# Husbands- what is your take on porn and masturbating in marriage



## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Hi there, new to the site. I will try to keep this as brief as possible but it's a sticky situation..
I'm 25, been married going on 6 yrs, we dated for two yrs before marriage. We had a shotgun wedding.. But always knew we wanted to get married. 
Another detail I should share is my husband was diagnosed with bipolar about 1.5 yrs ago. This was a relief to me because it explained a lot about him, but at the same Time I feel he uses it as aN excuse for his behavior or mistakes sometimes..

After our first child was born (5yrs ago) My husband was so excited with our son that I became last priority. I still had baby weight, was emotional as it was, and as much as I loved becoming the mom I always wanted to be, I was devastated and felt rejected by my husband. He has always had a lower sex drive than me, which I tried to keep in mind, but I was (and still am!) young and beautiful. It was hard getting turned down for sex especially at a time where I needed to connect with my spouse. I caught my husband looking at porn one night on our computer, maybe 2-3 months after our baby was born. A fight followed, of course... His response was that he "knew sometimes I wanted to have sex but he wasn't in the mood, so he was trying to get aroused for me before coming up to me to bed." I think most people could see as emotional as I was that was very hurtful. He seemed sorry after I explained why it hurt me, but a few weeks later I caught him again. About a year later an incident happened where I am sure he cheated but he still denies it to this day and gets mad if I bring it up. Needless to say, I have had major trust issues with him, esp since he is a reserved person who doesn't open up about anything. 

the years that followed have literally been a roller coaster. We moved across the country, had a second child. We have really good periods, then it'll go downhill for a bit, but overall better than our first married year.. The past year in our new house things have been going really well for us. We have been much more adventurous with sex and I had tried to brush my insecurities away if something pornographic came on TV we were watching together for example. I've tried to stop being so jealous and I kept telling myself that all men are like this; they're going to look at porn right? I grew up in a Mormon household (not religious anymore) and I'm sure that plays a role in how I feel about pornography. Anyways, try as I may my insecurities creep up time to time and I get a little worried if he's in a "down" phase and not being affectionate, etc.. I still have the higher sex drive between us, although I've stopped initiating like I used to early in marriage because I don't want to be a turn off or seem "desperate". I sort of resent him because he still makes me feel like last priority, denies me sex (we have an ok amount, but I'd like more), and is occupied with other stuff constantly like his phone. 
But last night we were talking and I found out he occasionally pulls up porn and masturbates. I became furious and told him I didn't understand how he could do that to me when he knows I'm laying alone upstairs wanting to have sex. He told me "it was times where I wanted a quickie, no offense but sex is tasking and it usually takes a while to get us both satisfied".... 
I'll stop there because I could go on forever lol..

Am I wrong for feeling like I'm getting cheated? Am I wrong to say what he's doing is selfish? 
Men: do you view porn and do your wives know? If they do and they're against it, do you even try to accommodate her wishes or do men use the "I can't help it, I'm a man" excuse and keep at it behind her back or what? 
Let me add I've travelled with my kids and hubby stayed home. We "sexted" a lot and I'm aware he looked at porn then when I was out of state; I think that's normal and fine. But am I wrong to only want him looking at me when I'm home and always making myself available to him? 
Thanks for listening, I'm in a bad place right now with the relation ship overall


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Not a man, but we share the Mormon upbringing so I will comment.

There are two problems at play, it sounds like. 

1) Porn. You can feel however you want about porn. How you feel is how you feel. When I left the church I myself started watching a bit of porn as a woman. I've always had a higher sex drive and it's a bit of an escape from time to time. You don't have to accept the church's very stringent views on porn - but you don't have to like it either. Don't feel like you have to go all the way to the other side either.

2) Like a lot of us here you are being slowly starved of intimacy and affection. If you were having all the sex you wanted and your intimacy needs were being met you might not care if your DH was masturbating and might not even care if he was using porn to do it. Maybe you would and maybe you wouldn't but the bottom line is that you are long term hungry for his affection and its frustrating to you if he's having sexual urges and masturbating as it's viewed as taking an experience that you wanted to share in and keeping it from you.

So - there are a few of us here, the women who have the higher sex drive and married less affectionate men who don't like to talk about sex. Marrying someone with a lower sexual temperature than you is a constant source of frustration. And more to the point - men are supposed to want sex and chase tail all day long. To be a woman who isn't desired, isn't being chased, is being rejected - that is an extra burden of shame. You can't help but take it personal that something is wrong with you while every other woman you know is getting hounded for sex all the time and complaining to you about it. 

So anyway, I don't think you would know for sure how you felt about porn until you were having your sexual needs met consistently. But again, that doesn't mean you have to like it in the end.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

MissScarlett, 
Yes! Thank you so much. I needed to add that in there but I didn't, I knew my post was long enough already lol. But I should add I have viewed it myself and that's one of the things we have done when I referred to being more adventurous lately.. 
We have watched tiny bit together over the past 6 mos or so, it's a little awkward honestly. Alcohol was usually involved lol. 
We've also kind of flirted and swapped pics through instant messaging, like "oh look at this hot pic, I'd like to do that to you!" Etc and it was fine I guess bc he was so absorbed with me and talking about US that i guess it didn't bother me. But last night he was "in total shock, he thought we were at a better place where we were ok with that, opening up, ok with each other looking and masturbating whenever"... I told him yes, I was ok with it but I didn't think you were wanting or needing it, I figured you'd come to me first but to find out you did it when likely I was upstairs wishing you were with me... It's hurtful


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

I explained to him that I think the couples/ wives who are ok with this type of stuff are in a very secure, happy relationship where they know and feel they are top priority. He told me I was doing this to myself, that just because he's in a down phase doesn't mean he doesn't love me... To which I replied, " even in your up phases you aren't affectionate and making me feel loved." 
He basically dismissed me saying I'm making myself feel that way, then turned it around to where he played victim and was like "you know when I'm in these moods I can barely handle myself, how am I supposed to make you happy and have ur feelings be top priority?" 

I understood that point but I feel like he uses the bipolar as an excuse sometimes bc whenever I bring up a valid point he changes the topic to himself and his mood or says "I can't handle this right now" etc


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You are not wrong. In cases where the spouses are willing to be initimate and the other spouse is off watching porn that I feel even the most pro porn people will agree is wrong. 
Is there a compromise to be made? Watch it together?


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

richie33 said:


> You are not wrong. In cases where the spouses are willing to be initimate and the other spouse is off watching porn that I feel even the most pro porn people will agree is wrong.
> Is there a compromise to be made? Watch it together?


Thank for your comment, good to hear my feelings are valid. But see that's the problem is he is telling me he has done this at times where he literally just wanted To, and I quote, "cum and get it over with. It's a quickie you don't get when you're with another person, how do you not understand that? It had nothing to do with the porn"

I am confused myself. He first said " sometimes doing that is easier and quicker than trying to satisfy both of us… It's one of those things like I really don't want to go through The motions, I just want to cum. There's no way to say that and not sound like a **** but that is the truth." So I guess it doesn't matter to him that I would watch it with him if he asked. This was literally just about 'getting off', but my question is why couldn't he have come to me when I'm always available? and also if the kids or time were an issue I would've been fine helping him hurry and finish by, uh.. Giving him oral so he can finish but not myself, I've done it before. Makes me happy to know I can satisfy him. When I mentioned this he said he thought with my high sex drive it would be a tease.. 

Later he said "now this feels very controlling.. We've come so far, why would you want to take that all away right now? You have to believe this is going to be a big setback for our sex life now" (was he like guilt tripping or threatening? I don't get it) 
"Why does it even matter if we are still having sex and I do that sometimes too?"

Am I crazy that these quotes made me lose it completely?


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

I am a man and this is how I see it. If my Wife and I were not having as much sex as I wanted and then I found out she was masterbating I would be pissed off.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Your story sounds pretty much exactly like my marriage... Im the higher drive spouce, h not so much, but hed watch porn. Our sex life really starting going down hill while I was pregnant with our first..went from there. As of right now we havent had sex for a year and I just dont care what he does anymore.

How often are you and your husband having sex? Obvioisly its not enough for you..


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## colonelkfc (Jul 4, 2014)

I'm sure that Porn means different things to different people, and it impacts people and relationships in different ways.

Personally, when I watch porn, it is often for the pure enjoyment/entertainment value. I like being entertained and it does not always have to end in sexual relief.

My Wife (to the best of my knowledge) does not watch a great deal of porn, but I would encourage her 100% because the few times we have watched it together, she has been turned on. I'm guessing she would just prefer to find other things to do when she has spare time such as online shoe and cosmetics shopping 

I also know that she will also find herself in the mood during the day without watching porn (she sends me text messages to let me know that "I missed out"  ). I find that just as exciting knowing what she has been up to.

In the few times she has questioned why I enjoy porn (and just to clarify, it is not an obsession for me), I have told her that I would be just as happy to watch her perform similar acts (and she has). So it is not about watching "more attractive" women, it is about the titillation. A simple way to relax and one of the ways to forget the crap we put up with in our working lives.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Not a man, but we share the Mormon upbringing so I will comment.
> 
> There are two problems at play, it sounds like.
> 
> ...


And women who buy into this incorrect generalization and stereotype, who assume it is true simply because it is the conventional wisdom are setting themselves up to feel rejected, undesired when they discover that it is not true, not by a long shot.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Porn's not a problem, unless it's a problem.

And getting turned on for porn when he knows you're in the next room wanting sex and not getting it is a problem.

You need to get at why he's seeking porn rather than the real deal. I like porn (within reason).

But I love reality more.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

ladybird said:


> Your story sounds pretty much exactly like my marriage... Im the higher drive spouce, h not so much, but hed watch porn. Our sex life really starting going down hill while I was pregnant with our first..went from there. As of right now we havent had sex for a year and I just dont care what he does anymore.
> 
> How often are you and your husband having sex? Obvioisly its not enough for you..



a year?! With you being the HD spouse, I am assuming you have taken matters into your own hands then? (which is fine when you are not getting what you deserve!) I couldn't handle that, I think we would be divorced way before a year.. My husband is not affectionate really in other ways either, so sex IS my affection from him and my bonding time and I think thats why I want it so much. We have sex 1-2 times a week. MAYBE 3 if I'm lucky that week, but we are 25 and 31! It's only going to go downhill as we age, LOL, why can't we have as much sex and enjoy it while we can? I'd like to have sex minimum 3 times a week, and also have it be quality sex at least twice a week. (he can be a little stingy when it comes to how long its taking... could you've guessed that?)


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

colonelkfc said:


> I'm sure that Porn means different things to different people, and it impacts people and relationships in different ways.
> 
> Personally, when I watch porn, it is often for the pure enjoyment/entertainment value. I like being entertained and it does not always have to end in sexual relief.
> 
> ...




I agree 100%, which is why I tried explaining to him since I don't feel desired and happy in our marriage as it is, I am extremely offended to find out he's looking at it, or getting off without me


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

samyeagar:
I don't expect him to always chase, obviously I do most of the chasing since i'm HD anyways. And I've even asked him if it bothers him or is it a turnoff that I initiate, he said no, its fine he doesnt care at all. (I wasn't really surprised, he seems like its never on his mind for him to initiate.. i hate to use the word but he's very 'lazy' about sex in general, especially initiating and getting things started. and we both know if i DIDN'T initiate, we would probably have sex 2-3 times a month, if that!)

marduk- thanks for your comment, I was hoping that this was how men feel on here..

I know that this post could go on forever with me, because there are other underlying/associated problems, but seriously every comment has confirmed that my feelings on this are valid and I really appreciate everyone's input. I literally had nobody to talk to about this and being able to vent on here has been therapeutic. I hope I can return the favor to others. 
Now my thoughts are just, is there other men out there who totally disagree on this? is anything I am doing/saying like offending my husband in some way that I don't know about? and of course, how can i go about proving my point while not being proud or making him feel bad or anything. :-/


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Jewels6835 said:


> I agree 100%, which is why I tried explaining to him since I don't feel desired and happy in our marriage as it is, I am extremely offended to find out he's looking at it, or getting off without me


I don't know if this has been asked/answered, but when you do have sex, does he do all the work, or are you participative, engage in foreplay for him, etc.? If you do the latter, then there is a deeper problem. However, if he does all or most of the work all or most of the time, then perhaps porn and masturbating is just easier and more satisfying than putting the effort into meeting your needs as well.

My attitude in general is that porn and masturbation aren't a problem if both are getting their sexual needs met together most of the time. Sometimes they fill a gap when one partner isn't easily available for whatever reason, and sometimes it's just a different experience to supplement the joint experience. I could have sex with my wife three or four times a day, and still occasionally want to masturbate as well. I would never neglect her needs unless she was neglecting mine, though, unless there was another problem contributing to this.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I don't know if this has been asked/answered, but when you do have sex, does he do all the work, or are you participative, engage in foreplay for him, etc.? If you do the latter, then there is a deeper problem. However, if he does all or most of the work all or most of the time, then perhaps porn and masturbating is just easier and more satisfying than putting the effort into meeting your needs as well.
> 
> My attitude in general is that porn and masturbation aren't a problem if both are getting their sexual needs met together most of the time. Sometimes they fill a gap when one partner isn't easily available for whatever reason, and sometimes it's just a different experience to supplement the joint experience. I could have sex with my wife three or four times a day, and still occasionally want to masturbate as well. I would never neglect her needs unless she was neglecting mine, though, unless there was another problem contributing to this.



Well yes, I participate equally, if not more. He gets very impatient if it is taking too long, and he will say things like "im fine just hurry up and go" but that doesnt exactly make me go faster, that just puts pressure on me to finish sooner, plus makes me feel like $hit that he wants to hurry and get it over with. I do admit that since this has been going on almost our whole marriage, its made it harder for me to finish/it takes longer. but in those scenarios I never expect him to hold it for that long, nor do I even really expect him to help me finish afterwards. When he's done, he's done, there is no urge or excitement for him to come back to the bed after cleaning off and help me finish. He usually goes downstairs and uses the restroom and I finish myself. Only when I've made hints that I'm bugged and need to finish will he lay next to me and do something manually to help me finish, but it is so like lazy and half ass it is SO hard to finish. Like every second he is turning me off more because he is literally laying next to me half-assing everything. I don't want to sound like a ***** or offend anyone but he is just very lazy with all of it. initiating, pleasing me. I talked to him and he admits that what hes doing is selfish (I hope he truly feels that way), but he has yet to change or even try.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

this is why I really just feel like it's a matter of respect at this point, and like mutual love, appreciation. You know, the most basic things that are supposed to be the foundation of your marriage?! I have never once in 8 years denied him sex. EVER. Some people may say this is part of the problem, and maybe it is!

It is a vicious cycle. He is very well taken care of, and has made comments that he is lucky, or loves my 'oral skills', loves that i genuinely love to please him, and I really do! But it is sad to me that I have to push so hard, take what I can get, and even then my satisfaction is of no concern to him. He only recently was able to make me finish from hand stimulation, and its because I, very nicely, showed him what to do, was very encouraging and stroked his ego throughout the whole thing. but I was literally about to cry afterwards, because I was looking at him during and he just looked like it was a chore, he wasnt even turned on by touching and pleasing me. In fact, when I climaxed and it was amazing and I was sort of loud and, shaking, he kinda laughed and he's like "ok, calm down".. ?? I thought it would excite him that he gave me an amazing orgasm with only his hands for the first time in our relationship.. he was not amused, complained of the angle at one point and moved several times, and just made it clear he was not happy to be doing it. after i climaxed and he said ok calm down.. he laid on the bed next to me, completely limp. (we had not had sex yet, he had not come yet). I started kissing and caressing him and I said 'thank you' (which Ive never said after an orgasm but I thought it would be a nice ego boost). he said nothing in response and it took him a while to get things going, but once he did he seemed to have a good orgasm from all my manual stuff/oral.

this probably says more about him than any other of my posts...??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It really does sound like he's selfish, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and probably not into you now - if he ever really was.

The question is, can anything really change, and is he willing to DO something and not just say he will? If not, you know your options.


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

It is amazing how many ex-Mormons there are on this forum. I am Mormon but not practicing, so I will add my two cents from both a cultural prospective and from the prospective of a married man.

Morminism is very prescriptive, much in the way orthodox Judiasm or Islam are, which causes its members to look at many issues from a very black/white perspective. Such an approach causes people to stop thinking about things situationally as they pertain to the person's individual circumstances. It sounds like you have a pretty good sense about that dynamic of your upbringing and try to fight it. I commend you for that. The cultural proclivities of Mormonism can be hard to shake off.

As for porn and marriage, I think it depends on your marriage and how the two of you feel about it. Given what you have said about your husband and his diagnosis as bipolar, I would advise against it. Some drugs, activities, etc are situationally and circumstantially more or less harmful for different people. Cocaine and heroin ruin the lives of nearly everone who frequently use them. They are simply too chemically addictive. Alcohol is different in that affects all people differently; however, it has the capacity to ruin anyone's life depending on their level of consumption. From a neurological standpoint, porn is not too dissimilar to alcohol. 

Porn can be highly addictive to certain personality types, much like alcohol. Porn delivered in the form of highspeed images or videos thatcan be changed at the click of a mouse alters anyone's mind who consumes it. The degree to which highspeed porn alters one's mind depends on their predisposition for addiction and the level of highspeed porn consumption. Addiction, lust, and most other primal desires and feelings originate in the lymbic system of the brain, which is the "oldest" part of the brain from an evolutionary standpoint. Porn delivered via highspeed internet on an easily accessible media device like a phone or tablet increases the rate at which the lymbic system becomes dessensitized to erotic imagery. Given your husband's bipolar diagnosis, which elevates his risk for addiction, I would advise against it. As I said before, highspeed porn is like alcohol. It does not adversely affect many of the people who consume it, but it has the capacity to negatively affect the life of anyone who consumes it and has a predisposition for addiction to it. 

To provide a little personal background, I have an educational foundation in genetics and have worked with research scientists doing work on addiction. Personally, I come from a long line of people with addiction problems, so I have a keen interest in addiction from a scientific syandpoint. On a personal level, I have had issues with porn and related marital problems. My wife and I married young and had problems with sex for years. She was very sexually repressed, which nearly ended our marriage. After several years of rejection, I turned to porn for sexual release. I was never aware that there was an issue until I stopped consuming it. My wife is now in her mid thirties and has a relatively high sex drive. Because we were having sex more often, I watched porn less often. At one point I decided to give it up entirely, at which point I felt my sex drive diminish precipitously. It was ironic because I became the lower drive partner. After a long period of no porn use, my drive has come back, but it is not what it was. Time will tell if the changes to my brain are irreparable. I certainly hope not. So, to tie my thoughts together, I think frequent use of highspeed porn has the potential to adversely impact most people over time, particularly men. That said, tempered use is not an issue for a lot of people. If it makes your husband less interested or responsive to you, I think it is a problem. Anything that drives a wedge between a husband and wife needs to be examined at the very least to determine if it is worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colonelkfc (Jul 4, 2014)

Jewels6835 said:


> He usually goes downstairs and uses the restroom and I finish myself. Only when I've made hints that I'm bugged and need to finish will he lay next to me....


There is no defence for that. The guy needs a size 10 boot up his backside.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Jewels6835 said:


> Well yes, I participate equally, if not more. He gets very impatient if it is taking too long, and he will say things like "im fine just hurry up and go" but that doesnt exactly make me go faster, that just puts pressure on me to finish sooner, plus makes me feel like $hit that he wants to hurry and get it over with. I do admit that since this has been going on almost our whole marriage, its made it harder for me to finish/it takes longer. but in those scenarios I never expect him to hold it for that long, nor do I even really expect him to help me finish afterwards. When he's done, he's done, there is no urge or excitement for him to come back to the bed after cleaning off and help me finish. He usually goes downstairs and uses the restroom and I finish myself. Only when I've made hints that I'm bugged and need to finish will he lay next to me and do something manually to help me finish, but it is so like lazy and half ass it is SO hard to finish. Like every second he is turning me off more because he is literally laying next to me half-assing everything. I don't want to sound like a ***** or offend anyone but he is just very lazy with all of it. initiating, pleasing me. I talked to him and he admits that what hes doing is selfish (I hope he truly feels that way), but he has yet to change or even try.


Holy crap. THIS IS MY HUSBAND!!!

He has never verbally told me to hurry up though, thank goodness. He does try to finish me, even if he goes first, but like you said, it's always lazily.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Jewels6835
Sorry you are in a miserable situation. 

In my opinion porn, dirty books, masturbation, sex toys / vibrators are all forms of sex aids. Used with a partner they are fine. Used alone they are only OK if they are not used instead of having sex with a partner. 

So, if someone's partner is not available for sex, I have no problem with them using any sort of sex aid that they wish. I do think it is a big problem if someone turns their partner down for sex and then uses one of these to satisfy themselves.

I would have no problem if my partner used porn or toys when I was out of town. I would be unhappy if they turned me down for sex and then masturbated. (In my case I'm willing to do anything my partner wants in bed so it isn't that they couldn't get what they wanted from me).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jewel,
His behavior is not ok. Super selfish. 

And his comment about you being controlling is pure manipulation. You aren't saying he can't watch. Your asking him not to squander his limited sexual energy with porn. 

This next bit is kind of sensitive, so recognize that I'm trying to be diplomatic. 

Some men are more impacted by their wives weight than others. If you can get close to your pre baby weight that might help. And it might not. It varies by guy. 

Either way, exercising and being fit will make you feel better and more confident. That itself is sexy. 





Jewels6835 said:


> Thank for your comment, good to hear my feelings are valid. But see that's the problem is he is telling me he has done this at times where he literally just wanted To, and I quote, "cum and get it over with. It's a quickie you don't get when you're with another person, how do you not understand that? It had nothing to do with the porn"
> 
> I am confused myself. He first said " sometimes doing that is easier and quicker than trying to satisfy both of us… It's one of those things like I really don't want to go through The motions, I just want to cum. There's no way to say that and not sound like a **** but that is the truth." So I guess it doesn't matter to him that I would watch it with him if he asked. This was literally just about 'getting off', but my question is why couldn't he have come to me when I'm always available? and also if the kids or time were an issue I would've been fine helping him hurry and finish by, uh.. Giving him oral so he can finish but not myself, I've done it before. Makes me happy to know I can satisfy him. When I mentioned this he said he thought with my high sex drive it would be a tease..
> 
> ...


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Is porn cheating? Nope, not to me.

Is messing with a live cam girl cheating? Yes, it is to me.

If my wife asked me not to watch porn and she felt like it was cheating, I would try to make her happy and stay away from it. Thankfully my wife doesn't feel that way. We've watched porn together and sometimes she will look at naughty pictures of women on her own. She is very bisexual so maybe she just thinks different.

I think it's a insecurity thing. Those porn stars won't replace you.

However, if I caught my wife looking at BBC I bet I'd change my tune. Maybe have him come home to you watching BBC porn and let him know if that doesn't bother him, what he does doesn't bother you. He will probably change his tune, because we are also just as insecure. Well, hopefully he changes his mind.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

My take on this is probably not going to help you much on this issue. I look at porn almost daily, from what I read here at tam I'm in the extreme minority because I dont masterbate to it. I do collect lots of movies and stuff, but my sexual energy is reserved for the wife. A few years back when I was going to therapy, my therapist told me that I have an addiction to pornography and sex. He said he had a group of ten guys coming in a couple of times a week that would rather jerk off at the computer than go in the next room and have sex with their wives. I found this very hard to believe. I mean wanking it to porn and an acutal woman? there is no comparison, so I really dont get it. I think its very disrespectful the way he is doing you. Selfish, lousy in bed, ect. I think your feelings of being hurt and shortchanged are very valid and I dont understand this at all.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Jewels, from what you have said you have a child of a husband who has a lot of growing up to do in understanding marriage, women (you) and intimacy (way more than sex). You can't assume he knows what is right when he has know idea.

And, let me correct a perspective you mentioned - it can get A WHOLE LOT BETTER as you get older. Thinking sex is best in your 20's is a joke and myself (and others) are proof of that.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Jewels6835 said:


> a year?! With you being the HD spouse, I am assuming you have taken matters into your own hands then? (which is fine when you are not getting what you deserve!) I couldn't handle that, I think we would be divorced way before a year.. My husband is not affectionate really in other ways either, so sex IS my affection from him and my bonding time and I think thats why I want it so much. We have sex 1-2 times a week. MAYBE 3 if I'm lucky that week, but we are 25 and 31! It's only going to go downhill as we age, LOL, why can't we have as much sex and enjoy it while we can? I'd like to have sex minimum 3 times a week, and also have it be quality sex at least twice a week. (he can be a little stingy when it comes to how long its taking... could you've guessed that?)


Yup a year! A long year it has been too... my h isnt affectionate at all either.. So im moving out in like 9 days.. im done.. we have other issues as well


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

If you're willing to leave this man, you have a world of possibilities. You're so young and you seem to be communicative and willing to take steps try to work through the issues you have from your life experiences. You'd probably be a great catch for a tonne of guys.

If you're committed to staying with this man (who seemingly doesn't deserve you), and if he is only willing/able to change so much, then you'll have to take positive steps to improve things as much as you can yourself.

I'd consider watching porn together with your husband during sex - say, on a laptop computer. I'd also get a very powerful electric vibrator such as a magic wand that you can use while your husband is inside you doing this thing. With those two things you might be able to satisfy yourself several times before your husband is done.

This could be a win-win.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

First of all, thank you every one of you for your comments and support, I really appreciate it. It is so helpful to get different approaches to this and see it from a man's perspective. 
I honestly don't know where to go from here. Knowing his personality and all I think he is just going to do what he has always done in arguments: put the blame on someone/something else, and/or get very angry and eventually storm out. He has horrible communication skills, anger management issues. No, he is not physically abusive and never has been FYI.
I KNOW that marriage is a two way street, and I also know you guys are only getting my perspective right now. But he wouldn't be able to lie or dispute anything I've said on here so far. 
Last year after a bad argument, I joined mdjunction, a forum to chat about medical problems and get support. I of course joined under the forum about my spouse being bipolar. I learned a lot, received much support but several people pointed out to me that his behavior didn't seem like it was all from the bipolar. Several women spoke of their bipolar husband and said things like "my husband doesn't have anger issues" or "my husband would never say/do that to me" One woman, a forum leader recommended I join her page, on emotional abuse. At first I thought she was sort of going overboard, but the more I read, the more I saw i could relate to these women more than the bipolar forum! Her particular group even used the book, "why does he do that?" As their "bible" and I downloaded it and read it. It summed up my h in many ways (but not every way) so when I tried to talk to him about it and brought up all the ways he'd hurt me emotionally past and present he said he was "so in shock, that's a really strong label.. I don't think I can be with someone who thinks that of me".
This was all about a year ago... I really can't decipher whether we "overcome" these lows in our marriage b/c he was in a bad place with the bipolar, or whether I am just sort of used to it/have the abused mentality, or both. Because I do try to "make peace" faster than he does after a fight, even if it wasn't my fault sometimes. To those wondering, yes we have tried counseling in the past, not recently though. (Last session/therapist was over 3 years ago-he's seen ones for his bipolar since though of course). 
I can almost guarantee if I were to bring it all out on the table, giving him an "ultimatum" like counseling or it's over, he would flip out and tell me I'm "not really unhappy, this is just about the sex thing, see you're so wrapped up in sex all the time! Sex doesn't define a marriage you know!"... I can already hear it...
We have two small kids and divorce wasn't supposed to be an option so yes that scares me, but I think I'm more scared of him acting different to keep me in the picture, doing counseling grudgingly and just doing the bare minimum like he's been doing for so long, but managing to string me along (hey it's worked for him for 8 yrs), meanwhile driving us further apart and him probably having affairs or something. 
I'm really at a loss with what to do from here. I feel as though I need a break from him but I don't have family here and there's no way to send me or him anywhere without his family knowing which would not be good. They would be less supportive of a divorce than my family would be I think.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Lordhavok said:


> My take on this is probably not going to help you much on this issue. I look at porn almost daily, from what I read here at tam I'm in the extreme minority because I dont masterbate to it. I do collect lots of movies and stuff, but my sexual energy is reserved for the wife. A few years back when I was going to therapy, my therapist told me that I have an addiction to pornography and sex. He said he had a group of ten guys coming in a couple of times a week that would rather jerk off at the computer than go in the next room and have sex with their wives. I found this very hard to believe. I mean wanking it to porn and an acutal woman? there is no comparison, so I really dont get it. I think its very disrespectful the way he is doing you. Selfish, lousy in bed, ect. I think your feelings of being hurt and shortchanged are very valid and I dont understand this at all.


Does your wife know you watch so much of it and how does she feel about it? No judgement I'm just wondering. A large Part of me thinks I wouldn't mind if he was reserving the sex and orgasm for me, the other, insecure, territorial part of me says it's wrong regardless. 
I don't understand why any man would prefer the computer to his wife either. I understand if there was no physical attraction I guess but still.. Maybe those guys should be single..


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Rugby said:


> That said, tempered use is not an issue for a lot of people. If it makes your husband less interested or responsive to you, I think it is a problem. Anything that drives a wedge between a husband and wife needs to be examined at the very least to determine if it is worth it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Wow, truly a very helpful post, and you hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you! I've explained why I believe porn CAN BE harmful in some marriages. He insists it's not about the other women, I insist it doesn't matter, yada yada yada..


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Jewel,
> His behavior is not ok. Super selfish.
> 
> And his comment about you being controlling is pure manipulation. You aren't saying he can't watch. Your asking him not to squander his limited sexual energy with porn.
> ...


Thank you, yes! If he had a higher drive than me and i couldn't keep up with him I would never ever tell him he couldn't watch porn and masturbate! (Technically I don't tell him he Cant right now either but anyways!) yes he is already LD than me, so I don't see how every single time he's up for sex, I know I would be too, yet he's off alone. 
I am at my pre baby weight... Today's weigh in actually out me there exactly :smthumbup:
I had 15-20 lbs to lose, I've lost 15 but I'm going to lose a few more and keep toning and all. I really don't mean this in an arrogant way, but if his drive is low due to my physical appearance.. Then we have bigger issues at hand. I can definitely understand if it's more of other things though, like he needs to be shown love a certain way and I'm not good at that. I'm praying physical issues is out of the question, but it's hard telling your wife that when you've told her before you had to look at porn tomget aroused before coming to f#%^ her. :scratchhead:


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

mpgunner said:


> Jewels, from what you have said you have a child of a husband who has a lot of growing up to do in understanding marriage, women (you) and intimacy (way more than sex). You can't assume he knows what is right when he has know idea.
> 
> And, let me correct a perspective you mentioned - it can get A WHOLE LOT BETTER as you get older. Thinking sex is best in your 20's is a joke and myself (and others) are proof of that.


You know, your comment gives me hope that we maybe can turn things around and have a lasting, awesome marriage. I sure hope it's the case. And I'm glad you wrote it because you're right- I need to give him a chance to learn these things since he was never taught them. I owe that to myself and my kids as well as him. 

:iagree: That is another thing that book spoke of, was a sign of abusive men is his behavior is very childish; which it is, seriously the majority Of the time. Unfortunately I never noticed that when we were starting out, partially because of the love blinders, partially because I was still a kid myself ( yet still mature enough to be dating someone 6 yrs older!)


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jewel,
Your slate is clean. Go find a mirror, look at yourself and take a bow. 

I'm not joking. You're a good wife. You need to accept that. 

IF there were behavioral issues (on your side of the fence) that were adversely impacting his desire, it is HIS responsibility to tell you so. 

For example, if a wife is routinely critiquing her husbands career / income, that could impact his desire. 

Or if she is hyper critical of his performance in bed. 

That said: It's obvious to me that you aren't doing those things, because if you were he would have said so, and you would have eased up. 

This is about him. And I'll tell you right now, as a 51 year old man whose taken good care of his wife, I'd like to smack his head so hard that his ears would ring. This porn addiction - as a replacement for real sex - will end in tears. 

Have you asked him to go to marriage counseling (MC)? If not, you ought to. 

Do not have anymore kids with this fellow until you sort out his porn addiction. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation, you deserve better. 





Jewels6835 said:


> Thank you, yes! If he had a higher drive than me and i couldn't keep up with him I would never ever tell him he couldn't watch porn and masturbate! (Technically I don't tell him he Cant right now either but anyways!) yes he is already LD than me, so I don't see how every single time he's up for sex, I know I would be too, yet he's off alone.
> I am at my pre baby weight... Today's weigh in actually out me there exactly :smthumbup:
> I had 15-20 lbs to lose, I've lost 15 but I'm going to lose a few more and keep toning and all. I really don't mean this in an arrogant way, but if his drive is low due to my physical appearance.. Then we have bigger issues at hand. I can definitely understand if it's more of other things though, like he needs to be shown love a certain way and I'm not good at that. I'm praying physical issues is out of the question, but it's hard telling your wife that when you've told her before you had to look at porn tomget aroused before coming to f#%^ her. :scratchhead:


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

After reading more of your descriptions I'll say again - porn is A problem but porn is not THE problem. 

You married a man who isn't all that interested in your sexual fulfillment. There may be no malice at all, he might be completely unaware of the whole deal. But he really doesn't care that much, not a priority. He could probably have happy sex for the rest of his life and not be moved by if you are happy with it or not. It might not even occur to him to consider if you are happy with it. 

Over the past year I've made a sustained effort to make DH care about me in this way but let me tell you. Constant reminding him is the closest I can get to him to wanting to care. And it's not caring and frankly I'm tired of having to remind. It means little to me if I have to ask for it. 

I have yet to see contrary results from anyone else - on this board anyway. Sorry to be the glass half empty.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jewels6835 said:


> Hi there, new to the site. I will try to keep this as brief as possible but it's a sticky situation..
> I'm 25, been married going on 6 yrs, we dated for two yrs before marriage. We had a shotgun wedding.. But always knew we wanted to get married.
> Another detail I should share is my husband was diagnosed with bipolar about 1.5 yrs ago. This was a relief to me because it explained a lot about him, but at the same Time I feel he uses it as aN excuse for his behavior or mistakes sometimes..
> 
> ...


Not all men look a porn but I would venture to say that most do. That being said they fact that he is either addicted to porn or substituting sex with his wife for porn Is the core issue. It sounds like he has a problem and you are bearing the brunt of it. If he is willing to get some professional help you could try that but I'm guessing that this won't get better without it. Are you willing to lay down an ultimatum and leave if he doesn't get help?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's true that getting off to porn takes less effort than having sex with a partner. Kind of like grabbing fast food rather than preparing a nice meal. 

I was wondering if there was a way to merge his desire for "lazy" sex with your need for togetherness. Perhaps when he just wants to "get off" with minimal effort the two of you could masturbate together using each other as your visual stimulation.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Jewels6835 said:


> Does your wife know you watch so much of it and how does she feel about it? No judgement I'm just wondering. A large Part of me thinks I wouldn't mind if he was reserving the sex and orgasm for me, the other, insecure, territorial part of me says it's wrong regardless.
> I don't understand why any man would prefer the computer to his wife either. I understand if there was no physical attraction I guess but still.. Maybe those guys should be single..


No, she does not know the extent of it. She knows, but dont like to have it confirmed. So I dont have any of that junk on the computer at home and I dont keep files on my phone anymore. She's picked out a few dvds and stuff, but we never watch them. Like I said earlier, cant go by what I do because I guess I'm just weird or something. I dont wank off to it, I mostly use my work computer for it. And to be honest about it, I look at so much sometimes it dont really arouse me anymore. Maybe its some weird ocd condition or something, its more about the collecting or hoarding of movies and such. I have so much that I dont even know what I have, lots of duplicate copies, ect. But I dont like for her to see it or come across it. You say that you would be ok with it if he saved his energy for you. I dont think you would really. Lots of women are against porn and feel like they have to compete with it. People have body image stuff going on and such, and thats understandable. I dont consider viewing porn as cheating. But I do think its a huge problem for someone to get their rocks off at the computer instead of with their spouse. Especially when said spouse is unfullfilled and ready and willing for it. I would however draw the line at someone using cam sites for wank time. I mean its a person on the other end of the web cam and your interacting with said person, that I would consider cheating. You seem like a great wife thats in a tough spot with a very selfish and self centered hubby. Sorry about that. Stick around here, there are lots of good people here that can offer great advice.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Jewels6835
That is so sad. Most people really enjoy pleasing their partners - it isn't a chore, its the most fun part of sex. After all, if all someone wants is an orgasm for themselves, why bother with a partner at all? 



Jewels6835 said:


> this is why I really just feel like it's a matter of respect at this point, and like mutual love, appreciation. You know, the most basic things that are supposed to be the foundation of your marriage?! I have never once in 8 years denied him sex. EVER. Some people may say this is part of the problem, and maybe it is!
> 
> It is a vicious cycle. He is very well taken care of, and has made comments that he is lucky, or loves my 'oral skills', loves that i genuinely love to please him, and I really do! But it is sad to me that I have to push so hard, take what I can get, and even then my satisfaction is of no concern to him. He only recently was able to make me finish from hand stimulation, and its because I, very nicely, showed him what to do, was very encouraging and stroked his ego throughout the whole thing. but I was literally about to cry afterwards, because I was looking at him during and he just looked like it was a chore, he wasnt even turned on by touching and pleasing me. In fact, when I climaxed and it was amazing and I was sort of loud and, shaking, he kinda laughed and he's like "ok, calm down".. ?? I thought it would excite him that he gave me an amazing orgasm with only his hands for the first time in our relationship.. he was not amused, complained of the angle at one point and moved several times, and just made it clear he was not happy to be doing it. after i climaxed and he said ok calm down.. he laid on the bed next to me, completely limp. (we had not had sex yet, he had not come yet). I started kissing and caressing him and I said 'thank you' (which Ive never said after an orgasm but I thought it would be a nice ego boost). he said nothing in response and it took him a while to get things going, but once he did he seemed to have a good orgasm from all my manual stuff/oral.
> 
> this probably says more about him than any other of my posts...??


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not all men look a porn but I would venture to say that most do. That being said they fact that he is either addicted to porn or substituting sex with his wife for porn Is the core issue. It sounds like he has a problem and you are bearing the brunt of it. If he is willing to get some professional help you could try that but I'm guessing that this won't get better without it. Are you willing to lay down an ultimatum and leave if he doesn't get help?


I agree, I should have wrote MOST men, not all, because with my ex mormon background, I knew a good deal of religious men who truly didn't look at it. (of course maybe saw it once or twice but felt so guilt-ridden about it and didnt continue it).. When I have told my husband that not all men look at porn, especially on a regular basis, he says thats absolutely not true, that every single man in the world looks at it, and if a man says he doesnt he is lying. he's also said that men who'd respect their wive's wishes and refrain from porn are "whipped" or "pu$$ies". the 3rd counselor we saw was a married Christian man, who was really fun and outgoing. My husband made it a point after we left every session (and still to this day if I bring up the counselor) he will make fun of him and how 'whipped' he was.
Yes. I know he is a handful to deal with and half the stuff that leaves his mouth sounds insane.
Honestly I am still brewing whether I could leave and put my life back together if I did leave. We moved out of state, across the country actually, away from my entire family almost 4 years ago, and I have nobody in state to go to. I know my h wouldnt want me to move back to my hometown because it would mean 4 hr flights to see the kids. we only have his family here, we are a blended family, and i dont think they would really tolerate us living separately/splitting kiddo time very well. Their religious and cultural background would not be at all helpful.
very tricky...


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

Lordhavok said:


> No, she does not know the extent of it. She knows, but dont like to have it confirmed. So I dont have any of that junk on the computer at home and I dont keep files on my phone anymore. She's picked out a few dvds and stuff, but we never watch them. Like I said earlier, cant go by what I do because I guess I'm just weird or something. I dont wank off to it, I mostly use my work computer for it. And to be honest about it, I look at so much sometimes it dont really arouse me anymore. Maybe its some weird ocd condition or something, its more about the collecting or hoarding of movies and such. I have so much that I dont even know what I have, lots of duplicate copies, ect. But I dont like for her to see it or come across it. You say that you would be ok with it if he saved his energy for you. I dont think you would really. Lots of women are against porn and feel like they have to compete with it. People have body image stuff going on and such, and thats understandable. I dont consider viewing porn as cheating. But I do think its a huge problem for someone to get their rocks off at the computer instead of with their spouse. Especially when said spouse is unfullfilled and ready and willing for it. I would however draw the line at someone using cam sites for wank time. I mean its a person on the other end of the web cam and your interacting with said person, that I would consider cheating. You seem like a great wife thats in a tough spot with a very selfish and self centered hubby. Sorry about that. Stick around here, there are lots of good people here that can offer great advice.


that is another thing i found out about 6 months ago, that he was using chatroulette while I was out of state and lied about that. that is a webcam type deal so yes this is why I get angry because this is just the stuff I have CAUGHT him with. I have no idea what he has done/is doing. and to make things worse I have been back to my hometown like 8 times since moving away, and every time I stay with the kids for anywhere from 2-6 weeks. (this wont be happening anymore though since my oldest is starting kindergarten soon). anyways we would like 'sext' and what not, and I assumed hed watch it since there is a time difference, he's home alone, etc. but I never thought he would do something as 'bold' as chatroulette. he had to explain to me what it was too, that was a fun thing to hear from him.


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## Jewels6835 (Jul 19, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon Jewels6835
> That is so sad. Most people really enjoy pleasing their partners - it isn't a chore, its the most fun part of sex. After all, if all someone wants is an orgasm for themselves, why bother with a partner at all?


Couldnt agree more. I've always loved pleasing him. I think both parties deserve that and thats part of the chemical/physical attraction, and its a problem if its not there. After the other night my sex drive for him has basically gone "poof!"... from huge to nothing, because I could not believe how he reacted to my orgasm. your point is so valid- I am ready to tell him that next time he implies at anything. why bother with me? 
I'm glad so many men are posting and seem to see my side of it. I don't feel so crazy now.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Jeweles6835
You are not crazy. Even most media shows men valuing pleasing their partners. James Bond, is always presented as a fantastic lover to his innumerable partners. Richard Sharpe (who's name I stole for this) it is strongly hinted is wonderful in bed. Even porn generally shows men giving women orgasms (however un-realistically) Most men want to be thought of as great lovers - as a macho pride thing if nothing else. :scratchhead:

Maybe it happens more than I thought, but I'm surprised a significant number of men don't *want* to be good lovers, even if they happen to be terrible in reality. Lets face, it, what is more ego-boosting than leaving your lover as a semi-conscious quivering lump of jello when you are done with them






Jewels6835 said:


> Couldnt agree more. I've always loved pleasing him. I think both parties deserve that and thats part of the chemical/physical attraction, and its a problem if its not there. After the other night my sex drive for him has basically gone "poof!"... from huge to nothing, because I could not believe how he reacted to my orgasm. your point is so valid- I am ready to tell him that next time he implies at anything. why bother with me?
> I'm glad so many men are posting and seem to see my side of it. I don't feel so crazy now.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Jewels6835 said:


> this is why I really just feel like it's a matter of respect at this point, and like mutual love, appreciation. You know, the most basic things that are supposed to be the foundation of your marriage?! I have never once in 8 years denied him sex. EVER. Some people may say this is part of the problem, and maybe it is!
> 
> It is a vicious cycle. He is very well taken care of, and has made comments that he is lucky, or loves my 'oral skills', loves that i genuinely love to please him, and I really do! But it is sad to me that I have to push so hard, take what I can get, and even then my satisfaction is of no concern to him. He only recently was able to make me finish from hand stimulation, and its because I, very nicely, showed him what to do, was very encouraging and stroked his ego throughout the whole thing. but I was literally about to cry afterwards, because I was looking at him during and he just looked like it was a chore, he wasnt even turned on by touching and pleasing me. In fact, when I climaxed and it was amazing and I was sort of loud and, shaking, he kinda laughed and he's like "ok, calm down".. ?? I thought it would excite him that he gave me an amazing orgasm with only his hands for the first time in our relationship.. he was not amused, complained of the angle at one point and moved several times, and just made it clear he was not happy to be doing it. after i climaxed and he said ok calm down.. he laid on the bed next to me, completely limp. (we had not had sex yet, he had not come yet). I started kissing and caressing him and I said 'thank you' (which Ive never said after an orgasm but I thought it would be a nice ego boost). he said nothing in response and it took him a while to get things going, but once he did he seemed to have a good orgasm from all my manual stuff/oral.
> 
> this probably says more about him than any other of my posts...??


No, your not crazy. Something is wrong with him in my opinion. I (and probably other guys) would have been absolutely delighted with your orgasm. It would have been "wow, I helped her get that much pleasure! I am so crazy about her right now I want to just burst." And .. can I do that again and again?

Your H reaction is not only lazy, but shows absolutely no understanding of women enjoying sex too. That is, it sounds like H does not care if you enjoy sex or not. So, since he is LD he just gets his needs met without concerning himself about your needs. Like you don't matter. Selfish.

His use of porn also does the same. He gets his needs met, and does not bother with yours. It is like he does not have the fact that you have needs on his radar at all.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I don't know how to fix it either.


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