# Made the wrong choice



## Joe94429 (Aug 28, 2013)

Hi guys, This is my first time posting on this site and I really wanted to see what everyone thought of my situation. My Wife and I have been together for 7 years but only married for 2 years. We are both 28 and have jobs with opposite hours, she works in the morning and I work almost always during the night.
We have been a on again off again couple, breaking up twice for 3-4 months at a time, but the last 4 years have mostly been great... or so I thought. 
About a month before we were to be married I met someone, and lightning struck like I have never felt before!!! We were an instant match and became incredible friends in no time at all, I very quickly realized that I was in love with this woman but decided it was just puppy love or me having the jitters before getting married. So we got married and life was great but the more I hung out with the other girl my feelings continued to grow (we worked together so not hanging out was not really an option). I thought maybe if the two of them were friends it would change the dynamic but my wife didn't seem interested and doesn't like hanging out with anyone but me for the most part so that was a bust.

Eventually it got so bad for me that I decided to quit my job and find another... but believe it or not we realized that we lived 5 minutes from each other and kept finding each other in the same bars when we went out individually or to meet friends. Eventually we broke down and confessed our feelings for each other and it was amazing to learn that she felt the same way I did, our bond grew stronger and we started hangout out more often for lunch and drinks as often as possible, we even went as far as to send each other what was probably a hundred or more texts a day, some sexual in nature but mostly just inside jokes and talking. 

This went on for several months and started interfering with my life at home, I found that my connection with my wife was not nearly as strong as I thought it was and some previous worries about our marriage were now strong in my mind, we were previously worried that she might not be able to have children and after we were engaged she was diagnosed with an illness which has unfortunately changed a large portion of our lives and could be passed to our children if we are able to have any.

This has gone on for months and my friend (lets call her Erin ) has asked me to get divorced so we could be together, it took a long time but I decided that my life would be happier with Erin than with my wife, and I was lying to her anyway by having an emotional affair anyway so why should I keep her in this relationship. 

I tried to divorce my wife but she says I'm quitting too easily and that our vows should be stronger than that, I have to admit she is right that our vows are supposed to be a true promise to each other but I guess I just thought that divorce existed because we sometimes make mistakes. I decided to stay and see if we can work on our relationship and if I can feel for her like I feel for Erin. I had to say goodbye to Erin obviously, we haven't seen each other, texted, emailed or called for over a month now. It broke Erin's heart having to say goodbye and mine too, I wake up everyday with a sick feeling, thinking that maybe one day she will get married and I wont be able to ever get her back! The thought of her with another man makes my mind scream, I know its only been a month but will these feelings fade? My wife and I are trying to spend more time together and to open up emotionally to each other, but I don't know if I want it to work out. 

Sorry, I'm sure that was a lot to read and its mostly me rambling on and complaining about having the love of two amazing women, poor me right haha. I'm just trying to do the right thing because neither one of these women did anything wrong, am I quitting my marriage too early or should I try for what I think will be a better life? 

Thanks for your comments, everyone on this site seems very nice and genuinely helpful.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You should post this in the Coping with Infidelity section. You might take some heat but if you are here to try to save your marriage, that is the place to seek answers.

Good luck.


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## Joe94429 (Aug 28, 2013)

Thanks Anon, I'll try and move it there now


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Does your W know about your A? Did you give her any reason when you told her you wanted to D? If you haven't already, maybe you should come clean about this OW. This can be the make it or break it for your relationship. It seems as if you already resent staying with your W, so maybe you're better off just going for D.

I hate saying that. Honestly. I think everyone should give their M a fair chance. But if I was in your W's shoes, I'd rather know what was going on. Even though you've gone NC with the OW, you're still wrapped up in her, and displaying emotions that you should only feel for your W (worrying about her being with someone else, etc).

What do YOU want? Have you given your M a fair chance, or just spent all of your time convincing yourself that this OW makes you happier? Do you REALLY think you'll be better off with her? Can you make your relationship work with her knowing that you divorced your wife because of her?

And you're right, neither of the women did anything wrong (well, except for OW allowing herself to get involved with a married man..). Are you quitting your marriage too early? Short answer, yes. If you truly want to try making your M work, you have to give it a chance, and let go of the OW.


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## Joe94429 (Aug 28, 2013)

No she doesn't know about the OW, honestly it felt like admitting to that would be more to get rid my guilt and crush her at the same time. That's why when I decided I couldn't leave just yet, sent the OW a text saying that it is over and we cant talk again. I don't resent my wife, if anything I love her for fighting against the divorce and showing such passion for wanting to make it work. We have been taking it slow, lots of talking, having date nights like we used to. Its tough because we spend so much time alone that it is easy for my mind to wander and wonder at what could have been. Im hoping these feelings fade and I really want to feel like I used to feel for her. If anything maybe just writing some stuff on here will help since I cant talk to anyone I know about the OW


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Joe94429 said:


> No she doesn't know about the OW, honestly it felt like admitting to that would be more to get rid my guilt and crush her at the same time. That's why when I decided I couldn't leave just yet, sent the OW a text saying that it is over and we cant talk again. I don't resent my wife, if anything I love her for fighting against the divorce and showing such passion for wanting to make it work. We have been taking it slow, lots of talking, having date nights like we used to. Its tough because we spend so much time alone that it is easy for my mind to wander and wonder at what could have been. Im hoping these feelings fade and I really want to feel like I used to feel for her. If anything maybe just writing some stuff on here will help since I cant talk to anyone I know about the OW


Well it sounds like you're off to a good start, but it feels wrong that there's no honesty. I don't think you telling her would be about your guilt, or hurting her. It would be a chance to look at your M, while both of you have all of the facts.

Telling her is a personal choice, of course. I think in time, your feelings for OW will fade if you continue NC with her. You obviously still feel for your wife, protecting her feelings and staying to try and work through things.

My H feels like he is no longer committed. I think it's normal for everyone at some point to question whether or not they are with the right person...But in my opinion, if you married them, you obviously know there is something special there. It's up to you to decide if that "special something" is still there, and if it's enough.

I have a lot of respect for you for working with your wife, regardless of the back story. I've seen many of my male friends fly off the handle, act on impulse, leave their W, and regret it soon after. So kudos to you for trying!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Ugh...

No kudos. 

Having two women vying for you're love and affection is not enviable when one is your wife and the other is not. 

Your marriage and your wife are not getting a fair chance when there's a third party involved. 

Sheesh.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The disease sounds serious? How will it affect your wife's life expectancy/quality?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Your a cheating SOB... Dont sugar coat it! 

~sammy


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