# Is my husband having an emotional affair?



## rebekahb (Sep 11, 2016)

I've never been the jealous type. My husband has always done a wonderful job of complimenting me and telling me that he loved me. He is an extrovert (I'm an introvert) and he had a lot of female friends in college before we met. He texts or messages them on Facebook every once in a while to catch up (maybe once or twice a year) and it's never bothered me. However, he reconnected with a female friend a couple months ago. I wasn't initially concerned, but I noticed that they were texting almost every day. Back and forth for hours every day. I didn't think he had any dishonourable intentions (we were in a good place at the time) but I expressed my concern to him that when we hit a rough patch (which I think is inevitable in any marriage) I wasn't comfortable with the idea that he was texting another woman almost daily. He said he understood and told me that he would cut down communication with her to the weekends instead of every day. I don't usually invade his privacy and check his phone, but he called her the other night and it triggered me. So I looked at his text messages. Here are a few of them: (1) "I just get to the end of the week and I want to call you." (2) "This qualifies as the weekend, right?" (on a Friday night) (3) "I just wanted to say it was a really good weekend talking." Am I crazy, or does this sound inappropriate? I'm looking for honest impressions.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Oh, wow. If he's innocent, he is still feeding off of this. In any case, it isn't appropriate. I'm by no means the expert here. You will get all the standard advice from those who think they are. It will be as follows:

1. He is having an emotional affair
2. He likely is having a physical affair,
3. Don't confront him yet, but do get evidence.
4. Without him knowing, get access to all social media as well as his cell. Monitor this.
5. Buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) and install it in his car.
6. When you have gathered sufficient evidences of his affair to put him in a corner and pin his balls to the wall, then and only the ask him point blank if he's having an affair.
7. Don't believe him when he tells you he's isn't.
8. Accept he is having an affair, no matter what; either way, tell him it's BS and you have proof.
9. Do a 180 (which basically means stop doing anything for him, act like he barely exists, don't try to win him back, get in awesome shape, make yourself as interesting and sexy as you'd like for the next guy).
10. Live your life. He will either come back to you or he won't.

Ok. That about sums it up. Sure others will give varying advice.

Now, to MY advice. Actually, my questions: do you think he loves you and do you love him? Are you "in love with each other?" Is he the kind of man who might cheat? Have things been rocky between you two? Is this totally unexpected, or does a part of you think it may have only been a matter of time?

And lastly, I'm sorry. I am very sorry you are here posting this. That is all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't care about labels.

What do you think he is looking for from this woman and why might he think he can't get that from you?

I'm NOT trying to blame you, but I think its important to understand what *he* might think he is missing (even if it isn't at all reasonable). 

I don't believe you can every prevent someone from cheating if they feel that they have a reason to do so. 


For example, as someone who has had borderline emotional affairs myself, the things I was missing were: A passionate sex life. Being admired, respected - my wife was taking me for granted, complaining about anything I did wrong while not recognizing the things that I did right.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

don't confront him. consult the standard evidence post
so sorry you are going through this.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is getting something out of this, or he would not do this.

The OW is stroking his ego. Giving some of HER time to HIM.

Acknowledging his existence.....at minimum.

He may be deleting some of the boundary-crossing messages, leaving the innocuous ones for you to see.

I would worry MORE about the OW's intentions. SHE may be grooming HIM??


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's an investment of his time and energy that is not being spent on you or the relationship.

How many hours per week do you spend together, just you two? Not including sleep? Do you still date?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Yes, it seems that way, IMO. I wouldn't turn into a PI, I'd just have a calm talk with him, but there is a good saying my grandmother who died last year used to say a lot ''where you spend your time, money and talent is what matters to you most.'' 

He needs to explain why spending so much time on her matters to him.  Praying for you both.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If she's on Facebook or other social media, have a look at it to learn a few things about her. Does she have a husband? At some point I would get in touch with him after I would figure out what strategy I am going to take. 

If you can save those text messages and other messages, do so in a safe place. If you were to contact her husband / bf / family, you will need this kind of proof.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Yes it is an EA. Back and forth for hours a day?? That is being infatuated with each other. 

You can go to the CWI section for more info....


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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

Yikes, sounds like your H is making you out to be the bad guy, blameshifting the 'weekend limit' onto you! I don't know about your relationship, but if it's usually otherwise healthy and open I would talk it out with him immediately and say woah, do you see what you're doing??

However, if he's not a standup guy then I'd follow Begin again's advice with the sleuthing before confrontation. Though if he's really that shady I feel the relationship isn't worth the hassle anyway. Just IMO.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Seems like an EA, no 'friend' wants to be in such constant communicaton, he is crossing boundaries big time. Read the book "Not Just Friends."
Ask your H would be be comfortable with you being in contact with an old college friend and constantly texting at the same level. Remember what is good for the gander is good for the goose.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Begin again said:


> Oh, wow. If he's innocent, he is still feeding off of this. In any case, it isn't appropriate. I'm by no means the expert here. You will get all the standard advice from those who think they are. It will be as follows:
> 
> 1. He is having an emotional affair
> 2. He likely is having a physical affair,
> ...


I doubt it has got to PA....yet. Not everyone's a hump monkey.

Could be having affair, he could be trying to revive the marriage - it is likely if he's doing the first that he will attempt the second.
You have good reason to start looking for more information, and make sure that the two of you are getting the emotional connection you both need at home.

Until you find out a bit more about what's going on, I'd hold off on the 180 - throw him the cold shoulder now will send the signal of "dead marriage" to the OW, and he will seek comfort and acknowledgement elsewhere.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

aine said:


> Seems like an EA, no 'friend' wants to be in such constant communicaton, he is crossing boundaries big time. Read the book "Not Just Friends."
> Ask your H would be be comfortable with you being in contact with an old college friend and constantly texting at the same level. Remember what is good for the gander is good for the goose.


If her marriage is unsatisfactory then she may be in the market for EA/communication need fulfillment. So might not go further but will suck emotion and communication out of both marriages.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

vel said:


> Yikes, sounds like your H is making you out to be the bad guy, blameshifting the 'weekend limit' onto you! I don't know about your relationship, but if it's usually otherwise healthy and open I would talk it out with him immediately and say woah, do you see what you're doing??
> 
> However, if he's not a standup guy then I'd follow Begin again's advice with the sleuthing before confrontation. Though if he's really that shady I feel the relationship isn't worth the hassle anyway. Just IMO.


The highlighted quote above is something you should worry about. Suddenly it's no longer open communication, now they have become co conspirators, it's become them against you. Your husband is painting you in a negative way and turning to another woman for support, I see that as a stepping stone to more. The communication will continue and will become more secretive, he's not going to go from hours a day to just a weekend thing.

He is in an emotional affair, no doubt about it. There's no safe ground here, he is giving his time an attention to another woman, that means he likes her more than you his own wife.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The *first *mistake in your thinking is that if things are 'good' in your marriage, he won't be tempted to cheat. Sadly, that ain't so - as you're clearly seeing. People cheat for a variety of reasons and it's naive, at best, to assume they only do it if the marriage is in a bad state.

Of course his 'friendship' with this woman is wildly inappropriate and he sounds like a love-sick teenage kid with a crush.

You told him to tone down the volume of all this texting so his "compromise" was to limit his texting only to the weekends. I can *guarantee* you he told his 'friend' that you were paranoid and suspicious about their 'friendship' so in order to appease you, he agreed to only text on the weekends. You no doubt came off as the paranoid wife and kill-joy in _that _conversation. Believe it.

Secondly, he's acting like a love-struck teenager whose been grounded by his mommy but LIVES for the weekends when he's finally 'allowed' to contact her again. Good lord, the drama.

He's way too infatuated to stop talking to her at this point, so if you come down on him and insist he stop, he's just going to find another way to do it. Oh, he'll TELL you he's cut contact with her, but secretly, he'll probably get a burner phone and keep it hidden, or just use one of the myriad of free apps out there that allow you to contact/text/call/video chat with others over WiFi and don't leave a history of any kind on the cell bill or in his texting history. Technology has made cheating SO much easier to hide, now.

If you ride him too much, you'll just cause him to get sneakier, is all.

It's time to contact her husband and tell him about their 'friendship.' And *DON'T* tell your husband you're going to do it because I can guarantee you he'll warn her and she'll be looking for any messages/emails/contacting/texting/smoke signals you send to her husband and deflect them before he gets a chance to see them.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes - big time.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would definitely talk to him. Just tell him outright that you looked at his phone.

If you know the woman and feel comfortable talking to both of them, you could call her on the speaker phone with your husband there and have a chat about what is going on, all three of you.

Tbh, though, I would probably just tell him it sounds like he would rather be with her than you. And I would start making some exit plans.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> I would definitely talk to him. Just tell him outright that you looked at his phone.
> 
> If you know the woman and feel comfortable talking to both of them, *you could call her on the speaker phone with your husband there and have a chat about what is going on, all three of you.
> *
> Tbh, though, I would probably just tell him it sounds like he would rather be with her than you. And I would start making some exit plans.


What, like you mean that there is something negotiable here?!?!?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> What, like you mean that there is something negotiable here?!?!?


There might be some misunderstanding. Open communication might clear that up.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jld said:


> There might be some misunderstanding. Open communication might clear that up.


Since you believe a BIG misunderstanding is possible here, give us some examples as to what that could be.


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Everyone has different boundaries in marriage, I guess. I guard my marriage like a Rottweiler guarding a T-bone steak. There are no private conversions, texting anyone of the opposite sex unless it is a direct relative.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Legend said:


> Everyone has different boundaries in marriage, I guess. I guard my marriage like a Rottweiler guarding a T-bone steak. There are no private conversions, texting anyone of the opposite sex unless it is a direct relative.


I agree.

In a past long-term relationship of mine, my then boyfriend at the time finally joined Facebook and within a few months, an ex-girlfriend he'd lived with back when he was 20 had reached out to him. He read her message to me and she'd included her phone number with it should he like to call and catch up, but he chose to reply on Facebook instead. He didn't try to hide it or do anything sneaky. He asked me to type back his response because the guy had HUGE man paws and just couldn't type or text without it being an exercise in frustration for him. LOL. I typed back his response for him and then the next day or so she replied back, and so it went over the next couple of weeks, messaging back and forth, just catching up on each others lives - nothing untoward at all. 

But I started to notice that her messages to him were becoming increasingly agitated and it became quite clear she was STILL furious - *30 years later *- that their barely-out-of-their-teens live-in relationship hadn't lasted due to him leaving her. They were kids for god's sake and she was STILL hopping mad 30 years later. I didn't even know HOW to respond to something that juvenile and we had to eventually shut that whole thing down as it was just becoming increasingly ugly and unhealthy and nothing positive was coming from it at all.

But my POINT is that he didn't hide this contact from me at any time nor did he call her and start talking to her one on one (we didn't know in the beginning she still had a lot of anger). He chose to respect me and keep the dialog open where I could see it (and type it..lol).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Legend said:


> Everyone has different boundaries in marriage, I guess. I guard my marriage like a Rottweiler guarding a T-bone steak. There are no private conversions, texting anyone of the opposite sex unless it is a direct relative.


Also, I am out of the business of playing investigator to find out whether there is some BIG and Legitimate misunderstanding as to why my husband must spend the weekends or anytime that should be us time FBing or messaging some unrelated woman.

IT's their job to help me to understand. Not the other way around.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

This is an emotional affair, no question. Get his phone, copy all of their communications and keep it in a safe place that only you can access. Then you confront and tell him it ends completely now. Then contact her and rip her. If he doesn't stop, take all of their communications and make them public to all of your friends and family and embarrass the sh1t out of him.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Legend said:


> Everyone has different boundaries in marriage, I guess. I guard my marriage like a Rottweiler guarding a T-bone steak. There are no private conversions, texting anyone of the opposite sex unless it is a direct relative.


Wow! Really? I'd never do that to the person I'm with. It would require them to cut off friends they've had for 20 or 30 years. I see why others may feel insecure, but to live like that would feel very caged to me. Not that I'm regularly texting any man, but I have friends and coworkers who I text. No big deal. I'd never do anything; I'm not that kind of person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Since you believe a BIG misunderstanding is possible here, give us some examples as to what that could be.


I don't know if it is possible. But she asked for our honest thoughts. And that is what I gave her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, I am actually going to go against the majority on this. Not about whether or not this is an emotional affair, but about how to deal with this. I honestly do believe that this is, at the *very least*, the beginning of an emotional affair. Where I differ from the majority is that I think you have discovered this in the very early stage, and if I were you, I would talk to him about it. In fact, I did exactly that with my own husband, who was texting inappropriately with a female friend. You aren't trying to keep him from speaking with *all* women, but this one is a problem, because of how he acts about it... he can't wait for the weekends. Why? Not because the work week is over, but because he is now able to talk to this woman. My husband was the same way. When I brought the subject up, we agreed, at first, to limited talking. Well, that didn't work (as you are now experiencing). I saw some exchanges between the two of them and told him that if we're going to work on our marriage *that particular friend* had to go. He had no problem with this... she, however, pitched a fit.

Anyway, I agree with jld about talking with your husband, but disagree about including the woman in the conversation. But, be aware, there is always the chance he could dismiss your concerns, or possibly hide it from you. Regardless... This early? I would definitely talk to him.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The *first *mistake in your thinking is that if things are 'good' in your marriage, he won't be tempted to cheat. Sadly, that ain't so - as you're clearly seeing. People cheat for a variety of reasons and it's naive, at best, to assume they only do it if the marriage is in a bad state.
> 
> Of course his 'friendship' with this woman is wildly inappropriate and he sounds like a love-sick teenage kid with a crush.
> 
> ...


Click-Clack....BAM!

Bullseye -----------------> WH's little-head takes a load of buckshot! ......replace the little "b" with a big "F" .....a dance around the censors.

Now, that which trills my vocals, then rolls off my tongue is a distinct but muffled murmur..........what a dip-sh!t WH is! 

@She'sStillGotIt still has a Good Eye and Aim(s). Aim-Men ! 

Gotta duck.....Click-Clack sounded again! My back slide is exposed. No typos here.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Begin again said:


> Wow! Really? I'd never do that to the person I'm with. It would require them to cut off friends they've had for 20 or 30 years. I see why others may feel insecure, but to live like that would feel very caged to me. Not that I'm regularly texting any man, but I have friends and coworkers who I text. No big deal. I'd never do anything; I'm not that kind of person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For some people (me for example) the no OSF boundary is a requirement to stay married. The partners need to decide what is more important to them:


The freedom to have any friends or relationships they desire,
Or remaining married to their partner
For you its not an issue and you can live with it and want that freedom. For others it's a deal breakers.

As far as the OP's case goes, she's got a big issue IMO.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> For some people (me for example) the no OSF boundary is a requirement to stay married. The partners need to decide what is more important to them:
> 
> 
> The freedom to have any friends or relationships they desire,
> ...


I agree about the no OSF, to an extent. But this is *only* in my marriage. For us, it is a case by case basis. The vast majority of OSF have been a non-issue, on both sides. But to cut off all because of one (or even two) is not sone5hing I would choose to do to my husband. We live by the rule that if the OSF is not a friend of the marriage, then contact ceases. 

I do agree that OP has a big issue, here. I disagree that, this early, she must sit on what she has seen and keep snooping. But, as with anyone else, this is my own experience, with a very similar situation, speaking. Hence, my advice to talk, but remain cautious of them continuing in secret.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, I am actually going to go against the majority on this. Not about whether or not this is an emotional affair, but about how to deal with this. I honestly do believe that this is, at the *very least*, the beginning of an emotional affair. Where I differ from the majority is that I think you have discovered this in the very early stage, and if I were you, I would talk to him about it.


Raising a flag for the "speak to him" camp.

I don't believe that being able to attach an EA label to your husband's friendship changes the situation much. The reality is that he has a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that is making you feel uncomfortable (enough to start checking his phone). Your concerns don't need to be "justifiable" to make them real. You are his wife and therefore his first priority. If this is simply about a behaviour of his that is making you feel insecure in his feelings for you, then his choice becomes clear. Don't let this be about controlling his friendships/life or about not trusting him. Let it be about how this is making you feel. He needs to know how much this is upsetting you. And he needs to know that you need him to stop. Completely.

And yes, I believe that your instincts are right. Listen to them. I ignored mine and deeply regret it.


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