# I cheated. HELP



## sagewife (Jul 8, 2013)

My husband (sageweller) has been posting on here about our marital problems. He asked me to post my side of the story. 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10. We have a 2-year-old son and both work from home, are together all day every day in a remote area with little outside contact.

We had been having some communication problems. Fighting a lot. Lost that close connection we'd had. I know that is not an excuse, but when I was gone for about 5 days, I started texting an old friend. We'd been friends since way before I met my husband. He had always been interested in me, but I wasn't in him. We texted for about 24 hours about general stuff, then it turned into why we didn't ever get together, which turned into what would happen if we had, which turned into sexting. We exchanged naked pictures. We sexted two nights in a row while I was away, then continued texting about regular stuff, flirting, but no direct sexual talk. 

When I returned home, my husband knew right away that something was amiss and I confessed that night that I had been texting the OM. I trickled the truth as you all call it and it was a couple days later before I came totally clean. My husband was furious (rightfully so) and asked me to leave, but I told him I didn't want a divorce. And I don't. I know that our marriage hasn't been the best lately, but I think we should try to make it work, especially for our son. 

However, I missed the excitement of talking to the OM and his friendship. My husband took my phone (eventually returned it with a block on the OM's number) blocked him from facebook etc. and removed all ways I could contact him. 

Things seemed to be improving until the day before I left for a trip (which had been planned long before all this) with friends. We had a big fight because since the betrayal my husband and I had been having sex every day. The night before I left I was tired and grumpy and so we didn't. His feelings were hurt. We reconciled before I left (with sex.)

Anyway, while I was away, a mutual friend of mine and the OM was there and we were discussing him. I admit that I thought it would make me feel better if the OM had someone else in his life. I was hoping she would be interested in him. For some reason, I just couldn't shake caring about his happiness. She started texting the OM on her phone and I was drinking and joined in. We didn't talk about anything sexual, but after a lull in our texts, he called. She didn't want to talk to him (has no sexual attraction to him, she's in love with somebody else) so she gave the phone to me. I knew that it was a bad idea, but lowered inhibitions from the alcohol and yes, I admit, the idea of talking to him was exciting, so I took the phone. We didn't talk about anything sexual, just about what had happened since we had talked. I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore, that I was sorry that I had put him in this messed up situation, and that we could never be friends again. I told him I had to try to make my marriage work. He was supportive but expressed that he wanted me to be happy. 

I didn't confess my indiscretion that night, but the next day I knew I had to tell my husband. I was in the middle of reading "Not Just Friends" and knew that I had to get serious about cutting the OM out of my life. 

My husband has agreed to try to make it work, but we are still struggling. I have not contacted the OM since. I did tell our mutual friend about it later that night, and she agreed that I needed to make our marriage work. We have not discussed him since. I also told my parents about it since then, so that they could help support me as they also know the OM. 

So I guess, we are looking for advice on how to get past this. And, I, specifically, am wondering why would I continue to hurt my husband like this? I know what I did was wrong, but it's so hard to stop. I still have to consciously stop myself from thinking about the OM. Can our marriage be saved? How? 
On a sidenote, my husband seems to be using sex as a way to heal. He wants to have sex everyday, and if it isn't completely mindblowing for me, he is disappointed and retreats from me emotionally. Is this normal? It's hard for me to get that wound up for sex everyday. How can I make him happy? 

Thanks for your help.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

First, very brave of you to come here. Be prepared for some less than friendly and constructive responses. That said, here comes a less than friendly response.

Your story here does not add up. Five days of flirtation, and you're still pining over this guy? How long were you actually in contact with him?

Also, your honesty is good, but how strong can your marriage be if you're ready to throw it away over five days of flirtatious texts? Not sure this is fixable.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

He's likely going through "hysterical bonding" and that's not unusual for a betrayed husband. You can google the term but basically it's an emotional response related to "reclaiming" his territory. 

It will subside at some point and when it does, that's when more problems may develop - with his clearer realization of what he's trying to get past; particularly if you're not demonstrating remorse every day.

One of the ways you can show him remorse is to be open with him sexually during this period and be understanding of the myriad of possible reactions. I would suggest that you educate yourself on how a remorseful spouse responds.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Perhaps i'm becoming cynical, but I have a feeling there's a lot to this story missing. 

So in 3 days you went from "Hey old buddy" to "send me a pic of your little buddy?" 

That's pretty fast. 

Seems like when you leave town this OM just happens to enter the picture.

As for what bad memory says, yea. Once the hysterical bonding subsides, your mind clears and then the hard questions come. 
Here are some questions I asked myself: 
Is this woman a catch and release? Is she worth keeping? 
What else don't I know? 
She was never all that, but now she adds cheating to the mix?
Will she do it again? 
Why should i pay for her with my fidelity and love when other men get her for free?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I'll assume you are disclosing the full truth here. If you are holding something back (either past, or related to current), then the following doesn't apply.

Sounds like you've always liked this OM to some degree. You lowered your boundaries and found out first hand how quickly things can escalate into bad territory for your marriage.

Take ownership of your poor boundaries. If left unchecked they will get you into trouble again and again. Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. 

Apologize to your H, over and over. Thank him for giving you the chance to R with him. Cut OM out of your life. Craft a no contact letter for him with your H and send it. Don't ever let him talk to you or contact you. If he does, do not reply. Tell your H, let him reply.

After being NC with OM for a while your feelings for him will fade. He was a nice escape giving you a hit of 'feeling desirable' during a time when your marriage was suffering. That is not the same thing as love. 

Work on the marriage. Both you and Sageweller each own 50% of the problems that exist. Figure out what the problems are, and start fixing them. No marriage is perfect, even the best marriages need a tune up from time to time. Sounds like your was running poorly and is need of substantial repairs to be roadworthy. 

If after committing 100% to R, and giving it all of your effort you just don't see the marriage as repairable. The answer is not to see OM or have an affair. The answer would be to terminate the marriage. Until such a time, you personal job should be to improve your boundaries so that you don't "slip".


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Make a list of 5 things you can do to make your husbands life better with you in it and start doing them.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

My wife's screw-up is similar to yours in that she also claims there was no sex, just flirting and time alone with the OM. Like your husband, I will never know for sure, so he has to make a leap of faith and trust that he has the whole story.

First, if you are holding back ANYTHING - any previous flirting, any other men, any other activities, YOU NEED TO TELL HIM NOW. I am also really leery of the "5 days to sex talk", but my wife had never met her OM until she was travelling for a work-related trip and they ended up in the same group. Within a week of her being gone, I could tell something was wrong with her. Within 2 weeks, I discovered over 100 text messages to him, even though they stayed in the same hotel, shared a company car, and were in the same group all day.

The only way I could get past the not knowing was being able to ask, over and over, to my satisfaction, EVERY SINGLE QUESTION I had. I verified everything she said as best I could. You now need to expect the same scrutiny and distrust. You did this awful thing - now give him everything he needs to recover from what is likely the most devastating thing he has ever experienced.

Second, this dude is gone. History. Casper. Out of your life FOREVER. No sneaking a text, no calling from elsewhere, nothing. No email, or FB, or searching for his name online. You have forfeited your right to his friendship when you chose to move him from friend into a kind of lover. He's out of your world. Like he never existed.

Next, your life will now need to become an open book. You lost your right to privacy until your husband feels okay to trust you with it again. Never delete anything. Remove passwords (or give them to him) for everything. I even had access to my wife's work email. A year later, she still doesn't delete anything from her phone without asking me first. That's not because I demand it anymore, it's because she continues to try to prove she's trustworthy again.

Also, this thing will take TIME. You have to be patient and prepared for a LONG road back to something that once even remotely resembled your previous marriage. You have damaged your husband in a way you can't really comprehend. This is a life-altering event. I will never be the same. I will never fully trust her again. I will never re-marry if this one doesn't make it. And all of it because she chose to run to another man to escape her problems rather than deal with them.

Last (for now) - you both let the marriage fester, but the Wayward generally shifts the blame to the other spouse in an attempt to salve your conscience for cheating. You MUST own your affair 100% - he did NOTHING to justify what you did. AND you must own 50% of the state of your marriage. 

I wish you both the very best! You CAN reconcile, and he can get past it - my marriage is stronger now than ever - but it is a hellish thing to go through to get to healing. And the heavy lifting is YOURS.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Put yourself in your husband's shoes. How would you feel if he had an affair? Think hard about this and see if you would be hurt. You do need to be totally honest with him, because if you had sex with the OM or you continue to fantasize about him, your husband needs to know. You are looking at the other man with rose colored glasses. This is not the real OM. He is putting his best image for you and if he would cheat with you while you are married, he will cheat on you if you get together.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

There's more. You're leaving something out.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> There's more. You're leaving something out.


I agree. I suspect there was something more physical involved but she's terrified to admit it.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Just be honest. Completely, totally honest. I have no clue if you're telling the truth here, but it doesn't really matter. My WW lied for two weeks about how far the affair went, and it just made things much, much worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sagewife said:


> For some reason, I just couldn't shake caring about his happiness. She started texting the OM on her phone and I was drinking and joined in. We didn't talk about anything sexual, but after a lull in our texts, he called. She didn't want to talk to him (has no sexual attraction to him, she's in love with somebody else) so she gave the phone to me. I knew that it was a bad idea, but lowered inhibitions from the alcohol and yes, I admit, the idea of talking to him was exciting, so I took the phone.


 Your husband posted the exact text of the message that you sent to him telling him about the contact. Below is a quote from the text that you sent.


Sageweller said:


> "She started texting him then and then he called her phone. He asked about me and she gave me the phone."


 In the text that you sent your husband, you did not mention that you were texting the other man (OM) too. This means that you broke no contact prior to the phone call and yet did not tell your husband of this in your text to him. This is a lie by omission. You also said in the text to your husband the the OM asked about you which is why she gave you the phone. Now you say that she gave you the phone because she did not want to talk to him. Changing important things like why you were given the phone, makes it hard for your husband to know what is really true and difficult to trust you You need to focus on telling the exact truth. If you read other threads on this and other sites, you will see that it takes longer for the spouse to heal from the dishonesty associated with the cheating than from the cheating it self. The more that you tell the truth now. The faster he will heal and the two of you can move on.

You were brave to post here, and this shows a lot about your character and willingness to do the heavy lifting needed to help your husband heal. Keep posting, be strong, and start right now telling nothing but the total truth, and you will get though this. Be well and good luck.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Hysterical bonding is what is going onvwith your husband. It will settle in after a while. You need to let go and you need to be completely honest with your husband about what has happened. You won't move forward until you cut all ties with OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear sagewife,

Let me give you some food for thought based upon what you've posted (brace yourself, it's not going to be pleasant):



sagewife said:


> *My husband (sageweller) has been posting on here about our marital problems. [I've been following your BH's thread and have offered him some advice.]* He asked me to post my side of the story.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10. We have a 2-year-old son and both work from home, are together all day every day in a remote area with little outside contact.
> 
> ...


I guess the bottom line is that I believe your motivation for wanting to "reconcile" with your BH is suspect. You don't come across as being genuinely remorseful but rather as someone who is looking for a way to put this all behind you as quickly as possible. Your words to not indicate that you really love your BH or care deeply about the pain you have caused him. Your tone is "matter of fact" rather than emotional and apologetic.

If I were Sageweller, I would probably give you one more chance but I would keep very close tabs on you and, if you didn't start demonstrating by your actions that you are truly remorseful, I would start planning my exit.

So here's my advice to you. Look into your own heart. Can you say that you love your BH? Are you really sorry for what you've done? Do you have any sense of the pain you have inflicted on him? Are you willing to go the extra mile and then some to prove that you are worthy of being his wife? Will you respond to his remoteness and anger with apologies and words of understanding, for however long it takes him to get over this?

If your can say yes to all of these questions, then your marriage stands a chance. If not, he would be better off without you.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Whaaaat???? Oh boy....

Again, if I was the cheater and wanted to see or speak to AP, I would orchestrate a meeting or phone call and then tell husband what happened later so I would look like I was honest in case my husband found out through the grape-vine.

I need to go back and read again. (Maybe)


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Deleted double post


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Mrs. Sagewife

It took guts to come on here and I'm not going to hurl insults at you because last time I checked, I couldn't walk on water. If there were problems in your marriage, there are steps to take to try to correct the problem(s) Talking it out, shouting it out, seeing a MC, separation, divorce. 

I have a honest question to ask and hope you will give me a honest answer. What could have possibly been running through your mind when you picked up that camera and took nude pictures of yourself? First. Sending naked pictures of yourself is cheating. The only difference is, the OM isn't there. The only one who is allowed to see you naked is your husband. No one else. Second. How do you know what this "friend" is going to do with the pictures? You think that maybe he won't show them to his buddies? You don't know do you? You by passed all the steps to correct the problems even if it meant divorce and now made it worse by cheating. How was that going to help? You dug a deep hole and your making it deeper. I would look at what you did as cheating and I'll bet if your husband sent naked pics to a girl he was sexting with, you would be plenty pissed right?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

sagewife said:


> My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10. We have a 2-year-old son
> 
> when I was gone for about 5 days, I started texting an old friend.
> 
> ...


Completely nonsensical.

Please admit that you initiated contact to see where it would lead romantically and sexually.

Did it become physical, was there a meet-up between you and other man? If there wasn't, at least admit that you wanted one and definitely would have gone for one.

Being with your husband is work, being with other man is fun. That is what you posted.

After all these years, why now all of a sudden do you care so much about other man "being with someone" and "caring about his happiness"? Can you not see how ridiculous this sounds? Or have you bought into your own bullsh1t? Please admit that you instigated the whole girlfriend contact thing just so you could talk to other man.

You have not contacted other man - has he contacted you? Is your girlfriend relaying messages? How are you getting around it? Are you using your parents to get knowledge about the other man? Technically you're not lying when you say you have not contacted other man, right?

Your husband is trying to reclaim his territory. He doesn't like rejection, especially since you just gave a major blow to his self-esteem by seeking out another man over him, a man who is exciting to talk to, not "work" to be around like your husband. But I guess you have to do your duty for the sake of your son.

Please re-post a story that tells exactly what you did and why, including any physical contact and any way of staying in contact or knowing of what's going on with the other man right now, not the lies you posted above. Heck, you sound like a poor victim of circumstance the way you tell it, not like someone who sought out other man to send him naked pictures and start an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't you just love those dinky little code words for adultery?

Tryst, indiscretion, bit on the side, fling, affaire de coeur. But it all means adultery...


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

sagewife said:


> My husband (sageweller) has been posting on here about our marital problems. He asked me to post my side of the story.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10. We have a 2-year-old son and both work from home, are together all day every day in a remote area with little outside contact.
> 
> ...


As long as you are in the affair fog your marriage does not have a chance.

You are not even attracted to the guy and now you have to throw away your marriage for him.

You need to ask yourself how after all this time he became so important.

You are at a cross raod in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

For starters I'd take a polygraph to prove your story.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SW, it really sounds like, as some suggest, there's a lot more than you're revealing. You were gone 5 days and "started" texting the guy? I doubt it. My take is you were contacting him long before the trip. If he's in the same town you visited, you most likely got together with him. 
Additionally you told your old man that you talked with him at your GF's insistence to keep anybody for knowing something was going on. Yet now you say the both of you were texting him together.
From my experience I'd guess your marriage has gone somewhat south and you were looking for some excitement, got caught up in it, and are experiencing buyer's remorse when your husband started to realize something is amiss. 
Just remember Mon Sher that what you've done and how far it went is done many, many times, every day of the week. Your main concern is where are you going with the marriage if after the short time you've been together, you're already needing outside stimulation. What's the next 1o years going to be like?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> For starters I'd take a polygraph to prove your story.


Great Idea!!!

Bet she won't do it though.

Well, maybe after a few "Oh and Honey, I need to tell you something else", or a few "When I told you once, it was actually three times"...

I'm not picking on you sagewife, but it's very common, almost guaranteed, that the WS hasn't told the BS EVERYTHING.

Usually under the guise of sparing the BS from even more pain.

And if agreed to, the days leading up to the polygraph test are peppered with bits and pieces of the WHOLE truth that were initially left out.

I guess we'll see...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey sagewife---1st there really isn't anything exciting about your lover------your problem is that you and your H, are basically together 24/7, all the time, cept when you leave for business, or a horse show event

Something has to be done about that problem---mge's in the early part, PRIOR TO RETIREMENT, have one or both spouses out of the house, for all the obvious reasons---and that helps, cuz you just can't be together 24/7 all the time----things are the same old, boring, what have you---that you find a guy, you didn't hit it off with years ago all of a sudden exciting---he is exciting, only cuz you are BORED WITH YOUR LIFE AS IT IS

You and your H---MUST, find ways to deal with your situation, or you are again gonna get into a rut---and you will again find a "nothing" guy, "exciting"

Once you and your H---get out of your rut, and fall back into love, and starry-eyed bliss---if that is possible---you will wonder what you ever saw in your lover---AND HE WILL NOT BE EXCITING

You know what you need to do---your H, knows what he needs to do---if you both want to R---this mge---your BS, and lies, and sneaking around, and using alcohol as an excuse for cheating behavior MUST STOP YESTERDAY

The crap about fixing up your GF, with your lover, was just that crap---all you wanted was some way to keep him in your thoughts, and so what did you do, you continued to "dis" your H

It is about time, you decide, I want to be married to my H, and I will put every effort, I can, no matter what, into making the mge work---or I am gonna leave my H, and get a D, and move on---this is something you have to decide---its time for your childish little sneaking maneuvers to stop---there should have been NC, kept in place, and you knew it---so stop blaming the alcohol---alcohol, did not make you take the phone---you knew you were under a gag order of NC, and you broke it----so what is it gonna be---a grown woman who wants her H/mge---or a little girl with half a brain---who wants to continue to play games----it's your life---ONLY YOU KNOW


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## ianos (Jun 21, 2013)

@sagewife i don't think that you are going to like my coments but nor to me liked your act so let's call it even.


What i don't get is why you text him in the first place given the fact that you knew your friend was interesting in you.
What did you expect to happen?unless if you want this to happen wich explain how fast you went from text to naked pictures.
Why you didn't talk about your problem with your H or a girlfriend or a counselor?Why you thought that cheating will solve your problem?

copy paste from your post
"I just couldn't shake caring about his happiness" Seems that he is a very good friend of you .

Have you asked yourself if he cares about your hapines to ?
Did you tell him that you have problems on your mariage?Did he ask you about your H?And if so, has he try to help you with your mariage?has he pointed to you that you should concentrate on your marriage and you should make it work?Has he gave you any good advice in that direction ? the answer is easy ,no he hasn't.To you is this the way that good friends help each other?

But he has asked you to send him naked pictures of you and text you about:
"why we didn't ever get together, which turned into what would happen if we had"
In which way he cares about you, when he take advadage of your situation trying to use it in favor of him?(unless you want it to)
Is he look to you like an honest man?do you think that he give a s****t about you,or your family or your son?he doesn't care if you get divorced he doesn't care about your son living in a divorced family,he doesn't care if he ruin your life, for him you are an easy and cheap way to f****ck. and you still have to consciously stop yourself from thinking about him?!!!!!.

Do you think that you'll divorce your H and you'll live happily ever after with him?
Well wake up cinderela, to him you are a cheater ,and an easy one, he didn't have to do anything to convince you,
you went to him voluntarily ,do you think that he respect you or care about you?what will stop you for doing the same thing to him?
Don't pay attention to what he says now , that's just his way to get in to your pants(if he hasn't done that already).
As for the hotel call your excuse was ridiculous if you dont want to talk with him don't answer the phone just reject 
the call.You don't care about what he think you are not allowed to talk with him anymore remember?

Anyway if you realy want to save your mariage grub the oportunity that your H gave to you and don't complain about anything just thank your luck that he loves you so much.
Also if there are any details that you "forgot" to mention this the right time to tell the truth because your H deserves the oportunity to deside about his future knowing as much as he can


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sagewife

I imagine your husband is hurt by your actions. He is likely both angry and insecure at the same time. Angry that you disrespected him as you did and insecure that perhaps you don't love him as he thought you did. 

Fixing this situation will take a huge effort on both your parts. You have to be prepared to appreciate his feelings and do what you can to alleviate his anxiety. For his part he has to be prepared to truly forgive you. He can't beat you up with this for the rest of your life.

This process will take a lot of communication and there will be ups and downs. There is no guarantee you will be able to get past it as a couple. All you can do is give it 100% effort.

Best of luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sagewife said:


> I started texting an old friend. We'd been friends since way before I met my husband. He had always been interested in me, but I wasn't in him.


I think there may have been a lot more history/flirtation here than you are letting on. Anytime someone says "an old friend" it sound suspect (esp. on these boards). How did you get in contact with "old friend?" Was it sudden or have you always stayed in touch with him throughout your marriage?




sagewife said:


> Anyway, while I was away, a mutual friend of mine and the OM was there and we were discussing him.


So this guy is part of your "friend group" since you have mutual friends. Does your husband know him? I am assuming you can easily be in contact w/ him since you share mutual friends. 



sagewife said:


> So I guess, we are looking for advice on how to get past this. And, I, specifically, am wondering why would I continue to hurt my husband like this? I know what I did was wrong, *but it's so hard to stop*


This is where the Big Decision comes (from you). You have a choice here. You can either continue to betray your husband's trust and have inappropriate relationship with this guy or you can stand by your word and never have contact with this guy again. So which is it? Know that you absolutely do not have a marriage to save as long as you're in touch with this guy. You have crossed lines/boundaries/cheated with him. That is the bottom line. He is not good for your marriage.

Can it be saved--your marriage? Yes. But only if you and husband BOTH MUTUALLY committed to making it work and if you sever all ties with the OM.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Good lord this one triggers me big time.


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