# Noobie - Newly weds and complete lack of sex



## Robbiej (Mar 30, 2012)

Hi all,

I've been a recent lurker, but never really posted before, more from the fear of thinking it's the norm to live as I currently am.

I'll apologise for the stream of words I'm about to type out into this forum input Window.

I'm a 31 year old male. Ive been with my partner for about 8 years, she used to come shyly to my bar where I worked and eye'd me up for months before asking me out. We had a healthy active sex life, until we decided to get married.

I'm still the same healthy active fit male I have always been, I'm no way making any excuses for not having sex, but. I work out 2-3 times a week I like to think I look good naked (my wife never notices). I keep the house clean, I do all the cooking and the shopping and my fair share of the cleaning. I spend my weekends in the garden with her doing things round the house, keeping on top of things or doing things together in the garden growing plants or home grown produce. I book us into fancy restaurants or plan surprise candlelit dinners at home or book a romantic weekend away, or do something creazy fun like go-karting. She's lost all interest in wearing anything sexy, there's lingere I've bought her still sat in her wardrobe/draws with the tags attached she still has not worn that is over 1.5 years old.

I don't do all these things to get sex, I do them because I love her, but it would be nice to receive some emotional closeness from her through sex, I've given up initiating now after been rejected so many times in the past even a hug at bed time can be mis-concieved as a sexual initiation and it becomes awkward. I always make a point of gong to bed with her at the same time so we can discuss the day's events and what we might do the following evening.

She does work quite hard, she is a primary school teacher and spends alot of her evenings doing homework/marking where as I will cook the dinner and clean up/prep packup lunches for the next day. I've tried jumping her bones or distracting her. Sexting just gets laughed off and being forceful or quite dominant makes her uneasy. She never says "I love you" unless I say it first and I'm starting to think she'd rather snuggle with the cat in bed than me. 

I can feel the resentment setting in and I don't want to feel this way any longer, maybe she needs some councling from a previous semi- groping by some dirty old man on a bus. 

I don't really know what to do. HELP!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you willing to live like this open ended?


QUOTE=Robbiej;655023]Hi all,

I've been a recent lurker, but never really posted before, more from the fear of thinking it's the norm to live as I currently am.

I'll apologise for the stream of words I'm about to type out into this forum input Window.

I'm a 31 year old male. Ive been with my partner for about 8 years, she used to come shyly to my bar where I worked and eye'd me up for months before asking me out. We had a healthy active sex life, until we decided to get married.

I'm still the same healthy active fit male I have always been, I'm no way making any excuses for not having sex, but. I work out 2-3 times a week I like to think I look good naked (my wife never notices). I keep the house clean, I do all the cooking and the shopping and my fair share of the cleaning. I spend my weekends in the garden with her doing things round the house, keeping on top of things or doing things together in the garden growing plants or home grown produce. I book us into fancy restaurants or plan surprise candlelit dinners at home or book a romantic weekend away, or do something creazy fun like go-karting. She's lost all interest in wearing anything sexy, there's lingere I've bought her still sat in her wardrobe/draws with the tags attached she still has not worn that is over 1.5 years old.

I don't do all these things to get sex, I do them because I love her, but it would be nice to receive some emotional closeness from her through sex, I've given up initiating now after been rejected so many times in the past even a hug at bed time can be mis-concieved as a sexual initiation and it becomes awkward. I always make a point of gong to bed with her at the same time so we can discuss the day's events and what we might do the following evening.

She does work quite hard, she is a primary school teacher and spends alot of her evenings doing homework/marking where as I will cook the dinner and clean up/prep packup lunches for the next day. I've tried jumping her bones or distracting her. Sexting just gets laughed off and being forceful or quite dominant makes her uneasy. She never says "I love you" unless I say it first and I'm starting to think she'd rather snuggle with the cat in bed than me. 

I can feel the resentment setting in and I don't want to feel this way any longer, maybe she needs some councling from a previous semi- groping by some dirty old man on a bus. 

I don't really know what to do. HELP![/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robbiej (Mar 30, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Are you willing to live like this open ended?


I guess something needs to change, we can't spend the rest of our lives going through this scenario where I end up feeling neglected, ugly and rejected.

I get chatted up by other women quite alot of the time, I have never strayed though. Talking with her about it just brings tears, she has said that nothing really "turns her on". She feels the need for "sex" after doing things with me, im not sure what because I try and participate in everything she wants me to. Not that she pays any interest in my hobbies though...


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

You're "copying" a woman's style of love. The softer, romantic, giving, pampering kind of love. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, but if we're talking about heated sexual passion, she needs to feel safe. The way for her to feel safe is you need to be true to yourself and focus on your needs and happiness.

Do you mince words around her or "edit" yourself? Do you sit and talk in circles with her trying to understand when she's being emotionally unreasonable? Do you show your hurt, or worst, tell her that she hurt your feelings when she rejects your advances or doesn't show you attention?

It's Friday afternoon. Get a nice shave, slap on some cologne and go do SOMETHING. But go do it without her. You work out 2-3 times a week so you're probably an in-shape, good looking dude. There's no reason for you to wait around for her to give you happiness.

The beauty of this is that if she loves you, she'll notice how much you're focusing on yourself and not giving her any power, and she'll be drawn to your energy and want to spend time with you. Focus on your own thoughts and feelings and go for them. Don't edit yourself or give her a cuddly wuddly, self-editing version of yourself. She needs you to be the raw man that you are, or else it'll come off like you're being nice for sex, even if that isn't actively on your mind.

For instance, last night I had the most sexual dream I've ever had in my life ... and my wife was nowhere to be found in it. Usually in my sexual dreams, there will be some PG-13 innuendo or I'll wake up before the actual sex takes place.

In this particular dream, which involved a girl we both went to high school with but hadn't talked to in years, I had her bent over, naked, and spread her ass cheeks while fingering her p*ssy with two fingers. I f*cked her from behind before letting her ride my d*ck and finished by f*cking her from the side and finally cumming on her tits and face.

Now the first thing you're probably thinking is that rendition of the dream was very explicit. You're right. But that's how lucid, raw and sexual it was when I had the dream, and those were the thoughts I had during and after. So you know what? When I told my wife about the dream, I didn't tell her I "made love" or had "sexual contact" in the dream, I told her I f*cked another woman in the dream. If I didn't put it in those terms, she would be able to smell the BS on me, because the raw, sexy nastiness would be seeping through my pores, and I'd come off as a nice guy editing myself to keep the peace.

I only say that because this approach applies to so many things. Women are super perceptive, and if you're not giving it to her as raw and uncut as possible, she'll know. And the only way you're going to turn her on and make her want to be your sex kitten is if you chase your own masculine thoughts and passions.

I was so bad earlier in my marriage, because like you, I was so beaten down with rejections, and turning into the sweetypie that I allowed her to make me into, while I'm on the outside HOPING for some sex. It was to the point that we wouldn't even call it sex, I would feel the need to say it in roundabout ways. I wouldn't call it a d*ck or a p*ssy, I'd use softer or cuter terms. Why did I do that? Because deep down in my head I was trying to not seem like "one of the bad guys" that acts sexually or wants sex from my wife.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS?!

You're a man. You like and enjoy sex. Don't sniff around her hoping for sexual scraps, but don't hide it from her. Believe in your sexy and make her believe in it too.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Sad situation. I gather you have talked about it and she has no explanation? 

At some point you are going to have to honestly ask yourself how important sex is for you. 

From your description it does sound like you have done all the positives steps you can take. More of the same will result in the same bad result. Unless you want to forego sex for most of your remaining prime sexual years, you need to start pulling back so she understands that the seriousness of the situation.


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## Robbiej (Mar 30, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS?!
> 
> You're a man. You like and enjoy sex. Don't sniff around her hoping for sexual scraps, but don't hide it from her. Believe in your sexy and make her believe in it too.


You are quite right. She doesn't like the word "c0ck" or "*****". I guess she is embarrased about them. I tell her about other women chatting me up and me laughing it off/turning them down showing them my wedding ring. I always try to look good/clean shaven and desirable.

Making her think she is sexy sounds impossible. She thinks her breasts are now just part of her and not really a sexual object. Nothing turns her on.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Well the way it sounds, if your drive hasn't change and hers has, the problem is going to be on her side.

Was it right after the engagement? Has it been a long time between the engagement til now?

Was the events prior and up to the wedding stressful?

Since this is from you and not her, we can only speculate. But she's going to have to want to fix it in order for it to change.

I would suggest talking to her about it openly and see why she has changed.

If that doesn't work, maybe look into counseling...

GL


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## Robbiej (Mar 30, 2012)

tokn said:


> Well the way it sounds, if your drive hasn't change and hers has, the problem is going to be on her side.
> 
> Was it right after the engagement? Has it been a long time between the engagement til now?
> 
> ...


It was more or less after the engagement and moving in together, Hell I wanted to christen every room in the house, I'd have sex on the ceiling if I could! She did want sex when we moved in maybe once every 2 months or so, but that has died off now.

Without sounding horrible, I don't even get a frigging hand job on my birthday,, were talking 30th Birthday here!.

The groping by the stranger has jolted something in her head. She say it has not, but it just seems like she's "jumpy". Counselling seems to be the way forward.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When did the groping happen in the timeline?

was more or less after the engagement and moving in together, Hell I wanted to christen every room in the house, I'd have sex on the ceiling if I could! She did want sex when we moved in maybe once every 2 months or so, but that has died off now.

Without sounding horrible, I don't even get a frigging hand job on my birthday,, were talking 30th Birthday here!.

The groping by the stranger has jolted something in her head. She say it has not, but it just seems like she's "jumpy". Counselling seems to be the way forward.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Robbiej said:


> You are quite right. She doesn't like the word "c0ck" or "*****". I guess she is embarrased about them. I tell her about other women chatting me up and me laughing it off/turning them down showing them my wedding ring. I always try to look good/clean shaven and desirable.
> 
> Making her think she is sexy sounds impossible. She thinks her breasts are now just part of her and not really a sexual object. Nothing turns her on.


You know your woman better than us, but if you have a defeatist attitude nothing will change. Hell, sometimes just having the balls to shake things up without fearing or caring about a rejection is enough to start turning things around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

So she is all about the chase and now that you're 'caught' she feels she's done.

And yet you still meet her needs by cleaning, cooking, romatic getaways, etc. Stop those immediately just like she stopped the sex.


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## BroderickMi (Mar 30, 2012)

The softer, romantic, giving, pampering kind of love.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Robbi ~

Do you and your wife have any children? I know you said you're newlyweds, but you mentioned you've known each other 8 years. How long actually married?

You mentioned a groping incident from a stranger on a bus. Do you know what your wife's sexual history is? Has she ever been molested or abused?

I know it's tough to feel like keeping going when your spouse seems to fall into a funk right out the gate. The quicker you can take action to try and right the ship, the better off you both will be.

There are a lot of options for you to consider:

- instigating a non-confrontational talk stressing you want your marriage to work and that involves participation in intimacy from both you

- working out a plan together to try and work through whatever issues there may be. There are plenty of self-help resources available and if you've been on TAM lurking and reading you've seen references to many of them. Two that involve joint participation by both spouses are The 5 Love Languages (there's a book and website) and His Needs, Her Needs (also a book and website at marriagebuilders.com)

- independent work on yourself, whether in conjunction with any other option or not... never hurts to look inside yourself and really evaluate if you are bringing the healthiest you - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually - to the table as well. Resources for this could be MMSL (Married Man Sex Life book and blog), NMMNG (No More Mr Nice Guy book and site - if you fit that profile - they have a test on their site to take and if you don't fit the profile you can skip the book and concentrate on other things), and Hold on to your N.U.T.S. book to learn about setting/enforcing boundaries in a relationship

- counseling - independent for either/both or marital together through a professional or your church if you have one

- separation/divorce - if no action from your wife is forthcoming after a valiant effort at trying on your part, you may have to consider whether you are meant to be together

You can come up with something of a plan of action, with a set of escalating steps based on the options above. Sometimes getting moving on something, even if the action is on your side only at this point, can be very helpful.

And...not saying that you are necessarily the problem here. There are probably any number of things lurking in your wife that she will need to make a valiant effort at addressing as well. But, it only takes one person to get the ball rolling... 

Best wishes.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

good luck robbiej.

im 29 now and yes the no sex got worse and worse for me, just a warning to you.

once every 3 or days befroe moved in. then once every 2 weeks when moved in. then once a month when engaged (after child) then once every 6 months after marriage.

we have now split up and get along as freinds. she is seeinng a counsillor


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Robbiej said:


> Without sounding horrible, I don't even get a frigging hand job on my birthday,, were talking 30th Birthday here!.




This reminds me of Louis CK bit about the saddest handjob. 

For me sympathy sex is just not worth it. 

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmban3Fio14


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sounds like you need to sack up and tell her that you have needs and look to her to actually meet them from time to time.

As is oftened explained in these scenarios, you have a few options.

1. Stay on course, live a miserable life
2. Stay on course, cheat to stay sane
3. Force action, she decides to do nothing, you can decide to stay or leave
4. Force action, she decides to fix it, you live a happy life.


What outcomes are you willing to live with?

You could be the most jacked, ripped, studly guy around, but right now you're acting like a weakling. You're not confronting your wife for YEARS on something that's important to you. Probably has a lot to do with her waning attraction. I bet when you were first dating you weren't her doormat.

As with most guys, just taking charge of your life outcome can often light a fire in your woman's panties. Refusing to live a sexless life shows you have drive and self-worth, something that women are attracted to. If you don't believe me, why are guys like Gene Simmons always getting laid?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Blue Moon's response was good. I've become that sweety pie too. We also use code words for sex and body parts. Sex is always on her terms and the passion is rarely there. Maybe when has had enough to drink she has passion. I've been quite distant from her lately because I've had enough. The key is I want to be intimate, passionate and have SEX. I want her to want that too. She has to want it. If not it means nothing to me.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

My wife rarely tells me she loves me except in response to me saying those words. My wife doesn't ever use words like c*ck (to be honest I don't either), and frankly she just doesn't want sex aside from a handful of times a year. I know what it's like to have a wife who's just frankly too tired or unconcerned to make love to me.

Now I'm a nice guy, everyone who knows me that I fit the "nice guy persona" all too well. I'm also a passionate guy. When passion for my wife comes on strongly the "nice guy" takes leave of the building for a moment. I'll walk right up to my wife and give her the biggest most passionate kiss I can muster. I take her into my arms and caress her arms, back, shoulders, basically w/e I know will excite us both. She can just feel the passion flowing from me through my hands and mouth onto her. If she doesn't have something she absolutely needs to do... she'll just go with it.

There are times where you just have to be bold, and have enough feeling for the both of you to start things going. Once in bed, I've found that things tend to take care of themselves... it's just a matter of getting there.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Robie, what ever you do, don't have kids with this woman!

If you think your sex life is bad now, it will get worse if you add kids to the mix!


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