# When to Throw the Towel in or Not??



## mrsmarriedwoman (Nov 11, 2013)

Hello everyone!  This is my first thread to post, and I've never been on a forum before. So here goes…. I've been married for eight years. Since we have been married, my husband has had a problem communicating. I can remember five years ago, I asked him why he couldn't love me. With social media now, I see family pictures posted, date nights, last minute trips, surprises, flowers, etc… I can name two times in 11 years that my husband has told me that I was pretty. There are never compliments or surprises. There is never reassurance, positive reinforcement. In other words, I get no attention. My husband is a very simple man. There is no abuse, no harsh words, no arguing, or angry heated discussions. But, we don't have date nights, there is no element of romance or surprise. With all of that said, I get compliments from others, and like to go out with my friends because I am a very social person and I get my compliments elsewhere through work, and in my circle of friends. Going out has caused problems, so I've quit going out. Is it possible that he just isn't capable of giving me the things that I need? I mean being told I look nice once every few months isn't unreasonable is it? Please advise..


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Have you discussed this with him?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The things you feel like you are missing are completely valid, but it seems like you knew this going into the marriage. And now that you have easy access through social media to what others have, you want that too. That is not fair to your husband.

I really dislike social media...


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## mrsmarriedwoman (Nov 11, 2013)

Over and over again. I have tried to learn to accept that he isn't capable, and practice patience, tolerance, and love.


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## mrsmarriedwoman (Nov 11, 2013)

Yes you're right. I have always known this. I just figured that the normal things that people do in a marriage like celebrate anniversaries, family pics, etc. may come. It isn't just social media though. I am just compliment by others at times, and I want to be complimented by him and not others. Not all of the time, but I guess I just feel like I am part of a team going through this life. I don't know. I guess I am to blame because I have accepted this. Or more correctly chose this at a young age because maybe I wasn't clear about what I wanted or what was healthy.. Excuses or facts, apparently it isn't working for me.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

mrsmarriedwoman said:


> Over and over again. I have tried to learn to accept that he isn't capable, and practice patience, tolerance, and love.


And, what does he say?


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## mrsmarriedwoman (Nov 11, 2013)

Nothing… good or bad.. I gave up; I guess. It is like sharing a house with a roommate. It is like I am one of the guys. I work, cook, and take care of everything myself. I'm successful by most people's standards, and he is too. I don't confront, argue, or nag because there is no use. I'm 35 and he's 37. We have sex, but it is more out of necessity. We get home, he sits outside and listens to radio, drinks beer, etc. I cook. I enjoy his hobbies like fishing and golfing. We do those things. We don't go to dinner, we don't have dates, we don't cuddle, we don't hold hands, we don't go to the movies, we don't bowl, there are no flowers, there is no excitement, and there is no romance. I think to myself, "I know I'm not perfect." But I work with a lot of people in engineering sales. I communicate for a living!! LOL.. But not in my marriage. When I say I get compliments, I mean that mostly they come from the opposite sex. I am not ugly in other words. I cannot figure out after all of these years how to get what I need from him. I don't need much. I am mostly self-sufficient. I'm just thinking a mother's day card would be nice, or flowers once every 5 years as a surprise would be nice. I don't think I'm expecting the impossible. LOL… Basically I just realized typing, that people do not change. I'm laughing and crying at the same time...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Have you just sat him down explained this to him point blank? Another question to ask yourself if you know his family well. How do they interact? Many traits people do bring into marriages whether we like them or not is learned behavior from watching our parents. If they werent affectionate, but were happy it may seem like an alien concept to him so to speak. It worked for them why not you? 

I dont mean to say you are too needy or anything like that dont misunderstand please. Maybe it just is in his nature not to do or say things. If he is shy, he may have problems opening up etc. 

My stbxw mother is very "cold". I have never in all the years I have known her ever kiss anybody, say I love you to any of her kids or husband, never hugged, hold hands, nothing. She wont even write love mom on a card, its always just mom. Most of my stbx siblings are just like that, very cold, impersonable. They learned it from mom and dad. 

As simplistic as it sounds, he may not have ever really learned the tools that you are looking for and you need to teach him, if he is unwilling to learn, thats a different problem. Its just a sugestion.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

honcho said:


> Have you just sat him down explained this to him point blank? Another question to ask yourself if you know his family well. How do they interact? Many traits people do bring into marriages whether we like them or not is learned behavior from watching our parents. If they werent affectionate, but were happy it may seem like an alien concept to him so to speak. It worked for them why not you?
> 
> I dont mean to say you are too needy or anything like that dont misunderstand please. Maybe it just is in his nature not to do or say things. If he is shy, he may have problems opening up etc.
> 
> ...


I was raised in that kind of an environment. My dad has only told me he loved me twice and I'm 58. 

And, I craved the closeness that I saw other kids had with their parents. 

My dad also abused me.

I have change the culture with my kids... They are never whipped and they hear "I love you" frequently.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think you should communicate what your love language is to him. Have you read the book? He isn't going to change all by himself. He is the way he always has been....but if you communicate very clearly what is important to you, it may help. Is he an engineer by chance? 

I have a brother who is an engineer and sounds like your husband. I also have friends who are extremely smart, but lack some "social skills". It is just who they are. Their wives have taught them some things thru good communication. Just my opinion.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

How he expressed his love while you were dating? I assume he did somehow if you accepted his proposal...


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