# So sorry, this is a long story and I need sincere honest help.



## stopandchange (Nov 10, 2011)

Not sure even where to begin my story. It's not a good story and it isn't short so I apologise upfront. 

Here goes... I am a 48 year old married man with 3 wonderful daughters whose ages are 12, 26 and 28. I love them all to bits. My wife whom I met when I was 17 to me is and always will be beautiful. The problem maybe deep seated I don't know but sincerely hope you can help in a real way! I will give you my warts and history from my earliest memories and summarise all major events from then up until now. I come from a family of 12 that is 6 brothers and 6 sisters. My father was a drinker and left home when I was approx' 3 years old. We had virtually no money to speak of. I have a few memories of my father, one memory was of him telling me a story and singing songs and the other much darker is of him shouting and pushing my mother after he had been out drinking. This happened quite a few times. My mother from what she has told me as I got older told my father to leave. It was an abusive marriage from what I have been told. I remember when I was about 8 years old finding out that two of my brother who were 16 and 17 tears old had been sent to a youth detention centre for committing theft. I remember also remember one night when I must have been about 10 and one of my brothers was climbing out of the upstairs window and later that same night he returned with bags of cigarettes and sweets. I also remember when again I must have been about 10/11 going to see a male probation officer with my brother who had regular meetings with him. I remember the area we lived in then was rough and there was the occasional argument and sometimes fights between my brothers and the neighbours. The neighbours on one side were out and out baddies, some of them would pee from bedroom windows that were broken and they were very sly in nature. My brother once got hit on the head with a hammer after catching one the neighbours climbing over our backyard fence in the dark of the night. My brothers I know now were thieves back then but they at least had honour and respect for other people and would never have harmed any body. From what they have said to me since they stole because they needed the money and so stole from shops to get it. My oldest brother was sent to prison for theft and not long after he came out he turned to religion to beat his crime and find a way/purpose. My sisters where never involved in any sort of bad deeds, crime etc but my oldest sister did turn to religion roughly the same time my brother did. I remember the a number of times when I went downstairs in the morning there would be a man asleep on the settee. He became quite a regular visitor and over time I personally did not like this. I remember he used to ask us to do chores and scrub the underside of cups and such and I felt so bad that my Mother was allowing him to tell me what to do. My thoughts then was that he was nothing to me was telling me to do things in my own home. I know some of my brothers and sisters felt the same at the time. My mother was a smoker (so am I and most of my family have been although some beat the habit) and was admitted to hospital when I was about 11 to have the lower part of her right leg amputated due to smoking related circulation problems. This was a horrible time and I remember it like it was yesterday. Our lives changed dramatically from then on. My Mother tried various artificial legs but they all caused her problems and so they were not used. My Mother was for the most part wheelchair bound and although she remained independent in spirit but her ability to be totally independent was restricted. She loved gardening. Anyway when I was 12 we moved 30 miles away (due to a government regeneration scheme that we were part of) to a much, much better home in an area that had acres and acres of green fields and you could hear birds singing, loads of them everywhere. It was brilliant. The only problem for me and my twin brother was starting in a new school. The area we moved to was much better but also had it's share of problems inherited by other people moving into the area in the same way we did. day one at school my twin brother was challenged by the class bully and I got involved and it ended soon because there were two of us, we stuck together and did not back down. So the first day wasn't good. We found it hard to settle and never quite picked up our education from were we left off before we moved. In the last year we played truant for 6 months and did not sit any exams. I left school and started a training course for painting and decorating. I loved it I was good with my hands, paid attention to detail and was not work shy. I met my current wife there who was the pay clerk. I was 17 and she was 16. My manager made me aware that the pay clerk liked me and that I should go and ask her out. I summoned up the nerve asked did she want to go out on the Friday, she said no I walked away and she said I can't make it then but I can make it on a different day. We eventually started seeing each other and I fell for in a big way. We were like two soppy kids, writing each other letters even though we see each other more or less every evening. We were young, foolish and in love when my now wife fell pregnant. I was 18 and she 17. Catastrophic! What where we going to do. We didn't have much choice I would never ever have left her alone and never considered abortion. We decided we had to tell the parents. I went with my now wife to see her parents and I explained to them what the situation was. Her father was a thinker and never ever got angry. you could only tell he was annoyed by a slight change in hi expression. Her mother was different and was concerned but not angry at all. She asked what we where going to do and where would we live etc. We answered these questions as best we could. My Mother was not really concerned at all and said if that's what you want then that's fine. The birth came and we had a baby girl a beautiful little thing. I was the most immature at the time and did not totally commit to all the responsibilities I now had. Things got better the older the my daughter became and when we had our second child we were dab hands at and did not let it really phase either of us at all. I was still not totally committing to my full share of the responsibilities, not sure why but suspect it was my immaturity and would on occasion once a week go to have a beer with my brothers leaving my wife and 2 children at home. We coped quite well in the house we were in and decided that maybe we should by it on a shared ownership scheme that was running at the time. So that's what we did we signed the papers and the house was ours or at least would be some day. The house needed lots of work doing to if we where to stay there and we had already worked out that we needed to stay for a number of years in order to get the maximum benefit from the shared ownership scheme. I gutted the house room by room with the help of my brothers and replaced all of the windows and totally refurbished the back and front garden. The whole house was now looking and feeling great. Now after living in the house for a number of years I was lucky with the help of my brother in law to get a job working in the IT industry just as it was staring to kick off in the UK. When I went for the interview I was asked when I could start and said right now. I loved the start and chance I had been given and will always have my brother in law to thank for everything else that came my way as a result of this lucky break I was given. I progressed through the ranks and was eager to learn and eventually I landed a job in the same company but field based. I got a company car and all the trimmings. I was so lucky. My family and I made the most of the car and would think nothing of travelling 700 miles roundtrip on a day out, fantastic benefit of the car and fuel allowance. I landed a job really close to my home, less than 10 minutes drive away. My wife mentioned to me that she maybe going out for lunch out on one particular day for a drink with her work colleagues. No problem she had done it before so I thought nothing of it. It then occurred to me that I might just surprise her now that I work so close and so I did not mention anything. On the day of her lunchtime drink I did surprise her and id not get the reaction I should have got instead when I arrived my wife was sat on the end of a pub corner settee and next to her was a guy and next to her another guy. The other girls were all over the side of the table. Anyway that was not the problem the problem was that this guy who was sitting next to my wife had some how got onto the subject of me and my now wife not being married at the time. He was trying to have digs and quoting values and virtues etc. I did not cause a seen as such but answered everything he threw at me. I was really annoyed and could not believe that my wife did not jump in and tell her colleague to pack it in or at least to get involved. She did not say anything. Anyway after a short time I said my goodbyes and left. When I got home that evening I asked my wife who that guy was and why she had let him get away with the conversation he was having without telling him to pack it in. She said she did not know who he was and that he came with guy next to him who she did work with. This did not make any sense to me as why would a stranger sit next to my wife and why would my wife sit next to a stranger. This is as far as that went. Whilst out working my luck on the road ran out and I was involved in a car accident and hit on the driver’s side by another vehicle. I walked away from the accident fairly unscathed except for then a minor neck related whiplash problem. I completed the insurance paperwork anyway and got paid a small sum after about a year. With the extra lump sum we know had we decided it was about time that we got married but did not want the traditional wedding. We headed for the beautiful island of St Lucia and took our two daughters, my wife’s sister who was the bridesmaid and my brother who was going to be my best man and his fiancé. We stayed for 3 weeks and had a fantastic time. We all loved it so much. Back in the UK now and I'm not sure of the exact date but anyway I got up to go to work as usual at about 6:00am and would leave about 06:45. There was a knock on the door at about 06:30am and it was one of my brothers who lived less than half a mile away. I asked what was up and he said he had been out all (he is a drinker) night and could not get in his house as his wife would not answer the door. He asked could he stay at my house and I replied yes (even though I did not like the idea). I went up stairs and explained the situation to my wife who did not like the idea but I had no choice as far as I could see so my brother stayed and slept on the settee. I left for work as usual and did a days work. I got home and asked my wife how had the day gone and she explained that my brother had woke at 12:00 and stayed until after 2pm. she also said that he had been crying that she felt very sorry for him. I asked why he was crying and my wife would not say she avoided telling me and said he was upset(Still has not told me) I let it go and did not pursue it any further. The same brother was very helpful to me in my house and would always help me in any diy that needed an extra pair of hands. My relationship with this particular brother continued in this way for a number of years. On occasion my wife would tell me my brother had called to see me that day He did this a number of times even though he was aware I was not home at the times he called. We decided in 1996 that we needed to move home as the area was starting be run down. We found a great property that was brand new and got it with a great sized back garden. I started again in diy mode along with my brother and put down over 600 pavement flags in the back garden and even then there was lots of grass left for the children to play on. I converted the garage into a gym/office and altered the path that lead up to the house. Things where starting to change within the company I worked for and I decided that I would try my hand at working for myself as a contractor. I started a contracting job in January and my wife fell pregnant in July. In October I had an affair left home for two months and came back home just before Christmas. I caused major problems then and had a long heart to heart with my wife about our future. (To date she says she does not remember this)Jumping forward in time to 2002/3 my brother, the brother that helped me with diy was a drinker and one that would go visiting without his wife but would go visiting alone. I know that my brother did bring his grand daughter to see my daughter (both similar ages) a few times. I know that when I was told he had called at the house it had only been for an hour or two. I do know that he called much earlier and stayed much later than first though. My brother made him self at home when I was not there but did not behave the same when I was there. Anyways this did bother me at the time and I mentioned it to my twin brother but soon moved on. My relationship with my brother continued but was not the same I became uneasy and unsure of his motives and also my wife’s honesty. My wife went back to work in 2000/2001 and was not with job that she had be given and had applied for and got a different job within the same government education department. My wife to me over a period of time changed in a number of ways. She had a radical hair cut (for her) and had her long her cut short and dyed, she started to wear push up bras instead of her usual bras; she wore stilettos to the office and a short skirt. She went without my knowledge to a tanning booth and never mentioned this too me it came out much later during conversation I only knew the job she was doing was to do with spreadsheets and the update of a website. She would come home and occasionally would speak of visiting far away places like Lapland, She would on occasion mention that her friends in work where going out for a bite to eat after work and I’m not sure if she was just giving me news or testing the water with me. She started to call me names and would say things like you little boy. During a conversation my wife’s sister was having with my wife whilst I was in the room, my wife’s sister mention that her and her other sister had gone out for a drink and met 2 of her sisters male colleagues. A debate went on then discussing if is this right as these 2 sisters where married. My wife said there is nothing wrong in 4 people going out if they all work together. Sounds a bit like double dating to me. My wife also on one occasion mentioned that a friend in work was a governor of a school and that I could easily become a governor. My wife also had registered for a friends united online website and never mentioned it to me I discovered it as I was suspicious at this point and did a search over time for her name and came across it. She had been registered since 2002 and now we are in November 2005. I never stopped to think and acted badly. I phoned my wife and asked about it she then said it was nothing and only used it once to see if anyone remembered her from school days. In December 2005 my wife sent an email home so my daughter could see it, it was a website link to an animated penguin game and that was fine. However the strange thing about it was I asked how she came across it and she said her female friend had sent it. The email had been trimmed of all the detail of the sender and the link that enclosed went to a foreign website abroad. Occasionally my wife would state that her work involved work force profile data for the government staff and that requests from the government cabinet office would arrive and they would have to provide data. This was news to me that she was providing data to such a high level group of people. She explained that she had no dealings with them and after getting the data she would pass it to her boss to email. Now moving forward in time to 2009 my wife’s department was making redundancies and my wife decide because the payout was good and the job was not the same that it was time to. My wife did this and brought home things from work that she wanted to keep. Now amongst these things was a large folder containing her personal performance reports and I took a look whilst my wife was with me. 
The reports mentioned that during the time frame of 2002 onwards that my wife had worked very closely with a male contractor for an extended amount of time. That she was responsible for updating 3 websites and was the sole representative for the department to the office of national statistics. All of this was news to me. It mentioned also prior to 2002 working closely with another colleague. I did not know this either. It also mentioned my wife was excellent at her job (I know she would be) and that she would always ask customers for feedback and would host workshops if required. I asked her about the feedback and the workshops and said who was the feedback coming from and who was the workshops for. My wife said the managers that wrote the personnel performance reports had exaggerated just to make the report and the manager look good. Since then I had conversation with my wife about who the colleague was that she worked very closely with. She said she worked with 2 of them and mentioned one name. I took a look online and found that the guy she mentioned was responsible for the creation of the outline reports that would let staff provide/acquire data for the school workforce profile. It then came to light that her head of department is part of the lead team for a schools improvement project that would turn schools from what they where into academies of excellence and the project would last 5 years or so. 


There is tons more.. My main problem believe it or not is me!! I’m not certain based on my own past that I’ve since caused this problem.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Can you do us a favour and edit that! 
Paragraphs are good!.

Cut out anything that is not relevant. 
What we need to start:
Why you are here?
What are you worried about?
What has happened.?
What are you doing/done about it?

I realise you are in pain but you will get a lot more responses if you help us to help you


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Anyone have the cliff notes version?

I got 1/2 down but had to stopped because kept on losing my place. Will try and weed through it tonight when I'm not being bothered by people at work.


----------



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I did not read the whole post either, but sometimes it just feels good to put your feelings down on paper (so to speak) without having to edit/correct/etc.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Holy crap!!!


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

> Here goes... I am a 48 year old married man with 3 wonderful daughters whose ages are 12, 26 and 28. I love them all to bits. My wife whom I met when I was 17 to me is and always will be beautiful. The problem maybe deep seated I don't know but sincerely hope you can help in a real way! I will give you my warts and history from my earliest memories and summarise all major events from then up until now.
> 
> I come from a family of 12 that is 6 brothers and 6 sisters. My father was a drinker and left home when I was approx' 3 years old. We had virtually no money to speak of. I have a few memories of my father, one memory was of him telling me a story and singing songs and the other much darker is of him shouting and pushing my mother after he had been out drinking. This happened quite a few times. My mother from what she has told me as I got older told my father to leave. It was an abusive marriage from what I have been told.
> 
> ...


Copy edited for you all. Hope the OP doesn't mind


----------



## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

I don't have the full attention span needed to finish this novel you have given us. But , Instead I have used an old method taught to me in my former days of Lecture Art. I schemed and pasted the meat of most of your deep inner thoughts and tried to generate the conclusion. 

In your case, I believe it would be prudent for you to keep a journal of daily events. An outlet so to speak to help quiet your thoughts and will give you the ability to control your thinking. 

Unfortunately, your past behavioral actions have contributed to where you are now, and you know this! But, that is not the key, its unraveling and shedding a light on those thinking patterns and actions that open negative doors that lead others into unwanted situations!. 

The best example of this I can give is my former girl friends Fear of me cheating on her! I never did for the record, but she came out of a bad relationship and transferred all her former lovers negative habits onto to me?? To the point of giving me sooo much grief, I wanted to cheat!! Because I got tired of receiving the consequences for something I did not do. 

Her fear, doubt , self generated illusion of mischief ruined us, it when it finished its course, I was 1000 miles living away from her. 

It took 5 months for her to realize the truth!, I only had eyes for her and no one else. You are not just driving yourself mad, you are also pushing your wife onto/into the brink of an Affair! Truly, we all have our threshold **** we can tolerate! 

Anyway, The damage is done, but that does not mean you cannot repair it, take ownership, and I believe you have, but seek your own counseling outside of your wife, do not drag her into this yet, Fix you 1st then work on the tangled, entrapped , maze of junk you have created for yourself. Its going to take time, but it can be achieved. 

I would tell you what steps you can take, but I believe you need close supervision from a professional that can anticipate the changes in your thinking patterns and moods. I can't do it, what I would suggest are fixed principals designed in a non flexible environment. That simply means, If I told you too take your wife on a 10 day vacation or even 3 day vacation( You both need it!) away from the places you've been before? And if during that time, a place, action done by her, triggers a negative emotion in you, it could cause you to over react, and thus ruin your whole trip. Its during those moments, you will need to be able to call someone to quiet your imagination or simply, if you see things to be evident of your suspensions, to just calmly remember, habits are hard to break, especially ones you may have helped create. 

Silience is not the Key, you will find, I believe and hope, that 90% of what your going through, you already have the answers for, you just need the confidence to move forward on them, and stop doubting your inner voice! 

In Summary, It is what you thought it was, Yes you had a hand in making it worst, No you are not solely to blame, Yes you can Fix it, Yes, it will require the help from a trained specialist or Even from a close friend. You are on the brink of full discovery, don't stop now, keep going, and soon everything will fall into place. 

I hope this helped.


----------

