# Pre-infidelity advice sought



## whitewall (Aug 3, 2013)

Background - married for nearly a decade; couple of wonderful, very young children; at last one verbal fight per week; neither wife nor I have cheated to the best of my knowledge; I still love her, haven't felt she feels the same way for years; just started marriage counseling.

Today I was snooping (  ) on my wife's Facebook account and noticed a private conversation she had a short while ago with a very attractive guy from her past (they never dated...I think). It started out as a discussion about astrology, but ended up with the following facts:

the guy told my wife he wished he was into astrology prior to my wife getting married. Sounds like this is why they never dated. Very subtle hint, but it was there
he then went to great lengths to explain how the planetary alignment/angels/etc. were showing she'd be replacing me within a couple of years
she confided in him that we're having trouble in our marriage and that it might be ending sooner than that
this guy is a player and basically told her exactly what she wanted to hear
there wasn't much else to the conversation. Wife was loyal except for talking to this guy in the first place. Also, I remember the day this conversation took place and she was very cold/distant towards me that day

Confronting her about this seems like an awful idea as does simply doing nothing Anyone gone through something similar and had a successful outcome? If so, what'd you do?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

whitewall said:


> Confronting her about this seems like an awful idea as does simply doing nothing Anyone gone through something similar and had a successful outcome? If so, what'd you do?


Confronting is a great idea and I'll tell you what I did when it happened to me: 



> Long Story Short: My wife’s sister made friends on Facebook with an ex-boyfriend of my wife’s from HS days. He asked my SIL to give him my wife’s e-mail address so they can catch-up and my (stupid) SIL connected them. Well, I discovered the e-mails between my wife and her ex and I thought my head was going to explode. While the e-mails were fairly benign, it was clear to me that this guy was fishing. And to top it off this guy lived fairly close to us and suggested that they get together one day to talk about “old times”. Well the first thing I did was I copied the e-mails for myself and then I deleted them from her e-mail box. Then I deleted his email address from her address book and I put a block on his mail address so no e-mails could get in from him or out to him. I sent him an e-mail from my mail account and said that if he tried to contact my wife again, I would be having a conversation with his wife. I blocked Facebook at the router (no access to Facebook for anyone in the house) and then I waited for my wife to say something. When she did, I told her I found the e-mails, which as I said were benign, and I said that I didn't like her being in contact with an ex-boyfriend without my knowing about it. After a very heated discussion I told her if she wants to have a relationship of any kind, no matter how innocent, with her old HS boyfriend, she has to leave the marriage; I had no plans to make it easy for another guy to hit on her. I also told her that when the kids ask me why they can't access Facebook, I will tell them it's because their mother is talking to other men on line. After a week, she agreed not to contact him again.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

whitewall said:


> *the guy told my wife he wished he was into astrology prior to my wife getting married*. Sounds like this is why they never dated. Very subtle hint, but it was there


I take it that your wife is into astrology? so much so that she believes the stars control her future, not herself?


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

whitewall said:


> Confronting her about this seems like an awful idea as does simply doing nothing Anyone gone through something similar and had a successful outcome? If so, what'd you do?


Confront, if you don't now you will be dealing with this the rest of your relationship. Communicating your feelings is so very important. Good luck


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You need to confront her first of all she needs to stop believing such nonsense, and she needs boundaries with make friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Add:

Even the astrology web sites tell you that you have control over your life.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

whitewall said:


> *he then went to great lengths to explain how the planetary alignment/angels/etc. were showing she'd be replacing me within a couple of years*


What? She's going to get divorced because of the planetary alignment and the angels?

If your wife really believes this stuff, I don't know how your marriage can be saved.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> What? She's going to get divorced because of the planetary alignment and the angels?
> 
> If your wife really believes this stuff, I don't know how your marriage can be saved.


Like her actions were predetermined, that way she isn't responsible for her actions. After all if the moon is lined up with Uranus then why wouldn't I cheat?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

There's 2 ways to look at this.

1.a.) Confront- she will take it underground and you will probably never know from here on out what she may or may not do and with whom. If he really is a player, he's not letting her go and he knows how to do his thing quietly. You lose.

1.b.) Confront- after getting pissy about invading her privacy she agrees to no contact with him and hopefully it ends there. Except that if she decides otherwise, you will never know.

2) Do not confront. This allows you to fully monitor and she will do what she will do, but at least you will know. In the meantime, work harder on the relationship and give her a reason to stop the contact and chose you and not him.

Now, if it were me, I think I'd opt for #2. Yeah it hurts watching your wife go down the betraying road, but better you can fully monitor and prepare for the divorce (hide assets...) and gather information for when she denies it (to put out on fb for all to see) and show that you were the faithful one. Also, you will find out her true character.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

whitewall said:


> Background - married for nearly a decade; couple of wonderful, very young children; at last one verbal fight per week; neither wife nor I have cheated to the best of my knowledge; I still love her, haven't felt she feels the same way for years; just started marriage counseling.
> 
> Today I was snooping (  ) on my wife's Facebook account and noticed a private conversation she had a short while ago with a very attractive guy from her past (they never dated...I think). It started out as a discussion about astrology, but ended up with the following facts:
> 
> ...


You think your wife was loyal EXCEPT for talking to this guy? Do you think the part where she told Mr. Player that she was going to replace you very soon was "loyal"? 

If so, you need a wake-up call.

This guy just hit on your wife, and your wife just gave him the green light.

Next conversation will start like this:
Him: "Still having trouble with your a-hole husband?"
Her: "Yeah, he's always picking fights over nothing. I miss having that connection with someone. I'm not sure I ever even had it with him."


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

#1 - Just make sure you realize that anyone could cheat, especially in your situation. I ignored this fact and it cost me dearly.

#2- The number one thing that gets spouses in trouble is when they start discussing their marital problems with someone else, especially of the opposite sex!!! It's like blood in the water to a shark. A player can smell it a mile away. Once again I know this by experience. That's what counseling is for or maybe a parent or bff of the same sex. This is what got my WW into trouble (male coworker) and its what got her caught, she confided she was having a PA to one of her "friends" who tipped me off. Go figure.

If your sure this is as far as she has gone, I would confront. But be dang sure! Because if it has gone farther or there is someone else you will just drive her underground.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You should not confront yet, but you should watch like a hawk for the next few weeks. She is not likely to jump from the exchange you just posted right into "I love you" and "Let's meet for sex," but it can progress to that pretty quickly - within days if you don't watch. Don't let on you know anything while you do this.

What you should do is see if she continues to communicate with this guy and come up with something a little more damning of her desire to start something with this guy or entertain his advances.

Put a voice-activated recorder in the car and in the house in a spot where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around.

Go online and monitor who she is calling/texting with daily.

Check the emails and see if there is any more contact with this guy.

In the meantime, you have some insight into what your wife is thinking that she obviously is not telling you about. Take this opportunity to bring up to tell her how much you love her, how you want to improve the marriage, and how you want her to be happy.

If it were me, I wouldn't be doing what I'm advising you to do, but you don't seem like you have the attitude or ability to confront your wife and shut this down immediately as others have already advised. I think you need some harder evidence in order for you to feel you can do this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read the second link in my signature and print it for your wife. Or google the words "how to seduce a married woman" print it for her to show her how she is being played.

After that no confronts. But keep you radar up. And i mean hard. Any sudden sick friends, looking hotter, gno's, passwording phone or computer, get you butt back here for my james bond instructions. Pm me if necessary. Im resident cheating wife buster and VAR goon.

Go to community link at top of page.
Hit members link 
Look up hard to detach and read his thread.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

This is the kind of "opportunity" that can turn into an affair. It's the old slippery slope - she's complaining about her marriage to someone of the opposite sex, and that's a recipe for disaster. Doing NOTHING is not a good idea, though exactly what you should do I can't say - I don't use facebook so I don't know how "private" a private conversation supposedly is. You do have to nip this in the bud, though, or it could very easily progress. Maybe bring it up in marriage counseling?

Have you read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? Excellent book that describes how people who have these inappropriate conversations with the opposite sex don't understand that this is a "boundary" issue and your wife has already crossed a dangerous line.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> What? She's going to get divorced because of the planetary alignment and the angels?


I've known a couple of guys who gave up their wife and kids for angels. (or so they thought at the time)  The problem with cheating is that it makes infidelity so darn depressing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You absolutely should confront. Ignoring it will not make it go away. If you ignore it... you enable it.

This guy is fishing to get your wife. Why the heck would you tolerate it for even the briefest second. I would confront him as well. If he is married, send copies of everything to his wife as well.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

OP 

Do you want to be fvcking married ? Honestly do you ?

Why did you snoop ? Because deep down you felt something wasn't right...

Sit down one day alone and learn how to use your imagination. Try to image how you would feel if your wife cheated on you and you caught. Imagine you knew she was fvcking another man.. Try to go through the emotions.. Imagine the most cruel things you can. Imagine that after getting caught she acted like she didn't care that she got caught. Imagine that this man would call her on her phone while you were home. Imagine that the contact picture is a picture of them during their affair. Imagine this man calling your home to speak with her.

Now when you really swell up with tears ( assuming you do ) multiply by a factor of 1000... Matter of fact imagine she died as that is even better. Imagine that pain and sorrow. Again multiply by 1000. 

Because that is what you will be feeling.. Trust me when I tell you unless your a man of steel with brass balls. That pain is crush and practically unbearable. 

It literally feels like she died but is still there, like a ghost that cannot be spoken to.

Your problem is your too relaxed about this.. 
*
YOUR WIFE JUST TOLD ANOTHER MAN THAT SHE IS JUST ABOUT DONE WITH YOU !!*

If you want this then you better fight like your life depended on it. Otherwise being to prepare to protect your finances.. Cut your losses and prepare for the battle. 

I am more then positive though many here would tell you fight to fix this.. I tried everything I could until I knew there was nothing more for me to do. 

BTW that stuff I mentioned above about imagining is not fiction, its fact.. It is what I had to endure. 

I'm not telling you to beg or cry. .. I did and it fails. It actually does the opposite of what you want. Again something everyone here will agree with. 

You need to let her know you want her and love her and will fight to fix this and keep her.. But you won't take her sh1t or this stuff she is doing on facebook. 

Again its tough, it's one of those things you need to be strong enough to fight for but be ready to cut it loose as well. Its nuts and hard to do, but it's a hard reality.. 

She needs to know your ready to fight but not afraid to cut her loose and move on. Only then will she be scared enough to not be so quick to cut you loose. 

IF she does act like she doesn't care either way then you lost her already and it doesn't matter. Women make up their minds long before they actually leave. So if she checked out mentally months ago this will not matter to her. 

BUT if she is still on the fence this little shake up might bring her down to earth and on your side looking to fix this marriage.

Again no need to be a douche but be firm.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Copy all evidence forthwith.

Don't let on you know. There's no emergency here so look about to see if there are any other signs you should be concerned about. Unexplained time. Cell phone texting in the bathroom. Staying late at work or alleged meets with "friends".

When you do confront, have the evidence in hand. I agree this is in the early stages of fishing around. 

So utterly cheesy with the horoscope. Gah, how cliche'.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Right off the bat I would go the c*ck blocking route. I would tell Mr. Spooky that the next time he gets in touch with your wife you would be paying him a visit. 

You need to read the books in my signature below. Your wife also needs to read the Shirley Glass book.

What are the two of you doing to work on your marriage? Why would she say she may be leaving the marriage soon?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It takes two to get in a verbal fight. All a man accomplishes in one is to show how unmanly he is. Stop this way of not communicating now.

People like to bait their partner when they are looking for an excuse to cheat btw.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I'd be more concerned that your wife thinks the marriage will be ending soon.

The possible affair in the making is only a symptom of greater problems.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> YOUR WIFE JUST TOLD ANOTHER MAN THAT SHE IS JUST ABOUT DONE WITH YOU !![/U][/I][/B]
> 
> I am more then positive though many here would tell you fight to fix this.. I tried everything I could until I knew there was nothing more for me to do.


Generally, when it gets to the point where a woman feels strongly enough to tell others she about done with you, humpty dumpty's done hit the ground. My take is Whitewall's her future ex husband.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me, the last thing that I would want to do is play cat and mouse games. She's talking to some fortune teller whose feeding her a huge bowl of stardust and he's telling her that she will be replacing him in a couple years. Her reply? Maybe sooner. 

So ask her. Don't play games with her and tell her flat out that if she wants out, then the door is open and she's can walk out any time she wants and if she says she wants to work it out then you let her know that she stops with this guy and work on the marriage and if you contact this guy again, my foot will be in contact with Uranus and you can study the stars in the park because that's where you'll be living.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

6301 said:


> you let her know that she stops with this guy and work on the marriage and if you contact this guy again, my foot will be in contact with Uranus and you can study the stars in the park because that's where you'll be living.


That's just ridiculous. If he told her that she'd probably laugh in his face.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Trust your gut!

Take a look at my thread if you like "old flame or just friends EA"

You can see how something seemingly small and controllable can go south very fast.

Two months ago I was asking TAM if I had a right to be upset over a "friend" now stbxh has gone to another state and it turned into a PA.

Like I said things can go downhill very fast.

Plan well and keep coming here for advice! Lots of support from wonderful people here! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DONT do any kind of confrontations or asking about anything. You need to play clueless husband until you have what you need evidence wise.

Soft confronts only make your life worse not better 95% of the time.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> DONT do any kind of confrontations or asking about anything. You need to play clueless husband until you have what you need evidence wise.
> 
> Soft confronts only make your life worse not better 95% of the time.


hhmmmmmmmhmmh...... okay I'll agree here. You need to know if they are talking on the phone yet or have agreed to meet. check up on her facebook everyday to see when they are talking. if they are having phone convos then that is a very very ad sign that you missed something. So get your ebill and look through it and see if you wife is doing something wrong.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am leaning towards confront. Had I confronted my wife when she had her new FB friend I may have adverted her PA. I will never know for sure. I knew she was spending a lot of time on FB with this guy and she had him hidden from me. Did not know the intensity of it, nor the sexting ect till much later, but had I confronted her at that time and insisted on joint FB accounts I just may have stopped her from falling in love with this stranger.


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