# Stay at home mom considering separation/divorce.



## Applesauce (Aug 30, 2011)

My husband and I have been married 5.5 years, together 6.5. I am 28 and he is 35. He was married previously to his high school sweetheart (no children). I was a single mom when we started dating with a 10 week old baby. I was trying to be focused on being a great single mom but he talked me into a date and we fell in love right away. He was supportive of me being a very hands on mother and agreed that children should have a stay at home parent. We moved in together after about ten months and were married on our first anniversary. We spent several years in court with my deadbeat ex (his parents paid his child support but he had no contact) fighting for a step-parent adoption which we finally won after four years. During that time we moved from the midwest to the west coast and then from the west coast to Hawaii, and then finally back to the same town on the west coast. The reasons for our moves were a combination of job offers and the furthering of the adoption (it seemed what was best for both situations). We had another child while living on the west coast. Our daughters are 4 & 6.5.

On the surface our marriage looks fabulous, but it is so very dysfunctional. We are very controlling of one another's time, he more so than me (but he also has very little free time because he works 50 hours a week- he also rarely asks to do things on his own and blames me for that somehow). He is very jealous of any time I spend doing anything other than giving him attention. If I'm baking cookies in the evening after the kids go to bed he will hover over me and not leave me alone until it's time for bed. He wont' go to bed without me "because he can't sleep" and will sit around yawning and guilting me into going to bed. He acts annoyed if I do something like paint my nails while we're watching a movie together. If I try to go relax in the tub he'll come in "to wash my back" or if I try to take a nap he'll come rub my back. It seems foolish to complain about being loved too much but his love is truly obsessive. A few years ago I told him that I wanted to start attending church (Quaker Friends meetings, actually) and I was already nervous to tell him because he is a hardcore athiest but his reaction was beyond what I could've expected.... he was SO angry that he left the house. He said I was being unfair because it took weekend time away from him. Is this co-dependent behavior?

Lately he has been treating our older daughter differently. He is very harsh with his expectations of her behavior. He says this is because she is older but she will ALWAYS be older, so will she always have a higher standard? Even if the younger daughter does something wrong it somehow ends up being the older daughter's fault. He denies her affection even when she straight up asks for it and is very affectionate with our younger daughter. He has never treated or saw her as a step-child until maybe the last six months but I absolutely positively cannot tolerate this behavior and stacked with everything else I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like he resents all of the stress he's had to endure and hours he's had to work to reach her adoption (but that was over two years ago). He finally acknowledges that what I am saying about the treatment of our older daughter is true but he doesn't understand why he is doing it.

He truly is my best friend, but I want freedom. I want the freedom to be myself, to have my own hobbies, my own time, my own part time job, my own dreams. I love him to death but I have been smothered. I often think of the rhyme "Peter, Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well." I have wondered if he chose a single mother on purpose, knowing that I would become dependent on him and that he could have me all to himself (by moving around the country). I hate to think of us apart and he is absolutely miserable at the thought. I hate to think of splitting our family, to think of remarrying and blending families. It all makes me sick, but at the same time I feel like I want OUT.

He is definitely interested in marriage counseling, we are trying to find one that can work with his schedule.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It's difficult to be drained of who you are because you are being smothered by someone else. 

Marriage counselling is a great idea. Because from what you've described he doesn't sound like a bad man, but a man of bad habits. He will need to work on his tendency to crush you with attention if he wants to keep you. You really do have to make this clear to him. 

I wish you the best.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Wow, reading your post scares me for you. 

It sounds like you live in a prison at your own home. I think you should look up some info on emotionally abusive and controlling men because I'm positive that your husband has a lot of the traits. I have a suspicion that you are correct on why you think he picked you, you were vulnerable being a new mom and for other reasons. I'm also highly suspicious that he doesn't want you to work and would pitch a major hissy fit if you tried. Keeping you at home keeps you more in his control. He has you completely dependent on him. 

The way he is treating your oldest daughter scares me even more. 

I think your husband is not really your best friend, he is controlling, and manipulating you to bend to what he wants you to be. One way he manipulates you is by trying to throw guilt trips on you and saying, look at everything I've done for you. It's just another control tactic. Has he ever been violent with you or your daughter? 

I think you need to get some IC instead of marriage counseling at this point and also to look up information on emotionally abusive and controlling men.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> It's difficult to be drained of who you are because you are being smothered by someone else.
> 
> Marriage counselling is a great idea. Because from what you've described he doesn't sound like a bad man, but a man of bad habits. He will need to work on his tendency to crush you with attention if he wants to keep you. You really do have to make this clear to him.
> 
> I wish you the best.


From where I sit, he does sound like a bad man. I used to be with someone who was a lot like this and none of it is good for the OP, in fact someone who is that controlling often times takes it to a physical level. 

I have walked in those shoes, so my radar is on high alert with this story.


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## Applesauce (Aug 30, 2011)

*He would NEVER EVER EVER EVER lay his hand on me.* We've had some major blowouts over the years and I am 110% certain I would never be in danger of physical harm.

He really is not a bad man, just a very insecure man. He has never and would never lay a hand on our daughter. We have occasionally used spanking as punishment for seriously bad behavior (this is so, so rare) and he hates to resort to spanking. 

I do agree that he is borderline emotionally abusive but he is so passive about it that it's hard to tell, you know?

I did get a job lately, just this past weekend actually. I am working at a farmer's market stall and get paid a decent wage plus huge amounts of free organic veggies. I loved my day and I had a blast with my co-worker. Of course, he came to see me while I was working which would seem fine but now in the context of everything else seems inappropriate. :/ The next day I didn't want to go to the gym (I had started my period the night before and just felt awful) and he kept insisting that I go with him. He blamed it on being tired from working the day before (I was fine- just very crampy) and wouldn't let up about it. I finally got him out of the house to go by himself but it started a major fight that has lead to my consideration of separation.


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## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

Hi Applesauce, I know people on this site must think I am somehow secretly working for inner bonding, which I do not (!), but I can't resist say it again. Check out inner bonding! I've been reading self-help books for years & IB is the only thing that has really made sense or worked for me. Some people pay to use the site, but you can do this process without paying anything at all & it will still be incredibly useful. It's all about owning and attending to your own emotions & learning how to make yourself happy instead of needing others to do that for you...even in situations where the other person is not owning their own happiness & is "pulling" on you to get his or her happiness from you. One of the things that IB teaches is that you can do the very same thing with light, freeing energy, from a spirit of learning, OR with draining, pulling energy & get completely opposite (positive or negative) reactions from the person you're interacting with. If you are doing whatever you're doing freely, from a spirit of learning, the other person will know & will respond accordingly. Sounds like your husband is doing the opposite! Another thing I've learned from IB is that as soon as you stop trying to control the outcome of your interactions with others, you will feel freer to listen to what you are really feeling & really needing from the other person, and will be able to give that to yourself instead of trying to suck it out of the other person. 

It sounds like your husband is pulling on you for his happiness & that he's trying to "get" something from you every time he rubs your back in the bath, or whatever..love, a feeling of security, whatever. It sounds like he depends on you to complete him or make him happy, and that is never good. He should be able to be happy by himself, no matter how deeply he cares about you & how well your own love or happiness complements his. But you can't control that, only recognize it & work on your own life and happiness. From my experience with IB, it seems that a lot of people living with people like your husband start working on themselves & then the husband eventually follows suit. Good luck! I really hope this will help. Hugs,


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Applesauce said:


> I want freedom. I want the freedom to be myself, to have my own hobbies, my own time, my own part time job, my own dreams. I love him to death but I have been smothered. I often think of the rhyme "Peter, Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her, he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well." I have wondered if he chose a single mother on purpose, knowing that I would become dependent on him and that he could have me all to himself (by moving around the country). I hate to think of us apart and he is absolutely miserable at the thought. I hate to think of splitting our family, to think of remarrying and blending families. It all makes me sick, but at the same time I feel like I want OUT.


Sounds to me like you want to be single. I really wouldn't count on the next guy being too much different


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

He sounds very insecure, dependent on you for validation, and fearful of being abandoned.

Find a calm time and tell him that you love him very much, but you need him to turn down the emotional temperature of your marriage. Here is a link to show him:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

He needs lots of reassurance. Tell him you want your marriage to succeed, and suggest things he can do by himself so he does not look to you for validation.


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