# Should I keep initiating even if he repeatedly turns me down.



## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

SO never wants to have sex during the week, only weekend mornings.  And then it's usually just manual, as he seems to prefer jacking himself off. It's been 4 weeks since we had PIV and he actually got off that way.

Should I keep trying to initiate during the week, even though I will get turned down, or should I just stop? He's ok with me giving him a hj or bj during the week, but he won't return the favor, cause he's tired. He's really just lazy. And in 2 years, he's given me oral exactly three times. I think I should stop giving him bj's. 

God my sex life sucks!


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Testosterone


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't keep initiating.

Stop initiating.

But importantly ... have a plan associated with no longer initiating.

Same thing I tell the guys.

The difference with the women, is that I usually encourage be a bit 'edgier' than I would recommend for a man.

Don't be mean. Don't be obtuse. Don't be passive aggressive. Be you, even more you. Be upbeat. Have stuff to do.

Get in bed with a smile and a kiss goodnight if that's your thing. And then ... go to sleep.

If he initiates on a weekend morning be less in the mood than he is. Suggest that he works to get your engine revving.

If he pouts like a little kid, then tussle his hair and tell him to have fun on his own. Go take a shower, go make coffee, get up and go out for a walk.

He'll notice. Trust me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Definitely stop the BJs

If he ain't giving, he ain't getting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I go through the same thing with mine. It's been a month since the last time we were together. He's always "too tired" 

UGH!

I initiate and I get rejected. I used the above mentioned advice for myself too. I'm fine during the day because I keep myself busy but going to bed together at night is SOOOO HARD!!!!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Then go find someone straight to have sex with. Yoiu may like it better than a man jacking off next to his beard.

Good luck.

PS: In case you didn't get it, he's gay.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

work can strain us. tell him you need his ernergy,thoughts,and stamina. rub his sore muscles & pull him into your world.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Don't keep initiating.
> 
> Stop initiating.
> 
> ...


The plan is to pretend (and it will be pretend) that I don't care about sex anymore?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

olwhatsisname said:


> work can strain us. tell him you need his ernergy,thoughts,and stamina. rub his sore muscles & pull him into your world.


I've told him I need him, massaged him, blown him, bought sex toys to use together, etc all to no avail. He gently discourages me by saying he's tired, he's got things on his mind, blah blah blah. Pull him into my world sounds lovely, but I sure as hell don't know how.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just curious here, if he's selfish, lazy, and disinterested about sex, does he go out of his way to attend to your other needs?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Yes he does attend to my other needs. He wants to spend every non-working moment with me. If we aren't working, we are together (and this is by his choice, I'm fine being alone a lot). He does the majority of the household chores (we have a cleaning lady once a week, so it's not that much), except for cooking. He's plugged into our relationship except for the sex part. 

I'm no different physically now than I was when we began dating, except I did stop smoking (yea me). He does not smoke.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> The plan is to pretend (and it will be pretend) that I don't care about sex anymore?


I saw in a post just above that you mentioned that your husband places a high value on spending time with you.

Yeah ...

Start being busy or making plans that don't include him.

I don't say this with any acrimony, but I'll throw it out there based on the response to some of my feedback from others.

If you see this as game playing, and you are a person that doesn't want to play games, I can't help you.

It's about boundaries, and personal needs. Yours aren't being met, and the methods of communication you have tried to convey that, haven't worked.

So, you need a new method. No you don't need to pretend that sex isn't important. In fact you can continue to state that it is. But ... if his response continues to be no response, then you simply cannot continue to devalue what is important to you, by continuing to do what is important to him.

You can refer to it as turning down the thermostat on the relationship, doing a 180, taking care of yourself, or destabilizing the relationship.

In sum, stop doing what you have been doing that doesn't work. Start doing things that make clear you are an individual and can conduct your life as such separately and distinctly from his.

It isn't about score-keeping or punishment. It is about subtly making it clear that if he wants to have his needs prioritized by you, then he must reciprocate and willfully meet yours.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Thanks Deejo, really appreciate your detailed response. 

I actually have started dialing back the past 3 days. He's already noticing that I'm not quite as affectionate as has been the norm, a quick hug and brief kiss when I get home vs the long, cuddly, how was your day type hug and kiss. 

I worked 45 mins later and stopped at the bank after work, which I normally would have done at lunch, and got home an hour later than usual.

I cleaned out the linen closet during the Monday evening instead of hanging out with him in the den, then I cleaned out the medicine cabinet. He kept coming to me, asking what was I doing, even though it was obvious what I was doing. (This time next week my house is going to be spotless!)

He asked me last night twice, are you ok? To which I replied happily, "I sure am!" and went right back to doing what I was doing (which didn't involved him). 

Yes it does in a way feel like game playing and slightly uncomfortable. But hell I was uncomfortable and sad and pissed off before and nothing was changing.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Deejo said:


> You can refer to it as *turning down the thermostat* on the relationship,* doing a 180*, taking care of yourself, or destabilizing the relationship.










*Thread >>*


Here is a thread I found on google with the 180 list spelled out (keep in mind some of this is referring to infidelity ), >>



> Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums
> 
> 180
> 
> ...


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> Thanks Deejo, really appreciate your detailed response.
> 
> I actually have started dialing back the past 3 days. He's already noticing that I'm not quite as affectionate as has been the norm, a quick hug and brief kiss when I get home vs the long, cuddly, how was your day type hug and kiss.
> 
> ...


Sounds like on a good track right there!

You can still try to initiate (when you feel like it). It is what you are looking for anyway. Just try not to be "needy" about it, and if it doesn't go your way, go back to what you were doing.


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