# I Abandoned my Cheating Wife



## BashfulB

I’m new to this site and need some advice.

I married my wife four years ago. It was my first marriage and her second. We seemed to have had a good relationship and I thought all was well, but a little over three weeks ago I discovered she was having a full blown physical affair with a contractor who had worked on our house. When I followed her to his apartment and confronted them together, she made a huge scene and she and him both attacked me together. I managed to beat the crap out of him, but I ended up hitting her too and giving her a bloody nose. The neighbors called the cops and I was arrested. Her lover was arrested also on an outstanding drug warrant. 

I was charged with misdemeanor assault and I made my own bail that same night. When I got home around 3:00 a.m. my wife was not there. She was probably at her skanky girlfriend’s house crying on her shoulder. I told my stepson what had happened, then I packed my personal belongings and my guns and valuables up in my truck and I left that same morning. I immediately went to the bank and pulled out about $10,000 from an account we share. Then I drove away and have not been back home since. 

I am currently staying with a buddy at his place in a little unknown town about two states away. He has gotten me a job driving for his trucking company and I have no intention of going back to my cheating wife. Of course she has been texting me non-stop since that night, claiming she wants me back, that she has broken up with her lover, and apologizing for attacking me along with her boyfriend. She claims she was only trying to keep me from hurting him because I am much stronger ad bigger than him. But it is a lie. She attacked me because she was mad at me for breaking up her affair, and because she has a vicious temper. 

Her son is pissed at her too and he went and told all her family what she had done. He called me the other day to tell me she had kicked him out of the house after she found out he outed her to the in-laws.

Everyone is texting me and calling me and wondering where I am. I have told no one where I am at and now that I have a job here I feel I can start over. 

My question is, can I divorce my wife from the state I am currently living in, which has much more fairer divorce laws than the state my wife is in, or do I have to file in the state where she lives? I’m afraid if I try to divorce her back in her state she will be able to get more from me than she deserves. 

I also want to know from all of you if I should go back and confront my wife. My buddy has told me I can stay as long as I need and until I get a place here. But he also says I should not run from my problems. I don’t think I’m running from my problems. From where I am at I am able to think a lot clearer than I would if I was back there. Also, I’m afraid I would let her talk me into taking her back which I promised myself I would never do. She knew that cheating was the one thing that would break us up for sure. Well she did it and now she can choke on it. But I wanted to know what you all think.


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## SaltInWound

I am curious. What reason did she give you for the death of her first marriage?


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## walkonmars

If it were me I'd go back and initiate divorce proceedings there. 

But before that, I'd contact the toughest family law atty in your former hometown and tie down a few others with referrals (some offer free 1/2 hr referrals). That way this woman can't use them. 

You want to be smart and follow your atty's advice but regardless of how expensive it turns out to be it'll be money well spent. 

Move on.


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## hookares

Had I known that my cheating ex wife's two kids weren't fathered by me, I would have walked away from everything and let her find her own way to end our marriage. Not sure how it would have gone, but it could hardly have ended up any worse for me than it did by playing the idiot domestic court game.
Listen to the others.


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## karole

You have to file in the state where the defendant lives.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't know the laws, but asking a lawyer in your current town would be the first place to look. All they need is her signature of the papers for the divorce to happen. She does not need to attend to court with you. She will have to agree to your terms.

I left my ex h for the same reason. I packed up and left the day I found out he cheated. He kept threatening that he was going to contest against the divorce, but that was after he signed the papers. I paid for the divorce and I didn't ask for anything other then $200 in child support, which he tried to lower a few months later. I made an agreement where he wouldn't want to refuse.

Good luck, I hope everything works out in your favor.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> I’m new to this site and need some advice.
> 
> I married my wife four years ago. It was my first marriage and her second. We seemed to have had a good relationship and I thought all was well, but a little over three weeks ago I discovered she was having a full blown physical affair with a contractor who had worked on our house. When I followed her to his apartment and confronted them together, she made a huge scene and she and him both attacked me together. I managed to beat the crap out of him, but I ended up hitting her too and giving her a bloody nose. The neighbors called the cops and I was arrested. Her lover was arrested also on an outstanding drug warrant.
> 
> I was charged with misdemeanor assault and I made my own bail that same night. When I got home around 3:00 a.m. my wife was not there. She was probably at her skanky girlfriend’s house crying on her shoulder. I told my stepson what had happened, then I packed my personal belongings and my guns and valuables up in my truck and I left that same morning. I immediately went to the bank and pulled out about $10,000 from an account we share. Then I drove away and have not been back home since.
> 
> I am currently staying with a buddy at his place in a little unknown town about two states away. He has gotten me a job driving for his trucking company and I have no intention of going back to my cheating wife. Of course she has been texting me non-stop since that night, claiming she wants me back, that she has broken up with her lover, and apologizing for attacking me along with her boyfriend. She claims she was only trying to keep me from hurting him because I am much stronger ad bigger than him. But it is a lie. She attacked me because she was mad at me for breaking up her affair, and because she has a vicious temper.
> 
> Her son is pissed at her too and he went and told all her family what she had done. He called me the other day to tell me she had kicked him out of the house after she found out he outed her to the in-laws.
> 
> Everyone is texting me and calling me and wondering where I am. I have told no one where I am at and now that I have a job here I feel I can start over.
> 
> My question is, can I divorce my wife from the state I am currently living in, which has much more fairer divorce laws than the state my wife is in, or do I have to file in the state where she lives? I’m afraid if I try to divorce her back in her state she will be able to get more from me than she deserves.
> 
> I also want to know from all of you if I should go back and confront my wife. My buddy has told me I can stay as long as I need and until I get a place here. But he also says I should not run from my problems. I don’t think I’m running from my problems. From where I am at I am able to think a lot clearer than I would if I was back there. Also, I’m afraid I would let her talk me into taking her back which I promised myself I would never do. She knew that cheating was the one thing that would break us up for sure. Well she did it and now she can choke on it. But I wanted to know what you all think.


Head back to where you lived for a few days. Find the best lawyer you can hire. Tie the rest of the lawyers down by getting consultations (free) from them then she can't use them. Let a lawyer tell you what to do before you make decisions that will cost you more later. Lawyer might tell you to file from the new state. Hell, they might tell you to claim you are a battered spouse. If you get sick of her texts and calls just change your cell number. She helped a man attack you. Got you arrested. Fark her. No mercy.


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## Acabado

BashfulBull, great, incredible reaction.
Shark of a lawyer.
To the curb with her.

Save her texts where she admits attacking you!


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## Woodchuck

Acabado said:


> BashfulBull, great, incredible reaction.
> Shark of a lawyer.
> To the curb with her.
> 
> *Save her texts where she admits attacking you![/*QUOTE]
> 
> ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC ADVICE!!!!!!
> 
> the woodchuck


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## Decorum

Is the contractor married? Expose it to her, she has a right to know as well, even if she is seperated from him!

If you were my friend and you let her talk you into comming back I would kick you A$$, and if you were bigger than me I would wait until you were asleep, that what friends are for!


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## The Middleman

I'm not a lawyer so I can't answer your question. I'd seek legal advice ASAP. What I will say is:

I love the way you handled the situation, the OM got what he deserved; I'm sure it was worth the few bucks to you to get the satisfaction of dealing him some pain
Don't ever talk to your "wife" again; based on your posting, she's worthless. Besides, what could she possibly do or say to make you want to reconcile with her anyway .... especially after what she did to you.
Stay focused and don't contact her unless your lawyer tells you to.
 ... you are doing the right thing.


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## BashfulB

SaltInWound said:


> I am curious. What reason did she give you for the death of her first marriage?


Did I do this quote thing right?

My wife says her ex used to beat her and she ran from him and divorced him back around 2000. I met her in 2008 and we dated about a year before I let her talk me into marrying her. Looking back alot of what she told me about her first marriage didn't add up. My gut told me not to marry her, I should have never done it. 

I never met the ex and never thought to ask the in-laws if what she told me about him was true. They never talk about him so I figured he was dead to them. 

I asked my stepson if she cheated on his dad and he says not that he ever knew. So I don't know if she ever did this before.


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## BashfulB

walkonmars said:


> If it were me I'd go back and initiate divorce proceedings there.
> 
> But before that, I'd contact the toughest family law atty in your former hometown and tie down a few others with referrals (some offer free 1/2 hr referrals). That way this woman can't use them.
> 
> You want to be smart and follow your atty's advice but regardless of how expensive it turns out to be it'll be money well spent.
> 
> Move on.


That is what I thought. 

I have to appear the end of July for my court date. I think I'll go see a lawyer there and wrap up all my business at once. I just want to get this over with and get on with my life.


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## Acabado

I'm also so glad to hear step son exposed her to the family. He made you work!
Shame on her for kicking him out.


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## BashfulB

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Head back to where you lived for a few days. Find the best lawyer you can hire. Tie the rest of the lawyers down by getting consultations (free) from them then she can't use them. Let a lawyer tell you what to do before you make decisions that will cost you more later. Lawyer might tell you to file from the new state. Hell, they might tell you to claim you are a battered spouse. If you get sick of her texts and calls just change your cell number. She helped a man attack you. Got you arrested. Fark her. No mercy.


That's going to be my plan. I may go see the lawyer who did a medical claim for me back about ten years ago. She is real competent and mean as a snake. Too bad she's married...I'd ask her out. Ha ha!


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## harrybrown

Do not ever go back. She attacked you and chose the OM over you.


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## lenzi

Divorce her in the state where she lives, and do it all via attorneys so you don't have to deal with her.

The laws don't vary all that much between states as far as asset distribution goes, you each get half of anything obtained during the marriage, anything you had before is your separate property and she has no claim for it as long as you can prove it.

Support laws do vary somewhat but it appears you have no children so no worries there, it's only the spousal support that get you.


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## larry.gray

Were the charges dropped? If not, don't be hiding from them, that will definitely make things worse.


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## BashfulB

Decorum said:


> Is the contractor married? Expose it to her, she has a right to know as well, even if she is seperated from him!
> 
> If you were my friend and you let her talk you into comming back I would kick you A$$, and if you were bigger than me I would wait until you were asleep, that what friends are for!


No the dirtbag isn't married. He is a skinny, scrawny tatooed ex-biker type who must have gotten in a wreck some time ago because he walks with a cane. A scumbag in every sense of the word. His eyes got as big as saucers when he saw me pull ino that parking lot and climb out of the truck. 

I'm 6'3", 355 pounds.


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## BashfulB

harrybrown said:


> Do not ever go back. She attacked you and chose the OM over you.


That's exactly what my stepson says. 

You know, I will probably get bashed by the women here, but I got more satisfaction backhanding my wife and knocking her on her butt than I did beating loverboy's behind. 

I've never struck a woman in my life, but I don't feel bad about it.


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## BashfulB

larry.gray said:


> Were the charges dropped? If not, don't be hiding from them, that will definitely make things worse.


No, I have to appear in court at the end of July. So I have to go back anyways. 

I was the one who initiated the fight, so I will stand up and take my punishment like a man. They only charged me with one count of attacking him. 

I guess my wife told them some story because I wasn't charged for hitting her. I guess I owe her that much.


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## BashfulB

lenzi said:


> Divorce her in the state where she lives, and do it all via attorneys so you don't have to deal with her.
> 
> The laws don't vary all that much between states as far as asset distribution goes, you each get half of anything obtained during the marriage, anything you had before is your separate property and she has no claim for it as long as you can prove it.
> 
> Support laws do vary somewhat but it appears you have no children so no worries there, it's only the spousal support that get you.


My wife and I don't have anything to split. There is no alimony in her state that I know of. The house is a rental. 

I have never had a pot to piss in. I don't make much as a truck driver, and my wife has bounced from job to job. We only have about $23,000 in a money market account and that came from a big bonus I made on a driving job I did in Alaska three years ago. I took less than half of that when I left her. She can have the rest. I don't want it.


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## BK23

lenzi said:


> Divorce her in the state where she lives, and do it all via attorneys so you don't have to deal with her.
> 
> The laws don't vary all that much between states as far as asset distribution goes, you each get half of anything obtained during the marriage, anything you had before is your separate property and she has no claim for it as long as you can prove it.
> 
> Support laws do vary somewhat but it appears you have no children so no worries there, it's only the spousal support that get you.


This is not strictly true. States employ varying definitions of what constitutes marital property. Even more important, not all states split marital property down the middle. Talk to a lawyer about getting the most favorable venue possible. Chances are you will end up in your wife's state whether you like it or not. (I'm assuming this is where you got married, and where you maintained your marital home?).


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## Shaggy

He's a contractor? Call both the BB and the state licensing board and report him.

He did work for you? Sue him in small claims court for what you paid him.

I'm curious, he's a contractor and you rent. So what did he do for you?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BK23 said:


> This is not strictly true. States employ varying definitions of what constitutes marital property. Even more important, not all states split marital property down the middle. Talk to a lawyer about getting the most favorable venue possible. Chances are you will end up in your wife's state whether you like it or not. (I'm assuming this is where you got married, and where you maintained your marital home?).


I agree completely. People forget not all states are 50/50. Some are equitable like NY. Also, Residency requirements are top of the list for divorce petitions.


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## Decorum

Shades of Disenchanted another damaged cheating limp ****ed gimp.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/55934-my-wife-has-completely-destroyed-me.html



BashfulBull said:


> No the dirtbag isn't married. He is a skinny, scrawny tatooed ex-biker type who must have gotten in a wreck some time ago because he walks with a cane. A scumbag in every sense of the word. His eyes got as big as saucers when he saw me pull ino that parking lot and climb out of the truck.
> 
> I'm 6'3", 355 pounds.


yep definately have to hit you with a 2x4 when you were sleeping, tough love brother! (Kidding)

You are calling it right, hope the future is better for you.


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## Hortensia

If you have nothing to split, then I think you are done no matter where you file for divorce. Good for you that you dumped her ! And even greater that you started over in another state, trigger-free and far from her toxic presence. 
Good for you for punching her nose, too.She deserved it. Not for cheating, the solution for cheating is divorce not violence. But because she attacked you together with the OM- WHAT A NERVE !!!
She deserves the broken nose and worse. Never even give a frozen sh!t about her.


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## Betrayedred

I don't normally agree with physical violence, especially because my WH and I had more than one physical fight ( he is 6'3", 260& I am 4'11", 135 lbs when not pregnant) that did end well. However, in this case---enjoy your satisfaction! She chose another man over you, and physically attacked you. 

Sigh. This world is messed up.


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## BashfulB

I did not actually punch her. I backhanded her after she jumped on my back to get me off her boyfriend. I threw her off and spun around and slapped her across the nose with the back of my hand. Lost my temper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

These thoughts if her having sex with the guy are really doing a number on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedred

Stop playing the mind movies over and over in your head. They are worse than the reality. And I guarantee you that it's not worth the energy that you are using to play them over and over. Hurt, yes. Mourn, yes. But don't give her more power than she deserves (which is none) by p,aging the mind movies.


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## BashfulB

Well I did get one piece of revenge. I took our dog with me. My wife loves that dog. It's killing her that I have him. Probably over half the texts she sends me are asking how the dog is doing. 

One damn thing is for sure, she will never see him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> He's a contractor? Call both the BB and the state licensing board and report him.
> 
> He did work for you? Sue him in small claims court for what you paid him.
> 
> I'm curious, he's a contractor and you rent. So what did he do for you?


The landlord hired him. He does all the air conditioning work for the landlord. He came over about two months ago to get the AC ready for summer. I guess that's when the wife and him met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> These thoughts if her having sex with the guy are really doing a number on me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Be very dissapointed in her.

She is not the person you thought she was, she is not the woman you thought you loved. She has shown you who she is, she is just a piece of meat.

I know it sounds all Jedi but dont fight the thoughts, change your expectation of her and disarm them.

No anger, jealously, revenge, just cool dispassionate indifference. Move toward that.


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## LostViking

BB there is really no way to keep the mind movies at bay. You just have to muddle through them. The next few months are going to be very hard for you. But after time they start to fade out. Reading, doing some form of arts or crafts, or doing anything else creative, can help shift your mind into another gear an alleviate some of those thoughts. 

I'm very sorry this happened to you, but I think your response to the situation was a good one. Its one thing to cheat on your husband with another man, quite another to attack your husband when he goes after your affair partner. 

Your wife is the worst kind of cheater there is. Thank your lucky stars you discovered this and that it wasn't drug out over a long time.


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## Rottdad42

Well I have to say this, good for you man. Another guy with a spine. To answer your question, you can file in another state. Depending on the county in which you file. Example, Nevada after six month separation and amicable division of property, 30 days from file judge signs the order. That is what worked for me. Look into it and do your homework. IMHO, this situation is probably not the first time. What really ended her first marriage, anyway good luck.


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## Ovid

Decorum said:


> *dont fight the thoughts, change your expectation of her and disarm them.*


This really is what yopu have to do. Your feelings toward your wife are based on your expectations. See her for who she is and the mind movies lose their power.


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## Rugs

YAY BASHFUL!! You did the right thing. Don't look back and you will be fine in a few months. 

Way to read someone handle their business. HANG IN THERE.


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## Shaggy

BashfulBull said:


> The landlord hired him. He does all the air conditioning work for the landlord. He came over about two months ago to get the AC ready for summer. I guess that's when the wife and him met.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you definitely should contact and expose to the landlord that this guy is boinking tenets , and likely doing it while supposedly working too.

So you can help him loose that business,

Does he have a business name that he owns that he does this under? If so put up a nasty yelp review etc.


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## Numbersixxx

BashfulBull said:


> That's exactly what my stepson says.
> 
> You know, I will probably get bashed by the women here, but I got more satisfaction backhanding my wife and knocking her on her butt than I did beating loverboy's behind.
> 
> I've never struck a woman in my life, but I don't feel bad about it.


She attacked you first, so she deserved it.


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## Thorburn

My take on this. Do what you have to do to end the M. Don't mess with all the attorneys. Find a good one and see if your wife will mediate. It will be the cheapest option for both of you to sit down and just end it. As far as court goes don't just take it as a man. Be smart about it. Talk to an attorney and see if you can get a lesser charge. Your emotions are going a mile a minute and manning up at this point may burn you down the road. 

If you are moving on, then move on and do it as easily as you can. Forget the drama it is not worth it and takes up too much energy and she is not worth it.


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## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> Then you definitely should contact and expose to the landlord that this guy is boinking tenets , and likely doing it while supposedly working too.
> 
> So you can help him loose that business,
> 
> Does he have a business name that he owns that he does this under? If so put up a nasty yelp review etc.


Yes I think I will do this. I also want to ask the landlord if there is anything I can do to prevent the scumbag boyfriend from moving in with my wife. My name is on the lease and the lease is not up for another year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

Numbersixxx said:


> She attacked you first, so she deserved it.


I instigated by pushing him out if the way and grabbing her arm. I was going to haul her to my truck and take her home. When I grabbed her is when she went ape and started screaming at me not to touch her. She pulled away and I went to grab her again and that's when he hit me with his cane on my back. Then I spun around and gave him a haymaker to the jaw and knocked him down. Then I jumped on him and wailed on him until she jumped on my back and was digging her fingernails into my face and trying to twist my head around. I stood up and threw her off and that's when I spun around and smacked her. It was a wild fight. The look on her face when I hit her I will never forget.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

Never expected her to turn on me like that. Not in a million years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad

BB you definitely need distance from your wife. Your relationship is not healthy. Sorry to hear about how it ended. I do agree with the idea of attempting to mediate a fast divorce to put this behind you as quickly as possible while minimizing the drama. 

As a divorced BS I can tell you that you can rebuild your life and this time your do over will not include a disloyal spouse Focus on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

How come they let you go Interstate when you are on bail? You did tell them, didn’t you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

MattMatt said:


> How come they let you go Interstate when you are on bail? You did tell them, didn’t you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I posted bond. You can go out of state for misdemeanor charges as long as you make it back for your court date.


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## Vanguard

Good. Now bury her.

I'm proud of you.


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## WhatWhere

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

BashfulBull said:


> I posted bond. You can go out of state for misdemeanor charges as long as you make it back for your court date.


I'm thinking be careful and don't relax with the chargues. I admit I have no idea if she can make things worse for you at this point. Just in case...
Think about this scenario at the police station: 
Sh!t just got caught, people is watching me, I'm losing him for good I feel guilty, that was a Jerry Springer thing, OM is a loser and there's no future there (even had drug pendant chargues), I will make it easy on BH, maybe there's a chance...
Therefore she declared with this mindset and the chargues were misdemeanor.
... But you got the dog, told step son who told family (so you are to blame), went dark on her, refuse to text back. She gets angry, blames you for catching her, for blowing the marriage and she now has nothing. She regrets her declaration, she had to screw you on this.


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## LostViking

BB does your wife have a history of drug abuse? That may be the reason for her cheating. You said the OM had a warrant out for his arrest for drug charges. 

I'll bet good money he got her hooked on something. She may have very well been wired on coke or meth or something like that when she attacked you.


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## BashfulB

I know my wife was pretty wild in her younger days, and yes she went through a phase with cocaine. But as far as doing hard drugs during our marriage? No, I never noticed anything suspicious. 

I admit my wife and I would occasionally smoke pot, but that was rare. I can count on one hand how many times we got high together. To be honest, I am the one who tends to drink and party too much. My wife has always been pretty temperate. 

But this experience has proven to me that anything is possible. If she was strung out when she attacked me, then that would go a long way in explaing why she turned coat on me.


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## TDSC60

If you have not done so already, contact the shark lawyer that you mentioned earlier and get her to advise you on the assault case. Do not walk in the court without a lawyer!

Forget the "take it like a man" stuff. That worked and was admirable 100 years ago. But with today's court system you almost need a lawyer for anything more than a parking ticket to make sure you don't get screwed by the system. Do this NOW. Do not wait until the court date is a week or two away.

Be smart. 

As for the wife, you can hire the same attorney to handle the divorce.


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## doubletrouble

It's not very Christian, but man what I would give to punch my wife's AP like that. I get a little thrill out of the thought just reading your posts. 

Hitting a woman, like you, I have it in my mind I'll never do that. If she was on me scratching my face and all that, I'm thinking it would be a primal, innate self defense move rather than a desire to hit a woman. At some point, regardless of gender, whoever's attacking you has to be stopped. 

You're getting good advice and it's clear you are DONE. If she can work with you at ALL, you could get a mediated divorce and keep it out of the series of court dates and all that goes with it. I tried to mediate my last divorce (and I mean LAST) but it didn't go well so I had to do the court route anyway. A good way to totally waste $800 for 4 hours listening to the ex talk about emotional stuff. 

Sounds like you druther NOT see your stbx again anyway. Wish I woulda kept my dog. 

This story is good fodder for those of us on here who have seen so many messy things get worse because the BS can't seem to take any action for the longest time. No confusion on you! 

God bless


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## BashfulB

I just got this string of e-mails from my wife. I went ahead and engaged her a little for the first time since I left. Check out her thought process.




7:47 a.m. Why haven’t you been answering? I know you are getting my msgs. 

7:55 a.m. Talk to me please. 

8:01 a.m. I can’t believe you are going to throw away our marriage because I f*cked up. I told you I’m sorry and I mean it. How many times do I have to say it? 

8:02 a.m. Will you just let me know you are okay? 

*8:10 a.m. Me: I’m okay. Funny you are worried about my well-being now. You did not seem worried when you and your boyfriend ganged up on me. *

8.11 a.m. I’m glad you are okay. 

8:11 a.m.	And that is not what happened and you know it. I was trying to keep you from hurting him and I didn’t want you to go to jail. You completely overreacted. 

8:12 a.m.	Hello?

8:13 a.m.	Where did you go? 

*8:14 a.m. Me: How am I supposed to react when I find out my wife has been f*cking another man and then see her kissing him in a parking lot? How would you react if you saw me kissing another woman and knew I had been screwing her? *

8:15 a.m.	What do you want me to say to you T*m? How do I make this right? I met him and we got carried away. I never meant for any of this to happen. It was a mistake and I’m sorry. Please come home so we can work this out. I’m not seeing him anymore. I won’t ever see him again I promise. I love you and I want things to be the way they were before.

8:20 a.m.	Hello? Why do you keep leaving? 

8:25 a.m.	T*m where did you go? 

*8:26 a.m. Me: Things can’t be the way they were ever again. Obviously things were not as good as I thought because you went outside our marriage and had sex with a piece of sh*t scumbag. How can I ever be around you knowing you defiled yourself with that filth? And as for what happened in that parking lot? I was there. You jumped me and tried to rip my head off. I have the scratches on my face to prove it. How am I supposed to ever trust your cheating a*s again? You are not the woman I thought you were. What you did was a choice and not a mistake. *

8:27 a.m.	You can think what you want. And that is not the way it happened and you know it. You had no right to come there and try to manhandle me. Yes, I shouldn’t have cheated on you. That was wrong and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. But it was just as wrong for you to attack a man who is smaller and weaker than you. 

8:28 a.m.	And for what it is worth I only had sex with him that day before you came over there. And it wasn’t even that good. You are much better than him in bed. 

*8:30 a.m. Me: Oh that just makes me feel so much better. How sensitive of you to only f*ck him one time. No way you only f*cked him once. You can’t keep from lying can you? *

8:30 a.m.	Whatever T*m. Think what you want. 

*8:31 a.m. Me: You know what? Save your half-assed apologies for someone who gives a sh*t. I want to divorce, and I don’t want to drag this out. You take your things and I’ll take my things, we’ll let the lease on the house run out and we’ll go our separate ways. I can get a mediator to draw up a divorce agreement for way cheaper than a lawyer can. I’ll pay all the fees. All you have to do is sign the agreement. I’ll make it easy for you. Then once we are legally separated you can go out and sleaze it up with all the bikers and drug dealers you want. *

8:32 a.m. Do whatever you want T*m. I’m through. 


That is the way it has been going back and forth. She continues to defend her OM. No remorse. Nothing. Nice huh?


----------



## workindad

You will be better off without her in your life. 

Do yourself a favor. Stop responding to her texts. Go dark for now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

That is the Cheater's script. Deny, lie to cover it up, rewrite history, and TT the details, all the while minimizing and making the BS to be the cause and issue and under playing their part in it for both the EA and PA side of things. This is not unexpected behavior and possibly related to the fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

BashfulBull said:


> 8:27 a.m.	You can think what you want. And that is not the way it happened and you know it. You had no right to come there and try to manhandle me. Yes, I shouldn’t have cheated on you. That was wrong and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. But it was just as wrong for you to attack a man who is smaller and weaker than you.


This says it all. A little of humility? Not, entitlement all the way plus defending the poor guy.
You had no right. 
:rofl:


----------



## BashfulB

This whole thing is a nightmare. 

The thing is, if you met my wife, she comes across as a very well spoken, clean cut, white bread type of presentable lady. There is nothing outwardly scuzzy about her. She dresses neatly and conservative, isn't festooned with tats and piercings, and she's in very good shape and looks much younger than her 43 years. 

I can't wrap my head around her actually dating and having sex with this guy who looks like a cast member from *Sons of Anarchy*. 

I just don't get it. I'm not a bad guy. I work hard, never been arrested, I'm big but not fat. I don't think I look bad for a 45 year old. I try to dress halfway neatly. I help out around the house, help cook, do all the handyman stuff and car repairs that a blue collar guy is supposed to do. I always thought if you took care of your woman, treated her right, helped out, and told her I loved her enough that I was doing what a husband was supposed to do. 

I'm not a particularly nice guy either. I was a Marine, I work in trucking and constructiuon, I've had lots of women in my time and I have my share of sordid tales. I can handle myself and I don't back down from a fight. 

I thought I was a good husband. I just don't get it.


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> This whole thing is a nightmare.
> 
> The thing is, if you met my wife, she comes across as a very well spoken, clean cut, white bread type of presentable lady. There is nothing outwardly scuzzy about her. She dresses neatly and conservative, isn't festooned with tats and piercings, and she's in very good shape and looks much younger than her 43 years.
> 
> I can't wrap my head around her actually dating and having sex with this guy who looks like a cst member from *Sons of Anarchy. [/B]
> I hear you brother and feel your pain. I did the same thing, yet found that my wife reacted in the same way. It feels like the worst betrayal that could ever happen and makes you start to wonder about every little thing that has been done over the years and whether or not the marriage and your perceptions have all been one big lie????
> 
> I just don't get it. I'm not a bad guy. I work hard, never been arrested, I'm big but not fat. I don't think I look bad for a 45 year old. I try to dress halfway neatly. I help out around the house, help cook, do all the handyman stuff and car repairs that a blue collar guy is supposed to do. I always thought if you took care of your woman, treated her right, helped out, and told her I loved her enough that I was doing what a husband was supposed to do.
> 
> I just don't get it.*


*
Posted via Mobile Device*


----------



## ThePheonix

karole said:


> You have to file in the state where the defendant lives.


The two requirements (there may be more) for filing for a divorce where spouses live in different states are the person filing must be a resident of the state where they are filing and the court must have jurisdiction over both parties. In general this means that BB's wife would have to consent to jurisdiction which is probably not likely. Moreover, it would take months for BB to meet the residency requirements of the state he now resides. 
(not intended and should not be construed to be legal advice)


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## BashfulB

I'll be filing in her state. I just talked to a lawyer yesterday and she is putting me in touch with a paralegal who does mediation.


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## Shaggy

Call the landlord and expose the guy. When you get a text from her calling you out on it, you'll know they are still in touch,

Btw, notice how quickly she went from doing anything to her being out of there? Shows zero remorse and zero real willingness to do anything.

Want to mess with her, subtly mention to her that you are thinking about making some "mistakes" to now that there is no longer anyone for you to be faithful to.


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## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> Call the landlord and expose the guy. When you get a text from her calling you out on it, you'll know they are still in touch,
> 
> Btw, notice how quickly she went from doing anything to her being out of there? Shows zero remorse and zero real willingness to do anything.
> 
> Want to mess with her, subtly mention to her that you are thinking about making some "mistakes" to now that there is no longer anyone for you to be faithful to.


The landlord is out of town for the whole 4th of July week, so I plan to call him Monday next. 

You know since I've been here in this little one-horse town I've had two women hit on me. Didn't take long, especially now that I'm not wearing my ring. 

I haven't responded back to my wife's texts in a while, but one of the things she asked me a little bit ago is if I'm seeing somebody or if I've had sex with anyone. She thinks that's why I really want to divorce.


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## Shaggy

Btw, I suggest you do not start anything new until you are D'd.


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## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> Btw, I suggest you do not start anything new until you are D'd.


I wont. 

I've been reading alot of these threads over the past couple of days. Man this cheating sh*t is like a plague. So sad some of the stuff all these TAM people have been through. Some of the stories here make me sick and make my problem look like nothing.


----------



## SoulStorm

BashfulBull said:


> I wont.
> 
> I've been reading alot of these threads over the past couple of days. Man this cheating sh*t is like a plague. So sad some of the stuff all these TAM people have been through. Some of the stories here make me sick and make my problem look like nothing.


Has she texted you anymore since that last string you posted?
Is she even getting close to remorse?
Sounds like a lot of blameshifting and gaslighting.
"That's not the way it happened and you know it"

I guess her version is she and the OM were the victims


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> I haven't responded back to my wife's texts in a while, but one of the things she asked me a little bit ago is if I'm seeing somebody or if I've had sex with anyone. She thinks that's why I really want to divorce.


Wow she really doesn't get it does she.


----------



## Suspecting

How did you initially catch them?


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> I haven't responded back to my wife's texts in a while, but one of the things she asked me a little bit ago is if I'm seeing somebody or if I've had sex with anyone. She thinks that's why I really want to divorce.


BB, I hope I am not to direct here but in a few words, we see this all the time.

1. The ws does not want to be the bad guy, she is hoping you "went first". The cheater label sticks! (and they know it)

2.She wants to know if she has competition.

3. She knows it is not true but wants to manipulate you to keep you talking to her, go dark!

ETA #4 What you said...


BashfulBull said:


> I guess she thinks if she does it then naturally I would be doing it too.






BashfulBull said:


> I thought I was a good husband. I just don't get it.


Again not to be to direct but every guy (mostly) thinks this way.

You are asking the wrong question. Trying to apply logic to biology. She followed her biology and there was not enough character there to stop it. Its who she is and she has shown you that.

We have a saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."

You are dead on that it was not a mistake but a choice, that is what separates us from dogs and cats.

We are part angel and part animal, so to speak.

A person can recover, work on themselves, and be a better person, but I have never seen it happen with someone who excuses, justifies or blames away their behavior. Which is what you ws is doing, showing NO remorse.

So you will never "get it" period!!!!!

A good woman who knows what she has will not risk it because of the damage it does to her husband, herself and everyone involved. This goes without saying.

Don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out why dogs breed.

But you will have to do some self evaluation, eventually, to improve yourself and heal and move on from this, life means growth!

Take care big guy!


----------



## BashfulB

SoulStorm said:


> Has she texted you anymore since that last string you posted?
> Is she even getting close to remorse?
> Sounds like a lot of blameshifting and gaslighting.
> "That's not the way it happened and you know it"
> 
> I guess her version is she and the OM were the victims


Oh yeah. I get twenty texts a day from her. She's pissed again because I'm not responding. I'm going fully dark now. I may call Sprint and have her number blocked. 

Oh absolutely, her boyfriend is the victim. Poor, tough, tat man got his ass handed to him for f*cking another man's wife.


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## BashfulB

Jasel said:


> Wow she really doesn't get it does she.


I guess she thinks if she does it then naturally I would be doing it too. She's messed up.


----------



## BashfulB

Suspecting said:


> How did you initially catch them?


Used her phone to call my mom and the text msg showed up on the screen with "hey baby" or somesuch. I got into her texts and read through about four days of filth. I actually had to go in the back yard and throw up. 

Anyway they talked about wanting to see each other again but had to wait until her "idiot husband" was gone out of town on a driving job. 

So next day I lie to her and tell her I'll be gone a couple of days running a trailer somewhere. I left that morning but came back a while later and sure as sh*t she got in her car all dolled up, and I followed her from a distance to his apartment. Saw her walk in. 

I went down the street to a diner and waited there for about an hour then I texted her and told her I was home and that the driving job was cancelled and where was she? She said she would be home in thirty minutes.

I waited about five minutes got back in my truck and drove back to the apartments and parked where I was just down the street but could see her car. When they came walking out together they started kissing by her car and thats when I drove in and surprised them .


----------



## SoulStorm

BashfulBull said:


> Oh yeah. I get twenty texts a day from her. She's pissed again because I'm not responding. I'm going fully dark now. I may call Sprint and have her number blocked.
> 
> Oh absolutely, her boyfriend is the victim. Poor, tough, tat man got his ass handed to him for f*cking another man's wife.


She is going to fold because she realizes she has lost control.
The Mr. Nice Guy Bashful Bull is gone and she can't handle it.
She thought she had you pegged.
The look on her face when you back handed her said it all..she realized then that she didn't have as much control as she thought she did.
A wayward, until they experience true remorse, is a cold blooded killer. It will always be your fault.
Like right now..she's mad because you are not responding. The reason she is mad? Because she has no control and realizes it. If you continue on this path, she will fold like a beach chair in a hurricane.
Too late for her though.


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## BashfulB

SoulStorm said:


> She is going to fold because she realizes she has lost control.
> The Mr. Nice Guy Bashful Bull is gone and she can't handle it.
> She thought she had you pegged.
> The look on her face when you back handed her said it all..she realized then that she didn't have as much control as she thought she did.
> A wayward, until they experience true remorse, is a cold blooded killer. It will always be your fault.
> Like right now..she's mad because you are not responding. The reason she is mad? Because she has no control and realizes it. If you continue on this path, she will fold like a beach chair in a hurricane.
> Too late for her though.


She threw away a good marriage and a guy who loved her for some strange d!ck and a few orgasms. I'll never understand it. Not being able to understand it is worse than these images going through my head. I feel like my head is going to explode.


----------



## SoulStorm

BashfulBull said:


> She threw away a good marriage and a guy who loved her for some strange d!ck and a few orgasms. I'll never understand it. Not being able to understand it is worse than these images going through my head. I feel like my head is going to explode.


You won't understand it because it is illogical.
You have to give in to the fact that she has bad boundaries and no real respect for you or the marriage.
Honestly, she sounds like she has borderline personality disorder.
It's all about her.
Notice how sweet and concerned she sounds when she was trying to get you to respond.
Once she got you to respond she tried to control the outcome.
Once she realized she couldn't, the sweetness stopped and she went back on the attack.
It's about her..always has been.
You will never make sense of this because it will never make sense.


----------



## BashfulB

What is borderline personality disorder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> What is borderline personality disorder?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some of the craziest **** you will ever see in your life.


Has anyone else talked about what your WW has done? Friends? Family? Her son? Have you had any contact with any of them?


----------



## BashfulB

Jasel said:


> Some of the craziest **** you will ever see in your life.
> 
> 
> Has anyone else talked about what your WW has done? Friends? Family? Her son? Have you had any contact with any of them?


I will look it up when I'm home tonight. 

My Stepson has told all her side of the family. He says most don't care and a few are ticked off. Her dad has tried to call me but I don't answer because I dislike the SOB. 

Everyone on my side of the family is furious. My mom loved her like a daughter. She is heartbroken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> I wont.
> 
> I've been reading alot of these threads over the past couple of days. Man this cheating sh*t is like a plague. So sad some of the stuff all these TAM people have been through. Some of the stories here make me sick and make my problem look like nothing.


I hope that you are still saying this in the future. Unfortunately it all starts somewhere and once the boundaries are crossed they are pretty much erased. I am glad that you are moving on and taking care of yourself, I just hope that in the interim you don't find out that your story is loads bigger than this. We trust so fully that sometimes we haven't seen the whole picture for years and something as little or basic as this reveals just the tip of the iceberg.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> I hope that you are still saying this in the future. Unfortunately it all starts somewhere and once the boundaries are crossed they are pretty much erased. I am glad that you are moving on and taking care of yourself, I just hope that in the interim you don't find out that your story is loads bigger than this. We trust so fully that sometimes we haven't seen the whole picture for years and something as little or basic as this reveals just the tip of the iceberg.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've thought back and honestly, up until I discovered the affair, I saw nothing. Either this was a whirlwing affair and it happened suddenly or it has been going on a while and she is just a really good actress. I'm probably not going to ever know the details of the affair because she would probably just lie if I asked her. 

I really thought we had a good marriage. We argued like any couple over mundane things, but we always made up. We had way more good times together than bad. She was my best friend I thought. We went on a date every week, and I always tried my best to please her in bed. If she was dissatisfied with me, why didn't she ever just come out and tell me so? 

She owed me the benefit of the doubt. I could have fixed whatever I was doing wrong.


----------



## Nucking Futs

I'd send her one more text. "Dog dead, hit by a car." Keep her from trying to get it in the divorce.


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> I've thought back and honestly, up until I discovered the affair, I saw nothing. Either this was a whirlwing affair and it happened suddenly or it has been going on a while and she is just a really good actress. I'm probably not going to ever know the details of the affair because she would probably just lie if I asked her.
> 
> I really thought we had a good marriage. We argued like any couple over mundane things, but we always made up. We had way more good times together than bad. She was my best friend I thought. We went on a date every week, and I always tried my best to please her in bed. If she was dissatisfied with me, why didn't she ever just come out and tell me so?
> 
> She owed me the benefit of the doubt. I could have fixed whatever I was doing wrong.


I agree and it is hard to think about. My marriage could be described exactly like you described yours (well at least by me). After the truth can out, she still lied, then I found the hidden emails and applications and found out it had been going on for years with other men. I was crushed and wondered the same thing, why didn't she say anything and everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. Yes we quarreled but that is normal in any marriage and we always made up. I thought we were just normal and found out I was just being played as the biggest fool. I still don't believe most of what she tells me, but she has said it wasn't about the sex, looks, etc as none if the others were better than me in any if those areas. I still can't understand and believe I never will. I found it wasn't acting as much as compartmentalization. She can put it into a box a d it never affects her in any way. She lived several different lives is what I found.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> I agree and it is hard to think about. My marriage could be described exactly like you described yours (well at least by me). After the truth can out, she still lied, then I found the hidden emails and applications and found out it had been going on for years with other men. I was crushed and wondered the same thing, why didn't she say anything and everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. Yes we quarreled but that is normal in any marriage and we always made up. I thought we were just normal and found out I was just being played as the biggest fool. I still don't believe most of what she tells me, but she has said it wasn't about the sex, looks, etc as none if the others were better than me in any if those areas. I still can't understand and believe I never will. I found it wasn't acting as much as compartmentalization. She can put it into a box a d it never affects her in any way. She lived several different lives is what I found.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is scary. But I don't plan on doing any more investigating. I saw all I needed to see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Nucking Futs said:


> I'd send her one more text. "Dog dead, hit by a car." Keep her from trying to get it in the divorce.


She would know I was lying. I can't get away with lying to her. Wish that was the other way around sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

BashfulBull said:


> She would know I was lying. I can't get away with lying to her. Wish that was the other way around sometimes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey man, you got the dog, but ditched the *****. You win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> That is scary. But I don't plan on doing any more investigating. I saw all I needed to see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish you the best and that it ends with this and not her blurting out her betrayals at hour zero just to get back at you, as she thinks that is the only way she can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> I wish you the best and that it ends with this and not her blurting out her betrayals at hour zero just to get back at you, as she thinks that is the only way she can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah that's one reason why I'm not going to talk to her anymore. I don't want her losing it and spitefully telling me about all the guys she has been banging behind my back. I spent alot of time out on the road last year, so she has had lots of opportunity, especially when my stepson was gone for school. My trust in her is shot to hell forever. And my love is dying by the minute.


----------



## CarrieOn

karole said:


> You have to file in the state where the defendant lives.


This is not true, at least not in my state. Check the laws of the state you live in and want to file in. In my state EITHER party must have lived here for the past 6 months in order to file a divorce petition and for the court to have jurisdiction. You also have to have them properly served and show that the court has jurisdiction over the other person on that basis. If your state is the same and you have lived there for the requisite time (or wait until you have), then file in your state and have her served.


----------



## chillymorn

BashfulBull said:


> This whole thing is a nightmare.
> 
> The thing is, if you met my wife, she comes across as a very well spoken, clean cut, white bread type of presentable lady. There is nothing outwardly scuzzy about her. She dresses neatly and conservative, isn't festooned with tats and piercings, and she's in very good shape and looks much younger than her 43 years.
> 
> I can't wrap my head around her actually dating and having sex with this guy who looks like a cast member from *Sons of Anarchy*.
> 
> I just don't get it. I'm not a bad guy. I work hard, never been arrested, I'm big but not fat. I don't think I look bad for a 45 year old. I try to dress halfway neatly. I help out around the house, help cook, do all the handyman stuff and car repairs that a blue collar guy is supposed to do. I always thought if you took care of your woman, treated her right, helped out, and told her I loved her enough that I was doing what a husband was supposed to do.
> 
> I'm not a particularly nice guy either. I was a Marine, I work in trucking and constructiuon, I've had lots of women in my time and I have my share of sordid tales. I can handle myself and I don't back down from a fight.
> 
> I thought I was a good husband. I just don't get it.


remember when you lay your head down at night that you were a good husband. and she was the rotten apple. walk tall eyes ahead and don't stop being you.

then say a prayer for her sorry a$$. 

you will get over this and in the long run be much better off without her.

JMHO good luck.


----------



## Acabado

BashfulBull said:


> Used her phone to call my mom and the text msg showed up on the screen with "hey baby" or somesuch. I got into her texts and read through about four days of filth. I actually had to go in the back yard and throw up.
> 
> Anyway they talked about wanting to see each other again but had to wait until her "idiot husband" was gone out of town on a driving job.


I'm very sorry about the following.
So you caught her only by chance, you saw no red flags, not at all... and you are a truck driver.
It means she compartimentalized this very well. She sound so casual, and used to take adventage of your travels.
Then if you add the bizarre behavior at confrontation and the flipant way she shows herself in those texts... She basicaly tells you it's not a big deal, that she already ended it and it meant nothing... it'0s ibvious she can't comprehend the severity of this, even the fight! She's clearly angry this perfect arrangement she had (f'ing aroun while you work your a$$ travleing outhere) went south! See where I am going?
I conclude this is just the tip of the iceberg, there's way more, more OMs in the past.
The image you told in a recep post about who she is... well it's just, an image, the one she portrayed for you to see. But the real her showed up at DDay and since (including kicking out her own son!). She's not the ghost you believed. Erase that false image.
I believe, as you say, she's just a good actress.


----------



## Squeakr

"I'm not a particularly nice guy either. I was a Marine, I work in trucking and constructiuon, I've had lots of women in my time and I have my share of sordid tales. I can handle myself and I don't back down from a fight. "

Semper Fi, brother, I have been there!!!! I wish you the best for the future. The more you post about you and your situation the more it is like you are in my head and posting my exact thoughts and experiences. Stay the course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Acabado said:


> I'm very sorry about the following.
> So you caught her only by chance, you saw no red flags, not at all... and you are a truck driver.
> It means she compartimentalized this very well. She sound so casual, and used to take adventage of your travels.
> Then if you add the bizarre behavior at confrontation and the flipant way she shows herself in those texts... She basicaly tells you it's not a big deal, that she already ended it and it meant nothing... it'0s ibvious she can't comprehend the severity of this, even the fight! She's clearly angry this perfect arrangement she had (f'ing aroun while you work your a$$ travleing outhere) went south! See where I am going?
> I conclude this is just the tip of the iceberg, there's way more, more OMs in the past.
> The image you told in a recep post about who she is... well it's just, an image, the one she portrayed for you to see. But the real her showed up at DDay and since (including kicking out her own son!). She's not the ghost you believed. Erase that false image.
> I believe, as you say, she's just a good actress.


The more I consider this the more I think you may be right. It looks like I was in dreamland and she played me good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> "I'm not a particularly nice guy either. I was a Marine, I work in trucking and constructiuon, I've had lots of women in my time and I have my share of sordid tales. I can handle myself and I don't back down from a fight. "
> 
> Semper Fi, brother, I have been there!!!! I wish you the best for the future. The more you post about you and your situation the more it is like you are in my head and posting my exact thoughts and experiences. Stay the course.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks man. Semper fi.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Acabado said:


> I'm very sorry about the following.
> So you caught her only by chance, you saw no red flags, not at all... and you are a truck driver.
> It means she compartimentalized this very well. She sound so casual, and used to take adventage of your travels.
> Then if you add the bizarre behavior at confrontation and the flipant way she shows herself in those texts... She basicaly tells you it's not a big deal, that she already ended it and it meant nothing... it'0s ibvious she can't comprehend the severity of this, even the fight! She's clearly angry this perfect arrangement she had (f'ing aroun while you work your a$$ travleing outhere) went south! See where I am going?
> I conclude this is just the tip of the iceberg, there's way more, more OMs in the past.
> The image you told in a recep post about who she is... well it's just, an image, the one she portrayed for you to see. But the real her showed up at DDay and since (including kicking out her own son!). She's not the ghost you believed. Erase that false image.
> I believe, as you say, she's just a good actress.


:iagree:

This was gonna be my next post Acabado, you are so often on target.

Not her first Rodeo!


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> I'm not a particularly nice guy either



BB we all get domesticated a bit and it can cost us some respect if we dont keep good boundaries and pass the shjt tests. I have righted that ship myself over time after I had my eyes open.

I have more I would like to say about it but I leave it at that for now.

BTW most men weaken at some point and want to try and work it out, I hope you stay strong.

The best revenge is to live well!


----------



## Mr Blunt

*BashfulBull
Your are starting to get weak and question yourself.* 



> I also want to know from all of you if I should go back and confront my wife
> 
> I’m afraid I would let her talk me into taking her back which I promised myself I would never do.
> 
> I guess my wife told them some story because I wasn't charged for hitting her. I guess I owe her that much.
> 
> We only have about $23,000 in a money market account and that came from a big bonus I made on a driving job I did in Alaska three years ago. I took less than half of that when I left her. She can have the rest. I don't want it.
> 
> But this experience has proven to me that anything is possible. If she was strung out when she attacked me, then that would go a long way in explaing why she turned coat on me.
> 
> I just don't get it. I'm not a bad guy. I work hard, never been arrested, I'm big but not fat. I don't think I look bad for a 45 year old. I try to dress halfway neatly. I help out around the house, help cook, do all the handyman stuff and car repairs that a blue collar guy is supposed to do.
> 
> I'm not a particularly nice guy either
> 
> I thought I was a good husband. I just don't get it.
> 
> I always tried my best to please her in bed. If she was dissatisfied with me, why didn't she ever just come out and tell me so?
> 
> I could have fixed whatever I was doing wrong.


*It would not have mattered if you fixed it; she is selfish and weak and you need not second guess that or yourself.*

You question yourself and try to figure it out because you think then you will not have to absorb the intense pain. That pain is the fact that your wife choose a man that she knew for only two months over you. Then she tried to defend him and attacked you. Even your step-son can clearly see the devastating reality of his own mother.

*Bashful bull, when you start to question yourself just remember your true words of* 


*



Quote of BashfullBull
She continues to defend her OM. No remorse. Nothing. Nice huh?

Click to expand...

*
*



By Decorum
BTW most men weaken at some point and want to try and work it out, I hope you stay strong.

Click to expand...

*


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> I've thought back and honestly, up until I discovered the affair, I saw nothing. Either this was a whirlwing affair and it happened suddenly or it has been going on a while and she is just a really good actress. I'm probably not going to ever know the details of the affair because she would probably just lie if I asked her.
> 
> I really thought we had a good marriage. We argued like any couple over mundane things, but we always made up. We had way more good times together than bad. She was my best friend I thought. We went on a date every week, and I always tried my best to please her in bed. If she was dissatisfied with me, why didn't she ever just come out and tell me so?
> 
> She owed me the benefit of the doubt. *I could have fixed whatever I was doing wrong*.


You will come to realize you did nothing wrong and your wife is the one with issues.

If she truly had a problem with you she could have said something.

Most likely she has the problem and could not be honest and speak to you about it.

That would have been too easy.

So the cheater takes the easy way out and learns the hard way.

Stay firm....

HM


----------



## BashfulB

Get this. Last night she started sending me nude pics of herself, and is back to begging me to come home.

What the hell? I feel like Dorothy... wondering when the flying monkeys are going to come bursting through my window.


----------



## BashfulB

happyman64 said:


> You will come to realize you did nothing wrong and your wife is the one with issues.
> 
> If she truly had a problem with you she could have said something.
> 
> Most likely she has the problem and could not be honest and speak to you about it.
> 
> That would have been too easy.
> 
> So the cheater takes the easy way out and learns the hard way.
> 
> Stay firm....
> 
> HM


yeah, the truth is my wife is a slvt who apparently likes to spread her legs for scumbag ex-cons. 

My wife always had a bit of a wild streak, but never did I ever think she was into ex-criminal dirtbags. This has absolutely thrown me for a loop. 

Somebody said earlier my image of my wife was wrong. That idea takes on more weight with every stupid text she sends me.


----------



## Brokenshadow

BashfulBull said:


> Get this. Last night she started sending me nude pics of herself, and is back to begging me to come home.
> 
> What the hell? I feel like Dorothy... wondering when the flying monkeys are going to come bursting through my window.


Oh dear god, she's not saying come home, "and your little dog, too!" is she? :-O
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Brokenshadow said:


> Oh dear god, she's not saying come home, "and your little dog, too!" is she? :-O
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ha ha ha ! Oh god help me! 

Her butt in those pics looks pretty fine. For a split second I was tempted. The woman has a sweet body. 

I deleted the pics. Going to Sprint store today to see about getting her number blocked.


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> I deleted the pics. Going to Sprint store today to see about getting her number blocked.


Good idea, was going to suggest that. She's seriously trying to **** with your head/manipulate you.


----------



## chillymorn

post thoses pic on the web! once she sent them to you you can do whatever you want with them.


----------



## LostViking

You need to block her calls and texts. Your original plan of going completely dark is the one you need to stick with. 

I think you are doing very well. You have made all the right moves so far, except for that lapse yesterday when you engaged her. 

There is something fundementally broken about your wife. Yes, there is a good possibility this is not her first time cheating. I would surmise that infidelity may have played a role in the dissolution of her first marriage. 

She may be a cold, cool, calculating player who gets her kicks and her ego fed by seducing and having sex with lots of men, and keeping a husband on the side to pay bills. It is a distinct possibility.


----------



## PieceOfSky

BashfulBull,

I hope you don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I am not assessing blame or trying to shift it, AFAIK. I am saying it because a few pages back you seemed hurt by the notion she would attack you, seemingly to choose POSOM over you.

Here goes:

Say, you were my friend or brother, and you were beating the sh1t out of someone I HATE, I would do all I could to pull you off that person, even putting myself in harms way.

You are big enough and strong enough to have killed him with your fists, and he was practically if not completely defenseless at the point she stepped in. One more punch he could have been unconscious or dead, and then you would have really been f'cked over by them for half a lifetime, and they surely would not have been worth it.

Point is, don't suffer over the notion she came to his defense by attacking you. There's enough hurt in what she had already done to you. Plus, she makes f'cked up choices because she is f'cked up, and that's not a reflection on you or your worth; it's just her; all her.


----------



## Squeakr

chillymorn said:


> post thoses pic on the web! once she sent them to you you can do whatever you want with them.


This isn't necessarily true. Technically they are still her property unless she releases the rights to them, which is why people that post pictures on web sites have a case when the pics are reposted.

She would never probably find out if it was reposted and if she did probably do nothing to him, but from his original postings, responses, and knowing the Marine frame of mind, he will do the right thing whether she deserves it or not.


----------



## LostAndContent

Good luck Bull, though from your behavior so far I'm sure you'll be fine (eventually, this sheet will take a while to get over). 

Just stay strong. Moving to a new town (even temporarily) was a great idea. But don't let that beach drive you out of the town you want to live in. 

Divorce, go dark, and move on with your life. People will see her for what she is.


----------



## PieceOfSky

.


----------



## PieceOfSky

Not sure if you have a competent defense lawyer for the fight charges, but I hope you do. It's not obvious to me you would be the guilty one, in the eyes of the court, as far as the fight goes. I wouldn't accept legal responsibility without a well-executed legal fight. POSOM likely has other injuries from the wreck/whatever, and it'd be awful to end up in a position where he could sue you for any sort of "new" symptoms.


----------



## Squeakr

PieceOfSky said:


> Not sure if you have a competent defense lawyer for the fight charges, but I hope you do. It's not obvious to me you are the guilty one as far as the fight goes. I wouldn't accept legal responsibility without a well-executed legal fight. POSOM likely has other injuries from the wreck/whatever, and it'd be awful to end up in a position where he could sue you for any sort of "new" symptoms.


This is a good recommendation, unfortunately even with good counsel in tow, the other party can still sue you for damages. Currently this is a criminal trial, which means fines, restrictions, and possible jail times (depending on the findings) as all charges are brought by the state/ municipality. The suit that you are talking about would be a civil trial, and could still be brought no matter the outcome or findings of this suit.

Think OJ and it is enough said (guilty of civil offense yet innocent of criminal offenses).


----------



## PieceOfSky

Squeakr said:


> This is a good recommendation, unfortunately even with good counsel in tow, the other party can still sue you for damages. Currently this is a criminal trial, which means fines, restrictions, and possible jail times (depending on the findings) as all charges are brought by the state/ municipality. The suit that you are talking about would be a civil trial, and could still be brought no matter the outcome or findings of this suit.
> 
> Think OJ and it is enough said (guilty of civil offense yet innocent of criminal offenses).


Yes that is absolutely true. 

But, I think it is especially important to aggressively defend against the criminal charges because guilty there would make defending a civil suit all the more difficult. (I am not a lawyer.)

BTW, the OP said something that suggested he's willing to not contest some things he could (part of his bonus money) perhaps to just get it over with ASAP. I can sympathize with that. Just wanted to point out that if he similarly fails to aggressively contest the criminal charges, there could be a downside come any eventual civil suit.


----------



## Thorburn

A friend of mine did 7 years for attacking his wife's lover. He went through hel* after prison but eventually got his life together and is actually doing great now. Lawyer up. My sons defended my wife last year when I came home and raged and they were on my side. They still are but on that particurlar night when I came home and surprised my wife with rage, thinking she was still fooling around, my sons asked me to leave and I did.


----------



## chillymorn

Squeakr said:


> This isn't necessarily true. Technically they are still her property unless she releases the rights to them, which is why people that post pictures on web sites have a case when the pics are reposted.
> 
> She would never probably find out if it was reposted and if she did probably do nothing to him, but from his original postings, responses, and knowing the Marine frame of mind, he will do the right thing whether she deserves it or not.


its isn't necessary untrue either.

she sent them of her own free will and did not state that he couldn't sell them or use them anyway he wishes.

could go either way.


----------



## Squeakr

chillymorn said:


> its isn't necessary untrue either.
> 
> she sent them of her own free will and did not state that he couldn't sell them or use them anyway he wishes.
> 
> could go either way.


I am no lawyer, so take my information with a grain (no make that a pound) of salt, but generally unless there is some written or verbal and witnessed change of ownership, she still retains the rights. It is the way the law is written, which is why lots of sites like Facebook, have in their terms of use that pictures uploaded to their site become their sole property to use in advertising and such. Just by sending them, doesn't imply any transfer of ownership. She could claim he wasn't the intended recipient, they were sent in error, and all of these defenses would/ could make him the liable party for his misuse and transmission of the pics.


----------



## Squeakr

PieceOfSky said:


> Yes that is absolutely true.
> 
> But, I think it is especially important to aggressively defend against the criminal charges because guilty there would make defending a civil suit all the more difficult. (I am not a lawyer.)
> 
> BTW, the OP said something that suggested he's willing to not contest some things he could (part of his bonus money) perhaps to just get it over with ASAP. I can sympathize with that. Just wanted to point out that if he similarly fails to aggressively contest the criminal charges, there could be a downside come any eventual civil suit.



I see your point and I too am not a lawyer (nor did I stay at any part of the Holiday Inn chains last night). I think that he should consult with a lawyer, but that the case is probably pretty basic. If the beating was as bad as some believe (that he was close to the possibility of severely maiming or killing the OM), then the charges would have been more severe and he wouldn't have been let out on little bond as quickly as he was and be allowed to leave the state. It doesn't even sound like anyone went to the hospital. I have seen and been in more than my share of scuffles and can say that size differences don't always mean everything in those situations. Training and technique can go a long way.

Again these are just my $0.02.


----------



## BashfulB

I didn't beat him up all that badly. I mostly had him down hitting him in the head, boxing his ears. He had his arms over his face so I only got a couple of face shots in. Most of my punches hit his head and ribs. He didn't have to go to the hospital. They actually cuffed him and hailed us both to jail in separate cars. He had warrants out for him. For all I know he is still in jail. I've been charged with a Class 2 misdemeanor, a couple of steps down from a felony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

BashfulBull said:


> Get this. Last night she started sending me nude pics of herself, and is back to begging me to come home.
> 
> What the hell? I feel like Dorothy... wondering when the flying monkeys are going to come bursting through my window.


I'd ask her who was the first one to get those pictures?


----------



## BashfulB

I do plan on having a lawyer in the wings if this goes south.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

doubletrouble said:


> I'd ask her who was the first one to get those pictures?


Haha good point. But I'm not talking to her anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PieceOfSky

BashfulBull said:


> I didn't beat him up all that badly. I mostly had him down hitting him in the head, boxing his ears. He had his arms over his face so I only got a couple of face shots in. Most of my punches hit his head and ribs. He didn't have to go to the hospital. They actually cuffed him and hailed us both to jail in separate cars. He had warrants out for him. For all I know he is still in jail. I've been charged with a Class 2 misdemeanor, a couple of steps down from a felony.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does not matter what you did or did not do. Only what he could convince the jury/judge in civil/criminal court.

I fear you are at a potential disadvantage in court (wrongly) because of your size and his apparent disability (cane).

POSOM is scum, and you should expect him to lie in a civil suit just for more drug money or to f'ck you over.

I'd transfer the other $3000 of your bonus money which arguably would be yours in any divorce settlement and put towards criminal defense now.

Just an idea.


----------



## BK23

Considering you have no criminal record, and that this case sucks in front of a jury (if you actually went to trial--which you won't because it will be expensive, a jury would likely acquit because the OM is a scumbag) you're going to get a plea deal. Their opening offer will likely be a misdemeanor with probation. Push for dismissal with some community service or anger management. No reason you have to walk away from this with a record.


----------



## BashfulB

BK23 said:


> Considering you have no criminal record, and that this case sucks in front of a jury (if you actually went to trial--which you won't because it will be expensive, a jury would likely acquit because the OM is a scumbag) you're going to get a plea deal. Their opening offer will likely be a misdemeanor with probation. Push for dismissal with some community service or anger management. No reason you have to walk away from this with a record.


I'm set for a phone consult with an attorney today. 

Is there a problem using the same attorney and her paralegal for the divorce mediation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BK23

BashfulBull said:


> I'm set for a phone consult with an attorney today.
> 
> Is there a problem using the same attorney and her paralegal for the divorce mediation?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really. Where I am (NYC) lawyers tend to specialize--a guy that does crim and family law is like a restaurant that serves Mexican and Chinese food--neither is likely to be particularly tasty.

I think this is different in smaller cities and towns. Plus, no kids, no major property, it's going to be pretty straightforward, so I wouldn't worry--unless she starts talking about alimony.


----------



## Healer

BashfulBull said:


> She owed me the benefit of the doubt. I could have fixed whatever I was doing wrong.


Wrong attitude, and this is also incorrect. You didn't cause her to cheat, she chose to cheat. You likely were a good husband and there was nothing you could have done to prevent her from being who she is.

She is the f*cked up one, not you. There's nothing you could've "fixed" to stop her from being who SHE IS.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Does not matter what you did or did not do. Only what he could convince the jury/judge in civil/criminal court.
> 
> I fear you are at a potential disadvantage in court (wrongly) because of your size and his apparent disability (cane).




Consider this:
Tell the judge that the ex-con hit with his cane FIRST; then tell the judge that he hit you with a cane because you were trying to take your wife home because *they were ***ing each other after only knowing each other for 2 months.*

Adultery may not be a crime in your state but I know judges that hate that kind of shyt, they just cannot say that in court.


You can also tell the judge that you swore to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. *The above is the whole truth!*


----------



## Jellybeans

Pretty sure you must divorce in the state you were married.


----------



## LostViking

BashfulBull said:


> I didn't beat him up all that badly. I mostly had him down hitting him in the head, boxing his ears. He had his arms over his face so I only got a couple of face shots in. Most of my punches hit his head and ribs. He didn't have to go to the hospital. They actually cuffed him and hailed us both to jail in separate cars. He had warrants out for him. For all I know he is still in jail. I've been charged with a Class 2 misdemeanor, a couple of steps down from a felony.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not advocate violence. But I have to say reading this made me smile a little. Who would not relish the chance to beat up their WW's affair partner? Most would not do so, but most have probably enjoyed the fantasy.


----------



## BashfulB

Well I got off the phone with my lawyer in the other state. She will have her paralegal who is a mediator get with me to draw up a divorce agreement. This lawyer will also represent me in the misdemeanor case. After I told her the whole story she is pretty sure that I won't get more than probation and a fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> Get this. Last night she started sending me nude pics of herself, and is back to begging me to come home.






doubletrouble said:


> I'd ask her who was the first one to get those pictures?


This was my thought to, especially if she has never been in the habit of doing it with you before. Its something she has done with other men as part of their mating ritual to max out the excitement.

Its a very crass attempt at manipulation. From all that you have shared so far I could point out much more, this is part of her modus operandi along with her dismissive attitude toward you.

It is a shocking display of disrespect to you and your marriage.
(And let me say again and agree with others that it is HER issue not yours, so don't beat yourself up over it!)

BashfulBull,
Many of us have seen this played out over and again and we want to be here for you step by step. I don't think anyone wants to add to your pain, I know I try to be careful what I share and when I share it.

All the attention and begging is very heady. Its nice to be sought after, even addicting. You will miss it when it is gone, but this too shall pass. 

Its the same kind of sick addiction that a cheater experiences from the attention of their AP.

You are chemically bonded to her in your brain, as you stay strong you will see this decrease and you will feel your love for her dying a little bit at a time.

When you get passed this to a state of indifference toward her you will be ready to move on, give yourself time and don't give in.

If she is as prolific a cheater as she seems to be at this point, it would take her a long time (given that she was truly remorseful) and much individual counseling to change and become the woman you wish she was.

Some woman (and men too) can never be content with a good life with one man (\woman).

It sounds corny but if you make the right choices and let it make you better, a year from now you will feel very good about yourself and will have gained more insight than you would have thought possible.



Take care!


----------



## BashfulB

Decorum said:


> This was my thought to, especially if she has never been in the habit of doing it with you before. Its something she has done with other men as part of their mating ritual to max out the excitement.
> 
> Its a very crass attempt at manipulation. From all that you have shared so far I could point out much more, this is part of her modus operandi along with her dismissive attitude toward.
> 
> It is a shocking display of disrespect to you and your marriage.
> (And let me say again and agree with others that it is HER issue not yours, so don't beat yourself up over it!)
> 
> BashfulBull,
> Many of us have seen this played out over and again and we want to be here for you step by step. I don't think anyone wants to add to your pain, I know I try to be careful what I share and when I share it.
> 
> All the attention and begging is very heady. Its nice to be sought after, even addicting. You will miss it when it is gone, but this too shall pass.
> 
> Its the same kind of sick addiction that a cheater experiences from the attention of their AP.
> 
> You are chemically bonded to her in your brain, as you stay strong you will see this decrease and you will feel your love for her dying a little bit at a time.
> 
> When you get passed this to a state of indifference toward her you will be ready to move on, give yourself time and don't give in.
> 
> If she is as prolific a cheater as she seems to be at this point, it would take her a long time (given that she was truly remorseful) and much individual counseling to change and become the woman you wish she was.
> 
> Some woman (and men too) can never be content with a good life with one man (\woman).
> 
> It sounds corny but if you make the right choices and let it make you better, a year from now you will feel very good about yourself and will have gained more insight than you would have thought possible.
> 
> 
> 
> Take care!


Thank you. That gives me a lot of hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

One remark that she made in a text she sent me last week was something to the effect of "I don't understand why you got so violent. It was only sex. That guy means nothing to me. "

So does that mean any guy she has sex with means nothing to her. I had sex with her. Do I mean nothing to her? 

"It was only sex". Guess that was supposed to make me feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting

She doesn't sound remorseful at all.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> It was only sex.


Right, but I bet you got in trouble for looking at another woman too long right?


----------



## PieceOfSky

BashfulBull said:


> One remark that she made in a text she sent me last week was something to the effect of "I don't understand why you got so violent. It was only sex. That guy means nothing to me. "
> 
> *So does that mean any guy she has sex with means nothing to her. I had sex with her. Do I mean nothing to her? *
> 
> "It was only sex". Guess that was supposed to make me feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it doesn't mean that. If she married you, made plans to spend the future with you, etc., then she felt differently about you than the one's that have meant nothing to her.

The good news, though, is there is surely someone out there that you could love dearly, and would love you back in the ways you would want her to. It was a helluva price to pay for freedom, but, from where I see it, you've got a good chance of finding something much more satisfying to you than what you've had. You deserve something better, and you can find it now.


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> One remark that she made in a text she sent me last week was something to the effect of "I don't understand why you got so violent. It was only sex. That guy means nothing to me. "
> 
> So does that mean any guy she has sex with means nothing to her. I had sex with her. Do I mean nothing to her?
> 
> "It was only sex". Guess that was supposed to make me feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To her it was only sex, (but to you (and me) it was also your self-esteem, confidence, happy memories, your benefit of the doubt trust for her, her relationship with your mom, the pain of being betrayed and lied to, oh yeah and her marriage)

She is the queen of minimizing. Sex to her is not for intimacy, its a way to make love to herself, to stimulate the pleasures centers of her brain and feel validated by another mans attention.

To you (and me) the exclusiveness of marriage is the essence of marriage, the commitment to keep the connection alive in a relationship that is respectful of the other persons needs and feelings.


To over simplify a bit, she has a gauge that measures the level of her respect for you and you have a guage that measures your level of love for her. 
(If you run out of gas its your own fault). 

Commitment in marriage means that if my guage starts showing low I communicate that and we work on it, same thing for your partner, some things you change, somethings they change, some things you agree to overlook.

She was responsible to maintain her respect for you and to deal with it if it dropps Cheating with other men is a complete disregard for that commitment (some might say her vows), its a complete betrayal!!

Dont let her rationale persuade you, and dont doubt yourself.

Take care!


----------



## BashfulB

Holidays without your spouse, even a lowdown cheating one like mine, suck. 

I should hate her guts but for some reason I can't. I actually miss her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

BashfulBull said:


> Holidays without your spouse, even a lowdown cheating one like mine, suck.
> 
> I should hate her guts but for some reason I can't. I actually miss her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, man. I miss my wife too. Just reminds me I need to work more hours so I can buy a better scope for my rifle. 

Sorry, BB. Sounds like a rough day, just hoping a (bad) joke might help. Stay strong, bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Right, but I bet you got in trouble for looking at another woman too long right?


She would get insanely jealous if I even spoke to other women. It was kind of ridiculous. And whenever I would go out with my buddies to a sports bar or something she would always sniff me when I got home to see if she could smell another woman on me. 

She was always the one to condemn people we knew who we heard were having affairs.

On top of being a cheat she is a hypocrite too. I don't get it.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> Holidays without your spouse, even a lowdown cheating one like mine, suck.
> 
> I should hate her guts but for some reason I can't. I actually miss her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


REMEMBER: The wife you miss is not the wife that cheated on and attacked you.

There's an old saying, I don't remember it exactly, but it goes something like this;

The person that you divorce is not the person that you married.

Your stbxw was having an affair with another man(more?..) In many ways, she had already moved on from you and your marriage.

You how ever, have been faithful and even with what ever problems you thought your marriage had, you were in it for the long haul.

She's has a big head start on you now that the marriage is ending. She texts and calls, saying she doesn't want you to leave, but love is way down there, on the list for reasons why.

She's been detaching for months, at least. You on the other hand have just started. Try to occupy your free/down time with things that you've needed, or been wanting to do. Go to the gym, or start doing something that you stopped doing when you got married, jogging, biking, skydiving..., anything. Just don't sit there and ponder the whys. It won't change what's happened and you'll suffer needlessly for your thoughts.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> *She would get insanely jealous if I even spoke to other women.* It was kind of ridiculous. And whenever I would go out with my buddies to a sports bar or something *she would always sniff me when I got home to see if she could smell another woman on me.*
> 
> She was always the one to condemn people we knew who we heard were having affairs.
> 
> On top of being a cheat she is a hypocrite too. I don't get it.


That's projecting, big time. Cheaters accuse the faith full spouse of messing around all the time.

I'm sorry BashfulBull, but I have the feeling this tatoo_cane man was far from her first rodeo...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> She would get insanely jealous if I even spoke to other women. It was kind of ridiculous. And whenever I would go out with my buddies to a sports bar or something she would always sniff me when I got home to see if she could smell another woman on me.


Yep, any time I've heard the phrase "it is just sex," in this type of context, the person turns out to be insanely jealous, a cheater or both.


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> REMEMBER: The wife you miss is not the wife that cheated on and attacked you.
> 
> There's an old saying, I don't remember it exactly, but it goes something like this;
> 
> The person that you divorce is not the person that you married.
> 
> Your stbxw was having an affair with another man(more?..) In many ways, she had already moved on from you and your marriage.
> 
> You how ever, have been faithful and even with what ever problems you thought your marriage had, you were in it for the long haul.
> 
> She's has a big head start on you now that the marriage is ending. She texts and calls, saying she doesn't want you to leave, but love is way down there, on the list for reasons why.
> 
> She's been detaching for months, at least. You on the other hand have just started. Try to occupy your free/down time with things that you've needed, or been wanting to do. Go to the gym, or start doing something that you stopped doing when you got married, jogging, biking, skydiving..., anything. Just don't sit there and ponder the whys. It won't change what's happened and you'll suffer needlessly for your thoughts.


Well if this was so, she is an award worthy actress. She never gave me any signs or acted in any way different, except for acting a bit depressed. I just thought she was going through some kind of hormonal change or something, but she never let on that she was unhappy.

With the way she turned on me, I'm thinking she never really loved me. I think she married me because I was stable and she was struggling financially. That is a bitter pill to swallow.


----------



## BashfulB

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yep, any time I've heard the phrase "it is just sex," in this type of context, the person turns out to be insanely jealous, a cheater or both.


Yeah, I will pull that arrow out of my back and add it to my experience quiver.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By BashfulBull
> Holidays without your spouse, even a lowdown cheating one like mine, suck.
> I should hate her guts but for some reason I can't. I actually miss her




*You do not have to hate her just keep taking actions that will help you get over her before she destroys you.* You will be tempted to go back to her but from what you have posted your relationship with her is severely damaged. When I saw your quote above I thought of Decorum’s previous post to you. Here below is the part that I think is a good response to your post above.




> Originally Posted by Decorum
> 
> BashfulBull,
> It is a shocking display of disrespect to you and your marriage.
> (And let me say again and agree with others that it is HER issue not yours, so don't beat yourself up over it!)
> 
> *You are chemically bonded to her in your brain, as you stay strong you will see this decrease and you will feel your love for her dying a little bit at a time*.
> 
> When you get passed this to a state of indifference toward her you will be ready to move on, give yourself time and don't give in.
> 
> Some woman (and men too) can never be content with a good life with one man (\woman).
> 
> It sounds corny but if you make the right choices and let it make you better, *a year from now you will feel very good about yourself* and will have gained more insight than you would have thought possible


----------



## LongWalk

The it was just sex comment was very revealing. She probably cheated earlier.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By BashfulBull
> With the way she turned on me, I'm thinking she never really loved me. I think she married me because I was stable and she was struggling financially. That is a bitter pill to swallow.
> 
> She was always the one to condemn people we knew who we heard were having affairs.
> 
> On top of being a cheat she is a hypocrite too. *I don't get it.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> 
> You will get it eventually. You will come to realize that she is a cheat and a hypocrite *because she is selfish and cares about her self more than she does about anyone else*. She maybe able to improve herself some day but you cannot afford to take that chance. You would have a better chance of winning the lottery.
> 
> You will probably rationalize that you also made some mistakes in the marriage but are they anything even close to what she did? You are wounded and you need to look out for you or you will go down. Your wife is a bit different than many of the cheater posters on this forum. Many cheaters are truly remorseful and did not attack their spouses and defend their fvk cheater when caught. *STOP questing yourself, you are not the one that killed this marriage!*
> 
> *I guess there is always hope that someone can change someday but the odds for your wife are slim to none and I would not be surprised if slim has left the building.*


----------



## Chaparral

I think with the just sex remark, she has done this before. The jealousy and sniffing you was her projecting her morals on you. the extreme jealousy is because she thought if you were doing what she was doing, you would eventually find someone better. And ironically, you will because of what she is. As a matter of fact, it would be really hard to find someone worse.

I would text her some thanks for showing you the real person she is and let her know how hot, young and sweet the girls are where you are at. Then you will see what she really thinks of you.


----------



## BashfulB

Chaparral said:


> I think with the just sex remark, she has done this before. The jealousy and sniffing you was her projecting her morals on you. the extreme jealousy is because she thought if you were doing what she was doing, you would eventually find someone better. And ironically, you will because of what she is. As a matter of fact, it would be really hard to find someone worse.
> 
> I would text her some thanks for showing you the real person she is and let her know how hot, young and sweet the girls are where you are at. Then you will see what she really thinks of you.


I had a long phone talk with my stepson this morning about this very thing. He is now sleeping on a couch at his friend's apartment because he doesn't want to go home and deal with his mother's b.s. 

He has only been living with us during summer break for the last couple of years, but I asked him if during those times prior to graduating and during summers with us if he had ever thought his mom might be stepping out on me. He told me to his knowledge never. 

He is just as shocked and confused about what his mom did as I am. He is also severly pissed off at his mom. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and he cannot believe she threw the marriage away for a piece of sh*t like the OM. 

He is a great kid and I hate to see him have to deal with all of this while trying to negotiate college. 

So at this point I don't have any proof she has ever cheated on me before, but from everyone's posts I am not dsicounting the possibility. It just sucks that i had to find out this way. I would rather she had just told me a year ago she wasn't happy and we could have divorced and gone our separate ways. Yes it would have hurt, but not like this.


----------



## BashfulB

And last night I went to a 4th of July babrbecue with my buddy and there were two or three single women in their late 30s who were chatting me up and one even gave me her phone number! 

So when I am ready to date ventually there will be no shortage of available ladies here in this town I'm living in. 

I really like this town. I'm not crazy about the job I have but I'm not complaining. Cement truck driving is not my cup of tea. But there is an opening for a shool district bus driver here. I have a T, P, N and H endorsements so it should be no problem to pass the state CDL test here and get a P endoresement too to haul kids. 

I'm heartbroken over my wife, but I see myself making a nice future here. A fresh start.


----------



## Tobyboy

Sounds like you got a good thing going. Just cause we were handed a $h1t sandwich doesn't mean we have to eat it! Remember...No contact means no new hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts!

It is clear to me and my experience in being in this very unfortunate community, that you are heading in the right direction.

From the text you have shared it is clear that you are not abandoning a damn thing her, and your old lady gets what she diserves...in fact you are saving your self.

This isn't abandonment its self preservation!

You mentioned that your wife wild when she was younger, and what kind of parents she has..at least her dad....and may I suggest that you stay the hell away from the next woman that has those same traites.


----------



## Mr Blunt

This is what I think about her cheating before with other men.

You suspect that she did not marry you for love but for security and money.
She either has no moral integrity about sex or she is a sociopath that has no feelings for anyone but her self. I come to this conclusion by her statement of:



> "I don't understand why you got so violent. It was only sex.”


Regardless if she has had sex with other men or not does not cancel out the fact that she is too be avoided at all costs. I am sure that there is some good in her but for you her bad outweigh her good by a HUGE margin. From what you have posted I think that she will destroy you if you go back to her. Some day she may get better but she has damaged you too much for you to wait and see because you could not make it with her even if she did get better. I say that because of what you posted below

*



Quote of BashfullBull
She continues to defend her OM. No remorse. Nothing. Nice huh?

Click to expand...

*

*Your step son is proof that you are a good man.* I hope that you and your step son’s relationship will not be ruined by your wife. That boy will need a good strong man like you; he is damaged and very hurt and at the age that he will need a good mature man.



> He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her and he cannot believe she threw the marriage away for a piece of sh*t like the OM.


----------



## Acabado

BashfulBull said:


> So at this point I don't have any proof she has ever cheated on me before, but from everyone's posts I am not dsicounting the possibility. It just sucks that i had to find out this way. *I would rather she had just told me a year ago she wasn't happy and *we could have divorced and gone our separate ways. Yes it would have hurt, but not like this.


Again you are having this all wrong. It's very problable she wasn't unhappy at all. That's why she claism it was "just" sex. 
I get it man: if she was so unhapppy and told me then I could fix it. It's a way your brain try to get some control over something you never had a say. It's flawed logic.


----------



## BashfulB

Acabado said:


> Again you are having this all wrong. It's very problable she wasn't unhappy at all. That's why she claism it was "just" sex.
> I get it man: if she was so unhapppy and told me then I could fix it. It's a way your brain try to get some control over something you never had a say. It's flawed logic.


I guess with her it is quantity of sex over quality, because there wasn't anything she and I have not tried and enjoyed repeatedly with each other. I'm no slouch at pleasing her. I guess I just have to let it sink in.: she needs sex and attention from multiple men to feel like she is wanted and desired. I guess it really is that simple.


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> I had a long phone talk with my stepson this morning
> 
> ...I asked him if during those times prior to graduating and during summers with us if he had ever thought his mom might be stepping out on me. He told me to his knowledge never.
> 
> 
> 
> He is a great kid and I hate to see him have to deal with all of this while trying to negotiate college.
> 
> So at this point I don't have any proof she has ever cheated on me before, but from everyone's posts I am not dsicounting the possibility.


BashfulBull,

Hearing about your stepson brought tears to my eyes, My youngest just Graduated High school this year and will be going to UofL and my 2 oldest just graduated from college (we have 4 kids), I cant help but feel for him.

I think it does show what Mr Blunt has said that you are a good man.

I think you are right without proof you just don't know. (keep in mind that if you had not busted her your stepson would not have known about it this time either). I will not mention it again because its not helpful beyond a certain point and your eyes are wide open.

I'm sure it still stings, give yourself time, eat right and sleep when you can. Do you do any kind of regular exercise?

Many find that exercise and lifting weights are very helpful in dealing with the difficult thoughts.

Take care!


----------



## SoulStorm

Has she finally realized that you are not coming back?


----------



## BashfulB

SoulStorm said:


> Has she finally realized that you are not coming back?


I don't think so. 

She alternates between angry and sad and apologetic in her texts. I don't know what her real feelings are. She sent me some more pics of her in a tight t-shirt she knows I like. And she texted me this morning telling me she had gone to the store to stock up all the makings for the meals she knows I like. So I think she thinks if she keeps up the pressure I will cave in and come back. 

And no I haven't told her I am not coming back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulStorm

BashfulBull said:


> I don't think so.
> 
> She alternates between angry and sad and apologetic in her texts. I don't know what her real feelings are. She sent me some more pics of her in a tight t-shirt she knows I like. And she texted me this morning telling me she had gone to the store to stock up all the makings for the meals she knows I like. So I think she thinks if she keeps up the pressure I will cave in and come back.
> 
> And no I haven't told her I am not coming back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is an emotional wreck right now,she is bargaining and bribing. Tight t-shirt eh, remember she shared those goods with the OM too. Have you stayed dark?


----------



## Decorum

Ask your lawyer about what to tell her when, next time you talk to him.
He likely has seen much, (although maybe not being a small town).

Its a judgement call, the dynamics differ.

Some men will keep hope alive for a relationship after divorce (some meaning it some not), others flat out tell them, and still others (like in erics thread) just let it dawn on them.

Btw: Its early, no hurry.

I hope she will be decent about it, if for no other reason than for her sons sake.
She may be very alone one day if not.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

SoulStorm said:


> She is an emotional wreck right now,she is bargaining and bribing. Tight t-shirt eh, remember she shared those goods with the OM too. Have you stayed dark?


I can't tell. She just sent me an angry text about how she is going to pay the bills, how is she going to make rent, and on and on. I haven't answered any of them since that conversation I posted a few days ago. 

I'm going to call the landlord Monday and tell him the situation and see if I can get out of the lease.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

I don't know if she is an emotional wreck or not. I think she is mostly angry at me for not putting up with her crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Wow.....
Her manipulation is uncanning...I mean I have read about the WW that shows full on anger and is excepting her new reality and I have read about the WW that bribes with sex and food, but never both.

In general we often read post about the WW that is totaly gone and is all pissed off that things are now going to change for her and AP and we even read post about the remorseful WW that text the BH and letting him know about the counseling and the steps she is taking to fix her self.....but BB you brother have one of the rare ones and make no mistake..until she sees that she is broken she will not get it...take it from a guy the slapped his wife around for years.

I didn't like what I had become and as my WW screwed around she just stayed with me for the ride and it was all on me to see what I was doing was a very bad behavior and it was me that fixed my self for my self.

Sad to say my old lady continued to phuck around for years after a saved my self.

Any way my point is your old lady just doesn't see the problem as an individual issue. If she did she would leave you alone and it would be others telling you the action she is taking in working on her self..instead you get this bull crap from her and she doesn't have a clue that all the pics and dinners are just the same crap she pulled with OM.
WW just doesn't see the damage she is continueing to do.

Either block her number or email her and inform her how she is only bring on more painful triggers and mind movies.

Stop this emotional torture...please


----------



## the guy

I regress...if she gave a damn about how you felt she wouldn;t have screwed around in the 1st place..

Just block her freaken number...save your self


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## BashfulB

Yeah I need to block her. I was going to do it last week but never got around to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL

BashfulBull said:


> Yeah I need to block her. I was going to do it last week but never got around to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just don't understand why you are not sharing any pics with us? :wtf:


----------



## BashfulB

CEL said:


> I just don't understand why you are not sharing any pics with us? :wtf:


She may be a ho but she's still my ho. For now. No sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CEL

BashfulBull said:


> She may be a ho but she's still my ho. For now. No sharing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BEST POST of the DAY sir. I tip my hat to you. LOL


----------



## Shaggy

If you have OMs number forward her sms to him each time .

It's clear her real issue here is you took the money with you when you left.


----------



## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> If you have OMs number forward her sms to him each time .
> 
> It's clear her real issue here is you took the money with you when you left.


No I barely know the piece of sh*t. And I plan to tell my landlord his contractor is the reason he's losing a renter. I have no problem hitting this guy where he hurts.

And I'm leaving her more than half the money. I earned that money driving a gravel truck in Alaska in the winter. That was hard-earned cash. The b*tch can choke on it. Hopefully she'll prepay the rent so my landlord doesn't get stiffed. Then she can move her tattoo stud in and he can watch my big screen and sleep on my lazy boy. 

f*cking wh*re. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kellbasa

BashfulBull said:


> Yeah I need to block her. I was going to do it last week but never got around to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With Sprint you can block her number yourself. No calls or text. Just go online and do it.

By the way...your story is almost a mirror image of mine. Except the violence. Mine was a cake eater.


----------



## LongWalk

Sounds like she is not very sharp. Angry about the bills?

Can she afford that apartment on her own?

You'll have to see her in court, right?


----------



## Mr Blunt

> And I'm leaving her more than half the money. I earned that money driving a gravel truck in Alaska in the winter. That was hard-earned cash. The b*tch can choke on it. Hopefully she'll prepay the rent so my landlord doesn't get stiffed. Then she can move her tattoo stud in and he can watch my big screen and sleep on my lazy boy.
> 
> f*cking wh*re.



You earned the money, you let her have half so she can move in her tattooed stud, watch your big screen TV on your lazy boy?

*WTF, what is wrong with you?
Is there more to the story here?*


----------



## LongWalk

Kellbasa said:


> With Sprint you can block her number yourself. No calls or text. Just go online and do it.
> 
> By the way...your story is almost a mirror image of mine. Except the violence. Mine was a cake eater.


Hi Kellbasa, you're new here? Are you going to start a thread?


----------



## Kellbasa

LongWalk said:


> Hi Kellbasa, you're new here? Are you going to start a thread?


Yeah... I've been on the other forums for a while. Just lurking here. Divorce was final last week. I'll post up the short version tomorrow.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> You earned the money, you let her have half so she can move in her tattooed stud, watch your big screen TV on your lazy boy?
> 
> *WTF, what is wrong with you?
> Is there more to the story here?*




I just took out half and bailed. I would have to split it with her anyway. So screw it. She can have what I left behind. I'm not going back. There is nothing to go back to 



_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Kellbasa said:


> With Sprint you can block her number yourself. No calls or text. Just go online and do it.
> 
> By the way...your story is almost a mirror image of mine. Except the violence. Mine was a cake eater.


Thanks. I'll try when I get home to tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> I guess with her it is quantity of sex over quality, because there wasn't anything she and I have not tried and enjoyed repeatedly with each other. I'm no slouch at pleasing her. I guess I just have to let it sink in.: she needs sex and attention from multiple men to feel like she is wanted and desired. I guess she is really that *sick*!.


I fixed that last sentence for BB.


----------



## BashfulB

Yeah it is sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Well I managed to get her number blocked. 

It's weird. Even though her texts are all over the place and mostly annoying, they were my last link to her. In a way I guess I am addicted to the attention. Now that is really sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

So will she know that she is being blocked then


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

BashfulBull said:


> Well I managed to get her number blocked.
> 
> It's weird. Even though her texts are all over the place and mostly annoying, they were my last link to her. In a way I guess I am addicted to the attention. Now that is really sick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No its not. You loved the woman and through those texts you get to feel as if she still may love you, even though you know its over.

I am of the mindset to give advice to men here saying "man up" etc- sh*t dude I dont even have to with you. You have handled this like a champ. Your forum handle is exactly how youve handled it!

Hats off to you sir :smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk

Kellbasa said:


> Yeah... I've been on the other forums for a while. Just lurking here. Divorce was final last week. I'll post up the short version tomorrow.


PM when you do. I started my own thread. Lurking isn't enough


----------



## LongWalk

Is there a court date? You'll see her again.


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Is there a court date? You'll see her again.


July 25th. But I haven't told her. I hope to sneak into town, take my licks and then exit town post haste. Hopefully the same day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Jasel said:


> So will she know that she is being blocked then


I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Just got off the phone with my stepson. He went over to the house to pick up the rest of his clothes and he said the minute he walked in the door his mother lit into him. She was demanding he tell her where I was and was threatening him. He told her he did not know where I was (which is true) and said he wouldn't tell her even if he did. So I guess she kicked him out for good. Poor kid. Luckily he has a good friend who has taken him in and they are going halves on an apartment. 

He says the wife looks awful and she acts like she has been drinking or was stoned. I'm beginning to think more and more that she is on something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Just got off the phone with my stepson. He went over to the house to pick up the rest of his clothes and he said the minute he walked in the door his mother lit into him. She was demanding he tell her where I was and was threatening him. He told her he did not know where I was (which is true) and said he wouldn't tell her even if he did. So I guess she kicked him out for good. Poor kid. Luckily he has a good friend who has taken him in and they are going halves on an apartment.
> 
> He says the wife looks awful and she acts like she has been drinking or was stoned. I'm beginning to think more and more that she is on something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to hear that.


----------



## Decorum

I'm sorry to hear that, more for her sake than his.

He seems to have the drive to make something of himself, good for him.

His whole future is ahead of him, if it is in his bones he will do well.

I have watched my teenagers take a hit and keep on fighting, they only need the drive for it.


----------



## BashfulB

I was up last night (yesterday and today are my days off) and I was trying to piece together what I knew about my wife's first marriage. I got to thinking about things she had told me and things that she had hinted at over the years but never fully disclosed to me about her and her ex-husband, wondering if there was any things about her first marriage that should have been red flags to me when we were dating and engaged. 

Here is what I do know. She dated her husband in high school and college and they were eventually married in 1991 after she got pregnant. She miscarried that first child but they remained married even though she says they were not really compatible. He was in the Air Force and they moved around during his enlistment. She claims that he was sometimes verbally and physically abusive towards her when he drank. 

Their son came along in 1993 and she says after he was born the marriage settled into a FWB type relationship. 

She once told me offhandedly, when she and I had been drinking a bit too much one night a couple years ago (after we were married), that something happpened when she and her ex were stationed in Germany around 1994. They were at a party with two other couples and she said that everyone was drunk and things got "a little crazy". I asked her what she meant and she just smiled at me and asked me "what do you think?" I couldn't get her to tell me any more and when I would bring it up from time to time she would brush it off. I'm pretty sure she and her ex had a swinging experience that particular night, but given that it was in my wife's past I didn't push for more information. 

I flat-out asked her once a few months later if she and her ex had been swingers. She seemed kind of shaken by my question and said something to the efect of "my ex and I both did things we weren't proud of, but that's not why we diovorced. I divorced him because he beat me up and I got tired of it, not because of the other stuff." What the "other stuff" was I never found out, and looking back I should have pushed her for answers. 

During our marriage and up until the point I discovered her affair, our sex life was good. I have to say I was more adventurous than her, but she never declined my requests to do different things in bed, and she seemed to be versed in just about every sexual practice that two heterosexuals could do. Thing was, the sexual acts that excited me and I felt were a bit exotic, she treated with a "been there, done that" sort of attitude. It made me wonder if she had done those things so many times before that what I thought was kinky or freaky, was pretty much run-of-the-mill for her. 

Another thing that makes me wonder about my wife's past proclivities is the way she acted when she was drunk. Most of the time, when she is sober, she is a very calm, quiet, responsible type of person. But get her drunk and all bets are off. We went to a Super Bowl party a couple of years ago at our favorite watering hole and met up with a few other couples who we are friends with. Well she and one of the other gals had been drinking pretty steadily all afternoon and when our team won the place erupted into a big celebration. I dove into the restroom to relieve myself at one point and when I came out imagine my surprise to see seven or eight women standing on top of the bar doing a Coyote Ugly dance, and my wife was up there with them!

She was drunk and laughing and obviously enjoying the attention of the men in the crowd. I was in the back making my way up to our table and I have to admit that, at first, I thought it was funny and cool; but then my wife started lifting her tank top up near her breasts I was shocked to see she was no longer wearing her bra and had her shirt lifted up just under her breasts threatening to pull it up all the way. Well I ran up and yelled at her to knock it off, and I grabbed her and lifted her off the bar. She got PISSED... I mean madder than hell, and started cussing at me and berating me in front of everyone. Then she grabbed her purse and told me she wanted to go home. Well we did, and we fought all the way home. She didnt talk to me for two days after that incident. 

That incident was the first time I really saw a different woman than the one I thought I married. Looking back we sort of let the sitiuation die out and glossed over it. But looking back I should have seen some warning signs in that little escapade of hers. Makes me wonder what other things she was doing behind my back. 

I don't know why I'm writing about this. Maybe some of you can see a pattern.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> I was up last night (yesterday and today are my days off) and I was trying to piece together what I knew about my wife's first marriage. I got to thinking about things she had told me and things that she had hinted at over the years but never fully disclosed to me about her and her ex-husband, wondering if there was any things about her first marriage that should have been red flags to me when we were dating and engaged.
> 
> Here is what I do know. She dated her husband in high school and college and they were eventually married in 1991 after she got pregnant. She miscarried that first child but they remained married even though she says they were not really compatible. He was in the Air Force and they moved around during his enlistment. She claims that he was sometimes verbally and physically abusive towards her when he drank.
> 
> Their son came along in 1993 and she says after he was born the marriage settled into a FWB type relationship.
> 
> She once told me offhandedly, when she and I had been drinking a bit too much one night a couple years ago (after we were married), that something happpened when she and her ex were stationed in Germany around 1994. They were at a party with two other couples and she said that everyone was drunk and things got "a little crazy". I asked her what she meant and she just smiled at me and asked me "what do you think?" I couldn't get her to tell me any more and when I would bring it up from time to time she would brush it off. I'm pretty sure she and her ex had a swinging experience that particular night, but given that it was in my wife's past I didn't push for more information.
> 
> I flat-out asked her once a few months later if she and her ex had been swingers. She seemed kind of shaken by my question and said something to the efect of "my ex and I both did things we weren't proud of, but that's not why we diovorced. I divorced him because he beat me up and I got tired of it, not because of the other stuff." What the "other stuff" was I never found out, and looking back I should have pushed her for answers.
> 
> During our marriage and up until the point I discovered her affair, our sex life was good. I have to say I was more adventurous than her, but she never declined my requests to do different things in bed, and she seemed to be versed in just about every sexual practice that two heterosexuals could do. Thing was, the sexual acts that excited me and I felt were a bit exotic, she treated with a "been there, done that" sort of attitude. It made me wonder if she had done those things so many times before that what I thought was kinky or freaky, was pretty much run-of-the-mill for her.
> 
> Another thing that makes me wonder about my wife's past proclivities is the way she acted when she was drunk. Most of the time, when she is sober, she is a very calm, quiet, responsible type of person. But get her drunk and all bets are off. We went to a Super Bowl party a couple of years ago at our favorite watering hole and met up with a few other couples who we are friends with. Well she and one of the other gals had been drinking pretty steadily all afternoon and when our team won the place erupted into a big celebration. I dove into the restroom to relieve myself at one point and when I came out imagine my surprise to see seven or eight women standing on top of the bar doing a Coyote Ugly dance, and my wife was up there with them!
> 
> She was drunk and laughing and obviously enjoying the attention of the men in the crowd. I was in the back making my way up to our table and I have to admit that, at first, I thought it was funny and cool; but then my wife started lifting her tank top up near her breasts I was shocked to see she was no longer wearing her bra and had her shirt lifted up just under her breasts threatening to pull it up all the way. Well I ran up and yelled at her to knock it off, and I grabbed her and lifted her off the bar. She got PISSED... I mean madder than hell, and started cussing at me and berating me in front of everyone. Then she grabbed her purse and told me she wanted to go home. Well we did, and we fought all the way home. She didnt talk to me for two days after that incident.
> 
> That incident was the first time I really saw a different woman than the one I thought I married. Looking back we sort of let the sitiuation die out and glossed over it. But looking back I should have seen some warning signs in that little escapade of hers. Makes me wonder what other things she was doing behind my back.
> 
> *I don't know why I'm writing about this.* Maybe some of you can see a pattern.


Now that your marriage is belly up, you're doing a post mortem on it. I did the same thing. I thought back to the times something happened that may have been precursor to what she had done later on.

Mapping it all out and venting when you need to is therapeutic.

After all, if we don't learn from our history, we're damned to re-live it...


----------



## LongWalk

Indeed, it sounds like she was into swinging, only this time she swung without her spouse's permission. If you pretended that maybe you would be ok to the idea of swinging and an open marriage and asked her to explain how it worked, she would probably tell you that it would be fine by her.

One interesting thing about women in love. They seem to have need to tell their new partners something about the past. Not everything but some element of regret, i.e., I gave too much sexually and compromised myself without getting a stronger emotional relationship. And by telling the new partner, they express confidence that the mistakes are over. You get a hint of something that they were not so proud of. When you accept it, this proves to them that their previous unhappy choice caused no permanent damage to their psyche. Sorry, but it did.

If you send her any message, it should just be to say: "I think you need professional help."


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Now that your marriage is belly up, you're doing a post mortem on it. I did the same thing. I thought back to the times something happened that may have been precursor to what she had done later on.
> 
> Mapping it all out and venting when you need to is therapeutic.
> 
> After all, if we don't learn from our history, we're damned to re-live it...


I think all this is part and parcel of being away from her. I'm not back there with her, reacting to things. Being here I have alot of time to really think about things, and unfortunately going back and re-hashing the marriage is dominating my thoughts. I know I should be concentratiung on building a new life and living for myself, but this is all so raw and sudden. I feel like I'm in dream. Its all surreal. I constantly catch myself questioning everything I do.


----------



## doubletrouble

BashfulBull said:


> She was always the one to condemn people we knew who we heard were having affairs.
> 
> On top of being a cheat she is a hypocrite too. I don't get it.


My WW is the same exact way. When I met her, that was one of the things I liked about her. She was up front about her disdain for affairs, the way it wrecked families, the way her former WH hurt her, and on and on... Yet she hooked up with her married boss, a guy with four kids. Go figure.


----------



## weightlifter

You did SAVE the evidence off site right?


----------



## BashfulB

doubletrouble said:


> My WW is the same exact way. When I met her, that was one of the things I liked about her. She was up front about her disdain for affairs, the way it wrecked families, the way her former WH hurt her, and on and on... Yet she hooked up with her married boss, a guy with four kids. Go figure.


Man thats awful. Im so sorry. Are you still with her? 

The hypocrisy of my wife astonishes me. I really don't get it. And if she and her ex had tried swinging or something of the like where does she get off condemning others?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

weightlifter said:


> You did SAVE the evidence off site right?


No. I didn't come to this site until after I had confronted. I didn't think to forward them to my phone. 

Lesson learned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Does the stepson still talk to his dad? It might be a little awkward but I guess you could have a short convo and get his side if he's willing to talk just throwing it out there.


----------



## BashfulB

tom67 said:


> Does the stepson still talk to his dad? It might be a little awkward but I guess you could have a short convo and get his side if he's willing to talk just throwing it out there.


No they don't have any contact. When my wife ran from her ex in 2000 she got full custody and a restarining order and would not allow him around her or her son. He has called my stepson maybe three or four times that I know of in the last four years. He never paid any child support either. 

Now I think that is one of the reasons I think my wife married me. She was in debt up to her eyeballs and having me there to pay the bills allowed her to pay off her debts. The more I think about this whole sordid situation the more I become convinced that, for her at least, this has been a marriage of convenience.


----------



## OzyMan

BB... you are a strong guy. Wish I had your strength while dealing with my WW. I too feel just used by my W and not really ever loved. I took care of her and her boys financially. And like your W, its all about HER happiness. That is all she cares about.


----------



## Decorum

Some woman are so broken that sex is "just sex" to them.


----------



## BashfulB

Decorum said:


> Some woman are so broken that sex is "just sex" to them.


Maybe so. But she must be a great actress because she always seemed to enjoy the sex we did have. She never failed to get off. I don't know, maybe those last two months she was thinking of the other man while she was doing me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

OzyMan said:


> BB... you are a strong guy. Wish I had your strength while dealing with my WW. I too feel just used by my W and not really ever loved. I took care of her and her boys financially. And like your W, its all about HER happiness. That is all she cares about.


I'm not that strong. I ran. You stayed and lived up to your responsibilities as a father. You are actually stronger than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting

BashfulBull said:


> Maybe so. But she must be a great actress because she always seemed to enjoy the sex we did have. She never failed to get off. I don't know, maybe those last two months she was thinking of the other man while she was doing me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Imho "it was just sex" doesn't mean she didn't enjoy the sex with you - just that there was no emotions involved with the OM. She is trying to say she "made love" with you but only "sex" with the OM. Which is probably a lie of course.


----------



## BashfulB

Suspecting said:


> Imho "it was just sex" doesn't mean she didn't enjoy the sex with you - just that there was no emotions involved with the OM. She is trying to say she "made love" with you but only "sex" with the OM. Which is probably a lie of course.


Yeah I think you hit it. I can't wrap my head around that logic. I can't understand what he was providing her that I was not, except maybe a taste of danger. He's definitely the "bad boy" type. Whereas, I'm the blue collar working guy type. I'm hoping its not drugs. But my gut is telling me it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

Talked to the landlord and gave him the short version of what happened. He's been thinking of firing the OM for a while because he's not good at what he does-- he is just cheap. Well he says the guy is gone as of tomorrow, so at least I have satisfaction of knowing I got the bastard canned from his contract. Bad news is I can't get out if the lease unless he finds a new renter. He says I should wait and see if the wife can pay the rent. If she can't then he will start the eviction process. He will work with me given it was his contractor who screwed things up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

Great!


----------



## OzyMan

BashfulBull said:


> I'm not that strong. I ran. You stayed and lived up to your responsibilities as a father. You are actually stronger than me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If i could run I would... My kids are all I have in life right now, I would rather have them than my W right now.. they are a blessing and help me get through each day.

This is my second marriage, my first wife ran away on me too for greener pastures. Luckily though we had no kids, so the divorce was easy, we just each took what we wanted and split things evenly.

As my STBXW would say, I am boring. I prefer stability in life, and dont need lots of excitement and adventure to be happy. I go to work everyday (work 45+ hours a week) and enjoy relaxing and spending quiet time with my family.


----------



## BashfulB

You and I are alot alike. I like to party every once in a while and I'll kick up my heels when the mood comes over me, but I go for quiet pastimes like reading or making knives. My wife is more social and outgoing than me, but I never thought she would cheat. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OzyMan

BashfulBull said:


> Talked to the landlord and gave him the short version of what happened. He's been thinking of firing the OM for a while because he's not good at what he does-- he is just cheap. Well he says the guy is gone as of tomorrow, so at least I have satisfaction of knowing I got the bastard canned from his contract. Bad news is I can't get out if the lease unless he finds a new renter. He says I should wait and see if the wife can pay the rent. If she can't then he will start the eviction process. He will work with me given it was his contractor who screwed things up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats great news... hope it works out in your favor!!


----------



## 3putt

BashfulBull said:


> Talked to the landlord and gave him the short version of what happened. He's been thinking of firing the OM for a while because he's not good at what he does-- he is just cheap. Well he says the guy is gone as of tomorrow, so at least I have satisfaction of knowing I got the bastard canned from his contract. Bad news is I can't get out if the lease unless he finds a new renter. He says I should wait and see if the wife can pay the rent. If she can't then he will start the eviction process. He will work with me given it was his contractor who screwed things up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Bull, I would also ask your landlord to let him know exactly why he is being canned, and that messing around with the tenants wives won't keep him in good graces with other contract employers. It would serve 2 purposes actually:

1) Let's him know that if he keeps this kind of behavior up he may want to start applying at Walmart or Micky D's because no one will want to hire him with his reputation. Might jerk a knot in his ass and it just may keep him from doing this to another unsuspecting husband.

2) (My personal fave) He'll be calling your WW relentlessly letting her know you were the reason he got fired, and she'll know you didn't just take a dive on this and handled this punk. Yeah, we all know you're not the reason, but you will be blamed for it. Pfffttt...you don't care though.

Be like The Joker in The Dark Knight....an agent of chaos.


----------



## BashfulB

The Joker. 

Hey I like that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting

3putt said:


> 1) Let's him know that if he keeps this kind of behavior up he may want to start applying at Walmart or Micky D's because no one will want to hire him with his reputation. Might jerk a knot in his ass and it just may keep him from doing this to another unsuspecting husband.


What kind of reputation you think he has? How about the wife, do you think she can't get job either? She must have worse reputation because is married.

Maybe I understood the story wrong but I thought it was the OP's wife who went to OM's apartment. Not defending him in any way but he is not married and I assume the wife is attractive. It can be hard to resist when a woman who knows they are attractive comes on with a seduction plan. I'm sure every man here has experienced this.


----------



## BashfulB

Oh almost forgot, I have a Skype meeting set up with paralegal who is going to draw up the divorce agreement next Monday. I'm actually excited. She emailed me a bunch of forms I have to fill out. A bunch. Sigh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Suspecting said:


> What kind of reputation you think he has? How about the wife, do you think she can't get job either? She must have worse reputation because is married.
> 
> Maybe I understood the story wrong but I thought it was the OP's wife who went to OM's apartment. Not defending him in any way but he is not married and I assume the wife is attractive. It can be h ard to resist when a woman who knows they are attractive comes on with a seduction plan. I'm sure every man here has experienced this.


Judging from the texts I read (and there were a bunch) she pursued him. That is another reason I left and didn't stick around. If he had been the relentless seducer, and basically chipped away at her defenses, I would have given her some of the benefit of the doubt. But I figured she texted him three times as much as he texted her. She wanted him and she pursued him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Judging from the texts I read (and there were a bunch) she pursued him. That is another reason I left and didn't stick around. If he had been the relentless seducer, and basically chipped away at her defenses, I would have given her some of the benefit of the doubt. But I figured she texted him three times as much as he texted her. She wanted him and she pursued him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO you did the right thing here and I truly do hope om finds out exactly why he was fired. Karma bus here we come!:smthumbup:


----------



## Suspecting

BashfulBull said:


> Judging from the texts I read (and there were a bunch) she pursued him. That is another reason I left and didn't stick around. If he had been the relentless seducer, and basically chipped away at her defenses, I would have given her some of the benefit of the doubt. But I figured she texted him three times as much as he texted her. She wanted him and she pursued him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I thought. Most of the time it's forgotten on this forum that it's a lot easier for a woman to seduce a man than the other way around.


----------



## BashfulB

Suspecting said:


> That's what I thought. Most of the time it's forgotten on this forum that it's a lot easier for a woman to seduce a man than the other way around.


Yeah especially when the woman is built like a brick sh*thouse. She didn't have to try too hard. 

I think what hurt the most in those texts, apart from the sexting, is the way she basically dismissed me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull said:


> Maybe so. But she must be a great actress because she always seemed to enjoy the sex we did have. She never failed to get off. I don't know, maybe those last two months she was thinking of the other man while she was doing me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah I did not mean she did not enjoy sex, even a lot, but rather she feels entitled to please herself with HER body as she wants.

Regardless of how someone else (i.e. BashfulBull) views her body.

She may have a high sex drive and still feel this way.

I guess I was not clear, sorry, again it has nothing to do with you pleasing her in bed.


Ane good for you regarding talking with the landlord!


----------



## Mr Blunt

> I think what hurt the most in those texts, apart from the sexting, is the way she basically dismissed me.



If you were dismissed by a good woman that should give you pause. *You were dismissed by a woman that has no integrity, no remorse, and very little character.* That should not cause you to question yourself. Even her child respects you more than her. What does that tell you?

It always hurts when your wife goes looking for another man to betray her marriage and child. However, remember she was the aggressor in getting her selfish cheap trills with an ex-druggie-con. She became a sperm depository in less than two months!!! No true remorse only emotional pleas that are empty.

*Do you want your worth determined by a woman like that?*


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> If you were dismissed by a good woman that should give you pause. *You were dismissed by a woman that has no integrity, no remorse, and very little character.* That should not cause you to question yourself. Even her child respects you more than her. What does that tell you?
> *
> That is the problem. Up until I discovered the affair I thought she possessed all these things, except for a few drunken incidences where she embarrassed herself. *
> 
> It always hurts when your wife goes looking for another man to betray her marriage and child. However, remember she was the aggressor in getting her selfish cheap trills with an ex-druggie-con. She became a sperm depository in less than two months!!! No true remorse only emotional pleas that are empty.
> 
> *Okay. That's a pretty image I won't get out of my head any time soon. Could have done without that one Blunt. *
> 
> *Do you want your worth determined by a woman like that?*
> 
> *No. That is why I left her. *


----------



## BashfulB

Since I don't sleep anymore I spent most of last night filling out the divorce agreement forms. It is a weird feeling to be doing so.


----------



## AlphaProvider

BashfulBull said:


> Since I don't sleep anymore I spent most of last night filling out the divorce agreement forms. It is a weird feeling to be doing so.


At least you got something done...

You may as well get alot more done.

Kindest regards.


----------



## BashfulB

tom67 said:


> IMO you did the right thing here and I truly do hope om finds out exactly why he was fired. Karma bus here we come!:smthumbup:


What do you mean by "Karma Bus" ? I dont know that phrase.


----------



## Squeakr

Karma is a religious belief that has the ideals of reincarnation and rewarding or punishing the individual in their next life for their deeds in the current life. It is for the most part the belief that what comes around goes around. When we hurt someone out hurt comes back to us in spades. SO here comes the Karma bus to run down the deserved.


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> Karma is a religious belief that has the ideals of reincarnation and rewarding or punishing the individual in their next life for their deeds in the current life. It is for the most part the belief that what comes around goes around. When we hurt someone out hurt comes back to us in spades. SO here comes the Karma bus to run down the deserved.


Gotcha. Thanks.


----------



## badmemory

BashfulBull said:


> What do you mean by "Karma Bus" ? I dont know that phrase.


The "spirits" gave him what was coming to him.


----------



## doubletrouble

BashfulBull said:


> Man thats awful. Im so sorry. Are you still with her?
> 
> The hypocrisy of my wife astonishes me. I really don't get it. And if she and her ex had tried swinging or something of the like where does she get off condemning others?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I am -- she's very remorseful and is showing me the woman I knew years ago. So I tend to think that's real, and the aberrational behavior she had for about three or four years after her divorce was just that, an aberration. The POSOM better not ever get into my sphere -- I will take it ALL out on him. 

Sometimes I fall into what I call "rabbit holes" where I trip up and see the same model car he has etc, and it reminds me of the emails I read where they talked, reminisced about their "business trips" and crap like that. I won't lie it hurts bad. But the woman she WAS and now seems to be again is worth it.


----------



## BashfulB

doubletrouble said:


> Yes I am -- she's very remorseful and is showing me the woman I knew years ago. So I tend to think that's real, and the aberrational behavior she had for about three or four years after her divorce was just that, an aberration. The POSOM better not ever get into my sphere -- I will take it ALL out on him.
> 
> Sometimes I fall into what I call "rabbit holes" where I trip up and see the same model car he has etc, and it reminds me of the emails I read where they talked, reminisced about their "business trips" and crap like that. I won't lie it hurts bad. But the woman she WAS and now seems to be again is worth it.


I want to beat the sh*t out of every tattooed guy I see.

Guess I need to get over that.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> I want to beat the sh*t out of every tattooed guy I see.
> 
> Guess I need to get over that.


Yes you do.

But in all sincerity you will be fine and better off.

The guy with bigger and longer lasting issues is your stepson.

You can D your wife. But he cannot D his mother.

Keep this in mind.

And keep moving forward.

HM


----------



## BashfulB

Good point. He called me just a few minutes ago and said his mom told him to come and move all of his belongings out. She's mad at me so she is taking it out on him. I arranged for a friend of mine there who owns a storage unit to le him stow his stuff there. Poor kid. I feel bad for leaving him alone to deal with her crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Good point. He called me just a few minutes ago and said his mom told him to come and move all of his belongings out. She's mad at me so she is taking it out on him. I arranged for a friend of mine there who owns a storage unit to le him stow his stuff there. Poor kid. I feel bad for leaving him alone to deal with her crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What a pos taking it out on her own son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

She is going to regret that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CEL

Squeakr said:


> Karma is a religious belief that has the ideals of reincarnation and rewarding or punishing the individual in their next life for their deeds in the current life. It is for the most part the belief that what comes around goes around. When we hurt someone out hurt comes back to us in spades. SO here comes the Karma bus to run down the deserved.


I hate it when people use this phrase....Karma is such a complex subject that to distill it down like this makes it more wrong than right. Sorry for the thread jack just had to put that in there.


----------



## BashfulB

CEL said:


> I hate it when people use this phrase....Karma is such a complex subject that to distill it down like this makes it more wrong than right. Sorry for the thread jack just had to put that in there.


Everyone's input is welcome here.


----------



## BashfulB

tom67 said:


> She is going to regret that!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she will. To my stepson's credit, he has put up with alot from his mom since his childhood. She was the quintessential battered wife and she reacted by overprotecting him, and that brough about alot of animosity between them later on. 

When I took off I was planning to call all the in-laws and my family one-by-one and explain the situation. Well when I disapperred the wif called everyone asking where I was, then when they couldn't find me they called my stepson...

My stepson is honest to a fault. He doesn't lie for anyone, and so he told everyone who called him the truth about his mom's cheating and why I left.


----------



## Jonesey

CEL said:


> I hate it when people use this phrase....Karma is such a complex subject that to distill it down like this makes it more wrong than right. Sorry for the thread jack just had to put that in there.



Perhaps this one is explain it better


http://i1324.photobucket.com/albums...b50e7ac7a114071058a963d092d30_zps9d3e4e00.jpg


----------



## Jonesey

Is this not what we really mean?


----------



## AlphaProvider

Jonesey said:


> Is this not what we really mean?


That would be a realistic and direct way of putting it.


----------



## Acabado

The fact you reached and are trying to help him speaks volumes about you as clearly as her despicable behavior speaks of her. What a contrast.
What a poor excuse for a mom!
How many bridges is she going to burn?
Do you know whether ILs are aware of this?

When you go back to town don't forget to share a beer with the kid.


----------



## Jonesey

AlphaProvider said:


> That would be a realistic and direct way of putting it.


I thought so


----------



## AlphaProvider

Jonesey said:


> I thought so


If you listen to what they said, you save yourself alot of time in the long run.


----------



## BashfulB

Acabado said:


> The fact you reached and are trying to help him speaks volumes about you as clearly as her despicable behavior speaks of her. What a contrast.
> What a poor excuse for a mom!
> How many bridges is she going to burn?
> Do you know whether ILs are aware of this?
> 
> When you go back to town don't forget to share a beer with the kid.


Yes her family knows. They actually came down on my stepson for stirring the pot. They won't go against their daughter. They are white trash. Believe it or not, but she is the best of the lot of them. Scummy people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

BashfulBull

I forgot to bring this up yesterday..

As much as my evil side enjoyed reading about you´re,shall we say intellectual conversation you had with OM .

You might want to consider to delete them.Given you"wife´s" present and grown up behavior lately. And spite she will if you are found out posting here.Give her some ammo. so you might or might not
end up in a court room. Even if it end´s up that it does not amount up to anything.But still i think that a courtroom
experience is something you could do with out...Cant imagion more grief is needed

I´m saying this because other poster´s have been found out,posting here. By there WW/WH...So better be safe then sorry..

Up to you

Beer is on me


----------



## Jonesey

AlphaProvider said:


> If you listen to what they said, you save yourself alot of time in the long run.


yes true.Some one here once said
When somebody is showing and telling you who the are.
Do you´re self a favorer and believe them.
one of the best quot´s i read here


----------



## BashfulB

Thanks Jonesey. I appreciate that. No I'm going to keep the thread going. I haven't put anything in here that isnt in the police report. Even the cops were kind of on my side. But someone had to go to jail so they arrested me. Then while they were cuffing me, lo and behold, the dispatcher came back and told them the OM had outstanding drug warrants. So they shackled him and hauled him off. 

And I am not concerned with my wife coming on this site. She would never come on a forum like this. But if she does, I don't really care if she reads my remarks or not. Nothing I have said is based on fabrication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

BashfulBull said:


> Thanks Jonesey. I appreciate that. No I'm going to keep the thread going. I haven't put anything in here that isnt in the police report. Even the cops were kind of on my side. But someone had to go to jail so they arrested me. Then while they were cuffing me, lo and behold, the dispatcher came back and told them the OM had outstanding drug warrants. So they shackled him and hauled him off.
> 
> And I am not concerned with my wife coming on this site. She would never come on a forum like this. But if she does, I don't really care if she reads my remarks or not. * Nothing I have said is based on fabrication*.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People can some time, do things out of spite.She after threw her soon out.. So it was more to be safe .sorry
I just figured you´re "wife" has not shown the most stable behaver recently.So i figured better safe then sorry


----------



## AlphaProvider

BashfulBull said:


> Yes her family knows. They actually came down on my stepson for stirring the pot. They won't go against their daughter. They are white trash. Believe it or not, but she is the best of the lot of them. Scummy people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haha.

You tried to reason with them?


----------



## BashfulB

AlphaProvider said:


> Haha.
> 
> You tried to reason with them?


Haven't spoken to any of them except her older sister a couple days after it happened. I wasn't answering the wife' s calls so her sister called me from a number I didn't recognize and tried to read me the riot act. Given that this a woman who has cheated on her own husband at least two times that we know of and thinks it was no big deal, I was in no mood to be lectured by her. I promptly told her to stuff it and hung up on her. Haven't spoken to any of the rest of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AlphaProvider

BashfulBull said:


> Haven't spoken to any of them except her older sister a couple days after it happened. I wasn't answering the wife' s calls so her sister called me from a number I didn't recognize and tried to read me the riot act. Given that this a woman who has cheated on her own husband at least two times that we know of and thinks it was no big deal, I was in no mood to be lectured by her. I promptly told her to stuff it and hung up on her. Haven't spoken to any of the rest of them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make sure her husband knows.


----------



## BashfulB

AlphaProvider said:


> Make sure her husband knows.


Oh he knew the whole time when she was cheating and did nothing. But he has such an unlikable personality that no one really cared. I felt bad for him, but he is such an ass that my pity didn't last long. He and the SIL deserve each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

I got a line on my own place to live. Talked to my boss last night and he has a single wide trailer out on the back of his property that he lived in while he was building his house. It has electric, water and its own septic. He says If I do work on it and fix it up I can live there rent free for a few months while he goes down to Mexico to run a mine he and his wife lease down there. So while they are gone I would basically be the caretaker of his little ranch. I'm very excited. This would give me the opportunity to save up money. 

Spoke to my stepson this morning. I guess his mom has calmed down a bit and they are talking. Now she wants him to move back in. She apologized to him, so I guess he will be moving back.

I told him to do what he could to get along with her and to concentrate on saving money for college. I also thanked him for sticking up for me in regards to his mom and her family, but that he needed to concentrate on himself now and his schooling and let me fight my own battles. 

I have about 90% of the paperwork for the divorce agreement ready, and I am planning to break the silence and call my wife and let her know that the agreement would be drafted next week and will be coming her way for signature. I know most of you will say I should stay dark and let the lawyer handle it, but I know how my wife operates, and if I am going to try to get her to agree to this then I need to talk to her in person.


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> I got a line on my own place to live. Talked to my boss last night and he has a single wide trailer out on the back of his property that he lived in while he was building his house. It has electric, water and its own septic. He says If I do work on it and fix it up I can live there rent free for a few months while he goes down to Mexico to run a mine he and his wife lease down there. So while they are gone I would basically be the caretaker of his little ranch. I'm very excited. This would give me the opportunity to save up money.
> 
> Spoke to my stepson this morning. I guess his mom has calmed down a bit and they are talking. Now she wants him to move back in. She apologized to him, so I guess he will be moving back.
> 
> I told him to do what he could to get along with her and to concentrate on saving money for college. I also thanked him for sticking up for me in regards to his mom and her family, but that he needed to concentrate on himself now and his schooling and let me fight my own battles.
> 
> I have about 90% of the paperwork for the divorce agreement ready, and I am planning to break the silence and call my wife and let her know that the agreement would be drafted next week and will be coming her way for signature. I know most of you will say I should stay dark and let the lawyer handle it, but I know how my wife operates, and if I am going to try to get her to agree to this then I need to talk to her in person.


If you are just talking business and don't get roped into emotional crap that shouldn't be a problem. Meet at a coffee shop or some other public place.


----------



## BashfulB

I only plan on calling her. In her state the mediation process does away with her having to be formally served. So my law firm will just mail her the paperwork. What I want to do is clear the path and let her know beforehand that it is coming and not to freak out on me. 

If she wants a regular courtroom divorce I will give her one. But I don't think she will want to do that. If she stays in the rental house she will be making barely enough to pay the rent and utilities. She won't have the money to hire a lawyer of her own. And given the fact that we have no real assets other than our old crappy vehicles, she would be stupid to want to do a divorce by any other means than mediation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BB, sounds like a good plan. You left her with like 10K right? She can't complain. Sounds ugly but cash is a nice teaser for a no fault divorce. Considering how not only did she cheat but she assaulted you and helped get you arrested. You are being generous.


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## LostViking

You cannot go completely dark during divorce proceedings. You just cannot. It is almost impossible because agreements of any kind require communication. I think your plan is a sound one. As long as you don't tip her off to where you are living, and as long as you control the ways and means of the communication, you can continue to stay dark and still get done what you need to get done. 

If you left her $13k in the bank that should be more than enough for her to pay the rent. What I fear is that she will move in another man before long, possibly the OM. If the lease is in your name can you keep him out of the house? 

I would assume if he is an employee of your landlord that the landlord could make sure he doesn't move in?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

From a legal standpoint since his wife had an affair with the landlord's handyman that maybe grounds for breaking a lease. A half way decent lawyer definitely could make a stink. I think the landlord knows that and is not going to push breaking the lease. He just wants the rent and I am guessing he will compromise including eating a months rent. Just my guess. I am a landlord and I would. Just not worth the headaches.


----------



## BashfulB

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> From a legal standpoint since his wife had an affair with the landlord's handyman that maybe grounds for breaking a lease. A half way decent lawyer definitely could make a stink. I think the landlord knows that and is not going to push breaking the lease. He just wants the rent and I am guessing he will compromise including eating a months rent. Just my guess. I am a landlord and I would. Just not worth the headaches.


This is good to know. If push comes to shove I may ask my lawyer about this.


----------



## lenzi

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> From a legal standpoint since his wife had an affair with the landlord's handyman that maybe grounds for breaking a lease.


Creative idea but ridiculous in terms of real life application.

Unless the lease says "an affair with a hired contractor of the landord will allow the tenant to break the lease" you're out of luck.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

lenzi said:


> Creative idea but ridiculous in terms of real life application.
> 
> Unless the lease says "an affair with a hired contractor of the landord will allow the tenant to break the lease" you're out of luck.


Ridiculous is a rather strong term. But lets use it. "Real life" leases get broken every day under conditions not covered explicitly in the lease but covered under housing law. That is why housing courts/law exist so leases don't have to be 1,000,000 pages long covering every legal contingency. Your assertion about the lease having to state explicitly grounds for breaking the lease is not the real world sir, it has no basis in fact.

The landlords 'employee' banged his wife. BB moved because handyman (employee of landlord) defiled his home. BB is going to therapy because he has nightmares about what went on under his roof while he was away. Judge hears all this and based on state laws probably ends up splitting the difference and yells next.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> It always hurts when your wife goes looking for another man to betray her marriage and child. However, remember she was the aggressor in getting her selfish cheap trills with an ex-druggie-con. She became a sperm depository in less than two months!!! No true remorse only emotional pleas that are empty.
> 
> Okay. That's a pretty image I won't get out of my head any time soon. Could have done without that one Blunt.



*Hey Bull, I want to apologize for being so blunt and giving you another image to torment you*. I do not want you getting soft and change your plan so gave you too much blunt reality. After reading your last several posts I can see that your plan is spot on and you are not getting soft at all

I also what to complement you on how you have interacted with your step-son; even though you are hurt to the bone you still gave him wise advice and thanked him for his support---*very cool my man!*

I also read where you are up about your upcoming living arrangements and making financial plans. You are doing real good IMO and do not need any more blunt images from me. Sorry again Bull; you will not see anymore of those nightmare images from me

Pease brother---out

Blunt


----------



## Squeakr

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Ridiculous is a rather strong term. But lets use it. "Real life" leases get broken every day under conditions not covered explicitly in the lease but covered under housing law. That is why housing courts/law exist so leases don't have to be 1,000,000 pages long covering every legal contingency. Your assertion about the lease having to state explicitly grounds for breaking the lease is not the real world sir, it has no basis in fact.
> 
> The landlords 'employee' banged his wife. BB moved because handyman (employee of landlord) defiled his home. BB is going to therapy because he has nightmares about what went on under his roof while he was away. Judge hears all this and based on state laws probably ends up splitting the difference and yells next.


I am no lawyer, but agree with the other poster. Unless the landlord was made aware of the infidelity and did nothing, I can't see how he would be considered responsible or could be held liable (this is the U.S. so it is possible that a good lawyer could make it stick but than again most things are possible). If he had no specific clauses in his contracts with the OM about relationships, then he is only responsible for his employer status as it applies to the contractor. Since BB's WW was not the client or customer (not paying for the service) then her relationship with the contractor is not really applicable. 

Unless I am mistaken we also have no proof that anything happened within BB's house other than the two meeting and becoming close possibly starting an EA. The encounter we are aware of occurred at the OM's apartment. This would definitely exonerate the landlord from responsibility. Being a landlord, are you responsible for what your contractors do on their own time within their own houses after hours? The same thing happens when an office doesn't have a written policy against fraternization. If the office environment nurtures the A, yet it isn't against office, does the BS have a standing to sue the office for the infidelity occurring?


----------



## BK23

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Ridiculous is a rather strong term. But lets use it. "Real life" leases get broken every day under conditions not covered explicitly in the lease but covered under housing law. That is why housing courts/law exist so leases don't have to be 1,000,000 pages long covering every legal contingency. Your assertion about the lease having to state explicitly grounds for breaking the lease is not the real world sir, it has no basis in fact.
> 
> The landlords 'employee' banged his wife. BB moved because handyman (employee of landlord) defiled his home. BB is going to therapy because he has nightmares about what went on under his roof while he was away. Judge hears all this and based on state laws probably ends up splitting the difference and yells next.


I am a lawyer. Not in this field nor in this state, so take this with a grain of salt. 

The better legal argument centers on the physical altercation with the landlord's employee. He can't feel safe in the premises, because the landlord employees people that have a grudge against him, and who have been physically violent with him in the past. Every state has some variation of the "implied warranty of habitability." No heat during the winter, plumbing doesn't work, neighbors play death metal 24/7, etc. This could _maybe_ qualify. The banging his wife thing doesn't really gain him much from a legal standpoint.

From a practical and moral standpoint--I think he should be fine. The landlord is likely a human being, with the capacity for empathy, and I can't see him trying to put the screws to this guy. Moreover, if the housing courts are anything like NYC, it wouldn't be worth the landlord's court costs to pursue the broken lease.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Squeakr said:


> I am no lawyer, but agree with the other poster. Unless the landlord was made aware of the infidelity and did nothing, I can't see how he would be considered responsible or could be held liable (this is the U.S. so it is possible that a good lawyer could make it stick but than again most things are possible). If he had no specific clauses in his contracts with the OM about relationships, then he is only responsible for his employer status as it applies to the contractor. Since BB's WW was not the client or customer (not paying for the service) then her relationship with the contractor is not really applicable.
> 
> Unless I am mistaken we also have no proof that anything happened within BB's house other than the two meeting and becoming close possibly starting an EA. The encounter we are aware of occurred at the OM's apartment. This would definitely exonerate the landlord from responsibility. Being a landlord, are you responsible for what your contractors do on their own time within their own houses after hours? The same thing happens when an office doesn't have a written policy against fraternization. If the office environment nurtures the A, yet it isn't against office, does the BS have a standing to sue the office for the infidelity occurring?


The only thing that really matters is whether the landlord thinks it will be worth the hassle to try to enforce the lease. If he thinks BB is going to drag it out, fight him in court, maybe make him defend a suit for alienation of affection or whatever, he'll probably let it go. *It doesn't really matter who will win in court, it only matters who has the stomach to push it to the bitter end.* And I suspect someone emotionally invested in the outcome would be willing to push it farther than someone looking at the bottom line.


----------



## Squeakr

Nucking Futs said:


> The only thing that really matters is whether the landlord thinks it will be worth the hassle to try to enforce the lease. If he thinks BB is going to drag it out, fight him in court, maybe make him defend a suit for alienation of affection or whatever, he'll probably let it go. *It doesn't really matter who will win in court, it only matters who has the stomach to push it to the bitter end.* And I suspect someone emotionally invested in the outcome would be willing to push it farther than someone looking at the bottom line.


So true, loots of times these things are let go for that exact reason. Of course around my areas most of the landlords are more like slumlords and have scads of places throughout the city. Because of this they have legal representation on constant retainer and see it as nothing to pursue it as they are paying anyway. We have several in the area that are always in the news for fighting things for no good reason other than they can (one guy fought the city over the 3 foot trash pile in his front yard). I forget how much it cost the tax payers to fight it, but it cost him nothing more than his usual lawyer retainers he paid monthly anyway (knew a friend of one of the lawyers and was told he was always doing those sort of things).


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you all for the good points. This is good stuff. 

My landlord is a good guy and I have never been late on a payment during the two and a half years I have rented from him. He has made it clear he will work with me. If he can find a renter then he will let me out of the lease, the catch being the wife would need to move out quickly. She has a boatload of personal belongings and detritus saved up from over the years that she wont get rid of. So moving her might be a challenge. 

I suspect the wife will use the 13k to pay the rent. It should cover about 10 months worth. She likes that house and won't want to lose it. I checked the account and noted she has not taken anything out (shocker!) so when i call her next week I might ask her what her intentions are about the house. If she wants to stay I'll tell her she needs to use the money. If not then I need to let the landlord know so he can start advertising.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Squeakr said:


> I am no lawyer, but agree with the other poster. Unless the landlord was made aware of the infidelity and did nothing, I can't see how he would be considered responsible or could be held liable (this is the U.S. so it is possible that a good lawyer could make it stick but than again most things are possible). If he had no specific clauses in his contracts with the OM about relationships, then he is only responsible for his employer status as it applies to the contractor. Since BB's WW was not the client or customer (not paying for the service) then her relationship with the contractor is not really applicable.
> 
> Unless I am mistaken we also have no proof that anything happened within BB's house other than the two meeting and becoming close possibly starting an EA. The encounter we are aware of occurred at the OM's apartment. This would definitely exonerate the landlord from responsibility. _* Being a landlord, are you responsible for what your contractors do on their own time within their own houses after hours?*_ The same thing happens when an office doesn't have a written policy against fraternization. If the office environment nurtures the A, yet it isn't against office, does the BS have a standing to sue the office for the infidelity occurring?


No I am not. But in this case I would wonder what he did on my time on my property on my dime exposing me to potential liability. I could care less whether I had proof or not what happened where. I would not wait to find out I would assume the worst. I would get rid of the handyman and cut a deal with the tenant.


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## BashfulB

My biggest concern right now is wether I have to do any more jail time. Doing the time is not what I am afraid of. Losing the job I have right now is what I fear. My boss is aware and has told me he won't let me go if I have to serve a few days, but what if the judge is a hard case and sentences me to two weeks or more? 

I would not expect my boss to hold my job for that long. I was luckier than hell to get this job, and even though it is not the kind of trucking I like to do, work is work until I can find something I like.


----------



## AlphaProvider

BashfulBull said:


> My biggest concern right now is wether I have to do any more jail time. Doing the time is not what I am afraid of. Losing the job I have right now is what I fear. My boss is aware and has told me he won't let me go if I have to serve a few days, but what if the judge is a hard case and sentences me to two weeks or more?
> 
> I would not expect my boss to hold my job for that long. I was luckier than hell to get this job, and even though it is not the kind of trucking I like to do, work is work until I can find something I like.


Losing the job would be bad. But you could find another. Being unemployable or having a hard time with it due to the offence would be really bad.

Glad a BS actually got the upper hand. In many cases the OM win's out, because he's usually thugged up, and also empowered due to the situation and the BS husband has his legs cut from under him, due to his wife favoring the OM.


----------



## BashfulB

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> No I am not. But in this case I would wonder what he did on my time on my property on my dime exposing me to potential liability. I could care less whether I had proof or not what happened where. I would not wait to find out I would assume the worst. I would get rid of the handyman and cut a deal with the tenant.


I don't know whether or not the wife was banging the OM in my house or not. I am operating under the assumption she probably did, and adjusting my attitude accordingly. I'm never going to find out the whole truth from her anyways so I won't even pursue it. I just want to play nice for now and get her to sign the agreement so I can go on with my life. 

My landlord is major pissed at the OM and has said this will be the guy's last week working for him.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> *Hey Bull, I want to apologize for being so blunt and giving you another image to torment you*. I also what to complement you on how you have interacted with your step-son; even though you are hurt to the bone you still gave him wise advice and thanked him for his support---*very cool my man!*
> 
> I also read where you are up about your upcoming living arrangements and making financial plans. You are doing real good IMO and do not need any more blunt images from me. Sorry again Bull; you will not see anymore of those nightmare images from me
> 
> Pease brother---out
> 
> Blunt


Hey thanks Blunt. Don't worry man, its all good. I made that reply partly out of jest. Believe me that picture is nothing compared to the images that have been going through my head over the last two weeks. 

I have no doubt she used no protection, and I have no doubt she let him cum inside her. She had her tubes tied long ago so she can screw without fear of pregnancy. My wife is a bit of a freak in bed so I imagine it was no-holds barred with him, even though she told me he wasn't as good as me in bed...which is most likely a crock. 

I know it will take some time to get these movies out of my head, but I would rather let them play out then try to supress them.


----------



## BK23

BashfulBull said:


> My biggest concern right now is wether I have to do any more jail time. Doing the time is not what I am afraid of. Losing the job I have right now is what I fear. My boss is aware and has told me he won't let me go if I have to serve a few days, but what if the judge is a hard case and sentences me to two weeks or more?
> 
> I would not expect my boss to hold my job for that long. I was luckier than hell to get this job, and even though it is not the kind of trucking I like to do, work is work until I can find something I like.


don't stress too much. Based on the facts you've told us, it would be shocking if you walked away from this with anything stiffer than probation.

Have you been told what they are charging you with?


----------



## Suspecting

Has your wife tried to contact or look for you or did she give up?


----------



## BashfulB

BK23 said:


> don't stress too much. Based on the facts you've told us, it would be shocking if you walked away from this with anything stiffer than probation.
> 
> Have you been told what they are charging you with?


Class 2 Misdemeanor. Max jail time is 90 days and a $2,500 fine.


----------



## BashfulB

Suspecting said:


> Has your wife tried to contact or look for you or did she give up?


I blocked her number a couple days ago so I have heard nothing from her. She still seems to be trying to get my stepson to tell her where I am; but I haven't told him where I am because I want him to have plausible deniability as far as his mom is concerned. She can't hold it against him if even he does not know where I am. 

Actually there is one person who knows where I am, and that is my best friend back in the other state. I told him where I was and, unless he hears otherwise from me, he will not tell a living soul.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> My biggest concern right now is wether I have to do any more jail time. Doing the time is not what I am afraid of. Losing the job I have right now is what I fear. My boss is aware and has told me he won't let me go if I have to serve a few days, but what if the judge is a hard case and sentences me to two weeks or more?
> 
> I would not expect my boss to hold my job for that long. I was luckier than hell to get this job, and even though it is not the kind of trucking I like to do, work is work until I can find something I like.


If this is your first offense I highly doubt you have to do jail time. If you have any priors and they are a long time ago they will take that into consideration. Still no jail time. Considering the totality of the situation and the fact that you helped get someone with warrants out on him off the street I bet you walk away with maybe a fine and probation/suspended sentence. As in stay out of trouble for a year. As always talk to a good criminal defense attorney. Someone who plea bargains and is a trial lawyer not afraid to go to trial.

I would be curious as to what your wife said to the police officers. That would be in the police report. With luck she lied and you can impeach her with text messages. Then your word against his. Just a thought.


----------



## LostViking

With most municipalities cutting back on their budgets due to the poor economy and jails getting more and more crowded, judges today are under alot of political pressuure NOT to jail low risk people such as yourself. 

I don't see you getting any jail time. Probation and a fine most likely.


----------



## HeartbrokenW

I broke a lease once when a boyfriend and I split up. We went to the landlord, and he signed a paper stating that he would take over the lease and resolving me of all responsibility. Perhaps your landlord could/would do that if your wife is willing to take over the lease on her own.


----------



## lenzi

Nucking Futs said:


> The only thing that really matters is whether the landlord thinks it will be worth the hassle to try to enforce the lease. If he thinks BB is going to drag it out, fight him in court, maybe make him defend a suit for alienation of affection or whatever, he'll probably let it go. *It doesn't really matter who will win in court, it only matters who has the stomach to push it to the bitter end.* And I suspect someone emotionally invested in the outcome would be willing to push it farther than someone looking at the bottom line.


Quoted for truth.

That pretty much says it all.

Odds are it won't be worth the time and effort for the landlord to fight it out, he'll let the guy skip on the lease so he can get it re-rented- however, the landlord could put a black mark on the tenants record, not only including a credit report but nowadays tenants can be screened using online services that check criminal backgrounds, evictions, job history etc. 

I use erenter.com to screen tenants myself and it checks all those things.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> Class 2 Misdemeanor. Max jail time is 90 days and a $2,500 fine.


Many courts, not all, have a anger management blah blah blah class. They usually ask at the beginning of the court and if they do take it if it works for you.

Mine was for something equally as stupid and it was the same level IIRC, it was 20+ years ago, it was 5 classes, 40 hours of community service and it was dropped with the record expunged.

Make sure you get it expunged, they do like to play games.


----------



## Mr Blunt

If I remember right you found out your wife was banging a maintenance man after knowing him for two months, you find them at his home, you push him out of the way so that you can get your wife and take her home, the OM HIT YOU WITH HIS CANE then you kicked his azz.


*I am not an attorney but does a PUSH make for the initial assault or does the OM HITTING YOU WITH HIS CANE?*


----------



## PieceOfSky

BK23 said:


> don't stress too much. Based on the facts you've told us, it would be shocking if you walked away from this with anything stiffer than probation.
> 
> Have you been told what they are charging you with?


Is it possible to do probation and live out of state?

Sorry to add worry, but, may be more reason to aggressively fight the charges.


----------



## Squeakr

Mr Blunt said:


> *I am not an attorney but does a PUSH make for the initial assault or does the OM HITTING YOU WITH HIS CANE?*




I am not an attorney either, but technically any sort of contact can be considered battery if it is deemed offensive to the person contacted. Assault is the threat or fear of the contact. The vagueness of these definitions is why criminal attorneys are needed to defend.

I agrees that is sounds like BB will be fine with this one and get a minimum punishment . The only thing that I would be concerned about and discuss this with your attorney is due to BB's size (especially in comparison to the battered and the battered's physical limitations, ie the cane usage) and military training of BB (specifically Marine background), if the state decides to take that pursue and push that route, it could be something to work against BB in the end. I would discuss this with your attorney (it is about the same if you were a registered black belt in the martial arts and someone wanted to claim that you were trained to kill/ hurt/ maime, etc). Might be just worth mentioning.


----------



## CreekWalker

(o: tell the judge you were driving to the gas station and saw this guy assaulting your wife. You had been worried the handyman at your complex was a little stalkerish, but you were scared for her and tried to help her out of there...when they attacked you.


----------



## BashfulB

PieceOfSky said:


> Is it possible to do probation and live out of state?
> 
> Sorry to add worry, but, may be more reason to aggressively fight the charges.


Yes. My lawyer told me I could come back here and do any community service I may be sentenced to here and just mail it to the court. I have enough to pay the fine on the day of my sentencing. So living here while serving probation should not be a problem as long as I document everything.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> If I remember right you found out your wife was banging a maintenance man after knowing him for two months, you find them at his home, you push him out of the way so that you can get your wife and take her home, the OM HIT YOU WITH HIS CANE then you kicked his azz.
> 
> 
> *I am not an attorney but does a PUSH make for the initial assault or does the OM HITTING YOU WITH HIS CANE?*


I don't think it will fly. I pushed him first and grabbed my wife by her arm. Both those things could be construed as assault. The court is only going to look at who pushed first: me. Doesn't matter how he reacted.


----------



## BashfulB

CreekWalker said:


> (o: tell the judge you were driving to the gas station and saw this guy assaulting your wife. You had been worried the handyman at your complex was a little stalkerish, but you were scared for her and tried to help her out of there...when they attacked you.


LOL! That's pretty good!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

What exactly did you tell the police? What is in the police report? 

What did he and your wife tell the police?


----------



## BashfulB

Well for a quick update I called the landlord and talked about a few things. He mentioned (without my asking) that he had not fired the OM yet because the POS is still in jail! :lol:

My stepson called late last night and is back living at home. He says my wife is a wreck and is barely speaking to him. 

I will be moving to my new trailer tomorrow. There is no internet service out there and cell signal is weak, so I may only be able to check in maybe once or twice a week. I'll stop by the local McDonalds and use their wi-fi to post updates. 

Other than that there is nothing new to report. Divorce paperwork is filled out and I faxed it to the paralegal yesterday. I have a telephone meeting with her on Monday to go over the details and then she will draft up the agreement and mail it to my wife. I plan to call my wife after Monday some time and let her know its on its way. I'm sure that will be a dramatic phone call and I'll let you know how it goes. 

Talk to you all next week, and thank you all again for the support and encouragement!


----------



## GTdad

BashfulBull said:


> LOL! That's pretty good!


It sure as hell is. I'm one who almost always advocates 'fessing up and taking your lumps, but in this case?

"Your honor, I walked in and percieved this man was assaulting my wife. I reacted to protect my wife as best I could. I mean, it wasn't until afterwards that I discovered that they were having an affair". *angelic expression on your face*

I mean, what the hell, right?


----------



## Jasel

Did the police high five you before cuffing you? I would have.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

why even let your wife know it is coming..?...


----------



## TDSC60

Mr Blunt said:


> If I remember right you found out your wife was banging a maintenance man after knowing him for two months, you find them at his home, you push him out of the way so that you can get your wife and take her home, the OM HIT YOU WITH HIS CANE then you kicked his azz.
> 
> 
> *I am not an attorney but does a PUSH make for the initial assault or does the OM HITTING YOU WITH HIS CANE?*


I am not an attorney either. But from personal experience, ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT CAN BE CONSIDERED ASSAULT, depending on State or local law.

Where I live a friendly pat on the back can be considered assault depending on the person (not kidding here, I observed this exact scenario when a manager patted an employee on the back after talking to him). Not sure of the outcome and I know it was just a tactic by the employee - but in the eyes of the law - it was assault.


----------



## LostAndContent

Godspeed


----------



## BashfulB

Hey everyone. Just a quick update since last week.

I had a good long phone call with my mediator this morning. We went through all the paperwork I sent her and she filled in the blanks and we are good to go. She should have the divorce agreement drafted and sent out by this Friday the 19th. She will send it certified mail to prove my WW received it. Because of that I decided not to call my WW and tell her it is coming. She will have to sign for it at the post office, and I thought why should I give her any kind of heads up or advantage over me? I want to keep the advantage on my side. She can hire a lawyer after she gets it. 

My move out to my new place is complete and I could not be in better shape. It is a 12’x45’ mobile home out behind my boss’s house, out at his little ranch in the country. It is an older model trailer, but it is in very good condition. My boss lived in it when he was building his house, and then he refurbished it about eight years ago for his mother- in- law to stay in when she visited. All the carpet and paint and everything inside is still fresh and nearly new. The trailer sits under some cottonwood trees and there is a pond about fifty yards away behind it. All sorts of deer and other critters come around to visit every morning. The trailer also has a little fenced yard behind it for my dog. I could not ask for better. 

My stepson is doing okay but he is trying to arrange for his own place. We spoke a couple of times over the weekend and he says that the WW disappeared overnight on Saturday and did not come back home until about 7 o’clock yesterday evening. She wouldn’t tell him where she went, so I assume she was out bar-hopping with her girlfriends and probably crashed out drunk at one of their houses, or she was with the OM.


----------



## BashfulB

Jasel said:


> Did the police high five you before cuffing you? I would have.


No, but they were pretty understanding once they learned the facts of the situation.


----------



## BashfulB

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> why even let your wife know it is coming..?...


I'm not going to.


----------



## Acabado

BashfulBull said:


> The trailer sits under some cottonwood trees and there is a pond about fifty yards away behind it. All sorts of deer and other critters come around to visit every morning. The trailer also has a little fenced yard behind it for my dog. I could not ask for better.


Man... one feels like getting a plane and landing there.


----------



## Decorum

This woman is trouble BB, you are saving yourself a lot of pain.

BTW that sounds like a great place, I know I could be happy there


----------



## bugmenot

Good luck BB, I read this thread and man I'm glad you are getting out of this toxic situation. I feel bad for your stepson since he is forever attached to this lady.


----------



## workindad

BB, stay the course- focus on the desired outcome. A life free of a cheating wife and a chance to start over.

Your new place sounds peaceful. I'm having a beer for you now.

All the best
WD


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By BB
> My move out to my new place is complete and I could not be in better shape. It is a 12’x45’ mobile home out behind my boss’s house, out at his little ranch in the country. It is an older model trailer, but it is in very good condition. My boss lived in it when he was building his house, and then he refurbished it about eight years ago for his mother- in- law to stay in when she visited. All the carpet and paint and everything inside is still fresh and nearly new. The trailer sits under some cottonwood trees and there is a pond about fifty yards away behind it. All sorts of deer and other critters come around to visit every morning. The trailer also has a little fenced yard behind it for my dog. I could not ask for better.



*Minus having a wife like you had, I would be envious of your new set up!*

After you heal from your wife you will be happy as a clam. You have a very nice place to stay, nice big cottonwood tree, pond, and deer! On top of all that you have your loveable g dog that will never betray you and will always be happy to see you!

*With a set up like that you may never get married again!*


Blunt


----------



## tom67

Mr Blunt said:


> *Minus having a wife like you had, I would be envious of your new set up!*
> 
> After you heal from your wife you will be happy as a clam. You have a very nice place to stay, nice big cottonwood tree, pond, and deer! On top of all that you have your loveable g dog that will never betray you and will always be happy to see you!
> 
> *With a set up like that you may never get married again!*
> 
> 
> Blunt


:smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## r0r0bin

BASHFULL, you are my man.

Proud of your act so far.


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you all for the kind words. 

Yes as bucolic as my new digs are, I cannot say I feel better about my situation. The last few days have been a dark hell actually. I try to stay upbeat but I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't eat much, I'm probably drinking more than I should and sleep is a memory. I miss my wife so bad it physically hurts, and whenever I close my eyes to sleep I see her screwing the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Her "stunt" put a poison in your system that has to run its course.

You are trapped between your desire for her and the truth of her betrayal.


At this point many BS decide to prolong the agony and try to reoncile or win her back.

Letting your love die and moving on is the only thing that will eventually end this, mostly.


This is often the catch 22 in reconciliation, its in trying to hold onto the person and our love for them that makes the pain more intense.

Like a monkey in a cocunut trap, the act of holding onto your "prize" keeps you ensnared.











This makes the "oh she is going through a hard time" argumnent pretty shallow.

We watch and hope that you can make it through this.
Do whatever you can to make small good choices that will promote your wellbeing.


----------



## Truthseeker1

I just finished reading this thread and all I can say is - WOW. A story of great betrayal by the wife and great strength on the part of BB. Here's to hoping you win the lottery,date a modeland spend a lifetime partying. :smthumbup:


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> Thank you all for the kind words.
> 
> Yes as bucolic as my new digs are, I cannot say I feel better about my situation. The last few days have been a dark hell actually. I try to stay upbeat but I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't eat much, I'm probably drinking more than I should and sleep is a memory. I miss my wife so bad it physically hurts, and whenever I close my eyes to sleep I see her screwing the OM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey BB, are there any fish in that pond next to your new place?...

In other words, find things to fill these empty times. Is there a hobby that you use to do before you got married, or when you had more free time?

Actively line up things that you have needed, or wanted to do. When you find yourself "pondering" your current situation, start doing one of them. Make a list. Have some free time... Do something from the list.

It sounds too simple, but it made all the difference in the world to me when I was going through this. 

I'm still alive, it made that kind of difference for me...

And don't be "Bashful" Bull. If you need to vent, we're here for you. You're among friends here.


----------



## Shaggy

I do wish you had written your thread title to be more accurate.

Something like , I dump my cheating wife like she deserved.

Or,

Wife cheated, I dumped her and left.


You using the word abandoned makes you sound like the bad guy, when in fact you've handle this all very very well.


----------



## Truthseeker1

Or "Wife Cheated Time for a lifestyle upgrade"


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Hey BB, are there any fish in that pond next to your new place?...
> 
> In other words, find things to fill these empty times. Is there a hobby that you use to do before you got married, or when you had more free time?
> 
> Actively line up things that you have needed, or wanted to do. When you find yourself "pondering" your current situation, start doing one of them. Make a list. Have some free time... Do something from the list.
> 
> It sounds too simple, but it made all the difference in the world to me when I was going through this.
> 
> I'm still alive, it made that kind of difference for me...
> 
> And don't be "Bashful" Bull. If you need to vent, we're here for you. You're among friends here.


LOL! I wish there were fish in that pond. No its just a cattle watering hole with a nice old windmill next to it. But it 's pretty to look at. 

Before I married my wife I had a little place in New Mexico, back when I was an independent operator. I had a small homemade forge and I made knives as a hobby whenever I wasn't out on the road. I made them as gifts for holidays and for my friends to use. It was really enjoyable for me. I'd like to build a small forge here if my boss lets me. I have not talked to him about it.


----------



## bandit.45

I love custom knives. You ought to get back into that Bull
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Do not hesitate to go to your doctor. They see this a lot and can prescribe some meds that's not a magic cure but they can help a lot.


----------



## Woodchuck

BashfulBull said:


> LOL! I wish there were fish in that pond. No its just a cattle watering hole with a nice old windmill next to it. But it 's pretty to look at.
> 
> Before I married my wife I had a little place in New Mexico, back when I was an independent operator. I had a small homemade forge and I made knives as a hobby whenever I wasn't out on the road. I made them as gifts for holidays and for my friends to use. It was really enjoyable for me. I'd like to build a small forge here if my boss lets me. I have not talked to him about it.


Making custom knives is a fantastic hobby...I have known a couple, one did fantastic damascus work....

Get back into it.......You could develop a blade specificly for "GELDING" posom's......

You know, rough rusty nasty edge. You might sell a few to TAM members........the woodchuck


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> LOL! I wish there were fish in that pond. No its just a cattle watering hole with a nice old windmill next to it. But it 's pretty to look at.
> 
> Before I married my wife I had a little place in New Mexico, back when I was an independent operator. I had a small homemade forge and I made knives as a hobby whenever I wasn't out on the road. I made them as gifts for holidays and for my friends to use. It was really enjoyable for me. I'd like to build a small forge here if my boss lets me. I have not talked to him about it.


This is exactly what I'm talkin' about! I realize that it may not be feasible for you to build a forge(Or is it...) But man O man, what a way to loose yourself, for hours if the need be - When the "gloom" tries to roll in on you that is.

You really surprised me with, forging your own knives as a hobby. If you did manage to swing building a forge, you HAVE to post some pic's of some of the blades you make, on TAM.:smthumbup:

If you ever try your hand at making two handed broadswords, I might just have to place an order.


----------



## LostViking

A metalsmith? You are a true son of Weylynd, god of fire and forge. . My esteem for you just doubled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Alright how many of us own swords and some very cool knives?

My hand is up! 

I would love to see some pictures as well!


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Decorum said:


> Alright how many of us own swords and some very cool knives?
> 
> My hand is up!
> 
> I would love to see some pictures as well!


Two handed broadsword(and yes it's a replica if the Braveheart sword), A fancy-shmancey etched show sword, two battle axes and a double-flail... Hey, you asked.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> Just got off the phone with my stepson. He went over to the house to pick up the rest of his clothes and he said the minute he walked in the door his mother lit into him. She was demanding he tell her where I was and was threatening him. He told her he did not know where I was (which is true) and said he wouldn't tell her even if he did. So I guess she kicked him out for good. Poor kid. Luckily he has a good friend who has taken him in and they are going halves on an apartment.
> 
> He says the wife looks awful and she acts like she has been drinking or was stoned. I'm beginning to think more and more that she is on something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like your stepson is a man of principle. Perhaps there's something you could do to help him out?


----------



## doubletrouble

I have several knives still hanging from my chest, courtesy of my fWW. Maybe you could make a few replicas of those that I could hand to POSOM's wife?


----------



## lordmayhem

LostViking said:


> With most municipalities cutting back on their budgets due to the poor economy and jails getting more and more crowded, judges today are under alot of political pressuure NOT to jail low risk people such as yourself.
> 
> I don't see you getting any jail time. Probation and a fine most likely.


:iagree:

Probation and fine most likely. 

*HOWEVER*

It would still count as a DV conviction, and under Federal Law, he cannot own or purchase any firearms. The conviction will show up under any NICS or NCIC check, and will be flagged as not being allowed to possess firearms. Seeing as how the OP owns guns, which he brought with him, he would have to give up ownership of the firearms. He would fall under the category of Prohibited Person with regards to firearms, and being a Prohibited Person, being caught with firearms becomes a felony. And that's not something the local cops would be able to practice discretion on. 

How likely would it be for her to testify against him in court? Would it be better for him to plead not guilty and request a trial? Because the punishment would be the same, whether he went to trial or not.


----------



## Woodchuck

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Probation and fine most likely.
> 
> *HOWEVER*
> 
> It would still count as a DV conviction, and under Federal Law, he cannot own or purchase any firearms. The conviction will show up under any NICS or NCIC check, and will be flagged as not being allowed to possess firearms. Seeing as how the OP owns guns, which he brought with him, he would have to give up ownership of the firearms. He would fall under the category of Prohibited Person with regards to firearms, and being a Prohibited Person, being caught with firearms becomes a felony. And that's not something the local cops would be able to practice discretion on.
> 
> How likely would it be for her to testify against him in court? Would it be better for him to plead not guilty and request a trial? Because the punishment would be the same, whether he went to trial or not.


I would plead "not guilty"...I would also put it out on the grapevine that if the wife testified on the POSOM's behalf an R would be off the table.....

Were charges filed against the POSOM or the wife?...If not, consider filing....Dropping the charges would be a good bargaining chip for them to do likewise...

Make them fight for every inch....

the woodchuck


----------



## BashfulB

Woodchuck said:


> Making custom knives is a fantastic hobby...I have known a couple, one did fantastic damascus work....
> 
> *Get back into it.......You could develop a blade specificly for "GELDING" posom's......
> 
> You know, rough rusty nasty edge*. You might sell a few to TAM members........the woodchuck


Man dont give me any ideas.


----------



## BashfulB

LostViking said:


> A metalsmith? You are a true son of Weylynd, god of fire and forge. . My esteem for you just doubled.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha ha! I don't know about that friend! My godly forge was just a converted barbecue grill with a blower made from an old shop vac. LOL!


----------



## BashfulB

Decorum said:


> Alright how many of us own swords and some very cool knives?
> 
> My hand is up!
> 
> I would love to see some pictures as well!


I took a farrier's course when I got out of high school. I was going to be a horse shoer like my uncle. In fact he gave me my anvil and most of my tools. I could'nt find much work doing that so I got my CDL and hit the road. But while I was learning farrier work I had a classmate who showed me how to re-forge old files into hunting knives. 

I've probably made forty or so knives. Stupid me, I have very few pics but I will try to dig some out and post them.


----------



## BashfulB

Woodchuck said:


> I would plead "not guilty"...I would also put it out on the grapevine that if the wife testified on the POSOM's behalf an R would be off the table.....
> 
> Were charges filed against the POSOM or the wife?...If not, consider filing....Dropping the charges would be a good bargaining chip for them to do likewise...
> 
> Make them fight for every inch....
> 
> the woodchuck


No I was the only one charged. The wife had a bloody nose so they didn't charge her. The OM got hauled off on a couple of warrants. 

My lawyer is pretty confident I will just get probation and maybe a little comunity service or a fine. She is going to contest the charges, which means the cop will have to show to testify. She may subpoena the wife too. I don't know. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow about it and the divorce agreement.


----------



## BashfulB

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Probation and fine most likely.
> 
> *HOWEVER*
> 
> It would still count as a DV conviction, and under Federal Law, he cannot own or purchase any firearms. The conviction will show up under any NICS or NCIC check, and will be flagged as not being allowed to possess firearms. Seeing as how the OP owns guns, which he brought with him, he would have to give up ownership of the firearms. He would fall under the category of Prohibited Person with regards to firearms, and being a Prohibited Person, being caught with firearms becomes a felony. And that's not something the local cops would be able to practice discretion on.
> 
> How likely would it be for her to testify against him in court? Would it be better for him to plead not guilty and request a trial? Because the punishment would be the same, whether he went to trial or not.


The only way they get my guns is to pry them out of my cold dead fingers.


----------



## BashfulB

Talked to my mom yesterday. The wife has been calling her everyday, non-stop. She says my wife sounds like she is unhinged. I told my mom to block her calls.


----------



## badcompany

I'd bet he could get it reduced to disturbing the peace under the circumstances. 
It would probably be worth the effort to see if the OM has a record-correction....does have a record. Maybe he's a tweaker or alcoholic and got his WW involved.
If you go to court and POSOM has a bunch of priors they aren't going to have much of a leg to stand on. 
Was there any toxicology ran on any of you after the DV incident?


----------



## BashfulB

I weighed myself at my workplace last night. I've lost 22 pounds in three weeks. Is that normal? 

I don't eat more than one meal a day anymore.


----------



## BashfulB

badcompany said:


> I'd bet he could get it reduced to disturbing the peace under the circumstances.
> It would probably be worth the effort to see if the OM has a record. Maybe he's a tweaker or alcoholic and got his WW involved.
> If you go to court and POSOM has a bunch of priors they aren't going to have much of a leg to stand on.


The OM is a piece of sh*t ex-con who did prison time for drug crimes. My landlord knows all about it.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I weighed myself at my workplace last night. I've lost 22 pounds in three weeks. Is that normal?
> 
> I don't eat more than one meal a day anymore.


You need to take care of yourself that is a lot of weight to lose in such a brief period my man. *Remember no spouse, especially a WS, is irreplaceable. Never sacrifice your mental and physical health over someone who is so unworthy. *


----------



## badcompany

I sat thru a similar situation in court(not cheating though), but it was claimant vs. defendants word on the issue as the cop showed up after everything was over. One guy was clean, other had a rap sheet 3 pages long, so you can guess which way the verdict went.


----------



## Woodchuck

BashfulBull said:


> The OM is a piece of sh*t ex-con who did prison time for drug crimes. My landlord knows all about it.


I really think if the wife testified that she caught an elbow while trying to break up a scuffle, the charges could be dropped to disturbing the peace...

That doesn't impact gun ownership......

I would say "I thought he was selling my wife drugs"....

As we all know, *what could have been the fact*s is often more important than what were the facts in todays court rooms..

the woodchuck...


----------



## Decorum

Many loose weight during this, that is why we keep saying to make healthy choices. Its too easy to not notice and not be interested.

Eat, sleep, exercise, in the long run you will be so much better off.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> No I was the only one charged. The wife had a bloody nose so they didn't charge her. The OM got hauled off on a couple of warrants.
> 
> My lawyer is pretty confident I will just get probation and maybe a little comunity service or a fine. She is going to contest the charges, which means the cop will have to show to testify. She may subpoena the wife too. I don't know. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow about it and the divorce agreement.


Before I leave for work to write police reports all day and listen to citizen complaints and give advice over the phone, I'll leave you with some. Consult with your lawyer BEFORE agreeing to any plea agreement. A DV conviction has the potential to affect your life and possibly your ability to defend yourself.

Without having been on scene, and read any police reports, and only based upon your words here:



BashfulBull said:


> When I followed her to his apartment and confronted them together, *she made a huge scene and she and him both attacked me together*. I managed to beat the crap out of him, but I ended up hitting her too and giving her a bloody nose.


A reasonable argument can be made that you acted in self defense. That is, if what you've said is true. Please don't take offense to that, because I hear stories like this on a daily basis, so I'm constantly having to separate fact from fiction.


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> Talked to my mom yesterday. The wife has been calling her everyday, non-stop. She says my wife sounds like she is unhinged. I told my mom to block her calls.


wtf, why is she harassing your mom? What does she expect her to do:scratchhead:



BashfulBull said:


> I weighed myself at my workplace last night. I've lost 22 pounds in three weeks. Is that normal?
> 
> I don't eat more than one meal a day anymore.


Normal considering what you're dealing with but definitely not healthy. Make sure you take care of yourself, even though that's probably the last thing on your mind atm.



BashfulBull said:


> The OM is a piece of sh*t ex-con who did prison time for drug crimes. My landlord knows all about it.


Wonder why he hired him in the first place


----------



## chillymorn

BashfulBull said:


> I weighed myself at my workplace last night. I've lost 22 pounds in three weeks. Is that normal?
> 
> I don't eat more than one meal a day anymore.


I heard the divorce weight loss plan really work well.

start making sure you get enough to stay healthy.


----------



## Jung_admirer

BashfulBull said:


> One remark that she made in a text she sent me last week was something to the effect of "I don't understand why you got so violent. It was only sex. That guy means nothing to me. "
> 
> So does that mean any guy she has sex with means nothing to her. I had sex with her. Do I mean nothing to her?
> 
> "It was only sex". Guess that was supposed to make me feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really hate text messaging, but I have one that may fit before going dark:

"No one is sadder than me that faith, hope and love 
were reciprocated with lies, deceit and betrayal.
I wish you all the happiness you deserve. Please do 
me the great honor of never, ever contacting me again."


----------



## PieceOfSky

Consider getting exercise, maybe walking on the property there.

If the pond is big and healthy enough, have some fish delivered, if your boss doesn't mind, and if you'd enjoy establishing a fish population.

Whatever habits you establish during all this, fight hard for the healthy ones as soon as you can.

(Filed under: Don't do as I do. I should take my own advice. )


----------



## MovingAhead

BashfulBull said:


> I weighed myself at my workplace last night. I've lost 22 pounds in three weeks. Is that normal?
> 
> I don't eat more than one meal a day anymore.


I lost 30 lbs. in 10 days. No it's not normal. I couldn't sleep... I slept maybe 10 hours total that week. Make sure you are getting exercise and sunshine. A sleeping pill that let my mind shut down for a bit helped me turn the corner.


----------



## LostViking

Did your mother get your wife's number blocked?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Suspecting

Does it matter in the US if the "victim" doesn't press charges or will the prosecutor do it regardless of that?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Suspecting said:


> Does it matter in the US if the "victim" doesn't press charges or will the prosecutor do it regardless of that?


The 'state' presses the charges. The charge will typically read "The People vs < Insert defendant name>". There is some prosecutorial discretion though, including if the victim does not want to cooperate or refuses to do so. It gets very complicated.


----------



## BashfulB

LostViking said:


> Did your mother get your wife's number blocked?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I spoke with my mom yesterday. The wife has not called her lately. I may have to go see my mom soon as she is not well. She has ankylosing spondilytus and can barely get around anymore. She lives in an assisted living community now. 

Crappy of my idiot wife to unload on her like that. Stupid woman. 

Anyway my stepson called me while I was at work last night and we got to talking and I told him that if he wanted I could help him get a place here and get into college. He wants to be an air-conditioning tech and there is a very good trade college here in the town I'm living in and they just happen to have an AC certification program. I checked on it a couple days ago. 

He liked the idea and said he would get back to me on it. 

Stepson says the wife has been drinking alot. He has not seen any evidence she is still going out with the OM. She does stay on the phone with her girlfriends and of course the topic of the conversation is always me. I wish she had been that interested in me while I was there with her.


----------



## BashfulB

I know you have all old me I should stay dark, but at some point I have to talk to her about D. I should probably call her Monday and clear the air.


----------



## Fisherman

BashfulBull said:


> I know you have all old me I should stay dark, but at some point I have to talk to her about D. I should probably call her Monday and clear the air.


Just keep the conversation about the impending divorce and nothing else. You are going to have to communicate sometime but going dark was for you to break the emotional aspect of it.


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> I know you have all old me I should stay dark, but at some point I have to talk to her about D. I should probably call her Monday and clear the air.


Might help if you write down what topics of discussion you want to stick to related to the divorce so when she tries to gaslight, manipulate, trickle truth, beg, blame you, attack you, or whatever she'll pull you kind of have something you can focus on to keep you on track.


----------



## BashfulB

Jasel said:


> Might help if you write down what topics of discussion you want to stick to related to the divorce so when she tries to gaslight, manipulate, trickle truth, beg, blame you, attack you, or whatever she'll pull you kind of have something you can focus on to keep you on track.


That's a good idea. Thank you.


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> Stepson says the wife has been drinking alot. He has not seen any evidence she is still going out with the OM. She does stay on the phone with her girlfriends and of course the topic of the conversation is always me. I wish she had been that interested in me while I was there with her.


Is she blaming you for leaving??


----------



## BashfulB

Jasel said:


> Is she blaming you for leaving??


He says she goes from talking trash about me to telling him she wishes I would come home. Whenever he confronts her about the cheating she just goes off on him. So he says he just listens and doesn't say anything.


----------



## LongWalk

Hope she doesn't drink herself to death but it's not your problem anymore.


----------



## BashfulB

I went to a saloon tonight and drank a few beers and chatted up a sweet little thing for three hours. She gave me her phone number.

Whatever happens in this divorce, I think I will be okay.


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Hope she doesn't drink herself to death but it's not your problem anymore.


Hard to say. For some strange reason find myself not caring very much.


----------



## LostViking

BashfulBull said:


> I went to a saloon tonight and drank a few beers and *chatted up a sweet little thing for three hours. She gave me her phone number*.
> 
> Whatever happens in this divorce, I think I will be okay.


Good for you!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> He says she goes from talking trash about me to telling him she wishes I would come home. Whenever he confronts her about the cheating she just goes off on him. So he says he just listens and doesn't say anything.


That's his mom. I know you love him, but try to keep him out of the middle. That means don't ask him anything about the stbx, let him volunteer the information.


----------



## LostViking

How is it going BB? Did you have a talk with the WW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Hey all.

Just a quick check in before I leave to travel back to the other state for my court appearance. 

Talked to my WW for the first time yesterday. Mostly silence and her bawling. She did ask me when I was coming back and I told her flatly I was not. She had not recieved the divorce packet yet, and she tried to persuade me to wait on divorce a few months to see if she could get me to change my mind. 

She promised if I came back she would do anything and everything to make it up to me, and that the OM was probably going back to prison for parole violation so he was out of her life for good. She claims that my being gone has shown her how much she needed me. I responded with "no way". She wasn't nasty or anything, she just said "do what you feel like you need to do." I told her I was going to be in town tomorrow and that I wanted to come by the house and get some more of my belongings. She sais she would be gone to work but asked if I could stop by her workplace so she could see me one last time. 

What do you guy's think? Should I go see her? 

I'll be on the road but I will respond tomorrow if anyone has questions. 

Wish me luck. If you dont hear back from me for a few days then I'm probably in jail.


----------



## BK23

No reason to see her unless you want to. You don't owe her anything.


----------



## tom67

Carry a var with you. Meet her at a public place and tell her to stop taking it out on her son jmo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Hey all.
> 
> Just a quick check in before I leave to travel back to the other state for my court appearance.
> 
> Talked to my WW for the first time yesterday. Mostly silence and her bawling. She did ask me when I was coming back and I told her flatly I was not. She had not recieved the divorce packet yet, and she tried to persuade me to wait on divorce a few months to see if she could get me to change my mind.
> 
> She promised if I came back she would do anything and everything to make it up to me, and that the OM was probably going back to prison for parole violation so he was out of her life for good. She claims that my being gone has shown her how much she needed me. I responded with "no way". She wasn't nasty or anything, she just said "do what you feel like you need to do." I told her I was going to be in town tomorrow and that I wanted to come by the house and get some more of my belongings. She sais she would be gone to work but asked if I could stop by her workplace so she could see me one last time.
> 
> What do you guy's think? Should I go see her?
> 
> I'll be on the road but I will respond tomorrow if anyone has questions.
> 
> Wish me luck. If you dont hear back from me for a few days then I'm probably in jail.


*DO NOT see her again - when she attacked you that should be the last time she should ever see you.* Do not forget she took the OM's side in a physical altercation against you - that is unforgivable.


----------



## Jasel

I wouldn't but it's really up to you. You seem pretty resolute in your decision to D so I doubt it would really hurt one way or the other. Like someone else said if you do go see her make sure you have a recording device on you just in case things go South. Always protect yourself, that woman did attack you.


----------



## Enginerd

BashfulBull said:


> Hey all.
> 
> Just a quick check in before I leave to travel back to the other state for my court appearance.
> 
> Talked to my WW for the first time yesterday. Mostly silence and her bawling. She did ask me when I was coming back and I told her flatly I was not. She had not recieved the divorce packet yet, and she tried to persuade me to wait on divorce a few months to see if she could get me to change my mind.
> 
> She promised if I came back she would do anything and everything to make it up to me, and that the OM was probably going back to prison for parole violation so he was out of her life for good. She claims that my being gone has shown her how much she needed me. I responded with "no way". She wasn't nasty or anything, she just said "do what you feel like you need to do." I told her I was going to be in town tomorrow and that I wanted to come by the house and get some more of my belongings. She sais she would be gone to work but asked if I could stop by her workplace so she could see me one last time.
> 
> What do you guy's think? Should I go see her?
> 
> I'll be on the road but I will respond tomorrow if anyone has questions.
> 
> Wish me luck. If you dont hear back from me for a few days then I'm probably in jail.




BB I've been following your thread with great interest. I really respect how you handled yourself including thumping that preditory loser. I hope your case goes well for you as it should. Hopefully your judge will be a man.

Those are crocodile tears brother. She's crying because she lost her cake. Based on her son's feedback she appears to lack a moral compass and doesn't hold herself accountable for her actions. This is not a person that you can ever trust with your big heart again. She is broken in a way that you cannot fix. I would not go see her, but if you do remember that she's a great actress that had you fooled for a long time. She knows your buttons so be wary.

Good Luck


----------



## JMGrey

BashfulBull said:


> She has ankylosing spondilytus and can barely get around anymore.


Have you any symptoms of pain or decreased range of motion? I only ask because AS is one of the prevalent congenital spondyloarthropathies. You can be tested for HLA B27 to see if your predisposed. Sorry to threadjack, but diseases of the spinal column are no joke.


----------



## LongWalk

No reason to meet her for chit chat. Tell her to go your trial. There she can see the consequences of her behavior in the eyes of society. Good ethics lesson for her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> She promised if I came back she would do anything and everything to make it up to me, and that the OM was probably going back to prison for parole violation so he was out of her life for good.


Can you handle the thought, which will creep up, that you might be Plan B since he went back to prison?


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By BashfulBull
> What do you guy's think? Should I go see her?


*You said that it is over between you two. When it is over it is over; no need to talk, hug, cry, and get weak again*.



Consider this:
Tell the judge that the ex-con hit with his cane FIRST; then tell the judge that he hit you with a cane because you were trying to take your wife home because they were ***ing each other after only knowing each other for 2 months.

Adultery may not be a crime in your state but I know judges that hate that kind of shyt, they just cannot say that in court.


You can also tell the judge that you swore to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The above is the whole truth!


----------



## The Middleman

BashfulBull said:


> What do you guy's think? Should I go see her?


Let me put it this way, fvck NO!



BashfulBull said:


> Wish me luck. If you dont hear back from me for a few days then I'm probably in jail.


Best of luck to you. You'll do fine.


----------



## Shaggy

Don't see her and most definitely don't have sex (with her)


----------



## The Middleman

Shaggy said:


> Don't see her and most definitely don't have sex (with her)


Listen to this man. The last thing you need is to get her pregnant.


----------



## Shaggy

To be a bit on the TMI side, but others have taken things in hand themselves before such visits so as to remove temptation.

Also eating a bunch of garlic might work to ward off the vampire.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> To be a bit on the TMI side, but others have taken things in hand themselves before such visits so as to remove temptation.
> 
> Also eating a bunch of garlic might work to ward off the vampire.


:iagree:


----------



## LongWalk

Mr Blunt said:


> *You said that it is over between you two. When it is over it is over; no need to talk, hug, cry, and get weak again*.
> 
> 
> 
> Consider this:
> Tell the judge that the ex-con hit with his cane FIRST; then tell the judge that he hit you with a cane because you were trying to take your wife home because they were ***ing each other after only knowing each other for 2 months.
> 
> Adultery may not be a crime in your state but I know judges that hate that kind of shyt, they just cannot say that in court.
> 
> You can also tell the judge that you swore to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The above is the whole truth!


:iagree:

Tell him something like that. All you were doing was taking your wife's hand to go home to talk about what was wrong with the your marriage and he hit you with the cane. You just defended yourself.

Hope your wife will be sitting there in the court, feeling some shame. When she comes up to you thank her for coming. Shake her hand. Offer her good luck and walk away. If she won't leave you alone walk back in the courtroom and ask a sheriff to speak to her.

She can tell all her friends she saw you one last time in court. You were brave and handsome and it broke her heart that he wouldn't talk to me.


----------



## happyman64

BB

Good luck and keep moving on.

There are better woman out there for you.

Hm


----------



## BashfulB

Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks. 

The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked. 

This coffee tastes good.


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks.
> 
> The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked.
> 
> This coffee tastes good.


:smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## tom67

Was your stbxw there in court?


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks.
> 
> The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked.
> 
> This coffee tastes good.


WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PARTY TIME..:toast:


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks.
> 
> The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked.
> 
> This coffee tastes good.


This post made my day...I'm so happy for you...time for a new life!! And the POSOM is still in the slammer...sometimes there is justice in this world....


----------



## Enginerd

BashfulBull said:


> Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks.
> 
> The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked.
> 
> This coffee tastes good.



The arresting officer did not want to make a criminal out of a good man. The "victim" was in jail with a history of crime. It was a no brainer for someone with some common sense. Congrats.


----------



## Tobyboy

By not showing up, the arresting officer "got your back". You realized that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dubsey

Honestly, it's probably not a coincidence the officer didn't show after reviewing the day's files for court.


----------



## BashfulB

tom67 said:


> Was your stbxw there in court?


No she's at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> This post made my day...I'm so happy for you...time for a new life!! And the POSOM is still in the slammer...sometimes there is justice in this world....


Thanks. Yes it's a huge relief. I can go home tonight and be back for work tomorrow. Losing my job was my big worry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Nice cop. Even nicer judge!

Enjoy the coffee. Get your stuff and leave the area....


----------



## BashfulB

Tobyboy said:


> By not showing up, the arresting officer "got your back". You realized that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's my thinking too. When he got to the scene he figured out pretty quickly what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Heading to the house to gather some more things and leave my keys. I'm not seeing the wife. I'll check in tomorrow. Thanks all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

BashfulBull said:


> Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks.
> 
> The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked.
> 
> This coffee tastes good.


That's great BB.

Any chance that could get expunged from your record down the road? If it's not too late, I'd ask your attorney about that. Sounds like the judge is in a forgiving mood.

If you didn't already have a record, even a misdemeanor could still could bite you in the butt years later if you apply for certain jobs.

Not trying to rain on your parade though. Good for you.


----------



## workindad

Great outcome. 

Also equally great decision not to see your wife. To us on yourself and your needs. 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

best news I've seen on this forum in a long time!


----------



## LongWalk

Tobyboy said:


> By not showing up, the arresting officer "got your back". You realized that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. Or he was having and affair and lost track of time.


----------



## LostViking

LongWalk said:


> Exactly. Or he was having and affair and lost track of time.


Or maybe he had better things to do with his time than make life hard for a good guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badcompany

badcompany said:


> I'd bet he could get it reduced to disturbing the peace under the circumstances.
> It would probably be worth the effort to see if the OM has a record-correction....does have a record. Maybe he's a tweaker or alcoholic and got his WW involved.
> If you go to court and POSOM has a bunch of priors they aren't going to have much of a leg to stand on.
> Was there any toxicology ran on any of you after the DV incident?



Nice...almost called it didn't I?

Good for you Bashfull:smthumbup:


----------



## Dad&Hubby

BashfulBull said:


> Heading to the house to gather some more things and leave my keys. I'm not seeing the wife. I'll check in tomorrow. Thanks all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best decision of the day...after savoring this mornings Win!!

Good Call BB!!:smthumbup:


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of BasfullBull*
> Just got out of court. Im enjoying coffe at a Starbucks.
> 
> The arresting officer never showed up. The judge reduced my offense to a class 1 misdemeanor Disturbing the Peace. He said something to the effect "so your wife has been a naughty lady huh?" $200 fine no probation. Even my lawyer was shocked.
> 
> This coffee tastes good
> 
> 
> *Previous post by Mr Blunt*
> Adultery may not be a crime in your state but I know judges that hate that kind of shyt, they just cannot say that in court.


Your judge almost said that adultery is shyt. Instead he said “Naughty” and then gave you a reduced sentence. I think the arresting officer also hates that betrayal Shyt and did what he could to help you.

As for your wife and the OM-loser-druggie I guess it is somewhat true that you reap what you sow. your wife’s future looks very dark unless she makes a HUGE turnaround but that is not your concern at all. The OM had better take his cane with him back to prison so that he can try to use the cane to keep sodomy thugs prisoners from making him their BYTCH.

BB, you got your job, a nice place to live, and you got rid of the infection that was damaging your heart and emotions. Without her and in a short time you will be healed from her betrayal. Your victory has many people here at TAM clapping. I have never seen a post like yours that is reprinted above get 18 LIKES!!!

*Not only will your coffee taste good, now a lot of other things will taste better.*

Keep on truckin BB!


Blunt


----------



## Shaggy

Keep your keys. Your still on the title/lease


----------



## the guy

badcompany said:


> I'd bet he could get it reduced to disturbing the peace under the circumstances.
> QUOTE]
> 
> The wisdom of complete strangers.....
> I love this community....
> TAM rules!


----------



## BashfulB

I went to the house and met my stepson there. It was a strange feeling to walk through those rooms where up until a month ago I thought I was living a normal life. It was a horrible feeling. I cleared out, left the keys and I will never go back. I was glad to see my stepson though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

I'm feeling low today. Even though the court case went well, I feel lonely as hell. It's nice to be back at my little trailer. My boss leaves this week and I will be alone out here for two months. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

dubsey said:


> Honestly, it's probably not a coincidence the officer didn't show after reviewing the day's files for court.


No, probably the prosecutor issued a court cancellation to the officer because the OP was going to plead. This is to reduce court/overtime costs, because the officer would get overtime for appearing in court unless he/she were already on duty. I issue court cancellations on a daily basis, we receive the notification from the prosecutor's office, then I relay the message to the officer that his/her court date has been cancelled due to the suspect pleading, the case being continued, or the prosecutor decides they don't require the testimony of the arresting officer(s).


----------



## BashfulB

I've decided I'm going to take the route of hate. I hate my WW for cheating me out of four years of my life. If she fights this divorce I will go into debt for the rest of my life to dig up as much dirt on her as I can and destroy her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe

BB, don't destroy yourself. You've heard the expression 'cut off your nose to spite your face'? Try to just move on. You're the better person.


----------



## badcompany

I agree don't mess with vengeance. Get your D, stay busy with work or non-relationship socializing until you heal, and then find a new woman. Your WW has got what she deserves and things will continue downhill from there for her as it is.


----------



## Enginerd

BB your anger will only allow her to take more years from you. Don't give her the satisfaction. Its time to find a FWB.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

I understand the hate and thinking that you need to hurt her back at all costs. I really do. But that old saying about when plotting revenge, don't for get to dig that 2nd grave, for your self - Rings so true here...

I know that it sounds cliché, but the other old saying of, let living a good life be your revenge, also rings true here.

THINK, long and hard before you do anything drastic. Trying to get back at a WS can cause ALLOT of collateral damage. You don't wan't end up wounding family, or friends while trying to get your payback...

I know it does not seem so now, but in time you'll come to realize that not damaging your future in an attempt to avenge what she did to you in the past - Was the right choice.

I'm serious. If you think your are about to do something drastic, force yourself to sleep on it. See how you feel the next Morning.

Don't do anything that will come back to haunt you. She's just not worth it. Not anymore.


----------



## BWBill

Living well is the best revenge.


----------



## BashfulB

I'm just feeling rage right now. I want to break something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> I'm just feeling rage right now. I want to break something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what OM's are for...

Just joking.

Go in a positive direction with it. Ex represented a bad direction for you in the end, release yourself of the burden and move on to greener pastures.


----------



## Decorum

Glad to hear about the court case BB.

Have you looked up the stages of grief online

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

(btw in the The Kübler-Ross model these are not completely linear i.e. you re-visit stages depending how you are wired)

Care to guess where you are now?

Hang in there, this too shall pass!

Take care!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BB, I just got caught back up on your thread. I just wanted to let you know that I have been here cheering you from the beginning. I love that you left, and have no intentions to go back. That's got to have her so fvcked up. I'm sure she expected you to forgive with open arms. I get so sick to my stomach reading posts from guys who have caught their wives cheating, and they fall all over themselves trying to get her back. I just want to scream, because they are not going to change and the poor guys will find out the hard way. (I'm sure I am bitter because a disgusting homewrecker destroyed my marriage.) So anyway, big high fives and hugs from me, I wish I could take you out for a beer. :toast:


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I've decided I'm going to take the route of hate. I hate my WW for cheating me out of four years of my life. If she fights this divorce I will go into debt for the rest of my life to dig up as much dirt on her as I can and destroy her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why destroy yourself? Hate will only burn you up. Your best revenge is living well. You said it yourself your STBXW was the jealous type - so go out and make a better life for yourself - that will drive her NUTS. Date, make new friends, build something new and even better this time around. Do you know what your STBXW's greatest punishment will be? Living with herself!! Shes in the process of crashing and burning - she will destroy herself you do not need to lift a finger.....


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Divorce and then live well. When I ended it with my ex-fiance, the best thing you can do is live a better life. I'm married, Have a house, a Graduate degree, 3 great kids by my wife, a couple of grand kids and an adult daughter by the ex.

Every once in awhile, I get the "what if" comment. It makes me smile, 19 years, later every time. Suffice it to say, her life is the exact opposite of mine. Oh I had the rage, but realized us ending was for the best. Dude, her SON is on your side, that's better revenge than anything you can do yourself.


----------



## BashfulB

A wild thing happened about an hour ago. I get a call from my stepson, except was not not my stepson -- it was my WW. 

She started in on me immediately, saying I was an a**hole for not coming to see her when I was there last week. She was crying and screaming and blathering, and then she started in on my stepson and I just lost it. I started screaming at her in return (something I NEVER did in our five year relationship) and I started to just unload all my fury on her. 

I must have gone off on her for a good five minutes, calling her every vile name a husband can call his wife, questioning her honesty and integrity, telling her how she cheated me out of half a decade of my life. She just sat there quiet and by the time I was done she was sobbing uncontrollably. I told her never to call me agin and that I had no more to say to her, and that there was nothing more I wanted from her but for her to sign the divorce agreement and send it back as soon as she could. 

Man I am furious! I have never been this mad in my life. My buddy here told me he has never seen me like this and he has known me for forty years. I have to get it under control somehow. 

I am normally the nicest, gentle giant you would ever meet. Before all this happened nothing ever got me down. I lived life day to day. But this whole experience is changing me, and not for the better. I went back and read some of the posts I recently made to other people's threads and I'm shocked and ashamed at some of the things I've written. I feel like I'm falling through a black hole.


----------



## Acabado

It will get better man.


----------



## southernsurf

One day at a time, head up feet forward and before you know it you'll trudge through this. No easy way to get through it. I forget how old are you again. 1st marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Been there done that.

Ya I let loose on my old lady over the phone and she took it.

It had to be said brother, cuz no one in this world has had to deal with the crap she did...no one in this world ever got the degree of betrayal she dished out.

Sure she may have had some friendships in her youth that went bad and small betrayal here and there, but the crap these waywards do to us is uncomparable and when we as betrayed unload it is at a degree that is unmatched by anything else.

Now that the anger stage is upon you becareful not to let it rule your life.

In short what else needs to be said?

It felt good to unload on Mrs. the-guy, it was something the both of us needed.

The thing of it is, no matter how one twists it or blameshifts....at the end of the day what you laid on her was right and true in every aspect....


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BB, she brought this on herself. Her going off on her own son says it all. Now that you got that primal scream off your chest take it easy. You don't need a heart attack now. Remember, you are still married to her and she will collect insurance. I don't imagine you want that


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BashfulBull said:


> A wild thing happened about an hour ago. I get a call from my stepson, except was not not my stepson -- it was my WW.
> 
> She started in on me immediately, saying I was an a**hole for not coming to see her when I was there last week. She was crying and screaming and blathering, and then she started in on my stepson and I just lost it. I started screaming at her in return (something I NEVER did in our five year relationship) and I started to just unload all my fury on her.
> 
> I must have gone off on her for a good five minutes, calling her every vile name a husband can call his wife, questioning her honesty and integrity, telling her how she cheated me out of half a decade of my life. She just sat there quiet and by the time I was done she was sobbing uncontrollably. I told her never to call me agin and that I had no more to say to her, and that there was nothing more I wanted from her but for her to sign the divorce agreement and send it back as soon as she could.
> 
> Man I am furious! I have never been this mad in my life. My buddy here told me he has never seen me like this and he has known me for forty years. I have to get it under control somehow.
> 
> I am normally the nicest, gentle giant you would ever meet. Before all this happened nothing ever got me down. I lived life day to day. But this whole experience is changing me, and not for the better. I went back and read some of the posts I recently made to other people's threads and I'm shocked and ashamed at some of the things I've written. I feel like I'm falling through a black hole.


Good for you! That had to be very liberating to be able to purge all that emotion onto her! She had it coming for sure. Its good you got angry, it will help you in the long run...just dont let it consume you.

Being betrayed really does change parts of you. You feel things you never even imagined. You see people differently. I know that I am still me, the same person I have always been, yet inside, there is an undercurrent of something different...its hard to describe it. Its like, a sadness, a new mistrust of the world that I never had before. Anger surfaces A LOT. On the positive side, I am hoping the whole experience makes me a better judge of my future partners. I would still love to find someone to spend my life with, but its going to take someone really amazing to break through my walls. I dont think I will be as easily contented.


----------



## aug

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> BB, she brought this on herself. Her going off on her own son says it all. Now that you got that primal scream off your chest take it easy. You don't need a heart attack now. Remember, you are still married to her and she will collect insurance. I don't imagine you want that


If you have insurance (from work, bought life insurance, etc) then change the beneficiary now.


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## Mr Blunt

> By BB
> I must have gone off on her for a good five minutes, calling her every vile name a husband can call his wife, questioning her honesty and integrity, telling her how she cheated me out of half a decade of my life.


Excellent BB excellent!!!

You need to vent and you vented in a very healthy way. You did not go out and whip someone’s Azz or take your anger out on an innocent person or committ any crime. That veny probably helped your anger at lest temporarily.

Get some help if you need so that you can unload that anger. You lost 4 years and that sucks. However, you can use the motivation you have to improve yourself in any way that you want. *Make her pain that she gave you make you better for yourself.*

Your emotions are bruised but they can get a LOT better. Do not apologize for being very angry; that is very normal. Just remember to channel the anger correctly and then do something positive for yourself that you always wanted to do. *The more self-sufficient you become the freer you become*. 



Blunt


----------



## Dad&Hubby

BashfulBull said:


> A wild thing happened about an hour ago. I get a call from my stepson, except was not not my stepson -- it was my WW.
> 
> She started in on me immediately, saying I was an a**hole for not coming to see her when I was there last week. She was crying and screaming and blathering, and then she started in on my stepson and I just lost it. I started screaming at her in return (something I NEVER did in our five year relationship) and I started to just unload all my fury on her.
> 
> I must have gone off on her for a good five minutes, calling her every vile name a husband can call his wife, questioning her honesty and integrity, telling her how she cheated me out of half a decade of my life. She just sat there quiet and by the time I was done she was sobbing uncontrollably. I told her never to call me agin and that I had no more to say to her, and that there was nothing more I wanted from her but for her to sign the divorce agreement and send it back as soon as she could.
> 
> Man I am furious! I have never been this mad in my life. My buddy here told me he has never seen me like this and he has known me for forty years. I have to get it under control somehow.
> 
> I am normally the nicest, gentle giant you would ever meet. Before all this happened nothing ever got me down. I lived life day to day. But this whole experience is changing me, and not for the better. I went back and read some of the posts I recently made to other people's threads and I'm shocked and ashamed at some of the things I've written. *I feel like I'm falling through a black hole.*


It's because you are, what the important question is "How will you come out the other side?"

I'm over a decade past my cheating ex. And although I wouldn't want to relive the pain and frustration of going through the divorce (I found out about the cheating after divorce was agreed to. Specifically when I mentioned "I think we need to get a divorce and her first reaction wasn't, maybe try counseling or something it was "So does that mean we can see other people?" :scratchhead I appreciate what it taught me in regards to my own strength, convictions and relationships.

In regards to the rage, if you're anything like me, 3 things.

1. Loud music - I don't know your tastes so go with what works (For me, I'd recommend Trenches by Pop Evil)
2. weights
and my personal favorite
3. 100lb-150lb Heavy Bag, I invested in the 150 because I didn't have someone holding it


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## workindad

BB stay strong on your divorce. Focus on the end and the chance to start over. You will find happiness and peace again. 

From my own experience. Careful with booze. It was too easy to get lost in that unhelpful crutch. 
Find a good counselor it does help. 

While I don't expect this to make feel any better my xw wasted 2 decades of my life. My point is that if I can come thru it so can you. You are not alone. 

Good luck 
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> Excellent BB excellent!!!
> 
> You need to vent and you vented in a very healthy way. You did not go out and whip someone’s Azz or take your anger out on an innocent person or committ any crime. That veny probably helped your anger at lest temporarily.
> 
> Get some help if you need so that you can unload that anger. You lost 4 years and that sucks. However, you can use the motivation you have to improve yourself in any way that you want. *Make her pain that she gave you make you better for yourself.*
> 
> Your emotions are bruised but they can get a LOT better. Do not apologize for being very angry; that is very normal. Just remember to channel the anger correctly and then do something positive for yourself that you always wanted to do. *The more self-sufficient you become the freer you become*.
> 
> 
> 
> Blunt


I am feeling better today to some extent. When I got into town this morning I called my stepson and we talked for a long time. He says the WW spent most of last night crying in her bedroom. He thinks she realizes how much she fvcked things up and she told him herself a couple days ago how messed up she was for doing what she did. 

He's about had it with her and is still looking for his own place. He thanked me for inviting him to come live here and go to school but he already signed up for next semester at the college he's attending.


----------



## BashfulB

Dad&Hubby said:


> It's because you are, what the important question is "How will you come out the other side?"
> 
> I'm over a decade past my cheating ex. And although I wouldn't want to relive the pain and frustration of going through the divorce (I found out about the cheating after divorce was agreed to. Specifically when I mentioned "I think we need to get a divorce and her first reaction wasn't, maybe try counseling or something it was "So does that mean we can see other people?" :scratchhead I appreciate what it taught me in regards to my own strength, convictions and relationships.
> 
> In regards to the rage, if you're anything like me, 3 things.
> 
> 1. Loud music - I don't know your tastes so go with what works (For me, I'd recommend Trenches by Pop Evil)
> 2. weights
> and my personal favorite
> 3. 100lb-150lb Heavy Bag, I invested in the 150 because I didn't have someone holding it


Thanks for the advice. I like country music by the way. 

I do not have access to weights. I used to lift weights when I was young but I have not for a long time. There are no gyms in this town and I could not afford membership anyway. 

I walk alot. I went for a long walk yesterday and felt better. I think I will just go for a long walk everyday to keep my heart strong. I don't eat much and have been steadily losing weight which is a good thing.


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## BashfulB

The goal now is to get my WW to sign the divorce agreement. Its a very fair agreement and I told her so yesterday, so we will see how it goes. I have a suspicion she will stonewall me and delay it as much as possible. 

I just want to be done with the whole thing. I'm not really angry today. I'm just emotionally tired and mentally worn out.


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## HeartbrokenW

Be glad it was only 4 yrs. I found out things weren't what they appeared to be after 13.


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> A wild thing happened about an hour ago. I get a call from my stepson, except was not not my stepson -- it was my WW.
> 
> She started in on me immediately, saying I was an a**hole for not coming to see her when I was there last week. She was crying and screaming and blathering, and then she started in on my stepson and I just lost it. I started screaming at her in return (something I NEVER did in our five year relationship) and I started to just unload all my fury on her.
> 
> I must have gone off on her for a good five minutes, calling her every vile name a husband can call his wife, questioning her honesty and integrity, telling her how she cheated me out of half a decade of my life. She just sat there quiet and by the time I was done she was sobbing uncontrollably. I told her never to call me agin and that I had no more to say to her, and that there was nothing more I wanted from her but for her to sign the divorce agreement and send it back as soon as she could.
> 
> Man I am furious! I have never been this mad in my life. My buddy here told me he has never seen me like this and he has known me for forty years. I have to get it under control somehow.
> 
> I am normally the nicest, gentle giant you would ever meet. Before all this happened nothing ever got me down. I lived life day to day. But this whole experience is changing me, and not for the better. I went back and read some of the posts I recently made to other people's threads and I'm shocked and ashamed at some of the things I've written. I feel like I'm falling through a black hole.


Good!! She should be crying..she needs to get her act together....thank God it's not your problem anymore...I do notice with some WW especially - they do have a flair for the dramatic..like their life is some tragic play or something..I say get over yourselves...sheesh...


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## BashfulB

HeartbrokenW said:


> Be glad it was only 4 yrs. I found out things weren't what they appeared to be after 13.


I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?


----------



## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> Good!! She should be crying..she needs to get her act together....thank God it's not your problem anymore...I do notice with some WW especially - they do have a flair for the dramatic..like their life is some tragic play or something..I say get over yourselves...sheesh...


One of the things that tells me she is upset about the whole situation is that she is crying and carrying on. My wife was always a stoic, unemotional type. She rarely ever cries 

Now, whether she is crying because of the pain she inflicted on me and she misses me, or if she is crying because she lost her comfy situation...that is the real question on my mind.


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> One of the things that tells me she is upset about the whole situation is that she is crying and carrying on. My wife was always a stoic, unemotional type. She rarely ever cries
> 
> Now, whether she is crying because of the pain she inflicted on me and she misses me, or if she is crying because she lost her comfy situation...that is the real question on my mind.


Lets be honest it is the second reason....she lost her situation...sorry man....


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## MattMatt

BB, when you are cheated on, it changes you. Even now, years later, my wife will sometimes say: "What happened to the fun Matt I met all those years ago?


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## Truthseeker1

MattMatt said:


> BB, when you are cheated on, it changes you. Even now, years later, my wife will sometimes say: "What happened to the fun Matt I met all those years ago?


Tell her "you killed him off"


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## BashfulB

Some good things are happening: I am getting more hours at work, and the assistant manager at the redi-mix company I work for says she might hire me on full-time. It all depends on this one driver they have who says he might leave at the end of next week. 

I also got my temp CDL permit that will cover me until my residency requirements are complete. I put in my application for the school bus driving job and the lady at the school district says she will call me if they want me to go take a psych exam. If that happens, she says I am a shoe-in. 

The bus driving gig would be just up my alley. I'm tired of driving big rigs, and I could probably work a side job along with it.


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## BashfulB

MattMatt said:


> BB, when you are cheated on, it changes you. Even now, years later, my wife will sometimes say: "What happened to the fun Matt I met all those years ago?


That is what took me so off guard. My wife never complained about me and seemed genuinely happy with our marriage. Now I think she was just happy having me there to support her and give her a decent place to live: something she could not provide for herself.


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> That is what took me so off guard. My wife never complained about me and seemed genuinely happy with our marriage. Now I think she was just happy having me there to support her and give her a decent place to live: something she could not provide for herself.


Well reality is about to bite her in the a**......


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## MattMatt

Truthseeker1 said:


> Tell her "you killed him off"


I did say something along those lines, after her affair was over.


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## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> Well reality is about to bite her in the a**......


I told her yesterday (after I ripped into her and calmed down) , that if she was smart she would call the landlord and use that $13k I left in the money market account to pay a for year of rent in advance. She went quiet, and I think that is when it really, finally, hit home to her that I wasn't coming back and that she could no longer look to me for support.


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## BashfulB

MattMatt said:


> I did say something along those lines, after her affair was over.


Did your wife ever have to suffer any consequence for her cheating? Did you kick her out for a while or anything?


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## LostViking

BashfulBull said:


> I told her yesterday (after I ripped into her and calmed down) , that if she was smart she would call the landlord and use that $13k I left in the money market account to pay a for year of rent in advance. She went quiet, and I think that is when it really, finally, hit home to her that I wasn't coming back and that she could no longer look to me for support.


Just remind her, and remind yourself, that she attacked you when you were beating down her lover. That in itself is proof that her loyalty had shifted to the other man. 

Now that he is back in jail and out of the picture, she may be coming out of her affair fog and may be seeing her betrayal in all its ugliness. It's possible she may be waking up to the reality of her deceit.


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## phillybeffandswiss

LostViking said:


> That in itself is proof that her loyalty had shifted to the other man.


Exactly. Loyalty seems easy until a stressful situation appears. That right there was proof who she chose and I don't care if she was in the "fog."


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> I told her yesterday (after I ripped into her and calmed down) , that if she was smart she would call the landlord and use that $13k I left in the money market account to pay a for year of rent in advance. She went quiet, and I think that is when it really, finally, hit home to her that I wasn't coming back and that she could no longer look to me for support.


She is lucky you are a kind a fair man. Many men would have emptied out the account and spread it around Vegas...


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## HeartbrokenW

BashfulBull said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?


The condensed version: We were married for 13 yrs with a DD12. Xh was an OTR truck driver at the time. I have a good career, basically supported us. He has a son from a prior relationship that I was paying his support for, because he never had the money. When we first got together, he occasionally smoked pot. I told him I didn't want that in my life and he told me he'd quit. On 9/16/12, I called him, and he asked for a divorce. Like you, I thought we were happy, there wasn't anything wrong. No amount of persuasion would convince him 13 yrs was worth saving. So i filed on 10/2/12. If he wanted a divorce, he was going to get one. 

Early Oct, he signed over our house to me. I have an adult son from a prior marriage. When I called him and told him we were divorcing, he told me x never quit smoking pot, and when he went back on the road, he switched to synthetic cannabis so it wouldn't show up in drug tests. X was in the hospital on 10/20 in OH with stomach pain. On 10/30/12, he had a seizure in a restaurant in KY. They flew a driver in to take over his load. He rented a car and drove home. Well he didn't come home, he stayed in IL. He drove up to WI when I needed him to so I could refinance the house into my name. I worked diligently to separate finances. Nov I finished the refinance on the house. I was worried about his child support and having a lien put on the house if his name was still on it. 

Dr put him on a 90 day restriction from driving. He ran up 20,000+ in medical bills, of which about 5000 my ins didn't cover. He had already signed the divorce agreement, which stated we were both responsible for our own uncovered medical after Oct 2. Early Feb, I found out he was living with a gal in IL, that he worked with for 6 yrs before going back on the road. In Feb, they moved back up here and in with his brother. He swears nothing happened between them while we were married, but you have to wonder. 

No job, no money, he maxed out his CC's. He says he can't drive anymore because he's not taking his blood pressure medication and doesn't think he can pass the DOT physical. He's working cash jobs as a lumper. Our divorce was final Feb 2013. I didn't ask for any child support. I know he's in a world of hurt right now and I don't need his money to raise our daughter. He sees her occasionally, she usually doesn't want to go. they have an upstairs apartment, and there's nothing to do when she does go. 

I'm still hung up on the fact that I never knew that we had issues in his eyes. I thought would be together forever. I didn't know he was still smoking pot. He hid it well. At this point, I'm so glad I filed when I did, and drew the line in the sand. I'm taking it day by day now, and surviving.


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## BashfulB

That's a sad tale. 

One of the reasons I stayed single for so long was because I was an independent operator. I knew better at the time I was trucking that marriage was out of the question. The money was not good enough to support a wife and kids and I was on the road for weeks at a time. I had a little place that I called home but I never spent any time there. Trucking can be a lonely life. That's why I sold my truck and settled down when I met and married my wife. I don't regret it. The trucking took a toll on my health and frankly I had grown tired of the life. 

And unfortunately there is alot of drug abuse in that profession. I'm surprised your ex has a marijuana problem. Most drugs that truckers use are stimulants. I had alot of associates who were hooked on coke, meth, speed, you name it. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartbrokenW

I dunno, its like the last 13 yrs was like living a lie. Its also a good thing that you guys don't have any kids. That really complicates the issue.


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## Jasel

Bash how are you doing??


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## BashfulB

Everything is going fine. Thank you for asking. I haven't checked in to report because nothing has really changed. I've been working longer hours too, which is a good thing. I'm saving up to rent a house in case my company hires me on full time. I'm enjoying an evening of drinking and dancing with friends and I met up with that cute little dish I talked to a couple of weeks ago. She's sweet and seems interested in dating but I reminded her I was still married and couldn't go out with her at this time. 

Have not spoken to my WW since the last time. If I do not hear from my attorney that she has returned the divorce agreement then I will have to call her again. I expect she will stall and play a waiting game to see if I change my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

BashfulBull said:


> I expect she will stall and play a waiting game to see if I change my mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Phuck that!!!! Make your Moves and force this to a finish!

From were I'm sitting you have a nice dish in waiting and if you let your old lady stall she will.....force the move.

Expidiate this now and start moving on...before you get another head phuck.

Your old lady is quit now, but as soon as she loses her current lay, she will be on the horn..calling for a lay" for old time sakes".

Thats my $0.02

Get this sh1t done brother! It will come back again and a again if you don't.

Been here too damn long to see how this will go. 

Finish it!


I understand you can't control what you have no control over, but its just to easy to get lost....stay focused and please finish this!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

I agree with the_guy. Tell your lawyer to ramrod it through. Waiting for her to make a move will be like waiting for water to flow uphill. Aint gunna happen.


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## the guy

Waiting for her to make a move would be like waiting for Al Kida to ask for a peace treaty.

Great, I just used the word Al kida...now we are all screwed and the NSA or DOD are all over this thread. LOL

Back to point, your wife will not make a move.
Think about it, she strung you along back then she will string you along now. In her head all she needs to do is send you some naked pics and a fake smile and your all hers......

Prove her wrong, give your step kid a great example of a man, and go find that "nice dish".


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Everything is going fine. Thank you for asking. I haven't checked in to report because nothing has really changed. I've been working longer hours too, which is a good thing. I'm saving up to rent a house in case my company hires me on full time. *I'm enjoying an evening of drinking and dancing with friends and I met up with that cute little dish I talked to a couple of weeks ago*. She's sweet and seems interested in dating but I reminded her I was still married and couldn't go out with her at this time.
> 
> Have not spoken to my WW since the last time. If I do not hear from my attorney that she has returned the divorce agreement then I will have to call her again. I expect she will stall and play a waiting game to see if I change my mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad to hear it and keep the pressure on for the divorce....


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## ScubaSteve61

BashfulBull said:


> She's sweet and seems interested in dating but I reminded her I was still married and couldn't go out with her at this time.


Good attitude to have, man!


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## BashfulB

Called my WW last night and we actually had a somewhat civil conversation. I went through the divorce agreement with her and she said she agreed with it but wanted her lawyer to look at it. 

"You don't have a lawyer," said I. "Our lawyer's paralegal is the one mediating this. The whole idea is to keep the lawyers out of it and go cheap." 

"Ohhhhh," she said. She's dumb and slvtty. Guess that's what attracted me to her huh? LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

BashfulBull

Do whatever you have to do to get that legal paper that gives you a fair deal. It is not yoru responsibility to cure her from being “… dumb and slvtty”


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## LostViking

How are you doing Bull?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

So over the weekend I was making calls to my WW to find out if she had signed the D agreement or not. I could not get hold of her. Come to find out last night from my stepson that she had disappeared after work last Friday and did not come home until six or so yesterday evening, strung out and looking like a death camp inmate and collapsed into bed and would not tell him where she had been. My stepson says she is losing weight fast. She is not keeping house and he spent all day yesterday cleaning house because she is letting it get filthy. She's a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScubaSteve61

BashfulBull said:


> So over the weekend I was making calls to my WW to find out if she had signed the D agreement or not. I could not get hold of her. Come to find out last night from my stepson that she had disappeared after work last Friday and did not come home until six or so yesterday evening, strung out and looking like a death camp inmate and collapsed into bed and would not tell him where she had been. My stepson says she is losing weight fast. She is not keeping house and he spent all day yesterday cleaning house because she is letting it get filthy. She's a mess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like its not a karma bus hitting her, but a full on karma freight train...


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## Thorburn

BashfulBull said:


> So over the weekend I was making calls to my WW to find out if she had signed the D agreement or not. I could not get hold of her. Come to find out last night from my stepson that she had disappeared after work last Friday and did not come home until six or so yesterday evening, strung out and looking like a death camp inmate and collapsed into bed and would not tell him where she had been. My stepson says she is losing weight fast. She is not keeping house and he spent all day yesterday cleaning house because she is letting it get filthy. She's a mess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because she has no plan or if she did it went in the crapper. Similar thing happened to my wife. After d-day in February, she went from taking charge, seeing other men, to "oh crap, what did I do?" Then her life started to really crumble.


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## LongWalk

Sad. She is not your wife much longer. But you can't help feeling bad about her self destruction. Do you feel like contacting her to tell her to pull herself together?


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## LostViking

Check her bank account and see how much of that $13k she has spent. If it is way down I bet she is using drugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Sad. She is not your wife much longer. But you can't help feeling bad about her self destruction. Do you feel like contacting her to tell her to pull herself together?


Tried all weekend and this morning but she is ignoring me. I do admit I worry about her. I still love the woman God help me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

LostViking said:


> Check her bank account and see how much of that $13k she has spent. If it is way down I bet she is using drugs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She moved that money over to her own account. She told me she was going to. It was still there last week until last Wednesday when she closed the joint account out. I have no way of telling. She said she was going to use it for the rent, but who knows?

I do think it is drugs. My stepson said he didn't find anything in her room. If she is using she is probably doing it with the OM at his place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

BashfulBull said:


> She moved that money over to her own account. She told me she was going to. It was still there last week until last Wednesday when she closed the joint account out. I have no way of telling. She said she was going to use it for the rent, but who knows?
> 
> I do think it is drugs. My stepson said he didn't find anything in her room. If she is using she is probably doing it with the OM at his place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You cannot save her if she is bent on solving her problems by creating new ones. You can always send her an old fashioned letter in the post. But then you would be creating a channel of communication that was unequal, since you have no intention of giving her your address.

As far as the money goes, you left it there intentionally. Don't second guess yourself on this point.


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## doubletrouble

It's difficult to watch someone you love slide downhlil from their poor choices. I watched, felt helpless as our DD did that a couple years ago. All you can be as a parent is there for her when she's done with her destructive ways. 

All you can be as a BS watching WS do it to herself is pity. But no KISA crap from you, BB!


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## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> She moved that money over to her own account. She told me she was going to. It was still there last week until last Wednesday when she closed the joint account out. I have no way of telling. She said she was going to use it for the rent, but who knows?
> 
> I do think it is drugs. My stepson said he didn't find anything in her room. If she is using she is probably doing it with the OM at his place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know it's drugs.

I feel for you and your stepson.

If your stepson is a minor you can report her or you can deal with it directly.

The OM has her hooked and all that money is going to go up her nose....

Very sad.


----------



## tom67

happyman64 said:


> You know it's drugs.
> 
> I feel for you and your stepson.
> 
> If your stepson is a minor you can report her or you can deal with it directly.
> 
> The OM has her hooked and all that money is going to go up her nose....
> 
> Very sad.


The stepson has to get out of there in my opinion. She will go downhill fast if he has anything of value tell him to take the items out of her place before she pawns them.


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## BashfulB

My stepson is working on getting into his own place by the end of the month. He's pretty scared that she is going to end up in the gutter. He doesn't know if she is still seeing the OM or not, but she barely talks to him anymore. She just shuts herself up in her room all evening. 

I knew when I met her that she had gone through addiction problems before. She and her ex-husband were coke users in the 90s. Then she went to rehab in '97 or so and cleaned up. I don't think her ex ever did and I think that's why he beat up on her alot. It was a bad situation. And it angers me that she went through all that hell and cleaned herself up, then she married me, and now for no damn good reason she jumped back into it with the OM. It's just such a waste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

Nobody really wins if your wife goes into the gutter. It is really sad and I feel for your step son. I really hope that your wife makes some changes so that she can get better. From what I have read about you Bull you are going to be alright even if you do have a broken heart. That broken heart will fade every month.

It is rough Bull but you are now in the jungle and the rule is only the strong survive. In other words, I know you would like to help your wife but, *it is now the survival of the fittest.* You need to work on only you for a while. *When you get stronger you will be able to help those that you can help and want to help.*

Your wife is obviously lacking something major in her life otherwise she would not have given up a good man like you and the security that you provided for a fling with an ex-junkie criminal that has no future at all. If she has turned back to drugs there is almost nothing you can do for her. She will have to hit bottom then get the right kind of help.

I actually feel sorry for your wife and maybe you do to, maybe you are getting a little soft on her but you cannot afford to be in contact with her, only to get legal divorce. *She is on her way down and you should stay away from her or you will go down also.*


Blunt


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## BashfulB

Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.

Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


Sheesh..I know it hurts but its not your problem anymore. Your STBXW has a destructive personality. Get as far away from her path of destruction as possible.


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## Fisherman

BashfulBull said:


> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


Man that's sad.


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


Because you care. She needs to bottom out. Tell stepson if he wants to move in with you. I knew it was drugs, sorry.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> Why oh why do I care?


Emotions have a dimmer not an on and off switch.


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


Poor man's cocaine. Then the teeth turn green.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

She's beyond your help now, so try to concentrate on yourself and your stepson. Not her.

If she's hooked on meth, all bets are off. If you see her heading your way - Don't walk, RUN, in the opposite direction. Nothing good will come from you talking to her now.

I feel for your stepson and you. My XW slid hard about three years after we divorced and the more I tried to help her the more it backfired on me.

Her Mother and Sister finally called DSS to investigate her because they were worried about my (at the time) 6 year old Daughter. That's what snapped her out of it.

She's her families problem now.


----------



## the guy

BashfulBull said:


> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


Thank God the boy started working on his own business and taking care of sh1t...just imagine if your old lady didn't kick him out and this all blind sided the poor boy.

Hell you old lady did him a favor way back when...it phucken prepared him for things to come.

The young man is a hell of alot a head of the game.

Again, thank goodness the boy was heading for indipendence way before she got popped.

I think the boy owes his mom a thank you for kicking him out...what a month ago? Heaven forebid the boy still be dependent on this crazy chick.


----------



## LongWalk

Very sad. Bad drug. Hard to help. If she's incarcerated, she'll have a chance to clear her head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Originally Posted by BashfulBull *
> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


You care because you are normal

Thank God you do not have any children with this woman and the child that she does have is old enough to take care of himself.

*Bull, start taking some actions that will build you up. In addition, make yourself stop the thoughts about her; there is NOTHING you can do now anyway*.

Like I said in my earlier post to you.


*



it is now the survival of the fittest. You need to work on only you for a while. 

She is on her way down and you should stay away from her or you will go down also

Click to expand...

**You are going to have to break your emotional dependence on her.* You did not cause her demise and you cannot fix her demise! If you do not get tough you will go down!

Blunt


----------



## LostViking

Bull I'm so sorry. This has to be tough, but at least this explains alot of her behavior. 

I was just thinking, have you gone to the doctor and gotten tested for STDs? If she was using while the two of you were still together she could have put you at risk if you had sex with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Bull, 

She was headed down this road anyway, I really feel for you though.

She will have to seek help for herself there really is no other way.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> Well it is official. My stepson called me this afternoon. My wife got picked up for possession of meth.
> 
> Unreal. I feel like I got my guts ripped out. Why oh why do I care?


I think we all saw that one coming....

Is your stepson a minor?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I feel so bad for your poor stepson. What a mess. Thank goodness you arent still there in the middle of this crap.


----------



## BashfulB

happyman64 said:


> I think we all saw that one coming....
> 
> Is your stepson a minor?


No he is 20.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

I fell apart a little last night. Thank you all for the support. I looked back through my memory and I guess I should have noticed the signs. The staying out late, the mood swings, the way she would often disappear for hours at a time without telling me. Me being a trusting fool I never thought to question her. It feels like the whole past year or so has been a sham.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

tom67 said:


> Because you care. She needs to bottom out. Tell stepson if he wants to move in with you. I knew it was drugs, sorry.


He has an open offer to come stay with me and go to tech college here. I reminded him of that last night. Problem is he has a girl back there he does not want to leave behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> I fell apart a little last night. Thank you all for the support. I looked back through my memory and I guess I should have noticed the signs. The staying out late, the mood swings, the way she would often disappear for hours at a time without telling me. Me being a trusting fool I never thought to question her. It feels like the whole past year or so has been a sham.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trusting someone is not foolish. Trusting them after they show you who you are ...well.... I leave that one up to Confucius, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You trusted her, she betrayed you. Now you know who she really is. Don't blame yourself for her destructive behavior. Don't look back thinking on shoulda, woulda coulda,... that thinking will never end and will only make you sick. Look forward....Think Forward....Straight ahead....


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> He has an open offer to come stay with me and go to tech college here. I reminded him of that last night. Problem is he has a girl back there he does not want to leave behind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Might be best he stay near his mom. She needs to go to rehab after the county lockup. I assume she will do some sort of time for possession. Maybe not. She might be a s$itty wife but she is still his mom and I understand he is her only child. She is a sick woman with an illness, She needs his support. That does not mean he is condoning her behavior but she is alone and he is her only son. Going forward if she refuses to help herself then he will know what he has to do.


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> I fell apart a little last night. Thank you all for the support. I looked back through my memory and I guess I should have noticed the signs. The staying out late, the mood swings, the way she would often disappear for hours at a time without telling me. Me being a trusting fool I never thought to question her. It feels like the whole past year or so has been a sham.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Makes me wonder if it wasn't her having an affair, but in reality trading sex to pay for her habit (as you said the OM was a criminal with a drug use past)?

Glad the boy has a decent head on his shoulders.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Squeakr said:


> Glad the boy has a decent head on his shoulders.


Yes and always take credit for that BB.4 years, with a legit father figure, is more helpful than you will ever know. I worked with kids and you'd be surprised what a once month big brother visit does, let alone a daily father figure.


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> Makes me wonder if it wasn't her having an affair, but in reality trading sex to pay for her habit (as you said the OM was a criminal with a drug use past)?
> 
> Glad the boy has a decent head on his shoulders.


My wife the meth wh-re. Wow. That hurt when it sunk in. Maybe so. Maybe that was her gig. Guess I better see the doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt

> I fell apart a little last night. Thank you all for the support. I looked back through my memory and I guess I should have noticed the signs. The staying out late, the mood swings, the way she would often disappear for hours at a time without telling me. Me being a trusting fool I never thought to question her. It feels like the whole past year or so has been a sham


.



Bull
A lot of people on this thread have given you a much needed boost; they have tons of empathy and good advice for you. Probably because many of us have had our heart broken before just like you. You have shown gratitude as they have helped you and will continue to help you with empathy, advice, and understanding.


I am going to respond in a little different fashion.

*YOU NEED TO GET YOUR AZZ IN GEAR!*

What I mean is that you need to do something that interests you so that it will help you keep those morose thoughts from dominating your mind. You can not afford to fall apart many more times. You have a job and you have your wounded emotions to heal. Yes they will eventually heal if you take the right steps.

*ACTIONS ACTIONS ACTIONS in an area that interests you and/or builds you up*.

You are a good man and your step son is proving that. You were a caring man that trusted; that is another feather in your cap. Now that you know she is a cheater and a meth user you will only be a fool if you do not take actions to get away from her and get your life better.

PS I have experience loving a meth user

Blunt


----------



## BashfulB

I'm the husband of a meth addict who most likely traded her body for her fixes. Humph! How about that? Man I feel special. 

Called some family members and I've been getting the "I told you so!" comments all morning. They are glad I dumped her. But all I can think about is our wedding day. The most perfect day of my life. It keeps playing over and over in my head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> Bull
> A lot of people on this thread have given you a much needed boost; they have tons of empathy and good advice for you. Probably because many of us have had our heart broken before just like you. You have shown gratitude as they have helped you and will continue to help you with empathy, advice, and understanding.
> 
> 
> I am going to respond in a little different fashion.
> 
> *YOU NEED TO GET YOUR AZZ IN GEAR!*
> 
> What I mean is that you need to do something that interests you so that it will help you keep those morose thoughts from dominating your mind. You can not afford to fall apart many more times. You have a job and you have your wounded emotions to heal. Yes they will eventually heal if you take the right steps.
> 
> *ACTIONS ACTIONS ACTIONS in an area that interests you and/or builds you up*.
> 
> You are a good man and your step son is proving that. You were a caring man that trusted; that is another feather in your cap. Now that you know she is a cheater and a meth user you will only be a fool if you do not take actions to get away from her and get your life better.
> 
> PS I have experience loving a meth user
> 
> Blunt


I hear what you are saying. Believe me I am trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Keep moving forward-----you can do this!
Spend time with friends and get some exercise----it will help!


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I'm the husband of a meth addict who most likely traded her body for her fixes. Humph! How about that? Man I feel special.
> 
> *Called some family members and I've been getting the "I told you so!" comments all morning.* They are glad I dumped her. *But all I can think about is our wedding day. The most perfect day of my life.* It keeps playing over and over in my head.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Those comments from family are not helpful at all..you are hurting enough. 

Bull - remember the wedding day was a fantasy - a movie - you were marrying a false image not the real woman. Now the movie is over. Now begin to dig - why did you pick her? What was it about her that made you love her? You need to figure out why - so you can avoid this the next time you enter a serious relationship. Keep punching Bull...:smthumbup:


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Originally *Posted by BashfulBull *
> I'm the husband of a meth addict who most likely traded her body for her fixes. Humph! How about that? Man I feel special.
> 
> Called some family members and I've been getting the "I told you so!" comments all morning. They are glad I dumped her. But *all I can think about is our wedding day*. The most perfect day of my life. It keeps playing over and over in my head.



Bull
The bold underlined above is what I was addressing in my earlier post.
You said 
*But all I can think about is our wedding day.*
*NO IT IS NOT!*

You can force yourself to reduce a whole LOT of that!
There are things that you can do that will build you up and you will have to force yourself to GET YOUR AZZ IN GEAR!

I know that the urge to think on those things that touch your emotions so deep are very tempting, almost irresistible, but yet NOT irresistible.

What this woman did to you was attack your self esteem, your manhood. Believe me I know this can be very damaging but you can overcome. If you do not you will become a dishrag-doormat-wuzz!

*You are a good man so start acting like it and ONLY concentrate on building yourself up. We can not do that for you so get going, your future depends on it*


----------



## OlderAndWiser

BashfulBull said:


> I'm the husband of a meth addict who most likely traded her body for her fixes. Humph! How about that? Man I feel special.
> 
> Called some family members and I've been getting the "I told you so!" comments all morning. They are glad I dumped her. But all I can think about is our wedding day. The most perfect day of my life. It keeps playing over and over in my head.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bashfull....

Been following your post. Sorry man. But, no fault on your end, nothing you could have done. Don't beat yourself up. The only thing you can do for her is pray for her.


----------



## carmen ohio

Bashfull,

This is probably the best thing that could have happened to her. Now, she will be forced to confront her problems and maybe she will start to fix her life.

It will be up to her, though, just as it was up to her whether to start down the road to ruin. No one can prevent anyone else from self-destructing.

Don't blame yourself.


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> My wife the meth wh-re. Wow. That hurt when it sunk in. Maybe so. Maybe that was her gig. Guess I better see the doctor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You are right with the comment that it is "her" gig. It is not yours and don't beat yourself up about it. I didn't mean to insinuate anything about hers or your character, just that it is a bad drug and can make people do stupid and pitiful things. When I was stationed at 29 Palms, I saw the effects first hand (the high desert is like the meth production capital of the world). I saw good marines change before my eyes. Never thought they could be that way. Went from good men, to showy with lots of new toys, to strung out zombie types all rather quickly too. After they were busted the truth came out and they started selling for some extra cash and then started sampling and went down hill from there.

It is not your fault and you should not feel ashamed. I know where you are at, as I feel the same sorts of shame when I think that I am the husband of a serial cheater. Makes me feel like total $hit but then I have to remember that she abandoned the entire family and her friends to take up this lifestyle and I had nothing to do with it (no matter how much she rewrites the marriage history).

Keep your chin up and Semper Fi, you are a good man.


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> You are right with the comment that it is "her" gig. It is not yours and don't beat yourself up about it. I didn't mean to insinuate anything about hers or your character, just that it is a bad drug and can make people do stupid and pitiful things. When I was stationed at 29 Palms, I saw the effects first hand (the high desert is like the meth production capital of the world). I saw good marines change before my eyes. Never thought they could be that way. Went from good men, to showy with lots of new toys, to strung out zombie types all rather quickly too. After they were busted the truth came out and they started selling for some extra cash and then started sampling and went down hill from there.
> 
> It is not your fault and you should not feel ashamed. I know where you are at, as I feel the same sorts of shame when I think that I am the husband of a serial cheater. Makes me feel like total $hit but then I have to remember that she abandoned the entire family and her friends to take up this lifestyle and I had nothing to do with it (no matter how much she rewrites the marriage history).
> 
> Keep your chin up and Semper Fi, you are a good man.


Thank you for that. I am going to spend a the rest of the day mourning. Tomorrow is a new day and I will move on. The mind is the hardest hill to capture. But like my gunny used to say,"keep your eyes on the objective. Never stop moving towards it. Run,stoop, crawl on your belly for a mile to get to it if you have to." Man I wish he was here to kick my a$$. 

Semper fi brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

Squeakr is right. Drug addiction is an illness. Divorce is a must. Write her a get well card. There is nothing more you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

I called the police station where my wife lives. She has been charged with one count possession *for sale* of over 8oz of meth. Half a pound... I shudder when I think how much meth that is. Holy fvck.

That is a class 4 felony in her state. She could go away for five years.

Stupid fvcking woman. Stupid stupid stupid fvcking woman. My stepson is a wreck.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> I called the police station where my wife lives. She has been charged with one count possession *for sale* of over 8oz of meth. Half a pound... I shudder when I think how much meth that is. Holy fvck.
> 
> That is a class 4 felony in her state. She could go away for five years.
> 
> Stupid fvcking woman. Stupid stupid stupid fvcking woman. My stepson is a wreck.


Classic. Woman starts dealing as a cover for scumbag "boyfriend". 

More like 5 to 40. If she smart she will flip on her POS 'boyfriend'. 

Count your lucky starts you started divorce proceedings. From what little I have read on this forfeiture laws can be severe.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Was she busted by the state or the Feds? Is the POS a outlaw biker?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BTW, again I am so sorry for you and your stepson. Her, I pity as a very foolish woman.


----------



## BashfulB

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Was she busted by the state or the Feds? Is the POS a outlaw biker?


City police. They would not tell me details, only what she is charged with. She had her intial appearance before a judge yesterday and the complaint was turned over to the District Attorney. That is all I know. 

The OM has a Harley and is covered with tats. He does not wear the usual denim vest and colors. He may have been a gang member in the past, or just a wannabe. I don't know. All I know is he did time for narcotics. 

My wife never showed any interest in guys like this. Her ex was not a biker, nor am I. Every aberration in her character over the past year *has* to be drug related, *or* she is going through the worst midlife crisis any woman has ever gone through. But I think the drugs did this. 

I just didn't see it. She hid it so damn well.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I called the police station where my wife lives. She has been charged with one count possession *for sale* of over 8oz of meth. Half a pound... I shudder when I think how much meth that is. Holy fvck.
> 
> That is a class 4 felony in her state. She could go away for five years.
> 
> Stupid fvcking woman. Stupid stupid stupid fvcking woman. My stepson is a wreck.


:slap: Wow..5 years...wow...she is a mess...Bull i'm so sorry man but you need to keep pressing forward with the divorce..there is nothing you can do for her now...help your stepson through this...since there is a chance his mother will be going away for a few years...he will need you now more then ever...


----------



## warlock07

Do you plan to get in contactt with her'?


----------



## BashfulB

warlock07 said:


> Do you plan to get in contactt with her'?


Yes. I have to find out when I can get off work to drive there.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> City police. They would not tell me details, only what she is charged with. She had her intial appearance before a judge yesterday and the complaint was turned over to the District Attorney. That is all I know.
> 
> The OM has a Harley and is covered with tats. He does not wear the usual denim vest and colors. He may have been a gang member in the past, or just a wannabe. I don't know. All I know is he did time for narcotics.
> 
> My wife never showed any interest in guys like this. Her ex was not a biker, nor am I. Every aberration in her character over the past year *has* to be drug related, *or* she is going through the worst midlife crisis any woman has ever gone through. But I think the drugs did this.
> 
> I just didn't see it. She hid it so damn well.


Cheaters are excellent liars. Don't second guess yourself on missing things. You were on the road half the time. She took advantage of your honesty and your decency and betrayed you. Nothing you could have done about that. 

Women's correctional facilities are chock full of woman sentenced under drug crimes sentences related to their choice of boyfriend. 

Since the POS is probably not a gang member maybe she can turn states evidence, implicate him and walk away with less time. May have to move away but might be worth it. I mention the gang aspect because having those savages after you is no trivial matter. 

BTW, I think now you know why the cop never showed up at your hearing and the judge went so easy. Judge could have re-scheduled another day ordering the police officer to appear. Sounds like the state did not push it. They were both probably under investigation. .....You really did a public service. The cops at their bar probably had a round for you thinking of you smacking POS around. No one likes a meth dealer.


----------



## PieceOfSky

warlock07 said:


> Do you plan to get in contactt with her'?





BashfulBull said:


> Yes. I have to find out when I can get off work to drive there.


Do you think you are vulnerable to getting sucked back into her life and attempts to save her or fix things for her?

If so, do you think that visiting her makes you more vulnerable to that risk?

I can imagine multiple reasons why I would be tempted to see her. But, there is a part of my brain that is shouting to me: Danger! Danger!

No expert here, but my hunch is consciously and carefully setting, monitoring, and enforcing boundaries/limits on oneself, in situations such as yours, is of upmost importance. Sometimes it can be cruel to be kind, for the giver as well as the taker.

Just a thought.


----------



## BashfulB

Just a quick update:

I drove down Saturday night and had visitation with my wife on Sunday. I only got to see her for about fifteen minutes. I brought the divorce agreement with me and she signed it. So that is done. That was my main reason for going. 

Not much was said. She sat there in her orange jumpsuit, looking like an old woman I could hardly recognise. Tears running down her face. I did not lay into her or chastise her. We just sat and didn't say much. 

She knows she is in deep trouble. I asked her if the meth she was caught with was from the OM and she said no. The OM got her back into using, then she got hooked and after that he was her main supplier. Then after he got busted she went to see his dealer and soon after she started running meth from dealer to dealer and they would give her a cut of it. She was never actually selling, she was just a transporter. I asked her if she ever traded sex for her hits and she said only with the OM. 

She told me she hates herself and hates what she has done. I asked her if it was worth throwing me and her son away for drugs and she just sat silent and cried more. After a while I got sick of the silence and I told her good luck with her case and then I got up to leave. Then she asked me if she could e-mail me and I told her yes. I gave her my new e-mail and I said I would be there for her to talk to, but I made it clear I was not getting back together with her. Then I left and drove home.

And that was that.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

I am so sorry


----------



## BK23

What a nightmare. For what it's worth, I think you've conducted yourself with dignity and respect and handled this terrible situation about as well as is humanly possible. You should be proud. 

The good thing about everything being so crappy right now is that things will keep getting better and better from here on out.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

I am also so sorry-----and I agree that you have acted in a way that you should be proud of. You're a good man! Good luck moving forward.


----------



## happyman64

Nice job BB.

How is your stepson doing?

HM


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Just a quick update:
> 
> I drove down Saturday night and had visitation with my wife on Sunday. I only got to see her for about fifteen minutes. I brought the divorce agreement with me and she signed it. So that is done. That was my main reason for going.
> 
> Not much was said. She sat there in her orange jumpsuit, looking like an old woman I could hardly recognise. Tears running down her face. I did not lay into her or chastise her. We just sat and didn't say much.
> 
> She knows she is in deep trouble. I asked her if the meth she was caught with was from the OM and she said no. The OM got her back into using, then she got hooked and after that he was her main supplier. Then after he got busted she went to see his dealer and soon after she started running meth from dealer to dealer and they would give her a cut of it. She was never actually selling, she was just a transporter. I asked her if she ever traded sex for her hits and she said only with the OM.
> 
> She told me she hates herself and hates what she has done. I asked her if it was worth throwing me and her son away for drugs and she just sat silent and cried more. After a while I got sick of the silence and I told her good luck with her case and then I got up to leave. Then she asked me if she could e-mail me and I told her yes. I gave her my new e-mail and I said I would be there for her to talk to, but I made it clear I was not getting back together with her. Then I left and drove home.
> 
> And that was that.


Sheesh..so sorry BB this story just gets more tragic for her as it progresses...she is facing major jail time and with a drug bust on her record good luck getting employment after she gets out...you now need to work on you and heal and move forward with your life...how is your step-son doing?


----------



## Shaggy

You done very well not letting her pull you down into her self destruction.


----------



## BashfulB

My stepson is hurting. He's angry, sad, scared... the whole gamut. Saturday night after I got there we stayed up and talked and he said he was thinking about joining the military. I told him he was a man now and could make his own decisions. I wish he would stay in school, but I can tell he is not rushing into decisions. 

Good news is, I found out that the WW actually paid up six months of rent to the landlord, so my stepson at least has a place to live for the next few months. I told him if he needed help with utilities I would send him money. As to what my WW did with the rest of her money I have no clue. She probably blew it on crank. 

While I was at the house my stepson and I thoroughly searched my WW's room and the rest of the house for drugs and pipes and the like. I found a shoebox under her bed with some pipes, but thank God no meth. I crushed them and threw them in the trash. What really pissed me off was all the lingerie she had in a box in the closet. She never wore that **** for me, and I never saw them before. She must have bought them for her OM. 

But even then, I hope the court goes easy on my WW. As angry and hurt and devastated as I am, I really don't wish to see her go to prison. In fact the thought of it terrifies me. I'm torn between whether or not I want to be there for her through all of this. I'm still mad as hell at her, but as much as I try I cannot hate her like I wish I could. 

I no longer want to be her husband. In fact, when I saw her I was a bit repulsed. She has aged ten years in the space of a month or so. It is really shocking how meth and stress can age someone. 

On Monday I mailed off the divorce packet to the mediator. So the D process is on. At least I don't have to worry about that anymore.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson is hurting. He's angry, sad, scared... the whole gamut. Saturday night after I got there we stayed up and talked and he said he was thinking about joining the military. I told him he was a man now and could make his own decisions. I wish he would stay in school, but I can tell he is not rushing into decisions.
> 
> Good news is, I found out that the WW actually paid up six months of rent to the landlord, so my stepson at least has a place to live for the next few months. I told him if he needed help with utilities I would send him money. As to what my WW did with the rest of her money I have no clue. She probably blew it on crank.
> 
> While I was at the house my stepson and I thoroughly searched my WW's room and the rest of the house for drugs and pipes and the like. I found a shoebox under her bed with some pipes, but thank God no meth. I crushed them and threw them in the trash. What really pissed me off was all the lingerie she had in a box in the closet. She never wore that **** for me, and I never saw them before. She must have bought them for her OM.
> 
> But even then, I hope the court goes easy on my WW. As angry and hurt and devastated as I am, I really don't wish to see her go to prison. In fact the thought of it terrifies me. I'm torn between whether or not I want to be there for her through all of this. I'm still mad as hell at her, but as much as I try I cannot hate her like I wish I could.
> 
> I no longer want to be her husband. In fact, when I saw her I was a bit repulsed. She has aged ten years in the space of a month or so. It is really shocking how meth and stress can age someone.
> 
> On Monday I mailed off the divorce packet to the mediator. So the D process is on. At least I don't have to worry about that anymore.


Be there for you stepson...her drug habit could pu thim in danger since she was involved in the "business end" of things...her stupidity has put him in danger....as for being there for her..keep her at arms distance away...I would never get too close to her again...


----------



## GTdad

BashfulBull said:


> But even then, I hope the court goes easy on my WW. As angry and hurt and devastated as I am, I really don't wish to see her go to prison. In fact the thought of it terrifies me. I'm torn between whether or not I want to be there for her through all of this. I'm still mad as hell at her, but as much as I try I cannot hate her like I wish I could.


If the DA's office believes that she was merely a transporter between dealers, and depending on her criminal record, they may well offer her a pretty good deal if she rolls over on these dealers. I have to imagine that she's in for _some_ time, though.

But don't get involved, beyond maybe showing up for a court appearance. Don't be tempted to play rescuer and allow yourself to get sucked into this mess. She made this mess on her own, and needs to deal with it on her own.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BB, do yourself a big, big favor. Whenever you feel sorry for her and think about being there for her just think about that box of lingerie and who(m)(s) she wore it for. Not you. 

IMO being her pen pal while she is away is more than enough.


----------



## Decorum

BashfulBull,

There is no happy side to this story, I feel very sad for her.

I hope the son stays in school, but he may be having a hard time focusing. He may need some sport he can play and work out for.
It would do him a world of good.

BB,
You tell the story very well. I re-read that post over several times with deep sadness.

I really wish you all well,
Take care!


----------



## Mr Blunt

Bull
You are taking a big chance by staying in contact with her via email.


This is what is likely to happen:

You will be one of her lifelines and you will feel very needed and appreciated
Your empathy will start replacing your resolve to stay complete unattached.
She is scared and shaken and will probably take advantage of any rehabilitation program that she is offered.
If she gets in the program and gets better she will be amazing with her enthusiasm and emotional giving
You will be attracted and emotionally affected to the new and improved woman that was your wife.

*Do you want to chance trusting your emotions and quality of life to this woman?*


I hope that she gets a lot better and everyone should be given a few chances ion life.
Just because she has really messed up her life with drugs and betrayalss does not mean that she should be discarded for life. She is human and probably has some good points. No one is really going to get real satisfaction if this woman continues to have a wasted life.

It is heart wrenching to see anyone that is in such bondage, even if she did make all the choices to get twisted. I have a soft spot for meth users but I also learned my lesson.

You cannot chance your emotional, financial, or future in a person that has been hooked on meth. You can, but you are taking huge chance and even if you are successfully having a somewhat relationship with a meth user there is almost always the baggage that never seems to go away. They may stay clean but what damages have been done that cannot be fully recovered?

*It is not heartless and cruel to keep them a far distance always; it is called protecting yourself and not taking chances that have little hope of a fulfilled life and a lot of chance for misery.*

I have seen lovers that did not break away from the meth user and the results are holy hell and worse! I have also seen those that broke away and their life is so much better and they even found joy and love again.

Bull, I know you still have strong emotions for her but it really does boil down to her or you. The chances of you and her making it now are slim to none and I would not be surprised if slim left the building. Staying in contact via email is not the wisest way to get your life in better order.

*Life is made up of very hard choices sometimes but you are responsible for most of how your life will be in the future.*


----------



## BashfulB

I'm wrestling with doing the e-mail thing. She is only allowed computer access once a week for something like an hour. And even then the e-mails are monitored by the guards. Any e-mails I would get would be emotionless and matter-of-fact. I want to kind of be kept up to speed on her hearings and what is going on. But I think after she is sentenced I will be pulling back alot and I may even cut off all contact at that point. 

Another crazy thing happening is all these nasty calls and texts from her family. According to them I am to blame for her arrest because I left her. Huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> Another crazy thing happening is all these nasty calls and texts from her family. According to them I am to blame for her arrest because I left her. Huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like a classy bunch:scratchhead:


----------



## 3putt

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Apparently none of them know the definition of consequences.


----------



## Jasel

Or personal responsibility.


----------



## BashfulB

Her family are bottom feeders. In many ways, she was the best of of them. 

Calling them white trash would be a compliment. 

I have started blocking their calls and texts one by one. Her mom is being particularly nasty. I told her mom yesterday that the only wrong I ever did her daughter was loving her. 

That did not go over well.


----------



## BashfulB

I just want to tell all of you who have been kind enought to post on my thread how much I appreciate your help and support through all of this. Believe me, I have read and re-read every single posting. The help you all have given me has been invaluable and has helped me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 

I just wish my thread was a bit more exciting and interesting like some of the other threads on CWI. I feel like I'm boring you guys.


----------



## Squeakr

Excitement is over rated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Apart from her son, you were the only good thing that ever happened in her life.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I'm wrestling with doing the e-mail thing. She is only allowed computer access once a week for something like an hour. And even then the e-mails are monitored by the guards. Any e-mails I would get would be emotionless and matter-of-fact. I want to kind of be kept up to speed on her hearings and what is going on. But I think after she is sentenced I will be pulling back alot and I may even cut off all contact at that point.
> 
> Another crazy thing happening is all these nasty calls and texts from her family. According to them I am to blame for her arrest because I left her. Huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All I can say is the apple doesn't fall far from the tress...


----------



## Fisherman

BashfulBull said:


> I just want to tell all of you who have been kind enought to post on my thread how much I appreciate your help and support through all of this. Believe me, I have read and re-read every single posting. The help you all have given me has been invaluable and has helped me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> I just wish my thread was a bit more exciting and interesting like some of the other threads on CWI. I feel like I'm boring you guys.


Yours has been interesting and very sad. You handled it extremely well. I really feel sad when someone gets caught up in drugs and throws their life away. And prison that's really horrible. I will be praying for you, her and her son.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> I'm wrestling with doing the e-mail thing. She is only allowed computer access once a week for something like an hour. And even then the e-mails are monitored by the guards. Any e-mails I would get would be emotionless and matter-of-fact. I want to kind of be kept up to speed on her hearings and what is going on. But I think after she is sentenced I will be pulling back alot and I may even cut off all contact at that point.
> 
> Another crazy thing happening is all these nasty calls and texts from her family. According to them I am to blame for her arrest because I left her. Huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BB

Ignore the naty texts and calls.

They probably were blindsided too and need someone close to blame.

Your the closest.....

Focus on you and your stepson.

HM


----------



## TDSC60

BashfulBull said:


> I just want to tell all of you who have been kind enought to post on my thread how much I appreciate your help and support through all of this. Believe me, I have read and re-read every single posting. The help you all have given me has been invaluable and has helped me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> I just wish my thread was a bit more exciting and interesting like some of the other threads on CWI. I feel like I'm boring you guys.


Your thread is a breath of fresh air. So many betrayed husband let their wife define them. They have lost their masculinity and self respect. Your actions restored my faith in men. 

You are doing great. Just do not get drawn into even a friendly relationship with STBXW. 

She is toxic, her family is toxic and the only one worth 2 cents is your step son. Let him give you the news and updates if you feel you have to know what is going on with her. I really would not have ANY personal contact (email, texts, phone calls) with her or her family.

She chose her own path and now she has to walk it. You should not have to be around to make it easier or nicer for her.

Go live your own life. Be there for your step son - all else be damned.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> I just want to tell all of you who have been kind enought to post on my thread how much I appreciate your help and support through all of this. Believe me, I have read and re-read every single posting. *The help you all have given me has been invaluable and has helped me through the most difficult time of my life. * Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> *I just wish my thread was a bit more exciting and interesting like some of the other threads on CWI.* I feel like I'm boring you guys.


The old saying of "You Can Easily Judge the Character of a Man by How He Treats Those Who Can Do Nothing for Him" comes to mind when I think about TAM. This place has ALLOT of character.

Also, we'd much rather see the BS doing well than have the thread be more exciting. You're going through some painful times here. The less excitment, the better.


----------



## the guy

Hey BB whats up?
I think its not healthy for you to stay in contact with your STBX. I think you need to look at this as a death in the family and stay out of this drama, but thats my opinion.

But you do what you gotta due. Again there is to much pain there to relive every time you get an email.
5 years is a LONG time but with over growding she may be out in 2.5. Hell if she named OM and the dealer she may get a even shorter sentence.

Do you know if she snitched? God I hope she did with a plea deal! Does she have a lawyer or is she going with a PD?

Phuck her family, tell them all to talk to the OM...she is no longer your problem.

Every time this crap pops into your head use a montra...I used "I diserve good things" I repeated this over and over again when I was going thru this crap.

On a side note I hope they nail the OM big time with any info your STBXW gives them.

Stay stong brother


----------



## the guy

BashfulBull said:


> I just wish my thread was a bit more exciting and interesting like some of the other threads on CWI. I feel like I'm boring you guys.


It's not often the WW gets thrown in jail. This thread is far from boring.

I under stand you loved this women at some point but I have to say.....she has in to doubt hit rock bottom and the regret she has for her choices is staring at her every second of the day, every time she takes a shower, every time she goes to eat and every time she goes to the yard.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Originally Posted by BashfulBull
> I just want to tell all of you who have been kind enought to post on my thread how much I appreciate your help and support through all of this. Believe me, I have read and re-read every single posting. The help you all have given me has been invaluable and has helped me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> I just wish my thread was a bit more exciting and interesting like some of the other threads on CWI. I feel like I'm boring you guys.


*We like to post to you Bull because we like to see a BS not be destroyed or severely damaged by infidelity and other heart stabbing damages.* We see a lot of people that seem to not be able to stop being abused and that is a pity. You seem to be a survivor.

I know that your heart still bleeds because you took a hard blow. However, so far you have shown that you are not going to let the failures of your loved one destroy you. *That kind of encouragement will help others*. It is very sad that your wife, a potentially good woman, has damaged herself so severely. She has lost her freedom, damaged her relationship with her son, has white trash for a family, is vulnerable to hard drug use, forced a divorce, has no self respect or self esteem and is a felon and a convict.

Her consequences are so severe that it is hard not to have a lot of empathy for her. However in this case I would strongly suggest that you continue to guard your heart and use only your wisdom. The cold facts are that this woman has a very low chance of being a giver to anyone including herself and she is toxic for you. You Bull have a much better chance at a good life but you cannot chance being weighted down.

Your story is not boring at all. In fact it has a lot of lessons for us all. A few lessons are:

Drugs and cheating will take any chance of joy out of your life

Drugs and cheating not only damages the cheater and druggie it damages the family, and in this case you and an innocent child

Drugs and cheating often lead to financial ruin and emotional damage

When a BS takes the right action he has a good chance to rebuild his life

Emotions do not change consequences

Wisdom, facts, and taking the right actions can save a BS

*Thanks Bull for your story there is a lot of lessons for us that can help.*


----------



## BashfulB

Thanks Blunt for your encouragement and wisdom. I promise I will not let her drag me back in with the e-mails. I can keep things superficial and light when I need to. 

I guess it's just the nice guy in me. She has no one now. Her family won't go to see her. None of them have the money to travel across the country to see her. They think they are doing their family duty for her by harassing me. Weird clannish people. My stepson is too hurt and pissed to see her, and all of her fair weather friends are nowhere to be found. I'm still her husband, and even though she doesn't deserve it, I will offer her a bit of grace by corresponding with her. But I will never go back to her. I am a nice guy, but I was not born stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Oh one good piece of news I forgot to mention: I will be starting full time at the trucking company in two weeks. One of their longtime employees is moving on and I will be replacing him. 

I'll finally have health insurance again. I need to see a doctor soon. Since all this went down I've been feeling like crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Oh one good piece of news I forgot to mention: I will be starting full time at the trucking company in two weeks. One of their longtime employees is moving on and I will be replacing him.
> 
> I'll finally have health insurance again. I need to see a doctor soon. Since all this went down I've been feeling like crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You des erve happiness BB - you are a good man...who got dealt a bad hand


----------



## BashfulB

Thanks. I'm still hanging out in town. Enjoying a cool beer and watching guys play pool. I don't feel like going home. Have any of you betrayed ever felt the need just to be arounfd people, any people even strangers, just so you wouldn't have to go home and be alone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Thanks. I'm still hanging out in town. Enjoying a cool beer and watching guys play pool. I don't feel like going home. Have any of you betrayed ever felt the need just to be arounfd people, any people even strangers, just so you wouldn't have to go home and be alone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do what you need to do..where is that lady who was flirting with you a couple of weeks back? Maybe you could hang out with her..nothing serious..just friends..


----------



## BashfulB

Haha! Yes she is around. In fact she called me last week and we talked on the phone a while. I believe she works evenings as she is a booking officer at the county jail here...believe it or not. Ironic isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Haha! Yes she is around. In fact she called me last week and we talked on the phone a while. I believe she works evenings as she is a booking officer at the county jail here...believe it or not. Ironic isn't it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I say hang out with her when you get a chance!!Just to get out there and socialize...

A booking officer..man your life went from you being booked to your wife being booked to you flirting witha booking officer...time to end the trend my man lol


----------



## BashfulB

You got that right Truthseeker! That little lady is a doll, and she acts interested, but right now I could not be more than friends, and the sense I get from her is that she is husband hunting. I think she would be the type to want to hurry things along, and it will be a long time before I will be ready for another heavy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> You got that right Truthseeker! That little lady is a doll, and* she acts interested, but right now I could not be more than friends,* and the sense I get from her is that she is husband hunting. I think she would be the type to want to hurry things along, and it will be a long time before I will be ready for another heavy relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to do what you feel comfortable with..plus once you get your health insurance try to seek a counselor..you have a lot to sort through BB...

Does this lady know about your wife and what happened?


----------



## Decorum

Not boring BashfulBull, your gut instincts were right on the money.

You did not need pages and pages of posts to convince you to do what makes sense. I respect the man you have proven to be.

Often the excitement comes in the cheater finally facing the consequences of their actions. In your wifes case it was only sad.

I always hope that a person will learn from consequences and be better thereafter.

also I'm stunned at the role POSOM played in her downfall, its an unspeakable evil.

Your story wil be one of the stories that make a lasting impression on me.

I wish you well.

Take care!


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Thanks Blunt for your encouragement and wisdom. I promise I will not let her drag me back in with the e-mails. I can keep things superficial and light when I need to.
> 
> I guess it's just the nice guy in me. She has no one now. Her family won't go to see her. None of them have the money to travel across the country to see her. They think they are doing their family duty for her by harassing me. Weird clannish people. My stepson is too hurt and pissed to see her, and all of her fair weather friends are nowhere to be found. *I'm still her husband, and even though she doesn't deserve it, I will offer her a bit of grace by corresponding with her.* But I will never go back to her. I am a nice guy, but I was not born stupid


.





> I'm still her husband, and even though she doesn't deserve it, I will offer her a bit of grace by corresponding with her


*Bull you have a lot of good in you! You have impressed me by offering a bit of grace. With your words above I am tempted to stop warning you but I probably will not stop.*


----------



## "joe"

read the whole thread, so far you've come out of it excellently, and the employment news is great:


BashfulBull said:


> Oh one good piece of news I forgot to mention: I will be starting full time at the trucking company in two weeks. One of their longtime employees is moving on and I will be replacing him.
> 
> I'll finally have health insurance again. I need to see a doctor soon. Since all this went down I've been feeling like crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> You need to do what you feel comfortable with..plus once you get your health insurance try to seek a counselor..you have a lot to sort through BB...
> 
> Does this lady know about your wife and what happened?


She knows I'm going through a divorce. But I have not told her the particulars. I still dont know her that well.


----------



## badcompany

BashfulBull said:


> She knows I'm going through a divorce. But I have not told her the particulars. I still dont know her that well.


Never pass up a good thing. 
Tell her your story and the circumstances. If there is something there between you two and you can take it slow what's the harm?


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> 
> *Bull you have a lot of good in you! You have impressed me by offering a bit of grace. With your words above I am tempted to stop warning you but I probably will not stop.*


Despite all that she has done and the way she betrayed me, when I went to see her at the jail I saw vestiges of the woman I married. 

She is still in there somewhere. She knows there is no going back. She knows she has hurt me beyond fixing. There was no begging or pleading with me not to divorce her. All she wants is someone to talk to. I can do that.


----------



## BashfulB

badcompany said:


> Never pass up a good thing.
> Tell her your story and the circumstances. If there is something there between you two and you can take it slow what's the harm?


I will. She is meeting me with her friend at a saloon here on Saturday night. If we end up alone I might tell her my sad tale.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BashfulBull said:


> I will. She is meeting me with her friend at a saloon here on Saturday night. If we end up alone I might tell her my sad tale.


Don't depress her in the evening, tell her in late afternoon tomorrow after you both are done wearing each other out all night.....


----------



## tom67

Oh Bashful have some fun saturday heck she already has the handcuffs:smthumbup::rofl:could be some kinky fun.


----------



## Jasel

BashfulBull said:


> I will. She is meeting me with her friend at a saloon here on Saturday night. If we end up alone I might tell her my sad tale.


I wouldn't bust that out too early with someone you're just getting to know. Actually I wouldn't bring up the wife at all if you can avoid it, and if not just stick to the basics. "Things didn't work out, divorce is being finalized, how bout them Bears??" Try to make it a light and pleasant time for you both.


----------



## OlderAndWiser

BashfulBull said:


> Despite all that she has done and the way she betrayed me, when I went to see her at the jail I saw vestiges of the woman I married.
> 
> She is still in there somewhere. She knows there is no going back. She knows she has hurt me beyond fixing. There was no begging or pleading with me not to divorce her. All she wants is someone to talk to. I can do that.


Bull,

She was lucky to have you! And she is still lucky because you are willing to be there for her when there is no one else. Just being willing to talk to her is a gift you are giving, whether she deserves it or not. Good karma will come your way.


----------



## BashfulB

> Don't depress her in the evening, tell her in late afternoon tomorrow after you both are done wearing each other out all night.....






tom67 said:


> Oh Bashful have some fun saturday heck she already has the handcuffs:smthumbup::rofl:could be some kinky fun.


LOL! :rofl:

I don't know about you guys!


----------



## BashfulB

OlderAndWiser said:


> Bull,
> 
> She was lucky to have you! And she is still lucky because you are willing to be there for her when there is no one else. Just being willing to talk to her is a gift you are giving, whether she deserves it or not. Good karma will come your way.


Look the way I see it, she is a human being who made bad choices and fvcked her life up. My wife is not an evil person. She has been wrestling with addiction all of her adult life. She goes through long periods of sobriety interspersed with short periods of drug use. She was able to handle her coke addiction because she had an ex-husband who used along with her and supported her habit. She did not have to run packages for dealers to earn her fix. But she did this go-around and this time she got caught. 

I knew all this when I was dating her and when we got married. I walked into this willingly. When we were dating and for at least he first three years of our marriage she was clean. What I did not count on was her having an affair and getting hooked on a worse drug than coke. I took a gamble with her and I lost. But I took the gamble because I saw good in her. 

For those three good years she was a hell of a wife to me.


----------



## Truthseeker1

tom67 said:


> Oh Bashful have some fun saturday heck she already has the handcuffs:smthumbup::rofl:could be some kinky fun.


:toast: Hmm..this thread could get really interestigng - ome might say downright fun lol


----------



## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> :toast: Hmm..this thread could get really interestigng - ome might say downright fun lol


I do have to admit that little redhead gets my loins burning. 

She has wavy auburn hair, green eyes, freckles and a petite, curvy little body. I'm 6'3" and she cant be more than 5'7". 

For a forty year old gal she sure doesn't look her age, despite the fact that she's birthed and raised two daughters. She has taken very good care of herself. I will be honest, I wouldn't mind tossing her around the bed. 

But I'm just not ready. Really, even if she offered I would politely decline for now. Too much sh!t going on in my mind at the moment. I would not be able to give her the focus she deserves. And all this crap my wife has put me through has destroyed my libido. The little man below hasn't stood at attention for months.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I do have to admit that little redhead gets my loins burning.
> 
> She has wavy auburn hair, green eyes, freckles and a petite, curvy little body. I'm 6'3" and she cant be more than 5'7".
> 
> For a forty year old gal she sure doesn't look her age, despite the fact that she's birthed and raised two daughters. She has taken very good care of herself. I will be honest, I wouldn't mind tossing her around the bed.
> 
> But I'm just not ready. Really, even if she offered I would politely decline for now. Too much sh!t going on in my mind at the moment. I would not be able to give her the focus she deserves. And all this crap my wife has put me through has destroyed my libido. The little man below hasn't stood at attention for months.


Wat if she handcuffed you and read you your rights...:smthumbup:


----------



## tom67

Just go to a convenience store near the checkout, or by where they sell other pills they usually have something for "the little man"get something with the yohimbe bark extract then things will be looking "up"? they all sell some penis pill supplements.


----------



## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> Wat if she handcuffed you and read you your rights...:smthumbup:


Hmm... I guess I could submit to a strip search.


----------



## tom67

tom67 said:


> Just go to a convenience store near the checkout, or by where they sell other pills they usually have something for "the little man"get something with the yohimbe bark extract then things will be looking "up"? they all sell some penis pill supplements.


Along with the condoms


----------



## BashfulB

tom67 said:


> Just go to a convenience store near the checkout, or by where they sell other pills they usually have something for "the little man"get something with the yohimbe bark extract then things will be looking "up"? they all sell some penis pill supplements.


Oh no. Yohimbe fvcks me up. Makes my heart race and my head feel like its going to explode. My wife bought me some last year because I was having erectyle problems (still do sometimes). It has a terrible effect on me. 

I tried some Cialas samples last year and that worked wonders, but I just haven't had the money to buy it since. Maybe I will get some when I go to the doctor in a few weeks.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Hmm... I guess I could submit to a strip search.


And an "enhanced interrogation"


----------



## tom67




----------



## BashfulB

Nice.


----------



## PieceOfSky

BB, I have much admiration for your courage to do the things you've needed to do, and how you've approached figuring these things out.

There is only one thing you've said in thirty or so pages that feels like it opens a *possibility* for you getting sucked in for more pain. You do live much more consciously than most, so maybe it won't be a problem for you. But, thinking ahead of time what your boundaries and limits should be regarding contact with her might be helpful. Reading up on how people get sucked back in by addicts might give you extra insurance.

Btw, a former high school classmate somehow ended up as a drug mule, and IIRC got arrested at an airport. She had so much going for her, it is hard to imagine how it happened. She was not only beautiful way back when, she was kind and sweet. Small town. I guess it can happen to anyone anywhere.

She went to jail and had home monitoring, and was separated from her grade-school kids for a significant amount of time. Her story has a happy ending, best I can tell via Facebook. (Good (new?) marriage, good looking kids, still/again a positive person.). 

Not sure what she was using (probably not meth), but I suspect getting caught and spending time in jail was the best thing that could have happened at that point.

Your wife's family will probably never understand that her getting caught was inevitable and a result of her own choices, and the longer it took to get caught the further destroyed she would become. But it is true. Anything you did that hastened her date with the judge was a good thing.

I wish your wife the best future possible. I wish you and your stepson the wisdom and courage needed to maintain healthy boundaries with her so her best future has a chance to come to be, and so a happy and contented future for you and him will be possible too.

Take care of yourself. There are good things ahead.


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you for that PieceOfSky. That's good advice. 

I promise I will keep emotion out of any correspondence I might have with my wife. 

I don't think I'm courageous. I'm a simple guy who enjoys a simple life. I have never needed much and I don't want much. 

It's hard for me to explain to all of you, but there is something inside me that compelled me to see this through with my wife, whether or not she goes to prison or not. I cannot explain it. I have just never been the kind who could swing around and walk away from a problem. I guess in a weird way, I'm hoping that if I show my wife grace and understanding, that by doing so I can bring her to a point of wanting to really fundamentally work towards change within herself. I want her to get rid of this monkey on her back and go on to live some semblance of a normal life. I want to be a good husband up until the day we divorce. 

I guess I'm weird that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

BashfulBull said:


> Thank you for that PieceOfSky. That's good advice.
> 
> I promise I will keep emotion out of any correspondence I might have with my wife.
> 
> I don't think I'm courageous. I'm a simple guy who enjoys a simple life. I have never needed much and I don't want much.
> 
> It's hard for me to explain to all of you, but there is something inside me that compelled me to see this through with my wife, whether or not she goes to prison or not. I cannot explain it. I have just never been the kind who could swing around and walk away from a problem. *I guess in a weird way, I'm hoping that if I show my wife grace and understanding, that by doing so I can bring her to a point of wanting to really fundamentally work towards change within herself. I want her to get rid of this monkey on her back and go on to live some semblance of a normal life. I want to be a good husband up until the day we divorce.
> 
> I guess I'm weird that way.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, if that's weird, I wouldn't mind being your kind of weird any day.

You're a good man, BB.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Warning
This post involves such depressing facts about drugs, infidelity, and death.
If you decide to read this I just hope that these facts will help someone as it was a total loss for one family.




> *Quote of Bull*
> I'm still her husband, and even though she doesn't deserve it, I will offer her a bit of grace by corresponding with her
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt .
> Bull you have a lot of good in you! You have impressed me by offering a bit of grace. With your words above I am tempted to stop warning you but I probably will not stop.
> 
> 
> *Reply by Bull*
> Despite all that she has done and the way she betrayed me, when I went to see her at the jail I saw vestiges of the woman I married.
> 
> She is still in there somewhere. She knows there is no going back. She knows she has hurt me beyond fixing. There was no begging or pleading with me not to divorce her. All she wants is someone to talk to. I can do that.



Ok Bull now you have got me thinking of another view.
*You seem strong enough and wise enough to do what you can for your wife and still do what is right for you*. So here is my other view

Yes your wife is a human and has some good in her, no doubt. I am not a hard AZZ on meth users as I have seen one make a much better life and remain clean for over 5 years. The other one did not make it and she was buried last year at the age of 28. Her name was Ana and she just mostly wanted to be loved but she was so very weak.

I was not married to this 28 year old but she was my son’s girl friend from her teens to age 23. I still feel like I should have done more for her. I know it is silly as I think what could I have done? I can not come up with anything. However, I sure wished that I had talked to her more or something, anything. *So BULL now I am 100% behind you being there for her in the way that you have described.*
It still affects me when I think about Ana so I can only imagine how you would feel if you did not try and help your wife and something happened to her. You are probably much more attached to your wife than I was to Ana. Ana was in her 20s but she really was like a 12 year old. She was never strong and had very little guidance as a child.

Did she have chances to get right? Yes she did as she was in rehab several times. Did she make the choices to quit school, do drugs, and have children with different men? Yes. I can go on and on about how she made her own bed. However, I knew Ana when she was just a giggly teenager and so desperately wanted some one to really cherish her. One thing that made me feel a little better was that she often said that my son treated her like a lady and was the best boyfriend that she ever had.
Just because Ana choose all the wrong paths, even as an adult, does not take away the fact that she was a human that had good in her.

So see what you have done Bull; you have got me all soft. That is OK I need to get soft once in a while but *I also have to remember to be wise and realize that I have to let go of some people even thought they touch my heart.*
So Bull I am going to switch gears for now and commend you for trying to do something for your wife. The little d (divorce) is a horrible thing but the big D (Death) is beyond horrible and when it happens you may be like me and ask yourself; why didn’t I try more? Haunting words that may never go away.

*I never think of Ana as a druggie that gave her body for drugs and made all her own wrong choices; I just remember that little giggly teenager that was boy crazy! Such a tragedy for a human being that wanted what we all want, love*!



Ana’s last words on facebook before she took her own life is below:


September13, 2012

https://www.facebook.com/

HAVEN'T BEEN DOING SO WELL FOR A WHILE NOW AND I FEEL I CAN'T GO ON.. SO IF PLAINS GO THRO EVERYTHING GOES TO MY MOM AND SHE'LL KNOW WAT TO DO WITH MY THINGZ. MOM I LOVE U NEVER FORGET THAT...AND PATRICK AND ALL OF MY GIRLZ ARE MY LIFE SO SORRY BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT U GUYZ... TAMMY IN SORRY IM NOT THE PERSON U WANT ME TO BE...
• • 23 hours ago via mobile 



Ana’s mom’s words are below

Hi everyone.. I have Bad news. My only child Ana died last night around 12:30am. She was 28 years old, Beautiful, and the mother of 4 beautiful children I love her sooo very much and my heart hurts for her so much. She joined her 2 son's and her nana in Heaven. She left behind her mother & father. Her 2 daughter's Aunts, uncles and cousins from both sides of the family and some very close family members, Please Keep us all in your prayers please!!!


----------



## 3putt

Sad and tragic, Blunt. Sometimes life will just not make sense.

This is one of those times. Sad


----------



## Truthseeker1

Mr Blunt said:


> Warning
> This post involves such depressing facts about drugs, infidelity, and death.
> If you decide to read this I just hope that these facts will help someone as it was a total loss for one family.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ok Bull now you have got me thinking of another view.
> *You seem strong enough and wise enough to do what you can for your wife and still do what is right for you*. So here is my other view
> 
> Yes your wife is a human and has some good in her, no doubt. I am not a hard AZZ on meth users as I have seen one make a much better life and remain clean for over 5 years. The other one did not make it and she was buried last year at the age of 28. Her name was Ana and she just mostly wanted to be loved but she was so very weak.
> 
> I was not married to this 28 year old but she was my son’s girl friend from her teens to age 23. I still feel like I should have done more for her. I know it is silly as I think what could I have done? I can not come up with anything. However, I sure wished that I had talked to her more or something, anything. *So BULL now I am 100% behind you being there for her in the way that you have described.*
> It still affects me when I think about Ana so I can only imagine how you would feel if you did not try and help your wife and something happened to her. You are probably much more attached to your wife than I was to Ana. Ana was in her 20s but she really was like a 12 year old. She was never strong and had very little guidance as a child.
> 
> Did she have chances to get right? Yes she did as she was in rehab several times. Did she make the choices to quit school, do drugs, and have children with different men? Yes. I can go on and on about how she made her own bed. However, I knew Ana when she was just a giggly teenager and so desperately wanted some one to really cherish her. One thing that made me feel a little better was that she often said that my son treated her like a lady and was the best boyfriend that she ever had.
> Just because Ana choose all the wrong paths, even as an adult, does not take away the fact that she was a human that had good in her.
> 
> So see what you have done Bull; you have got me all soft. That is OK I need to get soft once in a while but *I also have to remember to be wise and realize that I have to let go of some people even thought they touch my heart.*
> So Bull I am going to switch gears for now and commend you for trying to do something for your wife. The little d (divorce) is a horrible thing but the big D (Death) is beyond horrible and when it happens you may be like me and ask yourself; why didn’t I try more? Haunting words that may never go away.
> 
> *I never think of Ana as a druggie that gave her body for drugs and made all her own wrong choices; I just remember that little giggly teenager that was boy crazy! Such a tragedy for a human being that wanted what we all want, love*!
> 
> 
> 
> Ana’s last words on facebook before she took her own life is below:
> 
> 
> September13, 2012
> 
> https://www.facebook.com/
> 
> HAVEN'T BEEN DOING SO WELL FOR A WHILE NOW AND I FEEL I CAN'T GO ON.. SO IF PLAINS GO THRO EVERYTHING GOES TO MY MOM AND SHE'LL KNOW WAT TO DO WITH MY THINGZ. MOM I LOVE U NEVER FORGET THAT...AND PATRICK AND ALL OF MY GIRLZ ARE MY LIFE SO SORRY BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT U GUYZ... TAMMY IN SORRY IM NOT THE PERSON U WANT ME TO BE...
> • • 23 hours ago via mobile
> 
> 
> 
> Ana’s mom’s words are below
> 
> Hi everyone.. I have Bad news. My only child Ana died last night around 12:30am. She was 28 years old, Beautiful, and the mother of 4 beautiful children I love her sooo very much and my heart hurts for her so much. She joined her 2 son's and her nana in Heaven. She left behind her mother & father. Her 2 daughter's Aunts, uncles and cousins from both sides of the family and some very close family members, Please Keep us all in your prayers please!!!


So very sad....


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you Blunt. That post brought years to my eyes. 

Yes I want my wife to get well and get clean. I know she has the strength in her. Now whether she has the will is the real question. It's funny, I'm sitting here at a bar nursing a cold beer and trying to be social, but half of me feels guilty for doing so because I have a wife 500 miles away sitting in a concrete cell, probably going through agonizing withdrawals. 

I know it has to be her choice. I want her to make that choice but I cannot force her. A I can do is be an ear and listen. Maybe she will open up to me and tell me things she never has before. Maybe I can help her get to the root of her self destructiveness. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Thank you Blunt. That post brought years to my eyes.
> 
> Yes I want my wife to get well and get clean. I know she has the strength in her. Now whether she has the will is the real question. It's funny, I'm sitting here at a bar nursing a cold beer and trying to be social, but half of me feels guilty for doing so because I have a wife 500 miles away sitting in a concrete cell, probably going through agonizing withdrawals.
> 
> I know it has to be her choice. I want her to make that choice but I cannot force her. A I can do is be an ear and listen. Maybe she will open up to me and tell me things she never has before. Maybe I can help her get to the root of her self destructiveness. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're a good guy bull - a stand up guy - I hope your STBXW gets the professional help she needs....you need to worry about you now - and how you are going to heal from this episode...then you can help her at some point...


----------



## the guy

do you really want to be that guy?

I have been down that road, and you may not like what you hear...but then again you just might have the grace to forgive after all of this...like I have

Sincerly.
the guy with the cheating wife.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> Maybe I can help her get to the root of her self destructiveness. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not a professional and this is not your job. You are seeking answers and that's never a good thing in these situations. You want to help her? Show her consequences. Giving her false hope could backfire.


----------



## LongWalk

BB,

It is not a bad thing for you to help her now, to give her some hope. However, you should tell her straight out that your support is not something that will lead to restoration of your relationship as man and wife or partners. Furthermore, if the relationship should interfere with your life, you will end it. 

So, if you have a new girlfriend or wife who objects to you being penpals with your convict ex, you can just write a good luck and goodbye letter. However, stretching out a hand to her now may make a difference for her. She needs to work with her lawyer to get the shortest possible sentence. If she is depressed and apathetic, she may not prepare well for her trial.

Your wife's family's opinions mean nothing.


----------



## BashfulB

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You are not a professional and this is not your job. You are seeking answers and that's never a good thing in these situations. You want to help her? Show her consequences. Giving her false hope could backfire.


You misunderstand. I have no intention of being her counselor. She's got counselors and therapists in jail. I just plan listen and encourage and hopefully get her to open up. 

And another thing I want to do is to get to the bottom of her affair. I need closure and I don't have the facts yet. I want to know if she had been fvcking the OM on the side throughout our marriage or if this was a recent fling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> BB,
> 
> It is not a bad thing for you to help her now, to give her some hope. However, you should tell her straight out that your support is not something that will lead to restoration of your relationship as man and wife or partners. Furthermore, if the relationship should interfere with your life, you will end it.
> 
> So, if you have a new girlfriend or wife who objects to you being penpals with your convict ex, you can just write a good luck and goodbye letter. However, stretching out a hand to her now may make a difference for her. She needs to work with her lawyer to get the shortest possible sentence. If she is depressed and apathetic, she may not prepare well for her trial.
> 
> Your wife's family's opinions mean nothing.


That is what I fully intend to do. This marriage is over and I have let her know that. 

And remember that I gave her my e-mail. She may or may not follow through with e-mailing me. I'll know today. She gets computer time for an hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

I think the best thing you can do for her is to cut her loose as hard as that may be. It's understandable to still love her and feel bad about her situation, but you did not put her there. 

And despite you being her husband for years and supporting her, she still fell off the wagon. I think she needs to get used to the idea that you will not be in her life any longer and that she can only be responsible for herself. If anything I'd focus more on your step son who pretty much has no family he can rely on through no fault of his own. 

I'm pretty familiar with drug addicts and I have seen people drain themselves trying to save, support, fix, or give a shoulder to cry on for family, friends, and partners who they ****ed over and more often than not it just holds people back from standing on their own their own two feet or turns into psychological enabling.

If she's been dealing with drug issues for a significant portion of her life, then she can probably do more for herself than you can do for her. But that's just my opinion.


----------



## BashfulB

I agree with what some of you are saying. I'm not trying to fix her nor do I want to try. I'm just not ready to walk away. Not yet. 

You know I've done stupid boneheaded sh!t in my past. I've had people turn their backs on me and never talk to me again That kind of alienation hurts. I'm not minimizing what my wife did to me and herself. I'm still pissed and hurt and she knows it. She has not come to the level of remorse I would want to see, and I may never see that. She's a proud woman. 

But 'm a bigger person than what my wife did to me. And I'll choose the time and place when I turn and walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

BB
You have a heart of gold and compassion for your wife that she does not deserve.

You do what feels right for you.

If you offer help or just an ear I think that is good of you.

Maybe she will wakeup someday and truly comprehend what she lost in her life.

Keep us posted.

HM


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I agree with what some of you are saying. I'm not trying to fix her nor do I want to try. I'm just not ready to walk away. Not yet.
> 
> You know I've done stupid boneheaded sh!t in my past. I've had people turn their backs on me and never talk to me again That kind of alienation hurts. I'm not minimizing what my wife did to me and herself. I'm still pissed and hurt and she knows it. She has not come to the level of remorse I would want to see, and I may never see that. She's a proud woman.
> 
> But 'm a bigger person than what my wife did to me. And I'll choose the time and place when I turn and walk away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BB - your friends are lucky to have someone like you watching their backs...:thumbup:


----------



## BashfulB

Just got through with an email session with my WW. Her opening e-mail was surprisingly long. She actually thanked me for coming to see her and she gave me an update on her situation. She said her lawyer will me her know when the indictment comes in. After that she will have a preliminary hearing and they will set a trial date. Her lawyer is going to ask the judge to lower the bond. Right now it is at a statutory $50,000 and she doesn't have the $5,000 to put down. I asked her what happened to the rest of the money I left her after she paid the rent and she admitted most of it went to pay for meth. I told her not to say any more since the e-mails were being monitored. 

Anyways, she is attending NA meetings every day. She says she is over the withdrawals and is actually sleeping as well as one could sleep on a thin mattress and steel cot. She told me she was sorry she blew the money and felt ashamed for letting herself get back into the lifestyle. I told her we would talk about it next week. Then we just corresponded about my stepson and what he is doing. She is upset he is thinking about dropping out of college, and I told her it was out of our hands now. She ended by telling me she still loves me and misses me. I don't respond to that. I just told her to stay well and watch her back. 

I feel tired now. Worn out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

Hang in there. Don't forget to take care of yourself too. You're still under a lot of stress.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Just got through with an email session with my WW. Her opening e-mail was surprisingly long. She actually thanked me for coming to see her and she gave me an update on her situation. She said her lawyer will me her know when the indictment comes in. After that she will have a preliminary hearing and they will set a trial date. Her lawyer is going to ask the judge to lower the bond. Right now it is at a statutory $50,000 and she doesn't have the $5,000 to put down. I asked her what happened to the rest of the money I left her after she paid the rent and she admitted most of it went to pay for meth. I told her not to say any more since the e-mails were being monitored.
> 
> Anyways, she is attending NA meetings every day. She says she is over the withdrawals and is actually sleeping as well as one could sleep on a thin mattress and steel cot. She told me she was sorry she blew the money and felt ashamed for letting herself get back into the lifestyle. I told her we would talk about it next week. Then we just corresponded about my stepson and what he is doing. She is upset he is thinking about dropping out of college, and I told her it was out of our hands now. She ended by telling me she still loves me and misses me. I don't respond to that. I just told her to stay well and watch her back.
> 
> I feel tired now. Worn out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are a good guy for letting her write you - but please protect yourself BB. Plus she still has to answer your questions about the A - I'm sure that will not be easy....


----------



## Shaggy

My advice - you desperately need to balance every interaction with her, with a more positive good interaction with good people. It will help you balance her out.


----------



## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> My advice - you desperately need to balance every interaction with her, with a more positive good interaction with good people. It will help you balance her out.


Well I did just that tonight. I met that cute red haired gal tonight along with her girlfriend and I got to enjoy talking to two nice ladies. Danced a little with her and got to know her better. She wants to go out on a real date. I have mixed feelings about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Well I did just that tonight. I met that cute red haired gal tonight along with her girlfriend and I got to enjoy talking to two nice ladies. Danced a little with her and got to know her better. She wants to go out on a real date. I have mixed feelings about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go - see where it leads you - you can take it nice and slow....


----------



## the guy

Make the date happen. It will do you some good to have a conversation with a female were words like "trail", "bond", "meth", and "lawyer" aren't being used.

You disever good things, so treat your self and take a nice girl out and enjoy her company.
Hell its just a date!


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Make that date-----


----------



## Truthseeker1

BB - it will also be good for your perspective to bond with normal women....you need your head cleared a bit from what your STBXW did...


----------



## BashfulB

I jusrt called Red Haired Lady and we have a dinner date for this Friday.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I jusrt called Red Haired Lady and we have a dinner date for this Friday.


:smthumbup: Just enjoy being out amongst normal folks...should be a nice change of pace....


----------



## badcompany

Good job on the date
I agree you don't need to go into all the details about your STBXW, but get the point across that you're interested but just getting divorced and need to take things slow. Wording that right is going to be tricky so she doesn't walk though, be careful.
Meth is bad stuff, the % of addicts that clean up and stay that way is only in the single digits.


----------



## Truthseeker1

badcompany said:


> Good job on the date
> I agree you don't need to go into all the details about your STBXW, but get the point across that you're interested but just getting divorced and need to take things slow. Wording that right is going to be tricky so she doesn't walk though,* be careful.
> Meth is bad stuff, the % of addicts that clean up and stay that way is only in the single digits.*


Not single digits but close enough:

Detox, rehab keep few meth users clean long term


From the article:

*"And by three years, just 12 percent of users who entered rehab remained clean, compared to five percent of those who didn't go into rehab."*

Bad, bad stuff.....


----------



## Mr Blunt

> According to a publication titled Methamphetamine Labs, the national rate of meth addiction recovery is between 16 and 20 percent. Without treatment, a meth addict may live only five to seven years, so it’s imperative to get help soon.
> 
> Meth Addiction Recovery Statistics - Rehab Info


----------



## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> Not single digits but close enough:
> 
> Detox, rehab keep few meth users clean long term
> 
> 
> From the article:
> 
> *"And by three years, just 12 percent of users who entered rehab remained clean, compared to five percent of those who didn't go into rehab."*
> 
> Bad, bad stuff.....


That is sobering and very depressing. I should e-mail her that link. 

Yes it is going to be a crap shoot, and the odds are stacked against her. The thought of her dying a slow death from this crap just makes me nauseous.


----------



## BashfulB

I talked to my stepson last night. He has a meeting with the Air Force recruiter tomorrow. So, I guess he is pretty serious about joining up.

I guess I can't blame him. He does not want to be around his mom and watch her self-destruct. I did encourage him to go visit her this weekend though.


----------



## BashfulB

My wife's indictment came in. Count 1: transportation for sale of meth, a class 4 felony. Count 2: conspiracy to possess meth for sale, a class 5 felony. And these are stackable, meaning the judge could stack the sentences and send her away for longer. 

I just threw up. This was almost as bad as finding out she cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

BashfulBull said:


> My wife's indictment came in. Count 1: transportation for sale of meth, a class 4 felony. Count 2: conspiracy to possess meth for sale, a class 5 felony. And these are stackable, meaning the judge could stack the sentences and send her away for longer.
> 
> I just threw up. This was almost as bad as finding out she cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow BB. Her world is imploding right in front of you. I'm sorry for all you're going through. 

Stay focused on what's best for you and your children.


----------



## BashfulB

Just spoke with my stepson. He's distraught. He's going to see his mom Saturday, which is good. Man if someone told me a year ago I would be going through this hell I would have told them they were nuts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> My wife's indictment came in. Count 1: transportation for sale of meth, a class 4 felony. Count 2: conspiracy to possess meth for sale, a class 5 felony. And these are stackable, meaning the judge could stack the sentences and send her away for longer.
> 
> I just threw up. This was almost as bad as finding out she cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry for you and your stepson. You had enough to deal with with out now having to think about this.

Stay strong.


----------



## bfree

Any idea of the typical jail time for each felony?


----------



## Jasel

Wow I was thinking she'd probably get a slap on the wrist but that sounds serious.


----------



## 3putt

bfree said:


> Any idea of the typical jail time for each felony?


Typically 1-4 years and a fine of $10,000 to $100,000 for a class 4 felony. Just depends on jurisdiction. Not sure about class 5.


----------



## Truthseeker1

3putt said:


> Typically 1-4 years and a fine of $10,000 to $100,000 for a class 4 felony. Just depends on jurisdiction. Not sure about class 5.


Do judges typically stack sentences for a 1 time offender?


----------



## 3putt

Truthseeker1 said:


> Do judges typically stack sentences for a 1 time offender?


Again, according to what I've read, it depends on a variety of factors; jurisdiction, the judge, past criminal record, etc. Pretty much anything could happen. Also, I was wrong about the maximum imprisonment. It most areas it seems to be 2-10 years for the Class 4 (not 1-4), but I was right about the max fine being 100 grand.

Throw in the Class 5 felony to boot, and anyone's guess is as good as the next. But I would bet no stacking on a first time offender with no priors.

But she will probably do some time. And, frankly, it will probably (hopefully) benefit her in the long run.


----------



## Truthseeker1

3putt said:


> Again, according to what I've read, it depends on a variety of factors; jurisdiction, the judge, past criminal record, etc. Pretty much anything could happen. Also, I was wrong about the maximum imprisonment. It most areas it seems to be 2-10 years for the Class 4 (not 1-4), but I was right about the max fine being 100 grand.
> 
> Throw in the Class 5 felony to boot, and anyone's guess is as good as the next. But I would bet no stacking on a first time offender with no priors.
> 
> But she will probably do some time. And, frankly, it will probably (hopefully) benefit her in the long run.


What a complete mess of a good life....


----------



## Brokenshadow

Bull, you're behavior has been exemplary. You are a saint. If it helps, my mom did some time. If you are in a giving mood, the best thing you can do is throw a couple bucks into an account so she can use the commissary. The food in prison is crap, and having money to buy better is huge. Add to this a calling card so she can talk to her kids, another huge gesture. This is hard, I know. I kept my mom flush with money, but still got a post card telling me how horrible a son I was, how I didn't care about her. Women in jail do ok. It might help her dry out, which could in turn save her life. Be strong, my brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

Truthseeker1 said:


> What a complete mess of a good life....


Yep! She bit it big this time. And has no one to blame but herself.

Well, she'll have plenty of time to think about it and decide what to do with her life from this point forward.


----------



## 3putt

Brokenshadow said:


> Bull, you're behavior has been exemplary. You are a saint. If it helps, my mom did some time. If you are in a giving mood, the best thing you can do is throw a couple bucks into an account so she can use the commissary. The food in prison is crap, and having money to buy better is huge. Add to this a calling card so she can talk to her kids, another huge gesture. This is hard, I know. *I kept my mom flush with money, but still got a post card telling me how horrible a son I was, how I didn't care about her. *Women in jail do ok. It might help her dry out, which could in turn save her life. Be strong, my brother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just WOW!


----------



## Brokenshadow

3putt said:


> Just WOW!


Yeah, don't know what to say about that. I moved her, myself, when she was in jail. The last time I paid her rent for a month cause she was being evicted. Gave my sister time enough to pack up her valueables. She lost some furniture, but it couldn't be helped. To this day, she thinks I turned my back on her. I can't talk to her about the problems in my marriage, since I know it gives her some sense of happiness to see others fail.

If it's any indication, I'm a mensan, born to parents who were a sailor and a drug addict who met at Pearl harbor. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

BB

I do hope her attorney is good. Because she is really oing o need the legal assistance.

Stay positive but realize it is her problem. You can only support her so far through this dilemma.

HM


----------



## 3putt

Brokenshadow said:


> Yeah, don't know what to say about that. I moved her, myself, when she was in jail. The last time I paid her rent for a month cause she was being evicted. Gave my sister time enough to pack up her valueables. She lost some furniture, but it couldn't be helped. To this day, she thinks I turned my back on her. I can't talk to her about the problems in my marriage, since I know it gives her some sense of happiness to see others fail.
> 
> If it's any indication, I'm a mensan, born to parents who were a sailor and a drug addict who met at Pearl harbor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, the good news is that at least in your case the apple DID fall far from the tree. You did your duty. I can relate. I won't get into my trials and tribulations with my parents and brothers here, but hoo boy can I relate. 

Man, tough stuff.


----------



## BashfulB

3putt said:


> Again, according to what I've read, it depends on a variety of factors; jurisdiction, the judge, past criminal record, etc. Pretty much anything could happen. Also, I was wrong about the maximum imprisonment. It most areas it seems to be 2-10 years for the Class 4 (not 1-4), but I was right about the max fine being 100 grand.
> 
> Throw in the Class 5 felony to boot, and anyone's guess is as good as the next. But I would bet no stacking on a first time offender with no priors.
> 
> But she will probably do some time. And, frankly, it will probably (hopefully) benefit her in the long run.


In Idaho where my wife lives a class 4 carries 5 years for the aggravated and a class 5 carries 3.5 years for the aggravated. Her lawyer hopes to get the prosecuter to throw out the class 5 and have her plead to an attempted transportation which will lower the 4 to a 5. Even with the aggravated she will have to do a max of 3.5, but he thinks she will get the presumptive, which is 2.75 years at most.

I hope I got all this right. I dont know what any of this means but it sounds a little bit better than when he explained it to me.

That is the lawyer's plan anyway.


----------



## BashfulB

Brokenshadow said:


> Bull, you're behavior has been exemplary. You are a saint. If it helps, my mom did some time. If you are in a giving mood, the best thing you can do is throw a couple bucks into an account so she can use the commissary. The food in prison is crap, and having money to buy better is huge. Add to this a calling card so she can talk to her kids, another huge gesture. This is hard, I know. I kept my mom flush with money, but still got a post card telling me how horrible a son I was, how I didn't care about her. Women in jail do ok. It might help her dry out, which could in turn save her life. Be strong, my brother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you very much friend. Those are great ideas. I'm steering through uncharted waters here.


----------



## BashfulB

happyman64 said:


> BB
> 
> I do hope her attorney is good. Because she is really oing o need the legal assistance.
> 
> Stay positive but realize it is her problem. You can only support her so far through this dilemma.
> 
> HM


Yeah I spoke with her attorney today. Hes a public defender (overworked, underpaid and probably burned out) but he seems sharp.


----------



## 3putt

BashfulBull said:


> In Idaho where my wife lives a class 4 carries 5 years for the aggravated and a class 5 carries 3.5 years for the aggravated. Her lawyer hopes to get the prosecuter to throw out the class 5 and have her plead to an attempted transportation which will lower the 4 to a 5. Even with the aggravated she will have to do a max of 3.5, but he thinks she will get the presumptive, which is 2.75 years at most.
> 
> I hope I got all this right. *I dont know what any of this means but it sounds a little bit better than when he explained it to me.*
> 
> That is the lawyer's plan anyway.


It was bad enough cheating on you with her dealer, but what it really means is that she totally fvcked up allowing her to be used as his drug mule. Possession is one thing, intent to distribute is quite another. She got used from top to bottom....almost literally. 

This is unusual around here, and very sad for the both of you, and your stepson. So much pain and consequence for...what?

A cheap high, a broken marriage, a scarlet letter, a prison term, and more than likely an STD yet to be uncovered. I could probably think of others, but....... 

Just waste. Sad.

Hang in there bud.


----------



## the guy

HAs she point the finger to the OM and the other dealer?


----------



## Shaggy

Her getting caught actually is good for her. She was on the fast train to ending up dead on the path she was taking.

Meth addict,

Doing drug runs 

You know it's likely she was selling sex for drugs, that's the lingerie you found in her closet I'm betting.

Getting arrested may be thing that actually saved her from the inevitable consequences of a meth addiction - no teeth, destroyed skin, skeletal looks, likely living on the street, and doing anything to get the cash to get high.


----------



## BashfulB

the guy said:


> HAs she point the finger to the OM and the other dealer?


I don't know. I really don't. I don't really want to know any of the particulars.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Shaggy said:


> Her getting caught actually is good for her. She was on the fast train to ending up dead on the path she was taking.
> 
> Meth addict,
> 
> Doing drug runs
> 
> You know it's likely she was selling sex for drugs, that's the lingerie you found in her closet I'm betting.
> 
> Getting arrested may be thing that actually saved her from the inevitable consequences of a meth addiction - no teeth, destroyed skin, skeletal looks, likely living on the street, and doing anything to get the cash to get high.


I haven't really gone that deep with her. When we have our e-mail exchange on Saturday I will ask her if she was trading sex for meth. Last time she only admitted to the OM. 

Once I get hired on full time I will go to the doctor and get tested for STDs. I have no insurance right know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

3putt said:


> Again, according to what I've read, it depends on a variety of factors; jurisdiction, the judge, past criminal record, etc. Pretty much anything could happen. Also, I was wrong about the maximum imprisonment. It most areas it seems to be 2-10 years for the Class 4 (not 1-4), but I was right about the max fine being 100 grand.
> 
> Throw in the Class 5 felony to boot, and anyone's guess is as good as the next. But I would bet no stacking on a first time offender with no priors.
> 
> But she will probably do some time. And, frankly, it will probably (hopefully) benefit her in the long run.


:iagree:

Wow! I haven't read this thread in a while and all this goes down.

Here, it's called PWID (Posesssion With Intent to Deliver). And this is half a pound! I don't think I've seen that amount during my time on the streets. 

Yeah, it's very hard to say how much time she'll do. And there will be negotiating and all that. I'm sure the investigation is on going.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> In Idaho where my wife lives a class 4 carries 5 years for the aggravated and a class 5 carries 3.5 years for the aggravated. Her lawyer hopes to get the prosecuter to throw out the class 5 and have her plead to an attempted transportation which will lower the 4 to a 5. Even with the aggravated she will have to do a max of 3.5, but he thinks she will get the presumptive, which is 2.75 years at most.
> 
> I hope I got all this right. I dont know what any of this means but it sounds a little bit better than when he explained it to me.
> 
> That is the lawyer's plan anyway.


You know, if you wanted to, you could get a copy of the initial police report. It's public record, and the initial report is available for a nominal fee if any. Of course, the investigative reports are not public record and only available by court subpoena.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> I talked to my stepson last night. He has a meeting with the Air Force recruiter tomorrow. So, I guess he is pretty serious about joining up.
> 
> I guess I can't blame him. He does not want to be around his mom and watch her self-destruct. I did encourage him to go visit her this weekend though.


Not to dampen his spirits, but be aware that this is an extremely difficult time to join the military, most especially the Air Force. The military is in the midst of a huge draw down of forces now that the war is almost over. Heck, the Army is drawing down 70,000 soldiers. The military is turning people away left and right. And the Air Force requires the highest ASVAB scores of all the services. My friend works for a Navy recruiter and he told me that there's a 9 month waiting period to go to boot camp - if you're even accepted. There was a time when the Navy was literally begging people to join up and the recruiters could never meet their quotas. 

Now with the economy as bad as it is, and the draw down, the recruiters can afford to be choosy. I joined the Air Force towards the end of Ronald Reagan's first term, when were gearing up to prepare to fight the Soviet Union. And even back then, I had to wait 6 months. I have no idea what what the waiting period is now. 

Being out of school for a while, your step son would need to prepare for the ASVAB test if he wants a shot at getting in. You can get him books to help him prepare for the ASVAB.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Bull 
Your wife is somewhere around 40 years old if I remember right. She has had two divorces and been on hard drugs twice that you know of. She stopped for a while but then began using again.

This maybe a sliver of optimism. Your wife has many years of not being free from a certain lifestyle. *A good hard JOLT may help her to get the monkey off her back for good. Hard consequences often will get you to do something different that may break the lifestyle.* Think of it this way. She probably was not going to break her weakness and be free by having a life without many hard consequences. She did not get free for the last 20 years.

Bill Moyer was the press Secretary for President Lyndon Johnson and is now a famous journalist on TV. His son William C Moyer had everything plus a very long hard drug addiction. He did not slow down until he was put into the phyc ward and some other consequences that almost cost him his life.. See below





> William C. Moyers
> Vice President of Public Affairs and Community Relations
> William Moyers is committed to eliminating barriers to recovery from addiction to alcohol and other drugs. As Hazelden's Vice President of Public Affairs and Community Relations, Moyers leads the organization's policy and advocacy activities.
> 
> William Moyers - VP Public Affairs and Community Relations -- Hazelden


*My point is that hitting bottom sometimes promotes change. William C Moyers was around 40 when he got clean. *


----------



## larry.gray

lordmayhem said:


> Now with the economy as bad as it is, and the draw down, the recruiters can afford to be choosy. I joined the Air Force towards the end of Ronald Reagan's first term, when were gearing up to prepare to fight the Soviet Union. And even back then, I had to wait 6 months. I have no idea what what the waiting period is now.


I tried joining when we were "spending the peace dividend." No problems with my ASVAB, scored nearly perfect. My problem was bad knees.... anything but perfect physical and they moved on to the next available candidate.


----------



## BashfulB

lordmayhem said:


> You know, if you wanted to, you could get a copy of the initial police report. It's public record, and the initial report is available for a nominal fee if any. Of course, the investigative reports are not public record and only available by court subpoena.


I may do that. My computer is on the fritz right now. Next week I should have the money to get it worked on, then I'll fire off a request to the police department for them. 

Her attorney gave me the lowdown. Police were tipped off to her, they stopped her for some crap little traffic violation then when she acted nervous they got a warrant and searched the car. The total baggies of meth added up to around 6 ounces total. She had bag with about 100 baggies of rock meth hidden under the spare tire cover in the trunk. 

Oh, and the state is confiscating her car. State has drug impound rights to sell it. I paid cash for that car two years ago. Down the toilet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> Bull
> Your wife is somewhere around 40 years old if I remember right. She has had two divorces and been on hard drugs twice that you know of. She stopped for a while but then began using again.
> 
> This maybe a sliver of optimism. Your wife has many years of not being free from a certain lifestyle. *A good hard JOLT may help her to get the monkey off her back for good. Hard consequences often will get you to do something different that may break the lifestyle.* Think of it this way. She probably was not going to break her weakness and be free by having a life without many hard consequences. She did not get free for the last 20 years.
> 
> Bill Moyer was the press Secretary for President Lyndon Johnson and is now a famous journalist on TV. His son William C Moyer had everything plus a very long hard drug addiction. He did not slow down until he was put into the phyc ward and some other consequences that almost cost him his life.. See below
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *My point is that hitting bottom sometimes promotes change. William C Moyers was around 40 when he got clean. *


Thanks for that encouragement. I'm her second husband by the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> I may do that. My computer is on the fritz right now. Next week I should have the money to get it worked on, then I'll fire off a request to the police department for them.
> 
> Her attorney gave me the lowdown. Police were tipped off to her, they stopped her for some crap little traffic violation then when she acted nervous they got a warrant and searched the car. The total baggies of meth added up to around 6 ounces total. She had bag with about 100 baggies of rock meth hidden under the spare tire cover in the trunk.
> 
> Oh, and the state is confiscating her car. State has drug impound rights to sell it. I paid cash for that car two years ago. Down the toilet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would be the start of "rock bottom". I hope she makes the correct adjustments. She may not realize it, but a large part of it was those she chose to align her viewpoints with.... So if she wanted to be done with it, she would cut alot of her "friends" from that segment off.

Similar to how an alchololic, crack or coke addict would have to recover themself by avoiding people and places where they partook in those activitities.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> I may do that. My computer is on the fritz right now. Next week I should have the money to get it worked on, then I'll fire off a request to the police department for them.
> 
> Her attorney gave me the lowdown. Police were tipped off to her, they stopped her for some crap little traffic violation then when she acted nervous they got a warrant and searched the car. The total baggies of meth added up to around 6 ounces total. She had bag with about 100 baggies of rock meth hidden under the spare tire cover in the trunk.


That was merely a suggestion, but I think I shouldn't have mentioned it. Sorry, my bad. What you should do now, is start detaching yourself from her completely. Whatever her crime is, it's no longer your concern. You are no longer responsible for her. In fact, you should no longer email her either. You already know that her email is monitored in prison. You don't want or need police attention, even though you're not doing anything.

What if she was to email you something like "What did you do with that stash that I asked you to hold for me?". I know it sounds stupid, but they would have to start looking at you, being her husband and all. Even though you haven't done anything wrong, you don't want want investigators going to your job and asking questions about you. Perception is everything. 



BashfulBull said:


> Oh, and the state is confiscating her car. State has drug impound rights to sell it. I paid cash for that car two years ago. Down the toilet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not much you can do about that. Unless you want to go to the trouble of going to the auction and buying your car again.


----------



## Chaparral

Was the car in her name?


----------



## Squeakr

Chaparral said:


> Was the car in her name?


Unless it was not in her name, stolen, and reported so, ownership usually doesn't matter (except if it was a business that owned it and the car was a rental). Generally they have the right to confiscate as it was "knowingly" lent out and therefor partial responsibility is to be accepted by the owner for lending it out.


----------



## BashfulB

Yes it was in her name. I gave her the money to buy it. It's not a great car: its a 2003 Camry. It has close to 200k on it now, but it only had 55k when I got for her and it was pristine. Oh well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> Unless it was not in her name, stolen, and reported so, ownership usually doesn't matter (except if it was a business that owned it and the car was a rental). Generally they have the right to confiscate as it was "knowingly" lent out and therefor partial responsibility is to be accepted by the owner for lending it out.


Her lawyer told me the car is history. A state could confiscate AirForce One if it was used for running dope and even the Feds could not stop them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> Her lawyer told me the car is history. A state could confiscate AirForce One if it was used for running dope and even the Feds could not stop them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But Air Force 1 is used for running a dope so why haven't they confiscated yet???????


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> But Air Force 1 is used for running a dope so why haven't they confiscated yet???????


I knew if I set that up someone would punchline it! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

BashfulBull said:


> I knew if I set that up someone would punchline it! LOL!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you lob an easy one in there like that, how can I help but not hit it out of the park???


----------



## BashfulB

Gotta laugh once in a while. 

Anyways my stepson has backed off the military idea. He's going to live at the house as long as he can and find full time work so he can save up for an apartment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60

Hope stepson goes back to school.

The military is not that bad of a deal (Air Force) food, lodging and medical paid for and he get some marketable training and real life experience. Even with crap pay starting out, if he is smart he can have a neat sum saved by the time he gets out. If he stays for around 4 years he can finish school on the GI bill.


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## BashfulB

Had a nice dinner with red headed lady. It was a pleasant evening. She is pretty, smart and very independent. Nothing romantic really happened but she did give me a kiss goodnight and says she wants to go out again. She had to go to work early tomorrow so I took her home at 10. 

E-mailed with the wife today. She is depressed about her indictment. Her preliminary hearing is next week. 

As for the affair, she wrote that she met him in January when he came over to fix our heat pump. They started chatting and then the next month he came by to change the AC filters and brought a couple of joints. He offered her one and they went out on the back porch and got high. That's when he kissed her. She said she let him seduce her and started sleeping with him a couple weeks later. Then in March sometime she did meth with him for the first time. They would get together at his apt in the mornings while I was at work and then she would go home and get ready for her swing shift around 1:00 pm. During this time she and I rarely saw each other and sex was rare. 

I told her it was possible she could have given me an STD. She said she was sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I called her a pig and thanked her for me having to go get blood work to make sure I'm not going to die from some rot she gave me. That was it. I'm not sure I'm going to contact her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Pretty pointless, isn't it?


----------



## bandit.45

What a heartbreaking story. 

Bull you are a saint to have even given your cheating wife this much consideration. I have no advice to give you except to just keep leaning on your own instincts. They seem to have served you well so far. 

If I were you, I would stop asking her particulars about what she did with this guy. I predict doing so will only bring you more pain, because I guarantee you are only getting 10% of the whole story.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Had a nice dinner with red headed lady. It was a pleasant evening. She is pretty, smart and very independent. Nothing romantic really happened but she did give me a kiss goodnight and says she wants to go out again. She had to go to work early tomorrow so I took her home at 10.
> 
> E-mailed with the wife today. She is depressed about her indictment. Her preliminary hearing is next week.
> 
> As for the affair, she wrote that she met him in January when he came over to fix our heat pump. They started chatting and then the next month he came by to change the AC filters and brought a couple of joints. He offered her one and they went out on the back porch and got high. That's when he kissed her. She said she let him seduce her and started sleeping with him a couple weeks later. Then in March sometime she did meth with him for the first time. They would get together at his apt in the mornings while I was at work and then she would go home and get ready for her swing shift around 1:00 pm. During this time she and I rarely saw each other and sex was rare.
> 
> I told her it was possible she could have given me an STD. She said she was sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I called her a pig and thanked her for me having to go get blood work to make sure I'm not going to die from some rot she gave me. That was it. I'm not sure I'm going to contact her again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now that you have your answers about the affair - cut her off. There is nothing left for you with this woman. If you want send her a parting email and let her know you started dating but be done with it. She is a self-destrive human being. Man she is a mess....I feel bad for her son - he has to deal with her as his mother.


----------



## badcompany

BashfulBull said:


> Had a nice dinner with red headed lady. It was a pleasant evening. She is pretty, smart and very independent. Nothing romantic really happened but she did give me a kiss goodnight and says she wants to go out again. She had to go to work early tomorrow so I took her home at 10.


:smthumbup:


----------



## LongWalk

BB, I don't see what bothered you more just at this moment. You already knew the score. The point of maintaining contact was to help her deal with her predicament. You had already decided not to be man and wife, but mere to offer her some compassion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> BB, I don't see what bothered you more just at this moment. You already knew the score. The point of maintaining contact was to help her deal with her predicament. You had already decided not to be man and wife, but mere to offer her some compassion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have decided to go ahead and e-mail her tomorrow. I was mad after last Saturday but I have calmed down and stood back and looked at it as objectively as I could. 

At least she was being somewhat honest with me about the mechanics of her affair. I still have more questions I need answers to. So I will e-mail her and see what else she will tell me. 

She had her preliminary hearing this week and her court date is set for November 11. My stepson has been talking to her lawyer and is trying to work out a plea deal. We'll see how that goes. 

I started driving full time this week and I may stand a chance at making overtime pay on the weekends, which will come in handy. Driving cement and gravel trucks are not my cup of tea, but work is work....I can't complain. 

My boss got back from Mexico this week and was impressed with how I took care of the place and kept his horses groomed and the stables cleaned. He wants me to keep living rent-free in the little trailer and help him around the place. He's in his 70s and can't get around like he used to. So things are going good! :smthumbup:

I got off work early and had a late lunch with my redheaded little lady friend today. We are becoming good friends and she has a sparkle in her eye for me that reminds me of the look my WW used to have. This could lead to something good, but I'm going to take it slow. 

The divorce paperwork has been filed with the court. The mediator is supposed to know by next week what the date of divorce will be. She says that she has seen simple, no fault divorces like this one go through in as little as 60 days.


----------



## bandit.45

Good to see you are getting out and socializing. I think as your wife gets more out of her drug fog she will open up to you more. 

But beware.... She may have more dirty little secrets you don't know about. Steel yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt

By BULL
I have decided to go ahead and e-mail her tomorrow. I was mad after last Saturday but I have calmed down and stood back and looked at it as objectively as I could. 

At least she was being somewhat honest with me about the mechanics of her affair. I still have more questions I need answers to. So I will e-mail her and see what else she will tell me.





Are you sure you want her to tell you more?

I can see getting more detail if you were trying to decide to R or D. Especially if you tried to R but you have made up your mind already to D. 
*Why do you want to know more? What are the pros and cons of more?*

I have read on this forum where some have said that they wished they never knew more as that more has haunted them for many years after the D. Look how upset you got the last time you got a bit of more!

I know that you are going to do what you want Bull but thought I would ask you a question and tell you what additional detail did to others.


----------



## LongWalk

Good job. You need to be upfront with your stbxw. You are done with her and the contact and support you offer can vanish at any time. If it is emotionally too difficult you end it. However, be up front with yourself. Perhaps you should offer her conditional help. As long as she stays clean and out of trouble when she gets out of prison, you'll provide her with a little support, provided she starts her life anew somewhere else.

But if you start a new relationship, you may need to go NC. Most women won't want the idea of you having contact.

I guess the key right now is not to push her underwater at this moment in time, for your own conscience. She is after all a person with addictions. She chose to smoke dope, knowing she would slide off the edge. And she may have love you all the time, but in a compartment. The longer you were in that compartment, the faster she would have destroyed herself.

In your last letter to her, which you haven't written yet, you'll forgive her and ask her forgiveness. Wish her luck with the rest of her life. You'll find peace and you'll be able to share it with her as a parting gift.


----------



## BashfulB

I should have listened to everyone's advice and not probed my WW for more details. 

It's 10x worse than I ever imagined. I haven't eaten since yesterday I'm so sickened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60

BashfulBull said:


> I should have listened to everyone's advice and not probed my WW for more details.
> 
> It's 10x worse than I ever imagined. I haven't eaten since yesterday I'm so sickened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me guess - she was a real ***** trading sex for drugs with multiple guys or she was passed around from guy to guy in the drug gang?

Cut her loose totally - no contact - why torture yourself?


----------



## happyman64

You know BB. You cannot do anything to change that history. Leave it all behind you. 

And heal. Focus on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

TDSC60 said:


> Let me guess - she was a real ***** trading sex for drugs with multiple guys or she was passed around from guy to guy in the drug gang?
> 
> Cut her loose totally - no contact - why torture yourself?


This. PLEASE stop torturing yourself for more information that isn't going to make you feel any better whatsoever.


----------



## warlock07

BashfulBull said:


> I should have listened to everyone's advice and not probed my WW for more details.
> 
> It's 10x worse than I ever imagined. I haven't eaten since yesterday I'm so sickened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't lash out at her like you did the last time...that wasn't necessary


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I should have listened to everyone's advice and not probed my WW for more details.
> 
> It's 10x worse than I ever imagined. I haven't eaten since yesterday I'm so sickened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BB - I know your STBXW is in a bad place but you need to focus on YOU now. You need to cut her loose....


----------



## BashfulB

Basically. Mostly one guy at a time, sometimes several at once. She's not human.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow

BashfulBull said:


> Basically. Mostly one guy at a time, sometimes several at once. She's not human.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BB, you're a better man than most. You could apply for sainthood for the compassion you've shown. Show yourself the same care, and let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

I feel your pain!

My old lady was a one at a time girl, but that didnt mean others could watch.

Its hard to face this crap, part of me wants to know what became of my wife and how far gone she was, but yet when I hear the details its even harder to deal with.

Damb if you do and damb if you don't.......

However I have reached a point were I know how far gone she was and I no loger feel the need to ask for more details. I think we all reach a point were we have seen enough porno to know what happened and the need for more details goes a way.

In short in a 22 yr marriage..... 13 years with 20 OM is one detail I may have been able to live with out knowing...IDK? 
That and the sex club visit....I could have gone on not knowing.
Letting the OM's best friend watch....thats another one FWW could have left out.
And one more, the time she befriended and blew the biggest guy at an all male party to keep from getting gang banged... that was another detail I could have lived with out.

Its tough BB..knowing the details may not help you, especially since she is no longer your problem and somethings are just best left alone including your STBXW.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> I should have listened to everyone's advice and not probed my WW for more details.
> 
> It's 10x worse than I ever imagined. I haven't eaten since yesterday I'm so sickened.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, I was trying to warn you for your mental health no to be right. When people are trying to right the ship, they will tell the truth. Many times, especially in affairs, it is way worse than many mind movies.


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## larry.gray

BashfulBull said:


> Basically. Mostly one guy at a time, sometimes several at once. She's not human.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Human, just very, very broken.


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## Jasel

Please cut this woman off for your own sake. Focus on the stepson as well as yourself but your STBXW if laying in the bed she made all by herself. But no calls, visits or emails to her. I doubt its doing much for her anyway and it sure as hell isnt helping you.


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## phillybeffandswiss

If you need IC get it, but don't guilt yourself into feeling like you led her down this path.


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## whowouldhavethought

You need to divorce immediately. It cost money to imprison someone. The laws in every state allow the state to go after the spouse for repayment of this expenditures. That is why you need to divorce ASAP.

WWHT


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## warlock07

She is probably reacting out of spite after your last letter


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## bandit.45

BB, take a break from TAM for a while. Stop contacting your ex and take a break and clear your head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## user_zero

I'm wondering why you keep going back ....

its like reading a book with several chapters. as long as you keep rereading a chapter in the hope of finding something good in there , you can't go to the next chapter. you have to close a chapter for good so you could start another. LET THIS CHAPTER GO!

plus , she is a drug addict at the worst of her situation. she needs a safe environment to vent, to talk about her choices, to realize her mistakes so she could make better choices in future. and that safe ear can not be you. every time you go back you hear more hurtful things , you can't handle it. you say something out of anger (and rightfully anger) to her. she would feel abandoned and defeated even more. now I know you didn't give her any hope about 'you two' but as long as you keep going back she is gonna feel there is hope.
I think this situation is not healthy for either of you.

please live your life.


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## Mr Blunt

> By bULL
> 
> I should have listened to everyone's advice and not probed my WW for more details.
> 
> It's 10x worse than I ever imagined. I haven't eaten since yesterday I'm so sickened.


Bull
Use this pain to finally make up your mind that you are going to *concentrate on ONLY YOU!!*


Realize that you are in a war with your emotions and you are not strong enough to be anyone’s hero. You can help someone else when you get a lot stronger. You better learn to change who you can change and that is ONLY YOU! If you do not expect more sickness without eating.


*You have bit into a sour lemon now make lemonade!*


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## LongWalk

BB is not the sort of guy who walks away from another human being in trouble. He knows that done with her as a wife, but he wants to see her come out of this as well as she can.

She is responsible for her own fate. Her criminal activity came about because of her love of drugs. Her love of drugs was a factor in her surrender to the urge to cheat.

He can just cut her off and move on, that is perfectly legit. However, even forgiveness and understand from the man she lost may help her to just pull herself together at critical situation.

Once BB starts a relationship with a new woman he will eventually write a farewell letter to his ex in prison and wish her luck.

It is possible, however, that he will remain in contact with his stepson. So this is not so clean.


----------



## BashfulB

warlock07 said:


> She is probably reacting out of spite after your last letter


She wrote me that everything she was telling me was true and that her drug counselor at the jail told her she needed to be totally honest with me. 

I asked her again if there was sex other than with the OM.

She admitted that while she was cheating and using meth with him, it was only him. 

After he got picked up the night of DDay, and after I left, she turned to the OM's suppliers. One guy was a biker-type and she had sex with him twice and gave him and two of his cronies BJs on three occasions whe she was high. She never did them all together, but separately one at a time. 

The other dealer she dealt with was a total tweaker, cooker, and seller and he treated her pretty badly. She claims he made her have a threesome with him and one of his buddies. About a week later he brought over the same buddy again, and this time my wife resisted and they basically reacted by raping her and beating her up. This was the night before the morning she got picked up. She was hurting real bad and was driving erratically, and that's when the cops pulled her over and saw the sorry state she was in. 

I asked her if that was the extent of it and she said yes. I asked her if she had gotten tested for STDs and she said yes, and was waiting to hear back from the jail nurse as to the results. 

I thanked her for being honest a then I told her that I would not be contacting her again and to not try to e-mail me, that we were through for good. 

I have an appointment this Thursday for my STD test. I am sickened and disgusted and in a way I feel violated myself. No way I ever talk to her again. We're through.


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## tom67

I have an appointment this Thursday for my STD test. I am sickened and disgusted and in a way I feel violated myself. No way I ever talk to her again. We're through. You did the right thing she left you no choice.


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## Brokenshadow

Jesus...my heart goes out to you, man. It sounds like you're in a safe place now, stick with it and put this sickness behind you. Drugs, legal or not, change a person. Her downfall isn't your fault, or responsibility. You deserve better. And you'll find it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Sorry for you BB.

And I am sorry for your wife too. Drugs and abuse are horrible.

I hope that you stay in touch with your Stepson even if you no longer communicate with your wife.

That boy needs some stable adult in his life.

HM


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## LostViking

That's so awful. I have no words. Just stay strong Bull. You will make it through. 

Now, never contact her again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

We all make it thru...hell there is no other option!

Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts.


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## warlock07

BB, I know that you are hurting pretty bad yourself but rape is a pretty traumatic thing to happen. You need not be her white knight but I think you need to be more consistent with her, whatever it is. The push pull behavior is not good for her mental state, which is already in a very bad state.. I am particularly concerned if any of this stuff will push her over the edge.


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## the guy

The counselor gave her good advice, she needed to be honest and except the inconsistancy from BB as a consequences....a small one at that.

Her bad choices, even before she got busted were more and more consequences...as horrible as they were... her path to hitting rock bottom had nothing to do with BB!

Addict can't look for consistancy from others IMHO. If they want consistancy they have to find it with in them selves.

His old lady was asked and she laid it all out there, I think she has a hell of a lot of respect for BB now and his response was a conseqence she will need to face. She must face all these consequences and get help and in a few years she just might be a better mother and daughter to someone that cares about her the most.

Damb that was deep!


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> She wrote me that everything she was telling me was true and that her drug counselor at the jail told her she needed to be totally honest with me.
> 
> I asked her again if there was sex other than with the OM.
> 
> She admitted that while she was cheating and using meth with him, it was only him.
> 
> After he got picked up the night of DDay, and after I left, she turned to the OM's suppliers. One guy was a biker-type and she had sex with him twice and gave him and two of his cronies BJs on three occasions whe she was high. She never did them all together, but separately one at a time.
> 
> The other dealer she dealt with was a total tweaker, cooker, and seller and he treated her pretty badly. She claims he made her have a threesome with him and one of his buddies. About a week later he brought over the same buddy again, and this time my wife resisted and they basically reacted by raping her and beating her up. This was the night before the morning she got picked up. She was hurting real bad and was driving erratically, and that's when the cops pulled her over and saw the sorry state she was in.
> 
> I asked her if that was the extent of it and she said yes. I asked her if she had gotten tested for STDs and she said yes, and was waiting to hear back from the jail nurse as to the results.
> 
> I thanked her for being honest a then I told her that I would not be contacting her again and to not try to e-mail me, that we were through for good.
> 
> I have an appointment this Thursday for my STD test. I am sickened and disgusted and in a way I feel violated myself. No way I ever talk to her again. We're through.


Wow..BB - I'm so sorry for you... if you can see an IC as well...

I am also sorry for your STBXW - she has gone to a very dark place and no one can be sure if she will ever make it out again...


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## hereinthemidwest

Glad you had the strenght to leave and stay gone. Two thumbs up for not allowing her to waste anymore of your life. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> She wrote me that everything she was telling me was true and that her drug counselor at the jail told her she needed to be totally honest with me.
> 
> I asked her again if there was sex other than with the OM.
> 
> She admitted that while she was cheating and using meth with him, it was only him.
> 
> After he got picked up the night of DDay, and after I left, she turned to the OM's suppliers. One guy was a biker-type and she had sex with him twice and gave him and two of his cronies BJs on three occasions whe she was high. She never did them all together, but separately one at a time.
> 
> The other dealer she dealt with was a total tweaker, cooker, and seller and he treated her pretty badly. She claims he made her have a threesome with him and one of his buddies. About a week later he brought over the same buddy again, and this time my wife resisted and they basically reacted by raping her and beating her up. This was the night before the morning she got picked up. She was hurting real bad and was driving erratically, and that's when the cops pulled her over and saw the sorry state she was in.
> 
> I asked her if that was the extent of it and she said yes. I asked her if she had gotten tested for STDs and she said yes, and was waiting to hear back from the jail nurse as to the results.
> 
> I thanked her for being honest a then I told her that I would not be contacting her again and to not try to e-mail me, that we were through for good.
> 
> I have an appointment this Thursday for my STD test. I am sickened and disgusted and in a way I feel violated myself. No way I ever talk to her again. We're through.


BB - do you think you or your step-son are in any danger from this drug gang?


----------



## badcompany

BB, that's terrible.
The only advice I can give from here is about the house/apartment?
If they "cooked" there it's imperative that no one stays there, the chemicals leech into everything and can sicken people for years afterwards. I've seen a few meth houses here after the fact, and they either get torn down to the foundations by people in protective gear, and rebuilt, or the fire department does a controlled burn on them. 
The drug gang thing is also something to be concerned about....
Hope your STD test comes out ok and you'll be good to go with red-headed-lady when your ready


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## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> BB - do you think you or your step-son are in any danger from this drug gang?


No. Not that I know of. But I told him to watch his back. He has a CC permit and I taught him how to be walking death with his Glock 19. He carries it in a fanny pack everywhere and he's not afraid to use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

badcompany said:


> BB, that's terrible.
> The only advice I can give from here is about the house/apartment?
> If they "cooked" there it's imperative that no one stays there, the chemicals leech into everything and can sicken people for years afterwards. I've seen a few meth houses here after the fact, and they either get torn down to the foundations by people in protective gear, and rebuilt, or the fire department does a controlled burn on them.
> The drug gang thing is also something to be concerned about....
> Hope your STD test comes out ok and you'll be good to go with red-headed-lady when your ready


The police never searched the house thank goodness. Her drugs were found in her car, so only the car gets confiscated. My son was living with his mom most of the time at the house and she never cooked meth there or stored it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

I'm actually feeling very calm and peaceful today. No anger, only a little sadness. It is as if what she told me was the final knowledge I needed to completely detach. I know many of you think I'm a glutton for punishment asking for all the truth, but in a very real way it set me free, even though it was hard to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

BB, I am glad to hear that you are at this state. I know what you say (and the counselors say the same thing about knowing too much) but I like you need the closure and that would help me as well.

Semper Fi, brother.


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## aug

BashfulBull said:


> I'm actually feeling very calm and peaceful today. No anger, only a little sadness. It is as if what she told me was the final knowledge I needed to completely detach. I know many of you think I'm a glutton for punishment asking for all the truth, but in a very real way it set me free, even though it was hard to hear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Knowledge is freedom.


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## Mr Blunt

> *Originally Posted by BashfulBull *
> I'm actually feeling very calm and peaceful today. No anger, only a little sadness. It is as if what she told me was the final knowledge I needed to completely detach. I know many of you think I'm a glutton for punishment asking for all the truth, but in a very real way it set me free, even though it was hard to hear.


The important thing is that you DETACHED

I was hoping that you could detach without additional painful truths but everyone is different. Now you will be free from her in time. Yes the truth will set you free!

You are still wounded Bull so remember to work on YOU. I know you are a good guy but wait until you have healed more before you try to help her


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## BashfulB

I'm going to take a break from TAM everyone. Thank you all again for your help and suppport. I'll check back in in a few weeks when there is something to report.


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## manfromlamancha

Good luck and God bless ! I, for one, have mainly been a lurker on this thread but took a lesson on how to cope with courage, grace and integrity and thank you for that.


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## Shaggy

Btw, it seems that the very safest and best place for her is actually prison. On the outside she would be going down hill to a literal grave really fast.

Her getting picked up was the best thing that could have happened to her.


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## BashfulB

Just a quick update:

My stepson called me this morning and gave me some news. My soon-to-be-ex wife had a hearing yesterday where she pled to a reduced Class 5 Felony. She has to do a total of 180 days in jail, but she will get credit for time served. Then she will be on probation for three years and she will have to attend in-patient drug treatment when she is through serving her jail time. 

I'm existing one day at a time. Some days are harder than others. The mind movies of her and those other men having group sex robs me of my sleep and torments me, but it gets a little better each day. I will sometimes be driving along and I'll see a woman from the back whose hair and body shape is like my WW's and I will spiral into more mind movies. It is indeed like a rollercoaster. I'm down nearly 80 pounds from where I was before D-Day, primarily because I just do not eat much anymore. 

I have had no contact with her since we last e-mailed. My stepson, who has been visiting her once a week at the jail, says she is very depressed and looks sick. The first thing she asks him every time he sees her is how I am doing. I guess it makes me feel a little bit better to know that she at least thinks about me. 

The divorce is moving forward. According to my mediator I should get my divorce decree sometime around the end of November. 

I'm still living in my little trailer with my dog, and for the most part my boss has given me almost complete control over the running of his little ranch here. He's a great old guy and I have confided in him alot. He too went through adultery issues with his first wife who he divorced over thirty years ago. He has told me he is glad he divorced her because afterwards her life went down the toilet. He has told me that it is not my job to save my WW, and that I should not feel guilty about moving forward with my life. 

Work is going well....too well. I am driving upwards of 60 hours a week for the redi-mix outfit, as we just got a big highway contract. The extra work is very welcome as it keeps my mind busy and helps me focus. And the overtime has been nice as I am working on salvaging my retirement. 

I broke it off with the little redhead gal this past weekend. We had alot of fun over the past couple of weeks and even had a couple of good times in bed, but we both admitted we just weren't feeling it. She is looking for a husband while marriage is the last thing I want right now. So we decided to move on and remain friends, with occasional benefits if we ever get the urge.  It is for the best anyway as it was going too fast for me. The sex was very nice and made me feel a little better about myself. Strangely enough, I did not feel guilty about sleeping with another woman before the divorce was final. Is this wrong? I don't know. Don't know if I even care. 

Anyways that's where I'm at. I'm far from healed, but at least I feel like I'm going in a direction now.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Just a quick update:
> 
> My stepson called me this morning and gave me some news. My soon-to-be-ex wife had a hearing yesterday where she pled to a reduced Class 5 Felony. She has to do a total of 180 days in jail, but she will get credit for time served. Then she will be on probation for three years and she will have to attend in-patient drug treatment when she is through serving her jail time.
> 
> I'm existing one day at a time. Some days are harder than others. The mind movies of her and those other men having group sex robs me of my sleep and torments me, but it gets a little better each day. I will sometimes be driving along and I'll see a woman from the back whose hair and body shape is like my WW's and I will spiral into more mind movies. It is indeed like a rollercoaster. I'm down nearly 80 pounds from where I was before D-Day, primarily because I just do not eat much anymore.
> 
> I have had no contact with her since we last e-mailed. My stepson, who has been visiting her once a week at the jail, says she is very depressed and looks sick. The first thing she asks him every time he sees her is how I am doing. I guess it makes me feel a little bit better to know that she at least thinks about me.
> 
> The divorce is moving forward. According to my mediator I should get my divorce decree sometime around the end of November.
> 
> I'm still living in my little trailer with my dog, and for the most part my boss has given me almost complete control over the running of his little ranch here. He's a great old guy and I have confided in him alot. He too went through adultery issues with his first wife who he divorced over thirty years ago. He has told me he is glad he divorced her because afterwards her life went down the toilet. He has told me that it is not my job to save my WW, and that I should not feel guilty about moving forward with my life.
> 
> Work is going well....too well. I am driving upwards of 60 hours a week for the redi-mix outfit, as we just got a big highway contract. The extra work is very welcome as it keeps my mind busy and helps me focus. And the overtime has been nice as I am working on salvaging my retirement.
> 
> I broke it off with the little redhead gal this past weekend. * We had alot of fun over the past couple of weeks and even had a couple of good times in bed,* :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:but we both admitted we just weren't feeling it. She is looking for a husband while marriage is the last thing I want right now. So we decided to move on and remain friends, with occasional benefits if we ever get the urge.  It is for the best anyway as it was going too fast for me. The sex was very nice and made me feel a little better about myself. Strangely enough, I did not feel guilty about sleeping with another woman before the divorce was final. Is this wrong? I don't know. Don't know if I even care.
> 
> Anyways that's where I'm at. I'm far from healed, but at least I feel like I'm going in a direction now.


Hang in there BB!!! I'm glad you posted an update!!!


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## moto164

This has been one brutal read, How your wifes life changed so drastically in such a short time is heartbreaking.


----------



## Vulcan2013

Good for you! So sorry you've had to go through this.


----------



## Chaparral

Hang in there and good luck. I have known many people that have gone down the drug/alchohol rabbit hole. Its very sad.


----------



## missthelove2013

Jeez I have NEVER read a 47 page thread before but I am glad I did
BB, damn, you just went through the tunnel of hell and I am impressed with how you handled it all...I cant imagine anyone handling this situation with more tact, class, and humanity than you...

I am hoping you update this thread with the news you are 100% std free soon, as I am vested LOL I will keep checking in...

It sounds like all the other pieces are falling into place and your moving ahead...good for you...I cant even fathom going through this and handling it as well as you!!!


----------



## BashfulB

missthelove2013 said:


> Jeez I have NEVER read a 47 page thread before but I am glad I did
> BB, damn, you just went through the tunnel of hell and I am impressed with how you handled it all...I cant imagine anyone handling this situation with more tact, class, and humanity than you...
> 
> I am hoping you update this thread with the news you are 100% std free soon, as I am vested LOL I will keep checking in...
> 
> It sounds like all the other pieces are falling into place and your moving ahead...good for you...I cant even fathom going through this and handling it as well as you!!!


Well I'm not that strong. I still wake up almost every night with cold sweats, dream of my wife having sex with multiple men, and I break down crying at the most inopportune times. It has been hard. I don't really post about the hard stuff because I was one of those kids who grew up in a home where complaining and telling people about your woes was forbidden. 

Just last week I hauled a belly dump full of gravel out to the road bed we are transporting materials to and as I was waiting in line to make my dump I had this memory of my wife and I just suddenly spring into my head for no reason and I just broke down crying. 

There are times when I miss her so bad I just want to drive back to Idaho and spring her out of jail and take her back here to live with me where I can keep her safe. But then I realise I wasn't able to keep her safe before, and I have to overcome my imagination. The truth is I married a person I never really knew. 

Very often I just feel humiliated, cheap and worthless. It has been a rough ride.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Well I'm not that strong. I still wake up almost every night with cold sweats, dream of my wife having sex with multiple men, and I break down crying at the most inopportune times. It has been hard. I don't really post about the hard stuff because I was one of those kids who grew up in a home where complaining and telling people about your woes was forbidden.
> 
> Just last week I hauled a belly dump full of gravel out to the road bed we are transporting materials to and as I was waiting in line to make my dump I had this memory of my wife and I just suddenly spring into my head for no reason and I just broke down crying.
> 
> There are times when I miss her so bad I just want to drive back to Idaho and spring her out of jail and take her back here to live with me where I can keep her safe. But then I realise I wasn't able to keep her safe before, and I have to overcome my imagination. The truth is I married a person I never really knew.
> 
> *Very often I just feel humiliated, cheap and worthless. It has been a rough ride.*


That may describe your STBXW but it certainly does not describe you!!!


----------



## user_zero

BashfulBull said:


> Well I'm not that strong. I still wake up almost every night with cold sweats, dream of my wife having sex with multiple men, and I break down crying at the most inopportune times. It has been hard. I don't really post about the hard stuff because I was one of those kids who grew up in a home where complaining and telling people about your woes was forbidden.
> 
> Just last week I hauled a belly dump full of gravel out to the road bed we are transporting materials to and as I was waiting in line to make my dump I had this memory of my wife and I just suddenly spring into my head for no reason and I just broke down crying.
> 
> There are times when I miss her so bad I just want to drive back to Idaho and spring her out of jail and take her back here to live with me where I can keep her safe. But then I realise I wasn't able to keep her safe before, and I have to overcome my imagination. The truth is I married a person I never really knew.
> 
> Very often I just feel humiliated, cheap and worthless. It has been a rough ride.


two things : 

- the woman you knew as your wife is gone (dead). you have to bury her, mourn her , cry for her , let her go in order to move on. as long as you have contact with her either directly or indirectly (through her son , ...) you would not be able to truly move one. with time it gets better. but time is a perception of changes. and these changes doesn't just happen. you have to do your part. you can't save her. you already paid enough. let yourself be happy.

- when people marry someone, they think their spouse is saint and can't do anything wrong. usually couple at the start of their relationship don't see any fault or shortcoming in their partners. and when their spouse messes up , they believe it was their own fault. that they didn't do something right so their spouse cheated on them. what your ex-wife did has nothing to do with you. therefore doesn't make you into anything including cheap , worthless , .... . you have to believe this.


----------



## missthelove2013

user_zero said:


> two things :
> 
> *- the woman you knew as your wife is gone (dead). you have to bury her, mourn her , cry for her , let her go in order to move on*. as long as you have contact with her either directly or indirectly (through her son , ...) you would not be able to truly move one. with time it gets better. but time is a perception of changes. and these changes doesn't just happen. you have to do your part. you can't save her. you already paid enough. let yourself be happy.
> 
> - when people marry someone, they think their spouse is saint and can't do anything wrong. usually couple at the start of their relationship don't see any fault or shortcoming in their partners. and when their spouse messes up , they believe it was their own fault. that they didn't do something right so their spouse cheated on them. what your ex-wife did has nothing to do with you. therefore doesn't make you into anything including cheap , worthless , .... . you have to believe this.


that is exactly what it sounds like he is doing...he is mourning her loss...


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## po'drunk

BB,
You Sir have been an excellent example of what and how a grown man would and should handle a situation like this. The pain is unavoidable but you haven't let it paralyze you as it does so many others posting on this site. Especially when one considers your extreme situation. I consider you as an example of what "manning up" truly means. Best of luck to you.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Very often I just feel humiliated, cheap and worthless. It has been a rough ride.



I know that in a situation like you have the emotions can just run all over logic and reason. I am going to give a little logic and reasoning in hopes that you grab some of it.

*What you wife did is not a report card on your value and integrity. She did what she did because she is a broken person and she was trying to feed her brokenness. *Let’s hope that the jail time and rehab will help her get better.

Stop lettering your run away emotions tell you, you are worthless! You have helped her son and you tried to help her. You gave her ½ of your money when you did not have to and you have supported her all the time you were married to her. You did not cheat on her or use meth even though you were hurt badlyand in deep pain.

I know that it is going to hurt like hell for a while because you thought that she valued you above meth and those things she did. You put some of your value in her judgment and her loyalty to you. That is what people do when they are giving in a caring relationship; you gave her your heart and trust. *Because she decided to seek out things to feed her brokenness has nothing to do with your worth!*

You can decide that this reasoning and logic does not trump the emotions but it does. Your emotions cannot be fully trusted right now and you cannot fully control them. You can decide to put more stock in logic and reasoning because right now that is a whole lot more reliable than those emotions. You cannot help when you get surprised triggers but you can use your mind to get them off your back until you get stronger.

I know we are a poor substitute for you having a wife that really values you and cares for you but you can see that this TAM group recognizes your value. Look at all the posts to you and what they say about you. As you work on getting stronger yourself you will probably lean on other people's opinions. I wish that you were strong enough to not need any other opinions from people but since you do then stop, use your head, and evaluate. Why would we at TAM be so complimentary of you? Are we going to get money form you? Do we think that you are going to provide us with anything? NO we compliment you because we see a man of value. NO we are not going to elect you man of the year because you are the best man on the planet but we are trying to give you the truth. You have been fair with her in this whole thing, you are grateful to the man that you work for, you put in 60 hours a week, you do not succumb to drugs, etc.

*For now Bull chose to let your logical rational mind kick your emotions right in the AZZ!*

*Rely on the facts not the emotions.*


----------



## LostViking

Bull remember that the only guy she really wanted to have sex with other than you was the OM, and that's because he seduced her and got her hooked back on drugs. Those other men were johns and nothing more. She hated having sex with them and I'm sure despised herself for it every second. Right now as she sits in that jail cell she feels worthless and cheap. 

I do believe she feels a huge amount of grief and sorrow for what she did to you and to herself. But she is an addict now. Her prognosis is not good. She is living in a hell of her own making. 

She did not do this because you were a poor husband or bad lover. She did these things because she is an addict. It is time for you to let her go, as hard as it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

I know all this. I do feel like she died. I do feel like I'm mourning her death. 

I know it wasn't anything I did or didn't do that got her into this mess. But its hard to detach and get myself out of that husband way of thinking. My instincts tell me to save her, while my head tells me stay the hell away from her. It is like a war raging inside me. 

Oh and by the way my STD tests came back clean. The only scare was the Hep C test. The first test came back positive, but the testing agency said not to fear. I have some kind of weird metabolyte in my blood that causes false positives on Hep C tests. About 10% of the population has this metabolyte they say. They re-ran it twice and got negatives. So I'm good. 

They do want me to come back for two more HIV tests over the next year, so that kinda sucks. What a wonderful parting gift from my WW.


----------



## Silvr Surfer

Yeesh. This is depressing. Hang in there, I know you will pull through.


----------



## Syco

BashfulBull said:


> They do want me to come back for two more HIV tests over the next year, so that kinda sucks. What a wonderful parting gift from my WW.


Good luck with the tests.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By Bull
> My instincts tell me to save her, while my head tells me stay the hell away from her.



*Emotions-instincts vs head-logic

Bull you get to choose*


----------



## Shaggy

BB she chose the drugs and the high over you. She's simply living out the life she chose. Yes it sucks, but it is what she as an adult chose.


----------



## larry.gray

LostViking said:


> Bull remember that the only guy she really wanted to have sex with other than you was the OM, and that's because he seduced her and got her hooked back on drugs. Those other men were johns and nothing more. She hated having sex with them and I'm sure despised herself for it every second.


I wouldn't completely buy the rape story, but I also wouldn't discount it. She very well may have been raped by other druggies and been too out of it to resist.


----------



## larry.gray

BashfulBull said:


> The only scare was the Hep C test. The first test came back positive, but the testing agency said not to fear. I have some kind of weird metabolyte in my blood that causes false positives on Hep C tests. About 10% of the population has this metabolyte they say. They re-ran it twice and got negatives. So I'm good.


Yep, I got that scare too. They told me at the time that I shouldn't worry, but when I get a hep-C positive it did freak me out a bit.


----------



## turnera

Crying...for what? For losing a POS?


----------



## LongWalk

> Just last week I hauled a belly dump full of gravel out to the road bed we are transporting materials to and as I was waiting in line to make my dump I had this memory of my wife and I just suddenly spring into my head for no reason and I just broke down crying.
> 
> There are times when I miss her so bad I just want to drive back to Idaho and spring her out of jail and take her back here to live with me where I can keep her safe. But then I realise I wasn't able to keep her safe before, and I have to overcome my imagination. The truth is I married a person I never really knew.


Bull, you are a bit of a loner. There plenty of guys like you. I am one, too. You worked and went home to your wife. You didn't have a lot of family. Now you've ripped yourself up and started a new life somewhere else. Naturally, you think about the life you lost, the good part of it.

Your wife wife was pretty hot but she was broken inside. You regret having given her all that idle time. If she had had a job and some fulfilling occupation, she wouldn't have strayed. Maybe. For sure you know that some people cannot be gainfully unemployed.

You hate to see her go down. Your stbx stepson is a relationship and a trigger. Good thing that you have TAM.

Maybe you can compartmentalize your ex's situation:

1) Cut off all contact, including your stepson. You cannot be close to him without thinking of her.

alternatively

2) Write your ex and tell her that, as she ought to understand now, zero chance of reconciliation, however, you want to see her pull herself together. Tell her to start looking for job and housing, so that she does not come out on the other side, with nothing and nobody, which will just lead to hanging out with the wrong sort of people.

You can set aside some money to help her on the way out. Don't mention it to her. But it could be a way to get rid of this uncertainty.

You need a hobby that will bring you into contact with others.


----------



## BashfulB

turnera said:


> Crying...for what? For losing a POS?


Crazy huh?

Not really crying for her. Just for the death of what once was I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Bull, you are a bit of a loner. There plenty of guys like you. I am one, too. You worked and went home to your wife. You didn't have a lot of family. Now you've ripped yourself up and started a new life somewhere else. Naturally, you think about the life you lost, the good part of it.
> 
> Your wife wife was pretty hot but she was broken inside. You regret having given her all that idle time. If she had had a job and some fulfilling occupation, she wouldn't have strayed. Maybe. For sure you know that some people cannot be gainfully unemployed.
> 
> You hate to see her go down. Your stbx stepson is a relationship and a trigger. Good thing that you have TAM.
> 
> Maybe you can compartmentalize your ex's situation:
> 
> 1) Cut off all contact, including your stepson. You cannot be close to him without thinking of her.
> 
> alternatively
> 
> 2) Write your ex and tell her that, as she ought to understand now, zero chance of reconciliation, however, you want to see her pull herself together. Tell her to start looking for job and housing, so that she does not come out on the other side, with nothing and nobody, which will just lead to hanging out with the wrong sort of people.
> 
> You can set aside some money to help her on the way out. Don't mention it to her. But it could be a way to get rid of this uncertainty.
> 
> You need a hobby that will bring you into contact with others.


I've though about writing a letter, a long one. I just might. But I won't abandon my stepson. I'm the closest thing he has to a positive family member in his life. His grandparents and aunts and uncles are all gutter trash. He needs me to guide him and to give him advice. 

As for money, I already gave her $13k. No more. 

My biggest problem is once I give my heart and loyalty to someone it sticks. I thought I had detached from her but I was kidding myself. It is going to be a long process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown

I hope someday you find someone that will be positive in your life.

Do something for yourself this weekend.


----------



## tdwal

BashfulBull said:


> I've though about writing a letter, a long one. I just might. But I won't abandon my stepson. I'm the closest thing he has to a positive family member in his life. His grandparents and aunts and uncles are all gutter trash. He needs me to guide him and to give him advice.
> 
> As for money, I already gave her $13k. No more.
> 
> My biggest problem is once I give my heart and loyalty to someone it sticks. I thought I had detached from her but I was kidding myself. It is going to be a long process.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you on your stepson, I would not abandon him. Your right your the probably the only stable influence he has in his life and why should his life be ruined by this. He really is an innocent bystander in all this.


----------



## the guy

Poeple die, we miss our loved ones but you/we carry on!

The next time you get all sappy and want to cry like a baby tell your self " I DISERVE GOOD THINGS"

This crap happens to me all the time, sometimes its about what my old lady did, sometimes its driving by my old watering hole, even getting Victory Secrets catalog.....it all makes me want to break down and cry.....but damb it "I DISERVE GOOD THINGS"!!!!


Force that crap out brother, stop letting this define you!

Trust me you will phuck you self up thinking this way. When this sh1t comes up, look in the rearview mirror and smile, look at your self and tell your self you are better then this.

Sorry @ss wipe your letting this crap define you...your stronger then that!

Now I need a new 2x4 cuz I just broke my last one over BB's head


----------



## the guy

harrybrown said:


> I hope someday you find someone that will be positive in your life.
> 
> Do something for yourself this weekend.


Phuck "someday"...now is the time...your buddy set you up with a temp job when you bailed, and that turned in to a solid gig, you met some lady and taking it slow.....phuck it... now is the time...b1tches!!!!!!

Dude please don't let this sh1t suck you down.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back up that matters!


----------



## moto164

I'm glad your not going to abandon your stepson that would be devastating to him at this time.


----------



## BashfulB

the guy said:


> Phuck "someday"...now is the time...your buddy set you up with a temp job when you bailed, and that turned in to a solid gig, you met some lady and taking it slow.....phuck it... now is the time...b1tches!!!!!!
> 
> Dude please don't let this sh1t suck you down.
> 
> Its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back up that matters!


If you read my prior posts I was dating a nice little lady and we did sleep together a few times. It did make me feel a bit better for a short time, but the effect was temporary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jasel

I wouldn't recommend writing your wife a letter. Or if you do, write one out that you don't send to her but just to get your feelings out. I know a user here did that and it seemed to have helped him somewhat. Continued contact is not going to help you or her move on like you both need to.


----------



## LongWalk

Bull, I am not trying to get you to throw good money after bad. You are wondering what is going to happen to your ex. I am only suggesting that you have two routes: remove her or compartmentalize her.

Your ex stepson is a trigger. If you want to maintain a relationship with him, and that may not be bad thing, you automatically end up thinking about her. In less than a year she'll be released. Her fate will be a burden for him. By setting a side some money now you resolve the problem instead of letting it kick you in the future.

Her prospects are now dim. Three years from now do you want to hear your stepson telling you about the completion of her self destruction? Of course you can have a relationship with him but impose a condition: that he is forbidden to speak of his mother. Absurd, given that your connection is your ex.

Dealing with the trauma of her infidelity will be easier if you build up a new life with new social contacts. Depending on a relationship with a woman to ground your life is risky, as your ex proved.

You are doing a great job. Aim for a life in which her escapades or redemption will not be a new chapter in your life. You need to reduce her to the status of a footnote.


----------



## BashfulB

I've been getting out and walking a couple of nights and it makes me feel better. I may get myself some good shoes and start going for distance. It's good for my dog to. He's a butterball. 

I have a good buddy here in town who I hang out with and I've made some friends. So I have a bit of a social life again. And today I am putting together a forge in the shed beside my trailer. All I need is a new belt sander and I'm going to start making knives again. I have my anvil, hammers and tools. Today I'm building a work bench for my vice and the belt sander I will buy next payday. Already have one picked out. So I will have my favorite hobby to keep my mind occupied again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60

I used to make knives out of old files years ago. I really enjoyed it. Might get back into it myself.

As for kidding yourself that you are detaching from her - it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity so you have a ways to go but you will be OK.

Keep in touch with your stepson but DO NOT ask how STXW is doing. Do not reach out to her or even worry about her. I know it is hard but she is not your responsibility any longer. You are a compassionate man and it is natural to feel sad for someone in a bad situation, but remember that she created the situation she is in. She kept secrets from you and cheated on you with multiple men. Do not feel guilty for not saving her. There is nothing you could have done. She did not discuss this with you or ask for your help before she cheated did she? 

Time will help you heal. I want a pic of the first knife you turn out.


----------



## larry.gray

BashfulBull said:


> Crazy huh?
> 
> Not really crying for her. Just for the death of what once was I think.


Don't be down on yourself. You're a great man who loved a woman. You can be sad about what you lost because it was real.


----------



## inarut

I haven't written but have followed your story. I have the utmost respect for you . You are a good man. You love your wife. She hurt you in a way you can't forgive even if you wanted to try. That nice girl that you like could help you in getting through this.. Make it a bit less painful but you see it for what it is ..good for you...Something to ease a pain that can't really be eased only worked through. So don't do that.,,work through it . Once you do .... And it will take time you will be ready for all the good things waiting for you ,,,,and I believe those good things will be there waiting when you are ready...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> If you read my prior posts I was dating a nice little lady and we did sleep together a few times. It did make me feel a bit better for a short time, but the effect was temporary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BB - you are doing fine given the circumstances. Be there for your stepson and take care of yourself...the STBXW is on her own and rightfully so....

Dating will be hard at first be keep at it - things will get better.....it will take time and effort on your part. Remember your WIFE did this - not you - this is no reflection on you and solely a reflection on her. Although she doesn't seem to be blameshfiting - cheaters blameshift a lot - blaming their spouse for their decision to cheat. *Adultery is a reflection of the cheaters character not of how good or bad a spouse is perceived to be....*


----------



## LongWalk

Cool hobby. Steel is amazing. Do you create steel from iron and coke?

Maybe you could meet people by selling custom engraved hunting knives as Christmas presents. Meet some hunters and their wives. Not for cheating, haha.

How do you see the upcoming Christmas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## user_zero

BashfulBull said:


> My biggest problem is once I give my heart and loyalty to someone it sticks. I thought I had detached from her but I was kidding myself. It is going to be a long process.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


could you explain 'detachment'? I mean what do you expect to happen when you're detached? how do you see yourself then?
it's important that we have reasonable expectations from ourselves. after all we are not machines , we are human beings. As others said it usually takes about 2 to 5 years. it gets better. but you are not going to forget this like ever.

sometimes I think infidelity is like someone stabbing you with the kitchen knife in the knee. it hurts like hell. even looking at it hurts but you have to take care of your wound properly. remove the knife, clean your wound, ... give it time to heal. unless it might get infected. you might need to cut your leg or you may end up dead (too graphic?  ). and even if you do everything right, still it doesn't mean it's going to be the same. you got to be honest to yourself. every time you walk you're going to feel pain in your knee. with time it gets better. but you're going to feel the itch every time. at one point you might enjoy walking , or even running. but you never going to run like before. that's not possible. things are not going to be same as before. your life's changed. most importantly you've changed.

I hope I didn't make you feel more depressed. give yourself time. treat yourself nicely. the worst part is already over.


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Cool hobby. Steel is amazing. Do you create steel from iron and coke?
> 
> Maybe you could meet people by selling custom engraved hunting knives as Christmas presents. Meet some hunters and their wives. Not for cheating, haha.
> 
> How do you see the upcoming Christmas?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have never made my own crucible steel, although I have read up on it and would like to try one day. It's an arduous process. 

I usually use scrap carbon steel that I recycle from other objects. I have used leaf springs, lawn mower blades, old files, farriers rasps and whatever good scrap I can find. The best knives I made were from two big old 36" sawmill blades that were A1 tool steel. I also have mixed different steels and made folded Damascus but that is hard anvil work. I would love to get an auto-hammer one day. When I have $10k to spare one day maybe I'll buy one. LOL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

I used to go to bladesmith conventions quite alot but stopped going after I got married. I would like to start going again and re-forge some old friendships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

user_zero said:


> could you explain 'detachment'? I mean what do you expect to happen when you're detached? how do you see yourself then?
> it's important that we have reasonable expectations from ourselves. after all we are not machines , we are human beings. As others said it usually takes about 2 to 5 years. it gets better. but you are not going to forget this like ever.
> 
> sometimes I think infidelity is like someone stabbing you with the kitchen knife in the knee. it hurts like hell. even looking at it hurts but you have to take care of your wound properly. remove the knife, clean your wound, ... give it time to heal. unless it might get infected. you might need to cut your leg or you may end up dead (too graphic?  ). and even if you do everything right, still it doesn't mean it's going to be the same. you got to be honest to yourself. every time you walk you're going to feel pain in your knee. with time it gets better. but you're going to feel the itch every time. at one point you might enjoy walking , or even running. but you never going to run like before. that's not possible. things are not going to be same as before. your life's changed. most importantly you've changed.
> 
> I hope I didn't make you feel more depressed. give yourself time. treat yourself nicely. the worst part is already over.


For me right now the only detachment I want is to 1) stop missing her so much and 2) stop feeling like I need to rescue her. That's all I want for now. I'm not looking far down the road. I just want the hurt to stop. I'll deal with the future as it comes. As for now I'll keep walking and breathing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill

user_zero said:


> could you explain 'detachment'? I mean what do you expect to happen when you're detached? how do you see yourself then?
> it's important that we have reasonable expectations from ourselves. after all we are not machines , we are human beings. As others said it usually takes about 2 to 5 years. it gets better. but you are not going to forget this like ever.
> 
> sometimes I think infidelity is like someone stabbing you with the kitchen knife in the knee. it hurts like hell. even looking at it hurts but you have to take care of your wound properly. remove the knife, clean your wound, ... give it time to heal. unless it might get infected. you might need to cut your leg or you may end up dead (too graphic?  ). and even if you do everything right, still it doesn't mean it's going to be the same. you got to be honest to yourself. every time you walk you're going to feel pain in your knee. with time it gets better. but you're going to feel the itch every time. at one point you might enjoy walking , or even running. but you never going to run like before. that's not possible. things are not going to be same as before. your life's changed. most importantly you've changed.
> 
> I hope I didn't make you feel more depressed. give yourself time. treat yourself nicely. the worst part is already over.


Well said.


----------



## Wolfman1968

BB-
You'll probably go through some emotions when the divorce is finalized at the end of November (if it remains on schedule).

I know you said you were going to take some time off from TAM; however, if you feel overwhelmed, post back then. You may get some perspectives from people who have been there themselves. 

You do seem to be doing well on your own, though.


----------



## user_zero

BashfulBull said:


> For me right now the only detachment I want is to 1) stop missing her so much and 2) stop feeling like I need to rescue her. That's all I want for now. I'm not looking far down the road. I just want the hurt to stop. I'll deal with the future as it comes. As for now I'll keep walking and breathing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1) I believe what you're missing is not her. but it's the good experiences , good memories with her. you miss the good things she brought into your relationship. if that's the case , I want you to know that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. it's part of process. you know when we are in love with someone , we see all these possibilities that could lead to amazing experiences with that person. and when we choose to marry that person , in our mind we connect all of those good dreams and good memories with this person in a way that we believe it's not possible to have those with someone else. therefore when we are going to separate from that person we feel the loss of all those good things too. we believe we never going to have those ever again.
now I know that you know all of these. but knowing it is something and believing in it is something else.

2) I don't think there is any way that you could rescue her. even if you could it would be for a short time before she screws up again. you know there is a reason she is at where she is now. she must realize the price of choices she made on her own. that hitting rock bottom with full force I believe it's the only thing that can really help her. she needs to rescue herself. she needs to find stability inside herself not from you. I know it might seems cruel to you. but you have to believe : "not rescuing her is actually rescuing her".


----------



## LongWalk

Jail is close to rock bottom. But we all know that when people get out of jail without any money or support, they are forced to reach out to whomever. She has some family. Will they help her?

She has her son. He is not at the stage of life that he can. That leaves Bull with the feeling that he should do something, not to save her as a wife but as human being to whom he has or had a profound connection.

He is torn between cutting all contact and the thoughts that he has been having. It is a human dilemma.

Bull, cool about forging. The hammering is good exercise, as long as it doesn't lead to joint damage. Nice with the recycling.


----------



## ScubaSteve61

BashfulBull said:


> I used to go to bladesmith conventions quite alot but stopped going after I got married. I would like to start going again and* re-forge *some old friendships.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the attitude, man. You'll make it, I can see the sense of humor still kicking.


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Jail is close to rock bottom. But we all know that when people get out of jail without any money or support, they are forced to reach out to whomever. She has some family. Will they help her?
> 
> She has her son. He is not at the stage of life that he can. That leaves Bull with the feeling that he should do something, not to save her as a wife but as human being to whom he has or had a profound connection.
> 
> He is torn between cutting all contact and the thoughts that he has been having. It is a human dilemma.
> 
> Bull, cool about forging. The hammering is good exercise, as long as it doesn't lead to joint damage. Nice with the recycling.


Her mom and dad might take her in, but they would do little to keep an eye on her or try to keep her from relapsing. If anything the environment would encourage relapse. Her dad and brother are both alcoholics and her mom is crazy as a loon. Both her mom and her dad cheated on one another throughout their marriage, splitting up and getting back together several times over the course of my wife's growing years. During splits with her dad, her mom would bring a parade of men over to their house and get drunk and have sex with them. My wife told me horror stories about her mom that made my bile rise. So you see, she never had a good adult example to follow. 

I thought when I met her she was amazing because she seemed so well adjusted. I was wrong.


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Her mom and dad might take her in, but they would do little to keep an eye on her or try to keep her from relapsing. If anything the environment would encourage relapse. Her dad and brother are both alcoholics and her mom is crazy as a loon. Both her mom and her dad cheated on one another throughout their marriage, splitting up and getting back together several times over the course of my wife's growing years. During splits with her dad, her mom would bring a parade of men over to their house and get drunk and have sex with them. My wife told me horror stories about her mom that made my bile rise. So you see, she never had a good adult example to follow.
> 
> I thought when I met her she was amazing because she seemed so well adjusted. I was wrong.


Your STBXW has had a sad, messed up life I don't doubt that...that being said you can not be her KISA....she has to find her own way....you can not save her BB


----------



## illwill

She is not your child. I've known many people like her, and they will bring you down, if you allow it. Your child needs one stable parent and that is you. Help her, but you cannot, and will not save her. She has to choose that for herself. I used to work in a rehab facility.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> er mom and dad might take her in, but they would do little to keep an eye on her or try to keep her from relapsing. If anything the environment would encourage relapse. Her dad and brother are both alcoholics and her mom is crazy as a loon. Both her mom and her dad cheated on one another throughout their marriage, splitting up and getting back together several times over the course of my wife's growing years. During splits with her dad, her mom would bring a parade of men over to their house and get drunk and have sex with them. My wife told me horror stories about her mom that made my bile rise. So you see, she never had a good adult example to follow.
> 
> I thought when I met her she was amazing because she seemed so well adjusted. I was wrong.




Your wife is too broken; you can not save her, she is the only one that can improve herself. If you try to save her you will probaly go down.You can save you.

Wait out the pain but work on you and force yourself to accept that your ex-wife is toxic and stop thinking about her.

I know that sounds cold but that is reality.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> Your wife is too broken; you can not save her, she is the only one that can improve herself. If you try to save her you will probaly go down.You can save you.
> 
> Wait out the pain but work on you and force yourself to accept that your ex-wife is toxic and stop thinking about her.
> 
> I know that sounds cold but that is reality.


I agree wholeheartedly. She is too far gone for me to save. Today is a much better day. I got my workbench built and I bought my belt sandr yesterday. Now all I need to do us get my forge out together and I'll be back making knives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Foghorn

BB,

I have been following your thread. The strength and sanity that comes through is amazing. I have no doubt that in the long run you will find someone better and thrive.

Glad you working hard and doing productive physical things, it is a great outlet for stress, and you have something nice at the end of it.

Take good care and I will be praying for you.

-Foghorn


----------



## badmemory

BashfulBull said:


> During splits with her dad, her mom would bring a parade of men over to their house and get drunk and have sex with them. My wife told me horror stories about her mom that made my bile rise. So you see, she never had a good adult example to follow.


I haven't see a better example of what "staying together for the kids" can do to the children in a dysfunctional household. They're that much more likely to become cheaters themselves.


----------



## the guy

BashfulBull said:


> If you read my prior posts I was dating a nice little lady and we did sleep together a few times. It did make me feel a bit better for a short time, but the effect was temporary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes it those temporary things that give us a little boost to get thru this crap.

Granted it may not be the anchor we want, but if we try sometime we just might find we get what we need to carry on.

Now give me a hour or two to catch up on the last few pages, my reading is worse then my spelling :rofl:

Damb 6/ 10's a week are cutting into my TAM time, but the dough is b1tchen!

You guys think I couldn't spell working a straight 40 throw in 20 hours of OT and kiss my typing/spelling good by


----------



## the guy

BashfulBull said:


> I'll deal with the future as it comes. As for now I'll keep walking and breathing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Really?

Why can't you make your new future like when this all went down and bailed so many months ago?

From were I'm sitting you are getting sucked back in. You are letting your self get sucked back in...when in fact you can deal with the future, and dictate its out come by *forging* your own destiny....

Thats my $0.02


----------



## BashfulB

the guy said:


> Really?
> 
> *Why can't you make your new future like when this all went down and bailed so many months ago?*
> 
> From were I'm sitting you are getting sucked back in. You are letting your self get sucked back in...when in fact you can deal with the future, and dictate its out come by *forging* your own destiny....
> 
> Thats my $0.02


This is a good question for me to ponder. Thanks.


----------



## BashfulB

I got my little forge started up last night, and what was the very first thing I went and did? Yep, I burned the living hell out of my hand. 

Good thing I have lots of scar tissue from the old burns. :rofl:


----------



## bandit.45

Good to hear you are moving on BB. 

Come back and update us once in a while.


----------



## Nucking Futs

BashfulBull said:


> I got my little forge started up last night, and what was the very first thing I went and did? Yep, I burned the living hell out of my hand.
> 
> Good thing I have lots of scar tissue from the old burns. :rofl:


You know, you've gotten some good advice on this forum, and you've benefited from it. I'm going to give you some more good advice, and if you take it you'll benefit from it also: Stop burning yourself on your forge.

You're welcome.


----------



## BashfulB

Just an update: 

My mom passed away last week and I drove back to my home state to bury her. When I got back yesterday I shot an e-mail off to my STBXW because she and my mom had been close. I know I said I would not contact her again but this was a special circumstance. 

I'm not planning to respond to her if she replies.


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update:
> 
> My mom passed away last week and I drove back to my home state to bury her. When I got back yesterday I shot an e-mail off to my STBXW because she and my mom had been close. I know I said I would not contact her again but this was a special circumstance.
> 
> I'm not planning to respond to her if she replies.


Sorry about your mother


----------



## 3putt

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update:
> 
> My mom passed away last week and I drove back to my home state to bury her. When I got back yesterday I shot an e-mail off to my STBXW because she and my mom had been close. I know I said I would not contact her again but this was a special circumstance.
> 
> I'm not planning to respond to her if she replies.


So sorry for your loss, Bull. Prayers to you and your family.


----------



## Clay2013

I am sorry for your loss. That has got to be hard. Seems like they just don't quit do they. I would have told your xW too. 

I read your story a week ago and man good for you for not going back. My wife cheated on me over the course of ten years. I wished I would have been as strong. I divorced her 6 years ago when I found out about the new man or like the 5th one. I sure was stupid. I kept my kids and filed for divorce. Its nice to know there is life after that kind of stuff. 

Clay


----------



## azteca1986

Of course, contacting your STBXW is understandable in the circumstances. I hope all else is good in your life.

Deepest condolences BB.


----------



## vellocet

BashfulBull said:


> I’m new to this site and need some advice.
> 
> I married my wife four years ago. It was my first marriage and her second. We seemed to have had a good relationship and I thought all was well, but a little over three weeks ago I discovered she was having a full blown physical affair with a contractor who had worked on our house. When I followed her to his apartment and confronted them together, she made a huge scene and she and him both attacked me together. I managed to beat the crap out of him, but I ended up hitting her too and giving her a bloody nose.


Did you hit her because she was attacking you? If so, she should have been charged as you were defending yourself. I don't care if its a man or woman. If a woman attacks a man, he has the right to defend himself.




> I am currently staying with a buddy at his place in a little unknown town about two states away. He has gotten me a job driving for his trucking company and I have no intention of going back to my cheating wife. Of course she has been texting me non-stop since that night, claiming she wants me back, that she has broken up with her lover, and apologizing for attacking me along with her boyfriend.


No, DO NOT GO BACK TO HER. She is a skank and deserves whatever man will use her for what she is. Make a new life where you are at and tell her to F off.




> Her son is pissed at her too and he went and told all her family what she had done. He called me the other day to tell me she had kicked him out of the house after she found out he outed her to the in-laws.


Mother of the f'in year. What a *****.




> My question is, can I divorce my wife from the state I am currently living in, which has much more fairer divorce laws than the state my wife is in, or do I have to file in the state where she lives?


That depends. Ask an attorney. But it shouldn't matter. Sounds like you have no kids together, and the chances of her getting alimony are slim. So it shouldn't matter.

But I'm guessing if you established residency where you are, and you file there, then it can be done where you are at. Again, get a consult with an attorney. If he/she says you have to file where she is at, then hire an attorney where she lives. Otherwise you'll be paying big bucks for the attorney in your area to travel to courts in another state.




> I’m afraid if I try to divorce her back in her state she will be able to get more from me than she deserves.


Shouldn't matter. You both are entitled to 50% of the marital assets. And fight alimony tooth and nail if she goes for it. Be firm on that. 

Also, the money you pulled out, don't spend it. She will probably be able to get that back, unless the fact you took it out before filing makes a difference. 




> I also want to know from all of you if I should go back and confront my wife.


Absolutely not. Go no contact with her and let your lawyer do the talking. Ignore calls, texts, everything. Do NOT talk to her.
Ignore her, let your lawyer speak on your behalf from now on.


----------



## vellocet

Damn sorry, came into this way late. Didn't see the original post date.

So since I haven't read all 50 pages, what is the status my brother?


----------



## moto164

Sorry about your mom, will send some prayers her way.


----------



## TDSC60

Sorry about your Mom.

I would have handled the contact with Ex the same way. It would have been a little cruel not to tell her under the circumstances.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update:
> 
> My mom passed away last week and I drove back to my home state to bury her. When I got back yesterday I shot an e-mail off to my STBXW because she and my mom had been close. I know I said I would not contact her again but this was a special circumstance.
> 
> I'm not planning to respond to her if she replies.


Death doesn't care about who you are or what you have done. Classy is putting aside differences when someone is sick or dies. You did the right thing.

Take care of yourself and your family.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update:
> 
> My mom passed away last week and I drove back to my home state to bury her. When I got back yesterday I shot an e-mail off to my STBXW because she and my mom had been close. I know I said I would not contact her again but this was a special circumstance.
> 
> I'm not planning to respond to her if she replies.


Very sorry to hear about your Mom BB.
My condolences.


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you everyone for your kind condolences. My mom had been suffering from a debilitating bone disease for many years. It had gotten bad the last coue of years to where she could barely walk or take care of herself. I like to think she's with my dad now in a better place. I like to think of them up in heaven sitting at a table doing those 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles that they loved doing together. 

My WW emailed me back this morning and thanked me for telling her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MovingAhead

BB,

I am sorry about your mom. How is everything else progressing? Working through the healing?


----------



## BashfulB

MovingAhead said:


> BB,
> 
> I am sorry about your mom. How is everything else progressing? Working through the healing?


Every day gets better. I'm working long hours and that keeps my mind busy. On days off I work around the ranch here and if I have any spare time I'll piddle with my knives. I'm forge welding a cable Damascus hunting knife right now. I've never made one before. Can't wait to see how it turns out. 

My wife's email to me was what I expected. She apologized again and stated she wished things had not turned out the way they had. On the plus side, she says her NA meetings are going well and she is setting up a halfway house/ treatment center to go to after her release so she won't be homeless. My stepson and his girlfriend cleaned the house out and put all her belongings in a con-ex. 

As for me, I miss her less each day. Moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LostViking

BB I'm so sorry about your mom. But I agree, she is in a much better place now. I'm just sorry that you have gone through so much in the last six months. Losing your marriage and then your mom....it's gotta be the worst year of your life. 

Take it one day at a time like you have been doing. Keep moving, keep breathing.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BB, I am sorry about your mom.


----------



## missthelove2013

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update:
> 
> My mom passed away last week and I drove back to my home state to bury her. When I got back yesterday I shot an e-mail off to my STBXW because she and my mom had been close. I know I said I would not contact her again but this was a special circumstance.
> 
> I'm not planning to respond to her if she replies.


I am SO sorry for your loss BB...I still cry over the loss of my dad...losing a parent your close to is something you never get over

I have been keeping an eye out for any and all updates to your story...I sincerley hope you are doing well!!!


----------



## rrrbbbttt

BB my prayers are with you


----------



## MrHappyHat

So.... you going to be selling any of the knives you make?


----------



## BashfulB

missthelove2013 said:


> I am SO sorry for your loss BB...I still cry over the loss of my dad...losing a parent your close to is something you never get over
> 
> I have been keeping an eye out for any and all updates to your story...I sincerley hope you are doing well!!!


Thank you so much for that. Thank you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

MrHappyHat said:


> So.... you going to be selling any of the knives you make?


Well yes, I do hope to eventually. Right now I'm just in the re-learning phase. Going through all my old notebooks and books and re-teaching myself. Right now my knives are not sale quality. I don't want to sell anything that I would not want to take into the field myself. Someday someone who buys a knife from me may find themselves in a dire situation where the strength and performance of the knife I made may mean the difference of them surviving or not. It's important to me to do it right. Until then, I'll just give the early ones away as stocking stuffers with the caveat "not for rough use". LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Found some old momentous of my mom this evening and had myself a good man-cry. Felt good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## moto164

It's been a very hard year for you BB I hope next year is as good as this year has been bad. It's hard when you lose a parent.


----------



## missthelove2013

moto164 said:


> It's been a very hard year for you BB I hope next year is as good as this year has been bad. It's hard when you lose a parent.


considering how well he has done during a completely ****ty horrible year, just think How well he will do with a good year...

BB is gonna make the next year his BIT-CH!!


----------



## BashfulB

Got a wierd e-mail from my STBXWW this past Saturday. She really poured her heart out in it, told me everything she was doing to get her life turned around... she's going to NA there at the jail and has enrpolled in a state funded 45 day treatment/halfway house once she is released. 

She asked where I was living so she could come and see me when she gets released from treatment. She claims the probation officer told her she could transfer her supervision to my state and do her probation here. 

In a nutshell she wants to come live with me and re-build our relationship even though the divorce will be final around the end of December. She says she loves me more than anyone; and that the OM meant nothing to her other than he was a fling that went haywire when she got hooked on the meth he gave her. She says she will do anything to prove her love for me and win me back. 

I haven't answered her. Frankly, after the horrible things she did after I left... the group sex and trading sex for meth....

No, I'm not taking her back or giving her any opportunity to mess with my life again. I'm not even going to answer the e-mail.


----------



## tom67

You are doing the right thing not responding. Answer only when you are ready if at all. She is playing with your emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013

Maybe its time to change your email address to?? Just kidding. 

Its good you are able to see this email and still keep your distance. I would respond to her and just tell her you are not interested in that. You have moved on just like she did. It doesn't have to be hurtful but this is life. 

Its hard to look back but that's how we all learn. 

How is the work doing ?

Clay


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Oh HELL no. Good for you for not responding. Your nightmare would start all over again.


----------



## tom67

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh HELL no. Good for you for not responding. Your nightmare would start all over again.


Not responding is a VERY STRONG STATEMENT.


----------



## happyman64

BB
Respond only if you want to. 

And if you do respond just tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel about her. 

She needs to hear it. She is a recovering addict that has done wrong against you, her son and herself. 

She knows it but needs to hear it from you. 

How is your stepson doing BB?

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

BashfulBull said:


> Got a wierd e-mail from my STBXWW this past Saturday. She really poured her heart out in it, told me everything she was doing to get her life turned around... she's going to NA there at the jail and has enrpolled in a state funded 45 day treatment/halfway house once she is released.
> 
> She asked where I was living so she could come and see me when she gets released from treatment. She claims the probation officer told her she could transfer her supervision to my state and do her probation here.
> 
> In a nutshell she wants to come live with me and re-build our relationship even though the divorce will be final around the end of December. She says she loves me more than anyone; and that the OM meant nothing to her other than he was a fling that went haywire when she got hooked on the meth he gave her. She says she will do anything to prove her love for me and win me back.
> 
> I haven't answered her. Frankly, after the horrible things she did after I left... the group sex and trading sex for meth....
> 
> No, I'm not taking her back or giving her any opportunity to mess with my life again. I'm not even going to answer the e-mail.


She has bottomed out and she may be cleaning up. If she is completely "detoxed" she is seeing things with a clarity she hasn't used in a long time. When you have absolutely nothing, no help, no friends and no family it will make you realize what you lost.

I agree with Happy, if you think it won't damage her or YOU, tell her the truth.


----------



## BashfulB

happyman64 said:


> BB
> Respond only if you want to.
> 
> And if you do respond just tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel about her.
> 
> She needs to hear it. She is a recovering addict that has done wrong against you, her son and herself.
> 
> She knows it but needs to hear it from you.
> 
> How is your stepson doing BB?
> 
> HM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I pretty much already told her that her sexcapades with the other druggies was the final straw in a bale of straw and that I was not getting back together with her. 

I may wait a few days and send her a short e-mail confirming what I already told her. 

I love her but I have to love myself more. That is what it boils down to. 

My stepson is doing well considering the upheaval in his life. He has a steady girlfriend who he is sharing an apartment with and he is finishing up this semester of college courses. He goes and visits his mom and he tells me she is looking much better and is much more coherant now that she has detoxed and has some of her health back.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Quote of BB
> I love her but *I have to love myself more*. That is what it boils down to.


BULLSEYE BULL!!!!!!!
You are a wise man

I am glad that your EX is doing MUCH better. She sounds like she is no longer in deep depression and full of self hatred. I hope that she continues to recover; no one wins when a mother is destroyed.

As for you responding or not responding to her email my opinion would be for you to do which ever is most effective in severing your connection to her. There is way too much pain and hurt in your case for you two to get back together in any way IMO

*Remember, you have to recover also and she is real risk to you and may reduce the chances of you making a significant recovery.*


----------



## missthelove2013

Does she want you back or does she want your support back?? She said she wants to come live with you?? I know its gotta be rough as you still love her...


----------



## Nucking Futs

missthelove2013 said:


> Does she want you back or does she want your support back?? She said she wants to come live with you?? I know its gotta be rough as you still love her...


I suspect now that she's cleaned up and has all this time to think she's figured out how badly she's screwed up and is hoping to be able to get back to happier times. I doubt that money is that big a part of the support she wants from BB.

If I'm right it shows she's still thinking selfishly. She's thinking about her own needs without regard for the damage she's done to BB or his needs.


----------



## turnera

It's just what Users do. They keep a running tally in their head of the people they can Use. You're at the top of her list so, when she is wanting, she calls on you. That's all you are - a solution cos she knows you're easy.


----------



## BashfulB

turnera said:


> It's just what Users do. They keep a running tally in their head of the people they can Use. You're at the top of her list so, when she is wanting, she calls on you. That's all you are - a solution cos she knows you're easy.


I think you nailed it. Her e-mail was a bit too syrupy even for her. I got the impression she was stroking me. That is why, on more consideration, I have decided I'm no longer responding to her e-mails.


----------



## Clay2013

Ok this is just me being a jerk in my thinking. 

Email her tell her you love her and you want to make it work. Bring her out there let her move everything. Change her probation and everything. Then once she is there start cheating on her right away. Make it just enough obvious so she thinks she is going crazy then after two months kick her to the curb with a smile. 

Just kidding. I guess I get ahead of myself lol 

Clay


----------



## BashfulB

Clay2013 said:


> Ok this is just me being a jerk in my thinking.
> 
> Email her tell her you love her and you want to make it work. Bring her out there let her move everything. Change her probation and everything. Then once she is there start cheating on her right away. Make it just enough obvious so she thinks she is going crazy then after two months kick her to the curb with a smile.
> 
> Just kidding. I guess I get ahead of myself lol
> 
> Clay


Oh believe me... there is still a part of me that would like nothing more than to exact some revenge on her for what she did to me. But you know what? This woman I pledged my life and love to five years ago has destroyed herself to the point where it will take her years to get back on her feet, if she manages to stay clean long enough. 

I don't need to exact revenge on her. She has already done far worse to herself than any petty vindictiveness I could ever dream up. No, I'll stay on the high road.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> This woman I pledged my life and love to five years ago has destroyed herself to the point where it will take her years to get back on her feet, if she manages to stay clean long enough


*For those that want revenge know this. This woman will probably never recover fully*. She has lost her husband, damaged her relationship to her son, and lowered her self esteem quite a bit. The chances of her recovering 100% in all areas are slim to none and I think slim may have left the building.






> I don't need to exact revenge on her. She has already done far worse to herself than any petty vindictiveness I could ever dream up. No, I'll stay on the high road.


Another *wise decision by Bull!*

She can recover to a certain degree and then she can gain in other areas a LOT! She may have to work hard at that recovery for years, maybe even decades, but that effort will be a whole lot better for her than falling back into her very destructive way of living.

*I hope that she does that as she is a mother and can still be very valuable to her son.*


----------



## Lordhavok

Not sure how I missed this thread, but I just read all 54 pages of it today. Damn what a mess, Bull, your an example to us all. No way I could have handled all of this as well as you did. You've crawled through a river of sh*t and come out the other side ok, not unscathed, but a hell of a lot better than some of the other dudes here. Hats off to you sir, a marine, a good man with good moral code to live by. Stay on that hobby dude, and when you get up and running, let us know when your ready to sell some blades. Wish I could come up, buy you a beer and hit a fishing hole or something.


----------



## Foghorn

I agree with your decision to keep her distant. She will have to clean up her own life, her own mess, and do it without you and your support. That is punishment enough.

I am glad you are doing ok and wish you the very best. God bless.

-FH


----------



## BK23

Lordhavok said:


> Not sure how I missed this thread, but I just read all 54 pages of it today. Damn what a mess, Bull, your an example to us all. No way I could have handled all of this as well as you did. You've crawled through a river of sh*t and come out the other side ok, not unscathed, but a hell of a lot better than some of the other dudes here. Hats off to you sir, a marine, a good man with good moral code to live by. Stay on that hobby dude, and when you get up and running, let us know when your ready to sell some blades. Wish I could come up, buy you a beer and hit a fishing hole or something.


Add me to the list. Can't wait to buy a bashfulbull original!


----------



## tacoma

BashfulBull said:


> Well I did get one piece of revenge. I took our dog with me. My wife loves that dog. It's killing her that I have him. Probably over half the texts she sends me are asking how the dog is doing.
> 
> One damn thing is for sure, she will never see him again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn, I already like you.


----------



## TDSC60

I can always use a good hunting/fishing/camping knife.


----------



## missthelove2013

Clay2013 said:


> Ok this is just me being a jerk in my thinking.
> 
> Email her tell her you love her and you want to make it work. Bring her out there let her move everything. Change her probation and everything. Then once she is there start cheating on her right away. Make it just enough obvious so she thinks she is going crazy then after two months kick her to the curb with a smile.
> 
> Just kidding. I guess I get ahead of myself lol
> 
> Clay


And when she catches you, jump on her back and scratch HER face off...


----------



## doubletrouble

BB I've followed your thread from the get-go and it looks like t hings are actually going really well for you. With the loss of your parent, that's gotta be a hard emotional hit and I am sorry for you for that one. I guess the silver lining is that it's a hit that life hands all of us sooner or later; inevitable. The parts that aren't inevitable are where the WW pulls the total wagon of crap she pulled on you. 

I call those "internal" hits, as they are inside the relationship. All other hits are "external" because they aren't part of the relationship. External ones can be difficult, but the internal ones tend to take away your foundational strength. You've shown remarkable strength hand resilience in your internal battle. We've all admired that openly. 

Just make sure you're taking care of the external struggles and not let those weaken your resolve on the internal one. Not answering her email is absolutely the right thing to do, in my opinion. She's shown nothing up till this point of wanting to do the RIGHT thing, just what she thinks may be right for HER. 

There are thousands of women in your area that outrank her. Wait till one swims by. She's out of the pond.


----------



## BashfulB

missthelove2013 said:


> And when she catches you, jump on her back and scratch HER face off...


Heh heh....

No. No I won't do that. Enough violence has been perpetrated on her account.


----------



## BashfulB

doubletrouble said:


> There are thousands of women in your area that outrank her. Wait till one swims by. She's out of the pond.


I have already met and dated one woman (the little red haired gal) and she was head and shoulders above my STBXWW in so many ways. And, I have made friends with several other single ladies here who I'm sure would take me up on a date offer. 

But you know what? I'm still in love with that b!tch. I have to get over these feelings of love and feelings of wanting to save her before I can really start over fresh again. I don't have a clue how long that will take. 

As much as I hate to say it, even though I am detaching more every day, she is till the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It really sucks.


----------



## turnera

You need more things in your life to show you how much better 'stuff' out there is, and the more you do, the less you will think of her.


----------



## LongWalk

She needs to work for a living and stay clean. I doubt she will manage.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## doubletrouble

BashfulBull said:


> I have already met and dated one woman (the little red haired gal) and she was head and shoulders above my STBXWW in so many ways. And, I have made friends with several other single ladies here who I'm sure would take me up on a date offer.
> 
> But you know what? I'm still in love with that b!tch. I have to get over these feelings of love and feelings of wanting to save her before I can really start over fresh again. I don't have a clue how long that will take.
> 
> As much as I hate to say it, even though I am detaching more every day, she is till the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It really sucks.


I get that. I've been there. It fades, but sometimes it takes a long time. One took me years, and even after not seeing or hearing from her for I think 8 years, when she contacted me again, I went to see her. B1tch that she is, we went out drinking. However, we didn't do anything beyond that, not because there wasn't a biological opportunity, but because my body and heart weren't in synch.


----------



## sidney2718

BashfulBull said:


> I have already met and dated one woman (the little red haired gal) and she was head and shoulders above my STBXWW in so many ways. And, I have made friends with several other single ladies here who I'm sure would take me up on a date offer.
> 
> But you know what? I'm still in love with that b!tch. I have to get over these feelings of love and feelings of wanting to save her before I can really start over fresh again. I don't have a clue how long that will take.
> 
> As much as I hate to say it, even though I am detaching more every day, she is till the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It really sucks.


You already know that emotional detachment takes time. You will continue to think of her for a good while yet. And then, one morning when you are not expecting it, you will realize that you did not think of her at all.

Hang in there!


----------



## BashfulB

Update:

Hey all. Checking in for a little update. I recently got back together with the little Redheaded gal, and I am over at her house right now.  Could not sleep, so as she snoozes I thought I would wish you all Season's Greetings and hope you all had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

Nothing much has changed on the marriage front. Still waiting for the D to finalize, which should be around the end of the year/beginning of next. STBXWW has not e-mailed me for a couple of weeks which has allowed me to heal and move forward. Little Redheaded gal and I missed each other and got back together just last week, and I think it is going to stick this time. 

Oh, and I finished my knife. Here you go. It is cable Damascus, but I did not etch the blade correctly so it is hard to see the patterning in the steel. The handle scales are dark stained burl maple.


----------



## LongWalk

Really nice. Could you make a living from making them?


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> Really nice. Could you make a living from making them?


A second income definitely, but you would have to be putting out a knife a day basically and be very well known and sought after to make even a halfway decent living at it. I would also have to make a website and also hit the knife and gun shows to sell any in quantity. 

This one took me three weeks of after-work time to make. But cable damascus is very labor intensive. Using standard stock steel goes much much quicker. If I'm uninterupted I could probbaly turn out a hunting knife made from stock steel every two days.


----------



## harrybrown

Glad you are in a better place now.

Hope your future is much better than the past.


----------



## BashfulB

Well, I'll be damned. I went by the post office yesterday and there waiting for me was a big brown manila envelope with my divorce decree in it! 

I'm a single man now. I did not expect it to go through so quickly! Guess the judge went through and signed all his decrees before the holiday. And I guess I predict I will be receiving an e-mail soon from the EX WIFE once she gets her copy.

It is a very strange feeling. Relief, regret and a feeling of reckoning all mixed together. I thought I would be overjoyed when it came through, but I'm far from it. 

I was told the type of dissolution we filed for would go through quicker than the usual divorce, but has anyone else had a divorce go through this fast? Is this normal?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BashfulBull said:


> Well, I'll be damned. I went by the post office yesterday and there waiting for me was a big brown manila envelope with my divorce decree in it!
> 
> I'm a single man now. I did not expect it to go through so quickly! Guess the judge went through and signed all his decrees before the holiday. And I guess I predict I will be receiving an e-mail soon from the EX WIFE once she gets her copy.
> 
> It is a very strange feeling. Relief, regret and a feeling of reckoning all mixed together. I thought I would be overjoyed when it came through, but I'm far from it.
> 
> I was told the type of dissolution we filed for would go through quicker than the usual divorce, but has anyone else had a divorce go through this fast? Is this normal?



:toast:


----------



## Clay2013

My DDay was 3 or 5 days before Christmas and I booted her out. Found a Lawyer several days after Christmas and filed a week later. Divorce was final Jan 21. 

Clay


----------



## the guy

I'm guessing since your ex old lady is in the jail one doesn't have a great oppertunity to fight or make the divorce process difficult.

Maybe the judge saw this as a slam dunk with out worry or interference from your ex.

I'm thinking since your ex is in no position to fight for any assets and in the courts eye a criminal, then why worry about crossing the "t" and dotting the "i".

Hows the step son?


----------



## doubletrouble

It is normal for you to have these mixed feelings. But whenever you second guess yourself, go read your first few pages (not that I need to remind you). It's a real dilemma in the brain/heart connection. 

The brain knows it, the heart doesn't want to believe it, but there it is.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> Well, I'll be damned. I went by the post office yesterday and there waiting for me was a big brown manila envelope with my divorce decree in it!
> 
> I'm a single man now. I did not expect it to go through so quickly! Guess the judge went through and signed all his decrees before the holiday. And I guess I predict I will be receiving an e-mail soon from the EX WIFE once she gets her copy.
> 
> It is a very strange feeling. Relief, regret and a feeling of reckoning all mixed together. I thought I would be overjoyed when it came through, but I'm far from it.
> 
> I was told the type of dissolution we filed for would go through quicker than the usual divorce, but has anyone else had a divorce go through this fast? Is this normal?


Yes this is normal. You love/loved your wife BB.

I am sure she loved you. But she lost herself in drugs and sexual abuse.

And left you with no good choices BB.

I hope you still enjoy the holidays and that you and your stepson heal from this lousy event.

More so I pray that your exwife gets the help she needs and becomes a better person as well as mother in the future.

HM


----------



## Clay2013

Bashful if we don't hear from you again until after Christmas. 

Merry Christmas 


Glad to hear you are doing well and having a great day. 

Clay


----------



## Foghorn

Glad it's final. And I wish you all the best for the future. 2014 will be a great year. 

Congrats on your freedom.


----------



## missthelove2013

Have a GREAt Holiday, BB...ive followed your story and I am glad you are moving onward and upward...and another congrats on the little read head...I LOVE red heads...


----------



## harrybrown

Glad you got the divorce.

So in 2013, do you get to file single since the divorce is final by december 31 or do you get to file as head of household?


----------



## thummper

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel sorry for your X. As a retired teacher, I've seen a lot of people, admittedly young people, who have lost their way. It's heartbreaking for me to watch someone lose everything. I wish both of you the best, you in your new life and her in hers. I think hers will be harder for her to bear. Damn these drugs that have turned good people into desperate addicts! I think if it weren't for her dependence on the drugs, she NEVER would have betrayed you! Her desperation really showed itself when she jumped on you physically to protect her drug source.  Once she gets out of the drug haze, she'll spend the rest of her life in regret over losing you.


----------



## BashfulB

harrybrown said:


> Glad you got the divorce.
> 
> So in 2013, do you get to file single since the divorce is final by december 31 or do you get to file as head of household?


According to the Divorce agreement we will file separately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

My stepson is doing well. He is working two jobs and taking some college courses. I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks. Tried calling him to let him know I am no longer legally his step-dad but no answer. I'm not looking forwards to this conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just got it 55

BB so happy this event is behind you

I think you are the type of man that will always be a loving positive influence in your stepsons life.

He's a lucky young man

55


----------



## badcompany

BashfulBull said:


> Update:
> I recently got back together with the little Redheaded gal, and I am over at her house right now. Little Redheaded gal and I missed each other and got back together just last week, and I think it is going to stick this time.


:smthumbup:


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> My stepson is doing well. He is working two jobs and taking some college courses. I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks. Tried calling him to let him know *I am no longer legally his step-dad* but no answer. I'm not looking forwards to this conversation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not going to matter. You're still the same to him as he is still the same to you.

Two jobs and college courses... I'm not surprised you haven't heard from him yet.

As far as your D. I'm sorry that all this has happened to you. I'm also relieved that it's over.

You're a good man and like my Ma use to tell me "Good things happen to good people".

The tides are turning, the winds are changing. So ready your sails.


----------



## BashfulB

thummper said:


> I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel sorry for your X. As a retired teacher, I've seen a lot of people, admittedly young people, who have lost their way. It's heartbreaking for me to watch someone lose everything. I wish both of you the best, you in your new life and her in hers. I think hers will be harder for her to bear. Damn these drugs that have turned good people into desperate addicts! I think if it weren't for her dependence on the drugs, she NEVER would have betrayed you! Her desperation really showed itself when she jumped on you physically to protect her drug source.  Once she gets out of the drug haze, she'll spend the rest of her life in regret over losing you.


The greatest mystery to me is why she went back to using, after all she had been through with her xH. I sometimes wonder if she knew the OM was a user and deliberately hooked up with him as a way to access the drugs. I think that more and more. Because he had nothing on me in terms of looks or strength. 

Everything she was, everything she made herself out to be to me, seems all a lie from the very beginning. Maybe she was always an addict and I would not let myself see the truth.


----------



## happyman64

BB

You will always be his StepDad. Divorce is between you and his mother.

And an addict and alcoholic will always be addicts and alcoholics.

Some learn to control their abuse and no longer drink or use drugs.

But the pull is always there. That is why they are addicts for life.

Hopefully she will learn to control her demons.

Not your fault BB. You cannot control her. Only love her like you did.

HM


----------



## Acabado

happyman64 nailed it.
Word for word.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I agree H64, you don't stop being a dad after divorce whether you are biological, adopted, or a step. The only person that makes that choice is you. 

I know a few step-dads, who are divorced, who are still considered "dad" by the kids even if the ex is remarried.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> The greatest mystery to me is why she went back to using, after all she had been through with her xH.


Some people have damaged themselves and/or been damaged for most of their life and they are just so very weak. I hope that she accepts the right kind of help and gets better. Has nothing to do with you and you will never be able to completely figured it out.


----------



## Decorum

Glad things have moved along for you BB, have a Merry Christmas.

Remember life is bitter sweet so our holidays will be too. 

Just remember to put the bitters in the Manhattan's and the Sweet in the fudge. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VFW

Congrats on the divorce, but go easy on the SS, he is still young enough to need male role models. Just remember, if you had never met her, you would never have gotten to know him. Hope that you have a very Merry Christmas.


----------



## BashfulB

Well I spoke with my Stepson yesterday. Turns out he dropped his cell phone in the toilet and had to wait until he got paid to get a new one. LOL! 

He's okay with the divorce and actually congratulated me. We reaffirmed our father-son relationship and I feel greatly relieved. 

What can I say?. I fell in love with that skinny, nerdy boy the first day I ever spent with him. He, myself and his mom all went to a county fair and we had a blast. I really enjoy that memory of my ex, at a time when she and I were happy and in love; before the demons came back to claim her. 

Anyway my SS and his girlfriend are coming to see me this coming February. I bought him an out of state hunting license and we are going to do some duck hunting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> Well I spoke with my Stepson yesterday. Turns out he dropped his cell phone in the toilet and had to wait until he got paid to get a new one. LOL!
> 
> He's okay with the divorce and actually congratulated me. We reaffirmed our father-son relationship and I feel greatly relieved.
> 
> What can I say?. I fell in love with that skinny, nerdy boy the first day I ever spent with him. He, myself and his mom all went to a county fair and we had a blast. I really enjoy that memory of my ex, at a time when she and I were happy and in love; before the demons came back to claim her.
> 
> Anyway my SS and his girlfriend are coming to see me this coming February. I bought him an out of state hunting license and we are going to do some duck hunting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you BB.

Have a great Christmas. Do not celebrate it alone.

And I cannot wait to hear about the duck hunt in February.

HM


----------



## BashfulB

I got an e-mail on Christmas Eve from my ex asking me to call her at the jail because she wanted to talk to me. I had not gotten an e-mail from her in well over a month so I was intrigued. 

Some of you will chastise me but I went ahead and called her Christmas morning and we had a rather long talk. She of course was lonely and depressed being in custody during Christmas. She cried alot but not once did she discuss us or possible R. She did get the divorce decree and she said that she cried for a whole day when it arrived. 

She just apologized repeatedly for messing our lives up and asked me repeatedly not to hate her. 

I told her I didn't hate her, but I did hate her drug addiction and I hated the way she debased herself and defiled her body just to support her habit. I told her I hoped she would take advantage of her time in jail and the upcoming treatment center she was supposed to go to afterwards. I told her I wanted her to get clean and move on and live a productive life...but that I could no longer be a part of that. 

No arguing, no acrimony, just alot of sadness. I think she felt better after the talk and I was actually glad to give her that gift. Call me a schmuck but I actually do feel sorry for her. 

Then after that I went over to my girlfriend's house and she made me a big plate of honeybaked ham, yams, green bean casserole and salad. Mmmmmm... Then she took me into the bedroom for dessert.


----------



## harrybrown

Glad that you had a nice meal. 


You can be nice to your ex, but do stay out of her life. She will never get over the addiction to the drugs and the cheating.


----------



## thummper

I don't call you a "schmuk" BB...I call you "compassionate." That's as good a gift as you could have given this Christmas. You're a damn good man.


----------



## BashfulB

Well thank you Thummper. 

I don't know if I'm a damn good man. Believe me I have alot of faults. I wasn't always the perfect husband to my ex, and I'm now working on issues that I have had for a long time so that, incase I ever get married again, I won't repeat the same mistakes.

As for my ex, I seriously do not hate the woman although I have every right to. She's way down right now, and kicking her now would be the ultimate cruelty. I don't want to see her suffer, even though I know she brought this suffering on herself.


----------



## Clay2013

When someone is falling you cant catch them. Even if they are hurting you while they are falling you still cant save them. You can trying but in the end you wont succeed. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad for them. Your relationship was ended abruptly and its not like you had the time to prepare like they did. 

Its best to hope good things for them and just focus on dealing on making you a healthy person. 

Clay


----------



## happyman64

I think that was the nicest Christmas gift you could have given your Ex.

Proud of you BB.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> I told her I didn't hate her, but I did hate her drug addiction and I hated the way she debased herself and defiled her body just to support her habit. I told her I hoped she would take advantage of her time in jail and the upcoming treatment center she was supposed to go to afterwards. I told her I wanted her to get clean and move on and live a productive life...but that I could no longer be a part of that.


*All of what you told her above was a great gift and the truth*. I sure hope that she has or gets the strength to build herself back up. However, *getting that help and pursuing a path to get better is mostly up to her*. She needs to realize that you are not the one that is able to fix her.

BB, it is telling that she called you. It is apparent that she is looking to you to help her but she is missing the main actions that will help her the most. *She needs to get busy with the help that is available to her right now and stop crying about her having to pay for her wrongs and crying about the divorce*. Those things are now in the past and cannot be changed. I know that it sounds hard but crying emotions are not going to get her much in the way of getting better.

There are ways for her to get a lot better and the most important part is for her to diligently pursue that path. The ways to get better are not a big secret; *it is the DOING IT part that needs the most attention.* I really hope that she takes the right actions; nobody wins if she falls back into her old habits. She is a person and a mother and I get no joy out of seeing a person defeated.

BB you keep getting better and if she will get better then all will gain and especially her son.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> *All of what you told her above was a great gift and the truth*. I sure hope that she has or gets the strength to build herself back up. However, *getting that help and pursuing a path to get better is mostly up to her*. She needs to realize that you are not the one that is able to fix her.
> 
> BB, it is telling that she called you. It is apparent that she is looking to you to help her but she is missing the main actions that will help her the most. *She needs to get busy with the help that is available to her right now and stop crying about her having to pay for her wrongs and crying about the divorce*. Those things are now in the past and cannot be changed. I know that it sounds hard but crying emotions are not going to get her much in the way of getting better.
> 
> There are ways for her to get a lot better and the most important part is for her to diligently pursue that path. The ways to get better are not a big secret; *it is the DOING IT part that needs the most attention.* I really hope that she takes the right actions; nobody wins if she falls back into her old habits. She is a person and a mother and I get no joy out of seeing a person defeated.
> 
> BB you keep getting better and if she will get better then all will gain and especially her son.


I told her all this in a nutshell. She accepts that she is the one who has to save herself. No one else can.

I told her that I don't mind occasionally talking to her either by phone or e-mail, but not to expect a steady stream of it. I straight up told her that, for right now and the forseeable future, I have no intentions of being her "friend", in the sense that she can call or text me anytime she wants and go over the daily status of her life. 

Maybe one day, a ways down the road, she and I can come to a parity and forge some kind of friendship. She has alot of worthy traits that would make her a good friend, but for now she is too broken and too risky. 

I also was straight up with her and told her that I was seeing someone and that I had moved on to a new relationship. She started crying and went silent, but surprisingly she didn't lash out at me. It was awkward, and soon the fifteen minutes was up and she had to pass the phone to another inmate. 

Don't know if we will ever talk on the phone again. She has not e-mailed me since, so I imagine she's ruminating over the conversation and the knowledge that she has been replaced with a much better woman.


----------



## just got it 55

BB: So amazing that such wisdom, compassion and kindness come from a “mere” truck driver.

Don’t ever think this of yourself. You my brother are as good as they come in the human being department.

I also am damn proud of you

I wish you a good life and true happiness for as long as you live

55


----------



## Mr Blunt

BB, I echo what 55 said



> By BB
> She has a lot of worthy traits that would make her a good friend, but for now she is too broken and too risky


Your statement above is compassion and wisdom. I am sure she has some worthy traits but right now, as you have stated, she is broken. However, she can get unbroken in some areas and have a good life.




> By BB
> I also was straight up with her and told her that I was seeing someone and that I had moved on to a new relationship. She started crying and went silent, but surprisingly she didn't lash out at me


There is your honesty and kindness. Yes kindness because your kind truth will lean her to the realization that she has to rely on herself for the problems that she is facing. Life and reality has humbled her and now if she takes the initiative to utilize the help that she has available and follow through she will get a lot better.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> There is your honesty and kindness. Yes kindness because your kind truth will lean her *to the realization that she has to rely on herself for the problems that she is facing.* Life and reality has humbled her and now if she takes the initiative to utilize the help that she has available and follow through she will get a lot better.




Thanks Blunt.

I just hope she comes to this realization before the meth use kills her.

My biggest fear is one day getting that call from my stepson telling me they found her corpse on the rancid floor of a trailer. It would destroy me.


----------



## BashfulB

I thought I would update you all one positive bit of news: 

My girlfriend and I are moving into a house together here in town. I will have internet access full time so I can bother you people daily now.


----------



## Clay2013

That is good news.  

Clay


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> I thought I would update you all one positive bit of news:
> 
> My girlfriend and I are moving into a house together here in town. I will have internet access full time so I can bother you people daily now.


:smthumbup::smthumbup::lol:


----------



## Nucking Futs

BashfulBull said:


> I thought I would update you all one positive bit of news:
> 
> My girlfriend and I are moving into a house together here in town. I will have internet access full time so I can bother you people daily now.


But...but...what about your forge? You're not going to go back to just burning yourself on a stove, are you? Burning yourself on a forge is much cooler. Or hotter. Whatever. 

Oh, and btw, :smthumbup:.


----------



## happy as a clam

That's great news BB! So glad things are moving in a happy direction for you.

Out of curiosity, just wondering if you think you will miss your trailer on the little ranch. It sounded like the perfect, serene spot. Or do you feel that was a space you needed just for a season of your life, somewhere with privacy to heal?


----------



## BashfulB

Nucking Futs said:


> But...but...what about your forge? You're not going to go back to just burning yourself on a stove, are you? Burning yourself on a forge is much cooler. Or hotter. Whatever.
> 
> Oh, and btw, :smthumbup:.


There is a small workshop at the rear of the house we are renting and I may build myself a little lean-to on the side to put my smithy under. I have not forged any knives lately because the weather is just too damn cold. I do all my knife making in the summer and fall when the weather permits.


----------



## BashfulB

happy as a clam said:


> That's great news BB! So glad things are moving in a happy direction for you.
> 
> Out of curiosity, just wondering if you think you will miss your trailer on the little ranch. It sounded like the perfect, serene spot. Or do you feel that was a space you needed just for a season of your life, somewhere with privacy to heal?


I am going to miss it. It has been a haven and safe place for me to heal and move on with my life. 

My boss is actually putting the ranch up for sale. His wife recently had a stroke and is very frail. They are both in their 80s and they are planning on moving into an assisted living facility together once he finishes turning the company completely over to his son. 

I will be helping him get the ranch ready to sell. Meanwhile he is letting me use his nice flatbed trailer to move all my girlfriend's furniture out of her house into the new one we're renting.


----------



## verpin zal

BB, let's laugh some, shall we boyo?

In your whole ordeal, as a bonus to your well living for us TAM folks, you seem to have found the hidden "mega-like" button:










Ahaha what the hell?


----------



## sammy3

thummper said:


> I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but feel sorry for your X. As a retired teacher, I've seen a lot of people, admittedly young people, who have lost their way. It's heartbreaking for me to watch someone lose everything. I wish both of you the best, you in your new life and her in hers. I think hers will be harder for her to bear. Damn these drugs that have turned good people into desperate addicts! I think if it weren't for her dependence on the drugs, she NEVER would have betrayed you! Her desperation really showed itself when she jumped on you physically to protect her drug source.  Once she gets out of the drug haze, she'll spend the rest of her life in regret over losing you.


I too, read your thread, and agree w thummper. It all made me so sad. I felt so sad for your wife too. Her up-bring was so sad as a child. She was behind the eight ball from the get go. I wondered while reading, what her inner soul must have been like as a child crying out for help. 
What she did, and how she behaved was wrong yes, but we really are a product of our environment, a learned process in so many ways. She might have just grown so numb in pain she only knew how to hurt herself, in order to feel anything. I feel sad for her, as she is broken, she's been broken since day one. But it really is up to our own selves to make it work. Sometimes we just don't realize it until it's to late. Imho.

~ sammy


----------



## BashfulB

UPDATE

Well I just heard from my stepson. About two hours after my ex-wife was transported from jail to her treatment facility/halfway house she jumped into a car with someone and took off.

Now they have issued a warrant for her for running away and breaking her probation. 

Her madness never ends.


----------



## 3putt

BashfulBull said:


> UPDATE
> 
> Well I just heard from my stepson. About two hours after my ex-wife was transported from jail to her treatment facility/halfway house she jumped into a car with someone and took off.
> 
> Now they have issued a warrant for her for running away and breaking her probation.
> 
> Her madness never ends.


You've got to be kidding me. You had it right a while ago. This woman will be dead soon....or at the very least locked up for a much longer period of time.

Sorry to hear this update. I was hoping at least some good could come out of all this.


----------



## LongWalk

Terrible. Like my mom's black lab. Always running off.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> UPDATE
> 
> Well I just heard from my stepson. About two hours after my ex-wife was transported from jail to her treatment facility/halfway house she jumped into a car with someone and took off.
> 
> Now they have issued a warrant for her for running away and breaking her probation.
> 
> Her madness never ends.


Sad, but not surprising. This is all too common with meth users. She's probably *tweaking* right now. Since she has no money, god only knows what she's doing to earn her fix.


----------



## F-102

Some people just can't be helped.


----------



## po'drunk

BB, watch your six.


----------



## syhoybenden

Keep your doors locked and your guard up.


----------



## brokeneric

BashfulBull said:


> UPDATE
> 
> Well I just heard from my stepson. About two hours after my ex-wife was transported from jail to her treatment facility/halfway house she jumped into a car with someone and took off.
> 
> Now they have issued a warrant for her for running away and breaking her probation.
> 
> Her madness never ends.


And I thought my wife was bad.


----------



## BashfulB

syhoybenden said:


> Keep your doors locked and your guard up.


Thanks. 

I'm two states away. She has no idea where I am.


----------



## BashfulB

lordmayhem said:


> Sad, but not surprising. This is all too common with meth users. She's probably *tweaking* right now. Since she has no money, god only knows what she's doing to earn her fix.


God and all of us know. I'm trying not to think about it. Makes me physically sick. If I didn't have my girlfriend's love and support I'd be a basket case right now. 

They'll catch her. She's not that wiley. And they will send her to prison.


----------



## Clay2013

I am sorry to hear that. Its good she does not know where you are at but I am sure it still sucks to hear shes going off the rails again. 

Clay


----------



## bfree

BashfulBull said:


> God and all of us know. I'm trying not to think about it. Makes me physically sick. If I didn't have my girlfriend's love and support I'd be a basket case right now.
> 
> They'll catch her. She's not that wiley. And they will send her to prison.


Just goes to show that you were the only one keeping her together. But it couldn't last. Eventually she was going to crash. So sad.


----------



## BashfulB

My stepson and I have talked about him relocating to my town. I asked him to last year but he didn't want to because he had a girlfriend he didn't want to leave. 

Well, the little slvt cheated on him and he dumped her, so now his mind is clearer and he sees that staying where he is is not the best plan. He's torn apart about his mom, and I told him I could get him a job and a place to live here. There is also a good HVAC tech school nearby where he could go and get his AC certification. 

I hope he takes me up on my offer. He needs to get away from that whole situation. I don't want the cops calling him in the middle of the night to come and identify his mom's corpse.


----------



## azteca1986

You're a good man BB. I hope your step-son takes you up on your offer.


----------



## Sol

Know that many people are sending good thoughts your way, Bull. Stay true.


----------



## BashfulB

Well they caught her.

Ex just called my stepson from jail (first time she has talked to him in weeks) asking him to go pick up her belongings from the dive she was hiding out in. He told her to f_ck off basically. Poor kid. He's a wreck. 

I got to get him out here and away from all that.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> Well they caught her.
> 
> Ex just called my stepson from jail (first time she has talked to him in weeks) asking him to go pick up her belongings from the dive she was hiding out in. He told her to f_ck off basically. Poor kid. He's a wreck.
> 
> I got to get him out here and away from all that.


I think your stepson could use all the support you can give him right now BB....


----------



## lordmayhem

Needless to say, her probation is now revoked. She had her chance and now she'll have to serve to full sentence. She could have gotten leniency if she had just turned herself in immediately afterwards, but since they had to go and get her, that's out the window. Judges don't like that. There's nothing her public defender can do now. 

Her son can go to the place and retrieve certain papers if she has any, like her birth certificate or things like that, if he wants to. But at the very least, he should bring someone with him and maybe a VAR to protect himself. Or, he can have the police escort him into the apartment to retrieve the property, and they can do so, if the call load isnt too heavy.


----------



## bfree

lordmayhem said:


> Needless to say, her probation is now revoked. She had her chance and now she'll have to serve to full sentence. She could have gotten leniency if she had just turned herself in immediately afterwards, but since they had to go and get her, that's out the window. Judges don't like that. There's nothing her public defender can do now.
> 
> Her son can go to the place and retrieve certain papers if she has any, like her birth certificate or things like that, if he wants to. But at the very least, he should bring someone with him and maybe a VAR to protect himself. Or, he can have the police escort him into the apartment to retrieve the property, and they can do so, if the call load isnt too heavy.


Dealing with his mother is already a heavy enough load. I don't blame him for saying enough is enough.


----------



## EI

BashfulBull said:


> Well they caught her.
> 
> Ex just called my stepson from jail (first time she has talked to him in weeks) asking him to go pick up her belongings from the dive she was hiding out in. He told her to f_ck off basically. Poor kid. He's a wreck.
> 
> I got to get him out here and away from all that.


This story is so very heartbreaking. The kindness and compassion that you have demonstrated towards your stepson is a testament to your character. He seems to be a fairly grounded young man considering that he was dealt such a lousy hand in the biological parent department. If you choose to remain on as a father figure in his life, it may very well be an incredibly rewarding relationship for both of you in the years to come. 

Since he is legally an adult, now, you would be able to have a relationship with him that is unfettered by any legal or moral obligations towards his mother. You owe her nothing.

I wish you and your stepson the best of all things in the years to come.


----------



## warlock07

What was she thinkig?

Can people actually get away like that? How the hell did she arrange the drive?


----------



## adriana

BashfulBull said:


> Well they caught her.
> 
> Ex just called my stepson from jail (first time she has talked to him in weeks) asking him to go pick up her belongings from the dive she was hiding out in. He told her to f_ck off basically. Poor kid. He's a wreck.
> 
> *I got to get him out here and away from all that.*



You're a true class act, BashfulBull. No need to say more!


----------



## F-102

warlock07 said:


> What was she thinkig?
> 
> Can people actually get away like that? How the hell did she arrange the drive?


She WASN'T thinking...that's the problem. The drugs were thinking for her.


----------



## BashfulB

lordmayhem said:


> Needless to say, her probation is now revoked. She had her chance and now she'll have to serve to full sentence. She could have gotten leniency if she had just turned herself in immediately afterwards, but since they had to go and get her, that's out the window. Judges don't like that. There's nothing her public defender can do now.
> 
> Her son can go to the place and retrieve certain papers if she has any, like her birth certificate or things like that, if he wants to. But at the very least, he should bring someone with him and maybe a VAR to protect himself. Or, he can have the police escort him into the apartment to retrieve the property, and they can do so, if the call load isnt too heavy.


She has to be the stupidest person I know on this planet. I'm so disappointed and ashamed and pissed at her. 

I told my s-son not to go anywhere near that place. 

I'm also a little bit pissed at him as well. He got back together with his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him a few weeks back. I gave him the best advice I could, but I'm not going to impose myself on his life. He's going to have to learn the hard way.


----------



## BashfulB

EI said:


> This story is so very heartbreaking. The kindness and compassion that you have demonstrated towards your stepson is a testament to your character. He seems to be a fairly grounded young man considering that he was dealt such a lousy hand in the biological parent department. If you choose to remain on as a father figure in his life, it may very well be an incredibly rewarding relationship for both of you in the years to come.
> 
> Since he is legally an adult, now, you would be able to have a relationship with him that is unfettered by any legal or moral obligations towards his mother. You owe her nothing.
> 
> I wish you and your stepson the best of all things in the years to come.


E1 if I can just steer him towards getting rid of that toxic girlfriend I will feel like I served my purpose in his life. I don't want to see him go down the same road I did.


----------



## BashfulB

warlock07 said:


> What was she thinkig?
> 
> Can people actually get away like that? How the hell did she arrange the drive?


I'm sure she arranged to have one of her druggie friends pick her up from the halfway house. It's not a jail, and they won't forcefully keep people there against their will. In her case she had to complete the program as part of her probation, so the day she left her P.O. filed a warrant for her.


----------



## BashfulB

adriana said:


> You're a true class act, BashfulBull. No need to say more!


Well, I'm really just a poor simple working guy. But thank you.


----------



## EI

BashfulBull said:


> E1 if I can just steer him towards getting rid of that toxic girlfriend I will feel like I served my purpose in his life. I don't want to see him go down the same road I did.


Well, you could steer him towards TAM. Let him read a few stories in CWI. That might turn him away from all women for a while....... hopefully, just not for the rest of his life. 

How old are he and his girlfriend?


----------



## tom67

EI said:


> Well, you could steer him towards TAM. Let him read a few stories in CWI. That might turn him away from all women for a while....... hopefully, just not for the rest of his life.
> 
> How old are he and his girlfriend?


I would just suggest this.
After what happened to you I'm surprised he took her back.
Maybe he has to learn the hard way.
Just be there for him.


----------



## the guy

From one working stiff to another. The boy has to take his own path. Guys like us have to wait until we are needed.

Hell when I was his age no one could tell me sh!t..... I had to ask for help from guys that I respected.

So as phucked as it is the kid will have to take his licks and count on you to help him out when the damage is already done.

Or

You can force your will on this kid and push him away!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

the guy said:


> From one working stiff to another. The boy has to take his own path. Guys like us have to wait until we are needed.
> 
> Hell when I was his age no one could tell me sh!t..... I had to ask for help from guys that I respected.
> 
> So as phucked as it is the kid will have to take his licks and count on you to help him out when the damage is already done.
> 
> Or
> 
> You can force your will on this kid and push him away!!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey I was young and stoopid


----------



## the guy

At 47,sometimes I still think I'm young and stupid.

Im smart enough to ask for help when sh!t it the fan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

The boy should have joined the service way back when. But BB and no one else could have told him different cuz the virgina was in his way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

That's the funny thing about love.....you can be 47 and still phuck up when it comes to love!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## syhoybenden

BashfulBull said:


> I'm also a little bit pissed at him as well. He got back together with his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him a few weeks back. I gave him the best advice I could, but I'm not going to impose myself on his life. He's going to have to learn the hard way.



Sounds like he's going to be attending a few semesters at the School of Hard Knocks.


----------



## Jasel

syhoybenden said:


> Sounds like he's going to be attending a few semesters at the School of Hard Knocks.


I think he has several semesters under his belt already.


----------



## syhoybenden

Jasel said:


> I think he has several semesters under his belt already.


Well, if it's any consolation ... if he's got the stuff he CAN eventually graduate.


----------



## Nucking Futs

You could just casually mention how much his GF reminds you of his mother. Throw in something about how you always thought that was just a cliché but apparently not. Might get him thinking. But probably not. He'll likely keep touching the stove until he gets burned bad enough to stop.


----------



## arbitrator

*Check and see what the residency requirement is for your state you're now in, and if you meet that legal criteria, then you can certainly file for divorce in that state. But if, for some reason, that residency requirement is shorter in your original state of domicile, then, by all means, file in that state.

Get yourself a good lawyer and go for the jugular! It shouldn't cost that much unless you're either in a community property state or have child custody issues!*


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By EI*
> Well, you could steer him towards TAM. Let him read a few stories in CWI. That might turn him away from all women for a while....... hopefully, just not for the rest of his life.
> 
> How old are he and his girlfriend?
> 
> 
> 
> *By The Guy*
> From one working stiff to another. The boy has to take his own path. Guys like us have to wait until we are needed.
> 
> Hell when I was his age no one could tell me sh!t..... I had to ask for help from guys that I respected.
> 
> So as phucked as it is the kid will have to take his licks and count on you to help him out when the damage is already done.



It is true that a person has to take their own path in many areas and some you cannot tell anything (Sh!t)

*On the other hand the boy may get to the point that his emotions are not the only thing steering him in life.* If that becomes the case then all the education that he gets will be valuable. Reading TAM can be very beneficial as it lays out raw realities. Of course you have to weed out some of the posts that are just filled with hate and revenge.

There are some success stories on Tam in both R and D situations. *The boy may find that people that are in their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc that are successful may have something to offer in the relationship department that would be very beneficial to him.* Sooner or later many people find out that advice from good older people that have been a success can be very beneficial. There is a reason that the law prohibits people under 35 from being president. Very few if any people that I have met in their 20s have much wisdom. Young people can have a lot to offer but wisdom is not their main strength.


Actually I would like to see making something like TAM a requirement for high school students. *We make certain subjects mandatory in high school so why not a subject that gives you real life experiences in such an important area as relationships?*It is great to study math, science, history, etc. but none of those will be much good when you have major crises in relationships.



BashfulBull. 
Be patient and ready because it is entirely possible that the boy will come to you some day for strength and guidance. *He has no one else and you are a good man with experience in the good, the bad, and the ugly!*


----------



## turnera

You also may want to consider writing him letters. I know that sounds hokey nowadays, but trust me, maybe BECAUSE it's now so rare, getting letters from you covering how you feel about him, how you would handle his situation, what you wish you could see him do...it could be very powerful in helping him make the right decisions.


----------



## F-102

Just to satisfy my morbid curiosity, BB, how was she caught? Did they track her down, or was she busted yet again?


----------



## BashfulB

Nucking Futs said:


> You could just casually mention how much his GF reminds you of his mother. Throw in something about how you always thought that was just a cliché but apparently not. Might get him thinking. But probably not. He'll likely keep touching the stove until he gets burned bad enough to stop.


I have done this several times. I have never liked his girlfriend. They have been going out for two years and during that whole time she has treated him like crap: always talking down to him and recently cheating on him with another guy. 

I asked him the last time I talked to him why he would ever accept such abuse. He is a very nice kid, good looking, buff and in shape. I personally know of at least three female friends of his who would gladly have his babies, and they are so much better looking, smarter and accomplished than this POS he is dating. 

I told him I just don't get what he sees in her. She is not attractive at all, she is ignorant, says ignorant things, has zero sense of humor, is both physically and intellectualy lazy, and is a proven cheat. I just don't get it.


----------



## BashfulB

F-102 said:


> Just to satisfy my morbid curiosity, BB, how was she caught? Did they track her down, or was she busted yet again?


A fellow probationer ratted her out and told the PO where to find her.


----------



## BashfulB

turnera said:


> You also may want to consider writing him letters. I know that sounds hokey nowadays, but trust me, maybe BECAUSE it's now so rare, getting letters from you covering how you feel about him, how you would handle his situation, what you wish you could see him do...it could be very powerful in helping him make the right decisions.


That's a good idea. 

At the same time though, I don't want to push him.


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> She has to be the stupidest person I know on this planet. I'm so disappointed and ashamed and pissed at her.
> 
> I told my s-son not to go anywhere near that place.
> 
> I'm also a little bit pissed at him as well. He got back together with his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him a few weeks back. I gave him the best advice I could, but I'm not going to impose myself on his life. He's going to have to learn the hard way.


What? He went back in for MORE?


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> I have done this several times. I have never liked his girlfriend. They have been going out for two years and during that whole time she has treated him like crap: always talking down to him and recently cheating on him with another guy.
> 
> I asked him the last time I talked to him why he would ever accept such abuse. He is a very nice kid, good looking, buff and in shape. I personally know of at least three female friends of his who would gladly have his babies, and they are so much better looking, smarter and accomplished than this POS he is dating.
> 
> I told him I just don't get what he sees in her. She is not attractive at all, she is ignorant, says ignorant things, has zero sense of humor, is both physically and intellectualy lazy, and is a proven cheat. I just don't get it.


He's stuck on stupid. Something about her stench pulls him in.

I know about the ones who talk down to you, literally bleeding his time and stealing life from him. And then to cheat with him ontop of it. What the hell is he going back in there for?

He could find a much better babe, who is attractive, treats him like GOLD and he doesn't have to put up with bs or abuse, what is in this kids head?

He probably won't get off the mean cheater until she really dogs him down till there's nothing left and perhaps puts him in harms way. I hope he leaves those kind alone for good after that.


----------



## BashfulB

treyvion said:


> What? He went back in for MORE?


Yeah. He just moved back in with her. Dumb kid.


----------



## tom67

BashfulBull said:


> Yeah. He just moved back in with her. Dumb kid.


Sigh...
Live and learn.


----------



## turnera

BashfulBull said:


> That's a good idea.
> 
> At the same time though, I don't want to push him.


Tell him that you recently saw an article about some guy who wrote to his son, and it made you wish you had thought to do it sooner, something like that, and you just thought you'd enjoy sharing yourself with him that way. Tell him he's free to throw them out (he won't), but it's good for you.


----------



## Lordhavok

Damn bull, what a mess, I think I would just wash my hands of the whole stinking mess and never look back. I understand about the stepson, but hell dude, theres only so much you can do, he has to come into his own way himself.


----------



## BashfulB

Update for those interested: 

My ex wife's probation is most likely being revoked. She's headed for hard time in the state pen. 

On a happy note, my girlfriend and I got engaged last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BashfulBull said:


> *On a happy note, my girlfriend and I got engaged last night.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG YAY!!! Congrats!!


----------



## Clay2013

Sounds like great news all the way around. 


Good for you. Congrats 


Clay


----------



## bandit.45

That's fantastic Bull! Good going!. I hope you can finally find some peace in your life after all you have been through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tainted

Congratulations. 

When's the bachelor party :FIREdevil::FIREdevil:


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> Update for those interested:
> 
> My ex wife's probation is most likely being revoked. She's headed for hard time in the state pen.
> 
> On a happy note, my girlfriend and I got engaged last night.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CONGRATS!!!

That's awesome!


----------



## tdwal

Hey I think its great news, but don't rush things. Make sure this is real and not rebound. Your talking hopefully about being with this person for the rest of your life you don't want to make a mistake. Congratulations.


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you all for the well wishes. 

It was she who asked me to marry her. Right now we are in a great place together. We have a quiet, peaceful, undemanding relationship and I like it. Our personalities compliment each other. 

We are not rushing to get married. She wants to spend a year or so living together and really getting to know each other in and out. So far I like what I'm seeing. 

My GF is a mother of grown kids and has had her own share of heartbreaks and disappoinments. She knows everything about my ex-wife and I, she knows some of the crazy and disasterous choices I have made in the past, and yet she does not judge me.


----------



## F-102

Say, BB, are you going to do something cold, like send your XW an engagement announcement, or worse, an invitation to the wedding, and on the bottom write: "Oh, wait a minute, I forgot...you're locked up and you can't come!"

I know, it's cold, but thought I'd share some "black humor" today!


----------



## BashfulB

F-102 said:


> Say, BB, are you going to do something cold, like send your XW an engagement announcement, or worse, an invitation to the wedding, and on the bottom write: "Oh, wait a minute, I forgot...you're locked up and you can't come!"
> 
> I know, it's cold, but thought I'd share some "black humor" today!


You know F-102, I have had thoughts of doing something spiteful, but then I think no. My ex has hurt herself far worse than I ever could have or could ever think of doing. I have moved on from her, to the point where I don't think much about her at all. 

I have a beautiful fience who cares about herself and has self respect. She loves me, takes care of me and isn't afraid to stand up to me when I'm acting like a doofus. We get along splendidly. I plan to live a happy meaningful life with her. 

As for my ex, my hope is that she gets out of prison and finds a way to stay clean, and that she gets to a place where she is safe and secure. I don't think she will ever be a happy person, but my hope is she will come to a place of peace. I don't really wish any ill-will on her. I don't want to carry any anger forward in my life. Life is too short.


----------



## happyman64

BashfulBull said:


> You know F-102, I have had thoughts of doing something spiteful, but then I think no. My ex has hurt herself far worse than I ever could have or could ever think of doing. I have moved on from her, to the point where I don't think much about her at all.
> 
> I have a beautiful fience who cares about herself and has self respect. She loves me, takes care of me and isn't afraid to stand up to me when I'm acting like a doofus. We get along splendidly. I plan to live a happy meaningful life with her.
> 
> As for my ex, my hope is that she gets out of prison and finds a way to stay clean, and that she gets to a place where she is safe and secure. I don't think she will ever be a happy person, but my hope is she will come to a place of peace. I don't really wish any ill-will on her. I don't want to carry any anger forward in my life. Life is too short.


Wise words BB. Continue to work on your happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EI

BashfulBull said:


> You know F-102, I have had thoughts of doing something spiteful, but then I think no. My ex has hurt herself far worse than I ever could have or could ever think of doing. I have moved on from her, to the point where I don't think much about her at all.
> 
> I have a beautiful fience who cares about herself and has self respect. She loves me, takes care of me and isn't afraid to stand up to me when I'm acting like a doofus. We get along splendidly. I plan to live a happy meaningful life with her.
> 
> As for my ex, my hope is that she gets out of prison and finds a way to stay clean, and that she gets to a place where she is safe and secure. I don't think she will ever be a happy person, but my hope is she will come to a place of peace. I don't really wish any ill-will on her. I don't want to carry any anger forward in my life. Life is too short.


I just want to say "Wow!" You are a truly wise, good, decent, and honorable man. I wish you, and your fiancée, nothing but the very best! 

My heart still goes out to your step-son. I hope that, in you, he will continue to see a role model of how a man of character conducts himself and chooses to follow suit. Your continued concern over his well-being is just another positive example of the kind of man you are. 

Regarding your ex-wife, yes, my heart goes out to her, as well. Not because I was a WS. But, simply because I'm human, and I know how damaging it feels to know that you have caused so much devastation and heartache, not only to the ones you love, but to yourself, as well. Others can leave and, hopefully, heal and move beyond the devastation that infidelity has caused. The WS has no choice but to wake up to themselves, every day. There is not even a glimmer of hope of escaping their own reflection in the mirror. And, that is just a portion of the price your ex-wife will be paying for her multitude of sins. I hope that, eventually, she'll find some inner peace. 

Take care,
~ EI


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

Im all for you moving on with this new fiance, but do take a step back from time to time (which it sounds like you do). 

It just seems.. i dont know.. like all of us jump to conclusions too swiftly in accordance with emotive beliefs instead of logical ones. And it seems that since we all live a very short time relatively speaking, we often make very similar mistakes, we often follow very similar patterns, and we often overestimate our own mastery of what we feel.

I mean, despite what you know about your ex-wife now, you DID marry her. You DID think she was an amazing woman (with flaws sure). You DID think it was always and forever. Now there is a new woman who possesses these traits, you know? Just be careful.. you certainly arent alone- it happens all over this forum and all over the world: human's repeatedly seem to use these positive words of "love" and "she has self-respect" and all that to justify the relationship which ultimately only reliably serves a genetic purpose.

It seems that all of human-kind's abstractions hide from us the truth about ourselves- the truth that while we see ourselves as advanced masters of the world, we are at our core still neurochemically driven animals and subject to missing really large warning signs.

All those musings aside, there are awesome examples of those who luck the f*** out and find what we all hope for- heres hoping this girl is that for you :smthumbup:


----------



## tdwal

_"The WS has no choice but to wake up to themselves, every day. There is not even a glimmer of hope of escaping their own reflection in the mirror."_

You know EI, God forgives and completely forgets about your sins. I hope that you can get to a place where you can forgive yourself and not feel so bad looking in the mirror. What we see is a person who has atoned for her situation and has brought B1 happiness again.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

tdwal said:


> _"The WS has no choice but to wake up to themselves, every day. There is not even a glimmer of hope of escaping their own reflection in the mirror."_
> 
> You know EI, God forgives and completely forgets about your sins. I hope that you can get to a place where you can forgive yourself and not feel so bad looking in the mirror. What we see is a person who has atoned for her situation and has brought B1 happiness again.


I am not personally sure of god (though I do hope), but I agree with this message.

I tend to look at it as marriage being the idea that "us" is more important than "I", and infidelity is the process of ignoring that tenet. El, you made the mistake, but unlike many you rose to the occasion of sticking with the idea of "us" as the long-term priority, and as such you should work towards forgiving yourself. Just IMO.

While we talk of forgiveness, I do think most of us respect someone with the courage to hold their own hand in the fire out of respect for what pain they caused someone else.


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you all for your wise words. Believe me I am not walking into this one blindly. There are many differences between my xWW and my fiancée. I knew my ex had a history with drugs. She had been a cocaine user back in the '80s and '90s. Her and her first husband were both users. So I knew she had a past with drugs and I married her anyway, believing her when she told me she was reformed and clean. 

My fiancée has never used drugs, not even marijuana. She does drink socially but can go months without imbibing. My fiancée is also highly educated and has been a PTA/soccer mom for most of the last twenty years. She has two grown kids who are accomplished and straight as arrows. 

No, there are a lot of differences. Now, would she ever cheat on me? I don't know. There is no guarantee no matter who you marry. It's always a gamble. But I'm willing to take my chances on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Oh I forgot to report that my stepson has officially and permanently told his girlfriend to get lost and never come back. He caught her texting another guy last night and sent her on her merry way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> Oh I forgot to report that my stepson has officially and permanently told his girlfriend to get lost and never come back. He caught her texting another guy last night and sent her on her merry way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's about time. Did you tell him your proud of him? He finally stood up for himself.


----------



## bandit.45

BashfulBull said:


> Oh I forgot to report that my stepson has officially and permanently told his girlfriend to get lost and never come back. He caught her texting another guy last night and sent her on her merry way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank goodness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

treyvion said:


> It's about time. Did you tell him your proud of him? He finally stood up for himself.


Yes I did. I also told him my offer to help him move out here still stands.


----------



## Acabado

BashfulBull said:


> Yes I did. I also told him my offer to help him move out here still stands.


:smthumbup:
I wish you no more than the best in your new path. I hope step son takes your offer, sure enough he coudn't have a better man in his life as an example to follow.


----------



## BashfulB

I just had the best afternoon a man could have. I spent the morning doing yardwork and cleaning the garage, and when I came in the house my fiencee was standing there in the kitchen buckass nude, at the stove making me a big old dagwood sandwich. She ordered me to the shower and told me not to get dressed. As I was drip drying she came into the bedroom, pushed me onto the bed and proceeded to ravish me like a woman on fire. 

After about an hour of legally questionable sex, she hand fed me my sandwich and my favorite import beer, told me not to touch anything. 

Then after we ate we went another round. 

Then we laid in bed and watched a Redbox movie we had both been wanting to see. She's asleep now and I have a big ole grin that wont go away. I am finding so many things about my fiencee that are so much better than my ex as to be laughable. My ex would have never done something like this for me.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

BashfulBull said:


> I just had the best afternoon a man could have. I spent the morning doing yardwork and cleaning the garage, and when I came in the house my fiencee was standing there in the kitchen buckass nude, at the stove making me a big old dagwood sandwich. She ordered me to the shower and told me not to get dressed. As I was drip drying she came into the bedroom, pushed me onto the bed and proceeded to ravish me like a woman on fire.
> 
> After about an hour of legally questionable sex, she hand fed me my sandwich and my favorite import beer, told me not to touch anything.
> 
> Then after we ate we went another round.
> 
> Then we laid in bed and watched a Redbox movie we had both been wanting to see. She's asleep now and I have a big ole grin that wont go away. I am finding so many things about my fiencee that are so much better than my ex as to be laughable. My ex would have never done something like this for me.


Sounds like a great day :smthumbup:


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

bashfulbull said:


> i just had the best afternoon a man could have. I spent the morning doing yardwork and cleaning the garage, and when i came in the house my fiencee was standing there in the kitchen buckass nude, at the stove making me a big old dagwood sandwich. She ordered me to the shower and told me not to get dressed. As i was drip drying she came into the bedroom, pushed me onto the bed and proceeded to ravish me like a woman on fire.
> 
> After about an hour of legally questionable sex, she hand fed me my sandwich and my favorite import beer, told me not to touch anything.
> 
> Then after we ate we went another round.
> 
> Then we laid in bed and watched a redbox movie we had both been wanting to see. She's asleep now and i have a big ole grin that wont go away. I am finding so many things about my fiencee that are so much better than my ex as to be laughable. My ex would have never done something like this for me.


Does she have a sister!!!


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Does she have a sister!!!


Ha ha. Yep. Almost as cute and fiery as my fiencee. She has been married to her husband for twenty five years and he is one happy guy. 

I think I'm marrying into a good gene pool. My fiencee's mom is one of the sweetest most loving old ladies I've ever met. She likes me alot and can't wait for me and her daughter to tie the knot.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

BashfulBull said:


> My ex would have never done something like this for me.


This just dawned on me: you bet what happened today is every man's dream (no really, she sounds great!)- just remember that you "did something for her" as well... it sounds like she knows that for sure  Just dont forget it yourself..


----------



## Mr Blunt

Bull

I hope that those that are suffering form Infidelity with an unrepentant betrayer that has been given a good chance to change will read your post and also the thread by xenus7850. The link is below

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/70233-need-some-advice-here-help.html


In just one year xenus7850 has broken away from the emotional hell that he was in. In your case Bull you did it less than a year...

I have read a lot o stories on TAM where the BS is so devastated and weak that they cannot believe that they can get out of the emotional hell. Well you both are great encouragers for those BS that are in a situation where the WS will not change or will not take the steps to change for good.

Bull and xenus I think that both of your WSs were just too far gone. I like to see R when possible but when not then I think it is great that we have threads like you and xenus. Infidelity is not a death blow!


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> It was she who asked me to marry her. Right now we are in a great place together. We have a quiet, peaceful, undemanding relationship and I like it. Our personalities compliment each other.


Oh, she pushed you into a commitment right away? As long as you're not rushing into it. Keep in mind this is a rebound relationship, and you may not feel the same after a period of time. Myself, I married the rebound girl and things turned out ok until 22 years later....


----------



## F-102

Winston Churchill once said: "If you're going through hell...keep going!"

You did, and look where you are now!


----------



## BashfulB

lordmayhem said:


> Oh, she pushed you into a commitment right away? As long as you're not rushing into it. Keep in mind this is a rebound relationship, and you may not feel the same after a period of time. Myself, I married the rebound girl and things turned out ok until 22 years later....


Well she didn't push me. We broke up one time after about three weeks of dating because she was still seeing an old boyfriend on and off and did not want to lead me on and string me along. We stayed friends and a couple months later we hooked back up after she broke up with that old beau for good. 

Since that time she and I have been inseperable. We moved into our house together (on my prompting) a little over a month or so, because we got tired of not having our own place to be alone together. Her kids are renting her old house so things have workd out good. 

There is no real pressure. Like I said we don't even have a wedding date set. She wants to live together for a time first and see if we are really compatible. In fact we may not even make it to go get her ring this week as her work schedule wont allow for it.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

BashfulBull said:


> Well she didn't push me. We broke up one time after about three weeks of dating because she was still seeing an old boyfriend on and off and did not want to lead me on and string me along. We stayed friends and a couple months later we hooked back up after she broke up with that old beau for good.


Oh man. I dont know dude. I really dont like this part. I really wish you the best, but that sounds like starting off on a worse foot than your last marriage  Well, maybe not worse, but that cant be good...


----------



## bandit.45

Yeah be careful BB. That part about the old BF raises a flag or two. Make sure she's being transparent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tdwal

Come on guys, give BB some credit. He is not rushing into this and most women you meet have had BF's before thats not that big a deal and how in the world can you compare this relationship to his last. Thats pretty speculative don't you think?


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

tdwal said:


> Come on guys, give BB some credit. He is not rushing into this and most women you meet have had BF's before thats not that big a deal and how in the world can you compare this relationship to his last. Thats pretty speculative don't you think?


What about his new girlfriend rushing into this? Its one thing to meet someone who happens to have a relationship. Its one thing to meet someone who has had prior partners. It is another thing entirely to date someone while also dating someone else "on and off". Yeah, she told BB she needed some time, but she still got involved while with someone else- that is a danger sign. 

This feels almost like BashfulBull is in a fog himself. He must have this idea that the two of them were meant for one another and that the other guy she was with was all the negative things she might have said about him (she might not have- im just voicing a concern here). Maybe the guy was Stalin's reincarnate.. I dont know.. but it still doesnt feel right.

Is she on the rebound? Is BB on the rebound? Wont have time to buy a ring?? Other guy involved while the relationship started??? Im just getting this "dude slow down! Take a breath and dont get into anything too soon" vibe SCREAMING at me. Doesnt anyone else feel like BB may be playing with fire?

I really hope im wrong. I have a lot of respect for how BB handled his ex- he felt some pain, took it on the chin, manned up, and moved on. Bravo! But now... I just dont want him to end up down that path again is all. The point of TAM is for us to throw our advice to others in difficult situations on the table- for better or worse, heres mine.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Come on folks. Can't we just be happy and content with him and his new fiance, just for a little while?

He knows the drill. If he sees any red flags, he's gonna snap into action faster than you can say VAR, or key logger.

They haven't set a date. They're living together to see if it's real and long term.

I doubt very much that he would get lulled into not seeing a problem with her ex BO, or anyone else, if it were to pop up.

My, but we are a protective bunch though, aren't we.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Come on folks. Can't we just be happy and content with him and his new fiance, just for a little while?
> 
> He knows the drill. If he sees any red flags, he's gonna snap into action faster than you can say VAR, or key logger.
> 
> They haven't set a date. They're living together to see if it's real and long term.
> 
> I doubt very much that he would get lulled into not seeing a problem with her ex BO, or anyone else, if it were to pop up.
> 
> My, but we are a protective bunch though, aren't we.


I do hope youre right. I will say though, neither love nor lust is ever logical...


----------



## bfree

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I do hope youre right. I will say though, neither love nor lust is ever logical...



But it sure as heck is fun!


----------



## Luvmyjava

BashfulBull said:


> I just had the best afternoon a man could have. I spent the morning doing yardwork and cleaning the garage, and when I came in the house my fiencee was standing there in the kitchen buckass nude, at the stove making me a big old dagwood sandwich. She ordered me to the shower and told me not to get dressed. As I was drip drying she came into the bedroom, pushed me onto the bed and proceeded to ravish me like a woman on fire.
> 
> After about an hour of legally questionable sex, she hand fed me my sandwich and my favorite import beer, told me not to touch anything.
> 
> Then after we ate we went another round.
> 
> Then we laid in bed and watched a Redbox movie we had both been wanting to see. She's asleep now and I have a big ole grin that wont go away. _I am finding so many things about my fiencee that are so much better than my ex as to be laughable. My ex would have never done something like this for me._




^^^This.. erase this thought process ^^^

Do NOT EVER compare your new love to that woman again.. in any sense.
She sounds like a beautiful woman for you, and she enjoys putting a smile on your face.

She is who she is..

BTW... Thanks for the pornographic description... LOL.. Even my STBX looks appealing after reading that.. Arggg.


----------



## turnera

Just make sure you don't get legally married for at least 2 more years, ok? Give it time for the PEA chemicals to wear off and see if you still want to meet each other's needs.


----------



## badcompany

I'm a little concerned you're going too fast, give it another year at least before you tie the knot BB.


----------



## BashfulB

turnera said:


> Just make sure you don't get legally married for at least 2 more years, ok? Give it time for the PEA chemicals to wear off and see if you still want to meet each other's needs.


Thank you for your concern Turnera. You have been a great help to me throughout this. And thanks to everyone else for their concern also. 

First off, my fiencee and I are indeed taking it very slow. We were just talking last night that she may want to go ahead and go back to school and get her teaching certificate before we tie the knot, which could take up to two years. I like this idea and told her so. I have no desire to get married right away. 

Second, my fiencee was up front with me the first time we dated that she was dating another man occasionally. This man lives in a town about a hundred miles away and he comes here once a month or so to see his mom who lives here. My fiencee has known him since they were kids. They dated in high school but lost track of each other after graduation and then they both got married. She did not run into him again until about a year and a half ago after her divorce. 

They dated whenever he was in town, and she admitted to me up front that they had slept together a few times. When I started dating her last year she let me know she was seeing this other man whenever he was in town, but that they were not going steady and that she was not interested in marrying him or having a real relationship with him. 

Understand that at this point she and I were not going steady nor had we promised ourselves to each other. We were seeing each other about twice a week maybe. I was okay with the thought of her dating other men, since we were not going steady, and because it was just sort of an abstract idea in my head. But one night when I was in town I saw her and him together at a diner, and with my feelings still raw over my ex-wife, I got a jealous. The next time I saw her I told her that I could not date her as long as she was dating other people and that it was too soon for me to be dating anyways. She seemed very disappointed, but she also told me she felt awful because she had hurt my feelings. I told her that was not the case and that my feelings were my own. So we agreed to just be friends and stop dating romantically. 

A month or so later when we were talking on the phone she told me that her and that guy had stopped dating because he had fallen in love with another woman in the town he lives in and told her he could not see her anymore. 

She and I did not start dating right away though. I think she wanted to wait and let me make the first move, so eventually I asked her out on a date. On that date she told me she had missed me while we were apart and that she realised she had stronger feelings for me than she had thought. 

So it progressed from there. See, if she had lied to me about the guy and I had found out she was dating him and me at the same time, I would have dropped her like a rock and never looked back. She has been honest to a fault with me on everything so far. I have not seen any indication she may be talking to someone else or fooling around on me. She never uses her computer. She is always with me unless we are at work. She never hides her cell phone or walks in the other room when someone calls, and she is always leaving it laying around. I have the access code to it because she often lets me use it since her cell provider has much better reception out here in this rural area than mine does. 

So for now I am not worried, but I will remain vigilant, believe me.


----------



## turnera

Sounds like a winner.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

Ok, that sounds totally different brother- good luck. I had it in my head you found this out with her hiding it. If shes been completely transparent, you got my go ahead 

I do still support taking it slow, but you do seem adamant you are so kudos to that :smthumbup:


----------



## Mr Blunt

BULL
I know that you are a level headed man but just want to give you my take.

*First, I want to say that your GF has a very attractive quality in that she is HONEST*; that is HUGE! After your experience I now that is extra attractive to you.

She seems to have nothing to hide, her actions show that and that is another positive.

Telling you up front about her high school BF man and their sleeping together is another positive for honesty.


*What I would be concerned about is the fact that she became a one woman girl for you AFTER he broke it off.* Maybe there is nothing more to it than that but apparently she was willing to stay with him and she was not the one that broke it off. Those high school flames can fuel a lot of idealized fantasies. In other words, some people when they get into a squabble or have some real troubled issues in a relationship will be drawn to that idealized fantasy about when they were young and emotions were so very high. It *is very easy to be drawn to a life that was young, full of fun, very little responsibility, and when your emotions are so maximized for the opposite sex.* On top of that, in that frame of mind you add the old boyfriend from that period and you have a very powerful attraction. Of course when they get together and live the real life fro a while, most often it turns to shyt because you can never be that young and carefree again. However, *I am surprised how many can avoid that reality when looking at their young desires.*


I m not wanting to rain on your parade but just telling you what I would be concerned about. The suggestions about you waiting 2 years is very good IMO. In fact I may extend that to 3-4 years. You have handled your last relationship and the crises very well but you are still very prone to being extra excited about a woman that has some good qualities and some of those qualities are what you need most for your wounded emotions.

*This lady may be there best thing since sliced bread but just make double sure that her interest in the high School BF is not still smoldering and waiting to flame up when you two have squables.*


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

Mr Blunt said:


> BULL
> I know that you are a level headed man but just want to give you my take.
> 
> *First, I want to say that your GF has a very attractive quality in that she is HONEST*; that is HUGE! After your experience I now that is extra attractive to you.
> 
> She seems to have nothing to hide, her actions show that and that is another positive.
> 
> Telling you up front about her high school BF man and their sleeping together is another positive for honesty.
> 
> 
> *What I would be concerned about is the fact that she became a one woman girl for you AFTER he broke it off.* Maybe there is nothing more to it than that but apparently she was willing to stay with him and she was not the one that broke it off. Those high school flames can fuel a lot of idealized fantasies. In other words, some people when they get into a squabble or have some real troubled issues in a relationship will be drawn to that idealized fantasy about when they were young and emotions were so very high. It *is very easy to be drawn to a life that was young, full of fun, very little responsibility, and when your emotions are so maximized for the opposite sex.* On top of that, in that frame of mind you add the old boyfriend from that period and you have a very powerful attraction. Of course when they get together and live the real life fro a while, most often it turns to shyt because you can never be that young and carefree again. However, *I am surprised how many can avoid that reality when looking at their young desires.*
> 
> 
> I m not wanting to rain on your parade but just telling you what I would be concerned about. The suggestions about you waiting 2 years is very good IMO. In fact I may extend that to 3-4 years. You have handled your last relationship and the crises very well but you are still very prone to being extra excited about a woman that has some good qualities and some of those qualities are what you need most for your wounded emotions.
> 
> *This lady may be there best thing since sliced bread but just make double sure that her interest in the high School BF is not still smoldering and waiting to flame up when you two have squables.*


Great points..


----------



## turnera

Yeah, the only thing that stood out for me was that he broke up with her, so there may be lingering desire on her part that may come up later. The guy who got away...


----------



## 12345Person

turnera said:


> Yeah, the only thing that stood out for me was that he broke up with her, so there may be lingering desire on her part that may come up later. The guy who got away...


Yeah, I was too cowardly to mention it, but that really did take my notice.

Never be plan B, I guess.


----------



## BashfulB

Quick update: My stepson called last night. They had a presentence hearing for my xWW. She waived a full revocation hearing and went ahead and had her lawyer ask the judge to sentence her. 

She got 2.5 years prison with credit for 6 months served. If she behaves they will parole her in about a year. 

Can't say how I really feel. Guess it has not sunk in yet.


----------



## BashfulB

Mr Blunt said:


> B]What I would be concerned about is the fact that she became a one woman girl for you AFTER he broke it off.[/B] Maybe there is nothing more to it than that but apparently she was willing to stay with him and she was not the one that broke it off. Those high school flames can fuel a lot of idealized fantasies. In other words, some people when they get into a squabble or have some real troubled issues in a relationship will be drawn to that idealized fantasy about when they were young and emotions were so very high. It *is very easy to be drawn to a life that was young, full of fun, very little responsibility, and when your emotions are so maximized for the opposite sex.* On top of that, in that frame of mind you add the old boyfriend from that period and you have a very powerful attraction. Of course when they get together and live the real life fro a while, most often it turns to shyt because you can never be that young and carefree again. However, *I am surprised how many can avoid that reality when looking at their young desires.*


I could see this being a concern. I don't really think this is the case. I think as a middle aged dating woman, who had ended a long marriage with her ex-husband, she was trying to keep her options open. I got the sense that she was good friends with the guy and that there was a connection due to them having been intimate, but no real love. She said when he broke up with her that she was not really too broken up about it. 

She knew that the reason I called it off with her was because of him, so when he called it off with her it sort of freed her up to go back and see if I was willing to take another shot at it. 

Look, I will never know her deepest motives. It's a roll of the dice. I know I'm taking a risk. Love is always a risk. 

My fiencee has told me that she saw me as "premium husband material" the first time we met. She seems to desire me sexually because she jumps on me every chance she gets. Just last night she drove fifteen miles out to my jobsite where I was working a late shift to bring me dinner, drove us out behind some trees and we had a quickie in the back of her SUV. 

I will keep vigilant, and I won't rush into marriage with her.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> Just last night she drove fifteen miles out to my jobsite where I was working a late shift to bring me dinner, drove us out behind some trees and we had a quickie in the back of her SUV.


This brings a whole new meaning the the phrase "Chew and screw".


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

*Sigh* Considering how you handled the last one, Im pretty sure youll be good.

I gotta confess- I dont like "Premium Husband Material" (screams Beta Male bank to me) and I dont like that he broke up with her which suggests he ranked higher than you to her. Im just being too defensive I guess- so much bad crap on here you always expect the worst. Perhaps her values and focus have/has now shifted.

I will say the sex is a very good sign :smthumbup: What man can complain with that?


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> This brings a whole new meaning the the phrase "Chew and screw".


Well I chewed her and screwed her.


----------



## BashfulB

Heard through my SS that my ex was transported to prison this morning to start her sentence. 

Wow. It's surreal. Everything has happened so fast.


----------



## F-102

It's a damn shame, BB. Ask her to explain just why this HAD to happen?

P.S. Good to hear from you again...how are you and the GF holding up?


----------



## LongWalk

What is your Dagwood sandwich?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tainted

How is your step son handling the situation? I hope he takes you up on your offer to move in.


----------



## BashfulB

F-102 said:


> It's a damn shame, BB. Ask her to explain just why this HAD to happen?
> 
> P.S. Good to hear from you again...how are you and the GF holding up?


No I won't be asking xWW anything F-102. I have cut all ties to her for good, especially after she pulled that stunt of absconding from her treatment center. I had hope for her before that, but when she ran? No. I'm done with her. Can't believe I married someone that freakin' stupid. 

As for my fiencee? She has a nice high-quality rock on her finger and she sexually pummels me lovingly to sleep every night. We're doing things in bed that are probably illegal. We get along great, have the same stupid sense of humor, and we laugh alot. Alot.


----------



## BashfulB

LongWalk said:


> What is your Dagwood sandwich?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One blonde, then a redhead, then me, then another redhead, then a nice brunette. :lol:

Naw. I like smoked ham, gouda, fresh lettuce and lots of tomatoes.


----------



## BashfulB

tainted said:


> How is your step son handling the situation? I hope he takes you up on your offer to move in.


He's kind of relieved she's off the street, but he knows she will get drugs in prison too. 

As for him moving here it is probably not going to happen. He is currently talking to recruiters. I think he wants to join the Navy. We'll see.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> No I won't be asking xWW anything F-102. I have cut all ties to her for good, especially after she pulled that stunt of absconding from her treatment center. I had hope for her before that, but when she ran? No. I'm done with her. Can't believe I married someone that freakin' stupid.
> 
> As for my fiencee? She has a nice high-quality rock on her finger and she sexually pummels me lovingly to sleep every night. We're doing things in bed that are probably illegal. We get along great, have the same stupid sense of humor, and we laugh alot. Alot.


So now you wile away the wee hours, getting sexually pummeled...

Life can be funny like that. You've endured some mighty bad lows. It's great to hear that you're now living through some mighty great highs.

I'll never use the word pummeled and not think of you.

It's great to hear that things are going well for you. Thans for the update.


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> No I won't be asking xWW anything F-102. I have cut all ties to her for good, especially after she pulled that stunt of absconding from her treatment center. I had hope for her before that, but when she ran? No. I'm done with her. Can't believe I married someone that freakin' stupid.
> 
> As for my fiencee? She has a nice high-quality rock on her finger and she sexually pummels me lovingly to sleep every night. We're doing things in bed that are probably illegal. We get along great, have the same stupid sense of humor, and we laugh alot. Alot.


Come on! What a better way to recover from that previous marriage. Does the new lady know that sexlessness is not going to be an option and she feels the same way about it?


----------



## Mr Blunt

> No I won't be asking xWW anything F-102. I have cut all ties to her for good, especially after she pulled that stunt of absconding from her treatment center. I had hope for her before that, but when she ran? No. I'm done with her. Can't believe I married someone that freakin' stupid.
> 
> As for my fiencee? She has a nice high-quality rock on her finger and she sexually pummels me lovingly to sleep every night. We're doing things in bed that are probably illegal. We get along great, have the same stupid sense of humor, and we laugh alot. Alot.


*WOW

What a difference one year makes!!! 
In fact it has been less than one year.


I hope others read this thread to see how having someone cheat on you in the worst way does not have to ruin your life. Bull is so much better than last year.

CONGRATS BULL!*


----------



## Ripper

BashfulBull said:


> No I won't be asking xWW anything F-102. I have cut all ties to her for good, especially after she pulled that stunt of absconding from her treatment center. I had hope for her before that, but when she ran? No. I'm done with her. Can't believe I married someone that freakin' stupid.
> 
> As for my fiencee? She has a nice high-quality rock on her finger and she sexually pummels me lovingly to sleep every night. We're doing things in bed that are probably illegal. We get along great, have the same stupid sense of humor, and we laugh alot. Alot.


Epic.


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> So now you wile away the wee hours, getting sexually pummeled...
> 
> Life can be funny like that. You've endured some mighty bad lows. It's great to hear that you're now living through some mighty great highs.
> 
> I'll never use the word pummeled and not think of you.
> 
> It's great to hear that things are going well for you. Thans for the update.


It still hurts sometimes when I think about it. I guess there will always be a shard of love for her in there somewhere. I just wish she would get her damned act together.


----------



## 3putt

BashfulBull said:


> It still hurts sometimes when I think about it. I guess there will always be a shard of love for her in there somewhere. I just wish she would get her damned act together.


This rationale is what makes you the man you are.

All good things to you in the future, partner.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By BashfullBull*
> It still hurts sometimes when I think about it. I guess there will always be a shard of love for her in there somewhere. I just wish she would get her damned act together.




Good people like you Bull will be affected by a person like your ex. She is a person and a mother and there is just not a lot of joy in seeing a poor woman self destruct. In fact it is rather sad, However, where there is life there is hope so maybe she will make her life better in the future. 

Bull, it may seem hard but you have to keep putting your life as top priority and keep her out of your life as you can not do much if anything for your ex. If you are a man that is spiritual you can always pray for her. God knows she needs it


----------



## adriana

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I gotta confess- I dont like "Premium Husband Material" (screams Beta Male bank to me) and I dont like that he broke up with her which suggests he ranked higher than you to her.



I hope that one day you'll realize how tragicomical your post is. Just out of curiosity.... how old are you?


----------



## BashfulB

adriana said:


> I hope that one day you'll realize how tragicomical your post is. Just out of curiosity.... how old are you?


I am 46.


----------



## WhiteRaven

adriana said:


> how old are you?


30


----------



## adriana

BashfulBull said:


> I am 46.



BashfulBull, my "kind of rhetorical" question was directed to OptimisticPessimist. As far as I'm concerned you're one of those rare individuals with nothing left to prove. :smthumbup:


----------



## Sandfly

Marto, od dawna ciebie nie było. 

Good to see you doing better and better, BB.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Polish! Thought so!


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

adriana said:


> I hope that one day you'll realize how tragicomical your post is. Just out of curiosity.... how old are you?


30. Why does it matter?

I must have missed the memo where being cautious around here is a bad thing, unless I interpret your words the wrong way? 

I mean:
1) Fresh out of a relationship where his wife goes to prison. (Rebound)
2) Woman he's now dating was with and dumped by another man while in correspondance with him who has been labeled:
3) "Premium Husband Material"
4) Fiance... gulp... I mean cool, but already??

All 4 are big warning signs, so I fail to see how my mentioning them is tragicomical?

Note to BashfulBull: Im not trying to crap on your parade of fortune- Im just calling it how I see it! Keep yer eyes peeled! Enjoy the sex and good times, but dont get too attached yet!


----------



## WhiteRaven

OptimisticPessimist said:


> dont get too attached yet!


Don't get too attached, *ever again*.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

WhiteRaven said:


> Don't get too attached, *ever again*.




I didnt say it


----------



## missthelove2013

WhiteRaven said:


> Don't get too attached, *ever again*.





OptimisticPessimist said:


> I didnt say it


But I will reiterate it.
I will NEVER give up hobbies or a lifestyle for a woman again. Oh Im sure I will fall in love/lust, get attached a bit, but I will always maintain my life. I compromised and gave up things once, wont do it again.


----------



## turnera

That's the same reason my mom never dated after divorce. She wasn't about to change who she was just to please a man who wanted a cookie cutter (read: maid/mother) wife.


----------



## F-102

"Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away."

Cheap Trick


----------



## missthelove2013

I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
I need a lover that won't drive me crazy
Some girl that knows the meaning of
Hey, hit the highway

John Cougar


----------



## BashfulB

Thanks for the posts everyone. And thanks for your concern. 

Believe me, I'm not walking blind here. I do not have my fiencee on a pedestal. She has given me the full rundown on the crappy things she has done in her life and I have done the same. 

I'm no angel... I've done some questionable, stupid, silly things in my time. Smoking dope, heavy drinking, swinging, high stakes gambling, sex with prostitues and various lewd women...I have delved in the darker side of life. Not proud of it, but I learned from those experiences and won't repeat them.

If anyone should be questioning their choice in a significant other, it should be her, not me. 

As for all of that stuff that went on with the guy she was dating when I first met her, I have a full and clear picture of the timeline of that relationship. It was a relationship that would not have lasted, irrespective of my meeting or not meeting her. I stepped offstage while she was winding things down with him and did not start dating her again until she had been broke up with him for a couple weeks. 

I'm not her plan B. If I was I would not have let the relationship go any further.


----------



## bandit.45

None of us are a sure bet. We are all flawed. And any relationship is a roll of the dice. BB if you think this woman is the real deal then stick with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

Just wanted to post an update. 

My stepson had finished his testing and has enlisted in the Air Force. He will be heading for basic training in a little over a month. He wants me to drive up there and spend time with him before he leaves. Do I'm arranging some vacation time. I think he's planning a fishing trip, so it will be one last time I get to spend with him as a young man before he becomes a full fledged man. 

He talks to his mom on the phone every weekend and says she's adjusting to prison life as well as can be expected. She hasn't been beaten up but she says it's a horrible scary place. 

She had him forward a letter to me. I have not opened it. It has sat inside the glove compartment of my truck for over a week. My fiancée is dying for me to open it. I may just give it to her to read as I don't care what that woman wants to say to me. It's all pointless now. I don't know why she wastes her time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> Just wanted to post an update.
> 
> My stepson had finished his testing and has enlisted in the Air Force. He will be heading for basic training in a little over a month. He wants me to drive up there and spend time with him before he leaves. Do I'm arranging some vacation time. I think he's planning a fishing trip, so it will be one last time I get to spend with him as a young man before he becomes a full fledged man.
> 
> He talks to his mom on the phone every weekend and says she's adjusting to prison life as well as can be expected. She hasn't been beaten up but she says it's a horrible scary place.
> 
> She had him forward a letter to me. I have not opened it. It has sat inside the glove compartment of my truck for over a week. My fiancée is dying for me to open it. I may just give it to her to read as I don't care what that woman wants to say to me. It's all pointless now. *I don't know why she wastes her time.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not being sarcastic, but what else does she have to do with her time...

She sits there day after day, going over what she has done to you, herself, her son. A lot of time to replay her demise over and over in her head.

I'm not surprised she wrote it. Even if you never read it, it's something therapeutic for her. Kind of like telling things to a bar tender. He/she may not have the answers, or even care about what you're telling them. It's just a form of release.


----------



## happyman64

> It's all pointless now. I don't know why she wastes her time.


It is called Redemption BB.

She wants some.


----------



## BashfulB

happyman64 said:


> It is called Redemption BB.
> 
> She wants some.


I've already told her I've forgiven her. 

She is Catholic. Maybe when she's released she can become a nun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BashfulB

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I'm not being sarcastic, but what else does she have to do with her time...
> 
> She sits there day after day, going over what she has done to you, herself, her son. A lot of time to replay her demise over and over in her head.
> 
> I'm not surprised she wrote it. Even if you never read it, it's something therapeutic for her. Kind of like telling things to a bar tender. He/she may not have the answers, or even care about what you're telling them. It's just a form of release.


And a source of agony for my fiancée. She wants to read it so bad she is salivating. Maybe I could think up an equitable trade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Why not just read it, ponder it for 10 seconds, then light a match to it.

That part of your life is over.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

Ill dissent I guess. Heres what I think:

If it didnt matter to you at all, you would have already opened it, given it a cursory glance, and tossed it. Or, you would have just tossed it. You do care what it says, even though it wont change anything.

I think any man in here can agree theyd care what it said, even as bad as she's screwed up. She was your wife man- she did bad things but you made a promise, and you loved her. Somewhere inside you will always have memories and you will always have a feeling or two tucked away. No shame in that- youve handled this like a champ, so personally id give it a read and reflect on it.

Youve moved on of course. You arent obligated to respond or even stay in touch. It is however a solid closure; you would wonder forever what it said somewhere deep inside. 

Just my .02.. Best of luck


----------



## Mr Blunt

Bull

*The main thing is that you continue to detach from her if you have not already completely detached. *


She is a woman that was once a significant person in your life but now it would be wise to keep her at least at a very far distance or completely out of your life. . That is not a suggestion with hatred or vindictiveness it is a suggestion that is in your best interest. I know that you know all this Bull but you seem to be doing so much better and having her get back into your life could stop some of the gains that you have made. *You have everything to lose with her in your life and every thing to gain without her.*


She is a person and a mother and I feel very sorry for her but she has dug herself a hole in this life and may never get completly out.. Her self esteem is severely damaged, her ability to earn a good living is seriously hampered, her ability to get a good break is almost non-existent, her emotions are damaged and she will have a very hard time being a giver, and then she has that drug life experience that will tempt her though out her life and she just may say, why not my life sucks anyway and then get back into drugs.


*I am not saying that she cannot get better but the chances of her getting a lot better are slim to none IMO.*

Pray for her if you want as she will need it!


----------



## turnera

BashfulBull said:


> I have not opened it. It has at inside the glove compartment of my truck for over a week. My fiancée is dying for me to open it.


I don't know why, but this made me laugh.


----------



## bandit.45

Let your fiancee read the letter BB. She can give you the cliff notes of what it says.


----------



## mahike

I agree with Bandit let her read it and just give you a summary but I am going to ask you if she means nothing to you, tell me why you hung on to the letter in the first place


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> Just wanted to post an update.
> 
> My stepson had finished his testing and has enlisted in the Air Force. He will be heading for basic training in a little over a month. He wants me to drive up there and spend time with him before he leaves. Do I'm arranging some vacation time. I think he's planning a fishing trip, so it will be one last time I get to spend with him as a young man before he becomes a full fledged man.


Just curious. He did all that already? You mean he just took the ASVAB, didn't have to go to MEPS and swear in? I know for a fact from some AF recruiter buddies that the waiting time to go in is about a year now in most instances. Heck, the waiting time for the NAVY now is 6 months at the very least. Even back in the 80s when I enlisted during the Reagan years and we were building up to fight the Soviet Empire, I had to wait 6 months under the DEP. Its twice as difficult now, with the draw down, the AF can afford to be even more selective now. Its downright difficult to get in the military nowadays.


----------



## Squeakr

lordmayhem said:


> Just curious. He did all that already? You mean he just took the ASVAB, didn't have to go to MEPS and swear in? I know for a fact from some AF recruiter buddies that the waiting time to go in is about a year now in most instances. Heck, the waiting time for the NAVY now is 6 months at the very least. Even back in the 80s when I enlisted during the Reagan years and we were building up to fight the Soviet Empire, I had to wait 6 months under the DEP. Its twice as difficult now, with the draw down, the AF can afford to be even more selective now. Its downright difficult to get in the military nowadays.


Depends on the region and their quotas to meet and the group of perspectives to draw upon. I went in in the 90's and had the highest ASVAB scores possible and my choice of services. I enlisted in the Marines (should have went AF I realized later) on one day, went to Meps 5 days later and was heading out to basic within 2 weeks. The turn around was phenomenal so depending on the area and population available it is quite possible to have it happen that quickly, especially if someone slated to go gets injured/ sick and can't go as previously expected and they have someone willing to go immediately (happened in my case). Even with a waiting list, most when offered a last minute upgrade to go immediately, they will balk and pass the opportunity as it is too last minute for them and their plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farsidejunky

understand the AF can swear you in without a ship date. You go into delayed entry, wait in that status for one of the jobs you asked for to open up, then when it does they contact you to see if you will take it. If one does not open in a 12 month time frame, or you refuse it when it comes available, or you just get tired of waiting, you walk next door to my office and ask about wearing green instead of blue... lol

Edit: Should say what used to be my office. I retired 90 days ago from the Army after 13 years in recruiting.

OP: I am still in the loop with things if you have questions, so feel free to PM me.


----------



## carpenoctem

BashfulBull said:


> *And a source of agony for my fiancée. She wants to read it so bad she is salivating. Maybe I could think up an equitable trade.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



*curiosity and p_ssy are proverbially linked anyway.*


----------



## Chaparral

happyman64 said:


> It is called Redemption BB.
> 
> She wants some.


Well, she wants something, more likely, sooner or later if you stay in contact, she will try to play you for money. Its what convicts do.


----------



## BashfulB

lordmayhem said:


> Just curious. He did all that already? You mean he just took the ASVAB, didn't have to go to MEPS and swear in? I know for a fact from some AF recruiter buddies that the waiting time to go in is about a year now in most instances. Heck, the waiting time for the NAVY now is 6 months at the very least. Even back in the 80s when I enlisted during the Reagan years and we were building up to fight the Soviet Empire, I had to wait 6 months under the DEP. Its twice as difficult now, with the draw down, the AF can afford to be even more selective now. Its downright difficult to get in the military nowadays.


He started the process about, oh, probably nine months ago I guess? 

You got me Lordmayhem, I haven't really been monitoring what he was doing.


----------



## BashfulB

Well I let my fiancee read the letter last night. She had a furrowed brow and just sort of tossed it to me with a grunt of disgust. 

The letter was more of the usual "I will always love you" and "I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused" ... stuff. 

No new revelations. Telling me a bit about prison life and how they have her working cleaning detaisl and working in the kitchen. Wanting to know what I was doing, how my life was, if I was seeing anyone (she does not know of my engagement ), if I would correspond with her. Blah blah blah. 

I tossed it in the trash, and then my fiancee pulled me in the bedroom to reestablish her territory.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> Well I let my fiancee read the letter last night. She had a furrowed brow and just sort of tossed it to me with a grunt of disgust.
> 
> The letter was more of the usual "I will always love you" and "I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused" ... stuff.
> 
> No new revelations. Telling me a bit about prison life and how they have her working cleaning detaisl and working in the kitchen. Wanting to know what I was doing, how my life was, if I was seeing anyone (she does not know of my engagement ), if I would correspond with her. Blah blah blah.
> 
> I tossed it in the trash, and *then my fiancee pulled me in the bedroom to reestablish her territory*.


Well, at leat some good came out of that letter.


----------



## Foghorn

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Well, at leat some good came out of that letter.


No doubt. "Moving right along...."

BB, congrats and I wish you the very best. I am glad to see you're not looking in the rearview mirror too much. nothing back there but dust.

Regards,
FH


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

Drugs cause action based on feeling, not rationality. Feelings are how we understand our relationship to our environment; we fight to create, preserve or destroy the environment which sponsors a feeling.

The use of drugs is the artificial means of feeling something, and so the feeling is not solely resulting from the surrounding environment. We're all sitting here thinking "wow, wtf is/was wrong with this woman?" I think the most rational answer to that question is "she chose to take these drugs while she was sober, which led to irrational insanity due to artificial feeling". Because really, there is no understanding with logic the actions of a druggie.

Consider the depression we treat with prescription drugs now- artificial happiness. While there are certainly cases of people depressed for no logical reason and thus requiring antidepressants, I think to an extent society pays a price when we medicate away the valid feelings of those who see the failures in our "success"- just as we pay a price when we feel positive things taking the destructive drugs your wife got involved with.

Where am I going with this? I wouldnt be at all surprised if she truly meant she was sorry- and I think its important you remember that BB. While you have always maintained that this wasnt your fault, so many question themselves after the dust has settled- they beat themselves up over things that were beyond their logical control. She doesnt have those drugs now- her mind is (more) normal (than on drugs)[not counting how drugs can over time permanently change brain function], and she is admitting fault and her actions show it had nothing to do with you.

It is VERY important you completely set down this bag of bricks before enjoying red-headed bliss "forever until death do us part..."


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

BashfulBull said:


> Well I let my fiancee read the letter last night. She had a furrowed brow and just sort of tossed it to me with a grunt of disgust.
> 
> The letter was more of the usual "I will always love you" and "I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused" ... stuff.
> 
> No new revelations. Telling me a bit about prison life and how they have her working cleaning detaisl and working in the kitchen. Wanting to know what I was doing, how my life was, if I was seeing anyone (she does not know of my engagement ), if I would correspond with her. Blah blah blah.
> 
> I tossed it in the trash, and then my fiancee pulled me in the bedroom to reestablish her territory.





GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Well, at leat some good came out of that letter.


 Territorial sex  Nothing quite lack that to bring out the female animal eh? 

Good to hear things are good in that relationship BB- I say we are basically completely done here :smthumbup:


----------



## carpenoctem

BashfulBull said:


> Well I let my fiancee read the letter last night. She had a furrowed brow and just sort of tossed it to me with a grunt of disgust.
> 
> The letter was more of the usual "I will always love you" and "I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused" ... stuff.
> 
> No new revelations. Telling me a bit about prison life and how they have her working cleaning detaisl and working in the kitchen. Wanting to know what I was doing, how my life was, if I was seeing anyone (she does not know of my engagement ), if I would correspond with her. Blah blah blah.
> 
> *I tossed it in the trash, and then my fiancee pulled me in the bedroom to reestablish her territory.*




Ah.

*Now, you have the alchemy of desire on tap. All there is to do is: arrange things so that every time the passion seems to dissipate a little, get a letter sent by the FWW.*

It will work on your fiancée better than Lybrido / flibanserin.

(Well, a few times at least).

Best of luck, BB.




All said, it is so tragic the way you FWW burnt her own life down.


----------



## BashfulB

OptimisticPessimist said:


> Drugs cause action based on feeling, not rationality. Feelings are how we understand our relationship to our environment; we fight to create, preserve or destroy the environment which sponsors a feeling.
> 
> The use of drugs is the artificial means of feeling something, and so the feeling is not solely resulting from the surrounding environment. We're all sitting here thinking "wow, wtf is/was wrong with this woman?" I think the most rational answer to that question is "she chose to take these drugs while she was sober, which led to irrational insanity due to artificial feeling". Because really, there is no understanding with logic the actions of a druggie.
> 
> Consider the depression we treat with prescription drugs now- artificial happiness. While there are certainly cases of people depressed for no logical reason and thus requiring antidepressants, I think to an extent society pays a price when we medicate away the valid feelings of those who see the failures in our "success"- just as we pay a price when we feel positive things taking the destructive drugs your wife got involved with.
> 
> Where am I going with this? I wouldnt be at all surprised if she truly meant she was sorry- and I think its important you remember that BB. While you have always maintained that this wasnt your fault, so many question themselves after the dust has settled- they beat themselves up over things that were beyond their logical control. She doesnt have those drugs now- her mind is (more) normal (than on drugs)[not counting how drugs can over time permanently change brain function], and she is admitting fault and her actions show it had nothing to do with you.
> 
> It is VERY important you completely set down this bag of bricks before enjoying red-headed bliss "forever until death do us part..."


I'll take this to the bank and deposit it. Thank you.


----------



## BashfulB

OptimisticPessimist said:


> Territorial sex  Nothing quite lack that to bring out the female animal eh?
> 
> Good to hear things are good in that relationship BB- I say we are basically completely done here :smthumbup:


I think you are right. I think its time for me to fold up my tent and head down the highway. 

I want to again thank everyone here on TAM for their help and guidance through the worst trial of my life. I feel like I've made friends here. 

I may stop by in a year or so and give you all an update. I wish you all the very best.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

BashfulBull said:


> I think you are right. I think its time for me to fold up my tent and head down the highway.
> 
> I want to again thank everyone here on TAM for their help and guidance through the worst trial of my life. I feel like I've made friends here.
> 
> I may stop by in a year or so and give you all an update. I wish you all the very best.


I certainly didnt mean to tell you to f*ck off.. Just to say that as it pertains to your ex wife, well what else can we say?

Feel free to comment in other threads on TAM :smthumbup:

Bummer. Everyone's like "Nice going OptimisticPessimist. Couldnt keep your d*mn mouth shut could you??"  

Its the crappy part about a community like this- people come and go. Anyways, good luck


----------



## Mr Blunt

What ever is best for you that are what we want for you. Optimistic P was not telling you to stop posting on this thread but if that is what you want then we all support you. Frankly, I think your thread and your posts are great for this TAM web site. You took a big hit last year and now you are an inspiration!!!!

I know you are not a saint but that is another reason I like your posts; because I am no saint either and I do not believe anyone here is either. You took your hit last year and now your life seems to be a lot better and that is what we all want for all BSs. You said that we all helped you and that is a WIN-WIN for all of us. We helped you and now you are helping us.


Frankly I wish some of these BS people would not only read your thread but then take the ACTIONS like you did. One example is that BS named SteveK but there are others. They just cannot stop being a dishrag-door mat and that is not good for anyone...

I for one wood like to hear from you every week or at least every month so I can see how a BS came out OK. However, like I said you do what is best for you


----------



## Squeakr

Mr Blunt said:


> Frankly I wish some of these BS people would not only read your thread but then take the ACTIONS like you did. One example is that BS named SteveK but there are others. They just cannot stop being a dishrag-door mat and that is not good for anyone...


While I agree that BB is an inspiration to all and wish him all the luck in the future I don't agree with your assessment of others situations as a comparison. Just because the betrayal against BB was the same as it is for others, the situations resulting around it are not. No kids were involved, no real property to be sold, a short time to get divorced in his state, and BB's WS was arrested and sent to prison for drug abuse/ use so some of the decisions that other BS face were taken from his control and helped to force his hand. Had he had kids, property, and no illicit/illegal activities involved (other than the infidelity) in his situation, he may just as well still be dealing with his decision making process and marriage just as others here are still doing. 

Put others that you call "dish rags" in the exact same situations where certain controlling factors are removed from the equation and you just may find that they would have the same outcomes as BB (not trying to downplay his actions in any way but very few other BS on here are/were facing deciding to R or D with a spouse that is going to or went to prison for their actions so it is not entirely a fair comparison).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## m0nk

Squeakr said:


> Depends on the region and their quotas to meet and the group of perspectives to draw upon. I went in in the 90's and had the highest ASVAB scores possible and my choice of services. I enlisted in the Marines (should have went AF I realized later) on one day, went to Meps 5 days later and was heading out to basic within 2 weeks. The turn around was phenomenal so depending on the area and population available it is quite possible to have it happen that quickly, especially if someone slated to go gets injured/ sick and can't go as previously expected and they have someone willing to go immediately (happened in my case). Even with a waiting list, most when offered a last minute upgrade to go immediately, they will balk and pass the opportunity as it is too last minute for them and their plans.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This thought just popped in my head--I know you'll be hanging with your son before he heads off. But in perusing this thread and noting where you said he talks to his mom every weekend or every other weekend, a red flag went up. It's not like you can prevent your son from the following as he has his own choices to make, but if he isn't careful, she could take advantage of him financially. Hopefully (and it sounds like this is true) he has a good head on his shoulders and would ask you for advice in that circumstance. Best of luck BB...


----------



## warlock07

The letter, she could have met him and asked him the details of his life when released on probation, didn't she ? 

She writes BB letters because he is the only one she can write to.

Pretty sad indeed.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Frankly I wish some of these BS people would not only read your thread but then take the ACTIONS like you did. One example is that BS named SteveK but there are others. They just cannot stop being a dishrag-door mat and that is not good for anyone...
> 
> 
> *Reply by Squeakr*
> While I agree that BB is an inspiration to all and wish him all the luck in the future I don't agree with your assessment of others situations as a comparison. Just because the betrayal against BB was the same as it is for others, the situations resulting around it are not. No kids were involved, no real property to be sold, a short time to get divorced in his state, and BB's WS was arrested and sent to prison for drug abuse/ use so some of the decisions that other BS face were taken from his control and helped to force his hand. Had he had kids, property, and no illicit/illegal activities involved (other than the infidelity) in his situation, he may just as well still be dealing with his decision making process and marriage just as others here are still doing.
> 
> Put others that you call "dish rags" in the exact same situations where certain controlling factors are removed from the equation and you just may find that they would have the same outcomes as BB (not trying to downplay his actions in any way but very few other BS on here are/were facing deciding to R or D with a spouse that is going to or went to prison for their actions so it is not entirely a fair comparison).




The action I was referring to was the BS being a “dish-rag door mat” I even gave an example of that in SteveK.
*Being a dish-rag-door-mat is an action that always hurts in either an R or a D*.


Bull took actions that were not like a dish-rag-door-mat and he is recovering.


----------



## BashfulB

I made the mistake of reading SteveK's thread. Wish I hadn't. 

Anyway, as an update, I got a call from my Stepson. I guess my ex was hauled from the detention center where she is doing her time to some psychiatric prison. They wouldn't tell him the details but I guess this past Tuesday she flipped her lid, had to be sedated and I guess they have her medicated and in restraints. That's all he knows. 

I'll report back when I hear more. Right now I have some ribs to barbecue. I hope all of you have a wonderful 4th of July.


----------



## Chaparral

Sorry to hear it. Karma bus is mean. I think prison would kill me. 

Good luck


----------



## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I made the mistake of reading SteveK's thread. Wish I hadn't.
> 
> Anyway, as an update, I got a call from my Stepson. I guess my ex was hauled from the detention center where she is doing her time to some psychiatric prison. They wouldn't tell him the details but I guess this past Tuesday she flipped her lid, had to be sedated and I guess they have her medicated and in restraints. That's all he knows.
> 
> I'll report back when I hear more. Right now I have some ribs to barbecue. I hope all of you have a wonderful 4th of July.


I'm sorry BB. You are a good man and you care about your stepson. I do hope your XW finds her way to health for his sake. Good luck and enjoy your ribs!!!


----------



## EI

BashfulBull said:


> I made the mistake of reading SteveK's thread. Wish I hadn't.
> 
> Anyway, as an update, I got a call from my Stepson. I guess my ex was hauled from the detention center where she is doing her time to some psychiatric prison. They wouldn't tell him the details but I guess this past Tuesday she flipped her lid, had to be sedated and I guess they have her medicated and in restraints. That's all he knows.
> 
> I'll report back when I hear more. Right now I have some ribs to barbecue. I hope all of you have a wonderful 4th of July.




That is absolutely heartbreaking. My heart goes out to her, her son, and to anyone who loves her. It must be a horrific sentence to be trapped inside of a drug addicted mind and body. It's something that I would not wish upon anyone. It saddens me that they won't even give her son all of the details. She is obviously not of sound mind, at this time, and if her next of kin is not entitled to the information about her physical and emotional health, then there is literally no one in this world, who actually cares about her, who is in any position to help her, in any way. She has been incarcerated for quite some time. Unless she has been given drugs, on the inside, she would have long been completely detoxed from the physical standpoint of the addiction. It makes you wonder if someone inside of the prison was supplying her with drugs. If so, what were they receiving in the way of compensation? Your ex-wife is a very sick woman. I pray she can some day find healing, rise above this horrific addiction, and find some peace and joy in her life.

On a brighter note, I am so happy that you continue to find happiness in your life and have moved beyond the devastation that her addiction brought into your life. 

Once again, BB, you are a very good man. Be happy!


----------



## treyvion

BashfulBull said:


> I’m new to this site and need some advice.
> 
> I married my wife four years ago. It was my first marriage and her second. We seemed to have had a good relationship and I thought all was well, but a little over three weeks ago I discovered she was having a full blown physical affair with a contractor who had worked on our house. When I followed her to his apartment and confronted them together, she made a huge scene and she and him both attacked me together. I managed to beat the crap out of him, but I ended up hitting her too and giving her a bloody nose. The neighbors called the cops and I was arrested. Her lover was arrested also on an outstanding drug warrant.


Congrats. I'm glad you won the fight and also glad she got her nose bloodied for teaming up against you with old boy. Who knows what would have happened to you if you went down. You sent a clear message. That you are a man and you will defend yourself.



BashfulBull said:


> I was charged with misdemeanor assault and I made my own bail that same night. When I got home around 3:00 a.m. my wife was not there. She was probably at her skanky girlfriend’s house crying on her shoulder. I told my stepson what had happened, then I packed my personal belongings and my guns and valuables up in my truck and I left that same morning. I immediately went to the bank and pulled out about $10,000 from an account we share. Then I drove away and have not been back home since.


Good, your done. Old skanky friend is the one who probably motivated her to get to cheating on you.



BashfulBull said:


> I am currently staying with a buddy at his place in a little unknown town about two states away. He has gotten me a job driving for his trucking company and I have no intention of going back to my cheating wife. Of course she has been texting me non-stop since that night, claiming she wants me back, that she has broken up with her lover, and apologizing for attacking me along with her boyfriend. She claims she was only trying to keep me from hurting him because I am much stronger ad bigger than him. But it is a lie. She attacked me because she was mad at me for breaking up her affair, and because she has a vicious temper.


Your probably sexy as hell to her now. But it's not your problem. NO body made her give herself to him, and if she didn't put you in the situation you wouldn't have gone to jail nor wasted your money to get her out.



BashfulBull said:


> Her son is pissed at her too and he went and told all her family what she had done. He called me the other day to tell me she had kicked him out of the house after she found out he outed her to the in-laws.


Hmm.



BashfulBull said:


> Everyone is texting me and calling me and wondering where I am. I have told no one where I am at and now that I have a job here I feel I can start over.


Worry about yourself and your money for a while. Life will be better, it always is when you remove a betrayer from your life and love yourself.



BashfulBull said:


> My question is, can I divorce my wife from the state I am currently living in, which has much more fairer divorce laws than the state my wife is in, or do I have to file in the state where she lives? I’m afraid if I try to divorce her back in her state she will be able to get more from me than she deserves.


Consult with the pro's. Personally I don't think she should get anything from you.



BashfulBull said:


> I also want to know from all of you if I should go back and confront my wife. My buddy has told me I can stay as long as I need and until I get a place here. But he also says I should not run from my problems. I don’t think I’m running from my problems. From where I am at I am able to think a lot clearer than I would if I was back there. Also, I’m afraid I would let her talk me into taking her back which I promised myself I would never do. She knew that cheating was the one thing that would break us up for sure. Well she did it and now she can choke on it. But I wanted to know what you all think.


He's not seeing it clearly. It's not good to run from problems, but what sense does it make by trying to be king-king back there? You will get into more trouble, and being around it will keep it on your mind. Make your money man.


----------



## Jasel

Trey you're responding to his post from a year ago lol. Lots of updates in between a year ago and today


----------



## GusPolinski

Welcome to 2013, treyvion.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## treyvion

GusPolinski said:


> Welcome to 2013, treyvion.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Oh, this is how bashfulbull's story got started, it sounded like it was fresh...

I remember the name from around here.


----------



## Mr Blunt

I am a betrayed spouse (BS) and it gives me no joy to see a woman devastated like BB’s ex-wife even if she did commit infidelity. *Who wants to pay the full price, without any mercy, for the wrongs that you did?*

Even if someone thinks that she is not worth the dirt that we walk on she is still a mother and I am sure she has hopes and dreams for her son and herself. It is really very SAD SAD SAD that she has to pay such a price for her mistakes. Being in prison, being kept away from your loved ones, and maybe she is feeling that she is not loved by anyone is enough punishment. Now she has to be tied up because her mental and emotional state has exploded.

I am very glad that BB is recovering so well because he deserves it. I just hope that BB’s ex-wife gets better. It benefits no one for her to have to suffer the 100-ton karma bus with out some mercy.


----------



## treyvion

EI said:


> Well, you could steer him towards TAM. Let him read a few stories in CWI. That might turn him away from all women for a while....... hopefully, just not for the rest of his life.
> 
> How old are he and his girlfriend?


What's CWI? I mean we have enough tragedy on TAM and I can't imagine that there is a place several times worse.


----------



## GusPolinski

treyvion said:


> EI said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well, you could steer him towards TAM. Let him read a few stories in CWI. That might turn him away from all women for a while....... hopefully, just not for the rest of his life.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How old are he and his girlfriend?
> 
> 
> 
> What's CWI? I mean we have enough tragedy on TAM and I can't imagine that there is a place several times worse.
Click to expand...

Lol. Forget your meds today?

CWI = Coping With Infidelity... i.e. the TAM sub-forum on which you're posting.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## 3putt

treyvion said:


> *What's CWI? * I mean we have enough tragedy on TAM and I can't imagine that there is a place several times worse.


Uh, you're here. *C*oping *W*ith *I*nfidelity.


----------



## illwill

I also hope his wife finds her way. It must be sad to be so conscious of your mistakes, and how far you truly have fallen, because of them.

Never take pleasure in anothers pain. Hopefully peace will find her soon. We all deserve mercy sometimes.

She made one good decision and that was picking a husband. You have handled this with sympathy and class.

Happy 4th.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Wow, Trey must be drunk posting from a BBQ. LOL 0 for 2.


----------



## BashfulB

Thank you all for the replies and support. Hope you all had an enjoyable 4th. 

Yeah I do feel bad for her. Deep down underneath she's essentially a decent person. I've seen her at her best. But I never imagined she would go downhill so fast. She's got a horrible temper, but she is not tough. I imagine there are many many women in that prison who could smear her across the concrete. And I must admit I do worry about how she is being treated. My hope is that whatever this psychological break she is having has nothing to do with any abuse from other inmates. 

Even my fiancée (who has developed a hatred of my ex without ever having met her) said to me the other day "That poor woman. It must be like waking up in hell every day." This occasion is the only time she has shown my ex any sympathy. My fiancée is extremely protective of me.


----------



## BashfulB

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Wow, Trey must be drunk posting from a BBQ. LOL 0 for 2.


Trey is okay. 

You know if you had told me I would lose my ex wife to drugs and adultery, move away to another state, divorce my ex, watch my ex self destruct with meth, get arrested, get sentenced to probation, abscond from probation, get caught, get her probation revoked, get sent to prison, and for me to find another woman and get engaged, all in the space of around a year, I would have told you you were bonkers. Sometimes it still feels like a dream. 

But the worst sufferer is my stepson. He's currently in basic training, and he does not need this crap right now.


----------



## lordmayhem

BashfulBull said:


> Thank you all for the replies and support. Hope you all had an enjoyable 4th.
> 
> Yeah I do feel bad for her. Deep down underneath she's essentially a decent person. I've seen her at her best. But I never imagined she would go downhill so fast. She's got a horrible temper, but she is not tough. I imagine there are many many women in that prison who could smear her across the concrete. And I must admit I do worry about how she is being treated. My hope is that whatever this psychological break she is having has nothing to do with any abuse from other inmates.


The sad truth is that even if she spends some years in prison getting clean, the odds are that when she gets out, she'll be right back on the meth. Your XW's situation is similar to others I've seen. It's very rare that they bounce back, so much so that the person who does kick it, is the exception rather than the rule from what I've seen. 

You've already seen a glimpse of it. She was in jail a few weeks, then within hours of getting out, she was right back in it getting her fix. It's sad, sad, sad. 

Sometimes, I have to go through someone's criminal history. I go way back sometimes, and I see from earlier reports that this person once had a life, a family, a job, etc. Then they get on meth and it's downhill from that point on. 

Maybe your XW will be one of the exceptions I hope. It's tragic to see anyone's life destroyed by meth.


----------



## illwill

lordmayhem said:


> The sad truth is that even if she spends some years in prison getting clean, the odds are that when she gets out, she'll be right back on the meth. Your XW's situation is similar to others I've seen. It's very rare that they bounce back, so much so that the person who does kick it, is the exception rather than the rule from what I've seen.
> 
> You've already seen a glimpse of it. She was in jail a few weeks, then within hours of getting out, she was right back in it getting her fix. It's sad, sad, sad.
> 
> Sometimes, I have to go through someone's criminal history. I go way back sometimes, and I see from earlier reports that this person once had a life, a family, a job, etc. Then they get on meth and it's downhill from that point on.
> 
> Maybe your XW will be one of the exceptions I hope. It's tragic to see anyone's life destroyed by meth.


I worked at a rehab facility and many people do actually get off it.

It depends on their support system and how hard they hit the bottom.

There is always hope.

Maybe one day BB can reach out to her to show her she can still be forgiven and be happy.

How we survive in life, is that our hope outlast our torment.


----------



## EI

illwill said:


> How we survive in life, is that our hope outlast our torment.



:iagree:

Amen! Thank you so much for saying that. That can be applied to every single area of our life. I've always said that I could endure just about any hardship that life threw at me as long as I had just a little bit of hope that things could get better. Take away my hope and I am defeated.


----------



## BashfulB

We'll it turns out they had my ex on some kind of medication that caused her to flip out. My Stepson told me she was being treated for depression by the prison psychiatrist. They stabilized her at the psych hospital and then sent her back to the detention center yesterday. So I guess she's okay. 

Anyway that's all he knows.

I have completed five new knives. I'll post some pics later and you guys can critique my work.


----------



## BashfulB

Just an update if anyone is still interested. 

On the positive side, I finally got the job as a bus driver for the school district here in the town I live in. I will be driving one of the rural routes, so I will have to get up real early every morning. I have to complete a state mandated training course starting in October. I'm very excited. I also will be on call to drive the sports teams out of county to games and meets. I've given my employer my one month notice. I'm really excited. No more hauling concrete and sand. 

Things are going great with my fiancée. We are falling deeper in love every day. I can't believe I actually broke up with this woman for a time when we were dating. She's straight as an arrow, caring and sexy as a woman can be. She wears me out. Our wedding is slated for sometime this December. It's going to be a small private affair. We live in a tiny little house on a quiet street and we live a very simple life. But we love it and we love each other. My hope is that we grow old and fat and stay together till the universe forgets about us and in the end all we have is each other. I think that's the way it was meant to be. 

My stepson graduated basic and is now attending some Air Force training school back east. He's happy, not dating (smart man) and we are still close. He calls and emails me every week. 

My exWW is still doing time. She has not contacted me, and my SS has only talked to her three or four times since she landed in the pen. I have no clue how she is doing or surviving. I still think about her, sometimes I shed a tear for the death of the woman she was, and I do still fear for her future. Yes, she hurt me in the worst way a woman can, but she's not evil, and I can't bring myself to hate her. I just feel bad for her and worry for her safety.


----------



## happy as a clam

Thanks for the update BB. Clearly, you have a big heart


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

BashfulBull said:


> *Just an update if anyone is still interested. *


We'll always be interested in hearing how you are doing.

It's also a big help and boost to the newly found BS's seeing that not only is there a life after infidelity and divorce, but that it can be an even better life also. Darkest hour before the dawn kinda thing.

You're a good man. It's been nice to see how things turned around for you. Or should I say, how you've turned things around for yourself.

Thanks for the update, they're always nice to read. Take care.


----------



## OptimisticPessimist

happy as a clam said:


> Thanks for the update BB. Clearly, you have a big heart





GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> We'll always be interested in hearing how you are doing.
> 
> It's also a big help and boost to the newly found BS's seeing that not only is there a life after infidelity and divorce, but that it can be an even better life also. Darkest hour before the dawn kinda thing.
> 
> You're a good man. It's been nice to see how things turned around for you. Or should I say, how you've turned things around for yourself.
> 
> Thanks for the update, they're always nice to read. Take care.


:iagree:

No qualification necessary- youre always welcome to post here. Good to hear things are well.


----------



## happyman64

Nice update BB and I am glad you are moving on.

Glad to hear you keep in touch with your StepSon.

I think that is good for both of you.

There is nothing wrong with having compassion for your Exwife. I truly hope she gets the help she needs and becomes a better, healthier person in the future.


----------



## wmn1

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update if anyone is still interested.
> 
> On the positive side, I finally got the job as a bus driver for the school district here in the town I live in. I will be driving one of the rural routes, so I will have to get up real early every morning. I have to complete a state mandated training course starting in October. I'm very excited. I also will be on call to drive the sports teams out of county to games and meets. I've given my employer my one month notice. I'm really excited. No more hauling concrete and sand.
> 
> Things are going great with my fiancée. We are falling deeper in love every day. I can't believe I actually broke up with this woman for a time when we were dating. She's straight as an arrow, caring and sexy as a woman can be. She wears me out. Our wedding is slated for sometime this December. It's going to be a small private affair. We live in a tiny little house on a quiet street and we live a very simple life. But we love it and we love each other. My hope is that we grow old and fat and stay together till the universe forgets about us and in the end all we have is each other. I think that's the way it was meant to be.
> 
> My stepson graduated basic and is now attending some Air Force training school back east. He's happy, not dating (smart man) and we are still close. He calls and emails me every week.
> 
> My exWW is still doing time. She has not contacted me, and my SS has only talked to her three or four times since she landed in the pen. I have no clue how she is doing or surviving. I still think about her, sometimes I shed a tear for the death of the woman she was, and I do still fear for her future. Yes, she hurt me in the worst way a woman can, but she's not evil, and I can't bring myself to hate her. I just feel bad for her and worry for her safety.



Congrats on your good work


----------



## Openminded

Yes, we do care very much how your life is going. That was a terrific update.


----------



## bandit.45

BB you're an inspiration. I'm glad life is finally going well for you. It sounds like your fiancée is a good woman. 

I just have to ask though. Has your exWW found out about your engagement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EI

BB, every time you post, you remind us of what class, integrity, character, confidence, compassion, and mercy, all rolled into one, looks like. 

I wish you and your fiancé a lifetime of health and happiness. I think it is absolutely wonderful that you have maintained a relationship with your ex-wife's son, and that you still refer to him as your step-son. I hope that relationship continues to be a blessing for both of you in the years to come. 

Like you, I hope that your ex-wife is safe. I pray that she will one day be a clean and sober, recovering addict. I know many families who lives have been affected by addiction, my own included. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch someone you love, destroy their life, and the lives of those who love them, all while being powerless to stop them.


----------



## jim123

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update if anyone is still interested.
> 
> On the positive side, I finally got the job as a bus driver for the school district here in the town I live in. I will be driving one of the rural routes, so I will have to get up real early every morning. I have to complete a state mandated training course starting in October. I'm very excited. I also will be on call to drive the sports teams out of county to games and meets. I've given my employer my one month notice. I'm really excited. No more hauling concrete and sand.
> 
> Things are going great with my fiancée. We are falling deeper in love every day. I can't believe I actually broke up with this woman for a time when we were dating. She's straight as an arrow, caring and sexy as a woman can be. She wears me out. Our wedding is slated for sometime this December. It's going to be a small private affair. We live in a tiny little house on a quiet street and we live a very simple life. But we love it and we love each other. My hope is that we grow old and fat and stay together till the universe forgets about us and in the end all we have is each other. I think that's the way it was meant to be.
> 
> My stepson graduated basic and is now attending some Air Force training school back east. He's happy, not dating (smart man) and we are still close. He calls and emails me every week.
> 
> My exWW is still doing time. She has not contacted me, and my SS has only talked to her three or four times since she landed in the pen. I have no clue how she is doing or surviving. I still think about her, sometimes I shed a tear for the death of the woman she was, and I do still fear for her future. Yes, she hurt me in the worst way a woman can, but she's not evil, and I can't bring myself to hate her. I just feel bad for her and worry for her safety.


Good for you. You deserve to be happy.


----------



## thummper

BashfulBull said:


> Just an update if anyone is still interested.
> 
> On the positive side, I finally got the job as a bus driver for the school district here in the town I live in. I will be driving one of the rural routes, so I will have to get up real early every morning. I have to complete a state mandated training course starting in October. I'm very excited. I also will be on call to drive the sports teams out of county to games and meets. I've given my employer my one month notice. I'm really excited. No more hauling concrete and sand.
> 
> Things are going great with my fiancée. We are falling deeper in love every day. I can't believe I actually broke up with this woman for a time when we were dating. She's straight as an arrow, caring and sexy as a woman can be. She wears me out. Our wedding is slated for sometime this December. It's going to be a small private affair. We live in a tiny little house on a quiet street and we live a very simple life. But we love it and we love each other. My hope is that we grow old and fat and stay together till the universe forgets about us and in the end all we have is each other. I think that's the way it was meant to be.
> 
> My stepson graduated basic and is now attending some Air Force training school back east. He's happy, not dating (smart man) and we are still close. He calls and emails me every week.
> 
> My exWW is still doing time. She has not contacted me, and my SS has only talked to her three or four times since she landed in the pen. I have no clue how she is doing or surviving. *I still think about her, sometimes I shed a tear for the death of the woman she was, and I do still fear for her future. Yes, she hurt me in the worst way a woman can, but she's not evil, and I can't bring myself to hate her. I just feel bad for her and worry for her safety.*




The true sign of a caring and compassionate man.


----------



## Forest

A little house on a quiet street in a little town. Perfect recipe for getting rid of the crap in your life.

Very glad the SS is in the USAF, he'll grow up and learn a ton there. Could make a career, or at the least will get top notch training.


----------



## BashfulB

bandit.45 said:


> BB you're an inspiration. I'm glad life is finally going well for you. It sounds like your fiancée is a good woman.
> 
> I just have to ask though. Has your exWW found out about your engagement?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she knows I'm engaged. My SS called her and told her a month or so back. I think all she said was "Oh really?" He said she really didn't ask much or say much about it and changed the subject. I don't think she thinks about me too much anymore. That is good. She needs to be focusing on staying clean.


----------



## BashfulB

Forest said:


> A little house on a quiet street in a little town. Perfect recipe for getting rid of the crap in your life.
> 
> Very glad the SS is in the USAF, he'll grow up and learn a ton there. Could make a career, or at the least will get top notch training.


Yes it's a little place. It can't be more than 1,000 s.f. We're renting right now but if my fiancee sells her old house (which is an enormous four bedroom, three bath 3,500 s.f. ranch style) then we will most likely buy this place. Her daughters are living in her old house right now but they are grown and will be leaving the area soon. 

This little place is perfect for us. It's easy to maintain, has a huge yard for a garden, and because my fiancée in the early stages of rheumatoid arthritis, it will be easier for her to get around in and take care of if I die before her.


----------



## Mr Blunt

BB thanks for the uplifting update!!

I remember some of your first posts and they could make a grown man cry. Your situation was really bad because she took the other man’s side and jumped on you.
That is all in the past and I really d hope that she gets better. She is human and a mom and no one gains by her ruined life but she can do a lot better and have same contentment in life if she takes the right steps.

You are getting the job you want, have a lovely lady; both crazy about each other and she wears you out, you have a tiny house on a quiet street, and you are living the simple life with a smile on your face. That is about as good as it gets and goes to show that you have a lot to do with making your life great!


The tear you shed, your refusal to give into hate, you telling people that she is not evil, and worrying about her safety proves that a good heart cannot be destroyed by infidelity. In fact you are not the Raging Bull but the Bashful Bull that gives so much encouragement to those that have been knocked to the ground by infidelity. Thanks *again for such an uplifting update Rocky, uh I mean BB.*


----------



## missthelove2013

GREAT UPDATE!
Glad to hear you are doing well...every time I come to TAM I look for your thread to check for updates...I wont say its my favorite as it is a chronicle of comeplete hell and torture you went through, but it really is one of the best TAM threads I have read...it should be a sticky on how to handle a horrible situation with class, integrity, and honor...and how to NOT be a door matt!!!

The remark about the universe forgetting about us for some reason choked me up a little...after my divorce, I will NEVER EVER get married again...doesnt look likely I will grow old with anyone...


----------



## azteca1986

Just saw your update, Bashfullull. 

Your happiness and contentment is radiating of you! It's a genuine pleasure to see a man who can appreciate that which is truly important and find containment in leading a simple life.
It was clear to see you were a good man from the way you conducted yourself and, today, in the positive influence you've had on your SS.

All the best to you and you fiancée.


----------



## BashfulB

Happy New Years everyone!

Just thought I'd stop by for an update. 

Well, my fiancée is not longer my fiancée 


SHE'S MY WIFE! 

Right after Christmas we decided we were tired of waiting so we grabbed her daughters, I grabbed some pals, and we all went down to the local magistrate's office and tied the knot. My friend had his laptop with him so my stepson could serve as Best Man via Skype. He was crying when it was over. Hell, we were all crying.

When she and I are together we are either hugging, kissing, making love or laughing about something. Total bliss. When I'm at work, I'm missing her and cannot wait to get home. She texts me about twenty times a day telling me how much she misses me. 

The honeymoon is on hold until we save up some money. Looks like Hawaii is the goal. 

As for the ex-WW. My stepson has heard little from her since she was released from prison. Last he heard she was back cleaning hotel rooms. My hope is that she is going to treatment and staying clean, otherwise I find myself thinking less and less about her. I don't harbor any anger towards her anymore. I believe I have moved towards indifference, although I do wish her well.

I finally feel like my heart has healed.


----------



## Clay2013

That is great. Congrats. 

It sounds like its a great New Year  

Clay


----------



## 3putt

Just awesome!!! 

Congrats, BB!


----------



## Chaparral

Now that's a Merry Christmas wedding. Good luck

Be sure to stay up on the mmslp book and don't go too domesticated. Lol


----------



## LongWalk

Say hi to Ikaika (Drerio) when you visit Hawaii


----------



## EI

You and bff are two of the most inspirational examples of BS's, on TAM, (along with my B1 ) who have shown by their words, deeds, and actions how to triumph over tragedy, and come out stronger, healthier, and happier. Neither of you sunk to the levels that your WS's did, nor did you waste precious moments of your time seeking out vengeance on those whose actions have brought you harm. Instead, your focus became your own healing and recovery, which not only did not include a desire for retribution, but instead an extension of compassion and mercy. 

Your continued relationship with your step-son, along with his willingness to be your best man, speaks volumes about your character. The fact that you genuinely wish your ex-wife well, puts you in line for sainthood. Your choices in the aftermath of your ex-wife's infidelity, have nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. The world would be a much better place with more men like BashfulBull in it. 

Congratulations to you and the new Mrs. BashfulBull. I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be a very good year for you! It couldn't be happening to a more deserving man.


----------



## just got it 55

EI said:


> You and bff are two of the most inspirational examples of BS's, on TAM, (along with my B1 ) who have shown by their words, deeds, and actions how to triumph over tragedy, and come out stronger, healthier, and happier. Neither of you sunk to the levels that your WS's did, nor did you waste precious moments of your time seeking out vengeance on those whose actions have brought you harm. Instead, your focus became your own healing and recovery, which not only did not include a desire for retribution, but instead an extension of compassion and mercy.
> 
> Your continued relationship with your step-son, along with his willingness to be your best man, speaks volumes about your character. The fact that you genuinely wish your ex-wife well, puts you in line for sainthood. Your choices in the aftermath of your ex-wife's infidelity, have nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. The world would be a much better place with more men like BashfulBull in it.
> 
> Congratulations to you and the new Mrs. BashfulBull. I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be a very good year for you! It couldn't be happening to a more deserving man.


Beautifully put EI

BB has always displayed extraordinary character 

Good for you BB

How is SS doing in the AF (IS IT )?

55


----------



## chaos

*BashfulBull = ClassyGuy*


----------



## ConanHub

Satisfying.&#55357;&#56847;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farsidejunky

That is absolutely awesome, brother. You had fallen into a bucket of ****, and due to being the person you are, come out smelling like a rose.

Great update again.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> By BB
> I finally feel like my heart has healed.


Man o Man do we need your kind of encouragement here at TAM.

We have run a few real good men off like B1 and John Adams but glad we still have a few left like you! Thank goodness we still have EI, although I would not doubt that this is her last year. 
Thanks BB for your uplifting life!


----------



## tom67

Mr Blunt said:


> Man o Man do we need your kind of encouragement here at TAM.
> 
> We have run a few real good men off like B1 and John Adams but glad we still have a few left like you! Thank goodness we still have EI, although I would not doubt that this is her last year.
> Thanks BB for your uplifting life!


Totally agree:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## BashfulB

EI said:


> You and bff are two of the most inspirational examples of BS's, on TAM, (along with my B1 ) who have shown by their words, deeds, and actions how to triumph over tragedy, and come out stronger, healthier, and happier. Neither of you sunk to the levels that your WS's did, nor did you waste precious moments of your time seeking out vengeance on those whose actions have brought you harm. Instead, your focus became your own healing and recovery, which not only did not include a desire for retribution, but instead an extension of compassion and mercy.
> 
> Your continued relationship with your step-son, along with his willingness to be your best man, speaks volumes about your character. The fact that you genuinely wish your ex-wife well, puts you in line for sainthood. Your choices in the aftermath of your ex-wife's infidelity, have nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. The world would be a much better place with more men like BashfulBull in it.
> 
> Congratulations to you and the new Mrs. BashfulBull. I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be a very good year for you! It couldn't be happening to a more deserving man.


Thank you very much E1. I am humbled.


----------



## BashfulB

just got it 55 said:


> Beautifully put EI
> 
> BB has always displayed extraordinary character
> 
> Good for you BB
> 
> How is SS doing in the AF (IS IT )?
> 
> 55


He is doing well. He will be serving as an ammunition/ordinance loader on A-10 Warthogs. Basically he will be the one to load the big Gatling gun and the bombs onto the planes. Not sure what the actual designation is. At this moment he is training at Camp Shelby in Mississippi. He will get his permanent assignment next month.


----------



## BashfulB

Oh, and my bride gave me a great wedding/Christmas present. She bought me an awesome Delta belt sander for my knifemaking! Man life is soooo sweet right now!


----------



## jim123

Congrats. You are a man among men. You show all BH how it is done.


----------



## thummper

Yay! Way to go, BB!!! :yay: You two gave yourselves the best Christmas present of all: Happiness. I wish you both a lot of it. :toast: I was going to wish you "Happy New Year," but given the circumstances, I think that's already a given.


----------



## sidney2718

Great news BB! I wish you and your bride the best of everything!


----------



## Squeakr

EI said:


> Neither of you sunk to the levels that your WS's did, nor did you waste precious moments of your time seeking out vengeance on those whose actions have brought you harm.


You forget that BB did get to beat the @ss of the OM/drug dealer. So he did get closure and a level of retribution on the OM that most will never get, also the WW was removed from the house for prison, so his separation, and impending D was facilitated by the state as well and is a major Karma (if one believes in that) or somewhat satisfying result as he gets to see her get some "punishment" for her actions (which most will never get to see in their lifetime) . Most have to fight over removal of the WS, division of property, custody battles, and such that he never had to deal with any of this due to jail playing a part. He had help, that most here never get, from the state. I can say in my case it would have been much easier if the STBXW was removed from the situation and facing jail time due to her activities (which are still criminal offenses in my state, yet the state cares not to prosecute) as it would have tipped ALL the scales in my favor.

Great to hear BB that things are moving along great for you. Live your new life and enjoy.


----------



## G.J.

I only read your post a few weeks ago but I'm so happy for you both and to see some thing so good arise from some thing so bad is what dreams are made from

Congratulation's to both of you on the start of a new life together


----------



## BashfulB

Squeakr said:


> You forget that BB did get to beat the @ss of the OM/drug dealer. So he did get closure and a level of retribution on the OM that most will never get, also the WW was removed from the house for prison, so his separation, and impending D was facilitated by the state as well and is a major Karma (if one believes in that) or somewhat satisfying result as he gets to see her get some "punishment" for her actions (which most will never get to see in their lifetime) . Most have to fight over removal of the WS, division of property, custody battles, and such that he never had to deal with any of this due to jail playing a part. He had help, that most here never get, from the state. I can say in my case it would have been much easier if the STBXW was removed from the situation and facing jail time due to her activities (which are still criminal offenses in my state, yet the state cares not to prosecute) as it would have tipped ALL the scales in my favor.
> 
> Great to hear BB that things are moving along great for you. Live your new life and enjoy.


Thank you. You bring up a lot of good points.

I don't recommend beating up the OM. It just sort of happened to me. I'm lucky I didn't get jail time for it. I didn't go to his apartment that day looking for a fight. 

In many ways I had it easy compared to the majority of betrayed posters here on TAM. No kids and lots of geographic separation. If I can advise a BS to anything, it is to get as far as possible physically and emotionally from your WS (as feasible) after the affair. You have to have perspective. You cannot get perspective having them around badgering you and reminding you of what they did on a day to day basis. If at all possible get them to leave or move out for a few weeks, then don't contact them. Get your perspective and get your head together. I'm so glad I did. 

I feel so bad for BS with kids who don't have that option.


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## Pinche Culero

Hey guys, remember that BB was "i just wanna talk to him"


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## workindad

BashfulBull said:


> Happy New Years everyone!
> 
> Just thought I'd stop by for an update.
> 
> Well, my fiancée is not longer my fiancée
> 
> 
> SHE'S MY WIFE!
> 
> 
> 
> I finally feel like my heart has healed.



BB- OUTSTANDING POST!!

I am very happy for you and the new Mrs. BB and am toasting to your new marriage with a bit of Woodford Reserve double oaked bourbon. I was looking for an excuse to open the bottle!

Best wishes!
WD


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## BashfulB

You all may be wondering why I have been posting so much over the last week. Well I've been on vacation pending the start of my new school bus driving gig next Monday. I finished my required driver's course and I will be replacing a venerable old lady who will be retiring tomorrow. 

Her name is Gladys. Isn't that a great name for a school bus driver?  She is 66 and has been driving the same bus on the same rural route for ....get this... 40 years!!! Just like that lady on _Forrest Gump_! I rode with her on her route yesterday and we had a great time talking about the kids and her long career. She has seen...it...all... 

She's a hell of a lady. She doesn't look her age, and she has arms like a linebacker! :rofl:

They are having a big retirement party for her at the elementary school tomorrow and the mayor, school board, and everyone will be attending. She asked me to come too so I will be going. I think I might feel sheepish since I will be the one replacing her, but she wants to introduce me to some of the parents who will be coming. 

I remember I had a bus driver just like hers. His name was Stan and I think he drove the schoolbus for something like 35 years or so.


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## Yeswecan

BashfulBull said:


> You all may be wondering why I have been posting so much over the last week. Well I've been on vacation pending the start of my new school bus driving gig next Monday. I finished my required driver's course and I will be replacing a venerable old lady who will be retiring tomorrow.
> 
> Her name is Gladys. Isn't that a great name for a school bus driver?  She is 66 and has been driving the same bus on the same rural route for ....get this... 40 years!!! Just like that lady on _Forrest Gump_! I rode with her on her route yesterday and we had a great time talking about the kids and her long career. She has seen...it...all...
> 
> She's a hell of a lady. She doesn't look her age, and she has arms like a linebacker! :rofl:
> 
> They are having a big retirement party for her at the elementary school tomorrow and the mayor, school board, and everyone will be attending. She asked me to come too so I will be going. I think I might feel sheepish since I will be the one replacing her, but she wants to introduce me to some of the parents who will be coming.
> 
> I remember I had a bus driver just like hers. His name was Stan and I think he drove the schoolbus for something like 35 years or so.


That is great! Yes, go meet some of the parents. The parents like to see and meet the person they are entrusting their child too. 

I had the same bus driver through my entire grade school. Dave. Great guy. Had a stereo in the bus and played the popular songs of the day. Always on time and dependable. Holidays like Christmas he would dress like Santa. Give candy at Halloween. Dave got a speeding ticket driving us to school one day from Officer Speed. Yes, that was the Officer name. Funny sitting in a big yellow bus full of kids getting a ticket! Famous in our neck of the woods for catching speeders that Officer Speed. 

Enjoy the new job!!


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## Squeakr

Still remember mine and his name was Clarence and he drove the same route for like 30 years. 

I also think Gladys is a better name for a lunch lady. Enjoy the new gig.


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## Jasel

I had one named Lori or Laura. She drove my bus from 1st grade to 5th. I still remember her. I saw her once in high school driving a bus but that was like 12 or 13 years ago. I wouldn't be surprised if she was still driving though 


Anyway I'm glad things are working out for you.:smthumbup:


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## BashfulB

Update:

Bad news. My ex-wife's roommate came home from work and found my ex face down on the living room floor. Now she is in ICU in a coma. I guess it does not look good. I just got through talking to my stepson because I had to transfer him some money to fly to see her. The hospital told him that her collapse does not appear to be drug related. My stepson says that he called her last week and she was telling him that she had been clean since getting out of jail and rehab, and that she was happy and feeling good. He said she sounded for real. He could always tell when she was lying to him and she sounded like she was being honest with him. So who knows? 

Anyways, I'll check back in when I find out what happened.


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## Borntohang

Sorry BB! I've followed your saga from the beginning...But I don't wish this on anyone. Prayers to your stepson.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Sorry. She may have been telling the truth. I've known a few people who cleaned up, but the damage to their body was already to severe.

Just be there for your son.


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## LongWalk

Sorry. She was a good person but her addiction to drugs ruined her life.


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## MattMatt

Oh, damn. Her poor son!


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## EI

I'm so sorry to read this, BB. But, even now, your character shines through. There is quite simply not a bad bone in your body. I'll be praying for your ex-wife's recovery. But, if that is not to be, I'll be praying for peace and comfort for your step-son. And, for you, as well. Because, I believe that on some level, you still had a small place in your heart that, at the very least, wished her well. I know I did.


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## Dogbert

I truly hope she makes it and makes a complete recovery.

BB, you are still a classy guy.


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## jim123

I hope your x recovers. You have shown your step son the type of man he should become. You are amazing.


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## farsidejunky

Wow, BB. I admire that you still continue to support your step son. It shows what you are made of, brother.


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## BashfulB

Son called when he got there. She is still in ICU but she is stable for the time being. She has meningitis.


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## EI

BashfulBull said:


> Son called when he got there. She is still in ICU but she is stable for the time being. She has meningitis.


Did he say whether it was bacterial or viral? It sounds like it may be bacterial which is, of course, far more serious. Is she still in a coma? Please keep us updated, BB.


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## Mike11

I Think the other way around Bacterial can be treated with Antibiotics the viral has no medicine that can work on


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## BashfulB

I think she has the bacterial type. My SS just called me a little while ago and said they have moved her from "critical" to "guarded". I don't know what that means but apparently she has improved a little.


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## Mr Blunt

Bull, the fact that your step son keep s you informed tells me that you are somewhat a stabling force for him. A son can never let go of his mother no matter what; poor boy.

No matter what she has done she is still a mother and still has the possibility to help her son and herself

Thanks for the updates Bull!


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## MattMatt

Mike11 said:


> I Think the other way around Bacterial can be treated with Antibiotics the viral has no medicine that can work on


Actually they use anti-virals should it be a severe case.


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## Affaircare

*Viral meningitis*
The viral form of meningitis is more common and is sometimes referred to as "aseptic meningitis." Viral meningitis is caused by a number of different viral infections including mumps, herpes, Epstein-Barr, varicella zoster (the virus that causes chickenpox), measles and influenza.

*Diagnosis*
Doctors diagnose viral meningitis by collecting spinal fluid through a spinal tap and having it analyzed in a lab. If no bacteria are detected in the fluid but the patient is exhibiting the signs and symptoms of meningitis, the patient is thought to have viral meningitis. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that symptoms for viral meningitis either appear quickly or manifest over several days -- usually following a cold, runny nose, diarrhea, vomiting or other signs of infection. Illness from viral meningitis generally lasts seven to 10 days, and the patient typically sees a full recovery.
______

*Bacterial meningitis*
Bacterial meningitis is the result of a bacterial infection that attacks the body rapidly. Patients who contract bacterial meningitis exhibit the same flu-like signs and symptoms as the viral form of the disease, but their symptoms worsen within hours rather than days.

*Diagnosis*
As with viral meningitis, this form can be diagnosed only by collecting spinal fluid with a spinal tap. If the bacterium that causes the infection is detected, it can be treated with intense antibiotics that can reduce the risk of death. Lack of treatment or complications from bacterial meningitis include hearing loss, blindness, loss of speech and memory, brain damage, paralysis, kidney and adrenal gland failure, shock and death.
_______________

Sounds bacterial to me if the onset was very sudden like that.


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## Forest

Without re-threading all this, it seems she has a drug history which has likely contributed, correct?

I imagine part of the problem is the great unknown of pre-existing damage to organs thru drug use, and the sketchy impact on the medical history. Too much flying blind for the docs.


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## BashfulB

Forest said:


> Without re-threading all this, it seems she has a drug history which has likely contributed, correct?
> 
> I imagine part of the problem is the great unknown of pre-existing damage to organs thru drug use, and the sketchy impact on the medical history. Too much flying blind for the docs.


She was never a healthy person, even back when we were married. She has celiac disease, which always cause her problems with her digestion. I can't fathom what using meth and ingesting all those toxins did to her, but I imagine her immune system is all messed up.


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## BashfulB

Well I guess she is out of danger. My SS said that she was awake this morning and talking a little. She was disoriented and didn't know where she was and she panicked a little when she came to. My SS said the doctor told him she had a fever of 104 when they brought her in. I guess the biggest fear they have is that she may have suffered brain damage, but they won't know for sure until her fever is completely gone. It has gone down so I guess whatever they are giving her is working. My son says she looks like a 70 year old woman. She's in her mid 40s. 

The Air Force only gave my son until Friday to get back to station, so some family member has to fly out there to stay with her until she gets released and goes home (if she goes home). I can imagine the acrimony going on in her family right now. None of them have the money to fly out to be with her, and no money to stay at a motel or rent a car when they get there. 

I am just waiting for the phone call from her mom or sister asking to borrow money.


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## Mike11

MattMatt said:


> Actually they use anti-virals should it be a severe case.


Sorry mate, there are no such thing as Anti Viral Meds for Meningitis

Only supportive this is why the Viral is so darn Dangerous 
Bacterial is treated with multiple wide range Antibiotics 
Unfortunately I do Speak from Experience.... 
Medscape: Medscape Access


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## thatbpguy

Despite everything, BB, I am glad your ex is doing better. I'd like to see beat her addictions and turn her life around.


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## BashfulB

Well I guess she is awake and talking now. She cannot sit up or eat yet, but my SS said the doctor told him that it does not look like she suffered brain damage. So that is good. Her blood screens came back clean, so apparently she has not been using. That's really good!

Let me tell you guys how messed up my SS says his mom is. She has anemia, she is about twenty five pounds underweight, she is malnourished, her blood chemistry is all out of whack, her heart is arrhythmic, and she shows signs of partial liver damage and cirrhosis.


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## thenub

I'm sorry to hear about this. 
I read your entire thread a while back. You sir, are one class act.


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## Forest

BashfulBull said:


> .... and she shows signs of partial liver damage and cirrhosis.


Long term drinker?


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## Truthseeker1

Hey @BashfulBull it's been awhile any updates? Hope you are doing well!!!


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## BashfulB

Not much to update. I guess that is a good thing! 

My new wife and I are very happy and still in honeymoon phase. We just got back from a ten day-long vacation. I took her to Disneyland in California of all places! She had never been there in her entire life and we had a blast, just the two of us. The drive was long and I'm tired but it was a fun road trip. We stopped and saw lots of sites along the way there and back, ate at some very good roadside diners and met a lot of nice people who were traveling just like us. I was glad to see I still have my truck driver's bladder. I only rarely had to stop to pee while my wife had to stop once an hour. Hahahahaha!

Work is going good. I'm now officially the schoolbus driver guy and I enjoy the kids. I'm fortunate that I don't have any nasty ones. Most of the kids I drive are good kids. Since summer vacation started I have been driving sand and gravel deliveries for the redi-mix company I used to work for. So I'm staying employed and keeping busy. 

My lovely wife, unfortunately, is starting to suffer more from her rheumatoid arthritis. She is only in her mid forties but it is already settling in and starting to cause her problems. In her case it is mostly in her back, neck and feet. For some odd reason it has not attacked her hands yet, but it is only a matter of time. She stays positive about it and rarely complains, but it hurts me to see her hurting. That doesn't keep her from jumping me every other day or so. When she wants some loving she doesn't wait for me to initiate. LOL! She is fun in bed. 

I have not heard much about the exWW. Last I talked to my stepson she had recovered from her illness and was back at work as a hotel maid, and apparently has been staying clean and going to NA. So that is a good thing. I hope she stays clean and figures out how to live some kind of decent life. I hold no grudges against her. She is/was a messed up person, and had she not cheated on me, and had I not gone through all that pain, I never would have met my wonderful wife. It worked out for me in the end and I count myself very fortunate. My stepson is serving in the US Air Force in Biloxi, MS and is doing very well.


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## Truthseeker1

@BashfulBull glad to hear you are doing well!!! I wish Mrs.Bull all the bes twith her health!!!


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## workindad

BB- fantastic update. I'm very happy for you and your new bride. It sounds like you have healed well and are better off now than you were before.

I wish you and your new bride all the happiness life has to offer.

WD


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## 3putt

Glad to hear this, Bull.

Live well, partner. You've earned it and deserve it.


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## Mr Blunt

Bull your thread is a very good one and we do not get many like this. ! You went through a very tough betrayal two years ago and you came out with a much better life. You were double crossed and you are not resentful against her and now you are grateful,* you are an encouragement to this forum.*


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## barbados

Great update BB !


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## jorgegene

"She is/was a messed up person, and had she not cheated on me, and had I not gone through all that pain, I never would have met my wonderful wife. It worked out for me in the end and I count myself very fortunate." BB

isn't it often true what BB says? all the pain we have to go through sometimes in bad or very flawed relationships. we think maybe we wasted our lives, or wasted years, but we didn't!
we were just fulfilling our destiny. meeting the person who we could finally be truly happy with. if i hadn't gone through what i did, i too wouldn't have met my present wife.
the world's biggest sweetheart!

great news BB!!


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## BashfulB

My wife is working tonight and I was bored so I came here to this thread and read it all the way through. It is weird. It's almost like I'm reading about a different person. I've changed a lot over the past two years. My life has totally changed. Its a really bizarre feeling.


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> My wife is working tonight and I was bored so I came here to this thread and read it all the way through. It is weird. It's almost like I'm reading about a different person. I've changed a lot over the past two years. My life has totally changed. Its a really bizarre feeling.


You fought for your happiness 100% Glad you are doing well my man!! :grin2:


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## tom67

Truthseeker1 said:


> You fought for your happiness 100% Glad you are doing well my man!! :grin2:


Call me crazy but I like happy endings:smile2:
No I didn't mean the massage parlor:x
Well...>


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## Clay2013

Just smile. She is gone you have a great life  

C


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## Mr Blunt

> By BashfulBull
> My wife is working tonight and I was bored so I came here to this thread and read it all the way through. It is weird. It's almost like I'm reading about a different person. I've changed a lot over the past two years. My life has totally changed. Its a really bizarre feeling.


You are a BS and you were cheated on big time. You are now so much better and have a very good life.

You are a strong testament that being a BS does not have to ruin your life or prevent you from having a very good life. Bull you have kicked Mr. Infidelity right in the ARSE and that is no bull!

Glad you are in our club of BSers that not only survived Infidelity but have thrived!


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## RandomDude

BashfulBull said:


> Her son is pissed at her too and he went and told all her family what she had done. He called me the other day to tell me *she had kicked him out of the house after she found out he outed her to the in-laws.*


How old is he?

Fking waste of space your STBXW is


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## carpenoctem

BashfulBull said:


> My wife is working tonight and I was bored so I came here to this thread and read it all the way through. It is weird. *It's almost like I'm reading about a different person. I've changed a lot over the past two years. My life has totally changed. * Its a really bizarre feeling.



Ah. I guess THIS is *180 Plus.*

The inscrutable Alchemy of the mind.

*This post should be put up as a permanent hoarding on the road to WSVille.* So that at least some of them dare to detour, despite the fear of change / the unknown / guilt of abandonment.

Congratulations, BB. Bashful man meets unabashed woman. That fits.

(Ironically, your XWW might also have been unabashed, though not in front of you.)

But that is an old story now. Your new story is more interesting.


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## anonfrank

Read the entire thread last night. So glad this was a happy ending for you. So sorry that your XWW is on the decline. 

Kudos on you for caring about your stepson. You are obviously a man of great character.

This thread shows how important it is to be true to yourself, and I try to be in my own marriage even with my wife's mental issues.

Thanks again for this thread.


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## Divinely Favored

Like you, my wife said she would go through all the pain from her 1st marriage, the constant cheating and the 5 mis-carries and all(thank God) to POS again if she had to to get to me.

That she never knew what it meant to be loved and what a marriage could be/ supposed to be until me.

I met her a month before divorce was final. She had enough and walked away with her clothes and truck. Left the house, all the band equipment she paid for and her cattle. She was done!

Married 18 yrs. last May. Two boys 15 and 10. Keeps getting better and better.


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## BashfulB

Thank you all for your kind replies. I have been waxing philosophical the last few days. I don't really know why. I feel changes coming soon and more storms on the horizon. 

My precious wife is on her last week as a booking officer for the county jail. They are moving her to Sheriff's department admin to do desk work until she retires in three years. Her arthritis is getting worse and she simply cannot handle the rigors of being a booking officer anymore. A woman in admin is retiring and my wife will be taking her place. She's depressed because she really likes her job. She is very good at what she does. She trains other detention officers and Sheriffs office workers in using the NCIC and III criminal databases, she trains DOs and deputies in fingerprinting. She is the department's go-to woman for that stuff. She will continue doing the trainings but she won't be on her feet anymore. 

She's also depressed because she cannot exercise and work out like she used to. Because of that her weight has been slowly climbing. So she and I have recently gone vegetarian. I never thought in a million years I would become a vegetarian. But if she has to, then I have to, as a show of solidarity. I'm overweight so it won't hurt me to change my diet anyways. 

Again, it is so strange how my life has changed over the last two years. And it is even more amazing how having someone in your life who loves you unconditionally, lusts after you, and supports your dreams, can make you feel like you can accomplish anything. 

I still read the threads and posts from the other BSs on this site, and they make me so sad. I see myself in them: the way I was almost two years ago when my world crashed down around me. 

I just want to tell all you recently betrayed spouses out there *never give up! Never stop fighting for your right to be loved and respected. Never give in to cruelty, and never, ever settle for second rate love from anyone. You all have someone out there who is waiting to give you all the love and passion you deserve! Just never stop believing.*

None of us should settle for half the love we deserve. I tell my bride I don't deserve her and she gently smacks my mouth and tells me never to say such things. She says she gets as much from me, and more, than she gives to me in return. I just don't see how that's possible.


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## carpenoctem

BashfulBull said:


> *Never give in to cruelty
> *



yeah.
when a spouse's actions cross over to cruelty, draw the line.
don't cheat oneself.

you made it out smiling and shining, sir. am sure glad to have made your acquaintance. 

a special salute to your wife.


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## chillymorn

Life is a crazy amazing ride! And your taking it by the Horne's! Continued success happiness to you and your wife!


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## TX-SC

First post here, and I'm giving it to you. Your story, while sad in many ways, is truly inspirational. I'm hoping your marriage is a long and wonderful one!


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## Roselyn

It's great that you update your thread from time to time. I feel that your thread is the best in TAM when it comes to not settling for anything less in a marriage. You did not let your ex-wife manipulate you nor abuse you. You made your path to happiness, without trampling on anyone. Best wishes to you in your new life!!!


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## BashfulB

Hello everyone! Thought I would chime in with a little update. 

Things are going well at my work. I enjoy my bus driving job and me and my new bride could not be happier. We have finally gotten our little house painted and decorated on the inside the way she likes it. We had a really productive garden and it produced so much squash and beans and carrots that I had to put up about three dozen jars. I have been putting in overtime driving the junior high and high school football teams to away games twice a week. That extra money has really come in handy. 

My bride was finally put on Methotrexate for her rheumatoid arthritis and she is starting to feel much better; but unfortunately that drug has a lot of bad side effects so we have to really watch it. She's so amazing. We both like to talk about how much happier our lives would have been had we met 25 years ago. She is the wife I always wanted. 

My stepson is doing very well. He is stationed at Keesler in Biloxi, MS and just got promoted to E-3 Airman First Class. He's very proud of himself, just bought himself a new truck, is dating a nice Southern girl, and enjoys his work. 

No more word on the ex-WW. Well, I suppose no news is good news. Take care everyone and have a happy Halloween!


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> Hello everyone! Thought I would chime in with a little update.
> 
> Things are going well at my work. I enjoy my bus driving job and me and my new bride could not be happier. We have finally gotten our little house painted and decorated on the inside the way she likes it. We had a really productive garden and it produced so much squash and beans and carrots that I had to put up about three dozen jars. I have been putting in overtime driving the junior high and high school football teams to away games twice a week. That extra money has really come in handy.
> 
> My bride was finally put on Methotrexate for her rheumatoid arthritis and she is starting to feel much better; but unfortunately that drug has a lot of bad side effects so we have to really watch it. She's so amazing. We both like to talk about how much happier our lives would have been had we met 25 years ago. She is the wife I always wanted.
> 
> My stepson is doing very well. He is stationed at Keesler in Biloxi, MS and just got promoted to E-3 Airman First Class. He's very proud of himself, just bought himself a new truck, is dating a nice Southern girl, and enjoys his work.
> 
> No more word on the ex-WW. Well, I suppose no news is good news. Take care everyone and have a happy Halloween!


Enjoy your life to the fullest my friend - you have earned it!!!


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## BashfulB

I stepped off the steps from my bus wrong and broke my ankle this past Tuesday! Now I'm on the couch with my foot propped up! So I get to do some TAM surfing.


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## LongWalk

Sorry to hear it.

Get well soon.


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## F-102

D'OH!!!


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## BashfulB

F-102 said:


> D'OH!!!


Yeah. That's what I said. I feel like a dope.


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## Truthseeker1

BashfulBull said:


> I stepped off the steps from my bus wrong and broke my ankle this past Tuesday! Now I'm on the couch with my foot propped up! So I get to do some TAM surfing.


How are things going besides the bad ankle BB?


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## BashfulB

Truthseeker1 said:


> How are things going besides the bad ankle BB?


Very well thanks. In fact, I have become boring.


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## Truthseeker1

@BashfulBull - I know its been almost 2 years but I just wanted to check in and ask how you were doing? I hope you can check in and give us an update.


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## TDSC60

BB. I followed your thread from the beginning.
What do you mean by you have become boring?


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## KaggyBear

Abandoned? lol. More like you escaped.


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## bandit.45

BUMP for educational purposes and encouragement. 

I hope he's doing well with his new wife.


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## TDSC60

bandit.45 said:


> BUMP for educational purposes and encouragement.
> 
> I hope he's doing well with his new wife.


Me too. Hope he comes back to update.........plus I want one of the hand made knives.


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## rockon

Hope he comes back also, but it's been 2+ years since he last posted.


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## 3putt

rockon said:


> Hope he comes back also, but it's been 2+ years since he last posted.


Personally, I hope he never comes back and just enjoys the rest of his life with his new lady. Coming back here would accomplish nothing but regurgitating this mess that he was forced to endure.

Just live well, BB.


----------

