# Separated day 10 of 22yr marriage



## Dolfna (Jun 21, 2013)

Hi, so I am having trouble not being pathetic. I actually helped my husband get his cable set up, move furniture and made him have relations with me. During this time he was turning down my advances telling me he was uncomfortable and treating me like I cheated on him. 

Even after I decided to move out of our home 2days ago so he could move back I still threw my pathetic self at him of course shot down. 

I promised him I would try to leave him alone, yet a texted I love you to him last night. It hurts being in love with someone who isn't in love with you. He loves me but hasn't been in love with me since I can't even remember.

Part of me thinks I should stay out at my brothers the other is like why move out since he is already out. I moved out cause I couldn't stand being treated I was nothing. 7 days after he moved out we had a call.

20 minutes after speaking to me he called my cousin saying for her to check on me it wasn't exactly like he could just drive over and hug and kiss me....FYI we lived 7minutes a part. He didn't understand how or why that hurt me so bad. I said if you were worried about me call me. You don't call my family and tell them you can't kiss me as if I had been cheating on you.

It would be easier to deal with being treated like I cheated if I did, but since I didn't it stings.

I don't know how to handle the life changes


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

So why does he think you cheated on him? There must be a reason.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Alpha said:


> So why does he think you cheated on him? There must be a reason.


Maybe it's a bad assumption but I think she is simply saying he is acting as if she cheated on him ... not that she did or that he thinks she did.

It sounds like he is truly separating in his mind and he's trying to distance himself. I don't think it is unusual; there is a reason, certainly many reasons, why the two of you are separated.

Did you separate with the intention of reconciling or is the separation preceding a divorce?

EDIT: I read your other post. Your husband is unwilling to go to counseling. Unfortunately it is very possible that in his mind, the two of you are divorcing and he is treating it that way.


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## Dolfna (Jun 21, 2013)

Alpha said:


> So why does he think you cheated on him? There must be a reason.


 No he doesn't think that I cheated on him. The other person probably nailed it on the head. He is distancing in prep for divorce as a guess.

He is just admitted to himself and me that while he loves me he isn't in love with me.

I told him that doesn't make him a bad man, love is a choice he can either choose to find and nurture it or grow further apart. I have suspected for awhile now. I just hope by the time he figures it out my heart isn't so broke I no longer love him.

I just want him happy even if that isn't with me


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## Dolfna (Jun 21, 2013)

The separation came about because of several things, I have felt the lack of in love, he didn't like my complaining about his drinking. He drinks everyday and gets hammered on the weekends.

On weekend I found him at 4am drunk walking with my gay female drunk cousin. I said I wanted a divorce I was just so angry. I told him the next day it said it from anger and I wanted him to work on his drinking.

While he cut back it he made me feel like his mother asking before every beer. We had some major fights him up drinking alone with my cousin.

I told him I needed to leave, he asked me to stay, I did. A few days later I told him I was going to an al anon meeting (my first). We had a huge fight I told him I was moving out when I got back.

When I returned he moved to our property we had up for sale knowing I was going to move there. I don't know why I try to reconcile us. Neither of us are happy the way things were. Until May our daily was good it was when the cousin came in the picture and the drinking increased that I hit max tilt

Don't get me wrong he is a good man. And if he treated me as he was in love life would be perfect. I have felt for a long time I have to work for every morsel of attention


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

sounds to me like the drink is controlling his life and in turn it is messing up the marriage. you are in a hard place. 22 years is a long time, an investment of a major part of your adult life.
you are not pathetic. you are trying to hold on to that 22 year relationship investment and a man you love.
you may benefit from professional counseling from someone who can help you sort through things.
it may be the love that you need to show now is the tough love of not enabling your husband to continue to ruin your life and his by his drinking.
good luck. you have some tough decisions ahead of you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dolfna said:


> The separation came about because of several things, I have felt the lack of in love, he didn't like my complaining about his drinking. He drinks everyday and gets hammered on the weekends.
> *
> Here is your reason to stop trying to reconcile. Your relationship is never going to work as long as he drinks. Go to Al Anon, and start working on your co-dependence and enabling. Get yourself in a better place so that you can move on from this man, he has stolen more than enough years from you.*
> 
> ...


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## Dolfna (Jun 21, 2013)

He is a good man, he goes to work never misses. He cooked and did coffee. We only argued once a year. I have to let him go cause I don't make him happy and he doesnt want to ge with me. He allows me to have sex still for who knows how much longer. I just wasn't good enough. I allowed myself to gain weight and even though I worked, I was depressed. I have lost over 20lbs who knows I loose the last fourty and when he wants me back I won't want him anymore.

I am grateful for the time we had it is difficult to go thru change and love someone who doesn't feel it for u. He loves me but isn't in love I don't make his heart skip a beat anymore


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