# Fiancee watching porn behind my back



## kat_ann (Sep 24, 2009)

Hi there,

I have a question for the men (and women if they'd like) to answer. Me and my guy have been together for 5 years and have 2 kids, we're still in our 20's. He has always told me that sex didn't matter to him and that he didn't have any porn. Last week I came across all of these websites he was visiting and this really hurt me. I brought it up and he said that it was because he didn't want to dissappoint me, that he just wanted to get it over with. But if you felt you were disppointing someone wouldn't you try to figure out what she wants so she isn't disappointed?? I like to talk about sex and he didn't for a long time, we've finally got over that hump a little bit. We recently had our second child 5 months ago and so I felt like he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I know he is. I really think sex/intimacy are a major part of a relationship. I just don't think he really knows how to get a woman off. It's also hard when I'm the one initiating things and trying new things and he doesn't ever think of something to do. Thanks for your help!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Many women have a problem with their man looking at porn. He probably felt you might not approve so he kept it on the down-low. I don't think this is uncommon...akin to guys hanging out and commenting on a good looking woman where if their other half were there they wouldn't say anything. So, it's to prevent you from being hurt, but now that the cat's out of the bag it's best you talk through it...I'd cut him some slack on this one, but if it makes you feel hurt, betrayed, insecure, etc. let him know why you have an issue with it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This one comes up a lot.

There are two courses you can pursue: 

Feeling betrayed, lied to, hurt and rejected. Insist that he has done incredible damage to your relationship and will have to work very hard to regain your trust and respect.

This is relatively counterproductive if he was using pornography because he was already feeling detached from you

Or ...

Take a deeper look at the nature of your relationship to determine _why_ he looks at pornography and chose to lie to you about it. It isn't about assigning blame, either yours or his - nor is it about giving him a free pass. It's about finding a resolution that both of you feel good about and can strengthen your bond.

The benefit of choosing this route, is that if you determine that his reasons are that he doesn't find you sexually attractive, or he has been a closet porn addict all along, that you can then fall back to option 1.

You will get a mixed bag of responses to this question. Porn has destroyed marriages, plenty of folks have experienced that first-hand. But, there are other couples here that have integrated the use of pornography to enhance their sexual relationship. And others still, who's spouses are openly aware of their partners use of pornography and don't feel threatened by it.

Similarly, there are 2 primary reasons (as evidenced on these boards) that men will use pornography:

1. They don't feel fulfilled in their sex life, but love their wives and use it as a release. 
2. They don't feel fulfilled in their sex life, and no longer feel sexually attracted to their spouse.


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## mea_3 (Sep 13, 2009)

Lizzie60;89502
Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7..[/QUOTE said:


> My thoughts exactly!


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## elattoo (Jul 4, 2009)

[Lizzie60: Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7...]

Letting your kids play with matches is not threatening unless they do it 24/7. 

Unless you are both into it, which I gather you are not, then a porn addiction can and most likely will destroy your marriage. Deejo is right, he almost certainly still loves you. Porn is an escape and a release. Unfortunately, it's not harmless in that, like other forms of addiction, it leads its victim down a path of needing more and more. Ultimately, it opens the door to unfaithfulness, or at least a growing apathy about your marriage. This is not a commentary on your husband...obviously, I don't know him. However, in general, this is the end result.

For his own benefit and yours, he should seek help. There are programs like Covenant Eyes that you can install that will hold him accountable (to a trusted buddy, not necessarily to you). It is a tough battle, and you shouldn't expect perfection. Your love will grow deeper as a result of your journeying through this together.

Kevin
Refining Marriage


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

When I was younger, I use to like to go to strip clubs with my buddies. 

I looked forward to each bachelor party and even just Friday nights with the guys.

As I have gotten older, going to such places has become disrespectful to women.

Even if women are in charge in those places, they have the real power.

But, I began to blur women inside and outside as the same. 

I saw everyday women as people I could offer money to for a lap dance or just stare at women at work and think I could I get her to strip for me?

Same can be said for PORN. 

No way to separate the two. 

You begin thinking women in real life are the same, do anything, abuse them, humiliate them, use them then discard them.

This is the same reasoning why beer commercials use scantly dressed women to sell beer.

This is the reason, beer sells.

This is the reason porn convinces you it is OK to treat women in any degrading fashion you want and they all like what you want to do to them.

Imagine your daughter doing that for a living, is it ok?

No man would ever say to his daughter, "sweetie, don't you want to be a porn star when you get older?"

No little girl is sitting at home in front of a mirror and saying, "When I grow up, I want to do sex with multiple men on camera for men to masturbate to, I'm going to be a star!"

You think about it next time when you say, "No Harm, No Foul, it's okay to watch porn"


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lizzie,
It sounds like he told her sex wasn't important to him because he was starving her of sex. My view on porn is that if it replaces real sex with your very real wife it is very toxic to the relationship. 


I don't think this is his overflow valve, I think porn is his primary/almost exclusive sexual activity if I am reading her post correctly.








Lizzie60 said:


> Men are like kids.. if they know the truth will put them in deep shyt.. they either lie about it.. or hide to do their deed
> 
> Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7..


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

MEM.. I re-read her post.. and I still didn't get that he is on porn sites ALL the time.. that it is his main way to get off.. but I could be wrong.. 

We only have one side here.. so it's hard to really figure out what is happening..

Maybe he got on porn sites because of the lack of sex while they had the babies.. and liked it.. and got hooked... 

I find that porn is very threatening for women.. and it shouldn't be.. I see it as entertainment.. unless.. like I said, he passes all his time on it.. then she needs to roll a newspaper..and smack him across the head with it..


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

Outinthecold... I happen to think differently..

I think that sexuality is power for women.. 

God or 'whoever' ... gave men physical strength and gave women sexuality.. those are our 'forces'..

It is easy to control men with it.. so I don't see why women shouldn't embrace it and allow themselves to be empowered by their sexuality.. 

But... like you, most people think that women are getting used by sex... I think it's the opposite.. We use men... 

Just imagine a couple.. the wife wants something, for example, she wants to go out, to a movie, he hates cinema... but she's being flirty with him.. meeoooowww... he knows dam well that if he wants sex that night.. he better go.. so he goes.. not really to please her.. but to get sex.. 

Who's using who.. with sex..


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Lizzie, I agree women have power.

How you choose to use it?

Does society tell you to bat your eyes, show cleavage, to get what you want?

Is that a learned thing.

Can we never actually be equal in a relationship of mutual respect for each other's opinions.

What does that tell you about a relationship based on "Are you going to get some or not whether we go to the movie you want to go to"

What kind of a relationship is that?

What happens when all that sexuality leaves? who decides on what movie you are going to see?


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## undecidedjen (Jun 26, 2009)

I knowthese days it seems politicaly correct to say its ok to look at porn as long as your not hurting anyone else. Or its ok to look. My husband has looked at it on the computer for over 10 years that I know of. I am not ok with it. I have been married for almost 26 years.Im about ready to leave. The porn has been a source of alot of the problems. I decided in the last year or so that I would please him so much sexually that he would not want to look at it anymore. Wrong. The more I pleased him unselfishly, the more selfish he became. I also have two daughters 18 and 19. It kinda creeps me out to know that he is looking at girls that look the same age as my daughters. He will not discuss this habit with me. It seems to me there is nothing good that comes from viewing porn. At least in my experience.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

elattoo said:


> [Lizzie60: Just relax.. porn is not threatening unless he watches it 24/7...]
> 
> Letting your kids play with matches is not threatening unless they do it 24/7.
> 
> ...


I agree entirely with this poster...If he needs to find out some ways to make love, pick up the book "Satisfaction" by Kim Cattrall and Mark Levinson...It is a very tastefully illustrated book on making love...It shows in detail, all the ways to stimulate a woman...I left it at the coffee pot one morning as my husband was missing a certain place that I had pointed out and he just didn't get it...I had that page open...When he woke me up naked in bed the next morning, he showed me that he had read it well....

Try to get him away from Porn....Unless you both enjoy it, it can be a marriage breaker....


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## kat_ann (Sep 24, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your posts and guidance. We have talked about it and have come to the consensus that our sex life needs some reworking. We communicate pretty well with each other so I am hoping that it will stop for good. 

I agree that it's not bad for a couple to watch to get turned on, somtimes. I believe it does set an unrealistic idea in a man's mind of what a woman will do or what she should look like. 

Thanks everyone for helping out!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Another satisfied customer ...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I love it when my wife gives me lap dances.


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## NSWANIGAN (Oct 11, 2009)

My husband is a christian and preaches all the time. But at times, I will catch him watching porn (either online or DVD). It feels a little contradicting me to. If you only knew how he preaches about GOD, you would see what I'm talking about.

About the DVDs, I threw them away. Personally I wouldn't have a problem but its a problem when he is not giving me the attention I need. Come home from work, take a shower, wait until we are all asleep and watch his video. I got very upset about that

If he was giving me what I needed...I wouldn't careless about him watching porn because I would know that he is still attracted to me and I am always first.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, my H watched porn behind my back (we'd watched together - but this was like his 'secret'). And years later - he's had 2 affairs that I know of. A secret involving sex - whether mental or physical is cheating. And from my experience his secret with porn should have been a signal to me that he's the kind of guy that will cross lines to meet his sexual desires - behind my back. I always say it...trust your gut. I knew there was something to worry about back then - 12 years ago. And now that, plus 2 (?+?) affairs later I wish I listened to myself. What I would have done - I can't begin to answer - and it doesn't matter, can't change it. My point is that a he committed sex related secret - and he might do it again to a greater degree. trust yourself.


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## 1newlife (Dec 18, 2009)

This Problem which is very widespread in lots relationships points to the differences between the sexes, why is it that men have stronger urges than women, as a male in a long term relationship with 3 kids you can only be rejected so many times before you look to satisfy your urges some other way, perhaps more understanding and certainly discussion between partners may help but the underlying differences still everwhelm to entire situation, do you have a suggestion on how this can be balanced better between the sexes?


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

1newlife said:


> This Problem which is very widespread in lots relationships points to the differences between the sexes, why is it that men have stronger urges than women, as a male in a long term relationship with 3 kids you can only be rejected so many times before you look to satisfy your urges some other way, perhaps more understanding and certainly discussion between partners may help but the underlying differences still everwhelm to entire situation, do you have a suggestion on how this can be balanced better between the sexes?


Men DO NOT have stronger urges than women. There are two factors involved.

One - offer and request. For decently pretty women, if they go out they can have just about any single man they want sexually so it's more of a sure thing. For most men, it is hard to know whether a woman will say yes or no (in the case of singles) so they have to 'hunt' be patient, take rejection etc. Also, in marriages, there have been plenty of wives denying sex for sometimes really silly reasons. Hence, the more men don't get it, the more they want it. 

The more valuable and hard to get something is, the more you want it. The more you want it, the more your body gets used to want it and your hormones provoke that horny sexualized feeling. Like with chocolate. If you have chocolate on the table you're ok and don't think about it that much. If you don't...you crave it and would run to the store for some. 

This is not a 100% rule but the general idea to how things work. In a sexless marriage where the man doesn't want sex, shockingly, the woman appears to have an out of this earth sex drive and want to hump all day. This is why. 

Second part is - women have been stoned, killed, humiliated and dis-respected for a LOT of years in our history for admitting their sexuality is strong. Little girls actually are taught from early ages how NOT to be W****s. Sometimes that also includes bj's or even enjoying sex at all depending on their parents. Are you really surprised that they learn to hide their sexuality for the rest of their lives?

Balancing comes when both find sex enjoyable, both realize their spouse is not that easy to get whenever the hell they want, and they don't take their resentment into the bedroom. 

Porn in my opinion is not so bad as they make it out to be.I doubt there are many happily married guys who don't watch porn from time to time, as happy as they may be with their wives. 

They at least ocassionally think along the lines of 'hmm..she's busy with the kids and i'd kinda get off...lemme put some porn off and i'll be done in 10 minutes'. So do some women for that matter (again, a significantly lower number because when a woman sees a porn actress and how free and ****ty she is, that brings back all that she has been told throughout her life about nice women don't do that kinda stuff, and her brain says, no, this is not right, it's disgusting and perverted). 

Problem comes from when the guy only watches porn and never gets into sex with the wife. At this point it means something is definately wrong. And in my opinion the wife shouldn't blame it on the porn, or be so interested in the actual porn. She should try figure out what the hell he's missing. 

As to the OP who said something about having 18 and 19 year old daughters, not all people who watch porn imagine their in the movie or actually take into account age or anything. I personally just stare blankly at the screen, get arroused by the idea and picture of sex and the friction and that's about it. To be honest sometimes i don't even notice or remember exactly what the actors looked like.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I use porn all the time to get off but I do so because as a man I crave visual stimulation when I take care of myself. My wife has found it on my computer a few times and hasn't been happy about it; says it's disgusting. She knows I use it and has asked me several times if I 'have a problem' with it, i.e. addicted to porn. I've explained to her that I use it to get off when I masterbate sometimes and I want that stimulation and I only do it because I want a LOT more sex then she wants to have and is willing to give me; also I let her know that because I take care of myself I don't have to constantly be bugging her about more sex. 

I'm more then happy to give it up but she has to be willing to step up a little bit and frankly put out more. I resent the fact that she has issues with me looking at porn when she knows I would rather look at her (and be with her) any day, any time. And it watching porn doesn't make me have any ideas about what she should look like, my wife is seriously HOT (much more then any porn star). And it doesn't raise unrealistic expectations about the things she should do sexually. I do wish there were other things she would do (like more BJs & swallow when giving head or expand the number of sex positions we use to more then 2) but that has nothing to do with the porn I watch, there's nothing freaky I want to do.


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## going_crazy (May 26, 2009)

I don't think the "kid playing with matches" is a fitting analogy in this instance. He is your husband, he is not a child. In my opinion, unless he is actually addicted, it is not necessarily harmful to your relationship. That is of course for the two of you to determine, but honestly, I don't see how he is betraying you. 

A better analogy might be that, it is not really financially damaging for him to buy a $2 scratch-off lotto ticket every now and again for fun, but if he had a serious gambling problem, it is very likely to destroy your marriage and your financial stability. 

Are you against him masturbating at all, or only while looking at porn? Are you against him masturbating while thinking about porn? Men are very visual, and sometimes we just want to see some boobs and get off, and a majority of the time, sex is not an option. 

I didn't really get from the original post if he has gone off sex with you or if he is looking at porn in addition to your normal sexual activity, but it is possible that he would like sex more often then you do, or that it is not feasible given your schedules and daily stresses. Some men(myself included) can get very frustrated when we have built up sexual desire and stress and everything else and no way to release it. It is really hard to deal with. It makes you want to pull your hair out and punch a hole in the wall, but you can't do that. 

But if he has gone off sex with you to look at porn, or seems less interested with you, or shows signs of being addicted, I seriously recommend having a talk with him and possibly seeing a councilor. 

If it is just a once or twice a week thing, and he is still active in your relationship sexually just like before, then I would maybe try talking to him about if he feels like his needs are being met, and maybe working some porn into the bedroom and making it a couples activity instead of something he feels he has to do in secret by himself. That is if you are comfortable watching porn/watching with him.


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## Holding Pattern (Dec 31, 2009)

outinthecold said:


> When I was younger, I use to like to go to strip clubs with my buddies.
> 
> I looked forward to each bachelor party and even just Friday nights with the guys.
> 
> ...



As a guy - I agree. I could not have said it any better.


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## hurtandhopeless (Jan 3, 2010)

In my experience...porn prohibits men from interacting sexually with their partner. Men view porn and masturbate. They do not have to be concerned about pleasing their partner. So...here lies the problem... When they do have a sexual encounter with their partner...there is no love. I have agreed to watch porn with my husband. We are adventurous in the bedroom. But this was not enough....he has an addiction. This is detrimental to a marriage.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

hurtandhopeless said:


> In my experience...porn prohibits men from interacting sexually with their partner. Men view porn and masturbate. They do not have to be concerned about pleasing their partner. So...here lies the problem... When they do have a sexual encounter with their partner...there is no love. I have agreed to watch porn with my husband. We are adventurous in the bedroom. But this was not enough....he has an addiction. This is detrimental to a marriage.


My opinion (as a woman):

People (notice how i didn't diferentiate based on gender because it's not the case) masturbate since very early ages. Some use porn to do it, others fantasiez, others just close their eyes and do it mechanically etc. This starts years before the person gets married. Usually anywhere between the age of 7 and 12-13. (at least for my generation - i'm in my 20's).

Now, first of all, why do all of you assume that once a person is married and sexually satisfied they should give up masturbation? Secondly...why exactly is porn so bad?Some people don't even fantasize about having sex with someone else (if not most) when watching porn, they just stare at boobs, butts, penises, the friction and get arroused naturally. It's a more than normal behaviour for all people married or not. If you stop to think about it, masturbating without porn might be even worse because then they are definately fantasizing about having sex with someone else :rofl:


People watching porn and masturbating, as well as having a normal sex life with their spouses, are just fine. Completely normal with no problem at all. 

People watching porn and masturbating pretty often, with no sex with their partner..have an unsatisfying partner...for some reason. Again, works for both genders. 

And don't kid yourselves that suddenly the man looked at porn stars and just now he realized how they are better looking than the wife. He's been doing that for ages. He's* not *just realized now! He was probably masturbating and watching porn when you had an active fulfilling sexlife too. The reason why you aren't having sex has nothing to do with porn. 

Most men that utter the words 'want wife to be more adventurous' according to multiple surveys mean 'i'd like her to be more full of life, enthusiastic during sex, more youthfull as attitude, more playful, less stuck up and worried about the way her body looks, less disgusted by oral sex, by the way i look, by the way she looks etc'. Very few of them are really thinking of anal or sex with transvestites or threesoms or sex on bridges . To sustain that arguement, read mike1's post from above.


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

KAT ANN...welcome to the world of men...or "pigs" as we are so often referred to. Stay calm....this is normal. Most women will react violently...as you did. I do not for one moment say that I blame you..or that porn is good. The fact is that most men from about 16 to 89 (that can still see) have in their tiny brains, a sector called NUDE/NAKED. Men are visual - they want to see the goods. Women (I stand corrected) are emotionally wired. We want the light on - you want it off. A 50 year old man does not expect his 50 year old wife to look like SEXY SUZZIE. Women think that their men don't love them - crap. We don't love the porn stars, we just look, get worked up. Are you PRIM AND PROPER JANE? Look at the type of porn your man looks at. If he's into children, animal, etc. I'd be concerned. If it's more than 3 hours a week...I'd be concerned.


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## localhost (Mar 9, 2010)

I find myself surprised and shocked at how many men think any part of a pornographic film is real at all.

The men and women in the films are paid actors and actresses. When the women are screaming and enjoying it, as soon as they say cut, the woman is quiet, goes off scene to smoke a cigarette, picks up her phone and texts, or whatever.

That's one reason why I don't watch porn, it's completely fake and is just a money-making entertainment industry. People spend money on it, and lots of money in some cases, so the industry thrives. The other reason is I don't need it -- my wife provides the love and sexual excitement in our relationship, and I do everything I can to please her.

In response to the original poster, you may have to take charge if the man is not pleasing you or he thinks he is not pleasing you. Do things that increase your pleasure and make an active effort to teach him the way you like things.

When you genuinely start moaning and groaning because he is really doing it right, he will feel great inside and start enjoying it more.

You may have to make compromises on the amount of sex you have, as well. Husbands/wives are there to provide positive sexual experiences for each other and comfort them. It is an intimate situation that you should both cherish and enjoy. If you don't feel like doing it, you might with a little closeness and intimacy. If you're just not feeling it that night or you're sick or have a legitimate reason, then hold off for your own sake. Better to not do it than to have a very negative experience that could impact your future sexual relationship.

I agree totally with whoever said that women withhold sex sometimes for very stupid, silly, and contrived reasons; however, there are men who do the same thing, thought it may be a rarer occurrence. (Don't know for sure myself)


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## Doc Savage (Mar 16, 2010)

Ask him to watch with him.

Don't judge, I am sure when he and you are making love he is not concerned with what you fantasize about or is he judgemental about it.

Hell I have my wife tell me what she is thinking about then augment it with my own ideas, gets her off faster. My wife's complaint about sex is that I don't give her enough. Well since I do all the work, she would feel that way, but when she gets it she is the center of my world and I am a tool. But hey, to each his/her own.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Porn is not a precurser to cheat. I persons mental situation or however one would put it is the primary reaspn with marital issues argueably being their personal excuse to choose to do so. 

However, some partners may very well have an issue with porn or masturbation. I like porn but actually never or very rarely watch it. My wife thinks its cheesy and not very appealing to her even though she has had both sex's in the past. She and I have discussed masturbation though and she is finewith it as long as she either knows or we experiment together. Well last night was our first time doing it in almost six weeks as we were waiting for her to heal from giving birth. I told her it turns me on when/if she started or finished or heck anything with her masturbating which she had never done before. Needless to say but that was one of the most arousing and stimulating sexual experiences of my life! 
So I would lighten up a little if your willing to experiment and you might really enjoy yourself. Porn, nah I don't really care but he might or you too. You can make your decision and decide. But I do recognize the infidelity would probably cause you pain though with porn that if he means to fiz ur relationship, he would respect you too. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Porn is not a precurser to cheat. I persons mental situation or however one would put it is the primary reaspn with marital issues argueably being their personal excuse to choose to do so. 

However, some partners may very well have an issue with porn or masturbation. I like porn but actually never or very rarely watch it. My wife thinks its cheesy and not very appealing to her even though she has had both sex's in the past. She and I have discussed masturbation though and she is finewith it as long as she either knows or we experiment together. Well last night was our first time doing it in almost six weeks as we were waiting for her to heal from giving birth. I told her it turns me on when/if she started or finished or heck anything with her masturbating which she had never done before. Needless to say but that was one of the most arousing and stimulating sexual experiences of my life! 
So I would lighten up a little if your willing to experiment and you might really enjoy yourself. Porn, nah I don't really care but he might or you too. You can make your decision and decide. But I do recognize the infidelity would probably cause you pain though with porn that if he means to fiz ur relationship, he would respect you too. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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