# Some advice please



## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

Here is my situation, any advice is welcome.

My wife and I have been together off and on for about 8 years now, 2 of which we have been married. Early in our relationship I messed up and messed up a lot by being unfaithful and making dumb mistakes. I was still young (I know it's no excuse) and I wasn't sure I really wanted to be with her. My wife told her parents each time these mishaps occurred which is perfectly understandable considering what I did back then was wrong and I never should have behaved that way. (she brings this up frequently)

Back in '04 I left for Iraq and in '05 when I came home I made the mistake of not asking her to come see me as I got off the plane, met with my grandparents and spent some time with them then went to visit my parents. Still unsure about what I wanted at this time and getting out of the military I really did enjoy being around this girl even though I had made some rash decisions in the past so I moved to the town where she lived to go to college.

We hit it off pretty well and she really helped me through school but after about a year she got a new job and wanted to go out frequently, I was in school and ready to just settle down. I got very questionable about her during this time and was certain she was cheating on me but she has never admitted to it, all she has said is a guy kissed her and she slapped him at work (she later left this job but the guy that "kissed" her told everyone he had slept with her, she told me it was a stupid rumor and he was mad she never would). So after this incident I was certain she had cheated and did something stupid (hooked up with another girl) and we split up for about a month before getting back together. 

Things were going good again off and on for a while but we stayed together until one day she asked me to check her email to see something so I am on the computer and I see an email titled "OMG I NEED HELP!!!!" so my natural human nature forced me to open it. She had basically spilled her guts to a friend whom had responded, she talked about how someone else was "turning her head", it was this guy that she had been texting back and fourth that I had asked her to quit texting so much for a while but she insisted it was a friend (she was a bartender and this guy came up there every night she worked and flirted with her, I saw it). OK.... so we split up again, this time for about 2 weeks then get back together.

Things are going a lot better now and I was over the jealous stint because she wasn't acting different like she had in the past and I really do love her. We ended up getting engaged about 6 months after we got back together and waited a year to get married due to our past and to overcome it.

Now onto the hard part, we have been together 2 years and there have been some great times and there have been some rough times (nothing like cheating, leaving, etc). We have been solid for 2 years with cat fights here and there but nothing really bad. Well her mom is a school teacher and is out of school during the summers. Her parents HATE me due to my past but I love my wife more than anything and stayed in her hometown so she was close to her parents (my parents live 2500 miles away). Well her mom has been bad mouthing me and trying to get her to leave me. About 2 weeks ago she told me that she wanted to have kids, but not with me because her parents don't like me (she also brings up when she told her dad we were engaged he said so).

Basically her parents have really put a damper on our marriage and this past Thursday we got in a huge fight. The next day she leaves to go stay with her parents. She has been out at her parents since last Friday and has said she needs to think. I have called her a few times and she never answers and when I text it takes her at least an hour to write me back (keep in mind we can be watching a movie and her mom calls and she jumps up and goes outside for an hour to talk to her, if she is with her mom and I call I get ignored).

Well I was able to see her yesterday for the first time since Friday during lunch and I find out that last Friday she went to see an attorney (her mom took her). She made the appointment for the attorney (divorce lawyer) Thursday BEFORE out big fight happened. Last night she came over after going out with some friends and said she had decided and wants a divorce, she loves me but we have too much baggage etc. I talked her into giving it more time to think it over.

I genuinely love her with all of my heart and want this to work out but is this broken beyond the point of reconciliation? Her mom hates me based on bad decisions I made 5 years ago and she is very close with her mom (whenever we get in a petty fight she calls her mom and her mom and her just bash me).

I am a changed person and I love her with all my heart but I don't know if we can overcome her family despising me so much.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stop calling her and texting her. Let her come to you. 

Wait a few days and if nothing happens (her reaching out to you) you are going to have to have The Talk. 

Anything can be repaired as long as both parties are willing to fix it. 

If you receive divorce papers from her, you need to get your own lawyer.


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

Thanks JellyBeans, I just really don't want this marriage to end. I really do love her and want things to work out. I could not imagine ever being with another girl, I love her more than anything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unfortunately, Albinopuppy... What you're doing isn't likely to repair your marriage. It's more likely to drive her away further and faster.

C


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

Well I called her and she said she wanted to talk to me so I have called her like she wanted but she ignores the calls. I guess I thought marriage was a little more sacred than her family does, they view divorce as an easy way out and they don't work through problems. Her immediate family has over 10 divorces under their belt and when I said my vows to her I meant it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Unfortunately, Albinopuppy... What you're doing isn't likely to repair your marriage. It's more likely to drive her away further and faster.
> 
> C


This is spot on.



albinopuppy said:


> Well I called her and she said she wanted to talk to me so I have called her like she wanted but she ignores the calls.


Then stop calling her. If she wanted to speak with you, she would.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You are at a serious disadvantage if the MIL dislikes you and she has her baby daughter living at home with her. I think at this point the previous advice "let her come to you" is rather sound. Otherwise she is going to feel pulled in two different directions and make a bad decision to stay with "blood" rather than with you. If you get a chance to talk to her again, I would simply tell her that you love her, you do not want a divorce, you believe your problems can be worked out, but will leave her alone and abide with her wishes for a divorce if that is what she wants. Then, walk away. She obviously knows how to contact you if she wants to, and when she has some time to reflect and see that what she has ended up with is her mother rather than a partner, you may find that she changes her mind.


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

BigToe said:


> You are at a serious disadvantage if the MIL dislikes you and she has her baby daughter living at home with her. I think at this point the previous advice "let her come to you" is rather sound. Otherwise she is going to feel pulled in two different directions and make a bad decision to stay with "blood" rather than with you. If you get a chance to talk to her again, I would simply tell her that you love her, you do not want a divorce, you believe your problems can be worked out, but will leave her alone and abide with her wishes for a divorce if that is what she wants. Then, walk away. She obviously knows how to contact you if she wants to, and when she has some time to reflect and see that what she has ended up with is her mother rather than a partner, you may find that she changes her mind.


Great advice, I did almost this exact same thing early this morning. She hasn't called all day and I am going to let her decide, I will not be contacting her again until she contact me. I have told her I love her, want to be with her, don't want a divorce but will cooperate if that is what she wants.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

albinopuppy said:


> Great advice, I did almost this exact same thing early this morning. She hasn't called all day and I am going to let her decide, I will not be contacting her again until she contact me. I have told her I love her, want to be with her, don't want a divorce but will cooperate if that is what she wants.


Best of luck...I hope things work out the way you want them to.


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

I love her with all my heart but I am getting the feeling that she doesn't want to be with me based on her actions and how she talks to me. Should I just put up a front and end it with her to make the decision easier?

I love her and I want what is best for her, I genuinely feel that I am what's best for her but she is obviously having reservations or she wouldn't have been out at her parents for a week now. The fact that she has already talked to a lawyer really makes me think that I should just let her go. I think the only reason she hasn't ended it yet is because she can't end it but can't be with me because her parents are her first priority.

Do you think I should take the higher ground and just end it to give her what she wants and quit putting her through so much?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

albinopuppy said:


> Do you think I should take the higher ground and just end it to give her what she wants and quit putting her through so much?


Not if you still want your marriage.


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

So my wife just started calling me asking about a gym membership, tanning, and a tatoo. I am completely baffled, on the phone she acted as if nothing is wrong but when I told her I was on the way home from work she left. Is she playing games with me or is she just confused?

She asked if she could do these things and I don't mind about the gym membership and the tanning and she has no reason to think I would mind so I don't know where that came from. As for the tatoo she has been wanting to get one and I told her I would rather she not but it is her decision. I am dumbfounded, I have been supportive on all of the above three items but I think she feels I feel different about them than I actually do which I have NO idea why she would think that. 

I think this is more stuff that her parents have put in her head, ANY ADVICE AT ALL on how to get her to quit taking so much advice from the MIL whom is obviously trying to sabotage our marriage.

I can tell she wants to come back but her parents are definitely the one and only reason standing in the way right now.

Edit: I know this is wrong for me to do but I fear infidelity so I went to check her facebook and she has changed her password. Should I be concerned? Should I hack her facebook and get her pw? (I am very good with computers, it is my job so I know how to get this information) Or should I just let it go and was I wrong for wanting to check in the first place?

The reason I wanted to check is because while I love her more than anything if she has cheated on me the past week regardless of how hard it would be for me I would have to end it.


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

New info just came down and it is exciting/hurtful at the same time. 

My wife called me tonight and wants to go on a date tomorrow night with me which is GREAT! BUT she dropped another huge bombshell on me. She said that Sunday she wants to go to church and has no plans all day but Sunday night she is going out with (guy that I fear she is starting to have feelings for) and some friends from work.

This is tearing me up inside and I really don't have anyone to talk to about this as it is 12:37 AM and it is literally destroying me.

Should I go on the date with her and just trust that she going out with this guy and his friends is nothing?

Should I go on the date with her and tell her that going out with restaurant guy friends is not something married people do?

Should I just let her go as painful as that may be since she is obviously having reservations?

Help PLEASE!!!!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, go out with her and tell her how you feel, however DO NOT start crying and being an emotional mess. 

Tell her that you want the marriage to work and are willing to try any/everything in order torestore it back to someplace good.

DO NOT lose your marbles in front of her, ok? A woman likes a confident man who knows what he wants.

If she waffles, tell her that you respect her decision either way but you cannot guarantee you will still be around for her while she lives the single life. 

Suggest marriage counselling. Listen and validate everything she says. Also ask her what you can do to make things better and tell her what she can do to help out but DO NOT be accusatory/rude/condescending. You have to walk a very fine line here.


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## albinopuppy (Jul 14, 2011)

So yesterday I received the news I had been fearing not by her but by hacking into her facebook. I hacked into her facebook and found that she has been having an affair with another man and they have been talking a lot. He is married with 3 kids and she is married to me but we do not yet have any kids. (I know this was wrong of me to do but I have been asking her what's up for a while now (a month and a half).. I kissed her Saturday night and she tells me she feels nothing when she kisses me.. I had to find out)

I read about them talking about wanting to both get a divorce just so they can be with each other. He makes her the happiest woman in the world. She loves him more than she has ever loved anyone before.... The list goes on and on about the stuff she says.. She worked with him for 3 months and had these feelings for him.. We have been together 8 years.

THEN when I confront her about it last night over the phone since she is still staying out at her parents?? She cries, comes to our house and says the ball is in my court now. I told her I wanted to be with her because I love her so she went out to her parents and was here by 12:30. 

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER???? Why is she talking about how much she loves another guy to him and all her friends? Why is she talking about leaving me and being so cold? Then AS soon as I confront her about it and tell her it's over she comes back and wants to be with me....

I am one confused pup right now.. BTW, she did stay with me last night and she is still here at my house but I am sooo confused..


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