# Very long, please read. How do I deal with my insecurity???



## The invisibleman (Aug 16, 2010)

:scratchhead: Okay, here is the rundown, i have been trying for some time to repair the once blissful, trustful relationship with my wife. (Please see my earlier thread; "my wife is very distant from" for more details if you feel the need to). 

It has came to my own attention that I am very insecure with my wife's and my relationship. It has'nt always been this way, I used to trust her, she has never given me a reason not too. She has never cheated on me, yet I cannot shake the insecure thought that she is seeing someone else. 

It dosent help any that we are going through some hard times in our relationship right now, (weve been together for 9 yrs, married for 3 yrs, and had our fisrt born daughter together, she is 5 yrs.) due to this we have little communication, and I think she intentially dose little things to trigger this emotions just to display her point to me, however "if" this is true, it is not helping me cope with my personal flaw, yet just intenseifing it more by creating these thoughts for me. For example, I get her coffe in the morning, we become intamite, afterwords I ask if she has any plans for the day and dose she want to have lunch? she replies 'I have no plans for the day, maybe well go out for lunch, can you take [our daughter] to school so i can sleep in? maybe we can have more fun when you return" upon my return home, to my dismay, I arrive though the door alrady making conversation to her, only to realize that, she is gone, no note, no call, no answer on her phone (for she claims Im not allowed to have her phone number due to my insecurity) she was just ...gone. Later in the day I inquire where she had gone on such short noticed, and she was reloctant to tell me at first, until she replied "my mom". Im rather close with her mother, so when I call her to confirm this with her now, Im insecure again.

I do feel insecure, I tell her this, she could simply remedy this by setting me down and having a civil adult talk, yet she chooses to play these games, which just help create more dilousions for my mind, and then tells me how insecure I am, which just lowers my confidence even more. All I would need to hear is "baby, you have nothing to worry about" instead of "you are so insecure it drives me nuts"

Also I should disclose a relevant issue from the past. As I said, to my knowledge she has never cheated on me, no major red flags, or given me any major reason to thinks she has or would. Yet, when we were dating (beofre engagment, marriage and children) I did have a fling with my ex (at the time was my first high school love) she had found out, she felt betrayed naturally, we stopped dating for a few months. When we got back together I swore to her that i would never stray again, for at this point I realized what I was loosing and how much I loved her. We took it slow, I never talk to my ex again after that, she tried very hard to track me down yet I told my friends and family not disclose my whereabouts for I wanted nothing to do with her. After a while a propsed, due to this she made me wait, eventually we tied the knot. Now 9 yrs later, she still brings it up a least once a month, she even told our daughter about it which really disturbed me. HELP!!!!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you should see a psychologist about your insecurities and you both should see a marriage counselor.

I can't tell whether you have driven her over the edge or if she if messing with you but you both need to sit down with a professional who can guide the conversation in a neutral setting.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Insecurity can annoy the partner that is secure. However, the way she is handling it is not appropriate. I myself have insecurities. My boyfriend does not go out of his way to make them worse. While he doesn't always go out of his way to make them better either (mainly because, like me, he agrees that they are my issue to deal with), he doesn't deliberately TRY to make me feel worse. 

First of all, the phone number thing...that's crap. You are a married couple. To keep a phone number a secret like that is just wrong. You need to be able to get in touch with her in case there is an emergency with your daughter, or for a hospital to reach her if you were injured. There are countless reasons to have that phone number, including just basic respect and courtesy. I would put my foot down on that and tell her that she needs to give you the number. 

Leaving with no note or anything...Again, basic respect and courtesy. She knew you were coming home, expecting you to be there. Respect and courtesy says she should have left a note. And not telling you where she was...I don't expect my boyfriend to account for his whereabouts 24/7, but I do expect him to give me a general idea of where he's going and when I can expect him home. Not because I don't trust him, or because I need to know where he's going, but so that I would know at what point to worry because he's not back yet, and where to go looking for him if I fear something has happened to him. Also, so I can plan meals and such to allow for his arrival back at home, or eat without him if I know he'll be that late.

Combining all of that stuff with the fact that she told your daughter (your *5 year old daughter*!!!) that you cheated, it seems to me she's not only deliberately trying to make your insecurities worse, but is trying to seriously screw with your mind. I would not put up with it anymore. I would tell her what you expect to change, and if she won't do it, then stop wasting your time and move on. It's not worth it.


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