# "But he chose you"



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I hate this saying - and it goes both ways - SHE decided to stay with you. Oh really? Because I thought we made that vow the day we were married, that we would chose you and no other. But then someone else enters the picture and there is another choice to make? One that shouldn't have been there in the first place?
Recovery is a long, slogging process. And we're doing well. But I still wish the past was different. The loss of trust is worse than the fact that we gave intimacy to someone else for a short time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What triggered you?

Just curious.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Well, after her affair, she "regained her senses". Yep that is what she told me. And she CHOSE ME. Trouble was.....I decided not to choose her. LOL It was quite a shock to her system.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> I hate this saying - and it goes both ways - SHE decided to stay with you. Oh really? Because I thought we made that vow the day we were married, that we would chose you and no other. But then someone else enters the picture and there is another choice to make? One that shouldn't have been there in the first place?


That's why you turn the tables and catch them with their pants down. I got the, "I'm not sure what to do... who to pick". Blah, blah, blah... Mentality. That's the cheating mentality. I have "choices", I have "multiple people" who want me. Aren't I a special "treasure"?

That's cool... I'm not an option anymore. Bye. Filing for divorce. With those words I snatched that power away from her. People like that think you will never leave them despite your protests. All of a sudden she was like, "Wait, what?" Next thing you know, she went from, "I'm not sure I want to be with you to" to BEGGING and SOBBING to me to "have her family back".

Funny how the attitude changes when you take the illusion of control away from them. That's all it is, an ILLUSION. They think they get to "pick" you. They are only 50% right it goes BOTH ways. All of a sudden, you go from being taken for granted to their one and only. I'd never consider "R" until the WS experienced the FEAR of losing you at the VERY LEAST. 

Otherwise, in their mind, you're just the chump who they settled for. A security blanket who is LUCKY to have them because YOU got picked. They will forever see you as weak and pathetic and if the opportunity arises again they'll go for it. Sorry, I pick who I want to be with, I don't settle. I think more of myself than that. I can do better.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

We stayed together because we love each other (the easy part) and the good outweighs the bad. 

trigger - I'm reading (with a girlfriend) Love and the Mystery of Betrayal. The author was left high and dry before their wedding (not for another woman). It got me thinking - that didn't happen with us, I should be "thankful?" it didn't?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's why you turn the tables and catch them with their pants down. I got the, "I'm not sure what to do... who to pick". Blah, blah, blah... Mentality. That's the cheating mentality. I have "choices", I have "multiple people" who want me. Aren't I a special "treasure"?
> 
> That's cool... I'm not an option anymore. Bye. Filing for divorce. With those words I snatched that power away from her. People like that think you will never leave them despite your protests. All of a sudden she was like, "Wait, what?" Next thing you know, she went from, "I'm not sure I want to be with you to" to BEGGING and SOBBING to me to "have her family back".
> 
> ...


Self respect is an attractive and desirable trait. More so than grovelling I think.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> trigger - I'm reading (with a girlfriend) Love and the Mystery of Betrayal. The author was left high and dry before their wedding (not for another woman). It got me thinking - that didn't happen with us, I should be "thankful?" it didn't?


Not really.... 

I hope she's worth the resentment and trust issues you clearly still have and are probably going to have to live with to some degree for the rest of your life if you marry her.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think for a lot cheaters, it's also the fear of being exposed for what they really are that is as much a fear as the loss of what they had.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Not really....
> 
> I hope she's worth the resentment and trust issues you clearly still have and are probably going to have to live with to some degree for the rest of your life if you marry her.


Umm - I'm a girl and this is one of my pals who has been a BS. I'm married to my husband and we've been together 30 years.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> Umm - I'm a girl and this is one of my pals who has been a BS. I'm married to my husband and we've been together 30 years.


Hmm.... Well.... Congratulations then!

You're not really triggering then just curious?

You should be "thankful" you picked each other and remained faithful.

More people than not can't say the same.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Hmm.... Well.... Congratulations then!
> 
> You're not really triggering then just curious?
> 
> ...


Keep reading.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Hmm.... Well.... Congratulations then!
> 
> You're not really triggering then just curious?
> 
> ...


we didn't. we were both unfaithful and are rebuilding.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> we didn't. we were both unfaithful and are rebuilding.


I will warn you now the BS/WS combination is a NASTY beast. It hard enough to be BS, but BOTH??!!! I guess you know this though..DUDE


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I hate that saying too. 

So I would say "_Well that's good for you, because for the next five or six years you are going to get to deal with my triggers, my mind movies, being called every vile name that can be thought of, losing your good reputation, losing a huge amount of your personal freedom....

I get to be your probation officer for the next five years. Are you sure you picked well?"_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

we don't say this to each other. We KNOW how hard it is. But others say it to us.. like, ok, you got that out of your system and now you're good. As if...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's why you turn the tables and catch them with their pants down. I got the, "I'm not sure what to do... who to pick". Blah, blah, blah... Mentality. That's the cheating mentality. I have "choices", I have "multiple people" who want me. Aren't I a special "treasure"?
> 
> That's cool... I'm not an option anymore. Bye. Filing for divorce. With those words I snatched that power away from her. People like that think you will never leave them despite your protests. All of a sudden she was like, "Wait, what?" Next thing you know, she went from, "I'm not sure I want to be with you to" to BEGGING and SOBBING to me to "have her family back".
> 
> ...


Wow. I wish Grid could read this post for a different perspective.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> we don't say this to each other. We KNOW how hard it is. But others say it to us.. like, ok, you got that out of your system and now you're good. As if...


I think the WS/BS combo, and both of you are, might not be possible to R. Its just WAY TOO messy on both sides. You are probably lucky just to still be SANE. I think you know what I'm talking about. DUDE


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stephscarlett said:


> we don't say this to each other. We KNOW how hard it is. But others say it to us.. like, ok, you got that out of your system and now you're good. As if...


Your friends and family want everything to just go back to being normal...before you and your husband blew up your reputations. If the two of you get over it, then they can go back to their happy illusion of equilibrium.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> You are probably lucky just to still be SANE. I think you know what I'm talking about. DUDE


you're right. Sometimes I think, "i'm still alive. How did that happen?" ha!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Don't be too disspointed if it doesn't work out. It may be best for you two to part ways and start clean. I'm easy on the WS, but I'm SUPER EASY on the WS/BS combo. I know that turmoil. And please explain for all the betrayed on here how much you hurt YOURSELF going wayward. They cant fathom the chaos going on in a wayward mind. DUDE


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> And please explain for all the betrayed on here how much you hurt YOURSELF going wayward. They cant fathom the chaos going on in a wayward mind. DUDE


oh yeah, being betrayed is one thing, but betraying others, and that includes YOURSELF, very very difficult to live with. I do a lot of eye rolling at myself.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> oh yeah, being betrayed is one thing, but betraying others, and that includes YOURSELF, very very difficult to live with. I do a lot of eye rolling at myself.


You rock!!! Congrats on getting your sheet together...DUDE


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's really sad to say, but with some folks, their "word" and their "loyalty" to their "committed" partner is only about as good as the recurrent swelling of their genitalia ~ at the mere thought or the sight of a little bit of "strange!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> we didn't. we were both unfaithful and are rebuilding.


OK.... I think I got the gist now. 

Hopefully you find whatever it is you are looking for.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think hence her user name...DUDE


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> OK.... I think I got the gist now.
> 
> Hopefully you find whatever it is you are looking for.


peace, with a side of personal responsibility please. And for a couple people to fall off the face of the earth.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Where are the Others? Do you two still encounter them out and about? Small town?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I occasionally see the OW - and the one I caught him on top of in the park is particularly hard to see. It's not often but it shakes me. 
My AP moved 4 hours away.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

stephscarlett said:


> I occasionally see the OW - and the one I caught him on top of in the park is particularly hard to see. It's not often but it shakes me.
> My AP moved 4 hours away.


Whoa!!!:surprise: He was banging her in the park? or were they just making out?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

For those interested in the "pick me" power dynamics in affairs... I suggest you look into the "stanford prison experiment":
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment

Essentially they took a bunch of people and randomly split them up into prison guards (with authority) and prisoners (with none) and watched what happened.

The guards became sadistic power tripping authoritarian figures due to situational attribution -- becase of the power imbalance.

That's basically what happens when one person counts on one person... who gets to pick and choose between two.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Making out


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You caught them in the park? Idk that's tough. You may already be in walk away mode. Are you on any meds? Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *It's really sad to say, but with some folks, their "word" and their "loyalty" to their "committed" partner is only about as good as the recurrent swelling of their genitalia ~ at the mere thought or the sight of a little bit of "strange!"*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You really should have your own column...>


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would think being both a BS and a WS would tend you give you a unique perspective. Many BS's cannot stop asking "how could they do this to me, cause so much pain and heartache?". However when you, or your H I suppose, ask yourself that question you have the answer within yourself. As to choosing, that is not totally accurate. In order make a choice that which you are choosing between must be static. In the dynamic environment of a relationship, one or more of your choices may suddenly no longer be a choice.

I am curious, how much remorse did you feel? Was it overwhelming? How about your H? Was his overwhelming? Was it enough to prevent another occurrence from happening? The "choice" to remain with someone is something that is decided daily. With each new day comes the opportunity to "change one's mind" and choose differently. The real question is do you and your H have sufficient resolve to make that choice, to remain together and to renew each day. I hope that you do and I wish you every good fortune.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I would think being both a BS and a WS would tend you give you a unique perspective. Many BS's cannot stop asking "how could they do this to me, cause so much pain and heartache?". However when you, or your H I suppose, ask yourself that question you have the answer within yourself. As to choosing, that is not totally accurate. In order make a choice that which you are choosing between must be static. In the dynamic environment of a relationship, one or more of your choices may suddenly no longer be a choice.
> 
> I am curious, how much remorse did you feel? Was it overwhelming? How about your H? Was his overwhelming? Was it enough to prevent another occurrence from happening? The "choice" to remain with someone is something that is decided daily. With each new day comes the opportunity to "change one's mind" and choose differently. The real question is do you and your H have sufficient resolve to make that choice, to remain together and to renew each day. I hope that you do and I wish you every good fortune.


well, the choice may not be the AP, but it could be to stay or leave I suppose.
Much remorse. I caused 100% of his pain. I almost drove off a bridge. 
Hubby, well, he doesnt' take 100% responsibility for his affairs. He said if I hadn't done it he wouldn't have done it. That may be true. But I could say if he would have been more emotionally available to me I wouldn't have done it. But see, that is my thing to own. I'm responsible for handling my pain, no matter where it comes from. There were a thousand other options available to me than have an affair. Same with him. His remorse was not after his first affair. In fact, he was so angry I put a stop to it, felt powerless, that he had another one in quick succession. Damn you guys, I hired a PI for 2 hours and that's what I found - him making out in the park. So, I found out everything myself. Not that it makes any affair better or worse. But it makes trust in recovery darn near impossible. 
sigh, we are doing ok, great for what we've gone through. I need to appreciate that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

stephscarlett said:


> well, the choice may not be the AP, but it could be to stay or leave I suppose.
> Much remorse. I caused 100% of his pain. I almost drove off a bridge.
> Hubby, well, he doesnt' take 100% responsibility for his affairs. He said if I hadn't done it he wouldn't have done it. That may be true. But I could say if he would have been more emotionally available to me I wouldn't have done it. But see, that is my thing to own. I'm responsible for handling my pain, no matter where it comes from. There were a thousand other options available to me than have an affair. Same with him. His remorse was not after his first affair. In fact, he was so angry I put a stop to it, felt powerless, that he had another one in quick succession. Damn you guys, I hired a PI for 2 hours and that's what I found - him making out in the park. So, I found out everything myself. Not that it makes any affair better or worse. But it makes trust in recovery darn near impossible.
> sigh, we are doing ok, great for what we've gone through. I need to appreciate that.


I'm so sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Self inflicted wounds are the worst
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

stephscarlett,

I remember your story and posts from another site.....and I always thought you were one of the fWS's who really 'got it' and worked diligently and hard on yourself to address why you cheated.

I also know occasionally the madhatters there would have discussions about carrying extra guilt if they were the initial cheater in the M.

I know from your story that you were the initial wayward...but don't ever recall reading a comment from you on this issue.

Have you ever felt a greater burden of guilt in R because your A was first?

I agree that your A doesn't excuse your H's choice to cheat....he still needs to own that HE made the decision and wasn't forced into it, even if his main motivation was simple revenge.

It's still his choice.

However, I'm wondering if you have had struggles with this?.....Has his blameshifting that your A was the motivation for his RA's been an additional burden you have found yourself carrying as you two R?


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Yes. I refuse to carry that burden. So does he. So who carries it? No one. We can't own each other's ****. It is a place we don't go to. We don't agree. 
But we are a good match otherwise. He is a good guy. I need at appreciate that more.


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