# Should I Stay or Should I Go?



## ebwood86 (Apr 21, 2016)

I'm sure something similar has been posted here a dozen times, but I want to put my whole situation out there and get some thoughts from all of you.

I have been married to my husband for about 6 years, together for 8. Honestly, even on our wedding day (I was only 24), I had doubts about whether I was making the right decision. Two years later, we had a daughter, and three years after that, we had a son. They are now 3.5 years and 6 months old. They are pretty easygoing kids, and my husband is a pretty good dad. He can be very lazy, sometimes even when it comes to parenting, but overall, he's OK in that department.

He can be a decent husband too, but we are simply lacking that spark, in my opinion, and I'm not sure we ever had it, or at least I don't think I ever really felt it from my end.

Until earlier this month (when things finally boiled up and I told him I had one foot out the door), our marriage has had a lot of problems in addition to the lack of a spark. We are almost never sexually intimate. He often talks to me and looks at me as though I am stupid and/or disgusting for silly things like, for example, crossing my legs toward him (in his opinion it is gross that my foot is too close to him!?).

We don't have a lot in common. I am fairly active; he is happy sitting on the couch doing nothing for hours on end. We don't like the same music or TV shows. I like to read; he doesn't. He likes Donald Trump; I can't imagine living in a country where he is president. I am very ambitious about my career; he is not. He is a pessimist (no one is ever good enough for him), and I think most people are great or at least are trying to be good people. I think he is borderline racist, and I'm not. He farts and burps all the time, and I am so grossed out by it. Etc.

I also think until very recently that I was being abused when it came to our finances - not ever physically but emotionally. All of our money is in joint accounts. I make more than he does, but I have never felt in control of any of it. He has a pretty strict budget that we must adhere to (in his defense, I AM a bit of an absentminded spender), and he didn't give me easy access to our bank information. But then when I boiled over in frustration earlier this month, he was totally ok passing over the budgeting and primary control of the funds to me, which I didn't expect.

When I told him as part of my boiling over conversation that I felt like we've been living as roommates, he said he doesn't feel like that at all - that he loves me unconditionally, can't imagine life without me, will do whatever it takes to make things better, etc. I had thought my mind was pretty set on leaving, but all of the things he said (and his actions the past few weeks) make me question that.

We have been to counseling, separate and together, and while it has made the marriage better for short times, it doesn't stick.

My husband has been following through the past few weeks on trying to make things better - the financial stuff, trying to do things better sexually, not talking to me or looking at me like I'm dumb or disgusting. I have to give him credit for trying, but I'm still not sure if I should stay or go. How important is that spark? How important is it to have more common interests and goals besides raising our kids?

Obviously our kids are a huge part of this decision. But even if we didn't have them, I think I'd still be ambivalent about staying or going. Some days I think,"This is good. I can do this." Other times I'll read a quote that says, "Life is too short to settle" or something to that effect, and I'll lean the other direction. Yes, I've read "Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay," but I'm still stuck.

Thanks for reading this novel! I appreciate your thoughts.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

If you aren't in love with him then the relationship is just going to get worse and you are going to resent him more than you already do. Yeah a divorce will hurt the kids' feelings but if you are unhappy they are going to pick up on that and it will be worse. You can co-parent together without having to be married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In a long term relationship/marriage feelings of love/passion ebb and flow. There are things that you can do to fix this.

Two books that I think would help the both of you are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". My suggestion is that the two of you read them together and do the work that they suggest together. The purpose of the books is to restructure your marriage to build and maintain the love/passion that you want.

When a person makes big changes, even if they are for the better, they do tend to slip back. To help keep that from happening it's good for a couple to have a weekly 'state of the marriage' meeting. Helps keep you on track.

After those books, there is another good one: "Mating in Captivity"

ETA: It sounds like you have a typical 'walk away wife' (WAW) situation. They are usually fixable once the husband realizes that while he might be happy in the marriage, his wife is not and he needs to pay attention making the marriage good for her too.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like my marriage, but mine was worse... no sex for 4+ years, no kissing, no nothing. Just there for the $ and kids. I had enough and moved out. In the last 4 months of being separated, I haven't been this happy in forever. Finding someone that you actually love and that loves you back and thinks your #1 is a great feeling. 

Don't stay married just for the kids. If you aren't happy, get out now before you have regret 10 years down the road. Divorce sucks but living a life that you hate is worse!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ask that question again AFTER you follow the advice from Elegirl


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## yellerstang03 (Nov 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> In a long term relationship/marriage feelings of love/passion ebb and flow. There are things that you can do to fix this.
> 
> Two books that I think would help the both of you are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". My suggestion is that the two of you read them together and do the work that they suggest together. The purpose of the books is to restructure your marriage to build and maintain the love/passion that you want.
> 
> ...


This is great advice. Much better than "just divorce and move on".


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I believe what Dr. Phil says, you have to earn you way out of a relationship. Meaning you don't end your family (unless there is abuse) without trying everything you can. Honest communication, scheduling couples time, doing activities together without the kids, counselling, reading helpful books etc. Do you feel you've done everything you can? There is no guarantee that there is a better relationship waiting out there. And only having your children part time, and watching them living in a step parent setting has it's own difficulties.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EBWod, you are both young and in the stage of your marriage which is tough, working, finances, children etc, this is by no means the honeymoon phase. Being committed in a marriage should not depend on feelings, it is a decision you make to love the other person "for better or worse." 
Divorcing may seem like a quick solution but it will be equally as painful not just for you but for your kids and H.

I notice you keep pointing out your H faults, but I am 100% sure you have faults or negativities, unrealistic expectations etc, you bring to the marriage. You H is making an effort what are you doing?

You seem to think that just because you earn more money that somehow you are exempted from puttin in the effort to the marriage, that you H must do all the leg work.

I think you have lost respect for your H, it is difficult for a man to show a wife love if he does not feel respected. His apparent contempt for you is maybe a way of getting back at you.
You have to be honest with each other and make a decision to stay and work on it, BOTH of you, see how it goes then decide whether you want to nuke your marriage and family because you do not have romantic feelings.
You could leave, meet someone else who will have a host of other problems requiring you to fix.


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