# Begging for sex



## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Have you ever begged for sex???*

Have you ever begged for sex from your spouse? We are in R and I was begging him for some intimacy but he totally refused. In fact he fraught and slapped me. I can't sop crying... What do I do???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

You are in recovery? Who cheated? You or him?


Has he ever hit you before? 

How does he normally behave when he's upset? Does he hit things, throw things, etc?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

Also ... "fraught" do you mean "fought"?

How hard did he slap you? Are you brused? Swollen? have welts?


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

I posted on the other forum too... I have my strory in another post... Wednesdays and Fridays are our scheduled sex days but my spouse find some way or the other to bypass the commitment. Today I really wanted to be intimate with him as it helps me connect with him. I feel he cares/ loves me. Today he started argueing and fighting near bed time. I knew he wanted to avoid me. I begged and he slapped me and said I want the intimacy only when I want it... I don't know if I'm making any sense but I just can't stop crying... I came down and tod him I'm going to watch some tv and he said... Come back on time! What do I do???? I just can't stop thinking how he would have reacted if it was th OW...


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



EleGirl said:


> Also ... "fraught" do you mean "fought"?
> 
> How hard did he slap you? Are you brused? Swollen? have welts?


Sorry I meant fought... He didn't hit me hard today as I didn't respond... In previous occasion if I replied he has become aggressive...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry, did you,say he slapped you?
Time to move on honey.
Get some support and get yourself away from him!


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I'm sorry, did you,say he slapped you?
> Time to move on honey.
> Get some support and get yourself away from him!


I wish I could... If I was in my own country, I'm sure I would have left him when I found out about his EA... It's so hard with no support herer...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

What does he do when he is aggressive?

Are you afraid of him?


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



EleGirl said:


> What does he do when he is aggressive?
> 
> Are you afraid of him?


He throws stuff.. Hits... You can imagine the worse and he does it... I have learnt to keep my mouth shut all the time specially on weekend nights...  putting that smiley thing is so difficult right now... I wish I had no kids


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

I found this on your other thread:



whywhy804 said:


> After the DDay, I compare myself with the OM alot. If I say something hinting her in anyway, he becomes abusive. Last night, same thing happened. He pulled my hair and dragged me out of the bed, slapped me, kicked me. My head is so sore right now. In the morning he was apologic again and hugged. I told me not to bring her in the picture ever again. He said it was a mistake that he made and reminding him of the same makes him mad. What should I do?



YOu need to get away from him. He is seriously abusive and violent.

It would be easier to help you out if we know what country you live in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I found this on your other thread:



whywhy804 said:


> After the DDay, I compare myself with the OM alot. If I say something hinting her in anyway, he becomes abusive. Last night, same thing happened. He pulled my hair and dragged me out of the bed, slapped me, kicked me. My head is so sore right now. In the morning he was apologic again and hugged. I told me not to bring her in the picture ever again. He said it was a mistake that he made and reminding him of the same makes him mad. What should I do?



YOu need to get away from him. He is seriously abusive and violent.

It would be easier to help you out if we know what country you live in.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

I live in US. He is a good dad and a good person ( for others)... Everyone in my friend circle tells me how lucky I am to have such a husband... How funny how someone can have two images...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

Abusive spouses very often are very careful that no one outside the household see that they are abusive. My son’s father was abusive to me. He never raised a hand to me if someone else was in our house. For this reason it was hard to prove his abuse. Have two images is very common for abusers.

Your husband is not a good father or a good person. A good father puts his wife and his marriage first. He does not cheat on her. He does not hit her; pull her around by her hair, etc. A good person does not do these things either.

There is help for victims of domestic violence everywhere in the USA. You need to get in touch with one in your area, get some counseling and put together an exit plan.

Do you have a job outside the home right now?

One thing I suggest you do is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in the room of the house where he is usually violent to you. This way when he is you have evidence of what he is doing to you. Then call the police. That time when he pulled you around by your hair, hit and kicked you… you should have had him arrested that time. He will not stop this behavior until other men step in and tell him that he cannot treat you this way.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

I have been told to call the cops and I've told the kids too but they are afraid as well... Three of us are always in the fear of what his reaction going to be ... And none of us are ourselves around him. How sad but at the same time my kids love him. I can't say the same thing after what has happened in the last 6-7 months. He is sometimes too good like he surprised me with a limo waiting outside our home on our anniversary last week... He went to his own self after that. He knows I'm upset and crying downstairs and he is sleeping soundly! He was upset because I texted him saying ' thanks for asking how I'm doing' after almost entire day went by... I was sick with flu from last three days and was not able to get up. I went to work after 3 days today and he was not there to support us in any way. My girls warmed the food and fed me. He was giving advice to my friends husband to get some soup for my friend as she is sick. He even gave me expired med ( expired in 9/12) may be unknowingly... But what a coincidence!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

=/
I vote "Listen to Elegirl"

Especially this:


> One thing I suggest you do is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in the room of the house where he is usually violent to you. This way when he is you have evidence of what he is doing to you. Then call the police. That time when he pulled you around by your hair, hit and kicked you… you should have had him arrested that time.


If you're talking fear, he'll start to fear YOU once he realises you're not as helpless as he once thought. Be strong, and be OCD with any evidence you can grab in court.

You may probably still love your husband and that you may want to be a good wife, but you are simply putting up with too much sh-t not to mention you have a really, really bad environment for your children at your home with abusive husband which is not exactly the healthiest example for them to witness. Respect yourself, show your children that they should not have to live in fear. You owe it to them as their mother for crying out loud!

Oh... and NEVER... NEVER EVER BE ON YOUR KNEES AGAIN! Bah! Frankly... its PATHETIC! Respect yourself woman!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes, definitely get away from him.

Do you have family who can help? If you have please reach out to them.

And what is a scheduled sex day? I/we just do it when we are horny.

I'm not a relationship expert but this sounds dysfunctional to me.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



RandomDude said:


> =/
> I vote "Listen to Elegirl"
> 
> Especially this:
> ...


RandomDude: I really want to be strong... Really... And I Mean it !!!! But I have no support. What will happen next? I have no family in this country. When I told my parent and his parents they advices me not to bring any topic that will annoy him. He also thinks I want to rule him or I don't know the exact word to use here but how is this possible? I don't even know what that means.. My slightestest of comment triggers his anger. I just want to die and not able to live with this,,,,


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



whywhy804 said:


> RandomDude: I really want to be strong... Really... And I Mean it !!!! But I have no support. What will happen next? I have no family in this country. When I told my parent and his parents they advices me not to bring any topic that will annoy him. He also thinks I want to rule him or I don't know the exact word to use here but how is this possible? I don't even know what that means.. My slightestest of comment triggers his anger. I just want to die and not able to live with this,,,,


Ok... WHAO...
Slow down...

Which country are you in exactly? Did you move there to be with him? What is your cultural background?


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> Yes, definitely get away from him.
> 
> Do you have family who can help? If you have please reach out to them.
> 
> ...


This is the middle of the school year and I don't want my girls to suffer... I am planning to go to my country this summer and if the circumstances remain the ame, I will never come back. May be I will leave my kids with my parents and commit suicide... 

Oh regarding scheduled sex days... How interesting... Since we are reconciliation after his emotional affair, we decided we will have sex two days in a week... But it never happened. I guess he is still dreaming about the over woman or may be having fun with her... Who knows and who wants to know...


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



RandomDude said:


> Ok... WHAO...
> Slow down...
> 
> Which country are you in exactly? Did you move there to be with him? What is your cultural background?


I'm from south asia... If that helps in any way...  we got married and came here to US and it's been15 years in this country... I know if I take any step, I have no support....


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> This is the middle of the school year and I don't want my girls to suffer... I am planning to go to my country this summer and if the circumstances remain the ame, I will never come back. May be I will leave my kids with my parents and commit suicide...
> 
> Oh regarding scheduled sex days... How interesting... Since we are reconciliation after his emotional affair, we decided we will have sex two days in a week... But it never happened. I guess he is still dreaming about the over woman or may be having fun with her... Who knows and who wants to know...


Please, I hope that wasn't a serious comment about the suicide.

Don't let an abusive man define your life.

Is there any help you can get?

You don't need to say exactly where you live, just a country would help. Then some of the more experienced posters may be able to help.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

Ok first contact your ambassy, there should be one for each country in the U.S. They will have a wealth of information for your situation and will be your primary support in the country. Start there

EDIT: Wait, 15 yrs in the country? You should be a PR already right? And I'm sure the US has support phone lines for domestic violence. You SHOULD be able to find the support you need =/


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> Please, I hope that wasn't a serious comment about the suicide.
> 
> Don't let an abusive man define your life.
> 
> ...


Nope until I make sure my kids are okay!!!


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



RandomDude said:


> Ok first contact your ambassy, there should be one for each country in the U.S. They will have a wealth of information for your situation and will be your primary support in the country. Start there, start ASAP


Forgot to mention that I'm US citizen now and my children were born here. I have a consulting job and god knows when it's going to end... I mean it's not permanent..,, and I've never lived alone... That's the scariest part... I usually can't handle stressful conditions well... Like right now


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*

As a citizen you have rights and you have support. I can't see why you won't, there are phone lines to call who can give you the information you need to start on your own.

That's if you really want to get out, you have your family in the US -> your children. And yes you will get to keep them. So I don't see why you say you have no family. And you have rights that will help you financially after the divorce. It's not the end of the world. Call up the domestic helpline, followed by legal advice. You have to do this for your sake as well as your children's.

And start audio taping everything. You're going to need it. If you want to take the risk (not recommended), film it. Take photos of yourself after he hit you, find a place to stash your evidence as well.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



RandomDude said:


> As a citizen you have rights and you have support. I can't see why you won't, there are phone lines to call who can give you the information you need to start on your own.
> 
> That's if you really want to get out, you have your family in the US -> your children. And yes you will get to keep them. So I don't see why you say you have no family. And you have rights that will help you financially after the divorce. It's not the end of the world. Call up the domestic helpline, followed by legal advice. You have to do this for your sake as well as your children's.
> 
> And start audio taping everything. You're going to need it. If you want to take the risk (not recommended), film it. Take photos of yourself after he hit you, find a place to stash your evidence as well.



Thanks for the advice... It's hard to record all the time as you never know when he is going to react but I will try. VAR has helped me reconfirm that he is still in touch with with the other woman. Never thought it could help me in this way too... Thanks again!


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

PM sent.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

whywhy804 said:


> Nope until I make sure my kids are okay!!!


Your kids will not be okay if their mother ends up in hospital or worse.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Louise7 said:


> Your kids will not be okay if their mother ends up in hospital or worse.


I have no idea what to say... I wish I could rewind my life to few years ago or to a time when I hadn't met my husband.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I've sent this link as a PM too.

Please have a look at the site. I am sure that the local police force will have details of womens refuges etc in your area.

Help for Abused & Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters & Support


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



whywhy804 said:


> I'm from south asia... If that helps in any way...  we got married and came here to US and it's been15 years in this country... *I know if I take any step, I have no support....*


Yes. You. Will. You may not have the support of your parents or his, but you will ABSOLUTELY have the support of the battered/abused women's shelter. You are a US citizen. You do not HAVE to remain married to this man if you do not want to. 
Stop begging him for sex and any other intimacy. YOU should not be begging HIM for ANYTHING. If anything, HE should be bending over backwards to make YOU happy! He is putting you off because the OW is very much still in the picture. 

Also, find out the divorce laws in your state. If it is a no fault state, you don't even have to list reasons for pursuing a divorce. If you are afraid to look that information up on your computer, you could consult the battered women's shelter for advice, or you could contact legal aid to see what your rights are. OR, if you trust anyone here, yet, you could PM somebody and tell them the state you live in and THEY can look that info up for you. But you DO have options...and you DO have suprt...you at least have the support of the ladies and gentlemen on this site.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

You also have a job which is important - you are at least able to support yourself financially. This man regularly lays his hands on you and he won't stop. He's got you thinking that you can't do without him

You can - get help, it's out there.


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

*Re: Have you ever begged for sex???*



whywhy804 said:


> Have you ever begged for sex from your spouse? We are in R and I was begging him for some intimacy but he totally refused.* In fact he fraught and slapped me. *I can't sop crying... What do I do???


WTF!!!! NO NO NO NO!!!!!! You are in reconciliation and he slapped you???? Slapping your spouse is never okay (no matter the gender). He is an angry child. Even I can be hot-tempered (6 years in the Marine Corps will do that to you), but laying a finger on your spouse in anger is absolutely out of the question! If I were you, I'd be done. 

Listen to me: this is NOT OK. Find a safe place for yourself.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

You've got some good advice, please follow it. I'm happy for you to PM me if you don't want to type something publicly.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Do you know WHERE to get help for abused women near you?
2. If not, tell us what state you're in, and we'll tell you where to call.
3. CALL THESE PEOPLE from somewhere other than your house. They will give you support, information, help to get your H out of the house where he cannot terrorize you or the children.
4. Do NOT believe you are on your own. YOU ARE NOT. The laws of the USA will protect you and your children. The staff at the women's shelter/abuse hot line will be there 24/7 to help you.
5. The laws CAN force your H out of the house. The laws CAN force your H into anger management classes. The laws CAN force your H to support you and the children if you two divorce. 

You KNOW you need to divorce him! Do you want your girls to marry a jackass like him when they're in their 20s? THEY WILL if you don't teach them better what to expect/demand in a marriage. Do you want your sons to believe it's OKAY to act like this to wives and children? THEY WILL if you don't teach them BETTER...that it's unacceptable, illegal, despicable, inexcusable behavior that is NEVER OKAY and NEVER to be tolerated...not for one single day.

When you KNOW better, you will DO better. NOW, you know better...get some help for you AND for your kids.


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## whywhy804 (Jan 16, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the advice!!! I will look into the link and find out more info... Thanks again. I feel more stable today.


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