# He lied to me. Is this how I should have reacted?



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

As you know, after being married as virgins, and six years of near-celibacy, my husband and I are trying to finally learn how to enjoy sex with each other. On his end, part of that was promising me that he would either not self-pleasure or tell me beforehand if he was going to do it. He is very enthusiastic about experimenting with me in the bedroom, but tonight I caught him playing an x-rated offline hentai game. He went to the bathroom-- probably to clean himself up-- and I checked his PC and found it running. 

I am hurt because he said he would try to avoid masturbating whilst learning to have sex with me. When he returned, I told him he "had an orgasmic glow about him" and asked him if he'd gotten off just then. He admitted to it. He claimed he had masturbated a couple times that week as well, but not to climax. I asked him why he didn't tell me beforehand, and he said because he didn't think I'd be interested or care as long as he didn't climax. 

I kept my voice rock-steady, calm, gentle, and non-confrontational. I told him I was hurt that he lied to me, and that he broke my trust, but on the other hand, I could understand his embarrassment and reluctance to tell his wife every time he was in a mood. I told him I didn't mind whether and how often he uses porn, only that I want to know when exactly he's doing it so that I can time our encounters around it. I explained that if he goes a few days without self-pleasuring, he might be more responsive to me, and that's why I asked that he tell me. I told him that he can tell me absolutely anything, even confessing to breaking a promise or a vow, and I swore I wouldn't be angry as long as he was the one to tell me about it rather than me finding out. I said the only thing that could make me angry in the future is if I found out he'd been deceiving me.

He said he knew my reasoning, said he was sorry for hurting me, and he "promised" to be "more honest" and tell me when he wants to self pleasure next time. Obviously, being the type of person who expects the worst and believes hope is for people who get disappointed twice, I don't believe he didn't climax and I don't believe he's going to be more honest. I will be checking up on his gaming occasionally, although I can't install any software to do so as he works in IT and he would find it as quickly as I install it. 

My husband is capable of lying to me. This is, frankly, a revalation. I have taken emergency Xanax and I will be calling my mother tomorrow morning for further guidance.

I'm worried I didn't react right. Should I have gotten angry? Should I have set up ultimatums and threatened divorce? On the other hand, should I not have told him I was hurt? Should I not have made it into a discussion?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You found out that your husband is imperfect.

As are we all.

This might be a good learning opportunity for you both as a couple.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> This might be a good learning opportunity for you both as a couple.


How? What am I meant to learn from this except I can't always trust my husband?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Masturbation and Porn (game or not) is an addiction. While not as crazy as some drugs or alcohol there is a chemical attachment in the brain that craves the next dose.

So i wouldn't get too crazy about it... They say it takes 60-90 days to get over porn addition, so keep that target going if its important to you. Expect some slip-ups but just make sure he is trying.

I cannot speak for your husband BUT... men in general have a high level of testosterone and might be craving a release far more often then you


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If he was sensible he would have told you to go pound sand.

Just because you are married doesn't mean he isn't entitled to some privacy and some autonomy. If he wishes to masturbate he ought to do so as he pleases, without shame or fear of recrimination and controlling behaviour.

It is a shame your husband lacks the assertiveness to have knocked your idea on the head, from the get go.

As a middle aged man, I still can have sex with my wiffe 2-3x a day while masturbating separately 1-2x a day and can easily sustain that for a very long time. So the fact that your husband masturbates a few times a week shouldn't be your concern. And he should feel free to masturbate as he chooses without feeling he has to tell you.

If you want to have sex with him, then have sex with him. There's no need to wait for the stars to align, and for him to be planning to masturbate for it to be the right moment. You do yourself and your relationship no favours, by having your husband encourage you to embrace your anxiety by humouring it.

If you have reached a point where you feel you entitled to control your husbands orgasm and to make him feel shame for what comes naturally, you should have a good look at yourself and think again.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> *As you know, after being married as virgins, and six years of near-celibacy*, my husband and I are trying to finally learn how to enjoy sex with each other. On his end, part of that was promising me that he would either not self-pleasure or tell me beforehand if he was going to do it. He is very enthusiastic about experimenting with me in the bedroom, but tonight I caught him playing an x-rated offline hentai game. He went to the bathroom-- probably to clean himself up-- and I checked his PC and found it running.
> 
> I am hurt because he said he would try to avoid masturbating whilst learning to have sex with me. When he returned, I told him he "had an orgasmic glow about him" and asked him if he'd gotten off just then. He admitted to it. He claimed he had masturbated a couple times that week as well, but not to climax. I asked him why he didn't tell me beforehand, and he said because he didn't think I'd be interested or care as long as he didn't climax.
> 
> ...


I guess I didn't know, is there a major backstory to this?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I have taken emergency Xanax and I will be calling my mother tomorrow morning for further guidance.


Really? This is so over the top. Step # 1-Do not involve your mother in this. Your sex life is not your mothers business. If I were your husband, I would be extremely angry with you if you did this. 

Ella-Your demands that he tell you beforehand is absolutely ridiculous. You're being controlling and you need to look within yourself to address that issue.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Personal said:


> If he was sensible he would have told you to go pound sand.
> 
> Just because you are married doesn't mean he isn't entitled to some privacy and some autonomy. If he wishes to masturbate he ought to do so as he pleases, without shame or fear of recrimination and controlling behaviour.
> 
> ...


That's funny; this was actually my opinion on the matter until people on TAM told me that I had the right to ask him to abstain while we were learning to have sex, that in fact it was the only way to restore our sex life and if he respected me he would do it. I asked him if I did indeed have that right a few weeks ago, and he said yes, that seems reasonable. So I'm throwing up my hands here.


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## thomas79 (Jan 16, 2018)

Hello,

I see multiple opportunities for improvement here. I will say that I can't possibly empathise entirely with your situation, having never adhered to celibacy before marriage. I can certainly imagine that 2 people with no prior experience would and will make it incredibly difficult to start off, but unique and beautiful too.

3 things from me. 

1) Regardless of the scenario, with a prior agreement in place or vow, a lie is a lie. What may seem insignificant to others has a different effect on you. You feel what you feel so that's it. Communicating how one feels in a relationship is key to success. Not something I can adequately say works in my relationship but I'm not going there. Just stay adult and avoid pointed comments. Always relay how a situation feels to you. Your partner can then start to empathise on that basis. Phrases like "you shouldn't" or "how would you feel" trigger a different approach that doesn't work. 

2) Masturbation is normal, for both parties. One has to consider that people have different libido's, ones that eb and flow as we age. Additionally for men, and its the same for women, physiology and hormones play a key role. Testosterone for men drives sex drive, it's potency changing with age and lifestyle. The other thing I would say is that it is different from intercourse and shouldn't effect performance or otherwise from that perspective. The only time it may is if you are trying to conceive. Scientifically, ejaculation in men is important in order to ensure the prostate doesn't diminish and mutate (resulting in prostate cancer).

3) Pornography, with agreement, can have it's place in a relationship and can offer exploration opportunities together. However, it can also be destructive. Pornography is staged, it's not real life, and as a result it can have a twisted expectation impact on everything from anatomy, performance, objectives etc etc. So early in your physical relationship I would beg caution.

You are both in a unique position that enables you to explore what you both enjoy together, with no baggage to go with it. Open dialogue and complete honesty is key in this regard. I think you both need to be able to relax and find humour in all of this too. Sex shouldn't be prescribed, it should be fun. Mistakes and fumbles are going to be made. You need to be able to laugh at them, strengthening the openness and intimacy within the relationship, whilst avoiding being too serious and creating a degree of anxiety in something that is incredibly enjoyable.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> I guess I didn't know, is there a major backstory to this?


Yes, I posted about it on "Sex in marriage"


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)




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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> EllaSuaveterre said:
> 
> 
> > I have taken emergency Xanax and I will be calling my mother tomorrow morning for further guidance.
> ...


I thought so too until other posters on TAM's Sex in Marriage section said that I should have the "right of first refusal" when it comes to his masturbatory habits, until such time as he learns to orgasm with me. I am merely following the advice prescribed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont see why he has any need to masturbate unless you are not having sex enough. If you are willing to have sex with him regularly then why is he doing this anyway? It seems that you are having to think of working you sex life around his porn use and that's so wrong and so disrespectful. 
As for the lying, that is a concern in any marriage. 
He needs to focus all of his sexual energies and desires on you and your sex life together, not use it up on porn. Also he needs to know that if he lies you will stop trusting him.

BTW don't talk to your mum about this, its personal between you both.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I think its important to link this with the other thread of hers indicating that they have had no sex and trying to start a sexual life together... Porn/Masturbation from husband may be making it difficult.





Personal said:


> As a middle aged man, I still can have sex with my wiffe 2-3x a day while masturbating separately 1-2x a day and can easily sustain that for a very long time. So the fact that your husband masturbates a few times a week shouldn't be your concern. And he should feel free to masturbate as he chooses without feeling he has to tell you.


I am also a middle aged man and not capable of doing half of that much ejaculating in one day... so while you may be a lucky man, i would recommend not advising that your above average libido is normal


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I dont see why he has any need to masturbate unless you are not having sex enough. If you are willing to have sex with him regularly then why is he doing this anyway? It seems that you are having to think of working you sex life around his porn use and that's so wrong and so disrespectful.
> As for the lying, that is a concern in any marriage.
> He needs to focus all of his sexual energies and desires on you and your sex life together, not use it up on porn. Also he needs to know that if he lies you will stop trusting him.
> 
> BTW don't talk to your mum about this, its personal between you both.


He has been honest enough with me in the past to tell me that it doesn't feel as good with me as it does with his hand. I'm not offended by this, and I can empathize because it feels better when I touch myself than when he touches me. I'm glad he was honest enough to tell me. We have not yet learned to orgasm with each other. 

I understand that people have a biological need for sexual release, but I also understand that if he does it too much, he won't be able to train himself to respond to me. And after using his hand for 20 years (he's 34) I understand that he'll probably have to get so desperate to orgasm that a butterfly's wing could set him off before he'll be able to climax with me. He said he would try to let himself get to that point so that he could climax with me.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I thought so too until other posters on TAM's Sex in Marriage section said that I should have the "right of first refusal" when it comes to his masturbatory habits, until such time as he learns to orgasm with me. I am merely following the advice prescribed.


IMO, I think asking him to abstain from porn is reasonable but asking him to notify you of when he touches himself is not. 

Are you not happy with the frequency of your sex life?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> EllaSuaveterre said:
> 
> 
> > I thought so too until other posters on TAM's Sex in Marriage section said that I should have the "right of first refusal" when it comes to his masturbatory habits, until such time as he learns to orgasm with me. I am merely following the advice prescribed.
> ...


The frequency is fine; the fact that I have never seen him climax and I have to try not to blame myself for it ("am I not attractive enough to arouse him?") is not.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hi Ella maybe it would be a good idea to just have this thread merged with your other thread so people know the back story?

I agree that with the existing situation, and the fact that your husband's masturbation is and has been interfering with your ability to have sex together, that this is a problem.

I'm sorry that I don't have any good advice right now above agreeing that it's a problem, and that I don't think your mother should be involved.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, I am not at all in any majority. But I think you have the right to expect honesty. 

If he wants to deny you a fulfilling sex life and have his own private sex life with himself and his porn, and exclude you, his sexy loving wife, from it, the least he owes you is honesty.

I think he is wrong at every step, turn, and twist along your tortured path. I have not posted to your thread about your journey because I find it hard to withhold my judgment that you are too forgiving. 

I do wish you well. I do hope you succeed. But it is hard for me to understand why you don’t get angry and tell your husband things must change right now. Then I realize I live a life, myself, which no one else I’ve ever read about finds acceptable.

You always sound very loving and wonderful to me.

The least you deserve is honesty.

Be well, somehow.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Personal said:


> If he was sensible he would have told you to go pound sand.
> 
> Just because you are married doesn't mean he isn't entitled to some privacy and some autonomy. If he wishes to masturbate he ought to do so as he pleases, without shame or fear of recrimination and controlling behaviour.


His porn usage is a detriment to their sex life. She has every right, in this case.



EllaSuaveterre said:


> That's funny; this was actually my opinion on the matter until people on TAM told me that I had the right to ask him to abstain while we were learning to have sex, that in fact it was the only way to restore our sex life and if he respected me he would do it. I asked him if I did indeed have that right a few weeks ago, and he said yes, that seems reasonable. So I'm throwing up my hands here.


When one's porn usage is screwing up actual sex with a willing partner, you have a right to ask this of him.

Yea, he lied. Porn can be hard (heh) habit to break. I think we may have warned he will try to use it even if you asked him to stop. Anyway, I'm not sure the best course of action, but it seems you gotta be a bit more weary.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

There are two things going on here:

1. Lying.
Ella, a promise is a promise. If your husband didn't want to keep you in the loop of his self gratification episodes, then he shouldn't have promised it.

You have every reason to be upset that he lied to you. I would not be 100% comforted by his admission of the other times, since that admission was most likely a half truth: he finished those times too.

2. Choosing computer porn/games and himself to carry out his sexual desires. He is avoiding sexual intimacy with you. Is he in counseling to figure out why he avoids sexual intimacy with his real life wife?

Are the two of you in marriage counseling?

**And do not tell your mother about your sex life.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> He is avoiding sexual intimacy with you. Is he in counseling to figure out why he avoids sexual intimacy with his real life wife?


Per Ella's post history, I get the impression that this is far from the case.

The issue is more that the dude has built up an attachment to porn and it is probably near-addiction level and that is hard to break. He doesn't seem to _avoid_ intimacy with wife: he's just jackin' it enough that it likely affects his sexual performance.

And, based on what Ella's saying, I'm getting worried about the content of the porn as well and I'm wondering if that may be a reason he's having difficulty too.




> **And do not tell your mother about your sex life.


This is good advice though.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband was a virgin into his late 20's. It's not you -- it's him. 

I know you wish life were a fairy tale but it unfortunately isn't. His issues won't be resolved quickly -- assuming they ever are -- so this will take time (and patience). 

And do *not* talk to your mom about your sex life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> How? What am I meant to learn from this except I can't always trust my husband?


You learned a great deal about yourself from your counselling. You learned of your own frailty and the fact that, when it came down to it, you were not to be trusted. Not 100%, not fully.

You are now learning that your husband is, pretty much, just like you are, a frail, weak person, liable to make mistakes, as we all are.

You can move forward, together, in love. When he is weak, support him. When you are weak, he supports you.

Learn and grow, together.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You learned a great deal about yourself from your counselling. You learned of your own frailty and the fact that, when it came down to it, you were not to be trusted. Not 100%, not fully.
> 
> You are now learning that your husband is, pretty much, just like you are, a frail, weak person, liable to make mistakes, as we all are.
> 
> ...


As long as your husband is not a chronic liar, MattMatt's advice is very good for nurturing a loving, healthy marriage.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a lot of back story on this that people may be missing. 

In general I think that anyone should be free to masturbate whenever they want BUT to never replace sex with their partner with masturbation. So if he gets himself off, and you are feeling like sex that evening, he should do anything he is physically capable of doing to please you if masturbation has left him incapable of PIV sex. 

Porn is a much trickier question but I think I view it the same way. OK as long as it doesn't interfere.

If I remember correctly, In this particular situation the OP's partner has been constantly turning her down for sex, so I understand her unhappiness at discovering that he is taking care of himself.


At some point though if someone really prefers masturbation to sex with their partner, there may be sexual issues that are beyond repair.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

uhtred said:


> There is a lot of back story on this that people may be missing.
> 
> In general I think that anyone should be free to masturbate whenever they want BUT to never replace sex with their partner with masturbation. So if he gets himself off, and you are feeling like sex that evening, he should do anything he is physically capable of doing to please you if masturbation has left him incapable of PIV sex.
> 
> ...


As of this year he has been greatly excited to make love to me and has put a lot of effort into it. So have I. As of this year we have put awkwardness aside and stopped turning each other down altogether. The trouble is that neither of us are capable of climaxing with each other (I did twice, shortly before we were married, and he never has) and we both prefer self-stimulation in private to doing it with someone else. We both seem to very much like the idea of having sex with each other, for the intimacy aspect, but it simply doesn't feel as good.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is some sort of intermediate solution possible? Could he (and you?) masturbate in others presence to get used to climaxing in the other's presence? Maybe along with intimate partner contact?





EllaSuaveterre said:


> As of this year he has been greatly excited to make love to me and has put a lot of effort into it. So have I. As of this year we have put awkwardness aside and stopped turning each other down altogether. The trouble is that neither of us are capable of climaxing with each other (I did twice, shortly before we were married, and he never has) and we both prefer self-stimulation in private to doing it with someone else. We both seem to very much like the idea of having sex with each other, for the intimacy aspect, but it simply doesn't feel as good.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't remember how old you are, but if you're less than 40 the following applies:

Men can have sex daily. In his 20's a man could have sex multiple times per day and still have a high libido and no problem with sexual functioning.

There is no reason for you to be timing your encounters with him depending on whether he has masturbated or watched porn.

So, from one perspective it should be a non-issue if he is watching porn or masturbating, and you have no need to know when he does.. You two should be in some kind of a rhythm for when you have sex, whether it be once per week on the weekend, or roughly every other day, or once in the week and once on the weekend, etc. Each couple usually gets into a pattern. His porn or masturbation would then be something he would fit in between the pattern if he was still feeling a need.

So, rather than you working around his masturbation, he should be using masturbation to fill the occasional gap between your normal sex life. For most people in your age range, you would expect sex 1-4 times per week, hopefully on the higher rather than lower side of that range. He should not *need* to masturbate very often at all if you are having that kind of frequency. Even if he has a high libido, going a day or two without masturbating should not be difficult because he knows you'll be together.

So, I think there is something wrong with your whole arrangement. Either sex with you is so random and infrequent that he sees masturbation as his normal sex outlet, or he has an addiction. Given the history in your marriage, I think he has not only a porn addiction, but he has learned incorrectly what sex is and what it feels like. While I am not categorically opposed to porn, in your case I think both of you need to stop all porn and all masturbation. I also think you need to consult with a qualified sex therapist. Your problem is quite common in this modern era where porn is everywhere and free. Brains are trained the wrong way when porn is the primary source.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lying and hiding behaviors are a classic symptom of addiction.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Personal said:


> If he was sensible he would have told you to go pound sand.
> 
> Just because you are married doesn't mean he isn't entitled to some privacy and some autonomy. If he wishes to masturbate he ought to do so as he pleases, without shame or fear of recrimination and controlling behaviour.
> 
> ...


Your whole rant is not applicable to this situation. If you had been paying attention to this posters history (or failing that, even just the origin of this thread) you'd know that his porn/masturbation is detracting from his ability not only to please his partner, but even for he himself to enjoy sex with his partner.

While you may be able to toss off and still make a run at the ol' lady, he can not. And therein lies the crucial difference. You can not apply your situation to theirs. When his self-serving behavior is a substitute for, rather than in addition to, it is a major problem. You don't have that problem, but he does/they do. His continuing to do so points to a lack of commitment to the relationship, and is purely selfish and, bottom line, destructive to their intimacy/relationship. 

He had supposedly committed to working on the relationship first, but clearly it remains a secondary concern if a concern at all. This is not about trying to control someone else's orgasm; it's about trying to get him to man up and be the loving partner he needs to be.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Is some sort of intermediate solution possible? Could he (and you?) masturbate in others presence to get used to climaxing in the other's presence? Maybe along with intimate partner contact?



Yes, I was thinking along these lines as well. Get some materials that you could approve that wouldn't really be deemed as porn but more like educational or erotic and not explicit. That could teach you new techniques that could help bring sex to a climax but in the meantime have a middle ground. I mean this may sound dumb but have you thought about touching yourself in the most stimulating area when you are having intercourse? That could happen in a lot of positions. For him, I really have no idea why he can't finish with intercourse, etc, it's almost unfathomable to me but it happens and it's not like it's weird but rather just not what happens in the majority. For anyone, male or female, there's ways of getting more excited. Start to experiment what that looks like so he can get there to, with you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> My husband is capable of lying to me. This is, frankly, a revalation. I have taken emergency Xanax and I will be calling my mother tomorrow morning for further guidance.


Emergency Xanax? Just what is an emergency Xanax? Is this how one copes? 

Your H was jacking the wagon. Save from embarrassment, your H told a fib.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Emergency Xanax? Just what is an emergency Xanax? Is this how one copes?
> 
> Your H was jacking the wagon. Save from embarrassment, your H told a fib.



I have strong anti-anxiety medication to prevent me from having a panic attack and keep me relatively functional and extremely trying situations. He seems to love me and he seems to want sex with me, and I told him he could tell me anything as long as it was the truth, so why did he lie to me?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He's an addict. Addicts lie. Addicts hide their activity.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

We were supposed to make love tonight and I was supposed to prepare for him but I'm just not up for it. I'm afraid if I refuse him, he'll see it as "punishment" for getting caught and/or for choosing to admit to some things, and he'll become a more skilled liar. I'm afraid if I go ahead and do it, he'll assume nothing is wrong and think it's okay for him to lie to me.

I was going to surprise him with dinner and sex, and Fridays are my only day off from class this semester, so it has to be today or else next Friday. What do I do on this front?


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## PretzelLogic (Jan 16, 2018)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> We were supposed to make love tonight and I was supposed to prepare for him but I'm just not up for it. I'm afraid if I refuse him, he'll see it as "punishment" for getting caught and/or for choosing to admit to some things, and he'll become a more skilled liar. I'm afraid if I go ahead and do it, he'll assume nothing is wrong and think it's okay for him to lie to me.
> 
> I was going to surprise him with dinner and sex, and Fridays are my only day off from class this semester, so it has to be today or else next Friday. What do I do on this front?


IF you DONT want to have sex DONT have sex...
Just an outsiders view here, but it takes two wanting the same result, to make this work.
Whether or not you were right to monitor/control his masturbation matters not, he agreed.
As someone (a man) in a sex-problem-starved-etc. marriage, I have come to the conclusion that I as the man have more power in making sex work or not, than I previously believed (again, assuming my wife ultimately wants the same as I).. HE has to decide whether masturbation is more important than sex to him.
it definitely sounds like masturbation is an issue (or at least a contributing factor), meaning only HE can change that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I have strong anti-anxiety medication to prevent me from having a panic attack and keep me relatively functional and extremely trying situations. He seems to love me and he seems to want sex with me, and I told him he could tell me anything as long as it was the truth, so why did he lie to me?


I'm familiar with Xanax. He lied out of embarrassment I'm thinking. Why not ask your H?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

PretzelLogic said:


> IF you DONT want to have sex DONT have sex...
> Just an outsiders view here, but it takes two wanting the same result, to make this work.
> Whether or not you were right to monitor/control his masturbation matters not, he agreed.
> As someone (a man) in a sex-problem-starved-etc. marriage, I have come to the conclusion that I as the man have more power in making sex work or not, than I previously believed (again, assuming my wife ultimately wants the same as I).. HE has to decide whether masturbation is more important than sex to him.
> it definitely sounds like masturbation is an issue (or at least a contributing factor), meaning only HE can change that.


I could be wrong but this also seems so fixable and for either not to blow it out of proportion. I think it's fair to ask him not to get off to porn but not fair to stop it w/o porn. I would talk to him about it with everything on the table. Say how serious you are about it that you are willing to work on this WITH HIM but he needs to do the same. And IF he cannot give up porn than he needs to face consequences. Maybe extend an olive branch here, give a mulligan and focus all efforts on working this out together, which in all honesty should be one heck of a way to get closer, experimenting with sex, that would be the time of my life even if it was troublesome, all of the practice LOL. Give him the mulligan now in an effort to move this forward BUT, BUT if the dude f's up, hit him with the sledgehammer and give him the result of his failed consequences. You guys need to reset the ground rules and then let him know what the result will be if he fails them. This again, seems very fixable with communication and help. I haven't read the back story. Get books, videos, professional help. Also again, this doesn't mean get nasty stuff, there's a huge difference between erotic and explicit. Bring him down to the erotic level, which most men would love. My fear is that it's a gateway to the explicit for him though if he has a true addiction. In that case, he'll need IC in addition to Marriage or Love counseling you guys should have.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Very tough situation.

Your question about whether or not overlooking his lying to you would reinforce his willingness to lie resonates with me. 

I am of the opinion it would. 

I think he is addicted. 

I really don’t know much about addiction.

My wife is mentally ill, but it’s not classed as an addiction. Only after I accepted the inevitability of her condition were we able to begin healing. 

But I do keep her away from the opportunity to fail. Just as I would keep an alcoholic away from drinks.

How can you possibly help your husband get over this addiction?

It is a tough situation. 

I don’t think you should fake being happy.

Be well, somehow.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Have a good talk with him this evening about how hurt and upset you are.

If that talk goes well, build a bridge and get over it.

Then make love to your husband. 

Especially if this is the only day this week you two have to do it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I wouldn't make an irreversible decision yet on whether you make love tonight. But I support you choosing not to if you aren't enthused. I would discuss it with him and then see how you feel.

If you decide not to, I would tell him this is not punishment of him, but rather that you are too upset by the deception, which is a form of betrayal. He may or may not see it as a punishment, but that is on him not you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm thinking you need to keep his cajones on a shelf until you need 'em for some reason.

Seriously, this is over the top controlling behavior that will end your marriage if you keep it going.

Consulting with your mother would so be a violation of privacy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sex therapy for couples with a licenced, registered practitioner is what I suggest.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You are already worrying about a reaction that HE will have based on a decision that YOU make.
Don't let your anxiety take over.
If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex.
Don't pretend to want sex, and don't apologize for not feeling up to sex.

If he asks about it, tell him the TRUTH. That you don't feel particularly sexy and you'd be happy to do something else romantic and intimate instead.

You don't want him to lie, so don't you lie either. Be the truth exemplar.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

He came home with roses and chocolates and an apology. He agreed he'd show me his "collection" for honesty's sake. He also he said he was embarrassed that I told the urologist yesterday that I'd never seen him climax. (We were there to look at getting him circumcised for phimosis) We both apologized and I said maybe if we communicate exactly what we want, and don't want, we might avoid hurt feelings in the future. I said that if he had specified beforehand that he didn't want me telling the doctor too much about our ailing sex life, I wouldn't have. On the other hand, I said, he's a doctor and he needs to know everything to properly understand the condition.

He said that I had been asking a lot of him lately, what with the CPAP machine, and the pills, and now the circumcision. I said, "I understand it must be really stressful when you have all these new health conditions and you've never suffered with health problems before, but you still lied to me, and your health problems aren't an excuse for that."

I set a new ground rule for BOTH of us (since neither of us are capable of climaxing with each other, without visual aids) that we tell each other when we're going to get off. He said, "Okay, but with you knowing, I might be so embarrassed I won't want to get off at all." 

I said, "So be it. Eventually, if you go without it long enough, you'll need it so badly that _anything_ can make you climax. And that's when you'll be able to do it with me."

I don't care how much porn he watches. I don't even care that it feels better to him to watch porn than to have sex with me, because I'm the same way! Masturbation feels better than partnered sex for me too. I just don't understand why he's so embarrassed and ashamed about these things, because it all has to come to light or it will never be fixed.

I think I regret prodding the hornet's nest that is our sex life. It's been wonderful to have sexual intimacy with him, but I'm not sure that finding out just how much he'd rather sweep everything under the rug is worth it. Even with his health issues, if I hadn't taken the initiative, he would never have begun getting treatment. I'm not "expecting" him to do anything except face his problems and fix them!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You are both very young and will have decades together. I think it's good you took initiative in changing things! Better than to do this 10 years from now when it would be much more difficult.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Your whole rant is not applicable to this situation. If you had been paying attention to this posters history (or failing that, even just the origin of this thread) you'd know that his porn/masturbation is detracting from his ability not only to please his partner, but even for he himself to enjoy sex with his partner.
> 
> While you may be able to toss off and still make a run at the ol' lady, he can not. And therein lies the crucial difference. You can not apply your situation to theirs. When his self-serving behavior is a substitute for, rather than in addition to, it is a major problem. You don't have that problem, but he does/they do. His continuing to do so points to a lack of commitment to the relationship, and is purely selfish and, bottom line, destructive to their intimacy/relationship.
> 
> He had supposedly committed to working on the relationship first, but clearly it remains a secondary concern if a concern at all. This is not about trying to control someone else's orgasm; it's about trying to get him to man up and be the loving partner he needs to be.


Of course it's applicable to this situation.

I am also cognisant of EllaSuaveterre's anxiety disorder, eating disorder and her borderline personality disorder as well. Not forgetting her proclivity to have sex outside of her marriage when she was cheating on her husband. Plus a recent incident a few months ago when she took it upon herself to pash someone else in front of him more recently (when they weren't having sex).

Then there's the little tidbit about her husband not being able to pull his foreskin back, combine that with the fact that he's only had sex 20x during his whole life through six years up until this month (all while she faked orgasm). Which should be of significant concern.

Yet many here seem to carry on about masturbation and porn with perhaps no clue how significant an issue his personal marital experience has been, which by any measure has been absolutely appalling.

Then there is the issue of his foreskin which can't pull back which probably causes him discomfort during penetrative sex. This discomfort can be avoided through masturbation since one can be more delicate, yet penetrative sex can be tough if that's a problem.

Combine that with the fact that a guy can sometimes get micro-tears on the tip of their foreskin (which can really ****ing hurt) when doing penetrative sex, especially when one hasn't done it for a while. Such tears do sometimes limit ones desire to have any penetrative sex at all till it get's better.

As to your remark about tossing off and him not being able to have sex as well, you have no idea whether he can or cannot.

Guys who have problems with their foreskin can often toss off dandily and frequently without any issue, simply because they know how to handle themselves so it doesn't hurt like it does when putting it in a vagina. So in other words when penetrative sex doesn't hurt then it is often simply not an issue.

Shame can make it tough though, shame about masturbation, shame about viewing pornography, shame about not finishing, shame about not doing it right and on and on.

They've also both built a rod for their own backs with this as well. If sex is always a big production you know lots of preparation, lots of time, lots of props, lots of expectations, this is going to add to his problems. Plus they've hardly had sex through 6 years and despite just starting at it again, yet in short order there's already rules, demands and a cup full of drama that have been imposed upon him.

No wonder he is having trouble finishing with her and not wanting to tell her when and if he masturbates.

That said although her husband may have forgiven her, he will never forget she had another man ****ing her while she lied to to him as is her want all while they were married. Plus she can still (as proven recently) readily play around sexually with others on a whim in front of him as well.

To be frank all of that drama would be no picnic at all for her husband, so it's hardly a surprise their relationship hasn't been particularly intimate and they have significant problems.

Granted EllaSuaveterre's mental disorders are in part fear driven, yet the manifestation of that fear, sees her have a penchant for a considerable amount of self-centred conduct, deceit and selfishness with a fetish for drama.

All of this hand wringing over her husband doing what comes naturally feeds her monster. If your comprehension of this was better, perhaps you might instead join me in not humouring her madness.

As to her husband manning up and being the loving partner he needs to be. Pleeeasse! He has been served a poo sandwich through his whole marriage. Yet you seem to think he would do well to prostrate himself to his wife even further, by letting her decide when and if he is allowed to masturbate.

At the end of the day unless EllaSuaveterre's mental health is significantly improved, they have no chance at having a healthy sexual relationship together. Until that is addressed all else will always be tilting at windmills.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Personal said:


> Of course it's applicable to this situation.
> ......


Thank you for the recap. I knew about the no sex/masturbation problem from another thread, but not some of the other stuff. :smthumbup:


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

@EllaSuaveterre, I mentioned earlier I have not posted to your threads before this one, but I have been reading them.

I just want you to know I recognize there are a lot of issues. I think you should keep trying. The worst thing for a marriage is if one of the two people in the couple decides their health issues or expectations or incompatibilities in some way make good sex so difficult they just can't manage to keep trying.

Unconventional issues or people may lead to unconventional methods on occasion, and I don't think I need to judge those. I am proud of you for continuing to try.

The very worst thing for any person in a couple to do is decide to quit trying because something seems insurmountable. We see that happen often. 

And, from my reading of your threads, in your case I think your husband needs to try a little harder. While some may say you ask too much, I think your needs are reasonable, and I just don't see any insurmountable obstacles. It only takes wanting, by you both.

I suspect your husband does not want, but that is only for you to decide.

Be well.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Thank you for the recap. I knew about the no sex/masturbation problem from another thread, but not some of the other stuff. :smthumbup:


 @Personal I never had sex outside of my marriage. Everything else is true,including that I kissed a woman once with his permission and that in 2014 I told another man I loved him and debated moving in with him. But I never had sex, internet or otherwise, with him.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Ella, this situation has a lot of layers. It looks rather complex. I agree with MattMatt's suggestion of a sex therapist. This is better left to a professional.

A few things stand out to me though - for 34, your husband sounds immature about sex in that he is embarrassed by masturbation. So embarrassed that you even knowing will risk his orgasm. There is a lot of unpacking to do there that he will need to figure out with a therapist. This is just not a normal reaction for a 34-year-old who is married to you.

While it's not exactly clear if his attraction plays some sort of role in this, what is clear is that it has NOTHING to do with you. You sound lovely and I'm going to guess that you don't have much in common with Shrek. I imagine tons of men would be thrilled to sleep with you given the chance. I'm betting that if attraction is a factor as opposed to him feeling pressured/ashamed/some other internal hang up, it's because what he is attracted to falls outside of the norm. I'm curious about what porn games he was playing, if they reveal what that could be, and if it's something taboo to the point where you could be the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world and he still wouldn't orgasm.

I don't really think making him abstain until he can achieve orgasm is going to work. If he struggled to orgasm in general, then maybe it would be related to his health issues but since he can orgasm on his own, there is some sort of mental block at play. Women can get these mental blocks too. In fact, it's far more common and openly discussed that most women have to be in the correct place mentally to orgasm or they can't achieve it either. Your husband is like that too. Something isn't lining up for him mentally to get him to a place where he can orgasm with you. It's not something that will magically go away if you wait long enough. He has to go see a professional and figure out what it is and if it can be fixed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I thought so too until other posters on TAM's Sex in Marriage section said that I should have the "right of first refusal" when it comes to his masturbatory habits, until such time as he learns to orgasm with me. I am merely following the advice prescribed.


This probably should have been brought up on your other thread.

If he isn't plowing your field at all, he does need to stop whacking off and get down to business.

I am very similar to another poster in that I MB daily but do not fail to ravage Mrs. Conan.

I see that he has sex with you but doesn't climax?

Definitely in need of mental help.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> As you know, after being married as virgins, and six years of near-celibacy, my husband and I are trying to finally learn how to enjoy sex with each other. On his end, part of that was promising me that he would either not self-pleasure or tell me beforehand if he was going to do it. He is very enthusiastic about experimenting with me in the bedroom, but tonight I caught him playing an x-rated offline hentai game. He went to the bathroom-- probably to clean himself up-- and I checked his PC and found it running.
> 
> I am hurt because he said he would try to avoid masturbating whilst learning to have sex with me. When he returned, I told him he "had an orgasmic glow about him" and asked him if he'd gotten off just then. He admitted to it. He claimed he had masturbated a couple times that week as well, but not to climax. I asked him why he didn't tell me beforehand, and he said because he didn't think I'd be interested or care as long as he didn't climax.
> 
> ...




So many questions..
First things first: what’s the name of that game? 
I never knew you could get off on a computer game. How bizarre.

Secondly: what’s the problem people have with masturbation? It is a perfectly normal human behaviour. You are being controlling (IMO) by trying to control his wanktimetable, it’s not healthy. Every guy masturbates every now and then and every guy watches porn if he’s too lazy to come up with anything in his mind himself. Someone will inevitably say ‘but my husband never wanks’. Bollocks to it if you ask me: they are just very good at concealing it.
Perhaps it’s more important to work on your intimacy issues and how to make sex between you two more pleasurable but that’s completely separate from his masturbatory activities.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Really? This is so over the top. Step # 1-Do not involve your mother in this. Your sex life is not your mothers business. If I were your husband, I would be extremely angry with you if you did this.
> 
> 
> 
> Ella-Your demands that he tell you beforehand is absolutely ridiculous. You're being controlling and you need to look within yourself to address that issue.



Maybe next time he masturbates, both you and your mother should have a serious talk with him  perhaps even show him, how to do it properly. It’s really should be a concern for the whole family. 🤯




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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> That's funny; this was actually my opinion on the matter until people on TAM told me that I had the right to ask him to abstain while we were learning to have sex, that in fact it was the only way to restore our sex life and if he respected me he would do it. I asked him if I did indeed have that right a few weeks ago, and he said yes, that seems reasonable. So I'm throwing up my hands here.




Yeah no...You listened to the wrong people, sorry 


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Personal said:


> Of course it's applicable to this situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree with most of it. Except the bit about her cheating: I believe it wasn’t cheating, I believe she was sexually (or perhaps emotionally) abused. She was very young and was bullied into an affair by a priest or someone with power over her. He blackmailed her.
Anyway, that’s besides the point.
It’s possible sex for her feels worse because she might have too many lesbian tendencies (getting off with a woman) and it is true that it might be too painful for husband to enjoy sex with her.
First thing: get your husband circumcised! (or whatever it’s called in medical terms). Chop-chop!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I decided there's no point stressing about his porn use until after he's circumcised. I told him he's off the hook until he gets circumcised a couple weeks from now, at which point he'll HAVE to stop climaxing, with me or otherwise, for 6 weeks. If at that point he is unable to climax with me, I told him we might have to consider Sex Therapy or something. He said he hoped the circumcision would sort it out on its own, saying that he actually got really close to climaxing a time or two with me, but there just wasn't enough stimulation and pressure there for him to finish.

I apologized for being so obsessive about his porn use. I've never been one to care about porn; I watch it too and I can't climax with him either. And if he's guilty of hindering our sex life with porn, then I am too, because I am the very same way about visually-aided self-stimulation versus partnered sex. It's just too stressful for me to try and stop him from doing something I know he's going to do anyway. If it continues to be a problem after he is circumsized I'll drag him to Sex Therapy.

I told him I had no idea whether I was in the wrong or he was, but if I was, I'm sorry. I said as long as he's putting forth an honest effort to try to have sex with me and enjoy it, we can't possibly ask for more. I said we'll just have to wait to see what his circumcision does for his condition, and if that doesn't fix it, we will get Sex Therapy. 

If it comes to that I'll make it clear that it's a non-negotiable thing, just as getting treatment for his phimosis and sleep apnea has been. He actually thanked me today for helping him sort out his medical issues, saying that even though he does all the providing, there are some things he couldn't do without my help, like care for his health.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I decided there's no point stressing about his porn use until after he's circumcised. I told him he's off the hook until he gets circumcised a couple weeks from now, at which point he'll HAVE to stop climaxing, with me or otherwise, for 6 weeks. If at that point he is unable to climax with me, I told him we might have to consider Sex Therapy or something. He said he hoped the circumcision would sort it out on its own, saying that he actually got really close to climaxing a time or two with me, but there just wasn't enough stimulation and pressure there for him to finish.
> 
> I apologized for being so obsessive about his porn use. I've never been one to care about porn; I watch it too and I can't climax with him either. And if he's guilty of hindering our sex life with porn, then I am too, because I am the very same way about visually-aided self-stimulation versus partnered sex. It's just too stressful for me to try and stop him from doing something I know he's going to do anyway. If it continues to be a problem after he is circumsized I'll drag him to Sex Therapy.
> 
> ...


That's very mature of you! 
I hope the procedure goes well.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's not separate from masturbation. Ella's husband can't orgasm with her, only with his hand. That's why it's important to cut it out.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Livvie said:


> It's not separate from masturbation. Ella's husband can't orgasm with her, only with his hand. That's why it's important to cut it out.


I agree, that's why it's important to *cut* it. Then he will hopefully be able to orgasm both with her and with his hand and her hand.
Just don't bring the mother into this..:surprise:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Personal said:


> Of course it's applicable to this situation.
> 
> I am also cognisant of EllaSuaveterre's anxiety disorder, eating disorder and her borderline personality disorder as well. Not forgetting her proclivity to have sex outside of her marriage when she was cheating on her husband. Plus a recent incident a few months ago when she took it upon herself to pash someone else in front of him more recently (when they weren't having sex).
> 
> ...


We don't know that he can't. Okay, what we do know is that he doesn't. That's enough for me. Look, I'm not some anti-porn crusader. But when a man takes care of himself and then either can't, or doesn't take care of his wife, that's a problem. In the end it doesn't matter a whole lot whether or not he physically can't. The end result of doesn't is still the same. 

Yes, Ella has her problems, and more importantly, we're only hearing this from her side--but nothing there relieves her husband of his part in this either. Bottom line, Ella is seeking help; as far as we know he isn't.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Have you tried oral sex on him while he watches porn? He might find out quickly he prefers that more than his hand..


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Bottom line, Ella is seeking help; as far as we know he isn't.


He's currently at a doctor addressing his penis pain issue. So, he is "seeking help" and we do know.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

He tells me he doesn't have any pain; it's just that due to the foreskin, he needs more pressure for longer than my lady's flower or my hand can provide.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

By chance is he taking any opioids?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

No, never. The only thing he takes presently is nerve medicine for his periodic limb movement disorder.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> No, never. The only thing he takes presently is nerve medicine for his periodic limb movement disorder.


 What medicine exactly? Have you looked to see if any of the side effects include a reduction in "sexual performance" ?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @Personal I never had sex outside of my marriage. Everything else is true,including that I kissed a woman once with his permission and that in 2014 I told another man I loved him and debated moving in with him. But I never had sex, internet or otherwise, with him.


Thank-you for your correction, I am sorry for the error.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Your husband was a virgin into his late 20's. It's not you -- it's him.
> 
> I know you wish life were a fairy tale but it unfortunately isn't. His issues won't be resolved quickly -- assuming they ever are -- so this will take time (and patience).
> 
> And do *not* talk to your mom about your sex life.


MY husband was a virgin till he married at age 26 and we have a perfectly normal sex life. Nothing to do with the fact that some prefer to wait for marriage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> MY husband was a virgin till he married at age 26 and we have a perfectly normal sex life. Nothing to do with the fact that some prefer to wait for marriage.


Indeed, yet Openminded made no such claim that waiting for marriage was an issue.

That said it's fair to say that most men who lose their cherry in their *late* 20s and after, more often than not tend to be inadequate sexual partners


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> Indeed, yet Openminded made no such claim that waiting for marriage was an issue.
> 
> That said it's fair to say that most men who lose their cherry in their *late* 20s and after, more often than not tend to be inadequate sexual partners


I don't agree. They just see sex as for marriage only.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> He tells me he doesn't have any pain; it's just that due to the foreskin, he needs more pressure for longer than my lady's flower or my hand can provide.



But it must be painful for him when he’s inside you?
Otherwise he can find the right amount of thrust/speed/pressure to make it pleasurable for himself then you don’t have to worry about lady flower hands  (Sorry if it’s too graphic).
I think practice will make it ‘perfect’ but he needs to get his equipment in order first quickly! Chop chop! 
Otherwise you might start kissing girls again! 


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Your reaction is correct. All the porn lovers on here will say different but they are not objective.

Sounds like he'd rather do porn then have actual sex with his wife. That is the very definition of a mental illness. Every use of his porn trains his mind and body further away from you.

I'd recommend you install some sort of tracking software on his computer and/or phone to see the extent of his illness. Many churches can refer him to help resources for treatment. He can get better, if treated.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Had to refresh myself, I remembe why I tend to stay out of your threads. Look you both need therapy and you need someone who doesn't cater to your whims. You are talking about his trust, but you did kiss another woman. You admit you are Bi, but part of me wonders if this is true. I know men love to pretend they are dumb and only women are intuitive, but it isn't true. The porn addiction needs to be addressed, but I wonder if he has a hangup because he thinks you are gay? I mean you have quite a few posts wondering about his troubles being tied to his sexuality and you are Bisexual. Did you ever stop to think he thinks you are gay, but you are a long suffering person who stays with him out of love? Personally, it would be a hard burden to carry for six years. 
Is she happy with me?
Does she really want to be with a woman?
Am I holding her back?
Is she faking?
Does she really love me?

I could go on for days. I mean I wonder if this is the root of both of your problems. You are Bi and tired of being exclusive to a man and he is scared he isn't doing things right and resorts to porn. You can't successfully pleasure each other because you are sexually incompatible, not because of his porn, possible pain or both of your mental issues.

No, porn isn't a proper response, but neither was telling his urologist.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to politely disagree with you and with my husband about telling the urologist. The man's a doctor, and as I have learned from managing both my own numerous health issues and my husband's, doctors need to know absolutely every single detail about your condition, no matter how hard to admit, in order to properly treat you. I didn't say it in a mean or condescending way, and while I know it must have been difficult for my poor darling, I would do it again in a heartbeat.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife refused to even speak at all at her first counseling sessions. Then she would never be truthful. They were able to tell there were things deeply wrong. She even got diagnosed. But nothing changed. She had to be put under hypnosis to even begin to work toward telling any of her history. Since then she has improved dramatically. If she had been allowed to simply continue her stonewalling I believe she would not have gotten better. And she has improved dramatically.

Someone should not pick and choose what to tell their doctors based on how embarrassed they are. That is not the way to get cured. That is the way to perpetuate the problem forever. Sure, the doctors may not find a cure, but without giving the doctors all information which may even be tangentially pertinent there is really no chance at a cure and a person is just wasting time and money.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> He came home with roses and chocolates and an apology. He agreed he'd show me his "collection" for honesty's sake. He also he said he was embarrassed that I told the urologist yesterday that I'd never seen him climax. (We were there to look at getting him circumcised for phimosis) We both apologized and I said maybe if we communicate exactly what we want, and don't want, we might avoid hurt feelings in the future. I said that if he had specified beforehand that he didn't want me telling the doctor too much about our ailing sex life, I wouldn't have. On the other hand, I said, he's a doctor and he needs to know everything to properly understand the condition.
> 
> He said that I had been asking a lot of him lately, what with the CPAP machine, and the pills, and now the circumcision. I said, "I understand it must be really stressful when you have all these new health conditions and you've never suffered with health problems before, but you still lied to me, and your health problems aren't an excuse for that."
> 
> ...


here is something you might try, if you think the whole thing might just be causing him anxiety...

masturbate with him. as in, ask him to hold you while you get yourself off. and if you need visual aids, porn, toys, etc, then use them. the only thing you should ask of him is to hold you and caress you to make you feel warm and loved, and to let you know that he enjoys seeing you experience the pleasure of it. 

when you are both comfortable with doing that, ask him to masturbate with YOU there, basically doing the same with him. 

i would go further and say that you should tell him that you aren't going to be mad at him for masturbating on his own, so long as he is willing to do it with you as well. 

at one point, when i was suffering chronic cluster headaches so bad that i couldn't sleep more than ten minutes for months on end, i did this with my wife. i was taking so much lithium and verapamil that maintaining(and sometimes even achieving) an erection was nearly impossible. it really messed with my head. i started telling my wife that i wanted to see her have an orgasm. like it was a kink for me. i got pretty enthusiastic about it, got toys and such, and held her while she directed me as to how to help her reach an orgasm. things that turned her on, etc. 

im glad i did. it kept us intimate for the year and a half when i was barely able to have sex at all, and made it much easier and much more fun to progress to a normal sex life when i found a better treatment option.


just dont try to own or control his sex life. try to experience it *with* him.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

You told another you love him? How did you get to that point? Sounds like an EA to me...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> You told another you love him? How did you get to that point? Sounds like an EA to me...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It was. He quickly took my confession and used it as blackmail.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > Your reaction is correct. All the porn lovers on here will say different but they are not objective.
> ...


It's called wisdom.

I agree that everyone "likes" porn however where we disagree is that I assert that it is bad for men and marriage.

This sounds like another case where a man has no need for his wife because he's trained his mind and body towards a screen. This case is interesting because the woman seems to have done the same.

You read this thread and come out aggressively in defense of porn? Really? That sounds very closed minded.


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## Mybranchofsinislove (Jan 22, 2018)

My fiance was not so deep into porn that he was incapable of orgasm during sex or less attracted to me, but I will say that as someone who's coping with a partners porn problem, which wasn't always a problem, these are tell tale signs what I hear. He shouldn't have to tell you when He's whacking off, but also, you seem to notice that he's different when he has, and its not been a good type of different. If he spent to many years on doing nothing but self pleasure with porn then there is a VERY good chance it is addictive behaviour and your right to feel weird about it. I ignored it and eventually he was having sexual conversations and exchanging pictures with a girl, he thought nothing of it because it was "porn" in his head. The fantasy became momentarily better. I can tell theres A LOT he's not telling you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

....


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Well, I don't know anything about his medical condition but my husband had or has a porn addiction. When i first got with him, me being a virgin and him too you would think that he would orgasm easily. I was hot, and sexy at that age, and he was young and virile... Why could he not cum? I will tell you why. 3-4 times a day he would masturbate through high school, with computer porn etc... 

When he got with me his penis was so desensitized by over masturbation over his teen years that his own nerves needed the pressure and the speed that his hand could provide. 

He had to quit masturbating, he had to wait a long time for his penis to regain sensitivity. But whenever he would fall into porn and masturbating a lot he would go soft quickly during sex and have to masturbate to try to even keep going. 

I don't know about your situation but that was mine in the early years and here and there since.


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