# Totally lost.....



## DXB (Jul 3, 2011)

Hi all,

I really need some advice about the way things are going in my life. My wife and I have been together nearly 10 years, and married for 6, and we have an almost 4 year old son. (I'm 32, she's 35) Over the years, our relationship has deteriorated, and we are a shadow of our previous selves. We argue about everything - not in a massive shouting match, more like bickering. The big rows we do have usually end up in her threatening to leave and take our son away from me. We currently live overseas, and we are both from 2 different European countries, so if that did happen it would be a nightmare. 

I permanently feel like I have to give in to her just to keep her happy, and to avoid an arguement. She goes crazy if she finds out I have spoken to any other women - in any way at all - even though I have no intent of playing away. The jealousy really gets to me. She spends money like it's going out of fashion, and refuses to tighten the belt. Also she continually makes sniping remarks about everything and anything. She swings from being supportive one minute, to being an absolute obstruction the next. Also I have no social life anymore, as I basically just try to do whatever I can to make her happy - I've even severed contact with my family as they were unpleasant to my wife, and I feel like that loyalty is being thrown back at me at times.

This last week, I went to the US for a business conference and I got to meet and talk to people from all over. It's the first time in years, that I felt like I was the old me, and not like the person I have become over the years. I made lots of new friends, and several of them female. One of them I got particulalry close to, just let me talk and made me feel like I wasn't just imagining how bad things were. She's newly wed, and I have no intention of cheating on my wife and nothing happened. I do have feelings for her, but not in a sexual way at all - more like a really close friend who I can say anything to. (The first thing my wife said when I got off the plane was who is this woman you added on facebook.....I don't know how to deal with it) She's kinda made me see I need to get some advice on the whole situation, and that I've let it fester too long. (It's been a long while since someone just listened to me in a non-judgemental way.) The problem is, I know that my wife's first reaction will be to use my son as a weapon to make me cave in if I raise my concerns.
Things got more complex today, when my wife mentioned her stepdad. He's seriously ill, and she's always had a bad relationship with him - thing is she has said that if his prognosis from his next surgery is bad, she will stay in her home country for at least a year.....which I really don't get considering their previous. Problem is that she'd take the my son with her, and I don't know how I'd cope. I'm totally petrified about not seeing my son, and it's hurting me a lot. She won't compromise on it, and I don't see a resolution at the moment. I don't want to seem insensitive towards the situation, but I feel totally lost and scared. 
I really am totally bewildered by things, and I really need some help to find my way out of this. I feel like I'm going nuts........So any advice will be gladly received and acknowledged. 

Thanks for your help


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You guys need to get into mc now. Separation for some time might allow you both to see what has happened however you need to start that process now. When your wife would come to visit, make sure you have an mc scheduled.

This can probably be fixed, bit you both need to want it. 

Sit your wife down and say things have gotten bad and you love her and you both need help


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DXB, the behavior you describe -- verbally abusive, controlling, unreasonable jealousy, rapid flips from adoring you to devaluing you, binge spending (lack of impulse control), and vindictiveness -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). When a person has strong BPD traits, it is common for them to augment their ability to control you by isolating you from all friends and family, claiming they do not treat her well. And, because BPDers have a great fear of abandonment, they typically are unreasonably jealous.

Yet, because these BPD traits would have started showing themselves at the end of your honeymoon period, you would have started seeing them -- i.e., the red flags -- nine years ago if your W really exhibits a strong pattern of such traits. If that is not the case, please disregard this post. If it is the case, however, I suggest you read my description of these traits in Blacksmith's thread so you can spot all strong traits that are occurring. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. Take care, DBX.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

You shouldn't let your W control you that way.

My advice is meet a lawyer and find out what are your rights as a father in the country where you live, and explain your situation to him/her.

You are your son's father. You have the right to parent your son, to spend time with him, etc. Your W cannot unilaterally take your son away.

You and her are convinced that she was total control over your son, and she is using this to control you.

In theory you should man up, and set your boundaries, but since she is doing this whole "I'll take your son away from you" thing, you need to get legal advice ASAP.


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