# What to do next



## bs101 (May 10, 2014)

Hi all. I will try to keep the background story brief. Early January notice a change in wife's behaviour. Colder more distant. She used the classic I love you but am not in love with you, and proceeded to list all the problems she had with me (all new to me). I set about proving that I could change (a good plan A).

In late February I discovered emails that showed she had been having an affair since at least early January. I confronted and exposed to everyone I could. She agreed to cut off all contact and I asked she tell me if he contacted her. She continued lying and was furious at the same time as she thought the exposure was controlling and an attack on her. I confronted her about the fact she had changed her passcode on her phone, she admitted to still being in touch with him. I asked her again to let me know if he contacted her.

Things turned far nastier. She started making blaming me for even more things and telling all her friends lies about me. I tried to continue to plan A for about another 4 weeks. I then discovered she was still lying, deleting texts on her phone and also meeting up with him. I asked her to leave (in hindsight a mistake I think), left it a few weeks and then made it clear that I was willing to work on the marriage as long as she ended the affair.

She has moved quite far away from all her friends, I suspect so she can carry on the affair in privacy.

Today she has contacted me with the following letter:


"I feel the time is right to contact you with regards to us 

I have thought long and hard about our relationship and cannot see a way to resolve it and moving forward.

I know this will require a legal element and have instructed a solicitor to act on my behalf."

My question is, I hold out little hope now for reconciliation but I want to try to do the best I can to improve myself and learn from this experience. Can anyone advise me what I can do next?


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Focus on you! You kicked her out, that wasn't a mistake! You were standing up for yourself and not tolerating her blatant disregard to you and your feelings. 

Do the 180, and go NC. Work on yourself, workout, eat and sleep well, find new hobbies or resume old ones that you used to enjoy.

It always helps me to focus on the negative aspects, especially when the good memories take over and I get sad. Just remind yourself that she was the one who chose to break your vows and go outside of the marriage.. And one day, she's going to figure out that the grass isn't greener.

It will get easier, eventually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

She's the one lying and cheating. Let her go. She can't stop texting, contacting, and lying to you. She doesn't respect you at all. Let her go. It will be better in the end.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bs101 said:


> I know this will require a legal element and have instructed a solicitor to act on my behalf."


Get you own lawyer. ASAP. She's way ahead of you, gaslighting and setting up friends, the secretiveness, the lies, now the lawyer. All planned and coldly executed.

NC, lawyer, filing ASAP. 

Let her go.

BTW, if this POSOM still has a SO/GF/Wife tell her ASAP, don' let her be as blinsided as you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who is the OM (other man)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bs101 (May 10, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies.

Other man was a builder who was doing work next door. He did have a gf but split up with her before I found out and although I have tried I have not been able to track her down, I did however expose to his family, clients and friends and I confronted him and asked him to stop, he refused.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

My H has been doing the same things as your W, texting and lying, covering up a secret life. You got lucky to catch on so quickly, it saves a lot of heartache!

Definitely speak to a lawyer, and figure out what your next move is.

If she's already moved out, and you've exposed the OM.. The best you can do right now is take care of yourself and protect yourself!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You must show your wife how confident you are in letting her go, so kicking her out not only showed her that you command respect but it also raised your sexual rank by being strong enough in not tolerating her bull crap and being able to find someone else.

Never beg for this marriage and never cry in front of her. Chicks dig confident guys and people want what they can't have, so keep your distance and then maybe she will start to think twice in what she is losing .

Keep making the affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible but keep your distance by using the 180.

In time she will surely start to second guess her choices now that she is no longer your problem , but now she is the OM problem.

Soon her fantasy fog will fall apart and she will regret this...by then you will be long gone and it will be to late for her to come back. This is so common you don't even know. See the thing is the wayward is so blinded that they just don't see.

So the sooner you just let her go the sooner she will see her new reality.

Stay strong brother... Went thru the same crap 4 yrs ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

All the advice above is excellent, and I think in your heart you know it. 

I get the feeling from her brief note that she's waiting for you to beg her to return. DON'T DO IT. 

By her actions she's proved to you time and again that she's a liar and a cheater. Is that who you want in your life? Someone you can never trust again? 

How long y'all been married? Any kids? 

Make a life for yourself. Read some books to better yourself. Start with "No More Mr Nice Guy".


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## bs101 (May 10, 2014)

Hi, thanks its good to hear that you think I am doing the right thing. We were together for 10 years married for 3.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yep. Kick the dust off your sandals and move up to a better woman. Get a lawyer on board.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bs101 said:


> Hi, thanks its good to hear that you think I am doing the right thing. We were together for 10 years married for 3.


Put the pos on cheaterville so when they google his name his business comes up too.
You have done well so far.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

The Guy is 100% correct. Soon she will 2nd guess her ideas, judgement and life. Give it time. 
You must be completely inconsistent, and unpredictable in your behaviors. 

The guy.....did you R your marriage from 4 years ago???


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Great advice so far...so I'll just say you NEED to stick to your plan. No more working on marriage. Take any money in joint accounts and stash cash. Hopefully she did not get to it first. Get a shark lawyer. 

Lastly; let her go. You seem like a great catch for a loyal woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

To add: What she did/doing is classic cheaters script. Blame you, lie, basically have you the ILYBNILWY speech. 

And you followed the way a lot of unsuspecting husbands do. That's ok because it was normal but you smartened up. And got in here. 


She most likely is having sex with him, so once you start disengaging and show her your moving on she may, and I say may try to snake you back with sex. Don't fall for it. I have heard of women getting HIV from OM and giving it to husbands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bs101 (May 10, 2014)

Any ideas on how I should reply to her letter?


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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

bs101 said:


> Any ideas on how I should reply to her letter?


Have her served at work with divorce papers.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

easysolution said:


> Have her served at work with divorce papers.


:iagree: Absolutely. The next contact she has with you should be in the form of your solicitor serving her with divorce papers.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> :iagree: Absolutely. The next contact she has with you should be in the form of your solicitor serving her with divorce papers.


Yes I agree....BS101-do you not see how she's manipulating you?

Stop being "Mr.Nice Guy" it does not work.
Reply to the letter she wrote by telling her to F**K *FF and go to hell.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What to do next.
1). Make sure all exposure has proof.
2). Destroy OM reputation.
3). Replace her with non defective model after you heal.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello bs101 and sorry you are here.

My comments:


You may not feel it now, but you are lucky that you found out what she is really like now before you had kids and wasted another 10 years of your life. She is a liar and a cheater. Be glad that she is gone. You did the right thing to kick her out.

Do not respond to her letter. Instead try and have her served with divorce papers before she does. It will give you a little bit of a psychological and also tactical advantage. Get your finances in order and change the locks on your doors etc.

Keep any proof that you have of infidelity etc. It may come in handy later. I suspect she is going for a clean break.

Destroy the builder POS if you can from a work and clients perspectively as much as possible. Post him (and her) on CV and PM us the link(s) and we will drive the count up. This will show up on Google whenever anyone does a search on them.

Make sure family and friends know your side of the story too.

Go, go, go - full steam ahead with the divorce and "thanking of lucky stars".


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bs101 said:


> I set about proving that I could change (a good plan A).


I don't agree that putting it all on you is a good plan. I knew from the first sentence that she was having an affair, in which case being "mr nice guy to win her back" isn't going to have the desired effect, in fact it will do the reverse. 



bs101 said:


> She agreed to cut off all contact and I asked she tell me if he contacted her. She continued lying and was furious at the same time as she thought the exposure was controlling and an attack on her. I confronted her about the fact she had changed her passcode on her phone, she admitted to still being in touch with him. I asked her again to let me know if he contacted her.


Why the heck would you ask her AGAIN to let you know if he contacted her since she lied to you the first time you asked her to do the very same thing? 



bs101 said:


> I asked her to leave (in hindsight a mistake I think),


This was probably the first thing you did right.



bs101 said:


> left it a few weeks and then made it clear that I was willing to work on the marriage as long as she ended the affair.


Followed by yet another mistake. 



bs101 said:


> I know this will require a legal element and have instructed a solicitor to act on my behalf."
> 
> My question is, I hold out little hope now for reconciliation but I want to try to do the best I can to improve myself and learn from this experience. Can anyone advise me what I can do next?


Get an attorney and file a response. Protect your ASSets.

Filing for divorce is the only option available to you. As someone else suggested, better for you to file first. Ironically it's the only thing that might get her to rethink the whole thing and even consider reconciliation.



bs101 said:


> I confronted him and asked him to stop, he refused.


"Excuse me Mr. OM. My wife is screwing around with you and I want her back, I've asked her to stop screwing you but she won't listen to me so would you please stop screwing her because, well she's my wife!"

"Sorry dude I'm going to keep right on banging her".

Ouch.

As arrogant as he is, he's really not the problem. He wouldn't be screwing your wife if she wasn't happy to open her legs for him. Think about that as you file that divorce petition.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Don't reply to the letter at all.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Put him on cheaterville.com then send them the link. This will show some of his clients that google his record what he is capable of. 

Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER at amazon.com. You can download it. Some of what you will read there will hurt but it will make you a much better man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

File divorce as fast as you can. Give her nothing you do not have to. Men try to be nice and it has the opposite effect. It just fills them with contempt. Women respect strength.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Any ideas on how I should reply to her letter?"

Send her D papers...that's the perfect answer.

Then re-expose to everyone that you are filing D, despite having been willing to try R, because she has continued to lie and pursue the A.

I would also consider posting POS on some work review site like Angie's List as well. Let his potential future customers know that he is a worthless piece of trash who tries to seduce married women while on the job.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Fordsvt said:


> The Guy is 100% correct. Soon she will 2nd guess her ideas, judgement and life. Give it time.
> You must be completely inconsistent, and unpredictable in your behaviors.
> 
> The guy.....did you R your marriage from 4 years ago???


I didn't R, but Mrs. The guy did...lol

Seriously me and my old lady went thru so much crap we owed it to each other to stop phucking around, get our sh!t together and recommit...hell one or both would be dead and or in state doing 25 to life.

Folks.. You gotta stop messing around and make a commitment and if your spouse can't keep up well phuck em!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I may not be an alpha male but I am an alpha individual that will no longer let someone else's bull crap define me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry for the thread jack.
I hope you at least see the ego you need to get thru this crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

The Guy. Glad it worked out for you guys and are still together. 

Yes women respect strength. Confidence. Self respect. Do not cave into her. It makes you look weak. Be strong and show her that this is a bump in the road. Not the end of the road. You. An do this BS101. Listen to us. We know. We've been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

She kinda showed her hand too soon. Run, don't walk to the bank and everything else. She wants to lie and cheat, what's next, steal. All great qualities in a marriage, not. Who wants to live with that. Not me, not for a second. Did she at least tell you why. I mean it won't make sense, because she is in a fog. You know the typical "we grew apart, crap." Look man bottom line I can tell you this, I moved on like others here after a 20 year crapola marriage not all the years, but enough to say goodbye in eight months time. Do like the others are suggesting. Move the hell on, it's not worth it to be played a fool, then you take her back and possible you catch what that posom is carrying. Marriage is marriage, not marriage with you and playtime with someone else. Good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

bs101 said:


> Any ideas on how I should reply to her letter?


 Yeah. Send her a thank you card and let her know that the thought of being free from a lying, cheating wife is a gift from heaven and in hindsight, it should have been done a long time ago and my sympathy to the OM. He'll need it along with a pair of extra eyes to keep on you because of your questionable morals that's missing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bs101 said:


> _"I feel the time is right to contact you with regards to us
> 
> I have thought long and hard about our relationship and cannot see a way to resolve it and moving forward.
> 
> ...


Attach a short note to the divorce papers delivered to her.


Dear STBXW:

Please see the inclosed document in response to your most recent communication. I too have thought long and hard; not so much about us, but about my regrets for even having the notion that I could reconcile with a non-remorseful, deceiving cheater.

So I will offer my thanks to you for so expeditiously giving me this clarity - by reminding me of who you are.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

In that letter you need to include the words:
-go pound sand
-C ya later
-not a chance
-F -- Off
HaHaHa
LOL


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Set up your own bank account today!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bs101 said:


> Thanks for all the replies.
> 
> Other man was a builder who was doing work next door. He did have a gf but split up with her before I found out and although I have tried I have not been able to track her down, I did however expose to his family, clients and friends and I confronted him and asked him to stop, he refused.


I assume you live in the UK or thereabouts? If so, do you have what we have here where you can make 'reviews' of builders on online websites regarding the building trade? Tell what he did, very factually. Every place you can find. Make keeping your wife very expensive.

I'm saying this because it sounds like you want her back, despite what she's done. So the very first thing you have to do to get her back is remove the OM from the picture. And ignore her 'you're controlling' crack talk; it's just that - her drug-addled brain fighting to keep her crack supply going.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BS

Why not respond to her by saying something like this:

"Since you think you have thought long and hard about us without speaking to me as well as involving a 3rd party into our marriage without ever speaking with me lets do something different.

Send me the contact information of your solicitor so my solicitor can coordinate the divorce with yours.

That way we will not have to communicate with each other since you seem to prefer that.

And I no longer have to tolerate you nor the disappointment I feel towards you.

Have a great life!"

That is how I would respond.

HM


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

XYZ builders.
Did an excellent job of nailing...
My wife, repeatedly on our marital bed.


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