# Turning into a Controlling Marriage... HELP



## coldweatherlover (Feb 15, 2010)

Thank you for listening. Sometimes I think it just helps to write it all out. 

My husband and I have been together since we were 14. We got married at the age of 21. He has cheated on my all throughout our relationship. He even has a 14 year old daughter. We have a 9 year old son together. I’ve dealt with the cheating mostly because I loved him so much, but also since we’ve had our son, I didn’t want to break up the family. Plus, in most instances where he cheated I found out about it and I would always beg him to leave me alone, but he would never ever go and always always always promised to change. Within the last year, I’ve come to terms that I will just stay with him until my son is grown and may be more able to understand and deal with a divorce. Since this time, I’ve also become a tiny bit more independent. Not worrying so much about what my husband is doing and just trying to enjoy myself and my son.

As my husband has finally began to work on himself a little, he has become SOOOO insecure and suspicious of me. I can’t go anywhere, talk to anyone, watch a tv show, laugh at another man, without him becoming grumpy and questioning me about it. He is making my life miserable. I still care about him, but am slowly realizing that my feelings for him have definitely changed. I am NO longer in love with him. He is my son’s father and I love him for that, but our marital love is gone. 

It has gotten to the point that now he is getting very angry if I don’t cuddle with him in the middle of the night. I just got into a huge argument with him today because he wants me to WANT to touch and be affectionate with him and I just refuse to do that. This is SO bizarre to me, as other than becoming a little more independent, I still kiss and love on him and we still have decent (a bit boring) sex. BUT, if I happen to roll over in the middle of the night and not grab him and hold him, he gets his feelings hurt.

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this??? It seems SO outrageous to me. It is making me absolutely crazy… enough to want to get a divorce NOW… I know it seems strange that I wouldn’t leave him when he was cheating, but now that he has become SO controlling, I want out!!!

We’ve began counseling very recently, but I just wanted your opinions. Thanks for taking the time to read my story…


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He senses that your feelings have changed and he's no longer in control of the relationship, and he can't handle that. The more you pull away, the more he is going to resist, because he liked it when he could cheat on you and he could think you would never leave him. Please don't think this means he really loves you; his cheating repeatedly is proof he didn't and doesn't. He likes someone he feels in control of. Huge difference.

If you are openly fighting and hostile, it might be best for your son to leave now. That wouldn't be good for him. Seeing a mom who pulls herself up by the bootstraps will be good for him, whether you do it in or out of the marriage. So keep up the good work!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep.

Get the book The Dance of Anger. It will help you learn to stop being the Giver while he Takes all the time. Bottom line, you have to start setting some boundaries of what you'll accept. For instance, the next time he cheats, call the other woman's husband. Make things difficult for him to continue to treat you like dirt.

At this point, who cares what he thinks? The ONLY thing he should be caring about now is what HE can do to get you to stop your road toward hatred of him.

And by ALL means, start putting money aside so you can leave him some day. You also may want to consider whether staying is really doing the best thing for your son, or if it is just you not wanting to be alone.


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## coldweatherlover (Feb 15, 2010)

Thanks so much for your responses. This does help and I will check out that book. We really are NOT fighting and hostile all the time. And especially NOT in front of my son. 

There is one other issue here. I've come to the decision within the last few months to quit my job and go back to school to be a nurse... Therefore, I really need to stick through this marriage for at least 3 more years. Then I'm hoping to be able to stand on my own. I just hope that I can make it that long.

Thanks again for letting me vent.


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