# Logistics of leaving...need advice!



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My therapist advised me (as did some TAM members) to consult with an attorney before telling my H I am divorcing. I did see an attorney for a free initial consultation, and she gave me an idea of how the process goes and is hopeful we can avoid court. 

I have a better idea of what I need to do before I tell my H, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to get this all done without him knowing. The attorney suggested I open my own bank account and stop my automatic paycheck deposits into our joint checking. Also, she said to withdraw half of our savings. There is NO WAY I can do this without him knowing. It would pretty much have to happen all on the same day. But how do I set up a new bank account without giving them my home address? Can I set it up with a PO box only? I will need to find an apartment to move into. I need this available when I tell him b/c I don't know how miserable he will make my life. How do I put a deposit down on an apartment...I can't spend $400-800 without him knowing. I have started looking at apartments that are within my son's school district so he can still go to the same school. The choices are very limited and none are less than a one year lease. I don't feel comfortable committing to a one year lease right off the bat. 

I know I just dumped a lot of questions/issues out there, but I would be very appreciative if anyone can give me any pointers in how to handle the timing and logistics of this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My best friend did this last year. She took ALL the income tax refund to fund her new place. 

Her process was different. She filed for divorce in July and he kept dragging his feet. She realized her only recourse was to just leave. Therefore the following March she took ALL of the income tax refund to fund her new place. He blew a gasket and took her to court. He lost because he had taken ALL of the 401(k) money that she was entitled to part of. He calmed down enough for her to stay until school let out in May (she moved out of the school district)

She had her own bank account but I think she used her mothers address to keep it safe.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Re apartments, I don't know where you live but here, to rent a condo or house you usually need to pay a deposit equal to one month's rent, but in an apartment complex often you pay $100 or nothing for a deposit, depending on your credit. (If you bring a companion animal you often pay a fee or extra deposit)

Sometimes you can break up the deposit into 2 months.

A lot of them offer special deals/coupons for free months or a couple hundred dollars off your first month on Craig's List, and depending on how much they need to rent apartments, you can often negotiate (i.e. "I'm deciding between a few places...I'll sign the lease today but will need you to waive the pet fee and pet rent"), as long as they think you'll walk away otherwise.

Several of the complexes I looked at offered 6 month leases for a little bit higher rent.

My advice is to keep looking until you find something that really works for you and you really like. Good luck!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Waking, I would suggest using a different address, like your parents or sibling's. Do you have a 401k? If so, you can take out a hardship advance, or a loan from that account. I had no issues with accounts, because in my first two marriages, I controlled the money and neither husband ever checked our accounts. This last time, he was the one who wanted the divorce, so I had no need to sneak around with the money. It will take about two weeks for direct deposit of your paycheck to change accounts, so you have some leeway there, and it does sound like you will need to move money in your savings the same day that you come out with him. Do it right BEFORE. Where there's a will, there's a way.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> My therapist advised me (as did some TAM members) to consult with an attorney before telling my H I am divorcing. I did see an attorney for a free initial consultation, and she gave me an idea of how the process goes and is hopeful we can avoid court.
> 
> I have a better idea of what I need to do before I tell my H, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to get this all done without him knowing. The attorney suggested I open my own bank account and stop my automatic paycheck deposits into our joint checking. Also, she said to withdraw half of our savings. There is NO WAY I can do this without him knowing. It would pretty much have to happen all on the same day. But how do I set up a new bank account without giving them my home address? Can I set it up with a PO box only? I will need to find an apartment to move into. I need this available when I tell him b/c I don't know how miserable he will make my life. How do I put a deposit down on an apartment...I can't spend $400-800 without him knowing. I have started looking at apartments that are within my son's school district so he can still go to the same school. The choices are very limited and none are less than a one year lease. I don't feel comfortable committing to a one year lease right off the bat.
> 
> I know I just dumped a lot of questions/issues out there, but I would be very appreciative if anyone can give me any pointers in how to handle the timing and logistics of this.


I'm kind of going through the same thing. Is there a way you can take out $100 here and there when you use your atm card for groceries and things like that? Can you move in with a friend or family member so that you don't have to commit to a year's lease? I am trying to save up $750 for my attorney visit next month, and I plan to take money out of the account gradually and hide it. I have my own checking account and he has his, but they are both joint accounts and we can see them both through the online banking website.


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