# Long(ish) distance?



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey there,

I've recently joined Match.com, and have been having a good time meeting new people and going for a few coffees. I've met someone pretty nice, and he lives about an hour away from me. I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation with dating someone who isn't local. We aren't dating per say, right now just hanging out a bit and getting to know one another, but the potential is there, at least on my end. He lives on a farm and has his 2 kids every second week. Him and his wife co-parent amicably and get along great (apparently, because I can only go by what he tells me). His kids are fourth generation family in the community that they live in, so chances are they're staying put. I'm not 100% sure about an eventual move, and yes I know I'm thinking WAY into the future, but I feel that I have to think of all avenues before getting serious. My job would be the #1 thing keeping me from moving. BUT, while I love the place that I work at, I don't love, or even enjoy, what I do.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

An hour isn't that far (unless you're driving on icy roads). In many big cities you'll drive that far as part of your daily commute. However, the real question to ask is are you looking to meet someone and have a LTR or are you just dating for fun? If it is for a LTR then the distance should be less important than finding a great match. If it is just for fun then keep it convenient and try to date within whatever range you find convenient to drive.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Good point, @Bananapeel. Initially, he had asked about doing the FWB thing and seeing where it goes. After quite a few years of having a sad sex life, I'm open to doing that and seeing where it leads. However, in the long run, I'm after a LTR with a good match.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Good point, @Bananapeel. Initially, he had asked about doing the FWB thing and seeing where it goes. After quite a few years of having a sad sex life, I'm open to doing that and seeing where it leads. However, in the long run, I'm after a LTR with a good match.


 Ok so he isn't interested in a proper relationship, just sex. Is that the sort of man you want to get to know?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

An hour is nothing. A man in my family dated a girl who lived 4 1/2 hours drive away and was at uni 2 1/2 hours away. They are now happily married. Another female family member hs been dating a man who lives 3 hours drive away for a few months now. They usually meet half way between the two. A friend's son has just married a lady he met on line who lives in Ireland while he lived in the south of England, before that he dated a lady from Scotland. 
I think you are right that being he has children he wont want to move far away, but an hours isn't far. When I met my husband we lived 45 mins drive away. I didn't have a car so he used to come and see me. When we married he came and lived with me and my 2 younger children(then young adults).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ursula said:


> However, in the long run, I'm after a LTR with a good match.


In the long run, I was also after a LTR. In the short run, having a good time was a great antidote to a bad marriage. My two best matches were 100 mi. and 170 mi. away. One was a long term FWB/poly situation, and the other became my wife.

Only you can decide if he's worth it, but an hour isn't that much, especially for weekends - and even makes an occasional weekday possible (especially if you meet in between).


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I’m a big believer in where there’s a will there’s a way.

If you like and enjoy this man’s company ...an hour is peanuts, hopefully he reciprocates the drive too occasionally.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Good point, @Bananapeel. Initially, he had asked about doing the FWB thing and seeing where it goes. After quite a few years of having a sad sex life, I'm open to doing that and seeing where it leads. However, in the long run, I'm after a LTR with a good match.


Hey I know exactly how you feel. This is your chance to find out what you like. You get to (re)discover your sexual identity and a LDR might be just the way to find out. You wouldn't have to worry about bumping into each other when you are out, You can enjoy the sex (if it is enjoyable) without the pressure and expectations that come with a relationship. The fact that you are open to it means you have thought about. If I were you, I would go the FWB route and see where it leads. The shamers will tell you otherwise, but you are grown woman, who should embrace your sexuality for perhaps the first time. 
Having been in a sex less marriage for many years, you lose a sense of who you are and what you want and you might even discover a few things you didn't even know you want. I wouldn't let an hour stand between you and possible happiness. But just keep things on the down low for a while. Don't get to caught up with feelings to soon (or at all)


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Ursula said:


> Hey there,
> 
> I've recently joined Match.com, and have been having a good time meeting new people and going for a few coffees. I've met someone pretty nice, and he lives about an hour away from me. I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation with dating someone who isn't local. We aren't dating per say, right now just hanging out a bit and getting to know one another, but the potential is there, at least on my end. He lives on a farm and has his 2 kids every second week. Him and his wife co-parent amicably and get along great (apparently, because I can only go by what he tells me). His kids are fourth generation family in the community that they live in, so chances are they're staying put. I'm not 100% sure about an eventual move, and yes I know I'm thinking WAY into the future, but I feel that I have to think of all avenues before getting serious. My job would be the #1 thing keeping me from moving. BUT, while I love the place that I work at, I don't love, or even enjoy, what I do.


An hour? That's nothing.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My opinion on FWB is they are perfectly fine if that is what both people want. The problem arises when one wants to keep it FWB and the other wants it to develop into a real relationship. The best thing in these situations is to decide for yourself what it is that you truly are looking for and then don't compromise on that. If you are really looking for a LTR and he's only going to be a FWB then it's best to date someone else that has similar relationship goals. I personally have a written down list of characteristics I want in my ideal woman and if a woman I'm seeing doesn't have most of those characteristics I'm not going to be willing to get into a LTR with her. In those situations I'll usually just propose casually dating/FWB relationship; if the woman is getting too attached I'll stop seeing her. Now for the right woman the distance doesn't really matter to me. But for a FWB I want her to be convenient and local (i.e. within the same city) because finding a local FWB is very easy so there is no need to travel for that. 

My suggestion is only give your time to those people that are worthy of it. A FWB is probably not worthy of a 1 hour drive each way but a potential LTR probably is. If you just want sex, then local is a much better choice.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

cma62 said:


> I’m a big believer in where there’s a will there’s a way.
> 
> If you like and enjoy this man’s company ...an hour is peanuts, hopefully he reciprocates the drive too occasionally.


Yes, so far, he's the one to has come to the big city to see me. It also helps that his work is way closer to my house than his!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Hey I know exactly how you feel. This is your chance to find out what you like. You get to (re)discover your sexual identity and a LDR might be just the way to find out. You wouldn't have to worry about bumping into each other when you are out, You can enjoy the sex (if it is enjoyable) without the pressure and expectations that come with a relationship. The fact that you are open to it means you have thought about. If I were you, I would go the FWB route and see where it leads. The shamers will tell you otherwise, but you are grown woman, who should embrace your sexuality for perhaps the first time.
> Having been in a sex less marriage for many years, you lose a sense of who you are and what you want and you might even discover a few things you didn't even know you want. I wouldn't let an hour stand between you and possible happiness. But just keep things on the down low for a while. Don't get to caught up with feelings to soon (or at all)


Uh yes, it's very, very enjoyable! :smile2:

When I was married (okay, technically, I still am, and will be until probably September of this year). But, when STBXH and I were together, my sex drive was greatly diminished. Like, to the point where I was happier without having to do the actual act of intercourse. I didn't think my drive would come back, but came back it did, with a vengeance. It used to always be high, and this man 100% matches it. It's fantastic! And to boot, I really like what I know of him so far.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> My opinion on FWB is they are perfectly fine if that is what both people want. The problem arises when one wants to keep it FWB and the other wants it to develop into a real relationship. The best thing in these situations is to decide for yourself what it is that you truly are looking for and then don't compromise on that. If you are really looking for a LTR and he's only going to be a FWB then it's best to date someone else that has similar relationship goals. I personally have a written down list of characteristics I want in my ideal woman and if a woman I'm seeing doesn't have most of those characteristics I'm not going to be willing to get into a LTR with her. In those situations I'll usually just propose casually dating/FWB relationship; if the woman is getting too attached I'll stop seeing her. Now for the right woman the distance doesn't really matter to me. But for a FWB I want her to be convenient and local (i.e. within the same city) because finding a local FWB is very easy so there is no need to travel for that.
> 
> *My suggestion is only give your time to those people that are worthy of it. A FWB is probably not worthy of a 1 hour drive each way but a potential LTR probably is. If you just want sex, then local is a much better choice.*


Point taken, and that was good advice. I want LTR in the long run, but am okay with more casual right now, possibly leading into LTR. It's something that we would have to talk about, and I don't really know if it's too early to bring it up. I could just ask him what he's after though; that would work.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Point taken, and that was good advice. I want LTR in the long run, but am okay with more casual right now, possibly leading into LTR. It's something that we would have to talk about, and I don't really know if it's too early to bring it up. I could just ask him what he's after though; that would work.


Normally I would agree with BananaPeel, but in this case not so much. A LDR for a FWB might be a great thing for you. In this case you can have your cake and eat it too! If things don't work out and it ends, you don't have to worry about bumping into each other in awkward situations such as when you are out with another. Also you would be able to protect your reputation without polluting the local supply if that makes sense. 
For whatever reason, some men (and many women) get upset if you exercise your sexuality. They (especially older people) frown upon a FWB situation and may not be open to a relationship with you if you have been in one. So I say enjoy! What do you have to lose?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula,

There are positives and negatives to every situation, and you get to choose if the negatives overweigh the positives or if the positives make the negatives irrelevant. In this instance, an hour really isn't that far (it's a decent drive) and the friendship and companionship seems well worth the drive to my mind. In addition, there are a number of ways to stay in touch between visits--so the positives sound pretty positive. 

On the negative side, I hear some concern about balancing the FWB idea with the LTR idea. Here's the thing--sometimes people are purely friends, and just understand each other and are there for each other. Sometimes there's attraction and between consenting adults free to enter into that kind of enjoyment--no harm no foul! And sometimes the friendship and attraction join with a really strong emotional connect and it turns into love. But you are well within your rights to choose if you want friendship....if you want sex...or if you want the whole enchilada. It's up to you. Once you've figured out what you want, just share that with him and let him share back what he wants. It may match. Even if it doesn't you'd honestly know where you stand and you can then choose if you want to consider his option. If is does match--oh baby! There you go! It turned into a positive! 

One hour? Yeah--that can be worked out. I say go for it.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I would never travel more than a half hour. 20 minutes is pushing it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I've been in a relationship with my SO for 2.5 years. We live an hour and ten minutes apart. We see one another on weekends and, depending on work schedules, once during the week. We are together essentially 3-5 days per week. It's not ideal, but it's working fine so far.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks for the thoughts guys! The distance was the biggest worry here, but by the sounds of it, things can work out, even when distance is involved. Now the next step is to find out where his head is at.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Now the next step is to find out where his head is at.


Hopefully in the same place, otherwise there will be even more travel involved.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Hopefully in the same place, otherwise there will be even more travel involved.


That took me a second and a couple read-throughs, but... :rofl:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Longish distance man came over on Friday evening for a movie night. I got up the nerve to ask him about where his mind was at (still on FWB of had his mind changed at all). His mind is still on FWB for the moment, and he mentioned that he doesn't have a lot of time to date someone at the moment due to him having his 2 kids every second week, and he also takes on extra work in his field on his child-free weeks. I get it; I'm busy too with my FT job and 2 small side businesses. But, still think I could make time for the right person. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed (I'm SO disappointed!). He knows I'm looking for more, and would like to continue on as we are. We enjoy each other's company, and have fun together. I just worry that feelings for him will continue to develop, and that there will be nothing but hurt in the end. But then, maybe once we hang out more, he'll change his mind and realize that I'm not a cling-on kind of woman. False hope? 

In the meantime, I continue to go on coffee "dates"; some decent, some not so much!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Longish distance man came over on Friday evening for a movie night. I got up the nerve to ask him about where his mind was at (still on FWB of had his mind changed at all). His mind is still on FWB for the moment, and he mentioned that he doesn't have a lot of time to date someone at the moment due to him having his 2 kids every second week, and he also takes on extra work in his field on his child-free weeks. I get it; I'm busy too with my FT job and 2 small side businesses. But, still think I could make time for the right person. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed (I'm SO disappointed!). He knows I'm looking for more, and would like to continue on as we are. We enjoy each other's company, and have fun together. I just worry that feelings for him will continue to develop, and that there will be nothing but hurt in the end. But then, maybe once we hang out more, he'll change his mind and realize that I'm not a cling-on kind of woman. False hope?
> 
> In the meantime, I continue to go on coffee "dates"; some decent, some not so much!


yes, false hope, sorry. You may well end up having your heart broken, he is clearly after casual sex only.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Longish distance man came over on Friday evening for a movie night. I got up the nerve to ask him about where his mind was at (still on FWB of had his mind changed at all). His mind is still on FWB for the moment, and he mentioned that he doesn't have a lot of time to date someone at the moment due to him having his 2 kids every second week, and he also takes on extra work in his field on his child-free weeks. I get it; I'm busy too with my FT job and 2 small side businesses. But, still think I could make time for the right person. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed (I'm SO disappointed!). He knows I'm looking for more, and would like to continue on as we are. We enjoy each other's company, and have fun together. I just worry that feelings for him will continue to develop, and that there will be nothing but hurt in the end. *But then, maybe once we hang out more, he'll change his mind and realize that I'm not a cling-on kind of woman.* False hope?
> 
> In the meantime, I continue to go on coffee "dates"; some decent, some not so much!


In dating, it's best to take people at face value and not get wrapped up in a fantasy about how things would be if they'd just change.

And it's good and healthy to honor your desire to be in a serious relationship. It's certainly more genuine than acting like FWB is totally fine with you, when clearly it's not.


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