# Don't know how to tell husband I want out...



## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm relatively new here, I've posted in the "Considering Divorce" forum. The short version is that we've been married almost 23 years, have 2 teenage girls (who are amazing), and my husband over the last 9 years or so has completely given up parenting, given up friends and activities, given up living his life. He goes to work, comes home and does things around the house, and sits in front of his computer. Day after day after day... that's his life. He has become totally apathetic about everything.

I've put up with it for this long because his paycheck has allowed me to stay home and be a full time mom, only working part time from home. Being a parent is the single most important thing that i will ever do in my lifetime, so being there for my kids is my number one priority. My husband, on the other hand, I swear sometimes he barely remembers our kids' names.

So... I've been thinking more and more recently about asking for a divorce. I have a life to live, places to explore, people to meet, and things that I want to do in my life. My husband doesn't care to participate in anything at all. We live totally separate lives under the same roof. I live my life and do 100% of all parenting, and he sits at home in a dark room with his high speed Internet connection. (nothing bad like porn or gambling, but he's addicted to news and computer tech stuff)

Problem is, as far as he is concerned there is nothing wrong. With him it's always status quo, don't rock the boat, same ole blah blah blah every single day. We do NOT communicate anymore beyond very superficial things like "did you get the mail today?" He has absolutely no idea that I'm thinking of divorce. I know that I'm just as responsible as he is for communication in our marriage, but over the years we've just lost each other. Marriage is a two-way street, and he has given up doing his part to be a member of a family. I spent YEARS trying to get him to be involved in family life, but he has chosen repeatedly to stop communicating and stop participating.

So I have no idea how to bring up the subject with him. I'm not comfortable talking to him about anything at all anymore. I don't know how to honestly tell him that I'm not happy in our marriage and I haven't been for years. We've been strangers for so long at this point, any communication at all is awkward. We tend to avoid each other in our own house. If I told him I want a divorce, it would blind-side him. He is completely unable to express any feelings, he has the emotional range of a rock. I wouldn't be able to sit down with him and talk things through, because he literally shuts down and goes blank, does not respond, just puts up a huge wall and closes himself up. The few times I've tried to tell him how I feel, he just clams up and he won't speak about it.

I want out, but I don't know how to go about doing it... Maybe blind-siding him is the only way that I'll be able to get a response out of him? I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I need to get on with my life and look out for myself, I just want to be able to do this amicably. Any advice?


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Are you sure if you told him you were thinking of divorce he wouldn't want to try and work on the marriage? 

Sometimes it takes people to be totally blind sided before they wake up. 

If his mentality of a marriage is "don't rock the boat, blah blah blah" you're right, he doesn't think there are any problems. People with this mentality think everything is fine as long as you aren't fighting/arguing. 

All I can say is, explain everything to him just like you have explained it to us on here. 

I'm curious as to why he has completely shut down over the past 9 years in your 23 year marriage. Did something happen to make him completely disregard parenting, friends, activities, and his life in general?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree, blind-side him, but after 23 years and him apparently providing well enough for the family that you can stay home...give him the courtesy of opting for counseling instead of heading straight to divorce court.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Are you certain that he isn't depressed?


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Nine years ago was when I quit a part time job that I hated and started working part time from home at a job that I love. At that point, we were great about talking things through, he was a great dad, and we actually enjoyed being together. But when I was home all the time, he started working more, then he became addicted to spending time on his computer. If you look up the definition of addiction, be it to alcohol or gambling or Internet, he has an addiction. My staying at home was his cue to stop being involved in his kids' lives. After all, they now had a 24/7 parent with them, right? As with a lot of things that can happen in life, this all happened gradually over time, until it became the norm. 

There are other things too that I don't have space to write down without writing a novel. Another short story... His parents are elderly, his mother now is in a full time nursing care facility since she cannot stand or feed herself anymore. We live less than a 2 hour drive from them, yet he has made the effort to see his parents 3 times in the last 11 months since her stroke. When his mom had her first stroke (that wasn't as bad, but still a stroke) he never once drove the 1.5 hours to see her and to help his dad out. Even if he can't do anything for his mother at this point, he can still be there to help his dad around the house, heck, just to visit and spend time with him, etc. 

After seeing how he has treated his own parents, I just have no desire to spend the rest of my life with someone as uncaring as he is. He isn't rude or mean, he doesn't intentionally hurt people, we've never once had a full-blown argument in 23 years of marriage. He's just become a complete empty, vacant, nothing. I don't think I want to salvage this relationship. There IS no relationship left, and I don't respect him anymore for how he has treated his own children and his parents over the last few years. I can't stay with someone that I don't respect.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I did something similar, I think. 

My approach was to have the classic "Honey, we have to have a talk.". I started off asking her how she thought things were going, and she had seen that I was stressed, we weren't talking at all, and there was a constant state of tension. To be honest, I was kind of like your husband, in that I hid away in my office area. Not proud of that, but by that point, I had pretty much decided the marriage was over, and had checked out.

I didn't tell her at that point that I thought we were done as a couple. I just said that we had some real issues, and we should look at getting some help. It took some arm twisting, but I wanted to give counseling a go, just to see if there was something I was missing. So we ended up taking 3 or so counseling sessions before it finally came out that I wanted a separation. And things progressed from there.

One thing to consider is that you've had months to process where you're at, and what you want. I tried to get my wife pointed gently in the same direction as I was. I don't know how successful I was, or if it would have been better if I just told her that first day that I wanted a divorce. Really couldn't tell you. But in the end, although I know she was hurt badly by this process, we're still amicable. And I really think that's one reason why our kids have bounced back as quickly as they have. We're not fighting or bad mouthing each other.

I doubt there's a way to do this without hurting him. Wish there was. Sorry. But you do have to do what's right for you. The first conversation I had with her was the worst feeling I had ever had. Unfortunately, the conversation where "we" broke things to the kids was much worse. Sorry to break it to you.

Good luck, and post back.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

He might be depressed, but as with anything else, he has to admit it and want to seek help, same as with an addict. He fits a few of the criteria for depression, but almost all of the criteria for an addiction (to the Internet). I don't think he's clinically depressed, and he will never in a million years openly talk with me or anyone else about it. Again, that big huge wall goes up any time anything remotely uncomfortable or emotional is mentioned. Must not rock the boat....

He does not want to rock the boat, and I'm ready to sink the bloody Titanic at this point!!!


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

PBEar - thanks for your input, and to everyone else as well.

As for the kids, they've been asking me for years why I've stayed with him this long. They would prefer that we not be with him. I made a decision a few years ago that it was more important to me (at that time) to be a full-time mom, but if we divorced I'd have to work full time and I wouldn't be able to be there for my kids like we were used to. I'm extremely involved in their school, they go to a parent-teacher cooperative school and love it. Even though my girls are teens, we have an incredibly close relationship. I asked them what they thought about my decision, and even though they would prefer to not be in the same house as their father, they understood where I was coming from and respected my decision. 

A few years later... now the kids are growing up and becoming more independent, the tension level between DH and me/the kids has become stronger, and I'm beginning to feel smothered by everything. The thing with his parents has put me over the edge. Family obviously means nothing to him, and I'm having an increasingly hard time being around him without wanting to run away.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Avalon, sounds like your husband is in a bad place mentally... it doesn't mean it has to be like this forever. Tell him how you feel, and let him know you are setting a boundary, that you will not live with someone who does not pull his weight in the marriage and in the home, and the consequence is divorce, but don't just go out and get the process moving until he has had a chance to respond. I too have been depressed and my main outlet has also been the internet... though probably not near to the extent as your H, it hasn't interfered with my parenting, but instead of going out and making friends I'd much sooner escape on the computer. I don't know if it is really an "addiction" it is just an escape, and that itself could be the real addiction. When my wife dropped the D word it certainly shocked me to life - I so wish she would have actually given me a chance to respond before she checked out, but in her case there was infidelity and she was/is lost in the fog. Please don't even consider an exit affair (I don't even want to mention this for fear of planting a seed) all that would do is hurt everyone, him you your children mutual friends and extended family.

He needs to find a good counselor that actually can come up with some kind of USEFUL THERAPY (ie not just talking to get his feelings out). He also needs to find his manhood again (a la the man up section of the mens clubhouse section on this website). It sounds like you want to give up, but give it a real chance first.

One thing that is really common from what I can see on here, is that once the reality of D shocks a H back to life and if they get past the sorrow part, they will change into the man you were once attracted to anyway so don't burn the bridge while he's coming to meet you. And also keep reading through these forums to understand the role you have played in your unhappy marriage, it is 50/50 after all (not saying you are a bad person too, just that relationships are a dynamic thing).

Whatever happens, the steps you are taking right now, by communicating what you need, will result in happiness for you, and if you have a chance to save your marriage and make it work I think almost everyone on here, both the loyal and disloyal alike, would agree it is absolutely worth it. Best wishes for you!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

So he's good for a paycheck but not a husband? You realize how you used him? You accuse him of wanting to be status quo and not "rocking the boat" but yet you stayed with him because he pays the bills and you don't want to "rock the boat". If you truly wanted change or a husband you should have picked a man who was compatible and not a paycheck or at least gone to counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Lon - I agree with most of what you said, and thanks for your insight. That's why I'm here, to look at all of my options and try to think this through rationally. 

The problem with counseling is that my husband would never see a counselor, why should he if, in his opinion, nothing is wrong? If I asked him to see a marriage counselor with me, he would think I was speaking in Swahili and wonder what planet I came from. That is soooooooo far away from his reality that he literally wouldn't know what to do with it. 

As for marriage being 50/50, I completely agree on that one!!!! That's the problem here... I've spent literally *years* being the only one trying to make it work, trying to interact, initiating any activity whatsoever between my husband and the kids, being the only active parent in the family, trying to communicate openly. It's all been wasted effort.

I've been the only glue in the family that has kept us together up to this point. I cannot tell you how many times my husband has shot down family plans, not been willing to talk, not participated in school activities or sports, not helping his parents out when they needed help, blah blah blah. I could go on for pages. 

He has literally withheld medical care from his children. He did not take our daughter to the doctor when she broke her wrist and I was out of town!! Yes, that actually happened! She sat at home for 2 days with a fractured bone until I could get home to get her to medical care because he would not take her in.

I can honestly say at this point that I've tried my very best to hold the family together, and I'm just plain worn out. 50/50 has become 100% me giving everything, and 0% him. He's not willing to make an effort even though I've tried talking with him and writing letters to get through to him (again, up goes the big wall when I try to talk about something that he's not comfortable with). He's an adult and he can make his own decisions. I can't change that.

I think I'm just going to have to gather up all the nerve I have and sit down with him and figure it out, though I'm sure that conversation is going to be completely one-sided just like all the others. I'm not going to slam "Divorce" on him with no warning, but I do need to get him thinking in that direction. It's going to be like trying to have a conversation with a rock...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Oh and please try not to shaft the man with never-ending alimony payments. If you are going to divorce him make sure you can stand on your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Just read your last post about him withholding medical care. I take everything back sorry. The man is a loser sorry. I have zero respect for men who do not take care of their kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Sanity - I *did say* that he USED TO BE a great father and a great partner in our marriage. I did not marry him for his paycheck! We were both penniless and just out of college when we got married. We used to be best friends. If I came across as only caring about the money that he now earns, I'm sorry if I worded things wrong, but that's not at all how it is or was. 

I've also contributed financially the entire time we've been married also, though part time work. I'm a full time parent, and the ONLY parent at this point. Is raising and educating two children single-handedly on a full time basis not worth anything? 

I have no desire to "shaft" him, as you say. I have a great part time job, one that I love, which I plan on turning into a full time position as soon as my children are out of school and I will be able to support myself on that. My children are my number one priority in my life, and if that means only working part time for now, then that is totally worth it to me.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Sanity - Thanks  and sorry if I replied forcefully there... There are so many factors in anything like this, and it's impossible to write them all down. It's finances and lack of respect and lack of caring for his children (either emotionally or physically) and a hundred other things over the years.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Avalon said:


> The problem with counseling is that my husband would never see a counselor, why should he if, in his opinion, nothing is wrong? If I asked him to see a marriage counselor with me, he would think I was speaking in Swahili and wonder what planet I came from. That is soooooooo far away from his reality that he literally wouldn't know what to do with it.


Well when you show him that you are willing to walk away, reality might dawn on him pretty quick in which case he will either agree to seek professional help readily, or else you will do what you have to do to protect yourself from a lifeless marriage and start the separation/divorce... its just in your mind he used to be great, and now he's not, the first thing is to actually, REALLY, try to find out what is broken in him before moving along.



Avalon said:


> ...As for marriage being 50/50, I completely agree on that one!!!! That's the problem here... I've spent literally *years* being the only one trying to make it work, trying to interact, initiating any activity whatsoever between my husband and the kids, being the only active parent in the family, trying to communicate openly. It's all been wasted effort.


It wasn't wasted at all, you did what you had to to to make it work for you, obviously whatever you are trying is not working for him. So I agree you need to change it up, and you really need a third party to get there (ie MC). When the first round of MC didn't work result in immediate "results" for my marriage, instead of trying something different my W just assumed it was beyond help and checked out... the thing about that is even though I believe we were badly advised, I was making slow but steady changes based on what I thought we'd agreed to. 



Avalon said:


> ...I've been the only glue in the family that has kept us together up to this point. I cannot tell you how many times my husband has shot down family plans, not been willing to talk, not participated in school activities or sports, not helping his parents out when they needed help, blah blah blah. I could go on for pages.


It's not as if he has walked away or run off with someone else, he is still in the marriage, or what he believes is a marriage. Until it gets through to him that it is broken (which is probably welcome news to him to get his sanity back) he is afraid to do anything that will "rock the boat" as you or another commenter wrote... deep down somewhere he knows it is an unhealthy relationship but it is still the most important thing to him, his commitment to it, as invisible as it is to you, is the only thing he feels he has - in his mind his indecision and inaction is the glue that is holding it together. I agree this is NOT good and he needs immediate help. Putting divorce on the table will likely shake him out of this to a certain extent but it needs to be done with tact and purpose. 



Avalon said:


> ...He has literally withheld medical care from his children. He did not take our daughter to the doctor when she broke her wrist and I was out of town!! Yes, that actually happened! She sat at home for 2 days with a fractured bone until I could get home to get her to medical care because he would not take her in.


Paralyzed with indecision, at some point he has been castrated from the inside. That is obviously to a dangerous extent... he is burned out and depressed and it is good you are recognizing you have to protect yourself and the children from this. I completely agree that you can't have a marriage where one person, even if he is bringing home the money to support the family, does no lifting.



Avalon said:


> ...I can honestly say at this point that I've tried my very best to hold the family together, and I'm just plain worn out. 50/50 has become 100% me giving everything, and 0% him. He's not willing to make an effort even though I've tried talking with him and writing letters to get through to him (again, up goes the big wall when I try to talk about something that he's not comfortable with). He's an adult and he can make his own decisions. I can't change that.


I know it feel like you are doing everything, and have been for some time. But realize it is a stretch to say he has 0% contribution. I often find myself where my wife actually contributed to our family - it is easy to say she contributed nothing, her "job" actually cost us more in daycare fees than what she earned, she was never home in evenings or weekends, she rarely cleaned up behind herself, she drove us into credit card debt, she was always too busy with personal social life to do any family activities etc. But I've forced myself to admit that she has been a good mother in the mornings while I was at work, that she took care of the errands that a 8-5 schedule makes difficult, she bought the essentials and took care of our child's hygiene, etc. There are some contributions your burned out husband has still made (ie the paycheck is of utmost importance and many spouses often criticize it saying they could earn just as much, but the point is he's actually getting it done affording you time to do all the things you have been doing to keep the family coherent). So saying he's useless is the wrong approach, just he needs to get his energy level up and focus it on other things.



Avalon said:


> ...I think I'm just going to have to gather up all the nerve I have and sit down with him and figure it out, though I'm sure that conversation is going to be completely one-sided just like all the others. I'm not going to slam "Divorce" on him with no warning, but I do need to get him thinking in that direction. It's going to be like trying to have a conversation with a rock...


Yeah it will be hard work for you, but if it works it will be worth it, and if it doesn't work it means you can move forward with a clean conscience. I realize my long-winded response is rooted in my own experiences, and probably somewhat biased, but it is important because I can relate at some level to your H. It hurts me to see him suffering (I know he is even if he looks like a zombie), and it pains me to see another marriage end especially when I can see two committed partners who have just had a huge breakdown in communication. I sincerely hope for your marriage that he can wake up out of the autopilot mode he is in. I know he can, and I hope after 23 years of marriage you can muster a little more patience to get there, and have some faith that as he wakes he truly won't want to go back to that place.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Thank you Lon - it really helps me to get other people's insight. Being in the middle of it, it's hard for me step outside of the picture and look in objectively to see what it's really like. 

I've been at a relative's house for the last week dog- and house-sitting, and it's given me a lot of personal time to reflect on things and make some decisions. I'm here for another week. It's been so good to be away from things for this bit of time, no interpersonal stress, not in the same daily grind that I would be at home. I've had lots of long conversations with my sister's dogs, who are great listeners  It's been like being on a vacation and not having to pay for it! 

I appreciate everyone's support here, it's good and healthy for me to be able to "talk" things through.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Just leave, he might not notice or care.


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