# Touch/Kindness vs. Service/Gifts=Deal Breaker



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

This is from the his needs her needs quiz.
If you and your partner end up with conflict on these subjects, is that a deal breaker in getting along in a marriage?
As I examine my relationship with my wife it seems most of our resentment towards each other comes from this difference in each others needs here, and things escalate as we cut each other off for not receiving them.
FYI I'm the touch and kindness and she's wanting the service/gifts.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I'm not sure i understand your question. But, the purpose of the needs test was to give eachother awareness into what you can do to fulfill those needs. If you are withholding that from one another then you are essentially denying each other love. Your feeling of love is prompted most by your highest need. So ya, I see this as a problem if you are using your needs against each other rather than fulfilling them. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

the needs don't have to be the same . you just have to give the other what they need and receive what you need .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badcompany said:


> This is from the his needs her needs quiz.
> 
> If you and your partner end up with conflict on these subjects, is that a deal breaker in getting along in a marriage?
> 
> ...


I'm confused...

" touch and kindness and she's wanting the service/gifts"

That sounds like it's coming from "5 languages of Love" not "His Needs, Her Needs"

Of course your needs will be different. That's the point of why you have to talk about this stuff. 

What happens usually is that a person gives love in terms of what they themselves need in love. So you probably use a lot of touch and kindness to show love. But your wife does not feel loved based on those things. 

So she needs to give you touch and kindness and you need to give her service/gifts.

Why do you argue over what the other person's needs are?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

badcompany said:


> This is from the his needs her needs quiz.
> If you and your partner end up with conflict on these subjects, is that a deal breaker in getting along in a marriage?
> As I examine my relationship with my wife it seems most of our resentment towards each other comes from this difference in each others needs here, and things escalate as we cut each other off for not receiving them.
> FYI I'm the touch and kindness and she's wanting the service/gifts.


Very common. I actually liked HNHN but was turned off by the Five Love Languages because it seemed hopeless to me in these scenarios.

HNHN said to me if you know your partneres needs you can learn to enjoy meeting them.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

badcompany said:


> This is from the his needs her needs quiz.
> If you and your partner end up with conflict on these subjects, is that a deal breaker in getting along in a marriage?
> As I examine my relationship with my wife it seems most of our resentment towards each other comes from this difference in each others needs here, and things escalate as we cut each other off for not receiving them.
> FYI I'm the touch and kindness and she's wanting the service/gifts.


As others have said that sounds like 5 love languages. My wife and I are completely opposite on what we want/need and it shows in our relationship. We are both good at giving the things we want, but not good at giving what the other wants. Totally messes with our marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I didn't find the 5 Love Languages of much use... It's the Obvious served lukewarm at best. I wrote an interesting post about it a while back so here it is:

And exactly what rocket scientist of a partner would I need to fathom my "love languages"???

Acts of Service - mega LOLZ, I've lived on my own since age 17.

Words of Affirmation - self confidence is a must have in my profession, when I try to sell nefarious ideas to my clients... 

Gifts? Unless they come from a mail order camera store, don't bother.

Quality Time - well, duh, lady, between working 16 hour days and cleaning the house the other 8, quality time is an oxymoron...

This leaves (drum roll) Physical Touch. If I have to point out to the oftentimes frigid Dr. Mrs. LD that this is my so-called language, I might as well sit home and wait for J Lopez or similar to ask me out....

Likewise, as far as her languages go, it is 100% Acts of Service, be it to play career coach, headhunter, editor, fashion adviser, grammar consultant, golden retriever listening to her ramblings, consierge, and many other action descriptions that 5LL never thought would make it to the book...

Don't place too much value in 5LL.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Badcompany - how about simply using the info you have and starting some good conversation.

Do you understand what your wife wants/needs in the way of gifts/act of service? Not much point making her dinner if she's expecting diamonds. What exactly does she want?

Does she know what kind of touch you need? She could pat you on your big head all day and all night and it wouldn't help if it was your little head that needed the attention. Or do you just want to be held and cuddled and loved in that way... or both??

Talk about this...

PS: I agree I'm also confused. Your post sounds like you just read 5 love languages ...not HNHN's.

I like both books... HNHN's being my favorite.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

This does sound like the 5 love languages......It would be great if we all matched perfectly but we don't. You two are going to have to adjust your styles of showing love to the way your partner needs it. Example is....my hubby likes to show love through acts of service and words of affirmation.....but he likes to recieve love through quality time and words of affirmation. I on the other hand am physical touch and words of affirmation on both give and recieve. So it don't matter if I cuddly and have sex with him every other day.....if I am not spending time talking to him .... having sex....watching TV...taking walks...doing his hobbies....he doesn't feel loved. He needs my "time".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Sorry my bad it was 5LL's.
We both took the quiz and the results were as above. There are deeper and bigger issues, but at the base of things it seems to be the problem. We both had words of affirmation as #1 but the rest were way off. Service and gifts were last for me. 
It's only when I buy her something or do a service that I get my touch and affirmation I need, and as time has gone on this hurdle has been raised higher and higher. I'm in a lot of pain and I work and work and work, then give give give and see perpetually diminishing returns. Women and men often have different interests and I don't expect my wife to want to kart race, fish, shoot guns, or play a WWII video game, but that doesn't mean she has the right to condemn all these activities like she does. I support her photography hobby and go with her to events where she can use it, the tulip fields, the mountain, the beach, and so on. But it will be a cold day in hell that I get her to drop by the track for even ten minutes with our kids so they can watch me race and meet my friends and their families. 
I'm branching off a bit and should probably keep this in my other "gut feeling" thread to be honest...


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Badcompany....well I can relate to what your saying. I never realized there were 5 love languages the first 27 years of my marriage or that we were such a mismatch. I need touch..physical touch...its very important to me. I like to holh hand, be patted on the butt, cuddled, kissed, ect... my husband only wants to to this when he is ready for sex. It was a problem. He on the other hand wants me with him all the time...if I am not at work he thinks I should be velcroed to him. I on the otherhand am good with doing my own thing....reading a book on the porch....taking the horse for a ride. Again this caused big disconnects between us. He was busy building me barns for my horses or remodeling rooms for me to show me he loved me .....but that's not my primary love language. I was busy trying to arrange great romantic cuddle and sex time......not what he wanted either. We both had tochange our approach and learn to appreciate the way the other tries to naturally show/express love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Almost exactly the issue, my W and your H would be a much better match.
I used to be this "builder bob" and now I've got degen disc disease in my lower back, my facets rub together as a result and inflame the area which sends shooting pain and spasms down my right leg. I don't sleep well and I'm tired all the time, and limited to what I can tackle because I get inflamed so easily. It is bad enough that it needs attention but not so bad that insurance won't approve fusion which I'm not sure I want anyway. Despite the fact that I want to do these to please her as well as projects I want to build, I can't, or it proceeds so slowly that she gets frustrated.
The pain I can deal with, but when I get the spasms that make me stamp the right leg and go "at attention" in my back I gotta stop.
I don't want to sound like a sad country song but it is what it is.
It's like she needs everything to be just perfect before my efforts are "rewarded" with her meeting my needs and I don't think it's reasonable.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

In order for any of these languages of love or emotional needs tricks to work, one of you, but both would be best, must understand and take "appropriate" steps to meet those needs. It sounds like you may still have your wires crossed somewhere.

If her needs can't be met due to your back problem, then you focus on meeting her other needs. If she really needs to have everything clean, fixed and built to feel your love...then maybe this woman's needs can't actually be met because they are unrealistic. 

It sounds to me like her needs for gifts and acts of service can be met without you throwing out your back building stuff for her. Making her coffee and brining it to her in bed is a lovely act of service. Brining home a small gift, maybe a chocolate bar or scented lotion a few times a month would be reasonable, IMO. Expecting you to give jewelry monthly or fix the roof in the rain with a bad back is a bit too much.

I suggest you two talk some more and instead of trying to defend yourself from inappropriate, in your mind at least, expectations, really listen to what she wants and expects. Try very hard to get an extremely clear picture of that without judging or moaning. You may find that you have been a little defensive and as a result haven't actually heard what she is really asking for.

Once she feels that you have heard, you then promise to work on showing HER your love in ways that are meaningful for HER.

You also get to be heard. You also get to have your needs met because they are just as important as hers.

But someone has to step up and take charge. Someone has to set the tone and get the ball rolling. Someone has to decide that status quo must be changed, the marriage needs to be better, take a look in the mirror and ...you know the rest of the song...


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

It has to be a give and take, it can't just be one way. You have to insist on a two way street. If the stars have to all line up in order for you to get your needs met there is a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> In order for any of these languages of love or emotional needs tricks to work, one of you, but both would be best, must understand and take "appropriate" steps to meet those needs. It sounds like you may still have your wires crossed somewhere.
> 
> If her needs can't be met due to your back problem, then you focus on meeting her other needs. If she really needs to have everything clean, fixed and built to feel your love...then maybe this woman's needs can't actually be met because they are unrealistic.
> 
> ...


Very good points about how to meet acts of service without causing the back to flame up.

Another way is to make the calls and arrange for someone to do the work you cannot do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badcompany said:


> Sorry my bad it was 5LL's.
> We both took the quiz and the results were as above. There are deeper and bigger issues, but at the base of things it seems to be the problem. We both had words of affirmation as #1 but the rest were way off. Service and gifts were last for me.
> It's only when I buy her something or do a service that I get my touch and affirmation I need, and as time has gone on this hurdle has been raised higher and higher. I'm in a lot of pain and I work and work and work, then give give give and see perpetually diminishing returns. Women and men often have different interests and I don't expect my wife to want to kart race, fish, shoot guns, or play a WWII video game, but that doesn't mean she has the right to condemn all these activities like she does. I support her photography hobby and go with her to events where she can use it, the tulip fields, the mountain, the beach, and so on. But it will be a cold day in hell that I get her to drop by the track for even ten minutes with our kids so they can watch me race and meet my friends and their families.
> I'm branching off a bit and should probably keep this in my other "gut feeling" thread to be honest...


Have you told your wife how much it bothers you that she does not show any interest in the things you do? Especially since you put so much effort into her hobbies?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You kart race, fish, shoot guns, or play a WWII video game. In contrast, your wife does photography. There a big difference in the amount of time she spends on one hobby Vs. your 4. Is that right?

Are you doing your fair share? How much time does that leave you to spend quality time with your family, alone time with your wife and to do chores? 

The important thing is, how does your wife see you? Does she seem to think that you are childish because you spend so much time and energy on many hobbies? 

If so, she may find it hard to consider you a grown up man and not feel sexually attracted to you. What do you think?

You of course you need to have hobbies but be careful not to let the time aspect be intrusive on your family time.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

badcompany said:


> Almost exactly the issue, my W and your H would be a much better match.
> I used to be this "builder bob" and now I've got degen disc disease in my lower back, my facets rub together as a result and inflame the area which sends shooting pain and spasms down my right leg. I don't sleep well and I'm tired all the time, and limited to what I can tackle because I get inflamed so easily. It is bad enough that it needs attention but not so bad that insurance won't approve fusion which I'm not sure I want anyway. Despite the fact that I want to do these to please her as well as projects I want to build, I can't, or it proceeds so slowly that she gets frustrated.
> The pain I can deal with, but when I get the spasms that make me stamp the right leg and go "at attention" in my back I gotta stop.
> I don't want to sound like a sad country song but it is what it is.
> It's like she needs everything to be just perfect before my efforts are "rewarded" with her meeting my needs and I don't think it's reasonable.


Do you take fish oil? Read up on fish oil use in people with arthritis which an inflammatory disease. This is a well research area in nutritional remedies to disease. 

See if you can find something about it on the Mayo Clinic site.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

5 Love Langue's where do I start on its useless'ness I did that with my exwife and she was "acts of services/gifts and words of affirmation all as number 1 all I could come up with was touch and service I wanted more sexual time and I wanted the house to be clean for our son she on the other hand wanted the world at her feet. some women/men try to manipulate their partner because they have that missing part needed for sex and what tends to happen now days is the partner getting manipulated gets jack of it leaves to find a much more rewarding lifestyle. Just my experience anyway


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

aeasty said:


> 5 Love Langue's where do I start on its useless'ness I did that with my exwife and she was "acts of services/gifts and words of affirmation all as number 1 all I could come up with was touch and service I wanted more sexual time and I wanted the house to be clean for our son she on the other hand wanted the world at her feet. some women/men try to manipulate their partner because they have that missing part needed for sex and what tends to happen now days is the partner getting manipulated gets jack of it leaves to find a much more rewarding lifestyle. Just my experience anyway


A can opener is useless unless you have a can. 

It's a tool that couples can use to help the marriage, but it sounds like your wife is under the impression she is a Disney princess.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> A can opener is useless unless you have a can.
> 
> It's a tool that couples can use to help the marriage, but it sounds like your wife is under the impression she is a Disney princess.


lets just say she thought that! but reality has set in very hard now. no more nice car, nice house, chores done, money she didn't have to earn and I even have our son so she actually has to pay me child support but I don't take it because she earns 2/5th's of ****** all and we don't need it to get by.

my experience of 5 LL was probably tainted by her but to me it was very out dated for someone my age(23).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

aeasty said:


> my experience of 5 LL was probably tainted by her but to me it was very out dated for someone my age(23).


Interesting. I'm 50....


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Interesting. I'm 50....


well that's probably why we see it differently I know my generation a SAHM just isn't an option even If you earn a lot its a equality thing to us. I know most people I have spoken to about this with my ex wife that were in my age gap said no way in hell would they let that happen as most companies here now offer day care or child friendly hours so you can work around them. Not to mention house prices are ridiculous


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

aeasty said:


> well that's probably why we see it differently I know my generation a SAHM just isn't an option even If you earn a lot its a equality thing to us. I know most people I have spoken to about this with my ex wife that were in my age gap said no way in hell would they let that happen as most companies here now offer day care or child friendly hours so you can work around them. Not to mention house prices are ridiculous


:rofl:

Who do you think started this trend of flexible hours and companies offering on site day care?

The women who came before me!

Yes, the book is based on some antiquated sex role notions but there is truth to be found.

Unfortunately, your wife's generation is the Disney princess generation. Strong, independent, capable, yet also dainty princesses who expect to be handed the world just for being pretty in a dress...and having really long hair!. Which is why they will ultimately have a very difficult time finding happiness until they understand the difference between a need and a want while reconciling that their partner ALSO has needs and wants.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> You kart race, fish, shoot guns, or play a WWII video game. In contrast, your wife does photography. There a big difference in the amount of time she spends on one hobby Vs. your 4. Is that right?
> 
> Are you doing your fair share? How much time does that leave you to spend quality time with your family, alone time with your wife and to do chores?
> 
> ...


Catherine, that's actually a hard one to compare as far as time spent. The last 2 years, I've raced less than 1/2 of the 9 race season, fished maybe 10 times 1/2 of them with family, and shot guns once with family. 
I'll play my WW2 tank game after I've read D4 some books, brushed her teeth and put her down when my wife is working that evening. I usually sit on a ice pack and play for 45-90 minutes until the anti-inflammatory kicks in and I can go to sleep around 10:30 or 11pm. I used to watch TV during this time, I liked the gold rush show, myth-busters, dirty jobs, history channel or other discovery channel shows. She thought it was a waste of time and disconnected the cable service.
That's one of the big issues here and it's been a problem with not only me but other family members on both sides. If it's not something that interests HER it's stupid and a waste of time, and that person becomes a target for an un-reasonable amount of verbal negativity because of it.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Have you told your wife how much it bothers you that she does not show any interest in the things you do? Especially since you put so much effort into her hobbies?


Yes, "she doesn't have time".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badcompany said:


> That's one of the big issues here and it's been a problem with not only me but other family members on both sides. If it's not something that interests HER it's stupid and a waste of time, and that person becomes a target for an un-reasonable amount of verbal negativity because of it.


At this point I would write my spouse a letter explaining that people have different interests. That your interests are as valid as hers. I'd tell her that the difference between the two of you is that you respect her right to have different interests because that's what love is about. And that it is profoundly sad that she cannot respect such a basic thing about you and other.

Then I would tell her that you work and earn the money. If you want cable you will have it as it's a small fee for something that you enjoy. If she thinks that cable has to go, then so does an equal amount that she spends on thing that she enjoys. 

I would not cut her any slack in spelling this out.

We teach people who to treat us. If you do not stand up to her this will continue.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

All too often I believe people in a relationship use the their needs against each other.

I am not satisfying his needs until he satisfies mine. 

OK, so he cleaned up supper, but only because he wants sex.

OK, so he cleaned up supper and vaccumed, but only because he wants sex.

OK, so he cleaned up supper and vaccumed bought me flowers, but only because he wants sex.

Next thing you find out is that you are unattractive because you are too beta.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

badcompany said:


> Yes, "she doesn't have time".


time for you... She has time for everything else. I guess she chose you to have someone to cheat on and provide emotional and financial support.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> All too often I believe people in a relationship use the their needs against each other.
> 
> I am not satisfying his needs until he satisfies mine.
> 
> ...


Now that right there is an example of the husband trying to clean his way into his wife's panties. 

Now if he cleaned up dinner wearing a tux then took her dancing... Damn right you're getting laid buddy!

Seriously, if the hypothetical wife above was still holding out, then she's NOT trying to meet his needs but instead is manipulating.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi BC, 
A lot of us are on different wave lengths it appears men and women.

I think you should create 5 questions a month different random things that way you can really get to know your partner. For instance I knew someone for 10 years he didn't even know what my favorite color is or what is my favorite flower see what I am talking about here. 

Funny but true.. how well do we really know the other and how important are their interests to them. Once we have the answers things should be easy for us and we no longer have to be mindreaders. 

Out of my relationship 7 weeks now and getting stronger day by day..


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

badcompany said:


> Sorry my bad it was 5LL's.
> We both took the quiz and the results were as above. There are deeper and bigger issues, but at the base of things it seems to be the problem. We both had words of affirmation as #1 but the rest were way off. Service and gifts were last for me.
> It's only when I buy her something or do a service that I get my touch and affirmation I need, and as time has gone on this hurdle has been raised higher and higher. I'm in a lot of pain and I work and work and work, then give give give and see perpetually diminishing returns. Women and men often have different interests and I don't expect my wife to want to kart race, fish, shoot guns, or play a WWII video game, but that doesn't mean she has the right to condemn all these activities like she does. I support her photography hobby and go with her to events where she can use it, the tulip fields, the mountain, the beach, and so on. But it will be a cold day in hell that I get her to drop by the track for even ten minutes with our kids so they can watch me race and meet my friends and their families.
> I'm branching off a bit and should probably keep this in my other "gut feeling" thread to be honest...


My unpopular opinion? This kinda explains why I tossed the whole concept out the window. The bar never stops going up.

I have an opinion that while it may be informative, along with doing this, be willing to look at your own self worth \ esteem.

It's easy to buy into "I am not loved" from "I don't feel loved" unless I get A, B, C.
Problem is... you cannot control how someone behaves, or reacts, or feels. And.... no one makes you feel un-loved. You decide that. You decide... she isn't doing what I want, and that makes me feel unloved. But you do choose to feel that way. 
It takes a good sense of self worth to know you ARE loved, even if she doesn't do those things.

If you don't have that... tit for tat begins.

So be careful not to "only" feel loved if she does things certain things, same applies for her.

It makes it EASY to feel loved if your partner does exactly what you want. But it doesn't make you any less loved if you don't get it. See what I mean??

The concept of giving.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Knowing your partner's preferred love language is useless if the partners don't care about each other deep down. 
Pleasing one's partner is central to most good MC approaches. Underneath those gestures you have to want your partner to be happy and to show it by making deposits in your partner's love bank account. You get the same in return--in coinage of the realm, of course. Meaning, your partner provides for your needs to be met as suits you, makes deposits in your account.

Most of us periodically end up making love withdrawals so you have to have some savings stored up for those awkward times when things go wrong. 

It never ceases to amaze me how long many of us stick around in a bankrupt marriage.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

questar1 said:


> Knowing your partner's preferred love language is useless if the partners don't care about each other deep down.
> Pleasing one's partner is central to most good MC approaches. Underneath those gestures you have to want your partner to be happy and to show it by making deposits in your partner's love bank account. You get the same in return--in coinage of the realm, of course. Meaning, your partner provides for your needs to be met as suits you, makes deposits in your account.
> 
> Most of us periodically end up making love withdrawals so you have to have some savings stored up for those awkward times when things go wrong.
> ...


This is why it would make it so much easier to be in a relationship/marriage with someone who has the same type of love languages as you. We tend to enjoy doing the things more for others that we like have done in return. So the two people would be much more in sync.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mineforever said:


> This does sound like the 5 love languages......It would be great if we all matched perfectly but we don't.


I think me & my husband's are more on the rare side in this....we've taken a few tests over the yrs & always come out in the same order. 







 Love Languages Personal Profile 









...Our results here >> 



> (*Me* ......11 Quality time, 8 Physical Touch, 7 Words of Affirmation, 4 Acts of S, 0 gifts)
> (*HIM*......10 Quality time, 9 Physical Touch, 5 Words of Affirmation, 5 Acts of S, 1 gifts)


 I can speak how easily this flows for us......it is very exhilarating and never feels like "Work"... I've often said to myself.. if something happened to him, I would not even consider a man who had Acts of Service of Gifts at the top, I pretty much KNOW it would annoy me... I need Time & Touch at the top.......I've been spoiled over the years , it's became a lifestyle for me. I ENJOY my Lover being my Best friend... with loads of cuddling, touching flirtation... being "velcroed" as one said. I guess if he irritated me in other ways , I may not feel this way though... 

I did a post on my Love Languages thread  at the end about a couple who had Acts of Service & Gifts at their top ...but they were both like this... so it worked... they seemed happy...



> * SimplyAmorous said*: I am reviving my own thread....just to relay a story about an older couple I personally know..., I've sat & ate lunch with them a # of times, been in & out of their house, witnessed their marriage in action, I do a job for them so I have gotten to know them over the past year very nicely .... ...that just illustrates how easily these love languages flow within a marriage ... when they are in sinc with each other...
> 
> Now, she is an excellent Cook , I enjoy getting recipes from her, so I asked her one day "How often does your husband compliment your cooking? ".... she says immediately "Never", she wasn't upset or anything....then goes on to tell me something I would have a hard time believing...
> 
> ...



I think it's great that others can come around though and meet in that middle ground.. that's what these books are here for.. to enlighten.... speaking of the more detailed His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

D,
The bar only keeps rising if your partner: does not want to meet your needs. 

The steadily rising bar is simply a means for your partner to claim that 'they aren't meeting your needs because you aren't meeting theirs'.

But they don't really 'want you to fully meet their needs'. 




QUOTE=deejov;4389370]My unpopular opinion? This kinda explains why I tossed the whole concept out the window. The bar never stops going up.

I have an opinion that while it may be informative, along with doing this, be willing to look at your own self worth \ esteem.

It's easy to buy into "I am not loved" from "I don't feel loved" unless I get A, B, C.
Problem is... you cannot control how someone behaves, or reacts, or feels. And.... no one makes you feel un-loved. You decide that. You decide... she isn't doing what I want, and that makes me feel unloved. But you do choose to feel that way. 
It takes a good sense of self worth to know you ARE loved, even if she doesn't do those things.

If you don't have that... tit for tat begins.

So be careful not to "only" feel loved if she does things certain things, same applies for her.

It makes it EASY to feel loved if your partner does exactly what you want. But it doesn't make you any less loved if you don't get it. See what I mean??

The concept of giving.[/QUOTE]


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

MEM, possibly so.

Specifically, one can simply raise the bar as to _what or how much_ "makes them feel loved or wanted". 

I'm pointing at relying on another person's action to feel loved and wanted. The "bar" is the limit at which you could look towards yourself to satisfy _some _of those feelings of being loved.

It rarely happens.


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