# Newbie - marriage is ending, guilt, confusion, addictions, advice please???



## greeneye

Hi, I am new on here and in need of advice Please......?

Been together with my husband 18 years, married 8. 
3 weeks ago I ended our marriage, 3 months ago I quit drinking. 

I feel so sad and guilty that I am the one ending what we have. We have 2 children together 9 and 11 and I have a grown up son 21 from a previous relationship.

We both have been drinkers and I now know I drank to mask how un-happy I was in the relationship. Towards the end I was on 2 bottles of wine at a sitting.

My husband works away alot (he is a fisherman on trawlers) and comes home only when the weather is bad... 
He is a very quiet man and never opens up with his feelings, needs or wants... this has been an issue for years with us.... I was the one in the relationship who made things happen, eg holidays, days out etc.. I was also responsible for the day to day running of the house and finances.

I was tired of pretending things were right when they arent.... he drinks alot and I feel he drinks to mask his issues and also to become more social. I have voiced this to him but he never answers...

Now at the moment he sleeps in my older sons room as he is away in college, we have never slept in separate rooms.. Financially we are not in a position to run two homes. And I wouldnt be able to trust him alone with the kids because of his drinking. I think he slowly self medicates every evening, starting at 4pm.

Has anyone separated but stayed living in the same house?

At the moment he is at home and although we are speaking about day to day stuff, he wont open up, I tried last night to talk to him but he again said nothing except for I dont know. I know he doesnt want the relationship to end and I know I am the one who has changed but just dont know where to go from here!

Please any advice????? I feel so alone and I live very rural in a different continent to my family!


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## PBear

Your first step is to get yourself self-sufficient. And talk to a lawyer, so you understand your rights and responsibilities. 

Sorry you're here, and good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneye

Yes a lawyer is prob my first step- very hard tho, I don't want to hurt him, 
But not sure about co-parenting in the same house....!


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## Happilymarried25

If you think you could stay in the marriage if he would stop drinking then tell him that. If he doesn't want the marriage to end he will stop drinking. He isn't going to all of a sudden start talking about his feelings because he never has. I know that makes it tough for you. It would for me. 

I would imagine it would be difficult to live with someone in that situation. If I was you I would have made other living arrangements and then tell him I was ending the marriage.


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## PBear

I don't think the co-parenting works well in most cases, unless both parties are seriously committed to it. With the alcohol involved, i doubt it will work. 

How much is he gone for? Say, over an average 30 day month? That might be your saving grace.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneye

On average I've would be home maybe 10 days a month, but it depends only on the weather. 
Maybe I only want to co parent because of the guilt I feel as I really just want out.... I don't know... 
But now I'm 100 days sober and I clearly see the relationship was based on alcohol and when I stopped there wasn't anythjng left in common!


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## neglected42

I understand your situation. I am in a similar one. I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years. I have no feelings left for my husband. I am living in the same house as him as well. I am trying to see if I can rekindle any kind of feelings for him. No luck so far. I understand why you are there. How can you leave your kids in the care of an alcoholic. The thought of them taking care of the kids is terrifying. I get that. Wish I could provide a solution. I am here for my kids. My husband has cut back on his drinking, but my feelings for him are not recovering as I had hoped. Will your husband want custody of the children? If he is away a lot maybe you could carry on for a few more years co-parenting. Like room mates I suppose. I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject of staying married for the kids, living like room mates, sharing the expenses, etc. It seems to work only if both people are in agreement and have good communication skills. (Thinking this is not your husbands strong suit). Take things slow. No need to rush into decisions. Have you thought of seeing a councilor to help you work through your feelings?


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## Flying_Dutchman

Greeneye - There's a very real possibility that it's your husband who really needs the help but will be stubborn about or outright refuse to get any.

If he's been a reluctant talker and drinker for a long time you might want to consider the following.


You don't need me to tell you that trawler fishing is both a dangerous profession and a macho male culture. I doubt, though, that you've equated the similarities between his daily experiences and those of serving soldiers. 

- Port/base

- Fishing expedition/IED patrol

- A storm/incoming rounds.

- High loss percentage of friends and colleagues compared to regular citizens.


Like some soldiers, he might have trouble dealing with the relative tedium of life on land - craving the adrenaline of the front/the sea,, and the 'camaraderie.' They don't describe their experiences to land dwellers cuz "they won't understand."

It's not necessarily a PTSD, but it could be. Certainly there will be elements of one.

Then, the culture promotes notions that "Real men have a couple of pints and get over it" and any kind of therapy/counselling is for women and "poofs in suits." 

That's a whole lot to try and penetrate if you hope to have any effective communication with him.

Certainly, he could just be a quiet bloke who likes a drink,, but if he's been quiet since forever and drinks to excess I'm sure there's some underlying cause.


Either way, if he ain't talking you either have your work cut out or conclude that he won't change so you can only keep working on yourself.


Congrats on getting off the drink. A mind deprived of a depressant can get hyper. That you've chosen to inflict all this divorce angst on it likely makes a bottle of wine a tempting prospect,, but that 'hyper' will help you focus on your game plan. If you haven't cracked in 100 days, it should be getting easier if you can keep from getting overwhelmed.

I can't advise you beyond suggesting you set long term plans (stay/leave/employment) and short term/daily goals (legal appointments/bank accounts).

Up to you if you want to suggest therapy to hubby but don't spend too much time (and emotion) on him. There's no communicating with somebody who won't engage. If he won't, just focus on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneye

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Greeneye - There's a very real possibility that it's your husband who really needs the help but will be stubborn about or outright refuse to get any.
> 
> If he's been a reluctant talker and drinker for a long time you might want to consider the following.
> 
> 
> You don't need me to tell you that trawler fishing is both a dangerous profession and a macho male culture. I doubt, though, that you've equated the similarities between his daily experiences and those of serving soldiers.
> 
> - Port/base
> 
> - Fishing expedition/IED patrol
> 
> - A storm/incoming rounds.
> 
> - High loss percentage of friends and colleagues compared to regular citizens.
> 
> 
> Like some soldiers, he might have trouble dealing with the relative tedium of life on land - craving the adrenaline of the front/the sea,, and the 'camaraderie.' They don't describe their experiences to land dwellers cuz "they won't understand."
> 
> It's not necessarily a PTSD, but it could be. Certainly there will be elements of one.
> 
> Then, the culture promotes notions that "Real men have a couple of pints and get over it" and any kind of therapy/counselling is for women and "poofs in suits."
> 
> That's a whole lot to try and penetrate if you hope to have any effective communication with him.
> 
> Certainly, he could just be a quiet bloke who likes a drink,, but if he's been quiet since forever and drinks to excess I'm sure there's some underlying cause.
> 
> 
> Either way, if he ain't talking you either have your work cut out or conclude that he won't change so you can only keep working on yourself.
> 
> 
> Congrats on getting off the drink. A mind deprived of a depressant can get hyper. That you've chosen to inflict all this divorce angst on it likely makes a bottle of wine a tempting prospect,, but that 'hyper' will help you focus on your game plan. If you haven't cracked in 100 days, it should be getting easier if you can keep from getting overwhelmed.
> 
> I can't advise you beyond suggesting you set long term plans (stay/leave/employment) and short term/daily goals (legal appointments/bank accounts).
> 
> Up to you if you want to suggest therapy to hubby but don't spend too much time (and emotion) on him. There's no communicating with somebody who won't engage. If he won't, just focus on you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thanks Dutchman the comparisons you make are very realistic... I try to understand the total differences of life he has from work to home and once my drinking goggles came off the reality of the situation became so clear.

Interesting point you make about the hyperness of my head due to the absent drink.. and certainly explains why I find it hard to switch off, I teach fitness classes now and I certainly give my girls a workout!! 

I think the guilt of breaking the unit we had is the worst although on the other hand because he is not at home 80% of the time I did/do feel like a single parent all the time - and a lonely one at that. 

You are right i need to focus on me, and the stopping the alcohol was major - so glad that i made that choice at this time of my life. I do think if I didnt drink I would have ended the relationship sooner, just didnt have the courage.

Thanks dutchman!


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