# When to let go?



## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

I am new posting and hope I can find some comfort for this feeling I can not get rid of...never thought I would be on a site like this so I guess here goes..

DH was pulling away from me and our children (13 yo at home and a stepdaughter that we raised who is now out of the home) for the past year we have been married for 16. When I asked him what was going on he would just tell me he was stressed at work and sorting things out. Well in July he stayed out all night, when he came home he told me he was trying to figure out a way to leave me w/o financially devastating our son/me. I have been a stay at home mom for about 13 years...worked part time over that period. Told me if it was not for the financials that he would be leaving me with or if he had a million dollars he would walk out and never look back. He no longer loved me. Needless to say I was devastated cried for days, begged him to stay, and basically did all the wrong things from what all the books say. Well he insisted we separate and we did around the first of September. Have had some contact, spoke a bit, and he just keeps saying he is done and does not want to try.

I admit to not being the best wife, not affectionate enough and too critical. I have worked on myself since he left and have been trying to obtain full time emplyment...not so easy after staying home with the kids while supporting him so he could build his career, lost 60 pounds, and just trying to be a better all around better person. I have realized that I was living with my eyes closed and pushed away the most important thing in my life. Well a couple of weeks ago on my birthday I received an anonymous letter from someone stating he has been having an affair for the last 6 months and it is still going on. He denies the allegations. I sit here and wonder if it is even possible he is being honest...I feel that deep down I really do believe him but it is hard with all the pulling away and don't love you anymore talk. I want more than anything to get to know each other again and he does not want to...I know that the people around me who know the story do not believe him. Do I just give up? What course of action should I take? He refuses counseling, does not want to talk face to face, and is basically just running away. I have tried to give him space and time and he just drifts further and further away. I know I will be ok and can go on...but I love him so much. He says I just killed it bit by bit...can something like this ever be saved or am I just a fool and need to move on?

Oh, he is still sending us his checks and supporting us financially so he is not a loser in that area what so ever.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Im sorry you have had a tough time , I think what you need to do now is to work on your self esstem , look after your self continue with your weight loss, get your hair cut, join a gym do it for you no one else !
your husband has choose his path , you can not make someone love you , you can hang in there and hope but id move on with your life and your childrens . good luck


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Thanks humpty....I am working on the self esteem thing. I have worked out and eaten healthier since July thus all the weight loss. I have a couple of close friends but it is just hard. How do you let go of your best friend? We used to share everything...probably more than most people would say is good :scratchhead:

I am having trouble with how to handle the fact that he is pulling away from not only me but his children. Did not call, come by, or give his son a gift on Christmas. I made his son call him because he was so upset that his dad was not there. Do you push your kids towards their relationship with their dad? It is hard to keep pushing my son towards his dad and encouraging him to talk to him when all he sees is his father avoiding what is going on...I look at him and wonder what happened to the man I married that was a good father and great husband. He refuses to take any responsibility for shutting down and never giving me some sort of sign that he was so unhappy. Over the years he would say all he wanted was more affection, but he would pout and mope with it. Such a turn off...so the vicious circle continued.

He has admitted to a EA but says he has never touched her, a coworker.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If he admitted to an EA and is not interested in trying to work on your marriage, I think your best bet at this point is to move on with your life. Keep it up with working on yourself...awesome on the weight loss!!

I'm glad he is being supportive financially, but you both need to sit down and discuss visitation. This will have a huge impact on your son. He should not have to initiate contact with his dad...his dad needs to know that your son is most likely having a difficult time and feeling abandoned by him and he needs to step up on seeing him...you & his dad should work out a schedule between you. Your son will be dealing with enough changes with dad being gone...dad should at least ensure his son knows he loves him and wants to spend time with him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Based on the suddenness of his leaving the affair is possible. Since the letter was anonymous it was likely written by a co-worker. His contact with TOW might have started rumors. If they are engaged in a PA will be hard to tell. I would suspect his refusal to talk to you face to face and not be in contact with his children is driven by guilt. HD is right, you cannot make some one fall in love with you, you can only foster the environment for that to happen. Since he will not get into physical contact with you reconciliation is unlikely, I’m sorry. Continue to focus on yourself and son. Seek legal council in your rights. Many attorneys will give a cursory session to explain them to you. If you know some one recently divorced, and who doesn’t, talk to them to help understand the process. Then make your decision the direction you’d like to take. This will be difficult but you’ll feel so much better when you have a sense of control in the situation. Good luck.


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Thanks Swedish! We have spoken about visitation the only problem is his son does not to go with him and dad is not one to look at son and say he I'm your dad so what I say goes. Says he is uncomfortable at his apartment. He is upset for hours before leaving and then when he gets there he is ok around his dad. Son has told me on numerous occasions that he is not comfortable being honest w/his dad. Dad thinks I am making up the fact that his son is suffering and upset or that I am causing the upset. Told kiddo point blank last night that he is to step up and be honest with his father as his father is beginning to think I am a crazy woman. I try to encourage the kids' relationship with their father, but he pulled away from them as well as me an docntinues to do so. Sometimes I just wish I could be the one that got to walk away from the responsibilities. You know bills, pets, kids, house, etc ~ pisses me off sometimes!!


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Amplexor,

I have not gone to a lawyer as he has stated we would work out the financials between us and have the lawyer write it up. He is actually willing to give more than is legal....or at least that is what he said in the beginning. I am trying to figure out if I should continue to trust this or if I am an idiot! I have handled our finances for the last 19 years so I am pretty aware of our assest/debts. At this time he is living off his bonus money and giving us his regular paychecks. He says he can maintain this until June. Hopefully I will find a job soon or we have to put the house on the market and move into an apartment which will really not be good for our son...but I gotta do what I gotta do!

Also there were rumors at work, in fact she lost her phone because or all the calls between the two of them. Found this out after receiving the letter...not something he just came and told me or anything. 

It is crazy because he had agreed to us not seeing other people during the seperation. I gave him the choice did not force it on him...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Since your husband has walked out on you and his son, I would not trust him to do the moral things here. See a lawyer just so you understand your rights and reduce your risk of being taken advantage of. His lawyer is working for his interests, not yours.


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Neither of us have a lawyer...as far as I know. In addition he does have the added point of having a wreck with our son in the car and receiving a DWI (out on bail for felony charges not filed yet - been 2 months since wreck). His company is currently bailing him out on that - paying all charges incurred for the charges. My fear is that they have hired a divorce lawyer as well....but he says no they have not. He will not fight me on custody, I am quite sure he does want the responsibility that has always been my area in the family as well. The reason I hesitate is if I get a lawyer when we have both promised not too I could be shooting myself in the foot as I would receive less legally than I would if we work it out between us. I do know the basic state laws here and it does not work in the favor of a stay at home mom...in addition that would be more $$ out the window spent on lawyers and neither of us wants to make them rich!

Anyway I know it is a big chance but it just seems that if I go to one it will escalate and I would not end up any better off. I can not think of one reasonn it would better for me to file the divorce. As he brough this on, I will let him do it. The worse he could do is freeze our accounts at this point and since he is giving me more money than would be required by law to put into the accounts and I am still paying all our obligations seems if he wanted to go that route he would have already done so...

Once again hopefully I am not a blind fool!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would definitely recommend separate lawyers. Let him file and draw things up if it gets to that point, but Amp is right--the attorney will represent his best interests, not yours and although agreements can be somewhat 'standard' they can and will be worded in his favor by his attorney even if the general agreement seems fair.

My ex and I used a mediator to discuss the division of assets, visitation, etc. and she gave us each a business card for a cheap attorney to represent us separately. Since we agreed on everything beforehand, our attorneys basically reviewed and suggested minor changes in wording. This worked well for us.


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Swedish,

That is more what we had agreed to...a mediator type situation. I would definitely get a lawyer for myself if he shows up with one. Just do not want him on the defensive as I end up better outside of my states "law"


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have been divorced for 10 years now and my ex has been very lax regarding visitation (i guess i can watch them this weekend if you need me to, etc.) I was pretty direct in that they are your children and it's important for them to have a relationship with you (he remarried 2 months after we divorced and has a stepson and daughter with his wife) I think he feared me doing something legally (although I never said anything along those lines) and he did start seeing them regularly.

I have the same issue now...my eldest is 18 and now living with my ex going to college and the younger 2 are 15 & 13 and resist going every weekend. I basically told them he's their dad and it's important they see him too. Once they are there, they are fine, but as teens their social schedules and being in their own room here are higher on their priority list. 

We have done a lot of compromising to make things as easy for the kids as possible. My daughter's basketball and softball games are often Friday evening or Sat morning and I gave my ex her schedules and asked if he would watch some games and then take the kids afterward...as far as my daughter goes, the more in the stands rooting for her the better, so the kids know we do care about what's important to them.


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Thank you all for your replies! It has made me feel not so alone. I went out for NYE last night with a friend (my support during all of this - she made all the arrangements and drug me out) and it was the best New Year's Eve I can remember. We rode the rail and went to a big party downtown. After midnight during a concert this guy was flirting with me and I just turned around and kissed him...just a quick kiss but it was like I was taking back my power as a sexy woman. I had not thought about or touched another man in over 20 years and just had to jump in to go forward. I think I am truly letting go of this relationship. It is not what I want but I can really see wonderful things happening within me. I am upset about the way he deceived me and ran from us and our children but in doing what he has done I am becoming a better person. I see myself living more in the moment, my relationships with my children are growing (while his dwindles - very sad to watch), getting stronger every day mentally and physically. I do wish he would take the time to see the real me coming back out but he refuses to look. That is ok though I see other men looking at me and know that I am turning back into the woman I once was just stronger and wiser. I know I was depressed over the last few years. Unhappy with my appearance and overall health. Since losing all the weight my back and knees have stopped hurting as an added bonus. 

I really am starting to look forward to a wonderful 2009!:smthumbup:


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## broken regrets (Dec 31, 2008)

Well last night when he came to pick up his son I told him to go ahead a write down what he thought the split for the divorce should be. Also told him to always remember I was willing to try anything for this relationship and he is the one that has refused. He took the easy way out when he turned to another woman. It would have taken balls to actually come and talk to me, but he chose another path. He wanted me to file for the divorce, write up what the splits should be, etc...I told him I did not want the divorce so why would I do all the work to get it rolling. His choice he can handle it. I have handled all legal matters for him over our relationship...custody changes, child support, ex wife, tickets, licensing, bills, loans, budgets, etc. Do need to mention to him that I just meant filing with the court and writing on a piece of paper....not obtaining a lawyer.

We have a large house which I can not afford or maintain on my own so we am losing the house. Told him that he needs to come and help sort through stuff as it was cruel to ask me to sort out our almost 20 year relationship alone as I do not know what he will want to keep. We have obtained lots of things, and really since I am downscaling in such a large way most of it will have to be sold or given to friends/family as I will not have room for it nor will he until a later date if ever. A very depressing task to have to get rid of all the things you have obtained over a lifetime with someone. Also told him I want to take night courses and obtain a degree since I have no real career right now and have hit a wall as far as moving upward in my career (which was put on hold to raise our son, my step daughter, and support him in his career and education-I was supposed to concentrate on mine when my son graduated in about 4 1/2 years). Well now I get to miss the final days of my sons journey in his youth because I have to get my education in order as quickly as possible. I really hate it as the one thing I did not want for my children is to be latch key children - especially as they get older. I was one and MAN can you get into some trouble before anyone even notices things are amiss. Also asked husband what he can do to help w/son as I am going to school - what is he willing to do to step up so our child is not home every night alone. 

Also mentioned that he will have to help me figure out what to do with our pets as I can not take them both to an apartment as it will already be a big enough shock for me & my kiddo to have to move out of our neighborhood and away from friends.

Maybe he will start dealing with the **** storm he has left behind...but I doubt it he will leave it for me to handle as he always has


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