# Indecisive about Hubby, need some advice.



## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

The last few weeks, I've found myself reading just about anything I can find one relationships and more specifically divorce, and came upon this site. I considered replying to the "No longer in love with hubby" thread but really didn't want to hijack Trubie's post, still so much that was said from everyone here inside that thread leads me to believe there are people here who might relate to my situation and offer some objective feedback.

I've been married over 15 years. We have children. We are a very small family unit and have pretty much been each others sole friendship/support over these years.

I've considered leaving several times in the past, in fact only recently came upon a letter I wrote three years ago, but never handed him. I read that letter and realized that nothing really has changed at all in these past three years. 

He's not the man I married anymore, far from it and in the past when I tried to talk with him about our problems, he'll close up and get defensive. Rather than hear my requests to try and change the way we treat each other, he hears that he's the only one at fault (Which I know he is not) and shuts down. If I don't stop the discussion, even later apologize for fighting with him, then peace never returns.

For the record, I'm sure there are things about me that are hurting our relationship too. It's almost cyclical. Like the further we grow apart the less we try.

So onto the indecisive part. I want to leave, I know that I could end up alone for the rest of my life and still probably be happier than I am. But I don't want to hurt him, and he has estranged himself from most of his family and friends so I'm very concerned about putting him in that situation. I'm worried about how we'll deal with the house and the kids and the entire thing just seems so overwhelming. 

I am most concerned by the fact that I have thoughts about his diminishing health and what freedom I might someday have were I to outlive him.

I've sort of spent the last year resigned to the fact that this is the life I have. Until recently, when a friend began to point out it didn't have to be this way. A friend who I am very concerned is turning into an emotional affair for me, pointedly calling out all the things that are absent in my current life (happiness, sex, emotional support, independence, shared visions of life after the kids, even long term health).

I am keenly aware that I am walking a thin line and need to make decisions based solely on what I want, as if this friend did not exist. But I don't think I have the objectivity to do so.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> I am keenly aware that I am walking a thin line and need to make decisions based solely on what I want, as if this friend did not exist. But I don't think I have the objectivity to do so.


You know the answer already. You have to disengage from your 'friend' and put the focus back on your marriage. 

You have not described the areas of difficulty in your marriage (at least not in this thread), so it will probably be tough to give you any advice. You say he is not the man you married... what does that mean?

He has estranged himself from most of his family and friends. Why?

Have you ever tried counseling?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> I've considered leaving several times in the past, in fact only recently came upon a letter I wrote three years ago, but never handed him. I read that letter and realized that nothing really has changed at all in these past three years.


Wow - I missed that the first time through! What attempts have been made in the past 3 years attempting fix the problems?


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Yes, I was pretty vague about the issues, was trying hard to keep this post anonymous.
There are so many things; small in size that layered on top of each other creates a great big pile of problems.
He’s controlling, has an opinion on everything (usually negative) and will impose that opinion on the choices I might like to make. Trying to come to a compromise on anything takes weeks if not longer to achieve where I almost have to cajole him into thinking it’s a decision he made on his own. He’s rude, always. Says he’s just telling it like it is, but taking bluntness to a point of outright disregard for anyone’s feelings. It is in this manner that he’s alienated himself from people. Even my parents don’t care much for spending time with him. He never wants to do anything at all, he would prefer to stay home when he’s not working and will not join me and the kids for trips out. He dislikes crowds, travelling etc, and I would very much like to travel. He gets overly upset at even small things, when I call him on it, he says just let him grouse for a while. We rarely have intimacy anymore, unless I initiate it. We’ve both gotten out of shape, evenings in front of the TV, a few glasses of wine every night. I’ve decided that I don’t want it like that anymore. I joined a weight loss program first and more recently a gym, having taken off a lot of weight. I think I rather hoped this change would be positive for us, even found I was buying nicer undergarments and stuff. He barely noticed. He certainly didn’t seem more attracted by it.
We’ve not tried counseling, as I mentioned before I have tried talking to him about these things in the past, but he seems unwilling to recognize how his behavior is affecting us. And I for one am a rather strong believer that you can’t impose change, no matter how desired, on another person. I’m very worried that counseling will just postpone an inevitable, rather than resolve it.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

You say he's not the man you married...but have you considered the ways you've changed since you got married? 

I'm in a similar situation, although there are some differences.

Sometimes I think my husband is not the man I married, but then I quickly realize that he's exactly the man I married. I am the one who has changed. I'm the one who changed my expectations and views towards happiness in life. I'm the one who realized that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm the one who isn't satisfied with our life together. 

Just think about it.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

I definitely think that I have changed too, how could I have not in so many years. 

However, most of the things I outlined as examples were none of the things he was like when we met and fell in love. I know I never would have fell in love with someone who demonstrated so much negativity. And I think that's what's finally becoming apparant, it my desire to be around more positive attitudes,


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

When I read this, it sounded like one of my threads! We are in very similar situations....
I have also talked and talked to my husband (for three years) and I'm finally came to a point where I'm done talking, and it's time for action. I would rather be alone and happy than to walk around and pretend anymore.
One thing I can tell you is no one can tell or (or you shouldn't allow anyone to influence) when you've had enough and it's time for a change. I wish you luck and wisdom making the changes you need to be happy. Feel free to read my threads....it's scary how similar our situation is!


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Just wanted to say I'm also in a similar situation and have the same reservations you do about the kids and the house and hurting my husband. Not to mention my husband's mom has cancer and he lost his job last year and is a sahd now. I feel awful for even thinking of leaving him now when he needs my support. However the issues we have been having have been going on for years even during times that were much better in his life. I'm trying to suck it up and stay for my kids and the fact that I made this my life but it's not really making me happy. I too had a "friend" that did become an EA but I ended up telling my hubby how I was feeling. Believe me it will only complicate things MUCH more if you continue with that before you really think through on what you want to do. The man I had an EA with is now separated from his wife and says he wants to have a life with me and is completely in love with me. However I know that I have to base my decision solely on my relationship with my husband and be willing to be alone for awhile to figure things out. I have no problem with being alone or taking care of bills but even though I make decent money I know it will be much harder on me as long as my dh is still not working. My bff keeps telling me to do what will make myself happy because if I'm happy my children will still be happy but I worry so much about that and also my family. My family just loves my dh and none of them, except for my brother really know about dh and I having problems. Although most that know me well have seen I haven't been happy for a few years now. I worry about disappointing my dad and my kids and how his family will treat me because they can be very overwhelming at times as it is. I guess the question we need to ask ourselves is can we be happy working it out and trying to focus on our marriage or are we just trying to keep balance and everyone else happy. My dh and I have gone to counseling and he suddenly started spending mroe alone time with me and wanting do to everything with me. He never wanted sex before and now he can't get enough of it and my feelings for him have changed in that way. Once those are gone I have found that they are next to impossible to get back. I guess these are things we really need to take into consideration. I have thought of keeping a journal for myself. Writing down bad moments we have or things that make me sad or that are hard for me and then also things that he does that make me happy etc....Maybe if I can weigh the pros and cons it will help?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> I’m very worried that counseling will just postpone an inevitable, rather than resolve it.


It sounds like time is an issue for you. I would advise you to slow down! This is too important to rush.

I suggest you get involved in counseling immediately - individual and together (if he will go). You can even set a certain amount of time before you begin to make decisions. Go for a solid 3 months (for example), find some clarity and perspective, then consider any major moves. Really, after 15 years, what's another 3-6 months when making a decision this massive? And you have kids involved!


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> When I read this, it sounded like one of my threads! We are in very similar situations....
> I have also talked and talked to my husband (for three years) and I'm finally came to a point where I'm done talking, and it's time for action. I would rather be alone and happy than to walk around and pretend anymore.
> One thing I can tell you is no one can tell or (or you shouldn't allow anyone to influence) when you've had enough and it's time for a change. I wish you luck and wisdom making the changes you need to be happy. Feel free to read my threads....it's scary how similar our situation is!


I did read your thread, and I agree, so very similar. Keep in touch, please.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

BoardNMom said:


> I have thought of keeping a journal for myself. Writing down bad moments we have or things that make me sad or that are hard for me and then also things that he does that make me happy etc....Maybe if I can weigh the pros and cons it will help?


Yes, I too have considered the exact same thing. And thank you for sharing what you did. It really helps to be able to talk with people who are going through similar situations. My EA is single, been divorced 4 years. He tends to make me think about the things I've chosen not to think about, like where do I picture myself 10 years from now when the kids are all moved out. What will my life be like then. Will my husband be an any better companion/lover/husband once we don't have the kids holding us together? Its scary really how that question doesn't hold the answer I want it to. He's quick to point out that while staying for the kids might seem like the right thing to do, they aren't oblivious to marriage problems, and may be a lot happier seeing their parents happier even if that means alone or with someone else.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Janie said:


> It sounds like time is an issue for you. I would advise you to slow down! This is too important to rush.


Thanks Janie, I'm not really in a rush. If I were than I would have probably left a long time ago, even three years back. Even I know at this point, I couldn't possibly make any decisions without taking another 3-6 months to be 100% sure the decision I'm making is right.

As someone else pointed out about themselves, I feel like I've reached a point of resentment and dislike over our situation that even with counseling it will be hard to ever recapture the sense of closeness we once had. I really feel like its just a matter of time until something snaps, but I'm very worried about what that means to everyone involved.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I can tell you that my brother was in an unhappy marriage for years and they stayed together for 21 years for the kids. When they finally did split it was ugly and the kids took it really bad. The kids are age 20 and 16 now and it was way worse on them at their age then it was for me when my parents split when I was young. Just something to think about.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

The real issue I'm facing is just how to even start separating myself. So many years of our lives entangled together, I know he wouldn't move out of the house, I wouldn't want to make the kids move either. But I can't help but feel like the only reason I've not left yet is because he has no support, no friends, no place to go. I know he'd fight me on a divorce, I don't doubt that he loves me, and he really dislikes change.

Rather than living my life for myself, taking care of myself, I'm staying to keep him happy. And feel like I'm slowly suffocating each day.

The thoughts I've had lately, include maybe downsizing my personal possessions. Clearing out my closet of things I haven't worn in years, general things that might make physically leaving later easier.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

AlwaysThinkingMaybe said:


> The real issue I'm facing is just how to even start separating myself. So many years of our lives entangled together, I know he wouldn't move out of the house, I wouldn't want to make the kids move either. But I can't help but feel like the only reason I've not left yet is because he has no support, no friends, no place to go. I know he'd fight me on a divorce, I don't doubt that he loves me, and he really dislikes change.
> 
> Rather than living my life for myself, taking care of myself, I'm staying to keep him happy. And feel like I'm slowly suffocating each day.
> 
> The thoughts I've had lately, include maybe downsizing my personal possessions. Clearing out my closet of things I haven't worn in years, general things that might make physically leaving later easier.



I have felt this way also. I feel like I don't want to leave him when he has no job, his mom is sick and he doesn't really have a lot of friends he hangs out with or talks to a lot. I don't want my kids to have to move or interrupt their schedules and I know he won't move out. Even though my father gave us the land we built our house on and I'm paying the mortgage. He really can't afford it on his own which also means I'd be paying him spousal support and that would drain me.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

This morning I looked around my home and had this sudden realization that I didn't really want or need any of it. Its all just possessions that really don't have much meaning or could easily be replaced. Even the home, that I've always enjoyed is just a place to live.


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## NextStep (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm brand new to this forum and this is the first post that I've read. I couldn't believe how similar my situation is to yours (and to BoardNMom). So much of my time and energy every day is wasted on thinking about how and when I should take the next step. I feel guilty hurting my husband, but I honestly cannot imagine living with him once the kids are off to college (and that time is coming faster than I want to admit). I have lost all respect and no longer have any attraction to him (emotionally or physically). I could go on and on, but for now, just wanted to say that I'm glad I found this forum and folks like you who are trying to deal with the same things that I am.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Hi Next Step, welcome. I am also fairly new here and I tell you I've read a lot of threads and its uncanny how more normal some of these feelings are shared than I ever realized.

There's a lot of good people here, so far that I've encountered willing to offer a supporting post of advice. You should definitely consider starting a new thread for yourself.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi NextStep and welcome to the boards. I am also fairly new but have found a lot of good advice out there. It's good to talk to people that feel the way I do or have been there and what their experiences were. I agree with ATM that you should post a thread.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...no-longer-just-thinking-about.html#post282122


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## Waiting4RightTyme (May 12, 2011)

Hi, everybody. I'm amazed, too, how similar these stories are to my own. Wow! I, too, am wanting a divorce but I don't want to kick him out on the streets. He, too, has no family (they want nothing to do with him) to go stay with and his job doesn't pay enough to cover rent, utilities, food, etc. I've been wanting out for years. He IS having an affair (started 2 years ago, cooled off, then just restarted on Mother's Day). My family doesn't really care for him, and my kids (all teens) don't either. We have no children together. I haven't been IN love with him for over 7 years, but I stayed with him because I didn't want to be alone and he had nowhere to go anyway. But now, I'm done, and I want him out. But where do I send him??? I'm glad I found this site to get advice from others who've been thru this ... and to vent a little.


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