# What is wrong with me??????



## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Hi - just checking my sanity - any opinions will be valued.

I have been married for 16 months, we have two kids.
Lately I feel unhappy - we had some bad in-law issues (older post)- I thought things would go back to normal as soon as these issues were resolved. Things are better. 
But I suddenly have these feelings towards my husband that I don't understand: scratchhead:
I don't feel in love with him (although I do care about and love him very much - I just don't have that "cloud feeling" anymore.) Why is this gone??? Is it ever coming back?
Also I don't feel physically attracted to him - I don't feel like having sex with him. I'm feeling some numbness and a "whatever" attitude towards him - also anger and I feel bad to even admit this but I feel irritated with him some resentment as well.
I don't want to feel like this - I want to be a good wife.
Why do I feel like this????


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

How old are the kids?
Biologically you are designed not to feel attraction to your man while you have babies... This is to avoid having more babies. 

If you want to be a good wife, be a good wife.... It's not any more complicated than that. Do all the things good wives do and don't do the things bad wives do.

Example:
Good wives give their husband good sexual experiences
Bad wives tell their husband they are not interested in sex with them any more.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Day to day life robs us of that "in love" feeling if we let it. He probably has some of the same feelings you have. Time for a "working date" to hash these feelings out and discuss the issues you each have.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Why are you angry and resentful of him?


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

You should work on your resentment and build the attraction again from there. There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to understand your feelings better.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Why are you angry and resentful of him?


Because of the life I live everyday. Because he doesn't help me at all and mostly becausethe way I believe he is sexist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

thompkevin said:


> You should work on your resentment and build the attraction again from there. There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to understand your feelings better.


when I do talk to him his reaction is : " you are losing it."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Hicks said:


> How old are the kids?
> Biologically you are designed not to feel attraction to your man while you have babies... This is to avoid having more babies.
> 
> Ages are 6 years and 16 weeks
> ...


I really don't feel like having sex with someone who is self centred and doesn't seem to care about me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> I really don't feel like having sex with someone who is self centred and doesn't seem to care about me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm confused as to why you married him if he's sexist and self centered?


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm confused as to why you married him if he's sexist and self centered?


 He wasn't always like this! Its comments he has recently made since he doesn't seem to want me to be a "working mom" and if I ask for help with the kids or tell him about a hard day his reply is " you woman want to be equal with us men these days so then you have to be able to take it". Its a recent change in him since I've been trying to do my own thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> He wasn't always like this! Its comments he has recently made since he doesn't seem to want me to be a "working mom" and if I ask for help with the kids or tell him about a hard day his reply is " you woman want to be equal with us men these days so then you have to be able to take it". Its a recent change in him since I've been trying to do my own thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you mean 'doing your own thing'? Sounds to me like a big shake up in the status quo and he's not taking the changes well.

He doesn't want you working... was this not a mutual decision? If you agreed on one thing from the beginning, then changed up midstream and he wasn't completely sold, that may explain his attitude. Major decisions in a marriage should be enthusiastically agreed upon by BOTH parties. If you can't come to an agreement, then a compromise should be made. Bottom line is both of you should be happy leaving the table.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> What do you mean 'doing your own thing'? Sounds to me like a big shake up in the status quo and he's not taking the changes well.
> 
> He doesn't want you working... was this not a mutual decision? If you agreed on one thing from the beginning, then changed up midstream and he wasn't completely sold, that may explain his attitude. Major decisions in a marriage should be enthusiastically agreed upon by BOTH parties. If you can't come to an agreement, then a compromise should be made. Bottom line is both of you should be happy leaving the table.


Running my own business. He has always known that I wanted to work we live in a small town with no work opportunities. The agreement was that he didn't want me to work in the closest town to our home which is an hour to hour and halfs drive, since he wanted my to be at home, I agreed but also said that I then want to work from home. Which is why I am doing my own thing( my own business from home). He is not suppotive of this. I believe the reason comes from his previous marriage, when his wive cheated on him several times with men she was working with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

It still amazes me that the veteran posters here treat each individual walk-away as though it is something new and unique. All wives have a list. This is just what is at the top of hers.

What's on YOUR list?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> Running my own business. He has always known that I wanted to work we live in a small town with no work opportunities. The agreement was that he didn't want me to work in the closest town to our home which is an hour to hour and halfs drive, since he wanted my to be at home, I agreed but also said that I then want to work from home. Which is why I am doing my own thing( my own business from home). He is not suppotive of this. I believe the reason comes from his previous marriage, when his wive cheated on him several times with men she was working with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you think that to him, working wife = cheating wife?

Seems like a great agreement... you want to work, he wants you at home. It's a win win. Maybe he didn't ever really want you working, and in theory, your business SOUNDED great. Until you made it actually happen. He may have thought you were just talk. Maybe he wants you to be a traditional SAHM.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It sounds like you are very clear on why you have lost desire to have sex with your husband. 

The thing is, if he feels threatened by you starting a business, having less sex with him will make him feel justified in feeling threatened. He's likely to feel even more threatened because he likely attributes your lack of desire to being more independent.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> So you think that to him, working wife = cheating wife?
> 
> Seems like a great agreement... you want to work, he wants you at home. It's a win win. Maybe he didn't ever really want you working, and in theory, your business SOUNDED great. Until you made it actually happen. He may have thought you were just talk. Maybe he wants you to be a traditional SAHM.


I think you are right. He keeps saying the most sexist things like: " woman wants to be the boss these days so they should look after themselves." And if I ask him to watch the kids on his off time he is like " I hope you are bringing in a lot of money since it looks like roles are being reversed." I should mention that I have already changed my career direction to accomodate this change since I desperately wanted to work for a marketing company, which I studied hard for. So I made a complete career swop to accomodate this change, which means I have to study again. I had to give up a decent salary to make a career change and stay at home. Now I am studying, while starting a business from scratch without any support. I just feel like I have reached my bargaaining limit. I mean I never wanted a home office. I already made a big compromise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> I think you are right. He keeps saying the most sexist things like: " woman wants to be the boss these days so they should look after themselves." And if I ask him to watch the kids on his off time he is like " I hope you are bringing in a lot of money since it looks like roles are being reversed." I should mention that I have already changed my career direction to accomodate this change since I desperately wanted to work for a marketing company, which I studied hard for. So I made a complete career swop to accomodate this change, which means I have to study again. I had to give up a decent salary to make a career change and stay at home. Now I am studying, while starting a business from scratch without any support. I just feel like I have reached my bargaaining limit. I mean I never wanted a home office. I already made a big compromise
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You say you made a big compromise, but its obvious by his attitude toward you he didn't. He isn't in agreement with your career and plans. If you continue to pursue it, he's not going to support it for the duration. You two are at cross purposes.

Your independence is a threat to him. So you will have to make a choice... your marriage or work? If you want both, life with your husband will not be pleasant. He'll make sure of it. It's not the most mature way to deal with the changes, but it's his way.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you guys weren't really clear on the agreement. He thought he was getting a SAHM, which means you take care of the kids and the housework. You want to work. So, if you were working, what would you do? Send the kids to daycare? Hire a housekeeper to help out with the housework?

If your business is making enough money to replace your previous salary (or close), then you should treat it as a job and hire some help for the housework/child care. If not, then you need to refocus on the SAHM duties and look at your business as more of a hobby to do in your spare time.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

justonelife said:


> It sounds like you guys weren't really clear on the agreement. He thought he was getting a SAHM, which means you take care of the kids and the housework. You want to work. So, if you were working, what would you do? Send the kids to daycare? Hire a housekeeper to help out with the housework?
> 
> If your business is making enough money to replace your previous salary (or close), then you should treat it as a job and hire some help for the housework/child care. If not, then you need to refocus on the SAHM duties and look at your business as more of a hobby to do in your spare time.


I do have a housekeeper. I would like to ask you a question though. Why are woman always expected to give up their dreams, and things they want to achieve in life. I studied hard and worked hard to do my own thing. As I said I already made a compromise that left me much worse off financially. I don't like my husbands job - crappy night time hoUrs sometimes but I would never ask him to give it up, because it makes him tick he loves his job! Why is it so wrong for me to want to achieve something with my life? Why is it that woman are always asked to let go of their careers and dreams? I get that my marriage is more important and if I had to make a choice I would pick my marriage, but isn't that a very selfish thing dor him to ask? For me to give up yet another 2 years of unnecessary studies, loads od money to cover that just to make a career change for him and now he changed his mind about me working. After I bought all of my equipment and built a office? After we agreed that this is what I was going to do? How can a person ask someone to give that up and give up their dreams to be a SAHM, if they know you will be miserable? I ust feel like he is somewhat sexist in expecting me to just jump and give up everything because he has a traditional idea of a role of a woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> I do have a housekeeper. I would like to ask you a question though. Why are woman always expected to give up their dreams, and things they want to achieve in life. I studied hard and worked hard to do my own thing. As I said I already made a compromise that left me much worse off financially. I don't like my husbands job - crappy night time hoUrs sometimes but I would never ask him to give it up, because it makes him tick he loves his job! Why is it so wrong for me to want to achieve something with my life? Why is it that woman are always asked to let go of their careers and dreams? I get that my marriage is more important and if I had to make a choice I would pick my marriage, but isn't that a very selfish thing dor him to ask? For me to give up yet another 2 years of unnecessary studies, loads od money to cover that just to make a career change for him and now he changed his mind about me working. After I bought all of my equipment and built a office? After we agreed that this is what I was going to do? How can a person ask someone to give that up and give up their dreams to be a SAHM, if they know you will be miserable? I ust feel like he is somewhat sexist in expecting me to just jump and give up everything because he has a traditional idea of a role of a woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't think you really understand your husband. People go into marriages all the time with their little bag of expectations and it's inevitable, they'll end up where you are right now. Disappointed. 

You didn't make it clear to him that you were going to do this whether he wanted it or not. So now you're upset and taking it out on him by denying affection and calling him sexist. I happen to believe that you married a very traditional thinking man. He has THAT at his core and you are rejecting it meaning you're rejecting him. Maybe he thought you understood him and you're showing him you don't. You don't get it. He didn't ASK you to make a choice, but in agreeing on marrying him you willingly DID.

I hope you can find a way to stop resenting him for wanting something as badly as you do. It's unfortunate they aren't the same things, so much time and energy is being wasted banging your heads against the wall.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Wow, our resident women-haters zeroed right in on your post! The moderator on this board doesn't seem to think misogyny is a reason to ban a member, so try to just ignore them. Fun world we live in, right? When bashing people because of their gender doesn't even get a head turn?

I don't have much advice on your situation, just empathy. It's hard to feel loving and supportive of someone when they're not being loving and supportive of you. Have you sat down and talked with him?


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I don't think you really understand your husband. People go into marriages all the time with their little bag of expectations and it's inevitable, they'll end up where you are right now. Disappointed.
> 
> You didn't make it clear to him that you were going to do this whether he wanted it or not. So now you're upset and taking it out on him by denying affection and calling him sexist. I happen to believe that you married a very traditional thinking man. He has THAT at his core and you are rejecting it meaning you're rejecting him. Maybe he thought you understood him and you're showing him you don't. You don't get it. He didn't ASK you to make a choice, but in agreeing on marrying him you willingly DID.
> 
> I hope you can find a way to stop resenting him for wanting something as badly as you do. It's unfortunate they aren't the same things, so much time and energy is being wasted banging your heads against the wall.


I don't want to resent him and yes I feel dissapointed bc I thought he would want me to be happy....where do I go from here???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> I don't want to resent him and yes I feel dissapointed bc I thought he would want me to be happy....where do I go from here???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You both want the same things in that you want to be happy with one another. The problem is you have different ideas of what 'happy with one another' looks like.

If you're prepared to be on your own with this, then keep going the way you're going... he's not going to support it. You'll become more and more resentful of this as time goes on. You set this in motion.. as much as you want this it could mean the end of your relationship. You can have it all, and be doing it all... BY YOURSELF, young children and all. By forging ahead you're sending your husband a very strong message.

I can't tell you what to do. You can both be miserable or you can see the bigger picture here.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Yes, you definitely have resentment issues.

Sounds like a therapist... or at least a third party arbitrator could be of some use here.
This is NEVER going to get resolved if you don't talk to your husband about it. The sooner the better.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

northernlights said:


> Wow, our resident women-haters zeroed right in on your post! The moderator on this board doesn't seem to think misogyny is a reason to ban a member, so try to just ignore them. Fun world we live in, right? When bashing people because of their gender doesn't even get a head turn?
> 
> I don't have much advice on your situation, just empathy. It's hard to feel loving and supportive of someone when they're not being loving and supportive of you. Have you sat down and talked with him?


Thanks I have tried to talk to him. He doesn't understand that I just want to achieve something on my own that I can be proud of and I would like to be able to take some of the responsibilities off his shoulders. He doesn't understand why I would be miserable as a SAHM. I'm just not that kind of person. I am supportive of his business, when he went through a tough time I gave him my complete salary to help pay his employees and I jumped in and helped him find more clients etc. Thanks to me calling and finding work he had a turnover of R480000.00 for two months of work. So I am supportive and I do help him. It just makes me sad that he doesn't do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> Thanks I have tried to talk to him. He doesn't understand that I just want to achieve something on my own that I can be proud of and I would like to be able to take some of the responsibilities off his shoulders. He doesn't understand why I would be miserable as a SAHM. I'm just not that kind of person. I am supportive of his business, when he went through a tough time I gave him my complete salary to help pay his employees and I jumped in and helped him find more clients etc. Thanks to me calling and finding work he had a turnover of R480000.00 for two months of work. So I am supportive and I do help him. It just makes me sad that he doesn't do the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some men like to be the pillar that holds their family up financially. He doesn't want to share that with you. It's different working in his business to help him than having a business of your own.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Some men like to be the pillar that holds their family up financially. He doesn't want to share that with you. It's different working in his business to help him than having a business of your own.


 it's just completely crazy the money I was earning was not critisised when it helped him get through some tough months, but now that his business is better, my job is a threat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> it's just completely crazy the money I was earning was not critisised when it helped him get through some tough months, but now that his business is better, my job is a threat!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right... because in the first instance you were helping him, and in that he saw value for the family he wants to support. Helping him do his job is great.

Your current thing is something he's not a part of and something you are doing for yourself.. you said so even in this thread that this is about YOU. I'm sure you come across the same way to him. Why would he support something he sees is just for you? 

A man that likes traditional roles won't get a woman having a successful business that takes time away from him or the family. He sees the role of SAHM as it's own job. You care for home and he can go out in the world to slay the dragons so to speak.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Expectations expectations expectations. My marriage is on the rocks because of this very human thing called expectations which were never discussed properly nor understood well enough at the beginning. Now something will have to give. You both sound like driven, career minded folks with who both care for your children. You both want it all at the same time. It's tough and I know what you mean by resentments. It features in nearly every thought and response.

I suggest you both sit and talk in a dispassionate way about what your priorities are for your marriage first. If what YOU want is your priority then you will always feel cheated. You will always feel taken for granted. You will always feel like the one having to give up something. These will breed multiple resentments and then hatred.

The "why me" question is understandable but in the grand scheme of things - is selfish. Either ways marriage is just tough. I hope you are both able to work things out.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Right... because in the first instance you were helping him, and in that he saw value for the family he wants to support. Helping him do his job is great.
> 
> Your current thing is something he's not a part of and something you are doing for yourself.. you said so even in this thread that this is about YOU. I'm sure you come across the same way to him. Why would he support something he sees is just for you?
> 
> A man that likes traditional roles won't get a woman having a successful business that takes time away from him or the family. He sees the role of SAHM as it's own job. You care for home and he can go out in the world to slay the dragons so to speak.


It is about me yes since I have to do something for me since I would like to color my hair buy clothes, make-up, put away money for the kids every month I buy groceries etc... He doesn't put away money for the kids or buy my clothes, make up etc....I would look like a cave woman SAHM if I stopped working and the kids would get no room make-overs, or money put in their savings account or toys etc.renevations in the house would not happen....so I do stuff for the family too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> It is about me yes since I have to do something for me since I would like to color my hair buy clothes, make-up, put away money for the kids every month I buy groceries etc... He doesn't put away money for the kids or buy my clothes, make up etc....I would look like a cave woman SAHM if I stopped working and the kids would get no room make-overs, or money put in their savings account or toys etc.renevations in the house would not happen....so I do stuff for the family too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok now you're talking about something else here. You have 2 children with this guy. He doesn't take care of your family? He have his own bank account? How long has it been this way?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

NovembeRain said:


> Thanks I have tried to talk to him. He doesn't understand that I just want to achieve something on my own that I can be proud of and I would like to be able to take some of the responsibilities off his shoulders. He doesn't understand why I would be miserable as a SAHM. I'm just not that kind of person. I am supportive of his business, when he went through a tough time I gave him my complete salary to help pay his employees and I jumped in and helped him find more clients etc. Thanks to me calling and finding work he had a turnover of R480000.00 for two months of work. So I am supportive and I do help him. It just makes me sad that he doesn't do the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you need to talk to him some more, OP, until he does understand. If that doesn't work, I suggest MC.

Every human being has a right to pursue their dreams and feel a sense of achievement, and it isn't as though you pursuing yours is resulting in you neglecting your home and family. Your H's attitude in this regard, however, does seem to be causing you a degree of understandable resentment towards him, which has probably resulted in him feeling that you are neglecting him (eg, no longer wanting to be physically intimate with him), so you are now in a catch 22 situation.

You also mention that there had been other issues concerning your inlaws, and perhaps this has taken its toll on your marriage... When there are problems like this, sadly, the romance tends to disappear from a relationship, and this requires both parties to work hard at bringing it back.

This can't be just about your H's expectations, or your expectations. It can't be an either or situation, where one wins and the other loses. Marriage is an equal relationship where both parties should feel that they are getting their needs met, and it's up to both parties to facilitate this - not just one of you...

Again, if you can't work past this impasse, OP, I would consider MC.

Good luck to you both!


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

iBolt said:


> Expectations expectations expectations. My marriage is on the rocks because of this very human thing called expectations which were never discussed properly nor understood well enough at the beginning. Now something will have to give. You both sound like driven, career minded folks with who both care for your children. You both want it all at the same time. It's tough and I know what you mean by resentments. It features in nearly every thought and response.
> 
> I suggest you both sit and talk in a dispassionate way about what your priorities are for your marriage first. If what YOU want is your priority then you will always feel cheated. You will always feel taken for granted. You will always feel like the one having to give up something. These will breed multiple resentments and then hatred.
> 
> The "why me" question is understandable but in the grand scheme of things - is selfish. Either ways marriage is just tough. I hope you are both able to work things out.



I get it. I just thought we had this talk already and in this talk, we decided that our marriage is important and that I didn't want him to be unhappy. So our compromise which he was extastic about at that point was that I work from home. I gueSs my point is just, I did speak to a MC and he did mention that it is a give and take relationship and that I should be the one who alwsys makes the compromise he did explain to my husband that he can't have his way completely and he mentioned to my husband that his attitude of "my way or the highway" is wrong.and that working from home was a reasonable compromise. I mean being a SAHM was what he wanted, being a fulltime career woman was what I wanted. Now I have made changes to be at home more, I have 99 percent of the childrens responsibilities from taking them to school to standing up at night for the baby to having him with me all day in the office. I still cook do the washing, I do have a housekeeper who does the other chores. I still look after the big garden we have. I attend school meetings, I juggle the balls every day.I mean what does he want from me???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry its called marriage. I know Im bitter!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Ok now you're talking about something else here. You have 2 children with this guy. He doesn't take care of your family? He have his own bank account? How long has it been this way?


he does take care of the family, medical expenses, school fees, electricity, housekeeper. I help with the groceries, he has a bank account. I do make a point of saving money for the children and renovate the house etc etc since he feels that it is money wasted and doesn't believe in decorating or renovating. I pay for my own stuff since if I don't he always wants to debate over what I need and don't need. He doesn't think it is necessary to save for the children at this point. So my way of solving this differences was by paying dor anything he sees as "unnecessary" by myself, and the groceries was just a gesture from myself to help pay something of the home responsibilities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm curious. 

How were things between you before the second child came along? How about before you got married? Were you a single mom with your own place etc?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

NovembeRain said:


> I get it. I just thought we had this talk already and in this talk, we decided that our marriage is important and that I didn't want him to be unhappy. So our compromise which he was extastic about at that point was that I work from home. I gueSs my point is just, I did speak to a MC and he did mention that it is a give and take relationship and that I should be the one who alwsys makes the compromise he did explain to my husband that he can't have his way completely and he mentioned to my husband that his attitude of "my way or the highway" is wrong.and that working from home was a reasonable compromise. I mean being a SAHM was what he wanted, being a fulltime career woman was what I wanted. Now I have made changes to be at home more, I have 99 percent of the childrens responsibilities from taking them to school to standing up at night for the baby to having him with me all day in the office. I still cook do the washing, I do have a housekeeper who does the other chores. I still look after the big garden we have. I attend school meetings, I juggle the balls every day.I mean what does he want from me???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IF things are accurate as you state them, then I totally feel for you. I have been a full time dad looking after my 3 kids after my divorce and ran a growing business at the same time. It's not easy. 

My questions to you are these

What more are you able to happily give?
Are you both able to talk with each other in a calm manner?
Has he been abusive to you in the past?


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm curious.
> 
> How were things between you before the second child came along? How about before you got married? Were you a single mom with your own place etc?


I was a single working mom living on my own yes. Things were tense before the baby- we had in-law issues, and focused on this so much that the working disagreement was shoved to the back. Since the in law issues has been resolved it seems there is now opportunity to talk about other disagreements. But yes it did intensify since the birth of the baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> I was a single working mom living on my own yes. Things were tense before the baby- we had in-law issues, and focused on this so much that the working disagreement was shoved to the back. Since the in law issues has been resolved it seems there is now opportunity to talk about other disagreements. But yes it did intensify since the birth of the baby.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think your husbands views are coming from pressure (directly or indirectly) from your in-laws? Your SIL doesn't work, correct? Neither does your MIL? Do you think your husband may be embarrassed or ashamed in a way in you being the talk of the family so to speak?


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

iBolt said:


> IF things are accurate as you state them, then I totally feel for you. I have been a full time dad looking after my 3 kids after my divorce and ran a growing business at the same time. It's not easy.
> 
> My questions to you are these
> 
> ...


Accurately stated unfortunately since I need advice I am open and honest! I am dead tired, I don't have anything more to give except maybe trying to spend more romantic time together and being more affectionate? But its hard at this point since I don't feel lovingly and attracted towards him at all...I just feel numb. I can't even get myself to be intimate with him since I just honestly feel numb, and I have absolutely no desire. No we cannot speak calmly, one of us either gets emotional(me) or gets angry (him and me).no he has never being abusive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Do you think your husbands views are coming from pressure (directly or indirectly) from your in-laws? Your SIL doesn't work, correct? Neither does your MIL? Do you think your husband may be embarrassed or ashamed in a way in you being the talk of the family so to speak?


It is possible yes. I know my mil doesn't like me working at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Made us both some hot chocolate sat down calmly with my husband after I put the kids to bed and tried to calmly ask him what's up and why he is so against the working thing. He just got angry, walked away, and oh joy for the first time ever he is sleeping in a seperate bed tonight. Great, more issues
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

NovembeRain said:


> Accurately stated unfortunately since I need advice I am open and honest! I am dead tired, I don't have anything more to give except maybe trying to spend more romantic time together and being more affectionate? But its hard at this point since I don't feel lovingly and attracted towards him at all...I just feel numb. I can't even get myself to be intimate with him since I just honestly feel numb, and I have absolutely no desire. No we cannot speak calmly, one of us either gets emotional(me) or gets angry (him and me).no he has never being abusive
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As many on here would advise you, you should know that you only have control over yourself and what you do (or don't do). Heaven knows that I know it is hard but you have got to avoid contention. I honestly advise that you walk away if things start to get heated by saying something like:

"I am sorry. I feel we are simply arguing now and I take responsibility for my part in that. I really do not want to fight so I'd rather we talk when we are both a little calmer. I really want us to work this out but not in this manner..." or something to that effect.

I am not sure that you being intimate with him will resolve his insecurities or need for control. It may make it worse but you witholding intimacy may also do the same. The key, I think is for you to find out clearly what he really needs NOT want. Heck you may find out that you are not able to give him want he needs..then the real head scratching begins.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'll tell you this... It takes a very wise and emotionally mature man to stand up to his family and tell them to go kick rocks when it comes to his wife. He has to be confident in himself and his life choices and choice of a partner. I'm not sure your husband is up to the task of standing his ground with them, but he is certainly up to it standing his ground with you.

What can you do? You can be right or you can be happy, but not both. Maybe he thought after the second child came you would get the SAHM bug. Well it hasn't happened. Now he's miserable and so are you.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

NovembeRain said:


> Made us both some hot chocolate sat down calmly with my husband after I put the kids to bed and tried to calmly ask him what's up and why he is so against the working thing. He just got angry, walked away, and oh joy for the first time ever he is sleeping in a seperate bed tonight. Great, more issues
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I BEG YOU..if he goes to sleep in a separate room - let him go! DO NOT CHASE AFTER HIM. BEWARE OF CONTROL TACTICS!!! I speak from experience. Let him know that it is not your wish that he sleeps separately and you regret him choosing to do so BUT you will respect his wishes. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed. Prepare yourself well for his tantrums. Don't take it personally. Stay on top of and in control of your emotions


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

I didn't say anything. He is sleeping in front of the tv on the daybed. I just said goodnight and left. Stood up later walked past and saw some porn on the tv. One thing that he told me he would never tolerate in our marriage. Just told him,"nice stuff your watching" and left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> and the groceries was just a gesture from myself to help pay something of the home responsibilities.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I realize I come from a completely different situation than you... but this last statement.. kind of reeks of selfishness.

He pays all other bills? And what you contribute for groceries is "a gesture from myself"? I really hope you didn't mean it the way it sounded.

And you're way of solving the differences is to pay for what he feels is unnecessary. = Sorry, this is not solving any differences. This is avoiding talking to hubby about finances & coming to an agreement together. Don't pull the wool over your own eyes & think you are solving anything.

So anything he feels is necessary, you don't help pay for at all?


Gosh.. but you sound like my husband. 

I pay for the mortgage, gas &electric, water, phones (all... except my 19 yr old son's cell... this is house phone & two cell phones)...groceries, medical insurance, car insurance, life insurances, prescription medicines, doctor's co-pays, my car & gas, garbage pick up, tv cable & internet bill. He only pays for the gas in his truck, his cigarettes, his Menards card bill (which is probably delinquent now).. and what he owes his friends. He does not save for anything, so when the cars break down... guess who he expects to pay??!


All that being vented & off my chest.... I seriously look at most of your posts & do not see you as selfish as this one post sounded. 

But.. It really Really seems like it is more of a financial issue between you two. Not so much of an issue of him not wanting you to have the career. It sounds like he thought you would be a stay at home mom, and NOT a work from home mom, who cannot take care of the kids when he gets off work. He is resenting the financial obligation/ changes that have come about because of your decision... a decision he has made clear that he didn't like? & wouldn't support? and you did it anyway?
And now you are complaining because he doesn't like it and he doesn't get that it's all about you? Did I understand the situation correctly?

If so... I really really hope you two sit down & talk about family financials together. What are long term goals. What are short term goals (goals as a couple...).. Don't ask to sit down & talk to him about your own career goals.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

NovembeRain said:


> I do have a housekeeper. I would like to ask you a question though. Why are woman always expected to give up their dreams, and things they want to achieve in life. I studied hard and worked hard to do my own thing. As I said I already made a compromise that left me much worse off financially. I don't like my husbands job - crappy night time hoUrs sometimes but I would never ask him to give it up, because it makes him tick he loves his job! Why is it so wrong for me to want to achieve something with my life? Why is it that woman are always asked to let go of their careers and dreams? I get that my marriage is more important and if I had to make a choice I would pick my marriage, but isn't that a very selfish thing dor him to ask? For me to give up yet another 2 years of unnecessary studies, loads od money to cover that just to make a career change for him and now he changed his mind about me working. After I bought all of my equipment and built a office? After we agreed that this is what I was going to do? How can a person ask someone to give that up and give up their dreams to be a SAHM, if they know you will be miserable? I ust feel like he is somewhat sexist in expecting me to just jump and give up everything because he has a traditional idea of a role of a woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a question for you. Why did you marry a man like this? Why did you compromise? Don't blame YOUR decisions on HIM.

I never wanted to be a SAHM. That's not something I would ever compromise because working is very important to me. It would be a dealbreaker for me, plain and simple.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Going back & reading from the beginning again... really seems like his attitude started when you tried to "do you own thing"/ start your own business.. when he was clearly against it.

You did it anyway & circumvented his place as king of the household. You did it anyway & you are mad because he is not supporting your decision.

Did you expect him to lie down & let you walk all over him? And then get upset with him because he is reacting out of anger at your decision.

Why don't you go back to ignoring each other, you take care of the kids, so he doesn't have to after a hard day.. Get a sitter if you want "alone " time, or time to work without the pressures of family intruding on your business.

Then, all the much more sooner, you can go back to that living alone & being a single mom, that you loved so much... cause that's where I see it leading to. Unless you can start looking at things thru your husbands eyes.

Maybe not agree with him, but at least try to understand him.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you made a lot of compromises and feel very resentful about giving up your career when you got married. Now you are carrying that resentment around and using it to label your husband as sexist and selfish. He wants his wife to be a SAHM, period. That's not right or wrong, it's just what he wants. It doesn't make him sexist but it might mean that he married the wrong woman.

If you guys can't come up with a compromise on this, you will end up divorced. But walking around with a huge chip on your shoulder for giving up your career isn't going to help anything. YOU made that decision. It's on you to live with it.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> I realize I come from a completely different situation than you... but this last statement.. kind of reeks of selfishness.
> 
> He pays all other bills? And what you contribute for groceries is "a gesture from myself"? I really hope you didn't mean it the way it sounded.
> 
> ...



I don't pay other bills since I can't. We live in a small town and my income is limited. He prefers to pay for most of these things. I help where I can. My income is about R10000 to R15000 a month if I am lucky. His income is about R70000 a month he works full time I juggle working with kids respponsibilities. I am not selfish after heling with groceries and savings for the kids and stuff around the house I have about R500 left, nothing to save for tomorrow. If anything I believe he is selfish since he saves most of his money for himself- yes for himself to buy himself new car, new hunting gear etc. I may have used the wrong word "gesture" english is not my primary language. If he sometimes helps pay for renovations etc I would have something to save too. I would love to help with any financial obligations, necessary or unnecessary to him, but he wouldn't allow it, and even if I could like I said my income is limited. He has a transport businessn so his business is not limited to our location, which is why he does much better. I don't even think there is more than 200 to 250 people in a radius of 50km. The sexist remark is based on his comments and his view of what woman should be doing, he is also negative towards any program of empowering women or giving woman equal rights. I was not aware of this side of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> Going back & reading from the beginning again... really seems like his attitude started when you tried to "do you own thing"/ start your own business.. when he was clearly against it.
> 
> You did it anyway & circumvented his place as king of the household. You did it anyway & you are mad because he is not supporting your decision.
> 
> ...


There is some dynamics regarding the small town that you do not understand I am not walking over him at all! Instead are you asking me to let him walk completely over me? To allow him exactly what he wants?? There is no "sitter" in our location, just like there is pretty much nothing else, we are in a remote location. I did not love being a single mom - I did what I had to do to take care of my son. I have studied for nearly 7 years now, it cost me a fortune. He knew when he met me that I would want to work we did sit down with a counsellor before marriage and this was resolved. I acted accoringly and put in more money into studies, moving and a career change, sine I followed the counsellors advice, to find a way of working which is inside my husbands comfort zone. The counsellor made it clear that the way to go in this situation is not to expect him to allow me to work full time since he has issues from his previous marriage and has fixed ideas on where this would lead to. I also made it clear that asking me to give up working completely is not the way to go since I have put years and a lot of money into it and I love my job. He then asked my husband what is his limits and how and up to where would he feel comfortable. He said as long as I am home at night don't travel much and work from home he would be fine. We then put down some guidelines stuff that would be a deal breaker for both of us. So this issue was resolved at a counsellor. I never went ahead and "did it anyway." He is the one that has changed our agreement. Which is why I don't feel like lying down and letting him walk over me, I am not walking over him, I care about his feelings, we had several sessions, and I did make the necessary changes that he asked of me to make him feel comfortable with the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

I should also mention that bc of the small town dynamics, most men in our town have wives who work during the week in the town closest to us. Their wives come home over weekends. Most men in our town do not have wives who stay here permanently since we live in a remote area and these men have mentioned to my husband that he was lucky to have me staying here. This is the dynamics that you do not get. It was a big compromise I made to try to run something from here, and whatever money I do make goes straight to the kids, I help with the groceries and what is left is usually enough for a hair appointment every third month and my personal needs every month, whatever extra I have I use to renovate our family home. I don't think I am selfish. The men in our town who do have wives that stay here give them money monthly to take care of their needs and even these woman don't stay they are away visiting family for at least two weeks a month. We live in a very hard remote area. Women don't stick around here bc of the working and small town dynamics. Men have to work very hard to make a living here and most woman can't handle the remoteness. I really am trying my best and try to find solutions to every thing, no jobs- create my own, no fresh fruit and veggies? Plant my own. No shops, drive once a month to the nearest town to get what I need. No babysitters - juGgle things myself between me and the housekeeper. I mean I don't get what I am doing wrong???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Is it possible that someone is influencing him at work? I work with a guy who has a friend he goes fishing with. His friend is an a-one a-hole and every time the guy I work with comes back from a trip he is Mr Harda$$ with his reports. It wears off because the guy I work with is easily influenced and kinda dumb.
> 
> Your H's change makes me think of this.



Well he does work with his family(family business) both family members wives stay at home
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I don't get what I am doing wrong???


You're not getting the fact that your husband would prefer you not working. It's his family upbringing that the women don't work... it's what he knows.

Maybe he agreed with it at first... I'm sure after his family caught wind of it they gave him grief over it. He's not managing disappointing them well. He's not satisfied with what you're doing, even though you are managing it well. You can't MAKE him like it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

NovemberRain- I am sorry. I was replying out of my own frustrations with people taking financial advantage of other people. No, I can see you are not really doing that. Yes, maybe the word "gesture" kind of pinned me down on my mood about that. *Sorry*.

I would not want to live in such a rural small town setting as that. He doesn't want you to work in the closest larger town, yet he doesn't want you to work from within the house. 

Maybe he resents you trying to make something of yourself. That you are not "relying on him". Or not wanting to. He doesn't like the situation, so he avoids discussing it. Out of mind= don't have to talk about it = maybe it will go away. ?

Seems like it will be a matter of you finding your own path.

The distance (emotional distance) between you two might not last for a long time. Maybe, he just needs time to adjust to you doing this thing, even if he doesn't like it.

Maybe, if after a while you show him that being the success or making the business work, is not going to interfere with your importance as the wife of the house.... Maybe then he will grow to accept it and even admire you for it.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

NovembeRain said:


> I should also mention that bc of the small town dynamics, most men in our town have wives who work during the week in the town closest to us. Their wives come home over weekends. Most men in our town do not have wives who stay here permanently since we live in a remote area and these men have mentioned to my husband that he was lucky to have me staying here. This is the dynamics that you do not get. It was a big compromise I made to try to run something from here, and whatever money I do make goes straight to the kids, I help with the groceries and what is left is usually enough for a hair appointment every third month and my personal needs every month, whatever extra I have I use to renovate our family home. I don't think I am selfish. The men in our town who do have wives that stay here give them money monthly to take care of their needs and even these woman don't stay they are away visiting family for at least two weeks a month. We live in a very hard remote area. Women don't stick around here bc of the working and small town dynamics. Men have to work very hard to make a living here and most woman can't handle the remoteness. I really am trying my best and try to find solutions to every thing, no jobs- create my own, no fresh fruit and veggies? Plant my own. No shops, drive once a month to the nearest town to get what I need. No babysitters - juGgle things myself between me and the housekeeper. I mean I don't get what I am doing wrong???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How long did you know each other before the baby came along?


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

justonelife said:


> How long did you know each other before the baby came along?


About 4 years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

So for 4 years, he was a wonderful guy. Now 16 months into marriage, he's turned into a selfish, sexist man who doesn't care about your feelings? I don't understand how this is such a big change and shock to you now. You knew you were giving up your career, you knew you would be living in a small town and now you seem to be regretting those decisions and blaming your husband for it.

Have you considered going back to counseling? If you are so resentful in 16 months that you have no desire for your husband, this marriage will just continue to spiral downward. For the sake of your kids, you HAVE to find a way to get him to communicate and meet you halfway. 

Do you know why he doesn't want you to work? If you work at home, it can't be the cheating thing. What else is it? You can't begin to work on the problem if you don't know what the problem is.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> NovemberRain- I am sorry. I was replying out of my own frustrations with people taking financial advantage of other people. No, I can see you are not really doing that. Yes, maybe the word "gesture" kind of pinned me down on my mood about that. *Sorry*.
> 
> I would not want to live in such a rural small town setting as that. He doesn't want you to work in the closest larger town, yet he doesn't want you to work from within the house.
> 
> ...


Thank you no apology needed! I understand, sorry about the language barrier 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

justonelife said:


> So for 4 years, he was a wonderful guy. Now 16 months into marriage, he's turned into a selfish, sexist man who doesn't care about your feelings? I don't understand how this is such a big change and shock to you now. You knew you were giving up your career, you knew you would be living in a small town and now you seem to be regretting those decisions and blaming your husband for it.
> 
> Have you considered going back to counseling? If you are so resentful in 16 months that you have no desire for your husband, this marriage will just continue to spiral downward. For the sake of your kids, you HAVE to find a way to get him to communicate and meet you halfway.
> 
> Do you know why he doesn't want you to work? If you work at home, it can't be the cheating thing. What else is it? You can't begin to work on the problem if you don't know what the problem is.



We were dating long distance for 3 years married for just over a year we saw each other weekends. I did nt know I was giving up my career since I was working during those three years, and I only mentioned the working issue after the engagement, after which we went for counselling to resolve the issue.
I am a photographer with a small home studio, so clients equals potential for cheating maybe? I do get what you are saying that I chose to be his wife and live this life, and that it is unfair to feel the way I do. He is not the only guilty party I shouldn't be blaming him for a choice I made. But that doen't solve the problem and doesn't change the way I feel - I feel cheated, since what we agreed on and went for counselling for to avoid this situation, he has turned around and changed his mind
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

He was always such a gentleman, but its seems that his opinion of my has changed since thw working situation...and with that his attitude towards me. The counsellor did explain to me that he is "broken to the ground", "has no self-esteem" and that his previous marriage left scars that I will have to work around. I believe this is the biggest issue. Example: I wanted to get a tatoo, or start exercising and he immediately jumps to the conclusion that I am tired of him and I'm looking for greener fields.the counsellor believes that he assosiates diffrent things(sometimes places or even little things) with a bad experience. He also told me not to walk on eggshells around him or build my life around his bad experience but rather to remain determined to work around the scars and prove that I am diffrent. Would it help if I shared his background?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

NovembeRain said:


> He _(the counselor) _also told me not to walk on eggshells around him or build my life around his bad experience but rather to remain determined to work around the scars and prove that I am different.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds like very very solid advice. 

The act of him wanting to pout or give cold shoulder.. now almost sounds manipulative to see if you will give up your goals & chose him over your business. Keep on with what you are doing & try to still be the best wife you can be in the situation.

Keep working around those scars. Eventually the scars will fade & He'll be able to see the situation differently. Maybe even be proud of your work one day.

but, keep trying to be emotionally available for him. Sounds like he needs it.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Thank you all for the advice. I would just like to know - how do I get rid of these feelings I have towards him? How do I get myself to stop feeling like I don't want to be intimate etc? I know I need to fix it but how do I get rid of these feelings? How do I let go of this dissapointment and resentment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you turn it to compassion for him and what he went through? Instead of taking it personally, try to think of it as he is still triggering from his past and needs some time and help to overcome it.

Don't let the compassion turn to pity, though. That doesn't lead to thinking of him sexually, either.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Maybe it would be better if you "don't think about him" for a while.?

Don't know if that's really good advice, but if you struggle to have go for the time being.

About the not wanting to be intimate- does he still want to be intimate? If so.. ughh.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

NovembeRain said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I would just like to know - how do I get rid of these feelings I have towards him? How do I get myself to stop feeling like I don't want to be intimate etc? I know I need to fix it but how do I get rid of these feelings? How do I let go of this dissapointment and resentment?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you're dealing with a child that's frequently angry or upset, you don't become resentful of them. You try to figure out what's wrong with them and not take it personally. You realise they are a victim of their experiences. You end up with compassion not resentment. 


Seems your husband is a damaged man same as most folks you meet every day but some just know how to cope better. 

I noticed that no one has picked up on the porn thing you mentioned earlier. Are you cool with this? Is this a standard part of your relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NovembeRain said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I would just like to know - how do I get rid of these feelings I have towards him? How do I get myself to stop feeling like I don't want to be intimate etc? I know I need to fix it but how do I get rid of these feelings? How do I let go of this dissapointment and resentment?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Here is what is bothering me about this situation, that no one else seems to be....he does not seem to give a damn about being a father. His refusal to help you with the kids just sits wrong with me. He is the FATHER, being hands on with the kids should not be optional, or something that must be requested in the first place. By trying to "punish" you for doing your own business by refusing to help with the kids, he is actually punishing your children. 

You dont want to be a SAHM. There is nothing wrong with that. Imagine the hell that would come from suggesting that HE stay at home with the kids, while YOU go out to work! The horror! What I am confused about is why he was ok with you working from home, but once you started a business for yourself, it wasnt ok. You're still home, you're still taking care of the kids and home. Jealousy, maybe? 

I dont know. It always really rubs me the wrong way when dads dont do their part with their kids. Why do they think parenting is optional for them? (yes I know, its not ALL dads, thats not what I mean)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NovembeRain said:


> It is possible yes. I know my mil doesn't like me working at all
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Ok, then. This, combined with previous wife cheating on him = caveman keep cavewoman in cave for caveman's peace of mind.

Sounds to me like he went shopping for a companion to complete his image and stave off his mom and you fit the bill.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Here is what is bothering me about this situation, that no one else seems to be....he does not seem to give a damn about being a father. *His refusal to help you with the kids just sits wrong with me. He is the FATHER, being hands on with the kids should not be optional, or something that must be requested in the first place. By trying to "punish" you for doing your own business by refusing to help with the kids, he is actually punishing your children. *
> 
> You dont want to be a SAHM. There is nothing wrong with that. Imagine the hell that would come from suggesting that HE stay at home with the kids, while YOU go out to work! The horror! What I am confused about is why he was ok with you working from home, but once you started a business for yourself, it wasnt ok. You're still home, you're still taking care of the kids and home. Jealousy, maybe?
> 
> I dont know. It always really rubs me the wrong way when dads dont do their part with their kids. Why do they think parenting is optional for them? (yes I know, its not ALL dads, thats not what I mean)


It's not right, but you know what? He's not much different than a whole slew of parents that put the kids in the middle of their bullshyt. It's an immaturity issue, and it does nothing to help the situation, much less harm the kids in the long run. He is using what he thinks will affect her the most to CHANGE the situation to his favor... it absolutely is wrong, but he can add it to his ever growing list of wrongs in this situation.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

I agree. He does seem to believe its optional and on his free time while coming back after drinking with friends he just assumes that everything is my responsibility while he is out and while he is recovering from hangover. And he actually asks for sympathy for his hangover, I don't get this change in him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

I will try to be compassionate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

No the porn situation is not ok. He had a talk with me before marriage and this was one on a list of things that he said he would not tolerate in our marriage. Yet another thing he changed (only for himself though) rhe rules still apply to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Yes he is using the kids as well as not wanting to go visit my family which lives hours away. I havn't seen some of my family members for almost a year now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

He just apologized for not being supportive, and told me that he wants me to succeed with my business and promised to help out more with the kids. This is great....but I have heard this all before, why is he playing the see-saw game?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

NovembeRain said:


> He just apologized for not being supportive, and told me that he wants me to succeed with my business and promised to help out more with the kids. This is great....but I have heard this all before, why is he playing the see-saw game?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because he can, it seems...

Despite the fact that you run the home and care for the children, with little or no help from him _when he's home_, he objects to you having any outlet of your own - eg, your home business.

In one of your posts I noticed that you referred to money in Rands. If I'm correct, OP, you're living in a small town in South Africa, which is something that I did for 2 years when my son was very young and, after having had a career, I found this mind blowingly difficult...

You compromised by becoming a SAHM, what compromises has your H made?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NovembeRain said:


> why is he playing the see-saw game?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because he sees you pulling away.

You have to TEACH him how to respect you. Not putting up with his BS is a great way to teach him.


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## NovembeRain (Jul 5, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies. I have decided to go back to MC and try to resolve this, and take my husband up on the compromise and guidelines he put down for me that he would be comfortable to work with.
Had a session - and it is an independence issue, so we are going back to the guidelines that i have been following closely, and counsellor reminded us of each others "baggage" and reminded us that some scars change they way a person sees things and to be sensitive about that. he also ask my husband whether i have ben following the guidelines he set out for me, or whether i was doing anything that we did not agree upon. he answered that i was following the guidelines. the counsellor then said that in that case his way of thinking is "irrational" since i did exactly what he asked of me. he also said that irrational thoughts are the hardest to break and that i will have to be patient. At this point he promised to help with the kids and to give me a opportunity to do something. the counsellor reminded him that he does two activities a year of two weeks each day and night that i had a traumatic experience with as a child, but i still don't try to take that away from him because i know he loves doing it.
He admitted that he hasn't been supportive. we are now back at square one, of doing little things for each other each day, trying to be the best we both can be, being sensitive towards each others feelings. At this point its hard since the actions don't follow feelings, but i am hoping that in a while the feelings will follow the actions.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I think that you are headed in the right direction and that your counselor is worth the money. From reading your post it seems that your husband is way off. However, I know that there are always two sides to the story and your counselor alluded to this when he said 


> *“Counselor reminded us of each others "baggage"”*


It appears that your husband has been severely affected by his previous marriage. However, he seems to have given you a lot of hope with his latest actions of: 



> *he promised to help with the kids and to give me a opportunity to do something.
> 
> He admitted that he hasn't been supportive.*


Saying those things proves that he does not have a closed mind.



Blunt


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to take this opportunity to get a posterboard and write out everything that needs to be done on a weekly basis. Write it all down, in one column. Put other columns for him and for you, for what you will be responsible for. Ask him to put a check on the items he will take care of.


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