# So confused...



## impatiently changing (Aug 26, 2011)

This is all pretty strange to me...the whole forum thing...especially on such a sensitive topic. 

I've been married 6 years and together almost 10 years. In so many ways he's my best friend and in so many ways he's my worst enemy. No one can make feel better or crappier than him. 

His attitude is a constant issue. Seemingly angry a lot. Spends TOO much time in his garage leaving myself and our son to do whatever. He will give our son that special play time each day but as far as feeding, changing, etc...it can be a huge battle to get him involved. He does what he wants when he wants. MUST BE NICE RIGHT!!! I feel beyond frustrated because I feel like a single mom with a husband about 100 feet away.

Of course there is more to the story... Were both strong willed and communication can be difficult especially since any conversation thats serious he withdraws mentally and physically.

Strangely enough I believe he loves me but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life like this... 

Impatiently waiting...


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Have you considered marriage counseling? It's a start.


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## impatiently changing (Aug 26, 2011)

I forgot to mention the counseling fiasco... A few yaers ago when we were in a serious rough patch I convinced him to go. He sat their and lied and acted like everything was great to the counselor. It was silly and ridiculous. He won't "do" counseling.

He believes that everything is great and doesn't seem to get that I don't...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Impatiently, I am wondering whether your H's anger is accompanied by any other red flags. I therefore ask whether you see any strong and persistent signs that hedoes black-white thinking? That is, does he cateogrize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and then, based on an idle comment or minor infraction, recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other?

Also, are there signs that he is emotionally unstable? That is, does he flip from adoring you to disliking you in ten seconds based on something minor you say or do? I ask because I am trying to determine whether his anger is always there under the skin (being carried from childhood) and is simply being triggered by events.

Finally, does he have difficulty trusting you, as would be evident if he is very jealous?


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## impatiently changing (Aug 26, 2011)

All good questions. He can definitly go from one extreme to the other and quick! His mood can be like a rollercoaster or maybe a tornado is a better analogy. I think the anger is alway linguring near by. I don't want to end up living a life of walking on egg shells


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

impatiently changing said:


> I don't want to end up living a life of walking on egg shells.


The book _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the best selling book targeted to the spouses of people suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). When I asked you the three questions, I was hoping you would provide information casting light on whether he has some strong BPD traits. You provided little added details, however, so it is far from clear that your H is exhibiting most of the BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. 

I therefore suggest that you take a look at my discussion of them in Blacksmith's thread to see if they ring a bell. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. If most of the behaviorial traits discussed there sound familiar and you have any questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to professional articles that can. I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a man who lived with a BPDer exW for 15 years. 

Some folks start threads here to simply vent because, in writing about the problem, they immediately feel better. If that is the case with you, I cannot help you. Others start threads to simply receive validation that they are doing the right thing. They feel better immediately on hearing "Kick him to the curb -- you deserve better." If that is the case with you, I have little to offer you because there are many folks here who will give you the desired validation.

Where I and some other members may be helpful, however, is if you are looking for a better understanding of your H's behavior so that, by subtraction, you can also understand your role in what appears to be a toxic relationship. Yet, if you are seeking help in explaining his behavior, we need much more information disclosing his other behaviorial traits. That is, we need to know what other dysfunctional behavior you are seeing in addition to the verbal abuse and temper tantrums. Take care, Impatiently.


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