# Sexually incompatible



## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Is there any way to get around being sexually incompatible with your long term partner? Any success stories here? I'm wanting to try sex/relationship counselling, but he's unsure how he would go. He doesn't like talking about that sort of stuff. 

I'm trying to figure out if our relationship is going to work long term. Fiancee and I have been together nearing on 3 years. I have 2 kids from a previous long term relationship, 6 & 4. 

On paper, my partner and I are nearly perfect. We get on well, we don't fight often (and when we do, we resolve it) we make each other laugh, we are very caring towards each other, have some similar and some varied interests. I love spending time with him. We go on proper dates once a fortnight, and spend a lot of time together throughout the week after work ect. He is amazing with my kids, and loves them like his own. We own a house together and live together. I don't want to break the relationship up. He's my best friend, and my everything. But we don't work sexually.

He has had some medical issues in that area, but nothing major. But he is typical LD. And because I'm not getting any sex, I'm very HD. But if I was getting good sex, I would happily have it once or twice a week. We had a good talk last night, and I just need some help wrapping my head around it. 

Typically we will have sex maybe once a month. And for him, I can tell that it's duty sex. It's quick, in the bed, lights off, missionary, limited to no foreplay, and he's done quickly. It leaves me more frustrated in all honesty then just not having it to begin with. 

Prior to meeting him, I enjoyed all kinds of sex. Different locations, positions, toys, lingerie ect. Vanilla is ok, but certainly not a preference. He says he had the same with ex partners. A healthy, normal sex drive. But together... We just don't click. It's like we never got over that awkward "I don't know you well, so I don't know what you like, so I'll just try this and hope for the best" kind of stage. We never settled into a rhythm. He can't pleasure me with his hands, and has only made me come a handful of times. He doesn't know my body. And vice versa. The other day he told me that my BJ's would never be able to get him off. This was the night after him suddenly pulling away, and going to get dressed mid BJ. (He was just out the shower.) I've never had issues with ex's not being satisfied, and I've had roughly an average number of partners. 

He said there was a lot of attraction in the beginning, but it's gone now. And not just me, he's not really attracted to anyone. He said he doesn't think about sex at all. Doesn't really want it. I know that he's not cheating on me, so it's not because of that. 

He did say that there's a lot of stigma around me and sex. I used to try and make jokes about it to lighten the mood. But he thinks there's a lot of pressure to do it. So I stopped joking about it. But nothing has really changed. 

I don't want to give him BJ's or HJ's because I'm worried that I suck at them, and I'm wasting my time. I don't like being rejected. It hurts! But I would happily give my partner a BJ every day, expecting nothing in return. As long as it was making them happy. I like to please my partner. But it's not working. 

I don't know what to do. Is there any hope at all? I would do anything to try and salvage the relationship.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

chatabox said:


> I don't want to give him BJ's or HJ's because I'm worried that I suck at them


All women suck at blowjobs. That's the whole point.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It sounds like you have a great friendship, but just aren't a good romantic match. 

I truly believe physical attraction (chemistry) is either there or it is not. For the two of you, it's just not. I don't believe lack of chemistry is solvable other than learning how to go through the motions better. In other words, you may get duty sex more often, and he may learn how to bring you to orgasm with some time and effort, but he's never going to be an enthusiastic and passionate lover.

If you're unwilling to end the relationship, your options are to have an open relationship, go behind his back, or accept as is.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Well.... My advice since I'm in a similar situation. Find someone that your compatible with. You're not married to him so nothing will be lost besides your friendship. 

I've been married to an incompatible partner for 12 years now. Everything besides the sex is good; since I think sex is such an important aspect of a relationship I tend to have resentment towards my partner on a daily basis.

Go find someone that matches up with your sex drive and interest. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'd advise you to not get married. The feelings of rejection compound. The sadness builds as you feel your sense of self-worth declining. One day when you're older, you wake up very angry, because you remember that you were an attractive person and were worthy of someone's love and affection. At that point the damage is already done. And it seems unlikely that he's ever going to fix it along the way.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

He's willing to go to a therapist and the dr about a cyst in that area that he thinks is making the lack of sex drive worse. He wants to fix this just as much as I. But I don't know if it will work. I'm still insanely attracted to him, and love him to death. The attraction used to be there for him, but isn't now. I just don't know if it will ever come back.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'd advise you to not get married. The feelings of rejection compound. The sadness builds as you feel your sense of self-worth declining. One day when you're older, you wake up very angry, because you remember that you were an attractive person and were worthy of someone's love and affection. At that point the damage is already done. And it seems unlikely that he's ever going to fix it along the way.




We have put a hold on the wedding until we can get this sorted. (If we can.)


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chatabox said:


> He's willing to go to a therapist and the dr about a cyst in that area that he thinks is making the lack of sex drive worse. He wants to fix this just as much as I. But I don't know if it will work. I'm still insanely attracted to him, and love him to death. The attraction used to be there for him, but isn't now. I just don't know if it will ever come back.


If he's willing to try, then I say start with the doctor about the cyst and a full physical. I'd also add in a request for a referral to an endocrinologist to have his hormones checked. If there isn't a physical cause, time to see a psychiatrist to see if there is some mental block. If that fails, I got nothing.

Just spitballing, but maybe it's relating to the cyst..maybe he is self conscious of it or scared of it and shut down sexual attraction to you to avoid having to think about it. 

It's also possible you've just passed the limerence phase and the attraction went away. It happens. Did he have any previous LTR's where the attraction lasted beyond the limerence phase or is this loss of attraction a pattern?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

chatabox said:


> Typically we will have sex maybe once a month. And for him, I can tell that it's duty sex. It's quick, in the bed, lights off, missionary, limited to no foreplay, and he's done quickly. It leaves me more frustrated in all honesty then just not having it to begin with.












^can I get banned for this? I'll take it out if so.

OP, hold off on the wedding. You already know that. I take it you are attracted to him but the no sex thing is making you resentful? Yeah, it is a shame to throw away a good relationship for one problem that seems so surmountable; if only the partner would make the effort. However, they usually stay the way they are so beware of overlooking this if it is important to you and it sounds like it is.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If he's willing to try, then I say start with the doctor about the cyst and a full physical. I'd also add in a request for a referral to an endocrinologist to have his hormones checked. If there isn't a physical cause, time to see a psychiatrist to see if there is some mental block. If that fails, I got nothing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He's been in long term relationships and maintained a good sexual relationship. This is the first time it's ever happens for him - or for me. We are both a bit lost.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

People have needs. It's the responsibility of the other person to meet those needs. If he doesn't want to meet your needs, or anyone else's needs for that matter. Then he needs to go crawl under a rock, and be alone.

If he wants to be with you, then he needs to grow a pair, get in touch with the reality that he is failing in his responsibility to care for you, and then fix it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

BioFury said:


> People have needs. It's the responsibility of the other person to meet those needs. If he doesn't want to meet your needs, or anyone else's needs for that matter. Then he needs to go crawl under a rock, and be alone.
> 
> If he wants to be with you, then he needs to grow a pair, get in touch with the reality that he is failing in his responsibility to care for you, and then fix it.


Bingo. The problem with a sexless marriage is twofold:

1) Why aren't you so attracted to me that you want to make love with me?
2) Maybe I can accept that you're not attracted to me, but why don't you understand and meet this need of mine, since you ostensibly love me?

The inability to fulfill #2 is even more hurtful than the inability to fulfill #1. If my wife said, "we should go out to movies more," then I'd take her out to more movies. I wouldn't grumble about it or insist on staying home all the time.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If sex is important to you, then I think a marriage with a serious sexual incompatibility is a bad idea. Its possible to work around minor incompatibilities, but this sounds major. 

Don't make the mistake that I made 30 years ago. If its not good now, it won't get better. You can numb yourself to the problem, but being numb is not fun.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Is he taking any antidepressants or SSRIs? These can kill libido. Any other meds or supplements?


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> Is he taking any antidepressants or SSRIs? These can kill libido. Any other meds or supplements?




No, no medications or drugs at all.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

chatabox said:


> He can't pleasure me with his hands


There's a difference between can't and doesn't want to. There's a plethora of literature and videos that would teach him not necessarily how to pleasure you..but at least how to work around the area. 

He knows how important sex is to you, to be blunt he just doesn't care, probably never has, so it seems it's a case of you trying to drag the horse to the water from the outset.

Someone mentioned you maybe good friends and in most other areas you might be compatible so it sucks that one of the fundamental areas for you (I think some people call it a love language) is just not there.

Just a question. If he's not attracted to you or anybody, have you asked him why he expects you to stay in this relationship?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

chatabox said:


> He can't pleasure me with his hands


I didn't see this line in your post the first time through because you wrote so many paragraphs but when another poster quoted you I saw it and I have a question.

You say he can't pleasure you with his hands as if that's his fault in some way. But it has been my experience that if you so much as stick a few fingers in there along with a good amount of clit rubbing you're going to get a positive response. So maybe it's you and you suffer from frigidity or something? Maybe it's not all his fault that your sex life is less than satisfactory for you? Maybe you need to communicate with him better, you know say something like put one finger here and one finger there and by the second there I'm talking about that other place, you know..


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Did anyone mention gay? Great on every level but in the bed? He probably wants this to work so badly, but it won't, cause he isn't sexually attracted to women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

chatabox said:


> He can't pleasure me with his hands, and has *only made me come a handful of times.* He doesn't know my body
> 
> I would happily give my partner a BJ every day, expecting nothing in return. As long as it was making them happy.* I like to please my partner.* But it's not working.


Odds are his libido works similar to your in that he wants to be able to please you, BUT it has proven a difficult thing to do. What you really need to do is demonstrate to him how you please yourself and SHARE that with him so that he can learn your body.

Odds are he would simply want to please you and expect nothing in return, but once that happens odds are he will find that he needs to ravage you right away!

Hope that helps!

Badsanta


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

chatabox said:


> Typically we will have sex maybe once a month. And for him, I can tell that it's duty sex. It's quick, in the bed, lights off, missionary, limited to no foreplay, and he's done quickly. It leaves me more frustrated in all honesty then just not having it to begin with.


So aside from having 'duty' sex only once a month, when you DO have it,* he's* the only one who climaxes from it? What a completely selfish a*sshole.

Is he going to blame THAT on some nonsense cyst excuse, too?



> I don't want to give him BJ's or HJ's because I'm worried that I suck at them, and I'm wasting my time. I don't like being rejected. It hurts! But I would happily give my partner a BJ every day, expecting nothing in return. As long as it was making them happy. I like to please my partner. But it's not working.


He's a completely selfish pig who has ZERO - let me repeat that - *ZERO* concern for *your *pleasure or satisfaction. Why would you want to _reward_ that sh*it behavior with even MORE one-sided sex?



> I don't know what to do. Is there any hope at all? I would do anything to try and salvage the relationship.


As someone else suggested, I too find it highly questionable that he had active, satisfying sexual relationships in the past. I'd be willing to bet good money his past girlfriends probably have a vastly different tale to tell. It sounds like he's trying to blame his inadequacies on you - like YOU caused this problem.

About the *last* thing I'd do is marry someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BioFury said:


> People have needs. It's the responsibility of the other person to meet those needs. If he doesn't want to meet your needs, or anyone else's needs for that matter. Then he needs to go crawl under a rock, and be alone.
> 
> If he wants to be with you, then he needs to grow a pair, get in touch with the reality that he is failing in his responsibility to care for you, and then fix it.


This is it, really and truly the bottom line.

Whether he isn't really attracted to you, or if he is in general an asexual man, or if he has some sort of control issue that prevents him from wanting you to be happy via sexual attraction (meaning he is sexually attracted to you but he needs control of that sexual attraction and so he chronically denies and refuses) or he has some sort of biological/medical problem, or he wanted to have a home with kids (and this is the first thing that jumped into my mind when reading your post- you say he is great with your kids and really loves them, is it possible he wanted your kids and had to take the mother along too? This is a dark and nefarious pathway to explore but pedophiles have been known to start relationships with the mother in order to get access to the kids or the friends of the kids.) 

With the exception of him being more attracted to your kids than to you, none of the reasons matter. Whichever these reasons might be the case, the bottom line is that he knows you are unhappy and feel unloved and unwanted yet he expects you to be okay with that?

And this is a man you bought a house with? This is a man you're thinking about marrying? 

You do not need to sacrifice love and intimacy for stability.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Manchester said:


> chatabox said:
> 
> 
> > He can't pleasure me with his hands
> ...


It might be that she has a problem with responding to him trying to please her with his hands. But from my experience, it's also possible that he's going at this in such a manner that his manual play is anything but a turn on.

I've experienced this. When the sex life was good with my ex(1st), he was very good at getting me off manually. But as he lost interest in sex with me it got to the point that he seemed to have no clue what to do. When I tried talking to him about it would get extremely angry and that shut down the talk. But it was like he suddenly had no idea what to do. I think his growing lack of interest in sex with me was the cause of this and it showed.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Can I please clarify, this has not been an issue from day one. We had a very satisfying sex life at the beginning of our relationship, and it's slowly dwindled off to nothing. We are both aware of the issue, and are trying to come to terms with what the heck could have changed so significantly to cause this. Either emotional, physical or medical... He wants to get to the bottom of it too. He is concerned with his lack of sex drive. He asked me to set up an appointment with a relationship/sex counsellor, and we will go from there. He's also got a doctors appointment to have some bloods done for his testosterone and hormone levels. 

I think our talk 2 nights ago was a wake up call of sorts. He's more awake of the issue, rather then just ignoring it because he's busy. Last night he was very affectionate in bed, and I have him a shoulder rub because his neck hurt. I think this is the affection we need to get back before being able to have a good sex life.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Bingo. The problem with a sexless marriage is twofold:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He does fulfil #2, but it's different. Duty sex is not the same as regular. But he's so exhausted all the time, he pretty much falls asleep the minute he gets into bed. So it's hard to get him in the mood when he just needs sleep. But yesterday he tried to make the effort throughout the day. I was bending over gardening, and he spanked me as I was bending over. He hasn't done anything like that for a long time. Can you fake it until you make it with a sexual relationship? Not sure on that one.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

uhtred said:


> If sex is important to you, then I think a marriage with a serious sexual incompatibility is a bad idea. Its possible to work around minor incompatibilities, but this sounds major.
> 
> Don't make the mistake that I made 30 years ago. If its not good now, it won't get better. You can numb yourself to the problem, but being numb is not fun.



Thank you. Ideally I would like to work through the problem. But if it's not going to work, we've both agreed that we won't keep it going any longer then necessary. 



BobSimmons said:


> There's a difference between can't and doesn't want to. There's a plethora of literature and videos that would teach him not necessarily how to pleasure you..but at least how to work around the area.
> 
> He knows how important sex is to you, to be blunt he just doesn't care, probably never has, so it seems it's a case of you trying to drag the horse to the water from the outset.
> 
> ...


I said can't because he psychically does not know how. He has never learnt how to please *me*. He does the job, and it's not bad. But it's not fantastic either. 

He doesn't expect me to stay in the relationship. When we talked and I fully explained, he realised what it's doing to me. It's now hurting him as much as me. He doesn't want me to be unhappy. But we have both agreed to try counselling first, and make a decision from there. 




Manchester said:


> I didn't see this line in your post the first time through because you wrote so many paragraphs but when another poster quoted you I saw it and I have a question.
> 
> You say he can't pleasure you with his hands as if that's his fault in some way. But it has been my experience that if you so much as stick a few fingers in there along with a good amount of clit rubbing you're going to get a positive response. So maybe it's you and you suffer from frigidity or something? Maybe it's not all his fault that your sex life is less than satisfactory for you? Maybe you need to communicate with him better, you know say something like put one finger here and one finger there and by the second there I'm talking about that other place, you know..


Sure, it's a positive result. But he doesn't do it for long enough to be beneficial, and it's not a technique that works well for me personally. I don't think I'm proactive enough to show him what I like. I never wanted him to think I was complaining or saying he wasn't good enough. I had that a long time ago in a previous relationship, and it sucked. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, so I never spoke up. So I never enjoyed it as much as I should have. 



Herschel said:


> Did anyone mention gay? Great on every level but in the bed? He probably wants this to work so badly, but it won't, cause he isn't sexually attracted to women.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's not gay. 



badsanta said:


> Odds are his libido works similar to your in that he wants to be able to please you, BUT it has proven a difficult thing to do. What you really need to do is demonstrate to him how you please yourself and SHARE that with him so that he can learn your body.
> 
> Odds are he would simply want to please you and expect nothing in return, but once that happens odds are he will find that he needs to ravage you right away!
> 
> ...



Thank you. I realise that I haven't been very proactive in showing him what I need. I think our sex life could have been a little better. But it still doesn't help his low libido for wanting to have it in the first place. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> So aside from having 'duty' sex only once a month, when you DO have it,* he's* the only one who climaxes from it? What a completely selfish a*sshole.
> 
> Is he going to blame THAT on some nonsense cyst excuse, too?
> 
> He's a completely selfish pig who has ZERO - let me repeat that - *ZERO* concern for *your *pleasure or satisfaction. Why would you want to _reward_ that sh*it behavior with even MORE one-sided sex?


Because I love him. Because I'm not selfish, and want my partner to be happy. I'm not going to withhold it from him because he doesn't do it the right way for me. Withholding sex isn't going to make our sex life any better. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds like he's trying to blame his inadequacies on you - like YOU caused this problem.
> 
> About the *last* thing I'd do is marry someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs.


He's not blaming anything on me. He's now aware of the issue, and we both agreed that if the counselling doesn't work then we will break up. He doesn't like seeing me upset. 



This is getting long. I'll cut it here.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> This is it, really and truly the bottom line.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He doesn't expect me to be ok with it. We had a talk about this 2 nights ago, and it's the first time we have ever openly talked about our sexual issues. He's aware of the situation, and wants to fix it. If we can't, then we will look into what the next step would be. Neither of us are the kind of people who would throw a relationship away at the drop of a hat. We are committed to working on this. 

He has a daughter himself, but my kids are in my care full time. He didn't know about my kids at the beginning of the relationship, and I highly doubt what your implying. However, as a mother I'm always vigil about those sorts of things. Their relationship wasn't perfect from the beginning. It took him a while to adjust to a step-parent type role. It's only been the last year that he's told me that he loves them. And he loves me too. Just not in the way that I need at the moment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chatabox said:


> He doesn't expect me to be ok with it. We had a talk about this 2 nights ago, and it's the first time we have ever openly talked about our sexual issues. He's aware of the situation, and wants to fix it. If we can't, then we will look into what the next step would be. Neither of us are the kind of people who would throw a relationship away at the drop of a hat. We are committed to working on this.
> 
> He has a daughter himself, but my kids are in my care full time. He didn't know about my kids at the beginning of the relationship, and I highly doubt what your implying. However, as a mother I'm always vigil about those sorts of things. Their relationship wasn't perfect from the beginning. It took him a while to adjust to a step-parent type role. It's only been the last year that he's told me that he loves them. And he loves me too. Just not in the way that I need at the moment.



In order to have a good sex life, you have to have sex often enough and have have to enjoy it enough. Enough is a personal definition.

In order to have a great sex life you have to have a good sex life and then you have to understand that truly passionate sex is selfish. Your passion for your pleasure, your passion for his participation, for his body, for his lovely man parts, you have to selfishly want them. But your mind frame is that selfishness is wrong and sex should be giving. That's only true if you only want a good enough sex life. Passion is selfish, being selfishly passionate about sex is sexy.

When you want your guy to scratch your back are you silent and hopeful that he hits the right place? No, most people happily supply directions to what they need from a good back scratch. Higher, lower, to the right, up a little, harder, not that hard.... 

Sex is the same way. Take his hands and masturbate using his hands. Masturbate in front of him. Masturbate while straddling him. If you don't show him what you want and what turns you on, your guys is not going to guess correctly and contrary to every romance novel says, men do not know their way around the vulva AND every vulva works differently.

Maybe if your guy felt more confident about pleasing you, maybe if he saw you go wild with orgasms he might let go and be more passionate. But more than likely, your guy just isn't very sexual and though he may love you to pieces, he won't become more sexual as time goes on.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Skipping ahead... is he intimidated by you sexually? Big problem for many guys. 

Keep working and make sure you can get past this before marriage.

Personally... if your connection is so strong and you're both so comparable then it's worth the effort to rule out all hope before throwing in the towel.

But if you can't ultimately be sexually comparable then marriage shouldn't be your next move 

I'm 30+ years into a relationship with an amazing woman. I'm WAY more sexual in all respects and it's the only thing I would change, but the package is still well worth it. But we do have very frequent sex so at least I have quantity and lots of quality it's just not varied


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Skipping ahead... is he intimidated by you sexually? Big problem for many guys.
> 
> Keep working and make sure you can get past this before marriage.
> 
> ...



I don't think he is. I know he's had a lot more partners then I have, and he's never broached it. 

He said that I put a lot of stress onto him, and that turned him off wanting it. I'm a talker. When I have an issue, I want to talk it through and see what the issue is. I tried that quite a few times last year when our sex life dropped a bit. But he saw it as me putting pressure on him for more sex, and he felt stressed to preform better/more. He told me that this was a huge turn off. I agree that I'm a bit insecure. My ex cheated on me, and I need to talk to re-confirm those positive feelings. But it wasn't intended to be in a pressuring way. So I stopped trying to initiate, and he doesn't initiate. So it just doesn't happen. I don't want to be rejected, and that's another of my own issues. But he's normally fine if I initiate, unless he's really exhausted. (Understandable) But it's pretty one sided. He just said it doesn't cross his mind at all. Like he had 0 sex drive.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Personal said:


> He doesn't want to have sex with you very often or at all, as a consequence it is no surprise that your desire to share sex with him would be stressful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So you think there's no hope at being able to resolve this? Even if he is open to trying to fix the issue?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Well, one good thing about all of this... I am learning my own body a lot better. Having to take matters into my own hands and all. I would never really do it in the past as there was never a need to. Now, I'm almost a pro!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

> Typically we will have sex maybe once a month. And for him, I can tell that it's duty sex. It's quick, in the bed, lights off, missionary, limited to no foreplay, and he's done quickly. It leaves me more frustrated in all honesty then just not having it to begin with.


This was what my sex life was like previously. 



> Prior to meeting him, I enjoyed all kinds of sex. Different locations, positions, toys, lingerie ect. Vanilla is ok, but certainly not a preference.


Who put the work in initially, you or your partner? 



> He says he had the same with ex partners.


This is a good sign, but perhaps the issue is initiation, maybe he's used to the women doing all the work, scheduling sex etc



> A healthy, normal sex drive. But together... We just don't click. It's like we never got over that awkward "I don't know you well, so I don't know what you like, so I'll just try this and hope for the best" kind of stage. We never settled into a rhythm.


It was awkward for me & my husband too! 
Set up a "sex schedule" say every day off of work, make time, tell him etc. 



> He can't pleasure me with his hands, and has only made me come a handful of times. He doesn't know my body. And vice versa.


You may have to guide his hands, I'm currently working on this with my husband! It's all about positive communication, making time for imitacy & practice. 



> The other day he told me that my BJ's would never be able to get him off. This was the night after him suddenly pulling away, and going to get dressed mid BJ. (He was just out the shower.) I've never had issues with ex's not being satisfied, and I've had roughly an average number of partners.


Perhaps he's never really had a decent BJ before! 
Do some research into learning how to please oral, Google "Gay Man's Guide for Oral!" Read the articles. 



> He said there was a lot of attraction in the beginning, but it's gone now. And not just me, he's not really attracted to anyone. He said he doesn't think about sex at all. Doesn't really want it. I know that he's not cheating on me, so it's not because of that.


This could be a sign of depression. Men often lose their sex drive sometimes if depression sets in. 



> He did say that there's a lot of stigma around me and sex. I used to try and make jokes about it to lighten the mood. But he thinks there's a lot of pressure to do it. So I stopped joking about it. But nothing has really changed.


Was he brought up in a religious household? 



> I don't want to give him BJ's or HJ's because I'm worried that I suck at them, and I'm wasting my time. I don't like being rejected. It hurts! But I would happily give my partner a BJ every day, expecting nothing in return. As long as it was making them happy. I like to please my partner. But it's not working.


If he starts to enjoy BJs & HJs, he should be returning the favour to you, maybe you could guide his hands, show him moves, invest in toys with him, He should enjoy seeing you orgasm. 
Are you afraid to let him give you oral? 
I was, with my husband, I'm still working with him. 



> Is there any hope at all? I would do anything to try and salvage the relationship.


Of course there is hope!  Just see my threads! We have made so much progress, but it takes work, communication, scheduling, taking the reins of control. 
He probably wants the same things as you but doesn't know how to communicate it. Also remember that he may have had previous partners but quantity does not equal quality! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

uhtred said:


> If sex is important to you, then I think a marriage with a serious sexual incompatibility is a bad idea. Its possible to work around minor incompatibilities, but this sounds major.
> 
> Don't make the mistake that I made 30 years ago. *If its not good now, it won't get better*. You can numb yourself to the problem, but being numb is not fun.


QFT * 1,000

This is such an amazingly simple concept that people willfully ignore because they are "in Love"and they get caught up in the notion of being married.

If there ever was a call for teachings about marriage to people thinking about the act - this should be in the *TOP 2* with the No.1 reason being love


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a huge range in what women like, and even in what a particular woman will like at different times. I expect that its possible to learn to please most women with fingers once you know what they like, but it will be differtent for different women and won't work for all. 

Attitude is also really important. 

The above applies to men as well of course. There are women who have no idea how to please men, or in what variation this is in what men like. 




Manchester said:


> I didn't see this line in your post the first time through because you wrote so many paragraphs but when another poster quoted you I saw it and I have a question.
> 
> You say he can't pleasure you with his hands as if that's his fault in some way. But it has been my experience that if you so much as stick a few fingers in there along with a good amount of clit rubbing you're going to get a positive response. So maybe it's you and you suffer from frigidity or something? Maybe it's not all his fault that your sex life is less than satisfactory for you? Maybe you need to communicate with him better, you know say something like put one finger here and one finger there and by the second there I'm talking about that other place, you know..


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get married while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do NOT have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Marriage makes a sexual mismatch worse, not better. Both sides feel more pressure and more "stuck". This causes the HD to want even more sex and the LD to want even less. Whatever the gap was before marriage, it will get wider after.

Adding kids makes the pressure 10x worse because now you are tied together long term even if you get divorced. So you don't want to get divorced. Which makes the pressure even greater. The gap becomes a chasm.

Get. Out. Now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chatabox said:


> Well, one good thing about all of this... I am learning my own body a lot better. Having to take matters into my own hands and all. I would never really do it in the past as there was never a need to. Now, I'm almost a pro!


That's depressing. 

I've never been much for masturbation, either. Alone it's a last resort of desperation and with a partner it's merely foreplay. I much prefer the real thing. Besides, masturbation just leaves me more frustrated and in need of actual sex. 

I now this may sound cold, but I have always felt that if a woman works, does her share of the household chores, AND has to see to her own sexual needs, she's better off single. At least single she has a shot at meeting someone she is compatible with, including sexually.


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## Buffon06 (Aug 14, 2016)

I think your husband could benefit from marriage/sex counseling. I think it's odd that a man's sex drive would dwindle like that.

His behavior is also indicative of someone who may be having a relationship outside of the one you have with him.

You said he is going to the doctor to check his testosterone levels, have the results come back?

The only other reason I could think of is that he somehow resents you or the current state of the relationship, and he knows that you as the HD partner in the relationship will be coming to him for sex, and he denies you as punishment or as a way to control you.

I would not marry this guy or have kids with him until the state of the relationship improves. As many posters have said, this lack of sex situation will only get worse with time if you both don't work hard to get to the bottom of it, and make it better.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> This was what my sex life was like previously.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Initially it was him. He couldn't keep his hands off me. Then it got to a more regular phase where it was both of us evenly initiating. Now, it's just me. I want to set up a schedule, but haven't broached it with him. I might ask him tonight if I remember. 



MrsAldi said:


> You may have to guide his hands, I'm currently working on this with my husband! It's all about positive communication, making time for imitacy & practice.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not religious at all. He was baptised, but never really went any further then that. I think next time I will be more proactive in showing him what I want, and what works for me. I'm not afraid, I would love it if he gave me oral! But he doesn't think about it. I don't want to give it to him anymore after his comment, but I hope we can work through that. 



MrsAldi said:


> Of course there is hope!  Just see my threads! We have made so much progress, but it takes work, communication, scheduling, taking the reins of control.
> He probably wants the same things as you but doesn't know how to communicate it. Also remember that he may have had previous partners but quantity does not equal quality!
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk



Thank you. Reading your threads is initially what gave me the courage to post. I'm nervous about seeing a counsellor, but I think it will be for the best in the long run.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

snerg said:


> QFT * 1,000
> 
> 
> 
> ...




But if it WAS good, then there's no reason why that can't return. I don't want to get married for the wedding. I want to be married because I love the person, and can imagine spending the rest of my life with them. That's a partnership that takes work. I'm not going to bail just because it's not good now. If we can't resolve the issue, then we will reassess the situation.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you. There's no way I would get pregnant any time soon, and we have held off on the wedding until/if this can be resolved.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

We talked for 2 hours in bed last night. It's probably one of the most open and forthcoming conversations that we have ever had. We discussed a lot of our incompatibility. He told me that in the beginning, I was beautiful to him. He was incredibly turned on around me. He said now though, I'm just me. He doesn't think anything has changed visually, but he doesn't notice my looks. He notices me as a whole. He said that he's incredibly attracted to me emotionally, but the visual attraction isn't there. I asked if there was anything I can do to help the visual attraction (clothes, style ect) and he said that it's not fair for him to tell me how to look, and he wouldn't do it. He said he should be attracted to me exactly as I am, and I shouldn't have to change for him. 

I did ask if it was psychological. He mentioned a rough patch that we went through. 

(Side note: He was talking to another woman (friend only) who was into the same hobbies as he is. One that I'm not really into. And my insecurities flared up. That was exactly how my ex cheated on me, and I didn't want to relive that. She was only a new friend to him, and when he kept talking about her we fought. (due to my insecurities, I started reading his phone occasionally when he was in the shower, so I knew nothing romantically was going on) we ended up having a roaring fight over it. As it did, it turned into a fight about every aspect of our lives. Not just her. In the fight he called me a lazy b*tch, and some nasty names. So I slapped him. The first, and only time I have ever been violent with anyone. I was so shocked by what he said, and what I did. But we had just moved into the house we brought, and it was a very stressful adjustment period for both of us. He didn't like that I worked full time, and looked after kids full time. So I would rather play with my kids then keep a spotless house. That argument was brutal. It lined up all of our flaws, and put everything out on attack. We ended up staying in separate rooms for a month to try and work through that.)

Anyway, he talked about how he was abused as a kid, and how that time that I slapped him triggered those emotions in him. He said that after that fight, his attraction for me diminished a lot. He saw me in a different light. He also said that he doesn't get any time to himself, and he used to go for drives in his car just to be alone and think. His "nice" car has been off the road for the last year while he has been working on it. He really misses that time to himself. I agreed, and we both noticed that when I went overseas for 3 weeks a while back, that there was more attraction there when I returned. 

He has a dr appointment scheduled this weekend to get the referral to a pathologist for bloods, and to ask again about the cyst. It has a lot of fluid around the testicle. He also said that when his frenulum snapped 10 years ago, that he can go through phases of sex feeling weird. That's what has been making him PE, as his foreskin gets stuck rolled back inside me, and it's way too much sensitivity for him to handle. So he wants to see if he can get that fixed, or the PE addressed. 

I was really happy with how open and honest he was with me. I really think the therapy will be helpful to us, whichever way the relationship ends up going. 

I asked him randomly if he believed in soul mates. He said yes. I asked him if he believed that I was his. He said he doesn't know. I'm not sure how to take that.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> In order to have a good sex life, you have to have sex often enough and have have to enjoy it enough. Enough is a personal definition.
> 
> In order to have a great sex life you have to have a good sex life and then you have to understand that truly passionate sex is selfish. Your passion for your pleasure, your passion for his participation, for his body, for his lovely man parts, you have to selfishly want them. But your mind frame is that selfishness is wrong and sex should be giving. That's only true if you only want a good enough sex life. Passion is selfish, being selfishly passionate about sex is sexy.
> 
> ...


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

chatabox said:


> We talked for 2 hours in bed last night. It's probably one of the most open and forthcoming conversations that we have ever had. We discussed a lot of our incompatibility. He told me that in the beginning, I was beautiful to him. He was incredibly turned on around me. He said now though, I'm just me. He doesn't think anything has changed visually, but he doesn't notice my looks. He notices me as a whole. He said that he's incredibly attracted to me emotionally, but the visual attraction isn't there. I asked if there was anything I can do to help the visual attraction (clothes, style ect) and he said that it's not fair for him to tell me how to look, and he wouldn't do it. He said he should be attracted to me exactly as I am, and I shouldn't have to change for him.
> 
> I did ask if it was psychological. He mentioned a rough patch that we went through.
> .................................


Sounds like a case of "he's just not that into you." Do you want to waste your life in an average relationship with a below average sex life?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Personal said:


> How many different ways does he have to repeatedly tell you he isn't interested in you sexually?



I get that. Loud and clear. You repeating yourself isn't providing any helpful insight to the situation. 

He's not into *anyone* sexually right now. Even hot women in the shops or out and about. Doesn't notice them. 

It's an issue. Yes. But he's acknowledged that he wants to be attracted to me again, he used to be very attracted to me, and he's thinking that it's a psychological issue that's holding him back. I'm not trying to force him to have sex with me. If he wants to see a sex therapist with me, shouldn't we try to explore that avenue first? I mentioned I was thinking of seeing one. He offered to come along with me.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Personal said:


> There are none so blind as those who will not see.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm very open to ending the relationship. No way in hell to I want to spend the next 70+ years in a sexless marriage. But I'm not so quick as to bail on a relationship with a man I love, at the first sign of trouble. Isn't this why the divorce rate is so high? Because people encourage others to leave their significant other when the going gets slightly tough. 

What difference will a month or so make to things, in the grand scheme of life? Either the relationship will be fixed, and everything will be great. Or it will fail miserably, and I will be happy knowing that we tried our hardest before giving up.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

chatabox said:


> I'm very open to ending the relationship. No way in hell to I want to spend the next 70+ years in a sexless marriage. But I'm not so quick as to bail on a relationship with a man I love, at the first sign of trouble. Isn't this why the divorce rate is so high? Because people encourage others to leave their significant other when the going gets slightly tough.
> 
> What difference will a month or so make to things, in the grand scheme of life? Either the relationship will be fixed, and everything will be great. Or it will fail miserably, and I will be happy knowing that we tried our hardest before giving up.


I'm a believer that sexual incompatibility can change. The key to it is both partners need to meet in the middle and be prepared to put in the work, compromise, talk to each other and put other distractions to one side. The problem becomes long term because many people are selfish and are unable to see things from another point of view. They are likely to be complacent and unable to see what the wider, long term consequences will be. I also wonder if many men think women do not really desire sex in the same way and therefore it is not a huge deal to them. I think a lot of women see men as unreasonably sexual and feel justified in neglecting their needs. I'm British and making a fuss is not something we are encouraged to do - we don't like to tread on toes or upset anyone. So we muddle along silently with underlying resentment. 

The general feeling on TAM is that the first sign of sexual mismatch you should leave asap as it will never change. The reason for this is because those who have worked out their difference tend to disappear, and those who continue with the struggle stay to air their grievances. So their is an imbalance of opinion. There are not many of us here who have/are making things work from being in a virtually sexless marriage. But it is possible, but not easy and takes time and patience.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Personal said:


> Not all of us!
> 
> Having so far enjoyed a terrific 20+ year sexual relationship with my luscious wife of 17+ years, I came here with no problems or grievances.


That's what makes you an important poster. I can think of a few others that are like you, or like me who have gone from pretty much sexless to enjoying a fulfilling sex life. But a lot of people come and go once their issues have been resolved, and there are a lot of posters in SIM who have LD/HD problems. So it tends to be unbalanced. 

I think this is why I stick around tbh.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

chatabox said:


> But if it WAS good, then there's no reason why that can't return. I don't want to get married for the wedding. I want to be married because I love the person, and can imagine spending the rest of my life with them. That's a partnership that takes work. I'm not going to bail just because it's not good now. If we can't resolve the issue, then we will reassess the situation.


there's two parts here.

Love

Sexual compatibility

You need both in order for everything to work.

Many times love clouds the brain into thinking that sexual incompatibility can be overcome. It takes many years down a long painful. destructive path of sadness and misery before the brain finally clears

Take some time and read the threads about sexless marriages. They're heart breaking.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

chatabox said:


> Thank you. There's no way I would get pregnant any time soon, and we have held off on the wedding until/if this can be resolved.


Wise move.

My advice: give yourself a fixed deadline by which you will have resolved the issue (not just gotten better, but gotten to a point that you would be happy if that was as good as it gets for the rest of your life) or you will leave him. Do NOT tell him the deadline. If the deadline arrives and you have not fully resolved the issue, promise yourself you will leave. You will be very tempted to give him "just a little more time". Don't do it. You are throwing good time after bad. Resolve it or move on to finding someone more compatible. You can waste you whole life vainly hoping things will improve.

And if you leave, do not look back. He may panic and offer more sex. He may tell you that he never believed you would actually leave over something as trivial and meaningless as sex. He may say that now that he realizes how important sex is to you, he will provide more of it. But that is the point. Sex is vital to you and meaningless to him. If that is the case, then both of you are better off splitting up and each finding someone more compatible. Because if sex is trivial to him, then he will never be the person you need and you will never find him adequate. And you feeling frustrated and him feeling inadequate is no way to run a marriage or a life together.

Lots of us are staying together because we did not realize the vital/trivial gap until after we had kids. I urge you not to repeat our mistakes.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

> He told me that in the beginning, I was beautiful to him. He was incredibly turned on around me. He said now though, I'm just me. He doesn't think anything has changed visually, but he doesn't notice my looks. He notices me as a whole. He said that he's incredibly attracted to me emotionally, but the visual attraction isn't there.


Visual attraction? Oh I don't know how I'd react to this, if my husband said this I'd be quite upset. Then again, I'm all or nothing!  
How did you feel about it? 



> I asked if there was anything I can do to help the visual attraction (clothes, style ect) and he said that it's not fair for him to tell me how to look, and he wouldn't do it. He said he should be attracted to me exactly as I am, and I shouldn't have to change for him.


He said previously that he doesn't notice your looks. (I find that a peculiar thing for a man to say)
When was the last time that he gave you a compliment? 



> I did ask if it was psychological. He mentioned a rough patch that we went through.


Yes, so I would take this as there is nothing wrong physically with his sex drive. 



> (Side note: He was talking to another woman (friend only) who was into the same hobbies as he is. One that I'm not really into. And my insecurities flared up. That was exactly how my ex cheated on me, and I didn't want to relive that. She was only a new friend to him, and when he kept talking about her we fought.


May I ask, what types of things was he saying about his new lady friend? 



> due to my insecurities, I started reading his phone occasionally when he was in the shower, so I knew nothing romantically was going on we ended up having a roaring fight over it. As it did, it turned into a fight about every aspect of our lives. Not just her.


Why, did he catch you checking his phone? 
How did it erupt into a fight? 



> In the fight he called me a lazy b*tch, and some nasty names





> So I slapped him. The first, and only time I have ever been violent with anyone. I was so shocked by what he said, and what I did. But we had just moved into the house we brought, and it was a very stressful adjustment period for both of us. He didn't like that I worked full time, and looked after kids full time. So I would rather play with my kids then keep a spotless house. That argument was brutal. It lined up all of our flaws, and put everything out on attack. We ended up staying in separate rooms for a month to try and work through that.


Perhaps, this could be his "psychological reasons" for the loss of sex drive. 
Violence is wrong, very bad. So is calling nasty names, that's bad too. You slept in separate rooms for a whole month! 
Why? Never one of you wanted to admit your wrongs? 
Any apologies offered after the argument? 



> Anyway, he talked about how he was abused as a kid, and how that time that I slapped him triggered those emotions in him. He said that after that fight, his attraction for me diminished a lot.
> He saw me in a different light.


Yes how does he know that you won't lose your temper again & hit him? 
And I'm not excusing the fact that he called you nasty names, he was in the wrong too. 

But if you shall continue this relationship, I would work on your communication & learning to disagree in a mature way, learning to walk away & breathe without escalating towards name calling & violence. Probably need to build trust up again. 



> He also said that he doesn't get any time to himself, and he used to go for drives in his car just to be alone and think. His "nice" car has been off the road for the last year while he has been working on it. He really misses that time to himself.
> I agreed, and we both noticed that when I went overseas for 3 weeks a while back, that there was more attraction there when I returned.


So you slept in separate beds for a month, then were apart for another 3 weeks? 
It's a long time to be apart but yet he stated above that the attraction was still lacking for him.




> I asked him randomly if he believed in soul mates.
> He said yes.
> I asked him if he believed that I was his.
> He said he doesn't know.
> I'm not sure how to take that.


The slap in the face could have him questioning whether you are indeed soulmates. 

Will he try therapy with you regarding the fighting issues? 

I recommend working on those issues first, and his female friend is an issue too, that needs needs sorting asap or else your fights could escalate again. 

Sorry about all the questions, I want to make sure that both of you aren't wasting your time. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This sounds like a very important breakthrough conversation. The very fact that such honesty was given, IMO, is the only redeeming quality that engenders hope.





chatabox said:


> We talked for 2 hours in bed last night. It's probably one of the most open and forthcoming conversations that we have ever had. We discussed a lot of our incompatibility. He told me that in the beginning, I was beautiful to him. He was incredibly turned on around me. He said now though, I'm just me. He doesn't think anything has changed visually, but he doesn't notice my looks. He notices me as a whole. He said that he's incredibly attracted to me emotionally, but the visual attraction isn't there. I asked if there was anything I can do to help the visual attraction (clothes, style ect) and he said that it's not fair for him to tell me how to look, and he wouldn't do it. He said he should be attracted to me exactly as I am, and I shouldn't have to change for him.



This is concerning. He stoped being attracted to you. He no longer sees a sexy body he wants. He no longer has that visceral response. He no longer feels a physical passion about you. Yet he remains emotionally bonded to you. 

I'm sure this was exceedingly painful to hear and just as painful for him to admit. He does love you and as such he doesn't want to hurt you. He was brave to admit these things and you were brave to hear them!



> I did ask if it was psychological. He mentioned a rough patch that we went through.
> 
> (Side note: He was talking to another woman (friend only) who was into the same hobbies as he is. One that I'm not really into. And my insecurities flared up. That was exactly how my ex cheated on me, and I didn't want to relive that. She was only a new friend to him, and when he kept talking about her we fought. (due to my insecurities, I started reading his phone occasionally when he was in the shower, so I knew nothing romantically was going on) we ended up having a roaring fight over it. As it did, it turned into a fight about every aspect of our lives. Not just her. In the fight he called me a lazy b*tch, and some nasty names. So I slapped him. The first, and only time I have ever been violent with anyone. I was so shocked by what he said, and what I did. But we had just moved into the house we brought, and it was a very stressful adjustment period for both of us. He didn't like that I worked full time, and looked after kids full time. So I would rather play with my kids then keep a spotless house. That argument was brutal. It lined up all of our flaws, and put everything out on attack. We ended up staying in separate rooms for a month to try and work through that.)



Essentially, he felt cut off and marginalized because your attention went to your job and your kids. 

It's important here to try to piece things in correct chronological order.
1. You moved in together, bought a house together.
2. During this time you focused on your job and acclimating your kids, spending quality time with them to help them adjust. 
-was it at this point that sex began to be less frequent?
3. What time you devoted to the home and to him was secondary and incidental to your primary focus of job and kids, kids and job. Each time he noticed the home was in disarray, or not to his standards, he felt neglected. 
-was it after the sex began to be less frequent that you noticed his communication with his new friend?
4. You noticed his communication with the new friend and you became a tad suspicious. Your suspicion was felt by him. Because he already felt marginalized, he interpreted your suspicion as judgement. Because he was abused as a kid, the judgment felt like rejection.
5. You confronted him. A nasty argument occurred. You slapped him. He was sent reeling back to being abused, how rejected he'd felt when his parent abused him. 
6. Meanwhile you had no idea he had been feeling neglected, in fact you had felt neglected. You had no idea that your focus on job and kids felt like a rejection to him. Your suspicion felt like judgement to him, and you accusation and slap took him back in time, emotionally, to when he was powerless to a parent who abused and rejected him. He shut down on you. He closed off to you. He lost his visceral response to you because he was triggered to a place that required he preserve himself. "You can't hurt me if I don't feel anything for you. You can't hurt me if I don't care what you think. You can't hurt me if I no longer want you."

The subsequent time spent sleeping in separate bedrooms allowed him to further distance himself from you. He probably does still love you on some level. But the emotional distance required to save his heart, the heart of an abused child, is not something that can be bridged without fearless dedication to healing.



> Anyway, he talked about how he was abused as a kid, and how that time that I slapped him triggered those emotions in him. He said that after that fight, his attraction for me diminished a lot. He saw me in a different light. He also said that he doesn't get any time to himself, and he used to go for drives in his car just to be alone and think. His "nice" car has been off the road for the last year while he has been working on it. He really misses that time to himself. I agreed, and we both noticed that when I went overseas for 3 weeks a while back, that there was more attraction there when I returned.


This physical distance allowed him time to take a break from maintaining that emotional wall. It allowed him space to think of what he wanted as opposed to thinking and being reminded of how he must protect himself.

Once you came back and routine settled back in, you went back to focusing on job and kids, he went back to feeling neglected and maintaining emotional distance.

His sex drive is heavily linked to his emotional bond. No bond, no sex drive.




> He has a dr appointment scheduled this weekend to get the referral to a pathologist for bloods, and to ask again about the cyst. It has a lot of fluid around the testicle. He also said that when his frenulum snapped 10 years ago, that he can go through phases of sex feeling weird. That's what has been making him PE, as his foreskin gets stuck rolled back inside me, and it's way too much sensitivity for him to handle. So he wants to see if he can get that fixed, or the PE addressed.
> 
> I was really happy with how open and honest he was with me. I really think the therapy will be helpful to us, whichever way the relationship ends up going.
> 
> I asked him randomly if he believed in soul mates. He said yes. I asked him if he believed that I was his. He said he doesn't know. I'm not sure how to take that.


I'm impressed with how honest he was. His honesty is the only saving grace here.

Let me be clear, I do not think your behavior was out of line. I think you behaved rationally. But you are in a relationship with a person who learned that reason has nothing to do with feeling loved because an abusive parent is never reasonable.

I don't know if his honesty is going to be enough to save your relationship.

I grew up and was friends with a guy who's mother was abusive and neglectful. He has been through a few marriages. The last conversation we had was a few years after his second marriage ended. He admitted that after his second wife became pregnant and he had a son, he couldn't take that her attention was focused on his son. He said he loved his son like he'd never loved anyone before, but he could not love a woman who loved anyone but him. It was really good that he had that insight, but having that insight hasn't allowed him to heal enough to have a successful relationship. 

From my observations, people who were abused as kids tend to go in one of two directions. They love unreasonably and allow all sorts of behavior they should never allow. Or, their love dies easily and once it does, it doesn't come back because trust once broken cannot be reforged. 

I heartily suggest you place a time limit on this relationship. Both of you agree together that if by one year from now, the trust and bond and passion hasn't been reforged (and you both must agree on what a reforged trusting bond will look like, what you each expect from someone to whom you've promised to spend the rest of your life with) that you two call it a day and split on friendly cooperative terms.

I think you should give him a chance to work through his trust issues. His honesty with you is a good sign that he *might* be able to heal. But you need to understand that trying isn't doing. That your responsibilities as a mother should never be secondary. That his needs may be too great for you, and your needs may be too great for him and you both would be happier with partners who could meet your needs.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I actually think the issue could be psychological too. 

I went through a period of resenting, or even hating my wife, who is an attractive woman. During that period, I found her ugly, because of psychological reasons. An important difference was that I was still willing to have sex with her, however there was so little sex going on at that time that I would have had sex with anything, so I don't really count that.

You also say you had another partner that cheated on you. Not to make excuses for the cheating, but is it possible you push away lovers with an argumentative attitude after a while? Having someone argue with you all the time, especially if you are genuinely making an effort is anything but a turn on - it subtracts attractiveness in a huge way for me, even an otherwise objectively really hot woman would be not sexy in the least to me.

And for God's sake, he should sort out his man bits.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

chatabox said:


> Typically we will have sex maybe once a month. And for him, I can tell that it's duty sex. It's quick, in the bed, lights off, missionary, limited to no foreplay, and he's done quickly. It leaves me more frustrated in all honesty then just not having it to begin with.


Seriously, it's not gonna work out. He's broken. My ex was the same. I was so resentful towards her. Never again will I tolerate that crap. 

You are signing on for a life of misery by marrying this guy. Don't say you weren't warned. Plenty of guys who love sex out there. Don't settle this.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sorry, I'm late to the party, but at least on this topic I have an opinion that is useful.

I have a marriage sample of exactly one on which to base my advice, so consider accordingly.

This will not get better, mostly. He will make efforts once on a while, but they'll be small, unsatisfactory, and unsatisfying to you. You'll see it as progress and convince yourself that change is coming "any day now". But it isn't, not really. Because you're not coming from the same sexual reference point. Likely you never will.

We all, ultimately, revert to form, and it only gets worse as we age. One's personality is remarkably stable over time. You are lucky enough to have a window into his true self in time to do something about it. Do not miss the opportunity to avail yourself of that knowledge.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sadly I completely agree.
Don't get your hopes up at temporary improvements - in many cases they will just vanish again. Its difficult to avoid though. A couple of nights ago my wife and I had sex for the first time in 6 months. Like an idiot I can't stop thinking "maybe things are actually improving". After 30 years I *know* that they are not. 






Cletus said:


> Sorry, I'm late to the party, but at least on this topic I have an opinion that is useful.
> 
> I have a marriage sample of exactly one on which to base my advice, so consider accordingly.
> 
> ...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

uhtred said:


> After 30 years I *know* that they are not.


At least you're aware of the reality. Which puts the burden of your continuing to tolerate your own self-deception squarely on your shoulders.

Which is exactly where I want to place it for everyone reading these threads suffering from the same problem. 

Fixing sexual incompatibility is like forcing your spouse to like broccoli. Perhaps not impossible, but difficult enough that you'd be unwise to try for very long with any expectation of success.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Please consider the possibility that his lack of attraction has nothing to do with your physical appearance. I mean, I'm not saying that your physical appearance has nothing to do with his lack of attraction- I don't know what you look like, you could be a 10 on the Richter scale and make guys salivate or you could send guys running for the door- that's something only you and the people you know in real life can answer.

What I AM saying is that he could very well be focused on someone else and there's only room in his life for one woman at a time and you're not it.

If that's the case for him to infer that you are unattractive while he really knows it's because he's getting it elsewhere not only makes him a liar but it makes him a coward as well.

It's concerning that you are so quick to dismiss the possibility of another woman. Especially given his "female friend".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chatabox said:


> He has a dr appointment scheduled this weekend to get the referral to a pathologist for bloods, and to ask again about *the cyst. It has a lot of fluid around the testicle. He also said that when his frenulum snapped 10 years ago, that he can go through phases of sex feeling weird. *That's what has been making him PE, as* his foreskin gets stuck rolled back inside me, and it's way too much sensitivity for him to handle.* So he wants to see if he can get that fixed, or the PE addressed.
> 
> 
> I asked him randomly if he believed in soul mates. He said yes. I asked him if he believed that I was his. He said he doesn't know. I'm not sure how to take that.


As is highlighted in the first paragraph I quoted, you aren't just dealing with a psychological issue due to your roaring fight and subsequent slap, you're also dealing with a couple of physical issues as well. 

Between the two, a sex life you both find satisfying is less likely and would take much time and effort, especially considering medical treatment could take months, if not years, and may never be entirely successful.

If a man believes in soul mates and doesn't _know_ you are his after a relationship of this duration, then the answer is that you aren't.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

peacem said:


> I'm a believer that sexual incompatibility can change. The key to it is both partners need to meet in the middle and be prepared to put in the work, compromise, talk to each other and put other distractions to one side. The problem becomes long term because many people are selfish and are unable to see things from another point of view. They are likely to be complacent and unable to see what the wider, long term consequences will be. I also wonder if many men think women do not really desire sex in the same way and therefore it is not a huge deal to them. I think a lot of women see men as unreasonably sexual and feel justified in neglecting their needs. I'm British and making a fuss is not something we are encouraged to do - we don't like to tread on toes or upset anyone. So we muddle along silently with underlying resentment.
> 
> The general feeling on TAM is that the first sign of sexual mismatch you should leave asap as it will never change. The reason for this is because those who have worked out their difference tend to disappear, and those who continue with the struggle stay to air their grievances. So their is an imbalance of opinion. There are not many of us here who have/are making things work from being in a virtually sexless marriage. But it is possible, but not easy and takes time and patience.




Thank you for your advice. At the beginning there was no mis-match. We fitted each other perfectly with our levels of desire towards each other. I hope we can get that back.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Wise move.
> 
> My advice: give yourself a fixed deadline by which you will have resolved the issue (not just gotten better, but gotten to a point that you would be happy if that was as good as it gets for the rest of your life) or you will leave him. Do NOT tell him the deadline. If the deadline arrives and you have not fully resolved the issue, promise yourself you will leave. You will be very tempted to give him "just a little more time". Don't do it. You are throwing good time after bad. Resolve it or move on to finding someone more compatible. You can waste you whole life vainly hoping things will improve.
> 
> ...




Very wise words. And in saying that, I don't want to force someone to change because of my wants and needs. If he can't happily participate a satisfying sexual relationship, I don't want to be that person forcing him into it. It makes me feel like sh*t. The only redeeming points are his honesty when I've voiced my dissatisfaction, and the fact that we used to be very well matched in the bedroom.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Manchester said:


> All women suck at blowjobs. That's the whole point.


Umm.... no.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

BioFury said:


> People have needs. It's the responsibility of the other person to meet those needs. If he doesn't want to meet your needs, or anyone else's needs for that matter. Then he needs to go crawl under a rock, and be alone.
> 
> If he wants to be with you, then he needs to grow a pair, get in touch with the reality that he is failing in his responsibility to care for you, and then fix it.


Yes.

Sorry, I didn't read the entire thread but this is the answer.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chatabox said:


> Thank you for your advice. At the beginning there was no mis-match. We fitted each other perfectly with our levels of desire towards each other. I hope we can get that back.


Have you researched the limerence phase? Many couples experience intense attraction and sexual bonding for a period of time simply because the relationship is new. After that phase ends, your pretty much at status quo.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Visual attraction? Oh I don't know how I'd react to this, if my husband said this I'd be quite upset. Then again, I'm all or nothing!
> How did you feel about it?
> 
> He said previously that he doesn't notice your looks. (I find that a peculiar thing for a man to say)
> ...


I was hurt. Who wouldn't be? But the way he explained it made sense. I can't even remember the words he used now. That's why I tried to get the main points down the morning after our talk. It was more like he was looking at a close friend or family member. You don't normally gauge them on their attractiveness, but you love them to death. It's like I've been friend-zoned inside my own relationship. 



MrsAldi said:


> May I ask, what types of things was he saying about his new lady friend?
> 
> Why, did he catch you checking his phone?
> How did it erupt into a fight?
> ...


Just talking about cars with her all the time. It's the one hobby I'm not really into, and she was obviously very car orientated. The conversation wasn't flirty at all. It was literally him showing her his project car, them talking about cars and past cars, what she wants to do to her car ect. He never really told me about her to begin with, and I saw the FB message bubble when we were in bed one night. So I went snooping. I know it was incredibly wrong to do, but I needed to do it at the time to protect my heart. The thing is, if he had of introduced me to her as his friend, or even talked about her openly... I wouldn't have actually cared that she was female. But he didn't tell me, and the secrecy was very tough to handle due to my insecurities. 

He told me that having women friends in the past has had him kicked out of his home with an ex as she assumed he was cheating when he wasn't. He thought telling me would have been bad. But I explained that it's the secrecy that hurt me. Hiding people behind my back, exactly like my ex did. Being upfront and honest would never make me annoyed at him. 

We slept in separate rooms because we had an accumulation of issues, and stress over the move and joining our finances ect. We didn't know how to argue productively. We needed the time apart to try and work on us objectively, rather then emotionally. It worked well at the time. We don't really argue now, and if we do we can get it resolved quickly. The retreat to separate rooms made us spend time together in an intentional way, rather then just blobbing on the couch watching TV.. But not really being there together. I think it was really good for us, and we get on much better now because of it. We understand each other a lot better then we did. We spent time learning each other triggers, and how to meet each other's needs emotionally when we were disagreeing. 



MrsAldi said:


> So you slept in separate beds for a month, then were apart for another 3 weeks?
> It's a long time to be apart but yet he stated above that the attraction was still lacking for him.
> 
> The slap in the face could have him questioning whether you are indeed soulmates.
> ...



The separate rooms were early in the year. My holiday was the end of July. So we had been sharing a room for quite a while prior to me going away again. But I took the kids with me, and that gave him some space. I think he struggles with living with kids full time after being in a bachelor lifestyle. He finds it hard that my attention is divided in many places. He found it nice when I came back from NZ. He said he missed me, and we had a good sexual relationship for a short time. But then it went back to how it has been. 

He has agreed to therapy. He wants to try all avenues before making a decision on us. He doesn't really talk to his female friend any more. When I explained my point of view to him, and how it was hurting me, he cooled off on talking to her.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> This sounds like a very important breakthrough conversation. The very fact that such honesty was given, IMO, is the only redeeming quality that engenders hope.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I've read this post about 4-5 times. I think your response is spot on. You have pinpointed every issue for us, even ones I haven't really mentioned here. His struggles with me dividing my time are very true. But I mostly put them to the back of my mind. I work full time, I have full time care of 2 kids. He slots into our life, but I think he wishes we had more uninterrupted time. He doesn't really mention it as he knows it won't happen. He gets nights after the kids were in bed, and also every second weekend for just us. But all his ex girlfriends have worked part time, or not at all. He's not used to dealing with someone who is away from the house full time, and doesn't have unlimited time to cook and clean ect. 

Thank you so much for your insight. It's given me a lot of things to think about, especially things I haven't really noticed or paid much attention to. I agree with putting a time limit on the relationship. I don't want to give it too much time to drag this whole thing out, but don't want to give it too little that it can't be successful. I think a year is too long. 

I booked into a relationship counsellor today. I just have to wait until they can find availability of one in my area under their books. Should hear back in 24hrs max. Luckily the first few sessions are funded by my employer as part of my salary packaging. So it has to be through a specific company.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Good Guy said:


> I actually think the issue could be psychological too.
> 
> I went through a period of resenting, or even hating my wife, who is an attractive woman. During that period, I found her ugly, because of psychological reasons. An important difference was that I was still willing to have sex with her, however there was so little sex going on at that time that I would have had sex with anything, so I don't really count that.
> 
> ...




Yeah, I can get argumentative sometimes. It's something I'm trying to work on. The cheating was due to the fact that I was his first lover, and he wasn't mine. He didn't want to live the rest of his life with only having sex with one person. But wanted to stay with me. So he tried to have the best of both worlds. 

I work in an industry where I deal with a lot of people on a daily basis, fixing their issues. I have a polite "I'll do anything to help you" demeanour at work. Sometimes I get home, and I just don't want to talk to people, or be nice. If I haven't had my time to chill, especially after a stressful day, I can be a b*tch. But I'm trying to fix that, and he says that I have been getting much better then I was. So it's working slowly. 

But I think his lack of attractiveness to me is also to do with my moods. He goes out to his shed to be alone when I've had a stressful day.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Seriously, it's not gonna work out. He's broken. My ex was the same. I was so resentful towards her. Never again will I tolerate that crap.
> 
> You are signing on for a life of misery by marrying this guy. Don't say you weren't warned. Plenty of guys who love sex out there. Don't settle this.




I'm not marrying him if this continues.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Sorry, I'm late to the party, but at least on this topic I have an opinion that is useful.
> 
> I have a marriage sample of exactly one on which to base my advice, so consider accordingly.
> 
> ...




Thank you for sharing your story. We used to be very similar sexually. I'd like to explore the possibility of if that could return. But I don't wish to chain myself for life to somebody who doesn't meet my needs sexually.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Manchester said:


> Please consider the possibility that his lack of attraction has nothing to do with your physical appearance. I mean, I'm not saying that your physical appearance has nothing to do with his lack of attraction- I don't know what you look like, you could be a 10 on the Richter scale and make guys salivate or you could send guys running for the door- that's something only you and the people you know in real life can answer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He's not the kind of guy to cheat. I had lots of practise picking up on the signals with my cheating ex, and my current partner displays none of these. On the occasions that I have looked through his phone (unbeknownst to him), there's been nothing there to indicate any untoward relationships. No apps ect for hidden conversations. I'm not ruling out completely that he would never do it, but at the moment I know I'm 98% sure that there's no other relationship. I know where he is almost all of the time, and if he's doing something after work, he invites me along. He would never have the time to cheat. He's a busy man.

But I get where your coming from, and the lack of attraction did worry me to that respect. But he was cheated on in the past too. We made a pact in the early days that we would end the relationship before ever cheating.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> As is highlighted in the first paragraph I quoted, you aren't just dealing with a psychological issue due to your roaring fight and subsequent slap, you're also dealing with a couple of physical issues as well.
> 
> Between the two, a sex life you both find satisfying is less likely and would take much time and effort, especially considering medical treatment could take months, if not years, and may never be entirely successful.
> 
> If a man believes in soul mates and doesn't _know_ you are his after a relationship of this duration, then the answer is that you aren't.




Yes, this is my concern also. I want to put a time limit on our efforts to fix this, but don't know how long could be reasonable. The soul mates comment probably hurt the most out of anything he told me that night, to be honest. But he equates soul mates as love at first sight. And that's not really rational.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you researched the limerence phase? Many couples experience intense attraction and sexual bonding for a period of time simply because the relationship is new. After that phase ends, your pretty much at status quo.




No, I haven't. But I will. Thanks for the tip.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

chatabox said:


> Thank you for sharing your story. We used to be very similar sexually. I'd like to explore the possibility of if that could return. But I don't wish to chain myself for life to somebody who doesn't meet my needs sexually.


*He needs to be man enough to go see both a urologist and a sex counselor!

If he continues to refuse, you need to fastly take "a walk!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chatabox said:


> No, I haven't. But I will. Thanks for the tip.


I'd suggest that if the healthy portion of your shared sex life outlasted the limerence phase, it's maybe something that can be fixed. If your sex life started to slide down hill around the end of the limerence phase, it might simply be a loss of attraction/status quo thing.

I figure this possibility should be much easier to investigate than the medical issues and the psychological issues, which may or may not be the culprits. Heaven knows, LD men and woman will use any excuse and are always promising they'll do something...later...someday..and it'll get better...maybe... Sometimes, it's hard for the HD partner to know what is an excuse and what is really an issue.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

chatabox said:


> Yes, this is my concern also. I want to put a time limit on our efforts to fix this, but don't know how long could be reasonable.


Reasonable time is 3 to 6 months to dump him absent improvement. If he sees doctor, doctor finds a medical problem that can be treated, and bf enthusiastically adopts the treatment regimen, then you can cut him another 3 months for the treatment to work. Reasonable time should not be measured in years. It should be measured in weeks or months. Every DAY you wait is torture for you and a waste of time unless he is actively making changes. Even if he is trying, you need a deadline for him to achieve success. If he isn't actively making changes, reasonable time is very short indeed.



chatabox said:


> The soul mates comment probably hurt the most out of anything he told me that night, to be honest. But he equates soul mates as love at first sight. And that's not really rational.


Rational has nothing to do with it. Ban that thought from your head. Doesn't matter if he is or isn't being rational. He is being the person he wants to be. Trying to convince him that he is NOT being rational is doomed to failure. If you are thinking that the "solution" to this problem is to convince him that he isn't being rational, trust me you are better off splitting with him now than investing time and energy trying to get him to see things your way. He feels how he feels. And he is absolutely entitled to fee that way. Doesn't make him wrong or a bad person. Just makes him a bad match for you. Free him to find his "soul mate" and free yourself to find a man who agrees with you that "love at first sight" is irrational.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

So he gave me a massage on Wed night. He got half hard, but then afterwards said he was exhausted. So nothing happened. That was frustrating, but I let him sleep. Thursday we talked for a while again. He's trying to figure out things that help his attraction. 

He realised that our dates have gotten into a rut. (I strongly agree) and it's always dinner and a movie, or dinner and a drive. It's always the 2 of us, and we don't go out with friends much. So we made an effort over the weekend to do an unusual date while we were kid free. We also went out for dinner with friends and spent a number of hours out with other people. It was great. 

He mentioned that he doesn't get much time to himself to work on his car, or just do whatever. That's partially me wanting to spend time with him, but it's also him having too much planned so he doesn't get to spend time on his own. So he's going to try and cut back on the stuff that he does for everyone else so he can relax. Our date on Sat showed him that he doesn't relax much. 

He also mentioned that kissing gets him turned on, and we don't do that much either. I told him that that was on him - as he normally turned away after a peck or two. No real romantic kissing.

So we went into the weekend trying to spend time with friends, and to kiss more. So the weekend was a good one. We actually had sex 3 times over the weekend. All initiated by us just kissing. I didn't put any pressure on him. Made it clear I just wanted to kiss. And one thing lead to another...

He told me he was in a grump on Sat, and having sex helped make him more relaxed too. So he's happy with the weekend too. 

We have our first counselling session on the 27th.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Excellent update @chatabox

You two seem to working several different contributors to healing the distance. You are showing a healthy amount of "seeking to understand before seeking to be understood" which will go a LONG way in establishing a better relationship. 

Do you feel that he is also seeking to understand you? Or do you feel it is too soon for that just yet?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@chatabox great update. The kissing comment was really tells by and I'm glad he mentioned it and you responded. Sounds like a very positive outcome 


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Excellent update @chatabox
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We've taken all pressure off to have sex. I'm not talking about it at all. If it happens, it happens. We were watching a movie last night, and he pulled me in for a hug and a kiss. And he's making an effort to actually sit down and relax. So that's giving us more time to enjoy each other. 

I'm a very upfront person, and will openly discuss almost anything. I think that's taken him a while to get used to. He's seen my talking as complaining, and it's not. If I'm not doing something to meet his needs, I need to know about it. I can't help if I don't know how. It's just who I am. 

He made a comment the other day about that and that I'm very different to his ex's. They used to say no and manipulate him a lot. Which he didn't like, but with sex he said turned him on and he wanted sex more. Simply because they said no, and he wanted what he couldn't get. He saw it as a challenge. But I'm not like that. I would never manipulate a person or a situation. He says it's one of my good points, and why he loves me so much. But sometimes no is good for him. So it's something I've yet to try out. 

Right now I think he's focusing more on himself. He needs to figure out how he works, before he can figure me out. I'm not too worried. If needed, I will discuss it in the counselling sessions. But I'm just enjoying the closeness.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ummmm well you could google femdom or read some dominatrix blogs about sexual control. Sounds like he has turned a bad past into a fetish - I actually think that's more common than most want to talk about. Perhaps the idea of a female in control at least means they want sex and even though there is a dominance and control aspect, the sexual desire in a female is what men who are denied sex IRL actually want.

Anyway perhaps there are specific things you can say to him sexually that will trigger this desire. Maybe the opposite of what you would normally say - like teasing him that he won't be getting any tonight with a little taunting.

This very mild sexual control and female dominance might be just what he needs. There are a ton of POV porn videos with women "instructing", teasing, taunting, etc so I assume it is a "thing" for a lot of guys.

You could try - just ever so lightly - and see if he responds. If so, take it a little further.

I read an interesting article in psychology today about cuckolding and swinging - they made the argument that jealousy kicks in and us very close to the way we feel when love is new, when you're competing for a new lover and are unsure what will happen next. 

Could be this feeling is what he is reacting to - the uncertainty and competition.

Just an idea...




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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

chatabox said:


> We've taken all pressure off to have sex. I'm not talking about it at all. If it happens, it happens. We were watching a movie last night, and he pulled me in for a hug and a kiss. And he's making an effort to actually sit down and relax. So that's giving us more time to enjoy each other.
> 
> I'm a very upfront person, and will openly discuss almost anything. I think that's taken him a while to get used to. He's seen my talking as complaining, and it's not. If I'm not doing something to meet his needs, I need to know about it. I can't help if I don't know how. It's just who I am.
> 
> ...


Maybe turn it into part of the game. Sometimes when MrH says he wants me I tell him he has to catch me first, his face lights up as I take off 

I wish you well OP, you show great strength and determination. Please think about the future and if you want to be in a relationship that you have to be the leader of. For me it would not work as I thrive on being with a man that cannot keep his hands off me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> Maybe turn it into part of the game. Sometimes when MrH says he wants me I tell him he has to catch me first, his face lights up as I take off
> 
> I wish you well OP, you show great strength and determination. Please think about the future and if you want to be in a relationship that you have to be the leader of. For me it would not work as I thrive on being with a man that cannot keep his hands off me.


Agree!

I think there is a world of difference between teasing and femdom. The two aren't really the same. 

Teasing creates sexual tension. It's a grown up version of playing tag. If she teases him, she is inviting him to chase and catch while letting him know she wants to be caught.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Agree!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I wasn't clear. I meant to read that material to understand it if OP is unfamiliar with the concepts. Many are very counterintuitive for a loving spouse. I've read some and had my eyes opened as to how many respond sexually to things other than direct positive responses (my natural sexuality). I've subsequently "found" vast parts of the porn interwebs that make much more sense to me now. 

Many include very light teasing and "possible" sexual and O denial - to build the sexual tension. A little uncertainty. A little change of pace. A little requirement to chase or be chased. Just a tiny bit more than teasing.

I bought a little riding crop for a few bucks at a sex shop - a little floppy leather paddle on one side and a feather in the other. The girl at the counter said I should "get one of those" pointing to the BDSM section, because mine wouldn't work at all. I laughed - simply having the paddle was sufficient for a little tease - I don't think she got the point if the "fake" items either. And BTW I saw a whole collection of Shades of Gray toys - fuzzy handcuffs and padded blindfolds - at Target of all places!

I absolutely agree that femdom isn't something one stumbles upon one day and says "hey let's do this!". Not what I'm recommending at all. Sorry if I was unclear.







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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I wasn't clear. I meant to read that material to understand it if OP is unfamiliar with the concepts. Many are very counterintuitive for a loving spouse. I've read some and had my eyes opened as to how many respond sexually to things other than direct positive responses (my natural sexuality). I've subsequently "found" vast parts of the porn interwebs that make much more sense to me now.
> 
> Many include very light teasing and "possible" sexual and O denial - to build the sexual tension. A little uncertainty. A little change of pace. A little requirement to chase or be chased. Just a tiny bit more than teasing.
> 
> ...




Sorry, I wasn't sure if you were suggesting it or not. Whatever floats your boat and your partner is okay with.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Sorry, I wasn't sure if you were suggesting it or not. *Whatever floats your boat and your partner is okay with*.


Whatever floats your boat and your partner is totally on board and wants the same thing would be a better position to start from. Just being OK with it won't sustain things for the long haul. Sexual compatibility is more than just being OK, it is about actually wanting the same things, the same style but with some extras and exploration thrown in for good measure.

Being in a relationship where our compatibility is a 9/10 is a far happy place than when I was in a relationship that was 3/10. OP do not underestimate the importance of this, sure a few small steps may seem like a major win but TBH I don't think anything less than an 8 or 9 out of 10 is sustainable long term.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The range of teasing, domination, bdsm, bondage, etc. is VERY broad and different people may very much enjoy some parts and hate others. It would be great to just know what your partner wants, but I think it is such a broad and variable thing that you really have to ask. There is also the issue of separating "real" and "play". 








TheTruthHurts said:


> I wasn't clear. I meant to read that material to understand it if OP is unfamiliar with the concepts. Many are very counterintuitive for a loving spouse. I've read some and had my eyes opened as to how many respond sexually to things other than direct positive responses (my natural sexuality). I've subsequently "found" vast parts of the porn interwebs that make much more sense to me now.
> 
> Many include very light teasing and "possible" sexual and O denial - to build the sexual tension. A little uncertainty. A little change of pace. A little requirement to chase or be chased. Just a tiny bit more than teasing.
> 
> ...


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Agree!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It's the teasing that he wants. Kissing to arouse him, then telling him no. Making him work for it.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Maybe turn it into part of the game. Sometimes when MrH says he wants me I tell him he has to catch me first, his face lights up as I take off
> 
> 
> 
> I wish you well OP, you show great strength and determination. Please think about the future and if you want to be in a relationship that you have to be the leader of. For me it would not work as I thrive on being with a man that cannot keep his hands off me.




Yes, this is what he's after. But I don't think it's something he wants every time. Just occasionally to spice things up. Like I came home late last night, and he was relaxing instead of working on the car. I put the kids to bed, and then went into the bedroom to read, and give him some space. He asked me for a hug, and kept giving me kisses. He's being much more affectionate. But I need to know that this is going to last long term. I don't want this being his effort to make it better, then it goes back to how it was. And I hope the counselling will see if that's the case.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You could get him all turned on with a hot make out session right before you have to leave for XYZ. That way you're saying "no" without risking making him feel rejected.


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

Well, it's all come to this point. I had New Year's Day as my end day. 3ish months to turn things around. I found out yesterday that he had gotten a secret personal loan whilst I was in another country grieving a dead family member. The day after I left he got it, and spent it. So I told him yesterday that I was done. 

I can't do this **** anymore. There's heaps to the back story from then to now. But my brain hurts today.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Please don't waver. Please get out safely and with the least amount of drama you can. There are bigger problems in your relationship than the sex.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it does suck and break ups are always hard even when we are the ones leaving. 

But do stay strong, you must, must take this opportunity to get out. No matter how much it hurts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Super honest post. 

My guess - his T (testosterone) levels have crashed. Either that or he has a porn addiction. 

He needs to get his T levels checked. 






chatabox said:


> Is there any way to get around being sexually incompatible with your long term partner? Any success stories here? I'm wanting to try sex/relationship counselling, but he's unsure how he would go. He doesn't like talking about that sort of stuff.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out if our relationship is going to work long term. Fiancee and I have been together nearing on 3 years. I have 2 kids from a previous long term relationship, 6 & 4.
> 
> ...


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## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

I can't unfortunately leave quickly and easily. We have to settle on the house that we both own. But he was getting personal loans in his name to spend on goodness knows what, and didn't bother telling me. It was apparently "none of your business". That's what did it for me. That is not a man talking like he is a family man. That's a selfish man talking.


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