# After affair, where do you start



## bossesgirl26 (Jun 19, 2011)

My husband has ended his affair. He blocked her on FB, blocked her on his cell with me witnessing both. He is very remorseful and says for first time he is starting to see what he's done to me/us, etc. This is all very recent. This is probably going to sound dumb, but now I feel like, okay it's over, now what do we do? We both know we have a long road ahead of counseling, forgiving, communicating, rebuilding, etc. But now it's like do we rush to counseling, do we let things settle a bit, do we not talk about the affair?? I know there is no right and wrong. But I have never been thru this before. Also what is normal and to be expected from him? He is very affectionate (with my approval) and we both want to be around eachother, etc. But also last night he got very grouchy. He said he's beating himself up inside over what he's done, the pain he's caused and he just can't believe he allowed himself to have an affair. I feel so scared, insecure and on edge. Guess I just don't know how to be, what to say/do, etc. I am driving myself crazy because I feel so irritable and don't wanna be. Can someone please tell me if this is normal and how your immediately after affair went, etc. Thank you so much.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It is a process of time, transparency, and rebuilding of trust.

This is not even close to a quick process. It can take years to work through it. Some never do.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think the first thing is to get all the answers that you want. Why, when how, who where, what happened, where was I, etc, etc. There are many reasons for this, first is to know where your marriage went wrong to allow this (I'm not blaming you at all, but this doesn't happen in a great marriage). Second, while your H is feeling bad about it, he is liable to open up to his tricks and how he pulled it off without you knowing (good info if he tries it again). Third, expressing out loud what he went through is a good way for him to see how much damage he has done.
Once everything is out in the open, you have to decide how you will deal with it as a whole and with each part.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

bossesgirl26,

Yes everything is "normal" so to speak. The process is a long one as some have mentioned before. My advice would be:

Just take it as it comes. Your brains have been sitting ringside at the emotional heavy weight fight of the century. Take some real time to de-frag and don't expect miracles.

A lot of what you say gives me real optimism about your future.

Your in the same house = GOOD!

Your able to be in the same room = GOOD!

You both are affectionate = Really GOOD!

These are milestone in and of themselves, you should be proud of that. 

You are well on your way, the road ahead will be long...but it's worth the journey. 

There is no need to rush any decisions, just "chill" for awhile. Get some books on the subject and learn, educate yourselves...spend time alone, spend time together...eat, sleep, work...rinse and repeat.

If things don't seem to be moving forward at first..that's ok. 

If things are spiraling out of control again, then it might be time to check out some alternatives but from what I can tell you guys seem to be doing fine.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I'm not even in the same town. When she talks with the word "me" in the sentence I have a physical reaction like I am being abused. 

So far so good!


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

what makes you believe he is remorseful


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

useable said:


> what makes you believe he is remorseful


Why do you ask? Based on prior post won't you just tell her that she should divorce her husband regardless and then have him tied to a wall at the end of an alley and stoned as a cheater?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Bossesgirl,
I would add two things. Not knowing the nature of your H's affair (emotional, physical, duration ect...) I am assuming it had at least some emotional component. Assuming that is correct keep an eye open. EA's are very difficult to kill and no matter how remorseful your H is he will be at least tempted to reestablish contact. It's just the nature of the fog he is in. He has a brain chemical addiction he has to break and it is as difficult as any other addiction to break. Just pay extra attention for the immediate future, even if he slips and breaks NC it does not necessarily indicate he wants back into the affair, he may have just gotten weak for a moment. As long as he is honest with you about everything and puts for the effort to help you reestablish peace of mind and trust I'd believe in his desire to reconcile. That's not ideal I know but possible none the less. In the process of coming out of my EA I was as remorseful as I have ever been about anything and it was still hell coming out of the fog - among the hardest things I've ever done. And, yes I did slip and break NC twice, but immediately told my wife and let her read everything. 

The other thing I would add is that the two of you need to talk about it - a lot. You will have a tendency to want to avoid it just to have things seem like they have returned to normal. What you both have to accept is that the marriage you had is over. The marriage if front of you can either be better or worse, it's up to the two of you. The two of you have to talk it out together to deal with it and process it all. Doing this can actually bring you closer and you can end up with a stronger better marriage on the other side. My wife and I are now about 13 months post D Day, we have talked about every aspect of the whole thing so many times I can't even count them. Through this we have reconnected and are today better than we have ever been. It's a long hard road but it can be done.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Bossesgirl,
> 
> The other thing I would add is that the two of you need to talk about it - a lot. You will have a tendency to want to avoid it just to have things seem like they have returned to normal. What you both have to accept is that the marriage you had is over.


This is exactly where i'm at. We avoid talking about it and yet, i'm breaking up inside. So this is very GOOD advice, talk, talk, talk...now if only I could take that advice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to add- (and this helped greatly with me) 
be prepared to hear the truth, ask that he not be afraid to tell you the truth even if it may hurt you and don't be afraid of expressing your own needs/wants/feelings even if it may hurt him

do this in a calm manner and really listen to one another, try your best to not get defensive (ask the same of him) or angry (although it's fine to state how upsetting it is to hear)

real progress can be made by doing this- the root causes and problems you never knew about will start to surface and thus you can start tackling those problems


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> to add- (and this helped greatly with me)
> be prepared to hear the truth, ask that he not be afraid to tell you the truth even if it may hurt you and don't be afraid of expressing your own needs/wants/feelings even if it may hurt him
> 
> do this in a calm manner and really listen to one another, try your best to not get defensive (ask the same of him) or angry (although it's fine to state how upsetting it is to hear)
> ...


Amen to all of this. So important to really reconcile and move forward. It's amazing what you can learn about your spouse (and yourself) when simply communicate openly and honestly with them.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

bossesgirl26 said:


> My husband has ended his affair. He blocked her on FB, blocked her on his cell with me witnessing both. He is very remorseful and says for first time he is starting to see what he's done to me/us, etc. This is all very recent. This is probably going to sound dumb, but now I feel like, okay it's over, now what do we do? We both know we have a long road ahead of counseling, forgiving, communicating, rebuilding, etc. But now it's like do we rush to counseling, do we let things settle a bit, do we not talk about the affair?? I know there is no right and wrong. But I have never been thru this before. Also what is normal and to be expected from him? He is very affectionate (with my approval) and we both want to be around eachother, etc. But also last night he got very grouchy. He said he's beating himself up inside over what he's done, the pain he's caused and he just can't believe he allowed himself to have an affair. I feel so scared, insecure and on edge. Guess I just don't know how to be, what to say/do, etc. I am driving myself crazy because I feel so irritable and don't wanna be. Can someone please tell me if this is normal and how your immediately after affair went, etc. Thank you so much.


This is ABSOLUTELY normal. Welcome to the roller coaster of emotions and it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

First things first, you can't just sweep it under the rug and not talk about it. That's one hellva big elephant in the room and if you don't talk about it, it will crush you.

Get into marriage counseling ASAP, that's probably the best forum you can air out your feelings on neutral ground. He needs to be 100% transparent with you. You marriage is NEVER going to be the same again. It's over (the marriage you once had) you will never fully trust him again. 

I strongly reccomend marriage counseling....and soon!


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## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

Hi Bossesgirl,

I'm glad you asked this question. You and I are in a similar boat - my husband ended his affair and is very remorseful. His was ONS and there has been no contact since. I, too, am struggling to figure out how to work through things from here. One difference though is that he and I are living separately...first a mutual choice and now he is insisting until he gets some IC. I think many people here gave excellent advice about being patient and talking through it - counselors are helpful because they keep both people focused and can stay objective. Whatever you do, don't sweep it under the rug. We did something like that before - my husband was having some emotional issues a little over a year ago and we kind of just tucked that away and BAM, a year later - ONS with no explanation. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you are able to move past this horrible situation to have a positive marriage - as GM has shown us, it can be done!


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Why do you ask? Based on prior post won't you just tell her that she should divorce her husband regardless and then have him tied to a wall at the end of an alley and stoned as a cheater?


i am not sure if he is remorseful .. cheaters are liars.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

useable said:


> i am not sure if he is remorseful .. cheaters are liars.


*Useable* got banned. Not surprised. I swear Useable is the same person who keep sgetting banned over and over. Same writing style, language, everything. I am going to start keeping track. But so far I've thought three posters have been the same person, the last one being "Useable."


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> *Useable* got banned.


:banned2::banned2::yay::yay:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know right. Let's all do a happy dance. Every comment Useable made was so full of hate and bitterness.

:allhail:


I really really think it keeps coming back under different handles/names. I wonder if there is a way the moderators can check the IP address to confirm that. It's the same writing style as other posters who've had nearly the same writing style and remarks.

I have always wanted to use this smiley, even after the fact (lol):

:banhim:


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