# How to cope with jealousy



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

Hi, 

First time poster, long time reader and absorber of so much good advice and information. 

My question doesn't have to do directly with infidelity because there isn't any going on however when the missus goes on trips, which she does once or twice a year I am at home being eaten up by images and thoughts of what she might be doing, this could be as minor as her wearing a bikini or revealing sundress or as painful as her getting together with someone. this coming more from my imagination and low self esteem than anything she has done. This has gotten us into a few minor arguments upon her return when I pepper her with questions that clearly have an accusatory or " questioning her honesty " undertone. My question is do you think I should just suppress my feelings, don't ask questions and swallow my jealous feelings until time passes and I forget about them or, and this is my thinking about a new approach, do I ask, without accusation and with full disclosure that the questions are to calm my jealousy, for her to tell me everything that happened, even if I don't want to hear some of it but at least I can address it head on and move forward. Just to add some background: my wife is loyal and 100% trustworthy, in our 5 years marriage she has never given me any reason to doubt that. She is very attractive and people hit on her a lot, she is not a flirt but she is friendly and strikes up non sexual friendships with people usually guys. I know that some of those people had a chance they would jump in no question. I'm a guy so I know how the male mind works. 

Anyway, this turned into a bit of a ramble. The main question is does knowing help to eliminate jealous thoughts vs speculating and as a second question: I hate these jealous feelings, what is a broader method for dealing with them. 

Thanks, 

ERAMOSA

Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think suppression is ever the answer. Tell her everything you have told us, just as transparently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

What is the purpose of the trips?
How long is she gone?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do you think peppering her with questions will prevent her from cheating? Either you trust her or you don't. 

That level of insecurity is unattractive.

Her developing friendships with mostly men is problematic though. That suggests someone who likes a lot of male attention and doesn't want to compete with other women. Have you told her that this is inappropriate? How would she feel if you had lots of "platonic" friendships with women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

What happens when you return from your trips? 

Do you get peppered with questions? 

Have you ever just not hit her up with tons of questions? Many women, my wife included, will gladly- without prompting- give you a blow by blow of their experiences just because they want to share with you.

For exampke...my farher in law and i sent my wife, her sister and mother on a cruise as a chrstmas gift. It was only a week....but hell, when she got back, i got so many stories of what she did...it could have been a month long trip. All I asked was if they had fun....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> It was only a week....but hell, when she got back, i got so many stories of what she did...it could have been a month long trip. *All I asked was if they had fun*....


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Eramosa said:


> Hi,
> my wife is loyal and 100% trustworthy, in our 5 years marriage she has never given me any reason to doubt that. She is very attractive and people hit on her a lot, she is not a flirt but she is friendly and strikes up non sexual friendships with people usually guys


E,

You post your concerns on a infidelity forum... Red flag.

Your wife is beautiful and strikes up friendships with other men... Red flag.

She travels alone... Red flag.

A decade ago I was in the same boat. No way she would cheat. Just my imagination? Hardly.

I'm not saying your wife is cheating on you, but you are here because you suspect. Do not not not confront. Shut up yesterday. Ears eyes only.

You want confirmation, you are going to have to find it on your own, if you confront she will deny and be pissed if she isn't and deny and be wary if she is.


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

Life'stoshort: you are right peppering w q's is won't prevent anything but I honestly don't think she is cheating. I also agree that insecurity is unattractive. And I can see that in her face when I am having doubts. She would love to have woman freinds as well. My wife is a very strong willed person with very secure beliefs and convictions. She does have woman freinds who also fit this description but I think. A lot of women are also perhaps put off by this. Men on the other hand are attracted to it. Also I don't want to over state it, she has a handdull of close woman freinds and a couple of male freinds. She also doesn't seek it out, they are drawn to her and more often than not she rebuffs them or ignores them. She doesn't suffer fools gladly. 

Married dude:

Again, my wife has confidence in spades and if I am away she is happy to hear about the trip, never questions my infidelity. She wouldn't, we're very loyal. It's my issue alone. If she tells me that she bumped into so and so today my mind goes right to "OMG what went on..." reality is nothing and my lack of trust/ judgement and esteem is starting to affect. Things. At least in me. I think I need to " grow a pair" and just man up but not sure how to do that. It's a way of life, not just a flick of a switch. 

Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

TDSC60: we have a cottage compound that is more like a community. We go often in the summer, sometimes work prevents me from going sometimes it prevents her. Usually we re there together. 

Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Eramosa said:


> My question is do you think I should just suppress my feelings, don't ask questions and swallow my jealous feelings until time passes and I forget about them or, and this is my thinking about a new approach, do I ask, without accusation and with full disclosure that the questions are to calm my jealousy, for her to tell me everything that happened, even if I don't want to hear some of it but at least I can address it head on and move forward.


Neither 



Eramosa said:


> I hate these jealous feelings, what is a broader method for dealing with them.


Seek individual counseling to help you deal with your insecurity and feelings of irrational jealousy.

Sent from mobile using Tapatalk


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

Lila, I agree with you. It's a big step to do that and I've probably needed it for all sort of reasons for a number of years. I suppose I have to start looking at this option seriously. 

Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Eramosa said:


> Lila, I agree with you. It's a big step to do that and I've probably needed it for all sort of reasons for a number of years. I suppose I have to start looking at this option seriously.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


Jealousy is known as the green eyed monster for a reason. Warranted jealousy can be a good thing. Unwarranted or irrational jealousy is an obsession and can completely overwhelm your life. A good therapist will help you get to the bottom of why your mind goes straight to that emotion.

Good luck. 

Sent from mobile using Tapatalk


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Eramosa my man, let me give you the lowdown on women's friendship with men. Women like friendships with men because they are more fun to be around and less stressful than friendships with other women. Its like the old joke about a major difference between men and women. A man can go to a party and see another man wearing the same outfit and they can still be friends.
Men, on the other hand often try to be friends with women they find attractive because they falsely believe they can turn that friendship into a road to a sexual relationship. Sometimes it can happen if the woman is already open to a sexual relationship. But just because a woman likes you doesn't mean she will sleep with you.
The main thing you need to do, and be concerned about if you can't do it, is making sure your old lady maintains a high romantic interest in you. You do that by being a challenge, confident, somewhat of a bad boy and a mystery. Not by being Inspector Clouseau. Your jealousy is anti-challenge.
In my years of experience, I've never seen a woman involved in an affair that thought her husband was the cat's pajamas. They may be out there, but I've never seen them.


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Eramosa my man, let me give you the lowdown on women's friendship with men. Women like friendships with men because they are more fun to be around and less stressful than friendships with other women. Its like the old joke about a major difference between men and women. A man can go to a party and see another man wearing the same outfit and they can still be friends.
> Men, on the other hand often try to be friends with women they find attractive because they falsely believe they can turn that friendship into a road to a sexual relationship. Sometimes it can happen if the woman is already open to a sexual relationship. But just because a woman likes you doesn't mean she will sleep with you.
> The main thing you need to do, and be concerned about if you can't do it, is making sure your old lady maintains a high romantic interest in you. You do that by being a challenge, confident, somewhat of a bad boy and a mystery. Not by being Inspector Clouseau. Your jealousy is anti-challenge.
> In my years of experience, I've never seen a woman involved in an affair that thought her husband was the cat's pajamas. They may be out there, but I've never seen them.


Very good explanation. And I'm ok with the friendships. So you are leaning to the idea of no questioning and deal with my issues in my own way. Not through 20 questions? Makes sense once it's said out loud. The reason for the questions are Because I feel I would like to know what contact she had with people, part of my insecurity is being imasculated. In my mind this is by wondering if other people know something I don't, me wandering into a crowd and being friendly with the very people who are stabbing me in The back. I think I'm kind of crazy and need to talk this out with someone professional. As was suggested above. 


Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Eramosa, please don't hide from her. Your wife knows you and loves you. She already knows you are insecure. Putting your insecurities out there, on the table in front of both of you, is the best way for her to understand and, I hope, reassure you.

The counseling is an excellent idea. But that does not preclude initiating the transparency with your wife that I am talking about.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I've been trying to figure out how to reply to this without sounding full of myself. Ultimately I'm a big dork!!! Trust me on this!!!:grin2:

My reaction from men is exactly as you describe your wife. I'm a very friendly person, and my personality etc appearantly draws others to me. Both sexes, but probably more men than women. I attribute that to whoever said that men probably view it as a shot to get me in the sack. Not gonna happen, as in...ever. A gazillion men have hit on me, and their advances fall on deaf ears and are invisible to my heart.

Let me give you an example that might help ease your mind about your wife. I had a guy a couple months ago start out visiting with me in public, (normal, I'm used to this from men and women) we got to talking about work, and he asked for my card (which has both mine and my husbands name on it). At this point I had no clue he was hot for my bod. I fully discussed that I was there with my hubby on vacation etc. Not only did he try to reach in and kiss me that night (OMG!) but after I shut him down completely, he texted and called until I blocked him on everything. 

Now this guy was "my type"...talk, dark and handsome. It doesn't matter....I love my husband. If a dude fell in front of me that was straight out of my dream world, dripping with puppies and cash while I was off my a$$ sloshed, still nothing would happen. I have a one track love mind, and it ends at Mr. Spicy.

Honey, she married you. She sounds like she is a lovely woman of excellent character. I think you have very little to worry about. She's yours, and it sounds like she has every plan of staying that way. Continue to take good care of her (as she does of you). 

I agree with the posters that said you should tell her your feelings. In a great relationship, that will only make it stronger. I don't buy into the crap that if you share how you are feeling, suddenly she will think your some big wussy and not want you anymore. This isn't first grade. You are grown adults, in love, and in he bonds of marriage. Tell her how you feel, let her ease your mind, and have the chance to be more mindful of her own actions that might upset you.

I wish you the best in your life with your beautiful wife.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Eramosa said:


> So you are leaning to the idea of no questioning and deal with my issues in my own way.


Here's the thing Dawg, just because you ask the questions don't mean youre getting a straight answer. So "interrogating" her is not likely going to mean a hell of a lot. On top of that, it really doesn't put your mind a ease knowing deep down folks often tell you what you want to hear. 
A lot more reliable than her answers to your questioning are clues from changes in her behavior, ( moodiness, a sense that she'd rather be someplace else, cold and ambivalent treatment, not much enthusiasm about spending time with you and the dreaded decrease in sexual desire.) When a woman is diddling with another man two things are prevalent, 1. Her romantic interest in you is gone. 2. She cannot hid it very long. 
Remember to that the same thing that attracted her to you is the same thing that's going to keep her long term. You probably wasn't questioning her loyalty way back when. Quit worrying about it my man. If she's going to f over you, jealousy ain't going to stop it and you'll find out about it soon enough. In the mean time, show her how much you missed her while she was gone.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell us about your childhood: parents, family of origin, traumas...

We are pretty good at armchair analysis when we put our collective skulls together.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Eramosa said:


> The reason for the questions are Because I feel I would like to know what contact she had with people, part of my insecurity is being imasculated. In my mind this is by wondering if other people know something I don't, me wandering into a crowd and being friendly with the very people who are stabbing me in The back. I think I'm kind of crazy and need to talk this out with someone professional. As was suggested above.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


 You're not alone in having these feelings, I do also, but not without reason.Sounds like you have yet to find a reason to be jealous. I'm very interested in how you deal with this. I am getting better at coming to grips with this myself but still have triggers that send me back to square one. Reconciling these feelings of jealousy/ suspicion with your gut feelings can cause some serious doubt in trusting your gut.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jealousy stems from fear. Perhaps you fear losing your wife, in general. Perhaps you fear that you are not ''good enough'' for her, and it has little to do with her being faithful or not. If you were married to someone else, you'd still feel this way, most likely...jealousy isn't dependent on your wife, it's something that has to do with you. If you think about why you have this fear in your relationship, you will be able to conquer your jealousy, or at least get it to where it doesn't eat away at you.


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

JLD and Spicy, thanks for you thought-out responses. I believe you are touching on the true issues. I really don't suspect infidelity, perhaps this thread would have been better off in a more philosophical forum but I wasn't sure how it was going to come out when I began typing.

Thanks for taking the time to look at it thoughtfully.


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You're not alone in having these feelings, I do also, but not without reason.Sounds like you have yet to find a reason to be jealous. I'm very interested in how you deal with this. I am getting better at coming to grips with this myself but still have triggers that send me back to square one. Reconciling these feelings of jealousy/ suspicion with your gut feelings can cause some serious doubt in trusting your gut.


Rubix,

Happy to keep you up dated. I think this will be the beginning of a journey for me, one of a few that I've had this year. I don't like when i feel this way, I know I look pathetic, it undermines our trust and generally makes me feel like sh*t. Also, due to the circumstances its not going away so if I want to lead a happier life I better damn well get started.


----------



## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I've been trying to figure out how to reply to this without sounding full of myself. Ultimately I'm a big dork!!! Trust me on this!!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is why a married woman can never have a male as a friend. A man will always try to be romantic with a woman and is often sexually attracted that can create an imbalance. And don't tell me that you didn't like the attention of this handsome guy! Women love to be close and intamate. There is nothing more exciting then being with a new friend and getting to know him/her. So is being close with another nice man/woman you like, fair on your husband/wife?


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Eramosa said:


> I think this will be the beginning of a journey for me, one of a few that I've had this year. I don't like when i feel this way, I know I look pathetic, it undermines our trust and generally makes me feel like sh*t. Also, due to the circumstances its not going away so if I want to lead a happier life I better damn well get started.


Being aware is the first step in fixing a problem. 

Your feeling insecure. There are lots of possible causes, a few that pop to mind:

- You feel unworthy (that your not as attractive or desirable as she is and she will find someone better). 
- You have seen a few red flags of infidelity but ignored them but the seeds of doubt have been planted.
- You yourself have cheated and are now projecting you actions onto your wife as a way of coping with guilt. 

Based on your descriptions the first (or something along those lines) seems the most likely. As others have already said, counselling would be a great value here. 

You should also stop interrogating your wife. You are correct in that it's unattractive, it's also ineffective. If she is blurring boundaries she'll never admit it to you, if she isn't she will start resenting the suspicions. 

The truth eventually surfaces. So, don't worry, question and obsess. Keep your eyes open and pay attention. Secrets rarely stay secret for long.


----------



## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I've been trying to figure out how to reply to this without sounding full of myself. Ultimately I'm a big dork!!! Trust me on this!!!:grin2:
> 
> My reaction from men is exactly as you describe your wife. I'm a very friendly person, and my personality etc appearantly draws others to me. Both sexes, but probably more men than women. I attribute that to whoever said that men probably view it as a shot to get me in the sack. Not gonna happen, as in...ever. A gazillion men have hit on me, and their advances fall on deaf ears and are invisible to my heart.
> 
> ...


You ladies never see it coming. "Oh, he's not like that, he's a nice guy." "He's like a brother." blah blah blah. Want to always be a safe partner for hubby? Assume every human male of every age that you come into contact with for any length of time and for any reason wants to get in your pants. Why should you assume that? Because they do. Even the ones that won't go there because they're married still want to. They'll just use it later as a fantasy with the wife or their own "alone" time. Don't think ill of the men for it. It's how nature wired them. If we were wired like the ladies, the human race would have gone extinct thousands of years ago. If the ladies were wired like us, we would have over-populated the planet to the point where life was unsustainable. It's a balance. Still, never get too comfortable with the guys because they all want to get in your pants. Even your priest and all your father's friends, hubby's friends, your boss, all of them.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

LucasJackson said:


> You ladies never see it coming. "Oh, he's not like that, he's a nice guy." "He's like a brother." blah blah blah. Want to always be a safe partner for hubby? Assume every human male of every age that you come into contact with for any length of time and for any reason wants to get in your pants. Why should you assume that? Because they do. Even the ones that won't go there because they're married still want to. They'll just use it later as a fantasy with the wife or their own "alone" time. Don't think ill of the men for it. It's how nature wired them. If we were wired like the ladies, the human race would have gone extinct thousands of years ago. If the ladies were wired like us, we would have over-populated the planet to the point where life was unsustainable. It's a balance. Still, never get too comfortable with the guys because they all want to get in your pants. Even your priest and all your father's friends, hubby's friends, your boss, all of them.


----------



## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

LucasJackson said:


> You ladies never see it coming. "Oh, he's not like that, he's a nice guy." "He's like a brother." blah blah blah. Want to always be a safe partner for hubby? Assume every human male of every age that you come into contact with for any length of time and for any reason wants to get in your pants. Why should you assume that? Because they do. Even the ones that won't go there because they're married still want to. They'll just use it later as a fantasy with the wife or their own "alone" time. Don't think ill of the men for it. It's how nature wired them. If we were wired like the ladies, the human race would have gone extinct thousands of years ago. If the ladies were wired like us, we would have over-populated the planet to the point where life was unsustainable. It's a balance. Still, never get too comfortable with the guys because they all want to get in your pants. Even your priest and all your father's friends, hubby's friends, your boss, all of them.


This so much. I never could understand why people think it's safe or okay for a married woman to have guy friends! I can see mutual friends that both are in contact with and communicate with but never fail to believe that given the chance that same friend (man) will bang your wife while to go on a beer run if she is willing. The best way to avoid it is by not having it or deeply securing your marriage. The minute something goes wrong in the relationship, she doesnt have to go looking. The man is already there and established himself. Good luck!

Who needs a signature?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

From when Harry Met Sally - 

Harry: You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.


----------



## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

Wow, lots of thoughts and options here. Thank you all for taking the time to contribute. I will keep this conversation going as it moves along, some of you will be pleased to hear ( some probably not so much) that I have made an appointment with a therapist to start discussing these issues that I have. I'm hoping it will be helpful. Once I get started I will post an update. Otherwise home life is as if nothing happened. I've taken the advise to not bring it up... For now. It's been back to work and a busy week so hasn't been the right time anyway. There are a couple nagging questions I have that I may just have to ask. I'll let you know if anything comes of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Jealousy is going to happen regardless of external triggers if you are insecure.

Work on yourself. It's not a matter of what you think you know about what she's doing and who she's doing it with.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Isn't this like dealing with your "rational mind".. I mean you outright said your wife is *100% trustworthy*... why can't your brain accept this.. why the struggle with this ....sure other men are going to be LOOKING and desiring an attractive woman.. but again.. You said.. *Your wife is 100% trustworthy*, she's never given you any reason to distrust ... so which is paramount on your brain...

Unless you feel she is putting herself in a vulnerable position where a man can attack her - that is another animal. 

The mindset needs changed.. but trying to "stuff" with the same revolving thoughts is not going to do it... Why are you insecure, do you not trust that you are her #1 priority.. has she kept secrets from you.. anything?

I feel if a happily married couple is wholly & willingly transparent with each other about their outings.. this is comforting...it's also great for some entertaining stories . bringing you closer together even....I have not found that sharing like this is a bad thing.. but more a positive...

I know for myself & husband... if we are separated.. we willingly share any conversations we had out & about.. most especially if the opposite sex was involved !.. neither of us has ever felt jealousy over this ...it comes back to that rational trust.. he trusts me 100%... I trust him 100%...he's never given me any reason to doubt.. and he would say the same of me..

How much history is there between the 2 of you? If you have a lifetime of faithfulness, if things are good in your marriage.. this, again.. should be comforting.. You may need to remind yourself of these things to alleviate this nagging fear that is clinging to you...


----------

