# Why is my wife so heartless?



## tony8404

Hi everyone, just when things seem to be getting somewhere something sets me back everytime. Not that this is a set back but I was not ready for this.
My Grandmother had passed away not this pass weekend but Easter sunday weekend. I was very close to her when i was younger, she ended up developing dimensia and pretty much forgot everyone and everything about 10 to 11 years ago. After so long she went into a home, then the money ran out and into a public aid home. I hardly went to see her cause it hurt to much to see her and her not remember anything, not to mention she just sat there like she was sleeping. Though she did make it to my wedding and met her two great grand daughters which are my two daughters.
Just that thrusday before my wifes grandpa had passed away. Now my wife said he would promise stuff and never came through especially presents for occasions. She never really saw him, so i had thought she was not really close or had attachment as much as i had with my grandma.
I had told her that to go to texas to the funeral but she did not want to. I had told her i should talk cause i always say i am going to see my grandma but never do. I told her i should go before something happens and bam, that saturday night it happened. So now i am kinda upset that i did not go not to mention sorta depressed as well with the whole situation. 
Now after the funeral i had told my wife i doubt i will ever be the same again, i said that i will be very sad for a long time. Well, yesterday being at work and by myself most of the day i have a lot of time to think. So of course i thought of her and was upset. I talked to the wife but she was kinda busy so i did not say to much besides that i was upset more then i thought i would be still.
So once i am home i am okay, it is being alone and having time to think that kills me. After the kids went to bed, i started to think and was getting upset. I went to my wife and had said this is harder then i had thought, i am still very upset. She tells me "be a man and get over it".
Mind you at the funeral when we were about to leave i was very upset and finally my wife was by me and she actually put her arms around me and patted my back even though she did nothing like that any other time during the wake or funeral. 
When i first found out about my grandma my wife said nothing to me. Talk about cold shoulder huh? So i was telling her that i was sorry for all the bad things i have done and that i no longer want to be mean to her and that i feel my grandma is unhappy with me cause of the last 11 years the way i ran my life. So now i want to make her happy by fixing everything but it seems my wife is not on board with me... She does not seem to care.
This morning i had not said a word to her cause of what she said to me last night. It just seems she has really distanced her self from me alot in the past few months. I see so much lack of care from her it worries me that things are not what they seem. I feel like i am living a lie, i feel she does not love me and that things are easier to keep them how they are. Sorta like she is comfortable by being miserable with me then us divorcing and me not there with the kids anymore... From what she has told me she is not sad about her grandpa anymore so i do not think that is the reason for her behavior. any thoughts?


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## turnera

If she feels unloved by you for any reason, she is going to not feel loving TO you. It may just be as simple as fixing your marriage. lol


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## Blanca

tony8404 said:


> So i was telling her that i was sorry for all the bad things i have done and that i no longer want to be mean to her and that i feel my grandma is unhappy with me cause of the last 11 years the way i ran my life. So now i want to make her happy by fixing everything but it seems my wife is not on board with me... She does not seem to care.
> 
> I see so much lack of care from her it worries me that things are not what they seem. I feel like i am living a lie, i feel she does not love me and that things are easier to keep them how they are.


so you come out of your coma and finally notice your wife has distanced herself from you. you say 'sorry' and expect her to come running to your side like a dog. wake up. you dont get her support because you dont deserve her support.


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## swedish

Hi Tony,

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. There are 2 things that come to mind:


People react to death and grieve differently
Since you have quit drinking you are likely much more plugged into your emotions than before

Your wife may just not know what to say or do to comfort you. I think it's fair to say this is true for many people in this situation. And based on her recently losing her grandfather and not feeling overly emotional about it, she may just grieve differently or not understand where you are coming from.

As far as what you are feeling, it sounds as though her death has made you reflect on the good impact she had on your life and some bad decisions you made and are feeling guilty about. One thing I can say is that you are working hard to make positive changes for yourself and your family, so give yourself a pat on the back for that & try not to focus on past mistakes you cannot change!


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## created4success

tony8404 said:


> It just seems she has really distanced her self from me alot in the past few months. I see so much lack of care from her it worries me that things are not what they seem. I feel like i am living a lie, i feel she does not love me and that things are easier to keep them how they are. Sorta like she is comfortable by being miserable with me then us divorcing and me not there with the kids anymore... From what she has told me she is not sad about her grandpa anymore so i do not think that is the reason for her behavior. any thoughts?


Have you considered asking her what's going on and how you can help her?


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## Crypsys

Sometime the bitterest pill we can ever take is our own medicine Tony. 11 years of issues do not get fixed in a few days or weeks. Your wife is more then likely still harboring hurt and pain from your past acts. She cannot be expected to just get over it in a short amount of time. It will take a lot of healing, trust and time for her to let go. 

IMO, you seem to feel guilty about your past acts and seem to want atonement for them and your grandmothers death brought those to a head for you. 

It almost seems like to me you are having issues with Cognitive bias. In other words because of your own feelings of shame/guilt you are taking a situation and mis-interpreting it because of those feelings...


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## created4success

Crypsys said:


> 11 years of issues do not get fixed in a few days or weeks. Your wife is more then likely still harboring hurt and pain from your past acts. She cannot be expected to just get over it in a short amount of time. It will take a lot of healing, trust and time for her to let go.


You're right, C. My marriage started off very unhealthy because of my past. By the time I wanted to get healthy, accepted responsibility and wanted to change, my wife was quite stilted and hurt from my words and actions. (I wondered why she couldn't get over it quicker, just forgive me, and move on).

As they say, healing takes time...


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## needserioushelp

I just wanted to offer my understanding and support to you. I was a little taken back by some of the replies.

I didn't catch what the past issues were. But cold shouldering anyone during a time of loss like that is not ok. I would struggle to do that to my worst enemy. Let alone my spouse.

I don't have answers for you because I don't know your wife. It is possible that whatever has happened in the past deeply hurt her. So sometimes people will create defense mechanisms to protect themselves in the future. 

The best advise I can give is talk to her. Ask her gently if there is something that you've done to hurt her. Maybe it can be fixed, maybe it can't. But there is no justifiable reason to be mean to someone when they have lost a loved one. Maybe even temporary forgiveness during your grief with the reassurance that the both of you will work out your past issues soon.


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