# Husband’s sexting OF women



## Just keep swimming

Sorry in advance if my sentences aren’t correct. I’m upset writing. So as the title states I caught my husband sexting an OF girl not giving her money just sexting. This is a boundary for me that I have stated to him when we’ve talked about boundaries this is a hard no. I consider it cheating. The first time he seemed remorseful even apologized. The second time tho he only messaged the women calling her cute but still I had already said I don’t feel comfortable with you messaging them. He decided to blame everything on me that I snooped(which we normally have an open phones) then started to bash my childhood trauma basically anything he could say he said it to try and hurt me an make me feel like it was all my fault. Now the third time I was away having a procedure done an on bed rest he was ignoring me all week so I knew. Which brings me up to date I feel like I can’t trust my own feelings and thoughts with all that he says. I did tell him the second time that if it happens again I’m leaving. But I’m an emotional mess with so much to do. But all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry. Thanks for letting me vent….


----------



## Andy1001

He’s letting you know that your feelings or boundaries don’t matter to him and his over the top reaction shows that he is willing to bully you into submission. I would consider counselling but I don’t think he’ll agree.


----------



## Mr.Married

I’m not familiar with how it works but I find it hard to believe that an Only Fans girl is wasting her time texting a man for free. There is money involved somewhere in there …..


----------



## Just keep swimming

Mr.Married said:


> I’m not familiar with how it works but I find it hard to believe that an Only Fans girl is wasting her time texting a man for free. There is money involved somewhere in there …..





Mr.Married said:


> I’m not familiar with how it works but I find it hard to believe that an Only Fans girl is wasting her time texting a man for free. There is money involved somewhere in there …..


 With the other women yes but with these two women he was able to message them for awhile because they were “discovering their kinks with like minded ppl” he did eventually pay the second girl $200 dollars but I don’t know for what as he deleted it.


----------



## Just keep swimming

Just keep swimming said:


> With the other women yes but with these two women he was able to message them for awhile because they were “discovering their kinks with like minded ppl” he did eventually pay the second girl $200 dollars but I don’t know for what as he deleted it.


I forgot to say one of the excuses he would tell me is that he’s trying to get free content. The other excuse is that it’s apparently no different from paying I’m just delusional….


----------



## Mr.Married

The absolute worst thing you can do is state a boundary and then not follow through. You should try to avoid that situation in the future. It will only teach the other person your words mean nothing. Be careful with that. Your only recourse would be to do something drastic like kick him out for a week or something similar. You need to be able to back up what you say.


----------



## Mr.Married

I’m rereading your post and it may appear you are fine with him having OF but no good with the sexting. Is this the case ?


----------



## Just keep swimming

Mr.Married said:


> I’m rereading your post and it may appear you are fine with him having OF but no good with the sexting. Is this the case ?


Yes I’m fine with him having OF along with the other sites. It’s just the sexting.


----------



## Just keep swimming

Mr.Married said:


> I’m rereading your post and it may appear you are fine with him having OF but no good with the sexting. Is this the case ?


Honestly now I don’t really feel okay with him having OF any more. But I don’t even wanna try opening that conversation with him.


----------



## Mr.Married

Just keep swimming said:


> Honestly now I don’t really feel okay with him having OF any more. But I don’t even wanna try opening that conversation with him.


I think you should first understand what it is you will and will not accept. Confrontation is something you will have to accept as part of that deal from what it sounds like.


----------



## Enigma32

If it makes you feel any better, a semi successful OF girl doesn't handle her own messages. Most likely, your husband is sexting a man pretending to be a woman.


----------



## 342693

Sexting is cheating in my book. And your H not only continues to do it once you confronted him, but blames you! 
And you shouldn't be okay with your spouse having an OF account. Are you kidding me? 

You need to set clear boundaries and then enforce them. If...when...he breaks them again, you need to ask yourself if this is the type of marriage you want for the rest of your life. Or do you want to get out and get into a healthy relationship one day.


----------



## Rus47

Just keep swimming said:


> he did eventually pay the second girl $200 dollars but I don’t know for what as he deleted it.


This is sick! So sorry you are dealing with this, but obviously he doesn't care what boundaries you have. And doesn't care when you tell him to stop. Do you have family and friends close by for support while you recover from your procedure(s)? If so, reach out to them for some support while you get your feet under you. 

A man who would bully his wife, especially when she isn't well isn't worth keeping IMO.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Just keep swimming said:


> Sorry in advance if my sentences aren’t correct. I’m upset writing. So as the title states I caught my husband sexting an OF girl not giving her money just sexting. This is a boundary for me that I have stated to him when we’ve talked about boundaries this is a hard no. I consider it cheating. The first time he seemed remorseful even apologized. The second time tho he only messaged the women calling her cute but still I had already said I don’t feel comfortable with you messaging them. He decided to blame everything on me that I snooped(which we normally have an open phones) then started to bash my childhood trauma basically anything he could say he said it to try and hurt me an make me feel like it was all my fault. Now the third time I was away having a procedure done an on bed rest he was ignoring me all week so I knew. Which brings me up to date I feel like I can’t trust my own feelings and thoughts with all that he says. I did tell him the second time that if it happens again I’m leaving. But I’m an emotional mess with so much to do. But all I want to do is crawl in bed and cry. Thanks for letting me vent….


Not much of a boundary if you are still around after he has violated it 3 times. He will keep doing it, guaranteed. He knows you are all talk and no action. He has you right where he wants you.


----------



## *Deidre*

I think you married the wrong guy, but lucky for you, if you leave him...there are plenty of good ones out there. If it were me, I'd just leave because this kind of thing isn't building up the marriage, if anything, your husband doesn't sound like he wants to be married. You don't need to tolerate OF, by the way. Sounds like you are worried about losing your husband, so your boundaries keep expanding. 😔


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

*


Just keep swimming said:



He decided to blame everything on me that I snooped(which we normally have an open phones) then started to bash my childhood trauma basically anything he could say he said it to try and hurt me an make me feel like it was all my fault. Now the third time I was away having a procedure done an on bed rest he was ignoring me all week so I knew. Which brings me up to date I feel like I can’t trust my own feelings and thoughts with all that he says. I did tell him the second time that if it happens again I’m leaving.….

Click to expand...

*Jesus. The POS gets caught hitting on a girl he probably pays to wank to on OnlyFans and *YOU'RE* the bad guy he proceeds to **** all over and then laugh at your childhood trauma?

Seriously, you married a real POS. Why on earth you'd give someone like this a second chance is beyond me. The utter disrespect he shoved down your throat from start to finish is completely *unacceptable*.

PS: If he's texting her, then he got her number from somewhere and I'm willing to bet they're not talking about world hunger or the hobby of spelunking. Just a wild guess.


----------



## *Deidre*

I think the normalization of this type of stuff in our culture, is causing so many women to just tolerate any and all behaviors from their partners. It's so sad.


----------



## Teacherwifemom

This is really, really awful. I’m not sure if you get to observe healthy relationships around you, or what you saw modeled to you as a child, but this is really in the realm of horrific. Bringing up childhood trauma is pure evil. Someone who can do this will not change. It’s just in him to be cruel. That’s who he is. Please examine your options. You don’t say how old you are, if you have kids, if you work, but I think you need to think long and hard about what you envision your future looking like. It does not have to involve this level of emotional abuse. That being said, I can’t imagine why you’re okay with him being on sites like this. You’ve essentially told him it’s okay.


----------



## Tdbo

If you have a boundary, you need to enforce sanctions for violating it.
Otherwise, no point in having boundaries.
You crying in bed ain't going to get it done.
If you told him you would leave if he did such, then you need to start packing.
He will push you as far as you will let him.
You need to decide how much you are willing to take.


----------



## 342693

Just keep swimming said:


> he did eventually pay the second girl $200 dollars but I don’t know for what as he deleted it.


Correction...he paid $100, you paid $100.


----------



## SunCMars

She'sStillGotIt said:


> PS: If he's texting her, then he got her number from somewhere and I'm willing to bet they're not talking about world hunger or the hobby of spelunking. Just a wild guess.


I agree, that those particular subjects are never being discussed, except maybe for the _spelunking_ part.
The _cave _exploring.

He is definitely interested in her dark and damp recesses.

Just sayin'


----------



## re16

Why would anyone tolerate this? He did the full DARVO move.

Do you have kids with this man?


----------



## Just keep swimming

re16 said:


> Why would anyone tolerate this? He did the full DARVO move.
> 
> Do you have kids with this man?


Because he made it seem like I would be the only person with a problem with it. I don’t know what a DARVO move is. And yes I do.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Just keep swimming said:


> Because he made it seem like I would be the only person with a problem with it. I don’t know what a DARVO move is. And yes I do.


The "all men do it" argument. I had actually given up, because so many men had told me "all men do it" about behaviors I found unacceptable.

Then I met someone and learned that, in fact, all men do NOT do that. My advice is that if he believes it's his "right" to be with other women, then leave him to it and find someone who doesn't cheat. Because there are, in fact, a lot of men out there who don't act like that.


----------



## re16

Just keep swimming said:


> Because he made it seem like I would be the only person with a problem with it. I don’t know what a DARVO move is. And yes I do.


DARVO is a psychology term for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It is a common technique aggressive people use to try to make someone feel negative for pointing out their faults.

A counselor might help, as he/she will definitely be stating what he is doing is wholly unacceptable behavior.

He is deceitful and unapologetic for his damaging behavior.... he doesn't respect your boundaries at all because he is only thinking about himself.

There is likely more and worse things going on, you only caught a glimpse....


----------



## Lotsofheart73

As wrong as he is for engaging in the behavior you expressed you would not tolerate, he is a total ass in the way he spoke to you when you called him out. Trying to say something is wrong with you because he has no other defense. Who really wants to make their spouse feel that bad? I’m assuming he has not apologized for the things he said to you?

As other have said, there needs to be consequences. And honestly, it feels like if you choose to stay with him you’ll be fighting over this kind of stuff for the rest of you’re lives together. He maybe try better to hide it but it ain’t going away. Every time he’s pissed at you he’ll be there, every time you take the kids to see grandparents, he’ll be there, every time he can’t sleep, he’ll be there. Think about if you want to being fighting with him about this 6 months from now, 6 years from now.


----------



## Mr.Married

Just keep swimming said:


> Because he made it seem like I would be the only person with a problem with it. I don’t know what a DARVO move is. And yes I do.


My wife would chit a brick and rightfully so and for that matter most EVERY spouse would.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Just keep swimming said:


> Because he made it seem like I would be the only person with a problem with it. I don’t know what a DARVO move is. And yes I do.


You won't find anyone around here that is okay with it, especially once you told him it was a no go for you in your marriage.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Just keep swimming said:


> With the other women yes but with these two women he was able to message them for awhile because they were “discovering their kinks with like minded ppl” he did eventually pay the second girl $200 dollars but I don’t know for what as he deleted it.


Dudes who waste their time / resources engaging with, and giving money to onlyfans girls are ****ing losers. Sorry.


----------



## Prodigal

Just keep swimming said:


> his is a boundary for me that I have stated to him when we’ve talked about boundaries this is a hard no. I consider it cheating.





Just keep swimming said:


> I did tell him the second time that if it happens again I’m leaving.





Just keep swimming said:


> Honestly now I don’t really feel okay with him having OF any more. But I don’t even wanna try opening that conversation with him.


^^THIS.^^ 

I'm afraid you don't know what boundaries actually are. A boundary clearly states what you will not accept, and crossing that boundary will result in consequences.

Thus far, you have told him that he crossed a boundary which you find unacceptable. Then you told him that if he crossed the boundary again, you would leave. Now you're still with him after he has crossed the boundary numerous times. See how what you've called a "boundary" isn't one at all?


----------



## Just keep swimming

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS.^^
> 
> I'm afraid you don't know what boundaries actually are. A boundary clearly states what you will not accept, and crossing that boundary will result in consequences.
> 
> Thus far, you have told him that he crossed a boundary which you find unacceptable. Then you told him that if he crossed the boundary again, you would leave. Now you're still with him after he has crossed the boundary numerous times. See how what you've called a "boundary" isn't one at all?





Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS.^^
> 
> I'm afraid you don't know what boundaries actually are. A boundary clearly states what you will not accept, and crossing that boundary will result in consequences.
> 
> Thus far, you have told him that he crossed a boundary which you find unacceptable. Then you told him that if he crossed the boundary again, you would leave. Now you're still with him after he has crossed the boundary numerous times. See how what you've called a "boundary" isn't one at
> I’m not still with him.


----------



## Just keep swimming

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS.^^
> 
> I'm afraid you don't know what boundaries actually are. A boundary clearly states what you will not accept, and crossing that boundary will result in consequences.
> 
> Thus far, you have told him that he crossed a boundary which you find unacceptable. Then you told him that if he crossed the boundary again, you would leave. Now you're still with him after he has crossed the boundary numerous times. See how what you've called a "boundary" isn't one at all?


I didn’t stay. But it’s not like I can block him still have to Coparent. It’s definitely not gonna stop him and his friends from trying to convince me I’m in the wrong or how it’s stupid or how I’d be the only person upset with this.That’s why I made the post they started to make me doubt myself. I did say in previous replies.


----------



## Prodigal

Just keep swimming said:


> But it’s not like I can block him still have to Coparent. It’s definitely not gonna stop him and his friends from trying to convince me I’m in the wrong


So ONLY discuss with him things that involve the children. DO NOT engage/discuss/argue about anything else. If he starts in on the blame game, cut him off. No need to listen to this jerk's sick attempts to place blame on you for his crappy behavior.


----------



## Openminded

The old saying “a fool and his money are soon parted” applies. He‘s a fool who’s wasting marital assets and his friends are trying to convince you that you’re the one who’s a fool? Nope. If that’s more important to him than his family well, what is there to say.


----------



## MattMatt

Just keep swimming said:


> I didn’t stay. But it’s not like I can block him still have to Coparent. It’s definitely not gonna stop him and his friends from trying to convince me I’m in the wrong or how it’s stupid or how I’d be the only person upset with this.That’s why I made the post they started to make me doubt myself. I did say in previous replies.


Aren't there co-parenting apps that you can use?


----------



## Hopeless_in_LA

It is so sad that our society is so accepting of this type of behavior these days. In my case this is exactly how my husbands affair started. I found out he had an account was messaging a woman confronted him....truned it around on me.....appologized...said it would never happen again. Only to find out that when he was sent to work out of town he purchased a second cell phone just to communicate with her......brought her to stay with him while working......put her in another hotel when my children and I would come and visit on the weekends.....so that he could still have his fun while I took on all our responsibilities.......I found out about the affair when I made a suprise visit ...not only was he cheating but they were also participating in IV drug use....fast forward..she pregnant during this time and due to have the baby in just a couple of weeks.


----------



## TinyTbone

As a married couple, in what world is it right for either text others of the opposite sex without knowledge and or approval if the other...such as mutual friends, relatives, possibly when required work real WORK situation? Spouses don't keep secrets, honest spouses that is. Cheating is cheating. You don't need his permission to ascertain this feeling or decision. He isn't going to stop, he's a mess and either get him to find help for his issues or leave. Either way its your choice to stay or leave. At this point he's proved he has no respect for you or your marriage and you'd be a fool to think he'll stop.


----------



## Jimi007

*Deidre* said:


> I think the normalization of this type of stuff in our culture, is causing so many women to just tolerate any and all behaviors from their partners. It's so sad.


I agree , the world has definitely changed. Every aspect of it has changed. Just watch TV for 10 mins. Way different than when I grew up


----------

