# Dating Question



## Lifeiscomplicated (Sep 27, 2016)

I have two girlfriends, one is in her late 40's and the other lady is in her early 50's both single. One has never been married or has kids and hasn't had a boyfriend in the last 3 years and the other lady hasn't had a relationship since her marriage ended in her late 20's, her choice though while bringing up 2 children as a single mum. Both ladies are very attractive, have great figures and terrific personalities and are financially independent but neither one can find a suitable man to date let alone have a LTR. 

How difficult is it for women and men in their mid to late 40's, 50's, 60's and over to find someone suitable to have a LTR in this day and age? Is online dating the only way to go these days?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> I have two girlfriends, one is in her late 40's and the other lady is in her early 50's both single. One has never been married or has kids and hasn't had a boyfriend in the last 3 years and the other lady hasn't had a relationship since her marriage ended in her late 20's, her choice though while bringing up 2 children as a single mum. Both ladies are very attractive, have great figures and terrific personalities and are financially independent but neither one can find a suitable man to date let alone have a LTR.
> 
> How difficult is it for women and men in their mid to late 40's, 50's, 60's and over to find someone suitable to have a LTR in this day and age? Is online dating the only way to go these days?


*I'm all too fearful that while we unattached, often lonely geriatrics still have the pursuit of finding ultimate, endearing love in our hearts, that somewhere along the way, we all become a little jaded or untrusting, or preeminently, just too set in our ways!
*


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I am in my late 30s and I have no problems dating, the problem is finding a decent man.

I find that men now are just so over their last relationship that they just want to have fun (get laid).
The other type of men that I have found claim that they are amazing guys but when I get to know them they are bitter and hung up on the crap their ex's put them through.

If you want them to find someone, yes online dating is probably the only way to go.
Make sure they go with a reputable site (stay away from POF) because I think that the guys that pay for the site are more serious in finding a partner. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> How difficult is it for women and men in their mid to late 40's, 50's, 60's and over to find someone suitable to have a LTR in this day and age? Is online dating the only way to go these days?


I met my wife at the end of 2012 and I'm 45 now. We met on Plenty of Fish of all places. Before we met I probably dated 20 or so women from PoF. But when my wife and I did meet, I knew she was the one for me. She said she knew the same during our first date. 

Finding the right woman is a daunting task and takes patience. I don't find online dating sites to be bad - just the opposite. I see them as tools to help you meet people.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Lifeiscomplicated said:


> How difficult is it for women and men in their mid to late 40's, 50's, 60's and over to find someone suitable to have a LTR in this day and age? Is online dating the only way to go these days?


For me, on-line dating was not the way to go. At age 40, I returned to the US and found that my friends were all married. Before that, I was able to get dates and had a healthy sense of self-confidence. After turning to on-line dating, my confidence took a real shot. I probably sent out more than 20 messages (messages showing that I took the time to read their profiles) with zero replies. I have a nice house, good stable job, and am physically fit, so I kept wondering what was wrong with me. I then went out and met my future wife in person, but always wondered why I had zero luck with on-line dating sites.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Difficulty depends on a variety of factors, many of which are demographic. What is the size of the single population in the area, and what is the proportion of each gender in the age range in question? There are some distinct differences between the two coasts in the USA, for example, that make it easier for women in one over the other, where men have greater selection. Men over 50 seem to have an easier time than women over 50, and that advantage seems to increase with age.

Anyway, that's statistics, and dating is an individual pursuit. Given that they are attractive and financially independent, what they have to offer, and their personality weigh heavily in attracting someone of similar qualities. Unless they have a large social circle with people who will play matchmaker, then their best bet is OLD. I had great success on match, and ******* was fairly good. For both men and women, though, I think you have to meet a lot of frogs along the way to finding a good match - unless you are very lucky AND have a very good sense of what makes a good match.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> so I kept wondering what was wrong with me. I then went out and met my future wife in person, but always wondered why I had zero luck with on-line dating sites.


Chances are there's nothing wrong with you. You have to remember the ratio of men to women on those dating sites is probably around 2 to 1, maybe higher. Women typically don't have to do the chasing because they are receiving a zillion messages from lots of interested guys. What I found worked for me was making my profile and my introductory email unique and standing out from the rest of the crowd. I used a lot of humor in my profile and that seemed to work.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I found that OLD was an absolute cesspool, and I have no desire to jump in there again.

I met my current beau (who I think is a keeper, but he's definitely scared of commitment, which is another issue altogether) at a singles happy hour hosted by a mutual friend. I would zero in on the fact that we met through a mutual friend, not the singles happy hour thing. She was intent on introducing us, so it could have easily happened another way. At the time, I had sworn of internet dating--I shut down all my profiles a few weeks earlier--and in general, I decided that I wasn't even going to actively pursue dating because in general it was just frustrating and felt like a waste of time. I would rather spend that time focusing on myself, my interests, and my friends. For his part, he wasn't even interested in meeting someone--he had decided, when he got divorced, that he never wanted a girlfriend or a relationship ever again. But then I happened.

While I was out in the dating world, I found that a lot of the men in my eligible dating pool were, well, TBH, damaged. I hate to use that term, but it's most accurate; a lot of the men I met simply weren't emotionally available or ready for a healthy relationship. Even with my current beau, there are a lot of issues that he and I are working through, slowly. He has asked me to be patient with him, and I have been, even though it has been difficult at times. I see that he is worth the time and effort, and that he is scared but he is also open to change and growth, and he is trying. That's the big difference between him and the other men that I've met--he knows he has limitations and baggage, but he wants to overcome them. He also saw much of the same in me, I think. So we are growing and learning together.


If, for some reason, things with him implode, I will go back to focusing on me. The odds are just very slim, and I will be happier alone and doing my own thing than sifting through a bunch of duds trying to find the one that isn't a dud. The good ones are hard to find, and they get snatched up quickly.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

CanadaDry said:


> Chances are there's nothing wrong with you. You have to remember the ratio of men to women on those dating sites is probably around 2 to 1, maybe higher. Women typically don't have to do the chasing because they are receiving a zillion messages from lots of interested guys. What I found worked for me was making my profile and my introductory email unique and standing out from the rest of the crowd. I used a lot of humor in my profile and that seemed to work.


I'm glad the humor worked out for you. I later once changed my headline to "Click here for a possible date and a free bag of peanuts". At least I made myself laugh. 

Fortunately for me, I had just enough success out in the real world, that I am not ashamed to admit that I had never received any replies to my on-line dating messages.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> I'm glad the humor worked out for you. I later once changed my headline to "Click here for a possible date and a free bag of peanuts". At least I made myself laugh.
> 
> Fortunately for me, I had just enough success out in the real world, that I am not ashamed to admit that I had never received any replies to my on-line dating messages.


You know, it seems like every guy claims that women have it so much easier with online dating. But I didn't get many messages, and most of my sent messages received no reply. So...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> You know, it seems like every guy claims that women have it so much easier with online dating. But I didn't get many messages, and most of my sent messages received no reply. So...


Thanks. That's good to know. Not many people share their lack of success in something. The fact that you did is a sign that you have a lot going for you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> While I was out in the dating world, I found that a lot of the men in my eligible dating pool were, well, TBH, damaged. I hate to use that term, but it's most accurate; a lot of the men I met simply weren't emotionally available or ready for a healthy relationship. Even with my current beau, there are a lot of issues that he and I are working through, slowly. He has asked me to be patient with him, and I have been, even though it has been difficult at times. I see that he is worth the time and effort, and that he is scared but he is also open to change and growth, and he is trying. That's the big difference between him and the other men that I've met--he knows he has limitations and baggage, but he wants to overcome them. He also saw much of the same in me, I think. So we are growing and learning together.


This is one of the reasons I've stayed married. I've been so damaged by my current marriage I don't think I could ever find anyone I would allow myself to trust. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be with my wife either but the amount of money I would lose in a divorce and my inability to trust anyone would make make things difficult if not impossible in the dating world.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> Thanks. That's good to know. Not many people share their lack of success in something. The fact that you did is a sign that you have a lot going for you.


Thanks, thought I wasn't fishing for a compliment! I've realized that the type of man that I would be interested in--and who would be interested in me--simply won't be found on a dating site.

One can't learn from failures without recognizing and admitting to them.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> This is one of the reasons I've stayed married. I've been so damaged by my current marriage I don't think I could ever find anyone I would allow myself to trust. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be with my wife either but the amount of money I would lose in a divorce and my inability to trust anyone would make make things difficult if not impossible in the dating world.


Your posts make me sad, jb. You would rather be in an unhappy marriage than be alone? Being alone can be awesome. I'm glad that I've found I can share my life with--for now, at least; who knows what the future holds--but being alone and on my own has been great. So much better than an unhappy marriage.

It _is_ hard to recover from an unhappy marriage--I'm still dealing with some of the fallout, and imagine that I will for some time--but it can be done. And there are a lot of good women out there, jb. You would have to work on your damage to have a healthy relationship with one, but there are a LOT of good women out there.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Recently out of a failed relationship with a man I met online. I met several online before him and yes, they were all mostly damaged. But aren't we all. 

I'm 37, have one failed 12 year marriage behind me, and now another nearly 4 year failed relationship. Awesome track record. Lol!

I'm facing being alone forever, but honestly with all I've been through that prospect isn't as scary nor undesirable as I once perceived.

I've been told by my parents, friends, and co-workers that I am an awesome catch and no one can understand why I have ZERO desire to pursue a dayum thing at the moment or in the forsee able future. 

Having done the online dating thing, I likely won't go there again. While I met some cool guys (some really weird ones too,) I just don't see the results being any different now than they were then.

I live in a decently rural area and don't really have a rural mindset. My values don't jive with a lot of the people in my area. I have a 13 year old son still at home in a very good school district, so I don't plan on moving right now either.

When he graduates and spreads his wings perhaps I will move closer to ATL where I might have more opportunities to meet someone.

I don't WANT to be alone forever, but having been in nothing but not-so-great relationships.......I would rather be alone than unhappy. 

No one ever said life is fair! Lol!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Your posts make me sad, jb. You would rather be in an unhappy marriage than be alone? Being alone can be awesome. I'm glad that I've found I can share my life with--for now, at least; who knows what the future holds--but being alone and on my own has been great. So much better than an unhappy marriage.
> 
> It _is_ hard to recover from an unhappy marriage--I'm still dealing with some of the fallout, and imagine that I will for some time--but it can be done. And there are a lot of good women out there, jb. You would have to work on your damage to have a healthy relationship with one, but there are a LOT of good women out there.


Makes me sad to but I'm just one of those who can't be alone. It would take I don't know what to even start to be able to trust someone again. I know there's alot of great women out there but I don't that I would be able to justify wasting their time in my current state. You don't get over being hurt as long as I have without thinking that someone else will just do the same thing to you. You say that for your current relationship you are ok with who knows what the future holds. I don't think I could do that.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Makes me sad to but I'm just one of those who can't be alone. It would take I don't know what to even start to be able to trust someone again. I know there's alot of great women out there but I don't that I would be able to justify wasting their time in my current state. You don't get over being hurt as long as I have without thinking that someone else will just do the same thing to you. *You say that for your current relationship you are ok with who knows what the future holds.* I don't think I could do that.


For most of my life, I wouldn't have been able to do that, either. It was surviving my divorce and working on myself that got me to the point of being ok with it, and not being so hung up on the future of the relationship that I'm in right now.

Getting divorced, well, before it happened, it was the worst possible thing that I could imagine happening in my life. I didn't think that I would survive it. God, the emotional anguish that I suffered through was so horrible that I thought I would die from it. I mean, literally. I couldn't see anything beyond it but black.

But I got through it. I survived. Not only did I survive, but I *thrived* without the soul-sucking spectre that was my XH. Sure, there are certain things that are harder now, like living on two incomes is easier than just one, but I make it work. But part of that was that I needed to face my own sh!t, my own baggage, my own issues. I needed to deal with what got me into such a bad relationship in the first place, and why I stayed there for so long--because that part is on ME. That part is MY RESPONSIBILITY.

So now I'm better prepared. I know how to make better choices when it comes to a partner. I have my own standards and my expectations of how I deserve to be treated, and I'm never going to let someone (Mom!) tell me again that I should lower my expectations. And if I have a relationship that doesn't work out in the end, then I'm going to be just fine, because I've already been through hell and back, so really, how bad could it be?

And really, not knowing what the future holds with Real Estate (that's my guy) takes a lot of the pressure off. We're not hurtling down the freeway of love at top speed, with "DESTINATION: MARRIAGE" in mind. I worked and fought really hard to get my independence and find myself again. I adore him, and I could see us staying together for the long-term. I could see us getting married. But I'm not ready for that, not yet, and he certainly isn't. So what we have going now is just fine. And if it ends, frankly, I would be more worried about him than me. I'm scrappy. Whatever life throws my way, I'm like, _I got this_. I'm great in a crisis. I'm the crisis-problem fixer at work. I get things done. Under stress, I go into over drive. Real Estate, not so much. I know him well enough to know how he reacts to things. He would not do so well if we broke up. 

But I digress...

jb, have you considered why you "can't be alone"? I know there are people out there like that, who have to be in a relationship, even if it's a bad one... but I don't totally get it. Do you? Have you tried it? What about being alone is so scary, or sounds bad to you? I'm genuinely curious. I'd like to help you get to the bottom of this, or point you in the right direction. I just hate to see you unhappy.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Skip the one who hasn't had a dated or a relationship for over 20-30 years. She is not good material. There is a reason she is alone for that long.-run!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Recently out of a failed relationship with a man I met online. I met several online before him and yes, they were all mostly damaged. But aren't we all.
> 
> I'm 37, have one failed 12 year marriage behind me, and now another nearly 4 year failed relationship. Awesome track record. Lol!
> 
> ...


As Dan Savage says (and I paraphrase), every relationship you have will fail, until you find the one that doesn't. And you won't really know until you die that you're in the one that's not going to fail!

So don't give up! My uncle married for the first time when he was in his mid-60s. And they are super happy! I love my "new" Auntie, she's a peach.

People that are in relationships now, keep working on them and investing in them, because if you don't, this relationship might become another that fails.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> For most of my life, I wouldn't have been able to do that, either. It was surviving my divorce and working on myself that got me to the point of being ok with it, and not being so hung up on the future of the relationship that I'm in right now.
> 
> Getting divorced, well, before it happened, it was the worst possible thing that I could imagine happening in my life. I didn't think that I would survive it. God, the emotional anguish that I suffered through was so horrible that I thought I would die from it. I mean, literally. I couldn't see anything beyond it but black.
> 
> ...


Perhaps the one reason why I'm stuck where I am is that as you describe, divorce will be horrible. It will disrupt everything I've ever known: 

It will mean I have to be alone and I don't have fun by myself. Last year on business trip, I had a day to myself in Paris, alone, and I was miserable. Yeah I did stuff but it wasn't fun. I just remembered all the fun we had when I was there with my family a couple years before. I guess I've been with someone all my life to the point I'm completely out of my element by myself. Who knows. 

I also know that I would be broke and that's the thing I don't want most of all. I've worked hard all my life and I want something to show for it more than a bad apartment on the wrong side of town and to having to give all I worked so hard for to someone who has done nothing but made me sad would just be ...wrong. I know I've said my piece about divorce and how unfair it is to men. It just so happens I think it's all true. I've seen how miserable some of my friends are that are divorced, I don't want that to be me. 

So I'd be alone and broke...boy does that sound like a hoot. No thanks. Who wants to date someone in their 50's who's broke and "damaged" after long marriage that failed. Yeah I would be without the one person who has made me saddest out of anyone I've ever met but she would have my house, my money, my kids and the secure future I've always wanted and worked a lifetime to get. Yup that would all be in the ****ter. It would take a long time to recover after that. I would be desperate for another relationship and that's what got me in trouble the first time around. So, would it be better continuing the bad relationship I have. I wouldn't be alone and I would be broke, so yeah it would be.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Perhaps the one reason why I'm stuck where I am is that as you describe, divorce will be horrible. It will disrupt everything I've ever known:
> 
> It will mean I have to be alone and I don't have fun by myself. Last year on business trip, I had a day to myself in Paris, alone, and I was miserable. Yeah I did stuff but it wasn't fun. I just remembered all the fun we had when I was there with my family a couple years before. I guess I've been with someone all my life to the point I'm completely out of my element by myself. Who knows.
> 
> ...


So, leaving the unhappy marriage is out of the question for you. Option off the table.

What are you doing to make the rest of your life happier?


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