# Dilema



## newport428 (May 30, 2010)

Hi ,
I am new here. Looking for some advice.
I found out on Monday that my wife 
had at the very least an emotioal affair. She swears that it was nothing more. I choose to belive her. After the knee jerk emotions and reactions subsided I was able to take a hard look at myself to see what I may have done to cause her to look elsewhere for what she needed. I have made a commitmant to myself and her to work on myself and the things that I can change about myself. ie..tell her that I love her, help out more and talk just be her freind something that some how I have neglected unintentioanally. She has responded immeadiatly and while I have no illusions that we are "OK" I feel that we are moving in the right direction.:smthumbup:
My current problem is that I have shared my feelings about how I feel about her continuing to talk to this person she is strongly defending her right to talk to whom ever she wants. She revealed that she has long felt that I am controlling and that this is one of our problems. While I dont disagree that this was an issue early in our marriage I can not think of anything (except the recent indisgression) where I have tried to control what she does or who she talks to. A main part of her argument is that she was childhood freinds with this person and they have recently reconnected after approx 20 years. I am trying to understand how she feels but at the same time I feel that once lines are crossed/blurred that nothing good can come from the continuing to talk. I am not so nieve to think that just because she says she is not talking to him via things that I can monitor txt email facebook etc. That they cannot find other ways to communicate without my knowledge.
I want our marriage to work, I love her very much and am trying to change myself for the better. My question is do I stand firm on my insistance that she stop talking with this person or should I give her the green light and hope for the best as I continue work on my own short comings. I feel like I would be inviting trouble in to my marriage if I do but am commited to doing what is best for us and our family. Any advice will be greatly appriciated.
--D :scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You just have to phrase what you are asking so that it doesnt come off as controlling. Instead of telling her who she can talk to, tell her how you feel when she talks to this person and what you are going to do to project yourself. Its called boundaries. but if all you do is continually tell her she cant talk to the guy she'll be defensive. try telling her how you feel about it. try telling her how you think it will affect your marriage. you dont even necessarily have to tell her what you're going to do if she keeps talking to the guy because that might come off as you being manipulative. Tell her how you feel, but do take care of your own boundaries. You might need to emotionally back away from her if she keeps talking to this guy.


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## newport428 (May 30, 2010)

Thanks for the advice!
I read another post about the "boundries thing" While it make perfect sense in alot of ways it can also come off as an ultimatium.
I am thinking about dropping it for a while and revisiting it at a later date as many things have been very encouraging this week....I am not actively looking to derail any progress.... quite the opposite.....I dont know if I can ever emotioally detach as her and my kids mean everything to me. Funny that the things you need instructions for the most dont come with them!

--D


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Don't emotionally detach. Engage! Do you hug her a couple times a day (non-sexually?) Do you just listen to her problems without butting in? This guy is giving her something you are not. You need to find out what this something is before she takes the next step. Can you give her what she needs? You want to keep her to yourself. Dinner and (slow) Dancing. This is a project. Keep your focus.


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## newport428 (May 30, 2010)

Trust me my eyes are wide open! 
I have never been so focused as I am right now. Again my dilema is: 
Do I restate the hurt I feel when she talks with him and ask that she doesnt 
OR 
Do I try and be ok with her talking with him as she as assured me nothing is going on. 
After what I read I am not sure I can belive it but want in the worst way to trust her (She has never given me any other reason not to and is probally the most brutally honest person I know)
I know that there was somthing missing and am trying to figure that out but this problem weighs on my mind as I try to move forward. I feel if I can resolve this some way it would be a huge leap in the right direction but at the same time I don't want to force anything.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hi. Broken-record Cody here (since records haven't been around in 20 years, does anyone know what that means anymore?). Google "Walkaway Wife Syndrome". It's BS Oprah type pop psychology, but there's a lot of truth to it. Even if you change, your wife will always think back to the bad husband that you were. 

I just found out that my wife, who sleeps beside me every night, has been "gone" for 15 years. She ain't coming back.


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## newport428 (May 30, 2010)

Cody,
I appriciate the input . While I see some similairities in what you are talking about... I am not ready to give up on my wife! 
My thoughts are she didnt give up on me until recently ....I owe her an honest effort to try and make things right. If after everything is said and done and If she still wants to call it quits then I will have no choice but to accept. Until then I am just looking for some advice on how I should handle what I see as the current obsticle. Again there have been some huge signs of improvement after I made some small changes I prefer to keep that going.
--D


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

The Walkaway Wife Syndrome may be my situation too. The only positive thing I take away from WWS is that once the husband is out of his dazed state he is very willing to do what he needs to do. My wife said she was waiting for my son to graduate before she would leave me. Don't these women tell their spouses that their marriage is in trouble? They comment about most other things that bother them. Why? Why?
You want her to be as truthful as possible given the circumstances. Trust your instincts. But do not trust your first reaction. Don't even talk if you don't have to. Seek marriage counselling now. And I mean today not tomorrow. She will likely agree to go as long as it is not about discussing this friend. The majority of people on this forum will probably agree that the counselling you need now is not to problem solve. It is to find out what needs she has that you need to meet. She will likely lie to the therapist about the affair. Don't confront her about the affair unless you can prove it. What good would it do now?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Definitely stick to your guns about her not being in contact with this guy. Her staying in touch with this guy is akin to someone who successfully completed alcohol rehab having a drink every now and then. She's leaving that door open because she still has feelings and is lying to herself and you by saying otherwise.


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