# Husband cheated, family pressuring me to let it slide



## Carmen1414 (Jun 29, 2015)

I discovered that my husband had a one-night stand during a recent business trip (the OW texted him thanking him for the "amazing" sex they had and I got to his phone before he did). I was devastated and I kicked him out of the house while I figured things out. I told my mom and my sister about it, and to my surprise, they're all treating it like it's no big deal. They're both telling me that men will have their flings from time to time and that I should overlook them as long as they keep them discrete and don't let them interfere with our home life. My sister went even further and said that we should be open about it and set some ground rules! My mom basically told me that my father stepped out multiple times during their marriage (he died three years ago), that she looked the other way, and that I should do the same. That was truly a shock to me since I never had any inkling that my dad was unfaithful and I always knew him to be a loving father and husband who was devoted to his family. From what I could see, he always treated my mom like a queen. 

What's surreal about all this is that his family, whom I have always had a great relationship with, had the opposite reaction. After I kicked him out, my husband confessed to his parents. My father-in-law (who is truly a wonderful man whom I have always respected) called me and profusely apologized for his son's behavior. He said that he and my mother-in-law raised their son with better morals, that I did the right thing by kicking him out, and that they would understand no matter what decision I made.

I'm truly torn about what to do. He was my high school and college sweetheart and is the only man I've ever been with. We've been married six years and have been together for thirteen. Our relationship had been wonderful until now, so this was pretty devastating. He came clean and he's remorseful, but he's not exactly begging for my forgiveness. He claims it was a one-time lapse. He's attractive, charismatic, and has a very strong sex drive, so I'm not confident that this won't happen again (or that this isn't the first time, despite his claims). We have no kids and I have a good career, so I could theoretically walk away and never look back. On the other hand, he's been a great husband in every other respect. My family always liked him and would welcome him back, and because his family recognizes that this was his fault and is taking my side, I know there would be no ugliness with my in-laws if we reconciled. Plus, after having been with the same person my entire adult life, the idea of essentially starting over as a 30 year-old single woman seems scary and daunting. 

Truthfully, I still love him because of all we've been through, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Is my family right though? Should I just learn to overlook these kinds of lapses as long as everything else is good?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Carmen1414 said:


> I discovered that my husband had a one-night stand during a recent business trip (the OW texted him thanking him for the "amazing" sex they had and I got to his phone before he did). I was devastated and I kicked him out of the house while I figured things out. I told my mom and my sister about it, and to my surprise, they're all treating it like it's no big deal. They're both telling me that men will have their flings from time to time and that I should overlook them as long as they keep them discrete and don't let them interfere with our home life. My sister went even further and said that we should be open about it and set some ground rules! My mom basically told me that my father stepped out multiple times during their marriage (he died three years ago), that she looked the other way, and that I should do the same. That was truly a shock to me since I never had any inkling that my dad was unfaithful and I always knew him to be a loving father and husband who was devoted to his family. From what I could see, he always treated my mom like a queen.
> 
> What's surreal about all this is that his family, whom I have always had a great relationship with, had the opposite reaction. After I kicked him out, my husband confessed to his parents. My father-in-law (who is truly a wonderful man whom I have always respected) called me and profusely apologized for his son's behavior. He said that he and my mother-in-law raised their son with better morals, that I did the right thing by kicking him out, and that they would understand no matter what decision I made.
> 
> I'm truly torn about what to do. He was my high school and college sweetheart and is the only man I've ever been with. We've been married six years and have been together for thirteen. Our relationship had been wonderful until now, so this was pretty devastating. He came clean and he's remorseful, but he's not exactly begging for my forgiveness. He claims it was a one-time lapse. He's attractive, charismatic, and has a very strong sex drive, so I'm not confident that this won't happen again (or that this isn't the first time, despite his claims). *We have no kids and I have a good career, so I could theoretically walk away and never look back.* On the other hand, he's been a great husband in every other respect. My family always liked him and would welcome him back, and because his family recognizes that this was his fault and is taking my side, I know there would be no ugliness with my in-laws if we reconciled. Plus, after having been with the same person my entire adult life, the idea of essentially starting over as a 30 year-old single woman seems scary and daunting.


As he's not throwing himself at your feet and begging for forgiveness, I'd advise you to dump the chump.

I say that because his relative lack of contrition speaks VOLUMES: if he can't set aside his ego, pride, or whatever it is that's keeping him from literally sobbing at your feet and begging you to take him back, then he's not worth keeping, and you'll only wind up right back in this same mess before too long. It's best to get out now before you have X more years worth of financial obligations and a couple of kids thrown in the mix for good measure. *ESPECIALLY* since he now knows that your family is so willing to let this bullsh*t slide.



Carmen1414 said:


> Truthfully, I still love him because of all we've been through, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. *Is my family right though? Should I just learn to overlook these kinds of lapses as long as everything else is good?*


Nope, not at all.

Oh... and if OW is married, expose the ONS to her husband. He deserves to know that his wife is stepping out on him.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,


Carmen1414 said:


> On the other hand, he's been a great husband in every other respect.


Based on this quote may I ask,aside from that one incident, how did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln? Does this "one incident" not cast aspersion on the marriage? Obviously, it is your decision as to whether or not you should continue on in the marriage but may I posit that if your H is not genuinely contrite then this may indeed be a recurring instance.

If you are, as your mother was, content with this scenario then so be it. If not, then perhaps your H needs to know how deeply this has troubled you. If, after understanding your angst regarding this situation, he still remains aloof then you must evaluate your love for someone who has so little regard for your feelings and whether him being such a great husband in every other area makes his infidelity tolerable. If so, why marry at all? I wish you good fortune.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Another thought... if it truly were a ONS, why would OW need or have his cell phone number?


----------



## Carmen1414 (Jun 29, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> As he's not throwing himself at your feet and begging for forgiveness, I'd advise you to dump the chump.
> 
> I say that because his relative lack of contrition speaks VOLUMES: if he can't set aside his ego, pride, or whatever it is that's keeping him from literally sobbing at your feet and begging you to take him back, then he's not worth keeping, and you'll only wind up right back in this same mess before too long. It's best to get out now before you have X more years worth of financial obligations and a couple of kids thrown in the mix for good measure. *ESPECIALLY* since he now knows that your family is so willing to let this bullsh*t slide.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. The last time I spoke to him, we had a long 2-hour conversation and at the end of it, he basically said, "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can't." The expression on his face made it seem like he was sincere but he didn't think he deserved forgiveness. I can't get the image of his face and his tear-filled eyes when he said that to me out of my mind, which is why I want so badly to forgive him.

And then there's this shocking revelation from my family, who seem to think that there isn't even much to forgive. According to my mom and my sister, men are just wired differently from women. They are programmed to think with their little brains, and as long as they are good family men in every other respect and are discreet about their extracurricular activities, I should cut them some slack. My mom said that the sooner I accepted that, the happier my home life would be. I'm frankly taken aback by their views on this since they're both educated professionals with strong and outspoken personalities. I thought they would be the last people on earth to tolerate nonsense from their husbands.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> Originally Posted by Carmen1414
> On the other hand, he's been a great husband in every other respect.


Kind of like, "Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was Dallas?"


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Starting over at 30 after dumping the cheating POS will be the best thing you ever did. Certainly easier than starting over after 40 or 50 or 60 there are plenty of people here who have done that (me after 20+years) Don't take marriage or even dating advice from your family, ever. They sound bonkers, they sound like old school Mob mentality.

You'll never be able to trust him again unless you get a lobotomy. Sorry you are here.


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I wonder why your sister is taking your husband's side? did your H contacted them before you do? Also, do what you want to do. However this is not reason, just because your mother forgave your dad, you have to do the same? and this is what you will teach your daughter? You have to stop this circle. 

I think reconciliation is good but you have to see if your H is remorseful. Also, if it was one time thing, why did he give his number to OW, and allowed her to text him. If you did not see the txt You would never find it out. He sorry because he was caught and not because he thinks he did something wrong. If you know the other woman, tell her husband.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Carmen1414 said:


> Thanks for your reply. The last time I spoke to him, we had a long 2-hour conversation and at the end of it, he basically said, "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can't." The expression on his face made it seem like he was sincere but he didn't think he deserved forgiveness. I can't get the image of his face and his tear-filled eyes when he said that to me out of my mind, which is why I want so badly to forgive him.
> 
> And then there's this shocking revelation from my family, who seem to think that there isn't even much to forgive. *According to my mom and my sister, men are just wired differently from women. They are programmed to think with their little brains*, and as long as they are good family men in every other respect and are discreet about their extracurricular activities, I should cut them some slack. My mom said that the sooner I accepted that, the happier my home life would be. I'm frankly taken aback by their views on this since they're both educated professionals with strong and outspoken personalities. I thought they would be the last people on earth to tolerate nonsense from their husbands.


...and yet we VOW to give all of that up once we enter into marriage. Or, to be more accurate, we vow to "forsake all others" and share that side of ourselves ONLY w/ our spouses.

If not for the "as long as they're discrete about it" comments, I'd think that your mother and sister were advocating for an open marriage. And, actually, some of your sister's comments (as relayed in your first post) would seem to indicate that. Is this something that you're considering?

Plenty of couples live -- in varying degrees of happiness, I'd imagine (just like the rest of us... LOL) -- in open marriages, though I'd think that infidelity certainly wouldn't be the ideal way to begin such an arrangement.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

3putt said:


> Kind of like, "Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was Dallas?"


Well damn, NC, you edited your post as I typed mine and made me look stupid...... 

I guess we were thinking along the same lines though.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP sorry for the spot you are in. 

I completely disagree with your family, this is a very big deal.

Gus brings up a great point, why would a ONS have his cell number. Obviously she knows him as more than a ONS.

In the end you have to do what is right for you.

I'd bounce the chump. No kids, you can walk away clean... 

If you find that you want to reconcile, please do so after careful consideration and do not be pressured into it by anyone. Also, do not rug sweep. He has a lot to prove.

Hopefully he is getting tested for STDs and hopefully you found out before he put your physical health at risk.

Not all men have their flings. I was married for over 2 decades and never stepped out on my wife.

Good luck
WD


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you've already talked yourself into taking him back.

I think you will regret it. I also think that this is not his first time.

You are forewarned now, however, so you will be more alert and he will be more careful. You will also be tortured by this, I'm afraid.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Carmen1414 said:


> And then there's this shocking revelation from my family, who seem to think that there isn't even much to forgive. According to my mom and my sister, men are just wired differently from women. They are programmed to think with their little brains, and as long as they are good family men in every other respect and are discreet about their extracurricular activities, I should cut them some slack. My mom said that the sooner I accepted that, the happier my home life would be. I'm frankly taken aback by their views on this since they're both educated professionals with strong and outspoken personalities. I thought they would be the last people on earth to tolerate nonsense from their husbands.


This comes as no surprise considering there was a member here 4 years ago whose wife decided that since she was entering her 40's it was time to have an affair and chose her husband's best friend from childhood. The affair was fun for her for the first 6 months but when she tried to end it, the OM threaten to expose her if she broke up the affair, so the affair continued for another year when she finally dared him to expose the affair and he caved in. To make things worse, she became pregnant during the time she was having sex with the OM, she didn't know who the father was, didn't tell her husband even after the birth of the child. Her husband finally discovered the truth and left her. She begged and pleaded for him to forgive her but it was a deal breaker for him. The shocker was his mother, father and sister (and later his daughters) excoriated him for not reconciling with his cheating wife and to raise the child he was not even sure it was his (a later DNA proved that it was his child). He cut off all contact with his FOO (family of origin) for he considered their actions as a betrayal as great as his then wife. He divorced her anyway.

You may not share the same blood but you are more a child of your in-laws than of your FOO. And the same could be said of your cheating husband being more a child of your FOO than his.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> 
> 
> Based on this quote may I ask,aside from that one incident, how did you enjoy the play Mrs. Lincoln? Does this "one incident" not cast aspersion on the marriage? Obviously, it is your decision as to whether or not you should continue on in the marriage but may I posit that if your H is not genuinely contrite then this may indeed be a recurring instance.
> ...


Well said.

I know a guy that has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their marriage, and she's gotten to the point where she just puts up w/ it. It's like she's turned a blind eye to all of it and doesn't even care any more. They've got a couple of kids, and he provides a very nice lifestyle for all of them, so I'd imagine that has something to do w/ her decision to look the other way. (For now, at least...)

He's an attractive guy, so I can see why he'd get the attention that he does. He also does quite a bit of charitable giving, and is very involved in his community. What's messed up is that he sort of uses all of this to rationalize his behavior, even to the point where he's got himself convinced that he's more or less entitled to it. IOW, as long as he's a good husband, a good father, a good provider, a good neighbor, or whatever in every other way, then it's OK!

But here's the thing: every time that he cheats, he puts his wife into a position where she essentially has to choose between her own dignity and the preservation of her family and lifestyle. A good husband wouldn't do that to his wife. A good father wouldn't do that to the mother of his children. A good provider wouldn't "provide" that sort of lesson to his children. A good neighbor wouldn't perpetuate such behavior within his neighborhood. Need I continue?

Eventually, she'll hit her breaking point, and it'll all come tumbling down around him. And all because he couldn't keep himself for his wife, the rightful recipient of his loyalty, fidelity, affection, and passion.

Such a shame.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

morituri said:


> This comes as no surprise considering there was a member here 4 years ago whose wife decided that since she was entering her 40's it was time to have an affair and chose her husband's best friend from childhood. The affair was fun for her for the first 6 months but when she tried to end it, the OM threaten to expose her if she broke up the affair, so the affair continued for another year when she finally dared him to expose the affair and he caved in. To make things worse, she became pregnant during the time she was having sex with the OM, she didn't know who the father was, didn't tell her husband even after the birth of the child. Her husband finally discovered the truth and left her. She begged and pleaded for him to forgive her but it was a deal breaker for him. The shocker was his mother, father and sister (and later his daughters) excoriated him for not reconciling with his cheating wife and to raise the child he was not even sure it was his (a later DNA proved that it was his child). He cut off all contact with his FOO (family of origin) for he considered their actions as a betrayal as great as his then wife. He divorced her anyway.
> 
> You may not share the same blood but you are more a child of your in-laws than of your FOO. And the same could be said of your cheating husband being more a child of your FOO than his.


This sounds familiar. Who was the BH?


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> This sounds familiar. Who was the BH?


Sounds very familiar to me as well. I just can't recall the OP.


----------



## Carmen1414 (Jun 29, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Another thought... if it truly were a ONS, why would OW need or have his cell phone number?


He told me the whole story, and this woman seems like the type who pursues married men and considers every encounter with a married man to be a notch in her belt. She is a rep at a firm that his company used to work with who was attending the same conference as him. She knew he was married. She's divorced (probably because she's a shameless ****). He says that they met and exchanged numbers in the afternoon to discuss ideas on something related to their industry. She texted him that evening and asked if he could meet in the hotel lobby to discuss business and that one thing led to another from there. He originally told her that he was in town for another week, but he cut his trip short and came home after two days when his meetings in the latter half of the week were canceled. He didn't tell her that because he claims he had no intention of seeing her again after their encounter. Apparently she had other ideas, so she texted him thinking he was still in town. That's the text I stumbled upon.

But this woman is apparently so stupid that she texted him from her company cell phone whose number is listed on her firm's website. Just by Googling her number, I was able to find out who she was, where she worked, and what she looked like even before confronting my husband. This woman just looks like a **** in her pictures. Huge (probably fake) boobs, showing cleavage in every picture of hers that I dug up, even the one on her firm's website profile page. I'm considering contacting the head of her firm and telling him what kind of woman he has representing his company at conferences.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Carmen1414 said:


> He told me the whole story, and this woman seems like the type who pursues married men and considers every encounter with a married man to be a notch in her belt. She is a rep at a firm that his company used to work with who was attending the same conference as him. She knew he was married. She's divorced (probably because she's a shameless ****). He says that they met and exchanged numbers in the afternoon to discuss ideas on something related to their industry. She texted him that evening and asked if he could meet in the hotel lobby to discuss business and that one thing led to another from there. He originally told her that he was in town for another week, but he cut his trip short and came home after two days when his meetings in the latter half of the week were canceled. He didn't tell her that because he claims he had no intention of seeing her again after their encounter. Apparently she had other ideas, so she texted him thinking he was still in town. That's the text I stumbled upon.
> 
> But this woman is apparently so stupid that she texted him from her company cell phone whose number is listed on her firm's website. Just by Googling her number, I was able to find out who she was, where she worked, and what she looked like even before confronting my husband. This woman just looks like a **** in her pictures. Huge (probably fake) boobs, showing cleavage in every picture of hers that I dug up, even the one on her firm's website profile page. *I'm considering contacting the head of her firm and telling him what kind of woman he has representing his company at conferences.*












Fair warning, though... doing that may result in negative consequences for your husband from a work/career perspective. Not that I'm dissuading you or anything... LOL.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Carmen1414 said:


> I'm considering contacting the head of her firm and telling him what kind of woman he has representing his company at conferences.


This is precisely what you should do. And your WH's reaction to this would be a very good barometer to measure just how remorseful he truly is.


----------



## Carmen1414 (Jun 29, 2015)

3putt said:


> This is precisely what you should do. And your WH's reaction to this would be a very good barometer to measure just how remorseful he truly is.


That's a great point. I think I'll tell him that I plan on exposing this woman's misdeeds to her bosses and see his reaction. The industry that they're in is one in which funny business between service providers and their prospective clients is a potential career-killer, so I'm pretty sure there would be serious consequences for both of them. If he begs me not to do it, that's a huge red flag, no?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He will do it again. Make your decisions accordingly, and consider that when he does you may be 40 or 50 with kids. How much of your life do you want to waste?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Carmen1414 said:


> That's a great point. I think I'll tell him that I plan on exposing this woman's misdeeds to her bosses and see his reaction. The industry that they're in is one in which funny business between service providers and their prospective clients is a potential career-killer, so I'm pretty sure there would be serious consequences for both of them. If he begs me not to do it, that's a huge red flag, no?


No, no, no!

Don't ever tell, or even telegraph your moves. Using the football verbiage, you wouldn't tell the defense the play you're going to run before you run it, would you? You just run it and see what happens.

You don't care what happens to her, and why should you? Just do it and see what happens as it pertains to your life.

You'll get an answer to what you need no matter what.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

What your family thinks of his infidelity is irrelevant. The important thing is what YOU think. Do you want to go the rest of your marriage always wondering if what he's telling you is the truth, wondering what he's up to when he out of town, being unable to rely on him, etc? That's what his 'indiscretion' has done to the marriage. If he realizes this, and exhibits genuine remorse and works hard to earn your trust back, maybe there's a chance.

Ask him if he'll go to counselling, solo to figure out what character flaws permitted him to do this so he can overcome them, and marriage so he can learn what he has to do to earn back your trust. His answer will be your answer to what to do.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Another thought... if it truly were a ONS, why would OW need or have his cell phone number?


This is the first thing I thought of when I was reading her post.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Infidelity is traumatic, so I can't imagine the damage your father's numerous dalliances have had on your mom. This bad fiction that she has come to believe may be her way of coping.

It's probably been easier for her to accept that we are all "wired" differently and that men being unfaithful is commonplace, rather than face the unpleasant implications and harsh truths of her husband's adultery, and her (mistaken) belief that maybe his behaviour somehow reflects on her (it doesn't), that she may not have been (good) enough, or that she was to blame.

In no way should you accept the nonsense that your mom and sister are trying to peddle to you, because it is nonsense, seriously. It's so stupid.. like, how do two adults come to believe such stupidity. Anyways, you didn't enter your relationship and marriage with the idea that your partner would be unfaithful on occassion and fidelity is not something that you should have to compromise on.

You were right to kick him out. He has shown little remorse and the fact is that if you hadn't happened upon the message on his cell then you wouldn't have known about this. There's no way for you to trust that this hasn't happened before or could again because if he's careful enough than he won't be caught again.

Take some time to think on and process this whole thing but honestly, it'd probably be simpler to divorce him and move on now than it would be in the future with your life together more cemented and/or with children (or pets) involved.



Carmen1414 said:


> Plus, after having been with the same person my entire adult life, the idea of essentially starting over as a 30 year-old single woman seems scary and daunting.


You woudn't be starting over, it'd be a continuation of your life. You have an entire life ahead of you, you'll be alright.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

You are not required to follow in your family's footsteps. Do what makes you comfortable as this is your life and your marriage.


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Infidelity is traumatic, so I can't imagine the damage your father's numerous dalliances have had on your mom. This bad fiction that she has come to believe may be her way of coping.
> 
> It's probably been easier for her to accept that we are all "wired" differently and that men being unfaithful is commonplace, rather than face the unpleasant implications and harsh truths of her husband's adultery, and her (mistaken) belief that maybe his behaviour somehow reflects on her (it doesn't), that she may not have been (good) enough, or that she was to blame.
> .


The mother and sister's attitude toward your H;s infidelity reminded me a song we sang when I grow up. I come from a developing country where men were dominating women and women did not have any place or voice in the community. So the song said " a heart broken woman went to tell her mother "mom my husband has a concubine" and the mother responded quickly "it is normal every man has to have a concubine so now go back to your home you fool woman." Things have changed. They can even get a divorce now!.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Oh my God. I can't believe your Mom and Sister. I am so sorry. I can only think that telling you to accept this type of betrayal in your marriage somehow makes them feel better about what they have put up with.

No they are not right. How can you have a happy, secure life with a man you cannot trust? I also don't think this is the first time he has done this. Seriously - what are the odds that the ONE time he screws around you see the text message? (Of course, on the other hand, if he was a serial adulterer he might be more careful with his phone and text messages.)

As for your marriage -- This is a really hard situation because it sounds like you are happy aside from the minor issue of your husband F*cking other women. You could divorce him and end up with someone else you are not as good a match with. But you must respect yourself and you cannot just look the other way. If you want to repair your marriage your husband has to acknowledge that he understands the pain he has cause you and be 100% transparent where you have unfettered access to his phone, email, everything. And he needs to find a job that does not involve overnight travel. I'd also consider insisting he take a lie detector test about whether or not this was really the only one and if there is anything going on now or if he would do it again if he thought he could get away with it.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Carmen1414 said:


> I'm considering contacting the head of her firm and telling him what kind of woman he has representing his company at conferences.


You definitely should do this. I'd send a letter to the HR department and CC any high up officials whose names you can find. I think it's unlikely this was his first fling, but it is possible - This woman sounds like a predator. If she threw herself at him, he may have capitalized on the opportunity but would not be the type to pursue women.

I really recommend you insist on a polygraph test if you are to reconcile.

BTW, I saw you are 30. I don't think that is old for starting over. I don't recall if you have kids. I think I would be more inclined to fight for the marriage if I had children.

Good luck to you.


----------



## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Is she your older sister ?

If yes, maybe she was aware since an young age of your father's infidelities, and grow up finding it ok.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

3putt said:


> Sounds very familiar to me as well. I just can't recall the OP.


This sounds like old mittens to me. If so, he broke the OM's jaw when he confronted him.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If you are of christian faith, consider that the bible talks about the one reason for divorce - infidelity.

There are people that would say that you should forgive as a christian, that is totally up to you.

Don't be in a rush to make a decision. The statement your mom made about men is not correct for all men. Personally, I was on a business training trip, hadn't had sex with my wife for 4 months, was propositioned by someone I was in class with. I totally ignored that person from that point forward.

As others mentioned, when you say your vows, "You forsake all others". 

Your husband needs to do some serious heavy lifting. Begging for forgiveness and be totally transparent in all communication. He needs to realize that there will probably never again be a time you can look at him without some doubt in your mind.

He effectively killed your "unconditional love" for him.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I suspect this is not the first time he has done this (and based on what you have said so far, it may not be the last one). I agree with the posters here, let her bosses know about her antics. See your WH reaction. If he is not so remorseful, then that is a big flag, he probably thinks he is entitled somehow.

You ignore your mother and sister. What your mother did in acquiescing to your father's adultery was wrong and it doesn't mean you have to do the same thing. These are different times and you are young, financially independent and can marry a man who puts you first and treats you with respect.
Your husband saw an opportunity and took it, he may try and blame it on the character of the woman but that is absolutely no excuse. He is totally responsible for what he did. 

It all depends on whether :
1. He is remorseful and you can be assured he wont do it again
2. you are able to put what he did in the past without it coming back to haunt you
3. whether you feel you can really forgive him
4. Get yourself an IC to help you work through your feelings
5. see if MC would help both of you. If he doesn't see how damaging his actions have been then I would suggest you leave him. Some cheaters just don't get it and as time goes by
and there are more pressures on your marriage with family, commitments, etc, it is unlikely he will get better if he cannot get the fact that adultery causes deep pain to his wife.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Infidelity is traumatic, so I can't imagine the damage your father's numerous dalliances have had on your mom. This bad fiction that she has come to believe may be her way of coping.
> 
> It's probably been easier for her to accept that we are all "wired" differently and that men being unfaithful is commonplace, rather than face the unpleasant implications and harsh truths of her husband's adultery, and her (mistaken) belief that maybe his behaviour somehow reflects on her (it doesn't), that she may not have been (good) enough, or that she was to blame.
> 
> ...


Unless, of course, mom and sis are the cheaters?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Carmen1414 don't allow your family to guilt you into trying to reconcile with your WH like oldmittens' family did to him. He returned to his WW but could not overcome the resentment and sense of betrayal not just of his WW but of his own family. He finally left and filed for divorce.



alte Dame said:


> This sounds like old mittens to me. If so, he broke the OM's jaw when he confronted him.


Yes it was oldmittens. Sadly it looks like he deleted his original thread. But his profile states him as engaged so it looks like he has a new relationship for 2-4 years.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP, I am MORTIFIED at your family's view of this. 

Are you ready to be the fidelity police for the rest of your life with him? Because you will make yourself crazy checking his phone when he starts to act odd, checking his browser history, and all that comes with the suspicion he's stepping out on you again.

You are in the perfect position to leave. You're young and have no children. Have both of you been tested for STDs?

And yes, while OW is an immoral ho, frankly, your H is too. I see you blaming her way more than your H. He paints it as he was powerless in front of her. BS. 

RUN. The world is your oyster. I can't think of a better time to kick him to the curb. Let him cheat on someone else.


----------



## Carmen1414 (Jun 29, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your replies. If there's one thing that I'm fairly certain will keep my husband in line in the future, it's knowing how his own parents feel about his behavior. They have not spoken to him since he confessed to them and are very ashamed of him and his actions. In contrast to my own family, both my father-in-law and my mother-in-law told me that I shouldn't have to put up with infidelity (my husband's transgressions side, I honestly couldn't have asked for better in-laws). My husband adores his parents and I think he is very broken up about having lost their respect. But I have mixed emotions about that part of it. Shouldn't he be more upset about having lost my respect, since I'm the one he's married to, not his parents? On the other hand, should I just take the fact that he confessed to them (as opposed to making excuses or blaming me) and their shunning him over it as a sign of his sincerity and a powerful disincentive against stepping out again?

Someone mentioned that women in developing countries are expected to just accept their husbands' infidelity. One other bizarro aspect of this whole situation is that my family is Caucasian and from the US, whereas my husband's is from a very traditional Muslim country that doesn't exactly have the best reputation for women's rights. So my in-laws' reaction has been a pleasant surprise whereas my family's reaction has been disappointing.


----------



## Carmen1414 (Jun 29, 2015)

cgiles said:


> Is she your older sister ?
> 
> If yes, maybe she was aware since an young age of your father's infidelities, and grow up finding it ok.


She is in fact significantly older than me (13 years), so I think there's some family history that she's aware of and I'm not. I didn't talk to her after I talked to my mom, but I plan on asking her about my father's infidelity and my mom's reaction to it.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I HIGHLY doubt this was the first time. I have a friend who, after finding out about the first time, found out there had been at least 10 or 11 more (all on business trips). (Her H confessed to all of it and they are still married, going strong.....I only met her after all of this happened so I have no clue how difficult their journey was aside from her testimony about it she shared with a women's group at church and she forwarded to me in an email). 

Starting over at 30 is not old at all....you'd be fine, trust me.....


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Well said.
> 
> I know a guy that has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their marriage, and she's gotten to the point where she just puts up w/ it. It's like she's turned a blind eye to all of it and doesn't even care any more. They've got a couple of kids, and he provides a very nice lifestyle for all of them, so I'd imagine that has something to do w/ her decision to look the other way. (For now, at least...)
> 
> ...


Likewise, sir. This is what OP must consider. This could be her future.



3putt said:


> *Well damn, NC, you edited your post as I typed mine and made me look stupid*......
> 
> I guess we were thinking along the same lines though.


Not possible:grin2:



Carmen1414 said:


> That's a great point. I think I'll tell him that I plan on exposing this woman's misdeeds to her bosses and see his reaction. The industry that they're in is one in which funny business between service providers and their prospective clients is a potential career-killer, so I'm pretty sure there would be serious consequences for both of them. If he begs me not to do it, that's a huge red flag, no?


OP,
This is where you need to decide what it is that you truly want. If you are convinced that he is sincere then I see no reason to jeopardize his career and his ability to provide for his family. That would be likened to cutting off your nose to spite your face. He and the OW do not work at the same company.

How much collateral damage do you want this A to to cause? I do understand consequences but ones that negatively affect you I see as counterproductive. I also understand getting even with the OW but again, if exposing to her company would jeopardize your H's career I question the prudence of that. It was not his career that caused him to wander but rather a flaw in his character and as such, destroying his career will not permanently dissuade his tendencies in the future. His character must fortified to do that.

If, however, you are not inclined to R, then do what you must in order to feel vindicated and move on.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What really matters is the future, not the past and not your family's bizarre reaction.
I assume you want to have children in your marriage. Is this a man who deserves to be the father of your children? Is it safe for children to be given this man as a father? That's what you have to think about.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Carmen1414 said:


> ...my family is Caucasian and from the US, whereas my husband's is from a very traditional Muslim country that doesn't exactly have the best reputation for women's rights.


Ah. Well, this sort of explains his family's reaction -- he shamed them by getting caught.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Carmen1414 said:


> , "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can't." The expression on his face made it seem like he was sincere but he didn't think he deserved forgiveness.


All I'm going to say is I BEGGED on my hands and knees for my wife not to leave me and she did the cheating.. 

When I broke up with my Girlfriend again I repeat my GIRLFRIEND over a fight. I went back and begged for forgiveness. I knew I was wrong.. I was upset and too emotional.. So I went back and begged for her to understand.. 

Mind you we are broken up now, but that is over just different things dealing with how we raise our kids and such.. 

But when I was wrong and I knew I was wrong I did what I felt was right.. I showed remorse, I openly admitted my mistakes and shortcomings.. 

I fought for my marriage and for my wife even when she didn't want to.. 

Mind you hindsight being 20/20, I should have pushed my Ex wife out the door instead.. 

But the thing with G.F. I would do all over again.. 

There is no humility or humble or dignity when your looking to fix the most wrongs of wrongs.. You just suck it up and take the beating you deserve and look to fix the wrong doings.. If I cheated on my significant other I would expect to take a beating and have her have some triggers every so often.. I fvcked up and I deserve the lumps I take with it.. 

But knowing what I know and not from my EX wife experience, but from what pain my dad caused my mom.. I would NEVER EVER betray someone I loved.. 

If I wanted to fvck around I would divorce my wife and live a single life.. But I wouldn't do it behind her back, that is for sure.. 

I went away for several trips with my work and I was offered a few times.. I always refused or excused myself.. It was a badge of pride I had to wear privately and could never tell my EX wife, up until she cheated on me and then I was pissed I was doing the right thing all the time while she wasn't... 

Mind you this wasn't the first time I caught her cheating.. This was like the 4th time.. Just before hand I would catch her before they met.. But again who knows how many times in between I didn't catch her.

2 years later as hurt as I still might be, I am fvcking happy knowing I never have to worry about her doing this to me ever again.. That is a pain I never want to revisit.. But it took 2 years to realize it..

I would suggest you take your fvcking time and figure out what you want.. Love is bullsh!t and he has shown exactly how much bullsh!t it is.. You CANNOT live on love alone and you can't build a moral compass into someone that just doesn't have it.. This is something he should have learned long ago.. 

As was mentioned there was no fvcking reason for this woman to have his fvcking number.. And if you're not pissed, you fvcking should be.. 

He should feel like heaven and earth are gonna come crashing down on him. He should be worried that you're not fvcking his befriend or a co worker or the guy down the street that looks at you funny and he doesn't like it..


----------



## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

The decision to stay or go over this betrayal is totally up to you. Some people can accept a one time betrayal and some people can't. I suggest you take at least a month before making any final decision as you don't want to make life impacting decisions when your anger is stronger than any other emotion. 

I don't care about your family or his family reaction as it doesn't matter a bit. What matters is how YOU feel about it. Do you love him enough to try to work past this? Can you find a way to forgive him or is this a deal breaker? It's perfectly understandable if it is a deal breaker for you. 

You could likely get over this if you wanted to as many folks have. Trust will return to a degree but it will never be 100% anymore which sucks for you. 

Not having kids is a huge bonus in making the decision as it gives you way more freedom to start again if you want to as you could be totally rid of him forever if that is what you want. It also lets you decide if this is the man you want for the father of those future kids. 

It is a crappy situation no matter how you slice it but the statements I've read with people saying that he has probably cheated many times before or that you can never trust him again aren't necessarily true. Just because he was an idiot once does not necessarily mean it will happen again. There is nothing guaranteeing you that your next mate won't cheat either. Life is a risk so you do have to take your chances no matter what path you take. There are people that have accepted a mate back after a betrayal and have healed their marriage. 

If you love the man enough you might give him a chance to prove himself worthy of your love. If the betrayal is too big to consider forgiveness then just let him go. 

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Carmen1414 said:


> Thanks for your reply. The last time I spoke to him, we had a long 2-hour conversation and at the end of it, he basically said, "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can't." The expression on his face made it seem like he was sincere but he didn't think he deserved forgiveness. I can't get the image of his face and his tear-filled eyes when he said that to me out of my mind, which is why I want so badly to forgive him.
> 
> And then there's this shocking revelation from my family, who seem to think that there isn't even much to forgive. According to my mom and my sister, men are just wired differently from women. They are programmed to think with their little brains, and as long as they are good family men in every other respect and are discreet about their extracurricular activities, I should cut them some slack. My mom said that the sooner I accepted that, the happier my home life would be. I'm frankly taken aback by their views on this since they're both educated professionals with strong and outspoken personalities. I thought they would be the last people on earth to tolerate nonsense from their husbands.


I find it very odd that your mother would react to this as she has. I think your intentions are right for the situation and you should leave him. He betrayed your trust and if you can't have a marriage built on trust, it really doesn't exist.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think your comments about his parents are telling. He must know that they won't easily excuse him when he behaves terribly.

You are another story, however. He probably thinks that, by putting up with some upset from you now, things will blow over and the two of you can continue on. He is right, isn't he? And then he will know that if he does this to you, his only material consequence is that you are hurt and angry for a bit, but then your life together just continues on.

The mistake I see (esp.) women making is that they are far too quick to forgive. They throw the cheaters out for a few days, but then take them back because they love them and want to believe it was 'only one time,' and there is 'real remorse,' and 'he would never do this to me again.'

It's completely understandable that you want to push this behind you and have a happy marriage with a faithful husband again. The thing is, I doubt that he will learn the lesson he needs to learn unless you show him some real consequences.

In my opinion, you should make him leave indefinitely while you process what he has done. You should tell him that you are deciding how you feel about your future with him and that you will take time to do this. You should mean it, too.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Carmen1414 said:


> He came clean and he's remorseful, but he's not exactly begging for my forgiveness.


Then he's not remorseful. Think REALLY hard about this. Is he sorry he did this or is he just sorry he got caught. Understand the difference. The formal implies a willingness to work on the marriage the latter mean he'll just be more careful about cheating on you in the future.



Carmen1414 said:


> He claims it was a one-time lapse.


You know this isn't his first rodeo right? Rarely do men have a "one time" one night stand. Take it from a guy who knows other guys. On business trips, it's standard faire like complimentary happy hour and mileage points. A perk to look forward too.



Carmen1414 said:


> He's attractive, charismatic, and has a very strong sex drive, so I'm not confident that this won't happen again (or that this isn't the first time, despite his claims).


It will... He's a narcissist. What's stopping him? He's already done it before, its easy and you have no way of knowing. He just got sloppy because he's probably done it so much. He'll just be far more cautious next time.



Carmen1414 said:


> We have no kids and I have a good career, so I could theoretically walk away and never look back.


Plenty of women WISH they were in your shoes but are stuck. 30 (young), successful, attractive. You'll have NO problem moving on.



Carmen1414 said:


> On the other hand, he's been a great husband in every other respect.


Other than the whole sleeping with other women and disrespecting your vows thing huh? 

Look if he was groveling at your feet, choking on snot and tears, I'd say consider it. Consider there are other LOYAL men other there who would fall over themselves just to be with you. Why settle for a cheating POS who takes you for GRANTED? Life is too short and frankly you deserve better. Give yourself the self worth you deserve and BELIEVE THAT!


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Carmen1414 said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies. If there's one thing that I'm fairly certain will keep my husband in line in the future, it's knowing how his own parents feel about his behavior. They have not spoken to him since he confessed to them and are very ashamed of him and his actions. In contrast to my own family, both my father-in-law and my mother-in-law told me that I shouldn't have to put up with infidelity (my husband's transgressions side, I honestly couldn't have asked for better in-laws). My husband adores his parents and I think he is very broken up about having lost their respect. But I have mixed emotions about that part of it. Shouldn't he be more upset about having lost my respect, since I'm the one he's married to, not his parents? On the other hand, should I just take the fact that he confessed to them (as opposed to making excuses or blaming me) and their shunning him over it as a sign of his sincerity and a powerful disincentive against stepping out again?
> 
> Someone mentioned that women in developing countries are expected to just accept their husbands' infidelity. One other bizarro aspect of this whole situation is that my family is Caucasian and from the US, whereas my husband's is from a very traditional Muslim country that doesn't exactly have the best reputation for women's rights. *So my in-laws' reaction has been a pleasant surprise whereas my family's reaction has been disappointing*.


Well then that is where you stand on the issue, you would side with the perspective that a disloyal husband is not something you vowed to tolerate.

No kids? Divorce. The vows are meaningless at this point and your H has shown his true desires which are not devoted to his relationship with you.

And as for the OW, go ahead and expose it to her employer if you have the opportunity - it is right to hold people accountable for their actions, however the OW is not to blame for your H's betrayal of trust, that is entirely on him - he is the one that takes all the blame. And yes you are absolutely correct, it is your respect that he should place ahead of the respect of his parents.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Carmen1414,

How are things going with you? What did you decide in the end?


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Carmen sorry you are in this but i believe alte dame is correct that you have talked urself into staying. And the fact that he is not wailing and moaning says this is not his first rodeo and wont be his last. And his take it or leave it attitude says he knows it wont be so hard next time. The fact that ur mom is accepting is discouraging but she was probably in a far different circumstance. Your sister i find more worrysome. Either she has already accepted her own husbands cheating or she has something to gain from you staying with him. (perhaps she and him have some history or he has some prestige she benefits from being his sister in law) The facts are you will do what u want just dont be surprised if you go back and this happens again. Good luck


----------

