# I want kids, he doesn't...



## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for six years, and married for five. He has a child from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own. Everytime I bring up having kids my husband freaks out and uses the "we aren't ready financially" excuse. He always says "in a year or two", and he's been saying that for literally about five years now, when I think we'd be fine financially, and that is not the issue. 

I have wanted kids for a long time, but have started mentioning it more seriously over the past two years. I'm very close to my Stepdaughter, and can't bare the thought of not having her in my life, but my husband and I don't seem to see eye-to-eye anymore. I ask him to do a few things around the house regularly, and he can never seem to handle it. He doesn't seem to want to see his daughter more than once a month, and that bothers me. I don't know why he wouldn't want her to live with us all the time, let alone half the time - but he only seems to try and fix that once I get on his case. We live about 3 hours away from his ex, and meet halfway every 3 weeks to pick up his child.

I'm tired of wanting him to be a better father, and seeing his child more. I'm tired of having to ask him repeatedly to do things around the house, and I'm tired of him getting angry so easily when I have to ask him for the billionth time. I'm tired of him playing stupid ass video games when he's almost 30 years old, but I know everyone has their hobbies. However, why is it that my husband is playing video games, or trying to join a local band, when he should be trying to better his relationship with his child, and maybe also be planning a future for our children? Or at least begin to desire to have them?! 

I feel like I resent him a lot. I'm not really attracted to him anymore, and don't want to have sex with him anymore either. I love him, but it's starting to feel like I love him more as a friend. I don't know what to do. We have fun sitting around on the couch watching tv and movies together, eating meals, cooking together, grocery shopping, whatever small stuff, but I think I want to have children, but I don't feel confident that he will be the father to my children that I want him to be. I get the feeling that if I brought it up today he would still say "maybe in a year or so", and I just don't want to hear it. I'm 26 years old, and am hoping to have three kids. I would never pressure him, or try and get pregnant "on accident". That is not my style. But I am tired of being patient, tired of waiting, and feel ready for the next step in my life. I have always wanted to be a mom.

But is HE ready?

What if he's not? What if he never will be? Should I just end things now? I feel like if I stuck around, and kept loving him the way I do now, would I fall back into being attracted to him like I used to be, or would I resent the fact that I stayed, had children, and then was forced to realize that I was right all along, and that he wasn't ready to step up and be the man I so desire? 

I was in a car accident previously, and have messed up my shoulder and upper back. One time my husband and I got to talking about kids, and I asked him if he really wanted any anytime soon, and he said, "Fine. You want me to be honest? I think if we have kids I'm going to have to be the one to take care of it, because of your back." And "I don't want to have to come home from a long days work and have to take care of the kid, just because your back hurts." And "Do you REALLY think you can handle being a mom right now? Seriously?" Each of those things crushed me inside, especially because I'm currently doing a great job of taking care of his child! How dare he ask me if I think I can handle having kids? And who gives a crap if you have to help out when you get home from work? He acts like it would be this giant burden, when really it's just called PARENTING! I don't think he can handle this, and I don't know what to do. 

I'm considering a separation, but don't know where I'd go. I'm not financially able to get my own apartment, and I don't really know what it is that we'd be "working" on. I get the feeling he'd apologize like crazy and tell me he'd change. He'd probably even lie to get me to stay, by saying we can go ahead and have kids this year or something. But I don't want lies. I don't want pity. And I don't want to have kids with someone who doesn't truly want them. 

But what about me? :scratchhead: 

:banghead: I WANT KIDS! 

I feel like marriage counseling would just hurt our relationship more, because we'd both get brutally honest - but maybe it's what we need. I wish that were more inexpensive too. *Sigh*
Seeing all of my friends have kids makes me jealous. Happy for them, but always a little jealous. It's hard to answer the question "why don't you have any kids?" Or "when are you guys planning to have kids?" Because you don't want to tell people the truth, which is that * I want kids, he doesn't...*

Anyway, if anyone has any advice for me whatsoever, please help. Thank you! 

I've posted about this before, but could use more advice.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

If he is a distant father and he refuses to help around the house, why would you want to start a family with him? He already has little interest in his first child. Chances are he won't be the best dad to your kids either.
You mentioned your age. Is your husband older than you? Maybe he doesn't want to go through the stress of parenting a newborn again. Babies disrupt your sex life in a big way...maybe he is afraid of that happening. It sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of another child.
I'm wondering how much your need to have kids is based on wanting to keep up with your peers.
Family planning should be discussed before marriage, so that your situation cannot occur.
My husband and I agreed not to become parents. I just keep it to myself or tell people we can't. 



Children are a dealbreaker. If one spouse yearns to be a parent and the other does, the marriage will not survive. If you want kids, you deserve to have them. If your hubby does not want any more, he should not be forced into being a father for the second time.
Having a baby will NOT make your problems go away, dear. It will worsen them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

Mrs. G,

First of all, thank you so much for your advice. To answer your question, yes, my husband is 4 years older than me. His daughter is now nine years old. I've been her Stepmom since she was 2, almost 3 years old. 

I agree with what you said about my husband.

I do feel that my desire to have children comes from me, not from the fact that I'm jealous over my friends. It just doesn't HELP that everyone else gets to experience what I want, when I want it. You know? I used to be childish and thought I wanted kids a long time ago, but more recently have thought of it on a more serious level. I've bought (and read) tons of pregnancy books. I have a box in my closet with tons of baby books, journals, planners, and even some baby clothes. My mom has given me my own baby clothes from when I was a baby to try to motivate me to have kids, and my husband's mom has given me my husband's baby clothes to hint to the same thing.

By the way, I think it's very mature that you and your husband have decided not to have children. Although I want them, everyone's situation is different, and I've always thought highly of people who have just straight up said no (because it's what they want), rather than have children because it's "the next step". It's not always the next step for everyone, and I know people who have lived great and happy lives child-free as well. Women aren't just baby making machines, we are people too! 

I do agree that children are a dealbreaker. My husband and I did discuss having children before we got married, and the plan was that we'd have them "in a year or two". That was five years ago. I understand that things change, living situations, finances, whatever - but I also think there comes a time to be honest with a person, and just tell them the truth. I feel like my husband is holding back, and not telling me something. If he doesn't want to have kids with me he needs to tell me so (as I'm sure you know). 

Another problem is that some men tend to have sexist views on what a woman should or should not do. When I am unemployed my husband EXPECTS that I do the cleaning around the house and magically turn into some apple pie baking stepford wife. I don't know where this fantasy came from (probably like most men, he wants me to treat him like his mom did), but I don't like it. I think he thinks similarly about children, and that if I want them I'll be the one to take care of them. I think parenting should be a 50/50 thing, not 60/40, not 75/25. But is that just the way it is? Are women always more involved, interested, and excited by the things going on in their childrens lives than men? Because I know my mom did most things with me, and my dad was always kind of in the background. I guess I'm asking because I don't want to be the idiot who has some completely unrealistic view on life, with unrealistic expectations. 

I love my husband very much. He's smart, funny, handsome, and works hard for our family. We have so much in common. The only problem is his parenting style. I already see myself judging him and wanting more from him, and I'm wondering if I'm kidding myself. After all, you said so yourself, "Having a baby will NOT make your problems go away, dear. It will worsen them." And that, "He already has little interest in his first child. Chances are he won't be the best dad to your kids either."

It's hard reading things like this, only because it's what's been in my head all along. It's good to hear an outside perspective, and I thank you again for your advice. Any feedback is very appreciated! Thank you!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

imhereforadvice said:


> My husband and I have been together for six years, and married for five. He has a child from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own. Everytime I bring up having kids my husband freaks out and uses the "we aren't ready financially" excuse. He always says "in a year or two", and he's been saying that for literally about five years now, when I think we'd be fine financially, and that is not the issue.
> 
> I have wanted kids for a long time, but have started mentioning it more seriously over the past two years. I'm very close to my Stepdaughter, and can't bare the thought of not having her in my life, but my husband and I don't seem to see eye-to-eye anymore. I ask him to do a few things around the house regularly, and he can never seem to handle it. He doesn't seem to want to see his daughter more than once a month, and that bothers me. I don't know why he wouldn't want her to live with us all the time, let alone half the time - but he only seems to try and fix that once I get on his case. We live about 3 hours away from his ex, and meet halfway every 3 weeks to pick up his child.
> 
> ...


From my experience I can tell you that IF you have children with this man it will get worse. Your focus will be on the baby and years later you will wake up and realize you are in a loveless marriage because you married a selfish manchild. Please do not have babies until this is sorted out.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

imhereforadvice said:


> Mrs. G,
> 
> First of all, thank you so much for your advice. To answer your question, yes, my husband is 4 years older than me. His daughter is now nine years old. I've been her Stepmom since she was 2, almost 3 years old. You are to be commended for being a stepmom for so long. :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


No problem, friend. :smthumbup:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

:scratchhead:Sanity, just out of curiousity, is he a "selfish manchild" because he doesn't want children? I hope not!


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

So did you discuss children before marriage? Did you get married because you wanted children or because of love? Some people don't want children. I think it would be even more selfish to both your husband and the child to force a child.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

imhereforadvice,

I said this to another member of this forum recently, but yes your husband needs to step up now or let you be on your way. He needs to realize how big of an issue kids are to most women, and he made a commitment to you that he needs to respect, period. I doubt he wants to see your marriage end, but I also get the impression that he has no idea how unhappy you are and how close you are to walking out. You absolutely NEED to sit down with him and be as direct as you possibly can about this. I'm very serious, in my experience women tend to communicate with their husbands with the false impression that they know how to communicate as women, often utilizing every form of communication OTHER than being direct. In this case, being direct means saying something like the following:

"I am unhappy. I feel that you have broken your commitment to me regarding children. This is important enough to me to the point that I will leave you if you do not commit to following through with the promises you made to me over five years ago. I don't want to hear more excuses, I really don't care what they are. I made clear in no uncertain terms before we married that children were a requirement for me, not simply a desire, but a requirement. If you have chosen to renege on your commitment to me and have been leading me on all this time, then I have lost respect for you as a man that you could do that to your wife, and want you to tell me right now so that I can move on with my life. All of my life I have dreamed of the day when I will become a mom, and I have been hurting for a long time now, knowing that while I have done my best to be a good wife to you, that you have chosen to ignore one of my most basic needs as a woman. I want you to understand how painful it has been. If you need time to consider this, then out of the love that I still have for you in my heart I will give you X days to recommit to me that we will begin actively trying to get pregnant in 2011. Please know that I do love you, I do want to stay married to you, to be in your daughters life, etc. and I do not like giving you an ultimatum as I believe that is a sign of selfishness and lack of grace, but this is not negotiable. I have given as much as I can, waited for as long as I can, and now I need an answer."

What do you think?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

On a separate issue, you talked about men having a sexist view of women. While of course that is certainly true for a lot of men, the situation that you described doesn't seem sexist to me at all. You seemed to balk at the idea of taking a greater share of responsibilities at home when you are unemployed, indicating that expecting that from you is a sexist view because you are a woman. I couldn't disagree more.

I don't want to get into the debate of Men vs. Women and their natural responsibilities and such, as I believe everyone should be free to pursue their dreams, personal achievements, career goals, etc. If both spouses are working, then they should equitably split the household and parenting responsibilities. But if one spouse is not working, regardless of whether it is the man or woman, then absolutely that spouse should take on the lions share of the household duties and parenting responsibilities in between jobs. There is nothing remotely sexist about that, this is just a fairness issue. I'm thinking I may have misunderstood what you were trying to say when you cited the example of unemployment?

As far as parenting, yes it should be 50/50. This isn't a case of, "You wanted the boat, so you you are responsible for it" or anything like that. He doesn't have to want a child as badly as you do, but once you have the child, he needs to be equally responsible and committed to that child, no question.


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## Sick2003svtcobra (Jan 11, 2012)

Alot of my wifes friends have husbands like yours. Priorities are just all jacked up! Any time we were all together we would get along but of course they razz on me (or try to) about me working out and my dedication to fitness. It's always funny when their own wifes call them out too, and say stuff like "well maybe you should put video games down and hit the treadmill" yada yada yada.

Once they were all talking video games so i jokingly jumped in and said "I dont know how you guys do it, every time i play a video game with my wife she beats my ass, i suck at those things" they all laugh and one of comes back with "man that must have been the most imasculating thing ever huh" i hit em with "actually 4 grown men talking about video games takes the cake for me bro"! Boom, wifes laugh, guys hate me forever, whatever!

So I dont get the video game thing sorry.

I can tell you this! You will never be financially ready for children! NEVER!!! So lame excuse righ there. He is not the man to have children with, it will get worse as said before! 

just my .02:smthumbup:


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