# Marriage in trouble. Need help!



## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Here is my sad story: I met my husband when I was 16 years old. I followed him to college and we married when I was 24. We have now been married for 7 years and have two kids (4 and 1). 

My husband has always liked to be online and find friendships there. However, it has gotten to a really disturbing point and I believe he has crossed the line many times. But I ask myself, is having an online relationship cheating? I think yes, but my husband tells me there is nothing physical going on - just conversation.

I have found out about several of these online relationships over the years -2 in college - 1 right before we got married. He always apologized profusely and said it was only talking and he would never cheat on me or hurt me. And I trusted him.

I forgot about these prior incidents for a long while and then last year, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. At the same time, my husband had just joined a weight loss website. So he started losing weight just as I started gaining weight. I tried to be as supportive as I could but sometimes I was just jealous and he was spending so much time with his new weight loss online support system and paying no attention to his pregnant wife. One day I picked up his phone and he grabbed it away from me. I got really upset and he said that we was ordering me flowers and didn't want me to see it. I said, oh ok, just show me the order receipt and I'll believe you, but he couldn't produce it. He said he hadn't hit the confirm button yet. Anyway, he was being really weird with his phone. When I confronted him, he said that he had been "complaining" about me to co-worker and didn't want me to see it. He knew it wasn't right but I was pregnant and cranky. I was really offended by this. 

Anyway, I let it go. A few months later, I saw that he got a text from some girl with pictures in it. I checked the phone bill and saw all sorts of numbers from all over the US. He was flat out lying to me. He told me he had to go downstairs and talk to his grandparents or his parents, but the numbers were not theirs. I called a couple - they were women from other parts of the county. He said they were just weight loss support. But at that point he had already lost 70 lbs, looked great and really didn't need much weight loss support. I really couldn't believe this.

I went into labor with our second child in the grocery store. Instead of assisting me, he was texting some other woman. When I asked him about it, he said he was excited and wanted to share the news.

After my son was born, he promised to give up the online girls and like a fool I believed him again. I went back to work after 3 months and worked full time, pumped milk round the clock for the baby, took care of the house and 2 kids. I went on two work trips (fly in and out in the same day) and when I came home, I looked at his phone and he had written really horrible things about me. Again, he was talking to these women and really putting me down. All along he would apologize and say it would never happen again.

Most recently, I checked his email and found that he has been having a few month long online relationship that included very detailed inappropriate conversations, pictures, "I love yous", and spa gift certificates. I just cannot believe this. He again apologized and said that I don't pay enough attention to him. Keep in mind that we were still having sex 1-2 times per week (not abundant but still pretty good) and I was still taking care of the house, kids, dogs, and working full time. 

I have no idea what to do. He is my husband and I've loved him since I was 16. I don't want to break up my family but I think he wants a divorce and I get closer to that each and every day. Last month he told me he had to go away for work. The day he left, both kids came down with really high fevers (the young one was up to 105). I was so nervous I called the doctors and was ready for an ER trip. My husband didn't have time to talk - he said he was at dinner with his boss. Come to find out, he never left the state - he went to stay at his friends for a few days and was about 15 minutes away. First, I'm not sure I believe him and second, I can't understand why he wouldn't put that aside and come home for his two sick kids.

I really need some advice. I go back and forth between divorce and working it out almost daily. I'm mad and then the next minute I think I'm a bad wife and must have pushed him to do the things he is doing. If any woman has been through this before, please tell me how you coped. And if any man has done this before, please tell me why. I'd really like to know why. 

Thanks for listening.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

He does this because he can...

There have been no real consequences and you are always there to take him back.

He also does this because he has no regard for you or how this makes you feel.

You deserve so much better than this...what are you going to do?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If your husband has not had a PA (physical affair) he is very close to it. These are called EA's (emotional affairs) and they are just as devastating as a PA. A person in a marriage (M) crosses the line (IMO) when there is live interaction with another person outside the M in the manner your husband has conducted himself. 

The secrecy says it all. If he had nothing to hide he would share this with you. 

Him putting you down is a cheater's way of distancing themselves in the relationship. It may be true or false. It really doesn't matter. My wife put me down so badly, and it was all lies, to make herself look like a victimor for whatever reason.

He is cheating, plain and simple and I would not be surprised if he has gone physical. I am warning you to brace yourself. Right now back off and gather evidence. This guy will not tell you what you want to know and you will need to be sneaky to find out what is going on.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Corgigirl said:


> *He always apologized profusely and said it was only talking and he would never cheat on me or hurt me. *
> 
> *I got really upset and he said that we was ordering me flowers and didn't want me to see it. I said, oh ok, just show me the order receipt and I'll believe you, but he couldn't produce it. *
> 
> ...


My first advice is to look at your statements above and ask yourself; how much longer are you willing to accept his lies, his excuses, his insults, and his false apologies?

He's cheating on you. Chances are that at least one of these on-line sessions has turned into a PA. What do you think he was doing at this friend's house while his kids were sick?

Others will be along to tell you the list of the consequences he must receive if there's any hope for your marriage. So I'll just put it to you simply:

You're allowing yourself to be his door mat. Stop. 

Give him significant consequences and accept nothing less than him to demonstrate complete remorse. If he doesn't, you need to move on with your life and find someone who will respect you. But first, you have to respect yourself.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here.

Your husband has to see consequences as a result of his actions.

At this point, it sounds like he has withdrawn from your marriage almost completely and you need to either bring him back, or begin to end it on your own terms - he is ending it on his right now.

He must stop all of his disrespectful actions immediately. In the past he has promised to do this, but you have not given him any consequences for the hurt he has caused.

1) Withdraw attention and - more importantly - sex from him. Do the "180" (just Google it). This lets him know you are serious and helps you begin to detach.

2) You need to find out what he is doing. It sounds like he is cheating physically as well as emotionally. Get a hold of a voice activated recorder. A member called Weightlifter will hopefully be along soon as he has great advice on that front.

3) Tell your husband what he is doing is a deal breaker for your marriage. The fact he isn't even showing much care for his own children speaks volumes. You have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it. Get divorce papers drawn up - even if you print them from the internet.

He has to know you are serious about this.

You have to be quite harsh about all of this and it will feel counter intuitive. Remember, your husband has shown you total disrespect and you should let him know this is 100% unacceptable.

Whatever ridiculous, cowardly, excuses he gives for his cheating - this is HIS CHOICE. Nothing you have done can excuse his actions.

It looks like he is cheating. You have a lot of work to do. It all hurts like Hell.

Keep posting. People on here have been through this and there is a lot of good quality help and advice available.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Your husband needs to face consequences for his actions. File for divorce and protect yourself financially. You and your children will be much better in the long run without this lying sack of potatoes in the picture.

You might also want to start IC. These scars go deep and need professional help.

Good luck.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

IMO you should assume that the time he lied to you about going away for business and was only 15 min away he spent those days indulging in a full blown physical affair. 

The others are correct in stating that you have never done anything but show him that this is ok with you as he has never suffered even one consequence for his actions. 

Its time to have him served or forever be his doormat. I am assuming you are here because you need a bit of a pep-talk. Well, you got one. Lose the Loser! You deserve better and your children deserve better!


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Oh dear, im so sorry you are here. I'm sure the world feels like a lead weight right now. You sound like its time for you to have a (oh **** there it is moment) you sound like you do it all and he is along for the ride to do what he wants to do. He obviously has no repsect for you what so ever and is very selfish. Im sorry you have loved this guy for so long but it really looks like he has never fully committed to you. this has been going on since college as well you said. You need to really take a step back and read your story and some how pretend a friend is telling you this story. Then ask yourself what type of advise you would give that friend. The truth sucks and is awful, you like many of us will come up with every excuse you can for denial. Unfortunately you already know deep inside what you need to do but its getting the strength and the courage to go forth and start a new path for yourself. Change is hard and sometimes feels like its impossible. Its time to take your life into your own hands and create your own paths. No matter what do not let your WS pick your path any more.


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Thanks everybody. I really appreciate the responses and the support. 

I'm just so torn on what to do. I know it seems obvious - I should divorce him and find someone who will treat me with respect, but its just not that easy. This is the only man that I've ever been with - 15 years. We built a life and as much as he has hurt me, he has also encouraged me and supported me through a very intense examination path for my career (I am an actuary which takes years and years of exams). 

I still love my husband and I am just hurting so bad. This past year has been so horrible and sometimes I act pretty poorly myself - I accuse him every chance I get (and I'm sure sometimes he really is innocent), I constantly check phone records, credit card statements, receipts in his wallet, etc. Sometimes it just consumes me. My husband has told me that I'm nuts and this behavior is unacceptable. He said that I'm unstable and no judge would ever give me custody of my children. I think this is the scariest part for me. I do overreact sometimes - I was nervous when my kid had a 105 degree fever - my husband said its irrational. I don't want to lose my kids. I don't even want to give them up for 2 days a week. I'm scared to miss things - lost teeth, bad dreams, sunday morning breakfast. So a lot of the time I think that maybe its worth it to stay with my husband just so I can have my kids with me.

There is also the financial aspect. We bought our house late in 2007, right at the height of the market. Well, we owe $30k more than the house is worth and neither of us can come up with a check for $30. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't even worry about myself financially - I have a great job (I make more than he does) and know how to save. Our kids both have college funds that are completely theirs. 

I just feel like this is the only life I've ever known. I am comfortable, but sad. I am debating whether it is better to be happy without my husband but miserable that I cannot see my kids all the time, or be sad with my husband but enjoy my kids whenever I want.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> We built a life and as much as he has hurt me, he has also encouraged me and supported me through a very intense examination path for my career (I am an actuary which takes years and years of exams).


 You realize you contradict your own praise below?



> I accuse him every chance I get (and I'm sure sometimes he really is innocent), I constantly check phone records, credit card statements, receipts in his wallet, etc. Sometimes it just consumes me.


 Yes, it may be overboard, but he had MULTIPLE emotional affairs. Apparently, it never stopped, he just became better at lying and hiding. No, you knew something, you just couldn't pinpoint where he hid his actions. 



> My husband has told me that I'm nuts and this behavior is unacceptable. He said that I'm unstable and no judge would ever give me custody of my children. I think this is the scariest part for me. I do overreact sometimes - I was nervous when my kid had a 105 degree fever - my husband said its irrational. I don't want to lose my kids. I don't even want to give them up for 2 days a week. I'm scared to miss things - lost teeth, bad dreams, sunday morning breakfast. So a lot of the time I think that maybe its worth it to stay with my husband just so I can have my kids with me.


This contradicts him being supportive. He'd have got you help, gone to marriage counseling and a myriad of other things before calling you nuts and tricking you with a threat of custody. 105 is nothing to sneeze at. How is being worried about your kids welfare irrational? You aren't nuts, he set you up to be this obsessive. He has damaged you and made you believe it is all your fault. 

Go sit down for a free consultation with some lawyers. Find out the laws in your area and then decide about divorce or separation.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

A small child with a fever that high can have a febrile seizure. It is very serious and very dangerous. He is no father if he was busy 'with other things' if his children were that sick.

When people say he needs consequences, what they mean is he has to have some sense of what it really means to lose you and the children. He can say that he would get the children, but that is talk to scare you. From what you've written, it is he who has not been the best parent.

Filing for divorce is the consequence that he needs to face. This doesn't mean that you have to ultimately divorce; there will be plenty of time to work things out if he sees the light and starts to return to the marriage. If he doesn't, though, aren't you better off knowing that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are no longer 16. Sadly, your husband is still 16.

He does not understand how an adult should behave.

I am so sorry, you deserve better.

Your husband has cheated you, he has cheated you and your children out of a family.

He hasn't had a PA? Maybe not. But I'd get an STD test, all the same.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I'm sorry you've been through this, but you've got good advice so far & came to the right place. Gather evidence and don't let your husband walk all over you. Don't let him intimidate you or make you think you're crazy by rewriting history. 

He let you carry the burden of his child and couldn't be bothered to get off his phone when you went into labor, couldn't drive 15 minutes or even field a phone call for his young child with a 105 fever, and he's had a series of emotional and maybe physical affairs: If you're really worried about losing your kids, unless you're leaving something big out, I'd say you're in pretty decent shape in terms of custody. It sounds like he's just trying to keep you under his thumb.

Don't settle for anything less than a real marriage - full of partnership and free of secrecy and betrayal. Don't push him underground too quickly, keep your head up, and do what you must for yourself and your kids. You're still young and have plenty of happiness ahead, with or without your husband. Best of luck.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> I just feel like this is the only life I've ever known. I am comfortable, but sad. I am debating whether it is better to be happy without my husband but miserable that I cannot see my kids all the time, or be sad with my husband but enjoy my kids whenever I want.


Don't worry about not being without your kids all the time. If he is going to run to a "friend's" house and pretend to be on a work trip rather than be home with his sick kids, he isn't going to put forth the effort to pick the kids up and be a single dad on the weekends. He will only fight you and make threats to keep you where you are, but really, he isn't husband or daddy material.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Corgigirl

You need to go see an attorney and understand your rights.

Then you need to shock him.

Serve him without any forewarning.

He needs to know your serious about divorcing him.

Your husband is a liar and a cheater.

He deserves no less.

Now get tough and show him consequences for his horrible actions.

HM64


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## Corgigirl (Aug 12, 2013)

Thanks guys! It means a lot that you all have listened and given me advice. You all seem so strong and sure of yourselves. I wish I had some of that confidence. All through this entire thing, I haven't wanted to tell anyone what I was going through - friends or family because I didn't want their pity and I also didn't want them to think horrible things about my husband if we ended up working things out. I did go to some counseling sessions (my counselor suggested this website) and was told that I need to let my support system in. Well, I'm working on it, but I really appreciate being able to get things off my chest with all of you.

My husband happens to be traveling for work for two weeks so I have some time to think about things before he gets back. I've never done anything like this before, but I really don't like being a doormat and constantly feeling like a failure. Reaching out to a lawyer, if just for information sounds like a good idea.

Thanks again everyone!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My advice, you Need a lawyer. You're husband sound to irresponsabile to be married and raise children. 

I stopped punting after the fifth time he betraye you. You can do better than this. When he bgs nd cries, come here. He has somewhere else "to go" and now so do you.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Give him Papers and show him the door. Heck you might even want to hold it open for him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Corgigirl said:


> Thanks guys! It means a lot that you all have listened and given me advice. You all seem so strong and sure of yourselves. I wish I had some of that confidence. All through this entire thing, I haven't wanted to tell anyone what I was going through - friends or family because I didn't want their pity and I also didn't want them to think horrible things about my husband if we ended up working things out. I did go to some counseling sessions (my counselor suggested this website) and was told that I need to let my support system in. Well, I'm working on it, but I really appreciate being able to get things off my chest with all of you.


This is part of your problem. Even if you work things out, people need to know he was being horrible. He has been chipping away at your self esteem for years. He' said all of these horrible things, which has you in counseling and you are still worried about his reputation. 

You need the help of your family and friends. Did you ever think sharing this, with even one person, may have kept it form getting to the point of obsession?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Corgigirl said:


> Thanks guys! It means a lot that you all have listened and given me advice. You all seem so strong and sure of yourselves. I wish I had some of that confidence. All through this entire thing, I haven't wanted to tell anyone what I was going through - friends or family because I didn't want their pity and I also didn't want them to think horrible things about my husband if we ended up working things out. I did go to some counseling sessions (my counselor suggested this website) and was told that I need to let my support system in. Well, I'm working on it, but I really appreciate being able to get things off my chest with all of you.
> 
> My husband happens to be traveling for work for two weeks so I have some time to think about things before he gets back. I've never done anything like this before, but I really don't like being a doormat and constantly feeling like a failure. Reaching out to a lawyer, if just for information sounds like a good idea.
> 
> Thanks again everyone!


Some may seem strong and sure; but even after taking firm action you can be uncertain, wracked with doubt and lack self belief.

That doesn't prevent one from being able to see some important points in a situation.

Your husband fails as a father. For me, and I suspect many others here, that is a deal breaker. Infidelity is something nearly all of us have experienced from one side or another and many on here are reconciling, or have at least tried to do so - but for a parent to fail in that one, most important, duty it is unforgivable.

Your husband's actions when his own, very young, children were potentially on the brink of a very serious illness, speak volumes. His presence could have made a life or death difference. He chose to stay FIFTEEN MINUTES away.

It's never simple. A marriage is worth a lot, but it isn't worth having a bad father for your children.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

He was doing this before you were married. This is who he is. It always has been a part of your relationship. You can't make him change, only he can do that, but he has to want to change.

To me, it looks like he lost the weight because he got sick of the online hookups and wanted to take it to an in-person hookup. He didn't feel like he could do that until he lost the weight. As soon as he lost the weight, he started lying about where he was going and hooking up. Your husband has had a physical affair or at the very least he is trying to have one - it's not just all online.

I'm sorry, but you don't really have much of a choice. Your situation is not livable for the long term. You can stay for the kids for a while and hope he changes, but you are going to get progressively more miserable as he cheats on you more and more over time. Eventually he may divorce you. If you do decide to stay with him, at least prepare yourself.

Something that I think could help you decide what to do is if you knew more of the truth. Consider getting a voice-activated recorder and putting it in his car. You likely will hear him talking to his affair partners and you will find out how many he is talking to and how serious he is.

Also please consider that sometimes a person has to be faced with losing something in order to realize how much they value it. It sounds like your husband has no fear of losing you and he is confident you would never leave him.


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