# Am I Making The Right Choice?



## Anon654 (Oct 2, 2008)

I posted on here a while ago, wondering what I should do, and got the usual mix of answers (keep trying at it) and (do you want to keep dealing with this/feeling like this for the rest of your life?).

Well, my wife and I haven't been happy for a while now. We have our moments where we might get along pretty well for a day or even a week, but it never lasts long. On New Years Eve, she mentioned to me that she wanted me to be happy and we should probably get a divorce. I've thought about at times too (divorce) but couldn't ever say anything because (a - I was too scared of the reaction and b - I care about her family too much). Well, we talked about things and figured that it would probably be best if I moved out and we followed through with divorce. She wanted me to move out quickly, but since she spends all the money I make, I had no savings set aside that I could use. I told her it would be a couple months before I could have enough saved to do it.

We talked to her mom (we were living with her parents, just moved in together to ease the financial burden on them and us) because she noticed that something was wrong. Well, after about 15 - 20 minutes of that, I just didn't feel very comfortable in the house any more. Instead of 2 months, I felt that if I was moving out, it needed to be tomorrow. I couldn't even stand to be near them and look them in the face (her parents), because I was/am ashamed that this is happening.

Keep in mind, my actions are based off all the queues that she is giving me. Every time I asked, she said that she didn't think there was any way that we could work it out. We've honestly tried and put in a lot of effort in 4 years, and still can't do it.

Anyway, while we were talking about it, she said that she didn't think I should talk to her for a few days. I moved in with my parents on Tuesday (just brought some of my stuff) and the one thing that she asked me not to do was talk to my brother's fiance because she has caused us a lot of problems in our relationship. She's like a lightswitch and can be nice one second, then mean and vicious the next. Anyway, she has made some nasty comments to my wife in the past, and my wife can't get over anything, just holds onto the resentment and anger forever. While at my parent's, my brother and the fiance came over. I'm not a person who can be rude to somebody to their face, so of course I talked to her. Well, my wife found out and that was it. She's done. That was the one thing she asked me not to do. Also, I didn't even call her yesterday, so she knew I didn't care. She said that when she tells me not to call her, that's when she needs me to do it the most. Yes, she's told me that before, but how many times have I gotten in trouble for not doing what she says? 

In the end, I don't know if I should try and see if there's even anything to do, or just follow through with it all and start fresh. She hasn't been alone ever, and has never had that chance to mature into an adult and form the self-reliance and self-dependence that we all need. I've had plenty of years on my own, and know I can take care of myself. Financially, I've always been responsible, but can't hold onto any money when I'm with her because she spends it. She has grown up with the mentality of "You don't know if you're going to live until tomorrow, so take care of yourself today", whereas I want to have a future to look forward to where I don't have to work and can travel and do whatever I want. Staying with her, I know that I'm never going to retire and will work long after I truly need to. I know that I can be back on my feet in 6 months just fine, but it's hard to make the decision to truly call it quits. 

I feel bad for her family, whom I've come to care a great deal about. I just don't know if I should try to make it work and be unhappy at least 50% of my life, or just stand up and say "Yes, we're done". Logically, it seems to make sense to just get back to my own life and start over, but it's so very hard to make the decision to do it. I'm afraid that if I was to go back, that things wouldn't get any better, because there are changes that we both need to make, and I don't think that it will ever happen. I feel terrible for all the people that we hurt because of it too, the family members on both sides that we will be losing.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, but I know that many people go through similar situations. I guess, some reassurance either way would just be nice.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I don't see kids mentioned, so that takes one large factor out of any relationship.

You asked whether you should move on or try to make it work... I think it might be best to kind of do both.

Go ahead and start as if you would be moving on with your life. With no kids and what appears to be no home, etc. to fight over, you are in a position to do something like this. It may give both of you the answer that you are looking for. 

Get an apartment, save your money, do whatever you think you need to do. If you are open to coming back, then stay in touch and keep the communication lines open. But don't put everything else on hold while you do. You will be able to get a glimpse of the other side, being by yourself. It could be very enlightening to you... one way or the other.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Anon654 said:


> Also, I didn't even call her yesterday, so she knew I didn't care. She said that when she tells me not to call her, that's when she needs me to do it the most. Yes, she's told me that before, but how many times have I gotten in trouble for not doing what she says?


i used to do this to my H all the time. i would tell him to leave me alone, not to call me, and then id get so pissed off when he didnt. 

you have to tell her that you are going to do what she asks you, and she needs to learn to ask for what she really wants. its not your fault that she gets upset for doing what she asked you to do. you're not a mind reader. she needs to figure out what she wants, stop playing games, and let you know.


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## Anon654 (Oct 2, 2008)

GPR said:


> I don't see kids mentioned, so that takes one large factor out of any relationship.
> 
> You asked whether you should move on or try to make it work... I think it might be best to kind of do both.
> 
> ...


No kids, just a dog and 3 cats, which are with me. She can't take care of them, so they had to come with me. 

No house, really nothing of value to deal with.

I've had the time to live on my own and become independent, so I know that I would be ok. 

After thinking about things, I have determined that there are some major things that should probably change in order for us to get back together. One of them being the animals. One cat, I had for about 1 1/2 years before meeting her. It would be tough to get rid of him, and the others, but I would be willing to do it if it meant that our lives together would be better. The dog is too big for her to deal with, so anytime I have to leave him with her to do something, she ends up aggravated and cranky. We've had him for 4 1/2 years now, so it's tough to even think about getting rid of him.

I wrote up some things that I would like to talk about and sent it to her, hoping that she'll call me after work to discuss it. For some reason, I don't think I really want to call it quits. However, I don't want to go back into the rut that things have been in for the past 4 years.

I think that what I presented to her would fix things to a degree, where we could actually get along. A brief rundown would be, adopt the pets to good homes (so we can spend more time together and not worry about them), make out a budget that we WILL stick to, allowing for savings and investments, and I will work less on my external business in return for her spending more time with me when I'm not working. As it is, if I take a couple hours away from working, I don't even spend it with her. I spend that time with her dad, while she is on her laptop.

I don't know what she thinks will help things, but I feel that those 3 steps would be vital for us to even consider making it.


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## Anon654 (Oct 2, 2008)

Well, it sounds like the choice has been made for me. Because of the sheer hatred that she has toward my brother's fiance, she was about 99% of the way ready to follow through with it. This is because I talked to her (the fiance) and didn't tell her that she was a big part of the reason for the divorce.

**sidebar**
Not that I ever did anything with the fiance, or expressed any interest toward her, but the fact that I was nice to her instead of however else I was supposed to act is what always caused the problems.
**end sidebar**

Well, the fiance text messaged me this morning after I talked to my brother last night and said crap like "Good job, you'll heal in time", basically saying "Good Riddance". I had made up my mind after not being able to sleep well that I was going to try and work things out today, and just deleted those messages. 

Long story short, because SHE sent the text messages, my wife lost whatever respect she still had for me and it tipped her over the edge. All feelings are gone, and she's done. Even claims that I've hurt her more than the physical abuse she suffered in marriage #1. 

I just don't understand what it's like to allow one external person to influence your life so much that it breaks up your marriage.

I guess that problem's solved, so let's ask another question that really needs an answer.

My brother (with the fiance that caused our problems) needs some help. The fiance is bipolar, and can flip out in a second. What trips her off? Well, it could be anything, but a big factor is family gatherings where things are positive and people are happy. There are other things, but I don't know them.

Now, my brother did have sex with somebody outside of the relationship, and this is a major trigger to the episodes (aka fights). I don't know how long it's been since then, maybe 8 months or so? She still brings it up at least every other day and tries to ask for more details. For some reason, she thinks that she needs more details about stuff. She still won't let him touch her, even to hold her hand. The biggest problem here is a 7 - 8 month old baby. I know the infidelity was before the birth, but no idea how long. Anyway, she asks and he quits talking about it, knowing that it won't lead to anything good. Once so far, she has physically assaulted him, leaving very nice bruises. Then, last night, she did it again, going so far as to add scratching and biting to the list. He refuses to call the cops on her, because he loves her so much. She did spend a night in jail for the earlier assault, because somehow they ended up talking to a police officer and she made mention of the bruises and how she hit him. Ended up reporting herself, for some odd reason, guess she didn't realize it would happen.

Anyway, she refuses to get help, although they're going to counseling. She has been diagnosed years before as being bipolar, and it runs in her family. 

My brother's a great guy who has really changed his act in the last few years. He has straightened up and is doing everything he can, and in any of the assaults, hasn't touched her. He doesn't want to leave, and I don't know what can be done to get him to take action. Maybe my divorce will help him be stronger, but I don't know. If anything good can come from my situation, I would like that to be it.

What can I/we do as his family to help him? He has my support and my parents' full support, and logically, he knows what to do. Emotionally, he's still so attached that he lets her treat him like this.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Uh, wow...

First, no outside person should have that kind of an effect on your relationship. My wife gets the same way about other people sometimes. She would get really upset if I was simply cordial with people she didn't like. She's not as bad as she was, but she will still do it. Honestly, all I do is tell her that I have to be cordial to people when necessary. I do it all day long to people I don't like... she seems to understand, but will still slip up on occasion.

As far as the situation with your Bro, I don't know what to tell you there. Eventually, he's going to have to decide how much he loves her and if he can stand to be with her any more. 

And this sounds kind of twisted, but I WOULD start reporting the abuse... at least documenting it, with a diary and pictures. Say they end up splitting... if your Bros Fiance has that many problems, will he really want the kid to stay with her full time? Imagine what she might do to the baby as he/she grows older if she's capable of doing that to him???? 

Just sayin...


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## Anon654 (Oct 2, 2008)

Exactly right, I was thinking that an "anonymous" neighbor needs to call it in the next time my mom and dad are rushing out to make sure things are ok.


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