# 2nd time-still sucks



## Smackdown

I am new here so I'll give you some back ground.
My wife of 19 years got addicted to FV and FB. She met a guy from HS and went to California to have sex w/ him. She came home and was busted in 4 days. For 4 weeks after she kept him as a friend and played games w/ him (his picture was on the computer all the time) I was out raged all the time, our children saw her actions as bad, they were crushed. I was no angel. The night I caught her talking about sex w/ him (chat) and my daughter was standing right behind her I went ballistic- I wanted her OUT and that night. She begged to stay and said she would change.
We started MC and she was forced to quit FB and the games, she lied for another 4mo about the games but he was gone. (@ one point she told me she had to keep him b/c he gave her 1000 points-the reason for sex this made her a ***** and I told her) So after 6mo she was done w/ her addiction and affair but we quit MC, she told me she was better and could make things all better, I believed her.
Over the next 4 mo she did nothing, no calls to me, no reassurance, no building trust. 4 weeks ago I had a bad day, I asked her to reassure me, she gave me 30seconds and walked out. An hr later she asked why she couldn't see her BF. (I forgot to tell you about the BF she was checking out weeks after she returned from Calif) I now knew she wasn't on the same page as me, she was truly off her rocker!! I push for another round of MC. This entire time she has never saw my pain, she only sees her pain.
We start MC and week 1 is paper work followed by her bashing me. Week 2 is family history. Week 3 she bashes me some more and I force to finish her family history (filled w/ cheaters, drunks, and mental illness). The rest of the time we spend answering questions about crap, nothing about the affair or her addiction.
Am I like a bull in a china shop? Am I asking for too much?
I am on the 180 plan, and am getting ready to move on-w/o her!! This is some stupid crap!!
We have 4 children, I love them dearly, I will die w/o them but I can't stay here!
I am looking for someone to tell me this is strategy on the MC's part, or @ least to hear this isn't a waste of time.
Thank you in advance-
Smackdown


----------



## Bigwayneo

In all honesty, I don't know the whole story, but it seems she needs all the counseling. She is married, 4 kids, and wants boyfriends? is that what I am getting at with this?


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

you shouldn't leave (if it comes to this)---she should.


----------



## Smackdown

OK I will explain about the BF. My wife got caught cheating w/ a man 1500 miles away. After we got rid of him I find text messages she received from this guy 63yrs old, my wife is 41. His wife is my wife's friend, they all are in a National support group for XXXXXXkids. My wife and him play FV all the time, he "pokes" her in the morning, noon and night, just isn't right. Here are some of the text.
1) Wanna get poked?
2) not in the mood today?
3) how 'bout on the floor if we had a rug.
4) I was thinking hot tub, silk sheets, and candles.
There were many more but these are the ones I remember, they were often repeated. She sent so many text to this guy she had to "UP" her text plan. There is one long one where she has escaped his grasp and he is pissed!
Now I meet the guy @ a bowling thing for this special group and confront him, my kids are there and I ask him point blank- what are you thinking? These kids know you and you are breaking up their happy home, what kind of a man are you? Does your wife know? He walks away in tears. He returns and tells me some information about when my wife started having problems and how to handle the man giving the drugs out, yes a real DR! 
Now it has been 3mo since she's gone to a meeting and she misses her friends and him, she mentioned him by name. I am not willing to let her have contact w/ him-ever!
If anything did ever happen she's not saying and I don't trust her @ all.
SD


----------



## Chris Taylor

Smackdown said:


> I am new here so I'll give you some back ground.
> My wife of 19 years got addicted to FV and FB. She met a guy from HS and went to California to have sex w/ him. She came home and was busted in 4 days. For 4 weeks after she kept him as a friend and played games w/ him (his picture was on the computer all the time) I was out raged all the time, our children saw her actions as bad, they were crushed. I was no angel. The night I caught her talking about sex w/ him (chat) and my daughter was standing right behind her I went ballistic- I wanted her OUT and that night. She begged to stay and said she would change.
> We started MC and she was forced to quit FB and the games, she lied for another 4mo about the games but he was gone. (@ one point she told me she had to keep him b/c he gave her 1000 points-the reason for sex this made her a ***** and I told her) So after 6mo she was done w/ her addiction and affair but we quit MC, she told me she was better and could make things all better, I believed her.
> Over the next 4 mo she did nothing, no calls to me, no reassurance, no building trust. 4 weeks ago I had a bad day, I asked her to reassure me, she gave me 30seconds and walked out. An hr later she asked why she couldn't see her BF. (I forgot to tell you about the BF she was checking out weeks after she returned from Calif) I now knew she wasn't on the same page as me, she was truly off her rocker!! I push for another round of MC. This entire time she has never saw my pain, she only sees her pain.
> We start MC and week 1 is paper work followed by her bashing me. Week 2 is family history. Week 3 she bashes me some more and I force to finish her family history (filled w/ cheaters, drunks, and mental illness). The rest of the time we spend answering questions about crap, nothing about the affair or her addiction.
> Am I like a bull in a china shop? Am I asking for too much?
> I am on the 180 plan, and am getting ready to move on-w/o her!! This is some stupid crap!!
> We have 4 children, I love them dearly, I will die w/o them but I can't stay here!
> I am looking for someone to tell me this is strategy on the MC's part, or @ least to hear this isn't a waste of time.
> Thank you in advance-
> Smackdown


I'm not a MC, but that's not how it worked for my wife and I.

First session was family background for about 30 minutes. other background came out as we went along.

Our MC didn't allow bashing. She controlled the boundaries of the conversation and guided the discussion.

Important thing was that I got my issues on the table immediately and made sure they were addressed. If you don't like where the counseling is going, speak up. You're paying for a service, you should feel you are getting a benefit from it.


----------



## Smackdown

And that would be the problem, "how is it supposed to go? I have been told my wife needs to feel safe, she needs to know this is going to make her feel better. I know I can't just go in there and drag her thru the mud, she'll leave, I need her to have a level head and talk the truth.
Mouse


----------



## bs193

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm not a MC, but that's not how it worked for my wife and I.
> 
> First session was family background for about 30 minutes. other background came out as we went along.
> 
> *Our MC didn't allow bashing. She controlled the boundaries of the conversation and guided the discussion.*
> 
> Important thing was that I got my issues on the table immediately and made sure they were addressed. If you don't like where the counseling is going, speak up. You're paying for a service, you should feel you are getting a benefit from it.


BINGO! We have been in counseling for only a couple months but my undergraduate degree was in counseling and most of my co-workers are counselors so I do have some idea what role counselors are "suppose" to play. I have seen that there are many counselors out there that should be finding another profession. Counselors should not be taking sides, bashing either partner, telling either partner what they think they should do, or doing anything that creates an uncomfortable atmosphere for either partner. I am amazed at how many times I read on these forums that this type of behavior is occurring in counseling. These are not ethical practices and clients, as well as counselors, need to stop watching Dr. Phil and thinking that is what counseling is suppose to be. 

Personally, I would not be in counseling with anyone that does not have a PhD and minimum of 10 years experience but that is just me. Master level programs do not provide enough education for this type of work and I feel it takes about ten years before the counselor really knows, not only what they are doing, but if they should be doing it. Counselors can easily "fake it" for several years, causing irreversible damage to countless numbers of clients, before realizing this type of work isn't for them. Too many people out there went in to counseling because someone close to them told them they were good at giving advice and no one told them along the way that good counseling isn't about giving advice but enough with that rant.

I would tell her that it is common to go through several counselors before finding "the right fit". Let her know its ok to speak up if she feels like she is being picked on or sides are being taken, and that if either of you are uncomfortable, find another counselor. Only when you are both completely comfortable will either of you open up and share your feelings, and only then will true progress be made. Try not to use it as a forum to argue or throw accusations. Those behaviors only cause the other person to shut down and no progress will be made. It is important that you both walk in there willing to accept some level of responsibility for the problems in your marriage. Yes, she cheated, and no, it was not your fault. However, you need to take some responsibility for your marriage becoming vulnerable to the affair. Do not go in there laying blame or pointing fingers, and don't feel the counseling should revolve around only the affair. I am sure there were a lot more issues in the marriage leading up to it whether you realize it, or are willing to acknowledge it. The affair needs to be addressed and dealt with but don't be taken back if it isn't discussed right away. I also suggest not putting all your eggs in one basket. Counseling alone will not fix anything. You both need to put the work in outside of the sessions. Learn how to communicate again (arguing is not communicating btw). If you are relying on the counselor to fix your marriage, or worse, fix your spouse, your marriage will fail, and you will both have to take responsibility for that.

My suggestion would be to start reading books together and sharing what you learn. A couple books that worked well for us was "Getting Past The Affair" and "The Five Love Languages". The approach we took was working through Part One of "Getting Past The Affair" then moving on to the "Five Love Languages" before going into Part Two. I truly feel it would be detrimental to focus only on the affair and suggest you incorporate readings designed to improve your communication and overall relationship. Work on improving the foundation of your marriage as you deal with such a traumatic event as an affair. Another reading suggestion would be "The One Year Book Of Devotions For Couples". It is meant to read and discuss one devotion a day with your spouse. Even if you are not religious, and I am not, it creates a moment in the day to share positive things with each other. We have found it comforting to read the day's devotion after discussing the affair in order to end the discussion on a positive note.

Sorry for the long post. I can only hope some of it will be helpful.


----------



## L.M.COYL

bs193 said:


> BINGO! We have been in counseling for only a couple months but my undergraduate degree was in counseling and most of my co-workers are counselors so I do have some idea what role counselors are "suppose" to play. I have seen that there are many counselors out there that should be finding another profession. Counselors should not be taking sides, bashing either partner, telling either partner what they think they should do, or doing anything that creates an uncomfortable atmosphere for either partner. I am amazed at how many times I read on these forums that this type of behavior is occurring in counseling. These are not ethical practices and clients, as well as counselors, need to stop watching Dr. Phil and thinking that is what counseling is suppose to be.
> 
> Personally, I would not be in counseling with anyone that does not have a PhD and minimum of 10 years experience but that is just me. Master level programs do not provide enough education for this type of work and I feel it takes about ten years before the counselor really knows, not only what they are doing, but if they should be doing it. Counselors can easily "fake it" for several years, causing irreversible damage to countless numbers of clients, before realizing this type of work isn't for them. Too many people out there went in to counseling because someone close to them told them they were good at giving advice and no one told them along the way that good counseling isn't about giving advice but enough with that rant.
> 
> I would tell her that it is common to go through several counselors before finding "the right fit". Let her know its ok to speak up if she feels like she is being picked on or sides are being taken, and that if either of you are uncomfortable, find another counselor. Only when you are both completely comfortable will either of you open up and share your feelings, and only then will true progress be made. Try not to use it as a forum to argue or throw accusations. Those behaviors only cause the other person to shut down and no progress will be made. It is important that you both walk in there willing to accept some level of responsibility for the problems in your marriage. Yes, she cheated, and no, it was not your fault. However, you need to take some responsibility for your marriage becoming vulnerable to the affair. Do not go in there laying blame or pointing fingers, and don't feel the counseling should revolve around only the affair. I am sure there were a lot more issues in the marriage leading up to it whether you realize it, or are willing to acknowledge it. The affair needs to be addressed and dealt with but don't be taken back if it isn't discussed right away. I also suggest not putting all your eggs in one basket. Counseling alone will not fix anything. You both need to put the work in outside of the sessions. Learn how to communicate again (arguing is not communicating btw). If you are relying on the counselor to fix your marriage, or worse, fix your spouse, your marriage will fail, and you will both have to take responsibility for that.
> 
> My suggestion would be to start reading books together and sharing what you learn. A couple books that worked well for us was "Getting Past The Affair" and "The Five Love Languages". The approach we took was working through Part One of "Getting Past The Affair" then moving on to the "Five Love Languages" before going into Part Two. I truly feel it would be detrimental to focus only on the affair and suggest you incorporate readings designed to improve your communication and overall relationship. Work on improving the foundation of your marriage as you deal with such a traumatic event as an affair. Another reading suggestion would be "The One Year Book Of Devotions For Couples". It is meant to read and discuss one devotion a day with your spouse. Even if you are not religious, and I am not, it creates a moment in the day to share positive things with each other. We have found it comforting to read the day's devotion after discussing the affair in order to end the discussion on a positive note.
> 
> Sorry for the long post. I can only hope some of it will be helpful.


Some very, very strong observations and suggestions here which you would do well to follow. I especially like the bit about ensuring that your MC has a Phd and at LEAST 10 years of experience. If you are unhappy with MC then change to another; they are professionals and will understand. I fear that too many, as was mentioned, are underexperienced, undereducated and overblown. Personally, I would never consider an MC my age; I want someone who has lived through it, successfully if possible.


----------

