# Asking for advice after 22 years together .... PLEASE!



## tennessee0869

My husband and I have been together 22 years total. 3 months ago, he said there were some issues in our relationship. He said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. He knew he loved me but not sure if he was in love. That hurt. He told me I irritate him. That hurt too. It left me feeling that he doesn't like me anymore, let alone he may not be in love with me anymore. 

He told me he thought that when we had our first child (we were 18) he felt somewhat used. This was the first time he EVER mentioned feeling used. He said he felt we grew to love each other and then got married. He was the one who wanted to get married when we did. I never pushed for it. I was content on being us marriage or not.

Our sex life has been non-exsistant for over a year but we've always been affectionate to each other. We played around and touched each other...we just didn't have intercourse. We held hands, hugged, kissed, caressed each other up until 3 months ago. We would joke about initiating sex with each other but when it came to it, neither one of us truly acted on it.

2 weeks after we had this talk, I noticed a number on the cellphone bill. She is a co-worker, she is 25, she is married with 2 small kids under 3. They text each other for 14-16 hours almost everyday and have since I saw her number the first time. I asked him who's # that was and he denied knowing the number. I said you know it because you blow it up non-stop, please tell me. Well, he wouldn't so I had to find out on my own and I did. Since November 2010, they've only sent each other text and videos (MMS). This past Monday night (1-10), they spent 3 hours on the phone. My heart sank!!! It was 10:15pm to 1:00am and he was out of town...convenient. I tried to call him during their phone call and he didn't answer. So, I tried to call the other 2 cellphones he has for work. No answer on those. I didn't know they were talking until I checked the bill. The following morning, I asked him why he didn't answer my call and he said it never rang. I said oh, did all 3 not ring because I tried? He said he had no missed calls from me. I didnt' challenge it. Maybe my mistake but I feel like if he finds out I look at our cellphone bill, I will lose the only way I have to keep track of him.

If your spouse told you he doesn't know if he's in love with you anymore AND that you irritate him AND he's making a connection with someone through text messages, what would you do? 

3 months ago, he said he really doesn't want to talk about any of it because since it was all out in the open, he wanted to see if it would get better on it's own. We are still together (neither of us wanted to leave) and have had a few conversations about it. He believes we'll be ok in the end, he doesn't want to get divorced but in his mind he feels like we are seperated?????

I am on a roller coaster of emotions. I cry at the drop of anything and have to tell myself to keep it in check.

I don't know what to do because I feel powerless ... PLEASE I am reaching out for some help/advice.


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## danavince

It sounds like your husband is on the brink of having an affair. It may not have escalated to that yet, but the red flags are definitely there. Affairs are an escape, there are issues in the marriage that he is not addressing. Yes, he's told you of his unhappiness, but it doesn't sound like he is trying to work it out with you, he is just avoiding and escaping. I highly recommend couples counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. You need some support and guidance to figure out where to go from here. 
Pay attention to the red flags, don't think you are crazy, this needs to be dealt with.


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## tennessee0869

I definitely don't want him to have an affair.
I see the red flags.

He told me a few months ago, when I suspected this may happen, he would tell me first if he wanted to be with someone else. My facial reaction was of Gee thanks! 

He said he needs his own friends and his own space apart from me. 

Does that mean he wants his cake and eat it too? 

I know the OW husband...not personally but I know how to contact him. Should I see if he knows anything or drop a hint to start paying attention himself?


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## lace5262

> He said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. He knew he loved me but not sure if he was in love.
> 
> *He's reading from the 'Wayward spouse script'*
> 
> He told me he thought that when we had our first child (we were 18) he felt somewhat used. This was the first time he EVER mentioned feeling used. He said he felt we grew to love each other and then got married. He was the one who wanted to get married when we did. I never pushed for it. I was content on being us marriage or not.
> 
> *Waywards like to rewrite history. This is fog babble.*
> 
> If your spouse told you he doesn't know if he's in love with you anymore AND that you irritate him AND he's making a connection with someone through text messages, what would you do?
> 
> *Make him cut off all contact with this woman & give me all his passwords, yesterday. Also, my Husband and I follow "Marriagebuilders", so he'd be on the phone setting up counseling with Dr. Harley. *
> 
> 3 months ago, he said he really doesn't want to talk about any of it because since it was all out in the open, he wanted to see if it would get better on it's own. We are still together (neither of us wanted to leave) and have had a few conversations about it. He believes we'll be ok in the end, he doesn't want to get divorced but in his mind he feels like we are seperated?????
> 
> *He's a cake eater. Because he "feels seperated", it's going to make it easier for him to carry out this affair. That's how he'll justify it. *
> 
> *I'm so sorry you're going through this, but whatever you do, don't sweep it under the rug.*


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## tennessee0869

Thanks Lace...

Do I worry only about my situation or do I bring in the OW's husband? Seems like I should only worry about me and my husband but others on her say to tell the OS.....

He did tell me he felt like a stranger when he came home during our first talk about this. He was working August through the time of the talk pretty much non-stop and was traveling. He would come in on Friday night and leave out Sunday. No down time for him, no together time for us. He had never worked that much and for long periods of time like that before. I believe it caused him stress and he doesn't deal with stress very well.


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## lace5262

I would definitely be informing the other husband. He has a right to know what his wife is up to. Two pairs of eyes are better than one.


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## seeking sanity

Yes, tell the husband immediately. Lace is bang on in her assessment. Hopefully it isn't anything more than an emotional affair yet. But prepare yourself.

You also you may want to start dealing with how you let the relationship get so out of shape. A year without sex is a huge red flag for problems. You should probably get in some counseling for yourself. It's doubtful he'll want to do counselling until this whole thing blows up and he realizes that he could lose you AND lose out on the other woman.


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## FCHAVEZ

Why are neither of you initiating sex? If your husband won't do it then you should atleast try. No guy will be satisfied purely by touching and kissing for a whole yr. I agree that you should seek counseling together or atleat by yourself. It sounds like both of you need to get on the same page about what you can bring to the table to make this a relationship the both of you can live with. I think you need to let him know you know about what he is doing with this other woman and in order for the relationship to work he needs to cut all ties. Find out what he is getting from her that he feels like he can't get from you.


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