# Incompatible Marriage...will it survive?



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

When two people are obviously incompatible, yet married, how do you make it work? We did go into the marriage knowing we were different in many areas. We have some great key areas that we are alike and mesh well, but the bulk of our personalities are completely opposite. I know I went in thinking we could make this work, but after 3 years there are still a lot of unnecessary fights and arguments and when we really look at it, it's because we think differently about the issue.

I find that I am more willing to accept my husband's differences. I can pretty much take the mindset "That's just the way he is" and move on. But he is the one who gets all bent out of shape because I am different from him. He doesn't just accept things. Yes, we know there are things we have to compromise on and it works on many things, but still not enough. I've tried to figure a way to help issue but I'm at a loss. I really want to make my marriage work but I also don't want to be putting my effort into a bottomless pit.

Any thoughts or experiences?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Does he really want this to work, or does he just want you to change so he doesn't have to deal with differences? If he wants this marriage to work, then you both - but especially him - need to develop skills that help you deal with the differences. This is one time where I think marriage counselling (MC) can actually make a big difference. Some differences never change, so they are not worth fighting about. Fighting only creates greater dissatisfaction and will (probably, eventually) lead to breaking up. He needs to learn to accept how you are, and both need to focus on the things you do have in common that bring you closer.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> When two people are obviously incompatible, yet married, how do you make it work? We did go into the marriage knowing we were different in many areas. We have some great key areas that we are alike and mesh well, but the bulk of our personalities are completely opposite. I know I went in thinking we could make this work, but after 3 years there are still a lot of unnecessary fights and arguments and when we really look at it, it's because we think differently about the issue.
> 
> I find that I am more willing to accept my husband's differences. I can pretty much take the mindset "That's just the way he is" and move on. But he is the one who gets all bent out of shape because I am different from him. He doesn't just accept things. Yes, we know there are things we have to compromise on and it works on many things, but still not enough. I've tried to figure a way to help issue but I'm at a loss. I really want to make my marriage work but I also don't want to be putting my effort into a bottomless pit.
> 
> Any thoughts or experiences?


I believe if you look into it you are better off with different personalities, otherwise things get boring fast. IE (introvert, extrovert)or one of the big 5.
A boring marriage is usually one given up quickly by one partner. 
What you are describing his lack of understanding your behavior and you his.
If he's getting bent out of shape because you are different than him...ask him "You do know I'm a woman and you're a man?"

As men we often give up trying to understand women, that's a deadly mistake.
We LOVE differently.
He wants you to LOVE him the way he LOVES you....impossible.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

yes he wants it to work but he is driving himself crazy not allowing our differences just to be that. I've been trying to show him how to live more in a place of acceptance and not feel like he has to understand everything. Long as we communicate why we do the things we do and we come to an understanding, there doesn't always have to be agreement. Then the things that we need to discuss because the difference is a problem, let's talk and come to a place of compromise. I thought this was going to be the solution but I"m finding I do it but he is struggling. I just don't want to wear myself out. Yes we started going to counseling. Maybe it will help.

I wanted to know if anyone else has this issue and what are they doing to help make the marriage work or did you just divorce because it was too hard?


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> I believe if you look into it you are better off with different personalities, otherwise things get boring fast. IE (introvert, extrovert)or one of the big 5.
> A boring marriage is usually one given up quickly by one partner.
> What you are describing his lack of understanding your behavior and you his.
> If he's getting bent out of shape because you are different than him...ask him "You do know I'm a woman and you're a man?"
> ...


Thanks! Yeah I too thought being different wasn't going to be THAT big of an issue. For example I am the poster child for Introverts and he is the poster child for extroverts :smile2: But we understand each other's needs in that area. Heck if he needs to be a social lite I'm not going to bother him about that, I get it. If I like to sit in the car and stare out the window more than talk, he get's that about me. But then it's other mindsets that cause utter disaster and it's the way we look at situations or the way we handle things or respond to things. I tend to think in summary and simplicity. He thinks in such details and asks a zillion questions. Well he get so frustrated by that. I"m like...why? Just because I look at an apple and go, nice red apple and that's all I care about. But you look at it and want to point out and discuss and come to the answer for every nick and discoloration of the apple....heck why does that have to be a fight??????? Sigh. Some things we should be able to just laugh off instead of fighting about. If only I can get him to see this.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> yes he wants it to work but he is driving himself crazy not allowing our differences just to be that. I've been trying to show him how to live more in a place of acceptance and not feel like he has to understand everything. Long as we communicate why we do the things we do and we come to an understanding, there doesn't always have to be agreement. Then the things that we need to discuss because the difference is a problem, let's talk and come to a place of compromise. I thought this was going to be the solution but I"m finding I do it but he is struggling. I just don't want to wear myself out. Yes we started going to counseling. Maybe it will help.
> 
> I wanted to know if anyone else has this issue and what are they doing to help make the marriage work or did you just divorce because it was too hard?


Almost every marriage has this issue at one time or another.
But If he were here I'd tell him where to go and how to understand the WAY you love him. 
He is idealistically in love with you. He thinks you should be the same with him.
We all do this. 
Only age, experience or education about inter-sexual dynamics will help him. MC will not likely go into this...
He needs to learn how to communicate with you, not with words, but with his actions.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> yes he wants it to work but he is driving himself crazy not allowing our differences just to be that. I've been trying to show him how to live more in a place of acceptance and not feel like he has to understand everything. Long as we communicate why we do the things we do and we come to an understanding, there doesn't always have to be agreement. Then the things that we need to discuss because the difference is a problem, let's talk and come to a place of compromise. I thought this was going to be the solution but I"m finding I do it but he is struggling. I just don't want to wear myself out. Yes we started going to counseling. Maybe it will help.
> 
> I wanted to know if anyone else has this issue and what are they doing to help make the marriage work or did you just divorce because it was too hard?


My wife and I are extremes - there are things that we are extremely similar on, and things that we are extremely dissimilar on. We find ways to make it work and mostly have made the incongruities work.

I guess it depends on what it is. What bothers him?


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Marduk said:


> My wife and I are extremes - there are things that we are extremely similar on, and things that we are extremely dissimilar on. We find ways to make it work and mostly have made the incongruities work.
> 
> I guess it depends on what it is. What bothers him?


Marduk...I believe alot of it is his personal issues. He gets set in his way of thinking and thinks anything contrary is wrong. His famous line "I have no place of reference for that". It's like he's so closed minded to other schools of thought and ways of doing things. When something I do (or anyone else) clashes with his experiences, knowledge or normal......he really has a hard time. I didn't realize how bad that was until marriage. So he can ask me a question about something and if my answer is not what makes sense to him...bam...argument! At 65 I just thought he would be more relaxed. Just chill and stop making issues out of things he should be letting go. 

I think I just have to learn to let him work out his issues and not engage in the battle. I say what I need to say and walk away. Nothing we are different on is earth shattering to me. It's just different. Like we ended up in a ugly argument because I forgot to text him when I got to work. Are you kidding me? That should have been a "oops my bad hun, totally forgot" "Ok hun, love you." Noooooooooooooooooooo. So again he has underlying issues I think need to be addressed. Sigh.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> Marduk...I believe alot of it is his personal issues. He gets set in his way of thinking and thinks anything contrary is wrong. His famous line "I have no place of reference for that". It's like he's so closed minded to other schools of thought and ways of doing things. When something I do (or anyone else) clashes with his experiences, knowledge or normal......he really has a hard time. I didn't realize how bad that was until marriage. So he can ask me a question about something and if my answer is not what makes sense to him...bam...argument! At 65 I just thought he would be more relaxed. Just chill and stop making issues out of things he should be letting go.
> 
> I think I just have to learn to let him work out his issues and not engage in the battle. I say what I need to say and walk away. Nothing we are different on is earth shattering to me. It's just different. Like we ended up in a ugly argument because I forgot to text him when I got to work. Are you kidding me? That should have been a "oops my bad hun, totally forgot" "Ok hun, love you." Noooooooooooooooooooo. So again he has underlying issues I think need to be addressed. Sigh.


Can you give some other examples?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MZMEE said:


> Marduk...I believe alot of it is his personal issues. He gets set in his way of thinking and thinks anything contrary is wrong. His famous line "I have no place of reference for that". It's like he's so closed minded to other schools of thought and ways of doing things. When something I do (or anyone else) clashes with his experiences, knowledge or normal......he really has a hard time. I didn't realize how bad that was until marriage. So he can ask me a question about something and if my answer is not what makes sense to him...bam...argument! At 65 I just thought he would be more relaxed. Just chill and stop making issues out of things he should be letting go.
> 
> I think I just have to learn to let him work out his issues and not engage in the battle. I say what I need to say and walk away. Nothing we are different on is earth shattering to me. It's just different. Like we ended up in a ugly argument because I forgot to text him when I got to work. Are you kidding me? That should have been a "oops my bad hun, totally forgot" "Ok hun, love you." Noooooooooooooooooooo. So again he has underlying issues I think need to be addressed. Sigh.


Have you and he tried marriage counseling? I don't think that he realizes that all these little things he is doing is killing the love between the two of you. It sounds like he is expecting you to accept him for who he is, but he isn't willing to do the same for you.

from what you're saying, I'm not sure this is actually a compatibility issue. I think this may be a "He is turning into a curmudgeon and it makes her miserable" issue.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At 65? No, I doubt he’ll change at this point. I remember your other threads. The issue is his persistent intolerance and controlling nature more than it’s that the two of you are incompatible. Some people might mellow with age but others double-down and I think he’s in the second category.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband seemed to utterly lack the capacity to understand that two people can have different thoughts, feelings and experiences regarding a situation without one of them being WRONG. And, of course, since he considered himself an intelligent, capable, rational person, then it wasn't ever him that was the wrong one. Anyone who thought, behaved, felt, or was even just wired differently from him was - by default - defective in some way, whether just in their thinking or in their entire being. 

It's not the sole reason we are divorced. But it was a huge contributor to a lot of the issues in our marriage that eventually combined to be insurmountable. 

OP, I'm not sure if your husband's self-centeredness rises to the same all-consuming level as my ex-husband's. But I will tell you that this sort of thing can be tough to successfully navigate in a relationship. You're going to need professional help to do it. And, much more challenging, he's going to have to want to fully participate in making changes - to himself, and not just to you.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Ok, so I am a complete bi-sexual liberal, and my ex (who I had the best political and economical conversations with) is a total conservative, so we talked, very passionately.

I listened to him, he listened to me.

We met halfway.

That is the true thing here....can you communicate? Can you meet?

If he cannot, and it drives you nuts, that is it.

Communication is key.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, you have not really given an example that I can understand, but it does sounds like it might be more about control than differences of opinion.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

At 65? Too late... :smile2:


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Can you give some other examples?


Well here is something that just happend last night. So my hubby thinks EVERYTHING he says out of his mouth requires some type of response from me. We are driving in the car and he blurts out "I want some cereal". I didn't say anything. To me...no big deal. People think out loud. Well he got offended and his whole spirit changed when we got in the house. He looked like somebody killed his cat. I kept asking him what's wrong and he says he is good. One of his issues is he gets in his head and will build upon something before he talks about the issue. Sure enough....he tells me what what happend along with extra "spice" and we end up in an argument. ARe you kidding me? Over me not saying anything to your comment.

So here is where we differ. The introvert me feels it's normal to not have to reply to everything you say. He feels it's rude not to say SOMETHING when people talk to you. Incompatible in our thinking. Now I try really hard to accommodate this crazy need of his but I felt it did not require that kind of response because I missed one. Personally I think there are more underlying issues he is not addressing so the little things become big. Like killing a mosquito with a cannon.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Can you give some other examples?





FeministInPink said:


> Have you and he tried marriage counseling? I don't think that he realizes that all these little things he is doing is killing the love between the two of you. It sounds like he is expecting you to accept him for who he is, but he isn't willing to do the same for you.
> 
> from what you're saying, I'm not sure this is actually a compatibility issue. I think this may be a "He is turning into a curmudgeon and it makes her miserable" issue.


Yes, yes and yes! I think you are speaking much truth.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, you have not really given an example that I can understand, but it does sounds like it might be more about control than differences of opinion.


Here are some of our incompatibilities:

I am introverted. He is extroverted.
I think in summary. He thinks in details.
I think by feelings. He thinks by logic.
I like silly, goofy things. He's more reserved.
I am a mover and shaker. He likes the couch.
I think the cup is half full. He thinks the cup is half empty.
I tend to be optimistic. He tends to be pessimistic.
I like less talk. He likes to always talk.
I like more alone time. He likes to be together all the time.
I like small groups. He likes socializing.
I think Facebook is nothing more than a newspaper. He takes Facebook way to serious.
I think going to lunch with the opposite sex is fine. He thinks it's a problem.
I don't need a lot of affection. He wants all kinds of affection.
I don't need a lot of attention. He craves attention.

I can go on about where we are incompatible. (there is a list of compatible things but this wasn't my topic so I won't go into all that).

So I feel with this list there isn't anything earth shattering so we should be able to accept each other without the marriage falling apart. But someone here was right when they said, he is the one that can't deal with MY differences. Most of the stuff on this list I can deal with from him even though it may be annoying. But more arguments have happend because he gets so annoyed by me no matter how much I try to explain or adjust or whatever. It's just crazy. Here my husband has a wife who is really trying to make things work and he keeps finding stupid things to keep a wedge. I don't know. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> Here are some of our incompatibilities:
> 
> I am introverted. He is extroverted.


Doesn't matter. Introversion and extroversion are mostly BS anyway, and exist on a spectrum and are contextual. At work events I'm extremely extroverted, and I score highly on personality tests as extroverted. However, I mostly hate to party especially with people I don't know, except when I don't. 


> I think in summary. He thinks in details.


Doesn't matter. My wife is a planner, and so am I. She thinks sequentially. I think non-linearly. 



> I think by feelings. He thinks by logic.


This has been a problem for me and my wife. Truth depends on how she feels about an event, all the way up to events not actually happening. Truth for me doesn't depend on how I feel about it.

Often, we write things down to avoid confusion.



> I like silly, goofy things. He's more reserved.


We're similar with things like dancing. Take me to a sci-fi convention, and then I'm the goofy one.



> I am a mover and shaker. He likes the couch.


Do you mean he's lazy?



> I think the cup is half full. He thinks the cup is half empty.


In reality, the cup is at 50% capacity. Both of your thinking is incomplete.



> I tend to be optimistic. He tends to be pessimistic.


Neither optimism nor pessimism actually reflect reality. My advice here is to see actual reality, then use optimism and pessimism as the mental tools they are.



> I like less talk. He likes to always talk.


I think you'll find a disturbingly large number of women that would love it if their husbands talked to them more. 



> I like more alone time. He likes to be together all the time.


Our solution to this was to build a library. We can comfortably and quietly sit together reading, and be apart and together at the same time. It's how we spend our Sunday mornings, for example.



> I like small groups. He likes socializing.


So let him go socialize. "I'm going out with a couple girlfriends to a movie. You go to the party, I'll meet you at home later."



> I think Facebook is nothing more than a newspaper. He takes Facebook way to serious.


Facebook is 100% garbage and should be ejected from both your lives.



> I think going to lunch with the opposite sex is fine. He thinks it's a problem.


Are you willing to end your marriage if you don't go to these lunches? Will he end your marriage if you do? I suspect you can find an overlap here.

For example, my wife does stuff like this all the time. With guys I know and I'm not suspicious of. With guys I don't know or I am suspicious of, I have a big problem with this.



> I don't need a lot of affection. He wants all kinds of affection.


If you don't want affection, why did you get married?
Conversely, buy him a cat.



> I don't need a lot of attention. He craves attention.


I suspect part of the reason you think you don't need attention is because you always get it from him. That being said, love bomb him a few times a week, and insist on alone or quiet time the rest of the week. You can both win here.



> I can go on about where we are incompatible. (there is a list of compatible things but this wasn't my topic so I won't go into all that).
> 
> So I feel with this list there isn't anything earth shattering so we should be able to accept each other without the marriage falling apart. But someone here was right when they said, he is the one that can't deal with MY differences. Most of the stuff on this list I can deal with from him even though it may be annoying. But more arguments have happend because he gets so annoyed by me no matter how much I try to explain or adjust or whatever. It's just crazy. Here my husband has a wife who is really trying to make things work and he keeps finding stupid things to keep a wedge. I don't know. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.


You don't sound any more or less compatible than my wife and I are. We disagree often on many things: movies, music, politics, raising our kids, religion, budgeting, spending, all kinds of things. 

Hell, she likes country music. Can you believe that? I'm married to someone that likes country music. That's wild. My solution? "Hey wife, can you wear your boots to bed every once in a while?"



> Is it?


I don't know. Is it?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MZMEE said:


> Well here is something that just happend last night. So my hubby thinks EVERYTHING he says out of his mouth requires some type of response from me. We are driving in the car and he blurts out "I want some cereal". I didn't say anything. To me...no big deal. People think out loud. Well he got offended and his whole spirit changed when we got in the house. He looked like somebody killed his cat. I kept asking him what's wrong and he says he is good. One of his issues is he gets in his head and will build upon something before he talks about the issue. Sure enough....he tells me what what happend along with extra "spice" and we end up in an argument. ARe you kidding me? Over me not saying anything to your comment.


This drives my wife nuts. I do that, too. She'll say something that has nothing to do with me, and I'll say nothing. 

What I had to learn was to _acknowledge_ and _validate_ that she said something. Like "I want cereal" would yield an answer from me something like "are you hungry?" or at least an "Ok."

This shouldn't have surprised me. In TCP/IP, for example, there's something called an "ack" packet. All it does is acknowledge the packet was received. If you don't get it, you have to resend the packet, leading to more network traffic if you don't. In the dojo, if your sensei tells you something, you say "hai." Technically, it means 'yes,' but not really yes as in 'I agree,' but yes as in 'I hear you and acknowledge what you say.' To agree with something, I'd say something like "Ee" or "So desu ne" which is a more formal response, and actually means that I agree with you. To say nothing in response would be extremely rude and dismissive.

Which I think is what he's getting at. I think you're actually being a bit rude here if you don't at least say "ok" or nod or something.



> So here is where we differ. The introvert me feels it's normal to not have to reply to everything you say. He feels it's rude not to say SOMETHING when people talk to you. Incompatible in our thinking. Now I try really hard to accommodate this crazy need of his but I felt it did not require that kind of response because I missed one. Personally I think there are more underlying issues he is not addressing so the little things become big. Like killing a mosquito with a cannon.


Logically, we speak to convey information. If you don't acknowledge the conveyance of information, then either you didn't hear it, or you're dismissing it as noise.

Realistically, if he's speaking to you, you should probably acknowledge it somehow. Would you ignore someone that walked into your office and said something? Or your child? 

Why is your husband different?

I'm kinda getting the vibe you don't respect him here, or feel above him or something. Polite society has rules of etiquette. Every relationship carves their own, but you still need them. They are there to avoid conflict.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MZMEE said:


> So my hubby thinks EVERYTHING he says out of his mouth requires some type of response from me. We are driving in the car and he blurts out "I want some cereal". I didn't say anything. To me...no big deal. People think out loud. Well he got offended and his whole spirit changed when we got in the house. He looked like somebody killed his cat. I kept asking him what's wrong and he says he is good. One of his issues is he gets in his head and will build upon something before he talks about the issue. Sure enough....he tells me what what happend along with extra "spice" and we end up in an argument. ARe you kidding me? Over me not saying anything to your comment.
> 
> So here is where we differ. The introvert me feels it's normal to not have to reply to everything you say. He feels it's rude not to say SOMETHING when people talk to you. Incompatible in our thinking. Now I try really hard to accommodate this crazy need of his but I felt it did not require that kind of response because I missed one.


Thanks, that's a great example! I can see some less than ideal things on both sides here. 

"I kept asking him what's wrong and he says he is good." Yeah, that's not helpful by him. So my guess is, he is thinking, he's told you before that he likes a response, you know that, and yet you don't do it. Which to him means, you don't care about him. But him pretending he is good doesn't help. That's kind of passive aggressive. 

"The introvert me feels it's normal to not have to reply to everything you say. ...Now I try really hard to accommodate this crazy need of his" - but not if you think of it as "crazy". That's contempt. You are different from each other, and that should be OK, but not if you think it means he's crazy. 

By the way, I don't think that's about introversion. I am strongly introvert, but I wouldn't like it at all if I spoke to someone and they blanked me. In speaking to you, he is making what we call "a bid for connection", an attempt to communicate, even if it's not the most elegant of conversation-starters . And it's best to respond to bids for connection. Maybe your non-response was because of the tension between you, rather than because of introversion. I am guessing you felt irritated by his "cereal" blurt. 

None of this sounds like incompatibility to me, it sounds like things have ended up in a high-tension situation where things quickly get taken the wrong way.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Marduk said:


> Realistically, if he's speaking to you, you should probably acknowledge it somehow. Would you ignore someone that walked into your office and said something? Or your child?
> 
> Why is your husband different?
> 
> I'm kinda getting the vibe you don't respect him here, or feel above him or something. Polite society has rules of etiquette. Every relationship carves their own, but you still need them. They are there to avoid conflict.


Yeah, this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you’ll either have to accept him as he is or move on if you can’t.


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