# Starting off on the divorce journey...



## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

Last December my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce. It came as a total surprise to me and in general our relationship has been really good. She summarises it as her 'loving me, but not being in love with me'. She has also been really supportive, caring and whilst she has mentioned some specifics has summarised it as her not thinking that we're compatible any more. I'm devastated still (not helped by the Corona lockdown!) and don't know whether I should go 'cold turkey' and not see her for a while. She moved out a long time ago but we still meet up regularly and get on really well. She's clear that she doesn't want to get back together but enjoys my company. 

I really enjoy her company as well and would really miss not seeing her on a regular basis but wonder whether it might be best for me to distance for a few months to form a better relationship in the long term. Does anyone else have experience of this, especially when it is a divorce driven by 'sadness' rather than madness or badness!

Thanks
Dan


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

Mobbit123 said:


> Last December my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce. It came as a total surprise to me and in general our relationship has been really good. She summarises it as her 'loving me, but not being in love with me'. She has also been really supportive, caring and whilst she has mentioned some specifics has summarised it as her not thinking that we're compatible any more. I'm devastated still (not helped by the Corona lockdown!) and don't know whether I should go 'cold turkey' and not see her for a while. She moved out a long time ago but we still meet up regularly and get on really well. She's clear that she doesn't want to get back together but enjoys my company.
> 
> I really enjoy her company as well and would really miss not seeing her on a regular basis but wonder whether it might be best for me to distance for a few months to form a better relationship in the long term. Does anyone else have experience of this, especially when it is a divorce driven by 'sadness' rather than madness or badness!
> 
> ...


everyone has to decide what's best for them, but in the past, i have found maintaining a friendship with an ex GF that i was madly in love with was excruciating. I eventually cut it off, telling her that it was too hard for me. I missed her terribly, but could move on with my life - seeing her periodically as friends and talking on the phone was very painful for me.

Best of luck


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Far far better for you in the long run to separate properly. Its as if she doesn't want to be married to you but doesn't want to cut you free to move on. I see that as very selfish actually and it wont let your wound heal and your life to move on.
If you have no children there is no reason at all to see her or have any contact. If you do, just keep any contact minimal and maybe by text or email.

Jim Smoke has counselled thousands of divorcing and divorced people and started the divorce recovery workshops, and he says that the contact needs to be minimal if there are children, and not at all if there arent.
I do wonder if she is worried that you may move on and meet someone else? There are consequences to divorcing and one of them is that you both make separate lives. As yet she hasn't had to live that seperate life, she still has you at her beck and call.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

IMO, it sounds like you're holding out hope for reconciliation, which is understandable. But if that's the case, she will have to miss you, which you're not giving her the chance to do. Obvivously she has feelings for you, even if it's feelings of friendship at this point. If that's what you want, then cool...stay the course. But I think you want more and are scared to let go for fear of losing her completely. Again, understandable. So why not put some distance between you and her and let her think about you and see if the spark returns? Become a man of mystery....don't jump to answer her call or respond to her text. Make her wonder why you have apparently been able to go on without her so easily. She might begin to question her actions. Even if none of that happens, you have to cut the cord eventually and get on with your life if you still love her. Otherwise, like midatlanticdad said, continuing to see her will be very painful.


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## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

Thanks all for your quick and helpful comments - this is my first post and really see the value of this site. I would love to reconcile but she's quite clear that she does't want it but yes, think i need to make the plunge and stop contact to protect myself - even though i think it will be really uncomfortable for a while...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mobbit123 said:


> Thanks all for your quick and helpful comments - this is my first post and really see the value of this site. I would love to reconcile but she's quite clear that she does't want it but yes, think i need to make the plunge and stop contact to protect myself - even though I think it will be really uncomfortable for a while...


Yes it will hurt, but its like removing a plaster. Doing it quickty will hurt more in the short term, but removing it slowly will still hurt and will take far longer. Each time you see her the scab opens up again. She enjoys seeing you as a friend, but she isnt thinking of what is best for you.

I would just says something like, 'being that you wanted this marriage to end, I think it will help both of us to move on and heal if we stop contact.' She may say something like 'why, have you met someone?,' but its really not her businsess any more is it.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You don't mention if either of you have tried dating since the split. 
How are you coping with the thought that she is with someone else, but still sees you as a friend occasionally? If this point hasn't been reached yet, or talked about, how do you think this will affect you?

As soon as she is smitten with someone else, she won't be meeting up with you as often, if at all. Not all new partners are ok with such a set up. Same for you.

So, it's quite likely that this current arrangement won't last. You could well lose the contact you now have.

She seems sure that there is no chance of getting back together. And although I haven't been through this kind of split myself, I've seen it played out. 
They don't want you to think badly of them. 
They like you as a friend. 
But you/others left behind, aren't at the same place. You still have a little hope. You cling to that hope. Hoping to still have them in your life in some way.
It stops you from moving forward on your own, independently.
It's painful to watch.

There are a few that manage this, when they are both at the same stage, both moved on etc.

But you weren't expecting this. You are not at the same stage as your ex.

You ask whether you should be less available (probably yes)
But . . .what is this "better relationship in the long term" that you mention?
Do you have children together?


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## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

I haven't dated since the split (distraught + Coronavirus!) and no kids involved. I'd like to think we could have some form of friendship in the future but it seems really hard at the moment because of the open wound that people refer to here. You're right that I cling to hope and I think she wants to demonstrate how much she still cares about me and wants to keep open a friendship of sorts. Totally understand that if either of us start dating then that will change the dynamics!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mobbit123 said:


> I haven't dated since the split (distraught + Coronavirus!) and no kids involved. I'd like to think we could have some form of friendship in the future but it seems really hard at the moment because of the open wound that people refer to here. You're right that I cling to hope and I think she wants to demonstrate how much she still cares about me and wants to keep open a friendship of sorts. Totally understand that if either of us start dating then that will change the dynamics!


If she really thought about this and cared, she would allow you to heal and begin to get used to a life without her. Its not doing either of you any good the way it is. You have to stop hoping and tell her that you think its healthier to cut contact.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Yes it will hurt, but its like removing a plaster. Doing it quickty will hurt more in the short term, but removing it slowly will still hurt and will take far longer. Each time you see her the scab opens up again. She enjoys seeing you as a friend, but she isnt thinking of what is best for you.
> 
> I would just says something like, 'being that you wanted this marriage to end, I think it will help both of us to move on and heal if we stop contact.' She may say something like 'why, have you met someone?,' but its really not her businsess any more is it.


Thanks, I needed to hear that today. Dreading tonight, but need to remember it's for the best.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I


Dadto2 said:


> Thanks, I needed to hear that today. Dreading tonight, but need to remember it's for the best.


I hope it goes ok.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You were fired from the position of hubby.  Now if you were fired from your job, would you still hang around your old place of employment and just be friends with the old boss? Nah, didn't think so. 

You need to be comfortable with yourself, and that means start the 180, and look for happiness with you. When you find it, obviously without her. You will be okay to saying hi and grabbing a coffee once in awhile. But the truth is, you will probably find that your priorites are changed as well, and no longer need or want time with her.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Did I miss how long y'all have been married? Might be relevant. How long ago did she move out--'long time' ago? What are your ages?

Something--wish I knew what-- is missing when one in a marriage is 'totally surprised' when other wants divorce because of mostly incompatibility. How do you think y'all might be incompatible? 

Yet, don't hold on to friendship--there are likely more compatible friends out there and a new life if you seek it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Did I miss how long y'all have been married? Might be relevant. How long ago did she move out--'long time ago. What are your ages?
> 
> Something--wish I knew what-- is missing when one in a marriage is 'totally surprised' when other wants divorce because of mostly incompatibility. How do you think y'all might be incompatible?
> 
> Yet, don't hold on to friendship--there are likely more compatible friends out there and a new life if you seek it.


What is usually missing it the spouse the got dumped understanding that the Dumper we cheating and decided to start a new life with the other person. 

Occasionally, very occasionally, it is just that the person that wanted a divorce just wanted a divorce.


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## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

Thanks all - Some of the feedback is a bit blunt but i suppose i need to be blunt and honest with myself to move on! There's a few references to the 180 on this and other threads - where do i find out about what this means? Any pointers welcome!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

180 for Betrayed Spouses 

This is the 180.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

People that want to divorce for frivolous reasons disgust me. Do you beat her? Abuse her? No just over time she's grown bored of you, probably found someone else with the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you." line. 
If you marry someone it is a promise of commitment. You don't leave except in extreme circumstances. 
Tell her she's a ****ty person and if she wants this then you never want to see her again.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

damo7 said:


> People that want to divorce for frivolous reasons disgust me. Do you beat her? Abuse her? No just over time she's grown bored of you, probably found someone else with the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you." line.
> If you marry someone it is a promise of commitment. You don't leave except in extreme circumstances.
> Tell her she's a ****ty person and if she wants this then you never want to see her again.


At first, I thought "disgust" was too harsh. But I honestly feel the same way. The way today's culture portrays marriage as prison and divorce as freedom is disgusting. The divorce rate today is 50% for first marriages. In 10-20 years, it will probably be 75%. You can thank Hollywood/celebrities for that. As well as the continuous assault on the family and Christianity.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dadto2 said:


> At first, I thought "disgust" was too harsh. But I honestly feel the same way. The way today's culture portrays marriage as prison and divorce as freedom is disgusting. The divorce rate today is 50% for first marriages. In 10-20 years, it will probably be 75%. You can thank Hollywood/celebrities for that. As well as the continuous assault on the family and Christianity.


Actually, over that last 10 or so years the divorce rate actually went down. I can't remember the exact number but it went from about 49% to 47%, so not a huge number. 

And with less people getting married who knows what the real numbers are??? 

But when it come to cheating, sexless, abuse (cheating is also BTW) or general incompatibility... Why stay married. 

I did it, I stayed for the kids, I wanted to keep my family intact, but in the end I got out. It did not help the kids, I did not get a gold star, it was a complete waste of time. Sometimes it is TIME TO GO....

I am so much happier...


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Actually, over that last 10 or so years the divorce rate actually went down. I can't remember the exact number but it went from about 49% to 47%, so not a huge number.
> 
> And with less people getting married who knows what the real numbers are???


That's a good point...less people getting married, more people shacking up. 

I did read yesterday that separation/divorce rate since Covid has skyrocketed...up 34% from same time last year.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mobbit123 said:


> Last December my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce. It came as a total surprise to me and in general our relationship has been really good. She summarises it as her 'loving me, but not being in love with me'. She has also been really supportive, caring and whilst she has mentioned some specifics has summarised it as her not thinking that we're compatible any more. I'm devastated still (not helped by the Corona lockdown!) and don't know whether I should go 'cold turkey' and not see her for a while. She moved out a long time ago but we still meet up regularly and get on really well. She's clear that she doesn't want to get back together but enjoys my company.
> 
> I really enjoy her company as well and would really miss not seeing her on a regular basis but wonder whether it might be best for me to distance for a few months to form a better relationship in the long term. Does anyone else have experience of this, especially when it is a divorce driven by 'sadness' rather than madness or badness!
> 
> ...


@Mobbit123 How's it going, mate?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Mobbit123, one other quick item -- you say there are no kids involved. If this is the case, WHY WOULD YOU want to stay friends with her, after she pretty much kicked you out of the marriage? You definitely need to detach from her -- STOP being friends, STOP seeing her. In the future, no woman is going to want you being friends with your ex-wife when there are no kids involved.


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## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

Hey, thanks for further points. I think the challenge remains that we have a good relationship (friendship etc) but now I've cut off contact so that i can try and heal more. There's no anger, just sadness.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What makes you so sure that she had not already found someone else and that was the reason for "not being in love with you anymore"? For all you know she may already be with someone and is using you for what she does not get from the other bloke.


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## Mobbit123 (Aug 24, 2020)

Because I like believe the best in people. If that is the case I would rather proceed in blissful ignorance and to work with my ex to make our split work for both of us. Maybe I'm being too naieve.


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## Divorcing1 (May 21, 2019)

The dumper feels pain as the dumpee feels pain. The main difference is that the dumper has had lots of time to think about the breakup way before the dumpee even knew that it was coming, so the dumper was more prepared than then dumpee. So even though there is pain for the dumper, it's not nearly as horrilble as it is for the dumpee at the breakup. So, after the breakup the dumper is just glad that the action of breaking up and hurting you is over and the just want to get out of there. They hurt too. So, to ease the pain they want to be friends with the dumpee. They don't like leaving you completely (afterall, being single and maybe dating is daunting....and having a their ex in the wings is very comforting in case the dating doesn't go so well). Basically the dumber is able to have their cake and eat it too. They use the Dumpee to ease the pain. In the meantime the dumpee is duped into beleiving that maybe there's a chance to reconcile since the dumper wants to be friends, but that couldn't be further from the truth. The dumper really needs to step way back and allow the dumper to enjoy the breakup that they wanted, and allow the dumper to go through the grief that comes along with breaking up. the greif comes a few weeks after the breakup. let em have it. stay away from them, don't talk to them, don't console them, don't let them know how sad you are. just let them feel their own greif. after a while they may even miss you especially if they realize that you are strong enough to let them go ..... and strong enough to carry on and do well without them.... they just may realize that they screwed up a good thing...... just let them go and work on yourself. if the dumper told you why they brokeup with you then work on the problem and try to fix yourself so that if they come back, and you want them back, then you'll be self improved already........
Emotions are hard to control and it will be difficult, it takes will power. Keep busy, really busy, work, hobbies, friends, relatives, etc. don't talk to any common friends or her realatives or anyone friendly with her about your relationship. don't bump into her. don't communicate with facebook likes or comments on her stuff. just leave her alone. she will hate the silence from you. but isn't that what she wanted? a breakup, right? don't let her play you with the friendship stuff. just let her enjoy the breakup on her own, without you holding her hand. who knows, maybe she'll turn and get reattracted to you. she won't get reattracted to a friend though. good luck


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Mobbit123, your wife saying:


> 'loving me, but not being in love with me'


This is well known in the infidelity world, and it means that there is someone else in her life, someone she is sleeping with, an affair, seeing that your relationship has been really good!

But again you are walking the path of:


> I would rather proceed in blissful ignorance


It's hard, and it took you by total surprise, life sometimes sucks,
And yes, you are being naive! 
Bless your soul!
Stay strong buddy, and I wish you luck!


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