# How do you know when it's not the trickle truth anymore?



## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

First of all I'm new here so HELLO!

So for the past two summers 2015 and 2014 my wife had been living out of state with the kids doing her midwife apprenticeship. When she came back the first summer the kids kept bringing up this other mans name. When I asked her about it she said he was the husband of a friend she was staying with for a while. Fast forward to now and it turns out he was much more. I got in touch with his ex-wife and got a crazy story from her which pushed my wife to start trickling the truth. Here's how the truth trickled:

-he was the husband of a friend
-I was renting some rooms from the ex-wife and he was there renting a room as well but nothing happened.
-I actually met him through a mobile game in 2012 and we've been talking ever since and became friends and he offered his house for me to stay in the first summer. Nothing happened but in the 2nd summer we did date a bit and kissed a couple times.
-The first summer I slept in his room on a air mattress. The 2nd summer I spelt in his bed with him on a off but it was just sleeping.
-We talked about how if we had sex it would be good but it was only talk.
-He slapped my butt once.

That's where it ends. She says they never went further than kissing (not even making out). Never took cloths off. Never touching over or under the clothes.

My question is how do I know there is no more truth? How do I believe that this is the end of the story? If there's more how do I get it out of her?

When I found out it seemed she was disclosing something new every day but now it feels like she's a sponge that's all squeezed out. She says she feels like it would be easier to lie and say she did more just so I would be satisfied. I don't know what to do. I feel like part of me is always going to think she had a sexual relationship with him if the story ends here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry, but you've got quite a ways to go before you reach the end of the trickle-truth.

She's lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry you have not even begun getting anything that resembles the "truth" from your wife. She isn't even trickling yet she is still just making a fool out of you and lying to your face. 

I've never suggested a polygraph to anyone because I don't see the point. If you need to have your spouse take a poly it is time for a divorce. Go see a good divorce lawyer and see what your options are.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

She slept in another man's bed, dated a bit, kissed, talked about how good sex would be (and most likely did have sex). Who cares how much else trickles out, she had an affair, all the while WITH YOUR KIDS. Contact a divorce lawyer, kick her ass to the curb.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she went from renting rooms in the same house to sleeping in the same room both summers to sleeping together in his bed - but nothing sexual ever happened. If you are even considering this as the truth you are blind.

That story is so fantastic it should have started with "Once upon a time...."


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

C'mon man. Why would she have to sleep in his room on an air mattress? You probably only got the info she gave you because she had to try to explain away what the kids may have seen. My ex would have had to believe I was utterly foolish to even attempt such a story.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

is she still your wife?

she has no respect at all for you, her children, or/and the marital vows she took. Divorce her ass as soon as yesterday!!

She went as far as let YOUR kids be around her affair partner??? wow.... this woman has no regards for you at all!!!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

None of us know your wife, but many of us have dealt with trickle truth. The facts simply do not add up here. They wanted to have sex, dated, kissed, slept in the same bed, but no sex? No, you do not have the whole story. Have her take a polygraph.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

As a married woman I find this whole story to be full of bs. 

What married woman spends an entire summer sleeping in the same room with another man who she is not related to? And share a bed with a man who is not her son or husband?

Then, she went on a date and shared kisses. WTF?????

Buddy, the truth is your wife was having an affair while she was away. Trickle truth is not the problem at this stage. The problem should be that your wife CHEATED on you. 

Now how you handle this is up to you. But stop sugar coating this and state it for what it actually it. She is cheating and has cheated.

Cheaters never tell the truth. The will lie over and over again. Some how this will end up being your fault. So confront her and don't expect to hear one word of truth.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Until she admits to sleeping w/ him for the entirety of the second summer, along w/ at least part of the first summer, she's lying.

And even then she'll be TTing you on details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

You know, "Trickle truth" is an oxymoron of the first degree, up there with "Fresh frozen" and "Slightly pregnant". 

One is either telling the truth or they're not. There's no math inherent in the answer, no calculation or percentage that get's it to the magic absolute of "Truth". It's really binary. You're either being truthful or deceptive.

You get to this imaginary place of trickle truth by actually accepting each bit of information as it comes, instead of using your instincts..or in your case, the actual info you get from the kids who are witnesses...and sit down and say you want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

There's times when diplomacy works best, and then there's times when being frank and direct work. This is one of those latter times.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You said that you had gotten in touch with OM's Ex-wife. What was the story that she told? It is probably closer the the truth than what you are getting from your wife.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> You said that you had gotten in touch with OM's Ex-wife. What was the story that she told? It is probably closer the the truth than what you are getting from your wife.


She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.

My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.

At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more. I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I am not a big believer in polygraphs but I do believe in the "parking lot" confessions when a polygraph is threatened.

you could ask her to take one she what she says does.

are they still in contact?

you could try bluffing by saying you have more info and you are going to talk to OM. Have a VAR or two in place before you do this she may try and contact OM to get story straight (if she has not done that already).

or if the game apps is the primary way she communicates with him put some spyware so you see the communication.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

bhk2000 said:


> She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> 
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more. I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


I would suggest she move out, for a while, leaving the kids with you while you aort out your "feelings". Hwr actions when you tell her that will tell you what you need to know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

bhk2000 said:


> She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> 
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. *She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more.* I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


well since she wants to convince you, suggesting a polygraph may not be a bad idea.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bhk2000 said:


> She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> 
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more. I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


Once you're at the point that you're testing the paternity of your kids, it's past time to pull the plug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

bhk2000 said:


> *She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> *
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more. I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


I am so confused. She said they never had sex, so why would he be saying the youngest was his


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

She's been willing to do a Poly from the beginning of me finding out. Low on $$ since paying for the paternity but I'm not going to forget about it. She's still 100% for doing it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bhk2000 said:


> She's been willing to do a Poly from the beginning of me finding out. Low on $$ since paying for the paternity but I'm not going to forget about it. She's still 100% for doing it.


If she's been anticipating a poly for more than 12 hours (max), then getting one will be of absolutely no worth whatsoever.

Don't believe me? Check her Google search history for any entries along the lines of "how to beat a poly".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

You're not a sap. You know the deal. She has been having and is still having an affair with him. I'd venture a guess they've had sex more than 100 times. Don't be in any sort of denial. This is what happened. With affairs there's always fire where there's smoke. Always.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Fascinating.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Her story has more holes than a sieve.....

Wanting a poly is no proof of innocence.

There are several reasons why people offer to take a poly

- They are innocent.
- They think they can beat the poly.
- They think it's BS.
- They think by offering it they showed enough confidence so their partner won't make them take a poly. Basically like the "I swear on the life of our kids." There would be many, many more dead children out there.


How was your wife's reaction to you wanting a paternity test? Did she seem worried? Was your youngest conceived during the summer?

Did you never visit them or did your W and kids always come home or did you have no immediate contact at all during the summer? 
Did you not have suspicions that there were no expenses going to rent? Was she paying him (with money) to stay at his house? Where is the money that was (probably) saved on rent? 

She already admitted to having an EA and a PA (kissing), do you have decided for yourself where your line is?


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

rzmpf said:


> Her story has more holes than a sieve.....
> 
> Wanting a poly is no proof of innocence.
> 
> ...


My wife was on-board with the paternity test to the point where she was excited there was something in this she could give me concrete proof of.

My son was conceived in November of 2012 before the first summer. The ex-wife told me what he told her. His story: My wife was visiting family in a nearby town and they met up and had sex. He must have been making it up because she has no family in that area, she never left town during that time, and most importantly the kid is mine.

I did visit both summers. The first summer we stayed in a hotel. The 2nd summer we met up in another state. I was visiting my parents.

During both summers we talked on the phone almost every day. Most of the time she called me.

Money was never something I thought about but she was mostly staying with friends and just helping with food and some bills.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You have got to pull your head out fo the sand and deal with reality. As others stated: she is cheating and lying to you.

Your wife is no exception to the rule.

You are fearful of reacting with anger and changing the home life and marriage you mistakenly think that you have.

time to get over that and act!

If i were you? I'd consult with a divorce attorney pronto and file for divorce.

Also, get tested for STDs and stop being intimate with her.

Stop giving her any money! Cancel the credit card and protect your finances.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I suggest you find the money for the poly and call her bluff.

See if she is so anxious to take it once she believes you are going to do it.

This story sounds unbelievable to me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is a one in 234,345,987,234,064,298,455 chance she's telling the truth I guess.

You need to get STD tested STAT.

You need to see a lawyer and initiate divorce proceedings

You need to - no, actually SHE needs to - schedule a polygraph. SHE can effing pay for it. (My guess is that she holds out till you get to the parking lot the day of, then breaks down and finally tells you another 50% of the truth, admitting she slept with him, but not the actual real number of times)

Do you even have ANY idea how the two of them even met? Do you have access to your wifes electronics on demand? Her bank account and credit cards?

This woman is a proven liar - she needs to be proving to you she's really turned over a new leaf. Like, falling down desperately trying to prove it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The problem is that your wife was never up front with you from the beginning, whether she did so to prevent you from getting angry for essentially flirting or hiding an affair, regardless, she hide the truth which in effect caused you to start hunting for the truth, and it has killed any trust built between you two..... does she understand her role in all of this and her actions? does she understand that she has done damage to your relationship and trust in her? i am interested in what kind of body language she displays when she is tell you a semi truth, does she look at you or look away.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> My wife was on-board with the paternity test to the point where she was excited there was something in this she could give me concrete proof of.


Good for you that he is your son, on the other hand bad that it was obvious because her reactions could have been telling.



bhk2000 said:


> I did visit both summers. The first summer we stayed in a hotel. The 2nd summer we met up in another state. I was visiting my parents.


Ok, I wanted to know if you ever were at the place she was living at and if she was hiding the guy from you. She didn't have to because you were never there.



bhk2000 said:


> During both summers we talked on the phone almost every day. Most of the time she called me.


Could mean anything. She could be innocent or she wanted you to feel secure. By her calling you she also made sure you would not interrupt her in anything she was doing, maybe one of her dates with the other guy.

Man how does that sound, you wife had dates with another dude, talked about sex with another dude, kissed another dude and slept in the same bed with another dude.
It's just so improbable that nothing happened in this bed.

I want to repeat my question, when is it enough for you? Lying about another man she has an online relationship for years, kissing him and going on dates clearly are not enough for you. 
BJ? Intercourse? Or would that be reconcilable for you depending on her behaviour? Or no matter what?
If she thinks you will stay regardless, there is no benefit for her being truthful if she is lying (and her story is just soooo unbelievable). 
On the other hand if what happened is enough for you to D there won't be any benefit for her to come true either but it won't matter to you because you would be done.
So is D even an option for you and under what circumstances?



bhk2000 said:


> My question is how do I know there is no more truth? How do I believe that this is the end of the story? If there's more how do I get it out of her?


Well you may never really know. Even with a poly doubts can remain, there is no 100% certainty. You can't force her to tell you if she is hiding something, the only thing you can do is to think about what will satisfy you and if you are not satisfied and still doubt her how you want to continue with your life.

What is she doing to regain your trust in your M except her willingness to take a poly? Have you asked her what she would think if you told her such an unbelievable story about a woman that lived with you over the summer while she was away?


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

OP: Does it matter to you one way or another if she had sex with him? If yes than what would you be doing differently if she confessed to a sexual affair? Your answers can be very revealing as it applies to your wife's current behavior.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> 
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more. I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


You know, calling the other people always sounds like a better idea than it usually turns out to be. So do paternity tests and poly graphs.

If you're at that point, it really sounds like you're done..at least temporarily. Your trust has been completely shattered..that's an emotional response...so no amount of technology can repair it. Too much has happened that's been confirmed. 

Maybe you guys need some time and space to really think things over. It doesn't sound like her being right there in your space and your face is doing anything but reminding you of what happened and how devastated you are. That is not fertile ground for healing at all.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

The Polygraph is a tool. Its her reaction to it that counts. I would suggest you demand (not ask) that she take one.

If she is telling the turth and desperately wants you to believe her she will jump at the chance to take it. She will see it as her salvation. A way to give you the assurance you need. A way to rebuild trust again.

BUT.....if she hesitates, protests, gives excuses as to why she does not want to take one....then you have your answer.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The only guy I ever shared a bed with where nothing happened was my dad, and the only reason we shared was because I'd come back to see him while he was sick with cancer. He was staying with my mom and not only was her couch terrible but she wouldn't run the damn air conditioning (summer in Phoenix).

My dad had a mobile air unit in the room he was staying in and a big enough bed so he invited me to share part of it. It allowed us to chat a big chunk of the night and he could still lay down and be comfortable. 

Your wife is lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

bhk2000 said:


> She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> 
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now. She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more. I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


For me a man deserves what he tolerates.

If you tolerate your wife telling you that as a story then you can have zero complaints living a life henceforth of constant second guessing.

There's zero to think about.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> If she's been anticipating a poly for more than 12 hours (max), then getting one will be of absolutely no worth whatsoever.
> 
> Don't believe me? Check her Google search history for any entries along the lines of "how to beat a poly".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


However the Polygraph expert used on the Jeremy Kyle Show says he can tell when people have read the "How to beat a polygraph test" guides.

He can spot the techniques they use. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bhk2000 said:


> First of all I'm new here so HELLO!
> 
> So for the past two summers 2015 and 2014 my wife had been living out of state with the kids doing her midwife apprenticeship. When she came back the first summer the kids kept bringing up this other mans name. When I asked her about it she said he was the husband of a friend she was staying with for a while. Fast forward to now and it turns out he was much more. I got in touch with his ex-wife and got a crazy story from her which pushed my wife to start trickling the truth. Here's how the truth trickled:
> 
> ...


*Sorry, my friend, but she's in so deep with this lout, that she can not only give out in excruciating detail the dimensions of his tallywhacker, but what style of pubes that he sports!

I say to hell with the polygraph! She'd lie to that too! What you're seeing here is the "iceberg" effect ~ the trickle-truth is the 10% of it sticking out of the water; the 90% hidden well beneath the surface is where the sordid truth of all of her infidelities against you lie!

You are a preeminent "Plan B!" And as such, it is your task to fastly execute "the 180" on her deceptive, skanky a$$ by visiting a piranha family attorney who can assess your legal and custodial rights and get the paperwork started on your losing her!

You deserve far, far more out of life than to be "trickle-truthed," cheated on, and habitually lied to!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

When what is being conveyed is consistent and plausible.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> You're not a sap. You know the deal. She has been having and is still having an affair with him. * I'd venture a guess they've had sex more than 100 times.* Don't be in any sort of denial. This is what happened. With affairs there's always fire where there's smoke. Always.


Knowing how sexual adulteress women become during an affair it is conceivable that they probably did have sex that many times. This woman has probably done every act possible in the 2 summers they spent together, banging morning & night. 

The story the ex told you about your wife & POS discussing running off together was probably true. In the heat of an affair, it is common for the POS to future fake the WW. If you look at the threads of the OW section of LS, you know it's very common and works on these women. 

When it blows up, these women are extremely bitter toward their former AP, while at the same time pining night and day for him. Many times willing to be a FWB in order to keep the chance alive. The poor BH doing R with an emotionally absent wife doling out cold duty sex.

What I don't get is why you allowed this long separation without checking up on things. That some serious sleeping on the job.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

It reads like a typical affair progression. She met him through an on line game in 2012 and they started up a "FRIENDSHIP" that carries on for a couple years. That's an EA. Then in 2014 and 2015 she finds herself in his area, without her husband and stays with him. They proceed to date, kiss, he's comfortable enough around her to swat her on the ass, they talk about how good it would be to have sex, and start sleeping in the same bed. When you read it like that, it is almost totally unbelievable they were not having sex. 

If you read through some of the other threads you will see that it's not uncommon for a cheating spouse to stick, convincingly, to a story. Some have held fast to their lie's right up to the front door of the polygraph location, that is when you get the parking lot confession. You should definitely do the poly, and don't be surprised if she is all for it. Most believe if they offer to do the poly and seem excited to do it, that the Betrayed Spouse will not go through with it.

She is already guilty of an affair. Both EA, from online, and PA, from dating another man, kissing him, letting him touch her, and sharing his bed. She has already lied to you and betrayed your trust. Right now nothing she say's can be trusted, so you need to do as other posters have already advised and get an action plan ready. Because even though this poly test will tell you about the sexual aspect of her affair. The bottom line is she has already been having an affair behind your back since 2012, and your marriage has been seriously damaged. This will have to be dealt with no matter the poly outcome.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

bhk2000 said:


> She said they were planning on being together and that he was telling her that our youngest was really his. We've gotten a paternity test since then and he's mine.
> 
> My wife says that she didn't know he was telling her that and that he must have been trying to make his ex jealous.
> 
> At this point I feel like a fool. She's still sticking to her guns and an emotional wreck right now.* She doesn't know how to convince me there is nothing more.* I'll just let that stew for a while. I guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.


More? Isn't that enough?

How much more do you need?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BobSimmons said:


> For me *a man deserves what he tolerates.*
> 
> If you tolerate your wife telling you that as a story then you can have zero complaints living a life henceforth of constant second guessing.
> 
> There's zero to think about.


It seems like lately we've been getting a lot of BHs that are willing to grasp at anything to stay with a WW. These men are willing to tolerate extreme disrespect. For this woman to prance around in front of your kids is outrageous. The only reason she admitted to sleeping in his bed was because the kids saw her. 

A man is not going to be dating, kissing, groping a woman for 2 summers and then get in the bed with her every night and not have sex with her. 

What kind of man even entertains these stories? A man with no self-respect.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

bhk2000 said:


> My question is how do I know there is no more truth? How do I believe that this is the end of the story? If there's more how do I get it out of her?


Bhk,

First... Lawyer UP today.

What you know for sure... your wife was engaged in a LTPA, sleeping every night in the same bed with her AP, FACT. She admits to this. She admits to kissing, FACT. 

She only admits, because she knows that the kids, others saw her openly doing this, FACT. 

What happened under the sheets? She ain't telling. 

Most would divorce, just on the FACTS that you know for sure. 

Let's be honest, what you really only want to know? Did she have Sex during the affair? Buddy, she ain't saying. Why? she knows that divorce is then a 99% reality. 

Personally, you know the chances are slim to none she telling you the truth. This void is going to haunt you for the rest of your marriage, it will never be forgotten, never soften, never go away, FACT. 

IMO, I would go for the long shot, the 2 of you need to go somewhere private, alone, tell her either be honest with me one last time, or I will be filing for divorce. Tell her you can deal with the truth, regardless how bad, but you will not live in shadows and lies with her any longer. Then shut up. 

She will probably TT some more to back you off, but will still hold back the worst. 

Regardless, file.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bhk

Do you want the truth? If they had sex is this a deal breaker for you? Does you wife know if it's a deal breaker? You said the kids were with her, who did they stay with when she worked? Have you taken your kids to a child therapist? If they dated and kissed, did your wife see this as wrong? Here is the question to ask, if you kissed and DATED, at what point did you stop sleeping in his bed with him? You see BHK, she never did, never told you, she slept in his bed because what she was doing was fine to her. Did you ever ask her what she would do if the roles were reversed?

Time for you to invest about $200.00, by four VAR's, one in her car, and the other three in the rooms she talks the most. One in place, call OM, invite him to your house for a weekend. Tell her you have invited him down for the weekend, then tell her you are going to get the truth by questioning both. Also tell her NOT to contact OM in any way, you know she will so be prepared. Install a key logger on her computer, give her cell information to @GusPolinski so he can advise how to get deleted texts. 

BHK, this is if you want to know, but I can tell you this admitting to kissing and sleeping in the same bed is the admission to having sex. She just can't come out and tell you this in person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

It possible she slept in the same bed as the boyfriend and not had sex but its highly unlikely. ( unless she's banking on what a lot of husbands experience, "gee honey, why won't you believe it. We sleep in the same bed and I don't have sex with you")


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

For what it's worth, I am a former wayward wife who had multiple affairs during my first marriage.

My take:

She met a guy online. They began an emotional affair. 

She decided to stay with him, temporarily, to see if it would work out before pulling the plug on your marriage. She was serious or she wouldn't have had the kids living with him, too. And she is only admitting to what the kids saw or what she thinks the kids saw. Wrap your mind around that. _Your kids spent two summers watching mommy live with and sleep in the same bed as another man, probably saw him slap her azz, and probably saw the kiss a few times, too._

She spent two summers with him, in his house and in his bed. 

They had sex. 

She was still on the fence deciding between continuing the affair and the marriage, ending the marriage and moving in with her AP, or leaving the affair and staying married.

You discovered the affair and she is lying through her teeth and betting pretty heavily that you won't be able to prove anything. Which is true, because the only two people who know what happened are her and her AP, and they're both established liars.


Here's what you know for sure:

She has had a "friend" of the opposite sex she has concealed from you since 2012

She moved in with him, with the children, for two summers.

She shared his home, slept in his bed, and had sexual contact with him.

She has been steadily lying to you for at least 2 years, 4 if you count the online relationship, too. (Which I do)

We also know that your son is biologically yours. Which proves NOTHING. All that DNA test means is that either A) she wasn't sleeping with him around the time of conception or B) you won the sperm lottery.


From my point if view, what you know is enough to justify a divorce. If you're interested in actually getting the truth, you need to go to a polygrapher and get the test scheduled. Yes, it is an expense. Yes, it might take some time to save the money. But, in the end, it's worth it. If you can, try to borrow the funds from a friend or family member and pay them back when you have the money or in small payments.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jsmart said:


> It seems like lately we've been getting a lot of BHs that are willing to grasp at anything to stay with a WW. These men are willing to tolerate extreme disrespect. For this woman to prance around in front of your kids is outrageous. The only reason she admitted to sleeping in his bed was because the kids saw her.
> 
> A man is not going to be dating, kissing, groping a woman for 2 summers and then get in the bed with her every night and not have sex with her.
> 
> What kind of man even entertains these stories? A man with no self-respect.


LOL. It's been like this, on TAM, long before you or I joined. It isn't new, nor is it "a lot lately." It's common not to like change and try to set everything back to your own so called normal. Lack of self respect comes later. You can respect yourself, but lose your bearings in the heat of a turbulent permanently life altering event.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The way the brain works, as time passes memories change. What once was truth in detail is now details forgotten filled in with emotionally acceptable "truths" created by our brains for our personal safety and closure. Usually, the big picture is true when they are actually being "truthful" with you. 

In other words, if you don't get the complete truth in the very beginning when it is fresh, you will never get it. You either accept this and move forward with your WS or without them.

In any case, even if it all was truth, it's their truth, not yours. Each of us has a different view of the happenings in our lives. We can't change that view unless our personal experiences change and they can't because it's in the past.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> For what it's worth, I am a former wayward wife who had multiple affairs during my first marriage.
> 
> My take:
> 
> ...


Wow, that was a brutal but accurate assessment from the other side. To me former WWs bring a lot of value. Something about hearing it from a person who's done it, should help the BH see through the bull$hit.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> For what it's worth, I am a former wayward wife who had multiple affairs during my first marriage.
> 
> My take:
> 
> ...


Good summation.

What more do you need?

File.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

First thing you need to do is see if this is your deal beaker. Notice, I didn't say hers or ask if you told her. Sorry, this isn't like spending money or she has an opposite sex friends or coworkers she didn't tell you about. Unless you were swingers beforehand or are in an open marriage, there is NO EXCUSE to have your kids around a random person, your spouse doesn't know, while sharing a room and sleeping with them. Yes, even if NO SEX occurred. She also said they dated and kissed which is another boundary which doesn't need to be mutually discussed. Unless, there was or is a similar caveat as I stated earlier you know it is wrong. Let's not forget the lying. Two summers of lies, physical intimacy, dating and sleeping in the same bed. You have a former wayward wife telling you what she thinks. Honestly, out of everything in this thread, it does sound like a tryout.

Whatever you do, protect access to your kids NOW. Go see a family lawyer, tell them the basics and the fear you'll have after I say this, "My wife has been taking my kids out of state, I think she may run off with them, what can I do."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Under very rare circumstances it is possible for a man to sleep in the same bed as a woman, even a woman he finds attractive, without having sex with her.

I regret to inform you that two summers of this type of behaviour mean that your wife's story is *not* one that fits those very rare circumstances.

To use a rather crude old English countryside expression: "They were at it like a rat up a pump."

Sorry.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> For what it's worth, I am a former wayward wife who had multiple affairs during my first marriage.
> 
> My take:
> 
> ...


 This is an awesome post. OP, please read this and think about it. Your wife's story is unbelievable. You have gotten view points from the Betrayed and the Wayward, and all seem to be in agreement. Your wife's story is simply to fantastic to be believed.

Start looking into your legal rights to protect yourself. She has been grooming your kids for two summers to accept a new daddy. Isn't that how you learned of this guy, from your kids talking all about him? Don't take your wife's word for anything you can't prove in fact. Stay strong, and hold her accountable for her actions.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Palodyne said:


> This is an awesome post. OP, please read this and think about it. Your wife's story is unbelievable. You have gotten view points from the Betrayed and the Wayward, and all seem to be in agreement. Your wife's story is simply to fantastic to be believed.
> 
> Start looking into your legal rights to protect yourself. She has been grooming your kids for two summers to accept a new daddy. Isn't that how you learned of this guy, from your kids talking all about him? Don't take your wife's word for anything you can't prove in fact. Stay strong, and hold her accountable for her actions.


Yea, @MJJEAN 's post was some brutal truth. As a fomer WW, she was able to see behind the curtain and cut straight to what was going down. His wife was test driving this guy, trying to see if the kids would accept him as a step dad. 

That is so hurtful and disrespectful. But after reading so many threads from WWs on LS, I've found that they typically want to leave. If the affair partner is the kind of man that's willing to accept a woman with another man's kids, she will dump her BH without giving it a thought. 

Throw a long term marriage with multiple kids for a man they've known for a few months, that they met on the internet? No problem. He's my soulmate.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> For what it's worth, I am a former wayward wife who had multiple affairs during my first marriage.
> 
> My take:
> 
> ...


I agree. This is what happened, OP. Don't be a chump. Your WW is lying and playing you. Sorry.

(Oh, and it's very possible that she chose that particular midwife program just so she could be with him.)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read back through your posts pretend it's a friend asking your thoughts. What would your conclusion be?


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## weltschmerz (Feb 18, 2016)

She's essentially his wife now.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Oh come on, she had sex with this man. Your children will grow up and the truth will be evident. Your acceptance that she can stay after putting your kids through the trauma that will come should have you packing her bags yesterday, right after you served her with divorce papers the day before yesterday. 

You are already a day late and 2 summers short!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BHK

I understand where you are at right now, so do so many others. You know when I came here I thought my story was unique, I thought it couldn't possibly be like other stories here. But I was wrong, my wife's cheating was no different then anybody else. She lied, she trickle truthed, she was prepared to take it to her grave. TAM educated me brutally, but it was nothing compared to the brutal shock I got when she confessed. 

You see we all came here naive to cheating, why else would we come here? I was a member for just short of a year before I began posting. My therapist actually told me to post on here, it's cathartic to me. Unbeknownst to me I learned, and as I learned I became smarter in my approach with my wife. It took me five months of MC to finally get my wife to crack, five months of preparing her to feel safe. My trickle truth started with "we had lunch together". Simple right, no it got worse. Next they went for a walk, then it was they held hands, then it was they kissed. Do you know my wife swore that was all that happened? After one kiss they made out, then they had sex. But that wasn't the end still, no, my wife got pregnant from her OM. That simply crushed me, and later I sat with a weapon to my head and pulled the trigger. Then it got worse yet, the weapon jammed and I was still to feel the pain. Your youngest is your child, but I hate to tell you this, if your wife didn't go bat shyt crazy that you tested your child, she is not one ounce remorseful. She regrets getting caught, and she thinks if she tells you this much you'll back off. 

Remorseful would be feeling your pain, she isn't there yet, and you need to know why. She told you they dated and slept in the same bed, all the while she kept OM hidden from you for four years. What questions have you asked? Is the only midwife program in his area? I'm sure it's not, but it's the program she chose wasn't it? Don't ask if they had sex, you know they did, instead ask why she wanted to play house with him? Why did she lie for four years about OM? What state was your marriage in? Was she happy with you? How easy was it for her to sleep in the same bed? Would she allow you to do this? Are your children in therapy? Why would she not have them in therapy? One reason, the children know your wife had sex with him. Sometimes your questions have to be less straightforward to get the obvious answer. Switch rapidly between questions about her and then questions about the kids. If you do this right, she will mess up. Just keep switching until she does. 

OP, you have the answers, the real questions are, is this a deal breaker FOR YOU? Is your wife doing everything possible to prove they didn't have sex? Forget money OP, midwifes make very good money, has she paid for a polygraph? No she hasn't, so schedule the polygraph if you need definitive proof. Tell her it's her obligation to pass, and when you get in the parking lot, tell her one answer that shows any kind of deception and you file for divorce. Ask her as you walk in if she thinks a polygraph is reliable enough to stake her marriage on? Ask her just before she goes in, is there anything I should know about OM? Then tell her you called him, and you had a very interesting talk. At this point tell her she will not need her phone to take a polygraph, then wish her well. 

The one thing you need to be is hard, you have to treat your wife as the enemy just like OM is. At the polygraph you need to show you will be ruthless, and you will have no problem walking away from her while going full bore on divorce. You have to show strength, strength that you will make her so very sorry for dating someone while married. I wish you the best of luck, you have a very rough road ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

I'm sorry you are being lied to.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

drifting on said:


> BHK
> 
> Your youngest is your child, but I hate to tell you this, if your wife didn't go bat shyt crazy that you tested your child, she is not one ounce remorseful. She regrets getting caught, and she thinks if she tells you this much you'll back off.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did she take the test? She should have gone crazy as DO says.

File already.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Your youngest is your child, but I hate to tell you this, if your wife didn't go bat shyt crazy that you tested your child, she is not one ounce remorseful. She regrets getting caught, and she thinks if she tells you this much you'll back off.
> 
> Remorseful would be feeling your pain, she isn't there yet, and you need to know why. She told you they dated and slept in the same bed, all the while *she kept OM hidden from you for four years.* What questions have you asked? *Is the only midwife program in his area? I'm sure it's not, but it's the program she chose *wasn't it? Don't ask if they had sex, you know they did, instead ask why she wanted to play house with him? Why did she lie for four years about OM? *What state was your marriage in? *Was she happy with you? *How easy was it for her to sleep in the same bed?* Would she allow you to do this? Are your children in therapy? Why would she not have them in therapy? One reason, *the children know your wife had sex with him. *
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no doubt that she chose that program because of proximity to OM. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason she pursued that major in the 1st place. 

I too wonder about the state of the marriage before the EA, during the EA, and when she went into basically his wife mode? How was your sex life through this and since then? Most times WWs stop having sex with their BH because it makes them feel like their cheating on their real man.

How are the kids adjusting. They've been seeing another man do things with mommy that must have not seemed right to their young minds. They may not know about sex but on a subconscious level, they understand that mommy & POS are being like mommy and daddy. Are they now going to have warped thoughts on marriage and monogamy? It's ok to cheat because my mom did in front of me. 

Waywards do so much damage to the kids. Even if there is no divorce. The emotional neglect is huge. These people, when not sneaking around with their AP, are totally emotionally absent. They may be in the house but their minds and hearts are not. 

The question that you asked is this something that OP can push through? Personally for sexual PAs, I ALWAYS advise BHs to divorce. If there's something to salvage with a TRULY remorseful wife, a new relationship with the former wayward doing the heavy lifting to earn your love, then it can slowly lead to a new untarnished marriage. 

But OP's wife is like most WWs, not remorseful. I'd gather she has one foot out the door, waiting on Mr Wonderful to take her away. She allowed him to test drive her unencumbered for 2 summers with the kids in tow. So he really knows what he's getting. She is still with OP because POS hasn't come to claim his woman yet.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jsmart said:


> There is no doubt that she chose that program because of proximity to OM. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason she pursued that major in the 1st place.


Looks like minored in Sharedwife while she was there (or maybe it was the other way around and she minored in Midwife). I'd be surprised if she didn't stop or become much less enthusiastic about sex before her "same time next year" guy came along.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> There is no doubt that she chose that program because of proximity to OM. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason she pursued that major in the 1st place.


Or at the very least, after deciding on midwifery, choosing a study location close to this guy.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

(1) Otherwise do you have a good relationship and great sex with your wife?
(2) Is she still in contact with this man?
(3) Were you aware that letting your wife go off on her own like that might lead to something like this? Were you ever nervous at all?
(4) Do you enjoy anything about this? Do you have any **** tendencies?
(5) Do you trust her that this won't happen again?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

What truth are you chasing. You have the truth. She slept with him. Just re read what you have written. She sleeps in his bed for a whole summer but they never had sex.

The mere fact that you have not called her out on this alone is astonshing


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Hmmmm.....OP posted here and on SI and has not been back since 6/24 on either site.

And there is a post on Loveshack in the infidelity board by a Plummeria (or something close to that) which seems to be the OP's WW....she has not posted since 6/24 either.

Odd that they both started posting simultaneously and stopped in sync.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Just read her thread on LS. I don't buy her story. the typical WW $hit. Was on a road trip with friends and found herself in the state that OM was at. It's always "it just happened" No fvcking accountability. Everything just happens to them. 

Doesn't mention that her BH found out about it through their kids. Her husband is supposed to meet her emotional needs but his physical needs can go wanting. With his wife running off, he goes trolling for sex online and supposedly had 30 dates. Doesn't mean he got to close with any of them but going by the type of women you find online, there's a good possibility he must have closed on at least a handful.

According to her post, they seem to be reconnecting. Maybe this can be salvaged if OP can overlook that she probably did have sex or at least gave him a few BJs


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Hey, it's 3 days. Is the OP coming back to update?


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## skyhawk (Jan 6, 2014)

Hi BHK,
There are lots of posts here that advocate immediate destruction of your marriage, based on infidelity. I think they are probably right about the in infidelity but that's not the point.

Here's where it's at.
Can you handle your wife having sex with someone else? That is probably a discussion you need to have with yourself then with her.
It may take years to get the truth, it may happen quickly, regardless there is much more consideration required on what you will or won't accept.

whether this is the end of your marriage or an enabler that strengthens it is something that depends on the two of you getting to a point of acceptance that everything is out on the table and you can move forward together. If you don't think you can live with that, then you should end it in the best possible position you can for the both of you.
Things dragging on for years is torture - take it from one who knows.

All the best,
Skyhawk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your wife should have stayed on the air mattress in the same room as your kids.


I don't think that would have been conducive to what these two love birds had in mind to perennially consummate their summer romance.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Palodyne said:


> Hey, it's 3 days. Is the OP coming back to update?


I'd be surprised if he did. He got too much negative feedback and he doesn't want to hear it. 

He doesn't want to act on it.

Fear is a killer.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I know. I was just stating the obvious. Sometimes you have to point out the plain-as-the-nose-on-your-face facts. Because I don't see there being a snowball's chance in h/ll for OP's marriage to survive both the infidelity and the insulting attempt by his wife to cover it up.


I'm wanting to see what happens if our man BHK tell her to take a poly.
Talking about shyt hitting the fan!


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Dude you need to kicker her a$$ to the curb. She brought some other guy around your kids enough to where they are mentioning his name. That is so disrespectful it's not even funny. She also keeps lying to you and won't come clean. She slept in his bed man. There is no more thinking here. You had to get a pat test for your kid. Stop letting her piss all over your dignity. Cut her off from your finances, call your lawyer, get your kids, and leave this chick. It'll be the best move you ever made. TRUST ME.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Dyokemm said:


> Hmmmm.....OP posted here and on SI and has not been back since 6/24 on either site.
> 
> And there is a post on Loveshack in the infidelity board by a Plummeria (or something close to that) which seems to be the OP's WW....she has not posted since 6/24 either.
> 
> Odd that they both started posting simultaneously and stopped in sync.


If the LS thread is his wife's, then the situation is even stranger than he described here.

According to the LS thread OP's wife moved to the state where OM lives trying to get away from the M, OP dated several other women while she was away and told her, she said she wouldn't like to date but she went back to OM trying to find out if this relationship would work and both OP and his wife did not have sex with their new partner(s) and both came to the conclusion that they should work on their M.

According to her now they are happier than ever except they basically don't believe each other that they did not have sex with other people and OP has major trust issues....but the marriage is better than ever (how bad was it before?)

Just effed up.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Her Affair is really long one. She cheated on you 2012 so you should DNA test your kid.

Affair never stoped and never will. 

She moved in with OM in 2015 and keeps living with him for two years. 

How could you live like this my friend ? This is not a Marriage or any kind of partership with your "wife".


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