# Spinoff - the advantage of exposure on the cheating X?



## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

Abc's thread brought this to mind, so thought I would find out what the benefit is of exposing the affair?

When I confronted my STBXH, I did expose him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. His family, my family, our mutual friends, our not mutual friends. Within 24 hours, word had spread like wild fire. I can't really explain why I did it, just was a kneejerk reaction at a time that I was on zero sleep and couldn't think straight.

Fast forward 6 months later, and his parents have sided with him ("you know, S, we don't think he ran away with another woman... you must have pushed him away, and he moved in with her because she is generously helping him out.." :smthumbup. Many of his cousins and other secondary family members have sided with me, but choose to keep their opinion to themselves, and many of our mutual friends have dropped all desire to communicate with him.

Every communication he has had with me, he is sure to mention how I 'ruined' his reputation.

But, otherwise, are there any real advantages to putting out the dirty laundry for all to know and see?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

From what I have seen it turns a fantasy into a reality. Takes the fun out of it. Usually it cause the A to run out of steam. It also keeps you from getting smeared behind your back. 

Parents always side with their kid.

Lots of times once the A is destroyed in this manner they come running back.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

nosmallchoice said:


> But, otherwise, are there any real advantages to putting out the dirty laundry for all to know and see?


Yes! 

Standing up for yourself. 
Not letting them control the situation.
Helping the AP's spouse if there is one.

But if the goal is the save the marriage exposure should be done in a certain way. Telling others what is happening and asking for their help in saving the M - rather than doing a smear campaign.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The purpose for exposure is not to ruin their reputation. Expose and ask for the person's help to get your spouse to end their affair and work on the marriage.

Part of the excitement of an affair is that it is a secret. Affairs are not based on real life because they are not built around things like taking care of the children, doing chores, worrying about getting bills paid, etc.

Now that he is living with her, reality will set in. She is helping him? In what way? How long will a grown woman be willing to do this?

I suggest you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It explains how to use all of this to break up the affair.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, for me it was part of reclaiming my sanity. I knew I was not in the wrong. Nothing I did caused the affairs and the aftermath. My mother actually exposed his behavior to his family and very lovingly asked for their help. My children now tell me his family does not approve of his behavior. I'm at peace with that.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

To be fair to myself, I exposed my H to the family and friends with a plead for their help - asked his cousins to reach out to him, asked his friend (that consequently KNEW what was going on and did tell him to get his head out of his a** long before I confronted him) to speak with him and remind him of his commitment to us as a family. Our son was only 5 months old at the time.  My goal with campaigning the information was to find someone that could help reason with him as he had already shut me out. What everyone did with the information after that was their choice, I didn't have a hand in it. I know one of his cousins has already banned the GF from an upcoming wedding, and there is talk about the summer cousin reunion excluding him this year, but that is on them. It is my H that believes I have ruined his reputation, and so be it.

The thing that just sickens me is how many of his extended family members, who really don't know what to say, come to me with "It's too bad it just didn't work out with you and XXX." 

As if we both had just exhausted all efforts and called it quits. 

Thanks for the book suggestion.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The purpose for exposure is not to ruin their reputation. Expose and ask for the person's help to get your spouse to end their affair and work on the marriage.
> 
> Part of the excitement of an affair is that it is a secret. *Affairs are not based on real life because they are not built around things like taking care of the children, doing chores, worrying about getting bills paid, etc.*
> Now that he is living with her, reality will set in. She is helping him? In what way? How long will a grown woman be willing to do this?
> ...


How true this is. While at the time the cheater and the AP think each other is SO EXCITING.. they do not get to experience the day to day drudgery of lving together. The entire affair is built on fantasy and secrecy with only snippets of real life thrown in.

One of the women I work with, she came home from work sick one day, caught her husband of 20 yrs in bed with one of his female co-workers. He moved out that day, told my friend she was boring, old and fat (not true). He got this OW pregnant and married her 4 days after the divorce was final.

2 yrs on... he has cheated on the OW with .. guess who.. another woman. They are in the divorce process.

Affairs rarely end well. I've never had one so I wouldn't know from personal experience but every one I have ever witnessed are a train wreck in the end.

Anyway, I didn't have to expose my STBXH's affair, his pregnant OW is doing it for him, against his wishes. She is telling EVERYONE she is pregnant with my husband's child, since he left her 5 wks ago. KARMA BUS. And during his affair fog he boasted to me how green the grass was! :lol:


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> KARMA BUS. And during his affair dog he boasted to me how green the grass was! :lol:


:rofl:


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