# Should I go?



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

We have a trip set up for next week and I am nervous about going away with him as his behavior has been erratic to say the least. Telling me he hopes I get lost and never come home when I go out for an errand... or he doesnt f-ing care... but then before this he said he wanted to move forward and he doesnt want me to leave. It is so bad I fear feeling trapped there with him with no way out.

The problem is I cant tell him ahead of time bc he will say some bs like I do this everytime we have a planned trip... its actually him who starts acting weird and begins fights so that it makes me not want to go, and that gives him justification in his mind for telling me I do this before every trip... but he wont see that, bc it doesnt suit his present mindset. Any suggestions?:scratchhead:


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't know your background, but trust your instinct. If you're nervous, there's justification for it. You either fear the fight because you've had it a hundred times with him or you really believe the cruel things he says. We've all been in relationships with this personality type, he's a control freak, likes to play head games, verbally and psychologically abusive...follow your gut and maybe try a new approach. Rather than cringing away from his argumentative nature, try to be/act stronger in front of him. As long as that won't put you in harm's way. When I regained the confidence my ex sucked out of me over years, the shift of power knocked him on his ass and he was the one begging to come back.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

How did that happen? I dont see that ever happening... Maybe my biggest mistake was not allowing him to be taken by the police that night bc when they asked me if he had hit me before I paused and said no. They said they would have taken him in cuffs if he had. He tells me Im trying to destroy his career by calling the police and I say Im trying to protect myself. He then says he only shoved me off the bed (hard enough to bruise me) bc I pulled on his underwear. Was I in the wrong? Maybe I was crazy, I had heard no so many times for sex when I initiated, maybe I did cross a line by pulling on his underwear. I did it though bc I tried walk away 3 times after he said no and he taunted me back in with insults, then lie and then another insult. I said, you arent going to let me just walk away without putting me down, so why should I leave you alone. That was my mistake, but I had had it with him coaxing me and pushing me into arguments and then blaming them on me and then using them as reasons to not have sex. Now that I have taken the sex away (meaning I dont ask for it, and almost dont want it from him bc his behavior has made him unattractive in my eyes) he finds other things to fight about, his mother, church, kids. 

My instinct is to go to the airport with an empty old suitcase I dont mind losing and get on the plane with him and then excuse myself to the front of the plane for something... then hope off and leave. Or, take my time prior to getting on the plane so he gets on before me and I just dont get on (the risk there is that he gets off to look for me and he will be pissed).

Here he comes, gotta run.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I read a few of your other posts and wow.... how do you stay with this guy? He sounds like he has no respect for you and he has huge power issues. You sound like quite a loving wife and you have tried all sorts of things, but he doesn't seem to want to budge on anything. I'm all for saving marriages but some of the things you describe (especially the bit about the police you just posted) are just crossing the line. I cringed when I read in another post how he said he could go and sleep with any woman and you would never know. I don't want to bag your husband out but.... a lot of things you have described are just unacceptable!

I have a parent that also has huge power issues so I guess your posts struck a bit of a nerve with me. I have been told by a therapist that people like this... regardless of how it might look to us... are driven by fear. They live their life in fear and these power issues are a way for them to feel like they have control over their life. I know the powerless feeling that you get when they talk to you like you are piece of cr*p day after day. And how they reduce your self esteem to zero and make you believe that without them in your life... you will shrivel up and die. They are so good at it that you end up believing them eventually. It is really, really unhealthy and regardless of what they tell you... nothing they say has an ounce of credibility and is a huge bunch of BS.

I just want to say that you deserve better than this. Also, I'm not sure if you have kids or not but if you do and they grow up in a household where this sort of thing goes on, they will pick up on it and they will have issues for the rest of their life. That is what happened to me and my siblings. 

In terms of how to deal with it... that is a tough one. There is no changing a person like this without long term therapy. I would say put the focus on you... make sure YOU are ok first and foremost. I would just love to say "Kick him to the kerb!" but I know its easier said than done. The only way to continue living with him would be to shift the balance of power in the relationship. But that is a tough one.. I went down that route and it wasn't pretty! Someone who is so used to being the "king of the castle" will not take kindly when suddenly their threats and putdowns mean absolutely nothing and have no effect. What your husband wants out of you is a reaction so I would suggest that, regardless of your feelings at the time, show no reaction whatsoever if he says something to you that irks you. Gradually you have to aim to live in such a way that you do not depend on him and therefore he has no power over you. 

Uhg I was going to say more but really... some of the stuff you described is just wrong. Do you really want to keep living like that? You are so much better than that. You would thrive in a loving environment I bet.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

No I dont want to keep living like this, you are right about that. My therapist doesnt want me to either. I go to check in with her to gauge my happiness, self esteem and tolerance. She is concerned bc the level of this behavior I tolerate but is ok with my self esteem level for now... she is worried it will only go down.

My kids are not his, which makes this worse... I dont want another disruption in their lives, although life with me and their dad is good and maybe that is all that matters... the bio parents and them. I chose to be with this man bc my son really identified and looked up to him. I mean you can read my older posts, Im sure I said all that before. What my husband fails to understand is that whenever I would have sex with him, its just sex and it doesnt mean things are ok with us... he doesnt get that bc he cant have sex unless things are ok. The problem is, he always finds something to be angry at so things arent ok enough most of the time. 

I want to leave, but cant find a job, and can afford only rent and basic food maybe for the kids... Im actually too tired at this point from driving my kids an hour and a half in the morning and at least 2 hours in the afternoon for their commute to camp and school bc husband made me move far away from where they go to school bc he didnt want to commute more than 30 minutes.

Anyway, I just wanted to know how to NOT go on this trip him. How can I do it without him getting angry and then threatening me... he will probably divorce me if I dont go. Im hoping this cold I just started sticks around and I can use that as an excuse to not go... then I can find an apartment or room for rent while he is gone. I only get like 2 hours to myself a day when I am not on the road and while he is at work to research this stuff... and I like to keep in shape and eat right so I stay in the right mindset... exercise really helps keep me calm about all this. Then, its back on the road again...


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

too late, I haven't read any of your old posts yet and, obviously I don't know you, but based on your 3 posts in this thread, holy **** ! I think your idea of getting out of the airport or off the plane is the right one. Don't use an empty suitcase, you need to weigh it down a bit so he thinks there are things in it. Play along with him, let him think you're excited to go and try not to get manipulated into a fight, that's what he feeds on. It empowers him to know you are scared and he's in control.

You HAVE to find the strength to move out immediately and to be gone before he gets back. Don't wait to find a room to rent, do it now so it's there for you as soon as you get back from the airport. My ex wasn't physically abusive, but the psych and verbal was brutal enough for me. I am genuinely concerned for you and your children. The kids are his? all the more reason to get out and stop subjecting your children to this. Can their Dad take them temporarily while you get yourself safe? 
trombones is completely right, people like this are ruled by fear. They're angry all the time and manipulate people by being bullies. You're not doing you or your children any good by staying. Not letting the cops take him away was a mistake, but one that you don't have to repeat. 

I'm sure this is nothing you haven't thought of yourself, but there are many women who have been in this bad situation and gotten out. You've got to do it now before things escalate to something worse


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I am in the process of switching utilities to his name bc its something we had talked about... and when I finally did it yesterday his response was "Now are you going to buy my groceries? You obviously have a plan with your money, what is it?" Talk about controlling. I wanted to say "will you pay for all my gas that I use commuting tht kids bc I moved to another state to be with you?" But that would end up with him listing off the things he pays for and adding them up and saying now where is your part, since you handed it over to me?" We decided to dop that so my child support could be used on whatever I needed for the kids, I could save for trips etc... but I guess that is out the window now bc it has been conveniently "forgotten". He does that alot when it suits him.

Yes, I have thought of it all, but end up always back to staying here because my son loves him. 

My mom offered for us to come stay there... Its just not a kid friendly house and he would come look for us there. I dont know maybe he wouldnt bc he would be glad to be rid of me, oh but he also says he loves me still or he wouldnt be here. I dont know what to think anymore. I know the older posters on here who know what has been going on told me to leave a long time ago, but I kept trying. I just want the man I fell in love with back and I cant find him anywhere, he is gone and this angry, complicated, unloving man is in his place.

My mom also said I need to figure out what I want and if its sex that I want and he needs to feel right all the time, then I need to make him right all the time so I get the sex. If I want to back in my home state, I need to move. She said figure out what is most important and then act.

I have to think really hard as if I decide not to go on the trip, I better not be findable when he gets back... he will rage.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

the loneliness of a bad marriage is far worse than the loneliness of being single, try to keep that in mind.

Also, is this man the role model you want for your son? It doesn't matter what age your son is, he hears/sees/absorbs far more than you realize and he's going to grow up to treat women with the same disrespect and abuse that he's observed in his own home. 

Try not to put that burden on a young life, to have him warped into something vicious and ugly would be a sin and someday you could have a daughter-in-law living the same life you currently are and then you'll be wishing you changed things when you had the chance. 

If you can't be strong for yourself, then please focus on how you can help your son grow up to be a better man than this piece of garbage. And if he's angry with you for taking him away from his step-father, you'll have to explain to him how much "joe" was hurting you and that he wouldn't stop hurting you, that you were afraid it would get worse. He doesn't need all the terrible details but when he sees the look on your face as you're telling him, he will get the jist. In time, he'll understand even more when he sees his mom relaxed and happy again.


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