# How should I treat the OM?



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Not too many will have experience on this subject, but given the valuable advice (I can say that saved my relationship) that I have been getting on this forum, I thought to ask.

When I am back in my country of birthplace, I'll meet the OM that my wife had a brief relationship affair with because he's a household employee of his father. I have two options: a) talk to him in a non-threatening way by saying that I didn't approve of what took place, or b) behave as if nothing has happened. What's your opinion? Note the relationship according to my wife is over.

Thanks,
M.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

if you do have to interact with him stay professional and only say what is needed to be said. if he pushes the issue then in a non threatening way say you know (he may try to tell if he thinks you don't know) and you and her are working on your marriage he is to stay out of it.

i am betting he slept with a married women who broke it off to stay with her husband so he should hang his head and not be able to look you in the eye.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

momof6girls said:


> if you do have to interact with him stay professional and only say what is needed to be said. if he pushes the issue then in a non threatening way say you know (he may try to tell if he thinks you don't know) and you and her are working on your marriage he is to stay out of it.
> 
> i am betting he slept with a married women who broke it off to stay with her husband so he should hang his head and not be able to look you in the eye.


I found out early enough. Just relationship no intimacy was involved.

thx,
M.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would make sure I stayed calm but I would have that conversation with the OM, just state that you know what went on between them and that you are working on your marriage and that you like him to respect that......
Tell him you will be watching to make sure no more contact takes place......
Hopefully that will put an end to it and you and your wife can move past this.......


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

In my circumstance (my wife also only had an EA ) the OM was a mutual friend of ours and the family was friends with my family. After all was out on the table, about a week after finding out we all agreed to never see each other or be in any contact with each other again. I actually approached him calmly and told him that I forgave him. Then he claimed he will always maintain his innocence on the whole matter and that he was only trying to be polite to my wife and meant nothing by any of those intimate texts HAHA  Even though he turned into a big wet douche at least I was able to get a load off by letting him know I forgave him. Just be calm and get the load off is what I suggest.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have won your prize and he lost. Unless he touched or disrespected my wife again, I would leave it alone and pretend I neither knew nor cared. I'm guessing your father doesn't know about this or this employee would have been fired long ago. If your father doesn't know, probably best to keep it that way. Causing a scene risks bringing this to the attention of your father. Your father might fire the employee but then you have to deal with a father that knows his daughter-in-law had the affair. 
I see no benefit to talking to this guy. Unless he's an idiot, he already knows you wouldn't approve.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> You have won your prize and he lost. Unless he touched or disrespected my wife again, I would leave it alone and pretend I neither knew nor cared. I'm guessing your father doesn't know about this or this employee would have been fired long ago. If your father doesn't know, probably best to keep it that way. Causing a scene risks bringing this to the attention of your father. Your father might fire the employee but then you have to deal with a father that knows his daughter-in-law had the affair.
> I see no benefit to talking to this guy. Unless he's an idiot, he already knows you wouldn't approve.


You make some good points. Very true. In my situation I actually had the wife of the OM call me up and beg me for the details of what happened and what texts were sent (I knew it all because my wife showed me or told me...but he had hidden everything from his wife). Their relationship was so unstable that I knew if I did tell her all the details it would have torn his family apart (and their kids too). So I kept it to myself. I think some things might be better left unsaid.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Thank you for your responses. A couple of explanations. The OEM was an employee of her father (not mine). And the cat is out of the hat. As a part of exposure, I told her father about it. She denied it and thus the employee is still there. Actually, he has been there for 20 years. Therefore, I want to tell the OEM that his boss doesn't approve of this either to kind of give him the fear of being fired if he does it again. What do you think?

BTW, where are all these acronyms defined, OM, OEM, EA, ... 

M.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here's a link for you! Common Message Board Abbreviations and Acronyms

Regarding the OM, I would speak to him in a business-like fashion and say, "I know about the relationship you had with my wife, and so does your employer. We do not approve and I do proof, but for now my wife has denied it and so your employment continues. Just wanted you to know that I do intend to fight for my marriage." 

Then walk away. That's really all that needs to be said. If she continues it or he tries, go straight to her father with proof and have him dismissed whether he's been there 20 years or 20 days is irrelevant.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He already knows you don't approve and he already knows her father wouldn't approve. I believe I would leave it alone. He took nothing that wasn't offered. The one who betrayed you was your wife and you have agreed to forgive her and drive on.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

How about something like this: "Treat (my wife's name goes here  like my wife because she is". And then walk away.

Thanks,
M.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> He already knows you don't approve and he already knows her father wouldn't approve. I believe I would leave it alone. He took nothing that wasn't offered. The one who betrayed you was your wife and you have agreed to forgive her and drive on.


You have a point here. But are we saying I should go to the OM and apologize for wife's behavior. Of course not. I will see this bozo as he's wife's household worker. I will see him next week. I want to put him in his place. I told W that I will talk to him but for obvious reasons she doesn't want me to. 

I am going to deliver a simple message to the guy (no black eyes ;-) I am simply going to tell her to stay away from my wife:

Something like," treat her like she's my wife." And then walkaway.

Should I tell wife that I talked to him?

M.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I could not be civil like proposed!

There would be an up against the wall threatening death and castration moment for sure.

OR

Dragging your wife by the arm to him and telling him to take his ***** and go--if the cheating is still ongoing.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

michzz said:


> I could not be civil like proposed!
> 
> There would be an up against the wall threatening death and castration moment for sure.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I should have been more clear. This was an EA that I figured up early enough before much progress into John Wayne style confrontation . . . Please read first post. 

Thanks,
M.


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