# How do I talk to husband about sex problems



## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Outside of the bedroom, I have a really good relationship with DH. We seldom argue other than a quick tiff here and there. I try my hardest to not be a nag or controlling. I almost always tell him thank you for helping around the house when he does and carry an equal amount of responsibility in regards to finances and chores. I have the hardest time accepting that we can't get it together in the passion department. We do tend toward the sexless marriage and have this cycle we go through. It starts with passionate and enjoyable and then I start to feel like he is only doing it as an obligation and then I get hurt and shut down. He doesn't make an effort to restart either. Next things it is months of no attempts on either part. We are currently going through the shutdown part of this cycle. I have had many conversations in the past especially during the passion phase about not wanting this cycle to continue but I believe he is just telling me what I want to hear and I play the part of the eager wife until it hits me over the head that he had no intention of following through.

I just don't know how to talk to him anymore about this problem. I have followed all the advice of try not to belittle, or embarrass, or blame. I tried to be supportive and not make too many demands. I have told and showed him what I like in bed, what he can do to arouse me both physically and mentally, why sex is important to me. I have asked him to show me what he likes and then follow through. I have really tried to take the guessing game out of the bedroom.

This is what I do know:
1. He is not having an affair nor has had one.
2. He is not into porn or gay
3. He is not on a med to cause LD
4. He did have a low T count in the past and had injections. Labs do not show a low enough T count currently to be a problem.
5. He has an erection but has a problem with keeping it and this can cause delayed ejaculation or possibly the other way around.
6. He is overweight in the midsection and we know this can interfere with blood flow.
7. He has not discussed this problem with his current doctor other than having past low T count.
8. I do initiate...often.
9. I do ask for only once a week and not pressure for more.

I know the erection issues must be embarrassing for him and frustrating. I have tried to not make it an issue for fear that it would decrease his libido even more. I have looked into ways to help him and try to be subtle as possible with passing on the info and not to have a drawn out conversation. I thought maybe it is a masturbation style that I cannot compete with but I don't know how to even bring up that subject up since he is starting to retreat again.

I just don't know how to deal with the issue anymore. I have told him that it feels like rejection and he said it isn't me but since he has a couple passive aggressive traits I don't know what to believe. He asks me what is wrong but I don't trust myself to not let it all out and give him an ultimatum. I don't want to destroy my marriage outside the bedroom but I don't want to give up passion either. I just don't know how to have the conversation anymore about him being passive aggressive and he needs to be responsible for his own choices (not doing anything is a choice).


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sorry to here you are having troubles. I understand it is hard to talk to the LD because they can get very defensive. But if this is a problem that is causing you to consider leaving or cheating than I think you should first try being more demanding. 

Give him in writing what you expect from him, come to an agreeable solution and then hold him to it. Maybe he needs ED meds and he certainly should take care of his health. 

Hinting often does not do it for LD people. They think it is a suggestion and not a real need that will cause problems in the marriage and or make their HD spouse miserable. 

If he can't discus this without getting bent out of shape than just end the conversation and say you will resume it in a few days or require his response in writing. Do not let it escalate into a fight. 

If he won't respond to that properly than suggest marriage counseling. If he won't do that you may have to find someone else or just live with what he is offering.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You said you guys are in a cycle. Part of the solution is going to be you stepping out of your part of the dynamic and trying a new way to be sexual with him. 

Otherwise you guys will go round and round. I think lots if not all marriages are like this - if not with sex with something else. Wanting to be free of the dynamic is only part of the problem. 

You mentioned that you shut down as part of this cycle - you could probably start there, finding another way to react. 

Of course this is easier said than done! With my husband I am a year into trying to change the dynamic and it's still very difficult to not get sucked into the shutting down that I do myself. 

Also is your husband open to seeing a counselor with you? That is likely a faster way out of the dynamic if he's willing.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So your husband has ED or is in the beginning stages of it? You said he is overweight. Does he have high BP and/or is diabetic? Both can cause ED issues. Carrying extra fat in the mid section will lower testosterone - which may be affecting his libido. 

If you can get your H to commit to eating a healthy diet and exercise, and he has no other medical problems, don't be surprised if his libido and erection quality improve significantly.

He should get checked out by a Dr - especially if you suspect that a medication is causing the ED issue.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I am definitely in my shutdown process right now. I guess that is my passive aggressive trait but lately I am thinking he counts on that shutdown so I will call off sex and not him. I have tried to address it many times and either my words aren't getting through or he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear. 

He isn't in the beginning stages of his ED. We have been doing this cycle for the last 15 years (married 17). We have looked through his meds online and cannot find anything that says that they could cause ED. He isn't diabetic nor high blood pressure. He definitely knows losing weight and exercise would improve many areas of his life immensely.

I am just not certain what I can say anymore that will get him to be open with me or follow through with his promises. Thanks for your responses.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

onedge said:


> I am definitely in my shutdown process right now. I guess that is my passive aggressive trait but lately I am thinking he counts on that shutdown so I will call off sex and not him. I have tried to address it many times and either my words aren't getting through or he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear.
> 
> He isn't in the beginning stages of his ED. We have been doing this cycle for the last 15 years (married 17). We have looked through his meds online and cannot find anything that says that they could cause ED. He isn't diabetic nor high blood pressure. He definitely knows losing weight and exercise would improve many areas of his life immensely.
> 
> I am just not certain what I can say anymore that will get him to be open with me or follow through with his promises. Thanks for your responses.


hes been this way for your whole marriage? when you initiate are you successful with your goal of once a week sex? maybe the solution is just accept you have to start things.

I think you want him to show desire for you sexually more than anything else. and that's a reasonable thing. 

would he say the sex is good?


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Onedge: I am having similar problems as you are. I am also finding myself shutting down over this. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone!


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

So far I think you have acted very wisely not to put too much pressure on him. On the other hand it must be really clear for him that it is a part of a healthy marriage and you need it.
I recommend reading Schnarch intimacy and desire. 
As he's overweight, I guess it is good to go jogging, maybe both of you. 
I am in a similar situation, but it is improving, but I can't really tell what is the factor what makes the improvment, there is a bunch of things going on.
One factor might be fear of intimacy in general (MIGHT!).
It is important to know what the root cause is, in most cases something with your childhood. And therefore he needs therapy, and going to therapy is no fun.
Google for epimedium (a plant) this might help.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Have you tried initiating sex at all yourself? Go up to him and grab him or wip it out and blow him.

If he doesn't enjoy/appreciate that than maybe he is turning gay or something?

Regardless, that is complete negligence on his part. How can one not feel obligated to make sure their loved one is satisfied is beyond me.

Might as well not be in a relationship IMO.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

You must not be gay to not enjoy sex, you might be unhappy in your relationship, your parents have constantly put you down, your father played a poor role model or your mom abused you emotionally, that and hundreds of more reasons. If your inlaws are still alive, study them.
Do you look for yourself? Go to the hairdresser? Are you in shape?
It is important that you both communicate openly, that he tells you what he does not like sexually. YOu told him what you like and maybe he has not told you what he likes or doesn't like.
There is one funny thing I noticed that it is important which thoughts you bring into the bedroom, i.e. anger, frustration etc. can be counted as the thoughts which won't give you sex, while romance, acceptance are better.


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## samasche (Mar 28, 2014)

I understand it is hard to talk to the LD because they can get very defensive.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"It starts with passionate and enjoyable and then I start to feel like he is only doing it as an obligation and then I get hurt and shut down. He doesn't make an effort to restart either. Next things it is months of no attempts on either part."

At the beginning of the cycle what makes you think that he is passionate and then it turns into obligation?

I think LD people tend to not think about sex much and at best they tend to be passive. This is often interpreted by the HD as the LD not being in love with them and everyone likes to be pursued. 

At the start of the cycle how often does sex happen per week?

Maybe after the months long break he can be enthusiastic for a short time and then the frequency becomes too much for him?

Is he willing to give you O's without reciprocation?

Are there non-sexual things he can do to make you feel more desired?

I think that the thing is that the HD partner needs to accept that the lack of interest in sex is often not a reflection on them (barring other relationship problems). 

As the HD partner you will need to drive the sex life and really the best you can hope for from the LD is that they are responsive and make some effort and do not totally shut down.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You need a third party, a marriage counselor to air this out with. Resentment is going to fester otherwise.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Has he tried the usual ED helpers; cialis, viagra? How do they work for him.

It sounds to me more like a male confidence problem. He is hesitant/reluctant to do sex because he's thinking it might not work.

These drugs can do wonders to help with male confidence. Even with guys who are not technically ED, but have performance issues, they can boost confidence. Normally the manufacturers have 'come-ons'; trials, where they are free with a drs' prescription, or buy online without dr.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I have really been trying to research and analyze this cycle. Let's see if I can answer some things. I do initiate often but that wasn't always the case in the past but I have for the last year. He hasn't tried any ED helpers out there but I did just find out about epimedium and that really has me thinking a strong possibility there.

As I mentioned, the beginning of this cycle he is passionate and attentive. Flirting and affectionate outside the bedroom but as I know with possible ED issues I don't pressure him for no more than twice a week so he can rebuild his libido in between. Then the sex will go to once a week but but he is still very attentive to my needs. That is a compromise that still works for me. Then he starts being less attentive like 5 minutes of foreplay and tries to rush things along. At this point, I am usually starting to get a gut feeling that he is treating me as more of an obligation. Then he will start doing things like rolling over and going to sleep after his orgasm, which takes alot of work and time, and leave me just hanging there. He knows at this point he has upset me and apologizes and makes promises. The last of the cycle he then finds excuses to not have any sexual contact. I withdraw and shutdown and make no more attempts.

Three weeks ago he made his apology and I flat out told him later that night that this behavior he has been showing in the bedroom is what takes us to the no sex stage of our marriage. I didn't argue or say it angrily but I had to make certain he understood that the ball was in his court. He said he understood, made a promise, and hasn't touched me since. I know he feels guilty by the extra chores around the house. 

As far as growing up, I can't think of anything he or anyone else has told me would have been an issue. He had a close bond with his mother growing up but not a momma's boy. He turned 18, joined the military, and through various circumstances ended up making a life for himself clear across the country. He still talks to his family by phone often and we visit when we can. He wasn't brought up in a religious family to have made him feel guilty and his parents had a long and seems like a satisfying marriage. There were no addictions or abuse or marital fighting from what I can tell with his childhood stories. 

The only serious relationship he had before me was a 3 year engagement. Now that had a story on it's own. The girl wanted to wait until marriage for sex and he respected her wishes. After 3 years of being engaged and she wouldn't set a date, he bid her goodbye. I was the rebound girlfriend. He broke up with her on a Tuesday and we went out on first date that Friday. We had been friends for about a year prior due to a mutual buddy. Neither one of us at that time wanted anything serous. I had been divorced for about 2 years and was enjoying life. It had been a crappy marriage but the divorce was amicable. The ex and I made it a point to put all that fighting in the past and move on. We moved in with each other after dating 4 months and were married at 6 months. We did have people think we were moving to fast but we knew each other long enough without any expectations or trying to make good impression that we really got to know us as people first. I mean literally there were no secrets or hidden agendas. That was 17 years ago and outside the bedroom we do have a good marriage. We are great at being friends just not lovers. I brought 2 sons with me ages 6 and 8 at the time and we had a daughter together who just turned 16. He has a good relationship with his stepsons. In fact, they are more respectful to him than me. He has a friendly relationship with the boy's dad and refers to him as the 3rd stepson. I can't think of anything that is going on outside the bedroom between us that can cause this shut out.

He is good with our daughter and she is definitely a daddy's girl. It was so cute to watch them together as she was growing up. Dancing, playing, their own secret code words. So for the longest time I figured it has to be me and I turn him off somehow. It is so confusing because if I turned him off then wouldn't he have trouble having an erection to begin with? Sorry went on a long rant.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Last night we had the talk. I called him up earlier in the day to let him know that I was going out with a coworker for a girls night. I have never been out on a girls night so I did catch him by surprise. We made a few jokes and hung up. Well friend called to cancel due to sick child and as I was already in process of getting ready I thought maybe I will go ahead and go and unwind a bit and come home.

Husband comes into bedroom and sees me in the new lingerie I bought. A new bustier with a low plunge and shows the girls perfectly. So he continues his conversation about where we are going and what time I am leaving. Finally, he just sits on the bed and looks at me. 

Him: "I haven't seen that before." 

Me: "You saw it the night you started the thumb excuse." 

Him: "Are you wearing that out?"

Me: "Yes..you may have chosen to opt out of sex but I won't allow you to make me feel undesirable."

Him: "I never said that!"

Me: "Your actions speak louder than your words and I have always told you that."

Him: "I don't know what is the right answer."

Me: "I don't want the right answer. I want the honest answer."

Him: "Does this mean I screwed up and back to the beginning?"

Me: "No but if it takes you months to get over this dry spell you will be."

Him: "You know I love you."

Me: "I have never doubted your love or respect for me."

Him: "Can I go with you?"

Me: "Nope, you told the daughter she can go out and she doesn't have a key to get in."

So we had the talk and I didn't accept I don't know as an answer to anything. He told me that he is just frustrated with the low labido. He masturbates occasionally but not really much into that anymore, and hasn't had a morning erection in almost a year. I even asked him to tell me how long does it take from start to finish when he does it by himself. I think we can safely rule out delayed ejaculation. So I asked him to try something with me for one month and if at the end of that month nothing has changed then we will figure something else out. I asked him to not masturbate. That the only way to orgasm is by me whether it is oral, my own hand, or intercourse. If it isn't going to happen then he has to just say stop and not push it further. Don't make it sore or overfrustrated. If he loses his erection, then just stop and go back to foreplay and don't force it. 

He agreed to see his doctor and actually talk to her. She said in the past that his T level is within range but that range still might be low for him. If she gives you a prescription for viagra or something then take it. If the difficulty of keeping an erection is interfering with desire it will help. If not, then we will move on to something else. Plus, are herbal/vitamin options to try to help increase T levels but it takes time to build up in your system. 

We are going work on weight for both of us. I asked him to just set a goal of 20 pounds and to just start with some eating changes. Large low fat/high protein breakfast, normal lunch, small dinners. To eat a protein snack in between meals before grabbing any high fat snacks. To walk the dogs with me every day and I promise not to do my marathon pace. 

Well needless to say, he was pretty passionate last night. I even gave him a new move that he said was the closest he came in a long time and did lose part of his load. He must have been telling the truth as Mr. friend made a surprise visit this morning, and he asked me if he can see the new red lingerie tonight. 

I am going to visit the post about safe words. One of the problems we couldn't figure out was how for me to know it is a night of cuddling or sex.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I have one word for you. Cialis. My H was just prescribed this yesterday. All I have to say is wow. That one little yellow pill just made two people very happy .


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## sfgjsdgjying (Mar 30, 2014)

Outside of the bedroom,


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Did you talk to your husband about this cycle? 
How does he feels about this cycle?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

"I asked him to not masturbate. That the only way to orgasm is by me whether it is oral, my own hand, or intercourse."

I would pay large sums of money, give up beer, give up sports, and give up fishing to have my wife think like this. 

~banging head against wall~


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