# Depression and Endometriosis



## Djh3266 (May 7, 2018)

Hi everyone 

New to this site so forgive me if I waffle on a bit! 

My wife and I have been together for 5 years, married nearly 3. 

She unfortunately suffers from endometriosis which can lead to a lot of pain during her cycles and also painful sex - during and after. I will admit that at stages in our relationship that the lack of sex life has caused some frustration on my part, but I do understand why she doesn’t like doing it and I understand the drugs she is on lowers her libido. 

The above has led to her suffering from depression as well. I always try to be there for her and although I will never understand fully what this awful condition can do to someone, I have always been her confidant so to speak. 

Recently, she has started talking to her manager at work, who she has recently found out also suffers from depression. They now text constantly every night. This woman is also lesbian - this may seem inconsequential but I have also recently discovered that my wife likes lesbian porn - I am aware that a lot of women prefer this, so that doesn’t bother me. What is now grating at me is that could my wife become so attached to this person that she has a bigger emotional bond with her than I do? We have spoken about it and my wife has insisted she is not gay.

I welcome my wife having an outlet for her condition as she does also struggle socially so she is really happy to be meeting and chatting to her friend. I suppose what I am asking is: am i out line for feeling like she is becoming more distant from me? She texts this women each night until bed time and I feel like I am now of no use. I have also been cheated on before, so previous demons have come up to haunt me in my mind as well. 

I think writing his all down has helped me as I have seen that it is a lot of stuff to be obsessing over. 

Just wondering if anyone else has any thoughts or advice on how to stay connected with your partner while they battle their conditions? 

Thank you


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Djh3266 said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> New to this site so forgive me if I waffle on a bit!
> 
> ...


You are right to feel the way you do and your gut reactions. She has crossed and emotional boundary and it looks like the symptoms are there for at least an emotional affair.

If this relationship is taking away from yours and it appears it clearly is, it's not appropriate with respect to a marriage. Problem is and you have to deal with it and overcome is that when you confront her about this, she is going to get angry and say just friends and blame it on you and get very defensive and probably even convincing. I wanted to point out what I this is and what you may encounter but I will leave it to the Vets to proceed on how to handle it.

If it were me I would see if I could get into a little detective mode and see if there is more to it, what the messaging entails and if they are being deleted as well. Then get your ducks in a row, form a plan and confront. Please believe me that if this is an emotional affair, which it likely is, she will lie to your about anything and everything so you will have to have all of the information you need for yourself before making an ultimatum or confronting. Sorry to hear about this but you need to be strong for yourself and for the marriage, really for the both of you.

What ages are you, do you have kids?


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## Djh3266 (May 7, 2018)

Both early 30s but no kids. We did suffer a miscarriage in February and that hit us quite hard. She did get depressed understandably after that. 

I did see some messages before and there didn’t seem to be a lot in them. Just helping each other and talking about their depression and getting to know each other. However when I asked about it she was annoyed that I invaded her privacy and has now changed her passcode etc. 

I’m not really sure what to do. My past experiences make me feel like I am being paranoid now as she’s repeatedly insisted that she doesn’t want to go anywhere or be with anyone else. I’m worried that I will make a mistake and the more I push and ask about this the further I will push her away. 

It’s only happened in the last few weeks. She used to message her a lot anyway like she would her other friends, but since she’s found that common ground with her friend it’s escalated to constant texting. 

I don’t want the marriage to end, but I am not sure what direction this is all going to go.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Djh3266 said:


> Both early 30s but no kids. We did suffer a miscarriage in February and that hit us quite hard. She did get depressed understandably after that.
> 
> I did see some messages before and there didn’t seem to be a lot in them. Just helping each other and talking about their depression and getting to know each other. However when I asked about it she was annoyed that I invaded her privacy and *has now changed her passcode etc*.
> 
> ...


She pretty much threw down the gauntlet with that one. Have you told her that you feel like the time she is spending with her is taking away from your marriage. You said they work together? Think about it. They have plenty of time to talk then, they should not have to talk often after work. Think about why friends talk so much, usually it's because they don't see each other while the other is at work or they are making plans, etc. The conversations between friends that do work with each other are usually short and sweet, to the point or if there's a big thing happening and they want to discuss. This all smells really bad.

Would highly recommend counseling for the both of you together. The miscarriage must have exponentially compounded every other issue she has and that is going to be impossible for you to help her through alone. I would normally recommend individual counseling as well for her but I have seen lately how IC where marriages are strained actually ends up severing the ties of the marriage even more as the IC helps the single client follow their own 'happiness'.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Djh3266 said:


> Both early 30s but no kids. We did suffer a miscarriage in February and that hit us quite hard. She did get depressed understandably after that.
> 
> I did see some messages before and there didn’t seem to be a lot in them. Just helping each other and talking about their depression and getting to know each other. However when I asked about it she was annoyed that I invaded her privacy and has now changed her passcode etc.
> 
> ...


Unless your wife has shown gay tendencies in the past or if she was ever bi-curious then I think you can relax about the sexual aspect of their relationship.
Being gay is not contagious lol.
If her constant texting is interfering with other aspects of your life then that is a problem and you need to explain this to her.Ask her to limit her messaging to maybe one hour a day and you might also tell her the old adage “Misery loves company”.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Unless your wife has shown gay tendencies in the past or if she was ever bi-curious then I think you can relax about the sexual aspect of their relationship.
> Being gay is not contagious lol.
> If her constant texting is interfering with other aspects of your life then that is a problem and you need to explain this to her.Ask her to limit her messaging to maybe one hour a day and you might also tell her the old adage “Misery loves company”.


Well to be fair, the initial post includes her enjoyment of 'gay' porn.


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## Djh3266 (May 7, 2018)

No she hasn’t shown anything like that. The lesbian porn freaked me out at first but I have since spoken to her and other women about it and it turns out it’s quite common. 

I’m not sure if it is interfering, I think it’s the issue where we would usually sit and chat in the evenings or she would talk to me about her her day and now she’s just talking to her. We still chat but she’s constantly got one eye on the phone. She’s had issues making friends before and used to worry like anything about whether they don’t want to see her or wouldn’t organise anything in case they bail so I can sort of understand why she’s clingy like this to this person. 

I just don’t know if I’m just making a bigger deal out of it than I should. Maybe I’m just jealous of her friend who she seems to open up to.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Djh3266 said:


> However when I asked about it she was annoyed that I invaded her privacy and has now changed her passcode etc.


Hey buddy, this is typical cheater talk right here. I don't know where you are from, but you do not get "that type" of privacy in a marriage, you just done

In a marriage, you should be free to look at each other phone any time you need to. End of story. 

You think nothing is going on, maybe not. But just because your wife says she is not gay, does not mean that she is not bisexual. It happens all of the time, so that is a crap excuse explanation.

Whether your wife is getting physical with her or not, at the very least she is having an emotional affair. 

And if you don't figure out where your balls are, it will most assuredly turn into a physical affair in short order. 

Yes Endometriosis can cause some pain during sex, but it can be managed. And if you want to be intimate with your wife, which both of you should, there are other ways. 

Also, sometimes having a baby can kind of cure/fix endometriosis, not all the time but some times. It solved the problem with my ex wife. 

But right now your biggest problem is your wife's, at least, emotional affair with this woman...


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

The way OP made the orignal text sound like, I thought they were older and this marriage was a bait and switch thing...

But now, with the miscarriage (common relationship breaker) along with on the phone every night and day....Yup, she's involved with the OW. This lesbian lady is a 'chad' in female form... With her being the "supervisor" at work. She is taking over YOUR role as provider pretty quickly.

You are too young NOT to have any intimacy from your "life Partner". Endometriosis or not, she sounds checked out. Sure, she wants to keep the security blanket around. But you are now coming close to figure out that she "prefers" the attention and feelings of this OW...


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

A wife can have complete privacy when she takes care of business in the bathroom. When it comes to emails, phones or anything else - no privacy. The only reason for privacy is when she is doing something that she does not want you to see - period. I would nip that in the bud pronto. Me - if wife needs that kind of privacy - she does not need me.


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