# Over a year later...



## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

I have only posted one other time, over a year ago regarding messages I had found between my husband and another woman. It's been a rough year, but we have stayed together. Now even though he has been great to me since then I am suspicious to an extreme. Constantly wondering if I should be worried, and I do not even really think or know if he really cheated on me previously. Does anybody have any advice on how to control my constant fears/worries about infidelity?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Limbo is a lousy place.being vigilant wears you out.

I think you out to do some discreet investigating. look for Weightlifter's notes on this on this site.

Trust is broken and you can't be sure of anything that your h says--frustrating.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

That's the problem. I do look through stuff occasionally but wish I didn't. I just don't know how to move past even though I want to.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Often times we talk about the WS doing the "heavy lifting". If your husband has not done this, then I suspect that is why you are in this state. Regaining trust takes time and if the WS is not giving you assurances in all areas, by word and deed, perhaps that is why you are still feeling uneasy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When your spouse betrays you, it takes a long time to regain trust. Everything seems "off" because the unthinkable happened. And it can take several years, or more, to recover. You just take it a day at a time. And always be vigilant.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

That is probably true, his friend said he was the one having the affair via husbands phone, yes I know that does not sound plausible, but still upsets me that all this time later the "friend" is still in our lives and nothing ever came of it. He really is great to me in every other way though which makes it more confusing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> That is probably true, his friend said he was the one having the affair via husbands phone, yes I know that does not sound plausible, but still upsets me that all this time later *the "friend" is still in our lives* and nothing ever came of it. He really is great to me in every other way though which makes it more confusing.


This needs to end.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

I agree, but every time I bring it up nothing happens and I feel like I'm crazy. I don't feel like I'm the one that needs to take steps to ensure he doesn't come around. If it was truly my husband being innocent and his friend ruining the trust wouldn't a man be pissed about that? Never got into an argument or anything with him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> I agree, but every time I bring it up nothing happens and I feel like I'm crazy. I don't feel like I'm the one that needs to take steps to ensure *he* doesn't come around. If it was truly my husband being innocent and his friend ruining the trust wouldn't a man be pissed about that? Never got into an argument or anything with him.


Wait...what? Was your husband involved w/ another _man_ or another _woman_?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> That is probably true, his friend said he was the one having the affair via husbands phone, yes I know that does not sound plausible, but still upsets me that all this time later the "friend" is still in our lives and nothing ever came of it. He really is great to me in every other way though which makes it more confusing.


Oh...OK...so... Your husband's (male) friend tried to take the heat for your husband and claimed that HE (the friend) was using your husband's phone to carry on a text-based relationship w/ this other woman...?

No, that doesn't sound plausible at all.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

Ok what happened was about a year after getting married I found several conversations on facebook starting months prior to the marriage, with another woman. I completely broke down and the husband said he had no idea about it. Husbands best friend said he started the conversations when I was out of town and he was drinking with his buddy. So basically saying these recurring messages from my husbands phone was not my husband but his friend talking with the other woman, while my husband was "too drunk to know where his phone was".


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Oh...OK...so... Your husband's (male) friend tried to take the heat for your husband and claimed that HE (the friend) was using your husband's phone to carry on a text-based relationship w/ this other woman...?
> 
> No, that doesn't sound plausible at all.




Exactly.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> That is probably true, his friend said he was the one having the affair via husbands phone, yes I know that does not sound plausible, but still upsets me that all this time later the "friend" is still in our lives and nothing ever came of it. He really is great to me in every other way though which makes it more confusing.


This is why you're still in limbo.

Nothing has changed.

Your husband has admitted to nothing and therefore has no remorse.
He got away with it, why should he do the heavy lifting?
He's pretending it never happened.

On top of that the toxic friend who helped him cover up his affair is still his best bud.

If I were you I'd not be worried that I was snooping his phone.
I'd be worried I didn't also investigate his phone record, credit card bills, internet use, and hadn't stuck a VAR in his car.

You don't need less snooping you need more snooping.

What makes you think he's not still in the affair?
He never admitted it and never had any reason to stop it so why do you think he did?
He probably just took it deeper underground so you wouldn't stumble across anymore texts.

Funny, you came here to reassure yourself you had no need to mistrust him and you're getting the exact opposite.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

If I commit to snooping that much I would rather leave. Snooping can be addictive. He is remorseful and cries and feels bad when it's brought up and some things have changed, like no more going out without me there and such, so it would be very hard to pull off an affair now. Every time the conversations were had I was out of town and now I do not go out of town by myself. And yes I agree about the toxic friend it's a painful issue, just seen him last weekend and all I can think about is what has happened.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> He is remorseful and cries and feels bad when it's brought up


Why?

He was innocent, his friend was using his phone for the affair.

He didn't even know about it.

Why would he be remorseful?
What is he remorseful for?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband is either the worlds stupidest drunk or the worlds best liar.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You posted this is January 2013. Why haven't you followed up with it??



Confusedwife2012 said:


> My husbands best friend will no longer be in our lives


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

he says he regrets putting me in this situation and making me question his loyalty. He really is a good person which is why it's hard for me to believe he would cheat. And I know the other woman, and she said it was messages only. Knowing the other woman is also incredibly embarrassing, I frequently see her when I drop my child off at school functions. And yes, he is either the worlds stupidest drunk or best liar, I can agree with that 100%.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You posted this is January 2013. Why haven't you followed up with it??




I did, he wasn't for awhile, and then started coming back around, we have frequently fought over it. It is difficult because he has been his best friend since childhood, and also comes to his family functions because he is very close with them.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Why is the friend such an issue?

Just tell him either his friend is gone for good or you are! 

But make sure you mean it when you say it.

IF he loves you and wants to keep his marriage then he will be falling over himself to comply with your wishes.

If he won't or tries to find reasons why he can't, then there you have it. You are not in a genuine R.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> he says he regrets putting me in this situation and making me question his loyalty. He really is a good person which is why it's hard for me to believe he would cheat. And I know the other woman, and she said it was messages only. Knowing the other woman is also incredibly embarrassing, I frequently see her when I drop my child off at school functions. * And yes, he is either the worlds stupidest drunk or best liar, I can agree with that 100%.*


Sounds like he's a horrible liar. 

The story with the friend taking his phone doesn't make sense. That's something teenagers do.

And why is the friend still in your and your husband's lives when, according to you, he's the source of the strife you're dealing with? Surely your husband wouldn't want to associate with someone who wrecked his marriage? :scratchhead:


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

I agree, but he says the friend was just drunk and trying to be funny when I bring it up. But I don't really see who the joke was for. However, my biggest issue is just trusting now that it's all come out in the wash. I really do not believe anything is going on now, and still do not trust, and without trust it's not really true happiness, even though other than this incident everything has been great. I focus way too much of my time on this and just want to be happy.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The typical cheater script is that your husband would pull away emotionally and even sexually. As the affair picks up, he would start investing more into that than in the marriage...would get very guarded around phone use and computer use...gets easily offended that you would "question" him...try to find ways to blame you for everything. He probably would have been treating you badly around the time...starting illogical and irrational arguments...and would almost seem to sabotage instances of intimacy...either during a date, or sex, or just quiet, relaxing days. This isn't always the case...but cheaters in the middle of something typically exhibit something where partner instinctively knows something has changed.

Have you observed or experienced any such behaviors a year ago when this came up? How did he handle your discovery? 

Your fears are natural...as this through you for a loop and you want the guarantee of your safety.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> The typical cheater script is that your husband would pull away emotionally and even sexually. As the affair picks up, he would start investing more into that than in the marriage...would get very guarded around phone use and computer use...gets easily offended that you would "question" him...try to find ways to blame you for everything. He probably would have been treating you badly around the time...starting illogical and irrational arguments...and would almost seem to sabotage instances of intimacy...either during a date, or sex, or just quiet, relaxing days. This isn't always the case...but cheaters in the middle of something typically exhibit something where partner instinctively knows something has changed.
> 
> Have you observed or experienced any such behaviors a year ago when this came up? How did he handle your discovery?
> 
> Your fears are natural...as this through you for a loop and you want the guarantee of your safety.



that's just the thing, the marriage was awesome prior to me seeing these conversations, and when I confronted he was shocked. never hides his phone or anything from me. He treats me great then and now, I'm just struggling still. I feel like every female is a threat and am irrational. And I struggle with coping that his response was not to beat his friends face in for compromising our marriage.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> that's just the thing, the marriage was awesome prior to me seeing these conversations, and when I confronted he was shocked. never hides his phone or anything from me. He treats me great then and now, I'm just struggling still. I feel like every female is a threat and am irrational. And I struggle with coping that his response was not to beat his friends face in for compromising our marriage.


Personally, I am leaning in the direction that you husband did not cheat, but that's just me thin-slicing the situation. Still, something like this can really rock your world and shake your security. It is traumatic...and it sounds to me that your husband is not really empathizing with you very well on this...probably because he doesn't think it is worth blowing out of proportion...his friend's stupid, drunk behavior.

Fear and anxiety can produce a lot of irrational emotion...especially when you have been rocked to your foundation. My wife DID have an emotional affair...and on discovery day...it destroyed me...it's like catching an emotional grenade that blows you apart. So, I can understand, even when there is no evident reason to believe he has cheated, the feeling of anxiety, worry, mistrust, and insecurity still linger.

If you can't seem to escape from it...then you can either get extremely serious about finding the truth beyond a shadow of a doubt OR you can perhaps talk to a professional about recovering from your stress and anxiety caused by this incident.

I am sure you are tired of bringing it up to your husband, but perhaps if you can communicate this to him...let him know how that incident still haunts you, and you struggle with it, even now, because it was such a moment of horror for you. While it sounds like you don't want to blame him unnecessarily, you felt unprotected when he didn't address his friend in a way that showed your marriage was worth defending. Talk to him logically and rationally, using "I" statements...men need logic, not usually knowing how to handle raw emotion...and if you say how you felt vs. "you" statements (i.e. you did this wrong..or you always)...this puts people on defensive. Tell him how explicitly how all this affected and currently affects you...and be rational with him concerning solutions, doing your best to honor and respect your husband just as you hope he respects and honors you.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

Thanks FormerSelf, I appreciate the input and will try again to talk about the issue and try to take that approach. I've frequently considered going to counseling, so I may just take that leap as well. And I couldn't really pin point what it was before but the statement of not feeling protected really hit home.


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