# I think the time has come



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am so sad and angry right now, I think that time has come for a divorce. He is gone, emotionally shut down. I cant reach him. I cant keep fighting just to feel rejected. I think I will wait till we get our income tax done and file.. It is so sad, I really cant imagine sitting down and tell my girls that there dad and I are getting a divorce, and that he is not coming back home...
I feel like I failed them.... I wanted them to have what I never had, two parents under one roof...


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

One of my biggest goals growing up was to not end up divorced like my parents. My stbxw came from a family who's parents did stick together. In the end, one of her claims was that she "didn't want to end up like her parents". This comment doesn't register with me. What she doesn't realize is that her parents love each other more now than they ever did before, and that's because of the things they overcame.

Know that you aren't a failure.

Your kids will understand in the future. 

Stay strong, be brave, and hang in there.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It still hurts just to think about telling them. I feel like I have already hurt them when we told them he was moving out of our home. I wanted them to have better then I did. My marriage was very important to me. I went down fighting but I was fighting alone.
It just hurts after 10 years...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

A lot of literature out there about how to tell them. It won't be such a shock as he's already moved out. That's a plus. Better if you can tell them together... if you can both do that and make that moment about them and not you two. 

Not their fault. Repeat. 

You both love them and always will. Repeat. 

Mom is always Mom. Dad is always Dad.

Nothing they can do to change it. Not their fault. 

Have details about what will happen next. Structure.

Any feelings they have about it are ok. You have them too.

They can tell you anything or ask you anything. Always.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

One more: Never call him "my ex" in front of them. He is not their ex-Dad.

Yes it hurts. Will hurt them too. But like Dr Phil said, "I'd rather come from a dysfunctional family than be in one."


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> It still hurts just to think about telling them. I feel like I have already hurt them when we told them he was moving out of our home. I wanted them to have better then I did. My marriage was very important to me. I went down fighting but I was fighting alone.
> It just hurts after 10 years...


I'm sorry Lee. It does hurt. At least you can move forward knowing you gave everything you had to saving your marriage. Your kids will know that too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

NotEZ said:


> I'm sorry Lee. It does hurt. At least you can move forward knowing you gave everything you had to saving your marriage. Your kids will know that too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just hate this sick feeling when I think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I just hate this sick feeling when I think about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yeap...me too. I can't wait to be able to 'think' about stuff...anything...and i don't 'feel sick'...to my stomach..I'm so tired of the queezy crap that comes with thoughts of what we are going through...I wish that stuff didn't happen to our bodies...it's taken a toll on mine big time...stress man...

ugh..


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ahh sorry lee.
l know , the kids side to , it's so hard , sickening , you feel your failing them and , how could they possibly understand.

i feel like i've failed , my wife , my daughter , and it was a lot about me and my actions to i admit it .
my wifes very hard to read , shes a yes when i mean no person and since we separated i've had so many mixed singles from her but today , she was different. 
there was something missing in her and for the first time it felt possible we could end up the full hog to and divorced .
her singles are everywhere but at the end of the day she is in her rental and today well , it just seemed like that was her new life and she isn't going anywhere.

and so despite my emotional roller coaster , it feels over in her mind. so since that call a few hrs ago, like you maybe the d word is real . maybe we will be one of those after all and maybe my daughter really will spend the rest of her life house and parent hopping . i've failed yet infact i haven't lee , she has , just like he has .
i fd up yes but i didn't quit , i didn't walk , i wanted to repair us and go on to grow old together , like you .

we have failed , but we also haven't. it's not much help and i guess the outcome for our kids is just as sad and just the same and it is so sad . i really feel for you and us all lee.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee101981,

You gave it a good fight, I know because I have been there right along side of you. I don't get it, your husband, my wife, and the many other's spouses that just give up or are undecided. How do they just give up and throw it all away? Like everything in the past was a great big lie. I keep telling myself this can't be happening, however I know it is.

It really messes with one's mind, body, and soul. Especially when you continue to give it everything you have and you continually get nothing in return. 

I'm nearing my witts end as well. After witnessing a family's death and experiencing near death myself. I question why I'm wasting my energy on someone that acts like they could care less about me. Granted, I made mistakes, I made many, however does not everyone? I overlooked so much crap from my wife, yet she blames me for everything that is wrong in her life.

I'm not allowing this to bother me anymore. I know who I really am, just as you know who you really are. I know what I've done wrong and right. I also know the amount of energy I've put into our marriage, just like you, to only be snubbed over and over again.

It is painful to do things genuinely from your heart only to be treated as if it does not matter or it's not sincere; like someone could fake these gestures? Why waste the time?

You never failed, you did everything you could. He gave up, he shut you out, it is as simple as that. I know because I am struggling to accept my wife's "choice" to do the same. It is really hard to admit that we made a bad decision in the person we chose to marry, trust, and love. They are pathetic, weak, and took the easy way out.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Bryane,

I am tired of trying. I have been trying from the moment that he moved out in August. (6 months of Limbo) I have dont alot of things the wrong way but my intentions wer good. I have gone out of my way to show him my feelings and wants and needs and it just does not seem to matter. I have also given him space and he still does not know. I am dont being in Limbo it is not a good place for me... I was raised that if you want something bad enough you fight for it, you just dont sit back and wait for it to come to you. I am not crazy to think marriage is perfect. If I have 5 bad years out of 50 then so be it. Things change and people change but in a marriage you are suppost to change and grow together.. I have given him eveything and more... I am done. I have about 3 months till I can file... I am done with the rejection. In reality he has 3 months to decide on his own... Today I dropped the girls off at his office and he still has pictures of me up in his office--- kind of made me think....

I am tired of being in pain...


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, I understand completely! You are preaching to the choir! I already shared with you my plans. I feel them same way in almost every aspect. Our spouses left us almost in the exact same uncertain terms. I beat myself up and blaimed myself for everything. I know that it takes two, however I still took the brunt of everything. I acknowledge my mistakes, she blames. I seek help, she hides. It is what is and it sucks!!!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have to admit I am strong willed person and I can take alot but there has to come a time where I no longer take what he is dishing out. I have taked responsibility for my actions and done everything in my power...but the rejection has to stop. I have two girls that I have to be strong for.. I want them to desire more then what I am getting....


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I agree, and I hope the best for you. I just walked in my home and my MIL is out walking the dog again. I can't wait to move!!! If I am to heal myself I need to cut all connections with her, It's to hard any other way. If we do end up divorced, she wants to be friends??? Who the hell wants to be friends with the person that destroyed you, lied to you, and betrayed you!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I agree, and I hope the best for you. I just walked in my home and my MIL is out walking the dog again. I can't wait to move!!! If I am to heal myself I need to cut all connections with her, It's to hard any other way. If we do end up divorced, she wants to be friends??? Who the hell wants to be friends with the person that destroyed you, lied to you, and betrayed you!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I will still have to see mine. I ran into my mother n law today and it was little weird, it's like what do I say. Just ready to move on and be in a better place. I am praying for some peace for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I just never saw divorce as a way to fix things. To me it was never am option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, I agree with you once again, without a doubt in my mind, I beleive divorce is only the answer in cases of abuse, abandonment, or infidelity. We have been abandoned by our spouses, only you know your limits. Six months is a long time to be left with no direction as to where your life is going and it is an extremely long time for your husband to be confused about where he stands without offering any input or effort towards a resolution.
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

So This is my free weekend... I went out to dinner with my mother last night. Today I got my nails done, Had a lunch date with a friend, bought me a pair of cowgirl boots  . Even made a stop by the bank and the grocery store... my youngest already called and said she wants to come home and spend time with me...


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I just never saw divorce as a way to fix things. To me it was never am option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree 110%, when I said my vows I meant mine, through the good and the bad times, commitment to that one person.

Seems every good time was made it through just fine but gawd forbid if there is a bad time the easiest way is taken and just leaving and walking out...

Marriage take TWO people, but it seems there's always that one that wants to do the right thing while the other can just shut down and forget everything. I don't understand how people can shut down on all the memories and all the time spent with that person. Of all the people in the world the two chose each other to marry, yet they have no problem just letting go...

You tried Lee, after everything is over atleast you can look back and say that you gave it your best. As for your kids they wont look at is as if you failed them, you only fail if there was no attempt, no trying, and just not caring and you don't match up to a single one of them.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have been thinking about things and I have made it just to easy for him. He got to be free and still get to do family things... like decorate the tree and stuff... Not anymore....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

The kids are home... So much for a free weekend.. They called and said mom I miss you can you come pick us up... It broke my heart....


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, have a good night and have fun with your kiddos. When they go to bed, have a glass of wine and relax. Good things are to come, focus on them, and what you want for your life. Envision your happiness and then embrace that happiness. You will be living it soon enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Lee, have a good night and have fun with your kiddos. When they go to bed, have a glass of wine and relax. Good things are to come, focus on them, and what you want for your life. Envision your happiness and then embrace that happiness. You will be living it soon enough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have not found a wine that I like yet?
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

What do you prefer, red or white?
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> What do you prefer, red or white?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Red
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Sterling Merlot is an inexpensive bottle that's pretty good.
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Sterling Merlot is an inexpensive bottle that's pretty good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing like drinking alone on New Years Eve!!!! I will have the girls!!! They just might make it to 10
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

LoL, I might try to get the dog drunk. He gets frisky when he's been drinking 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> LoL, I might try to get the dog drunk. He gets frisky when he's been drinking
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


H is playing poker with the boys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I guess this is turning in to my own personal journal.

Today has not been such a great day. The kids came home early yesterday so we have spent the day doing our nails, done some puzzles, and cleaned out our closets and got some clothes for donations.... I am so dissapointed in H. I am mad at myself. I am angry that I dont see the fight in him, which I always thought was there. I dont understand how people can walk away or leave there spouse in limbo.... I am hurt by his lack of respect. I have noticed that the girls see me as there security blanket right now....


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> LoL, I might try to get the dog drunk. He gets frisky when he's been drinking
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hope your joking. Thats dangerous and dumb.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@ StellaMoon of course I am joking, I don't need to get him drunk in order to take advantage of him.  Why would you think I was serious? It has been rough for everyone on this forum emotionally, especially with all of the holidays and New Year. We are all going through what we feel to be the worst, most painful, agonizing, and tormented times of our lives, when everyone else around us seems happy and content in their own little bubbles. I figured a little levity couldn't hurt. I'm sorry if I offended you, that was not my intentions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> @ StellaMoon of course I am joking, I don't need to get him drunk in order to take advantage of him.  Why would you think I was serious? It has been rough for everyone on this forum emotionally, especially with all of the holidays and New Year. We are all going through what we feel to be the worst, most painful, agonizing, and tormented times of our lives, when everyone else around us seems happy and content in their own little bubbles. I figured a little levity couldn't hurt. I'm sorry if I offended you, that was not my intentions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Made me laugh!
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Thank you, it's nice to know people still appreciate my sense of humor. I've been kind of bummed lately. I think my wife has gone and completely broken our marriage vows. I'm not 100% certain, however she been calling someone and talking to them quite a bit lately. When she calls them she *67's the number so I don't see who it is on the bill. She obviously is hiding something, I don't want to jump to conclusions however I don't know what to think anymore. If she has started dating then I'm through. I'm moving on with my life, I deserve so much better than that. We haven't spoken since my accident / near death experience this past Wednesday. I told her to take whatever time she needed, that I loved her, I reassured her I wasn't dating or sleeping with anyone, and I told her I was putting my wedding band back on. I asked her to respond to my email as to where this was going when she was ready and left it at that. Sorry to hijack your thread, however any input would be appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Thank you, it's nice to know people still appreciate my sense of humor. I've been kind of bummed lately. I think my wife has gone and completely broken our marriage vows. I'm not 100% certain, however she been calling someone and talking to them quite a bit lately. When she calls them she *67's the number so I don't see who it is on the bill. She obviously is hiding something, I don't want to jump to conclusions however I don't know what to think anymore. If she has started dating then I'm through. I'm moving on with my life, I deserve so much better than that. We haven't spoken since my accident / near death experience this past Wednesday. I told her to take whatever time she needed, that I loved her, I reassured her I wasn't dating or sleeping with anyone, and I told her I was putting my wedding band back on. I asked her to respond to my email as to where this was going when she was ready and left it at that. Sorry to hijack your thread, however any input would be appreciated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I can share! 
I would not be able to stand it, I would have to get in contact with her and tell her that I know about the number and the *67 and ask who it is and why she feels the need to hide it. I am sure it is the complete opposite thing everyone is going to tell you. I would think all these spouses would have enough respect after all these years to say ( it's over ) . I mean really after all these years. I took my vows for life and I though h did to but I guess I am wrong. Not in a good place today. I am so done with holidays!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I would call, however I told her I would give her space and that I wouldn't contact her anymore. That I'd wait for her to let me know what direction we are headed. I'm going to honor my word, I have too much integrity to do otherwise. I sure hope that I'm not a complete idiot. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I would call, however I told her I would give her space and that I wouldn't contact her anymore. That I'd wait for her to let me know what direction we are headed. I'm going to honor my word, I have too much integrity to do otherwise. I sure hope that I'm not a complete idiot. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this sounds so stupid, but we all think that we know our spouses would never cheat and yet they do. Why would she hide the number if it was nothing. I have a doc appointment on the 2nd and I going to get an std test just to be sure. I never though we would end up here but we have .
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I guess because I know who I am and what I am capable of doing, and cheating has never been anything I could actually do. I think I know her and I believe that she would not be capable of such a thing as well, I've made it clear that all doors shut if that was the case. So I don't know where that puts me however I deserve at least some honesty if that were the case. I believe she has enough integrity to at least inform me of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> I guess because I know who I am and what I am capable of doing, and cheating has never been anything I could actually do. I think I know her and I believe that she would not be capable of such a thing as well, I've made it clear that all doors shut if that was the case. So I don't know where that puts me however I deserve at least some honesty if that were the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree we all deserve the truth. If you have no intentions of asking then there is nothing you can do. But the questions remains why block the number?
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Hopefully someone will tell me if she is too weak if that is the case. I don't know why, I did notice she called a private investigator though. I thought for a moment perhaps that is who she might be calling.
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Hopefully someone will tell me if she is too weak if that is the case. I don't know why, I did notice she called a private investigator though. I thought for a moment perhaps that is who she might be calling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What would she need with a private investigator?
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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Who knows maybe she questions who I am, or what I've been doing... Maybe that is who she is dating now? Maybe, I'm getting served? I can run my immagination crazy with ideas.
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well dont drive yourself crazy... I would not be able to stand it. 
Maybe your mother n law will let something slip soon when she stops by to walk the dog....I would love to wake up and it be Tuesday already... I am so not ready for Valentine's Day.... they already have the stuff out at Walmart.  Going out to grab a bottle of wine for tomorrow night....


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I think my MIL was here today, I just got home from work and someone was kind enough to fold my laundry that was sitting on my bed. I don't think the dog did it, however if he did; that's a great trick! I'm going to ask a mutual friend tomorrow. New Years gives me an excuse to call and I can word it in such a way as, "if my wife is dating, someone would have enough respect for me to let me know?"....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Well dont drive yourself crazy... I would not be able to stand it.
> Maybe your mother n law will let something slip soon when she stops by to walk the dog....I would love to wake up and it be Tuesday already... I am so not ready for Valentine's Day.... they already have the stuff out at Walmart.  Going out to grab a bottle of wine for tomorrow night....


If you were in FL I'd share a bottle with you. Misery loves company 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know that it has only been almost 6 months but I miss being part of a team. I hate that the one person that I want to talk to and share things with I cant. I hate the weirdness between us. I miss him and it just sucks.... I feel like I am missing my other half...


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

You know what lee, you are not at all alone. I feel that way all the time. I really enjoyed being married. I enjoyed the safety and comfort of knowing that I could always count on my wife. Now that she is gone, and there is really no plausible reason that I can except I feel lost , confused and sad too. This took me by surprise, I thought I knew her and our relationship better. I guess the last year when I neglected her and my responsibilities she took it as a sign that I didn't care. It really bothers me because I did care and I still care yet she believes that I did this all on purpose. I didn't damn it!!! I didn't ask to get into a car accident or have 13 surgeries. I didn't wake up one morning and say gee I'd like to see what it is like to be strung out on pain medication. I feel so guilty and filled with remorse yet there is nothing I can seem to do right anymore in her eyes. She either gave up or became so angry that she can't see straight. I haven't given up hope or stopped trying though. Maybe she'll see the person she fell in love with again. Who knows, however I won't go down without a fight.
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I believe in fighting and being committed to my h. I took my vows with him for better or worse. I want to see him fight to save what we had with me not fight against me cause that is how I feel. I feel like he has no clue how I feel about not having a job- for me not having a job makes me feel low, lost my independence, lost some pride. I have been working for the last 16 years. I have never not had a job. I don't have my own money, yet he gets to be distracted with work and going to school full time and seeing the kids. There is a lot going on for me emotionally that he does not get. 

Just very disappointed in him
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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I feel that pain lee; I was a stay at home dad for a few years, after being employed my whole life. 

I relocated to my stbxw's home town, for her, because that's where she wanted to be/felt the most comfortable. 

I couldn't find a job in this town, and now that she's done with me, I'm basically stuck here if I want to remain a major factor in my children's lives. 

I'm employed now, a full time student, and a dedicated father. Too little too late it seems. 

It just doesn't seem fair to abandon what we had, just for the sake of seeking happiness elsewhere.

(I asked her a few weeks after I moved out if she thought she was going to find her 'happiness' this way. She said she was already much more happy, because she didn't feel like she was hold me back any longer. What a shltty feeling....I never felt like my wife was holding me back in any way!)


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

N8Vee, if its any consolation to you, I too moved. I moved from CA to Miami for my wife's happiness. I despise Miami. It's a great place to vacation or party, however to live here is deplorable. The people are rude, dirty, slimey. The pay here is horrible! You are lucky to make 6 figures regardless of your profession and you really have to work for it. I work currently 65+ hours a week for 30% less than I should be paid and I'm grateful to even have this crappy job. My wife has also told me similar things, I try to take it with a grain of salt though; I know better. I know in my heart and in my mind what I've done, an what I've sacrificed for her. I think a lot of the subterfuge comes from their own unhappiness. They are angry so they project it upon us. Regardless we are here for you my friend, and I wish you luck. Be strong and nurture yourself, this seems to be the only thing working for me. Set goals, regain your confidence, and do whatever you can to make your house right.
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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I didn't move quite that far (only about 1.5 hours away) but the pay scale I'm experiencing is the same story. I basically make about as much as I did when I was 18-20 (30 now), so now I feel so set back. I am almost done with school though, and hope that can turn things around for me. 

The worst part for me, is the network that she has established here in her hometown. She can basically count on a ton of people to be there for her, meanwhile I pretty much have to fight for myself.

We all need to hang in there, if our spouses were willing to go this route, we have to believe we will be better with out them...in the long run. I dread the idea of dating and finding someone new. Like you guys, I'm sure, I thought I was done with that phase!


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

N8Vee, my wife is 28 I'm 39. I'm in the same boat as you. The only friends I have here are her friends. I never envisioned this and it hit me from left field. I truly love my wife and to say I don't now even after all the pain and frustration would be a lie. She left November 10th and I was in shock. For 2 weeks I kept going to the window, checking every time a car came down the street regardless of the time, thinking she would be back. She left without so much as any real words about our separation. She found some email that she misconstrued as an affair. I thought once she calmed down and realized the truth she would come back. All I have is hope and determination on my end. When I made my vows I meant them! She took the easy way out, I feel abandoned and betrayed as I'm sure you do as well. Only time will tell, however regardless work on yourself, heal yourself, become a better man. Take this time for some introspection, and growth. Whatever happens, you will benefit regardless.
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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> N8Vee, my wife is 28 I'm 39. I'm in the same boat as you. The only friends I have here are her friends. I never envisioned this and it hit me from left field. I truly love my wife and to say I don't now even after all the pain and frustration would be a lie. She left November 10th and I was in shock. For 2 weeks I kept going to the window, checking every time a car came down the street regardless of the time, thinking she would be back. She left without so much as any real words about our separation. She found some email that she misconstrued as an affair. I thought once she calmed down and realized the truth she would come back. All I have is hope and determination on my end. When I made my vows I meant them! She took the easy way out, I feel abandoned and betrayed as I'm sure you do as well. Only time will tell, however regardless work on yourself, heal yourself, become a better man. Take this time for some introspection, and growth. Whatever happens, you will benefit regardless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am so tired of feeling all these things, I miss the days where I was just happy!
They seem so long ago. I hate bedtime, it's like I just lay here and hit replay every night!
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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I replay the first conversation where I found out how my wife originally felt. Then I replay the last conversation we had that sealed the deal. Now I just envision what she is doing with her new man.

I am slowly getting past this. I too, want to be happy, we deserve it! It will happen.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

N8vee said:


> I replay the first conversation where I found out how my wife originally felt. Then I replay the last conversation we had that sealed the deal. Now I just envision what she is doing with her new man.
> 
> I am slowly getting past this. I too, want to be happy, we deserve it! It will happen.


Just not a fan of bedtime! Could not imagine another women.
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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Especially when bedtime involves children. Right now my stbxw is on vacation visiting her new posOM. Before my son says his goodnights, he tells me that "mom is on a trip, visiting Robert, she will pick me up when she gets back". 

All I think is, really? what person tells their kid about the person they're going to go see. We haven't even filed the divorce paperwork yet, seems so soon to just go running off. Then again, I'm not her, so I have no idea how something like that even works.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I could not imagine what your child is thinking and feeling! I have two daughters 7 & 4 and the 4 year old cries atleast a few times a week - she liked the comfort of knowing he was here, I really have to distract her at bed time. Both the girls cling to me. They never make it a full weeken at his apartment they always won't to come home early. They ask me sll the wuestikns they wont ask there dad. I wanted better for them. I wanted them to grow up in a house with both there parents! Just hurts!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I think my son gets it, but only so much. He just turned 3, my girls are 1.5 (twins) so they don't really get it yet. 

History has a cruel way of repeating itself, doesn't it!?

I came from a divorced family, and this was literally my one goal in life, was to not let it happen to my kids....here we are!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I never saw divorce as an option!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

I feel the same way like I failed..but YOU didnt fail..WE didnt fail..THEY did...we will all get over this ride from hell one step at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

I can't sleep!!! This is Hell!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well atleast you can sleep in when u want I have two girls up at 6:40 daily, it does matter what time I put them to bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am in a crappy mood today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am in a crappy mood today!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Smile! Tomorrow is the beginning of a new era for you and your girls. A stepping stone to something better. Freedom to take care of you and them the way you want! The opportunity to show them what an amazing woman you are.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Zillard, I need you to repeat that daily please!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am feeling like I am back on this rollar coaster and all I want to do is get off. I am tired of my head telling me to file and my heart saying fight... I want to let go ... I want to let go... I want to move on...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am tired of my head telling me to file and my heart saying fight...


...and it would be a fight. With one winner and one loser. That is not marriage nor love. We shouldn't have to fight. We should lift each other up. 



lee101981 said:


> I want to let go ... I want to let go... I want to move on...


Let go. Move on. You can. You are strong. You are brave. You deserve better. You are worth it. You are amazing.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I really want to, but cant seem to find the strength....I am tried of hiding in the shower when I feel like crying. I hate feelings so much pain.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, I know it sounds counter intuitive, however only when I started to let go did my wife start to reach out to me. We are nowhere close to reconciliation, however each baby step feels like at least a step in the right direction. It's a New Year today, it's fresh and clean like a blank canvas just waiting for you to bring it to life. Whatever you choose your masterpiece will evolve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Repeat this out loud. 

"My love relationship has ended."

Let yourself cry. Say goodbye to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I guess my heart is not ready but my head is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I saw a glimps of my old h today and I grasped but then he was gone! Letting go is the hardest thing, I am not even sure how to. I miss him so much! This pain hurts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Pissy Pissy Pants<---- that's me !!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Well don't wet yourself!!!  Lee, letting go is one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever done. Every day it haunts me and I have my moments where I break down and want to cry, however I know that it's not going to help me and it isn't going to make any positive difference in the situation, so I focus on myself and what I want and what I have control over. This is all you can do. Your husband, just like my wife has to decide what they want, they made a choice. If we are still in a position to want them if they decide to change their minds; at that time then and only then will our marriages reconcile. 

New Year's Eve I felt like a family again and it was wonderful. It was all I could hope for, however everything went back to the way it was shortly thereafter. Talk about a [email protected]!!! You have to come to terms that you were abandoned by choice, just like most of us here. It doesn't matter who's fault it was or the specifics of the incident in itself. What matters is how we handle ourselves. You need to start focussing on your life and making yourself happy, nobody is going I do it for you. 

I hate to hear you so upset, however I empathize with your pain. I think everyone here does as well. Pull yourself together girl, remember who you were before you met him. You didn't need him then and you don't need him now. Be strong, be brave, be the person that you know you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

How to let go? Focus on you. Its not easy and it isn't quick. But go day by day. Each day do something for you. 

If you get sad, be sad for a bit. Its natural. Feel it and let it out. Journal. But don't focus on it all day. Don't focus on why you miss him. Remind youself what you deserve. Focus on what you need out of life. What you need to be happy. Not whom. Write it down. Reread it. 

Remember who you are and what you stand for. How can u be a good female role model for your girls? What can you do to teach them by example how a good strong woman acts and reacts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

I agree with Z,

Sounds simple, but difficult to implement - I know this. 

Know that you're fighting against yourself right now. Their is absolutely nothing holding you back.

Once you realize this, you'll start making progress.

Start chipping away at that wall of co-dependency that you've built yourself and move forward.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I went to the doc today and had an std test done just to make sure and got some new meds (never take meds only over the counter) so we shall see how my moods changes go along with my non sleeping....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> How to let go? Focus on you. Its not easy and it isn't quick. But go day by day. Each day do something for you.
> 
> If you get sad, be sad for a bit. Its natural. Feel it and let it out. Journal. But don't focus on it all day. Don't focus on why you miss him. Remind youself what you deserve. Focus on what you need out of life. What you need to be happy. Not whom. Write it down. Reread it.
> 
> ...





Zillard- you know those calendars that you pull each day and they have a saying on them... That is what you are a daily quote that I cant wait to read.....:smthumbup:


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I went to the doc today and had an std test done just to make sure and got some new meds (never take meds only over the counter) so we shall see how my moods changes go along with my non sleeping....


Been thinking of doing the STD test too. Will all the lies I can't be sure when the affair started. Easy to get depressed about something like this, but shift focus and realize you are looking out for yourself. And caring enough about yourself and your future partners to get it done. 

Good step.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> Been thinking of doing the STD test too. Will all the lies I can't be sure when the affair started. Easy to get depressed about something like this, but shift focus and realize you are looking out for yourself. And caring enough about yourself and your future partners to get it done.
> 
> Good step.


Well I never thought we would be going through this but we are. I also feel like he would never cheat on me but I was there so why not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

zillard said:


> Been thinking of doing the STD test too. Will all the lies I can't be sure when the affair started. Easy to get depressed about something like this, but shift focus and realize you are looking out for yourself. And caring enough about yourself and your future partners to get it done.
> 
> Good step.


I got tested as soon as I found out about my ex's girlfriend. 

Talk about an awkward conversation with the doctor...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Saw the doc in the hall and he asked how I was and I said I am seperated and jobless and I need an std test and he just looked at me and said ok!!! I bet he wished he would not of asked!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Best part of this is if I get mine done soon it will still be covered by her insurance. She'll get the benefit statement. 

:lol:


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

zillard said:


> Best part of this is if I get mine done soon it will still be covered by her insurance. She'll get the benefit statement.
> 
> :lol:


At the time, I still had a debit card for my ex's account, so I used it to cover the $30 copay.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Nice


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Today has been an ok day. I only spoke with h yesterday about the kids... It was bed time and if he has not called I would normally have the kids call and say good night but not last night I let him miss the call... It is a very fine line to walk with kids... I do see when I let my guard down with him I end up getting hurt but I miss our closeness and are talks....


Zillard- where is my quote?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Today has been an ok day. I only spoke with h yesterday about the kids... It was bed time and if he has not called I would normally have the kids call and say good night but not last night I let him miss the call... It is a very fine line to walk with kids... I do see when I let my guard down with him I end up getting hurt but I miss our closeness and are talks....
> 
> 
> Zillard- where is my quote?


Don't ever call him so he can say good night. If he cares, he'll call. 

Why should he make an effort if you are doing it for him? 

It's his responsibility to be a father, not yours to make him be one. Focus on your parental responsibilities, not his. That emotional effort will be better used and appreciated elsewhere.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

If the girls ask to call him... fine. Dial the number and hand them the phone. No need to have your own conversation with him before and after - let it be 100% about them.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

zillard is spot on.

From Monday I will be living elsewhere but the thought of being a part time Dad is counter to my core beliefs. It's totally on me to prove I am still there for my boys though, she can't do it for me. I have issues that make motivating myself to do non essential (and even some essential) tasks difficult but if I can't get off my ass to see my kids I may aswell give up entirely.

If someone wants to be a good parent and isnt a danger to the kids, there is nothing the other parent should do to stop it. The opposite is that if someone doesn't want to be a good parent, nothing the other parent does can alter that.

Put all the emphasis on him without being obstructive.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

He actually called the girls today from work which is not like him... I did not say a word. I am so ready for a job..... I sent out some resumes and going to follow up with a phone call tomorrow. I have a few leads to hit up tomorrow....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am so ready for a job..... I sent out some resumes and going to follow up with a phone call tomorrow. I have a few leads to hit up tomorrow....


Go get 'em Lee! Huge step in the right direction.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am so ready for a job!!!!!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Sent our 4 resumes and turned in an application ---- prayers my way please
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Best wishes Lee! Sending good vibes into the universe for you.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I will gladly take them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Sent our 4 resumes and turned in an application ---- prayers my way please
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sent.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am tired of feeling like each day is dragging on. I am just going through the emotions, I am hoping that if I just keep going it will all get better soon. I am just not happy with were I am or where my relastionship is with my husband.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

@lee try to find some peace and happiness within yourself. Where is that woman that was chearing and pushing for me to find some happiness? Well here I am!  I'm here to do the same for you! Lee what causes you to go backwards today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just feel like I am going through the motions. I know I am doing the best that I can just feel like it is not enough. Everywhere I look in this house I see apart of him. When the girls and I are home playing or watching a movie or cooking dinner it hurts he is no here. I miss being a family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

The grieving process is supposed to hurt. Of course you miss being a family. I would say about 99% of the people here miss being a family. All you can do is take one day at a time. It gets easier with time. Focus on the girls and yourself. Try to do out of the ordinary stuff with them when you are down. A picnic in the park, bowling, a movie, just get out of the house when you have a bad day.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee this is normal; I'm in a whole city that everywhere I look reminds me of my wife in some way shape or form. It's how you process these feelings that's going to allow you to either be miserable or happy. You know right now you can't have what you want and the only control you have is over yourself, then I will be as bold to say you are actually in control. Change yourself by changing your attitude and you will regain what you desire. We as humans fall into the trap of allowing others to treat is poorly when we loose our confidence. Regain your confidence and your husband will be forced into dealing with you in another manner. I'm not promising your marriage will reconcile, however what I am assuring you of is a change for the better. Once you regain your confidence back and start to see things from a better perspective I can guarantee you will view him differently and your desires will change and most assuredly his treatment towards you will change as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I guess that I am not good at hiding my feelings. I can't just lock all the thoughts away , they just appear and make my mood shift.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, don't hide or lock away your feelings. That is not at all what I'm suggesting, as matter of fact embrace your feelings. What I'm suggesting is process those feelings in a way that is helpful or conducive to you feeling better. For example when you miss being happy with him, think about something that made you equally happy that did not involve him and focus on that. I hope this makes sense??? It's a trick I learned from Neuro Linguistic Programming I got out of an Anthony Robbins seminar I went to a long time ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know what you're saying. I just don't know how to let it bring me down. I'm tired of feeling like living in somebody else's life, Like it is some sort of dream and waiting to wake up. I'm tired of not sleeping it is like I toss and turn all night long , and my mind is racing. I have some sleeping but I don't want to have to take then every night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Exercise has helped me a lot  I even quit smoking again. Imagine throwing those negative thoughts away, pretend they are a book and put it back on the shelf, or flush them down the toilet. Continue to do this exercise in your mind until the thoughts are no longer so intense. Then focus on something else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Aggghh, LoL, I hate this damn car!!! I bought it for my wife and it guzzles so much damn gas. I wish I would have kept my Mercedes; I just put another $100.00 in the tank. It's costing me over $1,000.00 in gas to drive this beast!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Lee, 

I recommend two books that have helped me quite a bit. 

Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends (3rd Edition), by Dr Bruce Fisher & Dr Robert Alberti

Being Happy, by Andrew Matthews


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

bryane said:


> Aggghh, LoL, I hate this damn car!!! I bought it for my wife and it guzzles so much damn gas. I wish I would have kept my Mercedes; I just put another $100.00 in the tank. It's costing me over $1,000.00 in gas to drive this beast!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What kind of car, and why does your wife not have her car?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It's over he is ready to file!
My heart is broken!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> It's over he is ready to file!
> My heart is broken!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, sweetie. 

I know it hurts.

But, it WILL get better.


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

It's a Land Rover Range Rover Supercharged, we leased her a BMW 528 when we lost the S550 Mercedes. I had a choice of being able to afford either car however since the payment was less and we owed less money on the Land Rover we gave the Mercedes back to the bank when everything went to hell in a handbag because I couldn't keep a job. I bought the car for her originally, but now I'm stuck with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

How do you know this Lee? Did you get served or is it more lip service? Maybe he is just saying this to see your reaction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> It's over he is ready to file!
> My heart is broken!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what happened?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I called him tonight and told him I am not happy with the way things are between us. I am tired of being in limbo. I either want to work on our marriage or get a divorce. He said divorce and I said why, he said what is going to change in this 6 months that did not change in the first 6 months. I feel like when he moved out he put up this huge guard around him and I can't get through!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I called him tonight and told him I am not happy with the way things are between us. I am tired of being in limbo. I either want to work on our marriage or get a divorce. He said divorce and I said why, he said what is going to change in this 6 months that did not change in the first 6 months. I feel like when he moved out he put up this huge guard around him and I can't get through!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's worse? Limbo as far as the eye can see, or puttin' your foot down?


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, I'm cheering for you, however you are still listening to his words and not his actions. Read the 180 rules!!! Stop being his doormat and put your foot down. I know everything we are telling you goes against your instincts, however what do you have to loose at this point? 

We as humans only long for or want things that we can't or don't have. He knows he has you, therefore he has experienced NO loss. Where is your confidence? You have the upper hand, so stop letting him do this to you. 

Let him feel loss, let him feel pain, let him hurt. If he doesn't come crawling back then he isn't the man you deserve or want then anyways. The only thing that needs to change is you and the only thing keeping you from changing is YOU....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

This is the first time he ever said he wanted a divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, my wife has said that to me several times over the last few weeks. Then yesterday we chatted back and forth for three hours and it wasn't mentioned once. Actions speak louder than words. What have you done one the last 6 months? What has he done? 

Put your foot down, I feel he is confused, just like my wife, he is afraid to make a decision so he is trying to force you into making one so he won't feel regret or remorse for making the wrong choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

bryane said:


> Lee, my wife has said that to me several times over the last few weeks. Then yesterday we chatted back and forth for three hours and it wasn't mentioned once. Actions speak louder than words. What have you done one the last 6 months? What has he done?
> 
> Put your foot down, I feel he is confused, just like my wife, he is afraid to make a decision so he is trying to force you into making one so he won't feel regret or remorse for making the wrong choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The decision is yours, Lee. But I suggest you start the divorce process. You started this thread saying you think it is time, even before he said anything. 

The process can be stopped at any time. This may be what it takes to get him to snap out of it. And if he doesn't, you're on your way to bettering your life! 

My stbxw was telling me multiple times a day that she wanted divorce. That she was done. That we were over. Asked me to start the papers. Thanked me for doing them. But then did nothing to leave. I filed. I got the moving truck. I packed her stuff. 

Had I not done so, I firmly believe that she would still be here. She would still be seeing posOM behind my back. And I would still be in limbo. Right before I helped move her out she then told me that all she had wanted was separation. Yet she previously admitted that she wanted separation to date posOM and "ease" me out of the marriage. This proves my case. 

I refused to be a plan B. I refused to let her eat cake. And now she has to live with the consequences of her request. No Zillard!

You are strong. You have wonderful daughters. You value them. You must be happy for them and yourself. That happiness will not come from external validation... it is in YOU.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I guess there was a part of me hopping he would wake up and see what he was about to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I guess there was a part of me hopping he would wake up and see what he was about to lose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That usually doesn't happen until they lose it, IF it happens then.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just hurts!!! Everynight when I lay down for bed it is like I am watching a movie of our life. I can't fall into a deep sleep or dream. I hate this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I know how bad it hurts, dear.

I did it over and over again...four times, in two years.

No one can stop the pain, but you.

You're allowing him to control your emotions, and you better believe he knows that.

You have to take back what's yours - your life, your joy, your self-worth.

You have to get yourself to the place where you have no desire to be with a man who does not love you and respect you.

It's much easier said than done. 

Please believe, I know that.

But, if I can do it, you certainly can.

*Hugs*


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am ready for a good night sleep
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> That usually doesn't happen until they lose it, IF it happens then.


This is the type of honesty and truthfulness that is what makes this site so helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I pray he gets rude awakening!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I pray he gets rude awakening!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pray for YOUR awakening. You're the one that deserves it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Maybe I do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I hope it happens soon!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> Pray for YOUR awakening. You're the one that deserves it.


Does this count as my daily calendar quote?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Does this count as my daily calendar quote?


It certainly does. Some are more profound than others. 365 is a rough number to hit with any consistency.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> That usually doesn't happen until they lose it, IF it happens then.


This. 


For me it's been two months...a bit longer. 

Long enough. I waited. Yea..I actually waited...long enough...for my...hope of him 'getting it'...or 'waking up'...or 'light bulb'...

and now I'm filing...and then some. I've had a good two months to 'think' about a few things as well...and recap exactly what that guy has put me through..do i love him less? No. Sucks huh. Do I miss him? Yeap. 

But what it comes down to is...

Happykaty: "You have to get yourself to the place where you have no desire to be with a man who does not love you and respect you."... 

...and a ton of what others say on here... 


I'm sad. But i've gotten more angry...how DARE HE use and abuse me...financially f' me...and walk out...and just go 'live'...as if I was 'nothing'....'noone' of 'worth'.... 

Well, I'm worth something to 'me'...and one day I will be worth something to someone else again...and my pets love me and my friends love me...and you guys like me...and strangers even dig me... I have 'worth'... HE DOES NOT DETERMINE MY WORTH! 

Don't let your husband determine 'your worth'...even if your not 'feeling it'...gosh...remember my threads? I still feel pain...lonliness...mental and emotional anguish...but i'm 'acting' on doing the appropriate thing... for me. I had too... 

It was either lie in bed and die more each day...and some days it was ok...but dang... I had to start to take care of myself...my business...'my responsibilities to myself' as a human being with self worth. I found an atty. who 'hears me'...and I began to breathe there... that was when I realized I didn't have to keep 'taking it' even though he wasn't around... 

I'm taking back control where I can...and 'he' doesn't even know it... ''''not yet""'''..... 


You have to come to the point of wanting to get off that seesaw.....or merrigoround if you will... 

not ez...but it is a choice...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I know how bad it hurts, dear.
> 
> I did it over and over again...four times, in two years.
> 
> ...


I 'lived' this way with him...he loved every damn second of it...he seen me in anguish and pain...and turned his back on me...physically...he would reach for his cell to browse the internet when I needed him ...he would walk out of the room...walk out of the door...drive away...abandon me...

he would 'hurt' me...and knew it...watched it...
someone once said to me that they believed he got off on it...his passive aggressive behavior personality _*thrived *_ on my pain...

I would run after him...to make my physical anguish go away..I had to 'fix us'...stop the fight...have him come home...

to feel 'normal...'...

but I was never normal... I was co dependant...and just sick...sick sick sick... all the time...insecure and sick...unhealthy and sorrowful. I was a mess...I became a shell of a person...

his puppet. I allowed it. 

He controlled this marriage....I'M CONTROLLING THIS DIVORCE!!!!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I finally had a goodnight sleep last night. I was able to go to sleep on my own and actually dream. It was great but I am sure the rain helped. Today is the second day of rain, I sure hope it last through tonight. I plan on searching the net for jobs and doing alittle cleaning. Thank you for all your encouraging words. I am thinking of writing a goodbye letter but not really sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I finally had a goodnight sleep last night. I was able to go to sleep on my own and actually dream. It was great but I am sure the rain helped. Today is the second day of rain, I sure hope it last through tonight. I plan on searching the net for jobs and doing alittle cleaning. Thank you for all your encouraging words. I am thinking of writing a goodbye letter but not really sure.


Writing a goodbye letter is excellent and recommended. 

Sending it is questionable.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

zillard said:


> Writing a goodbye letter is excellent and recommended.
> 
> Sending it is questionable.


Lee - I've seen on here that people recommend you post a letter here first before sending.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I really was just thinking about as something for me, not like I would get a response. It seems he is ok with the way things are. He made his choice and that is something he will have to live with for the rest of his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

soca70 said:


> Lee - I've seen on here that people recommend you post a letter here first before sending.


Indeed.

And, writing a "goodbye letter" is only recommended if you are strong enough to follow through with saying goodbye.

Presenting him with said letter, and then continuing to grovel at his feet, will only solidify his decision to use you as plan B.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

The letter would be for me! I have no intentions of giving it to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Indeed.
> 
> And, writing a "goodbye letter" is only recommended if you are strong enough to follow through with saying goodbye.
> 
> Presenting him with said letter, and then continuing to grovel at his feet, will only solidify his decision to use you as plan B.


True. 

I did end up sending a goodbye letter last week. Well, a farewell letter rather. 

Early this morning I received a rather lengthy email from stbxw, pouring out her feelings and regret (posted on my thread). But it still does not meet my terms and so will not receive a response.

Only send if you are already moving on and prepared to continue moving on. My IC helped me determine when I was ready.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I read the letter she sent you. It seems she takes some of the blame but seems like she is putting it mostly on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

zillard said:


> True.
> 
> I did end up sending a goodbye letter last week. Well, a farewell letter rather.
> 
> ...


I read her response.

By the way, my ex sends those letters frequently, now.

Don't be fooled, because the further along you move, the worse it will get.

Everyone wants what they can't have.

Ya know?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> I read her response.
> 
> By the way, my ex sends those letters frequently, now.
> 
> ...


Yes. I expect more down the road (so am able to prepare). Especially after D6 and I move away. 

Lee - I really think writing one for yourself is a great idea. The "Rebuilding" book I'm working through recommends it too.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just been thinking about it and what I would say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Just been thinking about it and what I would say.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't think. 

Use your mind to decide how to interact with him.

Use your heart to write the letter and get your feelings out.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

The girls called there dad today and he has the flu... He has been sick more times in the past six months then our whole marriage... Karma I guess... No joke he has been to the doc 1 a month from August on....
This weekend the girls are spending it with there dad (maybe) might just be the perfect time to write my letter....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am waiting on my calendar quote zillard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am waiting on my calendar quote zillard!


Your biggest weakness at the moment is not knowing how strong you really are. Be proud of your strong values and your integrity. They are your's. Use them today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Don't remember yesterday. 

Today is all you have. 

Make it count.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I put in an applications for a receptionist at the school around the corner. Prayers !!!!!
This would be great for me!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Lastnight was not a good night. It has been a week straight from the time the girls saw their dad and my oldest broke down so then the younger one broke too. They face time with him daily but it seems that is not enough. He has come down with the flu so it will be a few more days, this was suppost to be his weekend... It hurts me to see my girls in so much pain. Needless to say nothing like a goodnight sleep with a girl on each side of me.... I broke down too... I sure hope tonight is better.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Lastnight was not a good night. It has been a week straight from the time the girls saw their dad and my oldest broke down so then the younger one broke too. They face time with him daily but it seems that is not enough. He has come down with the flu so it will be a few more days, this was suppost to be his weekend... It hurts me to see my girls in so much pain. Needless to say nothing like a goodnight sleep with a girl on each side of me.... I broke down too... I sure hope tonight is better.


Don't beat yourself up about it. Breaking down is part of the process and it is important that your DDs go through this process as well. 

Let them know it is ok to cry it out. 

It is ok to talk about their sadness. 

The sadness is normal and it is ok to feel that way. 

And they don't have to worry about hurting your feelings.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I totally agree it just hurts to see them so upset. They never break down infront of him, it is always me. I know it is cause they feel more secue with me... Just wish he could see and feel what we are going through cause of him.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I totally agree it just hurts to see them so upset. They never break down infront of him, it is always me. I know it is cause they feel more secue with me... Just wish he could see and feel what we are going through cause of him.


It absolutely hurts! Try not to break down in front of them though. I think it is good for them to know that you experience feelings like they do, but you need to appear strong and collected. Not cold, but strong.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

They saw some tears but not a break down, I think I was crying for them not for him...I am never cold.... Most of my breakdowns are in the shower...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am never cold.... Most of my breakdowns are in the shower...


Yes, the shower IS warm, isn't it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Really just the only place I can be alone at this point.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

The doc called and all my labs are clear!!! I knew they would be just wanted to make sure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Any leads on possible employment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I applied for the school and I am praying that I hear something back. You got your fingers cossed for me?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Both hands. I'll say a prayer before bed and keep my eyes for wishing fountains in the near future.

Keep at it. Apply everywhere you might have interest - let the law of averages work for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> The doc called and all my labs are clear!!! I knew they would be just wanted to make sure!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Weird, mine said they can't give me results over the phone.

Congrats tho!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am sure God is getting tired of hearing from me at this point but I am still talking. I would really like to have a job before the d pocess starts...

I am not really the stay at home mom type... to much time to think.... 

How are you doing today?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> Weird, mine said they can't give me results over the phone.
> 
> Congrats tho!


Well mine doc delivered my two girls and has been my doc for the last 12 years....might be why


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

A friend of mine told me a few a months back, "God will never give you more than you can handle".

I believe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> A friend of mine told me a few a months back, "God will never give you more than you can handle".
> 
> I believe it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I have been told that and I am not going to lie I have questioned it a few times... I guess that is what my broad sholders are for.....:smthumbup:


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What a busy day! Went to Bed Bath and Beyond and got and electric blanket got it home and it does not get hot enough for me so now I have to take it back. The rain is here and the temp is dropping. H is still sick and the girls are missing him... Not going to lie I miss him.....Still think of him often..


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Not going to lie I miss him.....Still think of him often..


Think of all the crap he's put you through instead. And realize you deserve better!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I know!

Just tired and the girls wore me out today....

Miss companionship I guess


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I know!
> 
> Just tired and the girls wore me out today....
> 
> Miss companionship I guess


I hear you. But no companion is better than a bad companion.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> I hear you. But no companion is better than a bad companion.


Is it?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Is it?


Absolutely!! :smthumbup:

If you don't have someone building you up... what good are they?

If you love yourself, you can build yourself up without anyone else!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Just guess I was looking forward to my weekend off.....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Just guess I was looking forward to my weekend off.....


Yeah, that sucks. Everybody needs "me" time. Get a sitter!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Quote:
Originally Posted by zillard 
I hear you. But no companion is better than a bad companion. 




lee101981 said:


> Is it?


_Yea...it is! _

Relationships are like glass, sometimes it's better to leave them broken than to try to hurt yourself putting it back together. 

Your haveing a 'moment' ...find a way to get through the 'moment'...180 180 180....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by zillard
> I hear you. But no companion is better than a bad companion.
> 
> ...


LOVE seeing this change in attitude Stella! Go girl! You rock.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Sitter require money which I don't have. 
Yes I need some me time...

Yes I have been doing the 180 and doing a good job at , just saying the want to is still there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Sitter require money which I don't have.
> Yes I need some me time...
> 
> Yes I have been doing the 180 and doing a good job at , just saying the want to is still there
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too.. 

I still want him too Lee..._unreal man... unreal... _

I want him around...and I want to shoot him in the balls... 

50/50... :lol:


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> Me too..
> 
> I still want him too Lee..._unreal man... unreal... _
> 
> ...



I guess I have just been in a bit of a funk this weekend...Zillard I could use some words of wisdom....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I guess I have just been in a bit of a funk this weekend...Zillard I could use some words of wisdom....


What do you enjoy doing?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)




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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Thanks Stella
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

lee101981 said:


> What a busy day! Went to Bed Bath and Beyond and got and electric blanket got it home and it does not get hot enough for me so now I have to take it back. The rain is here and the temp is dropping. H is still sick and the girls are missing him... Not going to lie I miss him.....Still think of him often..


Bought one myself the 11th, except, im the one thats sick.. blahhh... its been rain/gloom/cold around here and everyone at work is ill, my 11yr old is sick, and I survived the past weekend only to completely crash friday. Went home, (hit redbox first..) and buried myself in that blanket. 

Now that its Monday, im feelin much better. 
Interesting that you are a Libra too.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

lee101981 said:


> Is it?


Having been with the ex for sixteen years, married 10 and been divorced for a year and a few,, I can say that I hit my moments where I wish there was a woman who loved me, close to me.
I shaved the end of my fingertip off with the potato peeler my mom got me for Christmas (lol bachelor-box-o'-goodies), and I thought, how nice it'd be to have someone with a band-aid ready. The ex didnt have the capacity to think along those terms. "doing" for the pure sake of showing love and concern for another, seemed to be viewed as always too sacrificial and demanding.. Even tiny, thoughtless things that mean a lot.

A woman to place her hand on my lowerback as we walk thru the aisles of the grocery store, stocking up for the week... 
My marriage taught me exactly what it was I did not want.
But also, ensured I did not overlook the littlest of expressions..

For me, after many years, a crumb from the table was more than a banquet, and I believe I myself am the only one capable of filling their emotional "love bank" on pure organic material one finds in pastures.

I personally believe that being in that marriage could have only resulted in divorce after awhile. My own belief in the nature of the marriage and how it should have been wasnt shared with the ex, and she continues to operate the same way with her new dude. 

I can say without a doubt that I am fine, without her, in fact I continue to grow steady as a new person, confidence is coming back, desire to Go and Do is back...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Bought one myself the 11th, except, im the one thats sick.. blahhh... its been rain/gloom/cold around here and everyone at work is ill, my 11yr old is sick, and I survived the past weekend only to completely crash friday. Went home, (hit redbox first..) and buried myself in that blanket.
> 
> Now that its Monday, im feelin much better.
> Interesting that you are a Libra too.


We have already had 1 round of the flu now h has the flu so the girls have not seen him in a week....
I love redbox.... and we as in me and my girls stayed buried this weekend too

Libras are great balanced and loyal


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Having been with the ex for sixteen years, married 10 and been divorced for a year and a few,, I can say that I hit my moments where I wish there was a woman who loved me, close to me.
> I shaved the end of my fingertip off with the potato peeler my mom got me for Christmas (lol bachelor-box-o'-goodies), and I thought, how nice it'd be to have someone with a band-aid ready. The ex didnt have the capacity to think along those terms. "doing" for the pure sake of showing love and concern for another, seemed to be viewed as always too sacrificial and demanding.. Even tiny, thoughtless things that mean a lot.
> 
> A woman to place her hand on my lowerback as we walk thru the aisles of the grocery store, stocking up for the week...
> ...



Just miss being in a relationship, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or going for a drive, or sitting around a fire.... laying on the trampoline on a summer night looking at the stars,,watching the kids play at the park,,,,


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Just miss being in a relationship, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or going for a drive, or sitting around a fire.... laying on the trampoline on a summer night looking at the stars,,watching the kids play at the park,,,,


And none of those things require him. I'm sure someone else would love to do those things with you. As soon as you are happy with you.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> And none of those things require him. I'm sure someone else would love to do those things with you. As soon as you are happy with you.


I know I am working on it.... In a better mood today,,,,


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

34 degrees and should hit 25 tonight this women is sleeping with her electric blanket !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

WoW what a day. I woke up and got the girls ready without turning on the tv and went to start the car and there was snow on the ground. Needless to say I should of turned on the news.
Cleaned my house from top to bottom and went and got my girls there own electric blanket cause we were fighting over mine...
Sent out some resumes today. Got all the laundry done. Making homemade hamburgers and french frise for dinner.... I really need to go and get some fire wood. 

Some things have really started to come into view... I am a very strong, independent, smart, logical person and I come across as my way or not way,, that is not the person that I want to me. I am loyal and would give anyone the shirt off my back but come to see that I expect what I put out in return, which most of the time is not the case. I have high expectations of people and situtions and things just dont go according to plan. I like to plan but something always goes wrong so why plan, why not go with the flow... There are so many things that I want to change and that I am working on...I see a brighter future... Things are looking up..... I see the light....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I see the light....


That light is you!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

No calendar quote today. But here is a song for you. Enjoy!

Wilco - What Light - YouTube


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Minor Set Back Today.

H saw the kids for the first time in a week and half do to the flu. He came over tonight to see the girls and he had his ring off ( it hurt ) That was the first time I have seen his finger without the ring in 10 years. After we put the girls to bed we were talking and the girls heard us... they came out crying which in turn made me cry. I told them that there dad is not coming back to live with us and we are getting a divorce. There were some tears shead...I feel like I broke there hearts tonight... I really and truly hate that feeling. I feel like I let them down. I feel so conflicted.. I want to hurt him the way he hurt me... and that is not like me...I know that will not solve anything. I dont know what to do.. I dont even want to lay eyes on him. I am grieving for the person that he was. I am grieving for my marriage that he could not fight for... I know that I deserve better ... just ready for a job without depending on him. He is so calm and cool and he acts like nothing is going on like he lost nothing like I was nothing and it hurts like a knife to the heart...... I am mad that I let it get to me in the mannor that it did... It is time to keep trucking along......


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Lee, Once again we support you, and we are here for you in every way, shape, and form that we can. I can see that you have a golden heart. You need to stop letting this man tarnish that shining beautiful heart of yours. 

He has NO respect for you because you allow it. He hurts you because you allow it. You need to be strong! Stop giving him the power to control and manipulate you and your feelings. He feels no loss or remorse because he has no respect. You've given of yourself to the point that he takes that amazing heart of yours for granted. He will regret it eventually; once you become strong enough for yourself and he sees what he has lost. To him, you always be there. 

Remember when you didn't call him? What did he do? It's the biggest Jedi Mind Fvck I've ever experienced, however you can't miss or appreciate something you have constantly and consistently given to you served on a golden platter. Stop letting this get to you, stop fighting, take everything emotionally away from him, detach completely, and if he still shows no interest than he is a fool and it will be his biggest regret somewhere down the line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

bryane said:


> Lee, Once again we support you, and we are here for you in every way, shape, and form that we can. I can see that you have a golden heart. You need to stop letting this man tarnish that shining beautiful heart of yours.
> 
> He has NO respect for you because you allow it. He hurts you because you allow it. You need to be strong! Stop giving him the power to control and manipulate you and your feelings. He feels no loss or remorse because he has no respect. You've given of yourself to the point that he takes that amazing heart of yours for granted. He will regret it eventually; once you become strong enough for yourself and he sees what he has lost. To him, you always be there.
> 
> ...


_Listen here girl...._


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

New day and a new attitude...Bryane you really have a way with words....I see that each time I let my guard down he knows it and uses it. I am moving forward with my life. I know that I deserve better. I made a few lists last night..

1. Things I want to change about myself
2. Things I want to do
3. Things I want in my partner


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## bryane (Dec 2, 2012)

Great Job Lee!!! You are on the right track!!! Change yourself and you will change the dynamics of how others will treat and respond to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

He is the only one who treats me that way, that's is what I don't get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> He is te only one who treats me that way, that's is what I don't get.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never got it either...still don't...my conclusion to this is that is just no longer matters...he's passive aggressive...thinks of himself...narcissist...he's just simply 'not normal'...he's an abuser who enjoyed his work. 
He watches his dad put down his mom daily...hey...there's a clue...but in the end what's it matter...

I'm no longer his victim. :sleeping:


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> New day and a new attitude...Bryane you really have a way with words....I see that each time I let my guard down he knows it and uses it. I am moving forward with my life. I know that I deserve better. I made a few lists last night..
> 
> 1. Things I want to change about myself
> 2. Things I want to do
> 3. Things I want in my partner


proud of you...you need to realize just how fantastic you really are...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am pretty fantastic if I do say so myself... Stella how are things going? Good I hope


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am pretty fantastic if I do say so myself... Stella how are things going? Good I hope


of course you ARE!!!! xoxoxoo

I'm consumed with a project...that should be coming to a head here soon that will be big deal in my healing process...i am on pins and needles and very very nervous and scared for a possible backfire...what I am trying to do is a very big deal...very big. Huge. My heart beats in my throat and I'm never rested right now...I'm busting at the seams...anxiety level high...

when it comes full circle I will be able to share...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> of course you ARE!!!! xoxoxoo
> 
> I'm consumed with a project...that should be coming to a head here soon that will be big deal in my healing process...i am on pins and needles and very very nervous and scared for a possible backfire...what I am trying to do is a very big deal...very big. Huge. My heart beats in my throat and I'm never rested right now...I'm busting at the seams...anxiety level high...
> 
> when it comes full circle I will be able to share...


Not sure if you are ready but the gym would be a great way to get out some of that anxiety out of that body...I sure hope that this plan of yours goes the way you want it!! I am praying for you!:smthumbup:


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I made a few lists last night..
> 
> 1. Things I want to change about myself
> 2. Things I want to do
> 3. Things I want in my partner


Another good one to make is things you LIKE about yourself.

And accomplishments you are proud of.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Not sure if you are ready but the gym would be a great way to get out some of that anxiety out of that body...I sure hope that this plan of yours goes the way you want it!! I am praying for you!:smthumbup:


and right you are...

I'm naughty...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I think you will feel lots better once you get back to the gym
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I think you will feel lots better once you get back to the gym
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd love to do this too, but not feasible for me with work and kiddo schedule. Have just started stuff at home (situps, pushups, etc) instead.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Tell me about it with two kids all the time it is harder... plue need the money for it, but I sure do love to work up a sweat....

Today was not a bad day kind of long but sure glad it is over... I am so ready for better things to come... I am looking forward to the future...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Plan for the future, but live in the present.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

zillard said:


> Plan for the future, but live in the present.


I like you Zillard.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> I like you Zillard.


:iagree:

I am not sure how I would of gotten this far without Zillard, Stella, Bryane, Hermes support


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Lee, all I've done is tell you things I've been repeating to myself!

YOU are the one who has ran with it and picked yourself up. The change I've seen in you and Stella in the last week or two is amazing. You both really should be proud of yourselves.

You both are amazing women who I'd be happy to treat to dinner.

:smthumbup:


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Zillard,

You have shown me that no matter what happened or who did what , I did everything that I could do. That this gives me the chance to better myself. To set a better example for my daughters. I want to be able to show them what a true passionate marriage looks like. I want them to want something more then what I had. I also learned you can't make someone a better parent they have to want to be a better parent. I really and truly just want more for myself. Thank you for ur insight during a dark time. I really enjoy our talks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> Lee, all I've done is tell you things I've been repeating to myself!
> 
> YOU are the one who has ran with it and picked yourself up. The change I've seen in you and Stella in the last week or two is amazing. You both really should be proud of yourselves.
> 
> ...



Not sure you could handle both of us at the same time!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

zillard said:


> Lee, all I've done is tell you things I've been repeating to myself!
> 
> YOU are the one who has ran with it and picked yourself up. The change I've seen in you and Stella in the last week or two is amazing. You both really should be proud of yourselves.
> 
> ...


I GOT A DATE! 

And it's a threesome! . SCORE! :smthumbup:


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

better make that a four i feel the same as z and so proud of you two. 
we can see the growth and strength shining through girls. so cool and so well done. big congrats :smthumbup: , kisses and hugs.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Can I tell you that my girls are going to spend the night with there dad on Saturday and I cant wait it has been two weeks do to h having the flu... I get to have a free night and I have nothing planned... So excited. Maybe some redbox movies and electric blanket and the couch are calling my name. I cant tell you the last time I sat and watched a movie without the kids ......Or I just might go out,,, no clue what my days holds for me but I am excited about it.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Enjoy the down time! You deserve it. 

Why not do both? Go out for a bit and then unwind with a good flick!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> Enjoy the down time! You deserve it.
> 
> Why not do both? Go out for a bit and then unwind with a good flick!


I plan on it....It is over due


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Dear Lord,

Please take this anger away from me, I know that holding on to it will not be good for anyone. Please comfort my children... Please give me the ability to be everything that my girls are in need of. I am so mad that once again the girls wanted to call there dad before bed and he did not pick up... They were upset. I want to reach through the phone and knock him upside the head. Like I have read you cant make someone be a better parent.. I sure wish that I could...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Find a good way to let that anger out (that doesn't hurt anyone). Drive somewhere and yell. Take a jog and imagine stepping on his face with each step. photo on a dart board. etc. 

I go to the gun range. 

But you have to let it out. If you keep it in you'll burst eventually. Trust me. I skipped a few weeks at the range and ended up posting posOM on cheaterville and engaging him when he responded. I should have just shot a photo of him instead.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

It just so happens I will have some free time tomorrow night!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> It just so happens I will have some free time tomorrow night!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take something he gave you and smash it with a hammer!

Draw his face on a marshmallow and throw it in the microwave.

Write him the nastiest, most foul letter you can come up with. Then burn it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

But really what the he k do I do with our emails back and forth for the past years and pictures and cards maybe that is what needs to be burned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> But really what the he k do I do with our emails back and forth for the past years and pictures and cards maybe that is what needs to be burned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Photos are good to keep for your daughters. They'll want to see that someday. 

Emails? Burn out that delete key! 

Mementos from our wedding (champagne glasses, etc), congratulatory cards, father's day cards she gave me, bday cards... I packed all that crap in her boxes before she moved out. 

From whence it came... cuz obviously it didn't mean much. Return to sender.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Or burn it! They're your's. 

If you were a guy I'd tell you to burn em and then pee on em. 

It's symbolic. Not only are you burning him away. You're burning and releasing your anger too. Let it go. Turn it to ashes where it can do some good.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Apparently I need similar therapy..  I've been deleting photos from FB. 

Maybe burning photos might be helpful tomorrow. A bonfire would be perfect!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

loveispatient said:


> Apparently I need similar therapy..  I've been deleting photos from FB.
> 
> Maybe burning photos might be helpful tomorrow. A bonfire would be perfect!


I did the same thing. Actually approached FB in stages, but unsure that was best. 

At first I deleted all the photos from my albums with her in them. Then I untagged myself from all her photos. Then I unfriended her. Then I blocked her. 

At each stage I wasn't ready for the next. But I see it probably would have been better to start by blocking.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I did block H from my personal FB. I also did the same w/ my professional FB account. Tough managing both, but I work in communication. So it's a necessary evil. 

I've been untagging myself and deleting albums in chunks with wild abandon. I have the photos in separate hard drives, so I don't necessarily need to post them up.

I can't sleep. So it seems best to delete stuff. 

I've been thinking of switching my cell phone number just to reduce contact even further, but it's probably unwise since I also use it professionally.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

loveispatient said:


> I did block H from my personal FB. I also did the same w/ my professional FB account. Tough managing both, but I work in communication. So it's a necessary evil.
> 
> I've been untagging myself and deleting albums in chunks with wild abandon. I have the photos in separate hard drives, so I don't necessarily need to post them up.
> 
> ...


Do you have kids or no? 

Seems I'm in a similar boat. Visual Communication here. Use phone for business too. Also use for X to call kiddo. If no children it would be different though. I'd be cutting so many more ties.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

No children. We tried, but after multiple pregnancy losses and IVF attempts, it took its toll. Somewhat glad we have no children. Wanted them, but in this situation, it would have been horrible. 

It's still pretty fresh for me, but I know that with time, I will feel better. 

As it is, I woke up this morning with anxiety and then I looked at the time (6 a.m. EST) and realized that he's leaving the state right around now to move cross country. In any case, after 10-years with someone, it's easy to fall in the habit of thinking of life together versus apart.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well like Gutpunch I too had a blue day. Today H came over to get the girls and it was like nothing, no words no feelings. I want to be able to look at him and not feel pain but the truth is I do. I am pissed and hurt that he feels it is ok not to fight for us. He makes me feel like I am not worth fighting for and I know that I am. I want to see that he is hurting and I know deep down he is but he would not dare show it... I am trying so hard to move forward with my life.... It hurts to know that we still have to see one another.... Someone in his famly facebooked me and told me not to give up... Like I really needed to hear that. I am not the one that gave up... I was told that the family can see that he is not happy... well good
It hurts that he makes me feel like being closer to work is better then being in the same town as your kids... We got into a tiff over the phone cause the youngest does not want to play soccer and he things I should sign her up anyway and I told him no. I am the one that has to drag her to practice when she does not want to go. I am the one that would have to drag her to the games.. I get he has a say but really not that much of one seeing how he is not here. I want to let this pain and anger go and it seems that it only finds me after I see him.... and I will have to see him for the next 14 years.... I want to get passed this. I want to move forward. I dont want to have a relaps each time I see him....I miss the old him ... so much it hurts.... I am done with this crappy day...


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I agree with UP. My boy plays football here in
Alabama. I feel sorry for the little boys
whose father's literally drag their sons
out there crying everyday. Sports
are for fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I agree with not allowing quitting. There are kids out
there who clearly never wanted to be there
from day one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Sunday the last chance to sign up and I was talking with him and he like she will have fun just do it. I said I am not going to have to fight her to get to practice then fight her to go to the games, she's one Of the top scores!! Just pissed me off its like If you were here and you wanted to sigh her up go for it then you could drag her to practice and the games
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What a Shi#y weekend.. I can not look at him without hurting.. I am mad that he can get to me.. I am pissed that I am hurting and he cant show that he is hurting. I am not sure I will be able to ever look at him with out feeling like crying.... I really had a set back this weekend... I dont want to be this person... I want to let go... I hate that if I think about him or our life I cry and cant control it... I want to be able to talk about it without crying...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

What did you do this weekend? Did you go out?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Hang in there Lee it will pass. I had a much better day today. Tomorrow will be a much better day for you.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> What did you do this weekend? Did you go out?



NO I did nothing but go to the store and my grandma came over and stayed the night with me... U took down the Christmas lights and bagged up all the leaves in my yard and cleaned up the garage. H picked up the girls saturday and took them up to his work so he could work then today he took them up there again today,,,, He does nothing but get on to them for being loud and horsing around...(what does he expect) why even bother getting them if you are just going to take them to his work... Just not a good weekend and ready to get back to moving forward...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> NO I did nothing but go to the store and my grandma came over and stayed the night with me... U took down the Christmas lights and bagged up all the leaves in my yard and cleaned up the garage. H picked up the girls saturday and took them up to his work so he could work then today he took them up there again today,,,, He does nothing but get on to them for being loud and horsing around...(what does he expect) why even bother getting them if you are just going to take them to his work... Just not a good weekend and ready to get back to moving forward...


Sorry Lee. That's rough. Its very important to do something for you though. 

Yesterday I went shopping for myself and got a few news shirts and a pair of shoes. All on clearance + a coupon so didn't spend much but were great finds.

I went out last night and struck up conversation with strangers. I now know three more guys in my neighborhood and even got a possible new client. 

Came home to an empty house... and had a good long cry. I let out a lot of sadness but felt better afterward. 

Then saw I had a new message from the female friend in my hometown I've been talking with a bit. We ended up chatting until 3:30 in the morning for the second night in a row. 

I got up this morning and played with the dog. Then went out and got a haircut. Had a good conversation with the cute hair stylist about how awesome daughters are. 

My point is... don't expect these waves of sadness and other emotions to go away any time soon. They will be there. But you've got to roll with em and not let them control your day. It really is amazing how something as simple as a new pair of shoes, a convo with a stranger, or a haircut can really brighten your day... if you let it.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I can not even talk about the d without crying , it is like I have no control over it' it makes me so mad that I can't !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I can not even talk about the d without crying , it is like I have no control over it' it makes me so mad that I can't !!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is normal in the grieving process. Don't be angry at yourself for feeling it. It is natural. It does not mean you are weak. 

And it will pass in time. 

There are things you can do to make this stage pass more quickly. 

1. Don't beat yourself up
2. Go back and read those positive lists that I hope you've completed. If not, complete them.
3. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. 
4. Correct your inner critic. Speak to yourself with respect. No, "dam I'm stupid". If you have a thought like that tell yourself "No! I'm not. I did a stupid thing".


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You make it seem do easy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

It most certainly is not easy. Not. at. all.

But with effort and focus it does get easier. By treating yourself well you are retraining yourself. It won't happen overnight. It won't happen at all unless you stick to it. You will make mistakes. These are good. We could not learn and grow without them. They are positive.

You do not need to rely on the actions or feelings of others. You take action and reclaim your identity, your purpose, your passions - your life. It belongs to you and will be what you make of it.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Glad to see your still hanging un there Lee. Sorry your having a rough day but i've just caught up on your thread and I can see how much stronger you are now than you were when you started. You are doing amazing and your girls are lucky to have you. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Like I have a choice. Is it sad that I want revenge even though I know it won't make the pain go away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Like I have a choice. Is it sad that I want revenge even though I know it won't make the pain go away!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sad. Not abnormal. Perfectly natural feeling. How you act on is the test. 

You can get revenge that will help the pain though. Don't let him control your happiness. He will expect you to crumble. Don't give him that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Like I have a choice. Is it sad that I want revenge even though I know it won't make the pain go away!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Completely normal. You may not have been given a choice when it came to the end of your relationship, but you absolutely have a choice as to what you do now. The best revenge is to find happiness for you and your girls without him. When you do that, he will be the one left behind, not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am doing the beat that I can. Just a minor set back and now the girls have called h like 5 times to say good night and he is not picking up! They get alittle upset when he does not pick up and guess who gets to pick up the slack
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am doing the beat that I can. Just a minor set back and now the girls have called h like 5 times to say good night and he is not picking up! They get alittle upset when he does not pick up and guess who gets to pick up the slack
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will tell you what my daughters therapist told me. "Stop doing (his) share of the parenting." 

Don't call for good night. If he does, great. If he doesn't, comfort your daughts if the get upset. Do not make a big deal out of it or they will too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> I will tell you what my daughters therapist told me. "Stop doing (his) share of the parenting."
> 
> Don't call for good night. If he does, great. If he doesn't, comfort your daughts if the get upset. Do not make a big deal out of it or they will too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Such wise words once again...

Just dont like the looks on their face when the voice mail picks up. I mean really is it that hard to make a phone call or call earlier if you are going to be busy.. maybe I just expect to much.... but then again that is my problem I guess not anyone elses..


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

lee101981 said:


> NO I did nothing but go to the store and my grandma came over and stayed the night with me... U took down the Christmas lights and bagged up all the leaves in my yard and cleaned up the garage. H picked up the girls saturday and took them up to his work so he could work then today he took them up there again today,,,, He does nothing but get on to them for being loud and horsing around...(what does he expect) why even bother getting them if you are just going to take them to his work... Just not a good weekend and ready to get back to moving forward...


I'm sorry you've had a rough weekend. I don't think this process gets any easier. A friend of mine, who's mom went through a divorce with kids says that the waves of sadness will come and go even when it's months past.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

and by all means do something nice for yourself. We all should treat ourselves...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

loveispatient said:


> I'm sorry you've had a rough weekend. I don't think this process gets any easier. A friend of mine, who's mom went through a divorce with kids says that the waves of sadness will come and go even when it's months past.


He moved out 7 months ago! Just recently like the last month decided he wanted a d. Did not want to work at it! He is emotionally shut down stone cold! He makes this process look so effort less yet I can't keep myself from crying! Even when we are just talking about d they start to flow no matter how hard I try .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I understand. It's easy to think of everything we've lost after losing someone you love. 

It's only been two weeks for me and it's very difficult. I've made myself call friends and make plans, so that I'm not home moping or being sad or crying. It's difficult going from 10 years of being with someone to NO ONE to hold you when times are rough (as they are now). To top it off, I have NO FAMILY in this country. I'm pretty much on my own dealing with this. So don't beat yourself up for feeling sad over your marriage. It's painful. It's rough. 

My MIL told me that her first divorce was like a "death." There's a process I guess and we all have to go through it somehow. 

Wish we didn't have to, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger eventually. 

It's also been helping me to think about the things I can do now that H isn't here: 

1. Have the whole bed to myself
2. Eat whatever I want (He isn't a fan of a ethnic food or international food)
3. Don't have to clean-up behind him
4. The house is MUCH cleaner w/o him
5. I don't have to pretend to be happy


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am so ready for today! I am looking forward to spending the day with my girls that are out of school. I am in a better mood and know that I can't make him be a more attentive father, all I can is be there for my girls. Sent out 8 resumes already this morning! Really ready to get a job!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am so ready for today! I am looking forward to spending the day with my girls that are out of school. I am in a better mood and know that I can't make him be a more attentive father, all I can is be there for my girls. Sent out 8 resumes already this morning! Really ready to get a job!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awesome. Have a great time with your little princesses!

Good to hear your are getting more resumes out there. Keep it up and it will happen.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

lee101981 said:


> I am so ready for today! I am looking forward to spending the day with my girls that are out of school. I am in a better mood and know that I can't make him be a more attentive father, all I can is be there for my girls. Sent out 8 resumes already this morning! Really ready to get a job!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awesome! I hope you have a wonderful day with your kids. 

Good luck on the job hunt too...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What a day! I talked to h this morning and told him that it is not my job to make sure he talks to his girls. It is his job as their father to be in contact with them. I never thought any of this would be happening. But it is. I hurt for my girls. When they call and the voicemail picks up there faces turn sad and I just say maybe next time.... Just not sure how one can go from seeing there kids everyday from birth and go a few days with out talking or seeing them... it is so hard to wrap my head around it... After the morning we girls had a good day. We went to the park and jumped on the trampolin and watched a couple movies on NetFlix. I had enough time to clean out my whole kitchen today. Dropped of some clothes at goodwill. I also heard something on the radio today that really stuck with me..


You cant start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one....


I'm not going to pretent you dont exist. Instead, I'll show you I'm doing alright without you.

Hold your head high and your middle finger higher. Let him know what he's missing.

These quotes are plastered to my mirror so I have to look at them every morning.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Today was a great feeling. H came over and spent some times with the girls for like two hours and we put them to bed and there was no fighting nothing. This was the very first time that he left and I said goodbye *WITHOUT TEARS IN MY EYES*. This was the best feeling ever.. It was great I cant even formulate the words.....


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Awesome!...


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

So great
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm sorry it's been a hard day for you and your girls. I have no doubt that they miss their dad very much. 

Regardless of all that you're going through, I have to believe that you're doing everything possible to manage their expectations. I don't have children, but I'm often told that kids are a lot more resilient than we think. 

It hurts you as a mother to see them in pain, but you also need to know that you are doing the BEST you can despite a very difficult situation. 

Prayers and hugs to you.. and I hope the receptionist job pans out!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What a day... One of the places I filled out and app last week called me back and asked me for my birthday for a background check.... They wont find anything.... I am really praying this job works out... Any prayers would be great...really could use this....

Really just made my day... Hoping they call me back tomorrow to come in....


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm praying for you


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

That's excellent news. Sounds really "positive." Praying for you!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Great stuff Lee. Hoping for you.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Thanks for all the prayers !!! This job would be a great blessing and hoping it comes through, I so need this!!!

I have everything crossed, and spoke to the good Lord!
I guess we will see if this is where I am suppost to be!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> What a day! I talked to h this morning and told him that it is not my job to make sure he talks to his girls. It is his job as their father to be in contact with them. I never thought any of this would be happening. But it is. I hurt for my girls. When they call and the voicemail picks up there faces turn sad and I just say maybe next time.... Just not sure how one can go from seeing there kids everyday from birth and go a few days with out talking or seeing them... it is so hard to wrap my head around it... After the morning we girls had a good day. We went to the park and jumped on the trampolin and watched a couple movies on NetFlix. I had enough time to clean out my whole kitchen today. Dropped of some clothes at goodwill. I also heard something on the radio today that really stuck with me..
> 
> 
> You cant start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one....
> ...



Hi ya lee.
Yeah you know what , l can't believe they don't have a children forum in this section .
No one seems that interested in talking about it or helping , l can never believe that either.
Yet it's the hardest thing of this whole fg mess.

Anyway lee your doing so well , hang in there , life will come together , bit by bit .


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I got another call back today and they gave me a packet with 28 pages to fill out.... OMG Really... I am really hoping for some good news... Got my tax stuff together and I am calling and setting up and appt with a lawyer so I can get this D started and over with soon... I am ready to move forward...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

28 pages for a maybe? Must be a good job! Or a govt agency. 

Best of luck Lee. 2 calls in 2 days! Things are looking good.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> 28 pages for a maybe? Must be a good job! Or a govt agency.
> 
> Best of luck Lee. 2 calls in 2 days! Things are looking good.



It is for the city!!! I am praying !!!!!


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed!...  Hopefully everything falls in place, even if it means filling up 28 pages of stuff!

I'm somewhat toying with looking at a job in a different city, different country, anywhere but here... I've been teetered so long, but this experience is making me want to do what I missed out doing by being married and in love. So a new job sounds pretty exciting to me!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

loveispatient said:


> I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed!...  Hopefully everything falls in place, even if it means filling up 28 pages of stuff!
> 
> I'm somewhat toying with looking at a job in a different city, different country, anywhere but here... I've been teetered so long, but this experience is making me want to do what I missed out doing by being married and in love. So a new job sounds pretty exciting to me!



I know what you mean change of a city would be nice but with 2 kids I am not going anywhere anytime soon expecially if I dont have a job


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

lee101981 said:


> I know what you mean change of a city would be nice but with 2 kids I am not going anywhere anytime soon expecially if I dont have a job


Understood. I have just me and 2 dogs and 2 cats to deal with. Sadly, I think I'm going to have to give up one of the dogs because he's a handful and my work schedule is rough these days. H worked from help, so that USED to help. Granted, it's not the same as having kids by all means. 

Still, good luck on the job. Who knows what tomorrow holds? (this is the side of me that's a little bit more optimistic today after a glass of vino)


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well lastnight me and h got into a fight... Not good. I woke up to a flat tire after I just got my car back from the shop from the coolant leak that I had.. I really just had a pissy day.... My girls are gone for the weekend. I miss them already... My house feels so weird without them here....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear about the car. And the fight. Make sure and do something just for you this weekend!


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> Sorry to hear about the car. And the fight. Make sure and do something just for you this weekend!


I already have a to do list

I am going to I am going to sleep in
I am going to finish my 28 page application
I am going to go to the grocery store (Alone)
I am going to go to lunch with a friend
I am going to finish all the laundry in my house


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

So I am sitting home on a Saturday night finishing up my laundry.
I went to lunch with my friend and finished filling out my 28 pages for my application. I bought both my girls Valentines today and hid them. Got my taxes done. Also got my flat tire fixed. I sure do miss my girls... Cant wait to see them tomorrow. Little down but trying not to let it get to me....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Today was a downer day for me... I really missed my girls... I feel like I am alittle emotional now that the appt with the lawyer is set. I want to be in a better place but not sure that it is going to happen. I want to be able to forgive and let go but at times is just feels so hard and undoable... I kind of question my judgement alittle knowing what happened and how he handled it. I have been in touch with my friends but it is really hard coming home to and empty house. I miss my family as a whole. I hate looking around and thinking he is just going to walk through the door and this is going to be a bump in the road or a bad dream. I have been doing alot of reading and I know that I am having more good days then bad but when the come they are Blah.... Just venting I guess. I really want to move foward.....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

How about today? Are you feeling better?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

zillard said:


> How about today? Are you feeling better?


No Not really my current situation is really wearing me down at the moment. 
I know that this is just a phase and it will soon pass but it truly feels like it wont end soon enough.
I am tired of not having a job.
I am not happy about not having my own money.
I feel like I have lost my indepedance.
My pride is hurt.
I am hurting over the lost of my marriage.
I am tired of feeling lonely

I did stop and surprise my daughter for lunch today and I did turn in my 28 page background/ application today and they told me it might be a while..... 


I am truly trying to stay positive and set a great example for my girls but it is truly one of the hardest things that I hae had to do.. This really has been the hardest time of my life so far and I know that I have been lucky because alot of people out there have if far worse then this. I am ready for some great and exciting things to come my way....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am ready for some great and exciting things to come my way....


And they will if you think positive. If you don't, you may not recognize them when they do come. 

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. over and over.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

lee101981 said:


> I am truly trying to stay positive and set a great example for my girls but it is truly one of the hardest things that I hae had to do.. This really has been the hardest time of my life so far and I know that I have been lucky because alot of people out there have if far worse then this. I am ready for some great and exciting things to come my way....


It's not easy to stay positive in a situation like this. You're absolutely correct. But I tell myself that this too shall pass and I have to believe that. Great things will come! I truly believe that the hardship we face only makes us better... and it allows us to appreciate the smaller things in life that we took for granted. 

I hope the job works out in your favor....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

What the heck is wrong with me. Why in the world when I see him do I feel love. I want to hate him and part of me does but the other loves him... I guess apart of me always will. I want to move into the anger stage, I want to be able to see him and not want him. Who in there right mind wants someone who does not want them. I hate how he can just get to me. I want to be able to look at him and not get on the emotional rollar coaster.. I want off please, I have rode this ride long enough


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> What the heck is wrong with me. Why in the world when I see him do I feel love. I want to hate him and part of me does but the other loves him... I guess apart of me always will. I want to move into the anger stage, I want to be able to see him and not want him. Who in there right mind wants someone who does not want them. I hate how he can just get to me. I want to be able to look at him and not get on the emotional rollar coaster.. I want off please, I have rode this ride long enough


The thing that's wrong with you currently is your perception of yourself. You are still letting him define your worth. He is not validating and so you feel like crap. 

You are worth more. He does not deserve you. You do not need him. You are no less without him.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Here's a post from another site that I found a couple of months ago that put things in perspective - helped me feel a little better about the situation we are all going through:

What to expect when you get dumped! 

I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. On the internet, I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot. 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down. 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months. 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything. 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful). 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new. 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague. 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope." 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t. 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive. 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did. 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called. 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow). 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson. 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had. 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought. 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be. 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery. 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react. 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back. 

And the universe will take care of the rest.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Here's a post from another site that I found a couple of months ago that put things in perspective - helped me feel a little better about the situation we are all going through:
> 
> What to expect when you get dumped!
> 
> ...



I think that I will just have to print that out.... and hang it on the fridge so I know that I atleast have to look at it 3 times a day..... Thanks guys....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

So irritated today!


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> So irritated today!


Me too!! :rant:

Hope it chnages into positive energy!!!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> So irritated today!


If we focus on what we want, we'll naturally gravitate toward our goals. 

The opposite is true too. Don't focus on what irritates you. If someone acted a certain way, think of how you would prefer them to act instead. And what you can do differently to get that type of treatment or response.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am just tired of feeling like I am on the losing end of everything. I feel like my choice has been taken away and it is pissing my off. I am trying to work my way back happy but at the moment it feels like I have to go backwards in order to move forwards... I have lost 7 pounds and have paid extra on my credit card the last two months so I know that I moving towards my goals. I made some appt before I lose insurance dental, doc, eye exam... Sent out some resumes and I know that God has a plan and maybe the plan is me spending more time with my girls during this period of there life due to the d... but it truly is hard for me to be home all day.. I am a worker bee not stay at home mom ...... Trying to look for the rainbow during the rain... I guess.... I am lonely and miss my best friend....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am just tired of feeling like I am on the losing end of everything. I feel like my choice has been taken away and it is pissing my off. I am trying to work my way back happy but at the moment it feels like I have to go backwards in order to move forwards... I have lost 7 pounds and have paid extra on my credit card the last two months so I know that I moving towards my goals. I made some appt before I lose insurance dental, doc, eye exam... Sent out some resumes and I know that God has a plan and maybe the plan is me spending more time with my girls during this period of there life due to the d... but it truly is hard for me to be home all day.. I am a worker bee not stay at home mom ...... Trying to look for the rainbow during the rain... I guess.... I am lonely and miss my best friend....


I know it's hard. 

But you are not losing. You have your girls, you have yourself, and you have your integrity. Focus on them. 

You are doing great. You are making progress. Real, lasting progress takes time.

Be your own best friend. You two will get along great!


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## mama2five (Dec 29, 2012)

^^great post up there. Very insightful article
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Regroup had a great post huh!!! I liked it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well I have been away for a few days... I have been doing some thinking and let me tell you that can be scary... There is nothing new to report. Just working on me and the girls... Looking for a Job!


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

A few days of hard thinking without a meltdown drawing you back here is definitely some great progress Lee! 

Keep it up. You rock.


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