out but he disconnected my phone services and any other service that was in his name. 
On Monday, he called my father to ask him if he could call me. He also asked my father how the baby is doing and if he can come to visit him. He told him also that he would be there for babies first birthday (in February).
He called me and this is what he said. I take all the responsibility for hitting you and I should not have done that. I was mad but I know it was wrong. I will be going back to my country to recharge my batteries and when I come back, we can talk because I do not want to make any decisions now. 
He again did not ask me one thing about the baby. I said ok but actually got so mad. He needs to recharge his batteries. From what? From staying home 5 years and not working or for taking care of the kid. I mean ok he asked my father about the baby but my father is not the baby's mother.
To be honest with you I do not want to get back with him. I do not trust him and I am afraid of him. He has already said once that he is sorry and that he will not do it again but he did. Moreover, this time he beat me 3 times harder.
I hope you can help me. I do not know if I have any chance of asking for restraining order. And down the road I wonder if I can seek sole custody since I am afraid that he might hit our baby too if he gets too much on his nerves. I don;t know if it will help in any way but i did take pictures of how i looked like after he hit me.
I will be working 2 more weeks and then I will be moving to my family in other state since I do not have anybody here and I cannot afford daycare. . 

It hurts me that he will be leaving the country without any worries about what will happen to us but more so to his baby. I know that he knows my family is here to help me out in every way but that is just not enough since this is his baby not my family’s. 

Please help me and thank you for reading my letter.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Sadmarionette, it grieves me to hear this story.
I am always one for reconciliation and forgiveness, however there cannot be violence and severe abuse in the relationship.

Your mind has been made to stay separated from your husband, which is the right thing to do. He has poor coping strategies and uses physical and verbal abuse to try and get his way. He has not been able to restrain himself from using this type of reaction despite promising never to do it again after the first time. With only one child to take care of, he hardly has managed that well.

But what I have to say isn't about your husband - it's about you, your safety and the safety of your child. You parents need to know where you stand with your husband, and how unsafe it is to allow them to divulge information about you and your child.

You do need the time to heal emotionally yourself, without him being present in your life. It's important for your own sake not to be concerned about him or upset over the lack of involvement he has in your baby's life.

I hope your family will support you in all this. All the best.


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## Sadmarionette (Dec 18, 2009)

Weathered thank you very much for your reply. The only problem I have with my family is that they refuse to prohibit my husband from seeing his child. I know they are right and I know my baby needs his father. However, I am so mad that he did not call in the past 5 days to ask how his son is doing. Not only do I not know where my husband is now (is he in the USA or in some other country) he does not know where I am and his baby at. I was hoping that he will maybe call my parents but so far, nobody has heard from him. I just think that a person who truly loves and cares for his own child could never go days without knowing the whereabouts of his kid and his safety. AS you can see, I am so mad because I would give my life for my kid. I was also thinking the last couple of days to maybe forgive him even though that would go against all I believe in but I wanted to spare my baby from living one week with me and one with his father. And he just disappears.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Sadmarionette, I feel your husband may be using your parents as a means to get his way. Saying that your baby needs his father is an enabling factor in this. If your parents don't see the problems he has caused you in your marriage, they are not helping the situation.

Your child does not need the example of violence in his own life. But there is a lot more to it than that. That's why you need the time to get yourself together, get your parents on a level playing field and be able to honestly discuss all the issues surrounding the tumultuous relationship.

If your husband is interested in your welfare or that of your son's then he will actively be involved.


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