# In need of insight.



## HotelEchoLimaPapa (Oct 7, 2010)

Please bare with me. I'm in desperate need of advice, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by trying to consolidate my situation and still have it make any sense.

I'm having trouble expressing my agony over our dying sex-life and total lack of intimacy to my husband in a way that he can take to heart.

My husband and I have been Married for three years. We met/dated in Highschool before he joined the Army. Before Marriage, we had an active sex life, and he was very, very affectionate and loving. 

The past few years, our intimacy has become nearly non-existant, and I've tried so many times to try to explain that I'm not just wanting sex for sex. That I need his affection, and want to make love with him.

I've tried a few things I wasn't completely comfortable with at his request in hopes of sparking more of a love life. Including anal and after much reluctance, a threesome with one of our trusted friends. 

When we're together, it feels like we're just friends. I've been trying every way I can think of to express my desires to him over the past two years. Recently, we've had some talks that he participated in (rather than just emptily agreeing and taking nothing to heart). It was then that he said that he was almost spiteful I wanted sex so much, and tried to obtain his affections that he would feel like it's a 'chore'. 

Over the past year, he's had medical problems stemming from an injury he received in his last deployment. I've tried to be as understanding as possible, and cater to everything he needs. We even bought a sex-wedge in hopes of making it easier for him.

I guess what I don't understand is, that when he's away training he'll constantly hound me for sexual stories/pictures. And tell me to go to a sex store and pick up a bunch of things. He makes it seem like all that's on his mind is sex with me. But once he is home, it seems to go back to being a chore. 

I don't know what else I can do. I feel under-appreciated and I'm losing any sense of self worth.


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## HotelEchoLimaPapa (Oct 7, 2010)

There's so much more I feel like I'm leaving out. I love my husband, and I just wish I knew a way to make him understand that what he's doing (or not doing, not just sexually) is having a major impact on my happiness and our relationship. I want my husband, not a room-mate.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

i am sorry to hear about ur situation. i am taking wild guess here, could it be

1) trauma from the deployment?
2) he knows that you crave sex a lot, which is why he asks u to pleasure urself when he's not around. but when he's back, what he is actually craving is ur affection and not sex?
3) i dont get it, is he frustrated with the relationship?
4) u mentioned that u reluctantly agreed for the threesome, is he into kinky sex which is something that you may not be able to offer?


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## HotelEchoLimaPapa (Oct 7, 2010)

This went on before his deployment. :/ At least that way I could begin to understand. He seems fine without affection. I used to send him random texts when he's at work, just to say "I love you". I still try to, but it's hard because he never seems to care or notice. 

I try to be open-minded about sex. Admittedly, I did enjoy the threesome. Which was weird, because up until then I had only been with my husband and sex is an emotional thing with me. Sometimes I sorta feel like my husband's trying to pawn me off on our trusted friend, we've joked about it before but I really don't think that's it.

I try to do small things to let him know I care. I always try to look my best. I've tried greeting him at home from work in lingerie after a stressful day, with just wanting to please him in mind. I had been at the point where I was rejected so much, I just stopped everything. Trying to get back to how I was, but it's hard when all he does is come home from work and play video games. :/


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

HotelEchoLimaPapa said:


> This went on before his deployment. :/ At least that way I could begin to understand. He seems fine without affection. I used to send him random texts when he's at work, just to say "I love you". I still try to, but it's hard because he never seems to care or notice.
> 
> I try to be open-minded about sex. Admittedly, I did enjoy the threesome. Which was weird, because up until then I had only been with my husband and sex is an emotional thing with me. Sometimes I sorta feel like my husband's trying to pawn me off on our trusted friend, we've joked about it before but I really don't think that's it.
> 
> I try to do small things to let him know I care. I always try to look my best. I've tried greeting him at home from work in lingerie after a stressful day, with just wanting to please him in mind. I had been at the point where I was rejected so much, I just stopped everything. Trying to get back to how I was, but it's hard when all he does is come home from work and play video games. :/


well at least u enjoyed the threesome! 
it got me wondering, he became alive during the threesome but died down for normal sex?? y dont u try bringing him out to the swinger's club, just hang around n see how he reacts to it. the war could've hardened him so bad that normal sex just wont work anymore!


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Star said:


> I know how you feel, last night I tried to initiate, but he was far too interested in watching a movie, so I went off to bed angry and I'm still fuming now!! We have spoken in the past about he lack of initiating things and it did pick up for a while, I think through fear of what might happen if it didn't but once again we are on that slippery slope and going backwards, I've have suggested in the past that maybe we should have his "T" levels tested and has he? Nope, so this time I'm not going to be quite so nice about it and I will demand he gets a test as I want to know even if he doesn't, so I feel another one of those "talks" coming on.
> 
> The frustrating thing is that when it does happen he can see the effect it has on me and I'm always open to try anything new, In fact bringing new things into the bedroom is something I always work hard to do and there are not really any boundaries for either of us and we both really, really enjoy everything that happens in our bedroom (or any other room, lol) and boy do I tell him that too BUT he just doesn't seem to initiate anymore, I just don't understand? if something is that enjoyable surely you would go after it? crave it? I'd give my right arm for him to come onto me the way I come onto him sometimes, maybe he has just become lazy as he knows I will go in for the hunt, I dunno.
> 
> I don't really know what to say to you other than you are not alone, you have only got to look at the threads here to see this is an all too common problem with both sexes, I feel for you.


hey star, ur not alone too! wifey's just not interested in having sex, i dont understand either...
welcome to the sex-less club


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hotel,

If your intimate relationship was ok before deployment but not so great after, then his issue is probably deployment related. You said he was injured. Did he honestly bring this sex problem to the attention of the medical counselors? He can't be the only vet with similar problems. They might know just what to do. If he is reluctant, you might go talk to them yourself. It'd be great if they could give you some help. Meantime, maybe you should tell him that it's not the sex you need the most. It's the intimacy, the closeness and warmth of his skin, his scent, his touch. If it leads to sex, that's great, but if it doesn't, it's still great. Tell him what you missed most while he was gone, not "getting off", but being near him, feeling the security and comfort of his presence, his joy, the peace you felt in his arms.


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## HotelEchoLimaPapa (Oct 7, 2010)

Our relationship before his deployment was about the same. 

I've tried pouring my heart out to him, and have almost become bitter over it because he doesn't seem to take it to heart. I've tried writing a letter to him explaining everything. But nothing changes. 

During our threesomes, he'd be very active up until the last few times. He'd just offer suggestions, and find something else to do after he'd cum, expecting us to continue having sex. At one point he encouraged me to develop feelings for our friend because sex is an emotional thing for me. 

We used to joke that he was trying to pawn me off on this friend.


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