# Journal Entries



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If you guys would like to see, this is a short chronicle of my thoughts addressed to my counselor. "Short" is a relative term. I would really like to give you guys all the information on the events that took place, and get your input. You can read about the event where I discovered my wife's plot here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29194-my-wife-cheated-left.html. 

Thank you in advance for your thoughts. 


Dated June 20th, 2011, eight days after my wife left:

_I’m finally starting to accept the fact that this isn’t my fault. At the very least, the fact that she left is not my fault. Initially my being rejected this sentiment, counting it standard jargon everyone in my support group is obligated to spout. 

But I now am accepting the precept I apply everywhere else in life, and rightly so- everyone is responsible for their own actions. She cheated on me. I’m not responsible for that. Let’s say I am responsible-- she felt threatened. So my threats are responsible for her actions. But what is responsible for my threats? Her unwillingness to open up, to talk, to connect with me. We eventually follow this blame game all the way to the parents. 

No. She does what she does because of her, not me. God will judge me for my actions toward her. But He’ll also judge me for my actions toward Nate, Charley, Tom, the people at Alwine. We are all responsible for what we do. 

Furthermore, I’m convinced that (with the exception of her affair and subsequent departure, interestingly) all the problems we’re experiencing in our marriage are fairly common among all couples. I think one terrible argument in an 11-year relationship is pretty good. My self-esteem issues? My constant whining about my figure? These kinds of things earn me a tiff, and maybe a couple nights sleeping on the couch. They don’t earn me a MISSING WIFE. 

I hate the way I feel when I try to defend myself. Especially now. Whenever I even begin to think about answering questions someone might have I get sick to my stomach. Is that guilt? Or is that God telling me not to concern myself with things that don’t pertain to His Glory? 

It’s so hard to put this into God’s hands and just let Him do whatever. I have seen the horrors that God’s will has wreaked upon His people in the past. Not to question God. Not at all. It’s just that I’ve seen some amazing suffering servants. People who have their wives leave them and then get cancer and die alone. I’m afraid of how this might end. Kathy says God will not allow me to be afflicted with more than I can endure. I suppose most people would be encouraged by this, but I find myself uneasy-- I have a suspicion that I can endure a lot. 

Part of me wants her to be in pain so that she’ll realize that she needs to come back. Not sadistically- but godly sorrow. Paul said he didn’t like making people sorrowful, but he was happy that the sorrow caused them to change their lives. I must confess I want that. For her to feel the pressure, until she realizes that I love her, that I wanted to take care of her. Part of me thinks that’s the only way I’ll ever get her to come back. But assuming she does come back, what then? In our session today you confirmed my belief... this girl is going to need a lot of work. 
Assuming she is willing to receive it, and assuming we’re able to afford it, who’s to say she would resonate with it? What if she comes back, and we have a genuine concerted effort to salvage this bond of marriage, and the whole thing goes sideways, yet again? I don’t know if I could take it. 

I can’t forget her presence in this house. I’ve screamed myself horse begging for her to walk around a corner. At one point I entertained the distant possibility that it was all a hoax, a large-scale intervention, a scheme to help me be a better husband, in which all my friends and loved ones were involved. That is how difficult it is for me to accept this. I’m literally conjuring cinematic fantasies to give myself hope. Hope can drive a man to the loss of his sanity, however. 

The only option therefore is to look to God and beg Him not to turn me into one of those walking cautionary tales. “Don’t marry a crazy girl. You’ll end up 30 and alone.” 

Vicky says she’ll be dark for a month. A month. I just got done with a week and I’m bleeding everywhere. Where is she? Busy. On her high. She pulled it off. She deceived me, and everyone else. She must be clicking her heels right now. Nate says the difference is that right now I’m going through the hard work, while she is merely circumventing it. I agree with that, but along with that comes the realization that some people are able to duck and jive out of the way of consequence almost indefinitely. And when the wrecking ball inevitably DOES connect, it’s devastating. 

But this is truly good for me. There is no confusion about the status of my soul when I was with Julie. I had severe problems. Problems that were exacerbated by her unwillingness to open up to me. As you said, having her tell me nothing’s wrong when clearly something IS wrong, can have devastating effects on my mind-- paranoia. She says there’s no trust anymore. Maybe I never fully trusted her to begin with. Or maybe she just never trusted me, or anyone else for that matter.

I’m okay as long as I’m not alone. At least for now. This morning I was busy changing accounts, refinancing my car loan, etc. But as soon as I have some free time... the weight... the heavy, horrid yoke is placed around my neck and it is substantial. Sometimes it doesn’t matter even if I’m in the presence of company. Yesterday Bob and Debbie took me out to eat with Gary, Marsha, and Nick. I couldn’t relax. I don’t know if I had a panic attack or not, but I certainly felt panicked and depressed at the same time. I had to excuse myself and leave for a few minutes. 
Sometimes I just need to scream and cry even for ten seconds. After that I’m okay. Maybe a few moments pass, and I need to cry again. Is this like a cleanse drink for my soul or something? 

I am the most atheistic Christian you will ever find. Allow me to elaborate. I don’t buy the whole “signs” branch of most Christian theologies. About a month before she left, May 15th, I was walking past the Hoffman’s place, feeling down. Knowing something was wrong with my life. It was raining, and as I came up the hill to the clearing I saw a beautiful full rainbow, stretching from one end of the sky to the other. It was bright, vivid, clear and clean against the sky. For a moment I allowed myself to slip into the foolish notion that perhaps this was a sign from God. But then I think to myself... “If this WASN’T a sign from God, if it were merely a rainbow, it would likely look no different than this.” 
I do that a lot. Is that called a false positive? I can’t remember. I see what others count a sign from God, and then I (internally of course, I don’t like destroying dreams) point out that there is no difference between the alleged “sign rainbow” and any other rainbow that would not be a sign. Is this a lack of faith? I believe in God. Nothing will ever change that; I am far too familiar with the mechanics of this reality to be so foolish as to believe otherwise. 
Neither do I believe that God is not watching. God is ironic, and sometimes downright hilarious in His interactions with us. But does God show me something, something that tells me that it’s going to be alright? 
Look at it this way. If I had, at the time, believed that the rainbow was a sign... what would I have likely thought the sign to mean? That good things are just around the corner? My wife left me just a bit afterward. Of course one could argue that years from now I’ll look back on this and call it the catalyst that brought about radical changes for the better. But hypotheticals are of no interest to me at this particular juncture. The point is I saw an amazing rainbow and shortly thereafter, my world disintegrated. 

God please help me. I am cursed with a mind that immediately hones in on the worst possible outcome. Interestingly enough my mind did not anticipate this, and this does indeed seem to be the worst possible outcome. I do not think there could possibly have been a more selfish, inconsiderate way to end our marriage. “Hey. I cheated on you, and now I’m leaving you.” 

Nate said that if it ends in shambles... I’ll never stop loving her, and I’ll never forget her face. That thought does not sit well with me. 

Time to go eat, Dr. Tryon. Thank you so much for listening to the ramblings of my crippled mind. God be with you. And may God soften her heart. _


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