# Me(21) and my finace(20) are set to be married in November.. but havent had sex in 8 months



## 21andConfused (8 mo ago)

I've tried everything else and now I'm here because I don't know if I'm being selfish or inconsiderate with my feelings about this. My fiance and I met about 3 years ago and have been living together for 2 years. In the first two years we were inseparable, we had sex several times a week with her initiating it pretty often, and we were both incredibly happy. 6 months ago we moved 8 states away from where we grew up to have our dream of land, a big house, a big family and no more city drama. And now she wont even kiss me longer than a peck before i go to work. 
When the issue started before the move and I brought it up after a month, she said it was because I had promised we would move away from the city and it felt like I didn't care how much she wanted it and all I did was work, so I took a loan, quit my job and we moved 800 miles from our city to where I grew up as a kid out in the northeast woods, and she was very happy to move and still seems happy, we take our dog for a walk on the hiking trails everyday, have fires with our neighbors on the weekends, I helped get her into online school because that's what she wanted to do. She smiles more and seems happy and content with life now. But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm. I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and both times she said she still loves me and wants to get married she just doesnt like the feeling of physical affection anymore. I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. I just feel rejected, like living with my best friend instead of my future wife. I love her with all my heart but I am considering telling her we can't get married until we fix this because I'm 21 and I can't spend the next 60 years of my life in a sexless marriage that make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm afraid saying this will make her feel like I don't care about what she wants and just want to have sex but I just feel like there's no intimacy since we stopped and I'm a physically needy person, I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This is easy. Don't get married, split the assets, and go someplace else.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She got what she wanted, the house and land and it cost you your job. Now she’s looking for your balls as well.
It’s called bait and switch. 
Get away from her, sell,the property and thank whichever deity you pray to that you didn’t marry her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you both can't figure out why the change and get changed back, that's time to plan to dissolve the relationship. Sooner the financially better. 

When you ask her why, what does she say?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

At the very least delay the wedding. You have to be honest and tell her that sex and physical touch in marriage is so important and if it's not part of your relationship you can't marry her. You have to get this sorted. If she cant or won't work on this it's hard to see how this will ever work. 
If you marry her the way things are I doubt it will last.


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## 21andConfused (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you both can't figure out why the change and get changed back, that's time to plan to dissolve the relationship. Sooner the financially better.
> 
> When you ask her why, what does she say?


She says she just doesn't like being touched right now, and I guess it's with other people too, she doesn't really hug her family when they visit, and she doesn't like other people touching her even if they're just tapping her on the shoulder. I mean we met when she was 17 and I was 18 so I don't know if there's some kind of trauma that she's just now dealing with that's causing it but if there is she won't talk to me about it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

21andConfused said:


> I've tried everything else and now I'm here because I don't know if I'm being selfish or inconsiderate with my feelings about this. My fiance and I met about 3 years ago and have been living together for 2 years. In the first two years we were inseparable, we had sex several times a week with her initiating it pretty often, and we were both incredibly happy. 6 months ago we moved 8 states away from where we grew up to have our dream of land, a big house, a big family and no more city drama. And now she wont even kiss me longer than a peck before i go to work.
> When the issue started before the move and I brought it up after a month, she said it was because I had promised we would move away from the city and it felt like I didn't care how much she wanted it and all I did was work, so I took a loan, quit my job and we moved 800 miles from our city to where I grew up as a kid out in the northeast woods, and she was very happy to move and still seems happy, we take our dog for a walk on the hiking trails everyday, have fires with our neighbors on the weekends, I helped get her into online school because that's what she wanted to do. She smiles more and seems happy and content with life now. But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm. I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and both times she said she still loves me and wants to get married she just doesnt like the feeling of physical affection anymore. I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. I just feel rejected, like living with my best friend instead of my future wife. I love her with all my heart but I am considering telling her we can't get married until we fix this because I'm 21 and I can't spend the next 60 years of my life in a sexless marriage that make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm afraid saying this will make her feel like I don't care about what she wants and just want to have sex but I just feel like there's no intimacy since we stopped and I'm a physically needy person, I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point.


You need to break up with her and call it off. I know it's going to be a big financial mess probably but you can't go on like this and she doesn't want to have sex and has been right up front about it. You're just lucky you aren't married. Break it off with her today and if that home is in both your names and that's going to be something you'll have to get an attorney about to find out how to get her out of it. If it's in your name you need to probably talk to attorney and see how do you kick her out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

21andConfused said:


> I've tried everything else and now I'm here because I don't know if I'm being selfish or inconsiderate with my feelings about this. My fiance and I met about 3 years ago and have been living together for 2 years. In the first two years we were inseparable, we had sex several times a week with her initiating it pretty often, and we were both incredibly happy. 6 months ago we moved 8 states away from where we grew up to have our dream of land, a big house, a big family and no more city drama. And now she wont even kiss me longer than a peck before i go to work.
> When the issue started before the move and I brought it up after a month, she said it was because I had promised we would move away from the city and it felt like I didn't care how much she wanted it and all I did was work, so I took a loan, quit my job and we moved 800 miles from our city to where I grew up as a kid out in the northeast woods, and she was very happy to move and still seems happy, we take our dog for a walk on the hiking trails everyday, have fires with our neighbors on the weekends, I helped get her into online school because that's what she wanted to do. She smiles more and seems happy and content with life now. But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm. I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and both times she said she still loves me and wants to get married she just doesnt like the feeling of physical affection anymore. I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. I just feel rejected, like living with my best friend instead of my future wife. I love her with all my heart but I am considering telling her we can't get married until we fix this because I'm 21 and I can't spend the next 60 years of my life in a sexless marriage that make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm afraid saying this will make her feel like I don't care about what she wants and just want to have sex but I just feel like there's no intimacy since we stopped and I'm a physically needy person, I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point.


This one is so easy. No marriage to worry about or kids.

Send her home to momma.

Find a woman that burns a lot hotter.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

21andConfused said:


> the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn.


Yeah, don't get married, not like this. Imagine how bad you'll feel after years or DECADES of this. 

RUN.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

21andConfused said:


> She says she just doesn't like being touched right now, and I guess it's with other people too, she doesn't really hug her family when they visit, and she doesn't like other people touching her even if they're just tapping her on the shoulder. I mean we met when she was 17 and I was 18 so I don't know if there's some kind of trauma that she's just now dealing with that's causing it but if there is she won't talk to me about it.


And if she won't talk to you now about it that's a very negative, very very negative sign.

Welcome to the rest of your life if she doesn't honestly do her part as part of the team, to move forward.

Edited to add: on the plus side, now is a good time to sell a home. Yes, getting a new place will suffer from the same inflated prices but maybe that can be managed.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

If she is your fiance you must have loved her at some point. What you have posted is a huge red flag about getting married. Sit down with her and tell her that you are very concerned about the person she has transformed into around the time the two of you moved. 

I would tell her that you want to marry and live with the woman you proposed to, but are not sure about the woman she has become. Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you to see if the two of you can figure out what happened and if you both really want to move forward with marriage.

The other thing I would suggest is to work with her on figuring out what you each want your lives to look like in 10 years, 20 years, etc. If you both think that includes marriage what do you want "marriage" to look like in 10 years, 20 years, etc. She may have found that the large house/yard in a remote location is not as romantic as she had thought it would be. She may have also found out she doesn't want to be with you as much as she did before.

Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I am just going to caution you that she may be so desperate to get married in November and not humiliate herself by having it called off that she may lie and tell you whatever you want to hear to get that done. But she can't undo what she's already said and that's exactly what she's going to go back to, so don't fall for it. She may be entitled to half of that property once you get married whether her name is on it or not depending on local laws. You need to talk to an attorney ASAP and just lock all that down.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I would cancel the wedding altogether or change the wedding date to another 2 years away. Sadly your marriage wouldn't be a happy one if you married now. You're having these problems before you marry. I would walk if I was you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like she’s using you. It will only get worse once you’re married and it becomes more difficult to leave.

Don’t overthink it. Just end it. But you have to mean it. (You have to truly be willing to leave her and not just testing to see if she’ll change) She won’t change. 

Walking away from people we thought we loved but realize aren’t good for us, is damn hard. But so worth it.

It’s not about the lack of sex for me, in your story. It’s about what it represents and that is someone who doesn’t care about your needs.

When people show you who they are the first time, believe them. - Maya Angelou


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I understand that at 21 you just don't have the knowledge, experience and sufficient dose of reality to make you see what we all older people with our accumulated knowledge and experience has taught us. 
The first thing you need to understand and be able to get through your head is that in actuality you are behaving afraid. You are afraid of losing the relationship; which is what is keeping you in it, instead of having the courage and understanding that your beta behaviour is condemning you to a relationship where *once married, you're doomed to even less of what you are getting right now.* 

Please, visualize the above last sentence I wrote. This is your future, this is your crystal ball showing you what's in store for you. Cancel the engagement, the wedding and for the love of god end this relationship. Have the balls, the courage, the decisiveness to do what's obviously in your best interest. She already showed you who she is and what she is like, BELIEVE HER.

Remember, in this life, this planet the number one rule is: I, me, mine, survival of the fittest. Don't let this relationship to swallow you whole. Move on, find a better, suitable partner. You are way, way to young to be already stuck in such a relationship. Listen please, listen to what we are telling you. Don't let romantic feelings and love drag you down. Just remember: what love got to do with anything in your situation to begin with, answer: NOTHING.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, thank your lucky stars that she showed you this side of herself pre-marriage.... usually this is the post marriage maneuver.

Cancel the wedding and say that you are not ready considering that she changed and doesn't want affection, which is part of a long term relationship and marriage.

DO NOT PROCEED WITH HER.

Even if she shapes up for a short time, it will be because she wants to get married. You would be a fool to fall for this.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

21andConfused said:


> I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months


Going forward, this is way too passive.

You shouldn't even be discussing this under 30, let alone going a week without wondering whats up... saying something only twice in 6 months shows you are working too hard to please her and not being assertive with what you desire from the relationship. That sort of passiveness never works well in any relationship... you need to improve your communication in your next relationship.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

21andConfused said:


> so I don't know if there's some kind of trauma that she's just now dealing with


Do not make up your own excuses for her behavior. She knows what she is doing... she doesn't care how it affects you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. No. No.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

21andConfused said:


> I've tried everything else and now I'm here because I don't know if I'm being selfish or inconsiderate with my feelings about this. My fiance and I met about 3 years ago and have been living together for 2 years. In the first two years we were inseparable, we had sex several times a week with her initiating it pretty often, and we were both incredibly happy. 6 months ago we moved 8 states away from where we grew up to have our dream of land, a big house, a big family and no more city drama. And now she wont even kiss me longer than a peck before i go to work.
> When the issue started before the move and I brought it up after a month, she said it was because I had promised we would move away from the city and it felt like I didn't care how much she wanted it and all I did was work, so I took a loan, quit my job and we moved 800 miles from our city to where I grew up as a kid out in the northeast woods, and she was very happy to move and still seems happy, we take our dog for a walk on the hiking trails everyday, have fires with our neighbors on the weekends, I helped get her into online school because that's what she wanted to do. She smiles more and seems happy and content with life now. But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm. I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and both times she said she still loves me and wants to get married she just doesnt like the feeling of physical affection anymore. I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. I just feel rejected, like living with my best friend instead of my future wife. I love her with all my heart but I am considering telling her we can't get married until we fix this because I'm 21 and I can't spend the next 60 years of my life in a sexless marriage that make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm afraid saying this will make her feel like I don't care about what she wants and just want to have sex but I just feel like there's no intimacy since we stopped and I'm a physically needy person, I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point.


Nope.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you’re seeing isn’t a red flag. It’s more like the national guard with tanks and rifles pointed at you, totally blocking the road.
If you are stupid enough to stay in this relationship one day longer, you deserve the nightmare that you will live with this woman.

You don’t wonder why or second guess, you don’t procrastinate, you don’t call mom or dad for their thoughts—- you help her pack her bags. What are you losing when she leaves? Do you have no friends? Get some.

I get more affection than you do from my 82 yr old aunt—- she gave me a hug today and told me she loved me and asked me to come back soon.

21 years old? You should be having a wonderful, highly physical, super affectionate relationship with a woman that at least wants you enough to try to fool you and reel you in.

You are seeing the best of her now and it’s awful. If you marry her, you will see the worst.

wait a few years. You can probably at least get yourself an Android that will shake your hand and bring you a glass of tea. Your fiancée is just not wife material period. Not even gf material unless you’re a monk.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Before you get hitched and especially at your age you should be breeding like rabbits. You said earlier you were going a few times a week. When I was older than you and had my fiancé living with me it was more like a few times A DAY.

Do not get her pregnant. Do not marry her.

She couldn’t even keep it together long enough to get hitched.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

21andConfused said:


> She says she just doesn't like being touched right now, and I guess it's with other people too, she doesn't really hug her family when they visit, and she doesn't like other people touching her even if they're just tapping her on the shoulder. I mean we met when she was 17 and I was 18 so I don't know if there's some kind of trauma that she's just now dealing with that's causing it but if there is she won't talk to me about it.


DO NOT GET MARRIED!

When people show you their true self, you should believe them.

You are not sexually compatible, which is the single most important thing in a marriage. You can get a buddy that likes hiking in the woods, bonfire, etc. The reason you marry the opposite sex (for heterosexuals) instead of your buddy is because of the sex.

Why were homosexual people agitating for legalization of gay marriage? They could find an opposite sex person who shared the same interests, hobbies, etc. But because they were sexually attracted to the same sex that they needed gay marriage legalized; because the sexual intimacy is the key to marriage, straight or gay.

She doesn't want to be intimate with you. You have a friendship you could have with anyone. You don't have a mate. DON'T GET MARRIED!

And, at this point, the fact that she's been ignoring your pleas tells me that she doesn't put much importance in your happiness. She's not questioning why she doesn't want sex with you when she did before. She doesn't see it as a problem. That's a major red flag. That means you and your intimacy needs don't mean squat to her.

At this point, I wouldn't be able to trust her even if she starts having sex again. She was able to keep up an act until you were engaged to her, then she became non-sexual with you. That makes me believe that she could just as easily put on a sexual facade again to stop your complaints and get you to marry her, then revert to her asexual self after the wedding. At this point, you'll never know if she's sincere or not, so there's no way the wedding should go forward.

I want a wife who has sex with me because she desires me physically, enjoys it, and values the intimacy of it. I DON'T want a wife who is having sex just to pull a bait and switch, or to get me to shut up about any lack of physical intimacy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why on earth would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

This issue started before the move.
And although the move has increased her happiness, it did not resolve the sex issue.

Did your partner start any new medication during the time that sex stopped?
Some medications like antidepressants and contraceptives can badly affect libido. 

If these are ruled out, then, like others have said, postpone the marriage, and give yourself time to come to terms with a decision on how to move forward.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honey this is not normal. At 20 and 21 you should be at it like rabbits, not living like a monk and a nun.

If it's like this now, before marriage, there isn't anything that will fix it. You need to walk away now, before you get in even deeper. Marriage amplifies issues, it doesn't fix them.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

21andConfused said:


> I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the laIt's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point. any physical touch is killing me.


 You need sex and physical touch. Notice that I did not say want, but instead said need. You need these 2 items all the time. This does not make you needy. It makes you human. Do not negotiate either of these things away. Do not even begin to say such things as “I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it”. That is crazy talk as you would not be happy, you would just be suffering a little less. 

Stop begging and just end it with her. Do not look back. Once you are in a healthy relationship, you will know just how insane you were to have stayed in this toxic relationship for as long as you have.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Count yourself lucky. They usually wait until after the wedding to pull the bait and switch. Just leave and do it today.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

If you marry a woman that does not want to have sex with you, a marriage vow of monogamy, becomes in effect a vow of celibacy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TRy said:


> If you marry a woman that does not want to have sex with you, a marriage vow of monogamy, becomes in effect a vow of celibacy.


Damn good point.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A sexless engagement? You definitely have end this relationship. Doesn’t matter if she turns on the sex again. It will be just to appease you for a season. That you’ve endured this for so long has already made you weak. You want her to at least cuddle with you to watch tv? Are you 90 years old? A childless couple at your age, should be going at it daily. Before you put a ring on it, is when you get her sexual best. After, it usually tapers down.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

21andConfused said:


> I've tried everything else and now I'm here because I don't know if I'm being selfish or inconsiderate with my feelings about this. My fiance and I met about 3 years ago and have been living together for 2 years. In the first two years we were inseparable, we had sex several times a week with her initiating it pretty often, and we were both incredibly happy. 6 months ago we moved 8 states away from where we grew up to have our dream of land, a big house, a big family and no more city drama. And now she wont even kiss me longer than a peck before i go to work.
> When the issue started before the move and I brought it up after a month, she said it was because I had promised we would move away from the city and it felt like I didn't care how much she wanted it and all I did was work, so I took a loan, quit my job and we moved 800 miles from our city to where I grew up as a kid out in the northeast woods, and she was very happy to move and still seems happy, we take our dog for a walk on the hiking trails everyday, have fires with our neighbors on the weekends, I helped get her into online school because that's what she wanted to do. She smiles more and seems happy and content with life now. But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm. I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and both times she said she still loves me and wants to get married she just doesnt like the feeling of physical affection anymore. I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. I just feel rejected, like living with my best friend instead of my future wife. I love her with all my heart but I am considering telling her we can't get married until we fix this because I'm 21 and I can't spend the next 60 years of my life in a sexless marriage that make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm afraid saying this will make her feel like I don't care about what she wants and just want to have sex but I just feel like there's no intimacy since we stopped and I'm a physically needy person, I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point.


I mean this in all seriousness. DO NOT get married to her, break it off ASAP and don't let her suck you back in by screwing your brains out when you tell her it is over. If you do slip up and sleep with her, make sure you use protection so you do not get her pregnant. 

If this is happening now at your age and this early in the relationship it will only be worse down the road. She doesn't want you as a lover or husband, she wants you as a security blanket that makes her white picket fence dream come true. You are just a tool to her at this point. The bright spot is you found this out now, not 10 years and 2 kids later.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is something seriously wrong here.

It very likely that this caused her first husband to cheat on her.

She may be sex-averse, or maybe suffering from child, sexual abuse, CSA.

Sorry, she is not marriage material, pass on this one.

Pass, on her.

Do not ask her to seek counseling or professional psychological care.
That would take years to resolve her issues.

............................................................
Note:

There is an outside chance that she may still be in love with another man, maybe her EX.
Check her online/phone communications.

She may be hoping that this phantom lover will sweep her up, prior to the wedding.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think you are being used. I also believe that you are too young to get married. You should be out there enjoying your life hanging with friends, some partying, and just building some memories..... But for your own sake, do not get her pregnant. This is about the age where that strong maternal instinct kicks in and she will promise you anything just so she can get pregnant.

I strongly believe you should dump her and wait until someone much better comes along. Because if you do marry. She will be pregnant within a year and you will find yourself in divorce court within 3-4 years


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> do not get her pregnant


Sound advice and I would be very careful once you tell her the wedding is off, she may attempt this. You are better off to just cancel the wedding and your relationship with her at the same time.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

21,

You wrote, *have fires with our neighbors on the weekends

I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. *

I would not reject the idea that she is having an affair with your neighbors, a man in his 40s is often skilled at seducing women, particularly if he is a serial cheater. Such a man often also knows how to appear harmless, decent and well meaning he may even claim to be very religious. Since you work there is ample time when you are not there.

There is a good chance you will find your answer by looking at who she communicates with.

Women often completely avoid touch when they are in love with someone else.

A 20 something woman with no sex drive???

Don't voice this to your GF, go into detective mode.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

21andConfused said:


> I've tried everything else and now I'm here because I don't know if I'm being selfish or inconsiderate with my feelings about this. My fiance and I met about 3 years ago and have been living together for 2 years. In the first two years we were inseparable, we had sex several times a week with her initiating it pretty often, and we were both incredibly happy. 6 months ago we moved 8 states away from where we grew up to have our dream of land, a big house, a big family and no more city drama. And now she wont even kiss me longer than a peck before i go to work.
> When the issue started before the move and I brought it up after a month, she said it was because I had promised we would move away from the city and it felt like I didn't care how much she wanted it and all I did was work, so I took a loan, quit my job and we moved 800 miles from our city to where I grew up as a kid out in the northeast woods, and she was very happy to move and still seems happy, we take our dog for a walk on the hiking trails everyday, have fires with our neighbors on the weekends, I helped get her into online school because that's what she wanted to do. She smiles more and seems happy and content with life now. But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm. I've brought it up twice in the last 6 months and both times she said she still loves me and wants to get married she just doesnt like the feeling of physical affection anymore. I know she's not cheating because we have one car that I take to work and our neighbors are all in their 40s and married and we've both been cheated on in past relationships and made a pact to tell the other person if we're unhappy no matter when it is. I just feel rejected, like living with my best friend instead of my future wife. I love her with all my heart but I am considering telling her we can't get married until we fix this because I'm 21 and I can't spend the next 60 years of my life in a sexless marriage that make me feel like I'm not good enough. I'm afraid saying this will make her feel like I don't care about what she wants and just want to have sex but I just feel like there's no intimacy since we stopped and I'm a physically needy person, I'd be happy just to cuddle in bed and kiss, I could deal with the no sex and work on it but the lack of any physical touch is killing me. It's started to take a toll on me mentally and I've been drinking a lot the last month because of it. I don't know where to turn. I've asked if she would do couples therapy and she declined, even tried to do just 1on1 relationship exercises and she keeps saying our relationship is good she just doesn't want to be touched. Any advice is welcome, I'm all out of options at this point.


Geez..didn't her mom teach her anything? She's supposed to wait til she gets married, and maybe have the amount of kids she wants, THEN stop the sex. Just kidding of course (that was for the "all in their 40's comment). 

But seriously, whatever you do, do not tell her you won't get married until this is fixed, otherwise, you'll probably get sex up until you get married, then nothing and miserable. The key to a good marriage is that you both want the best for the other person. If she knows you are suffering because of this lack of affection, then she should do everything in her power to help correct it. I know my wife would. If you fiance respected you thoroughly, she would value you and make darn sure that you are of sound mind and body. The fact that she declined counseling speaks volumes; that to me says "screw you, i'm happy and don't need counseling". 

If you choose not to heed the advice of this forum, I can promise you it doesn't get better. Couple years from now she'll be asking for an open marriage. DON"T BE THAT GUY!


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

You're way too young to think about getting married. You should date and have fun for a few years before thinking about settling down. 

I'd have a heart attack if my son wanted to get married at 21 to a woman who doesn't like to be touched. I don't understand why you want to get married to someone like that. 

Your requests are normal for a healthy and loving relationship. There's something wrong with your fiance. If you think about it, she doesn't want a husband, she wants a best friend. Her best friend could be another woman or another pet. A spouse should be different than a friend. She doesn't see you that way. 

You are so young! Break up and look for a girlfriend who can rock your world! You deserve it!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Geez..didn't her mom teach her anything? She's supposed to wait til she gets married, and maybe have the amount of kids she wants, THEN stop the sex. Just kidding of course (that was for the "all in their 40's comment).
> 
> But seriously, whatever you do, do not tell her you won't get married until this is fixed, otherwise, you'll probably get sex up until you get married, then nothing and miserable. The key to a good marriage is that you both want the best for the other person. If she knows you are suffering because of this lack of affection, then she should do everything in her power to help correct it. I know my wife would. If you fiance respected you thoroughly, she would value you and make darn sure that you are of sound mind and body. The fact that she declined counseling speaks volumes; that to me says "screw you, i'm happy and don't need counseling".
> 
> If you choose not to heed the advice of this forum, I can promise you it doesn't get better. Couple years from now she'll be asking for an open marriage. DON"T BE THAT GUY!


I thought this was @oldshirt at first! 🤣🤣

Spot on.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't think marriage at 20 is a problem, if the couple is mature enough. I know people who got married young and had wonderful, loving marriages. Age isn't the problem here. The problem is that a young woman, who is living with her fiancée doesn't even want to be touched! That is absurd. Something is not right here.
@21andConfused, I'm so sorry you are in this spot. I know you love her and wanted to marry her, but this is how she is and how she will remain. Your misery is only going to get worse the longer you stay with her. Being in love shouldn't be miserable. It should be joyous and fun. What you are living right now is neither.
Please do not try to change her. A leopard cannot change its spots. Accept her for who she is and let her go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@21andConfused , you've gone 8 months?

I'm 51 and not confused and my wife and I won't go 8 days without, ever.

Take it from a much older man, get away from this person and form your own life independently.

You will then attract women who know how to use what God gave them.

Your life is nonsense right now with this broken excuse for a woman.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

21andConfused said:


> But she tells me she doesn't want any physical affection at all. She doesn't want to hold my hand on our walks, she falls asleep on the couch watching TV most nights and when she does come to bed she doesn't want any physical contact, not even just my hand on her arm.


there is something wrong with her & you cannot marry her if you ever want to have sex again. 

Call of this wedding right now. If there is any hope of possibly saving this, you have to postpone the wedding & get into some serious counseling. 

Sex is part of marriage. Withholding sex is called marital abandonment. If she is already cutting you off before the wedding, things will get worse after you are married. 

Get to the bottom of her problem before you walk down the aisle.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I had doubts before my marriage but dismissed my once a month then-fiance as wedding stress, then job stress. The reality is, there will always be stress from somewhere in life. Never marry someone with whom frequency is already an issue at the beginning of the relationship. Frequency doesn't tend to get better with age or as the novelty of a new relationship wears off. Don't marry her at least until you feel this issue is resolved to your satisfaction. It's not OK for you guys never to have sex again just because that's what she wants. 

Behavior is communication. You have communicated your need for closeness to her and she has communicated right back that she doesn't care what you need because she isn't that fussed. You could try pre-marital therapy if you really want to, but if the drive isn't there, or more importantly, the recognition that this situation is not normal and that she could actually take steps to try and fix the problem, it might never be.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I can’t imagine a 21 year old man even considering marrying a woman that not only refused sex for 8 months, won’t even let him touch her.
This points to huge mental issues with both parties involved. Psychotherapy required.

married?????????? Not even worth considering.

it’s crazy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> I don't think marriage at 20 is a problem, if the couple is mature enough. I know people who got married young and had wonderful, loving marriages. Age isn't the problem here. The problem is that a young woman, who is living with her fiancée doesn't even want to be touched! That is absurd. Something is not right here.
> @21andConfused, I'm so sorry you are in this spot. I know you love her and wanted to marry her, but this is how she is and how she will remain. Your misery is only going to get worse the longer you stay with her. Being in love shouldn't be miserable. It should be joyous and fun. What you are living right now is neither.
> Please do not try to change her. A leopard cannot change its spots. Accept her for who she is and let her go.


We got married at 18 and 21. Still here and happy 32 years later. At that age we were going at it like rabbits and never stopped. Something is not right with a person that is 21 and not interested in sex, let alone sex with the person she is supposed to get married to. 

You are right, no point in trying to change her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

21andConfused said:


> She says she just doesn't like being touched right now, and I guess it's with other people too, she doesn't really hug her family when they visit, and she doesn't like other people touching her even if they're just tapping her on the shoulder. I mean we met when she was 17 and I was 18 so I don't know if there's some kind of trauma that she's just now dealing with that's causing it but if there is she won't talk to me about it.


Bait and switch. Sex you up to get married then shuts down. It isn’t the first time this has been a issue here at TAM.

Don’t get married and if you bought the house, send her back to her family.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

I hate to say this, but 9 out of 10 times, if theres a dead bedroom, theres a reason for it. #1 reason, if she isn't giving it to you, she's giving it to a chad out there. She's probably using you for your resources and using chad for the sex part. She wants her cake and to eat it also.

Thats my guess.

I'd walk away from her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

21andConfused said:


> She says she just doesn't like being touched right now, and I guess it's with other people too, she doesn't really hug her family when they visit, and she doesn't like other people touching her even if they're just tapping her on the shoulder. I mean we met when she was 17 and I was 18 so I don't know if there's some kind of trauma that she's just now dealing with that's causing it but if there is she won't talk to me about it.


Who cares if she doesn't like other people touching her. She should WANT you to touch her all the time.
This shows you the real her. I agree with others -- she got what she wanted from you, so YOUR needs really aren't important anymore.
You WILL NOT be happy if you marry her. She failed the dating test -- she isn't truly compatible with you. Split the assets and move on. You have the rest of your life ahead of you -- don't spend it in misery. Read here how many people have threads of "My wife/husband doesn't want to have sex anymore". Don't let that become YOU.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This thread is rare. Usually the sneaky ones that marry strictly for security wait until they have better solidified their position before they show their true colors. 
If the OP goes through with this now, he was likely doomed to this fate either way, because he feels he can’t find anyone else and she is the only one who will “love” him.

A confident 21 year old young man wouldn’t settle for being a eunuch with his fiancée.

This is a real shame. Any man should be able to see something this obvious and drop her like the nuclear hot 🥔 she is.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

A book for you: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*

Do not marry this woman.
Set aside any marriage for oh... another ten years. You have A LOT of living and learning to do, my man. This ain't the one.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Seeing that post reminded me, the collected wisdom rule #1 of r/deadbedrooms is:

*Never marry into a dead bedroom.*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree. OP, being single should be a lot of fun. Marriage for 50% of people is apparently terrible. When married, you have kids, abd are forced to divorce— it’s a nightmare. 
slow down on wanting to with anyone.
This woman—- she doesn’t like to be touched and no sex???? Surely you see you’d be an idiot to consider marriage to her.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> 21,
> 
> You wrote, *have fires with our neighbors on the weekends
> 
> ...


Yep, if she avoids your touch, and no longer wants to have sex with you, there is likely another lover that she is attached to. I have read many times that woman will 'pull away' from their current lover when they become attached and involved with someone else.

For your own good, please don't marry her !!! Sell up, devide the assets, run and don't look back. JMHO.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

No updates from the OP.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No updates from the OP.


probably too busy dumping the girl…


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> probably too busy dumping the girl…


Or planning a wedding most likely


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> probably too busy dumping the girl…


No he’s probably busy chasing her and buying her flowers and looking for a new car to get her. 

..... as well as working on wedding plans.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> No he’s probably busy chasing her and buying her flowers and looking for a new car to get her.
> 
> ..... as well as working on wedding plans.


possibly…always been optimistic


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> possibly…always been optimistic


Some of that optimism is likely youthful belief in magic. That somehow this will all workout. He will do something sweet or heroic or dramatic and she will fall blissfully in love with him again.

Some of it is also social and perhaps religious programming. It will all get better when they’re married.

She’ll be happy and love him when they buy a better house (I’ve fallen for that one a couple times) 

Once we have kids it will bring us together.

Once I get a better job she will love me more.

When the kids get into school she won’t be as overwhelmed and exhausted.

When the kids are out of the house, she won’t be afraid of the kids walking in. (A part of me is falling for that now 😮) 

When we retire we’ll have more time for “us” again. 

We’re told that marriage and monogamy are the answers and the fix to all sexual and relationship problems. 

In my old age, I’m finally beginning to see that marriage and monogamy are the actual risks and the actual pitfall.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Some of that optimism is likely youthful belief in magic. That somehow this will all workout. He will do something sweet or heroic or dramatic and she will fall blissfully in love with him again.
> 
> Some of it is also social and perhaps religious programming. It will all get better when they’re married.
> 
> ...


Definitely not religious programming.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Quite the dilemma
(edited)


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It could be someone in the closet. If the phone is on your person, you can request call records from the service.

Is there someone gf talk to often? you can check.

If a certain number , find out who the number belongs to and send it to him.

Don't try to check gf phone or messages.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m wishing op will come back abd say he cancelled his “wedding”. 
Any man that gets married to a woman that is frigid before he even marries her……. In the language of southern courtesy: “bless his heart”……


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