# Birthdays



## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

How important are they for you?
My 40th is on Tuesday. No dinner plans, nothing happened this weekend at all  
His work week starts up again tonight (Sunday) - husband works nights and will be working every night until Thursday. For myself, I took Tuesday off and will probably drive to the city, alone, to shop and get some treats, but he hasn’t even asked me anything. I know he and the kids bought me a gift that’s just sitting in an Amazon box in my living room, but I was thinking my 40th would be something worth celebrating. Am I wrong that this is bugging me?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I don’t know that I consider my birthday important, but I use it as an excuse to indulge. 😬

The past two, which were during COVID, I bought a cake from one of my favorite bakeries, and I ate the whole thing. Breakfast, lunch, dinner - cake. 😅

I understand how you feel. It’s hurtful when we’re dismissed by those closest to us.

What would you like to do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thankfully neither of us are that bothered about things like birthdays, we may have a meal out or something.
Why not arrange something you would like to do. A day at a spa maybe?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m not trying to play devils advocate here but some people (especially women lol) don’t see reaching forty as anything to celebrate. 
Is this a symptom or something else in your marriage?
Do you not feel appreciated in other ways?


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## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m not trying to play devils advocate here but some people (especially women lol) don’t see reaching forty as anything to celebrate.
> Is this a symptom or something else in your marriage?
> Do you not feel appreciated in other ways?


It’s definitely a symptom of not being appreciated. I honestly don’t mind turning 40 - I don’t feel 40 and most of my friends have reached this milestone so it’s all good! With that being said, considering my friends have already celebrated this milestone I’ve participated and attended party after party celebrating them. Their husbands have done amazing jobs so I guess part of it is jealousy too. It’s not just this milestone either. During the pandemic I worked remotely. Since I didn’t have a commute and universities were virtual, I applied to grad school and earned my masters. It was definitely not easy to do my job remotely, handle distance learning with our children, and grad school classes, but I did it! No celebration after that either. I, of course, went out and bought myself something to make myself feel better, but I just honestly am so hurt by this time and time again


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## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Thankfully neither of us are that bothered about things like birthdays, we may have a meal out or something.
> Why not arrange something you would like to do. A day at a spa maybe?


Thank you! I’m taking the day off and heading to the city for some shopping! I would ideally love for him to join me, but he won’t take time off work


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

To me it's just another day


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## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

minimalME said:


> I don’t know that I consider my birthday important, but I use it as an excuse to indulge. 😬
> 
> The past two, which were during COVID, I bought a cake from one of my favorite bakeries, and I ate the whole thing. Breakfast, lunch, dinner - cake. 😅
> 
> ...


Honestly, anything will do! Would love an actual birthday cake that took some thought. I’m known for getting these big, beautiful, custom cakes for my husband and kids and the favor has never been returned. I am taking the day off work to do some shopping in the city, but am bummed that I am doing this alone


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Pinkas said:


> Honestly, anything will do! Would love an actual birthday cake that took some thought. I’m known for getting these big, beautiful, custom cakes for my husband and kids and the favor has never been returned. I am taking the day off work to do some shopping in the city, but am bummed that I am doing this alone


Yay - cake! 🤗💞🎂

I hope you have a great day. Make it special, and take care of yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Pinkas said:


> Thank you! I’m taking the day off and heading to the city for some shopping! I would ideally love for him to join me, but he won’t take time off work


Can you go with a sister/friend/mum?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You are a keeper of days.
I understand this because my wife also is.
I am not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> You are a keeper of days.
> I understand this because my wife also is.
> I am not.


Thankfully neither of us of are really. Yes I remember certain dates but we don't really do much about them. Neither of us are party people either so that was never going to happen on our milestone birthdays.
I would much prefer a trip to a theatre say.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

For my 40th we had a large party at our house with probably 50+ people. Had it catered by a local restaurant. Lots of drinking and crazy behavior.

For my wife’s we chartered a large sailboat for maybe 30 people and sailed to an island park and had a large catered seafood BBQ. This was awesome and expensive. It was fun enough that we’re always thinking of occasions where we can maybe repeat it.

So clearly we agree with you that milestone birthdays can be “blown out the box”, that’s how we did ours.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

If you want no one to care about your birthday, make sure it's right after Christmas and freezing cold and snowy out...... 🙄 😄


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

It depends on the person. It’s simply just another day some would rather forget and it’s special for others. But I think that most want to feel special on that day. But happy birthday early!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

My take on birthdays is "It's your turn to be special!". When I was 4, that was awesome. 

Today I have autonomy to make my life what I want. If my turn to be special counts as a big day, please smother me with a pillow.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Personally, I see nothing wrong with YOU wanting to be treated as special as you make it for everyone else in your family.

You got stuck with a dud for a husband - is he actually going to hand you the shipping box and tell you your present is in it? He sounds like the type who would.

Unless he surprises you on Tuesday and steps up in a big way, then he's just a selfish ass.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

He's your husband. Sometimes men don't "get it". Ask him what he has planned for your birthday. If he says, "nothing", remain quiet. If after a few seconds he doesn't get the message, explain to him that you would like to be appreciated and such.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

*Unpopular opinion warning!!!*

Maybe I am the outlier but I don't understand getting upset because people don't treat you "special" on your birthday. Seems a bit entitled to me. And birthdays themselves make no sense to me either, celebrating a day you can't possibly remember.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am 100% with you one this one. Birthdays are important to me. i go out of my way to plan fun times and get unusual presents. 
then i am pretty disappointed if she does not do the same for me.

i think it is a "five love languages" sort of thing, some people just do not think they are important, while others think they are a really big thing.

what surprises me is that after all these years, they never write themselves a note: "remember my spouse's birthday, and plan a good party!"


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If it was important to you, then you should have spoken up. 2 years before my 50th I told DH I wanted an over the top once in a life time trip planned by him. He stepped up & we went to Hawaii. It was awesome. Had I not said anything nothing would have happened. 

in 2020 my birthday fell just after lockdowns began. He did nothing. Not even a card. OK, maybe not nothing. He ordered take out from a local restaurant I like. It was still pretty lame. So as my birthday approached in 2021 I told him I wanted something. . .a card, a nicer dinner, cake etc. He made that happen. 

So congratulations on all that you have accomplished but learn to speak up. 

It's already Monday. Since nobody else planned anything, now you have to do it. Order a nice cake from somewhere & get take out. Then throw yourself a birthday party!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would discuss this with your H -- you would like to have a celebration for your birthday, so what is he planning?
Maybe it has to wait to the weekend if he is working, but he SHOULD show some sort of appreciation and love for his wife.

Sounds like you have a LOT of comminicating to do -- doesn't sound like it's JUST a birthday issue.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So this came up during pillow talk yesterday. 

My wife says you know your birthday is going to be close to our 25th anniversary (fishing).

I said ok well let’s go to Italy then because I want one of those focaccia sandwiches in Florence. She asks well can we meet my friend such and so over there because she speaks Italian? Sure why not…

She started laughing and said well I was just going to ask you if you wanted to have a large party here but TBH Italy sounds better and you’re the best husband ever.

So easy.

1. I know she wants to go to Italy.
2. I like sandwiches.

Done.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> i am 100% with you one this one. Birthdays are important to me. i go out of my way to plan fun times and get unusual presents.
> then i am pretty disappointed if she does not do the same for me.
> 
> i think it is a "five love languages" sort of thing, some people just do not think they are important, while others think they are a really big thing.
> ...


They're important to my W as well, and I try to think of stuff to do she will like, but it is easier to plan something you like than something you don't. 

When you plan something you like, you have some idea what would make it more fun. When you plan something you don't like, you constantly ask yourself what some other person would like since you think the whole thing sounds annoying.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My birthday is the only holiday that is important to me, and I get bent out of shape when it gets set aside by my small circle of local friends. And I like it ON my birthday, though I am not averse to making a whole week or month of it.

Unfortunately, my birthday is this week and is likely totally derailed since 1) I spent all my money on a roof and hybrid battery and 2) my car is still in the shop going 14 days and counting. I had given up organizing BD dinner with a group of friends, for the most part, after someone ruined it years ago Mexican sombrero and all. So I've mostly been taking myself somewhere like the casino or (used to but can't now) river. Nothing I'd like better than to go to the river, but I'm really probably too far gone physically for it to be safe (full tear left shoulder for example, and busted knees). I really need a river buddy now to be sure I don't lose control of the innertube or can't fight the current walking in it. I guess even if the car gets fixed, I'll be too afraid to drive my car to the zoo until I've tested it well. 

Eventually someone will take me to lunch or dinner, but rarely on the actual birthday, so I just plan for myself. I only hope I can do anything this year because of the car situation. I'll be having a big very entitled (talking to you, Numb) pity party if I have no car and no one shows up to take me out to eat on the day this year. 

Anyway, OP, have a Plan B you can execute yourself ready if they fail.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I had given up organizing BD dinner with a group of friends, for the most part, after someone ruined it years ago Mexican sombrero and all.


DBTR, this sounds like a VERY interesting story -- was Tequila involved?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> DBTR, this sounds like a VERY interesting story -- was Tequila involved?


No tequila on my end. It was really just a ruined birthday for me. I'm always very careful not to tip off the wait staff that there's a birthday going on (because I'm not under 12 years old) and my friends know not to do it but somebody did it. I was not amused and we do not talk about it. It didn't get funnier with time. It's a good thing I wasn't on tequila when that happened. I can't drink tequila. I do just fine with most other liquor, although I never drink anymore, but tequila gives me testosterone or something! It's not pretty so I've only done it twice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I did get my car, so at least I'll be mobile, but already had one person invite and then weasel out (my sister -- I wasn't at all surprised. She's a hermit.) 

I test-drove my car to a suburb where there's a See's Candies and used gift certificates I got from Christmas to order a 2-lb box, so sitting here with a tummy ache


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

When he starts forgetting completely and not getting a gift you can complain. So you've both been working hard - it's not his fault you've been working hard. 
Women appreciate a man who is a hard worker - a hard working woman is not up the top of the list of things men consider important in a partner.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It doesn’t take much effort to do something.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

@Pinkas ...how was your 40th in the end? I hope that you return to provide us with an update.

Birthdays are important to me, and yes, particularly milestone ones. I also enjoy making a fuss of others when it's their birthday too. However, I do also talk about it in advance... bounce ideas with my husband of how I might like to celebrate (such as preferring a certain activity with him over a party, that kind of thing). He then arranges or adds other aspects around this. And vice verse.

When working from the office, a team member was turning 40 and because I personally get excited-pants about these things for other people and she decided not to take the day off, I arrived early and decorated the heck out of her desk, got others involved, some arrived with a cupcake or small gifts... she loved it. And I also knew that she would be okay with being celebrated in that way. However, it was a bit of a non-event for her at home. She did express disappointment. Yet, I'd also consider her to have a supportive marriage in different ways. I don't know what the answer is for you, however, depending on how other aspects of your marriage and dynamic is, I would suggest trying not to disregard what you do have either. Could there simply be another way of approaching this together?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> When working from the office, a team member was turning 40 and because I personally get excited-pants about these things for other people and she decided not to take the day off…


In my office we did terrible things like sealing the person’s cube off with packing wrap and filling it completely with packing peanuts or taking their keyboard away and sticking it in a large pan full of water then freezing it overnight and replacing it the next morning with the frozen one. Fun times…


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

Pinkas said:


> How important are they for you?
> My 40th is on Tuesday. No dinner plans, nothing happened this weekend at all
> His work week starts up again tonight (Sunday) - husband works nights and will be working every night until Thursday. For myself, I took Tuesday off and will probably drive to the city, alone, to shop and get some treats, but he hasn’t even asked me anything. I know he and the kids bought me a gift that’s just sitting in an Amazon box in my living room, but I was thinking my 40th would be something worth celebrating. Am I wrong that this is bugging me?





Pinkas said:


> How important are they for you?
> My 40th is on Tuesday. No dinner plans, nothing happened this weekend at all
> His work week starts up again tonight (Sunday) - husband works nights and will be working every night until Thursday. For myself, I took Tuesday off and will probably drive to the city, alone, to shop and get some treats, but he hasn’t even asked me anything. I know he and the kids bought me a gift that’s just sitting in an Amazon box in my living room, but I was thinking my 40th would be something worth celebrating. Am I wrong that this is bugging me?


I got absolutely nothing from my husband, kids or family for my 40 th. Not one card apart from a birthday card from a nursing agency signed by the office staff I didn’t know (which was nice nonetheless) I organised a huge party for him when he was 40 a few years before.
I would have been quite happy with a few cupcakes and a candle. But nothing. This was the beginning of the end in my opinion as I was so upset he just could not be bothered. I have always made a birthday cake each year for my husband and made him feel special ( for 20 years). This milestone for me was the beginning of the end. I divorced him 10 years after.


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## blhp (Aug 18, 2021)

Pinkas said:


> How important are they for you?
> My 40th is on Tuesday. No dinner plans, nothing happened this weekend at all
> His work week starts up again tonight (Sunday) - husband works nights and will be working every night until Thursday. For myself, I took Tuesday off and will probably drive to the city, alone, to shop and get some treats, but he hasn’t even asked me anything. I know he and the kids bought me a gift that’s just sitting in an Amazon box in my living room, but I was thinking my 40th would be something worth celebrating. Am I wrong that this is bugging me?


I'm sorry there's nothing special on your birthday planned. I normally would post on fb that it's my birthday and I'll be excepting birthday wishes all month long. Perhaps post to your friends that you'd like to go out to celebrate with them or all your friends having birthdays that month. All Virgos, Leo's, etc. Btw. Happy birthday. 😉👍


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