# Caught her Red Handed



## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

What a traumatic week it has been for me. I had been suspecting for the past 2 months now that my wife had been up to no good. I always accused her of cheating on me, and telling her that she didnt love me anymore because or whole relationship had gone into the ****ter. 

We always argued, sex was always mechanical. I knew something was going on, but I didnt have any proof. So for the 2 months, she was very cold and distant. Always wanting to be alone and never sitting with me. Than all of a sudden, I suggested that we go to therapy to work out our issues we have been having. She agreed to go.

We went to the first session and we first discussed this in open with the therapist and she still denied that there was no affair. Than we started getting closer and talking more after a few days. I decided one day to check my suspisions, I watch her do her swipe code to unlock her phone. 

One day I took the phone while she was in the shower and started going through it. Fair enough I found proof. My heart had shatter and my trust was gone. The messages I read were horrid. I confronted her right away about it while she was in the shower. 

She almost **** a brick. I was so mad and embarrassed that she was tramping around with an older guy from her work... She denied anything sexual at all and said they were just sexting. :rofl:

I grabbed my car key from her purse and took off pissed as hell. I immediately told everyone about this horrid act to my ego. Everyone knew and the whole night long she called me 256 times according to the phone bill. 

After a heavy night of drinking till 5am. I went home and smashed all the pictures of us. She showed up moments later, and I told her to get all her **** and get out.

She begged and pleaded me not to go, and said she ****ed up and is so sorry. I went on for the next hour listening to her beg me for another chance. 

Finally I agreed to listen. But not one word did I believe, because they were all lies. She just said they were friends and were messing around.

Speeding up the story, I got her to come clean because 3 days after she came back home I went out to the bar and came home buzzed and woke her up and told her how much I hate her. The next day I went to go meet some girl that I was going ****, but instead of going I texted my wife telling her I ****ed a girl at the bar last night. 

She was pissed. I said why are you mad, you went out cheating on me, so I did the same, only difference was I admitted to it. She bought and told me exactly what they did, no sex just oral. I still dont fully believe her and probably never will. 

We are going to therapy now, and will try to fix the problem. But this has been the worst week of my life. Ive never been with a woman that cheated before, atleast I think so. But to have my wife go out and do that, I have a piece of my chest ripped open, and Im not sure things will ever be the same again. 

All this happened like 8 days ago. Things have really quieted down here for now. But now Im wondering what she hasnt fully told me, and how long will this quiet last before the next storm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?



TomHanks101 said:


> What a traumatic week it has been for me. I had been suspecting for the past 2 months now that my wife had been up to no good. I always accused her of cheating on me, and telling her that she didnt love me anymore because or whole relationship had gone into the ****ter.
> 
> We always argued, sex was always mechanical. I knew something was going on, but I didnt have any proof. So for the 2 months, she was very cold and distant. Always wanting to be alone and never sitting with me. Than all of a sudden, I suggested that we go to therapy to work out our issues we have been having. She agreed to go.


I’m confused. You say that you always accused her of cheating. Do you mean that you have been accusing her of cheating throughout your entire marriage?

Do you also mean that sex has always been mechanical through your entire marriage?

Just trying to understand what you wrote.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Did she stop talking to him yet?

Does she still work with him?

Why did she cheat?

Wondering what she hasn't told you? I would guess there was a lot more than just one time of oral. I would guess that they had pretty easy access to each other, so would have had sex for pretty much the duration. The old guy wasn't in it for love, he wanted the sex.

I guess it will stay quiet until the next time you find out she is still cheating with this old guy from work.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If You decide to R---she MUST quit her job, all her electronics are to be available to you at any time----THERE IS NO PRIVACY IN A MGE

She does all the heavy lifting to get back into the mge---if she can't do these things---tell her D is on the table immediately


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sorry but there's more to come


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How long have the two of you been married?
> 
> 
> I’m confused. You say that you always accused her of cheating. Do you mean that you have been accusing her of cheating throughout your entire marriage?
> ...


I accused her of cheating the whole 2 months she was fooling around with this guy. Sex dried up a while ago. We have been togehter for almost 3 years now. Only Married about 18 months now.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Did she stop talking to him yet?
> *As far as I know she has, but who knows for sure.*
> 
> Does she still work with him?
> ...





jnj express said:


> If You decide to R---she MUST quit her job, all her electronics are to be available to you at any time----THERE IS NO PRIVACY IN A MGE
> *She doesnt want to do that. Im not sure if I can make her quit her job over something like this.*
> 
> She does all the heavy lifting to get back into the mge---if she can't do these things---tell her D is on the table immediately





Headspin said:


> Sorry but there's more to come


*As far as what?*

Basically both parties were caught. His wife caught him but not on the level that I did. Recently she has bought an increase in sex toys, and last night she asked me to bang her in the ass, which I did. 

I just have this whole world of images in my head of what she was really doing with this guy. 

Basically we are going to counseling and the therapist who I have known for a bunch of years and is pretty decent says that this happened because of the state of our marriage was in. But that also doesnt excess this at all.

We didnt bother spending much time together, I work alot, and when I was home I would sit around drinking, and she always hated that the whole time that we were together. We grew distant, she started over thinking everything in our relationship, I was bouncing around from Job to job because I lost my business last year do to factors beyond my control.

She says that they always only met for a little bit after work in their parking lot of work. Or they would go out shopping together in target or walmart. She said they sexted all the time, but when they would meet up it wouldnt get to physical. It was more of a therapy for her that turned into something more. 

My whole family knows about this, and they say that I should do what is in my heart. My therapist says that it will take time to build this relationship back up. 

I always said that I would leave someone if they ever cheated on me. But I have never actually been in love, and than had this happen, so Its a different story altogether now. 

It still hurts me on the inside, and although I still am in love with her, I question myself, if I can actually be with someone who does this sort of thing.

She swears that it is over. But I dont know. I have her phone tapped and she doesnt know it. But with the level of deceit over the past 2 months who knows if there are other phones, and there are always other forms of communicating. 

I told her this behavior is comlpletly not acceptable and that there are consequences for actions like this. I took her car from her for good now. She is forced to drive her dads car. I took all the money and hide it in a safe place.

The last week has been horrible for me. I would wake her up to tell her that I hate her, and hate that she did this, and I am disquested with this whole situation.

I am planning on consulting a lawyer about this, because if there is anymore weirdness going on with her, for my own sake I will have to leave. I have never been more hurt and embarrassed in my life, and I dont deserve this type of abuse.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

If she cheating this early in the marriage then you need to make an exit plan. The 7 year itch is one thing, a year and a half is a major problem. If you don't have any kids do yourself a favor and get out (or R for a few years until you catch her cheating again). 

Also work on your coping skills, kinda went a little nuts there with the drinking and all. We can't control our emotions but we can control our actions.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

First off a critisism. You will need to be aware that making out that you had sex with another could, if this whole things goes t*ts up be fired back at you. Legal people love the double standards arguments and could make it look like your were in fact a cheat prior. You will need to get this across that youve played your W to get the truth.

Now to business. A good STI check is needed for your AND more importantly for your W. This will hit home just how serious this is. It may further trigger more revalations because I suspect as has been already stated, she will deliver the admission is small abmounts hoping you will not keep digging. Therefore KEEP DIGGING !

You seem to know the guy, does he have a partner? Is this partner aware that sexual events have occured and is the partner going to be happy to have to have an STI check as well? I think not, so the presure can continue by almost remote control.

The advice that you W breaks all contact is right. However, tryig to get a new job in these dismal days is difficult and her betrayl may cost you financially if she gives up work. You will need to think that through carefully.

The boundries need to be drawn by you and instilled by you. Your W will need 2 options if you wish to go through R. Follow the rules or leave. No one here can make that call only you. and at the moment you are hurting, angry and want some form of revenge. 
All very natural.
The communications she has used to arrange things with this guy need to be open to you with full un-edited access . Beaware of them taking their communication underground with things like new email addresses, PAYG cells etc. 
Become somewhat unpredictable. You will be home at 7 be there at 5. Your going somewhere on a certain day - set out, come back without leaving the area. Make it difficult for your W to arrange things untill you feel comfortable.

As they work together many companys these days get rather upset when their good name is brought into disrepute by the actions of its employees. They may have conditions of employmment that make reference to "fraternization"by its employees, especially when some sexual activites may have taken place in the storeroom etc.
This is another way to turn the control in your favour.
Do not say what your going to do about anything else this will give time for cover stories to be put in place.

And consider getting some legal advice. Its better to know just how far you can push the envalope before you cause yourself any legal issues. 

Stay off the booze. Alchohol and hurt feelings like this are like nuclear devices. When they mix even the innocent can be effected. And agin this will mean that you remain in control of the situation in a more appropriate way. Beside if youve annouced it all around, your W is going to start to get the backlash from the gossips.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> *As far as what?*
> 
> Basically both parties were caught. His wife caught him but not on the level that I did. Recently she has bought an increase in sex toys, and *last night she asked me to bang her in the ass*, which I did.


And where do you think she suddenly got this idea?

If your wife still sees the OM (Other Man) the affair is not over, it's dormant. 
If she won't leave her job after having an affair, then her job is more important than your marriage.
If they had oral multiple times - THIS WAS NOT an emotional affair (EA), it was a physical one (PA).

I agree with Headspin, you don't really have the full truth yet. Have you asked for a Timeline of the affair? When & where did they meet, etc? You'll find it hard if not impossible to come to terms with this without one.

Go see a lawyer. Find out where you stand.


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

Well, that's messed up. I hope you are feeling better. I think you should concentrate more on your sanity and try not to obsess about what she is hiding or not telling you. Everything will reveal itself in time. Take your time to make the decision whether you want to stay in the marriage or not.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What do you know about her lover ?

Is he her boss ?

Can you expose them at work ?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

I do not see the potential here. This one is done. Your wife is awful. You sound like an alcoholic. The two together, combined with finding out she is fu**ing a guy at work seals the deal. 
Your marriage is over and you need to work on yourself. If you want a marriage to work you need honesty and she is not giving it to you. Only oral multiple times..? You would have to be a fool to buy that. 
Got herself a bunch of toys and wants it in the azz. Only a fool sees this as a coincidence.
She is still working with him... That must be good for you to deal with. You have to be a fool to think they are not talking to one another. Remember that they are together because they are not happy at home. Yuu think they are happy at home after exposure..? No they are worse than before, so at least they have each other at work to escape the reality of their home lives.
You want to work this out? Why? You are not willing to force her to do what is necessary. You allow her to go back to the office and be with him. 

I am not saying this to bash you. I am pointing out the obvious.
You need to wake up. I certainly feel terrible for you and in no way does anyone deserve this. At some point you need to realize that she is trash. You need to leave the trash at the curb. At bare minimum if you are set on trying to work it out, then you need to force no contact from her with the OM, you need to expose them at work and with all people you know. You need to compare stories with his wife and let her know what you know for sure and what you have been told by your WW.
You need to tell your wife she is scheduled for a polygraph and have your list of questions typed up and ready for her. She will confess all of it before getting hooked up to a machine if she has the bare minimum of human guilt in her for what she has done to your marriage. 
You need to work on yourself big time. I mean health man. Put the damn bottle down and get to a gym. Use this horrible experience to strengthen your body and mind so you will be too strong to put up with any more disrespect from your W or anyone else. With your marriage as young as it is, I do not see the point of even bothering with her. That is your decision and I wish you the best of luck with what ever you do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She has to quit her job , no option about that. 

If she has any mutual friends with the OM, they go to.

I'd suggest a polygraph test for her.

You mention sex toys etc that just arrived in her life. Is this stuff she bought for the OM?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Either divorce her now or make some boundaries.

Stop the booze. She needs to get a different job, yes. She needs to give you complete access to her phone, computer, etc.

She needs to write you a timeline of the affair and go NC with the POSOM.

Give her the divorce papers now. Maybe she will wake up from the affair fog.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

I don't believe a word she says still. I know she got the idea of analysis from fifty shades of Grey book. 

This just sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Way too early in the relationship for her to be pulling this crap. I would ask her to submit to a polygraph concerning the sexual stuff. It is the only way you will find out the truth. But you should assume it was full on intercourse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> I don't believe a word she says still. I know she got the idea of analysis from fifty shades of Grey book.
> 
> This just sucks.


I'm sure it does. Have you read this?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

It'll help get your head around what you're going through.

Going to counselling without the full picture of the affair is a waste of time and money. You've had a few suggestions to help you. This a marriage-friendly forum, even though it might not seem so. 

Make the right moves now to give yourself a chance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Way too early in the relationship for her to be pulling this crap. I would ask her to submit to a polygraph concerning the sexual stuff. It is the only way you will find out the truth. But you should assume it was full on intercourse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*From the cheaters mantra of "trickle-truthing," you can most assuredly bet your sweet ass that it was, indeed, full-on, mutually participative intercourse, with absolutely no thoughts of you while it was either being done over at the rat-bastard's dwelling or at some local motel.

Since you have no kids with her, I'd recommend "getting the hell out of Dodge" much sooner than later! This divorce will be cheap ~ wait for kids, and you will go down into the crapper!

For your own personal sanity and peace of mind, just leave this cheating skank high and dry immediately! Divorce her! There's someone out there who will cherish you and absolutely love you for the man you are!*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Add to a this the fact that she offered you anal sex. Was this the first time for you and her? Bet it was not the first time for her. I would imagine she offered to you something she was giving him regularly as a way to keep her hooks in you. Don't fall for it. She's going to pull out all the stops to keep you around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

I have had analysis before with her. My therapist says no matter what. I still need therapy. I am internally conflicted. I just asked her to change her job and take a polygraph test. If she doesn't do this I'm not sure I will continue. 

I'm not stupid I know they were up to no good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

She has had sex with the OM (not just oral). Possible used the toys she has bought and also did the things she is now asking you to do. She is a full blown cheater. There may have been some emotional aspect from her point of view but for the older OM this was free, no strings attached sex.

Once you have accepted this the next is you need to fix yourself. Stop being so accepting of this and get off the booze, start working out and do a 180 on her to heal yourself. There is also some recommended reading available on this site which will help. This needs to be done whatever you decide to do going forward.

Initiate D and ask her to get STI tested asap to drive home the severity of what she has done. Secure your finances and protect yourself. You can always pull the D papers at the last minute if you want to.

The OM has to be thrown to the wolves in terms of exposure. In fact, so does your WW - family and possibly work (both of them).

If you are thinking of R, there can be no discussion with her with regard to her leaving this job or even having any say in this - either she complies, demonstrates true remorse and does the heavy lifting so to speak, or else there is nothing salvageable in this marriage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Were the sex toys still in the packaging (new)?
Had you seen or used them before your wife showed them to you?

If they were not new then she had bought them for use with OM or HE bought them and used them during their hook ups. She probably had them because he did not want his wife to find them.

BTW - you said his wife found out but not to the extent that you have found. You should contact his wife and tell her everything you have found. She deserves to know what an ass her husband is.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

I asked her to take a polygraph and she said yes. I have stopped drinking to the extent I used to over this. 

Where can I get a polygraph test done? 

If she is telling the truth I will allow one more shot. We were happy at one time. If we can fix this and be happy again even if it's for another couple years it will be worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Google polygraph and your city.

Prices vary and most allow only a small number of questions. (3-4)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TomHanks101 said:


> I asked her to take a polygraph and she said yes. I have stopped drinking to the extent I used to over this.
> 
> Where can I get a polygraph test done?
> 
> ...


*Breaking news! She is likely going to fail that polygraph test. So are you setting yourself up to forgive her if that occurs? If so, where is the honor in cheating, lying, and passing along STD's?

All of us BS's were happy in our own marriages up until Point B ~ "Betrayal!" As early as you are into your marriage, this is likely going to happen again when her wayward genes starts surveying the landscape for her OM, with whom she'll likely take the relationship underground, or some other future "Stage Door Johnny!"

Reconciliation is an option here, but the odds are prohibitively not in your favor!*


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> I asked her to take a polygraph and she said yes. I have stopped drinking to the extent I used to over this.
> 
> Where can I get a polygraph test done?
> 
> ...


Really ? Even if she gave him blow jobs ? Really ?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Breaking news! She is likely going to fail that polygraph test. So are you setting yourself up to forgive her if that occurs? If so, where is the honor in cheating, lying, and passing along STD's?
> 
> All of us BS's were happy in our own marriages up until Point B ~ "Betrayal!" As early as you are into your marriage, this is likely going to happen again when her wayward genes starts surveying the landscape for her OM, with whom she'll likely take the relationship underground, or some other future "Stage Door Johnny!"
> 
> Reconciliation is an option here, but the odds are prohibitively not in your favor!*


This is spot on. You of course hate to hear it, but it is 100% correct. She will most likely do this again. You are setting the standards for yourself much too low IMO. Happy before or not, you should by all accounts leave now.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

TomHanks101 said:


> no sex just oral.


"I did not have sex with that woman"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TomHanks101 said:


> Our relationship was in the ****ter big time. I would come home and drink from work right away, and we had some money problems awhile back.
> 
> I would wake her up to tell her that I hate her, and hate that she did this, and I am disgusted with this whole situation.
> 
> ...


Or could it be that you lost your business because you're an alcoholic and couldn't devote enough mental and physical energy to it? The same way you didn't devote anything to the marriage?

Not excusing her actions, but you clearly were not meeting any of her needs. What are you doing now to change that, aside from dragging her to IC?

And you stopped drinking 'to the extent that you used to? So how many drinks/beers a night is it now?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> If we can fix this and be happy again even if it's for another couple years it will be worth it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



tomhanks, This is called rug sweeping. You are already giving yourself an excuse to forgive her.

Look over a 19 year period ( 14 married ) I forgave my wife 4 times for her affairs or attempted affairs. In the end she left and I wanted to kill myself.. I didn't care we had 2 boys. 

The 2nd or the 3rd and especially the 4th were not easier.. They were harder to deal with.

What I can tell you is that if you really want this to work, you will have to be in therapy for the rest of your marriage.. I'm not saying every day or every week but even after you think it's over, you will still and should go in for maintenance every few months. 

I say that because I believe that if me and the ex did we might still be married today.. We went in for a year and then stopped thinking things were better. 

Look today things are 1000 percent better for me. I have the kids and I am almost divorced.. She will probably end up paying me child support.. But it took me a year to get here and I had a lot of support from friends, family and co workers..

Trust me either choice isn't easy..


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> tomhanks, This is called rug sweeping. You are already giving yourself an excuse to forgive her.
> 
> Look over a 19 year period ( 14 married ) I forgave my wife 4 times for her affairs or attempted affairs. In the end she left and I wanted to kill myself.. I didn't care we had 2 boys.


Sorry to hear about your misfortune. I know how impactful the cheating can be, when you put your heart and trust into someone.

Did it give you ED or anxiety in your life or behind your erections?



Hardtohandle said:


> The 2nd or the 3rd and especially the 4th were not easier.. They were harder to deal with.
> 
> What I can tell you is that if you really want this to work, you will have to be in therapy for the rest of your marriage.. I'm not saying every day or every week but even after you think it's over, you will still and should go in for maintenance every few months.
> 
> ...


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

I know she is lying still. Well I already forgave her for what she told me so far. Yes true I'm an alcoholic and wasn't doing the right thing with dealing with my own issues. She always asked to stop and that it hurts her when drunk. I took advantage of her. But that still doesn't make what she did right. 

I can do better but the question is do want to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

I meant to say do I want to try and find better. Basically what I have been reading about this is the cheating began because something was missing in our relationship. We both have issues. I have addiction issues and she has personal issues. Everyone is saying leave her now. But isn't there a chance that it can work out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

1) She comes completely clean about the extent of the affair and all the details;

2) She take a lie detector test to confirm #1;

3). She quits her job and cuts off all contact with her affair partner forever; 

4). She comes clean to family and friends about what she did;

5). You and her attend marriage counseling. 

If these basic requirements are not met by her then see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TomHanks101 said:


> I meant to say do I want to try and find better. Basically what I have been reading about this is the cheating began because something was missing in our relationship. We both have issues. I have addiction issues and she has personal issues. Everyone is saying leave her now. But isn't there a chance that it can work out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dont look for anyone until you fix your addiction! Why do that to another woman?? Yes you BOTH have issues, and YES there is a chance that you can work this out. But YOU are going to need to make some big time changes, and she is going to have to be willing to own up to her side and do work as well. Why would she WANT to do the work if you are going to continue being an alcoholic?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Only three years of marriage and she's already spread her legs. Sorry man It's time to go. I can tell you are on the fence and if you have a hope of recovering this marriage you'd need total confidence. I don't think she's really sorry I think she is just hanging in there till this all blows over. Again you have not been married that long. It's not like it has been a ten year marriage where you have alot invested. Trust me on this leave her and find someone you won't constantly have to monitor.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TomHanks101 said:


> I meant to say do I want to try and find better. Basically what I have been reading about this is the cheating began because something was missing in our relationship. We both have issues. I have addiction issues and she has personal issues. Everyone is saying leave her now. But isn't there a chance that it can work out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not saying to leave her. I see her having an exit affair because what she DID have was worth leaving. If you can (1) get her on board for working hard to make up for the cheating but also (2) YOU working hard to change what YOU bring to the marriage, you two can have the relationship you had back when you were dating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And stop waking her up at night to tell her what a POS she is.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

think she wanted an exit affair but it didn't work out with her new guy. Now she is back to reality and she was caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

our therapist says that there is a chance we can work this out but it's not going to be easy and it's going to be hard work. So we are both willing to go. I was going to start cheating on her anyway. I made made that decision the day before I caught her. But when I found the proof reality set in that this **** is just just about over. We both agreed that we would try and work it out. But she is cut off on finances for now and is driving her dad's car around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> our therapist says that there is a chance we can work this out but it's not going to be easy and it's going to be hard work. So we are both willing to go. I was going to start cheating on her anyway. I made made that decision the day before I caught her. But when I found the proof reality set in that this **** is just just about over. We both agreed that we would try and work it out. But she is cut off on finances for now and is driving her dad's car around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Work on what? Both of you need to be completely different then either of you are or have been during your marriage. So you are going to completely change, so is she, and then the two new people left standing are going to be inlove and want to remain married...?
Sorry...nope.. You two need to become better people independent of one another. you should D get the IC the both of you need and then and only then start dating again if you wish.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you different from who you are when you were dating?


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

Yes we both are different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In what ways?


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

She has become more independent and I have become more drunk. Lol. I don't know. We both are just different. Lots of stress over the last year money. She moved back into her parents house. I started driving tractor trailers around the country and Andre whole relationship just fell apart. As soon as she got a good full time job I quit my job and did not much had money in bank and started drinking and smoking weed alot more than normal. She wanted me to get a real job and would tell her (what for) I I got money why should I work. And I guess that is is where all the issues started? She started taking new pills too which probally helped full this affair along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. Frankly, at this point, I'm surprised she's even still with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires and both of you fill them out and then share with each other. It's a fair bet that you not only stopped meeting any of her ENs, but that your LBs were outnumbering them two to one.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

TomHanks101 said:


> She has become more independent and I have become more drunk. Lol. I don't know. We both are just different. Lots of stress over the last year money. She moved back into her parents house. I started driving tractor trailers around the country and Andre whole relationship just fell apart. *As soon as she got a good full time job I quit my job and did not much had money in bank and started drinking and smoking weed alot more than normal. She wanted me to get a real job and would tell her (what for) I I got money why should I work. And I guess that is is where all the issues started?* She started taking new pills too which probally helped full this affair along.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dear TomHanks101,

You have so many problems, one hardly knows how to begin to giving you advice but, here goes:

1) Forget about your WW's infidelity for now and concentrate on fixing yourself. Stop drinking and using drugs (sign up for AA), get counseling to help you figure out why you became such a loser (because, right now, sorry, that's what you are) and get a job that allows you to have a more normal life (i.e., one that doesn't keep you on the road, away from home, a lot of the time). Work on becoming a more responsible and dependable person. _This your most pressing need right now._

2) In the meantime, just accept that what your WW did, while wrong, was not surprising. You were hardly the kind of man that a woman would want to be with. I wouldn't forgive her for what she's done (forgiveness requires a lot of things that she's not done, like being totally honest and remorseful). But stop beating her up over it. What would probably be best for the both of you would be to separate for now so that you can work on your respective issues.

3) If, in six months or a year (it will take that long at the very least) you have your act more or less together, talk to her about what the two of you want out of life. If you both have a _strong_ desire to get back together and try to make it work, fine, give it a shot. But, if one of you has _any_ doubts, move on. You're both young and have both made _big_ mistakes. Don't throw good money after bad (so to speak) trying to make something work unless you are both _totally_ committed. Understand that recovering from infidelity is very difficult, takes years and requires a lot more maturity than either of you seem to have at present. Understand tthat you both might be better off looking for other partners (_after_ you've gotten your sh*t together).

Good luck.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Were the sex toys still in the packaging (new)?
> Had you seen or used them before your wife showed them to you?
> 
> If they were not new then she had bought them for use with OM or HE bought them and used them during their hook ups. She probably had them because he did not want his wife to find them.
> ...


That and it was more then just oral. Why do you think WW asked you for anal for the first time? She did it with the OM and likes it now.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Tomhanks

Are you fvcking kidding me ? Is this a joke or a troll thread ?

You don't want to work, you have 2 substance problems and you wonder why she cheated ?? 

Talk about blame shifting.. 

My man, grow the fvck up and get a reality check.. 

This is fvcking life, there isn't a rewind button here.. 

Its not star trek or the future where everyone is taken care of and no one is starving or worrying about where they will live.. 

In today's reality you have to work and pay bills and sadly you do that until you die.. Somewhere in there you squeeze in a few vacations and raise some kids and pray they grow up better then you.. But other than that, this is life.. Welcome to it..

You want to be a grown man, sit around the house, do sh1t, smoke weed and get drunk and not help out your family and then wonder what is missing from your marriage ?

I will tell you what is missing from your marriage.. 

*It is YOU...*

Dude the coach just called and said tighten up your chin strap and get in the game..

Should she have cheated ? ABSOLUTELY NOT... 

She should have never gotten married to you knowing all of this.. She is a fool for thinking she would fix you or you might change..

Dude you have serious issues and need to step correct before blaming someone else.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Sorry to hear about your misfortune. I know how impactful the cheating can be, when you put your heart and trust into someone.
> 
> Did it give you ED or anxiety in your life or behind your erections?


Actually I always suffered from something called retarded ejaculation. I never knew what it was until a few months ago..

So I am just the opposite. 

I was more stressed over dating, but I have come to figure out that woman in their 40s and especially those with children are just looking for a normal man to be with.. They are tired of the stories and the games.. 

If anything I have come discover they are mistrusting at first because they think I am a player because I have a job, some money and a home.. 

To keep this back on this thread.. My current GF left her husband because he was an alcoholic. 

He has been sober for about 1 year now and she has no intentions of going back, or at least she tells me. But honestly I wouldn't care or at least not show her I did and I know she is too afraid of losing me to someone else.. I'm just too ****y and confident now and she knows it.. 

But she never cheated on her husband.. She just left him..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TomHanks101 said:


> She has become more independent


She had to. Like most women, she waited and waited for you to grow up and be a provider...and you didn't. So she gave up waiting and became independent so she didn't have to rely on you any more.

Do you love her?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Actually I always suffered from something called retarded ejaculation. I never knew what it was until a few months ago..
> 
> So I am just the opposite.
> 
> ...


Great that you gave fourty year old ladies their props.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TomHanks, you're probably feeling pretty beat up right now. I hope you understand that we're trying to give you the advice you need, if you want this marriage to succeed. There are certain cases where you have to acknowledge your part in the story, and this is one of them. She must care about you, or she wouldn't have stayed around this long. Use that knowledge to reassess your relationship.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

Your last post should have been your first post. Your wife cheating on you is the least of your problems. You're lucky she's still around.

You need to find a real job. Stop smoking weed. Stop drinking. Then worry about the wife.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

Whoa, now everyone bashing on me.

First of all, you guys must have missed the part where I said, I got money. I got assets in place and still paid 90 percent of the bills. I stopped drving a truck because my wife finally got a job after not having one for 3 years that I knew her. So I didnt have to keep spending all my money to cover her share of living.

Yeah I have never had a job so to say, always worked for myself. Always will. 

I may have been drinking in excess, and I smoke weed because its my right as an American in this Obama nation. 

Even still I do believe I should look past this event with my wife, we still live together, and Its not the first time that I have given it to her in the ass.

Lately she has been really horned up, which is good. But I still am having issues trusting this person. I have already asked her to separate, but she wont go. She wants to fix our issues. 

I guess I have been a lousy husband to her, and deserve this embarrassment I got. 

Although she went out and found the polygraph person for me to schedule the appointment with, I doubt she will follow through. I told her tonight, if there is one thing that I learned from this whole situation, cheating is ok, as long as you dont get caught.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You haven't mentioned much about why your old lady made the choice to decieve you instead of just bailing?

I'm just looking at the future here and all the lie detector test in the world won't change the fact that if craps starts to go down hill in 5 or 10 yeasr she doesn't start up again?

What is your old lady going to do to affair proof the marriage and what preventive maintence is she going to have in place when this "need" comes back? 

In short what tools will be in place to prevent this from happening again?

Hell maybe next time her excuse will be " your to smothering and you don't want to go out drinking any more"


Sure you have your issues but at least you can count on being honest...your old lady on the other hand has to take a long hard look at what she has become...and what it will take to rebuild what she tore up not onlt for her self but in her future relationships..be it with you or the next guy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TomHanks101 said:


> I got money. I got assets in place and still paid 90 percent of the bills.


You don't get women, do you? You got a payoff, so you became an alcoholic, addict couch potato and lived off the money you were given.

Not attractive.

Do you know what a typical woman's #1 EN is? To marry a man _who provides and protects_. Just because someone gave you money doesn't make you a provider.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TomHanks101 said:


> Whoa, now everyone bashing on me.


Sometimes people need a good kick in their back side… 


TomHanks101 said:


> First of all, you guys must have missed the part where I said, I got money. I got assets in place and still paid 90 percent of the bills. I stopped drving a truck because my wife finally got a job after not having one for 3 years that I knew her. So I didnt have to keep spending all my money to cover her share of living.


So you have saving and assets and you are eating through them, saying drunk and stone? How many years can you live off of these assets/money? Do you own a house? Can you raise children off this income of yours?



TomHanks101 said:


> Yeah I have never had a job so to say, always worked for myself. Always will.


Job or work for yourself.. that’s not what folks are talking about. They are talking about you spending a long period of time drunk, stoned and non-productive. This is extremely un-attractive in a guy. Once a person gets into this mode it gets harder and harder to ever go back to being productive.

Just telling ya what most women think. It’s not so much the money, it’s the being non-productive. 

I divorced my ex for exactly this. He did not drink or smoke. But he became just fine with him spending all day playing computer games while I went to work, working long hours at a demanding job. Who needs a guy like that?


TomHanks101 said:


> I may have been drinking in excess, and I smoke weed because its my right as an American in this Obama nation.


Actually in this “Obama nation”, smoking weed is illegal. Obama, the drug user, believes that other should be arrested, prosecuted and sent to jail for what he did. So no it’s not your right. 

People who drink too much are alcoholics. They are very hard to live with. Their behaviors cause serious breakdowns in marriages. Should you ever have children, your children will most likely be seriously emotionally scared by your excessive drinking.

Having a stoned out, drunk, non-functional husband is a HUGE downer. Any woman who is emotionally healthy would leave. Love does not cure all. Love is not enough. 
You seriously need to take care of your own problems before you can fix your marriage.


TomHanks101 said:


> Even still I do believe I should look past this event with my wife, we still live together, and Its not the first time that I have given it to her in the ass.
> 
> Lately she has been really horned up, which is good. But I still am having issues trusting this person. I have already asked her to separate, but she wont go. She wants to fix our issues.
> 
> I guess I have been a lousy husband to her, and deserve this embarrassment I got.


If you really want to fix your marriage, there are two books that will help quite a bit, “Surviving an Affair” and “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley. If the two of you read them together and then do the work that books suggest you might make it.



TomHanks101 said:


> Although she went out and found the polygraph person for me to schedule the appointment with, I doubt she will follow through. I told her tonight, if there is one thing that I learned from this whole situation, cheating is ok, as long as you dont get caught.


Polygraphs are wrong about 25% of the time. So even if she takes one you will not know if she told the truth or if the machine failed. The only thing that they are good for is parking lot confessions when the subject is not aware of how inaccurate they are. 
I would not waste my money on one. Nor would I ever take one.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

Yeah, I dont think that I will go through with the test either. If things go downhill again, Im sure she will bail. Im pretty sure if this other guy really wanted to, they would have run off into the sunset together. lol

But yeah, really Im not a drunk on the couch. I came home after driving OTR for 6 months straight. I won 2 of my lawsuites and I have been taking it easy. But I still was working. Dont get me wrong, Its not like I was sitting on the couch all day doing nothing, I was going to the gym, and working as a salesman for a company, and that didnt pan out to good. So I left that job and got involved in home improvements about 3 months after I stopped driving OTR.

OTR is a **** life, you live like a pig, and just drive and eat all day, everyday. It was not what I wanted to do at all, just to do it long enough so that If I had to I could float for a year or so looking for work at home. Even than I have assets that cover about 60 percent of my monthly bills, so I could work a bull**** job while looking for better work. I was even going enroll back into college, but that would have been too tough to do at the moment.

We love each other, but it has been a rough marriage from the start. Neither one of us should have gotten married to begin with, but we werent thinking clear and didnt really care. Now here we are closing in on 3 years together and are like, wtf are we doing, what do we want out of this marriage, etc.

Outlook is glum on this for me. Its alot of work that is going to be invloved to repair this marriage. Lots of therapy and who knows what will be down the road.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Are you throwing in the towel? 

R takes commitment from both spouses and it is hard. It could take a very long time. If either of you are not 100% sure, just walk away now.


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## TomHanks101 (Oct 11, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Are you throwing in the towel?


Why would you say that. Im sitting on the fence man, I dont know what I want anymore. 

This whole deal has been painful for me, and now Im starting to think that I have just been a horrid husband here. Not that it justifies anything she did, but no one is perfect, hell I went out the other night to bang some chick just to get back at her.

I always said that if something like this ever happened I would just say to hell with this, your a cheater and I cant be with you.

Now that it has actually happened, I havent done what I always preached I would do. 

I still have feelings for my wife, but I feel violated, betrayed and more. When i look at her I still love her, but I dont trust her anymore. 

Im thinking my drinking cause us to grow differently and help to destroy our marriage. 

I threw her out of the house originally but she just kept coming back, finally I just let her stay to see if we can work this out. I still to this day am telling her to get out, but she wont go. She begs and pleads me not to. And I can say no to her, but feel as if I should give this a second go.

You know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. So if this happens again, I dont think I can continue. 

She is working hard to improve our marriage, and I have stopped drinking pretty much. So idk...


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Why not try again, she may have been right about the old you, but now you may change the two of you could have a chance.

But you will need a lot of talking, boundaries and discipline. Both.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No need to make a decision yet. She clearly wants to stay. You can leave later, if it doesn't work out. Get both of you into therapy, go back to school, even if it's just a certification course. Start exercising more. And start spending at least 15 hours a week together doing fun stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want work on your marriage, get the books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you read them together and do the work they say to do.

They will go a long way to kick-start your marriage in the right direction if both of you put in the effort.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your idea of getting off the road and finding a job locally makes a lot of sense. It's an opportunity to change your life style in a positive way. But that money will run out. As hard as it is, job hunting should be a full time job.

Going back to school might actually be a good idea. You might be able to get federal financial aid to help out. 

What kind of things would you be interested in?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

TomHanks101 said:


> I accused her of cheating the whole 2 months she was fooling around with this guy. Sex dried up a while ago. We have been togehter for almost 3 years now. *Only Married about 18 months now.*






TomHanks101 said:


> Why would you say that. Im sitting on the fence man, I dont know what I want anymore.
> 
> This whole deal has been painful for me, and now Im starting to think that I have just been a horrid husband here. Not that it justifies anything she did, but no one is perfect, hell *I went out the other night to bang some chick just to get back at her.*
> 
> ...


It's a short marriage.

She's cheating. And you too.

I dont even know if this is a marriage...


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## KnuckleDown (Oct 14, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> If we can fix this and be happy again even if it's for another couple years it will be worth it.


I don't get this. For a couple years? A lot can happen in that time, and that could include kids which would complicate things tremendously in the event something like this happens again.

There is more than one person out there for everyone. You're listening to trickle-truths and lies so far from her, and that's not a good sign but it's to be expected. 

If this is going to survive it's going to need more commitment from you AND her than it sounds like either of you are ready to give right now, but that's just what I'm gathering from what I'm reading. 

Lots of people telling you to get away, and get away fast. This is way early in a relationship to be dealing with this, and statistics show it's likely to happen again.

You don't want to be five years down the road and realize you made a horrible mistake here. Think about what you have, what you're willing to put up with, and how much work it will take to fix this. It will NOT be easy. Not in the slightest. You have no kids. If you weren't so emotionally wrecked right now it would be easy to see, but I guess that's always the problem.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have admitted to your addictions. Good first step. You are really lucky to have Turnera, Elegirl and others kicking your virtual rear end. They are as good as professional therapists and do it to help for free.

Write short letter apologizing to your wife for failing her. Don't give to her because words are cheap. Read it every morning and every night. Give yourself a grade. Make sure you have at least a B average.

Start producing endogenous morphine. Take it everyday. 

Read GutPunch's thread. Also, Bagdon. 

Obama is a no good liar who smoked a lot of weed in his youth, but he is not responsible for you not going to college.

Don't look down upon your wife for initiating anal sex. She wanted to do something special for you. If you treat her like a depraved woman, she may give what you wish for.

You are young. There is hope.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## KnuckleDown (Oct 14, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> Why would you say that. Im sitting on the fence man, I dont know what I want anymore.


You seem to not know what you want, yes, that much is clear.



> Im thinking my drinking cause us to grow differently and help to destroy our marriage.


That is the smartest thing you've said here. Your thinking seems really cloudy. Some of that is expected due to what happened, but lots of it seems alcohol and/or drug related.

The only way you can be sure it's NOT alcohol is to stop drinking. I had the same problem in many of my relationships. When my wife and I started going out, I stopped smoking weed. I needed to know if the issues I always had were due to weed or if they were just me. Turns out it was 80% weed, 20% me. Since then, I have just had to deal with the "me" part. That's tough enough without the rest of it pulling you down. A lot of your thinking really seems substance-clouded. You can't make good decisions under the influence, and remember the "influence" persists a couple days after you drink as well. It's a depressant. It affects everything.


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## KnuckleDown (Oct 14, 2013)

Oh, and maybe we can cut all the political BS as well? (BS in this case not meaning Betrayed Spouse)

There are other forums for that.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Any updates?


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

TH101, From what I have read and the extent of damage she has done, so early in the marriage, is not good. 90% of the people here are telling you to walk away from this. It's ugly and will only get worse. Being an alcoholic does not make you a cheater, it just means you have an addiction issue. She has the problem. For me anyone who touches my wife in a sensual, sexual way, can have her. I want nothing to do with her. She does not have that special right anymore. I won't tell you to walk away, but if you don't have kids, then there is no point of repairing a home, without a solid foundation. Look deep inside and tell yourself you deserve better. We all do, in this situation. Good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

TomHanks101 said:


> *As far as what?*
> 
> and last night she asked me to bang her in the ass, which I did.
> QUOTE]
> ...


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