# We are trying, but i am not sure!!



## rysmomma (Aug 13, 2008)

Okay, where do i start?? well, my husband and i have been married for 2 years and 7 months, he was 21 and i was 23,and we have a beautiful baby boy who is 9 months old, today. well, i will just start from the beginning, it will be long, but i def. need advice. well, my husband and i dated for 7 months before we got married, we knew each other for a few years before that, but not very well. when we got married, i knew that i loved him, but wasn't sure that i was in love with him. well, i grew to love him more and more for the first six months of our marriage. we ended up getting pregnant, and i miscarried. that is when things got rough, i was all by myself, he didn't have any emotion toward our loss or toward me. he just sat in the other room playing video games and i was in the bathroom or bedroom crying. and, this went on for a few weeks. well, i tried to express that i needed him there for me, but he never got it. we started having other problems in our marriage. i realized that he never involved me in conversations when we were in public, it was like i wasn't there at all. he never sat by me, put his arm around me, actually he hardly even acknowledged that i was there. so, needless to say i started to become really deprived of that comfortable emotional and physical feeling you are supposed to have in a marriage. well, i started to realize that he was never there, even when we were at home. he never talked to me about stuff and he wanted to do his own thing, which usually consisted of him sitting on his computer playing an online game. he never helped out with household choirs and got upset when i asked him to help. i can say it got pretty bad, too. you see, he is a momma's boy to the core. he would come home from work, through his dirty clothes on the kitchen counter, grab a 2-liter and sit down. after he was done, he put it on the floor and it would stay there till i picked it up. it was/is so annoying. i tell him all the time that i need his help, he will help for a day or two, then go back to getting upset with me. well, things got worse after we had our little boy. i would ask him to change a diaper and he would get upset, and if it was a poopy one, there was not way he would do it. he never feeds the baby, never puts him to bed, never gives baths. and he tells me that it is awkward for him to give baths, so i should respect that. well, at first i really thought he ment it, but i realized it was his way of copping out of doing it. oh, and not to mention, he never really spends time with the baby. I never get time to myself, and when i take a shower (which is sometimes every other day), i rush because the baby is crying. when i do ask my husband to take care of the baby, he cries the whole time, and my husband says, oh he's crying for you, look at the momma's boy, or he makes excuses as to why he shouldn't have to watch him. well, in the past few months things have gotten even worse. i just don't feel like he or i are emotionally attached to each other at all. he is always getting upset with me and i am in return. we never have a good time together, and what little affection i got, is completely gone. i have been trying everything i know how, and i am so exhausted, and i have to admit that i have given up on a life together. i feel like i am ready to get out of this relationship, but i am scared and i dont want to hurt him. we have talked a few times, and he has decided to move out and learn how to take care of himself for a few months, then i can move back in with him. i don't know if i can even stand to move back in after all we have been through. i feel so emotionally hurt that i don't know what to do, i don't know if there is enough love there to make it through all of this. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well the first thing is you need to figure out if having the marriage is worth a try. Sometimes it takes a few tries with your partner to get things right. 

If you don't know then a trial seperation might be in order. Him living on his own might be a good thing if he has to take care of just himself that is very different then taking care of yourself plus a little one. But having him taking care of his own stuff is atleast one burden off you.

Second thing for the marriage to continue would be to set boundries and who is expected to do what. Maybe if he has to do all the laundry and dishes it will be some off you. Further it is my belief that no parent should spend less then two hours a day with their child. He needs to learn how to be a father. He can suck it up and change a dirty diaper. I do often.

You should have those two hours he spends with his son for time to yourself, to get caught up or to relax. The two of you also need about four hours a week you can still date together.

I don't know what your work schedules are but every member should help in the house. It isn't always a 50/50 split. 

Besides the list above I think you need to work on yours and his communication skills, which lack here. You need to make sure he is hearing what you are telling him. If he thinks it is hard now if you get a divorse it will be much harder on him.

I wish you the best and think you should give it one last try before calling it quits.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mamma’s boys have to grow up sooner or later. Some time apart may help but if you elect to move back in together you need to set the ground rules as to what is expected. Firstly he needs to be a father and spend time with your child. The fun (playing) and the nasty (diapers). He will also need to spend time with you alone and with the two of you as a family. This may mean he needs to give up some gaming time and you should make that clear. Set goals for how long you might be apart and communicate often. I was 28 when I married and had “batched” it for a long time so household chores were never an issue. Marrying young can make that harder as he has never lived on his own much. Best of luck.


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## rysmomma (Aug 13, 2008)

thanks everyone. well, here is to rundown of today. i know i mentioned that my husband and i are not under the same roof. well, a buddy of his was down and he decided to stay the nite with him (rediculous, i know). well, they ended up staying up till 9 this morning and i didn't even get a phone call from my husband till after 4 pm. which is also the time he woke up today!!!! well, it just so happened that right before he called, my babysitter said that she was not going to make it to watch the baby till a little after 5 (we start at 5) while i was at the gym. she is also my cousin, and my personal trainer is her boyfriend, so she stays at the gym with us. well, i asked him if he could meet me at the gym to watch the baby tonight, and he was hesitant at first, and said he needed a shower. so, i said it only takes 1 1/2 hours total (i tan also). so, i met him there, and he barely watched the baby. at first, he sat there with him in his lap with a wierd look on his face. then, about 20 minutes into our workout, my cousin showed up, well he thought he was off the hook, but she told him she had to leave in about 20 minutes. so, while she was there, he put the baby on the floor (he crawls straight to me everytime), then started hitting the punching bag and wasn't even paying attention to the baby. we all had to tell him to get the baby at least 10 times. well, then after we were done, i told him that he had to watch the baby while i was in the tanning bed, he said that he wanted to get to his friends house so that he could hang out, and i put my foot down and said that he could as soon as i was done. he asked my cousin too, and she said no because she was leaving right then. so, i went in the tanning bed, and i got out 4 minutes early (usually takes 20 minutes). well, my husband and son were nowhere and on top of it he took my bag (w/phone and keys in it). all he left was my shoes. so, i was freaking out, i ran see if his car was outside, NOPE, i looked in my car, NO CAR SEAT. luckly, my cousins b/f was still there, i called my husband and whooo, he was just at the gas station. well, he got back 5 minutes later, and i was crying, and he started laughing, then he said you okay, didn't even hug me, put the baby in the car seat and kissed me and started to leave. i talked to him a little about how he is so ready to leave and go hang out with friends, but didn't even want to be with us at all (not even to go to dinner or anything). we talked about a bunch of stuff, then he mentioned that it was my fault he hadn't gotten a shower and, i just told him that he shoulda got up before 4 today. then, he threw it on me that it was last minute that he HAD to watch the baby. i didn't know what to say, so i calmly ended the conversation. well, he leaned over to kiss me and said i love you. I HAD TO CLOSE MY EYES TO TELL HIM I LOVED HIM BACK. and sadly, i don't feel like i ment it. i know that he left to try to change, but he isn't trying, ahhhh this is so frustrating. i don't know what to do. he is hanging out with his friends every nite, and our marriage is hanging on a thread, what do i do????


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