# Unfulfilled desires



## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I need some advice. I want my H all the time, more than he is physically desiring intimacy. He probably is a 2/week kind of guy.

My problem is, when I am turned on by him, and he does not want to do anything on that day, I have this unmet emotional longing that leaves me quite frustrated. I need some tools to deal with this, other than some stupid crying. It's an emotional need at that point. I can take care of the physical, not the emotional.

In over 20 yrs of marriage, I have never gone through anything like this. I'm not sure why this is happening now.

It is my problem. I need to deal with my feelings. Advice appreciated!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Sara, 

For a long time, I felt bad that my family is so far away from me, I don't get to see them often, I was sick, homesick, but reality told me that I couldn't go on like this, my son is in Taiwan, my job is in Taiwan, my life is in Taiwan. 

For a long time, I felt bad that my husband and I have a very small world, there are only two of us in this world. I call us Adam and Eve in a modern world. I don't have this feeling anymore, I go on forums, my world is really a world now. I do my best to help people, even though my help is very little and sometimes I can only say kind words to comfort them, very often I have to sound harsh to offend people(not I want to offend them, but sometimes people need to hear things they don't like to hear, only this way they'll start thinking)

You might have to find other things to focus on. As a loving wife, just be loving and supporting. Your husband is there, he is just tired sometimes. 
your husband will feel bad that he is not able to fulfill you emotionally. I think he already feels bad that he isn't able to fulfill you physically, I do think he is a loving husband. He is working hard to provide for you!


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> I need some advice. I want my H all the time, more than he is physically desiring intimacy. He probably is a 2/week kind of guy.
> 
> My problem is, when I am turned on by him, and he does not want to do anything on that day, I have this unmet emotional longing that leaves me quite frustrated. I need some tools to deal with this, other than some stupid crying. It's an emotional need at that point. I can take care of the physical, not the emotional.
> 
> ...


DIY!
when u want it and no one else is around to satisfy u, DIY!!!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Sara Ann said:


> I need some advice. I want my H all the time, more than he is physically desiring intimacy. He probably is a 2/week kind of guy.
> 
> My problem is, when I am turned on by him, and he does not want to do anything on that day, I have this unmet emotional longing that leaves me quite frustrated. I need some tools to deal with this, other than some stupid crying. It's an emotional need at that point. I can take care of the physical, not the emotional.
> 
> In over 20 yrs of marriage, I have never gone through anything like this. I'm not sure why this is happening now.


I'm dealing with the same. I'm not a psychologist but plenty of people discovered that the female sexuality is tied to her mental well-being. Back in the day, lack of sex in females was linked to hysteria and depression, hence why some women get extremely cranky when going without sex. Guys get a physical itch, we get a mental one. If i go without sex for 3-4 weeks it will usually end up with a ton of annoyance and a fight to blow that steam off. Then i'd feel better, but this kind of thing was pretty destructive so i had to change it.

What I've noticed in my case is that sometimes i'm not even physically horny but i'll have a mental urge to have sex and "connect" so to speak. That might happen because us women might secretly find it normal for the man to want more sex. If he wants less sex, we might feel less desirable. Hope this makes sense to you. I've given this theory some thought and it seems to be what's causing my frustration. It might be the same for you but that's up to you to figure out. Monitor your thoughts a bit when you're feeling that frustration, check out what you're thinking, if you feel unwanted, unloved, not as attractive as you should feel etc. If that's the case, remember that no one man can confirm you! You're attractive when you see yourself that way. Your guy may just be too tired, too bored of life, too something to want sex more. Understanding that and boosting your own confidence, making yourself feel more attractive, taking care of yourself will help a lot. It might also help in getting your husband more interested at the same time because he'll feel the attitude shift. 

Sorry if this sounds weird, hope it helps figure things out.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

In the same boat, except now I seem to be passing out of that horny stage of the late 30's women seem to hit. I used to think he said no bc I was less attractive or he wasnt into our relationship anymore (and then we had 2 other women expririences which didnt help my beliefs). Now I know that its some insecuirty with a woman making the moves on him... he doesnt like it even though he doesnt admit it (I mean what guy would be ok with not wanting his beautiful wife hitting on him?) It must cause inner turmoil that he supresses bc he denies it. He tells me to initiate but turns me down... so I dont initiate anymore and dont want it anymore. I know now that I am beautiful and a good person despite what he does. So, what helps is to realize that his saying no is not about you, its something within him. You only have to deal with the frustration. Helping yourself (masturbating) can only help so much. 

I agree with the other poster except that making yourself more attractive and calm etc doesnt necessarily increase the receptivity of your husband. As my husband tells me "Its not that I havent ever been attracted to you, I think you are beautiful" what he cant seem to figure out is why his libido is so much lower than the average guy. He doesnt seem to think it is, even though I tell him men think about it all the time or at least once a day (thnk about it). Telling him doesnt help anything. It is HIS problem and it becomes the marriage's problem if you dont accept that is who he is and he can be the only one to change.

I hope you dont get to the point Im at... I now have no desire to initiate or be initiated on. I have become one of the women that just doesnt think about sex... its too painful and my mind has shut it down (bc of the most recent 2 no's I got after we had a defining conversation about what we were going to do to move forward with both of us happy, when he said he wouldnt say no anymore). I am staying married to him for the kids at this point and that is all. I will be trying to find a job so that I can have an apartment near my kids school and we can go back to the long distance relationship he was happiest with. (His condition of us staying together was that I move and commute my kids so he wouldnt have to commute longer than 30 minutes... so I commute 2 hours in the morning and am homeless 20 miles away from home for 2-7 hours in the afternoon, after school, with kids activities and waiting in the car.) I also decided that I wont do any cleaning in the house anymore bc Im not here enough... he wanted to live this far away from my life and Im not here... its a reality he needs to deal with and stop putting it on me. Talking with him about it does nothing. That is why you need to do what you need to do, not what you think you need to do to get sex from him... that has 0 results. 

That is how I am dealing with it, Im hoping maybe the cleaning piece will be enough, but it may not be and Ill have to go through with getting my own place up there. I decided what was the most important for my well being and Im trying to get there. Unfortunately for us, it doesnt include us being in the same house during the week, and it will be a waste of money. 

So, figure out how to shape your life to include what you need for it to be happy without the sex that you are missing and take steps to shape it. I hope you can do it from your marital home... all the better for everyone.

Anyway, gotta run to my kids school now and spend yet another day away from "home." Good luck, and you wont be selfish figuring out what you need to be happy... that stopped me for a long time.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

one of the keys here, at least what im reading, is you have changed. perhaps the roller coaster isnt a ride your husband wants to be on. in my case, i think my wife would now like our sexual frequency to be higher, finally. however, i am now conditioned from many years of her not being interested. the reasons for her lack of interest in past years have become irrelevent at this point. i accepted it and learned to deal with it. now comes yet another change and i just dont want sex as much. when sex wasnt happening i became bitter and unfortunately began to focus on the things about her i resent. i now need her to exhibit a very real hunger for sex, not just making herself available for me to make a move on her. she needs to come take it if she really wants it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

My wife and I had a long talk last night and all of fears were proven true. While in my mind with how much I desire her, her kisses, her touch, how much I want to please her, and be with her! I can't understand why a person wouldn't want to have SEX? It's free, it's fun, it burns calories, you can do it at home!

My wife and I clearly have different drives. I'm more into her now than ever. If I'm home and she is home she knows at the end of the night that I would want to have sex and that causes her to feel pressured. 

Pressured does not equal I want to have sex. Pressure sounds like a word you use when you are being forced to do something. We didn't really come to any common ground except while I'm a emotional Gian Sequoia stable, grounded, consistent, she is not. 

She said she enjoys sex with me and likes to be together, but sometimes she feels stressed from work, will the kids knock on the door, can they hear us, am I performing the way he wants me too, etc etc. 

So, I never know what I'm going to get. Some evenings even off days. I'll cater to her hoping for a 7 innings of fun and get nothing other nights she has worked 9hrs and studied and blows my doors off. She recognizes this, but doesn't know how to fix it.

I'm stuck in the this rut of having sex 2-3 times a week routine sometimes it feels like sympathy booty and that's not exciting to anyone.

Hopefully last nights talked helped?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> I can't understand why a person wouldn't want to have SEX? It's free, it's fun, it burns calories, you can do it at home!


Congrats!! You successfully made sex sound like an infomercial LOL!!!!


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

To me, what I think worked was to educate her. I started to show her information and even I woould copy and paste thoughts of people from her and email them to her - always keeping in mind the objective of trying to make her see things the way I do. If you really love someone, your main focus in life should be how to make this person happy and felt loved. If you don't have this in mind and heart, you need to find it. Great sex will come afterwards - once you both agree in the kind of relationship you want to have...For my wife, I had to show her how our parents influece the way we feel about sex and make her understand that she needed to be her own person and decided how much she was going to allow herself to enjoy sex. After, I had to educated about man sexuality - this was crusial as before this, she thought I always had a hiden agenda when I just can't help it to feel the need to experience new things in the bedroom. She understood that for us to have the kind of relationship where you laugh, hug, kiss and give so much love (yesterday, I broght her flowers for no reason), she needs to learn to enjoy our sex live. Not being able to advance and evolved in this area, is to kill your relationship in the medium term - she / he needs to understand this...one day, when retiring you don't want to look at your partner and not seeing any excitement at all. Of course, it helps if you keep yourself in shape and healty. Anyways, it is a journey but don't give up - you deserve to have what God gave you - if you feel it and desire it, you have to go after but need to have a plan and it has to come from your heart! good luck


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

greenpearl, you may know me well. He is afraid to not fulfill me, because he is worried I may go back to my old ways. So in the area of sex he has been more giving than is fair to him. So last night I was feeling a bit down, so I had a glass of wine, felt sorry for myself, listened to some music, and finally around midnight went to bed. He was awake again (insomnia). So we went at it, and did anal for the first time. (A few weeks ago he managed to get all the way in, but last night he was thrusting.) And, he said it was not great like he thought it would be; he much prefers my V. Not sure how that is possible. I thought anal would feel better because it's tighter. 

Back to the point. So I did a DIY 4x yesterday, which takes care of the physical pressure and tension a little bit. It does not give the full satisfaction of being with a partner and all the interactions of grabbing, pinching, kissing, talking dirty. 

I just need some advice on the feeling part of it. When I feel a certain emptiness over this unmet longing, what is the best thing to do, besides have a glass of wine?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> greenpearl, you may know me well. He is afraid to not fulfill me, because he is worried I may go back to my old ways. So in the area of sex he has been more giving than is fair to him. So last night I was feeling a bit down, so I had a glass of wine, felt sorry for myself, listened to some music, and finally around midnight went to bed. He was awake again (insomnia). So we went at it, and did anal for the first time. (A few weeks ago he managed to get all the way in, but last night he was thrusting.) And, he said it was not great like he thought it would be; he much prefers my V. Not sure how that is possible. I thought anal would feel better because it's tighter.
> 
> Back to the point. So I did a DIY 4x yesterday, which takes care of the physical pressure and tension a little bit. It does not give the full satisfaction of being with a partner and all the interactions of grabbing, pinching, kissing, talking dirty.
> 
> I just need some advice on the feeling part of it. When I feel a certain emptiness over this unmet longing, what is the best thing to do, besides have a glass of wine?


Sara, I really feel your husband loves you and cares about you. 

We tried anal, my husband didn't like it either, it was too tight. He couldn't move as freely as he wanted to. And he didn't want to hurt me. My husband gets turned on by my moaning. He could tell that I didn't enjoy it that night. 

I remember you said you just stopped using narcotics, I don't know what it is, if it is a kind of drug, and you have just stopped using it, maybe it is messing with your head and body now. I am just guessing, I am not a doctor. 

How about seeing a doctor and asking him what is going on? 

Maybe right now you lobido is very high, too bad that your husband is away from you for so long. I think he feels bad about it. 

From one post, I got the impression that you are going to have threesome with a couple. Is your husband really OK with it? Sara, I know it is your life, but as a friend, I want to tell you honestly that won't help your life. You will feel even emptier afterwards. 

I think you might need spiritual life. We are human, I don't believe in GOD, but the funny thing lies here, we need to seek spiritual help. I was not content until I started getting serious about studying life. 

Just my personal opinion.


I want you to be happy!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sara Ann said:


> I need some advice. I want my H all the time, more than he is physically desiring intimacy. He probably is a 2/week kind of guy.
> 
> My problem is, when I am turned on by him, and he does not want to do anything on that day, I have this unmet emotional longing that leaves me quite frustrated. I need some tools to deal with this, other than some stupid crying. It's an emotional need at that point. I can take care of the physical, not the emotional.
> 
> ...


 How old are you? I went through this phase about 2 years ago, it lasted for 8 whole months, I seriously could have had sex 3 times a day. My husband could not keep up with that. I also had little desire to go it alone, I bought a Dildo & Vibrator but only used it like 2 times. 

What is this emotional longing you have - what are you envisioing you want from him? More holding you at night , in the morning, more flirting, more desire from him, does it hurt you that he is a 2/times a week guy and can not step it up a little beings you are feeling this way, that suddenly you need him more ?

My husband & me were once a weekers for most of our marraige (that is another story) but when this happened to ME, let me tell you, I did everything known to man to entice him, lure him, excite him -from lingerie to mastering Bj's to buying sex games, and now, for the last 2 years , we average 4-6 times a week, consistently. 

If your husband allows himself to be aroused by you when you are needing him, this is the greatest blessing he can give you. 

You say it is "Your problem" like you just want to rid yourself of it. I am sure this is some kind of hormonal phase you are going through. As women age, their estogrens lower & in response our testosterone can rise (the sudden high sex drive), and if our hubby's can't keep up, I think this is a blow to our desirabily- which could cause any women to get "emotional".


Is this possible? (this is how I felt) I know I wanted ALOT of attention during this time, more flirting, more touch, more holding. I let my husband know what I wanted & thankfully he was happy about me wanting more in this area. So I weathered this phase pretty nicely, I owe that to him. 

I hope you can express these new "needs" to your husband and he understands & desires to fullfill them -as much as he can, with the time he has available to be with you. This can make all the difference in the world. 

Maybe it will help to meditate on some positive things in your life, revive some old hobbies. I found this forum when I was going through all of this, it helped me alot.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

marcopoly; does she still see hiden agenda?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Sara Ann said:


> I need some advice. I want my H all the time, more than he is physically desiring intimacy. He probably is a 2/week kind of guy.
> 
> My problem is, when I am turned on by him, and he does not want to do anything on that day, I have this unmet emotional longing that leaves me quite frustrated. I need some tools to deal with this, other than some stupid crying. It's an emotional need at that point. I can take care of the physical, not the emotional.
> 
> ...


OMG I am feeling the same way, married 23 years and I am 50 years YOUNG and my sex drive has totally increased since I was younger. I am fustrated as well because my husband claims to be tired always but when we have sex it is totally fulfilling but it's not happening as often as I would like. We went on a short beach vacation and didn't have sex and I was sooo upset and felt totally undesired. I know the emotional need you are feeling because I am going through that right now as well. I am ready to have a discussion with my husband and tell him it is not good if we let it go for weeks especially since I know in the early morning he is satisfying himself but is always tired at night. and he has NO physical problems at all. All in great working order And when we are intimate it's great. When I was younger I wasn't feeling this way. It seems so much more important to me now. and I am very very sensitive to when the time starts building when we don't have sex. I know my husband is into me when we have sex so I don't get it. I am right now as we speak going to have a talk once again about how I feel. Could have something to do with the fact that both my kids are now in college. Freshman and sophmore. and now I have more time to concentrate on our relationship?


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