# Why can't my husband wait?



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

I work and my husband is retired. My job is not one that has a regular schedule. I can get called into a random meeting or not always able to pick up my phone or talk to my husband when he wants. Lately he is driving me crazy because if I can't grab my phone when he calls or if I tell him I will call you back because I am in a meeting he goes crazy. He starts asking a whole bunch of questions, wants me to Facetime him, starts calling a zillion times. Hello? Didn't I say that I will call you back. Then he has all these questions about things I know he won't understand because it's MY JOB. Who does that? Just wait. It's like he expects the world to drop everything because he needs to talk. 

No it's not an emergency, he just can't stand to be 'ignored'. WTF? Then if I happen to walk away from my phone to go to the bathroom, get coffee or whatever and he calls or texts me.....I get "I tried to call you" and several calls. Hello...I AM AT WORK. Just because you sitting at home retired and probably available 100% of the time.....I'm not.

So today we end up in a huge argument while I am at work because this random meeting showed up in my area at work. No i was not invited but there were like 20 people around me so I had no privacy to keep texting him. I texted him a few things and then said I'll have to call you. Well he responds with "You can't Facetime or step out". Well by then I had put my phone away. When the meeting was over I see that he had called 5 times, facetimed 3 and texted me. Are you kidding me? So his argument to me is "Why didn't I tell him I was going to put my phone away".

Can I get some thoughts? Is it me? How do I resolve his issues of thinking people are ignoring him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah, he's being a basket case. Unless you came home with a hockey team and did antics with them in the living room, I cannot think of a single reason his obsession would make any sense. 

I would figure out what my boundaries are and decide what your response will be when he crosses them.

That would drive me crazy.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

He is bored now that he is retired and his idle mind is running wild.

You need to sit with him and calmly explain that you are still working and do not have the time to talk on the phone (all of the time). Ask him how it was when he was working, times have not changed that much. He should be able to understand that work time is for working. You can and will get back to him when you have a moment, but please stop blowing up your phone. Worst case, only look at your personal phone a couple of times a day.

If he has idle time, he needs to consider looking for a something to fill that time he now has available. Get him back into his old hobbies, find a part time job, give him a honey-do list a mile long, enroll in an interesting course at the community college, mentor someone, volunteer, anything to help him ease into the retired world.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Thank you C3156! Those were my thoughts exactly. I think he has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much time on his hands and his mind goes crazy. He's living in a bubble and has become a little self-centered. I've told him a few of the things you said but it's funny he's fine about it until it actually happens and all that goes out the door.

I will try and have a discussion again with him about it because it's just crazy and i will not be stressed out at work over foolishness!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

His behaviour would drive me bonkers. It's nice that he likes being in contact with you, but he needs to understand that when you're at work, you need to be present there. If you continue on the route you are, a higher up may take notice, and fire you. Then what?

If it were me, I would sit down with my husband, and have a calm talk about boundaries. It's probably fine to text during the day (I know a lot of people who do this, myself included), but not to be attached to a cell phone. For my own job, I know that I have space to text a little, but I don't take calls at work unless they're emergencies or doctors/vets. I've never face timed, and would never do that at work; I would probably lose my job.

Has he thought about taking up a hobby, joining a club or group, maybe joining your local library and picking up a few books. Does he have friends who are also retired? What about joining a sports team of some sort?


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

URSULA: I can't agree more with you. Thank you. Yes I need to remind him of the boundaries. I think he just got very spoiled with always being able to reach me. I mean most of the time I can get the phone, text him, Facetime, etc. But when I can't it's like he can't take it. I think ultimately my husband has a real issue with NOT KNOWING. For some reason when he can't know something, his anxiety rises and his mind starts drawing up whole scenarios. Instead of sitting still and just waiting for me to get back, he starts dialing like crazy.

We have talked about this before but I see I will have to have this talk again.

He plays Golf but he doesn't play every day. He doesn't have a lot of hobbies so most of the time he is home with nothing but time on his hand watching TV and on Facebook and maybe a few errands. He still looks for a job because retirement was just an option because a job wasn't coming through and he needed some type of income. (he is 63). I really hope he just finds a job because this is really getting old.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Did you cheat on him? Was he cheated on in the past? 

His need to know what you are doing only makes sense if he has reason to not trust.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This is a man who needs a boat.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> This is a man who needs a boat.


Has your husband always been like this?? How old is he?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My guess is that he thinks you may be cheating on him as that is typical behavior of someone cheating. I know because I was cheated on twice and all sorts of excuses were used to keep from proving they were where they said they were. Perhaps he just needs reassurance that you are where you say you are and quite frankly, a quick FaceTime for 15 seconds will show him that you are at work and not in someone's bed. I understand his concern having been duped by two women who said that they loved me. Work is a great way to cover up cheating. I saw it myself and know others whose spouses, male and female, used work as a cover for cheating. This is my guess and in my world, my spouse comes first, meeting or no meeting. I have left meetings to talk to my wife. If she wants to FaceTime me, I will FaceTime her so she can see that I am in my office. I should say used to since I am retired now. 

It can also just be him feeling that you are giving your job more priority then you give him. Early on in our marriage my wife felt that and she was right. I did put my job before her and our marriage. When I realized it I changed jobs that did not require me to travel so much or work late almost every night. My wife has always been able to track me with my iPhone and I always take her calls and texts. I know what is more important in my life.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I will probably get hammered for this, but if you are not cheating do not cave in to his ridiculous paranoia. I don't care if 5 people cheated on him and 5 previous relationships. You do not need to be punished for other people's behavior. He is being ridiculous, and he needs to knock it off.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its completely unreasonable to expect that someone who is working is always available to take personal calls. OP, I think you need to be very clear that his expectations are not reasonable - you have a job , one that I assume you would like to keep.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Is his retirement recent? If it was sort of forced, as you describe, he may be feeling useless. Others have had good ideas how to fill his time.

(Perhaps your office might institute a new phone policy for certain people because phone calls have increased to unmanageable levels. grin) 

He has to realize his behavior is out of control. Ask him what he can substitute to reassure himself. Maybe he has to finish specific tasks before he can consider calling. Give him a phone allowance. After a certain number (your boundary), he has to wait until after work.

Do not feel guilty for your frustration at his unnecessary behavior. After all, you could be worrying that he is going to cheat with all this extra time on his hands.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I didn't know six-year olds could retire.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

My wife teleworks from home 2 days a week and even when she is here I do not expect to have a lot access to her ear. 

He needs a hobby and reassurance that he is so much more to you than just the paycheck he received.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> This is a man who needs a boat.


 A wooden boat. 
Although she may never get him out of the boatshed then.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just say that you don't want him to contact you while you are at work. Many couples don't have contact all day at work. He sound paranoid and needs to find things to get busy with during the day.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My husband is not suspicious or paranoid, but I had to help him understand how different my job is from his. He is on the road a lot during A-day so he can talk on the phone. I work in an office, but my work is very focused with lots of deadlines, and in one of my office's I have to office mates. I cannot ChatOn the phone. Plus, when I am in the zone it takes me a while to down shift to a phone call and up shift back into work mode lol. So we talk for 5 to 10 minutes while I am eating lunch, usually at my desk, and that's it until IM


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

I agree that you need to set firm boundaries with your husband, OP, no matter what the root of this is. 

He has embarked upon a new phase of life, and I wonder if he's feeling insecure. Not necessarily that you're cheating (though I suppose that could be his concern), but perhaps insecure in his own role in your relationship. Many men find their identity in their work. And now he's not working. Perhaps he's feeling insecure as a man, knowing his wife is still working and supporting the family while he stays home all day twiddling his thumbs (I'm not saying he's not still pulling his weight in the financial support department, but perhaps he FEELS that way because his time no longer belongs to someone else.)

It may help to reassure your husband that you still love him, admire him and value him as your support system even though he is no longer working.

Of course, it may not be an insecurity issue at all and is instead just a man feeling entitled to all of your time and attention. In which case I say he needs to grow up. I know I personally hate having to be at a grown man's beck and call, as if you have nothing better to do. It sounds like you might need to have that conversation.

Euther way, I definitely agree that firm boundaries need to be set and enforced


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, her husband probably isn't concerned about her cheating.

He is concerned that she is having a good time without him.

He needs a voluntary job.

My wife can be the same. It's a real pain. Or it can be.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't understand people who do this, constantly calling someone while they're at work. I'm a SAHM and if I ring my husband while he's at work he always picks up, because he knows that I only ever ring if it's really important. I can't remember the last time I rang him during the work day. I text him, and he replies when he can but I don't get all uppity over it if he's busy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife got snippy with me one day when I was actually working in my company HQ for some meetings.

I said: "I have to work in order for us to have money! I don't do this for the fun of it!"

Which, strictly speaking, isn't true as I do have a lot of fun as my company is run like a mini Google.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MZMEE said:


> Lately he is driving me crazy because if I can't grab my phone when he calls or if I tell him I will call you back because I am in a meeting he goes crazy. He starts asking a whole bunch of questions, wants me to Facetime him, starts calling a zillion times. Hello? Didn't I say that I will call you back. Then he has all these questions about things I know he won't understand because it's MY JOB. Who does that? Just wait. It's like he expects the world to drop everything because he needs to talk.


Throw tomatoes at me if you need to, but I can't help but wonder about his cognitive ability. 
And/or anything related to mental health concerns?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Since he's got all the time in the world to do *nothing* and he's now the at-home partner, he should be doing all the domestic chores. There's no reason on earth you should be working full time then having to come home to a 2nd job of cleaning, cooking, laundry and everything else while he just spent the last 8 hours haunting you at work via text and phone, and watching reruns of some insipid sitcom.

Make him useful.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Hmmm... why the assumption that he's jealous or thinks you may cheat? 

I'm 70yo and retired ... I agree his behavior is inappropriate and annoying .... but I also can sympathize with your husband. If his behavior is annoying/disruptive then he needs IC. 

I'm not a psychologist and may not use the correct adjectives to describe my feelings. On and off after I retired I felt a sense of loss and often felt invisible (like I no longer mattered or was being ignored) - and it wasn't something that I was fully aware of until over months & months it got to a point where other people noticed my behavior/reaction/comments. 

The sense of loss and/or being ignored slowly accumulated and could be triggered in a restaurant, department store, or waiting in line at the Post Office, walking the dog or just walking through the mall. At some point I realized on my own (and also talking with my wife) that I was getting upset over nothing (just ordinary social/business activities). Once I became aware of being overly sensitive I was able to tone it down and be happy.

From reading up on the subject and many discussions with other retired folks (and even my doctor) my experience is not uncommon.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Please don’t take personally but have you done anything that could get his suspicions up?

Or that he could view in the wrong way?

It sounds like he could have to much time on his hands. 

It also sounds like he may think you are cheating on him. He is trying to see if you are at work or not. With your schedule the way it is, it would be easy for someone in your position to cheat. 

I think something or someone got his hackles up.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

That's weird. My wife almost never calls me a work. She realizes that I'm working. People are paying me money to do a job, not chat with my wife. If she wants something, she sends and e-mail or text and I get to it when I can. If she called me at work, I'd drop anything I was doing immediately because I would assume that it was an emergency.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The immediate problem is his need for constant, immediate contact is messing w/ your job, and that has to be dealt with.

But assuming you retire some day, how do you feel about his demand to always be in contact then? A lot of people accept that, some others don't. If you're one of the latter, you may want to clue him that the job is not the only constraint on immediate availability.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The world seemingly has evolved into the need for immediate results for everything and people thinking they are justified for getting all bent out of shape when they don't get them. 
God forbid you don't reply to the email or text in 2 seconds !!!

40 might be the new 30..but...2 minutes is the new 2 years.


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