# Need some advice



## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Not sure where to start...
2 weeks ago, I overheard my husband having a phone conversation with another woman. Basically, heard him tell her to "call him as soon as she got into their building", "need to see you". When I asked him about this, first he denied then lied about who he was speaking too. Later sent me an e-mail saying it was someone who worked in his building and they were just friends. Said he is a very social person, work circumstances afford people the opportunity to become friends sometimes having drinks, sharing maritial woes, etc. 
When he came home and I said I couldn't get the call out of my head, he basically blindsided me telling me that although that is not an issue and they are only friends and have "never crossed the line" he is unhappy in our marriage and had contacted a lawyer who is a personal friend for advice. Would not discuss the call any further, but pretty much told me that I am the reason for the marriage problems. 
I feel emotionally beaten up. I love my husband and he says he loves me but I need to change or he would rather split up.
I agree that we have become a bit distant but never thought it was this bad.
Should I be worried about the call?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Brandiluv said:


> Not sure where to start...
> 2 weeks ago, I overheard my husband having a phone conversation with another woman. Basically, heard him tell her to "call him as soon as she got into their building", "need to see you". When I asked him about this, first he denied then lied about who he was speaking too. Later sent me an e-mail saying it was someone who worked in his building and they were just friends. Said he is a very social person, work circumstances afford people the opportunity to become friends sometimes having drinks, sharing maritial woes, etc.
> When he came home and I said I couldn't get the call out of my head, he basically blindsided me telling me that although that is not an issue and they are only friends and have "never crossed the line" he is unhappy in our marriage and had contacted a lawyer who is a personal friend for advice. Would not discuss the call any further, but pretty much told me that I am the reason for the marriage problems.
> I feel emotionally beaten up. I love my husband and he says he loves me but I need to change or he would rather split up.
> ...


Yes. You should try to investigate further because (although he denies it) it sounds like he is having an affair with her. Further, he is blaming the problems in the marriage on you - which is a further clue he is cheating.

You might want to read some threads in the CWI (Coping with Infidelity) section here. You see, once a cheater gets involved in an affair they deny, blame shift, trickle truth, gas light and a number of other clues and deceptions that indicate that you are not the problem in the marriage.

Please don't blame yourself. If you want to save your marriage, you need more information about the OW (Other Woman). You need to keep your cool and look out for yourself first and foremost. And please don't let him blame you. It is not your fault.


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Thanks...in my heart I want to believe him. Very difficult knowing that this woman works in his building. He works late hours and tells me his is with coworkers (men) most nights for dinner, etc but sometimes they will all meet up with people in the building. Says he has worked there for 12 years, so friendships have developed. Again, just blindsided by his reacation. Still won't discuss saying it is not an issue. I am trying my hardest to improve on what he says are our issues. Not seeing much return on his end, but again he feels I am the one to blame. My heart is breaking and am physically ill at times. I mentioned counseling, but he doesn't want to go. Again, saying he is unhappy and not willing to go on like this unless I change.
I stay at home to care for our 1 year old grandson. His job requires much travel, so I am home alone most evenings. 
Just not sure where to turn next...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Has he communicated to you what the issues are or what problems he has with you?

As far as his "female" friend. Do you guys have a boundary of no opposite sex friends?

How would he feel if you had a friendship with a male and did the things he is doing? I would ask him....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like something is up.

"Need to see you" is a pretty big statement to make to someone and the hiding the call and then getting mad at you, shutting you down/not discussing it and the biggest indication; telling you he is unhappy and spoke to a lawyer.

Definitely sounds like it could be an affair.


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

The issue of opposite sex friends has never come up until now. Although he has strongly objected to my being on Facebook. Said he has heard of many people "reconnecting" with past boyfriends. 
As far as issues, we have been married 33 years. In some ways have distanced, but I always felt not unlike most people at this stage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Brandiluv said:


> The issue of opposite sex friends has never come up until now.


Sounds like boundaries need to be set. If not, start hanging around men to give him little taste of his own shieeeeet.



Brandiluv said:


> Although he has strongly objected to my being on Facebook. Said he has heard of many people "reconnecting" with past boyfriends.


Well, he has a point there....one could say. Facebook is an easy way for random people you might know, but play no part in your life to get hold of you and who knows what.

It's no different than going to high school reunion. You get to meet people you don't care about/that haven't been part of your life.



Brandiluv said:


> As far as issues, we have been married 33 years. In some ways have distanced, but I always felt not unlike most people at this stage.


Something is up with him, open lines of communication and start talking to him (nicely/with smile/no anger etc).


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Thank you. I will try to open up lines of communication. I do keep getting very mixed signals. One minute saying he is unhappy and I must change, next asking if I want to plan a vacation in the fall. I feel as though I am on some sort of probation. I do desparately want things to work out and make him happy, however I don't want to loose sight of myself or my happiness


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When was the last time you really rocked his world in the bedroom?


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Hmmm - maybe isn't as good as it used to be. But - takes 2 doesn't it? Again, willing to work on anything/everything to save this marriage. I love him and truly believe he loves me. Praying it's not too late


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sure, it takes two. And when HE comes on here, I'll confront HIM about intimacy. But while you're here, humor me. Have you two been having sex on a regular (3x a week) basis?


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

No, haven't on a regular basis in a while


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So to sum it all up, you haven't been having sex with your husband. Eventually he started sniffing around another woman and finally he's not happy and wants to split. One thing kind of leads to another over and over here doesn't it? It's kind of a road map for breaking up. 



Brandiluv said:


> Hmmm - maybe isn't as good as it used to be. But - takes 2 doesn't it? Again, willing to work on anything/everything to save this marriage. I love him and truly believe he loves me. Praying it's not too late


Now here you say you're willing to work on anything/everything. This is where we find out if your actions match your words. How will he respond if you try to put the moves on him? The answer is you don't know because you haven't tried. But if your actions match your words, then you'll know by tomorrow....


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Wow - wondering why all the blame is on me? How dare you assume that I haven't tried. I came on here for some support and advice - not to be bashed by a man who doesn't know me, my husband or the whole story.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Brandiluv said:


> Wow - wondering why all the blame is on me? How dare you assume that I haven't tried. I came on here for some support and advice - not to be bashed by a man who doesn't know me, my husband or the whole story.


Wow is right. And you say your husband isn't happy? How could that be with this attitude? By the way, I'm not bashing you. If you opened up a little you'd see that. And number 2, I know all of the story that you've told us. You're asking for advise and getting it based on what you HAVE said. If I don't know the whole story then that is your fault now isn't it?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sheesh WOM, give her a break.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sheesh WOM, give her a break.



Sorry. I don't mind being attacked but she came here seeking advise and only giving snippets of information. So I ask questions to try to fill in the blanks and she comes back with a huge defensive attitude blaming me for her not telling the whole story. So I feel like I have to defend myself.


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Thank you...
As you can prob tell this is very new to me. I am hurting and didn't know where to turn. Since my husband has put total blame on me, it was difficult to find someone here doing the same. We have been married 33 years. Yes, there have been struggles, difficult times but I didn't think any more than most couples at this stage. My husband works very long hours and also does a lot of business related travel. I stay at home and watch our 1 year old grand child ( was formally an elementary teacher). I spend most nights home alone due to the nature of his work. That being said, I have never had a trust issue until now. Ask away and I will try to open up and answer...


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Please - just looking to talk to someone...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi,

We want to help.

You've been married a long time. Divorce must seem unthinkable.

If your husband has been cheating, are you willing to risk your marriage to save it?

First, can you get phone bill to see how much he has been talking to this woman on his cell?

Also, once you have her number you can find out who she is and where she lives. If she is married, you can alert her husband.

Step one get the phone bill. Also, do you know your husband's email password? Facebook?

What has caused you to drift apart?

How many children do you have? How old are they?

(Working on me is a nice guy and he wanted to get straight into heavy analysis but he means well. He'll come up with some good ideas for you. I'll put a Franklin on it.)


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Can't do the phone bill thing. He has a work issued cell phone and all bills go directly to the company. I don't know his passwords. We have 2 children, both married, one has a child that I watch


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry. I don't mind being attacked but she came here seeking advise and only giving snippets of information. So I ask questions to try to fill in the blanks and she comes back with a huge defensive attitude blaming me for her not telling the whole story. So I feel like I have to defend myself.


Her "huge defensive attitude" is not at you personally, it is because her husband may be currently having an affair and/or her marriage may be over and she is frightened. Your points are valid but she can't "hear" them the way you'd delivered them without getting defensive. She is in a really bad place. I personally can't even imagine how badly I would be hurt and how afraid I'd be if I just found out my H may be leaving me and screwing someone else all in one conversation.



Brandiluv, I hope you do understand what WOM meant, though. There is likely a LOT of work for you and your H to do in your marriage to get it back on track.


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Yes, want to do anything to save my marriage. How do you get the trust back?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It will take a lot of work and you will both have to own up to your contributions to the marriage problems. I suggest you start by finding out if he really is a having an A or not...even if that means hiring a PI.

In the meantime, read books like Surviving an Affair.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Business travel, being gone all the time and apart must be very difficult. Even with a long marriage, which to me implies that it must have been strong at some point, being away from each other makes it tough. As for the possible affair, the things he's saying imply that he's in what we all call "the fog". His thinking is clouded, his memories of married life, etc... All because this other woman is around. You need to get to the bottom of it, start snooping.

A lot of people around here are more experienced with this and can point you in the right direction. In a nutshell, you need to find the truth, find proof and then expose.


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

OK - definitely want/need to find out. He is still denying. Says they are only friends...how do I bring it up to him again with out being confrontational? For instance, sometimes there are meetings where he works which require overnight stays. She works in the same building (dif company), but he did say that many of the groups have gone out for drinks. Apparently that's where they became friends. Saw each other in the building over the years. Now, when he is staying in town there (last night and tonight) I have to wonder...If I even bring it up he tells me "don't go there, nothing is going on". 
I want to trust him and always have until 2 weeks ago. I do know that he does need to be there for these meetings when people are in from out of town.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Brandi,

Do not confront him yet or he will likely go underground. You think it is difficult to find out what is going on now? It will only get worse if you start asking questions he is only going to deny.

I would suggest you get a Voice Activated Recorder and attach it with velcro under his car seat. I know you will think this is over the top but many of the suggestions you will get her will seem that way...............for the time being. You can look at some of Weightlifters posts regarding surveillance and that is all you will likely need.

If he has a PC you can put a key logger on it to monitor his activity. Do not be timid about this but be vigilant and calm and start working on your relationship as nothing is going on until you can prove without a doubt that there is.

Be strong, rely on the folks here and listen to them because although we may sound like a jaded group there are some good reasons behind that and some sound advice to help you when times are challenging.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Go down to the CWI section and make a post there and get advice on how to proceed.

And brace yourself because this looks like an affair and if you dig him directly he might bolt. Sadly that is what a lot of people do when they are in the fog....again, go to CWI and get advice.


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## Brandiluv (May 7, 2014)

Thank you. 
In my heart I truly don't believe he has crossed the line - yet.
I will consider all of your advice, but I am not ready to hire a PI or secretly tape him in the car. He has assured me that he is and has always been faithful and I must believe him. We have much to work on and are proceeding to do just that. Almost like falling in love again. We know that things won't happen overnight, but are willing to do what it takes. Hope I am not being unrealistic, but I need to believe we will be happy again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brandiluv said:


> When he came home and I said I couldn't get the call out of my head, he basically blindsided me telling me that although that is not an issue and they are only friends and have "never crossed the line" he is unhappy in our marriage and had contacted a lawyer who is a personal friend for advice. Would not discuss the call any further, but pretty much told me that I am the reason for the marriage problems.


Wow, he's good! In half a day, he managed to turn his entire cheating around on you and shut you up by threatening to divorce you if you don't drop it.

Classy guy you got there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brandiluv said:


> Yes, want to do anything to save my marriage. How do you get the trust back?


By taking his money and hiring a GOOD private investigator, getting the proof of his cheating, visiting a lawyer to get your paperwork in order (and get a copy to hand him), then waiting for him to get home. You then hand him the pictures of him and his floozy, hand him the divorce papers, and say 'Her or me; you have 2 minutes.'

Please please please believe me when I say we KNOW what will work and what won't. The ONLY hope you have left of saving this marriage from his cheating (yes, he's cheating) is to move swiftly and forcefully and show him you will NOT allow him to eat cake (have both of you). He never wanted to leave you; he said that because he had to get you back in line so he could continue with the cake. Cheating men usually want to have BOTH WOMEN.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brandiluv said:


> Thank you.
> In my heart I truly don't believe he has crossed the line - yet.
> I will consider all of your advice, but I am not ready to hire a PI or secretly tape him in the car.


Why? He is treating you like a fool. Are you going to accept that role?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Brandiluv said:


> Thank you.
> In my heart I truly don't believe he has crossed the line - yet.
> I will consider all of your advice, but I am not ready to hire a PI or secretly tape him in the car. He has assured me that he is and has always been faithful and I must believe him. We have much to work on and are proceeding to do just that. Almost like falling in love again. We know that things won't happen overnight, but are willing to do what it takes. Hope I am not being unrealistic, but I need to believe we will be happy again.


decide whats a deal breaker. I mean if you chught him cheating is that enough to end things.

by what you posted about the over heard call and his trying to cover it up and then his talk about a lawyer. all that coupled with the travel and time apart etc. I would say there is a very good chance he is and has been cheating for awhile.

don't confront gather evidence snoop start getting your ducks in a row plan as if your marriage might end. 

own your side of the marital problems. and identify his side of the marital problems. try having a talk about what you both can do to try to reconnect. you can leed a horse to watter but you can't make him drink if he act indifferent then you have to decide if you can carry all the convincing to make your marriage better.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

It is almost summer but the fog continues to roll in.


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