# I think my wife might be having an affair



## afraid4mymarrage (Nov 5, 2011)

This is the first time I have posted and don't know if this is the right place, but here goes.
Lately my wife and I have been having difficulties in our relationship which have been building for probably the past year. Much of the problem is likely my fault, I have been out of work four a few years now, I have been attending school and doing side work when it comes available. Since I have been out of work I have been fighting depression and anxiety issues because I feel that there have been little prospects for me and this has led to me having a fairly short fuse, and I tend to get angry at my wife for little things. She has been supporting our family throughout this time and I don't think I have shown her the appreciation she deserved.
About a month ago, she sat down next to me on the couch and told me that she is not happy and that she is moving out. I had a feeling this was coming, and only said that if she thinks that is what she needs to do, there is little I can do to stop her. After a few days of talking back and forth, we agreed that she would not leave until after I was done with school, which would be in about three months. In the mean time we agreed that we would do what we could to save our relationship. Since then, I have been trying very hard to be a better husband. I have since gotten a good job, I have gotten the house into order and finished up a lot of things on the honey-do list, I have been trying to set time aside for just her and I and I have been very conscious to not get angry with her for minor thing like not doing any housework. For a while there things seemed to be improving, we had even been cuddling at night and have made love a couple of times, but then last week she seems to have started to pull away again. When I asked what was going on, she went back to her original complaints about me and said that she is going to need time to heal.
I should mention that since the day she said she was going to move out, I have had an uneasy feeling that she is hiding something else from me. This feeling came roaring back and I decided that I needed to try and figure it out for myself. I looked at her phones text history and found a series of texts to another man. I didn't get a chance to get the full context of the messages but they made me think that she might have cheated on me or that she is having an emotional affair with this man. One of the messages had a line saying that she did not regret "being with you". There was a text from him saying that he kept looking at a photo of her and that she is very beautiful. Another text from her said that she had thought of moving to where he is at and finding a job and getting a home. Another group of messages had them both saying that they often think of what might have been. I think this man is from a past relationship she had prior to meeting me, but I am not sure. Since I did not get a chance to get the full context of these messages the first time around, I decided that I wanted to look at them again to try and determine if they were just speaking of the past or if there was something going on now. When I went to look again, many of the messages had been deleted, but new messages had been exchanged between them. None of the messages seemed to be incriminating in ad of themselves, but the tone of the messages seemed to be that of someone in a new relationship.
I have since noticed new messages on her phone from him, but I think my wife might know that I looked at the messages and has been keeping her phone close, to the point that she brings it to be with her and that when a message comes in, she shields the screen. I got a chance to look at the phone again the other day and there were messages from him again on it that again seemed to be in that tone of a new relationship and the next time I looked at the phone, the messages were deleted again.
I have decided to do some research on this man and have figured out that he lives in another state, so unless he has moved here or has visited, I don't think they have been sleeping together, but I am still very worried. I don't know how to approach this situation. Should I confront her about it and risk exposing that I have looked at her private messages. Do I try to get in out of her at her own will, do I just let it go and continue to try and improve our relationship and hope that she will realize that she can't be with me and have a relationship with him, do I try and dig deeper into their conversations and try to access emails and other messages, do I talk to her friends and try to find out if she has mention him to any of them?
I feel that I am walking on thin ice here. I do see some improvements in our relationship. We are talking, saying I love you, being physical with each other and have even made love a few times since these messages started to appear though it seems that I am always the one to initiate it.
What should I do? I really want to make our marriage work for our sake and for the sake of our kids. I have never had an emotional connection to anyone the way I do with my wife, and I just don't see me ever being able to have one like it again. She is one of the few people who I have ever felt like spending time with. I don't connect well with others very often and she is my life.
Please help me.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like she is disconnected from you and the messages on her phone are red flags at the least...writing on on the wall...make an exit plan B while you still can...just in case you can make it work, I doubt you can based on what you've said...but it my 2 cents from a long way away  

I would call her out on the messages myself, maybe not everyone's approach but I do not believe in secrets in marriage (happily divorced) and if you keep it all to yourself it will likely drive you crazy with questions and wondering...

No matter what...all the best to both of you, hope it can be worked out


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You're in the wrong forum. Repost to the Coping with Infidelity forum. You will get a lot of good advice there as to how move forward.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Yes, you do need to ask her about the text. Pick a time the two of you can sit down together. The two of you can't work on your marriage if there is a third person in the picture. You need to ask her but you also need to own your part for the trouble in your marriage. It sounds as if you were not the best husband for awhile, she may have some resentments and decided to go elsewhere for validation. The two of you may need counseling to get past this. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its not time yet to confront. Go to coping with infidelity


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## afraid4mymarrage (Nov 5, 2011)

I have reposted this thread in "Coping with infidelity" as suggested by chapparal. Thank you all for your insight, I would like to keep you in the loop so further discussion will be made in the Coping forum.
Thanks


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