# I have no idea what to do



## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

My H and I have been married four and a half years with one child. I have outlined our history on this site many times, but essentially we got married because of pregnancy. He has never wanted to raise a child in two different homes, so that has been the driving force behind everything. After four years of thinking it was me failing him somehow, I finally realized that nothing I do will ever make him happy. 

That being said, we tried counseling, but the counselor said there was nothing he could do because we have such different goals. H wants to work on the marriage, make me fall in love with him, etc., and I can barely stand to be in a room with him. He is so desperate to make me love him again that he is suffocating me. I told him I needed space from him, from us, to figure out if I want to work on it, and his solution is to go away together for a week. Nevermind that he refused to take a honeymoon with me because he was "too busy" with work. I feel like I begged him to make time for me for four years, and now that I am done, now that my foot is out the door, now he pays attention? 

I keep getting so desperate to be away from him that I leave the house after our child is asleep and don't come back until H goes to bed. I am exhausted from so many late nights, but he won't let me sleep because he just wants to talk and talk and beg me to love him. It's making me cranky and snappy. I know it is unfair, but we stayed up late talking night after night for weeks, and the conversation was always the same. The counselor even said that talking would get us nowhere until one or both of us changed our goal. He asked me what it would take for me to stay, and I said to stop trying to be a couple and just work on being parents and friends who are learning to communicate. But he refuses. He keeps hugging and kissing me.

This is all so hard and so sad. I hate hurting him, but I feel like I need to be firm and cold or he will never hear what I am telling him.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

laniegirl84 said:


> My H and I have been married four and a half years with one child. I have outlined our history on this site many times, but essentially we got married because of pregnancy. He has never wanted to raise a child in two different homes, so that has been the driving force behind everything. After four years of thinking it was me failing him somehow, I finally realized that nothing I do will ever make him happy.
> 
> That being said, we tried counseling, but the counselor said there was nothing he could do because we have such different goals. H wants to work on the marriage, make me fall in love with him, etc., and I can barely stand to be in a room with him. He is so desperate to make me love him again that he is suffocating me. I told him I needed space from him, from us, to figure out if I want to work on it, and his solution is to go away together for a week. Nevermind that he refused to take a honeymoon with me because he was "too busy" with work. I feel like I begged him to make time for me for four years, and now that I am done, now that my foot is out the door, now he pays attention?
> 
> ...


Then get your ducks in a row, get a job, and file for divorce.

Don't cheat, be reasonable in asset settlement and child support.


----------



## laniegirl84 (Sep 3, 2013)

michzz said:


> Then get your ducks in a row, get a job, and file for divorce.
> 
> Don't cheat, be reasonable in asset settlement and child support.




I have a job. I fully intend coparenting with 50/50 split as much as possible. And I have no interest in taking any money from him. As long as I can keep my car, he can have whatever else he wants. Including the big screen tv that my parents bought for us.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If your long term goal is only to be able to tolerate living with each other, just start moving to divorce. It's not a marriage at that point anyway. 

If your goal is to heal your relationship fully, and you honestly think that a separation will help, then make that happen. Stop letting him push you agenda. Focus on what YOU need to be healthy. But my personal opinion is that a separation is most often just a step towards divorce, not healing. Continuing your marriage counseling will help, though. 

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If your goal is to ease into separation and divorce, then continue what you are doing. You can speed it up by just talking to a lawyer and get papers drawn.

If your goal is to fall in love with your husband and have a family, then do what your husband is suggesting. Go on a trip together. Hug and kiss him when you don't want to. Fake it till you make it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

laniegirl84 said:


> My H and I have been married four and a half years with one child. I have outlined our history on this site many times, but essentially we got married because of pregnancy. He has never wanted to raise a child in two different homes, so that has been the driving force behind everything. *After four years of thinking it was me failing him somehow, I finally realized that nothing I do will ever make him happy.
> *
> That being said, we tried counseling, but the counselor said there was nothing he could do because we have such different goals. H wants to work on the marriage, make me fall in love with him, etc., *and I can barely stand to be in a room with him. He is so desperate to make me love him again that he is suffocating me.* I told him I needed space from him, from us, to figure out if I want to work on it, and his solution is to go away together for a week. Nevermind that he refused to take a honeymoon with me because he was "too busy" with work.* I feel like I begged him to make time for me for four years, and now that I am done, now that my foot is out the door, now he pays attention?
> *
> ...


I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt! (divorce papers!) He will go right back to treating you the same way he did before should you tell him that you arent going anywhere. Start making your plans to file, he will just have to learn to deal with it, once its done.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Counselor said there was nothing he could do because we have such different goals


Assuming your counselor is a good one and knows what he/she is doing why are you asking us questions?





> I can barely stand to be in a room with him.


What are you waiting for? Get busy NOW and get the divorce papers going. You are miserable and he is lowering himself by trying to suck up to you.



You do not want to stay with him and are very resentful towards him yet you still are with him. If you stay with him without changing you will whittle him down to a pitiful man. He is embarrassing himself by chasing after you. No one should chase after someone that cannot stand to be in the same room with them. Both of you are pathetic in your marriage.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The way to do this is to put an exit plan together. Then work the steps one by one By the time you got to filing the divorce you will be able to handle his reaction much better.

What are all the things that you need to do to get to the point of filing for divorce?

One would be to make sure you have copies of all legal documents, financial documents, etc.

Research your state divorce laws, interview attornies and find out what you want as a settlement. If your going to do the divorce pro se (represent yourself) or use a mediator then research that.

What else do you think that you need to do.


----------

