# I am frustrated walkaway wife



## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

I have just come across this term. 

I am the walkway wife in my 3 relationships. But having discovered this term and read many articles on the same, all the articles seem to suggest that the walkaway partner needs to give the ignorant partner yet another chance because they have 'finally' realised their mistake and I think that is ********. If this ignorant partner chose to intentionally ignore your concerns, hurt, pleading, negotiating, cries to make the relationship/marriage work, they will not change. Its the discomfort of change they prefer not to face and they will pretend for a bit and go back to their default settings of indifference, not caring, no effort, (which is emotional abuse). 

My ignorant husband didn't learn from his first marriage where she also was a walkaway wife. If he didn't 'transform' and make a great 2nd husband like the articles say, why would I stay? Infact, he completely disengaged from our marriage because his 1st wife left. Hus excuse fir not giving his all in the marriage was that I'd still leave him, guess what, I did. So his way of coping was not to engage in our Marriage completely and despite counselling and him being told I will leave if he doesn't engage, he is still shocked that I left! Go figure. Walkaway wife Syndrome should go hand in hand with narcissists because the ignorant partner has narcissistic traits.

That said, I left and went to a shelter because of his emotional abuse and perceived danger to my life with his threats of suicide if I left him. I filed a Temporary Protective Order and in court he claimed that he had been trying to find me to divorce me and the judge dismissed my case for an extension. I them got a divorce lawyer who was willing to even draw his paperwork to expedite the divorce but now my husband is ignoring my lawyers calls, emails, text. This is how our entire marriage has been, him saying one thing but his actions are opposite. The counsellor said he is passive aggressive. Now that he knows I want a divorce, he doesn't want to give it to me. I'm in Georgia, penniless and my lawyer will do it probono only if it is uncontested. Any advice on how to resolve this? I've written emails to him which he is ignoring despite earlier emails from him wanting to talk about divorce 🙄. I need support and encouragement.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Get a job and move on with your life. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Yeah, you're going to need money. He doesn't have to agree to the divorce, but then it's not an uncontested divorce. Stop worrying so much about the psychology of your situation and focus, instead, on staying safe.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Get a job and move on with your life. 🤷🏼‍♀️


It's not as easy as it seems. There is alot I can't write about.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Queenhappiness said:


> It's not as easy as it seems. There is alot I can't write about.


Perhaps disclose what you can so more sage advise can be given.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Queenhappiness said:


> I have just come across this term.
> 
> *I am the walkway wife in my 3 relationships. *But having discovered this term and read many articles on the same, all the articles seem to suggest that the walkaway partner needs to give the ignorant partner yet another chance because they have 'finally' realised their mistake and I think that is ******. If this ignorant partner chose to intentionally ignore your concerns, hurt, pleading, negotiating, cries to make the relationship/marriage work, they will not change. Its the discomfort of change they prefer not to face and they will pretend for a bit and go back to their default settings of indifference, not caring, no effort, (which is emotional abuse).


3 times? Sounds like you have yourself a problem. Bad picker? Or bad wife. 
one of the two.

Get a job and move on is about all anyone can suggest. Few attorneys will work for free.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> 3 times? Sounds like you have yourself a problem. Bad picker? Or bad wife.
> one of the two.
> 
> Get a job and move on is about all anyone can suggest. Few attorneys will work for free.


Bad picker. This is my first marriage though. Through therapy I've realised I pick damaged men and I try to love them the way they were never loved by parents or other partners. In my mind, I figure if I love them, they'll love me back. Its never the case. Infact, the more loving and selfless I become, the more they resent me. But when I withdraw because of their indifference that's when they reach out but it never lasts. I'm owning my part that I need to pick partners who are committed to the relationship as I am I.e. emotionally healthy individuals. At the moment, I'm trying to get out of a controlling and abusive situation. 

For those telling me to work, I've had a successful banking career before and gave it up to try and make my marriage work. Right now I'm unable to work due to circumstances beyond my control. I'm seeking advice on how to navigate a passive aggressive husband who is deliberately trying not to be found as he moved from our marital home days after I went into a shelter. It took 2 months to serve the TPO because he was inconsistent showing up at work as well.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Yeah, you're going to need money. He doesn't have to agree to the divorce, but then it's not an uncontested divorce. Stop worrying so much about the psychology of your situation and focus, instead, on staying safe.


Its hard not trying to understand what went wrong with your marriage, wanting to affirm that you made the right decision. I'm safe right now and intend to be so. Thank you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Queenhappiness said:


> Bad picker. This is my first marriage though. Through therapy I've realised I pick damaged men and I try to love them the way they were never loved by parents or other partners. In my mind, I figure if I love them, they'll love me back. Its never the case. Infact, the more loving and selfless I become, the more they resent me. But when I withdraw because of their indifference that's when they reach out but it never lasts. I'm owning my part that I need to pick partners who are committed to the relationship as I am I.e. emotionally healthy individuals. At the moment, I'm trying to get out of a controlling and abusive situation.
> 
> For those telling me to work, I've had a successful banking career before and gave it up to try and make my marriage work. Right now I'm unable to work due to circumstances beyond my control. I'm seeking advice on how to navigate a passive aggressive husband who is deliberately trying not to be found as he moved from our marital home days after I went into a shelter. It took 2 months to serve the TPO because he was inconsistent showing up at work as well.


Have you moved back into the marital home?


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Have you moved back into the marital home?


No! Never! Why would I go back to abuse. I'm in a shelter right now, moving into a transitional home. I left everything and not even asking for anything during divorce. I just want out so I can start over in peace. Also, we don't know where he moved to since we were renting and moved out days after I did.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

How long ago was this? If he moved out, why wouldn’t you go back to get your things?

Your things should still be at the house for a white. Just because he moved out, there should still be a lease. And even if unpaid, the landlord can’t just dump your stuff for a while.

Didn’t you taking some money when you left? Do you not have access to your accounts?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Queenhappiness said:


> perceived danger to my life with his threats of suicide if I left him. I filed a Temporary Protective Order and in court he claimed that he had been trying to find me to divorce me and the judge dismissed my case for an extension.


Perception is different than reality, maybe the judge saw this and ruled to dismiss for lack of being able to prove abuse? It's very difficult to obtain protective orders based solely on emotional abuse. Threats and physical abuse are a different matter.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why exactly did you have to give up a good job to "make your marriage work"?

Now you're here wanting to know how to resume your life without working. The advice is going to be dependent on why you can't work. If you won't give us some idea of what's going on its going to be difficult to advise you.

FWIW my ex was also extremely passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. He too ignored everything and played dumb any time I was upset. There's a lot more to it but he too was shocked when I left him. In fact, when i told him I wanted a divorce he pretended like he didn't hear me...tried to kiss me, asked me to come to bed, and started talking about weekend plans with me.

So I understand people like this. I got out because I have a job.

You need income, whether it's a job or disability. Why can't you work?


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> How long ago was this? If he moved out, why wouldn’t you go back to get your things?
> 
> Your things should still be at the house for a white. Just because he moved out, there should still be a lease. And even if unpaid, the landlord can’t just dump your stuff for a while.
> 
> Didn’t you taking some money when you left? Do you not have access to your accounts?


Its been 3 months. As far as I know, he moved everything including my things to the new place and has refused to tell me where he moved to. He signed a new lease while I was still there without my knowledge. He controlled everything. What part of abuse dont you understand? Our joint account is empty and my move was to escape because I was losing my mind. Even tampons I had to ask for.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Get a job, any job.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why exactly did you have to give up a good job to "make your marriage work"?
> 
> Now you're here wanting to know how to resume your life without working. The advice is going to be dependent on why you can't work. If you won't give us some idea of what's going on its going to be difficult to advise you.
> 
> ...


I gave up my career to move and live with him in the US. I am unable to work because I don't have the documentation to and I don't believe in under the table jobs because I need to do things right. That's why I am seeking divorce because I cant leave the country without it being finalised lest he claims dissertation. I'm stuck. I have travelled around the world, been to 22 different countries and I had been to USA 🇺🇸 several times before I met him but I met him here while visiting a friend. I gave up alot hoping this would work because he wanted a housewife and babies but stopped having sex with me a month after I relocated to be with him. 

This whole discussion has become about me instead of how to go around divorcing him or how to get him served when he is evading it because I just want to move on and he is determined to make it miserable for me just to intentionally frustrate me and keep me hanging because he knows I'm stuck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What I would do is appeal to his narcissism. Tell him that he is a good man and deserves a woman who will love him exactly as he is. You regret you can not be the wife he needs and wish to release him from his promises so that he can feel free to pursue his much deserved happiness. Flatter the hell out of him.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> What I would do is appeal to his narcissism. Tell him that he is a good man and deserves a woman who will love him exactly as he is. You regret you can not be the wife he needs and wish to release him from his promises so that he can feel free to pursue his much deserved happiness. Flatter the hell out of him.


I did. I wrote him an email (I changed my number because he was using that to track and stalk me) and told him that I wasn't the wife he wanted me to be and I wanted him to be happy and to find someone who would appreciate him as he was. When I tell you I have tried everything, I mean it. He just feeds off knowing what I want and purposely doing the exact opposite. Let me give examples: when we were dating, we'd agreed no kids. I have a child from a previous relationship and lives with the dad. He told me he didn't want kids, I was his 2nd marriage and his 1st wife never got pregnant. So we get married and he convinces me to have a baby and pressure from our parents, I eventually agree. We buy conception enhancing pulls for both of us and I start taking mine, even get ovulation tests etc. I take mine for 2 months, he doesn't even take his. We are not even having sex. When I ask why, I get a blank stare, like I'm talking a foreign language. I get frustrated and I stop taking the pills, he notices and is suddenly interested in babies again and wants us to try. He starts taking his pills but I don't trust him so I start counting his pills and guess what, he isn't taking them just shaking the bottles so I think he is taking them. I confront him and he accuses me of not trusting him and refuses to address the fact that he is lying about taking his pills! This is how he operates. When confronted about a lie he either twists it to blame me or gives me a blank stare and silence. 

During counsellor he agreed to go but never engaged in the sessions. He would be asked questions and wouldn't respond. But he'd call his mum and say we went for sessions creating an illusion that he was attending counselling but he never engaged in them. He was always the perfect husband outside, holding my hand etc but as soon as we dropped his parents home he'd disengage, not talk to me, ignore me on our way home, sleep on the couch for months etc. Sickening just writing and reliving the experience.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Queenhappiness said:


> I gave up my career to move and live with him in the US. I am unable to work because I don't have the documentation to and I don't believe in under the table jobs because I need to do things right. That's why I am seeking divorce because I cant leave the country without it being finalised lest he claims dissertation. I'm stuck. I have travelled around the world, been to 22 different countries and I had been to USA 🇺🇸 several times before I met him but I met him here while visiting a friend. I gave up alot hoping this would work because he wanted a housewife and babies but stopped having sex with me a month after I relocated to be with him.
> 
> This whole discussion has become about me instead of how to go around divorcing him or how to get him served when he is evading it because I just want to move on and he is determined to make it miserable for me just to intentionally frustrate me and keep me hanging because he knows I'm stuck.


So what if he claims desertion?

People go back to their home countries while pursuing divorce all the time. Are you trying to get money or property out of him?

What's the worst that will happen if you leave and go home to your country?


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Have you ever been an non American in America? Have you ever been a American anywhere other than in America? Do you know the pressures of doing things right in a country thats not your home? 

Legal advice is I stay and leave the right way if I ever plan to come here again or visit countries who are allies to US because if I'm blacklisted here, I get blacklisted in many places. I'm trying to do thinks rationally and not emotionally. The "what's the worst thing that can happen " is an emotional question rather than rational, in my opinion. As for desertion, I dont want to be responsible for the failure of my marriage because I wasn't. He is hoping to exhaust me and play victim as usual. For me its not even what family think, its my immigration process. I'm currently here as a spouse to a citizen and not a visitor anymore. I need to do things right. 

I also don't want to be married indefinitely. From my understanding, both of us being in the same state GA, speeds up the divorce process and it will take even longer if I'm outside the country. I'm seeking closure and moving on, a clean break out from this disaster and without hiding my face in the sand and pretending this isn't happening. 

Again, I'd love to get advice from anyone who has been in a situation where their spouse is refusing divorce and how they went about it. If I go to court, it will be long and expensive and I'd like that to be the last resort. Any other advice, tips, tricks, experiences? I'm not sensing any compassion or empathy and actually feels like I'm defending myself.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mmmm, the excuses are strong with this one.

How can anyone help you when all you do is throw up excuses and reasons why the suggestions won’t work and that you have no options and no resources? 
Maybe I’m wrong, but you seem more interested in having a pity party and focusing on what you can’t do and what won’t work, then actually taking action and doing hard work to improve your situation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm failing to see how asking about the worst that cam happen is emotional. I'd argue its quite logical....you analyze risks vs rewards and make a decision from that.

Arguing that you must do things "the right way" is very emotional without very good reasons which is why I asked.

Are you from a country that is on poor terms with the US?

What kind of compassion are you looking for? I'm sorry your husband is a piece of ****. My ex was the same so I understand. But you have a guy who is refusing to answer anything so what are you going to do with him? Do you have any family that can lend you some money?

Do you not want to stay in your home country?

I've never heard of someone getting blacklisted simply because they went back to their home country....people do that all the time. Unless it's a country with travel restrictions.

Are you from the middle east?


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> So what if he claims desertion?
> 
> People go back to their home countries while pursuing divorce all the time. Are you trying to get money or property out of him?
> 
> What's the worst that will happen if you leave and go home to your country?


And no, I'm not asking for anything despite my lawyers advice on what I'm entitled to. I just want out. No alimony, no money, no property, I just want to be divorced. My lawyer sent him an email saying that but we are seeking uncontested and we need my husband's cooperation which he isn't giving to us. All I want from the home us my currency collection that I've done since I was 13yrs, I'm in my 40s now. He can keep everything else. You might ask why I didn't carry it, well, when I was leaving because of an abusive incident the shelter told me to carry my documents and essentials and I never even thought about my currency until a month after I left. And I left with an officer present because I feared for my life and he never asked why I was living because he pretends to be the good guy in public. 

Despite removing license plate from the car so I can't drive, blocking the car (I have pictures of these incidences), preventing me from having friends or engaging in any empowering activity like higher education etc his messages and emails to me after I left are all feigning concern. He knows I have no money but deposits and withdraws money from our joint account. I know because I have online access. He has only written one email 2 months after I left claiming he is seeking help for his issues but I told him I dont trust him he quickly went to "then let's get divorced" so that's I'm doing and he is now not responding to me. Its a sick and extremely exhausting situation. I don't even know how his ex wife survived 4yrs. She also one day just upped and left. I reached out to her and asked her what their issues were and she says they just weren't compatible but defends him saying he is a good man. And when I ask why them did she chose to just run away if they were such good friends and she says she didn't want to hurt him 🙄. My husband still calls her his best friend despite her leaving and they are still in communication. But I was never his best friend 😔.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Mmmm, the excuses are strong with this one.
> 
> How can anyone help you when all you do is throw up excuses and reasons why the suggestions won’t work and that you have no options and no resources?
> Maybe I’m wrong, but you seem more interested in having a pity party and focusing on what you can’t do and what won’t work, then actually taking action and doing hard work to improve your situation.


Okay. So your advice would be I leave the country, get back home, work, save up and start the process of contested divorce hoping I even know then which state he is in. Just give up and hope for the best. Got it. Thanks. But no thanks. I want to resolve this while I'm still here, while its still fresh and I at least know where he works.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm failing to see how asking about the worst that cam happen is emotional. I'd argue its quite logical....you analyze risks vs rewards and make a decision from that.
> 
> Arguing that you must do things "the right way" is very emotional without very good reasons which is why I asked.
> 
> ...


No. I'm from an African country with good relations with the US. But immigration rules still apply. I'm not talking from ignorance and actually in contact with an organisation that deals with immigrants and such situations. Thats how I got a probono lawyer for an uncontested divorce who is willing to draw his papers too. We were all hoping he would oblige because his emails were talking about wanting to divorce. But now I understand he is driven by control. He needs to feel in control and he is doing a great job because here I am in a forum I was hoping to get insights on how to deal with a difficult spouse and all I am doing is defending myself. Maybe some of you are the difficult spouse! 

I'd prefer to hear that I have no way of getting out of this unless I go to court and it will cost xxxx amount as opposed to just give up and move on. Getting a solution is important for me and that what I hoped to get here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Queenhappiness said:


> Okay. So your advice would be I leave the country, get back home, work, save up and start the process of contested divorce hoping I even know then which state he is in. Just give up and hope for the best. Got it. Thanks. But no thanks. I want to resolve this while I'm still here, while its still fresh and I at least know where he works.


Ok then...you've made your decision. It is your decision to make.

It's an enormous risk to up and leave your country and allow yourself to be completely dependent as you are finding out.

I don't think I'd make the decision you've making....the price on your life is too high. But you are of course free to do what you think is best.

I hope you get your currency collection back, though I suspect you won't unless you get into the house and grab it. An abuser isn't going to give you anything willingly. It may unfortunately be a casualty of this failed experiment. Just remember that it's not worth years of your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since he apparently doesn’t want a divorce, which removes uncontested, the other option is contested and that means a trial. How much that will cost depends but it could be a substantial amount.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Queenhappiness said:


> No. I'm from an African country with good relations with the US. But immigration rules still apply. I'm not talking from ignorance and actually in contact with an organisation that deals with immigrants and such situations. Thats how I got a probono lawyer for an uncontested divorce who is willing to draw his papers too. We were all hoping he would oblige because his emails were talking about wanting to divorce. But now I understand he is driven by control. He needs to feel in control and he is doing a great job because here I am in a forum I was hoping to get insights on how to deal with a difficult spouse and all I am doing is defending myself. Maybe some of you are the difficult spouse!
> 
> I'd prefer to hear that I have no way of getting out of this unless I go to court and it will cost xxxx amount as opposed to just give up and move on. Getting a solution is important for me and that what I hoped to get here.


Many of us have in fact dealt with difficult spouses and frankly insulting people here won't get you anything.

I played hardball with my ex and appealed to his desire to look like a nice guy. He didn't want me telling everyone what a scumbag he is so he signed everything.

You have a lawyer and have chosen your path so unless you have someone kind of leverage to make him look like a slimeball to his friends and family there probably isn't much you can do beyond follow your lawyer's advice.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Many of us have in fact dealt with difficult spouses and frankly insulting people here won't get you anything.
> 
> I played hardball with my ex and appealed to his desire to look like a nice guy. He didn't want me telling everyone what a scumbag he is so he signed everything.
> 
> You have a lawyer and have chosen your path so unless you have someone kind of leverage to make him look like a slimeball to his friends and family there probably isn't much you can do beyond follow your lawyer's advice.


Thank you. This is the FIRST advice catering to my situation. I know he is close to his mum and he didn't want her involved in our situation so maybe I should pursue reaching out to him. Thank you, I didn't think about that.

He had no friends except his ex wife and I think she prefers to see him as a 'great guy' so that won't work. 

I didn't mean to insult people here but probably I wasn't communicating well enough so I was getting responses that weren't meeting my need.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I stopped reading after woe is me, narcissist, no job and I’ve done this many times already.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Since he apparently doesn’t want a divorce, which removes uncontested, the other option is contested and that means a trial. How much that will cost depends but it could be a substantial amount.


Thank you for this. I guess I need to gather funds then because I prefer selling a kidney than giving up and letting my husband stay tied to me indefinitely.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I stopped reading after woe is me, narcissist, no job and I’ve done this many times already.


Thank you for your time. I hope you find a more endearing post to comment on.


RebuildingMe said:


> I stopped reading after woe is me, narcissist, no job and I’ve done this many times already.


I've gone through your profile and it makes sense why you react like this. Good luck with your divorce, but your wife needs the luck even more.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Queenhappiness said:


> I've gone through your profile and it makes sense why you react like this. Good luck with your divorce, but your wife needs the luck even more.


When your first sentence is that you’ve already done this three times, what advice can we give you? You should be a pro at this, no?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Queenhappiness said:


> Thank you. This is the FIRST advice catering to my situation. I know he is close to his mum and he didn't want her involved in our situation so maybe I should pursue reaching out to him. Thank you, I didn't think about that.
> 
> He had no friends except his ex wife and I think she prefers to see him as a 'great guy' so that won't work.
> 
> I didn't mean to insult people here but probably I wasn't communicating well enough so I was getting responses that weren't meeting my need.


I understand, you're frustrated.

How close are you to his mom? Would she listen if you gave her a sob story about how nasty he's being?

If you need some entertainment you are welcome to read my story. You'll see the things I dealt with.

Is it that you're here on a spouse visa and if you leave you'd need to start the immigration process again?

Does your country have a consulate here you could visit?

If there's some way you could start causing him trouble that might give you some leverage. Legally of course.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> When your first sentence is that you’ve already done this three times, what advice can we give you? You should be a pro at this, no?


2 in a relationship, 1 in a marriage. I've never been divorced, my culture doesn't divorce they just stay unhappy competing who can make the other more miserable than the other. I didn't even know he can "not want a divorce ". This is all new to me. That why I googled divorce support groups because I was hoping to find people in a similar situation. 

And with the 3 times, I decided to seek help because I clearly have a problem and I've admitted that in earlier posts that I seek damaged men and I try to make them feel better or heal or fix them and now I know I should seek emotionally healthy individuals who understand love, relationship, commitment and don't have abandonment issues. I'm acknowledging my part in this. I'm seeking to close this door right now so I can move on.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand, you're frustrated.
> 
> How close are you to his mom? Would she listen if you gave her a sob story about how nasty he's being?
> 
> ...


Finally, real comments. 

His mum loves me as far as I know. She's been great. But once I got tired of putting up a show he discontinued dinners with his family. He is his mother's only child and he us really a perfect son so I'm afraid she might not believe a word i say. Though she did notice I was unhappy and called him out and that when he discontinued any interaction with us and his parents. I have to mention that my culture is big on keeping your dirty laundry private so it was hard for me to approach his mum. I regret that I didn't tell him mum when he was being real nasty to me. Hindsight is 20-20. But now I think I'll have to get the courage and reach out to her hoping he hasn't played victim and said I abandoned him lol. Either way, I'm hoping she'll be sensible enough to tell him to just let me go even if she thinks I'm a terrible wife...why hold on to me if I'm so bad!

Yes, I'm in the middle of an immigration process and if I leave I might not be able to reenter the US and I have no intention of jeopardising that because of him especially because I've been visiting here way before I met him. So I need to do things the right way. 

Yes, my country has a consulate but in DC, that won't help me unless I'm seeking a passport. Immigration is not my problem because my status is being worked on since I'm seperated from him now. I'm here legally and would like to keep it that way.

Making trouble? Do you know why I was abused? Because I don't like trouble. That's why I'm the perfect bait. So if I'm so reluctant to tell him mum that he is a piece of ****, you can imagine my dilemma of causing trouble. But I guess I need to put on the big girl pants and cause trouble because he is comfortable that I won't embarrass him so that why he is misbehaving. Any pointers other than calling his mum, hoping she listens to me. His ex wife is a no go and I think she's in denial about who he is. Maybe his work place? I just can't get in trouble with law enforcement.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok then...you've made your decision. It is your decision to make.
> 
> It's an enormous risk to up and leave your country and allow yourself to be completely dependent as you are finding out.
> 
> ...


I have been single most of my life. Got married in my late 30s almost 40 and yes, I took a risk. I listened to everyone who told me I had a problem because I never took risks in rships. Unfortunately I risked with the wrong person. Marriage is a risk, I've learned this the most painful way. I have also acknowledged that he was the wrong person and that a happy marriage is possible. At least I need to tell myself that so I don't dispare. After my relationship with my daughter's father failed I didn't get into a relationship for 8 years. I know what commitment phobia can do and I don't want to dispare like I did. That's why I had to get to the root of the problem and not just blame others for my failed relationships. It takes 2. 

I'm a runner, I walk away. Doing the same thing and expect different results is insanity. This time I'm resolving this. You think living in a shelter depending on others is easy for someone who has been independent and successful is easy? Staying here and not saying "**** it" is getting out of my comfort zone. I'm deciding to stay and fight and do things right and not just get intimidated and walk away. 

My husband NEVER expected me to leave because I had nothing, no money, no security and he knows I like a life of comfort because he found me comfortable. Contrary to what people think, people outside US can live comfortably. The fact that I have been able to travel around the world and I require a visa to prove that I'm financially stable and I've done that in 22 countries shows I'm not poor. And the assumption that I'm free loading is insulting. My husband's 1st flight out of US was coming to visit me in my country. I've worked in Africa, Asia and Europe. Worked in a career and not at a fast food restaurant making ends meet. Living in a shelter is the lowest I've ever gone but leaving and ignoring my situation would be the most cowardly thing I can do but I'm chasing the discomfort just to do things right. 

So I'm hoping for support in that direction please. And I apologise for not going into so much detail at the beginning because its just not how I know.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Queenhappiness said:


> I have just come across this term.
> 
> I am the walkway wife in my 3 relationships. But having discovered this term and read many articles on the same, all the articles seem to suggest that the walkaway partner needs to give the ignorant partner yet another chance because they have 'finally' realised their mistake and I think that is ******. If this ignorant partner chose to intentionally ignore your concerns, hurt, pleading, negotiating, cries to make the relationship/marriage work, they will not change. Its the discomfort of change they prefer not to face and they will pretend for a bit and go back to their default settings of indifference, not caring, no effort, (which is emotional abuse).
> 
> ...


This may have already been said as I have only read the opening post.

You want support and encouragement? Take a long hard look at yourself.

Walking away from three different relationships for the same problem tells me you need to fix your picker. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> This may have already been said as I have only read the opening post.
> 
> You want support and encouragement? Take a long hard look at yourself.
> 
> ...


Read the whole thread, I've already owned and acknowledged my fault in this. But thank you for saying it, most people just blame instead of realising it takes TWO to tango.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm a foreigner married to an American.

What's your immigration status at this moment? Did you apply for a green card or are you a green card holder?

If you haven't adjusted your immigration status you need to talk to an immigration lawyer and see how you can move forward.
This lawyer can also advise you on everything related to leaving the country while married.

I know a woman who is in the process of getting divorced while on a conditional green card. I know she has proof of domestic abuse and she's using this information to lift the conditional status of her green card.

You probably can leave the country and get a divorce while you live outside the US. You'll have to do this through the embassy in your country. It might be better than staying here broke and in immigration limbo.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Queenhappiness said:


> Bad picker. This is my first marriage though. Through therapy I've realised I pick damaged men and I try to love them the way they were never loved by parents or other partners. In my mind, I figure if I love them, they'll love me back. Its never the case. Infact, the more loving and selfless I become, the more they resent me. But when I withdraw because of their indifference that's when they reach out but it never lasts. I'm owning my part that I need to pick partners who are committed to the relationship as I am I.e. emotionally healthy individuals. At the moment, I'm trying to get out of a controlling and abusive situation.
> 
> For those telling me to work, I've had a successful banking career before and gave it up to try and make my marriage work. Right now I'm unable to work due to circumstances beyond my control. I'm seeking advice on how to navigate a passive aggressive husband who is deliberately trying not to be found as he moved from our marital home days after I went into a shelter. It took 2 months to serve the TPO because he was inconsistent showing up at work as well.


#1 - Have a higher standard when you choose men

#2 - Why in the world would you quit your perfectly good job to work on your marriage? People are able to work AND be married successfully or unsuccessfully. My XH also wanted to quit his very interesting and successful career when we got married, because he said that he couldn't work and be married at the same time. WTH?!?

#3 - Good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship with someone who is controlling. That's not fun (been there, was married to that). When the time is right, look for someone with both feet on the ground, who has a job, is mentally and physically healthy. It makes all the difference in a relationship!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Queenhappiness said:


> Okay. So your advice would be I leave the country, get back home, work, save up and start the process of contested divorce hoping I even know then which state he is in. Just give up and hope for the best. Got it. Thanks. But no thanks. *I want to resolve this while I'm still here, while its still fresh and I at least know where he works.*


If you know where he works, could you have him served divorce papers there? Could you go there (with an escort) to talk to him and see what's up? I know it's not the most ideal place to do this, but if this is the only place you know where to find him, he's not giving you much choice.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> 3 times? Sounds like you have yourself a problem. Bad picker? Or bad wife.
> one of the two.


Yes, this exactly.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Ursula said:


> If you know where he works, could you have him served divorce papers there? Could you go there (with an escort) to talk to him and see what's up? I know it's not the most ideal place to do this, but if this is the only place you know where to find him, he's not giving you much choice.


Like I mentioned previously, it took 2 months to serve him at work for the TPO because he wasn't regularly showing up at his job. He's smarter than we all thought. And now that he knows he can be served there, I wouldn't be surprised if he asks for another transfer and we won't know where he is. I tried calling his parents and it went to voicemail and they haven't called me back. I guess he gave them some sob story. Also he used to work 3x a week Friday through to Monday as a warehouse manager so if he skips that shift its 2 weeks of wait.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Ursula said:


> #1 - Have a higher standard when you choose men
> 
> #2 - Why in the world would you quit your perfectly good job to work on your marriage? People are able to work AND be married successfully or unsuccessfully. My XH also wanted to quit his very interesting and successful career when we got married, because he said that he couldn't work and be married at the same time. WTH?!?
> 
> #3 - Good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship with someone who is controlling. That's not fun (been there, was married to that). When the time is right, look for someone with both feet on the ground, who has a job, is mentally and physically healthy. It makes all the difference in a relationship!


1. Yes. I have learnt my lesson and owned up to being a terrible picker. Its not my job to fix men.
2. I moved to USA so I had to leave my job. I couldn't work until my paperwork was filed and I left before it was complete. 
3. Our 1st yr of marriage was long distance because he didn't want us living in the same country 😕 When I threatened divorce because that's not how I intended my marriage to be, that's when he agreed to me moving here because he still had school and aging parents. I didn't see my husband our 1st year of marriage also because of covid. With the first month of moving here sex stopped and I believed its because I refused anal sex. I think my husband is closet gay because I've found him reading gay erotica and he's mentioned being curious about gay sex where he is the bottom. When I refused anal sex he started sleeping on the couch pretending to accidentally fall asleep. I am a very attractive and fit lady and this was the first time ever being rejected sexually and by my husband. He would literally act like I didn't exist. I'd talk to him and he'd look at me and back on his phone. If he wasn't at work, he was on the couch on his phone except for when we had dinner with his parents and he was suddenly a loving, PDA husband until we left. To tell you being ignored beat at my self worth and esteem is an understatement. I took to drinking to cope for about 3 months. Then I stopped and said f-it and started walking, eating clean like I used to and moved out of the master which he wasn't sleeping in anyway. He noticed and started paying attention to me and i was happy for a day or 2 and the moment I was loving again, he was back on the couch ignoring me. I asked for counselling and he agreed but never engaged especially after the counsellor advised that I should get a hobby and make friends. The abuse got worse during counselling as he was losing control over me. The more I walked, the better I felt, the happier I got minding my business the more hate and contempt I got and he started accusing me of cheating. This coming from a man who told me he fantasised about having a black **** up his ass! Go figure. He would 'accidentally' carry my car key to work so that I wouldn't drive, not pay the credit card so it got declined when I went food shopping. It was a disaster. I joined a walking group and opened up about my experience and they are the ones who told me it was abuse. They helped me get a shelter and here I am. Its not even 2yrs and 1yr we spent separate. 

I will never go back. I've learnt about myself in this process and I have owned it and I have no intention of repeating this cycle. Unfortunately because I was in the middle of my immigration process I need to wait so I'm waiting. His refusal to coorporate with the divorce is purely power play that abusers do. I'm learning alot about abuse so that I don't repeat the cycle. 

Thanks for the advice.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ask your attorney if it’s possible to publish notice of the divorce in the local newspaper giving him 30 days to respond. At least that’s how I remember it used to be done when the defendant couldn’t be served but I’m not sure if it still applies.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Queenhappiness said:


> 1. Yes. I have learnt my lesson and owned up to being a terrible picker. Its not my job to fix men.
> 2. I moved to USA so I had to leave my job. I couldn't work until my paperwork was filed and I left before it was complete.
> 3. Our 1st yr of marriage was long distance because he didn't want us living in the same country 😕 When I threatened divorce because that's not how I intended my marriage to be, that's when he agreed to me moving here because he still had school and aging parents. I didn't see my husband our 1st year of marriage also because of covid. With the first month of moving here sex stopped and I believed its because I refused anal sex. I think my husband is closet gay because I've found him reading gay erotica and he's mentioned being curious about gay sex where he is the bottom. When I refused anal sex he started sleeping on the couch pretending to accidentally fall asleep. I am a very attractive and fit lady and this was the first time ever being rejected sexually and by my husband. He would literally act like I didn't exist. I'd talk to him and he'd look at me and back on his phone. If he wasn't at work, he was on the couch on his phone except for when we had dinner with his parents and he was suddenly a loving, PDA husband until we left. To tell you being ignored beat at my self worth and esteem is an understatement. I took to drinking to cope for about 3 months. Then I stopped and said f-it and started walking, eating clean like I used to and moved out of the master which he wasn't sleeping in anyway. He noticed and started paying attention to me and i was happy for a day or 2 and the moment I was loving again, he was back on the couch ignoring me. I asked for counselling and he agreed but never engaged especially after the counsellor advised that I should get a hobby and make friends. The abuse got worse during counselling as he was losing control over me. The more I walked, the better I felt, the happier I got minding my business the more hate and contempt I got and he started accusing me of cheating. This coming from a man who told me he fantasised about having a black **** up his ass! Go figure. He would 'accidentally' carry my car key to work so that I wouldn't drive, not pay the credit card so it got declined when I went food shopping. It was a disaster. I joined a walking group and opened up about my experience and they are the ones who told me it was abuse. They helped me get a shelter and here I am. Its not even 2yrs and 1yr we spent separate.
> 
> ...


Reading this........ wow, you do some crazy stuff. Changing countries for a man? First year of marriage and you’re not even with him?
Staying after a month of sex and then nothing?

Yes, you are right to leave this quack you married, but damn, you did some pretty good shopper mistakes to end up with him.

Cant even have him served? He’s a slippery one alright. Lol. Sorry, but the whole thing is shockingly crazy.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Reading this........ wow, you do some crazy stuff. Changing countries for a man? First year of marriage and you’re not even with him?
> Staying after a month of sex and then nothing?
> 
> Yes, you are right to leave this quack you married, but damn, you did some pretty good shopper mistakes to end up with him.
> ...


Yes, I outdid myself with this one. I have never been married and this one is the one I decided to marry in my late 30s 😭. Terrible. I've beaten myself for this choice. I met him while in a vulnerable place in my life, I'm taking this as a lesson. I'm in a very vulnerable place right now and using this free time to self reflection, heal and learn from this terrible mistake and correct previous patterns in relationships. 

He is one crazy man. You'd never guess if you saw him. He looks so sweet, vulnerable and harmless. I fell for it hard. But I've dusted myself up, moving on best way I can.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> 3 times? Sounds like you have yourself a problem. Bad picker? Or bad wife.
> one of the two.
> 
> Get a job and move on is about all anyone can suggest. Few attorneys will work for free.


Yes, this threw up a red flag for me as well. That and the name calling of the husband. 3 time walkaway wife, claims she isn't getting what SHE wants....hence the husband is "ignorant".

Alrighty then. Original poster. As Evinrude said, get a job and move on. If your stbx will not answer the attorney's calls/emails, etc, then your attorney can simply get a court date set. If he doesn't show, it won't go well for him.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Queenhappiness said:


> Bad picker. This is my first marriage though.


*I am the walkway wife in my 3 relationships. * 

This insinuates you were a walkaway "wife" 3 times, hence married 3 times. Did you incorrectly type this out?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Queenhappiness said:


> No! Never! Why would I go back to abuse. I'm in a shelter right now, moving into a transitional home. I left everything and not even asking for anything during divorce. I just want out so I can start over in peace. Also, we don't know where he moved to since we were renting and moved out days after I did.


What abuse? Did he assault you?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Queenhappiness said:


> Read the whole thread, I've already owned and acknowledged my fault in this.


No, you really didn't acknowledge your fault in this. Saying you "pick flawed men" and "its not your job to fix men" is putting the "fault" on the men. 

Listen, you said you were a walkaway 3 times, you insulted this husband and talk about him like he is absolute trash. So its simple, get your lawyer to get you out of this situation you think is all his fault and since you are too selfish and its all about you all the time, just date. Don't ever get married again. You'll be much happier.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Queenhappiness said:


> For those telling me to work, I've had a successful banking career before and gave it up to try and make my marriage work. Right now I'm unable to work due to circumstances beyond my control.


What circumstance can keep you from banking?


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> No, you really didn't acknowledge your fault in this. Saying you "pick flawed men" and "its not your job to fix men" is putting the "fault" on the men.
> 
> Listen, you said you were a walkaway 3 times, you insulted this husband and talk about him like he is absolute trash. So its simple, get your lawyer to get you out of this situation you think is all his fault and since you are too selfish and its all about you all the time, just date. Don't ever get married again. You'll be much happier.


I must have touched a raw nerve for you.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Queenhappiness said:


> I must have touched a raw nerve for you.
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.


No, I just recognize narcissism and lack of responsibility when I see it.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

Interesting that you say that. You sound just like my husband but you are entitled to your opinion. But when our counsellor told me, in his presence, that my husband won't change and I need to decide whether thats the kind marriage I wanted to stay in, that was an eye opener. I ignored red flags and me getting sucked in with his sob stories of how no one loves him, his dad abandoned him, his fiancé cheated on him, first wife leaving him...I fell right in to try and make things 'better'. That's the damaged part I'm talking about. My need to want to make people feel better is my problem because its never enough for such people. They take, take, take and its never enough and they never give back. And when I'm empty because of giving too much and not receiving anything back is when I walk away. So I had to go through therapy and reflect on why I walk away and that pattern became evident. About getting my way, well, if my partner only wants his needs met but won't reciprocate nor want me to have friends or hobbies because "I'll be lonely or You wont give me attention" yet they don't make time for me then that's not a marriage I want. But the people I'm attracted to are usually selfish takers. I'm learning to seek people who can give as well as receive. But hey, if you think I'm a narcissist, that's okay too. You are entitled to your own opinion and views.


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## Queenhappiness (Jul 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> No, I just recognize narcissism and lack of responsibility when I see it.


 And despite knowing better, I still fall for the triggers. Triggers where I am constantly justifying myself and my actions despite knowing my truth. Sigh. I have a long way to go.


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