# 23 and Counting Down



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I am thinking of leaving my husband of 23 years, we to have not been intimate in at least 10 years. Who wants to be when all they do is slave to keep the dishes done and the laundry. I work really long hours and he is self-employed, and he goes through long stretches of no work, so I am basically supporting everyone. The only bill I do not pay is the house note--which is miniscule compared to all the other bills. I am tired of working so hard and just sinking all my money into paying for living expenses. I splurged and leased a new car a few months ago—that is pretty much the big joy of my life (pathetic isn’t it?).

When we married he had never lived on his own, so I think he just went from his parent’s house to the house we shared together. It is just like having another kid in the house--we have 2 teen-aged sons. He never cleans the house or helps me do anything. The chores he is supposed to do, he pawns off on the kids—which is not bad for them—so they don’t turn out like him. There was a time when he actually did help out some. I asked him why he stopped helping and he said “Nobody said anything and it just got dirty again.” Our house is a disaster area that we outgrew many years ago. He is a contractor so it is just one big unfinished project. I hate going to my own house and would never invite anyone there because I am so embarrassed by it.

I have been staying at my mother’s house for a few weeks while she recovers from surgery, I enjoy planting flowers, repairing things and cleaning her house—it looks like I have accomplished something. At my own house, it doesn’t matter what I do, it does not improve the appearance of the house. I never thought the vision of a man holding a vacuum cleaner or a hammer would turn me on…

The other twist to this is, when we were married, we attended a normal (mainstream denomination) church. Now he has gone off on this religion that his parents belong to and I think it is a crazy religion. I am not an overtly religious person, but this is just so opposed to my religious beliefs. Then I find out he donates 10% of his income to this church (I know that is a traditional tithe amount), but I resent that he does not contribute more to the household and the kid’s education fund, but has enough money to give money to this "church." They believe that if you give money to the church, it will come back into your life double. I believe that you give freely to the church and do not expect anything in return. We do not have a joint bank account because he was taking money out at the automated teller and forgetting to tell me and we bounced some checks. 

All of his brother and sisters are the same way, they all married someone with a fairy large income and have all quit their jobs or pursued a "dream job"--basically being self employed and only working when they want to. Guess what--I would like to do that and have worked every single day of my life for 30 years--when do I get relieved of having to make sure we have insurance coverage, a pension and a 401K--all the things that working adults are supposed to have.

I think it is time for me to leave, but I just don’t know how to bring it up. I think our kids see what is coming, because who has a relationship where no one speaks to each other? I worry about what kind of example we have set for our kids in their future relationships.

I don’t want to say “I’m just not happy”—I believe if you rely on someone else for your happiness, then you are bound to be disappointed. I am not miserable either--I am just nonexistent. I am tired of being taken for granted. I no longer love this man or have any respect for him. How do I do this? And will I have to pay him alimony?????


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I posted my exit plan in the Ladies Lounge, I'm just trying to get up the nerve to tell him. How do I not scar my children when they are part of the reason I want to leave as well. I have never seen a bigger bunch of unmotivated people--my kids are teens and all they do is play video games and eat. I refuse to take the blame for this, there comes a time in everyone's maturation where they SHOULD realize that if you leave Coke cans sitting around long enough, they will have ants in their beds. I have worked my butt off trying to get them motivated, if anyone has the recipe for this, please give it to me. Do I just say nothing about their part in this or hope that it gives them a much needed wake up call. They are old enough to know they have to do their homework and register for their college classes without me having to nag them every day. I hate the person I have become--the evil nagging mother because if I don't, they will never do anything.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

A good friend of mine's mother recently got her own place because her husband, daughter and grandkids weren't doing their share. My friend said that after she left they realized how much she was doing and picked up their game a bit.

Are you convinced that this needs to be a permanent split?


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I have been gone for over a month, staying at my mother's while she recuperates from surgery. Nobody's game has stepped up one iota. I go by there a few times a week and the dishes are stacked in the sink (fruit flies are buzzing around them). I washed the same load of laundry 3 times because I stopped by on my lunch hour to bring a pan of lasagna (it still sits untouched in the fridge today--after a week and a half--nobody had the energy to put it in the oven)--anyway, I put a load of clothing in the washing machine and told them to put it in the dryer--it was THEIR clothing. I came back a few days later and it had soured, which necessitated me to wash it again (and I reminded them again)--it was still in there 3 days after that. I just gave up and washed it and waited for the cycle to be over and dried it. I pay for every stitch of clothing that comes into the house--I was not about to let it get all mildewed. 

I just cannot stand it anymore. I have stood on my head and done just about everything to get people to do something there. Nothing works. I feel I have to save myself before they suck me into a well of depression.


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

What would you do if you were me?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I wouldn't tell you what to do, but based on what you've typed above, I wouldn't blame you one bit for leaving. No sex for 10 years. Your kids are teenagers - they'll be OK. Crazy religions are never a good thing.

Does your H have an excuse for not helping out, or does he just let things go with no explanation?


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

He has no explanation, I work at least 4 more hours in the day, not to mention make quadruple his salary, I still end up doing it all. I have tried discussions, fighting and letting it go. I couldn't stand letting it go--it was disgusting. When we first married we had the agreement "whoever cooks, the other cleans up," he never learned to cook and never cleaned up. It is sad when you are depressed to enter your own home, it should be your haven, not a source of depression.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Move to your Mums indefinitely, secure your finances to another account so the funds are not spent and accessed other than by you, issue the "ultimatum" to your H, you do not return unless there is equitable return from all, no need to discuss the details or get angy or upset. Do not clean up anything, take all your items, clothes etc. with you. Do not even go over after you move out, your H has to invite you over once he and the family have done and committed to do their bit. Your not looking for perfection just respect and fair play and everyone to help out. 

It takes two in a marriage 50/50 partnership and it does mean regular intimacy. If H wants to pay for a full time servant he must hire one and he obviously needs to work the additional hours to cover the funds, not use the existing family monies.

If H sorts out the house keeping issues he then needs to go the doc to sort out his lack of 'sex' drive. The friction in the house could be the cause of this.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wisp said:


> Move to your Mums indefinitely, secure your finances to another account so the funds are not spent and accessed other than by you, issue the "ultimatum" to your H, you do not return unless there is equitable return from all, no need to discuss the details or get angy or upset. Do not clean up anything, take all your items, clothes etc. with you. Do not even go over after you move out, your H has to invite you over once he and the family have done and committed to do their bit. Your not looking for perfection just respect and fair play and everyone to help out.
> 
> It takes two in a marriage 50/50 partnership and it does mean regular intimacy. If H wants to pay for a full time servant he must hire one and he obviously needs to work the additional hours to cover the funds, not use the existing family monies.
> 
> If H sorts out the house keeping issues he then needs to go the doc to sort out his lack of 'sex' drive. The friction in the house could be the cause of this.


:iagree: Sounds reasonable to me!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So stop going by the house. It is obvious that they STILL believe that mom will take care of all of it. So stop enabling them. If you do the bills, have the mail forwarded to your mothers. Write yourself out of the equation as much as possible.

When their clothes all smell like mold, and there isn't a clean cup in the house, things will start to click. And if they still don't click - well then it probably is time to divorce your family.


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I first posted this. So much has happened financially, which has hindered my ability to pay for a divorce. But I have managed to save up some money and as soon as I can find a good and reasonable lawyer I will proceed. But now I have to wait a decent amount of time after the death of my father in law. I don't know the right amount of time to wait, I don't want to be totally heartless about this--I mean his father died. On the other hand, he told me his father died via text message--TEXT MESSAGE! This is a man (my father-in-law) who I had known for 25 years and the closest thing I had to a father ever. Needless to say, I stepped in and took care of all of the "extras" all of the little things, like making sure everyone had clothing to wear, choosing the photos for the visitation, choosing and buying the "family's" floral arrangement, setting up the gathering afterward when people come and eat and remember. I did and paid for all of that, while the lazy brothers and sisters did nothing. It was the most emotionless funeral I have ever attended, so it couldn't be because they were overwhelmed with grief. 
Back to me--my oldest son has moved out on his own and is doing pretty well, and I am going to try to get custody of my younger son who is 17. He is super-smart, but does not get his work done--seriously he makes all "A's" EXCEPT on the things (mostly homework and projects) done at home, where he simply does not do them. I was always the "Homework Nazi" in our household. Anyway the will and resources are at hand, I'm just waiting for the right time--and to be honest, I am having a hard time sitting with him face to face and telling my husband. Do you think I can get away with telling him via email, since he TEXTED me about his father's death? We rarely speak anymore except when I bring food for my son and the dogs over to my original house (am still staying with my mom). I think he never sent text messages in his life until about a year ago. Is it time to let it all go? Hopefully I will not have to pay alimony, as 10% of it will go to that religious nut (see above posts).


----------



## SJMan1974 (Jul 9, 2011)

I do not think that you need to face your H, but you should tell your children face-to-face. Everyone is old enough to take care of themselves. Even a 17 year old can wash his own clothes and make their own meals (they learn fast if they can't).

In my opinion, you do not need to wait. Just let him know that you have made up your mind and intend to move on. You seem to have gone FAR above and beyond what is required in a marriage.

Best of luck.


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I am seeing a divorce mediator this week. It has just gone on too long. My younger son has been staying with me for a week or so at my mothers house and I have taught him to pick up his towel, not leave glasses and empty water bottles all over the place, and basically to pick up after himself. I'm sure he will choose to live with my husband as he doesn't really have to do anything there. But he is 2 years from entering college and his GPA is horrible. His grades, when he turns things in are straight A's, but when you throw in the assignments he "forgot" to do, it completely cancels out the A's. I will be the one picking up the tab for college and I want him to be able to choose the college he wants to go to (even though he will be attending community college for at least the first semester), instead of just settling for whatever college will accept him. I am totally terrified to tell my husband, he really is a nice guy and not violent or anything, but the face to face thing scares me to death. I'm not afraid to tell my kids, the oldest one already knows. I guess I'm just a big chicken here. I'm sure my husband knows it is coming and probably wants the same thing--he CAN'T be happy with things the way they have been. I think he is just waiting for me (as usual) to make the move. But I will do it--am tired of having an adult kid that won't do anything. Wish me luck. An email has crossed my mind, since he texted telling me that my father-in-law died. I could probably gather my thoughts together better, but it feels very cowardly. Any thoughts?


----------



## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

After 23 years, you owe him a face-to-face conversation. As you said, this has been a long time coming and I can't imagine he doesn't know.

Yes, I understand he texted you about your father-in-law, but you need to be the bigger person.


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

Went to meet with a mediator (don't think he can afford an attorney) and it was a real eye-opener. Sadly, he is entitled to half of my 401K AND my pension AND I might get to pay him alimony to boot. I guess that is my reward for letting him "play" at working. The good news is that we have a lot of wiggle room in the equity of our house, so I may not have to give him so much money. It is sad to me as I am trying to save every penny to send my son to college, who will probably have the option (he is 17) to choose the parent he wants to live with--he will choose my husband since he doesn't make him do anything. Am not sure I can handle that crushing blow of not being chosen by my own child. 
I'm sure this is the lament of many of the people on here, having to give their spouse money when they really didn't do anything wrong, except marry a person who pretty much stopped growing into an adult. When we married, our incomes were pretty much equal, but I have continued to rise in my career, while he (being employed by his parents, and now himself) has gotten to do whatever he wanted to do and work when he wanted. It was not unusual to come home for lunch and having to be quiet while he napped. I was always the one who had to make sure everyone was insured and the bills were paid.
The next step is to tell him, but am waiting for some of the liquidation of my 401K to go through, so I can pay off some of my debt. I would rather do this than lose half of it and see 10% of it go to that religious nut he gives money to every month.
Now I'm not afraid to tell my husband so much, but am afraid my son will choose my husband over me. It all must be done...


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

UPDATE. I filed for divorce before Thanksgiving. After much soul-searching, I told him I wanted out via email. Before everyone jumps on me, this is a man who avoids confrontation at all costs (as I posted earlier, he TEXTED me that my father-in-law died), anyway, although to many of you it sounded like the coward's way out, but I thought it was better for him. I'm a pretty face to face kind of person and I did tell the kids face to face. He had time to digest it and after a few days sent me an email back telling me he just wanted me to be happy. Whatever--I guess I am not worth fighting for. SO the ball is finally rolling and in about 45 days it will be done. We have to figure out property division and I am not in a big hurry to clear out the house and get money from the sale of the house. I am not sure that he can afford to live in the house, and I am still paying some of the bills there. The house payment is pretty small by today's standards. You just have to work to pay for it. My son had to move back home after his roommate situation blew up, so maybe he can help pay the bills--he makes more money than my husband (my son is a server). I am so ready to move on, I would rather have NOTHING than this half-life where no one even converses with me and just uses me to clean and pay the bills. If you are living in a situation like mine--GET OUT! Life is way too short to live like that. The next guy will be someone who has a real job and knows how to cook and clean--and yes, FIGHT. As I have said before, the opposite of love is indifference, and I am done with it. We are going the mediator route, since he cannot afford a lawyer and we will probably do a lot of the property division via email. Christmas was rough--I was asked (at the last minute--AFTER I had bought all of his families gifts and made a pie) to not attend because I would make too many people "uncomfortable." Well GUESS WHAT--THEY will miss ME a whole lot more than I will miss them. I know that sounds egotistical, but I'm finally figuring out what I am worth and I'm worth a heck of a lot more than indifference and people feeling "uncomfortable" at my presence. I bring a whole lot more to the table than my soon-to-be ex. PLUS now he has the added bonus of being a victim all his life because I told him via email. :smthumbup:


----------



## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

Also my younger son has chosen to live with me. And for now my husband is too proud or whatever to get alimony, 401K or any of that stuff. It is going too well am scared something will happen, but it is only money, if I could only get the time back that I have wasted.


----------

