# Dealing with my husbands EA



## cupcake2015 (Jan 24, 2018)

First a little back story, we've been together 8 years since age 17. Married 5 yrs. we went through a mutual separation in 2016 but reconciled. Everything has been great since then. 
one. the mess 

On Christmas day I found out about my husbands affair with a 19 yr old girl from his work. I was using his ipad and the texts were linked to his iPhone and popped up. I read everything and I was horrified. We were both home and I lost my mind screaming and throwing things telling him to get out etc. The texts were awful. They've been texting for months and he had convinced her he was leaving me for her as soon as Christmas was over. Once I found out and lost it. he started crying and telling me it was all lies he was lying to her and couldn't stop but he loved me and wanted me. Once I calmed down he told me the entire store from start to finish. They only texted, went to the gym once together and kissed one time. I know they didn't have sex bc in the texts he made a comment about them just being friends and she asked he kissed all his friends. The entire convo was literally like 2 high schoolers. Talking about how she was impatient waiting for him to leave me etc. He made a few comments about them showing to gather or cuddling on the couch together etc and she totally blew it all off. We talked and I agreed to work things out but he had to end it with her. He did the very next day in person. I now have access to everything and he checks in comes home on time etc but he always did. He was never late or anything even while the affair was going on. But he was so good at lying and hiding it that I don't know how to trust nothing is going on. Sadly he can't change jobs so they still work together. He comes home and tells me everything they talk about it and its only work related. I truly believe he is sorry but I am dealing with so much and am so hurt by this. we don't have the finances for counseling as of now but maybe later. So for now we're just dealing with it on our own. This was the first time anything like this ever happened and I know he is so sad he hurt me but I don't think he fully understands what I'm going through. I outed him to his parents and brother so they know what happened. I have no one to turn to about this bc honestly I don't want anyone knowing, including my own family. I feel like complete trash but want to fix my marriage. we have good nows and he is doing so much to make it better but the affair follows me everywhere. Any advice helps. Today is he upset at me bc I checked his schedule to see when they work together. He wants me to just trust him again and not worry but that's crazy to ask! He said he did it bc he felt sorry for her and her life issues and he liked the attention but at the same time he said he didn't know why he couldn't stop... I knew they were friends and had no problem with it, which is another reason I feel so betrayed

Thanks! Sorry if my story and grammar is all over the place.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

He cannot ask you to just trust him. That is crazy.

There is no possibility you can do that. It cannot happen.

He has no clue what he has done to you, that is certain.

Stay strong. Do not let him crush you with his lies. Do not let him push you around with his utter nonsense. He is lying to you. He is gaslighting you to try to make you feel bad. Don't fall for it.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't kid yourself. This is a full-blown affair. He told her that he is leaving you for her, after Christmas. How old are you and how old is he? I believe that he is spinning you his version of a story. Sorry you are here.


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## cupcake2015 (Jan 24, 2018)

We’re both 25. I do believe it was a full blown affair but I don’t believe it went further than texts and a few phone calls and the one meet up only bc we work the same thing so I knew where he was.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Why can't he leave his job? Do you have a job of your own? Do you have any children? What is your reason for keeping his affair a secret from your family, but told his family? You cannot trust him. You have the right to check his schedule. He should leave this job and find another. 

I believe that this affair will continue if he does not leave the proximity. His mistress is willing to hang around until he leaves you. This affair will go underground. He will continue to lie to you. His justification for cheating is to gaslight you. You need to lay down consequences and follow through.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The best advice anyone will tell you is to leave him. You are SO YOUNG! You don't have kids, you can have the life and the dream of having a faithful spouse still. Just not with this man. Your life is just beginning. He has showed you his character that doesn't change most times. Even if it does you now have a forever damaged marriage. 

I know it feels like you can't get over this but you will. You can have better then you did with him. I know I was your age when I left, and my life was better for it. At the time I would never believe it, but I was wrong then. 

I have been reading these thread for about a year and a half now. I have read thousands. In all my reading there is nothing that has ever shown me that staying with a cheater was worth it. Sometimes people stay for the kids or financial reasons. I get it. But even the ones who say they are happy don't really sound happy. They sound like they are working very hard to BE happy. A lot harder then they would have if they had moved on. Most of those who stayed just didn't have the ability to leave. You are 25 and life is all ahead of you, you can, you must. 

Adulterers are basically bad at relationships. They make lousy spouses. Even the ones who are trying to be better have lifetimes of work. They struggle with very basic things like honesty and empathy. Things that are needed to make a good marriage. 

It's just now worth it. You are 25 that means you are just at the starting line. I could point to thread after thread where the person was cheated on early in their marriage the spouse promised that they would never do it again and then 5,10,20 years later they did it again. Except this time there are kids and mortgages and the pain of separating is much worse. They cheat because it's in their nature. There are is a multitude of people that their nature is to be faithful too. 

People will come on here and tell you that it's possible. They will say they did it. But ask them if they were 25 with no kids and a lifetime ahead of them would they have chosen to stay and even some of them will say no. Oh, and the ones that say yes that will be about 2 of them, and 100 more will tell you to move on. 

I know you don't want to hear this, but again this is the best advice you are going to get. If you stay you will read this post 10 years later and know that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

cupcake2015 said:


> They've been texting for months and he had convinced her he was leaving me for her as soon as Christmas was over.
> 
> He said he did it bc he felt sorry for her and her life issues and he liked the attention ...


^^THIS.^^

Can you see this for what it is? He actually told this woman he was going to leave you. And then he has the NERVE to tell you he said these things to her out of pity/feeling sorry for her?

Yeah, right ... Just so he could get attention from her and she was Poor Pitiful Pearl, he told her he would abandon his marriage - WTF?????

I don't know how you can stand to look at your husband. I remember being 25. Even at that age, I never, ever would tolerate this crap. You deserve a million times better than this cretin. Seriously.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you want to stay, the minimum he must do is leave his job so he has to start looking for another job now. How can you possibly trust him if they are together all day? Secondly he must do all he can to rebuild the trust such as being completely open with his phone, life etc. It may take years for the trust to be rebuilt especially as he didn't tell you, you found out for yourself. Thirdly how about you both go to MC?
The fact that he has already cheated and said he was going to leave you so soon isn't a good sign.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is incredibly immature and not ready for marriage.

Don't cling to a man who lies to everyone when it suits him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's very rare when a 17 year old BOY can commit to anyone for *life*.

He was a boy when you two started, and here he is at 25, doing pretty much what most young men do - wanting to experience dating and romancing different women.

This isn't your fault. You two just committed WAY too young and he never sewed his wild oats. What's a therapist going to do to 'cure' him? Give him salt-peter? They can't control biology so don't waste your money.

There *will *be others and I honestly believe she wasn't his first.

If these two truly didn't have sex, it wasn't because he didn't try. You could plainly see he was trying to open that door with her, talking about them taking showers together or cuddling on the couch. The only reason this didn't get physical is because she blew him off every time he tried his childish, amateur lines on her. If you think for one minute he had *anything* to do with it not being physical, that would be extremely naive.

And secondly, this is the 'first time' he's done this that you *KNOW *of. If it weren't for pure dumb luck with his iPad being synced to his iPhone which exposed his messages to you, you would have *never* known about this affair. He'd been carrying on with her for awhile and you had no clue at all. That means he had absolutely no problem at all lying to your face every single day while he secretly plotted with her to leave you (whether he meant it or not is not the point). The point I'm making is, if he's *that *comfortable lying to you on a daily basis without so much as batting an eye, then he's a very skilled liar and you really *don't *know for sure what else he's done that he's also lied to you about.

We rarely catch cheaters the first time they're up to no good. You were lucky this time because technology exposed him. I'm willing to bet with a bunch of digging, you'll discover this was NOT his first rodeo.

Lastly, he's a skilled liar. Surely you don't _believe_ the fairy tale he's been feeding you every day about these these two no longer having ANY contact at all other than their "work related" conversations? The chances of that steaming pile of crap being true are about zero. You need to be realistic here. You don't go from proclaiming your undying love to each other and planning your 'future' together to acting like disinterested professional co-workers. Not happening.

Start digging through credit card bills, internet history, social media activity and contacts, your billing details for your cell phones, etc. etc. I'm pretty positive you're going to find past suspicious activity you weren't aware of before.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's very rare when a 17 year old BOY can commit to anyone for *life*.
> 
> He was a boy when you two started, and here he is at 25, doing pretty much what most young men do - wanting to experience dating and romancing different women.
> 
> ...


Well he didn't actually commit till 20, and that was vey normal not long ago.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

cupcake2015 said:


> We’re both 25. I do believe it was a full blown affair but I don’t believe it went further than texts and a few phone calls and the one meet up only bc we work the same thing so I knew where he was.


It looks like you are making some of the mistakes I was early on, the first calling it an EA. Even if there was just a kiss, it's a PA and most likely more than we know.

I agree with the advice that the cause of this may be a 'boy' that committed to early and is still acting like a boy. That's no excuse but that may be part of the reason. Because you guys are so young, even though you have a lot of time invested in this, I would start making the hard choices NOW. Sit down and talk about if you both really want to be in the marriage and if he seems genuine that he does, that's the first step and the next step is him actually committing to it. You gauge the progress and success with boundaries. You must come up with your list of those boundaries and deal breakers, let them be known to him clearly and the consequences of if they are not followed and go from there.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

You're young.

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some)
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. You life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) (This step is for fathers - but the principle that you no longer trust applies to you as well) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark. 
14) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM/OW, I hope he/she makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The worst thing you can do, in my opinion, is begin to think that somehow you are even the tiniest bit at fault for your spouse choosing to have an affair. You are not.

If he had not had an affair and instead had just filed for divorce you might accept some fault.

But there is no chance anyone is at fault for an affair except the two cheaters skulking off destroying their relationships. Only your husband is to blame. Toss some blame on the disgusting Other Woman. But there is none for you.

Absolutely in no way are you to blame in even the tiniest bit for this. 

If you start to think maybe there’s some particle of blame for you it’s the product of being gaslighted by your husband. It is lies! He is to blame.

An affair is all on the one who had the affair.

My wife had an affair in 1978.

Someone pointed out just a little while ago a reason my wife may have done it which I had never thought of. I think she’s right about my wife. That fact doesn’t change the fact it was my wife who had the affair and it was completely her fault.

We had problems, and as it turned out I wasn’t even aware of most of them. But those don’t make her affair my fault.

And my wife’s affair was a one day stand which she immediately confessed. The hurt from discovering ongoing lies about such a thing I know must be tremendous. 

Be strong. Don’t believe his lies.

You are not at fault.


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## cupcake2015 (Jan 24, 2018)

They only work together 2-4 times a week. Also they are never alone at work, always someone with them. I know how extremely F'd up this is. I do feel like it has to do with us committing at such a young age. But he does show genuine remorse and is doing everything in his power to make me feel happy again. Also they never talked about loving each other. Only "liking" and in the texts I read they spoke many times about how they're just friends, I guess to make them both feel better. I know my husband is to blame and I am not at fault, I don't even blame the other girl. I feel bad she was also lied too. I am assuming my husband told her once he left me they could be more than friends, however that doesn't make it right! It's such BS he was talking about leaving me. I told him right away if he wanted to go when I found out that his chance was now. He chose to stay and that's why I am willing to give him another chance. I have full access to his phone, computer, etc so the transparency is there. He can't leave his job bc its proving too many benefits for us right now, we both agreed for him to stay there. 

Thanks for all the advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

An EA with a co-worker is a PA; if he’s telling you otherwise, he’s lying.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cupcake2015 said:


> They only work together 2-4 times a week. Also they are never alone at work, always someone with them. I know how extremely F'd up this is. I do feel like it has to do with us committing at such a young age. But he does show genuine remorse and is doing everything in his power to make me feel happy again. Also they never talked about loving each other. Only "liking" and in the texts I read they spoke many times about how they're just friends, I guess to make them both feel better. I know my husband is to blame and I am not at fault, I don't even blame the other girl. I feel bad she was also lied too. I am assuming my husband told her once he left me they could be more than friends, however that doesn't make it right! It's such BS he was talking about leaving me. I told him right away if he wanted to go when I found out that his chance was now. He chose to stay and that's why I am willing to give him another chance. I have full access to his phone, computer, etc so the transparency is there. He can't leave his job bc its proving too many benefits for us right now, we both agreed for him to stay there.
> 
> Thanks for all the advice.


If he has benefits there then he can get another job with similar benefits. By not expecting him to leave, you're not showing him that what he did has consequences. Finding a new job would be the first thing I would expect if it were me. You say they are never alone, how about lunch times or coffee breaks? Before or after work?


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