# Is my husband cheating on me?



## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

Is my husband cheating on me when he let his ex-wife and her girlfriend live with us for 2 years now? They are good friends and they sleep in different rooms. I still not comfortable about his exwife and her girlfriend living with us. They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Ask yourself one question..."why are they ex-wives?" And why are there no boundaries in your marriage? Also, why does your husband feel the need to care for this "friend" that came along? What's with that?


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us. I do not allow that but he ignore me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Adorable81 said:


> They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us. I do not allow that but he ignore me.


It's one thing to show care and compassion for others who have been part of your life, like he did, but I can only see that as being a *short*-term thing (perhaps a couple of months). You provide no information to form an opinion on whether he cheated with his ex, though. And you DID allow him to take them in, because you stayed even when he did so over your objections. Of course, you can still move out or file for divorce if you think he has crossed a line you can't accept.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Ask yourself one question..."why are they ex-wives?" And why are there no boundaries in your marriage? Also, why does your husband feel the need to care for this "friend" that came along? What's with that?


That's at least three questions :wink2:


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Adorable81 said:


> Is my husband cheating on me when he let his ex-wife and her girlfriend live with us for 2 years now? They are good friends and they sleep in different rooms. I still not comfortable about his exwife and her girlfriend living with us. They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us.


Sounds like lesbians, so probably not. Just saying.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Two YEARS seems a bit long for his "help" here. Do they not yet have jobs? How are they contributing to the house? You may want to get a few VARs and plant them around to find out what is going on in your home.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i don't think this is right, even if you 'allowed it'.

it's great and compassionate to take someone in, but it's playing with big fire. not at the expense of your marriage.

i wouldn't take them in at all. maybe try to help them by finding a woman's shelter, set them up through church, or some other charitable group.
government assistance. your marriage comes first. charity second.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

They need these things:-

1) A date by which they will leave your house.
2) A job to go to.
3) Somewhere else to live.

And that's it.

If your husband does not understand what he is doing is wrong, then I'm not sure what else to say.

Three women in the house, one he used to have sex with, one he does and another one he doesn't? 

This seems like some men's ideal fantasy, three women living with him.

This is a freaky dynamic. Anything else you could tell us to help us answer your questions?

Is he cheating on you? I don't know, but he is not being a good husband.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is one reason why I would always be concerned if the guy had a very needy ex. If a guy wants to be a knight in shining armor, then he needs to stay that way without me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Adorable81 said:


> Is my husband cheating on me when he let his ex-wife and her girlfriend live with us for 2 years now? They are good friends and they sleep in different rooms. I still not comfortable about his exwife and her girlfriend living with us. They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us.





Adorable81 said:


> They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us. I do not allow that but he ignore me.


First, I don't think that your husband is cheating on you. Is he being disrespectful to his current wife? Possibly.

There may be more to the story that you are telling us. For example how long were they married and what was the reason they divorced? 

He may have truly loved her and still feels a need to protect her from homelessness. A lot of homeless people drift into drugs, prostitution and bad things happen to them. It is a very unhealthy lifestyle full of danger and possible death. Even if he once loved her, he ended up divorcing her. The reason for the divorce is something you should know. 

He has chosen you to be his wife, so you are definitely the one he now loves. But if they had a child together or if she decided after years of marriage that she preferred having sex with women and it was nothing to do with their relationship, then you should find that out.

Now, it two years too long? Yes, there comes a point there helping someone becomes enabling. 

Is it appropriate for you to talk to your H and tell him that you are concerned. That you value his humanity and compassion, but that two years is more of "enabling" bad lifestyle choices as opposed to helping his ex. Maybe see if the local Salvation Army or Church group has any homeless services or skill building. Then talk to you H about helping his Ex get on her feet, but not in a way that is enabling her to sponge off of him at the expense of your marriage to him.

Good luck. I suspect that there is a lot more to this story than has been said.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Ask yourself one question..."why are they ex-wives?" And why are there no boundaries in your marriage? Also, why does your husband feel the need to care for this "friend" that came along? What's with that?


They lost jobs and become homeless that's why he allow them to live with us.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Two YEARS seems a bit long for his "help" here. Do they not yet have jobs? How are they contributing to the house? You may want to get a few VARs and plant them around to find out what is going on in your home.


I tried help them find jobs but they seem not want go to work so my husband and I been argue about give them deadline to move out but my husband not want to throw them out of our house.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> i don't think this is right, even if you 'allowed it'.
> 
> it's great and compassionate to take someone in, but it's playing with big fire. not at the expense of your marriage.
> 
> ...


I did offer them stay at shelter but they not want to stay there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't know if he is cheating so much as letting them take advantage of both of you. His primary role is to be your provider not theirs.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> They need these things:-
> 
> 1) A date by which they will leave your house.
> 2) A job to go to.
> ...


well I think my husband just want his exwife to be happy than me that sound like he is cheating on me.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> First, I don't think that your husband is cheating on you. Is he being disrespectful to his current wife? Possibly.
> 
> There may be more to the story that you are telling us. For example how long were they married and what was the reason they divorced?
> 
> ...


His exwife want divorce and left my husband because she become lesbian.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Adorable81 said:


> His exwife want divorce and left my husband because she become lesbian.


Oh. I see.

They still need to get out of your house, however.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'd try to get some VARs and plant them around the house -- you may find out what is going on when you are not around....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Adorable81 said:


> His exwife want divorce and left my husband because she become lesbian.


She might be a part time lesbian.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Adorable81 said:


> I tried help them find jobs but they seem not want go to work so my husband and I been argue about give them deadline to move out but my husband not want to throw them out of our house.


I'm sorry you are in this situation. You don't have to live like this. You cannot make them leave, but you can leave. You are allowing this to happen by staying in this situation.

Do you have a job?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Sounds like the ex is not a really healthy individual. Okay, I get she is a lesbian (Or so she claims..) but she found this out in her marriage how? Most likely, it was infidelity. Also, she allows her life and well being to deteriorate into homelessness and poverty.... Lots of people lose jobs, but rarely have the wherewithal to move back in with an ex....

You are right to question motive and boundaries. Be sure you communicate with your husband. You are an equal partner in this relationship. And some guns need to be stuck too....


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Sounds like the ex is not a really healthy individual. Okay, I get she is a lesbian (Or so she claims..) but she found this out in her marriage how? Most likely, it was infidelity. Also, she allows her life and well being to deteriorate into homelessness and poverty.... Lots of people lose jobs, but rarely have the wherewithal to move back in with an ex....
> 
> You are right to question motive and boundaries. Be sure you communicate with your husband. *You are an equal partner in this relationship.* And some guns need to be stuck too....


No she's not.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm sorry you are in this situation. You don't have to live like this. You cannot make them leave, but you can leave. You are allowing this to happen by staying in this situation.
> 
> Do you have a job?


My husband and I own house that's why more harder for me and him argue about kick his exwife out of our house. It not fair if I leave my house when his ex-wife still stay in our house.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband should be putting your happiness above his ex wife's happiness. Have you been to a lawyer to find out what your legal rights are as to kicking the two of them out yourself?

If your husband refuses to kick them out, and will not let you kick them out either (via a lawyer) do you even want to stay married to him?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Adorable81 said:


> My husband and I own house that's why more harder for me and him argue about kick his exwife out of our house. It not fair if I leave my house when his ex-wife still stay in our house.


Don't leave. Pack their bags and tell them to leave. If your husband does not like it, he can file for divorce and buy you out of the house.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Adorable81 said:


> My husband and I own house that's why more harder for me and him argue about kick his exwife out of our house. It not fair if I leave my house when his ex-wife still stay in our house.


No it's not fair. None of this is fair. But you cannot control anyone except yourself. If you cannot take it any longer, you can leave. Or you can file for divorce and everyone will eventually have to leave, because the house will be sold as part of the division of assets. You can stay in the home until it is sold. You can't kick him out and he can't kick you out, because it is both of your home. Unfortunately you cannot kick out the women who are living with you as long as they have your husband's permission to be there.

Probably the only chance you have of getting those women out of your house, keeping your house, and keeping your husband is to file for divorce. At that point your husband will be forced to decide whether to let his marriage go or to let go of his ex-wife and her girlfriend.

Probably what will happen is that he will blame it all on you and say you are being mean, unreasonable, etc. But there is an off chance that he will get them out of there in order to stay married to you.

There is a saying: You have to be willing to let go of a marriage to save it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> I'd try to get some VARs and plant them around the house -- you may find out what is going on when you are not around....


In some US states it is illegal to tape record a conversation without the consent of the parties being recorded. A VAR can if placed and found, can lead to serious legal problems.

The person who decides to place a VAR should know with absolute certainty the laws on recording conversations.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Adorable81 said:


> Is my husband cheating on me when he let his ex-wife and her girlfriend live with us for 2 years now? They are good friends and they sleep in different rooms. I still not comfortable about his exwife and her girlfriend living with us. They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us.


So why have they still not got jobs and somewhere to live after 2 years???? Thats quite long enough. There is no way I would put up with that.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Adorable81 said:


> Is my husband cheating on me when he let his ex-wife and her girlfriend live with us for 2 years now? They are good friends and they sleep in different rooms. I still not comfortable about his exwife and her girlfriend living with us. They lost jobs and become homeless so my husband let them live with us.


I would not allow this, at all. He may not be cheating now but this arrangement is bad, bad news in so many ways. You have to tell him to tell them to get their **** together and get out.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Don't know if he is cheating so much as letting them take advantage of both of you. His primary role is to be your provider not theirs.


I agree with you. We have 2 little kids. I and my kids come first than his exwife.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Don't leave. Pack their bags and tell them to leave. If your husband does not like it, he can file for divorce and buy you out of the house.


I agree with you but he is hard headed. I know it is ridiculous to get divorce because I cannot stand his exwife living in my house. I did offered a legal separation to him but he told me if I leave him then he would file divorce.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> So why have they still not got jobs and somewhere to live after 2 years???? Thats quite long enough. There is no way I would put up with that.


They quit their jobs in past. I guess they are lazy. His exwife have hard time finding jobs because she have crime background as problem addiction with pain medicines from many different doctors. My state law is trying to limit on patients about how much limit can eat pain medicines.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Adorable81 said:


> I agree with you but he is hard headed. I know it is ridiculous to get divorce because I cannot stand his exwife living in my house. I did offered a legal separation to him but he told me if I leave him then he would file divorce.


I do not know why you think you are not valuable enough to have a home of your own and be entirely removed from your H's ex wife and gf? This is a totally toxic environment for you and the kids. Your H is a POS who cannot get his act together. Why does he think he has responsibility for her? You have to leave him. Go see a lawyer and find out what are you best options. Leave him and let him divorce you, he will be doing you a big big favour.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Adorable81 said:


> ... but he told me if I leave him then he would file divorce.


And that would be bad because.....?


That's not a marriage.


You're living in a free love commune.


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And that would be bad because.....?
> 
> 
> That's not a marriage.
> ...


Do you mean that my husband is acting like he is single and not care about me?


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

aine said:


> I do not know why you think you are not valuable enough to have a home of your own and be entirely removed from your H's ex wife and gf? This is a totally toxic environment for you and the kids. Your H is a POS who cannot get his act together. Why does he think he has responsibility for her? You have to leave him. Go see a lawyer and find out what are you best options. Leave him and let him divorce you, he will be doing you a big big favour.


What is POS? He just worry not want her to be homeless. I don't care if his exwife is homeless or not. It not our problems to worry about her life because they were divorced. What you mean he will be doing big favor for me?


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## Adorable81 (May 29, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> No it's not fair. None of this is fair. But you cannot control anyone except yourself. If you cannot take it any longer, you can leave. Or you can file for divorce and everyone will eventually have to leave, because the house will be sold as part of the division of assets. You can stay in the home until it is sold. You can't kick him out and he can't kick you out, because it is both of your home. Unfortunately you cannot kick out the women who are living with you as long as they have your husband's permission to be there.
> 
> Probably the only chance you have of getting those women out of your house, keeping your house, and keeping your husband is to file for divorce. At that point your husband will be forced to decide whether to let his marriage go or to let go of his ex-wife and her girlfriend.
> 
> ...


I never heard of any married man would let his ex wife live with them. No one is same my weird situation. I think most divorced couples not become good friends after they were divorced. Why my husband still good friends with his exwife after their sons already be grown adults now? I guess my husband still have feelings about his ex-wife.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Adorable81 said:


> I never heard of any married man would let his ex wife live with them. No one is same my weird situation. I think most divorced couples not become good friends after they were divorced. Why my husband still good friends with his exwife after their sons already be grown adults now? I guess my husband still have feelings about his ex-wife.


From what you have described, I agree that your husband has feelings for his ex-wife. He has probably always loved her and his heart was broken when she left him. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but clearly he is putting her before you in a particularly harsh manner. But you are allowing it by staying in this situation.

I think what you don't understand is that you cannot make anyone do the right thing. You cannot make your husband tell his ex and her lover to leave your home. Your husband is in control of himself and you are in control of yourself. Your husband is mistreating you and he continues to do so despite your protestations. The only way you are going to get out of of this situation is if you leave your husband. Either you divorce him and stay in the home until the court orders the split of assets and the house to be sold or you leave him now and go your own way without taking care of the legal aspects of the situation.

What you are doing right now isn't working. Since you can only control yourself, you are responsible for taking care of your needs. If someone is disrespecting and mistreating you, it is your responsibility to make a change to get out of the situation that is causing you distress. It doesn't matter what your husband should or should not do or what is or is not fair. Should and fair don't make things happen. People make things happen.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So lets frame this another way. You have 2 children that you didn't make or anticipate taking care of in this home. Oh, and by the way...They are addicts. Hubby is a cake eater to the max. He gets his loving wife, and kinky ex with drug problem with co dependency issues. 

You ma'am, are in infidelity. And you need to get out of it. Your husband is giving attention, money and security to another lady... Think about it. Your two little ones are getting what from him? And how are they doing well with addicts and dead beats in the house? 

Get out. Have him pay for child support, atleast you will have a known integer going forward with the care of your kids....If he wants to support his ex, he does it on his own time and dime....


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Adorable81 said:


> They lost jobs and become homeless that's why he allow them to live with us.


So now that it's been way too long - give them a date of when to move out!

Like this Friday!!! And tell your H if they don't move - you will!

Handing anyone free living situations isn't healthy. They need to work and pay their own way!

Or is your H getting money from them he hasn't told you about?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Adorable81 said:


> They quit their jobs in past. I guess they are lazy. His exwife have hard time finding jobs because she have crime background as problem addiction with pain medicines from many different doctors. My state law is trying to limit on patients about how much limit can eat pain medicines.


So he is disrespecting you. 

And he's helping her to stay sick.


Get rid of him! He's doing life backwards!


Do you work full time? If not, get full time work and move out! This isn't a marriage it's a circus.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You can disallow this... YOU can kick her out and he can go too and keep them all in hotel room. Seriously... Use a voice recorder and if things get out of hand you can call the police with the proof and ask him to be escorted till you can get a restraining order. Get him out and the women will follow him. THEN when he crawls back you can just let him in if you feel you can work it out. But you need to get your arse of a husband OUT of the house because he sure wont put those women out. 

you need to get a back bone here. He does not run the show. CHANGE the locks. Throw their stuff out of the house... You have a choice in this and what you have chosen to do is cower and shrink from your husband because he must be scary. If he is scary then get a restraining order on him. He cant listen to you because he does not respect you. People respect consequences, if you give him a dose of discipline and maybe after his rage at you standing up for yourself has blown out of his body like hot air then he may grow to respect you. 

We teach people how to treat us. You taught your husband that you could be bullied... Teach him a new lesson.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@threelittlestars, Oh if the world worked that way, but it doesn't. You cannot kick someone out of their own home. If she changed the locks on him that would be considered abuse and she would be the one in legal trouble.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

If he verbally or physically attacks her on audio then she can get him out of the house. He can stay the night in the slammer and then SHE can kick those women out. 

Yes, some of the things she could do could hurt her legally. But some things he could do could hurt him legally. I am advising entrapment. MAYBE not the most moral or rightious path... But its a way many people do and succeed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Adorable81 you mentioned the state you are in, presumably that is a state in the USA?

You need to meet with a lawyer to learn about your legal rights.

Are you from a different country? If so, did you take US citizenship? Do you have family nearby who could help you?

It's odd that your husband is allowing his ex-wife to stay with you for two years, but is willing (eager, almost?) to divorce you if you dare to call him on his nonsense and ask for a separation?


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