# Mother in Law may move in



## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

I'm in a dilemma. My husband and I were talking about when we're gonna buy a house together in the future and started saying randomly that we'll have my parents visit us and we'll provide everything for them but his mom will be living with us *"permanently*"! I ignored it for the time being since we're in a long distance relationship right now cuz i'm finishing up school. I'm in my last semester and I didn't want to end up fighting long distance with so much stress already from school, so I decided we'll talk about it later.

His mom is a Widow so that makes me the bad guy if i say no. She's living with his sister right now. We agreed that when we start living together after my schooling is done, then she'll be a visiting member...but he's saying she'll be living with us. It's really bothering me to the point where i'm thinking about it while i'm studying. What should I do??

He also wants to go back to school after i'm done. So i was thinking that we probably won't have to deal with this until much later when we do buy a house...or maybe he's even considering his mom living in our apartment wherever we are. What to do please advise such that I dont come off as the bad guy. 

His mom is way too intrusive and i'm the type of person who really needs my space. :scratchhead:What to do??


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Is his mother in need of assistance? You mention her living with his sister right now, so I'm assuming she's not able to live on her own? Or is it because she doesn't want to be alone? 

Do you have a decent relationship with his mother?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

As a wife, I took on that possibility of having my husband's parent's living with us one day. No it can't be the most ideal situation, but my husband's family is my family now. I would find it an honor to have either one of them.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's very difficult to let others move in, especially permanently. My parents moved in our house with their 7 small dogs for a few months to get back up on their feet after my dad had lost his job. My mother is somewhat very controlling. She likes everything her way and her way only right down to the brand names of food! We buy generic to save money. It was one of the more difficult times of our lives. 

I personally wouldn't agree with it. What choice do you really have? Unless she is a nice helpful person, this could put a huge strain on your marriage. You didn't sign up for this. Good luck with it! I'm really sorry about this. I love my in laws, but living with them would not be easy either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

She has her own house which is why we agreed that she'll be on a visiting basis. 
I don't understand why he's suggesting that she live with us permanently. 
I'm not ok with it because she is way too intrusive and loves to give instructions. I like to do things on my own and at my own pace. 
Even on my Winter break when I was visiting my sister in law and she was there, she was telling us what to do and what not to do. She even called us on New Year's Eve when we were out and it was hardly 2AM asking us when we wud be coming home. 
This kinda treatment makes me feel like i'm 16 all over again when i'm almost 30. 
How am I supposed to deal with someone like this??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Avoiding dealing with this now because you don't want to deal with it long distance is a mistake, I think. Your husband and his mom are going to continue to develop expectations on how things will be in the near future, and telling them just shortly before things are finalized will be that much worse than doing it now. My thoughts on that, anyway.

I wouldn't want to have my in-laws live with me, especially when it seems you and your husband might want some "us" time, since you're not currently living together. Having someone else in the house, keeping you from wild monkey sex on the kitchen table just doesn't sound fun.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

creed said:


> She has her own house which is why we agreed that she'll be on a visiting basis.
> I don't understand why he's suggesting that she live with us permanently.
> I'm not ok with it because she is way too intrusive and loves to give instructions. I like to do things on my own and at my own pace.
> Even on my Winter break when I was visiting my sister in law and she was there, she was telling us what to do and what not to do. She even called us on New Year's Eve when we were out and it was hardly 2AM asking us when we wud be coming home.
> ...


Well this is something you have to lovingly be let known from the start. This is your house. You want her to feel welcome and loved but you do things your way in your house. You have to ignore and blow her off very gently but seriously. Sometimes tell her her advice is good or her ideas are good, but don't let her think she can tell you what to do. There are kind and loving ways to put your foot down.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would kill myself.

No, not really, but this is my worst nightmare (not my MIL, but my mom. I don't have a MIL.)


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I would kill myself.
> 
> No, not really, but this is my worst nightmare (not my MIL, but my mom. I don't have a MIL.)



So, were you a nightmare to handle also and she had to put up with you for 18 or how many ever years you stayed in her house. OH but wait, she's your mom and that's her job and she had to do it right lol.

So much for loving I guess. Not attacking you but so many kids today are like this, only see right now and here and forget how much our parents had to put up with when we were growing up.

I would hate to have my parents or in-laws live with us but I would not say no. They will always be welcome because they raised me up and I was no angel during some of those years I was under their roof.

Now if your mom has mental issues or is an axe murderer then that's a different story.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I would kill myself.
> 
> No, not really, but this is my worst nightmare (not my MIL, but my mom. I don't have a MIL.)



LOL...I had to laugh when I read this!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> So, were you a nightmare to handle also and she had to put up with you for 18 or how many ever years you stayed in her house. OH but wait, she's your mom and that's her job and she had to do it right lol.
> 
> So much for loving I guess. Not attacking you but so many kids today are like this, only see right now and here and forget how much our parents had to put up with when we were growing up.
> 
> ...


She was and is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me my whole life.

Don't judge me. You don't know my life or my situation with MY MOTHER.

What did she put up with me? I was a straight A student with a BA by the time I was 21. I did my chores and worked part time since I was 15 (full time in the summers) and moved out at 21. 

Dude. Back off.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

OMG lol ok lets not go off subject.

Can we get back to my situation...i have a mother in law who is a complete chatterbox and loves to tell everyone what to do. Part of why she's like that is cuz she's the oldest in her family...but i dont like to take instructions...my parents gave me tips and instructions up till i was 18 and now they say that we've given u a good foundation and the rest is up to u as far as how u wanna live ur life...as long as u are happy.
My mother in law however tries to tell every single soul she interacts with what to do and how to do it.

She's too intrusive!!! OMG when we were visiting my sister in law, i put my clothes in the washer which included mine and my husband's underwear as well...she continued our cycle and then folded all our laundry including all our underwear and placed it in our room.
Its awkward when your mother in law is going through your bras and panties!!! She shouldnt be doing that. She doesnt think that her son is all grown up and married. 
Who folds their grown married son and daughter's in law undergarments ... not to mention cleaning out our bathroom trash which included pads!
AWKWARD! She totally gets all up in ur business!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> She was and is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me my whole life.
> 
> Don't judge me. You don't know my life or my situation with MY MOTHER.
> 
> ...


Umm, I did say if she had mental issues and such, which your mom does with how she mistreated you back then so unless you missed that part I never said you were a bad person for not taking her in. But whatever...

As to the OP, only you can decide what you want. Everyone will have their own opinions. Some people can do it, others cannot and then you have to take your spouse and kids into consideration.

My kids love both sides of the family and my wife was brought up the same way I was so we could do it, even if my father can sometimes make me want to drive myself off a cliff at times.

Sit down with the wife and just go over the pros and cons, unless you're adamant about it then just tell your wife she can stay for a while but not live with you because it just won't be feasible.

Good luck to you, but you're on the wrong side of the barrel on this one, which ever way you choose you lose


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> She was and is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me my whole life.
> 
> Don't judge me. You don't know my life or my situation with MY MOTHER.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Thank you!

Don't talk about what you don't know, cheatinghubby. 

It would have made more sense to ask what kind of person TG's mother was, before attacking her with nasty words.

My mother was horrible to me for many years. I was similar to TG in that my behavior, grades and work ethic were beyond reproach. I left at 21 because I was tired of the abuse.

Now she is old and three of her four children rarely visit, so she has a lot of regrets. She just left me a syrupy sweet message, because her guilt is making her treat me nicely. My first thought was "Is she drunk?" 

How sad that I am too scarred to trust my own mother-I cannot be best friends like she would want. She is just too volatile, insulting and controlling.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

You and you husband have to decide together whether or not you can accommodate his mother living with you, then he presents the decision to his mother as a joint decision. There is no good guy/bad guy here. She doesn't get to come in between you. 

A parent chooses to bring a child into the world and any effort it takes to raise that child is on the parent, not some debt that is accrued by the child. Personally, I would go to great lengths to support my parents in their old age but that would not necessarily include accommodating either or both of them in my household. That would depend on how it would affect me, my wife, and children.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

Thanks for your advice. 

I just talked to my husband and indirectly brought up the subject as to when we will move in together after my graduation. We started talking about what will be cheaper and he straight up said we'll need a 2 bedroom.
When I asked why he said one room for his mom. I said ok ya my parents and your mom can stay in that room when they visit,
He responded saying to me that your parents can visit but my mom is a permanent member of our family. She will have a permanent room in our apartment.

We had talked about this before we got married since I already knew that he's the only son and she's a widow.

He told me at that time that his mom will only be a visiting member and me and him will be the main heads of the house.

Now he just lost his temper and said that its gonna be "HIS house" and he is his mom's son and she will have a permanent room and she can come and go as she wishes.

I feel really disrespected, betrayed, and feel like i was lied to. He said something else before we got married and now he's saying something else. Im really angry with him and we just ended our phone call abruptly. 

I was trying to avoid this but I feel like its better for it to be out there right now.

I dont feel comfortable living with his mother and now he's told me flat out that its gonna be HIS home and he decides everything.

What am i to do?


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

Hey guys

We just got into a major fight. I tried to talk about how our apartment would be like and he started saying that it will be a 2 bedroom for sure to start off.
I said we cud start with a 1 bedroom and then right away he said it has to be 2 cuz one room will be for his mom.
Then i told him that both my parents and his mom can visit us and stay in the 2nd room if thats what he had in mind.
But then he straight up said that its gonna be HIS home and in HIS home he will have a permanent room for his mom and she can come and go as she wishes. He started talking about priorities and that he is His mom's son and she will have a permanent room in HIS home no matter what I say or feel.
Before we got married I was very open and clear that I would have a problem living together with his mom and he said thats fine...she'll only be visitng. But now he's saying something else.

I feel hurt, betrayed, upset, and feel like he lied to me. 

What am supposed to feel. When he says its HIS home i feel like i'm no one! Im so upset right now


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

When you are married, you share your home and decisions about living arrangements. Your husband is being a stubborn mama's boy.

I'm wondering if there is a cultural basis for his devotion to his mother. 

Quite often, widows and sons become extremely dependent on each other. Tell your husband that he can marry his mother, if she is more imporant than his wife!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yep. She hasn't moved in yet and already she's causing problems.

Having his mother in your house will be deadly to your marriage.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

He told me that if this is so important to me than i'm free to make "the decision" as I wish...translation: i can leave him and end this marriage as i wish since this is so important to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

OP, your MIL sounds like someone who will definitely cause issues...but how will you put your foot down? He seems pretty adamant to move her in...this is already a bad situation.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

i've been given the green light to just go


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

creed said:


> He told me that if this is so important to me than i'm free to make "the decision" as I wish...translation: i can leave him and end this marriage as i wish since this is so important to me.


WOW! So basically he chose his mom over his wife.

What a jerk! So what did you say??


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

I just told him that he lied to me and i cudnt say anything more and he just said that he doesnt wanna talk anymore


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

creed said:


> i've been given the green light to just go


He is just letting you go? Just because he wants his Mommy to move in?

What other problems are there in your marriage??

I'd probably leave though. He can have his mommy. Maybe they can get a 1 bedroom.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

We never have had any other problems except for his control issues. He comes from a family where everything the man says goes. And thats why everytime he'd talk about the future he'd say "My house" My kids etc


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

we've only been married for a year and a half...and ya teh way he put it he's picking his mom over me


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm sorry  This sucks.

I say, hwoever, to get out and RUN AWAY from this...well, do it the right way, but....wow. It will only get worse...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

So he learned that the man is the king growing up. I hate to say it, but he probably picked a woman that was easy to control.

You have the choice to leave and possibly meet a more suitable partner down the road. Do you work and have the means to support yourself? If not, find out about government benefits just until you get back on your feet.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He is just letting you go? Just because he wants his Mommy to move in?
> 
> What other problems are there in your marriage??
> 
> I'd probably leave though. *He can have his mommy. Maybe they can get a 1 bedroom*.


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: That's why I love you, T.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

omg im devastated. he refuses to listen to me. and watever i say im wrong


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then don't say anything at all. You know where each stands, it doesn't seem to be something that you two can compromise on....and it IS a deal breaker. 

Start figuring out your plan B.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Listen, I hate to say this,but if you honestly can not tough out having his mother live there permanently, you are going to have to stay or leave. .There is no compromising on this cause he has made it very clear that his mother is more important than you which is wrong. His mother will always be his mother, but you may not always be his wife which is why it is so important to stand by each other and put each other first. In your case, his mother comes first This is a *huge* red flag and your disagreement tonight is only the beginning. Deal with this now or you will end up posting here in several months about your misery. Another thing that you also need to consider, based off his actions, he will never ever take your side on anything when it comes to his mother, now or in the future. Ponder on that as well. Think of all the things that could go wrong involving his mom and you telling him and how he would react.... All I can say is, you will always end up being the enemy. You will get double teamed every single time. If you don't mind this staying shouldn't be a problem. On the bright side though, she may not be as bad as you think given you explain to her in a nice but firm way how you feel. Sometimes people don't know that they are being intrusive especially when the nice daughter in law just doesn't say anything.Next time she's in your 'space', make it known then and there, each and every time and she will get it.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

We are from a South Asian culture. He says that i will be the Queen of that house and whatever i say will go.
But i dont know how to trust him. He changes his statements based on watever works for him. 
His sister moved out of her parent in law's house and has her own place. He used to tell me how his sister doesn't get along with her own MIL and eventually she convinced her husband to move out.
When I used the fact that his sister lives separately, he started saying he doesnt agree with their situation.
This is a complete 180 for me. And he keeps changing things as he goes. How can i trust that things will go my way in the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is the norm in your culture in the situation where the MIL lives in the home? My impression is that it's the MIL who is normally the QUEEN of the her son's home and his wife serves her.

Am I right?


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

ok, well my H & I are currently in MC for a similar situation. his parents dont live with us, but my MIL constantly interferes & makes demands on our time. we come from similar cultural backgrounds so i get where you are coming from.

anyway, our MC has really helped put things in perspective. we need to make time to spend with our respective families, BUT we also need time to spend together as a couple in order to reconnect, as our partnership comes 1st. she also emphasised that we are a team & need to make major decisions together as a couple.

so basically its the 2 of us first, then his our parents & siblings. perhaps part of the reason these issues have cropped up is because of your long distance relationship? its probably fuelling the disconnect bet. you 2?

my advice is give this some time to cool down. he's not gonna hear anything you say now anyway. then sit down with him & explain that both your parents are equally important in your lives & you guys owe them a great deal. however, you feel that major decisions such as living arrangements need to be made together. perhaps suggest that she live a the same town, but have her own place. in that way he can check on her a couple of times a week & you guys can do weekly dinners with her but without having her in your personal space.

be careful though, cos if he doesnt want to compromise dont get bulldozed into agreeing cos he think that things will change down the line. if you set a precedent now hubby & mom will make all the major decisions in your life, such as children, how to raise them, where to live, your life plan etc.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You cannot have a decent marriage with MIL living in your home.
I think you got married before being ready (still in school, living a part) and without knowing the fuill picture (his requirement to live with Mom).


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

maybe you are right...i feel now that i shouldnt have gotten married in between school cuz it has taken its toll on the relationship.
i feel like i have a very different life at school.
sometimes its hard to concentrate on school because i'm away. i havent talkd to him for a whole day now.
i told him alotta things he said are really wrong and hurtful. 
i said alotta things to him as well that now i feel bad about.
things wud probably be different if we were together physically.
but i still have 6 more months to go to finish school. thats another thing...when things start to get really crazy between us he always tells me that i need to quit school and come back to him and take care of him. 
i cant wait till school is over but i'm also afraid what is gonna happen in between these 6 months.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My mother in law sleeps in a coffin and comes out at night. So any dark dank corner of the basement will do.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

creed said:


> We are from a South Asian culture. He says that i will be the Queen of that house and whatever i say will go.
> But i dont know how to trust him. He changes his statements based on watever works for him.
> His sister moved out of her parent in law's house and has her own place. He used to tell me how his sister doesn't get along with her own MIL and eventually she convinced her husband to move out.
> When I used the fact that his sister lives separately, he started saying he doesnt agree with their situation.
> This is a complete 180 for me. And he keeps changing things as he goes. How can i trust that things will go my way in the future.


I am very famililar with South Asian culture. I had a hunch that was your background as soon as you mentioned your issues.

I know that divorce is frowned upon in your culture and I also know how it feels to be raised in a belief system that subjugates women.

My dear old therapist always commended the way I refused to be heavily influenced by my parent's cultural expectations. At the end of the day, I had to live for myself and not their outdated and sexist nonsense. I am the black sheep because I moved out before I was married *shock* *horror* and I did not allow my mother to take over my wedding.


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## creed (Jun 30, 2011)

Ya thats true...divorce is definitely not appreciated in my culture. I do love my husband very much. We concluded at him saying he's gonna try his best to make things work the way I want them..for at least a couple years in the beginning...and hopefully i can just convince him to keep it at that instead of adding on his mom in our home. we'll see. 
we dont really discuss it anymore.


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