# Should I leave my wife?



## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

Hello. I'm at my wits end and feel as if there is no hope to save my marriage. I'm 49 years old and my wife is 17 years older than I. She is my first wife, and I am her third husband. We've been married for 12 years (no children) and we used to get along quite well. After only two years of marriage my wife began to change... becoming controlling as hell, as well as angry, destructive, insulting and cruel. I left her, but we got back together again after she swore she would change. Things got better for a few months, but then she fell back inter her controlling ways again. I tried talking to her about it, but she denied everything... even saying that it was all my fault - not saying how or why! Things once again went from bad to worse about five years later, and I left her once again saying that I wanted a divorce. Again she swore that she would change if I gave her another chance... I did. Everything was fine for a few months, then she went back to her old ways - this time worse than ever. She said that if I ever left her again she would find a way of hurting me then killing herself. She also needs to know where I am every minute of every day, panicking if I don't report in. She also is insulting of my passion for writing and just about everything I do. I can't do a damned thing right, from driving a car to cooking an egg. I eat wrong, I breathe wrong, I walk across the room wrong, I converse wrong... etc., and I can't take it anymore! Whenever I try to express my feelings about all of this, she tells me that I'm imagining things. She also told me that I cannot deal with life! Life? What life? I haven't had a life in over ten years. She won't see a marriage Councillor because it's all in my head, according to her. She says she loves me but treats me like dirt! Hell, we haven't had sex in years!!! I'm not saying I'm faultless in all of this... I'm sure I'm no saint and that I've changed myself... but I can't take it anymore! I want out, but I need to know that I'm doing the right thing. The way I look at this is I either divorce her or commit suicide, and I don't believe in suicide. Should I leave my wife, or can anyone else think of another solution? Please help!


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Hey, Sounds awful. When i look at your issue from just your side i really DO sympathize. 

But, you are 49, not over 50 yet. Still young. But your wife is nearly 20 years older. She is in another ball park when it comes to the fact that she is currently aging much more rapidly now. Her mind is much the same. You could be seeing the beginnings or dementia or even a real personality change. 

I worked in an assisted living facility a few years back and had a long enough career to observe how many people in their late sixties and early seventies can develop behavioral and personality issues. 

Now then agains he may have always been this way. I don't know, but i encourage you to look at this situation and maybe encourage her to talk to a therapist with you. not a marriage counselor, as well as a doctor to rule out anything. 

The fact she corrected her behavior for a while makes me not sure though as to it being her just aging. 

If you are miserable and truly are, then yes...maybe you should divorce. But be sure... To be divorcing at almost 70 I'm sure is a very lonely and heartbreaking thing.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wow you married a baby boomer. She was right in the middle of the free love movement and birth of modem feminism, Mrs Robindon, do you on thing. I am the tail end of the boom having just turned 61. I can't help of think of the old chinnese cruse "may you live in interesting times". 

Your her third marriage. Does she have children ? I got to ask what is your life story and what is her's. All those events I mentioned she was 18 you where one. They have a meaning for her that are just images on the TV for you. Wha binds the two of you culturally?


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If I've done my math correctly, you were 37 and she was 54 when you were married. Then she started a rapid change in behavior and personality at 56. Along the way (after times you have said to her that enough is enough and you wanted a divorce) she has exhibited cruelty, instability, insulting you, and threatening suicide if you would leave her. That is emotional, manipulative blackmail. Effectively, you're holding yourself hostage to keep her from carrying out her threat. Has she had counseling in the past? Did she pull this same crap with her previous husbands? What do her family members say about her? She needs to be seen by a doctor for a myriad of things - whether she needs a medical checkup or if she's just plain old nasty.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

This is silly but the first thing that popped into my mind is maybe she is just tired and achy. 

I just turned 61 and everything seems to be "getting old."

My knees, my back, my eyesight, my patience .........

What do you think?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Consistently being treated badly is always a good reason to leave, IMO. That's the bottom line, really.


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

Hi. Thanks for responding. She has effectively severed all contact with her previous husband's (claiming that they were cruel and controlling), and so I have had virtually no contact with either of them. Her mother is downright nasty, belittling her own children. My wife is a lot like her in many ways. I have four step children whom I get along with very well. They love their mother, and have told me they hope that I will be a positive influence on her. They know how she can be... one daughter cutting off all contact for awhile. I was the one who got them back together. There is one daughter in Indiana who is willing to take her and care for her... but my wife said she won't go. She will kill herself instead.


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

She has refused to see any doctor, Councillor or therapist, claiming that there is nothing wrong... that it's all my imagination. If anyone needs to change its me. This confuses me quite a bit, but she refuses to discuss the matter with me. She's not helping me figure this out... and all she does is pout, yell, destroy things (phones mostly - along with kitchen cabinets, the glove compartment in the car, etc.) and blame me for things I haven't done. God knows I've tried to resolve the matter over and over again without any help from her! But somehow it's still all my fault! I am at the point where I just don't give a damn anymore, but I still want her to be okay.


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

Hi, thanks for responding. When we were friends we seemed to have more in common than we do now. She seemed interested in the book I was beginning to write at the time... Now she just rolls her eyes whenever the subject comes up. We enjoyed each other's company... until two years into marriage. Now everything she used to enjoy just pisses her off!!! I don't understand. Nothing makes her happy anymore. She doesn't want me to say good morning - since it's not a good morning ever. She doesn't want me to say good night, since it's never a good night. She doesn't want me to say "Godbless you" when she sneezes since it just reminds her that she sneezed. She doesn't want me to ask about her day, stating that if there was anything she wanted me to know about her day she would tell me without my asking! It is quite maddening! We don't talk anymore. Everything that is said has to be carefully thought out before being spoken or she gets angry that I don't speak correctly. Needless to say, we don't say anything meaningful to one another anymore. Our days are spent in worthless small talk. We are roommates instead of husband and wife.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your W is a "control freak" of magnanimous proportions! As a adult, she should well know that such behavior alienates people!

Your happiness and mental well-being is what is at stake here! Don't lose it! Either she checks in for some serious mental counseling, or you fastly extricate yourself from that hellhole!

She needs to know that it's your life that is at stake and that you deserve far better! And if that change is not immediately effected on your part , then it's well past time for you to move on!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Alistair7 said:


> She's not helping me figure this out... and all she does is pout, yell, destroy things (phones mostly - along with kitchen cabinets, the glove compartment in the car, etc.) and blame me for things I haven't done. God knows I've tried to resolve the matter over and over again without any help from her! But somehow it's still all my fault! I am at the point where I just don't give a damn anymore, but I still want her to be okay.


So she is 66 and you are 49? She seems to be showing signs of dementia. Can you schedule a Dr. appointment for her, and let her think it is a yearly meds check-up and discuss this with her Dr.?


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Alistair7 said:


> Hi. Thanks for responding. She has effectively severed all contact with her previous husband's (claiming that they were cruel and controlling), and so I have had virtually no contact with either of them. Her mother is downright nasty, belittling her own children. My wife is a lot like her in many ways. I have four step children whom I get along with very well. They love their mother, and have told me they hope that I will be a positive influence on her. They know how she can be... one daughter cutting off all contact for awhile. I was the one who got them back together. There is one daughter in Indiana who is willing to take her and care for her... but my wife said she won't go. She will kill herself instead.


You cannot be a positive influence for her because she either does not want that or is incapable of understanding what rational behavior is. It is not your job to illuminate the way for her to a positive way of life for her - SHE must take responsibility for what she does. I don't think that's likely to happen anytime soon.  

Has she ever threatened to call the police on you when she is on one of her escapades? If she is this violent, I'm surprised that she hasn't tried to hit you. 

I would be documenting every single thing she says, does, or even try to record what she is doing (just in case). I don't like to think of people pulling all of this nonsense, but you have to protect yourself.

Is she a compulsive spender? Do you have joint bank accounts, individual, or both?


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

Thank you for your response. I know I'm not perfect either, but I don't feel we have anything to each other anymore. I do want her to be happy despite everything that has happened. I just don't want it to be with me.


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

I've tried, but she keeps telling me that there is nothing wrong with her, that it's all in my imagination. She also tells me to deal with it!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
What reasons do you have for not leaving?


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

No, she's not violent toward me or threatened to call the police. She's just perpetually angry and hurtful. Yes, we do have a joint bank account after she lost hers... and she does enjoy spending money she does not have.... despite my numerous attempts to curb her retail therapy. I have been in contact with my bank and am setting up a separate aaccount in my name only.


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

Hi. What reasons do I have for not leaving? I took a vow 12 years ago, a vow I have taken very seriously. But is this truly a marriage? Is this what holy matrimony is all about? And besides... even though I don't love my wife any more, I still want her to be okay. She's not young anymore and this can't be easy for her either.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just leave her... Good grief, you aren't happy. She isn't happy. If I were in your shoes, I'd be contemplating murder or suicide. That isn't healthy!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Alistair7 said:


> *She has refused to see any doctor, Councillor or therapist, claiming that there is nothing wrong..*. that it's all my imagination. If anyone needs to change its me. This confuses me quite a bit, but *she refuses to discuss the matter with me.*
> 
> She's not helping me figure this out... *and all she does is pout, yell, destroy things *(phones mostly - along with kitchen cabinets, the glove compartment in the car, etc.) and blame me for things I haven't done. God knows I've tried to resolve the matter over and over again without any help from her! But somehow it's still all my fault! I am at the point where I just don't give a damn anymore, but I still want her to be okay.


I don't know much about dementia & all that.. but this is a situatioin where she has your hands tied behind your back.. there is no dealing with this woman.. she is not willing to give an "inch" to you.. to listen to you.. to hear your suggestions.. I can't even imagine how God awful frustrating this would be to live with...

This idea she will threaten to hurt you , then kill herself.. well she needs committed ! .. If I was in this situation.. I'd get that on tape.. do all you can to build a case -so she can get the psychological help she needs..... just a very very sad situation..

One has to wonder what her ex's have put up with .. if this is not signs of aging ...very controlling tendencies... in the process she is destroying anything you once shared.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

See a lawyer. Make an exit plan. Based on what you've said, her past/current relationships, etc.----you know you need to end this.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

screw the vows dude....she hasnt followed through on hers. She treats you like a piece of trash...why are you conitually wasting time on a woman who makes you feel this way? Youre not getting any younger, so i'd make the move right now. Theres still a chance for happiness! And you just reminded me to never marry a much older woman, so if anything here has happened correctly then that would be it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, sounds to me like she has some kind of serious personality disorder! My advice would be to end it! If you are afraid for the safety of either one of you should you leave, then contact law enforcement.


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## Alistair7 (Feb 24, 2016)

Everyone, thank you. You have all been extremely helpful. Deep down I've known all along that this would be the ultimate outcome... I've just taken marriage very seriously. I didn't want to end it until I knew that I did everything humanly possible to deal with the issue. I know that I can't feel responsible for what my wife does to herself or her life once I tell her... and I will do everything in my power to protect myself legally. It just saddens me that something as sacred as love and marriage can destroy so many things inside of me. My deepest appreciation to all of you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife told you to deal with it. So, deal with it. Divorce her cranky ass.


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