# Trying this out.



## ANick84

I’m a 35 year old mother of two (a 7yo girl and a 5yo boy) I’m a stay at home mother who feels overwhelmed and under appreciated. My husband Is 40 he works a difficult job (he's always on call, Rarely home when the weather is bad, one of only three employees in a company that is very busy.) I’m here looking for validation/ constructive criticism/ and advise.


----------



## Casual Observer

First, welcome to TAM! Second, does your husband know you feel this way, or are you here trying to figure out the best way to let him know?


----------



## ANick84

I figured it out! I’ll post what I sent here so everyone else can read too.


----------



## ANick84

My husband does know that I feel this way. He sees being a stay at home mother as all of the house work is my job. He doesn’t help at all. I take the kids everywhere they need to go, I cook and clean, we have animals that I take care of. If I ask for help he won’t do it. And the rare occasion that he does it takes him all day procrastinating to get one thing done. (And a lot of the time he will chose dishes- that he won’t get clean. If I mention that a ‘clean’ dish in the cupboard is still dirty-often times with milk or mold in the bottom of it- he will have a fit. He can’t handle constructive criticism. He takes it as a personal attack and that I’m just *****ing about him not doing things right.) The cleaning thing doesn’t bother me as much when he is out working. I do not mind cleaning and taking care of things if he’s busy. But his job is a lot of sitting and waiting for things to break so he can go bust ass to fix them. I have an issue when he’s home watching a movie, the house looks like a bomb went off and I’m cleaning. And he ignores it.
Yet he wants sex on demand. We had sex once last month. ( I also have a really screwed up cycle, I bleed for a good two weeks at a time. And I refuse to have sex during as I’m in a lot of pain during.) 
We have kids that he mostly ignores. He rarely will go to school functions and show support. He says he’s their father not their friend. And tells me I’m inconsistent in my discipline (when the only real reason they listen to him the first time is he spanks them- too hard IMO- and yells.) 
Sorry this is so ranty. I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this. I’m kind of just spilling my guts out in word vomit just to get it off my chest.


----------



## Casual Observer

ANick84 said:


> My husband does know that I feel this way. He sees being a stay at home mother as all of the house work is my job. He doesn’t help at all. I take the kids everywhere they need to go, I cook and clean, we have animals that I take care of. If I ask for help he won’t do it. And the rare occasion that he does it takes him all day procrastinating to get one thing done. (And a lot of the time he will chose dishes- that he won’t get clean. If I mention that a ‘clean’ dish in the cupboard is still dirty-often times with milk or mold in the bottom of it- he will have a fit. He can’t handle constructive criticism. He takes it as a personal attack and that I’m just *****ing about him not doing things right.) The cleaning thing doesn’t bother me as much when he is out working. I do not mind cleaning and taking care of things if he’s busy. But his job is a lot of sitting and waiting for things to break so he can go bust ass to fix them. I have an issue when he’s home watching a movie, the house looks like a bomb went off and I’m cleaning. And he ignores it.
> Yet he wants sex on demand. We had sex once last month. ( I also have a really screwed up cycle, I bleed for a good two weeks at a time. And I refuse to have sex during as I’m in a lot of pain during.)
> We have kids that he mostly ignores. He rarely will go to school functions and show support. He says he’s their father not their friend. And tells me I’m inconsistent in my discipline (when the only real reason they listen to him the first time is he spanks them- too hard IMO- and yells.)
> Sorry this is so ranty. I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this. I’m kind of just spilling my guts out in word vomit just to get it off my chest.


I think I'd start with his "I'm their father, not their friend" because that's a pretty messed up way of looking at being a Dad. Maybe you could catch him off-guard by saying something like, that might be a father, but the kids need a Dad. Difference being, anyone can be a "father" by donating sperm. Being a Dad is a much more important and life-changing job. Did he have a pretty messed-up relationship with his, well, probably father? Cuz if he had a real Dad as a role model, I don't think he'd act that way.

How long have you been married? How much time together before you had kids? How was life before kids? 

You mention you "refuse" to have sex during your period due to pain. I think "refuse" is a very powerful word and should be used very sparingly. In my own marriage, the similar word would be "resent." My wife has told me that she resents certain things that have gone on for a long time. That cuts really deeply. The concept of "refusal" would be similar for me. There are certainly things we shouldn't have to give any thought to refusing, such as infidelity (a pretty easy absolute) and other things that represent your core values. But I believe we have to be a bit careful using that word w/regards to availability for sex for our partner. I am NOT saying you cannot decline sex when you feel really bad. And I'm not saying your husband has done anything to deserve willing sex on a regular basis. But if things do get better, you find ways to work out your differences, I honestly feel that keeping sex off the table for two weeks a month is not reasonable, and the answer isn't about you enduring pain but rather finding a way to minimize the pain.

Beyond that, the usual things apply. Have you had counseling yet? Individual (abbreviated IC here) or marriage (abbreviated MC)? Are you willing? Would he be willing? 

Hope this helps in some way-


----------



## ANick84

We’ve been married for 7 years together 10. Things were really good until we had our son. It was a very traumatic birth (it caused a lot of my monthly issues and broke my tailbone.) he was a completely different person then. Helpful, loving, great with our daughter. 

I’ve addressed the ‘father’ situation. He did not have a good relationship with his father growing up. (There were first fights He has a broken nose because of it) they are good now but childhood was bad. There is no changing his mind on how he handles our children. 

As far as my period, it’s not that I ‘refuse’ sex- it’s uncomfortable for me. he has a hard time taking no for an answer (hence why We didn’t wait 6weeks after having either kid to have sex. It was constant pressure from him...) I Guess it’s because I feel like it’s the one time I can say no and have some piece from the constant pestering. He told me today in an argument that he should get it everytime he asks. No exceptions. Even two times a day if he wanted it. I have a hard time having sex with someone who demands it. I really think he has an addiction. Life is sex for him. If he doesn’t get sex he mopes around and refuses to do or go anywhere. He has told the kids we were going somewhere the next day and because I didn’t have sex he refused to go. (This happens a lot. We’ve learned not to make plans with him or count on him for anything.) 

I have not seen a counselor. I have no way to pay for one as his money is his and I’m ‘just here for the money’. He flat out refuses to go because he had issues when he was a kid and thinks they Will side with me or lock him up. Very paranoid about it.


----------



## Tilted 1

ANick, you have checked out of your marriage, but just physically haven't left yet. You live in constant resentment, anger, detachment. Yes you are here and your husband is a vicious, resentful, mean, is an abuser with you when he wants you for sex.

Also towards your children, he is toxic to your family and marriage. For your sake and the children LEAVE! The way he was when you both were first married is gone. 

Who decided you should be a SAHM?


----------



## LisaDiane

ANick84 said:


> We’ve been married for 7 years together 10. Things were really good until we had our son. It was a very traumatic birth (it caused a lot of my monthly issues and broke my tailbone.) he was a completely different person then. Helpful, loving, great with our daughter.
> 
> I’ve addressed the ‘father’ situation. He did not have a good relationship with his father growing up. (There were first fights He has a broken nose because of it) they are good now but childhood was bad. There is no changing his mind on how he handles our children.
> 
> As far as my period, it’s not that I ‘refuse’ sex- it’s uncomfortable for me. he has a hard time taking no for an answer (hence why We didn’t wait 6weeks after having either kid to have sex. It was constant pressure from him...) I Guess it’s because I feel like it’s the one time I can say no and have some piece from the constant pestering. He told me today in an argument that he should get it everytime he asks. No exceptions. Even two times a day if he wanted it. I have a hard time having sex with someone who demands it. I really think he has an addiction. Life is sex for him. If he doesn’t get sex he mopes around and refuses to do or go anywhere. He has told the kids we were going somewhere the next day and because I didn’t have sex he refused to go. (This happens a lot. We’ve learned not to make plans with him or count on him for anything.)
> 
> I have not seen a counselor. I have no way to pay for one as his money is his and I’m ‘just here for the money’. He flat out refuses to go because he had issues when he was a kid and thinks they Will side with me or lock him up. Very paranoid about it.


I'm not saying he's Mr. Wonderful, but could he also describe you as being a completely different person before the birth of your son (and the trauma) -- sweet, happy, fun, sexually excited, etc etc...? Could part of his attitude change be coming from changes in you? 

I'm asking because from what you described, you BOTH sound very resentful of the other for the frustrations in your lives - that is SO easy to do when the crap starts piling up with no way to escape it! But for things to change for the better, SOMEONE has to be the better person and reach across the abyss that has begun to grow between you both, and is threatening to consume your love and marriage, and YOU are clearly the one most able to do that.

What do you think would happen if you started acting and treating him more like you did before your son was born, when he was loving and helpful?


----------



## arbitrator

*This is a very abnormal, controlling situation on his part! 

Do you attend church? If so, have you spoken to your pastor or a church counselor about your unfortunate situation?*


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

ANick84 said:


> he has a hard time taking no for an answer (hence why We didn’t wait 6weeks after having either kid to have sex.


You married a selfish, self-entitled, arrogant *pig*. You said during the birth of one of your kids, you BROKE your tail bone. Are you saying this disgusting degenerate actually pushed you into having SEX with him while you were still healing? How do you even LOOK at him without vomiting?

He's self entitled, obnoxious, emotionally and verbally abusive, selfish as hell, a completely uninvolved parent, self righteous, arrogant, and he acts like you're running a damned hotel for his sorry ass to come and go as he pleases, without so much as a backward glance to the mess he leaves behind. He's so utterly repulsive.



> There is no changing his mind on how he handles our children.


I guess he's a *special snowflake* and no one else on earth had a rough childhood - just HIM. Therefore, because of his unique and oh so special status, he gets to make his own parenting rules and claim victim-hood when you call hm on his **** parenting. What a self righteous, self-important tool.

Just wait until you go back to work and you're STILL expected to do 100% of everything at home *and* all of the child-rearing as well - all after a full day's work, of course. You lucky, lucky girl. And you'd damned well better turn into a sex kitten at 10 pm every night after you've worked your ass off all day and night because Mr. Wonderful deserves to be catered to - he's JUST that special.

OP, I honestly don't know *how *you haven't left him yet. I'm assuming it's *purely* financial. I would have left this jack-hole so damned fast you would have had to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.


----------



## Girl_power

Wow I’m sorry your going through this. 

My thoughts right away go to, please protect yourself. You do not want to be in a situation where you can’t leave because you are financially dependent on him and he thinks he can treat you like crap. I watched my mom who stayed home go through this. 

Your husband is a jerk and you know it. The problem is people come on here and they want to find a way to get their spouse to do a 180 and change but that rarely happens. 

You need marriage counseling for sure. And talk to your husband and tell him your unhappy. The problem is he isn’t going to change if he knows you will continue on if he doesn’t change.


----------



## StillSearching

I'd be careful giving him any ultimatums, they never work out as intended. 
It's good to come here and talk about things.
I might would work on that sexless marriage, there are plenty of threads here about it.
It never ends well.


----------



## ANick84

It was a mutual decision for me to stay home. Partly because we couldn’t afford childcare and we both think it’s better that kids are raised by their parents and not someone random at a daycare. 

I do not attend church. So literally I have no one unbiased to talk to about this. (Hence why I’m here) 

I am financially dependent on him. None of my family or his has room or can afford to take myself and kids in. (Because I sure as hell am not leaving them here) 

I do treat him the way I did before kids. Aside from my sex drive has decreased- I’m burnt out and tired. I will admit fault in the drop of sex; but it is extremely difficult to get excited for someone whom demands things constantly. Sometimes sex isn’t even enough- he wants me to dress up for him-I’ve literally been naked in the bed and he gets upset because ‘I’m not in to it’ or I ‘never do anything he wants’ I simply do not have the energy or drive(and I have body image issues that mentally block me from wanting to)


----------



## uhtred

This is worrisome. People can always say no to sex. If it happens all the time a couple may be so badly mismatched that the marriage shouldn't continue, but at any given time "no" is OK. Its especially OK if for any reason sex is uncomfortable / painful. His pressuring you is not at all OK, and depending on what "pressuring" means may be outright abuse. No one gets sex every time they ask. That is not a reasonable expectation. 

I could see a situation where if he was horny and you were not feeling like full sex you might give him a helping hand so to speak, but even that is by no means required, just a nice thing to do in a relationship with a good and balanced sex life. I don't think you have that. 

Does he always do anything you want sexually when you want it? That might somewhat mitigate his behavior if he thinks both parties in a marriage should always cater to the other's desires. I don't agree with that, but its not a crazy point of view.

IMHO in a good marriage money and chores are shared - just because one person earns the money, that doesn't mean its *their* money, its shared as long as you are married. 

From what you have posted, he sounds like an awful person. Does he have a good side to make up for that? 


FWIW, my wife almost always turns me down for sex. I'm not happy about it, but I don't pressure her. I have the option of divorce if I want it, Sex is generally a common part of marriage but it is not always expected. 




ANick84 said:


> snip
> 
> As far as my period, it’s not that I ‘refuse’ sex- it’s uncomfortable for me. he has a hard time taking no for an answer (hence why We didn’t wait 6weeks after having either kid to have sex. It was constant pressure from him...) I Guess it’s because I feel like it’s the one time I can say no and have some piece from the constant pestering. He told me today in an argument that he should get it everytime he asks. No exceptions. Even two times a day if he wanted it. I have a hard time having sex with someone who demands it. I really think he has an addiction. Life is sex for him. If he doesn’t get sex he mopes around and refuses to do or go anywhere. He has told the kids we were going somewhere the next day and because I didn’t have sex he refused to go. (This happens a lot. We’ve learned not to make plans with him or count on him for anything.)
> 
> I have not seen a counselor. I have no way to pay for one as his money is his and I’m ‘just here for the money’. He flat out refuses to go because he had issues when he was a kid and thinks they Will side with me or lock him up. Very paranoid about it.


----------



## Mybabysgotit

You're issues are not sex or chore related, it's communication related. You guys are unable to communicate effectively and until you learn to do so, it's going to be a hell of a ride. I NEVER advocate for marriage counseling, but in this case, please go.


----------



## Prodigal

ANick84 said:


> It was a mutual decision for me to stay home. Partly because we couldn’t afford childcare and we both think it’s better that kids are raised by their parents and not someone random at a daycare.


In theory, this is a great idea. In practice, this isn't what is happening. YOU are raising the kids. It sounds like he could care less. From what you've said about him thus far, my guess is he didn't want to spend "his" money on daycare when he can get you to slave away at home for free.

Your daughter is in school. Your five year old son will be in school next year. I'd suggest you get some type of job, even if it's only part-time. 

Can you make connections with other SAHM's? You need to have a network of support. As things stand now, I don't see this ending up happily ever after.


----------



## MattMatt

ANick84 said:


> My husband does know that I feel this way. He sees being a stay at home mother as all of the house work is my job. He doesn’t help at all. I take the kids everywhere they need to go, I cook and clean, we have animals that I take care of. If I ask for help he won’t do it. And the rare occasion that he does it takes him all day procrastinating to get one thing done. (And a lot of the time he will chose dishes- that he won’t get clean. If I mention that a ‘clean’ dish in the cupboard is still dirty-often times with milk or mold in the bottom of it- he will have a fit. He can’t handle constructive criticism. He takes it as a personal attack and that I’m just *****ing about him not doing things right.) The cleaning thing doesn’t bother me as much when he is out working. I do not mind cleaning and taking care of things if he’s busy. But his job is a lot of sitting and waiting for things to break so he can go bust ass to fix them. I have an issue when he’s home watching a movie, the house looks like a bomb went off and I’m cleaning. And he ignores it.
> Yet he wants sex on demand. We had sex once last month. ( I also have a really screwed up cycle, I bleed for a good two weeks at a time. And I refuse to have sex during as I’m in a lot of pain during.)
> We have kids that he mostly ignores. He rarely will go to school functions and show support.* He says he’s their father not their friend.* And tells me I’m inconsistent in my discipline (when the only real reason they listen to him the first time is he spanks them- too hard IMO- and yells.)
> Sorry this is so ranty. I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this. I’m kind of just spilling my guts out in word vomit just to get it off my chest.


He is not their father, or their friend. And he is a pretty dreadful husband, too.

So, would counselling help, possibly? Or is he too macho for that?


----------



## turnera

Do you not have access to the checking account where his paycheck goes? That would be the first thing I would change.

Also, get this book from the library: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Your kids are 5 and 7, you should be able to go find a job now. You need to work on getting yourself in a position to get away from him. Ugh, your H sounds awful, sounds a LOT like my dad and one of my ex husbands. As far as your period issue is concerned, have you consulted with doctors to see what you can do to get yourself healthy again? Sounds like you live in misery for two weeks every single month... thats no way to live. Please work on getting yourself taken care of, first and foremost.


----------



## sokillme

ANick84 said:


> My husband does know that I feel this way. He sees being a stay at home mother as all of the house work is my job. He doesn’t help at all. I take the kids everywhere they need to go, I cook and clean, we have animals that I take care of. If I ask for help he won’t do it. And the rare occasion that he does it takes him all day procrastinating to get one thing done. (And a lot of the time he will chose dishes- that he won’t get clean. If I mention that a ‘clean’ dish in the cupboard is still dirty-often times with milk or mold in the bottom of it- he will have a fit. He can’t handle constructive criticism. He takes it as a personal attack and that I’m just *****ing about him not doing things right.) The cleaning thing doesn’t bother me as much when he is out working. I do not mind cleaning and taking care of things if he’s busy. But his job is a lot of sitting and waiting for things to break so he can go bust ass to fix them. I have an issue when he’s home watching a movie, the house looks like a bomb went off and I’m cleaning. And he ignores it.
> Yet he wants sex on demand. We had sex once last month. ( I also have a really screwed up cycle, I bleed for a good two weeks at a time. And I refuse to have sex during as I’m in a lot of pain during.)
> We have kids that he mostly ignores. He rarely will go to school functions and show support. He says he’s their father not their friend. And tells me I’m inconsistent in my discipline (when the only real reason they listen to him the first time is he spanks them- too hard IMO- and yells.)
> Sorry this is so ranty. I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this. I’m kind of just spilling my guts out in word vomit just to get it off my chest.


So the more I read on these sites the more I am convinced that the idea of a long term stay at home spouse is just not sustainable anymore in modern marriage. You seem to have a pretty typical experience with it as far as I can tell. It takes people with a very strong (Shared) vision about that. Today is not like before the women's movement when girls were raised to believe that being a Mom was the apex of what they could aspire for (not saying that this isn't enough or doesn't have just as much value. What I am saying is that society has pretty much trained girls to grow up to want different things then that and it's hard to discount that message that they have been exposed to all their lives.) How a stay at home spouse works practically seemingly is to create a sense of entitlement in one spouse (in this case your husband but it can do the other way) and a pressure dynamic where the stay at home person is just too dependent on their partner. It can create almost a child parent dynamic, and in this case your husband is acting like he thinks he is your Dad or something. 

I say all that to say, I think assuming your youngest is in Kindergarten, it might be a good idea for you to start looking for a job. I say that for a few reasons. First you won't be so financially dependent on him. If you can't work out these problems and you become more and more unhappy you will want to be at a place where you are financially independent enough for that NOT to be reason for you to be stuck. 

I also wonder if some of your unhappiness is that you are kind of isolated in your role and your station. How much emotional sustenance can you get if you spend most if not all of your time around children. I don't know your situation but maybe the dynamic is such that your husband is your one adult connection and he is just not capable of providing you with enough emotional support that is necessary in your life. I think just the social aspect of being around adults where your primary focus is not just taking care of your young children for a period of time during your week will be helpful and will probably take some of the pressure off of your relationship. 

Finally if your financial contribution can't allow him to stop working such long hours (which should be part of the goal) maybe at least this can be used to stop him from making excuses for not helping. You also don't know that is some of your husbands poor attitude might not be stress driven. Being financially responsible for your family can be very overwhelming at times. He may just be a workaholic because is very afraid to fail you in that area. Whether relevant to today's world or not most men are taught that a man's first job is to financially provide for his family. Now it is my personal opinion as a man and a husband is that my real job is to provide in all areas of the marriage of which finance is a primary concern but also emotionally, physically and spiritually. But most of us are not taught that. Maybe he will be less stressed and nicer. He may also realize how nice it was to have someone home holding the fort so to speak and grow to regret taking that for granted. 

So you get maybe at least a part time job (if you want to be home when your kids get home), you get out of the house and maybe not feel so stuck, he loses the excuse that you are home all day so why does he need to help out. Hell worst case scenario you use some of the extra money you make to hire a cleaning person. 

Anyway that is my 2 cents, a stay at home spouse for a long period of time for most seems like a recipe for divorce.


----------



## Adelais

@ANick84 the behaviors and issues you described will not improve unless something, meaning YOU, change.

I have been a SAHM for 24ish years, by mutual decision. I also homeschooled. Until 10 years ago, I thought I was doing the most important job that I could do for my family and for society, even more important than my career before we decided that I should stay home and raise, teach our children. (I was a Chemist.)

Although my husband said he was 100% in favor of the situation, he didn't do his part, except for work...and work....and work. I did most of the disciplining, housework, trained my children to do housework at age appropriate times, taught them, planned their schedules, got them where they needed to go, took care of all the medical appointments, getting them there, etc. He worked. The three things he did at home were cook when he wanted something special, do laundry (that's his thing) and take care of the goat heads and tumbleweeds on the property.

We were financially strapped most of the time, because of living on 1 income, and I did my part by learning ways to stretch the income. He worked more and longer. He didn't look for better paying jobs, just worked longer, even moving away for a job.

Like you, I was worn out pretty early on, being the only person to care for 1, 2, 3 then 4 children. While I was home, and he was living somewhere else, working, furthering his career, he decided he was lonely and he had an affair.

I've realized that being a SAHM in this day and age, is not valued by society, by most husbands, or by the children. It is actually a recipe for disaster for the SAHM, or SAHD. Most working spouses end up feeling like the SAH spouse "owes" them, by doing all the work at home. Essentially, the SAH parent has a 24-7 job, and they have little power or influence in the finances, job selection, major decisions, or respect, etc. since they aren't earning an income....which is actually the only thing that today's society respects.

Like others have said, I would highly encourage you to get a job, and begin saving. Of course, contribute financially to the home, but start saving for your future. As a SAHM you have not contributed to any retirement funds for yourself, and if you are eventually divorced, you will have no job experience that potential employers value, nor will you have investments or retirement. You will leave the home in poverty.

When you change the dynamic at home, meaning that you take back your power (over yourself), your husband will complain and not want things to change. You must be strong, and take care of your own future.

Finding a good female counselor who will help you find yourself and regain your power is a must.

So sorry for all that you are going through.


----------

