# Am i screwed? Long



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

I will try to make it short but I need to vent. My wife came to me on June *, 2008 and told me about her life before we married. Thing is what she told me before we were married was a total lie. Who and how many, over a 100. Some said she finally reached a point in life to spill the beans. No she had been caught in an EA maybe PA by a good friend with another good friend. Well I hired PI and did my digging with plenty of proof from the past but nothing to confirm EA or PA with other friend. So we have talked and gone to counseling togeather. Not so much on her part. She thinks it is no big deal that she has lied to me all along and I should just be over this. Well some days are good and some just really stink. I used to trigger on just about anything that would bring up the past. Know I have gotten to the point I just don't care. We don't fight, we talk alot. We have sex like most people, but I find myself just wanting that to be over so I can move on with what ever I am doing. Don't really have that lust for her any more. All I find myself thinking is who did this and what did you do to him? She actualy told me in the beginning when I first called her what she is that I could never touch her the way another man has not already touched her. So it has been 3.5 years know and I am still pissed off when something sets me off. Just yesterday I was talking with an old buddy from HS on FB. Looked at some pics he posted of a party from when he was in the military. Holy C%^& there she is. He had no idea that she is my wife, but went on to tell me what this gal did with all the guys at the party. I am so pissed I can't see straight. I stayed in this marriage for my kids. I am ninety days from closing on the sell of my business and I am ready to Dr. Feelgood for a bottle of f&#kitall. Can anyone who has taken the time to read this please tell me there is some way for me to get past this to move on with our marriage or do I just jump ship.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Dear - if you didn't have kids, definitely be an instant bail. 

I would look at it this way, if the kids will lose respect for you in staying in this relationship, its better for them that you leave it and wash your hands.

If there is something repairable and she is willing to be transparent, stop messing around, and do the heavy lifting, then this is something you'll have to work on.

When you have become ambivalent about her, that would probably indicate that you are ready to pull the plug.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So is she now a reframed tramp or still carrying on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

After reading this I am asking myself if I could live with a woman that has had over 100 guys,lied about it,and she married me. Whewwww! OP, you deserve better than to let this cause you to drink and take meds to get through it. Don't make yourself suffer any worse. Don't run and hide from the pain or it will chase you and torment you. Face the pain and get through it because you deserve better. Life has better for you. Find friends,support groups,and therapists to talk to.


----------



## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

So I'm just trying to get this straight before you were married she cheated on you all the time and ended up being with over 100 guys. Then after she marries you she *continues *cheating until her friend catches her and tells her she has to tell you then she confesses. And from other posts I've read you said she's continued even *after the confession* have I gotten everything right.


----------



## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

Yes and run… After a certain number or partners, there is nothing special (sacred to her not marriage, sex, intimacy, her body, etc). She will have to change and if she is not ready her past will be your future.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

She sounds like she's a sex addict and she's putting your health and your life at risk. I would go to the Doctor's and get a complete work-up.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Never make a ho a housewife


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

She will never be the wife or woman you desire, she will ALWAYS be less than your dreams. It is one thing to know and accept this prior to marriage, but after. Have you had your kids DNA tested, are you their bio father with 100 certainity.

God, wondering if this would be grounds for annulment in your state?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Not disagreeing with what others have posted, but it never occurred to me to enquire about former relationships my ex had had before tying the knot. Now that she's past tense for over two years, I guess it doesn't matter, but somehow I doubt that I would have gotten the undoctored version.
In any event, had she actually been with 100 guys, she sure didn't come up with anything special to bring to our ever dwindling encounters.
Since our split, I have yet to date any women who wouldn't put her efforts to shame.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are 3.5 years since her confesion and her affair(s). She has not done anything to give you a reason why you should continue to remain married to her.

Can't tell you what to do but it is often better to live by a dream, than to live by a lie.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I think women who've had that many sex partners deserve men who've had that many or more sex partners (like many very notoritous celebrity men).


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Definately a DNA test on kids!!! Also a polygraph on any other affairs during marriage. She sounds like someone that was sexually abused as a child that can no longer separate love and sex.


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

You all are spot on. The reason I have not left is because of my kids. Yes they are mine. Can't say for sure if there has been any other partners sexually since we married 17 years ago. The one friend who was going to rat her out for the EA or PA; I only got a brief conversation with about her. Never did get a confermation on the EA or PA or who it was with. They just said that they new something was going on, had proof and would let me in on it. A weak later they died sundenly, very sad day. No actual proof of EA or PA, not even from PI. Alot of ground coverd by him and alot of data say that it is so, but not caught red handed. She does not see any of her past being a problem for me though. Tell me if you had asked that question in the beginning, would you feel jaded if you found out later on say 10 plus years that it was a lie. Would your trust for that person be the same?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Divorce.


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Another question, any recomendations for a support group. Is there anything out there like AA for a BS.


----------



## cbrown_65 (Jan 11, 2012)

So the question you are asking us is if you should divorce your wife of 17 years because you found out that she had more sex partners (100+) than you believed before getting married to you?

I guess the question to ask is whether or not your love for her as a person is based upon the number of people she has slept with?

If the problem is because she lied, then you are wanting to divorce her because she lied about something before you got married that was so grave that it doesn't warrant counseling or prayer (if your religious).

I think it would be a little different if it was she's been sleeping with 100+ different men AFTER marriage.

For those saying you should divorce her because almost 20 years ago she was someone who didn't respect her body or had low self-esteem or was too sexually free I question how many of you are the same person you were 20 years ago or even 10 years ago and the majority of these men did she sleep with them while you were dating or were they BEFORE she even met you.

Consider whether your wife is a victim of child sexual abuse, rape, incest, or grew up in a dysfunctional abusive home where she was labeled a s1ut, wh0re, etc. Have you ever asked her about this, you'd be surprised how many women live with such a history.

On another note, if you have no love for her and because of this revelation she has lost credit for the past 17 years then your options become more narrowed. Is she still a liar? Has she been a liar throughout your marriage?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A few months ago, a new member started a thread in which he told how his wife of 12 years had recently confessed to him that she was not a virgin before they got married. 

Because of his religious convictions, he told her he was a virgin and would not marry any woman who was not a virgin as well. She lied of course, they got married, had 2 daughters and 12 years later a female friend of hers, outed her with a comment she made about how lucky he was to have married a woman with sexual experience i.e. his wife. His wife confessed that she was not a virgin prior to their marriage. It turned out that his wife had 8 lovers prior to getting married to him and that over the years, 3 of those ex-lovers had been become acquaintances of him. 

Even though there was no evidence that his wife had been unfaithful to him during their courtship and after they got married, he nevertheless he felt betrayed by her. So much so that he said that he would never be able to get married again since he no longer was a virgin. After so many pages of debate between members of this forum, he came to the conclusion that he was going to divorce his wife.

Some people here would scoff because there is no marital betrayal but what they fail to understand that it is not the acts of betrayal that hurt the most, but the lies and deception that were perpetrated with the intention to manipulate the other person to get married that hurt the most. It makes the wounded spouse wonder if the marriage itself is nothing but a big lie.

I truly hope that you come to a decision that can give you the peace of mind that you deserve.


----------



## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

morituri said:


> Some people here would scoff because there is no marital betrayal but what they fail to understand that it is not the acts of betrayal that hurt the most, but the lies and deception that were perpetrated with the intention to manipulate the other person to get married that hurt the most. It makes the wounded spouse wonder if the marriage itself is nothing but a big lie.



I completely agree people recover from the actual act of a EA/PA all the time but it is the lies and deception that go along with it that kill most marriages. Whatever you do you need to be honest with your wife if you can't handle what she's done you have every right to leave but you need to be honest.



PS I'm still a bit confused so she only admits to having cheated on you before you were married and nothing after.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Moritori - lying about being a virgin in not the same as lying (by omission) that you were the queen of the frat houses, the F_toy to a hundred. He is feeling betrayed and used. Betrayed that he was not given a choice to overlook her past. Betrayed that he lived his life during the marriage encountering men who 'did' his wife - snekering behind his back. Used that he has lived a life with a woman he didn't know, used that their intamencey is gone, not just a normal few before him but many.

Like she said to him, he could never touch her in a way that a other man hasn't already.....nothing exclusive.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, to accept and get past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

just40bp said:


> You all are spot on. The reason I have not left is because of my kids. Yes they are mine. Can't say for sure if there has been any other partners sexually since we married 17 years ago. The one friend who was going to rat her out for the EA or PA; I only got a brief conversation with about her. Never did get a confermation on the EA or PA or who it was with. They just said that they new something was going on, had proof and would let me in on it. A weak later they died sundenly, very sad day. No actual proof of EA or PA, not even from PI. Alot of ground coverd by him and alot of data say that it is so, but not caught red handed. She does not see any of her past being a problem for me though. Tell me if you had asked that question in the beginning, would you feel jaded if you found out later on say 10 plus years that it was a lie. Would your trust for that person be the same?


From your posts on March 19 of last year:

03-19-2011, 12:48 PM


just40bp said:


> Live with your mistake. He does not need to know that you screwed up. *My wife confessed to me after 14 great years togeather that she had many affairs*. I had no idea and she was finished with every thing but the guilt. You don't need to hurt him because he did nothing wrong. Forgive yourself, forget what you did and finish living a happy marriage with your man, reconnect with him and enjoy life. Don't destroy it.


03-19-2011, 02:41 PM


just40bp said:


> To op and friendly. Did I forgive my wife? Yes. *Did she cheat again? Yes*. Do I wish I had never known? Yes. Have I forgotten the betrayel. No. Do I trust her? No. How will he answer these questions? I have gone through every emotion there is and still have the same resolve. Why do you continue to hurt the one's you say you truely love? Foresaking all others until death do you part. Is that death of Life or Marriage? Go figure.


So she's had many affairs on you while being married, then add to that her sexual history before your marriage, equals serial cheater. There is something seriously broken within her.

She should be seeing a therapist for her sexual addiction.

I sincerely believe now that you have only seen the tip of the iceberg. She was a tramp before the marriage, and she continued to cheat on you after marrying you. You need to understand that she is only with you for the financial security of marriage, while she goes out and satisfies her sexual addiction by banging some OM. Probably up to OM#100 by now. 

Sorry you have 2 kids with her. But this is who she really is, just like a tiger cant change its stripes. You are screwed if you stay with her. Just staying for the kids is not enough. You need to seek treatment for your *codependency* as well.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Given what you have said, what do you wish could happen?

If I get this right, she had an affair early in your marriage, maybe had another affair but no proof was ever found. She admitted the first affair, has denied this last affair. The thing thats bothering you most is the experiences she had in school?

How old are you, when did this happen?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Moritori - lying about being a virgin in not the same as lying (by omission) that you were the queen of the frat houses, the F_toy to a hundred. He is feeling betrayed and used. Betrayed that he was not given a choice to overlook her past. Betrayed that he lived his life during the marriage encountering men who 'did' his wife - snekering behind his back. Used that he has lived a life with a woman he didn't know, used that their intamencey is gone, not just a normal few before him but many.


Technically I agree with you that they are not the same but it doesn't mean that the lies and deception hurt any less for the man in my previous post. You and I may not share his religious convictions, but that doesn't mean that we should trivialize his boundaries he made so clear to the woman who deceived him prior to getting married to her. And neither should we trivialize his definition of betrayal - that's like trivializing an EA when compared to a PA.



> Like she said to him, he could never touch her in a way that a other man hasn't already.....nothing exclusive.


Yes it hurt but are most women that get married these days virgins? Other than the woman's love and devotion, what is a man getting that she has not already shared with another man prior to meeting the man who will be her lifetime companion?


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Ok, I will try to make this clear as mud. On d day wife came and told me she had lied to me about her past, there were more men than she had told me about from her past. Had more than 100 from 16 to 22. Met her at 23. I know the past can not be changed. Well I blew up and went with my gut, hired pi. Then a friend called to tell me the news. I got off phone and told her. She admitted to one time 6 years earlier. I was going to meet friend for lunch following week. They suddenly died. Was told on phone by friend that there was proof and would be given to me. Never happened. Pi has dates and places and hotels and phone numbers but nothing with her hand in someone's pants. The photos on fb were of her before we met, but yes countless guys have crossed my path that I am sure look at me like I am some kind of dummy. I am mid 40's and will retire this July. I do have an exit plan, and do beaver I will do so. My kids are not even teen age yet so I will take them with me. This has taught me a lesson I would wish on no one. I do see a councillor at least once a month, would not have made it without it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> Technically I agree with you that they are not the same but it doesn't mean that the lies and deception hurt any less for the man in my previous post. You and I may not share his religious convictions, but that doesn't mean that we should trivialize his boundaries he made so clear to the woman who deceived him prior to getting married to her. And neither should we trivialize his definition of betrayal - that's like trivializing an EA when compared to a PA.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes it hurt but are most women that get married these days virgins? Other than the woman's love and devotion, what is a man getting that she has not already shared with another man prior to meeting the man who will be her lifetime companion?




At first glance, the remark that he could bring nothing new to the table regarding their sex life seems reasonable. But thats just thinking like the average Joe. In actuality, I doubt that it would be all that hard for a resourceful lover to keep doing his research and continually bring new,different things to the bedroom and all the other places he can think of.

After all under the circumstances that these relationships occured, I have no doubt that almost all of those guys had little experience and were no doubt unconcerned about her gratification. 

Study and confidence can make you 100 times the lover any of those guys ever were. The thing is anyone that is trying hard enough could out perform any thing a bunch of young guys could come up with. Experience and brains will win out every time and leave her breathless. At this point she is not your problem, your problem is in the mirror.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The PI had dates, places, hotels and phone numbers? I really don't think you need a photograph/video of her riding some dude then. And your buddy was going to give you the proof. She's not able to stay faithful to one man, it's not her nature.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

just40bp said:


> They suddenly died.


Sorry for being desnse but this makes it two posts where you said 'They suddenly died'. Was there more than one death? Friend and PI or friend and OM? Do you suspect she had them killed? :scratchhead:


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

As I said in the opening we have a sex life. It has been a rough road and I trigger on lots of things. But I could not disagree more with my problem being the man in the mirror. If I had wanted to marry a ***** I would have. I asked and was lied to. And probably not just about that. I fell in love with a fake and a cheat because she could not face the person in the mirror. I never lied, never said I was a saint. But I did not pretend to be someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

Sorry, only my friend died. He took his own life. My age. Close to my wife also, not sure if they were involved and that was the proof or not. Never will know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Did you say your wife admits to a sexual affair - 6 years ago?

Then a friend calls claiming he has proof of another affair or was he talking about the one she admitted to?

PI uncovered hotel receipts, phone numbers etc. - from the 6 year old affair or a recent one?

Plus she lied about past lovers prior to marriage.

Way too much lying. 

I am getting a little confused, as I am sure you are too. Might be time for you to start over with someone new without all the baggage.


----------



## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

From 16 to 22, 7 years.....that averages out to a little over 1+ partner per month, 14+ per year for the seven years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> From 16 to 22, 7 years.....that averages out to a little over 1+ partner per month, 14+ per year for the seven years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that's a lot, but hardly "working girl" numbers. As I mentioned before, it would never have occurred to me to ask my ex how things were for her before we met. In any event, she volunteered the info when she served me my papers. She was definitely a gal who liked to have a good time. However, after we married, things cooled off very quickly and never rekindled. Had I known about her past, I would have been suspicious of happenings and my misery wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. I might even have gotten away from her before she had the first guy's kid that she said was mine. What she really taught me was that there is nothing that some people won't do in order to get financial support regardless of who they are screwing over to get it.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> Technically I agree with you that they are not the same but it doesn't mean that the lies and deception hurt any less for the man in my previous post. You and I may not share his religious convictions, but that doesn't mean that we should trivialize his boundaries he made so clear to the woman who deceived him prior to getting married to her. And neither should we trivialize his definition of betrayal - that's like trivializing an EA when compared to a PA.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes it hurt but are most women that get married these days virgins? Other than the woman's love and devotion, what is a man getting that she has not already shared with another man prior to meeting the man who will be her lifetime companion?





calif_hope said:


> From 16 to 22, 7 years.....that averages out to a little over 1+ partner per month, 14+ per year for the seven years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have big time problems with her math. I wonder if she lied about the number for some reason. I've been around a long time and married late and I don't even know a man that claims 100.

PI had that much info but could not ID an OM? That seems strange too.

Is she a normal acting person? Seems like it would be hard to fake not being some kind of nympho wreck. 

What kind of wife/mother has she been?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like you have made up your mind to divorce her, what are you trying to get out of this forum?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

just40bp said:


> Another question, any recomendations for a support group. Is there anything out there like AA for a BS.


This is about as close to a support group as you're going to get. IRL, the betrayed gets the blame for the cheating because we aren't meeting their needs, thus deserved to be cheated on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

morituri said:


> A few months ago, a new member started a thread in which he told how his wife of 12 years had recently confessed to him that she was not a virgin before they got married.
> 
> Because of his religious convictions, he told her he was a virgin and would not marry any woman who was not a virgin as well. She lied of course, they got married, had 2 daughters and 12 years later a female friend of hers, outed her with a comment she made about how lucky he was to have married a woman with sexual experience i.e. his wife. His wife confessed that she was not a virgin prior to their marriage. It turned out that his wife had 8 lovers prior to getting married to him and that over the years, 3 of those ex-lovers had been become acquaintances of him.
> 
> ...


Perfect, Morituri.:iagree:


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This story reminds me of this girl I know...

She lived here in Florida until she was in her mid 20's. This chick was a out of control wh0re... partied alot, fuc*ed everything and everyone that walked... Really out of control, slept with random dudes at night clubs, in backseats of cars... you name it... Had to be over 100. No chance that any guy would want to be with this chick seriously and any that found out about her history would be outta there in a second...

Anyway, this chick was BFF with my XW. So this chick moves to Ohio... Couple years later, she's engaged. My XW and I go up to visit (i did not want to, my family lives up that way so I figured I could see them and make W happy). So I meet this guy, did not expect that! this pooooooooor dude she is marrying is the nicest guy you would want to meet. He's got his sh*t together, comes from a nice middle class family, He's finishing up dental school, seems like a decent guy all around, struck me a "family guy" type... I was literally like OMG WTF. Is this guy an idiot? 

I just couldnt bring myself to say anything to him, I mean what am I going to say... "hey dude, you do know this chick is completely whacked out, she's community pelt bro??"....(and my W swore me to secrecy) Anyway, xW tells me that her friend had completely re-written her entire life... This guy had NO CLUE about any of it. She made herself out to be innocent, sweet, "normal", and sold him on how much they had in common. (ROFLMAO).

He found out the HARD way after the fact... they married and had a kid, she was able to play "the role" for a couple years after that... Details aren't important I guess, but she never changed her stripes. It ended in a divorce, a REALLY rough one (for him). Poor guy ended up geting fleeced for everything and had to fight a terrible custody battle... She ended up fat and on drugs (again). lol. Predictably, this toxic friend also played a big hand in supporting my xW's cheating, walking her through the "how to's" and cheerleading the breakup of my family... 

Anyway, everytime I hear a story like this one, I think of that poor guy, he didnt have a clue. 

If I had found out what the OP has found out... it's probably worse that cheating... It's lying. To me cheating is understandable, we are only human, it happens. It's the lies and deceit, thats the 1000 lb gorilla... To me, that's where the real damage happens. I don't think I could get around finding out everything I thought I knew, my entire reality was all built on lies. This is your wife for god's sake... A marriage and a family is built on the foundation of "trust incarnate". WHen that's shattered... There's nothing left.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Moritori - lying about being a virgin in not the same as lying (by omission) that you were the queen of the frat houses, the F_toy to a hundred. He is feeling betrayed and used. Betrayed that he was not given a choice to overlook her past. Betrayed that he lived his life during the marriage encountering men who 'did' his wife - snekering behind his back. Used that he has lived a life with a woman he didn't know, used that their intamencey is gone, not just a normal few before him but many.
> 
> Like she said to him, he could never touch her in a way that a other man hasn't already.....nothing exclusive.
> 
> ...


Hard to be more cruel than this frankly.

I guess if she had continued this behavior during the marriage but it is a betrayal none-the-less.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Never make a ho a housewife


A cliche so true.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd run from that one.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> This story reminds me of this girl I know...
> 
> She lived here in Florida until she was in her mid 20's. This chick was a out of control wh0re... partied alot, fuc*ed everything and everyone that walked... Really out of control, slept with random dudes at night clubs, in backseats of cars... you name it... Had to be over 100. No chance that any guy would want to be with this chick seriously and any that found out about her history would be outta there in a second...
> 
> ...


You deserved a cheating friend PIT, Because you cheated this guy by spoiling his life by NOT TELLING THE TRUTH which was known to you to him, even if not directly but some how to him. God punished you with the same TF of your wife.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> You deserved a cheating friend PIT, Because you cheated this guy by spoiling his life by NOT TELLING THE TRUTH which was known to you to him, even if not directly but some how to him. God punished you with the same TF of your wife.


God didn't punish PIT, he punished himself by allowing his XW to continue being friends with a TF that eventually played a key role in his XW's cheating and subsequent divorce.

Reminds me of an old saying 'All evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing'.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

just40bp, I can hear the hurt in you. You have found out your wife is not at all the person you thought. It isn't just that she had more men than she admitted to, it is the continuous stream of lies and deception.

And for the record, I think it is perfectly acceptable that you are bothered by her number. I think we are justified in placing a judgment on a person based on our own values and beliefs. As Mori brought up, one guy's values were based on his religious belief in virginity. That is fine, it is his life and thus his right to set values he finds acceptable to himself.

Likewise, some guys would have no problem with a woman who's number is over 100. That is their value system and it is valid.

The long term dishonesty seems to be something which cannot be left in the past. We can come to grips with unchangeable history, like a woman's number. But we cannot put the future in the past. With the continued dishonesty over a very long time, there is reason to believe the future will hold dishonesty and infidelity.

See a lawyer and find out how to best protect your pension. Perhaps there is legal or moral pressure which could be brought to bear if there is solid evidence of her shenanigans.


----------

