# I told him I wanted a divorce, he says I'm on drugs



## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

I told my H that I wanted a divorce tonight. I'm fond of him and I like him (generally) but I no longer want to be intimate with him or responsible for his happiness. We've been building up to it and he was incredulous. As in, "What's happened to you? You're not the person I married! The old [you] would never destroy her family!" And then he accused me of being on drugs. I'm on 10 mg of citalopram, it's an antidepressant but nothing too major, and it's NOT a high dosage.

Then he said he would fight a divorce tooth and nail. He is already sleeping upstairs and I had told him in a previous talk I would no longer have sex with him. His plan, such as it is, is to remain married (yet celibate) and keep one home for the kids but I can do whatever I want. He strongly feels that splitting the kids between us will f*** them up.

He also said he wasn't giving up his security and that there was no way he was going to go back 15 years to being single and an apartment. That financially we're doing so much better than we ever have, and he just can't believe that I want to "destroy it."

I'm really hoping that the "tooth and nail" is shock, because I am getting a divorce whichever way, though I can give him some time to get used to the idea. I could see us living in the same house for awhile afterwards, but I want to be separate from him. Any advice on the best way to handle this? I really wasn't expecting that as his answer, I thought he would call me a bunch of names.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

My guess would also be shock. I would do what you need to do and make your own plans. I don't think you can or should plan on him accepting the idea right away, give him some time to process it. Good luck to you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

And exactly which part of your marriage vows are you honoring here?

What is it you're so proud of about wanting a divorce from the person you are expected (by your own choice) to stay committed to?

What have you done in your life to deflect the resentments you have developed towards your life partner? 

Not judging you yet, but then again, you haven't provided much to gain my support either.

About your husband's reaction: It's completely normal and understandable. Why are you expecting a different outcome?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home? If so, do you make enough to support yourself?
How long have you been on the antidepressant?
Do I understand you correctly? You want for you to take half of your children and you want to take half of them? How many children do you have?
Is that what you want? I think it a very bad plan. Divorce is devastating for children. The children are going to lose a home in which they see both their parents every day. Splitting them up will mean that they are not just losing a parent.


Your husband's reaction is pretty normal. You want a divorce. He does not. He does not have to agree with anything you want. That's part of divorce. You will both have different ideas of what you want and you will have to negotiate. 

Your husband has a point. A divorce will destory everything you both have worked towards. Divorces do not solve problems.. you will still have most of the old problems and who lot of new problems. Your lifestyle will be half or less of what it is now. He does not want that. Maybe he still loves you and is willing to fight for you.

I’m not sure what you mean by “the best way to handle this”. What is “this”? Filing for divorce? The children? You getting away from him? You both living in the same house through your divorce and afterwards?

Please be more specific.


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

Sorry, here is more history. We have been married 13 years, two children. We always had problems in the bedroom, but I ignored them until halfway through our marriage I got pregnant. After the birth of the first child, I suffered from post-partum depression and a really bad situation at work. I had random dizzy spells and terrible pain healing for months afterwards. And where was my husband? Griping about sex. We had been about 2x a week before (which he thought was way too little), with kids it went down to 1x a week. And he went crazy. As in he stopped washing, stopped brushing his teeth, etc., and came home one day proclaiming that a $5,000 sex doll customized to his specifications would solve our sex problems. We were in the hole every month and only due to my savings were making it through our monthly bills. He threatened to have affairs, threatened to leave—me and my baby! He got pissy at her too, because she preferred me. When he’d pick her up, she’d cry and then he would stop talking to her or ignore her as punishment—she was just a child.

I knew I was depressed, and I sought treatment. I got on antidepressants and went to IC. I also knew he was depressed, but for a long time he refused any kind of treatment. Said drugs would change who he was, and he didn’t believe in therapy, and anyways, the problem was me. I could make him happy, all I had to do was have sex 3-4 times a week (we were never at that level, I might add). Our problems were my fault, because I didn’t love him enough. I finally kicked him out and told him I didn’t want him back until he went to a doctor. He was only gone one night and went to the appt (that I made for him).

After he was on anti-depressants he agreed that it was much better. But then he said he just wanted me to get pregnant and he would stay at home with the kids. He didn’t want to work. I refused—he didn’t make much money, but it made a difference. We were barely making it, we needed both incomes. But he still got himself fired from his job, I don’t know what that was about. I found a helped wanted ad that described his dream job but he was upset because he thought it would be perfect to take some time off. (Also, pre-kids he had had a mental breakdown and left his job for a year to get his s*** together. I had supported him financially and there was no way I wanted to do that again!) He did get the job, with me and his mother coaxing him to apply and go to the interview. 

He still hates working, often he has gone to 32 hours a week because 40 is “too stressful.” He is too tired often to do much. So I will cook, clean up dishes afterwards, help kids w/ homework, get them to bed, clean catboxes and be exhausted. And he will be waiting in bed for me, because then he has energy for sex. But I have to initiate it, because he’s no rapist and he wants to be sure that I want it. After all, I married him—I am responsible for his happiness. Then if I don’t initiate sex, he is grumpy and aloof for days until I finally give in. And if it gets to be about 3-4 days inbetween, that when the talk of affairs or hookers start up. All of which I could prevent if only I cared, if only I loved him more.

I have dreamed of going to Japan, and he says he would of course visit a brothel because it is his dream to bang a hot Japanese chick. When I bring up these issues, and how hurt I am about talks of affairs/hookers he says I’m being too serious, it was all a joke, and why am I so negative and hanging on to all this resentment. He doesn’t beat me or rape me like some men, I’m all crazy in the head to not realize that he is a really good man. He gives me crap when I go out with friends for abandoning him and for my job that has business trips about 6x a year. Now he even gives me crap for my one weekly kickboxing class. After all, why do I have to go out? I could just exercise at home. He would prefer that I spend all my time with him. 

So now, FINALLY he has agreed to MC and guess what? Too little, too late for me. I would rather be alone. I would rather be poor. I make more than he does so he would get child support and possibly spousal support. I accept this. He broke my heart years ago and I find myself wishing I were dead. No. No more. 

PS I wouldn't split the kids from each other, I meant 50-50 placement. He is a decent dad. If we sold the house, we could get two apartments--but it would be hard.


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