# Grappling with change



## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

Looking for opinions of the subject of outings without spouse. Have been with my wife for 30 years, 28 of which married. She is going through a tough time right now emotionally. I'm hearing about regrets and disappointments often--kind of the half empty analogy. Though we are facing relationship challenges in general, we recently had an issue with a "Girls Night Out." I dropped her and her friends at bar at 7. My daughter was going to pick them up later. At 12, I couldn't sleep and decided to join them and eventually drive the group home. I found my wife stumbling drunk and she was hanging on the brother of one of her friends. It went unmentioned that they were meeting him and his buddy. I was displeased and refrained from comment but my facial expression blew my cover. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Are her actions appropriate?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No, her actions were cheating if not borderline. No one would have been happy if I had stumbled across a similar situation. Have you hashed it out with your wife? Since when did a GNO involve hanging on another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

does she have a history of drinking problems?

how many girl friends went? any of them cheaters? they might be trying to 'help' your wife (find a new guy)

see if she has this guy's number in her phone


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cheating's a bit of a stretch, but your wife's conduct was definitely inappropriate.

My hubby is a pretty chilled man, but he wouldn't be happy about that either. Nor would I if it were reversed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Cheating's a bit of a stretch, but your wife's conduct was definitely inappropriate.
> 
> My hubby is a pretty chilled man, but he wouldn't be happy about that either. Nor would I if it were reversed.


Just curious but it wouldn't be a cheating boundary for you to be hanging all over another man? I did say borderline.

I guarantee me and my wife would consider it betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It was also (apparently) premeditated. I suspect most guys wouldn't be ok with their wives setting up a double date with their friend and two guys...

C


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree Conan and PBear - which is why I said her conduct was inappropriate.

It would absolutely be a boundary violation for hubby and I.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

frusdil said:


> I agree Conan and PBear - which is why I said her conduct was inappropriate.
> 
> It would absolutely be a boundary violation for hubby and I.


Ok, but... Setting up a date with another guy (whether another couple is there or not) seems like it's pretty clearly cheating. Even if they didn't have sex, it's still cheating. IMHO.

C


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

It was a date but no in the conventional sense of dating, she and another hooked up with two guys in a bar for a night of drinks and fun away from you, she is either deliberately or inadvertently setting herself up to jump into bed with another either that night when drunk with lower inhibitions or further along the line because she identifies fun and excitement with him, it would have happened and you'd best confront her about it,
My main questions would be why are you double dating and is this the first time? i doubt if it is and did you go because your gut told you something wasn't right? 
If she is in the glass half full frame of mind she will be comparing you to him, the years of things you done good and things that pissed her off and then him who she just met who is either fun to be with or just gets her, maybe it's just me triggering when i read this but i would tell her to get a grip or go


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Yep, I'd be mighty pissed if I found my wife doing this. 

"hanging on the brother of one of her friends" would get me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey Terribly, you still around or fly away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe Cindy Lauper said it best, "girls just want to have fu-un".

We as a society need to redefine the word "fun" for both men and women, especially married ones.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

If that was the first night out, it sounds like you caught it in time. If not...

Read my mess of a story about change and girls nights out at meat markets. My divorce is final next month. Enough said.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Hey Terribly, you still around or fly away?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably still an escalation of these previous problems, hopefully he wont leave a response as long as in between postings
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/5048-wife-has-punched-out.html#post50516


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PBear said:


> Ok, but... Setting up a date with another guy (whether another couple is there or not) seems like it's pretty clearly cheating. Even if they didn't have sex, it's still cheating. IMHO.
> 
> C


But do we know for sure that's what happened? Do we know that it was a planned thing and they didn't run into them while they were there?

If it was planned, that's absolutely disgusting.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

Draw up the divorce papers..Thats major disrespect...she is basically setting future sex dates with this guy.....

How could you not say anything?....You should have left that Thot where she was standing. You never allow a woman to disrespect you.


First you dont drop off a "wife" at a bar...you just set an appointment for cheating and now youre the chauffer as well. You need to bring the hammer down...Tell her move and pack her bags. NO WAY IN HELL SHOULD YOU ACCEPT THIS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks so much for all of the feedback folks. Wasn't sure what to expect so I was brief and posted just before going into a marathon talk session with my wife. 

Clarification: One of my wife's girlfriends invited her brother and his friend. My wife and the other woman were not so involved in that. Its just that it was sold to me as GNO and when I walked into our kitchen to collect them for the ride, I heard that the guys were meeting them at 9. This particular friend always seems to have a hidden agenda including from my wife's point of view.

That said, this "friend" is aware that my wife is unhappy and that her brother is unhappy in their marriages. So I can't help but sense a little too much facilitation here. 

My wife does tend to drink heavily usually in our home which I am more comfortable with. A strength of or marriage has always been our trust for each other. She has done nothing directly for me to mistrust. However, due to the fragile state of our marriage--her being unsure of her commitment to stay, desiring more time away from me and with her friends, etc. undermines trust as these are signs of bad thing to happen. 

We are stuck in the mud. She has deep resentment and hurt resulting from our first 20 when I took my financial obligation seriously whereby corporate commitments conflicted wit time together as a couple and with the kids. She preferred and I supported her choice to be a stay at home mom. We moved a few times during the first 20 leaving her isolated and feeling alone while I worked and occasionally travelled. 

Though she let me know she was sad and lonely in the early years, I did not appreciate the extent of how much so. Though I was troubled by her sadness I felt, to an extent, that she needed to become more independent in her development as an adult and that my motives were for the good of the family. Over time, my empathy increased and I finally found a way to better meet her needs--or so I thought so. I exited my successful corporate career and bought a small business and located my office in our home at year 18. 

While this allowed me to be more available physically, the business occupied a significant part of my attention whereby I still fell short. Ironically, however, by year 20 she had acclimated to my not being around so much and the new scenario was suffocating her. I asked her to renew her vowels with me at year 20 and she said no. That she didn't feel that way any longer. 

Hence, we are now in year 8 of my desperately trying to re-capture some degree of what we once had. I took down my emotional walls of protection only to find the tables turned. She is bitter and essentially has said "how does it feel? I feel this resentment and hurt is keeping us from moving forward and finding happiness again. I am helpless and unable to tear that wall down--only she can do so. In the mean time she is moving further and further away from me. Pursuing new friends and outside interests. HELP!!!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You posted in 2009 that your wife gave up on you already because you worked too many hours, begun a business, and she felt neglected. She was a stay-at-home mom. Your eldest daughter would be around 23 years old now. How old are you and your wife?

Your situation is definitely not in a good place. You found your wife stumbling drunk and all over another guy. This is supposed to be "Girl's Night Out", which would not include dating guys in a bar. You need a serious talk with your wife about getting drunk and be all over another guy. Your daughter is witnessed to these scenarios, I'm sure. Daughters know their mothers well. End these "Girl's Night Out" events as these include guys and alcohol and will end in additional problems to your marriage, most likely infidelity on her part. This is a bad example to your daughter on how a mother should behave.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like she still has resentment even though you have been trying for years to make it up to her. I'm afraid there isn't anything you can do to get that connection back with her if she isn't interested. I would not put up with her going to bars and being around other men. I also wouldn't put up with her drinking, even if it's at home. Your kids are grown and she probably feels like now its her time to have some fun. Having fun doesn't mean she has to go to the bars.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Listen. You are trying and your wife is being a b1tch. If she is done then she needs to file not start hanging on men at fvcking bars for Christ's sake!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

My wife turned 50 in June which is a major reflection and evaluation milestone. I'm 49. We have both placed increased emphasis on making what time we have left count. Trouble is her definition of that is hanging with her divorced single friends. Mine is recapturing some of the magic we once had and being committed to finishing this life's journey together.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

A pre planned meeting with guys on a girls night out is affair territory her friend has to kicked into the long grass and you need to find out if this unhappily married man has met up with her before, this has forced your hand she either starts putting in the effort like you are and tries to show a little more respect or there is little hope of saving the marriage and you'd as well just having a clean break now and save a lot of heartbreak if she wont


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Is it possible that your wife didn't know these men were going to be there? Has she shown this behavior in the past. Is she going out on a regular basis and having too much to drink or was this a kind of let your hair down night?

Just from the info you have given I think it is nothing to worry about. She got messed up and had a fun night. We do stupid stuff when we have too much to drink and if this is not her norm I do not think you have anything to worry about.

As far as you taking her out and enjoy a good weekend/evening together, at this point in your marriage and with the statements she has made. Support, support, support. Honestly, be her best friend, the big understanding ears. Touch her, kiss her, let her know you understand. Don't push the sex button. She needs to know that you love her and are there for her. 

I think she might just be going thru a tough time and need to know that you are behind her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You two are not on the same page. If she isn't on board, let her go enjoy being a fifty year old divorced woman who gets drunk in bars and hangs on married men. Very attractive...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

I do not believe in any way my wife was in the planning of these guys joining the group. However, I asked during the planning phase was the woman's brother going and there was uncertainty at that point. It wasn't clear until the night of the outing what was up. She has become a heavy drinker having 9 to 12 beers two to three nights a week. At 50, she is still quite attractive and drawls a lot of attention even from younger guys.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She might draw a certain type of guy. Pathetic men for desperate women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP

IMHO, whether or not it was pre-meditated hasn't much to do with the end result, if your wife was all over another guy, it crossed the line - by a mile. No, make that TWO miles.


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

My wife says she hopes it works out but believes it is unlikely. What do I do with that? Sounds like DOA to me. It truly puzzles me as her divorced friends are sad and lonely with no prospect of finding a companion. They tell her "be careful what you wish for." What is the likelihood that at 50 my wife would find and realize a relationship that lasted as long as ours? When I force myself to consider this option, the statistics aren't very positive. I know our chances of getting to the finish line are much better together vs. going alone.


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

she does not pass out from drinking that much and on the night in question she did 3 or 4 shots of vodka as well. Not a pretty site--especially to be at a bar. 

Another clarification: my opening post stated she was hanging on a guy--not all over the guy. shortly after walking in, she hung over is back while he has sitting on a bar stool and gave a cheek to cheek hug. Later, three conversations were going on simultaneously. I was talking to one of her friends at about 2 to 3 feet apart. Her other friend was talking to the buddy at 2 feet apart. My wife was leaning over the bar talking nearly cheek to cheek--a little to intimate for my liking and certainly not what the rest of us were doing re: platonic relationships. I also sense that her and friends, after a visit to the ladies room, concluded that I came out to check on my wife. My wife's action could have been a retaliation? Either way, it sent the wrong message to the guy who may be expecting that kind of attention in the future. There was also another comment that I picked up between them referencing her "eggs being dried up." Though in joking, seemed a bit too personal for a mere acquaintance.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> My wife says she hopes it works out but believes it is unlikely. What do I do with that? Sounds like DOA to me. It truly puzzles me as her divorced friends are sad and lonely with no prospect of finding a companion. They tell her "be careful what you wish for." What is the likelihood that at 50 my wife would find and realize a relationship that lasted as long as ours? When I force myself to consider this option, the statistics aren't very positive. I know our chances of getting to the finish line are much better together vs. going alone.


Does your wife work now? Or is she still a stay at home spouse?

Why do you think your wife want's to stay with you?


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

She is still a stay at home spouse with less to do now that youngest is 13. I think she stays primarily for the youngest, partly fear of the fallout and partly because she cares about me--more like a family member than a husband.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> My wife says she hopes it works out but believes it is unlikely. What do I do with that? Sounds like DOA to me. It truly puzzles me as her divorced friends are sad and lonely with no prospect of finding a companion. They tell her "be careful what you wish for." What is the likelihood that at 50 my wife would find and realize a relationship that lasted as long as ours? When I force myself to consider this option, the statistics aren't very positive. I know our chances of getting to the finish line are much better together vs. going alone.


You sound already beat. You are only 49 years of age. I am a career woman, 56 years old, and the breadwinner for 25 years. Is getting to the finish line with your wife your only hope for the future? I think not. Your chances of getting a wife, who is years younger than you are, is more likely to happen than a woman of 50 years of age getting on with a younger man. We have an office with many divorced women who are at her age who have no luck finding another significant other. 

Your wife seems like she doesn't care whether your marriage survives or not. She tells you "unlikely". You need to face this reality and see a divorce attorney to protect your assets. As she is not working, she might realize that there is no partying in poverty. Her friends will quickly abandon her if she doesn't have any money, as there will be no money for bar hopping. I doubt if her friends will be willing to pay her way.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> She is still a stay at home spouse with less to do now that youngest is 13. I think she stays primarily for the youngest, partly fear of the fallout and partly because she cares about me--more like a family member than a husband.


Okay, so she gets to have a great life, party and get all crap faced drunk...not have a job....

And you can't connect the dots.

YOU ARE AN ATM MACHINE!!

Why would she divorce you. Her working YOU is a lot easier than her actually working..


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how long has your wife drank that much? i have to tell you that she sounds like a borderline alcoholic, on top of that she already has one foot out the door...she has idle time...resentment towards you..when you add all that up she is recipe for getting into trouble....if she does slip into an affair of some sort it will be an exit affair...basically the final straw to get out of the marriage. She needs help and then you both need help ASAP


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

She is non responsive to my concerns about her drinking and smoking. I'm hoping her friends can give her some objective advice. I'm shopping for marriage counseling service--she did agree albeit with a negative attitude. Any advice on what to look for in a counselor?


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

What have you done to try and get that spark back? 
Can you afford to plan a longish romantic getaway and sweep her off her feet or something?
Her drinking and smoking is her way of coping with her feelings and to relax.
If you want to reconnect, you need to get away from all of the things that caused the resentment in the first place.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Toxic single friends and drunk at a bar....

Train coming.

It takes one older washed up player with the formula...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Oh and make ger get a job already... Better yet some training and a better job.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> Ok, but... Setting up a date with another guy (whether another couple is there or not) seems like it's pretty clearly cheating. Even if they didn't have sex, it's still cheating. IMHO.
> 
> C


She didn't set up a date with another guy. It was the brother of one of her friends. She probably didn't even know he was going until he showed up.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Listen. You are trying and your wife is being a b1tch. If she is done then she needs to file not start hanging on men at fvcking bars for Christ's sake!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't sound like he took much notice of her wants or needs for the first 20 years but she is a b1tch for not just swooning as soon as he decides to change. Seems like we have a double set of standards here.

20 years? That's his whole kids growing up where they learnt that daddys job and corporate career were more important to him than they were. I'm not surprised she has a lot of built up resentment.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> It doesn't sound like he took much notice of her wants or needs for the first 20 years but she is a b1tch for not just swooning as soon as he decides to change. Seems like we have a double set of standards here.
> 
> 20 years? That's his whole kids growing up where they learnt that daddys job and corporate career were more important to him than they were. I'm not surprised she has a lot of built up resentment.


He has been trying for 8 years. That aside, yes she is a huge b1tch for not just divorcing him instead of playing 50 year old bar girl.

I say more power to her. But she doesn't get to keep her meal ticket and slink around town.

BTW I don't recall OP going out on her for 20 years going to BNOs and drunkenly schmoozing other women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> Is it possible that your wife didn't know these men were going to be there? Has she shown this behavior in the past. Is she going out on a regular basis and having too much to drink or was this a kind of let your hair down night?
> 
> Just from the info you have given I think it is nothing to worry about. She got messed up and had a fun night. We do stupid stuff when we have too much to drink and if this is not her norm I do not think you have anything to worry about.
> 
> ...


Amazing. Sanity at last on TAM. :smthumbup:


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

We have had alone getaways here and there. Jamaica last spring, Atlantic City this past fall. I just stumbled on a series of articles on resentment and how to overcome it. Think I'm gonna pursue this angle cause we need long term transformation. The quick fixes don't seam to have staying power.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> I do not believe in any way my wife was in the planning of these guys joining the group. However, I asked during the planning phase was the woman's brother going and there was uncertainty at that point. It wasn't clear until the night of the outing what was up. She has become a heavy drinker having 9 to 12 beers two to three nights a week. At 50, she is still quite attractive and drawls a lot of attention even from younger guys.


She said she was uncertain and she probably was. 

However .... that is heck of a lot to drink by any standards, even if it is domestic beer.  

She needs to get the drinking in check asap or she's going to find that 50 comes with health problems she hadn't anticipated.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> We have had alone getaways here and there. Jamaica last spring, Atlantic City this past fall. I just stumbled on a series of articles on resentment and how to overcome it. Think I'm gonna pursue this angle cause we need long term transformation. The quick fixes don't seam to have staying power.


Hope the best for you two. She has to be part of it or you are just beating yourself up. Has she accepted any responsibility for her poor behavior at the "GNO"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> OP
> 
> IMHO, whether or not it was pre-meditated hasn't much to do with the end result, if your wife was all over another guy, it crossed the line - by a mile. No, make that TWO miles.


At 9-12 beers she probably wasn't aware of what she was doing? My guess is that the guy who's arm she was hanging on was pretty embarrassed about it as well, I know I would have been.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Okay, so she gets to have a great life, party and get all crap faced drunk...not have a job....
> 
> And you can't connect the dots.
> 
> ...


But when she was raising the kids he was more interested in being an ATM machine than an active parent so he kind of set the precedent.

Sorry to be harsh here


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> He has been trying for 8 years. That aside, yes she is a huge b1tch for not just divorcing him instead of playing 50 year old bar girl.
> 
> I say more power to her. But she doesn't get to keep her meal ticket and slink around town.
> 
> ...


There are a lot of men on here that don't leave their wives despite being miserable and stay for the kids. I can see their point of view whether or not I agree with it.

20 years is a loooong time to feel like the 2nd, 3rd or worse priority in the life of the person who vowed to love you more than any other. Your self esteem takes a huge hit, and yes it may be insurmountable.

It may be an over assumption but my guess is that there were many "business dinners out' during the corporate career days when she sat home alone. 

I'm not totally on her side. I don't think there is any problem with GNO or letting loose, if the trust isn't there in the first place though that's a whole other issue.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> We have had alone getaways here and there. Jamaica last spring, Atlantic City this past fall. I just stumbled on a series of articles on resentment and how to overcome it. Think I'm gonna pursue this angle cause we need long term transformation. The quick fixes don't seam to have staying power.


I wish you the best.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> There are a lot of men on here that don't leave their wives despite being miserable and stay for the kids. I can see their point of view whether or not I agree with it.
> 
> 20 years is a loooong time to feel like the 2nd, 3rd or worse priority in the life of the person who vowed to love you more than any other. Your self esteem takes a huge hit, and yes it may be insurmountable.
> 
> ...


Slobbering drunk, hanging on men GNOs. Plus her refusal to work on the marriage. Takes two. Right now it is only one. She is behaving abysmally.

OP. Did you go out on your wife and get slobbering drunk being inappropriate with other women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> There are a lot of men on here that don't leave their wives despite being miserable and stay for the kids. I can see their point of view whether or not I agree with it.
> 
> 20 years is a loooong time to feel like the 2nd, 3rd or worse priority in the life of the person who vowed to love you more than any other. Your self esteem takes a huge hit, and yes it may be insurmountable.
> 
> ...


Wonky - I completely respect everyone on here's opinion, but I see her behaviour as completely unacceptable.

IMHO, a slobbering drunk wife hanging on anothr man can result in one of two things. One is jail - for punching HIS lights out. The other is a divorce filing for her acting like a.....let's just say..."not acting like a loving, caring, devoted WIFE".

There are a LOT of mitigating circumstanes - absolutely true, but NONE of them could justify THAT. Counseling could be completely justified. Arguments could, but not THAT.

Even in the darkest, dismal hours of my flame out, there wasn't justification for behavior like that.

Just my opinion....


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> We have had alone getaways here and there. Jamaica last spring, Atlantic City this past fall. I just stumbled on a series of articles on resentment and how to overcome it. Think I'm gonna pursue this angle cause we need long term transformation. The quick fixes don't seam to have staying power.


OP - it is completely admirable to accept YOUR portion of the responsibility, but don't completely lose your SELF in this.

You've mentioned the resentment and such, but at the end of the day, BOTH of your behaviors come to play - not just yours.

Be completely honest with yourself (and NOT just the "how can I make this work") - have you done something to justify what she did? If you have, then get to the business of making it right. If you haven't - don't accept responsibility for other people's shortcomings!! That's how people lose their integrity, their self-worth and ultimately lose themselves...


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

I don't know if judgment is productive on either side of this equation. We are who we are and we feel how we feel. I was not an absentee father whatsoever during the first twenty. I was very active with the kids--soccer coach for 8 years, father daughter dances, playtime in the yard, vacations, amusement parks, etc. I do however, beat myself up over being a father to my third as he came much later after I my energy levels dwindled and my own resentment began to build. My wife's idea of the perfect husband-family life bordered on a Disney fairy tail. If I were born independently wealthy and didn't have to sweat our financial security, I may have had a shot at meeting her vision. 

Rather, she developed as a human being and learned to solve problems on her own and do things for herself. I honestly felt she needed that and she admits that today. While 0 degrees and 358 degrees seems like a huge difference, we are in fact only 2 degrees apart. You don't survive 30 years with huge problems. At the same time you cant let apathy set in either. Hence my quest for quality--don't want to be a bitter 80 year old who hates his wife!


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

answering some of the questions...No she has not accepted any responsibility whatsoever about GNO. Rather I have been judged as a stalker psycho and her friends agree! haha. I may go out with a buddy 1/2 dozen times a year and rarely spend more than 2 hours out. My partying days are behind me and I don't like the cost of feeling crappy and sluggish for a day or two afterwards. I would prefer to reserve all of my partying with my wife. When I go out, it is usually to occupy myself when she is with her girls. It is a shame that we don't have ay couples in our life--mostly divorced single friends. I don't get slobbering drunk and hang on other women though when I do party with her friends they sometimes will hang on me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the two books below immediately. You can download them at Amazon.com.

Ask her if she figures on being a barfly the rest of her life


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> I do not believe in any way my wife was in the planning of these guys joining the group. However, I asked during the planning phase was the woman's brother going and there was uncertainty at that point. It wasn't clear until the night of the outing what was up. She has become a heavy drinker having 9 to 12 beers two to three nights a week. At 50, she is still quite attractive and drawls a lot of attention even from younger guys.


Wow she drinks a lot. If she does want a divorce I would file for custody of your child because you with your wife drinking so much you don't want your child around her when she is drink.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Any improvement?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It was girls night out. How did the brother of the friend end up there? You have every right to be upset. You have every right to have any questions you have answered by your W.


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

Re: Improvement. I'm a slight bit more optimistic. Had some friends on both sides of the equation weigh in. Though her heels remain dug in, her closest friend validated some of my positions. Namely, she is clearly resentful (wife was denying this to me as of Friday), that it will take the two of us working together to overcome problems and that there should not be an ager response each time I calmly express my feelings. Hopefully, she will be more successful in achieving acknowledgment from my wife. In the mean time, I have learned a lot about the components of resentment and now that I understand its origins and how it might be relieved I feel as though I have a fighting chance.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> answering some of the questions...No she has not accepted any responsibility whatsoever about GNO. Rather I have been judged as a stalker psycho and her friends agree! haha. I may go out with a buddy 1/2 dozen times a year and rarely spend more than 2 hours out. My partying days are behind me and I don't like the cost of feeling crappy and sluggish for a day or two afterwards. I would prefer to reserve all of my partying with my wife. When I go out, it is usually to occupy myself when she is with her girls. *It is a shame that we don't have ay couples in our life--mostly divorced single friends. * I don't get slobbering drunk and hang on other women though when I do party with her friends they sometimes will hang on me.


These "friends", do they influence your wife into seeing the single life at age 50+?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She sounds like an alchohlic. You should check into this. She is going to fight not goung out to drink and party and that leads to one night stands and more.

Have you ever asked her if shas had any one night stands? She also has the attitude towards her marriage that she would see as an excuse to cheat.

Has your sex life changed in the last few years? More, less the same?

She and you both need to go to AA. If she won't go, go by yourself.

Have you read mmslp linked below yet?


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

since all of her friends are alone, naturally they want to be out and meeting people. So in that regard, yes her friends are drawling her in that direction at times. At the same time, they have had bad luck/results in the dating scene and advise my wife to be careful what she may be wishing for. 

Chap, my wife hasn't cheated on me. Not to say that it isn't becoming more likely, but not thus far. My post was really referring to a single incident and her going out alone is not a weekly thing. Her and her friends are usually drinking at home. She will not admit to a drinking problem and when I confided to one of her friends about my concern, it went right back to my wife and the friend reinforced that her drinking is ok. Whatever.


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## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

Chap I have not read those books. I don't think the second applies at this point, but the first sounds intriguing. Once we deal with the resentment, perhaps that book may be of use. Thanks


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Her night outs drinking until she feels numb from her problems is not helping and will continue to dig a deeper hole. She must work on herself and find different outlets to help her gain more confidence. As far as that night, she may or may not have known those men would be there but you do have a right to question her about it, you're still married to each other.


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