# Not sexually attracted to wife



## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

What would you say to a 31 year old man who has been married for 11 years to a great 30 year old woman who is very loving and giving, a great mother and friend and very sexual ..he loves her, but he doesn't find her sexually attractive and he only has sex once every week and a half. 

I feel that this is the case with my husband

He says he's attracted to me and loves me but he's tired and doesn't think about having sex...but I've caught him watching porn and looking at naked pics on Craigslist.

...what would you say to him?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would say he's a selfish loser (harsh but true). I would say he's a grass is all ways greener and a glass half full guy. I would say you are better off looking for new love and making a new life without him, then holding onto one that will never ever be what it should.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is what I would recommend saying.

Husband, for a marriage to function we both have to meet each others emotional needs. You have a need for A, B, C which every day I focus on work to meet. Meeting each others needs takes work and focus. If I am going to meet your needs for A, B, C I expect that in our marriage you will put forth focus and effort in meeting my emotional needs. The main emotional needs I have that you are not meeting is Sexual Fulfillment. I would like you to think about are two things. 1. Are there emotional needs that you have, that are not A, B, and C that I am not meeting ? I would like to know what those are. 2. Are you willing to meet my emotional needs in our marriage?. Think about this for 2 days.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say he is not wanting to deal with the emotional side of sex so he pleasures himself to porn and the such.

I wouldn't know what to do...I would feel so dejected.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks yall! I'm starting to see that maybe it might not be me after all. I think I may start counsling to work on the damage he has done to me. I'm joining the Y today so hopefully I will feel better about myself soon. Until then I just have to keep thinking positive and see where things go. I'm not going to focus so much on his needs...and when I say his needs, I mean..I cook, fix his plate, take it to him, fix his drink, take it to him..I wait on him hand and foot! No more of that!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I would say that this is my worst nightmare. 

However if he says he's attracted to you... he could well be telling the truth. Something else could be going on. MC could help.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Peace, I can see why you would go "on strike" so to speak.
But, it doesn't work! It will help nothing and will bring you no closer to an understanding of how to fix your situation.

You have a good list of his "needs" that you are meeting. Through saying the things I suggested above you will find out one of two things. The first thing you could find out is his needs are different than the ones you are meeting. The second thing you could find out is he is selfish in that he would refuse to meet your needs even though he is happy to have his needs met.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> What would you say to a 31 year old man who has been married for 11 years to a great 30 year old woman who is very loving and giving, a great mother and friend and very sexual ..he loves her, but he doesn't find her sexually attractive and he only has sex once every week and a half.
> 
> I feel that this is the case with my husband
> 
> ...


you say you "feel that is the case" but that doesn't mean it is.

maybe after 11 years of marriage and asking for a more frequent sexual life, he has resorted to just taking care of himself. now that you are looking for more, he just can't be bothered getting his expectation level set for anything more that every 10 days.

may not be the case but i'd like to hear how things were over the past 11 years.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> you say you "feel that is the case" but that doesn't mean it is.
> 
> maybe after 11 years of marriage and asking for a more frequent sexual life, he has resorted to just taking care of himself. now that you are looking for more, he just can't be bothered getting his expectation level set for anything more that every 10 days.
> 
> may not be the case but i'd like to hear how things were over the past 11 years.


We've always had GREAT sex..it's still great! Even when we don't do it that often, when we do it's really good!! And I ask him " now why do you not want that more often" and he answers" I don't know." I've been asking for more sex for a LONG time..like going on 2 years. I think he's sexually and emotionally lazy.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm not saying I don't completely empathize with your situation, trust me I do. Now, I'm going to be somewhat blunt but I'm writing this with good intention to you. It might be hard for you to see it right now but there are other things going on with him that's preventing him from wanting to connect with you that way more often. Sure, you could say "He's a loser and I should move on." We do live in a throw-away society after all. Then he'll meet another woman and they'll be at it like rabbits. So why couldn't he have been like this with you? You could stick around and truly give yourselves a chance to understand what your relationship has become and why. You could take the opportunity to look at yourself and learn some lessons before that happens.

I don't think going "on-strike" is the answer. If anything, that's just going to cause more distance between the two of you. It's time for some really candid, open discussions about your relationship - a two way conversation. You might feel that you're doing everything for him and you're also a sexy beast on top of it all (smile at this part, it's okay, you _are_ a sexy beast) so why on earth isn't he wanting to please you or sexually connect with you? What a selfish ba$tard, right? (keep reading)

You'd written before that _"He does nothing for me but go to work and supports our family. I feel like he thinks that's enough."_ ....I'm sorry but to me, the way you have written this wreaks of disrespect. When you questioned why he didn't buy you flowers when he got the car part and you asked why it didn't cross his mind to do something nice for you and that it shows where his mind is at, well that also shows where your mind is at. It's all about me, me, me. 

Okay before you get completely annoyed and feel jilted with what I just wrote, here's the thing: He's not thinking of you. Sexually, romantically or thoughtfully. But _why_ isn't he thinking that way of you? It's not something you can just hammer into someone's mind "Hey buddy, think of me!" especially when it's said in a frustrated tone. If anything, that's just going to reinforce the person not wanting to do those things. 

Now I'm not saying his turning to porn is justified. No. That needs to stop and I agree his focus needs to come back into the relationship. Just as you do too. Stop those hormonal thoughts that made you write previously _"Im finding myself wishing I had to go to another state alone for some reason and have wild, hot sex with the first random stranger I find attractive!! Thats sooo bad!" _

Just as he needs to turn his attention back to you, you also need to turn your attention back to him. The cooking and fixing him a drink and asking for sex isn't connecting with him fully - just as his working and supporting you and having sex once a week isn't connecting with you fully either. You BOTH need to make changes. Just as you want to feel valued and thought about, so does he. Get out of your own head for the moment and see what YOU can do. Stop asking for sex. Take a step back. At the end of the day, you might not stay together but I think it'd be to YOUR benefit to really look at this with both eyes open.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Brilliant ^^^^


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> I'm not saying I don't completely empathize with your situation, trust me I do. Now, I'm going to be somewhat blunt but I'm writing this with good intention to you. It might be hard for you to see it right now but there are other things going on with him that's preventing him from wanting to connect with you that way more often. Sure, you could say "He's a loser and I should move on." We do live in a throw-away society after all. Then he'll meet another woman and they'll be at it like rabbits. So why couldn't he have been like this with you? You could stick around and truly give yourselves a chance to understand what your relationship has become and why. You could take the opportunity to look at yourself and learn some lessons before that happens.
> 
> I don't think going "on-strike" is the answer. If anything, that's just going to cause more distance between the two of you. It's time for some really candid, open discussions about your relationship - a two way conversation. You might feel that you're doing everything for him and you're also a sexy beast on top of it all (smile at this part, it's okay, you _are_ a sexy beast) so why on earth isn't he wanting to please you or sexually connect with you? What a selfish ba$tard, right? (keep reading)
> 
> ...


I disagree, I think her going on strike is like doing a 180. He needs a wake up call.

Moreover she has been asking for years for him to focus on their relationship.

This guy treats her like dirt, I would actually go so far as to say he's emotionally abusive. 

It also seems he cheated on her in the past.

I doubt that he will have any sustainable long term relationships the way he is. 

It's not about being a throw away society, it's about recognizing something that is truly unhealthy. 

I think she has done so much all ready that she is just about burnt out. Why should the caring giving loving spouse, give more?

Also it's not just about the sex and porn (that's bad enough), but he has been treating her terribly in just about all aspects of their relationship.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> I think I may start counsling to work on the damage he has done to me. I'm joining the Y today so hopefully I will feel better about myself soon. Until then I just have to keep thinking positive and see where things go. I'm not going to focus so much on his needs...and when I say his needs, I mean..I cook, fix his plate, take it to him, fix his drink, take it to him..I wait on him hand and foot! No more of that!


I'm just one person among many, so my advice can admittedly be off. Except for pregnancy, though, a ten day drought would be a major calamity for us after 24 years together. 

Saying that he has damaged you really implies that you see him as a guy who is intentionally cruel to you. Saying that you will boycott nice things for him ... well, if he's really this low down, it just seems that sex should be the last thing to worry about. Don't want this to be harsh, but only suggesting that those vibes probably can be felt by him. Certainly not saying that he isn't screwing up bad, because he is.

As a guy, I think we don't discuss one thing that fundamentally exists in every case when a guy stays connected sexually in a relationship over seven years or so. The woman gives off vibes that tell her husband that his intimate time with her is absolutely safe, and very much wanted because she is crazy about him, and only him. I'm saying that there is no anger, frustration or resentment carried into the lovemaking. Sexual passion is also there, of course, but that's assumed here. She creates a connection of acceptance.

I'll be honest. I see in your posts that you really do feel these things for your husband. Maybe the problem is that you feel shame and hurt for something that is not at all your fault. He owns it completely. I believe that most guys who have suffered because they made your husband's mistake would give about anything for a wife that did the things you do for him. All I'm suggesting is that the frustration can only stand in the way of improvement in his problem.

Often, guys have very similar fears about sexual issues, but deal with it completely different. I think that most times a guy goes without sex more than a few days, there is an element of fear of your hurt or of being judged, and his behaviors are avoiding behaviors. 

Obviously though, some guys are low T, while others might jumpt to this conclusion to cover up the discomfort of their sex life.

Something that I feel strongly about as a guy, though. Unless he has cheated or is intentionally hurting you, the 180 will work if it is your intention to go from 10 days between sex to a higher number.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

While the roles are reversed you asking for sex is no different than a man begging his wife for more. It won't happen. I think you are empowering him in some ways.

Porn is an interesting question. Plenty of different attitudes abound here on the subject. Regardless of your overall opinion about porn it never ever should replace the other partner. While it can be healthy (assuming both partners are ok with it) it can also be extremely poisonous to a lot of relationships.

I'd also say that going on strike isn't the answer. Holding out just seems plain wrong - even if that is what he is doing.

Focus on yourself as others have suggested. No EA's or PA's recommended but do things for you. I might even go out on a limb and suggest reading MMSL.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I disagree, I think her going on strike is like doing a 180. He needs a wake up call.
> 
> Moreover she has been asking for years for him to focus on their relationship.
> 
> ...


I agree he's messing up and has messed up with certain situations. I also agree he may need a harsh wake-up call that changes need to be made. I feel her frustration and that she's burnt out. Now more than ever, she needs to give EVERYTHING a good hard look. It's also when we've reached this place in the relationship that our injustices become magnified while the good is overlooked. As for the past, she doesn't know whether he cheated or not and that should have been dealt with back then. 

If you read other things she's written - she says he tells her he loves her, that he's attracted to her, that he still hugs and kisses her (I know it's not passionately though), he listens to her and says he wants to change and will give up the porn but doesn't feel she gives him enough time.

This thread is titled "Not sexually attracted to wife" yet it's followed with "_He says he's attracted to me and loves me but he's tired and doesn't think about having sex...but I've caught him watching porn and looking at naked pics on Craigslist."_ Taking him on his word that contrary to her own thoughts, he IS attracted to her and despite him messing up her 30th birthday, that he DOES love her ....yet he's turning to porn. There are issues here for sure but I do not believe it's all one-sided. Wait that sounds harsh and I didn't communicate what I'm trying to get across properly. What I mean is, while she might discover his issues are just his issues and I agree with a previous poster that said he's avoiding the emotional connection with sex; there could be things she could do to help him with this. The approach/patterns developed over the last 2 years hasn't helped with changing anything. 

I agree with Hicks about discovering each others needs. Even though she feels she's meeting his needs, she might be focusing on things that aren't that important to him hence not meeting some of his needs without even realizing.

I also think as hard as it is sometimes, if we really listen to the other person even when it feels like they don't deserve it, we might discover some things we've overlooked about ourselves. It's easy for us to read and think he's a jerk. All he needs to do is stop with the porn, buy her some flowers, make a bit more effort to think of her. And ya know, maybe at the end of the day he is a jerk... but she's still attracted to him. So unless she has some kind of issue that allows herself to be attracted to someone that doesn't treat her well, it's likely she's been feeling somewhat happy in the relationship to still desire him. She cannot change him but she can see if there are things she can do in all of this. If we don't take responsibility for ourselves, how is it reasonable that we expect the other person to?


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## EvanderS (Jul 1, 2011)

I would suggest that he feels hurt by something that you have done... or he feels like you aren't into it. Somewhere along the line the intimacy has been damaged and you probably missed it... and/or you both were trying to be nice and glossed over it. And he's trying to be big about it... so he's withholding his sexual energy from and venting it out in other areas.

It's a theory.

The first thing you have to do before communicating is to build up your mutual trust and your affinity.

After this is established then begin to see if there was something you missed.

I definitely wouldn't go to war. Disarm. De-escalate. Work on breathing as one.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> I agree he's messing up and has messed up with certain situations. I also agree he may need a harsh wake-up call that changes need to be made. I feel her frustration and that she's burnt out. Now more than ever, she needs to give EVERYTHING a good hard look. It's also when we've reached this place in the relationship that our injustices become magnified while the good is overlooked. As for the past, she doesn't know whether he cheated or not and that should have been dealt with back then.
> 
> If you read other things she's written - she says he tells her he loves her, that he's attracted to her, that he still hugs and kisses her (I know it's not passionately though), he listens to her and says he wants to change and will give up the porn but doesn't feel she gives him enough time.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice, in my opinion. I would also like to add that we men can be incredibly immature in these aspects of a relationship. Women seem to explore feelings, and talk about them. There is possibly an aspect where he has no clue what he is really feeling because he just doesn't understand. When you fill in the blanks, stating emphatically that he is bored, when he says otherwise, it generates feelings of resentment in him.

I just want to clarify, though, that this is separated from what he has done wrong and deserves from you. You've been hurt. The only issue is how to get to a good place with this. I usually avoid these threads, but you genuinely seem interested in various viewpoints. I'm personally so bullheaded and alpha that I think my approach to dealing with my wife's insecurities about her weight and body image issues probably wouldn't have worked on anyone but her. She started letting go of her assumption of being unnatractive largely because it seemed irrelevant when she was always trying to get my hand out of her blouse while she was cooking.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thank you all for reading my post and commenting! I wanted to see what other people thought of this situation and I got that! I'm very happy that I was able to see things from all points of view. 

Last night we went out to eat with a couple who just had a baby. It was the new mom's first night without the baby so we had a couple of drinks and good converstaion. I was dressed up and looking cute and I secretly knew that I was going to play hard to get and tease the husband tonight to see what happens. We had been sitting at the table for a while and I reached over and put my hand on his leg and rubbed it with just my finger tips, then moved my hand. He then put his hand on my leg then put his arm around me. We had great sex when we got home...not the sort of passionate, rip my clothes off as we are walking down the hall way, throw me on the bed kind of sex that I would love...it was the same sex that it always is, but it was still good. So this morning I asked him if there was anything he wanted to say to me..anything at all to just clear his mind, get anything of his chest, even if he was afraid it would hurt my feelings..he was also sitting next to me on the couch which never happens. He usually sits on one couch and I sit on the other..just habit I guess. He just looked at me right in the eyes and smiled and said "no, I just want you to be happy". So he went outside to work on the lawnmower and I cooked his favorite breakfast..when he came back in I had his plate ready and told him it was my peace offering. He smiled and said " Hell yeah!" LOL! 
After reading some of the latest posts, I guess I painted a pretty bad picture of him. He's not a bad guy, he's a very good Daddy, he does work very hard to support our family. 

I don't agree with the post that said "it's all Me me me" Well, It is all me me me, It's me doing the sweet, out of the way, thoughtful things for him..never the other way around. Although, I guess last night was a small step in the right direction. He went to the store and brought me back a Blow POP..he used to do that for me when we were dating..and I asked for one the other day so he remembered that. 
So, today I call a truce. I'm starting over. I know he loves me and I know I've been putting presure on him so I'm just going to back off and love him with all my heart and learn to love myself and I'm sure things will work themselves out.

Thanks again for everyones advice!!!
Peace~


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You're sounding more positive which is wonderful.

Although you don't need to agree with what I wrote "It's all about me, me, me" .....everything you want with him is completely valid and you deserve to have your needs met too but if things need to really change between both of you, it may as well be you that puts your best foot forward first. If he'd come to this board and written from his perspective, I'd be saying the same thing. What I meant by this comment was more about how you acted this morning. You gave him an opportunity to open up. You made him his favorite breakfast AND said it was a peace offering. That is huge. IMO it takes a strong person full of love to be able to overcome your own hurt/position to basically say "I'm thinking of you/us, I'm calling a truce." 

It's not going to be an easy journey but it sounds like you're both starting out with good intention. Best wishes to you.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

"You made him his favorite breakfast AND said it was a peace offering. That is huge. IMO it takes a strong person full of love to be able to overcome your own hurt/position to basically say "I'm thinking of you/us, I'm calling a truce." 

THank you for saying that..that was sweet


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Asking him what more you can do for him is the wrong tactic.

You do need IC.

You keep on giving and giving, and as per the advice on this forum, you teased him, you came onto him, and you had so so sex and then he gives you nothing today. 

Every single day both people in a couple need to do nice things for the other. other wise it just doesn't work.

I honestly need to be hugged and kissed and loved every day. If we can't have sex for whatever reason, I still want to feel close and cherished. 

If you stay you will get to the point where you look at him and feel nothing. absolutely nothing. And when he does eventually lose you he will be shocked, because he's self absorbed and lazy.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Well, I take back everything I said about peace offerings and truces...I think its time for emotional war! I cant do this anymore! I cant understand any of this! 

My issue with him is that i NEED for him to be more passionate and interested in me. I keep thinking its coming but itnever does. Ive asked him to please tell me if anything is bothering him...tonight I even said " Are there needs that you have that Im not meeting?" He said no. Then i asked him if it bothers him that I dont cook ever night. He shook his head yes. I said "well then pldase tell me that" He laughed and said " i was jusr kidding it doesnt bother me". What? So today I cleaned house and he worked onthe lawnmower for a little while, then he came in and took a long nap. When he woek up..around 5 he askedif I wanted to go ride 4 wheelers on the hunting land..(I realize that sounds so ******* but I swear I dont wear camo and I have all my teeth). I wanted to spendtime with him so I went. I tried to be teasing like, but I was getting a weird "you are getting on my nerves vibe." I told him this ad he said I was wrong. We had a couple of beers and I was noping he would be feeling a little frisky. We got back home and he never touched me...well...he held my hand while we laid in the bed and then I heard him snoring! We have the house to ourselves tonight and we dont havs to be quiet..im walking around in a cute tanktop that unbuttons down the front and that barely shows my buttcheeks. NOTHING!!! All I freaking want is to feel wanted! I want him to rip my c,othes off, kiss me with passion, rub his hands over my body and tell me how bad he wants me. I want him to pull my hair and passionatly have his way with me. I want him to look at what he is touching ...not just do it under the covers. I just want to feel like he cant resist me and I feel the total opposite... So what do I do. I TOTALLY feel like something is going on with him and Ive tried everything I know kf to try to get him to open up and talk to me. This just feels like such a weird time for us. I donut remember having feeling like this before. I mean tnere have been times hes hurt me..but this feels different. I had to get out of the bed and come to the couch. I couldnt lay there and listen to him breath anymore. I dont want to start a figt tomorrow but it sooooo hard to be nice rigt now. I tried so hard today. I even cooked his favotie breakfast and to,d him it was my peace offering this morning...I got NOTHING! And he got off the hook. I need serious help.

_Posted via Mobile Device_[/sizeo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Syrum..you just hit the nail on tne head. I cant give anymore. Tonight I stood in the door way of the bedroomand looked at him while he was sleeping and I said out load to myself "i hate him" but i dont hate him...thats the problem...maybei should right him a letter...GOD!i just want my husband to want me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advice_Seeker (Apr 26, 2010)

I am having a similar issue with my husband. We have been together for almost 9 years. We had a large disagreement 2 weeks ago. Alot of things got talked about after this and one was that he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. I am over weight and says that he is turned off by my weight. He is still very much inlove with me, and still very 'touchy feely'. Before our disagreement we used to have sex probably once every 6 weeks. Obviously, I know why now. We have had sex once since the disagreement and I found it extremely hard to do it. I need advice.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> Syrum..you just hit the nail on tne head. I cant give anymore. Tonight I stood in the door way of the bedroomand looked at him while he was sleeping and I said out load to myself "i hate him" but i dont hate him...thats the problem...maybei should right him a letter...GOD!i just want my husband to want me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree with Syrum's advice. Mind you, I completely admire anyone who is willing to look at themselves, ask what they're doing wrong first, try to understand the spouse's point of view. 

But. 

After that, you must also be able to assert your own needs and stand up for what's not working for you. You ONLY asked him about HIS needs, did you notice that? And you're hoping that doing more for him will make him automatically want to do more for you. He basically said, "no I'm doing fine. You're trying so hard and I like it. I get everything I want and am not held accountable to do anything for you. It's great!" Then when you realized you weren't getting anything back, you blew up emotionally. You said, "God! I just want my husband to want me." So you're trying everything you can think of and he's complacent. You can't be so needy that you'll be a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself and require it. You need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship OR YOU WILL GET NOTHING IN RETURN (imo). 

You said that you painted a bad picture of him and he's a good daddy and provider. Again, this confirms that he's making the money and even you couldn't find other thing he's done good. He brought you a blow pop? Please. It may have been cute, but did it satisfy your emotional needs? 

:iagree: with Syrum 100%. Individual Counseling may help a lot because you're making yourself into a doormat trying to get what you want out of him, then building hate and resentment between you which will destroy your marriage.

Now, it's time for me to go assert my own needs and tell my hubby what's not working for me!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Roooth said:


> I completely agree with Syrum's advice. Mind you, I completely admire anyone who is willing to look at themselves, ask what they're doing wrong first, try to understand the spouse's point of view.
> 
> But.
> 
> ...



I love it! thank you so much! He wanted me to make him some cookies tonight..but I told him no. He just stood there and looked at me...and said come on...make me so cookies..and I said no..I'm not going to make you cookies..sorry, but I don't believe I will making anymore cookies for a while  I said if you want cookies then I guess you better get busy! ...he got his cookies but it wasn't because I made them! LOL! and it felt good! Then later I was trying to talk to him and he made a face and a sound. I said what? and he said" what, where you about to say something else negative to me?" So then I was like...well, is taking everything I'm saying as being negative towards him and not in a lets work on this together thing?...I just said no, I wasn't..nevermind..So, I start working out with a friend at the Y tomorrow so I'm super excited. But today we were playing around, laughing in the kitchen, and I said something like I'm going to start the Y tomorrow so I get my sexy back for you. He acted like he didn't hear me and started talking about something else. I said "oh, just ignore what I just said" he said I heard your little comment...I already think you are..with a "is that what you want me to say " look on his face. So..I feel like **** about the way I look and I'm so ready to change that!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

And BTW, I'm not huge. I've gained some weight but I carry it well. However, I am at my biggest and he is at his smallest.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Good for you for starting to work-out for YOU!  

Declaring a truce, giving him the chance to open up, thinking of US instead of ME/him, and working out things between BOTH of you, does not (imo) mean bending over backwards for him, or not having your needs met and ignored either. It's just a starting point. His passion for you is not going to be reignited over night, this will take some more patience on your part if you want to improve things together. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

"His passion for you is not going to be reignited over night, this will take some more patience on your part if you want to improve things together" 

Thanks for reminding me of this.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Peace ~

Admittedly, I haven't had time to go through all of your story. But, if your H is anything like my H, he just needs clear communication. Constantly asking about feelings or needs being met or not may not resonate with your husband.

Do you ever just sit him down, and say "Honey, I feel like we are somehow disconnected, and I want us to get that connection back." Give some examples of the disconnection. Just be honest with him. Don't beat about the bush - just be clear. From your conversation points in the last few posts, I'm not sure that I could tell what it is you have a problem with. So, I think clear communication on your part would be a start.

Do you think your husband feels that there's even any problem? If so, does he see it as his problem too, or only something on your end?

Do you think your husband even knows about your desire to "be desired" and chased after? Has he ever been the kind of guy to chase after you like that, or is this a new desire on your part? If it's a new desire on your part, why do you think that is?

Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling with you, or even work through a relationship book, like "His Needs Her Needs" with you? His Needs, Her Needs

Wishing you peace  and prosperity.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> " Are there needs that you have that Im not meeting?" He said no.


This is where you have to start thinking about what you want in life and in a marriage. If one partner is getting their needs met but refuses to meet their spouse's needs, my personal feeling is that the foundation for the marriage is not there. All these books like His Needs, Her Needs spell this out.

I would revisit the comment he made about his needs being met, and ask him if he would like to be in a marriage where he was meeting your needs, but you refused to meet his needs. Would he feel loved, wanted, appreciated? Would he want to stay in that situation?


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> I love it! thank you so much! He wanted me to make him some cookies tonight..but I told him no. He just stood there and looked at me...and said come on...make me so cookies..and I said no..I'm not going to make you cookies..sorry, but I don't believe I will making anymore cookies for a while  I said if you want cookies then I guess you better get busy! ...he got his cookies but it wasn't because I made them! LOL! and it felt good! Then later I was trying to talk to him and he made a face and a sound. I said what? and he said" what, where you about to say something else negative to me?" So then I was like...well, is taking everything I'm saying as being negative towards him and not in a lets work on this together thing?...I just said no, I wasn't..nevermind..So, I start working out with a friend at the Y tomorrow so I'm super excited. But today we were playing around, laughing in the kitchen, and I said something like I'm going to start the Y tomorrow so I get my sexy back for you. He acted like he didn't hear me and started talking about something else. I said "oh, just ignore what I just said" he said I heard your little comment...I already think you are..with a "is that what you want me to say " look on his face. So..I feel like **** about the way I look and I'm so ready to change that!


How awesome that you stood up. I've gotta tell you, it sounds like he was being a spoiled kid not getting you to make him cookies and like he's not used to you NOT doing everything he wants! Good for you!!! It has to be two-way, that's all. And it's super awesome you're going to the gym but I agree with Heartsbreaking - do it for you. Do it to feel good. Do it so you can imagine you're being checked out when you walk through the mall. Do it so your skinny jeans fit! 

I'll be interested to hear how things go as you try to get him to turn around and look at your needs. I hope he does... that he's maybe a little spoiled outside but a good guy inside. *crosses fingers* Good luck!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Roooth said:


> I'll be interested to hear how things go as you try to get him to turn around and look at your needs. I hope he does... that he's maybe a little spoiled outside but a good guy inside. *crosses fingers* Good luck!


:iagree:

You ever hear the saying "Give someone an inch and they will take a mile." I think your dynamic with your H is like this. You've been willing to give, thinking he will give back in return. But he either doesn't want to give back, or he thinks he does give back but it's in other ways than what you need. And you are complicit in this because you have been willing to keep giving.

With the cookie thing - my H is sometimes like that (usually it's about chocolate cake ). Sometimes I'll make him one if I have the time because I do want to please him (and I like chocolate cake myself), but other times, I'll just say - "I don't have a lot of time right now, but if you want to help me right now we could get it done faster" or I'll say "I don't have time right now, but could do it this weekend."

Best of luck.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

UPDATE: I started working out and eatting right on Monday and I've already lost 4lbs. I know it's just water but I already feel better. And I can already tell that I'm not as puffy as I was..all over! I'm so excited about this weightloss and self discovery journey! I'm doing this with my best friend of 16 years and we are having a ball!

The Husband: Not much has changed. We had a huge fight Monday night when I got home from the gym. It was 7:30, our daughter was playing next door, no homework had been done, no dinner started or finished, and the light bulb in the kitchen I'd been asking him to change for 4 days was still blown and he was laying on the couch! So I said something about the light bulb and he got up and changed it. I cooked and did homework with our daughter and he didn't do much of anything. Later that night we had a huge fight about everthing that's been going on. He said the same things I've reported him saying in other posts. However, Tuesday, he sent me a sweet message while we were at work and we made love that night and he even wanted to keep messing around after we were done, which NEVER happens. But, then yesterday I bought $200 worth of groceries by myself, loaded them by myself, unloaded them by myself, and put them up by myself while he sat on the couch and watched TV. He did go outside to smoke while I was bringing them in, but he was just in his boxers so he didn't bother to help..or put on shorts! UGGG! I yelled into the next room " Thanks for helping put up groceries!" He said "hu?" I just didn't say anything. I swear..the problem is him and my daughter are both spoiled rotten! And it's my fault! There are gonna be some MAJOR changes around here!

On a side note, my friend and I were hit on walking in to the gym  And I made sure my husband knew it 

Thanks again for posting your comments!!!!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> UPDATE: I started working out and eatting right on Monday and I've already lost 4lbs. I know it's just water but I already feel better. And I can already tell that I'm not as puffy as I was..all over! I'm so excited about this weightloss and self discovery journey! I'm doing this with my best friend of 16 years and we are having a ball!
> 
> The Husband: Not much has changed. We had a huge fight Monday night when I got home from the gym. It was 7:30, our daughter was playing next door, no homework had been done, no dinner started or finished, and the light bulb in the kitchen I'd been asking him to change for 4 days was still blown and he was laying on the couch! So I said something about the light bulb and he got up and changed it. I cooked and did homework with our daughter and he didn't do much of anything. Later that night we had a huge fight about everthing that's been going on. He said the same things I've reported him saying in other posts. However, Tuesday, he sent me a sweet message while we were at work and we made love that night and he even wanted to keep messing around after we were done, which NEVER happens. But, then yesterday I bought $200 worth of groceries by myself, loaded them by myself, unloaded them by myself, and put them up by myself while he sat on the couch and watched TV. He did go outside to smoke while I was bringing them in, but he was just in his boxers so he didn't bother to help..or put on shorts! UGGG! I yelled into the next room " Thanks for helping put up groceries!" He said "hu?" I just didn't say anything. I swear..the problem is him and my daughter are both spoiled rotten! And it's my fault! There are gonna be some MAJOR changes around here!
> 
> ...


Good for you for getting healthier and fitter and being intimate  As for the groceries, it does sound like your boundaries and consideration to you has been lacking. 

My H and I have always helped one another however I've also discovered that when I refer to him as "my strong hunter-gatherer" with a smile, those groceries get done in no time! It sounds cheesy, it IS cheesy but he likes it. I needed something from the top of a cupboard the other day which I couldn't reach and I called out "I need your big, strong arms to help me!" He was there in an instant to help. He laughed, rolled his eyes and said "You mean you just needed my _long_ arms" I then corrected that I needed his long, strong arms lol ...the thing got done and we started flirting after this. I only say these playfully cheesy comments every now and then but I always see him smile when I do  

Food for thought for after you've established boundaries.


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> What would you say to a 31 year old man who has been married for 11 years to a great 30 year old woman who is very loving and giving, a great mother and friend and very sexual ..he loves her, but he doesn't find her sexually attractive and he only has sex once every week and a half.
> 
> I feel that this is the case with my husband
> 
> ...


I will tell you the simple truth - he is bored with you from a sexual perspective. I will also note that this is not your fault in any way.

Males are genetically hard-wired to seek a variety of females to have intercourse with in order to increase the probability of passing their genes forward. This is one of the reason why males are so entranced by visual images of women and have no real need for an "emotional connection" to have sex. 

Any effort you make to "spice things up" will end in failure because his DNA has already signaled to him that he has spent too much time having sex with you and that he needs additional opportunites with other females in order increase the probability of passing his genes forward. This signal results in him losing sexual interest in you (i.e. finding you a sexual bore) while another male who has never had sex with you may find you very appealing.

As for what the solution is to your problem is I have no idea. This is one of the reasons I do not believe males should ever marry - DNA driven needs. When a male's DNA signals to him that it is time to move on the risk for him eventually cheating on you is extremely high.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What I have learned with my husband, is to ASK him to help me with groceries if he doesn't get up to do it. It's 50/50 around here.

I say it nicely..."Babe, would you help me bring the food in?" He always says, 'Huh? Oh sure!" LOL I honestly think sometimes they just aren't paying attention.

Good job on losing 4 pounds! Try Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com It's helped me lose 39 pounds since January!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> Good for you for getting healthier and fitter and being intimate  As for the groceries, it does sound like your boundaries and consideration to you has been lacking.
> 
> My H and I have always helped one another however I've also discovered that when I refer to him as "my strong hunter-gatherer" with a smile, those groceries get done in no time! It sounds cheesy, it IS cheesy but he likes it. I needed something from the top of a cupboard the other day which I couldn't reach and I called out "I need your big, strong arms to help me!" He was there in an instant to help. He laughed, rolled his eyes and said "You mean you just needed my _long_ arms" I then corrected that I needed his long, strong arms lol ...the thing got done and we started flirting after this. I only say these playfully cheesy comments every now and then but I always see him smile when I do
> 
> Food for thought for after you've established boundaries.


Maybe I'll try this! I'm always telling him how cute or sexy he is..but maybe if I stroke his ego this way I'll get a different reaction!

thanks:smthumbup:


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

NotaGoodSlave said:


> I will tell you the simple truth - he is bored with you from a sexual perspective. I will also note that this is not your fault in any way.
> 
> Males are genetically hard-wired to seek a variety of females to have intercourse with in order to increase the probability of passing their genes forward. This is one of the reason why males are so entranced by visual images of women and have no real need for an "emotional connection" to have sex.
> 
> ...


WOW! this scares me! So now someone tell me how to prevent this from continuing if trying to "spice things up" is no use and he's going to cheat anyways. And why is he bored with me? I've told him I want to try new things..but we did have sex Saturday night and we do it the same way EVERY time. How do I make him not bored? Why does this have to be some complicated? URGGGG!!!:scratchhead:


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

NotaGoodSlave said:


> I will tell you the simple truth - he is bored with you from a sexual perspective. I will also note that this is not your fault in any way.
> 
> Males are genetically hard-wired to seek a variety of females to have intercourse with in order to increase the probability of passing their genes forward. This is one of the reason why males are so entranced by visual images of women and have no real need for an "emotional connection" to have sex.
> 
> ...


What a load of baloney. Men do not need to have sex with various women, they are just taught by society that that is something they should desire.

There are plenty of men and women who go looking outside their relationships. Nothing to do with DNA, more life circumstances and choice. Our DNA does not force our hands.

there are also many men and women who are faithful, and in love, because they make the effort required in their relationships. But it takes two people.

There is evidence now that the more couples focus on each other and meeting each others needs, the more sex they have, the more time they spend doing loving caring things- the more they will bond. Having sex with the same person and doing nice things for them, releases oxytocin and helps cement the bonds between two people.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Syrum said:


> What a load of baloney. Men do not need to have sex with various women, they are just taught by society that that is something they should desire.
> 
> There are plenty of men and women who go looking outside their relationships. Nothing to do with DNA, more life circumstances and choice. Our DNA does not force our hands.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Syrum said:


> What a load of baloney. Men do not need to have sex with various women, they are just taught by society that that is something they should desire.
> 
> There are plenty of men and women who go looking outside their relationships. Nothing to do with DNA, more life circumstances and choice. Our DNA does not force our hands.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Humans have something called 'free will' that allows us to be elevated above the biological.

You do not have to be a slave to your DNA if you so choose.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> What would you say to a 31 year old man who has been married for 11 years to a great 30 year old woman who is very loving and giving, a great mother and friend and very sexual ..he loves her, but he doesn't find her sexually attractive and he only has sex once every week and a half.
> 
> I feel that this is the case with my husband
> 
> ...


I know several cases were a a couple did not have sex at all for more than 8 months because the W was stressed by her new job. You have sex regularly but not often, but things may change. If he is not attracted to you, can YOU can change about something you do/say/dress/behave toward him? Lack of attraction may be an expression for someting else in the relationship.

Nada


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

36-37x/yr is the sex olympics for most people here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misterman (Feb 22, 2012)

The problem you have is common; asking other women questions about why men do what they do. I read the entire thread over time and believe I have a balanced view. IMO, the women who are telling you to trade in your husband for someone else have no clue as to what they're talking about. Why? Because it's something they probably haven't done themselves. It's easier to project what we would like to do onto others, as opposed to doing it ourselves. 

Let's say you leave your guy as suggested by others. You'd only be trading in one set of old problems for a set of new ones. No person is perfect. But let's say there was a perfect guy out there. Why in the world would he want to be with you since you are not perfect? He would be a perfect man linked with an imperfect woman. That relationship wouldn't last very long.

Everyone knows that sex is an important part of a marriage. But it's not the only thing that keeps it going. Does your man seem to respect you? Does he pay bills? Is he a provider? How about good parent? Does he generally buy the groceries? Does he treat you well? If you answered "yes" to the majority of those questions, then you have a good man. If you leave that guy, guaranteed that the next woman will appreciate him. And don't be surprised if the woman egging you to leave him ends up dating him after you walked away. Getting yourself into shape is a great step. You'll feel better, look better and have more energy. Keep in mind that just walking up to your guy and telling him that you're horny and want sex right now is always a good way to increase the number of times you have sex. :smthumbup:


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I think you both got married too young and didn't have enough experience. And now you're both probably a little bored by the relationship. I say you both should figure out how to respark the relationship - maybe surprise him with something he's wanted but you've been reluctant (not unwilling) to try . . . just a thought.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> 36-37x/yr is the sex olympics for most people here


looks shifty, it is?


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## janeauburn (Apr 30, 2012)

I registered just to repond the the message below. It is the closest thing I've found to the truth out of all the message I've read. In fact, the one thing that went through my mind up until I read this was just how clueluess/in the dark most people are about what keeps, or doesn't keep, a relationship vital.

It's going to be hard for you to turn this corner sexually with him, if you haven't given up already. Also, since sex is very much about the mind, your mind connection with him was most probably changed fundamentally when you had a child and went from being lover to mommy. Everything is connected. Can you tap into his sexual fantasies--his porn--and figure out whether those fantasies work for you?




NotaGoodSlave said:


> I will tell you the simple truth - he is bored with you from a sexual perspective. I will also note that this is not your fault in any way.
> 
> Males are genetically hard-wired to seek a variety of females to have intercourse with in order to increase the probability of passing their genes forward. This is one of the reason why males are so entranced by visual images of women and have no real need for an "emotional connection" to have sex.
> 
> ...


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## janeauburn (Apr 30, 2012)

Another great response:



misterman said:


> The problem you have is common; asking other women questions about why men do what they do. I read the entire thread over time and believe I have a balanced view. IMO, the women who are telling you to trade in your husband for someone else have no clue as to what they're talking about. Why? Because it's something they probably haven't done themselves. It's easier to project what we would like to do onto others, as opposed to doing it ourselves.
> 
> Let's say you leave your guy as suggested by others. You'd only be trading in one set of old problems for a set of new ones. No person is perfect. But let's say there was a perfect guy out there. Why in the world would he want to be with you since you are not perfect? He would be a perfect man linked with an imperfect woman. That relationship wouldn't last very long.
> 
> Everyone knows that sex is an important part of a marriage. But it's not the only thing that keeps it going. Does your man seem to respect you? Does he pay bills? Is he a provider? How about good parent? Does he generally buy the groceries? Does he treat you well? If you answered "yes" to the majority of those questions, then you have a good man. If you leave that guy, guaranteed that the next woman will appreciate him. And don't be surprised if the woman egging you to leave him ends up dating him after you walked away. Getting yourself into shape is a great step. You'll feel better, look better and have more energy. Keep in mind that just walking up to your guy and telling him that you're horny and want sex right now is always a good way to increase the number of times you have sex. :smthumbup:


It is a bit scary just how clueless so many of these responses are, though.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

To the OP I've been where you are and it took years to fix it. I won't repeat what others have said but you've gotten some great advice. I would suggest you be careful with the yelling and the sarcasm. It's okay to be upset even angry with your husband and by all means set those boundaries but you need to work on your approach. Nothing kills a mans sex drive more than an angry, sarcastic wife.


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