# He has a sex addiction.



## Step_islost

I have been married for 18 years. About 4 months ago my husband asked to separate for the millionth time. I finally said yes. I was desparetly hoping one day this would happen and I would have the courage to let him leave, I did love him, I do love him. He did move out 2 months later, however we maintained a sexual relationship. We talked about safe sex and if something ever happened he nor I would put each other at risk. He said he was not interested in dating and I believed him as our sex life was never better. He had his place and I had mine and we talked and saw each other everyday. We haven't fought with each other since we were in counseling (2 months prior and another 2 months he was in his own place). He started seeking help from a psychiatrist and they put him on anti-depressants. As our therapist and myself had recommended. I always thought his isolation, depression and withdrawal behaviors during our marriage was due to depression. Silly me. About 3 weeks ago things started getting weird, he didn't want to have sex with me and I lost it. I finally lost it. He thought he wanted to start dating. I asked if he already did and he said once. Ultimately, in the 3 week nightmare I've been in I found out he is curious about sex with a man, has had unprotected sex with at least 5 woman (maybe men) and the whole time was still having sex with me. And this is what he admitted to. He denied sex with a man. I also found 100s of emails he sent to Craigslist personals and emails to homosexually explict addressess. He admitted to having a sex addiction. All that time I thought he was depressed, nope well maybe a little, he has been addicted to porn. Horrible Porn. His lust killed our marriage. I have been to the doctor to get tested, I'm clean for now but have to return in 3 months. I'm a strong, fun, loving woman with tons of friends and am usually that friend with all the answers. Look at me now. I'm in grief and I'm scared and I can't figure out why I want to see my husband. I'm so angry with him, but want to see him. I don't want to have sex with him, but I loved him very much. How long will I cry everyday? I'm devastated.


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## EleGirl

From what you have written it sounds like he has been having sex outside your marriage for most of the marriage. 

The way you start to separate from him and fall out of love is by interacting towards him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below).

The 180 says to do it until the wayward spouse (WS) give up the affair. In your case do it permanently. Have as little contact with him as you can.

See an attorney and file for divorce. Tell him to communicate with you only through the attorney.. or if you need to keep costs down only via email. With email you can take your time to respond so that you do not give too emotional a response. Or you can chose to not respond at all to some or most emails.


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## johnnycomelately

I am not a believer in 'sex addiction'. It just seems to be another excuse to be self-indulgent. 

Don't have sex with him. This behaviour is unacceptable, whatever the cause, and you should distance yourself from this guy. He is responsible for sorting out his own issues.


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## RandomDude

Sex addiction is a real issue but I do agree that it shouldn't be used like a get-out-of-jail free card. My wife is a sex addict but is going through specialised therapy for it, she's always been loyal however - which drove me nuts because I was the sole target of her insatiable lust (3x a fking day!). It would be alot harder to work through it if she was disloyal however like many sex addicts especially the men.

This is something he has to work on for himself and personally I would leave him alone considering he's not capable of being loyal. My wife is a special case, your husband has cheated on you and you have to do what you have to do to stand up for yourself. He must face the consequences of his actions otherwise there won't be any real reason that he can see to want to change.


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## dubbizle

He did lie to you when he could have just been honest and put you at risk so think about how you would feel if he did give you something[STD] would you ever want to see him again then.

You can still meet your husband as a friend but do it outside the home or anyplace where you cannot have sex at.If you still want him in your life meet at the movies,places to eat,ball games ect so sex is out. 

Its sound to me like your husband want to expirment and is just going for all he can get so I would not expect him to change or want help.


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## Hope1964

johnnycomelately said:


> I am not a believer in 'sex addiction'. It just seems to be another excuse to be self-indulgent.


It's no more of an excuse than being an alcoholic is an excuse. If the addict doesn't get the help they need and get into recovery, they will continue to act out.

My husband is a sex addict. Please have a look at the links in my signature. Sex addicts require specialized counseling and can usually benefit from a 12 step group. However, like alcoholics, they need to admit they have a problem. Is your husband willing to do that?

If he isn't, you need to stay far away from him.

These are many good books for spouses of sex addicts - I've linked some of them in my story and other posts below. CSAT's (certified sex addiction therapists) also help spouses. You would benefit from seeing one yourself, whether your husband goes or not. You may have co dependent tendencies, and you probably have post traumatic stress disorder as well.


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## boogie110

So sorry you are dealing with this.

Betrayal is so horrible, I know.

The sex with men thing can be especially devastating. You are wondering, what will I find out next, I'm sure.

Look into S-anon as soon as possible. They will help you. Go to meetings at least 6 times. There are women, and men sometimes, who have been through the ringer - not people who are dealing with one affair, but many affairs, or same sex affairs, or prostitutes, or anything you could think of, ok? You will find common ground there, but you MUST give it time - one or two meetings and you will be like, what is this about...It takes TIME for you to get it through your head and process it. You cannot do this on your own, ok? You just can't.

The crying? I met a woman the other day who is coming up on her 1 year D-day and she still cries everyday. She finally found her way to S-anon. Now it will get better for her. She has people and a program who will help her brain process the extreme brain damage she has gone through because of the sickness of sex addiction and mental abuse from her husband.


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## johnnycomelately

Hope1964 said:


> It's no more of an excuse than being an alcoholic is an excuse. If the addict doesn't get the help they need and get into recovery, they will continue to act out.
> 
> My husband is a sex addict. Please have a look at the links in my signature. Sex addicts require specialized counseling and can usually benefit from a 12 step group. However, like alcoholics, they need to admit they have a problem. Is your husband willing to do that?
> 
> If he isn't, you need to stay far away from him.
> 
> These are many good books for spouses of sex addicts - I've linked some of them in my story and other posts below. CSAT's (certified sex addiction therapists) also help spouses. You would benefit from seeing one yourself, whether your husband goes or not. You may have co dependent tendencies, and you probably have post traumatic stress disorder as well.


Sex addiction isn't recognised by the American Pyschiatric Association. In my opinion this is right. Poor impulse control my be a symptom of some problem, but I don't believe it is possible to be addicted to a basic drive. 

OP, your husband has made bad choices. Allowing him to right that off as an 'addiction' is simply avoiding the issue and will help him, and you, to shift the blame.


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## Hope1964

johnnycomelately said:


> Sex addiction isn't recognised by the American Pyschiatric Association. In my opinion this is right. Poor impulse control my be a symptom of some problem, but I don't believe it is possible to be addicted to a basic drive.


You don't believe in food addiction either then I take it?

We can agree to disagree then. Whether people think it's real or not doesn't matter anyway. If someone decides they have a sex addiction and that is the push they need to get help and stop the destructive behaviours, that's what counts. And as I said, labeling oneself as a sex addict is useless unless you then get the help you need for it. Using it as an excuse is a cop out.

The DSM doesn't recognize a lot of disorders that the community does. Sex addiction is well enough recognized that there are therapists who specialize in it and 12 step groups for both the addict and the spouse. There are 5 different 12 step groups that deal with sex addiction as a matter of fact.


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## Hope1964

johnnycomelately said:


> OP, your husband has made bad choices. Allowing him to right that off as an 'addiction' is simply avoiding the issue and will help him, and you, to shift the blame.


Yes, addicts make bad choices. But saying it's an addiction does not get anyone off the hook. If someone uses their addiction as an excuse then they are not in recovery. Addicts do not all write their behaviour off because of it, and spouses who do so need help of their own as codependents.


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## johnnycomelately

Hope1964 said:


> Yes, addicts make bad choices. But saying it's an addiction does not get anyone off the hook. If someone uses their addiction as an excuse then they are not in recovery. Addicts do not all write their behaviour off because of it, and spouses who do so need help of their own as codependents.


Of course it lets people off the hook. They get to blame the 'addiction' rather than their bad choices.

_"I don't buy it as a disease ... it is an excuse," says John J. Lucas, a forensic psychiatrist at Weill Cornell Medical College. In modern society, "we have an unfortunate practice of proliferating illnesses ... in response to various practices in terms of reducing the stigma of certain behaviors."_



Hope1964 said:


> Sex addiction is well enough recognized that there are therapists who specialize in it and 12 step groups for both the addict and the spouse. There are 5 different 12 step groups that deal with sex addiction as a matter of fact.


Those therapists make a living 'treating' this so-called addiction. That is why they recognise it.
I haven't read this yet, but I believe it is good:

_ *http://thehumanist.org/july-august-2012/you’re-addicted-to-what/*.. 

"If the public knew how little sexuality training most therapists receive, they'd be stunned," said Dr. Marty Klein_

_Craig Fabrikant, a clinical psychologist at Hackensack University Medical Center, says that he doesn't believe that sex addiction exists in the same way that alcohol or cocaine addiction does. Real disorders, however, might cause behavior that is interpreted as sex addiction. For example, someone in the manic phase of bipolar disorder can be overly sexual, and a person with obsessive compulsive disorder might look at pornography frequently. _

I have exactly the same desires that the OPs husband has, I just don't act on them. We all have sexual desires, some of us can control them, some can't. The issue is one of self-control, not addiction. This is part of the medicalisation of behavioural problems, driven by US drug companies.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright

In the end you decide what you want out of your life and the relationships you have with others. He is married to the outside world. You are married to the feelings you have for him. If the marriage were so important to him, he would not have done any of this. You consider your marriage to be of more importance than he does. If you want to be with someone who will most likely find a way to cheat on you behind your back, fine, stay. If you stay and then decide to leave years from now, but by that time have contracted Herpes, or HIV, it will be a lot harder to start fresh with someone else. He is living the single life, sex life. Get ahold of yourself. Get real, and move on. Move on to someone who is worth your time. How many more days of YOUR life are you going to give to him to put you through this misery? Do you really need him that badly? If you had a bad friend you'd end the relationship, why is he held to a lower standard? What makes him so special? The fact he has been having a great sex life behind your back? No.

This is your life, not his. In some time, hopefully, you will be able to think more clearly. It seems you have lost a lot of your self worth. You need to work on your emotional strength and find a way out of this, he is the source of your problems, get rid of him. NOW.


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