# suspect my wife ... GPS recommendations?



## husbandfool

Just found this web site ... great info! Anyway, some background ... married 10 yrs, a few teenagers left in the house. Should have all the kids out of the house in 4 years. Recently, we've had a bunch of friction/stress over financial issues (which she blames me for). Been going to couples counseling for years now. It's been a lot of work keeping together. I could talk more on that but .. later.
It may be just stress but, my W has been spending a lot of time away from home the last few months. She works out of state and often stays at her siblings house a few days at a time, to cut down on commuting. Lately she's been more withdrawn, shown no interest in intimacy, and just not "there" emotionally. She also spends a lot of time at the gym, running club, or biking with bike club. I think there is a lot of opportunity, since she's often with athletic groups and lots of men. She is in shape and attractive. All the red flags are there but so far, no smoking gun .. no excessive emailing or cell calls. I just am uncomfortable over the changes in the last few moths ... just getting more distant. I picked up a VAR but haven't tried it in her car yet. Haven't figure out how best to hide it. She does most of her cell calls while in the car so, if anythings going on, that's where it would happen.
I also want to get a GPS tracking device, to put in her car. I want to see if she really is staying at her sibling's house or going somewhere else. If I'm wrong I'll feel like a fool but I hate not knowing.

Any recommendations on a small GPS tracking device? Should I get a data-logging unit or one that tracks in real time? I want something that is reliable and small.

Thanks in advance.


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## keko

Sorry you're here.

I always suggest this one its real time, Real Time GPS Car Tracker - 1st 3 Months Free - BrickHouse Exclusive Deal

Hide the VAR under the drivers seat, with a velcro or another heavy duty tape.


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## tacoma

keko said:


> Sorry you're here.
> 
> I always suggest this one its real time, Real Time GPS Car Tracker - 1st 3 Months Free - BrickHouse Exclusive Deal
> 
> Hide the VAR under the drivers seat, with a velcro or another heavy duty tape.


I have used one of these and they are excellent.

The web based tracking software is real time and it even allows you to draw a "geofence" around any area you want where you can be alerted by e-mail the moment the subject crosses into the area in question.

It isn`t cheap though.

I don`t recall what the tracker cost me but I paid $300.00 for three months access to the online tracking site. 

There are cheaper options involving cell phones.

Buy a cheap Android phone and data plan.

install this app on it..

https://seekdroid.com/v2/

Stash it in the car.
You`re good to go.


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## husbandfool

I like the Android phone idea. Always wanted a smart phone.
How well does it work?
I'll need a phone with long battery life. I'll check it out. Thx.


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## husbandfool

keko said:


> Sorry you're here.
> 
> I always suggest this one its real time, Real Time GPS Car Tracker - 1st 3 Months Free - BrickHouse Exclusive Deal
> 
> Hide the VAR under the drivers seat, with a velcro or another heavy duty tape.


It looks nice but, I'd like one that I don't need to subscribe to a monthly plan for. Are there good units I can just buy? I suppose a data logging device would be cheaper.


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## keko

It has a free 3month subscription, Im sure you'll have a clue if your wife is cheating or not within 1 week.


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## tacoma

husbandfool said:


> I like the Android phone idea. Always wanted a smart phone.
> How well does it work?
> I'll need a phone with long battery life. I'll check it out. Thx.


The seek droid app is good but not as exact or as reliable as the Spark Nano tracker.
It also tracks in real time
It should suit your needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peachy Cat

I always hate it when my gut is telling me something's not right.

I'm sorry you are here. I hope you get the info you need her on TAM; lot's of folks with lots of experience...

Good luck, I hope you find NOTHING


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## EleGirl

To hide the VAR in the car use velcro with adhesive backing. Put the velcro on the auto surface and on the back of the VAR. Under the front seat usually work well.


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## tacoma

keko said:


> It has a free 3month subscription, Im sure you'll have a clue if your wife is cheating or not within 1 week.


If Brick house is giving up 3 monthsubscriptions then that us the way to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

After you gather, make sure you get back here for the most effective confrontation there are alot a variables and its nice to get other perspectives.

As you can see the help you are getting now, you will also get when its time to confront.

So please do not let your emotions get to you and jump the gun. Its so easy for this crap to go deeper underground. Depending on the sitch, there are step you can take to have a very effective confrontation.

BTW you are one up then most, a few have a hard time dealing with verifying getting burned versus invading waywards privacy.

Well played sir.


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## husbandfool

Thx. I haven't brought up any suspicions with W yet. I'm playing this quietly ... stealth mode. I don't want to look like a fool if I'm wrong.

I've been poking through these forums, reading other stories on WWs. It has been helpful and I'm getting an idea what type of things I might be up against. 
The W is planning to be away this week again for a few days. I'll first try planting the VAR in the car while I wait for the GPS to show up. I'm hoping I'm being overly suspicious and that I'm wrong. I should know in a few weeks I think. In the meantime I'll post again as things progress.
If I'm right, this will be a deal breaker. We've had a lot of conflict over the years and this would be the convincing event, if it happens. The W is very strong minded, always right, and very "alpha". At the same time, she is very critical of me for not standing up to her. She is sharp tongued and can carve you to pieces in an argument. I'm more easy going ... a roll with the punches type of guy. Needless to say it's been a strange trip so far.


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## husbandfool

More background ... this is a blended family. We both were single parents before we met. I have come to realize that she married me out of convenience, to get away from a bad situation. Now she has learned to love me over the years (her words). 
She was a wild child when in college while I was pretty conservative. She had sometimes mentioned how, in the past, she had slept with a lot of guys, just to use them for sex. She also openly promotes being sexually active with someone your dating. Gotta "kick the tires" before you can know if you're interested in buying! (her words) 
She has a lot of male friends and sometimes she can be openly provocative, in conversation. This tends to turn guys on (I've noticed) and I think she likes that.

We both work full time jobs but, with very different schedules. Her schedule takes her away from home a lot. My salary is more than hers and it accounts for a comfortable life style. I often think that this was a major reason she married me, and a reason she is still around.

Anyway, I can bore you with more anecdotal info but, gotta run for now.


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## keko

Does she use facebook? Or check her emails often?


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## husbandfool

Yes, I've checked her emails and facebook but she doesn't seem to use either very much, unless she has another login I'm not aware of.


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## Fvstringpicker

husbandfool said:


> She has a lot of male friends and sometimes she can be openly provocative, in conversation. This tends to turn guys on (I've noticed) and I think she likes that.


All it takes to turn most guys on is the belief they may be able to get in the girl's pants, personality notwithstanding.


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## keko

A keylogger might come in handy. 

But being away from you, being easy with other guys and spending a lot of time exercising are all HUGE red flags. Can you or a close friend folow her next time she's out? The problem with GPS is it could show a parking lot with one side facing a motel and the other to shopping center, etc. etc.


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## husbandfool

another fun tidbit .... after we married, I found out that while we were going out she was actually seeing two other guys as well. She was also having sex with all three of us. She needed the info before making a decision on who to commit to. I think this went on for about three months or so. I wasn't aware of it at the time. If I was, I would have ran for the hills. I found out years later, over some beers. She had a good laugh over it and thought it was all pretty funny. I wasn't very amused.


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## EleGirl

You might want to put a keylogger on her computer so you can find out if there are other accounts.

Why don't you join her in some of her sports activities? Doing these things together could help improve your marriage all the way around.


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## keko

husbandfool said:


> another fun tidbit .... after we married, I found out that while we were going out she was actually seeing two other guys as well. She was also having sex with all three of us. She needed the info before making a decision on who to commit to. I think this went on for about three months or so. I wasn't aware of it at the time. If I was, I would have ran for the hills. I found out years later, over some beers. She had a good laugh over it and thought it was all pretty funny. I wasn't very amused.


You might want to get tested for STDs.

What a piece you got there, she has no shame in laughing about it.....


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## EleGirl

husbandfool said:


> another fun tidbit .... after we married, I found out that while we were going out she was actually seeing two other guys as well. She was also having sex with all three of use. She needed the info before making a decision on who to commit to. I think this went on for about three months or so. I wasn't aware of it at the time. If I was, I would have ran for the hills. I found out years later, over some beers. She had a good laugh over it and thought it was all pretty funny.


Wow, she told you and laughed? Were you the most finacially stable of the 3?

How long did you date her?

How long between the time that she gave up the other two and your wedding?


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## husbandfool

Yes, I am the most stable and have the larger salary and had a nice house in a nice neighborhood. We dated about 1 yr before marrying. So, given the 3+ months that she was "playing the field" that would be 8-9 months before we got married. Of course the 2 other guys are what she has admitted to. There could have been more, and I'm sure there were more just before we met. She was dating for a year or two before we met. She would never do anything on the first date (I believe her) but, watch out on the second date! She is very "alpha" and sexually aggressive when she wants something.


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## husbandfool

Yeah, I found out all this stuff a few years into the marriage. At that point all the kids had bonded to each other, and to us, so I didn't pursue it much.iii


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## keko

Given her history and behavior I think you should start planning yourself for a horrible truth to come out. That includes seperating finance's, hiding any valuable items in the house, and I hope you signed a pre-nup to protect yourself from getting fleeced.


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## jh52

husbandfool said:


> another fun tidbit .... After we married, i found out that while we were going out she was actually seeing two other guys as well. She was also having sex with all three of us. She needed the info before making a decision on who to commit to. I think this went on for about three months or so. I wasn't aware of it at the time. If i was, i would have ran for the hills. I found out years later, over some beers. She had a good laugh over it and thought it was all pretty funny. I wasn't very amused.


wow !!


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## Chaparral

There are two books you absolutely need to read asap while you are waiting on information.

No More Mister Nice Guy

Married Man Sex Life (not a sex manual)

There are also two blogs that go with these two books. There are a couple of other books you and your wife need to read.

Check out Jerry's thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45341-new-thread-update-ok-here-my-story.html

This is his second thread I think. Find his first thread and read it first. He has an alpha wife and she may be cheating.


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## Chaparral

BTW, I hope nothing is going on, however, read the two books, follow the advice to the tee and you will have a much better marriage. Unless she can't stand real men.


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## bryanp

Do you feel special and proud that she is your wife? I feel very sorry for you. Please get tested for STD's to be on the safe side. Her entire life she has been a player. It seems she has not changed much at all.


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## happyman64

HF,

I think the VAR and gps tracker will get you what you need to satisfy your gut.

I definitely see the red flags like everyone else here.

Since she travels so much during the week the additional clubs really take her away from not just you but the family.

Big red flag there.

Be smart and be quiet.

HM64


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## Rose292

Maybe it's time to kick a few tires yourself.


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## husbandfool

Rose292 said:


> Maybe it's time to kick a few tires yourself.


 Nah, not me. I'm not that kind of guy. Plus, I always consider how the kids view the parents' behavior.


BTW, I did get tested for STDs .. negative. That was about 6 years ago.


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## jerry123

chapparal said:


> There are two books you absolutely need to read asap while you are waiting on information.
> 
> No More Mister Nice Guy
> 
> Married Man Sex Life (not a sex manual)
> 
> There are also two blogs that go with these two books. There are a couple of other books you and your wife need to read.
> 
> Check out Jerry's thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45341-new-thread-update-ok-here-my-story.html
> 
> This is his second thread I think. Find his first thread and read it first. He has an alpha wife and she may be cheating.


Yes, look in my profile and see my threads...
I know what you mean by alpha female. I've read both books and i am in the process of changing myself. 

I suspect my wife of an EA or PA with a neighbor. My mistake was to confront with no proof. But i have VAR/GPS going while she goes to work. Nothing strange yet...But of course it may have went underground now so i will just keep checking.


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## husbandfool

Hi Jerry,
Thx. I've been looking over your thread. Sorry to meet you here.
My W is a smart women but, not very computer savvy. If she's using the computer for this (facebook, emails, etc) I'm sure she'll slip up at some point.


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## Thorburn

My youngest son ordered one and installed it on my wife's (his mother's) car. It used an older cell phone, was cheap. He paid for an activation fee and a monthly charge. We could track it in real time on line. It served it's purpose for me. It is still in the car and she does not know it and can be activated at any time.

The drawback. In real time it was not always accurate though once it went into history it was fairly close. What I mean is that as we were tracking her the icon showing the car's location would show it in a field, in reality she was in a parking lot at the OM's place of work about 200 meters away. For me, this was fine because she was in a rural area and there was no explaining away (I never revealed this to her) where she was. If I had printed out the picture on the computer and showed it to her this is what she would have seen. Her car sitting in a corn field 200 meters away from the meat plant that the OM worked for 1/2 hour. 
The problem with this was in the city. I at first suspected someone else and this cheap unit would show her 4 blocks away from her real location. When her car was parked at our house at night it would show it 4 blocks away. So for city use I would not want a cheap unit like I have. In farm country it is more than fine.

The program had a history. That was very accurate. It showed a map of the roads she was on and where she parked, for how long, etc.


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## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> Hi Jerry,
> Thx. I've been looking over your thread. Sorry to meet you here.
> My W is a smart women but, not very computer savvy. If she's using the computer for this (facebook, emails, etc) I'm sure she'll slip up at some point.


Yes, our wives are much alike. Thing is, I'm a stay at home dad. She tells me we are equal but does not really mean it. She used to belittle me in front of family and friends. And would scream at me in front of kids over the dumbest things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

Jerry,
Sounds like our wives are similar in some ways. My W doesn't often scream but, she is very articulate, can carve you to pieces verbally, and is great at making you feel like you are always the problem. She will also sometimes use language that would make a sailor blush.


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## husbandfool

Interesting update ....
Last night we were just talking and the subject came up of a couple we know who recently separated. Our guess is that the W was cheating and left. We had seen her in town with another guy recently.
Anyway, my W commented that it was a silly reason to break up and that they should just "get over it" (the W cheating and having an affair). It wasn't a big deal .... small potatos, and nothing to break up over. (her words).

Wow! Now my antennas are really up.


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## jerry123

Yeah, it seems like we have the power hungry women. I read both those books mentioned and it seemed to work right away but seems like i have a long road ahead.

My gut feeling was the first thing that made me keep my eyes and ears open.

I confronted with no proof and i got the "if you are accusing me then you must be cheating" saying. and "What proof do you have."
Got really defensive and would not talk to me for a few days. 
After i talked with her and said i need a change (going back to work, doing more things for myself) she spent a whole saturday depressed and in bed. That night i came up to bed late and she initiated sex and we did things for 1 1/2 hours. Then sex was 7-8 times over 2 weeks. 

But things now have been back to same old. 1 time over the last 7 days. She is still trying to show me she has more power now.


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## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> Interesting update ....
> Last night we were just talking and the subject came up of a couple we know who recently separated. Our guess is that the W was cheating and left. We had seen her in town with another guy recently.
> Anyway, my W commented that it was a silly reason to break up and that they should just "get over it" (the W cheating and having an affair). It wasn't a big deal .... small potatos, and nothing to break up over. (her words).
> 
> Wow! Now my antennas are really up.


oh boy...the things people will say in a "fog". You should have said how you feel about that statement. My guess is you let it go...which in the past i would have but now i say what is on my mind.


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## husbandfool

Yeah, I let her comments go. Right now I'm in quite mode, trying to find evidence. If I find anything, that will be the end. I've put up with so much the last 10 years that if I find that she has had an A, I won't even consider R.


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## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> Yeah, I let her comments go. Right now I'm in quite mode, trying to find evidence. If I find anything, that will be the end. I've put up with so much the last 10 years that if I find that she has had an A, I won't even consider R.


I see...i know you are in investigation mode but in the future if you find nothing please start standing up for yourself. You need to give her your opinion. By her saying that last night and you NOT saying anything, she pretty much spoke your words for you and assumes what she feels is what you feel.

BTW, on average how many times do you and your wife have sex.


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## husbandfool

jerry123 said:


> I see...i know you are in investigation mode but in the future if you find nothing please start standing up for yourself. You need to give her your opinion. By her saying that last night and you NOT saying anything, she pretty much spoke your words for you and assumes what she feels is what you feel.
> 
> BTW, on average how many times do you and your wife have sex.


I see your point. I need to read up more on this stuff. You're right. At one of our counselling sessions my W announced that I "needed to grow a pair". I guess she might be out shopping for a rental "pair" herself lately?!

We used to have sex several times a week. However, the last 3 months it's been maybe once every 3 weeks. And then she wants it doen in 5 minutes so she can get some sleep. She is often tired at night and has started taking sleeping pills at home. This means she's out cold by 9:30PM ... not much happening most nights.

Interestingly, last night she was very receptive to sex. That took me by surprised.


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## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> I see your point. I need to read up more on this stuff. You're right. At one of our counselling sessions my W announced that I "needed to grow a pair". I guess she might be out shopping for a rental "pair" herself lately?!
> 
> We used to have sex several times a week. However, the last 3 months it's been maybe once every 3 weeks. And then she wants it doen in 5 minutes so she can get some sleep. She is often tired at night and has started taking sleeping pills at home. This means she's out cold by 9:30PM ... not much happening most nights.
> 
> Interestingly, last night she was very receptive to sex. That took me by surprised.



Hmmm...same boat i was in (or maybe still am). 

Don't let a surprise sex night by wife change your gut feeling. 
And sleeping pills are not needed unless she thinks she needs more sleep to get more energy up for an affair. Why would she be taking those pills?


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## husbandfool

Oh, anothr tidbit I forgot to mention ... about a month ago we started seeing a financial advisor together, trying to clear up some debt and save for college for the kids. Anyway, at one of the meetings the W brought up the possibility of getting a divorce to help out with things. That way she could live separately, and I would take on most of the debt since my CC is loaded and some college loans are taken out in my name.

I told her that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and wasn't interested.

We both keep separate accounts and credi cards.


The more I recount all these incidents, the more I see a pattern of red flags! I am very tempted to confront her and ask her outright about an A. However, I don't want to tip my hand and have her go underground.


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## husbandfool

Her reasoning fo rthe sleeping pills is that she is losing too much sleep due to hot flashes at night. It sounded plausible to me.


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## TDSC60

husbandfool said:


> I see your point. I need to read up more on this stuff. You're right. At one of our counselling sessions my W announced that I "needed to grow a pair". I guess she might be out shopping for a rental "pair" herself lately?!
> 
> We used to have sex several times a week. However, the last 3 months it's been maybe once every 3 weeks. And then she wants it doen in 5 minutes so she can get some sleep. She is often tired at night and has started taking sleeping pills at home. This means she's out cold by 9:30PM ... not much happening most nights.
> 
> Interestingly, last night she was very receptive to sex. That took me by surprised.


A sudden unexplained drop in frequency of sex is another huge red flag. She is used to getting it several times a week. She is probably STILL maintaining the same frequency - just not with you.

The sleeping pills taken early in the evening gives her an excuse to save herself for the OM.

The comment that adultery is no big deal is very disturbing. 

Stay vigilant. She will slip up.


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## jh52

Just a question -- besides the kids -- why would you want to be married to this woman -- even if she isn't having an affair ?? Divorce is not easy -- but the kids and you deserve better.


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## baldmale

husbandfool said:


> I am very tempted to confront her and ask her outright about an A.



I asked my wife straight up if she was "seeing someone else" when I had red flags whacking me in the head for months. She, of course, said "no." Cheaters lie. Don't waste your breath asking her. Believe nothing that comes out of a cheaters mouth. Continue to monitor...get the proof. There isn't another way, sadly.


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## husbandfool

Well, I am actually home with the kids most nights and I would miss that if we got a D. Funny, the marriage seems more like a business relationship now. I'm home to run the ship while she works, she takes care of kid stuff, etc. We are almost like roommates, sharing a house.


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## keko

How long has it been like that?


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## husbandfool

keko said:


> How long has it been like that?


Not sure. It has sort of evolved into this. I would say over the last 1-2 years.


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## keko

Have you though about hiring a PI for when she is out at the gym or other sports?


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## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> Well, I am actually home with the kids most nights and I would miss that if we got a D. Funny, the marriage seems more like a business relationship now. I'm home to run the ship while she works, she takes care of kid stuff, etc. We are almost like roommates, sharing a house.


Bingo!!!! That is not good. 


Don't confront yet, if you have no proof she will cut you down if I think she is the woman I think she is. Probably even make you think YOU are having an affair. I know how bad you want to ask her but please wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

keko said:


> Have you though about hiring a PI for when she is out at the gym or other sports?


I've thought about that but, I want to try the VAR and GPS idea first.


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## keko

husbandfool said:


> I've thought about that but, I want to try the VAR and GPS idea first.


Are her siblings the kind that will keep a secret no matter how damaging it may be? Can you account for her time when she is staying with them?


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## jh52

husbandfool said:


> I've thought about that but, I want to try the VAR and GPS idea first.


I understand this logic. I also see that Jerry is posting on your thread and that you read his story.

My suggestion to you is go look in the mirror -- and tell yourself you will not be "so nice". In other words -- grow a pair today -- and let her rant and rage at you all she wants. You are letting her walk all over you like a puppy and you are just taking it.

Please don't take this as a personal assault on your character -- but sometimes a change is needed because the person and the way you respond to her now is NOT working.

It may have worked before -- but she has changed -- and NOW you MUST change !!


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## husbandfool

jh52 said:


> I understand this logic. I also see that Jerry is posting on your thread and that you read his story.
> 
> My suggestion to you is go look in the mirror -- and tell yourself you will not be "so nice". In other words -- grow a pair today -- and let her rant and rage at you all she wants. You are letting her walk all over you like a puppy and you are just taking it.
> 
> Please don't take this as a personal assault on your character -- but sometimes a change is needed because the person and the way you respond to her now is NOT working.
> 
> It may have worked before -- but she has changed -- and NOW you MUST change !!


You're right. I have been thinking of this ... becoming more independent ... doing more things with my friends, giving myself more priority, becoming more assertive, etc. I don't plan on running after her and trying to win her attention. The heck with that nonsense.


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## husbandfool

keko said:


> Are her siblings the kind that will keep a secret no matter how damaging it may be? Can you account for her time when she is staying with them?


Actually, the sibling is rarely home and the W uses it as a place to crash, most often by herself (mehopes). If the W was having an affair with someone from work, I couldn't imagine a more ideal setup for her!


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## keko

husbandfool said:


> Actually, the sibling is rarely home and the W uses it as a place to crash, most often by herself (mehopes). If the W was having an affair with someone from work, I couldn't imagine a more ideal setup for her!


How far is that house? Any chance you or a friend can driveby one day/night?


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## AngryandUsed

Wait. Patience. Act normal.
In your case so far, there are red flags. Keep up your vigil, HF.
DO NOT Confront until you have all the necessary proofs.

Sorry you are here, HF.
You seem to be sincere.....


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## Shaggy

Oh man not good.

An alpha female who obviously places a high importance on sex, and now she's slowed it right down and is impatient to get it over with. Pretty sure you are going to find an A.

But wait, just before going on her trip she's getting frisky. That's sounds like shes anticipating a lot of fun coming her way and she's worked up. So a bad bad sign for what she is gong to up to this trip.

The sleeping pills don't help with hot flashes, there are things that do but not sleeping pills. You should check them out, I think she is using them to avoid hooking up with you.

Can you have someone check up on what she's doing this week on the trip? A little $ spent on a PI for a couple days work might finalize your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

I'm looking forward to the GPS tracker and VAR giving me info.
I am being patient and want to gather some info myself.

Her work location is 1.5 hrs drive from me so, not that easy to swing in and check.


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## Shaggy

husbandfool said:


> I'm looking forward to the GPS tracker and VAR giving me info.
> I am being patient and want to gather some info myself.
> 
> Her work location is 1.5 hrs drive from me so, not that easy to swing in and check.


Not you check! You want a PI to do the checking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

keko said:


> Sorry you're here.
> 
> I always suggest this one its real time, Real Time GPS Car Tracker - 1st 3 Months Free - BrickHouse Exclusive Deal
> 
> Hide the VAR under the drivers seat, with a velcro or another heavy duty tape.


If I order this, will it be shipped to me discretely (unmarked box)? If not I'll have to have it shipped to my work address.


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## keko

husbandfool said:


> If I order this, will it be shipped to me discretely (unmarked box)? If not I'll have to have it shipped to my work address.


I had an older version, it came a brickhouse security logo/writing on the box.


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## tacoma

husbandfool said:


> If I order this, will it be shipped to me discretely (unmarked box)? If not I'll have to have it shipped to my work address.


I had it shipped to my work because I was unsure.

The package was unmarked but it did have "Brickhouse Security" in the return address field so best ship to work.


----------



## keko

If you haven't ordered it yet, a PI might be more efficient. Time wise, instead of waiting the GPS to be shipped.


----------



## jerry123

I got a good VAR at best buy. Cost $100 but it is small and only records when voices are heard. Then went to Walmart and got 3M Velcro. Put one side of Velcro under seat and the other velcro on back of VAR.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## husbandfool

jerry123 said:


> I got a good VAR at best buy. Cost $100 but it is small and only records when voices are heard. Then went to Walmart and got 3M Velcro. Put one side of Velcro under seat and the other velcro on back of VAR.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I picked up the VAR already ... Radio Shack. It seems to work fine. I've got the velcro and just need the opportunity with her car, when noone is around.


----------



## husbandfool

tacoma said:


> I had it shipped to my work because I was unsure.
> 
> The package was unmarked but it did have "Brickhouse Security" in the return address field so best ship to work.


Yeah, I think I'll go that route. No need to have to answer questions at home about the package.


----------



## slater

The VAR should do the trick. Worked for me in 2 days and it's cheap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## husbandfool

EleGirl said:


> You might want to put a keylogger on her computer so you can find out if there are other accounts.
> 
> Why don't you join her in some of her sports activities? Doing these things together could help improve your marriage all the way around.


I'll try the keylogger, good idea.

As for joining her, she is into competitive sports (triathlons, marathons, etc). I can't run anymore due to joint problems. I bike some but, recreationally.


----------



## husbandfool

Just ordered the Brickhouse GPS tracker. Will plant the VAR and by end of this week should start having some feedback. Will post any findings.

Just got the "Oh, btw ... I need to stay away an extra night this week because of my work schedule". 

So, she's home 3-4 nights a week, average. A typical week has us having just one night where we can sit down and have dinner together as a family.
She knows I'm not happy with this but, I just need to "buck up".


----------



## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> Just ordered the Brickhouse GPS tracker. Will plant the VAR and by end of this week should start having some feedback. Will post any findings.
> 
> Just got the "Oh, btw ... I need to stay away an extra night this week because of my work schedule".
> 
> So, she's home 3-4 nights a week, average. A typical week has us having just one night where we can sit down and have dinner together as a family.
> She knows I'm not happy with this but, I just need to "buck up".


Wow, i thought my wife was bad. 

Please, voice your opinion and be stern about it. Not like you want to fight about it but be stern and don't back down. At first she will try and keep her control over you because a change in control is NOT what she wants. That is what you want...


----------



## kenmoore14217

husbandfool said:


> Just got the "Oh, btw ... I need to stay away an extra night this week because of my work schedule".
> 
> So, she's home 3-4 nights a week, average. A typical week has us having just one night where we can sit down and have dinner together as a family.
> She knows I'm not happy with this but, I just need to "buck up".


Response:

Oh, BTW dear wife, I changed the locks and threw your crap on the front lawn !!


----------



## husbandfool

I need to find my own activities, clubs, sports, etc ... where I can get away for a day or 2 at a time .... on a regular basis. It would be good for me. I've always wanted to be home though, for the kids. It's good to have at least one parent there constantly, to provide soem stability for the kids.

The W does have valid reasons for staying overnight for work, and I know her work schedule. She has 1.5 hr commute each way otherwise. Still, I'm not sure about what happens between work shifts.


----------



## Machiavelli

husbandfool said:


> The W does have valid reasons for staying overnight for work, and I know her work schedule. She has 1.5 hr commute each way otherwise. Still, I'm not sure about what happens between work shifts.


That's why the Lord made private investigators.


----------



## jerry123

kenmoore14217 said:


> Response:
> 
> Oh, BTW dear wife, I changed the locks and threw your crap on the front lawn !!


Would love to see her face if he said that. Hey go ahead and say that, during a recent arguement with the wife she told me I better go to a motel and sleep there if I keep up an arguement. I told her I'm not going anywhere and suggested she go find a hotel to sleep the night if her attidude does not change. She shut her mouth quick after that and sat there and listened me out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> I need to find my own activities, clubs, sports, etc ... where I can get away for a day or 2 at a time .... on a regular basis. It would be good for me. I've always wanted to be home though, for the kids. It's good to have at least one parent there constantly, to provide soem stability for the kids.
> 
> The W does have valid reasons for staying overnight for work, and I know her work schedule. She has 1.5 hr commute each way otherwise. Still, I'm not sure about what happens between work shifts.


That is not a long commute if she wants to be with her family...she has gotten so used to you believing that this commute is so far that it's such an easy excuse to use. Which gives her all the time for an A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

Not sure if you said this before -- but could she work from home a couple of days a week ?? Also -- 1.5 hours in the car each way -- could she take other transportation -- train, bus, etc. 

With her in the car for 3 hours each day -- once the VAR gets installed -- be prepared for the worst == that is a long time in the car and I would guess she doesn't talk to you on the drives.


----------



## husbandfool

she works 12-hour night shifts, typically 3 days a week. The commute becomes brutal.


----------



## keko

Which industry is she in?

Are you suspecting any specific person to be OM?


----------



## husbandfool

she is a nurse so, no reall opportunity to work from home. No clue as to OM. 
There is still a chance it is my imagination (I hope).

BTW, are these GPS units sensitive to placement with a car?
I want to make sure it is really well hidden and tucked away.


----------



## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> she is a nurse so, no reall opportunity to work from home. No clue as to OM.
> There is still a chance it is my imagination (I hope).
> 
> BTW, are these GPS units sensitive to placement with a car?
> I want to make sure it is really well hidden and tucked away.



Mine works well even in the trunk under a plastic piece. They sell magnetic cases that slip under cars steel frame but they are costly. I own the same one as you, the company says it can't be put in trunk but I did and it works. 

What kind of car if you dont mind me asking. Make/model...I understand if you dont want to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma

The Spark nano works from the trunk of a car.


----------



## husbandfool

Neat. I'll try a few dry runs with my own car first.


----------



## Machiavelli

husbandfool said:


> she is a nurse so, no reall opportunity to work from home.


Several of my friends from childhood put their XWWs through nursing school. No known adultery prior to that career.


----------



## husbandfool

She's away at track tonight again. I hope to get the VAR in the car soon. She's had the car almost nonstop and I've been tied up with my work. For finances, we keep a joint check/savings account and we both also keep our own separate bank accounts. I have no idea what she does with her money or how much she has as a balance. I'm more transparent.


----------



## lordmayhem

husbandfool said:


> She's away at track tonight again. I hope to get the VAR in the car soon. She's had the car almost nonstop and I've been tied up with my work. For finances, we keep a joint check/savings account and we both also keep our own separate bank accounts. I have no idea what she does with her money or how much she has as a balance. I'm more transparent.


Ahh..the usual "my money is our money and her money is her money"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Does she get bank statements?

Make sure to tansfer the joint account funds into your personal before confronting her.


----------



## husbandfool

lordmayhem said:


> Ahh..the usual "my money is our money and her money is her money"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Funny how that works!


----------



## cantthinkstraight

I went with the iTrail GPS Logger and so far,
it works perfectly. It's not a real time device, but
it maps out the driving routes taken, the speed, every
stop, etc. It's great.

It stays charged for 120 hours I believe and was $200.

Couldn't be happier.


----------



## jerry123

The spark nano works best if you need real time. Thing is, my default was set to 5 minutes. You need to call brick house security and have them change it to 1 minute tracking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123

Any thing new??? Update...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

jerry123 said:


> Any thing new??? Update...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


bump.


----------



## jerry123

keko said:


> bump.


I know, was waiting for some news ever since he posted 2 weeks ago. Must not be good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

He logged in yesterday and has been posting to other threads.


----------



## husbandfool

Ugh ... quick reply. Have been busy with our counselor sessions and such. Not to mention that I have been doing max hours at work. My job has become very demanding and stressful lately, which hasn't helped things. Lots of unpaid overtime. No clear evidence yet with the GPS and VAR. The W is giving me more distance and drawing away. Not sure what is going on. She may be just punishing me emotionally or it could be an affair.


----------



## husbandfool

Sex is a memory. We have been just doing our own things, under the same roof. I may just give her the ok to see other guys. Lately, I don't care that much. I'm just fried.


----------



## keko

Anyway you can verify she is alone in that house and noone is stoping by?

Usually no sex translates into one spouse getting it from somewhere else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

keko said:


> Anyway you can verify she is alone in that house and noone is stoping by?
> 
> Usually no sex translates into one spouse getting it from somewhere else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

And I'm not going to post the link to that thread in the cheater forum where the cheaters are gritting their teeth when they have sex with their betrayed husband.


----------



## sirdano

This past month I told my wife I will keep working OT so you don't have to work but you got to keep me satisfied.

Let me tell you working nights 12 hours for 5 days straight with on call on days off with out sex I would not make it.


----------



## happyman64

husbandfool said:


> Sex is a memory. We have been just doing our own things, under the same roof. I may just give her the ok to see other guys. Lately, I don't care that much. I'm just fried.


Why make it so easy....

Just ask her if she wants out of the marriage????

Give her facts. 

You might get an honest answer.....


----------



## Chaparral

You really need to read up. Start with the "Married Man Sex Life" Book . There is also a blog. Also, "No More Mister Nice Guy". Your wife is/has rapidly losing respect for you.

Good luck, but YOU need to wake up. Working like a dog isn't half what it takes to keep a family a family.

Almost always the wife has beenletting you know, in her own inscrutable way, what is wrong and what she needs but you don't listen and do not get it. You think you are listening but you are missing it.


----------



## husbandfool

Hmmm ... got to get MMSL book. Thx. 
We went to couples counseling last night. She claims she doesn't want divorce ... doesn't believe in it. 
I don't want divorce either but, life is too short to spend it with someone if you are both miserable together. I consider that divorce is always an option. (and I told her all this)


----------



## keko

Cake eaters never believe in divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

keko said:


> Cake eaters never believe in divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Because then, they wouldn't have the security of marriage to fall back on anymore. Someone's gotta help pay the bills, babysit the kids, etc, so that they can give their love and have their fun with someone else.


----------



## Chaparral

husbandfool said:


> Hmmm ... got to get MMSL book. Thx.
> We went to couples counseling last night. She claims she doesn't want divorce ... doesn't believe in it.
> I don't want divorce either but, life is too short to spend it with someone if you are both miserable together. I consider that divorce is always an option. (and I told her all this)


The two books I recomended are for men.

Three books you and your wife should read are:

Love Busters

His Needs Her Needs

Five Love Languages

these are a must.

If you think there is a possibility of an emotional or physical affair you need to also get the book 

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass I don't have this lst one but it is recommende highl over an over here.

Good luck and prayers for your family

Chap


----------



## the guy

hf.
I've been there and having been fried and the work thing can lead you to letting her get her boytoy. So having been there I can tell you with the up most cetainty that letting her behave this way will lead to a snowball that will lead to a self distructing behavior for her and will end in alot of pain for both of you.

13 yrs ago I was were you are at now. I did my thing (work) and she did her thing (boytoys).....we both ended up in some very unhealthy behaviors. On her end, it was more dangerous with regards to the ONS and all the strange. But after 20 OM in the last 13 yrs I can say that, in a way we saved each other by facing this crap head on.

So my friend I have to strongly suggest you face this sh1T head on, right freaking now!!!!!!!!!! Set your boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed. Sure your chick might be messing around now, but letting it go like I did was the worst mistake in both my life and my fWW life. We both agree we should have faced her infidelity when it was with her 1st OM.

Again, dude you are looking at this way wrong, trust me, I said the exact same thing " let her have a boy friend I don't care" and it didn't work out to well for both of us in the long run.

So you have been warned. now its up to you to care or not....and possibly end up like me.......


----------



## husbandfool

Thx folks. Yeah, I was depressed when I wrote that. No way I really would knowingly let her see other guys. So, last night we had a heated, emotional discussion over our relationship .. why she is so unhappy, where do we want to go ... etc. So far, I've made no mention of cheating, affairs, etc. so, she seems to be unaware of my suspicions and that's fine. I want to get some piece of evidence before I make any accusations. 
The GPS and VAR haven't captured anything really "juicey" yet. There were a few brief conversations that were suspicious but, they could be easily explained away as friendly "banter" with friends as well.
I went ahead and ordered the MMSL book and should get it in a few days. Can't wait to read it.


----------



## keko

Even after you do get evidence don't tell her how you got it, just say you know it.


----------



## husbandfool

Hi,
Haven't posted in awhile. I've tried the GPS with nothing found yet. The big thing is that things have blown up at home with my teenage son. Acting out, conflicts, etc ... even involving the police. That, coupled with the fact that work is heating up and I have to work weekends now, has put this whole relationship thing on the back burner ... sort of. I'm still keeping my eyes open but, I need to concentrate on my son for now. Man, when it rains it pours!

I still suspect something, as she has changed sexually at the same time as she has been away more often. By that I mean, less available, not in the mood, pushing me away, etc.

Hope to get back on my feet and report more. Sorry for being away so much.


----------



## the guy

If the VAR and GPS are coming up blank, then hire a PI. You sound really busy and it might be time to hire someone to help you.
Is the teenager your bio or your step son? He might know something that is making him act out?

Dude its been months and its getting worse around the house, maybe its time no matter what the reason....just time to let her go and move on.

I can tell you one thing, once I confront my fWW and we both made some srious lifstyle changes, it sure effected the household in a good way.

See this thing snow balling yet??????


----------



## husbandfool

It's my stepson. He actually butts heads more with his mom than me. Interesting!
Anyway, his dad committed suicide when he was a toddler so there is a lot of baggage going on. I'm trying to do the best for him.
In the meantime, I have videos of my wife and someone else going on in the back of my head all the time .... and they aren't rated PG.
I've asked her outright if she'd ever think of seeing another guy and she got very annoyed with me. I don't want to press without hard evidence.


----------



## happyman64

HF
Sounds like you both have to deal with enough crap in the house.

Keep an eye out and Try to help your stepson as best you can.

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Have you read Married Man Sex Life and No More Mister Nice Guy?

Are you spending anytime dating/romancing your wife?


----------



## husbandfool

I'm right in the middle of reading MMSL.
Dating? Hah! 
She has no time for that. That would interfere with her workout schedule and her job schedule, not to mention the kids.
Her workout schedule is paramount .... #1. 
Thou shalt not impact the WO schedule!!!


----------



## Machiavelli

Why no PI? Her ball of yarn will be unraveled in no time.


----------



## husbandfool

I have to find a PI. I have maybe 30minutes each day for my own stuff so hard to find the time.
Funny ... the more you work, the less you have (time, happiness, fulfillment,relationship, etc).


----------



## Machiavelli

Try the internet.


----------



## husbandfool

Hi folks,
It's been awhile so I figured I'd check in. Things have improved. I've spent the summer in observation ... VAR, GPS, email, etc ... and nothing that is suspicious has popped up. We have been going through ups and downs, and things have improved somewhat. It could have been my imagination playing with me. For now we seem good but, I'll be keeping my eyes wide open as we go forward. This forum has made me much more aware than I previously was and I have a better understanding of the "signs" of trouble. I hope to check in again soon. Thanks to all.


----------



## keko

Good to hear.

Is she still staying at her family's house during the week?


----------



## Chaparral

Did you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? Any help there?


----------



## husbandfool

I'm not finished but am getting through it. Hope to finish it this weekend. Been distracted by kid issues lately. It has been helpful for me, in the self esteem and behavior departments.
The W actually found the book and commented on it ("Looking for a how-to on sex??? ... har-har"). Dumb me, I left it out on my nighstand one day.

Hasn't been staying at family house as much lately. That has diminished for whatever reason.


----------



## Chaparral

If you follow the map plan you should see a big change in her...................one way or the other.


----------



## husbandfool

Update ....
Things had been going better so I hadn't posted lately.
However, the last few weeks it's been different. W runs hot and cold ... huggy one day, cool the next. No sex for the last 3 weeks now.
One change is she hired a new male trainer about a month ago and has been busy with that a lot. Several meetings a week. I haven't found any suspicious emails or anything but ... latest red flags are:

* no intimacy in the last 3 weeks (longer than usual)
* new male trainer
* running hot and cold (way more than usual)
* she just changed her Facebook password
* her cell phone is now password-locked

Time for the VAR again! Maybe this time I'll catch something.


----------



## TDSC60

husbandfool said:


> Update ....
> Things had been going better so I hadn't posted lately.
> However, the last few weeks it's been different. W runs hot and cold ... huggy one day, cool the next. No sex for the last 3 weeks now.
> One change is she hired a new male trainer about a month ago and has been busy with that a lot. Several meetings a week. I haven't found any suspicious emails or anything but ... latest red flags are:
> 
> * no intimacy in the last 3 weeks (longer than usual)
> * new male trainer
> * running hot and cold (way more than usual)
> * she just changed her Facebook password
> * her cell phone is now password-locked
> 
> Time for the VAR again! Maybe this time I'll catch something.


All of these are big time red flags.

She is definitely hiding something now. Put a keylogger on the computer so you can get the passwords and see what she is up to.

Try to find the phone password if you can or get it while it is not locked up (her in the shower of bath).

Also the time she spends with this trainer needs to be watched closely. Are you sure she is actually at the gym with him or could they hop in his car and take a little drive?

PI to follow her for a couple of weeks might be a great idea.


----------



## happyman64

husbandfool said:


> Hi folks,
> It's been awhile so I figured I'd check in. Things have improved. I've spent the summer in observation ... VAR, GPS, email, etc ... and nothing that is suspicious has popped up. We have been going through ups and downs, and things have improved somewhat. It could have been my imagination playing with me. For now we seem good but, I'll be keeping my eyes wide open as we go forward. This forum has made me much more aware than I previously was and I have a better understanding of the "signs" of trouble. I hope to check in again soon. Thanks to all.


HF
Either start training for a triathlon so you can do the training next to her or get the evidence.

This is no way for you to live man.....

HM64


----------



## Cubby

Bad idea to let your wife train with a male personal trainer. She's spending lots of time alone with him. It's a physical activity, he probably touches her a lot. It's a great recipe for bonding to occur.


----------



## Shaggy

Tell her outright that you want to use her phone. If she balks ask her why it's locked and to unlock it. If she says it's private, tell her that she's mistaken. It isn't private between husband and wife.


----------



## Chaparral

Go with her to a training session, without telling her before hand, and see how they react. Don't give her a chance to contact him before.

Why is she not being transparent. Sounds like you are being very weak and Nice.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

husbandfool said:


> Update ....
> Things had been going better so I hadn't posted lately.
> However, the last few weeks it's been different. W runs hot and cold ... huggy one day, cool the next. No sex for the last 3 weeks now.
> One change is she hired a new male trainer about a month ago and has been busy with that a lot. Several meetings a week. I haven't found any suspicious emails or anything but ... latest red flags are:
> 
> * no intimacy in the last 3 weeks (longer than usual)
> * new male trainer
> * running hot and cold (way more than usual)
> * she just changed her Facebook password
> * her cell phone is now password-locked
> 
> Time for the VAR again! Maybe this time I'll catch something.


She is relapsing, WS'es in an R don’t do this.

This is what happens when you don't hold their feet to the fire and reward them by being a better husband when they cheat. You are in a false R and you bet she is fantasizing about leaving.

You need to start working out the logistics for leaving the M yourself because that might be what it takes to either wake her up OR for you to find someone better.


----------



## husbandfool

I'm going to plant the VAR and also, next time I'll follow to the gym to check to see if she is really there. Also, am getting a key logger.

HM64 - wish I could train too but I have an artificial hip and my running days are over.


----------



## Shaggy

Can you get the phone records to see who and when she is contacting people?


----------



## TDSC60

Locking the phone seems to indicate a change in the method she is/was using to communicate with someone. A method she needs to keep hidden from you. If it was only voice communication, all that would show up on her phone would be the call log.

If she has switched to or started using texts, then the texts would stay on her phone until she deleted them thus she needs to keep you from accessing the phone.

If it is an iPhone it can be backed up on your computer and you can use iTunes to view the actually text messages.


----------



## husbandfool

it's not an iPhone. Yes, I'll be checking the call history as well.


----------



## Shaggy

Look for Skype on there.


----------



## happyman64

husbandfool said:


> I'm going to plant the VAR and also, next time I'll follow to the gym to check to see if she is really there. Also, am getting a key logger.
> 
> HM64 - wish I could train too but I have an artificial hip and my running days are over.


HF
Your hips , my knees. I know the feeling.

Thank God my wife only played softball. 

Most of the guys she played with were respectful. The ones that weren't got the hint real fast from me. My wife used to question me about my behavior with her "men" friends until a few of her other married women friends started screwing around with the single men. 

She then understood my behavior real well. 

Do not leave anything to chance, especially your marriage.

Good Luck and plant the VAR's.

HM64


----------



## Chaparral

happyman64 said:


> HF
> Your hips , my knees. I know the feeling.
> 
> Thank God my wife only played softball.
> 
> Most of the guys she played with were respectful. The ones that weren't got the hint real fast from me. My wife used to question me about my behavior with her "men" friends until a few of her other married women friends started screwing around with the single men.
> 
> She then understood my behavior real well.
> 
> Do not leave anything to chance, especially your marriage.
> 
> Good Luck and plant the VAR's.
> 
> HM64


From experience (bad) , I can't count the number of women I have heard of cheating with softball teammates and coaches. Must be the after game beer?


----------



## husbandfool

Update: I caught some VAR activity where she is talking with her "sweety". 

Apparently, she has been banging this guy on the side. It's taken me awhile to find this out but, glad I did. I am just disgusted!


----------



## husbandfool

Damn cheaters!


----------



## bandit.45

I'm sorry brother. What's your plan?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Exsquid

I was wondering if you ever found anything. Have you confronted her with this info yet? What is your current situation? It's been a while I need to skim through your post again.


----------



## aug

Immediately make copies of the audio recording. Email one copy to your email account (like gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc). Burn one copy onto CD. Secure your evidence. You dont want her to find it and destroy them.


Have you protected your finances and assets yet? Have you updated your will?


----------



## warlock07

F*ck!! This woman is an accomplished cheater. So keep you eveidence. safe.

We have a poster whose wife got access to his evidence and deleted them.


Try to find the identity of the OM too.


----------



## warlock07

husbandfool said:


> Oh, anothr tidbit I forgot to mention ... about a month ago we started seeing a financial advisor together, trying to clear up some debt and save for college for the kids. Anyway, at one of the meetings the W brought up the possibility of getting a divorce to help out with things. That way she could live separately, and I would take on most of the debt since my CC is loaded and some college loans are taken out in my name.
> 
> I told her that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and wasn't interested.
> 
> We both keep separate accounts and credi cards.
> 
> 
> The more I recount all these incidents, the more I see a pattern of red flags! I am very tempted to confront her and ask her outright about an A. However, I don't want to tip my hand and have her go underground.




This woman is scary!!! She married you out of convinience and she is planning to dump all the debt on you. You need to plan your confrontation, exposure and divorce every carefully.


----------



## Shaggy

Don't confront too soon. She's far too good at this game and will play you.

Keep hunting and find that OM and expose him wide and far. I'm betting he's married with kids etc - otherwise your wife would already be out the door.


----------



## Shaggy

husbandfool said:


> Interesting update ....
> Last night we were just talking and the subject came up of a couple we know who recently separated. Our guess is that the W was cheating and left. We had seen her in town with another guy recently.
> Anyway, my W commented that it was a silly reason to break up and that they should just "get over it" (the W cheating and having an affair). It wasn't a big deal .... small potatos, and nothing to break up over. (her words).
> 
> Wow! Now my antennas are really up.


You know when you confront - I wonder if you should start by telling her that you've been cheating and see what her reaction is. Then pull it back, and say "Sorry, sweetie got that backwards. It's you that been cheating with X, but thanks for the info on how you should be treated from now on."


----------



## TDSC60

I think most here saw this coming even though we were praying it would not turn out like this. Sorry man.

Stay calm and plan your exit for your benefit. Keep posting here for advice if you want. Be careful and do not let her find this site.

Talk to a good lawyer ASAP.


----------



## happyman64

HF

Do not confront yet. Note the time of the call and see if you can get his number.

Then find out who the OM is.

Once that happens all the pieces will start to fall into place.

Stay calm. Collect the information.

Then make your plans.

HM64


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## bandit.45

Buy her a nice new set of luggage. Tell her it is the last gift you'll ever be buying for her. Then tell her to pack her sh*t in it and get out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

bandit.45 said:


> Buy her a nice new set of luggage. Tell her it is the last gift you'll ever be buying for her. Then tell her to pack her sh*t in it and get out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But nothing too fancy. You're looking for cheap luggage.


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## Vanguard

Call a lawyer right now dude. Tell him everything, keep that evidence safe, and with him. 

What a malignant piece of filth. I hope you can bury her in a settlement that swings in your favor.


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## AngryandUsed

Sorry, HF.

What are your plans?
How did you know that she was banging OM?


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## husbandfool

Thanks all.
It's been busy as a hurricane lately!
No confrontation yet. So far it's comments I've caught on the VAR. I want to get some harder evidence before exposing. I don't want to tip my hand too early. Also, I don't yet know who the AP is. In the meantime I'll seek out some legal counsel. I'm already reviewing my financial situation.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

husbandfool said:


> Thanks all.
> It's been busy as a hurricane lately!
> No confrontation yet. So far it's comments I've caught on the VAR. I want to get some harder evidence before exposing. I don't want to tip my hand too early. Also, I don't yet know who the AP is. In the meantime I'll seek out some legal counsel. I'm already reviewing my financial situation.



How many hands must you play before realizing that you do not need to look at her cards to be able to play your hand. Realize that you do not need any evidence to show her, or to prove to her that you fully know. Your mind wants that doubt removed 100%, once you decide how much evidence you need now matter HOW small and you have it to "confront", TELL HER that you KNOW EVERYTHING so she better stop lying THAT INSTANT and start confessing her sins. 

These cheaters lie and some lie to the grave unless you leave and bid them good riddance then they get checked. Whatever she says, you respond with, "You're lying, thats not everything" every time. Trickle truth.


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## keko

Sorry to hear hf.

Take your time in finding out who this 'sweety' is and who else knows it behind your back.

...and if possible having a video proof is the ultimate proof in confronting her. She might even confess a few more tricks in a desperate attempt.


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## JCD

Are you ready to invest in a PI NOW? A couple hundred bucks and you can have all the information you need. without waiting for months to 'get the goods'.


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## [email protected]

I would agree with JCD - hire a PI. Let them do the work.


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## Chaparral

Actually, posters here have found out things PIs haven't been able to. However, if I had the money I would definitely recommend a PI.

GPS her car, that can tell you where she is going. If she is going out at night you can make the trip to where she is and do your own surveilance. You have to have a realtime GPS though and pay monthly for instant info. Gpsing her phone is a possiblity though you can't hide it on some phones I think.

Is VAR in your home also a poosibility while you are "out"? Can't remeber if the keylogger on her computer is a possiblity either.


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## husbandfool

Quick update ...I'm at work so it will be short for now. I'll add more later. We are in attempted R right now. The OM was exposed and has left the picture, as far as I know. R is iffy at best. D is still a possibility depending on how things go. I have not filed yet but have my ducks in a row and have let the WW know that D is still an option that I am considering.

I apologize for being gone so long. Life has kept me busy 24/7 the last few months ... family,WW, work,stress, WW, OM, work, stress, illness, kids, WW, stress ... and I've been negligent about posting.

Have to go for now. Hope to write more later.


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## tom67

husbandfool said:


> Quick update ...I'm at work so it will be short for now. I'll add more later. We are in attempted R right now. The OM was exposed and has left the picture, as far as I know. R is iffy at best. D is still a possibility depending on how things go. I have not filed yet but have my ducks in a row and have let the WW know that D is still an option that I am considering.
> 
> I apologize for being gone so long. Life has kept me busy 24/7 the last few months ... family,WW, work,stress, WW, OM, work, stress, illness, kids, WW, stress ... and I've been negligent about posting.
> 
> Have to go for now. Hope to write more later.


Hope for the best thanks for the update.


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## Acabado

What a turn of events! Glad things are going in the direction you chose.
Please come back to update.


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## jerry123

Was just thinking about your situation today, have not heard from you in a long time.

Please give more details when you get a chance....you have a lot of catching up to do for us.


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## Chaparral

jerry123 said:


> Was just thinking about your situation today, have not heard from you in a long time.
> 
> Please give more details when you get a chance....you have a lot of catching up to do for us.


And I think about your situation a lot, any noose..............er news? Appologies to Bullwinkle.


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## jerry123

chapparal said:


> And I think about your situation a lot, any noose..............er news? Appologies to Bullwinkle.


Thanks Chapparal, glad to hear people on here are thinking of me and my situation. 

I was thinking of updating my post but not much in the way of evidence has come up ...maybe I will update today. 

This thread posters wife reminds me of my wife in a way. From his last post seems like she was more upset to get caught more than anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

Hi again, 
Unfortunately I've had to be working overtime the last few months, and still am, so often I am wiped when I get home ... especially with what's been going on at home.
Anyway, a few months back, I had caught on the car VAR my WW talking with the OM. Didn't catch his name though. I really wanted to catch more so I didn't confront but played dumb and was in stealth mode. I reactivated the car GPS and waited. Not much on the cell records so I figured it was a burner phone. I wanted to catch the guy's name before confronting. The WW was very careful and it took me a few weeks before I caught a conversation on the VAR with one of her girl friends. She was talking about the OM with her friend and mentioned his name ... a breakthrough at last. It was a good catch , about 45minute conversation mostly about the affair. Apparently, she was breaking the news to her friend and her friend was giving her a hard time over it. WW mentioned that she was breaking off with the guy because she was just too guilty and didn't want to hurt our family. From the conversation I believed it. That was the good news I got. She also talked about how the OM was great in bed, was hot, and was a much better lover than me, and that had made it hard for her to break it off. That was the bad new.
Not fun to hear that. : ( 

The friend apparently wasn't amused by it and was chewing her out on the phone (Yay!).

I confronted the WW the next day about it and we had it all out on the table. She was upset about it .. her behavior and also how it leaked out and was affecting her family. The kids have been pretty quiet about it. They know something has been up but, are doing ok.

The OM was someone she had met at a sporting event, another athlete, and was hooking up with on the side. It turns out he would pick her up in his car and go to his place where they would bang each other silly. That's why I never caught them on the VAR or with the car GPS. He is single, divorced, no kids so noone to expose to.
For better or for worse I made her give me details. A lot of minimizing and rug sweeping. It took a few days and lots of tears on her part but, I gleaned that it was purely a PA. They both knew it wouldn't last but, WW was in the fog and she "went for it". Lots of "gory" details ... ugh.

The whole thing is still so fresh and raw for me that I feel like I am just numb all the time.

WW has been very apologetic and acting sorry. We are going to MC and she is acting like she wants to stay and work on the marriage. I believe the affair is over. She seems to have snapped out of it. I don't really know the OM but, had I had the WW send him a NC letter and turn in her burner phone. She has been open with her email and FB accounts and cell phone and I think she is out of the fog. However, I have my eyes wide open and am not as naive now.

The loss of trust is the hardest part. I don't want to live my life having to worry constantly that my W is banging someone else. That's where I am right now. I'll give it some time to see if that feeling goes away.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

husbandfool said:


> Hi again,
> Unfortunately I've had to be working overtime the last few months, and still am, so often I am wiped when I get home ... especially with what's been going on at home.
> Anyway, a few months back, I had caught on the car VAR my WW talking with the OM. Didn't catch his name though. I really wanted to catch more so I didn't confront but played dumb and was in stealth mode. I reactivated the car GPS and waited. Not much on the cell records so I figured it was a burner phone. I wanted to catch the guy's name before confronting. The WW was very careful and it took me a few weeks before I caught a conversation on the VAR with one of her girl friends. She was talking about the OM with her friend and mentioned his name ... a breakthrough at last. It was a good catch , about 45minute conversation mostly about the affair. Apparently, she was breaking the news to her friend and her friend was giving her a hard time over it. WW mentioned that she was breaking off with the guy because she was just too guilty and didn't want to hurt our family. From the conversation I believed it. That was the good news I got. She also talked about how the OM was great in bed, was hot, and was a much better lover than me, and that had made it hard for her to break it off. That was the bad new.
> Not fun to hear that. : (
> 
> The friend apparently wasn't amused by it and was chewing her out on the phone (Yay!).
> 
> I confronted the WW the next day about it and we had it all out on the table. She was upset about it .. her behavior and also how it leaked out and was affecting her family. The kids have been pretty quiet about it. They know something has been up but, are doing ok.
> 
> The OM was someone she had met at a sporting event, another athlete, and was hooking up with on the side. It turns out he would pick her up in his car and go to his place where they would bang each other silly. That's why I never caught them on the VAR or with the car GPS. He is single, divorced, no kids so noone to expose to.
> For better or for worse I made her give me details. A lot of minimizing and rug sweeping. It took a few days and lots of tears on her part but, I gleaned that it was purely a PA. They both knew it wouldn't last but, WW was in the fog and she "went for it". Lots of "gory" details ... ugh.
> 
> The whole thing is still so fresh and raw for me that I feel like I am just numb all the time.
> 
> WW has been very apologetic and acting sorry. We are going to MC and she is acting like she wants to stay and work on the marriage. I believe the affair is over. She seems to have snapped out of it. I don't really know the OM but, had I had the WW send him a NC letter and turn in her burner phone. She has been open with her email and FB accounts and cell phone and I think she is out of the fog. However, I have my eyes wide open and am not as naive now.
> 
> The loss of trust is the hardest part. I don't want to live my life having to worry constantly that my W is banging someone else. That's where I am right now. I'll give it some time to see if that feeling goes away.


If you told her how you obtained your information, you can forget about catching her the next time she does this.


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## jerry123

Oh man, glad you found out. 

So I'm not going to tell you what to do. Only you can answer that. But. I was re-reading your posts and in one you mentioned if there was an A then divorce would be the only way. 

And it seems after finding out the truth you are considering to R...she put your health at risk with out even batting an eye. Told her friend that sex was much better with him than you!! 

It was so easy to cheat and lie for her, she did say she felt guilty but kept on doing it. 

Again, I'm not saying to D her but you now will need to wonder every day of your life if she will cheat again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

NO one to expose him too? No one to expose him to? 

Thats exactly what cheaterville.com is for. I just wish you could locate a picture of him on facebook or somewhere. Let any future girlfriends, potential wives and anyone else that googles his name know who he really is. A homewrecker, a home with a loving husband and kids.

How is your wife going to get by without going to sporting events with out you?

She has disrespected you, put up with nothing.

BTW, the reason she tells herself he is a great lover is its affair sex. Hidden, wrong and dirty. It has to be "better" to justify her low life actions.

You need to read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER today, download it at amazon on your PC if you have to, you can also download a kindle ap.

DO NOT forgive her quickly, take your sweet time.


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## Chaparral

I neither recommend nor oppose reconcilliation but here is something that may help. Good luck

Print this off and go over it with her.

_Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always._


----------



## WyshIknew

chapparal said:


> NO one to expose him too? No one to expose him to?
> 
> Thats exactly what cheaterville.com is for. I just wish you could locate a picture of him on facebook or somewhere. Let any future girlfriends, potential wives and anyone else that googles his name know who he really is. A homewrecker, a home with a loving husband and kids.
> 
> How is your wife going to get by without going to sporting events with out you?
> 
> She has disrespected you, put up with nothing.
> 
> BTW, the reason she tells herself he is a great lover is its affair sex. Hidden, wrong and dirty. It has to be "better" to justify her low life actions.
> 
> You need to read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER today, download it at amazon on your PC if you have to, you can also download a kindle ap.
> 
> DO NOT forgive her quickly, take your sweet time.


Yep, and yet another snake gets away scot free with a smirk on his face after humping some other guys wife.


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## hookares

'fool, if you intend to stay with your cheater, you can forget all about that "trust" issue because it will NEVER happen.


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## workindad

I agree with above posters out him on cheaterville. Find out who his family is. Kids parents etc. you still have options. Get tested for stds wife too. Good luck you have a hard road in front of you Tam can help with the journey. Do you really think there were not other affairs that you didn't catch. Seems odd that she was willing to risk her family for guy she had no emotional connection to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

Hi,
I got tested for STDs - negative thank goodness. I am not saying I am outright forgiving her. D is not out of the question still. I just want to see where this can go before totally pulling the plug. I still love(d?) her, or at least think I do. I have to reconcile a lot of emotions.

I have read MMSL and have been upping my "rank" and working on myself. It has helped me detach myself somewhat and realize that "hey, this is not my fault!"


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## jerry123

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, sorry to see you go through this. I hope your bullsh!t detector went off. She may have given you the full scoop on this guy because you have the evidence. However, think about his for a minute: 1) she had a burner phone, 2) she parked her car in spots where you expected her to be at AND then went off with the OM in another vehicle, and 3) you sex life has been sh!t for years now - not just 3 weeks. Add it up and what do you see here? I see a serial cheater that is remorseful because she got caught. Even if I'm wrong, and this was her first time cheating on you in your marriage, she went to great lengths to research how to do it and not get caught. It was much more than just a purely physical fling with a guy she happened to meet. She made herself as untraceable as possible with experienced tricks. She evidently assumed that you had GPS on the car already. She may have assumed a VAR too - but may have forgot where she was and got careless.
> 
> So...did she use protection? Doubt it. You will probably never get the full truth out of her because I think she has done this before. She comes across as too experienced at this. I bet she had an account on Dok Kewl (the forums were shut down btw due to scruples of the owner finally kicking in).



Was thinking the same thing, from all I've read first time cheaters don't have this much knowledge of how to not get caught. I know you said your wife is a smart woman but to know enough to get a burner phone is a huge red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ironman

husbandfool said:


> Hi,
> I got tested for STDs - negative thank goodness. I am not saying I am outright forgiving her. D is not out of the question still. I just want to see where this can go before totally pulling the plug. I still love(d?) her, or at least think I do. I have to reconcile a lot of emotions.
> 
> I have read MMSL and have been upping my "rank" and working on myself. It has helped me detach myself somewhat and realize that "hey, this is not my fault!"


It's your life .. but it sounds like you're letting her off too easy. And also that YOU are too eager to reconcile. Maybe you are in that hysterical bonding stage, I don't know. But I do know if you let her get away with no consequences ... she'll lose even more respect for you. Personally, I don't know how you could possibly stomach her actions.


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## Kallan Pavithran

She is still protecting her OM, expose him to his friends and family.Then on Cheaterville.

Why your so remorseful wife relactant to give d


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## Kallan Pavithran

She is still protecting her OM, expose him to his friends and family.Then on Cheaterville.

Why your so remorseful wife relactant to give d


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## Dad&Hubby

Tell her you are going to post him on Cheaterville. Tell her you want a picture of him from her (without her contacting him) I'm sure she can come up with one with how conniving she is/was without contacting him (sports websites, facebook pages etc.).

Watch her reaction. If she protects him in ANY WAY. You have an answer.


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## husbandfool

She swears it is the first time and I have had no evidence or inkling of trouble in the past. Meh ... I'm too pissed that it even happened once.

I'm pursuing exposing the OM ... am looking into finding out his contacts. He doesn't use a FB account.


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## bryanp

Something about your post makes me believe that you are such a nice guy that your wife believed that she could go and screw this guy multiple times because down deep she felt if she did get caught you would forgive her anyway and therefore had nothing to lose. Am I wrong? She was willing to destroy her marriage and humiliate and disrespect her husband in the worst possible way.

She swears it is her first time cheating on you? Why would you believe anything she says. I do not know how you could get over her comment that her lover was so much hotter and better in bed than you? How can this not constantly play on your mind?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would have been so accepting and forgiving as you if you were screwing another woman multiple times and she overheard how you thought your lover was so much better in bed than her? She has no respect for you or your family. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## warlock07

husbandfool said:


> Hi again,
> Unfortunately I've had to be working overtime the last few months, and still am, so often I am wiped when I get home ... especially with what's been going on at home.
> Anyway, a few months back, I had caught on the car VAR my WW talking with the OM. Didn't catch his name though. I really wanted to catch more so I didn't confront but played dumb and was in stealth mode. I reactivated the car GPS and waited. Not much on the cell records so I figured it was a burner phone. I wanted to catch the guy's name before confronting. The WW was very careful and it took me a few weeks before I caught a conversation on the VAR with one of her girl friends. She was talking about the OM with her friend and mentioned his name ... a breakthrough at last. It was a good catch , about 45minute conversation mostly about the affair. Apparently, she was breaking the news to her friend and her friend was giving her a hard time over it. WW mentioned that she was breaking off with the guy because she was just too guilty and didn't want to hurt our family. From the conversation I believed it. That was the good news I got. She also talked about how the OM was great in bed, was hot, and was a much better lover than me, and that had made it hard for her to break it off. That was the bad new.
> Not fun to hear that. : (
> 
> The friend apparently wasn't amused by it and was chewing her out on the phone (Yay!).
> 
> I confronted the WW the next day about it and we had it all out on the table. She was upset about it .. her behavior and also how it leaked out and was affecting her family. The kids have been pretty quiet about it. They know something has been up but, are doing ok.
> 
> The OM was someone she had met at a sporting event, another athlete, and was hooking up with on the side. It turns out he would pick her up in his car and go to his place where they would bang each other silly. That's why I never caught them on the VAR or with the car GPS. He is single, divorced, no kids so noone to expose to.
> For better or for worse I made her give me details. A lot of minimizing and rug sweeping. It took a few days and lots of tears on her part but, I gleaned that it was purely a PA. They both knew it wouldn't last but, WW was in the fog and she "went for it". Lots of "gory" details ... ugh.
> 
> The whole thing is still so fresh and raw for me that I feel like I am just numb all the time.
> 
> WW has been very apologetic and acting sorry. We are going to MC and she is acting like she wants to stay and work on the marriage. I believe the affair is over. She seems to have snapped out of it. I don't really know the OM but, had I had the WW send him a NC letter and turn in her burner phone. She has been open with her email and FB accounts and cell phone and I think she is out of the fog. However, I have my eyes wide open and am not as naive now.
> 
> The loss of trust is the hardest part. I don't want to live my life having to worry constantly that my W is banging someone else. That's where I am right now. I'll give it some time to see if that feeling goes away.


ask her for a semi open marriage


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## SadSamIAm

I understand wanting to expose the OM, but I really don't see him as the OPs problem. 

The guys was single (divorced). She was probably telling him how terrible her marriage is. 

If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. The problem is the wife, not the guy (or guys) she sleeps with. 

I am hoping the wife was exposed thoroughly. I didn't read the entire thread, but I sure hope the wife was exposed to her parents and siblings and anyone else close to her. I think exposure goes a long ways in minimizing the chances of her cheating again. 

Sounds to me like she got off too easy. Next time she has the opportunity to sleep with someone else, she really has no reason not to. I hope that she was fully exposed and that the OP made her understand that if this ever happens again, the marriage will be over.


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## Acabado

SadSamIAm said:


> I understand wanting to expose the OM, but I really don't see him as the OPs problem.
> 
> The guys was single (divorced). She was probably telling him how terrible her marriage is.
> 
> If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. The problem is the wife, not the guy (or guys) she sleeps with.


Nothing of it is relevant. Personal responsability is universal. He's a man, he knows better. He, this particular OM intruded in someone else marriage and family, he's acountable even he had an "inside man". Period. He's an apropiate target.
If he can makes him sweat a little I'd say go for it. I never did anything beyond exposing him to BW becasue all I could do would have an immediate effect on BW and her children's future. 
Being single leaves you the oportunity to mess with AP with no collateral victims.


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## jerry123

Have a talk with your wife's friend. Seems she has been sharing the whiple affair with her. 

You will probably get more truth and info from her...like has this happen with any other guys. 


I am so sorry this has happened, keep the VAR going. I think you will discover more than you were told.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

husbandfool said:


> She swears it is the first time and I have had no evidence or inkling of trouble in the past. Meh ... I'm too pissed that it even happened once.
> 
> I'm pursuing exposing the OM ... am looking into finding out his contacts. He doesn't use a FB account.


HF

I think you should pursue him to the point of making his lie uncomfortable and making him look like the [email protected] that he is.

But remember your wife is the one that went off with him multiple times.

SHe is the one with issues.

ANd only she can fix them.

Glad you posted an update and that your eyes are open.

And sorry the truth sucks so bad for you.

HM64


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## TDSC60

I hope the male trainer and her going to athletic events alone are a thing of the past since that is where she hooked up with this great lover.


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## sandc

Tell your wife you'll be starting your own affair because you want someone hot and frankly she just isn't that good in bed.

Don't actually do it. Just let her taste her own medicine.


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## LostViking

I would divorce her. You will never be able to get over the humiliation of hearing her say that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123

sandc said:


> Tell your wife you'll be starting your own affair because you want someone hot and frankly she just isn't that good in bed.
> 
> Don't actually do it. Just let her taste her own medicine.


Something tells me she won't care...

From this point on, those horrible words she spoke will stay with you forever. Especially during sex with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

jerry123 said:


> Something tells me she won't care...
> 
> From this point on, those horrible words she spoke will stay with you forever. Especially during sex with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand where people see it this way. However, she had a lot of reasons to say and convince herself it was great sex. It helped her rationalize the affair to herself and to the friend. It was illicit, that meakes it more excithing, like someone that gets off on having sex where they might get caught. There is also the newness effect. also, the fact that it wasn't that often. She doesn't really know him that well as in eeryday life and see his faults. Its just part of the fantasy. I am sure there are more.

If you are confident in yourself and you should be, don't let this aspect bother you. And always look for ways to improve yourself in bed and keep things fresh. LOL, you can now play on her guilt to try things you would like to do that used to be off limits. There is a lot of info out there to do just that.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

No more sporting events, no more iron mans, marathons, triathlons, whatever.

Those situations only posed opportunities for her to cheat and she has proven she cannot be trusted in those situations and lost all privileges. 


Don't feel bad about the OM being hotter and better in bed. I'd bet my money on that the fact that he was worse. A cheaters mind works like anyone's mind. Dopamine LOVES novelty. New things are always HOT, new things are always amazing and attractive, new things are always exciting and give a good rush. New things are as such that is why marketing always has "NEW DESIGN, NEW COLOR, NEW TASTE, NEW, NEW, NEW" so it doesn't take much.

Listen not to words but to ACTIONS.

She did not CONFESS from the guilt and shame she had, she only confessed because you FOUND out. She is probably more sorry about the fact that you found out than for what she did to hurt you.

Her actions need consequences. Her privileges are lost, broken trust must now be put back together and earned and, the marriage she has changed forever. You must now carry the cross on your own back and rebuild your marriage and do not expect much of her talk about remorse, repentance and reparation.

If you want to walk the path of reconciliation she needs to be FULLY TRANSPARENT. No more cell passwords, no more facebook, she can use yours, change her email and pw and close the facebook down. She may need a new job. She needs to go absolutely NO CONTACT with the OM and any of the OM from all those events and gym trainers etc.

Cheaters are addicts, they have once tasted the forbidden fruit of infidelity and can do so again. You are now going to experience her go through withdrawal. When she gets urges to go wayward and fulfill her passions/fleshly desires you need to shut it down.

Stay strong, stay healthy, eat healthy and expose to her family AND friends, so that nothing will be MINIMIZED, JUSTIFIED, SUGAR COATED. You have NO BLAME for her cheating. Cheating is an intrinsic evil.


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## Chaparral

BTW, never stop dating and romancing your wife. And always remember, if you become the maid, you won't get laid.


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## Chaparral

Google his name, you might find more info and pictures. He may have friends on facebook. If he has a girlfriend on facebook she may have pictures. Spokeo.com may have info on family and they may have pictures on facebook.There may be pictures of sporting events.

I would not be ok with her PT now either.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

chapparal said:


> BTW, never stop dating and romancing your wife. And always remember, if you become the maid, you won't get laid.


I think this affects a lot of SAHD. Who would want to be one?


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## WyshIknew

chapparal said:


> BTW, never stop dating and romancing your wife. And always remember, if you become the maid, you won't get laid.


Chap, can you elaborate on this statement of the maid don't get laid?

Don't want to jack this thread but as it has been given as advice here I'll ask here for clarification.

What exactly is meant by the maid don't get laid?

I do probably 95% of the cooking in our home, I do help with laundry and housework.

Is it more about getting the correct balance for your own household?

I can see where a man that runs around like a servant looking after his entitled princess is making himself unattractive but surely a lazy arse slob is eventually gonna suffer the same fate as the servant.

At a guess I would say our division is on my side 95% cooking, 15-30 % housework, 10-15% laundry.
I most definitely get laid on a regular basis. For example 3 nights running, then missed last night but have been told in no uncertain terms I'm getting 'milked' tonight.

Is this just a lucky exception or is my understanding of the maid don't get laid rule faulty and it is more about achieving the correct balance?

Edit to add; BTW I'm 56 if that makes a difference.


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## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> She swears it is the first time and I have had no evidence or inkling of trouble in the past. Meh ... I'm too pissed that it even happened once.
> 
> I'm pursuing exposing the OM ... am looking into finding out his contacts. He doesn't use a FB account.



Hope you are ok, give us update if you have time. 

She should be giving you everything you need to know about him and his marital status. I have a bad feeling she is more sorry she got caught than anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew

HF, yes expose him if you can. As Chapparal says he may not be married but does he have a girlfriend?

He almost certainly has family who would be dismayed to find out he is a home wrecker. (If they have any character)

Friends who may not be so happy to have him around their wives/girlfriends now.

Business contacts who would like to know the character of the person they are dealing with.

And more importantly exposure will help to keep this predator away from your wife the next time he fancies a bit of extra.

Have you and your WW informed your families?

Have you informed your WW that she is not trusted at the moment to go on her own to events?
If not, I suspect that if her attitude is as you describe that you may have a shock when she is told that she is no longer trusted to go to events on her own.

Have you told her that you know she thought the OM was a better lover? Any reaction if so?


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## jim123

I agree more sorry to be caught
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husbandfool

The OM is an athlete she met at one of her races. Outside of that there is no connection with our town, her work, the gym, our social groups, etc. From now on she doesn't go to such events alone but, with me. She has agreed to that.

So far I've told my WW's sister and BIL so they now know. They are upset with her and very concerned for our marriage. Our youngest is turning 16 soon. I had been looking forward to us becoming "empty nesters" but, now I can't even go there.

WW and I had another talk last night about "us" and the affair.
She could give no other reason other than she got caught up in the physical attraction and just lost her common sense and moral compass. 

I haven't told her yet that I know of her comments about the OM being a better lover. I don't want to give up my sources yet. I don't think she knows about the VAR. I did dig for more details and got way more than I needed I think. I'll be having mind movies for awhile now .. Ugh. I guess this had been going on for several months and there was unprotected sex. Also, she did things with him that she never did with me in bed. I think there's still more so I'm not done digging yet.

We are in MC and we both started IC as well. At least she has seemed very remorseful and has acknowledged the pain she caused.


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## jerry123

Ask her---if you never got caught would you have kept screwing him. She will answer no, but I would bet my house she would have. 


The physical attraction was supposed be with you, not a star athlete. Sure she could have found him attractive and let it stay there but she crossed the line by choice. 

Have you used the VAR since Dday? That VAR may very well be you ultimate answer to stay or go. If she contacts him please so yourself a favor and not waste money on MC. Just let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike

I am sorry you have joined this ugly club. Your wife was willing to do more and say more in bed with him because she was unhibited with him as she is with you. 

I know that sounds dumb but I have picked this up in our MC sessions. My wife was worried what I would think of her if she said this or did that with me. It did not not matter with that POS what he thought.

Strange our MC in our one on one session says this is common. She has no history with him, no ties with being a proper Mom with him. So she let go with him.

All husbands want their wives to let go with us and many hold back.

There is still more your wife will not be completly truthful unless she thinks she will lose you if she is not.


----------



## bryanp

Your wife is a piece of work:

1. She has unprotected sex with her lover for months putting your health at risk for STD's. Did not even have the decency to use protection for her husband 
2. She says her lover is much better at sex than you are.
3. She engaged in various sex acts with her lover that she has never done with you.
4. Her only excuse was that she got so hot for the physical attraction of her lover that she did not give a care for her husband and marriage. What does that say about her and what does that say how she perceives you. Unbelievable. 
5. Again it seems to me that she knows you so well that she knew that she could engage in a sexual affair and if caught you would forgive her and go to counseling. Really she has humiliated and disrespect you in the worst possible way. She sounds like she was very remorseful that she got caught. You need to step back and look at the totality of all this. You deserve better and you do not have to settle for such humiliation from a spouse. I wish you luck.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

WyshIknew said:


> Chap, can you elaborate on this statement of the maid don't get laid?
> 
> Don't want to jack this thread but as it has been given as advice here I'll ask here for clarification.
> 
> What exactly is meant by the maid don't get laid?
> 
> I do probably 95% of the cooking in our home, I do help with laundry and housework.
> 
> Is it more about getting the correct balance for your own household?
> 
> I can see where a man that runs around like a servant looking after his entitled princess is making himself unattractive but surely a lazy arse slob is eventually gonna suffer the same fate as the servant.
> 
> At a guess I would say our division is on my side 95% cooking, 15-30 % housework, 10-15% laundry.
> I most definitely get laid on a regular basis. For example 3 nights running, then missed last night but have been told in no uncertain terms I'm getting 'milked' tonight.
> 
> Is this just a lucky exception or is my understanding of the maid don't get laid rule faulty and it is more about achieving the correct balance?
> 
> Edit to add; BTW I'm 56 if that makes a difference.



Some insight to your question could be found if you google "IKEA Effect". It can't be proven scientifically in relationships but it can be said that we see it all the time on TAM, especially if you read the thread 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/71299-give-woman-everything.html
Obviously it can work both ways with men and women.


Basically, they give them everything they can and invest everything, so they are the ones that care the most over the other person. Then again, is there really another way to love? Luke warm love, here and there love, maybe later love? 

You don't get laid being the maid. I think this fairs more towards men than women.

"Compliance is a powerful seduction technique, for two reasons: One, it is grounded in an accurate appraisal of human, and particularly female, psychology and, two, it is so rarely used by men (and so frequently deployed by women) that the man who co-opts it for himself is immediately more alluring to women."

Biomechanics is God | Chateau Heartiste


----------



## stevehowefan

Bro, the fact that she told her friend that the OM was a better lover than you... I just cannot comprehend. You're a better man than I am because I'd raise 40 kinds of hell, and may catch a charge. Or, I may just take it. 


In my mind, she's saying "it" is larger than yours. You really are a strong dude.


----------



## Chaparral

WyshIknew said:


> Chap, can you elaborate on this statement of the maid don't get laid?
> 
> Don't want to jack this thread but as it has been given as advice here I'll ask here for clarification.
> 
> What exactly is meant by the maid don't get laid?
> 
> I do probably 95% of the cooking in our home, I do help with laundry and housework.
> 
> Is it more about getting the correct balance for your own household?
> 
> I can see where a man that runs around like a servant looking after his entitled princess is making himself unattractive but surely a lazy arse slob is eventually gonna suffer the same fate as the servant.
> 
> At a guess I would say our division is on my side 95% cooking, 15-30 % housework, 10-15% laundry.
> I most definitely get laid on a regular basis. For example 3 nights running, then missed last night but have been told in no uncertain terms I'm getting 'milked' tonight.
> 
> Is this just a lucky exception or is my understanding of the maid don't get laid rule faulty and it is more about achieving the correct balance?
> 
> Edit to add; BTW I'm 56 if that makes a difference.


It is all about balance. There have been many men here howerver, that according to them for example, did more housework than their wives. Some with wives even that did not work. This loses the respect of the wife and they end up with a man that is a player, a "bad boy" etc. Obviously, there are other factors too.

This is all explained in MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. It is not a thought out bit of reasoning, but a biological, chemical fact of human life. Unconciously, women, as with other species, subconciously are looking for better mating partners. Of course usually, morals keep this from happening. But morals have been under assault by "progressives" for a long time now and infidelity has skyrocketed in a relatively short time.

The owner of AM, a cheaters hook up website for people who want to cheat but stay married, said in an interview last summer that women now out number men on their website, in Australia. Thats the only country that is true...............so far.

As a side note, more women sign up for that service the days after Valentines Day and Mothers Day, tens of thousands more than a any other days.


----------



## HappyHubby

I couldn't do it. Divorce all the way.

Spit on her and find a new woman.


----------



## husbandfool

I think D is in the works. I just don't think I can get over it all.
The details she gave me are too much.
I'm starting the 180, to help myself, and will see my lawyer tomorrow about proceeding.


----------



## keko

Good choice on deciding to D.

What you heard on the VAR's will never leave your ears, and every time you look at her you would see how her lover was better then you, etc.

It'll be a long road to D but after that you'll at least have a chance to find a new wife that will truly love you.

Good luck.


----------



## bryanp

I do not think you had much of a choice after what you heard on the VAR. I am sure if the roles were reversed your wife would have felt the same way. The humiliation and disrespect was simply too much to endure and overcome. You deserve better and you will be better in the future. Good luck.


----------



## Chaparral

When you are sure you are going to dfivorce her, make her listen to the var. But you have to be sure or you will lose a source to check up on her.


----------



## Chaparral

I would tell her that you heard she was telling someone else that the om was better in bed and watch her reaction.

The fact is, affair sex seems better but as a rule its not, just new and different.

She also needed a reason to justify her actions to her friend.


----------



## warlock07

the dreaded.



> Also, she did things with him that she never did with me in bed.


Considering the lengths she went to hide it and make it happen, she seems to be an experienced cheater. Have you also confronted the OM?(by that I don't mean a chest thumping confrontation). Imagine how harder it would be if you have to catch her again after this.


----------



## happyman64

> Also, she did things with him that she never did with me in bed. I think there's still more so I'm not done digging yet.


And do you desire these things from her? DId you both never discuss these things?

ANd does your wife feel used yet?

Do you think it was just physical or do you feel there was an emotional connection?

I understand you are considering Divorce. Have you mentioned this to your wife yet?


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Don't let it affect your ego. Dopamine, adrenaline, seratonin, oxytocin and a bzillion more hormones have a great affect on the perception of intimacy. This man was more than likely UGLIER than you and a worse LOVER than you.

Keep your head high, you deserve better, have known better, can find better.


----------



## BobSimmons

No coming back from that..ughh Not only kicked in the b*lls but the heart too. The wickedness people do then expect forgiveness


----------



## jerry123

Any updates??

VAR catch anything since you confronted?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PreRaphaelite

husbandfool said:


> The OM is an athlete she met at one of her races. Outside of that there is no connection with our town, her work, the gym, our social groups, etc. From now on she doesn't go to such events alone but, with me. She has agreed to that.
> 
> So far I've told my WW's sister and BIL so they now know. They are upset with her and very concerned for our marriage. Our youngest is turning 16 soon. I had been looking forward to us becoming "empty nesters" but, now I can't even go there.
> 
> WW and I had another talk last night about "us" and the affair.
> She could give no other reason other than she got caught up in the physical attraction and just lost her common sense and moral compass.
> 
> I haven't told her yet that I know of her comments about the OM being a better lover. I don't want to give up my sources yet. I don't think she knows about the VAR. I did dig for more details and got way more than I needed I think. I'll be having mind movies for awhile now .. Ugh. I guess this had been going on for several months and there was unprotected sex. Also, she did things with him that she never did with me in bed. I think there's still more so I'm not done digging yet.
> 
> We are in MC and we both started IC as well. At least she has seemed very remorseful and has acknowledged the pain she caused.


Her explanations are not even worth being called excuses. She knows very well what she was doing. She didn't lose her common sense or her moral compass. She was apparently very attracted to this OM and she had no desire to stop herself. Quite the contrary.


I would question her remorse as well. Sorry to say, I think you're doing the right thing by filing. Some things cannot be repaired.


----------



## Shaggy

Before you D, or even warn her, try demanding the various things she did for him, but denied you. Why should you get to try that stuff out too, better to practice on her that way you'll know what you are doing when you are with the hotter and faithful replacement you'll upgrade to after you D her.

But get out of her everything you can sexually, after all you've invested a lot of your life in her, why shouldn't you get it too?


----------



## BobSimmons

Shaggy said:


> Before you D, or even warn her, try demanding the various things she did for him, but denied you. Why should you get to try that stuff out too, better to practice on her that way you'll know what you are doing when you are with the hotter and faithful replacement you'll upgrade to after you D her.
> 
> But get out of her everything you can sexually, after all you've invested a lot of your life in her, why shouldn't you get it too?


Why? It would just be competing with someone whom he knew was better. If he doesn't get the reaction from her he seeks it could be even more devastating.


----------



## JCD

If you are intent on D, just stop going to sporting events with her. Allow her to go, but don't tell her why you are allowing it. It will drive her crazy.


----------



## warlock07

Shaggy said:


> Before you D, or even warn her, try demanding the various things she did for him, but denied you. Why should you get to try that stuff out too, better to practice on her that way you'll know what you are doing when you are with the hotter and faithful replacement you'll upgrade to after you D her.
> 
> But get out of her everything you can sexually, after all you've invested a lot of your life in her, why shouldn't you get it too?


I think that would be disrespecting himself.


----------



## JCD

Shaggy said:


> Before you D, or even warn her, try demanding the various things she did for him, but denied you. Why should you get to try that stuff out too, better to practice on her that way you'll know what you are doing when you are with the hotter and faithful replacement you'll upgrade to after you D her.
> 
> But get out of her everything you can sexually, after all you've invested a lot of your life in her, why shouldn't you get it too?


I disagree. She didn't want me? She no longer gets to have me.

I'd find someone else who is less about herself and more about 'us'.

Tossing good sperm after bad.

After what she said, I'd have stopped having sex with her period...R or D until I felt like it. Jerking off would be more emotionally satisfying.


----------



## carmen ohio

husbandfool said:


> *She swears it is the first time and I have had no evidence or inkling of trouble in the past. *Meh ... I'm too pissed that it even happened once.
> 
> I'm pursuing exposing the OM ... am looking into finding out his contacts. He doesn't use a FB account.


hf,

Given all that you've said about your WW's past, her likely reasons for marrying you, her opportunities to cheat and her behavior and the state of your marriage the last few years (e.g., her dwindling sexual interest in you), it seems unlikely that this is her first adulterous relationship. More likely, she"s been cuckolding you for a long time and has only stayed in the marriage for the financial benefits and to secure your cooperation in raising her children (not to mention that you made very few demands on her).

Frankly, if this is the case, the prospects of the two of you successfully reconciling would seem quite poor. Her best strategy would seem to be to placate you for now (feign remorse, clean up her act, show more affection) to keep you around until she no longer needs you, and then to jettison you.

In light of this, I suggest you think really hard about staying in this marriage. If you decide to reconcile, you need to protect yourself against the scenario above, perhaps by getting an enforceable post-nuptial agreement that limits your financial losses if she ultimately wants a divorce.

Please think hard about this.


----------



## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> I think D is in the works. I just don't think I can get over it all.
> The details she gave me are too much.
> I'm starting the 180, to help myself, and will see my lawyer tomorrow about proceeding.



Hoping you are doing ok...this was your last post 10 days ago. 

Update whenever you are up to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## husbandfool

Sorry to take so long. Back again. D is in the works. I found a good lawyer and had her served at home. She took it hard and there was a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth. We went back and forth for over a week with arguments, long talks, airing of grievances, etc. It's pretty much done. It's D all the way. I decided I don't need this anymore and I don't want her back anyway. She has become almost matter-of-fact about our breakup. Still lots of holes in her stories which she just won't fill in.

She has moved out and is staying with a friend (female). I have been fried the last month or so but, now I am in a much better space. Having a plan resolved, even if it's D, seems to have lifted a weight from me. It is tough but, I can handle it. Some days are really bad still. The kids are taking it hard but are doing as well as they can be expected to. They are staying with me in the house. We've worked out an arrangement wherethe WW comes over and spends time every day with the kids. I don't hang around.

She still has a thing going on with the OM I am sure. At this point I don't check on her anymore and don't care (or want to care). It hurts still. I have been doing the 180 and this has helped me tremendously. I appreciate all the help from TAM .. thank you. Even though I've been posting sporadically, I have read a lot and learned a lot.


----------



## Shaggy

Is OM up on cheaterville yet? Fix it if he isn't.

Have you exposed to everyone both the reason for the D as well as the name of the OM?


----------



## happyman64

husbandfool said:


> Sorry to take so long. Back again. D is in the works. I found a good lawyer and had her served at home. She took it hard and there was a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth. We went back and forth for over a week with arguments, long talks, airing of grievances, etc. It's pretty much done. It's D all the way. I decided I don't need this anymore and I don't want her back anyway. She has become almost matter-of-fact about our breakup. Still lots of holes in her stories which she just won't fill in.
> 
> She has moved out and is staying with a friend (female). I have been fried the last month or so but, now I am in a much better space. Having a plan resolved, even if it's D, seems to have lifted a weight from me. It is tough but, I can handle it. Some days are really bad still. The kids are taking it hard but are doing as well as they can be expected to. They are staying with me in the house. We've worked out an arrangement wherethe WW comes over and spends time every day with the kids. I don't hang around.
> 
> She still has a thing going on with the OM I am sure. At this point I don't check on her anymore and don't care (or want to care). It hurts still. I have been doing the 180 and this has helped me tremendously. I appreciate all the help from TAM .. thank you. Even though I've been posting sporadically, I have read a lot and learned a lot.


HF

Did you ever discuss the hurtful things she said to her GF about you, the marriage and your sex life?

Just curious if you went there with your WW?

I always feel in life that a person should be called out for their horrible actions/decisions they make in life.

I would play that recording of her conversation so that she knows you heard all of it.

I would also send it to the OM so he knows just what type of woman he has.

You might ask why I would do this? So they understand just how hurtful their actions have been to cause the breakup of not only your marriage but your family......

Just a thought and I am sorry things turned out this way for you.

Your wife is an @ss and she left with little choice in this matter.

HM64


----------



## husbandfool

We stopped going to MC. I didn't see the point anymore. 
I go to IC myself and that helps keep me grounded.
I did confront the OM, both on the phone and via email. I congratulated him on being a home-wrecker and an inspiration to males everywhere (sarcasm). He was apologetic, sheepish, and has been lying low ever since. From everything I know, I truly believe it was my wife who was the pursuer and who pushed herself on this on this guy. That doesn't make him blameless but, I think my focus is on my WW and what she did to me. I can't spend much energy on the OM. 

I believe my WW also had a previous PA (maybe a year before this). This is what I believe, after mentally reviewing her change over of behavior over the past. 

Needless to say we haven't had any sex in a while. She is a knockout, physically fit, and personable (when she wants to be).
To me, I don't care anymore.

Gotta run right now, att work. I want to write more. It will be therapeutic (sp?) for me.


----------



## Chaparral

husbandfool said:


> We stopped going to MC. I didn't see the point anymore.
> I go to IC myself and that helps keep me grounded.
> I did confront the OM, both on the phone and via email. I congratulated him on being a home-wrecker and an inspiration to males everywhere (sarcasm). He was apologetic, sheepish, and has been lying low ever since. From everything I know, I truly believe it was my wife who was the pursuer and who pushed herself on this on this guy. That doesn't make him blameless but, I think my focus is on my WW and what she did to me. I can't spend much energy on the OM.
> 
> I believe my WW also had a previous PA (maybe a year before this). This is what I believe, after mentally reviewing her change over of behavior over the past.
> 
> Needless to say we haven't had any sex in a while. She is a knockout, physically fit, and personable (when she wants to be).
> To me, I don't care anymore.
> 
> Gotta run right now, att work. I want to write more. It will be therapeutic (sp?) for me.


One thing thats really theraputic is putting the OM on chaterville and watching the hit count grow. Talk about wailing and nashing of teeth. It gives them something to carry besides a smile. You know he got over your call within a day or two..............especially if he is already back in the saddle.

The guys that posted on cheaterville have all loved it.


----------



## happyman64

> I believe my WW also had a previous PA (maybe a year before this). This is what I believe, after mentally reviewing her change over of behavior over the past.


I bet you are right and cheaterville is a great idea. For both of them....


----------



## LongWalk

Must be horrible to see your children go through this. Has your wife given them some explanation?


----------



## keko

I would suggest the WW be on cheaterville before the OM.


----------



## workindad

OP, good for you. You have set a course of action and have a plan to move forward with your life. Take advantage of the opportunity to rebuild a new life for yourself and draw comfort from knowing that you will find happiness again and won't have to make a life with your wayward and unremorseful spouse.

WD


----------



## warlock07

> She has become almost matter-of-fact about our breakup


Not surprising. She was already detaching when she started the affairs.

What about exposure ? Was she exposed to family and close mutual friends ?


----------



## husbandfool

I plan to post on Cheaterville, just haven't gotten to it yet.

I did play that VAR conversation to her and she was horrified and apologetic. I think she was more horrified that I heard the converstaion and she was caught, than anything else. We've talked with the kids and they know that we are breaking up because mom wants to spend more time with the OM and wants to be happy (blech!). I'm taking the high road with the kids and not taking to bashing her. They're old enough and know what's going already.

It's amazing how disconnected she now is and how easily she is taking the D. I expect the karma bus will make an appearance sooner than she thinks, once the D becomes final.


----------



## warlock07

Good thing you saw through her false remorse. It was more of the guilt of getting caught than what she actually did to you.


----------



## happyman64

I am glad you are moving HF. I feel bad for you and the kids.

And yes. Your wife will not even feel consequences until you are divorced.

I know you will find someone who comes home to you!


----------



## Shaggy

Get the OM up there now, the longer you wait the more desperate it will seem later. Right now it's part of the exposure.

She's acting the way she is because she's likely thrown herself more into the affair, she's decided that since you know now that she can go for it. 

That's why I recommend both posting him but also exposing him to people in the community they share and to his family. Let his mom know his new gf is a married mom who's cheating on her family.


----------



## husbandfool

I am focussed on the kids and the D details. Since the youngest is almost 16, child support will not be an issue for very long. WW makes almost as much as me so she shouldn't need much support.
WW is not planning on playing hardball financially or regarding the kids. She seems so smitten with the OM and also I think her new-found sense of freedom. The OM is not from this area so it will take me awhile to find his family, etc. I'm working on that though.


----------



## warlock07

She will be pursuing the OM after this ?


----------



## WyshIknew

warlock07 said:


> She will be pursuing the OM after this ?


She may find the OM isn't interested now.


----------



## Acabado

OM might find WW is not that interesting now. Half of the trill vasnished as they got caught. Every time she mentions the kids he will feel ...


----------



## WyshIknew

Acabado said:


> OM might find WW is not that interesting now. Half of the trill vasnished as they got caught. Every time she mentions the kids he will feel ...


Exactly!

Unless of course she dumps the kids too which can happen.


----------



## LongWalk

> I did play that VAR conversation to her and she was horrified and apologetic. I think she was more horrified that I heard the converstaion and she was caught, than anything else.


Many of the TAM vets advocate never revealing VAR recordings have taken place. You may have gotten them to reconsider.


----------



## jerry123

husbandfool said:


> I plan to post on Cheaterville, just haven't gotten to it yet.
> 
> I did play that VAR conversation to her and she was horrified and apologetic. I think she was more horrified that I heard the converstaion and she was caught, than anything else.


Bingo, it's those things she can't say to your face. She can't be sorry about saying that stuff. She's sorry she got caught. 

The Karma is, she will always be known as a cheater in the kids eyes and it was her that ruined the marriage. That's something that's got to sting, even to a woman like your wife. Or should she now be known as stbxw...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## husbandfool

I don't have the VAR in her car anymore since she moved out and it's hard to get access to her car. Plus, I am no longer in evidence gathering mode since D is underway. I probably wouldn't have played her the VAR if I hadn't filed for D already. 

I do know that she doesn't spend a lot of time at her friend's apartment so, I am assuming she is having "workouts" with her new true love. I drive by often to check for her car. I know her work schedule and the car is away a lot more than for just work. Am I being obsessive? I hope not. I have to let it go at some point or it will all eat me alive.

At some level I don't care since it won't be my problem soon. Of course you can't just turn off feelings and the anger and hurt are still strong. 
So far she has been good about not exposing the kids to the OM. Also, she does spend time with the kids but, that has become awkward since they know what the story is and aren't happy with her.
I am taking the high road and hoping the kids recognize that and appreciate that over time. 

One thing that bugs me is that since our breakup she has been looking fantastic! Gotten into even better shape, dresses sharper, and seems to have energy. Sh looks 10 years younger and is even more a head-turner. I guess it must be all that "clean living"!!
Of course where was that when we were married??? Maybe her boytoy is so well-endowed that I never had a chance. WTF?! This pisses me off to no end but, I am keeping to the 180 so don't acknowledge it to her. I am thinking that maybe she is doing this to get my goat ... to twist the knife a bit. My IC is helping me sift through all these feelings. I can't wait until D so I can have more closure and a better sense of separation and "good riddance" feelings.

WTF!! WTF!! WTF!!


----------



## warlock07

Have you started dating ?


----------



## WyshIknew

I know it's easier said than done but you need to forget about this size thing. Most of us men would like to be bigger but you have what you have.

I've been on here long enough to see a number of threads and they all end up saying more or less the same thing.

A larger guy is more visually appealing at first but in reality unless the guy is enormous it makes very little difference. Perhaps longer may allow a few more positions.

I suspect your wife would have committed adultery anyway and this guys size would make very little difference to her.

I strongly suspect that your WW's world will eventually come crashing down around her and she may come crawling back and his size or lack of will make ****** all difference.

Hopefully by then you may have found someone who appreciates you for who you are.


----------



## husbandfool

warlock07 said:


> Have you started dating ?


No ... no ... no!
I am nowhere near ready for that yet. Don't get me wrong. I've had urges for a revenge A but, not seriously. Sometimes, when I'm feeling ok I can think forward about a new GF. I need to get past the D first. Also, I think it's important for the kids that I not start dating until a formal D. Someone here has to be a role model!


----------



## VFW

husbandfool said:


> One thing that bugs me is that since our breakup she has been looking fantastic! Gotten into even better shape, dresses sharper, and seems to have energy. Sh looks 10 years younger and is even more a head-turner. I guess it must be all that "clean living"!!
> 
> Of course where was that when we were married??? Maybe her boytoy is so well-endowed that I never had a chance. WTF?! This pisses me off to no end but, I am keeping to the 180 so don't acknowledge it to her. I am thinking that maybe she is doing this to get my goat ... to twist the knife a bit. My IC is helping me sift through all these feelings. I can't wait until D so I can have more closure and a better sense of separation and "good riddance" feelings. WTF!! WTF!! WTF!!


Firstly, the reason for the new attractiveness is she is spending time making herself more appealing and she is now unavailable to you. There is nothing stopping you from doing the same thing. Exercise routine, new clothes, new hobbies are all things that can be the first step to the new you. Don't waste anymore time worrying about what she is doing, you need to lead your new life. 

Secondly, don't worry about the sexual statement as it isn't necessarily true. She is in the fog of the affair and sex is 85% emotional and 15% physical. If she thinks he is studly....he is studly, but remember she thought the same thing about you at one time as well. Don't sweat the petty things, this has more to do with her and her selfishness than you. Pleasuring a partner has more to do with attentiveness and a desire to please than the size of the equipment.


----------



## husbandfool

WyshIknew:
I guess I just blurted that. The size issue isn't the thing. What bothers me is her comment to her friend that this guy is just better in bed than me. Noone likes to hear that. 

I know from being married to her that when she wants sex, she can be a ravenous sex machine. She was always more HD than me. Those days have been long gone for me, for sure. This just feeds into the mind movies .... visualizing them together, her riding him .. ugh!
Anyway, enough of that. It all sucks since she seems to be quite content while I am miserable, taking the high road. WTF!!!

I am just hoping that the karma bus has left the station and is on its way for her. I also trust that, after this is all over, I will be with a better woman in the end.


----------



## husbandfool

Been hitting the gym lately and have started on antidepressants. Starting to focus on me.


----------



## keko

My man, she looks better now is because she got dumped by her husband and needs to fool another one to marry her, so she can have a comfortable life once again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

The karma bus is already hitting her. Why do you thinks she thinks its necessary to start looking better etc. That is guilt and over compensating. There is no telling what she is trying to convince hereslf of at this time. But look at what she knows. She has destroyed her family and she is a cheater. And most of all her kids blame her for it all.

She has less than a 3% chance of things working out long term with her affair partner cheater

The karma bus will hit her when she finds out you are seeing someone younger than her, make sure you do.

The bus will hit her everytime she looks into her childrens eyes.

The bus hits when she goes to sleeep at night. etc.etc.

As far as how great he is in bed, cheaters alwasys say that to everyone except who they cheated on. Of course they say that, you think they will admit they have risked everything for a lousy roll in the hay.

The fact is, your wife is simply not a good person. She is a selfish adulterer.

The bus will hit when you overcome your weakness and put him on cheaterville and he/she scurry like the **** roaches they are.

The reason you haven't done it so far is because you don't want her mad at you. Don't be pathetic, be strong and drive the cheaterville stake through his black heart.

Let him reap what he has sowed.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

husbandfool said:


> WyshIknew:
> I guess I just blurted that. The size issue isn't the thing. What bothers me is her comment to her friend that this guy is just better in bed than me. Noone likes to hear that.
> 
> I know from being married to her that when she wants sex, she can be a ravenous sex machine. She was always more HD than me. Those days have been long gone for me, for sure. This just feeds into the mind movies .... visualizing them together, her riding him .. ugh!
> Anyway, enough of that. It all sucks since she seems to be quite content while I am miserable, taking the high road. WTF!!!
> 
> I am just hoping that the karma bus has left the station and is on its way for her. I also trust that, after this is all over, I will be with a better woman in the end.


A woman that says that ain't worth your littlest squirt.


----------



## Shaggy

She putting the effort into looking better because she feels she has to in order to compete.

Deep down she knows a woman with kids who is a cheater is not a catch at all , and that any decent guy us going to run away from her, so she's trying to market herself better.

The truth still is that no decent guy is going to want to be in a relationship with a woman who cheated on her husband. Oh, she'll find other scum bags with no morals who will hook up with her, but they aren't interested in a relationship, and they'll be cheating on her too.

The more she dresses up , the more desperate she really is.


----------



## lordmayhem

After reviewing this thread that started almost a year ago, some things can be gleaned and lessons learned for the newbies and lurkers who read but don't post.


WW was a serial cheater before they married, playing him along with 2 other guys
No remorse from her cheating - she actually thought it was funny that she was playing him
WW settled for husbandandfool because he was the more stable of the three men. She needed a provider who will take take care of her kids from another relationship
WW is an experienced cheater. It took husbandandfool MONTHS to get the evidence he needed because his WW and OM were evading the VAR and GPS by having the OM pick her up
WW is a nurse, one of the top professions that female cheaters belong to, along with teachers and Stay At Home Moms (SAHMs). So keep a watchful eye out if your wife is in one of these professions
WW probably had another PA before this one judging by her behavior, even though she only admits to this one
Husbandandfool admits that his WW is the aggressor in this affair, that she pursued the OM. 

Husbandandfool, your STBXW is very attractive you say, cheated on you before your marriage, and is usually the aggressor. She *MAY* have been cheating the entire marriage, and if so, your entire marriage is a lie. Its obvious to me at least, that she needs to constantly have her ego stroked, she's a player and needs another notch on her lipstick case to prove to herself that she can have any man she wants. 

The only thing I can say now is to stay strong and detach from her, work on yourself and upping YOUR sex rank. She only viewed you as a provider and live in babysitter for her kids. Try to minimize all contact with her. Keep communication strictly through emails and avoid any voice calls and text messages. This helps you detach. This has the added benefit of having all communication documented. And get that divorce rolling.


----------



## sandc

husbandfool said:


> WyshIknew:
> I guess I just blurted that. The size issue isn't the thing. What bothers me is her comment to her friend that this guy is just better in bed than me. Noone likes to hear that.


When people have affairs they almost invariably affair down. Meaning the AP is LESS attractive than their spouse was. Better in bed? Doubtful. He was just a novelty. Novelties are always better until they are no longer a novelty. Then it's just same old, same old. When they tire of each other he will be no better in bed than you were. See?

When you bed the next woman in your life she will seem much better in bed than you STBXW. It will be the novelty. There are only so many things you can do with the human body.

So, it really isn't you. He is not better. Fact.


----------



## LongWalk

All sex is the same, Sandc? That is a sweeping claim
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

LongWalk said:


> All sex is the same, Sandc? That is a sweeping claim
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So tell me what you do that is completely different from what other humans do. Please.


----------



## LongWalk

To say that all sex is equally good is absurd. It's like saying all red wine tastes the same.
What I do is beside the point, but if you did some objective study, I cannot believe that any balanced person would claim that all of their partners were the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

So what is your issue with the original point I made? Affair sex is only good because it's novel. Once the novelty wears off it's only sex. No better or worse than WW could have gotten with OP.


----------



## jackalope1963

sandc said:


> So what is your issue with the original point I made? Affair sex is only good because it's novel. Once the novelty wears off it's only sex. No better or worse than WW could have gotten with OP.


*This post is real as real can be*..*this is the bottom line as stated above* Affair sex is only good because it's novel. Once the novelty wears off it's only sex. No better or worse than WW could have gotten with OP. Let me add that this is why most affairs never amount to any thing other than an affair the vast majority of people regret doing it. To think any different is foolishness.


----------



## LongWalk

Novelty cannot be the only thing that distinguishes the quality of sex. If it were people would change partners more often. What you want to say is that OP need not conclude that his sexual performance caused the affair to continue. That assertion is not implausible, but it cannot be proven. In more than one thread the BS in R cannot replicate the affair sex because the WW refuses to the same kind sex. Sometimes the OP in R is never allowed to compete. That is some OP flatly choose D
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Sex isn't all the same, and this may sound gay but h&f is most likely a great lover for the right women.

So my take is that its not about being good in bed, its about being great in bed with the right person. I think its the chemestry and its just a matter of time that h&f find that chemistry with the right chick that will love the way he does her.

I also believe mabye h&f is just a freak in bed and his STBXW might like it a bit softer or slower....or even if its the other way around and STBXW like sit rough and c&f like it soft and slow!

The point is there is some girl out there that will love they way h&f is in bed.

I have to say in general that we all can be bad lovers with the wrong person. So a again, sex can be awsome or it could stink it all depends on your partener.


I mean really don't you think that the OM was a better sex partner cuz it was new, fresh and different. I bet if the STBXW and Om stay to gether the sex will go bad...I think thats just how h&f's old lady is wired.


----------



## LongWalk

H&F may be the best lover WW ever had, but she maybe rewriting the history of her life. We cannot know the truth about this. In the event of R she may rewrite again. F&H must live with this insult in any event
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

LongWalk said:


> H&F may be the best lover WW ever had, but she maybe rewriting the history of her life. We cannot know the truth about this. In the event of R she may rewrite again. F&H must live with this insult in any event
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree.

His old lady is in a fog and what she told her friend was all affair fog talk. 

I'm sure years ago when they first had sex Mrs.h&f though the sex they had was better then her last guy.

I think its all in her head and she will find some other guy that she thinks is better at sex then her current OM.

Even if I'm wrong and OM has a good game it doesn't mean this affair will last once the day to day starts to come on and the sex gets routine..... 

Lets face it, now that the affair in in the light of day and the excitement and taboo is gone so will the relationship between WW and OM.


----------



## sandc

Exactly.


----------



## jim123

It is more than this because she has moved out. She does see the kids but now has and wanted the single life. The sex with om is better because no kid or family pressures. 

OP should get things moving fast and move on as quickly as possible.


----------



## DecentGuy59

I used a keylogger on my laptop called sspro. 40 bucks and it is yours, period. Screenshots, Keystrokes and lots more. For the cellphone consider stealthgenie. I never got to use that one i didnt need to after the keystroke logger.


----------



## slater

OP states his stbxw is very attractive. Reminds me of one of my all time favorite lines-
"No matter how hot she is, somebody, somewhere, is sick of her $hit!"


----------



## lordmayhem

jackalope1963 said:


> *This post is real as real can be*..*this is the bottom line as stated above* Affair sex is only good because it's novel. Once the novelty wears off it's only sex. No better or worse than WW could have gotten with OP. Let me add that this is why most affairs never amount to any thing other than an affair the vast majority of people regret doing it. To think any different is foolishness.


I would add that in addition to the initial novelty that affair sex is, it's also the thrill of doing something taboo, the thrill of sneaking around, the absolute thrill of doing something very dangerous to the marriage right under the betrayed spouse's nose. Otherwise there would be no Long Term Affairs because the novelty would wear off. 

There was a former member here who initially found out that his WW was sexting the OM, and then found out that they had sex, and then discovered she had been cheating on him with the OM for 8 years. But that wasn't the worst of it. He then found out that his *WW had been cheating on him with the same OM for 15 years, and was the father of the 15 year old daughter*. 

So imagine a WW having sex with an OM and giving birth to OM's daughter, and 15 years later, still sexting and banging the OM as if the affair was still in its beginning stages. Its the thrill of doing something sneaky and naughty and not getting caught. 

Now after the affair is over, the illicit relationship is now out in the open, the sex becomes mundane because there is no more thrill of getting caught, sneaking around, planning rendezvous, etc.


----------



## LongWalk

Lordmayhem, you have described pure h€ll.
Illicit sex is a thrill, just like embezzled money. A 15-yr-long EA is like a company whose shareholder is lied to and abused by a CEO and Chair who constantly solicit capital from the duped owner. Can you link that thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

LongWalk said:


> Lordmayhem, you have described pure h€ll.
> Illicit sex is a thrill, just like embezzled money. A 15-yr-long EA is like a company whose shareholder is lied to and abused by a CEO and Chair who constantly solicit capital from the duped owner. Can you link that thread?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The story is over quite a few different threads.

Texting reveals sexting

Women who have cheated, Can you Explain extreme anxiety with just a touch

Need some help before I make a major mistake Please

Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

And others. He initially thought his WW was cheating for 8years when in fact OM was the father of the 15 year old daughter. Then he tried to minimize his WWs involvement with OM by saying she was victimized and taken advantage by OM and she *ONLY* had sex with OM about once a month, never mind the sexting. 

Seems the novelty of sex with the OM never wore off even after 15 years and conceiving a child with OM. It was the thrill of the affair that kept the sex so good for so many years. Yet she was supposedly taken advantage of by the OM.


----------



## barbados

sandc said:


> there are only so many things you can do with the human body.


so true !


----------



## husbandfool

Well, I found out she went out of state on a trip to run a marathon over the weekend. Hope she pulls a muscle. I think her heart-throb also ran the race. That's OK, I'm doing OK. Keeping busy. Last night I took my sons to see an nhl playoff game. We had a great time.


----------



## husbandfool

It's funny but,over the last 10 years, after we got married, I have bin hit on by a few local women who I've known over the years as friends or aquaintences. A few were pretty overt and very tempting indeed. However, I never cheated and i avoided indulgences. I made it clear that I wasn't leaving my marriage and took the high road. Maybe I was the fool after all??


----------



## husbandfool

I feel very empowered lately. Since I forced her out, I've separated our finances and am in more control of everything. She seems annoyed at how I seem to be so independent lately. I'm becoming more alpha and she doesn't seem to like it.
Oh, boo boo! : )
Can't wait for the D to become completed. I think I'll enjoy dating again and seeing what life is like outside the fishbowl of her universe.

I've left out some details about our interactions. Perhaps when I'm feeling stronger I'll fill in some more of thge blanks. She's a real piece of work.


----------



## jh52

husbandfool said:


> I feel very empowered lately. Since I forced her out, I've separated our finances and am in more control of everything. She seems annoyed at how I seem to be so independent lately. I'm becoming more alpha and she doesn't seem to like it.
> Oh, boo boo! : )
> Can't wait for the D to become completed. I think I'll enjoy dating again and seeing what life is like outside the fishbowl of her universe.
> 
> I've left out some details about our interactions. Perhaps when I'm feeling stronger I'll fill in some more of thge blanks. She's a real piece of work.


Don't let your stbxw push your buttons. She will keep trying to see if she is still in control. You have come a long way in a short time now. Even though this may be the hardest thing you will ever do, respect yourself and don't show any emotions toward her. Your new focus is on you and the kids. You can get through this - it will happen - but you will need time to pass.


----------



## just got it 55

husbandfool said:


> I feel very empowered lately. Since I forced her out, I've separated our finances and am in more control of everything. She seems annoyed at how I seem to be so independent lately. I'm becoming more alpha and she doesn't seem to like it.
> Oh, boo boo! : )
> Can't wait for the D to become completed. I think I'll enjoy dating again and seeing what life is like outside the fishbowl of her universe.
> 
> I've left out some details about our interactions. Perhaps when I'm feeling stronger I'll fill in some more of thge blanks. She's a real piece of work.


I just went through your entire post Well done young man.
The best thing ever made is another day
Tomorrow and the days to come are all yours


----------



## LongWalk

It was terrible that you had to search for evidence for such a long time even as your intuition told you that something was wrong. From the circumscribed account of post Dday interactions, you seem to think she didn't care much about divorce.

Will one of you continue to live in your present home?


----------



## happyman64

You realize HF that with all the running she does it is inevitable she will get hit by a car or some moving object.

Not that I would wish that on anyone but as a runner I am just stating facts. 

I am glad you are feeling better about yourself and your situation.

And when it comes to rowing remember this:

"It is not the size of the paddle that counts but the number and length of strokes with that paddle that wins the race...."

Good Hunting.

When is your divorce final?


----------



## badcompany

Joggers and golfers are the #1 statistics for getting struck by lightning :smthumbup:


----------



## husbandfool

I'm planning to sell the house. Too many false memories in it plus, I can't afford it. We've agreed to split 50/50 what we have invested in it.

Tonight she got drunk and called me and was chewing me out. It was funny. : )
She was telling me off about integrity and "what about our family".
I said ..."really?? Did you think about that when his penis was sliding into you???" She was not amused and got all pissy with me.
Hah! 

What's with the sense of entitlement with these women?? I never saw this in her before. It must be the fog she is living in. Either that or the POSOM truly does have a magical penis!
(somehow I doubt that) : )


----------



## warlock07

She wants to reconcile ? What the hell is she talking about integrity ?


----------



## PreRaphaelite

husbandfool said:


> I'm planning to sell the house. Too many false memories in it plus, I can't afford it. We've agreed to split 50/50 what we have invested in it.
> 
> Tonight she got drunk and called me and was chewing me out. It was funny. : )
> She was telling me off about integrity and "what about our family".
> I said ..."really?? Did you think about that when his penis was sliding into you???" She was not amused and got all pissy with me.
> Hah!
> 
> What's with the sense of entitlement with these women?? I never saw this in her before. It must be the fog she is living in. Either that or the POSOM truly does have a magical penis!
> (somehow I doubt that) : )


You're far too kind. I'd have been more biting with my comments, I wouldn't have been able to resist. "I'm sure you were thinking a whole lot about our family when your greatest lover was sliding his wondrous wad in and out of you. . . You were doing it for us, right?"

But I think you got the message across :smthumbup:

As for her sense of entitlement, her rationalizations are the only thing keeping reality at a safe distance, because it's probably getting uncomfortably close to her.


----------



## LongWalk

Even with a good R you face mind movies. With a false R... you'll waste two more years of your life.

I know violence is wrong but I just wonder how people keep control. 
Why don't they at least take a baseball bat to the glass on the OM's car?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## husbandfool

Quick update ...
Doing well with new lifestyle. Still waiting on D to be final. I've seen her a few times, in dealing with kids and house issues. She is putting on a good front but, I can tell things are not going smoothly.
Every now and then she sends me flurries of texts ... misses "us" ... we should get back together .... sorry and I luv you ... .that kind of stuff. A few months ago I would have gotten sucked back in but now, I find it almost humorous. A few weeks ago I replied to one of those by sending her a picture of a face making a "raspberry". Made me chuckle and she called and started venting at me on the phone .. saying cruel stuff ... like, how she used to think about him when we were having sex ... that after being with him in bed she could never go back to me ... etc.

That stuff doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's no longer my job to make her happy.

She is a strikingly attractive woman, in a healthy "girl next door" kind of way and I'm sure is getting lots of attention. I bet she's finding that the fun life rings hollow. Boo, hopo


----------



## PreRaphaelite

husbandfool said:


> Quick update ...
> Doing well with new lifestyle. Still waiting on D to be final. I've seen her a few times, in dealing with kids and house issues. She is putting on a good front but, I can tell things are not going smoothly.
> Every now and then she sends me flurries of texts ... misses "us" ... we should get back together .... sorry and I luv you ... .that kind of stuff. A few months ago I would have gotten sucked back in but now, I find it almost humorous. A few weeks ago I replied to one of those by sending her a picture of a face making a "raspberry". Made me chuckle and she called and started venting at me on the phone .. saying cruel stuff ... like, how she used to think about him when we were having sex ... that after being with him in bed she could never go back to me ... etc.
> 
> That stuff doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's no longer my job to make her happy.
> 
> She is a strikingly attractive woman, in a healthy "girl next door" kind of way and I'm sure is getting lots of attention. I bet she's finding that the fun life rings hollow. Boo, hopo


Know what I would have said? "Did you make a video? I need something jerk off to. You don't mind if I post it on the internet do you?"


----------



## happyman64

If she wasn't feeling hollow she would not be reaching out to you.....

and sadly, she looks great because you still love her.

But she probably never told you all the truth. And when a cheater is still in the fog, the affair will always be better than the marriage.

The conversations you heard although hurtful to you also showed just how selfish and immature your wife truly is. She is only concerned for herself.

You should post both of them on cheaterville. And inform his family just so they who he really is and the level of damage too your family.

Glad you are doing better. Keep moving forward.


----------



## warlock07

What kind of person tries to rub an affair in their ex's face? You lost nothing valuable or decent.


----------



## sandc

husbandfool said:


> Quick update ...
> Doing well with new lifestyle. Still waiting on D to be final. I've seen her a few times, in dealing with kids and house issues. She is putting on a good front but, I can tell things are not going smoothly.
> Every now and then she sends me flurries of texts ... misses "us" ... we should get back together .... sorry and I luv you ... .that kind of stuff. A few months ago I would have gotten sucked back in but now, I find it almost humorous. A few weeks ago I replied to one of those by sending her a picture of a face making a "raspberry". Made me chuckle and she called and started venting at me on the phone .. saying cruel stuff ... like, how she used to think about him when we were having sex ... that after being with him in bed she could never go back to me ... etc.
> 
> That stuff doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's no longer my job to make her happy.
> 
> She is a strikingly attractive woman, in a healthy "girl next door" kind of way and I'm sure is getting lots of attention. I bet she's finding that the fun life rings hollow. Boo, hopo


You should send OM a note thanking him for taking her off your hands. Tell him to watch her like a hawk because she has a a tendency to cheat.


----------



## Chaparral

Tendency to cheat a lot!

This us the perfect sitch for cheaterville. Not the kids mother though. However, it is necessary to wipe the smugness from the posom's face while he is competing.

He would look better with a few new worry lines on his face.


----------



## LongWalk

husbandfool said:


> Quick update ...
> Doing well with new lifestyle. Still waiting on D to be final. I've seen her a few times, in dealing with kids and house issues. She is putting on a good front but, I can tell things are not going smoothly.
> Every now and then she sends me flurries of texts ... misses "us" ... we should get back together .... sorry and I luv you ... .that kind of stuff. A few months ago I would have gotten sucked back in but now, I find it almost humorous. A few weeks ago I replied to one of those by sending her a picture of a face making a "raspberry". Made me chuckle and she called and started venting at me on the phone .. saying cruel stuff ... like, how she used to think about him when we were having sex ... that after being with him in bed she could never go back to me ... etc.So, what's she upset about? She can enjoy him for the rest of her life.
> 
> That stuff doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's no longer my job to make her happy.
> 
> She is a strikingly attractive woman, in a healthy "girl next door" kind of way and I'm sure is getting lots of attention. I bet she's finding that the fun life rings hollow. Boo, hopo Everyone who knows will sum it up as MILF was a cheater who got dumped. That's not a resume a wholesome girl next door type wants to date with. If she conceals it from her dates, sooner or later it will come up. She will have to spin a version to justify why she cheated. Good luck.
> 
> If she's hot she'll snag someone new, but the chances are not someone who'll match up to you.


----------



## Chaparral

You should have told her you were hoping she would come back but now she blew it.


----------



## husbandfool

I sent the OM a letter congratulating him on his new "catch".Lots of laughs at the end of the letter too.
: )


----------



## jh52

husbandfool said:


> I sent the OM a letter congratulating him on his new "catch".Lots of laughs at the end of the letter too.
> : )


R U kidding about the letter ??


----------



## husbandfool

it was very therapeutic for me.


----------



## jh52

husbandfool said:


> it was very therapeutic for me.


Did you stbxw ever say anything about it?

If not maybe when this is all over you can just drop a copy in the mail from another city / zip code of course.

BTW - good for you and glad it helped.


----------



## sandc

husbandfool said:


> I sent the OM a letter congratulating him on his new "catch".Lots of laughs at the end of the letter too.
> : )


Nice!


----------



## warlock07

Any update here HF?


----------



## husbandfool

Hi everyone,
Been away attacking life. Have been working overtime and working on my D. The kids are doing ok and seem to be accepting our divorce. It helps they are a bit older I guess. It's lucky I am busy at work. I can throw myself into it and escape my life for a good chunk of the day. 

The WW and I have been civil and talk just enough to deal with the kids and D plans. She still seems to be in the fog and shows little remorse. She just apologizes a lot and gets weepy sometimes when I see her.
The last time I met her was to go over some financials .. a quick meeting. Of course she was dressed to kill, and was looking great with her athletic body and over-the-top smiles. Didn't phase me though. You can put Bearnaise sauce on a hamburger but ... it's still a hamburger! I think she has be "banging" the OM periodically.
BTW, I put him Cheaterville and last week I was bad ... I printed out a bunch of small posters calling this guy a wife stealer and ****-weed. I went out after dark and posted these all over town. I know he isn't from here but, it felt good and I figured it wouldn't hurt. 

I can't wait until the D and she will be someone else's problem!


----------



## happyman64

husbandfool said:


> Hi everyone,
> Been away attacking life. Have been working overtime and working on my D. The kids are doing ok and seem to be accepting our divorce. It helps they are a bit older I guess. It's lucky I am busy at work. I can throw myself into it and escape my life for a good chunk of the day.
> 
> The WW and I have been civil and talk just enough to deal with the kids and D plans. She still seems to be in the fog and shows little remorse. She just apologizes a lot and gets weepy sometimes when I see her.
> The last time I met her was to go over some financials .. a quick meeting. Of course she was dressed to kill, and was looking great with her athletic body and over-the-top smiles. Didn't phase me though. You can put Bearnaise sauce on a hamburger but ... it's still a hamburger! I think she has be "banging" the OM periodically.
> BTW, I put him Cheaterville and last week I was bad ... I printed out a bunch of small posters calling this guy a wife stealer and ****-weed. I went out after dark and posted these all over town. I know he isn't from here but, it felt good and I figured it wouldn't hurt.
> 
> I can't wait until the D and she will be someone else's problem!


HF
Good update.

Keep busy and focus on you.

If you feel like it PM me the cheaterville link.

Keep being you. I am glad you gave up eating hamburger.....

HM64


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Hang in there and thanks for the update.


----------



## Chaparral

I love the cheaterville and poster move. I would have to paper his neighborhood too.
Did you send him a link?:rofl:


----------



## jerry123

Just read update from last month...good for you. Keep it up.

Your new confidence will attract a woman who is loyal.


Will you be going for joint custody? Or if i remember the kids are close to 18...


----------



## LongWalk

At the end if the day your kids will summarize it rather simply: mom betrayed dad. She cannot marry the OM easily since he is not acceptable to them. To look fir POSOM2+ is risky for a woman her age, unless she accepts being the neighborhood puma yowling in the night. You dealt with it resolutely. That upped your alpha status that is why spewed venom when you rejected her. Jerry's wife is very similar.

How are doing Jerry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123

LongWalk said:


> At the end if the day your kids will summarize it rather simply: mom betrayed dad. She cannot marry the OM easily since he is not acceptable to them. To look fir POSOM2+ is risky for a woman her age, unless she accepts being the neighborhood puma yowling in the night. You dealt with it resolutely. That upped your alpha status that is why spewed venom when you rejected her. Jerry's wife is very similar.
> 
> How are doing Jerry?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why I have been following his thread. eerily similar. 

Doing good...about to read Athol's new book. 

Had a wonderful 4th with family.

Plus did some crazy things with wife. Won't hijack this thread but let's just say I stepped up my Alpha and I was worn out by Monday. Did not let her know that. I was pretty rough with wife, in pool a few times and master bath floor so her back is sore and also her neck. Ha,ha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew

Notice you've been posting a bit in other threads HF, any updates on your situation?

I almost expected a reconciliation attempt from her the way some of your posts were sounding.

Any feedback on your Cheaterville post, your posters you put out?

OM disappeared yet?

Are you getting out and doing stuff, having fun, meeting any ladies?


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## LongWalk

Could you share the Cheaterville link by PM?


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## happyman64

LongWalk said:


> Could you share the Cheaterville link by PM?


I want HF to post an update and let us know how he is doing.....


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## Chaparral

LongWalk said:


> Could you share the Cheaterville link by PM?


Dittoes


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## husbandfool

Hi folks. I'm baaaaaaaaack!
Back again after a vacation spell. The D is done ...
Yaaaaaaaay!

It's been awhile and I am in a pretty good space right now. 
Work has kept me busy.
I am spending a lot of time working on myself and fixing up the house as much as possible. I figure this Fall/Winter I concentrate on house fixing and post it for sale in the Spring. The work keeps my mind busy which is good. I am really "over her" in terms of wanting her back but, I find it is too easy to slip into spells of extreme anger. Nothing good comes from that. 
I now see her as less attractive and realize that I put her on a pedestal for a long time. That's never a healthy thing to do.

I had signed up on Match.com and have gone on a few dates recently. I've met some attractive women, and some real funky interesting ones too. I'm having some fun with the dating but am keeping it light. No sex just yet. I know what kind of drama that can lead to. Also, I am really not quite ready for that.

As for my exWW … she seems to be a bit lost now. She dropped by one night a month ago, to talk about "kid stuff". She was definitely looking for same action … bottle of wine, tight clothes, all made up. I didn't fall for it. I thought she looked like a skank. Kept it business for 15 minutes then cut her off. I told her I needed to get ready as I had a dinner engagement (a lie) to get ready for. That really got her going. She was all questions and wanted to talk about "us" and getting back together. After another 10 minutes I chased her out. 
She wasn't angry, just very sad looking as she left.
I think she was hoping for some hysterical bonding sex, to open the door for possibly starting over again. Not me, my friend.

It actually bothered me more that night, than it did when I saw her. Hard to get to sleep. I kept thinking and wondering " How did I ever get to this point in life ??" WTF?!!

Anyway, I think her "mr. magical [email protected] man" left her as I'd not heard of them being together in awhile. He probably ran out of Viagra and deflated like a cheap parade balloon in front of my exWW's eyes … imagine the horror of it all! : )
I keep that as a visual to fall back on to keep my spirits up. : )

Another thing I did was mail the OM another letter. I wrote out a list of instructions for caring for my exWW when she felt ill. I spelled out in gorey detail how she was prone to debilitating hemorrhoid flare-ups, which sometimes lasted for days. I told him that I was concerned for her and that it was good that she had someone by her side who could help her walk that journey through life.
It was all made-up of course but, it made me chuckle writing it and it's fun messing with the OM's mind a bit. : )
I'm going to stop that stuff now. I don't want to cross the line and cause trouble for myself.

As for the cheaterville post, I prefer to not spread that myself. I consider that a seed that will germinate and sprout over time.


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## LongWalk

She sounds broken. Did she explain why she thought you should start again?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## LostViking

Great news HusbandFool. Congratulations on your divorce. 

She seems to have come out of the fog and is seeing what she really gave up. Good for you to refuse to be her Plan B. Expect her to get more unattractive and skankier as time goes by. Her guilt, alochol use, and sorrow will age her prematurely. 

I see her switching to the Cougar lifestyle, if she has not done so already. If you have rejected her, she will seek validation with young men who will find her an easy lay.


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## NextTimeAround

sandc said:


> When people have affairs they almost invariably affair down. Meaning the AP is LESS attractive than their spouse was. Better in bed? Doubtful. He was just a novelty. Novelties are always better until they are no longer a novelty. Then it's just same old, same old. When they tire of each other he will be no better in bed than you were. See?
> 
> *When you bed the next woman in your life she will seem much better in bed than you STBXW. It will be the novelty.* There are only so many things you can do with the human body.
> 
> So, it really isn't you. He is not better. Fact.


Guys at university would say, especially the fratboys, there's nothing like fresh new pu$$y.

When my fiance reconnected his EA, she just had to tell him that her new bf was better in bed than he was. And yet still, a couple of weeks later, asked him to drop me so that they could date again.

It gets to a point where there is not much that you can believe.


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