# Photographs and Memories



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ok, Maybe this subject has been brought up and discussed on this forum before but I haven't seen it.

It's probably a topic none of us really want to think about right now but sooner or later, we will have to deal with it.

How do you deal with the doling out/seperation of family photos and when do you think it is best to go over them with your SO?

My stbxw and I have put all of our photos in storage and agreed to meet sometime after we settle into our new places to divide the photos. All digital stuff will be copied so we willl both have those. What do you do when you go over 30+ years of memories? Is it a bad idea to agree to review them after we are on our way to healing? I am so afraid it'll drag me back down when I am on my way up months down the road.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Ok, Maybe this subject has been brought up and discussed on this forum before but I haven't seen it.
> 
> It's probably a topic none of us really want to think about right now but sooner or later, we will have to deal with it.
> 
> ...


I'm so glad someone asked this question. I'm facing 25 years worth of pictures. I have already separated pics of his parents, grandparents and childhood pics of him. I have almost all the others, us, the kids, parties, homes, etc. At this point I am feeling that what he gets now is what he gets, no more. I was the family photographer, album maker and since he couldn't be bothered to do family portraits since my 18 yr old was a mere month old, well he just plain doesn't deserve them. If the kids want to give him any that they may have, that's fine. I may relent on this in the future but right now the thought of pics of us ending up in some other female's home just doesn't sit right with me. H has asked DD to send him some off his laptop (which was left in my possession when he took off) and she has yet to do so. I'm not stopping her either. I'm just not sure about this. Help?!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

All my pics are digital, but here is what I would do. Get a scanner and pay someone $10 an hour to scan them all in (or do it yourself if you have time). Get them all on your computer so you don't have to lose any!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm not even splitting up, but after all the issues we had I decided I don't want photos of my life, ever!!!! I realized I get zero enjoyment out of them, archiving them, looking at them, organizing them, having to print and share them, label them, sending them to people who want them, downloading them, and so forth.

So, ummmm, I deleted the digital ones and defragmented my hard drives and I put the slides and negatives in the trash.

Deleted the on-line photos and so forth.

What survived were a few photos that are on shelves and my driver's license and insurance card. 

I don't recommend this approach to everyone...but I had a specific trigger, and that was that after my father died (committed suicide) when I was 17 my mother who had left us several years ago and got a divorce guilt-tripped me into letting her live in the house, where, while she was resident, besides cashing my Social Security checks that I had no idea I was getting, and having the realtor pay the utilities, she helped herself to my father's collection of slide photos. I could see her going through them to get the naked ones  But she took all of them and then after years of abusive behavior towards me tried to use them as a way of having contact with me. Even a few years ago she sent copies of newspaper photos and some of my childhood artwork to my ex, not realizing I was separated from him for a few years. He was concerned about a delusional letter she'd sent him (addressed confidential, to his workplace!)...and why she was sending these old snippets and artwork from my preschool years...

Anyway, I realized I despised photos and decided I wanted to live like people did in the 1500's who couldn't afford artwork. 

There was more and that was that when you look at a photo then the next time you look at a photo you have the memory of when the photo was taken, but also of the time you looked at the photo and what you were thinking/feeling. It got to be too much, I have a terrific memory and the layers and layers of memories related to the photos really were way too much. 

I've done this before in my past and it has never had any dire consequences. I periodically purge photos and books and momentos and then resolve not to accumulate any more. I guess it's no surprise that I come from a long line of Quakers. :rofl: I do write and tend to hold onto things that I write, or ideas for writing. Even then I like the idea of oral history and storytelling. 

It's very liberating to go to a dance recital or on a hike and not to have to take photos.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HNU, I have reservations about keeping some of the photos. I know what you mean some of those memories, especially the good ones are too painful for me to see right now. Although I cant agree to just make all of it disappear; I will keep a few. The ones of the kids i will definitely keep. I have a good memory of those occasions too but what if you want to pass down to your grandchildren and so on the recorded times in stills of some of your family history? You cant do that without photos. 

I do understand throwing them out though if the photos brought back bad memories so I am talking about the great times we had. 

I suspect my stbxw will toss any photos of her and my mom and sister together - they never really got along very well. I will keep only a couple of pictures of her and I am still grappling with what to do with our wedding photos. Those might go to the kids if they want them. This will be all painful for me. To think that while those moments were happening we were so good together and had no clue of the future demise of our marriage.

I could never just throw them out though. And what of the videos, those are gonna hurt! Man, theres nothing good comes out of divorce. I hope my kids will be better at their marriage than I was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

I had held onto photos from my husband and my senior proms. We were high school sweethearts who broke up and got back together 12 years later, 3 years ago, BIG MISTAKE obviously. I had photos from then, cards, momentos, etc. I kept them tucked away in a box. When we got back together I showed him and then we added new memories, photos, etc to it. I gave it to him when I asked him to leave. I no longer want them. As far as our "family" photos of our kids and us together (we each have 2 kids from our previous marriages, but none together) he has those on our computer which he took. So all memories are GONE and I am glad. I don't want them anymore!!! NONE of them.....


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

LOLOL, my stoooopid H could care less about any momentos. He hated taking pics. They are mine and I will keep them as MY memories.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I see that there is really no consensus on this topic. Hummmm! I gues it is really just up to individual preference and how we feel about dealing with the memories those pictures bring back. I really think it would be hard to just toss 36 years but I can see where less years together and no kids could leave me wanting to burn them all. 

I am sure there will be some that I will hate, some that I will want to keep, some that will make me cry and somethat will just make me want to puke! Bottom line is I can already see it won't be pleasant for me dividing up the pics. I am sure I will run across at least one that will break my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you are unsure about it, keep everything and put in a tight waterproof storage box, store out of heat and wait until you can decide. 

Sooner or later you will have a feeling and then you will know what to do.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

the ex very kindly went thru the photo albums and re-arranged them, all quite nicely, left me with 4 or 5 albums, all nice photos. I went thru them and took out every picture of her and sent them to her. All digital pics I copied to a memory stick and gave that to her, then deleted every pic of her and her family.
Mind you, she didn't leave any of the wedding pics, she has done some really strange, almost bizarre, things, not even professionals can figure out !


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I deleted ALL photos that even reminded me of soon to be ex. I thought about it and thank god I back up my hard drive because I decided I wanted to retrieve them. I socked them away in a buried folder of my computer since like you guys, they are WAY too painful to look at.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If you are unsure about it, keep everything and put in a tight waterproof storage box, store out of heat and wait until you can decide.
> 
> Sooner or later you will have a feeling and then you will know what to do.


Yeah, that is exactly what we did and put in storage. I am just afraid to go there later when you are back on your feet and relive it all. But I also don't want to lose the memories captured there. Awwww crap, this sucks!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> I deleted ALL photos that even reminded me of soon to be ex. I thought about it and thank god I back up my hard drive because I decided I wanted to retrieve them. I socked them away in a buried folder of my computer since like you guys, they are WAY too painful to look at.


Maybe one day we can look back at them with less sad emotion and be thankful for the good years. You never know, someday you might want to create an autobiography of your life and include your experiences. Only if the memories no longer make you feel melancholy. I am hoping some day I can look back at them with happiness and gratitude for the gifts I was given and appreciate those good times without pain of heart.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

There's a 4 picture frame that I had pit pics in from one of the parties we had. STBXH likes karaoke and his friends played guitars and drums so we always had a live band at our house for our get togethers. The frame is now at my son's house and each time I visit I walk on the other side of that room to avoid seeing the pic of STBXH. At first I couldn't even look at it, then I would feel so much anger when I saw it. It is getting a little easier to see it, the anger/hatred is diminishing. Being as it in my son's house and STBXH is son's Dad, I can't very well asked him to put it away. I haven't said a word about. I simply deal with it in my own way. I expect that pretty soon I won't even realize its there.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cherokee, this is a deeper wound than I thought. I don't know how I will deal with that. I suspect I will see her in many pictures at my childrens house. Can one cry enough to just get it all out at once; it would be so much easier.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> cherokee, this is a deeper wound than I thought. I don't know how I will deal with that. I suspect I will see her in many pictures at my childrens house. Can one cry enough to just get it all out at once; it would be so much easier.


In the beginning I couldn't let go of a pic of us that was taken on a cruise we took at Christmas in 2009. We looked so in love, so happy. Then it got to where I couldn't even catch a glimpse of him in a picture anywhere in the house without just seething inside, then tears. Yes, it is a deep wound and may not completely heal.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

staircase said:


> I deleted ALL photos that even reminded me of soon to be ex. I thought about it and thank god I back up my hard drive because I decided I wanted to retrieve them. I socked them away in a buried folder of my computer since like you guys, they are WAY too painful to look at.


painful, yep, they are now, the absolute sh*t she has put me through, and continues to put me through. But you know what, if it wasn't for the marriage breakdown I would never have met some brilliant people, both here and in real life, I would probably never have been diagnosed as clinically depressed and would continue to be more and more unhappy for no apparent reason.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Yeah, that is exactly what we did and put in storage. I am just afraid to go there later when you are back on your feet and relive it all. But I also don't want to lose the memories captured there. Awwww crap, this sucks!


Don't worry about going back.
Envision yourself going back with someone supportive who will 'get it'.
You'll know when.
Leave a note for yourself with the photos


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HNU, sorry this is a late post but thanks for the encouragement!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

My H hasn't even taken the photos of the kids as babies from his dresser! He has some pics of the family at work and as far as I know, they are still there. He still wears his wedding band too. The photos are mine, we can make copies if he wants some. He is and will always be a part of my life and he is the reason my kids are who they are. Do not destroy anything, put them away if you are unsure


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I haven't been able to look at a picture since I did the computer cleanse.

crankshaw-going to the shrink was ones of the best things I have ever done for myself. I got a case of the bipolar which mainly sits in the manic territory. I get panic attacks, OCD thoughts and basically felt terrorized for no reason for the longest time. Panic and OCD still lingers around, but I feel a million times better. Thank god for meds.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

We went digital when our second daughter was born so the only pictures that need dividing are first daughter's first 2 years. 

I love the pictures and in most he wasn't even there. They remind me that there was never the happy times I wanted to pretend were there.
That part has made me cry, looking and remembering, or worse yet the ones the kids took while I was at work...
I wanted so bad to delete them out of pure shame but I was doing my part, I just couldn't count on him so that was what had to change 
I did it, am doing it, scariest thing I have ever done but it is going well... 10 more years...


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

For me photographs sharpen my memory. As time goes on I want to be able to sit down and remember the 10 years I spent with my soon to be ex-wife so that the lessons I learned stick. Not just the ones from the divorce process either. There was a lot of growing as an individual and as a couple during that time and even if we ultimately ended up apart I want each and every one of those memories. 

So. Short version = I kept everything possible.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oak, thanks. I think that is the direction I am planning to go but I really won't know how I will handle it until the time comes to actually divide them up. I also want the good memories of our kids growing up, going places, etc. I have thousands of pics to go through (36 years) but I will not toss them. The only thing in question in my mind right now are the wedding and honeymoon photos - those are really gonna hurt and I may have to let some of those go. It's awful!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I have one favorite picture of stbx that I really loved. I'm getting all upset even just thinking of that damn picture. We were on vacation at the Outer Banks. I am so full of hurt and rage today


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I kept them. 

They're in a box, with my wedding memoirs, dress, and all our other photos together. We WERE happy for a long time regardless of any whatever that may have been going on. I've never loved someone like I loved stbx and I want to remember that and remember him as I loved him, not the monster that he turned into.

I went back to my apartment after I first left to get some things and found a gorgeous photo of us that he had take a cigarette and burned my face out of the picture. That is the moment I decided he doesn't need or want those photos, and any wedding pictures or "good times" pictures that were digital he can steal from my facebook.

No hard feelings, no real tears, just memories that at some point I know Im going to want around and will eventually be able to look at and smile remembering the good. It wasn't always perfect, but when it was, I have pictures to remind me that I didn't waste 6yrs of my life because I truly loved the person I married and the time we spent together.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

CL, thanks for those words, I feel the same about the pics reminding me thay I did not just waste 36 years of my life. I want to know that they were worth something and there were many wonderful memories. I am like you on this one, I am not ready right now to view - too much pain about the loss.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Wow that's harsh CL. You are handling it so well and with such class. I'd be plotting out how to take a cigarette to his actual face.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Seriously that is messed up CL. I will say that I kept all wedding mementos and such too. Like you said they are in a box tucked away. 

I try not to look at photos and think "Well there is the woman who left me." I look at them and think "There I AM and look at the places I have gone, and things I have done." Whomever is standing next to me is just decoration, like the scenery behind me 

That said, as a newly single guy I am limiting the NUMBER of photos with her in them lol. 

For my ex I know she wanted nothing to remind her of me, or us. She only kept her family photos. I guess we all cope in our own way, but I felt like a "bigger" person for acknowledging that those times together didn't just disappear and respecting them for what they are. It may not work for everyone, but it gave me some strength.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

And I might add for the sake of my thread and deleting memories. When we were cleaning out our bedroom closet about 5 weeks ago to get the house ready for sale - she tossed her wedding dress! She had it stored for 31 years, plan was to pass it down. I asked her to ask our daughter if she wanted to hang on to it - her response? What would <insert daughters namw> do with this? So off it want to the garbage.

Yip. That hurt. Actually, I hadn't thought about that in over 3 weeks so I guess it didn't hurt too long.


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