# Freaked Out!



## LuciLoo (Jul 1, 2011)

Hi,

I'm here because I need advice. I have known my husband for 9 years. When we first started dating he was a sweetheart. When we first started living together he started to become a jerk. He wouldn't do any housework, even though I worked a full-time job just like him. When I confronted him about it he would apologize and say he was lazy and couldn't help it. It is a lot of work- he doesn't even pick up after him self. It got to the point where I realized he wasn't going to change and I decided I loved him enough to deal with that short-coming. We got married. I was always a point of grudgery on my part about the housework. If I came home from work late on a day he was off and there as a mess in the house and I had to clean it I'd be pissed. But I always go t over it and he has other good points. 

We decided to buy a house. He told me before we bought the house that he would take on the laundry chore if we got a washing machine. He just didn't like the ones at the apartment because they didn't work well. He doesn't do the laundry. After a year here I have begun to just completely burnt out taking care of the house and working and commuting further than I used to so I decided to stop doing his laundry. He has been angry about it but hasn't talked about it much. 

Tonight we both got drunk and spoke our minds to each other. He told me he would take the internet modem and smash it if I didn't start doing his laundry again. I operate an internet business on the side so that would be bad for me. I don't know that he would actually do it but that he would threaten to bothers me a lot. I though "he was lazy and couldn't help it" not that he actually was a chauvinist and though woman should just do all the housework. He said he sees me on the internet every night and I could be spending that time doing his laundry. We come home from work and he goes on the Xbox right away and relaxes all night. I come home and clean and then miss out on sleep to have a little time to myself - or time to spend on my business which would ultimately help us both once it starts bringing in more money.

I'm just freaked out because I really didn't know he thought that way. Seriously. If he got hurt or something happened to him I would wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his life and not hold it against him- but he is completely capable. When I am sick he does nothing for me. 

I am afraid he doesn't love me and he is keeping me around to take care of him and have sex with him and pay half the bills. I can deal with lazy, but if he actually believes I should be doing all this for him I am scarred. I really didn't think he thought like that, I thought he was depressed and unmotivated. What do I do? Should I consider leaving him. I didn't marry him to be his maid. 

Advice is appreciated.

Thanks


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

He is spoiled now, gonna be hard changing him. Do you still love him? How is the communication between you two when sober? How do you think you ould feel if he wasn't there?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Fu(k that ****! I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior, ever. Tell him to get off his lazy ass and help around the house. What happens if you have children? Things are only going to get a whole lot worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuciLoo (Jul 1, 2011)

I still love him, but the more I feel taken advantage of the harder it is to love him. Tonight I feel like I have been punched in the gut though. I didn't know he was that unappreciative of me. We communicate well enough, but we are both polite people and try to avoid arguments even if it means pacifying each other. When I try to talk about the housework issue he usually clams up and stops talking or leaves the room.

I feel really hurt and unloved tonight though. It makes me realize how much I do still love him to be this hurt thinking he doesn't love me.


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## LuciLoo (Jul 1, 2011)

oh I already told him we're not having kids because of the housework issue


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, your husband sounds like a lazy, selfish man who has been enabled to some degree by you not pushing the issue. He likely thinks he gets a pass on all of it.

If two people are sharing a household, and both of them are working and providing for that household, then chores needs to be shared. Draw up a list of chores, sit down together, and split them up. If he doesn't do his share of the chores, then he can begin to cook for himself, clean after himself, and do his own laundry. Anything else is just enabling him. If he smashes your modem (which you use for a legitimate business purpose), then I would ensure that his xbox was gone when he got home one day. 

Stand up for yourself. He is taking advantage of you, and that isn't what someone who truly loves you would do. And, I agree that it is wise to defer having children with him until you can get the situation resolved. It appears that you already have a child in the family.


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## LuciLoo (Jul 1, 2011)

Thank you for the support. Your are right.


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## LuciLoo (Jul 1, 2011)

That is kind of the direction I was going in. We talked about splitting up the chores. The only thing he is willing to do is mow the lawn once every 2-3 weeks and change the oil on the cars - and do laundry but he doesn't do that. He downright refuses to do any house chores. So I stopped doing his laundry. And now he is threatening me? I mean seriously, I have given him every benefit of the doubt about why he doesn't do stuff- maybe he is depressed, maybe cleanliness just isn't important to him, whatever, I have tried countless times to talk about it and he refuses to discuss it until last night when he expresses that he just feels that I should be doing these things for him as his wife.

I never thought it was a big enough issue to leave him over, but when he starts threatening me (even if it is just my stuff he is threatening) it becomes apparent what kind of a person he is. I know sober he wouldn't have said those things, but now I know he has been thinking them. 

How can I stay with someone who thinks like that? Maybe he was drunk and said things he didn't mean. I don't know. I am so confused. He just called me from work to apologize for what he said, but that doesn't mean the behavior is going to change. I feel manipulated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Him threatening to trash your things is EXTREMELY immature. What a child. You need to have a sit down and tell him how you REALLY feel. He is capable and can do his own damn laundry. What a little boy.

Get couples counselling before this boils over into full resentment.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LuciLoo said:


> That is kind of the direction I was going in. We talked about splitting up the chores. The only thing he is willing to do is mow the lawn once every 2-3 weeks and change the oil on the cars - and do laundry but he doesn't do that. He downright refuses to do any house chores. So I stopped doing his laundry. And now he is threatening me? I mean seriously, I have given him every benefit of the doubt about why he doesn't do stuff- maybe he is depressed, maybe cleanliness just isn't important to him, whatever, I have tried countless times to talk about it and he refuses to discuss it until last night when he expresses that he just feels that I should be doing these things for him as his wife.
> 
> I never thought it was a big enough issue to leave him over, but when he starts threatening me (even if it is just my stuff he is threatening) it becomes apparent what kind of a person he is. I know sober he wouldn't have said those things, but now I know he has been thinking them.
> 
> How can I stay with someone who thinks like that? Maybe he was drunk and said things he didn't mean. I don't know. I am so confused. He just called me from work to apologize for what he said, but that doesn't mean the behavior is going to change. I feel manipulated.


He also has responsibilities to you as your husband. Mowing the grass every couple of weeks and changing the oil in the cars every blue moon while sitting and playing Xbox the rest of the time just doesn't cut it. He has a responsibility as head of household to ensure that his wife has what she needs to feel loved and cheristed by him.

I think you need to have a very direct, but non-confrontational, discussion with him about how you feel and discuss what you two can do to work it out together. He acts like what he wants is a mom to take care of him, not a wife to stand beside him.

Godspeed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> *He has a responsibility as head of household to ensure that his wife has what she needs to feel loved and cheristed by him.*


:iagree:

I think a lot of men forget this as time goes on in a relationship. Not all of them of course, but women are VERY tied into their emotions and want to feel loved and appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ask him who's going to do his laundry and keep the house clean when you're gone...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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