# Emotionally abusive



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

My husband seems to take his anger out on everyone but who I believe he is really angry at.

There were times I was on to him cheating, and when I tried to ask him if there were problems in our marriage, he verbally attacked me. Told me nothing was going on, it was all in my head and made me believe I was the only "problem" in our marriage.

Even after finding evidence, emails in black and white, charges to a hotel that I was not at, he tried to make me believe it was all a set up to prove I snooped!

A years worth of emails.. And craigslist postings.. A set up?!

I realize he's manipulated me, and just realized this is known as gas lighting.
I think its to the point where even he believes his lies..


But the one time I won't let it happen is when its directed to our two year old daughter. Now I realize that it may not be "gas lighting" with her, but I hiss taking his anger out on her and she suffers the same thing I suffered as a child. I could never "do right" by my father.

She began having more and more accidents. My husband and I were baffled. Until one day, she called for me.

We both got up and she said, "no! I don't want daddy, I want mommy!"

When got to her, I noticed she wet herself. She had her head down and whimpered... Not a cry, a whimper. I told her she did nothing wrong, that everyone has accidents.. I cleaned her up, reassured her again.. And all seemed well. It didn't hit me why she didn't want daddy then.

Tonight, H and I got into an argument. When our daughter asked for juice, he got up, angrily got her sippy, went to her room to give it to her and said to her, "if you wet the bed again, im not cleaning it up! youre sleeping in it!"

Just a child, she doesn't know why he is mad, doesn't know not to be frightened.

I was furious. I said, "she WILL NOT sleep in urine if she has an accident! An accident! She would get a rash, and its cold, she could get sick! No wonder she was scared for you to see she had an accident! She's just a child, she's only two!"

His response, "just because I said it doesn't mean.."

I cut him off.

"you can take your anger out on who ever the hell you want to, but I'll be damned if you take it out on our little girl!"

I walked away.
He walked away.

What I do with this information?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

This is not a one time thing. I realize even the best of us get angry. But he claims I never talk to him, however when I do, he gets angry.

When he haas a problem, if I try to help, he gets angry. If I try to stay out of it, he claims I don't ever help him. If I ask for his input on what restaurant to go to, he claims I'm indecisive, if I make a decision, he seems annoyed. I don't know right from wrong anymore, I'm walking on eggshells around him, I'm trapped and there's no "right" move I can make!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I guess the incident with my daughter makes me feel like there's only one option. Get out. But I know I would expect him to change and come running after us.

I feel selfish in the sense I know that i need to protect her.. But I am so afraid of losing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

You did right in telling him that he should never take his anger out on an innocent child let alone his own daughter. I understand where you are coming from my H used to be the same way too. One thing I made sure I did was reassure my little one all the time and made sure that H didn't lash out at her anymore. I wish there was some magic phrase or words to tell your H so that his horrible behavior towards your little one would end but I don't. Whatever choice you make I hope it's the best one for you and your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

GoingNowhere said:


> I guess the incident with my daughter makes me feel like there's only one option. Get out. But I know I would expect him to change and come running after us.
> 
> I feel selfish in the sense I know that i need to protect her.. But I am so afraid of losing him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you suggested parenting classes? His behavior towards your daughter is unacceptable. I struggled some with my H getting angry and taking it out on our kids. It's toned down a lot, but our issue has a lot to do with other things in our marriage as well. 

Your H's overall anger issue is one thing, it's another when he directs it at a child. A child who is learning, a child who should feel safe in her home and around her parents. She clearly doesn't feel safe around your H, from what you've posted. A child is suppose to be a child and wetting the bed is part of being a child and learning. Your H needs to learn to pick his battles with his child, and wetting the bed or wanting another sip of cuppy before bed is NOT something to get angry about, frustrated at times, sure, but at the end of the day I can guarantee your H will wish a sip of cuppy or wetting the bed is the only thing he has to concern himself with as your child grows up.

I think you need to not back down from this and get it through his thick skull that you will not stand there and let your H talk to your child like that... Tell him to pick on someone his own size!!! I can't stand it when my H yells at my babies for something so damn trivial. And I don't stop trying to get my thoughts and feeling across when he does it and I certainly let him know it angers me. There can be tension between us during that moment, but he isn't yelling at my kids  Just my thoughts on this.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I know how your daughter feels and how you feel.
My husband yells at my 10 yr old unncessarily. It is very frustrating because even if they do not mean what they say at the moment the child doesn't know that and feels like their world is crashing down around them. 
My husband has apologized to my son afterwards but its too late. The damage is done. 
I am glad your daughter has you to lean on and feel comfortable with.
My son is 10 and he hates his dad and wants me to leave him. Don't let it get to that point with your daughter. Tell your husband just what I said and see if he wants your daughter to resent him for the rest his of his life if he keeps going on the way he is!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

You and I should probably realize the same thing...we'd probably be better off going it alone.

My kids have issues because of my husband's angry abusive tirades.

Some people truly have no hope, even if they say they'll change.


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

Go to Beverley Engel's web site. She has written some great books on emotionally abusive relationships. I have personally read the Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde Syndrome book. I can't recommend it enough. Very easy to read and it has some great action plans to put in place to help. 

It is not your fault that he is like this, read the book. it will help reinforce this and make a huge difference to the way you feel. There is hope but you have to educate yourself and make yourself strong.


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