# Am I being Insecure??



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, the guy I've been seeing for almost 6 months has this great relationship with his ex that kind of drives me bat sh*t at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm being insecure. I don't really say anything, I kind of suck it up and live with it. On the other hand, I'm not sure I want to deal with this any longer.

I'll give some examples, and let others see for themselves if I'm insecure or not, it might help me with making a decision to carry on, or move on. A couple of nights a week he has dinner with his ex and their kids. They put the kids to bed, and then chat for a couple of hours. Now, we usually speak to each other once a day when our kids are in bed, this was his choice, and if I'm tired and skip it, I sense he's a bit dissappointed. So, after dinner I will usually text him something like "how was your day", if I don't get a response, I know he's at her house or vice versa. Then I may get a text around 10:00pm. Maybe I'm overreacting, but why would he not even respond with a "I'm doing the dinner thing, can I call you later". I'm not clingy by any means, and I don't want to come accross as that. So I say nothing. 

Then one weekend, she has the kids, and gets a babysitter and they both go out for dinner and dancing with some of their friends. He only told me about it a week later, since he knew I wouldn't be too happy. He was right, I was livid that he had not told me. I had sent him a text saying so, and he tells me later he had shown it to his ex!!! WTF? His response was that he didn't understand what I was saying and needed her to read it and help it with it...yeah, ok. He proclaims to want to get a along with her, and be friends, I'm fine with that, but when he says things like "I still adore her, but I just don't have the feelings for her" it kind of sends me mixed messages ya know? Then one time I said "I feel as though there are three of us in this relationship", and he responds with "well, there is really". We spoke about boundaries, but I just don't think he gets it. Then when we spend time together every other weekend, they seem to text quite often, once when we were in bed. I drew the line on the bed time texting. He says it's usually about the kids. So I responded that a once a day call is not sufficient??

I'm not worried that he'll go back to her, she has a b/f, who btw doesn't let the ex text my b/f when they're together...no wonder.

Maybe I'm still not ready for a serious relationship yet. Blahhh


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Holy cow! This is why I'm staying single. I really don't want to have to deal with this kind of mess. I mind my own business, I take care of my kiddo, and I don't talk to my ex. But, this works for him and his ex. Good for them I suppose but I could not do it. 

Every time I think I'm ready to start dating again I read stuff like this and.....I'll wait a while longer....


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm not worried that he'll go back to her, she has a b/f, who btw doesn't let the ex text my b/f when they're together...no wonder.

Doesn't seem like he ever left, I'd run like hell away from this relationship. It's not you, it's him he can't let go if her and she is happy with that. They are still going out on dates how much longer are you going to waste your time?


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

mablenc said:


> I'm not worried that he'll go back to her, she has a b/f, who btw doesn't let the ex text my b/f when they're together...no wonder.
> 
> Doesn't seem like he ever left, I'd run like hell away from this relationship. It's not you, it's him he can't let go if her and she is happy with that. They are still going out on dates how much longer are you going to waste your time?


That's exactly how I feel, I feel like he's still in a relationship with her, and the kicker is that she knows how I feel about it, and yet continues to text. I have no idea how to bring this up, except to say that I need a break to think things through.

I'm glad it isn't me.


----------



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

WTH? Um, it's not you being insecure. It's about him having a dysfunctional relationship with his ex. They DATE? That right there should be enough for you to say thanks, but no thanks. I'd cut my losses and move on. He is still stuck on his ex. A man like that isn't ready for another relationship. The thing with the kids is admirable, but the dating is oh he!! no!


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's not insecurity. I am friendly and close with my ex. However, the boundaries are being crossed. Dancing and hours of conversation after the kids are tucked in???? 

He may not be "in love" with her but he is almost dating her again. 

I would move on and let him know why.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OP you know my situation which is very amicable but reading about yours it seems way OTT. It doesn't sound like a healthy post divorce situation.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Um, hell no, this is NOT acceptable. You are NOT being insecure. I would run from this situation. Read my threads if you need to see why.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Run away..........

Going on dates with the ex is NOT cool.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Maybe you need to let him know in no-uncertain terms that your relationship is exclusive and if he feels like he wants to continue dating, including his ex, that maybe you should take a break.

Some clarification about your expectations may change the whole thing into what you want it to be.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He has no boundaries.I wouldn't date him.That's just asking for a world of drama,hurt feelings,and potential cheating on his part w/the ex.It's clear he has not closed his heart on that chapter of his life.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

working_together said:


> They put the kids to bed, *and then chat for a couple of hours*.
> 
> if I don't get a response, I know he's at her house or vice versa.
> 
> Then one weekend, she has the kids, and gets a babysitter and they *both go out for dinner and dancing with some of their friends.* *He only told me about it a week later, since he knew I wouldn't be too happy.* He was right, I was livid that he had not told me.* I had sent him a text saying so, and he tells me later he had shown it to his ex!!*! WTF? His response was that he didn't understand what I was saying and *needed her to read it and help it with it*...yeah, ok. He proclaims to want to get a along with her, and be friends, I'm fine with that, but when he says things like *"I still adore her*, but I just don't have the feelings for her" it kind of sends me mixed messages ya know? *Then one time I said "I feel as though there are three of us in this relationship", and he responds with "well, there is really".* We spoke about boundaries, but* I just don't think he gets it*. Then when we spend time together every other weekend, *they seem to text quite often, once when we were in bed*.


Working, please dump this guy.

You are correct--there are 3 people in your relationship. It comes across as he's dating her and you are the sidepiece. Please, move on from this guy. He is not ready for a relationship with anyone but his ex. 

He has told you straight up there are 3 people on your relationship. Believe him.

You need to respect yourself and show this guy the door. Pronto.

I dated someone like this, Mr. I'm Best Friends With My Ex-Guy. No, thanks. Not worth my time.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

working_together said:


> That's exactly how I feel, I feel like he's still in a relationship with her, and the kicker is that she knows how I feel about it, and yet continues to text. I have no idea how to bring this up, except to say that I need a break to think things through.
> 
> I'm glad it isn't me.


Working, don't you get it? She gets off on knowing that she still has him on a string. She knows full well what she is doing.

I wouldn't even talk to him about boundaries and make myself scarce. When he asks just tell him "This isn't working for me." 

Don't sleep with the guy. I wouldn't e surprised if he is still sleeping with her. I mean they are practically dating in front of you.

Like you, I also wondered if I was being paranoid/insecure but nope. I later found out their close relationship has caused a lot of problems in her marriage. Do not want any part of that. These people have zero respect for boundaries and will never have healthy relationships as long as they keep their clusterf-ck of threesome/multi-partner relationships up. Gross.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I know everyone here is right, and I'm glad I posted this, I was a bit embarrassed to post it thinking I was some jealous g/f or something.

I'm thinking he's getting all emotional needs met from her still, and this is what really bothers me. The more emotionally connected you remain with an ex, it makes the present relationship difficult for intimacy to exist. I doubt he's sleeping with her, he gets those needs met with me...blah. But, yeah, it's way over the top. I think he has trouble letting go of ex's, he's still friends with an ex from many years ago.

She's quite aware of what she's doing. He changes her tires, he's her handyman, of course it's "all for the kids".

I have no idea of how to bring this up without appearing jealous, and him becoming defensive like he has in the past.

Help!!


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm seriously thinking that I am emotionally unavailable. In the last year, I've dated two people who obviously were not available for the kind of relationship that I would want or deserve. Why do I keep picking people like this?? It's not like I chose to settle with this type, I went on many dates, one time dates where they weren't my type. I think all the crazy stuff that happened in my marriage has left me not ready to really invest in a relationship, and so I unconciously chose people that aren't ready for one either.

Who the hell knows, life is too complicated.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dating is for figuring out who you mesh with. It's not for marrying every single person you date. So you dated two guys and it hasn't worked, oh well. Onto the next one. 7 billion people on the planet, Working. It's clear you and this guy have fundamental differences re: boundaries. So I say cut it loose sooner than later. 

As long as you date him, she will always be a part of the picture. The fact that he shared your private texts with her to me says that he cares more about her opinion than yours. That was a breach of your relationship's confidentiality and privacy. I wouldn't want to deal with him at all after the things he's done. 

So just tell him you're not into this. 

Think about it... even if you do stay with this guy, do you want to be dealing with her? She obviously has crap boundaries too since she, like he, doesn't "get it." 

Save yourself from the agony and dump him.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

What jelly said!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't even bring it up, what will that accomplish? He's not ready to move on emotionally, and you are his free sex while he pretends they're still one big happy family. Just calmly tell him that it's clear he isn't ready for another relationship, wish him well and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This thread triggers me...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry.  Triggers aren't fun but I guess you can focus on how ridiculous the exes sound to everyone else and how their lack of boundaries are gross.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Sorry 3X, I read your story, and yes, there were similarities with our situations, and yours was horrible, especially since he wanted to marry you, and you moved in. Yours was by far the worse I have ever heard. Maybe there is a lesson in there somehow, I try to look at all experiences as lessons, it's friggin' hard though when you're in the thick of it.

As for my guy, well, I am being aloof for the next little while. I told him I'm going out Friday night with friends, and Sat. to a movie. I just need a break, but without actually telling him so, we'll see how that plays out, and frankly I don't care. Maybe he'll get a babysitter and go out with his ex again...lol I'm not investing in something that may or may not lead to something serious. I've already done the casual thing, and I don't want to go down that road again.

I'm not looking to ever get married, but a healthy relationship would be nice. I also need to be fine being alone, hense the reason I joined a parents meet up group, sure there are some quacks, but it's fun to be with others who are in the same boat, and have the kids do an activity together.

All in all, I am still in a better place than I was when I was married to my ex, holly crap I was miserable at the end. At least were are getting along finally. We're both great with boundaries so there will be NO DATES....lol


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like he got bored with her sexually and may be using you for novelty vs. the whole shebang that should be a relationship. In any case, he's out of touch with your needs and valid feelings and seems to be taking care of his very well. He's not making your relationship a priority and the thing with his ex is unusual...and doing something he knew you would be unhappy about and then blaming your theorized reaction for a reason not to discuss it with you...well, all red flags.

You're not insecure, it's just that it seems you're being messed with. I'd bail, unless you are really into his ex ;-)


----------

