# New member, considering separation for over 2 years



## katwoman (Aug 4, 2014)

I wanted to find an avenue to get some feedback so I hope someone out there can help. I have been married for over 13 years, dated for 7 before getting married. We have a 7 y.o.

Within the first two years of being married, I considered getting an annulment because my husband had made promises about getting a job and being a partner and all he did was sit at home on the couch. He moved into the home I had bought on my own and had no expenses/contributions to the household bills and very little to maintaining it either. After a big blow out and telling him I wanted a divorce he finally got a job, which I had sent his resume to. He kept that job for 5 years up until I went back to work after our child was born.

Once we had a child, our agreement was that he would stay home until we enrolled our son in school. That was nearly 3 years ago and he hasn't even looked for anything. I have sent him job leads and reminded him that he needs to get back to work, he doesn't even have enough SS credits to get anything when he retires. I have been working FT this entire relationship and carrying all the expenses for all of us. I have a very good job that pays enough to cover the family expenses, but I don't think it's fair to me to pay for his "fun money" and him to take my car and burn gas and not even make an effort to put something back for what he uses up. My anger and feeling like a paycheck has been building.

Recently, my son has been going thru some issues also. He had a really rough year in school and I had some big medical issues that had him worried about me. Hubby rides him about some really dumb stuff like the clothes he picks to wear and barely takes him outside. My son has asked me to get him a new daddy. I started to discuss getting a pet for him with my husband. It was not a popular subject with hubby because it would involve work to care for a pet and he said he didn't want to have to do it. I told him I would take care of it and we went back and forth between a puppy/kitten. Finally I found a puppy that I thought would be good, but he was a couple states away. When I told my husband he said he would go with us and he would drive. He met the puppy and played with him and petted him and I thought all was well.

Well, sometime within 48 hours of bringing the dog home, he went from liking the dog to not liking it, screaming at me and telling my son he's mad at me for the dog being here. I have over heard him criticize me to my son previously.

Things have not been great for a couple years now. I wrote up a separation agreement last year and have it on my computer at work. I just don't know how to follow thru. I don't think he would do anything violent, but he screams at me out of the blue sometimes and of course everything is my fault and he is never wrong. He's so angry at everything and always worried what everyone else will think. He's very judgmental of other people and has something critical to say about pretty much everyone in the world. There is no intimacy and very little communication left. I even started searching for apartments for me and the dog, but I don't want to leave my child. My SIL says I should not leave because it's my house and the only $ he has contributed was part of the down payment years ago.

And just a note on counseling, we went once in those first few years. He refused for a long time and then only went once. My son goes to a therapist, and he refuses to go with me there to discuss our different parenting views/styles.

If anyone has any advise please share. Thanks in advance!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Depending on the state you live in... you husband owns 50% of the equity in the house that has accrued since you married him. It's both of your house. 

But your sister is right. The house is your legal residence. If you leave with the dog, as leave your son with you husband.. he can claim that you abandoned your son. Stay in the house. Keep the do. The husband has to go.

You need to see a lawyer NOW. Find out what your rights are. There is a chance that you will be paying your husband alimony because you have been supporting him. You could end up paying him child support as well. 

So get to an attorney ASAP. Do not use any self-created separation agreement unless you really really know what you are doing. 

Does your husband ever do things like throw stuff, break things, push you around?


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## katwoman (Aug 4, 2014)

Thanks for your reply. He never has pushed me or thrown things at me. He will stomp around and yell when he get's angry. My dad used to yell a lot, but there were 5 of us kids in the house. I swore I wouldn't live with that again, let alone subject my son to it. 

I think in my state, if I have full custody he would not get any child support. Not sure about alimony to him, or if he would go for it. He says he's depressed, but he won't go see anyone.

I just don't know how to tell him I want him to leave. Worried that if anything is going to send him over the edge that will be it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katwoman said:


> Thanks for your reply. He never has pushed me or thrown things at me. He will stomp around and yell when he get's angry. My dad used to yell a lot, but there were 5 of us kids in the house. I swore I wouldn't live with that again, let alone subject my son to it.
> 
> I think in my state, if I have full custody he would not get any child support. Not sure about alimony to him, or if he would go for it. He says he's depressed, but he won't go see anyone.
> 
> I just don't know how to tell him I want him to leave. Worried that if anything is going to send him over the edge that will be it.


Do you mind sharing your state so we can help you a bit with what would happen?

Why do you think you would get full custody? Most states try to get as close to 50/50 as possible as a child needs both parents. 

Well if it sends him over the edge, be ready for it. If he yells a lot tell him to leave. If he gets violent tell him to leave and call the cops. If he has a breakdown call the cops and have him taken to a mental health facility.

It's easy to feel responsible for a dependent person. And that's what he's done.. made himself dependent on you so that you cannot leave him.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

katwoman said:


> Thanks for your reply. He never has pushed me or thrown things at me. He will stomp around and yell when he get's angry. My dad used to yell a lot, but there were 5 of us kids in the house. I swore I wouldn't live with that again, let alone subject my son to it.
> 
> I think in my state, if I have full custody he would not get any child support. Not sure about alimony to him, or if he would go for it. He says he's depressed, but he won't go see anyone.
> 
> I just don't know how to tell him I want him to leave. Worried that if anything is going to send him over the edge that will be it.


Given his lack of enthusiasm to find a job now he will chase alimony if he can and he will probably fight for primary custody of the child for the child support. 

In most states getting sole custody is hard unless you have an abusive situation.


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## katwoman (Aug 4, 2014)

I live in Pennsylvania. 

There are some things the court considers that I would at least be the custodial parent. He would likely move back in with his parents. Aside from college, he had lived with his parents up until we were married.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You predict a bad reaction from him. Given your knowledge of him as a person, you are probably right. So what sort of support can you have in place to catch his fall? 

His parents? Counselor?

The lack of intimacy suggests that he is depressed. Maybe he suffers from some personality disorder.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

Make sure you have money in a bank account with only your name on it, and cancel any joint credit cards - once the sh*t hits the fan he may try to empty out any joint bank accounts and rack up debt on your cards. If he has little money of his own to get a good lawyer, he may not fight too hard for things like alimony and custody. Or his parents may pay for a lawyer for him. Maybe try mediation first, its cheaper and gives you a way to sort out the initial important stuff, and then if and when you get a lawyer, you both will come to the table better knowing what details are important, and save money that way. Divorce lawyers will try to get you two to be at odds as long as possible, because of course they are getting paid for every minute (even a few minutes on the phone will be billed as 15 minutes lawyer time). But they also know the ins and outs of divorces, such as what situation may come up in the future that neither of you thought of, etc. Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, sorry but that is YOUR house. He needs to GO. The fact that your son asked you to get him a new daddy is a scream in your face as to how bad it is, and I suggest that you listen. Get a lawyer. Get him out before he does more damage to your poor kid.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

The fact that your son said he wants a new daddy is very telling. If I was in your shoes, I'd insist that my husband get counseling and commit to it for a good long while. Hugs.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

I think you need to speak with an experienced divorce attorney as soon as possible - get an expert involved who knows the law regarding divorce in Pennsylvania. I do not think you should be drafting any type of separation document or any other document regarding your marriage - this is not for an amateur; your financial future hangs in the balance.

Did you add his name to the deed for your home?

As other poster's mentioned - do not move out of your home under any circumstances. If he threatens you or physically abuses you in any way call the police - they will very likely remove him from the home.


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## katwoman (Aug 4, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice. I still own my first home and have it rented out. He has never been added to the deed. Both cars we own were purchased by me and are in my name only. The home we bought 7 years ago has both of us on it. I'm afraid there is no equity in the current house as we had a lot of repairs since it was an estate and needed a lot done to it the first few years. My income covers the bills but there is no savings since he burned thru what we had left after the down payment in our current house. When he was working he was putting money in every pay for our "emergency fund" and he kept the rest, but it was "his money" so he used it up.

I wish he would go for counseling. He does say that he is depressed. But, as I said, it took a huge effort and a good bit of fighting to get him to go to ONE marriage counseling session many years ago. He believes he is right and I am wrong and he doesn't need it. I'm tired. He's been sleeping on the couch for about 2 years, not because I asked, but because he chose to. 

I really think it's more passive aggressive than anything else. As long as I don't point out anything remotely critical, he's fine. Any thing that he may have to "change" (getting a job, cleaning the house, etc.) he gets steamed up over it.

His family will be in town this month and taking all the sleeping space at his parents house. After they leave would be a good time to ask him to move out. Also gives me a couple weeks to prep.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

katwoman said:


> I even started searching for apartments for me and the dog, but I don't want to leave my child.


You don't want to leave your child yet you went so far as to start looking for an apartment for you and your dog. 

You've obviously considered it as a reasonable possibility.

I don't understand how a mother could voluntarily walk out on her child. Or at least strongly consider the possibility.

Especially given that your son has stated that he wants a different father.


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## katwoman (Aug 4, 2014)

Lenzi it is sometimes so bad that I just want out of here. I am afraid of his reaction if asked to leave. He has an overwhelming sense of entitlement. He knows I was looking for a place and has made no effort to even smooth the waters. It's like I have a bad roommate, not a husband and partner. I know he would never intentionally hurt my son. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just walk away and he would have to take some responsibility.

Another of the issues: hubby won't do anything with DS and me on the weekends. We have asked numerous times if he would do things with us and he refuses. It's like for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, his is to do his own thing regardless of the family. With my son, he would actually try to put him in the middle (I have overheard him talking to my son and saying things critical of me that a 7 yo doesn't need to hear) and if we had joint custody it may be better for my son to be with one of us at a time so the focus wasn't on us, but the child.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should speak to a laywer.
You should probably be documenting things.
Father's don't "usually" get custody. However, I think a stay at home father has a much better chance than most.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

katwoman said:


> Lenzi it is sometimes so bad that I just want out of here... I know he would never intentionally hurt my son. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just walk away and he would have to take some responsibility.


I get it that you want out.

But to leave your son with his neglectful and verbally abusive dad?

It might be easier for you but it won't be easier for your son.

His needs trump yours at the moment.


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## Hope4Future (Aug 7, 2014)

katwoman said:


> I wanted to find an avenue to get some feedback so I hope someone out there can help. I have been married for over 13 years, dated for 7 before getting married. We have a 7 y.o.
> 
> Within the first two years of being married, I considered getting an annulment because my husband had made promises about getting a job and being a partner and all he did was sit at home on the couch. He moved into the home I had bought on my own and had no expenses/contributions to the household bills and very little to maintaining it either. After a big blow out and telling him I wanted a divorce he finally got a job, which I had sent his resume to. He kept that job for 5 years up until I went back to work after our child was born.
> 
> Once we had a child, our agreement was that he would stay home until we enrolled our son in school. That was nearly 3 years ago and he hasn't even looked for anything. I have sent him job leads and reminded him that he needs to get back to work, he doesn't even have enough SS credits to get anything when he retires. I have been working FT this entire relationship and carrying all the expenses for all of us. I have a very good job that pays enough to cover the family expenses, but I don't think it's fair to me to pay for his "fun money" and him to take my car and burn gas and not even make an effort to put something back for what he uses up. My anger and feeling like a paycheck has been building.


Katwoman, your story is so similar to mine. DH was working when we married and had been all of our dating period of five years. 8 months afterwards his job went elsewhere and he "needed time to heal". Except for a brief three years after our only child was born, he has not worked the remaining ten. We had agreed that he would be a SAHD but DD has been in school now for 4 yrs and he has shown no desire to go back to work nor has he taken advantage of other opportunities he had to bring in income. The hardest part is that he is "not domestic" his terms so does no housework. He does one thing in that regards and only because he states I don't know how to do it well... a basic task I might add. He spends hours on the computer reading, hours eating and doing whatever he does to take care of himself. Because he has a PD (diagnosed but not acknowledged by him) life with him is very difficult. He is slowly and methodically pushing me out of my own home. We sold my original home in my name and now everything is joint. Due to his increasingly critical nature and refusal to get help for his own issues as well as a number of other things, I want to leave. I want to get my own place but I know this is strange, I don't want a divorce and I don't want another relationship. I just want my own space. He is also a pack rat borderline hoarder and I know it would be next to impossible to get him out of the marital home with all his stuff. My main concern is my DD. She loves her dad, even though his parenting methods are unconventional to say the least. She wants us to be a family. This is so hard.


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