# new here - fear wife is cheating



## Lost-Husband

We've been married for 15 years, most of it good. It started getting boring about 7 years ago. About 2 years ago she started drink heavily (wine) at home. Never really went out, just at home. She wasn't abusive or any thing, she would just pass out.

Long story short, she recently (about a week or 2 ago) got out of rehab, but stayed down in Florida for about a week. She is very strong in her program, going to meetings everyday, both up here and down there.

When she got home, I planned a getaway for the weekend which we did and we had the best time, we even made love which was so nice. Haven't felt that close in a long time.

This is where my fear comes in, I know part of the program is going to meetings, calling people, giving back and all that, but I think she may have met someone in rehab. She talks about a lot of people, both men and women. I try to give her her space, but while we were away she was talking with this guy jack, it all seemed like recovery talk, but at the end of the conversation, it seemed like he was saying a lot, and she was saying OK, OK, me to, OK....

I know I should have have, but I did look at here email, and she sent him pics of herself looking very nice in some dresses we bought over the weekend. He responded, nice hair, nice dress, do I get the whole package next month (she is planning on going down to visit her cousin) some of the emails end with love you much and stuff. It is his emails that get deleted.

I told her about my general fear of her meeting someone, because they connect at a level that a non alcoholic ever could. She told me to stop it and that I'm being ridiculous

Am I crazy?


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## tacoma

Not at all.
Your wife is having an inappropriate relationship with another man.
From what you say it sounds as if it's already gone beyond the initial stages.

You have to draw a boundary and tell her her relationship with this man is outside your Comfort zone and to end it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl

tacoma said:


> Not at all.
> Your wife is having an inappropriate relationship with another man.
> From what you say it sounds as if it's already gone beyond the initial stages.
> 
> You have to draw a boundary and tell her her relationship with this man is outside your Comfort zone and to end it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree....you have to talk and establish boundries.....


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## Lost-Husband

Do you really think so? I,m still not 100% sure, maybe like 60%. If I didn't hear her conversation and check her emails i never would have know

She is working her program hard going to meetings everyday, so I do try to give her a lot of time. In meetings they all tell each other they love each other.

I really don't want to confornt her now with out more than half a conversation and a few emails that end with I love you.

She's still making long range plans for us, show me affection when she is not busy.

I love her so much and I'm afraid ot losing her.

Thanks for letting me rant


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## lovingsummer

I'm not sure the "love you much" is the thing to worry about the most. I tell all my friends I love you or something similar at the end of my emails. (including my 1 male friend) His emails and/or texts do not get deleted, my H has access to everything. But he also does not have more than 2 pictures of me (1 with me because he was an usher at my wedding and 1 because he wanted to show it to a mutual friend who was the other usher at my wedding and hasn't seen me in 14 years). 

The "do I get the whole package next month" is a huge red flag. I have set a very strict boundary with my friend and if he was to cross it, he knows he'd be out of my life and straight on his a$$. If your wife has a problem setting the boundaries, then you will have to help her set them.


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## xena74

lovingsummer said:


> The "do I get the whole package next month" is a huge red flag.


:iagree:

As for the telling people you love them in meetings, it's not really like that. I too tell my friends I love them, but not male friends!! DH would have my head on a stick 

No way i'm deleting texts or emails. If a man texts/emails me (work related I have no male friends due to respect for DH) I do not delete them or the ones I send to them. Why would I unless I have something to hide? Makes no sense.

Living with a addict is a hard road. One I have been down a long time. They learn to hide the addiction and that could** translate into hiding other things too. 

Set boundries and do not let her cross them. If she wants to come to Florida and visit the cousin, then great, she can go when you have time to go with her. She is to new to sobrity to go alone. Her sponcer would agree i'm sure. Traveling without support this fresh out of rehab is a bad idea. Has she told her sponcer what she is doing?

Good luck to you, were here if you need to talk!


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## jh52

Can you go with her next month when she visits her cousin ??


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## Shaggy

Do not let her go visit the cousin alone!

You need to end immediately this online exchange with this guy because it WILL move quickly into very bad territory if it hasn't already. The mails you've seen already are not acceptable - she should not be sending him pics or any i love you's.

that's already way out of bounds and a huge red flag.

Look, a lot of people in rehabs are not good at impulse control , and many are real players. This guy is clearly seeking a full on physical relationship with her, and he will want to hook up when she is down there.

Do not let her go alone.

mean while find out if the guy has a wife/gf.

Since she stayed an extra week, they may have already hooked up.


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## Lost-Husband

Thank you all for helping me though this.

JH52/Shaggy – I really can’t go with her because of work. She also way before this talked about needing time alone away from the stresses. Now she is just following up on it.

I look at it this now, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s you’re forever. I need to trust her.

Update – yesterday was a very stressful day and I was obsession on it all day to the point I had a knot in my stomach and couldn’t focus on anything.

I went out to mow the lawn, which did calm me a bit, but not to much. When I finished I came in the house and my wife was cooking dinner and listening to music (she’s really into music since her recovery). I sat there for awhile talking with her about small stuff. She said, come dance with and we slow danced. When she put her arms around me all my fears went away, it felt so right and perfect. She even said to hold her tighter and closer. For the one song, all the world was right.

That night, we went to bed around 11:00 and made love again (in the past it was only once or twice a month and very perfunctory, it was having sex, not making love). During it I told her told her I lover her and she said “You’ve never said that before (well in a long time), but I felt it and felt so close to her. We went to sleep but woke up for some reason around 2:00 am, we had a long talk and I told her my fears. It was probably the deepest conversation we had in years and it felt so good to have it and get it off my chest. 

I told her I didn’t understand why she was going back the Florida so soon and if there was any one that she was going to see that she had/has romantic feelings towards. She said no, that she just made a lot of close relationships down there and she she wants to feel the support she had from her fellow rehab/AA meetings. And she also said no, I have no romantic feels towards anyone down there. Than, I said, OK, I believe you and trust you. You are the most honest person I know (that is true she never lies and always speaks her feelings. This went on for a little while with me asking the same question in different ways to cover all angles. And her answer was always the same and I truly believe her . It was at that point I felt all the stress release from my body

I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her. She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from. The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.

I’m fine with all this and I know that this is what she needs to stay sober… In the end I would rather have her stay sober and leave me than drink and stay with me.

I know this post was long, thanks for listening, but right now I’m at peace with our relationship and letting my fear go. Who knows, she could be lying, but that is out of my control. I will keep an eye open, but I’m going to live in the moment, enjoy the happiness I feel and take it day by day. It almost feels like I’m falling in love with her again (you know the new loving feeling and you can’t stop thinking about them)


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## jh52

Lost-Husband said:


> Thank you all for helping me though this.
> 
> JH52/Shaggy – I really can’t go with her because of work. She also way before this talked about needing time alone away from the stresses. Now she is just following up on it.
> 
> I look at it this now, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s you’re forever. I need to trust her.
> 
> Update – yesterday was a very stressful day and I was obsession on it all day to the point I had a knot in my stomach and couldn’t focus on anything.
> 
> I went out to mow the lawn, which did calm me a bit, but not to much. When I finished I came in the house and my wife was cooking dinner and listening to music (she’s really into music since her recovery). I sat there for awhile talking with her about small stuff. She said, come dance with and we slow danced. When she put her arms around me all my fears went away, it felt so right and perfect. She even said to hold her tighter and closer. For the one song, all the world was right.
> 
> That night, we went to bed around 11:00 and made love again (in the past it was only once or twice a month and very perfunctory, it was having sex, not making love). During it I told her told her I lover her and she said “You’ve never said that before (well in a long time), but I felt it and felt so close to her. We went to sleep but woke up for some reason around 2:00 am, we had a long talk and I told her my fears. It was probably the deepest conversation we had in years and it felt so good to have it and get it off my chest.
> 
> I told her I didn’t understand why she was going back the Florida so soon and if there was any one that she was going to see that she had/has romantic feelings towards. She said no, that she just made a lot of close relationships down there and she she wants to feel the support she had from her fellow rehab/AA meetings. And she also said no, I have no romantic feels towards anyone down there. Than, I said, OK, I believe you and trust you. You are the most honest person I know (that is true she never lies and always speaks her feelings. This went on for a little while with me asking the same question in different ways to cover all angles. And her answer was always the same and I truly believe her . It was at that point I felt all the stress release from my body
> 
> I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her. She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from. The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.
> 
> I’m fine with all this and I know that this is what she needs to stay sober… In the end I would rather have her stay sober and leave me than drink and stay with me.
> 
> I know this post was long, thanks for listening, but right now I’m at peace with our relationship and letting my fear go. Who knows, she could be lying, but that is out of my control. I will keep an eye open, but I’m going to live in the moment, enjoy the happiness I feel and take it day by day. It almost feels like I’m falling in love with her again (you know the new loving feeling and you can’t stop thinking about them)


I read alot of good things in this POST -- and also some things that may not be so good.

The best thing I read is that you are willing to set her free -- if that is what it takes to remain sober. 

She seems like she is finding herself since she is sober -- and her life going forward may not include you.

If you are okay with that -- I iwsh you the best and hope this all turns out positive for you and her.


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## Lost-Husband

Yes, i guess I could have said it in a few lines, but i wanted to give backgroud.

I just hope her new life includes me. Today it does!


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## tacoma

Lost-Husband said:


> Thank you all for helping me though this.
> 
> JH52/Shaggy – I really can’t go with her because of work. She also way before this talked about needing time alone away from the stresses. Now she is just following up on it.
> 
> I look at it this now, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s you’re forever. I need to trust her.
> 
> Update – yesterday was a very stressful day and I was obsession on it all day to the point I had a knot in my stomach and couldn’t focus on anything.
> 
> I went out to mow the lawn, which did calm me a bit, but not to much. When I finished I came in the house and my wife was cooking dinner and listening to music (she’s really into music since her recovery). I sat there for awhile talking with her about small stuff. She said, come dance with and we slow danced. When she put her arms around me all my fears went away, it felt so right and perfect. She even said to hold her tighter and closer. For the one song, all the world was right.
> 
> That night, we went to bed around 11:00 and made love again (in the past it was only once or twice a month and very perfunctory, it was having sex, not making love). During it I told her told her I lover her and she said “You’ve never said that before (well in a long time), but I felt it and felt so close to her. We went to sleep but woke up for some reason around 2:00 am, we had a long talk and I told her my fears. It was probably the deepest conversation we had in years and it felt so good to have it and get it off my chest.
> 
> I told her I didn’t understand why she was going back the Florida so soon and if there was any one that she was going to see that she had/has romantic feelings towards. She said no, that she just made a lot of close relationships down there and she she wants to feel the support she had from her fellow rehab/AA meetings. And she also said no, I have no romantic feels towards anyone down there. Than, I said, OK, I believe you and trust you. You are the most honest person I know (that is true she never lies and always speaks her feelings. This went on for a little while with me asking the same question in different ways to cover all angles. And her answer was always the same and I truly believe her . It was at that point I felt all the stress release from my body
> 
> I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her. She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from. The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.
> 
> I’m fine with all this and I know that this is what she needs to stay sober… In the end I would rather have her stay sober and leave me than drink and stay with me.
> 
> I know this post was long, thanks for listening, but right now I’m at peace with our relationship and letting my fear go. Who knows, she could be lying, but that is out of my control. I will keep an eye open, but I’m going to live in the moment, enjoy the happiness I feel and take it day by day. It almost feels like I’m falling in love with her again (you know the new loving feeling and you can’t stop thinking about them)


You my friend are being a fool.

She offers nothing and manipulates you with sex and "happy time" and you bite right into that apple.

You`re in for some pain man..serious pain.


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## Lost-Husband

Tocoma, All I can do is hope you're wrong. I really don't know what else to do. I will keep my eyes open, but I need more proof before i can directly confront her.


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## tacoma

Lost-Husband said:


> Tocoma, All I can do is hope you're wrong. I really don't know what else to do. I will keep my eyes open, but I need more proof before i can directly confront her.


I hope I`m wrong too but you can do more than that.



> I know I should have have, but I did look at here email, and she sent him pics of herself looking very nice in some dresses we bought over the weekend. He responded, nice hair, nice dress, do I get the whole package next month (she is planning on going down to visit her cousin) some of the emails end with love you much and stuff. It is his emails that get deleted.


You`re just going to let her go out of town so she can "Give him the whole package"?

She`s hiding her correspondence with this guy, love you`s back and forth....WTF?

No way man...draw a boundary and draw it now.
She doesn`t go and cuts off all communication with "Jack"..really that simple.

Edit:

Keep an eye on her purchases/cards I`m betting she`ll have some nice new undies or negligee soon for her visit to her "cousins".


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## Thundarr

Listen, she may not have gotten herself into this on purpose but emotions are very strong when an infatuation happens. You do have to set some boundaries and be strong enough to follow through with them or she'll fall further into this.

It may be too late already. Very sorry about this situation because she may be a good woman who is vulnerable. That does not change the fact that you have to stop it any way possible. Tough love or whatever it takes but you have to stop it.


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## aug

Honest people cheat too. They are just better and more subtle at it.


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## aug

Lost-Husband said:


> I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but *she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her.* She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, *lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from.* The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.



The bold is where it is at. She gave you an exit fvck. Now she's going to explore the new her. 

For now, the new her does not include you. Or, so it seems.


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## Lost-Husband

wow, i need to process this....


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## aug

You may want to consider putting a gps or tracker on her cell so that you know where she is.

You may want to also hire a PI in Florida to get your answer, if you can afford it.


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## tacoma

Lost-Husband said:


> wow, i need to process this....


At the very least you need eyes on her when she goes on this trip


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## Shaggy

So this new amount of sex your getting, that's her being worked up by her new relationship with him.

Explain hw someone who is so empty of love etc to give right now is able to get so sexual?

She basically told you that she isn't making any commitment to you going forward. That she will do what she wants to do etc. and that you should be greateful for any crumbs she throws you.

Meanwhile you have her and the OM making plans together.

Give trust where it is earned. Blindly trusting doesnt make you're wishes come true.

I thought AA programs had people work with a sponsor, but sort of frowned on people hooking up after meeting there. The reason is that after going through sessions together such people can latch into one another due to the shared experience, but neither person is stable enough to make good decisions and they can quickly unravel one another's progress.

So her continuing relationships with other rehab people is not a good idea, but it really sounds like it is with him.

If she goes alone. You will be cheated on. Even if she doesn't gi down their intending to hook up,mclearly the OM is making plans.


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## SprucHub

Lost - H, I am not a conspiracy theorist or convinced people are always cheating, but your W's responses should give you lots to think about. She is putting her recovery (read:herself first). She doesn't know what the future holds for your relationship? She is asking you to stick with her and support her without a promise to be there for you/with you?

I agree to give her space, but not without some verification. How long is she going for? Is she staying at her cousin's? Has she ever visited this cousin before?

You could ask her questions to test her veracity -e.g., do you have pictures of any of your new friends? Do communicate via Skype or send them pictures of you? Do you keep all of your communications, which ones do you delete. Just color the questions as trying to understand her relationships and "new life".


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## Thundarr

Hey Lost. I have to re-iterate what everyone else is saying here. It's not easy to see from the inside try to look from the outside in. There are motives for how she's acting.

She wants to play both angles while she sees if this new one goes anywhere. This guy is probably married and she's afraid she'll be left by her self if he doesn't want her or if he turns out to be less than she thinks. You will be the backup plan. She as much as said this. 

The good news if you want to keep her is that she really does not want to lose you as the backup plan. You are a known and this guy is an unknown. That gives you the ability to force her to take a huge risk for something that may not work out. If you don't do something though then she will go test the waters and see where things could lead with this other guy knowing that if it does not work that she can fall back on you (her backup).

If it were me (and I were using logic and not emotion which I probably would not be) I would say something like the following.

I am suspicious that you are emotionally involved with ....... and I do not want you to go by yourself. I don't know how to say it any more truthful than that. If you go anyway I know you are not invested in us anymore so you should just pack everything and I'll consider that to be you wanting out of this relationship. Call if you want to discuss how we are splitting our assets. I think your recovery is very important and I want the best for you but I am not your backup plan. I hope you don't go because I still love you but if you do then I know I'm not getting your love in return.


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## Thundarr

Oh. A general rule of thumb for me is that I would not expect her to do more for me than I would be willing to do for her in the exact same circumstance so ask yourself, if things were reversed and you knew she was really worried about you falling for someone, would you still take a trip to that someone's town without her. I personally would not even consider it and that's why I would take a stand on it.

I guess what I'm saying is the just require out of her what you require of yourself.


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## Shaggy

How did she pay for the extra week down there? Have you seen credit card bills for hotel food ? If she was shacked up there woudnt be a hotel bill.


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## xena74

I hope you are right with trusting her. I would like to know what her answer was to "the whole package" comment the OP made?

Whatever happens, keep a watchfull eye on her, don't let sex and romance cloud your vision of whats going on. 

The best advise my mother ever gave me was, "sex does not equal love"


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## missymrs80

Did she also tell you "stop it, your being ridiculous" when you would bring up her drink? Is she on Meds? Looks like she's trying to get her dopamine fix. Wellbutrin.....deplin? Anything?


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## missymrs80

aug said:


> Honest people cheat too. They are just better and more subtle at it.


You are describing a sociopath or even a narcissist. Honest people do not cheat.


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## missymrs80

Original poster, are you in al-anon or coda?


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## Lost-Husband

tacoma said:


> You my friend are being a fool.
> 
> She offers nothing and manipulates you with sex and "happy time" and you bite right into that apple.
> 
> You`re in for some pain man..serious pain.


Wow Tacoma - That post really just puched me in the face.

Thank you all for all your other posts. I know I was being played as a fool.


I did muster the courage to confront her with the information I found in her email. (as predicted she got very upset about her invasion of privacy. I told her I’ll do anything I’m fighting for our lives).

She admitted it, that she was going down to see him. I gave her an ultimatum, which she really doesn’t take well with this situation or where to have dinner for that matter. Either way him or me, if you go down it is over. If you stay we still have a lot to work on (she is setting up marriage counselingsessions). I told her changes are that even if you stay you will be resentful and probably leave me anyway. She say she still loves me but not in love, and right now her feelings for this other guy are more infatuation and really likes him (cause its new). This guy is old (we’re 45, he 58), need Viagra, has a messed up hand and doesn’t have a lot of money. 


Yes, I’m going to alenon, which has helped. The last topic was about what we feel powerless over and those things you have to turn over to your high power (still trying to figure that one out), but either way, I’m powerless over her and her feelings, so I’m turning that over. I do feel a sense of freedom from it.

As for the money, she works hard and makes her own money, but we need both our pay checks to pay all the bills


The great sex continues, almost every night. Which I don’t fully get, but willing to take. So, as things stand now, she says she’s still going and it is over when the plan takes off with her on it.


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## jh52

She is calling your bluff and maybe think about what I am going to write.

Since you have a month before she leaves -- contact a lawyer and have him draw up the papers. 

If she insists on going -- take her to the airport and as she goes through security hand her an envelope with the divorce papers.

Tell her to send his address to you so you can send her stuff down to Florida.

Tell her the marriage is over -- and say goodbye.

She has to be held accountable for her actions and crossing the boundaries that you told her hurt you. She is willing to throw away a marriage for a what if -- and you are her plan b. 

You deserve more than being anyone's plan b.

Good luck.


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## tacoma

JH52 is on the money.

Get thise D papers done and serve her before she goes.
She doesn't believe you'll do it.

Personally I'd let her go and have all her **** moved out and locks changed when she gets back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown

Lost-Husband said:


> Wow Tacoma - That post really just puched me in the face.
> 
> Thank you all for all your other posts. I know I was being played as a fool.
> 
> 
> I did muster the courage to confront her with the information I found in her email. (as predicted she got very upset about her invasion of privacy. I told her I’ll do anything I’m fighting for our lives).
> 
> She admitted it, that she was going down to see him. I gave her an ultimatum, which she really doesn’t take well with this situation or where to have dinner for that matter. Either way him or me, if you go down it is over. If you stay we still have a lot to work on (she is setting up marriage counselingsessions). I told her changes are that even if you stay you will be resentful and probably leave me anyway. She say she still loves me but not in love, and right now her feelings for this other guy are more infatuation and really likes him (cause its new). This guy is old (we’re 45, he 58), need Viagra, has a messed up hand and doesn’t have a lot of money.
> 
> 
> Yes, I’m going to alenon, which has helped. The last topic was about what we feel powerless over and those things you have to turn over to your high power (still trying to figure that one out), but either way, I’m powerless over her and her feelings, so I’m turning that over. I do feel a sense of freedom from it.
> 
> As for the money, she works hard and *makes her own money*, but we need both our pay checks to pay all the bills
> How is it "her own" money if she is married?
> 
> The great sex continues, almost every night. Which I don’t fully get, but willing to take. So, as things stand now, she says she’s still going and it is over when the plan takes off with her on it.


I hope you have told her she must NC this guy. And remember, cheaters will only tell you what they think they have to. 

Why did she go to FL for treatment?


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## anonim

Lost-Husband said:


> Wow Tacoma - That post really just puched me in the face.
> 
> Thank you all for all your other posts. I know I was being played as a fool.
> 
> 
> I did muster the courage to confront her with the information I found in her email. (as predicted she got very upset about her invasion of privacy. I told her I’ll do anything I’m fighting for our lives).
> 
> She admitted it, that she was going down to see him. I gave her an ultimatum, which she really doesn’t take well with this situation or where to have dinner for that matter. Either way him or me, if you go down it is over. If you stay we still have a lot to work on (she is setting up marriage counselingsessions). I told her changes are that even if you stay you will be resentful and probably leave me anyway. She say she still loves me but not in love, and right now her feelings for this other guy are more infatuation and really likes him (cause its new). This guy is old (we’re 45, he 58), need Viagra, has a messed up hand and doesn’t have a lot of money.
> 
> 
> Yes, I’m going to alenon, which has helped. The last topic was about what we feel powerless over and those things you have to turn over to your high power (still trying to figure that one out), but either way, I’m powerless over her and her feelings, so I’m turning that over. I do feel a sense of freedom from it.
> 
> As for the money, she works hard and makes her own money, but we need both our pay checks to pay all the bills
> 
> 
> The great sex continues, almost every night. Which I don’t fully get, but willing to take. So, as things stand now, she says she’s still going and it is over when the plan takes off with her on it.


you gave her an ultimatum. she chose him. it's now over.

It's over _NOW_.

Whats worse looking in a spouses email or trying to hook up with other people while married? its a no brainer. 

It's not your problem or fault that she takes ultimatums hard, so dont feel bad about it. You wouldnt have to make one if she wasnt trying to hook up with guys while married to you. She'd be well within her right to make an ultimatum to you if the situation was reversed right?

Stop having sex with her. you're reinforcing a (one way) dopamine bond with her.As great as it feels now, it will hurt 10x when she gets on that plane if you havent disconnected when she leaves. its very good that she 'fessed up when you confronted her, most cheaters lie/gaslight/crazymake when confronted.

Never forget YOU are making the choices here. You can have a wife thats not an alcoholic, that doesnt hook up with other men, that doesnt lie to you.


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## Another Planet

If you feel to question whether something is right or wrong that is your conscience telling you your moral values say it is wrong.

I am new to this myself and have read and learned alot and it sounds like she developed an emotional affair directly related to her process of recovering. Her needs were met by another man because she was vulnerable, all though not an excuse for her actions but an explanation. Unfortunately an affair is an affair and she has been unfaithfull to you and now it is up to you to decide what direction you want to go.

Good luck to you friend.


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## Sara Ann

Wow, I guess I'm really lucky. When I got off the pills, I became totally infatuated too....with my husband of 22 years. It never occurred to me to cheat, because I always believed whatever problems we had, I would have with any other person. I had to fix myself and find the solutions in our marriage. He even gave me the green light to explore sexually outside the marriage and for my own personal growth I turned it down. I wanted to explore all my eroticism in my marriage. That turned out to be a good decision, because I have uncovered what I needed in him and in our relationship. 

Why would your wife want to leave a solid marriage for an old guy with little money who needs Viagra? It sounds like a little instability there. Google the story about the CA state treasurer, whose attorney wife had a long fling with a meth addict she met in her rehab. Nadia Lockyer is her name. Amazing story, it just happened earlier this year. The husband eventually got fed up and divorced her.


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## jh52

Sara Ann said:


> Wow, I guess I'm really lucky. When I got off the pills, I became totally infatuated too....with my husband of 22 years. It never occurred to me to cheat, because I always believed whatever problems we had, I would have with any other person. I had to fix myself and find the solutions in our marriage. He even gave me the green light to explore sexually outside the marriage and for my own personal growth I turned it down. I wanted to explore all my eroticism in my marriage. That turned out to be a good decision, because I have uncovered what I needed in him and in our relationship.
> 
> Why would your wife want to leave a solid marriage for an old guy with little money who needs Viagra? It sounds like a little instability there. Google the story about the CA state treasurer, whose attorney wife had a long fling with a meth addict she met in her rehab. Nadia Lockyer is her name. Amazing story, it just happened earlier this year. The husband eventually got fed up and divorced her.


Sara Ann == I congratulate you on making the right decision and sticking through all the issues you had with your husband. Not very many people (men or women) are trying it this way. Also, for recognizing you need to fix yourself. People today jump from one relationship to the next without looking within and fixing themselves.

Once again congrats -- and wish you and your husband the best.


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## sandc

I have read it many times on this forum and it is so true... you have to be willing to lose your marriage if you want to save it. So, go to your lawyer, have the divorce papers drawn up. You can leave them lying around where she'll discover them. D papers have a way of hitting a WS with the 2x4 of reality.


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## Sara Ann

When people get off substances, they really have to look within as to why they did it, instead of blaming some imaginary disease or running off to escape their life with some hot guy. If someone is unable to do this, they are no better a mate sober than drunk, imo.

There's another thread about a woman perplexed that her husband left her after she got sober. I'm not surprised, because she hasn't changed. She is not looking within, she is blaming everyone else for her problems. She's blaming him for leaving, blames her relapse on her illness and disease, and has not taken any responsibility for why she started drinking again. 

People have to "man up", take responsibility for themselves, and not escape in drugs or relationships or TV or books or talkaboutmarriage when they should be working. oops, gotta go


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## tonyarz

Dude, That woman sounds like she loves you a lot! I would drop it and trust her. She is going thru a recovery and trying to help others. I seriously doubt she is having sex.


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## oddball

Having been in recovery myself, I know that when I broke my addiction, and got involved in a 12 step programme I received a lot of love from other members. Being part of the fellowship is emotionally intense, as a level of honesty and grappling with life, and sharing it is required.

This can open a hornets nest of emotions, and emotional connections.

Having said that, those who have walked a solid recovery path always warn of the predators in the rooms. The 13th steppers. They are their to pray on all that vulnerability and emotion - for their own ends.

Recovery is NOT a selfish process. Ye4s, our recovery is a priority, but usually we have hurt those we love, and are required to make amends.

So selfishly going to see some guy, that you have objected to is NOT recovery.

I wonder what her sponsor thinks of her selfish behavior?

Dude, she is crossing the line seriously, and as someone who you say is working her programme of recovery - well, I am not convinced. She is simply being dishonest and selfish.


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## Lost-Husband

OK, its been awhile since I reposted. I think it was getting to difficult to read all the responses. All good advice though. Thank you all.

Quick update: At first she was going to go down like I said before, but I kept consistent pressure up about why, how it was hurting me and how if she says the relationship with the guy is nothing, than that means our relationship is less than nothing. Also, they guys wife was calling an emailing her and she said she had enough and the “friendship “she had with this guy is not worth it. During one of our many middle of the night conversations (after GREAT sex) she said why don’t you come down with me! I booked it at 4:00am and got a nice B&B to stay at. Life was good.

This all happened about 2 weeks before the trip. A few days before the trip we got into another fight, and I said I’m not going down, have fun down there. Less than 12 hours later I was like **** that, I’m still going, but she already got him to get her a room. The day of the trip I get an email from the guys wife, saying he had plans to stay with her all weekend. At this point I lost it, gave her the ultimatum of either you come down and stay with more or I’m staying home and moving out this weekend. She agreed to stay with me. We went down and had an awesome time. I felt as if I found new love for her, you know the feeling when you fall in love with a person for the first time.

Now we’ve been back from the trip about a week and things are going okay. We do have a lot going on with work, kids, school. She also threw her back out. I love doing things for her, the little things like have her coffee ready in the morning, clean up around the house, making her a snack, just the little things that makes life easier. I also like to feel close to her and hold her as we fall asleep. But all this seems very one side and I don’t seem to get much affection back from her which I really need now, after everything that happened. I need to know she loves me, is in love with me and desires me, but I’m not feeling much of that. Not that it was much different before this stuff happened, but it did make me realize that it is something I want and need.


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## Hope1964

Read this book.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Then stop letting her keep making you plan B.

So what, you have a fight and she goes running to him? How long are you going to let that happen? Has she done NC with him? Letting you see all her emails, her phone, her credit card and bank statements? 

PLEASE get on over to the Coping with Infidelity section and do some reading. You're sweeping this under the rug and she's still cheating.

You do not NEED her. You only think you do. There's this really cool thing called *the 180* that you need to do. You can read about it in CWI. Find yourself, and only THEN decide if you WANT her. If you really do, then make it clear to her what has to happen in order for you to stay with her.


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## sandc

Dude, you can't nice your way out of this. She was going down there to stay with OM. She didn't come to her senses and cancel, you had a fight and gave her an ultimatum. She's only with you until she can find a way to be with him. 

Tell her exactly what you want, which is everything Hope outlined above. If she doesn't agree the file for D. The only thing that may bring her back to reality is realizing what she will be losing if she pursues OM.

And you really need to let their organization know they are having an affair.


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