# husband placing blame on me for his cheating



## firetiger1974

Since i first posted that my husband had invited a man to our house for sex while i was out of town alot of things have happened. At first he was calm and stated he didn't know if he was bi curious or about some kinky fetishes he had thought about for years, but never told me about these. I set up a therapy session with a marriage counselor. and during this session he harped on the fact that i hit him after i found out and telling the therapist that i am an alcoholic. i guess wanting to put restrictions on me since i said no internet, since he was also on cross dresser and kink sites with profiles looking for "discreet fun". And he refuses to admit he wanted sex that day he sent the email from this man. He is very distant and i have been trying to be compassionate and caring and offering my help to him. Like all of this is my fault. Not sure weather to just say the hell with it or keep trying to work at it. Any advise? :scratchhead:


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## Atholk

If he's gay what's the point of trying?


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## firetiger1974

that's the thing he wont admit, just says possibly bi curious. if he would just be honest with me it would be alot easier. but he doesnt want his family to know.


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## danavince

It sounds like your husband is not ready yet to confront what ever issues he is struggling with. With many men, when their sexuality is not mainstream, they struggle with feelings of shame, this can become a barrier to his ability to explore his own sexuality, addictions, fetishes etc. That is probably why, in therapy, he put the focus on you to distract from his own stuff. You can't make him ready, so it's important for you to distinguish between what you can and cannot control in the relationship and decide for yourself where you want to go from here. Only you know where your line is of what you are willing and not willing to do. It may take a long time for him to be ready to really deal with his underlying issues and get the help he needs. You have to decide if you are willing to wait it out and be patient or move on. I would recommend getting your own counseling to help you through this difficult situation.


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## firetiger1974

We were seeing a therapist on tuesday, but MH is in such need of someone to talk to he is seeing her alone on tue. and i am seeing her on wed. This is getting expensive. I talked to a mutual friend of ours today and he informed me that MH had already mentioned divorce to him and that it would be very ugly( his mom is an attorney) So this worries me even more. Everything is just in limbo. we sit on the same couch and barely speak. where is the switch so i can make everything like it was before i found that email. I hate living like this.


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## firetiger1974

*Re: husband sexuality and infidelity killing our marriage.*

We were seeing a therapist on tuesday, but MH is in such need of someone to talk to he is seeing her alone on tue. and i am seeing her on wed. This is getting expensive. I talked to a mutual friend of ours today and he informed me that MH had already mentioned divorce to him and that it would be very ugly( his mom is an attorney) So this worries me even more. Everything is just in limbo. we sit on the same couch and barely speak. where is the switch so i can make everything like it was before i found that email. I hate living like this.


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## amanda1959

I can really relate to your story as mine is quite similar. What happened in my case is after my discovery he was told by our marriage therapist that he needed a sex therapist on his own to get to the bottom of his thoughts. Frustrating as is was after 6 sessions I was invited in and I was told there was no definative reason why he did what he did other then prehaps he was feeling powerless and stressed at the time. He was also in a downward spiral with the porn. I was not happy with the answers I got after he spent so much time with the therapist. I don't know what was said between the two of them and for all I know he could have kept things back from her as well who knows????
This is not an easy position to be in. The e-mail was real and so was the bisexual dating site he was on. He was on there to search out men that has to be clear no? He is in denial....he can't argue with facts. He needs to tell you what he wants from the marriage and you need to assess if you still love this man...


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## Pandakiss

hi-- 
i read your other thread, and you got some good advise so i stay out of it.

my thinking is... he is still not owning up to being gay. you are not at fault. the only person he caan look to for any kind of finger pointing is the person looking at himk in the mirror.

you cannot control another human being. if he didnt want it he would not have had to seek it out.

i would leave him. not being crule, but if hes gay than he dosent love you in the way you should be loved. he cannot commit 100% to you if hes bi. some people do work through that...it takes a strong person to be ok with their spouse sleeping with someone else. even if its the same sex...


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## MsLonely

Sorry to hear that! Look like you need to prepare for the worst.


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## SoCalMark

I am hearing that more and more men are trying this "experimental" sex with either other guys or transvestite prostitutes. I am apt to believe that most of this is being fueled by internet sex sites. I watched a program that dealt with what's called 'diminish and return' and that there are problems with our society trying to fuel a greater sexual craving because of the need of internet sex sites to keep raising the bar on the excitement level.

I have seen fantasy rape sites spring-up in abundance now and that bothers me. Is it like the violence we see on TV? Is it just never enough that we need to fuel the need ourselves? Perhaps this is what your husband is feeling.


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## Chris Taylor

As a bisexual, married guy, I have lived through this with my wife.

I would suggest continuing therapy for both of you. What is most important is that he be honest with you so you can make an informed decision about the marriage.

I would also suggest joining Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work and Alternative Path groups on Yahoo for no other reason but to see how others have dealt with this.

Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you need more info.


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## angela85

He is a gay. And how could you possibly change his point of view? Gay is a gay you cant change it no matter you two are married eventually he will seek.


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