# When another woman is attracted to your husband?



## LuckyRobyn (Oct 3, 2016)

As above ^^


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Well if I was you I wouldn't have gotten involved with a person who was a few months out of a really bad drug addiction and who is rather insensitive to your legitimate concerns over a potential threat to your relationship who is gone for a good part of time time due to their occupation.

So my advice is very after the fact.

Actually I don't really have any good advice for you now that I've summed up your situation.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you posted before? story sounds very familiar.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'd read this book. Reconnecting: A Self-Coaching Solution to Revive Your Love Life, by Joseph J. Luciani. You don't need the whole book, just enough to recognize your patterns of insecurity and get a grip on them. Poorly handled insecurity can wreck a relationship faster than a flirty (which she is not) or admiring (which she is) co worker. The short version is you are choosing to believe your suspicions without any proof instead of your Husband. How would you feel in his shoes?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

caruso said:


> Well if I was you I wouldn't have gotten involved with a person who was a few months out of a really bad drug addiction and who is rather insensitive to your legitimate concerns over a potential threat to your relationship who is gone for a good part of time time due to their occupation.


 I was thinking the same thing. He is who she married, why is she now surprised that he is who he is? Reminds me of when Sandra Bullock married Jesse James, a guy that she found exciting because of his bad boy reputation, never mind that part of him being a bad boy was that he was a cheater, and how she was later surprised and heartbroken when he turned out to be a bad boy that cheated on her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you want your husband to do about this? How can he make you feel more secure?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

These types of women are everywhere in the music industry.


This is what you married. I could never have anything to do with a professional musician. I don't know how many of them stay faithful to their wives; but it must be a really low percentage.

Sorry you've already got a kid and are now "stuck" with this guy.


Do you have your own source of income? It's good for a woman in your type of situation to never lose her own identity. That's actually good for all women; but especially women married to musicians.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Professional musicians tend to attract a lot of female attention, and the more successful they are, the more this tends to be true. This is generally hard on their marriages.

I don't know what to recommend other than to try to tour with him as much as possible.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Why did you remove the part about your husband being 3 months clean from a serious drug addiction when you first met him?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be the best wife that you can be.

Make sure he never has a 'good' reason to cheat.

I say this with trepidation. There is never a good reason to cheat. Cheating is always wrong.

You know this, We know this......but some shady people trip over their limp-footed morals. 

Gas Lighters need Black Lie Gas. Open the can, let any future lies evaporate. 

A Cheater cannot sail without a Nudging Wind. 

Sheeeeeeeet, wishful thinking........ have run aground.....over, out.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

OP, the instance where he laughs at your concern stuck out to me. You know why? In my experience, the people who laugh at cheating and act like they can/will never do it, they are usually the ones that do it. The ones who know that they are capable of it, they keep good boundaries and they usually never do it. My two cents.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

I agree with emotional conscious, you have need to hire a professional marriage counselor, who can understand your problems and helps you to improve your relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> OP, the instance where he laughs at your concern stuck out to me. You know why? In my experience, the people who laugh at cheating and act like they can/will never do it, they are usually the ones that do it. The ones who know that they are capable of it, they keep good boundaries and they usually never do it. My two cents.


He might have laughed because he doesn't find her in the least bit attractive.

However! Unfortunate things happen with the addition of booze.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Has he ever acted in a way that makes you think you can't trust him, or that he isn't committed to you, your relationship, and family? Many people are in positions where temptation exists, but maintain their integrity. This is his life and career, which you knew when you married him. He either is trustworthy, or you made a mistake. You can't change who he is; you can only watch to see if he is who he says he is. Some people have this idea that they can change or control their spouse, when really, they can't. If they try, they are more likely to create a resentment that could trigger the very problem they want to avoid.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

LuckyRobyn said:


> Hi everyone, I just signed up and hope I am posting this in the right area?
> I'll try cut a long story short with hopes of someone directing me in the right direction with advice.
> 
> 
> ...


Are you touring with him in the band bus or the partners bus?
There is a cultural aspect to that lifestyle which you probably need a good hard look at, and decide whether that is a culture you can accept, or if you're kidding yourself with self deception.


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## LuckyRobyn (Oct 3, 2016)

Thanks guys. 

It's just irritating me that he's not taking my concerns seriously, just laughing claiming he has absolutely no interest but she doesn't seem to be bothered by that when she's falling all over him even when I am there. I understand that musicians always have that thrown at them and honesty it doesn't bother me but she really gets to me. He tells me all the time that he would never hurt me and I know she isn't really his type but she's involved in his passion and gets what he's talking about with music, that deep feeling he gets from it and she has that too that they talk about and I get jealous about it. I know it's insecurity but this bothers me!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

LuckyRobyn said:


> Hi everyone, I just signed up and hope I am posting this in the right area?
> I'll try cut a long story short with hopes of someone directing me in the right direction with advice.
> 
> 
> ...


So my advice is going to be different than other peoples. You married this man in this line of work. He married you. Insulation from life is not protection. It is fear. I mean smack her a couple of times if you want to. A solid right hook would be fine. But trust your husband. Love your husband.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like you have "a gut feeling" that this other woman is after your husband. I would suggest you have an open and frank discussion with your husband about her and your concerns. Maybe if he saw that you were worried, he would deliberately distance himself from her some more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does he travel with the group? He is on a bus? Does he drive his own vehicle?

How often is he home? Does she live in the same general area where you live?


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## LuckyRobyn (Oct 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How does he travel with the group? He is on a bus? Does he drive his own vehicle?
> 
> How often is he home? Does she live in the same general area where you live?




He travels with the band on a bus but her group are by car. 

Thankfully no. We live in New York and she lives in Minessota


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> OP, the instance where he laughs at your concern stuck out to me. You know why? In my experience, the people who laugh at cheating and act like they can/will never do it, they are usually the ones that do it. The ones who know that they are capable of it, they keep good boundaries and they usually never do it. My two cents.


Yes, the laughs, the shrug-offs, the weak response, the non-acknowledgement of your [very legitimate] concerns show me a man who loves the attention he is getting.

Another selfish,vain, Shallow-Hal........not HAL from 2001, A Space Odyssey. That silicon-head AI was more tuned in than your husband, Eh?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> So my advice is going to be different than other peoples. You married this man in this line of work. He married you. Insulation from life is not protection. It is fear*. I mean smack her a couple of times if you want to. A solid right hook would be fine.* But trust your husband. Love your husband.


Sure, that would feel great, to just wale on this b.tches azz.

But then OP gets an assault charge against her, see? It's technically legal to seduce someones husband. But it's illegal to retaliate against someone whose trying to f,ck your husband.

Besides, in the music biz, there'll just be some other skank coming along eventually, trying to get in his pants.


I feel for you (un)LuckyRobyn; it's gotta be the pits being married to a musician. You love him, you're crazy about him; but so are dozens (or hundreds, or thousands) of other women.

Very hard situation to be in.:frown2:


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You H should be concerned about this because you are concerned and not act as though since he thinks it's no big deal you shouldn't either. You let him know that this really hurts you and you expect his support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she is hanging all over your husband when you are there, something is very wrong. He is not protecting you as he should be. 

You need to tell him what you need from him. One is that he needs to tell this woman to back off and to show you some respect. He needs to tell her to keep her hands off him not hang all over him. The very fact that he has not drawn that line is very concerning. If she does that when you are around. How does she behave when you are not around.

I would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when they are on the road and you are not there.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when they are on the road and you are not there.


I suspect it would be devastating. Tour buses are rolling dens of iniquity. It's mind-boggling the stuff that goes on.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I suspect it would be devastating. Tour buses are rolling dens of iniquity. It's mind-boggling the stuff that goes on.


This calls for a penis VAR!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kick her ass. If not that, then you need to have a come to Jesus conversation with her. 

He needs to take your concern seriously...he shouldn't be interacting with her at all, and especially should not be allowing her to touch him.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If she is hanging all over your husband when you are there, something is very wrong. He is not protecting you as he should be.
> 
> You need to tell him what you need from him. One is that he needs to tell this woman to back off and to show you some respect. He needs to tell her to keep her hands off him not hang all over him. The very fact that he has not drawn that line is very concerning. If she does that when you are around. How does she behave when you are not around.
> 
> I would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when they are on the road and you are not there.


You need to research more about band tour culture.
Drop the denial and WASP housewife fantasies.

Then you will be able to properly communicate the things I'm politely not saying.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

LuckyRobyn said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> It's just irritating me that he's not taking my concerns seriously, just laughing claiming he has absolutely no interest but she doesn't seem to be bothered by that when she's falling all over him even when I am there. I understand that musicians always have that thrown at them and honesty it doesn't bother me but she really gets to me. He tells me all the time that he would never hurt me and I know she isn't really his type but she's involved in his passion and gets what he's talking about with music, that deep feeling he gets from it and she has that too that they talk about and I get jealous about it. I know it's insecurity but this bothers me!


That is the culture.
That is the image.
That is the world he's told to expect, that is the world that the promoters create for them, that is the wild side that makes them so "wow".
It is *not* white picket fence land, white picket fence land does NOT come with groupies.

You're talking like some cornstalk going to Hollywood parties and downing the white pills that "everyone else" is doing then whining about it in the morning.

What would you be doing if you were band chasing, different city where no-one knows you and no history is recorded, and you were partying hard with the band....what would you be expecting? (date and dinner? I think NOT! ... that's stuff you get from a "nice boy" your mother approves of). You chase your band and get on the wild side, to be part of the live now scene!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> You need to research more about band tour culture.
> Drop the denial and WASP housewife fantasies.
> 
> Then you will be able to properly communicate the things I'm politely not saying.


I suppose the good thing is, this other woman probably just wants the guy to use her for sex so she can brag to her friends, and really doesn't have any interest is having a relationship with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

spotthedeaddog said:


> You need to research more about band tour culture.
> Drop the denial and WASP housewife fantasies.
> 
> Then you will be able to properly communicate the things I'm politely not saying.


Are you talking to me here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I suppose the good thing is, this other woman probably just wants the guy to use her for sex so she can brag to her friends, and really doesn't have any interest is having a relationship with him.


It sounds to me like the other woman is another musician, not a groupie.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He might have laughed because he doesn't find her in the least bit attractive.
> 
> However! Unfortunate things happen with the addition of booze.


I think he would have given an are-you-mad look if he didn't find her attractive. But that doesn't matter. One thing I've learned is that attraction can grow. The girl I fell for the most I wasn't interested in at all our first few encounters. Slowly talking and casual interactions turned to flirting.

I'm not saying your husband is cheating scum, OP. Many people who enter affairs don't intend to do so in the initial phases. It's just a slippery slope you find yourself going down. By the time you realise you should stop you have already gained too much momentum.

Go with your gut. In my reading of these online forums, people who don't have a history of irrational jealousy when they start to suspect an affair they are right 90% of the time.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> *I suppose the good thing is*, this other woman probably just wants the guy to use her for sex so she can brag to her friends, and really doesn't have any interest is having a relationship with him.



It's pretty bad when the above is the "good thing" :frown2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The insecurity is not the problem. Your reactions to the insecurity are the problem. Read the book. 

But there is one thing your husband should be doing that he isn't doing. He needs to create distance between him and her. It's not hard to do. Walking away from conversations, changing the subject, talking about you in very positive terms. And openly searching for a different opening act. Especially that one.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If she is hanging all over your husband when you are there, something is very wrong. He is not protecting you as he should be.
> 
> You need to tell him what you need from him. One is that he needs to tell this woman to back off and to show you some respect. He needs to tell her to keep her hands off him not hang all over him. The very fact that he has not drawn that line is very concerning. If she does that when you are around. How does she behave when you are not around.
> 
> I would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when they are on the road and you are not there.


I did not realize she was pawing him. I agree.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've often found that people in general don't develop crushes without some encouragement. For her to say ''I'd snap him up if he wasn't taken'' or whatever...that tells me that they talk too much and she has really gotten to know him. That's her fault for thinking of a married man this way, but his fault for allowing her to get too close. Just my intuition, I might be wrong, but unless you're a teenager having a crush on a celeb or something, real life situations like this, don't just happen without encouragement. Not saying OP that your husband encourages it, but sounds like he doesn't have proper boundaries with this woman. 

I'm always amazed at how many single women and men get off on flirting with married people.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would your H feel if the roles were reversed? 

If some guy was hanging all over you in front of him?

Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed?

Tell him to treat you the way he would like to be treated.


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