# What has this site taught you???



## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

I have been on this site for 2 months now and I can’t begin to tell you how much I have learned. I have learned a lot about my sexuality. I have learned a lot about my husband’s needs. I have learned that things other than basic sex are not “dirty”. I have gotten so much better at giving oral even to the point that I thoroughly enjoy doing it. I have gotten better about receiving oral.
Our marriage wasn’t in trouble before, we are truly in love but our sex life has improved so much and in turn so has our marriage. I think one of my favorite things I learned about on this site is Coconut Oil, I think maybe the best thing we have brought into the bedroom!! What is the most favorite thing that you have learned from this site?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It has taught me to appreciate my life and my SO even more than I already did...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Coconut oil is the bomb!

TAM saved my marriage. 'Nuf said.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It has showed me that there are other spouses (especially women) out there in sexless marriages and taught me some ways to cope with it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt taught me about coconut oil and now I put that gem in a lot of posts. That stuff is fantastic! She also told me, in a post, about mixing coconut oil with raw sugar to make a natural nonclotting body scrub. I made up a bunch of jars and gave them as little Christmas gifts and have had several requests for refills!

But TAM helped me save my marriage. Gave me the strength of convictions that I was deserving of getting my needs met and the ability to understand my husband better. The men who contribute here really help because it has been my experience that men don't communicate very well about ...fee-lings.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

It gave me the confidence to leave my sexless marriage. Reading over and over again about people who had been in sexless marriages for over 20 years and were still there and lived with so much regret and sadness, I absolutely did not want to be one of those people. It really is the best decision I could've made and everything in my life fell into place within months of leaving and now I'm in a loving, sexually fulfilling relationship..life is grand!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It has helped me learn how to be a better communicator.It has also taught me how to have a lot more patience with people. 

The biggest thing being here has taught me is I'm not as far along with maintaining my boundaries as I had originally thought. Obviously this information is good to know so I can keep working to improve.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I've learned that my issues are more like "1st world problems" based on what many other people are going through in their relationships.

It made me feel good about where my relationship stands.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Anomnom said:


> It gave me the confidence to leave my sexless marriage. Reading over and over again about people who had been in sexless marriages for over 20 years and were still there and lived with so much regret and sadness, I absolutely did not want to be one of those people. It really is the best decision I could've made and everything in my life fell into place within *months* of leaving and now I'm in a loving, sexually fulfilling relationship..life is grand!


be careful now


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Anon / Gettingit How do you make the scrub? Just mix coconut oil with raw sugar? ratio?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Take your container and fill it between 1/3 and 1/2 with raw sugar. Then mix in coconut oil. You can also add a drop of almond extract and a drop of vanilla extract. But just a drop! It's great on feet too! The sugar dissolves so it won't clog the drain, and the coconut oil has a very low melting point, like 77 degrees so flushing with warm/hot water will keep the drains clear too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you just mix in coconut oil to make a slurry?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So you just mix in coconut oil to make a slurry?


I actually warm the coconut oil in the microwave just enough to make it liquid (if it is not already, which it usually in the summer in my hot kitchen!) Then when it cools to room temperature, I mix it with the raw cane sugar. You can make the scrub more of less thick, depending on how you want it. It might solidify and become hard to scoop out with your fingers, but you can use a metal spoon or do like I do and run the container under warm water while I'm showering to loosen it up and make it easier to scoop out with your fingers.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TAM has taught me that there is a gender war going on by some people. I didn't know this before coming here.

TAM has also provided me with several good friends. You know who you are.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> It has taught me to appreciate my life and my SO even more than I already did...


Same here.

Oh, and I learned what the term "size queen" means, lol.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

That a humorous meme is the best way to diffuse a ongoing argument (not sure how to implement this in real life situations though :scratchhead .


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> TAM has taught me that there is a gender war going on by some people. I didn't know this before coming here.


I can't imagine what that must feel like IRL. It's exhausting just seeing it in print!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I can't imagine what that must feel like IRL. It's exhausting just seeing it in print!


 loads of statistics and studies would probably be printed out and handed around lol


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

* how insignificant small things going wrong in my marriage are compared to some of the unbelievable stuff on here
* that a sexless marriage is one soon to be over
* that men and women communicate differently
* that some people have access to a secret "gas lighting" university for study, and that I should just trust my gut/memory


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Athol Kay


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I never realized how many angry,bitter,he-men were in the world til I stumbled onto tam. I also never realized how many self important spoiled princesses there were til here either


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

The best thing:

When I came to TAM I thought BJ's were disgusting (though I had never given one). 

TAM women made BJ's sound sexy and sensual.

I wanted to try a BJ.

I did. 

TAM women were right. I love giving them as much as he loves getting them. PIV is till our favorite though.

I still find it astonishing that my H knew how I felt before we married but married me anyway. He claims he knew I would come around because I had not yet reached my "sexual potential" whatever that means. Maybe something to do with him being my one and only everything?

The worst thing: that people live in sexless/near sexless marriages. Near sexless being one time a month or less. I had no clue.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

DoF said:


> be careful now


I don't take anything for granted, live without expectations (mostly!). Divorce is finalised, my xhb (who lives 200m away) and I have remained good friends and often do things together with our child. My bf and ex get on ok, but only met a couple of times. I am beyond grateful for my life and how these things could have worked out so differently.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I first came here I was in a deep depression because my marriage was not good. It had been sexless for a few years (his doing not mine). 

TAM helped me to start doing things I needed to do. When I read and post here, it's usually also working out things in my own life in the rest of my brain (triple core processing  ). 

I get way more out of this place than I could ever give. Might sound selfish but it works.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I came a while ago but stopped coming. This site has taught me we are a world of victims and until we start owning our part in the destruction of our relationships we will continue to make the same mistakes. My husband didnt meet my needs. I didnt feel loved or valued. I learned that is not his job and he can not be my only outlet. It is a lot of responsibility to put on some I was supposed to have loved. I will never used the phrase "He makes me happy" because he doesnt. I make me happy and i am gloriously happy with him. I think he feels the same. 

every choice we make has a ripple. I just wonder if folks are truely taking responsibility. If when you describe your relationship and it starts of describing the problem as "he/she......." instead of "I...." thats a red flag. TAM taught me to reframe the problem from his point of view and then respond. If I only looked at it from mine, i was missing the entire picture. I learned that feeling happy is only one of the many emotions humans feel multiple times per day, just because its not always set to happy doesnt mean someone has to do something about it. Managing feelings is exhausting. choose not to have so many or at least keep it to your self. I learned to be more selective with my feelings and to choose wisely which ones i give voice too

im sure there are others but this is long enoug


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

That people don't consider the consequences of their actions
That intolerance runs through the full spectrum of beliefs
That none of us are as smart as we think we are.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Personal responsibility.

Not that I wasn't responsible before. I was _too responsible_ - neurotic even in taking on all of my spouse's baggage and trying to fix it instead of just worrying about myself. The only person I can change. I know what's my stuff, his stuff and what is ours. I take care of my own, he takes care of his and we work on ours together.

Seriously, I've learned more things from TAM than reading or listening to any relationship book (and that would be a lot - if only you could see my PC library).

I feel like I am more of my authentic self in the real world because of my ability to be real on TAM. So many things I wouldn't have said, expressed, discussed to friends and family I do now. I have better boundaries, I don't double-guess myself as much and am more confident when setting boundaries. 

Not just my relationship but external relationships - for better or for worse have improved. The ones that improved are closer, the ones that got worse, were disposable because if I can't be real with you, then I rather not be with you. I expect more, please (at the risk of hurting myself) less and in turn get more out of it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I've learned that there are some really good men out there. That men are more complicated than they let on. That women are more sexual than that we all think. I've learned how big of an issue sex is in marriages and have concluded that MOST marriages must have some sort of sexual imbalance. I've learned how to politely say "no" to dates that don't work out. How to find out if a potential partner is sexually compatible. That I was initiating sex "the right" way so stbxh was the problem, not me. That men are attracted to us and want to have sex with us even when we think that particular body parts are off-putting. And, I've learned that when I'm giving a bj, I should swallow and not spit.  

What I have NOT learned from TAM that I think is the crux of pretty much every issue people describe here, is how to communicate better. I think there should be a specific forum for communication and I'm puzzled as to why there isn't.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

People are going to do what they are going to do to you. Some people want to be loyal, others want to live their life for their self and have you in a role which may not be good for you.

Accept their actions and stay or move on.

Never bury your head in the sand.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Tam has taught me that men put more thought into penis size than women do


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

That what sounds like would be quite a trivial thing to happen in your relationship is the straw that broke the camel's back in another relationship.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

janesmith said:


> I learned to be more selective with my feelings and to choose wisely which ones i give voice too


I like this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So many things. I think people are a lot more demanding in their marriages than dh and I are.

I am also seeing how important free speech is, as opposed to "correct speech." We can't solve problems without openness and honesty.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I've learned how to better stand up for myself(set up boundaries) and not just take being treated how my husband had been treating me.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I've learned so much. I can catch now when I am being immature and out of line. I also have learned a ton about my sexuality and my husband's as well. I am more confident in my choices and I put my foot down when I know I am being treated unfairly. 

I like it!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It taught me that what women want in a relationship today is a lot different than what our grandmothers were looking for. 

Relationships are much more complicated than i thought they were.
I was under the impression that if two people were in love, and they were sensible people, the relationship flowed easily, but not always the case.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That I am not alone in all I have been through. I really needed that in the beginning because I was so caught off guard felt I was totally going through the affair and divorce alone. Was comforting to know I wasn't the only one suffering


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

It's taught me that manipulative tactics used by men over women are a protected subject here. Women are merely semi-developed animals somewhere between turtles and the highest evolutionary creature (men). Men can talk regularly about what mindless bimbos women are, and this is not seen as negative derogatory stereotyping.

The King Kongs that are so strong and mighty are going to run to the moderators and whine if you call them on being a lot of hot air. And you'll be banned.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Happyfamily said:


> It's taught me that manipulative tactics used by men over women are a protected subject here. Women are merely semi-developed animals somewhere between turtles and the highest evolutionary creature (men). Men can talk regularly about what mindless bimbos women are, and this is not seen as negative derogatory stereotyping.
> 
> *The King Kongs that are so strong and mighty are going to run to the moderators and whine if you call them on being a lot of hot air. And you'll be banned.*


:iagree::smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:

Thank you for saying so! I added extra emoticons "for effect" to agree with you!


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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

I have learned that I did right by putting out my abusive, cheating spouse. I am looking forward to living......


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

> What has this site taught you???


Besides little things, like always using the flat of your tongue?

I would say the biggest single thing is to be upbeat and happy at home even when I'm not feeling it. Nobody has said that explicitly; it's simply from observation here on TAM.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Happyfamily said:


> The King Kongs that are so strong and mighty are going to run to the moderators and whine if you call them on being a lot of hot air. And you'll be banned.


Come on now, there were a couple of those guys in that "other" thread that were banned for having those views, and perma-banned I might add.

With that, what I have learned is that there are a lot of over sensitive people on both sides of the gender fence that can get report happy.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Amongst other things it has taught me that I actually have a good marriage.

It has taken me from being pretty certain that my wife strayed 20 odd years ago to being much more certain that she didn't.

It has taught me that I am not necessarily an ugly guy. Came as quite a shock to find that I am not a total minger! When I posted my first pic, the infamous toothbrush pic, I thought people were making fun of me.

It has taught me that the secret to a good relationship is to have a large penis and that luckily almost all the male posters on TAM are really well endowed, just like me 

I've learnt that my marriage and the things we do are not strange.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

One thing I've learned is, don't start a thread hoping to discuss women's issues, lest the men feel like they are being accused of being anything less than "perfect gentlemen".

I mean, heaven forbid if a woman discusses any issue that might make her feel threatened, like on a thread which had to be closed because it got too heated.

Gee whizz, and it was in the ladies lounge too, lol.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

That stereotyping is still very common and there's plenty of 'studies' and books that are loaded with logical fallacies to 'confirm' why the stereotypes are biological differences.
Strawman arguments are popular.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

techmom said:


> One thing I've learned is, don't start a thread hoping to discuss women's issues, lest the men feel like they are being accused of being anything less than "perfect gentlemen".
> 
> I mean, heaven forbid if a woman discusses any issue that might make her feel threatened, like on a thread which had to be closed because it got too heated.
> 
> Gee whizz, and it was in the ladies lounge too, lol.


I'm not even going to discuss the inaccuracies in your comments above, just going to say, lets not start this sh*t again.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

techmom said:


> One thing I've learned is, don't start a thread hoping to discuss women's issues, lest the men feel like they are being accused of being anything less than "perfect gentlemen".
> 
> I mean, heaven forbid if a woman discusses any issue that might make her feel threatened, like on a thread which had to be closed because it got too heated.
> 
> Gee whizz, and it was in the ladies lounge too, lol.


A shame that I have had a break from TAM, I would have quite liked to post in that thread.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

How I stumbled into relationships without even considering the notion of an inventory. Not the slightest of checks - if she's hot and I'm getting my end in then it must be OK. Just brainless.

How I had not understood a thing about myself and my own behavior. How I had read and talked a mountain over the decades but learned zero. 

How my pattern of neediness was killing relationships off. How bringing my unresolved sh!t to the table and mixing it with someone else's unresolved sh!t was cuckoo.

How to draw a line in the sand - to finally say this is who I am and this is what I will and will not accept in my life.

How wonderful people you have never met can touch your life, give you a lift, smack you down and keep you on track. Thank you TAMers.


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

This site taught me many things.. well I am not married but I have learned bow how to stay in relationship and many more.. I really thankful to the members of this site..


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Oh yeah - how our own health, particularly our mental & emotional health is a work in progress.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

that women cheat as much if not more than men.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> that women cheat as much if not more than men.


Do we accept this, or we think it is because we are using sites like TAM where male betrayed gather together?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

that a LOT of men want a finger in their butt but are too afraid to ask for it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> that a LOT of men want a finger in their butt but are too afraid to ask for it.


Hmmm, now that you mention it.....:moon:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

treyvion said:


> Do we accept this, or we think it is because we are using sites like TAM where male betrayed gather together?


more and more studies are indicating that women cheat as often as men.


talking to my friends i am amazed at how often I hear about it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

That a lot of men are too sensitive, broken, damaged, and bitter to read posts objectively.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Not sure what TAM is doing yet..

Probably helping, but it's made me analyze more. Which isnt always good. This analysis at times makes me wonder why I got married. But again, I can't blame the site (tool vs carpenter). On some level, I wish I never found the site. It's addictive and can be helpful, but it can also contain quite a bit of sourness from jilted lovers.

The best thing I've learned from this site is that I'm not alone in feeling certain ways.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> that women cheat as much if not more than men.


Oh and this too. :scratchhead:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Do we accept this, or we think it is because we are using sites like TAM where male betrayed gather together?


Since I know far more men personally who have been cheated on than cheated themselves I knew this before I came here. Cheating is a selfish person issue not a gender issue. Both genders do this and probably equally.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> That a lot of men are too sensitive, broken, damaged, and bitter to read posts objectively.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> That a lot of *people *are too sensitive, broken, damaged, and bitter to read posts objectively.


Fixed.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

The empowering things I have learned:

1. There *are *men who possess emotional intelligence and, have the desire and ability to achieve true emotional intimacy with the right woman. I would like to thank the group of men on TAM who taught me that … you know who you are.

2. How devoid my marriage was of any human compassion or kindness and the futility of continuing in it.


The amusing and/or annoying things I have learned:

1. That gender stereotypes are apparently alive and well. Funny, I always thought people were unique individuals with unique life experiences and not to be lumped into gender groups with predictable behavioral responses.

2. I am what Mach would call a female “outlier” … way “out there” apparently. :rofl:

3. There is a specific label and method associated with the annoying male behavior I occasionally experience in life … PUA, I had no idea. 

4. I have a rather high sex-rank, that is until you get to the bottom of the ranking system to the age question … then my rank goes to zero. :rofl:


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> that a LOT of men want a finger in their butt but are too afraid to ask for it.


Yes, the ex was happy with experimenting as long as she didn't have to do any herself. Note to self: be more assertive in the cot.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> But *TAM helped me save my marriage*. Gave me the strength of convictions that I was deserving of getting my needs met and the ability to understand my husband better. The men who contribute here really help because it has been my experience that men don't communicate very well about ...fee-lings.


I am so glad. I cried a little when I read this. You deserve marriage, and a happy one.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Since I know far more men personally who have been cheated on than cheated themselves I knew this before I came here. Cheating is a selfish person issue not a gender issue. Both genders do this and probably equally.


What part of the country?


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

I learned that it does take a village, but sometimes just the idiot will do.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

treyvion said:


> What part of the country?


I have lived most everywhere in the US for a period of time with the exception of the east coast. Spent most my life mid west, where I grew up, and currently in colorado


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Well, thanks to the early pages of this thread, I went out and bought some coconut oil. Maybe I will be able to add that to my list of what I have learned!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Since I know far more men personally who have been cheated on than cheated themselves I knew this before I came here. Cheating is a selfish person issue not a gender issue. Both genders do this and probably equally.


And I know far more men who cheated. I know very few women who have.


I guess our life experiences cancel each other's. 

The point is that one person's experience in their own social group does not tell us a lot.

Stats are that men and women cheat at about the same rate, with women cheating a bit less.

It makes sense that men and women cheat at about the same rate because who are they cheating with? Each other of course.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have lived most everywhere in the US for a period of time with the exception of the east coast. Spent most my life mid west, where I grew up, and currently in colorado


I just can't imagine alot of cheating women in Colorodo. If you said NYC, I could imagine it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Love languages.... who knew?! Apparently not me until I came here.

Looking to patterns that stem from FOO and dealing with that shlt.

If I feel he's being a dlckhead, he's going to know about it and vice verse. Turns out, we understand one another better as a result. Don't avoid confrontation, even if it's a small thing. 

The importance of having strong boundaries.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Relationship IS communication. NOTHING can be achieved without it. Nothing.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Time waits for no one.

Fighting/evading reality wastes time.

Acceptance of reality is the hardest part. Progress is not possible without it.

None of my problems are unique, and many have already learned much of what I need to know to resolve them.

Almost all in the threads I tend to visit are here alone, without their current or former partner. The chances of my wife following and/or finding me here for any reason are nearly zero, despite her knowing I spend significant time on a "marriage board." I think some folks are attracted to learning from others, seek self-knowledge and value being told the truth even when it hurts and somehow find TAM and stay awhile. Others have a different approach, or are averse to what TAM offers / demands. Not sure.

When I am feeling sorry for myself, I don't have to look very hard to see folks dealing with worse.

Though I will likely never meet anyone from TAM IRL, there are several here worth knowing.


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