# Distant Spouse



## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I am newly married, just this last March. We made a huge move, to his home state, thousands of miles from mine. It was a rough move, his employer pushed his start date back and back. I felt I needed to work, instead of finishing my masters as planned. I was hired soon and I began working. His family asked us to take in his relative, a teenager. We had worked out a plan. I was going to work, he would begin his training in the spring, as it was an open option rather than the fall. The relative was to move in December and this was July. The last week of July came and his employer asked if he was going to train in the fall or spring. He told them fall. We had been going through tough times financially, the big move, trying to make ends meet, living pay check to pay check. But we decided to make it work. The news of him leaving for training was confusing and I wasn't prepared for that; I thought we made a plan. I heard him out though and he stated he wanted to 'contribute'.

He left and is 700 miles away training. I am working and having a long commute, too. I have to put my children in daycare, an added expense. And eventually the teen moves on. Now I'm by myself and its not easy. My work demands that I work some late evenings and I know no one, but his family. They help some times, other times they are annoyed that I called. Its too hard. 

Psychologically the move is difficult for me. I've left my home state, my family, my friends...everything I am familiar with. The general population is different as well - culture shock. Its not easy. And my husband is gone.

While he's training, he doesn't call or text often. We went weeks between. I had tried to call and I sent him texts; no call backs, no replies. He is exhausted and training from 6am-6pm, sometimes going over into the 7:00 hour at night. He's exhausted. I respect that he needs to focus and get through this. After about a month he finally calls me and we talk for longer than 45 seconds. He's drunk. At first, I hear him out, but then its clear to me that he's been drinking and I call him out on it. I told him to pull himself together. The training calls for a zero tolerance on drinking and already someone has gotten kicked out for it. 

That was a mistake. Weeks go by and he's going out to eat, going out, most likely drinking. He is really having a good ol' time. I ask him to hold back on spending. He makes $200 every other week. We had a joint account. He was spending well over the allotted $100 a week the program was designed to provide. I opened a single account and have my direct deposit moved to it. That was emotionally hard on me, but I felt better after I had full access to my check. It goes into the family home, daycare, food, gas, etc. We don't go out to eat. I wasn't able to purchase new school clothes for my kids at the beginning of the school year.

It began to eat away at me inside, that he was spending, even after I asked him to cut back. There came a time when I had the utility company send my landlord a notice of non-sufficant funds. That was it. I was humiliated. I have a well paying job. He had picked the neighborhood and the rental; going against my gut that it was more than I could afford. But now I'm stuck in a lease, fortunately its only for another 6 months. I plan on moving. 

I have talked to him about all of these things, he really doesn't care. His excuse is that his class required the dinners, his classmates want him to go with. I'm upset by this because I earned my bachelors as a single mom. I went to the study sessions and out to the late night cafes, however, I ordered coffee thats it. Or water. I didn't over indulge myself and spend far more than I can afford. Its common sense to me. 

At this point, I'm so upset with him. He doesn't answer my calls, he waits days after I text asking for a call and claims he's been busy. Sure, yes, the program is going on. But can't he text? Can't he call quickly? I take care of the bills. I can see he is using his texts. I can see he is using his minutes. But they aren't to call home. 

He called one Saturday afternoon and says he's tired, exhausted, is going straight to bed. This Saturday was planned as a "date night" phone call. He gives me the whole, I love you, but I'm just so tired and its been a long week. I say, okay. G'night.

I was paying the bill and noticed more texts, for today's date. He had said he didn't have his phone in training, he didn't text me. So I checked the GPS, its an iPhone. Sure enough he is out down town. I check the account. He's withdrawn $200 

I nearly break down. I text his father, we're close and I know he'll help. He wonders out loud if he's having an affair. I am wondering too.

A week later I pack up the kids and we head up to surprise him for his birthday. He is surprised to see us. The visit is "okay" we do have sex and it was good to snuggle with him. I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to bring up the issues I'm having with him. He begins to ask about it, wants to talk about it, wakes me up to talk more about it. Finally I said, I think you're having an affair. He gets upset. Earlier in the evening he tells me about this married woman, with kids, in the training, and her husband came to town so she lent him her car for the weekend. I thought, that's weird. Why wouldn't she use her car while he's in town? He flew in. That doesn't make sense. And who lends a vehicle? I surely don't. If I"m not using it, I park it. I don't throw the keys to anyone so they can get to know the town better.

None of this is adding up. And now... 7 months into our marriage.... IDK what to do or say. 

I visited last weekend, this past week he hasn't called or text...he's still distant and apart of me has built a wall so high... I am numb when I think of leaving him. I don't cry. I'm embarrassed... but I'm not as emotionally upset as I probably should be.

Is it just me?


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

Update: 
Its the last week of his training, then he'll be home... he has a choice - either to come home on the 7th or the 12th. His training is done and graduation is on the 7th. He's requested to stay til the 12th (the 12th was originally a typo, but after informing him of that his company asked to send him on the 7th - he requested to stay until the 12th) He stated there was another short 3-4 day training he'd like to attend. His company didn't know about it. They want to send him home on the 7th... he's still wanting the original date of the 12th and they're not going to pay for this additional training... 

This is fishy, right? I could be just reading too far into it... but its weird... he's been gone 3 months... they'd think he'd want to come home when he's done. My mind goes to...unless he's having a good time and something, someone, is holding him there.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

What kind of training? Just curious.
And you kind of already know what's going on right?
Now are you going to try and prove it or just wait til he comes home and sweep it under the rug?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like he's in the military.

Did you get the license plate number off that car?

You might want to consider opening up bank accounts in your name only and have your pay go to your account. At least that way he cannot blow the money you earn.

It does sound like he is cheating.

Can you get the phone numbers that he's calling/texting? You can find out whose they belong to.

If he stays until the 12, check his gps location. There is a lot you can find out from that.

I'm sorry but this does not sound good at all. Can you move back home?


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> What kind of training? Just curious.
> And you kind of already know what's going on right?
> Now are you going to try and prove it or just wait til he comes home and sweep it under the rug?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Police Academy. We've been together 4 years. He was military during the first 2 years. 

He has stated that he will go to individual therapy and couples; after he was found lying. It was the first lie, that I know of... after he said he was going to sleep and instead went out. He tried lying 4 times before I couldn't say anything, but "I saw your GPS" and then he was upset and eventually we hung up without any real closure and it was days before he called again... it was then that he promised to go to counseling.

I should include that we're 8 years apart. I am 31 and he is 23.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

Sounds like he's in the military.

*He was, but I never once had any trust issues with him while he was active duty; he's been out for a little over a year*

Did you get the license plate number off that car?

*No, he just told me about it, I didn't see anything or know about it until he mentioned it*

You might want to consider opening up bank accounts in your name only and have your pay go to your account. At least that way he cannot blow the money you earn.

*I have my own bank account and my direct deposit now goes there. He can no longer dip into my account when he goes over. It was after the humiliating realization that a check bounced and the notice went to our landlord. *

It does sound like he is cheating.

:iagree:

Can you get the phone numbers that he's calling/texting? You can find out whose they belong to.

*I'm not sure. We have Verizon Wireless*

If he stays until the 12, check his gps location. There is a lot you can find out from that.

*I agree... I was able to pin point him, then check on google earth and I could see it was a bar/club*

I'm sorry but this does not sound good at all. Can you move back home?

*It doesn't sound good. He wants me to fly to him for his graduation ceremony. He wants me to use his miles. IDK I've said okay, but he has yet to get me his miles number to do the tickets online. Its in a week. IDK. I am able to move. I have the resources, my parents would pay our way (my girls and myself) without hesitation. I could also move in one paycheck, if I were to travel and bring our vehicle with us. I could also do a fast sell and then use that for airfare and just start completely over while staying with my parents. They would never turn away and they are in a position to help; even on short notice*


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

After poking around on this site, I decided to look at our phone records more closely. I opened his text message log. It gives the time sent, time received and the number. Its one number, nearly every night until midnight. I checked my phone, on the days he says he cannot talk to me or is too tired; he's talking to her until he falls asleep.

I saw her when I visited him during a weekend a few weeks ago. She gave me a wicked look, it was a red flag, but some people are just off like that..but I kept it in mind. Now I know why.

I confronted him. He says they haven't slept together. She's married with kids. She was the one that lets him drive her car. I asked him if she gives him money. He was silent. 

I'm not sure what my next move is. I was able to book tickets, yesterday, to his graduation on Thursday. Apparently we will be flying back on the same flight. He says his intention is to come home to "you and the girls." My gut reaction is to get off the plane and go straight home and let him figure it out. I'm so disappointed.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I've made contact with her husband to let him know what I know. 

My sister-in-law is coming over to keep me company; she is really upset that he'd do this. 

Am I making too big of a deal about this?

I don't feel as though I am. Help.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I've confronted them both. They said they would stop contacting one another. I didn't ask them to...

Well, they lied...it takes about a day for current activity to update... they've continued to text, but in much higher volumes now.

Is this just stupid for me to be upset over? I would really like advise.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

No way! 

~sammy


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## SammySam2013 (Dec 4, 2013)

End the heartache, its not going to get any better. You will eventually discover his infidelity and it will break your heart. Put up a strong front for your kids and go back to your family xx


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

He's partying and living the single life....why would he want to come home to responsibility? He is thinking of himself, what makes him feel good, what meets his needs and is enjoying it. You want a family man, someone you can depend on, someone that will be there for you and he is not meeting that so you are disenchanted with the marriage. Does he get it? Probably not! I know that's hard to even think but he is wrapped up in himself. His life isn't about you, his life is about him. Do you see? Is your child in daycare his child? If not his child, I'd say move on. He sounds very immature and sounds like he wants to live a single's life and that is not fair to you or your child.


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