# Friendly Divorce?



## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I am curious, I read alot of the negatives and my own parents were divorced (dad several times). Has anyone experience a divorce firsthand where you both cared about each other, wanted to remain friends, and just parted ways? I love my wife but more like a good friend. There is zero desire from me and no desire to continue to move forward as H&W. If you wounder, there was a graphic EA that might have gone further had I not found out, W also has many issues and I have been the one to take care of them but never any help or support for me from her. I forgave and have moved forward but after 2 years of trying (her dad also died last year which is why I kept putting this off) to connect I can not.

Anyway, I have no hate for her (we also have 2 kids) and she still loves me greatly (or so she says but I know alot is the fear of being alone and stresses she never had to deal with are likely part). I just wonder how many are good friends after their divorce? I know it's rare but my parenets (after several years) were good friends. I think even after the divorce I wouldnt even feel weird handing out but I know I could never llok at her more than that. I just wondered more first hand what to expect.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I think it's rare but it could happen. We're hoping for am amicable friendly divorce and one that we'll do ourselves as we can't afford lawyers. I don't know how it's all going to end up. I certainly hope it ends up being friendly because I don't think I can handle the stress of an ugly divorce. I guess it's something you both have to make a decision to do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Just curious about what you did in those 2years. If you've had feelings for your wife before, you CAN have them again. It can never happen, though, if you just trot along hoping for the memories of the hurt and betrayal to just go away. Without a plan, recovery is almost impossible.

I'm sorry if I seem unsympathetic. I'm actually going through a divorce myself with a wife who has been unfaithful. Your situation just seems like one with promise if you do the things necessary. Im extremely pro-marriage and never want to see people divorce. 

The best book I've read on recovering after an affair, whether emotional or physical was "Surviving An Affair". I think it would help you understand what you're feeling, but most importantly, it includes a proven recovery plan.

I will leave you with a quote I read months ago,

"Marriage is about falling in love over and over again BUT always with the same person."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Read it too. I asked cause I cant imagine not being friendly with my wife, I dont hate her (usually, even then hate is a strong word). 

Feelings before my wife? That is something I ask myself often. I had feelings for her, but what kind? We married at 19/20 when I got her preggers. from that point forward it was a life of financial struggles (shes a spender), struggles between her and her family, and struggles between her and mine (she just didnt want them around). It was that almost nonestop so I dont think I ever had a chance to think about her and I, always was taking care of her issues. Plus she kept me alienated from my family and never had friends since she would always seem to find issues with who we hung out with. Well before the EA we were distant though I tried and she tried. After the EA I just didnt care enough to put up with the other issues on top of that. What did we do? Nothing, she did answer every question I had and tried to move forward/put it in the past. Her? She heard all I said, didnt want to talk to anyone about it, stopped the EA (after a few issues), listened to all of the issues I had about our PRE-EA marriage. Me? I talked to some people, read alot of books, and tried to do what they all said (planned trips for just us 2, focused on our time, etc) 

I think the issue was just there were alot of pre-ea issues and I was grasping to hold on. I've brought them up many times over our 17 years. Sometimes a nasty response, sometimes a short term change.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Did you stick with any one plan or did you try to implement this and that from several books? That doesn't usually work. Were you consistently using what you learned or was it just when you felt like it? 

Please don't think I'm trying to come down hard on you. Just trying to give some food for thought. Marriage is HARD! Trust me, I know. I'm just one of those with the "never give up" mentality. But I guess the most important aspect of your situation is that there is no longer a desire. I can try to offer advice, but desire is what I can't give you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## creeo (Jul 31, 2011)

Yes, it is possible. My husband and I were married for 16 years and just recently completed our legal separation after being apart for over a year. We did so without lawyers and even managed to share jokes and laugh while trying to divide our assets. We usually talk 2 or 3 times a week, even yesterday he called me to find out how I made out with my car repairs. I think what helped us is that we are both in the same place, knowing that our marriage is over. Maybe it's different for us because there were no affairs, we had a pretty good marriage for the most part, we just grew apart, to use that old cliche lol. We both have relationships with other people now but still value the friendship that we have together. The separation took a lot of compromise on both our parts, but we share a common goal- the happiness and well being of our daughter.
I think when both people have finally let go of any hope of reconciliation it is more than possible to remain close friends. My husband is still the person who knows me the best, can practically read my mind, and still has my best interest at heart, as I do for him. There's no bitterness, just a sense of loss and sadness, but also hope for the future.
Good luck to you, I hope everything works out and that you and your wife can maintain a friendship


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Did you stick with any one plan or did you try to implement this and that from several books? That doesn't usually work. Were you consistently using what you learned or was it just when you felt like it?
> 
> Please don't think I'm trying to come down hard on you. Just trying to give some food for thought. Marriage is HARD! Trust me, I know. I'm just one of those with the "never give up" mentality. But I guess the most important aspect of your situation is that there is no longer a desire. I can try to offer advice, but desire is what I can't give you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont mind hard advice. Yes it was a little (really alot) of this and that. Tried to implement everything. I didnt look at her with desire before the EA but had a desire to make it work out. In my mind I wondered what would be after the kids left. I wanted to wait it out for them. After the EA that little bit was lost too. I went away for work and had some time to reflect and be myself for the first time in forever. Not myself just meaning being happy and enjoying people, nothing bad. I just realized that I was not being true to myself, I reconnected with my mother and was able to share with her (first time I have felt I had someone there for me since married).


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Creeo, thanks for your post. Your words are encouraging. We're in a similar situation in that I think we've mostly grown apart. He pulled some crap on FB that I didn't appreciate, but am willing to put that behind us IF we were to try to reconcile. I think he's going through some middle age stuff that he needs to work out on his own. I try to hold out a little hope that we can work this out, but the realist in me thinks not. If we aren't able to I think our divorce will go as yours has...I hope anyway.


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

My unfaithful wife pulled the same line to me too. I've sort of been playing along and agreed. But I really just did it to keep things civil until we are 100% divorced. After that? psh... I can't see being a friend to such betrayal.

My hope is that when I find my next relationship I'm telling my ex-wife to stay the hell out of my life. After all, I owe her a 'shock' in life after what she did to me. That's just my situation though


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