# Wife is starting to try too hard



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Each week, since I was caught in my EA, my wife has been trying to change in order to be a "better wife" as she says. I'm not asking her to change, nor am I pointing out any faults. She is doing all of that.

This past week, she realized that I do much of the grocery shopping and cooking. And that's fine, because I don't mind cooking. She doesn't enjoy cooking, and isn't that great of a cook as a result. Many things in life are like that.

Well, while we were eating a meal that I cooked at the dinner table, she asked me if I had wished that she would cook more often. I said that at times I do, but when neither of us feel like it we end up going out. I'm also glad that she doesn't cook that much because sometimes what she cooks is not very good (sorry, just being honest). 

Then, this past weekend we were together doing an activity. I was getting frustrated that things were going as hoped (not with anything she was doing), and showed my frustration by not being in a happy mood. When we got home, she started to cry and tell me that she's trying to make me happy, and can't even do that. And that she doesn't cook enough too. 

I need her to be herself, and I told her this. The effect it's having is starting to push me away as I try to come out of this fog. 

Should I tell her this, or let her go through this phase?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

By all means tell her this...but she may take this as you making excuses to go back to your OW. I've read a few of your posts and I question whether or not you are really interested in staying in your marriage...But that's just my opinion, from the outside looking in, of course.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Give her a little time. As the person in your wife's position I can tell you it's incredibly stressful to worry constantly about keeping your husband happy, because we saw what happened when he wasn't, and we just can't face that again. My best advice to you is to tell her over and over that you're sorry, that you have no interest in doing anything like that again. Reassure her, and little by little she'll believe and think about it less and relax more.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Talk to her and be patient and understanding. Your actions caused this. I bet you would be insecure, too, if your wife cheated. You have to do theheavy lifting. People who decide to stay with their cheater need a lot of reassurance, IMO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let her know you feel she is trying too hard and you want her to be herself. 

Voice how you feel. Understand that her entire world just got flipped upside down. She is undoubtedly thinking that something is wrong WITH HER for you to cheat (A lot of betrayed spuoses feel this way). She's wondering what she did wrong or waht could she have done better in order for you not to have cheated on her with another woman. So now she is trying to fix that in order to make sure you are satisfied. Give her a lil empathy. It goes a long way. She is broken right now.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Well, I see that 1. She's scared to death of losing you. and 2. She isn't getting her need of feeling certain met. She needs to feel certain that you are there for her in every way as her husband, friend, and lover. That isn't happening and she blames herself for that and feels like a huge loser. 

Instead of telling her about her and what she needs to do/not do, why don't you adjust your own behavior? Give her some added assurance to the point that you can see she is starting to relax and trust that you are going to stand by her and not run off to OW.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Apparently, you have not convinced her that you are committed to the relationship 100%. Your posts seem to indicate that you are irritated or aggravated with your wife. She is entitled to every one of the emotions that she is going through. If you are truly committed to your wife, do what you need to do or what she needs for you to do to put her at ease.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I continue to tell her to be herself, and that what happened is solely 100% my fault. I also tell her to be herself, and that if she tried to change it will be for false reason. Of course, there are a few things that we did talk about with regards to our marriage that I don't care for, but those are very small things and they did not cause me to have the EA.

I know she is scared of losing me. And since I'm still in a fog, I know I can't assure her any level of certainty despite my desire to do so. 

I have adjusted my behavior the best I can. The EA consumed much of each day in the past. Now there is a huge void, and I'm trying to fill that void with things of value and meaning. Yes, it does impact my mood at times since I'm still in a fog. At least I admit it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you can't assure her that you are willing to stay or not, then you need to tell her that instead of gaslighting her into thinking that's what you want. 

Are you guys doing MC?

Who was the OW? Have you had any contact w/ her since? How do you know her? Is she married? Did you reveal her identity to your wife? How did you hook up with OW?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm trying my best to assure her what my intentions are. I admit that I'm not at 100%. I still don't understand myself enough to answer that question without a shred doubt of myself and my future. But I am going to IC to learn what I need to do to myself to get to 100%. I have told my wife this, and that I want all doubts to go away. I'm also having personal issues in dealing with the fact that I cheated, and may not deserve her love. She knows this as well. 

The OW was someone I knew of decades ago, not even a friend at that time or someone I ever talked to in the past. I was shy and living with the stigma of being labeled due to a personal issue. I had no contact until FB this year. I have not have any contact since the day I was caught. She is not married (divorced a long time). My wife knows who she is. 

I'm seeking advice on how to help her while I help myself at the same time. I'm afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing, she'll try even harder to change, or she'll pull the divorce trigger on me before I can fix myself.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Wait...if you're saying you're still in a fog...then you're not in a fog.

Isn't one of the main fog requirements denial?

She's killing herself trying to make you happy after you cheated and that's pushing you away? Did I wake up in upside down world?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm talking about the "unsure, unclear" part of being in a fog. Perhaps it's more smog than fog.


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## UpperSideOfDown (Oct 27, 2011)

HerToo,

I can't tell you what to do but since I just went through this situation with my husband but I can tell you what I would have wished for during the worst time. 

I understand that you are in a very bad shape right now. But your wifes situation is worse because for her everything is beyond control and depends on you. This creates a lot of anxiety. 
Believe me... I always thought I could stomach a lot. But this feeling is so overwhelming, it just blows you away and makes you do things you actually don't want to do. This feeling even dwarfed the affair itself for a while... there really was a time when I thought I could handle the affair... 

But this will change as soon as the shock periode is over. Then the anger period is coming and this might be your chance to fight for her. As I understand from your previous posts that's what you are missing right now. So... when her anger is coming you better be out of the fog... you want to have a clear head then 
Because then she will remember a lot of things that happened. Also a lot of things she did and said and might feel humiliated about that. No way to say what comes out of that. The best thing you can do... don't let that happen. Be there for her and save the situation when she isn't able to. 

What I would have wished for during the darkest fog was:
- Open communication. When you feel bad then don't just be moody but tell her what is it what makes you feeling bad. Most of the time it's not about her... so let her know. It makes her feel better. If it is about her then better just tell her you need an hour or so for yourself and go for a walk or a run. 
- Honesty about what's going on but not merciless honesty. Details about what was better on the OW are totally needless. Please remember... your wife is not your best buddy and doesn't share your enthusiasm about the EA. It only hurts her. Deep.
- Think about what you really like about your wife and tell her every day. This boosts her self assurance and it will show in her behavior. Bear it also in your own mind. Go back and think what made you love and marry her. Look up old pics, letters, mails, etc and try to get back what attracted you. 
- Hug and touch her as often and as long as you can, hold her tight. 
- If there is any behavior you can't take... let her know. I don't think she is able to see it by herself. Explain it in a nice way. Challenge her... tell her you want to see the proud and strong women again.
- Let her know that you understand where she is going through and how afraid she is. Since you can't do the big thing for her, ask what little things you can do to make her feel better.
- Tell her that the two of you go through this together no matter where... that you don't let her down. 

I think MC would be a good idea. Right now your wife needs as much support as you do or her damage after your coming out of fog could be bad. There is a lot a good MC can do for you. At least there was a lot the MC did for us.
It will be better with time... always think about that.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Honestly, I can't blame her one bit...how is she supposed to feel? She's no doubt comparing herself to the woman you had the EA with...she obviously is scared of losing you and is trying her darnest to keep you...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Wait...if you're saying you're still in a fog...then you're not in a fog.
> 
> Isn't one of the main fog requirements denial?
> 
> She's killing herself trying to make you happy after you cheated and that's pushing you away? Did I wake up in upside down world?



I was thinking the same thing every time I saw him stating he was in the "fog".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

We haven't started MC yet. She said that she's not ready yet. 

I am open and honest with her to a point of being respectful of her feelings. She doesn't want to her the details. Seeing the email with ILY was enough for her.

On the days where I am feeling sad, it's because I miss the fake "good parts" of communicating with the OW, the fact that I'm now a cheater, and the pain I caused to all involved. I can only share with her that I'm depressed about my behavior.


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## UpperSideOfDown (Oct 27, 2011)

That's understandable. Is there anything else you can do when you miss the time you usually spent with the OW? As I understand there is a gap now what needs to be filled with something what makes you feel good. 
A hobby... workout...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I do lots of chores, go to the gym, take the dogs for a walk, and anything else I can try and enjoy.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Your wife needs reassurance, everyday, numerous times a day that the AE is over, she needs to know you don't want the other woman and you are not comparing them. She needs to know that you take full responsibility for your actions. She needs to be held and loved and listened too. She needs to be able to cry and grieve and be mad. She needs you to be patient and understanding! 

These are the things I need anyway, I'm sure she feels pretty much the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She does worry that I'm communicating with the OW while I'm at work. But those emails would show up on my phone as well. And I told her she can look at my phone at any time. In fact, I leave it where she can look at it and put it back down where it's at when I'm not around it. All me emails show up on the phone. The EA is over. I don't compare her and the OW. Never have. I've told her several times that I do take full responsibility for what I did, and the pain everyone involved is experiencing. I do hug her, hold her hand, and listen to every word she is saying. I don't like to see her cry. But it's a reminder of what I did, and then pain it's causing her. I am patient and understanding.

I'm also fearful of the anger stage. I sense that the anger stage will occur in a few months. She has done too much rug sweeping of the whole thing since discovery. I have a gut feeling that I will be told that she wants a divorce at that time. Especially if I'm still acting the way I am by then (sad, depressed, moody, etc.). If it happens, I caused it by having an EA. If it doesn't, I helped cause that as well.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I was thinking the same thing every time I saw him stating he was in the "fog".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Echo, 

He is obviously having withdrawal symptons. His wife is likely in denial and shock doing everything to save the marriage but she will eventually burst with the pain of her husband saying he loves another and may say she's done and file.

Seems "her too" isn't doing enough heavy lifting to save the marriage although at least no contact has been done and he's been man enough to stick around and see some pain, but the full extent of his wife's pain is suppressed.

As cheaters go, still selfish with his needs (withdrawal) but its his wife's needs that are priority. At least he is around to witness some of her pain and dropped other woman. A better class of cheater, if that's possible. 

The worst cheaters are the one's that leave for OW after living a double life, not man enough to accept responsibility or stay to see the train wreck left behind, show no remorse and then try to project lthrough fvckbook that life is wonderful with OW. That's a twisted mind.

At least "her too" is under the same roof to rescue the marrage but the withdrawal needs to be sorted out because that will be killing his wife inside and one day soon she might just explode from the pain of it all.

Still a chance to rescue this from happening.


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## JustFriends (Nov 1, 2011)

Im currently in the same situation your wife is although my husband and I were seperated and he convinced hiself it was over..so he has an affair.."Just Friends" he says..Didn't kiss her or have Sex..We have been married 24 years and we have never once had a trust issue..Financial-was the culprit we made it thru it and then he gave up...Mine needs to come clean and quit lying so we can move on.. Its a processes...You have ripped off the bandaid and now its time to heal..Tell her every detail she wants to know..and watch the movie "FireProof" together..God is the answer...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think you haven't seen my posts that I am doing the heavy lifting on my own since my wife is not applying it to me. I am also the one who put the NC in place. I'm doing what I can to care for my wife's emotions and the pain she is experiencing. I wish she would get some IC to help her out. I also want to go to MC, but she said she's not ready for that. I don't see her progressing, but rug sweeping instead. So you can see why I am worried about her. I don't want her to change. She thinks she needs to change. I'm going to IC, and I want to work more on fixing our marriage. 

If you want me to lie and say that I don't still have feelings about the OW, you won't hear me say that. I'm done telling lies. I do have feelings for her because I hurt her too. I'm solely responsible for damaging my wife, and the life of the OW. I'm the rat dung pile cheater, and I remind myself of it each day. And likely will for the rest of my life.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Did you understand (before cheating) the consequences and the effect of sneaking behind your wife's back? That the lies upon lies would spiral and snowball out of control?

I am interested in the thought process of a cheater and the silly claims "it just happened"! The statement in itself shows a failure to take responsibility for one's own actions.

Fundamentality there must be a character flaw in cheaters. 

People are either cheaters, or loyal. Betrayal, full stop is something that is inbuilt, or not in my opinion.

Of course everyone is vulnerable to attention and outside praise from others than can cross over lines but, there is always a brake to prick one's conscience of the effect on another.

The cheater doesn't appear to have this essential clear line or they do but, go totally disregard it in favour of self, not others. Which raises the spectre of the selfish gene. 

Does the cheater have an unhealthy excess of the selfish gene?

Are cheaters easily influenced in general and if affairs are seen as acceptable in society they follow like sheep?

Are LS generally strong people with more independent minds and therefore less likely to follow the crowd?

Betrayal is not something in my vocabulary. 

Loyalty is an important, essential quality; without, it rots the core of oneself.


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## UpperSideOfDown (Oct 27, 2011)

HerToo,

I see why you feel bad but this doesn't help anybody. Instead of beating yourself up, keep your cool and try to make your recovery work. 

The only way to help your wife is to get out of the withdrawal as soon as you can. Try to get her into MC or IC. Let her know that it is important for you that she also works through the situation so the two of you have about the same level. Make it your priority to show her any tiny progress of your recovery. Right now you move into opposite directions and I think you run into disaster when she doesn't get the right help. 

The longer you keep the affair alive in your mind the more your wife will draw back. You don't even need to say it... she can feel it. The things you do and say are good but not enough. The only thing she really wants is you to acknowledge the affair for what is was... as a fantasy. So work on that. 

In your story I find much of ours. My husband took his time. Since he allowed himself to have "good memories" about the affair and felt bad about her pain, he tried to escape into this memories when he felt bad or the recovery road got bumpy between us. This will build up and one day, when there is enough excuse there will be contact again. This happened after seven months. Not the extend I thought initially but it really doesn't matter. After I told him I filed for divorce it took him half a day to drop out of fog. Not sure what we are doing now. Maybe it's to late and I can't do it anymore. 

What I want to say is... there are so many reasons you decided for your marriage. Instead thinking about what you seemingly lost with the OW think about what you have won with your wife.


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