# Percy's Progress



## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Before I start I would like thank people who have posted here. The experiences and advice have really helped.
So, about me. I am just over two months into separation from my husband. To cut a long story short he has an alcohol problem, he hates his life and his solution was to start a new relationship behind my back. I asked him to leave.
I have managed to remain fairly dignified in very trying circumstances. I have maintained the 180 for 49 days (yes, I have been counting!) but have fallen today. I sent a text to my husband telling him I was getting rid of some of our shared stuff. Problem is I then followed it up with another text telling him one of the cats thought he was a kn*b.
I now acknowledge I need help from people on here.
We have no children. My aim (when I'm thinking straight) is divorce and moving on. However, like most people, I am bouncing so quickly between rage and sadness I am exhausted and confused.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Addiction and infidelity.

I know these problems well.

Cut him loose. He has to fix himself. 

Maintain a strict 180.

You made a mistake by contacting him. 

Pick yourself up and don't do it again.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks Gutpunch.
I have read your thread & it really has helped.
I know I have to leave him to get on with his wonderful new life with the amazing woman he has found (yes, I am seething with resentment at the moment!) and move on.
Cool, calm & dispassionate...I have learnt that during my time on here.
I just need to control my need to inflict sarcastic, venomous text messages on my husband. 
I have started this thread in the hope I vent here instead.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

percy said:


> I just need to control my need to inflict sarcastic, venomous text messages on my husband.


That was my BIGGEST problem, in the beginning. When you're mad, it's too easy to be nasty. Now, when I have to talk to mine, I'm as sweet as I can be, because that results in a much quicker conversation. 

Welcome!


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

My husband and I were together for fourteen years and married for just under seven.
We had both known the OW for over two years. She is a work colleague of my husband and at one point I saw her as a mutual friend.
To my best knowledge the affair started around Feb 18th this year. That is when the alarm sounded in my head. Unfortunately it sounded too late, I think the emotional connection was well established by then.
I confronted my husband twice, both times I was assured that there was no one else & he had every intention of making our relationship work.
My instincts told me he was lying so I started reading his text messages. There was the proof.
I confronted him again. He tried again to deny it but I told him I knew as someone had seen them together and told me (I didn't admit to reading his text messages as I still wanted that advantage). He admitted an emotional relationship (said it wasn't physical, I still don't believe that), said he didn't know what he wanted, wasn't sure if he loved me etc, etc. I asked him to consider what he stood to lose & said I was willing to work through this.
The next day he went to work, I called in sick (I was a mess). When he came home I asked if he'd seen OW, he said he hadn't. When he fell asleep I checked his messages. He had arranged to meet her during his break at work.
The next morning I took his key & asked him to leave. He took his toothbrush and a bag of random clothing and ran straight to the OW.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

HappyKaty said:


> That was my BIGGEST problem, in the beginning. When you're mad, it's too easy to be nasty. Now, when I have to talk to mine, I'm as sweet as I can be, because that results in a much quicker conversation.
> 
> Welcome!


My anger always manifests in a vicious tongue (I'm only 5 ft 2 so it is my only defence!) and I can be very, very vicious.
Before I consciously applied the 180 I sent some nasty text messages about him and the OW. At least most of them still make me laugh. For 49 days I have been very good, but when I'm bad I'm horrid!
Thanks for the welcome!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Lol...Vent here. That's what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

I cannot sleep. I have suffered from insomnia & sleep paralysis since my early teens & the stress of the past few weeks have brought it on. 
I need to vent. I have excellent friends (I had no idea how great my friends are until now, I will never forget it), I have well meaning parents (who have been married for 42 years and are slightly bewildered by the sudden emotional mess their daughter is in) and I have a sister who has been an unwavering beacon of support but everyone has their limits & their own problems so I shall vent here.
My Dday was 24/03/13. Husband scurried off to OW on 26/03/13. At first I was a mess. I was completely in shock. What sort of a person decides they no longer love their wife and is done with their marriage but decides that the best course of action is to start another life behind their wife's back and just not bother to tell her they've moved on?
I knew my husband was unhappy. I knew our relationship had hit a rocky patch. He was unhappy with his life. He was drinking far too much and I was worried. I tried to talk to him. I told him that I felt I was second best to beer, that his relationship with alcohol was more important than his relationship with me. I tried to help & support him. We had been here before & survived. 
However this time the rules had changed without my knowledge. While I was telling him he needed to change & work on his issues someone else was massaging his ego (and other things), telling him he was a wonderful person, he deserved to be happy and she loved him just the way he was. Suddenly I was part of the problem, part of his unhappiness. I never stood a chance.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I like you, Percy. You're a smart chick, and you're far ballsier than the majority.  

What do you want out of this?


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks Katy.
At the moment my head wants to detatch and move on with my life.
I spent long enough being second best to alcohol, I have no intention of moving to bronze medal position now there is another woman on the scene.
My husband did not want to work on his problems or our marriage. He wanted the easy option of his new relationship, where everything is wonderful. He says he loves her. They are two very selfish people who deserve each other.
Things are very clear when my head is in charge.
However, like many people on this forum my heart is really struggling to let go of the man I fell in love with and married. My head tells me this person no longer exists. My heart refuses to accept this.
When my heart is in charge I want to reach out, lash out or hide under the duvet sobbing.
I am hoping that by posting here I can get some better perspective.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

It was around 16th Feb that I started noticing a sudden and confusing change in my husband's behaviour.
He started staying out late drinking, ignoring my phone calls and texts. I don't think I saw him sober from here until I confront him on March 24th.
With the joy of hindsight I now know this was when the PA started. He had been to the OW's mother's birthday party (at the time I did not know this) an event I was neither informed about nor invited to. I still struggle to get my head around the sheer audacity of this on both their parts.
Two weeks later I sit him down and confront him about what is going on. He cries. I ask him if there is someone else (I had strong suspicions by now), he denies it. The next day he has planned to go to a rugby match with friends. I know about this. He stays out all night. I later find out that he had gone with the OW and not met up with his friends.
Skip forward a week and suddenly his social life at work becomes much busier than it ever has been. There are suddenly drinks and meals out after work he wants to attend. I confront him about his behaviour again. I say I am worried about our marriage and that he wants to leave. He assures me that is not going to happen.
I am not convinced. One morning I get up early and read his text messages (something I had never done before). I find text messages between him & OW professing their love for each other, messages arranging to meet up, I read one where he tells he she is the only thing worthwhile in his rotten, stinking life. I find out her pet name for him is 'sexy bum'.
I say nothing at first. He goes to work. I kiss him goodbye as usual & tell him I hope he has a good day.
I ring my sister and a friend and tell them what I've found out. I pick two people I know will be brutally honest with me. They are unanimous. Confront him with what you know, if he doesn't fall to his knees begging for forgiveness kick him out.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

The day I found out about the affair I was off work. 
I went into auto pilot. I went to the bank to pay a cheque in, I did some food shopping and housework. I sent my husband a text telling him about my day. I bought myself a big, fat cake and ate it.
Thankfully I snapped out of it. With my sister's help I sat and worked out what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. I sat down with a calculator and worked out if I could afford to keep the house on (we rent) if he walked. I could. I think deep down I knew he was too lazy and selfish to put the hard work into putting things right. I felt calm and in control.
My MIL rang. I have a good relationship with her. I had sent her a message earlier in the week as my husband's grandmother was very ill. I told her I was worried about my husband and our marriage. I told her that he had grown close to another woman, he was lying about his relationship with her and that our marriage was in trouble. She was very supportive and concerned.
About five hours after he finished work my husband comes home roaring drunk. He is agitated. His mother had rang him. He wants to know the details of our conversation. I stay calm and carry on as normal. This is easy as he is so drunk and panicked he cannot think straight. He is furiously trying to text someone, he gives up in drunken frustration throwing his phone on the floor. I make him some food, put a dvd on and leave him to it. He falls asleep. I check his phone. He has been texting his sister desperately trying to find out if she knows the details of my conversation with his mother.
How I did not club him to death in his sleep with the griddle pan is something I still wonder about to this day.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

The next day we are both off work. He is cagey, hungover and quiet
Again I start a conversation about our relationship and that I am concerned about his behaviour. He has another opportunity to tell me the truth and he doesn't.
I make dinner and after we have eaten I calmly ask 'What is going on between you and OW?'. He tries to deny it. I tell him I know because someone has seen them together and told me, that they had not been as discrete as they thought.
He tells me the relationship is not physical (which I don't believe), he doesn't know what he wants, we weren't getting on (we weren't but that was because of his behaviour) and he didn't mean for it to happen (of course not). When pushed he admits that he has told OW he will leave me for her but says he isn't sure how much he loves her.
I tell him that I am willing to work on us but have a feeling he is just trying to buy himself time.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

I do not sleep at all. I call in sick at work. Husband goes to work, most likely desperate to speak to OW to check his options.
Calm and in control has gone out of the window. I am a sobbing wreck. In between the bouts of sobbing I clean like a woman possessed.
I start sorting through 'our' stuff. I open the drawer where we keep all the cards and letters. I sort all of his, including the ones I sent him, into a bag. I sort all of the bank statements, payslips, documents, etc and put all of his in a box file. I feel powerless and take it out on the contents of the house.
I sit and write my husband a letter. I ask him to think carefully before he throws away 14 years of shared experiences, memories and again say that I am willing to work together on our problems. I fall asleep on the sofa exhausted.
Just after midnight my husband comes home (his shift finished at 9.30pm). I ask if he has seen OW, he says that he hasn't and that he has been for a few drinks. I hug him, his jumper smells of perfume. Part of me wonders when he became such a cliche.
I give him the letter and go to bed.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

All your posts are rehashing and reliving your pain and focusing on him. Get yourself out of that victim's chair and start looking at yourself. Your husband did terrible things that hurt you. He's an a$$ for doing so.

But what is it about yourself that needs work in the meantime? That viscous tongue probably masks an inability to deal with pain without lashing out at others...why? How did you learn to protect yourself through hurting others? 

Good for you for kicking him out right away. But how is it that you didn't notice something developing before that? What was wrong in the dynamics of your interactions before? What role did you play in those interactions? 

Now's a good time to get yourself into individual counseling if you are not already there. You have had no contact for a month and a half, but you still focus on him; time to focus on you. Time to build your life up; your social life; your emotional life; your physical appearance, etc.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Unable to sleep I get up & go back downstairs. Husband has read the letter and is crying. He says he 'doesn't know' if he can put things right between us. I think better substitutes for 'don't know' are 'can't be bothered' or 'don't want to'.
I manage to get a bit of sleep and for some reason plan to go into work in the morning.
I am up before he wakes. He is asleep on the sofa. I check his phone. There are texts there to the OW. 'She knows. Someone told her. Won't be long now'. Her reply was 'Boom! Good morning! I'll come and see you at work'. I think these words will be etched into my brain forever. No remorse, no consideration for the pain they have caused. Selfish words from people with no integrity.
I cannot understand why he is telling me he doesn't know what he wants when he so obviously does. He has had several opportunities to tell me and hasn't. I have told him I know about the affair, he has nothing to lose and still he is lying to me.
I fly into a rage. I take his house key and tell him to get out. 
He has no plan of action. He just grabs a holdall and starts stuffing random items of clothing in it. He leaves to go to OW with a bag of clothes and a toothbrush. Part of me wonders why he has not thought this through. He has been planning to leave me to start a new life with OW but when the reality hits he has no idea what to do.


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## percy (Apr 26, 2013)

Arendt said:


> All your posts are rehashing and reliving your pain and focusing on him. Get yourself out of that victim's chair and start looking at yourself. Your husband did terrible things that hurt you. He's an a$$ for doing so.
> 
> But what is it about yourself that needs work in the meantime? That viscous tongue probably masks an inability to deal with pain without lashing out at others...why? How did you learn to protect yourself through hurting others?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. It has given me lots to think about.
I did notice something developing, I allowed myself to be fooled. There is no other explanation.
Through this site I have learned that I was very co-dependent.
I am having a hard time letting go, I admit that.
I have been working on myself but have felt myself slipping backwards recently.
I am posting my story on here hoping it will help with the 'letting go'. I just need to vent it out.


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