# give him a 2nd chance?



## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello all

im new here

im 29 year old wife, now separated to my 33 year old hubby, married 5 years. 

twins, 14 months old.

husband goes out about 7 times since the kids were born with friends. I go to my parents when he goes out.

he constantly goes out with friends that I know but, its been 7 times since the kids were born. 

he also refuses to get of facebook, I think he chats to people on there, even though my cousins are on facebook and are friends with him on there and don't see it. 

he emailed me, wants to propose to reconcile, get of facebook and not go out with friends, give me all passwords but I don't think I trust him. 

He has not cheated on me, works too hard, but I need him around. He sees clients one or 2 evenings a week because of his work. My family thinks he is cheating on me. 

We have been separated 3 months now. I have refused him to see the kids and now he is going to file in court to see them and sell the home and move on. 

He gave me I think the 180 for a few weeks, then contacted me to reconcile, I said no.

He is well off, making $2-3k per week, I only make $700. He gives me a lot of child support but wants to see the kids. 

I just want him to move on, but he wants to see the kids. 

Any ideas guys?

Will I give him a second chance?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but......

He IS cheating one you!

The facebook thing is a big red flag along with the evening client bullsh!t and visiting "friends". All way too common lies. 

Husbands and wives who cheat like this constantly build up false lives online and then go out to have dates or sex with those people. And they're never as busy as they calim to be..... how many hours is he messing with FB instead of talking with you. 

And c'mon, he's doing the escape act to avoid responsibility and emotionally bully you into behaving so you will put up with his bad behavior. I went throught this one myself, "If you don't let me get away with acting up, I'm going to abandon you and make you worry about me until you miss me enought to sweep everything under the rug and let me misbehave again". 

He's not showing himself to be a good husband I can tell you that much. Aside from the money, which isn't everything, he can't commit himself to this marriage. So do the smart thing and let him go experience the freedom he things will be better.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why aren't you letting him see his kids?


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

He was devastated when I left him.

He came back from being with his friends for dinner at 9pm. He said he would be back at 8. 

I feel he wont give them back. 

He said he did go to see clients after hours as he wanted to get more clients for his new business. He does however come home with documents and payment, he is a solicitor and tries to see clients after hours as most solicitors wont provide that service to give the kids $

He went out 7 times since the kids were born, they are only 14 months old.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Something about that still just doesn't sound right.

I get that he has to go out some night with clients, but how much of that time was spent actually working. 

Just a shot in the dark but I'm sensing he's either cheating or spending way too much free time with friends. 

Something about his whole attitude for your story just reeks of an immature husband who can't commit to one person or another. 

Did he ever try to bring you allong or pay for a sitter so you can come and pitch with him? What exactly does he do for work?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Be careful - my WH was a outside sales Rep for a company - its how he hid what he was up to. I even helped him with his mileage & expense reports. Plenty of evening business dinners & overnight weekend trips. It all looked legit to me & they issued him an expense check each month. Since I took care of the family finances it wasn't easy for him to have extra money to entertain his new friend. I'm almost 100% sure he expensed his way through it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Starting a new business is hard and stressful. It does take a lot of time away from the family to make it successful enough to raise a family on. 

And I can see a guy wanting a break from both work and young twins at home. Especially if the two of you haven't been getting along so your relationship is difficult too.

I'm sure you could benefit from going out without the kids once every two months. You probably need a break yourself. He can stay home and watch them while you go out with your friends and remember what it's like to be a person as well as a mother.

You can't legally prevent him from seeing his children. My guess is the children need their father, too. It's not fair to keep them away from him. I'm not sure why you think he wouldn't give them back. You haven't written anything about him that would give that impression. A solicitor, of all people, should be well aware that's a crime.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Even if he has cheated and you don't want to be with him, he should still be able to see his children. Why won't you let him see the children?


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

He actually always asked me to come, he even took pics from his I pad and emailed them to me at the work places or homes he attended. 

He works with a friend of mine who also denies anything happened. I actually organised the job for him. 

He came back around 8pm most nights.

He is a solicitor. 

We have a joint account, he never had another account and was always open with money. Actually, he was always tight with his money. rarely spent money on anyone but the kids and I. 

He is focused on money and me not working anymore. I think he is being selfish. 

I don't want him to see the kids because I want them 24/7. He offered to reconcile that he would not go anywhere without me and the kids, but I don't trust him alone with them. 

I cant cope with twins, what hope does he have?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> He actually always asked me to come, he even took pics from his I pad and emailed them to me at the work places or homes he attended.
> 
> He works with a friend of mine who also denies anything happened. I actually organised the job for him.
> 
> ...



Personally, I think this a joke. 7 times in 14 months he's gone out? He is paying his child support despite the fact you won't let him see the kid(s). He's offered full transparency and you are arguing with everyone who says he might be cheating and saying you need his help with the kids... So what is your question?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

I'm not sure if I can trust him.

I think he is not caring enough for the children.

He needs to stay home all the time, he has children now I feel.

Why does he need to go out? 

My question is, should I take him back? 

He gives my family money when they need it, then uses it against me when I question when he goes out to work. My family is not well off, but he seems to use it against me when we argue. 

To his defense, he does pay far more child support then he needs to. I'm just not sure of I can trust him. 

He has a lot of clients who are attractive. I just think he may be speaking with them more than he has to. He says it is just work, but I think he spends too much time working and with friends, and needs to be home. 

I don't like the way he wants his family with the children. I asked that he not involve them in their lives, but he still insists on them spe ding time with them a few hours each month or so.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Going out 7 times in 14 months isn't "constantly" going out and regardless of whether you feel he is a great dad or not, he IS the father to those children and the judge won't be thrilled that you're not letting him see his own kids. The opinion of the person wearing the black robe is the one that counts.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

7 times in 14 months? That's once every 2 months. Hardly 'neglecting being a father or husband' and if you want to go out every once and a while, to get a break, it's your right. If you don't want to go out, you cannot take it out on him and command that he stays home.

Quite honestly, from everything you have said, from your own personal demands of him, what he has said and done, and what you've been told by others of his behavior .. you have issues of your own that you should consider working on.

This is not to say that your stbxh may not have his very own, but your focus is far too much on him, when if you were to step outside of your situation and read what you've just wrote yourself, you have lots of work to do yourself.

As for your stbxh taking you to court to see the kids and move on, if I was in his shoes, I would be doing the exact same thing. I fought to make sure I would have my kids 50/50 and I'm happy to hear he is doing the same.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

I think he is only going to court to scare me back into getting back with him.

He seemed devastated when I left, almost suicidal. 

Im not sure if I can be with someone like that. 

I just feel he wants me, not the kids.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> I'm not sure if I can trust him.
> 
> I think he is not caring enough for the children.
> 
> ...


I think your perspective is very, very strange.

Why shouldn't he want his family to spend time with his children? They are his kids, and his family just like they are your kids and your family. 

It's wrong to deny the children their grandparents and aunts and uncles, just like it is wrong for you to deny them their FATHER right now.

He can't stay home "all the time". He has to work, he has to see family, he has to see friends - these are normal things for any person.

You have no proof of any kind of cheating, no reason to even think he's cheating since you had him hire your friend in order to spy on him.

You're the one preventing him from seeing his own children, you're the one who is accusing him of cheating without any evidence, you want to keep his children away from his family, and you are the one wondering if he is trustworthy? 

YOU don't seem very trustworthy. You have essentially stolen his kids, kidnapped them, for no reason.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> I think he is only going to court to scare me back into getting back with him.
> 
> He seemed devastated when I left, almost suicidal.
> 
> ...


You sound like quite the victim.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

do you think im being to harsh?

Im unsure, my family say to me that he wont change, that he will ignore the kids and me.

Surely the kids and the marriage mean more than going out with friends?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> Surely the kids and the marriage mean more than going out with friends?


Wanna place a friendly wager on that?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> do you think im being to harsh?
> 
> Im unsure, my family say to me that he wont change, that he will ignore the kids and me.
> 
> Surely the kids and the marriage mean more than going out with friends?


Yes, I think you are being too harsh.

I think your expectations of any man are too high.

And I think that taking his children away from him is wrong. 

And I think you are the one causing problems in this marriage because you cannot see your husband for the man that he is, only for the lies your family is whispering in your ear.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

how do you mean katy?

Secondly, he always argues against me when I want him at home. He constantly tells me that work is constant and necessary, so to saving money. He never spends money on himself, or buys a nice car. He also has put on some weight since the wedding. 

All little things, but still big things to me


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If I were him I'd be hiring a shark for a divorce attorney.

You have no reason to think he's been cheating.
He's done nothing anyone else would consider suspicious.
He offered to stop the non suspicious activity anyway.
You're keeping his kids from him.

If I were him I'd destroy you in divorce & custody
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> do you think im being to harsh?
> 
> Im unsure, my family say to me that he wont change, that he will ignore the kids and me.
> 
> Surely the kids and the marriage mean more than going out with friends?


There clearly needs to be a balance within your marriage and relationship. I'm sure there is much more to this story but so far all we have heard is what he has or hasn't done.

From what you have said though, he has requested to see his children and you have kept them away from him. This is not right. Even in my worst times, when I wanted nothing to do with my ex wife, I still made sure she saw the kids and our issues never interfered with them seeing the parents.

He is now going for his kids the only way he can, through the legal system, and yet you still determine that it's to hurt you rather than what you actually have been saying you want. Him being more into his children.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

he sent me an email wanting to reconcile, then at the end, if I didn't want to come back, he didn't want to tell the kids he didn't fight for them and go to court to see them when they ask later in life.

I just feel he is going to unsettle them too much. when he did see the kids they cried when they saw him and cried more when he left. He said he wants to see them 2 or 3 days per week. I cant be without them that long.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I agree with Daddio. Even after all the abuse I sustained from my wife, I did not interfere with her seeing the kids. I even knew she had a drug problem and could justify not letting her see the kids. However, I knew she wasn't a danger to them.

What you are doing is equal to kidnapping in my eyes.

Your kids need their Dad.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> he sent me an email wanting to reconcile, then at the end, if I didn't want to come back, he didn't want to tell the kids he didn't fight for them and go to court to see them when they ask later in life.
> 
> I just feel he is going to unsettle them too much. when he did see the kids they cried when they saw him and cried more when he left. He said he wants to see them 2 or 3 days per week. I cant be without them that long.



Once this goes to court, you will be without them that long.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you want your kid to grow up without a father? 

You complain he doesn't spend enough time with them, but now want to prevent him from seeing his children at all.

Would you prefer that he take his money and completely disappear so that you and your family keep the kids all to yourselves and they never see their father? Because it sounds like that's what you want.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> He said he wants to see them 2 or 3 days per week. I cant be without them that long.


That's YOUR problem...not your kids'.

You're using them as a pawn, and that upsets me.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> he sent me an email wanting to reconcile, then at the end, if I didn't want to come back, he didn't want to tell the kids he didn't fight for them and go to court to see them when they ask later in life.
> 
> I just feel he is going to unsettle them too much. when he did see the kids they cried when they saw him and cried more when he left. He said he wants to see them 2 or 3 days per week. I cant be without them that long.


The children are 14 months old, they cry a lot at that age. It happens. What he is proposing sounds like the 2-2-3 shared custody rotation and sorry to say, but you will have to get used to not seeing them for that long.

Such is life when you attempt to rip a child away from the other parents. Regardless of who's doing it.

Yet, here you are, accusing him of unsettling the children while you're the one who left there father. Something within your right if you no longer wish to be with the man, but it's not within your right to keep them from there father.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> he sent me an email wanting to reconcile, then at the end, if I didn't want to come back, he didn't want to tell the kids he didn't fight for them and go to court to see them when they ask later in life.
> 
> I just feel he is going to unsettle them too much. when he did see the kids they cried when they saw him and cried more when he left. He said he wants to see them 2 or 3 days per week. I cant be without them that long.


Its not your choice. I agree with Tacoma.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Well what do you think I should do, reconcile?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you love him?

You haven't mentioned one single word about your feelings for him or that you appreciate and care for him or love him in any way. For that reason, I wouldn't suggest reconciling. 

He deserves a woman who loves him and appreciates what he does for the family, including all his hard work in starting his own business as a solicitor, instead of a woman who doesn't love him and can only see negative in everything he does.

Of course, he does have the legal right to see his children, so you will not be able to take that away from him if you choose not to reconcile.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> Well what do you think I should do, reconcile?


Reconcile if you love the man. 

Divorce if you don't.

Let him see his kids either way.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Is this thread for real?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Let him see the kids.

Who are you to hold children from their father?

Seriously. Don't used them as pawns.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.

My friends think I'm stupid for not going back and giving him another chance. 

I just want to have the kids, I don't think he can cope with them. I have my family and he has his. I don't think he can really cope. 

Maybe it is best I try and speak with him,


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

(Snipped out unhelpful first line)

Once every two months is no too much to go out. If he went out every couple weeks it still wouldn't be. Why do you think 7 times in 14 months is excessive.

If you don't feel love for him don't go back. Doesn't matter if he is a demigod of a man. Your feelings are what they are.

The big one. How dare you withhold his children from him. How dare you with hold. Their father from them. At no point have I seen you say why he shouldn't have them?

Sorry but to me, you come across as incredibly "entitled" and a little deluded.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> My friends think I'm stupid for not going back and giving him another chance.
> 
> ...


You're the one who is having issues coping and I would suggest talking to him.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

You're mad at him for working hard to make money for you and your children. You're mad at him for going out once every two months with his friends, and for one night coming home an hour later than he said. Another one of your gripes is that he is frugal and does not waste money on things like expensive cars, etc. For this you kick him out and keep his kids away from him.

Why would he even want you back?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Why would he even want you back?


A.men.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

This can't be real. 

Sounds like your Hubby is every woman's dream.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

GutPunch said:


> Once this goes to court, you will be without them that long.


Hopefully longer


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> You're mad at him for working hard to make money for you and your children. You're mad at him for going out once every two months with his friends, and for one night coming home an hour later than he said. Another one of your gripes is that he is frugal and does not waste money on things like expensive cars, etc. For this you kick him out and keep his kids away from him.
> 
> Why would he even want you back?


:iagree:

Apparently, for him it's about his kids. Many a couple have reconciled "for the kids" and not for each other. The OP seems to be making some very selfish and unrealistic decisions in regards to this family, leaving her H to comply with her wishes in order to see his own children. Very manipulative and sad.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I think you would benefit from a visit to an Individual Counselor (IC). Ask him specifically about postpartum depression.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> I think you would benefit from a visit to an Individual Counselor (IC). Ask him specifically about postpartum depression.


I was thinking Histrionic Personality Disorder, but I'm hardly qualified to dispense a diagnosis.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I will not sit here and question her abilities as a mother and caregiver for her children, as I have no clue how she raises her children in general.

Clearly her mindset is that of control and wants to rule her husbands every move, that is not how life works. The suggestion of IC is solid and should be looked into by the OP.

The fact of the matter is this, if she does not want to be with her husband, that is within her right. What is not within her right, is attempting to keep the children away from him and crying foul because of the consequences of her choices. 

In this case, the division of time between parents will happen OP, if you like it or not and I suggest you keep in mind that any actions you take in regards to using the children against there father will be hammered down upon you in the later years.

Children only remain children for so long, before they become self identifying, free thinkers and will without a doubt judge the situation of there past based on what they remember and hear through the years.

I suggest the IC, along with educating yourself on Co-Parenting Plans (they may have courses via government where you live) and to start implementing one with your soon to be ex husband. Stall too long, keep the children away for too long, and you will pay the consequences of your inaction.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

There is definitely more to the story if he is planning on going to the courts to fight for his children....a cheating, lying, POS wouldn't do this. He would be living his life carefree. 

Why keep him away from his children? That is just plain cruel. 

What caused you to leave him in the first place? Do you have another male "friend" involved in your life at all?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

......from what you have written, I say yes you should give him another chance

But what about the reverse - should he GIVE YOU another chance? If so, why? What are the positives that you bring to the marriage and as a wife?


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello

The reason why I don't let him have the kids is that he was very depressed and seemed suicidal when I left him.

He went and got a psych report to show me that he was ok but I don't believe it. The psych did not see him with the kids. I think he will hurt them if he is alone with them.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You out qualify a psych report?

You have no grounds you have mentioned to keep the kids from their father.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> Hello
> 
> The reason why I don't let him have the kids is that he was very depressed and seemed suicidal when I left him.
> 
> He went and got a psych report to show me that he was ok but I don't believe it. The psych did not see him with the kids. I think he will hurt them if he is alone with them.


First you said you were afraid he wouldn't give them back.
Then you said you didn't want to be away from them, you wanted them 24/7.
Then you said you didn't think he could cope with both of them because you yourself can't cope with them.
Now you're saying you think he will hurt them.

I think you might do well to get a psych eval yourself.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

I offered supervised contact with the kids and him with my cousins, he came 3 times then I told him to stop. 

I offered to him to come back a while ago but he has not replied. 

I offered overnight contact when the kids are 5, but he said its too far away. He is being too difficult.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Supervised visits? The man got a report to prove his mental health, when he didn't have to.

Visits when the kids are 5? I fully back him raking you across the legal coals.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

He's a solicitor himself, I hope he rakes you over the coals pro se. You're a cruel woman.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

supervised visits 

He some sort of danger.

You ate in for a rude awakening 
come court time. He is probably 
setting you up for a fall.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Look

We separated over Xmas, I said I'll come back if he got of Facebook, and didn't go out at night too much.

In a month I came back I caught him out on Facebook, and he went out 2 times. 

He has now offered to get of Facebook 100% and give me all Passwords, but I don't tust him to do so. 

He was more focused on work than me and the family.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Focused on work to SUPPORT his family.

smh.

You cannot use the children to hurt him.

You don't know if he can cope. Sure, he'll do things differently than you would, but that's the beauty of life. People are different. Just come to an agreement on how to discipline so it's somewhat "equal" when with you and him. If I could work it out with my old daughter's father, I'm sure you could work it out with this man.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He was more focused on work than me and the family.


That's your perspective. His perspective might be that he was focused on work BECAUSE of his concern for supporting the family, including you. See how that's different? He is not being selfish, but you think he is because he isn't glued to the babies' side 24/7.

What have you been focused on? Him? Your marriage? Or only on the babies and the suspicions your family is whispering in your ear?

Do you love this man? Do you think about his well-being? Do you worry about his happiness? Do you appreciate his sense of responsibility? Do you respect him? Do you laugh at his jokes? Do you hug and kiss him when he walks through the door or do you b*tch at him about something? Do you take any time for just the two of you to go out as a couple? Do you have sex? Is it good? Is it regular or once every never?

You aren't getting a lot of sympathy here because what your husband is doing doesn't sound unreasonable at all. He sounds like he's working hard to support the family, he is frugal with money and doesn't spend it on himself or on nonsense, he invites you to go out with him and his friends even though you refuse, he sends you pictures when he is out with friends or clients so you know he's not banging some other woman, you helped your friend get a job with him so he could spy on him so you know he's not cheating, and he's starting a business and working hard to make it successful! 

You, on the other hand, expect him to be with you every moment he is not at work, and you expect him to cut down on work so he can be with you more, and you expect him not to go out and you won't go out with him, you don't want his family to spend any time with the kids and even think the 2-3 hours a month are too much, and on top of it all, you have essentially kidnapped his children. YOU are the one who sounds unreasonable.

NO man (or woman) spends 24/7 with their children all the time. They actually go out and have dinner, meet with friends, visit family, go to the gym, go to bars with their buddies, go shopping, go wash the car, watch football or basketball on tv with their buddies, and go to ballgames with their buddies. Some go biking or swimming or hunting or fishing or play pool or do all kinds of things. They get baby-sitters and do many of those things with their wives. And yes, they also spend time on Facebook just like a lot of people do, just like they spend time in front of the tv.

If you expect anything other than that, you will be disappointed 100% of the time.

And if all you give to a relationship is being a mother and complaining about him not living up to your expectations without EVER considering his perspective, your marriage will fail 100% of the time.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> Look
> 
> We separated over Xmas, I said I'll come back if he got of Facebook, and didn't go out at night too much.
> 
> ...


It's clear you don't want to go back. So don't. I repeat though, none of what you say is grounds to keep him from his kids??


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Every other month is not much at all. He is not obligated to spend every waking moment with you. Expecting that is needy and clingy. I had issue with my husband going out weekly "with the guys from work" when he worked with mostly women. In addition to staying out very late most nights and leaving early. The one time in ages I said I was going to be late after work he told me he was taking TWO nights that week. 

You have it pretty easy. However, I think you need a break from children as well. No one should be with anyone 24/7, not even children. They are at that age where they need to learn to trust other caregivers besides their mother. They cannot learn that trust if you are there non stop. 

You have no legal claim to keep these kids from their father except one, and you have made no mention of that claim so I can assume it is not an issue at all. Even such, their age would dictate you might not even get to use that one, and yes, I am being vague intentionally because I feel if I mention it, you will use it as an excuse as well.

Relax. Let the man have a life outside of you. Otherwise he will end up hating you.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I went out with coworkers or friends nearly every Friday night for years. Until 11 or 12 pm. Never cheated. People need social interaction with others. It's healthy. 

If you are not ok with once every two months... he probably felt smothered by you. 

Let him see his kids. 

It seems you are just scrambling for excuses to get this guy totally out of your life... and your children's.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Kids need a dad in their lives. He wants to be a part of it. What more could you ask for??

Some guys don't want the responsibility of kids. Your H was working and providing for his family and now is willing to go to court for them. 

Why do you seem unwilling to compromise? Did you find actual evidence of him cheating?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I don't think it's any secret, on TAM, that I despise when parents try to cut another out of the lives of their children.

How dare you?!

I agree with Brock. I hope he rapes you in court.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Amen.

What Katy said.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Forever Changed said:


> Amen.
> 
> What Katy said.


I love your new name!! :smthumbup:


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thank you Katy.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Ok I hear you guys.

I'm not to sure, I have never had any real evidence of him cheating, however he went out to see a lawyer friend for drinks one evening, when he came back, his lawyer mate called him, I distinctly heard a female voice, he then hung up.

He said it must have been some chick overheard in the bar, I said he was picking up.

He replied saying I was crazy, why would he leave the bar then speak to her on the phone? 

He then gave me $150 from the payment for the conference for me to spend. It sounds legit I guess.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> Ok I hear you guys.
> 
> I'm not to sure, I have never had any real evidence of him cheating, however he went out to see a lawyer friend for drinks one evening, when he came back, his lawyer mate called him, I distinctly heard a female voice, he then hung up.
> 
> ...



It's certainly possible he's a cheater. 

But to play devil's advocate... if my spouse wasn't ok with me going out once every two months then I'd be tempted to lie about talking to a female coworker. 

Even if it was platonic.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

zillard said:


> It's certainly possible he's a cheater.
> 
> But to play devil's advocate... if my spouse wasn't ok with me going out once every two months then I'd be tempted to lie about talking to a female coworker.
> 
> *Even if it was platonic.*


Yup. A relationship without boundaries can surely cause a plethora of issues. As we've all come to learn.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

Im not sure what to do. 

I wish he would just do what he says. For instance, He promises me no facebook but he went on it. 

He has now been of it since I left though.

Will he be able to be the man I want in my life again?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm outta here!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifeneed said:


> I think he is only going to court to scare me back into getting back with him.
> 
> He seemed devastated when I left, almost suicidal.
> 
> ...


Most people would be devastated if their spouse left them. Many feel suicidal. Most people cannot eat for days, lost many lbs of weight, etc. It's a horrible experience. And it was not just you leaving him. You took the twins away from him as well.

So your husband reacts to you abandoning him in a very normal manner and you think there is something wrong with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifeneed said:


> Im not sure what to do.
> 
> I wish he would just do what he says. For instance, He promises me no facebook but he went on it.
> 
> ...


The only way you will find out is if you get back with him and give him a chance.

If you are refusing to reconcile with him then why should be stay off Facebook?

If you get back with him, then you have the right to ask him to do reasonable things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifeneed said:


> he sent me an email wanting to reconcile, then at the end, if I didn't want to come back, he didn't want to tell the kids he didn't fight for them and go to court to see them when they ask later in life.
> 
> I just feel he is going to unsettle them too much. when he did see the kids they cried when they saw him and cried more when he left. He said he wants to see them 2 or 3 days per week. I cant be without them that long.


If you get a divorce you will need to get a job and work long hours. So you will not be able to be with your children all that much.

Plus he is their father. He has as much right to see his children as you do. You do not own the twins.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How any hours a week was he away from home to for work?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

wifeneed said:


> Hello
> 
> The reason why I don't let him have the kids is that he was very depressed and seemed suicidal when I left him.
> 
> He went and got a psych report to show me that he was ok but I don't believe it. The psych did not see him with the kids. I think he will hurt them if he is alone with them.


Do you know why he went so far as to actually obtain a pysch eval?

Because his attorney told him too!!

I think you're in for some pain.


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

He is at home most days, but works from home, takes calls, emails, he has an online business also so he does everything from home.

He goes to court or a conference maybe twice a week for half a day or in the evening.

I work 3 days a week and am on $800 per week he earns around $2500 per week. 

He actually said he got the psych report even after his lawyer told him not too. 

Am I being too harsh with everything?


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## Terri72 (Jan 17, 2013)

wifeneed said:


> He actually always asked me to come, he even took pics from his I pad and emailed them to me at the work places or homes he attended.
> 
> He works with a friend of mine who also denies anything happened. I actually organised the job for him.
> 
> ...


Wow...I am just furious reading this post, at first I thought maybe your husband was up to something, now that I have read all of the posts I can't believe what you have put him thru! You wonder why he is devastated and acting suicidal when his wife leaves him and he can't see his children, omg that is horrible. 

He asks you to come with him, you even arrange some of these meetings, he takes pictures for proof as he knows you are jealous/controlling (whatever it is), he only goes out with friends once every two months...does he have any single brothers, if I were single I would want to meet one!

I know I am sounding sarcastic here but besides going on facebook which he is willing to give up in a heartbeat for you and HIS children, it almost sounds like you do not want him in the first place, you are turned off by him because he was "devastated" I do not hear any compassion.

I am the first to make assumptions that someone is cheating and I see nothing here that indicates it (I stand corrected if I missed something above) I see more control issues if anything on your part, if I can only go by everything in this post I feel horribly sorry for him, I hope he gets to see his kids soon, that is not fair.

I just re-read all of the posts and am feeling sorry for the twins now too.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> *Am I being too harsh with everything?*


What do YOU think?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> He is at home most days, but works from home, takes calls, emails, he has an online business also so he does everything from home.
> 
> He goes to court or a conference maybe twice a week for half a day or in the evening.
> 
> ...


Yes, yes you are.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> He is at home most days, but works from home, takes calls, emails, he has an online business also so he does everything from home.
> 
> He goes to court or a conference maybe twice a week for half a day or in the evening.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifeneed said:


> He is at home most days, but works from home, takes calls, emails, he has an online business also so he does everything from home.
> 
> He goes to court or a conference maybe twice a week for half a day or in the evening.
> 
> ...


So he's at home with you most of the time. But you don't like it when he has to work outside the home. He is the main financial support for you and his children. So he has to go places like to court and to meet clients.

You work outside the home 3 days a week? Who takes care of the twins when you are at work? I mean when the two of you were living together.

Do the two of you put each of your incomes into a joint account and then pay bills out of that account? Or do each of you have your own bank account?

What percentage of the bills did your income go towards? And then what % did his income go towards?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifeneed said:


> Am I being too harsh with everything?


YES!!


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## wifeneed (Apr 1, 2013)

My parents step in to care for the kids. I go there with them if he is at work or not. I don't want to get in the way of him working. 

Our account was joint, but before I separated I had my own account. He was a bit upset about that, as he thought I was going to leave.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

wifeneed said:


> I don't want to get in the way of him working.


But you are fine with getting in the way of him seeing his children?


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

This thread surfaced. I think this might be a troll:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...le-get-her-back-after-filing.html#post1589310
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

As I replied on the other thread, it's usually rather pointless to speculate on the authenticity of a story. If you suspect something, contact a moderator, and/or just ignore it.

Anyway, sounds like two dysfunctional people trying to save a failed relationship that has long since lost any level of trust and mutual respect along with a good oldfashioned dose of "parental alienation" from mom, who is severely damaging her children by depriving them of a relationship with their father for no good reason. 

Nothing to see here but the courthouse.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Can the mods determine if the posters both originate from the same IP address?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

zillard said:


> But you are fine with getting in the way of him seeing his children?


Of course....he is the meal ticket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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