# How can a woman help a man...



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

OK boys... I want to know what it is a woman can do to help a man find his inner alpha, to use his voice and build his strength.

It is the case of a man who seems to think he is an alpha because he does alpha chores in life (works like a man, does chores like a man, plays like a man) but in interpersonal relationships, has no voice, no power (All interpersonal relationships... fam/friends/me)

I would LOVE to see him alpha up a bit. It would turn me on, keep me in my place, and overall highly improve his family life and probably his work situation (he thinks telling his boss to f-off is all alpha... but really it's just stoopid in today's job environment, esp when layoffs are being threatened) 

Anyway... want to to know what I can say/do, how I can act, what is it that needs to come from me, to help build him up.

I know what a woman would need, but what would do it for a man?

And no I am not trying to "change him", just trying to build up what was beaten down (at least it seems a long bad marriage combined with his personality to land him in the weak, doormat position)


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## openheart (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm not an expert on this but like any life change you can't force him into it just indicate it very gently. I would suggest a book called "Wild At Heart", he needs to get in touch with his masculinity.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

You mean the book made into the Nick Cage movie? OOO Now I want to read that again!!! HAHA

I am not looking as much to push, but how to support, allow.. Hard to explain. Definitely not looking to force him into it, but just ways to encourage it and help lift him into his alpha


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You "can" learn this stuff. But you have to want to. Does he want to? There are lots of good books. Does he have a male friend or relative who would be a good role model?





woodstock said:


> You mean the book made into the Nick Cage movie? OOO Now I want to read that again!!! HAHA
> 
> I am not looking as much to push, but how to support, allow.. Hard to explain. Definitely not looking to force him into it, but just ways to encourage it and help lift him into his alpha


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

He is not going to read.. I am willing to. Yes he wants to build his strength, does not know how. I just want to be supportive of that and encourage him without making it obvious or having it turn into teacher student.

What does a woman do, to build up a man's strength? Like actual examples from experience. THinking back, what things has a woman ever done or not done, or want she acted that gave you strength?

And no really close good model


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Will he "role play" with you. Meaning - let him play the role of the "aggressor". Use someone in his family/group of friends who is treating him badly. Have him say to you - what they said/did to him. And then show him how you would have handled it. 

You might get him comfortable by telling him this. The "goal" is not to make HIM the aggressor, but rather to help him learn how to enforce his boundaries so that he is given the same respect he shows others. And yes YOU will be his teacher. And that is ok. 

Hell - I was pretty good at this stuff before marriage. My W has steadily amped my skillz over time. She is the ultimate interpersonal sparring partner. 




woodstock said:


> He is not going to read.. I am willing to. Yes he wants to build his strength, does not know how. I just want to be supportive of that and encourage him without making it obvious or having it turn into teacher student.
> 
> What does a woman do, to build up a man's strength? Like actual examples from experience. THinking back, what things has a woman ever done or not done, or want she acted that gave you strength?
> 
> And no really close good model


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And then switch roles. Let him play the "defender" and see how he does and equally important how he feels afterwards.



MEM11363 said:


> Will he "role play" with you. Meaning - let him play the role of the "aggressor". Use someone in his family/group of friends who is treating him badly. Have him say to you - what they said/did to him. And then show him how you would have handled it.
> 
> You might get him comfortable by telling him this. The "goal" is not to make HIM the aggressor, but rather to help him learn how to enforce his boundaries so that he is given the same respect he shows others. And yes YOU will be his teacher. And that is ok.
> 
> Hell - I was pretty good at this stuff before marriage. My W has steadily amped my skillz over time. She is the ultimate interpersonal sparring partner.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Role playing without really saying it's role playing might work... I guess it's hard to describe what I am looking for here. I think I am looking for things you may not have realized till later.

All people face times in their life where they loose their strength, I was just wondering if the guys can remember anything their woman did for them that helped them get it back, or helped build them up.

There is a fine line between teach/student situations and belittling, and supporting and helping sometimes. It is a line my relationship has too often crossed, so I think I am just looking for routes that haven't been taken. 

There is a blunt honesty, a certain way that I have with close girlfriends, and this is part of what I think has held up together as friends since the dawn of dinosaur, but it does not translate into a man/woman relationship. Just trying to find the ways that do work..

I feel like I can look at men and understand them so easily, until I am in a relationship and silly emotions get in the way, and suddenly I am a complete dope LOL


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

You know, I've been wondering the same thing. I really think my husband of 9 years would benefit greatly from the whole "manning up" thing, both professionally and I believe it would make our good marriage great! HOWEVER, he hates to read. Also I think it would go over like a fart in church if I was like "hey babe. You need to be more manly. Here are some articles and tips on how to act your gender." Is there a way us ladies can act that would ENGENDER a manning up response without calling into question the size of his cojones, so to speak?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

HAAAA I SOOOOO Understand the "going over like a fart in church" issue!!! LMAO, If I were to even bring it up using "manning up" or "alpha male" references, he would take it as belittling, though if we have a non directive discussion about the "alpha" he understands what that is, and even admits to loosing some of that in himself, but don't dare bring up some theory about getting it back!!!! No self help books for him HAHA There's that fart again HAHA

I know that is my case, good friends supporting what i do and reminding me when/where I need strength does it, but I also think differently and am not afraid of a theory or two HAHA, the same would never work for him and would cause more problems than solutions


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A woman looking for a tactful way to tell a dude he needs to 'man up' is going to be about as successful as a man trying to tell his beloved that she'd look great if she lost some weight.

There needs to be a catalyst event to shift thinking. The primary catalyst on these boards for men is very common. However, I wouldn't suggest that either of you choose to pursue an affair


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Be sassy, and invite him to spank you.

Work on this very dynamic in creative ways, some obvious, some subtle, and let the rest fall into place.

Having merely a conversation, a woman using words to tell her man that he needs to "man up", will mostly backfire.


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

Ha! Ummmmmm.....yeah....if telling my husband to man up is like him telling me to "put down the doughnut, Thunderthighs," then I certainly won't be going that route. However, there are certain ways he can BEHAVE in order to naturally motivate my fat a$$ off the couch without slinging a single hurtful word. I.e., buying only healthy options, inviting me to go to the gym, for a walk, etc. I think we are trying to figure out if there is a similarly unoffensive and subtle way to motivate our SO's to make an equally positive change. (I'm not fat btw. Just playing along with the metaphor )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

this is why I am not looking for what to say, but rather what to DO or how to act... I started as small as refusing to give my input into a date this weekend. I told him to pick the place, day, time, and just let me know when where and what outfit. Wouldn't let him even ask what I wanted to to do.. told him I would be OK no matter what he picked. Told him he knows me well enough to pick out date LOL

That alone I think is just a way to push him into taking control... small, but hey... if he gets to Sat night without telling me where we are going or what we are doing till we are there.... I may be turned on enough to make us late for any possible reservations he made!!!!!! HAHAHAHA Now if his little bit of manning up gets him molested in a parking lot... maybe he will work out in his head how to get more? Is that speaking man language?


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## logan21 (Mar 4, 2011)

Deejo said:


> A woman looking for a tactful way to tell a dude he needs to 'man up' is going to be about as successful as a man trying to tell his beloved that she'd look great if she lost some weight.
> 
> There needs to be a catalyst event to shift thinking. The primary catalyst on these boards for men is very common. *However, I wouldn't suggest that either of you choose to pursue an affair *


Unfortunately, that's what it took for me to look into the mirror and realize what I had become (via this forum). I honestly don't know of a good way to do it. Positive reinforcement of Alpha behavior would be good for sure, but I'm not sure how far that would take him. I might have taken a book (from wife) on becoming more "Alpha" if it was framed as a way to get ahead in my work. Also, if a friend gave me some literature that told me how to get more "action" from my wife. THAT would have been worth a read to me for the past several years!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm described as an alpha male by my peers and my wife, so I'll give it a try, because it can definately be learned.

To me, it requires growing confidence, impatience, and common sense.

If you SO thinks that telling off the boss is being alpha, he's a little off. It's telling him off in a constructive manner, getting his way, and then having the boss apologize for the whole thing. 

I started a job in supervision with a manager who was a natural trainer of leaders. For instance, he told me to prepare a financial overview for his area so he could present it to the division manager. On the day that the management showed up, and we had over a hundred people in the audience, he said, "Why don't you take this one?" and made me do the presentation. Eventually, when the division manager was giiving a similar overview, I found a way to diplomatically stop him, because he was putting everyone to sleep, and I took over for him. That's the short of the convoluted story. Help him learn by doing. Encourage him to step up in groups, family events, life situations, and it becomes addictive.

An example: Insurance denies $3,000 worth of medical claims. A guy who thinks he's alpha will call the agent and scream incoherently. The real alpha will do homework. You will tell him that you believe in him, and he'll get skin in the game. Will talk to doctors offices, insurance reps, company agents, and make the insurance company look like idiots for not paying. In my case, they knew me on a first name basis. I promised them that one thing was certain if they didn't pay: they would speak to me for thirty minutes every day for the rest of their lives. Then, I proceded to become their best friend. In my case, I've avoided $70,000 in unpaid claims for my children so far. The state insurance agency and Attorney General put me on their mailing lists.

To me, the point is in helping him see that he can take control over things in his life, and the relationships. With time, he'll grow impatient if others are doing things wrong and step in. It would be great to have a cheerleader, but one who is secretly reinforcing the cases where he doesn't just go off half-****ed, but makes things better because he took control.

At work, he could volunteer to be a first responder. At family events, maybe you could help him think of a reason to offer a toast, or a short speech if someone is going away, etc. 

I know alot of people call it arrogance. My wife has never complained, though. She just points me in the right direction sometimes and says "sick'em"


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Thanks Hailen, there are thinks there I think I can use. I am currently trying to encourage him to take some steps both for himself and collectively with his co-workers, to protect their jobs. Just simply making themselves heard, putting their story in the minds of people who can add to their voice.

It is frustrating on my end that even the simple things aren't being done (comes off looking like it's easier to just give up than to fight)

I am hoping to hear him say he took one step so that I can use the moment to encourage more and support that. It's really hard to hear someone complain about a situation while doing nothing within their power to fix it (that will turn into shoulda woulda coulda later if it goes wrong) I know that if he used his voice, he feel better with strength, not to mention likely make a difference in his own future. It's a hard thing to watch


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Halien said:


> I'm described as an alpha male by my peers and my wife, so I'll give it a try, because it can definately be learned.
> 
> To me, it requires growing confidence, impatience, and common sense.
> 
> ...



Excellent advice! But you'd have to tailor it specifically to the male in question -- not everyone beats their chest the same way.

I think that the confidence issue is dead-on, and the good news is that it's addictive. But it comes from success, which, while addictive, can also be elusive.

It doesn't need to start with success at work, however. Perceiving himself to be a success in a field of endeavor which he respects would be enough to germinate that seed. If he has a hobby, encourage him to accomplish some important task in it. If he loves professional sports, then encourage him to play fantasy football/baseball/whatever, and volunteer to teach some little league. If he's good with mechanical stuff, encourage him to start an involved -- but achievable -- project. 

The keys are encouragement, not direction; it's permitted for you to give advice -- even unsolicited, if you do it the right way -- but you don't want to come across as being critical. You want to be supportive without making him feel condescended to. And you want to make him feel proud and important for his accomplishments . . . I'll leave it to your imagination to figure out how to do this.

Thing is, like confidence, success is addictive. Once you get a taste and realize what you can do -- and that you are free to do it -- you want to achieve. And that achievement builds confidence. That's why Charlie Sheen can get away with what he does -- he's achieved himself into a position where he can be a raving a-hole on TV and get away with it. Love him or hate him, the man knows Alpha.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Excellent advice! But you'd have to tailor it specifically to the male in question -- not everyone beats their chest the same way.
> 
> I think that the confidence issue is dead-on, and the good news is that it's addictive. But it comes from success, which, while addictive, can also be elusive.
> 
> ...


I like the advice you give too.  

Except the Charlie Sheen part, he is screaming and yelling recently, it has really shown that he has mental problems, look at his facial expression, he looks like a mad man and his is ugly!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> It doesn't need to start with success at work, however. Perceiving himself to be a success in a field of endeavor which he respects would be enough to germinate that seed. .


This was good advice, and I might be wrong, but I participated in a study where the researcher was basically under the belief that the alpha thing was all about confidence in bending others to your own vision of how something should go. Gathering a group of followers as you refuse to accept that some issue can't be changed, even in a family. Its like a drug. Some of the guys were firemen, some corporate types, while others participated in organizations around a hobby.

I personally relate to the union hourly types - this was where I started, then supervised. We get together after work to show off someone's new Harley, etc, and you start noticing the guy who tends to gather a crowd around him. Now, I've moved into the executive ranks.

My sister in law divorced her first husband. One of the issues was how he just lived his life on the couch and played video games. She told my wife that she wouldn't marry again unless it was an alpha type, or similar. She married a guy who is now a marketing executive in an international firm, but much younger than me. This guy is alpha at work, but pretty insecure at home, especially with his extended family. He just can't do it when his dad is around (an automotive VP). The sis seems to go out of her way to try to create situations where I can help him. We celebrate holidays together until this year. I had my own traditions, and his dad had his. I'm talking about things like toasts, where everyone has to toast someone in the family for thanksgiving, whereas his dad liked to just let the football game rule the day, even during the meal. Yeah, its a little thing, but they're all New Yorkers and it takes an alpha guy to make them keep the football game off. This year, we went elsewhere and the sis said that her husband went alpha with his dad there and took control of the traditions, doing it his way.


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

All good, action-based advice woth VERBS! Thank you so much guys!  woodstock, I feel like we're in a similar situation. With my husband, I don't know if it is a fear-based inability to ACT, or lack of confidence, or what, but at the moment it feels hard to "catch him in the alpha," and react accordingly. However, I have also realized that I tend to be a bit, ummmm.....opinionated (domineering) and vebose (won't shut up) and strong (immovable). I have decided that in order to facilitate a changing of the guard, I will have to make more of an effort to acquiesce (submit). The alpha pendulum needs to swing in his direction, and I have had such a white knuckled grip on it that I will have to release and push it in his direction. Maybe it' a case of be careful what you wish for. we are taught from an early age to "find a nice guy and settle down." Well, maybe I found a GREAT guy, beat the "nice" INTO him (so to speak), and now I have to help fix it. What do you guys think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

CarolinaGirl said:


> All good, action-based advice woth VERBS! Thank you so much guys!  woodstock, I feel like we're in a similar situation. With my husband, I don't know if it is a fear-based inability to ACT, or lack of confidence, or what, but at the moment it feels hard to "catch him in the alpha," and react accordingly. However, I have also realized that I tend to be a bit, ummmm.....opinionated (domineering) and vebose (won't shut up) and strong (immovable). I have decided that in order to facilitate a changing of the guard, I will have to make more of an effort to acquiesce (submit). The alpha pendulum needs to swing in his direction, and I have had such a white knuckled grip on it that I will have to release and push it in his direction. Maybe it' a case of be careful what you wish for. we are taught from an early age to "find a nice guy and settle down." Well, maybe I found a GREAT guy, beat the "nice" INTO him (so to speak), and now I have to help fix it. What do you guys think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I probably didn't mention that my wife is very much like you describe yourself. She and her sister are the only married women in their extended family. Very strong men haters. Fortunately, I've always worked in a company that requires continuous training in mutual respect, and I respect her enough to try to avoid the areas where she is smarter or better suited. A true alpha is not intimidated by following when others are better suited, at least in my opinion. In a nutshell, I get the final word every time, but half the time it is "Yes, Maam."


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Well, I think telling him that bringing out his "alpha" would turn me on has been somewhat of an inspiration... SO much for the old adage "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

At least I have found the way to a man's "alpha" is through his staff"


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

woodstock said:


> Well, I think telling him that bringing out his "alpha" would turn me on has been somewhat of an inspiration... SO much for the old adage "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"
> 
> At least I have found the way to a man's "alpha" is through his staff"


Wow! Did you just tell him outright?!?! You're my heeeeeerooooo. Haha 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

Halien said:


> I think I probably didn't mention that my wife is very much like you describe yourself. She and her sister are the only married women in their extended family. Very strong men haters. Fortunately, I've always worked in a company that requires continuous training in mutual respect, and I respect her enough to try to avoid the areas where she is smarter or better suited. A true alpha is not intimidated by following when others are better suited, at least in my opinion. In a nutshell, I get the final word every time, but half the time it is "Yes, Maam."


I agree, and my husband and I a re thankfully very good at very different things. I definitely want to be respected for my talents, and I want for him to be in "charge" of everything else. Your input is fantastic. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

CarolinaGirl said:


> Wow! Did you just tell him outright?!?! You're my heeeeeerooooo. Haha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well ya, it's true LOL I WANT to be turned on, so I will tell him what to do to make that happen HAHA Lord knows he isn't gonna figure out on his own :rofl:


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## CarolinaGirl (Feb 13, 2011)

Halien said:


> I think I probably didn't mention that my wife is very much like you describe yourself. She and her sister are the only married women in their extended family. Very strong men haters. Fortunately, I've always worked in a company that requires continuous training in mutual respect, and I respect her enough to try to avoid the areas where she is smarter or better suited. A true alpha is not intimidated by following when others are better suited, at least in my opinion. In a nutshell, I get the final word every time, but half the time it is "Yes, Maam."


I agree, and my husband and I a re thankfully very good at very different things. I definitely want to be respected for my talents, and I want for him to be in "charge" of everything else. Your input is fantastic. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

woodstock said:


> OK boys... I want to know what it is a woman can do to help a man find his inner alpha, to use his voice and build his strength.
> 
> It is the case of a man who seems to think he is an alpha because he does alpha chores in life (works like a man, does chores like a man, plays like a man) but in interpersonal relationships, has no voice, no power (All interpersonal relationships... fam/friends/me)
> 
> ...


I recently went through this journey so might be of some help.

What I can tell you right away is that the reason for being beta in a relationship can vary wildly and can involve a lot of factors.

For me, it was simply my need for "female approval". Around other men and at work I was plenty alpha (assertive, confident, even aggressive if provoked). Around women I was a puppet.

I started by reading NMMNG. Sure that helped explain what turned women on, and how my behaviour reduced attractiveness to women, but it didn't explain or reduce my desire to please women and seek their approval.

For me it had to do with a lot of things from my childhood involving my mum, dad, their separation, my late development, and my ex-wife.

It took a lot of counselling to understand the root cause of my characteristics toward women and only then could I change my behaviours around them. Even now I have to remind myself of it.

But as I said, it varies for everyone, but if I had to guess, it would have something to do with pleasing you or seeking your approval.

It will be hard for him to believe any of this as he will be unaware of it. It took being cheated on and a divorce for me to start counselling and learn about myself.

You should know it won;t be easy from him and will probably involve a LOT work, and that's if he wants to.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZOMBIE THREAD

This thread is 4 years old. The OP is not coming back.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I have no suggestions for you on this but will be more than willing to participate when someone wants to know how a wife can tear down a husbands masculinity. I am well versed in that area.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> ZOMBIE THREAD
> 
> This thread is 4 years old. The OP is not coming back.


Alpha zombie? &#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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