# Wife left new year's eve



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's been a week of very familiar feelings I've become an expert in experiencing but I seem to not want to learn a lesson.

My wife and I are both 30 years old. We started dating 11 years ago when we were 19. We got married 3 years ago. There are no children.

Our relationship has always seemed like a one-direction highway to me, although I admit, she has provided me with love and mental support over the years. I've been passionately dependent on her for over a decade. Never really felt appreciated, but I didn't mind. To me, having her as my eternal partner seems like the ultimate purpose in my life and I'm simply addicted to her. 

Throughout our dating years, she repeatedly found herself at a dead end with me and tried to break it up. As a result of my begging, crying, promises and her own uncertainty she kept coming back but every single time this happened, I developed a slight sense of resentment and lack of trust towards her.

Fast forward a few years and we eventually got married 3 years ago. Our marriage has been somewhat bumpy with good times and bad times for both of us. My lack of trust in her commitment to our relationship never went away and she sure didn't hesitate to leave for her parents' every time she felt she "needed space".

She's a very frustrated person by nature. Always anxious, worried, sleepless and in fear of getting let down. I can claim with confidence that in the 11 years I've been with her, not once has she come across as completely happy or satisfied with her day no matter what. I've pointed this out to her and she has always seemed to acknowledge her less than positive approach towards life, but never really did anything about it.

I've loved this girl since we met and as far as financial responsibilities I have given her the dream life. She came to our marriage with pretty much nothing, worked different jobs part time, then decided to go to college and got her degree. All this while I worked my ass off to buy us a fantastic house and 2 expensive cars.

Her latest episode came after the sudden death of her brother in a car accident. It was awful and I tried very hard to provide her with all the support in the world, but she seems to just not care anymore. 

I know I'm ranting and probably being unfair to her in my statements, but she has now left me and wants a divorce. Of course I wondered if there's another person in her life, but I have no evidence of such thing. She's kind'a too uptight and snobby for guys to approach her with ease. Maybe I'm just being naive.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm crushed. I've been somewhat trying the 180 thing and even wrote her a very emotional but firm goodbye letter wishing her a life of happiness. She replied back with a one liner wishing me the same.

She keeps wanting to come and pack up her stuff. I keep hesitating to give her the time. I just don't know if I should. 

I've asked her to reconsider and at least give MC a try, but she's being her stubborn self.

I feel like the world is coming down crushing on me and there's no end to it. Everything I worked for, everything I had hoped for, all the love I have, all the attraction, all the memories and my own youth are going down the toilet.

I'm a wreck


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Synthetic,
Your situation is terrible. All I can say is if she wants to leave, let her go. Trying to hold on to someone who does not want to be with you will just drive you more nuts that I am sure you already are. Also, no woman is "unapproachable" or "affair proof". Trust me, all it takes is the wrong person to say the right thing at the wrong place at the wrong time. If you truly love her, tell her how you feel, ask her to go to MC and if she does not want to, then you are going to have to let her go. As hard as it seems to be right now, you will be happier later on. Good luck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What were her words when leaving?

Where did she go?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She "needs space"?

"I need space" in womanese almost always means: "I've met someone".

Judging by the sound of your description of her, your W sounds like she is never completely satisfied, may feel that she "settled" for you, and may always be on the lookout for something better.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

F-102 said:


> She "needs space"?
> 
> "I need space" in womanese almost always means: "I've met someone".
> 
> Judging by the sound of your description of her, your W sounds like she is never completely satisfied, may feel that she "settled" for you, and may always be on the lookout for something better.


THIS!

And is she your first true girlfriend?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Thanks for the replies folks. I really need them. I need reaffirmation that I AM a real human being and deserve respect/love.

I met her tonight. She wanted to know when I'm going to separate our bank account and let her come get her stuff. I asked if we could have a coffee, she agreed.

Over our coffee date, she reconfirmed her firmness about "divorce" (not separation) and said she feels very good about it. She thinks the death of her brother gave her the strength to leave me for good (WTF?!)

As for the questions asked so far:

- She left to her parents' place which is empty right now because they're abroad and coming back in 2 weeks.
- She said not much when she left our home. She said "I'm going to stay at my parents' for a while" and I didn't resist while she was packing the first set of things she grabbed to leave. Now she wants to come get the rest.

The most crushing things she's said since leaving are:

- I need our bedroom set. 

Then I told her that I'm probably going to leave our home and she immediately said "I can move in then, cuz I can't stay at my parents for too long".

That just killed me. HOW?! How could she even feel ok about living at our place and possibly "sharing the rent" with Cindy (a very new friend of hers)

We own a house but it's fully rented and earns us an income. We live in a rental apartment so she's closer to her parents and I'm closer to my job. She says she'll gladly move back in if I leave and will probably share the place with Cindy. If I don't move, she wants the bedroom set. (Another WTF?!!)

I have planted a GPS tracker and a VAR in her car over the past week. It seems like she's telling the truth about not being involved with anyone. Her daily activities show no signs of another guy being around, but I'm still doubtful.

She has developed a lot of anger. She can't talk to me without pressing her teeth or shedding tears. She says she was living a fake life that never really existed. She says she knows I love her a lot and has always taken comfort in that, but she can't go on just relying on that anymore. She says she's absolutely done being my wife and wants a new life. Her words are like bullets going through my fragile heart.

I didn't beg or cry tonight. I was smiling, happy, wearing my ring (which she questioned) and explaining that for our 11 years of being together, we owed it to ourselves to try counseling. She was having absolutely none of it. 

She wants me to help her get on with life by making things easy for her (moving out, selling the house, giving her the car). My God, I still care so much about this girl, I was going to tell her she can have everything, but a voice told me not to say that.

I'm a half dead man. The part of me that is alive still holds some hope but I know I'm being stupid.

FML


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She left me. She ****ing left me. Our life. Our beautiful life.

Now she gets to have over $100,000 + alimony and a broken ex-husband who still loves her to death.

Will she ever regret this? Will she ever?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She is probably involved with Cindy.

The death of her brother showed her that life is too short to live a lie. YOU are not the lie...her pretend sexuality was.

Just a thought.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She is probably involved with Cindy.


I wish! None are into that stuff. I have heard their conversations. So ****ing fake and childish. They're coworkers who only met each other 3 weeks ago. They're just emotionally supporting each other to get on with their lives. Apparently Cindy is leaving her parents' place to be "independent" and my wife has no problem sharing her home with some stranger from work when less than a week ago a real husband, a lover and her "everything" was sharing a bed with her in the same home.

Floored doesn't begin to describe how I feel.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Never say never.

Be aware.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Synthethic: Before you say anything else, I need you to read, ponder, and work through the following book: No More Mr Nice Guy. 

After you've done this, come back and let us know what your new plan moving forward is. The best thing you can do right now is to let her go and work on yourself. 

Remember, No More Mr Nice Guy. It's tatooed all over you right now.


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## AlaskaMan (Jan 9, 2012)

Take your ring off, get her stuff out asap, and tell her she can buy her own bedroom set. Split the money immediately and exactly. Be fair, but don't give her a dime extra. You can tell her that it is your wish to have her back, but if she isn't even open to the possibility, then she can go to h***.

Your only hope with her is to look strong, and to take the attitude that this is her loss. (And from your description, it probably is.) She may or may not have second thoughts, but you need to do what's right for you, and being walked all over by her is not what's right. She can't possibly respect you until you can respect yourself. That requires toughness and discipline. Hard, but necessary.

That's probably the most likely way to get her back, but you can't count on it. Its what you need regardless.

A big problem for you is that since you have been in this since you were 19, you probably have never had to get over being crushed romantically before, and it seems like she is unique and the only one for you ever. That's nonsense. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it is. There are a lot of great women out there that really want a decent guy. 

We all think we are unique, but in reality there are only about a dozen of us.... We all share the same few problems and get neurotic trying to hide them from each other...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> She left me. She ****ing left me. Our life. Our beautiful life.
> 
> Now she gets to have over $100,000 + alimony and a broken ex-husband who still loves her to death.
> 
> Will she ever regret this? Will she ever?



Alimony? what state do you live in?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Dadof3 said:


> Synthethic: Before you say anything else, I need you to read, ponder, and work through the following book: No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> After you've done this, come back and let us know what your new plan moving forward is. The best thing you can do right now is to let her go and work on yourself.
> 
> Remember, No More Mr Nice Guy. It's tatooed all over you right now.


Dadof3, I'm doing exactly what you said. Reading "No more Mr. Nice guy". Amazing what a spark the very first 2 chapters have caused. THANK YOU.



AlaskaMan said:


> Take your ring off, get her stuff out asap, and tell her she can buy her own bedroom set. Split the money immediately and exactly. Be fair, but don't give her a dime extra. You can tell her that it is your wish to have her back, but if she isn't even open to the possibility, then she can go to h***.
> 
> Your only hope with her is to look strong, and to take the attitude that this is her loss. (And from your description, it probably is.) She may or may not have second thoughts, but you need to do what's right for you, and being walked all over by her is not what's right. She can't possibly respect you until you can respect yourself. That requires toughness and discipline. Hard, but necessary.
> 
> ...


Alaskaman, your post sounds very wise. The whole being with her since 19 thing is indeed a major obstacle when it comes to recovery. I had no dating life to speak of. I've had crushes, lady friends, maybe even high-school love but she truly was the center of my world and continues to be despite all the rejection and coldness.



EleGirl said:


> Alimony? what state do you live in?


Ontario, Canada


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

A somewhat miserable morning. I read through "No More Mr. Nice Guy" last night all night. Huge wake-up call even though I should've put the puzzle together much earlier in life.

Despite feeling better about myself, I still think she betrayed our marriage by leaving.


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## AlaskaMan (Jan 9, 2012)

Of course she betrayed your marriage by leaving. That's a reason you should feel better about yourself...


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Yea - so Synth - now that you've read it. What are you going to do about it?

And how will you apply that to your W leaving?

Lets see what you learned.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She's coming in half an hour to grab her stuff. Should I even stay in? Our little dog is here and will have to witness her mom leave once again. 

I'm getting destroyed from within


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Go find something else to do - get out of the house. Nothing with look worse to her than a pathetic man. Show her you have better things to do. Go hit the gym, run around the block or something. 

Show her your strong side.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Too late. She's here. She has brought "Cindy" with her. It's a coworker as I mentioned. I'm well dressed, being very nice and hopefully confident.

My wife was trying very hard not to cry when the dog kept licking her.

I'm not sure how to feel about anything anymore. The image I'm presenting is definitely not of a needy person though.

I have taken all her pictures off the walls as well. No picture of us together remains visible in the house.

I just changed all my facebook pictures as well.

I don't know how to feel. I'm dying inside.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

synthetic said:


> She left me. She ****ing left me. Our life. Our beautiful life.
> 
> Now she gets to have over $100,000 + alimony and a broken ex-husband who still loves her to death.
> 
> Will she ever regret this? Will she ever?


Why the alimony? If single with no kids, no reason she can't work. Plus, since you paid for the college degree, perhaps you should get paid something. At a minimum, I would argue that the cost of that degree should be counted as an asset of the marriage.

Also, I agree with that_girl about Cindy. Even if not physical, it is probably an emotional affair, perhaps with your wife being drawn to the single life?


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## AlaskaMan (Jan 9, 2012)

Man up. Hang in there. Don't let her take what isn't hers. Remember: It's her loss!!


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