# Wife cheated, please help



## Painful (May 11, 2009)

I just found out yesterday that my wife slept with an old friend of hers while I was gone a couple weeks ago. They both say it was a one time occurance, but my trust is so far gone I dont know if I even believe that. Right now I am just very hurt, I have scheduled counseling in a couple days but need advice now. I am just hurting so bad inside and my mind is always racing so fast that I can't think logically. My initial anger and hurt makes me want to leave her but we have two awesome kids 2 and 4 yrs old. I just dont know what to do, what to say to her, nothing. She keeps texting me at work asking if I want her to leave for a while or if I want to divorce her, and I just dont know what to say or do. I love her but I cant gid rid of the feeling in my chest...i literally feel the pain which is a new one for me. I want to be away from her for a while because I just can't stand to look at her right now and it is very awkward at home, but I want to be around my kids!!! If anyone has experienced something similar, please give me some advice or share what you did...PLEASE!!!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

she will trivialize it and put the onus on you to cope and do nothing to repair things.

I am sorry , but your wife is snowing you still.

At the very least, take some time for a decision. Seek counseling. 

A good marriage counselor at the very least!

Do not move out and do not allow her to control your actions. Stand up for yourself. Insist she excise this old friend from your lives.

Get checked for STDs, both of you. Do not have sex with her until the results are in. 

Insist on the truth and transparency from her about her whereabouts.

You are in for a long ride, hang in there.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. The racing thoughts, anger and awkwardness you feel around her are all normal. Is she showing remorse for her infidelity? Is she shifting blame to you/your relationship? I think much of how you will deal with this and decide whether you can move forward together will be in how she is reacting going forward. 

If she is truely sorry and is being (as michzz said above) transparent, trying to open up and regain the trust, you can move past this together, but it will take time. If she is loving and patient, she will let you heal at your own pace and do what she can to regain your trust. Over time, you will begin to have a better understanding whether you can forgive her and move on together or if you cannot.

For now, do what you need to heal. Whether it's marriage counseling, talking to her, and/or taking some time away, you need some time to pass before you begin to feel settled again. 

Many times, you may see where you've drifted from one another (very common with work and young kids in the picture) and this could be a wake-up call for you both that you need to put more focus on the marriage. It can actually be a turning point in your marriage and make it stronger than it was before...but you both need to be patient, understanding, forgiving and willing to give it a shot.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your 2 and 4 year old will adjust. I was 5. Been married 29 years. It is more important that they have a good example of marriage, rather then just a marriage, where mom is a cheater.


----------



## DarthQuagmire (May 12, 2009)

well u married her, so if it was just once then maybe you should try to forgive her and go on. I know its hard to trust again, but you can. maybe it was a 1 time thing, maybe she will continue, it depends on how u feel about her to give her another chance.


----------



## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Is she remorseful about what happened? She needs to be if you want to repair your marriage. One thing to be aware of, the wayward spouse will tend to trivialize and not be totally forthcoming about everything that truly happened.

If you're not familar with The 180, research it, learn it, and start doing it.

If you haven't done so, you need to sit down with your wife and tell her how this has effected you, how you no longer trust her, and that you love her, but you are unsure if this marriage will survive. If she wants to remain married to you, she needs to rebuild and earn your trust. It's your decision on where this goes, she really has no say. But her actions and willingness will help in your decision.

Tell her if she wants to remain married and repair the damage, there are a few things you require. These are not open for negotiation, she either complies or your marriage is finished. Be firm, do not allow her to waffle or negotiate. This is about you and your children, not her, not your marriage.
Requirements:
1. No contact whatsover with the other man.
2. Complete and total honesty about EVERYTHING that happened
3. Total transparency on her part, access to all email accounts, cell phones, etc.
4. Marriage counseling and individual counseling

If she's not open to this right away, give her a week to make her decision. Let her know that at the end of this week, you will talk about her decision. Let her know that if she agrees to the above stipulations and working to repair this damage, you will continue to love and support her, and do everything in your power to overcome your grief. let her know you will not lash out in anger or resentment, even though you feel like it.
If she does not want to fix your marriage, or does not agree to all of the above, then let her know she will be moving out and you will be filing for divorce.

You will not "love" her into staying committed to your marriage. All the begging, pleading in the world will do nothing but push her further away. She needs to see you are strong, and are willing to move on, without her if need be.

She's already shown that at this moment, she cannot be trusted. If she wants to remain married to you, she needs to rebuild and earn your trust. If she doesn't want to do that, then you deserve someone you will, and she's not that person.
Good Luck and God Bless


----------



## brokenheart09 (Aug 7, 2009)

You should figure out if she really loves or she only wants to stay for the kids.


----------



## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Do you know why she might have cheated on you, This is an important question, ask her why she did it. Tell her to dig deep and find the honest answer, it may surprise you.

Is your wife a stay at home mom? Doesn't work?

Spends a lot of time with the children when you're at work?


----------



## GM17 (Aug 11, 2009)

This is still so new. You need time to think. Take a week apart from her to put things into better perspective. The fact that you already scheduled counseling says alot about you. If you are willing to forgive and keep your family then by all means try all you can to get that back. But she has to be willing to do these things as well. Does she truly regret it and wants to work it out? If so, just know that it takes time. Breathe. If you work together you will get through this. Good Luck!


----------

