# 180 and affection



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

Question on the 180 method.

Do you restrain from giving any affection (back rubs/hugs/kisses/sex ect) to the SO while doing the 180?

Does the answer change if you are pondering a separation or if you are already in a separation?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

The 180 is designed to help you detach, not to woo your partner back. So that affection, do you think that will help a person detach? No, it won't. 

Your logic and instincts are telling you "Pander to my wife, suffocate her with kind gestures and this will earn her love." That hasn't worked, has it? 

Think of this like an ignition and gas pedal on your car. What you're trying to do with your affection is flooring the gas pedal and the car is not moving an inch? Why not? Because you haven't yet turned on the ignition. Once the ignition is turned on, then the gas pedal revs the engine. Once your woman is attracted to you, then the gestures will influence the depth of her feelings for you.

The 180 has a side-effect sometimes producing an attraction towards you because now you're a man with a purpose, there is an air of assurance and conviction about you, your world is interesting, but the 180 is for you, not for her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Just be mindful, OP, that your implementing a 180 may feel to your wife very much like it did when you were serially cheating on her. That aloofness, "mystery" and coolness towards her that creates the detachment that the 180 is intended to help you achieve? Yeah, those things may remind her of the years you spent cheating. 

So, if you intend to divorce, then do the 180 *for you*. But do not pursue that course if you imagine it will lure her back to you. You've spent years being "mysterious" - what with leading a whole other life and lying to your wife on the daily. The 180 may result in her simply deciding you're at it again. 

Fair warning.


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## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

Rowan said:


> Just be mindful, OP, that your implementing a 180 may feel to your wife very much like it did when you were serially cheating on her. That aloofness, "mystery" and coolness towards her that creates the detachment that the 180 is intended to help you achieve? Yeah, those things may remind her of the years you spent cheating.
> 
> So, if you intend to divorce, then do the 180 *for you*. But do not pursue that course if you imagine it will lure her back to you. You've spent years being "mysterious" - what with leading a whole other life and lying to your wife on the daily. The 180 may result in her simply deciding you're at it again.
> 
> Fair warning.


Thanks for the warning Rowan. I do realize I have to be careful as since she is hiding things already.. me being distant could cause her to do even more.

Lance > so far I am taking this approach; I have started working out and taking better care of myself physically. At a minimum this will make me feel better about myself and will allow her to see me in a more attractive light. She does have abandonment issues so I am still catering to some of her needs but not throwing myself at her every whim if that makes sense.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

LH, a bit of advice. You may want to consider keeping things in your original thread. Having multiple threads so close to one another tends to end up with fewer responses.

However, I agree with the posters here - they pretty much nailed this one already.


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