# Has anyone's marriage here recovered from long term sex drought?



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for almost eight years. We have had some serious challenges in a few areas. Will keep this short though... We were pretty sexually active in our first year. Yearv2 not so much, but still OK. Year 3, drought. Year 4 drought. Year 5, 6, 7 drought. Weeks or months at a time. 

There is mutual disinterest at this point and with an eight week old baby i am worried this may be the last nail in the coffin.

I have seen different ideas floating around. Sine on here, some on articles like 5 steps to spice up your sex life" etc. I have read advice about trying to explore each others fantasies, dressing up, toys etc. I have read that it will naturally improve with deeper emotional intimacy. Or that me being in my 30s would help my libido. 

I love my husband and hope intimacy can improve, but wondering if othersvhere have been able to get the fire burning again


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's not that complicated you just have to start with communication. You can't "fix" something without the information on what's wrong right? Ask him and as direct as possible

Why is our sex life so stagnate?
Are you happy with the way things are?
What can we do to get back to where we were?

Get the information from him so you know what you are dealing with

Some possible remedies

Watch some porn together
Write down your fantasies, have him do the same and switch
Role play
Go somewhere to have sex...like hotel for a night
Schedule sex..... I know this one isn't really romantic however many find that having sex actually increased the desire for it more. So while scheduled sex isn't romantic it could lead to more romantic things down the road


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

You are in a difficult stage with the young child. Let's hope you have reached the low point.
I think the best thing for you to do, sex wise, is to schedule nights out WITHOUT the kids. If possible, at least once a month. Not just dinner, but dinner, wine, hotel, hot tub, and uninhibited sex.

I still do this every 2 months and we have been married 24 years. It's always a wonderful experience and tends to STRETCH our sexual repertoire. During the two months between hotel stays, I always think on the great times we have in those rooms. The anticipation for the next stay is also fun. You've got to keep things fun and exciting. ALWAYS.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

Yes. Mine has. Not as long, but still.

None of the above (communication, talking...) worked long term.

This is what you need to do: 
1. Dedicate enough time for REST. With an 8 months old, it's hard. But next time you have sex, think twice about protection so that you see the light at the end of that tunnel. If you are tired, then all your efforts to have a date with your husband (nice dinner out, hotel room...) will lead to only so much needed REST, not sex. So, plan your week, make sure you have enough or at least close to that sleep. 
2. Start working out. The best is to walk or jog outside so that you have exposure to fresh air. 
3. Minimize stress. This is hard. But if you deliberally avoid situations that may cause additional stress, then even that helps. It's hard to stay out of such situations at work, but things like commutting to and from work (paths with less traffic or public transportation), grocery shopping when there are fewer people at the store, etc. - small things if you cannot change the big ones. And as far as work, train yourself to not check emails after business hours. 

There is more you can do, but these 3 rules are crucial. Sex requires good health and rested body and mind.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

What's your average frequency before the baby? 

Having an 8 week old is going to make it very difficult to improve this in the short term, so start looking at things that will have a long term impact. The number one thing you need to do right now is focus on yourself and your own mental health. Make sure you get plenty of rest and a little away time from the baby every now and then. Stressing about your relationship at the same time you're stressing about being a new mother is NOT going to restore your libido. Quite the opposite.

Once you've restored your own balance, start making sure you and your husband together have some time alone in a setting or situation where you're going to interact (don't go to the movies--you're not interacting). Head out to dinner or go for a drive in the country instead, and start reconnecting with each other as people. Avoid conversation about the baby or other domestic issues. Discuss opinions, politics, ANYTHING other than the current status of your toilet paper reserves. You have to start seeing each other as people you would want to date, assuming you weren't already married.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The first problem to understand is that your spouse likely NOT broken, and that current behaviors such as passive aggressive temper tantrums and telling a spouse that they are not enough for you makes them feel:

• inadequate
• undesirable
• hurt
• unprotected
• unloved

ALL of which have a strong tendency to reduce receptiveness to being aroused and feeling safe and loved enough to enjoy being sexual. A LD partner grows to start feeling used as they become threatened by the HD spouse because they claim they have to have it, even if it means using porn and masturbating, which in turn disassociates that the HD partners arousal is definitely not attributed to the LD person.

It is a cycle that spins out of control with both people hurting each other. 

Your best bet is to do whatever it takes to make sure that the LD partner feels loved and not used and that he/she has a clear understanding of the HD partners arousal and how it is likely attributed to the beauty and personality of the LD spouse. 

Instead of the LD spouse feeling threatened, make sure he/she learns to feel in control and loved, and they will start to sexually thrive with the HD partner's sexuality as a compliment to his or her self confidence!

*90% of the time it is mismatched communication driven by a lack of self confidence of BOTH partners. *The HD needs sex to prove the relationship is OK, and the LD person does not feel they are worthy enough to warrant their spouse being so attracted to him or her and thus feel threatened and used. Both of these behaviors hurt the relationship.

The other 10% of the time one person is just being a total douchbag, and the LD is completely within his/her rights to sexually withdraw in self defense!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there are a number of threads on this forum that chronicle successful returns to satisfying sex.

i can't remember names to be honest, although UMP is one of them, there are a number of others.

i would go through the archives in this section (sex in marriage) and read through the ones that are success stories.
if for no other reason than you will learn a lot about what it takes to restore good sex in your marriage.
from reading a lot of these stories, it's a lot of hard work and making changes to your thinking and interaction with your spouse.
it seems like the success rate is not real high once sex goes 'blah', but it can be done. definitely. 

maybe some of the other old timers can refer her to the threads i'm taking about.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Our marriage went sour about the same time and never recovered despite my unending attemps to revive it. Now I just don't care and am done trying. You have to have two willing partners to revive a marriage and only having one won't work. I would encourage you to have a weekend away without the baby. Have someone you trust watch baby. Having that time together will be vital to any revival of your marriage.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Ours went through pretty much the same process that OP describes -- from hot in the first year (and a little more), to cooling down, losing interest, and total breakdown after the arrival of the kids!

In my 40s, it was pretty bad. Guess it my hormones playing up, and also not understanding things... and seeing that as a personal rejection! The more I read online, the more I realised how common this problem was/is! 

When one partner becomes HD, the other automatically becomes LD. Or, is it the other way round? Then, it becomes terribly one-sided. If you're HD, you might almost be led into thinking that you're the sex fiend!

In my 50s, I've cooled down quite a bit. I realise that she's not rejecting me, but just has hormonal issues herself. Had some long chats telling her what this rejection and lack of sex was doing to me. How it could imperil the marriage. Why, as a man (but this applies to many women too), I needed a regular outlet of sex. How the lack of sex enhanced my bitterness level.

I won't say it's great, but at least she agrees to sex even twice a week. This is quite close to what I would have expected, even if I'm the one doing the asking for 99.99% of the times  

So yes, I have (much) less to grumble about now... let's see how long it stays that way, specially as she could go into perimenopause soon.



jb02157 said:


> Our marriage went sour about the same time and never recovered despite my unending attemps to revive it. Now I just don't care and am done trying. You have to have two willing partners to revive a marriage and only having one won't work. I would encourage you to have a weekend away without the baby. Have someone you trust watch baby. Having that time together will be vital to any revival of your marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It can only be fixed if the person with the lower drive cares. Or if the person with the high drive has the key to other benefits of the marriage (money etc (*)). Or if the HD person is a total expletive and they "fix themselves" to an acceptable degree. That's the "happy path" 

The "non happy path" is when there are lots of underlaying causes of resentment in the marriage, childhood issues, culture or religion, work stress, etc. Without serious professional intervention these are not fixable.

(*) I live in an "executive" neighborhood where it's 90% one income executive husband and SAHM. Not a lot of LD  but a fair amount of PA's...


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Once the kids arrived, our sex life dried up. When one party is always complaining about how tired they are and always makes sure to take a shower before the kids go to bed, then you know that sex isn't a priority. 

One benefit is that my drive is less now thanks to my wife's LD, so there is that. 

Will it recover, to answer the OP's question? In our case, I don't see how. We're older parents of little kids, and to have sex takes time away from computer games and sleep.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

We went approximately 2 1/2 years without any sexual touch. But with a lot of hard work from both of us, we're improving our current sex life.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

it's been almost a year and a half here... How does anyone recover from that?


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Also at 1.5 years. If the hd partner stops initiating the ld just goes on daily life as if sex doesn't even matter one iota. Sometimes I think my wife is asexual entirely and eventually it becomes a turn off. A defense mechanism kicks in and says just give up. That's pretty much how it is and things become platonic. I don't understand how she can watch tv shows and movies that have sex as part of the part of the plot. 

Its kind of mind boggling. One thing that resonates for me is many years ago she came home and said 'i was talking to so-and-so today and she told me that she and her husband haven't had sex in 2 whole years! Can you believe it that poor woman'. I should have told her that she probably denied her husband one too many times !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

QS,



You said "mutual disinterest". Before, was it more one of you had more desire more often then the other?



I have heard some success stories. Some, it seems, hinged on the partners finding empathy for each others experience, and then both partners caring to fix it.



Are you two sleep deprived and/or having trouble coping with the demands of an infant to care for? I ask because my wife and I really really struggled after each kid was born. Depression and exhaustion have to be addressed soon if they are factors. If life day to day is hard,fix that first - together if possible -- but make it very high priority (e.g., don't become my wife and I!)


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Yup

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...66538-things-worked-improve-hd-ld-issues.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...t-fell-back-love-saving-16-year-marriage.html


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Once the kids arrived, our sex life dried up. When one party is always complaining about how tired they are and always makes sure to take a shower before the kids go to bed, then you know that sex isn't a priority.
> 
> One benefit is that my drive is less now thanks to my wife's LD, so there is that.
> 
> Will it recover, to answer the OP's question? In our case, I don't see how. We're older parents of little kids, and *to have sex takes time away from computer games* and sleep.


If you prioritize computer games above sex and couple time then you're probably at game over. That is really sad.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

KendalMintcake said:


> Also at 1.5 years. If the hd partner stops initiating the ld just goes on daily life as if sex doesn't even matter one iota. Sometimes I think my wife is asexual entirely and eventually it becomes a turn off. A defense mechanism kicks in and says just give up. That's pretty much how it is and things become platonic. * I don't understand how she can watch tv shows and movies that have sex as part of the part of the plot.*
> 
> Its kind of mind boggling. One thing that resonates for me is many years ago she came home and said 'i was talking to so-and-so today and she told me that she and her husband haven't had sex in 2 whole years! Can you believe it that poor woman'. I should have told her that she probably denied her husband one too many times !
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


During our worst dry spell, sex on tv was extremely awkward. I was obviously upset by the reminder that healthy couples tend to have sex. My W was clearly upset that I was being reminded that sex was happening seemingly everywhere but our house.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

QuietSoul said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost eight years.
> 
> Year 3, drought. Year 4 drought. Year 5, 6, 7 drought. Weeks or months at a time.
> 
> ...


I have been married to the same woman for 44+ years. There was a time in the early 2000's when our marriage became a sex starved marriage. Sex once every month or so and then in late 2009 not at all with my wife saying never again.

We turned it around with a lot of hard work and help from a great sex therapist. We now have sex twice a week, which for this particular set of 66-yearolds, is enjoyable.

May I suggest that with a small baby, you and your H can't expect to have the energy for humping like rabbits every day. 

I also suggest that you get one of MW Davis books either the Sex Starved Marriage or the Sex Starved Wife, depending on your circumstances and who has the low desire.

Also I strongly recommend either a live course or the video by the Gottmans, Bringing Baby Home ProgramThe Gottman Institute

Good luck to you. Yes it can be turned around.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thread the needle said:


> Yup
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...66538-things-worked-improve-hd-ld-issues.html
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...t-fell-back-love-saving-16-year-marriage.html


Very great advice in those links, especially about covert contracts, fixing yourself first, and giving your spouse unconditional love!:iagree:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This is the mentality you need to get the home fires burning again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIBJMV9bc80&index=4&list=RDBRrfnvGQG1I


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

My marriage (sex life) has been on again off again for many different reasons, a good weekend trip together with some good hotel sex is always a good way to get things kicked off. Then after the trip sex will not feel so foreign.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

IT CAN be turned around. I know first hand.
We did it.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Yes, my marriage has recovered. But I had to be willing to end it (or open it), in order to fix it. This "ultimatum" has to delivered as a commitment, not a threat.

Think: "I will do whatever it takes to meet your reasonable needs, but I also have some reasonable needs that I will not live without"

Not: "f$k me or we are done"


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I'll add to the chorus here: Both parties have to want it to improve, otherwise you are just pushing on a string.



tommyr said:


> Yes, my marriage has recovered. But I had to be willing to end it (or open it), in order to fix it. This "ultimatum" has to delivered as a commitment, not a threat.
> 
> Think: "I will do whatever it takes to meet your reasonable needs, but I also have some reasonable needs that I will not live without"
> 
> Not: "f$k me or we are done"


 @tommyr - Yes, except for the '(or open it)' part. Maybe you meant '(and be willing to follow through)'. I guarantee you that the result of demanding an open marriage under those circumstances is akin to detonating a nuclear bomb in your living room, only it takes longer and has more ugly moments.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Our conversation never reached the point where I would have actually stated (in specific words) my full intention to end or open the marriage. I purposely didn't go in with guns blazing, because I wanted to believe we still had a chance. Rest assured she KNEW that I was serious when I said "the current state of our marriage does not work for me. AT. ALL."

Let us not be obtuse or naive: normal people with normal sex drives can NOT survive long term in a sexless marriage. So for you to point out that I was "going nuclear" is entirely redundant. In fact I would say that she made the first nuclear strike by going sexless on me. My "ultimatum" was just me being honest with us both that our monogamous marriage was DONE, but if she was willing to work on it, I would go to all ends of the earth for her.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Anubis said:


> I'll add to the chorus here: Both parties have to want it to improve, otherwise you are just pushing on a string.


This is true. It is critical to find out if your spouse actually WANTS to improve it. Otherwise, why would I want to stay married to somebody who doesn't want sex with me, and doesn't want to improve it? Why would I stay faithful to such a person?

As to "pushing on a string" : this is about control. You cannot control a string by pushing on it, right? And that is why every prior conversation got me no where. But once I became willing to end the marriage, or to remain married but dating, this provided a way for me to move beyond our sexless stalemate. One way or another, that would end. No longer would I push on her string. She had to chose: either she would participate in fixing our marriage, or I was resuming a normal sex life without her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I also led into fixing our situation with an ultimatum. Until that point, I had tap danced, whined, complained, and everything in between, only to receive more grief along with no sex.

So I told her we get better (in all ways) or we end it. She was mad, and there was a lot more to it after the ultimatum, but it was ultimately the catalyst that changed our trajectory.

We are now great, and earlier today she texted me saying she wanted a date in the bedroom. In 2013, this was unheard of.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> I also led into fixing our situation with an ultimatum. Until that point, I had tap danced, whined, complained, and everything in between, only to receive more grief along with no sex.
> 
> So I told her we get better (in all ways) or we end it. She was mad, and there was a lot more to it after the ultimatum, but it was ultimately the catalyst that changed our trajectory.
> 
> ...


You should probably give more details, especially regarding the more dramatic recent improvement.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> You should probably give more details, especially regarding the more dramatic recent improvement.


Nobody has that kind of time... 



What JLD wants me to elaborate on, and I will summarize, was me focusing on both being a better man and leading my wife.

There was a ton of the former, which gave me the strength to do the latter.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

One other note on self improvement. The single largest thing that improved things was my ability to regulate my emotions.

Without that, the rest of the changes in our dynamic are ineffective.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> One other note on self improvement. The single largest thing that improved things was my ability to *regulate my emotions.*
> 
> Without that, the rest of the changes in our dynamic are ineffective.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Thank you, far.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Thank you, far.


Anything else?



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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Anything else?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Not right now!


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

We have had numerous droughts. The latest is now into the second year and I don't see an end in sight. We are both on the other side of 55 and my H has terrible back problems and he take medication for his prostate that I believe affects his sex drive. We no longer share a bedroom and I am happy for that. My sex life now is all about fantasies and self soothing, as we say when the little kids at the school where I teach engage in it. At least I still have my sense of humor. 

But, our situation is very complicated by a history of infidelity, coupled with financial lying and emotional distancing. The best I can do now is be kind and compassionate towards him for the sake of my children and for myself. It's really too late for us in many ways, but OP, my advice to you is to fight through the exhaustion with the kids and spend quality time together. Hire sitters, get out and just have some fun without the pressure of sex. Be affectionate with each other in non-sexual ways - holding hands, back rubs, and then progress to kissing. You need to go back to dating again. Above all, be kind to each other, really listen, and VALUE each other. 

My husband was cold and distant toward me for a long time and that distancing enabled him to have affairs. When he wanted back in, I was already two steps out the door with an emotional affair. Believe me, when I was at home, exhausted with my three kids, stressed about money, arguing with my H about the house, it never occurred to me that he would step outside the marriage for sex. A sexless marriage is a prescription for disaster.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> One other note on self improvement. The single largest thing that improved things was my ability to regulate my emotions.
> 
> Without that, the rest of the changes in our dynamic are ineffective.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Was this a personal only issue or did it extend outside the house as well? I'm an Army brat and grew up around Army men and the one thing they all had in common, from staff officers to grunts, was to keep calm and be in charge. So, the emotion regulation and lead aspects were only for home, and if so, why?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I am a sensitive person by nature. I learned quickly to regulate my emotions to subordinates, whether it was anger or something else, because it was more effective. 

But it is taxing for me. So when I got home late, averaging 80 hour weeks in a job I hated, I wanted to be able to come home and just lay it all down; stop putting forth effort. I was exhausted.

After retiring from the Army, I took a job with much fewer hours that I actually enjoy. I no longer have the emotional and mental exhaustion I once did. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> I am a sensitive person by nature. I learned quickly to regulate my emotions to subordinates, whether it was anger or something else, because it was more effective.
> 
> But it is taxing for me. So when I got home late, averaging 80 hour weeks in a job I hated, I wanted to be able to come home and just lay it all down; stop putting forth effort. I was exhausted.
> 
> ...


But you still had to learn to get hold of your emotions, far, and it happened fairly recently. Could you offer a few simple steps for how you did that? 

Most women find it attractive for men to be able to control their emotions. It could be valuable information for men who are trying to revive their sex lives.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Most women find it attractive for men to be able to control their emotions. It could be valuable information for men who are trying to revive their sex lives.


If controlling one's emotions was the key to success in the bedroom, Italian and Latino men would never get any...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> If controlling one's emotions was the key to success in the bedroom, Italian and Latino men would never get any...



Well, if you scare your wife, or come across as a whiny, needy little boy, good luck . . .


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Well, if you scare your wife, or come across as a whiny, needy little boy, good luck . . .


Here I am offering a counterexample of whole ethnic groups who thrive sexually without 100% TAM spec emotional regulation and you come back and respond with an individual example??? 

Do women really fall for emotionally void guys? Or is "not regulating emotions well" a codeword of some kind??


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The kind of guys who need this advice are usually displaying little boy whininess/neediness/resentment, or big boy anger/aggression. Neither is attractive to their wives, or they would not be here.

Emotionally void is not the idea. Emotionally responsible is the idea.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I referenced two entire ethnic groups that thrive on being emotionally charged and in many cases not as 100℅ emotionally regulated as TAM would like. Yet both have better success in the bedroom than most other cultures. 

Are they not emotionally responsible? Or could it be that they have found good ways to focus their emotions.

TAM seems to think the #1 recipe for success is to play Christian Gray the way "emotional regulation" is portrayed.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

john117 said:


> I referenced two entire ethnic groups that thrive on being emotionally charged and in many cases not as 100℅ emotionally regulated as TAM would like. Yet both have better success in the bedroom than most other cultures.
> 
> Are they not emotionally responsible? Or could it be that they have found good ways to focus their emotions.
> 
> TAM seems to think the #1 recipe for success is to play Christian Gray the way "emotional regulation" is portrayed.


IMO, it is the particular emotions displayed that make the difference.

Displaying volatility, e.g., the Latin temperament, is not a big problem in general, as long as it is not frightening.

Displaying weakness, e.g., fear, depression, is a big problem in many cases.

According to evo-psych, this is because being volatile can be a benefit in a man's dealing with other men (to protect the woman), whereas weakness is not; therefore, a woman isn't repelled by volatility but is repelled by weakness.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> I referenced two entire ethnic groups that thrive on being emotionally charged and in many cases not as 100℅ emotionally regulated as TAM would like. Yet both have better success in the bedroom than most other cultures.
> 
> Are they not emotionally responsible? Or could it be that they have found good ways to focus their emotions.
> 
> TAM seems to think the #1 recipe for success is to play Christian Gray the way "emotional regulation" is portrayed.


My husband is not an Italian or a Spaniard, so I cannot speak to those possibilities. But my emotionally responsible Frenchman has no experience with a sexually unsatisfying marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> My husband is not an Italian or a Spaniard, so I cannot speak to those possibilities. But my emotionally responsible Frenchman has no experience with a sexually unsatisfying marriage.


And because of that he and you have much, much to learn about the role of emotions in such challenging marriages


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are funny, John.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I think your Emphatizer 2000 was off momentarily. I was serious


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