# Not sure what to do...



## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

I've been trying to deal with my marriage issues since February 2010. We've seen 5 different counselors...and nothing seems to be helping. I don't look at him the same way. I don't want him, I'm not attracted to him and I don't trust him. We have a just turned 1 yr old, 2 yr old and 5 yr old. I told him tonight that I don't want him touching me and I don't want him but I feel trapped with no way out because of the small children. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take back my children for the world, I love them with all my heart and put them before myself. So I think I thought that staying with him for them was how it had to be. I'm now thinking that my unhappiness will be seen by the children and I should be happy. I just don't know how to get out. 

I had a run in with a man...well he bought a piece of furniture from our house over a year ago. 3 months ago I ran into him and we chatted all night. We had a connection....he's married - I'm married. So, I never thought really anything of it because of that but I couldn't stop thinking about him. My friends tell me maybe it was because he was giving me attention... I don't know...I ran into him again last weekend and we connected again with great conversation...we chatted on the computer for a week and that was it. Ended that because we're both married. 

I guess with feeling how I did for him makes me feel like how it should be. That is what I need and how I want to feel. 

I'll briefly describe what my husband was doing. He was watching a ton of porn - getting off every morning and every night. Said it helped him sleep at night and he needed to in the morning. He would take pictures of woman wherever he went. Collecting them in separate folders on the computer. Example - Wal Mart - all of the woman he took pictures of in the Wal Mart parking lot. Like 15 pictures of the same woman pushing a shopping cart - close ups of different body parts. These folders went on and on... He also had his picture on some dating site and the description said that he was married and everyone could look but not touch. He had thousands of womans photos from this dating site saved in a certain folder. Thousands and thousands of pictures of woman. Even one that he took himself of a girl with whip cream on her tits that he says he never slept with and was before we were married. What man doesn't sleep with a girl that he put whip cream on her boobs? 

After he was caught I saved a bunch of the images on disk and gave them to an attorney friend. I deleted everything on the computer and wouldn't let him use the computer anymore. 

I just find him creepy...he creeps me out and I don't want to be with him. I'm a stay at home mom, we just moved into a new home and I don't even want to unpack... I asked him tonight if he'd rather be happy with someone who loved him and that he could be honest with. He just says he wants to try and find some way to change my feelings about him. He doesn't want get divorced or be apart. 

I'm lost with what to do and how to go about it. I'm not happy...I feel stuck - I wish I could just run away but I can't because of the kids. 

I don't know what I'm looking for here...maybe someone to talk to. The counselors couldn't fix anything and I gave up on them.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

That is creepy. It's like he's cheating on you with other women.

Would it be hard to separate? I mean so you can put your foot down on this and say it's either marriage or porn, you can't have both. Porn is seriously damaging to him, it destroys people. I know I keep recommending books on this site (oy) but there is a book called "Every Man's Battle" that help men recover from this addiction. It is an addiction and a powerful one. Pure evil.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Oh!! Just thought of a REALLY good movie to watch, either you or you and your husband. It's called "Fireproof". The husband in this movie has a problem with internet porn and the wife is starting to get attention from a male co-worker. It's so similiar to your situation and has some wonderful points.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You need to make sure that he understands how you feel. Its a little hard to tell from your post whats going on outside of the porn.

Something has to change. You won't be happy staying in the current situation. It might take you saying that there has to be change or counseling to work or you going to leave. 

A lot of men have VERY high sex drives and don't do what your husband is doing.


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## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

anx said:


> You need to make sure that he understands how you feel. Its a little hard to tell from your post whats going on outside of the porn.
> 
> Something has to change. You won't be happy staying in the current situation. It might take you saying that there has to be change or counseling to work or you going to leave.
> 
> A lot of men have VERY high sex drives and don't do what your husband is doing.


He understands how I feel. I had a complete breakdown just the other night...in complete tears telling him that I don't want to be with anymore. All he said was he wish he could change how I felt about him.

He has stopped on the computer at home and has done nothing or at least that I can see. He could be looking at stuff at work but who knows. He wants to try and do anything to save our marriage.

Our wedding anniversary was a couple days ago and all he got me was a card that says 'I love you'. I was thinking after all this...he should have at least bought me flowers or something else. I cried when I opened it...and I didn't do anything for him. Didn't want to - Didn't care to... It wasn't all that great before I found all this about him, this just topped the cake. 

He makes good money and we just bought a large house. I was thinking maybe he thought that by buying the big house it would make things better. It hasn't...and it's been 4 weeks and boxes still lay everywhere in the basement, no pictures hung. I just feel like I don't even want to decorate this house because I don't want to be my home. I just don't want to hurt the kids in all this. I know I'm done with him, it's just how do I get out. My kids are the most important thing to me...and I don't want them hurt by this and I know they will be. So that is why I say I am stuck. Do you I just keep living like this and ignore him while being unhappy forever so I don't upset my kids? Wrong, I know that is wrong... I'm just lost as what to do. I want everything to be easy and smooth.


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## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Oh!! Just thought of a REALLY good movie to watch, either you or you and your husband. It's called "Fireproof". The husband in this movie has a problem with internet porn and the wife is starting to get attention from a male co-worker. It's so similiar to your situation and has some wonderful points.


Thanks, I'll have to watch it.


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## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

Applepies said:


> That is creepy. It's like he's cheating on you with other women.
> 
> Would it be hard to separate? I mean so you can put your foot down on this and say it's either marriage or porn, you can't have both. Porn is seriously damaging to him, it destroys people. I know I keep recommending books on this site (oy) but there is a book called "Every Man's Battle" that help men recover from this addiction. It is an addiction and a powerful one. Pure evil.


Yes, it would be very hard to separate. I'm a stay at home mom...I make no money. He on the other hand does well in his job and supports us all but him supporting 2 separate families he could not do...and I don't want him to sell this house we just bought and have to move the kids again. I've thought it out...I could tell him he needs to help me move into a place and furnish it...I could look for a job and start working...but childcare for a 1yr and 2yr old is really expensive and that is why I stay home. I don't want to hate or fight with him. I think It's been so long since I've found this out about him...that I'm just like whatever. When I first found it out I almost packed the kids up and drove them 4 states away to stay with some friends. I was advised not to do this...but I almost did. I was scared he was going to kill me that I had found his deep dark secret. It was horrible, like I didn't even know who he was. He tells me he did it because he was bored and it was something to do. He has a very high IQ and one of the counselors told me that you find this kind of weird stuff with the highly intelligent ones. 

He's a good dad and we don't hate each other or fight in front of the kids. I just don't know how to go about this. I want it to be not hard on the kids at all.


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## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> that is way creepy, he could be charged and go to jail in some states. this is not an addiction it is gross and mostly a crime...how does he know the women are not under age, sometimes you never can tell, does he not care??
> 
> porn is one thing, picures is something else, its not cheating, that was his life before you. it was what he always wanted to do.
> 
> ...


Your response is how I felt when I first found out. He's not a mean or violent guy at all. He's a good father and holds a great job. He just has some f'd up weird thing going on. I've been told that something happened in his childhood that probably led to this behavior. 

I already saved some stuff before I deleted off the computer and gave the disks to a friend.

Ya, I thought about it...with all this I could probably fight for full custody. I think that what tear him apart and he's not a bad dad...or at least what I know of him.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

you either need to
1) leave him somehow.
or
2) Say that although you don't see that its possible now, that it might be possible for the marriage to work. Sleep in a different room, live somewhat separate, continue to care for the kids. Tell him it would take a COMPLETE change on his part. ZERO p0rn. 100% effort inside and outside of counseling. Tell him that you don't want to be touched by him at all for the time being. If you are up for giving him a chance, tell him what it would have to look like. Be clear on the rules. Be clear that you currently don't feel anything for him and you may never feel anything for him again. This would be VERY hard for both of you. If he fails, leave. If its not possible to give him a chance, leave.

Also, its probably not the counselors that couldn't fix anything. If he isn't putting 100% effort in, its not going to work.

No matter what, there isn't an easy way out of this.

At this point there isn't really much you can do. It up to him to do basically all the repair work if its going to happen.

I hope that helps. I'm not sure its right, but its the best that I can see from what you've said. Best of luck.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Ok, you are unhappy and it's going to increase if you don't address it. You don't have much feeling for your husband right now. You have little ones to consider.

Can you afford some counseling? Start figuring out things that can get you interested and feeling more joy?

Everyone feels an occasional lack of feeling for their spouse, that's normal. But it's grown into full time for you.

I would look in other directions, things that can round you out, get you excited and joyful. Taking good care of a house can bring a lot of satisfaction. Children are wonderful, when my daughter was littler, she was more entertaining that tv. I'm wondering if you are suffering from depression, maybe consider getting checked out by your doctor?


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## so_sad (Nov 23, 2010)

I was in a similar situation and according to my therapist, when you have a problem like this with porn and addiction you don't just stop. You either channel all of this into something else or you are hiding it.


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## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Ok, you are unhappy and it's going to increase if you don't address it. You don't have much feeling for your husband right now. You have little ones to consider.
> 
> Can you afford some counseling? Start figuring out things that can get you interested and feeling more joy?
> 
> ...


Wouldn't anyone be a little depressed after finding this all out? My baby was 2 months old when I found this...it was like a HUGE bomb went off. I think I'm actually handling myself very well. I don't like to be on medication and don't want that. I'm not crazy in any way and have a good head on my shoulders. I love my kids and they do make me happy. As for the house....if you were to put yourself in my shoes just moving into a new house and feeling all the things that I do. It's hard to put things away and try to make this feel like home If I don't want to be with my husband. 

Yes, we can afford counseling but we've seen 5 different ones and nothing has helped. I even saw a couple on my own and they pretty much just listen to everything you have to say and tell you that everything will be alright. Counseling does not help me. And when a male counselor tells my husband that he thinks it was 'cool' on what he was doing that was enough of counselors for me.


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## waterfall (Dec 3, 2010)

so_sad said:


> I was in a similar situation and according to my therapist, when you have a problem like this with porn and addiction you don't just stop. You either channel all of this into something else or you are hiding it.


I wonder what else he could be channeling it in? I could see him hiding it because he hid it from me well for years....but I don't allow him to use the computer anymore at home. That doesn't mean he's not looking at it at work but that would just be stupid.


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