# Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv



## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

I apologize for the length of this post but I want to put as many details here because I really need help.

Have been married 9 yrs. W and I are both alcoholics, I am many years sober. We met 12y ago at a sober camping trip, dated, moved in and married. We agreed that it would be a sober relationship. I come from an abusive alcoholic home and I do not like drunk/drugged people in fact I have a visceral aversion to it. All was groovy for the first 3-4 years...

We moved to a different area due to my job and have 2 kids who are 5 and 8. Around 2010 my wife started drinking, and lying about it. I asked her to go back to AA which she did. She would put 5 or 6 months together and then I would catch her drunk again and she would deny. This happened several times. I also began going back to meetings @ her behest as she felt it could help me understand her better. She got heavily involved in AA, but still continued the sporadic drinking, and lying until confronted with hard evidence. I came to find out from a guy in her group that she had taken a 2-year coin, when she didn't even have 6 months to rub together. In addition, she had developed what i considered an inappropriate friendship ( I call it an EA, she denies) with another cat from her group. All of this took place around the same time, 3 years ago or so. I had threatened to leave a few times, once when I caught her driving drunk w/kids. 

I told her I would not leave her b/c of drinking, but I cannot put up with the lying. I had a dark night of the soul about 2 years ago and I went into what I can only describe a jealous insanity, searched the entire house for evidence of infidelity as well as her computer and would try to see her phone often. I even read her AA 4th step inventory a big no-no but I was out of my mind. I did not find evidence of cheating but found many pills squirreled away in an old purse. I confronted her with all of this and of course she turned it around on me, how I violated her trust and safe space, I was controlling etc. I demanded NC with the AA guy which she said was unreasonable, so I backed off and let her talk to him which she immediately did (I monitored the cell phone bills) to the point that I said enough, no more contact with him. I also confronted him, and he said that he thought of her as a sister and had not romantic feelings for her. I talked to many other people who know both of them and they all said no way he would not do that and they never suspected anything btw them. I agreed to stop spying which I kept my word on for almost 1 year.

We were going to our (3rd) MC and I thought things were getting better. In July I congratulated her on a year of sobriety. I recently looked back at our texts from the summer and there was a lot of positivity, she saying she thinks we are in a good place, etc. We were set to go on vacation in August and I noticed her acting squirrely so I looked at her texts and there was one to this guy from the program "B" and she was asking him for Xanax (she had stopped taking it at my rq.) I didn't say anything so as to not ruin the vacation. The night before vacation I came upstairs 1230AM and she was gone, not outside smoking just simply gone. I text where u @ and she says down the street at "B"'s house he had a fight with his old lady and needs somebody to talk to. I says come home right now which she did. I told her that I saw the text about the Xanax and she denied it. She did admit to using cocaine for about a week in April, which was widely known among her AA friends but not to me. I asked why did you never tell me, I came and gave you flower and big congrats last month on a year clean/sober and you were lying AGAIN. We had a big fight and I was up until 3AM couldnt sleep.

Wake up 9:30 and she and the kids, and a lot of their stuff, is gone. call her, WTF? Says we are going on vacation. I says didn't you forget something? She said you told me the marriage was over so I go w/o you. I don't remember saying that but it is possible. Told her I didn't mean it. She says she needs a break from me, wants me to move out for 30d. I say no way. She said ok then I am moving to my parents. She never returned home from the vacation.

Here it is 7 months later and I cannot get straight answers from her. I have asked her to come home many times. She is not ready. We have done family events/Christmas together which is nice but I sense a kind of distance/coldness in her. She keeps saying how much she loves me but can't live together right now. Says things like she has spent so much time being a wife/mom that she lost herself; she has done so much for others that she has to take care of herself and find herself, find who she really is (isn't this what your 20s were for??)

Last month she invited me to come spend the weekend (in-laws in FL for winter). I go up there after work Friday and she is passed out, loaded to the gills, kids say oh mommy taking a nap. She got up for dinner, wound up having sex which I actually feel guilty about, and the next day I confronted her. She lied about it again until I told her I had found the booze. (it was hard liquor this time, she was normally a wino). She admitted it and I said you have to decide what you want. She basically said that she drank due to the stress of me coming and that she thinks that if she can't stay sober with me around then the relationship is not healthy, and we should call it quits. I agreed. I left that night with a heavy heart. I went home and packed up some of her stuff, mostly her family pictures etc and bagged it up as we were to meet at my mother's the next day for her birthday party. 

She shows up at the party and I hand her the bag of stuff, and she asks why you giving me this? I says I cant look at this stuff anymore and you should have it. She says what are you talking about I need time. Me: we just agreed yesterday the marriage is over... She: I didn't mean it, I need time to think about things. I said ok (I don't want divorce).

She has been going to IC and we are scheduled to go together to the same therapist on the 28th where she is apparently planning to give me a list of conditions/requirements in order to get back together. She told me one of these is that I must accept that she is an alcoholic and will have relapses. I'm not sure if I can accept this, and I think she is setting herself (and me) up for the next drink. 

I fluctuate between giving in on my positiion re: the drinking in order to save the family, or just calling it quits. My daughter told me last weekend she would rather live with me than mommy. I want my kids to have mommy and daddy together but I don't know if it is possible.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Time to get your legal representative/attorney involved!

He can find a remedy to get your kids back!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ronald Lane said:


> I apologize for the length of this post but I want to put as many details here because I really need help.
> 
> Have been married 9 yrs. W and I are both alcoholics, I am many years sober. We met 12y ago at a sober camping trip, dated, moved in and married. We agreed that it would be a sober relationship. I come from an abusive alcoholic home and I do not like drunk/drugged people in fact I have a visceral aversion to it. All was groovy for the first 3-4 years...
> 
> ...


You can't fix her or make her do anything but she has no right to take your kids from you. 

File for divorce. She'll either fix herself and come along or she won't. You can stop it or slow it down if she changes her way.

Doing what you're doing which has been nothing won't get you much. As you've seen.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum, sorrry for the reasons you found yourself here.

I have zero experience with substance abuse, so I can't comment on that portion, but others will be along to help you soon. There is also a board that deals with addictions, and you may find some help on there also.

As much as I always want families to stay together if possible, both marriage mates have to want to be in the marriage. Due to addiction and other factors, it sounds like your wife doesn't really want to, or perhaps is incapable of doing so.

You really have to think about your children's safety. If she has been known to drive drunk with them in a car, and be passed out on drugs and/or booze while she is supposed to be parenting, you have problems with hair on them! Imagine if one or all of your children were hurt or killed during one of her binges. You would never get over that.

IMO you need to immediately file for divorce, and get full custody. I hope your situation improves and your family can remain as undamaged as possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When your wife left, she took your children with her. You could have stopped her from taking your children. She does not sound like someone who should have primary custody of the children.

Right now you have 100% legal right to go get your children and bring them back to the family home. Go see a lawyer and get it set up so that you get your children and then file in your state for your to have primary custody. That way she cannot make unilateral decisions to just run off and take the children out of their family home.

I know you are having problems with your wife. But she's a adult making bad choices. Your focus really needs to be no your children first. The rely on you to keep them safe. They cannot make their own choices.

You can prove her drug use by asking the court to order her to take a drug test. And that the court not allow her unsupervised visitation until she does pass drugs tests.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

You cannot change or fix her. She has to do that herself. You know that from AA, right?

The best thing you can do for her is to not enable her further by sticking around while she "decides what she wants". What she is doing is NOT okay. She is seriously risking the lives of your children! She should absolutely NOT have custody. The first time you found her driving them around while she was drunk should have been the LAST time she was ever left alone with then, unless you were sure she was sober long-term. And she definitely wasn't!

Just wow. This is such a scary and sad situation.

You need to say, This stops here. This is NOT what I signed up for. You are risking the lives of our children and I will not allow it. 

You need to tell her you are leaving the marriage, and then proceed to do it. Perhaps that will be rock-bottom enough for her to wake up. Perhaps it won't. But it's your only chance, and it's what you absolutely HAVE to do to protect your kids.


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

Thank you all for the responses, they are hard truths that I have perhaps been hiding from, well today I am going to call a divorce/mediation lawyer, I have had it and I will explain why.

I had asked my wife to come with the kids for the weekend so we could spend family time together. She said she is not ready for that and needs "another week". Wednesday she told me her sponsor asked her to go on a retreat this weekend. I said what kind of retreat, where, etc? She doesnt have details yet. Thursday she said she has decided to go on retreat, and her sponsor is driving her, she will pick W up tomorrow at 3, can I come get the kids. I says thats great, what kind of retreat, and where is it? W: I didn't ask the details it's a Chopra spiritual retreat, somewhere in North (State).

Now I am suspicious, so I look at the last 90 days of phone bills, something I had promised not to do, and that I actually held to promise for almost 1 year. I find many, many texts btw her and an ex-boyfriend of hers, a guy I know, who was at our wedding, and who she has maintained a friendship with, which I had not problem with when we were together and he was 80 miles away. Nice guy, single, musician, motorcycle, etc, living the dream. Well these texts were many (500+/month) and at late hours, including some 2-3 AM. This is not good, and now I dont believe that she is planning to go on any spiritual retreat.

So last night W txt: will you pick up the kids? Me: Yes, and I would also like to meet your sponsor, if you don't mind.

W: Someday you will

I: Tomorrow no good?

W: Idk? I'll see what her plans are. It's not like I have never asked to meet your sponsor. It's called trust!

I: Oh I thought you said her plans were to pick you up at 3? Sry if I misunderstood.

W: (12 minutes later) I don't think you misunderstood but this is what proves you don't trust me. You may never and for that I take sole responsibility. I have never asked to meet with your sponsor because I have always trusted you.
[many lines of blah blah you never trusted me, all I have done is support you etc] Thank you for your support but I'll bow out of the retreat. It was a special opportunity.

I: Why?

W: Because I'm not willing to be treated like this anymore.

I: Why are you cancelling retreat?

W: Not willing to deal with this. Maybe next weekend.

W: This is exactly the problem!

This morning W: Happy St. Patric's day! The kids and I have stuff do to this weekend so I'll just stay with them. Have a good weekend.

I: k

W: [cute pics of kids with their green outfits] have a good day

I: ty for pics

So, clearly, she had some kind of plans for the weekend other than spirituality. If it was just drinking I don't think there would be reason to cook up a story about going away on retreat. There has been too much lying and deception, and at this point I don't even care if she cheated, or at least I don't care to try to find out because I can't take any more. I was going to try 180 but I think it has moved beyond that. I am calling the mediation/div attorney right now. She had already told me I could buy out her share of the house , we'll see if she sticks to that. I want to try the mediation route to save $ and to keep it friendly as possible. I still love her. I will let you know what happens. Thanks so much for your thoughts. This is killing me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You're a doormat. Why do you feel bad to check on your wife's phone bill? I honestly don't get why you care, you should have filed divorce papers months ago. Do you not think you can do better than a lying drunk that does cocaine and other drugs? How did you let her have the kids? I don't know how you sleep at night. You should be going to war, blowing up her little world. Do you support her financially? 

Get a bulldog attorney that will make her life miserable. You'll need $5k for the retainer and be able to pay the invoices each month. 

Keep posting here, we'll keep you going on the right track. Divorce is not the end of the world. It's a new beginning, a re-do. Start now. Time will fly and in a year, you'll be in a much better place.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP The only way to deal with a woman like your wife is to file for divorce... also I know you love her but she's not a good woman she's a very broken woman and OP you seem like you are a good guy... there's a woman out there that is gonna love you for who you are. you deserve that kind of love... this woman is definitely dealing with some mental issues. Not even AA is capable of finding a solution for her problems. She incapable of being honest with her self. Most likely she needs to seen by psychiatrist that could prescribe psychiatric medication... there's a good chance she'll be diagnosed as BPD (borderline personality disorder) from what I understand there's really no treatment. The best thing for you is to file for divorce ASAP. Also you need to be strong for your kids because they are going to need you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ronald it sounds like you have to stop this cat and mouse game, its been going on to long and yes you don't trust her because she has given you every reason not to trust her...at this point your Marriage is a joke, and she is playing you...file and keep records of everything, at this point your responsible for those kids well being, not for her, she is not willing to move forward with this marriage, and she keep blame shifting you. and by the way expose expose expose....and get every little detail you can because she will fight you tooth and nail once she gets served.


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

Called W told her things didn't add up and it is now her last chance to come clean with everything. Says she was going on retreat, I have no right to ask to meet her sponsor and she did not want to give that to me because I should just trust her. Didn't say I looked at phone bill but asked about relationship with the dude. She says the guy is just her dear friend of 20 years nothing is going on. Final answer? Yes. Ok I'm done, I cannot live like this anymore. Will you go to mediator?

She agreed to go to mediator. Then texts back and says let me look into mediators. I says I already have one, we go together or I file on my own, your choice. I Said I am trying to make it as friendly and inexpensive as possible for us and the kids, I do not want to waste 1000s of $. No response yet. I will make the appointment next week, we will see if she attends. At this point I think I have just enough money to buy her out, pay off most of the house, and still be able to afford to live in it with the child support etc. Cant afford 20k + for legal bills, she has over 100k inheritance $ that she "wisely" kept separate from me. Custody of the kids is a long shot, in this state the mother basically has to be caught/arrested multiple times DWI etc for the father to get custody. I have no evidence, no proofs of anything as far as her drinking/drugs. I am hoping that the mediation goes smoothly. She has never been a greedy/materialistic person. Thank you again for support and insight.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If she fails to give you a fair divorce, then you have your attorney request a court ordered random drug test. One failed drug test, you'll have 100% custody. 

Worst case scenario, you'll get 50/50 custody. Don't settle for less.

Hit the gym 5x a week. Lift weights. Eat and drink healthy. Start casual dating when you feel like it, it will boost your self confidence and distract you from the divorce process. Don't get serious and make sure you let them know. Plenty of girls out there looking to get laid and nothing more. It's like being in high school/college all over again, but better.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Obviously she is and always has been unstable. Taking her back would mean that you would have to devote lots of time taking more BS from her, wondering whether she's other affairs and bailing her out of trouble. Not the best role model for the kids. I would divorce her and bring all the evidence about her alcoholism to the court, particularly the time when she was driving drunk with the kids in the car and go for full custody. She's danger to both you and your kids.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP you need to think more about what you can use as evidence of her alcoholism and drug abuse. Your children do not need to be around this terrible behavior. You don't want to take the risk of them adopting her addictive tendencies and mimicking her use of alcohol/drugs as a coping mechanism. 

And you already said your daughter indicated she would rather be with you. Protect them man! She's only going to get worse as the divorce progresses. They're not going to enjoy having to go over to her house and they might resent you for not fighting harder to limit their court-ordered time with her.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I think you seems to be missing the big picture in all of this. It's not about when your wife will come home, or if she cheated with an ex boyfriend or a random man she met at AA or about the texts she has been sending to an exboyfriend all hours of the night. 

What this is all about is that your children are in the primary custody of an alcoholic, who has admitted to doing cocaine and has or is on xanax.

When are you going to start worrying about the damage being done to your children, and stop worrying about a cheating, alcoholic, drug using woman who has left you and moved out. Take custody of your kids again, and write this woman off. I fear she may need a large wake up call to bring her back on the path she should be on. Maybe the wake up call of losing her husband and her children will work but until she cleans her act up, you need to put your children's safety first. 

I hope this all works out for you, I grew up with an alcoholic and let me tell you the damage it has inflicted on me has created problems for me in my teenage years and adult years. I'm sure you have had similar problem given your upbringing with alcoholic parents. Don't repeat this cycle, break it for your kids sake.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

make sure that her $100k is put down as martial assets


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ronald Lane,

Does your wife still live in the same state where you live? 

How far does she live from you?


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

thanks. she is in the same state, about 80 miles away.


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

I'm following the 180 plan. Today I went back to the gym, went and bought new guitar strings and found a music store right near my house which also has a cafe where they have live music and open mic nights. The guy who runs it is really cool i wound up talking to him for about an hour. Tonight I am going to a meeting and will go the gym and another meeting tomorrow. I realize I have been isolating pretty much for the last 7 months and I am not healthy.

Other than that, this is very heavy. I alternate between wanting to tell my wife how much a scumbag she is for destroying our family, and then I want to apologize for all the wrongs I have done, not being attentive, not helping out around the house as much, play too much video games etc. I was going through stuff and found some notes and letters my wife had written pointing out things she wanted me to do more of, things she had told me over the past few years that I kind of brushed off, did 1/2 assed or did for a while then stopped. I realize in many ways I took my W for granted and I feel very guilty and sad. I am trying to keep it together and I keep reading the 180 list over and over and so far have not contact W today. I might text tonight just to ask about the kids. I feel like my life is over and I feel so bad for the kids, I have been crying a lot today.

I have been reading a lot of other threads and one guy who was cheated on/lied to said for him there could never be R, because he would always be suspicious and could not live like that and that also it would not be fair to his W. That is where I think I am at. After all that has happened I don't think I will ever be able to fully R. I think my marriage is over no matter what happens w/180 and I'm trying to come to terms with it. Thaks for all your support.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ronald Lane said:


> Thank you all for the responses, they are hard truths that I have perhaps been hiding from, well today I am going to call a divorce/mediation lawyer, I have had it and I will explain why.
> 
> I had asked my wife to come with the kids for the weekend so we could spend family time together. She said she is not ready for that and needs "another week". Wednesday she told me her sponsor asked her to go on a retreat this weekend. I said what kind of retreat, where, etc? She doesnt have details yet. Thursday she said she has decided to go on retreat, and her sponsor is driving her, she will pick W up tomorrow at 3, can I come get the kids. I says thats great, what kind of retreat, and where is it? W: I didn't ask the details it's a Chopra spiritual retreat, somewhere in North (State).
> 
> ...


You really need to wake up to where you are because if you don't you're going to get more of the same. Your life is what you are going to make it. No one is going to fix this except you. Get yourself out of the infidelity. You have nothing left here except some false memories you've conjured up in your own mind that hold you where you are.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ronald Lane said:


> I'm following the 180 plan. Today I went back to the gym, went and bought new guitar strings and found a music store right near my house which also has a cafe where they have live music and open mic nights. The guy who runs it is really cool i wound up talking to him for about an hour. Tonight I am going to a meeting and will go the gym and another meeting tomorrow. I realize I have been isolating pretty much for the last 7 months and I am not healthy.
> 
> Other than that, this is very heavy. * I alternate between wanting to tell my wife how much a scumbag she is for destroying our family, and then I want to apologize for all the wrongs I have done, not being attentive, not helping out around the house as much, play too much video games etc.* I was going through stuff and found some notes and letters my wife had written pointing out things she wanted me to do more of, things she had told me over the past few years that I kind of brushed off, did 1/2 assed or did for a while then stopped. I realize in many ways I took my W for granted and I feel very guilty and sad. I am trying to keep it together and I keep reading the 180 list over and over and so far have not contact W today. I might text tonight just to ask about the kids. I feel like my life is over and I feel so bad for the kids, I have been crying a lot today.
> 
> I have been reading a lot of other threads and one guy who was cheated on/lied to said for him there could never be R, because he would always be suspicious and could not live like that and that also it would not be fair to his W. That is where I think I am at. After all that has happened I don't think I will ever be able to fully R. I think my marriage is over no matter what happens w/180 and I'm trying to come to terms with it. Thaks for all your support.


No one is perfect. Your wife isn't perfect is she? Did you become a drunk or go out and get a girlfriend because of it?

Better wake up


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ronald Lane said:


> I'm following the 180 plan. Today I went back to the gym, went and bought new guitar strings and found a music store right near my house which also has a cafe where they have live music and open mic nights. The guy who runs it is really cool i wound up talking to him for about an hour. Tonight I am going to a meeting and will go the gym and another meeting tomorrow. I realize I have been isolating pretty much for the last 7 months and I am not healthy.
> 
> Other than that, this is very heavy. I alternate between wanting to tell my wife how much a scumbag she is for destroying our family, and then I want to apologize for all the wrongs I have done, not being attentive, not helping out around the house as much, play too much video games etc. I was going through stuff and found some notes and letters my wife had written pointing out things she wanted me to do more of, things she had told me over the past few years that I kind of brushed off, did 1/2 assed or did for a while then stopped. I realize in many ways I took my W for granted and I feel very guilty and sad. I am trying to keep it together and I keep reading the 180 list over and over and so far have not contact W today. I might text tonight just to ask about the kids. I feel like my life is over and I feel so bad for the kids, I have been crying a lot today.
> 
> I have been reading a lot of other threads and one guy who was cheated on/lied to said for him there could never be R, because he would always be suspicious and could not live like that and that also it would not be fair to his W. That is where I think I am at. After all that has happened I don't think I will ever be able to fully R. *I think my marriage is over no matter what happens w/180 *and I'm trying to come to terms with it. Thaks for all your support.


I'm not sure what you think the goal of the 180 is. It's not to get anything to happen. The purpose of the 180 is to protect yourself emotionally so that you can pull away from your wife and heal. You will fall out of love with her and this will get a lot easier.

There are extenuating issues in your situation. Her alcohol and drug use are a huge problem. Sadly your children are stuck with her as their mother. 

What are you going to do to protect your children?

If you want to know how the children are doing, why not call the children and not her? Or if you have to call her, just tell her that you want to talk to the children. Is there a computer in that home? Have your kids set up so you can skype them every day or so.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> I think you seems to be missing the big picture in all of this. It's not about when your wife will come home, or if she cheated with an ex boyfriend or a random man she met at AA or about the texts she has been sending to an exboyfriend all hours of the night.
> 
> What this is all about is that your children are in the primary custody of an alcoholic, who has admitted to doing cocaine and has or is on xanax.
> 
> ...


I so agree with this. Write down everything that has happened with the drink and drugs and the drunk driving etc. The children will be far far better off with you as their main carer and from what you have said I cant see who would disagree.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You should have put in an emergency custody order in your state, you still can. The 180 is not important right now, your kids are, go file an emergency custody order. Oh and the longer you wait, the easier it is for her to file something wherever she is at. Trust me, courts do not like stepping on each others toes, regardless of a marriage or not. You do NOT want to be fighting her in two different courts.


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

Believe me I have awoken. Clarity has been attained. Marriage is over. I am going to ask for full custody at the mediation. Lawyer/mediator said call him Monday which I will do and get an appointment ASAP. W has agreed to go. This is a no-fault divorce state so even if I was to prove adultery it would not matter to the proceedings. I will do no further spying, as directed by the 180 and for my own sanity.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good luck man. I hope you get full custody of the kids. They deserve better and do do you.

Stay strong it's the only way you'll get through this. A HARD 180 is your best friend at this time. Get family, friends for support. They've probably already seen what you have woken up to.

A better life awaits you on the other side.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

As a fellow AA member the alcohol and drugs is a huge issue...If she drives drunk or pills drugs etc....call the cops...for the sake of the kids...remember the steps...

Wish you the best...alcohol is evil...its ruined a lot of relationships...I crawled into the bottle but I was able to get out...not going back...make sure you stay strong...its tough...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ronald Lane said:


> Believe me I have awoken. Clarity has been attained. Marriage is over. I am going to ask for full custody at the mediation. Lawyer/mediator said call him Monday which I will do and get an appointment ASAP. W has agreed to go. This is a no-fault divorce state so even if I was to prove adultery it would not matter to the proceedings. I will do no further spying, as directed by the 180 and for my own sanity.


You can do the 180 and look out for your children. It’s a bit tricky because you will have to talk to your stbx about your children. But keep the talking to topic of business related to the children. 

What I did was to say that I would only communicate about our son via email. (It was before we all used text all the time). So you could say via email and text. That way you can read it and decide what part of the text/email you want to reply to, if you want to reply at all, or if you want to take hours or days to reply. This prevents getting into pissy discussions. And it gives you a record that you can take to court if you need to.

Asking for 100% custody in mediation is not going to work unless your stbx agrees with that. In mediation you both of the agree with the outcome. You might be able to agree on a lot of things. But might need to go to out over child custody.


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

Spoke to lawyer/mediator and made appointment for wednesday 1400 EST. He said if W doesn't agree to mediation I can retain him as lawyer. W agreed to go. Then she text me a few minutes ago says she doesn't think Wednesday is going to work. Wants to talk on Wednesday about making a mutual agreeing day and time. "in the future please consult with me before making appointments that require me there"

My response text: "I told you that I do not want to waste thousands of dollars that we and our kids will need, but if you are not there Wednesday at 1400 then I will file immediately"

W: That's a threat

I: See you Wednesday

That was about 10 minutes ago and no response. I must admit I was hoping for some different response from her like trying to reason, ask why, etc.... I guess this makes it easier though. This hurts but I am proceeding with plan. Does anybody have any feedback? Am I being too inflexible/harsh?

Also, should I tell her that the kids told me they would rather live with me than with her?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

no do not tell her what they kids have said, you do not want her trying to guilt them or try to bribe them for now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ronald Lane said:


> Spoke to lawyer/mediator and made appointment for wednesday 1400 EST. He said if W doesn't agree to mediation I can retain him as lawyer. W agreed to go. Then she text me a few minutes ago says she doesn't think Wednesday is going to work. Wants to talk on Wednesday about making a mutual agreeing day and time. "in the future please consult with me before making appointments that require me there"
> 
> My response text: "I told you that I do not want to waste thousands of dollars that we and our kids will need, but if you are not there Wednesday at 1400 then I will file immediately"
> 
> ...


Yes you are. Do you know what her schedule is? It only makes sense that the two of you would need to coordinate on a time and a mediator. Does this mediator have an office near you, meaning that she has to drive about 80 miles each way? Mediation means working together. Can you email your stbx and the mediator to set up a mutually agreeable time? Can the consultation be done with your wife on the phone or using conferencing software so that your stbx does not have to drive 160 miles round trip in one day?

Have the two of you worked out what you agree with to this point? I would do that before going to a mediator with her. That way you have a starting point. 

She is not going to agree with you getting 100% custody, so that part is going to end up in court. For that reason alone, bit might be worth it to just skip mediation and to right to an attorney. But besides custody, what disagreements do the two of you have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ronald Lane said:


> Also, should I tell her that the kids told me they would rather live with me than with her?


NO do not tell her this. You need to keep in mind that your kids might be telling her that they want to live with her. Divorce puts children in a terrible position. Sometimes children handle it by kissing up to the parent they are with at any one time.

One way to handle the custody thing is to ask for a custody evaluation. That way you can tell the evaluator whatever you need to. They will talk to your children and get a better picture. And you can ask them that you insist that your stbx gets drug tested.


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## Ronald Lane (Mar 16, 2017)

The mediator/lawyer office is 1/2 way between us in the town where my mother lives. My mother has already agreed to watch the kids. My daughter will have to take a 1/2 day of school which I have no problem w/. My W had no problem taking her out of school for 3 days for their FL vacation and I think this is a little more important. 

My wife has no schedule, no job so I don't care too much if she is inconvenienced by this. I am taking a 1/2 day off from work. I know she is not going to give me full custody of kids but this will be my starting position. I want to be able to stay in my house, which she has already agreed to. I put $36K down and she only $10K. There might be $20K equity in it. Other than that I am prepared to offer her apprx. 1/2 of what my 401k earned since the marriage and she can have everything else, (except my car). I work for federal government and will have a pension which I do not want her to get any of but is negotiable. The furniture is mostly hers, etc. 

Like I told her I want quick easy and as inexpensive and painless as possible.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

You are being too harsh/inflexible. Doesn't matter whether you care about her being inconvenienced if you want to bring her to the table you need to make it something she is comfortable doing you cannot force it.

Right now she has the kids and will probably get the kids in a divorce you'll be lucky if you see them a few times per month unless you get her cooperation and you won't get that by making demands of her.


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