# Anyone here ever confronted person your spouse cheated with?



## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

Just wondering about this...
How did you do it? How did you feel afterwards? Were you glad you confronted him/her? 
Thanks!


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

I did - the first time my H cheated. I actually confronted her before him. 

How did I do it? I called her, told her every little detail that I knew about their fling (so she couldn't deny it), and told her to kindly keep her hands off my husband. I was very calm and collected, very matter-of-fact. I also very quietly informed her that if she chose to continue, I would inform their employer and allow them to suffer the ramifications of that relationship as they had a no fraternization policy.

How did I feel about it afterwards? I personally felt like crap afterwards. I thought it would make me feel better, but actually I just felt bad for her as she had been duped just as I was. I'm not saying she was a victim, but she certainly didn't have all the information required to make a good decision. 

Was I glad I confronted her? Nope. Not at all. It made me feel terrible PLUS I then could put a face and name together so when I thought about it later the pictures in my head were way too realistic.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

Momof3kids said:


> but she certainly didn't have all the information required to make a good decision.
> 
> Was I glad I confronted her? Nope. Not at all. It made me feel terrible PLUS I then could put a face and name together so when I thought about it later the pictures in my head were way too realistic.


I have to agree with momo3kids. I dont think it will help at all.

Although you may think that it might help you to confront this person who clearly has no respect for you, your marriage/relationship or even themselves chances are YOU will be the one who comes off even worse emotionally. They are not going to feel bad for entering into someones elses world otherwise they would not have done it in the 1st place....

Sure you will have some things off your chest maybe, but is it worth putting the face to the name (whatever that name is ) or a voice to it??? what will you really get out of it? 

Of course I can understand you want to yell and scream at this person and tell them how their actions have impacted your life and those closest to you, you want to tell them what you think of them i get that but at maybe your partner should be the one you yell and scream at, it takes 2 people to enter into an affair and the one closest to you ie your SO should be the one to see your pain, feel your hurt as they are going to listen to what you have to say more than the other person in the affair ie a complete stranger....


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## maemayon (Mar 10, 2010)

I did it. I even posted blogs about her with contact information. It blew up in my face. My husband was extremely angry. Made me apologize to her and remove the blogs. 

I guess this was his way of covering his own tracks? I don't know.

But trust me, once you spy and see what's up you can never take back what you saw. If your relationship has gotten to the point of spying, it might be time to move on.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I sent an email, telling her my disappointment in both her and my husband and I did tell her to stay away from me, and my boys.......no response of course, made me feel better, right or wrong, husband knows, he didn't say much about and understood it was something I needed to do.....


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I did with 2 of the women my ex-husband cheated on me with.

The first one (we all 3 worked together), lied to my face. She told me that yes, in the beginning she was attracted to my husband, but she didn't feel that way anymore and felt that we were all friends. A week later he moved across the state with her to a place she'd had set up.

The second one, he worked with. I'd found some pretty graphic emails between them. I emailed her and asked her why she was writing my husband telling him she wanted to **ck him. She wrote me back saying is was just joking and that I didn't appreciate him or treat him right. Her husband caught them in her car together behind where they work. She ended up pregnant about the same time I did.....hmmm....

I think that the thought of confronting the person always sounds good, but doesn't help at all in the long run.


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## ppl (Apr 8, 2010)

considering doing it now to confirm that affair took place to get truth. if i already had proof would not give them satisfaction of showing i cared. i believe, at least on the mans part, that an affair is not only about sex but also the excitement of proving your self better than the husband.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

It is the responsability of both you and your husband to protect your marriage. If he cannot do it you must... (within legal means of course).


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

If you think you're going to get the truth when you contront the other person, you're probably going to be sadly mistaken.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

From a purely rational point of view, the other person owes you absolutely nothing. They never made any vows to you. Confronting them suggests they have violated you/your rights in a way that simply does not exist. It means you expect them to recognize "your" rights. But b/c they do not have any relationship with you, you have no rights to assert over them, nor do they owe you any responsibility. 

Second, the other person may be as much a "victim" as you are--if your spouse has deceived them in any way. It's not unusual for the cheater to say they are "separated" but in the same house for financial reasons. The "separation" is not a legal one, of course, and may simply mean "We're separated b/c I'm here with you, my OW/OM, and not with my spouse at the moment." 

You can assert all you want that "common decency" means the other person should withdraw, but from their point of view, you may be the one who needs to withdraw--quit your claim on your ex so s/he can be free. If the other person believes you have mistreated or otherwise forfeited your right to your spouse, you are the one (in their eyes) that has no common decency. 

I'm not trying to say you are "wrong," but rather to point out why the idea of confronting the other person is likely to be doomed to failure.

The only person who owes you ANYTHING is your spouse. Focus your attention where it is appropriate and don't waste energy elsewhere. If your spouse doesn't want to end an affair, it's unlikely the other person will either.


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## mygirls2 (Apr 13, 2010)

I really agree with what sisters359 had to say. 

The only thing that I can add to this is that you never know until you try because she could be totally oblivious to the single fact of him being married. If I was messing around with a man and genuinely thought he was single and with me, I would be crushed because by NO means would I EVER do that to another woman. The only way I would is if I was lied to by him...so with that being said, I think she could very well be a kind woman who's willing to talk to you about it if she has any kind of respect for married couples and you never know she may be just as shocked as you are and on your side with it all. It's a tough situation, but if you do confront her...have some tact and do not automatically accuse and I think if she's a woman with a heart she will at least listen to you. Good luck!


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