# Ugly fight with husband. Am I selfish? Opinions needed.



## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Long story short. Besides my full time job I do baking on weekends. My orders are scheduled months ahead of time. Well, our mutual friends called if they can come and spend weekend with us. They asked if I am very busy and I said I have a wedding cake for Saturday and smaller order for Sunday night. I was fine with them coming on Saturday if my husband helps to clean the house. He said he will. Suddenly from Saturday was Friday and he told them on phone I was fine with them coming that day without even asking me. This is when I got very mad for the way he lied and didn't bother to ask me. I told him why he said it and he got mad because I was already mad and told him he does not care or consider my schedule at all. He yelled that they want be with me but with him and I can do my thing. I yelled if he really will clean the whole house because he wasn't able to empty our dishwasher when I begged him before. I said this is not about them, this is about us. He called me some ugly name and when I called him on it, he changed it to ' you acted like b...tch, I did not mean you are!' At this point I almost cried because name calling was one thing I asked him not do to in order to make our marriage work. I am tired of his sorry. Am I so selfish? I am blind or selcentered not to see? He know how nervous and tired I get with big orders but didn't care much
I compromised with Saturday but it clearly was not enough. I love my friends and enjoy time with them but I also have my responsibility with my half time job. After this fight, my husband said that I want to make problem and ruin everything. He said he is done with MC and left the room. Now all I can hear is techno music in his workroom. And that's how we roll. What am I doing wrong??? Why am I always the bad one???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Why do you have so many threads?
It is confusing. 
Why not consolidate your questions in to one thread?


Step back and read what you have written and how you've reacted.

Sounds a bit of a hot mess. You seem to jump to conclusions and wear your heart on your sleeve. Your arguments sound more like bickering children, from what I can surmise.

If your posting is all over he place here on TAM - then you are having problems with attention and rational thinking.

You could benefit from Independent counseling for yourself.

Sometimes a cigar is JUST a cigar.

I hope you all work it out.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sounds like a pretty normal marital fight to be honest. You should make up with each other. But there might be larger resentments at play. Maybe you feel like he doesn't help around the house enough. Maybe he secretly wishes you didn't do your baking on the weekends on top of your other job, because it makes it hard to have a social life. I'm a little unclear on how things precipitated -- what did cleaning the house have to do with your baking and the having friends over? Did the house need to be clean before you baked? Was there some reason he couldn't clean the house after they came instead of before?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BridgetJones said:


> Well, our mutual friends called if they can come and spend weekend with us. They asked if I am very busy and I said I have a wedding cake for Saturday and smaller order for Sunday night. I was fine with them coming on Saturday if my husband helps to clean the house.


A few thoughts.

1) Be more direct with your communication. Tell your friends "Saturday after 5pm will work". They don't need the additional details of how 'busy' you are.

2) Don't make promises based on other people namely your husband. Assume he isn't going to help and respond accordingly.

3) Chill. So he invited them over and without consulting you. So what? There are bigger issues than this. Continue on with your scheduled baking and who cares if the house is clean.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Of course she's done with marriage counseling. If it keeps going still have to tell the story to be told what a jerky was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I havent read your other threads but you dont tell us how old you are and how long you are married. 

It sounds pretty serious. It also sounds like your husband is doing what he can to spite you. If you are doing the same you wont be telling us. Most likely some tit for tat going on.

The best thing is if you can get your husband to come on here and let us all work it out for you.

Your friends must surely have noticed what is going on between you I wonder what they made of it. Unlikely they will come again.

What you are doing wrong. Why are you always bad. You may not be. It is only your husband who says so. 

I am afraid there is not much you can do in this situation. Keep doing your own thing, try not to argue, and dont try to outdo him in the name calling.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I can't understand what you are saying.

Suze Orman likes to say "People first, then money, then things". 

But if baking cakes in addition to having a full time job "takes away" from you realationships with your husband or friends, then it seems like you are doing too much work and not enough recreation.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you very much for all your responses. We have been married 11 years. Our friends will sleep over and since she is allergic to cat and I have one, I always try to do better cleaning before they come. 
I don't bake all the time. I usually have Saturday and Sunday evening free, so we can socialize how much we want. 
I did not talk to my friends, my husband did - on the phone. 
I apologized to him for yelling. 
He did not talk to me much but in the morning he acted like nothing has happened. 
It's just when he is busy with his work and that happens most of his afternoons - I don't complain or make plans because I know how busy he is. I try to put myself in his shoes but I do not feel he does the same for me. 
And yes, there is resentment on both sides. He expects me to do most of house chores, cooking, laundry, getting his clothes ready before work because I am the WOMAN and it is woman's job pretty much. Does not matter I work same hours as he does.
After we started our MC - he is doing better. He will cook sometimes and help to clean if I ask.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BridgetJones said:


> Our friends will sleep over and since *she is allergic to cat* and I have one, I always try to do better cleaning before they come..


Be honest with your friends.

"I don't have time to clean before you come over".

Let them assume the risk or stock up on Zyrtec.

Their choice.

You can't do it all and the sooner you figure that out the easier your life will be.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Reading some of your other posts and you do seem to have many I notice you dont have kids. 

You have also been to MC. Tell us please what you think is really the problem in your marriage. Your husbands seems to expect something from you what you are not prepared to give.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> And yes, there is resentment on both sides. He expects me to do most of house chores, cooking, laundry, getting his clothes ready before work because I am the WOMAN and it is woman's job pretty much. Does not matter I work same hours as he does.
> .


This is what I was getting at with your priorities in life.

Now, for some reason he is wired to "want" his wife to do house chores, laundry etc...

You were told by society that this is demeaning and wrong.

But, reallly, who cares what soiciety has to say?

Is there something more rewarding for you as a wife to do besides things that will make your husband happy and apprecaitive that you are in his life?

Spouses need to give and spouses need to receive. So, if this is what he wants, and will lead him to be happier in his marriage, why not do it? Why woiuld you work full time and make cakes on the side but neglect what is important to your husband?

What are your priorities? Marriage first before work? It should be.

And it's not all give give give on your part.... But by giving you open the door to his fulfillment which opens the door to him being more giving with you...the "cycle" of fulfillment in your marriage.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Hicks, 

I see what you are saying...but it makes me wonder. If I will do everything what pleases him and makes him happy, what do I get in return? When I was trying to do my best - got his clothes ready every morning, cooked when I had time or asked him to go out with me, baked his favorite sweets - I did not feel much appreciation on his side. He criticized me anyway and took things for granted. That's why I stopped and asked for his part. I will try one more time to see what it does.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

This is what I NEED from you


This is what I WANT from you


These things IRK me that you do



then hear his response to same

come to conclusion with what you each shall compromise 


remember difference between Battles and Wars
don't sweat the small stuff
fix the big things first and I bet the small ones will become moot


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> This is what I NEED from you
> 
> 
> This is what I WANT from you
> ...


Did you mean something like this?

This is what I Need from you:
-Compliment me when I do something good or look good.
-Hug me when I feel bad. Hug me for no reason.
-Be with ME in bed not your laptop or ipad or phone, same in living room.
-Say please and thank you because without it I feel taken for granted.
-To know my phone # or day when I was born. 
-Tell me what you need and want. I can’t read your mind.
-Admit when you are wrong
-Take me seriously

This is what I WANT from you:
-Respect me
-See me as a equal partner 
-Not to call me names
-Not to be mad at me because YOU had a bad day at work.
-Help with house hold chores when you can.
-Tell me when you are making important decision. Not after. 


These things IRK me that you do:
-When you eat like Mr. Piggy. Shoveling things down your throat without cutting them into small portions. Eating fast and loud.
-When you don’t wash your teeth before bed.
-When you don’t wash your hands after restroom
-Talking very loud
-Cussing, calling your friends names behind their backs just because they did not do what you wanted
-Negativity, expecting worst
-Wearing same socks couple days because you think they are clean
-Smelling your fingers 
-Passing gas when I lay on your belly while watching TV
-Sarcastic remarks pretended to be jokes about me or my body


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

In the right direction BJ (BridgetJones)


NOW - make the same lists about yourself to yourself - be honest


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

What do you exactly mean? What I need in my life? Or what I need in my marriage?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

"-Tell me what you need and want. I can’t read your mind."


He can't read your mind either.....and if you are in nagging mode it is the same as if you weren't saying anything.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

BridgetJones said:


> What do you exactly mean? What I need in my life? Or what I need in my marriage?



I mean, look at yourself and what things do you do that irk the hell out of him? You aren't perfect, you don't react like a little angel full of grace.


AND - It would be good to see what things you want to change for yourself about yourself.



(I wouldn't enjoy his careless disregard of you or your feelings either....I get where you are coming from.....BUT sometimes we need to take a harsh look at ourselves and our part in perpetuating bad behavior.....we TEACH people how to treat us....you might need to reteach but you can't do that until you've looked at yourself.)


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

BridgetJones said:


> What do you exactly mean? What I need in my life? Or what I need in my marriage?



Good question.....are they mutually exclusive?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> Hicks,
> 
> I see what you are saying...but it makes me wonder. If I will do everything what pleases him and makes him happy, what do I get in return? When I was trying to do my best - got his clothes ready every morning, cooked when I had time or asked him to go out with me, baked his favorite sweets - I did not feel much appreciation on his side. He criticized me anyway and took things for granted. That's why I stopped and asked for his part. I will try one more time to see what it does.


Well it's a process.
You have to start meeting his needs.
Then you have to start advocating for you needs to be met by him. If that does not automatically happen you have to bring it up in conversation. Then the goal is to find out a) if you are missing the mark b) he wants to meet your needs but doesnt' know how c) he knows how and knows he should but he does not want to.... If you arrive at "c" through your process then what you do is stop participating / leave the marriage.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> Good question.....are they mutually exclusive?


I think they are. I will do my homework, also ask for his list but I will try to look into mirror first. Our marriage counselor asked us about 3 things we need in order to make our marriage work. I answered my 3 right away, while my husband gave him only one and said he will think about rest of it at home. I reminded him 3 times that I need them in order to work on it. He did not bother. It has been 6 weeks ago. 

And there is another thing that I do not get- he said that he is the only one working on our marriage. I just don't get how. I started MC, I read books, I did IC and spend hours on internet by reading about marriage. He never comes in with any solutions but will blame me for doing nothing. 
That's fine. I will give my best months ahead and then decide.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Sometimes men are SIMPLE creatures.

For himit may very well be just ONE thing that bothers him most.
(go with it 

He is probably just oblivious as to what your needs and wants really ARE...........................................or he simply doesn't care.

Might find out what he thinnks he is doing to help fix the marriage.
His viewpoints may be different frtom yours.

Also - watch your tone of voice and your facial expressions and body language. If you've been together a long time he may READ YOU before you start "nagging"

see what I mean about that? 

I think you are doing great doing all these things.


One other thing I wanted to share with you.......We don't always get a pat on the back for doing things we are supposed/need to do.
That's life. 
If you don't like that you aren't cherished for doing those things you think you are doing to make him happy......................show by example. Thank HIM for doing those things he does as his responsibility. 

(Guys arent gong to like what Im getting ready to say.....................but Guys are like children/pets they needs some tender lovin care, petting, professing, ego stroking. It is pretty predictable how they will react to lots of situations.
You can change how you REACT to them, and learn techniques to getting what you need.

Hicks is giving REALLY good avice too BTW!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

And if no one has said it - Sex is a BIG dealio with dudes.

You won't get anywhere with him if you aren't having a satisfying married sex life.

I'm rooting for you.

If you do all the things you are saying............then if it doesn't work out YOU can feel good about exhausting all avenues to restoration.


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