# What information do I have a right to know.



## Betrayed in under a year (Jun 8, 2009)

To start I will admit some of it is my fault. I was going through a rough time and was a little depressed so I withdrew into myself. This was very tough for my wife as we moved away from her friends and family, and when i stopped talking and said I need to be alone, so she percieved it as me ignoring her. This led to her meeting someone and being friends. This apparently then led to her cheating on me. I have decided to take her back, but this is very hard for me. While I know I may have been distant, but there is no excuse to cheat. She made a conscious choice to do so, and repeatedly. Now my main question is I feel I have a right to know when this started, ended, and how frequently she was seeing him. As I work out of town and am gone for long hours or a couple of days at a time I can not patch this info together. I know that this will eat away at me because I feel I deserve to know how many times she saw him and cheated on me. She says all that matters is its over. Please give me some advice on this.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to...you need to think long and hard about what you want to know and what you want to ask.

She cheated and in order to make amends for that her life needs to become an open book and she should be upfront with her answers...but you need to make sure you're asking the right questions for the right reasons.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Well, I fully understand your reasons for wanting to know the exact details about the cheating. She doesn't have the right to tell you "all that matters is that it's over". She doesn't get to call the shots at this stage.

However, I also see the sense in what JDPreacher is saying. It MAY not help you to have these images and details.
It's going to require some strength from you to move ahead without full disclosure of it. Personally, I think I'd need to know the details so that I know exactly the monster I'm dealing with.

Good luck.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

A lot of this tends to focus on the sexual aspect though, the wondering what he did to her and what she did to him...that's not why she had the affair, women don't usually have an affair for the sex...there is a serious emotional discord here and that's what needs to be the focus of the questions.

Generally the man, especially the one who is cheated on, thinks he was bad in bed or wants to compare or measure up or some other nonsense.

Ask what went on not between the sheets but between her ears...and listen.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## Betrayed in under a year (Jun 8, 2009)

The sexual aspect was part of it, but she couldn't even tell me how long it went on for. We talked some more today, and I let her know that this would be a deal breaker for me. She again replied that it's over and she won't tell me anything. I then asked where they were meeting as he is married also. She refused to answer, but when I questioned if she brought him into our home the look said it all. That was it for me. I really wanted to try and make it work, but if she refuses to be open to me and still tries to place it as all my fault, I can't be in it. So I left. She then finally told her parents we were splitting, but she made her father call me to find out why. He was shocked, and to top it off she is pregnant with his baby. He couldn't believe she would do this either and questioned If I was sure or only suspected, then I had to stab the knife again and tell about the pregnancy and since it's been so long for us having sex, it's guaranteed not mine. Anyway I'm rambling, but trying not to be bitter. Thanks for your help and suggestions.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

What a ghastly fool she is. Tell the truth or lose everything. Duh, of course, lose everything. Well I hope her father is willing to sign up to be the father of her child too. Poor guy.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am so sorry I don't think there are any words of comfort. Although I do wonder why you were withdrawn and depressed. Perhaps this was related to the relationship? Maybe the two of you were not meant to be. You are putting too much blame on yourself. She should have confided in you, there is never any excuse to cheat ever!!!


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, she is WRONG in that "all that matters is that it's over" 

Especially in THIS case: she's _pregnant_. 

It isn't _ever_ going to be "over" for you, for her.....for anyone, especially with a walking reminder of the illicit relationship! I don't think the Pope could manage to ignore her with "all that matters is that it's over...". 

Holy cow, she is on Mars!

What was she expecting you to do? Just take this "pregnant issue" and drop it, and _*then*_ have you support and raise the child of another man - the one she had an affair with.

This is a no brainer: WASH your hands of her. Tell her: "Yes, the affair is over and so are WE!"

Sorry, I know this is your wife we are talking about...and I know you feel somewhat guilty because you were withdrawn and not available emotionally....but this is just too much. She nailed the coffin to your marriage shut with the word "pregnant".

She is lucky you didn't whack the hell out of her, some men would do that. Ghastly as it is.....and I do not think that is warranted - ever.


----------



## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Let's see if I got this right; she cheated, she refuses to discuss it, she's pregnent by OM, and YOU LEFT YOUR HOME?

On no my friend. She's the one who destroyed your marriage, she leaves, you do not. If your not home, move back in immediately.
You also need to contact and attorney, file for D, and have her served.
IMO your wife in a cheating *****. You deserve better.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Betrayed, I do know your pain. And I'm sorry to hear it. Obviously unprotected sex, too! See about getting tested (for STDs); that was such an unwise move! 

No kids with me & xgf, but similar stories. 

Get back into your house (don't abandon it to her), kick her out, file. Move on. Trust me, I know it's a LOT easier said than done. But the sooner you start, the sooner you'll heal. 

One day at a time, my friend, sometimes one hour at a time. Just keep coming here to vent.


----------



## Betrayed in under a year (Jun 8, 2009)

Just a quick note so we can drop this part of it. It was an apartment we were renting so that part is just outside of the equation. She is also planning to have an abortion, and though I am normally against this, I haven't quite determined how I feel about it in this case.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Oh, man...I don't know what to say, dude. That's a major step, either way. I'm so sorry, dude!


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Betrayed in under a year said:


> Just a quick note so we can drop this part of it. It was an apartment we were renting so that part is just outside of the equation. She is also planning to have an abortion, and though I am normally against this, I haven't quite determined how I feel about it in this case.


Please tell her that if she has an abortion it will NOT make you take her back. You can't do that to yourself. In fact that should make it worse. She'd sacrifice a child for a mistake she made, she already blames you because you were withdrawn. Does this woman ever take responsibility. If one doesn't take responsibility the act will repeat itself again....


----------

