# How do I go about this (lies)



## xayna (Apr 5, 2015)

I met my husband back in 2013 and we got married early 2014. From the very early days of our relationship he used to talk about this girl who's an old friend of his and she was such a good person but trapped in a ****ty marriage. As months passed I found out that this girl was his ex girlfriend. At first I didn't call him out on it and I actually felt sorry for her and told him that he should help her out as much as he can. 

Fast forward early on in our married life ( first month) he told me that she texted him about her having a wet dream of him. Of course I got mad and I asked him he stops talking to her which he promised he would do. I didn't pursue the matter any further and trusted him to deliver on his promise. But he didn't. 

When I found out about it I didn't yell or anything of the sort I just curled up on the bed and didn't talk until he asked me what was wrong. When I told him he apologized profusely and said she was having problems with her marriage and he didn't have the heart to cut all contact with her. 

Anyways, he eventually said he did it and she will no longer be a problem. At the time I still didn't feel like I needed to check if it was true or not. I just took him for his word. A week or so later I asked him about it and he was like, " I told her not to talk to me, but she's still texting me" . my husband is very tech savvy and he knows how to block her from ever contacting him again. I got upset because I felt he was playing dumb on me and I had to spell everything out to him when in fact it's his job to get this done! But anyway I forgiven him on the promise that he'll deal with it. 
Note that I'm never mad for too long, I never gave him a hard time for any of those things. 

Few months later I came across a ton of pictures on his phone of some chick he works with whom I know he gives her rides every now and then ( he had more pictures of her than he had of me!!!) I was very hurt and started becoming mistrustful of him. It was obvious he didn't have any boundaries. 
So I did the obvious... I went through his phones. To my surprise when I came to the conversation between him and the ex I saw that his reaction to the wet dream was "you're such a bad girl" 
And when he told her that he can't talk to her it went like this " (my name) is too jealous and can't control her emotions. I'm very sorry but we can't talk anymore " 

Needles to say I was enraged. How could he call me a crazy jealous wife when in reality she's been a big *****? I understood right then and there that her feelings were obviously more important than mine. 

After a huge fight during which he insisted he didn't do anything wrong he finally said he'll set the record straight. I didn't care much for her but his attitude was beginning to worry me. Needles to say, he never delivered on that promise and I just let it go. 

This all happened very early in our marriage like the first 1-3 months. Now here we are a year later and last week I discovered he's been contacting her. This is how it happened...

His phone is linked to the PC so I saw a notification that he has an email from her. I didn't worry much and figured it must be spam and he would surely tell me about it. 
Thing is, I have been feeling something is off for the past month and asked him many times if he has anything he should tell me about, if he's hiding anything or if he's broken any promises. He would look me in the eye and tell me of course not and even one time he acted all offended that I should doubt his integrity!!!

So I waited for him to tell me about it that day but he didn't say anything. I asked if anything out of the ordinary happened today and he said none. I went to bed quite annoyed that night and woke up to him handing me a cup of coffee. I was gonna give it more time see if he's gonna tell me about it but he didn't. I couldn't wait so I just called and asked. 

His answer? Yeah she emailed me saying she's pregnant but I didn't respond, you can check my email if you don't believe me( he knows I always take his word). I didn't believe him and I'm thankful I didn't. I opened his tablet while he was on the phone with me and told him tearfully that he lied about not replying to her and his answer? Oh yeah I did but that's all to it. I read the date to him and he was like oh it's only been two days. I look further in the deleted emails folder and there's a weeks worth of emails. I told him and he was like it's only been a week. I started crying hysterically and he started yelling at me so I hung up on him. 

I layed on the floor crying for an hour maybe then I had the devil's idea of taking all of this to the ex current husband but on the way I called her and she told me they've been in contact for four months, a couple of days before my birthday was when it all started.

After driving aimlessly in the rain for almost 9 hours, I came home and sat waiting for him. When he arrived I told him how this is gonna go, I ask and he answers if I discover one more lie I'm leaving and never coming back. He still lied. He said it's only been a week because he thought it was all I knew, he didn't know about my little chat with the ex gf. I called him out on it and he was like it slipped my mind???

After a lot of crying and yelling he finally apologized and said none of it will ever happen again. 

I don't believe him and now I'm not even allowed to talk about this because I make him feel bad about himself????

Really wtf is going on and what on earth am I to do?? I don't trust him not one bit and I do not know how to.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

xayna said:


> When he arrived I told him how this is gonna go, I ask and he answers. *If I discover one more lie I'm leaving and never coming back. He still lied.*
> 
> *Really wtf is going on and what on earth am I to do??*


What on earth are you going to do? You need to do exactly what you said you would do -- you told him if you discovered ONE MORE LIE, you would leave and never come back.

You issued a threat, then failed to act on your threat. Now, he knows your words are hollow and he can just keep doing what he's doing and you will put up with it.

He is a liar with zero boundaries.

IMHO, it's time to pull the plug on this marriage. No kids yet, time to go. Counseling will not "fix" him.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I skimmed down to Happy as a Clam's response.

I saw "one more lie" And "no kids". That's all we need to know.

Leave him. Next time get to know someone a bit more before you rush into marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I skimmed down to Happy as a Clam's response.
> 
> I saw "one more lie" And "no kids". That's all we need to know.
> 
> ...


Agree. I honestly cannot physically read posts with no paragraph breaks. I'm going with whatever you say since I think I usually agree with you....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You said you don't trust him and you don't know how to.

Of course you can't and you don't, b/c he is an untrustworthy liar! 

Why would even consider staying married to him, under the circumstances? He is a liar. Your life with him will be filled with lies, about his relationships with other women, about money, about work, about drinking and/or drugs, whatever and whenever he wants something and you seem to stand in the way.

You told him you would leave, so now all you need to do is follow through. This is not a man you can trust, ever.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Agree. I honestly cannot physically read posts with no paragraph breaks. I'm going with whatever you say since I think I usually agree with you....


Haha! I'm glad at least somebody does!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You obviously don't trust him because he's clearly given you reason not to. You are totally within your rights.

At this point in your marriage this kinds of stuff should have been non-issue. You made your boundary clear.

It would help if you could let us know if you are codependent type person as that would help with the advice to give you. I get a vibe that you may be at least to some degree.

My advice is give up on this marriage. For me personally, exes are ultimate poison and if my spouse was contacting one I would IMMEDIATELY end things on the spot. 

At this point the only options I see are:
1. Marriage counseling
2. Complete ultimatum of 100% no contact with clear statement marriage ends if continues
3. End marriage now. 

From your post I get the impression this has killed you inside and lowered your self-esteem. Work on fixing YOU. If that means you kick husband out of your life than that's what it will take.

You've already allowed him too hurt you. Now ask yourself if you want to allow it to continue.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I am with everyone else. You made an ultimatum and he decided to ignore it. He has told you this past year what he really feels for you. He is not going to change, are you OK with that?

If not, it is time to go.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Contact the Ex-girlfriend's husband. Carry out the threat that you gave to your husband. He has not gotten over his ex-girlfriend. When another woman says to your husband that she is having wet dreams about him and he is responding to her, they are having an affair. Your husband lied to you over and over again.

See a psychologist to get your head straight. You need to stop being a doormat. You are early on this marriage, it may be time for you to assess this marriage closely. I'm ongoing 35 years married. I would not have tolerated this nonsense of your marriage if my husband was behaving the way yours are doing.

Your choice; you may end up like Princess Di. There will be three people in your bed in no time!


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

One word, Next 
Do it for your own self respect and sanity


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

She told him she's pregnant?

If it was like, "Oh, I'm so excited - I'm pregnant!" I would discount it but if she was like, "I'm pregnant." You'd need to look more into this. If she had told him she had a wet dream about him - he might have taken it as an invitation to have a PA.

Do the 180. Get your things in order. Don't take any more from him. I know it's hard to put into action, but when it starts, it becomes easier with time with some bit of ups and downs.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I have to agree with the others, I found it hard to read your post, but all i am going to say is... One of the things i cant stand are LIES, I HATE them, and this man has shown on more than one occasion that hes a liar, and the problem with someone who lies all the time how do you know when they're telling the truth?.

My husbands brother lies so much he actually believes them himself, so now every time he tells one of his stories we always say "ok whatever you say" and take it with a pinch of salt.

I would not waste one more second on this man, He wont change.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, are you still here?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm always surprised when a man LIKE THAT even gets married.. doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me..


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm always surprised when a man LIKE THAT even gets married.. doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me..


Yup. Me either.


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## xayna (Apr 5, 2015)

I don't know what to say it's all too overwhelming. 
I'm sorry about the lack of spaces/paragraph breaks. I was crying while writing all that so I didn't pay any attention to it. 

I want to fix it. I don't want to give up on him too soon. I have left already but I don?t have any plans in mind. Divorce is scary. I'm only 25 and I feel like a failure already. Before I got married i was someone entirely different than who i am today. I guess I really have turned into a doormat. Maybe some therapy is in order to pick myself up before I can make any decisions.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

xayna said:


> Before I got married i was someone entirely different than who i am today. I guess I really have turned into a doormat.


This is not a healthy relationship for you -- not a good sign that your personality has completely changed due to being with him.



xayna said:


> Maybe some therapy is in order to pick myself up before I can make any decisions.


I think therapy is a great idea. 

You mention that you have already left. Where are you staying now?


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## xayna (Apr 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> xayna said:
> 
> 
> > Before I got married i was someone entirely different than who i am today. I guess I really have turned into a doormat.
> ...


I'm staying with my parents right now.


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## xayna (Apr 5, 2015)

I'm contemplating showing him this thread... 

He always made me feel like my concerns and worries are nonsensical and that I'm always overreacting.


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## xayna (Apr 5, 2015)

I'm contemplating showing him this thread... 

He always made me feel like my concerns and worries are nonsensical and that I'm always overreacting.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

xayna said:


> I'm contemplating showing him this thread...
> 
> He always made me feel like my concerns and worries are nonsensical and that I'm always overreacting.


xayna, you stated that you are not ready to give up on him yet.

But honestly, if a friend told you everything you have told us here, wouldn't you tell her to RUN FOR THE HILLS???

I know exactly how you feel. Feeling like you can't go on without him. Your life will be empty without him. You simply have to give it "one more chance"... but honestly, how many one-more-chances have you already GIVEN him?

The fact that you don't even recognize yourself anymore due to this relationship is very troubling.

You seem like a very nice person. Him? Not so nice. Do yourself a favor and break away from this toxic leech.

One question... why is he begging you to forgive him, making empty promises, when he just keeps going and doing the same thing, over and over? Sounds like he has a major personality flaw.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When you were dating, he brought up this woman constantly, and later you found out she was not "just a friend" - she was his ex, which it took months for him to be honest about.

Red flag #1

The resst of your post is basically an outline for a man who has always kept and wants to keep his options open.

He did the classic deflecting by getting mad at you, lying, and saying this was not up for discussion. You do see how ridiculous and ironic that is, right? 

You told him you'd walk if he lied again. He lied. You're still around. 

At this point, you need to realize, he's not serious about respecting you/your boundaries/your marriage. He has done nothing to indicate he truly understands the pain he's caused you by betraying you repeatedly.

You met him in 2013 and married him only last year. This is who he is. He is unlikely to change. He might realize what a do&che he's been if you walk/kick him out and tell him you're not tolerating this bullsh*t anymore. But I can assure you, if you keep standing idly by while he does whatever he wants, he will never take you seriously. 

Seems he wants to have you...and all his women on the side.

Also, note, for the future - whenever someone won't stop talking about their opposite sex friend (for the heteros) and fails to mention this person was their EX only after months later, run, baby.

I dated a guy who would not STFU about his "best friend" who was a woman - and later he told me it was his ex. It was clear to me he was not over her or had some kind of sick fascination with pretending to be super evolved/still in massive contact with her. We couldn't even go on a date without her calling. That ended pretty soon because I was not dealing with that at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xayna said:


> I'm contemplating showing him this thread...
> 
> He always made me feel like my concerns and worries are nonsensical and that I'm always overreacting.


Because that is what cheaters/liars do.

If you were behaving as he was - carrying on with your ex, having a ton of pics of other men in your phone, lying about it to him, telling him he was jealous and you weren't gonna discuss it, giving rides home to men all the time from work - you can bet your BOTTOM DOLLAR he would NOT be ok with. Promise.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jdawg2015 said:


> You obviously don't trust him because he's clearly given you reason not to. You are totally within your rights.


:iagree:

He should be the one crying hysterically on the ground, not you. He should be the one trying to make things better with you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You can try an experiment. Go talking to ex-boyfriends, take lots of pictures of you being around hot men, talk to these men about their issues, and tell your husband that these men masturbate to thoughts of you, and see his reactions from there. Tell him how these men make you feel attractive, and highly wanted.

He would most likely be a jealous, controlling partner afterwards.

It is different because he is not the one facing the consequences.

He feels safe enough to lie easily to you, that means he does not respect you. Usually fear of a consequence will limit a behavior that would lead to a negative consequence, but his words have let him off the hook, and thus he has never had to prove anything with any actions.


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