# Men, can you have respect for a cheap date?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Last night I triggered badly. My husband and I are traveling as he is on a business trip in the US and I am with him. Staying downtown in a city that is in desperate need of urban redevelopment, I figured out how to take the city bus to the shopping mall (the one with a TJ Maxx of course.....)

And at dinner, I then noticed a fair few new bites on my arm. This is, btw, a city in which my husband had worked in for about 5 years before he was transferred 10 years ago. Even then, he said he would have never have taken a city bus here. Only poor people do, and my use of the bus could be a possible source of these new bites on my arm and he was really surprised when he met me (this was in London), that I regularly took the bus.

Anyone who has followed my postings know that one of the many irksome aspects of his EA with another woman was his readiness to pay for her taxis even when he knew she was still looking and then dating other men.......... while leaving me at the bus stop and on a couple of occasions, the two of us waiting in the cold for a bus while a couple taxis go by.

Is it possible, Gentlemen, that the sheer act of being told "you must do this" with an implicit "or else" at the end of it can somehow make you both want to do it and see this woman in new, improved and above the others light to the point that you would like prioritise her?

Think back to your courting situations whether you were comparing women whom you were dating sequentially or simultaneously...... can accepting nothing less than dates in the which the man plans, pays, and either drives across town to pick up the date or he sends car service around make you want her even more?

Ladies, you can contribute your own experiences related to this matter.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Last night I triggered badly. My husband and I are traveling as he is on a business trip in the US and I am with him. Staying downtown in a city that is in desperate need of urban redevelopment, I figured out how to take the city bus to the shopping mall (the one with a TJ Maxx of course.....)
> 
> And at dinner, I then noticed a fair few new bites on my arm. This is, btw, a city in which my husband had worked in for about 5 years before he was transferred 10 years ago. Even then, he said he would have never have taken a city bus here. Only poor people do, and my use of the bus could be a possible source of these new bites on my arm and he was really surprised when he met me (this was in London), that I regularly took the bus.
> 
> ...


This would have absolutely no affect on me either way. If I wanted to do it for her, I would, and if I didn't, I wouldn't. I don't generally respond to implied or explicit threats.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Is it possible, Gentlemen, that the sheer act of being told "you must do this" with an implicit "or else" at the end of it can somehow make you both want to do it and see this woman in new, improved and above the others light to the point that you would like prioritise her?


I'm not sure I understand... do you mean that if she is insistent that it's her way or the highway? It would really, REALLY depend on the circumstances in those cases. I'd be worried she was a princess and would just as easily make up her own reason why I hadn't met her standards when it suited her, and leave anyway.



> Think back to your courting situations whether you were comparing women whom you were dating sequentially or simultaneously...... can accepting nothing less than dates in the which the man plans, pays, and either drives across town to pick up the date or he sends car service around make you want her even more?


This is why I said 'princess' above. I will do nice things and spend money to treat her well because I want to, not because I feel I have to in order to keep her. 

If she just sits back and lets me take care of everything - this can mean merely never having ideas of her own for what to do for dates - then I'll start to worry how much she actually likes me. Getting enthusiasm in return and 'OMG we should go do this' makes me feel desired by her.

Finally, a cheap date? You mean like a walk through a park, sit on a bench, hold each others hands, kiss, share thoughts? That's FREE, and is way better than shouting to be heard while buying overpriced drinks in a noisy bar.


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## Emren0316 (Oct 2, 2014)

Sorry to hear about the new bites on your arm. I feel that any relationship should hold respect for both parties. Have you thought about sharing with him how you feel?

((Hugs and Love))

Emren0316


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Think ‘protector actions’. It’s complex and I’ve got no idea how women feel about it though it seems to work in the same gender specific way; That comfort level with what you’d be comfortable allowing your adult son to be doing alone versus your daughter. All that is based on what you know about your children and what they might or might not be comfortable doing (or where they are over-confident and just stubborn). 

And on the flip side, I think it varies in people how comfortable and secure they’d be in certain situations. So while you, with a history of buses, have a familiarity and comfort level, is not that OP. She might have had some bad impressions. And based on what you say about your husband, he might have some bad impressions in that city you were in where he doesn’t trust those busses there. 

What it comes down to. He probably wants to be the hero; all guys do. So if you express that you might need some security, he weighs it against his own impressions and thoughts and makes a choice. Sometimes, he’ll want to impress and ‘rescue you’ thus hopefully be rewarded with you seeing him as your hero. I’m sure that’s how he wanted his EA partner to see him. It’s also how he wants you to see him. 

And well… you. As he’s weighing in his head whether or not you need his protection, he probably knows your views about public transportation. So, getting the taxi instead, while nice, isn’t going to be seen as a ‘hero move’. You simply aren’t her, so you can’t compare the actions. Given his experience in that city, he’s probably going to be more critical of your over-confident nature about public transportation there. But still, you don’t fear the bus. While he probably wouldn’t have been upset if you took a taxi, it still isn’t a chance to ‘swoop in and rescue you’. 

So look elsewhere to seek out those ‘rescuer/protector’ actions. Maybe, like me, it’s just a knack to turn a bad day around for my wife by getting her to laugh a lot. That’s how I ‘save the day’ in my own head. 

It has nothing to do with my attraction towards you beyond you allowing me to ‘save the day’ and be a hero… That helps me feel more attractive about myself. There is no boilerplate ‘heroic’ action because it is two different people who’s need to be ‘rescued’ are not the same situations.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Anyone who has followed my postings know that one of the many irksome aspects of his EA with another woman was his readiness to pay for her taxis even when he knew she was still looking and then dating other men.......... while leaving me at the bus stop and on a couple of occasions, the two of us waiting in the cold for a bus while a couple taxis go by.
> 
> *Is it possible, Gentlemen, that the sheer act of being told "you must do this" with an implicit "or else" at the end of it can somehow make you both want to do it and see this woman in new, improved and above the others light to the point that you would like prioritise her?*


No, it's not the act of telling him "you must do this" that makes him respect you or want to please you. It's expecting better for yourself - having your own self-respect and self-confidence plus their existing desire to please you that makes the difference.

That means you take the taxi whether he offers it to you or not. Expect better for yourself than a flea-bitten bus ride. Give yourself better than a flea-bitten bus ride in a sketchy city where you are unaware of all the dangers.

If this is a work trip, most of it is being expensed so it's not costing anything for the room. You can afford a taxi, so take it when you need to. He'll see that you expect more and won't take less, and yes, that will change how he sees you. It won't make him want to go the extra mile to please you, though, if he already doesn't want to please you.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

TBH, I'm not entirely sure I understand what you're asking, but one question that I have is why does he get to determine how you travel on your excursions? Isn't it up to you to decide how you want to get there? And if not, why not?

I've taken a lot of buses in my day, but it was never because someone else expected me to....


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Is bush camping or going fishing a cheap date? My point, depends on what you think or perceive as a cheap date.

Then again, it is how it is perceived. If it bothers you communicate it productively.

I, myself, would rather go fishing then eat at some fancy restaurant. Bush camp rather than go to some fancy cabin but that's me. It is all about communicating your preferences. All about him hearing you not just listening to you...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

having sex on a rest stop bathroom sink with a woman you just met=cheap date


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> having sex on a rest stop bathroom sink with a woman you just met=cheap date


I think "cheap date" is relative. I was once actually called a cheap date.... as the guy was paying the bill for dinner. I'm not sure what I got wrong as I was reconnecting with someone I used to date before I was married at a time when bot of our marriages were collapsing. So, it was part of fling as well. 

In my situation with my husband when we were courting, should I have suggested a taxi? What if he didn't offer to pay? as I learned he was capable of doing for someone else. 

I just feel as this happens to me quite a bit........ you get too easygoing and people take advantage. My mother is like that. she puts out more effort to those who are more difficult to please.... Conclusion? Become more difficult / demanding.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Is bush camping or going fishing a cheap date? My point, depends on what you think or perceive as a cheap date.
> 
> Then again, it is how it is perceived. If it bothers you communicate it productively.
> 
> I, myself, would rather go fishing then eat at some fancy restaurant. Bush camp rather than go to some fancy cabin but that's me. It is all about communicating your preferences. All about him hearing you not just listening to you...


the issue here is what the guy offers without the woman having to ask for it. We girls are taught to reject insulting offers when in high school. For example, the last minute date....... as he may be calling because some other chick stood him up.....

I wonder what high school dating is like these days. Back in the 70s, there was still an expectation that the guy would pick you up. this of course favored those guys who afford their own car.

So you go to university trying to be a little bit more egalitarian. That's ok, we can meet at the cinema / restuarant / party....... Your date's on loans and scholarships, that's ok, we can go dutch........ Or even, it's anew day, I'll pay...... And then you hear that he's going out with someone else with whom he doesn't mind going into hock to see......... what an idiot you feel. 

Certainly for the time wasted. then it gets back to...... he's not that all interested if he's unable to be more forthcoming.

Yes, we women don't want to be stopgaps for you guys either. We would be better off spending our time AND money elsewhere.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

There is a saying, "People treat you the way you teach them to treat you."


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

norajane said:


> There is a saying, "People treat you the way you teach them to treat you."


Yes, I know this one very well. It is somewhat akin to "you are what you attract." Oh yes, tell that to the starving children in Africa.

There is a big difference between expecting common decency between two people and a woman expecting the princess treatment when she is dating. 

There seems to be an ebb and flow in the opinion as to how important it is for the guy to step up to the plate when it comes to dating. and just how generously that plate should loaded. as I mentioned before, dating then seems to only favor the rich boys. and of course, sometimes rich boys don't want to be dated for their money.

So, no, I don't have the common problems like domestic abuse for which your platitude is only capable of serving.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm struggling to understand this thread.

Anyways, cheap date? 

I would be a MASTER of cheap dates, not only that, I would respect a lady that appreciate simple things in life SO much more.

If she likes nature.......and I can wip out my charcoal grill or do a little picnic in the middle of nowhere and she goes along/enjoys it etc >>>>>>MAD RESPECT

NOW, if we are talking McDonalds and get between her legs, not much respect and DO NOT WANT.

Just me though


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Yes, I know this one very well. It is somewhat akin to "you are what you attract." Oh yes, tell that to the starving children in Africa.
> 
> There is a big difference between expecting common decency between two people and a woman expecting the princess treatment when she is dating.
> 
> ...


See what you did there? You taught me not to post in your thread anymore.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Racer said:


> Think ‘protector actions’. It’s complex and I’ve got no idea how women feel about it though it seems to work in the same gender specific way; That comfort level with what you’d be comfortable allowing your adult son to be doing alone versus your daughter. All that is based on what you know about your children and what they might or might not be comfortable doing (or where they are over-confident and just stubborn).
> 
> And on the flip side, I think it varies in people how comfortable and secure they’d be in certain situations. So while you, with a history of buses, have a familiarity and comfort level, is not that OP. She might have had some bad impressions. And based on what you say about your husband, he might have some bad impressions in that city you were in where he doesn’t trust those busses there.
> 
> ...



I like your nuanced response. That could be possible. But then I thought men preferred to date who were not basket cases. Also, in the US, I heard the expression "GU", that is "geographically undesirable"; ergo, someone who lives too faraway or perhaps in the "wrong" part of town. 

But also, taxi fares is just one part of dating costs in the ongoing discussion as to 1) who should pay /provide; and 2) when does it become meaningful? In comparison, for example, to how the guy treats other women.

Let's try to find something similar from the man's POV. Would you be upset if after 6 months / 1 year / longer of faithful dating of one woman, you have sex for the first time........ only to find out that this same woman has been quite capable of having sex with other men during shorter time frames and with less expectation of exclusivity.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I like your nuanced response. That could be possible. But then I thought men preferred to date who were not basket cases. Also, in the US, I heard the expression "GU", that is "geographically undesirable"; ergo, someone who lives too faraway or perhaps in the "wrong" part of town.


It depends on men's wants/needs.

Usually there are 2 things at play. Getting piece of ass or relationship material.

For #1 - anything flies
For #2 - we all approach it differently (and yes many men still approach #2 with #1.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: Men, can you have respect for a cheap date?*



NextTimeAround said:


> the issue here is what the guy offers without the woman having to ask for it. We girls are taught to reject insulting offers when in high school. For example, the last minute date....... as he may be calling because some other chick stood him up.....
> 
> I wonder what high school dating is like these days. Back in the 70s, there was still an expectation that the guy would pick you up. this of course favored those guys who afford their own car.
> 
> ...


I'm a woman, not a man.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

always_alone said:


> TBH, I'm not entirely sure I understand what you're asking..


me either.

Did your husband cheat on you? Did he pay his OW to use a taxi, but he is too cheap to give you taxi money? Is that what you are asking?

Hey, just take the frigin taxi. Tell him he is paying it or else.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> me either.
> 
> Did your husband cheat on you? Did he pay his OW to use a taxi, but he is too cheap to give you taxi money? Is that what you are asking?
> 
> Hey, just take the frigin taxi. Tell him he is paying it or else.


I am triggering from a time in which he had an EA and was not completely honest about it.

So I am asking how men decide whom they treat better and whom they treat less well ..... when there is a difference in treatment.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> So I am asking how men decide whom they treat better and whom they treat less well ..... when there is a difference in treatment.


I treat someone better because I want to. I need a reason to want to.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I am triggering from a time in which he had an EA and was not completely honest about it.
> 
> So I am asking how men decide whom they treat better and whom they treat less well ..... when there is a difference in treatment.


In your case he seems to have treated the OW better because he was excited by her newness. I don't know that it's any more complicated by that. He wanted to get laid and was in pursuit mode. When a man is in pursuit mode, he steps up. 

But I think Norajane is right too. He may have a standard of some sort that he thinks his woman should want too or live up and riding the bus may have not met his expectation of what a woman of his should want for herself.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

I am from a earlier generation but I have learned that you treat your woman with kindness and generosity. No, I did not learn that during my upbringing (I come from a very dysfunctional family) but somehow the "Treat your woman as you would want her to treat you" is part of my mantra.

I would not want MY woman to take transportation that could expose her to harm of any sort including bug bites; I would simply arrange something more safe and pay for it at whatever the cost may be. She is a woman that I respect and care for in all that she desires.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Let's try to find something similar from the man's POV. Would you be upset if after 6 months / 1 year / longer of faithful dating of one woman, you have sex for the first time........ only to find out that this same woman has been quite capable of having sex with other men during shorter time frames and with less expectation of exclusivity.


Of course. So would she.

Unless someone changed the phase they are in IE changed from "hookups and attraction" to waiting and "working on myself and waiting for 'the one'".

It could be you got with them at the wrong time.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ifweonly said:


> I am from a earlier generation but I have learned that you treat your woman with kindness and generosity. No, I did not learn that during my upbringing (I come from a very dysfunctional family) but somehow the "Treat your woman as you would want her to treat you" is part of my mantra.
> 
> I would not want MY woman to take transportation that could expose her to harm of any sort including bug bites; I would simply arrange something more safe and pay for it at whatever the cost may be. She is a woman that I respect and care for in all that she desires.


How would you deal with the type that if you treat her bad she treats you good, and if you treat her good she treats you badly?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> There seems to be an ebb and flow in the opinion as to how important it is for the guy to step up to the plate when it comes to dating. and just how generously that plate should loaded. as I mentioned before, dating then seems to only favor the rich boys. and of course, sometimes rich boys don't want to be dated for their money.


You seem to be trying to evaluate how you should be treated on some kind of societal norms. The bottom line is the guy either treats you the way you want to be treated or he doesn't. You don't adjust your expectations based on what's in vogue at the time. 

If you allow your husband to treat you poorly he will. He was offering more to affair partners because he knew they expected it.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> If you allow your husband to treat you poorly he will. He was offering more to affair partners because he knew they expected it.


Maritime hit the nail right on the head with the above. 

Real talk - your husband spoiled her in ways he doesn't spoil you because he knew that's what it would take to get in her pants. 

Also real talk - next time, take out your credit card and pay for the taxi yourself. Sucks about the bug bites, I am highly allergic and that would have me itching like crazy!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I am triggering from a time in which he had an EA and was not completely honest about it.
> 
> So I am asking how men decide whom they treat better and whom they treat less well ..... when there is a difference in treatment.


If this is just the straight up question the answer is you treat better who you like AND respect more.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

intheory said:


> NextTimeAround,
> 
> I hear you. I agree. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease". People who demand more, tend to get more.
> 
> ...


Super Awesome article and links in there. That is very good info, perfect for a forum like this.

Thank you very much.


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