# If I don't get pipe soon, I'm going to beat him with one!



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

I love my husband oh so dearly but his sex drive has been non-existent and I'm about to go literally insane. Since the start of 2013, I think we have had sex maybe 10 times at most. (Background: He works on a boat and his schedule is 28/14. work 28 days, home for 2 weeks). When he is home for those 2 weeks, he barely wants to have sex. He is either too tired, not in the mood, or stressed. All he has to do when he comes home is sleep and eat for 14 days. We don't have kids. I work in the medical field and work 12 hour shifts on a rotation, and sometimes overtime. When I come home, I'm tired also and need my rest but I still want sex when I can get it. I'm 24 and consider myself to have a normal sex drive for someone who misses out on it for a whole month. I try to flirt with him, kiss on him, and touch on him but I'm always getting rejected. He claims he is stressed over $$. But the bills are paid, gas in the car, and food is on the table. We're newlyweds and hit a rough patch financially but this has been his excuse for a while. Quite frankly I'm sick and tired of it! I feel like I have to beg for sex. I have literally cried from not getting it! It is only so much vibrators can do. I don't know what else to do! I don't want to cheat but I would be lying if I didn't say the thought didn't cross my mind! Just don't want to throw my marriage away over a nut. Any advice, ideas, suggestions?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

mrsoffshore said:


> I love my husband oh so dearly but his sex drive has been non-existent and I'm about to go literally insane. Since the start of 2013, I think we have had sex maybe 10 times at most. (Background: He works on a boat and his schedule is 28/14. work 28 days, home for 2 weeks). When he is home for those 2 weeks, he barely wants to have sex. He is either too tired, not in the mood, or stressed. All he has to do when he comes home is sleep and eat for 14 days. We don't have kids. I work in the medical field and work 12 hour shifts on a rotation, and sometimes overtime. When I come home, I'm tired also and need my rest but I still want sex when I can get it. I'm 24 and consider myself to have a normal sex drive for someone who misses out on it for a whole month. I try to flirt with him, kiss on him, and touch on him but I'm always getting rejected. He claims he is stressed over $$. But the bills are paid, gas in the car, and food is on the table. We're newlyweds and hit a rough patch financially but this has been his excuse for a while. Quite frankly I'm sick and tired of it! I feel like I have to beg for sex. I have literally cried from not getting it! It is only so much vibrators can do. I don't know what else to do! I don't want to cheat but I would be lying if I didn't say the thought didn't cross my mind! Just don't want to throw my marriage away over a nut. Any advice, ideas, suggestions?


your young and full of life....move on and find someone your compatiable with!......don't waste your life with this person! you will wake up 20 yrs from now regretting that you didn't.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You're only 24 and this is how your life is already. My suggestion, talk with him about how this makes you feel, make sure he hears you and understands. If after you talk with him, things still haven't changed, then you need to rethink if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life. My guess is, it goes a lot deeper than him just being tired or stressed. If thats the case, he needs to see a doctor who can help give him suggestions on being less stressed.


----------



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

We use to be like bunnies! sex is my only complaint. I don't know what happened. I often wonder is it something deeper or something I don't know about. And reading other post, now I even wonder if its medical. I just know something isn't right. When we do have sex, he acts as if it should last me a couple of days. He's not even 30 and I feel like he should be in the mood more often than once a week. And sometimes I wonder am I overreacting. But it is taking an emotional toll on me


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Tell him your concerns. Tell him you would like for him to get checked out, it might be medical, and that you feel he needs to be seen by a doctor. Or even a counselor if its a stress related issue. If he wont do either of those, then perhaps him being gone for 28 days at a time, there is something else going on while he is away those days.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

mrsoffshore said:


> We use to be like bunnies! sex is my only complaint. I don't know what happened.


When did the sex become less and less or he seemed not so interested? How long has he worked on this boat?


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I completely understand. I have had sex once since the beginning of 2013 ... and I had to take her to Cancun to get it. I've had sex with my wife all of 5 times in the last 5 years. 

That said, whatever you do, don't cheat. I KNOW that it is very tempting and seems like an easy solution. I have no doubt, I could go to the bar the next couple of weeks, go home with somebody and she probably would never find out. Not only would the guilt eat at me and I would stop being the man I want to be and start living a life of deceipt, but if my wife found out (and also my children) then I will have crushed them and destroyed trust. No matter the reasons why your marriage is lacking sex, he does not deserve that just so that you can have sex. It will crush him and destroy the relationship you have with him. 

Please take the time to read the infidelity forum and take in the pain of all the spouses who have been betrayed AND the type of person the cheating spouse becomes. Do you really want to become that person just so you can get "some pipe"?

You (and your husband) are FAR better off divorcing before you go down that road. Move on and find somebody with compatible sex drives.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

How do so many mismatched sex drives end up together


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP, you could always try what the title of your thread says. Just establish a safe word beforehand.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Copy what you wrote here, print it out, hand it to him, and say "this is what you've brought me to"


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Is this boat co-ed?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had someone like that (we had a kid together, never married) and I eventually had to leave him (sex was a big issue plus his anger).

Talk to him and be firm about what you need. He could be low drive, he could be cheating. He could be so many things but you won't know until you talk about this with him. Like, really talk with him and lay it out. 

I should have told my ex "Look, I want sex...not once a month, but as much as possible" Well, I did say that and he said he wanted to initiate. Fine. Waited THREE MONTHS for him to initiate. Eff that. I was 25. That was NOT going to be my life.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I completely understand. I have had sex once since the beginning of 2013 ... and I had to take her to Cancun to get it. I've had sex with my wife all of 5 times in the last 5 years.
> 
> That said, whatever you do, don't cheat. ... if my wife found out (and also my children) then I will have crushed them and destroyed trust.


You've had sex 5 times in the last 5 years?? Somehow I don't think your wife would truly be that "crushed" if you found another woman (although she might act like it). In fact, she might be overjoyed that now she could divorce you and extract a larger settlement than she could have from a faithful spouse.

I do wonder sometimes if some of these people who continuously refuse sex are deliberately trying to frustrate their spouses to the point where they will cheat, thus giving them an excuse for divorce as well as much more leverage in court.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Are you sure he's not having an affair, hasn't replaced sex with porn or isn't gay? 

Do you have access to his phone and computer etc? If you can you should install a key logger.

I think you have to be willing to lose him in order for him to make a change. And he has to absolutely believe you will leave him. I would Insist on him going to the Drs and having individual and marital Counseling with you. If he refuses to do those things, then I would leave as you cannot sustain a marraige with someone who will not do their part. 

Good luck.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Theseus said:


> You've had sex 5 times in the last 5 years?? Somehow I don't think your wife would truly be that "crushed" if you found another woman (although she might act like it). In fact, she might be overjoyed that now she could divorce you and extract a larger settlement than she could have from a faithful spouse.
> 
> I do wonder sometimes if some of these people who continuously refuse sex are deliberately trying to frustrate their spouses to the point where they will cheat, thus giving them an excuse for divorce as well as much more leverage in court.


Ha! Well good theory but no, it's nothing like that in this case. Long story and I'm not going to hijack the thread. I'll ask her though


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

flopjzm said:


> he needs to see a doctor who can help give him suggestions on being less stressed.


Catch 22 More sex will relieve his stress:scratchhead:


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Men are direct. Tell him what you need, and how you feel...or as someone above said...print out your post and have him read it. I used to live in a second floor apartment when I finished college. The lady below was usually quiet while husband was away in the military on leave. As soon as he got home, they had sex for weeks....and they were loud. I can't imagine being away from my wife for that long and coming home with no desire for sex with her. Crazy to me.


----------



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

i talked to him and he agreed to go to the doctor. His answer still remains the same, he is stressed and sex just hasn't been on his mind. I am the type of person who puts problems away when I'm in the bed with my husband because there is nothing I can do at that moment to fix it. He let's it ruin his whole way of living like he is unable to function. I don't feel like he is cheating because I have access to everything that i know of (phone, credit cards, bank statements, etc). On a boat full of old men, I asked him months ago was he gay and he just looked at me crazy but i really wanted to know. I asked him was it me, he said no but he wishes I would understand how he is feeling. I'm praying it is something that can be fixed with a few vitamins because if this is how he reacts to hard times, I don't know if i can handle it


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

From your description it sounds like some form of depression. As someone else already pointed out...when a twenty something guy returns from a long period away with nothing but other guys around you should have to beat him away with a stick. This is not normal.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

mrsoffshore said:


> i talked to him and he agreed to go to the doctor. His answer still remains the same, he is stressed and sex just hasn't been on his mind. I am the type of person who puts problems away when I'm in the bed with my husband because there is nothing I can do at that moment to fix it. He let's it ruin his whole way of living like he is unable to function. I don't feel like he is cheating because I have access to everything that i know of (phone, credit cards, bank statements, etc). On a boat full of old men, I asked him months ago was he gay and he just looked at me crazy but i really wanted to know. I asked him was it me, he said no but he wishes I would understand how he is feeling. I'm praying it is something that can be fixed with a few vitamins because if this is how he reacts to hard times, I don't know if i can handle it


I have known many fishermen. I have been out on trips with them to G Bank all they do is cry about how thier wives screw around when they steam out.Doe's he have these concerns ?


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Please don't let you both be trapped into this marriage by having kids.

And, yes, please read here to understand the pain an A could cause. And, IMHO, most of us are vulnerable to having an A and some just so happen to let themselves fall into situations were they are hard to resist. You sound like someone able to guard against that, if you desire to. 

Depression and low T are some reasons for low drive. Those are very easy and quick to diagnose.

And like some others suggested, it can be a very very long and painful thing to endure year after year. Sometimes it's fixable. Sometimes it gets fixed. And, then there are those that don't.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You have access to the phone you know about. My wife bought and hid a special phone just for OM.

I would wonder about him over-using porn while you are at work. I would familiarize myself with computer tools and techniques to see what, if anything, he is doing that might shed light on this behavior change. Folks in CWI section can help teach you some of that.

Does he use Rogainne or something like that, which I believe can cause low T?

Does he perform as he did earlier in you relationship, once you do have sex?


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Copy what you wrote here, print it out, hand it to him, and say "this is what you've brought me to"


Copy some of the posts from those who have expressed their anguish after years if such treatment. Ask him to help you and him NOT BECOME what so many of us LD-HD couples have become. If you haven't looked around here much (nor he), then it's probably hard to imagine what you are in for if something(s) doesn't get fixed.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Does he gamble? Or otherwise have debts you are in the dark about?

What about drug or alcohol use?

I'm just grasping at straws. Food for thought.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

im sorry for what you are going through........but your title "if i dont get pipe soon, ill beat him with one" made me laugh out loud


----------



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

I always thought he might have been battling depression since his dad died. It's been years now but when I asked him to talk to someone, he said he was fine. He is one of those "macho man" types that doesn't believe in depression. I have been very verbal on how I feel in the nicest way possible. We went through a "check-to-check" phase not too long ago but we managed and made it through. I would not have thought about taking him to the doctor for LTnif I hadn't gotten that advice from you guys. Thanks for that!


----------



## ThunderatMidnight (May 2, 2013)

I threatened my husband with divorce last week. He needed a kick in the butt before he would take me seriously. Seeing the draft divorce papers with our names on it made him realize I was dead serious. I am not recommending this to you, but I was so ready to walk out of our sham, sexless marriage. 

Giving him the ultimatum seemed to have worked. He has been initiating sex and seems to be needing it ever since he got back on track.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You shouldn't have to beg for sex ever. He's not meeting your sexual needs and isn't being a loving hubby to you. 

Everyone has had tough money issues in their lives, my wife and I had that when we first got married, I got layed off and it took about 1 year for me to find full time work. Stressful time but I did the chroes, used my savings and EI and never had my wifee pay for my share of the expenses. I wanted sex with her every day, stress, but she is LD and could go 1 month of no sex.

The threatening with divorce might to the trick. If he loves you he will smarten up but if he doesn't, then its time to move on and I know you'll find a real man that wants you and often.

Maybe the reason for his LD is porn, or an EA, or cybering, sexting, PA, who knows?

Having a hubby that doesn't want sex is not the norm at all.

It sucks that his Dad passed away but your hubby has to man up and be a man and hubby for you.

Low T? Maybe if he's older, 40+ years old.


----------



## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Listen to Chillymorn. Check it off as a mistake and move on. You will spend the rest of your life trying to fix this. The sad truth is that once the feeling is gone, it's gone. You can fake it for the sake of your marriage, the kids, the therapist, or whatever. But that doesn't bring it back.


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Wow... I just want to say, "What the heck is wrong with him?"

My wife is the one with the low libido in our relationship, so I soooo can't relate. One of the only times she really wants to initiate sex is when I come back from a trip. He needs his nuts checked or something.:scratchhead:


----------



## ThunderatMidnight (May 2, 2013)

I am in the same position for my 15 year marriage so I can really relate. It sucks to have a low libido husband. Period. I see my husband as less of a man. I know men with LD wives have it hard too, but when it is your husband with the LD, you feel so ashamed and it is terrible for the wife's self esteem. I just want to give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ThunderatMidnight said:


> I am in the same position for my 15 year marriage so I can really relate. It sucks to have a low libido husband. Period. I see my husband as less of a man. I know men with LD wives have it hard too, but when it is your husband with the LD, you feel so ashamed and it is terrible for the wife's self esteem. I just want to give you a hug and tell you that you are not alone.


Having a wife who has a LD doesn't help a husband's self-esteem in the least bit. No, you are not alone.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Having a wife who has a LD doesn't help a husband's self-esteem in the least bit. No, you are not alone.


JustSomeGuyWho...that is my situation as well.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> JustSomeGuyWho...that is my situation as well.


I wish I couldn't explain this to someone, but I can.

Drives whether it's sex drive or life drive can change... LD's usually drag someone down and not the other way around, and they don't see any reason not to be LD, talking sex drive, life drive, motivation drive.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> JustSomeGuyWho...that is my situation as well.


What if there was a silent war occuring where males self esteems were intentially being shrank? But the women say some men do it too... I know there are some really controlling men out there, don't know how or why a woman would want to be close to them, and vice versa same for a controlling female.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I wish I couldn't explain this to someone, but I can.
> 
> Drives whether it's sex drive or life drive can change... LD's usually drag someone down and not the other way around, and they don't see any reason not to be LD, talking sex drive, life drive, motivation drive.


That is so true. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink....even if they are thirsty! My wife enjoys sex when we have it, but if left up to HER alone....PIV would probably only happen once a month based on her own desire and hormones. She says she just doesn't think about it. It takes a lot of effort from ME to bring that PIV number up to once or twice a week....and that number seems to be slipping now that we are in our late 40's. It seems like our oral sex and handjob frequency seems to be increasing while PIV is decreasing. :scratchhead: 

I am so jealous of the couples that have sex 3 - 5 times a week. That would be MY natural speed. Since I am the HD person in our marriage, I sometimes feel like I am driving a high performance sports car that can go 170 MPH, but my wife is keeping our speed at only 30 miles an hour....frustrating. That being said, every other part of my marriage is fantastic, so I constantly look at the big picture and know that I am very fortunate and extremely blessed to have the wife and marriage I have.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

There is another thread in the infidelity section where the wife has been caught cheating with several men and she just doesn't understand why the sex is a big deal to the husband. After all, she loves HIM and comes home to HIM ... so why is it a big deal? She is a serial cheater. This is a lot like my wife except that my wife doesn't have sex with me or other men. She doesn't understand why that is a big deal to me. She loves ME and comes home to ME ... so why is the sex a big deal? It's just sex.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is he on a boat like on deadliest catch where he is awake for crazy amounts of time? 
Severe sleep deprivation can do crazy things to your brain.


----------



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Is he on a boat like on deadliest catch where he is awake for crazy amounts of time?
> Severe sleep deprivation can do crazy things to your brain.


nope. He works 6 hours, sleeps 6 hours like clockwork


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

All he does is sleep and eat?
Depression
Low T
Thyroid


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> That is so true. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink....even if they are thirsty! My wife enjoys sex when we have it, but if left up to HER alone....PIV would probably only happen once a month based on her own desire and hormones. She says she just doesn't think about it. It takes a lot of effort from ME to bring that PIV number up to once or twice a week....and that number seems to be slipping now that we are in our late 40's. It seems like our oral sex and handjob frequency seems to be increasing while PIV is decreasing. :scratchhead:
> 
> I am so jealous of the couples that have sex 3 - 5 times a week. That would be MY natural speed. Since I am the HD person in our marriage, I sometimes feel like I am driving a high performance sports car that can go 170 MPH, but my wife is keeping our speed at only 30 miles an hour....frustrating. That being said, every other part of my marriage is fantastic, so I constantly look at the big picture and know that I am very fortunate and extremely blessed to have the wife and marriage I have.


This sounds just like my situation. Wow.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Six hours of work then six hours of sleep then repeat?


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

I'm telling you, get his rocks checked. Something's not right. Shooting blanks or something...


----------



## darkrat (May 13, 2013)

Did you try to surprise him?

Put on a lingerie outfit and some bright red lipstick with gloss and high heels. Maybe even get a new haircut or slightly different color.

When he next comes home, kneel down, unzip his pants and start sucking. This will get his juices flowing and I guarantee he will want more the next day.

Congrats, you just rekindled your sexlife.


----------



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

**UPDATE** Thanks for all your input you guys. We had a / conversation and I brought up the idea of going to the doctor and he really started to open up. (He's secretly scared of them). It kind of boiled down to a slight case of depression from everything that was going on at that time (finances, working a lot, death in the family, and me complaining about not getting enough sex). But then something very bittersweet happened. He had an accident that forced him to be off work for a few months. With his check cut in half and my check,we were just getting by. But at the same time, we were spending A LOT of time together. He is always offshore so I've only been use to seeing him a certain amount of time, like clockwork. During that time we went through the worst financial state we have ever been in, but I started to really see why he was upset about us not saving like we should. He (and I) started realizing I wasn't really complaining about sex. I was complaining about companionship. His job had him working more and it felt like he was always gone. Going to try and stop babbling now lol. To make a longer story, shorter, we got through that tough time and actually came out a brand new couple. He shows me more attention when he is home, I save A LOT more ( sometimes I don't even pick up my check so I know the money will be safe),and we communicate a lot better. All of that equals to more and better sex! At one point my vajayjay needed a break! Lol. But thanks again to all for the advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mrsoffshore (Apr 25, 2013)

And he was off a few weeks, not a few months. Brain not functioning, its late lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Nice update! Sweet! Good to hear that there was some growth on both your parts and your relationship is stronger.

Everytime I read "vajayjay" I just have to crack up ... no, I'll never grow up, lol.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

The title of this thread makes me laugh....sorry....continue....


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

mrsoffshore said:


> And he was off a few weeks, not a few months. Brain not functioning, its late lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a good pal of mine, age 33 like me, been offshoring ever since he left college, so I can understand ur frustrations and eagerness in ripping his clothes off the moment u see him! 

on normal circumstances, a man will never refuse sex with his wife more so if both of them has not met for a long period of time, so please do look deeper on why he is rejecting you... the real reason could really blow ur mind away! good luck


----------

