# Unloading in therapy???



## sharper1003 (Nov 3, 2016)

Our first therapy session is at the end of this week. It has taken awhile to get in to see this therapist so I've been holding everything in to keep the peace. My question is, should I remain slightly reserved at our first session or completely unload?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you should behave strategically even with a therapist. You don't know what baggage, biases and so on that they are carrying. 

I think you should start by trying to draw out their opinion on the topics that you want to examine. 

For example, when you want to talk about your relationship to your parents, you want to get an idea as to what they think generally of parents. Can parents do no wrong? Do they always love their children unconditionally even if they express it in less than desirable ways and so on......... 

If it's about adultery, does the therapist believe that "there are always wo sides to every story?" That the wayward spouse is merely expressing him / her self and so on. If you're the betrayed spouse in this scenario, do think that kind of attitude will be of assistance to you?

I think you should also act a bit edgy in your sessions with the therapist. A therapist is a paid professional advisor. Much like an accountant. the more informed and disciplined you appear, the better the service you get.

By the way, what reasons have motivated you to contract with a therapist.

Why don't you unload here so that you won't appear so desperate at your first session?


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## ladylawrence1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Like it was pointed out in the previous post, therapists costs money, so although being reserved may nourish a perspective view of the therapist, you also want to be able to address your concerns fully without restrain so the picture is set on the FIRST session. This is not only a benefit to your pockets as drawn out sessions require more sessions which requires more money, but also to your progression in counseling as your spouse will begin to better understand your views and can cope with and address them accordingly. You can even be reserved in your 'unloading'. State the main problems/concerns in your marriage then elaborate based on how the session is going. Hope this helps!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Go slow. Let things develop. Get a feel for the skill and aptitude of the therapist. Most are lazy, incompetent, and inept. Sometimes the play favorites. And they are not the only one listening when you bare your sole and leave yourself in a position of extreme vulnerability.

These things take time. As in months or years. You won't get it fixed in the first session, that's for sure.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you want a second marriage counseling session, don't go in with guns drawn and pointed at your spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

browser said:


> Go slow. Let things develop. Get a feel for the skill and aptitude of the therapist. Most are lazy, incompetent, and inept.


Hogwash.

Most are highly educated and know what will and won't work in most situations. You just have to be explicit in what you're looking to get from them and you must be totally honest, else they'll be giving you guidance based on false data.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> If you want a second marriage counseling session, don't go in with guns drawn and pointed at your spouse.


Agreed. MC isn't a place for you to get zingers in at your spouse. it's for you to be open and honest and ready to LISTEN and to see how YOU are coming across to your spouse. If all you want to do is chew him/her out, he won't come back a second time and you won't get any real advice.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think you should just be yourself. If you want to come out blazing and let lose - do it. If you want to sit back and be passive do that instead. Be prepared for and accept the results either way. The point being if you are not yourself you will always be trying to be someone you aren't for the benefit of another and not yourself.


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## sharper1003 (Nov 3, 2016)

I'm not really a guns blazing or chew him out kinda girl. There are certain things I really need him to understand about the things he's done and how it's effected us. I'm in no way ready to throw my 18 year marriage away. At the same time I don't want things to continue the way they have been. It's difficult not to point finger and to want to shout from the rooftop. I have a lot of pride, for myself and family, and would never share this info with anyone who actual knew us. I even found a councilor across town to keep this as private as possible. I do appreciate everyone's advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once you tell the MC why you're there and set up the situation, ask him/her specifically to talk to you both about boundaries and consequences.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

You've gotten a lot of conflicting advice on this thread which is not unusual especially given the topic and the various experiences we've had with therapists.

I guess one way to look at it is like this.. if you drop the entire load in one session you could conceivably do some damage, but if you hold back and sort of feel things out and see what your comfort level is with the therapist and let things come out gradually you won't be risking fallout. It simply means it will take a few more sessions to reach your particular goal of unloading all the crap in your head. 

Err to the side of caution. Partially because it could also affect your wife adversely to see you going gangbusters about how unhappy you are with everything. It may increase her frustration and anger to the point that she isn't interested in continuing therapy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The key thing to remember in therapy is that your partner has feelings, beliefs, and goals, too.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> Agreed. MC isn't a place for you to get zingers in at your spouse. it's for you to be open and honest and ready to LISTEN and to see how YOU are coming across to your spouse. If all you want to do is chew him/her out, he won't come back a second time and you won't get any real advice.


Agreed.

I'd sometimes go with a certain focus in mind until realizing the process was more fluid than that. 

When we got into the blame game speaking from a place of hurt one particular time, the therapist was able to navigate through and stop things spiraling in an unproductive way. Hubs and I had an agreement not to talk about anything from the sessions until at least 2 days later. It allows for the rawness to settle.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

The first session I had was IC and was somewhat reluctant about going and with certain preconceived notions of how things would be. He asked me all of two questions and I was in tears. It's rare for me to cry so it took me by surprise. The therapist's approach worked for me/us and I learned to abandon expectation of myself (or either of us) in the reactions and responses that would emerge and of the direction the sessions may take. No doubt feeling trust with the therapist was part of that process... to be open.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

ladylawrence1 said:


> Like it was pointed out in the previous post, therapists costs money, so although being reserved may nourish a perspective view of the therapist, you also want to be able to address your concerns fully without restrain so the picture is set on the FIRST session. This is not only a benefit to your pockets as drawn out sessions require more sessions which requires more money, but also to your progression in counseling as your spouse will begin to better understand your views and can cope with and address them accordingly. You can even be reserved in your 'unloading'. State the main problems/concerns in your marriage then elaborate based on how the session is going. Hope this helps!




Health insurance paid for my MC


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

I would say try to define the main point you want to talk about and focus on it. Remaining focused and not getting lost in details can help everyone see the main picture. It also helps to define what you want out of the session instead of pouring everything out at the same time.

Here’s a nice article that someone else posted in TAM: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/getthemost/

I agree that some counselors are biased, with their own preferences or might even become unfair. They are humans after all. I’ve seen how the counselor me and my husband went becoming biased and it sucks. I’d say that it’s better to not give potentially controversial but not useful information, yet tell whatever one feels is relevant. If a counselor is biased and unable to do help properly then he or she is just not the right one anyways.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Also isn't your other post about him seeing escorts. I'd start with what is driving him to do that and how it effects you. 

When he denies it I wouldn't let him know about any other proof you have except the paid subscription. If you do end up in divorce court you don't want him to know your full abilities.

If he's wanting the marriage to work then he'll work with you instead of gas lighting.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

This is PRECISELY why I don't like marriage counseling. OP if you go into marriage counseling looking to "unload" the only thing you're going to get in return is resentment and divorce papers.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how big of a dump are you looking to do and more importantly will this be the first time that your spouse will hear it ?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Marriage Counseling isn’t something you approach like a bull in a china shop.

Write down what you want to talk about so it’s clear in your mind and you don’t come away regretting you haven’t brought something up.
Don’t try to get everything covered in the first session.
The counsellor will have questions to your revelations, so the 50 minutes goes very fast.

Your spouse will have their rendition of events and what their expectations of a good marriage in the future will entail.
Emotions will be high...you will disagree with things that are said by both your spouse and the counsellor....be prepared for this.

MC is very exhausting because the amount of emotional energy is high....which is why you are there .....to air your marital grievances with a mediator who can give you some good feedback and insight.
Your marriage didn’t breakdown overnight....so don’t try and reveal all that is bothering you all at once.
Slow and steady wins the race as they say......there will be subsequent sessions.

Sometimes you will leave a session thinking "what did we actually accomplish today “......it’s normal.....some sessions are actually more productive than others.
Take notes after each session when you get home....so you remember what was discussed and the outcome.....will help going into the next session.

Both of you have to really want to save the marriage......or MC will not work.
If it is one sided it is better to go to IC to help you deal with what’s happening in the marriage .....and to prepare yourself for a future with or without your spouse.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Don't focus on your spouse during first MC session. Focus on yourself. How you feel. What you want from your marriage. How you hope the MC will help you get more of what you want from marriage.

You can throw in recognition that you are not perfect and your spouse undoubtedly has issues with you and you are prepared to address those, too. That you want Mc to be a two way street.

But the idea is to get across to the MC how you feel and what you want. Then they can help you communicate with your spouse to see if your spouse is willing to provide those things, and what circumstances would be necessary for them to be enthusiastic about providing them.

Still, in the end, the answer might be that no such circumstances exist. Which would be my final message to the MC. Tell the MC that you realize it may be the case that your current spouse is unable or unwilling to provide what you want under any circumstances. And that is OK. You aren't there to force your spouse to do things they don't want to do. Your spouse is an adult who gets to make their own choices. You just want to see if there is overlap between what you need and want and what your spouse can provide. And see if you can work together to move into that overlapping space, if it exists. If it doesn't exist, then at least you'll know and you'll have difficult decisions to make but at least you won't be wasting time wondering.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@sharper1003....I have just realized this thread and your other one posted at the same time http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/356018-no-room-escorts.html#post16808530 are both old 

How are things working out....did the therapy help...was his cheating with escorts the final straw....hope you are ok and happy with whatever decision you made


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