# Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean?



## bhappy3

I keep telling my husband that I need an emotional connection to want to have sex with him, but it wasn't until I was sitting with girlfriends that I realized that I have no idea what I mean by that!!! 

I know this is something that women want from their man in order for a better connection for sex, but what is it exactly that we want? 

If I can't answer this question to myself, how the heck am I supposed to explain it to him!!?? :scratchhead:

Input anyone?


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## SFladybug

I like the question because I also always say I want that too. Sometimes I think it means I feel as we are on the same page about stuff instead of fighting against what the other person wants. Sometimes I really think it means I want to control how close we get or at least have some input in the process as opposed to just responding to his approach. I will think about this some more and maybe have a better handle on it later.


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## scarletblue

Wow, good question. I know what it means in my mind, but putting it in words is a toughie.

My ex-husband would come to bed after hanging out with his buddies and having nothing to do with me all day and evening, start groping for me and want to have sex. That is no emotional connection.

I agree with the other poster, feeling like you're on the same page. I like to feel like my hubby is "into me", and I'm "into him". It can be a great coversation, a look, a hug, a touch. I want to feel like we're both there for the experience. I don't mean it has to be like romance movie stuff, variety is wonderful.

My ex made me feel like he was just using me for the "act". To me, there is an enormous difference.


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## Amplexor

Someone once told me that “Men use sexual activity to build a better emotional connection while women use an emotional connection to build a better sex life.” Granted it is a blanket statement and doesn’t directly address the OP’s question but I thought of it as I read the post.


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## justean

ok i wil put it this way for me . i could sleep with a man i have chemistry with. i could not sleep with someone that i dont have this chemistry with. so i mean i couldnt go to bed with someone i dont like. to me it is the entwining of two bodies and souls that connect for those moments at that time. 
i could stil like someone, but not sleep with them, because the desire or the emotional desire isnt there to have that sexual intimacy with.


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## Mr. R

This is something I have struggled to understand since as far back as I began thinking about sex. I can most definitely have sex with a woman I despise, provided I find her physically attractive. Of course, if I dislike her, it's unlikely she and I would get together to begin with. But it has occasionally happened. Afterwards, of course, I didn't request a repeat performance. One time a woman that I disliked did; I turned her down. I have never been so satisfied with myself in all my life. Not that I had the self-control to turn her down, but rather I was satisfied because of the look on her face. Many women use sex as a form of control over men; her realization that I wasn't falling for it was golden.

Am I a self-centered horse's behind? To a degree, yes. But I'm honest and up-front with women: I don't hide my intentions or promise anything more than I am willing to give. If they think they can change me and are later disabused of this mistaken notion, it's not my fault that their hopes overshadowed the truth of the situation.

I am married now, and that has its own set of difficulties. I have no problem having sex with my wife (when I can persuade her to) if I'm angry with her. On the other hand, she avoids me entirely when she's on about something. I simply do not understand why denying yourself the physical pleasure of sex is considered a normal response to anger for women. The idea reminds me of my mother's constant use of the phrase "cutting your nose off to spite your face." An annoying turn of phrase in my childhood that I think speaks well to this topic.

And speaking of sex as "the joining of souls?" I don't know about anyone else, but I have never felt my soul entwine with a woman; just some other parts. And no offense intended with that remark, Justean. I dearly enjoy reading your posts; I simply don't comprehend the spiritualization of what is a simple physical act.
Animals do it without all this bloody poetry, but the thrice-damned "sentience" of humans mucks the matter up endlessly. There's something to be said for just letting go and enjoying what happens, I think.


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## Sandy55

The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
If he is faithful and trustworthy,
If he can make me laugh, 
He smells good and is clean, 
Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not _jerks_),
Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "[email protected]@bs" and "p+ssy". 
Knows where my nerve endings are


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## Deejo

Sandy55 said:


> The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
> If he is faithful and trustworthy,
> If he can make me laugh,
> He smells good and is clean,
> Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not _jerks_),
> Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
> Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "[email protected]@bs" and "p+ssy".
> Knows where my nerve endings are


Can we please send this around as a memo? We are goal oriented, and having a neat list like this is bound to get more of us laid. It's win/win :smthumbup:

Perhaps we could reword the second to last item? I for one generally like to verify the equipment before going under the hood as it were.


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## hubbys baby

i think for me the connection i want to feel from my husband is when we have sex, i want him to be thinking of the moment we are in then, (not the worries that he has going on in his mind everyday), just enjoying the moment of pleasure with both of us.
I don't know if all that babble makes any sense, my words dont always portray what im actually trying to say...


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## Sensitive

Being married is supposed to imply that we are emotionally connected. Granted, we both have our moods, and if our lustful mood isn't in sync with the other, then the sex won't occur or it will feel unfulfilling. It would be nice if I can trust, desire or love my husband all the time, but if I did, I won't be complaining online so much.


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## Mr. R

hubbys baby said:


> i think for me the connection i want to feel from my husband is when we have sex, i want him to be thinking of the moment we are in then, (not the worries that he has going on in his mind everyday), just enjoying the moment of pleasure with both of us.
> I don't know if all that babble makes any sense, my words dont always portray what im actually trying to say...



An interesting point of view, coming from a woman. It's been my experience that it's women who often have trouble "getting out of their heads and into bed" as I once heard it put on TV. Some men (driven, career and promotion oriented sorts who think of nothing else) can, I suppose, become lost in the constant gaming of their standing in their place of work. 

Rest assured, hubbysbaby, that the vast majority of men are thinking of nothing else when they're having sex. Indeed, some of them (and I include myself in this lot), are thinking of nothing at all.


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## MarkTwain

Mr. R said:


> I am married now, and that has its own set of difficulties. I have no problem having sex with my wife (when I can persuade her to) if I'm angry with her. On the other hand, she avoids me entirely when she's on about something. I simply do not understand why denying yourself the physical pleasure of sex is considered a normal response to anger for women.


Yes. This is one of the major differences between male and female sexuality. I don't know if it can ever be understood - it just has to be accepted.

Men use sex as a stress buster. Women won't have sex if they're stressed. Of course I'm generalising, but in the main, this is how it goes.

Occasionally, my wife will say, I've had a crap day, let have sex - but it's not the norm for her. However, I have got better at convincing her that sex will make her feel better


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## Mr. R

Sandy55 said:


> The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
> If he is faithful and trustworthy,
> If he can make me laugh,
> He smells good and is clean,
> Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not _jerks_),
> Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
> Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "[email protected]@bs" and "p+ssy".
> Knows where my nerve endings are


What's wrong with "[email protected]@bs" and "p+ssy"? 

And I wish that women wouldn't think I was nothing but a "d+ck". At least that's what it seems like they think, as that is a seemingly common nickname for me. :rofl:

But seriously, folks simply need to not worry about what the other person (or other people; please God ) is thinking while they're having sex. Just concentrate on making sure you get what you want. I advocate this approach for men AND women, by the way. A woman who aggresively pursues her sexual preferences in bed is a whole other level of attractive!


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## Sandy55

Deejo said:


> Can we please send this around as a memo? We are goal oriented, and having a neat list like this is bound to get more of us laid. It's win/win :smthumbup:
> 
> Perhaps we could reword the second to last item? I for one generally like to verify the equipment before going under the hood as it were.


Uh, don't mean to rain on your parade  Deejo, but any man who says he wants to "check under _my_ hood and verify _my _*equipment*" before having the pleasure of my company is classified as a "jerk" in my intimacy manual. 

But I *will* give you the benefit of the doubt and consider you were just trying to be "cute" .

Engage brain before typing.....


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## Mr. R

MarkTwain said:


> Yes. This is one of the major differences between male and female sexuality. I don't know if it can ever be understood - it just has to be accepted.
> 
> Men use sex as a stress buster. Women won't have sex if they're stressed. Of course I'm generalising, but in the main, this is how it goes.
> 
> Occasionally, my wife will say, I've had a crap day, let have sex - but it's not the norm for her. However, I have got better at convincing her that sex will make her feel better


I wish I had a clue how to convince my wife of the same thing. Bravo, sir. 

And hello, as well. I believe this is the first of my (admittedly few) posts that you've replyed to. I have been lurking for quite awhile before I joined and I always enjoy reading what you think, even if I don't entirely understand or agree sometimes.

And before I forget, I did know one fellow some time ago who absolutely could not be bothered with sex if he had anything at all on his mind with his job or his elderly parents who he looked after. He would often date women for months and they were always the ones to end it. He would tell me they didn't understand the stresses he was under and were possesive of his time.

I had the opportunity to speak with one of his ex-girlfriends not long ago, and the conversation drifted to the topic of their breakup (her decision, as usual). A wonderful and d*mned beautiful lady, she said that even when he had time off, he would pore over reports, papers, and so forth. When she would suggest some sex to help him decompress, she said he looked at her as if she'd suggested something beyond all reason. He rarely made time for them and would only participate in fun and leisure (including sex) if he'd just reached some goal at work or was on vacation, which of course he didn't take as often as he could. She told me that she thought he looked at life "as a battle that ends only with death." So there are some fellows who will not allow themselves fun of any sort, perhaps out of some sense that if they take even one minute away from their concerns, they will fail and be destroyed, so to speak.


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## Rhea

One thing I always found odd about my H was that he wouldn't have "make up" sex....I was always like what?! There's nothing better than a stress relieving "romp" (for lack of better terminology) after a fight. I thought all men liked "make up" sex???


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## Mr. R

Rhea said:


> One thing I always found odd about my H was that he wouldn't have "make up" sex....I was always like what?! There's nothing better than a stress relieving "romp" (for lack of better terminology) after a fight. I thought all men liked "make up" sex???


I wouldn't know for certain, Rhea, if I like it or not, although I suspect I would. No woman I've been with has ever agreed to it. Again, this goes to my experience of women not being able to simply enjoy themselves physically and not worry about what's going on in their heads. This matter speaks to the OP's original topic of needing an emotional connection for sex. I don't need such a connection and find it hard to comprehend why anyone would. Perhaps your husband is something like my old friend I spoke about previously who wouldn't have sex if he was at all under stress of any kind. :scratchhead:


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## justean

Mr. R said:


> This is something I have struggled to understand since as far back as I began thinking about sex. I can most definitely have sex with a woman I despise, provided I find her physically attractive. Of course, if I dislike her, it's unlikely she and I would get together to begin with. But it has occasionally happened. Afterwards, of course, I didn't request a repeat performance. One time a woman that I disliked did; I turned her down. I have never been so satisfied with myself in all my life. Not that I had the self-control to turn her down, but rather I was satisfied because of the look on her face. Many women use sex as a form of control over men; her realization that I wasn't falling for it was golden.
> 
> Am I a self-centered horse's behind? To a degree, yes. But I'm honest and up-front with women: I don't hide my intentions or promise anything more than I am willing to give. If they think they can change me and are later disabused of this mistaken notion, it's not my fault that their hopes overshadowed the truth of the situation.
> 
> I am married now, and that has its own set of difficulties. I have no problem having sex with my wife (when I can persuade her to) if I'm angry with her. On the other hand, she avoids me entirely when she's on about something. I simply do not understand why denying yourself the physical pleasure of sex is considered a normal response to anger for women. The idea reminds me of my mother's constant use of the phrase "cutting your nose off to spite your face." An annoying turn of phrase in my childhood that I think speaks well to this topic.
> 
> And speaking of sex as "the joining of souls?" I don't know about anyone else, but I have never felt my soul entwine with a woman; just some other parts. And no offense intended with that remark, Justean. I dearly enjoy reading your posts; I simply don't comprehend the spiritualization of what is a simple physical act.
> Animals do it without all this bloody poetry, but the thrice-damned "sentience" of humans mucks the matter up endlessly. There's something to be said for just letting go and enjoying what happens, I think.


no offence taken Mr R, but then you havent found the right woman. i understand the physical act your implying to and i understand the animal instinct. i passed my biology exam. trust me ive had opportunities chucked my way. but ive got respect for my body and my soul. i like the person i am and the next person i meet wil see how a real woman is. i have slept with 9 men in my life total. trust me its not about quantity, its quality and i have alot of it.


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## justean

MarkTwain said:


> Men use sex as a stress buster. Women won't have sex if they're stressed. Of course I'm generalising, but in the main, this is how it goes.
> 
> Occasionally, my wife will say, I've had a crap day, let have sex - but it's not the norm for her. However, I have got better at convincing her that sex will make her feel better


sex is my stress reliever. it actually stop my headaches. but i agree with you mark, your statement on the main is how women are. i have a high sex drive. but ive had this since i was young. not something that has changed. i love sex, but it stil has to be be someone that i want to go with.


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## MarkTwain

justean said:


> sex is my stress reliever. it actually stop my headaches.


If I had a wife like you, I would not keep any paracetamol in the house: "Sorry darling, we're out of painkillers again, you'll just have to hop onto my *&^%$"


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## Mr. R

justean said:


> no offence taken Mr R, but then you havent found the right woman. i understand the physical act your implying to and i understand the animal instinct. i passed my biology exam. trust me ive had opportunities chucked my way. but ive got respect for my body and my soul. i like the person i am and the next person i meet wil see how a real woman is. i have slept with 9 men in my life total. trust me its not about quantity, its quality and i have alot of it.


I suppose for me quantity IS quality.  Another male/female difference, I imagine. 

I'm curious about one of your remarks. "I've got respect for my body and my soul." Do you mean to say that a woman who enjoys the physical act and emphasizes that is somehow inferior to a woman who spiritualizes the act? Please don't take my question as an attack; I'm genuinely curious.

And also you said "will see how a real woman is." Is this to imply that a real woman always emotionalizes sex and that one who doesn't is somehow not real? Again, just curious.

Sex is an animal act, no question about it. It's only because humans possess abstract thought that we engage in endless discussions about an act that is perhaps the most fun you can have for free. One of the curses of being on top of the food chain, I suppose. It just confuses the living h*ll out of me why some folks make an essentially biological function into something akin to attending a religious service. 

I almost forgot: Justean, I simply don't believe in the idea of "the right woman" or "the right man". No one person on Earth is completely "right" for any other person. There's never been (and will never be) a relationship where no one in the pairing had to compromise something of themselves. This sort of sentimental silliness has led many people into foolhardy decisions many times. Nonetheless, I wish you the best and hope that you will take my comments in the spirit they were intended: one of confused curiousity.


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## justean

oh mark, you have a way with words, like i said charmer all the way.


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## justean

YOUR QUESTION IS CERTAINLY NOT AN ATTACK. IM SAYING FOR ME PERSONALLY I VALUE WHO I AM . IN MY MIND, I CANT JUST GO OUT AND SLEEP WITH SOMEONE FOR THE ANIMAL INSTINCT. EVEN THOUGH IM AN ANIMAL IN THE BEDROOM. LOL.
PPL HAVE DIFFERENT URGES AND NEEDS AND WANTS. SO NO IM NOT INFERIOR TO ANYONE ELSE. 
YET SOMEONE MIGHT NOT HAVE A CHOICE AND HAVE SEX TO MAKE A LIVING. I DONT AND IM NOT IN THAT POSITION. SO IM LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO CHOOSE WHO I WANT TO BE.

AGAIN PPL ARE DIFFERENT AND EACH TO THEIR OWN. OF COURSE ALL WOMEN ARE REAL. NO DIFFERENT TO YOU. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. I SIMPLY REFER TO MYSELF AS A REAL WOMAN IN REFERENCE TO THE FACT I FEEL I HAVE A BIT OF CLASS. ON A SEX NOTE ,I KNOW HOW TO PLEASE A MAN IN THE BEDROOM. I AM THE FULL PACKAGE. I DONT HAVE THE NEED TO WANT TO SLEEP AROUND. SORRY BUT IM FUSSY.

YOUR ATTITUDE IS THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU. SO WHO CAN REALLY JUDGE YOU. NO ONE. YOU HAVE YOUR BELIEFS AS OTHERS HAVE THEIR OWN. I ENJOYED YOUR CONVERSATION. IT WAS A CHALLENGE. NOW MY CONFUSED CURIOSITY , IM WONDERING NOW IF IM STRAIGHT OR GAY.


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## Mr. R

Straight, Justean. I'm quite straight. :rofl: Amusing though. I suppose I should choose my words more carefully. Touche.


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## justean

actually i was refering to my own sexuality. refering to how you view the world and the animal instinct, i wasnt sure if you'd turned me for good. lots of animals are gay. check out the whiptale lizard (females) and there are several species of dragonflies that are homosexual. anyway you say your straight. what straight forward. yeh i got that bit at the beginning.


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## sisters359

Mr. R said:


> Rest assured, hubbysbaby, that the vast majority of men are thinking of nothing else when they're having sex. Indeed, some of them (and I include myself in this lot), are thinking of nothing at all.


Now, this is a big problem for me, b/c I want him to be thinking about MY pleasure--not just reveling in his own experience. To me, that is a disconnect from me--and the intimacy comes, in part, from caring about one another's pleasure. Of course, each of us is responsible for our own pleasure ultimately, but there is a difference between being "in the moment" and being "thoughtless." I've had so much of the latter that I can barely talk (type) about it without getting angry.

BUT--as for the "emotional connection," in my experience it is not essential to really good sex. I've had some great lovers who were not the greatest of people. Chemistry there must be, but I can have chemistry with someone I barely know, so it is not the same as emotional connection. 

So I'm hoping to find out, at some point in my future, what it's like to have chemistry with someone you really, really just LIKE as a friend, perhaps. I definitely have people like this in my life-being married, I was aware of the chemistry but didn't act on it. Now, who knows? Maybe this will be the difference between really good sex and great sex, friendship and passion united.


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## fairydust

This question so fits me right now.

I stopped having sex with my H because I have no emotional connection. I've told him several times what I need and yet he refuses to help me. 

I needed communication, honesty. I need to feel like he actually cares and by listening and talking honestly I would feel that emotional connection I need for sex to happen.

I compartmentalized issues a number of times but there's only so much I can do. Things finally got out of hand and I truely have no desire for sex unless he's willing to connect with me on the level that I so desire. 

I use to love sex and now I feel absolutely no connection to him right now. He did try and have sex twice this past week but I was like.... do you not get it.. I told him numerous times what I needed.

This has been over many, many months and it was just recently that I stopped the sex. See he would always say we'll talk later, then sex happened and what do you know... we'd never talk so I figure either he talks first or we don't have sex. 

It's just not in me anymore.


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## bhappy3

Well, we made some progress. Thanks guys!! 

Two people actually hit the nail on the head for me to be able to put into words what I'm thinking when I say I need an emotional connection. I think I have a little bit to go to him with. 

I do mean prior to sex, like as foreplay hours before the actual act. 

This has been quite an interesting thread to read all the responses. Thank you everyone! I appreciate the interest! 

I've been married ten years now and we've been together fifteen!!! It takes some work to be interested in someone that long and keep the spark alive!! Sometimes I wonder if we ever have/had any chemistry. But every now and then something jumps out at me and I know we do. Work work work work work though. Hard work to keep things going. But I think it's worth it.


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## blessed1

Emotional connection needed for sex... but what does that mean? Well this is my third time visiting this site and it is indeed very interesting. Emotional connection is like the friend connection. You first have to have a relationship with a person that is not about sex. Get to know the person on a personal level sit up and hold a conversation spend time together and learn each other. Like the best friend you had in childhood you had a relationship with. At that time there was an emotional connection with you and that person that has hung on from then until now. That same connection is powerful in a marriage relationship, that makes the sexual intimacy especially strong and powerful. The electrical sparks fly and the touching is minimal or it can be deep and sensual.
Either way it is powerful and lasting. It goes from the bedroom to every faucet of life that this person shares with you. Remember how genuine that relationship was it did not matter whether you were the same sex or different sexes the connection was just there.
Just imagine how that is in your marriage and there is the emotional connection.


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## dcrim

I did all the "usual" things. I ALWAYS told her I loved her (even while she was cheating on me when I didn't know it). I did everything I could think of, all the time. Sent flowers on occasion, cards (now and again)...went out to dinner...whatever. 

I don't think I her walk all over me (unknowing the cheating). 
I have learned so much from here re the doormat thing. 

I had my life, she had hers, we shared as much together as we could (I loved going to the store for grocery shopping with her). I had the connection...but I guess she did not. Or could subsume it to cover her a$$ets. 

She still married for the money. 

I understand the emotional connection. I want that, too. I won't have sex with someone I don't know, I'm not a ONS kind of person. I want to look into her eyes as we BOTH orgasm together. 

I know for men, sex is the barometer, for women it's the emotions. They are a potential catch-22...but when they do work together, the relationship is good. Once that cycle, or synergy breaks, it's hard to get it back. 

I thought I was providing that. Maybe I was...but the money won out. 

Sorry, didn't mean to sidetrack the thread. Too busy thinking, again.  Not in pain! Just that these posts caused a visceral reaction.


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## wrhaven

It means that I want to feel appreciated and sexy. I do not want to be taken for granted.

The last sentence is a biggie because when you are in a long term relationship, men sometimes think that you don't need foreplay before sex. There goes the emotional connection.


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## dcrim

I NEVER neglected foreplay! I always wanted her warmed up, But I didn't have the the $$$. 

And she always had several rolling (her words), continuous, multiple, orgasms...we WERE good together. But, apprently it was a rebound for her...sigh...

But we're done. The connection IS important! Looking into your SO's eyes during orgasm is SOOO fantistic!! Most can't do that!


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## wantingmore

wrhaven said:


> It means that I want to feel appreciated and sexy. I do not want to be taken for granted.
> 
> The last sentence is a biggie because when you are in a long term relationship, men sometimes think that you don't need foreplay before sex. There goes the emotional connection.



I think that sums it up most for me too. The more discontected I feel the more cuddeling and foreplay it takes to get me in the mood. 
And most of the time if I am not feeling that connection I won't hit the big "o" no matter how hard he or I tries. 
I think that is why most women want that connection first.


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## preso

bhappy3 said:


> I keep telling my husband that I need an emotional connection to want to have sex with him, but it wasn't until I was sitting with girlfriends that I realized that I have no idea what I mean by that!!!
> 
> I know this is something that women want from their man in order for a better connection for sex, but what is it exactly that we want?
> 
> If I can't answer this question to myself, how the heck am I supposed to explain it to him!!?? :scratchhead:
> 
> Input anyone?



It means to be loved and cherished and all that involves... being heard, unsterstood and acdepted for how you are. It means an emotional connection, not just a sex act...
and to warm up to the sex act, not a wham bam thank you mam kinda thing...
which is ok with most guys....
women need more substance...

men are like microwaves, woman are like slow cookers.

good gosh, look at my spelling ! lol.. what a mess...


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## hubbys baby

Mr. R said:


> An interesting point of view, coming from a woman. It's been my experience that it's women who often have trouble "getting out of their heads and into bed" as I once heard it put on TV. Some men (driven, career and promotion oriented sorts who think of nothing else) can, I suppose, become lost in the constant gaming of their standing in their place of work.
> 
> Rest assured, hubbysbaby, that the vast majority of men are thinking of nothing else when they're having sex. Indeed, some of them (and I include myself in this lot), are thinking of nothing at all.


My husband sometimes asks me why its easier for me to get stuff out of my head, especially when we are really stressed about stuff, and I think its because I know that the our time is short in the big ol world, and I just want to enjoy every minute i can with my husband whom i have so much love for.

Well, it does reassure me that he is thinking of nothing else when having sex...


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## SFladybug

Still thinking about this question. Not so sure I am satisfied with the answers I have for me. I need the connection BEFORE the idea or topic of sex comes up. Foreplay is what I do and allow, after I feel a connection. Yesterday was a great example of a day that just did not click. We spent a lot of time together, but most of the day it felt like my attempts to connect at a deeper emotional level were not matched. Maybe he was worried about something or just not getting the fact that when I asked him what he was thinking about, I was hoping for more than the surface answer I got. I was feeling a lot of deep emotions that were difficult to voice. I would try a couple of different type of questions, but got nowhere. Then, he sensed my frustration but when I told him it was because we weren't on the same page, it did not trigger in him an "Oh No" or any kind of reaction. Then much later just before bed, he made a half way overture for sex. I said 'Not happening tonight" and I meant it. No way, no how. IF he had stopped a minute to ask me how I felt, I might have shared. But without that encouragement, I did not share.


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## Deejo

Here is my piece:

Feeling connected is subjective. The goalposts can, and will change all of the time. Placing the responsibility to feel ‘in the mood’ upon your partner, whether you are a man or a woman is equally subjective, and I would argue is also going to sabotage your sexual relationship. Taking responsibility for how _you_ feel about, and perceive sex is what ultimately makes the difference in the relationship with your partner.

Either a man or a woman is capable of viewing a sexual encounter as a positive, enjoyable, opportunity to give, and receive pleasure, while feeling safe, and strengthening the emotional bond of your relationship. When both partners put a priority either upon their own sexual fulfillment, or the fulfillment of their partner, odds are you are in pretty good shape. 

Conversely, the moment one partner feels that sex is a demand, obligation, requirement, chore, or focuses on what they have to give up – instead of what they stand to gain, then you have an issue. And without a change in communication, perception, and approach, the issue is only going to grow. You don’t have to look very far on this forum to find ample evidence of that.

There is a damn good reason why most relationships go through an intense sexual phase – because it _strengthens_ the relationship. People can make all of the arguments they choose about sex not being a big deal, or placing too much emphasis on sex, or talk about having a deeper and more meaningful bond than just sex. I understand that. But somewhere along the line, sex acted as the bridge to carry you to the bond that no longer places emphasis on a physical relationship. The other option, is that someone will de-emphasize the relevance of sex because they are already in a sexually dysfunctional relationship, and denial is a powerful tool.

The barriers are painfully easy to put up. And I am not dismissing that there are legitimate reasons for not having a strong sexual identity or desiring sex. Physical issues, and abusive, or grossly neglectful partners aside, the track that many relationships seem to follow is pretty common.

There are a couple of threads floating around about the books that came out about the couples that decided to have sex every day for a year. I’ll edit in the links later if I can find them.

*Edit* Here is one of them: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/1432-nytimes-article-sex-every-day.html

Overall, I believe that the best approach can be to evaluate the perception of sex that both partners have, instead of putting emphasis on ‘I need to feel connected’, or, I need a,b, and c to happen. Following this approach automatically puts you into a chicken and egg scenario.

There are a number of couples that participate on the forums that have robust sex lives. Does anyone think for a moment that sex three or more times a week is a spontaneous event in a long term relationship? Odds are, the dynamic of their sexual relationship has been discussed between them at length, is ongoing, and the terms of the relationship are understood by both parties. 

Try to keep the following analogies in perspective – I am not saying that sex is a job, but I am saying we would be serving our relationships better if we viewed sex as a responsibility for our welfare.

Do you go to work even if you aren’t in the mood? You do – because there are direct consequences to your way of life if you don’t. Earning a paycheck along with some sense of accomplishment or self-worth are some of the benefits you receive by going to work. If you didn’t get the paycheck, why the hell would you even think about working?

How about exercise? I don’t go to the gym four times a week because I love it. I love the benefits I get from going to the gym four times a week. I have more energy. I lose weight. I feel better about myself. I maintain my god-like physique …
The upside to my life and overall welfare far outweigh the four hours a week I invest in myself. Therefore, I feel pretty good about going to the gym.

This is the kind of perception about sex that I think we stand to gain from. You do it because you recognize that you benefit from it – whether you feel like it or not.

There are plenty of times that I don’t want to go to the gym – because there is other stuff that needs to get done. That will always be the case. There will always be other stuff. But once I’ve dragged myself there and done my workout – I feel better about the choice and myself. 

Although, I do acknowledge that most people completely understand that exercise is good for them – but choose to ignore it anyway.

So, SFladybug buried in this wall of text is my point that if you can come to terms with how you feel about sex personally, and relate it’s importance in your relationship, it becomes less about handing your husband a roadmap that if he follows correctly, may, or may not result in sexual feelings, and more like the two of you using a GPS together, so that you both know where you are, where you’re going, and have the opportunity to discuss detours together.

The one word that could take the place of the last 500, is of course: communicate. I include sex as a form of communication.

Wow, did I drink a lot of coffee today.


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## SFladybug

Deejo said:


> Here is my piece:
> 
> So, SFladybug buried in this wall of text is my point that if you can come to terms with how you feel about sex personally, and relate it’s importance in your relationship, it becomes less about handing your husband a roadmap that if he follows correctly, may, or may not result in sexual feelings, and more like the two of you using a GPS together, so that you both know where you are, where you’re going, and have the opportunity to discuss detours together.
> 
> .


O..k. so I like the idea of your analogy of GPS together. But, I read the article you mentioned and to me the physical side of sex is overplayed while the need to make an effort to be emotionally available is where I need to go. Possibly making a better effort at trying to find more "same page" moments would build up a better reserve of good feelings for me personally about sex with my husband. I still don't want it to seem like brushing my teeth just because I have to. So, thanks for your thoughts. Will see how to improve my own helping of emotional connection points.


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## Deejo

I agree with you. Overall I think an ideal is to have a sexual relationship, but that doesn't necessarily always have to mean sex.

What I took away from the article is that the only way you could conceivably make sex a possibility on a daily basis is by _actively cultivating the other aspects of your relationship_. 

I don't want rote sex either. Ok, that may not necessarily be true in my current situation, but for me, it's also about the connection.


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## preso

Not everyone male or female needs an emotional connection for sex, that is a myth. Plenty of strangers, who don't even know each other have sex daily.
I'd say the vast majority of people ( either sex) do not have to have an emotional connection to have sex.


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## hwhack

bhappy3 said:


> I keep telling my husband that I need an emotional connection to want to have sex with him, but it wasn't until I was sitting with girlfriends that I realized that I have no idea what I mean by that!!!
> 
> I know this is something that women want from their man in order for a better connection for sex, but what is it exactly that we want?
> 
> If I can't answer this question to myself, how the heck am I supposed to explain it to him!!?? :scratchhead:
> 
> Input anyone?


When I read this, I first laughed, and then wanted to cry. My wife asked the same thing, denied me sex, and now we are seperated after 23 years and two now adult sons. My last 4 years with her were hell. Partially, I've been told, are her mood swings from menstrual at hitting 50 years old. A site tells woman when they reach here to decide what their feelings are an act upon them, and they assume they will be rational when women decide it is their husbands that are at fault for their misery.
As you can tell, I am miserable. Feel lonely and abandoned.


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## hwhack

hubbys baby said:


> My husband sometimes asks me why its easier for me to get stuff out of my head, especially when we are really stressed about stuff, and I think its because I know that the our time is short in the big ol world, and I just want to enjoy every minute i can with my husband whom i have so much love for.
> 
> Well, it does reassure me that he is thinking of nothing else when having sex...


I think men have many more responsibilities on their shoulder then women and that is why women can much more easily get stuff off of their heads.
Example: Wife stressed about all her chores, like house, cooking and kids. I told her to go out and air out. She left for about 6 hours. When she came back, the kids were cleaned and diapered, dinner ready and house spotless. She was shocked.
Now for me: I deal with spoiled brats at work, the demands of the job, bills, traffic, the spouse wanting special treatment, the kids, yard work, special tasks the wife has created for me around the house. When it comes to romance, intimacy, there isn't anytime left but a quicky. If all my wife wanted to get into the mood was cuddling and foreplay, I'd be thrilled.
This confusion between partners; the seperate agendas each has, is what causes failures of relationships/marriages.


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## hwhack

Sandy55 said:


> The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
> If he is faithful and trustworthy,
> If he can make me laugh,
> He smells good and is clean,
> Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not _jerks_),
> Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
> Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "[email protected]@bs" and "p+ssy".
> Knows where my nerve endings are


I sure would like to hook up with you sometime in the near future. :smthumbup:


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## Nekko

'On the other hand, she avoids me entirely when she's on about something. I simply do not understand why denying yourself the physical pleasure of sex is considered a normal response to anger for women.' 
Because some women live by the 'i'm giving him sex' mentality. So if they are angry with you, they avoid being nice (and they think giving you sex is being nice to you)...someone wrote a pots about this...how she was annoyed and lost attraction to her husband. 

'Men use sex as a stress buster. Women won't have sex if they're stressed. Of course I'm generalising, but in the main, this is how it goes.'
I dunno if other women feel the same way or if this helps anyone, but i don't really get arroused/in the mood when highly stressed, and have a hard time reaching orgasm because my head is simply somewhere else.


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## MEM2020

EXACTLY 100 PERCENT HOW MY WIFE SEES IT. If she tried to turn it into something requires all the time/effort and patience of a moon launch she would be my very good friend who is also my ex wife. 




Sandy55 said:


> The only emotional "connection(s)" I need are:
> If he is faithful and trustworthy,
> If he can make me laugh,
> He smells good and is clean,
> Isn't a jerk (generally, faithful and trustworthy are not _jerks_),
> Isn't full of his own self aka "a jerk"
> Is over his childhood fantasy of women are only "[email protected]@bs" and "p+ssy".
> Knows where my nerve endings are


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## GetTough

SFladybug said:


> Still thinking about this question. Not so sure I am satisfied with the answers I have for me. I need the connection BEFORE the idea or topic of sex comes up. Foreplay is what I do and allow, after I feel a connection. Yesterday was a great example of a day that just did not click. We spent a lot of time together, but most of the day it felt like my attempts to connect at a deeper emotional level were not matched. Maybe he was worried about something or just not getting the fact that when I asked him what he was thinking about, I was hoping for more than the surface answer I got. I was feeling a lot of deep emotions that were difficult to voice. I would try a couple of different type of questions, but got nowhere. Then, he sensed my frustration but when I told him it was because we weren't on the same page, it did not trigger in him an "Oh No" or any kind of reaction. Then much later just before bed, he made a half way overture for sex. I said 'Not happening tonight" and I meant it. No way, no how. IF he had stopped a minute to ask me how I felt, I might have shared. But without that encouragement, I did not share.


You have to volunteer your feelings in order for your feelings to be understood. You have to find your voice. And you have to protest very loudly if you are not heard - to the point of declaring a crisis if necessary.


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## GetTough

fairydust said:


> This question so fits me right now.
> 
> I stopped having sex with my H because I have no emotional connection. I've told him several times what I need and yet he refuses to help me.
> 
> I needed communication, honesty. I need to feel like he actually cares and by listening and talking honestly I would feel that emotional connection I need for sex to happen.
> 
> I compartmentalized issues a number of times but there's only so much I can do. Things finally got out of hand and I truely have no desire for sex unless he's willing to connect with me on the level that I so desire.
> 
> I use to love sex and now I feel absolutely no connection to him right now. He did try and have sex twice this past week but I was like.... do you not get it.. I told him numerous times what I needed.
> 
> This has been over many, many months and it was just recently that I stopped the sex. See he would always say we'll talk later, then sex happened and what do you know... we'd never talk so I figure either he talks first or we don't have sex.
> 
> It's just not in me anymore.


You need to tell your husband that your marriage is in crisis and that you need counseling. And if you're not protesting this loudly, you should be. Guys don't get it until you whack them over the head with it, believe me.


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## greeneyeddolphin

To me, when I say I want that emotional connection, it means that I want the....intimacy that comes from a relationship. Like I could just have sex with any old person that I think is cute/hot, but I want to make love, with someone who knows me at my best and worst and everywhere in between and still wants me, someone who is there for me when I need to cry and there for me when we're laughing, someone who helps me raise my children, build a life, take care of a home and family and bills and everything else that goes along with being together for more than just sex. That's what *I* mean by an emotional connection.


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## OwlJulie

I think men have to be clear on what an emotional connection really is. It seems that the men on this forum are not clear on it. Connection is the REAL marriage, as opposed to physical. What I mean is, if you don't have the emotional connection before you have sex, it is like you are just 'doing it' with the man off the street. That is why women need an emotional connection. To women, they could just go get anyone off the street and have sex, but that is not what they got married for. They got married for the connection. So, to a woman, if a man expects sex without emotional connection, they are expecting sex for free; that is, like with a *****. The man who suggested that sex is healthy and that if his wife would not give it to him, then his wife is causing him to be unhealthy, is unbelievable. Woman is not a plaything for your body's health. Women have to make sure that a man is not using them for their "health needs", because of the same 'sentiment' that this man expressed. It is such a prevalent attitude that men think they need sex for health, that women are looking out for such an attitude to appear in their man. Such a person will prey on his victim. A woman's emotional dignity was not built to handle being used for a man's bodily health. Sex is for love, not for sperm release!


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## mentallydrained

Is very good question and one I'm sure many of us have had one time or another. It seems these days, many people, male and female, are fine having sex, with one another as 'friends'. No emotional connect. I've been told before "I value a$$ too much"? What??? Why? Because I was never, or am, permiscuous? Or wouldn't sleep with someone to just 'feel good' get off? Can do that on my own if that's that's needed. 

I need to know there is feelings there for me. Like most have said 'be in the moment', really desire me and make me feel like you want to share this ultimate experience with me and me only. And...for me, the emotional connection is validated, how I'm treated after as well. It's not just about the sex. You feel the emotional connection for much longer than time frame of sex. 

If H is non stop busy all day, you both work, and after work you really don't get any time together but when your ready to pass out becuase you have to get up early and that is the time he starts his friskyness, groping, or what ever, I too cannot get into it. I don't know, wierd and very very hard to explain. Everyone is wired differently in that aspect. 

I know someone who feels nothing wrong with just having a piece of a$$. No guilt not feeligns involved, said it's the best kind. Not meaning one nite stands, but with someone he feels is a good friend. Know several like that. Just good friends who enjoy getting laid once in while, not emotional connections or ties. I just could not be that way. Guess old school. Want it to be a bond for me. Want to be respected after. Ya, quickies or a moment of 'lets just be rabbit' :rofl: it nice once inwhile but not if I cant have the other moments, more than not, of really being into each other, feeling the chemistry, the emotions that make it a bonding and sensual experience.

Guess I make no sense and can't explain either! Just rambles! Sorry.


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## mentallydrained

OwlJulie said:


> The man who suggested that sex is healthy and that if his wife would not give it to him, then his wife is causing him to be unhealthy, is unbelievable. Woman is not a plaything for your body's health. Women have to make sure that a man is not using them for their "health needs", because of the same 'sentiment' that this man expressed. It is such a prevalent attitude that men think they need sex for health, that women are looking out for such an attitude to appear in their man. Such a person will prey on his victim. A woman's emotional dignity was not built to handle being used for a man's bodily health. Sex is for love, not for sperm release!


:iagree: Women's emotional dignity! That sums it up. And your right, some men try to 'fake' emotional connection that you do end up feeling likethe victim to there 'health needs'. Eventually, the woman just decides to not do it at all. It's true feeling, emotion, CONNECTION! Just something different between male and female.


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## mentallydrained

:smthumbup:


atruckersgirl said:


> To me, when I say I want that emotional connection, it means that I want the....intimacy that comes from a relationship. Like I could just have sex with any old person that I think is cute/hot, but I want to make love, with someone who knows me at my best and worst and everywhere in between and still wants me, someone who is there for me when I need to cry and there for me when we're laughing, someone who helps me raise my children, build a life, take care of a home and family and bills and everything else that goes along with being together for more than just sex. That's what *I* mean by an emotional connection.


:smthumbup::iagree:


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## mentallydrained

bradt said:


> You need to tell your husband that your marriage is in crisis and that you need counseling. And if you're not protesting this loudly, you should be. Guys don't get it until you whack them over the head with it, believe me.


TRUE! H and I same boat. His need is physical, mine emotional. Went to couseling. Long story, don't go now but still same issue. What makes me is my deep emotional connections I desire. Guess that is like sex for me the way physical sex is for my H. We can have sex, but even H truly knows difference. H even said once, when we are together, I can tell it's not like use to be. Your not 'into it' emotionally. Tell me men can tell when the women is emotionlly connected as well. But, they also can deal with just getting laid and feeling good better than some women. Just my personal opinion.


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