# My Story



## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

Married my wife 10 months after we met, and we've been married 9 months now. 

We haven't consummated our marriage yet, not for lack of effort or eagerness on my part. DW is a virgin, and I am not(I had a number of partners before I met her). Following the disappointment of our honeymoon, she attributed her fear of sex to a friend whose first husband was rough in the sack, and the horror stories about that debacle. After a few months, the story changed to childhood abuse by a sibling. Now, it's been determined by a doctor that she has vaginismus. She was also raised in a strict religious household, and I believe she suffers from LD, along with a bad case of "good girl syndrome."

We've been to a marriage counselor. DW was reluctant to follow the sexual aspects that counselor's instructions prior to the 6 month mark in our marriage when I told her I was thinking about leaving, which really hurt her feelings. I felt bad for making her cry, she started trying harder, and I decided to give the situation more time.

After we tried the counselor's suggestions to no avail, we went to a doctor. The Dr. believes she has vaginismus, and gave us some exercises to help stretch her out down there. We are able to do them once or twice per week on average. I almost always have to initiate the exercises, along with any intimate contact. 

I've urged my DW to explore her own body and learn to pleasure herself, so she can help me learn to pleasure her... My suggestions seem to fall on deaf ears. I can't tell if she's morally opposed to it, scared, or just plain stubborn.

I swear, if she spent half as much time trying to resolve her own sexual hangups, as she does working on little crafty projects or playing games on facebook, I would be a very happy husband!!

I don't know how many more times I can tell her to meet me halfway in the bedroom... to at least try and show some sense of urgency and passion on her part with regard to solving this issue. I can't do it all myself. I've tried the patient route, and it gets us nowhere. I've tried the assertive route, and she says she feels rushed or forced.

Every other aspect of our marriage is pretty good. Our personalities mesh really well, and we get along well most of the time. My family likes her, and her parents seem to adore me.

I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to mess up a potentially good thing if this can be fixed... Ultimately, I don't want to go through the mess of a divorce after waiting so long in life to meet a wife, and working so hard to get this marriage going. However, I also don't relish the thought of having to beg for her to meet my basic needs in this marriage. I feel like we have a long road ahead in coming to a mutually satisfying relationship in the sack... I'm torn, I really want to make it work, but some days I really can't help but have my doubts.

Any thoughts?


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

You my friend are treading on thin ice here and it is a very delicate issue and if you do not proceed with extreme caution you could end up damaging your wife more emotionally than she already is. I would not force her physically or verbally in any way what so ever.... as this will create mistrust in her toward you and that will open up a pandora box that you will never be able to close. 

I would suggest that your wife find a good psycho-counselor to help her peel through the layers of wounds and uneducated teachings that has created such a mid-evil block in your wife's mind about sex (then you can move forward with the sexual exercises) and possibly have a good sex life based on trust and love.


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## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

Doubt&Wonder said:


> You my friend are treading on thin ice here and it is a very delicate issue and if you do not proceed with extreme caution you could end up damaging your wife more emotionally than she already is. I would not force her physically or verbally in any way what so ever.... as this will create mistrust in her toward you and that will open up a pandora box that you will never be able to close.
> 
> I would suggest that your wife find a good psycho-counselor to help her peel through the layers of wounds and uneducated teachings that has created such a mid-evil block in your wife's mind about sex (then you can move forward with the sexual exercises) and possibly have a good sex life based on trust and love.


Thanks for being direct. I agree on the thin ice point: I don't think ending the marriage would do her any favors as she would likely return to the environment that led to her current hangups, which would then be compounded by the emotional toll and stigma of a failed marriage. As frustrated as I tend to become with the current situation, I do love her dearly and I couldn't live with myself if I sent her on a path of emotional devastation. When I look at the amount of time I've been able to endure this sexless marriage, I believe she and I have an amazing depth of love for each other that has held us together through this.

As for the forcing issue, I can say that I've tried a handful of times to be more assertive, but I've never crossed that line. I've been able to exercise restraint when she isn't comfortable. I guess it helps that my #1 complaint from past sexual partners was that I was "too gentle."... Anyway, DW and I have discussed it and both agree that if she is to enjoy sex in the long term, her initial impressions of the act need to be favorable, and we won't achieve that by forcing it.

I guess the impasse we're at right now is that in my opinion she doesn't show any initiative in wanting to improve the situation. Her last doctor's appointment was at my request and urging, and she's been weaseling her way out of scheduling new sessions with our marriage counselor as of late.

I do like the idea of encouraging her to seek individual psycho-counseling sessions to peel through her layers of emotional damage. I think I could also benefit from some individual counseling in order to learn better communication skills and coping strategies. For now, I just vent on these boards once in a while, and it helps.


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## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

I would also add that I had no idea sex would ever be an issue, going into the marriage. As much as we talked about doing it before our wedding day, I had no reason to doubt that she was totally willing, able, and ready to go... Needless to say, I was completely blindsided on our wedding night.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Married after 10 months...you can't possibly know a person very well in 10 short months. What were you thinking getting married so fast?

How old is your virgin wife? How old are you?

She doesn't sound interested AT ALL....how mature is this woman/girl?

If she is not interested in sex, thinks its dirty (common in religious groups), feels shame, doesn't find you attractive, isn't sexually mature, etc....You may be in for a much longer wait.

You definitely need to keep talking to her. Find out what she does like. Using your hand, does she get wet? How about when you go down on her? How about reading a book with her about the joys of sex? How about tasteful movies about sex and love?

Have you tried any of those things?

Again, what are your ages?


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## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

I don't think it's necessary to give an exact age for the purpose of this discussion, but we're both around 30. She's two years older than I am.

We married pretty fast, but that's common in our religion; it's not unheard of for people to be engaged after knowing each other for just a few weeks. I think part of the reason is that our church is real big on abstinence before marriage, which leads to some short courtships and engagements. 

She feels some sensation and gets a little wet when i stimulate her by hand. Receiving oral is awkward for her, but I think she likes it as much as she can. We've started on a book geared toward people in our situation designed to assuage fears about sex. As for the movies, what would you suggest? I'm all ears on that one.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I commend you for your patience. Brutal honesty here, I dont see her ever changing when it comes to sex. This is how she is hard wired, and you are going to be looking at a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. If she isnt interested during the throes of new love, its not going to happen.


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## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

Well, that sucks. I don't think I can live in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life.

I was hoping a certain amount of therapy, time, or perhaps a magic word I haven't learned yet, would make things better....


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## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

In all seriousness though, I'm getting the impression from a number of sources that the sex will never really meet my expectations if it's this bad / nonexistent right now. Which brings me to my current dilemma: Do I persevere, hoping that things will become marginally better in the bedroom, shifting my focus to the other things I like about the relationship? Or do I cut my losses, knowing that it might sting now, but ultimately benefit both of us in the long run to find a companion who is more sexually compatible? 

As a supportive and loving husband, how long am I obligated to try and help her through her difficulties to achieve a better outcome? At what point am I allowed to say that I didn't cause this problem and it's not my responsibility to try and fix it? Where is that fine line between helping and enabling? Is there an appropriate point in the timeline of our marriage where it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart, and take a hard look at the reality of where we are headed as a couple, then plan accordingly?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Let's see, she's in her 30's, doesn't want to have sex with you, and you're supposed to do what? Just wait?????? What if she finally does have sex with you and she's bad at it? Do you think she will ever enjoy it? Can you live your whole life married to a woman who cannot provide you with sex? Does she want children? Has she given you oral sex to keep you happy while she's going through her issues? If not, sounds to me like she's still saving her virginity for Mr. Right.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

CheekyPeaky said:


> In all seriousness though, I'm getting the impression from a number of sources that the sex will never really meet my expectations if it's this bad / nonexistent right now. Which brings me to my current dilemma: Do I persevere, hoping that things will become marginally better in the bedroom, shifting my focus to the other things I like about the relationship? Or do I cut my losses, knowing that it might sting now, but ultimately benefit both of us in the long run to find a companion who is more sexually compatible?
> 
> As a supportive and loving husband, how long am I obligated to try and help her through her difficulties to achieve a better outcome? At what point am I allowed to say that I didn't cause this problem and it's not my responsibility to try and fix it? Where is that fine line between helping and enabling? Is there an appropriate point in the timeline of our marriage where it's a good idea to have a heart-to-heart, and take a hard look at the reality of where we are headed as a couple, then plan accordingly?


So since the doc has diagnosed vaginismus, I assume that means that the two of you have physically attempted to have sex? I cant help but think that the condition is all mental, that she sabotages herself because she doesnt really want to do it. Yes I understand it is a real condition, but in this case, I question it just because of how her attitude towards sex comes across. Just my thoughts. 


YOU are the only one who can decide how long you are willing to try, and at what point you would stop. I think you have acted admirably given your situation. People may read this thread or hear of your situation and say that you need to stick by her no matter what, but is that realistic? If you do manage to have sex, will it be gratifying? Sex should be intimate and bonding. If you never have sex, will you be able to live with that, without straying outside of your marriage?


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## CheekyPeaky (May 31, 2013)

She's willing to give me a HJ if I'm erect and I initiate it. As for BJ, she doesn't really know what she's doing, and doesn't seem totally comfortable with it, never really puts more than the tip in her mouth. She's very affectionate, we enjoy taking showers together once in a while. Last time we tried PIV was a little under a week ago, i had her on top and tried to ease it in as slowly and gently as possible with lots of lube. We managed to get about two inches in when she said it was too painful and we stopped. Anything we do that involves fingering or attempting PIV is purely mechanical at this point. There's no pleasure involved. Our counselor said at the outset that it would likely be this way until she becomes comfortable with her own body. This is why I've urged her to explore her body, look at her vagina in a handheld mirror and masturbate, but so far none of those suggestions have been followed. So we're kind of stuck right now.


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