# Taking her back, NEED HELP!



## Hurtbuthopeful (Apr 7, 2011)

​I am new to this site. I found it yesterday during the worst and most painful moment of my life and I feel alone with no outlet to express my feelings. I have been married just over a year and our marriage has had ups and downs, but has been overall very happy. Recently in fact I was starting to feel that it was amazing. My wife's attitude had changed and she had started to overcome (or so I thought) some of the insecurities she had as a result of her parents extremely unhealthy relationship and and the environment she grew up in. I don't say that to excuse what she did, just to shed light on the events leading to what I can only describe as an emotional buffeting (for me) of a magnitude I had never before imagined.

​Her parents were very dishonest with each other, hiding things from one another constantly. Her father was emotionally and physically abusive to his wife and to his daughter (his son was spared for some reason). This led to my now wife developing some serious insecurities and learning about what a marriage is like from some terrible examples. Through patience and love I helped her to slowly believe that her mistakes would not be punished with anger and abuse, only with patience and sorrow. I know I may seem like a self proclaimed saint (I'm not) but I do love my wife with all my heart and can't understand what I may have done to cause this. 
​Last weekend she took a trip to Vegas to spend time with her mother. My wife's father passed away about 2 years ago and on those important events in her mother's life (such as birthdays) her mother often expresses her loneliness and desire not to be alone. I could not go as I had Military and school obligations to meet. I also am not a big fan of her mother (I'm sure if you make it through my too long story you will begin to see why), however, I figured that her spending time with her 51 year old mother laying by the pool and maybe going to some shows and shopping couldn't hurt and might be healthy. We are religious and do not drink at all. She told me she would be good and I had nothing to worry about. I (foolishly) trusted her implicitly. I'll skip some details that are less important. 
​She had her nails done before she went and left her wedding ring at a salon on accident. I do believe it was an accident because she easily could have taken it with and removed it so as not to rouse my suspicion, so I went to retrieve it. On her return, everything was fine. She seemingly had missed me a great deal, and I had missed her. Then the night before last she broke down and told me she had done something terrible. When pressed she admitted to drinking a lot all three nights in Vegas. She told me between sobs that she had ruined our marriage and she had slept with another man she had met there. I was devastated. I have always abhorred cheating and considered it to be the only thing I would ever leave my wife for. Anything else could be fixed. I married my wife believing that we would be an eternal family and we could weather any storm. But this was something else. She had done it twice, two successive nights. 
​I believe that her mother's influence (she pushed her to drink and "have fun", buying all the alcohol for her) on her was a huge factor in her infidelity. However, and as much as I wish it were not so, *it was ultimately my wife's decision*. 
​I asked the details last night. Her mother wanted to dance and basically pick up on guys. They were drunk and my wife had access to all the booze she could handle and more courtesy of her mother. Her mother met some guys and they started talking. A friend of theirs who was younger (but still older than my wife by several years) started to talk to my wife and continued to buy her drinks. My wife had not had a drink at all in over 2 years since this weekend, so I'm sure she was beyond the point of much reason, likely struggling to put sentences together. I'm sure it sounds like I am defending my wife, and likely that is in part what I'm doing, but I would appreciate comments so I am sharing my perspective. Her mother, being the pathetic excuse for a mother that she has become (my wife says she wasn't always this way) gave my wife the room key and told her she going back to her hook-up's hotel. Then she left her young newly married and extremely drunk daughter with a man she didn't know and easily could have put my wife's life in danger. I do not claim to never have had a drink, and I know there is a point where a person becomes so drunk they can scarcely make a decision at all, let alone a correct one. So this is the source of my anger with my mother in law. Long story short, they ended up in the OM's room, he started kissing her, she didn't resist, and the source of my pain took place. 
​I had no idea this had happened. She called me at 3 that morning and claimed she was scared and that her mother had left her in the room while she was asleep and was gone and sounded terrified and alone (now I believe she felt extreme remorse and wanted to hear me tell her that I loved her). She said she was mad at her mom and was coming home the next day. I told her that her mother's actual birthday was tomorrow (not knowing what had happened and not suspecting a thing) and that she should think it over and decide in the morning. I would of course support whatever she chose. How foolish I was. It seems that my wife had resolved not to do this again and that she would be okay. The pattern of events basically repeated itself. I have a much harder time dealing with the second such act because I am positive that my intelligent wife knew eactly what would happen if she went out drinking again. Apparently the man with her mother had been too hammered to seal the deal and failed the night before, so naturally he wanted another crack at it. So along comes the OM to hook up with my wife. When I asked her what she was thinking the second time, she said she had lost all hope that I would stay with her anyway and in her hopelessnessshe gave in once again. I actually agree with her logic. Even I underestimated my love for her, why shouldn't she? But this time she knew what she was getting into, going as a lamb to slaughter, knowingly shattering my heart and my trust. 
​I have thought, read, prayed, looked for help on sites such as these, and ultimately decided that I love her too much to give up on her just yet. She is going to start counseling for her issues as well as marriage counseling with me. I am grateful she decided to tell me herself and so soon after. I feel this shows true remorse on her part and a desire to right the wrong. She has so far shown she is willing to do anything and everything it takes to win me back. I asked for passwords to her email and facebook and the like, as well checked her phone. She obliged without a moments hesitation. I have realized the decision to stay or go is individual, and this, although harder, I believe, than it would be to leave her, is right for me. I have expressed to her that any dishonesty or repeat behavior will be the end, not as a threat, but because I won't allow her to do this again think I might let it go. I will forgive her either way, but next time I will forgive without her in my life. We have no children, so the only thing keeping me with her is my love and hope that it will never happen again. 
​If anyone was patient enough to make it through this, I am looking for a way to talk to others who have experienced my hurt, heartache and sorrow, as well as looking for any tips on how to best prevent something such as this from happening again. Any ideas you have would be much appreciated. Also, I'm sure there are those who would say, "Leave her man! You're nuts!". I think I may be a little nuts, but I would ask for only positive and supportive comments please. I've made my decision, feel good about it, and just want someone to understand and help. Thank you so much for reading, and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered the same betrayal at the hands of the one you love the most.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hurt,

Well, I won't tell you to leave, but you ARE making up excuses for her behavior. Once is a mistake. Twice is deliberate, regardless of the excuse she gave you. If she was so remorseful, then she shouldn't have gone with the OM the second night. That you accepted her excuse basically tells her..."hey baby. Cheat on me all you want. And when you need to let the guilt off your chest for your own benefit, I'll just be here to roll over and take it.

Now, this is not being critical. This is real advise. Because what you need to truly realize is that if you just gave her a free pass, she will not respect you at all and eventually, it will happen again. So, you need to take this into consideration when you work on your reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The good thing is that she confessed to you.

Get tested for STDs.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Sounds like she has a lousy mother. Next birthday she can come visit you two. Looks like youve made the decision to stay, and hopefully "if" there was something more sinister going on as opposed to "oops, I messed up, twice", then the MC and counselling can help break that and really get to the heart of the matter. Good luck, keep an eye open. The only prevention you will find is how much of a warden you want to be. There will always come a point where you will have to trust her in or on something, and that will not be something you can prepare for, or prevent something happening while doing so. Do keep a little cash somewhere for emergencies.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Hurtbuthopeful said:


> When I asked her what she was thinking the second time, she said she had lost all hope that I would stay with her anyway and in her hopelessness she gave in once again. I actually agree with her logic.


That is the most absolute piss poor logic I've ever heard in my life. "In her hopelessness?" Do you really, seriously, undoubtedly, agree with her logic? 

First off, dude, separate your paragraphs so I don't have to use a fricken magnifying glass to read it. Damn, I'm 30 and your ****s got me thinking I'm 90, all squinting and sht.

How old are you and your lady, MAYBE 21? Wow, her mother needs to be put into an institution. Jesus, I have no advice for you. Your girl seems way too naive and young for marriage.

By the way, my wife also lives in vegas, also cheated! Good luck.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

If my comment sounds mean, I apologize, it's almost Friday and I'm celebrating... That it's almost Friday, I mean. Beer good, cheating bad!


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## Hurtbuthopeful (Apr 7, 2011)

Yeah, I agree with the statement about me making excuses. In fact, In know that's what it is. It just hurts. i am youngish, 26. She is younger still by about 3 years. I should have separated the paragraphs. I actually didn't realize how long the post was. I just started writing. Stupid mistake, sorry.
I want to talk to her mother but I'm not sure that will help. I've been thinking about it a lot. Also, I don't know how to proceed. She hurts too, I can see that. I want to comfort but I am angry as well, and I think I need to give her more time to feel the weight of what she did.
13th, take it easy with comments. I am new and looking for help as I'm sure you were at one time. I know her logic is BS. I just can see how she could think that. I've read numerous posts on here of others saying essentially the same thing. Just because I see how one could come to that doesn't mean I think it's okay.


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## Hurtbuthopeful (Apr 7, 2011)

Also, how do I indent? Tab doesn't work, just skips to somewhere on the screen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Her mother is a piece of work.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's not ok. The comments are excuses, to minimize her guilt, and make you believe it. Stop believing it.

Yes! Tell her mother! Give her a dose of fk u, btch! She's not like any loving mother I know of. Shes not a friend of your marriage, that's for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtbuthopeful (Apr 7, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, I am starting to realize I can't accept her excuses or even my own. I have decided to talk to her mother and tell her she needs to quit being so disgustingly selfish and think of being a mother for once. 
Tried to edit the post and separate the paragraphs, but couldn't figure out how. I'd like to fix it so others can read it with more ease than you all.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Hurtbuthopeful said:


> Also, how do I indent? Tab doesn't work, just skips to somewhere on the screen.


Just hit "enter" after each paragraph, but that's not important. Sorry about my comments. You're new to the cheating world, it hurts, yea, I was there, still am. I never thought it could happen to me either. I met her when I was 21. I was a soldier, jumped out of planes, wild and crazy, bad ass. Then I got older, became smart, level headed, lots of money and BAM, she cheated on me. Now, are we on the same page? The worst pain you've ever felt..

I know how you feel, bro. I really REALLY do. We were together almost 10 years. Down the drain...

It will take you a few days, maybe weeks to realize what has happened and how it's REALLY going to affect you. I'm sorry, but you need to here the positive and the negative perspectives. Which you choose is completely up to you. It sounds like you want to work things out, awesome. I did too when I first found out. A month past and I changed my mind. Now I'll be filing for divorce in the coming months. Just depends on you, bro.


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## Hurtbuthopeful (Apr 7, 2011)

Thanks 13th. It's good to hear that people have read my post and feel for me. I think that helps as much as anything. I know anything can happen. I just want to be able to recover, however that may work. Right now that seems to be by staying and working things out. Until something changes, that's all I've got as far as my marriage (I say that because I don't want to appear completely hopeless. I'm not).
As far as being tested, we haven't been intimate since she got back (she claimed an infection that she'd had before, really she was ashmed I'm sure), and I made her promise to get tested by the end of this week, then show me proof that she was tested and is clean (I hope). Smart advice.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

im 3 weeks from finding out about my H's brief affair. his excuses were, " he didnt think he loved me anymore" and he was "drunk" all 3 times! yeah right! but sure enough after it all happened he confessed and told me he loves me more now than ever - like you can just switch it on and off!! i have gone through every emotion under the sun and my current one is anger. i hate feeling so angry, esp as i have a 4 year old that were trying to not let see any of this. 
our problem is that he didint use protection all 3 times with her so now were having to go get tested next week, which i am dreading, as he never actually stopped being intimate with me! 
im fairly hopeful we can work it out, we have been togther since we were 15, (now 32) and cant imagine my life without him, but he is a differen person to me now, and thats what im struggling with.
read loads on here, there are some lovely people with good advice, i dont know what i would do if i didnt have this site!
sending you a big hug xx


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

I read your post with sadness, so soon into marriage and it is burdened with the terrible pain of infidelity . 

You need to take a step back here for your own sanity and set in place a more secure future for you with positive action to give yourselves both a new foundation if you want to make it work.

Your wife with her first time mistake showed immediate remorse. Her mother is bad influence, so you now have two women in your life whom you can NOT trust. 

The second time, hmm. This shows a pattern. Her excuse seemed plausible and that is the word that springs immediately to mind here. I fear in the future your heart could be broken again into further pieces with another affair, ONS and this would be terrible if you had kids. 

Infidelity is a terribly painful experience and you will go through a rollercoaster of feelings. Shock, numbness, betrayal. The endless cheating lies; that someone you love can lie so much to you. Barefaced lies, so many lies. 

Value you. Accepting your wife's unacceptable behaviour so quickly means you devalue you and your beliefs. 

She probably needs to go live with mom or relatives, friends for a few months to learn what it is like to lose YOU so she understands what she loses in all of this and she needs to work very hard, very hard to win her way back into your life. That way, I think you may look forward to the future in a more secure way. The relationship becomes stronger because she had to work her way back into your life and then she values you, never to risk losing you again.

If you make it easy, you will always be looking over your shoulder because you may no longer trust her anymore and the pain is not then just yours, but your kids too.

In your favour here,
1) No emotional attachment to the other person (you lost her body temporarily but not her mind and body - that's even worse!
2) She was drunk
3) No kids - so you can give more consideration to ask her to leave till you get your head around her treacherous behaviour, her betrayal and deal on your own the issues, the fact that she totally disrepected herself and YOU by VIOLATING your relationship, your trust.

Not in your favour
1) Not once, but twice she had sex with a man whilst betrothed to you. 
2) She had an infection - may mean (or not) that it isn't the first time, second but a third? You now know you can no longer trust her so you may re evaluate everything about your relationship. An effect of infidelity. 
3) You can't stop her seeing her mom for the rest of your life - she helped encourage the behaviour. 

If you want to make it work, the hard work starts now and you will need outside professional help.

Make it too easy for her and YOUR future isn't bright because like a kid that doesn't learn the seriousness of their bad behaviour, they will do it time and time again.

She is the one that needs to work hard to win you back, not the other way round. My opinion.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I could feel your pain in the words of your post, and I'm sorry.

I know you only wanted positive replies, but there is a very real aspect you are probably not considering. You are just beyond the honeymoon glow of this marriage, and she cheated twice. What happens later, when the marriage begins to lose its shine? 

Many men and women are tempted to infidelity at various stages. You got hit twice on the first stage, that's all I'm saying. If you choose to stay, consider intensive counseling, because you are already assuring her that you will help her excuse this behavior.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

With all these circumstance involved, nothing is working against you more.... than YOU.

Your wife's parents have taught her some very poor behaviors and you have successfully confirmed that those behaviors have no consequences. You are officially part of the problem. This is not opinion, this is fact. You dont have to be, but currently you are.

The post indicated you have been married for a year. That is right in the middle of the Oxytocin stage of a marriage. The chemical reaction that allows us to overlook the flaws in our spouses. The fact is that what people say here will have little to no effect on you unless it results in you achieving a reconnection. (Oxytocin is the chemical that allows bonding and is produced during early stages of relations, during live birth and breastfeeding in women) Basically we are talking to a drug addict incapable of making the right choice until the drug wears off or you choose to see reality as it is, and not as you wish it were.

You have posted this within a day or so of D-DAY. Your emotional state should change about 12 more times over the next week or so. The decision to Take her back could not be rational at this time, even if it is what you decide from a clear state of mind down the road. Making the right choice is important, but making it from an objective state of mind is more important.

You have not separated your wife from her environment. You blame the OM, the Mother, The drinking and everything around her more than you blame her. In essence you are her cheerleader. What you are giving her are words of encouragement. 


I will share a secret with you... 

Nobody grows, nobody even remembers... from the things that are easy and comfortable in life. 

Overcoming difficult times is what makes us stronger and what makes us grow. You are trying to make this comfortable for her, and in return you are making this comfortable on yourself. 

If you have a prayer of making this work, you need to get hurt and she needs to get hurt. You need to stop making excuses for her and stop thinking that your logical and saintly approach will absolve her sins and make you feel any better about yourself. Martyrs smile in the face of adversity because they think their suffering is "for the greater good" well guess what buddy... THE DIE. and a few weeks later they are forgotten.


All of this is working against you, and more. This what you are doing wrong in your own head before you take the first action or say the first word. That is where you need to start. in your mind.

Dont even worry about the healing process yet. You have not yet made a rational decision. A general doesn't send his army out without a plan and a plan is not made without Intel. So dont do anything, dont plan anything until you get your head on right.

Fix You First.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey hurt---OK--so what do you intend to do with your wife----You can't lock her in a tower--if you go away by yourself, lets say for business, military, school etc.

Your wife has no willpower---1st time she is out on her own--she gets so drunk that she allows herself to go off with a total stranger--who in all actuality could have raped, beaten, killed, robbed her, and just out of curiosity while I think about it---was the sex protected or unprotected---your wife probably doesn't know so now you both need to get tested for STD

Her story about not knowing what was going on, sorry I don't buy that---DROP DEAD FALLING DOWN DRUNKS KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG----Your wife may have been drunk, but she knew she was married, and yet she agreed to not only hook-up with the guy, but to go with him---not once but twice---and please stop excusing your wife's behavior---with the hopelessness excuse---she just wanted to have her fun a 2nd time

No matter what you have a major problem, your wife who you are so willing to forgive, and sweep this incident under the table has no idea of right from wrong, morals, or willpower---This happened in the 1st year of a mge., when the spouses are completely into each other, they love each other so much, that they see no one else---there is no one else for them but their spouse, this lasts for a few years, but here you have a spouse who willingly, went out, put herself in HARMS WAY and knowingly spread her legs twice---once again are you gonna lock her in a tower---she can't be trusted on her own--she has no judgement---and she rationalizes horribly

Yes she went clubbing with her mother, but NO ONE FORCED HER TO TAKE THAT 1st or and subsequent drinks

You have a major problem, on your hands---you are now miserable, with visions, and a gone wild sub-conscious when you should be happy with peace of mind, carefree, and the world is good---instead you are now miserable, and this isn't going away anytime soon--------In your taking her back YOU MUST BE VERY HARDLINE about this whole situation---if she percieves you handled this in a weak manner, she will cheat again knowing she can get away with it, as you will do nothing about it, and let her slide---she must be accountable, and at this point no lovey--dovey---you need to be tsted anyway---


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm sorry if what I'm about to say will hurt you deeply but your W's assertion that she had sex again with the OM was because she felt she had already lost you is pure grade A BS said only to spare your feelings.

The truth is that no woman willingly has sex with a stranger unless she is powerfully attracted to him and wants to be intimate with him. Your W isn't going to tell you that she enjoyed the sex so much with the OM the first time they were together and that was the reason she had sex with him a second time. If you don't believe me, then calmly, quietly and respectfully ask her if she enjoyed the sex with the OM. Chances are good that she will hesitate in responding because she is afraid to tell you the truth which is that she did enjoy it.

*Your W allowed herself to be seduced by the ol' saying 'what goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas' and 'what your H doesn't know won't hurt him'* which was probably encouraged by her toxic mother giving her alcohol knowing full well the consequences of doing so.

What your W didn't count on is her conscience tormenting her for her betrayal. This the true reason why she confessed to you. Ironically, the fact that she has a conscience is a good sign that there is hope for her.

If she is truly serious about wanting to save herself and the marriage, she will have to agree to the following:

1. Your W MUST end all contact with her mother. No mother who truly loves her daughter would have allowed the destructive events that took place to occur in the first place. She should write her a NC (no contact) letter expressing the reason why she will never contact her again. Hopefully this will help her mother to look inside herself and address her own demons that caused her to do so much damage to her child. If not so be it.

2. Your W must seek IC (individual counseling) to address her demons so that she can heal her shattered psyche.

NOBODY deserves to be betrayed, NOBODY. I wish you the best of luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I agree with the last poster----the 2nd escapade should really bother you---I am guessing it was already planned---the guy just didn't show up, and your wife just didn't show up---strangers don't do things like that---they would have had other things going on--they would have moved on---this 2nd night was planned

The alcohol description doesn't really fit either---if she was that drunk, she would have passed out---she is 23---how big is she---women can not handle as much alcohol as men do, they pass out---with all the alcohol you say went into her---how did she manage to conduct an evening with the guy---and end up somewhere having sex with him---if she was falling down drunk he wouldn't have wanted her anyway----and she wouldn't have made it thru the night

What kind of a wife do you have on your hands right now---how remorseful is she---does she wanna continue with you---does she wanna do what is necessary, to work on this mge

What do you want, do you wanna put in the time monitering her for alcohol usage, keeping her away from her mother, she obviously can't be trusted to be out on her own---so how do you intend to handle this whole situation

You either have one very immature 23 yr old---or you have a very decietful manipulating, lying wife who knows exactly what she is doing, and how to get what she wants---2nd option looks to be the more realistic---due to her FOO

You have some hard decisions here --and you need to look at them not from, Oh I lover her so much, and I will take her on as a project---you need to look at it from the standpoint of you only get one trip thru life on this planet, and is staying with her really the best option for you


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

A lot of people hear me talking about "knowing that she has the capicity to cheat"

Let me clairify that for you.

My wife went to school for 4 years in pre-med at which point she saw some things she cound not stomach. Some people do not have the ability to be a doctor. Some people can. Your wife can cheat, some people can't. You are married to a cheater, not a drunk, not a victim of bad role models but a cheater.

You may have thought before that your wife could not have been that way, but now you know she is. She is in fact completely different than you though she was. 

In the end, you will have to ask yourself is you can be with THIS woman instead.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

90% of your post is about an excuse why wife did this. 
if you are giving her all that excuse why are you here. 

Guess what man, your wife knew what she was doing first time, and she knew what was she doing second time. and I guarantee it that in near future she will do it again. 
I have seen women wasted and very drunk and still able to control themselves. 
I don't care what her mother is, she is 23 year old and can think for herself. 
you said religious, are you originally from the US, sorry for the question but from the way you are talking it seems from overseas.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

One more thing, have her and yourself -if you had sex with her after she came back from Vegas - tested for STDs. 

Since she can't be trusted with keeping her legs closed around strange men, having sex with her is like playing Russian roulette.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, Your wife is an adult. Your MIL isn't responsible for your wife's behavior any more than your parents are responsible for yours. 
So what have you got to go on? Drinking is NO excuse, your mil is NO excuse, your wife's "hopelessness", is NO excuse, being in Vegas is NO excuse. . You have to face facts, your wife cheated on you because at the time she WANTED to. She listened to smooth talking OM and spread her legs, not once but twice!! I'm sorry to be so blunt, but what is going to happen the next time she is with another man and he "hits", on her? She already knows that you will roll over, so she will probably do it again, and then come crying again when she feels guilty. Is this how you want to live your life? You really can never trust her again, can you?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I think i need to take a break from the board, lol... I think after you see this type of situation enough you start to get cynical. I mean i cant help but look at this post and think... " Hey Akmed, is that your wife they are dragging into the street?" - "Yeah, Samir, I cant believe what happened.... Oh well.. Got a rock?"


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're going through this Hurtbuthopeful, being betrayed by the person you trusted most hurts deeply.

I've read some other posts and I feel the one's who've also experienced infidelity in their marriages are the ones with the most realistic advice. Positive or negative. Until you've lived it, you can't really know what you would do. It's like entering an alternative reality where everything you believed has been turned inside out.

Each of us and our life experiences is different. So whatever you ultimately decide will need to be based on what you're able to forgive and willingness to do so.

I've noticed the second night of cheating seems to be the one that is harder to handle to you or other posters. However, it makes sense to me. Still warped thinking, but logical to the DS. My husband cheated 10 years ago, it was heavy make-out sessions with a co-worker. It was was not an EA, so on his own he left the job and broke contact. For 10 years he's lived with the guilt of being a "bad" husband. Then, last year a new young co-worker pursued him. He slipped into an EA which eventually became a PA. He already saw himself as a bad husband, so found it easier to slip into the affair. Plus, there were no consequences from the previous one.

Since d-day, he has actually felt better about himself at times, since he can finally be truthful about the past. He was busted for the current A, but willingly told me about the past one. It was seeing himself as a "bad husband" that let him justify his second affair. When presented with temptation, it was easier to say "well, I've already cheated so what does it matter. I'll do what feels good."

Our MC has addressed this issue of seeing oneself in extremes, either "bad" or "good", "cheater" or "loyal". Labeling yourself in a negative way, can make one justify poor decisions. Truthfully, we're a little bit of both. Our MC said if anyone looks at you and says, "I could never cheat" you should turn and run the other direction. Because it's the mentally unprepared ones who get caught off guard when temptation strikes.

Getting the whole truth about Vegas and MC is a must. Careful of the questions you ask, once she is being totally truthful. Is it important to know if she enjoyed sex with the OM or any sexual details? You can't take away the answers once you know them. But the truth about how drunk she was or if she planned meeting him the second night is important. Busting the DS in a lie while rebuilding can be a trigger and many of the early revelations are lies or trickle truths.

The sign of a guilty conscious is promising, but it's not going to be easy. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years and have two children together. He didn't trust me to love him enough to stay if I found out the truth. Now that I'm willing to stay and rebuild, he feels so extremely lucky and grateful. I'm hoping to get a better husband. One who wants to keep his conscious clean.

Don't forget to take of yourself while you work through the emotional turmoil, I wish you the best.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hate to keep ramming the 2nd night down your throat---BUT

1st night, cheating is never, ever allowable nor right nor condoned---but you might in your infinite goodness give her a break for the 1st night, that would be up to you, and your sub-conscious----but the 2nd night---I am sorry but that is total and complete disrespect of you, and your sacred vows---which I guess she doesn't hold very sacred--

She cheated 1st night, what was said and planned at the end of the 1st night who knows---she had all day to think about what she had done, she had day to KNOW that what she had done was wrong, and would rip your heart out----she knew you didn't know, and she really didn't have to tell you anything---so how could she say at that point the mge., was hopeless---you didn't know anything---she is justifying her cheating ahead of time, with a total BS, excuse---and please spare me the psychological babble, she wanted the guy that 2nd night and she was gonna have him no matter what, what does that say about where you, and your mge stands-----I don't care how remorseful nor anything else she does/is----she WANTED to cheat on you, she WANTED his body inside hers---the facts are there and that is what they show

How you handle this is up to you---but if you stay, you better be hard as nails about your boundaries, and about her accountability---cuz she will cheat again---right now her vows mean absolutely NOTHING to her


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

sounds to me like she's wasn't ready for the marriage that's why stupid things like these happen


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