# Ready to leave- where do I go?



## kk_bella (Jul 23, 2008)

I don't know who else to talk to or where to turn. I'm a 26 year old mom of a very young child and 7 months pregnant with another on the way.

Why do I want to leave my husband? There are so many reasons. I feel like if I list them, they will sound petty. If I don't list them, it sounds like I have no real reason. To tell the truth, I don't know why I ever married him in the first place. I feel like I settled. I got pregnant 6 months into our relationship. I was very young, only 22, still in school, working part time and had never been on my own before. 

We fought like cats and dogs from the very beginning. We moved in together out of convenience, we married for the insurance. We've stayed together, I think, out of obligation. And, it turns out, we are just not a good match, in my opinion. Now here we are 4 years later and I'm becoming entrenched with bitterness and resentment and I know he has to be as well.

I'm at the point where I just can't stand to be around him anymore. I want out so bad. I have a problem with guilt, though. He does not want a divorce. We've talked about it- he shuts down, but it's clear that he thinks we can work through our problems. I don't. After 4 years, I don't even want to try anymore. But I feel horribly guilty about breaking up our family. My daughter thinks her daddy hung the moon. He's not a very good father, honestly, but I know he loves her to death. It will absolutely kill me to see the look on his face when he realizes he won't be with his kid anymore.

And to make matters worse, I'm giving birth to our son in two and a half months!

I know that when he finally realizes that I'm serious and not just making an idle threat, that he will beg me to stay or he will get angry and just want to leave.

The problem is, neither of us have anywhere to go. Neither of us have friends or family that we can stay with for more than a few days. We're short on money. We live in a rented house where our lease is not up until next year and it's rather expensive for just one person to afford. Also, I'm not sure if I would want to stay here once we split, all those memories.

There have been several times in the past where I have asked him to leave- I've begged him. I've had to call the police because he refused to leave or wanted to take ten hours to pack up every little thing he owns (not that he has much of his own to begin with). I'm scared that if I bring it up and ask him to leave, that he will refuse again. I can't go through that right now being pregnant, it will send me in to pre-term labor for sure.

So, what do I do? I can go to a friends house for the weekend, but that's it. I will have to rent an apartment for him in my name because he can't rent one- his credit and record. But, renting an apartment takes time anyway. We might not find one until next month. We don't have the money to spend on a hotel. I work from home, so I need to be here. My daughter also has therapy in home with counselors that come to the house, so she needs to be here also.

But, if I don't have a plan of action- me leave for the weekend, or a place for him to go- then he won't take me seriously, and then there will be no point in sitting him down and talking to him about it at all. I will just have to have the conversation again next week or next month and I really don't want to be around him, living with him, in the meantime.

One last thing- I know a lot of people always think that I should just kick him out. He's a man and should just take care of himself. Well, he is a man, and he should, but he, just like I, has NO WHERE to go. He is the father of my child(ren), he has to work to support us. I don't want him living out of his car or in a shelter. I have been a stay at home mom for the last year. He has worked so hard to take care of us. I feel a certain amount of loyalty to him. He's taken care of me, I feel obligated to at least make sure he has a place to go!


----------



## kk_bella (Jul 23, 2008)

NO ONE HAS ANYTHING TO SAY!? This stinks.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You seem to have it set in your mind that you want to leave, but I'll tell you what I thought after reading your post:

You seem to appreciate your husband as a provider and father & still have enough feelings for him to want him to be ok in the event you do split up. That tells me there is hope for the two of you to get back on track if you are both willing to work at it.

All relationships can get disjointed at some point if you lose focus on working on it. Even if you leave, you can easily get to this point with another man and will be in the same position, so why not put the work in now with the father of your kid(s)?

Being pregnant can play havoc with hormones and emotions so yours may be running high right now because of that. I wouldn't make any major decisions at this point. I don't know if it's a nesting thing that nature has put in place, but I know when I was pregnant my emotions were stronger with family type issues.

I know what you mean by trying and ending up in the same place months or years down the road but if you are both fully vested in each other and your marriage you might feel differently.


----------



## Mrs. Negestie (Jul 15, 2008)

It seems to me that you really dont have any much of a problem but it might just be your hormones at this stage in life.Please reread your message and you will see that life is really not that hard for you and you are in love you love struck lover just let this small stage play over you are in love and somtimes things dont always go the way you want them to


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

kk bella - i know you thinks it stinks , that ppl did not reply straight away. but some threads are simply either overlooked . or ppl cannot relate to a situation. 
but dont think ppl dont care. even if they dont understand. you ,like others on this forum are thought about with feelings.
however from what you have said and are saying, you definately dont want him, i know he sounds a good provider, but he is still not the one you want to be with. 
ask him for the space. can he stay with friends. but as your so adamant you are to go your own ways. 
yes it a tough one, and the money is the issue. 
but i can only say hubby and i split in april, yes were sorting ourselves now. but we were separated but living together. again for the same reasons as you. hubby contributes and i couldnt see him lving in a poki room in his mothers house.
so we stayed in the house, we alternated the settee and the bed, but in your condition , you need the bed. 
by the time i would get up, hed be gone to work. so we had little contact. can you just do that?


----------



## kitty2006 (Aug 19, 2008)

sorry u feel so sad, especially when you have kids, it is so hard to move on, justgather your strength and get yourself together, your kids needs you


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

When things start to get bad you tend to look at the negative stuff. I would think that since you have time on your lease that you use that time to find a solution and see if things can't be worked out between you two. He might not be a great father but he loves his daughter and she knows it.

As far as living on your own you might consider getting another single woman to move in with you to suppliment the rent, but if you split chances are you will have to find some sort of work even if he does pay child support and you do get state aid.

He will not be so lucky having to pay upwards to half his check before taxes and living on the rest without assistance.

You mentioned his record and I will assume a criminal one. I will also assume he got it in his adult life meaning he was or should have been a responcible person.

Can you move back with mom/dad/sister/brother even if it means going to another state?

draconis


----------



## pgk453 (Jul 20, 2009)

You sound very scattered. Find a local help agency and go straight there. They will help you get on your feet. Don't waist years of your life being unhappy or unsafe. pgk


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Sounds like you might need to take some time. You are about to give birth and that is not a good time to be splitting up unless there is infidelity or abuse involved. You didn't tell us enough about what the actual problem is.

If he is just annoying or something then you might need to just wait to split up. It's hard to tell someone not to work on their marriage. It's a commitment....a serious one that should be taken seriously. And divorce is horrible. It hurts two adults and it hurts the children. Once you have actually done it....it hits you like a brick.

Take a deep breath and go see a counselor. You and him. Even if you split up....it will make it a bit more reasonable if you have a third party to help mediate. And you might find out that some of the stuff that you are upset about and some of the problems that you have aren't so big. But if they are....then you might come out of it a little wiser.

Either way.....for what ever reason you jumped into the marriage...at some point you liked this guy....because you got pregnant. Maybe you resent him.....maybe he's jerk. I don't know...but don't think that divorce is a road to happiness....because it definately is not. He will still be a part of your life forever....because you have kids.

keep talking....no one here wants to do anything but help. Some of us might disagree but it's a great place to vent.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Is he abusive? 

I would consider taking that weekend break. 

If he's NOT abusive, then perhaps finding a counselor to help work on yourself. Then, pursue marriage counseling.

You have some much going on right now and leaving, unless it's dangerous, might not be the best way to go. Take a break, go out, take walks, visit friend/family. 

After the baby is born, give yourself some time to reevaluate things and get a clearer picture. Continue counseling, if you've started...This will help you sort things out.


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Going to counselor is a good idea. Just try to find what is the problem and find a way out.

It would be hard for you to give birth alone without his support. Please....Don't rush into making decision. It seems you still care about him. Just hang in there for a moment at least until you gave birth. 

I agree to what corpuswife said. Just wait until you gave birth and then you can try to reevaluate everything in clear mind.


----------

