# she's just like her father



## wonder

my daughter's attitude and behavior is the same as my soon-to-be ex husband. she blames me for everything just like her father has been lately. all i do now is argue w/ her, again just like i've been doing w/ her father. he says i need to be strict w/ her. any stricter and i would be hitting her and i refuse to do that to her. she only listens to him and i try to handle her like he does, but it just doesn't work. the worst part is she's only 7 yrs old. how am i going to deal when she's a teenager?


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## GAsoccerman

Can you give me some examples of what she blames you for??

I think she blames you, becuase she is looking for a reaction, the reaction fuels the fire....

Give me an example of a "discussion or fight" between you and your daughter, tell me what she blames you for.

Also why are you getting a divorce?


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## GAsoccerman

ok scanned your other posts and got the reason for the divorce down...

So give me examples of what she blames you for...


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## wonder

a couple of examples 
she puts up a huge fight about wearing her winter coat to school. she wanted to wear her winter vest and a heavy shirt underneath. i told her a countless # of times that school won't let her go outside and i don't want her to get cold. after going through the same arguement for 2 months now i thought it was time for her to understand what i've been trying to say. so on a day that it wasn't really that cold (high 40s) she wore her vest (as did 1/2 her class) and the school wouldn't let her go outside for recess. of course she blames me right away. and then my husband blamed me until i told him about all the arguements. he actually took my side then, he usually doesn't.

this past weekend. fri, sat, and sun, she didn't want to eat what i cooked. the 1st night i said ok coz she's been sick. the second night her tooth was loose and came out when she took a bite (she's scared of losing teeth). she was so freaked out and it took me so long to calm her down that she fell asleep right away. the third night she "didn't like" what i made. i had made it before and she liked it then. i refused to give her something else so it took her till her bed time to eat, which she didn't finish. so she went to bed still a little hungry and blamed me for it.

she blamed me for her getting sick coz i let her play outside w/ her friend who had a cold and i didn't know about it.

that's just some examples. there are more, but that would be a book. 

i know she loves me, but i can't take anymore. my husband already puts all the blame on me for our marriage failing, i don't need his mini-me giving me the same attitude.

i talked w/ him about this last night and he talked to her about her attitude towards me. i don't know how much good it'll do though


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## humpty dumpty

shes a little girl whos lost and hurt scared off her future and has probably seen mummy and daddy arguing far to much.. She hitting out at you because she trusts you .
Be calm and keep telling her that you love her and will always be thier for her .
Be consistent dont let her have her own way and most of all keep strong she will get through this as will you xx good luck


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## GAsoccerman

Wonder,

I see what you are saying, but she is a 7 year old girl acting like one.

my kids also challenge me, my son has called me the most evil father on the planet and wished me dead maybe 100X 

they don't mean it, they are kids, it is your job to teach them right from wrong including the bumps in the road.

She blames you, becuase your hubby blames you, and you take it. I think you are being to sensitive, I bet she blames your hubby as well.

but she is 7.

Give her Options and let her make the decsion.

I tell my son, "Hey Connor it's cold out you might want to put a jacket on", he replies, "I am fine dad this sweatshirt is good enough" "OK, well if that's your decision that is fine, but don't come crying to me when your freezing your butt off!"

Same for food, he doesn't want to eat dinner, I don't argue with him, I just say "eat your food, if you don't eat it you can't go on the computer or play the WII!" so his decision again...to eat it or not have any luxury.

Make the decision the childs, but make sure they know it is their decision and have no one to blame but themselves.

Stop being a doormat.


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## Frustrated Single Mom

I feel your pain. I have never been close to my daughter because she is so much like my ex - unemotional and detached.
Now that she is 13 and her brother is 16, they have decided to talk down to me like their father. Needless to say, I sent him packing to live with his father and she is not far behind.
If you can, seek counseling now while she is still young, even if it is just for your own sanity.
Bless you, Frustrated Single Mom.


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## Junebug

I have to agree that she is just being a kid- a head strong, independant one, which will serve her well when she is older, however very frustrating now!! My oldest is a lot like your daughter- I have had to adjust a lot of things along the way. For example with the coat- fine, don't wear it, but you are taking it. Or you let her learn. And when she blames you that she didn't get to go outside at lunch... tell her- suck it up, Princess, you didn't take your coat like I said, you pay the consequences. Don't let her blame you for it, tell her outright that it was her choice not to take her coat, that was the result of the choice she made. You really have to stick with the consequences tho- she won't eat dinner, it's nothing until breakfast. Kids won't starve overnight. Or put it in the fridge, tell her it's there if she gets hungry but she gets nothing until breakfast until she's done her dinner- or at least made an effort at it.


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## onlylonelyone

She is just watching how you and your husband handled your issues. She has learned to treat you how her father does/how you have allowed. It is all she knows. Get counseling for her, and let her know you and your husband were WRONG for arguing in front of her and talking to each other that way. Make sure she doesn't feel any pressure to choose either one of you. Divorce is so horrible for a child, you both need to be better to each other in front of your daughter, you both need to say sorry to her and each other. If your divorcing then you should be at a point where you aren't killing each other anymore, and obviously accepted the fact your not going to stay married. All that should matter to either one of you is your daughters well being. Your adults, keep it private and away from your little girl. It is obvious the extreme pain she is in, and why she is acting out. She won't be like this as a teenager as long as she can get her true feelings out, and she feels safe with you and her Dad. It will get better, but I would'nt project things on her and assume this is just her personality. It probably isn't at all as she would have intended. Dr. Phil is right, when you fight, argue in front of the kids it changes who they were meant to be in life....


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## onlylonelyone

QUOTE=Frustrated Single Mom;40545]I feel your pain. I have never been close to my daughter because she is so much like my ex - unemotional and detached.
Now that she is 13 and her brother is 16, they have decided to talk down to me like their father. Needless to say, I sent him packing to live with his father and she is not far behind.
.[/QUOTE]




WOW


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## Oliemsmom

I am in the same situation, I have 2 girls one 9 and 1 - 6. They both talk to me disrespectfully. I know it is my fault because my husband and I constantly fight in front of them and they see how he desrespects me. I am at my witts end and am considering leaving. The problem now is that he has started to manipulate my 9 year old. He makes her do things she doesn't want to do - What I mean is that if she doesn't do what he wants he manipulates her into thinking she wants to do it! She played softball for a couple months, she hated it the entire time, but we wouldn't let her quit saying once you join something, you have to complete it. Now its over and traveling softball begins, she told me she didn't want to go - she hates it, i told him this and he had a hissy fit. Started yelling - what are the kids going to do all summer - she's a fat slob, and she's just going to sit around the house. I tried to say she is on the swim team, cheerleading and going to a reading comprehension class, but he didn't even hear it. She wasn't in the room when he called he a fat slob, but i know she heard him. Then he called her and had a private talk, next thing you know she is playing softball and blaming me for starting the argument. She said Mom, why do you always do this? I was stunned.....I said what do you mean? She said she wanted to play and he said I told her that he was forcing her. All I said was if you dont want to play tell your father that you dont want to play. I let it go. Then next morning i asked her are you playing or not - she said yes - I asked do you like it - she said -no- I said then why are you playing? She said so he would stop it and leave her alone. I said ok. We got ready for school and I asked both the girls a question " If you could change anything in your life what would it be?" My youngest said to eat junk food all day and then only have one healthy snack - STRAWBERRIES! - My oldest one said "TO BE SKINNY" - she's 9 - she shouldn't be thinking about that....should she! And he thinks she didn't hear him.....I dont know what to do. Im pissed! I was trying to reply to your situation but got caught up in my own - sorry


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## turnera

I would start up family counseling, before it gets worse. Tell him if he doesn't go, he won't be getting 'benefits' or something. But get him to go.


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## strawberry

i had something similar happened to me. same thing with the coat. i told him he needs it but he said its not "cool" enough. so i said, ok, don't take it. just wear whatever you want. when you get sick or can't go out for recess, don't come running to me or complaning about it because i told you to take it and i especially do not want to hear any complaning. usually, right before we got out the door, he said, ok mom i'll take my jacket. and i said, that's an excellent decision!. and drove him to school. but of coz the cycle continues 2 or 3 days later. 

on talking bad at me, he was probably around 7 or 8 yrs. i told him to not ever talk to me like that again. (said in a determine voice) or i will ground you for a week with no tv or wii or playstations and no snacks only healthy food snacks. and no going outside and play. basically, i take away what he loves to do and gives him what he dislike. now he's 10 and he have not talked back at me or says he hates me after that 1st time.(iit does hurt me deeply that my own child would say that to me after all the care and love i gave him...sigh) but we still argue about clothes.


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## AFEH

Hi Wonder,
Suggest you research 6, 7, 8 year olds behaviour. Your daughter’s behaviour is “Classic”. It is though an exceptionally important stage of their lives. Perhaps the most important, life defining stage of their life. Why? What they learn from you at this stage of their life, values, beliefs, behaviour etc. will be with them until their time has come to an end. What they learn now will define their life, their destiny.

For example, if you demonstrate patience and tolerance, she will learn and value patience and tolerance. If you demonstrate empathy and compassion, she will learn about and value empathy and compassion. Maybe think about the values you want your child to have and demonstrate them to her. It’s the only way they learn at this stage of their life. Later in life as they have more life experiences they have a choice, at this stage they don’t.

It is a trying time for a parent but it is a phase, normally about 12 months, that youngsters go through. It Is part of life, part of a child growing up and part of a parent being a parent. The next trying phase is when they enter the teenage years. The more they learn about good values and good behaviour, the easier the teenage years will be for both of you.

Hope this helps

Bob


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## turnera

That's true. But if the other parent is giving a different message, it can go askew.


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## AFEH

So very true. But if one of her parents demonstrates good values, beliefs and behaviours then at least she'll have half a chance to embody them in her own character so they become a way of life, a why of handling things in the future. It is so much better though when both parents work together on it.

As a youngster I used to steal things. As a teenager I had a paper round and stole a pack of cards from the shop. My mum caught me out but didn't tell me at the time. She had a chat with my dad and they decided to take me round to the shop and I was to tell the manager what I'd done. He said he was disappointed in me, thought I was one of the good ones. He suggested I work a month without pay, bless him. My parents said no, it's three months without pay, bless them. While I felt betrayed by my parents, I learnt the consequences of being a thief. I was very honest from that day on. They did the right thing by me. Sometimes it takes tough love to install good values and beliefs in our children.

Bob


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## turnera

Bob, that is so funny. When I give advice about affairs, I very often use this analogy when talking about exposing it and giving consequences to the wayward (because everything is always only about psychology, really):
If a boy steals candy and the parent finds out on the way home and just slaps his hand and says 'don't do that again!', do you think he'll steal again? Highly likely. But if he steals it, and the parent takes him back and makes him apologize and then work to pay off the candy, do you think he will steal again? Not likely.


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## AFEH

Ha Turnera! Because of that experience I developed an exceptionally strong dislike of personal injustice. If someone falsely accused me of something boy would I stand up for myself, headmasters, everyone. But then again if I was guilty as charged I’d put my hand up and respond with honesty no matter what the personal consequences. I always found the punishment and consequences were far less severe. Since then I’ve always been that way. Honesty, integrity, authenticity I think is the best way to live no matter what the consequences to us personally.

On the other hand one of my wife’s family’s mottos was “Do whatever you like just don’t get caught”. If I did catch her out in a lie or a deception her first approach was to deny, if that didn’t work she’d blame me and if that didn’t work she’d minimise the impact, the affect on me of whatever it was she’d been caught out in. It was crazy making, very much like a 7 year old, quite unbelievable behaviour based on some seriously skewed values from way back. My wife also had some exceptionally good values and beliefs and those along with my love for her kept me with her for so very long. I truly wish my wife had learnt the value of “just being honest”. In the end I just lost my trust in her, authenticity and fidelity suddenly left the marriage.

I didn’t truly learn the value of forgiveness until I was in my mid 50s and took a look at my life’s history. I realised that just like my dad I too made mistakes as a parent with my sons. But none of the things I did wrong were deliberate, conscious. It was quite a burden so I learnt to forgive myself. I then went to my fathers grave and forgave him, it was quite cathartic for me.

My wife never learnt the value of forgiveness and because of that became a bitter and resentful woman just like her mother. Pity that.

If we demonstrate and thereby install good values in our children they will last them a lifetime. It is an investment in our children, an investment that will pay magnificent dividends one way or another.

Bob


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