# I'm depressed...so what.



## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm going through some stuff and I am also a big introvert. I become quiet and somewhat withdrawn inside of my safe mental "shell". It's my happy place when I'm down. I'm on Prozac which my wife has full knowledge of. 

Wife took notice and asked what is going on. I replied that I've checked out and dealing with certain things and it doesn't involve her, not to worry. 

She went behind my back and called my mother. I have been clinically depressed for years, and I know how to handle the dark days. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. 

I feel somewhat insulted that she called my mom. I have never made any threats of suicide. I haven't had a drink in 5 years. 

I have issues, I never hid it from her, and I know how to cope with it. She is a bit on the self centered side and never really shown much interest with me. She will ask out of formality but then changes the conversation to the candles she bought on clearance.

I guess I just needed to vent.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

vent away. i have suffered depression in the past, so I know where you're coming from.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

What did she say to your mother?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I called my brother's doctor when he was severely depressed. I was worried about him. He didn't speak to me for two years. But at least he didn't kill himself like he was planning.

And I know you're in a bad place, but I'm going to ask you to consider this. And please understand this is just me guessing, I don't know you, but I do know about people dealing with chronic depression and anxiety, so I'm going to share what I imagine your marriage might be like based on all the other people I've dealt with. If this is off base from what your situation is like, I apologize.

You are an introvert, so you likely give your wife very little of the interaction, passion, excitement, conversation that most women crave. No going out dancing? Joining neighborhood bridge or poker clubs? Taking classes together? Block parties? She's had to learn to expect...less than she probably had hoped for. 

Add to that, you're clinically, chronically depressed, right? Enough that you have to have an ongoing prescription for Prozac, not lightweight stuff. So I'm going to ask you to try to imagine what it's like for a spouse to have to live with someone with your condition. You withdraw - to YOUR happy place, leaving your wife likely feeling like she's a single mother (if you have kids) or divorced. The ongoing issue leaves her having to be the strong one, the one keeping the family going, the one who probably doesn't get to take down time because she's already responsible for everyone.

You say she's selfish and changes the subject. Is she selfish about everything? Or is it just when it comes to your condition? If it's the former, I don't have a beef with you feeling insulted; maybe you're just a bad match. If it's the latter, though, it's a fair bet SHE feels fed up with having to have your condition as a third member of the marriage, something she never gets to walk away from. 

You say she never shows much interest in you. Can you specify? If you're withdrawn, depressed, in your own little happy place a fair bit of the time, can you imagine what it's like for her living with that on a daily basis? She probably didn't expect, when you were dating, that once you got married, she was giving up the going out, the romance, the dates, the fun person you probably tried to be to get her to go out with you. So she probably feels just as let down as you do. 

People who aren't depressed have a hard time with people who are - they often get to a point where they just feel 'why don't you just DO something about it? why does it have to be with us for the rest of our lives? are we never going to have a normal life again?' They don't understand that you just don't 'stop' being depressed or having anxiety or being withdrawn; it's who we are. They can't imagine what it's like.

But my guess is that she's probably reaching a point where she's just tired of being the only one supporting this when you 'go away' to your happy place, so she called your mom, hoping to get some help or relief.

Bottom line, you told her it 'doesn't involve her.' But it does. That's the one thing those of us with depression have trouble remembering. The worst thing I ever heard was my DD25 telling someone a few months ago that her childhood was a product of (1) her dad's over bearingness and (2) her mom being depressed for her whole childhood. I, too, thought 'it doesn't involve you'; but it does. It did - and she's a product of my depression and my not forcing myself out of my comfort zone and my happy place, for her sake.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I too suffer from depression but I talked to my wife about it and she was the one against getting an antidepressant. She comes from an old fashioned family where you were taught to just suck it up and fix it yourself. I am somewhat more enlightened than that even though I come from a time when the solution to everything was to rub dirt on it and walk it off. 

I went through hell for two years trying every AD on the market but Prozac. They were all horrible and left me as either a zombie or unable to perform sexually which made me even more depressed. Finally my doctor recommended that I try an old school AD, called Wellbutrin, which increases libido, intensifies orgams, produces slight weight loss and makes you feel happy. I tried it and it work well for me. Not perfect but good enough to make me feel happy instead of sad every day. It put an end to my obsessive negative thinking and allowed me to some obsessively thinking about things all night that never came to pass. Plus I was having great sex but my wife does not appreciate my constant desire for it. 

Like many, as soon as I felt better for a few months, I figured I was cured and could stop taking my AD. Wrong. I soon found myself trying to find a reason to get out of bed and worrying about everything. So I went back on it and then stopped again because it blurs my vision a little and messes with my short term memory. I again went back to them because the benefits of the drug outweighed the side effects. So now I feel happy and am nice all the time. 

The last two times my wife urged me to get back on my AD because she notices a big difference and living with me without my AD is not very pleasant. So I made up my mind to stick with my AD and life has been very good. My only issue is like yours. I seldom leave my house. It is not out of any phobia but more of a feeling that I am happy at home and have all that I need here. 

I have needed friends less and less over time. People tried to make me feel like there is something wrong with me and I thought they were right until I read a book by anneli rufus, titled "party of one", The Loners Manifesto. Lower case letters as used on the book cover. It goes on to explain why being a loner is normal and why there is no need for therapy to figure out how we got this way as long as we are happy. That is the problem though. Others feel that normal is interacting with others and getting involved in the minutia of their lives as witnessed by Facebook. People get upset and even kill themselves over what others say about them online. Is that really normal? It is a good book that made me believe that I am good as I am, and do not need other people to make me happy. In fact, it is a more freeing life to be your own company and live your life as you wish and not be influenced by others. I have always been the family member who turned down an invitation to a family function or request of a friend, if I did not feel like attending. It is amusing to note that my aunts and uncles call me their favorite nephew and that is because unlike my cousins, I am not involved in their lives enough to upset them or make them resentful because they did not get a good table at a wedding or were not invited to something.

So try to stick with your AD. I also suggest that if the side effects are worse than the cure, try other things. As I said, it took me two years of trying different AD's to find something that does not give me terrible side effects. As far as being a loner, be happy about it. I am because I no longer view it as others do; a mental disorder because I do not need other people in my life to be happy. I am very happy as I am and it took me sixty years to be at peace with who I am. Good luck to you and keep your wife in the loop. Tell her how you feel and why you want to do the things you do. Now that my wife understands she encourages me to get the help I need and stick to my medications except when they have no effect on how I behave to her. Even that is changing due to several medical issues she had last year that requires her to take medication all the time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> Wife took notice and asked what is going on. I replied that I've checked out and dealing with certain things and it doesn't involve her, not to worry.


Diesel, Your wife is right. It does involve her. Me, I'm an introvert and was having issues in Dec. Told my wife same story you did - my problem, not hers, I will deal. But she had to deal with me. I went back on Zoloft. Feeling great. Wanted to stop taking it and wife said NO. She was right.

Your wife cares about you. She DID WORRY. She saw you hurting and did what see thought was best for you. Be very happy about that, as best you can be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wellbutrin is what worked for me, too. And no side effects whatsoever. I just became more motivated to join the real world and not ignore my family.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies and thoughts. I did speak to my mother today about the conversation, my mother said my wife was concerned because I'm withdrawing. I still take care of my daughter and stuff around the house. Only difference is I don't want to waste my energy getting the list of items she got at Sam's club and how much it was. I don't care.

I have partially amputed my foot a few years ago and even when I called to let her know I wouldn't be home, she said she went back to bed.

But again, I feel judged for my ways of coping until this blows over and it will.

I'm just clinically depressed, not needing an intervention to discuss that I do more blow than Keith Richards. 

My wife's big motivation in life is shopping, not so much dancing and whatnot. I've tried giving her social clues about when she's rambling on and on.

So I mean kids are all taken care of, bills are caught up, but I have a hard time accepting some major life changes stemming from MS. 

I have a hard time accepting that I'm considered legally handicapped and I'm not able to do quite a bit of the physical activities I loved so much.

Thanks again everyone. I'll keep reading whatever thoughts....

I'm majorly bummed out, not hooked on Meth and need an intervention. These things come and go.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

My work has a gym and I find amateur body building a good way to cope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I have a hard time accepting that I'm considered legally handicapped and I'm not able to do quite a bit of the physical activities I loved so much.


I'm sure you do! That's quite an adjustment, and you probably need to go through the stages of grief to deal with it - have you read about that?

That said, this is something you should be dealing with in front of a therapist. Are you?


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