# Feeling bad about getting angry at my mothers day gift



## amiwrong75 (May 17, 2012)

My Mother's day was botched from the start as usual. I try not to put too many expectations on a day, but...it still happens. I did tell DH that I didn't really want anything because I usually don't really like what he gets me unless we go shopping together. Anyway, my feelings were a little hurt because he hadn't created any plans, didn't try to get the day off of work and didn't talk in advance to our kids about the day. (Two boys 6 and 3yrs) 

On Mother's day he had his friend deliver a beautiful arrangement of flowers to me. The biggest one I have ever seen. He only started giving me flowers after 17 years once we separated and once he talked a florist into doing trade with him. I think being able to trade a skill for a product is an amazing thing, but when you can't pay your bills and all you ever do is trade and you talk a big talk about all the reasons why you can't bring any money in, then I have a really hard time with trade. I felt really unappreciated but i'm trying to be positive about it. 

Then the worst happened...he gave me a gift that he had hidden, unwrapped and said it was from him and the kids. Well, that was BS because it was a gift i had received from his mother a few years ago for Christmas! WTF? I'm trying to not be unappreciative here but, come on...don't give me a gift and say its from you and the kids. Its already mine. You can't give me a gift i already own! I was furious! I yelled, i screamed, i acted so immaturely, and of course he threw the you don't appreciate anything i do deflection my way and made me feel even worse. I don't know what to think here. I'm so frustrated. I feel like I don't matter. And I struggle all the time with feeling like he #1 doesn't bring in enough money to support us and keeps claiming things are great, #2 gave me beautiful flowers that he will have to work off later and take away from our budget, #3 doesn't respect me enough to listen to my request of not buying anything, #4 tried to "mistakenly" pass of a thing i already own as a gift (hello, its in the package still because i didn't like it when your mother gave it to me 2 years ago dummy!) 

Am I acting like a spoiled brat like he says? Am i being immature? I just feel so crappy about it all and i don't know why. I can't identify it. DH and I have recently reconciled after a three month in home separation. To top it all off, this reconciliation is really new and I'm uncertain i want it. I feel like he was verbally and emotionally abusive over the last 17 years and I didn't even understand that was what was happening. We are in counseling but I feel like we are going round and round. I know i love him, but i have no respect for him or his morals or ethics. I think he's very lazy and blames everyone around him for his mistakes and blunders and doesn't take responsibility for anything. I also feel like he turns everything around on me and I'm so confused! 

I don't know if i want to be with him. When i'm angry with him all i see is the bad and man it feels like its all bad. But then when there's no stress we get along fine. good even. I don't know. Can anyone help me to decipher my feelings on this situation?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was like this last year but we had only been married 2 years (together for 4...with a 2 year old at the time). He did nothing...until 10am when he decided to get me flowers and I threw a fit. he didn't plan anything. I was so hurt!

Unbeknownst to me, he was VERY unhappy. He was detached and had pulled away from me and our marriage. He just smiled and said his stress was "work related". We separated a month later. *but we worked things out*

You have every right to feel the way you do. However, why is he like this? Have you asked why he doesn't put effort into holidays? I know days like this shouldn't matter, but they do. At least get the kids to make you something! That's all hubs did this year...he got the kids to make me stuff  (and he got me a mushy card) and I was over the moon.

Have you talked to him about how you feel without getting upset? What does he say?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Geez.... go ahead and separate for real. An in-home separation isn't really anything he can chew on. 

You aren't being spoiled or selfish or anything.... he is an idiot. A well-meaning idiot.... at this point anyway... but still, this is all him. He is dropping the ball on everything... money, affection, appreciation... 

All you can do is figure out EXACTLY what you want/need from him. Then communicate that very simply, even if it is a short list on the headboard. Then, figure out if you have any faith left in him ...faith that he can learn or will learn to participate in the marriage in a mature manner that you need. 

I'd say keep going to counseling, explain simply what you need to make this marriage doable...and give yourself a mental time limit for not just him to show improvement, but for the relationship to FEEL better and more solid, and for YOU to feel better. 

I can think of coping strategies, but the ones I know aren't geared toward saving a marriage.... just saving yourself.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Okay. Let me tell you about the mother's day I had for my wife. If you saw my other thread, you might get the sense that we're having relationship trouble. I had my epiphany the night before, and I had some things I needed to buy to finish getting ready, having had my epiphany really enabled me to be able to make my preparations.

So here's what I did, and it was done with a plan of doing something not that costly since I was between jobs, but meaningful. We have 2 kids, they love crafts, they love mommy. I spent Saturday with the kids and had them make presents for mommy - I bought them this craft kit with googly eyes, colorful pipe cleaners and colorful puff balls and they made pictures with elmer's glue on paper, my son made a googly eyed pipe cleaner monster and my daughter made hearts and happy faces.

The rest of the surprise was to try to make a pretend vacation for mommy. My daughter's task was to give mommy a salon treatment - brush hair, do nail polish, and wear matching outfits. My son's task was to serve her a smoothie like she was on vacation at a beach.


I think it sounds like the dude is trying, and you aren't acknowledging it. That's a problem. That's why you're asking. 

He needs ideas that fit within his constraints, one of which is apparently money - work with him, talk about the kinds of ideas I described here as another way he could try doing something personal. Restrain yourself if you feel like you're going to react defensively or in a reactionary manner, just listen and acknowledge his feelings and understand what he's trying to express.


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## amiwrong75 (May 17, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Then, figure out if you have any faith left in him ...faith that he can learn or will learn to participate in the marriage in a mature manner that you need.


Faith? I KNOW I don't have any faith in him. I "hope" that he can follow through with what he's promised and some days I actually BELIEVE he can. But, the hard truth is his track record. He makes promises or says things will be better when...

The sad thing is that I think in the two months of the reconciliation I'm pretty sure I've fallen back into my pattern of feeling like he's the only one in the world that can love/understand/accept me so I just take each day as it comes. I'm feeling like I have lost all of my improvements I've developed over the last year. Unfortunately I haven't yet learned how to communicate my sadness/depression/disappointment/anger without being hurtful so I don't say much about it. I have to think and think and think and then...its forgotten and it feels like its too late to bring it up. As I type this I'm inspired to change that again. To have the discussions that are necessary for change. I just don't have any idea how to do it out of love or kindness. He twists everything I say to make is so that I am being hurtful. Uggg....I'm so lost. I love him, I'm sure I do. I think. LOL I don't want to loose the years we had but I see them all so differently now. It's like I woke up from some crazy foggy dream and now I don't know if I'm still in it or still coming out of it. Counceling does help, but we spend so much time on details that we never get to the real stuff.


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## amiwrong75 (May 17, 2012)

WillK...it sounds like you are really creative! I love that idea! How wonderful. Thank you for your advice. I know it may sound like I haven't given him anything to work off of, but we have been together for 17 years and I didn't really get into what I've said in the past or how I said it, but do know that he knows. He's done it before. I did it for him. The biggest problem I had was the present he gave me that I already owned. It was on my desk. I don't know if he didn't know it was mine already, or what happened but, he tried to give me something, the exact something that my motherinlaw gave me. the very item, not one like it, the very one.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

amiwrong75 said:


> Unfortunately I haven't yet learned how to communicate my sadness/depression/disappointment/anger without being hurtful so I don't say much about it.


This.. I want to make a very specific suggestion on this because I had this problem and my epiphany really came from getting this figured out.

I had been frustrated. I ran a Yahoo search on the search term "How do I stop my wife from being angry" and I read an article which said that when my wife is angry, look her in the eyes and listen. When she's done, say this:

"Thank you, sweetheart, for telling me what is in the depths of your heart. I relish and appreciate openness and emotional intimacy with you. I'm not very good at it, but I intend to get better. In the meantime, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way you do. You have good reasons to be angry."

I printed this out and taped it to the ceiling over the couch where we usually sit.

Before the epiphany, I'd get defensive when she got angry or I'd react in ways that only inflamed her anger further. In a heightened emotional state, we as humans aren't going to be rationalized out of that state.

I've found that this approach has helped my wife react better to my own frustrations, and I can recognize when she reacts defensively to me and tell her "hold on, just listen and acknowledge my frustration."

Hope it helps at least give ya something to ponder.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

amiwrong75 said:


> WillK...it sounds like you are really creative! I love that idea! How wonderful. Thank you for your advice. I know it may sound like I haven't given him anything to work off of, but we have been together for 17 years and I didn't really get into what I've said in the past or how I said it, but do know that he knows. He's done it before. I did it for him. The biggest problem I had was the present he gave me that I already owned. It was on my desk. I don't know if he didn't know it was mine already, or what happened but, he tried to give me something, the exact something that my motherinlaw gave me. the very item, not one like it, the very one.


Sounds lazy. Think about my last post. If you can find a way of using the technique I described so that defensiveness doesn't come into the discussion, maybe he'll understand that if he was in your shoes he'd see it the way you saw it - lazy. If you learn a better way of dealing with eachothers frustrations in this example, maybe you'll be able to apply it with other frustrations too.


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## amiwrong75 (May 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Have you talked to him about how you feel without getting upset? What does he say?


I wasn't able to this time. But, I have before when we weren't getting along. I didn't have anything to lose if I said something that would upset him. But now I find myself keeping to myself again and trying to save things for counseling. But I feel myself slipping back into the resentment/anger/keep to myself pattern.

Every Mother's day has been a big deal, fancy brunch, fancy presents, fancy picture collages of the babies that he printed and framed. It was that this time he just half assed it. Totally didn't care to put any effort in. I feel so selfish when I say it out loud, but my feelings are hurt and I do need to tell him.


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## amiwrong75 (May 17, 2012)

WillK said:


> "Thank you, sweetheart, for telling me what is in the depths of your heart. I relish and appreciate openness and emotional intimacy with you. I'm not very good at it, but I intend to get better. In the meantime, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way you do. You have good reasons to be angry."
> Hope it helps at least give ya something to ponder.


What a great suggestion!!! Thank you. I will try it the next time we talk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amiwrong75 said:


> I wasn't able to this time. But, I have before when we weren't getting along. I didn't have anything to lose if I said something that would upset him. But now I find myself keeping to myself again and trying to save things for counseling. But I feel myself slipping back into the resentment/anger/keep to myself pattern.
> 
> Every Mother's day has been a big deal, fancy brunch, fancy presents, fancy picture collages of the babies that he printed and framed. It was that this time he just half assed it. Totally didn't care to put any effort in. I feel so selfish when I say it out loud, but my feelings are hurt and I do need to tell him.


So this is the first time he did not do something that was a 'big deal'?

I'm a bit confused.... yes the recycled present was tacky... he gave you a huge flower arrangment.... that he will have to do some hours of work to pay off. Last time I checked, work is effort.

If this is the only time he has done something like the tacky present then I think you were right in being disappointed in the recycled present. But you were wrong in screaming and yelling. 

Did your children see you lose it?

The most I ever got from a husband for mother's day was a card. I am mostly the one who taught the children to do things.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If he half assed it this time, I'd wonder what else was up...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amiwrong75,

Tell me about what kind of things you do for father's day every year.


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