# Wife Wants to Leave



## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.

My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.

So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you physically violent?


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but I haven't struck her in over a year.

Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If I were your wife, I certainly wouldn't return to your home. Why do you feel you have the right to hit your wife? Do you hit your children?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Frithy said:


> Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but *I haven't struck her in over a year.*
> 
> Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.


Sounds like she should have left before. No way I’d live in this situation. No one deserves that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Frithy said:


> My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.
> 
> .


Ok I understand your point of view. 
Now listen because this is important. Do you understand her point of view? Can you please tell us what you think her point of view is.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.
> 
> My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.
> 
> So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.


There is really no stance for getting into a heated argument. When your feelings stir it does not give you carte blanche to raise ones voice. It is abusive. There are ways to convey one's feelings in a calm manner. 

Please advise why any argument must become heated and talked about in inside voices?


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Ok I understand your point of view.
> Now listen because this is important. Do you understand her point of view? Can you please tell us what you think her point of view is.


I think she just wants a peaceful happy life. With the business, she was worried about it failing as we are unable to work during this virus. She's the legal representative for the company, so it'd be her that'd face monetary/legal repercussions if we are unable to service our commitments. So, she was talking about giving up shares to make her position safer. However, I can't just walk away from the business we've put so many years of work into. So, I became enraged with the thought. 

So, yeah, I think she just wants things to be stable, safe, and without risk.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nope, you are ignoring your abusive behavior.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> If I were your wife, I certainly wouldn't return to your home. Why do you feel you have the right to hit your wife? Do you hit your children?


Like spanking? I have a few times. However, I wouldn't compare the two. I've hit them as a disciplinary tactic, I've only ever become physical with my wife when enraged.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Sounds like she should have left before. No way I’d live in this situation. No one deserves that.


You're probably right.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Frithy said:


> You're probably right.


No he’s 100% right. 

I can’t imagine having to walk on egg shells in my own home all the time afraid to upset my husband. Afraid he will break something, or hurt me or my child. That’s a wild thought to have to live every day like that. 

The point of a loving relationship is to be able to be yourself, and not be judged, and be able to talk about what’s on your mind. She can’t do that. She has to be someone else... someone who won’t make her husband mad. 

Home is suppose to be your sanctuary. Where you go after a long hard day. Home is suppose to be a peaceful loving environment. She doesn’t have that. 

I hope she leaves you and finds her peace.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Just .... no.

Control for you has become a poison.

Until you can humble yourself that nothing is in your control, you will alienate everything good in your life.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> No he’s 100% right.
> 
> I can’t imagine having to walk on egg shells in my own home all the time afraid to upset my husband. Afraid he will break something, or hurt me or my child. That’s a wild thought to have to live every day like that.
> 
> ...


I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.

Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Just .... no.
> 
> Control for you has become a poison.
> 
> Until you can humble yourself that nothing is in your control, you will alienate everything good in your life.


But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Frithy said:


> But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?


It's called leadership, and you lead through boundaries... both respecting your boundaries and others.

Anger is little more than blatant disrespect... especially for yourself and is governed in your own fears.

Lose your fear, and you will lose your anger and maltreatment of others.

"their" actions are actions not in your control... only your's are controllable.

Are you saying you have no control of your actions?

If you cannot control yours, how can you lead others in a healthy life?

If we are wise, we walk away from the things that hurt us... for the moment, you wife is choosing wisely.

Your desire to control is costing you greatly, you will lose your family if you do not choose wisely.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.
> 
> Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.



Because you are not the one who has walked on eggshells. Look, I did the heated argument crap with my W. The triggers and my triggers are feather light. At he end of the day it is/was abuse. Yelling all the time or whenever singling out my W or not is abuse. Reading your posts it is similar to me and my anger. Where I put that anger became an issue. In short, anger issues cause a lot of problems. You, like me need to learn to control anger. My anger....my W said get help or she was out. I got help.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?



What important situations require control? You are only left to the whims of others if you let them(your W is at your whim no?) Describe strongly hurt by their actions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, she should have left years ago or you should have been in counseling for the anger and physical violence you've ever directed at your wife.

It can be ok to get angry at times in life, what one does with that anger is the character issue if expressing that anger in harmful ways to a spouse or family member especially. 

Once I heard the it's been over a year since I struck my wife, that was proof positive she should have left.

You have to work on you before there are any chances in your M or any relationship. 

You can do it but you have to realize you are in the wrong.

And kicking the coffee table, breaking stuff in a home? Never.

You're lucky your W never killed you in your sleep. 

It's a positive that you're reaching out to gain other's perspectives. Perhaps start from that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You know the part where she said nothing is wrong. She's afraid of you and she was quietly making plans to get out safely. So her name and credit are on the line for this business and your mad that she doesn't want to tank her credit. Why isn't your name on the business? Let me guess there was some issue already with your credit ... so she stepped up and did this. But you aren't grateful. You are worried about how this impacts her just that you don't want things to happen in a way other than the way you want them to happen then you throw a tantrum breaking furniture.

But she isn't walking around on eggshells? She shouldn't worry that telling you she is divorcing you might trigger you? What are these other triggers? I mean maybe they are reasonable, I mean I'd get pretty mad if my husband slept with someone else. You know how many times my husband has hit me in the 27 years we been married? I mean we have had financial issues, hidden bad credit, a sick child, death a parent, mental issues, MIL living with us, a failed business, sexual ups and downs, weight ups and downs, sleeping in separate beds ... 0 times. Not once. 27 years. 

So what is so triggering that prior to the last year you just had to hit her? 

To answer your only real question. I think she made a desperate attempt to leave you and get away from the hostile environment. I think once she is with her parents, if they are good parents, they will do everything in their power to make sure she doesn't come back if they know anything about your lives. I think that some people despite knowing it isn't good for them return to spouses they shouldn't so I guess there is a chance she will be back. But I pray to god she doesn't come back. And I wish you would answer some of my questions, I pray you find a way to truly put yourself in her place, think about someone treating you the way you have treated her and find some empathy. Then you call her and tell her you will do whatever is in your power to help her untangle herself from this business so that as she moves forward being the mother of your children she will have the credit to be able to get a good apartment or buy a car or whatever she needs to do.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're lucky your W never killed you in your sleep.


I have jokingly told my husband that if he ever did hit me he better kill me cause I might not be as strong as him and it might take me hours to get off the floor. But I will get up and I don't stop. 

I say jokingly because I have never had one worry about physical violence from him.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It's called leadership, and you lead through boundaries... both respecting your boundaries and others.
> 
> Anger is little more than blatant disrespect... especially for yourself and is governed in your own fears.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure anyone sees me as a leader. I always try to use reason to convey my ideas and wants. However, if reason fails, feeling helpless is a very scary thing. Still, I believe every person is as in control of their actions as anyone else. I'm not claiming to be especially inculpable.



Yeswecan said:


> Because you are not the one who has walked on eggshells. Look, I did the heated argument crap with my W. The triggers and my triggers are feather light. At he end of the day it is/was abuse. Yelling all the time or whenever singling out my W or not is abuse. Reading your posts it is similar to me and my anger. Where I put that anger became an issue. In short, anger issues cause a lot of problems. You, like me need to learn to control anger. My anger....my W said get help or she was out. I got help.





Yeswecan said:


> What important situations require control? You are only left to the whims of others if you let them(your W is at your whim no?) Describe strongly hurt by their actions.


When I rage, it is to attain an outcome which I felt was escaping me with persuasion. It's not that I want to be angry, it's that I'm afraid to let the situation play out how I fear and have not been able to effect the outcome I wanted with peaceful words. Here is a list of all things that have brought this about in me within the last ten years:

1. Wife befriending other males. I fear friendship could lead to stronger feelings. People are fickle. I once had a girlfriend in my youth that befriended another boy. In anger, I told her I was done with her and said many mean words. However, I was proven right when she began dating that boy several months later. That re-enforced my view that friendship between a man and woman is impossible. Once, when we hired a new man to our company, my wife took him out to interview him over lunch. When I heard of this, I threatened him harm if he ever were to speak to her after that. I also had an argument with her, non-physical. Most of our fights would fall into this category whether because of real or only perceived connections.

2. Wife wanted to follow the business plan of another investor at our company over the one I had presented. I was deeply hurt by the idea of her standing with him on the issue and not me. So, I threw some things around and yelled at them both. I also cried and felt betrayed.

3. Wife went to a club after an argument over something frivolous. When I found she had gone out drinking, I became enraged and beat her.

4. The most recent with her wanting to give up our shares of the company. I already described what happened above.

So, here is my dirty laundry. I'm sure I will be condemned for it all, but whatever.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> You know the part where she said nothing is wrong. She's afraid of you and she was quietly making plans to get out safely. So her name and credit are on the line for this business and your mad that she doesn't want to tank her credit. Why isn't your name on the business? Let me guess there was some issue already with your credit ... so she stepped up and did this. But you aren't grateful. You are worried about how this impacts her just that you don't want things to happen in a way other than the way you want them to happen then you throw a tantrum breaking furniture.
> 
> But she isn't walking around on eggshells? She shouldn't worry that telling you she is divorcing you might trigger you? What are these other triggers? I mean maybe they are reasonable, I mean I'd get pretty mad if my husband slept with someone else. You know how many times my husband has hit me in the 27 years we been married? I mean we have had financial issues, hidden bad credit, a sick child, death a parent, mental issues, MIL living with us, a failed business, sexual ups and downs, weight ups and downs, sleeping in separate beds ... 0 times. Not once. 27 years.
> 
> ...



I'm not a citizen in this country and have other paperwork issues that prevent me from legally owning anything here. It's complex, but I haven't done anything to destroy my credit or whatnot. Maybe her feelings are really like you've described. I certainly hope that is not the case. I've never tried to contain her and I've always told her when we fight that if she truly doesn't wish to be with me, she can leave and I will do everything in my power to help her find her footing. These aren't hollow words. I truly want her to have a good and happy life. Preferably with me, but, if not, then wherever she can find it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So basically if she doesn't give you your way you use violence to get the outcome you want. And you don't see how that might make her live in fear of having true conversations and connections with you?

So do you think she will want to return as the way things stand? Are you offering her anything? Do you not see a problem with the behavior? Why does the whole world have to go your way? 

I appreciate that you came and answered the questions. So in your story you have only hit her once? Of course beat is way more than one hit. Have you thought about how you would feel if any time you wanted to do something different that your wife she reacted this way. What if when she thought the business might do better following a different plan (she actually had a thought of her own) She hired The Rock to come break some things. 

Do you keep to the same rules. You don't talk to other women for any reason even business and you never drink?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and why don't you know how she feels? Do you two not talk about these outbursts? Or do you not listen? I can see you telling her about why you were angry but what does she say? Have you asked her? Do you apologize for the violence? Or do you just let it slide or do you feel justified as you said how can you ignore your passion?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> I'm not sure anyone sees me as a leader. I always try to use reason to convey my ideas and wants. However, if reason fails, feeling helpless is a very scary thing. Still, I believe every person is as in control of their actions as anyone else. I'm not claiming to be especially inculpable.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


1. So you blame you W for making a male friend. Your fears of turning into something else is your fear. You don't give your W a hard time over something that has not happened. You discuss boundaries. 

2. Your W should have discussed working with another investor. Beyond that...your reaction is nothing short of childish.

3. Your W left after an argument. She had a beer and such. You beat her. Damn... you need a restraining order on your arse.

4. I have heard enough. You need are in dire need of IC.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So basically if she doesn't give you your way you use violence to get the outcome you want. And you don't see how that might make her live in fear of having true conversations and connections with you?
> 
> So do you think she will want to return as the way things stand? Are you offering her anything? Do you not see a problem with the behavior? Why does the whole world have to go your way?
> 
> ...





Anastasia6 said:


> Oh and why don't you know how she feels? Do you two not talk about these outbursts? Or do you not listen? I can see you telling her about why you were angry but what does she say? Have you asked her? Do you apologize for the violence? Or do you just let it slide or do you feel justified as you said how can you ignore your passion?


If something affects my future in a significant way, then, yeah, I must fight for the outcome I believe in. What else can I do? Could I accept having a life I was not a party to crafting? Maybe for some that is acceptable, but I refuse that path. I am not a little dictator controlling every facet of her nor anyone's life; nor do I wish to live that way. Yet, when my world is going in a direction I cannot stomach, I must rage against it with every drop of vitality I have. How could I live with myself if I had not?

About the Rock, I would have to fight with all I had and if that was not enough, I would die fighting rather than accept the will of another man imposed upon me in regard to my wife. Honestly, if she conspired with another man to hurt me in any way, things would get very dark; I cannot imagine the rage I would feel. I bear a scar under my left eye from where once there was a tattoo; a memory of a time a man tried to rob me with a knife and my rage boiled up like never since. Still, that would not even compare with the agony and fire my heart would breathe if the one I love conspired against me. It's too painful to consider. So, I won't and I'll move on to the next point.

About the women thing, yeah pretty much. Honestly, I've never been much into philandering. I'm more about chasing dreams. But, yeah, I go out with friends for drinks some times. However, I don't suppose many women are out on the prowl waiting to take my drunk self home once I'm too inebriated to resist. Really, it's apples and oranges.

Yeah, we talk about our feelings after every fight. She says she hates when my eyes turn as it scares her. I say if she wants to be with me, she has to know there are certain things that I cannot accept. We both state our cases, she decides she is done with me, she leaves or doesn't talk to me for a few days, and then we start talking and return happily to life till such a point that we again bicker.

I try not to apologize as I feel it'd be hypocritical. What a lie it would be for me to use force to get everything I want and then pretend to be upset about the results; though, to be honest, I do usually feel a strong sense of guilt for having hurt her in the process. Normally, I just use my body to try to express my emotion, such as trying to embrace her when she's angry or touching her face, etc.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> 1. So you blame you W for making a male friend. Your fears of turning into something else is your fear. You don't give your W a hard time over something that has not happened. You discuss boundaries.
> 
> 2. Your W should have discussed working with another investor. Beyond that...your reaction is nothing short of childish.
> 
> ...


1. Yeah, you are completely right. They are my own insecurities and not because of anything she has ever done to hurt me. It's definitely not fair to her.

2. I've heard from friends the same. Maybe I'm immature in this regard, I tend to hear it a lot. But should I stay in the closet and repress my emotions?

3. I don't know what to say to this

4. Is IC Marriage counseling? I feel I'd just be putting a dagger into my chest if I went down that road. I know you all see me as the bad guy. I know they will treat me just the same. Maybe it's true and maybe I deserve to be beaten and thrown out from this world, but here I am and I must fight to be me and to live my life.

Honestly, I don't know. I don't know what to say. It seems I am a big piece of **** and my wife deserves much better. Maybe. Maybe it's like this. yeah


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So the business doesn't effect her? 
She says you scare her but that's ok with you because you have gotten your way. You can go out and drink when you want but she can't. And it is ok because.....

Again. I hope she doesn't return. You fight for your life but I hope you find yourself alone. That way the fight won't harm others like your wife or your children. You have no remorse so there is not much hope. You have no empathy so there is not going to be change. I hope she clues her parents into the whole scope of your relationship so they will be the support system she is going to need.

Good Luck to you. I pray you find peace.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and for me my husband is my life. So I'd fight like hell to keep him even if that meant I didn't always get my way. I'd do anything for him. See the difference you fight for your life but not your marriage. You fight to keep your wife in line and the business the way you want (even though apparently others are involved and it effects the too). They shouldn't be able to also have a say, just you. 

I don't know about your last little get a sympathy about being the biggest piece of crap. You are selfish. You are violent. You make your wife scared when she should look at you for solace, safety and peace. You don't want to hear that you aren't a good husband so Marriage Counseling won't work. You already know what they are going to say. You've read our posts and aren't so crushed you don't come back but you have no desire to change. Like I said no hope. What exactly do you want in life? Do you think this approach will actually get you there? While you temporarily get what you want in the end you lose what you want. Do you think the other people involved in your business with risk any more of their anything for this business? If this one doesn't succeed do you think they will go in another one with you? 

Oh and lots of foreigners own businesses in the US so sounds like its a very complicated story. Again your wife and these other people put their names and time and at some point I assume money (or did you pay for everything?) on the line for this business but it is only allowed to go your way?

and say you are violent and she can stay or she can go but she stays so that makes it ok is a big cop out. Try reading about domestic violence. I don't know why I'm still typing I just hope to find some empathy or something in you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> 1. Yeah, you are completely right. They are my own insecurities and not because of anything she has ever done to hurt me. It's definitely not fair to her.
> 
> 2. I've heard from friends the same. Maybe I'm immature in this regard, I tend to hear it a lot. But should I stay in the closet and repress my emotions?
> 
> ...


1. Good on you for recognizing insecurities, although sometime warranted by others actions, can not be automatically applied to a person who has done nothing to draw up insecurities.

2. There is a way to express emotions. Yelling is ok. Just do it at the sky. Your emotions when expressed calmly will be heard. Yelling tends to shut the listener down. I can tell you, my W would shut down fast when I raised my voice. I took me time to learn to speak over disagreements and not yell. I still work on it today.

3. No hitting.

4. IC is individual counseling. Or you can look up anger control/anger issues on the internet. You will be surprised. Reading up on it and practicing some techniques to control my anger has helped my marriage quite a bit. My marriage is on a different level now with controlling my anger.

****Sir, I was and felt like a big piece of crap after I finally realized my actions and yelling was ABUSE. My W deserved better and I'm glad she gave me one more chance to figure my crap out. I did and for the better. And, I feel better about our disagreements. We discuss it like adults and resolve our differences quickly. Life is much better.

And my approach to my W was hat in hand apologizing for my actions and owning up to what I was doing was completely abusive. I owned it and blamed no one but myself. Then I set off to fix myself.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh and for me my husband is my life. So I'd fight like hell to keep him even if that meant I didn't always get my way. I'd do anything for him. See the difference you fight for your life but not your marriage. You fight to keep your wife in line and the business the way you want (even though apparently others are involved and it effects the too). They shouldn't be able to also have a say, just you.
> 
> I don't know about your last little get a sympathy about being the biggest piece of crap. You are selfish. You are violent. You make your wife scared when she should look at you for solace, safety and peace. You don't want to hear that you aren't a good husband so Marriage Counseling won't work. You already know what they are going to say. You've read our posts and aren't so crushed you don't come back but you have no desire to change. Like I said no hope. What exactly do you want in life? Do you think this approach will actually get you there? While you temporarily get what you want in the end you lose what you want. Do you think the other people involved in your business with risk any more of their anything for this business? If this one doesn't succeed do you think they will go in another one with you?
> 
> ...


I don't want to be banned, so I won't say my feelings about the others involved in the business besides my wife and myself, but suffice it to say I highly regret bringing them in and giving them a share. 

No, I wasn't looking for sympathy; I was just typing out what went through my mind at that time. I've been banned from four different sites recently for unrelated threads. In each thread I just stated my position on various issues and people labelled me all types of terrible things before finally a troll and banning me. The pattern is there to be notice. I get it. I'm a big piece of **** and everyone hates me. Cool. I've been fighting to defend my beliefs since I was a child, it's lonely but nothing new. Are my dreams so shallow? I don't believe so. Also, I believe my heart is very large and filled with love for this world and all people. Do you know what I want from life? I want to be a farmer and have a little plot of land where I can grow my crops and build things with my own hands. I dream my kids will be able to run around outside and not spend every day in these concrete boxes a hundred feet in the sky. I dream my wife will be able to find some hobbies that make her happy and find a sense of purpose in doing these things. 

Will this approach give me those things? I don't know. I don't. Really, what can I do? Should I roll over to the wills of others? Should I accept my wife running around to bars and drinking with other men? Should I accept these people running my business into the ground with their lack of foresight? I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to alienate myself. But, I refuse to be this world's fool. Hell, maybe I already am. It is what it is.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> I don't want to be banned, so I won't say my feelings about the others involved in the business besides my wife and myself, but suffice it to say I highly regret bringing them in and giving them a share.
> 
> No, I wasn't looking for sympathy; I was just typing out what went through my mind at that time. I've been banned from four different sites recently for unrelated threads. In each thread I just stated my position on various issues and people labelled me all types of terrible things before finally a troll and banning me. The pattern is there to be notice. I get it. I'm a big piece of **** and everyone hates me. Cool. I've been fighting to defend my beliefs since I was a child, it's lonely but nothing new. Are my dreams so shallow? I don't believe so. Also, I believe my heart is very large and filled with love for this world and all people. Do you know what I want from life? I want to be a farmer and have a little plot of land where I can grow my crops and build things with my own hands. I dream my kids will be able to run around outside and not spend every day in these concrete boxes a hundred feet in the sky. I dream my wife will be able to find some hobbies that make her happy and find a sense of purpose in doing these things.
> 
> Will this approach give me those things? I don't know. I don't. Really, what can I do? Should I roll over to the wills of others? Should I accept my wife running around to bars and drinking with other men? Should I accept these people running my business into the ground with their lack of foresight? I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to alienate myself. But, I refuse to be this world's fool. Hell, maybe I already am. It is what it is.



The only response I can offer is your idea of how the world should turn and the path required to make that happen is not working. Thus the reason you are here looking for support for your actions in your first post to finally digesting others ideas that what you are doing is simply not going to work for what you want to obtain for you family. Time to start looking at a different path/attitude to your goal. A spouse who is loved, respected and treated well is your best ally.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> 1. Good on you for recognizing insecurities, although sometime warranted by others actions, can not be automatically applied to a person who has done nothing to draw up insecurities.
> 
> 2. There is a way to express emotions. Yelling is ok. Just do it at the sky. Your emotions when expressed calmly will be heard. Yelling tends to shut the listener down. I can tell you, my W would shut down fast when I raised my voice. I took me time to learn to speak over disagreements and not yell. I still work on it today.
> 
> ...


My eyes are wet reading this. I want that. I want that life you've described. But, I'm scared and I don't want to be let down. I don't think I'm trusting enough to go down this road. What happens when I'm betrayed and all the faith I've put in her is shown to have been a mistake? I don't want to be hurt and I especially don't want to be on my knees when it happens.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

What happens when your actions drive her away and you don't see her or your children? Will you be ok because you are on your feet, fist in the sky?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> My eyes are wet reading this. I want that. I want that life you've described. But, I'm scared and I don't want to be let down. I don't think I'm trusting enough to go down this road. What happens when I'm betrayed and all the faith I've put in her is shown to have been a mistake? I don't want to be hurt and I especially don't want to be on my knees when it happens.


Sir, I was engaged to my HS sweetheart. Ring and all. Went off to college 2 hours away. We would talk on the phone and write letters. Then it stopped on her end. I went to my fiance' house only to find her sucking face with a douche bag that worked in a shop next to hers. I took me many years to trust another. I understand that feeling. I did find that other. Even then I was leery. We are now married 26 years. Most trust worth loving woman. It was not always perfect...not until I straightened out my anger issues. Don't dwell what could happen. Work on yourself and marriage to prevent those things that could happen.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Frithy said:


> Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but I haven't struck her in over a year.
> 
> Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.


She should leave you. 

You know that, right?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Frithy said:


> I'm not sure anyone sees me as a leader. I always try to use reason to convey my ideas and wants. However, if reason fails, feeling helpless is a very scary thing. Still, I believe every person is as in control of their actions as anyone else. I'm not claiming to be especially inculpable.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say that you should be condemned on all of it. However, that does not mean that you have the right to become enraged and beat others severely.
Point 1, you have a legitimate beef. Would she be a happy camper if you did the same?
Point 2, I'm assuming is commingled with point 4. Why would anyone want to give up shares unless it is a buyout? Without specifics, it is hard to say whether or not it is a legit move. I could understand being upset, and expressing such in a professional manner, but throwing things around and yelling? They made you cry? Why would you give them the satisfaction?
Point 3, I would not be happy with my wife going out to a club (alone or with anyone but me.) She would say the same thing about me. You have a legit beef on that one. You might even be justified with a reasonable marital consequence from that; however, you do not have the right to become enraged to the point that you administer a beat down.

I'd say you need to forget about your marriage and worry about fixing yourself.
You are a threat to yourself and your spouse. Let her go.
Invest in yourself and learn how to better cope with the trials and tribulations of life.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Frithy said:


> But without control over an important situation, you are left to the whims of others. What if you are strongly hurt by their actions?


Hitting someone and forcing them to your view or opinion is NOT control.
It is FORCE. It is FEAR.

Look, you CANNOT control anyone else, no matter what you think. You may have cowed your wife with your actions so that you THOUGHT you were in control of the situation and won the argument. I GUARANTEE you did not -- you didn't change her mind or her thoughts. You made HER not vocalize those because of fear. 
THAT is not control.

You want control? COMMUNICATE -- talk, rationalize, make cogent arguments to try and convince-- but even that doesn't insure that you will convince someone.
You can ONLY control YOUR reactions to things.

PLEASE do yourself a favor -- make an appointment with an anger management specialist.
YES you are emotional, but letting emotions run away to the point where you intimidate or hit your spouse or kids? So, you didn't CONTROL that very well did you? You didn't CONTROL your emotions. YOU need to get this worked out for your OWN life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can not beat loyalty into a person. But, you can beat it out of them.

You have no business being a husband or a father until you get that anger under control. Grow up.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Tell us more about the pain and anger of your childhood.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Marduk said:


> She should leave you.
> 
> You know that, right?


Reading all I've typed out, I imagine she probably should.



Tdbo said:


> I wouldn't say that you should be condemned on all of it. However, that does not mean that you have the right to become enraged and beat others severely.
> Point 1, you have a legitimate beef. Would she be a happy camper if you did the same?
> Point 2, I'm assuming is commingled with point 4. Why would anyone want to give up shares unless it is a buyout? Without specifics, it is hard to say whether or not it is a legit move. I could understand being upset, and expressing such in a professional manner, but throwing things around and yelling? They made you cry? Why would you give them the satisfaction?
> Point 3, I would not be happy with my wife going out to a club (alone or with anyone but me.) She would say the same thing about me. You have a legit beef on that one. You might even be justified with a reasonable marital consequence from that; however, you do not have the right to become enraged to the point that you administer a beat down.
> ...


It's refreshing to find someone that doesn't tell me I'm insane for not liking my wife to cavort with other men. My previous perception was that most online seem to be of the opinion cuckoldry is normal and healthy. As for point two, she's afraid that we will be unable to pay the building's rent in July because we have no money coming in during this virus. I'm of the opinion that we will be able to pull something off, what exactly depends upon when we can open. As for giving anyone satisfaction, it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't mind if others see me as weak, as long as they do not treat me as such.



jlg07 said:


> Hitting someone and forcing them to your view or opinion is NOT control.
> It is FORCE. It is FEAR.
> 
> Look, you CANNOT control anyone else, no matter what you think. You may have cowed your wife with your actions so that you THOUGHT you were in control of the situation and won the argument. I GUARANTEE you did not -- you didn't change her mind or her thoughts. You made HER not vocalize those because of fear.
> ...


I don't think there is anger management where I live. Also, I'm flat broke and couldn't afford it at this point. I watched the movie with Adam Sandler and didn't like it at all, if that is the direction of how it goes. I don't want anyone to try to rile me. I just want to live peacefully.



Blondilocks said:


> You can not beat loyalty into a person. But, you can beat it out of them.
> 
> You have no business being a husband or a father until you get that anger under control. Grow up.


Yeah, I suspect as much. It's disheartening the know you cannot do anything to have others see you the way you wish to be seen.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh you can have others see you the way you wish to be seen but anger isn't the way to go unless you want to be seen as an angry, violent untrustworthy partner. 

If you wish to be seen as strong, well the truly strong are not afraid of life or others opinions.

No one here suggested cuckholdry. That is you once again going off the deep end. Taking an employee to lunch to interview them is a normal thing. Did you ever think she might have wanted to interview him away from you because you can't be trusted to make unilateral decisions without any input from her or you'll throw a tantrum? Do you reallllllly think she was attracted to this guy and was trying to sneak behind your back? If so why would you want to be married to her? You don't beat her or threaten the guy which is illegal you divorce her. 

And going to a bar doesn't necessarily mean she was flirting, drinking or ****ing some guy. Again if she did have sex after going to the bar then divorce her cheating ass. No you were mad that she dared go out because she was mad at you. You were mad because you had an argument.

If you want people to see you a certain way. Decide what that is and act appropriate to that way. Cause right now you are just acting like a selfish angry bully.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If you are in the U.S., see if your county has resources you can use to get help -- they usually do.
In addition, Anger management is for the counselor to show you how to keep your emotions under YOUR rational control. That's what it's for -- so that you don't strike out. 
If your wife wanted to, she could have reported you to the police. You would be in JAIL right now, and have a restraining order that you could NOT see your wife, kids, or go back to your house.
Is THAT how you want to live?

You are making excuses here why you can't do this or fix anything. Why don't you make reasons why you can and WILL?


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Tell us more about the pain and anger of your childhood.


Mother abandoned me as an infant, sister was murdered by mom's boyfriend, mum went to prison, half-brother had serious emotional problems and would attack me randomly, had coke-bottle glasses, speech impediment so strong they thought I was mentally retarded until third grade, moved often, no friends, et cetera.

My past is behind me and I do not have any negative feelings about it. My nature is my own and is current and evolving. Do not try to box me in with these things as fitting some model that explains away my existence and feelings. Do I consider myself misunderstood by society? Yes, I do and I resent that. Does it have anything to do with my childhood? No, not at all except that the pattern had emerged even then.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Frithy said:


> Reading all I've typed out, I imagine she probably should.
> 
> 
> 
> It's refreshing to find someone that doesn't tell me I'm insane *for not liking my wife to cavort with other men.* My previous perception was that most online seem to be of the opinion cuckoldry is normal and healthy. the opinion that we


Sir, it would be abnormal to have many people say it's ok for their spouse to have affairs. 

It's normal and true that most all married men would also be very angry.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh you can have others see you the way you wish to be seen but anger isn't the way to go unless you want to be seen as an angry, violent untrustworthy partner.
> 
> If you wish to be seen as strong, well the truly strong are not afraid of life or others opinions.
> 
> ...


I don't think she had any intention to do something with him behind my back. I just don't want the possibility of a relationship between them evolving. As for the business, we started with only 3,000 USD and grew out all under my leadership and decisions. That is what is so frustrating, the record shows I know how to make this work, but I am still treated otherwise. I fear I project weakness or something. I cannot understand why my previous success does not translate over into respect for my strategies.



jlg07 said:


> If you are in the U.S., see if your county has resources you can use to get help -- they usually do.
> In addition, Anger management is for the counselor to show you how to keep your emotions under YOUR rational control. That's what it's for -- so that you don't strike out.
> If your wife wanted to, she could have reported you to the police. You would be in JAIL right now, and have a restraining order that you could NOT see your wife, kids, or go back to your house.
> Is THAT how you want to live?
> ...


I'm not in the U.S. and I am pretty sure there is no help here.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Frithy, if you post the country, there are many on here from around the world and may have better information for you to get this type of counseling. 
If nothing specific, I bet an individual counselor can help you with techniques to handle your emotions from becoming too overwhelming. I can't think of ANY country that doesn't have counseling.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> I don't think there is anger management where I live. Also, I'm flat broke and couldn't afford it at this point. I watched the movie with Adam Sandler and didn't like it at all, if that is the direction of how it goes. I don't want anyone to try to rile me. I just want to live peacefully.


The internet is full of places to learn and control anger. Search anger management. You will find plenty. First search, "is yelling in anger abusive". See what is written. You will realize what you have been doing is wrong and how a person the anger is direct reacts. Then read up on how to control it. This is how I got to a place where I live in peace with my W.

It is the old cliche'. Admitting you have a problem is your first step. Keep posting here. We do want to help.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> It's refreshing to find someone that doesn't tell me I'm insane for not liking my wife to cavort with other men. My previous perception was that most online seem to be of the opinion cuckoldry is normal and healthy. As for point two, she's afraid that we will be unable to pay the building's rent in July because we have no money coming in during this virus. I'm of the opinion that we will be able to pull something off, what exactly depends upon when we can open. As for giving anyone satisfaction, it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't mind if others see me as weak, as long as they do not treat me as such.


And I, like you, do not subscribe to a W going out for drinks with OM. My W will go to dinner with her GF and have a few drinks. That is it. I don't go to the bars alone either. Mutual respect for our boundaries. And, if one's W is truly happy in the marriage, by and large, she will want to spent the free time with their H. 

Maybe inquire with the rental office and a reduced or small partial payment for rent. A lot are in the same boat. Heck, my insurance company gave me a small refund on my car insurance. Strange times. Just ask. Worst they can say is no.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Anyway, I feel I've said too much of myself. Suddenly, I feel my life is very open and exposed. My thought wasn't for this. I will see what my wife does from here. If I don't post later, I thank every one that has replied. Now, there are many things for me to consider and I will take the next few days alone to reflect on this.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Frithy, I just had to comment on this statement:

. As for giving anyone satisfaction, it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't mind if others see me as weak, as long as they do not treat me as such. 

You will get much further in life (and spend less time in jail) being mentally tough and working through problems through an intellectual perspective, then you will from being physically tough (self defense, excluded.)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> Anyway, I feel I've said too much of myself. Suddenly, I feel my life is very open and exposed. My thought wasn't for this. I will see what my wife does from here. If I don't post later, I thank every one that has replied. Now, there are many things for me to consider and I will take the next few days alone to reflect on this.


You may want to take the initiative and not wait for your W. It may be a good time to state your actions/reaction are wrong. You have come to realize that. What plan you have to make this right for you, your W and your marriage. Then do it. Actions count. Words are just that. Become a very open person to your W. We are just blokes behind a keyboard but care none-the-less.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You have a right to your emotions, including anger.

You do not have a right to express your emotions in emotionally or physically abusive ways.

Do not confuse the expression with the emotion. You feel an emotion. You choose the expression.

Instead of reacting, learn to respond instead.

And honestly, give her an amicable divorce if she wants one. Get a lawyer.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Frithy said:


> Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.
> 
> My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.
> 
> So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.


Only she knows if she will come back or not. No point in guessing. The fact remains that she left and it sounds like she was clear as to why she made the decision. My concern is the kids. Everyone has emotions, we’re human beings. But there is also a thing called self-control. Being around someone who throws a fit of rage is scary and intimidating. I really hope you don’t take your anger at the situation on your children. This has nothing to do with them.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Appreciate your openness. IMO: FOO issues do influence our lives--especially some that occurred in yours. (There must be rage and helplessness in your inner child's psyche). Abandonment issues are primary. You are working on becoming a survivor and not a victim. Hope you do come back here.

When you react to someone else instead of acting like you wish to act, you are handing them control of yourself. This is essentially letting them live rent-free in your head. Deep down you cannot be happy with your inner rage--your inability to maintain self control. When we get so angry that we lose control, we do damage to ourselves and others. I have said before, anger is like acid, it eats away at the container that holds it. You can find much free stuff about anger control and self discipline online. (IMO: the movie was trash.) 

You sound to me like no one ever taught you some important life lessons that rightfully should have been introduced in childhood. Perhaps this was because chaos reigned. It is sort of like someone is asking you to speak Japanese when you do not know the language or even the alphabet. Then 'they' get frustrated that you flounder. 

Abuse is unacceptable. Do not pass on the abuse of your childhood to others (especially those you love) any longer. As you grow, trust should improve, you will find some particles of peace. Seek out meditation, yoga, exercise--even walking. Read the insight of wiser folks than you or I. Take control of your temper by declaring that you need a time out--you are still in charge, just pushing the stop button.

Change is hard--takes guts and determination.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Frithy said:


> I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.
> 
> Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.


Potentially hurt her? You have actually hurt her. Emotionally and physically.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Summarizing - you want your wife and business associates behave tge way You want and do what You want. Because that’s tge only way you can accept it. No discussions, no brainstorming over business plan to come up with best idea, just your rule. Fine.
But why is it good for you to have things your way and your way only, but not for your wife? Can she have things Her way?
No, she can not, at least not without risking a beating.
but you can because you have more muscle and can over rule her with just one fist, right?

that dream that you have of children running around tge farm and your wife blissfully happy there - they won’t happen if you do not have family to share them with. Your anger won’t disappear when you buy a house, it will go there with you.
and if she and the children are still there -this may become their nightmare: far from neighbors, isolated, with raging father/husband, never feeling safe. 
Your family does not feel safe with you - and you keep thinking that’s ok.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

So, I called her a few days ago and she said she was planning to come back. She still had some coldness about her, but I figured it was because the emotion was still fresh. However, today I called and her attitude was very cold. Now, I had been nothing but kind on the phone call. I asked how the trip was going and such. Then, I asked if she was missing me and she said no! I thought she was joking, but it turned out she wasn't. She refused to speak English the entire call, and everything she said was very stand off-ish. She made comments like "I'm not going to try to force you to like me. If you like me and want to be together and I feel the same then everything will be fine. However, I don't want to force myself in a relationship that makes me unhappy". Well, I wasn't calling to fight, quite the opposite actually. What a terrible response. So, I ask if she is having an affair. Why is she suddenly acting this way? She says no and then her attitude becomes even worse and she says I always misunderstand her. Now, I'm full of suspicion. I didn't sleep at all last night and have been feeling this pressure in my heart since we spoke. I'm thinking of running off on my own journey for awhile. How can she suddenly be so cold to me? It completely reminds me of a relationship I had when I was a kid and that girl began treating me this way. Eventually, I found she was having an online relationship with another boy. That girl was my first love and it broke my heart. It's really too cold of an attitude. I cannot believe this is simply over the little spat from last week. How can she say she doesn't miss me?


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

I'm thinking I should go get my kids and leave her. My heart is so full of uncertainty and doubt now. How can she say she doesn't have any feelings of missing me? How is that possible? I can't believe this at all. I really suspect she's up to something.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

I think about her and the kids every day. That's a fact. No matter how much we have ever fought, I have never abandoned them from my heart. This is insane.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

So, now she calls me and says that she does miss me but was just trying to be mean when I called. Then, she tells me about her trip and is laughing, trying to get along, and says she thought about it and doesn't want me to feel bad. I'm very confused. She asked if I felt better but I didn't know what I felt and still don't. I'm trying to ask my heart what I feel, but there is just confusion. I hope this fighting is over. I feel like a character in a movie that's been hoodwinked and has no idea what is happening around him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Frithy said:


> So, now she calls me and says that she does miss me but was just trying to be mean when I called. Then, she tells me about her trip and is laughing, trying to get along, and says she thought about it and doesn't want me to feel bad. I'm very confused. She asked if I felt better but I didn't know what I felt and still don't. I'm trying to ask my heart what I feel, but there is just confusion. I hope this fighting is over. I feel like a character in a movie that's been hoodwinked and has no idea what is happening around him.


Now is the time for you to be very stable no matter what she does.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Yes, I agree. I hope that I can show her how important she is to me.

Post Edited:
My apologies. I was quite inebriated when this was posted. I have edited it to fix the grammar, spelling, and to make it a little less embarrassing.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

One thing I will say very clearly is that my family means the world to me. I do want the best for them.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

A friend of mine invited me out and I had a bit to drink. Right now, I can only think about how much I miss my wife and sons.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Alcohol will not solve your problems. Sleep it off and find the resolve to make it right with your W.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

I have had some citizenship trouble and that has also been a source of stress.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Again, I was posting something about citizenship like above. My apologies for the embarrassing behavior last night.
Post Edited:


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Frithy said:


> Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but I haven't struck her in over a year.
> 
> Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.


I did not read past this.

If I were your wife I would separate until you complete anger management and take full responsibility. Saying "I am emotional, how can I deny it?" would not be sufficient.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Frithy said:


> Mother abandoned me as an infant, sister was murdered by mom's boyfriend, mum went to prison, half-brother had serious emotional problems and would attack me randomly, had coke-bottle glasses, speech impediment so strong they thought I was mentally retarded until third grade, moved often, no friends, et cetera.
> 
> My past is behind me and I do not have any negative feelings about it. My nature is my own and is current and evolving. Do not try to box me in with these things as fitting some model that explains away my existence and feelings. Do I consider myself misunderstood by society? Yes, I do and I resent that. Does it have anything to do with my childhood? No, not at all except that the pattern had emerged even then.


As much as you'd like it, and as confident as you sound about it, your past is not all the way behind you. You are being deeply effected by the things that you went through whether you like it or not. That is how the human existence works. You are no different. I would say you had more problems growing up than the average man, and you seem to have more problems with your anger than the average man. You might think these things are coincidence, but I assure you...they are not. Your angry tendencies, perceived and somewhat proven proclivity towards violence and the appearance of you seemingly numbing with alcohol as you type your newest updates tell me you have a LOT of work to do regarding your past, present and future.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Your last few posts reveal the kind of person you are. Your wife was right to leave. Let her go and do NOT attempt to kidnap your children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Frithy said:


> Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.
> 
> My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.
> 
> So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.


You have a home. Your wife, however, does not have a home. Your wife has a place where she has lived in fear of being beaten, again, and again by someone who can't or who won't control their rages.

She is living in constant fear of the next time you get in a mood you will hit her, again. Or perhaps hit the children.

You are not a very emotional person, you are a violent person who beats his wife. Yes, yes, you have refrained from beating her for a whole year. That's very commendable of you, I'm sure.

Her "crazy ideals" are about wanting a man as her husband who doesn't fly off the handle and start beating her again. That's not crazy. That's the minimum anyone should be able to expect form their spouse!

When your feelings stir what you do is you use your anger management class techniques to make sure you don't get into a rage with your wife and frighten her or hurt her again. Anger management classes. Have you had any? If not, you should.

You might have ruined your marriage and damaged your family because you are somehow under the impression that you are entitled to do whatever you like.

Newsflash! Nobody is ever that entitled.

It's possible that with suitable therapy for you and your wife and children (no child deserves a parent, male or female, who employs violence as a way of controlling their other parent) that you could save your marriage. As a bare minimum therapy could save you even if your marriage and family is beyond saving.

And kidnapping your children would be an exceptionally bad idea.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Frithy This is a message from the Moderation Team. Please stop insulting other members.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Why would she miss you? When last we joined your journey. She can't disagree with you or you get mad. If you get mad then you get violent. She told you she was leaving you and you think that this conversation was going to be ohhhh I miss you so much?

You said you didn't want her to be on egg shells. Well she is expressing to you that she feel like you don't like her or her choices. And instead of that triggering a conversation about how you have been thinking about your actions and you are remorseful and you want to work together to build a better relationship. You automatically think she is having an affair? And instead of wanting your family back which 5 days ago that's all you wanted, now you think oh I should go off on my own. How is that going to work out for the company you were so invested in a few days ago that you drove your wife out of the house with anger?

I sincerely and not trying to be funny here... I think you may have some sort of issue with emotional triggers and empathy for others.

Sure she could be cheating but reread this thread she has plenty of reason to be cold. She also has plenty of reason to want to have an actual conversation and maybe even here you recognize violence like breaking the coffee table isn't acceptable and you will work on anger management or something. Her talking to you at all in my opinion speaks volumes that she may consider returning.

But you can't find your empathy. As long as you head thinks it, it must be right. No one else in the world can be right if they don't agree with you. This needs professional help.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Frithy said:


> Today, we had an argument about our small business and I became heated toward her. She had been planning on going to visit her family later this month, but then went out and immediately bought the tickets for her and the kids. She said nothing was wrong, but her attitude told me otherwise. After pressing the issue, I found that she is planning on leaving me and not coming back. She said I am too violent, she used to think I could change and doesn't now, and that she feels trapped when we fight because she doesn't have any friends or family here.
> 
> My stance was that I'm a very emotional person, have been for the past eleven years we've been together, and had been since before she had ever even known me. When my feelings stir, how can I deny them? I told her that I don't want her to leave, but she is in charge of her own fate and who am I to stop her? Also, I told her that she had probably just been reading some things online or what-not and it had given her some crazy ideals of Disney romance and love.
> 
> So, her ticket is for tomorrow morning. What do you all think will come of this? Will she reach out to me on the train there? Will her feelings for me force her to call me after a few weeks? Or, possible, will this be the end? We have two kids together, so I doubt she'd just disappear. But, maybe, she really will not come back home.


Let her leave. 

If you have personal behavioral issues work on those. 

Make sure you get the kids half the time.....get a lawyer if you need to. 
She can stay gone as long as she wants....forever if she chooses. 
She doesn't have the authority to decide she gets to relocate the kids and for them to not see you at least half of the time. 

Any idea of her thoughts on whether she plans to just keep the kids and decide if and when you get to see them?


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Yesterday, here, I made quite the fool of myself. I'm truly sorry for my behaviour. I remember using some foul language toward some of you as well. To whomever I was less than pleasant to, I know that this was wrong of me. I do appreciate all of the input and advice that has been shared over the past week. You are good people and are taking time out of your lives to help myself and others. Again, my actions were wrong and I apologize.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

secretsheriff said:


> Your last few posts reveal the kind of person you are. Your wife was right to leave. Let her go and do NOT attempt to kidnap your children.


No, I meant I would go pick them up from her. The children would want to come live with me if forced to choose. Also, I think my wife would rather I take them if we were to truly separate. She loves them very much, but I think it'd be too hard for her to be a single mother.



MattMatt said:


> You have a home. Your wife, however, does not have a home. Your wife has a place where she has lived in fear of being beaten, again, and again by someone who can't or who won't control their rages.
> 
> She is living in constant fear of the next time you get in a mood you will hit her, again. Or perhaps hit the children.
> 
> ...


It's a terrible thing to think of. I will never hit her again. Seeing what all I've written and reading all of the comments have definitely swayed me on this issue. I was wrong to put her into such a terrible situation. She has no friends, her family lives far away, and her husband, the one person she had to be there and protect her, was actually her biggest threat. There is a lot of guilt inside of me over this. Last night, while drunken, I sent a video to her. I don't remember what all I said and I deleted it from my phone while drunkenly trying to unsend it, however it was basically me sobbing and apologizing. While those were and are my sentiments, I'm quite embarrassed with how I expressed them. It was pathetic. She was trying to call me a few times this morning but I didn't answer because I don't know what to say about that thing. I feel like such a loser.



Anastasia6 said:


> Why would she miss you? When last we joined your journey. She can't disagree with you or you get mad. If you get mad then you get violent. She told you she was leaving you and you think that this conversation was going to be ohhhh I miss you so much?
> 
> You said you didn't want her to be on egg shells. Well she is expressing to you that she feel like you don't like her or her choices. And instead of that triggering a conversation about how you have been thinking about your actions and you are remorseful and you want to work together to build a better relationship. You automatically think she is having an affair? And instead of wanting your family back which 5 days ago that's all you wanted, now you think oh I should go off on my own. How is that going to work out for the company you were so invested in a few days ago that you drove your wife out of the house with anger?
> 
> ...


I had thought she was angry. If she had said she hated me and such, I'd have felt much better about it than her saying there was no feeling in her for me at all. While I'm sure I sounded quite bitter in my posts, and I was, I had actually been very cordial with her on the phone. Even when I asked if she was seeing someone, I asked it calmly and as an enquiry; not in an aggressive way. With the evidence I had, it seemed to make sense. How is it possible that all of her feelings for me could just vanish because of a fight? So, believing that she truly felt nothing, I could only imagine she must have found someone.



hinterdir said:


> Let her leave.
> 
> If you have personal behavioral issues work on those.
> 
> ...


She called me yesterday and told me she loves me still and will come back. So, it seems everything will return to good.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

I think I am starting to have an epiphany about myself. Here is a story from my youth:

When I was nineteen, I was seeing a girl. She had told me she was a virgin and such and I cared deeply for her. However, one day I was having lunch with a boy from out of town and, when I mentioned her name, he told me that she had performed oral sex on him years back. When confronted with this thought, I became very suspicious and began to reach out to all of her friends to investigate. I finally found that she had been very promiscuous before knowing me. In anger, I left her and began sleeping with her best friend who was also one of my good friends. At first, I just wanted to use her but then I really fell in love with the girl. One night, the ex came drunkenly knocking on my bedroom window late into the night. We walked on the beach and talked a lot. She apologized and told me she was just scared that I wouldn't love her had she been honest about her past. We slept on the beach and then the next morning we made love. Now, I was very confused. Things became complex as I had love in my heart for both of them and didn't want to let either down. Eventually, I decided to join the army to run away. It was a very emotional goodbye and all three of us were crying and such. Also, their friendship was back together and all three of us were friends again. Also, I was sleeping with both of them. But, I had already joined the army so I had to go.

While training in the army, there was a natural disaster back home and I called to see how they were. Apparently, they were not so well. So, I ran away from the army and went back to them. We were all together for several days and nights, but I was worried that there would be legal issues with having run away from my commitment with the military. So, I told them to wait for me and I would go resolve the situation before returning. Now, when I returned they didn't want to let me go. They were impressed by my escape as it was apparently a pretty difficult thing to do and none had been able to for decades. Also, I was top in my group in pretty much everything from physical strength to intelligence tests and also in the various obstacle courses and such. So, I became very angry and began swearing everyone out and such. Eventually, they sent me to a phycologist to see if I was fit to serve. Now, I had always believed that this was just an excuse to allow me to leave such that I had to be proven to be somehow unfit to void the commitment and they were just going through these motions as a formality. Here is the interesting bit, the psychologist diagnosed me as Borderline Personality Disorder and I was allowed to leave. At the time, I thought the diagnosis meant nothing and was just a random label they put on to let me get out. Well, I just opened the Wikipedia article on this and wow. Really, wow. The feeling is like visiting a mystic and them getting something right that seemed impossible to have known. So, I'm going to explore this some. However, I am also conflicted. I'm not sick, I'm a very strong and intelligent man. I really don't like the label at all. Also, I am me. I don't want to change who I am. But, I also don't want my wife to suffer any more. Anyway, so now off to do some reading and soul searching.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Frithy said:


> Anyway, so now off to do some reading and soul searching.


Good for you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frithy said:


> Today, I kicked a coffee table and it hit a cupboard thereby breaking the glass. Previously, I'd be violent toward her when enraged, but I haven't struck her in over a year.
> 
> Regardless, she still finds it pretty scary even when not directed at her and it makes her hate me.


She has every reason to hate you. You are a violent, abusive person.

What you describe here is classic domestic violent. You "only" beat her a few times. So after that you don't have to beat her anymore as that has taught her what will happen if she dares to not do what you want. Now all you have to do is kick and break things. The message is something like "right now I'm just breaking stuff, but next time I just might decide to beat the crap out of you."

She needs to call the police on you every time you start kicking, bashing, breaking things or if you are ever violent against her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Frithy said:


> I'm not sick, I'm a very strong and intelligent man. I really don't like the label at all. Also, I am me. I don't want to change who I am. But, I also don't want my wife to suffer any more. Anyway, so now off to do some reading and soul searching.


Are you happy?

Is your behaviour working for you? Are you proud of it?

Don't think of it in terms like 'sick.' Think of it in terms like 'skillful,' 'beneficial,' or 'harmful.' You are creating harm in others - and yourself. You can choose to stop being this way if you want to.

I hope you make that choice, and I hope you put your ego aside successfully - because it will likely require you to do so.

Losing your temper is not strength. It is weakness. It is also a luxury you can no longer afford to pay for - or ask others to pay for.





__





The Luxury of Anger






www.koryu.com


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, all due respect. You have performed what I refer to in my practice as unforgivable sin. Raising a hand, even if it was a year ago, cripes, ten years ago, is completely unacceptable. You should have undergone analysis and therapy. I am surprised that you have not as yet accrued charges from this behavior. Sorry, I routinely refuse business from men and women who have brutalized a mate. If you cannot keep your hands to yourself, then of course your spouse will not stay in love with you for that long. If your wife was my daughter, you would have a restraining order against you that would make your head spin. NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO RAISE A HAND. You want back? Well at this time I would say your chances are slim and none and slim just left. Get yourself into therapy and do not have word one with your wife until such time as you have completed a course in anger management.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Not much to say to you about the marriage and your relationship with your wife that hasn't already been said by others. Get control of your anger and start there. And for God's sake, don't just ignore it or it will only get worse and you'll find yourself in jail.

I find it interesting that you now mention that you've been diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder). You sort of just tossed that off out of hand, but your psychologist gave you some valuable information that you would be wise to look into. Folks with BPD are notoriously difficult to live with and are especially hard on their significant others. They have a tendency to have multiple failed relationships. 

The basic jist of it though is that they have difficulty regulating their emotions, anger especially. I would suggest therapy, a lot of therapy. Don't hide your issues from your therapist. Look into DBT. Get to work. 

BPD therapy and behavioral modification can take years.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

So, not all rainbows and happy ever afters. I found that my business partner from before has been going around trying to set up a deal to sell off our customers to a competitor. I told him to turn over the company chop to me immediately and he refused. I told him I was representing my wife while she was away and, by law, the chop must be with whom she says. 

Long story short; I tell my wife about his behaviour and she says we should relinquish the company and not fight. WTF? Anyway, I ask her what the h*ll is wrong with her. Is she really so foolish a woman as to give up everything we have worked years to build? We started arguing and, now, she says she is planning to give over the shares to him and be done with the business, done with this city, and done with me! She apparently is happy back home and I'm a giant a**. Well, at-least according to her. Needless to say, I feel a dagger has been pushed through my chest. There is a pressure I cannot put into words pushing out from within my heart. I feel I cannot breathe. At this point, I have no recourse but war. I will have to create a new company and fight for these customers. I've spoken with a lawyer and it seems it may be possible for me to have it in my name. Also, I have lined up other investors to fill in any financial holes.

The man has mortgaged his house for his shares and, if I am to do what I feel I must, it will destroy him. However, my wife is the legal representative and she could also have severe consequences from a bankruptcy. I feel so betrayed by this. What is she thinking? She has chosen her horse, let her suffer with that choice. But I just want her to be a good woman and follow me. Still, I cannot accept this. I want to take everything from this man till he is destitute. I will destroy everything and when I am standing like a phoenix on the ashes of all I have destroyed, I will look down and laugh at these idiots. How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me? Okay, then war it is. I control the customers and the staff. They will lose to me, not me to them.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

I am very upset with all of this.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Frithy said:


> So, not all rainbows and happy ever afters. I found that my business partner from before has been going around trying to set up a deal to sell off our customers to a competitor. I told him to turn over the company chop to me immediately and he refused. I told him I was representing my wife while she was away and, by law, the chop must be with whom she says.
> 
> Long story short; I tell my wife about his behaviour and she says we should relinquish the company and not fight. WTF? Anyway, I ask her what the h*ll is wrong with her. Is she really so foolish a woman as to give up everything we have worked years to build? We started arguing and, now, she says she is planning to give over the shares to him and be done with the business, done with this city, and done with me! She apparently is happy back home and I'm a giant a**. Well, at-least according to her. Needless to say, I feel a dagger has been pushed through my chest. There is a pressure I cannot put into words pushing out from within my heart. I feel I cannot breathe. At this point, I have no recourse but war. I will have to create a new company and fight for these customers. I've spoken with a lawyer and it seems it may be possible for me to have it in my name. Also, I have lined up other investors to fill in any financial holes.
> 
> The man has mortgaged his house for his shares and, if I am to do what I feel I must, it will destroy him. However, my wife is the legal representative and she could also have severe consequences from a bankruptcy. I feel so betrayed by this. What is she thinking? She has chosen her horse, let her suffer with that choice. But I just want her to be a good woman and follow me. Still, I cannot accept this. I want to take everything from this man till he is destitute. I will destroy everything and when I am standing like a phoenix on the ashes of all I have destroyed, I will look down and laugh at these idiots. How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me? Okay, then war it is. I control the customers and the staff. They will lose to me, not me to them.


When you get time, if you get time, you really need some therapy... Probably too young to understand that, I wish you could....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Frithy said:


> I am very upset with all of this.


Your path of continual anger and rage based on your feelings being hurt is eventually going to undo you.

You know that, right?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This one @Marduk and @BluesPower have it it right on the head.

OP, it's when one acts only in blind rage it's a surety that one also gets consumed by the battle.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, while I do agree OP needs anger management counseling, I think he is justified in feeling that he has been betrayed by his business partner AND his wife both. Doing this to him over his company -- especially going behind his back to sell off customers and his wife selling HER shares to the partner so that HE loses control of the company, I AGREE with him. He has no other choice but pursue a new company, and if that affects his partner and wife, well so be it. They are adults and chose their path, he gets to choose his.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> So, while I do agree OP needs anger management counseling, I think he is justified in feeling that he has been betrayed by his business partner AND his wife both. Doing this to him over his company -- especially going behind his back to sell off customers and his wife selling HER shares to the partner so that HE loses control of the company, I AGREE with him. He has no other choice but pursue a new company, and if that affects his partner and wife, well so be it. They are adults and chose their path, he gets to choose his.


But, you get that it is not that he has to do what he has to do, it is his thought process. 

I mean he, and good for him, started the thread by admitting a that he had been physically abusive, and the he had big anger problems. So yeah, maybe she does want to hurt him any way that she can now. 

I am not saying that any of it is right, it just is. In some ways we read what we sow, and I know a lot of us are hoping we don't actually get what we deserve , because that would be horrible. 

But his anger, for whatever reason will be his undoing. He is just too young to see that right now...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I do agree -- as I said, I really DO think he need counseling -- anger for sure, and IC for his own sake. I think IC could help him see the root of his issues so he can improve HIS life for HIMSELF. Without that, I don't see a good LTR in his future.

STILL -- he is getting screwed by his partner and his wife, so while you may view this as karma for him, I have no issues with him fighting back and doing what he needs to do for his own lively hood.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> I do agree -- as I said, I really DO think he need counseling -- anger for sure, and IC for his own sake. I think IC could help him see the root of his issues so he can improve HIS life for HIMSELF. Without that, I don't see a good LTR in his future.
> 
> STILL -- he is getting screwed by his partner and his wife, so while you may view this as karma for him, I have no issues with him fighting back and doing what he needs to do for his own lively hood.


Were he viewing things objectively, I would agree. It's clear he is not. For all we know, these people are trying to protect themselves from him.

I find this bit very troubling:



Frithy said:


> She has chosen her horse, let her suffer with that choice. But I just want her to be a good woman and follow me. Still, I cannot accept this. I want to take everything from this man till he is destitute. I will destroy everything and when I am standing like a phoenix on the ashes of all I have destroyed, I will look down and laugh at these idiots.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

So, I have had some time to cool down. I spoke with my grandmother for some time about all of this and have had a bit of a shift in perspective. Honestly, I value my relationship with my wife more than this business. I can always start over and build my way back up. However, I definitely do not want to lose this woman that I love, and further mother to my children. So, I am thinking that I need to call her when she wakes up and apologize for having not realized how scared she was by the possible consequences of a war. She had a point, I was so caught in the mindset of conflict I was throwing her under the bus. I was being very solipsistic. If she is keen, we can leave this all behind and try to make our future, together, anew. So this guy out manoeuvred me. Whatever, I know this industry and suspect he will lose everything soon enough regardless. At this point, I can only take this as a lesson learnt. Do I feel betrayed by him? 100%. Do I feel betrayed by my wife? Yes, I do, but it is something I think I can get over and will not put myself into such a weak position next time.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

So, I had left a message last night and my wife woke up and called me back. I told her my current feelings on the matter and that I valued our relationship, her, and our children, much more than hurting this man. I explained that while I still am seething with anger at this guy, we can give up everything and leave this place if that is what she wants. I feel a bit weak about this but maybe that is good for her. Maybe it empowers her some. Maybe that could be good. I don't know. In some way, I feel a blindfold has been removed from my eyes.

Anyway, she cried some and was pretty happy. I guess it's possible it showed her that I value her. Personally, I would think the fact that I am stuck in this country is more than proof enough that I value her. But, okay, it seems she needed a refreshment gesture.

So, hopefully this will be my last post. If everything goes smoothly from here, maybe I will post one last update after we have moved, gotten back onto our feet, and it will be something like "Good news, no updates". I mean, that's all I want. I just want a peaceful life. The name of my company is "PeaceKrafters", my name, in this language, means peacemaker. Even my user name "Frithy" means peaceful. It's strange how it always alludes me. I'm rambling. Anyway, it seems a new future awaits me. Take care, everyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jlg07 said:


> So, while I do agree OP needs anger management counseling, I think he is justified in feeling that he has been betrayed by his business partner AND his wife both. Doing this to him over his company -- especially going behind his back to sell off customers and his wife selling HER shares to the partner so that HE loses control of the company, I AGREE with him. He has no other choice but pursue a new company, and if that affects his partner and wife, well so be it. They are adults and chose their path, he gets to choose his.


I agree with this.

*@Frithy,*


Frithy said:


> So, I have had some time to cool down. I spoke with my grandmother for some time about all of this and have had a bit of a shift in perspective. Honestly, I value my relationship with my wife more than this business. I can always start over and build my way back up. However, I definitely do not want to lose this woman that I love, and further mother to my children. So, I am thinking that I need to call her when she wakes up and apologize for having not realized how scared she was by the possible consequences of a war. She had a point, I was so caught in the mindset of conflict I was throwing her under the bus. I was being very solipsistic. If she is keen, we can leave this all behind and try to make our future, together, anew. So this guy out manoeuvred me. Whatever, I know this industry and suspect he will lose everything soon enough regardless. At this point, I can only take this as a lesson learnt. Do I feel betrayed by him? 100%. Do I feel betrayed by my wife? Yes, I do, but it is something I think I can get over and will not put myself into such a weak position next time.


I'm glad you have had a change of mind on how to handle this. You are right that you can rebuild the business on your own terms.

Don't put another minute of effort into the guy who out maneuvered you. It sounds like he was running scared for his own financial well being and reacted. You are better off without him. Do you still have the customer list? Is the business mostly over the internet? If so, you can still use that list. Offer them something to entice them to use your business.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So you visit brothels (but only for a “massage”) and you are violent towards your wife but you can’t figure out why she wants to leave you?

I hope she comes to her full senses and gets far, far away from you along with her kids.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Faithful Wife said:


> So you visit brothels (but only for a “massage”) and you are violent towards your wife but you can’t figure out why she wants to leave you?
> 
> I hope she comes to her full senses and gets far, far away from you along with her kids.


@"*Faithful Wife*"

I'm going to tell you, I don't find you to be a pleasant person. You were posting in the other thread trying to rile me and when I didn't take your bait, you came and found me here to do more of the same. I believe you to not like men in general and to wish to cause trouble for me. Be gone, I have no time for you. I have gone into your profile and clicked to ignore you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frithy said:


> I'm going to tell you, I don't find you to be a pleasant person. You were posting in the other thread trying to rile me and when I didn't take your bait, you came and found me here to do more of the same. You are a misandrist and wish to cause trouble for me. Be gone, I have no time for you. I have gone into your profile and clicked to ignore you.


This is an open forum. That means that people can post as long as they follow the rules.

Name calling is not acceptable.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Frithy said:


> @"*Faithful Wife*"
> 
> I'm going to tell you, I don't find you to be a pleasant person. You were posting in the other thread trying to rile me and when I didn't take your bait, you came and found me here to do more of the same. I believe you to not like men in general and to wish to cause trouble for me. Be gone, I have no time for you. I have gone into your profile and clicked to ignore you.


No problem if you want to ignore me. Makes sense. You don’t want your world view challenged so it’s easier to consider me a “man hater” than to consider that maybe I have a point.

I love men. But I only love men who don’t go to brothels if they are married and who don’t hit their wives. Is there a term for a woman who has no respect for men who have double standards, who hit their wives and who go to brothels? Whatever that word is, that’s me.

Meanwhile I have the upmost respect, love and desire (when appropriate) for men who adore their wives or women in general, men who are never ever violent toward any woman, and men who are faithful.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Frithy said:


> I've never felt she has to walk on eggshells. I'm not flying into tantrums daily. There are just a few, very select, triggers that bring that out from me. It's not like it's just her, I'd be the same way regardless of who it was. I'm not singling her out for bullying.
> 
> Having said that, I can also empathize with how terrible it must be to have someone stronger than you in a rage that could potentially hurt you. In no way am I dismissing her feelings.


when a loved one uses his physicality to threaten, intimidate or control, it breaks trust and does immense damage to your relationship. It does not have to be a regular occurrence. There is nothing so ugly in human nature than violence and aggression on weaker members of the family. What the hell are you teaching your kids. You are a big man? Honestly, where I originally come from, men like you would be taken outside by the males in the family and given a good kicking if they did what you o to your wife. 
She does not feel safe, she fears for the kids, why the hell would she want to be anywhere near you? Anyone, esp a man who needs to do this is a POS in my view and does not deserve a family nor a marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Frithy said:


> So, not all rainbows and happy ever afters. I found that my business partner from before has been going around trying to set up a deal to sell off our customers to a competitor. I told him to turn over the company chop to me immediately and he refused. I told him I was representing my wife while she was away and, by law, the chop must be with whom she says.
> 
> Long story short; I tell my wife about his behaviour and she says we should relinquish the company and not fight. WTF? Anyway, I ask her what the h*ll is wrong with her. Is she really so foolish a woman as to give up everything we have worked years to build? We started arguing and, now, she says she is planning to give over the shares to him and be done with the business, done with this city, and done with me! She apparently is happy back home and I'm a giant a**. Well, at-least according to her. Needless to say, I feel a dagger has been pushed through my chest. There is a pressure I cannot put into words pushing out from within my heart. I feel I cannot breathe. At this point, I have no recourse but war. I will have to create a new company and fight for these customers. I've spoken with a lawyer and it seems it may be possible for me to have it in my name. Also, I have lined up other investors to fill in any financial holes.
> 
> The man has mortgaged his house for his shares and, if I am to do what I feel I must, it will destroy him. However, my wife is the legal representative and she could also have severe consequences from a bankruptcy. I feel so betrayed by this. What is she thinking? She has chosen her horse, let her suffer with that choice. But I just want her to be a good woman and follow me. Still, I cannot accept this. I want to take everything from this man till he is destitute. I will destroy everything and when I am standing like a phoenix on the ashes of all I have destroyed, I will look down and laugh at these idiots. How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me? Okay, then war it is. I control the customers and the staff. They will lose to me, not me to them.


you reap what you sow. You have not been good to your wife, why should she be good to you? Really? I hope she gets lots of money for her shares and moves on.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

aine said:


> when a loved one uses his physicality to threaten, intimidate or control, it breaks trust and does immense damage to your relationship. It does not have to be a regular occurrence. There is nothing so ugly in human nature than violence and aggression on weaker members of the family. What the hell are you teaching your kids. You are a big man? Honestly, where I originally come from, men like you would be taken outside by the males in the family and given a good kicking if they did what you o to your wife.
> She does not feel safe, she fears for the kids, why the hell would she want to be anywhere near you? Anyone, esp a man who needs to do this is a POS in my view and does not deserve a family nor a marriage.


I'm not an especially large man, no. I'm pretty average in size. However, I don't care much for your idea of other men taking me out to fight. Is that why you asked how big I am? To know whether these guys could beat me? I would have to defend myself with all I had and try to eliminate that threat. Personally, I don't like the idea of any man thinking he could physically interject himself into another man's marriage.




aine said:


> you reap what you sow. You have not been good to your wife, why should she be good to you? Really? I hope she gets lots of money for her shares and moves on.


And what's your story? Are you just here to tell me what a bad person I am and how I deserve no happiness from this world? No, I don't think so. You came to this site because of your own marriage difficulties. You are so quick to judge me. Would you die for your wife or children? Would you kill for them? A lot of men would say they could, but when the moment comes they'd be too afraid. I've been in many crazy situations where I had to sacrifice or do something extreme to get or keep what I want. I know I don't back out. Maybe your concept of love with a woman is placid and safe. My love is volatile. I don't think this means I deserve bad things and I will fight this world and take the good things I want from it.

You know, I've never hidden anything I have ever done in my life from any man. Why has none ever stood up to take me outside and beat some lesson into me? Off of this computer world, where are your type in the real world? No, wait. Once. One friend, a big guy, he once said something like you are saying now. I invited him to come over and show me. I went outside on the street and sent a video of myself and I said "Here I am. Come show me. You said only a weak man would ever hit a woman. Well, come show me how weak I am." He never came over. Maybe some day someone will feed me some medicine and I will become a coward that loses his strength to be honest.

Let me tell you, I want to be a good husband. I want endless happiness for my family. You come here with this attitude trying to rouse my heart into negativity. I'm here to try to be a better husband. Why do you want to bring out bad feelings from me? Does it give you some little feeling of victory to know you pissed off someone on the computer today? You took a man that wanted to walk down a road and told him he didn't belong and made him want to reject that road. This is not constructive at all. I think that between us, I am not the one with the truly dark heart.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Frithy said:


> I'm not an especially large man, no. I'm pretty average in size. However, I don't care much for your idea of other men taking me out to fight. Is that why you asked how big I am? To know whether these guys could beat me? I would have to defend myself with all I had and try to eliminate that threat. Personally, I don't like the idea of any man thinking he could physically interject himself into another man's marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do you think your wife likes the idea of having anyone, let alone her HUSBAND, using physical violence on her? So YOU wouldn't want someone doing that to you, but you can do that to the one person you vowed to honor, cherish, and protect? There is nothing "manly" about hitting women. Nothing.

You want to know why other men won't interject? It's because physical violence is ILLEGAL and WRONG. To them, it's not worth going to jail/prison for some ****head.

I'm not perfect and my side of the street isn't very clean, and I'm telling you that you NEED to work on this. The fact that you won't says a lot about you.

You say that you want to be a good husband? Then PROVE it. Put in the work to actually be a better husband. Words are cheap. Fake attempts at looking better without doing any real (therapy) work is easy. Therapy and anger management are hard, HARD work. I know because I'm doing both. 

If you're such a strong man who can sacrifice or do extreme things to get what he wants (in this case "to be a good husband and have happiness" for your family), then put in the REAL work.

Love is not volatile. That is not loving, at all. Love is a lot of things but volatile sure as heck isn't one of them.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

bobert said:


> Do you think your wife likes the idea of having her anyone, let alone her HUSBAND, using physical violence on her? So YOU wouldn't want someone doing that to you, but you can do that to the one person you vowed to honor, cherish, and protect? There is nothing "manly" about hitting women. Nothing.
> 
> You want to know why other men won't interject? It's because physical violence is ILLEGAL and WRONG. To them, it's not worth going to jail/prison for some ****head.
> 
> ...


Yeah, you are right. I don't want to ever hit her or hurt her in any way. I just don't care for that man from before saying he wanted to fight with me and even worse, he wanted to have a mob attack me. It's easy to be a tough guy online. You know, if he wants to say I should be a better man, okay, yeah, I agree. I want to work on this. But for him to want to challenge me like he is some cowboy, I don't have any positive feelings for that. I will not be this man's punching bag. He can take his negative feelings and walk on.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Frithy said:


> Yeah, you are right. I don't want to ever hit her or hurt her in any way. I just don't care for that man from before saying he wanted to fight with me and even worse, he wanted to have a mob attack me. It's easy to be a tough guy online. You know, if he wants to say I should be a better man, okay, yeah, I agree. I want to work on this. But for him to want to challenge me like he is some cowboy, I don't have any positive feelings for that. I will not be this man's punching bag. He can take his negative feelings and walk on.


So, since you don't want to hit her or hurt her ever again then what is your plan? What are you going to do so that you can become a safe partner? Just saying you want to be a safe partner isn't enough, not even close.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

bobert said:


> So, since you don't want to hit her or hurt her ever again then what is your plan? What are you going to do so that you can become a safe partner? Just saying you want to be a safe partner isn't enough, not even close.


It seems like it probably comes down to habituation. So, I think I need build new habits to respond differently when stressed. Thinking about it, it's like a child throwing a tantrum. I am just used to throwing my arms around and talking **** when angry with her. If I can break that habit, I guess the problem would be fixed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The member "aine" is female. 

You know, it really isn't a good idea to not give your partner space when she is upset or you are upset. It is bullying and the person being restrained starts to feel panicky. Don't try to *control* the outcome of the dispute by insisting they stay and verbally duke it out. They may need time to sort and get their thoughts in order so they don't say something they will regret later.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Frithy said:


> It seems like it probably comes down to habituation. So, I think I need build new habits to respond differently when stressed. Thinking about it, it's like a child throwing a tantrum. I am just used to throwing my arms around and talking **** when angry with her. If I can break that habit, I guess the problem would be fixed.


You're right, to an extent, however you need to make a real plan AND see that plan through to the end. How are you going to break the unhealthy habits and replace them with healthy ones? How are you going to get to the source of your anger and uproot it? And on, and on. 

Dealing with your anger is far more than just forming new habits. 

You need to find the source of your anger and really, truly deal with whatever that issue is. Until that happens, you will never be a safe partner. 

You need to learn your anger patterns so that you can spot them _before _having an outburst and create a gap between the trigger and the reaction. 

You need to learn anger management techniques to use in day to day life and during that gap. You need to practice these techniques every single day. 

You need to change the way you think and process situations. It's not just about your actions, it's about what's going on in your head, your perception, and your emotional awareness. 

If you don't put in the real work and don't get to the root cause of your anger, then all you're doing is slapping on a bandaid and that never, ever works.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frithy said:


> I'm not an especially large man, no. I'm pretty average in size. However, I don't care much for your idea of other men taking me out to fight. Is that why you asked how big I am? To know whether these guys could beat me? I would have to defend myself with all I had and try to eliminate that threat. Personally, I don't like the idea of any man thinking he could physically interject himself into another man's marriage.


*@aine* is a woman. She was telling you how the men in her family deal with a man who beats his wife.

I was married to a man who was physically violent. He was not some big man. He was only 3 inches taller than me. But men, are much stronger than women regardless of their size. 

I do think it is helpful for you to hear from other women who have been married to a man who treated us the way you treat our wife. Your wife most likely feels about your abuse you dish out about the same way the vast majority of all women who are physically abused feel. At one time I loved my husband. But over time he became physically abusive. Between times of when he was violent he would be very good to me. But eventually he would start throwing things, breaking things, etc. And if I did not say/do exactly what he wanted he would turn that violence on me. I was walking on eggshells all the time. It became a horrible way to live because I was afraid of him all the time and it killed all the love I had for him. When I left him I never looked back. He tried over and over with all kinds of promises to get me to come back. Why would I not go back? Because I did not trust him.

You have a choice to make here. You can go to anger management counseling and even find self help books that teach a person who do handle their emotions and anger without violence. You can change the way you react and not do it in a dangerous, violent manner.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I am in your wife’s position right now. I live with an emotional and short tempered person. It is exhausting to worry what is going to make him upset at every moment. It doesn’t take a lot to make him upset or angry. How kids walk around the the house, why is a glass of water here or there, you know these litte things can turn into huge arguments, ready for divorce and I am so sick dealing with his drama. I wished he meant what he says to me when we fight that he is not happy and wants to leave. He will never ever leave me.  He raises his voice at me and the kids. He causes 99% of our fights and he is the one who plays the victim. I feel like I have three kids and my husband is the trouble one. Even when he is sick, not feeling good, is going to cause drama.
If I leave, I will leave like your wife, without saying a thing, because I am scared to say it on his face. Anything is possible. He will act like crazy for sure.
Let her go. If I go, I am not coming back at him. I need my peace of mind that he took away from me for 16 years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Frithy when I asked what were you teaching your kids, that you were a big man, I did not mean in the physical sense but in a methaphorical sense. Obviously the nuances of the English language have got us at cross purposes.
My story is my story, I think any man who uses physical violence or aggression on his wife or whomever, needs to be called out. you don't like being called out do you? That is the sign of a coward, picking on weaker people. Hence my sharing of what happens in my country to such men. Men like you can dish it out but cannot take it., so what does that say about you?
And no it doesn't give me any pleasure in calling out a man like you. It is sad that we have men in this world like you who think that its ok to use their male aggression against a woman. And you can cut all the 'oh woe is me' bull ****. I find it hard to believe that you would be offended by a few people on the internet. So perhaps you are not a hard man after all? Most abusers are scared ****less when confronted with someone who stands up to them, then they play the victim. Go and get yourself some therapy and anger management counselling.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

_Yeah, you are right. I don't want to ever hit her or hurt her in any way. I just don't care for that man from before saying he wanted to fight with me and even worse, he wanted to have a mob attack me. It's easy to be a tough guy online. You know, if he wants to say I should be a better man, okay, yeah, I agree. I want to work on this. But for him to want to challenge me like he is some cowboy, I don't have any positive feelings for that. I will not be this man's punching bag. He can take his negative feelings and walk on. 

@Frithy _Your quote above.
1. I am not a man
2. I am a married mother of two
3. Just see how offended you become at an anonymous person on the internet simply sharing with you what happens to men who do what you do in my country. You feel attacked, offended maybe vulnerable. Now tell me how do you think your wife feels when you use aggression on her? It really appears that as I said before you can dish it out but you cannot take it. Classic bully. You have a major problem.
4. I have no negative feelings about you, I don't even know you but what I do know is that you are still making excuses for your behaviour, still being offended when you have no right to be. You are classic abuser, playing the victim and I can see right through it. 
5. Now instead of being on here whinging about my comments, take some action and prove that you can be a good husband and father to the people who matter


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You keep saying you "want" to be better. 

What are you actually DOING to be better? What steps are you taking to make yourself better, in your own eyes? 

Wanting and wishing won't make this go away.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You are intelligent guy, that is obvious. But you are pretty messed up. And I think finally, thanks to people here you start seeing that your reactions are not average.
The question is - are you strong enough, are you man enough, do you love your family enough -to start doing something about it? Anger management for sure, and counseling. Not just few sessions, long term commitment to couneling.
the diagnosis of BPD seems very likely. This is very intense thing, and you will never get over it. This is something you need to maintain through your whole life. There will be ups and downs. But therapy shoukd give you tools to deal with these.
now - it is possible to have a life with it, if you are commited to it.
i don’t think you will like tge idea -but for many medication helps. Your case seems to be pretty acute, I would think you should consider that option.getting help is not sign of weakness. It takes a lot of strength to admitt that you need help and reach out.

even if your wife leaves you for good - and I think she has every reason to do so -you still work on yourself, so you can find some resemblance of peace. And be a good father andcrole model to your kids. You do not want them to repeat your pattern. It’s too exhausting.
and if she stays -even more reason to work on you. It will take a lot of time and hard work for her to start trusting you again. And even then she will always worry.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Several years on, here's an update:

My wife and I are still together, we had another son, third, last year. Maybe my testosterone has lowered with age, my strategies to deal with disappointment have changed, or my wife is less frustrating(unlikely), but, whatever the reason, we haven't had any real fights since I posted on here in early 2020. As for our personal lives, the business collapsed during the virus measures and we've been bouncing around the country with my taking of various job offers that all end in conflict and resignation (authority issues, I've just recently realized I'm very narcissistic and entitled). My wife found a hobby in strolling the beaches and hiking the mountains down south, so now that this most recent job didn't work out, we'll head back down that way. Is it a happy ending? I don't know. It feels as though things between us have improved, but the job problem and frequent moving visibly stress my wife especially with the demands of raising the little one.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

deleted


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Frithy thanks for posting. Many times there is never an update to see how folks are making out.
From the sounds of it, having a 3rd child (unless unplanned) hopefully means that you have at least resolved some of your marriage issues and your wife has come to some sort of accommodation for the problems (or you have worked on them to resolve them which I HOPE is the case).

You may want to seriously work on the narcissistic and entitled attitudes and STOP that.


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