# Failing to fully forgive because of buried texts



## Simple Mann (Jan 11, 2013)

I want to start off by saying I am no where near perfect in our 10 year marriage. year 1 I was drunk and got caught kissing another woman at a party, got drunk and asked another woman for a sexual favor at a party 7 years ago, 6 years ago I got drunk and grabbed one of my friends gf butt at a wedding reception and my last incident was 5-6 years ago when I had 2 bi sexual woman over to our house while my wife was out of town {one of whom I use to be good friends with in grade school then became somewhat sexual in our later teens} Nothing sexual happened and they left that night, it was mainly just a catch up and she spent most of the time on her phone and was a very annoying night that should have never happened. I visited my wife the following day and explained everything to her because I felt bad about it. Everything has seemed to go pretty good after a rocky 6 years besides loosing a house to foreclosure but a 2 months ago I was getting a feeling that something was up because she was very secretive and was always texting or on the phone. She had told me that her friend {someone who she had been friends with since grade school} wanted her to try and help her work things out with an ex boyfriend so I said it was a bad idea to get in the middle but it was up to her so she continued to talk and text and message this guy on fb, well her friend called me and told me that she had sent him a boob pic of herself and that she had pics in her phone because my wife sends them to her old bf from before she met me and has even had him into her hotel room while she was out of town on business 6 years ago and recently had met him at a mall after telling me she was visiting a friend a few hrs earlier than expected. I confronted my wife and caught her in a few lies but she ended up telling me she use to send her old bf nude pics of herself back when things were rocky and that nothing had happened in the hotel just talking and catching up. she also told me meeting him at the mall was just catching up. I had caught her hiding his # in her phone 4 years ago and we had a big fight about it and I told her she better not be in touch with him again because I am not allowed to stay in contact with any of my old gfs so its only fair. I forgave her after a long battle of her crying and telling me she was sorry but when I asked her if I could look up text history she snapped at me and will not let me and says she never got to see mine when I did stuff. I am going crazy in my head because I feel she is hiding stuff from me and the worst part is that we have 3 children together! I love her but really need closure on these texts! I have nobody to talk with about this stuff so it makes things really hard to deal with... what do you think I should do?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

If you want to save your marriage I suggest going to counseling and seeing if something is salvageable. So far, lots of blame on both sides. I'd say, forget about the pics, but feel strongly that something is going on between them going by your description and alllll hanky panky needs to stop on both sides. I wouldn't want to see any more of the txts my ex sent...one was plenty. She cut me off the phone plan too, so I couldn't check call frequency. those texts will only serve to cause you pain, and give you more to mentally replay, over and over and over....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

In addition to what Shooboomafoo said, I think you need to stop drinking, if you haven't already. Seems most of your trouble happens when you're drunk. Your title says "failing to forgive because of buried texts"... based on what you posted, I'd say your wife has failed to forgive you over the years, too. You two rugswept your affairs. Get into counseling if you want to salvage your marriage. Don't count on seeing the texts. She likely deleted everything by now, anyway.

I'll be honest... I'm kinda torn about this. In a way, I do agree with your wife: she didn't see any of your correspondence, so she doesn't see why you should see hers. With my second EA. my husband chose not to read any of my texts and emails. He saw everything with the first one... which was more than enough for him. And I saw the texts and Facebook messages with his EA. The difference here is that we saw each others correspondence. I can understand wanting to see it all... but I also understand her side: she didn't get to. 

Get into counseling. Figure out what you want in this marriage.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I would also suggest constructing paragraphs and using periods.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If your cheating consists of drunken one-offs, what kinds of texts would you have had that she might have wanted to see, but never got to see?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> If your cheating consists of drunken one-offs, what kinds of texts would you have had that she might have wanted to see, but never got to see?


I would think it possible that he had texts with the girl who used to be his friend a long time ago...and it had gotten "somewhat sexual" in their teens, etc... There very well could have been texts between them. He never said in the OP that there were no texts at all for her to see.


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## Simple Mann (Jan 11, 2013)

Actually I never use to text at all and we rarely had texting back then.
I ever had any phone sex or talked in a sexual manner to these other woman outside of these incidents, only conversed with the old friend of mine maybe 2 times and it was just an over the phone catch up and plan to meet up for a coffee or something.
I still drink a bit on the weekends but I don't get all crazy anymore, I have sewn my wild oats and have grown up since then.
She wants to start over with a clean slate for both of us now and it gets her mad if I even bring this stuff up but I have had to deal with her untrust towards me and my action for years! 
I just want to know if anything did happen that she is not telling me about. 
Why the hell would she keep staying in contact with him and meet him off and on when she knows I have caught and warned her before?!?
Why would she send this other guy a boob pic of hers and flirt with him? I never got that kind of attention from her! bugs the hell out of me! 
As soon as I forgave her she was all lovey dovey to me and giving me all kinds of sexual attention, we probably had sex 2 times a day for a week straight and now it seems like a chore for sometimes. I just hope she wasn't just trying to sex me up to get me to forget about it! I feel pretty stupid about the whole deal, like I was an easy push over.
doesn't help things that we work different shifts because of daycare expenses and see each other sometimes 1 hr a day during the work week.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So her tit-for-tat about seeing the texts from you is empty because there were no texts or messages or voice mails, etc. when you cheated.

This is really up to you, in my opinion. Tell her what you require to keep this marriage going & then stick to it.

I doubt you've come anywhere near the truth yet.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It's not surprising that she used this make-up sex to make you get over what she's down as soon as possible and once you forget everything goes back to square one. 
Some women use this manipulative way too fool men. 

Anyway, you both did immature things but sounds like you've grown a little while she's still a child. 
How old are you both?
I'm guessing not older than 27?

Anyway shes 's not truly remorseful if she wants to rug sweep.

Communication is the key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

For the first six years of your 10 year marriage, your wife had to put up with your painful humiliating deceitful behavior. Not just once but several times.

Now your chickens have come home to roust. You get to feel just a fraction of what she felt and is probably still feeling. You don't seem to get the connection though.

I dont hear that you ever acknowled to her that you now understand the pain you repeatedly caused her. Instead you act as if you have not earned the disrespect and lack of care she shows you. 

Instead think you are the victim of a scam. Really, what was your wife when she forgave you so many times? A pushover? You get to feel what she felt when she elected to stay with a serial cheater and alcholhoic. 

You wife is wrong to cheat. But you were wrong to introduce cheating into the marriage. If the marriage is open for you then you have accept that it is open for her. I dont see why she shouldn't enjoy the excitement of new men. 

If you sincerely want to R, you both need to regain love, respect and compassion for each other. It sounds as if you never have had that since you caused your wife and 3 kids so much misery for 6 years. 

Even though she is cheating, you need to acknowledge her pain and let her know that you get it now, if you do. She needs to stop the affair, you both need to drop all friendships with the opposite sex, you need to stop drinking, both need IC and MC.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

Simple Mann said:


> I want to start off by saying I am no where near perfect in our 10 year marriage. year 1 I was drunk and got caught kissing another woman at a party, got drunk and asked another woman for a sexual favor at a party 7 years ago, 6 years ago I got drunk and grabbed one of my friends gf butt at a wedding reception and my last incident was 5-6 years ago when I had 2 bi sexual woman over to our house while my wife was out of town {one of whom I use to be good friends with in grade school then became somewhat sexual in our later teens} Nothing sexual happened and they left that night, it was mainly just a catch up and she spent most of the time on her phone and was a very annoying night that should have never happened. I visited my wife the following day and explained everything to her because I felt bad about it. Everything has seemed to go pretty good after a rocky 6 years besides loosing a house to foreclosure but a 2 months ago I was getting a feeling that something was up because she was very secretive and was always texting or on the phone. She had told me that her friend {someone who she had been friends with since grade school} wanted her to try and help her work things out with an ex boyfriend so I said it was a bad idea to get in the middle but it was up to her so she continued to talk and text and message this guy on fb, well her friend called me and told me that she had sent him a boob pic of herself and that she had pics in her phone because my wife sends them to her old bf from before she met me and has even had him into her hotel room while she was out of town on business 6 years ago and recently had met him at a mall after telling me she was visiting a friend a few hrs earlier than expected. I confronted my wife and caught her in a few lies but she ended up telling me she use to send her old bf nude pics of herself back when things were rocky and that nothing had happened in the hotel just talking and catching up. she also told me meeting him at the mall was just catching up. I had caught her hiding his # in her phone 4 years ago and we had a big fight about it and I told her she better not be in touch with him again because I am not allowed to stay in contact with any of my old gfs so its only fair. I forgave her after a long battle of her crying and telling me she was sorry but when I asked her if I could look up text history she snapped at me and will not let me and says she never got to see mine when I did stuff. I am going crazy in my head because I feel she is hiding stuff from me and the worst part is that we have 3 children together! I love her but really need closure on these texts! I have nobody to talk with about this stuff so it makes things really hard to deal with... what do you think I should do?


I can barely read this. Let's break it up so posters can read it.



Simple Mann said:


> I want to start off by saying I am no where near perfect in our 10 year marriage. year 1 I was drunk and got caught kissing another woman at a party, got drunk and asked another woman for a sexual favor at a party 7 years ago, 6 years ago I got drunk and grabbed one of my friends gf butt at a wedding reception and my last incident was 5-6 years ago when I had 2 bi sexual woman over to our house while my wife was out of town {one of whom I use to be good friends with in grade school then became somewhat sexual in our later teens} Nothing sexual happened and they left that night, it was mainly just a catch up and she spent most of the time on her phone and was a very annoying night that should have never happened.


Okay. So you're telling us that you've been unfaithful to your wife during your marriage. Got it. 



Simple Mann said:


> well her friend called me and told me that she had sent him a boob pic of herself and that she had pics in her phone because my wife sends them to her old bf from before she met me and has even had him into her hotel room while she was out of town on business 6 years ago and recently had met him at a mall after telling me she was visiting a friend a few hrs earlier than expected.


And this tells us that she is screwing around on you. Believe me, they weren't holding hands at the mall. As a matter of fact, they probably weren't even AT the mall. My money is on the closest cheap motel. 

It sounds like your wife is eyeballs-deep in an affair. I would suggest a polygraph to determine the truth of what is going on. 

You're going to need to decide if you want to remain in your marriage or not. Right now the two of you have NO boundaries to protect your marriage and your personal integrity. Grabbing the a*s of a friend's girlfriend?? What the hell were you thinking??? She's probably looking back on that time and considering you a total creep! She's likely laughing her a*s off at your ham-handed actions! Man, have some respect for yourself! 

The two of you are so deep in deception that it may take a lot of work to recover. I'm sorry, but I don't see a good outcome here.


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## Simple Mann (Jan 11, 2013)

I failed to mention we were headed for divorce on our second year together, we were split up and both had lawyers but decided to work it out so to me that first incident was wiped clean. I knew I would probably receive some male bashing from this post but like I said, We seem to be doing fine for the last 4 years and that stuff was behind us! If you look in the mirror to long you will miss the road in front of you so please do not judge me for what I did 5 years ago, we are on our 10th year and should be focused on right now and the future, its not like I just did these things last year. 
thank you to all of you with the advise


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Simple Mann said:


> If you look in the mirror to long you will miss the road in front of you so please do not judge me for what I did 5 years ago, we are on our 10th year and should be focused on right now and the future


Time for you to check yourself brother. Your going to need to raise up above is whole situation if you want this to work. They aren't male bashing you man. Your being a hypocrite. The pain you caused your wife doesn't get erased, it's doesn't matter if it was last week or 5 years ago. Your failing to recognize, that this is all related. She hasn't healed.

Swallow this... Your wife likely had sex with this dude, she sent naked pics, there were probably some heavy emotions involved. If you can't get over that, walk. Right now you have her, if you don't do something... You won't for long. That's gonna require work. Hard work, from both of you. Drop the scorecard.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You both did bad. Both of you. But guess what? Together -with good counselling- you can both do better! As a couple!:smthumbup:

Be careful of the drinking, though. It can get people into all sorts of strife. As I know to my cost...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Simple Mann said:


> I failed to mention we were headed for divorce on our second year together, we were split up and both had lawyers but decided to work it out so to me that first incident was wiped clean. I knew I would probably receive some male bashing from this post but like I said, We seem to be doing fine for the last 4 years and that stuff was behind us! If you look in the mirror to long you will miss the road in front of you so please do not judge me for what I did 5 years ago, we are on our 10th year and should be focused on right now and the future, its not like I just did these things last year.
> thank you to all of you with the advise


Man bashing. Really? It gets worser and worser. 

You mean you convinced your wife to take you back after cheating only to cheat twice more? When you continued to cheat, there was no clean slate. 

I hope I am not man-bashing for pointing out the fallacy of your belief. If you were a woman, it would be equally as wrong -headed.

Starting anew means you change your heart not hide your deceit and lead your wife into thinking you have changed. 

Is it man-bashing to point out that you are getting your own back? If it were the other way around I would feel the same. 

She is obviously giving as much as she gets. So it seems that men and women are equally deceitful.


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## Simple Mann (Jan 11, 2013)

I am sorry for accusing you of male bashing Catherine, I worded it wrong, I meant pointing the finger at me. 
I do realize that I have wronged her but also have been wronged throughout the years also. I understand that the very first incident where I kissed another woman started all this mess.
There are a few things here that seem crazy to me... There are 2 guys here the ex bf who hurt her real bad while they were dating and got his other gf pregnant. why would you want to catch up with that?
Then there is her so called friends ex bf who she was suppose to be helping get back together till she decided to flirt around with him then send a tit pic to. she seems to not really care that she lost a childhood friend over it.
Also if there was any sexual relationship going on with any of them I will have a problem because I think that's a little much compared to what I did, atleast I never had sexual relations in any of my incidents and I felt horrible after the things I did.
I am not trying to keep score, I really am not but there is a big difference from 1st base to 4th base.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your W probably has a lot of hurt and resentment built up from your own transgressions in the early years of your marriage. For her, this means that you simply don't have the moral high ground and can't demand things of her.

This is wrong in the sense that each person in a marriage must have proper boundaries for the relationship to work. You obviously did not have the right boundaries at first, but say that you have reformed. She does not have the right boundaries now.

Two wrongs don't make a right, so her behavior isn't justified by your past.

Tell her this very simply. Say that you know you hurt her, you know that what you did was wrong & you have done everything you could to make up for it. What she has now done is wrong and she needs to do what has to be done to fix it. You need transparency, i.e., you need to see the texts, in order to move forward positively in your marriage.

If you are serious in this, it is an ultimatum rather than a request. You have to define consequences and be prepared to follow through.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Simple Man, you and your wife are both as shady as eachother. Catherine602 hit the nail on the head, this is your last chance to decide if you want the relationship enough be be honest. If you don't be honest with this now and still try to patch things up and move on, you will regret it.
It will all unravel, then there will be nothing left to save.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Simple Mann said:


> I am sorry for accusing you of male bashing Catherine, I worded it wrong, I meant pointing the finger at me.
> I do realize that I have wronged her but also have been wronged throughout the years also. I understand that the very first incident where I kissed another woman started all this mess.
> There are a few things here that seem crazy to me... There are 2 guys here the ex bf who hurt her real bad while they were dating and got his other gf pregnant. why would you want to catch up with that?
> Then there is her so called friends ex bf who she was suppose to be helping get back together till she decided to flirt around with him then send a tit pic to. she seems to not really care that she lost a childhood friend over it.
> ...


Simple this is my take. 

If you and your wife want to R, she must be all in. Stop the affair, never contact this man again and allow you to see all of her communications. Don't skip any steps. 

There is the extra step you need to take. While you R you must help her heal. Her actions are those of a person who is desperately seaching for validation. You crushed her self- confidence. 

Stop saying that she should be over your cheating because it is 4 yrs. She decides when her wounds are healed not you. 4 good year does not make up for 6 hellish ones. 

You are equal in the seriousness of your cheating. Yours took place repeatedly over a protracted period of time. For six your actions told her that she was worthless and not worth your repect. 

Please acknowledge how deeply you hurt her and vow to help her heal as long as it takes.


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