# Lying to keep the peace...until I can tell her I want a divorce.



## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

I guess the title says it all.

I'm lying to my wife, pretty much every minute of every day. She's very insecure and wants constant affirmations- she asks questions like "do you still love me", "you'll never leave me, right?", "always and forever?"...all the frakking time. She IM's me at work & e-mails me when I'm away from my desk (I check e-mail on my phone). And of course, I have to answer in the affirmative every time...I don't know what else to do, since I'm not yet ready to pull the trigger on a divorce.

Somehow I have to keep up the facade for another 6 months, and its getting very, very difficult. Ever since I made up my mind about divorce, all the things that annoy me seem to have gotten worse.

*Some background: *

I've made up my mind about getting divorced, but I'm not ready to do it yet. Part of the problem is finances...I want to make sure that there is a decent chunk of money for the two of us to split, which should only take 3 months or so to stockpile. 

There is also another complication, we planned (and paid for) a vacation with some friends of ours...and I don't want to rob them of that.

The tickets are non-refundable at this point, I don't really care about the money I've spent...but my friends have been saving for a big trip like this for 3 years, and If I bring up a divorce before hand, I'm pretty sure that the whole thing will get canceled. The trip is scheduled for December-January (New Year's in Hawaii). I was planning on just "pretending" through the trip, and then filing for divorce a couple of weeks after we get back.

*Anyway,* I guess I'm just feeling like an ass right now. I never wanted to lie, and I'd like to make this whole thing as painless for my wife as possible...although I know that she'll be devastated. Am I a terrible person for just "pretending" everything is OK in the meantime?

How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore? 

Sorry for the vent...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Acctguy said:


> I guess the title says it all.
> 
> I'm lying to my wife, pretty much every minute of every day. She's very insecure and wants constant affirmations- she asks questions like "do you still love me", "you'll never leave me, right?", "always and forever?"...all the frakking time. She IM's me at work & e-mails me when I'm away from my desk (I check e-mail on my phone). And of course, I have to answer in the affirmative every time...I don't know what else to do, since I'm not yet ready to pull the trigger on a divorce.
> 
> ...


Why are you wanting to divorce! Is there at all a chance of repair? She senses you pulling away, that's why she's so clingy right now. No chance of being honest and working together towards repairing issues? Can I be blunt and ask if you've met someone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Good_Husband (Jun 10, 2011)

How long have you been married? She most likely can sense what is going on, and that is why she is acting that way. I am no expert, but would you consider talking with a marriage counselor before you throw in the towel on your marriage?


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Why are you wanting to divorce! Is there at all a chance of repair? She senses you pulling away, that's why she's so clingy right now. No chance of being honest and working together towards repairing issues? Can I be blunt and ask if you've met someone else?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Naw, she's been this clingy for the whole 11 years we've been married. It's not something new. I had another thread explaining things a couple weeks ago...check here if you want the full background. 

And no, I haven't met anyone else. I'm not having an affair, I've just been very unhappy for a very long time...and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one who has to be responsible all the time. 

I'm tired of marriage.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you are very cruel.

I also think there is more to the story then you are telling.

You made some big mistakes in your marriage and you are blaming your wife. You are probably showing her through your actions that you don't love her like you should and that is why she is clingy.

You also weren't very manly and haven't handled conflict very well. That's not attractive. 

Also you should never ever choose your mother/ family over your wife. If they were doing something to your wife that hurt her feelings, you should have been man enough to let them know it wasn't OK.

You should have also been able to tell your wife that you were not willing to move. And taken control of your marriage and steered it in the right direction.

I really hope you don't marry again, because you are not mature enough to handle relationships, and I feel very sorry for your wife, whos crimes seem to be loving you a lot and being a bit flakey in her direction with studies.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Acctguy said:


> Naw, she's been this clingy for the whole 11 years we've been married. It's not something new. I had another thread explaining things a couple weeks ago...check here if you want the full background.
> 
> And no, I haven't met anyone else. I'm not having an affair, I've just been very unhappy for a very long time...and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one who has to be responsible all the time.
> 
> I'm tired of marriage.


I read your other thread.
Have you been checked for depression? Like if you want out and you're done it is the best for both you and her but....
Why are you being cruel and informing everyone but her 6 months prior? Shouldn't she be the first not the last to know?
You've grown apart - I get that. You're happy where you are, she isn't. If you aren't willing to move and she doesn't like it, then she stays or goes.
You said something in your other thread that's total contradiction. If your wife was unhappy with your mom and grandma, she needed to speak up and deal with her own crap and leave you out of it. Doesn't she kind of deal with things same way you do? Fester and boil but up front - nothing? Did you even say, 'hey grandma, I know it's your house and you can display whatever photo you want, but when we come over, can you put that one away while we visit? It make Jane and me a little uncomfortable'. What grandma does from there her call. I guess too late for that. Not being rude but I am surprised you got anywhere in life with your lazy attitude.
I'm betting you're hoping in the next 6 months she loses interest and dumps you so you once again, don't have to take action.
You want to get out, get out. But do so with class by informing her now. Should have been first person you told not after discussing with friends and mom and grandma. In my opinion, that paints you guys more negatively than her and maybe her feelings of being left out were justified on some level. The thought of you telling mom and grandma and them being ecstatic just puts a bad taste in my mouth. Your friends trip, stock piling money.... All bs excuses. You want out - be a man and tell your wife today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I completely understand about "getting all ducks in a row" before filing for divorce. However, you are never going to be able to pull this off. I really don't think you want to be the bad guy in all of this.....but, that's where you are headed.

You can't sweep your decision under the rug and pretend for six months. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to begin seeing a MC to help with the transition.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Cruel is the word I would use, too. You are hurting her now. Let's face it, you are lying for you.

I would hate you forever if you did this to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

So you're worried about everyone except your wife? The money thing is a nonissue. Divorces aren't usually very quick. Your friends are all adults, they don't need both or either of you to be with them on vacation. Honestly, it sounds like you're making excuses. The sooner you tell her the sooner she can move on and heal. At one point you loved this woman. The least you can do is show her respect by being honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm a big fan of honesty no matter how much it hurts. Your wife deserves to know your plans. She knows you've pulled away so just put her out of her misery and tell her why already.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

I guess my response got deleted. Figures. Anyway, you've both made a mess of things. If you're gonna go back on your vows at least quit lyin and being a coward about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Syrum's post hit the nail on the head. It does sound like something from this story is missing. A big puzzle piece. My spidey sense is tingling.



Acctguy said:


> The trip is scheduled for December-January (New Year's in Hawaii). I was planning on just "pretending" through the trip, and then filing for divorce a couple of weeks after we get back.
> 
> *Anyway,* I guess I'm just feeling like an ass right now. I never wanted to lie, and I'd like to make this whole thing as painless for my wife as possible...although I know that she'll be devastated. Am I a terrible person for just "pretending" everything is OK in the meantime?
> 
> How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore?


I can't think of anything more cruel and cold. Going on a trip and lying in your wife's face for the next 6 months and "pretending" to be into her while secretly you plan your escape.

Be a man. Own what you want. Tell her straight up that you don't love her anymore and want a divorce. Yes, it will hurt her, but it will hurt her worse by lying to her face every day til next year when you hit her out of the blue with divorce papers. That is so cowardly, IMO. 

I read your other thread and didn't see a single nice thing that you wrote about your wife. Do you even like her? If the love is gone, be straight with her, don't deceive her. It's clear you feel trapped in your marriage. So get out. Also I notice you don't say a single thing that is attributed to your part in this. I would advise you to get counselling for yourself and so you can learn something from all of this. 

As far as the family drama--as a woman, I would feel hurt too if I went over to my husband's grandma/mom's house and saw a picture of him with his ex-wife on their wedding day for YEARS after were married. The same ex he was only married to for 6 months. But that is neither here nor there. It sounds to me like your grandma/mom/wife issue got dragged out so long and nobody took action to correct it and thus it snowballed.

Reading your post, I had the same question to as to whether you are having an affair or pursuing someone or have someone else on your mind but I see you already answered that question.

To surmise: If you are done, then my advice is to tell her you want a divorce today and take appropriate actions to end it. Stringing her along and "pretending" would be the absolute worst thing you could do to her. Completely. Not to mention it's a d!ck move.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I think you are very cruel.
> 
> I also think there is more to the story then you are telling.
> 
> ...


You're right. I've never "manned up" in my relationships. My wife treats me like a child. Calls me "her little boy", both in private & in public. She's sugar-sweet around everybody, all the time. She's completely lovey-dovey, all the time (which has always driven me nuts btw). 

I'm not just trying to blame her. I know that I'm plenty responsible for this mess. I had no business being married.

I've tried to keep my posts as succinct as possible...not wanting to write a book and all. But I've had a pretty screwed up life, and don't deal well with emotional...well anything emotional. I don't handle conflict well. I'm inherently lazy, and will take the path of least resistance when it comes to relationships & conflict. I've gotten along for years letting her "plan" a move to various parts of the country, always with a "not until we've paid off the CC..." or "not until after you finish school...". I never had any intent to move, I don't want to. She'd get so depressed when I'd say it that I'd buckle under and tell her the next "maybe after...". I'm sure I've let her believe that things would change. I guess I've been lying for years at this point.

I'm sure I've forgotten to post relevant facts, but I'm not deliberately leaving anything out. I know I'm no angel. I wasn't trying to imply that I wasn't at fault in this.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

And I do appreciate the responses. Even if they aren't what I really want to hear. I wouldn't have bothered posting if I didn't want an outside opinion. 

Maybe I will talk to a counselor. I don't think its going to have any effect on my decision to divorce, but perhaps it will on the way I go about it. I'd really rather just disappear and never deal with it at all.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

She should leave you! Wow. You sure didn't leave her a prayer. Nice. Why not get into therapy and fix yourself and try to do right by this woman. You owe her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Stop slacking and tell her already. You've done enough damage. She deserves better.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> Stop slacking and tell her already. You've done enough damage. She deserves better.



I'm sure you're hurting too - doing the best you can with your emotional tools but free yourself and HER, find a way to fix it or end it NOW. Not 6 months from now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KatGirl (Jun 10, 2011)

AcctGuy,

I applaude you for admitting your faults as well as hers. I'm not as harsh as others on this board because I think it generally takes two to tango and I don't believe you are the only one to blame.

You only have one life. Do you want to remain in the same conditions as you presently are now forever? Not me at all. No way.....
I think you should be frank with her and tell her how you feel and maybe you can work out a way to pay off your bills etc...so you can move on with your life and she can too. Clearly, it's coming to that point so why not slowly start communicating now rather than give her a unexpected jolt. She would at least respect you a tad more and maybe start putting her life in a different order too.

I think everyone deserves to be happy regardless of past behavior. I hope you can find a good resolution that will work for both of you.


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

I think it's funny how if you don't tell them "why" they ask, but if you do tell them "why", you're "blaming" the other person.  
If you tell them your part, as you see it, they tell you to man up, grow up, get over it, etc. Ah, well, that's the difficult part about writing stuff rather than sitting down over a cup of coffee - things get lost in translation.
I think you should open the doors of communication. Just because you tell her you're not happy today doesn't mean that you have to pack your bags and leave tomorrow. Why not at least tell her you're not happy and would like to see a therapist both individual (you probably could benefit), and as a couple. A therapist will help you to say things that you might be afraid to tell her yourself and if you hear things you don't want to hear about your part from your wife, the therapist will be a good mediator. Tell your wife you are not happy, start therapy, tell her you have no intention of walking out on her until you see a therapist and before you know it, 6 months will have gone by anyway, and who knows...maybe you'll have learned a thing or two about yourself, yourself in a relationship, or even find love for her again. That's my 2 cents.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Let me elaborate.

I can relate to the situation, I know how bad it can get, and you're not doing either of you a favor by continuing the lie.

My husband and I worked for years towards what we "wanted" funny part of it was that he never really wanted it and stalled and lied his way through our efforts. Even funnier, is that if he had actually voiced that instead of playing along thinking he was making me happy, we could have avoided our current limbo/separation status all together.

Your wife is feeling your distance. I felt my husbands distance, I tried relentlessly to keep him happy, give him what he needed, open up the door to communicating so we could progress onward. It will not be until you give and explain to your wife that you actually do not want the things she wants and that those are not your goals that progress will be able to be made. If you're not willing, your best bet is to leave now.

This is not to say there doesn't need to be effort on her part. She needs to decide what she wants, from you, from herself, and from her marriage and be able to accept your needs as well. 

You married her for a reason right? and she must have said yes for a reason?

you can help it, if you want to. IF you don't, cut it off now or at least let the woman know. Blame is irrelevant, but no one deserves to be lied to like you've stated.


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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> Let me elaborate.
> 
> I can relate to the situation, I know how bad it can get, and you're not doing either of you a favor by continuing the lie.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the additional detail. I've never known any other way than to just "give in", I've always just whatever I can to try to keep her from being miserable and I just can't do it anymore. It makes breaking things off...difficult. I feel like I've been lying- to everyone- for years. To all outward appearances, I'm sure we look like the happy couple...


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## tobias (Jun 21, 2011)

Hey, AcctGuy:

I am glad to hear that you are considering counseling. There have been many times in my life that I have been seriously depressed. One thing my Dad always told me is never to make a major decision when you are depressed. Divorce is definitely a major decision. From what you have said, I don't suspect the source of your unhappiness is your wife. No marriage is without problems and no one is perfect, but it sounds like your wife really loves you! That is a tremondous gift! Don't make the biggest mistake of your life and lose that! I would highly recommend instead of "faking it", you get real with her and tell her that you are really depressed and unhappy and that you are considering seeking counseling. Don't tell her all the stuff you resent her about. A counselor will help you sift through all those issues that are contributing to your unhappiness so you can deal with them the right way. But, when it's all said and done, it sounds like your wife will stick by you to the end. Keep your head up and know that my prayers are with you.

Peace.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

AcctGuy,

You and I are in very similar situations. I'm pretty sure I know exactly how you feel. Above all else you feel guilty. You have a good life, no, a great life. At least that's what everyone else thinks. And when you think about it logically, like most guys do, you know that you really have nothing, or at least very little to complain about. You have no romantic feelings toward your wife but you are a caring person and don't like to hurt anyone, especially someone you have lived with for so long! You can't come out and tell her how you are feeling unless you are certain because that would cause too much hurt and if you aren't sure why cause that hurt?

I struggled with all of that for 5 months before talking. I regret not talking sooner. There's no right time. When you tell her it will hurt her but it likely won't be as bad as you've imagined. So just do it. 

If you are as much like me as I suspect then... You will at first feel upset for causing so much pain. At the same time you will feel so RELIEVED to have finally told her. And you'll feel incredibly guilty seeing your wife so upset when you actually feel relief. The guilt will increase by a factor of 10. You'll start doubting yourself. You'll do the counseling thing...maybe you should, maybe you shouldn't but you feel obligated.


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