# He hates quality time and thinks it makes me needy



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have posted about this before, but it has come up again and I'm not sure what to do differently...

Quality time. My main love language. We have been working on spending more quality time together. Initially it was going good, I was fine with knowing I would be the one setting it up, making arrangements, but he happily went along with stuff and we have been revelling in renewing the couple side of things.

Now, I can feel things stalling. He told me not long ago that he was quite happy for our couple quality time to just be hanging out. The kind where you just hang out, in the same room, watching TV, on the laptop, reading, basically doing whatever but not necessarily focussed time on each other. He said this is a compliment.

OK. I like that, but I want that dating time too. I know we can't always go out, but I like arranging time together at home: like watching a film, making and eating dinner together, getting out the oils to do a massage, anything like that.

Yet I bring it up, and he's going back to resisting it. He says we spend enough time together anyway, then says it's.not about quantity it's quality, has started talking about how important it is to have individual time. He says he feels the pressure of work and family and wants to chill out on his own more, have a hobby, work on the car.

Now, I agree COMPLETELY we both need that. He's always met friends out for beers every week and spent hours pottering about in the garage. What I feel is that he prioritizes me beneath these other things. I sense he feels it as me being needy. He says if I say I want quality time, and he doesb't wabt to or has other plans, I get upset. He says he feels it has to be my way or I'm not happy.

I don't know what to do. If I cheerfully say OK, he decides I'm hiding being upset. If I say casually,OK, let's have some time tomorrow, he'll grudingly agree. Sometimes he'll have that time, others he'll say he wants to di something first then get ccaught up for an hour and slink in later. He'll make jokey digs about he'd better sit down with me or he'll be in the bad books tomorrow. The only time he instigates it himself is if he's messed up, or I've had a bad day.

We hardly saw each other all weekend. I said earlier let's curl up together later with a film and a blanket. He didn't reply. Later he said he'd made plans, it was only one weekend we hadn't seen each other. I shrugged and walked away. I was pretty cross: I felt like saying how would he feel if I kept making fun of his need for sex, 
that we kissed and hugged enough all ready and I was happy with that, and every time I agreed to it, I made it clear I didn't really want to and that he was needy? I wouldn't actually DO that but it sure
might get it through to him!

Eta: To give you an idea of our schedule: he works weekdays and leaves before anyone else is up. He arrives back around 530 and we have dinner as a family. We sit down together after everything is done about 9pm. He goes out twice during the week so hardly see each other those days, and once at the weekend. We usually spend our time at the weekends as a family, and had been having quality time on Saturday nights. He gets resentful when I go to fitness classes on a weekend if he has the kids as he sats he never gets that time? I said if he arranged it, it wouldn't be a problem with me. He has also said he'd like me to take up a hobby: I pointed out I had just taken up the fitness classes but he said he meant something I did at home, for me.
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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

> watching a film, making and eating dinner together, getting out the oils to do a massage, anything like that.


Quality time is irrelevant to the context of the scenario. its about the two of you truly connecting, regardless of the activity. By asking for quality time, and then giving him these types of options, it will come of as needy to some men, including myself.

It sounds to me that you want more romance, like a date night. Try that. Every Thursday night from 6:00pm -> end of the night the two of you go out and do couples stuff. Get massages, go out for a fancy couples cooking class, etc. But make sure to throw paintball in there. All of the activities I just outlined would be more feminine, and if he is stressing do to work/family obligations and he likes to hide in his bat cave, working on the car, he feels he needs more man time. So give it to him! But that doesnt mean you cant include yourself. Buy tickets to see monster trucks, or go fishing, whatever manly thing your hubby enjoys. Because if a woman respects and treats her man like a man, he will act like it, and make you feel like a woman!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> *Quality time is irrelevant to the context of the scenario. its about the two of you truly connecting, regardless of the activity.* By asking for quality time, and then giving him these types of options, it will come of as needy to some men, including myself.


Can you expand, I don't get you? My approach has been that rather than ASKING, I have been saying stuff like, let's go out later for dinner, just me and you. Being more assertive rather than 'asking', and having the idea of what to do. 

Basically, if I don't arrange the date/time at home, or a sitter, it doesn't happen. He would not organize a date out of the house: or in it for that matter. The particular ideas I mentioned (watching a film, cooking dinner) are things I like to do AT home, when we can't go out. Me? I'm open to ideas and have a couple up my sleeve for when I can get daytime sitters at the weekend.



> It sounds to me that you want more romance, like a date night. Try that. Every Thursday night from 6:00pm -> end of the night the two of you go out and do couples stuff. Get massages, go out for a fancy couples cooking class, etc. But make sure to throw paintball in there. All of the activities I just outlined would be more feminine, and if he is stressing do to work/family obligations and he likes to hide in his bat cave, working on the car, he feels he needs more man time. So give it to him! But that doesnt mean you cant include yourself. Buy tickets to see monster trucks, or go fishing, whatever manly thing your hubby enjoys. Because if a woman respects and treats her man like a man, he will act like it, and make you feel like a woman!


I get this! I like him doing guy stuff. I'd be happy to go and do guy stuff he likes. A BIG part of this for me is that anything that floats his boat, he prefers to do with the guys or with our son. He'd think of them first. He'd even rather go on holiday with his best male friend than me because he'd prefer to do the kind of stuff guy do for bonding than socialize with me. He acts like it's a chore for him.

I even said earlier that if he wanted to spend our time hanging out in the living room then why didn't he just move in with our guy friends who share a house, as he could get that company with them? He looked really affronted and said no, he didn't want that with them. I asked him, he can make an effort with everyone else to make plans, why not me? Is he taking me for granted? He said no. He used to make plans. Not any more. Yet he still does with friends


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I asked him, he can make an effort with everyone else to make plans, why not me? Is he taking me for granted? He said no. He used to make plans. Not any more. Yet he still does with friends



Hmm... It seems that there is a hidden resentment here. I'm of the opinion that you might've done something to make him behave this way.

Talk to him. There must be something deep that's starting to simmer on the surface. If you don't know how to talk to him, get Leil Lowndes stuff about improving your love life. Google her.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Closer said:


> Hmm... It seems that there is a hidden resentment here. I'm of the opinion that you might've done something to make him behave this way.
> 
> Talk to him. There must be something deep that's starting to simmer on the surface. If you don't know how to talk to him, get Leil Lowndes stuff about improving your love life. Google her.


I have thought that he is complacent. Comfortable. He likes how things are. I have always been very aware of keeping the flame burning and he doesn't like it being pointed out that he stopped putting the work in. He admits it and has said he doesn't think he needs to now as much...
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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I have thought that he is complacent. Comfortable. He likes how things are. I have always been very aware of keeping the flame burning and he doesn't like it being pointed out that he stopped putting the work in. He admits it and has said he doesn't think he needs to now as much...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ouch. What a bummer (Excuse the language). If he's going to continue like that, you will have the inclination to move on. That day will come.

I think you should say that to him even just to shake him a little bit.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yeah, I have said in a not-so-roundabout way not long ago that that kind of behavior is the sort that drives people to seek attention elsewhere. Unfortunately when I said it, it didn't carry the meaning I wanted and he decided I was saying that if I didn't get everything my own way all the time, I'd cheat on him. I wasn't btw. I should add he's not long had an EA that we've been going to MC for.

Something else he said was that he loves me, very much, and "although he knows he doesn't always show it", he does feel it. This is part of the problem. He thinks that because he feels it, that is enough. Sounds crazily odd actually when you think about it, he loves me but has little inclination to display it in the ways I need. After his EA when I asked him how he felt about me and I felt insecure, he said (in a genuine voice), "I'm here aren't I?" like that was enough.

I think he's finding everything quite overwhelming right now. I appreciate the stress he feels of work and family committments. I do feel at times that he is so accustomed to the status quo of our relationship (he likes that "comfortable" feeling) that he feels resentful of me demanding more out of him because it means he has to make an effort he feels no need for himself, ON TOP OF everything else that life demands of him. At the end of the day when we sit down together, it feels like the last thing he wants to do is snuggle and watch a film, or anything actually *with* me. Yet he professes he is very happy with how things are, and having this comfortable being-in-the-room-but-not-actually-"together"-together. Him saying this is a compliment sounds like code from him for "you should just be happy with that" - because HE is.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Yeah, I have said in a not-so-roundabout way not long ago that that kind of behavior is the sort that drives people to seek attention elsewhere. Unfortunately when I said it, it didn't carry the meaning I wanted and he decided I was saying that if I didn't get everything my own way all the time, I'd cheat on him. I wasn't btw. I should add he's not long had an EA that we've been going to MC for.
> 
> Something else he said was that he loves me, very much, and "although he knows he doesn't always show it", he does feel it. This is part of the problem. He thinks that because he feels it, that is enough. Sounds crazily odd actually when you think about it, he loves me but has little inclination to display it in the ways I need. After his EA when I asked him how he felt about me and I felt insecure, he said (in a genuine voice), "I'm here aren't I?" like that was enough.
> 
> I think he's finding everything quite overwhelming right now. I appreciate the stress he feels of work and family committments. I do feel at times that he is so accustomed to the status quo of our relationship (he likes that "comfortable" feeling) that he feels resentful of me demanding more out of him because it means he has to make an effort he feels no need for himself, ON TOP OF everything else that life demands of him. At the end of the day when we sit down together, it feels like the last thing he wants to do is snuggle and watch a film, or anything actually *with* me. Yet he professes he is very happy with how things are, and having this comfortable being-in-the-room-but-not-actually-"together"-together. Him saying this is a compliment sounds like code from him for "you should just be happy with that" - because HE is.



OMGosh, I just read the thread and I am SO on the same boat as you. I do have a feeling that he is having an EA that is probably on FB with an old high school friend. However, I can't prove it. I am thinking about getting one of those keyloggers (WebWatcher 7) but am so afraid that he may be able to track that I put it on since he is VERY computer savvy.

Anyways, my husband has been so distant for the past few weeks. You can see some of my posts for more details.
I have done the same and tried to initiate more time together. And it just seems that he's not interested. He even called me "meek". I've turned up our sex activities up and even though it's great...I'm the one who has been initiating it. Yeah, so on top of it, I don't even feel that he is sexually attracted. Yeah he does it but he's a man and what man will turn down sex.

I tried talking to him and he says that everything is just fine and it's only a problem when I become "needy". My husband has been under some stress. He has applied for a promotion at work and this has been a process for almost a year now. Well, my husband also smokes "pot" ocassionally and he has had to quit as he will be drug tested. Anyways, he has recently found out that he did not make the first round of hire but in the next 2years they will be hiring more. No specifics on when...it could be in a month or it could be in 2 years. So he's not too happy about that. 

I know that he wants to smoke again and since he can't, I'm sure that he is not happy. In a heated argument recently, I told him that the man I fell in love with and married was a man addicted to "Pot" and now that he doesn't smoke, there is someone different in our home now.

I don't know what else to do at this point. So any men out there that can give me some advice, please do!

Thanks!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You could have written this about my H. I have gone thru this for years. I have tried everything, nothing has changed him. I have changed, not for the better. What's a wife to do when the H is constantly rejecting her, not meeting her needs when she has expressed them numerous times. She will shut down emotionally to protect herself

He feels/ thinks you are needy for wanting to spend time with him. One day you won't want to spend time with him. When he wants to you just can't be bothered.

One day you will realize you don't need him for anything.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yeah, I worry that one day I might get so fed up that I just say I've had enough. He'll then say, woah I never realised it was so important to you! (judging on past episodes.)

I DEMANDED time when we were talking yesterday morning, that we have an early night When he got back from work he was all cheery and it was the first thing he mentioned. I definitely get the vibe he likes me being assertive but I'm not sure where the line falls between being assertive and pushy.

The obvious thing here though is that I knew he'd go for an early night! He did mention when I was talking about quality time the other day that we could go rent a movie one night, but I felt like it was a grudging offer, that he was ticking a box ("yeah, I've done that this week, that'll keep her off my back about it" rather than "how can we work this so we're both happy?") What does start to hurt is that we can sit together in the living room in a comfortable silence, watching TV, on the laptop, listening to music, whatever, and not speak for two/three hours hardly, then he'll want to "connect" when we go to bed. No build up, nothing. Maybe if I explain about how I feel connnected through time together, he might get it more.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

It seems like he is afraid to be alone with you. Do you have things to talk about? Do you laugh together? The need for distraction is worrisome.

Doing parallel activities is good but it isn't enough. What would happen if you left the room when he is like this?
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> It seems like he is afraid to be alone with you. Do you have things to talk about? Do you laugh together? The need for distraction is worrisome.
> 
> Doing parallel activities is good but it isn't enough. What would happen if you left the room when he is like this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When we kick-started going out more together after his EA, he said he liked it but that we didn't have much to talk about. I don't feel this is as much of a problem now as we both have our own interests.

I think he gets defensive about his lack of effort but has admitted he doesn't make the effort as much as he used to. I think from what he's said, he sees no reason to "do" that dating thing anymore. I think he sees it maybe as having a purpose and it's served its purpose now. He likes the companionship and the sex but sees spending dedicated time as a big fuss on my part. He sees it as a hassle he could do without. I only wish there was some equivalent that I could explain to get it through to him how I feel.
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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

_I think he gets defensive about his lack of effort but has admitted he doesn't make the effort as much as he used to. I think from what he's said, he sees no reason to "do" that dating thing anymore. I think he sees it maybe as having a purpose and it's served its purpose now. He likes the companionship and the sex but sees spending dedicated time as a big fuss on my part. He sees it as a hassle he could do without. I only wish there was some equivalent that I could explain to get it through to him how I feel._

OMGosh, I think we have the same husband. Mine asks why can't I just be content with the way things are. He tells me that we are not dating anymore and that I should have outgrown that need. I think he just wants me to be around but does not want to put any effort into our relationship. I've read about the 180 method recently. Anyone have any success with it?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

alwaysnforever said:


> _I think he gets defensive about his lack of effort but has admitted he doesn't make the effort as much as he used to. I think from what he's said, he sees no reason to "do" that dating thing anymore. I think he sees it maybe as having a purpose and it's served its purpose now. He likes the companionship and the sex but sees spending dedicated time as a big fuss on my part. He sees it as a hassle he could do without. I only wish there was some equivalent that I could explain to get it through to him how I feel._
> 
> OMGosh, I think we have the same husband. Mine asks why can't I just be content with the way things are. He tells me that we are not dating anymore and that I should have outgrown that need. I think he just wants me to be around but does not want to put any effort into our relationship. I've read about the 180 method recently. Anyone have any success with it?


Lol my H says that too, about we're not dating anymore and why can't I be happy with how things are? I just find it so incredibly ironic that the main reason we fell in love was through spending time together, enjoying each othrer's company, yet now we've set up for life together, he doesn't want to spend that time together any more. Why are we together again- oh yeah, he loves me and wants to BE with me, just in some spiritual way, not physically BE with me.

I'm in rant mode so I'll slope out now :-(
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