# to the women: Would you date this guy?



## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

OK, here's the situation. I'm asking this on behalf of my sister...she just met this guy who seems to be a really good fit, smart, fun, really nice, has a good job. I like him so far.

But here is his back story. The guy had a child at age 21 with his college girlfriend. They broke up when the kid was 2 years old, and she moved 400 miles away with the kid...but they work out visitation because they are both happen to originally be from neighboring towns and he will travel up to see him and stay night at his parent's place. He also talks with the kid everyday, who is 12 now.

About 4 years ago, the guy met someone, got married and they were divorced 2 years later. His kid did not live with him during this time either. Apparently, the girl was a total "wackjob" and because of this he didn't want to have kids with her. (smart move! I went through the same thing with my ex-wife because she was wacked too). He doesn't not pay alimony or support to his ex-wife and they do not speak anymore.

His currently situation is that he lives alone, the child does not live with him, doesn't pay child support (the mother of his child never asked for it, but he sends her checks every month anyways). The guy even brought the ex-girlfriend and his son on a few vacations this year. So he seems pretty standup.

He met my sister a couple weekends back, and she seems to be infatuated with him. She is 38 and he is 33. But I'm wondering if there are some red flags with him, and she's asked for my opinion but I haven't been to able to feel him out yet.

So ladies, are there a lot of red flags here or are we overreacting? *Is this someone YOU would date?*


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I wouldn't date him. He has made too many big mistakes that I wouldn't trust his judgement. What he says about his ex may or may not be true. 

It is good that he speaks to his child, though. Kudos for that. 

He might be an ok guy but he is also a lot younger and men mature slower. I would recommend a guy in his 40s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Yes, I would date him and continue dating him but I would not be "infatuated" with him after only 3 weeks. Even if the guy didn't have a baby momma and ex wife. The things you pointed out could be red flags but she hasn't known him long enough to really make an informed decision. I will say that him sending money to his ex without a court order is not heroic. He doesn't get any bonus points for "voluntarily" supporting his child. So take that off of the pro side of the list. Shouldn't be a weighing factor in his character. 

The biggest "red flag" I see here is him taking his child and ex on vacation. Are they playing happy-happy family during that week in all sense of the word? I don't understand why ex has to tag along. This man should prefer one-on-one time with his child. I'm sure his kid would like that too. 

My advice to your sister is to sit back and watch. She needs to get her feelings under control so she can make decisions with a clear head. Right now she is blinded by "love" (lust!) and all rational thoughts go out the window. Been there, done that and got bit in the butt because of it. 

I'd tell her to give it more time. She's lucky to have a brother to talk to!


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

thanks, any other takers?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I would not date him. The red flag for me is the ex girlfriend, mother of his child. It is obvious he is not over her if he recently went on a "family" vacation with her. Correction, more than one vacation. Like clipclop said, you don't know if he tells the truth about the ex-wife. Perhaps she saw red flags with the ex-girlfriend. Perhaps she discovered there was more going on during the visits to the hometown than just visiting the child.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I would give him a chance.

He could have insisted the child be aborted, he didn't.

He has no court awarded child support, but he pays anyway.

Time will reveal the truth about the ex-wife.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Just like in marriage - "trust but verify". I would give him a chance but would verify what he says before I became infatuated. She only knows one side and there are always two.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> I would give him a chance.
> 
> He could have insisted the child be aborted, he didn't.
> 
> ...


He may have insisted she abort and she chose not to. maybe that's why she doesn't ask for support. We don't know that to be a fact.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> His currently situation is that he lives alone, the child does not live with him, doesn't pay child support (the mother of his child never asked for it, but he sends her checks every month anyways). The guy even brought the ex-girlfriend and his son on a few vacations this year. So he seems pretty standup.
> [/B]


We all make mistakes, but this would certainly be a red flag for me. I would probably be thinking that perhaps the ex-W wasn't a wack job, but maybe a W who felt that he was a little too close to his child's mother for comfort...

Also, I don't understand the bit about not paying child support. If he's sending the ex-GF cheques every month, what are they for - if not child support?

I think your sister needs to take things very slowly with this guy.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> The biggest "red flag" I see here is him taking his child and ex on vacation. Are they playing happy-happy family during that week in all sense of the word? I don't understand why ex has to tag along. This man should prefer one-on-one time with his child. I'm sure his kid would like that too.


I was told that he started bringing the ex-girlfriend and his son on vacations after his marriage ended. Supposedly he and the ex-girlfriend remained friends after they broke up...essentially two adults "working as a team". 

She is 38, and she has had trouble finding guys in her age bracket who don't have multiple *younger* children or were in the middle of messy divorces where the ex-wife was still in the picture because of kids! 



IrishGirlVA said:


> She's lucky to have a brother to talk to!


THANKS!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sounds like an informal agreement but also sounds weird. The mother of his child was young and at that time unless her family provided a lot of support or she got a really good job she would have needed that money. 

If his ex is still in the picture I would be very wary. I didn't catch that part the first time through. Doesn't his Ex trust him with the child alone?

It probably isn't like that but the kid is12 and mom doesn't need to be there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> I was told that he started bringing the ex-girlfriend and his son on vacations after his marriage ended. Supposedly he and the ex-girlfriend remained friends after they broke up...essentially two adults "working as a team".
> 
> She is 38, and she has had trouble finding guys in her age bracket who don't have multiple *younger* children or were in the middle of messy divorces where the ex-wife was still in the picture because of kids!



It's good for exes to have a good working relationship when there are children involved, but taking vacations together when one of them is in a relationship with someone else won't work. However, perhaps he won't expect to do this if if he's in a relationship with your sister, but this is something that she needs to know before getting any more infatuated with him.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Cinema79 said:


> She is 38, and she has had trouble finding guys in her age bracket who don't have multiple *younger* children or were in the middle of messy divorces where the ex-wife was still in the picture because of kids!
> THANKS!


And that is to be expected when looking at most guys of this age bracket. I'm amazed at the # of older people that think they are going to score a hot partner their age that doesn't have an Ex, kids, or any issues. I'm sure there are a few out there but the odds only shrink with time....
To answer the question, you'd have to see how things went. 2 years isn't enough time.
Maybe in light of neither of them finding anyone, they enjoy a FWB relationship that is causing the problem....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So your sister doesn't want kids? Does she have any illusions that this mean is not really a father because his child doesn't live with him? If something happened to the mom the kid would go to the father. He still had obligations that will especially hit a peak in about 5 years when tuition comes due. Whether his Ex is the primary source of income out not, schools look at both parents income. 

Has your sister even met this kid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh, I don't have a problem with the age thing at all. I am 40 and my boyfriend is 36. He had two children by two different women. He has to travel to another country to see his youngest and while he is there he has contact with baby momma. We had many issues surrounding this and I even broke it off a couple times because of it. He had to prove he was a stand up guy by doing X, Y and Z. He did all those things. I am happy I gave him a chance to show me that the red flags I saw were not as they appeared to be. 

What you wrote about your sister's situation hit very close to home. Even down to me not wanting kids either. And I totally get the responses from others who say to ditch him. I got that from my friends too and I even made that decision with my guy a couple times. 

Like EnjoliWoman said -- trust but verify! So, so true!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she like shim and he is respectful of her, then she should date him.

I'm not sure why she is asking you because you are not the one dating him? :scratchhead:


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> So your sister doesn't want kids? Does she have any illusions that this mean is not really a father because his child doesn't live with him? If something happened to the mom the kid would go to the father. He still had obligations that will especially hit a peak in about 5 years when tuition comes due. Whether his Ex is the primary source of income out not, schools look at both parents income.
> 
> Has your sister even met this kid?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I should get my sister on here and have her answer. 

She has not met this kid.

She is not sure on the issue of having kids herself. From what I did hear, he did not interact much with his ex-girlfriend when he was dating and then married to his ex-wife. The trips with his ex-girlfriend started _after_ his divorce was finalized. I'm not sure if his ex-girlfriend is still holding a candle for him or not, but I agree it's a red flag of sorts.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> If she like shim and he is respectful of her, then she should date him.
> 
> I'm not sure why she is asking you because you are not the one dating him? :scratchhead:


She wanted me to "screen him" this past Friday night. Since we are both divorced, he and I got to talk about our separations a bit and we were able to relate on a few things. But since my sister can't stop talking him, I need some more input from women. 

My sister has been in some bad relationships, went through a broken engagement, and she's always come to me for guy advice.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> I should get my sister on here and have her answer.
> 
> She has not met this kid.
> 
> She is not sure on the issue of having kids herself. From what I did hear, he did not interact much with his ex-girlfriend when he was dating and then married to his ex-wife. The trips with his ex-girlfriend started _after_ his divorce was finalized. I'm not sure if his ex-girlfriend is still holding a candle for him or not, but I agree it's a red flag of sorts.


Too soon for your sister to meet his son, IMO. It's only been a few weeks...

Only time will tell whether or not the ex-GF is holding a candle for your sister's BF, and in her shoes I'd possibly date him but proceed with extra caution


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

No, I wouldn't date him. One of my "no's" is being with a guy who has a baby momma. To me, the fact that he couldn't work something out with the mother of his child says that he doesn't have the necessary skills to work out a permanent relationship. Furthermore, he has an ex-wife-- a second sign he will keep repeating his mistakes over and over. I have a male friend who has a baby momma and has gone through a string of girlfriends over the last couple of years. He's on another gf, but I don't have any faith this will work out. Unless someone is willing to really do the HARD and dirty work to remedy their behaviors, they aren't worth a risk.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I hate to say it Cinema, but it sounds like your sister will continue going after bad relationships because it's her behavior to do so. She should consider counseling or else it won't change.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> No, I wouldn't date him. One of my "no's" is being with a guy who has a baby momma. To me, the fact that he couldn't work something out with the mother of his child says that he doesn't have the necessary skills to work out a permanent relationship. Furthermore, he has an ex-wife-- a second sign he will keep repeating his mistakes over and over. I have a male friend who has a baby momma and has gone through a string of girlfriends over the last couple of years. He's on another gf, but I don't have any faith this will work out. Unless someone is willing to really do the HARD and dirty work to remedy their behaviors, they aren't worth a risk.


So you wouldn't date anyone divorced either? I mean that would also imply that someone doesn't have the necessary skills to work out a permanent relationship. You might be limiting yourself to quite a small pool unless you are very young.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

reesespieces said:


> Furthermore, he has an ex-wife-- a second sign he will keep repeating his mistakes over and over. .


Yeah, I take a little offense to this. All relationships end at some point, whether it's death, a cheating spouse, and crazy spouse, or just irreconcilable differences.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

C79,
Nice one looking out for your sister you have to these days, a lot of weirdos out there. 

The red flag I see here is that the mother of his child left to go 400 miles away, and took the child so why did she move so far away, what were her motives on that. Because then the dad wouldn't see the child that part doesn't make any sense unless perhaps there were some DV issues??? They were young and sometimes we are not so mature, he didn't marry her either right?

So the relationship lasted 2 years and so did the other one am I correct?

So it's good to ask questions of this guy and what are his intensions, what and where does he see himself in the future. If he was dating your sister, what if he decides to move closer to the child, would your sister be able to go or does she have obligations?

Since the child is now 12 there will be times when the father will be travelling to the same city as the mother is she going to be ok with that will she be able to trust him? Perhaps she will go with him if he asks but he may not. 

There will be graduations, birthdays and other reasons that come up where he may have to go visit.

Just some food for thought. I would also be looking at the ex to see if there is anymore information to find out, and is she really a wack job as you put it, could just be hurt etc., 

No one is perfect we all have baggage, but certainly wouldn't hurt to look more into things. I would take it slow and tell her to take off the rose colored glasses for a while. 

Peace


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

greenfern said:


> So you wouldn't date anyone divorced either? I mean that would also imply that someone doesn't have the necessary skills to work out a permanent relationship. You might be limiting yourself to quite a small pool unless you are very young.


I have a problem she put the onus of the blame on a man. And just because a man has a child with a woman doesn't mean she was trying to work it out with him, some relationship partners have low ethics and don't respect the relationship and you have to leave because it could not work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Red flags for me:
1. He calls his ex-wife psycho without giving any examples so that I can decide on my own. And he doesn't see what he could have done differently to avoid a psycho in the first place.

2. Doing visitation with the baby mamma. Big no, because that means that your sister is going to have expend energy breaking up that arrangement. And unless the baby mamma is happy_ enough_ in a relationship of her own with another guy, she's not going to go down without a fight.

I've had this problem with my now ex husband (of 10 years) and my now fiance. It's a pain in the ass to have to identify the problem, explain why it's wrong and to fashion your own ultimatum and see it through. At least, there was no child in between my partner and their ex's to become a bargaining chip in the power struggle. But I do have two friends who married divorced men with children. 

3. If this guy ever uses the guilt trip about his not having been a good father as an excuse to be less than a good partner to her, then she needs to keep looking.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Wise Fairy said:


> C79,
> Nice one looking out for your sister you have to these days, a lot of weirdos out there.
> 
> The red flag I see here is that the mother of his child left to go 400 miles away, and took the child so why did she move so far away, what were her motives on that. Because then the dad wouldn't see the child that part doesn't make any sense unless perhaps there were some DV issues??? They were young and sometimes we are not so mature, he didn't marry her either right?
> ...


Thanks! I am very very protective of my sister. She helped me immensely when I went through my divorce. Baking me cookies and calling everyday as I went through my grieving. I am returning the favor because this board helped me, and I'm sort of paying it forward.

The guy told me all about his ex-wife over a few beers. He said she was verbally abusive to him and she was depressed all the time...our stories were pretty similar actually. I wonder if this an epidemic with a lot of women in their late 20's. He was with her for a total of 4 years (dating + marriage) and he filed for divorce. He wanted to have kids with her, and they tried to have kids in the first year of marriage, but she was a mess and wasn't going to work. 

The mother of his child, he was with for 5 or 6 years (I think?) and they were college sweethearts. My sister told me he didn't even date until he met his ex-wife...like 4 years without a relationship of any kind...because he was focusing on his son. The ex-girlfriend went 400 miles away to live with her parents, because she couldn't afford to live on her own. He has lived 400 miles away from his child for 10 years now.

I don't suspect any domestic violence...hence the recent vacations with the ex-girlfriend and his son.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't date anyone that's taking his ex on vacation. Don't care what his explanation is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

greenfern said:


> So you wouldn't date anyone divorced either? I mean that would also imply that someone doesn't have the necessary skills to work out a permanent relationship. You might be limiting yourself to quite a small pool unless you are very young.


No, I wouldn't date divorced either. For one, it would bother me knowing that their marriage failed. Secondly, I wouldn't agree to marrying someone who was divorced due to my faith beliefs. Of course it would limit me to a smaller pool, but then again my thoughts and beliefs regarding dating and marriage aren't shared by the majority of the population.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would also want to know in what way his ex was a wackjob... When I eventually divorced my ex he told people I was a wackjob, too. Mind you, after 6 years in a sexless marriage, I wasn't far off it!

I'm tend to be wary of people who label their exes mentally unstable, as there are often 2 sides to the story...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Like Cosmos, I'm wary of people labeling ex's as crazy. Especially if they were in a relationship that lasted more than a year. They liked the crazy or found it attractive IMO, or else they wouldn't have been with them that long.

OP, I think she should date the guy. The only thing that has me raising an eyebrow is the 'family' vacations with the BM. If things got serious with your sister that sort of thing wouldn't be appropriate. They're just dating. Tell her to have fun, don't go wedding dress shopping or anything, just enjoy it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I wouldn't date anyone who went on vacations with an ex. I'm only friends with one of my exes, and we definitely don't hang out. Going on vacation? Nope.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The risks to your sister are

1. His son may blame her for his parents not remaining together since he and the BM are still acting like a married couple. So that important relationship is going to be a non starter.

2. I really don't this guy is going to stop taking vacations with the BM until he is asked to and that's insulting.

3, I think the BM is going to fight tooth and nail to keep her perk for even having a baby. So your sister is going to have headaches over the guilt trips ie, I can't see my son because of you and so on........


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I wouldn't date him because he has a child, relationships are difficult enough as they are, I wouldn't want to add a child(ren) and an ex-SO to the picture.
Been there, done that, didn't want to ever repeat it again.
Too many issues that are multiplied, that for me, actually made it a better choice to find a single man who didn't have a child than it was to continue to pursue a relationship with a man who did have a child.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

There's some baggage for sure but we all have skeletons and baggage.

Sounds like like he is trying to do the right thing by his son at least.... although don't see why the EX needs to be on the holiday as well...she could stay home next time!

I like to judge people for myself when I meet them and get to know them.

If he was hot, had a sense of humour and fulfilled other 'wants' I'd give him a date or two.... if i was single.

Hubby hates me dating!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

People are going to be divorced, people are going to have went through unjust situations, some people may have gotten with people who appeared good natured, but when engaged, they are literally crazy and controlling, some people have kids.

Some of the people who have went through these things are a better person for you than one who hasn't, because they have more knowledge on what makes a bad relationship, and if they do not want a bad relationship, they are likely to treat you much better due to their experience.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I spoke with my sister tonight. 

I asked her about dating a single dad and she actually likes the fact that the guy is established with his kid, since he is 12 already, and not in his formative years (when the guy did spend a lot of time with him). 

Like I mentioned earlier, she has met a lot of single divorced dads with 2 to 4-year old kids and since this has happened so long ago, the fire has died down considerably.

She also said that he comes off more mature than a lot of men she has dated because he's been through a lot and can handle a lot of stress and can navigate tough situations. She gives him big bonus points for not knocking up his ex-wife and have double the trouble (so I agreed that he was wise in that regard)

She claims that he's also successful, and has a lot of free time since the kid does not live with him so he can spend it on her (she was joking!!!) so that's why she is into him. lol.

I guess if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was dating a single mother of a 12-year old, I would I personally would be cool with the situation if A) the father was in the picture and took on the primary role as parent and took care of the expenses and B) if the kid was respectful and friendly, and didn't mind me being in the picture.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How secure is your sister with her looks? 

I am confused how he was so devoted to his kid but spends so little time with him and how his ex needed so much support but he had no formal support agreement. 

A lot of us are divorced but our stories add up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I guess if the shoe was on the other foot, and I was dating a single mother of a 12-year old, I would I personally would be cool with the situation if A) the father was in the picture and took on the primary role as parent and took care of the expenses and B) if the kid was respectful and friendly, and didn't mind me being in the picture.


This sounds completely reasonable to me.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> How secure is your sister with her looks?
> 
> I am confused how he was so devoted to his kid but spends so little time with him and how his ex needed so much support but he had no formal support agreement.
> 
> ...


In the original post, the OP says the mother moved 400 miles away. That does make visitation time a bit difficult so regular phone calls and several visits a year seem like quite a bit of effort on his part to stay involved IMO. And they never created a formal custody arrangement or support obligation - he just mails a check monthly as informal support.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> In the original post, the OP says the mother moved 400 miles away. That does make visitation time a bit difficult so regular phone calls and several visits a year seem like quite a bit of effort on his part to stay involved IMO. And they never created a formal custody arrangement or support obligation - he just mails a check monthly as informal support.


That could be dangerous as well. No court order at the moment, but when the BM sniffs the possibility of someone taking over her territory (and her free vacations) she may have a word with a lawyer herself.

I would urge the guy to get a formal court approved arrangement now.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Like Cosmos, I'm wary of people labeling ex's as crazy. Especially if they were in a relationship that lasted more than a year. They liked the crazy or found it attractive IMO, or else they wouldn't have been with them that long.


:iagree:

But, then there are also the people who call their ex crazy because they are either stuck in a victim mentality or they want people to feel sorry for them and cut them, usually a lot of, slack. 

I'm, as of tomorrow, a "psycho" ex-wife. I like to think of it as a promotion from being a "psycho" wife. My husband tells anyone who will listen how controlling I am, that I'm just such a negative person, always depressed, perpetually lazy, a bad wife, a cold fish, neurotic, unbalanced, and on and on. People feel sorry for him. Men want to buy him a drink and set him up with their sisters. Women want to make him feel better after all his hardship. Everyone just wants to support him in his struggle to overcome his marriage to such a vicious harpy. 

The thing is......he's a serial cheater. He has been using some variation of "my wife's so mean to me" as a pick up line - with apparently great success - for over 13 years. I fully expect him to continue using "my ex-wife is so mean to me" for many years to come. Why not? It gets him a lot of sympathy, and a great deal of free booze and free pvssy!

Beware of anyone who bad-mouths their ex (even, perhaps especially, over a couple friendly drinks with someone they need on their side) without being able to say exactly how they ended up with such a "crazy" person, why they stayed for so long if it was really that bad, ways in which they contributed to the dynamic, and what they have changed about themselves since the relationship ended so that they don't repeat the same mistakes.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rowan said:


> :iagree:
> 
> But, then there are also the people who call their ex crazy because they are either stuck in a victim mentality or they want people to feel sorry for them and cut them, usually a lot of, slack.


"I had a lot going on for me. I had no problem with the ladies. I guess she thought she'd find someone outside of her friends circle to use as a sucker. I was cuckholded soon after the ink on the marriage contract dried, and I was compartamentalized that my purpose was provider only. I didn't have any rights or respect within that group. It was crazy and I had no choice but to leave."



Rowan said:


> I'm, as of tomorrow, a "psycho" ex-wife. I like to think of it as a promotion from being a "psycho" wife. My husband tells anyone who will listen how controlling I am, that I'm just such a negative person, always depressed, perpetually lazy, a bad wife, a cold fish, neurotic, unbalanced, and on and on. People feel sorry for him. Men want to buy him a drink and set him up with their sisters. Women want to make him feel better after all his hardship. Everyone just wants to support him in his struggle to overcome his marriage to such a vicious harpy.


So you are bashing men who have had poor experiences. Women have been victimized in relationships, beaten, mentally abused, sexually abused, and so have men. The thing about the men is the social stigma of not being able to say anything, and in many cases it is not a single person perpetrating the abuse against the man, it can be groups. Men also get bashed for being victimized in the first place.



Rowan said:


> The thing is......he's a serial cheater. He has been using some variation of "my wife's so mean to me" as a pick up line - with apparently great success - for over 13 years. I fully expect him to continue using "my ex-wife is so mean to me" for many years to come. Why not? It gets him a lot of sympathy, and a great deal of free booze and free pvssy!


If he's been a cheater for this long, they need to accept the position he has been holding for so long. In my experience his pickup line is not a good one at all. If you have gone through an abusive situation, you better almost not say anything! 



Rowan said:


> :
> Beware of anyone who bad-mouths their ex (even, perhaps especially, over a couple friendly drinks with someone they need on their side) without being able to say exactly how they ended up with such a "crazy" person, why they stayed for so long if it was really that bad, ways in which they contributed to the dynamic, and what they have changed about themselves since the relationship ended so that they don't repeat the same mistakes.


There is a percentage of our population who is violent, crazy, narcisstic, don't believe the rules apply to them, are selfish at the 100% level, etc... So if someone has run through one of them, they can't say anything?

Yes, I am aware of the situation where the abuser paints the other as the nasty one. If this is the situation you have found yourself a part of, I would remove every person which supports this viewpoint from your life.

Kindest regards.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

treyvion said:


> "I had a lot going on for me. I had no problem with the ladies. I guess she thought she'd find someone outside of her friends circle to use as a sucker. I was cuckholded soon after the ink on the marriage contract dried, and I was compartamentalized that my purpose was provider only. I didn't have any rights or respect within that group. It was crazy and I had no choice but to leave."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sorry if my post struck a nerve with you. However, it was not directed at you, and I tried to be careful to not confine my comments to any particular gender. My personal experience of this is with my husband, who is a man. Women are capable of the same type of behavior. That's why I said to beware of "*anyone* who bad-mouths their ex". That's not man-bashing, and I'm a little unclear on why you seem to have perceived it as such. But, in any case, I apologize that what I posted seems to have been so personally offensive you to.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I'm sorry if my post struck a nerve with you. However, it was not directed at you, and I tried to be careful to not confine my comments to any particular gender. My personal experience of this is with my husband, who is a man. Women are capable of the same type of behavior. That's why I said to beware of "*anyone* who bad-mouths their ex". That's not man-bashing, and I'm a little unclear on why you seem to have perceived it as such. But, in any case, I apologize that what I posted seems to have been so personally offensive you to.


Sorry. It did strike a nerve and I didn't mean to come off as offensive. I wanted you to be aware of it happening to the opposite gender. Sorry you went through such a nasty guy.

I always say it makes everything sweeter when you find the right person who appreciates you for who you are and takes care of you.


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