# Work conference with my boss



## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Hello, I have been married for 5 years and together for 8. I love my husband and try to be as open and honest as I can, up to this point. My job is something I love and I am very good at. The problem is my new boss. Let's just say he is very friendly. I am the type of person that hates confrontation and I just hope that bad things will just go away. I know it makes me weak but when my boss makes inappropriate jokes, I laugh because it is awkward. He will also say things like, oh you are looking really beautiful today but it is the way he says it and looks at me . The thing is, I don't have to see him all the time and I really do love my job. He had never acted on anything and he is really just a creep. I have never told my husband because I know he will either make me quit or confront him. The real dilemma is that I am going to a conference, out of state, with my boss and one other coworker in a few months. I am so worried about it and I am thinking of backing out. My real question is, should I be telling my husband all of this? I feel guilty but we need me to have this job, so I don't want to lose it and my husband would flip out!! I appreciate any advice.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Is the boss just too friendly, or do you really feel he'll make a move on you? If he does, can you handle it?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Does your company not have a policy on this type of behaviour.Even if he is not being really overtly sexual towards you,he seems to be poisoning the workplace environment by making you uncomfortable.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Exactly why I want to back out of the conference, which is already paid for. Deep down I know he is hitting on me but he hits on a lot of the ladies, clients too! They just seem to know how to handle him. So at least he isn't targeting me but I feel like he can tell I am nervous and it gets him going more. Wish I could just tell him off. My exact fear is that he will try something at the conference and I won't know what to do. My friend said just slap him but that is not me. I think I would have a panic attack and pass out!


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Yea, I thought of going to HR but just know they love this guy because he is great at sales and brought over a large portfolio. They don't want to lose him.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Reporting him to hr or not going to the conference is not the answer. If it wasn't this guy hitting on you it would have been someone else. You need to learn how to turn down these advances and control yourself not fall for these tricks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You don't have to slap him, but you could say, in a bantering way...Gee, Henry (or whatever his name is) enough is enough, we're at a conference not in the office. If you keep that up, I'm going to have to slap you.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

The only situations where my husband isn't there is my job, so it is never an issue. Even this, I'm thinking am I overreacting and maybe he is all talk. I just don't know if this is something you tell your husband. Will it do more damage than good?


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Yea I always play the conversations out in my head. I thought of saying, my husband probably wouldn't like that and laughing but I chicken out. I know I need to do it or tell my husband because he would bd so pissed at the way I react to him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You know they say "if you give an inch,they'll take a mile",so I think you should make your boundaries clear.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

This could be nothing, if he's flirting with all the ladies, it might just be that this guy is always putting out alpha behavior... Probably related to why he's good with sales.

Is it possible for you to openly express your feelings of being made uncomfortable directly to him? I'd love to offer you a script, but I probably need to know more - first I just want to ask if this is a possibility then we'd need to talk through it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's not your husband's job. You can tell your boss you don't like it. I think this is another case of anxiety about anxiety about an imagined situation that hasn't even occurred yet is causing more anxiety than the actual event will cause. Especially when you can just hold up a hand, and say, Please, stop.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Morrigan had a similar issue at her job. I encouraged her to post on TAM to try to work through the issue. Like you she is not a confrontational person and tends to ignore a lot of things. One of the suggestions she received, and the one she decided to go with, was to talk up her husband (me) a lot. She bragged about things that I did for her, places we went together, qualities I had that she loves, etc. She said she must have mentioned me at least 20X a day. Eventually the guy got tired of hearing about me and just moved on. I'm not saying it will work with this guy but its something to consider.

Edit: I do think you should tell your husband. Not telling him could seriously jeopardize the trust you have built between you. If you don't tell him he's going to think you enjoyed this man's attention and that could create a lot more problems for you.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Yes, exactly what I worry about the most, that I'm making it up in my head. He makes sexual comments all the time and everyone is ok with it. Why am I not ok with it? It is fine when I am not included in his comments. I guess the conference is the real test. What do I say if he wants to go for drinks after. He has already brought that up.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Yes, exactly what I worry about the most, that I'm making it up in my head. He makes sexual comments all the time and everyone is ok with it. Why am I not ok with it? It is fine when I am not included in his comments. I guess the conference is the real test. *What do I say if he wants to go for drinks after. He has already brought that up*.


Umm, no.

Tell him you only go out drinking with your husband. If he wants to invite him to come with you both then you'll think about it.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Morrigan had a similar issue at her job. I encouraged her to post on TAM to try to work through the issue. Like you she is not a confrontational person and tends to ignore a lot of things. One of the suggestions she received, and the one she decided to go with, was to talk up her husband (me) a lot. She bragged about things that I did for her, places we went together, qualities I had that she loves, etc. She said she must have mentioned me at least 20X a day. Eventually the guy got tired of hearing about me and just moved on. I'm not saying it will work with this guy but its something to consider.
> 
> Edit: I do think you should tell your husband. Not telling him could seriously jeopardize the trust you have built between you. If you don't tell him he's going to think you enjoyed this man's attention and that could create a lot more problems for you.


Yea that is a good idea of talking up my husband. I can try that and see. If I tell my husband he will definitely want me to quit, so if I can end his comments on my own is that not ok?


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Umm, no.
> 
> Tell him you only go out drinking with your husband. If he wants to invite him to come with you both then you'll think about it.


But we are out of state at a conference and my husband is not there. I just hope I'm not making this into a bigger deal than it is. I mean everyone loves the guy. I think he is a creepy jerk but that's just me. Plus, another coworker is going. I was thinking of saying I wasn't feeling well at dinner.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Yea that is a good idea of talking up my husband. I can try that and see. If I tell my husband he will definitely want me to quit, so if I can end his comments on my own is that not ok?


Can't you sit down with your husband and tell him what's going on. Explain what you are planning to do and ask him his opinion of how you are thinking of handling it. Also, and please don't take this as an insult, but if you tell your husband before you go to this conference you will be less likely to allow yourself to be swayed into doing something you don't really want to. Maybe you can be texting your husband a lot so you can stay connected while away. There was a woman not long ago on the CWI section. She went to a conference, got talked into drinks with a guy, she thinks she might have been drugged but the end result was she woke up in his bed. You really don't want to know how that turned out. If this guy is fishing, don't let yourself become the bait, or the daily catch.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Start learning about assertiveness, now. There will always be some creep taking advantage of your lack of assertiveness. 

His conduct is totally inappropriate, and you need to tell him yourself. It would also be completely inappropriate to have your husband get involved (other than listening and talking to you about it). I honestly encourage you to practice saying whatever you decide to say--practice, practice, practice, until the words slip off your tongue. And be prepared to say it more than once. But you need to document your responses in your diary or daily planner, just in case it gets out of hand at any point. Don't let this man ruin your career--and he could. He could retaliate-which is why documenting it and making a confidential complaint to HR is really your best safeguard. 

there is nothing "alpha" about bringing sexual comments into the workplace. A law suit for harassment is going to cost a lot more than the sales he brings in. 

Do yourself a favor and get the guts to say it long before the trip. If anything untoward happens on the trip--that makes you the least uncomfortable--be sure to remind him that you have already told him you were not interested in that type of language/actions/whatever, and you consider any repeat of that behavior in your presence to be harassment. Talk to a lawyer if you need to, before hand, to help you find the courage--b/c you have rights too, you know.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I hope I don't come across as a jerk because I mean to be helpful and constructive. But honestly I've seen a lot of this and you sound like easy pickings for a seasoned salesman. I doubt you would say no if he goes for the hard sell. Your best defense is to involve your hubby right away. And I'd skip the conference until you can grow a spine and learn some boundary skills.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

How would you feel if your spouse was dealing with this issue and didnt let you in on it? NO secrets. thye are poison. When you feel uncomfortable with something such as that, time to put that foot down. dont let him take advantage! do something about it! you will feel better.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Yea, I thought of going to HR but just know they love this guy because he is great at sales and brought over a large portfolio. They don't want to lose him.


If you get him on tape, HR will drop him like a hot potato. I'm not advising this is the route you take, but don't worry about HR not having your back.

If someone isn't in a managerial position, a company is only liable if they become aware of harassment and don't take action. As a manager, the company is liable even if nobody knows about the harassment.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> Yes, exactly what I worry about the most, that I'm making it up in my head. He makes sexual comments all the time and everyone is ok with it. Why am I not ok with it? It is fine when I am not included in his comments. I guess the conference is the real test. What do I say if he wants to go for drinks after. He has already brought that up.


This is the kind of more info I was needing. It sounded before like maybe he was harmless, but this sounds more like it crosses some borders about what is appropriate.

Saying no should be obvious about the drinks.

Stronger would be "Mr. Bananapants, I am a happily married woman and I am here strictly for business. Thank you for the offer, but how I spend my personal time is between my husband and myself."

And beyond that, do not engage any discussion. "I have stated my position and there is nothing further to discuss"

Now, I think everyone else has made it clear to discuss with your husband. My suggestion would be perhaps if your husband is good at seducing you, you could practice?

As for HR... I don't think we know enough about where you work to say whether it's a good idea or not. If it's a big company, it probably is a good idea and HR should be big enough that their concern is liability. Start with getting the sexual harassment policy. If it's a smaller company, you could be right and should try dealing with this yourself first by talking with your husband.

If the company was to choose this guy over you in a dispute, I'd suggest you re-evaluate whether this is really the best choice of employer.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> But we are out of state at a conference and my husband is not there. I just hope I'm not making this into a bigger deal than it is. I mean everyone loves the guy. I think he is a creepy jerk but that's just me. Plus, another coworker is going. I was thinking of saying I wasn't feeling well at dinner.


You need to be aware of what this could be, because there is a simple process used by pickup artists, and if you recognize it then you have a better chance of shutting it down.

The three step process is instigate, isolate, escalate.

The first step is the icebreakers, this is the stuff you're seeing him do all the time.

The next step is getting you alone... going out for drinks could be a step towards that. Relaxing your inhibitions with alchohol makes you more vulnerable because you can be more susceptible to suggestion.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Why not simply tell him how you feel and that you are not interested in what you perceive as his advances?
If he meant nothing ,then he will stop.
If he is targeting you ,then he will still have to stop.
The most important thing is what _you say at this point_.
Predators usually read your body language,and they will know if you are weak.

Always trust your feminine instincts,
Stop second guessing yourself.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you can't handle the situation perhaps what your husband would say to you, to quit, is a good idea. I don't know that I'd let a spouse tell me I should quit a job cause some guy is making the moves on me, it sounds like you are cowing down both at work and at home too. Maybe you could get some IC or seek out assertiveness training. What are you going to do when you get to a nursing home and the old codgers are hassling you when you go for meals? At some point, you need to use your own voice to set your own boundaries.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.

1) Sexual harassment is judged by a subjective standard, not objective standard. The question from a legal perspective is "how does it make the person being harassed feel?" It doesn't matter if someone else at the company feels like you're not being harassed. The fact is, you feel like you're being harassed and it's making you very uncomfortable in your workplace. This a textbook sexual harassment and in this day and age, I don't care how big a guy's "portfolio" is, if he's engaging in this behavior, he's a huge liability and employers don't want that on their backs. 

2) Tell your ****ing husband already. Let him know you are handling it, but you wanted him to know about it. Tell him HR is getting involved.

3) Don't worry for a minute about something bad happening to you from a company perspective. If you are demoted, fired, not considered for a promotion after you report this harassment, it's called retaliation and it is illegal.

I wish I had you as a client. I could make us both a boatload!

For the sake of your marriage and your sanity, handle this immediately. The fact that this guy is already talking about drinks at the conference means he wants to examine your labia. Use common sense here. No job is worth losing a husband because you were too cowardly to do what is right. I'm sorry for being so direct, but hopefully you will get the point.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

C123 said:


> I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.
> 
> 1) Sexual harassment is judged by a subjective standard, not objective standard. The question from a legal perspective is "how does it make the person being harassed feel?" It doesn't matter if someone else at the company feels like you're not being harassed. The fact is, you feel like you're being harassed and it's making you very uncomfortable in your workplace. This a textbook sexual harassment and in this day and age, I don't care how big a guy's "portfolio" is, if he's engaging in this behavior, he's a huge liability and employers don't want that on their backs.
> 
> ...


100% Concur. Take this and Sisters advice to heart and run with it now!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

WillK said:


> You need to be aware of what this could be, because there is a simple process used by pickup artists, and if you recognize it then you have a better chance of shutting it down.
> 
> The three step process is instigate, isolate, escalate.
> 
> ...


This is how I saw it also which is why I posted about that other woman in the CWI forum. This guy is fishing with all the women to see which ones might bite or which ones will be vulnerable. If he is "interacting" more with Christine than with some of the others then he has already identified her as prey. The fact that he has already mentioned drinks with her just solidifies my opinion. She needs to throw up her shield with this guy and let her husband know. It sounds like she's concerned her husband will demand she quit but I'm hoping he's reasonable and will support her and maybe even have some good advice. She needs to tell him regardless. There are no secrets in a good marriage.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Christine - this will sound like a broken record, but you have 2 options: (A) you should, in this order (1) tell your husband that your boss makes inappropriate comments and you are going to, make a list of examples and discuss with HR and (2) make a list of examples and discuss with HR. If he is a rainmaker, they'll likely have a discussion with him. Others may have already reported him. If they do not keeo it anonymous things may be awkward, but they cannot legally retaliate against you in any way.

Or (B), make a list of examples and keep it to yourself, then talk to your husband. Then go talk to your boss about his comments. Do not be passive aggressive ("oh, my husband is so wonderful"). Say, "Henry, I don't like your jokes and innuendo, I am sure it is just playful, but it makes me uncomfortable and would appreciate if you cut it out." You get his respect this way. But, it becomes a he-said she-said sh*t show if he wants to retaliate.

You do not want your husband to find out after there is an issue. It looks really bad and will make him think you have something to hide. Think about if there was a girl at his job that was inappropriate and he did not tell you. Then he comes home and says he was fired because she claims he hit on her. Even if you sue, the cross examination would be - well did you tell anyone that this was happening? Not even your husband?


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Just wanted to respond to some of your comments. I do know I have to work on being more assertive at work and in my life. My husband kind of runs things and I know my friends have told me I don't even stand up to him, but that is another story. If you knew my husband, you wouldn't tell him about this either! Now he is not abusive, so don't think that. He is just very protective. Now back to my boss, I read all of the comments about sexual harrassment and that just won't work. He has never made a move on me and he makes these comments in front of others. Here is an example of what he does, so we went on a sales call together with 2 other male coworkers. Driving back, he says "if Christine was wearing a skirt it would have made the sale much easier." They all laugh and I did too and I said haha real funny. I actually stopped wearing skirts to work because of him. He would always comment on my legs, so now I just wear pants. He notices that I don't wear skirts anymore. You know, it is almost like he enjoys making me uncomfortable. It is really sick and mean of him. 

I think I'm going to try talking up my husband in front of him, like you said and maybe he will get bored of it. If he doesn't then I know I have to put my foot down. I'll probably freak out but I know I have to tell him to stop. We have a meeting today so I'll try it out. Thanks for all of your help. It is so nice to get this out, even if it is just online.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> Just wanted to respond to some of your comments. I do know I have to work on being more assertive at work and in my life. My husband kind of runs things and I know my friends have told me I don't even stand up to him, but that is another story. If you knew my husband, you wouldn't tell him about this either! Now he is not abusive, so don't think that. He is just very protective. Now back to my boss, I read all of the comments about sexual harrassment and that just won't work. He has never made a move on me and he makes these comments in front of others. Here is an example of what he does, so we went on a sales call together with 2 other male coworkers. Driving back, he says "if Christine was wearing a skirt it would have made the sale much easier." They all laugh and I did too and I said haha real funny. I actually stopped wearing skirts to work because of him. He would always comment on my legs, so now I just wear pants. He notices that I don't wear skirts anymore. You know, it is almost like he enjoys making me uncomfortable. It is really sick and mean of him.
> 
> I think I'm going to try talking up my husband in front of him, like you said and maybe he will get bored of it. *If he doesn't then I know I have to put my foot down. I'll probably freak out but I know I have to tell him to stop. We have a meeting today so I'll try it out. Thanks for all of your help. It is so nice to get this out, even if it is just online.*



^^^^^^^^
This is a good start.
Make sure when you tell him to stop,you do it in front of his/ your work colleagues who are within earshot.
Just in case he should try to turn it around and make you look guilty.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Your example of the skirt comment is sexual harassment. An HR person would fire them for that alone.

My advice? Get another job and drop the bomb in HR on the way out. No woman should have to work in an environment like that. At least do it so another woman won't have to go through that.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

In my experience, this kind of thing happens somewhat frequently with some personalities. They're too familiar, but if you pay no attention and let it roll off your back, it becomes just a pesky issue instead of a big problem.

If he wants to go out for drinks, just say you need to go back to your room to get some work done and call your husband. Or, if it's necessary for you to be there, go and have a Coke, and then tell them you need to go do some work and call your husband. 

It really doesn't have to be a big confrontation. And it doesn't have to fill you with such anxiety, either. 

This kind of stuff used to bother me when I was younger, but it happens so often in sales and consulting, that I couldn't keep being outraged all the time. Unless someone really crosses the line - then you tell them they've crossed a line and you would like an apology.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Yea, I thought of going to HR but just know they love this guy because he is great at sales and brought over a large portfolio. They don't want to lose him.


I had a couple of guys that kept doing that to me at work and I laughed it off for awhile for almost the same reasons as you, but it just ended up getting worse. I finally had to get a spine and tell them to have some respect and that they'd gone too far and I didn't appreciate being talked to like that. They stopped. Sometimes you have to confront the problem head-on.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If the offender isn't the owner of the business, going over his head should suffice. If he is, then you may have to look for employment elsewhere.
I've seen plant managers in large corporations be called on the carpet for similar action.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> Now back to my boss, I read all of the comments about sexual harrassment and that just won't work. He has never made a move on me and he makes these comments in front of others. Here is an example of what he does, so we went on a sales call together with 2 other male coworkers. Driving back, he says "if Christine was wearing a skirt it would have made the sale much easier." They all laugh and I did too and I said haha real funny. I actually stopped wearing skirts to work because of him. He would always comment on my legs, so now I just wear pants. He notices that I don't wear skirts anymore. You know, it is almost like he enjoys making me uncomfortable. It is really sick and mean of him.
> 
> I think I'm going to try talking up my husband in front of him, like you said and maybe he will get bored of it. If he doesn't then I know I have to put my foot down. I'll probably freak out but I know I have to tell him to stop. We have a meeting today so I'll try it out. Thanks for all of your help. It is so nice to get this out, even if it is just online.


My goodness, this is almost the definition of sexual harassment. If you will not discuss this with HR or your boss, then how can things improve. If you are too scared to take the correct action, then you should quit. Think about this reasonably though, google sexual harassment, be comfortable that that is what is going on, talk to HR. Worst that happens is that they fire you and you sue (and win) for retaliation. What are you scared of, awkwardness?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

You ask for advice. You're given good, solid advice and then you tell us it won't work.

A sexual harassment claim "won't work"? What you mean is that you are too scared to go down that road. That's okay, just admit it.

The fact is, a man could say far less inappropriate things to you than your boss's skirt comment and if the effect is such that it causes you to be uncomfortable in your workplace, IT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

When your boss goes after you aggressively on this business trip and you're too afraid of the losing your "great job" to stop his advances, don't look for any sympathy.

I don't mean to come across as mean spirited, but what is happening here is as clear as day. It's 2012. This isn't Mad Men. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Have to "like" C123's post again. I'm an attorney who deals mainly with in-house employment issues, and C123 absolutely knows what he's talking about. You'd be well-advised to listen to what he's saying, because I couldn't say it any better.

As in-house counsel, I can tell you that if I see a sexual harrassment complaint cross my desk, I'm going to take it extremely seriously, as do our HR folks. C123 is right, you have the basis for a complaint RIGHT NOW.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Ok so the whole reason I don't want to go down the sexual harrassment road, is I don't feel it is that because I haven't said that I want him to stop. I think at this point, I am at fault for not standing up to him. If I laugh, he probably thinks it is ok even if it does make me uncomfortable. So I want to try and have the guts to do that first. If it continues, I probably will end up looking for another place to work, eventhough I love it here - minus the boss. Anyways, Like norajane was talking about, this is very normal for my line of work so I don't want to overreact. I know I need to work on myself because what if this happens at the next job.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> be comfortable that that is what is going on, talk to HR. Worst that happens is that they fire you and you sue (and win) for retaliation. What are you scared of, awkwardness?


Requoted for truth!

If they fire you they will pay you far more than your wage to settle this. If this was done in front of others, the other guys won't lie. They will turn on their boss to save their own skin.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The next time he makes a "joke" don't laugh. Don't even respond. Just walk away.

I would want my wife to tell me this. Not because I would put my fist through his skull, but because I could be there to let her vent on me and she wouldn't feel like she couldnt talk to me about it.

I would trust her to handle it professionally but firmly.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Just wanted to respond to some of your comments. I do know I have to work on being more assertive at work and in my life. My husband kind of runs things and I know my friends have told me I don't even stand up to him, but that is another story. If you knew my husband, you wouldn't tell him about this either! Now he is not abusive, so don't think that. He is just very protective. Now back to my boss, I read all of the comments about sexual harrassment and that just won't work. He has never made a move on me and he makes these comments in front of others. Here is an example of what he does, so we went on a sales call together with 2 other male coworkers. Driving back, he says "if Christine was wearing a skirt it would have made the sale much easier." They all laugh and I did too and I said haha real funny. I actually stopped wearing skirts to work because of him. He would always comment on my legs, so now I just wear pants. He notices that I don't wear skirts anymore. You know, it is almost like he enjoys making me uncomfortable. It is really sick and mean of him.
> 
> I think I'm going to try talking up my husband in front of him, like you said and maybe he will get bored of it. If he doesn't then I know I have to put my foot down. I'll probably freak out but I know I have to tell him to stop. We have a meeting today so I'll try it out. Thanks for all of your help. It is so nice to get this out, even if it is just online.


This pi$$es me off to no end. If a man said that to Morrigan I'd be livid. Don't let this continue. Its not just disrespectful, its blatant.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

I just want to add that I hope you all don't feel like I'm not thinking about all you have to say. It is really helping me. People are different, and to most of you it may not make sense why I wouldn't just easily be able to stand up for myself or why I couldn't easily just walk up to HR and report him. It just is not easy for me and so I want to take all of your advice, I am just trying to get the guts to do it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Ok so the whole reason I don't want to go down the sexual harrassment road, is I don't feel it is that because I haven't said that I want him to stop.


You shouldn't have to tell a guy to stop. The skirt comment is out of line, period, stop, end of sentence.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Ok. I understand where you're coming from, but I want you to step out of your own shoes and consider a hypothetical. 

You're best girl friend tells you that she loves her job, but is thinking of leaving because a coworker is always bullying her and telling her that she is going to kick her s$$. Your coworker doesn't want to leave this job, just wants to be free of the bullying. However, she doesn't want to deal with it so she's just going to find somewhere else to work despite the fact that she won't like it nearly as much.

See where I'm going here? You would slap your friend in the face and tell her to deal with the situation. How dare she let someone like that affect her life to such a degree and even worse, how dare she let that person ruin her dream job.

This is your slap in the face: SLAP!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Ok so the whole reason I don't want to go down the sexual harrassment road, is I don't feel it is that because I haven't said that I want him to stop. I think at this point, I am at fault for not standing up to him. If I laugh, he probably thinks it is ok even if it does make me uncomfortable. So I want to try and have the guts to do that first. If it continues, I probably will end up looking for another place to work, eventhough I love it here - minus the boss. Anyways, Like norajane was talking about, this is very normal for my line of work so I don't want to overreact. I know I need to work on myself because what if this happens at the next job.


Christine, like I said before Morrigan is also non confrontational. So you handle this whatever way you are comfortable handling it. But you have to handle it. You can't allow this POS to treat you this way. And if you make the decision to find another job please get HR involved first. You'll be helping other women and saving them from having to deal with this [email protected]


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I generally use humor...you can say a lot of things with a smile.

In a meeting where the frat boy talk was starting, I just stopped, smiled, and said, "hey, I know you're all comfortable and think of me as one of the guys, but I don't actually want to be treated like one of the guys, especially not one of the guys in a locker room."

They got it.

When you get a legs comment, go ahead and laugh, but then add that this was the last time your legs should be any kind of topic of conversation, thank you, " or "yeah, thanks but we're not going to be talking about my legs anymore, ever."

They'll get it.

Camaraderie is good, but they need to know your boundaries.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

sinnister said:


> The next time he makes a "joke" don't laugh. Don't even respond. Just walk away.
> 
> I would want my wife to tell me this. Not because I would put my fist through his skull, but because I could be there to let her vent on me and she wouldn't feel like she couldnt talk to me about it.
> 
> I would trust her to handle it professionally but firmly.


Well, I think that is great that you would trust your wife. My husband would see red as soon as I even mention anything my boss has said to me. He would want to confront him and I don't think he would even hear me. I don't want him in jail or something, sounds extreme but he can have a temper. There was a Halloween party we went one year. I was meeting him there with my friends. I decided to dress up in something sexy and thought it would be fun. I thought wrong, I will never forget his face. He flipped out big time. His knuckles are still messed up from it. Never hit me or would he ever but he did wreck the inside of my car because he was so pissed. He said it was so disrespectful to show up like that and there were guys looking at me. So now, with this going on, I just think back to that night. I must handle this and move on....I'm just glad these posts are giving me some courage.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

C123 said:


> Ok. I understand where you're coming from, but I want you to step out of your own shoes and consider a hypothetical.
> 
> You're best girl friend tells you that she loves her job, but is thinking of leaving because a coworker is always bullying her and telling her that she is going to kick her s$$. Your coworker doesn't want to leave this job, just wants to be free of the bullying. However, she doesn't want to deal with it so she's just going to find somewhere else to work despite the fact that she won't like it nearly as much.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are so right and I know you are right. I wish I could slap him! I'm going to figure this out before the conference for sure.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Christine, like I said before Morrigan is also non confrontational. So you handle this whatever way you are comfortable handling it. But you have to handle it. You can't allow this POS to treat you this way. And if you make the decision to find another job please get HR involved first. You'll be helping other women and saving them from having to deal with this [email protected]


Yes, I was even thinking of asking another female coworker about it and see how they feel about him. Again, I know it needs to be handled and wish it never went this far. This is all I think about! Maybe if another coworker would go to HR with me...yes I know so weak!


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> I generally use humor...you can say a lot of things with a smile.
> 
> In a meeting where the frat boy talk was starting, I just stopped, smiled, and said, "hey, I know you're all comfortable and think of me as one of the guys, but I don't actually want to be treated like one of the guys, especially not one of the guys in a locker room."
> 
> ...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Well, I think that is great that you would trust your wife. My husband would see red as soon as I even mention anything my boss has said to me. He would want to confront him and I don't think he would even hear me. I don't want him in jail or something, sounds extreme but he can have a temper. There was a Halloween party we went one year. I was meeting him there with my friends. I decided to dress up in something sexy and thought it would be fun. I thought wrong, I will never forget his face. He flipped out big time. *His knuckles are still messed up from it. Never hit me or would he ever but he did wreck the inside of my car because he was so pissed.* He said it was so disrespectful to show up like that and there were guys looking at me. So now, with this going on, I just think back to that night. I must handle this and move on....I'm just glad these posts are giving me some courage.


Christine, this kinda bothers me. I'm sure your husband is a wonderful man but sometimes people don't always realize the ways in which we affect others around us. Maybe its your husband's temper that is making you somewhat timid, not only at home but outside of the home as well. I'm not sure the ages of you and your husband. I'll admit to having a temper when I was young also. But then I grew up. I think it may be prudent for you and your husband to think about counseling. Especially counseling for his anger issues. Its obviously affecting your entire life. Maybe before this you didn't see it but I bet you see it now right?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I really like that approach because it is kind of joking but serious. I will try that thank you.


It really does work, especially with people who are just being thoughtless and stupid. At my company, if someone makes an off-color joke, it's not unusual for someone else to joke, "good thing HR wasn't in the room to hear that!" and laugh. 

It's enough to get the point across without coming off as humorless or litigious. Not ideal, but it does shut that sh*t down and there is less and less of it over time once they realize you don't play that way.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Christine31 said:


> Well, I think that is great that you would trust your wife. My husband would see red as soon as I even mention anything my boss has said to me. He would want to confront him and I don't think he would even hear me. I don't want him in jail or something, sounds extreme but he can have a temper. There was a Halloween party we went one year. I was meeting him there with my friends. I decided to dress up in something sexy and thought it would be fun. I thought wrong, I will never forget his face. He flipped out big time. His knuckles are still messed up from it. Never hit me or would he ever but he did wreck the inside of my car because he was so pissed. He said it was so disrespectful to show up like that and there were guys looking at me. So now, with this going on, I just think back to that night. I must handle this and move on....I'm just glad these posts are giving me some courage.


That scenario screams of insecurity, immaturity and instability. I wouldnt know how to proceed either if I were in your shoes.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Christine, this kinda bothers me. I'm sure your husband is a wonderful man but sometimes people don't always realize the ways in which we affect others around us. Maybe its your husband's temper that is making you somewhat timid, not only at home but outside of the home as well. I'm not sure the ages of you and your husband. I'll admit to having a temper when I was young also. But then I grew up. I think it may be prudent for you and your husband to think about counseling. Especially counseling for his anger issues. Its obviously affecting your entire life. Maybe before this you didn't see it but I bet you see it now right?


Yes I know that was extreme but he had also been drinking. I have not seen that type of anger since that party but I just could see where he could go there again with this situation. He is really a great husband and just cares about me. I don't think the counseling is a bad idea but he would never go. I might need to go myself but again, not something he would be cool with.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

To think about it, if he knew I was posting on here wow not good. Do all of your spouses know you are on this forum?


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> Well, I think that is great that you would trust your wife. My husband would see red as soon as I even mention anything my boss has said to me. He would want to confront him and I don't think he would even hear me. I don't want him in jail or something, sounds extreme but he can have a temper. There was a Halloween party we went one year. I was meeting him there with my friends. I decided to dress up in something sexy and thought it would be fun. I thought wrong, I will never forget his face. He flipped out big time. His knuckles are still messed up from it. Never hit me or would he ever but he did wreck the inside of my car because he was so pissed. He said it was so disrespectful to show up like that and there were guys looking at me. So now, with this going on, I just think back to that night. I must handle this and move on....I'm just glad these posts are giving me some courage.


I was not going to chime in because you already had so much good advice I would just be repeating, but now I feel compelled to say that your husband sounds like someone who needs anger management. He is not being "protective" of you if he goes to jail or smashes things up out of uncontrollable anger. I'm not sure you could get your husband's anger issues resolved in time to deal with this job issue, but it seems that perhaps you are excusing him because he doesn't hit you. If a man went around smashing walls because someone looked at their wife, I think she'd have a right to be scared, even if he never, ever laid a hand on her.

That said, I just started a new job and went through all of the new training. If you work for a firm with a clear harrassment policy, you should understand that this guy is a classic case. It does NOT matter if you expressed your dislike of the comments, or if others feel they are ok (I think you are making a huge assumption there anyway). I do not even feel comfortable telling a woman that she looks nice today, so him commenting on your legs is out of bounds. As I was trained, it is how YOU, as the recipient feel about the interaction, not how it was intended. 

I understand that nothing is perfect, HR could drop the ball, etc. Please protect yourself. The ideas of talking to an attorney seem smart, at least talk to someone and document, document, document.

Good luck, you are in a tough situation and wish you well.

(Edit - you added the part about drinking while I was typing, but I still worry a bit. I think even if I did not want to do counseling or support it, if my wife said she was going because she had an issue at work and I were too angry of a person to support her, I'd consider that a wake up call.)


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Christine31 said:


> To think about it, if he knew I was posting on here wow not good. Do all of your spouses know you are on this forum?


The more you post about your husband...the more I see your problem standing up to this man at work isn't your own doing.

Something (or someone) has slowly sapped your vigour.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

I feel like I have made my husband sound like the villain here. That was one story and there are so many happy stories. Bottom line, we have 2 young kids and I would never leave him. His mom cheated on his dad when he was a kid so he has trust issues. I knew what I was getting into and so it is what it is. I appreciate your comments and I know I have to work on myself and maybe one day he will let me go to counseling - I will have to work on that after I tackle the boss issue.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Let you go to counseling? Do you believe you need his permission?


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm sure your husband is great, even great people can have issues dealing with anger. He's not the only one whose parents had similar issues, but that does not justify the behavior. 

The fact that you write this, "I appreciate your comments and I know I have to work on myself and maybe one day he will let me go to counseling..." only reinforces the perception that while you may have a great marriage on many fronts, this one area does need work (and most likely is cutting your ability to deal with the work scenario). 

Maybe just a bad choice of words, but the concept of "letting" you do things sounds wrong.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

If you do go (and I think you should), as soon as "drinks" are mentioned, you should leave and get away from him immediately and go back to your room or something. Soon as he gets a couple in him, he'll get more intrusive.

Sounds like he's the "everybody likes me" guy (when most don't) in your office. There's one in every office.

Stand up to him. In today's workplace, everyone knows that type of behavior can get you fired. Right or wrong, it's how it works.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

norajane said:


> Let you go to counseling? Do you believe you need his permission?


Yes for something like that. I would be telling a stranger personal things about him too. He would have to be ok with it.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> If you do go (and I think you should), as soon as "drinks" are mentioned, you should leave and get away from him immediately and go back to your room or something. Soon as he gets a couple in him, he'll get more intrusive.
> 
> Sounds like he's the "everybody likes me" guy (when most don't) in your office. There's one in every office.
> 
> Stand up to him. In today's workplace, everyone knows that type of behavior can get you fired. Right or wrong, it's how it works.


Yes, hopefully I can either say I am not feeling well or I'm going to call my husband. If he comes to my door, I just won't answer. Wish it was only one night! Yes, everyone seems to love him! I want to try and see what another female coworker thinks but we will see.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

PM1 said:


> I'm sure your husband is great, even great people can have issues dealing with anger. He's not the only one whose parents had similar issues, but that does not justify the behavior.
> 
> The fact that you write this, "I appreciate your comments and I know I have to work on myself and maybe one day he will let me go to counseling..." only reinforces the perception that while you may have a great marriage on many fronts, this one area does need work (and most likely is cutting your ability to deal with the work scenario).
> 
> Maybe just a bad choice of words, but the concept of "letting" you do things sounds wrong.


Yes, maybe wrong choice of words. He would have to be ok with it. Although, usually I ask if it is ok for me to go somewhere but I'm really asking if he is ok or comfortable with it. It matters to me. Although, it may not justify his behavior, I know I can't change him. I have learned how to handle him and it works out fine. I do get how this could be linked to my work issue, so again I will try to work on me. Thanks.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> I have learned how to handle him and it works out fine.


You'll probably find out this gets tedious as the years pass.

Btw,I'm surprised that you work in sales as you don't come off as gregarious and are admittedly not outspoken.Other than how your boss makes you feel,do you sometimes feel out of your comfort zone when doing your job?


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Christine, 

You sound like a really sweet lady and a wonderful wife to your husband. I don't have a whole lot to add other than support for what many on here have said. 

Your husband sounds a bit like I use to be years ago. I had some trust issues and some insecurity and made a fool of myself a few times. I always recognized my mistakes right away, however. I just fear that you are "ok" with your husband right now but on down the road you may get tired of this. Don't let this build up. Coming from a man there is a very fine line between being a protective husband and being OVER protective/possessive. 

Your boss makes me sick. I can't stand men who treat women, especially married women, that way. He's your boss! This is not proper behavior for a man in a power position. Don't rugsweep this! 

Last thing and I'll shut up. Be careful which lady friend at work you speak with. At my old school I worked at I wouldn't even walk into the teacher's lounge in the mornings because of all of the gossiping and back stabbing that went on in there from most of the female teachers. Sometimes people like to spread gossip so you need to talk to someone you can trust.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> I just want to add that I hope you all don't feel like I'm not thinking about all you have to say. It is really helping me. People are different, and to most of you it may not make sense why I wouldn't just easily be able to stand up for myself or why I couldn't easily just walk up to HR and report him. It just is not easy for me and so I want to take all of your advice, I am just trying to get the guts to do it.


You've been given very good advice on a variety of ways to deal with the situation directly. The only other aspect I would add is that you need to be aware that by you being coy & not firmly and directly standing up to him, you are making his 'chase' of you very, very, VERY enticing. Stop playing the game with him. The more you change your behavior (stopping wearing skirts, avoiding him, being nervous around him) the more power you give him over you. He already knows he makes you uncomfortable. He knows he is crossing your boundaries. He knows you are married. He also knows that so far you are acting like prey - something fun to chase and kill/conquer. And for some people, by not saying "NO" you are saying "YES - try harder".

I understand your submissive personality, I have it in spades as well. If it helps, think of situations like this with a big mental sieve in your hand. What will you allow to pass through? What would be acceptable for a friend, a daughter, a mother, a sister to pass through? if it won't pass through for them then it shouldn't for you either. That alone should help hopefully.

I agree with other posters as well that you should document, and tell your husband. You are not responsible for any possible bad behavior from your husband. He is a grown man. You respected him enough to marry him, respect that he will do the right thing now. You are responsible for letting him know about things that distress you and that will give him the opportunity to 'man up' in whatever way he deems necessary to help you with this situation. Help you, not necessarily take over for you. There is a big difference. If an intruder breaks into the house and he charges you need to be right there beside him swinging a broom. This is not much different imho. You are being attacked, let him help you.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

TBT said:


> You'll probably find out this gets tedious as the years pass.
> 
> Btw,I'm surprised that you work in sales as you don't come off as gregarious and are admittedly not outspoken.Other than how your boss makes you feel,do you sometimes feel out of your comfort zone when doing your job?


No sales for me! I actually manage the service side and I really do well at taking care of our High net worth clients. I will go on some of the client meetings to add that personal touch. The only time I am out of my comfort zone is presenting to a large group of people. With clients one on one, I do great. Also, the initial sales calls I will go sometimes to talk about what sets us apart on the service side - hate those too but love my clients!


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> Yes, hopefully I can either say I am not feeling well or I'm going to call my husband. If he comes to my door, I just won't answer. Wish it was only one night! Yes, everyone seems to love him! I want to try and see what another female coworker thinks but we will see.


You can do better than make up phony excuses. Do you think he won't see through it?

I'll try again, here's my suggested script:

"Mr. Bananapants, I am a happily married woman and I am here strictly for business. Thank you for the offer, but how I spend my personal time is between my husband and myself."

And beyond that, do not engage any discussion. "I have stated my position and there is nothing further to discuss"

Practice it in a mirror, or take a stuffed animal and pretend it's mister bananapants and practice telling him off until you can do it with gusto!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you go to the confrence then affair proof you marriage. if any time in your marriage you need to pretend your H is next to you when he is not is when you are that confrence. Get it?

No matter what your guy is always standing next to you.

If you go now is the time to get the strength to be confront bad sitchs. and protect your marriage.

It sound like you have some great tools and good advice, but when push comes to shuv there may be a time to push back.

By the way do you have a picture of your old man on your desk, do have a picture in your purse?

Besides acting and behaving like your man is alway next to you, you can also dowt...admire him infront of your boss and others.

So showing and telling others/boss how much you respect your man and what a great man he is and how much you love him it will afffair proof your marriage even more.

And stay away from the sexual indoendos, by fighting back with a reference to your husband any time it gets slide into the convo. and redirect the topic with work or how great your marriage is.

Hopefully you won't have a confrontation by making it fully appearent that you are happy in your marriage.

And if he comes knocking on your hotel door in the middle of the night then simple tell the boss you are on the phone with your husband and will talk to him at work. DO not open the door....sure a confrontation but that would be the time to be at your strongest. Look at the picture of your husband on the night stand and hoefully it will give you strength.

Also make sure the accomidation are such that your husband will be comfortable. Ive heard of stories were there is a double bed and the promise of nothing going to happen....then the boozes starts to flow and BAM you made a mistake that will effect the rest of you life.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Christine31 said:


> To think about it, if he knew I was posting on here wow not good. Do all of your spouses know you are on this forum?


This is why it's an anonymous forum! But yes, my wife knows I visit and she has no interest in what I'm saying. She's heard it for years! Even if she did visit, she doesn't know my username.

Keep posting here on any subject you want to talk about. There are a lot of good people here with great advice from years of experience. It really helps people.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Cr*p, you even stopped wearing skirts on account of this guy?
That sounds dismal. I'd never stop showing my legs to avoid comment from a guy. I'd say something, too bad you can only look and never touch, you know there's an a**-kicking foot attached to the end of it. And I'd do the joking thing right back at him. Nobody keeps me from wearing a skirt. Women should have a right to look attractive and feel attractive wherever and for whatever they please, and no guy has the right to make them feel bad about it and censor what G*d gave them. I can see not wearing extremely short skirts to any workplace except H**ters or something like that, but not dressing as one pleases in the attractive range, no way. You have a choice, you can do whatever it takes to make your environment more pleasant and livable for yourself without all this anxiety and self-censoring that's starting to eat away at you, or you can choose to try a different, more suitable environment and hope to G*d that it stays that way, because any old Joe can walk in the door and get hired at a new place, and then you're on the run again. How long do you want to keep running away from this stuff? It's not like your body is going to disappear. You have to live with it 24x7. It comes with a voice, there is a reason for that.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Christine31 said:


> I feel like I have made my husband sound like the villain here. That was one story and there are so many happy stories. Bottom line, we have 2 young kids and I would never leave him. His mom cheated on his dad when he was a kid so he has trust issues. I knew what I was getting into and so it is what it is. I appreciate your comments and I know I have to work on myself and maybe one day he will let me go to counseling - I will have to work on that after I tackle the boss issue.


Christine,

You are afraid to tell your husband because you are fearful he would confront this man.

You are afraid to tell your husband because you are worried that he will make you quit your job.

You say that he would be angry that you are posting on this forum.

Your husband is not a villain. I'm sure he is a wonderful man and you love him very much. I'm sure he also loves you very much. But he also doesn't know that his behavior is affecting you this way. Don't you think he deserves a chance to fix this? Don't you think if he knew he was causing fear rather than security he would want to do the work necessary to make you feel safe. What you are doing is what many people do. They think they are protecting their spouse by not talking about certain things. But the only thing they are accomplishing is hiding problems that are easily dealt with. If these issues are not brought to light eventually they could develop into serious problems causing resentment and mistrust. Please consider what is best for your husband here as well as what is best for yourself.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I read the whole thread. I wasn't going to chime in because you've already received great advice from several posters about how to handle your boss. 

I want to say two things. One, read the book "*My Answer is "NO" If That's Ok With You: How Women Can Say No With Confidence" * by Dr. Nanette Gartrell. 

Second, while you protest quite a bit, your husband has issues with anger and overprotectiveness. While he may have good qualities, he has some troubling ones that he should address now. Don't minimize or excuse what he does. Seeing you in a sexy Halloween outfit shouldn't cause him to react the way he did.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

But your problems with your boss do at least partly stem from how your husband is with you. Overprotectiveness is not a desirable trait. One day you'll wake up and think..."do I even love this man" and he will be devastated. Work this out with him is all I'm saying.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

I think you are all right and I get it about my husband. The one thing that I want to add that makes a huge difference to this, is his behavior is very common in his culture. I'm actually lucky because a lot of men in his culture hit their wives and it is ok. He would never do that, so his controlling ways are understandable. This is what he has been brought up to know and sees nothing wrong with it. I'm American and he had to defend me a lot to his family. Me showing up at a Halloween party dressed like that, did not look good to him or his brothers. Again, I knew what I was getting into when I married him. Now I tell you that I would never leave my husband, and that is true. If someone asked me, if you could go back, would you have married him again? That is a hard one to answer. I have my wonderful kids and for that reason I think I would. Now you have me thinking about how this has to do with the boss situation...I do see the connection.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

One last thing to chime in about. You have gotten a lot of great advice, but remember, it is only advice. Everyone is different and what makes one person happy makes another miserable. What I'm trying to say here is you came here asking for help about your boss and after a few pages of posts on here directed at your husband you are questioning some things there as well. I'm curious now to see how many people will go after your comment about marrying him again if you could go back. I'm choosing not to read much into that one but it does and will raise a lot of red flags to people on here. 

You and hubby obviously have some work to do. That is marriage. That is inevitable of two people living with one another and sharing a life together. I've come to believe that a marriage is constantly evolving and if a couple is not active in working on it then there will be resentments and rug sweeping. That is what happened to my marriage. Now that I am divorced I can see the issues from the beginning that we chose to ignore and in the end they destroyed the marriage. You will have to face those demons at some point. But use them to make your marriage stronger, not break it down. 

And your boss....Tell him to stick it. One thing you might want to do is have a voice recorder on you when you are around this guy. I had a female parent (who was married) who liked me a bit too much a few years ago. I recorded our conversations because I was protecting my rear. Nothing came of it but I protected myself. Let's say you stand up for yourself and then all of the sudden find that your work environment is becoming a bit of a struggle. Guys like this don't like to hear the word "no." He may be thinking he's sealing the deal and when you throw up that final wall things may change a bit. If you have some proof set aside then I am almost certain that your work environment will be just fine after that!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Good luck Christine. You know you can always come to TAM and talk to all the wonderful people who come here. It helps to get different varied perspectives when dealing with an issue. And anything that makes you think is a good thing in my book.


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## Christine31 (Jul 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Good luck Christine. You know you can always come to TAM and talk to all the wonderful people who come here. It helps to get different varied perspectives when dealing with an issue. And anything that makes you think is a good thing in my book.


Thank you and thanks to everyone. This has me thinking a lot about things. I'm going to get off this Forum but I do appreciate all of your input and it helped a lot. Take care everyone!


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Morrigan had a similar issue at her job. I encouraged her to post on TAM to try to work through the issue. Like you she is not a confrontational person and tends to ignore a lot of things. *One of the suggestions she received, and the one she decided to go with, was to talk up her husband (me) a lot. She bragged about things that I did for her, places we went together, qualities I had that she loves, etc. She said she must have mentioned me at least 20X a day. Eventually the guy got tired of hearing about me and just moved on*. I'm not saying it will work with this guy but its something to consider.
> 
> Edit: I do think you should tell your husband. Not telling him could seriously jeopardize the trust you have built between you. If you don't tell him he's going to think you enjoyed this man's attention and that could create a lot more problems for you.


THIS is what I was going to suggest... also, When that guy tells you a joke... half way through it, tell him "oh... yeah... my husband told me that joke years ago..."


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