# I think I am ruining my own relationship



## Hopeful&Doubtful (Aug 24, 2008)

I have posted on the site several times, but I mostly read as I get great information from the postings. I think I may be inadvertently ruining my own relationship. Some history: My husband and I have been married for 16 years and together for 21 years. About 18 years ago my H cheated and had a child the same age as our oldest. I forgave him and we move on in our relationship. In 2008, my H left his phone in the bathroom, something in my gut said look at his texts (I have never check his phone before, or the phone bill) well he had a lot of texts from someone name “monster” so I wrote the number down but didn’t get time to read the text message because he came in looking for his phone. The following day I decided to look at the most recent phone bill to see if this number appeared. It was there, they had called each other over 300 times within a month with some calls lasting up to 2 hours at times. So I called the number and got the voice mail, the number belong to the mother of his child. I then begin checking the remainder of past phone bills to see how long this have been going on. It appears the calls started 6 months prior to me finding out; I could not check texts as our bill don’t track individual texts. As it turns out they had been talking to each other every day maybe 5 and six times a day. They would get on the phone at 1am and stay on until 4am. When I confronted him, he said he was talking to her to ask her to drop child support. He must thought I was stupid that he think I would believe that. I ask him to move out but he begged me to work on our marriage and so I agreed to try. Well I decided to take a deeper look at his phone bill and found out he was also on the phone with another one of his ex-girlfriends during the same timeframe. He would hang up with the baby mother and then get right on the phone with the ex girlfriend or vice versa. In all this I got very little explanation and then he started blaming me for cheating, which I have never done.

In the last 2-1/2 years this have been eating me alive, and it’s been festering to the point that it’s turning into hate. I truly can’t stand him, I hate to see him come and it irritates me if he touches me in a sexual manner. But for some reason a part of me don’t want to end the relationship. I don’t want to start over in another relationship because it all seems to be the same cycle and I don’t want to grow old alone.

I guess my questions are:
How do I let go of the hurt? 
How do I trust him although I know he is a compulsive liar? 
Why am I holding on to this for so long?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi "Hopefull", There shouldn't be a need to give up the relationship. His infidelity (even if it's an EA), is a sign of something that is wrong with your marriage. This will take counselling and work.

Regarding letting go of the hurt, I'm discovering that it could take 2 to 3 years to get over a betrayal. Time and good behavior will make it easier. This "compulsive lying" thing is not good. If he feels comfortable talking with you the way he would talk to his best buddy, then you'll get what you want. But he has to feel comfortable and this takes time. You'll need to learn to communicate w/out judging or criticizing him. Goodluck.


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## Hopeful&Doubtful (Aug 24, 2008)

Thanks workingitout

You hit on one of our biggest problem, we don’t really communicate and that is mostly my fault. He talks to me but I don’t say much back to him. One because I think everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and second I don’t say much because how I truly feel will come out and I don’t want to hurt his feelings and third if I don’t agree with his views or what he is saying it will become a heated conversation.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hopeful&Doubtful said:


> I guess my questions are:
> How do I let go of the hurt?
> How do I trust him although I know he is a compulsive liar?
> Why am I holding on to this for so long?


In 2008 you caught him talking to the "baby's mama" (who's now an 18yo "baby" but you know what I mean) 300 times in one month, and in addition to all that time, texting her as well. As if that weren't enough, after talking to "baby's mama" for hours, he would call another ex-girlfriend and talk to her! So it would appear he made time to talk to other women about 4-5 hours a day? That means he has 4-5 hours he COULD have been talking with you, making your relationship stronger and more loving, and instead he made the choice to turn to others. 

Not only that, but when you talk to him about it, he blames you (in other words, doesn't take personal responsibility) AND this has continued for 2 1/2 years. Have I got the facts straight? 

If so, you ask: *"How do I let go of the hurt?"*
You let go of the hurt when he stops calling other women and turns to YOU and makes your relationship better and helps you heal from his betrayal 
-OR-
You let go of the hurt when you decide you are worth more than his crumbs and kick him out, and since you want to move on with your life rather than mourn the past, you decide to let go and look to the future. 

You ask: *"How do I trust him although I know he is a compulsive liar? "*
You don't. Well to be precise you trust him now you know. You trust him to LIE. What you want is to learn to trust in his honesty! But you can not learn to trust in his honesty if he is untrustworthy and dishonest...and refuses to change. Sooooo...

You learn to trust him when he stops being untrustworthy, begins being transparent, and his words and actions match 
-OR-
You learn to stop trying to trust a man who has demonstrated unwillingness to stop lying and has demonstrated time and again that he's untrustworthy and will continue to hide things from you!

Finally, you ask: *"Why am I holding on to this for so long?"*
My guess would be fear. Fear of supporting yourself. Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over. Fear that you're not worth better. Fear of the unknown --yes the "known" may be tolerating adultery but at least you know what to expect! I would recommend that rather than living in fear, you look for some individual counseling and maybe a women's self-esteem support group (aka "Friends").


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hopeful and Doubtful:

All the emotions you are going through seem normal reactions to your situation (I'm no therapist, though, but from what I read on this site it seems textbook, and going through my own experience). After two months of the FOG in my wife, I couldn't take it any more and forced a separation. I sure as H*LL didn't want any crumbs from my wife while she gave all the best parts of her to someone else, and I wasn't going to stay in that toxic lifestyle because it was killing me inside. And, I also HATED her during that time, in that she could lie right to my face after I had all the evidence, how she blamed me for EVERYTHING that was wrong with the marriage, the gaslighting (that my suspicions of her affair were somehow due to my insecurities) and that her heart was always with someone else (her OM). "Ok! Sure! I get it! Now leave!" was my response.

Now, in my situation, I started talking about divorce right after the separation. I focused on my life and found my confidence back (and my furniture!). About two months later, my DS came back to me. I think everything is going well right now, but only time will tell. I don't have hate anymore, and I found forgiveness in me, but I do have some serious trust issues: Is she telling the truth, is she commited to me, is the affair still going on? I think this will go on in my head for a long time...

With me, talking is key. Every time I have a question about the marriage or the affair, I'll just go ahead and ask. Asking and knowing, even if I don't like the response and makes my stomach hurt just like it did in the EA FOG my wife was in, that seems worse than just talking about it, because my imagination is a thousand times worse than the words coming out of my Wifes mouth when she shares her response to my questions.


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## Hopeful&Doubtful (Aug 24, 2008)

Thank AffairCare.
You have most of the facts correct, except for he don’t talk with them as far as I know. I turn his phone line off as I wasn’t going to pay a phone bill for him to talk with other females.
My biggest problem with letting go is hard to explain but I equate it to apologizing to a burglar for breaking into your home. He made the choice to have an EA if that is all it was, but then I have to take the steps to fix it. I feel like where is his punishment in all this. 
At this point he is just not trustworthy he lie about stupid stuff. Just recently, I ask him not to put premium channels on our cable because it is too expensive. When I notice a premium channel was added he told me the cable company was running a special and it was free. I confronted him with the bill and he said I ask a stupid question so I got a stupid reply and I set him up because I knew it wasn’t free.

Your guess is right, I am a bit fearful to move on. My entire adult life have been spent with the same person since I was17 years old. The whole thought of being single at 40 scares the living hell out of me.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Experts will tell you that the old "an affair indicates something is wrong with the marriage": myth is just that...don;t let that be a crutch. Your husband is looking outside your marriage and he is not being honest with you. Your biggest problem is his unwillingness to be honest with you and work out conflicts, thus the conflict continues and your frustration grows with his dismissal of your feelings and disrespect, in general.

As always, I point to the resources offered by extramarital affairs expert Peggy Vaughan at DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center. Here you will find wise counsel and invaluable advice.

Best,

Lyn


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

He is who he is.
I go through days/moments feeling the hatred. But for now, things are good. I think the biggest help for me in the end, was allowing myself to feel that our marriage is on a month to month lease. Might be in it forever, or it might be over tomorrow. It could honestly go either way. I never thought like that before. So, rather then think about what it would be like without him, I think that I might be here with out him. I prepare myself for it however I have to. 
Rather then worry, and force a decision, you could give yourself permission to not have to make a decision. Appreciate the good. Acknowledge the bad. That's it. Don't move on, as in ignore what has happened. But free yourself from having to make a decision. When a decision is made, you'll know.


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