# Rant: Visitation Practically NON Existent!!



## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Now to begin with, this is a rant- clearly titled- so if I come off as a little petulant and even selfish, I'm sorry- I'm worked up right now and I'll settle soon... just need a place to share with other people who have been in situations as or more frustrating!

So... xH is a couch surfer (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-a...-husband-moved-back-hates-im-dating-help.html) if you'd like the background, click the link... He is currently staying with friends that have multiple animals, 2 year old twins, an unemployed pot-smoking husband and a mother-in-law living at their place, a MAYBE 1600 sf house. 

We have a standard visitation schedule- I have 100% physical/legal/managerial custody but he is a possessory conservator with standard (in TX) visitation rights:

(1) Weekends. On weekends beginning at 6:00 o’clock p.m. on the first, third and fifth Friday of each month and ending at 6:00 o’clock p.m. on the following Sunday.
(2) Weekend Possession Extended By Holiday. If a weekend period of possession of POSSESSORY CUSTODIAN coincides with a school holiday during the regular school term, or with a federal, state or local holiday during the summer months in 
which school is not in session, the weekend possession shall begin at 6:00 o’clock p.m. Thursday for a Friday holiday or school holiday, and ending at 6:00 o’clock p.m. on a Monday holiday or school holiday;
(3) Thursday. On Thursday of each week during the regular school term, beginning at 6:00 o’clock p.m., and ending at 8:00 o’clock p.m.

We have NEVER followed this schedule for a variety of reasons: xH was in jail when divorce was finalized so clearly he wasn't visiting the kids at all. The first 6 months he was out of jail visitation was supervised by his mother, who was at the time living in the area. He complied with all terms to receive unsupervised visitation, but since then has NOT obtained his own place or a place where the kids would have their own room/space to sleep or play when visiting, so per our decree he is not currently allowed to have them for more than 2 hours at a time. What we have done is work a schedule out so that he can be with them for dinner, homework, bedtime, etc a couple of days a week while I am at either a volleyball game or a work dinner, generally Mondays and Thursdays, discussed in advance- he comes to my house and I leave. On weekends we meet at my house on Sunday mornings to attend church together with the kids.

Problem: I NEED ALONE TIME! He is constantly questioning me and trying to get into my business when I come and go even though we see each other for about 0.5 seconds at a time when he comes to watch the kids. He eats my groceries which I pay for, will shower in MY bathroom (not even the kids'!!) and do his laundry at my house while I'm gone. He also cleans up dishes after the kids, puts their laundry away, and will vacuum or otherwise pick up around the house as well. I am constantly telling him he needs to grow the F up and get his own SAFE place for the kids to go because I am not happy with the way that visitation is working because it impacts my life so much and allows him way too much insight into my life that he's not entitled to. His response is that he can't afford to (which is pretty much true since he is intentionally underemployed to avoid paying more in CS), so he needs to keep things the way they are (I KNOW it's so he can have access to my life!). I then tell him to figure it out like I had to and like the rest of the world population does, and he basically says he won't see the kids at all if I don't let him visit at my house and I am SOL on a "babysitter" and that I should be grateful for the times he *does* watch the kids while I'm out of the house! It's HIS visitation and IIIII should be grateful?! He doesn't see it as me being accommodating and putting up with all his BS (eating my food, laundry etc which I'm okay with since it's give and take and he DOES help while he's there with the boys), but as him doing me a favor and "babysitting" so I can attend work obligations and play a sport. 

I am torn- it makes ME look like the bad guy if I cut off our current situation, but I can't stand him being a mooch and going through my stuff and asking me questions and delving into my personal life. I know he would put the kids in the middle to punish me, when it really hurts the kids. 

I know that I need to go by what the paperwork says and it's his loss if he doesn't see the kids, but what do I tell them? And,

WILL HE EVER GROW THE F#@K UP?!!?


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

I also need to add: holiday schedules I am almost ALWAYS the one to arrange & pay for alternate care or take days off work when the kids' school is closed, even on "his" holidays (since he doesn't take his holiday visits either- I invite him to my home since that's where the kids live and are most comfortable). 

Putting the schedule in writing again? Micromanaging the S#!T out of it at that? Splitting hairs over nickels and dimes? UGH! I don't wannaaaaa... whined the almost 30-year-old. But, I think it's the only way.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As long as you enable him, it will be the same way. Tell him it's time to follow the schedule beginning [day] and you'll have them ready for him to pick up.

If he has to take them to the park or McD's just to hang with them, so be it. If he wants them to spend the night, he'll have to provide a decent place for them to come visit. 

And lastly, for your own sanity, do you have a good friend who is single or divorced with kids? If not, maybe try to meet some in your area? If you got to know another mother, perhaps you two could switch a day every other weekend so you could have an evening to yourself. Or are they old enough to have sleepovers with friends?

As much as we all say put the kids first, there also has to be some commitment on the other parent's part.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Thanks Enjoli... I know I'm an enabler, I like to "mother" everyone and would love to save the world...lol. I'm working on this- the D was a huge step for me a couple years ago but I've had setbacks. 

I am going to document when he doesn't take his visitation and use that as grounds to get CS modified in my favor, as well- he has missed approximately 80? 90? visitations already. I am going to speak to him about the documentation prior, so that it isn't a cheap shot and I'm giving him a real chance to spend time with his kids but on MY (and the court's) terms, not on his anymore.

Lastly, YES! Just this past week, another mom at my boys' school (private PreK- they are 4 and 5) approached me about doing a sleepover swap so that she and hubby could have date night, and so that I could have a night alone without the kids. I kept her 2 kids overnight Friday night and my boys stayed at her place Saturday night and I got to grab dinner with a friend and stay up late watching TV too loud in my living room- it was great! We plan to make it a monthly trade  I would HIGHLY suggest for all parents, single or married! No cost and the kids had a blast.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Damn, I wouldn't let that dude hang at my house when I'm not there. He can either take them out for a day out or not come at all. He shouldn't even have the key to your place. He won't even SEE the kids if he practically live you? Call his bluff. You need to separate yourself physically from him or else you'll never have any peace. 

It's on him to entertain the kids. He must live someplace. Let him take them there. If he can't do overnighters then he can take them for a burger or a movie or to the park. Try and get other resources to watch your kids. 

Divorce with younger children is a problem but as they get older and more independent it will get easier. But it sounds like having the kids with you is definitely preferable to having the Ex hanging out in your house. 

If he bothers you or asks you questions then just don't answer. My STBXH and I have agreed that we aren't allowed to ask each other any questions about what we are doing, who we are doing it with. It's taboo. 

Divorce is about having your own life separate and away from your EX. That's the point of it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Unless the order says visitation must be at your house, then stop.
You should sit down and tell the guy, this isn't working for you. He cannot treat your home like his own. He cannot eat your food, take a shower, do his laundry. He has a residence where that takes place that is no longer with you. From now on, when he exercises visitation, it will be outside your home. He might not see the kids, and that is horrible. But what he is doing is equally horrible, only to you.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Well as of now he gets/takes NO visitation- he landed himself back in jail on Saturday. Stand by for longer post in a new thread.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, at least he's out of your house. :smthumbup:


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