# What's it like after divorce?



## Mark82 (Nov 25, 2015)

I've been with her for 10 years, the first few years were good and then we had a very hard few years and recently it's started to get better, but I still feel something missing in my life.

I guess I just feel as though everything is the same all of the time and it leaves me wondering whether or not to jump ship before we start having kids. I'm quite complex and sometimes I can get a bit suffocated, so it's hard to keep a straight head when it comes to these things but often I wonder if a life on my own for a while without all of the arguments, the boring conversations about what's for tea tonight, and the sitting in front of the television dying 1 day at a time is really for me. Yes I know that's depressing, but to me it feels like the reality of my life right now and don't get me wrong I have tried everything but my wife just isn't interested and to be honest I just don't really understand her anymore, I don't know what she wants out of life she seems content with the job, and then the television and chores and for me that's just boring.

I often think there is someone out there who shares the same views about life and the world and someone who I would connect with, I know looking for someone like myself may be a bit odd, but it's not that it's more about having real things in common.

I am worried about having kids which isn't a good sign is it? Can anyone who has got divorced for the very reasons above, then been on there own without any friends and also downsized dramatically because of cutting the cost in half etc give me some advice?

Thanks
Mark


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You are one step ahead of the game by recognizing how you feel before you have children. But you married this woman for a reason. have you talked to her about how you feel? She may feel the same way but is afraid to broach the subject with you. I know that is not the advice that you were looking for, but that is where I would start if I was you.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I agree with Ynot. And to your question, what is it like after divorce? It is different for different people. The person who wants it is likely to feel relieved but then may discover they're not happy after all, and that divorcing didn't solve the real problem. Or it could be that the person who thought they didn't want it discovers relief and peace. 

And this is why I think Ynot's advice is good. You need to gather facts and information before you file for divorce. Rather than go through a lengthy and spendy process to end up talking with your mate about important thing, if you have important conversations beforehand, you might turn things around and end up on the same page without all the drama.

But that raises an issue; in another post you said you and your wife moved closer to her family. Was this intended to improve features of your relationship? And now you have the BIL sleeping over, and things don't seem better. Maybe you and your wife need a real heart-to-heart and clearing of the air. Is there a reason you might have concerns about that?


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## Mark82 (Nov 25, 2015)

Ynot said:


> You are one step ahead of the game by recognizing how you feel before you have children. But you married this woman for a reason. have you talked to her about how you feel? She may feel the same way but is afraid to broach the subject with you. I know that is not the advice that you were looking for, but that is where I would start if I was you.


We have talked and to be honest we have had the hardest few years possible, with arguments 24/7 I am surprised we've stayed together to be honest. However, right now all I feel that she is bothered about is having kids, she doesn't share any thoughts with me on things such as the big meaning of life, and also spiritual things about the world. She knows we are at different stages in our lives and I have changed a lot but I don't know, I just feel like we cannot connect. I do love this woman but I miss speaking to someone, getting lost in a wonderful conversation, and then just being in tune and getting each other. I've had people like that in my life before many many years ago but our day to day contact is very boring marriage material. I know you can't have it all but worrying about having kids and knowing her focus will be on that and that alone makes me question whether I will make a mistake or not.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Mark82 said:


> We have talked and to be honest we have had the hardest few years possible, with arguments 24/7 I am surprised we've stayed together to be honest. However, right now all I feel that she is bothered about is having kids, she doesn't share any thoughts with me on things such as the big meaning of life, and also spiritual things about the world. She knows we are at different stages in our lives and I have changed a lot but I don't know, I just feel like we cannot connect. I do love this woman but I miss speaking to someone, getting lost in a wonderful conversation, and then just being in tune and getting each other. I've had people like that in my life before many many years ago but our day to day contact is very boring marriage material. I know you can't have it all but worrying about having kids and knowing her focus will be on that and that alone makes me question whether I will make a mistake or not.


If you aren't sure about having kids with her, then I think you shouldn't. It is a huge step and if you are unsure of the relationship it is unfair to bring an innocent life into it. 
Have you tried a counselor? You may not realize that you aren't communicating properly and so might she. 
I am not going to tell you that you should stay, but I think since you are there, your best option is to try to resolve your issues before pulling the plug. In the end you might end up pulling the plug. If you do, you will be able to hold your head high with no regrets, knowing that you did everything you could do.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Mark82 said:


> I do love this woman but I miss speaking to someone, getting lost in a wonderful conversation, and then just being in tune and getting each other. I've had people like that in my life before many many years ago but our day to day contact is very boring marriage material.


When you're around one person all the time and don't have enough of a separate life, it can get dull like this. A lot of conversation with people in general happens when you have been doing separate things and then re-connect later. And, it sounds like your wife just isn't as "deep" as you are. I had the same issue in my marriage. 

Try doing other things, spending a little time away, then re-connecting and seeing if you have more interesting things to talk about.

If she just isn't into deeper conversation like you, then you'll need to decide if that's enough for you before thinking about having kids. Counseling could help.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Don't have kids until you work thru issues. Your wife will focus all of her attention on the kids, once you have contributed the sperm, you may be side lined. Also, you will form attachments to the kids, and if divorce happens down the road, getting time and or custody would be difficult.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You remember what it was like before marriage? 

Yeah, it's kinda like that.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Don't rely on your wife to make you happy. She doesn't have that power.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Don't have kids unless your relationship is rock solid


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Mark...I was exactly how you felt...I was thinking of leaving too...I married her and took on her three kids. She beat me to it...she left, but here are reasons I thought about leaving. Tell me if these sound familiar:

* We'd watch the news, or tv, and I wanted to have a conversation about what we were watching. I would start, but I got back a "yep" or silence. No engaging conversation. Mainly silence or her texting while we were in the same room.

* After a movie, I wanted to discuss the plot, was it good, what did you think, etc. Nothing..just, "ya, it was good"...or to that effect.

* Wanted to talk at night when we both went to bed. She just drifted to sleep or said she was tired, or to that effect.

* I'd comment in the car about a nice house or a store or do you want a coffee...barely a response...

* We'd go to Starbucks for coffee. I found myself gathering magazines for her to read because then I knew I wouldn't have to be disappointed by forcing conversation...it kept her occupied and I didn't have to be agonized by trying and being let down again.

* I'd join her for tv, and after 5 minutes she would get up and leave and do something else.

* I found myself wanting to be alone. I stopped accompanying her when she went to camp or did groceries. If she's just going to be silent and not converse, then I might as well do things I like...alone...no disappointments.

* many times just a blank stare or silence when I ask questions. I found myself asking her redundant questions just to get a response. She showed no interest in anything I said...often a dead end or silence to all conversation...


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