# Wife planning on leaving - therapist to blame?



## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

*Wife planning on leaving (severe depression)*

OK, so my wife and I have been married for five years and we've known each other about 11. We've been together nearly that whole time. We're neither old nor young (29) and she has not had any other real relationships. My parents and her parents are both divorced, albeit under very different circumstances.

My wife has had problems with depression as long as I've known her. She has been on antidepressants for the entirety of our time together - through both happy and unhappy times. She has bounced around on at least four different medications and as many as six. She has only ever visited general doctors for this, and while many have suggested visiting a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist, she only did it once for two weeks and stopped for reasons I don't know. We don't have sex much at all any more, once going more than a year, and those reasons change all the time. It used to be that the antidepressants killed her sex drive, but now it's because she doesn't "feel" good. I should note I have zero reason to suspect infidelity on her part. 

So, our marriage has been increasingly unhappy and getting worse (slowly, though) for a few years. I cook, I clean, and I do a good portion of the pet caretaking as well. My wife is a slob, which used to bother me a lot more than it does now. I have never had a problem doing this - I used to say I'd do it if she would just appreciate it. She doesn't, though, or at least she doesn't say so very often at all. Over the past few years, she's said a lot of terrible things to me - for example, that I essentially wasn't fit to be a father. The reasons she gave were obscure and nonsensical - for example, we went to a social gathering (a football tailgate) and I didn't bring anything. It didn't matter that I asked and was specifically told not to bring anything because too much food was already present. (Also, why couldn't she bring it?) In any case, she has been increasingly "naggy," yelling at me and holding me to an unreasonable standard that nobody else could or should get held to. I should note that I do most everything around the house, I take care of myself, I have a good job, two degrees, and so on - I may not know much about women, but I am pretty sure I'm a good husband.

In any case, over the past year it's gotten to the point where I feel like she just can't stand to be around me. She doesn't like where we live, but we can't really do anything about that because of the housing situation (we're underwater). She works from home, full-time, and doesn't like to leave the house. Her friends are several states away, so she doesn't get out much at all. Her general attitude (being constantly miserable) put a strain on things and we decided to seek counseling this January. What we found was that we had communication issues and expressed love differently (yes, I am aware that these are present in about 99.9% of the world's happy marriages). After four months, she told me that while she felt we were making progress (slowly), she wanted to move out. While she denies it now, she told me that the therapist suggested it. She keeps saying she needs to see if that makes her happy - moving about 400-500 miles away to me seems a lot like leaving.

She's basically committed to it at this point. I was able to get her to go to another therapist, and in the first session (we've only had one) the therapist told her that she should definitely seek qualified medical help for her depression (seeing as she's taken or taking so many medications). She also said that her reasons for leaving were not good and urged her to reconsider. My wife now tells me that "her" therapist (that's what she calls the first counselor) told her not to show any affection towards me because if she's committed to leaving she shouldn't send any mixed signals. This to me is a giant pile of BS because my wife kept telling me that she still wanted to work on it and she still loves me and I'm an amazing husband. Yet, she won't show me any affection and now treats me like a roommate. She also now refuses to see a psychiatrist because she doesn't believe she needs it. Now, call me crazy, but being on antidepressants for 11 years with mixed results might call for some more serious help.

All she has told me is that I need to work on me and the fact that I don't (I do, but that's another story) tells her that she doesn't think I'm committed. Am I wrong in thinking that a person with long-term depression needs more help than a person with no history of mental problems? I have as many problems as the average person, of course, but I don't feel the need to visit a counselor. I'm about as well-adjusted as I think I can be, and I say this now after doing more than a few independent sessions with our first counselor. I am not by any means perfect, nor would I ever claim to be. I don't know how to show my wife that I'm "working on me" outside of going to counseling by myself (which usually resulted in the counselor pulling teeth to get me on a subject).

So, for those who managed to read all that, any thoughts? Is it just me or was my first counselor both incompetent and unethical? Is my wife already gone (i.e. checked out mentally)? I don't know if anything can be saved at this point and quite frankly I'm beginning to think I deserve a lot better. It's hard to let go of the life we've built over the last 10 years, but I feel like I can't go on loving a brick wall. I've tried and tried and I'm still trying, hoping that my wife will finally get help and we will finally be able to work through our issues without any outside influences (her depression).


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Are you a Nice Guy? Can you go read the nice Guy sticky in the Mens Forum and see if any of that sounds like you? This is not your biggest issue, but how you interpret and deal with things personally may be affected by your inner nice guy, which makes things harder on you.

I'm not an expert on dealing with depressed spouses. I was the depressed on in my marriage. My house sucked. My job sucked. This city sucked. My wife sucked. Everything sucked.

I was fortunate to come to grips with myself and make a change and leave my depression, but your wifes condition sounds pretty bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

I don't think I'm a "Nice Guy," at least not according to those definitions. It's hard to tell, really. I couldn't classify myself one way or the other. I have always respected women and I will protect and provide for my family. I would say I'm "old-fashioned" rather than a nice guy. However, I definitely have some of that in me.

My wife is just flat-out miserable and she wants me to share in her depression. There isn't a single thing I can do that's right and she says a lot of hateful things that I don't believe she means - she just wants to hurt me. Misery loves misery. I have seen her in a good state of mind before - in fact, last year, she started working out and for a few months she was happy, active, and had the sex drive of a teenager. Then it stopped, and back she went to massive depression. Can I ask her to start working out again? I did a few times and now it's "all he does is ask me if I've worked out today or if I've been working out." It's not because of the obvious reason I've stated a hundred times - our life was instantly better - it's because I think she's fat or something.

I think a major problem at this point is that she and a few people close to her - her mother and, unfortunately, this braindead therapist - have her in denial. She exhibits pretty much every classic sign of depression and has been more or less lashing out for years. In an objective world I've long since had enough - without the sex or affection all she does is contribute to the bills - but I did make a committment to her and I know how good it can be if she were to take care of herself. I can't make her do it, though, and she wants to leave.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

FS8 said:


> I don't think I'm a "Nice Guy," at least not according to those definitions. It's hard to tell, really. I couldn't classify myself one way or the other. I have always respected women and I will protect and provide for my family. I would say I'm "old-fashioned" rather than a nice guy. However, I definitely have some of that in me.
> 
> My wife is just flat-out miserable and she wants me to share in her depression. There isn't a single thing I can do that's right and she says a lot of hateful things that I don't believe she means - she just wants to hurt me. Misery loves misery. I have seen her in a good state of mind before - in fact, last year, she started working out and for a few months she was happy, active, and had the sex drive of a teenager. Then it stopped, and back she went to massive depression. Can I ask her to start working out again? I did a few times and now it's "all he does is ask me if I've worked out today or if I've been working out." It's not because of the obvious reason I've stated a hundred times - our life was instantly better - it's because I think she's fat or something.
> 
> I think a major problem at this point is that she and a few people close to her - her mother and, unfortunately, this braindead therapist - have her in denial. She exhibits pretty much every classic sign of depression and has been more or less lashing out for years. In an objective world I've long since had enough - without the sex or affection all she does is contribute to the bills - but I did make a committment to her and I know how good it can be if she were to take care of herself. I can't make her do it, though, and she wants to leave.


If she doesn't admit any part in problems, lashes out and refuses help I'd be scared she wouldn't leave! Sorry bad sarcasm. When shock is over, life adjustments are made, I think you'll see she did you the biggest favor! It's honorable you take your vows so seriously, but life is too short!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I honestly think your wife may be on so much medication, she is in a stupor. She is numb to the world. While owning and operating a pharmacy I saw a lot of people in the same condition as your wife. Unfortunately, that was a common sight when general practitioners dabbled in mental health.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

FS8 said:


> I don't think I'm a "Nice Guy," at least not according to those definitions. It's hard to tell, really. I couldn't classify myself one way or the other. I have always respected women and I will protect and provide for my family. I would say I'm "old-fashioned" rather than a nice guy. However, I definitely have some of that in me.
> 
> My wife is just flat-out miserable and she wants me to share in her depression. There isn't a single thing I can do that's right and she says a lot of hateful things that I don't believe she means - she just wants to hurt me. Misery loves misery. I have seen her in a good state of mind before - in fact, last year, she started working out and for a few months she was happy, active, and had the sex drive of a teenager. Then it stopped, and back she went to massive depression. Can I ask her to start working out again? I did a few times and now it's "all he does is ask me if I've worked out today or if I've been working out." It's not because of the obvious reason I've stated a hundred times - our life was instantly better - it's because I think she's fat or something.
> 
> I think a major problem at this point is that she and a few people close to her - her mother and, unfortunately, this braindead therapist - have her in denial. She exhibits pretty much every classic sign of depression and has been more or less lashing out for years. In an objective world I've long since had enough - without the sex or affection all she does is contribute to the bills - but I did make a committment to her and I know how good it can be if she were to take care of herself. I can't make her do it, though, and she wants to leave.


You should get No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover. At least go over to the website and check out the forum over there. I agree with post above, she may of lost respect for you.  Also you have no kids at this point, consider starting over for your long term happiness.


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

I honestly don't know if it's a matter of me being too accomodating or not. If she has lost respect for me, I wouldn't be so sure it's because of how I am. It may very well be but I don't know.

Thanks all for your input. At this point I am trying to simply accept that I can't make her do anything, especially not address her own problems. If she isn't willing to do that, then I am probably better off. We will see what happens, and if she does leave instead of looking at it like the end of the world I'll try and look at it like an opportunity.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My wife suffers some of the same feelings, so I understand your pain. I'll have to be honest and say that you won't find many people who understand this. They'll assume that you are a nice guy, not meeting her needs, or some other problem. Its just so frustrating because nothing seems to work. I tried the nice guy, but it goes against my grain, so I became very firm. None of it really worked until she saw that this was really a problem within her. Not at all suggesting that I didn't do my share of harm to her problems, but I could only fix my actions. Even after my wife had this epiphany, not alot changed. No smiles. No nice words. But I love her because I can see the type of person she yearns to be. She wants to be happy, but just feels powerless, despite the meds.

When your wife is so convinced that it is not her, its almost impossible to get her to address the problems behind the depression. In the past, my wife suggested that she should leave, also. I told her that there would be no coming back. It was incredibly hard to get to that point. Also, I said that there was no future together that didn't include her working on and taking ownership for these problems. Even that didn't phase her. It was only while she was making the plans to get another job, and while all of her family and friends were telling her that she was making a mistake that she finally did a 180. If your wife is willing to walk away, given your conditions, then I think that tells you exactly where you stand.


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

OK, so another week and a half has passed. She's still packing and we've been through one more session with the new counselor. Again, the counselor urged her not to leave, and again, it seemed to have no effect. My wife seems to want something to be wrong with me - ADD, OCD, you name it. I am not entirely sure if she's in denial or not, but I think she is. She wants to blame everything on me. I have made clear that I am not blaming anything on her - she's a beautiful, loving, and caring person. Her depression, on the other hand, is hateful, spiteful, and miserable. That is not who she is, but only if she is willing to accept that it is a huge part of the problem.

I have spent my time talking to people and reading everything I can. When I search for a phrase like "depression ruined my marriage" I will find literally HUNDREDS of posts of people who say and do the same thing my wife says, does, and and is planning on doing. None of it makes sense and a lot of them realize that now. My wife has had depression for twelve years, at least, and I found out that her mother and grandmother lived with serious (as in nearly suicidal) depression for most of their lives. This is extremely painful for me because I cannot for the life of me identify what I did wrong. I'm sure that I do a lot of things that annoy her, and I'm also sure that 100% of the time when two people live together they will annoy each other. I don't want to say I do everything right, but I do my absolute best.

I know in my heart that I am not fighting my wife - I am fighting her depression. It breaks my heart to see that the only people in the world who don't recognize this are my wife and her mother. I don't even know if I'm asking anything here. I just wanted to vent a little. This is an enemy I can't even see.


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