# Am I expecting too much?



## ChronicBlues (Sep 10, 2010)

Hello,

I have known my husband for 17 yrs and been married for 14 yrs. We dated off and on before getting married. By "off and on", I mean we dated-broke up for a year, got back together-broke up for 6 months and then got back together. For me there was never a physical attraction, just an emotional one. I would describe him as honest, reliable and practical. I know he genuinely cares about me. The problem is I've become increasingly more depressed about the lack of physical attraction. We've never had much of a sex life, maybe once or twice a year and its been over a year and a half since the last time. We don't have children. 

I feel like life is passing me by and I'm missing out on joy,spontenaity and passion. We've been through counseling in the past but nothing has changed the way I feel. I want to be happy. I want to look forward to going home each night after work. I want to laugh and have fun. I just get so sad when I think about how he'd react to me wanting to leave.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Seriously, you're not asking too much. The physical difference between a relationship with your spouse and one with anyone else in the world is the intimacy you share through sex. I honestly don't feel a sexless relationship between a married couple will ever work. I think women may get more emotional intimacy from sex than men while men get more physical but overall both receive emotional and physical intimacy from sex and it is crucial.

I have been married 14 years and known my husband 16 years so this time aspect is similar to you. We've had major ups and downs as well but our sex life has always stuck at 3-4 times per week except for a few weeks after the birth of our children. It is so important and tied to how close I feel to him.

I would suggest asking him if you can both just lay together and touch one another and start this way. Ask him to be honest about his fantasies, his emotional/physical needs and share your own. Get honest and ask for some honesty in return. If nothing works and he shows little response, you deserve a chance at finding someone who will love and share their life with you. If that is what you long for then you should separate and take it from there.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, why did you marry a guy you didn't find attractive or have real passion for? The "honest, reliable, practical" resume suggests you chose security over passion. Now, apparently passion is important to you. What changed?


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Seriously, you're not asking too much. The physical difference between a relationship with your spouse and one with anyone else in the world is the intimacy you share through sex. I honestly don't feel a sexless relationship between a married couple will ever work. I think women may get more emotional intimacy from sex than men while men get more physical but overall both receive emotional and physical intimacy from sex and it is crucial.
> 
> I have been married 14 years and known my husband 16 years so this time aspect is similar to you. We've had major ups and downs as well but our sex life has always stuck at 3-4 times per week except for a few weeks after the birth of our children. It is so important and tied to how close I feel to him.
> 
> I would suggest asking him if you can both just lay together and touch one another and start this way. Ask him to be honest about his fantasies, his emotional/physical needs and share your own. Get honest and ask for some honesty in return. If nothing works and he shows little response, you deserve a chance at finding someone who will love and share their life with you. If that is what you long for then you should separate and take it from there.


I think what she is saying that she is still not attracted to him but is looking for a sex life and doesn't think she will find it with him. it isn't him, it's her (or at least that's how I read it.)


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The question is...why do you have a basically nonexistent sex life? Is it due to your lack of physical attraction to him? Is it due to something else? 

If it's from your lack of attraction...well, there's really nothing you can do about that. If you're not attracted, there's really nothing that can change that. And if that's the case, then you'd both be better off ending things and finding others with whom you can be happy. 

If it's something else, you might be able to work it out. If it's hormonal for one or both of you, seeing a doctor and possibly getting treatment can often resolve that. If there are other relationship issues that are affecting the sex life, resolving those can help. 

The key is figuring out what is causing the lack of sex.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I feel bad for the husband. 1-2 times a year sexually. I wouldn't put up with that. Imagine what the man feels if you feel frustration for 14 years.


----------



## stillalive (Sep 9, 2010)

My husband and I have been married 15 years and the sex is one of the most important aspects. We have gotten thru some very rough times and we are currently going thru a very rough time and honestly sex has kept us together thru the hard times. Maybe you should really try to initiate physical contact, even if it isn't sex, but by holding hands, touching his chest, rub his feet. Start getting physical and maybe things will progress from there. Start thinking about having sex with him and plan to do it soon. Since you don't have children (which is another glue to a marriage) it is more important to find sexual satisfaction. I hope this is an option, be patient and consistant in touching him and see what happens. Does he respond to your touches? You may be pleasantly surprised.


----------



## ChronicBlues (Sep 10, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> So, why did you marry a guy you didn't find attractive or have real passion for? The "honest, reliable, practical" resume suggests you chose security over passion. Now, apparently passion is important to you. What changed?


Yes, I did choose security over passion when I married. I thought I could learn to live without it. I've come to realize through counseling that I've been starving that part of me. I don't want to look back at my life and regret what could've been.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think what she is saying that she is still not attracted to him but is looking for a sex life and doesn't think she will find it with him. it isn't him, it's her (or at least that's how I read it.)


Yeah I missed that. Durrr. Sucks for the husband basically.


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

You lived without feeling physical attraction toward your husband for 17 years, and are you complaining now for lack of sex? Why now?
Why you didn't divorce him years ago, or now you are again broke, and he can't support you like he used to?
Sincerely, maybe you are not asking for too much, but it doesn't look like you loved him, and he didn't love you back.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Yes, I did choose security over passion when I married.





> For me there was never a physical attraction,





> and its been over a year and a half since the last time. We don't have children.


Unless I didn't get the memo, you do understand that to have children. . .you have to have sex?

Ahhhh. . .well. . .you aren't get a lot of approval here for the choices you made. . .but. . .but. . .he put up with you for that long too. . .so on some level, he's getting something out it too. 

I am not sure what. 

A frigid wife to come home to who craves his financial security? A wife who's practical? Maybe even just a person to call his wife on a social level (like I suspect of the Clintons). Not sure. . .but at a year and a half, it sounds like this marriage is unconsummated and therefore totally invalid.

What you have is some sort of legal partnership, not a marriage. 

Whether you want to dissolve it is totally up to you. 

I would say though it would be totally morally wrong of you though to go after him like one of the women from "1rst Wives Club" and take him for what he's worth.

I know a lot of women see marriage as an "insurance policy" - like. . ."Well, if it doesn't work out. . .there's always alimony and/or child support I can cash in on." 

The laws have changed on that for the better for the most part but I'll admit as a guy they haven't totally evolved.

Good luck.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I have to say too (and I am not badgering you, because I appreciate you sharing. . .thank you). . .that I am petrified of women like you, knowing that they are out there.

I think my stb-x married me, not for security so much (I think a little) but she thought I would be a good father. We did have our passion at the beginning though but I look back and I can see now much clearer she probably didn't want to marry me but thought she should "move along" with having kids and she had me on her line, so. . .she married me.

Women like you (and my stb-x) are the reason I am doing a pre-nup. no matter how head over heels in love I am with the next woman.

I don't care if she's a 22 year old supermodel. . .well. . .maybe I'll be stupid if she's a 22 year old supermodel


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Personally, I know of some great marriages that are great because of the feelings of security. Physical attraction isn't everything. However, if it is something that bothers either person in the relationship, then it probably can't work. Both people in the marriage have to be on the same page.


----------



## ChronicBlues (Sep 10, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I have to say too (and I am not badgering you, because I appreciate you sharing. . .thank you). . .that I am petrified of women like you, knowing that they are out there.
> 
> I think my stb-x married me, not for security so much (I think a little) but she thought I would be a good father. We did have our passion at the beginning though but I look back and I can see now much clearer she probably didn't want to marry me but thought she should "move along" with having kids and she had me on her line, so. . .she married me.
> 
> ...


I have no interest in financial gain from this marriage. I wouldn't ask for alimony and have no desire to "go after him" for all he's worth. We never had kids because neither of us wanted any. 
What I'm trying to figure out is how to tell him how I feel.


----------

