# My world is falling apart and i don't know what to do



## Staringattheabyss

Hi,

Ill start by saying i have never reached out like this before. Sure i have friends but most of the time advice is one sided naturally. I need balanced advice form ppl that may have experienced what im going through now.

Im a 46 year old farther of the most beautiful 10 year old girl. I have a beautiful wife of 13 years(21 years in total) 7 years my younger but this weekend gone everything changed.

Me and my wife have always been able to let each other go out on nights out we had that trust. For weeks my wife had been planning to go out on a hen night she said that she would be staying out all night as they had booked a hotel room to stay in. This weekend when she went to go she said to me that she didn't need a lift(normally i would play taxi) I thought it a bit strange but didn't think anything of it and of she went. On the next day, Sunday, i had arranged to take my daughter round to my sisters and have a family meal/get together. Normally my wife doesn't attend as she gets bored etc, it's something that's happened for years which ill explain further down.

Anyway i messaged her asking if she would be back before we went at around 2pm. She replied nah i'm going to be staying out a bit longer and i didn't give it another thought. However while at my sisters i started to get this nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. So when i got home i asked my wife where she had been. She replied "Instagram worthy places" but couldnt name an actual bar and became defensive when pushed. I thought it a bit wierd to be honest so left it about 30 mins. Now i was quite a social person and had many friend in different social tiers some very dangerous ppl and some very wealthy ppl. I formulated a plane in my head and when i spoke to her again about 30 mins later i said "were you out with any men last night?" her reply was "well i was out" so i said "well i have 2 texts form 2 different ppl saying they saw you with a man, were they pulling my leg or is it true" to which she replied "i dunno"........

Of course at this point my whole life dropped out of my arse so i left the house without another word and went to a friends and explained what had happened. He said you need to get back and talk to her as her response wasn't a response form someone with nothing to hide.

I went back and sat ont he bed next to her and asked her what had happened, she said i know what happened and i said no you need to tell me. Anyway she didnt tell me but it was pretty clear what had happened so i asked who it was. It took 20 minutes of me constantly asking, interrupted with bouts of me saying how could you do this not just to me but my daughter. I have experience of this type of thing when my mum and dad split and no matter what anyone says it mentally scars you and completely changes your outlook of what family life is, i swore then that i would never do that.

Eventually she told me iut was Andy. I though Andy form her work but no it was Andy one of my oldest friends.......

Of course at this point on a Sunday evening everything changed, i could handle a stranger but a friend.....again!!! Yes she had done this near the beginning of our relationship 18 years ago. I forgave her and i trusted her ever since. But there's a kid now a very bright funny caring polite girl who life is about to change forever.

Anyway i have been rambling abit so ill get on with this.

On Monday while i was speaking to my wife trying to find out the why's she says to me that she hadn't slept with him she just said it to hurt me. Well it worked a little to well because come tuesday night after not having any sleep since saturday i tried to kill myself. Now before you focus on this point let me assure you, im ashamed of that im ashamed of putting my wife through that - yes even now i still love her. I think it also shocked my wife i don't think she understood fully just how much pain and suffering i was feeling. I wont go into details etc but my oldest friend realised where i was and found me in my car drunk as a skunk with pills everywhere, what stopped me?? My daughter the vision of her at my funeral was too much for me and i couldn't do it. I have sought help since then and there's absolutely no intention of doing that ever.

They both said that they just started talking in January because they were both feeling down etc and it just progressed form there and nothing had happened untill the weekend

So currently i have arranged to go stay with a friend form this coming Sunday for a week about 250 miles away. She's said she thinks we need space, after speaking with "andy" i do believe that they didn't sleep with each other but i suspect that if this hadn't happened it was only a matter of time.I know my wife hadn't been happy but every time i asked her i never got a straight answer it was always vauge dunno's or i don't do the hovering you know just the general stuff most wife's have a gripe about with their husbands. I kept saying to her i cant fix what i dont know is broken but she never really opened up and told me anything really. You know she could have just sat me down looked me in the eye and told me im a **** for x,y and z reasons but it didnt happen  But apparently she could talk to andy because andy himself is going through as messy divorce right now entirely of his own doing.

I admit im not the worlds best husband, i have been stressed this past year with covid and work etc and maybe i wasn't approachable or i wasn't asking her the right way etc maybe i haven't done as much as i could around the house etc. and i know our sex life has suffered as i find it hard to get in the mood recently but she never spoke to me about it.

While im away though im going to clear my head, i really want this marriage to work i'll do anything to make her happy etc She said she wants to think about if we have a future in this time too. I hope she does and i have said that no matter what we have to see a councillor even if we divorce we have to prove we tried and we cant just throw 21 yeasr out the window. Regardless of what happens this has changed me, im going to get my self fit again, stop smaoking, eat better and generally look after myself more. Im going to show her if she gives me a chance but even if she doenst im still doing it because i always want her to think she made a mistake. Ill show and and the rest of the fing world.

But i have thoughts now that she only wants this space to get her self setup and i half expect the locks to be changed by the time i get back. 

This Andy bloke after speaking with him and after he's been ostracised by our social circle has said he wont contact her again and will back away. He's clinically depressed and on the strongest anti depressants, the stuff that takes months, years to get off. Im mortified that my wife would even consider that as a suitable environment for my developing 10 year old daughter i just cant compute that. Im sorry this has been long read but i needed to set the scene before i asked the advice.

Is it worth it?
Do you think they would contact each other, i have never had that experience so dunno how strong the feelings can be between them
Why couldn't she talk to me?
Is there anything that i can say to her that would make her sit up and listen?
I'll loose everything in a divorce, my home my wife and my kid. Seeing your kid 3 nights a week isn't the same. is there anything i can do to stop her taking her to this "andy"?
what the **** do i do?


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## Diana7

If they didn't have sex together then why the need for a hotel?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Brother, you by no means have the entire truth. Cheaters lie and i can attest from personal experience. Your situation is only temporary. Keep that in mind not a permanent place. I would ask her to leave the home until you feel comfortable having her in your presence to answer questions which you will develop while she is away.

How frequent are her “Hen Nights”? If they are frequent, this is not her first rendezvous with ol’ Andy.

You are depressed. I have been in your shoes. You can and will get through this. Seek help from a medical professional and get some meds to help you cope on a temporary basis and avoid alcohol and tobacco. Start focusing on you!

Hit the gym. Work in getting in better physical shape and become a lean and mean better version of yourself. Your first priority is to seek help from a mental health professional and get yourself into counseling. To hell with your wife right now. Focus on you and your daughter.

PS: I am with Diana7 she got a hotel room to shag Andy...end of story. Do not live in denial and move out of infidelity.
You deserve the best and your wife right now is not it.


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## CatholicDad

Hi brother- take care of yourself and don’t let evil wreck you. Your daughter is worth living and fighting for! Who will teach her about goodness, love, and virtue if you’re not around or if you let this destroy you mentally. Ask God for the strength to endure and read about the selfless sacrifices made by the saints.


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## In Absentia

Diana7 said:


> If they didn't have sex together then why the need for a hotel?


"They both said that they just started talking in January because they were both feeling down etc and *it just progressed form there and nothing had happened untill the weekend*"

I think they did have sex...


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## Mr.Married

How can you make her stop talking to Andy?

That’s the wrong question.... very much the wrong question. Andy isn’t the problem. Your wife is the problem. You can play “wife police” the rest of your life if you like but I don’t recommend it. You need to change your entire outlook on this situation. Your approach will only get you more of the same treatment in the future. You have about 10% of the real story if your lucky. Stop letting your wife be in control of what you think and how you react. The accountability for the remainder of your life is yours to be in control of ... not her. Get out in front of this .....


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## Dictum Veritas

Hi Staringattheabyss,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in so much pain and shock.

First things first, cheaters lie and they lie a lot. They will always minimize what they have done and at most admit to what they think you know and just enough to make you think they told you everything. This has so few exceptions that it is statistically impossible that your [W]ayward [W]ife is the exception to this rule.

She has admitted to an [E]motional [A]ffair already. This is an established fact and is already a marriage ending level betrayal.

Now, let's look at the one evening "The Hen Night" you are aware of. Your WW lied to you in order to meet another man and was gone for the whole night. Would she lie to you about meeting And (or any other man), risk your wrath and have nothing sexual happen? Both your WW and Andy are adults. They are not early-teenagers who sneak behind the shed to have a "I like you" conversation with giggles and blushes and don't kiss because of cooties. They are adults with feelings for one another and when adults get together, especially if they had to lie to people they supposedly love to make it happen, they have sex.

You need to clear the cobwebs and realize that the chances that this is a full blown [P]hysical [Af]fair is really a foregone conclusion.

You are still in shock and you don't have to decide now if [R]econciliation or [D]ivorce is the route you wish to go. Regardless of which path you choose, the initial steps are always the same.

*Lawyer (Solicitor)* - It is a good idea to consult with a legal professional who specializes in divorce at this stage. You need to know your legal standing as to assets and custody. It will help you form a better picture of what a future as a divorced man might look like.

If you have the kind of divorce laws that makes divorce a lengthy process and you can retract or halt the proceedings at any time, you might be wise to file the divorce and have her served. This will show her how seriously you take this betrayal and kick her backside into gear to be either an actual wife or run. If she runs, you don't loose something that has not been lost already. If you decide to R, you can cancel the process, but if D is your path, you have not wasted any further time.

*Doctor (STDs)* - You need to get tested for STDs. You don't know where else Andy has been and for that matter, since your wife is now a proven liar, you don't know for sure about further extra-marital activities either. Some of those bugs are deadly.

Insist your wife be tested for STDs as well. In addition to making sure that she doesn't have an STD, you also drive home how little you trust her as well as the reality of her betrayal. Even if she insists that this has only been an EA, this will show her that she has shattered all faith you had in her word.

*[V]oice [A]ctivated [R]ecorder (On your person)* - Since this is very likely heading the legal route, you would be wise to record any interactions between yourself and your WW from this point on. It will keep you honest, keep a record of her lies and/confessions and most importantly serve to protect you in case she decides to file a false [D]omestic [V]iolence or similar charge to get you out of the house or gain other advantage. The latter happening more and more and some attorneys actually covertly advise their female clients to do so.

*VAR (In her car or where she makes phone calls)* - You can gain insight into your wife's thoughts, plans and feelings by covertly recording her interactions with people. Knowledge is power and can help you determine if this affair is over or not.

*[N]o [C]ontact* - Have your wife type and send a short no contact message to her [A]ffair [P]artner. No "I'm sorry", no good-beys or I'll miss you or anything. The AP must simply be informed that there is not to be any contact between them again, ever, PERIOD. You need to review this message and watch her send it. He (Andy, her AP) needs to be blocked on all forms of communication from ever contacting her again. If she balks on this, you have nothing to work with and proceed with D. While they are still in any contact, this is an ongoing affair.

*Social Media, messenger software , Email and Device Accounts and passwords* - Insist your wife documents and hands over a list of all her email accounts, messenger software accounts and social media accounts with passwords. Locked phones and computers are off the table for her and you have to have passwords to all her devices. Inform her that she has lost the right to privacy through this betrayal and that the only way you would consider R is complete transparency and access of all her communication.

Use this access to verify the information you already have as well as to know the full extent of what you are dealing with. Message recovery software for cell phones is advised to retrieve deleted communications.

This is not snooping, this is a positive step in regaining trust if your wife agrees to this open transparency. If not, you have nothing to work with towards an R.

*Timeline* - Have your wife write out a complete timeline of this affair. Nothing is to be left out. In doing so she will realize the extent of her betrayal and you will gain insight into her what, why, who, where and when's. This is important to make the decisions you need to make about your future. You may want to consider a polygraph test to validate the accuracy of the timeline and tell your wife that you will be scheduling one for that purpose.

*Your Health* - This is going to sound silly, but eat, hydrate and exercise. You are going through a traumatic period and you need to keep and build up your strength and find a healthy outlet for your anger. Stay away from drugs and alcohol.

People around here will give you more and better advice in due course, some of it you might not like, but remember, all of it comes from the hearts of people who care to take time out of their lives to help because they have either been through infidelity or have empathy and sympathy enough to really want to help.

One foot in front of the other and take care these steps take you to the destination you need to be.


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## farsidejunky

They are having sex.

Believe her words at your own peril.

What do her ACTIONS tell you?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

Your wife is a very typical cheater. Nothing special at all. And they all lie like hell. Her sex buddy is gonna tell you the truth? Not a chance.

Unfortunately you are a typical betrayed spouse. You want to believe so bad you are because you can’t handle the truth.
You also are quick to take the blame for her well planned tryst with your buddy. Probably hoping if I caused this I can fix it. WRONG. This was a decision she made because she wanted too.

Shes probably loving the idea of you leaving your home. That makes more time for Andy!!!! Cheaters lie a lot. If you learn nothing else learn that.

Better wake up quick, get and stay strong.

You are a chump because you are allowing it. Only you have the power to do that.


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## Marc878

The other thing. You are going to harm yourself and damage your daughter for a low class lying cheater?
Do not move out of your home!!!! That will giver her and her lover complete control. Now is not the time to be stupid.


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## Marc878

Double post


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> If they didn't have sex together then why the need for a hotel?


It may be that they tried, and he could not get it up due to the AD medications, or his ongoing depression.

The man knows his body, and he knows his limitations.

That said, he has fingers and a convincing tongue.

My opinion? 

If intercourse were a possibility, both were game.

You know they shared a bed, right?

That is consummation of the deed, yes.

The fact that she elaborately planned this outing, his hopeful, get inning, she is a cheat and a flagrant liar.

From what you said, she is a repeat cheater, a serial sneak.

She deserves no amnesty. She deserve a hard divorce.

_Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars

Any marriage partner who wants out, and is fed up with their partner, should amicably divorce.

Just say no, to sexually trying out a future partner, before the official separation, or better after a divorce.
No secret trysts.

Easy to say, hard to do.

TAM stories are proof of that.

Few can make that clean break, and not attempt that monkey branching.

Alone, being alone, is that place that most fearfully avoid.

Falling out of love, and into the welcoming arms of another is much more comforting than jumping naked into that cold dating water.

Many of these trysts serve their purpose as a temporary refuge, a warm body to hold, a soft set of lips to soothe away your anxiety.


_Are Dee-_


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## Kaliber

Staringattheabyss said:


> Regardless of what happens this has changed me, im going to get my self fit again, stop smaoking, eat better and generally look after myself more


Do this for you!
And when you do it, and be the best version of yourself you will know the answer to this question:


Staringattheabyss said:


> Is it worth it?


You will then find out she is not worth it, she did this before and now again, *and god knows how many times in between!*
Work on yourself, you will find better!

And no you will not lose every thing!
Talk to a lawyer and you will find out how things will look like if you get a divorced!

And YES they had sex, why do you reckon there was a hotel booking?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

You can and will get through this. Left foot right foot breathe and repeat. Take care of your daughter and you. That’s an order


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## Staringattheabyss

Hi All,

Thanks for the advice i hear what you have all said. I'm beginning to think your all right thought it pains me to think it. I have booked a table at a nice restaurant initially i wanted it for just us two before i went however she suggested we take our daughter. I think during this meal i will see if there's anything there, i suspect not but one thing i will do is me and my daughter are gonna have a wail of a time. Just so she can see that i do love my daughter and its that child that she hurt not me.

The meal is tomorrow night so im going to use it as a final opportunity to make her see what she is going to miss and the pain that will follow.
I'll update here again tomorrow evening to let you know how it went. Its interesting that not one person here thinks i should give her another chance maybe my friends were right and i shouldn't


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## Tested_by_stress

You're being gas lighted OP. She definitely had sex with him and most likely ,it's not the first time.


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## Marc878

For gods sake don’t do the infamous “pick me dance” or try nicing her back. Most betrayed spouses jump right into this because it’s easier than taking a hard stance. Those techniques work against you every t. It makes you look weak and needy while making her other man look strong. He doesn’t need to play games to get her.

IMO you should just take your daughter and leave your cheater wife at home. You are rewarding her horrific behavior which she’ll see as she’s in total control.

I think you’re setting yourself up for failure but at this time you’ll do it anyway.

Never accept the unacceptable!!!!!


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## Marc878

Living on hopium and denial just keeps you in limbo. You can only be a chump if you allow it.


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## Marc878

Staringattheabyss said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Thanks for the advice i hear what you have all said. I'm beginning to think your all right thought it pains me to think it. I have booked a table at a nice restaurant initially i wanted it for just us two before i went however she suggested we take our daughter. I think during this meal i will see if there's anything there, i suspect not but one thing i will do is me and my daughter are gonna have a wail of a time. Just so she can see that i do love my daughter and its that child that she hurt not me.
> 
> The meal is tomorrow night so im going to use it as a final opportunity to make her see what she is going to miss and the pain that will follow.
> I'll update here again tomorrow evening to let you know how it went. Its interesting that not one person here thinks i should give her another chance maybe my friends were right and i shouldn't


Sounds like a weak attempt at manipulation. The exact opposite of what you should be doing. Me or him. I don’t do seconds or plan B!!!!

If I do this she’ll get it. I love her so much she must love me too!!! Nope, that’s not how it works,


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## Staringattheabyss

Ok Ok sorry all i think i didn't put that across correctly what i mean by my last post is she will see what she is going to miss, her daughter being happy with us. . The very fact that everyone here and my friends have said pretty much the same thing has made me realise that yeh im better than that. The best of it will be that everyone will know she a ***** who cant keep her legs closed and cant find her own man (she's has to take my friends, twice) Ironically the 1st time 18 years ago that person was the one who came and rescued me when i tried to take my life the other night, he's been there ever since wierd or what lol

@Dictum Veritas

I'm unsure if i can get away with most of what you said in the UK but i already have a gps tracker on her car and have 3 voice activated recorders 1 for the bedroom, 1 for living room and one for car though it might be tough to get that one in there without looking sus.

I will be taking the week away not to clear my head, you lot have made it pretty clear already but to monitor her movements with the GPS tracker as i cant get the feeling out of my head that she's gonna go see him just dumping my kid on her poisonous mother. The recorders at home are for if she brings him back here.

If i could get evidence of continued infidelity i guess it would make my case in court stringer for full custody? 

I cant have my child being brought up by a woman with no moral compass and a man who's on every anti depressant under the sun and who also stalks pretty 18 year olds on face book, going right into their profiles getting their friends name and photos.


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## Marc878

You aren’t going to get full custody over adultery even if you prove it. It’s mostly 50/50 today for the most part. Although I don’t know English law. Check with an attorney ASAP. You may find adultery may not even matter.


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## Marc878

Staringattheabyss said:


> Ok Ok sorry all i think i didn't put that across correctly what i mean by my last post is she will see what she is going to miss, her daughter being happy with us. . The very fact that everyone here and my friends have said pretty much the same thing has made me realise that yeh im better than that. The best of it will be that everyone will know she a *** who cant keep her legs closed and cant find her own man (she's has to take my friends, twice) Ironically the 1st time 18 years ago that person was the one who came and rescued me when i tried to take my life the other night, he's been there ever since wierd or what lol
> 
> *Nope, she just spent the night having sex with one of your friends and you are taking her out to a nice dinner? You are doing the “pick me dance”.*
> 
> @Dictum Veritas
> 
> I'm unsure if i can get away with most of what you said in the UK but i already have a gps tracker on her car and have 3 voice activated recorders 1 for the bedroom, 1 for living room and one for car though it might be tough to get that one in there without looking sus.
> 
> I will be taking the week away not to clear my head, you lot have made it pretty clear already but to monitor her movements with the GPS tracker as i cant get the feeling out of my head that she's gonna go see him just dumping my kid on her poisonous mother. The recorders at home are for if she brings him back here.
> 
> If i could get evidence of continued infidelity i guess it would make my case in court stringer for full custody?
> 
> I cant have my child being brought up by a woman with no moral compass and a man who's on every anti depressant under the sun and who also stalks pretty 18 year olds on face book, going right into their profiles getting their friends name and photos.


You have zero control over her or how she raises the child or if she introduces her to her shiny new boyfriend.
You can only control yourself and your end. Right now you are all over the place and can’t even do that.
I get it. You’re in shock but you better wake up quick. Check with an attorney.

This didn’t just happen. Go online and look at your phone bill. If you want to know how long it’s been going on. Don’t be shocked at what you see. This was planned well in advance.


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## Marc878

If she’s had 2 affairs she qualifies as a serial cheater. I’d bet it’s twice that you know of. Probably the tip of the iceberg. Wake up…..


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## TXTrini

Hi Staringattheabyss,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know it hurts like hell, but this female is not worth spending another minute on or your LIFE. 

Take care of yourself and your daughter and then check off @ Dictum Veritas' list. Do you have a support system? If not, please consider therapy ASAP. We're here to vent and for guidance. You're not alone.


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## Trident

SunCMars said:


> She deserve a hard divorce.


Unfortunately it won't work that way. If it goes the way of most divorces, she'll get the house and full custody, he will be lucky if he's got enough money left to get a small apartment after paying child support and spousal maintenance. She'll be free to move Andy or some other dude into the house to replace him in his role as husband and possibly father as well.

That's the hard reality of the situation. The fact that she's clearly a lying serial cheater doesn't play into this at all. The courts don't care, nobody cares.

This impending dinner date will not show her what she's going to be missing, because the only thing that will be missing is her soon to be exhusband and she's already got his replacement lined up.

Nowadays there isn't much if any shame in cheating. She'll just tell everyone you were a horrible husband and she was afraid to get away from you and felt trapped or whatever. If anything she'll invoke the sympathy card and most of her friends and family will be more than happy to take her word for it. 

Good news is nothing lasts forever. Eventually you'll be rid of her emotionally and financially and hopefully you'll retain a good relationship with your daughter.


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## GusPolinski

They’re lying. They’ve had sex.

And since she’s a confirmed serial cheat, you should consider a paternity test for your kid.


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## Benbutton

This is too easy...divorce. Reconciling didn't work the first time, why would it work now? It rarely ever does.


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## jlg07

Staringattheabyss said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Thanks for the advice i hear what you have all said. I'm beginning to think your all right thought it pains me to think it. I have booked a table at a nice restaurant initially i wanted it for just us two before i went however she suggested we take our daughter. I think during this meal i will see if there's anything there, i suspect not but one thing i will do is me and my daughter are gonna have a wail of a time. Just so she can see that i do love my daughter and its that child that she hurt not me.
> 
> The meal is tomorrow night so im going to use it as a final opportunity to make her see what she is going to miss and the pain that will follow.
> I'll update here again tomorrow evening to let you know how it went. Its interesting that not one person here thinks i should give her another chance maybe my friends were right and i shouldn't


Dude, she is lying to you. You ALREADY caught her cheating at the beginning of your marriage -- she suffered NO consequences, so it was just a matter of time before she did it again. You already gave her the gift of reconciliation - and she has AGAIN broken her word to you. Your wife is a serial cheat, she DID have sex with this guy no matter WHAT either of them said, and you STILL want to give her ANOTHER chance to screw over you and your Daughter??? She cheated on the FAMILY not just you. She didn't care enough about the risk she was taking to worry about you or her OWN DAUGHTER. What does that tell you about her, even above and beyond that she is a serial cheat? The dinner is IRRELEVANT to anything. YOU need to take control about what YOU want to do with NO THOUGHTS of her right now.

Get with a laywer, figure out what D would look like for you financially, custody/child support, etc.. Does NOT mean you need to file it, but you SHOULD have all the information at your fingertips for this to really know your options.


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## Dictum Veritas

Staringattheabyss said:


> Ok Ok sorry all i think i didn't put that across correctly what i mean by my last post is she will see what she is going to miss, her daughter being happy with us. . The very fact that everyone here and my friends have said pretty much the same thing has made me realise that yeh im better than that. The best of it will be that everyone will know she a *** who cant keep her legs closed and cant find her own man (she's has to take my friends, twice) Ironically the 1st time 18 years ago that person was the one who came and rescued me when i tried to take my life the other night, he's been there ever since wierd or what lol
> 
> @Dictum Veritas
> 
> I'm unsure if i can get away with most of what you said in the UK but i already have a gps tracker on her car and have 3 voice activated recorders 1 for the bedroom, 1 for living room and one for car though it might be tough to get that one in there without looking sus.
> 
> I will be taking the week away not to clear my head, you lot have made it pretty clear already but to monitor her movements with the GPS tracker as i cant get the feeling out of my head that she's gonna go see him just dumping my kid on her poisonous mother. The recorders at home are for if she brings him back here.
> 
> If i could get evidence of continued infidelity i guess it would make my case in court stringer for full custody?
> 
> I cant have my child being brought up by a woman with no moral compass and a man who's on every anti depressant under the sun and who also stalks pretty 18 year olds on face book, going right into their profiles getting their friends name and photos.


@Staringattheabyss , you will be surprised what you can "get away with" if you *have the will to do so*. You seem to want to "*nice her back*" unless she's still involved with Andy and unless she is she will suffer very little in the line of *consequences*. *This never works out well*. If she is still involved with Andy, this weak response will diminish her respect for you and actually *drive her to the man* she now perceives to have a spine (true or not, but in her fantasy land he has one) Andy. I can guarantee you she is still involved with Andy, you discovering her affair will only drive this further underground unless you take very strong action.

Brother, she has to be in *constant fear of losing everything*, her family, her house and all the respect of her family, friends and piers.

The Doctor and the Lawyer in my post, *STD testing and legal advice* should be at the top of your list.

Affairs like mushrooms, thrive in the dark. you need to *expose* this affair to your family, *her family* and selected friends as well (I read you already actioned some of the latter). You need the allies in the months to come and knowledge of the truth having taken wing will quell lies and marital-history re-write stories she would spread to people seeing your marriage in trouble.

Please *take decisive actions*. At this point *if you want to save the marriage, you must be willing to loose it* and take actions that to you would seem to be marriage ending and counter-intuitive.

There is a book: "*No more Mr. Nice guy*" by Robert Glover. It is available for free on the net. Google it, download it and read it. This is a must, because you are displaying classic "Nice Guy" tendencies (sounds like a good thing, but it really isn't).

Passive and nice family type responses to her cheating is all but guaranteed to *cost you your family* now *and your self-respect* in the long run.

It is time to *act, not hope*. Keep the trip in place, if your purpose with it is to detach from her and find perspective. keep the VARS in place, but for pity's sake, re-evaluate the list I gave you and you will find that you can do those things in the UK... Many BSs in the UK have done exactly that and it worked for them.

ETA:
Oh, and *NO nice family dinners for her*. At the moment she is not worth it. Feel free to take your daughter to the restaurant, but a lying WW is not worth the treat. She has to come to terms with how life will look like without you. That reality will wake her up much quicker than you rewarding her adulterous ways with a nice family dinner. She has both you and her lover at the moment and sitting comfortably with her family at dinner, she will know she has you hooked and still be thinking about him. With you and your daughter out and her alone at home, she might start realizing that her comfortable life is in grave peril if she doesn't get her act together.

Remember, until *NC* with her lover is established, she is *still in a full blow, active affair*. Do you really want to take *another man's girlfriend and bedmate* out to a romantic family dinner? No, she has to break up with him first and never speak to him again and since she is a proven liar, prove that she has over a long period before you can even consider such a thing.


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## frusdil

I haven't had a chance to read all of the replies yet, but I just wanted to add my 0.02...they definitely had sex, you know they did, you just don't want to believe it.

Also - GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR HOME, TODAY. Why should you leave? If she wants space SHE can go, but your daughter stays put in the only home she's ever known. Do not leave your home ever again.


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## Kaliber

frusdil said:


> I haven't had a chance to read all of the replies yet, but I just wanted to add my 0.02...they definitely had sex, you know they did, you just don't want to believe it.
> 
> Also - GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR HOME, TODAY. Why should you leave? If she wants space SHE can go, but your daughter stays put in the only home she's ever known. Do not leave your home ever again.


I second that, never leave your family home, because that might effect your custody if you plan to kick this cheater to the curb and divorce her.
You need to know your rights and understand how things look legally, you should be talking to a lawyer yesterday!

@Staringattheabyss, you are a man with dignity and self respect, so don't try to nice her back, and DO NOT DO the "Pick Me Dance", have strength!
As a matter of fact you shouldn't take her on a dinner night even if she asked you, are you playing happy family now? really?! After the biggest betrayal mankind has ever known?

Believe it or not, showing strength, decisiveness and having emotional strength is an extremely attractive traits to women!


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## D. S. G

Marc878 said:


> The other thing. You are going to harm yourself and damage your daughter for a low class lying cheater?
> Do not move out of your home!!!! That will giver her and her lover complete control. Now is not the time to be stupid.





Staringattheabyss said:


> Ok Ok sorry all i think i didn't put that across correctly what i mean by my last post is she will see what she is going to miss, her daughter being happy with us. . The very fact that everyone here and my friends have said pretty much the same thing has made me realise that yeh im better than that. The best of it will be that everyone will know she a *** who cant keep her legs closed and cant find her own man (she's has to take my friends, twice) Ironically the 1st time 18 years ago that person was the one who came and rescued me when i tried to take my life the other night, he's been there ever since wierd or what lol
> 
> @Dictum Veritas
> 
> I'm unsure if i can get away with most of what you said in the UK but i already have a gps tracker on her car and have 3 voice activated recorders 1 for the bedroom, 1 for living room and one for car though it might be tough to get that one in there without looking sus.
> 
> I will be taking the week away not to clear my head, you lot have made it pretty clear already but to monitor her movements with the GPS tracker as i cant get the feeling out of my head that she's gonna go see him just dumping my kid on her poisonous mother. The recorders at home are for if she brings him back here.
> 
> If i could get evidence of continued infidelity i guess it would make my case in court stringer for full custody?
> 
> I cant have my child being brought up by a woman with no moral compass and a man who's on every anti depressant under the sun and who also stalks pretty 18 year olds on face book, going right into their profiles getting their friends name and photos.





frusdil said:


> I haven't had a chance to read all of the replies yet, but I just wanted to add my 0.02...they definitely had sex, you know they did, you just don't want to believe it.
> 
> Also - GET THE HELL BACK TO YOUR HOME, TODAY. Why should you leave? If she wants space SHE can go, but your daughter stays put in the only home she's ever known. Do not leave your home ever again.


do not leave your home. Legally, if it gets that far it could look like abandonment on your part. She’s the one that has to leave. I know you want to believe your wife but people who deceive will lie. They lie over and over so chances are you may never know the full truth. My husband lied so much there’s not a chance in hell I could ever be able to trust him. He lost all that when those lies continued. He threw away our marriage and didn’t really feel that bad over it. I wish you the best, this is very difficult and my heart goes out to you. Stay strong and take good care of yourself.


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## Mr.Married

Your completely misguided if you actually believe that her seeing you have fun with your daughter will change one single thing. She could care less right now .....

Your still under the impression that you have any type of emotional influence over her. That isn’t going to happen.... until you blow up her world that is.

I bet you take her back after she starts with the Boo-Hoo I’m so sorry story. She is only trying to save her butt.


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## aine

What happened to Op, hope all things are ok @Staringattheabyss ?


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## jonty30

Staringattheabyss said:


> Hi,
> 
> Ill start by saying i have never reached out like this before. Sure i have friends but most of the time advice is one sided naturally. I need balanced advice form ppl that may have experienced what im going through now.
> 
> Im a 46 year old farther of the most beautiful 10 year old girl. I have a beautiful wife of 13 years(21 years in total) 7 years my younger but this weekend gone everything changed.
> 
> Me and my wife have always been able to let each other go out on nights out we had that trust. For weeks my wife had been planning to go out on a hen night she said that she would be staying out all night as they had booked a hotel room to stay in. This weekend when she went to go she said to me that she didn't need a lift(normally i would play taxi) I thought it a bit strange but didn't think anything of it and of she went. On the next day, Sunday, i had arranged to take my daughter round to my sisters and have a family meal/get together. Normally my wife doesn't attend as she gets bored etc, it's something that's happened for years which ill explain further down.
> 
> Anyway i messaged her asking if she would be back before we went at around 2pm. She replied nah i'm going to be staying out a bit longer and i didn't give it another thought. However while at my sisters i started to get this nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. So when i got home i asked my wife where she had been. She replied "Instagram worthy places" but couldnt name an actual bar and became defensive when pushed. I thought it a bit wierd to be honest so left it about 30 mins. Now i was quite a social person and had many friend in different social tiers some very dangerous ppl and some very wealthy ppl. I formulated a plane in my head and when i spoke to her again about 30 mins later i said "were you out with any men last night?" her reply was "well i was out" so i said "well i have 2 texts form 2 different ppl saying they saw you with a man, were they pulling my leg or is it true" to which she replied "i dunno"........
> 
> Of course at this point my whole life dropped out of my arse so i left the house without another word and went to a friends and explained what had happened. He said you need to get back and talk to her as her response wasn't a response form someone with nothing to hide.
> 
> I went back and sat ont he bed next to her and asked her what had happened, she said i know what happened and i said no you need to tell me. Anyway she didnt tell me but it was pretty clear what had happened so i asked who it was. It took 20 minutes of me constantly asking, interrupted with bouts of me saying how could you do this not just to me but my daughter. I have experience of this type of thing when my mum and dad split and no matter what anyone says it mentally scars you and completely changes your outlook of what family life is, i swore then that i would never do that.
> 
> Eventually she told me iut was Andy. I though Andy form her work but no it was Andy one of my oldest friends.......
> 
> Of course at this point on a Sunday evening everything changed, i could handle a stranger but a friend.....again!!! Yes she had done this near the beginning of our relationship 18 years ago. I forgave her and i trusted her ever since. But there's a kid now a very bright funny caring polite girl who life is about to change forever.
> 
> Anyway i have been rambling abit so ill get on with this.
> 
> On Monday while i was speaking to my wife trying to find out the why's she says to me that she hadn't slept with him she just said it to hurt me. Well it worked a little to well because come tuesday night after not having any sleep since saturday i tried to kill myself. Now before you focus on this point let me assure you, im ashamed of that im ashamed of putting my wife through that - yes even now i still love her. I think it also shocked my wife i don't think she understood fully just how much pain and suffering i was feeling. I wont go into details etc but my oldest friend realised where i was and found me in my car drunk as a skunk with pills everywhere, what stopped me?? My daughter the vision of her at my funeral was too much for me and i couldn't do it. I have sought help since then and there's absolutely no intention of doing that ever.
> 
> They both said that they just started talking in January because they were both feeling down etc and it just progressed form there and nothing had happened untill the weekend
> 
> So currently i have arranged to go stay with a friend form this coming Sunday for a week about 250 miles away. She's said she thinks we need space, after speaking with "andy" i do believe that they didn't sleep with each other but i suspect that if this hadn't happened it was only a matter of time.I know my wife hadn't been happy but every time i asked her i never got a straight answer it was always vauge dunno's or i don't do the hovering you know just the general stuff most wife's have a gripe about with their husbands. I kept saying to her i cant fix what i dont know is broken but she never really opened up and told me anything really. You know she could have just sat me down looked me in the eye and told me im a **** for x,y and z reasons but it didnt happen  But apparently she could talk to andy because andy himself is going through as messy divorce right now entirely of his own doing.
> 
> I admit im not the worlds best husband, i have been stressed this past year with covid and work etc and maybe i wasn't approachable or i wasn't asking her the right way etc maybe i haven't done as much as i could around the house etc. and i know our sex life has suffered as i find it hard to get in the mood recently but she never spoke to me about it.
> 
> While im away though im going to clear my head, i really want this marriage to work i'll do anything to make her happy etc She said she wants to think about if we have a future in this time too. I hope she does and i have said that no matter what we have to see a councillor even if we divorce we have to prove we tried and we cant just throw 21 yeasr out the window. Regardless of what happens this has changed me, im going to get my self fit again, stop smaoking, eat better and generally look after myself more. Im going to show her if she gives me a chance but even if she doenst im still doing it because i always want her to think she made a mistake. Ill show and and the rest of the fing world.
> 
> But i have thoughts now that she only wants this space to get her self setup and i half expect the locks to be changed by the time i get back.
> 
> This Andy bloke after speaking with him and after he's been ostracised by our social circle has said he wont contact her again and will back away. He's clinically depressed and on the strongest anti depressants, the stuff that takes months, years to get off. Im mortified that my wife would even consider that as a suitable environment for my developing 10 year old daughter i just cant compute that. Im sorry this has been long read but i needed to set the scene before i asked the advice.
> 
> Is it worth it?
> Do you think they would contact each other, i have never had that experience so dunno how strong the feelings can be between them
> Why couldn't she talk to me?
> Is there anything that i can say to her that would make her sit up and listen?
> I'll loose everything in a divorce, my home my wife and my kid. Seeing your kid 3 nights a week isn't the same. is there anything i can do to stop her taking her to this "andy"?
> what the **** do i do?


I'm sorry, but you don't spend two days with a person of the opposite gender and not have sex with them.

She has burned you twice. Do 180 and take care of your kid. She's going to do what she wants, no matter what you do. The courts are going to give the arrangements, no matter what you do 

The 180 is the salvation of your soul.


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