# long story, but, opinions?...



## Caledonianguy69 (Sep 22, 2018)

Myself and my wife have been together 26 years, married 18 years and we’re 44, so obviously got together young. 3 kids....16, 12, 10. On the whole, we’ve got on well, been successful, a good team and believe it or not, do love each other. I’ve come to realise through my wife, that amongst my many failings, that I have huge problems dealing with and showing my emotions, lying too easily and communicating. She is the opposite. My whole family are also like me too. 

My wife has never been with anyone else but me and other than a fairly recent emotional affair, which pales into insignificance in comparison with my misdemeanours, has been loyal. Myself on the otherhand have cheated almost right through the relationship, mostly with escort girls, and I’ve hidden it very well, right up until a few months back. 

I’ve tried to figure out why I’ve behaved so badly, I know my wife deserves so much more, but at times I’d justify my behaviour to myself, other times be consumed by guilt or shut it off altogether as if it hadn’t happened. Eventually, I end up repeating it. 

After a great first 5 or 6 years together, and prior to being married, I had to go away for a week and ended up falling head over heels for another girl and cheated for the first time. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. She ended her own relationship on the back of this. I came back home miserable and my other half knew I wasn’t right. I struggled. I still loved her but was very confused, and immature looking back. A week later, my partners brother and sister were tragically killed. I didn’t talk about my feelings and gave her all the support I could. I cut off contact with the other girl, which killed me, but told myself I would be stupid to throw away what I had and that I’d made a mistake. I still think of the other girl almost every day.

A few months later, i proposed. A year later, married. A year after that, first child. My wife changed as a person just prior to marriage, into someone that was often extremely depressed and angry. Kids compounded this. I gave all the support I could and worked hard for the family.i didn’t blame her but at times resented her as she didn’t like me having any hobbies or interests. Even time spent with the kids I’d feel guilty about. 

What I couldn’t do was stop cheating. Countless liaisons with escort girls followed over the years. Luckily, I never picked anything up or passed it on. My sex life with my wife remained pretty healthy. Eventually, I became sloppy, and she suspected. I confessed to one encounter. In truth, I couldn’t even count them if I tried. She was devastated. Thoughts of telling all quickly evaporated. Stupid as it sounds, I never quite understood until recently, but it’s the lying that has caused the biggest problem for her, and our relationship. The trust is gone and she really struggles to get over it. She also toils with regret over never having lived a life prior to marriage. 

I’ve made that sound all rather horrific. And it is to a degree but we do have fun together, do look after each other and do still love each other. My wife is soft, gentle and caring. We are talking about whether it’s right to split though as there’s periods of bickering and feelings of regret from both. If my wife knew the whole story the decision would be easy. It would also knock her confidence to pieces forever and cause so much upset. I feel I owe her to leave and give her chance of better but she worries she’ll be left on the shelf and it would kill her if I found someone. I wouldnt ever want her to be miserable. It’s so messed up and hard to see anything but hurt.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think you should leave. She shouldn't have to be with a man who has had sex with too many escorts to count during the marriage, whether she knows it or not. 

You already put her on a shelf.

Do her a favor and leave. I'd be horrified to be married to a man who had been with multiple escorts. Horrified is actually too weak of a description.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Caledonianguy69 said:


> I’ve tried to figure out why I’ve behaved so badly, I’d justify my behaviour to myself, other times be consumed by guilt or shut it off altogether as if it hadn’t happened. Eventually, I end up repeating it.


You can "try to figure out" no more. You have given yourself the 3 answers to that question, and to why you repeat it. If you want to continue to behave in this way, then just keep doing these 3 things. If you want to correct your behavior, then you must:

1) refuse to justify yourself, recognizing that you have NO SUCH AUTHORITY to do so;
2) allow yourself to accept God's forgiveness as the basis for your justification, recognizing that you do not deserve it;
3) stop "shutting off" those reminders. They are God's way of "reaching" you, He wants to SAVE you from your sins. Respond towards Him.



Caledonianguy69 said:


> If my wife knew the whole story the decision would be easy. It would also knock her confidence to pieces forever and cause so much upset. I feel I owe her to leave and give her chance of better but she worries she’ll be left on the shelf and it would kill her if I found someone. I wouldnt ever want her to be miserable. It’s so messed up and hard to see anything but hurt.


Make no mistake about it. There is nothing but hurt, if you limit your choices to "stay" as you are, or "leave". And, the end of those two "doors" is hurt.

There is, however, a third "door". It is the most difficult door, and, to be sure, there is hurt behind it...but there is, to follow hurt, redemption.

This door is going to be difficult for both you and your wife, both of you will have to do "heavy lifting". This door will require you to do those 3 steps I already described for you, and a fourth, which is for you to BECOME the husband your wife deserves.

Honestly, sir, this is what you owe your wife. Think back upon what you promised her....it was that you would pick door #3.
You never promised, but I think you, if you look inside, you will understand that door #3 is what you owe to your kids, too.

Two of these doors are "bankruptcy". This third door requires that you use your courage and your determination as a man, and become RESPONSIBLE for the outcome of your marriage and the lives of your children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right that the lies and secrets are what broke you and your marriage. That's what they do. And yes, your cheating and dishonestly/lies have injured your wife. It has a lot to do with her depression.

I've experienced what you wife has dealt with. It's crazy making. On some level I knew something was not right. It was like living in a house infested with poltergeists. I could feel them all around me. I knew that there was something there that haunted me. But I could not see them. And not being able to see them I could not name them and deal with them. That's what living with a lying, cheating spouse feels like. And yes it's crazy making and can easily lead to depression and other issues.

*The Policy of Radical Honesty*

Have you stopped the cheating?

That woman who you cheated with when you went away for a week, did she know what you were in a relationship with your wife? 

You act like that relationship was so special and like you loved that women. Do you even realize that you did not love that woman? Do you realize that you did not even know who she really was? What you felt was not love. It was a surge of brain hormones. See when you meet someone and have a fling like that, it causes your brain to produced an uptake large quantities of dopamine and oxytocin. The dopamine causes a state of mind similar to a cocaine high. The oxytocin makes you bond to the woman and makes the experiences with her see wonderful and intoxicating. It was as best an infatuation. You were on a high with that woman and you miss the high, not her. But, the problem with it is that it gave you an experience that pales your experience with your wife (your then girlfriend) because that sort of dopamine/oxytocin high only occurs in the first few months of being with someone. After that time period the high (infatuation) goes away. You created a standard in your head that your wife could never live up to.

You should leave your wife. You have used her, lied to her, mistreated her for decades. She deserves better. She's still young and could find someone who will appreciate her, treat her well and actually love her.

If you stay with her, you need to tell her the entire truth. That way she can decide with she wants to do. By lying to her all these years, you have take away her right to decide her own fate from her. People who do what you do are users. You live your life cheating, lying but keep your spouse in the dark so you can use them to have a home life, children, etc. For once, let your wife make her own choices based on reality.

Does your wife have a job? Or is she a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@EleGirl He has two identical threads going--can they be merged?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Caledonianguy69 said:


> M
> 
> If my wife knew the whole story the decision would be easy. It would also knock her confidence to pieces forever and cause so much upset. I feel I owe her to leave and give her chance of better but she worries she’ll be left on the shelf and it would kill her if I found someone. I wouldnt ever want her to be miserable. It’s so messed up and hard to see anything but hurt.


She was married for a number of years--sort of. Caledonianguy was NOT married but--a serial cheater--why ever did you 'marry' her in the first place? I'm thinking you wanted to tie her up while you lived the single life. Think how much time, effort, money you have stolen from her--not to mention trust. 

This debacle is heart-breaking and I wonder how you look at yourself in the mirror. Tell her the truth, she deserves to know exactly what you are. You make this sound like you have concern for her, but actually it is all about you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Many here will urge you to do an immediate full disclosure. 

I would urge putting that plan on hold for the moment however and would instead recommend seeking individual therapy first to find out why you are indulging in such self-destructive behavior and to get a handle on it and get control over it first. 

Otherwise all that will come of disclosing it is either she giving you the boot or you leaving. Without treatment and control over your behavior, both of those outcomes would likely send you into a tailspin of completely out of control behavior and you'd either die of AIDS or hepatitis or from getting your throat slit or shot by Guido the Killer Pimp.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I kind of agree with oldshirt, but at the same time, Jesus, man, what kind of person ARE you? Sounds like your whole family is dysfunctional and you just never learned anything better. 

I see a TEENY TINY shred of hope of salvaging this marriage, but it will require you completely dedicating yourself to making up for the crap you've put her through (most of which she isn't even aware of).

If you tell her right now, it will be for YOUR benefit, not hers. Which is just another selfish act.

Do the therapy, ask for the harshest assessment and homework from the therapist, and try to make the second half of your life make up for the first half.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Caledonianguy69 said:


> Myself and my wife have been together 26 years, married 18 years and we’re 44, so obviously got together young. 3 kids....16, 12, 10. On the whole, we’ve got on well, been successful, a good team and believe it or not, do love each other. I’ve come to realise through my wife, that amongst my many failings, that I have huge problems dealing with and showing my emotions, lying too easily and communicating. She is the opposite. My whole family are also like me too.
> 
> My wife has never been with anyone else but me and other than a fairly recent emotional affair, which pales into insignificance in comparison with my misdemeanours, has been loyal. Myself on the otherhand have cheated almost right through the relationship, mostly with escort girls, and I’ve hidden it very well, right up until a few months back.
> I’ve tried to figure out why I’ve behaved so badly, I know my wife deserves so much more, but at times I’d justify my behaviour to myself, other times be consumed by guilt or shut it off altogether as if it hadn’t happened. Eventually, I end up repeating it.
> ...


The answer is easy. You pretend you love your wife but you don’t, no man who loves his wife or even respects her would do what you have done. Be a man, do the right thing. Tell her the complete truth, she will most definitely do the rest for you and let you continue to be the yellow belly you are, you do not deserve her nor your kids. Go for IC to find out why you are such a POS.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Many here will urge you to do an immediate full disclosure.
> 
> I would urge putting that plan on hold for the moment however and would instead recommend seeking individual therapy first to find out why you are indulging in such self-destructive behavior and to get a handle on it and get control over it first.
> 
> Otherwise all that will come of disclosing it is either she giving you the boot or you leaving. Without treatment and control over your behavior, both of those outcomes would likely send you into a tailspin of completely out of control behavior and you'd either die of AIDS or hepatitis or from getting your throat slit or shot by Guido the Killer Pimp.


I don’t agree. His wife deserves to know the truth ASAP. Why should she continue to suffer a minute longer with him? Don’t you think she already suspects? Any consequences to his health or otherwise if of his own making. Time to grow up and take it like a man. But let the poor long suffering wife be free of him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Set your poor wife free. Give her the choice to make that decision. He no longer has any rights. There must be full disclosure.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> I see a TEENY TINY shred of hope of salvaging this marriage, but it will require you completely dedicating yourself to making up for the crap you've put her through (most of which she isn't even aware of).


Let me paraphrase this a bit. Concentrate on salvaging YOURSELF, first. It will require the complete dedication @turnera describes. Understand that you are LOST, but you can be found.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Caledonianguy69 said:


> Myself and my wife have been together 26 years, married 18 years and we’re 44, so obviously got together young. 3 kids....16, 12, 10. On the whole, we’ve got on well, been successful, a good team and believe it or not, do love each other. I’ve come to realise through my wife, that amongst my many failings, that I have huge problems dealing with and showing my emotions, lying too easily and communicating. She is the opposite. My whole family are also like me too.
> 
> My wife has never been with anyone else but me and other than a fairly recent emotional affair, which pales into insignificance in comparison with my misdemeanours, has been loyal. Myself on the otherhand have cheated almost right through the relationship, mostly with escort girls, and I’ve hidden it very well, right up until a few months back.
> I’ve tried to figure out why I’ve behaved so badly, I know my wife deserves so much more, but at times I’d justify my behaviour to myself, other times be consumed by guilt or shut it off altogether as if it hadn’t happened. Eventually, I end up repeating it.
> ...


Hey cool story, bro!

Be sure to come back and update us on how your BW makes out in the divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunsetmist said:


> @EleGirl He has two identical threads going--can they be merged?


done


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## Caledonianguy69 (Sep 22, 2018)

Thanks for the responses. It’s not easy, even in a lengthy post, to convey the intricasies of the relationship. 
Despite incidents of cheating over long periods, if you added them all up it’d be a drop in the ocean time wise compared with with the normal married life. I don’t say that as justification and I appreciate the cheating is what will be focussed on, but for me, I feel there’s a whole lot more to it. 

I do know for sure my wife’s depression stems from factors other than my cheating and has been a constant battle throughout our relationship, although I accept that her finding out I’d cheated recently has made things worse.

I understand the opinions given above too. I told my wife she deserves to be happy and that if we do split, I don’t want anything other that my clothes and the cat. That’s not the issue though. I know if I tell her the whole truth that, yes, she’ll want a divorce for sure, but it’ll destroy her too. I dont care how I come out of it. I deal with the regret and guilt everyday anyway. I dont see how coming clean is a good option for her after coming to understand the impact of owning up to one incident of cheating though. At least if it ended now she wouldn’t have to go backwards before moving on? 

I would like to seek help with my behaviour regardless though. I’ve got an addiction that’s hugely destructive alongside other flaws in my nature I’d like to address. Just knowing where to start seems so daunting...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You have three kids? They learn through you. If you can’t do what’s right by your wife (clearly) and do what’s right by them. Put them in your situation and do what you would tell them to do. You know the answer. Stop being selfish and get on with it already.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Caledonianguy69 said:


> Thanks for the responses. It’s not easy, even in a lengthy post, to convey the intricasies of the relationship.
> Despite incidents of cheating over long periods, if you added them all up it’d be a drop in the ocean time wise compared with with the normal married life. I don’t say that as justification and I appreciate the cheating is what will be focussed on, but for me, I feel there’s a whole lot more to it.
> 
> I do know for sure my wife’s depression stems from factors other than my cheating and has been a constant battle throughout our relationship, although I accept that her finding out I’d cheated recently has made things worse.
> ...


You haven't been cheated on, have you? I'm guessing that because you try to say that cheating isn't the worst part of your marriage or the main cause of your wife's depression.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Caledonianguy69 said:


> I’ve got an addiction that’s hugely destructive alongside other flaws in my nature I’d like to address. Just knowing where to start seems so daunting...


HERE

And, as to the "other flaws"......fuhgedaboudit..... worry about hitting the nail.



turnera said:


> you try to say that cheating isn't the worst part of your marriage or the main cause of your wife's depression


And, stop this, and all other kinds of "blame-shifting". 

And, remember, that God placed adultery in the same list with theft, perjury, and murder. I think you would agree that any of those actions would qualify for the "worst part" and the "main cause".

Besides, what your actions cause in your wife is irrelevant. What is relevant is that your actions are reprehensible and cruel, and motivated by selfishness. 

Start there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It was like living in a house infested with poltergeists. I could feel them all around me. I knew that there was something there that haunted me. But I could not see them.


I know this feeling.
I live this everyday.


They 'are' actually there. 
You are one of the few that can sense this, them.

I liberally use the term 'outside' forces. 
This is technically correct up to a point in time. 

Once you sense their presence, they are not outside.
They are inside your head.

Think of a radio signal.
Your brain is the receiver.
It becomes the host to these, what, signals?

Just another name for ghosts.
Beings without corporeal bodies, made up of pure thought.

What is the source of these beings?
Where do they arise from?

Another story, one not popularly believed.
Sad, this...

Ah, yes......


Huh? What?

.........................................................................................

OP should follow your advice. 

He should pack up and leave. 
He should NOT tell his wife about his other many-storied adulterous exploits. 

Why hurt her more?



[The Host, RD]- someday I will let loose.


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