# Advice needed



## Lizmum (Feb 26, 2014)

My hubby of 12 years (8 married) kissed an 18 year old (he's 33) last Friday.. he told me Sunday. We have 3 kids 5,3 and 1 month and he has never made it a secret he has wanted to see what it was like to have sex with other people because he feels we met so early (22) and he's never experienced it before. Given a friend of ours just passed away... he is all I could die tomorrow, we've been married 12 years, only young once now is the time.

I've never been an open r'ship type person and we've always discussed that if any of this should happen, we should be honest... which I guess he has. But why do I feel like he is giving me an ultimatum whether to accept that he wants to explore things further with the 18 year old or get a divorce 'because life's too short'. I agreed to let him rent a house for 1 month to experience life... because it seemed like he was asking me permission to let him go... but he still loves all of us and wants to be with us... and says he will still come over to help with the kids, school drop offs whatever...

I'm confused, hurt, reluctantly looking into this open r'ship crap as I have envisaged my life with only him... and everything I have been reading online leads to divorce. He is my best friend and like a sucker, I love him and would be willing to consider this... but am secretly hoping he will have a crappy 1 month and get out of his mind and then come back to us... I know I know this is me in denial...

Any advice??


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you dont want this lifestyle, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hell and misery.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> If you dont want this lifestyle, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hell and misery.


Yup. By not setting and enforcing boundaries now, you're giving him a green light to future indiscretions. And most likely, he'll continue to push and push until he either exhausts his fantasies or you stand up to him. But the damage to you and your relationship to you will be done already. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have given him permission to cheat on you. If you don't want him to cheat on you, tell him it's unacceptable. Then if he does it anyway divorce him.

There really are no other options here, unless you want to live the rest of your life sharing your husband with whomever strikes his fancy.

If you do decide to allow this, you'd better get yourself STD tested regularly.

Also think about the message this is sending to your children. They will grow up thinking what your husband is doing is perfectly acceptable, and carry that on into their own relationships.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Lizmum said:


> but he still loves all of us and wants to be with us...



He loves himself only. A man who loves you and his family wouldn't ask that of you.

I'd tell him he can have his month of doing whatever he likes, but that when he comes back his belongings will be boxed up waiting for him.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

Lizmum, I'm 36 and have been married to my wife for 14years and have been together for 19yrs. She is my first and only. I can tell you that I have never had a need to go experience someone else. It is BS excuse. 
I would tell him its you and only you and the one time he strays, you are done. Don't fall for his Bull Crap!


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Can't have it both ways... can't be a swinger and married, unless it's an agreement between both parties. Ha ha as a joke you could say, ok you go off for one month and go at it, then you come back and I'll do the same. Then we'll get tested for STDs... and won't have sex for at least 6 months to make sure that no one has been infected... See how he likes that. I'm kidding of course. 
Usually people want it one way for themselves but turn the tables on them and they are not quite so open or relaxed about things. 

I would tell him if he wants to leave that you will see this as a trial separation, and after a month you will meet and decide if you want to stay together. Maybe you will have met someone else and maybe not but either way, if he leaves he is walking out of the marriage. He has every right (as childish as it may seem) to want to go explore and you have every right to say yes or no as to whether you are ok with it. 

If you do decide you will let him do this, then if I were you, I'd make sure he knows that you will also be "exploring" while he is away and that you expect the same graciousness from him, ie you get a month to do whatever you'd like while he looks after the kids. (whether you do or not doesn't matter). Just plant that seed, so he knows the tables can turn both ways not just in his favor. You will get a better sense as to whether he is really "open".


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