# HELP: Parents Are Driving Me Crazy After Marriage



## stressedntired

I am going to keep this short and to the facts. I am 28 and my wife and I were married 1 1/2 years ago. I am having major issues with my parents.

1) My mother is extremely clingy and cannot deal with the fact that her son doesn't want to talk to her all the time and visit.

2) My mother does three things that annoy the crap out of me - first she compares us to other married couples who give expensive gifts to their parents or go on vacations with them. Second, she always wants more in our relationship - if I call once a week she wants to Skype, if I Skype she wants us to visit, if we visit she complains that don't spend enough time with her. There is no end to her demand for our time. Third, she can never be wrong. In her mind she is always right and I am the bad son who doesn't listen or has bad values or doesn't treat them well.

3) In my mind I am do the point where I want to tell them that I want nothing to do with them. They really irritate the heck out of me and I can honestly say I don't feel any love for either of them. But I can't figure out why I spend some much time thinking about our relationship and trying to solve it. I don't know, maybe on some level I care even if I hate them - does that even make sense?

4) My Dad is just an odd duck. He and my mom have hated each other for the better part of 20 years but continue to stay together because we are Indian and that's what you do. But he is a very unhappy person - no friends, no hobbies, no passions in life, and the root cause is that he is someone with extreme values around thinks like drinking, eating meat, etc. The problem is that it's not good enough for him to not do those things but he has to judge everyone including me who chooses to. 

I want to hear what you all think and any ideas on how to address it. I tried talking to my mom about being less clingy and not pushing the vacation thing/comparing us to other people. She basically said fine but she thinks I'm wrong and don't respect them. 

I am so pissed and angry and stressed. I want to fix this.


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## stressedntired

Oh and one more addition to my post.........

* I love my wife's my family. They are amazing, they stay out of our way but love us dearly and do everything they can to set us up to succeed in life. I think seeing how they are has finally made me realize how disfunctional my family was and how little I want to do with them.


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## FirstYearDown

stressedntired said:


> I am going to keep this short and to the facts. I am 28 and my wife and I were married 1 1/2 years ago. I am having major issues with my parents. Immigrant parents can be pieces of work. My parents are West Indian and they tried to control our wedding, because of their culture and traditions. We are made to feel like horrible, ungrateful children for living our own lives.
> 
> 1) My mother is extremely clingy and cannot deal with the fact that her son doesn't want to talk to her all the time and visit.
> Sounds like she has a hard time letting go. What does your wife say about this? Did you have a love marriage or an arranged one?
> 
> 2) My mother does three things that annoy the crap out of me - first she compares us to other married couples who give expensive gifts to their parents or go on vacations with them.
> She needs to step back and allow you to use your money to build your OWN life. Parents should not expect help that impedes their adult children's lives.
> Second, she always wants more in our relationship - if I call once a week she wants to Skype, if I Skype she wants us to visit, if we visit she complains that don't spend enough time with her. There is no end to her demand for our time. Third, she can never be wrong. In her mind she is always right and I am the bad son who doesn't listen or has bad values or doesn't treat them well.Yes, many parents feel that they are never wrong. You are fighting a losing battle when you try to get your mother to see your side. She is self righteous and old fashioned. I suggest decreasing contact with your mother, no matter how much she kicks and screams. My mom did not start to respect our privacy, until we set limits.
> 
> 3) In my mind I am do the point where I want to tell them that I want nothing to do with them. They really irritate the heck out of me and I can honestly say I don't feel any love for either of them. But I can't figure out why I spend some much time thinking about our relationship and trying to solve it. I don't know, maybe on some level I care even if I hate them - does that even make sense?Yes, it does. You love your mother because she is your parent, but you dislike her as a person.
> 
> 4) My Dad is just an odd duck. He and my mom have hated each other for the better part of 20 years but continue to stay together because we are Indian and that's what you do. But he is a very unhappy person - no friends, no hobbies, no passions in life, and the root cause is that he is someone with extreme values around thinks like drinking, eating meat, etc. The problem is that it's not good enough for him to not do those things but he has to judge everyone including me who chooses to. My parents also have an unhappy marriage...Dad is weak and henpecked. My mother is finally separating from him after nearly 40 years. I think culture is playing a huge role in the way your parents behave.
> 
> I want to hear what you all think and any ideas on how to address it. I tried talking to my mom about being less clingy and not pushing the vacation thing/comparing us to other people. She basically said fine but she thinks I'm wrong and don't respect them. No, she does not respect you. Your mother feels that only she is owed respect, but it goes both ways. Talking to parents like this is like talking to a wall. Like I said, start distancing yourself. Get call display so you can screen the calls. Do not give in to her complaints and firmly end conversations that become insulting. You don't have to cut them off completely, but you can be much less available for them to intrude.
> 
> I am so pissed and angry and stressed. I want to fix this.


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## F-102

Try and move away from them-it's hard when you have the cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond" with you.


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## stressedntired

Already did that. I live in Ohio, they live in California. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if they were nearby.


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## EleGirl

Your mother is acting in a manner that many women from her culture were raised. The mother rules the daughter-in-law and the son owes all to his mother. A lot of traditional cultures are like that. My mother was like that in many ways. She was Italian and was like with all three of her sons. With us daughters is she was different.. still difficult, but different.

You can teach your mother a lot about being a mother and mother-in-law in the culture she and you now live in. We spend years doing this to my mother, she learned slowly.

In your case I would use letters since you live apart. Letters are great because you have the time to think about what you write and then she can read, react without you having to see it. Then she will perhaps learn some new things.

Teach her the kind of relationship you want. Respect for your wife, that your life is not hers to live and direct. Help her be a better person.


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## rogergrant

I think you just need to limit your contact to what you want it to be. If she calls, you don't need to pick up the phone. If she gets angry at you for it, she'll just have to get over it.


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## Bobby5000

I have been there and have a great solution for you. Your mom seems a little dominant and likes to compare. Realize your mother will not always be happy with what occurs and that's fine. Don't try to change your mother's comparisons, just don't let them get to you. Develop the self-confidence to not have your happiness depend upon how she feels. DO NOT try to solve the problem by trying to do a better job of accomodating her or trying to get her to change. You don't have to eliminate your relationship with them or not treat them with respect. 

For example, you have a work function, and your mother wants you to go to Uncle Milt's party and she says she's so disappointed you won't be there, particularly because all the other cousins will be there and she rarely gets a chance to see you. Don't take the bait. Don't start an argument, don't relent and go to the party; don't apologize and try to be extra-nice so she won't be mad. Just be self-confident and cordial, realizing that you are an adult and control your life, not her. When you were 9 these were her decisions, at 29 they're yours. 


I am going to keep this short and to the facts. I am 28 and my wife and I were married 1 1/2 years ago. I am having major issues with my parents.

1) My mother is extremely clingy and cannot deal with the fact that her son doesn't want to talk to her all the time and visit.

2) My mother does three things that annoy the crap out of me - first she compares us to other married couples who give expensive gifts to their parents or go on vacations with them. Second, she always wants more in our relationship - if I call once a week she wants to Skype, if I Skype she wants us to visit, if we visit she complains that don't spend enough time with her. There is no end to her demand for our time. Third, she can never be wrong. In her mind she is always right and I am the bad son who doesn't listen or has bad values or doesn't treat them well.

3) In my mind I am do the point where I want to tell them that I want nothing to do with them. They really irritate the heck out of me and I can honestly say I don't feel any love for either of them. But I can't figure out why I spend some much time thinking about our relationship and trying to solve it. I don't know, maybe on some level I care even if I hate them - does that even make sense?

4) My Dad is just an odd duck. He and my mom have hated each other for the better part of 20 years but continue to stay together because we are Indian and that's what you do. But he is a very unhappy person - no friends, no hobbies, no passions in life, and the root cause is that he is someone with extreme values around thinks like drinking, eating meat, etc. The problem is that it's not good enough for him to not do those things but he has to judge everyone including me who chooses to. 

I want to hear what you all think and any ideas on how to address it. I tried talking to my mom about being less clingy and not pushing the vacation thing/comparing us to other people. She basically said fine but she thinks I'm wrong and don't respect them. 

I am so pissed and angry and stressed. I want to fix this.[/QUOTE]


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