# Choosing not to have children



## ladypomegranate

When my husband and I married we had already discussed the possibility of not having children. He nor I have ever really felt strongly about wanting kids. We're in our late 20's though and I knew that our minds could change over the years. So I got an IUD and said that when it was time to take it out (it lasts 5 years) we would decide if we were ready and make a decision.

However, lately I've been feeling like the decision needs to be made. I'm thinking about going back to college and starting a new career. If I do this I know that my chances of finding time to have a child will run out. Neither of us want to risk having a child past 35 due to the risks that come with having children at a later age. 

My decision has been to not have a child then. It's a huge door to close and certainly a monumental decision to make. My husband supports that; he wants a child even less than I do. But even though I feel that this is the right decision I still have lingering doubts. I suppose it's just a hormonal female thing, but the desire to have a child is always there. What I don't really have AT ALL is the desire to raise a child- at least not now and maybe not ever.

I know most people on this thread already have children, but has anyone ever had to make this decision? How did you feel and did you have doubts? Should we really make a life decision like this early in our marriage (married 2 years)?


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## ladypomegranate

No, we were both raised in fairly stable households by mother's that stayed home when we were young and worked when we were older. And I can admit when I look at our parents it does seem like they had to make career and personal sacrifices to raise their children, but I understand that you HAVE to make sacrificices to have a family.

My issue with the career is that I fear I won't have time to get established before my child bearing years are over. And I would sacrifice a career if I had a child; I believe in being there for your kids. But, at this point, my desire to have a career is much stronger than my desire to have children. It's just an issue of tick-tock, tick-tock.

My decision isn't based on fear. It's based on logic and time constraints. If we had married at a younger age I wouldn't feel so rushed. And I just won't take the chance of having an unhealthy baby at an older age. Which give me basically 4-5 years to get a career started and settled before having a baby. Definite crunch time.


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## Chelhxi

I've known since I was 14 that I didn't want children, so it was an easy decision for me. At around 30 I really thought about having kids to make sure that not having them was still right for me. It still was. I never had that constant desire to have kids that you mentioned. I barely like having pets.

When I started discussing this with by BF (now husband) he grew up thinking he'd probably have kids since that was "normal". But when he thought about the reality of it, he decided he didn't want kids either. I think he wants them less than I.

I got my tubal done 1 month after our wedding, when I was 31. No regrets. 

Since you seem to have mixed feelings, I wouldn't close any doors yet. There are lots of different possibilities to life, so you should think through multiple options. Also, you never know what might happen - maybe the career thing won't work the way you hope. Maybe you're unable to have kids. I think at a certain point you just have to make peace with your choices and not worry too much about the other path. Since you can't go back in time, you just make the best decision you can at the time. Of course, it's good to have a plan in case you did get pregnant (DH and I have discussed children in a fair amount of detail even though we never intended to have any.)


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## Mrs.G

*PM Me!*

If you want to send me a private message, we can discuss childfreedom. My husband and I are certain that we do not want to have children. He is having his vasectomy in January of 2012.:smthumbup:

I had an abusive mother who showed me how awful parenting can be for some women. Seeing a graphic birth video at 15 sickened me; I knew right then and there that I could never suffer the indignity and pain of childbirth. 

I think having a baby would cause me to lose my mind. I worked as a nanny and it was tortuous to say the least. A screaming infant had me crying from frustration and I wanted to throw her out the goddamn window. There is no way I could handle being hormonal with a banshee newborn; I am afraid that I would hurt my baby in that state.

I have had a lot of negative experiences that have turned me right off. I admit that I get curious about what it is to be pregnant, but that passes as soon as I see how fat and unhappy my preggo best friend is. I am a nurturing and loving lady and my nieces reap the benefits of that, as do animals.

From now on, I just tell people that we cannot have children when they ask. Honest answers lead to angry and self righteous parents, who seem to live in my head and know that I will "change my mind."

Read all the threads from the married couples on this site, who became parents and lost their sexual relationship. Ask yourself if you want to risk that.


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## golfergirl

Mrs.G said:


> If you want to send me a private message, we can discuss childfreedom. My husband and I are certain that we do not want to have children. He is having his vasectomy in January of 2012.:smthumbup:
> 
> I had an abusive mother who showed me how awful parenting can be for some women. Seeing a graphic birth video at 15 sickened me; I knew right then and there that I could never suffer the indignity and pain of childbirth.
> 
> I think having a baby would cause me to lose my mind. I worked as a nanny and it was tortuous to say the least. A screaming infant had me crying from frustration and I wanted to throw her out the goddamn window. There is no way I could handle being hormonal with a banshee newborn; I am afraid that I would hurt my baby in that state.
> 
> I have had a lot of negative experiences that have turned me right off. I admit that I get curious about what it is to be pregnant, but that passes as soon as I see how fat and unhappy my preggo best friend is. I am a nurturing and loving lady and my nieces reap the benefits of that, as do animals.
> 
> From now on, I just tell people that we cannot have children when they ask. Honest answers lead to angry and self righteous parents, who seem to live in my head and know that I will "change my mind."
> 
> Read all the threads from the married couples on this site, who became parents and lost their sexual relationship. Ask yourself if you want to risk that.


I do think it's sad people don't allow others the respect of their own choices (feeling it's easier to lie to avoid being lectured). I am a mom and love it. But what skin is it off my butt if someone doesn't want children? This went off topic, but I just wanted to chime in and say as someone who can't imagine MY life without kids, understands and respects someone who feels differently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladypomegranate

I certainly respect people who want to have children and am happy for them when they do but I don't really have a desire to hang around them and their kids either. I think that's another concern- all your friends start to have kids and then you have nothing in common with them. Just means seeing them less or finding a new group of people to hang with. 

My best friend has 5 kids. I joke that she took my quotient of kids so I don't have to worry about having any! We maintain our friendship but we certainly have less in common and don't spend as much time together. Just different lifestyles.


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## Mrs.G

*Mom Lite*

I know my best friend will have less in common with me, once she becomes a mom. I am dreading it, but such is life. I am also very excited about my "niece" or "nephew" coming; that baby kicks when she hears my voice or is aware that Mommy is speaking to me. I watched the little one dance about during the ultrasound and wept. I love kids, just when they can go back to their parents.

Being an aunt is Mom Lite. :smthumbup: I get to have fun with my nieces and spoil them, without the daily responsibilty and disciplining them. I love buying clothes, toys and jewellery for my girls, as well as taking them fun places and heaping attention on the oldest one, who is 8. Her sister is 2 and gets most of the limelight; I know how it feels to have a little sibling. Shyanne is delighted to have all of Auntie when we go places.

I am finally going to meet my newest niece in October, when she will be 18 months old. She is a sweet little redheaded baby; her hair is the color of red autumn leaves, just like her uncle (my husband). Harper is running around and she will probably be speaking a little bit when I see her. I plan on reading books with this child and carrying her around.


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## magnoliagal

Look it doesn't matter whether you have kids or not. There is no rule about that. I wish more people would NOT have kids because clearly they didn't think it through when they decided to have a baby. They fail to consider that the baby grows up and there are sacrificies that continue for at least 18 years if you are lucky.

That said I swore I'd never have kids (bad upbringing) but then later I changed my mind. Ended up building a career starting at age 28 first then having a family later (last child was born when I was 39 - I had 3 kids quickly).

So I say leave the door open and don't worry so much about time constraints. LOTS and lots of women have healthy children past the age of 35. I did and there are quite of few of us older parents at my kids school. We are the responsible ones that volunteer for everything. LOL!!


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## KI0159

HI

I feel the same way as you although Im not carrer minded. Im in my late twenties and I always thought If I were to have children it would be at the age I am now. We have discussed kids and my Husband and I both feel the same.......unsure! Im now telling myself I dont have to make a decision yet I still have a few years but to be honest I think then I'll be in the same position.

Like you we have no strong desire to have kids but Im worried that I'll get to my forties and then be full of regrets. 

I think if I fell pregnant by accident (not meant to offend) then thats it decision made, we would welcome the baby of course buts thats not going to happend.

My in laws keep saying stuff like 'when you have a family.......', so obviously they just assume. My brother just comes out and actually asks me 'when are we having a baby'.

I just thought it would always be an easy decision to make but its not.

Theres time I see people with kids on the tv or real life and think I want to have that and then theres days i'll be looking after my nieces and can't wait for them to go home.


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## SimplyAmorous

My advice is simply - don't do anything pernament with your or his fertility. When you remove this 5 yr IUD , get a 10 year Copper IUD the next time (they say they are effective for 12 yrs now). 

Nothing worse than changing your mind & realizing you did something you will can not turn the clock back on, closing a door that will cost thousands & luck to achieve. Many a women has done this, and it is very sorrowful for them. Our feelings & desires CAN change. What is that saying>> "*It's a Woman's Prerogative to Change Her Mind*".

Something can happen to trigger something deep inside us as the years progress. Best to leave an "open door" or "open womb" in this case. 

I was infertile for a time, it was the most devestating thing I have ever lived through, much sorrow & worry if I would ever have more children. Even after having 6, I still will not do anything pernament because of that experience.

I love my copper IUD !


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## ladypomegranate

@SimplyAmorous- I have considered just keeping the IUD but the problem is that it makes me miserable- bloated, massive weight gain, cramps and infections. I can't take hormonal BC so my husband has said he will get a vascectomy and I can get the IUD removed. I have the Mirena so maybe the copper would be better but I don't know. It was very painful getting the first IUD, not sure I relish getting another one.


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## Mrs.G

ladypomegranate said:


> @SimplyAmorous- I have considered just keeping the IUD but the problem is that it makes me miserable- bloated, massive weight gain, cramps and infections. I can't take hormonal BC so my husband has said he will get a vascectomy and I can get the IUD removed. I have the Mirena so maybe the copper would be better but I don't know. It was very painful getting the first IUD, not sure I relish getting another one.


Do NOT get another IUD!! Obviously, it is not meant for you.


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