# How do you recommend dealing with money in marriage?



## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

In another post, I talked about my husband being emotionally abusive and controlling. I’m a stay at home mom, no car( my parents took over my car payments because we couldn’t afford it 2 years ago), and my husband has been bugging me lately about getting a job (which is what I wanna do although for the first year I knew him, he was so adamant about taking “care” of me and me not having to work). So I’m on my search for a job, now we need day care, and I need a car. Him on the other hand, has a Dodge Ram with a pretty payment, 900 a month. In my other post, I also mentioned how he’s very frugal with his money now, something that he wasn’t a year ago. being a masterialistic girl, I don’t even get my nails or hair done, and I’ve even stopped doing a lot of my usual things and I’ve reverted to the cheaper things because I know he will be upset about me wanting the nicer things. Ugh idk how it even got to this, where I worry about him getting mad. Anyway, he is all for spending money on his truck and things he needs, and boat parts (he has a boat too, and a trailer that he’s had before I met him). He keeps making comments about how I can spend money when I “get a job” and if I say oh I need this he’ll say then get a job. Stuff like that and it’s bothering me! Anyway, when I do get an income, I’m worried he’ll want to control that too. What are some suggestions for double income in marriages? I want to say I’m more of a spender but I think he is too but he just doesn’t agree with what I like to buy.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Your husband sounds like an idiot, sorry but looking after his children is your job right now and an important one. He could cut back on his stuff for sure. For a young family, I say cut the extras this way you can continue to be at home with your children, if that is what you want. For him to say get a job if you want something is ignorant. I think you working outside of the home is going to cost you more in having to get another vehicle, day care, etc. Although the only reason I would recommendyou get a job is to get rid of your H and be a single mother.

You mentionedyou are both spenders....you have to save too. Sorry spending 900.00 per month on a depreciating vehicle is ridiculous. 

Do you own a home?

You say he is emotionally abusive to you, why are you with him???


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have been married twice, first time for 25 years and this time for 12. In both marriages we had joint accounts and everything we had was 'ours' and not 'his' or 'mine'. 

I just don't understand married people who want to keep their finances separate or insist on controlling their spouses spending while they spend a lot. 
In marriage it should all be joint money no matter who earns it.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I think in most cases, it's best to share finances. In your case, reading your last thread and this one- I would put your money in your own account if you can. 

Your H is paying $900/month on a truck when his wife and mother of his baby doesn't have a car. I'm not sure where you live, but where I live (east coast of USA), $900 is a ton of money per month for one vehicle. Both my H and I bought new cars in the last two years- one is a minivan, the other an SUV- and together our payments don't reach $900/month. In other words, if a couple can afford a $900/month car payment, you can have two new cars for that same amount- it is a matter of priorities. Your H also has other assets he could sell but he has chosen not to do so.

Right off the bat, then, I'm suspicious of his decision making/judgement and his priorities.

You are a mom. It would be nice if you could rely on your H to make good decisions, but objectively it looks like he doesn't. So it is going to be on you to ensure that you and your baby are OK. It might not happen today, it might take long-term planning, but you want to make sure that you are able to take care of yourself and your little one in the long run.

I'm not trying to say that your H is a bad guy. He is definitely having some bad behaviors right now, but he might mature in time as a husband and a father. It is stressful to carry the entire financial load. For many men, the ability to provide for their family is a point of pride; he might be embarrassed that he couldn't carry it off, at least not without changing his current level of living. 

But people do not change, for the most part, unless there is something causing the change to happen. As a normal human being, he is not going to just magically wake up one day, enlightened. He will change when he has to. Right now, he can be "the boss of you" because you are dependent on him. Some people - most people- only change when the power re-balances. Ensuring that you have funds that he can't access, ensuring that you have funds and aren't at his mercy for shelter, food, clothing, will be a powerful re-balance.

What kind of work are you looking for/is available to you? Do you have a marketable skill, like being a nurse? If so, great! If not, you might look for jobs at a day care center, where your own child care will be included or at least significantly reduced.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Sounds to me like there are more/deeper issues here than just money, but money problems alone can blow up your marriage quickly. Yes a $900 payment is insane if you personally don't have a car - at that price you could afford 2-3 reasonable car pmts. You two need to work together like Dave Ramsey and other experts indicate on the budget, finances, etc. if you want to make this marriage work. The first step is a conversation about the budget - where you are, what costs you will have if you get a job, how will expenses be handled and what can you not live without versus what you can cut out. Once you increase your means then you can add more as you go or stock money aside.

My first marriage I handled the finances and when she stayed home with our son, I gave her money each week but it worked (not a controlling thing). We did our best when money was tight and that included both of us forgoing materialistic things like big trucks, nails done, and boats. 

My current marriage we keep everything separate but communicate about house bills. We have our own personal budgets and a joint savings account we put money into but she handles her part and I handle mine. We don't need arguments about who is spending what on what. She was used to being on her own for a while and so was I. 

Also who will cover daycare? You, him or both?

Lots of conversations you need to have with him that will help you know what direction to go next.

Good luck,
Joe


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The way we manage money:

All income is put into a common account. All joint expenses come out of that pot (rent, food etc). Large expenses are by mutual agreement. Common entertainment (TVs, computers, dinner dates etc) come from that pot.

Then based on our budget we set aside "fun money". Equal for each. We can each spend that money on anything we want. 

For cars, we assume a car will last ~100K miles (we buy new). When someone needs a car, we price a generic practical car - we use a base Honda civic. Any car cost above that base care come out of "fun money".

This has worked for us for >30 years with very few problems.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Once you're married, it's not his money anymore, it's both of yours.

You don't need to listen to him when he makes these decisions about how to spend money.

You want something, go buy it. 

If you don't have access to the joint marital funds, that needs to change.


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