# I can't break through to her



## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

Hi There...I just joined this forum because I need to understand what I am thinking as well as what my wife is. We have been married for almost 4 years and I have a step daughter. I want to have more of a relationship with my wife instead of just feeling like we are sharing a house. When i approach her indicating that i feel like we need to spend more time together she has told me that she can't love me unless I love her daughter first. But at the same time never backs me up during any discipline because as she says "she doesn't think I am raising her daughter the way she wants me to"

I dont know what to do.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences similar to this?


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

She needs to do the discipline with her daughter, not you. She is the parent of the child. You can be a support person to the child, a buddy, but you are not the parent. Most children need the parent to discipline to make it have any impact, not the step parent.


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

I really do not understand where you are coming from. If I am left alone with her she needs to understand that I can impose the rules of the house when Mom is not around without hearing, Mom would let me do it. 

While I respect your advice, it is my home as well to which I should feel comfortable allowing certain behavior while discouraging other behavior. 

Unfortunately Mom plays the buddy role and lets her get away with almost everything.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

My father was married 5 times, so I have had many different experiences with a step parent. First, where is her dad? How much involvement does he have? How old is the girl? 

I think that you need to sit down with your wife and start establishing what she expects from you in regards to your step daughter. You need to establish what you need from your wife to be able to make those things happen. Unfortunately most people who get into relationships with people who already have children don't establish what role the step parent is going to play. Are you the good time parent or disciplinarian etc...

Tell her you are willing to work on your relationship with your step daughter, and she must be willing to work on the issues of your marriage at the same time. It is not fair for you to put in the work necessary to make that relationship work with your step daughter if she isn't willing to make your marriage a happier place.


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

Your last sentence sums up perfectly what I have been feeling and I have said to my wife that i want the two of us to build a better relationship together and that I feel like she is telling me that she wants me to work on my relationship with her daughter before she will start focusing on what I want out of our married relationship.

Unfortunately after those discussions it goes right back to normal. I am in the process of contacting a marriage counselor that specializes in step parenting relationships even though she has told me that I need to go and talk to a counselor to straighten myself out first before she wants to work together.

My step daughters father has been out of her life since she was about 1.5-2 years old and just in the last year (she is now 10) has started to have some basic contact with him. I have been around her since she was 5 years old and she has taken to calling me Dad alomost immediately after we were married about 3 years ago. 

We spoke about it right when we were married and wanted to try to ensure that we were on the same side with things (the united front) when things werent going so well with her behavior. She has been diagnosed with ADHD. And that I made sure to spend time with her on my own to build that relationship. Unfortunately with the way things have gone for the last year I have really pulled back from her because as I said before I want to build a relationship with my wife and that is my number one priority and my wife looks at by saying " i can tell you hate my daughter" when that is not even close to being true.

one point off topic...are you a dave matthews fan? just asking because of your screen name


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

Sonny said:


> "Super Nanny" (which I think is a great show) would tell you to first agree on and then post some house rules and have a consequence system in place for when they are broken.


We have tried that...as far as set it stone rules, I wanted to make sure that we hit just the basics because once you start thinking about rules you can come up with a million of them.

Things like, bedtime is at 9:00, or she must help to either set the table or help clean off the table. But what ends up happenning is that if she has done a great job of behaving through the day when I ask her to help clean off the table my wife says no you dont have to do that today because you were so good earlier. This has resulted in negotiating matches starting when I ask her to go to bed or to help with some basic chores. And those conversations always start with I am going to tell Mom on you, or Mom wouldnt make me do it today.

The one rule that I really do want to enforce is that my wife and my bedroom is off limits as a hangout spot. When someone is watching tv she feels like she can go in there and crawl into our bed because no one is watching that tv. My wife has told me many times that I should just let her have the tv and go our room myself because if that what she wants to do there is no reason why she shouldnt be allowed to. It exploded the other day when i was watching tv and my wife let her and her friend lay under the covers in our bed so that they could watch tv too.


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

i really appreciate bouncing some ideas off of all of you as I do not have any family where I live and have not had much success building solid friendships since I moved here and I struggle with that alot as well.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

mark1234 said:


> Your last sentence sums up perfectly what I have been feeling and I have said to my wife that i want the two of us to build a better relationship together and that I feel like she is telling me that she wants me to work on my relationship with her daughter before she will start focusing on what I want out of our married relationship.
> 
> Unfortunately after those discussions it goes right back to normal. I am in the process of contacting a marriage counselor that specializes in step parenting relationships even though she has told me that I need to go and talk to a counselor to straighten myself out first before she wants to work together.
> 
> ...


It sounds like this is getting close to being a deal breaker for you. If it is, you need to tell your wife that you are no longer willing to live in a marriage that is not progressing.

One thing my wife and I have done to help prevent us from getting back into old bad habits is establish a talk once a week. We set aside Wednesday nights after the kids are in bed to talk. Maybe you can try that too.

Your wife needs a consistant relationship with you and her daughter to feel close to you. You CAN NOT be distant from your step daughter if your marriage isn't going well! This is a HUGE problem. I will say that relationship is key to your marriage as well. For that reason, you need to step up your efforts on the step daughter front.

You can't keep waiting for her to do something with your marriage, and resent your step daughter for being the cause of the problem. The more you resent her, the more your wife distances herself from you. It's a cycle, and both of your behaviors are contributing to the problem. If you want it to get better, take the lead. Show her through action that you are willing to do what it takes to make the marriage, and family better.

Yes, I am a HUGE DMB fan. I have seen over 30 shows since '95. :smthumbup:


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

I really appreciate your feedback! 

About 4 months ago, I realized that i was pulling back and made a concerted effort to stay more positive around the house although its hard waking up in the morning thinking my wife is ready to leave me. 

And this worked great....to a certain point...I can honestly say that as a family we were functioning better than ever before but about 3 weeks ago I started to realize that there were things that I still wanted out of our relationship that I didnt feel I was getting. I approached her saying that things have been going great but that there was still some of the underlying issues (things that i felt were missing in our marriage) that I needed to start seeing some compromise on like dedicating time for the two of us to spend together. In her response she acknowledged that things had been going great and that it was proof that the problem with the family was me as it all cleared up when I started making more effort. I told her that I was trying to make the first steps to rebuild the relationship that we had but focusing on being more positive towards her as well as my step daughter which she also acknowledged but that there were still those things that I need out of the relationship to feel like it is working. She then started asking question of me like if thats what you want then why did you marry me, or i guess we made a huge mistake in getting married. It was so hard to feel like I was putting forth effort to get a point where they were both happy and being told that they werent willing to work with me so that i could have some of the things that I needed.

After hearing in multiple fights that she thought we had made a big mistake and that she was done with things and that she had changed her mind about wanting to have kids with me, and that she thinks we shouldnt be together I had to draw a line somewhere. 

In our last fight I told her that I was finsihed because I can't keep going like this feeling like i am being blamed for things not working and I am through with hearing it. If she wants to fins=ish this then she needs to just do it and stop threatening me. When i said that to her it was the first time I saw her back off and start telling me that she didnt really mean it. 

I know that her and her daughter were together for a few years alone before I came in the picture and i know that she is having a hard time with knowing that there is someone else around that is there to support her (because she has neverhad that) and feel like she is just trying to push me away, so I end up just keeping my mouth shut and letting things go back to normal until the next big blow up but I just can't keep doing it to myself.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

What do you want from this relationship? (not what you think you can get)

What are you willing to change in yourself to get it?


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

snix11 said:


> What do you want from this relationship? (not what you think you can get)
> 
> What are you willing to change in yourself to get it?


I want my wife to start treating me as an equal in the house and to show some desire to want to have a husband/wife relationship with me. She needs to acknowledge that I have a family too that i would like to see once in a while. I want her to want to spend time with me when she has indicated she would rather hang out with her friends.

I don't feel as though I need to change the person that I am (and that she married) for my partner to want to have a relationship with me. Although I do understand that things arise and people need to bend and change with the circumstances however I am tired of being the one who always gives up what I want so that she can be happy. When it comes to roles in the relationship I have ensured that at all times I approach her with a compromise if I dont just agree. This isnt that i am trying to change her as a person, I am talking about just being able to give my two cents with regular family things such as what to have for dinner (when I do all the cooking), without being told that she doesnt care what i want.

This goes alot deeper than just the way work with my step daughter.

Initially I was scared during our engagment and we talked about my fear that she wouldn't be able to compromise with me in a married relationship. After a couple of months she really started to ease up and show a desire to work with me and day to day decisions about money and kids. 
Then all of a sudden about a year and a half ago she went right back to what I was terrified was going to happen initially.


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## lostmymind (Oct 2, 2008)

Sounds like the best thing you can do right now is speak to a therapist with some background in how to deal with blended families. Kids of parent who are still married will try to pit one parent against the other to get what they want, so make no mistake, they will try it with a step parent even moreso. I agree that the parent should have the first opportunity to discipline when possible, but when she isn't around, you have to be able to enforce the house rules that have been established....otherwise, the child is going to railroad you. Talk to a professional.....they will have much better insight than I do! Good luck to you!


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## mark1234 (Oct 7, 2008)

lostmymind said:


> Sounds like the best thing you can do right now is speak to a therapist with some background in how to deal with blended families. Kids of parent who are still married will try to pit one parent against the other to get what they want, so make no mistake, they will try it with a step parent even moreso. I agree that the parent should have the first opportunity to discipline when possible, but when she isn't around, you have to be able to enforce the house rules that have been established....otherwise, the child is going to railroad you. Talk to a professional.....they will have much better insight than I do! Good luck to you!


thanks so much...i spent my lunch break with my EAP who was helping to refer me to a counsellor.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

mark1234 said:


> I want my wife to start treating me as an equal in the house and to show some desire to want to have a husband/wife relationship with me. She needs to acknowledge that I have a family too that i would like to see once in a while. I want her to want to spend time with me when she has indicated she would rather hang out with her friends.
> 
> *I don't feel as though I need to change the person that I am (and that she married) for my partner to want to have a relationship with me. Although I do understand that things arise and people need to bend and change with the circumstances however I am tired of being the one who always gives up what I want so that she can be happy. When it comes to roles in the relationship I have ensured that at all times I approach her with a compromise if I dont just agree. This isnt that i am trying to change her as a person, I am talking about just being able to give my two cents with regular family things such as what to have for dinner (when I do all the cooking), without being told that she doesnt care what i want.*
> This goes alot deeper than just the way work with my step daughter.
> ...


My wife and I have recently completely changed roles in the family. She has always been very career driven, and I have always wanted to be the one there for the kids. She started to resent me for not being a better provider when she wanted to be home with the kids more. Being the one who was responsible for caring for the kids was my identity. This has changed, and I am now working in a career as my wife has cut her hours to 3 days a week, and is now the one responsible for caring for the kids. 

With that, I think that what makes a successful marriage with the willingness to do whatever is needed for the family. If that means changing some things about ourselves for the better of the family, so be it. I have felt during the times that we have trouble that I am giving in too much. However, during the good times, I don't care what I gave to make that happen. I am just happy that we are all in a good place. Only in times of trouble do we resent others for our concessions. With that being said, she does need to give some. There is no way you can give and give, and get nothing in return. See about finding a counselor who specializes with families who have step children involved.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

mark1234 said:


> ...We have been married for almost 4 years and I have a step daughter...
> 
> Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences similar to this?


Maybe she married you because you have a roof over your head and she and her daughter can find financial security with you. I'm always suspicious of single moms (no offense, single moms!!).


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## SYD (Oct 8, 2008)

mark1234 said:


> We have tried that...as far as set it stone rules, I wanted to make sure that we hit just the basics because once you start thinking about rules you can come up with a million of them.
> 
> Things like, bedtime is at 9:00, or she must help to either set the table or help clean off the table. But what ends up happenning is that if she has done a great job of behaving through the day when I ask her to help clean off the table my wife says no you dont have to do that today because you were so good earlier. This has resulted in negotiating matches starting when I ask her to go to bed or to help with some basic chores. And those conversations always start with I am going to tell Mom on you, or Mom wouldnt make me do it today.
> 
> The one rule that I really do want to enforce is that my wife and my bedroom is off limits as a hangout spot. When someone is watching tv she feels like she can go in there and crawl into our bed because no one is watching that tv. My wife has told me many times that I should just let her have the tv and go our room myself because if that what she wants to do there is no reason why she shouldnt be allowed to. It exploded the other day when i was watching tv and my wife let her and her friend lay under the covers in our bed so that they could watch tv too.


Mark I want to say I signed up only after reading your post...I'm on marriage 2, I have my son and her daughter and we have a son together as well.. anyways, I laugh about the bedroom being off limits, because in my house my daughter basically hangs out in our bedroom while on her laptop, watching tv, and texting her friends.. there are no barriers for her in our house for the most part, hell she's a teenager and still sleeps on our floor some nights! 

Discipline, well I say this you may not be her father but you are a parent! You have every right to say you can not do this or that, now as far as a spanking well that would be a line better not crossed (although I think my daughter could use a good spanking to reminder her she's not an adult but a child). 

Well I know I love my daughter very very much, and we have a better friendship than my wife and I do I believe.. it's messed up.. I don't know how you feel about your step but show her the love if you love her ... 
IMO, the wife should show you something .. trust me, I know my wife is a block o' Ice...and I know it's not easy. It really really sux and I feel ya.


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