# From Childhood Innocence to Real Life Sadness!



## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

I was sleeping in my own bed tonight as I have been for a few weeks. I couldn't sleep so I happened upon a movie called, "The Bells of Saint Mary" staring Bing Crosby and Ingram Burg man. I'm sure that a lot of you on here might remember the movie. It's about a Catholic School, Children & what they learn in life in order to get through it. 

I went to 8 yrs. of Catholic School and was happy that I was able to go. I learned a lot about what was right and what was wrong. I learned my core values there, along with what I learned at home. Everything was Black & White! If it was wrong, you didn't do it. That little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other would always be there for you to choose from. I had the strangest experience as I watched the movie. The girls were about 12 and looked so innocent and happy and full of joy about what their life would be like. I could picture myself and actual did in the face of one of the girls. I saw the smile, I felt myself back in that place where she was and I was a 12 year old young lady that knew, as long as I was a good person inside that life would be fair and good, or at least as good as possible. Because I was a good person inside and I wasn't going to hurt anyone and expected for life to treat me the same way as long as I made the right choices. My core of my being was formed in those 8 years and I lived my life by them. It was who I was and wanted to be. I felt good about myself and the person that I was. I know this might not make a lot of sense, but bear with me. 

I was raised with those beliefs. I married a young Catholic man, who was able to go to 12 yrs. of Catholic School. I met him at 16 and we got married at 18. We were both very mature for our age, at least I thought we were. We were both first lovers and had never been with any one else. I thought that I had done everything right to have a good marriage and to love him with all my heart. I would never intentionally hurt him and if I did, I would apologize right away. But, looking back on my life now, I realized that he really wasn't ready for marriage. Sure he loved me, the only way that he thought love was, but I found out later that his was a selfish love. 

When they started playing and singing "The Bells of St. Mary" I laid in my bed and started singing along with them. It was so strange, I felt like I was in that movie and I was 12 years old again and was so happy. Then it hit me, no I wasn't! Life isn't like that. It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, you can never be sure of your spouse or anyone else not to deliberately hurt you. I wanted so bad to go back in time and be that young girl again and not to have my husband hurt me so bad with his affair. Not to break our marriage vows. To be the person that I thought I married, but none of that was to be. His love for me wasn't strong enough for him to put me first in his life and that's what true love is. Just because he thought I would never find out, thus not get hurt, didn't make it right. 

I could go on and on with this story, but we've all been there. I just felt the need to get out of bed and write this as it was such a powerful moment to me. I don't know how he expects me to forgive him again? I did it after the first affair, but it took 5 yrs. We cruised along for another 20 yrs. then he became more unloving and drinking more, but you've heard the story, so you know everything came back to me.

I'm not even sure what the point of this story is, except that a young girls dreams of what her life might turn out to be wasn't true. It doesn't change the fact that my core values will never change. It just hardened me and that happy girl doesn't exist anymore and that's just sad.

Not sure where it's going to end, but I think it's coming soon. I want to be happy again and I am when I'm not around him. Even at 70 we still deserve to have the remaining years be happy ones.

Thanks for listening,
Granny7
PS: I do know about all the bad things that happened in Catholic Schools, but that's not what I was writing about. My experiences, along with my H's were good.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're having to feel this way. Sometimes life doesn't play fair, does it? My guess is that you were a wonderful, loving, and supportive wife whose husband decided that he needed a little sexual variety. Unfortunately, his selfishness has hurt and devastated you. I couldn't tell from your post (I'll re-read it in a minute) if you two were able to work out your problems. I hope he realized his foolishness and made it up to you, or at least tried to. And you're right, life is short and all of us deserve happiness. If not with him, than with someone else. I don't think 70 is too old to find love again.


----------



## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

thummper,
No life doesn't play fair and believe me he uses that line a lot. I then quote, that has to do with accident's or death, not a choice to have an A. Trust me when I tell you he had plenty of variety at home, I was usually the one suggesting more interesting things, so he wasn't lacking in the sex department. He just liked the newness after 23 yrs. of marriage and never being with anyone else. It was a 3 yr. E/A, even though they slept together on 2 weekends during that time. You would have to find my posts to understand that comment. Yes, it has devastated me and it's all come back to haunt me after 25 yrs. due to his lack of showing love, drinking, but not another A. No, I'm not sure if we are going to be able to work them out. He wasn't cooperative 25 yrs. ago, didn't participate in therapy, except to sit there. He's trying to make it up to me now, but it might be 25 yrs. to late. He only started to make changes after the A 25 yrs. ago in the past year, but he still doesn't want to answer my questions about it. Now, I don't think I even love him anymore, but it's hard to leave a 52 yr. marriage, but it's not easy to live under these circumstances either.
Thanks, Granny7


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Ha, i was just watching that film also on tcm. Getyourself out of limbo. You need a clear date for him to come clean and stick to it.

And remember a 50 yr marriage does not define you. There is life after a divorce, but their is no life with a cheater, who is still lying to you.


----------



## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

illwill,
You have got to be kidding me! What were the chances of us both watching it? I was just trying to find something to look at as I was trying to sleep, which isn't easy these days and came across it and then couldn't stop watching it. He knows the date, it's about 3 weeks away, when our twin grandson's take the Bar. They know nothing about this and if we separated while they were trying to work at the Law firm and study also for this 2 day, 7 hr. course that they have got to pass or they will lose their jobs. They both missed it the first time by 2 darn points. The Law firm needs them to pass, so they can work at full fledged attorneys. I told my daughter, who is no longer speaking to me for dredging up the past, that I wouldn't separate until after they take the test on Feb. 26th. That's his deadline! He still claims to have told me everything, gets real upset talking about it and doesn't want to anymore unless it's in front of a counselor. I don't either, it never goes anywhere. I know a 50 yr. marriage doesn't define me, but to a certain extent, when I did find out about the 2 weekends, I should have kicked his butt out the door, but I was so heart broken to hear about it that I was more hurt than angry.. That came later and now it's back again. So, I do blame myself for that. I had always joked when it would happen to other couples, as everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, so did I, within reason, that he would be out the door in a heart beat. But it took my research and almost 8 months of lying to even get some of the truth and it was mostly from the OW, who I had to meet twice. 

I know their is life after divorce and my whole family, at least the 2 daughters are going to blame me for breaking up the family, not their Dad for his A. They feel that it was 25 yrs ago and I should be over it. I tried to explain how he had been acting to bring these thoughts back to me, but they say that if I exercised, got involved that I wouldn't have so much time to think. I think they shouldn't judge, nor take sides. His biggest claim is that he can't remember all the many details that I am asking him and I tell him that he owes it to me to try really hard to remember and if he had done this 25 yrs. ago, it wouldn't be coming up now.
Thanks, Granny7


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Granny, i hope your daughters never have to understand the pain you still feel.

This is not your fault. Your hubby really may not remember it all, but he needs to always make you feel safe and secure. His failure at this is why you are still in pain.

And he does not get to dictate how long it takes you recover. No one does.

You have a good plan. Stick to it.

And tcm is awesome. Its like going back in time to more simple days.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

If you're talking about "The Bells of St. Mary's" that was shown on Feb. 2, I was watching part of that last night also, going back and forth between it and "Groundhog Day" on a different channel. (I'm not making this up. lol)


----------



## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

thummper said:


> If you're talking about "The Bells of St. Mary's" that was shown on Feb. 2, I was watching part of that last night also, going back and forth between it and "Groundhog Day" on a different channel. (I'm not making this up. lol)


thummper,
Isn't that hard to believe? You, myself and illwill, we were all watching the same thing at the same time. I never watch that station, was just channel surfing which I never do. Were we all being told something? Did you get any of the same vibes that I did? I don't remember feeling so sad and like I was back in my childhood. I know that the Catholic religion has been getting a bad rap and so much of it is so true, but it happens in all religions. The Catholic faith is just so large that it makes it more noticeable. I felt good, at most parts watching it. I enjoyed going to Catholic school for 8 yrs. I learned so much, but my CH sure didn't. I can't believe that he went to confession after she broke up with him??? Why didn't he go and speak to the priest when he needed to during the A? I'll never understand. Well got to go, falling asleep so better take advantage of it.
Blessings friend, Granny7


----------

