# How do I get past the stupid things he says/asks and be a better person?



## nnneedshelp (Dec 27, 2010)

I admire women who can just answer or move past things that are said that seem stupid or are so mean by their husband's. Please share your secrets with me? I hate myself for the way I act when these things happen and want to get better, truly. Here are examples: I am leaving the house for an errand, he says he is going to take a nap in the other room and asks me if he should blow out the candle that is burning in the room before he leaves the room to take a nap. (That's common sense right?) Also, I only get to spend Christmas Eve with my children, yet when I am bringing out the gifts that morning he is asking me to ask my kids to do chores. I explain it is Christmas and he says "Christmas is tomorrow". I explain I only get to see them today, Christmas Eve, it is our Christmas, he claims it's only a problem because he is asking for my kids to do something. I tell him it's because it's Christmas! I have a horrible time trying to get past some of this stuff, I don't want to be around him and am so angry inside as I let him ruin my Christmas. I feel this way a lot, that I allow him to ruin special times in my life because of things he says. I need to know the secret others use to get past this and have a great life.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

nnneedshelp said:


> Here are examples: I am leaving the house for an errand, he says he is going to take a nap in the other room and asks me if he should blow out the candle that is burning in the room before he leaves the room to take a nap. (That's common sense right?)


You are forgetting the subtext. "Should I blow out this candle?" in that situation can mean a lot of things:

1. Are you going to be long running that errand?
2. You forgot to blow out the candle you lit up.
3. I know nothing about candles, is this supposed to stay lit?
4. Are you going to be long running that errand, I hope you are back soon.
5. You forgot to blow out the candle you lit up, I never pay attention to this kind of stuff so it worries me when you light candles and don't blow them out when you leave.

It's possible, if he wasn't getting on your last nerve, when he asked "Should I blow out this candle?" that you may have just said " Sure honey I'll see you soon, love you." and never have thought another thing about it.
Or you may have responded as if he said one of the 5 things listed above.

You need to think about why he's on your last nerve and start there.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I agree with chefmaster...the candle is a very minor issue, so for it to be that irritating to you, there's something more there. 

As for the kids and chores...does he have any kids of his own? My boyfriend doesn't, and he can be extremely rigid sometimes in his ideas of how kids should be raised (although even he doesn't expect the kids to do chores on Christmas). I sometimes have to try to explain to him why his rigidity just doesn't work in a given situation. He doesn't always get it, and if that's the case, then that's the point at which I pretty much pull the "I'm the mom, and what I say goes" card. I don't like to do it, but they are my kids. We've been together long enough, and with their bio dad out of the picture, that he does feel as though he's their dad, but the fact is, he's not. Same goes for you here: your husband is only their stepdad, he only has the authority you grant him. If you can't get him to understand how or why you do something, and you strongly believe you're right and you don't want to change it, then you stand up and tell him that you're the mom and this will be done your way. 

As for the main question of how to get past stupid things he says/asks...well, the first thing is to really ask yourself if whatever it is is stupid or if you're just so irritated with him that you find it to be stupid. The candle....to you, who lights candles every day (maybe not, but you'll get my point), it's common sense, but to someone who doesn't light candles, it's not. He might be looking at it thinking that it's fire, so it would seem to make sense that he should put it out, but it's only a little candle, so maybe it's ok, and then too, if you're going to be back soon, it might be ok...and if he's sensing how irritated you seem to always be with him, then he's throwing in there a little worry about how you'll react to whatever he does, whether it's blowing out the candle or leaving it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

nnneedshelp said:


> I admire women who can just answer or move past things that are said that seem stupid or are so mean by their husband's. Please share your secrets with me? I hate myself for the way I act when these things happen and want to get better, truly. Here are examples: I am leaving the house for an errand, he says he is going to take a nap in the other room and asks me if he should blow out the candle that is burning in the room before he leaves the room to take a nap. (That's common sense right?) Also, I only get to spend Christmas Eve with my children, yet when I am bringing out the gifts that morning he is asking me to ask my kids to do chores. I explain it is Christmas and he says "Christmas is tomorrow". I explain I only get to see them today, Christmas Eve, it is our Christmas, he claims it's only a problem because he is asking for my kids to do something. I tell him it's because it's Christmas! I have a horrible time trying to get past some of this stuff, I don't want to be around him and am so angry inside as I let him ruin my Christmas. I feel this way a lot, that I allow him to ruin special times in my life because of things he says. I need to know the secret others use to get past this and have a great life.


Do they do chores the rest of the time?

Or do his requests for their help get met with excuses - by you?

Be honest.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

How do I pass stupid things? I past it after the thing I want is done.
For example:
Me: Can you go to take a shower, you stinks!
Husband: Ok(not listening & still watching tv.)
Me: why don't you go to take a shower? (Repeat my request every 2 minutes and I felt unhappy...) Husband: what the @&%... ( very annoyed, going to the showeroom...) 
----- after 10 mins----
(Husband finished shower and came out.)
Me: What a handsome man! You smell so good! (kissed & hugged)
Husband: Yes! (Very happy!)
So... Important is not the conflicts you and your husband might have, but a good & happy ending is important!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I don't know what you mean by "get past it." I don't think "getting past it" is the right choice but figuring out what is going on and solve it.

I think first you need to readjust your PoV. By categorizing it as stupid, you show that you are not considering his PoV or trying to understand what he is on about. You are discounting his PoV as stupid out of hand. Depending on the chore, his PoV may not be so unreasonable. Some things don't have right or wrong answers. I would not ask my kids to take out the trash before opening their stockings Christmas morning, for example. But I might after. My husband might have a different view that it is unreasonable to ask them to do that until after presents. Which point of view is RIGHT? Neither. Both. Who cares.

It is really common in marriages to view your own point of view as RIGHT. Thus your aim becomes to make the other spouse see the right of it. When that does not happen for years and years, you decide you need to figure out how to get past the fact that your spouse is an idiot who cannot see the right of things. (Ask me how I know, been there done that, had the miserable marriage.)

Another way to look at it is you understand your point of view very well. WAY harder is to understand HIS point of view. THAT is where your effort should lie. And I would say the same to him if he were on this board. 

So you get past the Christmas incident with as little fuss as you can since it is, after all, Christmas. You don't want to ruin it for you, he and the kids. Then you sit down later and say Hey we should really discuss what we want to be our united approach to chores on Christmas. In my point of view, the kids should not be required to do chores during their Christmas. You have a different view. Can you please explain your view so I can understand it?

From there you have the foundation of working together to come up with solutions to problems. You have hopefully engendered in him, maybe not immediately but over time, a feeling that you care about his views. Hopefully it will engender his caring about your feelings and views.

Good luck!


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## nnneedshelp (Dec 27, 2010)

Yes they do BUT, (being honest) they are older and are normally away in college. I just wanted to have a restful pleasant day and the bigger issue is that he was adding it to my list of things to do, to tell them. Everyone did a major amount of preparation the day before.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

So you had one set of desires. That is fine. Nothing wrong with that. He had another. The key is to communicate together to get the most of what each desires. That would have been a perfectly good thing to say to him. Instead of "But it's Christmas" which really says very little" how about "Gee I had planned that yesterday's prep would take care of the work, and that we would have a restful time to enjoy each other today."


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

This is what I'm LEARNING to do:

1. Say to myself - you're a good person, a good wife, this will pass.
2. Say to myself - F*** Y**, then put a smile on my face and do what he asks.
3. Just say yes dear and do whatever it is, regardless of how it pisses me off or how stupid I think it is.
4. Quit taking everything he says to me as a personal attack or affront - he just sucks at communicating and I know it.
5. Quit being defensive that what he says is a put down or an affront towards me - example, he says "dinner was good, but it needed more bacon." Okay, well it was one of those prepared TGIF meals, I didn't make it, just put it together - so I'll say, "you're right, maybe I'll put extra bacon in it next time." Enuff said.

This is the new me, the old me would have taken it personal that the meal didn't have enough bacon, it was my fault, I would feel bad and then would probably be pissy to him for mentioning it when it wasn't my fault. 

Most of the time this works wonders for me, sometimes it doesn't and I lose my cool, but I'm trying more and more to just calm "myself" down (internally, if I have to speak to myself and answer myself - I do), and not react and just do or say what needs to be done.

There doesn't have to be a winner or loser in every argument or disagreement. This just creates a power struggle and no one wins.


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