# I'm not "in love" anymore



## vthokie (Oct 24, 2011)

It has been a year since I found out that my husband was having an affair. I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't paying enough attention to him or fulfilling his emotional needs but I was pregnant, recovering from a mild-stroke, and grieving the loss of my grandmother. Even after I'd confronted the other woman he continued to deny the affair and lie in my face for a week. He finally admitted it but made it seem like she was the aggressor and he'd been the victim of a wanton woman. Anyway, I have genuinely forgiven him but I still have a difficult time trusting him. He wants me to be head over heels in love with him and crazy about him but I'm not . . . right now. He's a minister and counselor so he always tries to "counsel" me during conversations and blames me for our current martial purgatory - if only you were in love with me we'd be perfect! I still very much love him and I don't want to be w/o him but I'm very unhappy with where we are right now. Because he is a minister he spends A LOT of time away and with other women. I should also mention that he's in the military and suffers from PTSD. This makes him very confrontational (not physically abusive though) sometimes. I've a very passive person by nature so a lot of times I completely shut down from his verbal assaults. He refuses to go to counseling because he thinks it won't help and because he's afraid it could get back to the church. What am I supposed to do? I have two young children (4 yo and 1 yo) and I'd really love for them to have a healthy happy family unit.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if he's blaming you then he's a horrible counselor

recovery from an affair takes 2-5 years IF it was done in a proper fashion which it doesnt like it has


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

vthokie said:


> It has been a year since I found out that my husband was having an affair. I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't paying enough attention to him or fulfilling his emotional needs but I was pregnant, recovering from a mild-stroke, and grieving the loss of my grandmother. Even after I'd confronted the other woman he continued to deny the affair and lie in my face for a week. He finally admitted it but made it seem like she was the aggressor and he'd been the victim of a wanton woman. Anyway, I have genuinely forgiven him but I still have a difficult time trusting him. He wants me to be head over heels in love with him and crazy about him but I'm not . . . right now. He's a minister and counselor so he always tries to "counsel" me during conversations and blames me for our current martial purgatory - if only you were in love with me we'd be perfect! I still very much love him and I don't want to be w/o him but I'm very unhappy with where we are right now. Because he is a minister he spends A LOT of time away and with other women. I should also mention that he's in the military and suffers from PTSD. This makes him very confrontational (not physically abusive though) sometimes. I've a very passive person by nature so a lot of times I completely shut down from his verbal assaults. He refuses to go to counseling because he thinks it won't help and because he's afraid it could get back to the church. *What am I supposed to do?* I have two young children (4 yo and 1 yo) and I'd really love for them to have a healthy happy family unit.


I'd tell him I can't give him what he wants. If forgiveness isn't enough, then you can't make him happy. Right now that's all you have... he had an affair, he lied to you and now he wants you to carry on like it never happened. If he wants things to go back to the way they were, then he needs to invest in a time machine and UNDO his deed.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

A counselor and minister?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A counselor, a minister, and a lying cheat.
This guy is a complete hypocrite isn't he. Oh, and instead of atoning for his cheating, he demands you be a more lovng wife.

I'll be straight here. Most men aren't like this guy. He sounds like a thug who has no morals. He obviously thinks he does, but his actions show clearly he is lacking the core of a good man.

A minister who cheats, is no minister. They are just saying words they themselves neither understand nor believe.

I'd divorce him before any more women "force" him to cheat again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vthokie (Oct 24, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'd tell him I can't give him what he wants. If forgiveness isn't enough, then you can't make him happy. Right now that's all you have... he had an affair, he lied to you and now he wants you to carry on like it never happened. If he wants things to go back to the way they were, then he needs to invest in a time machine and UNDO his deed.


He says that forgiveness is enough but then says that he's not going to spend the rest of his life feeling bad about a moment of weakness. He also feels like there's nothing he can do to "make" me trust him or be "in love" with him again . . . I disagree though. I feel like he should be kissing the ground that I walk on for allowing him to still exist in the lives of his children and not getting him kicked out of the military and the church! I know I shouldn't feel that way but . . .


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

vthokie said:


> He says that forgiveness is enough but then says that he's not going to spend the rest of his life feeling bad about a moment of weakness. He also feels like there's nothing he can do to "make" me trust him or be "in love" with him again . . . I disagree though. I feel like he should be kissing the ground that I walk on for allowing him to still exist in the lives of his children and not getting him kicked out of the military and the church! I know I shouldn't feel that way but . . .


I understand how you feel. Where's the groveling?!! 

Well all jokes aside though, what have you asked him to do? He thinks he's doing all he can to assure you and rebuild trust, but obviously that's not the case. You have to tell him what you expect from him, because he's just not getting it. He's assuming that you're taking him back is enough for you when it isn't.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

vthokie said:


> Anyway, I have genuinely forgiven him but I still have a difficult time trusting him. He wants me to be head over heels in love with him and crazy about him but I'm not . . . right now.


I don't know how your communication with him but next time he brings that up you have to tell him that it's unrealistic to expect that out of you so quickly. Personally, I am in a possible situation and if there is anything that actually happened, I don't know if I could forgive my spouse.


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