# Am I being unreasonable?



## Edinburger (Feb 13, 2016)

This is my first time posting so apologies for the length but I don't know what else to do.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 2 years, we met when we worked together as we're both lawyers. Nowadays we don't work together and but do very different jobs but our similar backgrounds have led to problems. I've never allowed my work to interfere with our life and I always make sure I'm home in time to do my share of the chores and spend time with my wife. 

Since we got married my career has been going well but my wife has found hers slightly more difficult. As a result, in the past, she has admitted to being jealous of my achievements and has openly said she wished I wasn't doing as well. She's got upset when I've talked about work in front of friends and family and she used to show no interest in my work. When we did talk about my work she would very quickly get upset and we'd end up talking about how difficult she found things and the conversation was all about her.

We eventually went to a therapist and my wife decided that we should make more of an effort to talk about our work. This seemed to work for a few weeks but she quickly changed it round so that we most of the time talking about her - how well she was doing at not getting upset and how difficult she found it to be happy for me.

My wife has 3 siblings and they are all very competitive so I think this is how she was raised as she acts in the same way to other people as well. In the past she has reacted badly to her sister getting a new house, someone at work getting flowers for doing their job and because she felt "overshadowed" at our niece's 1st birthday party. 

Today I received some news that was possibly the biggest event of my career so far, and instead of being happy for me she just started talking about how well she thought she'd handled it. We didn't spend any time celebrating my achievement as she couldn't handle the spotlight being on someone else.

When I look back over the last year, every-time I've had some success at work she has very quickly turned the discussion back onto her and we've ended up arguing as I've not felt supported. As a result rather than looking back on my achievements with happiness I associate them with fights and I'm worried about what will happen if I keep progressing at work. 

I've always supported her, in my old job my career wasn't going anywhere and she was earning a lot more than me but I celebrated her success and encouraged her to go for things she wanted. All I want is the same support but I don't think I'm getting it and it's leading to a lot of problems. 

I've tried to explain this to her but she doesn't seem to realize that her need to be the center of attention is a problem, she thinks that simply changing her behavior without tackling the underlying issue will fix everything. Am I being unreasonable in expecting her to provide me with the same level of support I give her? I'm not expecting to be showered with praise but I just want to be able to enjoy my achievements without being made to feel guilty for them. 

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has any suggestions they'd be gratefully received.


----------



## Ponderball (Feb 12, 2016)

Not unreasonable. You build her up and she builds you up. It's a partnership. If you show her you care for her, support her and repect her, then your actions will speak volumes rather then using your words and any argument to sway her think a certain way.


----------



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Hmmmmm.....maybe you could share the achievement in such a way that makes her feel like she played a part in helping you accomplish it. 

"I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you for always supporting me" that kind of thing. Maybe try to get her input about how to do things, then praise her for giving you such great advice. Maybe a little manipulative, but you'd be satisfying her need for the attention and acknowledgement she seems to crave. 

I would hate to have to deal with someone who constantly needs the spotlight. It must be very frustrating. And no, you are not being unreasonable to expect your wife support. You are a team, and when YOU do go, SHE does good. She needs to change her frame of mind, but that is something only she can do.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If she felt "overshadowed" by a one year old at that one year old's own birthday party, then she has some huge personal issues going on that are not going to get better, no matter how you tiptoe around her or tailor the way you interact with her. The core problem will still be there until she decides to do some huge emotional work.

Are you planning on having children? If she is jealous of a niece, she will be jealous of your children.

The only way she will change is if she feels her reactions are damaging her life enough to work on changing.

You are not unreasonable. I wouldn't be able to live this way.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm going to start by saying that I don't think it's smart to discuss work at home. I know it's a little different for you and your wife because you're both in the same career field but it's not a good idea to make it a mainstay of your quality time with your wife. It really should be limited to discussing successes (raises or promotions) or critical failure (you messed up big and might get fired).

I agree with @peaf that when you do bring up work, do it in a way that shows her this was a 'team win' not a 'me win'. It will go a long way to show her that you're not in competition with each other. You're a team in competition with the outside world. US against them.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She has a need to feel special, and you have a need to feel special. Why does she need that validation? Why do you need that validation?

If you look at it that way, it may help you seek a Win/Win approach. For sure, her being open to changing would help, too.

I agree with the others that you may want to consider if long term you will be happy dealing with this. Being married to someone less competitive and more collaborative might be less stressful.

On the children . . . She may not be jealous of her own children. She may actually be super protective of them!

Helping her see her own independent worth outside work would be good. We are all more than our achievements.

And congrats on your career success!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is that your wife is pretty unreasonable. I think to myself that good things that happen to me are things you want to share with your wife. You can't do that. She's so incredibly insecure and self-centered that she can't even see that good things for you are good things for her.
Why don't you just stop telling her?

Why listen to her crazy bs?

Are you starting to doubt whether you want to be married? If so, you need to straighten this out(I'm sure that's what you're doing) because you're in a state of mind that makes an affair more likely.

What CAN you talk to her about?
Maybe focus on works and not what doesn't.

I don't really see counseling really changing people much. Just seems a good way to waste money on someone listening to stuff... If the person wanted to change, they'd just do it. Exactly what would a counselor say to her? Help her understand why she's jealous? Now she's pissed because she's jealous and she's feeling guilty for it and it's all your fault for putting her in counseling.

Stupid question: what are the positive things about your wife? Why do you love her? What do you enjoy doing with her? 
Best sticking with that. Or you can bawl her out every time you mention a story at work and she turns it about her. Probably won't have the effect you want. 😊
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

NPD.

Good luck.
Get into counseling


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My initial response is.. your wife sounds absolutely ridiculous, the woman has got issues... obviously she doesn't look upon your Union as a "team" effort, supporting each other... but looks upon you as a rival. 

Is this what can happen when parents raise their children to WIN at any cost, was she shamed for loosing growing up or something...each stepping stone just another competition in her world ? 

But then...I really like jld's post too.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

jld said:


> She has a need to feel special, and you have a need to feel special. Why does she need that validation? Why do you need that validation?
> 
> If you look at it that way, it may help you seek a Win/Win approach. For sure, her being open to changing would help, too.
> 
> ...


Actually, she will probably set the kids up to be competitive like she is.

IamSomebody


----------



## 85GT-79FJ40 (Feb 13, 2016)

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone with that kind of personality. But if you love her and want to make your marriage work you need to either keep your accomplishments to yourself or figure out a better way to talk about it. My wife and I are in very different fields ( I work in auto parts and she works in custom kitchens) and we don't always understand the frustrations of each other's jobs. But it can make for some interesting conversation explaining it. But of course being a boneheaded man I didn't spend anywhere near enough time with my wife and now our marriage is on the rocks... So take my opinion with a grain of salt.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> *If she felt "overshadowed" by a one year old at that one year old's own birthday party, then she has some huge personal issues going on that are not going to get better, no matter how you tiptoe around her or tailor the way you interact with her. The core problem will still be there until she decides to do some huge emotional work.*
> 
> Are you planning on having children? If she is jealous of a niece, she will be jealous of your children.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Being ridiculously jealous of a one year-old baby is not a foible or a quirk, IMO.

It has the potential to develop into a real problem.

I'd suggest an appointment with a psychiatrist, rather than a psychologist. Seriously.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Any adult that felt overshadowed by a ONE YEAR OLD CHILD, for ANY reason has serious issues.

I'm sorry but that's f'd up.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Any adult that felt overshadowed by a ONE YEAR OLD CHILD, for ANY reason has serious issues.
> 
> I'm sorry but that's f'd up.


Yup. Give her a good spanking.

She has a messed up view of her self worth.

Very messed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Telling a lie that she helped you acheive your success just feeds into her selfish behavior. That encourages her to continue being selfish.

Be honest with her. Say you want a mature wife who can be happy for you, isn't so competitive, and doesn't get jealous of a 1 year old. Tell her you are scared to share your good news with her and aren't going to share it anymore. Celebrate with your family and friends, take yourself out. If she turns the convo back on her say calmly, excuse me we are talking about me right now and then we can talk about you. 

If she blows up on you then tell her this isnt the marriage you want. You want a supportive wife and if she can't be that you will move on. Or you will have to just accept it and hope she changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

In law school and even in the field after, I noticed that several colleagues were extremely competitive and only lived for the "thrill of the kill". Winning was the only rewarding factor for these people that gave them any comfort or even self worth. Your wife needs to realize that any achievement by "you" is also a win for her. You both are a team and she needs to recognize that. Prayers to you.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

DoneWithHurting said:


> NPD.
> 
> Good luck.
> Get into counseling


Agreed.

Your wife is exhibiting _classic _signs of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Vega said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Your wife is exhibiting _classic _signs of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)


I third this, NPD all the way, unfortunately therapy doesn't go a long way with these types, you'll end up changing therapists because they have offended her, until you get one that sides with her, and then they'll both turn on you.

I'd seriously reconsider this relationship before you have children

Good luck

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


----------

