# 258 Texts in Five Day



## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

I just found out my husband has been texting another woman pretty much all night for the past few nights and the topic has been about her being sexy, certain "nether regions" she shaves, what she doesn't do as far as sex stuff. 

This is a woman we had both known in the past, she borrowed money and never repaid it and we never heard from her again until he ran into her recently and I guess it's been "game on" from that point.

We've been married five years and have been together 15, we have four children between the two of us, all of age, so at least they aren't here right now although one is coming home tomorrow. It seemed as if we had been getting along fine, sharing fun time together - good sex, etc...., while we have had our share of problems, we have been close and loving lately which is part of the reason why this TOTALLY blows my mind. 

He agrees it was "inappropriate" but doesn't seem to realize how deeply it has effected me. I can't stop crying, I feel humiliated, ashamed, betrayed, abandoned, etc... because to me - I had no husband for the past five days because MY husband would not act like that with another women. 

My first instinct was to confront him, which I did and of course he pointed out all the bad things he could think of about me. I may not be perfect but I know I'm honest and extremely loyal to him AND I don't think that was the place for him to try to turn the tables.

Sorry, I am rambling. He did agree to not contact her anymore, said he "will" apologize and will recommit himself to our marriage, but now I wonder if he was saying that just so I would go away and leave him alone. I'm so confused, sad. 

Do any of you have any help, suggestions or anything else at all that might help me make any sense of this? At this point, I can't even function.

Thanks,
B


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here. But there are lots of people here who have been through this and want to help.

Firstly, you need to know what really happened, but right now it sounds like your husband resents you for finding his dirty little secret. That indicates that he has no intention of stopping.

Do you know if they had a physical affair, rather than the emotional one he has reluctantly admitted to?


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Hi Chris,

Thank you for responding. I don't believe they had a physical affair as he has been with me or his sons pretty closely the past few days and there is no way he would've had time. I do wonder how long it would've been if I hadn't of checked. Something just felt really "off" these past couple of days even though we've been getting along - before then, it was really going great though which really a mindf*^& for me that he would want to risk it....


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I think in cases where the betrayal was purely via electronic medium it is easier for the WS to compartmentalize it as not 'really' cheating. As the BS we full pain of betrayal, but the WS doesn't want to acknowledge that as it moves what they've come to think of as a little 'harmless fun' into something horrible they have done. It takes a 2x4 over the head to get them to realize they have done something truly awful. 

Don't let him off the hook on that. 

Also he needs to go full transparency with you ASAP. Check his texts, he can't delete anything. He must give you any and all passwords to all of his accounts and electronic devices.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

First, when you confronted him and he brought up things about you, that sounds to me like him just trying to deflect the true issue - his texting - by bringing up these other things. The old "the best defense is a good offense." If he tries that again i suggest you suggest those are things for discussion another time and you and he should focus on the issue at hand. In short, your husband doesn't seem to want to face up to his own actions.
Second, in addition to what others have said, perhaps the two of you need to discuss what is the root cause of your husband feeling the need to text with another woman about such sexual things.
Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him you want him to write a No Contact letter to her that YOU will approve and send to her. This serves two purposes: it gets her the hell out of your lives, and it allows HIM to feel a little of the shame that YOU have been experiencing so, hopefully, he will think twice before doing it again.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This easily could have led to sex so his actions were essentially no different. His thinking is that since they didn't consummate their relationship is inconsequential. It _was_ sex as that was what he wanted and where he was headed. You just happened to catch in in time.

In other words, this is no different than had he gone through with it and needs to be treated fully as such. 

I suggest asking him to leave for 60 days while you consider what you want to do about it. Also, I recommend some counseling to make him understand just exactly what he has done and to reset the marriage.

This is his problem. He has to deal with it and try and repair the marriage and regain your trust and faith- which may never happen.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Thanks all. I know it's his problem, but it sure feels like mine. I agree with keeping things on topic, that is a problem for both of us that we have worked on. Our counselor - A True Angel recently passed away. What I wouldn't give to talk with her from beyond the grave.

Right now, I cycle between feeling totally numb and unable to stop crying. My son will be here tomorrow - which I normally cherish - it leaves me feeling concerned because I don't want him to pick up on how destroyed I feel right now.

Dr. Phil said, "If it's something you wouldn't do in front of your spouse - then it's cheating" and I agree with that. The physical proximity wasn't there - YET - but I do know plans were being made for her to be able to "cry on his shoulder" about some problem she has...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have him write the letter. And demand his passwords.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Thank you Turnera. I'm not sure what the letter should say beyond - don't contact me ever again in any way, shape or form? I all ready all his passwords


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It's up to you what the letter says. There are examples around and about - I think the moderators frown on links to other sites being posted (amongst other things :/) so Google for "no contact letter example" for some good ones.

It has to come from you and him, though, if he does it just to keep you quiet then it might be worse than none at all. After all, he could just text first and say "you are getting a letter/text. Ignore it, it's from my harridan of a wife" etc. (I don't mean that, I'm just giving an example of what he might say).

Before anything else, you need to make sure he is remorseful and that you 100% know nothing more could have gone on. It sounds like an awful lot of contact to just come out of the blue...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wh*re, what we did was wrong and I am asking you to leave me alone and never contact me again. I love my wife and I need to make amends to her for what I've done. If you contact us again, we will block your number.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

turnera said:


> Wh*re, what we did was wrong and I am asking you to leave me alone and never contact me again. I love my wife and I need to make amends to her for what I've done. If you contact us again, we will block your number.


How about get a totally new number. That way if she contacts, you know how she got it.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

So, he sent the "No Contact" and blocked her number - before it was blocked (We had to download a special app). 

So - now what? This is seriously soul crushing stuff. I want to feel assured of his love and be held and comforted, and I want to kill him all at the same time (Not seriously murder him, just the best figure of speech I can come up with)


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## tiamaria02 (Jun 18, 2013)

I don't mean to be rude but you definitely need to seek some professional help quickly. Something is going on with him and your relationship to have him act out this way. (This is not your fault but a problem he is facing.) I think finding another professional to guide you will help out greatly. It's great that he did the NC and blocked the number, it shows that he wants your relationship to work but this needs to be nipped in the butt fast.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now what, you need to get him to a GOOD, really good, MC asap. This needs to be discussed ad nauseum in front of a professional. There are most likely a LOT of reasons he went that way and - note that I am NOT blaming the marriage for him cheating, so spare me the vitriole - he, like you, most likely has a LOT of stuff about you and the marriage he will want to air out in front of MC. So will you. 

This is a good wakeup call. Use it. Find out how to strengthen the marriage and DO it. We can help with a lot of things in that area, but I urge you, while he's remorseful (it won't last long), get him to the MC.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I do believe that he is in the "oops I got caught" stage. Once he stops blaming you for anything related to why he did this with this woman then that is when you have a real break through. As long as he is blaming you for any of this I suspect his behavior will not change and he will use it to justify future activities. He needs to own this 100%. The other issues in the marriage are in my mind, other issues.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Thank you tiamaria02, I don't think you were being rude. I am looking around, the last counselor we worked with was a miracle worker, but recently passed away  Finding someone to replace her might take another miracle.


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## tiamaria02 (Jun 18, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss, that's tough losing someone who helped you and you trusted. I can only wish you the best. 

I stumbled across this forum on a google search and couldn't help but register. I must of been blind because I had no idea there are so many cheating pos out there. I sincerely hope it all works out for you and the issue doesn't escalate. It seems to have been caught in time. Maybe in his own twisted way, he wanted to be caught?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Beneficient said:


> Thank you tiamaria02, I don't think you were being rude. I am looking around, the last counselor we worked with was a miracle worker, but recently passed away  Finding someone to replace her might take another miracle.


I had a counselor in 2010 that was great and he is gone. I feel your pain.


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

Have been on the other end of an EA, I definitely feel terrible for you. Unlike your husband though, I owed up to my mistakes and he needs to as well. Deflecting his actions onto you is just a way of him trying to justify his behavior which isn't okay. He needs to be apologizing, not justifying. If he keeps up an attitude like this, he's clearly not sorry about his actions and I would worry about them happening again. I would definitely suggest finding another counselor and trying to work past this. It says a lot that you're willing to do so, especially given his behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bean0909 said:


> He needs to be apologizing, not justifying.


The only way he is likely to do this is seeing her taking actions to separate from him, to KNOW she is willing to walk away. Not that she has to, but that she has to be WILLING to, if he doesn't straighten up.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

That is a heck of a lot of texts. He should write her and tell her that he wants no contact with her. Otherwise you'll never trust him, but be careful, my h wrote me a promisary note that he would not contact his OW too, and he was texting her later the same day. Keep an eye on his cell phone. 
Learning to trust again is the hard part.


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