# Open question: How does love "feel" after 20 years together?



## ForlornHubby

I'm going to what may very well be the end of my marriage, much to my sadness. My marriage was always bumpy (no infidelity or anything, just tempers) but we always managed to press on.

The problem is, these days my wife has gotten into a "I don't think I love you anymore", "I'm sure if I really loved you I would feel more than this" so she just wants to move on.

I've tried to reason with her that beginner's passion (butterflies in stomach etc) very likely doesn't happen after this much time and that being in love after so long + 2 kids is bound to be a much more subdued "nice to have you with me" kind of feeling.

Thing is, I really don't know if she's right, or I'm right. So, question to you that have crossed this 20 year threshold: can you describe how love for your significant other feels to you now? Do you still get giddy? Butterflies in the stomach? Jealousy? Or is is more of a soothing feeling?


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## Amplexor

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


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## HappyWife40

My husband and I have been together 23 years, married for 18. I still sometimes get giddy when I think of him. The day to day is more of a harmonious thing, though. We not only are married with kids, but we work for the same company, on the same projects about six feet away from each other, so we are together a LOT! 

The early infatuation (first couple years dating) has faded, but in its place is a very strong passion. I am still "in love" with him as well as he is my best friend. I would rather be with him than anyone I know. Mind you, I love our three children, but he is the love of my life. 

This is not to say we have not had problems. Years six through nine pretty much sucked, but with some good marriage counseling, we got through it. 

If you are interested, there is a great blog by one of the regular contributors to Talk About Marriage. It is called: Married Man Sex Life - BlogTopSites.com

He also has a book out for about $10.00 that might be helpful. Some of his ideas may help reignite the spark in your marriage.

Best Wishes!


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## AFEH

In long term marriages “love” goes through good and bad phases. For both of the partners and not necessarily in synchronisation with one another. The relationship goes up and down, more “in love” sometimes than at other times.

When a person is in one of their “down times” it can indeed seem that “it’s always been that way”. Unfortunately some people remember and recall the bad things that happen in a marriage, for example the anger and arguments. It’s like bad news travels fast. Tell one person one bad thing and they’ll tell ten others, maybe about a meal at a restaurant or something. But tell a person good news, how far does that travel?

But in a marriage the person who focuses on the bad things quite simply forgets any of the joy and happiness that they’ve experienced. And likewise the person who focuses on the good things, counts their blessings, recalls only the good and forgets the bad.


I’d thoroughly recommend you take your wife on a marriage enrichment programme/course. I’m really impressed by them and the couples who run them. Typically people who’ve been just where you are today. After 20 years your wife should give it a shot even though her heart wont be fully into it. But you never know she may see and learn things that make her appreciate and count her blessing for what she’s got and find new ways of sparking things alive again.


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## HappyWife40

One other thing: A few years ago, I read the book _Love and Respect_ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It really opened my eyes to the different things men and women need in a marriage relationship. My husband has even thought about teaching it as a class at our church. I don't know if this will help you, but I thought I would throw it out there.


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## Runs like Dog

candlemelter said:


> "I don't think I..


Is generally a load of crap. Either you are or you're not. People tend to over analyze this when they should go with their gut. Is it dead? Is it working? Can it?


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## ForlornHubby

Thanks for all the answers so far.



Runs like Dog said:


> Is generally a load of crap. Either you are or you're not. People tend to over analyze this when they should go with their gut. Is it dead? Is it working? Can it?


Well, far from me to defend my wife here  but I admit that everyone at any one time or another thinks "is this it? is this as good as it gets? are we in love or just ok together?". I have felt it but ended up answering, right or wrong, "yeah. There isn't a lot of obvious flame but it's good enough as it is."

She, on the other hand, has begun engaging online (male) penpals which, according to her, have sensibilities closer to hers (love poetry etc). So her eyes just kind of gleam when she logs off after exchanging emails with then. I am not a Neanderthal, but I tend to favour more of a dark+musical poetry rather than romantic stuff, a style she's slightly dismissive of and that's ok: to each is own.

So, even though I may give her the benefit of the doubt that those interactions are mostly platonic, the fact of matter is she's feeling enraptured by all this "sensibility" she's getting elsewhere and measuring it against the ol' pair of shoes love she gets with me.

At times she says "this is probably just a phase"... but in the meantime I'm left holding the candle and feeling pretty darn worthless and imagining (and, to an extend knowing) how intimate some of these interactions really are and if she can ever be won back...


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## Amplexor

candlemelter said:


> Thanks for all the answers so far.
> 
> 
> 
> Well, far from me to defend my wife here  but I admit that everyone at any one time or another thinks "is this it? is this as good as it gets? are we in love or just ok together?". I have felt it but ended up answering, right or wrong, "yeah. There isn't a lot of obvious flame but it's good enough as it is."
> 
> She, on the other hand, has begun engaging online (male) penpals which, according to her, have sensibilities closer to hers (love poetry etc). So her eyes just kind of gleam when she logs off after exchanging emails with then. I am not a Neanderthal, but I tend to favour more of a dark+musical poetry rather than romantic stuff, a style she's slightly dismissive of and that's ok: to each is own.
> 
> So, even though I may give her the benefit of the doubt that those interactions are mostly platonic, the fact of matter is she's feeling enraptured by all this "sensibility" she's getting elsewhere and measuring it against the ol' pair of shoes love she gets with me.
> 
> At times she says "this is probably just a phase"... but in the meantime I'm left holding the candle and feeling pretty darn worthless and imagining (and, to an extend knowing) how intimate some of these interactions really are and if she can ever be won back...


This smells of EA and an EA that is over the Internet without any physical interaction can be just as deadly to a marriage as one that is not. You are on a dangerous path friend. She is seeking attention, understanding or an emotional connection elsewhere. You are feeling abandoned, alone and frustrated. Without action the relationship will erode into resentment and a complete disconnect. What are the issues other than you don't enjoy the same kind of poetry?

A quick starting point, read Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" I suspect you will both find a better understanding of what you perceive as being loved.


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## SimplyAmorous

I feel tremendously for my husband, will be 22 yrs this year, as each year progresses, the feelings grow almost stronger for me , and especially when you don't feel too good about yourself but he is always there to lift you up , he loves you anyway, even if other people think you are a screw up. 

He is the wind beneath my wings, even when they feel they are broken.


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## Pandakiss

we will be together for 20..married just 11 of those. we have ups and downs. i think we have been through a lot, and i am too stubborn to give in and walk away.

maybe he is too. we still have just as much fun today we did the very first phone conversation all those years ago. we think so much alike its sometimes a complete oppsite, then someone catches hurt feelings...

we talk it out over the next week, have one final say and thats it. i have learned argueing is listening also [phh..like that happens] we figured out the other ones body language, and we had fun taking the love languages test.

we make the decission every day to love the other person, and to stay in the marriage, we must keep in mind we are one anothers best friend.

we only had 1 bad month where we fought about money, and i refuse to do it again. i do things he like, because he does things i like.

most of the time..[90% of the time] we remember to have fun, and not take everything so seriously. i have to remember, i dont have to agree, and i dont have to understand, and i dont have to like it...when we have different points of views.


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## LovesHerMan

Candle:

Your wife is allowing men online to meet emotional needs that only you should be fulfilling. Fantasy is so much more fun than reality because there are no bills to pay, children to raise, or boring jobs to deal with.

She is disconnecting from you, and you need to take action now to save your marriage. Start spending time together doing things you both enjoy. Pay attention to her; express affection in a way she can appreciate.

As far as your original question, yes, mature love is different from the giddy initial dopamine rush of new love. Mature love is much deeper. It is like a sapling versus an oak tree. In mature love you do not think about your partner constantly, but you have the confidence and security of years of solving problems together, family history, and memories of good times together.

I will take mature love any day of the week. I can see straight through my husband, and I like the view. I love that I know him inside and out, that I know how to please him, that we have built a life together. I treasure the deep, soul satisfying love that I feel for my husband over the giddy high school kind of crush that I felt when I was young.


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## sigma1299

As much as I hate to see a thread posted in Success in Marriage derailed you need to listen to Amplexor and Lovesherman. I had an online EA, they can progress with astounding speed. Mine was with an old flame which accelerates things but mine went from hello to a full on EA in two weeks. Not saying that's where your wife is but your wife's online male friends need your immediate attention. 

Best of Luck.


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## ForlornHubby

Amplexor said:


> Without action the relationship will erode into resentment and a complete disconnect. What are the issues other than you don't enjoy the same kind of poetry?


Sadly, this poetry thing isn't the only "problem". Our relationship has always been bumpy as you can read on my other thread here.

I'll move my further comments to that other thread so, everyone, *feel free to comment there rather than here* to not let this upbeat forum be tainted by such a downer subject.


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