# Wife and Oral Sex



## Mike89 (Mar 1, 2017)

I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.

The first time she did it was after we had been dating for roughly a year. It wasn't expected and I had never mentioned it in the past, making it totally her own idea. When several months went by without another go, I tested the waters by asking. That blew up in my face (mostly my own fault). So I backed up and have been carefully (sensitively) trying to peel away the reasons for her hesitation. Frankly, she isn't terribly comfortable with a wide open conversation about sex. This has been a true test of patience and understanding for me; and we have been working on opening up and exploring our sexuality. It's been kind of romantic, really. 

It wasn't until last night that I finally got a honest, straight answer. She doesn't like to do it because of performance anxiety. She's afraid it won't feel good for me and it will be embarrassing for her. And she was embarrassed to admit that all this time. Far less sinister than I would have ever guessed. Believe me, we opened EVERY other door. "No stone unturned" so to speak. 

Now the question. Simple encouragement that she's "good" isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I can't relate that well to hows she's feeling (not for a lack of flaws, mind you). Any women out there with advice for her or me, or some personal perspective about how they have overcome this kind of anxiety? Any guys have a wife with a similar hesitation? I'm like a dog chasing a car. I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?

Mike89


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mike89 said:


> I finally have what I've been after, now what to do with it?


Working on building your spouse's confidence will take a tremendous amount of effort and time! Be patient. It also sounds like she is dealing with some form of anxiety in addition to confidence, so don't fool yourself that you have this all figured out! It could be that in a previous relationship that she was placed under duress regarding the topic of oral sex (e.g. an early BF threatened to break up over it, and when she tried and it was not good enough for him that she then got dumped or something, or perhaps she tried on a BF that was just not that into her and things went bad). So you could be dealing with those issues as well.

But even in those situations, building confidence will always help! Talk to her a lot. Tell her what you like and why you like it. Tell her those things in a rather flattering way. Also make it a point to work on her confidence in general, don't focus solely on oral sex or it will come across as if you are manipulating her.

Be patient!

Badsanta


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I got married when I was 22. I never knew about oral sex and did not know people did those things. I grew hearing that sex was bad, dirty and sinful...so anything more than missionary made me feel really bad afterwards. The first time my H tried to do that to me was, what the hell are you doing? That's nasty. Took a long time with my H constantly telling me , we are married and what we do in our bedroom is good. When I got into my 30's and my hormones kicked up, then, baby I was game for anything. So, my poor H had to wait over 10 years for some bj. 

Give her time to get up the courage to find her sexuality and be ready to experience new things. It also takes courage to take charge of things in the bedroom. So, until she is comfortable with who she is as a sexual being, don't expect her to suddenly do all the things you want.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Mike89 said:


> I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm, talk to me about your wifes body language. 


Submissive Body Language


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mike,

The reason oral has such a powerful impact is twofold:
- The raw physicality of it is good
- The emotion side of it is powerful because it is: All about you 

Have you ever asked her for feedback on YOUR oral technique? Or did you figure it out using her non verbal (meaningful, moving, etc.) cues?

You have to set the tone by welcoming feedback of all types. By focusing solely on the goal of 'improved outcome', as opposed to ego gratification. 




Mike89 said:


> I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.
> 
> ...


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I know what your wife is feeling. I've been with my husband for 10 years and when we got together his sexualizing experience FAR outweighed my own. I was basically a novice. Knowing he was so well versed definitely gave me performance anxiety for quite a while. I never felt comfortable opening up to him about this because I didn't want to come off like so weirdo noob in the bedroom. I wasn't a virginity when we met, but compared to him I might as well have been. Any who, I *maybe* gave him oral like twice during the first 6 year of our marriage! He was the same with me, he did tn know how to approach these conversations with me because he knew how damn shy I was in the bedroom and dint want to push me into something I wasn't ready for. 

I wasted 6 years being shy. 

Until he decided to point blank ask me about my nerves and said he'd like to get past these fears to have a more fulfilling sex life. 

I needed him to be direct with me. 

I didnt want to be good in bed, I wanted to be ****ing fantastic. But thought I'd screw it up and wind up embarrassed. 

He said to me "you can't screw it up. It's not about the end game to me, it's about riding a special journey of exploring each other. So what if it takes you a while to learn my oral likes to get me to finish. I'm in no rush. Then idea of you fumbling nervous on me is a trip in and of itself" 

That was it. 

The gates burst open and I trusted my husbands words of encouragement. You know what? It took me a little bit to stop being nervous doing it and I didn't get him to finish right away. But the longer it went on, the more determined I'd became to finish him that way. Fast forward 4 years and now he gets them quite often. And I love it. 

Your wife needs to find her courage. Assure her that even if she has to practice then you'll love her all the more for it. 

I can't get enough of him now. Even without getting my own release, I am addicted to pleasuring him now. The beast has come out, and she's not going away anytime soon. Fan-****ing-tastic sex life. 

Encourage your wife. Tell her who cares if she can't get you right away. No biggie. And guide her as she does it. Don't leave her to flop in the wind down there. When she clamps down on your junk, be vocal. If you really like something, say so. If you want something say so. It will give her the ability to skip past the does he/doesn't he part of learning. 
Tell her slower, faster, tighter, etc..... Encourage that woman!


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## Mike89 (Mar 1, 2017)

Thanks for the replies! 

Nail on the head, Badsanta. She had a crush in the past that was coercive then didn't stick around. While she claims she's overcome that, I'm sure there are still lingering emotions. That's certainly a sensitive topic. I don't mean to imply I have it all figured out. Just that I have something I can interpret and attempt to relate to is a big step. 

DepressedHusband, I wouldn't say her body language is submissive. She's not afraid of or intimidated by me. We've had our fair share of shouting matches. I think she struggles with feeling sexy. God help me, I wish she would see what I do. That struggle manifests in her body language, and sometimes in her willingness to be intimate. But again more reservation than submission.

MEM2020, good advice. Definitely something I try to do. She doesn't offer up a lot of feedback, but I do encourage it. She's the type that really does enjoy oral, but if I withheld it for a month she wouldn't feel comfortable asking me for it. What you say about ego gratification is interesting. I do take some amount of egotistical satisfaction. Kind of a point of chest swelling manliness for getting her to orgasm. At the same time it's an effort to satisfy her needs before mine. That is an important gesture to me.


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## Mike89 (Mar 1, 2017)

Excellent advice Saibasu, thanks!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's a bit like the guy last week who wouldn't take off his shirt because she might not like it. She is afraid to go down just in case he says . . . . .
Actually there probably isn't any historical bad comment on oral sex. Even saying "You Suck" is a complement. 
I will say that every tiny little thing you can do to show how much fun you are having helps. Even grabbing her hair and holding her in place. 
Actually that one quite surprised me. The more control I took the more enthusiastic she became. 
Which reminds me of another BJ experience . . . . perhaps another thread.


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## DonaldDuck666 (Feb 20, 2017)

Saibasu said:


> I didnt want to be good in bed, I wanted to be ****ing fantastic.
> 
> 
> I can't get enough of him now. Even without getting my own release, I am addicted to pleasuring him now. The beast has come out, and she's not going away anytime soon. Fan-****ing-tastic sex life.


You can't see it, but I'm giving you a standing ovation right now! :yay:


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## DonaldDuck666 (Feb 20, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> It's a bit like the guy last week who wouldn't take off his shirt because she might not like it. She is afraid to go down just in case he says . . . . .
> Actually there probably isn't any historical bad comment on oral sex. Even saying "You Suck" is a complement.
> I will say that every tiny little thing you can do to show how much fun you are having helps. Even grabbing her hair and holding her in place.
> Actually that one quite surprised me. The more control I took the more enthusiastic she became.
> Which reminds me of another BJ experience . . . . perhaps another thread.


Do share!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving her constant, positive, loving verbal and nonverbal feedback, all while she is busy performing the act on you!

Nothing quite satiates her ego and self confidence faster!*


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## lovinghusband2016 (Dec 26, 2016)

I am in the same situation I get it for less then 5 min in a year I am serious I give her oral almost every time


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Similarly has happened to me in the past, with one of the guys I was dating. 
I wasn't experienced with oral and I would avoid giving it to him for the fear that he would tease me or make of me for not doing it right. In reality, I had no problem whatsoever with giving and receiving oral per se, but I used to overthink what he would think of me for the way I was giving it to him. 

To this day, I still avoid giving oral for fear of lack of confidence. I have never had a stable partner or long lasting relationship. For fear of being made fun of, there are some sex positions I avoid ...until I know my next partner won't have a problem even if I do it wrong (temporarily). 

So yeah, I agree with @arbitrator on the fact that you should encourage her more. That way, you'll boost her ego and she'll be happy to give it to you more often.


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## lovinghusband2016 (Dec 26, 2016)

I was going to post this same situation I have over the last 12yrs to just deal with it it was so great while we were dating


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## Mike89 (Mar 1, 2017)

lovelygirl said:


> To this day, I still avoid giving oral for fear of lack of confidence. I have never had a stable partner or long lasting relationship. For fear of being made fun of, there are some sex positions I avoid ...until I know my next partner won't have a problem even if I do it wrong (temporarily).


It really surprised me she worries about that sort of thing. We have never had a sexual encounter that didn't end well. Some steamier than others, but would not say any times were categorically "bad". Maybe I don't speak for all guys, but usually I'm just thrilled to be getting some. 

What things, intentional or not, do you or your partner do to help you overcome that fear? Say you decide to try something with your partner you are nervous about. What could they say or do that would totally boost your confidence?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did you have a bad experience that made you worry? 

A guy who makes fun of a woman for how she gives a BJ deserves to never get one again as long as he lives. Gentle hints, are fine, but negative comments - no way!



lovelygirl said:


> Similarly has happened to me in the past, with one of the guys I was dating.
> I wasn't experienced with oral and I would avoid giving it to him for the fear that he would tease me or make of me for not doing it right. In reality, I had no problem whatsoever with giving and receiving oral per se, but I used to overthink what he would think of me for the way I was giving it to him.
> 
> To this day, I still avoid giving oral for fear of lack of confidence. I have never had a stable partner or long lasting relationship. For fear of being made fun of, there are some sex positions I avoid ...until I know my next partner won't have a problem even if I do it wrong (temporarily).
> ...


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## mjsquatch (Jan 25, 2017)

When she does it to you are you giving her parts any sexual attention? Perhaps it will seem less like a big performance to her if something else mutual is going on at the same time. With my wife I always really enjoyed giving her pleasure while she was doing that, especially with my fingers. This made her really happy to do it as part of our foreplay, but I rarely got to finish that way. She'd always just get too excited and initiate regular sex.


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## lovinghusband2016 (Dec 26, 2016)

I always told her how great it was how good she does it still no response


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Mike89 said:


> I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.
> 
> ...


Personally, I don't quite think that's the reason she doesn't do it. It may be PART of it, sure, but I dunno...

The reality is, there are many, many women out there who just simply dislike doing it, for a variety of reasons. Even many who will do it, or do it regularly, don't particularly enjoy it.

My wife HATES it (she's said so... ugh), yet she will still do it as part of foreplay, and do it well. AND be really into it, at that moment. Seriously, it's weird. She's a freakin' pro at it. On it's own - **** no. The idea of a standalone BJ is akin to walking slowly over hot coals.

Why the disparity in feelings towards it? Damned if I know, and I've long ago given up figuring it out.

Anyway, like I said, her anxiety over her skills with it may be real, but I have a hard time believing that's the sole reason it rarely happens, and when it does, it's 30-60 seconds long.

Honestly, I could be wrong. But my take on it is that if she was into giving BJ's, she'd give BJ's, regardless of her perceived skill level. She'd learn along the way, and there'd be no reason for her to be embarrassed about it. More likely, she's either really blase about them, or she already knows it's not something she enjoys doing, yet may be willing to throw out there as often as she already does.

On the other hand, she may be under the assumption that 30-60 seconds is as long as it should take, and because you're not finishing in that time frame, she thinks she's bad at them. She may have this in her head because she simply doesn't know. She may think that because her prior experiences giving them, the dude finished in 30 seconds.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Ive said it before and Ill say it again. There are many men who ruin BJs for all of us. The ones who con women into giving it up when they arent ready. "Come on its not really sex, its just a BJ" 

Ruins oral for many women that way I believe. And BJs as a whole get this stigma attached to them. A gross thing you have to do for some guy to shut him up. Then when you are in a real loving relationship you shouldnt have to do that gross, selfish thing.

Dont know thats part of my theory/thought on women and BJs. Im sure theres more to it for some.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

If she wanted to give go down on you, she would...

I was married XWW for 16 years. Like you, I went south for her almost every single time we had sex. I always made sure she was satisfied even when it took over an hour and not for reciprocity, but because I enjoyed it making her feel good. I would say the ratio of me going down for her vs. her going down for me was at least 100 to 1...seriously! She would occasionally put in a token 30 to 60 seconds. Only once in our 16 year marriage did she bring me to O through oral. I never made an issue about it but occasionally she would say she didn't do it because she didn't think she was good at it...which was total BS. I always encouraged her and told her she was awesome but that didn't make a difference. I think she didn't do it because she didn't want to do it...period.

I would later discover that she didn't seem to have a problem going down on her posOM.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Before marriage, my now wife was quite enthusiastic about giving oral. Now?? The title of your thread does not compute. Using the words "wife" and "oral sex" are a pipe dream. Enjoy the oral wasteland. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

this is simple. Practice makes perfect! Have her watch some BJ porn, learn some techniques, and try them on you. You can hold up score cards, like 1 to 10!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Mike89 said:


> What things, intentional or not, do you or your partner do to help you overcome that fear? Say you decide to try something with your partner you are nervous about. What could they say or do that would totally boost your confidence?


It would be really helpful if he told me "Baby, I'd like you to do this on me.." If it's something I've never done before and he notices I'm feeling uncomfortable, he could encourage me to go on but change style or while telling me "..Don't worry if you're not doing it right for the firs tim cuz I love how you're willing to perform this on me. Next times I'm sure it'll be better. We'll try this together..."

These are encouraging words which let me know that he appreciates me taking the initiative to try something new ['cuz I could've said "NO" since the beginning without even thinking of trying it] and secondly, telling me that it's ok if I don't do right because he'll help me improve it next time.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

thenub said:


> Before marriage, my now wife was quite enthusiastic about giving oral. Now?? The title of your thread does not compute. Using the words "wife" and "oral sex" are a pipe dream. Enjoy the oral wasteland.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


LOL....almost spit my coffee on the keyboard....unfouratnty also true here...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mike89 said:


> I'm seeking advice from women with similar mentalities as my wife. Or men who have experienced the same. A little bit of backstory:
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 3 years. In that time, and during the few years we dated, she has given me oral sex every 3-6 months. She goes for 30-60 seconds and only one of those times has it gone to completion. I give her oral most times we have sex. The disparity is not the issue here, I quite enjoy making her feel good. While a little more frequency and completion would be nice, my primary goal is for her to be comfortable with it.
> 
> ...



When Mrs.CuddleBug and I first started dating, she asked me if I wanted a BJ. I said sure......when I was about to orgasm, I asked her, do you want me to go out of your mouth? She said no, in my mouth and she swallows. Now at first, she too had performance anxiety. I always said, her oral sex, tongue, saliva, noises, all are amazing. More the better. So over time, she does just that. She has gone from having sex with a bag of rocks feeling to absolutely amazing, to the point its sensory overload for me.

When she gives me a BJ, I place my hands away from her, giving Mrs.CuddleBug complete control and she's much more relaxed that way and gets into it. Afterwards, I have her favorite drink nearby, so my taste is washed away quickly. She burps and laughs.

But by saying her tongue is absolutely amazing, and giving sighs of pleasure, she notices, confidence goes up and up and the BJ gets better and better.

But at first, insecure with performance anxiety.


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