# LONG RANT!! on the verge of Divorce



## SleepingCat (Oct 15, 2009)

Ok, I started to write this already and it was going on three pages so I’m going to try and narrow it down a little more.

I will try and speed the whole beginning with few words: Met 2 years ago, married one year, gave birth after being married for a month, 8 months old. (yes I know having kids too fast). Had no place to go as a married family but my parent’s house, no rent, no chores. Met in Trade School, He’s from a city 45 minutes away where their outlook on life is FAR different from life out here (swearing is a speech enhancer for everyone, and it has a bad reputation). Sees his family every few weeks.

So the problem? He is VERY attached to his family and he’s been freaking out about living this far. None of them are willing to house us. He doesn’t see them much because I will admit that I complain because before he wouldn’t come home until 10 or 11 at night and I worked 3 AM till 12:30 pm. So I was driving to work 30 minutes away half asleep and drifting lanes. And also because we (his family and me) had a big fight and every time he goes over there he comes home with a bad attitude towards me!

So the BIG fight. Well, he called his grandma and said how he couldn’t stand to be so far away from his family and friends and how he was going to kill himself (being sarcastic and over exaggerative). So she talked to a few people and got someone to say they would loan him 20,000 for a house in that city interest free but 400 a month due. So I straight up said “no” because I have a job that I got thru my mom (yes its just a department store but im the Promotion Coordinator) she gives me full time hours and because we’re close to our boss she really helps me out on days I need off, hours I need to work, how many hours I need… etc… and all my money goes for our son, I think my husband bought 4 formulas and 2 diapers in the 8 months of life. ANYWAY so his mom said “tomorrow leave ---- and the baby at home and we’ll go look at houses, she’ll just be a bump in the road.” So he went and did it. Then I brought up our finances he didn’t even know about (6,000 for hospital delivery; 2,000 OBGYN prenatal care, 1,200 for credit cards that were spotless before we met; and 3,000 school loan for me 7,000 school loan for him). So he txted his mom saying “she wins! We cant afford it! You can come by and pick up my dead body” and she said (I have it saved on my phone cuz he fwd it to me) “I already figured it out with your current pay [[laid off during the time this happened]] and you can afford it, it will be tight but you’ll be ok. I don’t know what her credit cards are but that’s her ---- not yours! So stop being so on off on off about this. We’re going to look at houses and you’re getting out of there. Whether or not she does is her problem.”

So we got over it and everything was going smooth except it was eating me alive that he didn’t believe I was budgeting right and that someone else knows what we spend better than I do. So I started to bring it up again. And now the fights have been over where we want to live. He keeps saying he will only live in the city he grew up in and said he refuses to live in my entire county or the one between my county and his. He called me an ungrateful “-----“ because he “gave up his family, friends, and transferred his [food store job] for me for almost a year” and that im not willing to do the same for him for the rest of my life. Not to mention he hasn’t stopped saying that since about 3 months into our marriage. We argued over where we were going to live from 2 am until 6 am when I came out here to look for help.

My choice was to live in a nice city in our state that’s equal in distance from there to each of our families without living in… well, Detroit. But the city I was looking at wasn’t my first choice, it was something I saw was fair since it took just as long to get to both of our families. And I compared cities and my choice has a lot of kids getting degrees and his city, well 2% end up with a bachelor’s degree. The schooling’s better, more kids for our son to play with, a very good reputation… Even better than where I live now by a lot! Which I didn’t even expect.

So that’s where things have gotten to… I just really needed someone to vent to and if you have any advice please let me know. I want to know that I’m not over reacting. Maybe what it seems like is going wrong and how to fix it without a divorce. We both want things to work out but he wont change his mind. Should we forget it until we’re ready to move out? And please don’t just say divorce is best, I want to really try and fix it and use that as a last resort.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the site, SleepingCat!

It almost sounds like marriage came upon you both before you were ready for it as you are both still very emotionally dependent on your parents. I do not think divorce is best and agree it should only be considered as a last resort.

When he speaks of suicide, whether he is joking or not, it is obviously scaring his family enough to worry and want to take action. He seems very immature putting them in that position and needing so much attention from them when he should be focused on being a new dad and all of the responsibility that entails.

Bottom line is, once you marry, your spouse and children become your primary family...Neither of you seemed to have embraced that yet (although you moreso than him). You should not be looking at houses with your mom, his parents should not be looking for him...you should be doing that together.

Instead of arguing over the logistics of where you should live, why not start with just discussing what you both believe would be the best plan for your family (the three of you)...both current and future...put your financial situation in writing and go over it...how/when to pay things off...monthly costs for the baby and yourselves and review the hard numbers of what you will need to be on your own...

The city in the middle of both families sounds like the best idea from where I sit because it would distance you both from relying on parents and give you the chance to be a new family on your own...I think the real question for him is 'Is he ready for this?' It sounds like he is not ready when he puts living near his family/friends over his responsibilities as a husband and father.

At this point you don't need to make any permanent decision on where you will end up living long-term...just a short term plan...agree to try something that works for both of you for 1 year.


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## SleepingCat (Oct 15, 2009)

Thats what I've asked from him, to look for a place as a family and not have either parents. And he wanted me to get together with his grandma so she could show us our budget and then I can put in my two cents, but that really offended me. I took business classes to prepare me for this..

I also asked if we could live at the halfway point in an apt for a year and see how it goes but he refuses saying he's already gone through so much being so far that it's not fair to live 25-30 minutes away from his family... No matter how much I tell him that we're his family now...

Today he wanted to talk more after sleep so I guess I will have to see what happens then..

Thanks so much for your reply, it's really helping me out. And also thanks for touching on both sides. I dont want to make him out to be the one all at fault, and I know I am not very good about him going out to see his family because of what's happened in the past between me and them.


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