# Informing wife (separated for a year) of a new relationship



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Quick back story. We've been separated for almost a year. No chance of reconciliation. Will not be divorcing for a while for insurance, financial reasons, etc. All is cordial between us. We have two daughters.

I met a friend of my dads, at a wedding, the same weekend that I moved out of the house. (talk about a rough weekend...wedding the same time my marriage is falling apart) She's a friend of his and his wife who they've known for a long time. My kids met her at the wedding and have seen her a few times here and there. They really like her and know her as a friend of the family. Over the last year, we've spent a lot of time discussing my situation and hers. She had been going through a very similar process. She will be divorced very soon.

This has turned into what could be an actual relationship. We've gone out to lunch and spent an afternoon with both of our kids. Still under the idea of "family friends" 

My question is at what point do I tell my "wife" about the relationship? I wouldn't tell the kids that she's my girlfriend before I told her. I'd never have her sleep at my place with my kids there. 

Part of me feels like I don't need to tell her, but out of respect, I should. I'd want to know if my kids were spending time with her and another man. I'm just not sure when it is appropriate to mention it or how to go about it and it to come across as just information...not a rub your nose in it kind of deal. If that makes any sense.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

what do you REALLY have to gain by doing this?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I would tell her sooner rather than later. If your kids can speak it is only a matter of time before they mention your friend one too many times. It will be better if you tell her in a matter of fact way that you are seeing this friend. Tell he she has met the children but has been presented as a family friend and you won't have her spend the night while the kids are there unless/until things get serious.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You make it sound like it's going to be a big deal telling your wife.

Maybe she doesn't care nearly as much as you think she will?


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> what do you REALLY have to gain by doing this?


Absolutely nothing. Like I said, I don't care if she knows or not. I don't really want to tell her at all. I just feel it's the right thing to do if my kids are going to end up spending more time with this woman.

I'm torn.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Your kids will eventually do the informing. When they drop her name more than 3 times she will know.

If you are cool with that don't say anything.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Sandie said:


> You make it sound like it's going to be a big deal telling your wife.
> 
> Maybe she doesn't care nearly as much as you think she will?


She will probably not care one tiny bit. But will she care if she hears about this woman from my kids instead of me? I don't know. Was just wondering if anyone else has been through this and what their opinions are.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> Your kids will eventually do the informing. When they drop her name more than 3 times she will know.
> 
> If you are cool with that don't say anything.


She already knows the name. She's never met her, but knows of her. The kids talked about her even before I was involved with her. 

I'm completely cool with not talking about it. I wonder if it is the right thing to do though??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If things are cordial with your ex, then there's nothing wrong in telling her that you're seeing someone, especially if things are amicable. (If not, then don't bother.) She'll find out anyway, eventually, if she doesn't already know from someone else. I told my ex when I stated dating, and she told me, too.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Sandie said:


> You make it sound like it's going to be a big deal telling your wife.
> 
> Maybe she doesn't care nearly as much as you think she will?


This! There is no chance of reconciliation, so why do you care what she thinks? Maybe you shouldn't be dating quite yet?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

HCH said:


> She already knows the name. She's never met her, but knows of her. The kids talked about her even before I was involved with her.
> 
> I'm completely cool with not talking about it. I wonder if it is the right thing to do though??


It is hard to predict how she will respond. I have had a few friends go through this and it isn't easy when your Ex moves on. Sometimes feelings surface that you wouldn't have expected.

It doesn't mean she isn't over you. Sometimes just the thought that you are moving on sets off this panic. It sinks in that you are no longer an option (one of the things I have heard) It isn't always rational. You know her and your current relationship the best. I don't know the background.


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## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

toonaive said:


> This! There is no chance of reconciliation, so why do you care what she thinks? Maybe you shouldn't be dating quite yet?


Again, the only reason I consider it is because I'd want to know if my kids were hanging around some new guy in her life. Is it any of my business who she dates, no. But, if my kids are involved...yes!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

HCH said:


> Again, the only reason I consider it is because I'd want to know if my kids were hanging around some new guy in her life. Is it any of my business who she dates, no. But, if my kids are involved...yes!


There is your answer then, treat her as you wish to be treated.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> There is your answer then, treat her as you wish to be treated.


I like this answer. It applies as an answer to so many different "should I" questions.

Treat her as you'd like to be treated. If you'd want to know, then tell her. (And maybe mention the reason to her..."I'm telling you because the kids are involved and I'd want to know.")


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Spot on Kristin 2349


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Is the Separation attached to a filed MSA that grants you the legal right to go forward in a new relationship? 

Does the MSA establish, or by a separate court order for custody, the custody of your children?

If you answered no to either of those, then you could be in for an issue. If your "wife" decides she isn't happy with it and you don't have custody established and/or an MSA allowing you to act freely, she could very well file divorce and claim an affair to the marriage coupled with your leaving the home. Sometimes the most agreeable of people become vindictive when faced with reality in place of conjecture.


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