# Why can't I tell him how I feel??



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Some of you know my story. I still have not confronted my husband about my unhappiness in the marriage but my therapist has told me it is time to face the facts. I can't keep putting it off b/c of this person's special ocassion, or this holiday or or this party. She told me I cannot go on living the way I do. It can be seriously damaging...

My question is why can I tell my friends what is going on and get all amped up but when I finally get home I just can't sit him down? I just continue to sulk - guess I'm wating for him to ask what's wrong... my therapist feels it's b/c I unleash all my feelings to my friends instead of him but why is it so hard to face him? What am I worried about?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Do you think it would matter if you told him? Do you trust him that he would take what you said seriously and engage in conversation about how to make things better? Are you scared of his reaction to what you have to say? Do you not like confrontation?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I do think it would matter if I told him I was unhappy. I have a feeling he knows but just doesn't want to face it. He's the type to just run away from problems/sweep things under the rug. 

i don't trust him at all but I d think if I told him I was unhappy and considering divorce he'd take me seriosuly but I also feel he may just get upset and jsut walk out. 

Definitely scared of his reaction. I'd be happier to hear he's in agreement or was feeling the same way than deal with him getting mad or upset. 

I don't necessarily liek confrontation but I have always been the type to nip things in he butt as soon as they develop. I don't know why I can't with him though.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I guess you just haven't had enough of his crap yet. When you do, you will have no problem telling him. It took me awhile too.


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## bunnicula (Oct 30, 2010)

Anonny, you are putting a lot of energy into trying to figure out "why" you "can't" tell him. But you may not figure out why for a long time, if ever. There are a million reasons why. But you don't have to figure out the "why" part before you tell him. Just do it, even though you don't know why it's hard (it's very hard, of course, but "can't" is not a part of this). Write down exactly what you're going to say and rehearse it. Then just spit it out, regardless of how you feel about it.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks all. I actually have a letter I wrote. I know what I want to say I just need to start caring more about myself and my feelings. I think it's pretty evident I am unhappy b/c I think family is starting to notice the change in me.


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> I do think it would matter if I told him I was unhappy. I have a feeling he knows but just doesn't want to face it.
> 
> i don't trust him at all but I d think if I told him I was unhappy and considering divorce he'd take me seriosuly but I also feel he may just get upset and jsut walk out.



What do you hope will be the outcome of telling him you're unhappy? Are you hoping that by saying something he'll suddenly say sorry and change? How much has he compromised before in the past? If he has, then that's a good sign. Is he willing to go to regular counciling together for a while?

He'd have to be an idiot not to notice the person he married isn't happy. I'll bet he does. 

Perhaps you might consider to just take action?
How might it work out if you just move out? If your marriage is totally F-ed up beyond repair, maybe that's the next step? 
Have you considered how things might go if you quietly just start taking your boxes of stuff out of the home and into your new rented storage / personal apartment?
Sometimes I consider this move and it helps to know I have another choice and I can put things into perspective.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

@Struggle: Ideally, the outcome I am seeking is for him to admit that he isn't happy either and that the marriage isn't working out so I can move on peacefully. If he says he's sorry and will change I will get angry b/c I invested 8 good year of my life in our relationship and he continuously chose to disrespect me time and time again - even after a confrontation 3 years ago. I brought up counseling twice in the past few year and he always objcted saying things were fine and we didn't need it. that is why I am going on my own now. 

I am considering taking action - I want out. I am just scared f his reaction and probably our families b/c no one knows what's going on and we seem to be such a happy couple on teh outside (we're great socially but we're almost always apart). i think we're too independent and that is one big reason this isn't working but his constant lying, cheating, gambling, occassional drug use behind my back takes most of the cake! 

He would have to move out b/c my father owns the house we live in (we rent from him) and I will not consider a break so he can go f around guilt free (in his eyes) and think I'll take him back. Of course thigs can be worked out but both parties need to be in line with that idea and I am against it. I have suffered to damn long and I'm still young (32), have no children, have a great job and do not own any property with him. 

Now what would you suggest?


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

You have some good things going for you. I feel for you and what you're going through. I'm your age and have no kids too. We should focus on these positives. God knows we need that right now. 



> I want out. I am just scared f his reaction and probably our families b/c no one knows what's going on and we seem to be such a happy couple on teh outside (we're great socially but we're almost always apart).


Depending on what your relationship is like with your family, here is something I'd act on. It sounds good, considering your father is providing your home right now. Can you honestly talk with your mother and father? Any reasons not to? Can you ask that they keep what you tell them in confidence and will they respect it? You might reveal just a bit right now to start. 
Go out for coffee or give mom/dad a call to chat (at a good time) and say that you needed for them to know that you're having marriage troubles. They should understand this... I don't think theres ANY marriage that doesn't have them.

You can say that you've been for counseling and would like your partner to go too. I'd be tactful about how much detail to say. It depends on how much you can trust your parents. The fact that you haven't said anything yet does make me wonder why. 
Why don't they know yet? Don't be afraid of them thinking you / your partner / marriage is not perfect... who is.
Remember that if you do divorce you have plenty of time to reveal details afterwards... some respect to your mate and the privacy of your shared home is good if you reconcile (who knows...)




> the outcome I am seeking is for him to admit that he isn't happy either and that the marriage isn't working out so I can move on peacefully.


Be prepared that might take some time, and you might not ever get it.




> If he says he's sorry and will change I will get angry b/c I invested 8 good year of my life in our relationship and he continuously chose to disrespect me time and time again


It is a good thing that humans have learned to love and forgive each other. Give each other chances, but observe if it's shared.
Give and take (sharing responsibility) is important. It shouldn't always be 1 sided. 



> even after a confrontation 3 years ago. I brought up counseling twice in the past few year and he always objcted saying things were fine and we didn't need it. that is why I am going on my own now.


Good for you for going ahead. "a confrontation"... Don't settle for that one time. (Unless he becomes physically violent and your safety is in doubt.) *Try* more often to sit down together for a time where you talk calmly, and nicely to express what you need and ask if you two together can reach a compromise to work it out. Can this be done? Has it been done in the past? You should have lots of little talks ever so often about things you need from him. Sometimes these talks should be about bigger things too.




> i think we're too independent and that is one big reason this isn't working but his constant lying, cheating, gambling, occassional drug use behind my back takes most of the cake!


I think I get you on the "independent" thing.. That's a huge topic that I'd be happy to chat more about. 
Occasional drug use: my position on this is a little 'experimenting' shouldn't end a marriage. But you should be able to talk about some rules and come to an agreement where it could affect both of you. (ie. if he got arrested, or died in a car crash). 

Gambling: is he addicted or is it a little 'fun'. How much money are we talking about? Does this involve any 'shared' money? If so you try talking together about this if its an issue. Yes.. good luck... try being the operative word. 

It sounds like it's been building up for 3 years... think pressure cooker on boil without a steam valve... boom! Try to avoid that. 

Lying: yea this is a tough one, because if they lie enough they start to believe it themselves.

Cheating: if you have confirmed it beyond a suspicion that he's been f-ing another woman.... just leave and don't look back. 
You can take the next few months on your own to think about if you ever want to try again with the scumbag. There's actually men out there who DONT cheat... trust me (they may be hard to find, but it's worth it).




> He would have to move out b/c my father owns the house we live in (we rent from him)


YAY ! this sounds like a big plus for you. Unlike you I paid for the home and my unhappy wife takes it all for granted that she'd immediately have 50%. 




> and I will not consider a break so he can go f around guilt free
> (in his eyes) and think I'll take him back.


You might be required by law to separate first before a divorce is achieved, check your regional laws.



> Of course thigs can be worked out but both parties need to be in line with that idea and I am against it.


What would it take for things to work out? 
Whats the probability he can achieve that?
How will you feel if he makes mistakes again? He's human and likely will repeat old behaviour and mistakes. Can you handle it?


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

When I left my husband, my mother knew nothing of the abuse that went on in my marriage. I always lied to her about the reason for my tears, sleepless nights, and even injuries at times. When I left my husband, my mother had pegged me as a liar because the only thing she knew of my marriage were the lies I told my husband. I was allowed to tell her about my f--k ups while we were together, but was not allowed to tell my family about his. So, when my mom told me that I had a tendency to lie (during my separation) I had enough. I let her have it. I told her that she was never to call me that again, and informed her that she did not know the reason for the lies I told my husband. I then blurted out everything my husband ever did to me. My mother felt so bad. She apologized over and over. I had created the label for myself, by never telling anyone about the way my husband treated me. I had convinced my own family that I was the problem in my marriage... NOT HIM! I am only telling you this to let you know that, if you are worried about how your family will view you, they will eventually figure out what has really gone on. My mother did. She immediately 'got it'. She even cried because I had gone through so much. As a matter of fact, it took everything to get he to be in the same room with him again, when we reconciled.

On the other hand, I think it is really only us co-dependent people who worry about what others close to us will think. Your happiness should mean more than what you family will think of you by doing what you have to do in order to be happy. Even if it was all your fault, if your family loves you (and blood runs thick) then they will love you no matter what you may have done. The people who love you will want you to be happy.

I really hope that this makes sense. Don't worry about others. Just worry about you. Anybody who attempts to judge you, or hold what you have needed to do in order to be happy against you need not be a part of your life. Anyone who does this to you should have no value to you.

I can say that this is normal though, as I worried about the same things when I left my husband. I thought "Will my father in law hate me?", "Will my step-daughters hate me?", "Will our friends hate me?". I can tell you that you more than likely will not have much contact his family or friends when you leave, but that's okay. Those people should be there for him. They are his family and his friends. Let him have them.

I am rambling. I am so sorry. Just put the words in your letter into motion.


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

> if you are worried about how your family will view you, they will eventually figure out what has really gone on. My mother did. She immediately 'got it'


Exactly... right now they may be aware of a lot more than you know(unless they live on the other end of the county and you never come in contact). And if not, they'll eventually find out. Why not reveal some of what you are feeling now?



> The people who love you will want you to be happy.


Well said.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Wow Struggle -thanks for all of that! 

I know I should talk to my parents but I feel that I don't want to give them all the details b/c 1) our families are close 2) they give each other business 3) overlap of friends and ppl form my end involved with his end (dating, married, etc). I'm sorry if these sound stupid. 

We have horrible time communicating. We can be in the car together and no even say two words to each other. Checks in with me once a day while i'm at work for 2 seconds - at the dinner table, he's done in 5 minutes - never tells me about his day, never asks me about mine.

Occasional drug use - I get if it was pot but doing exctasy behind my back when he knows I am so opposed to that kills me esp when it is with certain group of friends or if I know certain girls are around. THAT BOTHERS ME! 

Gambling - I have no idea how much he puts out there and had a number of his sheets investigated. He's quite deviant and I know he hides $$ from me. We've alswyas talked about buying a house yt approvals has to be done in my name (he runs a cash business) - I tell him we cant find anything decent on my income alone - only contributes his 2 week paycheck. Uses $$ on teh side to gmble. I also think he deals steriods or acts as a middleman at least.

Lying - I will ask him point blank - are you gambling I found this sheet with ___ he'll say no or mention some big event (Preakness, Super Bowl, NCAA - depending on teh season since I know my sports). 

Cheating - I have no evidence that he's f'ed anyone but have read numerous texts that insinuate it 9look at my other threads). Regardless if he didn't do anything physical HOW DARE he communicate teh way he does w GIRLS THAT KNOW ME! I look liek an f'in fool!! He does this in front of his friends too in places in our area!!!

NY just passed no fault so I do not need a 1 yr sep nor do I need to prove anything. I can just file (irreconcible differences) and walk away. 

I don't know what it would take to work anything out - I have had it. To hear ppl say I deserve better or wouldnt want to be married to my husband (sometimes this is said in front of me otehr times I have heard it while ppl thought i was in elsewhere).

He has made the same mistakes again and again and that is why I feel like I need to end this. I will not sit around for more of this crap to go down.

Sorry for all the misspelling - typing fast and with anger!


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Crisis - you're not ramobling at all and you make soem good points. Of course my family is going to support me no matter what - I shouldn't be afraid that they won't. I know I shouldn't care what others think and if they want to judge me let them, right? I just really need to build up my courage. I need to face him - it's all an act and I can't act fake any longer - it's not me. I don't like that ths situation is making me act this way.


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

> I know I should talk to my parents but I feel that I don't want to give them all the details b/c 1) our families are close 2) they give each other business 3) overlap of friends and ppl form my end involved with his end (dating, married, etc). I'm sorry if these sound stupid.


Doesn't sound stupid at all. Very real and reasonable. I understand better now. 

Maybe a good thing too to stop trying to hide .... perhaps when we have a community of witnesses we're not so alone. I feel like I have no one to witness or confirm my experience. It's sad, scary and overwhelming.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

thestruggle said:


> Exactly... right now they may be aware of a lot more than you know(unless they live on the other end of the county and you never come in contact). And if not, they'll eventually find out. Why not reveal some of what you are feeling now?
> 
> 
> Well said.


I have a feeling that our families might think something is up. I am always so happy, full of laughs. Lately I am somewhat distant, a little snotty and short with them - inlaws and my family.


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

> I know he hides $$ from me. We've alswyas talked about buying a house yt approvals has to be done in my name (he runs a cash business) - I tell him we cant find anything decent on my income alone - only contributes his 2 week paycheck. Uses $$ on teh side to gmble. I also think he deals steriods or acts as a middleman at least.


This is something.... It sounds like you are contributing more than he is. What's his reason he told you for the inequity? What do you mean by 'runs a cash business'. Is this his day job? Has he got a solid job? Is he a lazy f'ing freeloader whos making you rent your Dad's apartment and not contributing?


Lying - I will ask him point blank - are you gambling I found this sheet with ___ he'll say no or mention some big event (Preakness, Super Bowl, NCAA - depending on teh season since I know my sports). 




> Cheating - I have no evidence that he's f'ed anyone but have read numerous texts that insinuate it 9look at my other threads). Regardless if he didn't do anything physical HOW DARE he communicate teh way he does w GIRLS THAT KNOW ME! I look liek an f'in fool!! He does this in front of his friends too in places in our area!!!


For your marriage to work he should be able to respect your wishes about not talking 'sexy' online or offline with people. 
If it's going on under your nose, he's likely testing you to see what he can get away with that you see. He may be so used to 'doing what he wants' that he's got a loose mouth and expects you to be OK with that. 

Question: when you were dating were you ok with him being 'the bad boy' or did you realize this later? 




> NY just passed no fault so I do not need a 1 yr sep nor do I need to prove anything. I can just file (irreconcible differences) and walk away.


Sounds like another a big YAY for you! Keep track of the positives!




> I have had it. ... he has made the same mistakes again and again and that is why I feel like I need to end this. I will not sit around for more of this crap to go down.


If you're at that point... then draw up your plan of action. Keep it in a safe place (online?) and keep going back to it. Use it like a checklist. One step at a time you'll get there.
I've seen titles on here of people who are sharing, "FINALLY DIVORCED!!!" read the success stories for inspiration!


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Struggle - he's in food service (ex like a pizzeria) cash business as the are refered to in NY - don't want to get into specifics but you get what I mean... I think he loves that we don't have a mortgage b/c he wtill has enough $$ to gamble with on the side.

When I was dating him I knew he was a bit of a palyer but most guys I know/grew up with are and when they find the one it usually changes - well not for me. 

Def have some good positives on my side. Just need to build up the courage to talk to him. I've confronted him already (3 yrs ag) and it got me know where - fell on deaf ears I guess. 

My friends all tell me I deserve better, deserve to be happy. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Thanks for your support. Wish me luck!!


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