# Love, Sex, and Hormones: After 40?



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, this is kind of long but I will try to use good writing skills so you can follow along with at least some interest (hopefully great interest).

I am divorcing from my wife. I was very, very much in love with my stb-x, so much so I stayed for years with her without any intimacy whatsoever until finally having the gonads to get up and leave. It broke my heart to leave her – absolutely broke my heart. But no matter what. . .it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, I have finally got “back in the saddle” with sex with someone. I must admit, while I had the normal “hormonal” motive to have sex, I was kind of hoping to have that “ga-ga” feeling I had (some call it “vagina-whipped”) when I was younger. I watched a fascinating special on PBS and men and women and their brains and they noted the following:

1. Women have higher levels of oxytocin floating around in their blood. Oxytocin levels are kind of the lovey-dovey hormone.
2.	Men don’t have high levels of oxytocin but rather have higher levels of testosterone. This gives them an average higher sex drive. However, after sex, men’s oxytocin levels soar like 5x, maybe exceeding women. They feel all in love right after.
3.	Men need sex to feel love. Women feel love and then have sex.

Anyway. . .here’s the rub. After I had sex with my girlfriend, after getting over some performance anxiety – nothing. I mean – it’s kind of scary. My gf is very affectionate, beautiful, we have compatible political and religious views, she’s kind and I have the deep most respect for her. But I would only say I am very “in like” with her.

I am scared because I am worried I am not ever going to have that “ga-ga” feeling like I had when I was younger (I would say I was in love 2x in my life – one I had sex with (my stb-x) and another I didn’t). Maybe "ga-ga" feelings are for the young. But my stb-x seems so in love with her boyfriend; I think that's what I am angry, hurt, and jealous of. . .that she could feel that depth of feeling for someone so easy after our break-up. She has something that I simply don't. I am also scared because I don’t want to break my gf's heart. . .I know what that feels like and maybe I have been selfish, although we have discussed our feelings all along the way and there’s nothing I’ve hidden.

Are my oxytocin levels just shot?

I am wondering if after 40 is if like love and sex more “business-like” or something? Like okay, we exchange sex and companionship and shared expenses and this and that. . .but no “ga-ga” feeling ever again. The sex is good – she is a good lover and she says I am but I don’t know. . .while I think she wants to sit around and do all the lovey-dovey stuff after sex like look into each other’s eyes and talk. . .I am just not feeling it. Or maybe she doesn’t either.

I kinda thought I would.

Am I immune to “vagina-whipping” at this point? Could I be that obvious that this is a bonafide mid-life crisis?

Everyone around me says I’m vulnerable but truthfully, it feels just the opposite – like my heart is ice. I worry about my partner's vulnerability more.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

Your message is full of false stereotypes such as "Men need sex to feel love. Women feel love and then have sex." I'm female and I find this sentence absurd and specious. It's also a gross generalization to say men's oxycontin levels (actually it would be serotonin levels), skyrocket after sex. 

Everyone is different sexually. Sex drives and sexual feelings vary wildly from person to person. It's not one siz fits all. You seem to be generalizing everything, which isn't a good thing to do when approaching a new relationship.

You're probably never going to be as horny as you were as a teenager. Women's sex drives in their 40's dwarf most men's, at least in my experience. After the age of 30, your testosterone level dips 1%-2% every year, so that raging type of hornyness is probably gone forever. 

For me, sex is much more frequent and better at 45 than it ever was when I was 25. But you are different and may not experience the same thing.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> ... I was very, very much in love with my stb-x...


_... and you still are._

You will get over her eventually.

GF probably will not wait though.

Good luck.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I was certainly generalizing, freely admit that, but I hope I wasn't stereotyping. I didn't mean any offense to the horny women here. And I wasn't really speaking of being less horny. . .I mean being less "ga-ga" and all that "being in love feeling."

Horniness intact here.

(to define "ga-ga" better).

Was it serotonin? Could have sworn it was oxytocin. . .well, no matter.

I was speaking generally, men have higher sex drives. This forum is proof that it's not always so.

Yeah. . .I have thought about that. . .I am still in love. Maybe it was kind of a false hope if I connected physically, socially and emotionally with another woman, it would help me fall out of love more.

But it hasn't. 

I don't know that I am still in love actually. . .I feel like I am in this kind of "purgatory" between being in love with her and not. Indifferent, icey kind of feeling and I was kind of hoping a normal sex life would at least make me feel human again, you know?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> It's also a gross generalization to say men's oxycontin levels (actually it would be serotonin levels), skyrocket after sex.


I think Oxycontin is a controlled substance. I was speaking of oxytocin (easy to mix up).

And I don't think I was absurd to say the sexes approach love and mating differently and in a complex way.

But I know we kind of live in a genderless society now. . .where men and women are "lovers" and fathers and mothers are "parents." There is no gender assignment anymore.

Liberal academia I fault for a lot of that.

So, we'll have to disagree on my absurdity here


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Scanner,
I think you are still in love with her. You wrote that it broke your heart to leave her and that you are jealous of her new relationship. I know she is your stbx but is their any hope for a future for the two of you? It sounds like you really love her that might be preventing you from having those kind of feelings for your now gf.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I will not speak of statistics as I don't know them. 

My oxytocin levels EXPLODE after sex. I have playfully told my wife that I would literally do anything she wants right after. NO 
QUESTION that it is this OXYTOCIN thing - as I have adjusted my serotonin levels via drugs in several ways and THIS is a totally different feeling. 

This feeling does not consistently happen to wife - so I am a little careful about how much I mask it. Lets face it having someone drench you with ga ga love - when you aren't feeling it - is a bad feeling. So when she wants to spoon - post sex - we do. And when she doesn't - no sweat. The sex is consistently a 10 - so she isn't obligated to simulate any post sex emotion on my account. 




Scannerguard said:


> I think Oxycontin is a controlled substance. I was speaking of oxytocin (easy to mix up).
> 
> And I don't think I was absurd to say the sexes approach love and mating differently and in a complex way.
> 
> ...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ...Anyway, I have finally got “back in the saddle” with sex with someone. I must admit, while I had the normal “hormonal” motive to have sex, I was kind of hoping to have that “ga-ga” feeling I had (some call it “vagina-whipped”) when I was younger.


and



> Anyway. . .here’s the rub. After I had sex with my girlfriend, after getting over some performance anxiety – nothing. I mean – it’s kind of scary. My gf is very affectionate...But I would only say I am very “in like” with her. ...I am scared because I am worried I am not ever going to have that “ga-ga” feeling like I had when I was younger ... Maybe "ga-ga" feelings are for the young.





> ...I am wondering if after 40 is if like love and sex more “business-like” or something? Like okay, we exchange sex and companionship and shared expenses and this and that. . .but no “ga-ga” feeling ever again. The sex is good – she is a good lover and she says I am but I don’t know. . .while I think she wants to sit around and do all the lovey-dovey stuff after sex like look into each other’s eyes and talk. . .I am just not feeling it. Or maybe she doesn’t either.


Scanner~

I'm not a scientist but I can tell ya my experiences. When my first husband left me I was sort of middle-aged-ish with two younger kids and at the time I kind of thought "no one will want a slightly chubby, mid-30's, christian mom with two kids" so although I very much enjoyed being married and sharing my life with someone, I figured I'd dedicate my life to raising the kids. So I went to lady's things and worked and raised the kids but missed being married. Every now and then I'd try dating, but the men I met were just not doing it for me, and eventually I thought "Well, maybe my heart doesn't work like that anymore I don't know!" 

Then I met Dear Hubby. 

First of all, I wasn't looking at the time. I knew of his existence for month but it was on a forum and he was speaking to men and in a different area of the forum so we just hadn't spoken. Then I noticed we were both kind of night owls and he was on late at night when I was...so I read some of his posts. OMG he wrote so intelligently and was so witty! His mind got me before anything else (still does ). Well he was divorced, I was divorced, we started talking, then chatting, then calling and I went nuts. Here I was an old person with two kids...and felt like a darn teenager! Sure enough I felt butterflies in my stomach; I was giggly--it was embarrassing! 

Now we've been married for quite a while and we have seven kids altogether. He's into his 50's, I'm in late 40's, and we've both hit our equivalents of "menopause" :lol: And I would still say that it's not "businesslike" for us. Okay the butterflies and giggliness is somewhat died down as we share a bit deeper bond now, but honestly thinking of him still makes my heart flutter and I still want to kiss him hard on the mouth. Know what I mean? Sometimes it's nice, comfy sex and sometimes NOHOLDSBARRED burn up the bedroom...whew! 

So I think as you get older your "ga-ga" abilities do not go away. I think you still go "ga-ga" to a degree...but there is a little more of your mind involved as you get older vs. pure chemistry when you're young.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

MEM,

Thanks for sharing that. It gives me hope.

I have a had funny experience with all of this. Well, funny to me. My best friend from growing up has been an eternal bachelor since we were 5 years old. I got married and I was the family man.

We are kind of like Mutt and Jeff.

Now, of about 12 guys we all kind of knew and hung around with in my home town, we are the only 2 bachelors left. All assumedly happily married.

Anyway, he took me under his wing and "apprenticed me" in being a bachelor again. (he calls me his Padwan - Star Wars geeks would understand the reference). He has taught me everythign - how to text, flirt, when to back off with a woman, when to advance, even how to be "the other guy." Remember, you are kind of talking to the shy guy you sat next to in biology when you were in 10th grade. So this isn't bragging. . .it's kind of like finding out you know karate now and you can't believe you know how to disable an opponent, for lack of a better analogy.

Anyway. . .it's working. He says I am pretty much Jedi now and there's no more he can teach me. I have a steady gf and anotehr woman call *me *last night and ask me out for a drink (b/c I backed off 3 month ago and I now I know women don't make up their mind about "mating" right away like men do - gross generalization again, I realize . . .they need to pontificate on the possibility).

I accepted but I told her it's a platonic date tommorrow night. The gf doesn't know but I will tell her. . .I told her I want to have many platonic female friends because if we break up, I don't want to have my entire self-esteem shattered again.

It's like having a diversified portfolio.

Anyway, I know how to "play" right now. How good and how eligible of a bachelor I am. . .well. . .that's a matter of opinion. I realize many women could find this admission distasteful and I am being full of myself. Realize that in a way, this isn't me. .. but kind of a new me.

Yet, we both lament the same thing - no "ga-ga-ness" with this.

And I am not sure I want to lead the life he has kind of led - jumping from woman to woman for empty sex. I want that ga-ga-ness someday again. (he has had it too and his significant other cheated on him 3x)

So I am going out platonically with this other woman to see if she may fit the bill.

IN the meantime, I am adjusting from married sex to bachelor sex, to stay in the theme with the forum. Married guys. . .let me just say - I think you have it better. No, I am pretty sure of it. . .the grass isn't greener here. I think I would take that "in love/ga-ga" sex in the vanilla missionary position anyday.

But ga-ga-less sex is better than no sex, I guess.

Brennan,

I guess I do love her but she hasn't loved me for a long time. I think the chances are nil.

I was the one always saying, "I love you" and demonstrating affection and she was just cold. She is now in love with another man and wants to spend the rest of her life with him and introducing the kids to him and everything.

After reading the above, you may criticize my bachelor friend, but he has actually been invaluable in helping me pull myself up by my bootstraps and restore my self-esteem.

I am embracing my newfound bachelorhood. . .and am content to lead the life. . .just wondering what fate has in store for me with finding love or not again.


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