# My fault (long)



## lost987 (Jul 11, 2013)

My husband and I were engaged shorty after we started dating. We began having awful fights that were equally our faults. After one particularly bad one, he threw me out of the house. I was literally tossed out the door and had to beg for my purse. I got a hotel room and large bottle of liquor. I made the mistake of calling my ex and inviting him over. Things happened and I slept with him. I know it's cliché and I brought it on myself....but I honestly didn't want that to happen. I derived no pleasure from it and knew it was a mistake from the beginning. 
It wasn't until after my husband and I were married that I finally told him the truth. I know it was the wrong thing to do from the time it happened, and I saw that I had completely destroyed my husband.....broken his heart.
After many fights and even more late night talks we decided we loved each other too much to separate. Please, don't misunderstand. I was punished for my actions....He's left me, called me every name in the book, and has made my life a living hell ever since. 
We both did lots of research to mend our relationship, but it seems nothing has improved our situation. I've read all about "being an open book" and "answer all the question the victim has." .....but it isn't enough. I've honestly tried my best to fix the mess I put him end and reassure him. I refuse to leave him as the broken man he is. The only thing worse than doing what I've done, would be to walk away without picking up the pieces.
Fast forward a year and a half, and we are right where we started. Every 2 weeks like clockwork he explodes again. Calling me every name in the book and threatening me with divorce. He's driving me CRAZY! It's getting to the point where I just want to give in or blow my head off. Please help


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry to hear that he's driving YOU crazy. I hope the reference to blowing your head off is just you venting. If not, please seek immediate professional help.

Have the two of you tried a competent marriage counselor? I have no experience with R, but have read that 2-5 years is a fairly standard recovery length.

Do you have children?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, one more question. What did you think was going to happen when you invited your ex to your hotel room and added alcohol to the mix?


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## lost987 (Jul 11, 2013)

I knew it was irresponsible. And yes, we have a son. Also, I experience frustration when I do my absolute best to correct my mistake and see no improvement. So its ok for be to say that he's driving ME crazy because I'm using all the tools and resources that I have to help him through this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The reference you make to taking your life, venting or serious?

Have you tried a competent marriage counselor?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

lost987 said:


> My husband and I were engaged shorty after we started dating. We began having awful fights that were equally our faults. After one particularly bad one, he threw me out of the house. I was literally tossed out the door and had to beg for my purse.


And after this you thought it was a good idea to get married because of what?

When did you have your child?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

lost987 said:


> It wasn't until after my husband and I were married that I finally told him the truth.


Why did you wait to tell him after you were married? Did you confess or did you think you were going to be found out?

Also, how much contact have you had with the ex-boyfriend since then? Did the ex-boyfriend come to the wedding? Did your husband spend any time with the ex-boyfriend after you cheated, with your husband not knowing yet what had happened?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

lost987 said:


> Please, don't misunderstand. I was punished for my actions....He's left me, called me every name in the book, and has made my life a living hell ever since.
> We both did lots of research to mend our relationship, but it seems nothing has improved our situation. I've read all about "being an open book" and "answer all the question the victim has." .....but it isn't enough. I've honestly tried my best to fix the mess I put him end and reassure him.


It's not about punishment. It's about TRUST and LOYALTY. Your husband has to re-gain his trust in you and he has to re-gain that feeling that you are completely, 100% on his side. 

If you are still fighting frequently, I don't see how he can feel you are on his side - you are fighting against him.

What have you done to re-gain his trust and re-prove your loyalty? 

Are you Facebook friends with other man? Is he blocked? How many male friends do you have, on Facebook and otherwise? 

What types of interactions do you have with other man? And with other men?

How do you speak about other man to your husband? 

Do you have any friends who knew about the affair and, if so, what did they say? Any friends who are mutual friends with other man?

What do you fight about with your husband? Can you give us an example of a recent fight?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I don't know if this will work, but next time he flashes just tell him you love him and that you are willing to do whatever you can to help him get past it. Then walk away. Do not argue just reassure him that you love him.


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## saadrvb (Jul 10, 2013)

I hope the reference to blowing your head off is just you venting.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lost987 said:


> My husband and I were *engaged shorty after we started dating.* We began having* awful fights* that were equally our faults. After one particularly bad one, *he threw me out of the house. I was literally tossed out the door* and had to beg for my purse. I got a* hotel room and large bottle of liquor. I made the mistake of calling my ex and inviting him over*. Things happened and *I slept with him*. I know it's cliché and I brought it on myself....but I honestly didn't want that to happen. I derived no pleasure from it and knew it was a mistake from the beginning.
> It *wasn't until after my husband and I were married that I finally told him the truth*. ....


Engaged shortly after started dating....mistake number 1. You didn't really even know each other.

Awful fights....ya, well, you guys didn't really know each other (echo in here)

Literally tossed you out of the house....that would be considered physical abuse in my book. This guy has problems, and nothing screams "normal" about this relationship.

Hotel room with booze....do you guys have substance abuse problems? I mean, you lean to poor judgement when you drink, so ya, another major issue.

You didn't "make a mistake" calling your ex over, and you slept with him because you wanted to. Don't blame it on the booze, own that chit.

You kept the truth from your fiance, so he married you under the guise of you being a faithful partner. So essentially, you tricked him with the wool over his eyes and cheated him out of making the decision to stay with you, because you had kept all of the facts from him.

Are you two young? There are so many things wrong here. What is the glue holding you two together? Other than "we love each other", what exactly is working in the relationship? 

Engaged too soon, alcohol issues, cheating, lying, physical abuse....any of these alone are serious relationship issues, but you guys have them all. 

You need help. If you are both on board, both willing to do everything it takes to make it work, get some MC to start. If it's just you trying to salvage the marriage, it won't work.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

lost987 said:


> I knew it was irresponsible. And yes, we have a son. Also, I experience frustration when I do my absolute best to correct my *mistake* and see no improvement. So its ok for be to say that he's driving ME crazy because I'm using all the tools and resources that I have to help him through this.


You CHOSE to get drunk. You CHOSE to invite your EX to your hotel room. You CHOSE to have sex with him.

There was NO MISTAKE about it.

If you would have told your husband right when you cheated, he probably would not have married you. I don't see this as a bad thing - For either of you...

I do not think either of you were ready to get married. Let alone to one another.

Why did you wait until after you got married, then had a child, before you told him of your cheating?...

I'm guessing that you though he was about to find out on his own and you tried to do damage control. OR you both had a big fight and you said something in the heat of battle.

Regardless, I think you two should be apart for a while, AT LEAST. A have the feeling that even before he knew for sure that you had cheated on him - You two were arguing and fighting constantly.

I mean, while you were engaged you fought so bad that he physically picked you up and "tossed" you out the door.

You counter by getting drunk and screwing another man.

This is some Jerry Springer caliber material here, don't you think? I hope you both get the help you need, And I'm srious about some time apart - I think it would help you both.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How long do you intend to live in this miserable existence, of which you have added a child into the mess

You won't leave your so called "broken" H---why not---he has a much better shot at healing if you are not there to trigger him, and your life will also get better

As I keep saying in my little posts here and there, and probably most have heard it before---you only get one trip thru life on this planet---you can make it a good/happy/productive/enjoyable trip thru life---or you can live in misery

You, according to you have terrible fights with your H, all the time, before mge, and now---add your infidelity into the mix, add the pressure of raising a child into the mix----

you wanna tell me how this is ever gonna get better---why would you think getting married, to the person, who you could not get along with, and fought with, when you were just in a relationship---why would getting married, and legally tying yourself into your H,---ever make anything ever better

I guess you started this thread today----guess what, it was a miserable day wasn't it---guess another thing---this day, this day of misery is gone---you will never get it back-----what's tomorrow gonna bring---more fights, more lack of trust---MORE MISERY

This is your life---none of us here will ever walk in your shoes---we can give you our sage advice---and it is always very good advice---cuz the people here are for the most part EXPERTS---put em all together, and they have lived every situation in re: infidelity, you can think of---they know their stuff---listen to them---but also know this-------tomorrow is about to dawn, and I am guessing it will be another day of misery for you----is that what you really want, your one and ONLY trip thru life, to be filled with days of misery----

Don't stay with your H, just cuz he has problems---they are his problems to work out, but for the 2 of you, who have fought your whole existence----why would you stay together---nothing is gonna change---cuz you 2 seem to be oil and water


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