# How do I renew our intimacy?



## Cbrooks (Jun 12, 2012)

Just joined today. Looking for some advice. I have read all of the posts in this thread. Now for some information.

Me and my wife have been together for 10 yrs now. She had a hysterectomy in 2005, ovaries were left in place. We had an amazing sex life prior to the surgery, by amazing I mean once a day if not more usually initiated by her. After the surgery her sex drive went downhill. Which we both expected (she has an RN degree) and discussed this prior to the surgery. I don't think either of us expected it to have such a profound effect. 

To give you some background on the two of us as individuals and our personality.
I am a Marine (I got out in 97) 37 yrs old and in great shape due to the fact that I have always done physical work. Not that I am not intelligent, I just enjoy physical work. I enjoy the fact that physically I am in great shape without having to spend time in a gym. I am also a very sexual and intimate person. I am by no means Brad Pitt attractive, however I have never had issues with women finding me attractive. My wife has commented regularly about catching other women looking while we are shopping or out and about.

My wife is an extremely intelligent woman. She is 36 and easily passes for early 20's. She is a small woman 5' tall and has an amazing hourglass figure. I know she is beautiful simply because I see the attention she gets from other men even without make-up or being dressed up. She is a knowledge sponge. She is forever researching things that interest her on the internet, watching documentaries, things of this nature. She has the most amazing temperament and outlook on how to handle our disagreements or my mistakes that upset her, that any man could ever ask for in a wife. She does not yell or scream. If I do something that upsets her, she waits until she has calmed down and asks me to come into our bedroom (we have 2 boys) and in a calm manner states "When you did "this" it upset me, and this is why". I could never get upset with her when she approaches me in this way. We talk about it in a reasonable manner and move on after we resolve the issue. Again, no yelling, no screaming. 

Now to my concerns. I have come to terms with the decrease in our sexual relationship. I understand it causes her pain. I understand the decrease in her hormone levels. (we tried hormone replacement and she stopped it do to it making her, in her own words, "An emotional hurricane", we had our first actual yelling dispute of our relationship over how our living room was setup). I have come to terms with these things. I have no sexual desires to be with another woman so this is not an issue for us. I do however miss the intimacy of our relationship. The loving touch of her hand as she passes by, simply because I am close enough for her to touch. The spontaneous hug in the kitchen just because we happen to be in the same room at the time. Curling up on the couch to watch TV together so that we can be as close to each other as possible. These are the things I miss the most.

She has talked to me about her missing the in depth conversations we used to have for hours about random subjects, even if we were debating different sides of an opinion. She misses the intellectual interaction between us. She misses the intimacy as well but has finally told me that the desire is just not there. Not that she doesn't think I am handsome, or attractive, but that the physical urge (not really sure how to put it in to words) is just not there anymore. She has told me she misses our sexual relationship and misses how intense her desire was before the surgery. She has told me that since the surgery that desire has become less and less and in turn that desire to just want to touch me as I pass has diminished as well. 
She has told me she feels alone as a person due to our diminished intellectual connection. I think this is directly connected to our slow loss of an intimate connection.

I am not upset with these things. I am just concerned about them. I am concerned that at some point if we don't find a way to renew our connection on an intimate level (not a sexual one) that we will continue to lose our intellectual connection as well. As you can see by me researching this on the internet to see if I can find anyone else who is or has experienced this, that I am willing to do whatever it takes to renew our marriage. Just so that isn't taken the wrong way. We still don't have arguments. We are not on the verge of a divorce or anything of that nature. I am just looking for possible ways to re-connect with my wife. For ways to renew the intimacy and in turn renew our intellectual connection.

I apologize for the small book I have posted. I guess in some way I just needed to put some of it in writing to help myself progress through it was well as search for assistance. Thank you in advance for any input, advice, or knowledge from experience.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"I am just looking for possible ways to re-connect with my wife. For ways to renew the intimacy and in turn renew our intellectual connection."

I bet she's looking for the same thing, but in the opposite direction. She wants to renew the intellectual connection, and then maybe renew the intimacy.

Unfortunately my wife wanted the same thing. She needed the intellectual connection... the long conversations, the mental connection in order to want to be intimate. But even when those things were delivered, the intimacy never came. and no matter how many times it was discussed and attempts renewed, it was always one-sided.

But then again, my wife never had the libido that you describe in your wife so I think I've been trying to reclaim something that was never there. 

You should try to make the intellectual connection first and gradually build up to the intimacy.


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## Cbrooks (Jun 12, 2012)

I didn't really think about it in that perspective. It's interesting. I have been thinking it originated with the intimacy and it may be my reaction to the loss of intimacy and not contributing as much to the intellectual side on my part. Thank you for the insight.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Cbrooks said:


> Now to my concerns. I have come to terms with the decrease in our sexual relationship. I understand it causes her pain. I understand the decrease in her hormone levels. (we tried hormone replacement and she stopped it do to it making her, in her own words, "An emotional hurricane", we had our first actual yelling dispute of our relationship over how our living room was setup). I have come to terms with these things. I have no sexual desires to be with another woman so this is not an issue for us. I do however miss the intimacy of our relationship. The loving touch of her hand as she passes by, simply because I am close enough for her to touch. The spontaneous hug in the kitchen just because we happen to be in the same room at the time. Curling up on the couch to watch TV together so that we can be as close to each other as possible. These are the things I miss the most.
> 
> She has talked to me about her missing the in depth conversations we used to have for hours about random subjects, even if we were debating different sides of an opinion. She misses the intellectual interaction between us. She misses the intimacy as well but has finally told me that the desire is just not there. Not that she doesn't think I am handsome, or attractive, but that the physical urge (not really sure how to put it in to words) is just not there anymore. She has told me she misses our sexual relationship and misses how intense her desire was before the surgery. She has told me that since the surgery that desire has become less and less and in turn that desire to just want to touch me as I pass has diminished as well.
> She has told me she feels alone as a person due to our diminished intellectual connection. I think this is directly connected to our slow loss of an intimate connection.


Hi C ~

Have you discussed these things with each other? Because they are remarkably similar - you BOTH want to have that emotional intimacy with each other...she gets that from you from quality time spent talking to you and you get that from her by physical touch.

Have you ever read Chapman's "The Five Love Languages"? It might be a good book for you two to read together, so that you can gain some insight in to what each of you are needing on the emotional front.

Perhaps once she sees that you NEED that affection from her in the same way that SHE NEEDS that time spent with you talking/discussing, it will help to click with her.

Has she been back to her ob/gyn, or a different one, to talk about her pain issues? Has she looked into bio-identical hormone replacement? Would she be willing to try to do more intimate activities with you that don't involve intercourse ... maybe starting with cuddling/kissing?

Do you two spend time together doing things together that you both enjoy?

Does she perceive there being a problem? If not, why not? Would she be willing to work with you on them?

If you get no traction on your own, and from her doctor, would you be willing to look for a sexual pain/menopausal specialist/ob-gyn? Some clinics have those kinds of doctors specializing in just the kinds of physical issues that your wife is having? Would she be willing to go see a sex therapist to help open up the lines of communication and learn that intercourse is not the only way that sexual intimacy can be expressed?

Don't give up hope, C. There are many options and avenues of opportunity that you can explore. 

Best wishes.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cbrooks said:


> I didn't really think about it in that perspective. It's interesting. I have been thinking it originated with the intimacy and it may be my reaction to the loss of intimacy and not contributing as much to the intellectual side on my part. Thank you for the insight.


It can be a cycle - you need the intimacy to motivate you to do the discussions, she needs the discussions to motivate the intimacy.

Since you are the one hear, you need to make the change to break the cycle. Work on giving her the intellectual discussions she wants and needs. Perhaps set up specific "dates" to do that, with three nights a week devoted to conversation, and perhaps a couple to sex and physical intimacy. Work together to meet each others needs.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

You should have someone take care of the kids and consider participating together in activities that would stimulate her intellect.

My wife and I will occasionally go to hear a lecture at one of the local universities. Last year, we went to a presentation given by Sean Carroll, who is a world-famous genetic researcher. It was fascinating, and we talked about it for hours afterwards.

We also enjoy spending time at gallery openings, and taking in exhibits at our local art museum (we have a world-class art museum here in town, and my wife is friends with the head curator). We saw the Pablo Picasso exhibit recently, and seeing his art and learning about what a swinging d*ck Picasso was in his heyday gave us another several hours of "adult-oriented" yet intellectual conversation fodder.

We also have dinner (either at a hip new restaurant, or at our place) with interesting people whenever possible. I endeavor to include people who have interesting careers, or who have traveled extensively. Ideally, these folks are bright, well-educated people who can expand our social and intellectual horizons.

From what you tell me, your wife is a highly intelligent woman (like mine), and if you are able to stimulate her mind, then the conversational intimacy and sexual intimacy will likely follow.

To me there is nothing sexier than a highly intelligent, fit, physically attractive woman. Sounds to me like you have some work to do, but the payoff will be worth it.


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## Cbrooks (Jun 12, 2012)

Enchantment, we have very good lines of communication. We both know the others feelings and concerns. I agree I think the book would be a good idea. We have talked to multiple doctors about her issues with pain. It's not always pain from the actual sex. We were in a pretty bad car wreck a few years ago that has left her with back problems. So sometimes it is pain from those injuries and not from the surgery or vaginal/abdominal pain. I think the major problem is that the pain, no matter it's origin, creates fear for her and understandably so. In turn it makes it less enjoyable for me, simply because I am afraid of hurting her and feel as though she at times is just enduring the pain to try to make me happy, or satisfy me. 

We have both become home bodies. I was injured a couple of years ago at work, resulting in a shoulder surgery and ruptured disks in my neck. Which I think has had an affect on me. Simply because I am now limited physically because if I go a little overboard physically doing something around the house or yard, I end up in severe pain. So this has resulted in me becoming depressed to the point of requiring medication to help me deal with it. She has done everything she can to help me deal with it. She has been there with her physical limitations. 

She does see the problems, she does acknowledge them as much as I do. She is as devoted to working on them as I am. I think now that we have access to better medical facilities (we moved from a very small town to being close to a major city) we will have better results as far as finding more competent medical professionals to assist us in dealing with her pain from sex, and my pain from physical activity for that matter.

Keeper, we live within 30 minutes of a major University. I never thought about looking into attending lectures given there. That is something that I think she would enjoy very much. As for the company of other people. We have always been reserved when it comes to other people. We both have blunt personalities. That seems to be hard for other people to accept. Most people like to hear they are right. Or want other people to just blindly agree with them on issues. We are not those type of people and do not sugar coat things, or stroke other peoples egos. 

We live in the south, I however was born and raised in upstate NY, in the heart of the Bible belt. Not that either of us mind anyone having faith in any religion. Here however, your religious beliefs are a very big deal. We do not go to church. We both believe in something bigger than ourselves, we just don't know what it is at this point. I think that simply comes from being very scientific minded people. Don't get me wrong, if faith in something, anything, gives someone peace in their life. All the power to them. However, here our lack of religious belief turns into a "challenge" for the religious to try to save our souls. Even though we are not religious, we have lengthy discussions about religion, science, and different beliefs from around the world. This is one of the areas we love to discuss. This however does not work well when talking to people who have a very strong belief in religion. It stops being an intelligent and casual conversation very quickly if you do not agree. I do think however attending lectures or things of that nature would be something that would benefit us immensely and would give us hours and hours of in depth conversation material. 

Again thank you all so very much for all the input. Please continue. I am getting very good ideas on things to do that I think would help us.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

What about natural herbal supplements? I have heard great things from my older female friends who didn't like the false hormone replacement therapy who found marvelous things from chinese medicine doctors (readily available in the south) or natural doctors who use herbs and things that could help her body... If her ovaries were left she still has some estrogen, just needs a bit more production. Having done my own research the number 2 needs of man are sexual and a playmate (fun person) number 2 needs of a woman are affection and conversation... your post says you want intimacy from your top two and she wants intimacy from her top 2. Come up with a plan to take care of all 4 each day... somehow... and build closeness each day. It takes time, but it can be done, with or without hormone problems, it sounds like a combination of things have the two of you distanced. I would look into natural supplements for the hormonal issue and come up with a solid plan to date each other again.


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

I understand the cycle of needed the emotional closeness before physical. Please continue to talk with each other. I think spending time together and just being able to tell each other what you need is a strong start. Don't wait too long. I'm wondering if it's possible to get the closeness back after it has slipped away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Cbrooks,
This is truly a beautiful post. Perhaps you might ask your wife the following question:
If Merck pharmaceutical invented a pill that would cause a man to have the desire for intense, intellectual conversation,'and that further, this same drug increased that mans iq, and that it had one nasty side effect, it made him moody - so that he and his wife would actually argue with anger on occasion:
Would she wish you take such a drug? 

The HRT you describe - it impacted her mood stability - but it created passion and connection.





Cbrooks said:


> Just joined today. Looking for some advice. I have read all of the posts in this thread. Now for some information.
> 
> Me and my wife have been together for 10 yrs now. She had a hysterectomy in 2005, ovaries were left in place. We had an amazing sex life prior to the surgery, by amazing I mean once a day if not more usually initiated by her. After the surgery her sex drive went downhill. Which we both expected (she has an RN degree) and discussed this prior to the surgery. I don't think either of us expected it to have such a profound effect.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeremy Parker (May 24, 2012)

First off - posting a "small book" as you put it - is good - it gives everyone who wants to help you as much information as possible so they can effectively assist.

I'm going to attempt to answer two of the issues that I've picked out from your posts...

Firstly your comment that your wife potentially has a fear of the pain, and secondly your comment that you are "just looking for possible ways to re-connect with my wife. For ways to renew the intimacy and in turn renew our intellectual connection".

So first off the possible ways to reconnect to your wife. From what you've written it sounds to me like you are quite a connected couple generally, so in this instance I'd say it's more about making daily, regular connections with each other. If you are doing most or all of the following then you are well on your way to having a great connection to her...

a) Appreciate your wife; be genuine in your appreciation, appreciating her for what she does for you, for your home and for your family, don’t take her for granted, value her time, help out around the house where you can and as much as you can, remember to use good listening skills on every interaction that you have with her (ie use eye contact, show her visual signs that you are listening to her, give her proper responses and don’t rush her through what she’s saying).
b) Always be patient with her.
c) Tell her, often, that it is "lovely to see her".
d) Remember the stuff that she’s got going on in her life and ask her how she’s getting on with it – show her that you’ve been listening to what she's been saying.
e) Spend time with her – sit down and talk, catchup on what’s been going on with you both, snuggle in – and, again, ensure that you listen to what she’s saying.
f) Always answer her questions – even the “what’s wrong?” and “are you okay?” type questions.
g) Say nice, positive stuff to her – be it in a nice loving note you leave for her before you go to work, or an e-mail sent from work or a text message at any time during the day.
h) Start a ritual and keep it going, eg a regular, scheduled date night, or breakfast in bed with the papers on a Sunday morning, having a cup of tea in bed together or always kissing before you go to work.
i) Open up a bit to her sometimes, let her get inside your head.
j) Make sure you set aside the time to romance and relax your wife (though it does sound like you are well on your way with this one).
k) Reach out to hold your partners hand more.
l) Give her little bits of affection every single day, if you have to start slow and build it up, then just be patient.
m) Build up your touch, again start slow, this needs to be something that you do every day, not just when you want sex with her.
n) Are you telling her that you love her? And if you are - are you doing it regularly enough?
o) Are you making her feel sexy? Are you gearing your conversations towards topics that will get your partner thinking about sex? Avoid normal, boring, dull conversations about the weather or what colour you're going to paint the hall when you want sex!

Secondly then the concern about your wifes fear of the pain.
Is this potentially a dryness issue as a result of a deficiency of estrogen? This is a common occurrence with hysterectomies, but I'm going to make the assumption that you've tried artificial lubrication, so here are some other thoughts...

a) Therapy – your wife could potentially be taught some self-help techniques to try to resolve the problem.
b) Vaginal trainers - using a technique to relax the muscles in the vagina via a set of vaginal trainers.
c) Relaxation, exploration and touching exercises – this is all about taking things slowly and gently and, when your partner is ready for intercourse, making sure that she is fully aroused before attempting penetration.
d) Pelvic floor exercises – working with a physiotherapist your partner could be taught pelvic floor exercises that could help with the fear, such as squeezing and releasing her pelvic floor muscles.
e) Sensate focus - this is a type of sex therapy that you and your partner complete together. Again it’s all about taking things slowly and building up to penetrative sex.

And finally - good luck. If you don't mind me saying - you sound like a good person, so I am sure that things will turn out right for you in the end.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Cbrooks - my wife and I also live in the south, in a very conservative city. The people you would want to spend time with are there if you look in the right places (unless you live in the middle of nowhere). We avoid places and people where religious conservatism will inevitably come up.

The kinds of people you will typically meet at art galleries, art museums, and intellectual lectures on topics like evolution and genetics will typically not try to engage in saving your soul.

The interesting, non-religious people are out there if you look for them, and look in the right places.

Good luck, like I said the path to your wife's sexual intimacy begins with her intellect. Stimulate her mind, and the rest will likely follow.


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