# We finally go to dinner after 2 weeks, I find this piece of paper...



## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Dinner didn't turn out so well. The food was great, but I became a bit argumentative and combative. While she was still downstairs, I noticed a few pieces of paper sticking outside of her purse. So I read them. One was a letter from the OM of the EA, saying what he thinks of what love is... blah blah blah, I don't give a crap about that.

Another was a drawing of a heart, and said "Muah!". Really? From a 50yr old? Whatever.

The last one is what caught my attention. It was from my wife. There were two sides to it. One with the OM's name on it, the other side had my name on it. On the OM's side, there was a list of Pros/Cons on it. Quite a bit of Cons on it, to tell you the truth. Some thoughts about him having a relationship with 2 women concurrently, about having a long distance girlfriend that he may or may not still be seeing, and how he treats women with no respect. As for the Pros - well... he treats his kids well, he treats her well. On the other side, there were only a few Cons about me - it was definitely incomplete as she only labeled me as selfish and thoughtless. no pros on me.

How should I be taking this? On one side, I don't feel like I deserve to be compared like this. But it's not me whose doing the comparing. On the other side, I feel like there are some serious cracks on the armor of this "shining knight" and maybe the fog is starting to dissipate. 

What say you, TAM? Oh, and do I tell the wife that I found this peace of paper?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I would! After all, what harm can there be in trying to clear the air? If it's resolvable in your heart, then you can move toward R. And if you can't get the air cleared, then you can always move toward D. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained!


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Based on what everyone has told me, and what I honestly believe now...

If she is doing pro\con lists and comparing then she is nowhere near where she needs to be to come back to you. My personal stance at this point is that until she comes back and says, "I want you back and will do whatever it takes for how ever long it takes" I will not believe that she is really ready.

I wouldn't mention the list. Snooping is a total turn off and she may just think you're pathetic. My stbxw left crap like you talk about around and when I would see it I was devastated. What the hell is the point if she is still weighing her options?

Hope I don't sound harsh here. I am no expert as my stbxw is gone and yo yos me all the time. I'm just starting to see it all for what it really is.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> no pros on me.
> 
> How should I be taking this? On one side, I don't feel like I deserve to be compared like this.


It's not a matter of what you don't deserve, it's all about how you allow yourself to be mistreated by another person.

You are leaving your fate entirely in the hands of a woman who lists your faults on one side of a piece of paper, with nothing positive at all, the other side listing things about the guy who may soon be your replacement. His only "cons" being that she isn't sure she's the only one vying for his attentions.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Finish the list for her. The last line should say "and f*ck you!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya tell your wife about what you found, and tell her there is one pro she forgot to mention, "I'm not tolorating your crap and you can pack your sh!t up and leave" also add that comparing me to her fantsyland is BS and ask her if she needs help packing.

Or you can ask her what you can do for her to get more items in the pro's column.

She's fittness testing you and let me tell you if she can hide an affair she sure as hell can hide a few pieces of paper, don't fall for it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd tell her you found it and tell her you have one pro that she missed about you...

You have too much self respect to put up with being cheated on or trying to compete for the affections of a woman who not only would willingly cheat, but cheat with a scumbag. So no decision needed on her part, she's free to go, you are done with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

the guy said:


> Ya tell your wife about what you found, and tell her there is one pro she forgot to mention, "I'm not tolorating your crap and you can pack your sh!t up and leave" also add that comparing me to her fantsyland is BS and ask her if she needs help packing.
> 
> Or you can ask her what you can do for her to get more items in the pro's column.
> 
> She's fittness testing you and let me tell you if she can hide an affair she sure as hell can hide a few pieces of paper, don't fall for it.


Guy is right, she left that for you to find, she's testing you or trying to make a halfassed point. Tell her to go piss up a rope.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree with the others. Tell her another con for the OM is that he is willing to share her. A pro in your favor is that you have self respect and when you commit to a woman you demand that same commitment back in return.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

DID she leave this out for you to find? Probably (whether consciously or sub-consciously).

You have not said how YOU feel about staying in the marraige vs. separating.

If you want to stay in the marriage, confront her on it, tell her it ends NOW. She must make a phone call, text whatever in YOUR presence ending it. She must agree to MC with you immediately. She must live with total transparency. If she agrees, great. If she doesn't, you have your answer.

If you want to separate, confront her on it, tell her you are separating NOW. Decide which of you is leaving and which of you is staying. YOU get into IC immediately. With the direction and introspection IC will bring, you will be in a better position to make positive moves in whatever direction you want.

Good luck and keep us posted!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You could also make your own list (with only her name on it), and list her pros and cons. 'Unfaithful' should be Cons numbers 1 through 3, at least. Leave it where she can conveniently 'find' it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> You could also make your own list (with only her name on it), and list her pros and cons. 'Unfaithful' should be Cons numbers 1 through 3, at least. Leave it where she can conveniently 'find' it.


Bandit.45 like!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> DID she leave this out for you to find? Probably (whether consciously or sub-consciously).
> 
> You have not said how YOU feel about staying in the marraige vs. separating.
> 
> ...


I've already been separated from her for two weeks, I moved out. I am filing for divorce. But don't get me wrong, I want us to work things out. But if I don't file, we stay in this stupid holding pattern that will just wreck me, and I don't deserve that.

However, I am of the belief that she is still in the Emotional Fog. From reading TAM, it's obvious that I can't be the one who gets her out of the Fog; she's the only one that can. So I'll leave it be and not mention the note. Let her sort out her own stupid crap. I'm going to do my own thing. And right now, my own thing is to do some self-healing, and have a plan for MY future. The 2+ weeks that I've been gone allowed me to reflect quite a bit on the past and the situation at hand. I've still quite a bit of work to do, but I'm not going to let the past affect me anymore. It's time to more forward. 

The only way I start to forgive her (and I told her it's a BIG if at this point) is if she ends things with the OM. And I know that this EA won't last. This guy already has too many holes in his personality. If she comes around, then only at that point will I start to consider forgiving.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One of the things you should also have learned from TAM is to stand up for yourself and not accept her playing games.

Moving out - but leaving her to continue explore the path without calling her on it - isn't dealing with it, it's just ignoring it and hoping for the best.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> One of the things you should also have learned from TAM is to stand up for yourself and not accept her playing games.
> 
> Moving out - but leaving her to continue explore the path without calling her on it - isn't dealing with it, it's just ignoring it and hoping for the best.


I should also say that she's the one who wants the divorce, not me. I don't want all of this - I want to work things out but I have to draw a line somewhere. I'm just not sure where the line should be, exactly. I guess that's why I'm here.

I did call her out on it. If she's unwilling to budge on it, then there's not a whole lot that I can do. If I constantly pressure her about it, it then it pushes her away even further. That's why I moved out, because I was unwilling to deal with the mess that she made. How is that ignoring it? I'm trying to implement a 180 here, but it's not as easy to actually do it as it is to read it.


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## LostButReadyToBeFound (Apr 16, 2012)

I've only done the 180 for a day now and am struggling with it... Definitely easier to read than implement.


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