# Staying Strong....



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I guess reality is finally hitting me. H and I have been separated for almost a month. He was staying with his sister until he finally got his apartment this weekend. We have two young kids...4 and 6 years old. They are having a really tough time with the separation, and miss their dad tons. My heart breaks for them, and I am trying my best to make the best of a stressful situation for them. There is no R in the future.

I think once their dad has them over next weekend, and they know where he will be living, they'll feel more secure with the situation. I guess I didn't realize this would be so hard on them, there has been a lot of tension in our home for the past year, and thought that things would be easier for everyone, but it's just as stressful...ugh.

I need some help in terms of keeping my cool with the kids, they are pushing every button possible to get a reaction out of me. I know it's because it's hard for them dealing with their dad away, but I'm trying to keep the routine and discipline the same. Sometimes it works, other times it fails miserably, kind of like my marriage. 

I'm open with them in terms of discussing their feelings, sadness, and I'm reassuring them that their dad and I will always love them no matter what. They have a lot of contact with him, he'll come to visit, and they talk to him every night to say good night.

Any advice?? I just feel like I should be doing more.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nothing more you can do. Sadly, they have to go through this and deal with things. Let them know you're there for them, like you've been doing, but they have to adjust and deal with this.

If there is a way the kids can see Dad's house now, that would be better. Maybe he can pick them up for dinner and let them see it...help him unpack.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Nothing more you can do. Sadly, they have to go through this and deal with things. Let them know you're there for them, like you've been doing, but they have to adjust and deal with this.
> 
> If there is a way the kids can see Dad's house now, that would be better. Maybe he can pick them up for dinner and let them see it...help him unpack.


Yes, we're going over today to see his place, our daughter was begging him to let her see it. I'm reading a book about divorce and it talks about kids needing to know where the other parent lives. I didn't even realize how important it is.

I know they have to go through this....but it sucks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe the kids should go and you should just drop them off and leave? His place, and his kids - it's the start of a private bonding experience they will be sharing together, without you.

I'm not trying to be nasty, but this is the part you've chosen. You have chosen to have him go from being your husband and for him to begin a new life without you in it.

the kids are part of it, and together they will be creating new memories - but separate from the ones you will be creating when you have them during your time.

But this is one of the first steps for them of being part of two separate families and separate parents.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It does suck. More people should see this side of things before they do something they can't take back.

It sucks with any breakup. When my ex and I broke up, our 2 year old went through some stuff for a month or so until she adjusted.

Maybe after they see his place, they'll feel better.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Maybe the kids should go and you should just drop them off and leave? His place, and his kids - it's the start of a private bonding experience they will be sharing together, without you.
> 
> I'm not trying to be nasty, but this is the part you've chosen. You have chosen to have him go from being your husband and for him to begin a new life without you in it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Maybe the kids should go and you should just drop them off and leave? His place, and his kids - it's the start of a private bonding experience they will be sharing together, without you.
> 
> I'm not trying to be nasty, but this is the part you've chosen. You have chosen to have him go from being your husband and for him to begin a new life without you in it.
> 
> ...


I agree with you that the kids need to spend time alone with him. So far they have quite a bit. I worked a couple of shifts so he came over to spend time with them, it worked well for us. Yesterday he took them swimming and then dinner. They are really happy he's spending quality time with them, which wasn't always possible before the separation. We were very focussed on our relationship.

I really don't want to interupt their time together, or offer my 2 cents which I sometimes do. H wants us to spend time together as friends, he's asked to be friends, at first I just needed to be away from him. I'm ok with the friends, but for the kids sake, so they do not feel any hostility between us, so far it's working out fairly well. I don't think I'll stay when I take the kids over to his place today after school, he might be offended, but I agree that they need to bond together without me around. 

Next weekend, and every weekend he would like to have them Friday evening until Sunday morning. I guess it gives us both a bit of time on weekends to spend time with the kids.

We're not going to court to arrange custody, we're trying to agree on everything so that the kids adjust well to their new situation. We may have to see a mediator eventually, but there's no rush.


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

I feel for your children. They are always innocent victims. Even betrayed spouses had a choice when marrying their wayward spouses. What choice do the children get?

Like other betrayed spouses, I'm very hard on wayward spouses. However, I have a difficult time hearing BS' spout off about selfishness, destroying families, etc., and then go on to make their own selfish choices that are detrimental to their children.

I'm sorry their is no hope for reconciliation in your future.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did the job interviews go?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> How did the job interviews go?


Job interview is this Friday coming......psyched about it, I think I'll probably get it, I'm over qualified for it, but don't want a stressful job right now given the circumstances. I'll eventually go back to the government job I had before I had the two younger children, great benefits, pension plan, great salary, not the easiest job though. 

I'll keep you posted about interview.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Well, I dropped off the kids at H's place today for a visit. They were so happy to finally see the place, smiling ear to ear. I guess it's what they really needed to feel more secure about the situation.

When he brought them back, it was so different, they were calmer, more relaxed, just seemed happier. My little guy didn't even cry this time when he said good bye to his dad. I have to admit, H is doing a great job informing them of everything, telling them he loves them and misses them. I'm really impressed how he's dealing with everything, and so calmly. His anger has magically disappeared, of course it helps not to see my face everyday... He asked me "why are you being so nice to me now", I didn't really have an answer.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> He asked me "why are you being so nice to me now", I didn't really have an answer.


Are you?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Are you?


It's easier being "nice" to someone when you don't see them every day, and the fact that he's not so angry with me. I think I'm being pleasant, I just want to let go of all the tension, anger, and resentment we have towards each other. Sometimes I start to miss him when I see him in this mood, but then I realize that I'm starting to feel lonely.....hate that feeling.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> the fact that he's not so angry with me


Have you told him that?

I think that you had a lot of anger for him after the marriage counselling.(which already added up to your resentment at his anger )
Now that things are much more settled down, both of you are seeing things much more clearly without the anger.Good for you.

Anyway, don't think too much about it now. Take things easy for now. Be nice and pleasant and get on with your life.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Have you told him that?
> 
> I think that you had a lot of anger for him after the marriage counselling.(which already added up to your resentment at his anger )
> Now that things are much more settled down, both of you are seeing things much more clearly without the anger.Good for you.
> ...


We had a bit of an argument today...grrr. He took my car to get the muffler fixed at his garage (he always goes there). He is on vacation this week, so he offered to take it. He came home pissed and on a rant about getting a ticket. I started to feel my blood boil, then realized that it was pointless. I said:

"why are you yelling at me"
him: "because I end up getting **** on when I do something nice to someone"
me: "you went through a stop sign"
him: "I wouldn't have been there if it weren't for getting your car fixed"
Me: "ok, whatever"
him: "I'm not mad at you, just fed up with losing money"
me: "ok, but you're still yelling at me, chill out"
him: "I don't want to fight with you"

And this is what our little petty arguments look like. lol
This time I tried not to engage much, and off he went to his counseling appointment.

At least he communicated more about that it wasn't my fault..

Dinner with a friend tomorrow night. :smthumbup:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> Dinner with a friend tomorrow night. :smthumbup:


Care to elaborate? :scratchhead:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Care to elaborate? :scratchhead:


Female friend.......sheesh


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I find it interesting how apologetic people are when they are no longer in a relationship.....

H called this morning and apologized for being so rude and yelling at me about my vehicle yesterday. I was happy that he said it, but disappointed that he could never ever say he was sorry during our relationship.....why now? Maybe he's just happy with his lady friend....whatever. Trying not to analyze too much these days.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I find it interesting how apologetic people are when they are no longer in a relationship.....
> 
> H called this morning and apologized for being so rude and yelling at me about my vehicle yesterday. I was happy that he said it, but disappointed that he could never ever say he was sorry during our relationship.....why now? Maybe he's just happy with his lady friend....whatever. Trying not to analyze too much these days.



Well, maybe he realizes his behavior and feels bad. He would probably do that before because he took you/your relationship for granted (I took my H for granted for sure... and would take out frustrations on him and I did apologize but it wasn't right)

NOW - My H apologizes for contacting me half the time. Sorry seems to be in most contact and always a ty or yw. But "sorry" if he were really sorry he'd be trying to save our family by at least working on healing himself and going to IC/MC.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't understand? he is having a dinner with a female friend or is it you?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Well, maybe he realizes his behavior and feels bad. He would probably do that before because he took you/your relationship for granted (I took my H for granted for sure... and would take out frustrations on him and I did apologize but it wasn't right)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I don't understand? he is having a dinner with a female friend or is it you?


It was me having dinner with a girlfriend of mine.i was thinking that he was being nice because he,s happy with his personal life....ie. his female friend. I do not want to question things too much, its just weird, but makes my life easier.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Got the job...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Great!! You seem to find them so easily. Is it a similar job that you had previously?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I had to decline the job after all...grrrr. It was way too complicated to arrange my kids schedule for the job. It started at 8:15 am, and it was a 45 min. commute in heavy traffic. It would have meant I would have to leave the house at 7:00am, and my son's daycare isn't even open at the time. Then there were two evening requirements, which meant xh would have had to pick up kids, make dinner (lol), and put them to bed, all at my place. yeah, not happening.

So, the job search continues.

the interviewer made the most inappropriate comment (female).
She was wondering how old I was, since she was looking for an older canditate, so she's fishing for it. I mentioned I have three kids, he jaw dropped, and she asked how old I was. I told her my lovely age of 44, and she says "you're the first white woman I've met that doesn't look her age"....WTF?? and she kept going on about it.

I get that a lot, my son (21) and I hang out sometimes, people think he's my brother, it just seemed so random in an interview....a somewhat professional atmosphere...what do I know anyhow..lol I haven't had an interview in a couple of years.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I understand why people hate Facebook now.....I'm not big on it, I'll check up on relatives across the country, but that's about it. Someone was nice enough to inform me of my H's new status......in a relationship....yep, funny how people move on so fast...in like a month.

grrrrr


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

thought of you when I saw this pic


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> thought of you when I saw this pic


OMG, that is soooo cute.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I`m kind of having a tough week, actually a tough year lol. But, I have to take each day as it comes or effing try to. The problem I usually have is that I have a tendency to think about things too much, I worry about my kids until I make myself sick. Sometimes I just can`t help it, I worry that I`ve screwed them up for life for what I`ve done to my family, to my husband. The past 5 weeks I`ve done a lot of thinking about my past behavior, when I had my affair in 2010. Although H and I R for a year, it was a tough year for him, I didn`t pull my weight the way I should have, and he was angry with me quite a bit. 

Before we separated I felt guilty, ashamed, remorseful (not nearly enough for R) on an intellectual level, but in the last little while, I feel it in my heart. It probably doesn`t make sense, but it`s just a different feeling, I feel like it`s weighing me down sometimes. I`ll have to deal with this in IC of course.

H and I discussed what we want from mediation. We actually had lunch and discussed things in a fairly normal way. We haven`t done anything normal in the way we communicate in so long, it felt strange. He really wants to see the kids every weekend, Ì`m ok with it, but on paper he wants 50 50, he says it`s to make him feel like he`s particiapating, or can have access when he wants. We came to an agreement that he will not provide any child support, but will pay for their yearly activities, ballet, swimming lessons, day camp. It comes to about 1200 a year. I don`t want much from him, never did, I do feel like he deserves something better now. I told him that when I find a job, we can even split some of the fees. I really want to make it up to him even though I do not want to R.

I guess the biggest sting for me, and even though I do not want the relationship, it`s that he has already moved on with another woman. Wow, I don`t ask questions, but during lunch the other day he felt this need to tell me everything, ok, yeah, he`s very open, always has been, but seriously, it wasn`t necessary, I kept saying ``as long as your happy``. But inside I was boiling a bit, I just didn`t want to hear anymore. I don`t need to know that she sleeps over at his place, or that he might get married again one day, and more children may not be out of the question. Yeah, I guess I deserved to feel some pain after what I did to him, maybe I should hear what it`s like, what he felt in order to really understand some of the pain he experienced. Then he would start to cry, and remind me of what I`ve done to him, that he will never trust women again. That hurt...made me sick to know i did this to him. I said sorry again, but at this point it means nothing. I told him he deserves to be loved the way he wants, to have someone devoted, he said he `loves`` her, but not in love with her, and that he also loves me still. I think he feels guilty about moving on so quickly, and wants to know from me that it`s ok, or to get my approval. I can`t give him approval, not right now. He siad he would feel better knowing if I was dating. I told him when the time is right I will, not ready right now. He said he wanted to know when I have sex the first time. WTF, then he`ll know I`ve moved on. I don`t know what to make of that comment or question. Weird, and i wouldn`t tell him anyway.

I don`t want to move on and date other people yet, I`m not ready for it, how can he be. So he`s known her for a year or so through work, yeah, it`s comfortable for them. I only asked that the kids not be around her or them for about 6 months.

We only have one issue, my son`s daycare teacher, whoa, he hates her. They had an argument a couple of months ago, and then another one today. He phoned me in a rage, and told me to speak to her. Basically she`s rude to him, I don`t think she likes him much. It puts me in a bad position though. And the fact that he was ranting in front of the kids in the car while on the phone with me. I kept saying to wait til the kids are in bed, then call me, otherwise son will feel the tension and not want to go, or whatever. Usually, he`s really good at not discussing issues in front of the kids, but he really dislikes this woman, it`s too bad because our son loves her.

anyway, venting as usual..

blah............


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my husband left me, becasue of my treatment of him, I asked him if he believed that I realized what I had done.

He looked at me and said, "I think you know what you've done, but I don't think you have realized what you've done."

And I didn't understand what he meant, until i was alone for a while. Then it hit and I felt it.  

Even though you are beyond R, you can learn to forgive yourself. It takes time. It takes loving yourself even for your shortcomings and it takes rebuilding of yourself from the ground up.

I hope things get a little better soon...it's hard to be so down for so long.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> I don`t want to move on and date other people yet, I`m not ready for it, how can he be.


Seriously? 

From his perspective, you had no trouble moving on before.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Or maybe it is a rebound. Or maybe she pursued him. It might be hard to process but it is none your business..


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> When my husband left me, becasue of my treatment of him, I asked him if he believed that I realized what I had done.
> 
> He looked at me and said, "I think you know what you've done, but I don't think you have realized what you've done."
> 
> ...



Sometimes I'm ok with myself, mostly when I'm around family and friends, laughing, enjoying myself. Then when I'm alone, I just get overwhelmed with things racing through my head. I guess I should start cleaning like a mother effer lol.

I started reading...Mars and Venus Starting Over, John Gray. It's light reading with insightful advice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Let yourself be alone and just stew in it.

Seriously. See it for what it is. It sucks and it's hard, but good personal growth will come from it. 

You may not have a 2nd chance with your husband but you need to get to a point where you don't do this again. It's not from external forces, it's from within.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

dymo said:


> Seriously?
> 
> From his perspective, you had no trouble moving on before.


Yep, that's very true, but I'm not in the same place I was back then. I was going through a lot of things in my life that were making me unhappy, including my marriage, I chose to escape, and made a destructive choice. 

I think H expects me to just jump into another relationship, he really doesn't understand how I can't since i was able to do it before, and be so cruel and mean about it. I've had a lot of time to reflect on the sh*t I've done, I've got to learn to like who I am, not what I was before.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Let yourself be alone and just stew in it.
> 
> Seriously. See it for what it is. It sucks and it's hard, but good personal growth will come from it.
> 
> You may not have a 2nd chance with your husband but you need to get to a point where you don't do this again. It's not from external forces, it's from within.


yeah, the book talks about letting yourself feel what you need to, and I do, but I do have the tendancy to avoid, I have to work on that....

And no, I can't do this again to another person, or myself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

working_together said:


> I
> the interviewer made the most inappropriate comment (female).
> She was wondering how old I was, since she was looking for an older canditate, so she's fishing for it. I mentioned I have three kids, he jaw dropped, and she asked how old I was. I told her my lovely age of 44, and she says "you're the first white woman I've met that doesn't look her age"....WTF?? and she kept going on about it.
> .


I believe that it is illegal in the US to ask a candidate their age during an interview.

She was fishing for it - wow - red alert - shady operation.

btw- during interviews never mention kids, married status, or age - all not acceptable criteria for judging you on.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I believe that it is illegal in the US to ask a candidate their age during an interview.
> 
> She was fishing for it - wow - red alert - shady operation.
> 
> btw- during interviews never mention kids, married status, or age - all not acceptable criteria for judging you on.


OMG, was she hitting on me???? ewwww

Yeah, I never mention kids in any interview I have ever been through, I felt so awkward it just came out, like to shut her up. lol


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

obviously he is telling you about his dating and life because it is a way for him to say to you and him and that he is going to survive the deep scar that you put on him.

Remember - I'm not trying to be nasty here, but he has been hurting a very long time and he is still hurting. First you kicked him out so you could cheat, then you took him back saying you'd do ANYTHING to make it work, then you didn't live up to that promise. So he's twice been wacked by putting his heart in your hands.

So now he is as much to you as to himself talking about how he is moving on with his life - because he desperately wants and needs to believe in a little bit of hope that there is a better day down the road for him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

working_together said:


> OMG, was she hitting on me???? ewwww
> 
> Yeah, I never mention kids in any interview I have ever been through, I felt so awkward it just came out, like to shut her up. lol


I don't think she was hitting on you - I think she was committing an illegal act while interviewing you.

HR has always informed me that #1 no-no is asking age of a candidate - I believe it's a federal law in US.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Bosses can't ask if you're pregnant either.

When I was pregnant with my first, my boss kept looking at me, but I didn't offer the info. here I was, from 3 months to 8 months pregnant, not saying a word. :lol: FINALLY I told her, about 3 weeks before my leave. She was like "OMG! I wanted to ask, but i can't!"


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> obviously he is telling you about his dating and life because it is a way for him to say to you and him and that he is going to survive the deep scar that you put on him.
> 
> Remember - I'm not trying to be nasty here, but he has been hurting a very long time and he is still hurting. First you kicked him out so you could cheat, then you took him back saying you'd do ANYTHING to make it work, then you didn't live up to that promise. So he's twice been wacked by putting his heart in your hands.
> 
> So now he is as much to you as to himself talking about how he is moving on with his life - because he desperately wants and needs to believe in a little bit of hope that there is a better day down the road for him.


I didn't really look at it that way, it makes sense though. He's told me he doesn't want to be alone, I know him well, this is true, I think it made it easier to end our relationship, knowing this lady friend was waiting for him.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I just don't know how to handle some situations involving separation, it's frustrating and confusing, leaving me throwing my hands up in the air saying "WTF".

My on call job called me today for a double shift, I was really happy, I had worked Friday evening, and I really need the money. It would have meant I would have taken home $250.00, paid a couple of bills, relieved some stress. Seems like it didn't last too long....

H and I have arranged that he does not provide child support....long story short, he'll start paying for activities in a few months. So I'm looking for a job...obviously. He told me that anytime I needed him to watch the kids while I took a shift, he would do it, he knows I need the money. So I called him this am asking if he would be ok with it for this afternoon (I told work I would call them back with an answer), he ho hummed, and said "no, I have things to do today to get ready for work tomorrow after being on vacation for two weeks....sorry". I said ok and hung up, called work and said I couldn't do it. He then calls back in 15 min. and says "if you really want me to do it I'll do it, I feel bad about saying no". I responded that in the past he would feel guilty about saying no, and would say yes, but would resent it later, and that it was something he agreed he needed to change. He said "yeah, I guess so". What was I supposed to say?? "yeah, damn straight, come over and watch the kids cause I need to feed them and pay the bills". But, I'm trying to be a better person to him since I've been a sh*ty wife the last year and a half. My friends think I'm being too soft, they know the situation...every last detail, and although they think it was totally unacceptable what I did to him, they question some of the things I have agreed to. So now, I have no idea what to do???? I don't want to set him off either.

On a good note....I'm taking the kids to a movie today, my sister is joining us, I haven't seen much of her in the last year because of the stress of R and the fact that H didn't want her around since she took my side before we R last year. 

It's all good.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not an option for him to look after the kids.

You have to have something in writing ...kids aren't a burden, they're just life. They cuold hang out while he gets stuff ready for work.

It was a rare day where my ex and I wouldn't cover for each other if need be. It wasn't an every week thing, but his excuse for not taking them is weak.

He didn't leave the kids.

And if this is the attitude, I say go for support. Screw that crap.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's not an option for him to look after the kids.
> 
> You have to have something in writing ...kids aren't a burden, they're just life. They cuold hang out while he gets stuff ready for work.
> 
> ...


I think going to mediation and having it in writing that if I get called into work he needs to be ok with watching the kids. But it's not going to be a long term thing, it's only until I find a job. He asked for them every weekend, said he wanted somewhat of a joint custody...I'm starting to think that he said no today because of him wanting to spend the day and evening with his g/f, I don't care, but don't put your love life ahead of your kids...ya know? especially when you agreed to watch the kids any time I asked....grrrr

And the support thing, it's a lost cause really, he'll become angry with me, and then the kids suffer. It's not worth it.

I should start playing the loto....lol


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm not trying to be a b!tch but, who was watching the kids when you were with OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, I know you are repenting your mistake for cheating on him but how is that he pays no child support at all? Is it because he is setting up a new place or because you are getting the house? Is this a long term thing ? As far as I can understand, you are doing majority of the work with the kids too. he has the responsibility of a father too. 

Can you afford not to? It might put a lot of stress in the long run(it already is). I think he should contribute somehow though not necessarily with money.

Edit: Curious how much role the co worker played in your separation? Was he having his own affair at the *** end of your marriage? Would it matter if he did? I mean, now that I think about it , jumping into another relationship(not just dating) one month into separation is a bit too quick.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm not trying to be a b!tch but, who was watching the kids when you were with OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


good point...but H agreed 5 weeks ago that he would watch the kids any time I got called into work, so I ask him one time and he is unable. Was I asking for too much??? It's not about his g/f at all, it's about me earning a living and supporting my family.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm not trying to be a b!tch but, who was watching the kids when you were with OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure he was just like I did with you.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Ok, I know you are repenting your mistake for cheating on him but how is that he pays no child support at all? Is it because he is setting up a new place or because you are getting the house? Is this a long term thing ? As far as I can understand, you are doing majority of the work with the kids too. he has the responsibility of a father too.
> 
> Can you afford not to? It might put a lot of stress in the long run(it already is). I think he should contribute somehow though not necessarily with money.
> 
> Edit: Curious how much role the co worker played in your separation? Was he having his own affair at the *** end of your marriage? Would it matter if he did? I mean, now that I think about it , jumping into another relationship(not just dating) one month into separation is a bit too quick.


The house I live in belongs to my mother, she lives below me in a duplex. He expected that we would inherit the house one day, and he had big hopes of what would happen. We live close to the city, so the value is quite high. 

He said that he would help out when he was settled with his apt. meaning around May. He wouldn't agree on any amount, so I then asked if he would pay for the kids activities. He sort of agreed on that as long as it wasn't too expensive. I responded that just what they are doing now, nothing more, nothing less.

I agree that he should contribute somehow, mostly making it easier for me to work the occasional shift, it's not like it happens often, it usually falls on a Friday or Saturday when he has them. My mom has been good about helping me out financially, but I hate asking her.

He has known his g/f for about a year, he's always had an attraction for her and mentioned it to me. I wasn't surprised that he would start a relationship with her, and I'm happy for him (to an extent), but don't rub it in my face. Yes, it was easy for him to tell me that he no longer loved me when he knew she was interested in him, and that there was no baggage with her. He also knew that I was no longer going to listen to his verbal abuse. 

I told a couple of friends about his "openess" about her, they were floored. They can't understand why he wants me to know everything that is going on with her. I never asked, it's his business, not mine. 

No solutions at the moment....keeping with the job search, hoping for something in the next couple of weeks, and much will be solved.

Overall, I'm feeling better, at the beginning of the separation I had trouble breathing, the tightness in my chest scared me. It seems to have gone away. I asked a good female friend of mine to come out next weekend and get good and drunk with me....lol. I haven't gone out and had drinks for a very long time, so I guess I'm due for it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> I'm sure he was just like I did with you.


Oooooh. Ouch!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> I'm sure he was just like I did with you.


That was kind of my point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Just incredible, I lose out on making $250.00 for a double shift so ex can f*ck his g/f......

I know when she's there, his voice is totally different when saying good night to the kids.

Yep, he had things to do before going to work tomorrow.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So do you plan to call him out on this?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> So do you plan to call him out on this?


It's not worth it.

He had another conflict with the daycare teacher again. He's trying to intimidate her I think.

He's also said a few things to the kids about his female "friend", and her allergies so they can't have a cat at his place or guinea pigs.

Time for mediation. Calling today. I want it all discussed in the presence of another person.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think I'm being tested from someone above.....(I'm not religious either)

My daughter wanted a blanket that she left at H's house, so he brought it over this morning. I'm not sure what's going on with him, he wanted to talk to me in the kitchen in private. I was like "ok, what's up". He became all sentimental on me, saying he misses me, and then the sexual stuff he misses. I said nothing, not sure what to say. I did say "don't try to rush your relationship with g/f", "you're still healing from 25 years". He agreed, and said he's happy with her, she makes him feel good, more affectionate, but said it's hard to get used to. I was able to hear it this time, last week really sucked to hear about her. I only said that it was because we knew each other so well, and how to please each other. I knew what was coming next, I was prepared to an extent....

Then he wanted to hug me, which was ok, but he wanted me to kiss him, I turned away, and gently pushed him away. I knew this was coming for a while, and glad that it did in a way so we could address it. It would have been so easy to just go with it, have a few moments of pleasure, have someone hold me again. But, and a big but...I said to him "I can't do this to your g/f, it's not fair, I made a promise to myself that I would never ever do this type of thing to myself, or another person". I felt like I had control, that I'm not this serial cheater who has no will power, who goes out of their way to destroy people's lives ya know? I'm not that person, not who I was a year and half ago, and now, I really feel I'm not. It's like it was a test. H. thanked me for not allowing it to happen, and said "yeah, it's not fair to her". 

And then he left.....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. It's to be expected. Good for you for pushing him away.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> Then he wanted to hug me, which was ok, but he wanted me to kiss him, I turned away, and gently pushed him away. I knew this was coming for a while, and glad that it did in a way so we could address it. It would have been so easy to just go with it, have a few moments of pleasure, have someone hold me again. But, and a big but...I said to him "I can't do this to your g/f, it's not fair, I made a promise to myself that I would never ever do this type of thing to myself, or another person". I felt like I had control, that I'm not this serial cheater who has no will power, who goes out of their way to destroy people's lives ya know? I'm not that person, not who I was a year and half ago, and now, I really feel I'm not. It's like it was a test. H. thanked me for not allowing it to happen, and said "yeah, it's not fair to her".
> 
> And then he left.....


Good for you! I can't imagine ... that would have been a tough test... I miss my H holding/kissing me.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Good for you! I can't imagine ... that would have been a tough test... I miss my H holding/kissing me.


Yeah, it was tough, I do miss the sex, in the last year we had the best sex we had ever had, but the rest of the relationship sucked. It's seems like it's one or the other.....grrrr


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I wonder if he truly does have a gf.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> I wonder if he truly does have a gf.


Yes, he does have a g/f, I met her in the past, twice, and she's very attractive. Why do you ask?? 

I think he's still confused over his decision to end the marriage.

But, he seems to be enjoying the attention from someone else, she's pretty much devoted to him the way he always wanted me to be, makes dinner just the way he wants, over does everything. The problem is that he still wants it from me or at least wishes I had been that way. But, he also liked the fact that I was sometimes aloof, did my own thing, he's just not used to all the attention she's giving him. I told him "just give it time, you'll learn to love it". I want him over me, I want him to let go, move on, find the love he so much craves.

Meanwhile, I'm wondering if I should attempt to go on a date, see what it's like, just casual stuff. I think it might do me some good.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> Yes, he does have a g/f, I met her in the past, twice, and she's very attractive. Why do you ask??
> 
> I think he's still confused over his decision to end the marriage.
> 
> ...


He actually may have thought he wanted that attention and may decide it's suffocating. He might end up missing you more than he already does.

It sounds like today you are in a good place and I don't know if I would look for a date at this time... but hey if you put yourself out there and get asked out I'd say yes...keeping it casual/platonic.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> He actually may have thought he wanted that attention and may decide it's suffocating. He might end up missing you more than he already does.
> 
> It sounds like today you are in a good place and I don't know if I would look for a date at this time... but hey if you put yourself out there and get asked out I'd say yes...keeping it casual/platonic.


I was just thinking out loud I guess. But you're right...no rush, it's only been 5 or so weeks.

I'm still focused on my kids, my son is being a real handful these days, a bit agressive, which has never been the case. He seems to have had a delayed reaction to the separation. My daughter seems much better, I have spent all week with her (March break), and she's been great. Of course she has her meltdowns, but nothing like when we first separated.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I was just thinking out loud I guess. But you're right...no rush, it's only been 5 or so weeks.
> 
> I'm still focused on my kids, my son is being a real handful these days, a bit agressive, which has never been the case. He seems to have had a delayed reaction to the separation. My daughter seems much better, I have spent all week with her (March break), and she's been great. Of course she has her meltdowns, but nothing like when we first separated.


How old is your son? Daughter? 

I will be pm'ing you.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> How old is your son? Daughter?
> 
> I will be pm'ing you.


I got your pm, I'll respond when I have more time.

My younger son is 4, he's the one showing some aggressive behavior. My daughter is 6. My oldest son is almost 22, he seems to be taking everything in stride at the moment. I think he sees his parents in a much better place now, and is feeling calm. He's going over to his dad's for dinner again tonight, twice in two weeks.....I'm just floored. They never went out to dinner..ever, or engaged in any fun activities really. I think H has a lot of guilt about some of the things that he's done in the past, and it's coming out now.

It's all good.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I got your pm, I'll respond when I have more time.
> 
> My younger son is 4, he's the one showing some aggressive behavior. My daughter is 6. My oldest son is almost 22, he seems to be taking everything in stride at the moment. I think he sees his parents in a much better place now, and is feeling calm. He's going over to his dad's for dinner again tonight, twice in two weeks.....I'm just floored. They never went out to dinner..ever, or engaged in any fun activities really. I think H has a lot of guilt about some of the things that he's done in the past, and it's coming out now.
> 
> It's all good.


We have kids similar in age!
The other two not mentioned in the PM

My oldest is trying to be a mediator. She would like to tell him off but also wants to be able to be there if he needs one of them. She is torn, I guess. Also very disappointed. 

My son is about your son's age. He can't stand being at the house when his father comes home. Hate is a strong word but that's his current feeling. I make sure I support my son and let him know when his father will be there and he makes himself scarce. He once accidentally ran into him one day and my H said "I think he is mad at me." Seriously he isn't just mad... he is disappointed, hurt, and has lost a lot of respect for the man.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> We have kids similar in age!
> The other two not mentioned in the PM
> 
> My oldest is trying to be a mediator. She would like to tell him off but also wants to be able to be there if he needs one of them. She is torn, I guess. Also very disappointed.
> ...


I guess depending on the age, personality, relationship with the parents kind of predicts how they will react. My oldest son never got along with his dad, I've said it here before they've almost had fist fights. My H would basically put his finger in his face and give him a lecture. It's gone completly opposite now. My son never says anything negative about his father now, and actually calls him during the day just to chat. I really think it's H who changed when he left the house. 

All my son ever wanted was his dad to appreciate him, spend time with him. It takes a freakin' separation for that to happen????


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> Y
> 
> Meanwhile, I'm wondering if I should attempt to go on a date, see what it's like, just casual stuff. I think it might do me some good.


Okay, so after I had a little anxiety attack I started thinking about this... I went into town to run an errand and it was just hitting me hard. My H hasn't shown any reason for me to keep hope/faith in a R ever happening, why shouldn't I move on. So many say that moving on either shifts their butt into gear out of limbo one way or the other... or I get to make human contact w/ another person who may help me move on... 

UGH


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> Yes, he does have a g/f, I met her in the past, twice, and she's very attractive. Why do you ask??


Because until your confirmation above, I thought he was just trying to make you jealous.

What surprises me is how fast he got involved with another woman. The two of you were still in R just over a month ago. Almost makes me wonder if he wasn't involved with her during the R.



> I think he's still confused over his decision to end the marriage.


He did not allow himself enough time to emotionally heal from the loss of his marriage before plunging into what looks like a rebound relationship. Bad move.



> Meanwhile, I'm wondering if I should attempt to go on a date, see what it's like, just casual stuff. I think it might do me some good.


Unlike your stbxh, you seem to be, emotionally speaking, in a better place - not needy for a member of the opposite sex. Going on a casual date will probably not result in you falling into a rebound relationship.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am predicting some reaction from her husband once working starts dating...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I am predicting some reaction from her husband once working starts dating...


Me too. He is the jealous type that's for sure. I do think he's trying to make me jealous when talking about girlie, and when I don't show any reaction he steps it up a bit more. I'm not really the jealous type, but we all have our insequrities.

Anyway, when dating does begin, it's going to be hush hush.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Okay, so after I had a little anxiety attack I started thinking about this... I went into town to run an errand and it was just hitting me hard. My H hasn't shown any reason for me to keep hope/faith in a R ever happening, why shouldn't I move on. So many say that moving on either shifts their butt into gear out of limbo one way or the other... or I get to make human contact w/ another person who may help me move on...
> 
> UGH


Do what you feel comfortable with. I think just some casual coffee/dinner dates can get your mind off you H. As for moving on, that only happens with time I guess.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Anyone in mind Working?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Every night I usually get my younger son to bed first while my daughter waits for me in her room. I'm trying my best to divide my attention at night between the two of them, they both need me so much. So last night I'm lying on my daughter's bed with her, just chatting, we use this time to talk about her feelings, problems at school, or whatever. It's sometimes hard to get her to open up, she's a bit like me, avoids. We were talking about eyelashes and how if you find one you make a wish and blow it. I asked her what she would wish for. She responded "I would wish my mommy and daddy would come together again", then said "I wish that daddy would live with us again". I know it's all normal stuff coming from a 6 year old, but whoa, what do I say??? I didn't say much, just smiled and listened.

Last night my older son asked his dad during their dinner "dad, do you have a g/f?" (H told me), his dad told him he was seeing someone, but didn't want to introduce her to him yet. I'm not sure how my son knew this, I doubt he overheard me speaking to a friend about it.

Life goes on....


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Sadly we cannot protect our children from all the heartbreaks that life will throw at them. All we can do is give them our love, emotional support and pray to God that they come out of the ordeal with as little damage as possible.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> We were talking about eyelashes and how if you find one you make a wish and blow it. I asked her what she would wish for. She responded "I would wish my mommy and daddy would come together again", then said "I wish that daddy would live with us again". I know it's all normal stuff coming from a 6 year old, but whoa, what do I say??? I didn't say much, just smiled and listened.
> 
> Last night my older son asked his dad during their dinner "dad, do you have a g/f?" (H told me), his dad told him he was seeing someone, but didn't want to introduce her to him yet. I'm not sure how my son knew this, I doubt he overheard me speaking to a friend about it.
> 
> Life goes on....


The specialist I am taking my children to suggested these books:
Helping Children Cope with Divorce, Revised and Updated Edition by Edward Teyber 

Dinosaurs Divorce (Dino Life Guides for Families) by Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown

and then I got this one too
Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid to Ask About Divorce by Meg F. Schneider

It breaks everything down by age. I have been reading/re-reading them It shows me how badly we started this.... H even wants to borrow them to read them. 

This is so painful to have to put them through! It wasn't my choice and I have fought this all the way!

My younger kids (that need sitters) will be spending the night at their dad's. They had to ask! I am making plans the first of many nights


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> The specialist I am taking my children to suggested these books:
> Helping Children Cope with Divorce, Revised and Updated Edition by Edward Teyber
> 
> Dinosaurs Divorce (Dino Life Guides for Families) by Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown
> ...


Thanks for the ideas on books, I have to try to find one I can read to them.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Anyone in mind Working?


Hush hush...No, no one in mind

lol


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

chaos said:


> Sadly we cannot protect our children from all the heartbreaks that life will throw at them. All we can do is give them our love, emotional support and pray to God that they come out of the ordeal with as little damage as possible.


I agree, but I worry so much. I'm afraid that he's doing to them what he did to me. The put downs, belittling etc. and I can't prove it if he does.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Nothing more you can do. This may be hard time for your children and they have to face this heartbreak. All that you can do is to take care of them and try to fill the empty spot in their heart........


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Are your children in counseling?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Hush hush...No, no one in mind
> 
> lol




:liar:


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> I agree, but I worry so much. I'm afraid that he's doing to them what he did to me. The put downs, belittling etc. and I can't prove it if he does.


Were the put-downs and belittling present before the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

* We were talking about eyelashes and how if you find one you make a wish and blow it. I asked her what she would wish for. She responded "I would wish my mommy and daddy would come together again", then said "I wish that daddy would live with us again". I know it's all normal stuff coming from a 6 year old, but whoa, what do I say??? I didn't say much, just smiled and listened.*

My daughter has said something similar to me... It took my breath away when she did... Rightly or wrongly I am being as honest as I can with her without going into too much detail. 

So I just said that unfortunately it wasnt going to happen as Daddy had broken a big promise he made in front of god when we got married and I cant forgive him for it. I told her I was sad and I wished it didn't have to be that way, but Daddy had refused to stop breaking the promise and we had to divorce.

She seemed to take that on board...

But I worry every day about screwing her up.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

chaos said:


> Are your children in counseling?


I wish I could afford counseling for them, I would for sure send them.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

dymo said:


> Were the put-downs and belittling present before the affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, they were always there, very subtle during our entire relationship, they would become extreme when he was under stress. It was at it's worst during our attempt at R. I was so wrapped up in our R I hadn't really noticed that he was becoming verbally abusive towards the kids at times. Relatives pointed this out to me recently. He also did this with our older son (21), although is trying to make it up to him now.

All I can do is hope that he's happier now, and won't take his frustrations out on the kids. Sometimes I wish I could put a VAR in his apt. just to make me feel better.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> :liar:


Buzz off Warlock :rofl:


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> Thanks for the ideas on books, I have to try to find one I can read to them.


The therapist recommended Dinosaurs Divorce for young kids.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I wish I could afford counseling for them, I would for sure send them.


You have a school aged kiddo, right? Maybe the school counselor.
A church program or a community program?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

working_together said:


> Buzz off Warlock :rofl:



:FIREdevil:


Anyways :yawn2:

Also is that your cat in the profile picture?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

working_together said:


> I wish I could afford counseling for them, I would for sure send them.


Have you checked out *Rainbows*?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

chaos said:


> Have you checked out *Rainbows*?


Just checked it out....not available in my province. I'm going to call my local health clinic, they offer free services, but the waiting list can be long.

thanks tho


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> :FIREdevil:
> 
> 
> Anyways :yawn2:
> ...


Yes, the orange one is the one that we had to put down. The one on top of him is one of my other cats. It's an old pic.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

It looks adorable. What is its name? Pic is too small though. Change your profile pic to this picture.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Working,

Just wanted you to know I'm still following your thread and wish you and your kids the best.

:cat:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> It looks adorable. What is its name? Pic is too small though. Change your profile pic to this picture.


The orange cat is Pokey, the little guy is Tali (daughter named him after her imaginary friend lol).


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Working,
> 
> Just wanted you to know I'm still following your thread and wish you and your kids the best.
> 
> :cat:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

"Numb" Linkin Park.......very interesting to listen to the words, usually I just blast it when I'm driving, not paying attention.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am a sucker for cat pictures . Here is me hugging my cat


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I am a sucker for cat pictures . Here is me hugging my cat


You're such a wise guy Warlock....

I wasn't looking at the big cat, I was thinking "who's the sexy guy in the pic"......was he alive after the pic was taken?? lol


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Oh..I'm alive. Don't worry about that.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Oh..I'm alive. Don't worry about that.


Nice try....you don't seem the type to hug big furry animals.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

World's biggest lapdog!!! - YouTube


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> World's biggest lapdog!!! - YouTube


cute, especially when he called him "bug a boo" or something like that. lol


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Ex called today to ask how the kids were doing, they were sick at his place this past weekend, and really cranky, at one point they wanted to come home. I guess they missed the familiar stuff, everyone does when they're not well.

The conversation changed to our "relationship". He told me he's not ready to get serious, but likes to be with someone. ok...then he says some mushy stuff like "sometimes when she kisses me, I'm thinking about you"....I change the subject and ask how his brunch went on Sunday with her family. Then he casually slips something along the lines of getting back together in 6 months or a year, but in a "if we do". NO, not happening, I said nothing. I can't do that to my kids for a third time only for us to go back to what it was.

I mean, it's been hard, very hard on the kids, they miss their dad a lot. My daughter tonight took a picture of him out of an album (yes we have them lol), and we put it by her window, not before she kissed it, and put it in my face for me to kiss it as well. Whoa, it was so intense....very emotional.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> "Numb" Linkin Park.......very interesting to listen to the words, usually I just blast it when I'm driving, not paying attention.


I love that song. The lyrics are extremely personal to me. Long story.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Have you ever made a decision on what you would require of him coming back? I know you said not happening... just wondering.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your stbxh is not playing with a full deck. He's involved in a committed relationship with another woman - susspiciously very soon after he calls it quits on marital R - and he's already cheating on her? Even if you were to gamble and accept him back, what's to stop him from cheating on you like he's doing with her? He's a cheater now who wants to eat his cake with his new gf and his stbxw. Nice.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Have you ever made a decision on what you would require of him coming back? I know you said not happening... just wondering.


If I had not had an affair I think he would have sought help for his anger issues, and other issues as well. But he will never forgive me for my affair, ever, and will never let me forget what I have done to him. I was a stupid fool to play such a dangerous game.

So, the answer is....nothing he could do or say.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your stbxh is not playing with a full deck. He's involved in a committed relationship with another woman - susspiciously very soon after he calls it quits on marital R - and he's already cheating on her? Even if you were to gamble and accept him back, what's to stop him from cheating on you like he's doing with her? He's a cheater now who wants to eat his cake with his new gf and his stbxw. Nice.



When he made a pass at me the other week, he actually said "I want to be a cake eater". I don't think he realizes that it's cheating because it's me, but whoa, it's so cheating.

I agree, he's got some issues, he doesn't want to be alone, but wants the benefits of two women, one for the emotional (her), and me for the sex.....It's never going to happen.

I actually feel sorry for her, he told me he made her cry the other week after comparing her to me. Who does that to someone who they care about??? It's what he used to do to me, get me close, to push me away, it's a game. She's very vulnerable, I feel bad for her, but my friends keep saying "not your problem".


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I was a stupid fool to play such a dangerous game.



No, you were stupid for different reasons(This sounds judgmental, it is not my intention). R was worth an effort even if it did not work out. Also, you need not hate him to move on. It feels like you are trying to do that.(maybe past resentment?)


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your stbxh is not playing with a full deck. He's involved in a committed relationship with another woman - susspiciously very soon after he calls it quits on marital R - and he's already cheating on her? Even if you were to gamble and accept him back, what's to stop him from cheating on you like he's doing with her? He's a cheater now who wants to eat his cake with his new gf and his stbxw. Nice.


He wasn't cheating on me with her. They were good friends.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> No, you were stupid for different reasons(This sounds judgmental, it is not my intention). R was worth an effort even if it did not work out. Also, you need not hate him to move on. It feels like you are trying to do that.(maybe past resentment?)


I'm not hating him all that much, mostly venting here because I say nothing to him, I hold everything in. I was really angry when we separated, but I'm better now.

I guess I dwell on things that bothered me about him so it makes it easier not to R once again. It makes it easier to move on when I remember stuff that bothered me about him.

I wish he would acknowledge that he should be giving his kids some support. I said I wouldn't take much from him, but seriously $100.00 in 7 weeks??? and I shouldn't be a little pissed???

I was also angry at the beginning of our separation because I felt like it was a wasted year, it led to nothing but misery for all of us, mostly my kids.

Sucks


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Pick up a hobby. The more you think and stew about it, the more angry you will be. What about your jobs? Did you find anything new?




> I wish he would acknowledge that he should be giving his kids some support. I said I wouldn't take much from him, but seriously $100.00 in 7 weeks??? and I shouldn't be a little pissed???


That is why people usually let lawyers handle stuff like this. You were feeling guilty, thus were over generous during separation agreements. Now that the money is tight and you don't want to ask him for money, more resentment which will blow up some day. Maybe you should mention that since he isn't paying much for support, he should allow you to maximize your earning opportunities (Hint: $250)


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Pick up a hobby. The more you think and stew about it, the more angry you will be. What about your jobs? Did you find anything new?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've been in a bad mood for a couple of days, just fed up really, and frustrated. I'm hating myself more than anything right now. I hate that I'm in this position, being broke, bored at home. grrrrr

No other job offers, I'm still sending my cv's out. Looks like I'll aply to the job I had several years ago, the one that drove me ape sh*t...but can't be any worse that what I'm dealing with now.

The kicker,( and I know I have to let it go, really I am trying, I guess I just have too much time on my hands.) is that stbxh gets to reap the benefits of living the "good life", his g/f pays for everything.....just makes me boil sometimes.

Ok, I'm done venting....ahhhh, I feel better, especially with my rum and coke beside me.

P.S.
He has no money to give me anyway, I borrowed $100.00 from him a couple of weeks ago, and he needs it back. So I get a lawyer, piss him off, for what??? 200.00 per month maybe.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What was the job that drove you ape **** ?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It seems that you and your stbxh are polar opposites of one another. You are conflict avoider and he is a conflict seeker. Dr John Gottman found that when couples are comprised of a conflict avoider and a conflict seeker you will have an intense imbalance from the start. An imbalanced relationship, where information piles up quickly as unresolved conflict builds, leading to an eventual break as in break-up. It is very possible that even if your affair had not occurred, that eventually your marriage would have come to an end.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> What was the job that drove you ape **** ?


I worked for child welfare.....I worked in the emergency dept. You know the ones who are "the first on the scene". I'll apply to another dept. It was too stressful, and lots of overtime.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> It seems that you and your stbxh are polar opposites of one another. You are conflict avoider and he is a conflict seeker. Dr John Gottman found that when couples are comprised of a conflict avoider and a conflict seeker you will have an intense imbalance from the start. An imbalanced relationship, where information piles up quickly as unresolved conflict builds, leading to an eventual break as in break-up. It is very possible that even if your affair had not occurred, that eventually your marriage would have come to an end.


I am a conflict avoider for sure. But even more so with stbx because I just couldn't win any argument, he was always right, so I gave up. With other people I do speak up when I need to, but I won't go out of my way to address things...

Yes, our marriage would have ended eventually.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I know I need a hobby, I enjoyed working out, but just don't have the funds right now...obviously. I used to crochet as well, but I can't get into it now, it was more a thing when I was pregnant with kids. I'd like to join one of those clubs where they meet up at restaurants, or an outdoors club...

What are others doing in terms of keeping busy???


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I don't know where you live but this winter is pretty mild... how about hiking


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm feeling kind of low today, i'm thankful i got called to work this evening. The kids come back tomrrow since i will be working, stbxh agreed this time...how thoughtful of him

I don't think i'm ready to date after all. I went out a couple of times with this person, it just didn't feel right, and i can't really figure out why, except that obviously i'm still healing, and emtionally i haven't moved on yet. The person clearly wants more from me which i'm not ready for any time soon.

I tried to keep the dates from stbxh, but he knows me all too well. He's acting angry, saying he cares and is worried, doesn't want anything to happen to me, when i told him it was my business, he then yelled at me and said that as long as kids are involved, it is his business. I responded that the kids know nothing and will never meet him, that it's nothing serious. So i got sick from the convo, and angry that he can still get to me. He doesn't even seem happy lately, he seemed ok with the gf,but clearly he's still very angry.

I need help with setting boundaries with him, i dont contact him, he always does with some excuse, then i engage in his crap.

Sucks


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just learn to be alone and like yourself.

No need to rush out and start dating. Prove to yourself that you don't need anyone's company but your own.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

He is still attached to you. He hasn't detached yet. And who set you up with this new guy? Take it easy for now. esp


> The person clearly wants more from me which i'm not ready for any time soon.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

working_together said:


> *I don't think i'm ready to date after all. I went out a couple of times with this person, it just didn't feel right, and i can't really figure out why, except that obviously i'm still healing, and emtionally i haven't moved on yet.* The person clearly wants more from me which i'm not ready for any time soon.
> 
> I tried to keep the dates from stbxh, but he knows me all too well. * He's acting angry, saying he cares and is worried, doesn't want anything to happen to me*, when i told him it was my business, he then yelled at me and said that as long as kids are involved, it is his business. I responded that the kids know nothing and will never meet him, that it's nothing serious. So i got sick from the convo, and angry that he can still get to me. He doesn't even seem happy lately, he seemed ok with the gf,but clearly he's still very angry.
> 
> ...


I'm sure this is how things will be with my wife and I when/if we separate or divorce. I know we both care and I know there are control issues as well...so I think setting boundaries are definitely important! And give it time....They saying when moving to a new state it takes up to 2 1/2 years before it can feel like home. I'm guessing the same holds true (and may take even longer) after breaking up a long term relationship? Good luck in your journey!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> He is still attached to you. He hasn't detached yet. And who set you up with this new guy? Take it easy for now. esp


I met him at the grocery story.....lol

Kidding


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

working_together said:


> I met him at the grocery story.....lol
> 
> Kidding


Hey don't laugh. Some guy tried to pick up my wife in the grocery store once. He tried to grab her melons and in response she snapped his cucumber.

Just trying to lighten the mood.

Seriously though, its an adjustment. You can't rush it. You'll know when the time is right to start dating again.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I know my stbxh hasn't detached from me to a certain extent. I'm not sure if he really loves me still, or is it about still having some control over me. He said some things that were meant to hurt me, and I always take it without a fight...grrrr. I just don't want to rock the boat. I'm so glad I write a lot on this forum about my feelings, things that happen, because I'm sure I'd still think I was freakin' crazy. During his rant at me, he actually brought up the fact that he's not mad because I decided to go on a date, that he doesn't want me back, or want to sleep with me (and he tells me this why?). Then goes on to say that the other week he never made a pass at me (wtf?), that he just wanted to "hug" me. Yeah, ok, whatever. This is his way of justifying his behavior, and spinning things around again. Again I kept my mouth shut.

The one thing I can say is that I do not have any residual feelings for him, looking at him just reminds me what a mess he is, the way he snaps all the time. It's like I'm on the outside looking in now, everything is so much clearer.

Does it help with the healing and the ability to move on? nope

I'm afraid to trust again, and I think that's pretty normal. I'm worried I'll seek out someone who is unhealthy for me. At least I'm aware of where I'm at, and can see some red flags.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Hey don't laugh. Some guy tried to pick up my wife in the grocery store once. He tried to grab her melons and in response she snapped his cucumber.
> 
> Just trying to lighten the mood.
> 
> Seriously though, its an adjustment. You can't rush it. You'll know when the time is right to start dating again.


lol, that's funny, yeah, I need some humor in my life right now.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Hey don't laugh. Some guy tried to pick up my wife in the grocery store once. He tried to grab her melons and in response she snapped his cucumber.
> 
> Just trying to lighten the mood.
> 
> Seriously though, its an adjustment. You can't rush it. You'll know when the time is right to start dating again.



I wonder how these guys end up deciding that groping her is the best way to approach her "Let us go and grab this woman's melons. She will be charmed and totally fall for you dude. "


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Oh my.....my guinea pig had babies, it's funny, we thought they were both females lol. My 21 year old was just as excited as my two younger kids, I had tears in my eyes from seeing all three kids so happy over something like a pet having babies....it's a big deal.

I guess I need a life, I'm posting about animals:rofl:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How are you today working ? I just looked at your posts in the other thread


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

working_together said:


> Oh my.....my guinea pig had babies, it's funny, we thought they were both females lol. My 21 year old was just as excited as my two younger kids, I had tears in my eyes from seeing all three kids so happy over something like a pet having babies....it's a big deal.
> 
> I guess I need a life, I'm posting about animals:rofl:


Just a heads up. Don't overcrowd the mother and try to pick up her babies or she'll eat them. The mothers are really weird for the first two months then they could care less.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> Just a heads up. Don't overcrowd the mother and try to pick up her babies or she'll eat them. The mothers are really weird for the first two months then they could care less.


I pretty much guessed that, I told the kids that we can't pick up the babies for a while, two months, that's long. We just wanna pick up the critters and hold them. Reminds me a bit of kittens.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> How are you today working ? I just looked at your posts in the other thread


Sometimes I just go off a a bit, my usual venting, I just don't want to burden my friends too much. I don't have the anger I sometimes express here...frustration? yes.

I had a bad morning yesterday, of course ex and I had words, I just feel like "fu*k off, and leave me alone", it's really hard when you have this pattern of communicating for 25 years, and to all of a sudden change it..ugh. I broke down after he asked for his $100.00 back, I told him I didn't have it right now..duh. He then went off on a bunch of stuff relating to custody, said "if you want a war, you'll have one". Then of course brought up my affair, and said he couldn't trust me since I am now a known liar. And then said he doesn't have much trust in anything any more. That pretty much did it for me. I feel like no matter what I do or say to make peace he just throws this stuff in my face, I still remember what i did to him, I'll never forget, but do I still need to be punished? I know I screwed up, but I'm not the same person I was for those few months, and he knows that. He also has some guilt about his relationship with his g/f and moving on so quickly, and giving up on our marriage and family.

I predicted that crap once I told him I didn't agree with certain things. So he felt bad after he did his usual put downs, and brought me over a tin of juice and a tv dinner ("I know you like these"). Tv dinners? I don't care for them really, he used to like eating them together once in a while when the kids were sleeping.

I decided to take the children to counseling, and myself as well. I found a place with a sliding scale.

Mediation moved to Wed. morning....6 free sessions offered by our wonderful government. A friend of a friend told me they are useless, as she is going through the same thing at the moment. I'll try to remain positive...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow...he was harassing you for the only 100 dollars he gave you? he is trying to control you through that. He does indeed seem to have some serious control issues.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Realize he has been broken to the core by the affair. You keep expecting him to stop being broken and to become healed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I've no doubt that he has been scarred by the affair but I think his broken state has been there long before she cheated. Remember, even aholes get cheated on.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Realize he has been broken to the core by the affair. You keep expecting him to stop being broken and to become healed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know the pain I have caused him, I truly do. I've seen that he has aged very much in the last year, and I feel for him in that respect. I'm not expecting him to "just get over it", in the past I sometimes expected him to "recover" a little more quickly, but after all the reading I've done now, I understand it's a process.

I guess what I did expect was that after a year or so, he would at least started to show some signs of feeling more secure, and start the healing process, especially with all the therapy he has been through addressing just the affair and triggers. I kind of expected his anger to subside slightly when he left me to pursue another relationship, and realized that our marriage was dead to him. But he still shows a lot of anger, trust issues, resentment...I thought having another woman who he had no serious issues with would make him at least a bit happier ya know? She's 8 years younger than me, he hit the jack pot.

I've come to the conclusion and believe that he did have many problems before my affair, and I spend a lot of time trying to help him over come his insecurities in his life. Nothing seemed to work. I wonder if some people just chose to continue to be the victim and actually do not want to get better??


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Wow...he was harassing you for the only 100 dollars he gave you? he is trying to control you through that. He does indeed seem to have some serious control issues.


actually he gave me $214.00 (including the 100 he lent me) in February, and in March he has given $85.00.

He keeps coming over with food, he doesn't want to look to bad on Wed. at mediation....he's not that stupid.

He does have control issues, always has. My mother keeps telling me to not accept anything from him. I told her once I start working, I will not need any money from him, and contact will be even more limited, I won't have to take his crap.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm afraid that unless he becomes aware that harboring anger and bitterness in his heart is going to kill him and poison his relationships with others, that he's doomed to continue going down hill. I truly hope for his sake and those who care deeply for him, that he is able to do an exorcism on those two demons that have taken possesion of his heart and soul.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> She's 8 years younger than me, he hit the jack pot.
> 
> I've come to the conclusion and believe that he did have many problems before my affair, and I spend a lot of time trying to help him over come his insecurities in his life. Nothing seemed to work. I wonder if some people just chose to continue to be the victim and actually do not want to get better??


My therapist has described my H the same way... victim and predicts that I will have to be the one to file or I could live in Limboland forever. She said 'victims' generally don't file because this way they continue in their role.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> My therapist has described my H the same way... victim and predicts that I will have to be the one to file or I could live in Limboland forever. She said 'victims' generally don't file because this way they continue in their role.


I can't stand people who want to remain in the victim role, or blame others for their problems. I'm not to worried about filing for divorce etc. He's pushing it along just fine. He wavers a bit, but mostly he knows that we're over and he does wish to move on. It's just that he's afraid of me moving on and being happier. Normal I guess.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

So, I'm getting some shifts at work here and there, stbxh is being very accomidating now, he realizes the the consequences of not adjusting his schedule slightly, he has a very flexible schedule, and can basically changes client's meetings around.

I guess I'll post tomorrow with some information on mediation.


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