# What the heck is going on



## country (Jun 28, 2012)

So my husband and I are newlyweds, we got married last October, and slowly approaching our one year anniversary. I thought the first year of marriage was suppose to be the best? Guess not in my life.

Once we got married holy hell broke loose apparently. I found him talking to his ex through yahoo chat, and email and text message because SHE emailed me on facebook and told me all the details, even sent me the chat conversations, and emails, and described text messages to me, I confronted him, and he eventually gave in once I said I had the proof in my email. We eventually got his phone number changed and the woman told me she was done with him, and all his lies, etc. And now currently this last weekend we had his class reunion to attend, and we went to it. Within the first 10 minutes of being there had a woman walk up to me, and say I'm glad I finally got to meet you after seeing your pictures on facebook all the time. She proceeds to tell me that the only reason she came to the reunion was to see my husband, and because they had been talking on facebook for the last couple of months talking about meeting up at the reunion...really....WTF.....later that night while talking to a friend of my husband he keeps telling me what this woman said about that the reason she left so early was because I came with my husband, and she was hoping to make things happen between him and her that night but I ruined that...REALLY he's my husband!!

Now just the other day he asked me to clean his truck out because we needed it to haul the boat and and it was a complete disaster. I did so, and while cleaning it found a sappy love card ( nothing written in it and no envelope) and I also found like an engagement ring/wedding band soldered together that doesn't fit my finger, and sure as hell isn't any better than my ring.

He continues to hide his phone, facebook, text messages etc, and usually has been keeping it on silent or vibrate so that I won't "hear" it go off. Now i work 3rd shift, and on the nights i'm home and we are laying in bed I still hear his phone going off at times I would normally be at work....

WTF I am so frustrated right now and I am going to confront him tonight on all of these new issues. I really just needed a place to vent that isn't to someone we both know....sometimes strangers have the best insight on things


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. When you confront him he is going to tell you only what he thinks he has to. Make sure you have your proof.

I know he has his cell phone in his grip but have you checked the records. New numbers being called, is the number of texts messages up? strange hours?


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

Yes there are new numbers being texted....I can't get access to what the text say thought because he deletes them before he gets home from work so I can't see them, and they are at strange hours...a lot of them after I leave for work even on his facebook if I get access to that he deletes those messages too before he gets home or sometime because it always shows 0 messages in there


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good grief! How old is he? 14?


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Good grief! How old is he? 14?


Sadly no he's 33


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I'd say you need to get in his facebook and leave it up. You need to hack his account which is easily done. That will create a scenario where he can't access the profile. Get into the email account that is linked to the FB account. You could say you had an email sent to the wrong account. If he won't give you the password tell him to login and find it. "send a bs email to his account about something you need to remember." Once he logs in gets you the info wait for him to walk away. Then go back to the same computer he used to access the email and go to the email provider site. If he did not specifically log you you will still be able to access his email account. If there is nothing in the inbox go to the sent folder.

Then go to facebook in another tab or browser enter his email address and click on I forgot my password. Then have FB send an email to reset the password. 
Once the email shows up in his email account click on the reset password link. MAke your password and voila you can access his FB and he is cut off. Then you will want to change his email password. Effectively cutting him off from FB and Email. So you will be able to see without interference his FB messages and email messages. 
Then when his OW contacts him you can pretend to be him and see what is really up. 

ANother thing you can do is to leave his account alone and just simply turn on the cell phone forwarding. Where FB sends fb messages to your phone so you can snoop that way. 
It will got to the email account then you can reset the password. just make sure you change the security questions as well. 
Then you will have access and can see who is messaging him during the time it takes him to figure out his account has been hacked.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's time for a serious talk with hubby.He needs to understand that while you started out trusting him, all these things are eroding away at that trust.it's time for FULL DISCLOSURE and full access to all his little private items. 

Don't accept anything less than full disclosure and full access to his "other" life. 

Sounds like he needs the admiration and desire of many women to feed his ego.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

country said:


> Sadly no he's 33


Good God! Old enough to know better, then.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Get a keylogger first and then buy a couple VAR's and secure one to the bottom of the driving seat of his car


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

First year is usually the hardest, but not like this.

He's either just a flirt, or a cheater.

Either way, it's no good.


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sounds like he needs the admiration and desire of many women to feed his ego.


This was my thought exactly, I didn't want to say anything but it was exactly what was in my head...that he needed that extra attention from other women when I'm not around.


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

See the only problem with keylogger is 99% of the time he's uses facebook or his email it's on his phone...he hardly ever touches the computer anymore


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

country said:


> This was my thought exactly, I didn't want to say anything but it was exactly what was in my head...that he needed that extra attention from other women when I'm not around.


which as you know leads to bigger things. think of a crack addict. "just a lil bump to get me through the day..." turns into "kill my mom for another bump."

he'll grow bored with verbal flirtation and admiration from these women.unless this is fixed i bet this need for attention and ego boosts will turn into an affair or multiple affairs.
sounds like he already has had emotional affairs with a few people...which is my mind is worse than just f**king them and moving on.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> First year is usually the hardest, but not like this.
> 
> He's either just a flirt, or a cheater.
> 
> Either way, it's no good.


I'll take the second option, flirts don't usually have their mobile phones surgically attached to their hands


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He failed the marriage test. He has no boundaires, smells to serial cheater. I do believe he won't stop, ever. It will only escalate. You can't tolerate it, you deserves better. But I understand that being newly married maybe you want to give him a last shot before throw in the towel. I only suggest you to be firm and decisive, no matter how much it hurts. Test him, before to invest more in this marriage. And he if fails - as I suspect - you file for divorce and move on, heal from this and pick a man who really deserves you.

Keep reading here if you want to get a look into the future.
Go low key and display all the snooping tools you can. Get all the hard evidence you can. Then talk to a lawyer and prepare an exit plan. Then confront him. He will lie for a while. You already has written your demands, your boundaries, your dealbreakers (NC contact letters, total transparency, full disclosure, IC, MC...). Then speak the law. His reaction will be very tellin, the future will be there for you to see it, if you really need more evidence.

ETA
I suspect if you reach out former wives and GFs (yes, including obviously the ex you are talking about who appears to be lied to nad the HS reunion OW) you will learn it's no more *who he is *rather than something *he did*. He's telling you who he is, believe him.


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> I'll take the second option, flirts don't usually have their mobile phones surgically attached to their hands


OMG that's exactly what I tell people, and no one believes me, the dang phone never leaves his side....or his pocket....gosh forbid he leaves it on the table or something when he goes to the bathroom or takes a shower that would never happen it'd be in there with him EVERYTIME


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, the phone thing is weird.

He's cheating.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I agree w/that girl. As a gal who has been cheated on by EVERY guy i've ever been with,exception being my current boyfriend,NOBODY has their phone surgically attached to them unless they're cheating or hiding things.

Time to look into getting a voice recorder to hide in his car


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

country said:


> Now just the other day he asked me to clean his truck out because we needed it to haul the boat and and it was a complete disaster. I did so, and while cleaning it found a sappy love card ( nothing written in it and no envelope) and I also found like an engagement ring/wedding band soldered together that doesn't fit my finger, and sure as hell isn't any better than my ring.


Did he say anything about the ring??


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Did he say anything about the ring??


I have not brought that up yet, I have that hidden away right now along with the card until I do bring it up


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

OP, go dark on him

1) Install a keylogger onto your comp
2) VAR's in the car
3) If his phone is an iphone sync it to the comp thus and you will be able to recover deleted texts
Step1. Select the device to scan
After installing and running the program, you'll get the window as follow. All the backup files for your iPhone or other iDevices are listed. You only need to select the one from which you deleted text messages, and continue to "Scan" the content.









Step2. Recover deleted SMS from iPhone
When the scan finishes, all the content contained in the backup file will be extracted and displayed in categories as Photos & Videos, Contacts, Messages, Call History and Notes. You can preview the detailed content of any of them before you perform the SMS recovery for iPhone.
To recover deleted SMS from iPhone, you only need to check the "Messages" option and hit the "Recover" to save all the messages on your Mac.










Step3. Do backup well
To avoid losing your important SMS messages, immediate backup is very important and useful. Do remember to backup them on your computer well.


4) if its not an iphone, use a cell spyware

5) gps on the car


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's time for a serious talk with hubby.He needs to understand that while you started out trusting him, all these things are eroding away at that trust.it's time for FULL DISCLOSURE and full access to all his little private items.
> 
> Don't accept anything less than full disclosure and full access to his "other" life.
> 
> Sounds like he needs the admiration and desire of many women to feed his ego.


Trouble with people like him is, you'll never know if you're getting full disclosure. Since it sounds as though you aren't ready to bail on him just yet, give him an ultimatum.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if you discover love letters, texts, e-mails, receipts, anything... that you are directing your attorney to begin proceedings with the court. Pick out an attorney NOW and begin to get your ducks in a row.

Guys like your husband rarely get better, they just learn to conceal the details better.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Sounds like he needs the admiration and desire of many women to feed his ego.



If this is the case, without serious help from an IC for him to work on his boundary issues, your marriage may be a lost cause. 

I say this b/c the ego thing is something deep, deep inside him. He may be able to change and stay faithful for a year, 5years, 10 years....but since that ego driven attention seeking behavior is so deep rooted in him, it will surface again. 

I am learning that the hard way. After 8 years of marriage, an EA/PA and the start of another EA I see my H will never change without serious professional help. He is so broken that he needs the attention from outside women to feel any self worth or value. It doesn't matter how much compliments/attention/sex/love/affection I give him, he doesn't feel validated from me. He feels validated from other women.

You need to verify if he is indeed cheating on you (and it definately sounds like he is). But you also need to have a plan in your head to put in place if he is indeed cheating on you...what are you going to do? Work on reconciling? Divorce him? Seperate? And then you need to come up with boundaries you expect for each senario. 

If you do not do this, you will be pulled into the cheater's script of blameshifting, gas lighting and rug sweeping and belive him when he says he didn't do anything wrong and it was your fault.


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## country (Jun 28, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> You need to verify if he is indeed cheating on you (and it definately sounds like he is). But you also need to have a plan in your head to put in place if he is indeed cheating on you...what are you going to do? Work on reconciling? Divorce him? Seperate? And then you need to come up with boundaries you expect for each senario.
> 
> If you do not do this, you will be pulled into the cheater's script of blameshifting, gas lighting and rug sweeping and belive him when he says he didn't do anything wrong and it was your fault.


I know I need to validate it but without spending a ton of money to do so it's going to hard....I think....I have already begun thinking about what I'm going to do and trying to figure out what's best for me and what I want to do.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

country said:


> I also found like an engagement ring/wedding band soldered together that doesn't fit my finger, and sure as hell isn't any better than my ring.


I'd hope that a soldered ring would be worse than the ring he gave you but regardless of relative value it's rather odd that something like that would be just sitting there in his truck.

Who solders rings together anyway?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Look up your state's laws on annulments.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

kindi said:


> Who solders rings together anyway?


Married people who attach their band to the engagement ring so it doens't twist around on the finger all the time.....


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

^I never knew that!

Anyway why is there a wedding ring/engagement ring sitting in his truck?

That question definitely needs to be answered.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm wondering why he'd ask you to clean his truck if he was aware he had a little secret stash in there??
maybe he wants to get caught?cry for help? maybe?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

I'd sit him down, get his complete attention and then unroll your fingers to expose the soldered ring and say "what's this about?".

Be prepared with detailed questions, including 'when did he get it", "where did he get it", when did he get it soldered.. etc. 

Things you can easily check up on for.. um.. "accuracy".


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He sounds like an empty soul in search of validation.

It's telling that he strung his ex along. She obviously can't be trusted to tell you the truth, but she likely has some interesting stories to tell.

You need to get at his phone--create an online account for the number and print off every bill they have. And/or sneak it at night, but he probably sleeps with it under his pillow like mine did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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