# Does the AP matter? Or if it was not with them it would be with someone else?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

One statement that I hear constantly when discussing my ex-wife predicament and me being extremely pissed off at her AP - is "well if it was not with him it would be with someone else!" The statement has some truth to it BUT I get extremely pissed off thinking my ex did not fool around physically until he came around - so he must have had something to do with it. This statement always muddles up my emotions. What do others think?


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> One statement that I hear constantly when discussing my ex-wife predicament and me being extremely pissed off at her AP - is "well if it was not with him it would be with someone else!" The statement has some truth to it BUT I get extremely pissed off thinking my ex did not fool around physically until he came around - so he must have had something to do with it. This statement always muddles up my emotions. What do others think?


My FWH and I talked a lot about this. It took me a while to really wrap my mind around the addictive nature of an affair. Once I understood that, it made a lot of sense to realize that it WASN'T anything special about his OW. She happened to be in a place where she could meet some of his needs, and the addiction began. Yes, it could have been someone else. My H told me that it wasn't her; it was the 'hits' he kept getting from her.

Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? It helped explain that to me.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I think the AP is usually just at the right place at the right time. So I think there is definitely some truth that if it wasn't one particular AP, it would have been another. There is no shortage of opportunistic AP's who have their radar up for the unhappy vulnerabilities of a WS. It's an ego stroke for both sides. ETA: the WS also has their radar up for potential AP's - so it's not really that hard for them to find each other. Exchange secret email addresses or phone numbers and a few texts... and they're away to the races.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BT128,

Your wife's affair was all about her selfishness and illicit desires, nothing about you. If she was looking for attention from someone else... there is always plenty of takers.

You were just collateral damage.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thanks, RWB...so true of her....it hurts to hear that I was just collateral damage ...unfortunately we have two boys who are also collateral damage.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> One statement that I hear constantly when discussing my ex-wife predicament and me being extremely pissed off at her AP - is "well if it was not with him it would be with someone else!" The statement has some truth to it BUT I get extremely pissed off thinking my ex did not fool around physically until he came around - so he must have had something to do with it. This statement always muddles up my emotions. What do others think?


Its true. 

Your wife cheated because she wanted to. You think OM is the only man in the world who could've slept with her?

You're sadly mistaken if you believe that. Also no one 'falls into' an affair. Affairs happen when there aren't proper boundaries and the spouse is signaling for it.

I've been hit on, and I've quickly turned them down by my demeanor. Its quite simple. Your wife could have done the same, she just didn't wish to.

Takes two to tango, but first someone has to ask for a dance or accept one so yeah OM isn't the meat of the affair since theres individual culpability on both parts every step of the way. 

So no goes blame to OM? Hell no. I say blame both of them, but the spouse always gets the bigger share of responsibility for the affair since the spouse was married.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

There was absolutely NOTHING special about my H's AP. Nothing. So I am positive it was a matter of exposure. They spent way too much time together(worked together). 10hrs a day/5 days a week. He spent as much time as possible with HER. But I think SHE could have been anyone. It wasnt about her. It was about him. His weakness and need for attention and validation. His need for an ego stroke. ANYONE breathing can do that. So yes, I think if it hadnt been HER it would just have been someone else. So I guess I'll count my lucky stars bc SHE was a predator and he got burned BIG time. Instead of her being some nice girl(ha) who had genuine(ha) emotion for him- or anyone. She was/is a predator. He was not her first A and wont be her last. 

I suspect this is true in most scenerios. Opportunity knocks and the wayward answers.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

My WW's POSOM is an ex, and i think this skews the whole thing differently. One of them, at some level, still wanted the other. Knew which buttons to press. And theres the whole 'stepping-back-25 years-thing", so i don't think it could have been anyone. So i feel justified in directing some of my anger at POSOM.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Yessongs72 said:


> My WW's POSOM is an ex, and i think this skews the whole thing differently. One of them, at some level, still wanted the other. Knew which buttons to press. And theres the whole 'stepping-back-25 years-thing", so i don't think it could have been anyone. So i feel justified in directing some of my anger at POSOM.


I agree, but I think there are just some people who are attractive enough to get through one's normal defenses. I've had a very high number of offers in the last 30 years, but there was only one time that I was actually contemplating action. It was very easy to turn down all the rest. It's like a con game for some guys/girls. There's a reason why entrapment by an agent provocateur is a defense in a criminal case.

Death the the OMs of the world.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I've never been in the situation but I have known enough people who have been cheated on to see that there is nothing special about APs other than availability and low morals. 
Lots of people find an AP who is less attractive than their spouse. And no one can figure WTF this person was thinking. 
I really believe there is a mindset toward an A that happens before the AP turns up. It's just a matter of time. 
Im sorry for what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I've never been in the situation but I have known enough people who have been cheated on to see that there is nothing special about APs other than availability and low morals.
> Lots of people find an AP who is less attractive than their spouse. And no one can figure WTF this person was thinking.
> I really believe there is a mindset toward an A that happens before the AP turns up. It's just a matter of time.
> Im sorry for what you are going through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you ---- all this true on my STBXWs affair...
she was available, had low morals (but always claimed she had high morals), AP was less attractive (so much so had her relatives asking WTF she was doing). I like the mindset part. She was hanging out with a friend who was recently divorced and loving coming into town having sex with random dudes.
all true in my case.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> There was absolutely NOTHING special about my H's AP. Nothing. So I am positive it was a matter of exposure. They spent way too much time together(worked together). 10hrs a day/5 days a week. He spent as much time as possible with HER. But I think SHE could have been anyone. It wasnt about her. It was about him. His weakness and need for attention and validation. His need for an ego stroke. ANYONE breathing can do that. So yes, I think if it hadnt been HER it would just have been someone else. So I guess I'll count my lucky stars bc SHE was a predator and he got burned BIG time. Instead of her being some nice girl(ha) who had genuine(ha) emotion for him- or anyone. She was/is a predator. He was not her first A and wont be her last.
> 
> I suspect this is true in most scenerios. Opportunity knocks and the wayward answers.


Sounds just like my h ap. maybe they're the same b!$ch
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Thank you ---- all this true on my STBXWs affair...
> she was available, had low morals (but always claimed she had high morals), AP was less attractive (so much so had her relatives asking WTF she was doing). I like the mindset part. She was hanging out with a friend who was recently divorced and loving coming into town having sex with random dudes.
> all true in my case.


I am glad to see that other WS had AP that were worse looking than their spouse. My STBXW's AP was much worse looking than me as well, and although its vain, if you were going to do it, why not choose someone better looking than your spouse?

She also claimed if it wasn't him, it would've been someone else, but I'm not so sure. I was never aware of any problems in our marriage, everyone said we were the happiest couple they know, but her demeanor changed immediately when he showered her with praise at work, they exchanged thousands of texts and emails. She began to pull away and since I never thought she would cheat on me, I thought she was going through a phase and gave her her space, biggest mistake of my life.

I find it really hard to believe she would cheat on me with a random stranger, she was never like that. I believe she got confused by his praises, and when he heard "marital issues" in the conversation he pounced and took advantage of her low self esteem and depressed state. I think they're both poor excuses for human beings, but I place the blame on both of them equally.

You can only say "if it wasn't him, it'd be with someone else" after you checked out of your marriage, and unfortunately, she didn't check out until he entered the picture and polluted her mind about our marriage problems. So no, I don't believe if it wasn't one it'd be another, I just think they think they "love" the AP and are trying to protect them when they say that so you don't destroy their relationship and they can get back together when your marriage is done. Just my theory, but every story and situation is different no matter how similar the script is.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I asked my WH and he said that he was not looking for anyone and his AP did pursue him for almost a year (this I know and he says no)so his response was that he was unfaithful bc she was the person, she pursued and offer the chance and the opportunity ws there while we were having trouble. Hope this helps you since it did not help me, it just made me feel less important and special.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> but her demeanor changed immediately when he showered her with praise at work, they exchanged thousands of texts and emails. She began to pull away and since I never thought she would cheat on me, *I thought she was going through a phase and gave her her space, biggest mistake of my life.*
> 
> I believe she got confused by his praises, and when he heard "marital issues" in the conversation he pounced and *took advantage of her low self esteem and depressed state*. I think they're both poor excuses for human beings, but I place the blame on both of them equally.
> 
> * she didn't check out until he entered the picture and polluted her mind about our marriage problems*. I just think they think they "love" the AP and are trying to protect them when they say that so you don't destroy their relationship and they can get back together when your marriage is done. Just my theory, but every story and situation is different no matter how similar the script is.


All true in my situation......


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

cattiva said:


> Sounds just like my h ap. maybe they're the same b!$ch
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


wouldnt surprise me a lick.. hi-ho, hi-ho!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the AP does matter. They're like a carcinogen. If they weren't present the cancer - the affair - would not have happened.

The idea of it isn't them , it would just be someone, is a falsehood told by cheaters to remove the blame and deserved fallout from the AP.

You don't treat cancer with kid gloves or respect - you go after it until it is dead and gone from the body.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I think the AP does matter. They're like a carcinogen. If they weren't present the cancer - the affair - would not have happened.
> 
> The idea of it isn't them , it would just be someone, is a falsehood told by cheaters to remove the blame and deserved fallout from the AP.
> 
> You don't treat cancer with kid gloves or respect - you go after it until it is dead and gone from the body.


Agree that the AP is a cancer. But the WS is a chain smoker!

I think of the AP more like a drug pusher. If the WS doesn't get their fix from one pusher, they would get it from another.


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