# No sex drive and husband doesnt understand (LONG)



## ashli (Sep 20, 2012)

I am 22, married to a military man. We have a 1 year old daughter that i stay home with and we have been married for almost 2 years. I have virtually no sex drive and its starting to bother my husband. We were up fighting about it all last night. I love my husband dearly, and i still find him attractive. But after a day of my baby crying at my feet and getting her food all over me i dont feel attractive and the way he goes about initiating sex doesnt exactly put me in the mood either. the groping and the dirty talk (joking of course) just doesnt do it for me. i have a 1 year old pulling and poking all day, the last thing i want is for my husband to do the same thing. especially since 2 weeks ago i was informed he wishes i would lose weight... which in fact i need to but he waited until a fight about something else to bring it up and tell me how hes never been with someone my size. so its really hard for me to be vunerable with him, knowing that im not exactly what he likes. im also just an awkward person, thanks to my mothers teasing and taunting about sex when i was younger. i tried to talk to him about it and suggest he help me through it and i got a "get over it" reply. i know im in the wrong as much as him, but i just need some advice before it gets taken too far.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well you better figure it out soon. 22 year guys don't stay in sexless marriages for long.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Have you talked to your husband about needing more help with the baby/around the house? If so, what'd he say? If you haven't it might be a good idea to do so. That way, you'll get some alone time to take a break, workout and do things that put you in a more sexy mood. If a long, drawn out conversation isn't your style, even asking for things in the moment as you need them done could help give you a much-needed break. 

I know it must have hurt to hear that he doesn't prefer you at the size you are now but he obviously still finds you desirable if he keeps trying to initiate sex. Since you don't like how he approaches it by groping and talking dirty, maybe you can give him some clear-cut examples of things you would like him to do to get you in the mood. Alternatively, you should try to initiate in a way that you enjoy and that he'd also like more often. Women should initiate too. We aren't the only ones that like to feel desirable or sexy by our mates! You definitely can't keep rejecting him for long. You're going to make him feel rejected as a man and eventually, the initiations will stop altogether.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ashli said:


> But after a day of my baby crying at my feet and getting her food all over me i dont feel attractive and the way he goes about initiating sex doesnt exactly put me in the mood either.


I suggest you get organized at home. An infant should nap a good portion of the day. When your baby is napping, spend some of that time relaxing. Take a bath or exercise. When your baby wakes up, you'll be refreshed.



ashli said:


> the groping and the dirty talk (joking of course) just doesnt do it for me. i have a 1 year old pulling and poking all day, the last thing i want is for my husband to do the same thing.


Here, you install some behavior modification. When your husband initiates in that way, stop him and tell him that you don't like it and won't respond to it. But, you need to tell him what you want him to do. And when he initiates in the way you asked him to, respond to him. It shouldn't take him long to start initiating in the way that gets him sex. You don't even have to go as far as stopping the action completely. A simple, "Not like that, like this," may be all you need.



ashli said:


> especially since 2 weeks ago i was informed he wishes i would lose weight... which in fact i need to but he waited until a fight about something else to bring it up and tell me how hes never been with someone my size. so its really hard for me to be vunerable with him, knowing that im not exactly what he likes. im also just an awkward person, thanks to my mothers teasing and taunting about sex when i was younger. i tried to talk to him about it and suggest he help me through it and i got a "get over it" reply. i know im in the wrong as much as him, but i just need some advice before it gets taken too far.


He shouldn't have criticized your weight. But, he's hurting. For a man, sexual rejection is an extremely personal thing. You probably think that you're rejecting the act of sex. But to your husband, you're rejecting HIM. And when your wife rejects you regularly, it hurts. Some men respond to that pain by lashing out.

To put his needs in perspective, look at it this way. You spend your days with a baby. When your husband comes home, you're probably itching to have an adult conversation. But what if your husband stopped you and told you that he had to talk all day at work and the last thing he wants is to come home and talk more. It would be frustrating for you. After weeks or months, it would be painful for you. That's what your husband is experiencing. So you need to create an atmosphere where you can provide for each others' needs.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Miss Taken said:


> Have you talked to your husband about needing more help with the baby/around the house?


How many people does it take to care for a baby? It reminds me of the jokes about how many ____ it takes to change a light bulb, except people seriously expect the number to be higher than one. :scratchhead:


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> How many people does it take to care for a baby? It reminds me of the jokes about how many ____ it takes to change a light bulb, except people seriously expect the number to be higher than one. :scratchhead:


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Here, you install some behavior modification. When your husband initiates in that way, stop him and tell him that you don't like it and won't respond to it. But, you need to tell him what you want him to do. And when he initiates in the way you asked him to, respond to him. It shouldn't take him long to start initiating in the way that gets him sex. You don't even have to go as far as stopping the action completely. A simple, "Not like that, like this," may be all you need.


No! 

Don't tell him you don't like it! That's the worst thing you could do! Go straight to the other options. Go to the "like this..." without criticizing his actions. 

If you HAVE to tell him you don't like the way he's initiating, do it later. Don't do it while he's trying to initiate. All that will do is make him feel rejection and shame. And he won;t listen to anything else at that point.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> How many people does it take to care for a baby? It reminds me of the jokes about how many ____ it takes to change a light bulb, except people seriously expect the number to be higher than one. :scratchhead:


I've always found this funny too. It's hard because they make it hard. The kid eats, sleeps and poops. You do not have to have the kid hanging on you every waking moment. And if it's a year old, it's generally recommended it's time to let him start learning to soothe himself anyway instead of running to him every time he cries.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> How many people does it take to care for a baby? It reminds me of the jokes about how many ____ it takes to change a light bulb, except people seriously expect the number to be higher than one. :scratchhead:


While it only takes one person to care for a baby, two is better and definitely easier and it frees up time to do other things. I'm a single mother with eight year old and six day old sons. I am doing this by myself but let me tell you, a baby is not a light-bulb. I would definitely appreciate some help if that were possible. If my children's father had been good to me instead of the cheater and emotional manipulator that he is, him helping out with the kids would have resulted in more nookie from me.

ETA: I can't speak for the OP but in general, I don't think it's so much about parenting being "hard" when it comes to women wanting their men to chip in with the parenting. Personally, if I was a stay at home mom and my husband offered to give the kids a bath/watch them for a few hours so I could go and relax or workout, I would appreciate the gesture not because parenting is hard. I would appreciate it because I'd interpret it as him caring about me as a wife and mom and showing appreciation. When I've stayed home with the kids, one of the ways I tried to show appreciation (back when things were good between us) was always giving my ex some down time before expecting him to join the family. I wanted him to relax and unwind because I appreciated him going out and working to provide for us.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Are you on any birth control too?

These can lower your libido


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Drover said:


> I've always found this funny too. It's hard because they make it hard. *The kid eats, sleeps and poops.* You do not have to have the kid hanging on you every waking moment. And if it's a year old, it's generally recommended it's time to let him start learning to soothe himself anyway instead of running to him every time he cries.



My first kid, very easy going and the bold part was true for him. This kid is a crier that only lets me put him down when he's sleeping, and sometimes not even then. Not all kids are easygoing. Some are more demanding than others. I don't think it's as hard as some make it out to be but it's not always easy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Miss Taken said:


> While it only takes one person to care for a baby, two is better and definitely easier and it frees up time to do other things. I'm a single mother with eight year old and a six day old sons. I am doing this by myself but let me tell you, a baby is not a light-bulb. I would definitely appreciate some help if that were possible. If my children's father had been good to me instead of the cheater and emotional manipulator that he is, him helping out with the kids would have resulted in more nookie from me.


Obviously a single parent is a different equation. If you work full time and also care for two kids, that's a lot to do.

But the OP doesn't work. She has one baby and keeps the house. That's easy. Sure, she probably needs an occasional babysitter for a couple of hours to get her hair done, see a movie, or go on a date with her husband. But she should be capable of getting through the day without burning out. If she can't, she's doing it wrong.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Do you have post-partum depression? Many women work full-time, take care of babies & have sex. Also, when the baby naps, you can work-out to some in-home DVD's or even go to an exercise class that has babysitting (I did).


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## ashli (Sep 20, 2012)

Thanks for the advice! No, I'm not on BC. Also, my daughter is very well behaved and the comment about her hanging on me all day may have been exaggerated. My husband helps me a lot with her but its the emotional aspect that its lacking. He has never had her by himself for more than six hours so he thinks that its easy. I'm also struggling to find a balance between mother and young adult as well. Being in the military, we have no one here. So the nights out with friends and concerts etc... all the things young couples do, don't exist. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what I signed up for. But I have trouble remembering that I'm still young and I still deserve to have fun. Therefore its hard for me to set my oversized T-shirt, greasy bun and "worries" aside and just enjoy my husband and let myself go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashli (Sep 20, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Do you have post-partum depression? Many women work full-time, take care of babies & have sex. Also, when the baby naps, you can work-out to some in-home DVD's or even go to an exercise class that has babysitting (I did).


I've wondered the same thing, but she is already a year old?

The weight issue- I have been eating better and going running/walking. I have looked into gyms but our finances at the moment aren't allowing me to get a membership.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband probably does not go about getting you in the mood in the right way, and he could improve.

But getting that out of the way, what you have to understand is that you have a child. It's important for the well being of this child to be raised in a good marriage. A good marriage consists of a man being sexually satisfied by his wife. What you see as your man "getting off' and perverted is actually to your man a deeply emotional experience. So what I am saying is that your husband's sexual satisfaction is crucial to your and your child's well being.

So, given the level of priority your marriage is in your life, what is it YOU can do to prioritize your sexuality? Your marriage and your husband should come before your child's needs in my opinoin, since the child gets so much of his needs met from the marriage / family itself.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ashli said:


> Being in the military, we have no one here. So the nights out with friends and concerts etc... all the things young couples do, don't exist.


I think you need to look into this more. I was in the Army Guard, but I've known enough Active Duty people, and have been on enough mil bases to know that there is generally a lot of community support for military families. Unless you are in some remote location, I bet there are all kinds activities that the two of you could do as a young couple.

On the s** thing, maybe you could "fake it until you make it?" I can tell you that as a H of a zero/low drive wife...the resentment builds quickly, and he may reach a point of no return.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Drover said:


> I've always found this funny too. It's hard because they make it hard. The kid eats, sleeps and poops. You do not have to have the kid hanging on you every waking moment. And if it's a year old, it's generally recommended it's time to let him start learning to soothe himself anyway instead of running to him every time he cries.


Yeah, I agree with this to a certain extent. And I have actually done it for several months so I'm not blowing smoke either. I think what you are missing is the sleep deprivation factor. When you become seriously sleep deprived taking care of one baby is difficult, stressful, etc. 

My oldest son was was a HORRIBLE sleeper through age 3. He would somehow be refreshed in the morning and we would be wrecked. We learned to function in a zombie state. 

But the idea that a baby requires an incredible amount of work is silly (assuming that there aren't special needs). I never had more easy work than when I was caring for my son. And we used cloth diapers with him. That's extra work that most people don't have. Heck, babies are fun and really interesting. I think that the people who complain about the effort are just low energy people to begin with.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Man, I wish I could go back to when my son was 1... Those days were sure easy for me and my marriage...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I won't tell you how you should or shouldn't be raising your child, and whether you should or shouldn't be tired or feel unsexy or that you're doing it all wrong. I'm sorry you're getting so much flak about your struggles as a new, young mother and new, young wife.

Personally, I think your husband is being dumb in not listening to you about how you hate being groped and prodded for sex. He's only alienating you further by continuing to do what you asked him not to do. Poking and prodding is not attractive and doesn't make you feel sexy; neither is whining and pushing for sex. I can see how he comes off as yet another needy child when he does that.

I agree with those who have said to correct him by telling him what you would like him to do to turn you on, and when he complies, praise him by telling him how hot it was. "You know what would be really hot? Kiss me here, and here, and here...yes, that's perfect, mmm..."

If you need an hour after he gets home or after the baby goes to sleep, to go take a shower or bubble bath to relax, then tell him that's what you need. If you need to be able to schedule an hour to work out certain days, do it and make sure he knows your schedule so he can be with the baby while you workout. If you need a day out of the house during the week, make the arrangements and tell him you need the time to get refreshed so you can clear your mind and think about something other than baby poop. If you need time with your husband, plan for date nights and get a baby-sitter, so you and H can reconnect (and you get the emotional energy for HIM).

If he will not do those things for you when you specifically ask and schedule, then you have bigger problems because he is neither listening nor respecting you.

You're both young. 22 and married with a baby! I'd be freaking out myself. It will take time for you to work out your relationship and what you need to do for each other to maintain a good marriage and good sex life. Don't forget: we teach people how to treat us. Don't accept crappy treatment and dismissal of your concerns, needs and wants. Stand up for yourself and be very clear what you need in order to feel sexy enough and supported enough in your relationship to actually want sex again.

Good luck.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

ashli said:


> but its the emotional aspect that its lacking. He has never had her by himself for more than six hours so he thinks that its easy.


What else about the emotional aspect is lacking and what have you done or said to try to work with him to correct it? 



ashli said:


> I'm also struggling to find a balance between mother and young adult as well...So the nights out with friends and concerts etc... all the things young couples do...I know exactly what I signed up for. But I have trouble remembering that I'm still young and I still deserve to have fun.


I was a young mom when I had my first, so I can relate to your feelings as I used to share them. Personally, I think you’re too stuck in thinking that you’re twenty-two so should be out socializing like the childless people your age do. However, once you’re a mom, your lifestyle and priorities have to change. 

Everyone should have some “fun” in life but concerts and nights out (I’m assuming you mean drinking/dancing in bars), is not the only way to have fun whether you’re 22 or 42. I’d suggest you try to find some younger moms in your area that you can socialize with. If you haven’t already signed up there, a great site to make friends and meet people from is Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup. Also, find other hobbies you can do locally or even at home to quell any boredom. 

Everyone is different. Personally, I’ve always liked taking long walks and luckily, it’s free and it’s kid-friendly because you can push a stroller or wear your child in a sling or carrier. Some other things I do/have done while staying home and caring for my son(s) are baking, cake-making, cooking, sewing, P90X and bodyweight exercises, running on my elliptical, reading books from the library, blogging, gardening, decorating, writing, taking free courses online, candle-making, listening to music, writing songs, watching movies, photography, playing video games etc. Additionally, you can find fun things to do with your kid. There are play gyms, parks, story time at the library, making crafts (this will be more of you and less her at this age), mom-baby groups, mom-baby swimming classes etc. 

Between pursuing hobbies, caring for kids, and cleaning/cooking, and running errands you’ve got to try really hard to be bored! Also, if you meet other moms, maybe you can swap for free childcare after you develop friendships with them and then you and the H can grab some time alone to enjoy each other. 



ashli said:


> Therefore its hard for me to set my oversized T-shirt, greasy bun and "worries" aside and just enjoy my husband and let myself go.


Even though you don’t feel like it, I really think you ought to take a shower and shave your legs, slap on some moisturizer, run a comb through your hair, spritz on your favourite scent, put on some make-up if you wish and wear something attractive. Dressing better will make you feel better and you can wear clothing that’s comfortable/practical but still attractive. Sitting there in your sweats with your greasy hair in a scrunchy is definitely not going to help you one bit in terms of feeling sexier. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it!



ashli said:


> I've wondered the same thing, but she is already a year old?


If you’ve wondered about this then it’s worth looking into. You could have had PPD but not really noticed it. Is your weight gain from the pregnancy or did you gain it after? 


ashli said:


> The weight issue- I have been eating better and going running/walking. I have looked into gyms but our finances at the moment aren't allowing me to get a membership_Posted via Mobile Device_


This is good but you don’t need to go to the gym to get in shape. There are plenty of workout videos on the web that are free for your calorie-burning pleasure as well as a plethora of websites to help you get and stay on track in terms of your diet and fitness goals. About.com’s site calorie-count.com is a good one. Another is Free Diet Plans at SparkPeople and yet another is Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com. 

You can do so many body weight exercises and purchase a basic weight set that’s cheaper than a gym membership. I highly suggest you seek out this ebook. It’s got many great, great, great bodyweight exercises with detailed pictures and instructions and also workout routines you can do at home. 

Exercising can even be a way to spend time with the baby. You can lift or carry her during her workouts. If she’s anything like my oldest was, she’ll love playing “airplane” as you lift and curl her in the air lol. Additionally, you can take walks or go jogging with baby in the stroller... speaking of babies, my little one is awake.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This problem is not all your fault, nor is it all his. But the only person you can do anything about is yourself. You can talk to him and tell him what you need, but he himself has to actually do it.

It sounds to me like both your love banks are on empty. You need to start filling his up. Fake it if you have to - tell him you love him, kiss him at random times, and INITIATE SEX. Do it before he gropes you. Let him know you do desire him. You HAVE to do that or things will never improve. The theory is that once you start filling his love bank, he'll reciprocate. And it actually does work that way most of the time.

One of you has to make the first move. Swallow your lumps and just do it. Depending on how far things have gone, you may have to wait a while before he turns back to you. But just don't give up.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

norajane said:


> I'm sorry you're getting so much flak about your struggles as a new, young mother and new, young wife.


No one has criticized her. We're trying to be constructive. Motherhood is like riding a bicycle. No one is born knowing how to do it. But once you figure it out, it's no problem.

And if you have no idea what you're doing, and you jump on a bicycle facing backward, it will seem impossible. In a case like that, I think someone else telling you that you're doing it wrong can help you step back, try something else, and get it right.


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## Trey (Sep 20, 2012)

This is what I think, but keep in mind, everybody on here has problems of their own but we're all here to work through them. My wife and I went through the same issues, most people do. Have you told him that you don't feel attractive after the baby spits up on you all day and your a little heavier than when you first hooked up (which by the way is normal)? My wife told me that she didn't feel sexy so guess what I did.....I spent more time trying to help my wife feel attractive. I was in the military myself and they instill in us a certain kind of behavior. I don't know what your husband does but I was a plain old grunt. They teach us to basically get in, get the job done and get out. I think that since your starting to eat better and your doing some excercising, your sex drive may go up. Tell him to make you feel sexy and warm you up a little bit!! Guys are like microwaves, we're ready to go anytime, anywhere, Ladies are like slow cookers, you start them in the morning and watch the heat rise all day!!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ashli said:


> Thanks for the advice! No, I'm not on BC. Also, my daughter is very well behaved and the comment about her hanging on me all day may have been exaggerated. My husband helps me a lot with her but its the emotional aspect that its lacking. He has never had her by himself for more than six hours so he thinks that its easy. I'm also struggling to find a balance between mother and young adult as well. Being in the military, we have no one here. So the nights out with friends and concerts etc... all the things young couples do, don't exist. *Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what I signed up for.* But I have trouble remembering that I'm still young and I still deserve to have fun. Therefore its hard for me to set my oversized T-shirt, greasy bun and "worries" aside and just enjoy my husband and let myself go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know what you signed up for in marriage too, right?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Are you breast feeding? Are you afraid of getting pregnant again? How many hours of sleep in a row do you usually get? 

Anyone who thinks taking care of a child by yourself all the time is easy has obviously never done it. 

Have you looked into joining a play group or two? How about finding a part time job? Even if you break even on it from child care, it gives you adult time, a reason to look nice, and you can meet new people to be friends with. In addition guess what? You can go to the bathroom by yourself! And take breaks! For 15 minutes! By yourself! Lol. 
I loved that when I started working when my daughter was two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Yeah, I agree with this to a certain extent. And I have actually done it for several months so I'm not blowing smoke either. I think what you are missing is the sleep deprivation factor. When you become seriously sleep deprived taking care of one baby is difficult, stressful, etc.
> 
> My oldest son was was a HORRIBLE sleeper through age 3. He would somehow be refreshed in the morning and we would be wrecked. We learned to function in a zombie state.
> 
> But the idea that a baby requires an incredible amount of work is silly (assuming that there aren't special needs). I never had more easy work than when I was caring for my son. And we used cloth diapers with him. That's extra work that most people don't have. Heck, babies are fun and really interesting. I think that the people who complain about the effort are just low energy people to begin with.


We went through the no sleep thing for awhile. That's why I said you have to let them learn to self-soothe after they're 1. It's heart breaking but you have to just let them cry. Close your door, turn on some white noise. It takes discipline on your part, but it won't take more than a day or two.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Ashli - you've received some fabulous advice already. I probably have nothing new to add other than this...

Might get shot by some but here goes... before you try and talk to your husband...have sex with him. Cuddle him, stroke him and tell him how much you love him. 

THEN have your talk.

Once he has had release, had a flush of happy hormones and felt connected to you he will more than likely be kinder and more loving towards you.

Then repeat the sex and communication thing at least weekly for the rest of your marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> Anyone who thinks taking care of a child by yourself all the time is easy has obviously never done it.


You obviously don't know what you're talking about. I did the Mr. Mom thing for a while. It was easy. Easier than my white collar job where I stare at a computer all day.

My grandmother had 9 kids. And no washing machine, dishwasher, vacuum cleaner, microwave, etc. She also couldn't go to pilates class or have her nails done. That was hard. Feeding an infant, then putting him down for a nap while you load the dishwasher is a breeze.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Miss Taken said:


> Have you talked to your husband about needing more help with the baby/around the house? If so, what'd he say? If you haven't it might be a good idea to do so. That way, you'll get some alone time to take a break, workout and do things that put you in a more sexy mood. If a long, drawn out conversation isn't your style, even asking for things in the moment as you need them done could help give you a much-needed break.


That's what my wife did, I worked 12 hour days in the past and in the middle of the night she either kicked me out of bed, stole my side of the blanket, nagged all night until I got up to take care of our daughter instead of her. Then in the morning when I'm struggling to get up she wakes me up for sex.

Well, I guess NOW I know how she maintained her libido during those times... and I thought her kicking me out of bed was a bad thing...


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