# Is my husband Gay?



## Happyandconfused (May 16, 2014)

Hello everyone I have been married for 2 years. I was recently going through my husbands phone when I was taking a bath, just looking at all the old photos of us ect...and I came across an email he has sent a gay friend of his that had an attachment of a photo of him with only underwear on grabbing his junk. It said "hope you enjoy". This is a friend he admitted to me to kissing and laying in bed with (they were drunk) but he insisted nothing else happened. Everyone else always told me they thought my husband was gay, or had the "tendencies" or was "confused" about his sexuality. This coming from an ex wife and girlfriend. He has always been in relationship with females. Before I met him he admitted to trying to pick up a 15 year old when he was drunk (he was 35). I am not sure if it was to see if he "still had it" or what. So I do think he is/was confused, I just do not know if he is gay and I don't know it, or what. He says he is against gays and its wrong in his eyes, blah blah blah....but why would he send a photo like that then? Thanks so much for you thoughts on this!! It has really been bothering me.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Wouldn't you be the best judge? You must have your own opinion. You were going through his phone looking for something.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Happyandconfused said:


> Hello everyone I have been married for 2 years. I was recently going through my husbands phone when I was taking a bath, just looking at all the old photos of us ect...and I came across an email he has sent a gay friend of his that had an attachment of a photo of him with only underwear on grabbing his junk. It said "hope you enjoy". This is a friend he admitted to me to kissing and laying in bed with (they were drunk) but he insisted nothing else happened. Everyone else always told me they thought my husband was gay, or had the "tendencies" or was "confused" about his sexuality. This coming from an ex wife and girlfriend. He has always been in relationship with females. Before I met him he admitted to trying to pick up a 15 year old when he was drunk (he was 35). I am not sure if it was to see if he "still had it" or what. So I do think he is/was confused, I just do not know if he is gay and I don't know it, or what. He says he is against gays and its wrong in his eyes, blah blah blah....but why would he send a photo like that then? Thanks so much for you thoughts on this!! It has really been bothering me.


I've been 35 before. I've also been drunk before. In any scenario, I have never, ever been interested in any member of the same sex nor would I ever want to illicit the interest of a member of the same sex.

You have only been married for 2 years, and are only now asking these questions about his sexuality? I would have to submit that he must be bi-sexual; that is interested in both men and women (since he did marry a woman).


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Happyandconfused said:


> He says he is against gays and its wrong in his eyes


This is the clue. My guess is that he is a self-loathing latent homosexual. Why else would you be 'against' gays?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Possibly gay, definitely bi, or curious. But, the real problem I see, drunk or not, is him trying to pickup an kid. That in my world would cause me to run from this man more than any other.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'd say bi or curious.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Happyandconfused said:


> I came across an email he has sent a gay friend of his that had an attachment of a photo of him with only underwear on grabbing his junk. It said "hope you enjoy". This is a friend he admitted to me to kissing and laying in bed with


Yes, he is gay and afraid to admit it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How much does it matter if he's gay or not? Would it have been any better if he sent that email to a woman? 

But yes, straight guys don't kiss gay guys, or sent them pics in their tighty-whities. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

lancaster said:


> Possibly gay, definitely bi, or curious. But, the real problem I see, drunk or not, is him trying to pickup an kid. That in my world would cause me to run from this man more than any other.


:iagree:

Yes, I too would have a serious problem with that scenario.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Confront him about it and watch his reaction CLOSELY.

Show him the picture you found and tell him that is not only bizarre but also very inappropriate. Ask him to completely cut this friend out of his life as this is disrespectful and inappropriate towards your relationship.

His reaction will tell you the answer you are looking for.....


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Agree with everyone else so far...either curious, bi or gay. You have an ex wife and ex GF telling you the same along with him admitting, yes admitting to said behavior...his way of warning you maybe. Don't wait 10 years and a couple of kids later to decide you can't accept him for who he really is.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Happyandconfused said:


> Hello everyone I have been married for 2 years. I was recently going through my husbands phone when I was taking a bath, just looking at all the old photos of us ect...and I came across an email he has sent a gay friend of his that had an attachment of a photo of him with only underwear on grabbing his junk. It said "hope you enjoy". This is a friend he admitted to me to kissing and laying in bed with (they were drunk) but he insisted nothing else happened. Everyone else always told me they thought my husband was gay, or had the "tendencies" or was "confused" about his sexuality. This coming from an ex wife and girlfriend. He has always been in relationship with females. Before I met him he admitted to trying to pick up a 15 year old when he was drunk (he was 35). I am not sure if it was to see if he "still had it" or what. So I do think he is/was confused, I just do not know if he is gay and I don't know it, or what. He says he is against gays and its wrong in his eyes, blah blah blah....but why would he send a photo like that then? Thanks so much for you thoughts on this!! It has really been bothering me.


If you're wondering if your husband is gay, I think the direction you should be looking is your sex life with him. You didn't mention anything like that in your post, so does that mean you're satisfied with him in bed? 

As far as what you found on his phone, as others mentioned it does seem like he may be bi or curious. The thing I'd be concerned about is if he is committed to you or not. If in your opinion he is, then you may not have that much to worry about. If you think he isn't committed to you, then I think you would be right to be concerned about his sexuality and how it affects his commitment to you.


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## Happyandconfused (May 16, 2014)

Let me address the "kid" thing first. We did talk about that, and she came across on the phone first as being much older, when he found out her real age he stopped. I think he does have a thing for younger women, but not THAT young. 
And YES it does make a difference if he sent that picture to a guy or a women. It was sent before we even were together. So it has been on his phone for a very long time. (3 years)
He introduced me to this guy and for some reason about a year ago we just stopped all contact with him. I am not sure what happened. We see him every now and then, he lives right down the road.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He is gay. Period.

Get out of the marriage. After what you have been told and knowing he tried to pick up a child you should have known you were getting into a relationship with someone who has issues. 

And you know what? Let's just say he is a sex addict and has no boundaries instead of gay... Your future looks like this:

You insist on sex only with a condom
You never trust what he tells you
You never trust where he says he is
You are on edge constantly
You get tested for STDs regularly
You spend an extraordinary amount of time going through his phone and email and credit cards and his car and pockets and briefcase and files on his computer
You foolishly make a baby with him
You feel trapped
You stop having sex with him because you hate what your life has become
You become isolated because you are too embarrassed to tell anyone

So, I am glad you came here before that happens.

Get out now.

You probably won't. You will confront and he will give you some nonsense. He won't tell you the truth. He will be offended when you insist you are both tested for STDs immediately and you wing have sex with him until that happens
He will balk or just lie about the friend when you tell him he must cut all contact with him immediately
He will not give you the passwords to all of his accounts... Especially the ones you don't know he has

But I do hope you will insist on these things because your husband is behaving inappropriately regardless of the gender.

I suspect he has cheated before and will cheat again.

What does his ex wife say? Talk to her for more details.


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## Happyandconfused (May 16, 2014)

His ex wife is the one that said he was confused about his sexuality ( and ex girlfriend ). His ex wife said he told her he wished she had the body of a toned younger girl. But that was when they were in their 20's. We are in our 40's now and people change. I remember wishing my man had the body of a younger hotter dude when I was in my 20's to. So to me that does not strike me as odd. She told me that he was caught looking at teen porn when he was in his 20's. Again that was a long time ago. I am not making excuses, but people change. I do think he may be a "closet gay" though, I am concerned about that more so than anything else. I do not think he is cheating, but it makes me feel like he may have married me to conceal it or something like that.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are making excuses.


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## Happyandconfused (May 16, 2014)

No I am not, what man in his 20's is not attracted to younger girls? come on, get real. Even older men are. SO NO I am not making excuses. It was not like he hooked up with her anyways.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Happyandconfused said:


> No I am not, what man in his 20's is not attracted to younger girls? come on, get real. Even older men are. SO NO I am not making excuses. It was not like he hooked up with her anyways.


WOW. Let's all now overlook that you said he was 35 when that happened with the 15 year old, but let's move on, shall we? 

Your question is whether you husband is gay or not, right? Well, if he likes women then he isn't gay. If he likes men, he is gay. If he likes both, then he is bi. The only person who can answer that question is him. The answer will not come from a consensus on this forum. He may tell you the truth. He might lie. We don't know him. You do.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how often does he start things up sexually with you.

lots of red flags! my gaydar would be going off big time.

underwear pics to a gay friend????????admitting to kissing his gay friend while in bed but nothing happened? like when you catch your child with refer .....I was holding it for a friend. Ok buckwheat.

why would he keep a pic of himself in his underwaer on his phone?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He can be all over her and still be into men. If he has no boundaries anything goes.

There is no way I would date a guy who at 35 was hitting on a child. That would mean I couldn't trust him around my own kids or other people's kids.

And there is simply no way you can ever "know" a person with a sexual secret. 

I realize this is difficult for you. You are in a bad place because of him. This requires tact and a hard line.

BTW, why would he keep that picture? 

Get into his computer and look around. What web sites does he go to? What images are on the drive? What is in his email? What things doors he do you didn't know about? Find old emails with this guy especially around the time of the falling out.

Know the answers before you ask him anything. He will destroy everything once he knows you are asking these kinds of questions.

What caused his divorce?

If he is using you as a cover, what are you going to do? If he were to pass a lie detector test about extramarital affairs and would take one every 6 months would you stay with him if he admitted to being bi or gay?

There are a few bi men who choose not to act on their attraction. Women, too. Unfortunately, a lot of bi men believe they should be given a free pass because they can't help who they are attracted to. They say they are protecting everyone else by cheating instead of leaving. They make a mockery of everything GLBT people have gone through to be able to leave the closet by cheating, lying, hiding and then justifying it.


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## Rockyroad (May 21, 2014)

Do you really want to spend your life wondering, and checking on his phone or checking where he is at or who he is with? The answer is up to you.

I stayed in a marriage full of doubts wondering everyday why things didn't add up. He was living a secret life and yes he is gay. I ignored all those red flags and gave him the benefit of a doubt for 29 years...and, because I had three kids and didn't want to leave them without a dad. I put up with so much abuse and cheating and I now regret it. Don't do what I did and waste your life living in worry, you will be very unhappy and your children if you ever have any will hate you for it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Completely heterosexual men do not sent underwear pics to other men. Your husband could be on the down low and more than likely lie to you of his sexual preferences out of shame. Now only two years into marriage, no kids and you potentially being infected with a deadly std, yes time to reevaluate this marriage. You can't marriage counsel this away and honestly can you as a women be sexually attracted to a man that might love penis more than you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> I've been 35 before. I've also been drunk before. In any scenario, I have never, ever been interested in any member of the same sex nor would I ever want to illicit the interest of a member of the same sex.
> 
> You have only been married for 2 years, and are only now asking these questions about his sexuality? I would have to submit that he must be bi-sexual; that is interested in both men and women (since he did marry a woman).


I'll bet that at 35 you also did not even think of picking up on a 15 year old. At least I hope you did not. 

This part of the story bothers me a lot.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The OP didn't want to listen to the truth about this man before she married him and is still holding onto denial.

It is her life to waste. Her choice. All I know is that she will not be able to play the victim when the truth comes out in 5 or 15 years because she has known deep in her heart what he is about. The exact details don't need to be known to determine that he is not someone to trust.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Define younger women. To me, it would be 18 - 25, i.e. the ages of the models you'd see in Playboy and Penthouse. While it may have been completely acceptable to marry 15 year old girls in the 1800s and earlier, it no longer is today. IMHO, the majority of normal men who may lust after a younger woman is thinking of a college aged girl.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

No

He might be Bi

He might be straight, but have an interst in gay or Bi porn.

He is probably ashamed to tell you. 

So, if you really want to know, in a very non-threatening way, start talking about porn, talk about lesbian, bi, gay porn, and steer the convo to "have you ever looked at gay porn?". 

He will either clam up, or open up his soul.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Happyandconfused said:


> I came across an email he has sent a gay friend of his that had an attachment of a photo of him with only underwear on grabbing his junk. It said "hope you enjoy". This is a friend he admitted to me to kissing and laying in bed with (they were drunk) but he insisted nothing else happened. Everyone else always told me they thought my husband was gay, or had the "tendencies" or was "confused" about his sexuality. This coming from an ex wife and girlfriend. Before I met him he admitted to trying to pick up a 15 year old when he was drunk (he was 35).


He is at the very least bisexual. 

Also, whether he sent that to a female or guy, it is wrong because he is married. Add the fact that he has a past of making out with that person, yeah it's disrespectful to you marriage and is a version of cheating.

The ex girlfriend/ex-wife saying it, too, says a lot. They have already been there/done that/know the drill.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Happyandconfused said:


> Let me address the "kid" thing first. We did talk about that, and s*he came across on the phone first as being much older, **when he found out her real age he stopped.* I think he does have a thing for younger women, but not THAT young.


So how di dhe get this 15 year old's phone number? And how are you aware of this? And from your wording, the implication is that he wouldn't have "stopped" if he found out she was older... meaning he would have kept at it.



Happyandconfused said:


> And YES it does make a difference if he sent that picture to a guy or a women. *It was sent before we even were together. **So it has been on his phone for a very long time. (3 years)*


And how did you find a 3-year old picture in his phone with the text wording? My phone doesn't show pics/texts past a certain date because of too many text message. Very strange that he'd still have a text from 3 years ago.

Nonetheless: the point is you are married to a guy who can't even be honest witj you on major things: picking up fifteen year olds and only stopping trying something with them AFTER learning their age (implying that he would keep it up if they were older) and who still has pics of him flirting with a guy he made out with; and a guy who's exes all say they thought he was gay.

To me it is telling that he has zero communication with the guy he made out with after they were so chummy...a and he lives on your street...

You already know.


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## Jack29 (Oct 20, 2012)

There are plenty of gays out there who are married with children. There was a man in his 50s I once talked with at first he b1tched about its hard to make ends meet what with his wife and children and after that he asked me if i ever go swimming because i look fit and wouldn't it be swell if we went for a dip together.

Another friend of mine whom i've long suspected to be gay is getting married soon, im not telling a thing to his wife to be, no skin off my nose, otherwise he's a very good person.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If you have any reason to suspect you should mention it and let her deal with the info as she will. Do me a favor and Google about closeted gay men and the suffering their wives go through and tell me if you feel differently after. What if she were your sister? Your mum?


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

He's as gay as the day is long.
Release yourself and release him.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Your question to this board was: Is he Gay? 

In truth... we can't know that for sure and is that really the issue?

Do you love him? Does he Love you? Is he committed to you and your relationship? Do you trust him? Those are the real questions.

You need to sit him down and work through those issues. What are your deal breakers. Because he could be Gay, he could be BI, he may just be curious but it only really matters to the two of you and your relationship. 

We can't control what we are attracted to but we can choose to control our actions. I have been married for nearly 29 years. I find many women attractive. I enjoy the feeling of attraction but choose to stay faithful to my wife. Thus she can trust me and I her. Our love and relationship continue to thrive and grow because of the choices we make each day. 

Life is all about choices and then being accountable and responsible for those choices. 

Good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Bi men don't always play by the same rules as hetero men. And because other men are easy to find for sex while women are not as easy, the level of opportunity and temptation is considerably higher.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

I would say bi-curious based on the post. A lot of gay people get married to hide their sexual orientation. You just have to decide for yourself and if you want to stay in this marriage.


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## thejjones (Apr 9, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> I've been 35 before. I've also been drunk before. In any scenario, I have never, ever been interested in any member of the same sex nor would I ever want to illicit the interest of a member of the same sex.


Not to mention a 15 year old?!? That's another huge red flag.


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## thejjones (Apr 9, 2014)

Human sexuality is beyond complicated. Sometimes "straight" and "gay" are not enough to really give you a whole picture of what's going on with someone'. Even "straight", "gay", and "bisexual" are sometimes not enough.

I have a complicated sexual past myself. I am married to a man. I have a strong romantic/sexual preference for men. But I have also had sex with women and have sexual fantasies about women.

However, I don't label myself as "bisexual" either and I'll explain why. I have no romantic thoughts about women. The thought of cuddling with a woman and holding her hand and being emotionally intimate does nothing for me. 

And once I actually had a sexual experience with a woman, that sexual desire kind of tapered off too. It's something that I would NOT do again. It happened before I was married. I had another opportunity to have sex with a woman before I was married (after the first time) who everyone considered very attractive. She was a lesbian and flirted incessantly with me. Even though I had a fantasy about her, I never pursued it because actually doing it is much different than a fantasy.

I still only enjoy pornography with just women (though I find all porn degrading on some level and try to avoid it). 

Even though I have sexual desire for men, I do not like to watch them in porn. I find a lot of porn with men in it is a "trigger" for me as a CSA survivor.

I find the naked male body attractive. I find the naked female body attractive. 

I can admit when hot women walk down the street. I still don't want my husband staring at them, and I still get the competitive jealous/insecure streak when I see them. Lesbian and "bi" women I've talked to don't. They just see them as hot women.

Again, I would never want to be intimate either physically or emotionally with a woman ever again. But I still do fantasize about it from time to time.

For me personally, I think my complicated sexual preferences / sexuality comes from the fact that I was molested for two years off and on by a male as a child. As an adult, I was raped by a man who didn't get that no means no. I've also been sexually degraded to much minor degrees by men since I developed a womanly body (cat calls, slaps on the butt, etc).

These experiences "confused" me a lot I think. I have desires for men, but I also sometimes get a sense of "danger" from them that I do not get from women. Women seem "safe."

Now, I would NEVER send a naked/half naked picture of myself to ANYONE, male or female, while married. That's a form of cheating, IMO. And where there's smoke, there's probably a fire.

OP: If you approach your husband with accusations of "you must be gay because I saw this or that on your phone" he's just going to deny it and get on the defensive. I don't really know what the best way to approach him is, sorry. Maybe someone else with more life experience can weigh in here.

All I know is the more I get "you're a lesbian" or "you're bi" or "you're messed up sexually" accusations from my husband - and the more he accuses me of being attracted and about to cheat on him with every somewhat attractive woman under the sun - the more I DON'T want to talk about my sexuality with him or anyone else.

Hope this helps. Sorry for what you're going through.


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## lone and cautious (Jul 29, 2013)

Regardless of whatever he is, do you want to continue putting up this type of behavior? Him giving sexual attention towards others regardless if it's a woman or a man? Considering his checkered past, and his current behavior reinforcing this perception that he is gay, is this someone you want to continue being married with?

If my ex-wife had done any of this while we were married, I'd have given her the boot sooner than I did. I will not tolerate any form of sexual inappropriate behavior, especially if it's homosexual in nature.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Did you call his ex-wife and girlfriend and ask them about his sexuality? Just ask him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The OP is gone.

This is a really tough place to be in her reaction is one of bargaining and doubting herself. Perfectly normal. I just hope she aside at the truth before she wrecks her life or has kids or gets an STD.


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