# Husband is suddenly making me doubt him



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We are planning our anniversary coming up soon in August. He did want me to come visit him by flying in (hes 800 miles away). Now Hes wanting me to drive. He says air fare is too expensive. So I figured if I'm driving we could be more flexible about when I'm coming and when I'm leaving. 
(Our kids are staying with his parents) I briefly asked him, right before he went to bed, when he wanted me to leave. He said 4-5am Aug 9th because hes working Aug 9th. The drive is 12 hrs and will probably take me longer. I have never driven Farther than Colorado Springs to Denver by myself before. Aug 9th is our anniversary. I told him I didn't want to spend our anniversary driving all day and get there and be too tired to even notice him. He said "I'd be fine" 

I wasn't able to talk to him anymore about it without pissing him off right before he went to bed so I sent him an email, which will probably piss him off tomorrow morning. I just felt he waws not listening to me at all. In the email I told him that I will not start the drive on Aug 9th, that I had planned on driving before our anniversary. I also asked him why I can't be staying with him while he has to work. 

Hes starting to make me suspisiuos of him. I'm trying to gain trust in him, but it is really really hard when he does these things like he doesn't want me in the place hes staying while he is not there. 

I have not yet online registered our verizon cell phones, which he is the owner of the account. I also do not have access to his private email account. The reason I don't totally trust is because while we were sepeerated he online dated. He was still in contact with her when he was back with me, but not living with me yet. He supposedly cut her off in November, but I know her number was still in his phone contacts in December cause her name came up on his text list. 

I just need some advice here on what else I should tell my husband about when I should drive down and about his reluctance to have me stay with him while he is working. I'm sure my inlaws would be ok with me staying a couple of weeks, but I;m sure my husband might have only a few days planned for me to be there then have me drive back home


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Sorry, but why are you separated by 800 miles right now? How long has this been and how much longer will it be?

Easy for me to say but persoanlly I would not want my wife to make that drive by herself. Sure she is capable of doing it but I would want her to fly in. Is flying really that much more expensive than driving? Factor in the wear and tear on the vehicle let alone the driver and the cost of gas.

What am I missing here?

Yes I know I have not addressed your main question directly. But why would he want you to drive?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Well, if he cheated, you should have the password to his email. He should be transparent. 

But I'm not quite sure which day you drive in is worth making an issue over. And if he's truly worried about you being in his place, wouldn't he get rid of all evidence (if he is cheating) before you got there anyway? I'm not sure how that is suspicious but I do get that in the wake of infidelity it's hard not to be suspicious about everything.

I'd worry more about the email account if he was cheating online. Then again, he could have a million secret accounts if he really wanted to cheat.

And I can't imagine being so far apart is helping R.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Sorry, but why are you separated by 800 miles right now? How long has this been and how much longer will it be?
> 
> Easy for me to say but persoanlly I would not want my wife make that drive by herself. Sure she is capable of doing it but I would want her to fly in. Is flying really that much more expensive than driving? Factor in the wear and tear on the vehicle let alone the driver.
> 
> ...


We are seperated by 800 miles because hes been laid off for 6 months right after total reconsilation. Then we planned to move to where there is work, but we could not move because of our credit. So hes working to support his fmaily 800 miles away in the place he wants to move too.

I too think its going to cost just as much to drive and the wear and tear on the car too, but hes afraid there will be no flights availabel for a affordable price when we can afford it. We are still trying to catch up from him being off work for 6 months.

I'm worried about me driving all that way too sicne I've never done it alone before. I definatly don't want to do it on our anniversary. Our last anniversary was horrible and then shortly after that we seperated. I don't want to add a possible another really bad memory to our anniversary. God forbid that an accident happen on my way to see him, but it could happena dn I don't want it to be our anniversary that my almost paid off car gets totaled. I didn't tell him that because hed say I waws being negative again


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Zanna said:


> Well, if he cheated, you should have the password to his email. He should be transparent.
> 
> But I'm not quite sure which day you drive in is worth making an issue over. And if he's truly worried about you being in his place, wouldn't he get rid of all evidence (if he is cheating) before you got there anyway? I'm not sure how that is suspicious but I do get that in the wake of infidelity it's hard not to be suspicious about everything.
> 
> ...


He says he never cheated and that he didn't have an affair, even though when I peiced everything together he said he betrayed me. So he won't give me his email password and he won't be transparanet with me. I'm not sure how to go about asking him for the email password with out him gettign really pissed. I've given him our shared email passowr dnad my personal FB password. He didn't ask for them, but I told him what they were when I changed them and asked for his advice on to change them too becasue I have been hacked by his OW on FB.

He has a Gmail email....do you have to log in differently then regular emails? I've ben trying to guess his password since he won't give it to me, but I'm not sure exactly how to ask him to give it to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, he wants you to drive the best part of 1,000 miles? Then, a couple of days later, drive back again? Oh. OK.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> So, he wants you to drive the best part of 1,000 miles? Then, a couple of days later, drive back again? Oh. OK.


I'm actually not totally sure how long he wants me to stay yet. he just told me a couple days ago that he thought flying would be too expensive so he wants me to drive. We have not discussed how long I will stay.

I feel so horrible to have this much anxiety about not trusting him just because he seesm to want me to drive on our anniversary. I want to wake up with him on our anniversary(even if he has to work) and be there waiting for him when he gets home from work. I'm so filled with anxiety right now and not being able to communicate about it is so horrible!!! WAiting until tomorrow to communicate seems so long!! I was planning on being able to stay with him for at least a week even if he has to work. He seems to not want me to be there if hes working. I see it no different than when hes living at home and working. 

He does want to do something speacial for our anniversary so thats anohter reason I'm feeling so guilty for not trusting him at all. Hes planning on driving to San Diego once I get to AZ. Hes reserving a hotel room for the weekend and wants to go to the San Diego Zoo. I would really be happy just being with him wher hes staying in AZ, I love AZ!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you feel 100 percent confident in your ability to drive that far and that your car will be OK? If not, you might need to fly.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

America is one big country.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Do you feel 100 percent confident in your ability to drive that far and that your car will be OK? If not, you might need to fly.


Well no I don't feel 100% sure on my ability to drive there because I've never driven that far by myself. I'd like to have the freedom to do it though so I can feel more confident knowing I can do it myself. My fahter in law thinks I should have no problem. 

I do have GPS and I'm planning on leaving at 5am to hopefully get there before its night time, only driving in the dark in the place I'm familiar until the sun comes up. I don't drive well at all in the dark. 

I'm plannikng on getting my car all ready to go. Getting maintnace done on it, tires rotated and an alinement before i go. Also having it freshly filled with gas so I don't have to stop in the morning. Also having all my drinks and snacks in a container right next to me. planning on stopping along the way only for gas. I've been on many road trips with him and we can get there in under 12 hrs the way he drives. He uses cruise control, but I'm not planning on using it because it freaks me out.


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

time to start the investigation .. something doesent sound right .. i really hope he isnt cheating though


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

So I guess why I'm so filled with anxiety about why he wants me to drive starting on our anniversary Aug 9th is because when he was talking about flying me, he was talking about flying me in on like Aug 6th and me staying about a week. Then while he was at work I could just hang out at the pool. 

I don;t know why this all of a sudden date change. I guess tomorrow I'll suggest that I start driving on like Aug 6 or 7. I'll tell him while hes at work I can just work on my tan in the pool. 

Now that I'm thinking about it...maybe he doesn't trust me and thats why he doesn't want me there while hes working. I have several friends in AZ that have mentioned they want to hang out if I come down. I will have my own car, so what would be stopping me from going around town to see friends.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

viggling said:


> time to start the investigation .. something doesent sound right .. i really hope he isnt cheating though


I know it doesn't sound right to me either. I hope hes not cheating either. 

I'm asking him for the Verizon account password tomorrow telling him that I need it because my phone is acting a bit weird nad I need it to call verizon to have it replaced if it needs it. WE have insurance on the phones so thats a valid reason. PLus he already gave me the password (I swear), but maybe I have it wrong. 

It also could be the other way around that he doesn't trust me so thats why hes having me do my driving while hes working and then hed be home by the time I got there. I find it abit funny that he wants to drive to California as soon as I get to AZ to see him. Hes always wanted to take me to California though, I've never been in CA and he loves road trips just the 2 of us. 
The reason he could not be trusting me is because I've mentioned that my friends in AZ from my FB autism group want to meet up if I come down. Before our seperation he saw the time I spent on FB as sort of cheating and I had a dog breeder friend in AZ that I spent lots of time talking too. (I was a small hobby dog breeder before seperation) He also hates this dog breeder who is in AZ. So maybe hes not trusting me. 

All I plan on doing if I come down a few days before anniversary is working on my tan with no kids to distract me during his working hours.

I guess I should just calm down and talk to him about it tomorrow though. Just so hard not to think the worst. And very hard whern you have no time to talk to eachother. Its an hour tiem difference and he gets up at 3:45Am plus tomorrow he has a class that starts an hour after he gets off work. Meanwhile I'm here living with his parents and raising 3 special needs children...today one of them had a problem that seriously needed my attention. he doesn't like me talking about our kids at all.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I've made comments in other threads you've started, and once again im going to suggest that you both immediately start individual counseling and couples counseling shortly thereafter. There is so much to cover, and that's just in this thread, that I think you would greatly benefit from speaking with a professional about some of these issues.

You say you dont know how to ask him for his passwords? Its really simple...

"Hon, I have major anxiety associated with the level of secrecy tha exists in our marriage. I have been 100% open with you about all of my accounts, and I need you to do the same for me, starting with <account 1, 2, 3, etc> , thanks for understanding."

So many red flags, i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Paladin said:


> I've made comments in other threads you've started, and once again im going to suggest that you both immediately start individual counseling and couples counseling shortly thereafter. There is so much to cover, and that's just in this thread, that I think you would greatly benefit from speaking with a professional about some of these issues.
> 
> You say you dont know how to ask him for his passwords? Its really simple...
> 
> ...


Thanks!!! We do have a MC, but kind of hard to do if hes now 800 miles away. He told the MC that he did not have a affiar because it was during th etime we were seperated. The mC just aggreed with him. He kept sayign the past is the past and we need to move forward, she agreed with him. So and we still have these trust issues....ugh!!!

In the past if I ask him too many queations wher he feels he doesn't have enough space, he says you want to know when I **** too?? or "why would I have done all this stuff for you (IE: get cell phones together) if I wasn't seriuos about reconsilation.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> He says he never cheated and that he didn't have an affair, even though when I peiced everything together he said he betrayed me. So he won't give me his email password and he won't be transparanet with me. I'm not sure how to go about asking him for the email password with out him gettign really pissed. I've given him our shared email passowr dnad my personal FB password. He didn't ask for them, but I told him what they were when I changed them and asked for his advice on to change them too becasue I have been hacked by his OW on FB.





blueskies30 said:


> Thanks!!! We do have a MC, but kind of hard to do if hes now 800 miles away. He told the MC that he did not have a affiar because it was during th etime we were seperated. The mC just aggreed with him. He kept sayign the past is the past and we need to move forward, she agreed with him. So and we still have these trust issues....ugh!!!
> 
> In the past if I ask him too many queations wher he feels he doesn't have enough space, he says you want to know when I **** too?? or "why would I have done all this stuff for you (IE: get cell phones together) if I wasn't seriuos about reconsilation.


Out of everything you posted, these two smacked me in the face!!!!

He is rugsweeping. Even if he didn't have an affair he admitted to betraying you. That is enough for transparency in a marriage. He lied and betrayed you. He needs to work to make you feel safe again. 

If you can't communicate effectively during this very early stage of R and continue to communicate effectively going forward, it will be a false R. 

But it already sounds like it is a false R since #1 he never admitted to doing anything "wrong" other than betray you and #2 how defensive he gets about you questioning him....you are worried about him getting p!ssed all the time - NOT GOOD.

Please listen to the advice of TAM members who have experienced false Rs (myself included)


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

blueskies,

Paladin is right. There is no privacy in a marriage. From the Marriagebuilders website:

_In good marriages, couples become so interdependent that sharing a daily schedule is essential to their coordination of activities. But in weak marriages, couples are reluctant to provide their schedules, because they are often engaged in an assortment of Love Busters. They may know that their spouses would object to their activities, so they tell themselves, What they don't know won't hurt them. They have what I call a "secret second life."

But there are many who really have nothing to hide; yet they feel the need for privacy. They are offended when their spouse asks where they've been or what they've done. They feel that their spouse should trust them, and not assume the worst.

I'm dead-set against privacy in marriage, because it creates an unnecessary barrier to problem solving. When you and your spouse married, two became one. That means that prior to marriage, you had no one but yourself to consider when you made choices, and now you have each other to consider. There should be no part of your life that is off limits to your spouse, because literally everything that either of you do will ultimately affect each other. Privacy breeds incompatibility because it represents a part of your life that is off limits to accommodation.

Even when activities are innocent, it's extremely important for your spouse to understand what you do with your time. Be easy to check up on and find in an emergency. Give each other your daily schedules so you can communicate about how you spend your time. Since almost every thing you do will affect your spouse, it is important to explain what it is you do._

You don't have to ask any questions. Just simply tell him you need for both of you to be open, honest and transparent with each other in order to feel safe in the relationship. Remember, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

check priceline for for air fair, that way you know how much the plane ticket is. 

I would bet its not ALOT more then driving.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

If it is going to cost the same to fly as to drive..wear and tear, plus the cost of fuel, etc. Why not just fly? Don't you have any input in this as well? It is not just up to him to decide this. Have you checked out flights and compared what it would cost in fuel to drive 12 hours. 

I know myself it is a 12 hour drive to where my mom lives and with my vehicle it costs between $80 and $100.00 to fill up (I have a mid sized SUV so a gas guzzler) and if I have to fill up at least 3 or 4 times one way...that is pushing well over $500.00 in fuel for a return trip. The only thing is where my mom lives is quite rural so no opportunity to fly in and out.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi
Why is he making all the plans for the trip? I know I wouldn't be happy driving nearly a 1000 miles on my own. Have a look at your finances. Do YOU think you can afford the air fair?
He doesn't get to call all the shots here hon! Your plans should be made together. You need to do what is good for you too.

Id be very tempted to just turn up out of the blue myself. 
Wouldn't that be a nice surprise??!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've said it before, your husband is NOT doing what he needs to do in order for the two of you to reconcile.

If I were you I wouldn't put myself out for him. HE screwed around on YOU. HE is the one who should be bending over backwards to see you on your anniversary.

You don't even know what exactly he did when he cheated!! Why do you want to go running across half the country at his beck and call?!?!


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

You need to decide whether or not you want to go out there to be with him, AND if you do, you decide when you go....any chance you can line up a hotel (cheap) the day before? (And don't tell your husband!) You could pop up there as a "surprise".


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ok, Blueskies.

If you drove 800 miles and stayed at 60 MPH the entire trip it will cost you approx $125 in gas alone and will take about 14 hours. Factor in pit stops, traffic, food, and of course wear and tear on the vehicle and its a lot more. I just looked at a couple of websites. NY to Chicago is 790.1 miles so slightly less than 800. A plane trip can be purchased for less than $200 round trip. So what in the heck is your husband talking about? Its not much...if any....difference at all.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband said this morning that the place hes staying charges per person and thats the reason he doesn't want me to start driving until our anniversary. He said that he never has a chance to tell me these things.

Hes pissed this morning because I said that its not worth that I come down. He said yes it is. 

I really just don't think its worth it to drive 12+ hrs to see him and then have to tunr around in about 3 days and drive back home.

He said nothing is ever enough for me.

I'm so sad and dissapointed.

He did try to call me 3 times while he was at work, but I didn't answer. I don't want to be yelled at and I don't want to be responsible for the reason he might go home from work early or something


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

It just seems everything is ****ed up!! I'm going to call the place hes staying myself and see for myself if they are going to charge him to have booty calls from his wife or charge him for his wife to bring the kids so he can see them.

It just seems like its not worth it for him to be working out there. We are not gettign ahead in $$ at all and the plan is to save $$ so we can move to be together....


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I Definately think you need to be proactive now blue.
Try and e positive when you talk to him about it. Tell him you really want to
Spend time with him but you think the best option for you is to fly.aybe it would be best to discuss your other worries with him in person I think!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

BS30,

Why did you display your suspicions to him?

You could have gone there by air but telling him you are driving - on a stealth mode.

Go underground. Be patient. Collect irrefutable evidences.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I wish things dont happen the way they happened in Bandit.45's story.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

He's said that we will figure something out. He hasnt taken me seriously when I said its not worth it that I come. 
He said its only driving and it's easy, doesn't know why I'm making a big deal out of driving for 12+ hours to stay with him for 3-4 days then drive back 12+ hours. 

I think he's seriously disappointed that I'm thinking about not coming at all. 

I know he's got something special planned in California. He's been talking about it here snd there for a month now. First putting the idea out once about a month ago. Then asking me what I wanted to do if I came out to AZ. He mentioned things that I know we can do in CA. So I said in CA or AZ? He said I was going to suprise you. 

He's told me he doesn't want to fly me because he's pretty sure he's going to hear something from his parents so he doesn't want them to have to do anything for me.

Of note: my Husband is a strange man with strange OCD type things and strange fears and beliefs.

I just wish I didn't have to doubt his intentions because he cheated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You should tell him you either fly or do not go IMO. I mean really kibitzing over a few bucks is crazy. 

Yes, I have been out of work a couple of times and it is very tough. But this is ludicrous. 

Logistics may be rough but I think you need to be living with him now. Why can't you?

Do you really need to be paying for two places to live. No doubt logistics are tougher than I am making out but, you really cannot reconsile apart like this. Especially with him rug sweeping.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

He just really seems to be trying to control the situation and not let you be an adult and make your own decision on what the best way to travel would be.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> He has a Gmail email....do you have to log in differently then regular emails? I've ben trying to guess his password since he won't give it to me, but I'm not sure exactly how to ask him to give it to me.


Try going into the I can't access my account. enter his email address, and click on answer my security question. 
remember the security question and at some point ask him the security question in idle conversation. 
Then you can reset his passwords. 

I would then I would write a email saying congrats you have won one million dollars from the bank of nigeria. We just need you to email us back so we can finish the details of the money.


Then send it to his entire contact list.
LOL it will look like it was hacked by phishers. Plus you get free reign of his email until he gets the account fixed.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

vi_bride04 said:


> He just really seems to be trying to control the situation and not let you be an adult and make your own decision on what the best way to travel would be.


I agree with you here. He seems to want all the control since we have reconsiled. 

I told him I was not going to be spending the day of our anniversary driving that I am coming out before our anniversary. He was very upset about that saying that nothing is ever good enough for me. 

H emeialed him last night and hes not happy about the email I sent. This is what I said "

" I'm not driving on our anniversary. I'm not spending our anniversary driving all day. I dont see why you have to be off work for me to stay with you, why you don't want me there when your not there. I was planning on coming before our anniversary and then going out to dinner after you got off on our anniversary"

I don't see why that email has him upset all day at work today. I never said I was not coming in that email. Although I did tell him today through text that it just does not seem worth it for me to come see him. He said the reason he doesn't want me to come early while he is working is because the place hes staying chrges per persona nd he would have to pay extra for me. He said he always forgets to tell me importnat things like that.

I checked online on the places website how much it is for 1 person and how much it is for 2 people. Same room size and bed. Its the same price!!!

He seems to leave out a lot of information


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

So now there is a possible new twist to this. After I told him the drive is going to be 13 hours cause I just mapped it..he said "Ok, so what your point?" Then he said " If I can fly u, I will fly u, but honestly Id like 2 C our kiddos too"
"It will b almost 2 1/2 months sense I've seen u all"

Hes never told me that I'm also going to drive with 3 special needs children for a 13 hour drive on our anniversary.

I will not be going if hes wanting me to drive with our kids. Last time we drove together to AZ with all the kids, our son wiht autism didn't understand why we could not magically be home. He screamed the whole entire way. That was about 3-4 years ago and our son is not any better, hes actually regressed in his ability to understand what you say to him.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

badbane said:


> Try going into the I can't access my account. enter his email address, and click on answer my security question.
> remember the security question and at some point ask him the security question in idle conversation.
> Then you can reset his passwords.
> 
> ...


I might try this. Can I try accessing the account from regular windows email screeen or do I have to do something different since it is Gmail account


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I might try this. Can I try accessing the account from regular windows email screeen or do I have to do something different since it is Gmail account


http://gmail.com <--- website to log into Google Mail


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

vi_bride04 said:


> http://gmail.com <--- website to log into Google Mail


I tried the link it it says internet explorer can't access. I'm not sure if its my computer or not


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Why wouldn't he let you stay where he is living..why is he meeting you somewhere else? I went through some stuff with my husband when we were separated by distance and he would get mad at me on the phone and then not talk to me for like a day and with all these little clues I finally found out he was looking for other people through craigslist to "meet up" with..... I would be a little suspicious honestly why wouldnt he want you to come. I guess If I was you I would fly there not tell him and get a cab to his place and be like SURPRISE i'm here early for our anniversary I couldnt wait to see you....


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I agree with you here. He seems to want all the control since we have reconsiled.
> 
> I told him I was not going to be spending the day of our anniversary driving that I am coming out before our anniversary. He was very upset about that saying that nothing is ever good enough for me.
> 
> ...


Does he have a different life there like with a gf living two separate lives  ?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

sculley said:


> Does he have a different life there like with a gf living two separate lives  ?


I don't think he does, but there is no sure way for me to tell sicne I'm not there to see who is texting or where he is going. 

I ddi look up the place hes staying, put the contact in my phone nad I figured out that it does not cost anymore for me to be there with him.

I'm now thinking that I will show up unexpecdly for our anniversary


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I'm now thinking that I will show up unexpecdly for our anniversary


But prepare yourself mentally for anything. His irritation, his stonewalling, his blameshifting, his wanting you to bring the kids (making the trip impossible) all indicate some deep doo-doo. I hope it's not that way, and I'm so, so sorry. Of all things, for this to be tricky on your anniversary! If there is any way at all to try to gather info now, do it, and even though it's really, really hard to stay positive and upbeat, let that be your COVER so all irritation and bad behaviour is his. Let him be the unreasonable one. If you can find a way to surprise him, as a positive of course, you will either be pleasantly relieved or you'll throw a HUGE hook into his plans whatever those may be.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I'm now thinking that I will show up unexpecdly for our anniversary


I think this is the best idea. Just don't tell him you are thinking about doing this. Don't mention it at all! Just tell him you are going to suck it up and drive as it is important to spend time with him on your anniversary. Then fly there a day or two early. 

I am just really concerned about the control he has in this relationship. He lied to you about the extra charge in the room. Did he not think you would look up the information yourself? You aren't even sure how to log into Gmail. Does he keep this stuff from you on purpose so you can't check up on him? 

It just really really seems like he is not giving you any respect as an adult and human being. You seem very dependent on him, but probably due to the control he exhibits. You raise your kids 800 miles away from him which I'm sure isn't easy but you can handle it and do a good job I'm sure. Why can't he trust you to make a decision about what is best for you with this situation? 

Ok try this link for gmail. If you have an older computer 'gmail.com' may not resolve properly
GMAIL: http://mail.google.com


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> But prepare yourself mentally for anything. His irritation, his stonewalling, his blameshifting, his wanting you to bring the kids (making the trip impossible) all indicate some deep doo-doo. I hope it's not that way, and I'm so, so sorry. Of all things, for this to be tricky on your anniversary! If there is any way at all to try to gather info now, do it, and even though it's really, really hard to stay positive and upbeat, let that be your COVER so all irritation and bad behaviour is his. Let him be the unreasonable one. If you can find a way to surprise him, as a positive of course, you will either be pleasantly relieved or you'll throw a HUGE hook into his plans whatever those may be.


:iagree: 

Yes, be prepared. If you arrive early and he is in some shenanigans, be prepared for him to not be too happy you showed up early...

But his reaction to you arriving early will definately give you a better idea of where he is at emotionally. Start to prepare yourself for an angry/upset reaction as well as a happy/surprised one....


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm also gettign the password for our cell account which I should have had already. He had told me when opening he was going to use the same password as he always does. When I tried to get into the account last night it would not work.

My fear is that OW has contacted him and hes now interested in the excitment with her. Although he has been texting me just as often, calling me and has sent me a special card.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> My fear is that OW has contacted him and hes now interested in the excitment with her. Although he has been texting me just as often, calling me and has sent me a special card.


Texts, cards and any other "words" are easy for a cheater. Its the actions part they can't seem to nail down.....

If you were to stand back and look at his ACTIONS since he moved, what would they say?

Words mean nothing unless the actions go with them, please remember that!!!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

vi_bride04 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yes, be prepared. If you arrive early and he is in some shenanigans, be prepared for him to not be too happy you showed up early...
> 
> But his reaction to you arriving early will definately give you a better idea of where he is at emotionally. Start to prepare yourself for an angry/upset reaction as well as a happy/surprised one....


I do hope i can keep it a secret from him that I'm going to arrive early. I'm planning on driving. I have the address of where he is staying and have already mapped it. I don't know his room number yet, but I can call and ask, since i did alredy call to ask the question about his wife visiting him and that he is there for work.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> but I can call and ask, since i did alredy call to ask the question about his wife visiting him and that he is there for work.


One thought...you don't want the person at the desk to relay that information to him. You can do one of two things: 1. Wait until you arrive and then ask the person at the front desk and with your most wonderful and beautiful smile, say "I'm his wife and I'm here to surprise him for our anniversary" and show your license to prove your identity or whatever (-: OR 2. Ask him for his room number in the event you need to contact him via the hotel/lodging as back-up to his cell phone. Tell him that you'll feel safer while on the road by yourself knowing that you have a way to contact him via cell and directly to his room (-: 

Keep it all light and upbeat. And when you do drive....Oh, enjoy the drive, take scenic routes if that's possible, and enjoy your own wonderful company!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> One thought...you don't want the person at the desk to relay that information to him. You can do one of two things: 1. Wait until you arrive and then ask the person at the front desk and with your most wonderful and beautiful smile, say "I'm his wife and I'm here to surprise him for our anniversary" and show your license to prove your identity or whatever (-: OR 2. Ask him for his room number in the event you need to contact him via the hotel/lodging as back-up to his cell phone. Tell him that you'll feel safer while on the road by yourself knowing that you have a way to contact him via cell and directly to his room (-:
> 
> Keep it all light and upbeat. And when you do drive....Oh, enjoy the drive, take scenic routes if that's possible, and enjoy your own wonderful company!


Good point, I won't call and ask for his room number. Since I'm planning on driving there which my husband wants me to drive on the 9th, so I''l ask his room # and rmm phone # just in case I need it while I'm driving.

I am planning on driving out on the 7th or 8th.

My MIL believes that he is lying about something.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Good point, I won't call and ask for his room number. Since I'm planning on driving there which my husband wants me to drive on the 9th, so I''l ask his room # and rmm phone # just in case I need it while I'm driving.
> 
> I am planning on driving out on the 7th or 8th.
> 
> My MIL believes that he is lying about something.


This sounds like a promising decision. I might suggest that if your husband is up to something going on the 7th would be more successful. Its likely if you go on the 8th you might just find him making preparations for your arrival. Just a thought.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

OK SO i HACKED HIS EMAIL ACCOUNT!!! 

FOUN D OUT SOME THINGS i DIDNNT KNOW!!!
NOHTING RECENT THOUGH AND NOT THE GIRL THAT WAS HARRASING ME

Back in November we were in recinsolation and texting/talking several times everyday. I found an email that he sent to a girl, right after I took restraining order off him because he wanted to see me more and he wanted to save our marruage. I took a pic of that email.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Right now, you're gathering evidence of stuff you already know in your gut. If you still plan on driving out there (7th good idea), if at all possible try to keep what emotions you show to him under control. (Sadly, I'm not good at that at all, but when I did manage it, it always led me to the "next thing". Then of course, I exploded. Fun times.) Big hug.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Texts, cards and any other "words" are easy for a cheater. Its the actions part they can't seem to nail down.....
> 
> If you were to stand back and look at his ACTIONS since he moved, what would they say?
> 
> Words mean nothing unless the actions go with them, please remember that!!!!


Sometimes they will do that and keep up because they know if they slack that is the quickest way to know something is up.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Right now, you're gathering evidence of stuff you already know in your gut. If you still plan on driving out there (7th good idea), if at all possible try to keep what emotions you show to him under control. (Sadly, I'm not good at that at all, but when I did manage it, it always led me to the "next thing". Then of course, I exploded. Fun times.) Big hug.


I'm not very good at keeping my emotions under control either. I am still seriously planning on driving on the 7th. He already has accepted that I will be driving on the 8th, so hes expecting me. I'm just feeling guilty for leaving my children with my in laws for another day. That has me not 100% decided. My MIL seems very supportive of me finding out the truth from him though. My FIL thinks that maybe he did lie by omission about contecting a girl for a date during the same time he was saying he wanted to work on our marriage, but that he didn't act on it so I should not make a big deal over it basically.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't get this-why is he deciding how you travel and when you arrive? You can ask him and consider his input, but you are the one doing it, so you need to decide what works for you.

Look at the cost of driving vs. flying, and if it is not a considerable difference (based on what you and he typically agree is small change, so to speak), then make the reservation and fly. If he is not willing to let you fly (ie, he is really worried about the cost b/c you have credit issues), tell him to drive to you and/or meet at a nice place in the middle and have your anniversary there. 

If you are still feeling suspicious, then tell him what you need to feel more secure. If having access to his apartment when he is not there is important to you, tell him. Having an extra set of keys and an invitation to "drop in and surprise me" might be what you need to feel secure. He needs to understand and accept that your insecurities are the direct consequens of HIS actions, and until you have had enough time--on YOUR timetable, not his--to feel more secure, that is just the way it has to be IF he wants the marriage to continue. It's pretty simple--he cheated, so he has to pay the dues to earn the trust back. It does not matter WHY he cheated (that's for marriage counseling, if he felt something was missing in the marriage).


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I wonder if there is any updates to this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> Well no I don't feel 100% sure on my ability to drive there because I've never driven that far by myself. I'd like to have the freedom to do it though so I can feel more confident knowing I can do it myself. My fahter in law thinks I should have no problem.
> 
> I do have GPS and I'm planning on leaving at 5am to hopefully get there before its night time, only driving in the dark in the place I'm familiar until the sun comes up. I don't drive well at all in the dark.
> 
> I'm plannikng on getting my car all ready to go. Getting maintnace done on it, tires rotated and an alinement before i go. Also having it freshly filled with gas so I don't have to stop in the morning. Also having all my drinks and snacks in a container right next to me. planning on stopping along the way only for gas. I've been on many road trips with him and we can get there in under 12 hrs the way he drives. He uses cruise control, but I'm not planning on using it because it freaks me out.


By rotating, do you mean changing which wheels they are on? Some experts say this is not necessary, now. Check with your tyre person. He'll tell you what you need to do.

And have a good, safe trip!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Keep your emotions in check, in case you need....it.


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