# What level of disagreement can you live with?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

A couple of threads I've read lately include people talking about finding certain behaviours hard to live with (matters not what, in this instance). Got me wondering, given another stat I read recently along the lines of that you need to find 75% of your relationship 'good' otherwise you're in trouble. 
How much disagreement do you consider ok? Is it only tiny things? Whether or not one of you always makes the first morning coffee? How often the kitchen floor is swept? Whether or not there's ice for the evening drink? Or more serious? What schooling the children should have? How to deal with different religious views? Opting out of 'in-law' hassles? Or do the tiny disagreements add up enough to put you on edge? How often do you really fight hammer & tongs? Do you name call & manage to get over it or would that signal a slippery slope for you? Do your views of disagreement actually differ from your partner's and does that cause problems in itself? We know we're all different but I'm wondering how different are our tolerances for friction in a relationship.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

This is a very interesting topic madimoff. I think when a couple is happy with each other, the "little" disagreements don't seem relevant, but as soon as there are problems, the litte disagreements start to add up and are focused on and escalated to the point of resentments. How much? I think it's up to each person to determine that, but I would also hope that they look for the good first in their partner, not just the ways they disagree in.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I married a man that is my opposite in many ways - political party, religion, etc. However, when we fell in love we made each other laugh, we came away from a get-together with different experiences, and it has been fascinating! 

Today (15 yrs later), we are struggling, but it isn't because we are different. We have had new issues come up surrounding addiction and verbal abuse (toward me). I still appreciate that he sees the world different. Maybe he doesn't like that I have such influence over the kids, and is lashing out... But, the little stuff isn't our issue. I don't even think this big stuff is a culmination of the little stuff put together. It's wholly different (namely, parenthood stress, self medicating, stuff like that).

I'm certain I wouldn't want to be with "another me", which would be the only way to avoid conflict.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I admire HuntBrown's notion of seeing disagreement as a learning tool, though personally doubt many couples are that foresighted/empathetic/patient. (I know I'm not, though I'm willing to learn). 
I don't know if hurt & rejection lead to power struggles though I firmly believe they are part of the major catch 22s some relationships have - with or without power struggles. I know that amicable resolution is a major goal for me/us personally - it's me that usually finds agreeing to disagree the stumbling block (ask me why? I don't know.). As to communication skills well that's an interesting one, because as we all know men and women communicate differently and people communicate in different ways too so how to communicate to suit your partner if they've issues as well? Baby steps I guess, providing you're both focussed on the end game. 

HappyHer's observation about when you're happy with each other little disagreements seem less important is of course so true. Good idea to look for the good first. I think relationship communication would be so much easier (mine anyway) if minor blips weren't seen so much as a huge step backwards. (mostly by me, though at times by both of us)
Knowing your partner sees things in the world differently is only a part of the picture. Sometimes I feel almost obliged to explain his behaviour to friends (I know, frowned on..) because without my understanding of his viewpoint they may think he's just an old grump. Sure as eggs 'stuff', 'baggage', 'external influences', whatever you care to call them, can have a huge effect on relationships, particularly second/third relationships, or where existing children & ex's are concerned. 
As to the last point, I was pretty much with 'another me' & the relationship slid into nothingness because there just wasn't a spark (not sure if there ever was). Comfortable, yes - much more comfortable than I am now, actually. But loved? Wanted? Not a chance. Ho hum.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I feel that for my relationship to work, we have to be *mostly* in agreement on bigger issues, like politics, religion, etc. Not necessarily perfect agreement, but similar ideas at least. 

Little disagreements...overall, I don't think little disagreements are a big deal, every couple has them. I suppose if there are enough of them, eventually they could build up to become a bigger issue. But I also think that if you talk about them as they arise and either resolve them or agree to disagree, they shouldn't really build up. I do think that if you have a bigger issue that is causing problems, then the little disagreements will build on top of that to make you unhappier. 

As for how much disagreement is ok...well, that is up to the individual couple. My boyfriend and I have had our disagreements, and I'm sure we'll have more in the future. But they are rather rare, and I like it that way. I know some couples who thrive on arguing, and although I couldn't live that way, it works for them. 

I resist the urge to name call or say hurtful things mid-argument, as does my boyfriend. I was married before, and my ex-husband and I would name call and say all kinds of hurtful things to each other, and although we certainly had other, bigger issues that led to the demise of the marriage, the name calling and hurtful comments certainly didn't help. So even if I think to myself that my boyfriend is acting like a jerk at the moment or something along those lines, I won't ever say that out loud to him. But again, I know couples who really enjoy that kind of behavior. I don't get it; but whatever works for them, I guess.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I guess there are couples with major fundamental issues they manage to agree to disagree on (religion et al) but I'd agree with atruckersgirl that some kind of major agreement is a good idea. 
Where I flounder, though, is understanding (not atruckersgirl's fault/error, more my lack of empathy or something... what anyone thinks is a 'little disagreement'. What? What is 'little'? Where to sit in the restaurant? What time to leave to pick up the kids from school? Where to park when doing either? What's little and what's major?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I guess there are couples with major fundamental issues they manage to agree to disagree on (religion et al) but I'd agree with atruckersgirl that some kind of major agreement is a good idea.
> Where I flounder, though, is understanding (not atruckersgirl's fault/error, more my lack of empathy or something... what anyone thinks is a 'little disagreement'. What? What is 'little'? Where to sit in the restaurant? What time to leave to pick up the kids from school? Where to park when doing either? What's little and what's major?


Although you weren't addressing me, I'd like to take a shot at answering those questions. I think a "little" disagreement, like anything else, depends on the couple. To me, a little disagreement can be anything from what/where to eat for dinner to not agreeing on a book (I like it, he doesn't, or vice versa). It can also be something like one of the kids does something, and maybe one of us doesn't think it's a big deal where the other thinks it is a big deal. If it's something we can discuss and either resolve or compromise on w/o a ton of issues arising from it, it's a "little" disagreement. Something like differing religions, politics, where to live, those things are "big" disagreements, those are things that people tend to have developed over their entire lifetimes and aren't that willing to back down on. I can give in and agree to go to Applebee's instead of Chili's for dinner, I can give in and say that although I think what the kid did wasn't that bad but he does so we'll go with his opinion on this one. I'm less likely to back down on my religious or political beliefs. I think most people are like that. But it really depends on the individual and the couple. It depends on what you hold as important, what your morals and values are, and how willing you are to give on things, as to what is a little or big disagreement. I hope that makes sense.


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