# Sex w/ the Wife is Difficult



## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Hello,

I am new here to the forums, but have been reading for a few months now. A little back story to help understand the problem. 

I met my wife 5-6 years ago. We were sexually active before we got married, it was normal for us to have sex maybe 3 times a week. The first vacation I went on with her to visit her family I think we did it 5-6 times in the 7 or 8 days we were visiting. We got married in October of 2010, leading up to that the frequency started to decline, but it was at such a slow pace I did not take too much notice to it. She was also finishing her degree during that time (and for about a year into our marriage) so I chalked it up to school stress. 

She has been out of school for a year and a half now. She only works about 30 hours a week (we also work together). The last time we visited her family (Christmas time) we had no intimate contact. For about 3-4 months after we had sex either once a month or just not at all. I think the longest time we went between was maybe 45 days or so. 

We have also been seeing a marriage counselor for over a year now. The original reason for going to one in the first place was because she wanted me to overcome my "problem" with pornography and masturbation. I agreed to go because I love my wife and I want us to have a strong and healthy relationship.

A short history of each of us. She has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, currently she is on Pristiq. She takes it every other day per her psych doc. She has recently been diagnosed with A.D.D. and is taking Ridilin daily. I have no history of any mental problems. I am taking no medication for anything. I have been "into" pornography and masturbation since I was about 10 years old (currently 32). 

I have a very high sex drive. A couple of times a day is something I could easily do and be very happy doing that. My wife has said many times that she could not do it more than once every few says as she is too sore and could not physically do that. I understand that and I never press her for it. 

Within the past year sex has been painful for her. She says there is a spot just barely on the inside of her that feels like glass is cutting her. So when we have sex (even with an excessive amount of lube) I am worried the whole time I am hurting her. When it is hurting her (about 2 minutes into it) she will just lie there and wait for me to finish, and to finish quickly. She also has a self lubrication problem, she is usually dry and cannot self lubricate, which is why we use a lot of lube. She has been to the gyno a couple of times. She got her birth control changed that has a bit more estrogen, and she is also using an estrogen cream. 

Does anyone have any advice for my situation?


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## khaleesivirge (Jul 2, 2013)

Sardis, I've also been a long time lurker on TAM and so many times I wanted to reply but didn't. Honestly, I would just sit down and talk to her in a setting outside of the bedroom and express my concerns. Be gentle with your words but let her know that there has to be a move toward a solution, that this is a problem for you.Resentments creep in when issues are not spoken or acknowledged. It could also be that you two spend WAY too much time together too.. just a thought... Good luck!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

My first question is are you perhaps willing to, for a time, suspend your porn viewing. Masterbation still okay but without porn. I'm sure this has already com up in your MC. If its bothering her enough to go to counseling this is likely a huge intimacy barrier for her. 

Being a woman - I can tell you this is not uncommon in women - to feel threatened by porn usage. Not just threatened but perhaps your wife feels that you are using her in the same way you are using the porn. Perhaps if you are willing to suspend this it may show a willingness on your part. You are willing to compromise - perhaps she will be more likely to compromise.

The pain with sex - that is a big deal. Obviously nobody is going to want to have sex if they associate it with pain. When shes gone to the doctor have they been able to find what is causing it?

Thirdly her meds could very likely be killing her sex drive and even making it difficult to orgasm - but it sounds like if shes having pain that is already preventing an orgasm.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How can you expect a man to abstain when you're not willing to give it up? You're already cruel but want to step up to cruel and unusual? Only when you satisfy your man do you have grounds to comment on porn and masturbation. 

Not YOU. I mean the op's wife. You know what I mean.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Did she eat wedding cake at the wedding?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She had her wedding. Now she is stuck with a groom. Too bad they can't hang their husbands in the closet with their wedding dress.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry I'm a tad bit bitter.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you been told that you are addicted to porn? If not excessive then what reason does she give you for wanting you to stop. 

Did she know you used porn before you got married and did she say anything at that time?


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I feel that my exposure to porn as a child of 10 was sexual abuse.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

This is borne out by the fact that it is ILLEGAL to share porn with a child.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, obviously one problem is that he's not getting laid. The other problem is that shes not getting any enjoyment out of sex and likely feels like a masturbation tool when he gets hot for porn.

We need to meet in the middle. 

And salamander has a good point - how is it you started viewing porn at age 10?


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## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Lol, yes, she did eat the wedding cake... I have heard of that before.

To answer a few questions:

Yes, she did know about the porn before we got married and did not say much about it before hand.

I was exposed to porn at the age of 10 by happening across a playboy at a friends house, and from there was always curious.

I have been told by the marriage counselor that it is possible I am addicted to porn, and I am not discounting that as a possibility. 

One of the ways I look at it has been brought up, and that is yes, I am afraid to completely give it up and abstain when my wife seems to have a LD and it also hurts to have sex. One thing that I have been told is that I did not get married to abstain from sex. I got married so I can have sex. Not just any sex, but loving passionate sex with the love of my life. So far it has turned into a lot of "hurry up and get your rocks off cause it is starting to hurt." The only other thing she does for me is an occasional hand job, but there always seems to be this disinterest on her face, like she would rather be doing something else than be with me. That also makes it hard to share with her when ever I am in the mood because to me I feel like I am just interrupting her day.

We have sat down and discussed what is going on and she is working on it, I will admit. But if sex is hurting her, I just don't want to have sex with her and put her in any kind of pain...


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

If you are having sex that you learned from porn on your wife, hell yeah is it going to hurt. porn sex is not the kind of sex that loving people have without a lot of warming up and great communication. and that is coming from a freaky, freaky lady.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

I hope that you research how porn lifestyle actually affects the women in the field. It's not a pretty exploration, but if your heart is open, you may learn much compassion for women on your journey that your porning did not illuminate. 

Best wishes,
and my heart goes out to you for your childhood. 10 is too fragile an age for exposure to the roughness and visceral images of hardcore porn.

What a tragedy. I hope with all my heart and soul that you and wife heal from this history.

blessings to you, 
s.


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## khaleesivirge (Jul 2, 2013)

I agree. If she has expressed her aversion to you watching porn then it's a problem you have to address with your wife and abstain from, especially if you have told her that you would. A loss of trust will surely complicate things further. As sad as it may be, you seem to have a chicken before the egg situation going on with abstaining and/or getting some..


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Has she always experienced pain? I am trying to understand why sex has stopped suddenly. Did she give birth vaginally? Some women start experiencing vaginismus after vaginal birth. If not she might be experiencing vaginal pain from her meds. Have you explored that? It can be treated by a physical therapist that specializes in PC muscles. Don't be surprised if it's brushed off by a DR as being all in her head.

I would get to the bottom of this pain for sure. Let her know that something needs to change because you want to have sex with her rather than rely on porn.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I have a feeling that her dragging the OP to MC and the whole porn thing is nothing but stall tactics.

Also, if she's feeling pain similar to glass cutting her for the past year she should see an MD as soon as possible. But I bet my house that there's no real pain or discomfort and this is just another stall tactic, or else she would have seen a doctor already.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This problem is very hard to fix. She's really deep into marriage harming thought processes:

-- Depressed, has ADD, and taking two different medications
-- Her vagina hurts when you have sex
-- She has a problem with your porn use

These are all signs that she has a deep fear of sex. All of these things are her self protection. 

Now, since you don't indicate that you have children, my main recommendation is do you want a wife as a project? Accept the fact that you are sexual, you have needs, and you have a wife that currently cannot meet your needs and make you happy. And you are young and this may never change. Are you willing to make an enormous gamble, with no guarantee of success, when there is probably many women out there that do not fear sex with their husbands?

Since you are probably going to reject that advice, and try to undergo a project with an uncertain outcome, this is what you have to do. You have to make her not fear sex so much, and you have to make her fear Lack of Sex. You do the former by making her feel safe and secure and happy with you as her husband. You do the latter by making her understand that you are sexual, rejecting her characterization of you being abnormal, and making it clear that if she does not meet your needs she will be replaced.


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## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Her expressed aversion did not come until after we we were married. We dated for about 3 years prior to getting married. During that dating time sex was never an issue, and the sex that we had was great! It was after we got marred that it turned into "vanilla" sex. Then about a year or so into being married it started to hurt her. The sex that we have no when we do have sex is no where near "porn" sex. My goal for us is not to have "porn" sex, but to both enjoy each other. Why is it so much to ask that I want her to have just as much pleasure as I am having when we have sex? Before we were married she admitted to me that she would masturbate on occasion and that once or twice a week was normal for her. Now she does not do anything for herself. The last time she had an orgasm was maybe a month ago and it was because I kind of forced the using of her vibrator while we had sex, since that is really the only thing that gets her going. When she gets really turned on and self lubricates it does not hurt her. But when she is not turned on, no amount of lube will help enough. Before that she had not had an orgasm in over 4 months. 

She has just grown so disinterested in sex. Even on our wedding night the sex was very "meh" because we were both so tired after the whole day. I am a firm believer that the meds are what is screwing her up. Also, on a side note unrelated to sex, it is not unusual for my wife to sleep 12-14 hours a night. 

And on a side note about porn at such a young age. I said I saw a playboy and that started my curiosity. If anyone has ever seen a playboy we all know there are no hardcore sex pictures happening. All you see in those are pictures of naked girls.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You spend 1 paragraph clearly showing that the decline in her sex drive started on your wedding night.

Then in your second paragraph you say that you are a firm believer tha the meds are what is screwing her up.

I am a firm believer that she thinks that sex is not "appropriate" for married women... I will search for a recent post that spells this out clearly for you.

Read the post by Anon_Pink this clearly spells it out for you.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/93913-different-sex-levels.html

The depression is not the cause of anything. It is a sympton of her internal struggle that she is longing for a sexual marriage and preventing herself from having one.


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## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Well, there are two different things at work in the what I am describing. First off, my wife was diagnosed with depression when she was in high school, about 8-10 years ago. So she has been on some form of medicine since then, usually some form of effexor or pristiq. When we were dating there was no indication that she would have any problems with her sex drive. Now I will say that just before we got married she ran out of her prescription and let it ride for about 2-3 months with no meds. So we started our marriage off with her trying to go cold turkey off of depression meds. Since then it has gone down hill. 

Now when I say that I am convinced the meds are causing problems, I mean physiologically. She used to never have any self lubrication issues. Although I do see the point that she was on meds for so long before hand, what has changed? I could just go cold turkey off of porn and rely completely on her for any type of release, but due to the amount I am used to I will be one grouchy irritated SOB as it will probably be weeks in between release. I am not ok with that. 

I do feel that since we married there are "appropriate" things married women do and "inappropriate" things women do. The list is far longer for what is inappropriate. Things we used to do before we were married are now taboo and not ok. I will state it again, she new that I watched porn before we even got engaged, so this is not a new discovery after marriage like I have read about in the past.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sardis333 said:


> Well, there are two different things at work in the what I am describing. First off, my wife was diagnosed with depression when she was in high school, about 8-10 years ago. So she has been on some form of medicine since then, usually some form of effexor or pristiq. When we were dating there was no indication that she would have any problems with her sex drive. Now I will say that just before we got married she ran out of her prescription and let it ride for about 2-3 months with no meds. So we started our marriage off with her trying to go cold turkey off of depression meds. Since then it has gone down hill.
> 
> Now when I say that I am convinced the meds are causing problems, I mean physiologically. She used to never have any self lubrication issues. Although I do see the point that she was on meds for so long before hand, what has changed? I could just go cold turkey off of porn and rely completely on her for any type of release, but due to the amount I am used to I will be one grouchy irritated SOB as it will probably be weeks in between release. I am not ok with that.
> 
> I do feel that since we married there are "appropriate" things married women do and "inappropriate" things women do. The list is far longer for what is inappropriate. Things we used to do before we were married are now taboo and not ok. I will state it again, she new that I watched porn before we even got engaged, so this is not a new discovery after marriage like I have read about in the past.


Yea they didnt have porn when we were dating other than the occasional cave drawing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wrapped up with one train of thought that will not help you in your marriage: thinking about what is wrong with your wife and how to fix her / it.


What you have to be wrapped up in is reminding yourself you are normal, reminding youself what you want and deserve in life, reminding yourself what a good wife is and what a bad wife is, and eventually you convince her to become what it is you are envisionioniong or accept the consequence of not doing so.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just curious as to whether or not your wife has seen a doctor for the pain? She has obviously seen doctors for her depression.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well as always I see lots of men trashing her because there is nothing more sacred then a man's right to sex and as much porn as he wants. That's what wives exist for right? We can't possibly have our own needs and issues. Geez, if I was having pain during sex and my hb informed me that I was not "meeting his needs", because that's all that matters (as opposed to concern for me and missing our intimacy) I'd never have sex with him again. Fortunately you seem to be more enlightened OP, and that gives me hope. The pain and porn use are two separate issues, imo. Women that enjoy sex before marriage enjoy it after marriage unless something changes. Unless she faked it before marriage, which a lot of women do but many men don't pay attention, they just know they're getting sex. Let's assume she didn't fake it, pain can show up any time for a number of reasons and it's cause should be aggressively pursued, if her doctor can't help go to another one until you can find out what's going on.
I totally get your reluctance to stop porn while you're having sex problems with her but as another poster pointed out porn can create a lot of intimacy problems for women. Men don't seem to want to get this because they're so protective of their God given right to porn, but it's really true. Tell a woman all you want that it's not about her and dig your heels in but it won't change the intimacy issue. Then when she walks down the road because of the intimacy she's a waw that must be having an affair. I would continue with counseling but understand that porn is a problem, so maybe you can keep it discreet while you work on her pain and intimacy between the two of you? Do you engage in non sexual touching with your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Was your wife previously orgasmic?...

Would she be willing to engage in mutual oral sex until the soreness go's away?

The Ritalin she has been taking can increase libido, but ssri's do just the opposite....Bupropion (welbutrin)is an antidepressant that may actually increase libido, you might want to talk to her doctor....

She needs to seriously address the vaginal pain issue....Just a trip to the gyno isn't going to get it....She needs referral to a specialist.....

She could be suffering from a condition known as vaginismus....It is primarily a psychological problem.......

Of course some women will say...If it gets better, or doesn't, just suck it up, you are a man, and don't deserve sex anyhow, so it really isn't an issue......Besides you look at porn so you are a rather low form of human....

I hope you can find some help for your problem, I have been in a sexless marriage, and know I can be a serious problem.....

the woodchuck


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Was your wife previously orgasmic?...
> 
> Would she be willing to engage in mutual oral sex until the soreness go's away?
> 
> ...


In the most times when you get to this point, and it's pain and a burden, sex is not going to be had. A "nice" gf or wife may perform oral at some respectable rate. This would probably be a sexual person who would want you to do the same for them.



Woodchuck said:


> She could be suffering from a condition known as vaginismus....It is primarily a psychological problem.......


A girlfriend of mine had this condition. I explained that it was treatable. The way she looks at it is "she can't have sex". So you can't force it.



Woodchuck said:


> Of course some women will say...If it gets better, or doesn't, just suck it up, you are a man, and don't deserve sex anyhow, so it really isn't an issue......Besides you look at porn so you are a rather low form of human....


You are a low form of human for wanting it, when you see that they have an ailment or physical or psychological issue blocking sex for them. They don't see that cutting the sex off ( and many cases intimacy too ), that it is painful and degrading and the rejection hurts and on most people strips drive, motivation and confidence - and can even result in ED and low test.



Woodchuck said:


> I hope you can find some help for your problem, I have been in a sexless marriage, and know I can be a serious problem.....
> 
> the woodchuck


Back in the olden days. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but you've heard of misstresses or prostitutes used when the wife simply cannot perform and it was acceptable.

Sexless sucks, there has to be a smoother way to deal with it.

I think if you get with a sexual person in the first place, and a reasonable one at that, who liked you for you... That even if they could not perform, you would recieve sexual gratification of some type, because they know you'd do the same for them.


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## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Sorry, responding from mobile device. See the post below.


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## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Thank you all who have replied. I have several things to take into consideration. The first priority is looking to myself to try and abstain from pornography. The second is to have wife get her spot checked out, since it is not healing in a timely manner. 

Again, thank you for all the responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Sardis333 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sardis333,

Looks like a blank message.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> Is it not possible to masurbate without porn? I'm not bashing porn, but you said you fear going weeks without a release. Why? Are you unable to orgasm without porn?


I've always wondered about this myself. I'm a woman. Masturbation without porn is a unique thing to learn... and it can teach you a lot about yourself. (I learned about this in sex therapy many years ago)

And I will say that I once had a long time bf that said he used "me" as his inspiration, so to speak. I dont know why, but that really struck a chord with me (in a nice way)


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## Sardis333 (Jul 2, 2013)

Well I will say this, I would love to be able to use my wife as my soul source for visual stimulus. I know that she cannot be available 100% of the time, but if I had either pictures or videos or even a recording of her talking dirty to me, that would be the best. I have expressed this to her a few times, but she also is working through some issues of her own regarding that specific subject. Hopefully one day she will be comfortable with herself enough to be able to help me in that particular way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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