# Getting Closure



## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I was just reading another thread and found this:



> There are multiple paths to closure, only one of them is learning all the details of what the other person did. You are choosing that narrow path as your only way to closure. And choosing that path is dependent on that other person telling you. IMHO that creates in your mind a dependency on the other person and an inability for you to take charge of your own life and move on.
> Consider another path to closure.


That hit me. I'm in this position and I think it's dead on to my feelings. Why am I letting someone else control my closure? For months I've been bent on getting my STBX to admit what she's done. Maybe I was doing that because I knew she would never admit it and then I could go on without taking full charge of my life again.

I feel like I've taken control of everything else, except that one thing. And it's not healthy to be relying on someone else for your happiness.

Thanks to the guy who posted that! Maneo I think was his or her name?

Anybody else get closure without having the other person admit what they did? I am on a mission to close this chapter and do it all internally if I can.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Isuck said:


> Anybody else get closure without having the other person admit what they did? I am on a mission to close this chapter and do it all internally if I can.


As I stated in that thread--my closure was knowing that I would never get the "closure" I wanted it. My closure was accepting that I'd never have all the answers and that moving forward, it didn't matter. What was done, was done and it would not have made a difference.


----------



## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I did read that too, great point. It really is about controlling what you can control. I almost think now that trying to get her to admit her affair is my last stab at "controlling" her somehow. I think I did that too much in our relationship and it obviously led to where we are at today. 

I love these "a-ha" moments!


----------



## fourwheeler431 (Jun 21, 2013)

Isuck said:


> I did read that too, great point. It really is about controlling what you can control. I almost think now that trying to get her to admit her affair is my last stab at "controlling" her somehow. I think I did that too much in our relationship and it obviously led to where we are at today.
> 
> I love these "a-ha" moments!


I posted the other thread about getting closure and your post here just somewhat gave me an a-ha moment for myself. Thank you very much for that!


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I did get my answers, just not from her. You can piece together what happened by reading TAM, Just Plain Bob and Ohio stories, and watching some porn. It sounds stupid but after about one thousand to two thousand stories, you get the flow of. People are pretty much the same, same lies, same out come. Just my 2 cents David


----------



## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

True. I did get confirmation from the POSOM's ex wife too. (I met her for coffee to compare notes a couple months back). All the timelines and stories I heard from her just had me shaking my head in disgust. I think that meeting with her might have set me down a determined path to MAKE my STBX admit it once and for all.

In reality, she never will and now I'm starting to accept that I don't need her to admit anything. What's done is done. Her admitting it is not going to change anything. I'm done with trying to control her. I'm going to close this chapter of my life internally and not rely on her to do it for me.



Feels good.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

I had this a-ha moment a while back. I am still slowly letting go of the fact I will never have the full story and he will never admit what he did basically destroyed the marriage. We had issues, I am not perfect but his cheating and lying left NO room for reconciliation.

My challenge is letting go of the sense of fairness. Sounds silly, but I am a Libra and my sense of justice and fairness is strong.

Day by day, and when the divorce is final, the house disposed of, I will have little reason (except when it comes to our young adult children) for any communication with him and it will get easier.

Hope to find closure soon and truly move on


----------



## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> I had this a-ha moment a while back. I am still slowly letting go of the fact I will never have the full story and he will never admit what he did basically destroyed the marriage. We had issues, I am not perfect but his cheating and lying left NO room for reconciliation.
> 
> My challenge is letting go of the sense of fairness. Sounds silly, but I am a Libra and my sense of justice and fairness is strong.
> 
> ...


Living Again, I am a Libra as well. My story seems similar to yours too. The constant searches for infidelity and bold face lying about what's in black and white. No admittance on his part. Therefore no closure. Yet I feel the need to be fair. To consider all sides. To entertain his side of the story even though I know he's not been transparent at all. I see him hurting and morning the loss of our marriage and it tears me up.

So I guess there's a lot to it. There's the closure we so desperately need and our nature (libra), which always causes us to put the feelings of others above our own.

Anyway, I'm in the same boat as you are. But as others have suggested, we must find our closure elsewhere and stop balancing the scales. The scales were tipped against us yet we keep tipping them further because we have an overwhelming need for balance. But we will never balance the scales unless we are given the same consideration as we extend. Lying to us is not something we can ever balance. So that scales are not within our control. Until there's transparency and honesty the scale will not balance. So we need to let go of it.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> Living Again, I am a Libra as well. My story seems similar to yours too. The constant searches for infidelity and bold face lying about what's in black and white. No admittance on his part. Therefore no closure. Yet I feel the need to be fair. To consider all sides. To entertain his side of the story even though I know he's not been transparent at all. I see him hurting and morning the loss of our marriage and it tears me up.
> 
> So I guess there's a lot to it. There's the closure we so desperately need and our nature (libra), which always causes us to put the feelings of others above our own.
> 
> ...


Best of luck to you too 

Another thing that I need to always remind myself of to move forward is that even if I had the whole truth, it wouldn't change anything...I would never want to attempt reconciliation again and I want the divorce.

I guess it bothers me because I know the story he tells himself and the rationalization of his actions and that puts the blame on me. He has no personal responsibility. Again, unfair even if it's only in the circus of his personal reality.


----------

