# once, twice... does it matter?



## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

In our 17 years together My wife confessed to 2 one night sexual encounters. She swears it was just once to both men. We are trying to move on. I don't believe it happened only once with these men. I think she is hiding the truth. Does it matter? 

I think one night stands are more disturbing because it shows that your wife can stray even without emotional feelings to other men.
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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It matters to me personally, but to my H he thought of it more along the lines of "1 time or 100 times its all the same and always wrong". We are very different that way. I found out he slept with his OW 3 times and each one of them took a piece of my heart in the beginning. And then I realized that she was a w**** and would never be able to take anything from me. And all the sudden the numbers didn't matter anymore.....


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

To me so much depends on the circumstances. Do you know if these encounters happened while she was drunk or anything like that? It's easy to see how a one night stand could happen if that's the case. (which is why I don't think married folk should be out drinking/dancing/partying, etc without the other spouse present always!). Now if not then that's not to say a woman couldn't have a momentary moment of weakness like a man could I suppose. 

I can't imagine what you must be feeling. If these encounters happened a long time ago then there's probably less to be concerned with. I don't know how much detail she told you (or how much you want to know) but it might be a good idea to know how this started and how it happened to avoid it in the future if at all possible. 

Were these old boyfriends on facebook for example? if so then she needs to 'unfriend' any males in her friends list that aren't family or 100% vetted by you. 

Was this an encounter after a night of drinking or dancing at a bar? then no more drinking outside the house, dancing, etc without you, period. 

Were these one night encounters preceded by an ongoing 'friendship' i.e. texting, e-mails, etc. Then put a stop to that and make sure it's monitored as much as you decide it needs to be. 

Hopefully her telling you is because she's had to live with the guilt and can't take it because she loves you, wants to be with you and has no desire for anything like that to ever happen again.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yes it matters. Your wife is a serial cheater. Once can possibly be forgiven. Not twice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask her to take a polygraph. That should settle it.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

It only matters if it matters to YOU. Either way, what's done in done. If you don't feel her honesty now, you might never feel it - even if you have it. Its a tough place to be, I know.

A wise poster here once said that those of US who are choosing to stay with 'serial cheaters' can only do one thing: keep yourself happy, keep your spouse happy, and keep your spouse "out of the cafe" - meaning, don't allow the opportunities they have taken advantage of to creep into your life/relationship. 

Its our choice to be with people like this. So for our sanity, we have to add that "keeping them out of the cafe" business to our plates. Otherwise, we are better of leaving. 

Sorry, I think I'm posting more about MY marriage than yours.:scratchhead:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh I have a perfect answer. Seriously--it is perfect. 

It matters if you think it matters. 

No seriously--that is the deciding factor. I do know some people who decided that it was not important how many times, one night stand or not, etc. but that they would stay and just never, ever have sex without a condom EVER because the spouse had already proven they were a serial cheater...but in every other way they got along fine and the marriage recovered. 

I do know other people who heard of the second affaire, one night stand or not, and bolted for the door never to look back. Whether they get along fine was of NO MATTER--the partner was sexually immoral. 

So in real life it does matter if it matters to you. I can tell you if it would matter to me. I can tell you if it would matter to my Dear Hubby. I can tell what the Bible says about it and allow you to interpret it for yourself. But in the end, you are the one in the relationship with your partner, and you two are the ones who decide how to handle this. You can choose to stay and be congenial roommates if that works for you (fyi "friendly, civil" not conjugal  ). She could choose to admit she has an addiction to sex and go to therapy for it (if she believes she has that issue) and you might then stay because she's actually trying. See? There are a zillion ways this can go. And what matters to me may or may not matter to you.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, by the way, I can tell you first hand that emotional longer affairs are VERY VERY VERY painful. My H has had longer term of both EA and PA. VERY VERY painful. I wouldn't in anyway try to minimize a one night stand, but trust me, knowing that the person you are closest too has shared their emotional closeness with someone else is awful.


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## PlainJoe (Jan 11, 2010)

stillINshock said:


> Oh, by the way, I can tell you first hand that emotional longer affairs are VERY VERY VERY painful. My H has had longer term of both EA and PA. VERY VERY painful. I wouldn't in anyway try to minimize a one night stand, but trust me, knowing that the person you are closest too has shared their emotional closeness with someone else is awful.


True. What bothers me with one night stands is that it did not take much effort on the other guy to get it going with my wife. It just proves that when I'm not there, she can do it at a drop of a hat, and still be nice and sweet to me when I see her. It bothers me everytime she's not with me...
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## kalaina (Mar 29, 2010)

I am dealing with the one - one night stand. That is bad enough. I know you want someone to give you the straight answer of yes you should stay - or no you should go...no one will. 

I think that is the hardest part. You are in love but angry, so you don't know what to do or believe. Personally after the first one, it has been almost unbearably hard. However, she dumped two on you at one time. 

So, I don't know, I hope you can make a decision and stick to it. Think about yourself, and your strength. Good luck and remember your didn't deserve it.


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