# Difficult Brother in Law troubles...



## Cindi (Aug 27, 2010)

How does one deal with a mean, hateful and difficult brother in law (husband's older Brother) who constantly comes in between me and my husband for the past 26 years? Yes... I was warned by his own Mom and his 4 sisters. I was very young and naive then. When we first dated and was married...I never met his bro till the wedding. He lived far away at the time. Now he lives a few blocks from us for past 24 years. Bro in law puts me down and his wife down often. He bullies his sisters too. He can get my husband to do anything and I even think he bullies him in away. Especially, when my husband says no to something that Bro in law suggests....Bro in law will keep at him till husband says I will think about it or yes...then smiles at me as he conquered his quest. My husband just does not see this is happening! Bro in law is good at getting my husband wind up and brings out the worst in my husband to where he becomes belligerent and mean. He even knows how to push my buttons. I hate it. I can always tell if husband has been around his brother just by his attitude and meanness he displays after hanging out with Bro. I am not the only one who notices the difference in my husband's attitudes...our 4 kids do too...they our grown up now and they see it more. My husband idolizes his bro... Bro in law says jump...my husband says how high! When my husband is not around his brother, he is a very kind and gentle man. A loving husband and my best friend....best friend? so I thought. I always fall second place when it comes to my husband's brother. I feel for past 24-26 years now I have been competing not against another woman....but another man. They go out often together for coffee, breakfast, luncheons or day out exploring or fishing. Doing things I love to do too... that when I ask to do these things with my husband...my husband tells me he is too tired or no money to do that. But Bro suggests it....off they go! One of My problems I have is when Bro in law finds out a place that me and my husband wish to go too.... Usually out of state or foreign country for a vacation, he tries to get my husband to go with him instead and not take us wives. Bro in law wants to check out the night life and get drunk. And do things... he says they can not do it if wives are around. Of course I put my foot down. His wife nowadays just puts her head down and just gives in. She has told me if not for her religious beliefs she would have left him years ago. I do offer to do these trips as couples...Bro in law just laughs it off and says won't work. I just feel this would be inappropriate behavior for two married guys to go out and sow some oats. My husband says I am jealous and I tell him yes I am and it hurts the way I am being treated...and I should not have to feel jealous. There is tons of stuff I can not list all, that has happened in past 26 years that has made my life miserable and sometimes a living hell when it comes to my bro in law. I listen to my gut feelings and my Bro in law just sends up too many red flags. I do cherish the few times when Bro in law is not around and my husband is a better person. I just don't know how to deal with my Bro in law and my feelings of hurt. If you were to meet my bro in law the first time...heck two or more times... you would think he is a very nice charming guy.... but eventually you too would see how he really is. Me and my husband saw two counselors (Male and female) about ten years ago and both said that unless my husband puts his marriage and family first our marriage will eventually fail....that bro in law would destroy our marriage so long as husband allows it. I don't want it to fail.... My husband will not go back to counseling...mainly cause he is afraid they will tell him is idol may not be such a good guy to be around. Not to put him before your marriage.... I am hurting that I am in second place in my husband's heart. I almost think it is permanently etched in my husbands heart that away by now.... I could give more for instances... but I would never get to the end and stop typing... My heart just aches....What to do?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Cindy: There is no easy way forward.

You need to give your husband the one ultimatum, you or his brother. He married you you did not marry his brother. Protect yourself by noting all the instances you have issues with the brother in law. This is for you to have a factual reminder. 

Your husband needs to be told verbally and in writing. There is no room for a misunderstanding 

If nothing changes then move out or put up with this knowing it is going to destroy you and your marriage. 

Whatever you do your husband is going to be most unhappy. If he is well he can always live with his brother for the rest of his life.


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## Sixgunner (Mar 5, 2008)

Is your husband in college? What a chump.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Individual counseling might be a good idea for you. You need to gain confidence in the fact that you are not crazy thinking this relationship between brothers is inappropriate and bad for your marriage. The marriage counselors were right. Your husband can't keep placing his brother above his wife and expect to have a successful marriage. You should be the first priority in his life. Then his children. Then other relatives, including brother. 

The part about your husband saying you are jealous of his brother struck me. It seems like he sees your jealousy as a problem that you have. But, he should really be asking himself what he is doing that would cause you to be jealous. If he weren't neglecting you, you wouldn't feel that way. But he doesn't see it. Over 26 years he continues to ignore your wants and needs in favor of his brother. Why? Is it because brother is completely overbearing/husband can't tell him no, or because your husband really wants to do things with brother rather than you? Either way, husband is the problem because it's his marriage hurting because of his actions. 

If it were me, I'd say something like, I didn't marry you to spend my life alone, while you do all the things I would love to do with your brother. And from now on make plans for you and him to do these things. Don't allow yourself to be pushed aside while he is out there enjoying himself. If he insists on brother continuing to do everything, you might want to consider finding someone who values spending time with you and getting on with enjoying your life.


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## Cindi (Aug 27, 2010)

A couple of years ago... and off an on to this day...I did tell my husband if he loved his brother so much go live with him.... That I did not marry his brother I married him. H dose not like me saying that. H believes I married the whole family when I married to him. Yes, part of that is true.... but should I still have to compete for his affections....his time... his loyalty? Should I have to worry about trust issues? I even asked him why he would he even consider or do these things with his brother when I verbalized how much that hurts me and could destroy our marriage? That I would not do something if I knew it would hurt H. In fact I told H I would quit or not do it if H verbalized something he was not comfortable with me doing..... I tried to talk with him about how I feel with all the facts. That these things his brother does or say to me hurts me when H allows or goes along with it....I tried to talk with my H about these issues...but all H can say is that I am trying to keep him and his brother away from each other and I am just jealous and that they are best friends. That I would just have to trust him that if he goes out gets drunk in another state or country and is approached by a beautiful woman he would not cheat. I Just can not trust that scenario. I admit I am jealous... I wish I did not have to feel this way. I don't try to keep them apart, they get plenty of their bonding time.... but why can't we do couple time with his brother and wife if they want to do long distance trips? That is why my red flag goes up. My husband told me this weekend, that his brother is most important person in his life and his best/only friend he can talk to and does not want me to keep him apart. I said I don't mean to keep apart. Just do things that won't hurt the both of us in the end. I should not feel that my husband priority is more with his brother than with his wife. When his bro is not wrecking havoc with us... me and my H do talk a lot and feel close and connected that we feel we are best friends. In fact marriage is great! I always considered my H as my best friend above all others. I do not have any siblings.... my Bro died years ago. Maybe I just don't understand this. I think I would feel better about this particular male bonding if it weren't for some of the mean things that are said by his Bro's agenda. His brother is not happy in his marriage and that he is dragging us down with him. Brother in Law can not stand to see anyone happy. 

The latest incident was this past week. H took a Friday off we had planned to go see his Father. He lives far away in a home. I love my FIL and miss him now he is far away. Bro in law comes over stated he saw their father earlier this week. I said I miss him how is he doing and want to go see him. Bro in law looked at my H and said "How about you and me go have breakfast, pick up Dad take him to the local bar have a couple of cold ones tomorrow"" He asked if that be ok with me...I said that was fine when do we leave? Bro in law said your not included just me and your H. My H said no I plan taking Cindi with me later today to see dad. Bro in law said ok how about breakfast me and you then you can take your wife to see dad. H said ok. Next day..... They left at 7AM came back late afternoon. H said... him and his Bro decided to go see my FIL without me. My Bro in law has such a power over my H. My H does not understand why I felt hurt by this latest action. No H did not take me to see my FIL. My car is not running for me to take myself. It just hurts my heart these small things that seem to just add up. No H not in college. I am 47 and he is 52. I married from the nest to him. He lived a bachelor life till 26 years old. So he had his male bonding time/partying long before our marriage. I just need some tips to handle my Bro in law. I have tried leaving the room when he comes over. Tried staying and standing up for our marriage only to be told by my husband to quite down and then take his Bro's side. TIPS????


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Shock treatment.. move out, look after yourself. Talk is cheap your actions will speak volumes.


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## Cindi (Aug 27, 2010)

This is a stupid question I know... But if I move out I will loose everything. I have no job and car is not reliable. My H always tells me if I don't like it to move out anyway.Ultimatum I don't think will work with him? But I am not a guy would not know what I guy would do? I don't think it will help to move out at this point. Anyone have another good tip/option to try that would help me deal with Bro in law when he is around and says mean things? If not I guess I will just have to endure...


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

But if I move out I will loose everything. I have no job and car is not reliable. 

*If you send a Private Message to affaircare she can give some guidance on your legal rights. I understand depending on where you live and what state you are in you are entitled to receive a payment from your H for a period of time i.e. while you train for a job etc.. First choice is always to find a way to fix this but sometimes there are no other options.*

My H always tells me if I don't like it to move out anyway. ----- *Nasty Nasty Nasty *

Ultimatum I don't think will work with him? ---- *Initially not; this is why you need to be covered legally, thereafter it is amazing how an H can change when the lawyer gets involved and he is to loose 50% of all assets and pay you a monthly stipend*. 

But I am not a guy would not know what I guy would do? --- *Your H is arrogant and thinks he knows you. Thinks you will do nothing. *


I don't think it will help to move out at this point. – *Perhaps involving a strong third party who understands that it is demeaning for a person to be treated this way*


Anyone have another good tip/option to try that would help me deal with Bro in law when he is around and says mean things? – *I would like to say get your big brother to sort him out but… *

If not I guess I will just have to endure... *Please don’t, you deserve more in life. You are a woman, a wife and a person. No one deserves this kind of disrespect*


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