# Porn in marriage



## Lauren123 (Sep 16, 2017)

Do all men watch porn? Feeling pretty low and inadequate after finding a secret app on my husband’s phone (again) that he uses solely to watch porn. I don’t know if I’m overly sensitive..or old fashioned…or what is “normal” these days? We’ve only been married 9 months and I literally make myself sexually available to him at any time. Not only does it really hurt my feelings- it completely rips at my self esteem. Anyone have any experience with this?


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

I think it goes two ways. Some people are ok with it and some are not. Personally I don't care. As long as he is still having sex with me when I want to have sex and not turning to videos instead of me I don't mind. Sometimes I mess around with myself as well. We aren't religious though so I know that can play a factor. I'm not sure if you feel comfortable doing it but my husband and I made a short video which he thought was the coolest thing since sliced bread and he now uses that instead.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Not all men watch porn. My guess is that most men have seen it sometime in their lives, though. Many of us choose to not watch porn because of the effect it would have upon our wives, just exactly the one you describe. It has the same effect as if we committed physical adultery.

Your husband may not know or realize the effect his porn use has on you. It is somewhat condoned by society-at-large and I think some men have probably not thought their way through on it in light of harm to their wives. They may have rationalized that it's "okay to look, but not to touch". 

I do want to tell you, though, that your husband's porn habit probably has nothing to do with you at all. Porn is attractive to men mostly because in the depicted scenarios, the women "want" the man. It's not because the women are more attractive, more well-endowed, experienced, etc. It's a fantasy. Pretty much like Superman. Except that no one actually believes in Superman, they don't try to put on a red cape and jump out a 13th story window.

Porn's insidious effect is that some people actually believe that sexuality is "that way", the way it's depicted in porn. If this is the case, it can be very destructive to marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maybe just ask him why he watches it? It might be just to escape into a fantasy, but if it's upsetting you, then you guys should address it together. I don't think that men watch porn because they don't love their spouses, or find their spouses inadequate, but it's more of a fantasy like anything else. I like erotica stuff to read, and I share it with my husband. If my husband were to be sneaking off to watch porn, and then he didn't want to have sex with me, that would be an issue. But, we are all different, if you really feel like it's negatively affecting you, then don't be afraid to bring it up and discuss it with him. 

Anything can become addiction though, there are women who get addicted to watching porn, too. It's not just a guy thing. Your husband sounds like he views it as a fantasy/escape thing, if you both are having good sex despite it. But, not all men watch porn, so there's that, too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This is really something that should be discussed and figured out compatibility on before marriage. 

Do all men watch porn? No. 

It also doesn't say anything about your attractiveness. 

Typically it's just a quick, easy release sort of thing but a lot depends on what he is watching which may give you some insight on things he's wanting to try.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

This is why I believe that communication is so important in relationships. It should be discussed at the outset whether or not one partner considers porn as damaging or not. Does your husband know that him watching porn would have this effect on you? Tell him. A lot of men have a nonchalant attitude towards porn. I did when I was in my 20's until I had a girlfriend who absolutely freaked out when she found out that I had watched some. She considered it cheating. I had no idea that she thought of it that way. Needless to say, I stopped and apologized profusely. If I had known beforehand, I would not have watched it out of respect for her. Talk to your husband candidly about it. If he really loves you, he will put your feelings first. If he continues to watch it, then you have a problem.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I didn't realize you had 2 threads going on the same thing, I commented on your other one.


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## Lauren123 (Sep 16, 2017)

I think what hurts/confuses me the most is that I have always made myself completely sexually available to him- I enjoy sex and trying new things (making videos together included) and do all I can (without getting graphic) to accommodate him. 

I used to watch porn myself pretty regularly so I haven't always had such a negative/uptight mindset about it. My husband told me about a year ago that he had become addicted to it...he also started using sites like Backpage (prostitution) when run of the mill porn got boring. I found that to be very alarming. His work schedule allowed him a lot more free time and he'd be by himself for 2-6 hours each evening before I came home from work. He told me he'd masturbate a few times before I got home- which put our personal sex life on the decline.

Now porn just makes me angry. Husband saw a therapist a few times and things were going really well so he stopped after a while. I don't mind him watching porn if I am unavailable to him. But the other night he chose to watch porn and then wake me up and, basically, just use me as a hole. The next morning, after thinking his behavior was a little random- I checked his phone and discovered the hidden app again.

I've asked him a million times to be honest and open about his porn use- and he was for a while. The honesty made me feel 100 times better. Now I just feel betrayed and at a loss for what to do. He doesn't think he needs therapy again and...well, I can't make him go. 

Like I said- watching porn when I'm unavailable is okay with me- choosing to stay up late on his own and then wake me up when he's "ready" is not. Getting a password protected app and hiding it is not. Backpage, or any other prostitution related material, is not. 

Frankly, I'm scared where this could be headed. And then the other side of me wonders if I'm just overreacting. In limbo right now deciding what to do..really appreciate all the feedback I've been getting. It's nice to hear other experiences/opinions.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ok no no no. No backpage. No hookers. This is not safe for you. He will continue to "up the game" as soon as one starts getting boring. 

You have to put your foot down. Back to sex addiction therapy or you leave.


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## Lauren123 (Sep 16, 2017)

I'm new to this, wasn't sure where to put the post. Thanks for responding.


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## Lauren123 (Sep 16, 2017)

Thanks SlowlyGoingCrazy- that's kind of what I'm thinking too.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

No not all men use porn. Yours sounds definitely too much porn.


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## RebelliousRed (Sep 15, 2017)

Um big no to the Backdoor website and basically waking you up after he watched it. I get it if you were watching it together but watching it alone and then waking you up is just weird. Have you expressed your concerns? Explained that before when we was honest about it you felt better and that communication about it has been lacking and you don't feel secure. That when he hides one thing it makes you wonder what else he is hiding. Also, I would inform him that if you ever find Backdoor or anything else on his phone or computer or whatever again you will leave. Make him understand how serious it is.


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## BP84 (Jul 21, 2015)

I?m recently divorced and watched porn in our marriage. My wife never knew and would?ve considered it cheating but like someone else said above, I really was/addicted to the fantasy of the woman?s sexual confidence and desire for the man. I know I never felt great about it afterwards but I sort of used it as an emotional release in a marriage that lacked sexual creativity and intimate interaction in general. 

I would try and up your appearance of sexual confidence if you are merely a willing participant. However, I have no idea what Backdoor is but damn that?s too far.



Lauren123 said:


> I think what hurts/confuses me the most is that I have always made myself completely sexually available to him- I enjoy sex and trying new things (making videos together included) and do all I can (without getting graphic) to accommodate him.
> 
> I used to watch porn myself pretty regularly so I haven't always had such a negative/uptight mindset about it. My husband told me about a year ago that he had become addicted to it...he also started using sites like Backpage (prostitution) when run of the mill porn got boring. I found that to be very alarming. His work schedule allowed him a lot more free time and he'd be by himself for 2-6 hours each evening before I came home from work. He told me he'd masturbate a few times before I got home- which put our personal sex life on the decline.
> 
> ...


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

I can't say I haven't used porn, because I most certainly have. It was an easy fix for a lack of a physical relationship with my wife for the many years we were boarderline sex less. The porn was used strictly as a release, nothing more.

The backpage crap is a huge red flag. It's ultimatum time, like yesterday. This has to stop, NOW! If he's using backpage, he is cheating, full stop!


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> OP,
> 
> I can't say I haven't used porn, because I most certainly have. It was an easy fix for a lack of a physical relationship with my wife for the many years we were boarderline sex less. The porn was used strictly as a release, nothing more.
> 
> The backpage crap is a huge red flag. It's ultimatum time, like yesterday. This has to stop, NOW! If he's using backpage, he is cheating, full stop!


 someone plz explain what is backpage right away!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its a hookup site. Eg, not porn, but a place to arrange to meet actual women (not sure if for random hookups or for prostitution). 



Bianca Stella said:


> someone plz explain what is backpage right away!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that there is a huge difference between watching porn when your partner isn't available and watching instead of spending time with them. Note - by "available", I don't mean that second, but in general, say that day. 

So if you turn your partner down for sex that evening, I have no problem with them watching porn. But if you are available that evening, they shouldn't watch, unless they watch with yo as something you enjoy together as part of sex play.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Bianca Stella said:


> someone plz explain what is backpage right away!


To my understanding it's basically Craigslist for prostitution. I have never used it nor looked at it. I am just going what I have heard people talk about.


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> Bianca Stella said:
> 
> 
> > someone plz explain what is backpage right away!
> ...


 oh OK! Never heard of it until this thread. Whn people say dark web porn, does anyome know what it means?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Bianca Stella said:


> oh OK! Never heard of it until this thread. Whn people say dark web porn, does anyome know what it means?


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> Bianca Stella said:
> 
> 
> > oh OK! Never heard of it until this thread. Whn people say dark web porn, does anyome know what it means?


 no clue about what you're trying to say... ??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bianca Stella said:


> no clue about what you're trying to say... ??




He’s saying it’s illegal like child porn. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think the "dark web" is the part of the web that is not searchable by standard search engines. Things only accessible through encrypted channels like Tor. 

The "dark web" supposedly contains a lot of illegal activity like drug sales. There are rumors of hired killers and child porn, but it difficult to know how real those are. There are occasionally large arrests of child porn trading rings - but the news rarely covers whether or not the arrested people are actually convicted.

There may be other dark web porn. I'm willing to be that there are "dark web" sites that have completely normal porn but the idea that it is "forbidden" is appealing to some. 

I've never tried to access the "dark web" and have no interest in doing so. I suspect a lot of it is government honey traps anyway. 




Bianca Stella said:


> oh OK! Never heard of it until this thread. Whn people say dark web porn, does anyome know what it means?


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## White Oleander (Sep 28, 2017)

I think all men watch porn. I do agree with the rest of the group saying that most men are not tactful about it. I think they only realize it might be a problem after they enter a very intimate relationship or move in with someone for the first time. My advice would be the same, to adress the issue. But your situation is a little more advanced from what i read on your second post... A family member of mine had porn issues. It started with watching a few videos and ended up almost destroying the marriage and leaving a divorced wife with two kids. Apparently you get addicted and bored and want more out of porn. So, the guy i am talking about starting sexting and entering porn sites including live cyber sex with other partners outside the marriage. He was raised a christian and he refused everything out of guilt when he got caught, so being raised a christian doesnt help much guys. Everyone watches porn. they thing is how much you control what you watch. Your spouse is not in control....he is escallating. I' no expert, so you could visit an expert and ask for advice on how to adress the issue and what steps to take. Or if you feel certain about which way to handle the situation, maybe adrees the issue and propose therapy for the couple or for him. One thing is for certain....unless he is stopped it is going to get worse. :/


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

White Oleander said:


> I think all men watch porn. I do agree with the rest of the group saying that most men are not tactful about it. I think they only realize it might be a problem after they enter a very intimate relationship or move in with someone for the first time. My advice would be the same, to adress the issue. But your situation is a little more advanced from what i read on your second post... A family member of mine had porn issues. It started with watching a few videos and ended up almost destroying the marriage and leaving a divorced wife with two kids. Apparently you get addicted and bored and want more out of porn. So, the guy i am talking about starting sexting and entering porn sites including live cyber sex with other partners outside the marriage. He was raised a christian and he refused everything out of guilt when he got caught, so being raised a christian doesnt help much guys. Everyone watches porn. they thing is how much you control what you watch. Your spouse is not in control....he is escallating. I' no expert, so you could visit an expert and ask for advice on how to adress the issue and what steps to take. Or if you feel certain about which way to handle the situation, maybe adrees the issue and propose therapy for the couple or for him. One thing is for certain....unless he is stopped it is going to get worse. :/


 One of the main problems is the secrecy. The fact that keeping a "porn" addiction as a secret, spills into everything else. It becomes a layer cake, secret after secret after secret, also the amount and intensity of it generally increases because the addict needs more to get a fix. My husband had this problem whn he worked part time now he doesn't have the time lol. But I'm always talking about sex and bjs with him and he loves it. I have a bit of PTSD after he confessed masturbating to 3 of his coworkers (I still think about it every day, at least once). I forgave him because I had done a few things myself but nothing major. So... my advice is this: see how much you can tolerate and keep it interesting in the bedroom, ERPs, toys, oils, etc... there are 2 types of men: those who watch porn and those who will watch porn.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Houston we got a problem, and it started with porn.


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

Porn often kills true passion within a marriage, and the highs it can generate are never sustainable. Porn watching is a symptom of trouble. It can desensitize one from getting an erection or wet *****. It is indicative to being bored with their mate. Porn is a form of cheating as well.


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

White Oleander said:


> I think all men watch porn. I do agree with the rest of the group saying that most men are not tactful about it. I think they only realize it might be a problem after they enter a very intimate relationship or move in with someone for the first time. My advice would be the same, to adress the issue. But your situation is a little more advanced from what i read on your second post... A family member of mine had porn issues. It started with watching a few videos and ended up almost destroying the marriage and leaving a divorced wife with two kids. Apparently you get addicted and bored and want more out of porn. So, the guy i am talking about starting sexting and entering porn sites including live cyber sex with other partners outside the marriage. He was raised a christian and he refused everything out of guilt when he got caught, so being raised a christian doesnt help much guys. Everyone watches porn. they thing is how much you control what you watch. Your spouse is not in control....he is escallating. I' no expert, so you could visit an expert and ask for advice on how to adress the issue and what steps to take. Or if you feel certain about which way to handle the situation, maybe adrees the issue and propose therapy for the couple or for him. One thing is for certain....unless he is stopped it is going to get worse. :/


Not everyone watches porn.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

TomatoPaste said:


> Porn often kills true passion within a marriage, and the highs it can generate are never sustainable. Porn watching is a symptom of trouble. It can desensitize one from getting an erection or wet *****. It is indicative to being bored with their mate. Porn is a form of cheating as well.


What trouble? My wife and I who have been married for 18+ years, and have viewed pornography (film, still photography and drawn varieties) at different times throughout our 21+ year highly sexual relationship. Yet we're happy being together and get on very well.

I am not sure what the highs you mention are, though it can be fun I can't ever recall feeling any sense of euphoria from viewing pornography. As to sustaining this mysterious high you claim, viewing more pornography would address sustainability.

Pornography viewing is a symptom of a desire to view pornography, it might also be a symptom of other trouble yet that is not true at all in many instances. As to desensitisation, thus far I haven't experienced it and haven't experienced erection problems either. Of course your mileage may vary?

When one is in a sexual relationship with only one partner for a long time, it is perfectly natural to sometimes find the sex one shares to be boring. Which is why it is a good idea to do what my wife and I do to keep our sex life fresh and fun. So we mix up what we do, change what we do and where we do it, we also sometimes view pornography and occasionally see things that we both want to try and do exactly that. While we also sometimes make our own pornography (mostly still pictures and some film) as well.

I can see how some people who worry about what people think regardless of their actions, might think pornography is cheating. Yet being someone who isn't like that and being married to someone who is the same, viewing pornography isn't cheating at all.

Like other forms of entertainment, viewing pornography can be lots of fun.


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

I watch porn probably 5 out of 7 days a week. It has no impact on how beautiful and attractive I find my wife. It does not give me an unrealistic view of how women are supposed to look. I also have a full comprehension of the fact that REAL sex is nothing like porn sex, which is mostly done as a performance for the cameras, with a director yelling at them the whole time.

My wife has no issue with my porn watching, though she herself finds it disgusting. She has a low sex drive, I have a high sex drive, and if I did not masturbate and only had my release during intercourse (once a week usually), I'd go crazy. If she told me she had a problem with me watching porn, I would just have to get more secretive about my hobby.


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## Yvophi (Oct 4, 2017)

Porn distorts how sex should be in a marriage, so no, this is not normal. I've had to compete with the images my husband had when he watched porn and trust me you never win. I was unable to live up to those images. He will need counseling to help him get off porn because it is like any other adiction that starts off small. I contribute the rise in sex trafficking, assault, rape, and child molestation on porn. Porn is an addiction and will cloud your mind to want more.


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