# Is it worth the risk....?



## luvmygeetars

My wife and I have been separated for almost 18 months now, following her affair and walking out. 3 months ago I decided to proceed with a legal separation and then divorce. About 6 weeks ago she asked if we could have discussions that might be helpfull for co-parenting our two boys (3 and 6) and potentially reconciling depending on how well the discussions went.

She has stopped all contact with the OM, but is still evasive about certain aspects of their relationship. She did apologise for the affair about a year ago, but actually continued it and lied about it.

She has also admitted that since ending contact with the OM earlier this year, that she had a drunken one nighter after I told her I would be divorcing her. She has said that she wants to be completely honest with me now and focus on the issues we had in the marriage before the affair first, then we can work on the affair.

Am I wrong to have reservations about doing this?
I still feel like she has not taken responsibility for her affair, if she had she would've apologised for it and also for the lies. Should I be asking for that before we bother with these discussions?

What kinds of things should I be seeing and asking for to know that she is truly sorry and actually commited to this process?

Cheers

Brad


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## GusPolinski

luvmygeetars said:


> *My wife and I have been separated for almost 18 months now, following her affair and walking out.* 3 months ago I decided to proceed with a legal separation and then divorce. About 6 weeks ago she asked if we could have discussions that might be helpfull for co-parenting our two boys (3 and 6) and potentially reconciling depending on how well the discussions went.


No.



luvmygeetars said:


> She has stopped all contact with the OM, but *is still evasive about certain aspects of their relationship*. She did apologise for the affair about a year ago, but *actually continued it and lied about it*.


No.



luvmygeetars said:


> She has also admitted that since ending contact with the OM earlier this year, that she had a drunken one nighter after I told her I would be divorcing her. *She has said that she wants to be completely honest with me now and focus on the issues we had in the marriage before the affair first, then we can work on the affair.*


No.



luvmygeetars said:


> Am I wrong to have reservations about doing this?


No.



luvmygeetars said:


> *I still feel like she has not taken responsibility for her affair*, if she had she would've apologised for it and also for the lies.


That's because she hasn't.



luvmygeetars said:


> Should I be asking for that before we bother with these discussions?


No. Just divorce. If she isn't genuinely remorseful for her actions (and it doesn't sound at all like she is), there's nothing that you can say to her that's going to get her to that point.



luvmygeetars said:


> *What kinds of things should I be seeing and asking for to know that she is truly sorry and actually commited to this process?*
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Brad


She's already shown you that she's not.


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## GusPolinski

Since you seem to be doubting yourself, I'd like to remind you of the following, which I've borrowed from one of your other threads...



luvmygeetars said:


> I have posted a few times now about the issues I have been dealing with, with my wife and the advice and support on this forum has been very helpful.
> 
> Last Friday it felt like my world just absolutely collapsed. After several discussions over a number of weeks, my wife and I began talking about reconciling. I talked about what I would need - to know that I had been told the truth about her affair and that the man she cheated with (Jason) would never come back into our lives. She acknowledged that and finally told me the whole truth. As painful as it was to hear, as I was glad to have the truth and know that we could move on.....finally. She assured me yet again, that Jason was out of her life, as she has done countless times since March; she had not contacted him and never would again.
> 
> I decided to confront Jason and tell him I knew the truth, what a manipulative user he was for taking advantage of my wife while she was recovering from her psychotic breakdown and to stay out of our lives and never contact her again. My plan completely backfired in spectacular fashion. After speaking with him I finally have the real truth. I was physically ill after I got off the phone from him, and I could barely comprehend what he was telling me. In short
> *- my wife never stopped contact with him. Even during our marriage counselling sessions, she was still in contact with him
> - their affair included physical sex, not just dirty messaging and photos like my wife said
> - she has continually and repeatedly lied to me, about nearly everything it seems.
> - she has lied to him. She admitted to me that she lied to him about her psychotic breakdown
> - she has lied to our marriage counsellor
> - she has lied to her own psychiatrist
> - she has lied to all her family and friends*
> 
> Everything makes so much sense now. All of the little things that didn't add up have all fallen into place now.
> 
> Since she has been caught out, she has blamed me for her lies, saying I gave her no choice. She has claimed that I am the mentally ill one, not her. She has accused me of bullying and harassing her and become extremely aggressive towards me.
> 
> *I have spoken to my own therapist at length about this and his belief is that she is a compulsive or pathological liar and that until she admits her lies to herself and her therapist, she will never improve.*
> 
> Does anyone have any experience with a compulsive liar? Can they be cured? I'm just in total shock about this whole thing.
> 
> I can't believe this has happened, especially after we had been speaking about reconciling.
> 
> I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Brad


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## kristin2349

My God man what does she have to do to prove to you that she is not interested in being a real wife? 

Listen to @GusPolinski and divorce her already. She is a remorseless cheater, you can't work with that and why would you want to. She simply misses the benefits of being married, if you were dumb enough to take her back she'd do it again without even giving it a second thought.

Just run and don't look back.


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## BetrayedDad

The woman you married was an illusion.

The woman you married was an illusion.

The woman you married was an illusion.

You want to reconcile because you want the pain to go away. Like it never happened. Well you can't. You married a compulsive liar. Everything she said and did to get you to propose to her was a FRAUD. The woman you thought you loved never existed. Just this wolf in sleeps clothing. Reconciling with her will change nothing. She will do this again, she will still be the adulteress who stabbed you in the back and walked away. She only wants you for plan B because OM bus tossed her hard. She doesn't love you, she only pretends too. 

Start a new life, find another woman who will love you for YOU, even alone is better than this sucubus. Don't be a fool.


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## aine

The quicker you see your STBXW for what she is (all the things mentioned in prior posts) you can close this door and move on, as it is now you are caught in the spider's web and will never heal if you keep this up. Go through with the divorce and move on.


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## Lostinthought61

you realize that things did not go well for her and the OM and so now she goes back to what she knows and feels safe with ...you which makes you PLAN B.
and she wants this under her rules...until the next guy comes along...i bet if you put a piece of paper in front of her that you will accept R if she agree to forego any alimony, any support, or to touch your 401K, if she cheats again, that she lives the rest of her life in COMPLETE transparency...COMPLETE Honesty to what happen in the past...she will back away from R in a second.


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## happy as a clam

Why on earth are you even considering this?

The affair and all the lying was bad enough. But the *drunken one-nighter* pretty much sealed the deal. Game over.

Proceed with divorce.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

luvmygeetars said:


> I have posted a few times now about the issues I have been dealing with, with my wife and the advice and support on this forum has been very helpful.
> 
> Last Friday it felt like my world just absolutely collapsed. After several discussions over a number of weeks, my wife and I began talking about reconciling. I talked about what I would need - to know that I had been told the truth about her affair and that the man she cheated with (Jason) would never come back into our lives. She acknowledged that and finally told me the whole truth. As painful as it was to hear, as I was glad to have the truth and know that we could move on.....finally. She assured me yet again, that Jason was out of her life, as she has done countless times since March; she had not contacted him and never would again.
> 
> I decided to confront Jason and tell him I knew the truth, what a manipulative user he was for taking advantage of my wife while she was recovering from her psychotic breakdown and to stay out of our lives and never contact her again. My plan completely backfired in spectacular fashion. After speaking with him I finally have the real truth. I was physically ill after I got off the phone from him, and I could barely comprehend what he was telling me. In short
> - my wife never stopped contact with him. Even during our marriage counselling sessions, she was still in contact with him
> - their affair included physical sex, not just dirty messaging and photos like my wife said
> - she has continually and repeatedly lied to me, about nearly everything it seems.
> - she has lied to him. She admitted to me that she lied to him about her psychotic breakdown
> - she has lied to our marriage counsellor
> - she has lied to her own psychiatrist
> - she has lied to all her family and friends
> 
> Everything makes so much sense now. All of the little things that didn't add up have all fallen into place now.
> 
> Since she has been caught out, she has blamed me for her lies, saying I gave her no choice. She has claimed that I am the mentally ill one, not her. She has accused me of bullying and harassing her and become extremely aggressive towards me.
> 
> I have spoken to my own therapist at length about this and his belief is that she is a compulsive or pathological liar and that until she admits her lies to herself and her therapist, she will never improve.
> 
> Does anyone have any experience with a compulsive liar? Can they be cured? I'm just in total shock about this whole thing.
> 
> I can't believe this has happened, especially after we had been speaking about reconciling.
> 
> I don't think I will ever trust anyone again.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Brad



OMG you cant be serious?

Enough already!


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## ConanHub

She is a raging crotch monster that doesn't like the repercussions of the life she has chosen.

At this point, I would advise you to proceed with divorce.

If she betters herself by becoming an entirely different person, one with dignity, you could START with her affairs and all the issues surrounding her pathetic behavior.

If you become satisfied that she has indeed traded in her lizard form for human, then maybe start MC with her but do NOT get back together with her even at that point.

Take a lot of time even if she is provably improving.

She needs tested for STDs. Full panel, and again several months later.

She is a horrible liar and you really have no idea how many or who.

Her vag could be a real cesspool because of her careless behavior.

I don't think it is a good bet right now and probably not ever.

You could encourage her to get healthy for the sake of co-parenting at least.

How are you doing with counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349

ConanHub said:


> She is a raging crotch monster that doesn't like the repercussions of the life she has chosen.
> 
> At this point, I would advise you to proceed with divorce.
> 
> If she betters herself by becoming an entirely different person, one with dignity, you could START with her affairs and all the issues surrounding her pathetic behavior.
> 
> If you become satisfied that she has indeed traded in her lizard form for human, then maybe start MC with her but do NOT get back together with her even at that point.
> 
> Take a lot of time even if she is provably improving.
> 
> She needs tested for STDs. Full panel, and again several months later.
> 
> She is a horrible liar and you really have no idea how many or who.
> 
> Her vag could be a real cesspool because of her careless behavior.
> 
> I don't think it is a good bet right now and probably not ever.
> 
> You could encourage her to get healthy for the sake of co-parenting at least.
> 
> How are you doing with counseling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree: This woman is made of snakes, run... NO it isn't worth the very real "risk" it is laughable to call it that, it is a certainty.


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## happy as a clam




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