# 15 Signs You're with a Good Man



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just found this piece by James Michael Sama. My iPad is not letting me link for some reason, but wanted to share it.

_"When it comes to dating and relationships, I often find myself wondering how certain people end up with others. Wondering why they don’t walk away if they don’t get what they deserve and hoping that they truly appreciate their teammate if they are getting what they deserve.

I think a big part of the problem blurring this line is that many people aren’t even quite sure what a healthy relationship looks like these days or how a ‘good man’ (or woman) should act towards their partner. To help clarify, I have put together this list of how a good man should act while in a relationship.
___________________________________________________________________

*A good man never lets you forget how much he loves you.*

I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with women who tell me that there is no affection in their relationship. The man in their life does not make them feel loved, wanted, or appreciated. This is a profoundly important piece of the puzzle – a good man will always remind you how much you mean to him.

I understand men can be less communicative or affectionate than women are, but this does not excuse the severe lack of effort put forth by our generation. If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if they do.

*A good man always supports you.*

Regardless of whether you want to go back to school after 20 years to get your Master’s degree, start a singing career, or stay at home to raise a family, a good man will always support you and what you want out of your life. He will never discourage you or make you feel as though you can’t do what you set out to do. He will be beside you every step of the way, cheering on your victories and comforting you during your defeats.

*A good man will inspire you.*

This goes one step beyond supporting you, which can be more passive. To inspire someone takes effort both in how one lives their own life as well as encourages others to live theirs. A good man’s drive and ambition will rub off on you as he pursues his own passions.

*A good man will work to gain your trust.*

A good man will want you to be comfortable and confident in your relationship. The very cornerstone of this is being able to trust someone, and he will realize that. Without trust there is no foundation for love or respect.

He will understand that trust is not just handed over to someone – it has to be earned, and then it has to be kept.

*A good man will always make you feel beautiful.*

He will understand that making you feel beautiful does not just mean saying the words to you. It will mean truly making you feel beautiful. In the way he looks at you, touches you, and treats you. He will notice details when you put effort into your appearance and remind you how attractive he still finds you even when you don’t.

A good man will understand that whether you are in your sweatpants on the couch or in your evening gown heading to a gala, when you love someone for who they truly are, everything about them becomes beautiful.

*A good man will make you feel safe.*

I have always said that I believe one of the best compliments a woman can give a man is telling him that she feels safe around him. Regardless of how attracted she is to you or how funny she thinks you are or how much money you have – if a woman cannot sleep soundly by your side at night, none of it matters.

*A good man does the little things.*

Do you need a prescription filled but have to stay late at work? Did you mention an art exhibit coming to town and he made plans to take you to see it? Regardless of how small certain things seem, he will understand they are really the big things that matter most.

*A good man never crosses the line.*

It is natural to have disagreements and even arguments in a relationship – but there is no reason to make things personal, become insulting, and never, ever to become abusive. A good man will remain calm and stay on the topic at hand.

*A good man is always trying to improve himself.*

Whether it be learning new things, developing a new skill set, reading a new book or watching a documentary – a good man who prides himself on continuous self improvement will always be intellectually challenging you and keeping your attention. He will be doing these things for himself, but the added benefit will be the positive impact it has on your relationship.

*A good man understands actions speak louder than words.*

Having the right man in your life will make you understand that people who make promises do not deserve your respect. People who keep promises deserve your respect, and he will be one of them.

*A good man will open up to you.*

It can be difficult for some men to express their emotions, fears, and even inner-most desires – but having the right woman in our life often helps to open those doors. A good man, while understanding of course some things are to be kept private, will not hide things from you or bottle up his feelings knowing it will cause tension and frustration.

*A good man will always be honest with you.*

When building a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship, a good man will understand that honesty is always the best policy.

*A good man will make you feel comfortable being honest.*

Comfort in a relationship (the good kind, not the kind that makes you stop trying) comes from the ability to be open and honest with your partner – and the ability to do this comes from knowing you will never be judged. A good man will encourage you to open up and share your feelings with him. There should never be any fear of him flying off the handle or overreacting if you share something with him.

This means being able to be the most genuine, uncensored version of yourself around him.

*A good man will never be abusive.*

Perhaps the most important point of all. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically, a good man will never even think about being abusive towards you or harmful in any way. If this happens to you – please have the courage and respect for yourself in order to talk to someone or walk away immediately. No good person would ever act like this and it will not get better on its own.

*A good man will stand by you no matter what.*

When a man commits his love and his time to a woman, there are no stipulations or circumstances required. There will be good times and there will be not-so-good times. There will be challenges and unexpected situations that arise. But he will stay by your side and be your teammate through it all.

Of course, there is an asterisk on this. This does not mean you can disrespect him, lie, or cheat. It does not mean you can betray his trust and expect him to stick around because he promised to commit to you. This point is about things the two of you go through together and him having the integrity needed to not walk away when times get hard.

Any man can be by your side on the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not he will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days.

And ladies, if the man you are with puts in the effort to be this person for you, please let him know how much you appreciate him. No matter how kind a person is, there is no emptier feeling than giving your heart to someone who you feel takes it for granted."_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Good charactered spouses... both men *and women*.. strive to live by these .....sometimes one's influence helps the other along (or it should)... it was this way with us.. I was the more dysfunctional "gave attitude" & needed to grow a little in some of these.. 

I have wondered what I may have become had I not met & married my husband who has always lived these before me...not to mention dealing with me at times.. 



> *Any man can be by your side on the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not he will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days*.


This made me think of this *>> *


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SA, when you were giving attitude, did you feel like it made you too powerful, in a negative way, in your marriage?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Just found this piece by James Michael Sama*.


 I think these articles hold a little more weight when written by the gender of the one saying THEY need to improve.. I LIKE seeing it was written by *a man*...more so than another article where a woman is expecting more from a man.. just better that the MAN sees these things as WELL, honorable and GOOD....*Men need to inspire men to be better MEN*.. 

Just as I feel it shows self reflection if women write about how WE CAN be better women to our men...if both genders would concentrate HERE MORE instead of picking on each other.. we'd all be better off.. but I am not holding my breath. 

I looked up this writer.. read more about him here *>>* About | James Michael Sama...he mentions the "new Chivalry Movement "... (not sure what that means but I probably would like it)...

And I found this article...he is BIG into not "settling" for mediocre treatment.. I know this is easy to SAY... but I think it's true *in dating*.. most especially when we have the freedom to easily walk away...if we marry someone who doesn't fulfill what we long for.... it's going to be a downward spiral .. it's really *too late*, like grasping at straws to expect noticeable changes after we've accepted one's faulty treatment over & over again...

If we can't influence someone for the better...in the "getting to know each other" phase.... and they see the benefit- for both of them...we should not stay in that relationship....it's just too difficult once married.. and after children enter the picture...some things really should be Deal breakers.. we each need to know what we can & can not live with. 

3 Words That Will Improve Your RelationshipsÂ*|Â*James Michael Sama



> Are you not happy with the person you're with? Leave.
> 
> Do they mistreat you or act in ways that are unacceptable? Tell them, and if they don't change, leave.
> 
> ...


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where is this man? 

Hell, I'd like to meet this guy!


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I read this a few weeks ago and told my sis I need to print it out and hang it on my fridge. She agreed. My STBX is the exact opposite of every single one of these.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I read this a few weeks ago and told my sis I need to print it out and hang it on my fridge. She agreed. My STBX is the exact opposite of every single one of these.


So glad you two are parting ways!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> SA, when you were giving attitude, did you feel like it made you too powerful, in a negative way, in your marriage?


Yes.. in a negative way.. it had it's effects.. when he was always happy to come home to me.. and I was in a MOOD cause I couldn't conceive all those years.. he didn't deserve that.. he'd put his arms around me & I might brush him off.. I was just ANGRY.. 

Now what if I read a bunch of articles back then about how MEN SHOULD BE .. which we seem to see lots more of.. but NONE honing in on my own lousy pathetic behavior...I NEEDED A WAKE UP CALL.... it wasn't his fault I couldn't get pregnant.. he did everything he possibly could , went faithfully to treatments with me.. never complained about the cost, was willing to do an In vitro even... my wish was his command...

Did I thank him ENOUGH back then..I am going to say ..*NOT* ....and sure... these things CUT INTO his enthusiasm for me at time ... 

I mean I was a good wife in many ways.. just basket-cased, too 1-track minded during that... so yeah... he allowed me to have my Pity parties over myself.. and rant ... but I wasn't getting how I was HURTING US BOTH darn it .. I could have been *a more loving wife* during that.. HE DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG.. 

And when we met.. I KNEW how much he was into me.. I took a little advantage there too.. I always got my way.. Gawd I must sound awful [email protected]#.... but I wasn't using him.. I hate when GOOD GUYS are used...HATE I Tell you.. I've always been one to stick up for the underdog..

I love the GOOD GUYS... I respected him, could not hurt someone so good to me... one helpful thing... he really didn't mind "MY WAY" so much.. it was just "more time with him" anyway... and I never expected "high class" anything.. I was very easy to please in this area.....He would say I make myself sound worse than I was...which is sweet of him...

I misused some of my power.. unfortunate to say. Of course he's pretty happy he put up with me...through all that


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks for sharing that, SA. 

I think one reason you and I tend to see marriage slightly differently is that we feel the balance of power differently in our marriages. I think you, and some other gals that come to mind here on the forum, feel very powerful in your marriages. And you are. You recognize your impact. You don't need an article telling men to be better men, because the more influential person in your marriage is not your husband. Is that accurate?

I focus on men becoming better men, because in my marriage, my husband is the critical factor. I can try to be the best wife and mother I can be, but without his cooperation, my influence is limited. 

You are in a good marriage, and I am, too. But what makes each of our marriages good is a little different, I think. And that balance of power is a big part of that.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You should in general be happy when you are with your partner. Sometimes people seem to work so hard an relationships that they forget this most important bit.

So a good man or woman will make you happy.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> Thanks for sharing that, SA.
> 
> I think one reason you and I tend to see marriage slightly differently is that we feel the balance of power differently in our marriages. I think you, and some other gals that come to mind here on the forum, feel very powerful in your marriages. And you are. You recognize your impact. *You don't need an article telling men to be better men, because the more influential person in your marriage is not your husband. Is that accurate?*


 Ya know...I hesitate to say THIS because I do Feel we are *Equal*... am I the more "take charge" out of the 2 of us.. Yes...but heck.. he IS the Breadwinner... what am I???.... 

It's a personality thing.. this doesn't make him "Weak" though... he is STRONGER over me in MANY WAYS that I am well aware of... and ADMIRE ...he's been a steadfast example to me... 

He's had wonderful influence on me.. in so many ways...he's helped me love myself more, always seen the Best in me... Sometimes I'd loose site of what is REALLY important getting caught up in things, too much worry, this or that.. always there reminding me ..."Life is good!"...that I need to take time to smell the roses... 



> I focus on men becoming better men, because in my marriage, my husband is the critical factor.* I can try to be the best wife and mother I can be, but without his cooperation, my influence is limited.*


 I wonder if most feel their influence is limited... I think it's important to be able to have "influence" on each other (for the good anyway)..... we're half of this union after all.. 

I would not at all like it if I didn't feel I had any, or very little... I know this... 'Influence"..it's not so well defined how this works...one has to be respected & admired to bring it about though.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SA, you know I think Mr.SA is a wonderful, secure man. I have only good things to say about him. 

What I am wondering, more than anything, is why I seem to have a divide with some gals on this issue of who to look to to make the marriage better. When you mentioned that you look to yourself, as opposed to looking at the man, that made me think of what I have heard from some other women.

You know that I do not think that way. My default thinking is of men being responsible for the marriage. With that bottom line, it is probably natural that I would look for articles on how they could be better husbands. 

To me, the husband has more influence on the marriage. If he can improve himself, it is bound to improve the lives of his wife and kids. And improving the lives of women and children is my ultimate goal. Dug says men will always take care of themselves.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> SA, you know I think Mr.SA is a wonderful, secure man. I have only good things to say about him.
> 
> What I am wondering, more than anything, is why I seem to have a divide with some gals on this issue of who to look to to make the marriage better. When you mentioned that you look to yourself, as opposed to looking at the man, that made me think of what I have heard from some other women.
> 
> ...


The marital dynamic you and dug have is very different from most other people. Most other people have, or at least desire a partnership of equals, where as you and dug have what is more aptly described as parent-child where there is very little common ground with the predominant desires most others have in marriage.

You and dug seem perfect for each other, and from the point of view that you guys are successful, and happy, I have to give my kudo's. A lot of people don't find the stability you guys have found. That said, most people, men and women alike, would not function in a marriage to partners such as you and dug. That is not a slam, just recognizing that we are all different.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sam,

That's sort of an interesting viewpoint you have. Mine is based on observing results. 

JLD has a H who totally loves her - who she admires - and 5 children who seem to be doing very well - including one who just got into a highly selective engineering program. 

Does she have child like qualities? You betcha. Those are a plus not a minus. Big difference between child like qualities and childish qualities. 

I find JLD's comments to be perceptive and helpful across the board. Exceptionally so where child rearing, household finances and being a good partner are concerned. 

Anyway - she's clearly bringing out the best in her H, her kids and well - me.....

  




samyeagar said:


> The marital dynamic you and dug have is very different from most other people. Most other people have, or at least desire a partnership of equals, where as you and dug have what is more aptly described as parent-child where there is very little common ground with the predominant desires most others have in marriage.
> 
> You and dug seem perfect for each other, and from the point of view that you guys are successful, and happy, I have to give my kudo's. A lot of people don't find the stability you guys have found. That said, most people, men and women alike, would not function in a marriage to partners such as you and dug. That is not a slam, just recognizing that we are all different.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sargon said:


> I'm maybe 6 out of 15 on that list.
> 
> On a good day.
> 
> What does that make me?


 Self reflection is always good.. do you care.. has the lack caused trouble in your marriage (I have to assume so!)... does your wife nag, complain that she needs more from you, has she slowly shut down emotionally/ physically due to *resentment*, giving up ...trying to accept what IS... maybe she doesn't GIVE much either which has exasperated the issues??

Would you disagree with any of them.. do you feel they are too catering?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Think it's a good list. I claim almost all those traits with the exception of inspiring. Never seen that work

Also the last one ...a good man will stand by you no matter what.....nope some things are automatic deal breakers such as cheating and hurting children.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Reading this list makes me sad....lots of triggers.

It is a good list, and I wish I had read it 26 years ago. I believed Mr. IMFAR's words when we were dating, ignoring the evidence presented by his own life choices up to that time, as well as his actions with me.

After infidelity and a secret porn addiction he is trying to convince me he has changed, and wants our marriage. Although he isn't actively cheating or using porn anymore, I don't see his core changing, and I don't see him being the man on this list, either. Behaviors he had before the bottom fell out of our marriage (the infidelity) trigger me and make me want to run. He says, "I am changing, give me time." The counselor says give him time. He had 26 years...isn't that enough time?

Sigh. I'm printing out the list to let my daughters ponder and hopefully internalize, so they will have more wisdom than I did.

Maybe I'll print it for my son too, so he can have something to aspire to, if he doesn't already see himself as a good man...he didn't have a great example in some areas.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Sigh. I'm printing out the list to let my daughters ponder and hopefully internalize, so they will have more wisdom than I did.
> 
> Maybe I'll print it for my son too, so he can have something to aspire to, if he doesn't already see himself as a good man...he didn't have a great example in some areas.


I Like your username ... hold on to that...you sound like wonderful woman who deserves FAR MORE.... 

As much input and guidance as you can give your children NOW...(may they BE receptive..that's the teen battle)...to spare them from missing














... that could cause much pain & heartache down the road....that's a true Mothers







... 

May they be Wise in dating...know their deal breakers & hold strong ...and BE the sort of person they admire in others.. and would want to be treated as well...

It's a rat race out there today.. Our kids need more guidance, even hope... than ever before.. and shown what healthy relationships look like.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Pretty good as it pertains to how a man treats his woman. Is there a similar list for women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

sargon said:


> I'm divorced. My ex did mention from time to time or all the time that I was emotionally distant. Physically though there were no issues.
> 
> I don't disagree with the list, it's rather comprehensive.
> 
> But way too much work.


Which parts specifically do you feel are too much work?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> Pretty good as it pertains to how a man treats his woman.* Is there a similar list for women?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I took the time to do a "woman's List" I felt was very well balanced, covering many things, for their happiness in marriage, fulfillment .... but apparently it was not very popular here....guess I shouldn't be surprised!...

I know my husband would agree with it all.. didn't get much woman's input.. I did get a few posts out of Samyeagar who always felt MEN get shafted in these articles -which inspired ME to take the time & effort....

Come on ConanHuh....you missed my wondrous list for the men we love and adore ! 







http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ion-our-husbands-shake-up-rock-his-world.html


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks SA!&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So let's say you a good grade on that test. Then what?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I took the time to do a "woman's List" I felt was very well balanced, covering many things, for their happiness in marriage, fulfillment .... but apparently it was not very popular here....*guess I shouldn't be surprised!...
> 
> I* know my husband would agree with it all.. didn't get much woman's input.. I did get a few posts out of Samyeagar who always felt MEN get shafted in these articles -which inspired ME to take the time & effort....
> 
> ...



Lol yeah I can see how that's not going to work at all here


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I took the time to do a "woman's List" I felt was very well balanced, covering many things, for their happiness in marriage, fulfillment .... but apparently it was not very popular here....guess I shouldn't be surprised!...
> 
> I know my husband would agree with it all.. didn't get much woman's input.. I did get a few posts out of Samyeagar who always felt MEN get shafted in these articles -which inspired ME to take the time & effort....
> 
> ...


SA, I think a lot of people miss the Long Term Success in Marriage part of the forum. This is the first time I have seen that post and you always put so much work into them I wish more people had seen it when you made it  Maybe copy and paste it in it's own thread here in the LL too?


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> SA, I think a lot of people miss the Long Term Success in Marriage part of the forum. This is the first time I have seen that post and you always put so much work into them I wish more people had seen it when you made it  Maybe copy and paste it in it's own thread here in the LL too?


This was the first time I saw the thread, too. I think it's lovely, nothing to argue with from my perspective.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> *SA, I think a lot of people miss the Long Term Success in Marriage part of the forum. This is the first time I have seen that post and you always put so much work into them I wish more people had seen it when you made it  Maybe copy and paste it in it's own thread here in the LL too?*





> *RoseAglow said*: *This was the first time I saw the thread, too. I think it's lovely, nothing to argue with from my perspective.*


Awe thank you SCG & RoseAglow  .....Your right... it's not a popular area to click on....I put it over there because I felt that was the Best sub forum, as it wasn't asking for help or opinions really... (though I do so enjoy the countering & story telling to what is relate-able or disagreed with & why)...

It is added in my signature, but I don't always use it - depending on the issue in the thread...some would barf reading that - if they are in the midst of betrayal or the lowest point in their marriage....









It's just the nature of open forums.. we are greatly entertained and drawn to the most controversial & heated threads - I DO get that though.. I like them too !


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I told my husband about your post, and his first reaction was, "I'm sure I didn't meet anything on that list."

Uh, no you won't...EVER, with an attitude like that.

I married a man with such a low self esteem that all these years he has been incapable of realistically assessing himself so he can improve. He gets defensive, and instantly puts me in my place to protect his own vulnerablilty. That is the root of his passive aggressive behavior. It doesn't work anymore. More and more I recognize it when it happens, and am learning to not play the game.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> As much input and guidance as you can give your children NOW...(may they BE receptive..that's the teen battle)...to spare them from missing
> 
> 
> 
> ...


They were very open to the list. They thought that many of the points could also apply to them, as being "Good Women."

We all agreed that the part about "Always supports you" does not mean that anyone can do whatever they want, whenever they want. Everything must be discussed, and agreed upon. The other side of it is that a loving, responsible spouse will not want to do something that is bad for the marriage.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He's had wonderful influence on me.. in so many ways...he's helped me love myself more, always seen the Best in me... Sometimes I'd loose site of what is REALLY important getting caught up in things, too much worry, this or that.. always there reminding me ..."Life is good!"...that I need to take time to smell the roses...
> 
> I wonder if most feel their influence is limited... I think it's important to be able to have "influence" on each other (for the good anyway)..... we're half of this union after all..
> 
> I would not at all like it if I didn't feel I had any, or very little... I know this... 'Influence"..it's not so well defined how this works...one has to be respected & admired to bring it about though.


I love the concept of this type of having influence.

It is non existent in my marriage, however, either from him, or from me.



SimplyAmorous said:


> "One has to be respected & admired to bring it about."


This is they key.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous, I'm copying your quotes to my own thread (leaving your name on them, to give you the credit), so I can have them all in one place to ponder and comment on so as not to hijack your thread, if that is alright with you.

IMFAR


----------



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

So basically live your life for her, do whatever she wants. bail her out on her idiotic ideas.... lie to her... and you wont have any problems. must have been written by a women or a beta


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

quiesedba said:


> So basically live your life for her, do whatever she wants. bail her out on her idiotic ideas.... lie to her... and you wont have any problems. must have been written by a women or a beta


LMAO!!! You need help my friend.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

A good woman shows all these signs too.

Damn, I am so very lucky. My H pings the meter. So do I, come to think. Guess we are both lucky.


----------

