# So many problems



## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. 5 of those 10 years were long distance. We've been married for 5 years now.

Things have been incredibly rough with money and sex and miscommunication.We have moved all over the world and life has just been stressful. Now I feel like we're closer than ever, and we finally appreciate and understand each other for the most part.

We are having to live with his mom and brother in the living room though. We have no privacy at all and what is worse, I'm not on birth control and so having sex is tricky. He doesn't want to use condoms so we are using the pull out method. That's when we have sex, that only happens maybe 4 times a month.

His family is always around and he always feels like having sex at wierd times. I want to be practical and have sex in the morning, the middle of the night is kind of out too. His mom stays up until 5am. I feel very uncomfortable doing it when she is awake and walking around. But since I don't want to be a kill joy, I do it when he wants. That's around 12 at night when his brother and mom and doing things outside of the door. Did I mention the door is sort of see through also?

This is putting a strain on our marriage and we can't afford to move out or get a proper birth control that doesn't make me sick. I was on the ring for years off and on and it killed my sex drive. That caused a lot of problems and I've tried so many different kinds of bc, but they all make me sick and/or kill my sex drive.

We were each others firsts and I always thought that this was romantic. We never dated other people, I had tunnel vision and I still do. But now it feels like it's coming back to bite me. He is frustrated and now he says things about other women that he never did before. I understand that he is a guy, but it feels so weird to hear him say things like single guys do. He isn't happy, and I know it's not anyone's fault. But I want to solve it, I hate seeing him so unhappy. I'm doing everything that I can but it doesn't work. In our entire marriage, the other time sex has been good and on a regular basis was in the first 6 months.

The living situation will be temporary, but it has already been a year.

I don't know what to do, i'd like to have an opinion from men or women that have gone through something like this.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Spend $50 or $60 on a hotel room. You would spend that much on a session of marriage counseling, but I don't think you need counseling you need each other. It will re money well spent. 

Go play in the hot tub. It lowers sperm count, all that hot water. The pull out method works great. Maybe have a spermicide for one of those ooopsies moments, to use immediately afterwards. I can't use any BC either. No shots, pills, patches, implants. It is just the withdraw method for me and my H.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

How long is temporary? I commend you for putting up with it for a year. I would have gone insane.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, get on birth control. There are clinics that will give it to you free if you can not afford it.

The pull-out method?:rofl::rofl::rofl:

it don't work dear!

Get a door installed on the living room...so at least you have SOME privacy. If that is not possible, find a really cheap tow camping trailer and park it in the back yard and live out of it...using the house for kitchen and bathroom only.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ticktock33 said:


> This is putting a strain on our marriage and we can't afford to move out or get a proper birth control that doesn't make me sick. I was on the ring for years off and on and it killed my sex drive. That caused a lot of problems and I've tried so many different kinds of bc, but they all make me sick and/or kill my sex drive.


My wife had the same problem, birth control pills made her sick. Look into getting a hormonal IUD. They are much better than the IUDs of yesteryear. It transformed our sex life. No side effects. No having to remember anything. No more condoms, pills, anything, and unlike surgery, it can be easily taken out if you want to start having children again. 

As far as sleeping in the living room - wow. I am assuming this is an apartment, that's why you can't just go down to the basement for privacy? 

Think back to what teenagers do when they have to find privacy to have sex. They use the back seat of cars, or the back of a van. They go to secluded areas with sleeping bags. Heck, you could even get a tent and go camping - certainly cheaper than a hotel room.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

True. Camping, cars, we have 3 kids and little privacy. We make a mad dash for the bathroom and lock the door. It is not romantic but it does fulfill the need. 

The pull out/withdraw along with the rhythm method works quite well. We used it for 4 years and choose to have our first child when we did and choose the 2nd. Once you get a little older though the rhythm method is not so great. Rhythms get missed up, hence child number 3. Hopefully our last little blessing.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Theseus said:


> My wife had the same problem, birth control pills made her sick. Look into getting a hormonal IUD. They are much better than the IUDs of yesteryear. It transformed our sex life. No side effects. No having to remember anything. No more condoms, pills, anything, and unlike surgery, it can be easily taken out if you want to start having children again.
> 
> As far as sleeping in the living room - wow. I am assuming this is an apartment, that's why you can't just go down to the basement for privacy?
> 
> Think back to what teenagers do when they have to find privacy to have sex. They use the back seat of cars, or the back of a van. They go to secluded areas with sleeping bags. Heck, you could even get a tent and go camping - certainly cheaper than a hotel room.


I concur on the hormonal IUD, they're great my wife is on her second one, the pill has also worked for us when taken. I would not rely on pulling out, I can assure you, that method can lead to one of those things that steals your sleep when young and then demands your money when older.

To be a teenager again, cars worked as did friends places, tents, parties, parks/bush, garages (table tennis tables can support the weight), monorails/trains and apartment stairwells etc.

Then when you are older there are some parts of some pubs and clubs where you can do it without undue attention if you are discrete enough when you have each other.

Off topic note to parents:

Don't kid yourself that enterprising teenagers can't do it quietly in the same room as you either.

A girlfriend and I did it a couple of times when the lights were out sitting on a lounge while her parents watched the telly in the same room (they never noticed).

We did almost get caught once when I was helping my girlfriend (same one as above) with homework. Since she was never allowed to have her bedroom door closed, she would wear a long dress (to hide the visual) and sit on my lap facing forward at her desk while I took her. Unfortunately her father walked in once while we were playing like that and asked her a question about where something was. Naturally we froze and she answered. He then just walked out to get whatever it was he was after, we thought we were toast but nothing happened.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

They also have a non hormonal IUD, it is made of metal not plastic. spermicide and condoms are a safe non hormonal choice. Unless you are allergic to latex. Which I am. If you are, let me be the first to tell you, don't play with latex in certain areas. Not a good way to discover, YEP U ARE ALLERGIC TO LATEX there to.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

intheory said:


> Since you are a married couple, I think it's insensitive that the mother or brother wouldn't let you have a proper room with a door and one of them could use the living room.
> 
> If I had a young, married couple living with me, and I was single, that's what I'd do. I sure wouldn't want them furtively scr*wing in the living room, where either myself or my younger son might walk in on them.
> 
> ...


I work and pay the bills, no way I am sleeping on a couch for A YEAR so someone I am heping out can have a proper bed...the idea is MOTIVATING THEM TO MOVE...GET THEIR ****E TOGETHER

why are you living with his parents?? I understand financial difficulty can put people in a bad way, but a year??? Thats crazy...

you dont have kids, tell him YOU are getting a job or another job and moving into an apartment, he can come with if he chooses


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hang a sheet over the "see-through" door. And get a hotel room once in awhile, as others have suggested.

I suspect that your marital issues and your husband's "new" talk about other women have to do with something besides birth control and see-through doors.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Thanks everyone! Yes, it's been a year...but things have been going downhill for years. Because of our situations, it's just been annoying and unbearable. 

I think he knows that things will be different when we FINALLY get our own place. But because of his stressful job, it makes him act out. 

My mother in law is the nicest woman you'd ever meet. The brother however is the biggest a**hole (excuse my language lol), he has no respect whatsoever and encouraged us to move into the living room. We had his room at first, 3 days later he was kicking us out and making it seem as if it was good for us. Oh yes, have the living room. It's so private with the nearly clear door in the front of the house and me walking around ALL DAY LONG!!!

The pull out method has seemed to work for 2 years now. But he hates it for obvious reasons. The hotel thing wouldn't work, we are having issues with money which is why we're living with them in the first place. My husband would laugh in my face if I suggested it, but I have thought seriously about it. We want to try the IUD but he keeps putting it off and it's just a mess. Finding other places to do it isn't an option as the bathroom is tiny. We aren't teenagers and I'm not going to act like one. I'm not opposed to having kids by accident actually. Maybe he will grow up and get out of this funk. But that is a horrible idea so we aren't trying it.

Maybe I'm overreacting with his behavior, but it's just strange to me. In all of these years, he has never said anything about other women. Now it's all the time, he apologizes but I'm a good wife and he saids so all the time. So what gives?

Yes, I know we have been living with them for a year. This is painfully obvious given that it will be a year this week. Trust me, I know! But I'm doing all that I can and he is too, he has kind of given up hope and I'm trying to pull both of us out. We are in our 30's, we aren't teenagers. The living room is our officially room so no one really comes in at night or during the day really because we work from home and need it to be quiet. There is a sign on the door asking them to not come in and be quiet.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> Rhythms get missed up, hence child number 3.


and that sounds like it is working well for you?

come on, this is not the middle ages. If you do not want a kid, the "pull out method" is a joke. 

Try using some of those ribbed condoms or ultrathin ones....your husband might like them more.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

He HATES condoms! He's always worried that they will slide off and he keeps checking and it's just a pain. We've had a few mishaps and it broke. Not fun! For him anyway, I like them actually because it's less trouble for me.

He's a super careful kind of guy, I'm actually shocked that he even wanted to try pulling out at all. I guess he is that desperate so it's saying something.

The whole situation has been difficult for both of us. I'm more willing to try things but he wants to do everything his way. He has gotten over that a lot over the years, but it's still a problem. He is so stubborn, he'll listen eventually and that is the good news. It's only been 5 years that things have been tough in all aspects of our lives. But it feels like 10 or 15 years!

The good news is that things are good right now. It's up and down, I just want this phase to be over! But that's marriage, right?


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

What do you do with the spermicide? It sounds like a good idea, I hope it doesn't ruin the mood. Although, the mood isn't great anyway. 

Thank you dejongeyanj!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

ticktock33 said:


> What do you do with the spermicide? It sounds like a good idea, I hope it doesn't ruin the mood. Although, the mood isn't great anyway.
> 
> Thank you dejongeyanj!


I could not use hormonal based birth control like the pill, so we always used this product for most of the past 20 years: 
Blairex Labs Encare Vaginal Contraceptive Inserts - Walmart.com

Effective and cheap! 

It just required inserting the small suppository vaginally (capsule shaped semi solid that each come sealed separately) at least 10 minutes before. Sex with this method has always been spontaneous enough since you can wait until you know you will have sex based on you or he initiating and then inserting one and continue foreplay for at least 10 more minutes! And frankly, I'm not sure we always made it to 10 minutes but it was still effective!

We do have 4 kids but seriously there were only 4 times that we skipped using this product when we thought about wanting another one. They each literally took 1 try! Yes, I was very fertile! Have just gone through menopause so no longer need to worry about it!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ticktock33 said:


> The pull out method has seemed to work for 2 years now. But he hates it for obvious reasons.


The pull out method works fine if he's got good control and no pre-ejaculate. I haven't used condoms since I was a teenager, and at the ripe old age of early 50's with dozens of sex partners in my lifetime, I'm clean and I haven't had any unwanted pregnancies as a result. Not sure what the "obvious reasons" are for him hating it.. nothing beats a pull out with a messy facial. 



ticktock33 said:


> The brother however is the biggest a**hole (excuse my language lol), he has no respect whatsoever and encouraged us to move into the living room. We had his room at first, 3 days later he was kicking us out and making it seem as if it was good for us.


He kicked you out of his room? Oh, then he is not living with you, you are living with him. He's helping you out. You have to abide by his wishes. He's probably feeling more put out than you are, he gave up his living room for you.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

lenzi said:


> The pull out method works fine if he's got good control and no pre-ejaculate. I haven't used condoms since I was a teenager, and at the ripe old age of early 50's with dozens of sex partners in my lifetime, I'm clean and I haven't had any unwanted pregnancies as a result. Not sure what the "obvious reasons" are for him hating it.. nothing beats a pull out with a messy facial.
> 
> 
> 
> He kicked you out of his room? Oh, then he is not living with you, you are living with him. He's helping you out. You have to abide by his wishes. He's probably feeling more put out than you are, he gave up his living room for you.


I help around the house and do everything that they ask me to do. Yes, I know that he gave up his room and his mom was in the living room. So we took her room too, I feel horrible about that! This all happened with in 5 days, we left everything. I'm painfully aware of how put out everyone is. This was only supposed to be a 3 month solution and then we would find our own place.

I'm grateful everyday that they took us in and we aren't on the street selling big issue. I tell him that when he gets upset about it, but honestly it isn't just that. But there are other problems....like the title SO many problems!!

The obvious reasons for not liking the pull out method is that he's constantly worried. It takes the fun out of it, he isn't the happy go lucky kind of guy. Not that you or anyone is for liking it, but he is seriously not taking any chances.

I would like to try the vagina suppositories but we aren't living in America. I wonder if it's the only place to find them. I'm American and my husband is from Eastern Europe btw.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> They also have a non hormonal IUD, it is made of metal not plastic. spermicide and condoms are a safe non hormonal choice. Unless you are allergic to latex. Which I am. * If you are, let me be the first to tell you, don't play with latex in certain areas. Not a good way to discover, YEP U ARE ALLERGIC TO LATEX there to.*


Big Mama, I shouldn't laugh, but you are too funny!


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. 5 of those 10 years were long distance. We've been married for 5 years now.
> 
> Things have been incredibly rough with money and sex and miscommunication.We have moved all over the world and life has just been stressful. Now I feel like we're closer than ever, and we finally appreciate and understand each other for the most part.
> 
> ...


Go to planned parenthood and see what they can offer. Look into the one they inject in your arm...it's temporary and won't cause miscarriages. IMHO that's priority one, unless you want to be pregnant and bring a child in to that environment (and trust me--it can and will happen). Second, they NEED to get out of your place, point blank. How does your hisband feel about this? He needs to be the one to confront them and give them a timeline, otherwise it will KEEP HAPPENING. Sorry to be harsh--tough love!


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

Yes, you are right.We live in Europe and we live with his family, they don't live with us. But I'm sure there are options, everything that I suggest he finds a reason that it's not a good idea.


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