# Divorce: The life style change



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......

Was it as bad as you thought it would be?

I just read something in a different thread that made me think to ask.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me yes. Partly because of the suddenness and devastating trauma of what happened and why the ending of the marriage had to happen, plus the awful effect it had on myself and the children, and partly because I was left with 3 children with hardly anything financially and due to the stress of it all, poor health for years. We also eventually had to sell our home. I truly think that it would have been far easier for us if he had died. 

However for my now husband, his was almost a relief. They had already had a one year separation not long before, and things weren't good between them, and not long afterwards we met and married 9 months later. Not to say that he didn't feel pain, his ex met another man and divorced him after all, but his was a very different situation. Mind you he did have to leave his home, so that wasn't easy either.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

For me personally, the lifestyle change was only in terms of relationships - my ex-husband, the children, friends and family.

It was very, very stressful. 

Since I initiated the divorce, I was the evil one. Still am to some. 

But it was worth it. I've not had one moment of regret.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm not officially divorced yet (signing the papers next week!!!) but so far, no it has not been as bad as all that. But, I am financially independent from my STBX. I don't need and/or want his money and I think that can make all the difference. Am I rolling in dough? Nope, but I make enough to support myself and my kids and have some niceties sometimes, dinner out, vacations, etc. I have all I need and somethings I want and for me, that's enough out of life.

As far as the change in my life, that's been good, very good. By the end of my marriage I was very depressed, and felt like my soul had been crushed by my situation. I'm now happy, very happy actually and it's good. Not every part of my life is good but that's just real life isn't it? I'm working on improving those things that I can and looking forward to the day when I can pay off all the debt my husband left me and buy my own house again and not have to live right next to my STBX. That will be a good day indeed!! :grin2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well I have been through it three times, so which time should we refer to?? LOL! 

Speaking across the board.. my issues have been financial. I have struggled money-wise my whole adult life more or less, in the times I have been on my own. After I left my first husband, the money struggle was absolutely WORTH being away from that angry, self centered, depressed man. Same was true with my second separation/divorce. There is nothing like being free of someone who has made you miserable. Money struggles are very bearable in comparison, for sure. I never have had a second of regret.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well I have been through it three times, so which time should we refer to?? LOL! .


Well I guess your not a quitter 🙂


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## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

* Not intending a thread-jack here * mods: please advise & I'll start my own.

This is just what I needed to hear. I was going to start a thread asking how much post-divorce happiness people had pre-planned for themselves--in the way of life-style changes--_before _they pulled the trigger.

I've heard we do not need to have a clear vision of what our sunny future will play out like, but instead just simply taking the first step of separating is all that is required. It is a giant leap of faith for me because I can't close my eyes and picture everything better. Lots seems worse off the bat (except for that one nice benefit of being rid of a less-than-desirable SO!) 

The fact the responses here are so positive says a lot.

If anyone replying to the OP's question of "Was it as bad as you thought it would be?" has anything to add about how much you knew beforehand that you'd start doing or stop doing to make yourself feel better I'd love to hear it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Mr.Married said:


> So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......
> 
> Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
> 
> I just read something in a different thread that made me think to ask.


My first marriage, we owned our own million dollar business, each had a new car, and had a 6000 sqft house on a lot that had a regulation size football field in the front yard. My ExH was the cheater, we had two kids that he barely spent any time with, and I was young myself. I was afraid. I knew our lifestyle would change, and I wasn't afraid of "being poor"--we were poor when I was a kid--but what scared me was that I just could not envision life after divorce! How would I ever be happy again? Where would we all live and not lose our pets? How can I raise kids and take care of a home and do everything by myself? To me it felt like my path was completely pitch black dark, and I couldn't even see one foot in front of the other, much less see ahead. 

But I decided to just take one step...then another...then another. I definitely could not see (I was walking in the dark) BUT I could take one step. 

After the divorce, we closed the business, so I lost my job/income. Well...I got a job working for the feds! And boy if that's not the most steady, dependable job ever, I don't know what is! After the divorce, we sold our huge house. Well...the kids and I found a perfect townhome where we each had our own bedroom and bathroom, and they let us keep our pets, AND we had a community swimming pool. I didn't have to do any lawn maintenance or "fixing the roof"--they did that for me! After the divorce, I made about 1/4-1/3 of what my ExH made each year. Well...I had a nice steady gubmint job and could pay my bills and then some, and he did pay CS, which I used to pay our house payment. He literally paid for a roof over his kids' head, and he didn't have to wonder "where did my CS go?" After the divorce, I didn't have to deal with ExH's lying, cheating, and abusing, and after a little while I realized my life was calm and steady and quiet. I thought, "Huh...so this is what peace feels like" and it was good. After the divorce, I figured "Who would want a mid-30's lady with two kids and some baggage?" so I thought I'd be alone in the world. You know who wanted a mid-30's lady with two kids? An early 40's guy with FIVE KIDS!! 

My point is that each and every thing that I was afraid of DID in fact change, and yet literally each and every one was a change for the better. Life was good. I was happy, my kids were happy, and I grew by leaps and bounds. And it took some time, but I even eventually found someone whom I loved who also loved me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......
> 
> Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
> 
> I just read something in a different thread that made me think to ask.


Well, in all honesty, for me.....it has been worse than I thought it would be. 

Maybe it's because mine was not an awful marriage. There was resentment on both sides but nothing I felt we could not have worked through with some effort. 

Maybe it's because the separation/divorce moved very fast. We were married almost 20 years and he moved out 2 months after he first asked for a divorce. The divorce was final 3.5 months after that. 

Maybe it's because I have shared custody of my son and only get to see him 50% of the time. 

Maybe it's because I lost almost every member of his family. I keep in touch with one my sister in laws and his brother. I haven't talked to anyone else in over 15 months. 

Maybe it's because I do not have family who lives nearby so my support system is not as strong as if my parents and siblings lived closer.

Maybe it's because I've had a really difficult time finding the kind of intimacy I desperately want with someone else and haven't accepted that it will probably never be. 

I used to be very quick to tell people who came on here complaining about their spouses to divorce. Now I say divorce if you are happier alone than with your spouse. The grass is not greener and the price of divorce is steep, at least it's been for me and I didn't even want it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......
> 
> Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
> 
> I just read something in a different thread that made me think to ask.


The fear and uncertainty _beforehand_ was the worst part of it all. Once I made the decision and implemented it, life was far better than I expected. In fact, I was soon happier and healthier than I'd been in decades. I had plenty of money, although I had to be more careful with it. The lifestyle changes were almost all positive - freedom, less stress,dating women who were actually _nice_ people, ....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TrueToMe said:


> * Not intending a thread-jack here * mods: please advise & I'll start my own.
> 
> This is just what I needed to hear. I was going to start a thread asking how much post-divorce happiness people had pre-planned for themselves--in the way of life-style changes--_before _they pulled the trigger.
> 
> ...


For those who know for some time that they are going to leave, they have that advantage to plan ahead. For those who like me had no warning, that's of course not possible. Also it does depend on the length of the marriage, one that has lasted only a few years is going to be easier to recover from than one that has lasted many, 25 in my case. Also if there are no children its easier as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well I have been through it three times, so which time should we refer to?? LOL!
> 
> Speaking across the board.. my issues have been financial. I have struggled money-wise my whole adult life more or less, in the times I have been on my own. After I left my first husband, the money struggle was absolutely WORTH being away from that angry, self centered, depressed man. Same was true with my second separation/divorce. There is nothing like being free of someone who has made you miserable. Money struggles are very bearable in comparison, for sure. I never have had a second of regret.


Wow not sure if you are brave or what. I think I would give up after 2 divorces. :surprise:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Wow not sure if you are brave or what. I think I would give up after 2 divorces. :surprise:




Gee thanks. Nope, pretty sure I’m just that stupid, as you seem to think judging by your comment. 

But no, really I AM brave. I won’t tolerate the kind of bull crap and abuse like we see so many posters here doing. I give it a chance for a bit but once I see the reality that it’s not going to change, eff you, I’m out. Life is too short for that. I watched my mom being verbally and mentally abused by my dad for many years growing up, and i swore I wouldn’t put up with that kind of crap from any man. Struggling on your own beats the hell out of someone else disrespecting you and making you miserable in your own home any day. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I think that I have had more money after the divorce than before. 

My kids were grown, I settled with her and it was fair for the most part. 

I think it is worse for her. And frankly I could care less. 

Hate to be so cruel but I don't care at all. 

Plus, my Fiancé carries her own weight so while that is a new experience for me, an a little uncomfortable, it is really great. 

But I don't want anyone thinking I am a kept man!!!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr.Married said:


> So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......
> 
> Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
> 
> I just read something in a different thread that made me think to ask.


I was in my mid to late 20s with no kids, so temper my answer. 

My divorce sucked. Then was weird. Then was awesome. 

The sucking was the part where my whole identity and best friend went away. Everything I thought mattered and that I trusted was a lie. So that sucked. 

Then, I just let myself get eccentric. All the things I couldn’t do because I was married to a very conservative person I did. Bought a sports car. Built a bachelor pad decorated my way. Ate what I wanted, when I wanted. Partied like a rock star. Listened to crazy music. Played video games until 3AM. Started writing again, started drawing again. Hung out with artists, musicians, and eccentric people. Dated whoever crossed my path and turned my head. Tried out various relationship models. It was a weird time. 

Then, it just got awesome. I met my future wife and started dating her. I’d whisk her away for sex-filled weekends. We travelled together, backpacked through South America, partied on topless beaches in Mexico, then bought a place together and started our life. 

All that happened in a span of about 3-4 years.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> > So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......
> ...




Fantastic response......and Congratulations!!


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## timcarp1964 (Mar 26, 2019)

I am just getting back on here and appreciate this thread. I plan to tell my wife I want a divorce this week. I have been wondering how she will take it. We have lived separate lives for over 2 years, slept in separate bedrooms, etc, so it shouldn't be a surprise. We have been to counseling but it's not helping. I am dying and unhappy. I know if I stay, I will cheat on her again, and I can't do that to her, my kids, or myself. 
She's a stay at home mom, much to my disdain. I have begged her to go back to work, but she's lazy and unmotivated. The house is a mess and she hasn't unboxed her stuff from a move 18 months ago. She does have a lot of ....stuff yeah stuff. 
So a question for you who are worse off financially after divorce. If you had been given 50% of your spouse's take home pay, would that have made it better? I am just trying to figure out the right equation to not devastate my wife. I can probably even make the mortgage payment and let her stay in the house while I get a small cheap apartment, but I don't think she can take care of the house.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

We had no kids and the marriage was less than two years.

She had not worked, and as it was in Denmark, equality mattered. We pretty much took out what we had put in, plus she got a $45,000 payout. Bascially, I could have taken her to court and paid less, but I did not want to lose a year of my life that way. 

The year leading up to that was truely horrible. The next year was amazing and brilliant. Of course, being a middle aged man with no kids was different. Dating attractive women was a breeze, though I was in a college town so they were often far younger. 

Had I been divorced with the American or UK system, it would have been very different.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

We had three kids, all grown except the youngest was in high school. Married for just under 26 years. The worst part for me was the worry about how my kids and in-laws would take the news as I was the one leaving. It’s now two years later and the kids and in-laws have all taken the whole thing well. I’m still invited to family gatherings with the in-laws which has helped my kids with the adjustment.

As for myself, I was afraid of the unknown changes that might happen and the financial aspect but things all fell into place for me at every step of the way. I now have a great job that allows me to support myself and my youngest and I found a home that’s perfect for us. 

My life is peaceful when I stop and compare it to what it was before. I do worry about emergencies cropping up and having none of my family nearby to support me but I have a great support system at work with people who would help me if I needed it. 

All in all my divorce changed my quality of life for the better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*

Marriage One - the hurt of finding out your wife had cheated on you, all for the procurement of a lofty salaried corporate position, and embracing uncare, loneliness, mistrust, uncaring family lawyers, family members who didn't seem to care, although some did, open heart surgery and fast-track recuperation, the absence of my young impressionable sons, child support, although she made nearly 5x my salary, cutback in visitations because she mandated it, not the court, a move back to her town during older sons senior year after he was thrown out of her house, to offer him a place to live, finish high school, and play football, and all but giving up refereeing football to watch him play his games on Friday night, jadedness, Boyfriends/Stage Door Johnny's perched in the domicile, while my sons were living in the house, et.al.

RSXW- mistrust, loneliness, sleepless nights alone while she covertly ran the Texas highways to see men of her past, narcissistic tendencies and love of money, her well-cloistered, hidden alcoholism; her own teenage kids embracing truancy, alcohol, illegal drugs, and ultimately jail; poverty after being subjected to the lap of luxury and being abandoned out onto the street; shunned by in-laws who once cared for and loved me who chose to listen to her many narcissistic lies and untruths; re-raped by the family court system, et.al. 

Then God saw fit to have embraced me with his love! 

I don't have much left, but I offer it all up to anyone who offers to show me, or the ones I love, an ounce of compassion, but I cannot muster up the courage or trust to find romantic love once again, for fear of being relegated and hurled back into careless depravity! I cannot ever subject myself to reliving that unpalatable scenario again! Ever!

In God is my dying trust and also in my dog ~ as I can no longer find a viable trust or a compassionate heart in any potential romantic interest or potential partner! I cannot allow myself to do it out of nothing but sheer and abject fear of refailure!

*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@arbitrator, please forgive yourself. Your 2nd marriage was a ****-show from the get go. You just didn't know it. You were naive and trusting. Now, that your eyes are opened you will be able to make better decisions and trust in those decisions. 

I have confidence that you will find a mate who will be ideally suited for you after you have afforded yourself the same grace that you would afford others.


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## timcarp1964 (Mar 26, 2019)

True that Blondi. Arb, learn to love yourself like God does. Journal what you learned out of those crap relationships. I would also recommend a support group/counseling. If you want to be loved again, I am sure you will find a healthy relationship.
Good luck and God bless


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

The hardest obstacle for me was dealing with the guilt over the end of my marriage. It was totally my fault it ended (I cheated multiple times), and ultimately it was me that decided to leave the marriage. She wanted to keep trying. So I felt really really bad about it. I pretty much sat in a dark apartment for about two years. During that time I made some pretty puzzling decisions when it came to whom I was dating, as well as the company I kept. I just felt like a failure. I was a miserable human being, but I was unaware that I was miserable if that makes sense. 

Then one day I realized I couldn't keep living like that. I needed to forgive myself. It was easier said than done. There are still family and friends that try to shame me for ending my marriage, trying to make me feel guilty because of the kids. But these days it doesn't bother me. I just ignore it. They mean well, but ultimately they aren't the ones that have to spend the next three decades in a marriage to my ex. Its me that would have to do that if I went back, and its not what I want. If you are the one that has decided to end the marriage you will take a lot of criticism. But the reality is that by leaving you are making the best choice for both of you, if your heart isn't in it.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I initiated both of my divorces and expected it to be a rough ride. It was as they both fought for everything they could get and did all they could to wreck my reputation and future. But I knew they would do this - so I rode it out - fought back - and prevailed. I was able to look forward to life again so after all was official I rebuilt and have the peace, calm, and emotional/life stability I got divorced for. 

Like the old joke says - why is divorce so expensive ? Because it's worth it. I am glad for people who are happily married. I wasn't one of them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Don't get me wrong! I'm not jaded at the institution of marriage and trusted relationships because I've failed miserably ~ far from it!

Nothing makes my heart jump and sing like seeing a young premarital couple in love who are so emotionally entwined in each other; walking together hand in hand, with the unbridled faith, unselfishness, and trust that you can sense; a young married couple out with their young kids and who exude the very existence of their love not only to each other, but to their own children, and more importantly the emanation of that love that is projected unto the observing world!

But the greatest example of love is the older, Near decrepit committed couple who cannot get around as well as they did in their younger years, but cleave to each other in faithful and loving adoration knowing that they have traveled life's roadmap together with their loving trust being a foregone conclusion!

Fortunately, I experienced the first two episodes and they were nothing short of a high of an unparalleled proportions.

The unfortunate thing is that in my advanced dotage, I am now so beaten down and humanly untrusting by the negativity of my past. 

Not saying that will ever happen in my lifetime, but if it ever does, that occurrence will be solely ordained by and brought about by the presence and loving resolve of our Heavenly Father!

*


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I didn’t want my divorce. I did everything from my end that I could so I don’t have a guilty conscious. Sometimes I still feel like I was thrown away, or wasn’t good enough. I try not to dwell on it but sometimes that negativity sneaks up on you. 

My lifestyle changed a lot because I made him my life. His family was my family, his mom was my best friend, his brother was my buddy. I was closer to his family than my own.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

timcarp1964 said:


> I am just trying to figure out the right equation to not devastate my wife. I can probably even make the mortgage payment and let her stay in the house while I get a small cheap apartment, but I don't think she can take care of the house.


Tim, you are looking at this the wrong way.

Only agree legally to the minimum you are required to. Talk to an attorney before you sign any paperwork or make any verbal agreements. You can always give more than the court mandates.

If she is willing to mediate then give that a good try. But don't give away the farm!

Keep in mind that things can and will change. What if she remarries soon? What if she moves to a smaller place, and/or gets room mates? What if she inherits money or wins the lottery?

What happens after you are legally separated is her business, not yours. It sounds cold maybe, but it is true. She is an adult with free choice, so she has the right to make her choices and the responsibility to live with the consequences. And the same goes for you, btw.

Don't be the hero knight in shining armor riding in on your horse to save her!

Now this doesn't mean to be a jerk. Maybe there is a need for you to give her short term financial help. But remember that the more generous you are the less motivation she will have to become independent!

The #1 financial mistake divorced women make is trying to keep the family home. The truth is there isn't enough money for 2 households of the same quality. Each person should take the same decrease in lifestyle.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

For me the divorce process was relatively polite compared to many. Our kids were all over 18, so there weren't complications over custody or child support. Still, it was painful and frustrating at times.

For the first 2 years afterwards the finances were quite tight. It was the transition that cost money, such as a downpayment on the condo which required taking a maximum loan from my 401k. After 2 years I found I had more disposable $ than I had before the divorce.

The change in routine and finding my own new normal took a year or two.

Overall the right thing was divorce. Like many decisions, it isn't always an easy path but the final outcome is worth it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had a very long marriage and expected to be in it until the end. My life changed dramatically, and there was definitely an adjustment period, but I don’t regret my divorce at all. I wish I had gotten out sooner but at least I got out with some time left to enjoy my life. Many don’t.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

We're going to be filing the divorce "soon". The adjustment to two households is still a bit of an ongoing process. It seems like the kids' school stuff is always ending up at the wrong household, or the book they want to read, or move they want to watch. As a simplification we share video streaming accounts (I pay Netflix and she pays Amazon) so the kids can continue watching whatever from the house they happen to be at.

The logistics of divorce seems to just keep on going. Electric company, phone company, mortgage, cars, and on and on.

Home life is so much more peaceful for me. I appreciate not having my plans with the kids questioned or canceled. I can get the housework done at my own pace without rushing or criticism when the kids aren't here. I've vacuumed the floor incorrectly for a whole year now and nothing (obviously) bad has happened. It is amazing.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> So we all hear about the fears in divorce. No money, forced life style changes, uncertainty.......
> 
> Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
> 
> I just read something in a different thread that made me think to ask.


Mine isn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I do have more money available then I thought I would; I can put my shoes were ever I want with no fear of getting yelled at; I am better rested; I have hobbies I never had a chance to have before and overall, I feel so much better


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, I have had to interact with my ex on some tax stuff the last week or two. 

God Forgive me, I Hate that women. I don't really want to feel this way, but I do. 

I usually am indifferent but she sees a way to stick it to me again and she is trying her best. 

I am sure she hates me and I could care less. But, I thought or hoped for her sake and I don't know maybe her soul that she would maybe turn into a better person???? I don't know? 

But the fact that I have to deal with her at all just burns my butt. 

Being away from her and divorcing her is the single best thing I have done in my life besides my kids.


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