# Implementing the 180



## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Week one of separation from the house, but finally back home with the kids (wife had first half of week). Getting stronger each day and realizing how much my wife thinks we can just pleasantly go through this and be there for the kids nearly like we're not separated. I feel like she's having her cake and eating it too, so I've jut dropped cold at this point and she noticed instantly. She's keeping quiet as well, but I think that's the best for now.

Doing the 180 could not be more of a challenge for me as I'm the a typical nice guy who is far too trusting and I guess in a lot of ways has just let himself go in these years where our marriage was not all there. Please know that I have faults in this relationship too so I recognize this. For anyone who has done 180, wondering how painful it is to get started and to keep the momentum up? I know I'm just getting going, but dang is it tough out the gate. I'm guessing this can take months to get it going and understood that this is how your handling/moving on??? Any suggestions on keeping it up would be welcomed!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I got it completely wrong for the first month. I was angry and it showed. I was cold and distant. I just pushed her away time and again (and one of the 180 rules is not to do anything to push them away.

If you're a pleasant guy, continue to be pleasant. But be pleasant in the way you would be with a neighbour or the guy in the hardware store. You don't worry about how they're feeling or about whether they are happy. You have a little small talk, conclude any business that you have to conclude with them and then you get on with your life - without having to explain to them where you are going, what is going on in your head or what your life is all about. 

Your wife is now the hardware store clerk. Treat her that way. Show her a cheerful face when you walk into her store to ask for a box of screws, but don't engage emotionally on any level. You wouldn't tell the hardware clerk any of your intimate thoughts or emotions, so don't tell her.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Voltaire....thanks for the tip as it's nice and simple and makes perfect sense. You try so hard to make it just right when you don't really need to overthink these things because that's what gets you in trouble in the first place!!!!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Trying to figure this out said:


> Voltaire....thanks for the tip as it's nice and simple and makes perfect sense. You try so hard to make it just right when you don't really need to overthink these things because that's what gets you in trouble in the first place!!!!


Oh, that's what I do. Ican write it all down nicely, but actually doing it........much more difficult!!


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Voltaire nailed this one---hardware store clerk but not bartender or barber! Be pleasant but don't get into any emotional details and like he said, easy to talk about it but difficult to execute.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I just pushed her away time and again (and one of the 180 rules is not to do anything to push them away.


Don't recall that particular rule.

Makes no sense.

The 180 is so you can learn to live your own life, completely separate and apart from your soon to be ex partner.

Who cares if you push them away in the process? Who cares if your anger "shows"? It's about you, not them. 

If anything pushing them away would be a plus.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Being emotionally hijacked isn't being your best.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

totamm said:


> Don't recall that particular rule.
> 
> Makes no sense.
> 
> ...


I think it's there but I may be wrong. There is certainly a rule about not being angry or cold and about being the sort of person they would like to be with. 

I would say that the 180 is about options - it prepares you to go solo if things don't work out but it is also designed to help to make a reconciliation more likely by making you more attractive to your spouse. For example, Michele Weiner-Davis describes it as the last chance strategy for saving your marriage (in "Marriage Busters")

I would also say that if you still feel anger then you are still attached to your STBX. It's only when you can let go of all emotion - good and bad - and just not really care about them or what they are up to that you can detach.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> I think it's there but I may be wrong. There is certainly a rule about not being angry or cold and about being the sort of person they would like to be with.


A true 180 is done to work on yourself and re-adjust to life on your own without your partner. It's not a way to "win them back" although sometimes the dumper reconsider their decision to leave when they see the dumpee moving on.

Lots of people do the 180 because they view it as some sort of tactic to "change the mind of the dumper by showing them they're this new improved more desirable person".

It doesn't work that way. It never has, and it never will.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

At what point is it best to switch from the 180 to No Contact (Limited Contact if with kids)?

It's very difficult to appear cheery, especially if you are having an extremely hard day coping on that particular day. I probably did the 180 wrong - I found it hard to be cheery and pleasant around my wife who sleeping with POSOM and breaking up our family. That's when I decided to go No Contact as much as possible. Was that wrong for my recovery?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

totamm said:


> A true 180 is done to work on yourself and re-adjust to life on your own without your partner. It's not a way to "win them back" although sometimes the dumper reconsider their decision to leave when they see the dumpee moving on.



As I say it is not presented that way by the inventors/experts such as Michele Weiner-Davis. Her description of the 180 and what she calls the "Last Resort Technique" are very much aimed at saving a marriage (and are given in her books that are all about saving marriages).

Even the name is all about your spouse's reaction. You "do a 180" on them because you do the exact opposite of what they are expecting you to do - because that behaviour clearly hasn't been working. 

Having said that, I agree with your next two statements - so I think that the difference between us is really one of very subtle emphasis.




totamm said:


> Lots of people do the 180 because they view it as some sort of tactic to "change the mind of the dumper by showing them they're this new improved more desirable person".
> 
> It doesn't work that way. It never has, and it never will.


A I say, I agree with these statements. That's because the 180 is a paradox. If you want to save your marriage you have to be prepared to walk away completely. You have to actually start doing that - and prepare yourself for solo life. The 180 doesn't work if you fake it. 

As I said above (and this is perhaps where we disagree), the 180 is about options and about preparing yourself for every eventuality. You have to be prepared (and genuinely prepared - no faking) for life on your own. You have to detach. At the same time, the 180 technique (and in particular you genuinely walking away) is designed to maximise the chances that your STBX will see you in a new light, panic when they see you distance yourself from them and prepare for a new life without them, and as a result drop their anger/resentment/foggy thinking and reevaluate your marriage in a more realistic light.


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