# trying to make the right decision.......



## lexysinger (Nov 26, 2008)

ok, here is my story. I married my childhood sweetheart after not seeing eachother for 12 yrs. Looking back on the last 6 yrs and how everything panned out has given me a different perspective of what our marriage and relationship were really based on. We dated for 9months before becoming engaged and then married within a year later. During our engagement, my husband dabbled in some drug use and got out of control. I didn't find out the seriousness of it until 2 months after we were married and it all came to a head. I expressed my thoughts on seperating and me moving to another state. He apologized and we made ammends and moved together. Several months later we starting trying for a baby. I became pregnant and we bought our 1st home. During my pregnancy we were faced with a lot of financial set backs. We also were trying to balance a relationship with his daughter from a previous relationship and still adjusting to being a married couple. You know (lots of disagreements, REALLY big fights and lies, on his part). I had a lot of insecurities about his ex and their relationship and questioned a lot the basis of their relationship. A month after our son was born I ran into a girl that my husband and I use to hang out with around the time we had gotten married. I had heard from a mutual friend, right after we got married, that my husband and this girl had slept together. Of course I confronted him then but he denied the claim. Well I asked her about it and she admitted that it did happen once and they were both high on cocaine. I was floored. Here I was with a newborn and our relationship was already rocky, plus we were loosing our house. I went home confronted him, he denied it again, but I told him I knew the truth already and to go. He finally admitted it and showed his remorse. I was still angry but felt at a lose b/c I did love him and we now had a child together. Shortly after that we ended up loosing our house and moved to another state to stay with his parents. During the next year I dealt with the anger from the infidelity, his continued drug use, the lies and in turn now prison time. He had gotten so far into the drugs that he ended up in prison. During the first several months of being in there, I refused to speak to him and I had filed for a divorce and moved back home. He admitted to me also during that time that he had slept with his ex (his daughters mother) while I was pregnant. I pretty much thought it had happened but he just confirmed it. I was so angry, lost, confused, upset all the emotions in one. I ended up moving back to where we were living and in with his mother for financial help and help with our son. During this past 16 months that he has been in prison I have struggled emotionally from one end of the spectrum to the other. Fighting with myself to stay with him or leave him completely. I did not follow through with the divorce but I also have not acted like we are together either. I found myself crawling back to the core of who I am and that is with God. I started going back to church, singing in the praise and worship team, involving myself in all kinds of activity and seeked counseling. My husband also during these last 15 months has done a 180 change. I know they say everyone finds God in prison but I have seen the works of God in him. We have actually becoming closer as friends than we ever were in our marriage. I have learned more about him than I did during our marriage. I believe his sincerity and remorse for everything that has happened. I know he wants to have his family back. But I am still torn with everything that has happened in the past. I know that all of it was drug related and problems that were never resolved as a child. But I am still torn. I married my husband with the intent and belief of what a marriage meant from God's stand point. I struggle with that everyday and the feelings that you are suppose to forgive. What if he does change when he is out but another 2 yrs is a long time and I just don't think I have the strength to hang onto to something that I just don't know the outcome of. 

So my question is this, Is it possible to 100% forgive someone for their mistakes, b/c we all have made them and continue to make them. Is this what God talks about in his messages?

I just don't know what to do about this situation and I guess I'm just tired of trying to figure it out. It's been 15 months now and the thougtht of another 2 yrs exhausted me of the up and down decision.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Of course you can forgive, but you will never forget. Here is the catch. "Everyone finds God in Prison". That maybe true, but once he is out. What then? There are no drugs in Prison (at least easily attainable)> Once he is out and faced with freedom and temptation what will happen. I feel you must do whatever is neccessary to take care of yourself and your child. My advice would be not to be brought down by someone elses actions. The good news is.....If he truly has found God and stays the course, Awesome things can happen. Pray, trust God and you won't go wrong. Keep it up. It sound like you are on the right track. Hopefully, you will find peace. Take care of yourself and your child and everything else will fall into place.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have to say when I read the first half of your post my only thought was move on and don't look back, but you must be one of strong character to be considering a future with him. He has certainly done enough in the past to warrant you moving on, just my opinion, but he failed to honor you and your marriage on many levels and I do not think it's your moral duty to stick by him at this point. 

As far as forgiveness goes, yes you can forgive, he is human and made some terrible mistakes. Recognizing that and forgiving will bring you peace of mind. I would imagine his time in prison has given him time to think about his life and reflect, so he could very well be a changed man, but there are no guarantees when he is out, that he will resist temptation as there are sure to be many difficult adjustments and setbacks when trying to re-establish himself.

If it were me, I'd move on. When he is out, you will most likely be in contact due to your child and you can see how you feel at that point. But this is obviously a decision only you can make so I hope you are able to come to a point where you find peace in whatever you decide.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I believe it is possible to forgive some one 100% for past errors. Your strong faith should assist you in this. But forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. The question is should you hang on to this man. Can he truly change to be the kind of man you seek and deserve? I cannot vouch for him nor condemn him, but his track record is very poor. He has risked all he has in his finances, his family and ultimately his freedom for the sake of drugs. He has proved untrustworthy and unfaithful. Will he return from prison rehabilitated or more screwed up then when he went in? No one can really say. The ultimate decision is yours as you know him best. For this decision you will need to rely on your head and your heart. Use your faith to help guide you and visit with your clergyman. Talk to the officials at the prison to find out what kind of man he is inside. Take a little time to make this decision. If you elect to stay then stand by that until he ultimately proves you right or wrong. If you elect to move on, cut all the ties you can including living with his mother and move forward. Raise you child and find some one who can love and respect you as you should be. Good luck.


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