# Basic principles for a successful marriage



## Lady1010

Hi everyone,

I am a new one here, and in the entire realm of committed relationships for life. I am not sure I know what GOOD marriages are supposed to be like.

My parents are a good example, but there is a lot in their marriage that I disagree with. I need to see other examples to learn from. 

The problems I am going through right now in my relationship, push me to seek out more practical and realistic views of marriage and advice. (We're -emotionally- engaged and that is making us question our relationship to make sure that this IS the right decision, before we make our engagement official).

What I want to know from you is, how do you think a good, supporting, loving marriage works and is supposed to work? How about when things are difficult? What are things like and should be like when things are especially difficult?

I am trying to create a lense to see this through. I have a good understanding of how things should be (how I want them to be) when things are well. But I am not too sure I am all that aware of what it takes to make marriage work when things are difficult.

Before we started discussing marriage, things were easier to deal with. Both of us took the relationship one day at a time. We were happy to a large extent, but made some mistakes. Now we're paying the price. It is time to fix things up. They are becoming more visible now that we're thinking of merging our lives further.

I am looking for basic principles you live by to make your marriage work, especially when things aren't easy.

Thanks a bunch, in advance, for sharing your experiences and life lessons!


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## Threetimesalady

Read my Topic on marriage if you can find it...It may help....


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## Pandakiss

hi--
glad you found us.....
i think understanding of the other person will go a long way, also not sweating the small stuff.

its hard to give general advice, cuz everyone is different. and some things come in time of getting to know someone, and trusting them blindly. 

talk is key, knowing when not talking is ok and when its not.

i think if you are bombarded with a lot of info, it might scare you off of marriage.

i saw a book years ago, i was like 19, or 20 and it said sex is the answer to happiness...i said yea right, freaks....

but it kind of is in a since....but talking about everything and haveing an understanding they are how they are, and will not change who they are at the core.

i would say set rules and guidelines for things, how much time for video games, or phone time with friends...see now that sounds bad and controlling, but its not......

i dont think im helping, if you have a pacific subject that could use explaining, or if there was an arguement....

oh, always rehash old arguments---not start it up again, but talk about why you felt this way and why he felt that way. another thing my h and i did was we took "i" out of our vocaburlary...like, i did the dishes, so he says i worked a 8 hour shift, so you say i did too. we fliped it to every time "i" comes up flip that card over to say "you"....you did the dishes, you worked a 8 hour shift.

much harder to argue who did or didnt do what....

that didnt help did it....


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## LonelyNLost

I don't really think there is an ideal, as everyone's marriage is different and all work in different ways. We all go through ruts or points where we look back and wonder what went wrong. 

The biggest suggestion I have for you, and I wish someone would have given me 10 years ago, is to read the book 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. WOW! It really helped me understand myself, what I wanted and needed in a relationship, and then to help me see that everyone is different. It has opened the lines of communication up miraculously. It's basically figuring out what makes your spouse feel loved, and doing those things to show your love. Simple concept, but a total "ah ha" moment for both of us. Our marriage has turned around and we've totally reconnected in a short time.

I'm glad that you have realistic expectations, and that's a great start. It might be a good idea for you to do premarital counseling. A lot of churches offer it for very low cost. They do compatibility scores online and then counsel you on areas of challenge. 

Everything you hear is cliche and ideal in a sense, but when you are going through it, it's hard to put ideal into action. You know, like...

-Always make time for the two of you, even when you have kids and jobs and friends. 

-Make sure you communicate. Fight fair, no name calling. Conflict is healthy, but only if you talk about it and work it out.

-Don't go to bed angry.

-Don't use sex as a weapon. But don't neglect the importance of sex.

-Be respectful of each other at all times and sensitive to the feelings and needs of your spouse. My grandma always says, "Treat your spouse like you would a stranger" and it made me laugh but it does make sense.

-Above all, live life with no regrets. If you have something on your mind, say it. If you've said or done something you regret, tell your spouse.

-Have realistic expectations of your spouse. Communicate them. If boundaries in certain areas are part of your expectations, agree on them.

I wish you luck! This forum is an awesome place.


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