# Should I separate if...?



## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

Dday was a little more than 1 month ago. WW has not been in contact with EA AP since. I'm 99.99% certain of this. 

We've been trying to work things out and for the most part things are going pretty well. We talk a lot. 

WW feels I abandoned the family and is to blame for why she had an EA. To summarize, I've been a commission sales person for 19 years and in 2008, the real estate market crash resulted in my income dropping about 75%. 

After recovering from a near nervous breakdown or whatever the hell it was...took about a year...I decided I needed to work harder and I did - and probably excessively. 

I was freeked out, stressed out, depressed, not sleeping, developed high blood pressure from sleep apnea and went on Aderall because I was diagnosed with ADD. 

So emotionally/mentally I was out in left field for about 2-3 years. 

I thought the best way to recover financially was to work harder and longer. The problem was I found it difficult communicating with my wife. In part because she was always yelling at me. I put my head down and plowed forward. I feel like I did the best I could considering the loss of income and my mental health or lack thereof. 

I've since found new employment in a job that provides a base salary and commission. I went off the aderal, got my sleep apnea under control, the high blood pressure has subsided and I'm feeling alltogether pretty well. Aside from the obvious issues I'm dealing with over the affair, I'm feeling back to normal. I am now totally re-engaged with my wife and kids. 

The next step is to start working out and losing the 40 lbs I gained during all of this. I've been sick with bronchitis so haven't been able to start this yet. 

On Dday I moved back in the house the same day (we had been separated for a few months). We still have not had sex and she cannot provide me any sense of when she might be able to get past her "anger and resentment." She feels we need to rebuild our relationship, which I agree.

Problem for me is this state of limbo. We hug and kiss and are otherwise affectionate, mostly. Lately, however when we get into discussions, she seems to be getting angrier because, I suspect, I'm not in total agreement with her. 

My point of view is I did the best I could considering. Her point of view is I should have listened to her and instead of trying to "chase a dream" I should have gotten three jobs. My point of view on getting three jobs is I was looking for jobs most of this time and I wasn't getting hired. I can't snap my fingers and a new job appears, much less three of them and if she's so angry about me abandoning my family - how exactly would I not be faulted for that if I was working 3 jobs since I'd be gone even more? 

So she's still angry and seems to be getting angrier the more we rehash the same crap. 

Ok - so I've got some fault here. She claims if I had communicated with her then all would be well but instead I shut her out - and it's true I did shut her out. I thought I could fix our financial mess fast enough to minimize the fallout. 

Part of the issue for me shutting her out was how she approached me, which was accusitory, blaming and hostile. I truly was doing everything in my power to repair our finances and simply did not have anything left to give to appease her. 

So because I have a part in this mess, I had proposed we not have sex until our 16th wedding anniversery on Feb 1st (Dday was Nov 9th) and use this time to rebuild our relationship. I recommended this for a few reasons. I thought this might make for a special anniversery and really just wanted to have a time limit set-up to avoid this dragging on indefinitely. I felt/feel this was a long enough period of time for her to work out her anger. 

The problem is now she seems resentful that I would put a time limit on it. 

Her feelings are that I was out in left field for 2 years, not communicating with her, working late into the night without calling her etc... and how dare I put a time limit on her getting over it. 

I didn't always communicate with her and I would work late into the night. Meanwhile she was at home crying herself to sleep not knowing what was going on. As far as she knows I could've been out cheating on her - which I wasn't - but trying to see things from her point of view. 

So here I am posting a little over a month after Dday trying to consider things from her side but also having a difficult time with her not wanting to "consummate" our reconcilliation.

My fear is Feb 1st will come and she still won't be ready and I know I'm not going to take that well AT ALL! So I guess I'm trying to be proactive by preparing for this.

If it happens where she is not ready - should I seek a separation? 

Or am I just being to pushy by wanting things to move in a designated time frame?

Am I off my rocker for giving her any time at all?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Her affair is on her. 

We the affair comes history rewriting, blame shifting and rationalization.

She has to truly be NC for a period of time. Something like two months of verifiable NC. ANY contact causes the clock to start over.

99% sure? That means you have a 50/50 chance of being right. How do you know?

Look you did what you needed to do for your family.
If you did not take care of business she may have run off with a guy who made more money. Yeah we all want balance in life but GMAFB.

IF you want to R then do not separate. That just gives her space to have this affair or the next one.

If you cannot live together and work on the marriage I suggest you file for divorce and go from their.

First off she may change her tune. But if not you know she is gone from the marriage anyway.

How much does your wife contribute to the family income?

Who is her affair partner? Where did she meet him? 

How long was the affair? What is the scope of the EA? Was their sexting and or photos? Did they meet each other? Are you sure it did not go PA?

Did you expose the affair?

What are you doing to monitor her?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok so you have multiple threads going on .... sigh

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62570-am-i-being-played.html

Yes you are being played. She is probably still in contact with him but for sure has not gone through withdrawal yet. Separation enables her affair.

If you want to live in an open marriage and fund her escapades then indeed separate.


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> 99% sure? That means you have a 50/50 chance of being right. How do you know?


I monitor our computers and her phone. She does not have a dedicated phone at work or a dedicated computer. We've spent nearly all of our time together since Dday except for when she's been working. 





Entropy3000 said:


> How much does your wife contribute to the family income??


She works in the school district full time with summers off. Although this past summer she worked summer school too. 



Entropy3000 said:


> Who is her affair partner? Where did she meet him??


She met him through a that she works with. They went to a bar for happy hour after work and the OM was there. My wife is a sign language interpreter and he has a deaf co-worker. According to her, the conversation started there and progressed. The friend doesn't know they continued talking. 




Entropy3000 said:


> How long was the affair? What is the scope of the EA? Was their sexting and or photos? Did they meet each other? Are you sure it did not go PA?


They met the first time and began talking on the phone. They met one other time probably a few weeks or a month later and they kissed. From there, according to WW she was too guilt ridden to continue anything physical but continued talking on the phone. In all, the EA lasted 1 year and 2 months. 



Entropy3000 said:


> Did you expose the affair?


I told one married couple who are our closest friends. I've not told anyone else about it. She has stated that "I can go ahead and tell everyone" if I want too but then when I told the couple she realized that maybe she doesn't want me to tell everyone. 



Entropy3000 said:


> What are you doing to monitor her?


Monitoring her phone calls. I keep a detailed log of all phone calls she makes and receives and if I'm unfamiliar with the number I look it up online or call the number. I have keyloggers on our two computers. Except for work, she really hasn't been anywhere without me since Dday.

One question I do have is whether I should expose the affair. Part of me wants too but the other part of me doesn't.


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> She is probably still in contact with him but for sure has not gone through withdrawal yet. Separation enables her affair.


How do you know she hasn't gone through withdrawal? What should I be watching for?

If I separate - it would not be before installing a VAR in her car and perhaps even under the deck. She stands in one spot on the deck while smoking and talking on the phone.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

samatedge said:


> How do you know she hasn't gone through withdrawal? What should I be watching for?
> 
> If I separate - it would not be before installing a VAR in her car and perhaps even under the deck. She stands in one spot on the deck while smoking and talking on the phone.


Way way too soon my friend. You are just now starting. This takes time. 

EAs are an addiction. IF she was in any contact at all with him that you are unaware, the clocks starts over.

But be that as it may. He actions indicate she is not ready. I stand by my statement that I believe you would not be working towards an R if you separate. 

Stop putting the blame on you. Indeed work on what you can but you are ot going to nice her into this. If you do you are letting manipulate you and that just feeds her lack of attraction for you.

Cut back you work hours, start enjoying life, get to the gym. be prepared to R or to lead a better life.

Your efforts have not been appreciated sir. When does she start meeting your needs? This is a two way street.

After she is done with withdrawal I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs together. For sure do the boundary setting.

It is one thing to fall into an EA and a completely different thing for her to search one out. If she was looking for an affair you make be beating the proverbial dead horse.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I heard my wife make the same excuses that I pushed her into the arms of another man. Excuses. I also heard the same complaints about wanting to set a schedule where she wanted open-ended -- which was really her way of trying to stall making the decision, not involve me in the decision.

It takes two people to make a relationship work but only one for it not to work. I think you are fair to set a deadline a few months out - not necessarily specifically for sex, but just as a point where you reassess the situation and expect to be shown you are loved and that she wants the relationship - and be clear on that point. If she doesn't like it I feel she continues to play you -- want the comfort of the marriage while continuing to play the field. Don't let her walk over you -- you made mistakes, I made mistakes in my relationship, but you didn't deserve the EA.

You might want to read more up on the divorce 180 though .. I think its very appropriate in your situation to let both of you see how the world would be on your own.. maybe it will clarify that despite your faults you also deserve better. Maybe she will also see what she's losing when you leave. Or maybe both will happen and you will both want to move on.


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

Thanks to all. Does anyone know if is a must to expose? What are the ramifications if I do or dont?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kronk (Dec 8, 2012)

Don't give her another second of your time or waste another second worrying about her, she cheated on you dude. Dump her azz and get yourself a new model. There are a hundred more lining up to take her place.


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

WW is going out with the girls tonight. I installed Lookout on my phone. Im going to place it in her car before she leaves so i can track her location. Also going to drive by to confirm if its the girls shes meeting with. Ill report back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

So I've been on WW to schedule MC...It's important to me that she makes the effort. I asked her if she has even made the call. She said "Yep...left a message the other day"...

Why she thinks she can lie to me about whether she made a phone call is beyong me...since she knows I'm watching the phone records...Normally I might consider this a little white lie...no big deal but given the cirumstances I'm realizing I'm now married to a pathelogical liar...

Should I even say anything to her? I'm trying to do 180 as best I can...I am not going to stop snooping though...I need to know what/who I'm dealing with...


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

So I put my cell phone in my wifes car with Lookout and PlanB installed on it. Lookout didn't work to track her whereabouts. I think its because of some conflicts with other apps on the phone. But PlanB did. She was where she said she would be the whole time...

When she got home we talked - basically rehashed everything. 

*Today she texted me as follows:*

"I am sorry for everything...I am sorry I can't give you what you need right now...I am trying to get thru this as are u...I think time will help, if we can get along thru it...I accept full responsibility for my part...it bothers me that u keep saying u had no control over ur situation...i don;t agree, but it is what it is...I am sad this is where our relationship has ended up...i never thought this is where we would be."

*My response to her:*

"I'm not saying I had no control. I know I made wrong decisions. The decisions I made were in response to and influenced by circumstances outside of my control and becasue of those circumstances it was difficult for me to realize how poor those decisions were. Metnal illness is called an illness for a reason. It distorts ones perception of reality and causes a person to see things differently than they really are. None of the decisions I made then would have happened had it not been for my loss of income, depression, difficulty finding a job. It was a perfect storm that caused fear, desperation, anxiety, depression and to question my value as a husband and a father...yes I wanted the marketing thing to work...but not for the reason you site (she thinks I was motivated to make a million bucks)...

*Next Text from me to her:*

"I wanted it to (the marketing thing) work becasue I loved it. I wanted it to work because I was desperate...I wanted it to work because I needed SOMETHING to work..."

*Next Text from me to her:*:

"I did not wake up one day and say "man, it sure would be nice if the real estate market crashed so I could experience a fun, healthy dose of depression and anxiety while watching my career and my family be destroyed in front of my eyes.

That time was a living HELL for both us. I'm in WORSE hell now! And frankly, I'm not sure how much more I can take... One way or the other, I'm going to be happy"

*End of texts * I haven't heard back from her yet - she's in class.

I had given her a timeline of Feb 1st to figure out what she wants to do. That's our 16th wedding anniversery.

I want to reiterate to her that feb 1st is the timeline I'm sticking too and if that day comes and she's not ready...I'm moving on...

Should I tell her that????


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

Apparently this text had an impact. Shes been crying all day and when we saw each other after work, she started crying and said "I want you to know, this isn't me" and asked me if I want to leave her or try to work it out. Ive been doing 180 for just a day or two and not perfectly. She also said reaffirmed that she wants to be together. We'll talk more once the kids go to bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samatedge (Dec 7, 2012)

Had an amazing Christmas. We've made so much progress in the last couple of weeks - much conversation, much crying, remorse etc... I'm happy to say that I am confident that ours will be one of the examples of true and long term reconciliation.


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