# EA... sort of?



## Eleanor (Sep 28, 2013)

Hi,

I've been married for 4 years, in a relationship for 6. A year ago we had our first kid (the most wanted baby in the world), and our marriage is very happy.

The thing is we moved to a nicer area, he is a stay at home Dad and his social life has basically died. Not only must he be dying of boredom (although he assures me this is not the case) but it is hard to keep things exciting and interesting when he never has anything new to say to me except about the baby.

I have dropped hints, booked dates, almost knocked him over the head with a shovel to get him out of the house and meeting people. Our new local church? Too conservative. Those guitar courses you were looking at (I'll watch the baby a couple of nights a week)? Missed the booking deadline. Parent and toddler groups? I'll get around to it... some day.

Recently I have got a much unwanted crush on someone I hang out with commuting too and from work. I haven't said/done anything, don't intend to and have started catching a different train at the first sign of interest from them. Still can't get this person out of my head. 

If the current status quo stays in place, I know it is only a matter of time before my attention jumps again, perhaps to someone I can't avoid as easily as changing trains. I just do not cope well with being bored. The flaw is with me, but the solution is with him. I *need* him to revive an independent social life!

Since subtlety is not hacking it I'm toying with the idea of telling him all this... but I'm afraid of hurting his feelings and also that he will start worrying that I'll cheat on him or something. Guys and stay-at-home parents in particular, how would you react?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Eleanor said:


> If the current status quo stays in place, I know it is only a matter of time before my attention jumps again, perhaps to someone I can't avoid as easily as changing trains. I just do not cope well with being bored. The flaw is with me, but the solution is with him. I *need* him to revive an independent social life!
> 
> Since subtlety is not hacking it I'm toying with the idea of telling him all this... but I'm afraid of hurting his feelings and also that he will start worrying that I'll cheat on him or something. Guys and stay-at-home parents in particular, how would you react?


You have to talk to each other about how you feel. Keeping this type of thing to yourself is the easy way out, but will cause much worse problems in the future. What you are saying is that HE has changed and you do not like the change in him.

You know his feelings will be hurt. Can you imagine anyone taking it well being told, "You have nothing of interest to say, and therefore I find myself developing crushes on other men." He likely will become very defensive and say that you both agreed he should stay home with the child while you worked.

This is not the first time problems have been posted regarding stay-at-home dads. Usually it is the stay-at-home dad posting how they just caught their wives having an affair. From the wives' viewpoint, it seems that a lot of wives start to lose respect for a guy who stays home, even though they were completely on board with it, or even pushed for it, initially.

In any event, confronting problems head on is the best way to solve them. Talk about it as soon as possible and don't let it fester any longer.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As WK---says above---you need to talk to your husband---and it needs to be deadly serious---do not allow your H to sluff you off----force the conversation, anyway you have to!!!!!

Way better to hurt your H feelings, than to cause him the pain, of making him a betrayed spouse

You need to sit him down, and tell him the way it is--either act like a H, who wants to do things with his wife---or you will end the mge

This may seem like a nasty threat---but if you cheat, it will certainly cause horrible pain to both of you and your child, and you will probably cause the end of the mge anyway----so get in his face, and tell him either to start being social, or prepare to defend a D action

You are already fantasizing about a male who would give you more attention, so this situation is already bad

Why is your H a stay at home---why isn't he out working-----he doesn't sound like much of anything to be honest---doesn't work, doesn't go out---what does he do

IMHO---its time for your H to get a wake up call to join the human race!!!!!!!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

How much do you respect your husband for being a SAHD (stay at home dad)?

He's probably depressed that he is.

Get him out to work now! Find childcare. His self-worth is more important (especially if you do love him).

You're drifting away already. Has you strayed too far to recover the marriage? You can tell if you have when you find yourself thinking about your "crush".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So you want your husband to learn guitar whilst you consider cheating on your husband and the most wanted baby in the world? 

You need to get your head together. ASAP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eleanor (Sep 28, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> So you want your husband to learn guitar whilst you consider cheating on your husband and the most wanted baby in the world?
> 
> You need to get your head together. ASAP
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No I am not "considering cheating." At literally the first hint of a hint of anything possible inappropriate I wrote this individual out of my life completely and totally- without prompting. That surely is all anybody can do! 

Ultimately I would not physically cheat, but it is not nice to have any sorts of feelings for someone else. Feels like a sort of involuntary betrayal and I'd like to fix this.


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## Growapair (Sep 19, 2013)

Typical post by a soon-to-be cheating spouse! You followed the script to a tee. I read the first part of the post, waiting for the "well there is this guy at work" part.  It never fails, does it?

You first list all the things that is "wrong" with your husband. All the things that all are "all of a sudden" bother you, or are a burden to your marriage. You are ABOUT enter the fog! First you find all the things that are "wrong" with your husband, then you justify the infidelity. Your problem with your husband is not that he's not a good father, or he is a deadbeat drunk (all of which are legitimate reasons to leave a husband), but no, your problem is that he is BORING, or cares for his child ALL THE TIME! 

You see your husband in a negative way, because you want to cheat. Period. Whether you admit it to yourself or not. Do your husband a favor you before you crush heart and ask for a divorce. Free this poor man from the devestation you are about to unleash on him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Eleanor said:


> No I am not "considering cheating." At literally the first hint of a hint of anything possible inappropriate I wrote this individual out of my life completely and totally- without prompting. That surely is all anybody can do!
> 
> Ultimately I would not physically cheat, but it is not nice to have any sorts of feelings for someone else. Feels like a sort of involuntary betrayal and I'd like to fix this.


You are heading in that direction. If you aren't careful you could cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He's not meeting your needs..... But, are you meeting his needs?


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## Eleanor (Sep 28, 2013)

I probably shouldn't ask but hypothetically... how would that conversation go exactly?

"Honey I'm divorcing you."

"What?!? I thought we were happy? Why do you want a divorce?"

"We are, and I don't."

"I'm confused."

"I looked at another man."

"You cheated??"

"No just looked."

"I look at other women all the time" -_-;


You know I think I posted this in the wrong subforum. I'm new and "long term successful marriage" was probably the place for this question. Sorry about that.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Eleanor said:


> "I looked at another man."
> 
> "You cheated??"
> 
> "No just looked."


I think only one poster suggested divorce.

The title of the thread is *"EA... sort of?"*, not "Just Looked At Another Man Like Any Normal Person Would." The title and initial post suggests a relationship - the A in EA stands for "Affair," which you seem to be questioning whether or not you had.

What kind of advice are you looking for?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You have to talk to each other about how you feel. Keeping this type of thing to yourself is the easy way out, but will cause much worse problems in the future. What you are saying is that HE has changed and you do not like the change in him.
> 
> You know his feelings will be hurt. Can you imagine anyone taking it well being told, "You have nothing of interest to say, and therefore I find myself developing crushes on other men." He likely will become very defensive and say that you both agreed he should stay home with the child while you worked.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think this needs to be brought into the open in the kindest of ways.

Your H could have lost confidence in himself through spending so much time at home, and perhaps this is why he's a bit reticent about getting out and doing things... He might just need a (very) gentle (but firm) nudge in the right direction.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Eleanor, I would not call what you did an EA, unless while on that train you talked intimately, had feelings of emotional connection, etc. You did the right thing removing yourself. This forum is for persons whose spouses did not, so there is a lot of pain here.

My suggestion... Get counseling. The fact that you have issues with him, but can't seem to get through to him is indicative of poor communication. The same goes for the way you are don't want to bring this up because it will hurt him. Men are wired differently. If you say "take guitar lessons" that is all he will hear. He will not hear, "you need a more active social life.". So go to counseling to learn how you can communicate better with each other. That will help steer you away from an A in the future. 

Good luck to you, and congrats on the baby!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It is good that you have boundaries. However, many a SAHM would talk about the most wanted baby in the world, to her spouse. That is what he deals with all day. Since you are missing the time with your baby, I think you would want to know everything that happened each day. 

It is a tough job for either parent. What if the roles were reversed and all you had to talk about was your baby, and he was getting crushes on the commute?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a homemaker and you know what yes in those first few years your life takes a backseat to your baby then toddler. It's a boring, thankless job. How do I make chasing a toddler and cleaning toilets seem interesting enough conversation for my husband when he gets home from work?

Answer is I don't and he doesn't expect me too. We are in this together and the phrase a baby changes everything is true. 

I think the big issue is with the role reversal. Some women can handle being married to a homemaker and maintain attraction but many can't. You are one that can't. If you can't get your head together I suggest you put your kid in daycare and let your husband get a job.

Your marriage is in serious danger and needs a serious wake up call for both of you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> It is good that you have boundaries. However, many a SAHM would talk about the most wanted baby in the world, to her spouse. That is what he deals with all day. Since you are missing the time with your baby, I think you would want to know everything that happened each day.
> 
> It is a tough job for either parent. What if the roles were reversed and all you had to talk about was your baby, and he was getting crushes on the commute?


I think what worries the OP most is that her H no longer has any interests, hobbies or social interaction... SAHMs tend to have coffee mornings / play groups etc, whereas her H sounds pretty isolated.

The biggest shock to my system as a SAHM (in a very small town) was the lack of stimulating conversation and interaction with other adults. Of course I wanted to talk about our child when my H came home from work, but I made sure that I kept up to date with current affairs / interesting topics and made a point of reading at least 2 books a week. This enabled me to have things to talk to my H about, other than diapers, colic, formula and recipes!


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## Growapair (Sep 19, 2013)

Eleanor said:


> I probably shouldn't ask but hypothetically... how would that conversation go exactly?
> 
> "Honey I'm divorcing you."
> 
> ...


I dont know what kind of advice you're seeking. But it sounds like you're looking for a confirmation and justification as to why you are having an EA. You can't blame your husband for a decision you have both decided on (him being a stay home dad). But since you asked, the convo should go like this:

You: Honey, I do love you, but I think you should know I dont find you interesting anymore. I dont find you attractive anymore. I also have a crush on another guy I met at work whom I find much more interesting and much more attractive than you. I cant stop thinking about him! I'm on the verge of cheating on you with this guy eventhough I decline to admit this to myself. I'm doing everything I can to find things I dont like about you such as: your lack of social activity to justify why I want this other guy. I'm selfish enough to lack appreciatin for you and the fact you have no social life due to the care you give to our son. 

Him: Wow.. this is shocking! I knew you were being distant from me ever since you started to ride that train. I knew something was going on. Have you slept with him? followed by many other questions...

You get upset with his questioning and further justify why he isn't a good husband which will pave the way for you to have a full blown affair with your crush!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I stated use the threat of D---if you NEED CHANGE, and the mge is starting to fail---the person that needs to change---HAS TO FEEL THREATENED---change your ways, or this could end----that is a legit weapon in a mge with any type of problems---where one party refuses to change for the better


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