# Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex



## macey8 (May 2, 2015)

A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex. 

When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media. 

When he's in the mood for sex, he cuddles me, touches my boobs, kisses my neck and does not turn his back on me when laying on the bed. He is more attentive to what I say and can hold a conversation.

Things have changed a lot from the time when we weren't married yet. He doesn't even take the time to plan how we are going to spend our anniversaries. We haven't gone on a date to celebrate our anniversary...ever! We're married for 7 years now. We have a child.

I finally opened up to him about this as I felt like I am being used. He was offended and told me he wouldn't initiate sex with me anymore. A month has passed and he has not really asked me to have sex. 

What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

May I suggest counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You don't want to initiate. 

He's not initiating. 

Are you very young? 

This issue won't improve in a vacuum, but if you don't want sex with him anymore you may as well divorce and find someone that does light your fire.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Satya said:


> You don't want to initiate.
> 
> He's not initiating.
> 
> ...


I would guess she wants sex but she wants the rest of her husband too, more of the time. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This is the female version of "my wife only wants cuddles, not sex".

Truthfully, I think many men do this inadvertently sometimes, and/or many women feel this way from time to time. Obviously the issue is that, in this case, it's ALL the time.

It's probably simpler than you think to stop this pattern. Communication. Simply tell your husband that your need for non-sexual contact (ie. cuddling, etc.) is on-par with his need for sexual contact.

Given his reaction, I'm guessing you essentially told him something along the lines of "you only touch me when you want sex" or "you only ever want sex", thus his reaction of "fine, I won't try to have sex with you any more". Now you're both at the same impasse, neither of you getting what you need from the other.

Not your fault, of course - his reaction is immature and rather selfish. However, proper wording may go a long way to changing his view on this subject.

Like I said, make him understand your need for non-sexual contact is the same as his need for sexual contact. If he doesn't understand, or "get" it, then you may be stuck, but I think you'd be surprised.

On the other hand, we men are, admittedly, fairly easy to manipulate when it comes to sex...

Some people (of either gender) tend to require emotional foreplay, which ramps up the sexual desire. Some people require sexual foreplay to ramp up the emotional desire. It seems as though you are the former and your husband is the latter.

Therefore, a possible solution is for each of you to compromise with each other, which will result in both of you having your needs met.

For example, you can show him sexual desire (ie. touch him, grab him, jump on him), and he can show you non-sexual desire (ie. cuddling, holding hands, spooning).

The upside for both of you is that there's a high probability that this will increase his desire to be close to you in a non-sexual way and increase your desire to be close to him in a sexual way.

As each of you are responsible for meeting the others relationship needs, it requires effort on both parts and compromise.

In other words: the more you show purely sexual interest in him, the more he will be interested in simply emotional, non-sexual time with you. The more he meets your needs, the more you will be interested in being sexual with him. Know what I mean?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The man has not been interested in sex for a month? His feelings are really hurt that you think he was using you. Maybe he's mulling over your complaints that he ignores you until he's interested. Whatever his excuse is, his behavior is immature and not conducive to a happy marriage. Break the ice and ask him if he wants to go to marriage counseling or individual counseling.


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## mrsray2197 (Dec 10, 2015)

Gee sounds familiar. Mine has no interest in me at all. I can try to talk to him and he doesn't hear me or hes on his phone all the time. But when he wants sex I need to snap to it! But he shows me nothing in terms of anything else or any other form of intimacy.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I also fell into this routine. Wife said exactly the same to me. 
Now I purposely show affection the day AFTER sex, and right up until we have sex again.
I think what happens is a drastic loss of testosterone right after sex. For me it usually lasts a couple days. The moment I cum, the thought of sex and anything sexual leaves my mind as fast as you can imagine. 

I really wish this was not the case. However, I understand my wife and try to do my best in this regard. I can tell she appreciates it, or at least she never says the dreaded "you only want to touch me when you want sex."


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

macey8 said:


> What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.


Him refusing to initiate is a passive aggressive temper tantrum, and he will eventually get over it. I would also say that you NOT wanting to initiate sex in favor of just masturbating seems like a passive aggressive tantrum as well.

There are two ways out of this downhill spiral. One is "just do it" to get some sexual healing and the other is "take a break from sex" to take a moment to reconnect as friends. BOTH of those involve being patient and forgiving with one another. 

Yes, you feel the way you feel and he needs to respect that. But at the same time men have hormonal cycles as well (particularly post orgasmic) that change our behavior so we do not have nonstop sex all day long and kill ourselves. So your husband feels the way he feels and you have to respect that as well. 

So that leaves you with:

• patience
• forgiveness
• respect

...is what you BOTH need to focus on in order to reconnect. 

If you are going to have to throw a tempter tantrums, take out your frustrations in the form of kinky sex, and punish him a little! Initiate sex, get his all aroused, tell him he can't have an orgasm until he learns to be nice, and then just walk away!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I'd hazard a guess that this has been building for some time - like years, with a lot of misunderstandings on both sides. 

I'm sure you're observation was 100% correct, he probably doesn't show you much of anything until he wants sex. 

How did he get there though? Where is your husband on you list of priorities? I bet he is not at the top which is understandable with a baby involved but never the less...

As far as not planning for your anniversary goes, this is a perfect example of misunderstanding each other. This is generally not a guy thing, the date and the event can be fairly meaningless to us. Do not look at his failure to place any importance on this through the lens of the importance you place on it. That's not fair.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This may be off base, but think about it: 
This is an easy trap to fall into. Let me guess that his has a higher level of desire for sex than you do. So he is almost always wanting sex, always hungry. Touches and causal intimacy remind him of his desire for sex, so he can't enjoy them. Imagine telling a very hungry person that you want to go to a chocolate shop just to look and smell, but not eat. 

This is the situation I was in for many years.

If you are willing, try having sex frequently. Don't let him be selfish - the sex should very much be mutual, but go a couple of weeks with him getting all the sex he wants. He may then find that he enjoys non-sexual intimacy as well. That may make you enjoy sexual intimacy more as well. 


Now if he is a selfish lover when you do have sex, that is a different matter.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

UMP said:


> I really wish this was not the case. However, I understand my wife and try to do my best in this regard. I can tell she appreciates it, or at least she never says the dreaded "you only want to touch me when you want sex."


I guess I do things a little differently. When I want my partner's attention, I seek it. Now, if I am rejected then, we have problems. Rejection sucks and too much of it causes rightful resentment. Touch is my primary love language and hence the resentment issue if rejection occurs too often.

To me sex and intimacy go hand in hand. I agree with Ump. Mr. B, shows affection after sex as a way to build up for next time. I don't iniciate with him hardly ever. I did almost every time with husband of 21 years. It's all about communicating your needs until you reach a happy compromise.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> This may be off base, but think about it:
> This is an easy trap to fall into. Let me guess that his has a higher level of desire for sex than you do. So he is almost always wanting sex, always hungry. Touches and causal intimacy remind him of his desire for sex, so he can't enjoy them. Imagine telling a very hungry person that you want to go to a chocolate shop just to look and smell, but not eat.
> 
> ...





richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> This may be off base, but think about it:
> This is an easy trap to fall into. Let me guess that his has a higher level of desire for sex than you do. So he is almost always wanting sex, always hungry. Touches and causal intimacy remind him of his desire for sex, so he can't enjoy them. Imagine telling a very hungry person that you want to go to a chocolate shop just to look and smell, but not eat.
> 
> ...


This is a great reply. Being in a similar situation, I will just add that the line between sex and intimacy must blur. 

My current problem is that I see sex as being very closely related to intimacy. My wife sees intimacy as everything short of sex. If I'm planing intimacy, then I'm planning sex. In her case, it's the opposite. The two are incompatible. The line must be blurred.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Possible reasons I would pay attention to my SO only when I wanted sex:


I am rejected often enough, and have been for long enough, that I think "I'm not getting my needs met. Why am I bothering with yours?"
You're an unpleasant person. I only go to you, for anything, when I really need to. (Hey, at least I'm not cheating... yet.)
You've become boring. No, really. Boring. Seconds become minutes, minutes become hours when I try to talk to you.
You're a trophy wife. I never married you for your personality.
Hey, remember the last time you asked about my day and it wasn't an obvious ploy where you cut me off and then spent the next hour talking about *your* day? Yeah, neither do I. If you don't listen to me, why should I listen to you?
I am a self-centered prick. (I think this would bleed out into all aspects of our relationship.)
You're a self-centered prick. It *does* bleed out into all aspects of our relationship, but you don't see it.
I'm having an affair. I've loyalty-shifted to my AP and only hit on you so that you won't suspect me.

This is a *NEUTRAL* list. I'm *NOT* claiming that *any* of the items on the list apply to your situation. I'm just spitballing ideas.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Looking at your posting history, I'm going to guess that this is a control issue, on both sides of the fence.

Tons, tons, TONS of guessing here:

You seem like you're very... I won't say controlling, but how about _rigorous_ in your interactions with him. Why? Because you two have shared assets, own a business, and he's been borking up by the numbers. If my spouse FUBARed the inventory and my business closed it's doors for two months, I know that I'd show a certain amount of _rigor_ in dealings with her.

So he's the guy that borks things up, tries to hide his neglect, and you're the one that has to needle him to extract the necessary information to keep your business afloat.

In his view, whenever you enter the room, The Law has just entered the room. He's thinking about what he borked that you haven't discovered and doesn't want to slip up.

If you want to go back to being husband and wife, he needs a new boss. Preferably one that will fire his ass and force him to get a job not related to your business.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm not saying this is what is happening, but I had this exact conversation with my wife the other day about one of her friends.

Her friend is complaining that his husband never cuddles with her, shows her affection, PDAs, etc.

And they also have sex MAYBE once a month.

And when we were discussing this, my wife said to me, why can't things always be like when we were dating? My response was -- when we were dating, we were having sex probably 10 or more times a week, of course we were always cuddling.

And for her, we were always having sex because we were always cuddling.

My advice to her friend was to initiate a lot of sex and then to cuddle with him.

My advice to her friend's husband was to cuddle with his wife without expectations.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

One thing that worked for me was scheduling sex. No matter what I did, my wife assumed that I was only saying or doing something for sex. By setting up a once a week schedule, I could say or do something for my wife, and she could accept it for what it was.

Example - sex on weekend, mid week while at home depot check out line, I leaned in, kissed her and told her she was cute. Later, while I was up on ladder installing drywall, she steps out of bathroom after a shower naked & told me to get my butt into the bedroom!

After we were finished, I asked what had prompted her to do that. She said the public display of affection when she knew that sex wasn't on the schedule allowed her to receive my compliment for what it was, a compliment.

Maybe jump hubby's bones, then the following morning over coffee ask him to work out a schedule for sex AND that both of you will have lots of snuggle time where sex is not the expected outcome.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lessthennone said:


> My current problem is that I see sex as being very closely related to intimacy. My wife sees intimacy as everything short of sex. If I'm planing intimacy, then I'm planning sex. In her case, it's the opposite. The two are incompatible. The line must be blurred.


This^

This is what I hinted at in my post, and what others have outright said in their replies. I like the way lessthennone put it though, very simply.

I think this is a very common roadblock that many couples face, and on the surface, each blames the other. "All s/he wants is sex". "All s/he wants is to cuddle".

As a 40 year old male, I can tell you that my sexual interest in my wife is FAR less about getting off and much, much more about the intimacy and closeness. If I wanted to simply get off, there are other avenues for that.

The irony in my situation is that my wife actually separates sex and intimacy. For her, it IS about getting off. Usually you see this more in men than in women, but we don't corner the market, either. Unfortunately, her need to get off isn't nearly as strong as my need for intimacy, so we're rather far apart.

But I digress - OP, it's reasonable to assume that your husband is interested in sex with you for primarily emotional/intimacy reasons, and not just getting off. He may not be, of course, but the odds are good that that's it.

The sheer fact that he hasn't touched you in over a month seems to indicate that. If it was purely about getting off, he would have caved by now. Instead, he's likely taking care of those needs on his own, and otherwise feeling rather rejected emotionally as he believes his wife has no interest in meeting his intimacy needs.

Unfortunately, that leaves the door wide open for somebody to take that place.

Think of it this way: if my wife was really touch-feely, cuddly, always wanted to be next to me, holding my hand, holding me, etc. and I straight-up told her "All you want to do is hold me or touch me" (ie. you're too clingy), how do you think she'd react? With total rejection, that's how.

The real root of the issue is far too many people separate sex from everything else, including intimacy, and that it's (especially for men) only about getting off, and only for special occasions, or only to be done once a week (or month).

Imagine if everybody out there had the same mindset about kissing or hugging their spouse, or holding their hand, or sitting with each other on the couch. That those sorts of things were only to be done one in a while, or even that much thought was required before doing them? Imagine if my wife reached for my hand, and I pulled away, saying "I held your hand yesterday!", or if she snuggled up to me on the couch and I told her I wasn't in the mood and moved to the chair.

This is what so many married people do to their spouses without a second thought when it comes to sex. It makes people feel rejected by the person they love, and not only that, it makes them feel bad in the process. You shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting to be intimate with your spouse, and to me, sex within a marriage shouldn't be a gift one person gives to the other. It's a gift to be shared. As soon as it becomes a tool or a bargaining chip, it's lost much of its meaning. It should be just as natural as a peck on the cheek, holding hands, or hugging.

*ETA - I think the mindset is a carry-over from the dating years, when it very well could be that one person was really only interested in sex, or a regular sex partner. I think we've all probably dated people that we knew we weren't going to marry, but it would be fun while it lasted, right? So in these situations, yes, one (or both) parties really could be only interested in sex.

But marriage is different. Marriage is not dating, it's not seeing what's out there, playing the field, practicing, whatever you want to call it. One doesn't tend to marry somebody simply for the luxury of having a regular sex partner. But one can certainly date somebody for that reason.

My wife had experiences like that while dating, and they're relatively easy to snuff out. If every single time she saw a boyfriend, he tried to have sex with her, then it becomes clear that's all he's after. Duh. Boyfriend gone. (by the way, this isn't exclusively a female problem).


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

reading your other posts, your husband seems blah. Needless to say, he puts in the same amount of energy he does into the business as he does into his relationship with you. He is not engage unless sex is involved and he has a business he breaks even on without any more effort to grow or sell to work a job that does bring home income.

He neglects the relationship until sex is involved, and he even got lazier because what effort he at least use to put in, it declined even further.

I would seriously consider selling the business and returning the money back to your parents, he really is not putting it to use to make it go anywhere.

Why did you decide to open up the business, was it to support him for something he wanted to do?

Are you still working two jobs? Did you ever open up your own back account? Is he still trying to control the finances? Are you looking over the accounts on the business end?

Do you want things to work out, or do you want to find out if things can work out? There is a difference. You can spend years working on the marriage and he may never change, or not change until you are completely detached. People have a comfort level of doing the same crap until a crisis event occurs, perhaps you leaving him.

Either way, work on your own issues, and control what you can, yourself. If things are not what you want in a relationship, then leave him. It is not his job to meet your needs, rather you find someone who can if he chooses not to. Divorce first of course. Relationship are choices, and staying with him, you also choose to be unfulfilled. You do not owe him your life, it is your choice on who to expend your life on and it is your job to judge if it is worth it or not.

Be honestt with him, and if he fails to heed your words, then that is on him. He is in his own little world, behind his own belief that marriage is a lifetime thing, which he may feel safe to neglect.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

macey8 said:


> A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.
> 
> When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.
> 
> ...


 @macey8 I can definitely relate to this topic, my wife has said that "*I only show affection around sex*"; meaning the most affection happens before we have sex and carries on after we have sex but then the more time has gone by without having sex I tend to get less affectionate; or less affectionate for her standards, I still feel that I'm being affectionate.

So just being someone who has experienced this first hand and maybe giving some insight into what your husband is feeling/thinking, I had the same reaction your husband had. I stopped initiating sex and also stopped showing affection until the times I would have a moment of weakness and I would initiate sex. I know in her head she was probably thinking the same old thing saying *he only shows intimacy when he wants sex*. I hated myself afterwards because this didn't help the situation and it would just make the situation more confusing. 

Just like your husband I would shutdown and watch TV, go on the computer, be on my phone, etc. all things to avoid being affectionate it with her. The reason being is I was just building resentment towards her partially because of what she said to me, the fact that I always had to initiate sex, and that I never felt desired by her sexually. 

So based on my readings on this forum, I said to myself you know what, I'm going to shower her with affection, leave love notes, tell her how much I loved her, plan nice nights out, etc. *taking sex out of the equation*. I would do all these things thinking to myself okay now she will see that I don't just show her affection when I want to have sex but I'm making a conscious effort to meet her needs. 

This strategy ended up backfiring on me because what happened is I just kept on meeting her needs and in the back of my mind I was like okay maybe she would step out of her comfort zone and start initiating sex more or at least give me solid queues that it's sex time vs cuddle time but that day never came; so what ended up happening is I started to resent her again and I would go back to TV, PC, Phone mode.

I don't know the ins/outs of your relationship but my biggest issue was just wanting to be wanted/desired sexually by my wife, and her biggest issue was just being wanted affectionately by me. So when I stepped out of my comfort zone to shower her with affection and put her priorities/needs first; when she didn't see the need to do this for me it just ended up hurting me and made me feel like I was not a priority to her, or actually my needs were not a priority to her, which in turn made me just start pushing her away.




alexm said:


> This is the female version of "my wife only wants cuddles, not sex".
> 
> Truthfully, I think many men do this inadvertently sometimes, and/or many women feel this way from time to time. Obviously the issue is that, in this case, it's ALL the time.
> 
> ...





alexm said:


> This^
> 
> This is what I hinted at in my post, and what others have outright said in their replies. I like the way lessthennone put it though, very simply.
> 
> ...


 @alexm Your posts resonate so much with me...spot on! It's crazy how so many other people come across this same issue in marriage no matter who you are.

I've communicated with my wife in the past and told her how sex is much more than just sex to me. I like being intimate with my wife and in turn it does make me be more affectionate with her. I even tried to give her an example and said it is probably the same way she feels when she is always craving affection and her being the one that initiates it. She has told me that she would like it if I initiated being more affectionate with her, and I tell her that's exactly how I feel with sex, I hate being the one to always initiate it. I would love to have the feeling of my wife wanting/desiring me sexually instead of being a cuddle care bear to her.

IMPASSE...that's the perfect word @alexm to describe this same issue that plagues so many. 

My current roadblock has been, no matter how much I explain to her how important, meaningful sex is to me and how it makes me be more affectionate to her, which is exactly what she wants; she doesn't understand why I just can't be affectionate with her without needing sex. I don't know how else to explain this to her to make her understand this; I've tried comparing it to her needs and how she doesn't like it when I show her zero affection but it just does not get through. It seems like "sex" and "affection" are 2 totally different things in her head. She always seems to make "sex" sound like it's so much harder to do physically than me just showering her with "affection"; so why can't I just give her more affection and having sex once a month should be enough.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last in this roommate pattern but I don't think I have much left in me.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

My husband used to be the same exact way. He would only be affectionate when he was in the mood, otherwise he was in his own world and wasn't thinking of me. Unlike what other posters have said, I have a higher sex drive than my husband. It was extremely frustrating trying to get him to be physically affectionate. He'd only want sex maybe once a week, which was less than what I was hoping for. Unfortunately, the only reason it changed was because he wanted it to. The change had to come from him. I tried talking to him until I was blue in the face, but it did nothing. I had enough and seriously thought about leaving, which he knew, and I think that pushed him to really get it together. He's not as affectionate as he was when we were dating and I don't know if we'll ever get back to that point, as my husband has an inability to deal with stress well, but we're so much better off now than we were a year or so ago. He's really stepped it up to help our marriage get back on track. Counseling would be a good idea to help him understand just how much you need this or you can try reading the book His Needs Her Needs together. Hope things get better for you.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Sounds pretty normal to me, even if not an ideal situation from a woman's point of view.

A guy will relate to a woman through sex. This is a bodily need. 

Smart women know how to raise this to the level of intimacy.

Seven years into a marriage (specially with a kid), is when your hormones aren't raging as they were when you first started. You could see the positives and be glad that he's still attacted to you (even if he doesn't express it as at first)



macey8 said:


> A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.
> 
> When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.
> 
> ...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

For me personally I say introduce him to consentual tease and denial games - but I doubt many others would be able to handle that.

Probably need a third party to reconcile this.
It's a bit like the "my wife keeps playing candy crush all night" or the much older "all she does is read books".

Somehow the other partner has to realise their addict/digital-affair. Sadly such cyberdependancy isn't cool to talk about in this modern world, but things such as "NetLag" and "CyberStress" used to be dangers discussed just before the Web was invented, just as "chat addiction" was also a big issue with IRC and ICQ and Messenger. Basically it's a matter of breaking the _addiction_ and refocusing on real life and real relationships. The latter being something which the modern world is losing, especially with it's forcing children to remain immature for too long.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

brownmale said:


> Sounds pretty normal to me, even if not an ideal situation from a woman's point of view.
> 
> A guy will relate to a woman through sex. This is a bodily need.
> 
> ...


This is kind of the blunt version of what others have said here, but it's not wrong.

Husband (still) wants sex. Wife (still) wants cuddle time.

Maybe OP can do the same thing her husband is doing, but in a non-sexual way.

But as others have said, and I agree with, more sex/less rejection SHOULD = more non-sexual intimacy. It IS kind of how we men are built.

During the courtship phase and early era of a relationship, we men are more likely to want to please through other means, and sex is typically a by-product, or a result. The longer we're together, the more comfortable we are, and the less "effort" is required - we think.

The reverse can be true as well - the longer you are with your husband, the less sex you think is required, and the non-sexual intimacy can be taken for granted.

Sometimes couples just need a kick in the pants for each other to realize that effort is still required in order to meet each others needs.

What generally happens is that these things that are not necessarily "needs" for us get thrown by the wayside, and we forget that they are needs for you, and vice versa.

If every couple treated each other the same way they did in the first 6 months of a relationship, everybody would be happy.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's the difference between building something, and maintaining something. You put a lot of effort into creating whatever it is, say, building a deck. You plan it, save the money, buy the materials, put a lot of sweat equity into building it, and finally, it's done! You can relax and have parties on it and enjoy the fruits of your labour. After that, to keep it in good shape, you just have to do the occasional clean up, replace a board now and then, restain it every few years, etc.

It's the same in relationships. Both partners court each other, putting a lot of effort into building their bond, with the goal of marriage. Once they are married, then they go into maintenance mode.

It seems to me that this impasse develops when one partner considers sex to be the building effort and affection to be the maintenance, while the other one considers affection to be the building part and sex to be the maintenance.

During the building phase, both are working hard and both are getting both sex and affection. But when they reach maintenance, suddenly one partner feels sex is less important but the other feels affection is less important.

You know, I'm really liking this deck analogy. So sometimes life stresses hit, and there's not enough time, or money, to maintain the deck, and it falls into disrepair. Children may be jumping on it, or swinging from it, accelerating the decay. One partner thinks, oh, it's not MY job to repair the deck, I'm too busy working, or too busy raising the children. And eventually, both partners are looking out the patio door, lamenting their broken down, unusable and possibly dangerous deck, and thinking of the prohibitively hard work and cost it would be to tear it down and build a new one.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

macey8 said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> Is it too difficult to work with your spouse as business partners on top of being life partners?
> 
> ...





macey8 said:


> How do you deal when you're married to a man who doesn't hustle?
> 
> I am the one earning to meet the family's needs. I am very motivated, driven and I like to think big. My husband is taking care of a business (which startup funds we borrowed from my parents). The business has been running for 2 years now and it's not growing, while I work 2 jobs.
> 
> ...



There is more, but I think he has a maturity problem. Looks like his professional self matches his personal self as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am 58 and I would probably still like sex three times a day.

My wife with a combination of poor health and the menopause would probably be happy with having sex more like three times a year.

I suspect that there have been times when my wife has started a deliberate and utterly pointless argument in order to forestall any idea of sexual intercourse.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

ptomczyk11 said:


> So based on my readings on this forum, I said to myself you know what, I'm going to shower her with affection, leave love notes, tell her how much I loved her, plan nice nights out, etc. *taking sex out of the equation*. I would do all these things thinking to myself okay now she will see that I don't just show her affection when I want to have sex but I'm making a conscious effort to meet her needs.
> 
> This strategy ended up backfiring on me because what happened is I just kept on meeting her needs and in the back of my mind I was like okay maybe she would step out of her comfort zone and start initiating sex more or at least give me solid queues that it's sex time vs cuddle time but that day never came; so what ended up happening is I started to resent her again and I would go back to TV, PC, Phone mode.


Pretty much a guaranteed result.
That's why giving into demands _never_ seems to work by itself, although someone will probably tell me how wrong I am.

Basically what I see is by directly changing the one thing all it does is _enable_ the person to carry on happily with their needs satisfied and gives them zero reason to actually resolve the issue.
The Patients all Lie.

Assume that the behavior you're seeing/hearing about is a symptom, and working on the symptom won't fix the problem.

(Personally that's why I find women are terrible communicators, they'll speak a lot and yet share nothing that is important). You actually have to work out what is driving the behavior because there's a good chance the other person isn't even admitting to themselves the driver for their behavior , they just compensating, and thus you the person with poor satisfaction is left dealing with the consequences of that compensation ... and getting the rebuke for it.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Pretty much a guaranteed result.
> That's why giving into demands _never_ seems to work by itself, although someone will probably tell me how wrong I am.
> 
> Basically what I see is by directly changing the one thing all it does is _enable_ the person to carry on happily with their needs satisfied and gives them zero reason to actually resolve the issue.
> ...


I agree that giving in to demands doesn't work. If you are giving attention and writing love notes because your wife demanded it, and not because you want to do so, then they are meaningless. It would be like having duty sex. You can tell it's duty sex and it doesn't fulfill your intimacy needs. Just like writing love notes because she wants you to won't work. And is a giant waste of time.

Stop seeing it as "giving in to her demands." If a woman gives in to her husband's sexual advances and "gives it up" because she is supposed to, it doesn't feel very good. Gestures that feign emotional intimacy feel just as empty, particularly when she knows he's just doing it so he can go back to having sex on a regular basis. Of course it will backfire - how could it not?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The next demand that is going to come out of this marriage is the one were one spouse tells the others spouse " I will not give them up and we are just friends"!

Can't say who will cheat 1st, but I'm sure someone in this marriage is talking to a co worker or old male friend from school about how shyt the marriage is.

This marriage is ripe for the picking for anyone that likes to phuck married people.

You guys are in such a dangerous place right now ......you have no idea!

At the end of the day you guys better start screwing each other no matter what or you will soon find a 3rd party in this already fragile marriage. I'm just not sure who will step out first.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

These are the kinds of threads that *start* in the "Sex-Marriage" section at TAM and end up in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of TAM.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

the guy said:


> The next demand that is going to come out of this marriage is the one were one spouse tells the others spouse " I will not give them up and we are just friends"!
> 
> Can't say who will cheat 1st, but I'm sure someone in this marriage is talking to a co worker or old male friend from school about how shyt the marriage is.
> 
> ...


Blunt, but unfortunately not wrong.

It's a sad reality, but when one or both people in a marriage aren't getting what they require from the other, it's not out of the question for one (or both) to find it elsewhere. Often it's not on purpose, either. That's when you hear the "it just happened, I didn't plan it" excuse. And more times than not, that's exactly how it goes. The person in question did not, in fact, go out specifically looking to have their needs met.

And more often than not, affair partners are looking for the same damn thing - affection, interest, desire, and to feel important to somebody, even in a small way.

It's human nature to require these things, it's why we date and marry. Hell, it's even why people have casual sex and flings. It meets our basest needs. Whether it's for one night, a few months of dating, or 50 years of marriage.

So to commit to somebody in marriage, and for one (or in this case BOTH) parties to deny their partner the same damn things THEY require (yet via different methods) is idiotic. The whole idea of marriage is based around having a partner to meet these base needs AND to ensure their needs are met as well. NOT, as so many marriages wind up being, a goal of finding somebody to meet your needs, and theirs can be damned.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It seems to me that this impasse develops when one partner considers sex to be the building effort and affection to be the maintenance, while the other one considers affection to be the building part and sex to be the maintenance.
> 
> During the building phase, both are working hard and both are getting both sex and affection. But when they reach maintenance, suddenly one partner feels sex is less important but the other feels affection is less important.


Unfortunately, it's usually men who use affection to court women, and women use sex to court men. Like you said, both usually reach the maintenance phase and can fall by the wayside.

You know, it's funny. Both men and women have the same complaints, especially after marriage.

"My wife used to have sex all the time, and now it's a chore!"

"My husband used to be SO affectionate, and now he can't be bothered!"

It's the same issue, isn't it? The same complaint.

The go-to "solution" for this is usually logically, but rarely seems to work: Be more affectionate, and she'll have more sex with you. Have more sex, and he'll be more affectionate with you.

As somebody in this thread mentioned, it doesn't work for him. And I am in the same general boat as well.

I find that, at least in my experience (and I do need to be careful here...) that when men purposefully become more affectionate in the hopes that their own needs will be met (as per the go-to advice), the woman often tend to not believe they are doing it for the "right reasons". As in, they don't quite trust their husband/partner is truly showing them affection for anything more than the goal of having sex. They may feel manipulated.

Whereas, I find when a woman becomes more sexual, with the goal of receiving more affection, we men are pretty quick to accept and reciprocate.

I know I feel MUCH more affectionate about my wife when she makes an effort with something, especially sexual. The effects usually last for days, as well. I don't quite understand why she hasn't figured this out, either, even after basically telling her this bluntly. But more often than not, her efforts are few and far between, and she wonders why I've fallen off after x-amount of time. And I DO make the efforts to meet her needs even when mine are not being met, but there's often a finite amount of time for me to reach the point of non-interest because nothing's coming back.

Humans require motivation - it's that simple. Motivation has to come from BOTH sides, not just one, and not at a 10 to 1 scale, either. This scale can vary depending on personality. I'm a people-please, my wife is not. Therefore a 3-1 scale would work for me, for example. Every 3 things I do to please her, 1 in return for me. The scale will vary for everybody. Even 10-1 might work for some people.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

alexm said:


> Unfortunately, it's usually men who use affection to court women, and women use sex to court men. Like you said, both usually reach the maintenance phase and can fall by the wayside.
> 
> You know, it's funny. Both men and women have the same complaints, especially after marriage.
> 
> ...


 @alexm Once again, your post is exactly what I'm feeling and going through with my wife - you should be a marriage counselor, Lolol. I feel like printing your post out and showing it to my wife, but I'm sure that wouldn't go over to well. 

My current situation, I haven't initiated sex with my wife in over a month and half, and as you can probably guess she hasn't either. She still makes attempts to just hug and kiss me; in which, I reciprocate but it feels empty / passionless.

It feels so strange, there was a time where my wife would simply hug and kiss me and she would immediately turn me on; I felt so much love and felt how strong our love was; she just had that effect on me. This was also a time where we were on a more regular sex schedule. 

I'm actually scared now, because she will come up to me and hug and kiss me but I don't get turned on whatsoever; it's like I've been unplugged.  There is nothing; I used to grab her butt, get flirty with her, give her a bunch of kisses on the neck, throw her on top of me, etc. but now I feel so disconnected I feel like I'm just hugging a stranger, in a sense. 

So sad it got to this point when in the end like @alexm mentioned we are complaining about the same thing but just coming from different feelings.

She will say to me I respond to you; meaning the more affectionate I'm with her the more she will respond in a more intimate way with me. But what kills me is; how much do I have to give of myself affectionately before she finally desires me intimately? She might say she responds to me but I never see it; it feels like I'm earning credits for something I can never redeem.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

ptomczyk11 said:


> @alexm Once again, your post is exactly what I'm feeling and going through with my wife - you should be a marriage counselor, Lolol. I feel like printing your post out and showing it to my wife, but I'm sure that wouldn't go over to well.
> 
> My current situation, I haven't initiated sex with my wife in over a month and half, and as you can probably guess she hasn't either. She still makes attempts to just hug and kiss me; in which, I reciprocate but it feels empty / passionless.
> 
> ...



You should read her other threads, and there was another poster who gave in and gave her husband sex and for a while he was affectionate then he stopped and the issues went back to where they were. The sex just masked the issues and he went back to neglecting her all over again.

It should be both working together instead of people advising her just to have sex with him.

They have a business together, and it nearly failed. He ignored her input and request for transparency with the business, but he denies her. Turned out she was right about managing money. there business is a small grocer, and they ran out of money to restock inventory.

She also used to put her paychecks into his bank account, one which he originally had access to. In one of her other threads, she states she will open her own account since her husband claims why the numbers do not add up.

Also, he would throw fits when she tries to have a say.

Btw, the money that helped them started their business came from her parents, and like their finances, he had more of a say in how things went. Sex is not their only issue.

I have a friend that is getting divorce, he neglected his wife, except when it came to sex. Other than that, he was either playing Diablo III,or hanging out with us. She took care of the home and well, now he lost his wife and the sex as well.

There is a misconception about sex, and you can google research this, but females bond more strongly when it comes to sex. Males have that in love feeling for about 45 minutes on average after sex, whiel females have it for about 3 hours. After orgasm, females release seven times the amount of bonding hormones that male release called oxytocin.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Deguello here,back after a.long break,
Sex between married folks,is tricky at best, for most guys the clock starts ticking right.away,it is more than "just sex",it affect us in many ways,
I am really cranky after four days,after a week I don't sleep well,and I am no fun to be around, We are still working this Out after her affair that is still denied that it even happenned.( However there are some ED issues.) We had a counseler who said "you could have sex every day ant it would not be enough, my reply"we we will never be able to prove that because it will never happen"
My point is you can work this out if it is IMPORTANT.otherwise bitternes anger and stress result.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

macey8 said:


> A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.
> 
> When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.
> 
> ...


I would suggest you get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife and Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. It sounds a lot like my marriage when I was in a Sex Starved Marriage. What I and my wife didn't know at the time was that every day of of 40+ year marriage we told each other how much we loved each other, but we were not fluent in our spouses love languages.

For example each day, my wife who learned from her mother that a "good wife" cooked a hot home made meal for her husband and had it ready for him when he came home from work, always cooked a nice dinner for us (Chapman's Act of Service love language). She also expected to have a nice conversation at the dinner table (Chapman's quality time). When she didn't get those things she felt unloved and disrespected.

I on the other hand was working late to be a good provider, get raises so my wife and children wanted for nothing financially. Except she didn't see it that way.

I on the other had showed my love for her by my primary love language that is touch and my secondary love language which is words of affirmation (or praise). My wife viewed my reaching out to her to tell her I loved her and told me that I was just pawing at her body to get in her pants. When I praised her about the things I really liked about her, she told me that I was just trying to butter her up to get in her pants.

Do you think that maybe, just maybe when your husband wants to tell you how much he loves you he reaches out to touch you and that is not just about sex?

What I learned was that when if came home late for dinner and the dinner was burned and ruined, to her it was as it I had slapped my wife and told her I didn't love her. When my wife slapped my hands from her shoulder, it was it she shouted at me that she didn't love me. when she criticized me, it was the opposite of praise and made me feel very unloved. 

My wife and I kept saying we love you to each other, but got angrier and angrier and more and more hurt because we just didn't understand.

Find yourself a good board certified sex therapist, it is a lot less expensive than two divorce attorneys. Yes we were able to save our marriage, but it was hard.

Good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread, the OP is long gone.


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