# Noting but me laying out some of my thoughts. -not much to see-



## thecleaner (Jul 22, 2020)

I don't know why, but I felt the need to post a few items from my document I have been using to sort through my thoughts. It has seemed to help me "find my center" when I actually put these things in writing. I had no intention of ever showing anyone, but maybe I need to vent? 

Backgroud: 
I (43M) have been married to my wife (51F) for since April 2000 (20Y), have been together since February 1997. Our youngest is about to marry on August 9. I am her 4th husband, but we were dating longer than all of her prior marriages combined. My family has always been at the root of my identity. Any bs I ever go through, I do because my family will be better off. Every dime I make goes straight to the wife to use as she sees fit. I don't do all of the things I do so that my family will do without. I do everything I can to provide for and protect them. I guess that's my biggest downfall. I have always done everything to be the rock that people can lean on, but no one really has any feelings for a rock.

I run a family business, and it takes 60+hrs /week of my time, and have been in the National Guard for 15 years. This year has been crazy with the Guard and COVID.

As far as infidelity: I'm not 100% sure, but it's in the high 90's. I got the ILYBINILWY 10 days ago. I was useless to society for 2 straight days. Looking back, the signs were there, but since I trusted my wife unconditionally, I didn't notice.
Anyway, I just wanted to post some of the things I have put down (for me to read). Again, I'm not sure why, but if there are spouses out there who are going through this; please know that you aren't "alone". It happens and will happen to many of us. Without further ado, here are two of the random "entries":

-I have been trying to figure out what made you decide that I was no longer good enough for you. I think the root cause may be safety/security. When we first got together, you were a very insecure person. I didn’t mind your insecurities, even though they did wear on me from time-to-time when you would get wrapped up in worry about them. Insecurity about your worth. Insecurity about your body/self image. Insecure financially. Insecure in “love”. We both worked on these, and I encouraged you trough it all that you had no reason to feel this way. Fast forward, and you no longer felt insecure about your worth (we raised a wonderful family, and I KNOW I made sure you knew you meant the world to me). No longer insecure about “love” (read the former, plus I was NOT ONCE unfaithful to you). No longer insecure about your body/self image (through a combination of a LOT of hard work on your part, and a lot of cash, you were able to finally realize you are a “looker”). As far as secure financially: we have never been wealthy, but I believe I provided a decent living for you. When we got together, I distinctly remember you were apprehensive about spending money. Fast forward a decade, and you can give drunken sailors a run for their money. I guess the new sugar daddy has a better 401k

-What really gets me is the lying. Like I said, I suppose you’ve been working your exit strategy for many years. You acted like my father was an ass for cheating on my mother (even though I just found out you told my Grandma you thought he was brave to do so after 47 years. I guess you should tell him thanks for helping you work up the courage to be an adulterer). What was all the fake worry and concern that I might do something like that to you? If you’ve felt like we shouldn’t be married for as long as you claim, shouldn’t it have been a relief if I ran off with someone else? You literally had conversations with multiple people, to include -oldest son-, about how we are “living our best life”; and that was less than a year ago. (another lie) You tell me I act like you don’t matter, another lie. That is 100% ********, and you know it. You had a coworker nickname me “Romance” and you claim there were coworkers jealous that you constantly get flowers and visits from me. (no, that’s not just me spending money. That’s me reminding you I cared). I showed up and surprised you at your hair appointment as soon as I got back in town from Slovakia. I didn’t stop at work. I didn’t go to my parents’ or my friend’s or anywhere else. I came straight back to see you. How many times did I drive to your work to clean the snow/ice off your car? How many times have I left little trinkets or notes around? I constantly do things to remind you. I have been in a funk in my head for the last 6 months or so. I will admit that. Likely a combination of stress from trying to pay for things at home, the increased burden COVID activation and Slovakia has had on my Army career and trying to keep the business up and running through this. What do I get as my reward? My wife finds a new man. Yay me! (never forget, I was by your side as you went through YEARS of mental issues. You were literally on anti-depressants, lest you forget)


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Never waste your life thinking you can EARN someone’s desire. You can not purchase fidelity and love. When a person gives all of themself away into the identity of another ..... it’s not healthy.
You got the ILUBIANILWY..... you need to believe her and move on. She has been finished for quite some time likely.

Nothing to save .... get a lawyer


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

dump her, let her look for number 5. you can't force some one to love you no matter how much you love them...time to cut your loses and give her, her walking papers


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

I stopped reading at you’re her 4th husband. she went through the first three like sh*t thru a goose then slowed down with you bc you provided stability. But I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this isn’t her first rodeo during her years with you. ILYBINILWY is the mind killer. My WW said some pretty screwy things but never this. Usually when they give you that one they have transferred their loyalty wholesale to another man.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She treats men like they are cigarettes. Ditch her and move on. You got used my friend.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

thecleaner said:


> I am her 4th husband


I stopped reading after I saw this.

Play silly games, win silly prizes. 

You don’t think picking up after 3 other men’s mistakes was a problem.

I didn’t read the rest of your post (because I don’t need to) but the answer is to unyoke yourself from her and start living your own life doing what works best for you and what supports your own well being the most without regard to her.


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Do you know who the guy is?


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I vote you dump her and move on.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@thecleaner You aren't the problem. She is her own problem. Unless she has gone through her first three husbands due to a series of tragic events (one died in a car crash, one died due to ill health, one cheated on her) then she went through them due to boredom and not wanting to be a cheater she decided to go down the route of serial monogamy. 

That works for her, but not for you. Would counselling help, possibly?


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

There is nothing wrong with how you treated her. You sound like a very loving man and you would make a normal woman very happy. There is however, something wrong with HER. If she's given you that speech there is not much you can do. Start the 180 (look it up if you don't know what that is) and see a lawyer so you can know what to expect. Start some individual counseling so you can get some help with the tough challenges you're going to face before this is all over. 

It's way too soon to be looking for another, but there are plenty of woman out there looking for a guy like you. When you're ready go make one of them very happy. 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. _hugs_ Stay and post here...many have been through it and there is lots of support to be found here.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

thecleaner said:


> I don't know why, but I felt the need to post a few items from my document I have been using to sort through my thoughts. It has seemed to help me "find my center" when I actually put these things in writing. I had no intention of ever showing anyone, but maybe I need to vent?
> 
> Backgroud:
> I (43M) have been married to my wife (51F) for since April 2000 (20Y), have been together since February 1997. Our youngest is about to marry on August 9. I am her 4th husband, but we were dating longer than all of her prior marriages combined. My family has always been at the root of my identity. Any bs I ever go through, I do because my family will be better off. Every dime I make goes straight to the wife to use as she sees fit. I don't do all of the things I do so that my family will do without. I do everything I can to provide for and protect them. I guess that's my biggest downfall. I have always done everything to be the rock that people can lean on, but no one really has any feelings for a rock.
> ...


Yeah some lessons from this.

Never marry a very insecure person, 4 marriages a very big red flag.
Never work so hard as to lose yourself, no one appreciates it that much and they are not going to get it.

Not saying it's you but some men see their only job as being a financial provider for there family, and it is to a primary one to a certain extent But we live in an age where women are quite capable of financially providing for themselves. The job is to be a provider, finance is only a part of that. You also need to be an emotional provider within reason. Remember part of fidelity is basically letting your spouse be the primary source of that need. It's unfair if one spouse ignores this. It works the same as physical intimacy. You can't ask to be the only source and then let it dry up.

It sucks but you are still young you can have a great life going forward. Don't take her back if she comes scampering back after whoever it is dumps her.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I certainly feel for you.
As mentioned, read up on and implement the 180. This is more for your clarity, however it will be fascinating for you to see how she reacts.
Find yourself a legal shark and file. Let her be served cold.Give her no indication you are headed in that direction. Follow their advice as to the course of action that is best for you.
Explore if there are viable options to protect your business and assets. Find a good shyster or two to assist.
Look out for yourself. She certainly is looking out for her interests.
Get out of the mess you are in. You will find the right person for you when you least expect it.
Here's a tip: If they are on more than one divorce, take a pass. There is probably a good reason for it.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I (43M) have been married to my wife (51F) for since April 2000 (20Y), have been together since February 1997. .......I am her 4th husband,


Are you saying that you and she got together when she was 28 AND by then, she had been married 3 times already?



> Our youngest is about to marry on August 9.


I guess marrying early and often runs in the family.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Cleaner: Uncertainty is a mind killer. I suggest that your first course of action is to obtain confirmation. Your second course of action will be determined by the results of confirmation. 90% sure is still unsure. I have to agree with several people here, you are not the problem. Three husbands? That is serial monogamy. Seen a few of these. They like the buildup to a wedding and the honeymoon to an extent. The day to day drag, however is not in their wheelhouse. I would suggest that this relationship is pretty much over for her. I have to chuckle at this. 4 time divorcee in her (subsequent to D) mid fifties. My MIL was a fantastic commentator on the human condition. She was widowed in her 70's. Like my wife a very attractive woman, but she said, at her age, men are looking for a nurse or a purse. 

To be honest, it sounds as if this should come to an end. You are bristling at the disloyalty in all of this. Coupled with the disparity in ages, a significant amount of psychological issues, and probable betrayal you would be best to move on.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dang Cleaner, seize the opportunity to get free and find a better woman


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Stop showing weakness. Get your s#it together. There are far better opportunities out there.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're her 4th husband? She's 8 years older than you?
Is the youngest kid you're referring to from her past husbands? 

I'm sure that after 20 years, the thought of starting over is scary but at 43 year old, you could easily start over. Getting with a late 30s woman who loves you is going to be far superior than being with a early 50s woman who despises you.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

What's your relationship with your mother like? You dated a woman who was 8 years old than you when you were still quite young. This leads me to believe your mother was not present in your life or she was but it was a very negative relationship, was she hard to please and often dismissive of your wants, needs and desires? Or was it more of co-dependent relationship where she placed a lot of the responsibility for making her happy on your shoulders, such as complaining frequently about your father to you and making you feel that you needed to defend her from him?


----------



## thecleaner (Jul 22, 2020)

Well, I didn't expect, nor was I looking for any replies. However, people replied, so they are due, a minimum, an update.

When I posted this thread, I was nearing the end of my "self discovery". I was pretty sure I was doing okay, I just needed a place to vent.

Since then, I have been absolutely fantastic. None of the kids (I fathered the youngest, but raised all 3) are at all surprised. They absolutely refuse to cut me out of their lives. Everyone I know who means anything to me has been great. 

Separation has been filed, and I just want this behind me. It is weird being a bachelor, but I will manage. To be honest, I just want her gone. As many who have been through this have experienced, I still care for this woman. But I just can't stand being around a narcissistic liar. Luckily she has an apartment now. 

Thank you all for your support. Something I told myself was "I may have been discarded, but I'm not throwing myself away". I will live by that


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good for you. Why did you only file a separation and not divorce?


----------

