# Please please help!



## TowleHouse86 (Sep 19, 2012)

I have been a long time browser of the site. I have usually been able to find opinions and answers to most things I have been going through. But not this one. It's so personal.

I have been married to my wife for over six years now. We have two children, 5 and 3.

My wife really seems to not want to be with me anymore. She is so distant and detached. I try to engage her in conversation, it works sometimes. But more often then not, I get very short answers then nothing at all.

Let me preface all of this by telling you the bad about myself in our marriage. When we first were married I had just gotten out of the Air Force. I was discharged on medical reasons. (neurological and cardiology problems) Which eventually healed about a year and a half after we were married. We were both 20 years old. I was young and still wanted to hang out with my friends and do things. (I would take back any one of those minutes now to replace it with her) I never went out drinking or anything crazy like that. Most of the times I would always leap to help out my friends and family no matter what was going on. When we were married we decided we wanted a child right away. Which we were lucky enough to have happen. Unfortunately I was unable to work throughout the pregnancy due to the injury I had sustained. Which put a lot of strain on my wife. (She still brings it up today) But the thing is, even against Drs orders, I still went out and got a job at a local Lowes store. Until about a week in those injuries popped up and I passed out in work on the floor and boom, no job. She does not remember that part of it. Anyways. Fast forward, we move in to take care of my grandmother. Until she passed away a couple years later. We were there taking care of everything that she needed. Food, Shopping, Hygiene, and everything else around the house. Any-who, I did this most of the time while my wife was working. This was our arrangement. She did help when she was not working. Which was great. So eventually we both agreed we wanted a second child. So we conceived. I went out and got another job and we hired a home health aid to help us with my grandmother. One day my grandmother asked myself and some family members to fix the back portion of her roof. So we were doing that, one of my friends did not hold my ladder too sturdily, boom. Broken forearm. Unfortunately for me I was still in the "Probationary" section of my employment. Lost job. But I was not out of work for long. I soon found another job. Unfortunately for me, again, I had an accident because my supervisor was very insistent that I mover a large crate to the other building before the end of the day. Long story short, Three Herniated Disks, Two Groin Hernias, and lasting Osteoarthritis forever. (Wow this guys gets injured a lot!) Not until recently after the Air Force. I was always in sports and in great health. Anyways, So I have been 50% disabled ever since. So no job. BUT, I have been going to school and taking care of our kids and house everyday. Any house wife can tell you that it really is not as easy as you think. Not at all. So my wife has been the main provider. I do receive checks from Worker's Compensation. Now Almost five years after the injury they are willing to settle. I have been doing physical therapy along the way. So I am confident I can go back to work. Then my wife can go to school like she wants. Which I would love. Now to the problems:

My wife has had this habit of seeking attention from other guys A LOT. I can name 6 specific ones.

This most recent one is the absolute WORST. He will text her from morning till... well, morning. From the time she wakes up until about 2:30 in the morning. And she thinks it is perfectly fine. She will go on walks and call him. She normally take 45 minutes to do her route. When she talks to him it takes anywhere between 45 minutes and 3 1/2 hours. She says she feel bad for him because his mom is sick, his sister is a druggie, and he has no friends. So she HAS to talk to him. She know I do not like here doing it for so long. I don't mind the normal 15 minutes- 1 hour conversation. But 3 1/2 hours? Really? Is that completely necessary? I may be wrong there. So anyways, that's one thing. But another thing completely is, last week, I had to do some rust repair on our vehicle before winter. So she says, exactly, " Oh that's okay! Take as long as you need to. You can take all day if you want to." So I do the work, it does not take all day. So I knew she was going for a walk and possibly going to the park with the kids. So I call her and pretend to be taking a break, find out where she is. I was going to surprise her. Oh did I. I snuck up on her to hang out with her and our kids. Only, I see that she is away from the kids and someone else is with them. I say to her "So who's that with the kids?" Her face flushes white. "Don't freak out!"  Oh boy did that set me off. It was HIM, the one she was talking to all the time! The one texting all the time! The one visiting her at work! So I start walking over to him fully intent on teaching him some respect. She knew what she did was wrong. She jumped in front of me and started trying to calm me down and tell me not to do anything stupid. I jump in my car and take off. She still thinks she did nothing wrong. But all I can think of is her cheating on me. I do NOT want him playing with MY kids. Now I cannot get this out of my mind. I have tried rationalizing it. But I cannot. Now I asked her to go to marriage counseling. "Sure" very unconvincing. But we have an appointment. I just don't think she wants to fix our marriage. I honestly think she wants to leave me for this guy. She is only affectionate and physical once she gets home from a walk or off the phone with him. I am just beside myself. I don't know what to do. I am getting so depressed. I don't want anyone but her. I don't even have friends that are female. I would so much rather fix anything we had, then to start something new with someone else. I love her with all my heart. I constantly feel like crying. I don't know anymore. Please give me some advice other then what every person I have asked advice fore has said, "She's cheating on you. You need to get things in order for divorce. You need to seek custody of the kids immediately." Please. Somebody. I feel so alone right now.

If I see a "Man Up" post, you need to grow up. If you genuinely have feelings for someone you would be devastated too.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You aren't going to get advice that you want to hear. At least, not any useful advice.

Because you've already gotten that same good advice from well meaning friends who know there's no other options, and you have dismissed it because you seem to think you can't handle life without her.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Even if your wife is not PHYSICALLY cheating on you, she is EMOTIONALLY cheating on you; she is having an emotional affair!

You need to call her on it. She is expending time/energy/emotion on another man who is NOT YOU. She is expending time/energy/emotion on another man who is NOT the father of her children. She is expending time/energy/emotion on another man who is NOT her life partner.

She needs to make a choice: she either cuts off ALL contact with this man immediately and permanently or she cuts off ALL contact with YOU immediately because YOU will NO LONGER HAVE A MARRIAGE.

Unfortunately, YOU cannot force her to choose YOU. YOU cannot force her to choose your marriage. You cannot force her to choose your family. All YOU can do is point out to her that she MUST CHOOSE -- either the other man OR her family. She cannot have both.

Good luck! If she chooses to give up the other man, then you both need to get into marriage counseling. She must live a transparent life so you know you can trust her again (she will have to earn it). If she chooses the other man, YOU need to get into IC to set your own goals and learn how to move your life ahead in a meaningful and healthy way for yourself and your children.

If she is unwilling to choose you, or unwilling to get into MC, or unwilling to live transparently...there is NOTHING you can do about it. All YOU can control is yourself. You MUST be strong for YOURSELF and your children so YOU can be a strong role model for them in how to be a man, how to be an adult, how to be a husband (either with your current wife or in the future) how to be a dad.

Good luck.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

TowleHouse86 said:


> I have been a long time browser of the site. I have usually been able to find opinions and answers to most things I have been going through. But not this one. It's so personal.
> 
> I have been married to my wife for over six years now. We have two children, 5 and 3.
> 
> ...


WOW take deep breaths. I'm sorry I have no sound advice for you. She did do something wrong and she knows it. Did you talk to her about it? I would at least tell her to keep other guy away from your kids that's not right. Do you think its some kind of twisted way of getting ur attention? I'm sorry for your pain and that I don't have anything better to offer you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tarter Sauce (Sep 19, 2012)

I am soo sorry that you are going thru this. I am crying right now reading your post. I know what its like being so lonely. If you want to give the marriage your all and go to therapy you should. You have to live with yourself and your decisions and you may regret not doing so. You do need to cover the topic of boundries with your wife when you go tho. It isn't healthy for her to have such an involved relationship with another man and certainly not spending time with your kids. If she's not already cheating with him, she probably will if it keeps on. The simple fact that it hurts you and she is still spending time on the phone or in person with him is unloving and disrespectful. Good luck


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## TowleHouse86 (Sep 19, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Because you've already gotten that same good advice from well meaning friends who know there's no other options, and you have dismissed it because you seem to think you can't handle life without her.


I'm just hoping that all the people I talk to are wrong. Not saying they are. But I have to hope.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Even if your wife is not PHYSICALLY cheating on you, she is EMOTIONALLY cheating on you; she is having an emotional affair!
> 
> You need to call her on it. She is expending time/energy/emotion on another man who is NOT YOU. She is expending time/energy/emotion on another man who is NOT the father of her children. She is expending time/energy/emotion on another man who is NOT her life partner.
> 
> ...


Oh I know this. It doesn't feel any different than physical cheating to me. My heart still aches the same. I know the pain of the physical cheating because 80% of the girls that I had dated cheated on me. Most recently was before I went into the Air Force. I was going to ask my girlfriend to marry me. Only to find out while I was in basic training she was cheating on me with my best friend back home.



Jemm said:


> She did do something wrong and she knows it. Did you talk to her about it? I would at least tell her to keep other guy away from your kids that's not right. Do you think its some kind of twisted way of getting ur attention?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I have spoke to her about it on MANY occasions. She honestly sees nothing wrong with it because as she was growing up all she had was guy friends. Because the girls picked on her. Classic ugly duckling. She was scrawny, nerdy, and glasses with a healthy dose of ADHD. But now, she is absolutely beautiful and a great person. She has always said she likes the attention because she never got it before. But I pay so much attention to her now. But like I said, at the beginning of the marriage that was different. But that lasted for three or so years. But these last years since then, I have tried to include her in everything. I try to engage her in conversation all the time. I really do just adore her. I follow her around like a lost puppy some days because I can't get enough of her.



Tarter Sauce said:


> I am soo sorry that you are going thru this. I am crying right now reading your post. I know what its like being so lonely. The simple fact that it hurts you and she is still spending time on the phone or in person with him is unloving and disrespectful. Good luck


Thank you. I don't think she fully understands just how much it hurts me. That's why I'm hoping counselling will work. Fingers crossed.


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## TowleHouse86 (Sep 19, 2012)

Well the counselling is still set up for Tuesday. But it has been a really hard past few days. Since that other guy she is talking to is "Just a friend" I tried to talk to him. Then he started a bunch of crap and said "It's not my fault that she wants to talk to me and not you. Maybe man up and try to fix the problems that you caused."
So I tried to be as calm as possible and told him that I had admitted to my wife all the problems that I had caused in the past. I own up to that. I tried to get him to stop talking to her all the time. He wants no part of that deal.
I also asked her, What if I asked you to choose him over me? I'm not saying I am, but what if I did?
She quickly responded with a quick, "We are just friends! That's kind of ridiculous. Can't I have friends?"
So I said, "Yes you can have friends. I just don't want you talking to him ALL the time."
I even spent a long time with her mother yesterday talking about what was going on. She agrees with me 90%. She believes that my wife and the other guys relationship is inappropriate. She said she even told my wife this before when she tried to get her mother on her side. We talked about A LOT of things that day. She knows, and sees that I have been trying really hard the past two years. I have been a better father, husband, and person. 
This is very great to hear from her. Her and I had not been on good terms for the first couple years of my wife and I's marriage. Which was actually a good thing. She was never too easy on me. She always called me out when I had done something wrong, or was not putting enough attention on my family. I told her that's what made her the absolute best mother-in-law for me. I lover her and her family so much, I do NOT want to lose them in this. But anyways, she gave great advice.
My wife called out something on me that I completely agree on. The little things. Like, little surprises or nice things to do for her. She was completely right. After about the first year or so I had stopped doing the small things for her. I screwed that up. But I always did do those things. But I need to start doing it again. I don't want her to think that I am just doing it now because she said so. But that's who I used to be. I want to be that guy for her again. Starting bubble baths for her with nothing but scented candles lighting the bathroom, slipping her little love notes in her purse before she leaves for work, making her a surprise dinner, going for long walks at night, those type of things. Her telling me that re-ignited those thoughts in my head. I adore her so much. I need to get her to see that I still do. 

I will post any updates as they come along.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tell her that if she loves and respects YOU, then "Mr. Just a Friend" will have to go.

There is nothing wrong with having friends. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex (in MY opinion, many others here DO NOT AGREE). BUT, any friends that EITHER OF YOU HAVE (whether they be same-sex friends or opposite-sex friends) MUST SHOW SUPPORT AND RESPECT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

This goes for YOUR guy-buddies.
This goes for HER girl-friends.
This goes for YOURS & HER opposite-sex friends.
This goes for YOURS & HER relatives.

ANYONE who does NOT show support/respect for YOUR marriage, is (by definition) NOT A FRIEND!!!!!

Tell her that getting her ego stroked by "Mr. Just A Friend" should NOT BE MORE IMPORTANT to her than making her husband feel loved/valued/important/validated. You are MORE THAN just her husband, you are the FATHER of her children. She needs to model APPROPRIATE behavior for your children so they see how adult relationships are SUPPOSED to work!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Tell her that getting her ego stroked by "Mr. Just A Friend" should NOT BE MORE IMPORTANT to her than making her husband feel loved/valued/important/validated. You are MORE THAN just her husband, you are the FATHER of her children.


That is the bottom line!
*If she will not accept this and act on it then you need to get yourself stronger and less emotionally dependant on her.* Trouble is a brewing.

If she is going to put another man above you then you are going to have to think about you and do whatever you have to do to get her control of you off your back.

Sometimes life and love sucks big time but that does not change reality. You may have to man-up and do the tough things.


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## TowleHouse86 (Sep 19, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> That is the bottom line!
> *If she will not accept this and act on it then you need to get yourself stronger and less emotionally dependant on her.* Trouble is a brewing.
> 
> If she is going to put another man above you then you are going to have to think about you and do whatever you have to do to get her control of you off your back.
> ...


I know. You both made good points. Believe me, I have gone through losing a love before. So I know that eventually it does get better. You will always have that scar on the inside from it. Honestly with my first real love that I had lost, I accepted it and I did want it to get better. I really honestly did.

But she is my wife. She is the mother of my children. She is my world. This time, I really truly do not want it to feel better if we do split ways. I just want to try everything in my power to show her I can be the person she wants again. I understand that you can't make somebody want you. I know this and accept it.

I am going through some really tough times right now, I'm sure I'm not the only one. But every day I have been having moments where I am okay and hope for the best. Others, I am just crushed and find myself crying uncontrollably. I am not a crier. At all. 

**Please don't report what I am about to say. I have already spoken with my psychologist about what I am going to say.**

After my first love broke up with me (I was 16) I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pills. Didn't work, but it screwed me up pretty bad for awhile. She (No Joke) said the same thing my wife said to me recently, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". 

On 9/20/2012, I was woken up at 3 am and ran into the kitchen and saw my wife getting a glass of water. Once I stopped and stood up completely, I became very disoriented, nauseous, and had body aches with severe chest pain and sharp pains in my arm. My wife caught me and gave me a glass of water, laid me on the couch, and covered me up. I quickly passed out. Then around 5:30 I woke up again, this time confused as to what had gone on. So I crawled my way back into the bedroom (as walking was completely out of the question). Then a few hours later we all awoke for the day. I drove my wife to work and brought my daughter to school. Where, in the parking lot had violent retching. Went home, had to full intention of just sleeping most of the day. My mother kept calling and texting me. (Thankfully) Eventually she came over because I wasn't responding anymore. I was passed out on the couch and my son was just sitting quietly watching TV. I was very little responsive, had a high fever, still dizzy and nauseous. My mother called 911. They soon arrived and tried to talk to me. Didn't work out so well, as I had just about zero strength. They whisked me out, (I was very upset because my son was in tears balling because of what was going on. It still bothers me now thinking about it) they threw me in the ambulance and hooked me up to everything. They knew I had Atrial Fibrillation, which is basically a heart flutter. The EMT's face went white one the monitors were up and going. She looked at me very concerned and told me that I had previously had a cardiac episode and that if they didn't get me taken care of right now I was going to have a heart attack. So they gave me four aspirins and raced to the hospital. <- All this because of the way my body now decided to react to stress.

So now, today, I am having a very difficult day. My mind keeps having thoughts of suicide racing through my head. I cannot get them to stop. I would never do it, but it is so disturbing that I cannot get them to stop. I think I am annoying all my family because I am calling one of them every 30 minutes or so to talk. I would never even try suicide again. But I think because it has happened before, my mind just keeps going toward that.
***I already spoke to my therapist for quite awhile.***
She believes there is no imminent threat to myself or others. She told me to call her if anything changes immediately. She suggested that I speak to anyone that I trust about this. So that is why I am posting this now. I think writing it is helping more than speaking about it right now.

Sorry for the length of this. But I need to get it out.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hang tough!

Most important is YOUR HEALTH. IF that means you have to let this marriage situation go for a while, then DO IT. You have to be strong enough for your KIDS. GET WELL FIRST, then worry about your marriage.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are not mentally strong enough to deal with your wife's cheating right now.

Please focus on getting well with your therapist & family's help.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

And what's your wife's reaction to your being hospitalized and the turmoil you're in?


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## TowleHouse86 (Sep 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> And what's your wife's reaction to your being hospitalized and the turmoil you're in?


She says that I was going it to make her feel sorry for me. Last time I checked you can't exactly will on a heart attack can you?

But don't think she is such a bad person. I understand her position. I just love her so much and want to do anything I can to help out.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

TowleHouse86 said:


> She says that I was going it to make her feel sorry for me. Last time I checked you can't exactly will on a heart attack can you?


That's such a ridiculous thing for her to say,but sometimes people really reach for excuses when they're in denial.



> But don't think she is such a bad person. I understand her position. I just love her so much and want to do anything I can to help out.


The degree to which she is a bad person depends on the baseline you're measuring it from and from where I'm standing she looks bad enough.....at the very least she's discussed your personal troubles with him and he has enough faith in the strength of his relationship with her that he basically told you he had no intention of backing off when you asked it of him.

My thinking is like others on here in that you gather your strength both mentally and physically before you tackle the situation.I feel your pain friend so I really do hope this works out for you.Just take care of yourself.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

TowleHouse86 said:


> She says that I was going it to make her feel sorry for me. Last time I checked you can't exactly will on a heart attack can you?
> 
> But don't think she is such a bad person. I understand her position. I just love her so much and want to do anything I can to help out.


"But don't think she is such a bad person." Maybe not, but not very empathetic...some might say cold and self centered.

I understand the loving her so much, but it sounds like you need to step back and think about whats good for you. In her current state it is not her. This doesn't mean she won't change, but she won't if you make her feel like she can get away with treating you like dirt.

My Wifes MLC lead to an EA caused her to detach emotionlly and start blaming me with revisionist history to justify her bad behavior. It took many months and for me finally say enough. That I can live without her, before she woke up and changed.

I am very sorry this is happening, but you need to look out for you and consider that you deserve better.

IMHO


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## TowleHouse86 (Sep 19, 2012)

This is me said:


> "But don't think she is such a bad person." Maybe not, but not very empathetic...some might say cold and self centered.
> 
> I understand the loving her so much, but it sounds like you need to step back and think about whats good for you. In her current state it is not her. This doesn't mean she won't change, but she won't if you make her feel like she can get away with treating you like dirt.
> 
> ...


Well I know I may be sounding dumb now, but I don't deserve better than her. She has always been just the most absolute amazing girl that I have ever known. I wish she would stop some of the things she is doing. But I guess when it comes down to it, most of it is my fault. I was very inattentive for the first four years of our marriage. I became conscious of the problems and actively tried to change them. But my wife says it has been no different at all. I don't think I can be as strong as I need to be. I read that page in your signature about Midlife crisis for dummies. So much of that she has said or done to me. It is ridiculous. I just want it to be better. It is taking forever for Tuesday to get here for counselling. They minutes just drag on every day.

Sorry if I am making you guys upset because I cannot seem to gather the strength I need.


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Your wife's relation with her male "friend" is completely inappropriate. Instead of spending all that time with him, she should be spending that time with you!

It sounds to me like she's carrying out an emotional affair and has checked out of marriage.



TowleHouse86 said:


> She says that I was going it to make her feel sorry for me. Last time I checked you can't exactly will on a heart attack can you?
> 
> But don't think she is such a bad person. I understand her position. I just love her so much and want to do anything I can to help out.


This is definitely not a response coming from a loving wife. A loving wife should be worried about your health, spend as much time as possible with you in the hospital, and then spend as much time as possible with you at home to make sure you fully recover. She should be loving, caring, and do everything within her power to support you as you regain your health.

People say love is blind. You are looking at her through rose colored lenses.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Get well. I have a child and am in a similar position. Look in the mirror, she may have helped you in the past, but that is the past and this is now. 

I know my S2BXW has said a lot of stupid things that have hurt a lot. However, what your wife told you about your heart issue takes the cake. She has gone beyond checking out, she has gone beyond emotional stabs at you. You must regain your strength, you must rise above your co-dependency and become a better man.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Detach from her and get to a position of strength using these commandments. Then decide what you want to do with your life (cuz you ain't living one right now):


*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Your symptoms may be due to high anxiety, which can cause anything from racing heart beat to a full blown heart attack.


I suggest you see your primary care physician and ask for something quick acting to calm you down, such as xanax.

Your wife doesn't seem to care all that much about you and you're going to have to face the possibility that you're in this alone.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

TowleHouse86 said:


> Well I know I may be sounding dumb now, but I don't deserve better than her. She has always been just the most absolute amazing girl that I have ever known. I wish she would stop some of the things she is doing. But I guess when it comes down to it, most of it is my fault. I was very inattentive for the first four years of our marriage. I became conscious of the problems and actively tried to change them. But my wife says it has been no different at all. I don't think I can be as strong as I need to be. I read that page in your signature about Midlife crisis for dummies. So much of that she has said or done to me. It is ridiculous. I just want it to be better. It is taking forever for Tuesday to get here for counselling. They minutes just drag on every day.
> 
> Sorry if I am making you guys upset because I cannot seem to gather the strength I need.



How can you say you don't deserve better than her? Excuse me but that is absurd!!!

You really need to follow Synthetics 10! 

I hope she wakes from her fog, but she will never do it if she thinks you will always put her on a pedastal. Did you hear that?

You want her and you are doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

We are routing for you...so stop!!!


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