# My husband is snarky, irritable, critical and disrespectful.



## christmas

I love my husband so, so much, but his negative attitude and mean behavior can be too much for me. Here is a background on things:

My husband and I have been together for nearly five years. We are both in our mid-twenties. We have been inseparable since day one and still have a wonderful, loving connection. We are both very smart and also care about making the relationship better.

He can be very loving and really is always very attuned to my emotions and generally feels very concerned about my happiness. However, he has this unusual nature about him that I can only begin to sum up by listing the following qualities:

*- He is very, very critical and judgemental of others. While he does focus some of this on me, it seems to come at everyone equally. *

Example: He often tells others, including me, how to do "this" and "that" and how we should be a certain way. It seems to come from a know-it-all type of attitude. He often gets into heated arguments with his mother about things as trivial as household electronics and how to use them (she approaches them with caution because she's older, and he approaches them with attitude, because he's a tech junkie)

*- He can be extremely irritable. *

Example: There was a fly at a restaurant the other day and it buzzed around him a handful of times. He got this look of anger and disgust and didn't seem to be able to get over it. He wanted to leave. I didn't think it was a big deal at all. He gets that irritable scowl very often in similar situations. Honestly, I think it's extremely childish.
*
- He is snarky and razor-tongued. This behavior is particularly hurtful when he turns it on me.* 

Example: I was working on organizing around the house the other day, mixed with breaks where I was working on work-related stuff for my business. He was aware of my activities and knew I was spending my time on important, legitimate stuff. When I went to see him off in the evening when he left for a work-related engagement that we both would ordinarily attend, I said "sorry I can't join you, I just want to get things done around here" and he replied, "Well just make sure you do", which just seemed really snarky considering that I was working on the stuff all day. He also just makes snide little comments toward me and anyone else that he disagrees with. Often times it has to do with food. 

Second example: His parents will ask us to go to dinner at some place that he isn't in the mood for. He will make comments about how unhealthy the food is, but if he had been in the mood for it, of course he wouldn't comment.

*- He is hypocritical and holds double standards. *

Example: He is very, very hard on me for being messy. Admittedly, I am moderately messy, but it's usually only in times of transition where I'm trying to find places for things, like the handful of times we've moved. We have moved four times in the five years we've been together. At the same time he criticizes me about mess, his clothes are strewn about, and if he takes his pants off, they stay right where they landed in the first place. 

Example: If I bake cookies, he will eat like 8 of them in a row, in one sitting. He then gives me a hard time if I want to get some Taco Bell late at night if I haven't eaten much during the day. However, of course if he's the one in the mood for Taco Bell, he won't say anything about it.

*- He is disrespectful by default.* He tends to think that others aren't smart or worthy of his respect, so he automatically discounts their opinions, talks over them, preaches to them, etc.

Anyway, he just has kind of a mean-spiritedness about him in these instances. I try to make sure that I'm not just being overly-sensitive, and I think I'm correct. He is very audacious and outspoken as well. Again, I love him so much for all of his good qualities, including intelligence, commitment, loyalty, ethics and values, sense of humor, but the bad qualities are just so glaring and frustrating to deal with. He even has a gentleness about him in that he loves animals and babies and he seems to care abstractly about humanity, but when it comes to people in real life he can be so unforgiving.


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## BleepingFamily

Hey Christmas,
(you gotta love Christmas lol). You have been together for 5 years...that's exactly the right time when you start to see the REAL him, once you kinda fall off the initial romance. My question is: are you sure he wasn't like that before?
Can you ask your relatives to give you an honest opinion?

My thought is: if he wasn't like this before and people around you say they too noticed a change, then you have to have a plan B and go hard on him so he will change. Challenge him and push a little to see where it comes from.
If he was like this before (ask your friends-relatives), then...you have to evaluate if you still wanna stay with him (now that you are starting to open your eyes).
See the fact is most of us when we enter a relationship we only see the good stuff, and we kinda disregard the bad stuff. Then the dab stuff hits at some point, and relationships are being re-evaluated.

From a grumpy guy: when guys are irritable it's because of money, stress or relationships. Or a combination of those. 90% times its money lol.

Good luck!

Mike


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## greeneyeddolphin

So many of those sound exactly like my ex. I ended up leaving when he added mental abuse to the mix, but honestly, I'm not sure I would have stayed anyway. I would have found those qualities very difficult, if not impossible to deal with. 

What do you do when he does these things? Do you just sit there and take it or do you tell him you don't like it? I have to wonder if you stood up to him, if that might shock him and maybe stop treating you this way. I'm not sure it'd do anything for the way he treats others (unless they stand up to him, too) but he'd stop treating you that way, at least. 

Honestly, though, I'd have a really hard time being with someone who treats other people that way, even if he treated me like a queen. I'd probably give him a chance to try to change how he treats people, but if he wouldn't or didn't, I don't think I'd stay.


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## christmas

BleepingFamily said:


> Hey Christmas,
> (you gotta love Christmas lol). You have been together for 5 years...that's exactly the right time when you start to see the REAL him, once you kinda fall off the initial romance. My question is: are you sure he wasn't like that before?
> Can you ask your relatives to give you an honest opinion?
> 
> My thought is: if he wasn't like this before and people around you say they too noticed a change, then you have to have a plan B and go hard on him so he will change. Challenge him and push a little to see where it comes from.
> If he was like this before (ask your friends-relatives), then...you have to evaluate if you still wanna stay with him (now that you are starting to open your eyes).
> See the fact is most of us when we enter a relationship we only see the good stuff, and we kinda disregard the bad stuff. Then the dab stuff hits at some point, and relationships are being re-evaluated.
> 
> From a grumpy guy: when guys are irritable it's because of money, stress or relationships. Or a combination of those. 90% times its money lol.
> 
> Good luck!
> 
> Mike



Thanks for your input, Mike. He has always been "this way", according to his mother  I think that he was always grumpy and it just stopped for a while when we first got together. His mother tells me that he is "so much better than he ever was" now that he's with me.

I do think that a lot of his grumpiness has to do with money (and resulting stress). However, he is also very self-righteous and thinks he knows the 100% absolute best way to do anything ever. He gets really annoyed when people don't take his advice or concede his points.


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## christmas

greeneyeddolphin said:


> So many of those sound exactly like my ex. I ended up leaving when he added mental abuse to the mix, but honestly, I'm not sure I would have stayed anyway. I would have found those qualities very difficult, if not impossible to deal with.
> 
> What do you do when he does these things? Do you just sit there and take it or do you tell him you don't like it? I have to wonder if you stood up to him, if that might shock him and maybe stop treating you this way. I'm not sure it'd do anything for the way he treats others (unless they stand up to him, too) but he'd stop treating you that way, at least.
> 
> Honestly, though, I'd have a really hard time being with someone who treats other people that way, even if he treated me like a queen. I'd probably give him a chance to try to change how he treats people, but if he wouldn't or didn't, I don't think I'd stay.


I definitely do stand up to him. I am very strong-minded myself, however I never ever try and force people to listen to me, unless I am defending myself. He forces people to listen to him when he's aggressively barking his opinions at them. It's pretty hard to watch. I do tell him often that I wish he would "lighten up", not for the sake of other people any more than for his own sake...he will enjoy life more. I can't imagine going through life so annoyed and mad at people all the time.

I'm trying to at least be a good influence on him as much as I can. I can't figure out where this attitude comes from, though...he had a great upbringing, easy childhood, easy life...I personally think he might be resentful and angry due to his own self-esteem issues. Maybe if I try and help him feel better about himself...

It's hard because it's not a deal-breaker. Our relationship is very strong and there has never been any question that we want to be with eachother forever. But, he just needs to kind of man up and be more mature. Hopefully a mixture of time, efforts to make enough money so he's not stressed and a boost of his self-esteem will calm it down.


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## Jamison

Well on one hand you say:

"and still have a wonderful, loving connection. We are both very smart and also care about making the relationship better."

"He can be very loving and really is always very attuned to my emotions and generally feels very concerned about my happiness."

But then its followed by:

him being very critical and judgemental of others, and sometimes with you. Irritable, snarky and sharp tongued, especially when he turns it on you. Hypocritical, has double standards and can be disrespectful. 

I'm sorry just wondering how some of this ties in with having a loving wonderful connection..him being concerned about your happiness and in tune with your emotions.

None of that sounds like he is. Or are you meaning he is, when things are not directed at you? Sounds like he has lots of learned behaviors. Control and narcissistic traits come to mind.


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## CallaLily

Your husbands attitude reminds me of a co-worker of mine. They have a "I'm better than you" mentality. There's nothing pleasant about it, and most people do not like being around them, and most people try to avoid being around them if possible. He is gonna need a eye opener, not sure what that might be, but he comes across as one of these people who needs to be taken down a notch or two.


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## BleepingFamily

christmas said:


> Thanks for your input, Mike. He has always been "this way", according to his mother  I think that he was always grumpy and it just stopped for a while when we first got together. His mother tells me that he is "so much better than he ever was" now that he's with me.
> 
> I do think that a lot of his grumpiness has to do with money (and resulting stress). However, he is also very self-righteous and thinks he knows the 100% absolute best way to do anything ever. He gets really annoyed when people don't take his advice or concede his points.


OK then we know he was a little less grumpy maybe because he was with you and wanted to impress you or because he was kinda forcing himself so he wouldnt sound and look like a moron.
He needs to grow up!
And you too. The decision is yours now!

Mike


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## Prodigal

christmas said:


> We have moved four times in the five years we've been together.


This caught my attention. Have you moved frequently due to your jobs? Or does he find fault with the places you live?

Is he an only child? Not that only children are all spoiled by any means, but his seeming inability to respect views he doesn't agree with seems like a learned behavior. Sometimes only children are the focal point and are spoiled. Kinda sounds like that, but I'm only speculating .... 

I'd find it difficult to be around a spouse who aggressively barks his opinions at other folks. I assume he has run off some of your friends with this type of behavior.

Something just doesn't strike me right about the way you describe your husband ... sort of a Jekyll and Hyde type of personality. Although you are committed to him, it also sounds like some of the things he does make you uncomfortable enough that you felt the need to post here.


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## AvaTara539

OMG I think we are married to the same man lol =/ Let me know if you come up with any solutions!!


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## christmas

Prodigal said:


> This caught my attention. Have you moved frequently due to your jobs? Or does he find fault with the places you live?
> 
> Is he an only child? Not that only children are all spoiled by any means, but his seeming inability to respect views he doesn't agree with seems like a learned behavior. Sometimes only children are the focal point and are spoiled. Kinda sounds like that, but I'm only speculating ....
> 
> I'd find it difficult to be around a spouse who aggressively barks his opinions at other folks. I assume he has run off some of your friends with this type of behavior.
> 
> Something just doesn't strike me right about the way you describe your husband ... sort of a Jekyll and Hyde type of personality. Although you are committed to him, it also sounds like some of the things he does make you uncomfortable enough that you felt the need to post here.


We've moved because of changing life situations (moved in together from two separate apartments, graduated college and moved out of state to my mom's house, then moving to a new place after crashing with my mom for a while, then we got a job out of the country and had to get rid of most of our stuff, now we are back)

He seems to be pretty happy no matter where we are living...I'm actually the one who has a track record of finding faults with the places we lived. Mostly because we are both in entertainment and I am idealistic about wanting to be in LA.

He IS an only child and was definitely spoiled growing up. Definitely.

Thank you for mentioning the dual personality idea...I should have been more clear that it's precisely what I experience. Two separate personalities...warm and loving, then cold and snappy.

I mostly felt the need to post here because 1) I wanted to just hear what others had to say and 2) I got fed up with it and wanted to rant 

Thanks for your help!


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## Jellybeans

You cannot change the way he is--only the way you react to him.


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## COGypsy

Jellybeans said:


> You cannot change the way he is--only the way you react to him.


:iagree:

Totally. My husband behaves in many ways similar to how you describe your husband and I can put up with it for a little while if I feel it's valid, lol. But for the most part now, I just shut it down. Calmly, politely, but firmly. Just like I would with a kid, lol.

For example--if my husband is so very concerned with _how_ I'm doing something, when my way is perfectly functional, then I calmly invite him to take it over and walk away. Now as a disclaimer, I will say that he has OCD that he refuses to treat, so we have this discussion quite frequently over his "rituals"--vacuum cleaner lines in the carpet, the order that counters are wiped in the kitchen....all kinds of things, so this might not be the same kind of solution for everyone.

When my husband doesn't want to do/go/eat something that the rest of the family/group is doing, then I tell him that he doesn't have to come. And mean it. Without being mad about it, because I'd rather he stay home than listen to him gripe. But then I also am very honest with the rest of the party and simply say that DH didn't feel like going to "insert activity/place" tonight, so he decided to stay in. I don't ever cover for him.

We also have a lot of....discussions...around food at our house. We like very few of the same things, and in the last year I've developed several dietary restrictions as well. Usually I can make enough stuff that we both end up getting a meal out of it, but if comments get made about what's being made, or about what I'm eating, then I point out that he doesn't have to eat it, he's more than welcome to find his own dinner if he'd prefer something else. That sounds snarky in writing, but I say (and mean) it in a sense of "eat what you want, I will too" rather than hurt feelings.

If those comments don't work, then I simply tell him that he's made his point and needs to discuss something else now.

The final stage is that I tell him that I've heard enough about xx and if he doesn't have anything else to talk about, I'm going to go do something else.

But 98% of the time, I just don't get mad about it. I draw the boundary and after awhile, he's started to understand that and actually more or less responds to it. I don't think that he ever really realized what he sounded like....


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## NellieBucket

From what you have described, your husband may have a chemical imbalance. I doubt a person is unpleasant just for the sake of it. He sounds quite a bit like my younger brother. He has been diagnosed with depression. He too is a super guy, but he can't help himself at times and has even become an alcoholic because of it. I have a little knowledge in this area, having been a nurse, many years ago, and also suffered from depression myself at one time, fortunately my depression was a hormone imbalance, and I was able to take medication to eliminate it, but I do have a husband who is also very disrespectful. His disrespect stems from insecurities, a father who never showed him love, and a mother who never protected him. However, I don't get any idea that your husband is insecure, at all. 
Does he work out? Does he take steroids, that you know of? I truly feel he is not in control of his emotions when he reacts this way. It sounds as if you are great with him. If there is love, never give up on him, and never let his actions insult you, because it has nothing to do with you. He needs to work something out, and he may need professional help.


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## golfergirl

COGypsy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Totally. My husband behaves in many ways similar to how you describe your husband and I can put up with it for a little while if I feel it's valid, lol. But for the most part now, I just shut it down. Calmly, politely, but firmly. Just like I would with a kid, lol.
> 
> For example--if my husband is so very concerned with _how_ I'm doing something, when my way is perfectly functional, then I calmly invite him to take it over and walk away. Now as a disclaimer, I will say that he has OCD that he refuses to treat, so we have this discussion quite frequently over his "rituals"--vacuum cleaner lines in the carpet, the order that counters are wiped in the kitchen....all kinds of things, so this might not be the same kind of solution for everyone.
> 
> When my husband doesn't want to do/go/eat something that the rest of the family/group is doing, then I tell him that he doesn't have to come. And mean it. Without being mad about it, because I'd rather he stay home than listen to him gripe. But then I also am very honest with the rest of the party and simply say that DH didn't feel like going to "insert activity/place" tonight, so he decided to stay in. I don't ever cover for him.
> 
> We also have a lot of....discussions...around food at our house. We like very few of the same things, and in the last year I've developed several dietary restrictions as well. Usually I can make enough stuff that we both end up getting a meal out of it, but if comments get made about what's being made, or about what I'm eating, then I point out that he doesn't have to eat it, he's more than welcome to find his own dinner if he'd prefer something else. That sounds snarky in writing, but I say (and mean) it in a sense of "eat what you want, I will too" rather than hurt feelings.
> 
> If those comments don't work, then I simply tell him that he's made his point and needs to discuss something else now.
> 
> The final stage is that I tell him that I've heard enough about xx and if he doesn't have anything else to talk about, I'm going to go do something else.
> 
> But 98% of the time, I just don't get mad about it. I draw the boundary and after awhile, he's started to understand that and actually more or less responds to it. I don't think that he ever really realized what he sounded like....


I'm writing these down!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katc

Christmas - I think I'm married to your husband!

Mine is the very same!

I have suspected for a long time now that he is depressed, but he won't do anything about it.


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## SadieBrown

Jellybeans said:


> You cannot change the way he is--only the way you react to him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


So the question is. . .are you willing to deal with this behavior for the rest of your life?

My advice is to do some research on verbal and emotional abuse on the internet. There is plenty of info out there, and a lot of women with stories the same as yours.


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## cmjohnson

I am engaged to the same personality type: negative, unpredictably irritable, bossy (tells me and others what to do....mostly me and his kids and my son...not his friends or family or co-workers), etc. We just moved in together: my son and dog, and his 2 kids and 2 dogs. I fully recognize that it is a stressful situation for everyone..the key phrase being "for everyone," yet he is the only one who acts out. Either he goes around barking at us for relatively very small things, or he literally acts out his frustration (huff, puffs, sighs, avoids eye contact, remains uncomfortably silent...you get the point), all of which puts a pall over the whole house and makes everyone jumpy. 

All of the kids would rather be around me than around him. And sometimes that means that I give up some of my chore or personal time to hang with or take care of them without my fiance...leaving him to be by himself in front of the TV relaxing. 

He makes incendiary comments or throws silent temper tantrums, and is somehow shocked that we react accordingly: defensiveness and anger.

I am not in any way a passive person, and I do not put up with baseless or hurtful remarks. I will be the first to concede if he is correct (either partly or completely; either during or after the argument), but I will not become a victim of his inability to manage his own reactions.

I, too, see the good side of him - I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. But that good side is quickly becoming overshadowed by his poor behavior. 

I'm aware enough and old enough to know that you can't change someone. 

So what I really need is specific, concrete ways to deal with his anger so that, just like a dog (and I don't mean to be ugly by saying that; I'm being quite literal), he learns what behaviors don't get his needs/wants met, and which do.

Your examples of telling him that if he doesn't like the way you do something that you are more than happy to have him do it, and of telling him that he's made his point and not it's time to move on, are great ones. 

I'd very much appreciate your and anyone else's additional specific examples of what I can say/do around him to decrease his negative behaviors/moods and increase his positive behaviors/moods.

Two additional points: I am not nor will I ever be responsible for anyone else's behavior or feelings, but I am willing to change my reactions to his negativity. I know the power of being around a positive person is quite strong, so I try to remain positive and even keeled; that way, perhaps just by demonstrating how that affects others he may subconsciously mimic it.


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## PBear

Zombie thread alert...

But to the last poster, I guess I'd ask why you're moving in with this guy, letting him impact your kids like that. Much less getting married to him. If you're in the "honeymoon" period now, what do you think it will be like in 7 years?

Oh, and the reason why he treats you and the kids like this and not his friends and co -workers? Because he can. You've shown him that you're not going anywhere, and the kids have no choice. His friends will just not spend time with him if he treats them like that, and his co-workers will shun him as well. But you... You'll take his sh1t, and come back for more. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RuthieMW

What a civilised and helpful conversation. Thanks all.


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