# vascillating



## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 21 years. She is GM at a very hip and busy restaurant. We have 2 kids in elementary school. We were together for 14 years before having kids and were both very independent. I'm a musician/composer by trade and I earn a decent living through my publishing deals. She has always been more at ease with men than women because she likes the open/irreverent communication. We moved back to my hometown when our oldest was school age. 1 month later the trouble began. 
She was opening the new restaurant and after the 1st week she had to do inventory because business was off the hook. She knew I had a gig early the next morning so she said she would be home about 11 pm. She texted at 11 saying she would be home by midnight. at 2am I texted to see if all was well... no reply. I texted several times and called several times. She works downtown and I was worried. Finally I texted "Please reply!". Nothing. I was contemplating what to do... get the kids out of bed and drive down there? Call police? I was VERY worried.
She showed up at 6:30am - hammered! I called my adult son to come over and be with the kids while she slept it off. I found out she had been at john's all that time. John is one of her managers, so they have reasons to text and call each other.A month later she did the same thing but was out till 7am. I confronted her and she apologized and said she didn't respond because she knew she was already in trouble and just wanted to feel like she was in her 20s again. I let it go. A few days later she called at 6pm and said she had to work late (10pm).
She got home at 11 and went directly to take a shower. I looked at her phone. She went over to his place at 8pm. She was there for 3 hours. 
She has met up with him at his place and at other bars several times without telling me. She has deleted a few texts. Finally one morning I told her I thought she was having an affair. She looked me in the eye and said never. She said she had never even kissed another man since we first got together. She swears that they are just friends. She refers to him as her brother from another mother. When I said I couldn't hang with this she said "Okay, I won't see him outside of work". She expressed regret that she wont get to enjoy his friendship and that this made me feel so insecure. I never looked at her texts until that night she came home and took a shower. Now I read them quite a bit and I hate being that person. I know that they still get together sometimes and drink. When we were on vacation he texted that he missed her. Last week he texted, "Thirsty? Come drink with me." She replied "I wish!! Husband had a hard day and wouldn't like it if I went out tonight."
Nothing has really changed between us except that we don't have sex much... once or twice a month. That's not enough!
I've loved this woman like no other and have been faithful for 21 years. I asked her if it was alright if I found myself a sister from another mother to party with and maybe stay out all night sometimes. She said she wouldn't like that... no kidding?! I know she calls or texts him more than any of her other managers and often right after she leaves home for work.
I feel at the very least this is an inappropriate relationship.

I realize that people in the service industry are a little different than most. They become like family and I except this, the music business is the same way, but I don't know what to do. I have a rock in the pit of my stomach almost every day. I'm depressed. Anyone have any ideas? Opinions?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

You have a good lever there, because she admitted that she would not like it if you did the same thing. The worst thing is if your spouse says that they don't care if you do the same thing .. so, it may be time to tell her that you don't want her to contact him about anything outside of work hours, other than work. No drinking with him, no gossipping with him over the phone or by text. 

It does sound like she is stepping over the boundaries into an EA (emotional affair) and it's up to you to call a halt.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

It's inappropriate. I had a similar situation with my SO and a girl friend. I don't tolerate it. She likes him. Xoxo and hearts in her texts to him. To his credit he doesn't reciprocate but it's an uncomfortable situation. Thank god he doesn't work with her. I couldn't cope. I think you did the right thing. Hopefully it will die down


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I like how you put the shoe on the other foot and she said she wouldn't like it? Well boo hoo! She could be getting quickies at work so I would insist on her quitting jmo.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm willing to bet good money that if you polygraphed her you'd find that there was some kind of sex involved in this affair. Oh yeah, it's an affair alright.

A MARRIED woman staying out until the next morning is completely unacceptable (same for married men). Factoring alcohol into this equation equals lowered inhibitions and physical activity!

If you don't know it already, these are Red Flags that point to an affair:

Taking a shower as soon as she came home
Lying about where she waas
Deleting texts
Lover Boy texting he "misses her"
Decreased sex life

I know PLENTY of people in the food service/hospitality industry who do not behave this way! 

She's lying to you

Put a VAR in her car
Get a keylogger on your PC
Continue to review her phone records
Either activate the GPS on her phone or buy a unit you can install in her car

Hold on pal. This ride is gonna suck!


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

You should move this to the coping to the infidelity section. This is a most obvious affair.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So what's she getting from John that you aren't providing?

Some things, like partying with her like she was 20 again, you shouldn't be expected to provide.

But if she hangs with John because you two never communicate, you can see where things went off track.

Figure out what is missing and, in the meantime, you need to put a wedge between her and John, maybe even figure a way to let him go since continued contact can't be good for your marriage.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

I think it's time to sit her down and let her know that you know she's having an affair and it needs to stop. Even if by chance it's not sexual, it's definitely emotional. You need to ask her what she wants out of life. fling or marriage? Ask her if she has even given a thought to her kids all this time. Tell her that you will only support marriage. Ask her what you can do to make marriage better, maybe make an effort to communicate more, go out more together, spend more time as a family. She might be simply seeking praise and attention. She does need to get that from her husband daily, just as you need it daily also from her. 

However, she should be setting an example for her children, she has chosen to behave like a 20 year old again, this sounds very immature..what about her kids? What about her promise to you?

In the end, if she doesn't come around, you're going to have to ask yourself: how long am I willing to put up with being treated this way? And do my kids deserve this?

So talk to her, if you get no where, turn the tables around (without cheating because if your both guilty, then neither of you have a leg to stand on, you can book a hotel for the night, come home the next day for example), if you get no where get a lawyer.


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

The thing that makes it so difficult is that outside of the decrease in sex, nothing else is different. We have always had good communication and still do. If I knew nothing about john and she hadn't stayed out twice, I wouldn't suspect a thing.


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## greeneyes blue (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks Falcon King. I'll move this to infidelity section


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

greeneyes blue said:


> The thing that makes it so difficult is that outside of the decrease in sex, nothing else is different. We have always had good communication and still do. If I knew nothing about john and she hadn't stayed out twice, I wouldn't suspect a thing.


Yeah but she did. This is an affair, it has probably gone physical, if not it's %100 emotional affair at this point. 

Things you should do:
-Make them go NC.(Even if it's not sexual, it's emotional so she is getting her feeling of high from him daily when at work)
-Enforce this NC (by spying, unfortunately) : VARs , keyloggers, textchecks. But this must be done discreetly. Don't let her know you are checking up on her.
-If the NC is broken, expose the affair. Don't do it vindictively however. Do it in a constructive way. There are others here who can help you phrase the exposure more eloquently.
-If it's not working: File for divorce.

Get the book called Married Man Sex Life Primer(not a sex manual) and memorize it from one end to another.

You cannot nice her out of an affair, don't ever forget that. You can only push her away with that tactic.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

greeneyes blue said:


> The thing that makes it so difficult is that outside of the decrease in sex, nothing else is different. We have always had good communication and still do. If I knew nothing about john and she hadn't stayed out twice, I wouldn't suspect a thing.


When I was having an affair, things actually got better between my wife and I. Since I had an outlet, emotional and sexual, my wife's reluctance to be an outlet for me was no longer an issue and we got along better.

just saying...


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> When I was having an affair, things actually got better between my wife and I. Since I had an outlet, emotional and sexual, my wife's reluctance to be an outlet for me was no longer an issue and we got along better.
> 
> just saying...


Sad because rather than being close to your wife and sharing most intimate moments, when you have an affair, your just friends with her keeping it on a superficial level. That would sadden me, whats the point in committing to someone if they aren't 100% involved. You make it sound like it worked for you both, was she truly happy? Did she know you were having an affair? Maybe many men (and women) are stuck in the same boat where the marriage becomes more superficial rather than emotional and one or the other seeks intimacy elsewhere. Kinda looks like you end up living two separate lives. I think trying to work things out is priceless, though I've not had an affair, I am guilty of wondering if I should stay or go. So far, I always end up with the thought that it's worth fighting for.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Monet19 said:


> Sad because rather than being close to your wife and sharing most intimate moments, when you have an affair, your just friends with her keeping it on a superficial level. That would sadden me, whats the point in committing to someone if they aren't 100% involved. You make it sound like it worked for you both, was she truly happy? Did she know you were having an affair? Maybe many men (and women) are stuck in the same boat where the marriage becomes more superficial rather than emotional and one or the other seeks intimacy elsewhere. Kinda looks like you end up living two separate lives. I think trying to work things out is priceless, though I've not had an affair, I am guilty of wondering if I should stay or go. So far, I always end up with the thought that it's worth fighting for.


We went from being antagonists all the time to being friendly roommates, which is where my wife actually wanted the relationship to be. So yes, she was happy.


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