# The story I could not tell her...........



## BigGuysmallHaert (Jul 13, 2010)

(I am no writer, english is not my first language. I am just a guy's guy. Read or don't. Makes no difference.) 
Chapter 1:
I met her when she was 19; I was 21 – I just finished my military career. She was my flower, my strength and my best friend. We would walk on beaches holding hands with butterflies milling in our stomachs. When we sat down at a table and touch each other’s fingers, my hand would start trembling. I did not understand the feeling - I did not know how to deal with this overpowering sense of completeness and utter sense of - "world, I now own you". When we kissed I was completely and utterly taken off my feet - how about that from a guy. When we softly kissed I shivered and my hair up my back and neck stood up. When I held her, just before our lips touch – I can feel her breath on my face, her smell. It was magical. It felt so right, it felt so true! I fell in love. No showing off, no Marilyn Monroe moments. The whole situation was just genuinely freaky. So naturally true! I did not get it – but I never wanted to let go!! I wanted this to carry on for as long as it could, if I could I would most probably try to elope to an uninhabited island, with no people, just to take time to savor the moment, the enormous bubbling feeling of butterflies and emotions not felt before – these amazingly new feelings – I thought if I could shower her with the same love equal to my emotions that she would maybe have an idea of how I felt. I never knew exactly what she felt – but what I did know was that she responded, she responded to my feelings, to my emotions, to what I wanted, and to what she wanted. We could sit over a glass of wine – or nothing - and chat for hours, when I took her home; her folks could not understand that after seeing each other for 10 hours that we could still talk on the phone for another 2 hours. We had so much to share, so much to tell – trusted in each other’s feelings for each other. The trust grew – I could not imagine my day without her. I could not imagine not seeing her for a full day. When we did not see each other for a day we would jump into each other’s arms and caress and hold each other with joy as to how we missed each other. I wanted to share her with the rest of the world and I wanted her to share the world with me.
Fleeting moments spark past with pictures of her face, her smell, her soft skin, the feel of her hair against my face! I am the luckiest man alive - how did I get to be so lucky. She was more than just a lady. The way she carried herself with pride and the "no shame" attitude of I don’t owe this world anything - the world owes me - spinned of on me. I was the proudest and most complete man in my circle of friends. If other guys looked at her I would think; - yea - you're right - she is damn hot - and intellectual at that - so whose got the last laugh buddy! Enjoy – because you can only enjoy the picture and memory of her. She is mine! I know men look at her, which made me proud and jealous at the same time. It did not bother me as at the end of the day she came home with me. And maybe I should have been more aware – I don’t know.
I was swept into this make believe world that society creates - being young - of a true prince / princess wedding. I was brought up believing that true love exists and it goes – you meet the love of your life and then you live happily ever after in your castle you create. How wrong, how naive to think. How childish – in a sense – but I choose to believe as a child. I choose to believe that all I ever wanted from my life partner, was that that person would accept me as I am, with all my faults and love me day to day like the 1st time she met me. All I wanted to do was to love her day in day out and share my feelings, my hopes, my everything to complete and enjoy what little life one has. I wanted to share this vision, this feeling and picture with the rest of the world. I wanted to show people that although I am naive, childish in thought of how a marriage would be that there is a “prince and princess” world out there. In a world where people divorce about the littlest things I chose to ignore all ingredients that might possibly be the results of a divorce. I told myself that the day the wedding band goes on is the day that the word “divorce” is null and void in my vocabulary. I wanted us to be one so badly and then to take on the world. Just us, no one else, no one would ever be able to break us apart!
The 1st & only time I proposed I sang her a song in "our" bar. A quaint little bar that is more suited for a romantic dinner out. I sang with tears in my eyes, although I must admit I had a drink or two. But I knew exactly what I did at the time. The feeling, the burden of asking was the greatest test of my strength - as I was not ready to be declined. She did not hesitate, she did not give it a thought - she immediately said yes, - then another emotional door opened - how do you deal with all this "stuff - all this “pretty” emotional “stuff" that a guy is not used to? I must admit that I kinda liked it! It made me feel special, it made me feel wanted - in someone else’s eyes I was not the just another guy. I was the man for her. She chose me! I battled to understand how woman make their choices of men and decided it best to let the "chemical" thing do the rest. 
So – we got married. It felt like the right thing to do. We both did. We wanted this - the feeling was mutual. We both wanted more from life, more from the marriage and we continued like I thought would be the average happily married couple. WOW – I am now the man. I now, don’t have a worry in the world – she is mine, and no one else will take her away. We could now continue to build our life, experience life together without a care in the world. We focused on our careers, we travelled, and we had wonderful moments of dining and wining our friends. I could look across the floor and our eyes would meet and I would know exactly what is going through her mind, whether she was sad, happy, and or just doing the girly talk. I read her like a map. She was my flower I that I shared with friends and colleagues. How naive to think you could own a living human being with emotions and then try control what is not yours to control. How stupid to think that I was under the illusion of grandeur. I had no idea what was going to happen.
After being married for 10 years I still have the same feelings I do as the 1st time we met. She was still my everything, my flower, my partner – my absolute everything. How do you get to such a point where you unequivocally trust someone like this? I shared with her my private intimate feelings and thoughts, things only I wanted her to know – she was special, she had a knack of listening, she had a knack of taking information and deciphering between realistic and idealistic. She could then make sense and tell me what her thoughts were. Her friends would talk to her about their personal issues and she would take this information and talk to her friends about her point of view on the matter. She would care and listen to her friends and be there as a friend, knowing how hard it is too find true – genuine friends. She would also listen to her colleagues; her colleagues at work would discuss their life issues with her. I found it difficult at first but gave it great thought as to how she could interact and share personal issues between colleagues - and most were men. I understand the gift she has and understand the help she could and can give. By just being an ear you tend to give what is needed at the time. I trusted her judgement call. I trusted that there would not be more in it than just the mere friendships. The first time she told me about a friend who thought he was in love with her for being there at the time and the idea behind it – where it was suppose to be an ear, I was devastated. I felt gutted and did not quite know how to handle this – “invader”?! I decided to not talk about it but move along and felt assured that my love, my partner would make the right call. What I did not see was that I was not spending the right amount of time to discuss our needs, our feelings. Instead, I started going away on business trips, she went off on business trips. We started a family. We spend less time with one another. We tried finding solace in other people, in other”things “– we tried finding ourselves doing other “stuff” that was not important. Not for us anyway. I tried doing sport to find out in “my time” who I was, where too from here – what am I to do. We were spending less and less time talking. 
We attend her work function and everyone crowds around her, mostly men and I get angry. Angry at the ease of how she can talk to them but not too me. I get angry that she cannot read my face and see how alone and upset I was – yes, it was selfish. I was thrown off my feet, mud in the face and I did not know how to get up again. She was smiling with them, then one guy comes around and touches her arm and she looks up to him and smiles in the way she used to smile at me. I drew further back, hoping she would see me and try to understand that I was not happy. I was gutted. In the following months she told me that another guy had fell in love with her – a much older guy and I was really gutted. I was gutted because I felt that in a true partnership you surely were able to draw the lines and you surely would be able to show, tell people where the lines should be. How come he did not see the lines? Was it because she allowed him into her space and did not draw the lines? Was it because she wanted to find some emotional connection that we did not have at the time? I did not know. She did tell me it meant nothing and that our love prevails. I did not feel that way – I started losing the feeling of us! I could not believe that my partner, lover could chat and have a discussion about someone else’s life and care and advice if ours were in total dismay. I was just so sad, so angry. At her. With her colleagues. She wanted to talk on several occasions and I shut her down. I could not open up. Why could I just not – for goodness sake – have opened up!! Why was it so difficult for me to say what I wanted to say for years? Why was it so difficult too just say what was on my mind. I was scared, yet angry. What a combination. I look at her and a tear roll down my cheek, I want to tell her, but I am so angry with her for not seeing what she is doing to me. She used to read me so clearly it was scary in itself! I have no more energy, no more desire to get any further upset. I got to the brink of the bucket of “angry”! She does not deserve me. I clearly then have issues! And all I wanted was for her to hold me close and never let me go.
I lost my best friend, my partner, my lover! I was gutted beyond disbelief, I was in a foul mood at work, and people ran circles around me. My bosses wanted to know what was going on; my colleagues questioned my behaviour. My friends questioned my behaviour – my wife’s mother picked up the scent that something was not right. I just felt so sad; so terribly sad that I lost the only thing in life that made me feel good. The only thing that made me feel special. And to make it more earth shattering – it was probably my fault. I was pushing her away. My completeness was shattered. That day it struck, I was on my own. I went fishing on my own. It was me and the blue sky. I cried, I shouted at the top of my lungs. I knew nobody could hear me – I was 15 km away from civilization. I could utter my sheer frustration and disbelief on the ridiculousness of the situation. Has the situation gone too far, can I stop it? Will she understand? Will she be able to see, to read my face? Will I be able to open up! I was such a wimp!! I could have been stronger? Why was I not stronger?? I was embarrassed. I was just so embarrassed. I let my partner down.
I really tried to find the right moment to chat. I did not want to “blurt” it out. I wanted the right moment, away from the kids, our friends and any other obstruction there might be. I was scared; my guess was that I was too late. I was just too late. I could sense a new kind of feeling from her. A cold, no care feeling. She would go on with her life with no emotions. No love. No touch. When she did touch me there was nothing. No emotion, no feel and you just had to look at her face. A picture paints a thousand words, her face painted one. Coldness. 
I tried talking to her once or twice, whereas she tried talking to me several times. The sad thing here is that every time she wanted to talk, it was just after something small has set off my alarm bells. I chose to ignore this. By choosing to ignore this you choose to withdraw. I did. I send her packing more than once because I did not want to talk. I said; - no, there are no problems or – don’t worry dear, nothing is bothering me. I was not ready. And I did not see her hurt, her feelings. I did not see how she was aching with pain. I chose to ignore her emotions and her desperate plea for help. It was too late. I chose not to listen to her and talk to her.
We moved abroad. We decided that we had the opportunity to move abroad to follow her career and I would give mine up. Such simple words. I could not imagine the hell I was going to enter. I was oblivious to the facts. The real true realistic facts of life was about to be shown!
Why did I allow the move? Surely it would just make it easier to for her to open to a new group of people, whom I knew nothing about; and attach herself to people that were willing to listen. Although we never discussed this, I was very afraid to move into an environment that I knew nothing about. She knew work people from her workplace abroad. She was carried on a silver platter and introduced to everyone. And this was one of the things that did get to me. We moved into an environment that she knew, although she will never deny it, she knew people that she could actually talk too. And she would, that is her nature. Now she was in control. And I was in completely isolated and alone. And this is where my story turns to hell.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Please let me know when you post chapter two. It sounds like you forgot that the things you fell in love with her for are the things that hurt you now. Her way with people, once endearing, now not so endearing because it isn't turned towards you. But it sounds like there is hope that it could be again....


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## BigGuysmallHaert (Jul 13, 2010)

(I stayed up late tonight – and when I went to bed, I could not help myself smiling. This beautiful creature! If she only knew how much I cared and loved her! How could it be that someone so close to you could turn on you? Could she ever realise and understand what she has done?)
Before our move abroad I did not really take any notice of where and when she took lunches with colleagues. Although I knew at the time it was all these smart and upmarket places I did not give it any thought. Why would I? She would come home and tell me where she and her colleague went for lunch. I took a platonic view. Thats cool, did you enjoy it? And she would tell me all about. 
We arrived at our new house and I was focussed on making sure that our kids had the backing they demanded. I wanted to go to bed at night knowing that they know we care and love them and that we are there for them in their new environment. Their new school, our neighbours, their new playmates. After 2 weeks my wife told they had to go back to our home country to settle a few matters. She and her colleague would go. He booked himself into an upmarket hotel and my wife decided to stay with her mom. She did phone her mom to tell her that they will be there for work and that there will be limited time that she could spend with her. I did not read anything into this. They were going to settle some remaining issues that needed their attention. My wife would phone me and tell me that she and her work colleague went out for supper. Where they went too. What fun time she had. At this time the only furniture we had in the house abroad was 2 x garden chairs, 2 x single mattresses which I pushed together so that me and the kids could enjoy a good night’s rest. (We were waiting for our container to arrive.) The news made me feel jealous – I was not in a good space at the time. I was not comfortable where I was – yet!
She arrived back home after 2 weeks and told me of their time spend in the city and that they went out almost every night. Wining and dining. Her mom was furious that she spend only one night at home, where they could catch up and talk. During our chats she slipped that they even went to a strip club together. Supposedly for drinks. All fun she says. I am angry and upset and thought about our discussion a year ago. She wanted to go see a strip club and I said well that would be something I would like to share with you. I was so angry. I did not tell her how I felt. I thought she would think I was stupid to think this way. I discovered afterwards that they went to 2 strip clubs that night. As if in search for adventure – as a couple would. I was so distraught and hurt. I did not tell her how I felt.
A couple months later they went back again. This time they both booked into an upmarket hotel in a upmarket suburb. It was for work. Why did she not want to stay with her mom? I never questioned or asked. I would never even consider the alternative – we are partners for life and she would never do anything to hurt me. Because I will not hurt her! Not when it comes to the value we shared for our marriage – or so I chose to believe!
Again, he wined and dined her in the fanciest restaurants. He had a way of treating her that made her feel good. I could not do that – I was not in that class. I did not know about fancy foods and fancy restaurants. I was just a guy who knows ordinary things a guy is supposed to know. I would back her and support her in any choice she had to make if she was unsure. He started sharing his personal issues with her. She responded. He said that he and his wife were not in a good space at the time. He enjoyed her company. He enjoyed the fact that he could to her about anything. And she would respond. She chose to respond. I never knew this at the time.
I could not find work. The language barrier was just too great. I decided to discuss this with her. She had it easy as their policy in their firm was, as it is an International Company, they conclude business in English. I was not only thrown by her travel escapades, but also with the fact that I used to be the breadwinner. Now I need to ask her for money to buy the house groceries. My company was my kids – not healthy as I was desperate for chatting with adults. She was there, .....but not really there! I started chatting to neighbours and moms / dads at school. It was difficult to break into their circle of friends. I did not have any adult friends at the time other than my wife.
They travelled the world. They sometimes stayed over in exotic locations, a day or two there, another day here or there. A week there. Another week elsewhere. And whenever she came back she did not tell me all. She stretches it over a month – as she most probably read my face and understood as to what and how much she could tell. As if she was hiding “stuff” from me. I did upset me; I cannot say that it did not. There was this “person” who was taking my place and my time with what I hold dearest to me. This was so unfair and so not called for! But, this person was also our friend. I trusted him to be my guardian angel when she was overseas. I invited him into our house and I never questioned his motivates, actions towards to my wife. They were work colleagues. He was married. They have kids of their own!
I never questioned her. But – after a year I started losing my feelings for her. I knew something was not right. I felt no emotions toward her, I felt no warm feelings when she came home – I did not mind if she was not home. At least the kids wanted me. If fact, everyone at school was talking about the fact that these kids mom is never at home. Always jokingly of course. I this time I never gave her any reason to doubt my behaviour. I started reading cook books. I started cooking for her. I cleaned the house every day after taking the kids to school. I washed all our clothes. I took the kids to their play dates, or play parks or birthday parties.
I was so alone – yet so fulfilled with my time with my kids. The time I have with them has now become more precious than my wife’s. 
Then came the news that we had this opportunity to relocate to another country - again. She suggested that we could go on the company’s expense and see if this country had what it would take to live permanently there. Our kids are small enough so if we wanted – this would be the opportunity to move and settle. I did not really care where we went to as long as I could have time with her. We made arrangements and she went a week before me. I remember getting onto the plane. I remember putting my music on and once the lights were out I cried and cried. How did I get to a place like this? What did I do wrong? How could she do this to me! Something was so wrong. 
I mentally was ready to ask her what was going on. What was this connection between her and this colleague. I feared the worst during the flight. This only made me feel worse.
I arrive – we meet and travel to the hotel. The next evening we go for supper. I tell her that we have not been alone for 2 years. And I missed having our discussions and evenings out. I said that I need to ask her a question – she started crying – instantly my heart drop to my shoes – this cannot be!!
She then told me how about how this work colleague proposed marriage twice. Gutted is not the right word how I felt. I was – empty. The first time he proposed was the first time they travelled back to our home country!
She told me how I chose to shut her out and that this was payback time – the last year and half was payback. I cried – how could I be so stupid – what did I do wrong. Yes, I battled to talk to her – could she not see why?? Clearly not – what now. What do I do now!!! She chose to respond to the colleague.
The worst is yet to come – we arrive back – she tells her work colleague that we chatted and he needs to butt out. He cannot understand what he did wrong. He still picks her up in every morning for work and drops her off after work! They still need to travel at the end of the month. Everywhere I look I see him. How could he. I trusted him. Brought him into our home! And then he wants to invade my space and take my wife. This is incredible. Has he not respect. No values for other people’s feelings. I talk to her and she is quite aware – she decided to cut out her emotions and says that they had a chat and they are purely work colleagues now. As if she turned a switch and all is better – no worry in the world.
I am at a cul de sac! I don’t know what, how and where to move from here. When we relocate, his family will also relocate to the new site. What can I do!
If only she knew how I felt and what she has done. She says she wants things to back as normal. 
How does one do this????
If only she knew....
(This is the last and final – I will move on - I will show her and him who the better man is. If she chooses me he will have lost – with all his money and “stuff” that carries no weight as a man!)


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It is very difficult when she still works with him. Are you trusting of her? He has his own family as well. Do you know his wife and children well?

You have a good attitude and are keeping a strong integrity, but allow yourself to feel your feelings and let them be known.


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