# what do i do?



## heartbroken30 (Oct 3, 2012)

So my husband and I haven't been getting along the last few months. i have found a girl on his phone which he lied about and asked him if he has ever sent pics and he said no. In the past i had caught him on dating websites and setting up ways to cheat and put an end to it. We had been getting along pretty good the last 2weeks and then i found his single profile on a sex dating website. asked if he had any other email accounts he said no. in getting the password for this site to delete his account i found out he had 3 other email accounts and has been messaging all sorts of girls posing as single and saying things like i miss talking to someone as beautiful as you and trying to find ways to hook up since may of this year. Which is the month after i found out we were pregnant with our 4th child (planned btw). I confronted him and he said he will give me his word it will never happen again and we can forget it or get a divorce my decision. I have deleted every account i found but don't know how to get past everything i saw and read including hey sexy girl and pics of him to the girls. I am still madly in love with him, been together for 7 years and have 3 kids already. i need some help in now what do i do?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Heart,
Im so sorry you are going through this!
You will receive plenty of posts and recomendations.
This will not be easy. Your husband has a problem and if the relationship is going to make it he is not going
be able to fly straight and true by himself.

Can you tell us a bit more about your support system, family, friends, church, etc.

Also your ages, kids ages, any other cheating history for you or him.
Is this a first marriage for both of you?
Are you both workkng? 
Do you have access to all phone, computer/email, work email, fb, etc accounts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Also (just noticed) you should pm a mod and ask them to move this to the cheating and infidelity section!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken30 (Oct 3, 2012)

This is my 2nd marriage, my daughter is 9, he treats her like his daughter though and our boys are 5 and 3. I have family and one really close friend but i don't like telling my family because they can be judgemental and biased towards him then. I am also ashamed to have people know how our relationship is. He works 5-12 hour days and I am a stay at home mom. He is the type of guy who rarely shows affection so seeing to other women is very hard. The worse part now is i cannot stop seeing and thinking about it. I know now times he told me I could stay late at my parents or take my time someplace was so he could go online and chat or try to hook up even though he never has and i know that much is true. So now i am too worried to leave him home by himself and always wondering if girls have his number or not. I want us to work out in the worse way and I am even calling therapists today. He says he sometimes just gets the urge to let loose and he loves me and is not looking to replace me. Now it's weird to talk not knowing what to say to him and he acts like a lot of it is me. I have always said I'll take half the blame but really it's a lot of him and me trying to make him happy. He said if we can't forget about this then it will take forever to get happy if that is even possible. what do i do with that/ how do i just let it go?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*Re: need advice on how to cope....*

As hard as it would have been to do, you should have chosen option two, get a divorce. Who does he think he is giving you this kind of ultimatum? You would've shocked him back into reality by kicking him out.

Your weakness is obvious and he's taking advantage of it. Things won't get better until you take control of the situation.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

*Re: what to do?*

Him saying it will never happen again is one thing, but I think it is vitally important that you get to the bottom of _why_ he was doing what he was doing. Sounds like he wants it swept under the carpet. It would be a big mistake to do that, in my opinion. You deserve better than just an 'it won't happen again'.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Heart, 
Thanks for your reply.
Im sorry to tell you that you just cant rush to happy. 
on this, you want to make it work, at least for now.
That is importtant to know. You love him and want whats best for him, and the whole family.
I hope you can realize your goal here.
At some point you may have to start making plans if it doed not, 
so you need to be mentally ready for either.
There are a lot of stops between here and failure so dont be discouraged.
But being mentally ready will help you be a bit more objective in this.

Go to your control pannel and, 
Please pm a mod and have this moved to the infidelity section the posters you need will liklely not see it in the ladys lounge. Or just copy all this and start a new thread there.
Take care
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

You need to read and inform yourself about serial cheaters.
He seems to have built a lifestyle (fantasy or reality) that revolves around lying to you.

I am so sorry, and I hopw that you can work through this dilema. It sounds like you want to stay married? 
Is that true?

If so, you are going to have quite a bit of work cut out for you.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am sorry to say but it is time to call him on his crap. What he is doing is not acceptable. You either need to agree to an open marriage or cut your losses. When you get sick and tired, draw up divorce papers. Present them to him with a choice of giving up the extra attention or let you go. You have been playing misses nice gal. NO MORE!!!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

And by the way....he does not call the shots. You guys can work on the relationship, but you have to talk about the issues. You cannot make this work by ignoring it.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Well his word means crap. Just because he said I'll stop doesn't mean he will. You have to stay vigilant. You need to set in stone what will happen if you find him on those sites. If it means that you D or at least proceed with D until he commits fully back into the marriage. He is attempting to rug sweep everything as to avoid real problem which is his addiction to chasing women and the fun of flirting and being playful. He doesn't get that some of those women are real and could easily lead to an A. It can all go from playful fun to a fullblown EA or a ONS in as little as a day. You have every right to be concerned. I would require he start seeing an individual councilor to help him understand why he feels the need to seek women's attention outside of marriage. I would also recommend a Marriage councilor. Doing nothing and just taking his word will lead you on a highway straight to the Coping with Infidelity part of the forum.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Heartbroken30,

I am so sorry you find yourself here. I know it is especially hard finding out about your husband's continued behavior while pregnant.

You need to know, you aren't alone. There are many of us, men and women, who have been through and/or are going through what you are. You didn't make him do this. It isn't your fault. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Please go to the Coping with Infidelity portion of this website and read the newbie posts at the top. You will find invaluable information there to help you get through this.

I want to point out you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Your husband is the one that should be ashamed. Not telling anyone about your husband's behavior will hurt you more in the end. You need a release from this dark secret you have been carrying for too long.

*hugs*


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## heartbroken30 (Oct 3, 2012)

I am so glad I have found this site. I have posted in the coping with infidelity also and am feeling better than before. It is definitely har when I love him so much and want nothing more than to have a happy marriage with him. he has agreed to therapy and has taken full responsibility for his actions. Just has no idea how to communicate at all and therefore we need counseling. Thank you so much


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Heart,
After reading these posts you are starting to get an idea of the road you are on.
First you need to look at your options and come up with a plan!!
Dont just rush into somthing. Bring your plan here. If you update your thread many good posters will stick with you and give you support.

There is an order to how things should be done, in general, confront, expose, establish controls, and counceling etc.

You seem like a very capable person, can you do this?
Keep in touch, take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: need advice on how to cope....*

I agree with tony, what a douche bag. An ultimatum of putting up with his bullsh!t lies or go through the divorce process while pregnant?

Kick him out, and tell him that after he decides to recommit to the marriage you'll think about letting him back in.

This may sound extreme to you, but this needs to be quashed fast. If he ever does hook up and go physical hes gonna get hooked, and it'll be that much harder to unhook him. 

Hes taking advantage of your passiveness.

I once had a friend whose husband threatened her with divorce over and over again saying how much she chains down his life and future. 

When she had ass served with papers after all his talk he went catatonic and was begging the next day. 

I'm not saying for you to do the same tho.

Your husband is doing nothing but blowing hot air, but instead of just getting buffeted by it you need to follow up on his crap and get angry with him. 

Let him know you won't stand for it, and if he wants to do it so badly hes gonna half to text his wh0res from a crappy run down hotel instead of the family home.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

*Re: need advice on how to cope....*

Heart if you dont mind i will bring some of the earlier posts here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

*Re: need advice on how to cope....*

In your post you stated what I think he is lacking. You are still madly inlove with him. This type of love is hard to control and to walk away from. Demand some honesty and prepare yourself for what he might say. If he can not be honest with you about wanting to sleep with other people leave him. There is nothing wrong with having your cake and eating it too as long as the feeling is mutual, based on trust, and communication


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Re: need advice on how to cope....*

Have a look at the links in my sig, especially the one for CWI newbies. There are several things you need to do
- Get tested for STD's stat
- STOP having sex with him until you know he is clean
- insist that he give you all his passwords to EVERYTHING - phone, email, laptop, bank statements, credit card statements, EVERYthing.
- insist that he prove to you that he has deleted everything on line
- consider a keylogger to verify for yourself what he's up to

If he balks at ANY of this, kick his sorry ass out the door.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Heart,

It's good to hear that he has taken full responsibility for his actions. Don't feel bad about yourself at all… It is extremely common for cheaters to blame shift onto their innocent spouse. 

I'm sure that both you and he now realize that his ultimatum approach of "forget about it or let's just divorce, I don't want to deal with it" is a load of crock. It's his way of taking control and making it your fault if the marriage fails… I can literally hear his train of thought in my head, and it's bull hockey.

This is going to be a difficult journey if you are committed to saving your marriage. Even though you might not feel it now because you're so desperate to get him back, I can virtually guarantee that some trust issues are going to be surfacing in the future on your end. I suspect that, as others have said, your husband is a serial cheater… Even if his serial cheating is only in a fantasy world online. This is certainly not an impenetrable roadblock, but just be aware that you really need to watch her husband like a hawk. Lying clearly comes easily to him and it sounds like he's much better at manipulating you than you are at detecting it, so tread carefully.

If both you and he are committed to marriage counseling, that's great, but it's going to take a lifestyle change on his end to truly rekindle your relationship. Don't feel like simply being in counseling in and of itself will get your relationship back on track… It will take change, endurance and most of all, love.

If this happens again, get angry. Seriously.

But of course, I hope it doesn't happen again. Keep us updated! We're rootin' for you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow I just typed a post and went to post and saw Jelichmann's post, and he said it all, but I gonna post it anyway since I took the time to write it.

Heart,
Read the newbie ink as recomended. remember to Like (bottom right corner) posts that help you . This will will let the poster know.

I think you are seeing that you need to take action with him. You have more of a plan than I could tell from your first post, i'm glad.

You are starting to to look tougher, keep it up
You have every right to expect a mature relationship and to be loved back!

I agree that he is trying to take advantage of your "passive niceness"

If you are going to make this work as you say,than that has to be gone forever! Count the cost, its your decision.

Your husbands problem will take time to be resolved if ever.
I believe these hookups are all about validation, they become an addiction, and to the extent that he does them to that extent it means that he is not bonding with you. Not saying he does not care, but he is un-reachable in his emotions to that same degree. 

Is this fixable?
Yes. But he needs help, accountablity, and a understaning of what his problem is and on top of that he has "got to have the want to"


The two statements below are an inane attempt on his part to control the consequences , please dont fall for it

"I confronted him and he said he will give me his word it will never happen again and we can forget it or get a divorce my decision."

"He said if we can't forget about this then it will take forever to get happy if that is even possible. what do i do with that/ how do i just let it go?"

Let us know how therapy goes, and keep us updated!

Take care!


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## heartbroken30 (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you guys so much for the support, it certainly helps me boost my confidence to stay strong. He has in the past said there are things he wants to experience and try that i am not comfortable doing and he feels like with kids and the new baby they will never happen. He has also told me that he is for the first time extremely afraid to lose me and needs me and wouldn't know what he would do without me which is a first for him to say ever. I do know if i ever catch it again it will end us forever. This is all i can take. I did tell him I am extremely paranoid still and he knows i am watching him and will not be leaving him alone anytime soon. He is making an effort just gets crabby if I try to talk about it. He told me he knows he is the problem and needs therapy and so that is what will be next. I know he is definitely a sex addict and he says to him sex is just sex which still doesn't make any of it right and he knows that. I just hope he can figure everything out with help and move forward with me in a good direction. he is a great father and our kids adore him as do I. I have told him he needs to figure out if it is me he wants to be with for the rest of his life or not because if there is any hesitation to that it is not fair to either of us to stay together. I will not stay in an unhappy marriage for my children because it usually ends up worse for them than if we were apart. It all just hurts so bad when you love someone so much more than they love you. It has been the story of my life.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Heart,
Youve got it right, stay strong!

It may feel good that for the first time he says he
is afraid of of losing you, 
And I am not diminishing that at all, rather i would say its always been true, 
but this is the first time he knows you are serious!
You are in the drivers seat and he knows that, you have to stay there!

Tell him that if the two of you are going to make it you will have to 
have an open and honest relationship, and that will have to be true, 
a year from now or 10 years from now.
He needs to decide now if that is what he wants too.
(Btw we call that full transparency)

Listen Heart.,
One of the conditions that we ALWAYS place 
on a wayward spouce (ws) here is that they answer all questions,
As often as you ask, openly and honestly and as many times as you ask!

Would you accept that he had a secret email account?
No you would not! Think of him not answering questions the same way!
Yes it may be uncomfortable for him, but this is his issue and dealing with it openly is a sign of
True Remorse (a meaningful term we use here).

I will try to post some of these things later when I get to a computer if no one else has.
(On phone now)

Good update, thx, keep in touch
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken30 (Oct 3, 2012)

so I have been trying to get into therapists, haven't had luck yet, still figuring out insurance coverage and costs. Yesterday in trying to delete the rest of the email accounts I found at least 5 more dating websites with even more messages to women from around the country. all saying how beautiful they are and also a facebook page i had to delete too. It makes me so mad and sad and hard to get all of it out of my head. he really is trying but bringing anything up makes him pissy and he says we both have to try hard not just him. which i think is crap. then i try cuddling with him last night, which he has never been a cuddling guy and he gets crabby saying he gives an inch i take a mile and why do i have to be babied (thats what he thinks cuddling is) all the time. That he will never enjoy cuddling but he will try to get over it. yet in his profiles on these sites he lists himself as compassionate, friendly and willing to help out others in need. It really makes me put our entire relationship in to perspective and i am having many restless nights not being able to stop thinking about it all. Hopefully therapy can start soon i know i need it. Thank you for listening it helps to get it out. So heartbroken right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Now, why on earth would a married man be on a dating site? Ah. I think the answer has to be obvious, sadly.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Heart,
What kind of therapist are you considering, and who is going, be a little more specific and you might receive some advise on what to look for.

By analogy, the reality of the situation is that the bucket has a hole in it, and it's going to leak water, either patch the bucket or get a new one.

I mentioned earlier that often these kinds of hookup are all about validation, and if that’s the case then your husband is not able to bond with you properly, he is a leaky bucket.

Consider;
He has told you as much now when "he says to him sex is just sex"
Earlier you mentioned that he likely wanted to introduce others into you sex life, (you were uncomfortable with that)

And now he asks you "why do i have to be babied (thats what he thinks cuddling is) all the time."

Do you see how he has objectified women and sexuality? He is willing to share you and himself, while endangering all of your health as well as your marriage.

He has a big disconnect between his primitive brain and his moral character. This is what you are facing.

(Not trying to replace a therapist here, just trying to make some common sense observations for you to consider, if they ring true then take them for what they are worth.)

Put that together with his statement that "He has also told me that he is for the first time extremely afraid to lose me and needs me and wouldn't know what he would do without me which is a first for him to say ever."
And you can get a picture of where he is at.

You should be asking exactly what would he be missing if you left?
Not the cuddling!
Not your interfering with his hooking up!
What then?
(I can list some things but I think you get what I'm saying)

Also is he a regular user of porn?
What is his level of interest in and involvement in your sex life.
Do you feel like there is sharing and an intimacy in your physical relationship (ie sex) or do you often feel like you are a stand in for his fantasies.

Can you see what I am trying to say, he is not personalizing his needs or yours, you are being objectified, if sex is just sex, then what is sex with you?

I just want you to be able to evaluate what you are facing.

On a side note, there is a book often recommended here called The Five Love Languages, which helps couples understand how their partner is made to feel loved. Some people have as their primary language
"Physical touch" (includes cuddling).
Heart,
he is more than just not speaking your language, he is ridiculing it!

My point is that you have every right to expect him to understand and meet your needs. If not then what do marriage vows mean?

Its early is this whole mess but,
It does seem to me that he is NOT taking full responsibility for his problems or for his role in the marriage!
(Which probably means he is not experiencing true remorse, he just got caught!)
It still seems that if given a chance he will cheat on you.
Is this what you want to live with?
How will a therapist help someone who is not interested in changing?
What will you do if he only gives a half hearted effort.
You must address this situation with your eyes wide open.

And Heart, I am very sorry for the pain, turmoil, uncertainty, frustration, fear, jealously, and time costs, that he is inflicting on you.
It dosnt seem right does it? What is he going to do to match that emotional cost (to you) to fix this?
Take care!


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## heartbroken30 (Oct 3, 2012)

You are very right in all of it and he will go to couples therapy and therapy for himself also. He knows he is the major issue with why we have problems and we had a good long talk last night which made me feel a lot better. He knows I will leave after this and isn't taking any chances to push me. Thank you for your advice and feedback.


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