# Family wants us to raise our nephew



## Oklahoma

My husband`s brother and his wife got arrested for drugs, and their kids are being taken away. They have been married for a year and she has two children 3 and 1 year old and he has 7 year old son from the previous marriage. Her children are going to go to their paternal grandma and right now what needs to be decide is who his son, our nephew, is going to live with. 
My husband`s family is pushing for us to take him, but I don`t really want to because I do not want to raise someone else`s child. The only way I would agree to do something like this is if biological parents were completely out of the picture and did not disturb our family with their unwanted visits. Our nephew`s mom is known to drop here and there ( basically whenever she feels like "playing mommy" ) and take him for couple days, a week or a month during summer. I really think this is not OK. If one wants to be a Mother - then be a Mother All The Time, not just when you feel like it. And she would not give up her parental rights. So here we are, family really wants us to take my nephew and raise him, but at the same time without us truly being his parents and having the deciding vote on who he gets to spend his time with like a parent would. How do I tell them to back off from my family in a nice way so it does not destroy our relationship ?


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## LoveAtDaisys

I was in the same exact position you are in when I first got married. My husband's sister lost custody of her children and my husband's family was pushing for us to adopt her daughter. My husband loved this little girl, and was all over the idea. I ended up putting my foot down and telling my husband that we couldn't, and it did cause a rift between me and his family (his mother, specifically, although it's gotten better). Heck, it caused a rift between myself and my husband for a while; hopefully you and your spouse are on the same page so you won't have to go through that heartache.

I just said no. When asked, I politely explained my situation (for us, it was that we were newlyweds and living overseas). If they press, "I'm sorry, no, we can't". If they continue to press, leave.


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## Oklahoma

Thank you for telling me about your experience with it LoveAtDaisys, I really appreciate hearing that someone else felt the same way, because my husband`s family makes me feel like I am a heartless person for not wanting to raise my brother-in-law`s child. Do you mind me asking what happened in the end with the little girl, did someone in family took her in or the state`s child services?


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## Oklahoma

Mavash, I hear you and totally get it. You perfectly described my brother-in-law and his wife` s parenting style, if I can even call it such. Kids are very resilient, but it still breaks my heart to see people like them having children and tossing them around like toys, having them jump from one house to the next while they "fix" their lives.


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## mablenc

Whatever you choose to do will have a life altering impact, regardless of what you do. Maybe you could benefit from a social worker coming in and talking to all adults involved they maybe can come up with a short term and long term arraignment that benefits the children and doesn't burden the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad

I'm not faulting or guilt-tripping anybody, please believe me, but I'd take the kid. We already have a bunch, so what's one more. Kids deserve every chance for a happy, normal life.


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## Oklahoma

I was thinking deeply about it, and came to the conclusion that my husband`s mom or his grandma should take the child. They are both still young, married and financially stable. His mom is already raising one, our nephew`s younger brother and those are HER son`s children she has always been enabling him by giving him money, paying his bills so he learned not having to be responsible. My husband`s grandma keeps talking to me how we would be a perfect family for our nephew and since we wanted more kids anyway ( I want more of my own, biological children though, because I can ) . Grandparents want to enjoy their retirement stress free but don`t mind adding stress to my family. Its just not fair !!!


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## Unique Username

Ya know life isn't fair.

Poor children...they didn't choose to be born, let alone deal with parents addictions, criminal activity and incarceration.

YOU have the right to feel how you do. It IS a huge burden to take on this child, he will need counseling and lots of attention, love etc. 
It WILL be disruptive to your current life for sure. 



YEAH you have valid concerns. I suspect that Grandma ALREADY knows what a burden it is - she's ALREADY caring for his brother so she's at least TRYING to see if you all will take him. BUT seems the best possible solution is for the BROTHERS to stay together with Grandma. They need each other since the rest of their immediate family is majorly flucked up. They both need counseling. I would always bring this point up - boys have a better chance of making it and turning out ok if they stay together. And offer to help SOMETIMES do things with both boys..never commit to more than you can follow through with. 

Explain all your concerns with your husband...be honest with each other...and then become a united front. Offer to help do things with the boys so Grandma can have a break, but they need to live TOGETHER and she is young enough and financially secure enough to care for them both. (Yeah it sucks that she SHOULD be enjoying life and grandkids and not raising them...but oh well that ain't happening already so this isn't a NEW situation for her it's just adding a sibling.) 

Have all the legitimate feelings and intuitions you do....but I would always express your decision in a way that shows the BEST solution for your nephews. He needs to be with his Brother, She has the financial resources, she has the time (she's retired) etc. And then offer to help do things with the boys to help give her a break yadda yadda.


Better to be honest than to say yes and your resentment shows through to your nephew, and the strain on your marriage would be horrific.


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## Unique Username

Don't be too hard on Great Grandma (your H grandma) she is just trying to keep the great grandkids in the Family. She is probably too old and not financially secure enough to be able to care for him and is trying to find a fix.


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## SunnyT

What does your husband want? 

I think I'd want to do whatever I could FOR THE KID.... regardless if it is an inconvenience to me. He's going to need alot of love and support to get past these crazy parents.

ETA: I think H's family also is not wrong in trying to convince you. They gotta try!


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## turnera

My best friend adopted her sister's son, who she had while in prison. I can't imagine turning that poor child away; he's going to have a hard enough life as it is. Just tell everyone that if you can get legal title to him (whatever it's called), you'll do it.


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## Starstarfish

Why are they separating the siblings?


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## EleGirl

I agree that keeping the siblings together would be the best route in most cases.

Perhaps grandma could have both boys. Then you and your husband could be very involved aunt & uncle and help grandma out.

In a case like this, where bio mom have little interest in raising the children you might get a judge to remove parental rights from her and let you adopt the boy. That's if you are interested in getting rid of what you state to be your biggest objection.


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## EnjoliWoman

I agree with Elegirl... 

I personally would say agree to take the children on the condition that parental rights are removed and ask to be appointed legal guardian or the official legal foster parents.


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## northernlights

I would raise the child too, especially as you already want another.


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## reesespieces

I think this is such a hard situation. Either way, it looks like the child will be the one who loses out the most and will suffer in the end. I say that for a couple reasons.

If the OP takes in the nephew and they experience what another user posted about, the child will feel the rejection and loss of a family even more than they would without one. The rejection hits children really hard. Imagine being taken in, and then a while later being "returned." No child should have to go through that.

Then again, if the grandma doesn't take the nephew (and I don't see why not) and no one else will, he will end up in the foster care system, which is already wrought with its own issues. If he stays in the foster care system, he'll grow up knowing that his own blood rejected him anyway. 

Honestly, this is why some people just shouldn't have kids. Drug dealing? Seriously? If someone's going to be into drugs or anything like that, they shouldn't have kids.


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## mace17

We were in a situation like this once, my husband's oldest daughter had her 3 girls taken away because of drugs and weapons in the house. The oldest and youngest ones went with her mom and the dad's mom respectively, and we ended up taking the middle one. She was the same age as our son (both were 3), and they were pretty close so I thought it would work out. I lasted for 6 months, dealing with issues caused by her abuse, taking her to counseling appointments, and struggling with visitation with her biological parents. Finally I realized that having her with us was affecting our son negatively (besides her needing constant attention, she was attempting to teach him sexual things). I called social services and said we just can't do this anymore. They found the most amazing foster family for her, and she has thrived and been happy there. They are adopting her, and it will be final this month. I am so glad things worked out the way they did, these people can give her way more than we ever could, and she is very happy there. So sometimes saying no if you just can't do it is better than being stuck in a situation that you resent.


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## Leveret

You know what? This is another of these no-win situations. No, you did not do this, you did not ask for it and it is being asked of you. It is your H's and your decision and you have 50% of the say in this. You both have to come to a consensus before anything is done. Either of you could end up resenting the other for either your yes or no answer if you don't discuss this to the fullest and agree in the end.

So ask him to make a list (and you do the same) of the pros and cons of doing this for the family. Take into account money, time, best interests of everyone involved, space, your feelings and how you think this might impact your marriage. You should both sit down together after your lists are made and talk about what you both put down.

You can start a calm discussion on the matter this way that gets out real feelings on the matter on both sides and come to the decision rationally and as a team.


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## aeasty

I would tell the whole family I am willing to do it as long as she gave up parental rights and you got guardianship otherwise someone else can do it. I have a brother who is very similar to what you described my eldest brother and I actually offered them money for the right but they wouldn't take it. I Feel sorry for the nephew sometimes I wish there was a test before you could become a parent.


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