# How long to wait for proposal. Ten years



## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Question for the men's and women!!!

Men- if it has been years (over three)and you still have not proposed. Why?

Women- how long will u date with out a proposal ??

Side question:: Prior to marriage is it best to live together or not!?!


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

18 months from first date. I will definitely be encouraging my daughter to live with her intended before marriage. A big regret on my part was not doing so.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I could not wait too long. When I proposed, NO, was not an option for her. I do not like Belgian Waffles. I am a poor loser when my heart is smitten. Once my mind is made up, it could be a suicide mission; I would still drive on. Luck is my distant shadow. Never gets close, never leaves [me].

When my train started to pull from the station, it took the tracks with it. No going back.

No going back and no side tracks ahead.

Living together? I recommend it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How old are the people dating. If they are in their 20's then longer. 2 years seems fair, but I don't think people should be married until they are established adults at least for a while.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Let's say they are older in their 40's!!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm divorced, 35yr m... dating 10 months, already looking at rings. I'll propose on our 1yr anniversary. If you don't know after a year, you don't know or aren't trying to know them. We won't buy a house and live together until we are married.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Guy in Colorado. You are a good man. Wish there were more who felt that way!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

fall222 said:


> Let's say they are older in their 40's!!


Ten years means he is not going to ask you to marry him. Sorry but he doesn't want to marry you in my opinion. 2 years seems reasonable, that is about how long I dated my wife. Mostly because I was trying to save up for a ring, and the first 5 months or so we were not serious. We also started to talk about it when the ILUs started to flow.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I waited 12 years. I wouldn't want to force someone to propose before their time or before they were ready. It breeds resentment to force someone to do something they are ready for.

Mind you, we lived with each other for those 12 years and are going on year 18.

Honestly, it's a piece of paper to me. Personal commitment doesn't require a ring or piece of paper.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Ten years means he is not going to ask you to marry him. Sorry but he doesn't want to marry you in my opinion. 2 years seems reasonable, that is about how long I dated my wife. Mostly because I was trying to save up for a ring, and the first 5 months or so we were not serious. We also started to talk about it when the ILUs started to flow.


I beg to differ. Then again depends on ones perception and personal ideals.

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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

12 years. So if u are sure u want to be with someone forever why not get married. ? What would hold u back and wait years especially if your partner wants to be married. Is it that you are unsure??


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

My h and I were in our 20s when we got married. We dated 4.5 years before getting married. 

At the 4 year mark, I sat him down and asked him what his plans were for the future. He told me he would marry me after he saved x amount of money and paid off his $70 k in student loans :/. I figured it was going to be a while before he got his sh!t together so I decided to accept a transfer working on a long term project in S. Beach Florida.

Interestingly, it only took 2 months of me living down there and him living up here for him to decide he wanted to get married. The change of heart may have been because distance made his heart grow fonder but I think it was the fact that I was loving the S. Beach lifestyle......but he was not, LOL. 

Today, in my 40s, if my goal was marriage, I wouldn't invest more than 2 years into a relationship without an engagement. I think by this age, people understand time is of essense and are mature enough to not waste their and other people's time. If they haven't reached this point of maturity, they probably aren't marriage material to begin with. 

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think men these days don't want to get married because if the high divorce rate and in the event of divorce, men are usually stripped of all their money. I can tell you for a fact, if I ever do get divorced one day, there's no way in hell I would ever re-marry, no matter how smitten I am. Marriage is for financial security of women, there really is no romance in it any more. 

As for living together before marriage, this almost always turns out to be a mistake. I would never recommend it.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Around the age 40, I'd say no more than 2 years. And yes, live together before marriage (but not right away into the dating).


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

fall222 said:


> 12 years. So if u are sure u want to be with someone forever why not get married. ? What would hold u back and wait years especially if your partner wants to be married. Is it that you are unsure??


I'm female by the way. We were already doing the 5 kids, living together, etc.

It was just a formality at that point for us. With 5 kids, they took priority financially first before a wedding or marriage license or marriage certificate. Officiant alone is 250 dollars minimum. At the time is was 175 for a marriage license. If we went justice of the peace, you still have to pay for that service (no idea how much a HP costs).

For us, just a formality. We were already filing as common law, and the government considered us married without the marriage certificate (due to those 5 bio kids between us and living together).

Canadian laws are pretty different when they regard marriage, common law and same sex marriage. We have better laws in my opinion.

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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Besides why do I have to get officially married to show a commitment to my partner?

Have I not already committed by giving birth to 5 children for him? Taking care of home and hearth? Stood by him in every up and down of those 12 years and beyond?

Why should society's view of the status quo and standards be thrust upon me if they are not my standards and views?

What works for one person may not work for another.

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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Every single couple I know where she gave him an ultimatum to get married or else are now divorced.

If you need a ring and you need him to propose for whatever reason, then you're with the wrong guy.

Personally, I'd rather not get married if I had it to do again. The expense, mainly. Who needs it? Also the time and headaches involved in planning a wedding. I would save my money and use it to go to Hawaii and do a private handfasting on the beach or something.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

fall222 said:


> Let's say they are older in their 40's!!


I'm in my 40's. I'd say 12 months in our age bracket. 18-36 months in the 20's. 12-18 months in the 30's. If there isn't an engagement before then, if both parties aren't sure after that much time, best to move on.

I am neutral on the living together issue.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

fall222 said:


> Question for the men's and women!!!
> 
> Men- if it has been years (over three)and you still have not proposed. Why?
> 
> ...


It's a personal perspective. You need to know your priorities and live according to that.


I didn't want or need to be married and he knew this. But I wanted to be with him. We met at 18, were living together by 19. Getting married became more of a priority to him and it was long after three years! We were that couple fully entwined and not married.

He proposed and I said yes. Married or not, us being together is what matters (to me, at least). We have been together nearly 22 years.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When my husband and I met I was 38 and he was 43. We dated for almost a year, then lived together for a year, got engaged and then married 5 months after that, so just over 2 years after we met we were married.

At one point while we were dating, my then boyfriend mentioned a timeline of about 5 years until engagement. I said no way, lol. I wasn't prepared to be a five year girlfriend, then live in lover. If I was good enough to live with, sleep with and help raise his daughter, put a ring on it buddy, lol. Then he said two years, hehehe.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I think people should wait at least 2 years before getting married. 2-4 years is ideal. More than 4, I would start wondering. 

First year together doesn't count. It's the honeymoon phase. One needs to see the worst in the person they're with first, and they need to know if the worst in that person is something they can live with and accept. In the first year, both people are on their best behavior.

And yeah I think living together prior to marriage is necessary. 

We moved in together at 18 months (first year was long distance). Got engaged around the 3 year mark and married at 3.5. We started talking about marriage in the first few months though. We took our time and I'm glad we did.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Neither of us think marriage is important, but commitment is. After a year of living together, she asked me if I'd be willing to get married if at some point we changed our minds about it. I said I would. Six years later, we did marry - mainly for pragmatic reasons, as the commitment had never wavered. And yes, I think living together is a smart thing to do, but I suggest you date at least a year before living together, and live together at least a year before discussing marriage. Living together reveals any serious problems before it's too late to split up. Sadly, some people still marry because of inertia, when - based on what they've learned - they should be running for the hills!


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## EmiSue04 (Jun 4, 2014)

It took 5 years for a proposal but in the beginning we had both just gotten out of bad relationships and decided to take things slow. After a year of dating we moved in together. 4 years later we got married. We had an 8 month old when we got married as well. We did everything backwards according to our families but who cares.. life is what it is. 

I never complained or hounded for a ring. I never technically got proposed to either. We had his parents over for dinner to tell them I was pregnant. We showed them the ring and I slipped it on to see what it would look like and he looked over at me and goes "So I guess that means you are going to marry me?" I said yes. Here we are. 10 years deep in the relationship. 5 years married and hopefully trying to keep this ship floating till we both leave this earth. Who knows. We shall see.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I think men these days don't want to get married because if the high divorce rate and in the event of divorce, men are usually stripped of all their money. I can tell you for a fact, if I ever do get divorced one day, there's no way in hell I would ever re-marry, no matter how smitten I am. Marriage is for financial security of women, there really is no romance in it any more.
> 
> As for living together before marriage, this almost always turns out to be a mistake. I would never recommend it.


Why not find a woman who already has financial security and simply wants company?

They are out there.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

It took me 5 years to propose. I for one wasn't completely sure about the concept of marriage and second I was getting pressure from her and her mother. The pressure was mostly the reason.

One day she came to me and out of the blue and said that she wanted to be with me regardless of marriage and the pressure stopped. I proposed about 5 months after that.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why not find a woman who already has financial security and simply wants company?
> 
> They are out there.


If I ever get divorced, that's precisely what I plan to do. There will be an understanding from the beginning no matter how long term the relationship is there will be no marriage.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Grapes said:


> It took me 5 years to propose. I for one wasn't completely sure about the concept of marriage and second I was getting pressure from her and her mother. The pressure was mostly the reason.
> 
> One day she came to me and out of the blue and said that she wanted to be with me regardless of marriage and the pressure stopped. I proposed about 5 months after that.


That goes for a bunch of other things to, once you take the pressure off someone, they are much more likely to respond positively. I'm curious about what you were unsure about in regard to the concept of marriage and how you addressed it.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> That goes for a bunch of other things to, once you take the pressure off someone, they are much more likely to respond positively. I'm curious about what you were unsure about in regard to the concept of marriage and how you addressed it.


Concept meaning a piece of paper that's supposed to be some kind of proof of something. At the time I knew I wanted her and only her and didn't need paper to prove to anyone that fact. Add on top the pressure Which made me wonder if she wanted me or a wedding. I was mid 20s and maybe a little naive. 

Guess I never resolved it. Never talked to her about it. 

When the pressure stopped I knew what I wanted to do.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

My thought is that if u want to be with someone forever and you want to commit. There are no legitimate reasons for not actually tying the knot after a year or two. UNLESS the person not wanting to get married does truly not want to commit and they are not sure. If that's the case why keep someone who does want to commit to marriage hanging on ???? Seems pointless if you want different things. ?!? A year or two is plenty of time in my option then it's time to $hit or get off the pot so to speak.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

CantePe said:


> Canadian laws are pretty different when they regard marriage, common law and same sex marriage. We have better laws in my opinion.


I could Google it, but I'll ask instead... :smile2:

Does each province has their own independent laws like the US individual states or do you have one set of laws for all?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

fall222 said:


> Men- if it has been years (over three)and you still have not proposed. Why?


Because I did it once, the divorce was messy and expensive and I've since realized marriage is a complete waste, it's an outdated meaningless concept that legally ties people into relationships that turn bad more often than not. 

If you're going to get married regardless of the very poor risk vs benefit ratio, definitely live together first and have plenty of sex to be sure you're compatible.



GuyInColorado said:


> I'm divorced, 35yr m... dating 10 months, already looking at rings. I'll propose on our 1yr anniversary. If you don't know after a year, you don't know or aren't trying to know them. We won't buy a house and live together until we are married.


Divorce attorneys love guys like you. They know they can always count on the repeat business.



fall222 said:


> 12 years. So if u are sure u want to be with someone forever why not get married. ? What would hold u back and wait years especially if your partner wants to be married. Is it that you are unsure??


Because people change into people that you don't want to be with anymore. Or they were NEVER the person you thought they were and over time they finally show their true colors and you realize they are not the person you want to be with forever.



fall222 said:


> My thought is that if u want to be with someone forever and you want to commit. There are no legitimate reasons for not actually tying the knot after a year or two.


There's a TON of legitimate reasons for not tying the knot- EVER.

See my list above and add "cheating" "drug abuse" "criminal behavior" "abusive behavior" "bait and switch" which are all things that have broken up countless marriages that might have looked very promising at first.

You're a new poster. I suggest you read some of the stories on this forum before you're so quick to jump in and post about how there's no legitimate reason not to marry after 1 or 2 years.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

The one thing I NEVER understood was "if so and so doesn't propose by x date, I'm gone". If you truly love and want to be with a person the rest of your life, why do you need a piece of gov't paper to validate it?". That to me shows the person saying it was never truly in love.




CantePe said:


> Honestly, it's a piece of paper to me. Personal commitment doesn't require a ring or piece of paper.


Couldn't agree more. It's a formality, a transaction. To each their own (I waited almost 15 years to propose, though we met as teens). Do what works in your situation. However, I personally think it's wise to get past that 1-2 year stage whatever it's called where both parties have the infatuation feelies. Get past that, see if you're still a match, would highly recommend living with each other, then if you're still so inclined....

@GuyInColorado...I really like you man. From your posts, I can really relate to you. Kind of surprised you're so willing to dive back in after just 10 months. That's really not a long time to determine true compatibility. Best of luck brother.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

EmiSue04 said:


> It took 5 years for a proposal but in the beginning we had both just gotten out of bad relationships and decided to take things slow. After a year of dating we moved in together. 4 years later we got married.


And your marriage is failing, as per your first post on this forum, for many of the common reasons. 

It's a classic example of the points I've made in my post above.

You just never know what's going to happen down the line no matter how promising it looks at first.

The legal bind created by marriage is an unnecessary complication. ESPECIALLY when it's a subsequent marriage.



EmiSue04 said:


> I have been with my husband 10 years. Married for 5 of those 10 years.
> 
> We started therapy a few weeks ago because of our constant fighting. Over the stupidest stuff.
> 
> Im hurt. Deeply. Ive given this man 10 years of my life. I have helped him raise his son. I have given him another amazing son. To be treated like trash and to be hurt emotionally by his words. This is my last ditch effort to save us. I cant take anymore empty promises he will change. I need to see him do it. If not at least for me, at least for himself.





KJ_Simmons said:


> Kind of surprised you're so willing to dive back in after just 10 months. That's really not a long time to determine true compatibility. Best of luck brother.


I'm not surprised. He's trying to fill a void in his life left by the demise of his marriage. He's in the honeymoon stage of this new relationship. No one is ever going to be able to talk him into approaching yet another 'life long commitment with a fair amount of caution and good old common sense. It's human nature to make bad decisions based on raw emotion. That's why this forum keeps finding new members. 

I WILL be surprised if @GuyInColorado 's next marriage lasts even 5 years.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am working on my second divorce, however, I don't regret the getting divorced aspect as much as the not being with the woman I thought I was going to live my life with aspect. Given that my first wife made me declare bankruptcy (instead of working to pay off our debt) but has never requested child support and my second wife really doesn't want anything, I haven't been burned too badly financially (despite the financial implications of the marriages themselves).

Anyway, why don't you just propose?


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

I Kind of see this now as browser. Maybe im jaded but it really is a piece of paper. Does love and wanting to spend your life with someone need to be validated by legalities?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

KJ_Simmons said:


> The one thing I NEVER understood was "if so and so doesn't propose by x date, I'm gone". If you truly love and want to be with a person the rest of your life, why do you need a piece of gov't paper to validate it?". That to me shows the person saying it was never truly in love.


It doesn't come with guaranteed money in the event of divorce.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I could Google it, but I'll ask instead... :smile2:
> 
> Does each province has their own independent laws like the US individual states or do you have one set of laws for all?


It's federal level. Federal level is Canada wide although provincial with have some varying laws for the provincial level income taxes themselves but they don't stray very far from the federal laws.

So Canada wide is the short answer.

ETA: Rules are this (income tax wise and being recognized as married without a marriage certificate).

Children between you and living together - you're married (common law) both federal and provincial level.

Custody neither assumed or unassumed of children - 9/10 of the law applies, whoever has children full time is considered primary care giver, however my husband could take the kids and move and I'd have to file something called an emergency interim custody paper with provincial courts to get them back (aka family court) - vice versa for him if did the same.

Common law must be separated 3 months prior to child benefit changes (amounts) from federal and provincial governments. Same for separation leading to divorce.

12 month out of house separation is required before a divorce can be filed and proceeded with. Not so with common law status, you have to file with both levels of government 3 months after separation (taxes and government child benefits, no other changes or filing needed).

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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Ohhh browser. U seem a bit jaded but understandably. I've done plenty of reading and I'm aware of the divorce stats and how dismal they are for first marriages and even more so with second marriages. 

I guess for me at my age (40's). I would never jump into a relationship with someone who had past criminal behaviors addiction etc. I believe past behaviors predict the future to some extent. My point is I don't feel it truly is a commitment until marriage. Call me old fashioned. if both parties are of the opinion that they want to be together forever then shouldn't they get married!?!? If one party does not want to get married after years of dating I suspect they truly have doubts and feel that the relationship won't work in the long run. ? Is this correct?!? I also feel men especially are more concerned about money because divorce can be costly. So if your partner is saying I want to marry you but it's years later and they are still feeling like they need more time exactly what is stopping them. ? Do they feel like they just want to live together indefinitely so if things don't work out u can just leave? That's not a real big commitment in my mind. Also if one party wants the marrige after so many years and the other still wants to wait do u see how that could make the one wanting marriage very insecure. ??!? Just my thoughts. Just trying to figure out what is really behind these long term relationships with no marriage.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

To say I want to be with you forever but not get married seems a bit contradictory. If someone says that to me my first though is hmmmm this person does not love me enough to want a commitment!?!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Yeah we get it.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Here's another example I pulled off an unrelated thread.

You think these two had any doubts they'd be together forever when they tied the knot?



Chuck71 said:


> My first "real date" with my XW was at Taco Bell. It was late and none of the restaurants were still open. We had went hiking in the mountains. LOL Right before we ordered she asked, "Are you gonna let me eat?" I busted a gut laughing. Our eyes goo goo'd over hard shell tacos. That was the woman I married..... near the end, 110% different. Way it goes....


What happened?

Things were 100% different.

And they never saw it coming.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Yup. It happens. There are never any guarantees in life. So should people just never get married. ? Is that the answer? I would conclude that is how u feel !???


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

fall222 said:


> Yup. It happens. There are never any guarantees in life. So should people just never get married. ? Is that the answer? I would conclude that is how u feel !???


Yes I feel that people should never get married.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Oh browser. I hope someday you will change your mind)


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

fall222 said:


> Oh browser. I hope someday you will change your mind)


Why? Are you my girlfriend?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

KJ_Simmons said:


> The one thing I NEVER understood was "if so and so doesn't propose by x date, I'm gone". If you truly love and want to be with a person the rest of your life, why do you need a piece of gov't paper to validate it?". That to me shows the person saying it was never truly in love.


It's not just a piece of paper. It's a total commitment. Marriage means tying yourselves together legally, socially, and (if you're religious) spiritually. 

From my point of view, if the plan is to be together for the rest of our lives, there's no reason NOT to get married. If a man I was involved with told me he didn't want to marry me, I'd conclude that his love and commitment were incomplete and that we weren't compatible in terms of values and beliefs.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Mmjean. Those are my thought exactly. Browser ... sure I'll be your online girlfriend. Lol. But no in all seriousness I hope that someday you with have more faith in marrige and in people and situations working out in general.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

fall222 said:


> Mmjean. Those are my thought exactly. Browser ... sure I'll be your online girlfriend. Lol. But no in all seriousness I hope that someday you with have more faith in marrige and in people and situations working out in general.


I'm just being realistic.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

fall222 said:


> in all seriousness I hope that someday you with have more faith in marrige and in people and situations working out in general.


Faith in marriage and people and situations working out?

Do you think the person who wrote the following post has faith in people and situations working out?



Mucc said:


> I never understood why my relationship went from a whirlwind romance, a proposal in Paris, to you are the biggest b**** on planet earth. What I seriously fail to understand is - why/how our arguments escalated so much.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Here's the thing. A simple theory that most people choose to ignore. Chemistry and the initial honeymoon stage cannot sustain a marriage. 

I read that ladies post about the rich mamas boy who was unemployed. I guarantee you that there were red flags that women ignored. I would bet my life on it. And because she was so in love she got married anyway. 

What can sustain a marriage. Sacrifice and compromise and putting your relationship first and formost. Forsaking ALL others. Love alone does not sustain. But I think that if too adults are seriously considering marriage and get some pre marital counceling and put the relationship first above all else, which includes parents, kids, exes, other family members, then that couple has a fighting chance. It is possible to have a good marriage. But if u get married based on butterfly's in your stomach there are going to be problems.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Proposals in Paris pffffft... seriously is that a precursor to a good marriage. Nope.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

fall222 said:


> I guarantee you that there were red flags that women ignored. I would bet my life on it. And because she was so in love she got married anyway.


Lots of marriages fail when they started out as seemingly stellar relationships from day one with no significant red flags.


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

fall222 said:


> Here's the thing. A simple theory that most people choose to ignore. Chemistry and the initial honeymoon stage cannot sustain a marriage.
> 
> I read that ladies post about the rich mamas boy who was unemployed. I guarantee you that there were red flags that women ignored. I would bet my life on it. And because she was so in love she got married anyway.
> 
> What can sustain a marriage. Sacrifice and compromise and putting your relationship first and formost. Forsaking ALL others. Love alone does not sustain. But I think that if too adults are seriously considering marriage and get some pre marital counceling and put the relationship first above all else, which includes parents, kids, exes, other family members, then that couple has a fighting chance. It is possible to have a good marriage. But if u get married based on butterfly's in your stomach there are going to be problems.


All that you say above is what I USED to believe in. My parents have an arranged marriage. Compromise and sacrifice is ALL I know of when it comes to marriage. Sometimes, the line to sacrifice and compromise vs. this is red flag and I need to walk away, is not easy to recognize and even more difficult to maintain. 

What do you suggest people do before marriage? Sit down as adults and talk about their values, belief systems, priorities, career aspirations, hobbies/interests? etc etc. Yeah I did that. Still didn't work out. It is easy to assume people get carried away in the romance and butterflies - truth is, life and paths are way more complicated than that. If one has been in a good marriage and never been in a bad situation where they tried their utmost to "sacrifice/compromise" and make the best of it, I don't expect them to understand. And if you HAVE been in a bad situation previously, time fades memories. Hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to red flags. These red flags don't seem so when you are in the moment because of the context and because you don't have a crystal ball. 

With retroscope I can say - oh the engagement in paris was too grandiose- was a red flag. But at the time, none of my friends and family thought so - why? because here I was with a man, who made it very clear that he liked me and wanted to settle down in life, he had a good career with good income and a well off family - His family seemed to be on board with us getting married - all was well- so given the context - did not seem too much at all. 

Truth is - sometimes people don't say and follow through with the same things. What they feel before marriage changes after marriage. Thats why people cheat after 20 years of marriage. Thats why things fall apart. **** happens in life. If you have never lost a job for 20 years of your life and suddenly you lose your job, that affects your marriage. You cannot predict how your partner will react in times of stress, if they end up being ill, if YOU end up being ill. I know of a couple whose marriage fell apart after they had a child with autism (one of them dealt with it well while the other didn't). You CANNOT predict these things during your "dating" phase via red flags. 

So yes, I do not have faith in people and situations. Because they both change and UNPREDICTABLY so. And sometimes people don't react well to adverse conditions. If you haven't had to deal with that, you are fortunate and I hope you continue to be so, so that your faith in the above ideals remain.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Points well taken and I have had to deal with relationships gone bad. I've been there but I still believe it can work out.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Here's another one for you @fall222. These two are married a short 3 years and suddnely she's a spendaholic, she's lying about it and she's smoking pot in the house. She's verbally abusive and he's lost and confused because he never saw it coming.



bigfish said:


> I am at a complete loss. I have pulled away from my wife and feel like im being more of a parent then a partner. We have been married for 3yrs and i can't remember if its always been this way or, I've grown, am less accepting or what. I just know that every comment argument action or inaction is becoming more and more of a struggle for me. She started raising her voice, cursing and accusing me of not caring about her and hating her family. Then out of the corner of my eye and I saw one of the kids standing there listening to their mother speak to me that way. Ive since found out she has been using credit to the tune of $1600 over the last 5 months. She then flipped a switch and told me that i was controlling her by not letting her spend money. Another infuriating thing I encountered was about 4 months ago. I come home from work early and find the wife smoking pot in the living room not 2 weeks after i kicked my daughter out for similar behavior. I asked WTF is going on here. Her response was infuriating. She said and I quote "its my house too and i should be able to do what i want, when i want and i'm not hurting anything or anybody".


You think they can work it out? Should they even TRY to work it out?

If they weren't married and he didn't comingle the finances what do you think his best course of action would be at this point?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Here's another. Typical story. 

The person doesn't show their true colors until AFTER they get married. For good reason.



maxww said:


> Mine seems to be an ordinary story. I have been married for over 35 years. We met in college when I was 16. He was a couple of years older than I; he was handsome, intelligent and most importantly, my best friend. He used to take care of everything before we got married; he was my hero and I worshiped him in a pedestal.
> 
> Problems surfaced soon after we were married. I found out that he is a TV junky and he is moody. Whenever something that is not to his liking, he'll withdraw and we fought a lot. I married young and by 25, we already had 2 babies.


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