# How to start dating again?



## SadDaisy

I have been separated and now divorced. I moved out November of last year. Shared custody. Husband is an alcoholic. Ex husband. We live in the same town. I am staying here because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. I could have accepted a much better position in a larger city.
I am ready to get back to dating. I really am not looking to play. I want a serious relationship. I am 38 years old, a busy professional, self sufficient. Not looking for a sugar daddy, but I am not willing to become a sugar mommy. I will be trying to meet a man with similar education level and comparable income. ( Masters+, 100K+).
Any input?


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## EleGirl

If you are just starting to get your feet wet, I'd suggest that you start with just socializing more. Get out and meet people.

One good way to do that is to check on meetup.com for your area. See what is going on that interests you. Go meet people who are doing what you like to do. There will be both men and women. I've been going to meetups and even started two of my own (a walking group and a gardening group). I've been meeting quite a few people, to include men. It's a great way to screen guys before dating even becomes a topic.

Then once you get more comfortable, you might want to try online dating sites... and start those slowly so you have time to learn about it. One thing about online dating that I found is that it's important to not keep it online for long. If you meet a guy who seems interesting, meet him in person. Do it in a place like a coffee shop for a short date. You drive, do not get in his car, etc. A lot of people are very different in real life than they seem to be online.


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## SadDaisy

I got one month subscription for a dating site, and it didn't go anywhere.
Hardly any well written profiles. "Hi babe" type of interactions.
Met with two. I didn't like one of them at all. I liked the other guy, but he tried to kiss me on the first date, and that was unacceptable. He called me again, but I didn't want to see him.
I have lots of friends, most are married couples. Also, some are common friends with the ex.
I feel funny about "being introduced".


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## joannacroc

Well, everyone has their own boundaries that they feel comfortable with, with physical intimacy. But it's by no means unusual for a guy to go for a kiss on a first date. If he had tried to get you to go back to his place and have crazy monkey sex, I could understand your hesitation, but it sounds like you had a good time, so I'm curious. Why was it unacceptable? Was he a terrible kisser or was it just that it felt to soon for you?


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## SadDaisy

Way too soon. I haven't had any physical intimacy since the ex husband.


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## joannacroc

Well that's understandable. Did you explain that on the date? That you really enjoyed his company but that you wanted to take things slowly? If not, maybe that would be a good thing to let future dates know early on? I know it's super awkward. But at the same time, at least if you like the next guy he will know you aren't ready for first kisses on date 1.


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## SunCMars

EleGirl said:


> If you are just starting to get your feet wet, I'd suggest that you start with just socializing more. Get out and meet people.
> 
> One good way to do that is to check on meetup.com for your area. See what is going on that interests you. Go meet people who are doing what you like to do. There will be both men and women. I've been going to meetups and even started two of my own (a walking group and a gardening group). I've been meeting quite a few people, to include men. It's a great way to screen guys before dating even becomes a topic.
> 
> Then once you get more comfortable, you might want to try online dating sites... and start those slowly so you have time to learn about it. One thing about online dating that I found is that it's important to not keep it online for long. If you meet a guy who seems interesting, meet him in person. Do it in a place like a coffee shop for a short date. You drive, do not get in his car, etc. *A lot of people are very different in real life than they seem to be online*.



I resemble that remark!

Good CAd Block advice.


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## SunCMars

SadDaisy said:


> Way too soon. I haven't had any physical intimacy since the ex husband.


This is an issue.

You do not want to be loose or give the impression of being loose. Not if you are looking for a LTR.

But if you are wound up tighter than a Banjo string you will drive many good, passionate men away.

Maybe this is what you want in a man..... stable, easygoing, predictable, a nice guy, non-confrontational, safe.......... lackluster.

All types are out there. As men get older and more mature they do not want to wait forever for a simple....good night kiss.

And remember, people who are not married or divorced, in their late 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's are single for a reason...many are bad reasons.

There are two sides to this well worn dating coin. Heads you win, tails....you run!.


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## Bananapeel

Daisy, I meet your qualifications of education/income so I'm going to share my perspective from the other side of the coin. I think you have unrealistic goals. Successful/educated men are used to having women show a great deal of interest in them and having such strict boundaries like not kissing on a first date is not something that will entice us for a second date. The type of guy that would be OK with that situation is probably going to be the guy that has no other options and is thus willing to wait. Is that really the type of guy you want? Aside from your desires, remember that the guy has desires too and you need to see if what you are offering is going to meet his needs. Most successful men don't care about a woman's income (as long as she can support herself and isn't a gold digger) so that isn't really an enticement. Education is great, but there are plenty of very smart women that don't have masters+ level of education, and quite honestly chemistry/attraction are far more important than how long a woman's gone to school for (again, as long as she meets the minimum level). If you are limiting the physical expression of chemistry/attraction then you are going to have a hard time finding the type of guy you want. 

I personally think that you aren't really ready to date yet, and it's OK to take your time. Maybe instead of dating focus on finding new friends that you can hang out with and see if something eventually develops with time. That's the most likely way that you can get to know someone first before kissing, and not have them lose interest quickly in you. If you are meeting guys on dating sites they will have expectations of what dating entails and it probably is at a different pace than you are comfortable with.


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## FeministInPink

joannacroc said:


> Well, everyone has their own boundaries that they feel comfortable with, with physical intimacy. But it's by no means unusual for a guy to go for a kiss on a first date. If he had tried to get you to go back to his place and have crazy monkey sex, I could understand your hesitation, but it sounds like you had a good time, so I'm curious. Why was it unacceptable? Was he a terrible kisser or was it just that it felt to soon for you?





SadDaisy said:


> Way too soon. I haven't had any physical intimacy since the ex husband.


If you feel that it's too soon, are you sure you're ready to date, let alone have a relationship? People don't date or get into relationships so they can be celibate--people get into relationships so they can have physical and emotional intimacy. If you're not ready for a kiss, you're likely not ready for a relationship. Maybe you need to take a little more time for yourself before you venture out into the dating waters.


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## SadDaisy

I am ready meaning I put my relationship with the ex behind me and have worked through pain I may have had left. I am not looking for a guy to heal me. I think a relationship should start with friendship, not with kissing on the first date.


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## SadDaisy

Have you heard of HPV causing throat cancer? I don't doubt that gets transmitted via kissing.


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## Hope Shimmers

SadDaisy said:


> Have you heard of HPV causing throat cancer? I don't doubt that gets transmitted via kissing.


According to research it really doesn't seem to be transmitted that way (even when kissing someone with an oral HPV-related cancer). 

Speaking as a woman in the same general situation as you except divorced for the last 9 years - and status/post several long-term relationships but back on the market again - I think you are going to have to relax your criteria a little. I am also in the same education/income level as you (physician).

I agree with EleGirl and Bananapeel that you may feel you want a serious relationship right out of the gate, but you probably aren't ready for one. The best thing to do is ease into it. Jumping from one long-term relationship (your marriage) to another is a nice recipe for disaster (ask me how I know this). 

As for the kissing/HPV thing... life is about risk versus benefits. Go for the kissing. Like banana said, most guys - especially those in your desired income/education that make up the top 0.00001% of all available men - want you to kiss them. At least. If you don't want to then that's fine, but then you might as well kiss them goodbye because there are lots of single women out there waiting in line.

Lastly - it sounds like you have gotten your feet wet with online dating (OLD). It's a nightmare. You really have to search for those rare gems hidden among all those dirty rocks. And, I have lost count of how many dates I went on with guys who thought it was okay to put up photos that were decades old and then show up with 20+ years and 80+ pounds more than the photos showed, for our date. Uggh.

Good luck!


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## Wolf1974

Also just want to chime in with the perspective from the other side. You may want to get in a serious relationship but you have to realize that you first need to get to that point. That it likely going to involve dating around and going slow. Online profiles that have a laundry list of "qualifiers" turnoff serious guys but will definetly attract the player types. My suggestion to my female friends is to date to enjoy but don't actively pursue anything. That will only lead to aggravation. 

Go slow and enjoy this time to yourself and the adventures of meeting new people. If it's suppose to happen it will.


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## Chuck71

As for no kiss on first date.... throw that out there before the meeting but in a casual way. Speaking for guys in general.... that is a turn-off as in setting up low expectations before the date begins. 

As for the masters / 100k .... that is a red flag for most guys... like there is a price tag to date you. 100k is nothing in CA or NY... but in many states it is very unattainable in 95% of professions. But I completely get the fact you would not wish to date a fry cook who works the graveyard shift at Bob's Booze n Breakfast. 

I have a masters+ but in my search criteria I listed some college. Many highly sought after professions only require a 2 yr or 4 yr degree. If there is no advantage (pay increase for masters and / or higher) to getting a higher degree, there is no incentive to do so.

I have a friend who is a teacher. He has won countless awards and is highly respected. BS degree.... makes $32k... eight years in teaching. Have another who is a "hands worker." Expert brick mason... dropped out of high school. Makes 150k. Very sharp with managing money, sharply dressed when away from work. They live in same city.

All I'm saying is... when you set high expectations... you rule out much potential. What I listed above are the main complaints I hear from guy 25 and up who are in the dating game.


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## MJJEAN

I agree with @Chuck71.

My father worked in asphalt and cement. After about 10 years, he was foreman of multipe crews and making $80k yearly. This was back in the 90's and early 00's. Dad was not only highly intelligent, but he was also very capable, confident, a natural leader, and had many other good qualities one may not expect in a blue collar worker. 

My DH is one of the most intelligent and well read men I have ever known. His passion is history. He's musical and plays several instruments pasably well. He makes above average income as a truck driver.

Truly, don't discount men who aren't formally educated or who don't have advanced degrees. It's surprising how many extremely intelligent and decent wage earning men work jobs like crane operator or heavy machine repair.


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## john117

I'll chime in as a member of the $100K+ and PhD class married to same. The marriage has been a disaster in the last decade. As a guy I'm not convinced matching income and education works for everyone due to different expectations..


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## Chuck71

MJJEAN said:


> I agree with @Chuck71.
> 
> My father worked in asphalt and cement. After about 10 years, he was foreman of multipe crews and making $80k yearly. This was back in the 90's and early 00's. Dad was not only highly intelligent, but he was also very capable, confident, a natural leader, and had many other good qualities one may not expect in a blue collar worker.
> 
> My DH is one of the most intelligent and well read men I have ever known. His passion is history. He's musical and plays several instruments pasably well. He makes above average income as a truck driver.
> 
> Truly, don't discount men who aren't formally educated or who don't have advanced degrees. It's surprising how many extremely intelligent and decent wage earning men work jobs like crane operator or heavy machine repair.


Pop was offered the chance to go to college from his pop. -I'll send you but instead of driving

showroom cars, it'll have do be every day cars.- Pop chose not to go... didn't want to give up

the showroom cars and how it attracted the young ladies. But that was.... 1959.

He should have been a lawyer, missed his calling. My grandmother dropped out of school in

the sixth grade... course it was the Great Depression. Still... smartest woman I ever knew.

I know people (M couples) who make a combined 250k but are on a first name basis with all the 

collection agencies. Living large bit every one of them in the last recession.

It isn't what you make... it's what you can do with that money.

But I get what the OP is saying... she doesn't want a guy who lives paycheck to paycheck.


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## MJJEAN

Actually, @Chuck71 , I think the OP's concern is having a male companion that is capable of good conversation. She said she would be willing to be a Sugar Momma, so I think the educational requirement is more about being a stimulating companion.


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## Chuck71

MJJEAN said:


> Actually, @Chuck71 , I think the OP's concern is having a male companion that is capable of good conversation. She said she would be willing to be a Sugar Momma, so I think the educational requirement is more about being a stimulating companion.


In the OP..... she stated she does NOT want to be a sugar momma


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## MJJEAN

Chuck71 said:


> In the OP..... she stated she does NOT want to be a sugar momma


So maybe I should wear my glasses? :nerd:


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## Chuck71

MJJEAN said:


> So maybe I should wear my glasses? :nerd:


I'm with you! My Is ain't what they used to be......


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## SadDaisy

Quite interesting. Thanks everyone.
I don't think that a year after marriage split up is too soon to start dating again.


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## SadDaisy

Oh, and I do NOT want to be a sugar momma.


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## FeministInPink

SadDaisy said:


> Quite interesting. Thanks everyone.
> I don't think that a year after marriage split up is too soon to start dating again.


Everyone's time frame is different, SadDaisy. Some of your comments indicate that you may need more time.


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## SadDaisy

Interesting turn of events.
My son and I went to our friends' lake house to a day party this weekend. My ex was there with his new girlfriend. Such a radiant, pretty, sweet lady. I liked her. I was not upset about him having found someone. I am feeling bad for her.


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## Chuck71

When my parents were M the 1st time (yes 1st, were re-treads), mom moved to him in GA.

Mom received a card from one of pop's XWs..... a sympathy card! LOL


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## FeministInPink

Chuck71 said:


> When my parents were M the 1st time (yes 1st, were re-treads), mom moved to him in GA.
> 
> Mom received a card from one of pop's XWs..... a sympathy card! LOL


Now that's an idea for my XH's fiance! LOL


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## SadDaisy

I didn't go into details about their relationship with any of common friends.
I really liked the girl. I hope that soon she sees him for what he is.


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## MJJEAN

SadDaisy said:


> I didn't go into details about their relationship with any of common friends.
> I really liked the girl. I hope that soon she sees him for what he is.


My friend, C, was married to a real piece of work. They had 3 kids who were still relatively young when they divorced, so they had to have some contact. Of course, C wanted to meet each of her exH's new fiancee's. She nicely warned them about him and then gave them her number. 

C, exW2 and ExW3 are all very good friends. C's husband is currently on the lookout for Future exW #4.


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## Chuck71

Might just be me but isn't it odd when 2-3 XWs of the same man..... are friends?


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## MJJEAN

Chuck71 said:


> Might just be me but isn't it odd when 2-3 XWs of the same man..... are friends?


Long story. He was a real piece of work, much like my own ex. He was the kind of guy who literally called his wife on break at work and asked what was for dinner, then disappeared out of state for a year moments after the call. She was left a SAHM with two young kids, no means of support, no car (he took it), and no idea where her husband was or even if he was alive. She had to go back to her parents to live. It was bad for her. Of course, he was a serial cheater and occasionally abusive mentally and physically.

C knew what his wives were in for and thought it would be decent of her to offer help if they ever needed it. He pulled the same sh!t on his other two wives and they ended up banding together and forming a sort of support group.

ExW#2 remarried last year and C was her Matron of Honor.

ETA: C's parents were also retreads. They married and had a baby girl, he got caught cheating, she threw him out immediately, and then he spent the next year begging her to take him back. They remarried and had C along with two more kids. They're still married and very happy together.


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## Chuck71

MJJEAN said:


> Long story. He was a real piece of work, much like my own ex. He was the kind of guy who literally called his wife on break at work and asked what was for dinner, then disappeared out of state for a year moments after the call. She was left a SAHM with two young kids, no means of support, no car (he took it), and no idea where her husband was or even if he was alive. She had to go back to her parents to live. It was bad for her. Of course, he was a serial cheater and occasionally abusive mentally and physically.
> 
> C knew what his wives were in for and thought it would be decent of her to offer help if they ever needed it. He pulled the same sh!t on his other two wives and they ended up banding together and forming a sort of support group.
> 
> ExW#2 remarried last year and C was her Matron of Honor.
> 
> ETA: C's parents were also retreads. They married and had a baby girl, he got caught cheating, she threw him out immediately, and then he spent the next year begging her to take him back. They remarried and had C along with two more kids. They're still married and very happy together.


There's a special place "under the Earth" for guys like him. You have to put in 600% effort to be that Fed up


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## Begin again

Bananapeel said:


> Daisy, I meet your qualifications of education/income so I'm going to share my perspective from the other side of the coin. I think you have unrealistic goals. Successful/educated men are used to having women show a great deal of interest in them and having such strict boundaries like not kissing on a first date is not something that will entice us for a second date. The type of guy that would be OK with that situation is probably going to be the guy that has no other options and is thus willing to wait. Is that really the type of guy you want? Aside from your desires, remember that the guy has desires too and you need to see if what you are offering is going to meet his needs. Most successful men don't care about a woman's income (as long as she can support herself and isn't a gold digger) so that isn't really an enticement. Education is great, but there are plenty of very smart women that don't have masters+ level of education, and quite honestly chemistry/attraction are far more important than how long a woman's gone to school for (again, as long as she meets the minimum level). If you are limiting the physical expression of chemistry/attraction then you are going to have a hard time finding the type of guy you want.
> 
> I personally think that you aren't really ready to date yet, and it's OK to take your time. Maybe instead of dating focus on finding new friends that you can hang out with and see if something eventually develops with time. That's the most likely way that you can get to know someone first before kissing, and not have them lose interest quickly in you. If you are meeting guys on dating sites they will have expectations of what dating entails and it probably is at a different pace than you are comfortable with.


Interesting... so, how many dates would be ok before you cut her loose if she won't have sex with you yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel

@Begin again

I don't have a fixed number in my head, but if there is no chemistry on the first date then I won't ask her out for a second date, and that is non-negotiable. Chemistry doesn't have to mean sex, just a mutual attraction that is fairly obvious. However, I have not personally dated a woman that shows a lot of interest/chemistry but doesn't want to have sex fairly quickly. I'm sure they are out there, I just haven't run into them. 

My recommendation is that even if a woman wants to wait until she really gets to know a guy before she sleeps with him, she needs to show very obvious indicators of interest to keep his attention or he'll move on to the next one. I'm sure it's the same with women. They like to know the guy is really interested before they waste too much time on him.


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## Begin again

Bananapeel said:


> @Begin again
> 
> I don't have a fixed number in my head, but if there is no chemistry on the first date then I won't ask her out for a second date, and that is non-negotiable. Chemistry doesn't have to mean sex, just a mutual attraction that is fairly obvious. However, I have not personally dated a woman that shows a lot of interest/chemistry but doesn't want to have sex fairly quickly. I'm sure they are out there, I just haven't run into them.
> 
> My recommendation is that even if a woman wants to wait until she really gets to know a guy before she sleeps with him, she needs to show very obvious indicators of interest to keep his attention or he'll move on to the next one. I'm sure it's the same with women. They like to know the guy is really interested before they waste too much time on him.


I just find it odd how much times have changed. When I was in my 20s, I had a rule for myself that I would wait at least three weeks before I slept with a guy. I felt like any sooner and I'd seem "easy" and lose the guy's respect. And even with that rule, the number of men I've slept with is significantly more than most of my female friends. 

If I tried to wait 3 weeks with a guy now, he'd probably just push me aside. Is it any wonder our relationships don't seem to stick like they used to. Between online dating and early sex, seems like instant gratification rules above all else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

Begin again said:


> I just find it odd how much times have changed. When I was in my 20s, I had a rule for myself that I would wait at least three weeks before I slept with a guy. I felt like any sooner and I'd seem "easy" and lose the guy's respect. And even with that rule, the number of men I've slept with is significantly more than most of my female friends.
> 
> If I tried to wait 3 weeks with a guy now, he'd probably just push me aside. Is it any wonder our relationships don't seem to stick like they used to. Between online dating and early sex, seems like instant gratification rules above all else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily. Not always. 

I dated one man and thought I'd wait three months to have sex with him and if he wanted to let me go before that, so be it. He actually was OK to wait until 4 months. We lasted 8 months then parted amicably. Simple incompatibility. 

My current husband, I waited about 2 months to have sex with him. He wanted to wait as well... Since he knew I'd lose respect for us both if things happened too quickly. 

Sex is great, it's important to me, very much so. It's an absolute requirement in my book for a healthy relationship, but before I even go there, I must be certain about the other person, their values, and how we get along. I could have more quickly bumped uglies and let that experience make the decisions for my hamster brain, but I hold my sense of integrity a bit higher than to allow for that.

When I'm sure, I don't hold back. Not all men are patient enough or care to wait. That's OK, It probably means they're not for me and maybe not for you either. . 

Forget what others think or guilt you to feel. Do what feels right for you, or you'll live with regrets.


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## Chuck71

Current gf and I dated for around a month before we had sex. Granted we only got together

maybe a few times every two weeks. About a month into... she was at my place, we drank moderately...

and she initiated. I had told her I have a rule, no first time sex after drinking. She was somewhat 

stunned I backed up my belief. Two days later, we were sober as a Mormon clergy... and had sex.


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## Bananapeel

Begin again said:


> I just find it odd how much times have changed. When I was in my 20s, I had a rule for myself that I would wait at least three weeks before I slept with a guy. I felt like any sooner and I'd seem "easy" and lose the guy's respect. And even with that rule, the number of men I've slept with is significantly more than most of my female friends.
> 
> If I tried to wait 3 weeks with a guy now, he'd probably just push me aside. Is it any wonder our relationships don't seem to stick like they used to. Between online dating and early sex, seems like instant gratification rules above all else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some would argue that is a good change. I don't view women as "easy" or "lose respect" over sex. I view women on a more equal level and don't have a double standard. If a woman wants to have sex with me on the first date without commitment or alternatively wait while she really gets to know me doesn't change how I view her. Either way, I'm still looking for the same set of criteria for compatibility. 

I think waiting 3 weeks for sex would work easily as long as there were very clear signals you were interested in him. I can't imagine anyone wanting to date for multiple weeks if there was no chemistry.


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## Chuck71

Bananapeel said:


> Some would argue that is a good change. I don't view women as "easy" or "lose respect" over sex. I view women on a more equal level and don't have a double standard. If a woman wants to have sex with me on the first date without commitment or alternatively wait while she really gets to know me doesn't change how I view her. Either way, I'm still looking for the same set of criteria for compatibility.
> 
> I think waiting 3 weeks for sex would work easily as long as there were very clear signals you were interested in him. I can't imagine anyone wanting to date for multiple weeks if there was no chemistry.


It's safe to say I view things differently than I did 20-25 years ago. Gf is twenty years younger,

we knew we had a spark. Knew where it was leading. Just took it one step at a time, didn't 

rush it. If two people really connect, you know it will happen. Yeah may miss out on having sex

two-three weeks earlier but... for the most part you make up for it during the next few months.


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## arbitrator

Chuck71 said:


> In the OP..... she stated she does NOT want to be a sugar momma


*Typical materialistic woman ~ it's rather apparent that she's made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be some guys "sugar mama."

But it's certainly alright for her to find herself a "sugar daddy!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diana7

SadDaisy said:


> I have been separated and now divorced. I moved out November of last year. Shared custody. Husband is an alcoholic. Ex husband. We live in the same town. I am staying here because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. I could have accepted a much better position in a larger city.
> I am ready to get back to dating. I really am not looking to play. I want a serious relationship. I am 38 years old, a busy professional, self sufficient. Not looking for a sugar daddy, but I am not willing to become a sugar mommy. I will be trying to meet a man with similar education level and comparable income. ( Masters+, 100K+).
> Any input?


 Why is it so important that you have to have a man who has a masters and is rich? My second husband has a PHd, I left school at 18 and bought my own home at 20 with my first husband, worked full time from 18, and had my first child at 21. We are very evenly matched despite the fact that he got a degree and PHD. its really not everything. 
I know people with no degree who are far more intelligent than those with one.


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## Diana7

Bananapeel said:


> Some would argue that is a good change. I don't view women as "easy" or "lose respect" over sex. I view women on a more equal level and don't have a double standard. If a woman wants to have sex with me on the first date without commitment or alternatively wait while she really gets to know me doesn't change how I view her. Either way, I'm still looking for the same set of criteria for compatibility.
> 
> I think waiting 3 weeks for sex would work easily as long as there were very clear signals you were interested in him. I can't imagine anyone wanting to date for multiple weeks if there was no chemistry.


I wouldnt be interested in a guy who pushed for sex before a commitment.


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## Diana7

Begin again said:


> I just find it odd how much times have changed. When I was in my 20s, I had a rule for myself that I would wait at least three weeks before I slept with a guy. I felt like any sooner and I'd seem "easy" and lose the guy's respect. And even with that rule, the number of men I've slept with is significantly more than most of my female friends.
> 
> If I tried to wait 3 weeks with a guy now, he'd probably just push me aside. Is it any wonder our relationships don't seem to stick like they used to. Between online dating and early sex, seems like instant gratification rules above all else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If a guy wont wait a few week for sex, what does that say about him? He isnt worth having.


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## Bananapeel

Diana7 said:


> If a guy wont wait a few week for sex, what does that say about him? He isnt worth having.


Or alternatively, he is a top tier guy in very high demand and doesn't have to wait.


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## FeministInPink

Bananapeel said:


> Or alternatively, he is a top tier guy in very high demand and doesn't have to wait.


But what if she's a top tier gal worth waiting for?


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## Diana7

Bananapeel said:


> Or alternatively, he is a top tier guy in very high demand and doesn't have to wait.


The he isnt worth waiting for.


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## Chuck71

FeministInPink said:


> But what if she's a top tier gal worth waiting for?


So income ratio should indicate "wait time?" 

Let's review how that usually works out......

Or is top tier based on appearance?


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## arbitrator

Bananapeel said:


> Or alternatively, he is * a top tier guy * in very high demand and doesn't have to wait.


*Please define "a top tier guy!*


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## FeministInPink

Chuck71 said:


> So income ratio should indicate "wait time?"
> 
> Let's review how that usually works out......
> 
> Or is top tier based on appearance?


When I say top tier, I mean a person who checks off all your boxes. Who is a great match in nearly every respect. Each person determines for themself who is a top tier person. What are the characteristics that you would prize most in a mate? A person who has all those qualities would be top tier.


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## WorkingWife

SadDaisy said:


> I am ready meaning I put my relationship with the ex behind me and have worked through pain I may have had left. I am not looking for a guy to heal me. I think a relationship should start with friendship, not with kissing on the first date.


What kind of kiss was this? Did he try to give you a quick peck on the lips, or did he push you up against the wall and try to shove his tongue down your throat? (Or somewhere in between?) And what did you do? Turn away from the kiss or let him kiss you but realize you didn't like it? Also, what was the date? A few hours together over dinner at a nice restaurant that he paid for, or a shorter "let's meet in person" meeting for coffee where you split the tab?

I understand where you're coming from, but keep in mind that if you are meeting someone on a dating site, the whole point of the date is to see if you both feel like something romantic could develop. That is why you are meeting. Giving a short good-nite kiss on a first date is not considered "fast" to most people these days, so unless he was pushy with the kiss, he probably had no idea he was making you uncomfortable. And if you didn't engage in the kiss and he asked you out again regardless, I think I'd consider that a good sign that he's not just looking for a quick hook up.

Ugghh - I haven't dated for years, so I don't know what the best option is, but I like the "meet up" group idea, or anything where you will be mingling with men and women under no romantic pressure. (My Mom met my step dad in a bowling league when she was in her late 50's) And if you really feel ready to date, you might say something specific in your profile or pre-date communication that you are indeed looking for a LTR but need to be "just friends" for awhile to get to know each other. (I don't know dating profile etiquette, that might be TMI, but it could hopefully weed out some "players.")


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## arbitrator

WorkingWife said:


> What kind of kiss was this? Did he try to give you a quick peck on the lips, or did he push you up against the wall and try to shove his tongue down your throat? (Or somewhere in between?) And what did you do? Turn away from the kiss or let him kiss you but realize you didn't like it? Also, what was the date? A few hours together over dinner at a nice restaurant that he paid for, or a shorter "let's meet in person" meeting for coffee where you split the tab?
> 
> I understand where you're coming from, but keep in mind that if you are meeting someone on a dating site, the whole point of the date is to see if you both feel like something romantic could develop. That is why you are meeting. Giving a short good-nite kiss on a first date is not considered "fast" to most people these days, so unless he was pushy with the kiss, he probably had no idea he was making you uncomfortable. And if you didn't engage in the kiss and he asked you out again regardless, I think I'd consider that a good sign that he's not just looking for a quick hook up.
> 
> Ugghh - I haven't dated for years, so I don't know what the best option is, but I like the "meet up" group idea, or anything where you will be mingling with men and women under no romantic pressure. (My Mom met my step dad in a bowling league when she was in her late 50's) And if you really feel ready to date, you might say something specific in your profile or pre-date communication that you are indeed looking for a LTR but need to be "just friends" for awhile to get to know each other. (I don't know dating profile etiquette, that might be TMI, but it could hopefully weed out some *"players."*)


*Let me add that there are some women out there who would definitely meet the exacting criteria for being called "players," as the "Players Club" is not just exclusive to men! It is genderless!

And sadly, far too many of them seem quite a bit more interested in knowing about ones net worth much rather than ones personality!*


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## Bananapeel

FIP has it right. A top tier guy (or gal) fits your ideals of what you are looking for. There are lots of shared characteristics that people universally tend to value such as being successful, attractive, smart, driven, compassionate, etc. Because these traits are universally valued when a guy (or gal) excels in these areas they have a choice of multiple people to date. Usually when women meet guys like this they'll sleep with them quickly because they want to move towards developing a relationship before the guy gets taken by someone else. It's not about whether the woman thinks she is worth waiting for, it's about whether the woman is willing to risk missing out on the opportunity. And of course this works both ways. A guy going after a top tier gal will be more likely to wait, if that is what she wants. 

I don't know other people's experience but relationships tend to move much faster post divorce then when I was dating in my teens and twenties. Generally a woman will be willing to have sex within one to three dates if she really likes you and there is chemistry.


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## jb02157

Bananapeel said:


> I think you have unrealistic goals.


I have to agree. There's not many men out there who have a Masters + and make six figures. I think you're going to have to lower your standards in this area or become very disappointed. I know that women sometimes aren't after a man's personality only the lifestyle he can provide. If you're so focused on that, you're in danger of having another bad relationship.


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