# Need a female perspective



## bluemanceo (Oct 18, 2012)

I have posted this in the male thread and have only gotten male feedback. I am looking for a female perspective so I can decide what to do. I don't want to overreact based on advice from a few guys who may have been cheated on before:

I have been struggling with what to do lately and need some input. My marriage is far from perfect and I have played a role in that and accept it. About 4 months ago I had a long conversation with my wife about things I could do better to make our relationship stronger. Since then I have realized how to be a better husband (based on what she has asked of me) but things on her end have not changed. We have the same argument about how she has no desire to be around me. Every night is the same routine and I just want her to notice I am around and care about me again. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who we both adore, but when she goes to bed we should be connecting as adults and we aren't. 

Recently I have had a weird gut feeling that she is having an emotional relationship with one of her co-workers. I have told her that I have these feelings and she quickly dismisses them and tells me she has never cheated on me, then changes the subject to her being exhausted all the time. I cannot shake this feeling and today I check my cell phone bill records. She has been texting (not a whole lot) with a co-worker more specifically when I am working or she is out doing stuff. I am trying my hardest not to be an invasive husband because yes she is allowed to have friends and even male friends. But why would she have the need to text this guy 19 times in an hour just before I get home and then have the conversation stop when I get in the door? 

How do I handle this situation before it gets worse? I haven't asked her to see emails or texts and would never just randomly check her phone but things just FEEL weird with her and I want to fix that! Please share some thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Blue: If you're looking for the female perspective on a real problem and not just data gathering, be sure to tell the ladies up front about the out-of-town work trip.


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## bluemanceo (Oct 18, 2012)

Philat- Great point! 

Yes, a few weeks ago my wife was out of town for work and I know this guy was there also. Before that there were no text messages back and forth. Also, I am out of town this weekend for a night and I am really struggling with the idea of being away do to lack of trust.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm not sure you'll like the answers on this side of the fence any better since it really sounds like you're looking for someone to tell you that it's no big deal and it's all perfectly normal and innocent.

I'm usually the last to jump on the "they must be cheating" bandwagon, but this should be throwing up red flags for you all over the place. Red flags with spotlights on them.


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## bluemanceo (Oct 18, 2012)

Gypsy- You are right, I am looking for someone to ease my nerves a little bit. 

Is it not possible for a married woman to just simply text another man for a random reason?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

bluemanceo said:


> Gypsy- You are right, I am looking for someone to ease my nerves a little bit.
> 
> Is it not possible for a married woman to just simply text another man for a random reason?


Have you seen the text messages? Tell her you feel a little uneasy about it and would like to see what they are chatting about. If she has nothing to hide, she will hand her phone right over and the messages will still be there (not deleted). 

If she gets defensive and starts an argument that you should just trust her...you have your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

bluemanceo said:


> Gypsy- You are right, I am looking for someone to ease my nerves a little bit.
> 
> Is it not possible for a married woman to just simply text another man for a random reason?


Sure--when I was married I texted lots of guys for random reasons. What I *didn't* do was text them ONLY when my husband wasn't around to ask who I was texting with. And rarely have I ever texted much with men I worked with. In my entire career, I think I've probably only had the cell numbers of 3 or 4 guys I worked with. If it's work, even if we're joking around about somebody's loser sports team on a Monday or something--usually use email. 

If you're afraid to ask her straight out what's going on, then make up a reason to borrow her phone to call someone and check the texts.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If the men gave you advice about investigating your wife's texting, I suggest you follow it up. 

It does seem that your wife has put up an emotional wall keeping you and your attempts for better intimacy out. She is puprposely shutting you out. 

The question is why? I don't think it's a matter of you not helping around the house or not telling her she's beautiful or forgetting you anniversary. In other words, I doubt her road blocks can be specifically linked to something that made her angry, because if that is all her distance is about then your attempts to sooth thing would be met with less resistance. 

Unless...

Is she a resentful woman who will carry a grudge to her grave?
Is she a suspicious and mistrustful person who looses trust easily?

If you can't answer a positive yes to the above questions, then it would seem she is in a mind set to actively keep you out. And that points to an affair, I'm sorry to say.

I have some friends who had had affairs and what I find sad is that their husbands suspect and take passive measures to try to win her back, but they can't even go there. They call this the affair fog, when a person is so fogged in by the allure of the other man, they simply can't see the beauty of the forest right in front of them, so they block it out and shut it down.

There is a lot of truth in the alpha male idea. Women do tend to respond to a strong male who has strong boundaries and the balls to back them up with action.

My best friend recently ended a 5 year affair because her husband finally grew a pair once he had enough info to confront. All these years I have been gently urging her to work on her marriage and make it what she wants and needs rather than play with fire, fell on deaf ears because her husband could never be the kind of guy she wanted, while her OM could never be the kind of guy she needed. But her husband stepped up, confronted, laid down the law and I have noticed that she is much more content than she has been for years. I really like her H and though she is my best, closest and longest friend, it saddened me what she was doing to him and by extension to them.

So, yes, I think your wife is having an affair and I am NOT the type to run that flag up the pole very easily! My advice is to make a detailed post in CWI and learn to gather info. But, don't let the anger and bitterness rub off on you. Make your decision because you want the outcome, not because you have been beaten up about being cuckholded. Wish you the best.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bluemanceo said:


> Philat- Great point!
> 
> Yes, a few weeks ago my wife was out of town for work and I know this guy was there also. Before that there were no text messages back and forth. Also, I am out of town this weekend for a night and I am really struggling with the idea of being away do to lack of trust.


Major red flag that something inappropriate is developing. May not have been actual sex, or even any touching, but something is causing her to block you out this right here sounds like the most obvious culprit.

So sorry.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

bluemanceo said:


> Gypsy- You are right, I am looking for someone to ease my nerves a little bit.
> 
> Is it not possible for a married woman to just simply text another man for a random reason?


I have two male friends from before I met my partner that I text on a (very rare) occasion.

The thing about this is that I don't sneak around with them. My partner is not a jealous person and I'm not saying anything inappropriate to these individuals, but if my partner asks to see the texts, he gets to see the texts immediately. I don't lock my phone, and I don't contact them only when he is away. 

My opinion is there are a lot of red flags in your situation that I would be looking into.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Ask to see the text messages, she goes ballistic, screams at you and bingo, you know you have a problem. Remember, if there is nothing there, people rarely get upset.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are some very well-known red flags here. I would investigate. Ask for this to be moved to the CWI forum if you need guidance on investigation.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

bluemanceo said:


> But why would she have the need to text this guy 19 times in an hour just before I get home and then have the conversation stop when I get in the door?


Having guy friends from work seems normal enough, and occasionally texting them seems normal enough, but this, what I quoted above, seems like a huge red flag to me. 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

bluemanceo you really have not given us much to go on. You two are not close, she texts a lot and you have this feeling.

You can establish a baseline, ask her about who her friends are at work. You can ask her if she has feelings for anyone else and if she feels you are drifting apart.

Note: cheaters usually LIE during this period BUT you can check it off your list and proceed calmly exploring revamping your relationship with her or consult the other offers of "investigators."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This situation is why "Transparency" is so vitally important in the foundation of a marriage, just talking openly about one's day, what is happening at work should be established early on...about our co-workers, the ins & outs... both spouses doing this... what I call a "willing giving" transparency.. 

Too much secrecy like this carries POWER with it, if she is having at least an EA (which I would suspect)... this needs to be brought out in the open....where it suddenly looses it's allure..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html



> *AvonPink said: **My advice is to make a detailed post in CWI and learn to gather info.*


 Yes... do this!

If you take the other route and try taking to her, she'll know you are ON to her...and start covering her tracts better...

When there is *nothing* to hide... we have no need to hide...

It's a shame.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There may be something going on w/ that co-worker and there may not be something going on with that co-worker. 

If there is, that explains a lot.

If there isn't, then something else is going on. The bottom line is she isn't putting in the effort that you want so let her know what you NEED/WANT from her in order to feel better about your relationship. It can't be one-sided.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

It's possible they never had each other's cell numbers before the work trip. 

Hiding it is the issue. Does she take her phone to the bathroom? Passlocked?

I would be concerned that you were going away without knowing what is really going on.


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

Please, please, please trust your gut feeling. The majority of the time, it is accurate. I ignored mine instead of investigating further - to my everlasting regret. A year later I came across the irrefutable proof of an affair that I could have prevented if I had acted sooner. 

Please visit the Coping With Infidelity portion of this forum. Most of the time, confronting your spouse with suspicions and nothing to back them up produces complete denial. You need to investigate and have all the facts before you confront. That is the only way to get the truth. 

Her behavior is definitely filled with red flags.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

bluemanceo said:


> Gypsy- You are right, I am looking for someone to ease my nerves a little bit.
> 
> Is it not possible for a married woman to just simply text another man for a random reason?


No. Not more than once or twice. All afternoon/evening is VERY odd unless it's your best friend and she's planning a surprise party.

Even when I was unhappy in my marriage, I did not randomly text another man. I did rely on a (married) male friend for courage and objectivity. 

I suggest you check her phone. If you don't make a constant habit of it, I don't see that as anything I would find offensive. If I didn't have anything to hide and it wasn't all of the time (i.e. I didn't think you generally didn't trust me) I would have no problem with my SO perusing my phone.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Just some perspective here,I take my phone into the bathroom with me bc it's usually in my pocket or if I'm showering I listen to music on my phone while I'm in the shower.I text coworkers frequently sometimes.On occasion it's about work and sometimes it's about a tv show we all like or it's about a dog story or something with fostering.
My phone is passcode locked and due to recent privacy laws in my line of work I had to change it to one that my husband doesn't know bc it has work information and conversations on it.

Now,if he asked to look I would be sad he didn't trust me but I'd hand it over fully unlocked immediately.

You've got several red flags to check into that seem fine separate. Once you lump them all together the picture gets pretty clear and goes in one direction.

Do some light checking if for no other reason than to put your mind at ease.You also have to remember just bc you changed for the better doesn't mean she's a light switch that will turn back on just bc you're better for a few months.


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