# Maxim sent me over the edge...



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Okay. My life's been turned upside down, shaken, stirred, baked, fried, and anything else that could happen, basically has.

I found out my relationship of nearly 10 years was a lie, my husband was a severe alcoholic, porn addict ( says this is the worst), and ended up so drunk he woke up next to another woman so add ONS.

I thought I set the lines pretty clear, but through MC I found out he was watching porn again, honestly I don't know when he did this because we're almost always together.

So enter crisis.. he agrees to stop, he understands with everything going on right now I see it as cheating. He's having sex with a computer woman and not me. Meanwhile he can't seem to climax with me anyway! Causing more problems.

So yesterday I said I want you to get rid of your Maxim magazines... and he went over the edge, I went over the edge majorly. He's freaking out that he's not going to masturbating to Maxim pictures and all of this. Bottom line for me is he's made me so insecure that I can't stand to have them around. I never used to be, he made me this way ( I know it's not right, I'm working on that) so I'd love to get some input, where do you guys feel Maxim falls? Honestly when I open it and there are pages I don't want my daughter's seeing, that's a problem. When there are woman in skimpy panties with nothing else but a sheet half covering them... I think this is an issue at this point in our recovery. 

I understand he feels like he's given up tons of things, but he HID the porn, he HID the drinking ( I thought he drank like 1 or 2 beers a week ), so I don't feel like he's giving anything up, because I never even SAW it!

Am I going mad? I really feel like I'm standing at the edge...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It's up to you two what boundaries are acceptable. I don't think Maxim is porn, but if it upsets you and he wants you enough he will give them up too.

I should clarify: I do think Maxim is porn, but to the same extent the underwear section of a catalogue is. Being blunt about it, that is what many teenage boys (and no doubt, men) used to use before the internet made porn readily available. Heck, he could freeze frame the TV on many an advert if it "comes" to it.

The problem isn't Maxim -it's in his mind.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I remember reading that chronic masturbators often use it as a tool to self soothe, that for them it's beyond sexual, it's how they cope with life in general.
Has the amount of time he spends masturbating been brought up in counseling?
His inability to orgasm with you speaks volumes of where his head is at, that's what I would be focusing on, not even the actual masturbation aids. 
The time is now for him to lay off the self love for awhile & put the focus back on having sex with an actual woman.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Riven, what kind of profession al help is your husband getting? Is he just going cold turkey?

Go here --> RecoveryNationTons of useful info, for you and for him. Specially go to this:Partner's Healing Workshop


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

He uses Maxim to masturbate? Not the kind of magazine i'm into, but those magazines often have stuff of interest for men.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

He's just going cold turkey.

They talked about it some in a one on one session, but I think I'm going to bring it up at MC on Monday again. 

Needless to say the whole situation makes me feel less than nothing when my husband can get off with a computer... and not me. Acabado, I will look at that information.

He got rid of his computer, but apparently he still "craves" it. I don't want to sound holier than thou or anything but I don't have any vices really, I don't drink, smoke, drugs, anything like that. I don't really have an addiciton, so I can't understand. And when it's been hidden from me, it's like it wasn't a problem, so it's hard me to say oh yea, you're doing a good job because everything seems normal to me.

ETA: He's not maturating to Maxim... said that in the first post. But I'm not comfortable with the skanky pics at this time in our relationship. It's not Maxim itself, I used to get Maxim when I was single. Not too long ago he was talking about how it was not as good as it used to be, then yesterday he's throwing a fit to keep it saying how there is "useful stuff" in it... of course the only example he could come up with was opening a beer bottle without a opener... and he's a recovering alcoholic.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

costa200 said:


> He uses Maxim to masturbate? Not the kind of magazine i'm into, but those magazines often have stuff of interest for men.


yeah, its a men's magazine, not exactly the same thing as porn in my mind, but definitely easier to sell a men's magazine if their is photos of attractive young women in revealing poses.

Would cosmo or other women's magazines be the female equivalent? I'm sure the articles of improving sex life, pics of male celebrities on the beach or other similar fantasy inspiring articles are being used the exact same way.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Riven,
Is he currently meeting your need for sexual intimacy? If not, he needs to stop masturbating - and start letting his desire for you build. 




Riven said:


> Okay. My life's been turned upside down, shaken, stirred, baked, fried, and anything else that could happen, basically has.
> 
> I found out my relationship of nearly 10 years was a lie, my husband was a severe alcoholic, porn addict ( says this is the worst), and ended up so drunk he woke up next to another woman so add ONS.
> 
> ...


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

We're working on it. The porn and masturbation has stopped for the last several weeks, because he can't masturbate without thinking about other women... We have sex about every other day, it's not like he's needs to look at porn because we never have sex. It's literally an addiction. 

Anyway, as far so "woman equivalents", I don't know. The only mags I read are Reader's Digest, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, and medical journals. We have things with "cool stuff" for guys it's not like read Maxim or Vogue...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

About Maxim it's got exciting pics yes, but frankly I be more worried if he was reading some of those women's fashion mags, they're way more over the top and bordering on fetish porn in some instances.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

The difference is that Maxim in laying in my bedroom, not the other ones that aren't even in our house ever...

I could say to someone yea your spouse cheated on you, but at least they didn't cheat on you with you sister who's a midget hooker... really doesn't pertain if their sister isn't a midget hooker.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Riven said:


> The difference is that Maxim in laying in my bedroom, not the other ones that aren't even in our house ever...
> 
> I could say to someone yea your spouse cheated on you, but at least they didn't cheat on you with you sister who's a midget hooker... really doesn't pertain if their sister isn't a midget hooker.


Truth. But you said he using maxim thar way, didn't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Research shows that being exposed to porn desensitizes men to the point where getting turned on by regular sex simply isn’t exciting enough. Call it a new type of impotence, if you will, where men in this study -- as young as in their 20s -- found it normal to have erectile dysfunction during real sexual interactions yet still were excited for the smorgasbord of internet porn.

Erectile Dysfunction And Porn - AskMen


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

I don't want you feel like this is coming off negative... But, I think you should stick directly to the main issues... That being, the porn, drinking and the one night stand...

With the maxim thing, unless you believe he is using it as porn substitute, don't consistently push the issue... Like you said "He hid the porn and the drinking." don't make him revert to hiding.... 

Maxim is probably a result of your own insecurities, and if that is so... I say you confront it, open up the magazine and read the articles... Try not to get caught up in the photos, attempt to find what may interest him as an article(s)... Then, strike up a conversation with him, turn it into a way to reconnect with each other... At least if he's into the actual writing that goes into the publication, you may find your insecurities ease a little...

He may be in the wrong on some things but do not turn the little stuff into something major, stealth is the key on this... Confirm if this is indeed a innocent misunderstanding or not, but for now it's maybe (only maybe) your issue that you're attaching to the real problem(s)...

As for the children, just try to reach an agreement in the meantime, that he put/keep them out of reach...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Maxim is not a porn magazine. Its just " guy stuff."
Its basically the male version to Redbook or Elle Magazines.

Are you certain that he is using the Maxims to get off, or is it just your suspicion?
Anyway, you are not going mad.
He does need some professional help,because his excessive porn usage is making you insecure. Also the inability to climax with you during sex is directly linked to his inability to separate the porn fantasy from reality. 
He is not connecting with you during the act.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

As I said in the first post, he is not using Maxim to masturbate. Yes it is my insecurity that makes me upset about it. But I never used to be that way, as I said in the first post, I got Maxim to my house when I was single, therefore I've read it, I know what it's about.

I guess I don't understand the comparison to the "girly magazines" because I don't read them, and have absolutely no desire to.


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