# Still Can't Believe This Has Happened



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ok, I'm finally ready to pour my guts out.

I call my D-Day 09/11 (9th November).

I have just came home after walking our child to school that morning. My mobile rang when I was barely through the door. It was a woman on the other end, an unfamiliar voice. 

It was all pretty confusing to me at first. It was from his phone number. At first, she tried to make it sound as if it was I who made the call. I was utterly confused. After repeatedly pointing out to her that I did not make that call, she said, "Oh, it was a missed call then and I'm just calling back. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" ... This must have gone on for a good few minutes and then, it clicked. I felt the most awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and asked, "Who are you?". Her answer, "My name is xxx. I'm his 'wife' for the last 2 years". I was shell shocked. It was as if someone has just informed me he has died.

The whole teleconversation lasted for 47 minutes and 58 seconds. I shed no tears. I did not raise my voice nor call her by any name. Not even when she tried to provoke me by repeating, "What are you going to do now as a **40-something year old woman with a child (?) and by the way, I'm 21" ..... She was driven to drive in the dagger in every part of her conversation ... I asked for the phone to be passed to him. I had only one question to ask him. I wanted to know if he loves her ..... No ... I didn't get to speak to him. She tried, put the phone loudspeaker on, tried to rouse him from his drunken slumber. He was dead drunk.

** H is 11 years older than I am.

The following 7 days, I was numbed, going about routine with my child in a state of semi automatism. 

I did not pick up any calls nor respond to any voice nor text messages from him for a whole week. And when I did (he left a message saying he was on the way home), I said I will send the child away and will only meet him at a neutral venue for a crisis meeting. He turned up, sat down and immediately told his side of the story. I had it all voice recorded.

She was 19 when they first met when he was flying in and out of this ex Soviet bloc country where he spent a lot of time working in in 2010. She was a document clerk in his local office there. He said he had never noticed her till about the end of 2010 when, after a presentation he had given, she came up to him, introduced herself and told him how impressed she was with his presentation and how much she liked his voice.

He claimed they became "friends" for about 5 months after that. Going out as a group with other company people whenever he was in town, like every month. He thought she was a smart little button stuck in a rut of a country. he offered to sponsor her English classes to better herself. Then the PA started .....

Sometime in early 2011, he was taken off the project in this ex Soviet bloc country. He was almost permanently home based for a few months until he left the company to joined another. From the summer of 2011, he was spending more and more time on a new project in the Middle East. This was when he made arrangements for her to reunite with him in the Emirates. And she enrolled into one of the offshore universities there, paid for by him.

Fast forward.

His story was that he ended the relationship the night before she called me. Or maybe, he told her of his intention to do so. I don't know what to believe anymore. He said she knew he is married from the word go. He said he realised he overstepped the boundaries of "friendship" and that she changed from not minding the fact that he is married to insisting on further commitments in the recent months. She was turning up at public places (restaurants, pubs) creating a scene.

I swear, till today, I never had any clue that he was leading a double life. Not a clue after analyzing and re-analyzing. I trusted him absolutely and without qualification in the 16 years we are together. I wouldn't have married him if I had a single iota of doubt about his integrity.

During our crisis meeting, I set down several mandates. 

First and foremost, a medical test.

Number 2 (after finding solace and guidance, lurking on this board) - a NC letter to be handwritten by him.

Number 3 - that I do not wish for him to take up the 2nd phase of the project after the current one ends in April/May.

Yes, there were tears from him, lots of apologies for the "mistake" (God, I hate that word). And how he reckons I will never ever trust him again, and that life will be hell and he will accept that for the rest of his life.

At this stage, I still wasn't sure whether I am staying or leaving. 

And at this stage, I only told a handful of people about his PA. On D-Day, our best family friend, who threatened to fly out immediately to be with me and my son, if I didn't tell someone in my family. So I told my Dad, just the barest gist, with the caveat DON'T ASK ME ANY QUESTION. It took me another fortnight before 
I rang up his childhood friend and best mate in the UK (our families are very close) and then, my brother-in-law, whom I have very high regards for.

Fast forward.

Christmas hols. After 3 years of not spending Christmas in the UK, we made arrangements ( way before D-Day) to go back for Christmas with his family. Mainly for my FIL who is getting on with age and may not have many more summers and winters to go ... It was a tough time for me - trying to remain bouyant for our child, for my FIL whom I love very much.

Boxing Day when we were all supposed to gather at FIL for a big happy family slap up. On that morning, out of the blues, I asked him for his Hotmail account password. He provided it without hesitation. I went on it. It was like my 9/11 happening all over again. I went through every single one of their email correspondence from 2011 to very early 2012 and couldn't stomach the sleazy undertones and the amount of plotting to get to see each other. I cried all the way on the drive to my FIL's. i was an absolute wreck. As I later told my sister-in-law, I was capable of only 2 bodily functions that day - crying or throwing up.

Fast forward.

By New Year, when we were back home, we have sort of agreed to go on R mode. On NY Day, he wrote a NC letter, without my dictating to him the contents. In a nutshell, reiterating that their relationship is deemed to be over and that there should be no contact by electronic means or in person. That he intends to fully concentrate on his family, especially on his marriage. And that there will be no further funding of her education. This NC letter, I told him, will be sent via my solicitor.

Also, at this stage, I have included another non-negotiable mandate to our R process. Mandate number 4. We have 2 fully paid up properties in joint names. I asked that he transfers his 50% share to me, for safe keeping. He agreed. Though he did question the benefits of doing so, insisting that he would never dream of jeapordising our family assets. I haf to remind him that I, for one, have never dream that he was capable of such betrayal in the first place. Whilst, yes ... He couldn't have offload the properties without my consent, he could have willed his 50% to a 3rd party without my knowledge. 

Fast forward.

Letter of NC finally Fedex'ed out by my solicitor on the 19th of this month. We have a family wedding on Thursday, the 24th. An appointment with my solicitor set up for the transfer of properties on the 25th.

After the family wedding dinner, we adjourned for some drinks. By the time we actually got home, he had too many pints. That night, he cried and cried. I have never seen him in that state before. He confessed that even though they are no longer in contact (he admitted she texted him twice since 9/11 but he didn't respond), he felt unable to let go of the emotional ties. He said he loves me and our child to bits. He said she loves him to bits and is waiting for him to go back to her. He thinks he sold her a dream (of education, a better life) and he thinks he should fulfill his bond to support her. He said he was all she has left .... He said that for the last few weeks, his mental state of mind has been affecting his work and he is in a state of depression. His sister and our family friend chortled when I told them about this latter part. They reckon he is playing the "poor little me" card.

The next morning, Friday, we headed off to my solicitor's office. He signed the Memorandum of Transfer to the properties. On the drive home, I noticed his clenched fists on the steering wheels. I asked him what's the matter. He angrily replied that he has just signed away what he has worked hard for in the last 38 years. It breaks my heart. I told him that I have absolutely no intention of doing anything with the brick and mortars. That I am holding the assets in trust, for him, for our child. I offered to reverse the procedure. He said no, what done is done.

Actually, I have already instructed my solicitor to draw up my Will. Should anything were to happen to me, all assets are to go to our child when he turns 27. I appointed H's brother and a very close family friend as our child's legal guardian, trustee and executor of my Will. None from my own family is mentioned in it.

I phoned my sister-in-law this evening after he left for the Middle East again today. I gave her the latest updates of our sad saga. Our conversation on Thursday night. The signing of the transfer forms on Friday. I assured her that I have no intentions of taking advantage of her brother. She knows I truly love him and understands that if I want to play dirty, I would have served him the D papers after he relinquished his share of our properties to me. She says she would do exactly the same thing and her brother is truly an idiot and needs to wake up and stop being do selfish. And she again apologised for her brother's "disgusting behaviour".

Right now ... I am totally, absolutely drained. Mentally, physically. I have said to family and close friends who are in the know of his PA ... And I have said to him ... I will never fight for this marriage for the sake of my child. My dad was a serial philanderer. My mum stayed married to him, to quote her, for the sake of me and my brother. My dad never changed his ways and only stopped after his dosh ran out after his retirement and I ended up having to pay for my mum's shrink bills in her twilight years as she rues for her lost youth and is battling depression.

On the other hand, if I opt to walk away, I would do it because of my child. I have asked myself what example am I setting for him by staying.

Until today, I still haven't, couldn't call him nor her by any name. In person nor in my private thoughts. It is just not me. Until today, I have never examined his passport pages nor his/our bank statements, latter of which are usually lying around in our study in the open. It irks me to learn that SHE has once rifled through his passport pages and went beserk upon finding out that he wasn't where he said he was. Someone pointed out to me that that denotes serious trust issue between them.

I can't write anymore. Am tired but relieved that I finally got around to writing this down.

Thanks for listening.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Wow. Kudos for holding up as well as you have. How is your son/daughter doing through all this? Do they know that something is wrong? How old is your child?


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Boy is 12. Both mummy and daddy have always been very proud of him  . He is a very good lad.

I don't know how much he knows .....

On Boxing Day, before going to Grandpa's house, while I was reading through H and OW's intimate emails in the past, I left the room to have a good cry ... Then, I dried up my tears, came back inside and realised that my boy has tears in his eyes ....

It transpired that as he saw me left the room in distress, he asked daddy ...

Boy : what is happening to mummy ?
Dad : i made a very bad mistake and i hurt mummy a lot and i am trying to rectify it now.
Boy : what is the worst that can happen now ?
Dad : i really dare not think about it.

So ... He knows sonething is wrong but not the whole story ... I don't think it should from me either .....


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So he went to the middle east. Is that were she is too, or did she return to her homeland?


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

I don't know whether she is still there. And he claims neither does he ... He says he told her the day he announced to her that it is time to hit it on the head, i.e to end the relationship, he also told her that it is better for her to go home.

My thought would be she is still out there. Life in ME is more liberating compares to where she came from. Moreover, her uni fees are paid for till May/June.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What a piece of work that woman (more like girl) is. Her behavior is absolutely disgusting and just shows how immature she is by trying to be even more hurtful on the phone. I hope the karma-bus comes after her and it should start with your husband not supporting her. That is skeevy on so many levels. 

You have been very strong and very wise in your demands and I applaud you for thinking ahead about the assets/Will. It makes perfect sense that you don't trust him with the assets because you never expected the betrayal to happen. After being cheated on, I don't trust my ex to be alone in my house when he's here visiting the kids because I worry he's going to damage or destroy my stuff. 

The poor-me attitude your husband has sounds like he's going through withdrawal (the pain from breaking up). This heartbreak he feels for her should of never happened because he should of never cheated and gotten romantically involved with someone else while married. 



> It irks me to learn that SHE has once rifled through his passport pages and went beserk upon finding out that he wasn't where he said he was. Someone pointed out to me that that denotes serious trust issue between them.


 Sounds like she's expecting there to be honour among thieves...

As they say, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. It's kind of hard to trust someone when you know that they're being devious and deceptive in order to be with you. As an aside, there's a disgusting message board for cheaters that I can't name. I saw posts from women being mad that their AP's were cheating on them with their own wives. It made me sick.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

What is wrong with guys who just hand over their money, money that their own family could use, even if not now, but definitely later, to a sl^t who bats her eyelashes and gives a sob story. I just don't get it.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> What is wrong with guys who just hand over their money, money that their own family could use, even if not now, but definitely later, to a sl^t who bats her eyelashes and gives a sob story. I just don't get it.


Same deal with my dad. NO ONE in my family is going to leave him any money because we have no idea what in the hell he'd do with it or who he'd spend it on. When it comes to insurance, wills, co-signing, PoA, etc we won't put his name down on anything.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> What is wrong with guys who just hand over their money, money that their own family could use, even if not now, but definitely later, to a sl^t who bats her eyelashes and gives a sob story. I just don't get it.


Seriously ... I have always thought i married an intelligent, sensible and worldly man ... I found out that couldn't be furthest from the truth.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Wow, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What a piece of work that woman (more like girl) is. Her behavior is absolutely disgusting *and just shows how immature she is* by trying to be even more hurtful on the phone. *I hope the karma-bus comes after her and it should start with your husband not supporting her. * That is skeevy on so many levels.
> 
> Funny thing ... At the tail end of her bombshell of a phone call, I was actually more worried about her well-being. I felt sad that she was caught up in all these (but now, in hindsight, no sympathies whatsoever as I found out she was just as devious). I told her to take care of herself and not to do anything stupid.
> 
> ...


I have been told by H that she is very jealous of me and our child. And also, in her phone call, one question she kept asking me over and over again, demanding an answer is : do you have a sexual relationship with H ? I must have answered her in the affirmative about 4 times (although I didn't talk about our woeful frequency which I, at that moment in time, blame myself for his straying).


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

Overthemoon88 said:


> I have been told by H that she is very jealous of me and our child. And also, in her phone call, one question she kept asking me over and over again, demanding an answer is : do you have a sexual relationship with H ? I must have answered her in the affirmative about 4 times (although I didn't talk about our woeful frequency which I, at that moment in time, blame myself for his straying).


Let's get this straight - not enough sex is not a free ride to cheat. Next, a 'mistake' is forgetting to put out the trash/losing your wallet. Your husband knew exactly what he was doing. Your husband has told her that he does not have sex with you, that's why she kept asking.

Now he's back in the Middle East. I'd bet serious cash she is there too. This doesn't sound like no contact to me.

Huge respect for the way you are dealing with this and the masterstroke of securing property/assets.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Louise7 said:


> Let's get this straight - not enough sex is not a free ride to cheat. Next, a 'mistake' is forgetting to put out the trash/losing your wallet. Your husband knew exactly what he was doing. Your husband has told her that he does not have sex with you, that's why she kept asking.
> 
> *Now he's back in the Middle East. I'd bet serious cash she is there too. *This doesn't sound like no contact to me.
> I won't be surprised ... As mentioned, fees already paid up for the whole academic year and she has quite a good social life there even without him. I have this little feeling another ship has sailed into her port, if you know what I mean ...
> ...


*
*
Oh, Louise ... I really wish I didn't have to do it ... I would give anything to change the circumstances ... I don't consider it a masterstroke at all. His own brother and sister have been trying to knock it into my head that I have to start thinking of myself and our child now and no one else. I am blessed that I have in-laws who love us to bits (and likewise).


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Satya said:


> *Do not for one moment blame yourself in the least regard for his behavior. *
> 
> Can't help it sometimes ......
> 
> ...


Thank you. ***hugs***


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

**** "What are you going to do now as a **40-something year old woman with a child (?) and by the way, I'm 21" .****

My first thought about these matters is that if a younger woman could do better, she would not be wasting her time with a married man..... who would then have to share his salary and wealth with her and his STB ex wife.

But foreign women are a different kettle of fish and they are usually looking for something else....... just check out Wendy D eng's profile on Wikipedia, she definitely made a fool out of her first husband (who left his wife for her) so that she could get her green card and move on with HER life.

thank goodness this woman hasn't gotten pregnant yet.

It sounds like you have made all the right moves, telling your in laws, getting assets secured in your name and so on. 

As for whether to stay with him or not, I suppose the answer will come to you soon.

Stay strong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Overthemoon88 said:


> Seriously ... I have always thought i married an intelligent, sensible and worldly man ... I found out that couldn't be furthest from the truth.


Trouble is some highly intelligent people can do some really weird and very hurtful things. 

My wife is that way, too.

Her affair happened, I think, due to a dysfunctional childhood and the fact she is a (very) High Functioning Asperger's.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow, you are a real class act! I like your fortitude and sharp sense. 

It probably helps that is AP was a 21 year old. You can't really take it seriously yet it is so very serious, isn't it?

It would never have worked between them. Three or four years tops. He'd help her with education, clothes, car, etc and then she'd be off with some dude she met at work or clubbing. And then he would be alone with nothing. He should be thanking you endlessly for this avoided future. 

I applaud you and I hope it works out for you.

He may start to resent you while on this trip. How are you monitoring him, if at all?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Wow, you are a real class act! I like your fortitude and sharp sense.
> 
> It probably helps that is AP was a 21 year old. You can't really take it seriously yet it is so very serious, isn't it?
> 
> ...


Or like in Wendy's case, managing a media empire.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

*UPDATES - 10th May 2013*

Yesterday was exactly 6 months past DD.

Yesterday was DD2. The affair was continuing all these while.

I told him I want a divorce.

I told him to leave the matrimonial home before our son woke up in the morning for school.

I told him any further contact will be through the lawyers.

He has a lot at stake here. Six properties, all paid up except the matrimonial home. I am now in the midst of deciding which of the two highly recommended barristers to appoint. I intend to take him to the cleaners. Yes, I am at an angry stage now. VERY ANGRY.

But I can now also concentrate on self healing. For me. For my son. The boy doesn't know yet. He has his final term exams coming up in the next few weeks. I intend to break the news to him during his mid term hols starting first of June. I will make sure he gets the best counselling available. I will stay strong because I am the only parent he's got now.

As part of the self healing, I decided to get son a dog in the very near future. STBXH hated dogs and never allowed him to have one. Son has always wanted one. I came from an animal crazy household. What a relief !! In a way, I am replacing one dog for another  .

Onwards ... And hopefully, upwards.

I won't live with an effing coward and an effing cheat anymore.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Screw that dog hating bastard!

Always remember, its not what knocks us down that matters, its how we get back up that counts.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks for your wise words, TG.

Always 'enjoyed' reading your responses to other people's dilemmas. 

I SHALL remember that .....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Lucky you found out. How is he reacting ?


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Lucky you found out. How is he reacting ?


Ummm, S12 or STBXH ???

Son is not told yet. I intend to take him back to the UK during his 1-week midterm hols so that he can spend some time with STBXH's family before breaking the news to him when he is surrounded by people who love him to bits.

As for STBXH ... I don't know ... I don't really care ... His first reaction was, "Where do I go?" ... Still the nice person, I gave him the keys to an aprtment of ours which is inbetween tenancy. It is fully furnished so he is not exactly slumming it.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Very sorry he didn't learn from his first 'mistake'

You'd have thought that signing over properties to you would have woken him up a bit.

Good luck taking him the cleaners. Make sure your son is well looked after.

(Be prepared for his family to be highly conflicted - they can't help still loving him, despite despising what he's done.)


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

My son is and has always been my priority. No question about it.

STBXH's siblings have been in the loop since DD1. I informed them immediately on DD2. He has avoided any kind of contact with them ever since he knew that they knew. His family is big on birthdays, anniversaries and such from time immemorial. This year is the ONLY year neither one of them or their children sent him a card. His father did ... Cos he is not in the know. 

From DD1 onwards, STBXH and his family have said that it will 'kill' my father-in-law if he were to find out. We are very close and the old man ends every phone conversation with me with, "Love you, pet" ... I am/was afraid when STBXH said he will fly back to tell his father. I don't want to devastate my father-in-law nor do I want his son to sugarcoat the situation. I warned his siblings. To which his sister said she is very sure he wouldn't DARE to come home now because he KNOWS he won't getting any sympathies from them. My brother-in-law is the child's legal guardian in my Will. And he had in his safe box all documented evidence of his brothet's adultery. He is one hardworking family man who takes no [email protected] from anyone.

So, hopefully formal papers will be prepared by end of this month. I shall take the boy back to see Grandpa and Uncle and Aunt and Cousins. And I will break the news to boy and Grandpa.


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## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

You must be devastated, for your son especially! What a pathetic excuse for a man to blow away a second chance with, what can only be described as, a very smart and strong woman!

You deserve better, your son deserves better! Continue to remain angry where possible, this should help you continue with the divorce and bat away any pathetic excuses and apologies he will inevitably be firing your way shortly.

Good luck with moving on and re-building your life.

Can I ask how things were during the last 6 months, and how did you find out that the affair was continuing?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Sounds somewhat similar to what my BiL did - My wife and I were at my Ex-SiL's wedding to a lovely man, who is much better to her.

Nearly killed my FiL though - he adored her.

And the other SsiL - they really struggled to come to terms with what their brother had done.

And yet, they were stil all conflicted. It's inevitable, I guess.

Doesn't mean they care about you and your son any less though.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

At my son's football training now. Hence, this will be a hastily typed response.

Thank you all for the words of comfort ... I am strong. I know now for sure that I can no longer live with this Beast (he said, "No one has ever called me that before" .....

I had my doubts about whether we were in a real R ... That's why I DHL'ed the package to my BIL for safe keeping just last week. I have thought about seeing a proper family lawyer to find out my full rights in this last few months. But my solicitor said to me, "You don't want to walk down THAT road" ... And my IC said to me if we were genuinely in R, I should not talk to a shark because "there will be no turning back".

How did I find out ??? Haven't looked at his Blackberry for months. No discriminatory emails nor texts. I was just about to be lulled into a false sense of security and switch off the phone. I think I did indeed switch off the phone. On second thoughts, got it working again. Checked media files for photos - nada. Did a search based on her name ... Shock, horror ... That very morning, he SWORE that he has given me full transparency in the last 6 months. Nothing can expressed the magnitude of my disgust upon the discovery.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

The discovery marks the point of No Return.

I went into the bedroom where he was asleep woke him up and asked him, "Are you still in contact with HER?" ... He said NO ... I threw his phone on the bed and asked, "Tell me what is this then" ... Silence ... I said to him, "Go back to sleep and we will discuss D tomorrow"  . Followed by phone calls back to the UK, lots of tears in private and then i went back to him in the room to tell him that I want him out of the house before the boy wakes up for school.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Retainer for D lawyer to be paid tomorrow - check (ouchh!!)

New puppy to be brought over on Saturday morning to be vetted - check

First IC tomorrow since DD2 - check

Now at least I am moving forward .....


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

*Re: UPDATES - 10th May 2013*



Overthemoon88 said:


> Yesterday was exactly 6 months past DD.
> 
> Yesterday was DD2. The affair was continuing all these while.
> 
> ...



You are handling this so well! In your other thread you mentioned that you won't mention the country the woman and he is in where he PAYS for her education...I never understand why people don't mention other countries...just wondering...

Also in the country that shall not be named you mention that it is a crime to be an adulterer -- if you want to take him to the cleaners, is it easier if he is in jail? Just wondering. You may not be like me, but I know if this all happened to me and I could get my H in jail - I would be doing it NOW! And I have similar pain : lots of time (over 20 yrs), lots of sex with other women - there could never be enough women in his mind - serial infidelity and now they call it addiction, no affair at all (he just wanted to insert for a few minutes and toss the woman immediately away), no money to take him to the cleaners (jealous - at least you married $ - not the reason you married him - His new girl is having sex with him for money( I mean what young girl would be with your H at his age without $) - (his own little prostitute) - just saying it's a lot easier when you have a dozen properties and cash in the bank - and you and your son will be taken care of by). But I'd be the one who would do anything to get that man in jail - it's 3rd world thinking, but it sure seems nice to me now. After all the sh*t he's done...

Also, I just have a feeling this is only what you have found out. Someone like him just doesn't fall into some 21 year old's arm once. He was flirting with her a long time, like he has probably done many times in the past with others, many one night stands, prostitutes, call girls... He is just TOO OLD for this to have just happened in the last few years. I am sure he has been doing all sorts of stuff that you have never known about. He travels and has traveled...It's probably been Disneyland out there and SHE his new prostitute f*cked it up for him this time. Just my thoughts...

Good luck - you are handling it better than I would, that is for sure.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Can you share a bit more about the "search" that you did to find out he was still communicating with her? I'm gathering it wasn't via text or emails?


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Boogie ... Let's just say it is a prominent Middle East country where adultery and pre-marital sex, whether between Muslims or non Muslims, will get both the male and female behind bars for a minimum of 2 months. I can't do that to him. He is still the father of my child. Though I am not allowing him access to his son until I seek a temporary injunction to prevent the boy from being taken out of the country by his father.

Ours is a complicated situation because STBXH and I are of different nationalities and the adultery was conducted in a third country. Hence, my sky high legsl bill 

Also, I am entitled to name OW as the co-respondent in my D. This, I have instructed my lawyers to do. It will entail having to serve OW outside the jurisdiction. This shall be my bargaining tool in my final settlement ... I hope ... Because if I do carry on naming OW as co-respondent, she must be served by a court official of the said ME country.Should spell deep [email protected] for them both.

I do realise now that she may not be the first OW in his life ... I trusted the man whom I married fully. I didn't hesitate to give him a second chance as I do love him ... Maybe still do ... But the continuing deceit which I discovered is too much for me to bear. I realise now that I don't deserve this [email protected] I stood by him when he had nought in his savings. I was there for him one year when he was in-between jobs and did not have the ££ to go back home for Christmas to see his parents. I even wrapped our favourite table lamp up for his Mum because we didn't have spare cash for presents. I gave up my career to be there fulltime for my son and to manage our eventual property portfolio. He was my world ... I now discovered maybe I am just being used to provide him with a 'respectable' front .....

A friend said to me that it is sad that I am "finally giving up" and that OW finally gets the cash cow she is after. I don't find it sad at all ... And OW, if she is lucky, will only get half of the cash cow. He will have to work full time till he is 70 to recover what he stands to lose in the upcoming D. OW said to me on the phonecall on DD1 that she reckons she's not the only one. Well, good luck, girl ... You deserve each other. I can see OW be forever looking over her shoulders, wondering what's her sell-by date.

Daggeredheart - i am not the most tech savvy person in the world ... It was on his Blackberry. I have scrolled all the way to the end bits on his text messages and email box. Didn't find anything. I went on a search based on her name and it all came up.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

On a more positive note, meet the new addition to our family. I am sure we will get unconditional love and loyalty from her (well, STBXH didn't set a high benchmark anyway) !


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are a strong woman. Love the pup!


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

*One question please ... How would you handle this ??*

So, the plane tickets are confirmed for our mid-term hols back to see Grandpa this Saturday. Coincidentally, first letter from my lawyers to STBX will go out by end of this week. I have intended that this trip back to the UK is for S12 to spend some quality time with his father's clan. So that when I break the news to S12, he will understand that nothing will change. They are still his family. I will always ensure that he will be in contant touch with them. That there is no such thing as EX Grandpa ...

Now .... It will also be the time for me to break the news gently to Grandpa ... He is the last one in STBX's family to know ... I want to be there personally to talk to him, I want to bring his grandchild home to him to show him that I will not deprieve the family of a relationship with him ... That what happened is only between me and his son.

I was talking to my GF last nite. She said maybe it is for the better that his own children, i.e either my BIL or SIL, tells him of our situation ... 

What do you think ?? Welcome all feedbacks. Thanks.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*88:

* You don’t need a lawyer. The lawyer needs you.

* You should insure your spine.*



You get 50% of his assets. Miss 21 will suck out the remaining 50%, and then find a new Sugar Daddy / a new age-appropriate lover.

Your husband will be left with memories of some good sex, a lot of *faked* orgasms, and a lot of *real* bills to pick up after her. Alas.

*You, on the other hand, will lead a good life. Or rather, a good life will lead you.*

Your child will take after you, and be on top of her / his circumstances, wherever she / he is.

Best of luck.




I know this is no time or occasion for banter. But all the above statements spring from admiration.

From what I read here, I *really* like you, if that means anything.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *88:
> 
> * You don’t need a lawyer. The lawyer needs you.
> 
> ...


*carpenoctem* ... I take great comfort from your words ... I really do ... (((Hugs)))

My IC has told me during our session last week that he thought I handled the 'situation' with much composure and dignity since day one and his parting words to me as I was leaving the consultation room was that he is afraid that I might just come crashing down one day ... Maybe I will ... Maybe I will crumble into pieces once the decree absolute is out. I will then allow myself a period of mourning for the man I loved so deeply and unconditionally. For the man who has disappeared from the face of the earth and will never be reborned again in my life. I shall treat the eventual D as a proper 'burial' of the said person.

I don't deserve any admiration ... I am just trying my best to find the light at the end of a pitch-black tunnel ... For my son, for myself.

Am preparing myself emotionally for our journey in 3 day's time ... One more day before I announce to the boy that we are going back to see Grandpa !!


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## scae1212 (May 22, 2013)

by the end of your paragraphs, i totally forgot that you are just 21. i read it all over again then it hits me...

darling stay strong and give yourself time..

you are young and you dont live in a country like mine. whether you will stay with him or not, i hope you'll find the answer soon!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

OTM,

So sorry you are here. You may want to talk to your STBXH siblings and discuss how you should break this to the father and decide as a group.

I am actually amazed that his family didn't turn on you. Blood tends to be thicker than water. You are doing quite well on your plan.

How are you holding up emotionally? I know how traumatic this has been. Are you still in a bit of shock?


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Not 21, Scae  ... More like 44, going on 45 :smthumbup: ... OW was 21, now 22 ...

Already found my answer .....


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> OTM,
> 
> So sorry you are here. You may want to talk to your STBXH siblings and discuss how you should break this to the father and decide as a group.
> 
> ...


Dunno why they didn't turn on me .... Perhaps they never do have a bad bone in them ... I remember both my ILs attended the wedding of STBXH's XW and late MIL was so teary with joy recounting how beautiful the wedding was  ... 

An astute friend of ours, a former copper who has met hoth my ILs said that she thinks the family 'know' him only all too well and they have no time for such 'things'.

Throughout our marriage, I was the one who kept the ties going, the one who prompted him all the time to call his parents, encouraging him to bring his dad over for hols after his mum passed away. If there is any news from the UK to pass on to him, I have been the point of first contact for them.

As mentioned, he has not been in touch with any of his siblings since Christmas as he knows that they are in the know of DD1. I speak to FIL on a weekly basis and according to his dad, he has not attempted to call dad since his birthday in March.

I don't know ... Maybe our relationship will change in the future ... But I do not wish to let it affect my filing of D now. 

I have just announced to S12 that we are flying tomorrow night. The boy is very excited, saying he can't wait to watch cricket with Grandpa. 

Footnote : how am I feeling now ??? I can't say that I am still in shock. Subsequent to DD2, I think disgust is more like it !! To think that he had looked me in the eye while we were supposedly in R and lied and lied again. DD1 was bad enough ... Trying to understand the 'whys'. Trying to convince myself that our marriage was worth fighting for. For him to rip the second chance I have bestowed upon him (and us) into tiny pieces, the hurt of it all is undescribable ... But i now want to rise from the ashes ... I promised my BIL and SIL I will not become a stranger to them. My son may have a crap father but the rest of the family still love him loads. I want the child to know that whatever happens between mum and dad, he is still a (INSERT FAMILY NAME).


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Dear Overthemoon88

Congratulations on the way you are coping with this dreadful situation. I am approximately 6 weeks behind you, and am therefore very interested in how you are handling all this.

As soon as I saw the photo of the puppy I sensed you would come out of this ok. Good luck with whatever is ahead for you.

I registered on this site two days ago, and am about to post my similar situation under the heading "I never saw this coming".

In my opinion, this website is mostly supportive to those who are on the receiving end of these very destructive emotional affairs/physical affairs. After five months of absolute turmoil I feel I am now strong enough to cope, and therefore I hope there are minimal negative responses.

Once again, the puppy is gorgeous. I am currently looking after some friends' cat, who is calmly getting me through the tears.

Good luck OTM88.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Disconnected,

I am glad we 'found' each each other, with much regret, in such similar unwanted circumstance .

Yes, I think I made the right decision in adopting our little Yorkie. To hear, to see the giggles and the smiles from my son during bedtime is just priceless ! And I no longer wake up in the morning with the thought of the breakdown of our M first thing in my mind. I am more concerned if she has left a little 'deposit' somewhere !!! The little Yorkie is God-sent.

We too led a typical expat life ever since the start of our M. I have been careful of the transient 'friends' we acquired along the way. The handful of real friends I have have been tremendous throughout my ordeal. 

Sometimes I do feel like a mug ... The casualty rate amongst the oil and gas expats' marriages, from what we have seen, have always been on the higher side of the statistics. But I never thought it would happen to us. I believed we had a solid foundation which could withstand any challenge. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. 

Do I blame the OW ??? Yes, partly. From the bits and pieces I got, she made the first move. But my STBXH has to shoulder the major portion of the blame game for his "mistake". I guess his ego is being well stroked and he believes it is love. Hell, OW calls him "Mr President" !!! ***feeling sick!!***

Ah well ..... I need to move on. I don't want to be part of his self-entitlement game. It will take a looooong time for my wounds to heal. But I am ready to face my new life.

Both you and I will survive, Disconnected (whether R or D is the path you choose to take). I truly believe it.

(((Hugs)))


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

*Updates - uk*

Just touching base with all who have given me the emotional support I so needed in these past few months. 

Back in the UK this week. Son is happy to be spending time with Grandpa. Met up with his Dad's brother and family for Sunday lunch yesterday. Lots of laughs and good banter. His cousins will be taking him out on Wednesday while I have a quiet dinner with my BIL and his wife. Also caught up with STBXH's best mate since forever yesterday. This morning, we went to the church graveyard to leave some lovely flowers for Grandma.

I haven't said anything to FIL yet. Still hoping to find the right moment ... Strangely, FIL has not asked about his son ... Never asked me if his son will be joining us later, like in the past.

Oh ..... Btw ... Got a text message from STBX the evening we flew out. The first contact since I showed him the door. It read : I hope everyone is ok. Let me know please. Excuse moi, WTF, is my reaction. Needless to say, I don't see any need to respond. Instead, I called my lawyer immediately and reiterated that the first Letter of Demand should be sent out to STBXH ASAP.

Will post more updates later. Once again, thank you all.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

I have been looking for support and I can relate to you in some ways. DD is 12 days ago and I am very raw with anger and hate. I am 50 and H is 61. Been married 12 years and lived in Middle East till 3 years ago, when we bought our home in U.S. We are also a mixed marriage and this is the first time I am living in the U.S. Me and my son stayed behind while H continues his work in ME. The plan was that he will join us for good in 6 mos. time, but due to financial considerations it got extended & extended and this coming fall, H is retiring for good. H comes home 3-4 times in a year for 3 weeks to 45days, we skype & chat 2x a day and thought we are managing well with our present life, waiting to be together again as family. 


May 21st, DD morning, I asked my boy if he talked to his dad and he said “no “, so for me just concerned about his whereabouts, since he is alone there and not common that he will not get connected with us in usual times. Checked for emails and messages from H, but none, decided to call and opened his Skype account(which we use for tel. calls) And there, I discovered their latest 4 conversations, that he failed to delete! I called him on the landline, and when he answered he immediately said that he couldn’t connect coz the internet was down. Oh, really or you are just busy with your “baby”? H was surprised and was denying but I couldn’t talk any more and just slammed the phone on his face. He tried to call back several times, begging for me to answer the tel. and that we could talk. I was reading through their conversations and called MIL if they have talked recently as they also chat regularly, we agreed that everybody have been busy these days and I told her to call him to ask if because of his baby. She was shocked and when she called back, H was still denying. I told her I just sent an email of their conversation so he can open his email when internet is back. 

From then on, we talked by messages and emails. H slowly spilled the beans after my probing, he said, it was a just a game and mistake and was over before I found out. He was just lonely and grabbed the sweet corn that was thrown on his face. He just took a small bite and that there was no sex. They met only 2x for less than an hour in our old house. They kissed and touched over clothes. H said he was feeling nervous as the baby was starting to talk about marriage, that on their last conversation (day before I found out) was not really good as he made it clear to her that would not happen. H expect me to believe any of these??? What I believe from what I read in their conversations (from the only ones I saw) is that they have EA & sexting in the last 3 mos. and H was pursuing her aggressively and plans more meetings. 

When he was back home for a trip last Mar/Apr, he continued to message her in our own home/computers under our noses. He said first time they met was 2 weeks before his Mar/Apr trip. He is begging and pleading to give him a chance and that he will pay for it the rest of his life, that it is only me and our son that he wants, that it was a lapse of judgement on his part the last 3 months. During our talks & in my state of anger, he can get angry/frustrated that I can just give up our marriage for his huge & one mistake. He has betrayed the very foundation of our marriage/family - trust, respect, loyalty & commitment despite me & my son reminding him 2x a day when we talk! He stopped replying to my last email/message last May 30th, but continued the routine to skype with our son. He is due for a trip back here in 2 days (Thursday) and I don’t know what to do when I see him face to face. I told him on one of our conversations, not to expect me to pick him up from the airport & to book himself in the hotel. Yesterday, I just saw in his email that he arranged for car rental on his arrival & stay. I have seen a lawyer to know my rights as I am still an alien in this country and also on IC.

I admire your strength, dignity and grace in dealing with yours Overthemoon88, thank you for sharing the most difficult times of your life, that I can get some wisdom & strength too. All the best to you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Looks like his family aren't shocked by what he did, OTM. Saddened, upset, disgusted even. But not shocked 

Are they surprised he could keep it in his trousers for so long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

It's been nearly a week since we got home from visiting ILs. I ended up not saying a word to FIL. I just didn't have the heart to ... He was so happy when we were back. Was invited to private dinners, seperately, with my SIL and BIL. The support from them both was tremendous.

SIL said her brother had never dared to utter a word over Christmas period as to why I was so very upset. She said he knew that if he did, he would never get out of the ountry alive !

I expressed my concern to BIL that STBXH will not respond to D petition. He assured me if that happens, to let him (BIL) know. He said he will call his brother to tell him that he has mesed about enough and to stop messing about now.

Strangely, FIL did not bring up the subject of his son at all during our stay there. I expected him to ask if his son would join us later in the hols (like before) or if we were catching up with him when our flight stop-overed in ME. The day we flew out, I left FIL a Father's Day card, in advance, pre-written before the trip, signed just me and my boy.

STBXH should be receiving the first letter from my lawyers this week, if not early next. He has 30 days to respond to a request for joint-petition according to agreeable terms (MY TERMS  ) ... Failing which, I will file for unilateral petition and I will not hesitate to name OW as co-respondent. 

Oh, btw, since DD2, I had 2 brief text messages from STBXH which I ignored  . Last nite, I received an email off him saying, "Hope everyone is OK. Was wondering if you might allow me to have my hotmail account back.
Thanks," ... Well, well ... I have downloaded enough from that account to form a full hard cover ring binder file. Both his siblings have a copy. In fact, on DD2, when I threw the file in front of him, he stared at it and said to me "Are you trying to send me to the gallows?" ... I looked him in the eyes and told him that he's doing that very well on his own and nothing in the file has been fabricated.

I wonder now why he wants his email account back ... Bearing in mind that he had no access to it in the last 5 months plus ...

Sorry if I am not yet responding to some posts above ... I haven't been able to bring up CWI nor TAM's main page for the past few days at home. Now I am sitting at a coffee place, and voila, no problem at all ... I hope it is not due to my home server ISP being blocked, for whatever reason. Will try again when I get home.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does he have access to your computer ?


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

OMG!! I'm sorry! What a strong and an inspirational lady you are!!! You've handle the whole thing so well and in the dignified way. Your son is a lucky boy; he's an amazing mum. Good luck with everything. Big Hug.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ok... Managed to solve my inability to access TAM ... Had to reset my home router. All is fine now.

Today has been a challenge for me. Carefully steering my son away from the big Father's Day commercialism. Like walking VERY QUICKLY past a signboard at the mall which screamed out, "My Father, My Superhero"  .Thankfully, everything seems normal and we had a lovely, quiet Sunday.

Betrayal, Kindone ... Thank you for your kind words of support.

The next few days should be interesting ... The first letter from the lawyers is out. The one sent to our residential address has been received by moi ... STBXH is, as I speak now, on the flight back to the UAE after a meeting in X country. The letter couriered to his office should be sitting on his desk when he walks in tomorrow. I shall brace myself for possible fireworks ...

Let me take the opportunity of the quiet moment I'm now having to catch up with the postings here. My apologies.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Does he have access to your computer ?


Warlock - No, he doesn't. We have a macbook which is mainly the home pee cee, used by son and me and house guests. I have my iPad. STBXH has never been much of an internet person. We replaced our old Fujitsu with this macbook just after DD1 and as far as I can recall, he has never been on the mac. He appears to be able to live solely on his Blackberry. He has an office notebook which he hardly travels home with.

What do you reckon ???


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Kindone said:


> OMG!! I'm sorry! What a strong and an inspirational lady you are!!! You've handle the whole thing so well and in the dignified way. Your son is a lucky boy; he's an amazing mum. Good luck with everything. Big Hug.


Thanks, Kindone ... Truth is I do struggle internally half of the time trying to hold the fort up. My IC whom I saw on Friday expressed his concern again that I am handling this saga all too calmly and 'calculatively' since the start of it all. He says sometimes the strong ones fall the hardest ... Of course between DD1 and DD2, I had cried my heart's out whenever my son was asleep or not watching. My tears had dried up a few days post-DD2. I see the path which must be taken.

I think IC is living with the guilt of losing a patient many years ago. A bloke who used to be the pillar of strength and reason in a group therapy which IC managed. One day, he stopped attending the sessions. IC asked his staff to ring him up to remind him of the next session. Only to be told he topped himself


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Looks like his family aren't shocked by what he did, OTM. Saddened, upset, disgusted even. But not shocked
> 
> Are they surprised he could keep it in his trousers for so long?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As mentioned, I had the opportunity of many one-to-one talks with my BIL and SIL and his bestest childhood mate when we were back in the UK.

BIL and missus said they were shocked to the core after being told of the existence of his mistress. They said they truly believe that he was well-settled with a family this time around.

SIL was more aggressive in her reaction of her brother's dalliance. She said STBXH has always been his late mum's "blue eyed boy" and for reason unknown, he spends his whole life "trying to prove himself". She called her brother a "prat" and a "sad ageing man who is going to find himself a lonely old man soon".

His best mate said he was shocked initially but then expressed his view that he should not be surprised with "the man working away from home" syndrome. But then, he also indicated that amongst a few close mates in their circle, STBXH has been pencilled in as the one "who is most likely to self destruct"


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

betrayal052113 said:


> I have been looking for support and I can relate to you in some ways. DD is 12 days ago and I am very raw with anger and hate. I am 50 and H is 61. Been married 12 years and lived in Middle East till 3 years ago, when we bought our home in U.S. We are also a mixed marriage and this is the first time I am living in the U.S. Me and my son stayed behind while H continues his work in ME.
> 
> xxxxxx
> xxxxxx
> ...


Ohhhh, Betrayal (((BIG HUGS)))

Do not admire my "strength" ... It is my coping mechanism when the reality hits me that reconciliation is no longer an option. If not for the child, I would have given him the boot the minute I found out about his betrayal. YOU TOO will find your strength. It sounds as if you do have a good head on your shoulders  . Lawyering up (i.e seeking legal opinion) is the first step which I feel every BS should take, whether or not they are taking the road to R.

I gave US a chance of R ... Taking into consideration the love we had, the history we shared, the future we have spoken about together. But to get it thrown back to my face on DD2, no ... There's NO WAY I could hand out another R on a silver platter.

Seek out support from your family and, if possible, your ILs, Betrayal ... I tried not to let my family in at the very start for fear of them hurting on my behalf. Now, I have no regrets. They may not be able to do much for me (that I can understand) but they are there for my son, more so than ever now.

Listen to your heart, listen to the tiny voice in your head. They may be in conflict but sooner or later, you will find the light at the end of the tunnel. My IC told me on Friday that - "well, well, your instinct has been spot on all these while". My instant retort to him was how I would have given everything in the world to be proven WRONG !!! But then, if not for these "instinct" - that I have been led down a false road of R by my STBXH - I would never have come upon DD2.

Let your WH do all the heavy lifting from now onwards. DO NOT settle for anything less !!!!!!!! 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Hmmm ... Maybe getting a bit nervous now ... STBX must have gotten the first communique from the lawyers. 2 missed calls from him. IGNORED !!!!!! Can't help but wondering what is going through his mind right now ... Will he throw in the towel and give up everything for "love' ?? Or will he turn around and call me an unreasonable [email protected] ???


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Overthemoon88 said:


> Hmmm ... Maybe getting a bit nervous now ... STBX must have gotten the first communique from the lawyers. 2 missed calls from him. IGNORED !!!!!! Can't help but wondering what is going through his mind right now ... Will he throw in the towel and give up everything for "love' ?? Or will he turn around and call me an unreasonable [email protected] ???


Well "love" usually wins out over money.

Of course, if someone loves money, all bets are off.

Hopefully he's still in lala land and thinks he's going to start a new life with her and decides not to fight you on this.

Good luck. I hope it goes your way.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Still no response from STBX.

Counting down the 30 days to respond ..... Not a happy bunny, me.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

30 days period to respond expired yesterday .

Looks like I will have to contact my lawyers on Monday to arrange for another meeting to discuss the next step. 

Gosh, I am really :banghead:


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Bloody hell, I am seething here :cussing:

So, STBXH is not responding to lawyer's letter and he is currently on a beach holiday with OW !

And there he is reinventing his life and his dad has just suffered a head trauma from a bad fall past weekend. His other son and daughter have been running around in circles, crapping themselves with worry. FIL is fine now. But :wtf:


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Guess what ?? 10 days after deadline, STBXH finally responded to solicitor's letter ... Boy, he is getting smart arsy now.

Below is an excerpt of his email :



> In respect of the specifics within the subject letter, then I would advise some inaccuracies, however none of these affect the intent of the letter or the fact that I did enter into an extra marital relationship. In fact* it may have been events within the marriage which occurred long before meeting Ms X that drove me to step over the line of normal behavior. We may need to go back further in history to gain a better understanding of my behavior in this regard, but I am not the monster that your client described me as.*
> 
> Notwithstanding this, it is not my intentions to implicate your client in my ultimate failings and weaknesses.


He is STILL rewriting our marital history and justify his reason for adultery !!!! 



> The intent of the subject letter is to seek an amicable solution based upon terms and conditions to be agreed in respect of a joint divorce petition.* My intention is to ensure that your Client and my son are comfortable and well catered for*.


Now, it will be interesting to hear how 'comfortable' his settlement will be  

Thoughts anyone ?? 

Have told solicitor I shall instruct him further tomorrow after discussion with family.


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## tiamaria02 (Jun 18, 2013)

Take him for all he has, make that POS pay. IMO... Maybe the OW is just some nasty gold digger. With little money, maybe he'll lose her and everything else. 

You deserve better!


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

Overthemoon, you sounds like your handling this beautifully. 

His reply on #61 makes him sound like a pompous prat! It doesn't matter why he had an affair, he did, end of story. It sounds a little like he cant believe what's happening, and he has his head buried deep in the sand.

I hope all the houses are still in your name from the 1st D Day. Your expensive lawyers will be worth it in the end. Nail him and have a fantastic life. Teach your son to be the man his father isn't. That will be your best revenge, because once the new girl finds someone else, she'll be gone, leaving him a lonely sad old man.

Please dont hold everything inside you too much though, Throw some plates at a picture of him, Cry when you need to. Pretty soon you'll be in a better place. 

It sounds really corny, but time is an amazing healer. Us Zimbos have a saying, Next year will be better - and some times it actually is!


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

tiamaria02 said:


> Take him for all he has, make that POS pay. IMO... Maybe the OW is just some nasty gold digger. With little money, maybe he'll lose her and everything else.
> 
> You deserve better!


Ahhh ... Wish I could take him for all he's got  ... But I will still have to work within the perimeters of the law 

Don't wonder anymore if OW is a gold digger. I just want to be rid of this lying, cheating, unremorseful [email protected]@rd. And ... They deserve each other !


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ryan_sa said:


> Overthemoon, you sounds like your handling this beautifully.
> 
> I am hurting still ... 8 months past DD1 ... But a different kind of hurt, if you know what I mean ...
> 
> ...


Errrr, what is / are Zimbos ??? (Excuse this ignoramus)


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

Hi, Zimbos are Zimbabweans, Were pretty much spread all over the world now. 

Sending you lots of positive vibes, keep looking after yourself.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I read only the first post but I'm astonished, your stbxh is over 50? How could he pull a 21 year old, he could be her grandfather! It's like robbing a cradle. :scratchhead:


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> I read only the first post but I'm astonished, your stbxh is over 50? How could he pull a 21 year old, he could be her grandfather! It's like robbing a cradle. :scratchhead:


Well, she was 19 years of age when they first met. He was 53 then. TBH, he has always looked younger than his age


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Updates 

Haven't posted for a long while ... My child and I are away on summer hols now. Our first stop was Barcelona ... On our second nite there, out of the blues (and with the help of my second glass of vino!), I looked him in the eyes and decided - the time has come. No pre-written script, no more trepidation. No more fretting what was going through his mind ... Does he ever wonder why he hasn't heard a pip from his dad for the last 3 months. I saw how much I really really love this little fella. He should be told the truth.

Me : You do realise, right, that your Dad and I were having some 'difficulties' ?

Son : **slight nod of the head**

Me : Well, I'm sorry ... It is not working out.

Son : **silence**

Me : Whatever happens, I will make sure that dad sees you at least once a month.

Me : Do you miss dad ?

Son : **very slight nod of the head**

Son : But I miss **name of doggie** the most !

Me : Do you know that Uncle **dad's brother** and Uncle **family bestest friend** have promised me that they will be there for you forever ?

Son : Oh, cool ! I like to have 2 more fathers 


Sigh ... There you go ... Sort of an anti-climax ... Of course I am keeping an eye on him to watch out for any belated reaction. So far, he has been very happy, in Barcelona, and also back here in the UK amongst Grandpa, family and loved ones.

Only FIL is left in the dark now. This should be my last trip back to the UK as his DIL. Son has agreed that this Christmas we will be staying put and be with just overselves .....

Thank you all on this board for the support here so far (((hugs)))


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Whether he's judging good companionship or loyalty, your son has good radar when it comes to choosing between doggie and Dad, doesn't he?

Glad to hear this went so well. He's with the parent that cares about him the most. You and the other people you surround him with - such as the uncles you mentioned - and doggie will no doubt ensure a wonderful upbringing, despite doofus Dad.

Please be good to yourself, too. You're obviously a fantastic Mom, and you're being so good to your son, but do go out of your way to be gentle and kind with yourself. You need it too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Think about outing him to the country he committed adultery in. Although you may not really consider doing it, you can still use that threat as leverage. In any event, its just him reaping what he has sown. There is no more justice than that.

You may find comfort in the NOT JUST FRIENDS linked to in my signature. There are many good books recommended at this website if you are reading other threads.

Good luck and prayers for you and your son.

Ps. I wish more of the posters could follow your lead


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Hopefulgirl --- thank you (((hugs))) ... I am past the stage of shock and tears and grief ... In fact, someone here in the UK learned of our 'separation' yesterday and she told me she is still shaking in disbelief. I said to her that everyone seems to be in a state of shock still except me !! Only the legalities to handle now. I might even give my STBXH a discount off my proposed settlement just to be rid of him !!!

Chaparral --- i thought of lodging an adultery report ... For a while, I did ... I care about STBXH as much as he cares about me - NONE ... But I care about my son and my FIL ... I cannot envisage the hurt of both son and father if that fool were to spend time languishing in a Middle Eastern jail. But, yes, I would consider using it as a leverage.

Another update : I did post the OW's profile on cheaterville  ... I subscribe to the notion that revenge is best served cold. I figure out that one day she will be graduate and be in the employment market and a permanent google search result will be ace :smthumbup: . But it looks as if she found out how 'famous' she is now and is seething !!! Poor dearie .....


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Overthemoon88 said:


> Hopefulgirl --- thank you (((hugs))) ... I am past the stage of shock and tears and grief ... In fact, someone here in the UK learned of our 'separation' yesterday and she told me she is still shaking in disbelief. I said to her that everyone seems to be in a state of shock still except me !! Only the legalities to handle now. I might even give my STBXH a discount off my proposed settlement just to be rid of him !!!
> 
> Chaparral --- i thought of lodging an adultery report ... For a while, I did ... I care about STBXH as much as he cares about me - NONE ... But I care about my son and my FIL ... I cannot envisage the hurt of both son and father if that fool were to spend time languishing in a Middle Eastern jail. But, yes, I would consider using it as a leverage.
> 
> Another update : I did post the OW's profile on cheaterville  ... I subscribe to the notion that revenge is best served cold. I figure out that one day she will be graduate and be in the employment market and a permanent google search result will be ace :smthumbup: . But it looks as if she found out how 'famous' she is now and is seething !!! Poor dearie .....


Hi OTM. Your story/posts keep me going. Way back when you got the little dog I thought you had turned the corner and was well on the road to recovery. 

I remember seeing the icon/photo of the little dog, and feeling that there is life and hope after going through WH's infidelity. 

Good luck. It is so good to hear that your son is coping well, and that he is so close to you. I love that he loves "doggie"... 

If/when I return to Australia I will be getting a cat! 

I hope to have more to post about my situation in about 3 - 4 weeks.

TAM/CWI is the best counselling ever ...


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

disconnected said:


> TAM/CWI is the best counselling ever ...


Totally AGREE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. -----> Diconnected : Had a hard time when doggie came home to us after spending a month with my parents. They, as grandparents do, spoilt her rotten !!! For the first week or so, she was turning her nose up at the dry food pellets. And my mum confessed to ONLY feeding her eggs and bread as treats. Ggrrrrrrrrrr.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

*More updates - still waiting ...*

OK ... Where do I begin ? Feeling absolutely horrible right now but nothing to do with STBXH  ... Down with a very bad cold, hacking and snotting. You don't want the full description !!!

The weekend before we were due to fly back from the UK, I was told by SIL and BIL that FIL already knew way back in June when we made the half-term trip ! Well, he was suspicious but he didn't want to broach the subject with me. He waited until we left and he accosted his two kids at home and asked them what's going on. Seems that SIL, after conferring with BIL and got his consensus, decided to tell him the truth. Even the part that OW is 22 ! SIL described her dad as being 'bloody infuriated' ...

While we were still there but travelling to other parts to meet up with friends, FIL gave STBXH's business card to his other son, with the instruction, "ask him to call soonest". To recap - his son hasn't called home to speak to his Dad, nor any member of his family, since early March. BIL then emailed STBXH to tell him "call home please. Dad wants to speak to you". It took him almost a week to call his Dad. FIL didn't narrate much about the phone conversation. Just that he asked STBXH "what the hell is going on". It seems STBXH said to his Dad "it's a long story. I'll explain it to you when I see you face-to-face". No mention of when he is making that trip home though.

His own bestest mate warned me that it is very likely that he will put a different spin to his story. SIL told BIL she bets his version will be "the world according to *insert STBXH's name*" ... I'm not breaking my head over that ... 

Got in touch with my solicitor, or rather, solicitor got in touch with me, the week I came home. September 6th. He got an email off STBXH about Letter of Demand for the boy's school fees. Saying he has just received it due to his busy work schedule (ooops, he forgot to mention that he was actually holidaying with OW in Bali and Singapore) and that he was disappointed at such short notice and that funds have been transferred to my account. Bear in mind that Letter Of Demand was emailed to him by solicitor on 6th of August !!!! And he did receive and read the email sent by his brother to the same address !!! I told my solicitor he is a bloody pathological liar 

Solicitor also informed me that STBXH is taking me to task for 'defamatory' statements made about OW on Cheaterville  ... He implied that statements were inaccurate and that I made mention of 'government agencies' etc etc. Cut the long story shot, I told him, look, I didn't know this woman ever existed. What I know came from the mouth of STBXH and the 6-inch-thick file of email correspondence between them. Copy of latter also in the hands of SIL and BIL. Read it and see I have made NO mention of any government agency whatsoever. Only her full name and nationality. Guess who is sh*tting in his pants right now about possibility of getting entangle with 'government agencies' ...

Speaking of which, I think STBXH really thinks I am capable of reporting him to authorities because I discovered that they vacated their love-nest to move into another apartment. This time, registered under her name instead. Geeez, ...

I am really trying very hard to brace myself physically and mentally for the battle ahead whilst altogether getting on with life with my son. New school year has just started and everything is in full swing  ... Son is still doing canny here. I am proud of him. Today he told me that he is voted in as the House Captain again. 

End of last week, I emailed my final instructions to my solicitor for settlement proposal and another Letter of Demand for the shortfall in the boy's school expenses. I refuse to be drawn into his childish allegation of non-access to child and me defaming his paramour on the internet. As a matter of fact, I told my solicitor to tell him "sue me" ! I dare her to travel here to instigate a legal proceeding ...

I will give myself till Friday before I get in contact with my solicitor again. Most likely, I will instruct him to go ahead and file unilaterally despite STBXH's agreement to do it as a co-petition. He wanted to use the same lawyer (tight-fisted git!) and mediate on the settlement. But he hasn't paid his retainer yet nor has he responded to solicitor's correspondence since the school fees issue !! I think he will flip big-time when he got wind of my proposed settlement offer. 

I am still seeing my IC once a month now. Last visit, 2 weeks ago, he told me that from Day 1, he finds that I'm a very 'processed' person. I jokingly asked him "do you mean 'processed' or 'possessed'???"  ... And he says it sounds as if my son takes after me in his resilience in handling this tragic state of affairs.

At this moment in time, I can say for certain that things have got to such a state that I don't ever want to see nor speak to STBXH again - dead or alive ... I am willing to handle communication with regard to the child via email and/or other electronic means. The person I married is dead and gone. I don't know this person anymore. I shall allow myself to grief once the ink is dry on the piece of paper.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

*Re: More updates - still waiting ...*



Overthemoon88 said:


> OK ... . The person I married is dead and gone. I don't know this person anymore. I shall allow myself to grief once the ink is dry on the piece of paper.


Exactly!! exactly the same feeling I have towards my husband.

GREAT to hear from you. 

You are doing a wonderful job with this devastating situation. Your son is fine ... gosh, Class Captain once again ... good on him.

And doggy is back home ... albeit with fussy tastes!! 


My kids have warned the cat that I might be on the way soon.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*Moon:
*
To his astonishment, your husband finds out you have more testicular fortitude than him.

To his astonishment, his solicitor discovers / will discover that throwing jurisprudence at you is like daring a proctologist.

To his astonishment, your son will (later) realize that during a critical existential crisis, you stood by him as Dad & Mom rolled into one.

To OUR astonishment, we see you stand up like a rock in the face of one of life’s harshest tribulations.

And we know, when the smoke clears, you will be standing tall.

*In sum: You’re the (wo)man.
*
Congratulations.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your stbx thought that his job and income gave him a right to a second wife in another village. Awesome that you out teched him with the Blackberry.

He needs to spend more time with your son. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

You are a very strong and wonderful woman, it's his loss (what a loser). Totally agree on the high incidence of affairs in the oil and gas industry. My H was in that for 15 years traveling to many countries. I heard about and witnessed many families breaking. Let me tell you if this b!tch dumps him one day he can find another young [email protected] to support in no time, that's the kind of industry it is in my opinion. It's like nothing wrong in it cos many of their colleagues are doing it. From what I have seen they never truly want R bcos life is too good as it is. But there will be time when they will regret everything. Hope everything goes smooth for you and your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your dealing with the mess with strength and maturity, your son will be proud of you when he's old enough to understand.

The OW sure hasn't won much here has she? At 22 she's hooking herself up to what 51/52yr old, who drinks heavily, acts cowardly and has no morals.

She's gonna burn through her twenties watching herself and him get older and uglier.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Moon:*
> 
> To his astonishment, your husband finds out you have more testicular fortitude than him.
> 
> ...


*carpenoctem*,

You are making me cry again ... Thanks for the positive vibes (((hugs))).

As I sit here in the study, working out my final version of our expenses list to be emailed to my Solicitor tomorrow, I read and re-read all the valuable words of support here. You guys really gave me the strength to plod along and battle ahead.

I think I should copy and paste some of your gems here onto a self-made poster to remind myself I CAN DO IT. We can do it. My boy and I.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Your stbx thought that his job and income gave him a right to a second wife in another village. Awesome that you out teched him with the Blackberry.
> 
> *He needs to spend more time with your son*.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the only thing that's hurting me now .....

The boy's 13th birthday is coming up in a few week's time ... I have a feeling that STBX will indicate, via my Solicitor, that he wants to see him ... Or maybe I'm being too optimistic !


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thewife said:


> You are a very strong and wonderful woman, it's his loss (what a loser). Totally agree on the high incidence of affairs in the oil and gas industry. My H was in that for 15 years traveling to many countries. I heard about and witnessed many families breaking. Let me tell you if this b!tch dumps him one day he can find another young [email protected] to support in no time, that's the kind of industry it is in my opinion. It's like nothing wrong in it cos many of their colleagues are doing it. From what I have seen they never truly want R bcos life is too good as it is. But there will be time when they will regret everything. Hope everything goes smooth for you and your son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I realised from the word GO how high the marital casualty rate is in the O&G industry. Somehow, I never thought it would happen to us. I believed we had a SOLID foundation. Not perfect. But nevertheless solid. I was wrong. I eat my words. 

The sense of entitlement amongst some of his industry-mates always strike me as shocking. 

There is this guy who suffered a serious work-place accident on site 2 years ago. He was airlifted to better medical facilities in Germany and then back home. He will never work again. Just a vegetable now. Being tendered to lovingly by his distraught Missus and family. Who are not aware that this man has a mistress and, possibly, a child, across the oceans. I hate to imagine the scenario when one day, he is no more, and his Missus were to discover his dirty secrets. Well, actually, I can imagine !! If I were to be put in her shoes in that situation ... I would most possibly dig up the body / un-interred his ashes and throw it into the bloody landfill !!!!!!!!!


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Here I am again .....

Just pressed the 'SEND' button to my solicitor.

Final version of our expenses list and the go-ahead to the following :

1. Filing of unilateral petition based on breakdown of the marriage on grounds of adultery of Respondent with Miss X (passport number provided) at an address in the UAE to be provided for in due course. The address is one of my last ammunitions as he doesn't know I know where he 'installed' his mistress !!! And if he knows I know, he will start sh*tting in his pants as to whether I will go to the extent of ringing up the friendly coppers  .

2. Filing of interim maintenance and child support. 

3. Full custody of Child. I don't see him fighting this. As a matter of fact, I am not supposed to know where he has taken himself underground now. But I do know but will plead ignorance to the court for now.

4. Temporary injunction to prevent the Child being taken out of the country by Respondent. 99% not likely but one always fear the 1% chance.

I said to the solicitor last Friday that I am tired of waiting for him to do the honourable thing. He is not treating the situation with any sense of urgency nor degree of importance. And that even though I have not got a toyboy waiting at the helm  (unlike you-know-who), I was really looking forward to a merry Christmas. I want to move on. I was never a good chess player. I don't want to be part of STBXH's game anymore. Also told my solicitor that he is free to pass my number along to any potential candidate of a toyboy when it is all done and dusted  .

My wedding anniversary was a few days ago. I don't want to say 'our' wedding anniversary. Strangely, it didn't occur to me the (in)auspiciousness of the date till well after lunch hour. No, I didn't cry. In fact, I think I am well into the self-preservation mode now cos I only briefly recalled some of the guests who turned up and not much of anything else. 

No trigger. No emotion. And I didn't even have a drink to de-sensitize it all !!


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm in tears tonight ... Sh!t ... I haven't cried for a long while.

My son turns 13 tomorrow. Last time he saw his Dad or spoke to him was on May 9th. This evening I was informed by the security personnel downstairs that someone left a package at the guardhouse for us.

To cut the story short, no, it wasn't my STBXH who dropped by. He must have sent someone else to drop a gift bag. Inside was a note to son which says, "Happy birthday. Hope you have a great day. I miss you terribly. Hope ***insert son's favourite football team** lose today. Love, Dad".

I shall give him the present tomorrow and tell him it's from his dad. No two ways about it. I'm half contemplating to take out the note from the gift bag.

The floodgate of tears opened tonight. I'm crying, not for my marriage which turned out to be a sham. I am crying for my child who's world has been turned upside down because of the selfishness of the person he worships.

It was his sports day this morning. I met up with his form tutor and started a casual conversation. I asked him how has son been in school since the start of the new school year. His form tutor spoke highly of him. Says he gets nothing but positive reviews from son's subject teachers. I asked if he has noticed any change in demeanour in him. He says no. As a 'by the way, Mr. X", I told him that there is some marital issues in our family front and that I didn't see the need to inform the school since I am still trying to get the legalities sorted out. He appeared taken aback and reiterated that son didn't give him any indication that all is not alright on the home front.

13 years ago, today, my contraction started. Went into labour 7 hours later. There was so much joy and happiness when he arrived into this world. I remember his dad cried when he first held him. We were (so) happy till I got the phone call on 9th November, 2012, from OW. What on earth happened ??

With regard to the legalities, I have instructed my solicitor a few days ago to get the proceedings started without any more waiting from STBXH to play his game. He agreed / suggested joint-petition before the summer hold. My solicitor was banking on that. I didn't mind either.

STBXH hasn't paid his retainer fee yet ... Few weeks ago, he contacted my solicitor asking him for a breakdown of his retainer's fee. Upon receiving it, informed my solicitor that he "needs to check with his legal department in Dubai to see if the fee is reasonable" ... WTH !!!

No further contact from him ever since.

HE is the one who's got a little bit on the side, waiting at the helm. But he is not in a hurry to get the legalities over and done with.

I can't believe I married this weakling !

Where did I go wrong ?

And caught in this mess which HE created is an innocent child.

The same child HE is supposed to love and protect.

I am angry, in a way, that there is no apologies in bis birthday note to his son. Just a "I miss you terribly" ... No "sorry for the hurt I caused to our family" ... No "sorry I opted for a life with OW which does not include you".

God, I need a stiff whisky .....


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Listening To Mika's Any Other World ... Just love the performer in him ... Even doggie knows I am sad  ... Got to pull myself together ...


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have followed your thread and admired how you have handled this very difficult time. Your son will be fine. He has a good mother and extended family and is much more blessed than the average child. You will have gained much wisdom and inner strength to share with him than you had before. You will be a help and encouragement to others going through betrayal. You will have ups and downs but it will even out eventually. Don't give up!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Overthemoon, hang in there. I wouldn't worry too much about your Son if his father decides not do the "right thing" and try to spend time with him, etc..

Your stbxh is not a good roll model. I really don't know that your son's personal development will suffer if his father is not a regular part of his life.

My parents never divorced. They probably should have, but they didn't. My Father never spent much time with me, or two of my three Brothers, when we were kids. He had more important things to do back then.

I have to tell you that I didn't turn out worse because of it. Quite the opposite. 95% of my parental contact from age 0 to 19 was spent with my Mom. The reason I have the sense of humor I have, a razor sharp wit and I was always a little wiser than my years, was do to my Mom. EVERYONE loved her and to this day, friends and family still bring up things that she's said and done that made them laugh and she passed away in 2001, at 56.

It's because she was not only a much better person than my father, she was a much better parent.

I realized in my 20's that if my parents had divorced when I was 8(and they almost did), it really would have had no negative effect on how I turned out, or who I am today.

You can feel bad for you Son if(when) his father doesn't spend enough time with him, If he squanders his chances to be a bigger part of your Sons life.

Just realize that, it's not going have much of an effect on if your Son's happy, or how good of a man he will grow to become.

This will be in the largest part, determined by you, his Mom. You're who matter's the most to him. You're the much, much, better person and parent. Don't ever loose sight of that.


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## Peony55555 (Nov 4, 2012)

OTM88 you will be great....this sadness is normal.....you are so strong....reading this I am amazed!!!! how strong you are....I have been told that I am strong, but I have a LOT of days like your yesterday....fewer all the time as its now been a little over a year for me.... But you are way stronger...be kind to yourself, your new best friend!


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

"I miss you terribly." Who's he trying to fool, himself or your son?

Probably both. 

Weeks turn into months when someone is in the fog, and they don't realize how much precious time has gone by; they don't know up from down, or their a** from a hole in the ground. And they treat their spouse like crap, but to ignore his own child - it doesn't get much lower than that.

I'm sure the rejection you feel for yourself is awful enough, but as a mother you ache and worry so much more for your child. But he'll do fine, because he's got such a wonderful mother. (A pet always helps, too!)

It's important to feel your sadness. Grieve what has been lost. But take time to pat yourself on the back for how well you've handled this, because your son is doing SO well! He's VERY lucky to have you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you post some more doggie pictures ?  (Do you actually call him "doggie" ?)


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Here she is ..... 






























Quite a little madam she is.

Not Doggie !!!!! Reina ... After a Spanish footballer.


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## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

OTM, 

You're a strong person and I go hope things are going well for you. Any updates? 

Merry Christmas.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Talking about Reina makes me more relaxed now to post my updates 

We are now spending the festive hols with our dearest family friends on our holiday home on an island somewhere. We brought along Son's best mate. We are all having a lovely time.

No request from STBXH to see his son for Christmas. In fact, I found out more than a month ago that he and OW booked their flights to the UK. Arriving on Christmas Eve and leaving via London sometime January. His sister is seething and told me she is not having them over for Xmas lunch where Dad will be. His bestest friend's wife says her husband is not that comfortable with his homecoming.

We called Grandpa first thing on Christmas morning to wish him and thank him for the prezzies we brought home in the summer (!!). I thought FIL sounded a bit sombre and not his usual chirpy, cheeky self until the last minute. I won't be calling back anymore to find out how the atmosphere is in the household. I believe in good time, news will filter back to me.

Son has not heard from his Dad since the 9th of May. I was prepared for him to request to see him on his birthday in October. To the extent of shortlisted my candidates to do the official handover. Nope. I guess he was too jetlagged to fly another two hours to see his son after a good holiday with OW in Bali.

Life goes on. I expect I shall be called up for the tribunal hearing and I hope to get my judicial separation sorted out by first half of January.

Boy is doing fantastic in school. Chalked up an 'exceptional' in another subject in his end of first term report. Played well for his school in a tournament in Bangkok in November. All-in-all, I'm so proud of my little man.

I did break into tears on the nite of Xmas Eve ... Not for the man I thought I knew and who is now gone from my life (well rid) but for my son who may one day yearn for his dad. The image of the dad he thought he knew.

I have moved on ... My child has moved on ... And we've got Reina


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

work computer blocked the pics. grrrrr.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry you had this experience, but glad that you are moving forward. 

I do not understand why your son's Dad does not have any contact with him. Maybe he is too ashamed, but he could also be extremely selfish.

I do think they are very selfish(cheaters). My wife wanted a new smartphone for Christmas. She got one, I hope she uses it wisely. I spent about 10 hours putting together a quilting table for her. I doubt if the OM would do something like that. 

She got me a picture frame with a saying, part of it talking about forgiveness. Thanks so much. 

I hope in your divorce you find a way to mention that he does not even try to see his son, let alone the way he treated you. 

Hope for a better future for you and your family.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ironic how our lives continue in the midst of our pain. 

The OW got a sugar daddy. You and your son have not lost much. If he has not contacted your son in so long he is not much of a father and just shows how immature he is.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> work computer blocked the pics. *grrrrr.*


For a while, I thought you are talking to Reina cos she seldom barks but she goes around with a deep ggrrrrrrrrrr 

A peaceful Boxing Day evening.

Boy and mate and mentor glued to the telly for Boxing Day footy match. We stick to tradition still !

Happy Christmas, one and all .......


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Harry,

The thing that irks me the most is that in every correspondence with my solicitor, he goes on and on about me locking him out of his Hotmail account (which I created) and of me defaming his OW on Cheaterville. In his 300-word essay of a correspondence, he would end it, like an aforethought, with a one-liner "I am still being denied access to my son" !!!

In my last meeting with my solicitor when I said, that's it, I am not waiting for him to come to an amicable settlement anymore, I did point out to my solicitor that in his once a month communication with the lawyer, how often does he mention his son. Least of all, has he ever asked my solicitor to put in a request for access.

Sigh ... I now see his true colours.

My hurt is over.

I am being absolutely clinical now and that keeps me sane.

I am pleased, Harry, that you and missus are on the path of R ... I wish you both all the best. It takes two people to really work on R. In my situation, I wAs the only party in our R.

(((Hugs)))


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Overthemoon88 said:


> Harry,
> 
> The thing that irks me the most is that in every correspondence with my solicitor, he goes on and on about me locking him out of his Hotmail account (which I created) and of me defaming his OW on Cheaterville. In his 300-word essay of a correspondence, he would end it, like an aforethought, with a one-liner "I am still being denied access to my son" !!!
> 
> ...


So the poor man can't create a new hotmail account? How insensitive of you to deny him access. Maybe his 21 old GF can show him how to open a new hotmail, gmail, yahoo, or whatever email account he wants.

And of course the defamation. To me, it would only fall in that category if the statements written or spoken were untrue. If the truth is spoken or written then the case for defamation is defeated.

Furthermore, the denial of access to his son.

It amazes me, and I went through this with my wife earlier this year, the lies the cheater comes up with in regards to just about anything. I will say that having a wife who came clean and repented in April, that I have an understanding of the cheater's thought process after my wife revealed quite a bit. First, they are in a mode of self protection. It is pure selfishness. They want to protect thier world and you are the one who is interfering with that world, in your STBXH's mind. To us (the BS'ers), the cheater's comments and actions seem stupid. i do think they take a stupid pill. Any person with an ounce of education should be able to define defamation and should realize that if the truth is spoken and in your case the OW is posted on cheaterville, your STBXH's choice of words show his ignorance. His time would be better spent in asking in the D decree if there is a way for you to remove this posting. I would tell him to pound sand and if I was headed for D, he would be posted on cheaterville as well after the D is finalized. 

The cheaters oftertimes focus on those things that matter so little or makes no sense. Again, it has to do with taking the stupid pills. Honestly, if he is making an issue of his son, where is his proof of you denying him access and where has he been? It is a none starter and he is just being stupid. And then the hotmail account, just stupidity again.

If he wanted to make a case against you then he should focus on real issues, but that is the mindset of the cheater, stupidity rules and reigns.

Let him keep shooting himself in the foot and watch what you say to his family. They may be on your side but things you say may get back to your STBXH.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thanks for posting the pics...

She is pretty cute...Now only if we can get disconnected post some cat pictures


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Thanks for posting the pics...
> 
> She is pretty cute...Now only if we can get disconnected post some cat pictures


Yes, please, Nana Disconnected !!!


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> If he wanted to make a case against you then he should focus on real issues, but that is the mindset of the cheater, stupidity rules and reigns.
> 
> Let him keep shooting himself in the foot and watch what you say to his family. They may be on your side but things you say may get back to your STBXH.


Thorburn, thanks for your sage words.

In response to his whinging to my solicitor about his Hotmail account, I wrote back : (excerpt as copied and pasted below)

Again, my priority, first and foremost, is the welfare of my Child. I do not deem it beneficial to dedicate so many lines, time and time again, to matters which do not form the subject core of the Case.

On Cheaterville :

My priority, first and foremost, is the welfare of my Child. I do not regard as beneficial to dedicate so many lines, time and time again, to the matter of reputation of a person of questionable repute. I reiterate again - the welfare of my Child is, and has always been, paramount.

On the denial of access issue :

In view of the Respondent's previous parenting history, i am at loss to respond to this. By the way, if Respondent is ever “interested to know”, the Child is handling the catastrophe, which he did not seek for, with much strength and maturity. For this, i have BOTH of our families and friends to thank eternally.

For the Record, on 6th April, 2013, at 10:25 p.m, Respondent has chosen to abandon the Child at the disembarkment gate of Xxx International Airport to rush home to the Co-Adulterer. This, despite, knowing that Child had a 10-hour layover in Xxx. Respondent’s instruction to me then was, “Get an airport hotel and put it on the Card”. There was no further communication from Respondent until boarding time of flight. DESPITE being in the same city. Nor did he display any interest in where the Child was putting up for the night. I trust he was putting the best interest of the Child before his own interest (??).

I always tell myself that, as between him and his own family, blood is thicker than water. I don't feel the need to add to any more of the truth behind the disintegration of our marriage. Both his brother and sister have got a file of the tawdry email exchanges at the start of the affair.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

what a sad man, throwing his family aside for a 22 year old girl (child), I am 31 and when I was 28 and dated 21 years old I considered them inmatures and not fulfilling in the intelectual aspect (for the lack of experience and knowladge even if they were educated), is going to be so sad when he wakes up from his infatuation and realize what he has lost.

One day he may be willing to reconnect with his son and that bridge maybe will be already burned forever.

I admire the way you are handling things, and is good that you are a Smart woman and in some way you secured yourself financially when you learned about his infidelity.

stay strong I am sure that good things are waiting for you this 2014.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think Thorburn summed it up nicely: selfishness, self-protection, and stupid pills.

:smthumbup:

He sounds like a complete dope who is out of touch with reality, but you and your son and Reina seem to be doing FINE. Which is wonderful news!! So glad to hear it.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

We may one of the first ones in the forum to cross into 2014 ... Oh, Disconnected will be just about crossing the threshold now  ... Have a happy new year, everyone ... Wishing all of you the best of health and abundance of happiness ... We will survive !!


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Updates on eve of Valentine's Day 

Affidavit for judicial separation is finally filed today :smthumbup: . Took longer than initially expected. After some to-ing and fro-ing of correspondence between STBXH and my solicitor and it getting nowhere towards a proper dissolution of our marriage.

OW named in affidavit. Passport number et al. Amongst the Exhibit A to Exhibit J to be produced in court, part of the voluminous emails between them, including the one where she proclaimed, "hee hee, I got a British sperm inside of me now, thank you".

It was a mind-numbing process getting the paperwork together. The pain is long gone. Just the feeling of "How on earth did I put up with this crap?". 

Big thank you to Disconnected, who just yesterday, sent me a PM of support ... ((Hugs)) ... We share the same timeline and we now look ahead to 2014 with much optimism. It can only get better ...

I shall now sit back and wait for the fireworks .....

Cheers all.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Wishing You Well


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks, Syco 

My priority is and has always been my son. He is thriving in his father's absence. I thank God and all who supported us for that.

In my affidavit, I am allowing access on one weekend a month, Saturday and Sunday. Bear in mind that STBXH is not in the country. I consider that to be pretty generous and mindful of the number of flights he has to pay for.

Someone posed the question to me - what if son refuses to see him ..... I didn't have to ponder long and hard for the answer ... I will tell him he HAS to go and see his father ... I will explain to him that a promise is a promise is a promise and I have made the promise to the Court.

It really sucks when a child is involved  . STBXH never cares two hoots for his collateral damage. Not on DD1 when he dodged the issue altogether. Not on DD2 when I asked him to leave and he took time to collect two toilet rolls (!!!) from the store room next to son's room but not even stepping foot into the room to have one 'last' look at his sleeping child.

Well rid now.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

may beautiful things happen to you, lady.

your son is lucky to have you. so will someone else be, some other day.

would like to see a photograph of yours, for no reason.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ex-parte hearing set for mention on 10th of March. I won't have to attend. Papers will be served thereafter on STBXH and his Company (latter for attachment of salary).


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Good luck..

Hope your son is coping this a little better.

Also, how is doggie(Reina) doing ?


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Good luck. Thank you, Warlock. Hope all is well for you too.
> 
> Hope your son is coping this a little better.
> Am always keeping an eye on him. I think he's at a beginning stage of coming to the end of processing the whole situation, if you know what I mean .....
> ...


Great ! She's got a sister now - a Yorkiepoo !


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

OTM88, you rock.

The expat element matches my experience a bit, esp. the involvement of the ex Soviet bloc countries. My stbx liked them mid 20s. *rolleyes*

Glad to hear that your life is back on track...and loved the dog pics.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Hope that the fireworks are entertaining.

DARLING doggies!!! :smthumbup: I know they give you lots of love.


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