# Narcissist husband



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Hi everyone. I really believe that I am dealing with a narcissistic man. 
I will give a little background - when we first met, he swept me off of my feet. He was perfect. Said all of the right things, at the right times. Pretty soon, we were engaged and married... all within 7 months of knowing each other. I was so excited to get married. I knew that he had to be the one, even though we had not known each other long... because he was just "so perfect:.
I swear to god... the NIGHT we got married. Things changed. We did not even have sex the night we got married. He immediately became distant in so many ways. He was no longer attentive to my needs. When we DID have sex, it became to be all about him. He stopped pleasing me. He stopped telling me I'm pretty. 
A few months later, I was pregnant. Things only got worse from here. We had no physical contact at all. He watched porn daily, instead of wanting to have sex with me. He joked about the weight I gained (I have always been pretty thin... so the weight gain was a little hard on me and his jokes did get to me).
Fast forward to now, our most recent big fight was because I found messages in his phone between him and a girl at work. They had been texting and talking on the phone every day and night for over a month. I threatened to leave, and he put on this big show. Saying how much he loved me.. he made a mistake... he never actually cheated (not sure if I believe it because of our lack of sex). 
I feel torn. We have a child. We bought a house together not too long ago. What happened to the man I fell in love with?? Now, he is always making fun of me in some way. He is always right. He never comes home on time. He lies. I am pretty sure he has cheated. When we do have sex, it is ALL about him. I don't remember the last time he touched me. He also got a DUI a few weeks ago (his 3rd one in the last 5 years). He smokes weed daily. 
I am pretty sure I am dealing with a narc. He thinks hes the greatest. He thinks he is invincible. 

Sorry for the long post. Really just needed to vent. I do not know where to go from here. I should have dated him longer so that I could see how he really is. I wish I could go back in time. 
If I were to leave, I don't know how I could take care of my son on my own. I have moved hundreds of miles from my family with him (big mistake also!!). So, I feel stuck.
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*If he truly is a narcissist, as in he truly has NPD*, you need to make and execute your exit plan now. There is no fixing a relationship with someone with NPD. It is a very emotionally and possibly physically dangerous relationship. I was married to a woman with diagnosed NPD for 17 years.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Can't you move back home? You COULD start making plans with your family back home, without informing your husband. That sounds harsh, but you gotta do what you gotta do!


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I guess I COULD move home, although this is a great time to mention that I also believe that I was raised by a narc mother. She cheated on my dad like crazy. Basically treated him the same way my husband treats me. She ignored me for years and when she did finally come around, the narc abuse is terrible. She seems like this wonderful person to others who do not know her well, but she is always starting drama with me or other family members if we do not gossip with her, or if we do not do things her way. 
Part of me moving was to get away from all of that.... but now I am seeing my husband is exactly like my mother was (and still is) to me.
After being through all of this, I do think I have developed codependent behaviors, which make both situations (with husband and mom) worse. At this point, I almost feel as if I have lost my sense of self. I have seen a counselor before about all of this. Maybe it is time to go back.
Again, much of this is just to vent. And see if anyone else has been in this situation or some encouraging words.
Thanks!!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ah yes - only too familiar. Everyone is right - it will not get better. In fact, if you aren't feeding his narcissism, it could easily eventually become violent.

You need to leave for you and your child. It sounds like you were raised by a narc mother and if that is the case, do you want your own child to be subjected to that? Break the cycle now.

If you don't work, find a job and then leave. Your baby doesn't care if you have to share a 1 bedroom apartment. You'll be on your feet soon enough.

Don't go back home. Everything you do with your child will be criticized or your child will be criticized. It is not a healthy way to live. I lost myself, too. Doing this NOW will be so much easier than doing it later - at least you are aware.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes, go back to the counselor.

Do you work? Can you afford a small apartment? Create an exit plan. Start saving money; you will need it for a lawyer also because you share a child. 

The fact that he continues to drive drunk with 3 DUI's is a major concern. I don't have a problem with weed smoking but again, if he is driving high, he could get another DUI for that alone as it is considered an "influence." Does he drive under the influence with your child in the car?


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I do work part-time. I have been at my job for just over a year now, so I am hoping to get promoted to a full-time position soon (management has been talking about doing this for me). I have been applying for other full time jobs as well... in case that does not work out. 
We had plenty of money set aside, but now that he is on his 3RD dui, we are having to pay a lawyer tons of money to keep him out of jail so he can work. Our savings will be depleted after paying him off. 
With that said, I will try to set aside money. 
I feel so lost!


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Just from what you've written, he sounds like a narc and having a narc parent fits the pattern.

Also, empathic people are major targets for narcs, and what's worse is that they can be difficult to spot until you're already sucked in. We can end up 'co-dependent' if you want to call it that, because we feel like it's our job to help everyone and everything. It does not mean you are a deficient person. It means you're decent. 

I married one and later figured out my Dad is probably one too. My sister has narc tendencies but isn't full fledged (I think of it on a spectrum).

Your only option is to get out, period. As soon as possible. 

If he is NPD, he does not have any feeling for you, and never really did. You are just a prop to him.

Do whatever you need to to secure your own finances and separate yourself from him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> I guess I COULD move home, although this is a great time to mention that I also believe that I was raised by a narc mother. She cheated on my dad like crazy. Basically treated him the same way my husband treats me. She ignored me for years and when she did finally come around, the narc abuse is terrible. She seems like this wonderful person to others who do not know her well, but she is always starting drama with me or other family members if we do not gossip with her, or if we do not do things her way.
> Part of me moving was to get away from all of that.... but now I am seeing my husband is exactly like my mother was (and still is) to me.
> After being through all of this, I do think I have developed codependent behaviors, which make both situations (with husband and mom) worse. At this point, I almost feel as if I have lost my sense of self. I have seen a counselor before about all of this. Maybe it is time to go back.
> Again, much of this is just to vent. And see if anyone else has been in this situation or some encouraging words.
> Thanks!!


Does your mother have a diagnosis from a mental health professional?

How old are you and your husband?

How long have you been married?


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> ... when we first met, he swept me off of my feet. He was perfect. Said all of the right things, at the right times. Pretty soon, we were engaged and married... all within 7 months of knowing each other. I was so excited to get married. I knew that he had to be the one, even though we had not known each other long... because he was just "so perfect:. I swear to god... the NIGHT we got married. Things changed. ... What happened to the man I fell in love with?? Now, he is always making fun of me in some way. He is always right. He never comes home on time. He lies. I am pretty sure he has cheated. When we do have sex, it is ALL about him. I don't remember the last time he touched me. ... He thinks hes the greatest. He thinks he is invincible.


You were never in love with the real man. He reeled you in by showing you a mask. All narcissists are like that. Once you're not fulfilling whatever they needed you for, you're less than zero to them. (And they won't tell you what that need is/was. So don't even bother to try finding out. He won't tell you.)



thesky1291 said:


> Sorry for the long post. *Really just needed to vent.* ... I feel so lost!


All the other posters are spot-on. You will *never* change him, and you will never get that "Prince Charming" back. 

You have two options. One, you can stay, be miserable and have the pattern you experienced as a child repeated on your own child (by him). Or, you can get counseling, leave and find real happiness. You have to decide, though. I can guarantee you will not be happy with him, no matter what you do or try. And you are not doing your child any favors by staying, either.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

sunvalley said:


> You were never in love with the real man. He reeled you in by showing you a mask. All narcissists are like that. Once you're not fulfilling whatever they needed you for, you're less than zero to them. (And they won't tell you what that need is/was. So don't even bother to try finding out. He won't tell you.)
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for all of the replies!
I am 24 and he is 28. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. My mom has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. Never NPD (I hear this is hard for a doctor to actually diagnose???? Not sure).
I have felt depressed at times but I think it's one of those situations where I am NOT depressed, I am just surrounded by a holes. 

I keep wishing I could turn things around and make him fall for me again. Ugh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

thesky1291 said:


> Thanks for all of the replies!
> I am 24 and he is 28. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. My mom has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. Never NPD (I hear this is hard for a doctor to actually diagnose???? Not sure).
> I have felt depressed at times but I think it's one of those situations where I am NOT depressed, I am just surrounded by a holes.
> 
> ...


Again, if he is truly NPD, your wish will never come true, and he never fell for you in the first place. You were nothing but a tool, a food source for his NPD.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> I keep wishing I could turn things around and make him fall for me again. Ugh!


Hate to be blunt, but you won't. Now's the time to decide. Do you want to be miserable, chasing after phantoms, or with someone who truly loves and respects you?


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