# What do I do?



## Cwest (Nov 9, 2020)

I am 52 years old. My wife of 5 years is 47. This is the second marriage for us both. 
Just a short history on our relationship....
When my wife and I met, she was in the process of a breakup. I was dating. I know it is wrong, but I was dating 2 women at the same time. (I had gotten out of a 13 year marriage that was a living hell and got hooked on dating sites) 
While dating the 2 other women, the woman soon to become my wife, became the 3rd. She lived in a house near me in our neighborhood and perused me even though she knew I was dating other women. She found out who the other women were and basically ran them off... So it was just she and I. We dated for 2 years, and even though I swore I would never get married again, I ended up doing so. I know I loved her and still do, but I feel I was coerced into the marriage. I have always been easily manipulated I guess. I was a victim of it in my previous marriage. 
After we were married, she and her children moved in with me. My kids loved her. Her kids loved me. When didn't go alot of places. Were and still are kind of homebodies. 
A lot of problems arose shortly after. 
For one, an old girlfriend that I was dating before my wife and I got married started communicating with me. I returned the communication through text messages. Nothing else. My wife found the messages on my phone and threatened divorce. I admitted I was wrong and apologized. I stopped the communication, gave my wife the womans phone # because she did not believe I would end it. She contacted the woman and it was over. Since then I have given my wife access to my phone, which she checks all the time to this day. I asked her at the time if she wanted a divorce and she said no. This was 4 years ago. She still brings it up to this day. I am accused of adult every day. I agreed to have a tracking app, Life 360 installed on my phone so she can track me and I am still accused. 
Since my mistake, she has been tracked to a hotel for 5 hours. She told me it was a business meeting. I knew she had a meeting prior because she told me but she wouldn't tell me where or when. I thought that kind of odd. She is a nurse and has to go on "home visits" during the day. I have asked her about it and gotten cussed out. Told that I should not be the one questioning her. She should be questioning me. And I still get accused. All I do is go to work and come home. Nothing more. I live 5 mins away from where I work. 
Her children now have no respect for me for some reason. I asked if she told the about what happened 4 years ago and she said no. She says it's their age. They are 22, 18, and 17. The 18 and 17 year old are at our house most of the time. The 22 year old is out and on his own. 
2 weeks ago, out of nowhere, my wife tells me she isn't happy anymore. That all I want to do is sit at home. She wants to go places. So I offer. She says no. 
Our sex life used to be amazing. Now it is almost non existent. This happened in a 3 month period. I have tried to speak to her about that and I am told " is that all think you think about?"
This past weekend I asked her what can I do to make you happy? Her response was " I want us to sell this house" (the house I have owned for 23 years and had to pay my ex wife for in our divorce). She then tells me that she wants to move her her mother. We currently live near my parents, but they are never home, they are always vacationing since they are retired and have been for years. There is so much more to the story. She tells me I am miserable all the time, when I am actually tired. I work 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. In reality, she is the one that acts miserable. Complains all the time until her children show up to stay and she is fine. Until they leave. 
She also talks negatively about my family. My kids and my parents to me all time. 
I hope my post makes sense. I typed it on a cell phone.
I just need advise on whether to fight for the marriage or leave? There is probably more that I forgot but I can't thing of everything.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am afraid that there is only one cheater in the family and she wanted to make sure you were not it, because i think she is. I seriously reconsider this relationship before you are stuck with her mom as well


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Run far and fast! You owned the home before her. Hopefully, you didn't add her name to the mortgage or title. You don't owe her a thing!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Try this: Tell her you're not happy and you're thinking about marriage counseling or divorce. See what she says to that. I bet she changes her tune. When a person realizes they have something to lose, then they start trying work it out and fix it. They change their attitude and try to become the spouse they should have been all the long. If she doesn't bother, then you will know it's time to end the marriage.

You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage, but you need to learn you don't just give up. You don't just smolder in your unhappiness complaining about your wife complaining about you. You have to do something about the unhappiness. Try to save the marriage first and if that doesn't work, then you can legitimately end it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I think she has been the one cheating here. Do not sell your house. If you make that mistake put the money in an acct only you have access to. If you pay on another house make sure there are records of your money from your house sale. So when it comes to divorce, and it will....you can at least get your money back.


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## Cwest (Nov 9, 2020)

StarFires said:


> Try this: Tell her you're not happy and you're thinking about marriage counseling or divorce. See what she says to that. I bet she changes her tune. When a person realizes they have something to lose, then they start trying work it out and fix it. They change their attitude and try to become the spouse they should have been all the long. If she doesn't bother, then you will know it's time to end the marriage.
> 
> You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage, but you need to learn you don't just give up. You don't just smolder in your unhappiness complaining about your wife complaining about you. You have to do something about the unhappiness. Try to save the marriage first and if that doesn't work, then you can legitimately end it.


I have done this. She laughs and tells me to leave. 
I do believe that is all talk though. I think she would regret saying that if I left. I am really thinking that she thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. She complains about us not going anywhere. Doing anything. When I met her, I was working out everyday. My only hobby. Body building. I had confidence in myself. I stopped because she wanted me to. The reason I'm saying this is because she likes controlling someone. I think she thinks she can do the same to anyone. But if we part, she will see she can't. I am a person who takes a lot for as long as I can, but once I've had enough, I'm done with it. I think I've had enough.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if neither of you were rin anyway ready to be in a committed relationship. Her going through a break up and forcing the other women out of your life. You dating 3 women and resuming contact with one of them after you married. Allowing yourself to be 'forced' into marriage.
Her telling you to leave is wrong. If the house was yours before you met and is still in your name then she needs to be the one to leave. It would be a massive mistake if you left.


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## Cwest (Nov 9, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> i am afraid that there is only one cheater in the family and she wanted to make sure you were not it, because i think she is. I seriously reconsider this relationship before you are stuck with her mom as well


I have been thinking the same thing. I continously get told by my parents and co workers that " the one accusing all the time is usually the one that doing bad". 
I've told her that if there is no trust. There shouldn't be marriage. I have never gone through her phone. Not once. But she goes through mine all the time. My personal and work phone. If put a passcode on it, an arguement happens. She says I m hiding something. I had an old laptop that had pictures of my kids when they were younger. It still worked. I just never used it. She charged it and found old old emails from years ago between me and an old girlfriend from years before I met my wife. No one she knew. I told her I just never deleted emails but I would do it to make her happy. When I looked for the laptop. She told me she threw it away. Now I don't have those memories of my kids anymore. 
She says I need counseling and help. I think she is the one that has problems.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Cwest said:


> I have done this. She laughs and tells me to leave.
> I do believe that is all talk though. I think she would regret saying that if I left. I am really thinking that she thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. She complains about us not going anywhere. Doing anything. When I met her, I was working out everyday. My only hobby. Body building. I had confidence in myself. I stopped because she wanted me to. The reason I'm saying this is because she likes controlling someone. I think she thinks she can do the same to anyone. But if we part, she will see she can't. I am a person who takes a lot for as long as I can, but once I've had enough, I'm done with it. I think I've had enough.


Actually, I think she responded the way she should respond to that. It's a veiled threat, and nobody should be manipulated and controlled by threats. It's just that some people don't know who they are. Some people are desperate, so they fall for things like that and then fall all over themselves to prove they can change. I thought it would be worth a try to see if she fell for it. But she didn't, so good for her.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I'm going to tell you something that it doesn't seem like you have internalized as the fundamental truth it is: You are in control of your own life, and the life you have is the result of _choices_ that you have made. 

So, please, stop with the claims that you were coerced into marriage. You're claiming victim status that you don't have in this marriage - an apparently see yourself as having been a victim in your last marriage, as well. What really happened here is that you chose the path of least resistance and don't like where it ended up. Then you chose to go outside the marriage to chat up another woman and don't like the consequences of that choice. But the real problem is, that instead of realizing your mistakes, you're _choosing_ to continue to pretend you've been a victim. You haven't been. Through your own lack of integrity and lack of ownership of your life, you've been a _volunteer_. 

Divorce your controlling, possibly unfaithful, wife. But also recognize that you've been unfaithful too, and that's on you. Don't sell your house. Get the best settlement you can in the divorce. She's an overall not-great person - that you _chose_ - so don't expect the divorce to be easy and uncontentious. Do it anyway. Or don't. But realize that either option is a _choice_ you are making, not an outside force that's out of your control. 

Then get yourself into counseling with a very good therapist. As long as you're willing to be a victim, you'll "fall into" situations you're not happy with and continue to attract those looking to capitalize on your weaknesses. So, learn to live with integrity, stand up for yourself and claim ownership of your own choices. Learn to make better choices. *Fix your picker*. Then, and only then, will you be in the position to be an emotionally healthy partner in a quality relationship with another emotionally healthy person.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If you think she is cheating, get a PI and check it out. If you need that proof for yourself.
SHE threatens with divorce, but if you suggest counseling she tells you to leave? Umm, NO its YOUR house. SHE would be the one that would have to leave if you separated.
If she has access to your phone and PC, you should demand the same with her. Her reaction of NOT letting you see that stuff is a big red flag.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don’t sell your house. Your wife started cheating about the time the sex suddenly changed. Divorce her. She and her children have zero respect for you.

simple.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cwest said:


> When my wife and I met, she was in the process of a breakup. I was dating. I know it is wrong, but I was dating 2 women at the same time. (I had gotten out of a 13 year marriage that was a living hell and got hooked on dating sites)
> While dating the 2 other women, the woman soon to become my wife, became the 3rd. She lived in a house near me in our neighborhood and perused me even though she knew I was dating other women. She found out who the other women were and basically ran them off... So it was just she and I. We dated for 2 years, and even though I swore I would never get married again, I ended up doing so.


There is SO much wrong here that I don't know where to begin...but I just want to know...what did you find appealing about a woman who would "run off" other women you were dating...?? That sounds dysfunctional from the beginning - that she did it, and that you "fell in love" with her for it. And that's the basis of your relationship with her. I'm not sure why you expected her to be a different person after you married her, but that NEVER happens.

The ONLY way things are going to change in your life is if YOU change - you need to realize...you are living what YOU have created for yourself. NOTHING happens to us that we don't ALLOW...so if you don't like it, CHANGE IT yourself. Sitting and complaining or moping or feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to make your wife magically change into someone who cares about you. You married a controlling, self-centered person - she sees your weakness and exploits it. And you are ALLOWING it. You shouldn't even have to ask "What do I do"...


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