# My dh hates everything: his job, other people, life,etc



## andromeda

I'm so tired of listening to my dh complain about life. I mostly think I live with Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde and he admits he's a big part of our marriage problems. Lately he's been really stressed about work and he keeps talking about quitting. Now, let me explain his job to you all: He is in sales, works at home, can play tennis whenever he wants, gets up as late as he wants, works in his underwear, travels to San Diego monthly, and gets to finish work most days by 3:30 PM(unless his tennis session goes too long in the AM, LOL). Anyway, he hates the people he works with, constantly feels put upon, feels under appreciated at work etc. I keep reminding him of how grateful he should be that he has this job and I try to point out the positives, as usual. He just goes on and on and responds to me like 'whatever'.

I swear the man isn't happy unless he's miserable about something. He hates people and goes on and on about how he wants to live in cabin in the middle of nowhere and how he wants to live in Italy(ummm, how is Italy any better than here? It's beautiful yes, but they have their own social problems and government issues, hello?) or in another country because Americans are stupid.

He has an elitist mentality. Everyone is stupid, just ask him. If you drive a truck and have facial hair then you're a dou**ebag. If you are a teenager, you're just plain stupid in general. And, if you're a babyboomer then you're selfish and you're ruined our country. The feminists have chopped off all the men's 'goods' and now most men are sheep.....blah, blah, blah....should I really go on? 

He has problems with noise: leaf blowers, landscapers, neighbor's dogs barking, kids with bass driving down the street. All things that I never even noticed until he points them out. He worries incessantly and obsessively about work and whether they're going to fire him(he's the top sales person of the year and makes well over 6 figures most years). He complains of chest tightness because of this obsessive thinking. He is nearly impossible to live with and even more impossible to have sex with. I mean, who wants to have sex with someone who hates everything about the world that you love? And, he even told me last week that he knows I'm just tolerating this marriage and biding my time and that I've put my libido in a box under the bed. Well, maybe it wouldn't be like that if he wasn't so difficult to live with. And, he gets sex about 2 times a week which I initiate because I know that sex is important to men and I try very hard to give him a good time even though I, myself, may not be feeling all that sexual.

Sigh, I've come here looking for some book recommendations. We've done the counseling but he's so good with his words and his 'selling' skills that he makes it seem like we're working through our problems just fine and he'll come right out and admit he's got problems and he'll even state each one for you. The docs and counselors all think he's a genius and this guy just has some minor problems so we'll just send this couple on their way with a pat on the back and a nice congratulations: You realize you have issues, that's a big part of the solution. Good for you. I'm so tired of these counselors being fleeced by him and me coming out looking like I'm the crazy one.

I've been thinking that I really need to record our conversations just to prove that he's insane. He's ridiculously tied to being right all the time. He'll tell me how to drive, get around this truck if you don't want a hole in your windshield. Don't stay behind anyone with a bunch of stickers on their windows, their bound to make a stupid move. AARRGGGHHH! 
It's gotten to the point that I don't like to take vacations with him anymore. He complains about airport security, he makes fun of all groups of people, he gets frustrated when lost in a new city. We were supposed to be taking a family vacation to San Francisco in 2 weeks but he's telling us(my son and I) to not come up. He's going to be there for a work meeting and he thinks he'll be too stressed out to enjoy any time with us. He said we'll go to San Fran another time when it doesn't involve work. Guess I'm never going to San Fran, because I'll be damned if I travel anywhere with this man any time soon! I'm just fed up and we have an 11 year old and I'm trying so hard to be positive and to create a good environment for him. I defend my husband and say, 'dad's got it hard and sometimes he just exaggerates his frustrations. He may hate the world but I know he loves us, etc'. Luckily, my son is pretty laid back like me and seems to get it as best as a kid can. Yet, my son has OCD and other anxiety issues and I wonder how much he inherited from my husband. My father in law is on 3 different anti depressants at the age of 80! OK: I've written a book and I thank you if you've read this far!

B


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## jrnyc

I feel your pain. While I can't offer any great advice, I wanted to post in support. Some of the comments about your husband and his elitist mentality are right inline with my wife. It is hard, sometimes, to remain positive and to enjoy life around you with that negativity. I don't have an answer, as I am currently stuck in relationship ambivalence myself. Thoughts are with you - JR


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## turnera

I was going to say, either record his conversations, or write them down. I wrote down all the negative things my husband said one day and the list was over 25 items long!

Put your foot down; I didn't, and I struggle to keep DD19 from being just as negative as my husband.


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## andromeda

Thank you both for responding. Turnera, I just bought a digital recorder for the exact thing you speak of. I'd like to discreetly record him and bring it into counseling. I have called a few counselors today but many don't have availability or don't have evening hours which I really need right now. 

We had a long talk last night and he stated, "It's not you, it's not you(speaking to ds), it's work. I'm tired of my company lying to me, I'm tired of having my goals reset every year and being told good job but we're raising your goals again next year, etc. He's just extremely frustrated with work, but I have to say that he's always been frustrated with work. He was sent to counseling many years ago from his employer because of his outbursts so frustration with work may be part of the problem, but it's not the whole thing. He's tired of just 'being' and feels there is no hope for the future. 

I tried getting him to open up but he veers off subject and talks about how I hate sex(I don't, I just don't enjoy it with him sometimes because it's hard to be in the mood when he's been snapping and terse all day long), etc. Then I have to rein him in and get him talking about what he was originally talking about which is work and 'no hope for the future'. It's sad, and I'm tired of being sad, but I know I have to stay. I committed to this marriage and we have our child. I know it may not be the best environment but if I left him and took ds, I'd leave the state and then ds wouldn't have a relationship with his dad and I'm afraid that wouldn't be good for him in the long run. My dh is actually a good father. Ds would miss having dh around despite the trouble we are having with him now.


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## Mismatched

Andromeda, 

This is the story of my short 4 year old marriage. He wasn't like this when I met him but boy did he change after marriage. I don't know if you are on here anymore but if you are, did recording him help? I just got a recorder and plan on using it.


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## CallaLily

He needs some books on coping skills. Regardless of if its his job or something else, it sounds like he doesn't know how to cope when life gets him down, period. Has he been checked for depression too? Maybe some meds might be a good too along with coping skills.


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## Jellybeans

Is he suffering from depression?


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## Darkhorse

I would say paranoia, depression, sensory processing disorder or all 3.


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## katc

OMG - sounds like my husband.

****ty way to live.

Put him on St. John's Wort - seems to have lessened the "quick to anger" stuff, but he's still the same a'hole.


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## tired2001

This is all too familiar. My husband hates everything. Every day he gets up and says how his life sucks. He complains constantly about work (he does work a lot, but makes great money), having to do things at home, having to run errands, having to go to social events on the rare occasion that we go somewhere, having people over to our house, etc. etc. etc. He hates people, he hates work, he doesn't enjoy doing things around the house, and he doesn't enjoy hobbies and sports like he used to. When I ask him what he would really like to do and what would be most enjoyable for him, he says he can't think of a single thing. And the noise---my dh does the exact same thing. Any little noise gets on his last nerve, puts him in a bad mood, and makes him extremely irritable. 

Knowing the signs of depression, I've tried to talk to him about talking to a therapist or getting meds, but he just blows me off. 

In our wedding vows, which we wrote ourselves, one of the things I said I really admired about him and was drawn to was his positive attitude and optimism. Both of my parents suffered bouts of depression when I was growing up, and one of my parents even committed suicide (but neither of them ever talked/acted/complained like this). I needed positivity and happiness in my life. And now I'm just constantly told that life is horrible. I know it sounds selfish, but I've been around sadness for too long. I have enough stress with my family issues, my work (I work just as much if not more than him), and living far away from everyone I know (I moved to his state), to be constantly reminded that life is horrible.

I'm at my wit's end. So I guess I don't have any advice, but we can commiserate. I assure you that life is not horrible, and we're going to figure out how to make the best of it.


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## CantePe

Darkhorse said:


> I would say paranoia, depression, sensory processing disorder or all 3.


The last perhaps but I'd say none of the above.

Two words for you:

ASPERGER'S SYNDROME - think autism, very high functioning spectrum of autism. What OP describes with sensory issues, the obsessive behaviors, the inappropriate social behaviors and the almost OCD'ishness in all aspects of life is Aspie behavior ALL THE WAY!!!

My middle child is an Aspie (Asperger's short form term is Aspie or Aspie Lite for "milder" cases).


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## turnera

tired, may I suggest that you either send your husband packing or you pack yourself and separate for a month or two? Your husband could use a wakeup call, a la "It's a Wonderful Life." See what life is without you; maybe he'll get a wakeup call.


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## YinPrincess

I had to mention, since you said he has problems with noise, that he may suffer Misophonia. I've had it all my life, and it can contribute greatly to being irritable, stressed out and negative. If he's like me, he may have adapted his life just so the painful distractions are kept to a minimum.

I wish I could give you better advice, but maybe just listen to him, instead of trying to solve his problems. Try to relate to him, I know you mean well when you point out the positives in life, but sometimes this can feel dismissive... I hope things get better for you both... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief

This may sound like a strange question, but is his heritage HUNGARIAN? I come from a long line of Hungarians and they are like your husband. My father sounds just like your husband. To a TEE. All my Hungarian relatives are mad at the world, fighting with each other, are very greedy, would sell their own mother down the river for money. 

Yes, they are not happy unless they are miserable. Problem with that is, YOU are not allowed to be happy in his presence. One Xmas, my sister and I were laughing about something and my father threw a fit and told us to shut up. We were laughing! What is wrong with laughing?

People like your husband and my father are impossible to be around. I have to take a Xanax at family functions. They are emotional vampires and want you as miserable as they are. 

There is nothing you can do to change him. Is it possible you could leave him? I know it is not so easy, like you said in your post. But you need to get away from this vampire before he sucks you dry. The way I coped with my father's rage was to pretend I was full of rage too. I was 4 when I started doing that. Needless to say, I have had to go to therapy, have horrible anxiety attacks, and I have to catch myself because sometimes I find myself hating people, *****ing about stupid stuff, just like him. I don't want to be like him. 

Please hang in there and keep us posted.


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## Jellybeans

This poster hasn't been back since 2010.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

He sounds like my ex. I think he might have asperger's, I found out my daughter does have a sensory processing disorder which is related to asperger's. My ex wasn't happy unless he was high and even then he was still a jerk a lot of the time. I got to the point where I didn't want to go on vacations, long trips or spend time alone with him. He hated it when I was happy. 
I don't know what to tell you, maybe you could look up asperger's and see how other spouses deal with them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011

I know this is an old thread, but wow that is like reading about myself. I am an elitist snob who thinks most people are stupid. I hate my mundane job even though I am lucky to have it so good. I hate tthe city I live in though the economy is good and cost of living is good, but it does suck. It's Houston, nobody likes this city. 

I can't stand noises like Leaf blowers or the phone ringing when I am concentrating on something. 
I have a general disdain for things like the mall or tv shows like The Bachelor or American Idol. Who are the retards who watch that garbage?

I can't stand so many of the people I am surrounded by: the ********, white trash people or ghetto black people. I prefer the illegals from mexico but then they breed like rabbits which irritates me. 

I do want to move out to some place away from the hustle and bustle. But I don't want to be around small town people with their small town mentality.

It is negative, but it's other people. They can just be so stupid. It's hard not to be negative because you have to interact. I don't want to be some hermit. Reading this has been eye opening though. I knew I had to work on being more optimistic, so I keep trying.

The one difference is I don't take it out on others as I am very conscious of doing so. I have a very rigid sense of doing the right thing and treating people fairly. Which is part of the frustration 
since there is so much Injustice in the world. And so many people will screw over others. It feels like a constant assault and I have to constantly vigilant. It gets to ya. 

I reaaly do have a good life, and I try to do the right thing and be good to others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Hmmmm. I hope you have a sense of humor. It seems sometimes that's caused by a case of hipsteritis and the only cure is a big dose of "getthe****overyourself" on a daily basis. Worked for me! I have a much higher tolerance for people now. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie

andromeda said:


> Thank you both for responding. Turnera, I just bought a digital recorder for the exact thing you speak of. I'd like to discreetly record him and bring it into counseling. I have called a few counselors today but many don't have availability or don't have evening hours which I really need right now.
> 
> We had a long talk last night and he stated, "It's not you, it's not you(speaking to ds), it's work. I'm tired of my company lying to me, I'm tired of having my goals reset every year and being told good job but we're raising your goals again next year, etc. He's just extremely frustrated with work, but I have to say that he's always been frustrated with work. He was sent to counseling many years ago from his employer because of his outbursts so frustration with work may be part of the problem, but it's not the whole thing. He's tired of just 'being' and feels there is no hope for the future.
> 
> I tried getting him to open up but he veers off subject and talks about how I hate sex(I don't, I just don't enjoy it with him sometimes because it's hard to be in the mood when he's been snapping and terse all day long), etc. Then I have to rein him in and get him talking about what he was originally talking about which is work and 'no hope for the future'. It's sad, and I'm tired of being sad, but I know I have to stay. I committed to this marriage and we have our child. I know it may not be the best environment but if I left him and took ds, I'd leave the state and then ds wouldn't have a relationship with his dad and I'm afraid that wouldn't be good for him in the long run. My dh is actually a good father. Ds would miss having dh around despite the trouble we are having with him now.


what you are writing, I am picturing my wife saying the same thing, as I am that skeptical person who always seems to be complaining about... well everything! 

I have tried to get help with my behavior- always responding with anger, going to lengths to make my point that I am right, and always being critical of others, and seeking confrontation, but have failed with cousneling. 

I don't know what triggers these behaviors, but I am sure it evolved in his household growing up. You mention his dad has some depressive medications to keep him in check. My dad and mom were very critical of me, outcasting me as a child. These experience I still live with today, and I am 33 yrs old with a family of my own. 

My worst fear is having my daughter see this type of person I am. 

I don't have any advice, and I really don't know why I am writing this without any positive feedback for you. But thank you


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## turnera

Humble, you can get help for that - there are tons of agencies and material that you can go to. Do it for your kids so they don't repeat YOUR behavior.


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## Unhappy2011

diwali123 said:


> Hmmmm. I hope you have a sense of humor. It seems sometimes that's caused by a case of hipsteritis and the only cure is a big dose of "getthe****overyourself" on a daily basis. Worked for me! I have a much higher tolerance for people now. Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol. That's funny. I just read my post from almost a month ago and I am so much happier, and subsequently more tolerant, now as I continue down the path of being the best person I can be for myself.

It is funny though. 

Cheers
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie

turnera said:


> Humble, you can get help for that - there are tons of agencies and material that you can go to. Do it for your kids so they don't repeat YOUR behavior.


thank you Turnera, you suggestion is much appreciated


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