# Marriage = Team; Team = Marriage...ADVICE NEEDED!



## polkadotz (Jan 28, 2011)

What would you do if this happened in your marriage?
A marriage is supposed to be about teamwork - 2 people working towards a specific goal or goals. When discussing finances, what would you do, if you've talked to your spouse about not spending a certain amount of money on something, they agree to look elsewhere and compare prices, but then go behind your back to their mother, and she gives in?

My situation: We just had a baby - she's 4 weeks old. We are tighter now on finances, prior to her being born. My husband needed new steel-toe work boots. He gets a partial reimbursement from his employer. He found ones he wanted at Shoe Carnival, for $50. This was on TUESDAY. I looked at both Target and Walmart, and found a couple more inexpensive ones than the ones "he really wanted from Shoe Carnival" = they cost $50! The ones I found at the other two places ran about $20 each - both had lifetime warranties on them. We discussed that the other $30 could be put towards something better: filling the gas tank, getting a couple pkgs of diapers, or going towards one of our bills! This morning (FRIDAY), I get up and look in the kitchen, and he'd gone to Shoe Carnival and gotten the expensive boots, behind my back! I asked him whether or not he even went to either of the other places I mentioned, and he just got quiet (that always means "NO"). He started stammering - well my mom gave me the money to go get the ones I wanted. 

Here's why I am upset: I feel he went behind my back, didn't even mention our discussion with his mom, and why saving money is more important now that we have a child. Instead, I feel like he just threw out our discussion of financial obligations, and went "crying to mommy", and she basically gave into his whim of what he wants.

Now, WHAT WOULD YOU DO, or HOW WOULD YOU REACT? Advice?

Oh, and just a small extra here: I'm NOT trying to be his mommy - i didn't marry him to be his mommy. I just want him to be honest about things - I feel that him going behind my back, beggin his mom for help (which happens more than not) on everything, whether it be for his shoes, or for our shared cell phone bill...we both work, we have a shared bank acct, yet, every month, we end up short, because of his spending and then me later finding out about it...and then he has to go to his mom for help! 

I'm happy that his mom offered to buy him shoes...but i feel like anytime something comes up, he goes to his mom, and usually behind my back...i end up finding out about it later...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If I am being honest, I wouldn't really care LOL. If my husband's mom gave him the money for something like that, I would just assume she wanted him to have the shoes he wanted. My MIL bought my husband a grill before, and I thought it was great that she wanted him to have something that he liked! I know having kids is costful and stressful, but are you just upset because he didn't do exactly what YOU wanted? ( I don't mean this in a hurtful way, just in a curious way). 

I am a firm believer that my H and I should both still have things we want, even though we have two kids. They never go without, we have a set amount tha goes into savings each month, and are both pretty open to talking about expenditures. When it comes to work boots, my H gets what he wants because he has to wear them. He is working, he needs shoes that he is comfortable in and that he likes. I am a student, he makes sure I have the clothes and running shoes for the gym that I like. That's just us though.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ok, the topic was the boots...the ISSUE is him going behind your back, and not being responsible about money..is that right? 

In his defense...my SO has to wear steel-toed boots as well, with partial company reimbusement. He gets the good ones. Each and every time. He's tried the less expensive ones, and they just don't handle the job well enough. He's on his feet all day, on concrete floors, and the others aren't as comfortable over the long run. It's his feet and his back (hurting feet make your back hurt) so I say NOTHING. It might have helped if you had discussed with him WHY he felt he needed the more expensive boots.

That might be a good idea for ANY expenditure. WHY does he feel he needs this or that? What would be a good compromise? He's going to keep going to his mother if you can't talk openly and honestly and listen to his side. He's clamming up b/c he likely feels he can't get through to you, and vice-versa. 

You need to sit down and work out a budget. Figure in ALL expenditures, including "fun" money. Get him to agree to it, and make him sign it. Then he can't claim ignorance if he steps outside of the budget. But something tells me there's more to his running to his mother than meets the eye, and your feelings about it.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree with the posters here. . .there are some things that I have learned to be brand loyal on:

1. Kingsford Charcoal. If you all want to buy the cheap charcoal and stand around at a grill in the park and wait 1.5 horus for 1/5th of the charcoal to turn white, by all means, that is your right. It's worth the extra $2.00 to me.

2. Jockey underwear briefs, colored. If you want me to take off my clothes before we get busy and see me in Froot of the Looms, well, you really have no taste. It's worht the extra $2.00 to me.

3. Hellman's Mayo. It's worth the extra $1.50 for a jar to make tuna salad with.

4. Landau Scrubs for work. They cost about $30.00 for bottoms and tops whereas some bottoms and tops cost $17.00. But you know what? I wore them for 3-4 years before they wore out. Add to that, Landau has pants that have a drawstring + elastic so when I am CAT scanning a patient, my drawers don't drop to the floor.

These little things mean a lot in healthcare - not flashing a lady with a kidney stone.

I am sure there are others. My ex-wife was brand loyal to Tide. Never could figure that out. . .detergent is detergent to me, but I bought it on her request. What was the matter with ERA and Arm and Hammer, not sure. . .but. . .

There is such a thing as "value" vs. "price."

I would cut your husband some slack. It's not like he's a woman and wears 54 pairs of different cheap shoes that she got on an impulse at Casual Corner. 

He's entitled to one good pair of work boots.

Sorry if this doesn't support your essay and exposition on marriage being a "team."


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## polkadotz (Jan 28, 2011)

"Ok, the topic was the boots...the ISSUE is him going behind your back, and not being responsible about money..is that right?"

The ISSUE is him going behind my back...if some of you want, I can bring up OTHER TOPICS similar to him going behind my back. I could've brought up the topic that I'm a wedding and portrait photographer, and in 2010, he went on a shoot with me, to help me out. He ended up dropping two of my lenses, causing them to break. Camera lenses are not cheap. I had to buy two new lenses. We talked about it beforehand, and agreed that I would save up money for each one, which I did. However, when I made each purchase, he royally griped me out for doing so, saying the money could have been put towards a bill, or something else. How many of you would've sided with him on *that topic*? And who would've agreed that we talked about it beforehand, and made a decision, but he went against that when it came down to it?

Or I could bring up the topic of him loaning out our rent money to a co-worker. We heavily discussed it several days beforehand, and decided we'd rather stay in our home vs. have to move due to lack of rent pymt. I learned the hard way, by communication with my landlord, that he hadn't received the rent on time. I learned that my husband went behind my back, and went ahead and lent our rent to his co-worker. This co-worker never paid him back, and a couple days after loaning it to him, the guy quit. This is yet another time, that my husband had to go to his mom for help. Totally different than the topic at hand, some of you might say, but I feel it's amongst the same issue. He went behind my back, and never mentioned that we discussed it beforehand. Who's side would you've agreed with more?

I don't own umpteen pairs of shoes, or dozens of bottles of perfume, or a bunch of clothes. I came from a family where we didn't have much, so what I do have, I take care of and treasure. I will say that he's very hard on shoes (not just his work shoes) and his nicer clothes (my mother bought him a super nice wool sweater for his birthday last year & upon him doing laundry, he threw it in the wash machine [after i told him he couldn't do that, like the rest of his clothes] AND the dryer - it ended up ruining the pricey sweater my mom got him...of course he ended up putting the blame on me, stating that the wife is supposed to do the laundry, not the husband! That's a whole 'nother argument there..).

The issue here is that when it comes to spending money on things, after we've discussed it, he goes ahead, BEHIND my back and does it anyways. However, this time he didn't spend OUR money (as we're married, we share the bank account = both our checks go into it). Thank you to his mom for offering to purchase. But his mom and I (we are close) talked this morning on the topic, and she mentioned that he never even answered her when she asked how I felt about it, or would he rather use the money elsewhere? What I'm trying to say, is she asked him what we had discussed, and he didn't even mention that we talked about it. In this, I felt that our discussion didn't even matter - obviously, otherwise he would've told his mom that we talked about it, instead of making me feel like he lied.

Again, I'm left feeling that my concerns don't matter. I feel like this teamwork thing isn't working. I am left feeling that we communicate and decide things, and then when my back is turned, he makes a 360* decision all together. And please, it's NOT a control issue. I've been controlled in my past, with my EH...I know how it feels, and I would never try to control my husband. I don't think this is how a marriage is supposed to be. For the men out there - I'm sure if HE was on here stating that it was his WIFE going behind his back, many would state things like "that's a woman for ya" or something similar...however, for some reason, when I bring up such issues, I get comments that I'm trying to be his mommy, and trying to control him. ???


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sitting here trying to figure out why you are so angry at people here. You gave us all a scenario, and now you seem pissed that we all didn't jump up and down and scream "What an a**" with you. If you are here to get people on your "side" you are here for the wrong reasons.

I agree that going behind your back after talking about issues and doing the opposite is not right. Running to his mom for money isn't right. BUT you need to calm down. Sit down and think. Who does the majority of the talking about finances? Do you truly listen to his opinions and suggestions, or do you brush them off and come up with a plan of your own, and expect him to go with your plan? (honest question, that can happen when you are in charge of the finances sometimes)


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Personally, I would have purchased a $100 pair of boots like I do about once a year. I have to wear them, I'm on my feet for 12 hours a day and I am going to have the decent boots.
maybe he figured it would be easier to get the boots and apologize than fight and end up getting the boots anyway.

Let it go. It's a piece of safety gear that he needs.

BTW, Walmart has really crappy safety shoes.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Treat your husband like a Man, and he will act like a Man.


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## polkadotz (Jan 28, 2011)

again, the *issue* is him going behind my back. Yes, i'm the one who is mainly in charge of finances...HE made that decision and said it would be best if i were in charge of our finances, after we were married. 

I brought up a topic, which could've been something other than the boots, but i brought it up because it's recent.

The issue is that we discuss and come up with a plan, but once my back is turned, he comes up with a whole new plan himself. I'll treat him like a man, when he stops acting like a teenage boy. Do you honestly think loaning out rent money, after it was decided that it was a bad idea & would put us into jeopardy, is acting like a grown man?

I'm happy his mom got him good boots, but the fact that he made a decision and the totally forwent it, shows immaturity to me...and other people.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Telling him what he can or cannot spend money on is treating him like a child. What you refer to as a "plan" is merely your will imposed upon him. Hold him accountable for "providing" and making good decisions by pointing out choices. When he makes a good choice, show him admiration and when he makes a bad choice give him some consequences.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

polkadotz said:


> again, the *issue* is him going behind my back. Yes, i'm the one who is mainly in charge of finances...HE made that decision and said it would be best if i were in charge of our finances, after we were married.
> 
> Again, stop getting defensive. I am not acusing you of anything here. You are in charge of the finances. Okay, no problem. I am in charge of our finances as well. SOMETIMES when you are making a financial decision together, the person most involved with the finances simply decides without realizing they aren't listening to their partners views. It happens. I have done it before.
> 
> ...


Just as you can show people who would agree with you, I am sure he can find some to agree with him. The point isn't to find out who is right, its to find out how to stop the problem and the behavior that is coming between you two, isn't it?


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## polkadotz (Jan 28, 2011)

Yeah, I'll just let him do whatever he wants to with BOTH our hard earned income...

If he wants to loan out our rent money to someone he barely knows, fine...we can end up being evicted for non-payment. I'll let him make the big financial decisions, and I'll just do my thing. I'll let him be the adult, since I'm being made to feel by some on here, that I'm not doing so. He's already shown that he can't make payments for rent, car pymts, and bills - and has spent it on frivilous things. I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE BOOTS - I think I've already made it quite clear I'm happy that his mom got him the boots.

When bill collectors start calling us up, I'll hand it over to him and let him "be the man he is"... No. I don't trust his decisions, based on what he's shown in the past.

Trying to work towards something we both agree on...well, I obviously can't agree, because then i'm "controlling him"...

So my decision: I'll let him be in charge of everything, because obviously the woman should have no say...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am starting to think this has less and less to do with finances and more to do with you guys having other issues in the marriage as well. 

I also haven't read anything that said you shouldn't have a say in the money. But I have read several posts that say he should have a say ALSO.

You aren't going to get anywhere until you stop overreacting.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The first post was about boots and not rent money. His mother enabled him and still does. This is why he is a child. I think the only solution is to make sure you do not set up a parent child relationship with him over money. This will never break him of his childlike behavior.


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## polkadotz (Jan 28, 2011)

I brought up the topic of rent money, to show that he has this problem with other topics, other than the boots. And I found out just 5 minutes ago, that he lied about who bought the boots. Looked at our bank account today, to pay on bills, and there's a charge right there, plain and clear - he used our money for a purchase. So not only did we both decide on a plan, to have him turn around, lie about it and then purchase the boots himself.

I feel like my hands are tied. I feel lied to not only by my husband, but by his mother as well. This is a first with his mom.

I'm not sure what to think or do now...just let him get away with it?

I'm tired of even discussing it with this forum, because I'm being made out to be the bad guy here. So I'll just let him do what he wants. I guess I just married myself into a family of liars.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I understand why you're upset. My ex did the same kind of stuff, he bought things without discussing it w/me first, and then afterward came to me and said, "Is it ok that I did this?" He actually went out and bought a 25000 car w/a $500 car payment without telling me! I came home and it was parked in the driveway. I was shocked. But it was like he expected me to yell at him or something. I felt like you, I used to say to myself, I'm not his mommy. So I would tell him, well you bought the car, you go to work every day, if you want to pay for it that's on you. I made it clear that I would not be helping him with the car payments, and that if the car made him happy so be it. (I mean, he didn't ask me anyway!)

The thing is, I lost respect for my husband because of the financial choices he made while we were married. He wanted to go on lavish vacations every year on credit. He didn't know how to save. He thought it was ok to float checks every once in a while. (Yikes!) He'd spend money on gym equipment and supplements but then not use the program. Like a kid.

I thought I was the better financial manager - I was debt-free when we married, and I didn't respect him at all when it came to finances. If you're anything like me, maybe a lack of respect for him is what's behind your emotions over this.

Partly the point of view is, his Mom gave him $50.00. Really, that's between him and his Mom. If she still wants to give him money, it's not taking anything away from your household. Just chill out on that is my advice. If she wants to give him a weekly allowance, let her! It's her money and it's her son.

But I think the deeper issue is that your husband is not fitting the image of what you want him to be. Yes, it's scary when your partner in life makes irresponsible choices with money. But there are ways around that if you really want things to work. Have separate bank accounts. Then you won't have to worry if he screws up with the rent money. Have him pay certain bills, and then the rest of the money is his to spend. 

Just keep in mind that your husband is who he is. He is already grown and you can't change him, and nagging and being upset will drive him away. So accept him as he is and find a way to work around the things you don't like. Or get a divorce. 

Just my two cents.  Good luck!


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

About his shoes, let that go. Since it is for work, he really should pay the higher price for the better shoes. There was time when my husband and I were short on money but he still went ahead and bought the $100+ shoes because he stands all day and I'd rather he stand in comfy shoes than in pain. Plus, those shoes lasts him a long time.

About lying. Not good. I think every time he promises one thing and does something else, instead of getting angry at him, try sitting down and talk about it. I know it would be hard. I've had my share but it really does work. Say, "Okay, we agreed to plan A but you didn't come through, let's try plan B. And, have something for plan C, like if B doesn't work then C is I am in charge of all finances and if you ask your mom for money, we will go to counseling..." something like that with an ultimatum. 

I totally understand your anger. You've gotten to the point where you don't know what to do anymore (based on your other previous situations). We only know a few incidents and we're judging you on that (and maybe inaccurately too) but you've lived through probably quite a few and you would know what the best ultimatums are. What are a few things you're willing to do to fix this problem? [1. Talk and plan, 2. Counseling, 3. Take control of all the money, 4. Talk to his Mom and tell her not to give him money, etc.]

When husband and I were tight on money a long time ago, I got down on him for spending our very last dime. I got really down and hurt his feelings. Now that we are doing well, he still asks me if he can go to Office Max to buy rubberbands or a soda or something....LOL. It's too cute. I need to tell him he doesn't have to tell me these things because I really don't care. But, I also think he's telling just in case I wonder why he's not home from work yet.

...and way before that, when we first just married, he bought himself a work truck. He brought it home and asked me to put the down on it 'cause I had some money saved and he had nothing. I realized it was for work so I paid the down but yeah, I was bit upset that he didn't ask for my opinion first.


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## mc75 (Jan 23, 2011)

Might I suggest going to a financial advisor to come up with a plan/budget? While he may not want to go to a "counselor," if you are not making ends meet each a month he may see the wisdom in going to a financial advisor and listen to what they have to say.

From your examples, he foolishly loaned money (that you didn't have to spare) to a deadbeat co-worker (lesson learned), bought boots he needed for work ... so it doesn't sound as if he is gambling, paying for addictions, luxuries, etc. 

So while there seems to be a money issue, it seems like one that can be resolved and shouldn't come between you.

Perhaps there is a control issue ... if you keep all your money together now, perhaps when you create a budget, you can agree to a certain amount he can put in his own account and then save up or use for his things.


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