# Your inlaws



## highwood

SO how do you get along with your inlaws, do you love them, hate them, neutral toward them...

I find with my MIL, neutral...which I think would surprise a lot in H's family because everyone seems to think she is an angel on earth. I guess for me I have seen a sharp edge to her by little comments she has made to me in the past. Plus I felt like her grandchildren fromher daughters were given more attention, etc. 

I just don't feel toward her like some people I have known about their MIL's...they adore them and would do anything for them. Myself I feel neutral towards her. One time on SIL's facebook she wrote something about her mother about how she is the kindest, sweetest, more generous Mother of all time...and I was thinking really??? I could not even "like" her post...I am sure SIL noticed that but I don't care.


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## Ursula

I have a MIL and SIL, and I used to hate MIL. We got along GREAT until H and I got engaged, and then she did a 180-degree, and started treating me like garbage. It took a couple years, and a few breakdown on my part to H, the last breakdown being pretty big. I think he must've said something to her at that point about being nicer to me. I now get along with her OK. I wouldn't invite her out to lunch with just the 2 of us, but now when I see her number on caller ID, I can answer it and talk to her for awhile. SIL is very mentally ill, doesn't work and doesn't have a car, so we don't see her often. We are on decent terms, but because she's so sick and isn't able to get together due to that and her size, we don't have a close relationship. She also tends to brag about her mental illnesses and her rapes, which I can't really relate to, and don't understand why a person would brag about things like that. So yeah, that's that!


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## GTdad

Mixed bag. I think my FIL is one of the greatest guys I know, and can barely tolerate being around my neurotic MIL. I already know that if something happens to my FIL, she and her plethora of medical and psychological problems are likely going to be living with us, and I honestly don't know how well I'm going to deal. Not well, I suspect. But I married their only daughter, so I pretty much know that we're winding up with her.

Two BILs I get along fine with, and another BIL I feel pretty neutral-tending-towards-antipathy about.


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## Married but Happy

None of her family live nearby, so that probably helps! My MIL is great, and I even enjoy having her come to visit for a week in the winter. SIL and her daughters are fine too. FIL (divorced from MIL and in another marriage) is something of a sanctimonious jerk, but I get along with him alright - just don't want to see him any more than can be avoided, and it's usually avoidable. Aside from him, the rest of my wife's family are great, and her kids are okay. We're actually all going on a trip together to Europe this fall for a few weeks.


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## highwood

FIL I am neutral on as well....he caused some issues for H and I especially in the first 15 years as he was always hitting up H and his brother for money, loans, etc. He wanted to work for himself but wanted his kids to help him do that as he lost the farm and had bad credit. It caused many a fight among H and I, to this day when I see his number on our call display I get that sick feeling in my stomach and the thought of what does he want, even though he has not bothered us for money in many years.

Regarding MIL, one time that sticks out for me is when my son was about 8 and he was in summer swimming lessons and one day we were leavingthe pool and SIL who lived in the same community comes walkingup the pool sidewalk with MIL there to watch her son in lessons and I thought okay well I am sure if she comes again one day she will phone us to see if she can come to the pool earlier to watch her other grandson. I mentioned this to H when I got home and he was tickedoff and said boy she can come and watch SIL's kids and I DEFENDED her I said well she did not know. So a week later guess what, leaving the pool and there she is again with SIL, she did not contact us to see if she can come and watch her other grandchild nope she just showed up with SIL to watch her son. I was angry and hurt.

I mentioned it to H and instead of him being ticked he turns it around on me and says well maybe she did not get an invitation from us so that is why...it is like okay, I guess when I told him why can't you ask your mom why she can't come and watch our boy that freaked him out and he does not want to confront the angel from heaven (MIL) so it was easier to get mad at me instead.
That is one thing that has caused issues with H and I over the years, I always felt that it was easier for him to get mad at me instead of his parents because I dared say something at times to him about his parents. I guess when his old man was phoning us and asking us for money, I was supposed to have a big smile on my face and be like awww isn't that nice he wants money from us (BAER) He even asked his brother when his brothers wife was 5 months pregnant, he thought all of his kids would put in 3000 each for some venture that FIL wanted to try.

Nobody will ever say anything to dear sweet MIL because she would start crying and then he would have his sisters all mad at him, because she can do no friggin wrong.


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## Married but Happy

As for my ex-MIL, she was a sweet lady and I really liked her, but she avoided any kind of conflict, disagreement, or even negative news. She pretended everything was fine, even if it meant sticking her fingers in her ears and humming. Ex-FIL was another sanctimonious jerk, but did have a humorous side - but we got along fairly well most of the time. Ex-SIL was a hot mess, and best avoided - which was difficult given proximity and the number of family gatherings.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I'm pretty neutral towards both my MIL and FIL. They've always been very kind to me however I really struggle with their negativity and how they look down upon quite a few folks (that's how I perceive it anyways). I don't have a whole lot of respect for my FIL because he doesn't lift a finger to help cook, clean, etc. My MIL was talking about a few weeks ago how she was trying to teach him how to crack an egg. A 70 something man doesn't know how to crack an egg? It blows my mind. I think she enables it BIG TIME and I have a hard time with that as well. However. . . . . I do think that they would help me (us?) if we needed it. If I wasn't with my husband, I have no doubt that they would NOT have any contact with me. I just never really connected with the MIL at all.


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## highwood

I often wonder if it is normal for a MIL to favor her grandkids from her daughters over her grandkids from her DIL????


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## Jessica38

This is a tough one for me. My MIL really upset me after we had children. She started trying to tell me what to do, how to raise them, what I should be doing in my marriage. Looking back, I can say that while she definitely tried to pull some passive-aggressive stuff with me, it really is all on me because I should have had better boundaries with her initially. I was blind sighted and didn't expect it so now that I do, we have a distant relationship and that's ok with me.

She taught me a lot about personal boundaries.


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## Jessica38

highwood said:


> I often wonder if it is normal for a MIL to favor her grandkids from her daughters over her grandkids from her DIL????


Not in our case. My husband was her Golden Child. I think the MIL issue is as old as time and I'm sure it must be difficult for many moms to give up their sons to other women and take the sidelines after decades of pouring your heart and soul into them (which my MIL did). I'm going to try to do my best to not interfere with my own DILs down the road.


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## highwood

Jessica38 said:


> Not in our case. My husband was her Golden Child. I think the MIL issue is as old as time and I'm sure it must be difficult for many moms to give up their sons to other women and take the sidelines after decades of pouring your heart and soul into them (which my MIL did). I'm going to try to do my best to not interfere with my own DILs down the road.


I could see myself as a grandmother taking more initiative...I think with her is she has to be asked, she will not take the incentive herself.


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## highwood

I think too that there tends to be more issues between DIL/MIL than FIL/SIL for sure.


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## peacem

highwood said:


> I often wonder if it is normal for a MIL to favor her grandkids from her daughters over her grandkids from her DIL????


Not normal but I also don't think it is uncommon. My MIL only has time and energy for 1 grandchild at a time (she has 6). This lasts up until they let her down and she moves her attention to the next (exactly the same way she did with her own children). My daughter is now golden granddaughter, and oddly enough I don't like it. Life was better when we were marginalized, now she is needy and clingy and crossing boundaries with high expectations. It also causes problems between cousin relationships as well as siblings. But she won't change.

My FIL is a fairly nice man and I think independent of his wife we would get on well - we have much in common. But he gets enmeshed into the drama and those moments of connection and respect are fleeting.


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## soccermom2three

I could probably write a book on this subject when it comes to my in-laws. There are so many reasons why my husband and I barely tolerate my in-laws and only interact when we absolutely have to. We think my FIL has some type of mental illness, maybe a personality disorder. My MIL is a product of living with my FIL for 50 years. She's extremely passive aggressive and a liar. I do wonder how she was before she married my FIL. She has spent the last 50+ years walking on eggshells. I'm sure that would change anyone's personality.


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## ChargingCharlie

My MIL and FIL are nice people and very generous - they also don't stick their nose in our business. 

BIL is a good guy - he's always looking to help us, and he busts his hump helping his parents (they're old and don't get around too well anymore). His wife is great as well. 

SIL is nothing more than a drama queen and a mooch - she feels the need to let everyone know about all of the drama in her life and also lets everyone know that nothing is ever her fault. It's always the fault of an ex-husband, or her boss, or someone at the store. She also owes us several thousand $, but my wife won't tell her to pay us back (wife is afraid of her for some reason). She has also made a total ass of herself at parties with our friends - it's to the point when people see her they go the other way. Her beau is a creep who nobody likes, but his sole redeeming quality is that he keeps her out of our hair (she lives a couple of hours away).


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## TX-SC

I get along great with my inlaws. I'm a southern ******* (though an educated one), and they are laid back California folks. Her dad and step mom fly fish and I join them sometimes when visiting. Her sisters are nice too. Heck, her whole family is nice. Granted, we have different lifestyles, but I love them as family. 

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## As'laDain

I also get along great with my inlaws. 

My mother though, not so much.


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## jb02157

It's hard to remember but there was actually a time that I did get along with my in-laws. In fact, I was invited to dinner with the family every night until we got married. I thought everything was going to go well. I actually got along better with them then my own family. Then the **** hit the fan. Soon AFTER the wedding, my wife announced that she had no intention of helping me with the expenses of the family and instead expected to quit her job and be a SAHM. We talked about this at length BEFORE the wedding and she said she fully intended to work and help out. I suddenly felt I had been scammed. 

Instead of the friendly treatment I got before by the in-laws, I was all of the sudden "Mr. *******". I was never again invited to a meal at their house and was told that I better make more money if my marriage was going to survive and I also was EXPECTED to buy a house. I didn't make much back then and all I had money for was a small house several towns over from the in-laws. This however was not acceptable. It wasn't big enough for "their daughter". Meanwhile my wife's cousin married a millionaire who I was constantly compared to: he was great and I sucked. The only time I was invited over was at holiday get together's where I would be publicly ridiculed for how "poor" I was. I starting hating Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's how things went until FIL suddenly passed away and we had to move cross country because my wife got me fired at my job. I however retained the title of Mr. ******* by MIL because I "purposefully moved the family away" from her.


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## peacem

jb02157 said:


> It's hard to remember but there was actually a time that I did get along with my in-laws. In fact, I was invited to dinner with the family every night until we got married. I thought everything was going to go well. I actually got along better with them then my own family. Then the **** hit the fan. Soon AFTER the wedding, my wife announced that she had no intention of helping me with the expenses of the family and instead expected to quit her job and be a SAHM. We talked about this at length BEFORE the wedding and she said she fully intended to work and help out. I suddenly felt I had been scammed.
> 
> Instead of the friendly treatment I got before by the in-laws, I was all of the sudden "Mr. *******". I was never again invited to a meal at their house and was told that I better make more money if my marriage was going to survive and I also was EXPECTED to buy a house. I didn't make much back then and all I had money for was a small house several towns over from the in-laws. This however was not acceptable. It wasn't big enough for "their daughter". Meanwhile my wife's cousin married a millionaire who I was constantly compared to: he was great and I sucked. The only time I was invited over was at holiday get together's where I would be publicly ridiculed for how "poor" I was. I starting hating Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's how things went until FIL suddenly passed away and we had to move cross country because my wife got me fired at my job. I however retained the title of Mr. ******* by MIL because I "purposefully moved the family away" from her.


Good grief our in laws do sound alike.

When we were engaged I found a lovely house to rent that was in the next village, it was a friend of my mothers so got it at a knockdown price, we both earned about the same (_how can my son possibly afford that! You are taking advantage of him!_). A year later we bought a small cottage (not good enough, made of brick, garden not big enough, I was tying him down with a mortgage). Then we had our first baby and we *both* wanted me to be a SAHM (_you are taking advantage of him, its not fair! _). Before this she had complained about women who go out to work and that the children suffer for it - she hasn't worked a day in her married life. 

Whatever I do for my husband is never good enough. She quizzes him about birthday presents and always complains that its not much. Holidays are never good enough either - she blames everything on me being a SAHM and us not having enough money. But the reality is we are very well off, so much so that my husband recently went part-time so we could raise our disabled child together. 

I am lucky in that my husband is aware of what she is like, that she is manipulative and everything she says has an agenda.


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## jb02157

peacem said:


> Good grief our in laws do sound alike.
> 
> When we were engaged I found a lovely house to rent that was in the next village, it was a friend of my mothers so got it at a knockdown price, we both earned about the same (_how can my son possibly afford that! You are taking advantage of him!_). A year later we bought a small cottage (not good enough, made of brick, garden not big enough, I was tying him down with a mortgage). Then we had our first baby and we *both* wanted me to be a SAHM (_you are taking advantage of him, its not fair! _). Before this she had complained about women who go out to work and that the children suffer for it - she hasn't worked a day in her married life.
> 
> Whatever I do for my husband is never good enough. She quizzes him about birthday presents and always complains that its not much. Holidays are never good enough either - she blames everything on me being a SAHM and us not having enough money. But the reality is we are very well off, so much so that my husband recently went part-time so we could raise our disabled child together.
> 
> I am lucky in that my husband is aware of what she is like, that she is manipulative and everything she says has an agenda.


I'm just glad I don't have to deal with them anymore. Meanwhile our marriage remains the broken mess it was after we moved. I only wish I had enough money to divorce her.


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## peacem

jb02157 said:


> I'm just glad I don't have to deal with them anymore. Meanwhile our marriage remains the broken mess it was after we moved. I only wish I had enough money to divorce her.


I didn't want to say anything because it's not my place, but now you have said that I was thinking that some of the **** is on her - she sounds enmeshed. Sorry you are going through that. :frown2:


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## eva8686

I do not hate them but I do not have a strong relationship with all of them...H has a stepmother (untrustworthy, gossipy 2-faced), biological mother (genuine, sweet and wonderful) and his father (a bit cuckoo..)..I absolutely adore his aunt and his grandmother is a sweetheart. His brothers both very different, one is very antisocial and the other has no social manners (ignorant, gossipy..kinda like his mother!) So really I have only chosen to build relationships with the aunt, grandma and the biological mum (who I consider my mil) the stepmother I feel will stop spoiling my children once her biological sons have their own. Fron stories Ive heard she was not a good stepmother and that's why I am weary of her and have a bad intuitive feelings from her. I also have an odd feelings towards the brother with bad social manners-he's spoken badly about me to my fil. I wish we were friends but I am so different I don't see that happening and I am not even close with the BIL girlfriend. Which I could care less about, I have a good family and friend support system that I don't need to convince others to love me when I just don't feel it...sometimes I am embaressed by them because my family is so close and loving that when they see how H family is I feel bad that they have had to associate with them..except the aunt and grandma, my family also loves them! But the brothers and stepmother, my family doesn't seem to like them either....

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## jasmine31

edit 
jasmine31


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## Miss Independent

@jasmine31 Your MIL is awesome!!! You're lucky 


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## frusdil

Ah inlaws...where do I begin? Rofl.

I've not spoken to any of my inlaws in over two years. I stepped right back. My husband still saw them very occasionally, but not lately. They disrespected a request when their granddaughter was in hospital back in January, and when my husband stood up to them over it they responded by not speaking to him since, including on his 50th birthday. He got a card in the mail and a text message. That's it. Not even a phone call. Utterly disgusting. That's their way of teaching him a lesson. 

Well, the jokes on them because he had some unsettling news from the doctor yesterday, and while I think he should tell them he said he doesn't want them to know. I was in two minds about reaching out to them about it, and I almost did but after talking with him more lastnight, I won't be telling them. He's adamant that he doesn't want them to know and as his wife, I have to respect his wishes.


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## Vinnydee

My inlaws had the decency to die a few years after my marriage plus we lived 2,000 miles away. My inlaws were abusive alcoholics that no one liked.


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## jasmine31

.......


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## jasmine31

As'laDain said:


> I also get along great with my inlaws.
> 
> My mother though, not so much.


^^^This
What Sir As'laDain said.

Happy weekend to you and your family Sir.


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