# Doing a backflip! Right now!



## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

how are ya im flabergasted right now and dont know what to think she came over today we brought our son to school she stayed for coffee we talked a little bit and then we sat down and watched tv a movie and ordered out luch together i know when im ahead so when she sat down to hang out i just shut my mouth didnt bring up our problems and enjoyed her company and only talked a positive things good times we had our son etc...a wise man knows when to shut up and just go with the flow she did say dont expect this to go anywhere and i dont but later today she slipped and had metioned something about changeing her address over to where she is living now but that she could always change it back if anything happened again between us i didnt say anything to that comment is she trying to test the water with me? i think honestly the whole comment about thisw not going anywhere was more if a defence reaction than anything else now im happy as a pig in **** but more lost than anything please help!
__________________
:scratchhead:


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is good to hear, hoping the best for you.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

CPT CONFUSED said:


> where she is living now but that she could always change it back if anything happened again between us i didnt say anything to that comment is she trying to test the water with me?


I dont know if she was trying to test you but it sounds like she was letting you know she is willing to try again. at least she just opened the door.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I would have to say "down boy," keep your cool man...see this is how women are...she couldn't just say "I'm thinking about us trying it again some time" she had to slip that in sideways.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

martino said:


> I would have to say "down boy," keep your cool man...see this is how women are...she couldn't just say "I'm thinking about us trying it again some time" she had to slip that in sideways.


martino,
a glimmer of hope. this dude saw a glimmer of hope. something to keep his dauber up! i say yay! but true, keep your cool. it's working for ya.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

morning guys! wife stopped by very quickly this morning ackkk still driving this *******s truck oh well hes not my problem hes out of the picture he has to figure out what it is my wife needs by trial and error thing is i already know lol and i have history so who do you think is going to lose in the end? not me!!! by the way she took her wedding ring out of her purse while in my apt today put it on and said hey look this doesnt fit anymore meaning the ring had gotten to small but i said to myself why would she try that on in front of me? hidden message maybe? who knows i do know that when she got back in the truck i was talking to her and she had pulled a brick of fireworks from the console and had said something about her friend being so childish looks like her white knight isnt all of what hes cracked up to be looks like wife is getting iritated with him lol she was knocking him down in front of me by making the comment about him being childish and didnt even know it! ahhh well i think i just need to sit back and let the magic take its course im patiant enough plus a heck of alot more mature than the entire situation so only positive things will come of this i know it!


CPT:smthumbup:


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hey guys question for ya i have been getting along great with my wife as of late but she just called me and we had a conversation and she said she had filed for child support on our son or i should say she said she filed for welfare because she lost her job and they asked if she was married and she said no seperated so they filed the claim am i supposed to just roll with the punch here? i mean she did call me and explain to me what had happened and we talked about it didnt argue but with all that has gone on some part of me is wondering if she played face with me just to jam the knife farther into my back im so confused right now i mean im not going to deny my son what he needs and i understand the process in our state when you file this is something that happens and she did call me and was honest about it what do you guys think is my next step here it does seem she on some level is willing to work things out and did say that if we got back together the could always remove the child support payments damn im so lost help!


CPT


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

and just to clarify in the state of massachusetts if you are seperated and file for welfare the DOR automatically files petion for child support


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sounds like she's just covering her bases...she doesn't want to be left "out in the cold" and her keeping you upodated is never a bad thing...hey man, just keep doing the right things...time is your friend...and i love how calmly you're reacting to her driving ol' "d-bag's" truck...the hell with that little weasel...he's no competition for a man on a mission. and YOU, my man, are on a mission!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Aren't you the one that has been taking care of him?

draconis


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

yes drac i am kinda screwy eh?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

But if you are taking care of him why is she getting the child support?

draconis


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

in my opinion ,,,
She only deserves child support if she is the one your child is living with . I know that the state may disagree, but if your the parent taking care of him, and he lives with you why should she get support . Its o.k if you are generous with paying her some for when he is with her , but she is being the irresponsible one here and why does she get the free pass. 

What you do is your business , im just coming here with advice, My first wife ran around on me and took me to the cleaners and i hate to see someone else go through what i did. 

I hope the two of you can work things out , but if not , make sure you get a lawyer . I only say this because i didnt and Her and the State made me look like a was the bad person in court . 

I know you love your son and want whats best for him . Sometimes that means taking care of yourself . Its not selfish , its being responsible.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

agreed tarheel im taking very good care of myself and also making sure my concerns are being met but it doesnt hurt me to try to at least work on my marriage because i have come to also understand things might not work out and im okay with that but i also understand that if i dont play all my cards here that i will be doing the same thing i have done all my life walking away from my problems and im not about to continue down that path for the rest of my life ive reached a point in my life where there has been a calling of sorts so to speak and im gonna just dig my heels into the ground and mature from this whole situation and see what happens ive always loved a challange and now i have been faced with the biggest one of my life!!! 

i always say it good to grab the bull by the balls and see what happens guess now i have that chance!!!!!


CPT


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

CPT CONFUSED said:


> agreed tarheel im taking very good care of myself and also making sure my concerns are being met but it doesnt hurt me to try to at least work on my marriage because i have come to also understand things might not work out and im okay with that but i also understand that if i dont play all my cards here that i will be doing the same thing i have done all my life walking away from my problems and im not about to continue down that path for the rest of my life ive reached a point in my life where there has been a calling of sorts so to speak and im gonna just dig my heels into the ground and mature from this whole situation and see what happens ive always loved a challange and now i have been faced with the biggest one of my life!!!
> 
> i always say it good to grab the bull by the balls and see what happens guess now i have that chance!!!!!
> 
> ...


Just know when to let go so you don't get dragged.

I think that it is mature of you to step up and face this instead of taking the easy road.

draconis


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hey all just wanted to keep everyone updated spent another afternoon with wife today i know the boyfriend is still in the picture but i dont want to push anything how or should i say what is the easiest way for me just to forget that hes in the background and just focus on whats important to my wife any sugestions? its tearing me inside knowing i have to compete for my own wife and although i will never show her my anger in front of her right now sometimes i just want to come home and punch a wall some days are good and others suck so bad!! anyone that has delt with this before please hammer home some insight to a guy that has a very thick skull sometimes and doesnt always see the obvious!

CPT


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

Every situation is different and you just need to do whatever makes YOU feel better . The anger is understandable and as far as competing for your wife , sounds like you are already starting to win this battle . If she is spending more time with you ,she must see something in youlls future . Just continue to take care of your son and yourself and if she comes around thats good and if she doesnt at least you and your son are headed for better days. Its tough ,but stay the course and at the least you will be a better person for all that you have gone through . 
take care and good luck


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

thanks everyone for all your broad insight on my troubling times. it does really suck so much sometimes but i know im the better person deep down inside myself for what i am doing for my son. i will only benifit greatly from the outmost remorse i show for mistakes made. and yes i as a person will ultimatly come out on top of this whole situation. because i have learned from my mistakes! i would like to know on some level my family will become whole once again. but only time will tell and only god must run his course. if its ment to be so be it no one is above gods will. and i will soon know what that is. i want to thank everyone for thier straight forward insight on my problems and thier kind words. i can only take baby steps from here and work things out!! thanks again

CPT


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

good morning all. i could really use some hard advice right now. wife blew me off all day yesterday. i had come to find out she threw a birhtday party for my son and it seems like she didnt invite me for a fear of there may have been a problem with myself and the other man. i did get to see my son on his birthday which was saturday. and we had a great time. however im so hurt that my wife would plan something behind my back and not tell me about it and dodge me all day long just because she doesnt want me to know whats really going on with this guy. am i supposed to take this to heart? is this wrong? am i being selfish thinking how much this hurts me when not knowing her true motive behind it? thing is it hurts because i know that this guy was doing something i wanted to do be with my son at his birthday party. someone shed some light here i want to understand but hope im not showing a selfish side of myself i dont quite understand.:scratchhead:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You are not being selfish at all. Once again, she is...she is putting what she wants (having 'him' there) above what you and most importantly your son would have wanted. In my opinion, it is way too soon to have him around your son at all, especially when she is still so unsure of what she is doing and sending you mixed signals. Sorry to hear this.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I agree that it is way too soon to have someone else around you son. What was she thinking? That is nuts. I too am very sorry to hear this. I feel for your son that is being introduced to new people at his own party when he is going through enough already. Very selfish on her part!


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

new just for the record this is far from new. hes been hanging around my son since less than a week after my wife left me. makes me feel so angry that i have this gut feeling that she was leaving me long before she did for this guy. almost like it was in the works. hung around me until something beter came along or so she thought. but i have to tell you i have had about as much **** as one person can take at this point! im not going to allow myself to be a friggin pawn in this crazy ass game any longer! she needs to chose either me or him. my son is not learning the proper way to handle adult situations at this point and this is what pisses me off the most! damn to sit here and think this was all planned before she left me. she been with this crapbag! for as long as we have been seperated who knows maybe longer than that! thing is she left me to cover her tracks with this clown and that i know to be the truth! god give me strength let me be strong so i can get passed this tough time in my life!





:scratchhead:


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

CPT CONFUSED said:


> new just for the record this is far from new. hes been hanging around my son since less than a week after my wife left me. makes me feel so angry that i have this gut feeling that she was leaving me long before she did for this guy. almost like it was in the works. hung around me until something beter came along or so she thought. but i have to tell you i have had about as much **** as one person can take at this point! im not going to allow myself to be a friggin pawn in this crazy ass game any longer! she needs to chose either me or him. my son is not learning the proper way to handle adult situations at this point and this is what pisses me off the most! damn to sit here and think this was all planned before she left me. she been with this crapbag! for as long as we have been seperated who knows maybe longer than that! thing is she left me to cover her tracks with this clown and that i know to be the truth! god give me strength let me be strong so i can get passed this tough time in my life!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Calm down. I know that this sucks. It is terrible what she has done. What is she saying to you about your relationship?


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

saying that we can work on our relationship but that thing will take time but i feel thats an excuse to continue to have this outside relationship but keep me on the burner if things dont work out with this *******


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

CPT CONFUSED said:


> saying that we can work on our relationship but that thing will take time but i feel thats an excuse to continue to have this outside relationship but keep me on the burner if things dont work out with this *******


You are absolutely right. She needs to commit to either working on the marriage or not. It is horribly unfair that she is doing things this way. However, life is not fair. If she continues, you may decide that you don't want to be with her. At this time, I would ask her to make a choice, work with you on the marriage or not. Don't ask her to choose between you and the other guy. Tell her that if she is committed to making the marriage work she knows what she needs to do about him. Also, that she can only work on one relationship at a time.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

at some point tomarrow strong and swedish im going to post the text conversations we had today myself and my wife and tell me what you all think i cant do it right now im on my way to work but i will do it in the morning have a great night

CPT


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Keep us updated.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Dude the following is just my opinion but...SACK-UP!! I know you want what we all want...the perfect marriage to the perfect person with the perfect family but that is not the case here. You brought up the Jerry Springer card on an earlier post but this your story really fits. Here is my tough love advice...quality people don't do what your wife is doing period! and you my good man are allowing her to do it and still wanting her back?! Don't get me wrong everyone can make a mistake but, she is showing a pattern of low class behavior that does not indicate a quality person. Do you really think that she will change and become the quality person/wife/mother that you envisioned when you married.infedelity happens and can be overcome but this is a pattern of behavior not just a weak moment or a cry for attention. I'm sure this is not what you want to hear but....you need to hear it bro. It's time to step up for your son and for yourself and say "I will not accept this in my life". She is playing you my good man and using your desire to get back together to stroke her immature ego. How nice it must be for her to know she can sleep with him and still have you wanting her back!! Again sack up,lawyer up protect your son and yourself and let her be someone else's problem. Your heart is blocking what your head knows to be true. I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Good luck.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

okay ladies help me out here im scratching my head and my ass at the same time maybe one of you can shed some light here now all of a sudden my wife isnt talking to me at all and is avoiding me every chance she gets for the last two days she hasnt said **** to me she did say she was having her "friend" right now her one that comes to visit every month for about a week but she has completly shut me out is this normal in these types of situations? i mean she has had her friend quite a few times since she left and she still talked to me what gives now? could maybe she be feeling guilty about something she may have done? or could it be she was getting close to me and put on the brakes? i hope someone that has gone through this can gimme some ideas?

CPT:scratchhead:


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

CPT,

I've been following your story here from the beginning. I suggest you read Kirkster5's advice over and over again at least 50 times until it sinks in. You are a good man with a good soul trying to do everything you can and you have done all you can. You are love struck and she is looking down on you more and more and laughing. Psychologically you are reinforcing her behavior by clinging to her words and actions. Prepare to move on, she doesn't deserve you. No "yeah but they don't know her," etc etc etc...toughen up and find more worth in yourself.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Completly shutting you out has nothing to do with her period. Something else is up.

And by the way...as far as working on the relationship...you are not Plan B .... You are her husband! If she wants to work on your marriage...he needs to go...completely.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

im willing to bet my whole paycheck on the fact that maybe prince charming has taken the high road and now she finally realizes shes ****ed up bigtime it sucks ass when reality finally sets in doesnt it? im kind of slightly amused as sadistic as that sounds knowing theres some type of an underlying story here ans yes martino and kirkster i have read your posts over and over and over again and i take everything everyone says here very seriously im at the point where to me i will take the truth either way and i am prepared for what ever may happen but regardless of all the bull**** things my wife has done latley i think back to the day we took our wedding vows for better for worse in sickness and in health and think to my self what kind of a husband would i be if i walked away from everything when my wife needed me the most isnt love or being in love with someone unconditional no matter what? people make mistakes and some make very bad choices hence my wife but im not about to walk away asking myself for the rest of my life what if some things had be different in my life? ive walked away from things my entire life and it has gotten me no where why not take a stand here and prove to myself i can be a better person no matter what? i really do understnad what you guys are saying to me and i dont feel im blinding that by my love for my wife people sometimes have to fall on thier faces in life to learn and become better people in life im okay finacially at this point my son is well cared for but doesnt my son deserve a shot by having both parents in his life on a day to day basis? he sure as hell didnt ask for this to happen? so why should he suffer? im not dumb enough at this point to go all in. im smarter than that but i can sit back and watch everything unfold and go from there god teaches us to love unconditional and we all make mistakes you have to understand my wife has so much to lose from this she hasnt talked to her family in weeks her father is a decon of the church she risks losing me,her son,her marriage,her family,the support of the church you name it it all rolls down hill from here so you tell me who is going to lose the most from this situation not me im not the one on the chopping block right now so it wont hurt me one little bit to keep trying

thanks all for your time

CPT


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

and yes for the record i am a stubborn SOB lol i know most of you will read my most recent post and shake your heads but hey ive come to a point in my life where i feel i need to take a stand somwhere and it just so happens to be with this situation ah well i may get burnt but thast part of learning about lief isnt it? and also learning about ones self hope all is well with everyone and things are looking up for everyone going through tough times!


CPT


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

CPT,

Your point well taken, and we all are being arm chair generals in our advice here but at least stop being so available to her and let her know you are FED UP!!! and she needs to decide damn soon what she wants. If anything, she will respect you more. I saw it with a friend of mine, his ex was self centered, 3 kids, she started cheating, he tried and tried, did anything she asked. She left him anyways and won full custody and is a bull dog for payments that she doesn't spend on the kids. She told my friend's best friend that part of the reason she left him is that he has "no balls" that he took everything she did to him. Make her respect you.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I agree that she needs to respect you. Resentment builds when we feel we aren't respected.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

CPT what's new?


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low. 
The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. 
Find the person who will love you because of your differences and 
not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life. The heart has reasons that reason does not understand. Love is always bestowed as a gift -- 
freely, willingly, and without expectation.... 
We don't love to be loved; we love to love. 
Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

My only fear for you is that your willingness to forgive and forget will only show her that there is no consequence to her actions. But Christ himself said that Adultery or death are the only reason a couple should be parted. Like you said, she is isolated from you, from her family, from the church. If she only comes back because she has no financial or familial support. She may come back in bitterness which would only set you up for the next guy. Imagine how that would look to your son. Mommy is off with another guy. She needs to come back to you in contrition with tears of thankfulness for having the opportunity to try for reconciliation. I think right now the only message you're sending is that you will indulge her if she will only move back in with you. Right now she is thinking "I'll go back if things get to tough on my own. At least until something better comes along". That would be far worse then you divorcing her and finding a woman worth your love.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

i just wanted to let everyone know that i failed to metion that i have told my wife on many ocasions that i dont want her in my house until she straightens her szhit out she is not welcome here and that if she ever wants to get back together we both have alot to work on!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yet you have talks with her and watch movies with her. These are all mixed signals. She disrespects by not inviting you to your own sons birthday. She is out to deliberately hurt you. You need to be a stone. withdraw any support (don't be angry) emotional, financial. The problem is, is you are still a husband to her but she is not a wife to you. She has the best of both worlds. Emotional support from you. And sex from him. You need to file and have her served. Then it will be decision time for her. The fear you will have to deal with is her choosing him.
I don't think you can win her back if she doesn't respect you.

I know this is harsh. but maybe harsh is what you both need.


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## Now What (Dec 17, 2008)

I didn't read the whole thread but bits and pieces. People really don't know what they have until it's gone. Unfortunaely when children are involved and the child means the world to the man women will use the children to their advantage. This should really be a crime. As far as child support if you have the child in your home for 6 months out of the year she should be paying you child support and of course you claim the child on your taxes. I take my hat off to you trying to make the marriage work. Marriage is tough but there is nothing you can't get through if both of you are willing to work at it. From what I read sounds like you are really in love with your wife. I don't know if you are dating right now but that's neither here nor there. It's almost sad to say but women or men want what someone else have. Meaning you don't have to date but if the situation ever permits make her think there are women who are interested in dating you. It's almost like game playing unfortuanely and I know no one have time for games but it's like you almost have to not make this separation about her right now. She'll be back the grass is not greener on the other side and you never know what you have until its gone. Keep the faith and if it's meant to be it will be.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"Right now she is thinking "I'll go back if things get to tough on my own. At least until something better comes along". That would be far worse then you divorcing her and finding a woman worth your love."


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## mclovin (Nov 18, 2008)

CPT CONFUSED said:


> saying that we can work on our relationship but that thing will take time but i feel thats an excuse to continue to have this outside relationship but keep me on the burner if things dont work out with this *******


BINGO! She's keeping the hope alive with you because she has doubts about the other guy. She's playing you both. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. You have tried and in reading your posts really been calm about all that is going on. But she is leading you on just so she has you as a backup. Don't be manipulated dude! 

Here's the deal. Love doesn't play games. If you have to wonder what she really means or what her actions really mean, then your falling into her game. If she loves you and I mean real love, then she would just say it, not play around by giving you hints or trying on her ring in front of you. That's just crap and you deserve better. Sounds like your a nice guy, just trying to hand on, but at some point you have to withdraw and focus on yourself and your son. If she is truly interested in you, then she'll first start by maybe apologizing or trying to talk to you about what happened between you. She'll probably offer some type of solutions or ways for you two to get back together or at least ask your opinion. From what I'm reading she isn't doing any of this. It's just playing with your mind and your emotions.

The part about throwing the party and not inviting you is also completely selfish and hurtful on your part. This other guy is nothing to your son and you are the father. Again, she isn't taking into acount your feeling at all, just setting you up as her backup.

I wish you the best. Hang in there.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

well it has been about a month since i posted last and i wanted to share the things that have been going on with me. for the last month i have completley withdrew my self in every fashion form my wife. just withen in the last two days i finally got the confesion of the affair out of my wife she hugged me dearly and apoligized for it. she really has been paying attetion to my feelings as of late and really making sure that my opions matter im lost right now and looking for my next step in this situation any advice would be great once again guys thanks for sharing your thoughts!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cpt. I just read your first post. I don't know if you know the statistics of divorce of parents of autistic children. IT'S 80%. Those statistics are even higher on second marriages. I suggest that you sit her down and let her know about this. And ask her if our marriage has 2 strikes against it (one, your son's autism. two, your wife's infidelity) because of whats happened. Just how many guys who are not the father of our son is going to accept and love him. The truth is few. How many are going to take a chance with a wife who cheats too.

Women aren't great with logic. So you have to spell it out for her. There is a good chance if she leaves or you divorce her that she will be in and out of meaningless affairs for the rest of her life. Ask her does she really want to leave the man who loves her for a life like that? "We need to be there for each other to love and support one another. BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH BETTER THEN ME.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hi Initfortheduration yes im aware of the statistics of married couples with autisic children i have even metioned the divorce rate with her a number of times. but as far as having 2 strikes against me. ive lived my whole life stepping into the batters box with an 0-2 count. thats why i can look at everything from a different perspective than most. i live life day to day and take the good with the bad most say i have a very glasslike stare and reaction to everything. thing is when youve gone through as much as i have in my life not much really rattles my cage anymore. i dont know maybe thats why i can be perceived as very unemotional sometimes. thing is i take everything at face value. for what its worth maybe over the years ive given myself a heart of stone and never realized it untill now? hope all is well with everyone

CPT


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm sorry Cpt. I wasn't talking about the strikes being against you. The strikes are against your wife. Of finding another man who will take her and your son on.

Have you ever written her a letter to tell her how you feel about her? How much you love her? What your hopes are for your future together? Do you praise her and try to build up her self esteem? Do you tell he she is your world? Sometimes expressing feelings are difficult. And often looked down on by other men. Happy to say I'm not that way.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

well all 2009 is just a few hours away. hope all is well with everyone and that everyone gets all that they hope for in the new year! many happy regards!


CPT


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

well guys i finally came to a breaking point last night. wife had been over the other night admited to what she had done. and said she was sorry and gave me a hug. i asked does that mean all physical contact with him is going to stop? she said yes. and she left well i dropped my son off to her house yesterday only to see the other guy parked down the street. hes not to bright either. and i backed off and followed them they had gone to a local resteraunt with my son for dinner. so yet again im still being lied too. funny thing is i know at this point that after four months that if she is still playing both of us prince charming cant be all the great or i would have been toast by now. so i called her bluff last night told her im not going to allow her to treat me like **** anymore. and that she needed to chose either me or him. she said now you want me to choose between my friends? i said no i want you to choose between your husband and your family or your boyfriend thats what i want you to choose from. and i also said you call me your friend im not your friend because friends dont treat each other like this. i said **** with friends like you who needs any enemys! and i walked out. i have given her too today to aswer my question about myself or the other man. twice today she has called me in regards to my son wanting to speak to me but on niether ocassion has ever made referance to what i asked her. wonder if she is really thinking now? i feel i just got some of the power back in the situation that i so well deserve at this point. i have been very considerate up until this point. and i am now putting my foot down!



CPT


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## mclovin (Nov 18, 2008)

The real question is are you prepared for what might happen if she doesn't choose you? I run through the same things about "putting my foot down" but just like me you have to be ready to accept the possibility that she'll pick the other dude. It's closure in one way so you don't have to keep getting hurt. But it's hard and hurtful to not get what you want, which is your wife and family back. 

I pray for you and hope everthing works out. You've been trying, much like most of us on these boards. At somepoint though you can't do much more and have to move on. Hopefully she'll realize what she has in you, but if she doesn't keep posting and we'll all be here to help support you and get you through this.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

thanks mclovin and yes i am fully prepeared for the answer of i dont want to be with you anymore. but at that point it wont be my loss it will be hers. im not the one continuing to tarnish the relationship at this point. i have faced my demons these past four months and know i will survive in the end. my focus is my sweet unknowing son he is the most important thing through all this. he will someday ask when older daddy what happened with you and mommy and i will be able to be honest with him and myself at that point good luck with everything my friend i was you the best!



CPT


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think you are doing the right thing cpt. You and mclovins wives are deep in the fog. You're going to be hard line (not mean) just not available. No shoulder to cry on. Speak about kids and finances only. You will find that when you stop chasing them (if there is any love left). They start questioning "whats wrong with me? Why isn't he chasing me anymore. Could he live without me? What if he doesn't love me anymore?" Let them start asking the hard questions to themselves." You guys have quit being Mr. Needy. Give them nothing! Its called a 180.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cpt. You can expect her to come around being nice (she will throw you a bone) and give you hope again, to see if she can get you in line, so she can continue being a cake eater. Be aware and don't fall for it.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

so if you have been following my wonderful trip these last four months. or should i say trainwreck. i recently got a mild form of some type of confession from my wife. about her having an affair. and i also told her that if we were to ever get back together at this point that she would have to remove the other guy from her life forever i gave the ultimatium 2 days ago and have yet to receive an answer. ive asked my wife to have a conversation with me in regards to what she would like to do about our marriage.i highly beleive that everyone makes mistakes,and that everyone who can show remorse for things they have done should be given a second chance. i did this for two reasons my own sanity for one,and to also remove myself from this twisted love triangle. im so at a loss for words right now.wife has said that maybe we can continue to talk and also said after admitting to the affair that divorce paper work has not been filed on her behalf and that she is no longer mad at me. just very mad at the situation at hand im just wondering how i shuold react in regards to the ultimatium i handed out. sholud i back off and let her answer me when she ready.? or should i really push the issue with her? now remember we may also be dealing with some issues of PPD here also due to a recent misscarrige so im lost as to how to pursue the currant situation? she had also said at one point if we ever moved back in with each other or she went and got her own apartment i really honestly think that sure is not quite sure what she wants right now also?





CPT


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

In my opinion she will eat cake as long as you allow her to. Its been four months of you chasing her, and pleading for her to come back. Just look at the title of your thread. The fact is that she doesn't have to do anything. At least that is what you have shown her. You say you want to give her another chance. Well she hasn't had to use that "get out of jail free card" yet. And as long as you refuse to hold her accountable, she doesn't have to. She has your love. And him in her bed. Your previous post said that you gave her an ultimatum, you or him and the answer in 24 hours. She called your bluff and now you're asking if you should contact her again. Will that convince her how much you mean what you say? by moving your line in the sand back. I'm sure this hard to read and even harder to live with. I guess you take it till you can't take it. Best of luck.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Sorry again all this is happening to you. With that said......I'm saying again to you MAN THE F UP!! You are losing each and every day your your self-esteem and pride. She is not going to come running back to you begging to take her back. She has made her decision known to you each and every day for the last 4 months. Even if she did decide you were a better option for her than this other guy you would be back here in a few months/years in the very same position when the next flovor of the month rolls around. You have proven to her that she can do whatever she wants and you will allow it if she comes back. She has lost all respect for you and even if she did come back her character flaws are hers and not going away. I'm sorry but you are allowing yourself to be played in the hope that there is a light at the end of your current tunnel. There is......it just is not going to include her! Tough love my man but the only thing worse than being in a toxic relationship is staying in it when you need to end it/heal/and move on. For your sake and your son's you need to end it,deal with the pain,and move on. The fat lady is singing I beg you to listen. Oh, and as for the I'll give you 2 days to answer my ultimatem thing and whether you should extend it...........Please man the second another man set foot in your wife she should get a 1 second ultimatem. 4 months......good God. YOU DESERVE BETTER,SHE DESERVES WHATEVER SEWER SHE MAY END UP IN. It is no longer your problem to try and "save" her from herself she lost that privelage when she chose to rub your nose in the stink of her continued affair. Case closed!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Yep again I agree with Kirkster. CPT you made your ultimatum and she's still playing games with you. If you and her do work it out I would guess that she will do this again. PPD or not your "wife" is cold and heart less. The birthday would have done it for me. Too bad for your son, kids with autism need every bit of support they can get. I would serve her with papers immediately so she knows you mean your words. Or continue swimming in her toilet bowl.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

thing is martino she already has been served she refused to sigh the ****en thing. i feel like a pawn in a really ****ty game of chess.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

When she asks if you really want her to sign it. Tell her If I have the choice of you being married to me and screwing him or being not married to me and screwing him. I pick not being married to me.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

You have finally stated what is your biggest problem here. When you say you feel like a "pawn" you are acting like a helpless victim. You are a victim only to what your "wife" did on day one, from then on you had a choice to make. YOU are in complete control of your situation. YOU choose to let her play you. You choose to let her emasculate you. YOU choose to believe that there is some force (PPD,the other man,etc) that is causing her to betray and destroy your marriage. YOU are allowing your heart and frankly ego to give you some false sense of hope to resurect a relationship that has no hope of succeding long term. Dude end the drama now! You do not need to have her sign the papers. You file them and she either shows up to court or not either way you are out of this horribly destructive(both to you and you child) situation. If you need any proof of this send your story to Jerry Springer and watch how fast they beg you two...(ooops I mean 3 cause the other guy is who they will ring the bell for so you two can come to blows) of you to come to chicago to tape a show. I freaking know this hurts/sucks/embarrases/enrages you and honestly sympathize but, its time to get sane get a lawyer and get her out of you life. You will need to find a co-parenting plan that works although frankly you should sue for full custody as I would not let that woman near my cat. She has a bad character and poor judgement. Not the kind of things you want your child learning. Sorry Dude........but you need to hear this!!


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

So if anyone has any similar story...How long did you hang in there? What were the results? and again...IS THERE HOPE?

not to sound like an ******* but these words were takin from someone elses post see the thing that gets me is everyone can be an armchair general and say what they like about anyone situation and say you should do a,b,or c however every situation is different. and no one knows just how they would ever handle any others situation. until they are wearing that persons shoes. not ungreatful about anyones suggestions here by any means but how you,i or the pope handle are indisgressions are all up to us. i came here not to be badgered about the choices i make and have people slam **** down my throat. however i came here in hopes that i may learn from others hoping to better myself for the things i did wrong with my relationship. however what ever i type is far from a full synopsis of the situation now isnt it? you only hear what i share or can remember at the time due to having my head up my ass through all of this wonder what many of you might think if my wife posted here also and we all heard her side of the story?? well i guess since society is really keen on basing dicesions on what we hear it really doesnt matter what she would have to say anyway right?? ive heard many things here about your wife this your wife that...etc.... this doesnt look right etc... jesus dont you guys know i realize that? i dont need anyone to tell me what they would do i know what i want to do and i guess thats all that matters all im looking for is the best way to go about it and thats all....thanks all for your time ...


CPT


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Yep, I did post the Is There Hope and guess what, I took the advice of others, got my butt off the couch, lost 40lbs in 3 months, went to couples counseling, reconnected with my beautiful wife and we are in a great place. The difference is that before there was an affair my wife came to me with her feelings and we decided to do all possible to save our marriage. This showed a maturity and commitment that is not the case in your situation. You are the hero in your relationship, and I mean that in the best possible way. You have endured more than anyone should and for that bravo, but no matter what her side of the story is SHE broke the vow she took and is not remorseful in any true way. I don't think anyone is bashing you in any way. Its just so hard to make the tough but necessary decisions when you are in the midst of an emotional crisis. Sometimes it takes an outsiders view to break through the pain and see the situation without the emotions getting in the way. You sound like a quality person and I think we just all wish that you could see that you have already endured enough. You are correct that we all make mistakes. It is how we deal with them that shows if we have learned from them. When you discovered the affair and confronted her with it that was her time to be the hero. She has failed for 4 months. She has continued to see him, lie to you, introduce your son to the drama. That's long enough my good man. Its time, don't you think? I wish that none of this happened to you. No one deserves to be going through what you are dealing with and will be dealing with. I wish for you peace,love and strength!


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

well i guess im the only one who can pull the plug here correct? when i feel i have had enough i will do just that. i have no what ifs about anything in the back of my head either way. so when my will has been broken and i cant take anymore i will hammer home all of what you guys have said to me.. but that will be only when im ready to do so.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

CPT CONFUSED said:


> well i guess im the only one who can pull the plug here correct? when i feel i have had enough i will do just that. i have no what ifs about anything in the back of my head either way. so when my will has been broken and i cant take anymore i will hammer home all of what you guys have said to me.. but that will be only when im ready to do so.


Yup its so true I to hold the key to our future and opening the door to more or locking the door for the ending. But from your quote and BTW I love that quote."Instead of waiting for the storm to pass dance in the rain" It looks like you are wanting to and keep moving forward!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cpt. What most people here are doing is holding you accountable for the things you say. You say one thing, make a decision, convey that decision to your wife, wait for her response, and then change your decision based on what she does. You describe yourself as a pawn. Because your wife won't sign the divorce. Why should she? You are still chasing her. I mean breaking contact with her should have been done when she was served. She doesn't think you mean what you say. And....you don't. That's OK but you can't really complain about the outcome. its your life.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

CPT. Your rant above was pretty childish don't you think? cmon man you are grown adult and we all are. I've spent my time reading your situation and offering input for that drivel??? cmon CPT wake up man! We know what heart breaks are all about, we know that you have developmentally disabled child involved. We know that a divorce will be ugly. After all the nasty things you've told us that she's done do you want us to tell you to hang in there? hang in there and see how low you can be dragged down by her. I'm not wasting any more of my time on your situation. Your soon to be ex has destroyed your family, your marriage, and every ounce of your own self worth.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

i fully understand what you mean about breaking contact with her i do. but its kind of hard to do when there is a child involved. that has to be brought to school. taken back and forth between two houses. drs appointments etc... how do i get away without my son being the one who suffers?


CPT


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Your son will suffer what you let him suffer keep your son out of the disfunction. He needs nothing to do with that. And if she acts like a child take her to court and fight for your son so he grows up with a normal life.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I understand that you have to make arrangements for your son. But contact should be limited to talking about him. You don't ask her how she is doing. You don't offer any information about yourself or what you are doing. She is no longer entitled to know. Express no feelings to her except one of confidence. No more Mr. Needy. If you would try going N/C with her it may change the dynamic. In your years of experience, are you not aware when one pulls away the other chases. You have chased her long enough. Unless you want to add a few more months to the 4 you have already spent trying to get her back. But of course this my opinion and as always take it or leave it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

+1,000,000 this statement below is so obviously right on it's surreal.



Initfortheduration said:


> I understand that you have to make arrangements for your son. But contact should be limited to talking about him. You don't ask her how she is doing. You don't offer any information about yourself or what you are doing. She is no longer entitled to know. Express no feelings to her except one of confidence. No more Mr. Needy. If you would try going N/C with her it may change the dynamic. In your years of experience, are you not aware when one pulls away the other chases. You have chased her long enough. Unless you want to add a few more months to the 4 you have already spent trying to get her back. But of course this my opinion and as always take it or leave it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

this is the best list of dealing with a spouse in the fog I have found.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

I want to see you succeed in this situation, however it turns out. These are steps that have proved successful time and again. You have basically done the complete opposite of these suggestions. If you want to change the outcome. Change what you are doing.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> In your years of experience, are you not aware when one pulls away the other chases. You have chased her long enough. Unless you want to add a few more months to the 4 you have already spent trying to get her back. But of course this my opinion and as always take it or leave it.


Few people except charmers and manipulators understand this principle. You can't push people towards you, but you *can* create a vacuum that pulls them in. That vacuum is created simply by giving them more space than they are asking for.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I'm doing a backflip at these last two posts as they are a good reminder for me if I ever need them. :smthumbup:


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

Do you have a perfect marriage? Let me ask you this; are you a perfect husband? Are you a
perfect wife? In Matthew 5:48 we read, “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father
is perfect.” This statement of Jesus comes within the context of what is known as the Sermon on
the Mount, in which He has just outlined in verses 43-44 the expectation of God the Father that
His children not simply love our neighbors and those who love us, but we are to love our enemies
as well. Jesus says in verse 46, “For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do
not even the tax-gatherers do the same?”
The implied truth here is that God can enable us to accomplish these things, to love even the
unlovely. Now, if God can give us the ability to seek the best interest of people with whom we have
no natural attraction, how much more will He enable us to seek the best interest of those we love
who may irritate, annoy or offend us at times? God Himself is the standard we are to follow.
As disciples or followers of Christ, we must identify ourselves with God’s interests in other people
and that includes our spouse. I am called of God to love him as Christ has loved me. To express
Christian character is not simply doing good deeds. It is displaying God-likeness. What is to be
seen in me is Christ-likeness, not merely a “good human being.” The goal is not even to be godly
or to be “god-like” in my actions but to get to the point that they don’t even see me but see God.
This is to be accomplished in the ordinary things of life and living in relationship with others. (i.e.
my spouse) When faced with the ordinary things of life or when we are faced with the crises of life,
a perfect husband does not become self-centered. A perfect wife does not become self-centered.
They are God-centered and God-controlled. God will give us ample opportunities in actual life to
prove whether we are perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect. As disciples we must deliberately
identify ourselves with God’s interests in other people. “That you love one another, as I have loved
you . . .”


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So basically you are going to be Hosea. Who God used to show how he felt about Israels whoring after other Gods. You are prepared to dutifully follow your wife around pick her up, clean her up and be the example of how God comes after her (Israel) and shows how much he loves her, and how he forgives her over and over again. Is this what you are trying to example. So then your goal is to allow her to remain a cheating, lying, faithless wife so you can show how holy you are? In other words, you are willing to let her remain in this affair (even when you know it is not God honoring), when there are obviously methods you have not tried. I guess then I have to ask..... What is your goal here? I would be happy to no longer offer advice, if you are trying to prove something to God. Why would I want to stand in your way of being holy?


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

hi good morning Initfortheduration i cant help but notice how familiar this sounds like my wife. i know your trying to help and believe me i do hear everything you are saying to me and i respect that. im just having a very hard time trying to gather myself through all this. see my wife is staying at my sister in laws house. so it was a very easy out for her however i also beleive my wife would have never left if my sister in law hadn't offered a place as an easy out. mclovin and myself have very similar situations here. should i also turn into a **** and take control here?. i know my wife very well and i know she doesnt want this marriage to end or it would have been over by now. we have here 4 months of back and forth head butting going on but neither one if us will take the bull by the horns. my wife affair is just a very horrible senario that just happened im sure because it was played out and pushed by my sister in law who hates me with a passion. i feel she pulling my wifes strings like a puppet and has total control of her now. i know this would have never happened. if we would have been left to deal with our own problems and i do honestly beleive that.


CPT






Your wife has a big mouth and very little self control. She is a well of bitterness. And she hates herself. She doesn't hate you. She hates that you can't fix her, or make her happy. Notice how she is always asking you what you want her to do. CRUSH THE PHONE. She figures if she doesn't have you. She has Tom. She says she hates you. As I have said. Hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is. If she did not want to be there she would have left already. She could live anywhere and still see your son. I wish I could come out there and sit down with the two of you. Either that or bang your heads together. There is no leader in your home. You both are waiting for the other to make the first move. Neither of you wants to divorce or separate. She wants you to lead. Again, crush the phone and cut off your house phone. Let her buy a pay as you go. Hell if you have to crush the F-ing computer too. How long do you intend to put your son through this? Can you get your wife to join this site?


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Oh, now it all makes sense. It is the sister-in-laws fault. Totally understandable. Not your wifes fault at all. We all missed that part. COME ON!! You can continue to blame everything under the sun and continue to believe that all these excuses are why your wife is having sex with another man and why she will not divorce you but YOU are letting it happen. Why would she divorce you. She can do whatever,whoever she wants and always have you as a fall-back. This has become pathetic and sad. I wish you well and its time to stop this thread as you have made your decision to be a doormat. Good luck to you and goodbye!


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