# Advice - Feeling frustrated



## Frustrated & Concerned (Oct 7, 2014)

Let me start out by saying I love my wife but I am very frustrated and lonely in my marriage. I sincerely want our marriage of 15 years to continue but I don't know what to do at this point. We have 3 beautiful children but I am worn down to the point that I feel like I am going 'through the motions'. I wrote this letter for my wife and have yet to give it to her. Not sure how she will take the message. As you read the letter, it should paint a clearer picture of my situation. Any advice would be very appreciated.

thanks!


"I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I want is for us to be close which hasn’t been the case for many years. I remember a time when we loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company. We have drifted apart to a point that I am extremely frustrated and I don’t know if things will ever turn around. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I'm writing and try hard not to react with anger. This is hard for me but here goes. 
I want a life where we would be happy together. This is what I want but I feel that what we have is a simply a marriage of convenience and that the only thing keeping it together is the kids. I do not know if you love me or want to be with me anymore. When we do sleep together which has been more the exception than the norm over the past 8 years, we are separated as we lay there. We have no intimacy or affection. 
A marriage without love and intimacy isn’t a marriage. It is during times of intimacy that I feel that I am the most special person in the world to you. It is more than just fulfilment of pleasure. It is that moment when two people who have committed themselves to each other have the opportunity to show each other how important the other is. It is an expression of love and commitment when done with the one who means the most to you. I cannot say it any plainer than that. 
We were once different. For years we shared many moments of love and intimacy. I cannot tell you how often I look at you and yearn for a few moments of hugging you, kissing you, touching you, feeling you respond, and moving with excitement. Nothing is more special than those moments. It is those moments that I know that you love me. 
I look at other couples and I wish that we were like them. Maybe this is unfair but on the surface our friends seem happy, want to do things together as a family and also as a couple. We are not like that but wish we were. 
You probably have many reasons why you have no interest. But to me, it feels like what it comes down to is that you do not want to share yourself with me. I long to reach over and hug you and kiss you, but I don’t because I think that you will only think that I want one thing. I want you to feel that connection of love. I want you to reach for my hand, spontaneously hug and kiss me, say I love you. I want you to feel an emotional and physical connection between us. I want to spend time with you, together, just us. 
I feel that no matter how hard I try or what I do that it is not good enough. I have become quiet out of fear that what I say or do will not be right in your eyes. I am stressed, feel inadequate, have lost a lot of self respect, am confused, feel rejected, unwanted and alone. I feel that I have failed miserably as a husband and as a father. I look at myself and see many flaws. I am older and do not look like I once did and for this I am sorry. I wish that I could turn back the clock and change things to make it better between us. I cry some mornings driving to work and at night, wanting things to be better, wanting things to change, wanting to feel your love. You have no idea how hurt I am. I feel alone and don’t know what to do.
What else can I say other than you are the love of my life. You are more beautiful than the day that I first met you and you still excite me each and every day. I sometimes still get butterflies in my stomach when you walk into the room. I still love you lots and I hope you love me too.
With My Deepest Love and Concern"


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Have you tried talking to her?

If not, I would do that first before writing. 

I also would avoid using the term 'marriage of convenience' but may be that is just me.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I'm new here but have a few questions. How old are your children? Are they involved in activities that have both of you running around like chickens with your heads cut off? Do you both work? If so, what are the working hours for each of you? Do you help each other around the house? 
I'm asking all these questions because if I had seen the letter you wrote last week I would have printed it and given it to my wife. I am/was in your boat. 
My two girls are involved heavily in gymnastics and we are constantly on the go. My wife decided to start working 7-3 so she can pick the girls up from school and get them to gym on time. Myself, I am self employed so my working hours are more flexible. 
I had been feeling as you do, so a couple nights ago I finally gathered up the courage to bring the subject of "US" up. Funny thing is, she felt the same way. She acknowledged that we just don't seem to have much time together and wants to communicate things better. Even having quiet intimate time together is very hard to do. By the time we get our girls off to bed. She Is tired and goes to bed as well. I do all the cooking during the week as well as getting the girls off to school in the morning. If she is busy with some volunteering at the gym I step up and make sure the kid's lunched are made and meals are planned. 
Best thing to do is talk to her!!!! Chances are she feels the same way but doesn't know exactly how to bring it up. Once you start discussing it you'll find it is like taking the weight of the world off your back. Ask if she wants to have a weekly date night as well as a night here and there with just her friends. Step up and cover anything she would do at home so she can just unwind a bit and know she doesn't have to worry about taking care of it later. Above all... Respect her!! She will respect you for doing so.
Just my thoughts gained from my experiences.

Mike.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not a big fan of letters. What do you think would be more effective... handing her a letter and letting her read it or sitting in front of her, holding her hand and talking to her as you look into her eyes?

When you talk to her you can gauge reactions, realize when you may be pushing too much, maybe not enough. Otherwise it could just be words on a piece of paper to her.

I think if you almost memorize the letter and do it face to face it would be better. Two ways to do it... either tell her you need to talk to her and set up a quiet time away from distractions or do what I did... went on a drive and started talking when we were about 30 minutes from home. Captive audience, no distractions.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I predict that this email will NOT set you in a better light for her.
It comes off as weak and whiny. 

Look up the books “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and “Married Man’s Sex life primer”.

This letter shows all the signs of someone who nice-ed their way into a mediocre relationship that needs a little kickstart.


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

I can tell that you love your wife and that's good. There was no blame game and you didn't say anything that would cause her to get angry or defensive. I've had to write/email my hubby too bc many times I want to talk without being interrupted,I want to be heard without him thinking about his next come back, I want to say everything without forgetting anything. Nothing like having a heart to heart and when the dust is settled remember that you left something g out that needed to be addressed. If he didn't make me so nervous I probably wouldn't forget.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nix the letter. Talking is far more effective. However, the letter does convey one thing...you love your wife dearly. I would say your wife is focused on the kids and day to day grind. In as such, attention your way peters off and becomes non-existent. I was in the same kind of situation only it was reversed. My W wanted my attention but I was seemingly thinking I was doing the right things. Looked after kids, bills and such. I realized after 20 years I was screwing up that part of the marriage. The intimacy my W desired. Thankfully and God bless her she decided to see the good in me and accepted that Don Juan was not in the cards. She stayed the course and kept the faith. Eventually I figured it out(coming here) and became her Don Juan. She now feels complete. 

So, talk with your wife. She is not a mind reader. Explain to her what you had(before kids/house/bills) is missing from you life. You might find she feels the same. You HAVE to take time for just yourselves. No less than 15 hours per week. Just you and your W. This is how you reconnect. The 15 hours can add up to enjoying a 1 hour program here and there. 15 minute coffee in the morning. Dinner together on the weekend. Just five minutes before you head off of work or whatever. 

It can be tough with kids. Soccer, dance, homework...you know the drill. Since ours are older now, we can leave the house to do things together. It is wonderful. We love our kids but we also love our alone time now. We make it a point to find that alone time. If you and your W are clever enough, I'm certain you are, you two will find the way to make that 15 hours per week connections. Again, talk with your wife. The letter helped out sorting your thoughts. Now convey them verbally.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I get what people are saying about talking instead of writing. I think that it depends on your wife and who she is. How does she respond to talking? Does she interrupt, misunderstand? Does she only focus on one thing? Does she get upset and quit listening all together or walk out of the room?

Some people are able to understand better by reading. If you think your wife will hear you better this way, proceed. The letter reveals that you love her very much and you're wanting a connection.

If your wife is able to sit and talk to you face to face and listen without interrupting, then try talking to her first. If she doesn't take well to it, then introduce the letter. Tell her you already had it written out in case you weren't able to express yourself completely.


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## Frustrated & Concerned (Oct 7, 2014)

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and comments. I agree...the letter helped me organize my thoughts and that it is better to verbalize. Lives are busy, with three young kids, afterschool activities, homework, etc etc. Everyone knows the drill. I would do anything for my wife and kids and the best thing that I could do for her and our family would be to re-invigorate our verbal communication. best regards


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Frustrated & Concerned said:


> Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and comments. I agree...the letter helped me organize my thoughts and that it is better to verbalize. Lives are busy, with three young kids, afterschool activities, homework, etc etc. Everyone knows the drill. I would do anything for my wife and kids and the best thing that I could do for her and our family would be to re-invigorate our verbal communication. best regards


Make sure you 2 spend at least hour or 2 with each other, EACH AND EVERY DAY.

Make your marriage priority. Kids should be second.

PS. ALL Parents of young children struggle with above and get lost in the life. Completely normal.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Frustrated & Concerned said:


> I have become quiet out of fear that what I say or do will not be right in your eyes. I am stressed, feel inadequate, have lost a lot of self respect, am confused, feel rejected, unwanted and alone. I feel that I have failed miserably as a husband and as a father. I look at myself and see many flaws. I am older and do not look like I once did and for this I am sorry. I wish that I could turn back the clock and change things to make it better between us. I cry some mornings driving to work and at night, wanting things to be better, wanting things to change, wanting to feel your love. You have no idea how hurt I am. I feel alone and don’t know what to do.


I see opportunity for you to improve yourself here. You may be right that she no longer sees you the same way she use to. But that's up to you to fix. She's older too isn't she? Working on yourself will help your confidence and you may be able to approach this without those feelings of confusion and inadequecy.

You may already know what you have to do but not realize it yet. Talking about it with her is a good first step.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Get rid of the words "marriage of convenience" and all the crap of you putting yourself down. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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