# Husband wants out.



## msd128 (Jan 8, 2011)

I will try to make this as short as possible. Any advice, good or bad is welcome. 

I had a PA with a co-worker that began in April of 2008. At some point DH finds out about it and I denied everything. He would beg me to admit it, that we could work through it. I had the attitude that this is somthing I would never admit. The physical aspect of the affair ended in early 2009. We continued to speak with each other until DH and I decided to get pregnant (I got preggo in March of 10) and out contact became very scarce by my choice. I never was in love with this other man and never had any intentions on leaving DH. 

During my pregnancy, DH started to become friendly with a female that he met working his PT job. I knew of her due to the three of us having the same job but at diffrent departments, but had never met her. They would have lunch/ dinner on the job together and I never thought anything of it. Then he started to want to hang with her outside of work. They would meet here and there for lunch or dinner. I became hesitant but always thought to myself, what can I say about it considering I insisted on continuing my "friendship" with my co-worker. So I would just let them do their thing. She's married and actively trying to get pregnant herself, but cannot due to fertility issues. Then their time together started to bother me and I told DH that I didn't want them hanging out as much and he pretty much said no, they were friends and he wasn't going to. Sound familar? So they continued to hang and they even went xmas shopping for me together. 

So I'm due for a c-section on 12/22/10. he and I get into a fight about her on the 19th. We really don't speak for a day and then the night before I am to go into the hospital for the c-section we get into another argument and he tells me that we he is not happy. I ask him if he loves me and he says yes. I ask him if he's in love with me and he tells me that we would discuss this matter later. Not getting anything resolved, we go to bed and to the hospital the next day.

I have our daughter and 1340 hours and by 1700 hours, this female that DH had been going out with comes to the hospital to visit. Now I don't mind this because I am friendly with her. I kinda like her as a person. She brings a ton of baby clothes as gifts, we chit chat and have a nice time. She leaves. Approximately 20 min later I bring up the, are you in love with me thing. he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it and from the look in his eyes I can tell that he is not. As our discussion progresses he tells me that he is not in love with me and that he is in love with her. I am devistated. I just had our baby like six hours earlier. he tells me that he wants out. He tells me that he has been miserable since he found out about my affair and that he begged me to break it off and I didn't and he chose to turn his cheek to it. He said that he has not had sex with her and that they have only kissed. He also said that she was going to tell her DH that she wanted a divorce. 

I expalined to him that my affair was over and that I would give 100% to save our marriage. I reminded him that we just had our second child and that what he did with her was no better that what I had done. I was and am still so appaled by that fact that he invited her to the hospital that she acted like she was my friend. 

By the next afternoon, I had told my mother and his sister who I am very close to. I also called her (Dh's EA or PA) and told her to back the eff off of my marriage, to work on her own, and never speak with him again. She told me that she was sorry that she never expected this to happen and that she was going to call him once more and she would never speak with him again. I return to my room after speaking with her and he is on the phone with her. I tell him that I will not accept him talking to her infront of me. He gets off the phone but tells her he loves her first. We get into another huge argument. He tells me again that he doens't want to be with me that he wants to be with her because that is what will make him happy. He reiterates all if the crappy things I have done to him and that he doesnt want us anymore. 

I call hismother and tell her what happened. Of course she if furious and demands that he go to her house to speak with her. He does and returns to the hospital five hours later. He tells me that he wants it to work out and will give it 100%. he agrees to counciling too. He also tells me that he will stop all contact with her, that she won't answer his calls anyways. I leave the hospital to go home the next day.

Now were home and things are very tense but manageable. I am trying to show more affection (that was one of his complaints) and remind him that I love him and want this to work. I call my PA guy and tell him to never call me again and that any contact we have will be strictly professional. About two weeks go by and things are OK. DH insists that he has not spoken with her. Our first couciling sessionis booked for 01/05/06. 

The night before out session, I wake up at 0030 hours to feed the baby and go downstairs to get diapers. DH was awake playing xbox when I went to bed. DH is nowhere to be found. The fire in the fireplace is going strong, his wallet is on the counter, lights on and his coat is hanging on the chair. I call his cell. No answer. I text. No anwser. I put my coat on and walk outside. I see her car parked four houses down the street running. I approach the car and he opens the door. I go off on her and she begins to appologize. I tell him to get out of the car and get home. He tells me no. I go off on him, tell him again to get out, he says no. She tells him to get out. He says no. he eventually gets out and we walk home. We get into the house and have a huge fight. I ask him WTF was he thinking. he tells me that he needed somone to talk to. that he is sick of talkin to his sister and mom. I told him that what he just did was inexcusable. We fight. By 0500 he tells me he wants a seperation, divorce. I tell him whatever and go to bed. I wake up two hours later and go downstairs and he's awake. He tells me that he doen't want a seperation or divorce that he will give this 100% and that he wants it to work. I say fine. We go back to bed. 

Later on that day, he calls her again she dosent answer. he texts her and tells her to never call or text him again, that he is working on his marriage. We go to c ounciling that evening. It goes OK for the first session. We have booked three more. 

He continues to tell me that he has no feelings for me. he is not in love with me and doesn't think that he could fall back in love with me. He says that he is commited to this 100%. He still kisses me and tells me he loves me (because I am the mother of his children). No sex though. Well I can't anyways for another 6 weeks. 

I know this is a really messed up situation that I created. I have owned my infidelity and the anguish that I have caused him. He is so hurt and angry. he tells me that he doesn't care who I talk or see but he is still accusing me of deleting texts, talking with my PA guy. He show no emotion and says that he keeps things nice between us to be polite. The guilt is eating me raw. I cry several times a day. Not eating due to loss of apitite. I am trying to stay positive, have a good attitude, but that is really hard when he acts like he is my room mate. I want this to work out so bad. I want to save my marraige. I am so afraid that pushed him to the point of no return. What should I do? How do I approach this properly and not screw it up even more?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Hello,

First the fact that both of you have had an affair shows there was something lacking for both of you in the marraige. You need to discover what you and he both felt your marraige lacked and go from there.

Your infedelity has caused your husband tremendous heartache. My hubby cheated and refused to tell me the truth. The fact is it wouldn't matter, what plays in mind is 100% worse than what really happened. You never admitted to the whole truth to your hubby. You denied things. Your husband has lost trust in you, lost his partner that made vows to be faithful, and he is hurt deeply.

His resentment towards you and your infedility has just continued to build. He probably used it to justify his affair,regardless of the fact that he was just as wrong as you were.

Counseling is great, but you need to sit down and be totally honest with each other. You need to tell him everything. You also need to give him passwords to your emails,phone. Show you have nothing to hide. I would suggest you read Love Busters, and His Needs,Her Needs. You read one,let him read the other and swiitch. 

You have a long way to go,and I am sorry as the timing just bites,but you can change things around if you really try. Now also, when you informed his family and your family, did you happen to mention your affair? Because it seems hardly fair to paint him as the only bad guy here. I know you just had a baby, so he is going to look even worse, but you cast the first stone. Good luck and congrats on the new baby.
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## msd128 (Jan 8, 2011)

Yes, I have told both my family and his family about my affair. I am not trying to portray him as the bad guy and I am not trying to minimize my part in the colapse of my marriage but this post would have been twice as long.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Good, you did the right thing. Also remember, right now you just had a baby. You have to eat right to take care of yourself and that baby.your hormones are also adjusting. Keep this in mind and be mindful how things come out when you are talking to hubby.

Affaicare, if you read some posts,has wonderful advice and I believe a website that cangive you even more insight. I know things are tense right now, try to keep hubby involved with family life as much as possible. Also, if you have family support, have them watch the baby and go on a dinner date with the hubby. Try to kindle things that you two did together,a favorite resturant, a special place. It will take a long time for him to trust you and for you to trust him. See if you can get him to talk to you and really listen. Why did he need to talk to the OW? Is he lonely, does he feel that with the kids arrivals, that he wasn't a priority,is there a habit, or action that you do that he dislikes? The same goes for you, what does he do that you would like to see changes. Get those books, because they will give you an excellent insight to how your husband feels and how you feel. It will also discuss Love Busters, things we do to our partners that decrease. Their love for us. Please keep us posted,there are wonderful people on here to give you great advice.
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