# 20 Years and Sexless



## litaf201 (Feb 25, 2013)

So I have been in the same relationship, not married but living together for 20 years. Sex started out kind of slow, not as much as I wanted or expected. But as the years went on it got better, about 10 years ago it was great!!! We had toys and porn and just fun every week.

Well about 7 years ago he discovered video games and I got pushed aside, I was so devastated. Friday nights were always our night, and it became Call of Duty night. Since then, nothing has been the same. I have come damn close to having an affair a couple of times. Flirtation has become my middle name and I love when a man pays attention to me (I am attractive for my age and I have men of all ages coming up to me all the time). We rarely have sex, he is always busy with something. I know he watches porn alone, I have checked to see if he has been talking to other people but can't find any proof. Maybe he is just comfortable and feels like I am his mother at this point. It makes me so sad that we live like roommates and it is usually the other way around where men complain no sex from the wife. I have tried to talk, wear sexy lingerie, screamed, cried, I don't know what else to do. We have been to counseling a couple times but never seem to get anywhere. I have kind of given up and almost feel resentful when he has sex with me...its so mechanical and he rarely even looks at me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tell him that if he's not going to give it to you, you're going to have to go and find it somewhere else.

If he's ok with that, you know where you stand.


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## litaf201 (Feb 25, 2013)

Ha, ha, already tried that...pisses him right off!!!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This is not a classic low desire / high desire situation - he is interested in sex in the form of porn.

Do you think he is easily addicted - to games, to porn etc? Any substance abuse history?

Some people can watch porn without any problems but for others it becomes an addiction that replaces sex with real people. 

Does he recognize that he has a problem if he is using porn but not having sex with you?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Time to set a boundary and enforce it. Either he starts providing the time and attention you need in a relationship, or you are leaving the relationship.

I suggest you come up with some very specific items. For example, eat meals together with the tv off every night. He initiate sex at least 1x per week, and he not turn you down for sex except very rarely (he is allowed to be sick or not in the mood once in a while, but not often). He spends time with you on joint projects every week, such as chores, lawn maintenance, painting the basement, etc. You have a date night once per week where you go do something without distractions such as phones, kids, etc. It can be cheap like a bike ride, or a drink while listening to a local band at the bar, it doesn't have to be an expensive night out.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Been thinking about this one for you most of the day. My advice, while a bit devious should help modify his behavior...

*Step one:* Compliment him on topics where he needs improvement. For example if he gives you a quick hug on his way out the door, smile and tell him he is super handsome.

*Step two:* Criticize the crap out of him for behaviors that you do not like, but in a way that would normally insight self improvement in the form of hazing. For example hang out with him when he is playing video games and tell him he is a horrible player and that he is such a p***y by letting any other players be better than him, and buy him a girly controller because you think it will conform better to his playing style:








*Step three:* Compliment his friends on their ability to be much better video games than your SO, and ask them to go easy on him and perhaps give him a handicap so he can win some more, because you really miss seeing him happy.

*Step four:* Criticize the porn you know he watches and tell him that all the free stuff is just a bunch of sh** that morons watch! Have your friends recommend a super disturbing hardcore sight, buy him a membership so that he can finally watch some "real" porn, and have all his friend tease him about it! Tell him it is OK that he might not enjoy the real porn and that you can ask his friend to recommend something a little much more tame like the government censored stuff from japan, but still make fun of him for it in front of his friends.

*Step five:* Tell him that he is getting very out of shape and encourage him to exercise with you, and compliment his ability to make a change!

*Step six:* Tell him you don't want sex with him and play hard to get!

*Step seven: *Criticize his ability to make love to you, while at the same time awkwardly complimenting him for being handsome. 

*Step eight:* Enjoy your new lifestyle as he will be putty in your hands!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

My take......you're NOT married to him. Do what you want.
If you were married, it'd be a completely different ballgame, in my opinion.
You ARE just roommates!!


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Sounds like he's a porn addict. Unless he gets help, it will get worse. Show him the "your brain on porn" site. 

I don't think you should threaten an affair, you should consider ending the marriage.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Flush the turd. It reeks.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

flyer said:


> My take......you're NOT married to him. Do what you want.
> If you were married, it'd be a completely different ballgame, in my opinion.
> You ARE just roommates!!


That's what I was going to say. He didn't want to put a ring on your finger and make it legal so you have every right to see other men since he isn't taking care of business at home.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Vulcan2013 said:


> Sounds like he's a porn addict. Unless he gets help, it will get worse. Show him the "your brain on porn" site.
> 
> I don't think you should threaten an affair, you should consider ending the marriage.



They aren't married. She owes him NOTHING!!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

litaf201 said:


> We rarely have sex


How often is "rarely"? Once a month when you want once a week? Once a week when you want once a day? More information needed.


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## litaf201 (Feb 25, 2013)

Okay, to make it clear it's erratic, sometimes once every two weeks, sometimes not for months. We have no children and can do whatever we want. I would like at least twice a week, but at this point I am so sick of whining and crying about it, it just makes me feel desperate when I have men constantly coming on to me. I think someone was on to something about addiction, he really has no real friends and most of the people in his life are only allowed in when he wants something. He's really bad about anything interpersonal. I think anything not dealing with real people (video games, porn) works much better for him. I have my problems too, I drink on Saturday nights (sometimes a lot) in the summer time (in the winter I don't drink much at all but that doesn't change anything) and he hates that..
He's said things to me like come to bed naked (which I have) and usually that doesn't work if he has something else going on (now it's building a car). If we didn't live together I don't think we would be together at this point, I need to feel wanted and they only way I get that now is with the flirtations I have (and I feel totally guilty about it) but I don't want to be 60 years old and wake up and think "what the hell did I do with my life"?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're known as a "CoD Widow", and it has nothing to do with being married. 

Throw this one back and find a man that has a higher drive.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he needs to stop taking you for granted. that's a no brainer.

but how?

I guess you've got to just tell him straight out you're leaving and mean it.
get off your damn video games and start courting her again!

thats (IMHO) the biggest marriage/LTR buster there is. start taking each other for granted.


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## Pkwanderer (Aug 3, 2014)

Loose him and get someone else. If he's not interested, then move on, he's an idiot not you. You have still in it to have fun and live life to the fullest, so have the time of your life and leave the looser behind. And, most importantly, don't look back. Stop wasting your life, your future doesn't lay in the rear view mirror.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

litaf201 said:


> So I have been in the same relationship, not married but living together for 20 years. Sex started out kind of slow, not as much as I wanted or expected. But as the years went on it got better, about 10 years ago it was great!!! We had toys and porn and just fun every week.
> 
> Well about 7 years ago he discovered video games and I got pushed aside, I was so devastated. Friday nights were always our night, and it became Call of Duty night. Since then, nothing has been the same. I have come damn close to having an affair a couple of times. Flirtation has become my middle name and I love when a man pays attention to me (I am attractive for my age and I have men of all ages coming up to me all the time). We rarely have sex, he is always busy with something. I know he watches porn alone, I have checked to see if he has been talking to other people but can't find any proof. Maybe he is just comfortable and feels like I am his mother at this point. It makes me so sad that we live like roommates and it is usually the other way around where men complain no sex from the wife. I have tried to talk, wear sexy lingerie, screamed, cried, I don't know what else to do. We have been to counseling a couple times but never seem to get anywhere. I have kind of given up and almost feel resentful when he has sex with me...its so mechanical and he rarely even looks at me.


Have you ever talked to him about any off this ???
And I don't mean talk I mean A deep down to each other soal kida conversation about this ??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

litaf201 said:


> Okay, to make it clear it's erratic, sometimes once every two weeks, sometimes not for months. We have no children and can do whatever we want. I would like at least twice a week, but at this point I am so sick of whining and crying about it, it just makes me feel desperate when I have men constantly coming on to me. I think someone was on to something about addiction, *he really has no real friends and most of the people in his life are only allowed in when he wants something. He's really bad about anything interpersonal. I think anything not dealing with real people (video games, porn) works much better for him.* I have my problems too, I drink on Saturday nights (sometimes a lot) in the summer time (in the winter I don't drink much at all but that doesn't change anything) and he hates that..
> He's said things to me like come to bed naked (which I have) and usually that doesn't work if he has something else going on (now it's building a car). If we didn't live together I don't think we would be together at this point, I need to feel wanted and they only way I get that now is with the flirtations I have (and I feel totally guilty about it) but I don't want to be 60 years old and wake up and think "what the hell did I do with my life"?


He sounds like a real keeper!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

litaf201 said:


> So I have been in the same relationship, not married but living together for 20 years. Sex started out kind of slow, not as much as I wanted or expected. But as the years went on it got better, about 10 years ago it was great!!! We had toys and porn and just fun every week.
> 
> Well about 7 years ago he discovered video games and I got pushed aside, I was so devastated. Friday nights were always our night, and it became Call of Duty night. Since then, nothing has been the same. I have come damn close to having an affair a couple of times. Flirtation has become my middle name and I love when a man pays attention to me (I am attractive for my age and I have men of all ages coming up to me all the time). We rarely have sex, he is always busy with something. I know he watches porn alone, I have checked to see if he has been talking to other people but can't find any proof. Maybe he is just comfortable and feels like I am his mother at this point. It makes me so sad that we live like roommates and *it is usually the other way around where men complain no sex from the wife*. I have tried to talk, wear sexy lingerie, screamed, cried, I don't know what else to do. We have been to counseling a couple times but never seem to get anywhere. I have kind of given up and almost feel resentful when he has sex with me...its so mechanical and he rarely even looks at me.


I think that the first thing you need to realize is that the part I bolded and underlined is no true. Men are a likely to make a marriage sexless as women are. Neither sex has a monopoly on this. If you want some insight into this there is a book that might help you get some perspective: Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's not going to change. What you see is what you get. 

Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? For your own emotional wellbeing you really should not be subjecting yourself to this kind of hurt.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Litaf Sorry that you are going through this. Is there anything at all that turns him on? Good luck and i hope things work out


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