# Is it normal?



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

Hello 👋🏼, 
I’m not sure where to start and Im going to try and make this as short as possible. ( Please excuse the grammar).
My husband and I have been together 12 years married for ten. I can count on my two hands how many times we have been intimate. (No it’s not me that’s not wanting it and he does not have a medical issue). Ive tried talking to him several times about this. Ive tried getting him to see a therapist. We went to a marriage counselor a few times but he never followed through what the therapist suggested. Its taken all I have not to have an affair.
On top of it anything I ask him to do he pushes aside until I get upset and then that still only gets me him being pissy for a couple days but when he wants something done by me he expects it to be done. 
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of years now and she keeps asking me when am I going to meet my needs and be happy.My husband is a very hard worker. We own our own business and he is away from home six days a week. This isn’t either of our first marriage and we are raising my two and a galf year old grandnephew (Im 52) and have had him since birth. He knows us as Mom and Dad. So the big factors for me on why I feel Im stuck dealing with not making myself happy is 1.) I’m 52 and how am I ever going to afford my home, daycare and who is going to hire a 52 year old. 2.) The thought of starting over again scares the hell out of me 3.) I don’t feel like Im worth enough to make myself happy.
I feel guilty wanting intimacy and feeling like I matter. I want to be heard and I want to feel desired but the blocks are up way to high. 
Im just so lost.


----------



## SadOne1974 (Nov 10, 2020)

Is he not willing to go to therapy with you and fix this? If not I would seriously consider moving on.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No normal at all. Waited to have sex after marriage? If so, this is maybe a textbook case if why it’s not always the best idea...
If you did, why did you marry him, knowing how he was in that aspect?

last of all, I’m sorry your husband doesn’t understand or seem to care about your NORMAL need sexual intimacy, and I are not wrong for wanting that.
See about getting him a testosterone shot.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tell him if he doesn’t follow through with the therapist you have no choice but to seek it elsewhere. His choice.... you are giving him fair warning.

As in..... he will get on the phone today and make an appointment.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

To answer your question no it is not normal, do you know if he masturbates? Has he had his testosterone level check? Btw how old is he?


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

SadOne1974 said:


> Is he not willing to go to therapy with you and fix this? If not I would seriously consider moving on.


He said he would go back to marriage counseling but marriage counselor told us when we went last time he needs to seek out counseling to work in himself before he can work on us and he is not willing to do that.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Less than 10 times in 12 years?????

That’s not even human in my book. 

People are going to tell you to have his testosterone checked and to talk to him about it and to try to get him in to marital counseling etc.

But less than once a year for 12 years is pointless to try pursue.

Let’s say you have a 100% improvement in 2021. That means you will be intimate less than twice for the whole year.

He is a dud in bed. 

In order for him to go from dud to an even acceptable lover, you would have to load him into the Sexatronic Libido Reanimator and completely rearrange his entire sexual molecular structure. 

You choice is actually pretty simple and straight forward here - if you want a sex life, it is going to have to be with someone else.

Whether you stay in your current domestic situation and get it on the side or whether you leave is up to you. 

But what is certain is you aren’t going to be getting it from and even if you do, it likely won’t be any good anyway.


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> To answer your question no it is not normal, do you know if he masturbates? Has he had his testosterone level check? Btw how old is he?


Yes he masturbates. He had had full check up. He’s 56.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Grace68 said:


> He said he would go back to marriage counseling but marriage counselor told us when we went last time he needs to seek out counseling to work in himself before he can work on us and he is not willing to do that.


Then there’s your answer. 

This is a lost cause.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Grace68 said:


> Yes he masturbates. He had had full check up. He’s 56.


This means he simply does not want to have sex with you. 

I am sorry 😞


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Less than 10 times in 12 years?????
> 
> That’s not even human in my book.
> 
> ...


I know what your saying is true. It brakes my heart that I know where its going to end up if I want to have my needs emotionally, sexually and mentally met but I still hold on tight to the hopes it will magically get better. Although Im realistic enough to know there just that, magical hopes that wont happen.


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> This means he simply does not want to have sex with you.
> 
> I am sorry 😞


Well that one hit harder then expected and not gonna lie, brought tears to my eyes. 😢


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Tell him if he doesn’t follow through with the therapist you have no choice but to seek it elsewhere. His choice.... you are giving him fair warning.
> 
> As in..... he will get on the phone today and make an appointment.


I have and he blows up at me telling me how selfish I am and what a stupid thing to say 😢


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> No normal at all. Waited to have sex after marriage? If so, this is maybe a textbook case if why it’s not always the best idea...
> If you did, why did you marry him, knowing how he was in that aspect?
> 
> last of all, I’m sorry your husband doesn’t understand or seem to care about your NORMAL need sexual intimacy, and I are not wrong for wanting that.
> See about getting him a testosterone shot.


No we had sex before marriage. However we had long distance relationship. 1000 miles apart.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Grace68 said:


> I have and he blows up at me telling me how selfish I am and what a stupid thing to say 😢



You have nothing to work with here.

If you had said you had a great sex life for many years but that it had dropped off lately.. and if he was willing to discuss it and work on it, I would say you may have a fighting chance.

But you got nuth’n.

This is how and who he is. 

This actually makes it easier for you because it takes all of the “what if?s” out of the equation.

This is cut and dried binary - stay with him and keep living the way you have been (not entirely true as it will get worse as he ages)

- or get it elsewhere. 

Those are your choices. 

It’s whatever you chose to do for yourself because you aren’t going to be able to transform him into a lover.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Grace68 said:


> I know what your saying is true. It brakes my heart that I know where its going to end up if I want to have my needs emotionally, sexually and mentally met but I still hold on tight to the hopes it will magically get better. Although Im realistic enough to know there just that, magical hopes that wont happen.


This means you are currently still hooked on Hopium. 

If you are in therapy, you need to shift the emphasis to breaking your Hopium addiction and facing the reality.


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Grace68 said:


> Hello 👋🏼,
> I’m not sure where to start and Im going to try and make this as short as possible. ( Please excuse the grammar).
> My husband and I have been together 12 years married for ten. I can count on my two hands how many times we have been intimate. (No it’s not me that’s not wanting it and he does not have a medical issue). Ive tried talking to him several times about this. Ive tried getting him to see a therapist. We went to a marriage counselor a few times but he never followed through what the therapist suggested. Its taken all I have not to have an affair.
> On top of it anything I ask him to do he pushes aside until I get upset and then that still only gets me him being pissy for a couple days but when he wants something done by me he expects it to be done.
> ...


Never feel guilty wanting to be happy. Six days away at work is not conducive to a good marriage. This you know. Your H will need to make changes in his work or you will need to make changes in the marriage(D). Explain this to your H. The ball will be in his court. Be willing to lose the marriage to save it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Grace68 said:


> Well that one hit harder then expected and not gonna lie, brought tears to my eyes. 😢


But take heart, you're up to the challenges ahead. Make some plans solely about you and future you, divorced, making a better life. 

Don't let others say otherwise.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are those who stay and there are those who leave. You’ll have to decide which category you’re in.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have to say I am stumped as to his reason for not having sex with you.....and frankly his comment of being selfish goes directly to him not you....the fact he chose to make you feel like it’s your problem is very troublesome and deeply disturbing. If this relationship did not get any better would you stay in it?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There would be absolutely nothing that we keep me marooned on the No Sex Island. Go out and get the life you deserve.


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> There would be absolutely nothing that we keep me marooned on the No Sex Island. Go out and get the life you deserve.


If only it was that easy


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It may not be "that easy" but it certainly isn't impossible. Heck, it may not even be that hard. I walked away from two marriages to two alcoholics. (I was too stupid to learn from my first mistake.) I'm doing just fine. And it's wonderful to be rid of all the angst and emotional pain. Life is - and can be - good.


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> This means you are currently still hooked on Hopium.
> 
> If you are in therapy, you need to shift the emphasis to breaking your Hopium addiction and facing the reality.


That is definitely what Im working on. I just can’t see a clear way out of it right now raising a two year old. A lot of things will be hard for me know matter which way I choose.


----------



## Grace68 (Nov 21, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> It may not be "that easy" but it certainly isn't impossible. Heck, it may not even be that hard. I walked away from two marriages to two alcoholics. (I was too stupid to learn from my first mistake.) I'm doing just fine. And it's wonderful to be rid of all the angst and emotional pain. Life is - and can be - good.


I walked away from my first marriage with two little kids years ago. It was a struggle but I did it. That was thirty years ago. Now I am raising my Grandnephew at 52 and already having a hard time getting affordable daycare for the couple days I work at our business. I don’t know how or who would want to hire me at my age and how I would afford full time daycare and be able to afford my home. All this stuff I have to take into consideration.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you can't afford to leave, then you'll have to stay. But I wouldn't take a defeatist attitude if I wanted to get out bad enough. There are places who will hire someone who is 52. You may have to look harder, but if you want to succeed, you will. I had to stand at a Chic-fil-A in a mall food court for $9.50/hour when I left husband #2. I am well educated, but it was 2009 and the economy had tanked big time, so it was a matter of survival. Oh, and I had NO health insurance at that time and I also had cancer.

Bottom line: If you want to get out of the marriage and really want to leave, you'll quit making excuses and find a way to leave. Seriously.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sometimes people can’t afford not to leave. 

People leave when the pain and despair of staying outweighs the fear, insecurity and expense of leaving.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just want to tell you that you should be able to get a job. I mean as long as you have some experience at something. Whether it's enough money to afford child care and all that, maybe not. You could get a roommate. It will still be hard to make ends meet. I guess if your number one priority is raising a grand nephew that young, you may just need to be prepared to make the sacrifices to do it, which would be to stop bugging your husband about sex. I think you're far likely to be able to go get a job than you are to be able to just go out and get a new older man who will support you and a toddler . if I were you I would just make peace with the situation and be sure I had plenty of marital aids on hand. Or I'd be thinking about who should actually be raising that toddler.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> If you can't afford to leave, then you'll have to stay. But I wouldn't take a defeatist attitude if I wanted to get out bad enough. There are places who will hire someone who is 52. You may have to look harder, but if you want to succeed, you will. I had to stand at a Chic-fil-A in a mall food court for $9.50/hour when I left husband #2. I am well educated, but it was 2009 and the economy had tanked big time, so it was a matter of survival. Oh, and I had NO health insurance at that time and I also had cancer.
> 
> Bottom line: If you want to get out of the marriage and really want to leave, you'll quit making excuses and find a way to leave. Seriously.


Iron Woman .... your a tough one !!!!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Grace68 said:


> I have and he blows up at me telling me how selfish I am and what a stupid thing to say 😢


Then there you have it .... all you need to know is already laid out before you.

Not to sound mean but you sound like you don’t mind giving up all your power to him. I bet as soon as you chin up and get on with your life he will quickly either change his ways or you will realize he never cared for you.

Buy a new dress and go get your hair done. Retail therapy and a date is what you need.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Grace68 said:


> If only it was that easy


You can stay in this marriage in which case there is zero chance of you having the life you want. Or you can leave and have a good chance. 52 is not that old, still plenty of good years to give in an employers eyes, you've been married for a bit so you'll get spousal support I would assume. AND older ladies are all the rage with the younger guys, so plenty of opportunity to catch up on lost time.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Iron Woman .... your a tough one !!!!


Thanks, but actually, no, I'm not a particularly tough or strong woman. But I figured out long ago that if I was going to complain about a relationship and not work as hard as I could to change the situation, I really had only myself to blame. I also discovered my self-respect. And to this day, I'll be damned if anyone is going to disrespect my boundaries. I also wanted to have peace in my life.

Today I live in a peaceful home. I enjoy my life. I allow no one to dictate my happiness. That alone is mine to own. Nothing tough or special about me. I just decided that life is too damn short to allow anyone to make me miserable.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Thanks, but actually, no, I'm not a particularly tough or strong woman. But I figured out long ago that if I was going to complain about a relationship and not work as hard as I could to change the situation, I really had only myself to blame. I also discovered my self-respect. And to this day, I'll be damned if anyone is going to disrespect my boundaries. I also wanted to have peace in my life.
> 
> Today I live in a peaceful home. I enjoy my life. I allow no one to dictate my happiness. That alone is mine to own. Nothing tough or special about me. I just decided that life is too damn short to allow anyone to make me miserable.


Actually, that IS pretty special. How many people DO NOT do this -- DON'T defend their boundaries, constantly look to OTHERS to make them happy, etc..
Don't sell yourself short on that front!


----------



## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> This means you are currently still hooked on Hopium.


🏆

I’m sooo stealing this. .. lol


----------

