# help me im going crazy



## mikee (May 2, 2013)

well this is the first time ive posted here and actually visited. Ill just get right into it. About 7 months ago i found out my wife of 10 yrs was having an emotional affair for at least 3 months, now maybe im a big sissy but this was the most traumatic experiece of my life. and maybe that is a good thing? We have 2 gorgeous little girls, and we had come so far from the first 7 yrs of our marriage, so i thought? We had never been better emotionally, mentally, and physically, so i thought? She suddenly started treating me like a bad dog. She became very secretive with her phone, and constantly wanted to be gone. It didnt take me long to become suspiscious, the comments, the forgetting to put on her ring, and ofcourse the changing of passwords on her phone and facebook. She swears nothing physical happened but damn, i found almost 1800 texts on our bill to this specific guy in just one month, and she even told me that she thought we needed time apart. I remember one night before i went to work being on my hands and knees like a wimp, upset of course asking her to just talk to me, how can we go from so happy to her so unhappy and cruel to the me, the guy who for yrs has been a good husband, good dad, and just an overall solid and reliable person. There is so much more to the story of things that went on, specifically of how she treated me, to be honest was cruel and inhumane, if did the same to her i would be and emotionally and menally abusive husband! Not one to judge somone on physical appearances, but good god this guy is not very desirable to most,, and my wife is cute and nice looking, Anyway 7 months later i am thinking about leaving? i found out during my investigation of this affair that at one pt in our marriage she was talking to an ex again, and to be honest she has just not been as good a spouse as i expected or deserve, but thought she made huge changes the last 3 yrs. Now it is like i am the bad guy because i cant let it go, im trying but i see this guy often and just want to pound his face in, lol but so far have contained myself. We moved to her town 3 yrs ago to get away from somethings, started going to church here, made lots of new friends here, and now i llive 4 blocks from the guy she was thinking about leaving me for.(she wont say that but her actions leave me no doubt) Ive tried to talk to her about calling it quits and she gets very upset and cries and apologies, and it stops me, along with my little girls who i am very close with. I dont want to hurt her even though she to be honest just crushed me. there is so many more things i have turned the other cheek on, ignored and let slide and now i think i may have had enough trying to find the strength to get out with hurting anyone is that even possible? I know that this might be minor for what some people have to endure, and maybe insulting to some for me to think this is a big problem, however it is effecting me very much. Am i justified at getting the hell out and just trying to find some peace, and becoming a better dad, son, brother, uncle, friend and maybe a great husband again someday? losing my mind in illinois


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry that you find yourself here. You are not a wimp for the reaction you have had to your wife's EA (or maybe PA as well?). Your pain and reaction is pretty normal. It takes 2-5 years for the betrayed spouse to heal from an affair. You are only a few months out.

Before you decide what you will do here, I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and well worth it for the guidance it gives.

Your wife acted the way she did towards you during the affair because she was in what we call the "affair fog". Affairs really mess up the head of the cheating spouse. It's not an excuse. Just wanting you to know that it's pretty typical.

Some questions:

Has she ended all contact with the OM? Has she sent him a no-contact letter? You need to know what in the letter and be there when it's mailed.

Have you exposed her affair to her family and the OM's wife? If you have not, you need to do this as it's one of the quickest ways to put an end to the affair.

What is your wife doing to start to show that she can be trusted?


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

mikee said:


> I know that this might be minor for what some people have to endure, and maybe insulting to some for me to think this is a big problem, however it is effecting me very much. Am i justified at getting the hell out and just trying to find some peace, and becoming a better dad, son, brother, uncle, friend and maybe a great husband again someday? losing my mind in illinois


This isn't minor at all, it's as big an infidelity as it gets, don't minimize the reality of it.

Are you justified in trying to find peace? Yes, of course, you need to take full charge of you're life.

If she isn't being 100% transparent with you, you have a problem, so focus on that, no transparency, no marriage, it's her call.

Start putting yourself in a single frame of mind and make preparations to that end, and on the side, assist your wife in coming clean, but only secondary to you preparing for an outcome that she evidently caused (we don't know all the details I'm sure) and she can prevent with a little effort on her part.

T

P.S. No more hands and knees, ever.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> Am i justified at getting the hell out and just trying to find some peace, and becoming a better dad, son, brother, uncle, friend and maybe a great husband again someday?


yes, you are justified. as of right now, you're acting like a complete doormat- STOP! make it clear to her that you won't stand for these shenanigans any longer.

if this man is married, i suggest you expose this inappropriate behavior to his wife.


----------

