# Complete empasse in a relationship due to family problems.



## Jimsmith (Aug 25, 2011)

Hello, I was hoping I could get some honest advice regarding a situation I am in with my current fiance. I am the male in the relationship making this post, and I will use assumed names for the privacy of everyone involved. I'm going to provide a background of the situation and it may be lenghty, for this I apologize however only by describing the situation can I portray how difficult of a situation I am in. If you would be willing to read objectively, it would be greatly appreciated. For the sake of the conversation, my name is Jim. My fiance is Andrea. My fiance's brother is Frank.

Some background information:
I (Jim) am an educated working professional. I am 32 and make an above average salary. I am renting an apartment currently, engaged and very much in love with Andrea. 

Andrea is 34, and lives with her brother Frank. Andrea also has secondary education, makes an average salary as a working professional and is the mortgage holder for the home that she shares with her brother Frank. Andrea pays the majority of the bills at the house. Andrea lives in a home that was previously her Mother's. Andrea's mom passed away about 5 years ago, and she has since taken over the house. Andrea does not want to sat in the home, which I am ok with as she has bad emotional ties with the home.

Frank (Andrea's brother) is 27. He is not employed. He has been unemployed for sometime now. He has a fairly large amount of money in the bank for a 27 year old from the estate's of his mother and grandfather. Frank does not have any secondary education. Frank does not have any job history on his resume longer than 1 year as he has difficult holding jobs down. Frank does not have any specific skill set to offer to an employer and seems (My opinion) to not be very willing to take on entry level jobs as his experience requires. Frank does not have a drivers license and refuses to get one, which limits his working options and mobility. Frank is also Gay, which means nothing to me personally, however the world can be cruel and in my opinion this puts him in an even more difficult position when job hunting. Frank sleeps in the basement of Andrea's house and is unwilling to leave. It is my opinion that Frank needs counseling. It is really that bad however, this is just my opinion. I have had multiple arguements with Andrea over Frank. She is very defensive about the situation and will not hold her ground when pushed back by her father or brother.

I (Jim) am trying to marry Andrea. We have been engaged since the holidays and Frank is unwilling to leave the house. Andrea doesnt want to hurt his feelings or create strife in her family so she will not confront the situation. I have offered professional counseling to her. I have offered to have a sit down discussion between all parties. I have written her email letters telling her how I feel. I have bought a self help book about "letting go" that she has not read.... and now I'm on a self help forum seeing advice. She refuses to confront the problem and we are now at an empasse. 

I would like to have a traditional wedding and purchase a home with Andrea. In order to do this, we need to have one set of bills. Her current solution to the entire mess is to sell her house, which then would of course evict her brother. It is my opinion that she should confront the situation now. I would be willing to stay with her for however long it takes to sell the home, and we would be able to save several thousand dollars a month towards the wedding or new home if we had one set of bills. I refuse to set a presence by allowing him to live with us. It is my opinion that he needs to become a man and Andrea needs to let life "kick him in the stones"... as protecting him from the harsh reality of the world is actually hurting him, not helping him. 

As a result, Andrea and I go through a continual cycle of arguing and nothing coming as a result of the arguement. She is very defensive and even when I attempt to be passive, she makes comments that are hurtful and irrational. I have never once had her acknowledge that there is a problem. She has never asked me for advice. She doesnt see or doesnt want to admit there is a problem openly and does not have a plan to resolve anything other than waiting for her home to sell. She is 34 and we would like to start a family. We have to save for a wedding, buy a home etc, all before starting a family and everyday that passes delays the start of our life together. When we fight, this is the only thing we ever fight about. Otherwise our relationship is healthy. The problem is we have had the same fight and same outcome about 25 times now and its really getting old. 

I care for this woman very much however I'm in a position where if I intervene, she will get upset. Alternatively, she will not handle the problem herself. 

Her father is also aware of the problem and is not helping. I was asked not to talk to either the brother or the father by Andrea. This adds a whole additional aspect to the problem (father) but I'm not even going to get into it. 

I feel like I'm out of options. Does anyone have any advice? I can either wait or leave. I dont want to do either.

Thanks for any objective comments or suggestions.


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## Jimsmith (Aug 25, 2011)

bump... anyone? I could really use some help here. :scratchhead:


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I would trust your future wife in this situation. Let her handle it. She is going to have to talk to her brother at one time or another. Show that you trust her to do what she feels is best (even if you don't think it is the best option). Trusting her now with this difficult situation will help as you work on building a solid trust for your future relationship.


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## Jimsmith (Aug 25, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> I would trust your future wife in this situation. Let her handle it. She is going to have to talk to her brother at one time or another. Show that you trust her to do what she feels is best (even if you don't think it is the best option). Trusting her now with this difficult situation will help as you work on building a solid trust for your future relationship.


Normally, I would absolutely agree with you. Unfortunately it has been 8 months and she has not handled it. At what point is enough, enough? I dont see her taking action anytime soon out of fear of losing family relationships.... Her mother spitefully wrote her out of her will before she died and she is afraid if she leans on her brother, she will lose her father and brother out of spite. Its really a mess. I tell her that if her family is not supportive of her wanting to start a family and be happy, then they are not worth having around. I have a large extended family and everyone loves her. I personally dont think her brother and father would cast her off, however they are very stubborn and sadly, I think they might. They are acting very selfish right now. Its at the point that I believe that the father would rather I leave, so he doesnt have to deal with his problem son, forsaking his daughers future happiness. I believe that wholeheartedly.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

so...

Why is her brother not living with her father? or is the father also in the house? (can't see that link so apologise if I have misread it).

I stand by you, and she needs a reality check.

If you have the same argument 25 times and you don't carry out your consequences, each time you do that, you lose respect by not doing anything you threaten to do and as such she will continue to keep "going round and round in circles" until she decides she wants to. By then the biological clock may have passed (extreme but possible)...

Put it to her:

You want to get married?
You want a family?

Well this is what we have to do .......

If she wants the things you have to work to them together, it seems that her brother (and father?) are holding her back on happiness (maybe unfair for you to add to that but hey, where does YOUR RELATIONSHIP happiness come into it...)

not enough to go on, but, has she a history of holding on to things instead of amking things happen... Have you?

Somone needs to grab the bull by the horns, and that MAY have to be you


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Jimsmith said:


> Normally, I would absolutely agree with you. Unfortunately it has been 8 months and she has not handled it. At what point is enough, enough? I dont see her taking action anytime soon out of fear of losing family relationships.... Her mother spitefully wrote her out of her will before she died and she is afraid if she leans on her brother, she will lose her father and brother out of spite. Its really a mess. I tell her that if her family is not supportive of her wanting to start a family and be happy, then they are not worth having around. I have a large extended family and everyone loves her. I personally dont think her brother and father would cast her off, however they are very stubborn and sadly, I think they might. They are acting very selfish right now. Its at the point that I believe that the father would rather I leave, so he doesnt have to deal with his problem son, forsaking his daughers future happiness. I believe that wholeheartedly.


Just be careful. Most women highly value their connection with their families. Making her "choose" between you or the family could bring later resentment to the marriage.


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## Jimsmith (Aug 25, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> Just be careful. Most women highly value their connection with their families. Making her "choose" between you or the family could bring later resentment to the marriage.


This is the center point of my fear.... What happens when her brother runs out of money in 3 years, we have children and he's unemployed and needs a place to stay. The guy is really a deadbeat. I dont say that being mean. I say it with honesty. Her family is really toxic. Beyond a few cousins a hundred miles away, they all hate each other. The family is Italian and could not be more stereotypical. I dont mean to offend the italian's out there. Its the only way I know how to describe what I'm up against. If you had to make a carcature of a disfunctional italian family, I'm dealing with it. She has a choice she has to make. Join me in making a new life for herself, starting our own legacy and joining the 60+ members of my extremely healthy extended family.... or.... stick around with her toxic father and brother who are not looking out for her best interests in the first place, along with a extended family that basically does not exist, dislikes each other, or ever participate in her life. I may sound biased but sadly this is reality. I have people at her work asking me at work parties on the side what they can do to help "snap her out of it" ... Its like the whole world can see how messed up the situation is but her.


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## Jimsmith (Aug 25, 2011)

Neil said:


> so...
> 
> Why is her brother not living with her father? or is the father also in the house? (can't see that link so apologise if I have misread it).
> 
> ...


The father facilitated the setup of the 2 of them in the house because he knew that his daughter would take care of his disfunctional son when the mother died. Right now, the father does not want to have to deal with the son, so he giving 101 excuses why he cant live with him. Actually, I feel like the father would rather I go away, so he could pat his daugher on the head and say "its ok", which secretly washing his hands of having to deal with his son. 

As far as the biological clock, yeah, that also huge on my mind. At this rate we may not be able to have multiple children as she would be approaching 40. I have also expressed that to her in discussions.

As far as grabbing hold of the situation, yes, I have already approached her father. He has avoided me on holidays/b-day's etc since. I'm very close to giving her an ultimatum. If she choses to go the other way, she was never mind to begin with. I make 3x her salary. We would be able to have a very comfortable life in a hurry. She is the one with the most to lose. I never threaten her with that but, its the honest truth. I told her the other night she had a "limited time" to figure things out or I was going to get involved. She told me her father would want to _fight me_ .... I would never, EVER, become physical with anyone over something so trivial. The man is like a caveman. He is also the master of his own universe. 

I actually offered for her to move in with me, shut the house down, put her extra stuff in storage, and I would pay the mortgage and storage bills for her, until the house sold to force her brother's hand. I didnt get a straight answer yet from her. Its gotten that bad that I have to suggest things that extreme as I've run out of options.


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