# Should I confess?



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Back in May 2010, I met someone online. He is also married with 2 children. We talked almost everyday for 8 months (except when he wasn't at work.) I never met him in person. I would chicken out every time we would set up to meet. Over the course of 8 months, I grew pretty attached him and he got pretty attached to me. He shared with me his home address, where he worked, his cell number, work number, everything. I however never returned the favor. 

Over the last 7 years my marriage had been going down hill. The last 2 years have been the worst on me. My H has refused to meet my needs for sometime. I am not talking just about sex. I want an emotional connection with someone. My H and I have lost our connection somewhere along the way. ( I really don't know where we lost it.) My H won't hear me when I talk to him about these issues, to him there are no issues to talk about and we end up in a huge fight. anyways...

I broke it off with the OM in December 2010. I haven't talked to him since then. I do sometimes regret that i never got physical with him, or at least never met him. but then again i would have regretted it later anyway. I don't think my H ever suspected anything going on and if he did he didn't say anything.

I do feel a little bit guilty, because of the things we talked about, things i probably shouldn't have talked to another man about. Do you think I should tell my H about this or just keep it to myself?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

What you had was an eight month Emotional affair [EA] this is what I am on the other end of at the moment. Read about EA on this forum and how they are just as destructive as a physical affair. In my case I would have preferred her to have a one night stand with a football team..

If its over.
If its gone from your life and you are going to try and make your marriage work. Then don't tell him! 

YOU were the one that for the last 8 months failed to meet your husbands needs. It is not in anyway his fault. Maybe try talking to him. 

You will destroy him if you tell him
You will break his heart and it won't heal in the same shape again.
You will destroy your marriage.

Some will say you already have destroyed your marriage. 

If you tell him you have to be prepared for the consequences. I threw my wife out. Being a little bit in love and sharing intimate details with another man cuts right to the heart of a mans self image and breaks any love and trust you may still have.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---at this point in time you have even worse issues than your EA---you have basically a destroyed mge----If you either do not FORCE your H to at least communicate, and/or change---then you will at some point cheat, more than likely physically.

I don't know if you have committed an EA, by giving your heart to the OM, or you just innapropriately spent to much time talking to the OM---At this point it doesn't really matter---what you must do is decide in your own mind whether to continue this sham of a mge you are in

You can tell your H, about your inapropos liason on the computer, and maybe it will wake him, and maybe it will lead to D---but one way or the other you will have made some movement involving your stagnant, dying mge

You should probably lay it out to your H. no matter what, that you can't continue, and if he can't act like an involved H---then you need to end the mge---what have you to lose---nothing else is working---and this way you won't be cheating in the future


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You should probably lay it out to your H. no matter what, that you can't continue, and if he can't act like an involved H---then you need to end the mge---what have you to lose---nothing else is working---and this way you won't be cheating in the future


Good point.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

speaking from personal experience, you had a full blown EA girl, guilt is a good thing at this point, and you would do quite well for him AND you if you do confess. Yes yes yes. Your husband has a right to know how badly things have gotten between you, unfortunately it takes something like this to shake a couple up. This is just my opinion.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Thanks for sharing.

I remember back in college how i would sit and listen to my professors talk about how people are influenced as i sat their thinking "People are really dumb, in general" As a society, we are not dumb, just really really selfish. That is what will end us. Not a meteor, not angels opening seals and not some Mayan calendar predictions.

Anyone who reads this post needs to see the thought process here and let this post be a living breathing example of why this board exists.

Rarely do we see such a blatant example of pure selfishness as we see in this post. It is the embodiment of self-serving and in my opinion Ladybyrd, you should not be married at all to anyone.

You cheated on your husband, not because you were weak but because you were filling your needs to serve yourself.

Not only do you not feel bad about it, you actually REGRET not having gotten physical with him. Someone give this gal a "Wife of the year" award. 

Why dont you evaluate yourself a second... Here, let me help... You said this:

"Over the last 7 years my marriage had been going down hill. The last 2 years have been the worst on me. My H has refused to meet my needs for sometime. I am not talking just about sex. I want an emotional connection with someone."

*MY *marriage? Worst for *ME*? *MY *needs? I want an emotional connection with *SOMEONE*? Your problem isn't with your husband, it is with yourself. In one paragraph you have single handedly displayed everything wrong with humanity. 

After all this self-serving behavior, and the disgusting displays of "ME ME ME" you have the audacity to say you feel guilty a "bit" But you dont really, remember, because you regret not sexing it up.

The nail in the coffin here is the idea of your post in the first place. The only reason for you NOT to tell your husband is because of how it will effect YOU. The fact that you have to ask strangers if you should do the right thing, proves that your selfish nature consumes you and defines you.

Now i want this clear... I believe that marriages can be saved after infidelity. I am proof of that myself. But you have to start with something good, a good foundation to build on. Ladybyrd, you are on another planet. Marriage is not something cut out for folks like you. I am not saying divorce your husband and find someone else, I am saying leave him and dont burden anyone with your selfishness until you have reformed.

This is a much different side of me, than a lot of people here have seen. The reason for that is simple. I offer advice and opinions under the assumption that both parties CAN be worked with. Selfish people should be single. And you ... should be single.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> Thanks for sharing.
> 
> I remember back in college how i would sit and listen to my professors talk about how people are influenced as i sat their thinking "People are really dumb, in general" As a society, we are not dumb, just really really selfish. That is what will end us. Not a meteor, not angels opening seals and not some Mayan calendar predictions.
> 
> ...


Wow, well put.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

twotimeloser, I'm speechless


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Twotime

Life is rarely so black and white. Did my wife have an EA? Yes. Was it right? No, definitely not! Did i drive her into it? Absolutely! Three years of zero emotion and affection from me due to my depression would be tatamount to emotional abuse. Do i take responsibility for my wifes EA? Well, absolutely not. But i can also see that if i was even half the man at the time our marriage went downhill it wouldnt have gone downhill at all. Did she try to communicate this to me? Yes. Did i listen? Not a chance. The ironic part of my entire mess was that after starting my manning up journey, i realized that 99 percent of the issues that drove me to depression wern't even issues at all. Now, those problems seem so petty to me.

As per ladybird, you are starting to feel guilty, which is a good start to your remorse. At the same time, you do in fact still feel like you should have went through it all the way. There is a black hole in your marriage somewhere, and you will continue to feel this way until you fill that hole that leaves you wanting, or you decide your marriage just isnt fulfilling anymore and you need to be happy.

To the others, people get tempted all the time. Yes, ladybird had an EA, but when it came time to meet up with the other man, she didnt. What does that tell us? She still has value in her marriage enough to NOT want to go through with a PA. I think this is a good thing. Hell, i get tempted at the grocery store, doesnt mean im going to try to go trough with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, twotimeloser, you just made me feel better about my situation. Throughout my ordeal, I keep saying how selfish my H is being. Well, it ultimately is that. He is having ANOTHER emotional affair, and did he bother to tell me he was unhappy? NEVER. Have we been happy? Yes? Were my needs met? No. But I never put myself in the situation to stray. And now, he feels guilty about it but continues to lie till he dies because I'm onto him. He does have a bit of a conscience I supposed, which is why he won't tell me the truth, but maybe it's that selfishness kicking in again with how he won't be able to have everything he wants and come out looking like a hero. 

This is the 2nd EA for my H, even though I have no solid proof. The first EA, I was completely blindsided by. I knew something was up with my H and consistently tried to figure out what was wrong and he kept saying it was work. Then I was blindsided, and luckily he quickly came out of the fog. But now, it is an ex gf from his past. He very well could have gone PA this time, but again I have no proof. It's all selfishness. He should have never gotten married. He gave me some good years, and comes off as a good guy, but life is all about him. And now my kids and I pay the price. Is he thinking of me when he does these things I don't like? When I catch him talking to her in the middle of the night and tell him I don't think he should continue the friendship, and he refuses to cut the friendship because "it's not fair to her or me." 

I'm disgusted. I am truly disgusted with the selfish mentality. I understand humans as a species are selfish, but I wouldn't dare, couldn't imagine, betraying someone who puts all their faith in you. I see a lot of this in the OP's post. Not much remorse, it's all about her. I hope you do tell him, OP. He is being punished and you are justifying it.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Tourchwood said:


> twotimeloser, I'm speechless


I knew i would catch hell for it, but hey... it is my serious opinion. 

No way i can resist.... when i see " I regret not getting physical"

I cant post straight from the textbook everytime... That is Affaircar's department. LOL 

Seriously though... I want to know what city she lives in, so i can watch the police chase the husband on the highway after she tells him "I should have done the naked dance with him"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Should you confess? Yes. You should.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I am starting to feel guilty, I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and yet did it anyway... I have learned a couple of things through all of this.
1.) No matter who i had an EA with he would have never filled that void I was looking for. The only man who can do that is my H. He is the one i WANT, not someone else.
2.) I got lost along the way, I have found myself again. 
3.) learn from your mistakes and NEVER repeat them.

What I should have said it that I regretted not moving the EA to a PA at the TIME. However, now i am happy that i had the strength not to do it. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. And the guilt of that would have destroyed me.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

ing said:


> What you had was an eight month Emotional affair [EA] this is what I am on the other end of at the moment. Read about EA on this forum and how they are just as destructive as a physical affair. In my case I would have preferred her to have a one night stand with a football team..
> 
> If its over.
> If its gone from your life and you are going to try and make your marriage work. Then don't tell him!
> ...



I agree with him! I think that if you tell him at this point then you are opening a door of who knows what! I wouldn't cause you werent that involved you didnt get together with him or share where you lived your phone number or anything I think that he was something to get you by until you hubby came around! 

And emotional does hurt more then physical


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

alphaomega said:


> Twotime
> 
> Life is rarely so black and white.


Sometimes it is.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

sunflower said:


> And emotional does hurt more then physical


I am really up in the air on that one...

I mean wife #1 had many PAs and no attachment emotionally... Wife #2 had an EA with no physical contact at all...

My reaction to them were very different.

With Wife#1, i didnt even try... I decorated my lawn with her stuff, changed the locks and divorced her in the most aggressive way possible... took the kids, filed restraining orders and didnt stop until she was homeless and begging for mercy.

Wife #2 was opposite of that, we went to therapy, followed a great process and healed up deep wounds. There was true remorse present from her and a willingness to forgive from me.

Both sucked, but i cant tell you which was worse. I suppose it depends on a persons personal perceptions, buti bet that it has more to do with LOVE LANGUAGES.

See, I am a physical touch person... so physical affairs would be the end all for me. To a words of affirmation, or quality time person.. EA's would probably be the one to send them over the edge.

That would be my guess.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

twotimeloser said:


> I am really up in the air on that one...
> 
> I mean wife #1 had many PAs and no attachment emotionally... Wife #2 had an EA with no physical contact at all...
> 
> ...


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

sunflower said:


> I agree with him! I think that if you tell him at this point then you are opening a door of who knows what! I wouldn't cause you werent that involved you didnt get together with him or share where you lived your phone number or anything I think that he was something to get you by until you hubby came around!
> 
> And emotional does hurt more then physical


I don't want to hurt my H, that is the last thing i want do. My husband still hasn't come around though. I am trying to figure out how to get back what we have lost, if that is even possible. My H is my soul mate.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

you should confess...the amount of details should be up to him, about what he wants to know, that's up to him, the guilt you feel is good, the fact that you broke off contact is good. Don't feel the regret, as in that it's not normal, I think you are still in the fog, this is just my personal opinion. You should confess, he deserves that. I am not gonna lie, I missed my ea/pa after I broke off contact, even though it wasn't emotional, I missed the conversation for like a week or so, but I have shut him down the twice he tried to contact me, and told hubby everytime. Let me correct myself, it was an EA affair, just didn't really hit that romantic stage.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and twotime...I am a words of affirmation/emotional person, so the EA's that my hubby had hurt way more.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

OH I dont know if you should though I mean confessions will lead to you either divorcing or working it out with resentment and him doing the same or worst...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I should state, that my EA/PA wasn't romantic, he was emotionally filling my needs, but it never got romantic, but it was physical, just to make a point. It really doesn't make a difference in my case.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Know what? If you really have to torture yourself over this, maybe the best answer is "NO" and simply break up and move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think confessing is the right thing to do because if you don't you are being selfish by keeping your partner in the dark about the TRUTH about your relationship with them.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This question really is rediculous.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

No question is a rediculous questions! lol ok this is something that you will have to make the choice alll by yourself. Is this something that you could live without telling him or will the guilt eat at you until you do?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I should say, that it was an unfortunate one time deal, it was purely physical, it happened twice over a horrible week period, and we were only friends for a couple of months, and he was gone, never saw him again. I missed having someone that actually listened to me, I never ever ever had any desire to pursue him in a romantic way, but anyways back to the thread, yes do tell!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Coupla hail Marys go and sin no more......


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> See, I am a physical touch person... so physical affairs would be the end all for me. To a words of affirmation, or quality time person.. EA's would probably be the one to send them over the edge.
> 
> That would be my guess.


I am the same way. With words of affirmation close to 2nd and quality time 3rd (all pretty close). I probably should have been sent over the edge, and at first I Was.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RWB said:


> The point... Exculding ONS, I find it hard to believe that in a long term affair that is Physical there is not somekind of Emotional attachment also.


*Question for all: * How long would an affair have to be to be considered a long-term affair? Just curious.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

That is a good question, I would say anything over a year?


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

From my experience, the long-term secrecy, lying, hiding and deceit have become as much of a betrayal at the EA itself.

You need tell him because it will be so much worse if he were to find out for himself. He will NEVER trust you again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> *Question for all: * How long would an affair have to be to be considered a long-term affair? Just curious.


Anything past a week or two.

Beyond that piles on the toxic offense to your marriage as deliberate infliction of offense disguised as something else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> From my experience, the long-term secrecy, lying, hiding and deceit have become as much of a betrayal at the EA itself.
> 
> *You need tell him because it will be so much worse if he were to find out for himself. He will NEVER trust you again*.


Agree on all points. If he finds out on his own, it is going to be a thousand times worse. Trust that. 



paramore said:


> That is a good question, I would say anything over a year?


1 yr is a long time!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

About as long as any product warranty, say 90 days.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

A year is along time!! 

I would have told him, if he would have asked! He never did/hasn't asked. I haven't lied to him either, he never asked, so nothing to lie about. As far as acting "strangely" while this entire thing was going on I didn't act any differently towards my H. 

There is no way he would ever find out, unless I told him. The only way he would ever find out is if the OM contacted my H. And that would be impossible. The om never even knew my last name or even my H's real name. 

Honestly, now that i think about everything, the OM was an ass, pushy, a manipulator. I am grateful for not taking it any further and ending it with him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I look at the above posts, I am changing my answer, yeah, anything over a few weeks is a long term, I thought about my answer, and agree completely.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> I would have told him, if he would have asked! He never did/hasn't asked. I haven't lied to him either, he never asked, so nothing to lie about.


I disagree. You are lying to him by ommission. You are lying to him every day he thinks you guys are in monogamous relationship where you haven't sdtepped out on him. His idea of your marriage is a lie because he doesn't know the truth. 



ladyybyrd said:


> As far as acting "strangely" while this entire thing was going on I didn't act any differently towards my H.


You only THINK this but my bet is he definitely thought something was up with you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

dear ladybyrd tell him...it's the RIGHT thing to do.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

You guys are right. I should really tell him, and I will. It is the right thing to do. 

Should I contact the OM wife and let her know what her H has been up to?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hmmm..maybe you could tell OM you feel she dshould tell her and that you will be telling you husband and will be ending all contact with him immediately.

Guys, what do you think about her telling OMW?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> My husband still hasn't come around though. I am trying to figure out how to get back what we have lost, if that is even possible. My H is my soul mate.


Soul mate? Aren't 'soul mates' able to satisfy our most important emotional needs better than anyone else?

Why not inform your H that you have been considering filing for divorce and see what his reaction is? If he cares for you, he will stop and drop everything just to listen so as not to push you further into filing, but if he ignores you then you pretty much have your answer as to where you stand in his life.

I wish you luck.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Why not inform your H that you have been considering filing for divorce and see what his reaction is? If he cares for you, he will stop and drop everything just to listen so as not to push you further into filing, but if he ignores you then you pretty much have your answer as to where you stand in his life.


I have brought up the D-word before, It just pisses him off. I am not happy and he knows it, but won't do anything to fix it. He then tells me to tell him what he needs to do. (Really we have been married 14 years, and I have to tell him what to do.) I tell him and nothing ever changes. He goes on thinking everything is hunky-dorey, when it is not. He thinks sweeping everything under the rug will make it go away. He doesn't like talking about any of it. In his eyes nothing is wrong.. I am tired of trying to make things work, when he will not hear me or even try. Maybe that is his way of saying he doesn't give a **** without really saying it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey LB---you don't talk to the OM, at all---YOU DO TELL HIS WIFE-----she is entitled to know what kind of scum she has for a H., and she can therefore make an informed decision as to the rest of her life

Let me ask you something---do you think somewhere in the back of your mind---this was an exit A. for you---if you do tell your H., and he is entitled to know---this will either lead to both of you working on a good solid R., or it will lead to a D.---was this your way of kicking your H. into Divorcing you--or you using this as a means to escape your basically dead Mge.---hence you have an exit A.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey LB---you don't talk to the OM, at all---YOU DO TELL HIS WIFE-----she is entitled to know what kind of scum she has for a H., and she can therefore make an informed decision as to the rest of her life


I haven't talked to him in months. As far as i can tell the OM's wife has no clue about what he is doing. He told me he wants his cake and eat it too.



jnj express said:


> Let me ask you something---do you think somewhere in the back of your mind---this was an exit A. for you---if you do tell your H., and he is entitled to know---this will either lead to both of you working on a good solid R., or it will lead to a D.---was +*+*i78o0+
> this your way of kicking your H. into Divorcing you--or you using this as a means to escape your basically dead Mge.---hence you have an exit A.


I started talking to the OM, while I though my H was messing around with someone else. (I still am not sure if he was or wasn't) I never intended to get "involved" with anyone else emotionally. I needed someone to talk to, and it was easier for me to talk to someone I didn't know. I have no friends, except for my mom and she didn't believe me when I told her I thought my h was messing around. 

So as far as an exit affair, it was not!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> I have brought up the D-word before, It just pisses him off. I am not happy and he knows it, but won't do anything to fix it. He then tells me to tell him what he needs to do. (Really we have been married 14 years, and I have to tell him what to do.) I tell him and nothing ever changes. He goes on thinking everything is hunky-dorey, when it is not. He thinks sweeping everything under the rug will make it go away. He doesn't like talking about any of it. In his eyes nothing is wrong.. I am tired of trying to make things work, when he will not hear me or even try. Maybe that is his way of saying he doesn't give a **** without really saying it.


Do you have kids? If you do then I can understand your dilemma but if you don't then you are simply wasting what are perhaps the best years of your life by continuing being married to a man who is set in his way and that simply is no way to live.

Consider offering him to go to mariage counseling one more time and if he rejects the offering then proceed with filing for divorce.

If you chose to continue being married, chances are good that you will have another affair in the future and then your marriage will have zero chance of recovering. Your choice.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Yes we do have a child. He is almost 2 years old. 

I will not ever get involved with someone else again I can promise you that much. I have learned a lot from it. This board has helped me A LOT. I wish I would have found you guys last year=). 

All I can do at this point, is better myself and in doing so bettering my marriage at some point in the near future (hopefully).

I should bring up the MC thing - again.

I have spent the best years of my life with my H ( I was 19 when we got married) I am almost 33 now.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You got a long way to go---33 yrs is not even half---the best years are still ahead of you---make them good, and make them happy years


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> I will not ever get involved with someone else again I can promise you that much.


I realize I have come down on you pretty hard, and I want you to know that even though you can not change what you did, you can change your behavior.

I would start by owning what you have done.

That post you made about "why people cheat" is not OWNING what you did, it is a way of trying to get the explanation out there.

You dont need to explain yourself other than to say " I screwed up, i was selfish and became a douche.. can you love me?"

If you start saying " Well i felt like this..." to your hubby, it Will only look like justification. the same way it looks here. I know you dont see it that way, but a LOT of people do.

If youa re truly repentant and want to make this right, the first step is to get your mind around the idea that what you did has no positive spin to it. you cant point to theories on primal instincts and you cant point to your husband. You cant say " at least we didn't screw". No.. you have to look at this worse than your husband will and then you will be able to start forgiving YOURSELF, and then he might be able to. 

I would like to see your mind change directions here. Perhaps thats why i have been so hard on you in my posts. 

OWN this. Make no excuses. Ask for forgiveness, then forgive yourself.

That is the best you can do right now.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> I realize I have come down on you pretty hard, and I want you to know that even though you can not change what you did, you can change your behavior.
> 
> I would start by owning what you have done.
> 
> ...


Damnit, TTL, now you got me wanting to forgive my wife... If only I could get her to own up when she gets here. Guess I'll continue my 180 (which has been very successful so far) and see if the change in me develops into a change in her (remorse and confession.). Until then, she's nothing more than a cheater in my book...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
Ladyybrd
I won't give you any advice on the issue of telling your husband or not. However, I will on what you have shared with your husband. What was his upbringing like, was he raised in an positive, emotionally heathly home. It's possible he does not have the skills to respond to your needs, the "tell what to do" line is a clue. Some behaviors are not natural or instinctive, have to be learned, most often by receiving such emotional support from family. MC and IC is in order.

He may feel that treating you with respect, bribing home a paycheck and doing his part to maintain a home and protect his family "IS" a major demonstration of his love for you and that of your family!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Damnit, TTL, now you got me wanting to forgive my wife... If only I could get her to own up when she gets here. Guess I'll continue my 180 (which has been very successful so far) and see if the change in me develops into a change in her (remorse and confession.). Until then, she's nothing more than a cheater in my book...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really want to make this clear.. especially because my posts may seem like they are all over the place.

There is a difference between people and not between the acts. What i mean is that you forgive a person, not a sexual act or emotional act. 

Some people are just beyond forgiveness for mortal humans beings. We are not God. We are capable of mercy and grace, but that is simply not achievable for everyone. 

There are so many factors that go into forgiveness, i could never tell you all of them without give you a 4 degree, minimum. 

What I can tell you is this. You can not determine if your spouse is forgivable TO YOU. Until you know several things about YOURSELF first.

To name a few: 

Your Knowledge of what Forgiveness actually is
Your ability to separate forgiveness and trust
your ability to give mercy where justice is deserved
Your ability to make your spouse uncomfortable with your truths
Your knowledge of how you require forgiveness to be asked
Your ability to follow through with forgiveness

I could sit here for an hour.. in fact i have before a few times lol.

Many people say "My wife hasn't asked for forgiveness" or " I dont know if i can forgive my wife" 

The reason they feel that way is because they dont know the answers to those questions. 

An honest to goodness 10 minute conversation with anyone of you and me would result in an answer to this question:

Do i have the ability to forgive her or him?

That is the easy part. because if it is NOT a question of ability... it only a question of motivation. And that is an entirely new post. lol

hope that gets you started. because the it is possible that she is already remorseful and you just dont know it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey LB----if you still have marital problems---MAKE your H., communicate with you---MAKE him take notice of what is wrong, and MAKE him make the proper changes---you 2 need to talk, and work things out specially if for no other reason than your 2 yr old


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't "make" anyone anything but I would definitely tell him what you did and I would let him know what the problems are from your side of things if you have not already.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Do you really have to ask? You know what you have to do. Own up to your "mistake" and TRY to make things right!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Twotime
> 
> Life is rarely so black and white. Did my wife have an EA? Yes. Was it right? No, definitely not! Did i drive her into it? Absolutely! Three years of zero emotion and affection from me due to my depression would be tatamount to emotional abuse. Do i take responsibility for my wifes EA? Well, absolutely not. But i can also see that if i was even half the man at the time our marriage went downhill it wouldnt have gone downhill at all. Did she try to communicate this to me? Yes. Did i listen? Not a chance. The ironic part of my entire mess was that after starting my manning up journey, i realized that 99 percent of the issues that drove me to depression wern't even issues at all. Now, those problems seem so petty to me.
> 
> ...


excellent !:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

twotimeloser said:


> Thanks for sharing.
> 
> I remember back in college how i would sit and listen to my professors talk about how people are influenced as i sat their thinking "People are really dumb, in general" As a society, we are not dumb, just really really selfish. That is what will end us. Not a meteor, not angels opening seals and not some Mayan calendar predictions.
> 
> ...


But i think all cheaters are selfish so why help or believe in some and not others? They are all looking for the me me!


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