# None of my Business



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I could write a book. My wife is very irresponsible. I do not want to treat her like a kid but...

No matter that I made good money in the past we ALWAYS lived paycheck to paycheck going on 17 years now.

My coworkers bought bigger homes as I sold mine and started renting 10 years ago. She wanted to be a stay at home mom.

Big mistake on my end... Those stay at home Mom years I made her pay the bills and I worked my but off, was not home much. She did not make payments on cards and other bills she was overwhelmed. By the time it came to my attention just one of her credit card payments was $1600.00. I cashed out my 401k to pay off what I could. It was that bad.

She had her car stolen because she left the keys in it. They were also able to get gas and food thanks to her because her credit cards were in the car too. If she has cash I have seen it fall out of her pocket while walking. We buy milk and other food every other day because she forgets to put stuff away. We spend spend and spend more to have nothing.

I took over all bills but.... She opened up more cards. Told me it is none of my business. Would not let me know about them. She works part time and "I should be able to spend my money."

Well I lost my job. First time in 20 years I am jobless but looking. We are already in so much dept. I logged on to one of her credit cards to see what was going on. She made $610.00 in payments only to have the balance go up $200.00 in the past few months.

I am so frustrated, all this money going to crap and nothing to show for it.

I realize when I get a new job that I will have to be gone all the time to catch up on bills. I do not want to be that dad that is never home. They only grow up once. I am pissed. Feel like all I can do is throw my life away at a job.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't think it's a job that you're throwing your life away for.....

Your wife sounds like an immature child that has no interest in growing up. If she can't even manage to put milk in the fridge, what on earth makes you think she needs to be carrying cash? Never mind paying bills or using plastic! You won't ever get ahead as long as she's fine frittering about and (literally) throwing money away.

Marriage is a partnership, not a babysitting job. If she's not willing to contribute her income to the household expenses, then the best thing you can do is separate your finances and you take care of the finances. That means that she gets left cash to pick up groceries and whatever things you can't supervise. Put an alert on your credit report so that if she opens any new cards, they aren't joint, they're hers alone. Close any joint accounts and credit cards and reopen them solely in your name.

If you can't trust her, then you have to at least make sure that she can't hurt you anymore than she has.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I know I have to put my foot down. I just do not know how to handle it. We are in about 20k in credit dept yet. She will want to take the summer off again to be with our 10 year old.

Hopefully I will be at my new job that pays well but requires lots of travel. When I am not home she will need access to some type of money. But there is no way to control what she buys. I can not be there to make sure it gets spent correctly. She says it is the mans job to bring home the money. Wish I could stay home for the summer and let her work for a change.

She is already talking about another new car and I do not even have a job yet. I just do not get what goes on in her head. We can not afford to put food on the table and she is thinking about a new car? We have two cars already that run fine but do need maintenance work. Figured food is more important then oil changes.

My last job was 100 miles one way. I would drive to work and stop to get gas only to find out I had no way to pay. She would take my debit card out of my wallet at night when I was asleep to go shopping. She would forget to put it back. She just fails to think ahead, what might be around the corner.

We go to other peoples homes and she is like "wow I do not know how they afford that big house, he must make a lot." No they do not, they were just smart with there money.

I know money is not everything but this is just stupid.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Well if you do address it with her, you'll have to be flat out blunt and straightforward. Clearly subtlety and soft shoe approaches haven't worked. 

But first you basically have to decide that being broke for no good reason is worse than a confrontation.

She has no reason to change, you know. She doesn't have to work, she gets everything she wants and you just pay for it. Until there are some kind of consequences, whether they're from you or her creditors--she's got things pretty good. Why would she do anything different?

You have to draw the line, or else just get used to the status quo.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

I am in the opposite position...my husband is the financially challenged one...but I can SO relate to your post. We both work, but we are in similar amount of debt and he does not seem to care or be concerned about it in the least. Last summer we went on vacation even though I knew it wasn't in our best interest because of our debt, but I got tired of him badgering me about it. 

I took over our finances although he does pay a few bills, but we always let each other know (at least I do) when I have paid a bill. My husband also went out and bought a new car at a much higher price than I would have in our situation. I finally put my foot down and told him no more credit cards. We are on a budget and going to marriage counseling. I hope we can work things out but I am so drained from dealing with this and being a watchdog all the time. 

I think the other post hit the nail on the head...marriage should be a partnership, not a babysitting job. As far as her telling you that her opening up new credit cards is "none of your business", oh yes it is...because it affects YOU and YOUR children. I can respect that you don't want to spend all your time away from home. Good luck with your job search and I hope something comes your way. The best advice I can give you is to change the way you are dealing with her, it doesn't look like she is going to change...


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Thanks, I will put my foot down. First though I need to get back the authority to do so. I need a good paying job. If she can not see that me being a tightwad prick is for our best interest so be it. She can file for a divorce it is her choice. I am going to chose what I feel is correct.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Honestly, I'd worry less about authority and put your foot down ASAP before finances get any tighter while you're between jobs....

That would seem to be better for family finances than putting it off.


----------



## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

CrazyGuy,
Your wife is a financial terrorist causing mayhem in your life. I can relate to your situation. I think you can take this time of job-hunting to plan for what life would be like once you have found a job. 

I am not the sort to push divorce, but in cases like these, the innocent / responsible spouse can feel miserable at how life has slipped through their fingers and how they were utterly helpless. They feel trapped. You need to do separate finances and your lives.

If a spouse decides to basically live off the other person and will not learn, you have to move on. Painful and hurts the kid, but at least the kid will benefit from your prudence in the long term.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

RECHTSANWALT said:


> CrazyGuy,
> Your wife is a financial terrorist causing mayhem in your life. I can relate to your situation. I think you can take this time of job-hunting to plan for what life would be like once you have found a job.
> 
> I am not the sort to push divorce, but in cases like these, the innocent / responsible spouse can feel miserable at how life has slipped through their fingers and how they were utterly helpless. They feel trapped. You need to do separate finances and your lives.
> ...


Yes I have come to this conclusion. I am working on fixing many different problems in this marriage. This is just one. In the end it is not going to be me that caused a divorce but I might be the one that files for it. I am trying to prevent a divorce but I also need some sanity.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For 17 years you allowed this to happen. You knew she was irresponsible and yet you still handed the bills over to her?

Time to start saying 'no' and start cleaning up the mess.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> For 17 years you allowed this to happen. You knew she was irresponsible and yet you still handed the bills over to her?
> 
> Time to start saying 'no' and start cleaning up the mess.


For 17 years I have been living paycheck to paycheck. There are many reasons why. I tried to correct them has they happened. Yes, I myself had miss judged her ability.


----------



## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I know how you feel, but I wasn't married as long as you and we didn't have kids. His irresponsibilty with money was one of our big issues. I left him, filed for divorce and then bankruptcy. If you leave her it will be a lot of stress off you.

I've found in life that people will call you a "tightwad" if you are smart with money. My own mother is like that. I try to tell her the importance of saving but it doesn't compute. In the end, the neck you save will be your own. The kids will be fine. I am a child of divorce myself and I'm not sorry they split.

Do what you gotta do man.

Good luck


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

CrazyGuy, I know how you feel, I was a decade behind you but gaining on you fast! I personally am not the greatest money manager, I tend to be cheap, scrimp and save, then when I have a bunch blow it all on some high end purchase. My ex did most of the grocery shopping, all our son's clothes, but everyday she would go out and spend money on all kinds of little (stupid in my mind but that could be the resentment speaking) things. I always felt like it was a few steps forward and the same amount of steps back. When money got real tight she would go out an start looking for bargains at garage sales, classifieds etc, finding good deals on crap we didn't need. Then when I complained she would remind me that she bought the clothes on my son's back. Separating the finances seemed like it would have been a betrayal of trust to her, and I would never have wanted her to feel like I was attacking her so I just let it slide.

Over the years together our net worth has only gone down, she brought into the marriage a down payment for our first house, and I had started a career that covered the payments. When we sold and moved the market favoured us and we got so far ahead enabling us to do so much. Over the following three years of bad spending, loss of income (her job disatisfaction - as part time worker then SAHM, then self employed business owner) and the poor choices we made in the marriage we remortgaged twice, lost pretty much all the equity and are ending up divorced partially because of all of this.

The housing bubble we rode in didn't make it any easier to see how our bad choices were eroding our wealth, our future. This is all just fluffy BS to her, why plan for future money is for spending yadda yadda. To me financial security is a basic requirement before I can go just have fun. As a final hit, to settle up what remaining assets we do have (ie the house was already in my name and I am keeping it) means I have to cash out pretty much the entirety of our retirement savings (and of course pay the income taxes on it). Feels like I will be starting with a clean slate, which is better than being eyeballs in debt, but feels like this all put me atleast 10 years behind the curve.

Take it from me, separate the finances and take back control of your own financial obligations. Once you stop that huge unknown and immeasurable leak you will find budgeting has a purpose again, you will know where you money goes and will appreciate working for your income again. Your W will complain because she has less to spend on, but that is probably just entertainment for her and doing this your way will give her more in the long run anyway. Whatever discretionary money you have left at the end of the month split it equally between you. If there is none, then it is up to you alone to increase your income or downsize if you have to. You will find taking on finances all by yourself very empowering, and that will not only give you security and confidence it will also make you more attractive to her.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Question for you, is she REALLY that clueless about money or is she just irresponsible in her behavior? I ask this because if she is clueless, she can learn. If she is irresponsible, she is always going to be that way.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Question for you, is she REALLY that clueless about money or is she just irresponsible in her behavior? I ask this because if she is clueless, she can learn. If she is irresponsible, she is always going to be that way.


Wow, that just sums up every problem in our marriage. Is she clueless or irresponsible? I can not get in her head to know that. But I guess the answer does not matter. It only matters if she can change or admit the problem.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CrazyGuy said:


> Wow, that just sums up every problem in our marriage. Is she clueless or irresponsible? I can not get in her head to know that. But I guess the answer does not matter. It only matters if she can change or admit the problem.


There is a difference though. Clueless people need tools to change. They need to be taught. Irresponsible people act recklessly knowing somebody else is going to clean up their mess. BIG DIFFERENCE. 

Have you considered hiring a financial planner? You could get a great financial plan written up for under $200. They will go through all your assets and debts, what you spend, what you need to cut back on, things that you never even knew was costing you money. Also, with a professional financial plan, both of you get to see it in black and white. It is often a HUGE wake up call to couples.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> There is a difference though. Clueless people need tools to change. They need to be taught. Irresponsible people act recklessly knowing somebody else is going to clean up their mess. BIG DIFFERENCE.
> 
> Have you considered hiring a financial planner? You could get a great financial plan written up for under $200. They will go through all your assets and debts, what you spend, what you need to cut back on, things that you never even knew was costing you money. Also, with a professional financial plan, both of you get to see it in black and white. It is often a HUGE wake up call to couples.


She can not follow a plan. Plans were made before. I took over 100% of all bills and dept hers and mine. She went out and got more credit cards.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CrazyGuy said:


> She can not follow a plan. Plans were made before. I took over 100% of all bills and dept hers and mine. She went out and got more credit cards.


Yikes. Okay well is she willing to stop charging things? Would she agree to say a pre-paid credit card and when that runs out, that's it? 
Gah. I loathe people who run up debt and are reckless in their spending. It takes an enormous toll on relationships, as I know you know.


----------

