# Need some advice about issue that happened to my wife



## Oxanar (Nov 20, 2012)

Here is the background. (apologies for the wall of text, just want to be sure everything is captured). Married 11 years. 2 kids. Both of us work. We are extremely happy together. I'll try to give as much unbiased information as possible as to what I'm dealing with. One year ago my wife lost a lot of weight. That immediately didn't arose any infidelity questions, but there were some other small things. I began to snoop her work email. (bad I know) Well I came across an email from her best friend that said something to the effect of "you wearing anything hot today, did you see anyone?" Obviously referencing her recent weight loss. But at the beginning of the email she was talking about how she recently cheated on her husband. Put that in context with the "see anyone" comment and I thought her friend was hinting that my wife was cheating. Fast forward 4 months. We saw a therapist. In addition to this email there was also a group of female and male friends that she would go out to lunch with. Not very frequently though. But one of the guys was on her FB and they were playing games together (as she would with a number of other people too). There were other things, but I thought her friendship at work was slightly bordering unprofessional. I think because they might have had a drink out all together at one of these lunches, and maybe some other things I noticed while snooping the email. Turns out there wasn't any infidelity at all. I was just very hyper sensitive and I need to trust her more. I needed to stop snooping her email which I did for a while. 

Recently I began looking into her email again. No idea why, clearly I've got some of my own trust issues to work out. A week ago, I noticed that one of her female coworkers wanted to take her out for her birthday for lunch with this same group of guys. So I became moody that week as I knew she was going out with these people on Friday. She noticed this and she felt like she was walking on eggshells around me again. As Friday came, she did indeed go out. But she was there for nearly 4 hours. She didn't drive, the guy who I mentioned earlier drove most of them. I knew she was out for a while because I noticed her status on instant messenger was "Away". At about 4 pm I called her cell. She texted me back saying need something?I called again. She texted back saying she was in a meeting. I texted back asking her if she was at her comp which she simply replied with a no. This was odd because in meetings that comp goes with you. So I decided to drive down to her work. Her car was there. She clearly wasn't. I positioned my car a few rows back so that I could see her car and the front door to eventually see who she would come back with. I waited, as I knew she would get our youngest kid from daycare which meant she had to get back to the car. As I waited I saw her in the passenger seat with that guy driving (I knew what he looked like from his FB profile). Well they drove past the front door, nearly right by me and to the back of the parking lot. At first I thought oh hell no. But then I figured he just liked parking back there as do I in my parking lot. Well I waited for a minute, but nobody walked down from there. So I moved my car and I could see his parked to the side of the curb and then I was floored, thinking that they were making out in there. I moved it again for fear of them catching me and tried to position around again and I saw they were gone and he was dropping her off at front. 

I drove home and she called at about 5 (live only few minutes from were she works) and she could tell I was distraught. I asked her where she had been all day and she said work. I told her she was lying. And she stuck to her story. I then told her someone we both know called me (I couldn't reveal yet that it was me who saw them) and told me they saw her in the parking lot with this guy. She said she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I accused her of cheating and having an affair. She came clean. She said she was out to lunch for that long and this guy did drive her and he tried to kiss her, but she pushed him off and told him to drive to the front. Evidently this is what happened that day. They all had a drink at lunch. Then all of them moved to the bar where they had more drinks (except my wife so she says). As it got close to 4 she did have one more beer along with all of them who had at least 3 drinks by that point. That's when she started getting my calls and texting. And she said to the group she needed to get back home. So this one guy who I had suspicions on drove her back. What my wife says is that while they were getting to the office he kept telling her that she was too drunk to go inside. And this was his plan. He tried to mentally manipulate her while driving to the back parking lot and he had her second guessing whether or not she was capable of going back to work. She says that she said to him all along that she was fine and thats when he had her in the back parking lot and put the moves on her. Turns out after she denied him and after he dropped her off at front that he texted her this "Ok. You called my bluff. Get home safely". I implicitly trust that she didn't do anything with him.

At this point I wanted her to open a case with her company HR because this is a manager at her work, which she sometimes interacts with, but is not required to. Meaning he might come to her for stuff but he can go elsewhere. She won't open an HR case for fear of being labelled and as well revealing that she was out that long having drinks. But what is clear between us is that she said she won't interact with this guy again, she won't go to lunches with them, she won't speak to him in the hallway if they meet, etc… And I trust that. Where my wife and I agree is that she messed up. She shouldn't have lied to me about where she was. She did that because she thought I would get mad. And if you've stuck through so far you can see that maybe I might have. Again issues I know I've got to work on. But she still shouldn't have lied, she knows that. She also knows that she should have called me to pick her up instead of letting this guy who was drinking more than her drive her. I trust her when she says that the kind of relationship that she has with this group of friends is more like brothers/sisters. So she was shocked when he did this and she says it was awkward and awful. 

My wife is a good looking woman. And I've told this to her all her life. She is horrible at reading when men hit on her. And I don't mind that. In fact I've almost encouraged her to dress better. What I do mind is when the hitting on scales up like this. Her getting hit on, (I like). Getting hit on at work (well it happens, but I don't have to like it). Getting hit on while at lunch/drinking with coworkers (ok this is bad). Getting driven to the back of the parking lot out of sight of people after drinking with a coworker and attempting to be physically intimate with her (ok now I want to break this guys arms and tear his face off). I want him out of being anywhere near her, which means getting fired from her work for doing this.

Just today there was a note in her cube from him. This past weekend after the event, I asked her to share any contact/correspondence with this guy. it says:* "forgive me for putting you in an unforgivable spot.* it won't happen again.* i'd be sad if we never all had a laugh again". Well I flipped a little today and told her again that she can't socialize with him and then she accused me of not trusting her. I took a step back and told her I should have rephrased that to say well guess he's going to be sad. To which she replied yes exactly. She knows she F'ed up in putting herself in a bad spot and for lying to me. I know that I should trust her more. She says that she'll be more observant of the males and that she won't be drinking at lunch anymore (keep in mind that this happens very infrequently).

What would you all do? For the women, would you report it? For the men and women, how should I react? Based on what you've read am I acting out of line? Should she being doing things differently?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a point in your time line were you can not confirm your wifes statement. Before you left your 1st location there was a minute that went by then you had to repostion, then repositioned again.

You are taking the word of a women that lied to you once, and now you believe that the kiss was not recipricated. You do however have a corrispondence clearfing the kiss, but still!

Anyway, when it comes to protecting your marriage there is no such thing as over reacting. Keep an eye on thing and if this guy doesn't back off then confront him. has she defriended him from FB?


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## Oxanar (Nov 20, 2012)

Yeah she defriended him on FB. I have confronted her numerous times about the attempted kiss. I really do believe her now. What with his text and his note today. I just don't want him around her as he (married anyway) has shown his intentions.

Should I be looking for more evidence to prove she's right? I keep asking how do I know that it was reciprocated. She keeps saying I'll just have to trust her. She is sick to her stomach about lying to me about her whereabouts. But I do know why she did that because I guess I'm hovering too much and she just didn't want to fight later when I'd likely giver her hell about being out that long. Keep in mind she didn't drive and the guys she was with are managers (even though they acted like kids drinking that much and not giving two ****s about other people's schedules)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The correspondence you intercepted seems to support your wife's story so I`d give her the benefit of the doubt in this instance.

However, it`s my experience that these situations don`t usually "Just Happen" without some enabling by your wife whether she`s aware of it or not.

I`d just do what your doing but without confronting her with every little piece of info you get.

Keep watching her and document any correspondence or evidence that comes along.

If she`s innocent you`ll find nothing worth bothering with and if she`s guilty she'll be more likely to slip up if she she's not on high alert by you always confronting her.

If she knows she`'s being watched she'll be very careful.

Tell her she is to have no contact with this guy outside of work ever again.

If that means no more liquid lunches then she stops going out with co-workers.

If in the near future she does something that raises your suspicions don`t confront right away.

Post here and get some advice. before confronting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is lying friend. 

Lying....lying....lying. 

Private message (PM)a moderator and have this thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity section.

You have no idea the dark twisty road you are about to walk down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Your wife is lying friend.
> 
> Lying....lying....lying.


:iagree:

Her story and her reaction to you calling/texting makes no sense. If some guy is hitting on me trying to kiss me and it is unwanted and I'm *IN MY WORK PARKING LOT*. I don't tell him to drive me to the front. I open the door and walk the extra 50 feet or so to the front door myself.

Also, I wouldn't be putting too much stock in this guys note to her. She is married he knows she is and she has to pacify you. Why wouldn't he help her out with that so they can keep on with what they are doing. Or he just means that he's sorry she may be getting caught.

But I'm a cynic.


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## Oxanar (Nov 20, 2012)

How do I find out who the moderators are on the forum? Sorry I am newb here.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Oxanar said:


> I asked her where she had been all day and she said work. I told her she was lying. And she stuck to her story.


She lied to you and she stuck to her untruths.



Oxanar said:


> She said she didn't know what I was talking about.


She continues to lie and twist and deflect.



Oxanar said:


> Evidently this is what happened that day.


No, it's what she told you happened and what you want to believe happened, don't confuse it with what really happened. 



Oxanar said:


> I implicitly trust that she didn't do anything with him.


Why would you implicitly trust that she didn't do anything with him? Her actions are suspicious, she only came (partially) clean after several lies when her back was to the wall and you had indisputable proof.



Oxanar said:


> she won't speak to him in the hallway if they meet, etc… And I trust that.


Again, you trust her, even though she has lied to you. Makes no sense. You trust her because it's easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend that she suddenly discovered the error of her ways and she went from lying to completely honest.



Oxanar said:


> I trust her when she says that the kind of relationship that she has with this group of friends is more like brothers/sisters.


Again, you trust her so much. With absolutely no valid reasons to do so.



Oxanar said:


> Just today there was a note in her cube from him. This past weekend after the event, I asked her to share any contact/correspondence with this guy. it says:* "forgive me for putting you in an unforgivable spot.* it won't happen again.* i'd be sad if we never all had a laugh again".


I'm thinking either he didn't write it or he wrote it upon request from her to throw you off the track.



Oxanar said:


> she accused me of not trusting her.


For good reason. She lied to you yet expects you to suddenly forget all that and just give her blind trust which is not earned or deserved.



Oxanar said:


> What would you all do? For the women, would you report it? For the men and women, how should I react? Based on what you've read am I acting out of line? Should she being doing things differently?


Yes she should report that a coworker tried to screw her in his car after lunch. You should react with caution, do not take her at her word and track her activities using VARs, keyloggers, checking computer history, etc.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, she lied when she was caught out. I don't think that automatically means she's been cheating. I think going forward from here means discreetly watching to see whether she behaves herself or not. If not, don't give her a third chance. In fact, have an exit plan ready for a moment's notice. If you never have to use it, it's all good.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Yes, she lied when she was caught out. I don't think that automatically means she's been cheating.


It means she had something to hide and that she is dishonest and cannot be trusted and her word is completely without value.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you have good reason to be cautious here.

What was her reaction to your request to address this with HR? Obviously if she is lying she could never do that. (However, I'm not a big fan of going to HR if you have a career that you depend on.)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Oxanar said:


> Should I be looking for more evidence to prove she's right?


I don't think you'll find it...its well covered thru her work.

I do however suggest having her take a polygraph test. Not only will it clear some things up, but it will show her how severe this has impacted you. Call it a consequence for her very unhealthy choices she has made.

I'd be curious to see how her reaction is when you tell her you have scheduled a lie detector test for next week!


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

If she cannot go to HR, you should push to out the OM to his wife. Since your wife is / was on FB with him, I am sure you can easily get the contact info for the OMW. Get it yourself.

Then make sure you put your wife in the car, drive down to the OMW home and break it to her. Or break the news to OMW over a phone call. You talk and explain everything. Dont let your wife do it. THEN put it on speaker and have your wife corroborate the story.

Additionally if you cannot trust your wife's version of events, use a polygraph or the threat of one.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Huge red flags every where. There is no privacy in marriage. The fact that she wouldn't answer her phone speaks volumes. 
This has affair written all over it. 
If I were you I would get a key logger, check her cell records to see who she is calling and how often, and get a VAR for her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Oxanar said:


> Here is the background. (apologies for the wall of text, just want to be sure everything is captured). Married 11 years. 2 kids. Both of us work. We are extremely happy together. I'll try to give as much unbiased information as possible as to what I'm dealing with. One year ago my wife lost a lot of weight. That immediately didn't arose any infidelity questions, but there were some other small things. I began to snoop her work email. (bad I know) Well I came across an email from her best friend that said something to the effect of "you wearing anything hot today, did you see anyone?" Obviously referencing her recent weight loss. But at the beginning of the email she was talking about how she recently cheated on her husband. Put that in context with the "see anyone" comment and I thought her friend was hinting that my wife was cheating. Fast forward 4 months. We saw a therapist. In addition to this email there was also a group of female and male friends that she would go out to lunch with. Not very frequently though. But one of the guys was on her FB and they were playing games together (as she would with a number of other people too). There were other things, but I thought her friendship at work was slightly bordering unprofessional. I think because they might have had a drink out all together at one of these lunches, and maybe some other things I noticed while snooping the email. Turns out there wasn't any infidelity at all. I was just very hyper sensitive and I need to trust her more. I needed to stop snooping her email which I did for a while.
> 
> Recently I began looking into her email again. No idea why, clearly I've got some of my own trust issues to work out. A week ago, I noticed that one of her female coworkers wanted to take her out for her birthday for lunch with this same group of guys. So I became moody that week as I knew she was going out with these people on Friday. She noticed this and she felt like she was walking on eggshells around me again. As Friday came, she did indeed go out. But she was there for nearly 4 hours. She didn't drive, the guy who I mentioned earlier drove most of them. I knew she was out for a while because I noticed her status on instant messenger was "Away". At about 4 pm I called her cell. She texted me back saying need something?I called again. She texted back saying she was in a meeting. I texted back asking her if she was at her comp which she simply replied with a no. This was odd because in meetings that comp goes with you. So I decided to drive down to her work. Her car was there. She clearly wasn't. I positioned my car a few rows back so that I could see her car and the front door to eventually see who she would come back with. I waited, as I knew she would get our youngest kid from daycare which meant she had to get back to the car. As I waited I saw her in the passenger seat with that guy driving (I knew what he looked like from his FB profile). Well they drove past the front door, nearly right by me and to the back of the parking lot. At first I thought oh hell no. But then I figured he just liked parking back there as do I in my parking lot. Well I waited for a minute, but nobody walked down from there. So I moved my car and I could see his parked to the side of the curb and then I was floored, thinking that they were making out in there. I moved it again for fear of them catching me and tried to position around again and I saw they were gone and he was dropping her off at front.
> 
> ...


Your wife lied to you. That is unfaithfulness. No indeed you should not be trusutn her more. A manager tried to seduce her after she was drinking with him.

Since she cannot commit to being NC with this guy I would insist she change jobs. If she can commit to NC then I would monitor her very closely. That would mean though that her phone should not be turning off and so on.

If she has an iPhone turn on the find my iPhone.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Why are you not outing OM to his wife? It doesnt look like she is willing to go NC on him, report him to HR or quit the job (or is she)? So what is your only option left - yes, thats right, you have to expose.

I get the feeling that you are holding off going aggressive on this because you think you have crossed some line by snooping on her activities. But my friend, think about it, if you hadnt, you would never have known about this incident. She would have gaslighted you and over a period of time, like all cheating scripts indicate, she would have allowed OM to get closer. You did absolutely the best thing by confronting at the right time.

Now dont do a half-assed effort. Make the situation affair proof.

If she remains on job, at a minimum expose to OMW.
Else she quits. Even then expose to OMW.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Also, while I dont think she is actively pursuing him, I would suggest putting a VAR in her car for a couple of weeks.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I am a female, if a friend came on to me and it was unwanted, etc, awkward, I would have left the vehicle.... not have them drive me to the front door. I am usually not one to jump to the cheating conclusion but she already had lied intentionally to you about her whereabouts and to her job... and went drinking... I would be very leery of her story, how convenient "he tried to kiss me"... I didn't want it etc. I could never be around such a person again, period. And if it was a manager, I would simply request to be under another manager, is that a possibility. I would absolutely address the issue of broken trust and do some research first of how her ONE lie, (you have no proof on the parking lot incident) is going to cause you a lot of issues with trust... once it's broken, it's so hard to rebuild. Going through that myself. She needs to make some serious strides in showing you change, for me, if the shoe were reversed I would definitely ask my spouse to start looking for another job and I would also question their judgement on having drinks for so long while on the job, what if she lost her job for that? What would that do to your family? sounds like bad decisions all the way around, which usually involve more bad decisions.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Definitely expose to the OMW, I wish I had done that in my situation.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Expose to his wife. Don't try to convince your wife to do it (she won't) and don't ask permission or forgiveness. Just do it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A lot of haters out there 

Look... why would she make up a story when he can go right to her office and confront the guy and find out she's lying?

I give her HALF a benefit of doubt but I'd still check on her. As for outing the guy, that depends on how bad they need the job because it would certainly be a career killer.

Rather, I think I'd walk down to the office myself and have a man-to-man discussion with the OM. Probably not say anything because the less you talk and the more OM talks, the clearer the picture will be. And I'd let him know that contacting his wife and HR are not off the table. That should keep him in line.

Then I'd tell him to put her in for a raise, increase her vacation time, and...


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> A lot of haters out there
> 
> Look... why would she make up a story when he can go right to her office and confront the guy and find out she's lying?
> 
> ...


No no no....I don't agree with the making of empty threats. If there is no impact to the OM, then all it does is makes him bolder. OP cant expose to HR. So that means he must expose to OMW. He can still keep the threat of exposing to HR. This way there is some repercussion to the OM without bringing attention from HR on his wife.

Think about it this way - if a person touches a fire and doesn't get burnt, he will try to do it again. Getting burnt creates a lasting memory and prevents repetition.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are being told by your wife and your therapist that you should trust her. However, you are the one who gets to decide what is acceptable in your marriage. This is based on what makes you feel safe and fulfilled. I think it's a reasonable rule in your marriage that there should be no socializing in bars with men. No putting herself in positions to get hit on. A policy that any man who befriends your wife wants only to get in her pants. You don't have to negoatiate these things.. Just give your wife the choice to accept them or leave.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

any updates?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Trickle truths!

Methinks more is going on here than his wife is feeding him. I'm ole school, trust... but verify. Like mentioned above, place a VAR under her seat. Continue to monitor her messages. IF anything is really going on, you finding out this much might of just pushed it more underground.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You're right about her never socializing with this guy again, he is playing a very old game of how to start an affair with a married woman. 

Drinks + talk, then isolate, and go for it. If she rebuffs you, retrench - appologize, say you were drunkish, then be her friend, get her to talk to you, seek out opportunities to isolate and repeat.

In most cases I do not recommend confronting the OM, but in this case I think it's important for him to know that your wife told you. I'd be talking to him - not threatening - but telling that he crossed a line with her and she does tell you everything, and that the line better never be crossed again, and he is not welcome around anymore.

You also need to talk to your wife. She MUST each and everytime tell you when stuff like that happens. No secrets like that - none. 

there is also the problem that she lied to you about being out. Not telling her boss is one thing - but not telling you isn't acceptable or a sign of a good marriage or good wife.

Finally, she had all that to drink and drove to pick up your kid? Not a good choice there.


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