# Newbies, be aware of bad advice



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have noticed a recent increase of newly betrayed spouses. This is incredibly upsetting. It makes you wonder if no one can ever stay faithful anymore. It’s very sad to see that this is the world we live in today, where marriage vows are just words and hold no true meaning anymore. This message is to those newly Betrayed’s. This is going to probably be the most challenging, most difficult and most upsetting time of your life. Death itself would be easier to cope with than this. 

If you have found this site, you have found something good. Please take the time to listen to the people here, there are those of us who have been here a long time, who have already been dragged down the horrifying road of infidelity, and we have been through everything you are now going through. We cannot tell you that your spouse will wake up and come to their senses-sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it ends in divorce. What we can tell you however is the advice you need to protect yourself. This is a time where your cheating spouse has lost all their common sense. They are in complete idiot mode. They will say and do things that will boggle your mind. You will not even know this person. It will look like your spouse on the outside but their actions will make you think aliens took over their bodies. 

Some of you may think the advice given here is too far-fetched, like going no contact and using devices to watch them-but it is for the best. You are protecting yourself. This is what is right. I also want to warn you about bad advice. Please be very cautious of bad advice. I went through some bad advice and the end result was me being 7 years behind in recovery from my husband’s betrayal. I could have spent those 7 years healing and moving on, instead I spent 7 years being a doormat. 

In 2003, my husband (now ex-husband, his name is Asshat) left me for another woman. The things he did to me during that time was awful, but that’s another story for another time. Like you, I went online to seek out ways to save my marriage because I was so desperate to have Asshat home. I found a group of Christian women who had also been left by their cheating husbands. I thought I had found the answer I was looking for. Here was this group of wonderful women who took me in, and comforted me and prayed for me. I felt there was hope. As nice as these women were, they were about as clueless as a rock as what to do. The advice they gave me was the worst possible advice I had ever, ever received before in my life. I mean, my childhood friend who, when we were 10 years old dared me to put my finger in the mouse trap gave me better advice than these women did. 

Being that they were all Christians, they wanted to save their marriages based on God’s word, which if you are a believer and you do pray, that’s wonderful! I am a believer myself but know that God frees you from your vows if your spouse is unfaithful. These women based their marriage saving skills on certain biblical scriptures such as “being submissive to your husband” and “God hates divorce”. What we failed to understand is that being submissive to your husband did not mean to be his doormat to rub his crappy shoes all over, but unfortunately, this is what we let our husband’s do to us. What we also failed to understand is that yes, God hates divorce but we are freed from it our spouse is unfaithful. We are no longer bound to them at that point. 

These women would tell me to do whatever Asshat wanted so he could see how much I loved him and he would be drawn back in by my “niceness”. They told me to write him a long apology letter, telling him how much I was sorry for failing him. In other words, I was to accept ALL the blame for his cheating because somehow I was not a good enough wife and that’s why he went outside the marriage. And I did that. I took all the blame. I told him if he came home, I would do this and I would be that, and I would never hurt him again. HA! Can you imagine that? Here is this awful, soulless person who left his pregnant wife to be with another woman and I was apologizing to him?? Crazy, huh? But that’s the advice they gave me. 

They told me that by taking the blame onto myself, any guilt he had would be lifted from him and he could then feel free to come home, and that he would appreciate me taking that burden from him. (Yeah, right.) Well, I spent two years, from 2003 to 2005, being a doormat to Asshat. I let him have sex with me at least once a week, sometimes more, knowing full well he was sleeping with the other woman. Again, this was the advice from these women. They told me that as his wife, I “belonged” to him, and my body was his and if I denied him his sexual needs, he would think I no longer cared. (and I was so scared to let him think even for a second, that I no longer cared) They would tell me that when he came over to visit with our children, I should make him feel at home by cooking for him and letting him be “the man of the house”-even though this was my own apartment and he did not live there. He was living with the other woman. For those two years, he was the biggest cake eating sonnabltch there ever was. The way he treated me was pure hell. 

While I strived to be all nicey-nice to him in some desperate, pathetic attempt to get him to love me, he did nothing but crap all over me. (I have horror stories of what he put me through) 
In 2005, two years to the exact day that he left me, he came back. He told me he was sorry and he wanted another chance. I thought all my time being a rug had finally paid off. Hallelujah, he saw the light! I took him back without even blinking an eye. He promised to be open and honest with me about everything because he wanted to earn my trust back. My women friends were very happy for me, they told me that everything was paying off, he had seen how much I loved him but then came more bad advice- they told me to never check up on him, on anything because otherwise he would think I was spying on him and he would never trust me. They told me I needed to just give him trust, and that making him earn it back would scare him away. I was his wife, not his mother, and he was the head of the house, not me. Everything was to be about him. So, I ended up rug sweeping everything. He was never made to be held accountable for what he had done. 

From 2005 until I left him for good in April 2011, he treated me like I was worthless. He was very emotionally abusive towards me. He continued to run around with other women (I know of 3 for sure. I bet there were more.) I was very broken. All my self-confidence was lost. I was an empty shell of a person. It took me a long time to realize that what I had been doing was the worst possible thing I could have been doing. For one, my being nice did not make Asshat love him. All he saw was free cake. For two, I put myself behind 7 years in recovery. I should have divorced him back in 2003 and moved on with my life. Believe me, I wish I would have found TAM instead.

After all of these years, there is one lady I still occasionally keep in touch with. When I told her that I was going to divorce Asshat this time, she almost begged me not to do that. She said I needed to simply wait for him to get it all “out of his system”. I told I could not do that, for I had been treated wrong for way to long and I needed to be free. Now, this lady has been waiting for her husband to come home for over 10 years. She is still holding onto her belief that she needs to wait and God will bring him home. Her husband has since remarried and had a child with his new wife. I tried to tell her that we were all wrong and she needs to let go and move on, but she wouldn’t hear of it. I hope someday she will wake up as 10 years is a very long time to wait for someone.

Please be aware of bad advice. Any advice that tells you to bend over and grab your ankles is bad advice. Do not be like I was. I did not stand up for myself and it almost destroyed me. It took the last ounce of strength I had to throw Asshat out of my house but it was the greatest thing I had ever done for myself. It’s been 6 months now since our divorce and I am in full no contact with him-we speak about the kids only and it’s always straight to the point, nothing more. I know how incredibly hard it is not to beg them and make them promises and try to compromise with them. But that would be the wrong thing to do. If your spouse wants to ride off into the fantasy sunset with their skuzzy, let them. You never chase after them. Your spouse will NOT be different than all the other cheaters. Your spouse will not wake up to you being all nice to them. Your spouse will not see things your way by you making them promises. 

Remember, being cheated on is never your fault and you owe them nothing. They want to leave, then fine. In fact, I bet their clothes would look lovely splayed out all over the front lawn. Please know that the advice we give here is for YOU. It can help your marriage but there are no guarantees it will save your marriage. The steps we want you to take is so you can be stronger, so you can find yourself again, so you can know you are worth it and so you do not allow yourself to be a rug. I was a rug for several years. Believe me; rugs do not have a good life. They only get walked on. Don’t be a rug.

I wish so bad I had never followed the bad advice of those women. I know they meant well but they had it all so wrong. If your spouse wants to save the marriage and is sorry for what they did, that’s good but you still need to hold your ground. They can still lie or trickle truth or gas-light you. I highly recommend spending as much time as you can reading through the threads and the stickies. Learn about no contact and the 180. Learn about spying and become a detective. Learn how to use VAR’s and make them accountable for their whereabouts at all times. They don’t even get to shlt without you knowing about it. If they refuse to do anything you need them to do for your recovery, do not compromise with them, kick them out and don’t be afraid of doing so either. You never let this defeat you. 

Anyways, be aware of bad advice. Do not ever beg them, or chase them or plead with them. Do not ever take the blame for their affair. Educate yourself as much as you possibly can and if the other person has a spouse, tell that person about the affair but don’t tell your spouse what you are going to do, and yes, they will be mad at you for doing that but don’t let that bother you. They put themselves in this mess. Please, just take care of yourself and do what you need to do to overcome this, and know that you will. We have all been through this and we have survived. You will too.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Great Letter!:smthumbup:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I have noticed a recent increase of newly betrayed spouses. This is incredibly upsetting. It makes you wonder if no one can ever stay faithful anymore. It’s very sad to see that this is the world we live in today, where marriage vows are just words and hold no true meaning anymore. This message is to those newly Betrayed’s. This is going to probably be the most challenging, most difficult and most upsetting time of your life. Death itself would be easier to cope with than this. If you have found this site, you have found something good. Please take the time to listen to the people here, there are those of us who have been here a long time, who have already been dragged down the horrifying road of infidelity, and we have been through everything you are now going through. We cannot tell you that your spouse will wake up and come to their senses-sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it ends in divorce. What we can tell you however is the advice you need to protect yourself. This is a time where your cheating spouse has lost all their common sense. They are in complete idiot mode. They will say and do things that will boggle your mind. You will not even know this person. It will look like your spouse on the outside but their actions will make you think aliens took over their bodies. Some of you may think the advice given here is too far-fetched, like going no contact and using devices to watch them-but it is for the best. You are protecting yourself. This is what is right. I also want to warn you about bad advice. Please be very cautious of bad advice. I went through some bad advice and the end result was me being 7 years behind in recovery from my husband’s betrayal. I could have spent those 7 years healing and moving on, instead I spent 7 years being a doormat.
> In 2003, my husband (now ex-husband, his name is Asshat) left me for another woman. The things he did to me during that time was awful, but that’s another story for another time. Like you, I went online to seek out ways to save my marriage because I was so desperate to have Asshat home. I found a group of Christian women who had also been left by their cheating husbands. I thought I had found the answer I was looking for. Here was this group of wonderful women who took me in, and comforted me and prayed for me. I felt there was hope. As nice as these women were, they were about as clueless as a rock as what to do. The advice they gave me was the worst possible advice I had ever, ever received before in my life. I mean, my childhood friend who, when we were 10 years old dared me to put my finger in the mouse trap gave me better advice than these women did. Being that they were all Christians, they wanted to save their marriages based on God’s word, which if you are a believer and you do pray, that’s wonderful! I am a believer myself but know that God frees you from your vows if your spouse is unfaithful. These women based their marriage saving skills on certain biblical scriptures such as “being submissive to your husband” and “God hates divorce”. What we failed to understand is that being submissive to your husband did not mean to be his doormat to rub his crappy shoes all over, but unfortunately, this is what we let our husband’s do to us. What we also failed to understand is that yes, God hates divorce but we are freed from it our spouse is unfaithful. We are no longer bound to them at that point. These women would tell me to do whatever Asshat wanted so he could see how much I loved him and he would be drawn back in by my “niceness”. They told me to write him a long apology letter, telling him how much I was sorry for failing him. In other words, I was to accept ALL the blame for his cheating because somehow I was not a good enough wife and that’s why he went outside the marriage. And I did that. I took all the blame. I told him if he came home, I would do this and I would be that, and I would never hurt him again. HA! Can you imagine that? Here is this awful, soulless person who left his pregnant wife to be with another woman and I was apologizing to him?? Crazy, huh? But that’s the advice they gave me. They told me that by taking the blame onto myself, any guilt he had would be lifted from him and he could then feel free to come home, and that he would appreciate me taking that burden from him. (Yeah, right.) Well, I spent two years, from 2003 to 2005, being a doormat to Asshat. I let him have sex with me at least once a week, sometimes more, knowing full well he was sleeping with the other woman. Again, this was the advice from these women. They told me that as his wife, I “belonged” to him, and my body was his and if I denied him his sexual needs, he would think I no longer cared. (and I was so scared to let him think even for a second, that I no longer cared) They would tell me that when he came over to visit with our children, I should make him feel at home by cooking for him and letting him be “the man of the house”-even though this was my own apartment and he did not live there. He was living with the other woman. For those two years, he was the biggest cake eating sonnabltch there ever was. The way he treated me was pure hell. While I strived to be all nicey-nice to him in some desperate, pathetic attempt to get him to love me, he did nothing but crap all over me. (I have horror stories of what he put me through)
> In 2005, two years to the exact day that he left me, he came back. He told me he was sorry and he wanted another chance. I thought all my time being a rug had finally paid off. Hallelujah, he saw the light! I took him back without even blinking an eye. He promised to be open and honest with me about everything because he wanted to earn my trust back. My women friends were very happy for me, they told me that everything was paying off, he had seen how much I loved him but then came more bad advice- they told me to never check up on him, on anything because otherwise he would think I was spying on him and he would never trust me. They told me I needed to just give him trust, and that making him earn it back would scare him away. I was his wife, not his mother, and he was the head of the house, not me. Everything was to be about him. So, I ended up rug sweeping everything. He was never made to be held accountable for what he had done. From 2005 until I left him for good in April 2011, he treated me like I was worthless. He was very emotionally abusive towards me. He continued to run around with other women (I know of 3 for sure. I bet there were more.) I was very broken. All my self-confidence was lost. I was an empty shell of a person. It took me a long time to realize that what I had been doing was the worst possible thing I could have been doing. For one, my being nice did not make Asshat love him. All he saw was free cake. For two, I put myself behind 7 years in recovery. I should have divorced him back in 2003 and moved on with my life. Believe me, I wish I would have found TAM instead.
> After all of these years, there is one lady I still occasionally keep in touch with. When I told her that I was going to divorce Asshat this time, she almost begged me not to do that. She said I needed to simply wait for him to get it all “out of his system”. I told I could not do that, for I had been treated wrong for way to long and I needed to be free. Now, this lady has been waiting for her husband to come home for over 10 years. She is still holding onto her belief that she needs to wait and God will bring him home. Her husband has since remarried and had a child with his new wife. I tried to tell her that we were all wrong and she needs to let go and move on, but she wouldn’t hear of it. I hope someday she will wake up as 10 years is a very long time to wait for someone.
> ...


Seriously, these women exist (Christian Group)??? My heart goes out to you AD, for getting suckered in like this. Glad you got rid of that asshat of yours, too.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Seriously, these women exist (Christian Group)??? My heart goes out to you AD, for getting suckered in like this. Glad you got rid of that asshat of yours, too.


They do indeed exist. In fact, there is a big market out there on how to get your spouse back by using what it says in the Bible. I believe in God but the way they teach you to bend over and spread your cheeks for your unfaithful spouse is maddening. They tell you to do pretty much the exact opposite of what we say here. I am not putting these women down, I understand their desperation to have their husband's home, they were just severely misguided. Very bad advice.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Seriously, these women exist (Christian Group)???



there are religious groups that believe you can make homosexuals straight, so it's not so hard to fathom


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> there are religious groups that believe you can make homosexuals straight, so it's not so hard to fathom


The only part that's hard to believe is that 'regular' people fall for this kind of thing. I can't see it ever happening to me, but who knows what people will turn to when they see no other way. Better to listen to hyped up bible thumpers than to hit the streets and go 'postal', I guess...Just sayin...!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> They do indeed exist. In fact, there is a big market out there on how to get your spouse back by using what it says in the Bible. I believe in God but the way they teach you to bend over and spread your cheeks for your unfaithful spouse is maddening. They tell you to do pretty much the exact opposite of what we say here. I am not putting these women down, I understand their desperation to have their husband's home, they were just severely misguided. Very bad advice.



Many "Christians" cherry pick the Bible to find something to back them up....it amazes me when they forget about what Christ himself says concerning infidelity.

They fail in taking on the whole counsel of God.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Thank you for taking the time to write out that post. I really want to try to read it, and Im really gonna try... 

Any chance you could reformat it into paragraphs? it just looks like a monsterous ball of text, its kinda intimidating me. Im afraid I might hurt myself, or cause some Dain Bramage. 

*edit* OK, I did it. Thank you again for taking the time to write that. Its very true, and will be very helpful to n0obz trying to figure out what "good" and "bad" advice looks like.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is a great post.

Thank you for sharing your story of struggle and triumph.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Thank you for taking the time to write out that post. I really want to try to read it, and Im really gonna try...
> 
> Any chance you could reformat it into paragraphs? it just looks like a monsterous ball of text, its kinda intimidating me. Im afraid I might hurt myself, or cause some Dain Bramage.


Pit, I originally wrote it out on Word, and it was all nice and formatted in pretty little easy to read paragraphs but when I copied it into a new thread here, it got all mashed together. Sorry


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> Pit, I originally wrote it out on Word, and it was all nice and formatted in pretty little easy to read paragraphs but when I copied it into a new thread here, it got all mashed together. Sorry


It's all good.

I mostly mentioned that because your thoughts and your story deserve to be read. Your strength is a great story. Id hate to see it get passed over and someone to miss it because it was tough to read on a small CPU screen or on someones phone.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

That is really crazy for that poor woman to be waiting ten years for her husband to come home. After he remarried and now have a child you'd think she'd start catching up with living her life. The time on this earth is just too short. God betta knock on her door and tell her to get her a man because the man she is waiting on is married with child.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

AD, thank you for that post. I admire you so much for the way you have transformed your life. I come to this board every day and it is tragic reading some of the threads here. But, it has enlightened me and helped my marriage in so many ways. I am so fortunate in that I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful husband and there has been no infidelity in our marriage; however, I have been touched by infidelity in my life. When I was a child, I caught my mother in bed with my dad's brother. Can you imagine being 12 years old and witnessing such a thing? That was 36 years ago, my mother has since passed and so has my uncle, but it still breaks my heart to think about it. As a child, I struggled with whether or not to tell my dad. I never did because I was terrified he would kill my uncle. My mother and uncle never mentioned it to me after that night. It is a long story that maybe I will post about someday. I have kept that secret for all these years and there are still times when it literally eats me alive. That infidelity has affected my entire life, so I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that is caused by a cheating spouse. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I am thankful there is a place that people can come to to vent and get advice. Keep up the good work.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Well done Apple, nice post.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Great post Apple. 

I believe these Christian women's advice was an extreme example of what many good little girls are taught will get them love, marriage and children. 

How many women were told, either explicitly or implicitly, to be nice, please him, and give give give to him, to kids, to family, to in laws etc.; don't be selfish. I have a notion that will not leave me- that women are not happy or loved if they they don't give.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

karole said:


> AD, thank you for that post. I admire you so much for the way you have transformed your life. I come to this board every day and it is tragic reading some of the threads here. But, it has enlightened me and helped my marriage in so many ways. I am so fortunate in that I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful husband and there has been no infidelity in our marriage; however, I have been touched by infidelity in my life. When I was a child, I caught my mother in bed with my dad's brother. Can you imagine being 12 years old and witnessing such a thing? That was 36 years ago, my mother has since passed and so has my uncle, but it still breaks my heart to think about it. As a child, I struggled with whether or not to tell my dad. I never did because I was terrified he would kill my uncle. My mother and uncle never mentioned it to me after that night. It is a long story that maybe I will post about someday. I have kept that secret for all these years and there are still times when it literally eats me alive. That infidelity has affected my entire life, so I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that is caused by a cheating spouse. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I am thankful there is a place that people can come to to vent and get advice. Keep up the good work.


Thank you Karole. I'm not so sure I am someone to be admired but I do appreciate the compliment. I still struggle, especially with the loneliness. I hate being alone. I'm in the middle of that desperate struggle between being so lonely I just want someone in my life to not be willing to let anyone close to me because I am not willing to be hurt again. This makes it hard because on one hand, I want to get out there and meet people but on the other hand, any man better stay a good 10 feet away if he knows what's good for him, lol. 
You are welcome to share your story at anytime. I know I find being able to talk about what's in my thoughts very therapeutic.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Great post Apple.
> 
> I believe these Christian women's advice was an extreme example of what many good little girls are taught will get them love, marriage and children.
> 
> ...


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I kindly request white space in the OP. 

The edit function and enter key would go along way to getting that message out to the group of folks that arent and dont want to be cross eyed


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Thank you for taking the time to write out that post. I really want to try to read it, and Im really gonna try...
> 
> Any chance you could reformat it into paragraphs? it just looks like a monsterous ball of text, its kinda intimidating me. Im afraid I might hurt myself, or cause some Dain Bramage.
> 
> *edit* OK, I did it. Thank you again for taking the time to write that. Its very true, and will be very helpful to n0obz trying to figure out what "good" and "bad" advice looks like.


hmmm, now that has my mind thinking about writing something on good advice verses bad advice.....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> I kindly request white space in the OP.
> 
> The edit function and enter key would go along way to getting that message out to the group of folks that arent and dont want to be cross eyed


? sorry, I am not sure what you mean


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> ? sorry, I am not sure what you mean


blimey appple that was a fantastic post but i think you have been reading too many first posts and forgotten we like a bit of spacing between paragraphs and stuff I know you normally do it and people are asking you to cos it i such a good post and you know we want to link it to our signatures

Hmmm. No "Laughs at own joke" avatar.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> They do indeed exist. In fact, there is a big market out there on how to get your spouse back by using what it says in the Bible. I believe in God but the way they teach you to bend over and spread your cheeks for your unfaithful spouse is maddening. They tell you to do pretty much the exact opposite of what we say here. I am not putting these women down, I understand their desperation to have their husband's home, they were just severely misguided. Very bad advice.


Well done AD. That’s what Plan A (of Plan/A Plan B) is all about. There was a lot of it here one time on TAM (and it was very Religious with Bible quotes etc.). It was sad to see the (mostly) guys going through the Plan A process and getting absolutely nowhere and a great deal hurt and bewildered. Essentially as we all mostly know here now they were rewarding their wives bad behaviour. There was quite a battle about it all. I looked for an alternative to help the guys out, found and liked the 180 from Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce and introduced it here. It’s fabulous to see how it’s all panned out now, no more Plan As.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> blimey appple that was a fantastic post but i think you have been reading too many first posts and forgotten we like a bit of spacing between paragraphs and stuff I know you normally do it and people are asking you to cos it i such a good post and you know we want to link it to our signatures
> 
> Hmmm. No "Laughs at own joke" avatar.


"Blimey" I love it when you speak all Australian, ing, lol. I always read it your posts in my best Australian accent 

I will go back to *edit* this. I sorry  Like I told Pit, I wrote this all out on Word originally and it was all neat and pretty and written in nice, simple easy to read paragraphs and when I copied it in a new thread, it ended up getting all mashed together.

Oh, and if someone wanted to link this in their sig, that would be way too cool. :smthumbup:


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