# Feeling frightened for the future, and resentful of ex



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I’m feeling frightened for the future, and resentful of my ex. I posted about it before on this forum when we we going through the break up. Wife was regularly violent and openly disdainful of my needs, while insisting that her needs must be met, or else. I’m sure that a lot of this was the result of a mental health issue, and her therapist said as much to me, that our marriage might have been able to work if I had been able to endure it while she learned new behaviours. But I was an enabler, we were co-dependent, the whole she-bang (without the bang). 

My ex still maintains that it was largely my fault, and that it was things like me not reassuring her insecurities enough and being a bad communicator etc, that forced her to assault me and ignore my needs. I try not to engage with her at all anymore, I only reply to her messages about anything needs be because of the divorce. She is still very angry that I ‘abandoned’ her, which is a charge I really don’t feel I can even begin to address. 

This is a vent, but I am feeling resentful. I want justice, which I know is ridiculous. Of course I can’t be particularly objective, but as far as I’m concerned, she ruined our marriage. We would get along so well together, but then as soon as something was not precisely to her liking, she would throw a tantrum. She never really made an effort to change, because I don’t think she saw her behaviour as a problem – as far as she was concerned, our marriage existed for her benefit, and my feelings were immaterial. She would sometimes apologise for her violent behaviour, but I always felt as if it was lip service, that in fact, in her heart of hearts she regarded it as justified. 

Anyway, ranting about ex aside (that’s what this forum is for, right?) I’m feeling very depressed about my future. I know that I need to just pull myself together, but it does feel better to say these things and get it out of my system. 

I’m not very old, but I have always been awkward around people, and the thought of dating another woman, much less having a relationship with one, is not something I can see myself ever doing again. But, I’m going to be very lonely, because that’s the way I am – I’m introverted, and it takes me a long time to get comfortable with anybody. What few friends I have are dotted around the globe. 

Sorry for the vent. Feel better for it, though.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Force yourself.

To talk to bar maids.
To talk to store clerks.
To talk to lady neighbors.
To talk to any two legged sweet smelling creature with boobs.

Make small talk. Talk about anything. Where you were where you are going. Problems you had today. Whatever. Make up a running script to say.

By doing this you will get in the practice, the habit of talking, especially to women.
Do the same with your male mates. Talk to your dog. Just talk out loud.

Speaking is a learned behavior. And it gets better with practice.
When you are off by yourself, talk out loud extensively about something that you are good at. Something that you knowledge of, know all the facts on.

I did notice....
You write well...

And, well, if you write well you can speak well. It only takes practice.

When talking with women ask them a lot of questions, Nothing too personal. Let them talk and you fill in the 'dead air' space. Keep them talking...and they will return the flavor.
The flavor of the day.

Just Sayin'


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I too, was an introvert.

Huh !?

How is that possible?
I kept the Martian at bay.

At bay, fishing for sharks.
Swimming with barracudas.

One day he stepped forward and whumpa-clunked my side of 'our' head.
He became the dominant half. 

And TAM is the recipient receiving reservoir.

To all the Moderators displeasure.
Except @MattMatt.......................odd bloke out, he is.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Everyone feels this way after a troubled relationship that ends.

Everyone says they'll never do this, that, and the other again (because at that moment, they just can't picture it ever happening again).

I told myself after divorce I'd never marry again. I was ready to live alone with 40 cats in an abandoned missile silo on the side of a mountain. And I was going to be perfectly happy for the rest of my days. Maybe go to the sperm bank and be a great, single mom and stay single until I die.

I'm married again to a much better man than my ex. A much better man for me. And I wasn't actively looking for him, he just kind of chanced upon me when I was giving one last shot at dating.

The best revenge is to live well. Exorcize the demons that eat at you, because they will stop you from moving on.

Your ex will never be or say sorry. I waited years to hear my apology and I will never get it. I've moved on anyway, so I don't care.

Trust me, she knows her behavior was ****ty. You leaving her says as much. She may tell others you abandoned her and she may feign ignorance, but she knows what she did. Have your revenge by letting her go completely so you can heal and be a better person. You will naturally draw in ready women with your strength and independence, but you will repel them if they detect you are not healed and over your past life and codependency.

It behooves you to improve and to heal yourself, for yourself and no one else.

We all enjoy a vent from time to time. Then it's time to take a deep breath, end the pity party, and forge ahead with clear goals toward self-improvement.

What are your long term goals? Not expecting an answer, just think about them. Think of where you want to be in 1, 5, 10 years time then take the first baby steps toward getting there. Increase the effort exponentially and deal with the bumps and hurdles as you follow the arrow.

Such is life, which will pass you by if your attention is focused on the past.


----------



## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Satay gave you good counsel and she speaks truth. Now isn't the time to date if you just divorced, but later, once you have been able to process in a healthy way the tragic death of your marriage and have learned from it you will be able move on. The resentment will abate so long as you don't choose to wallow in it. Your choice.

One thing you can do right now is end all contact with your ex. Send her a letter letting her know that you are blocking her number. I have done this--and we have kids who are minors--and it has saved me a world of grief and resentment. Occasionally I will send an email but they are terse and businessy. I almost never see her or talk to her and it works out great. No doubt I healed faster because of it. I am a happy person now, though it took time to reach this point because I cared about my marriage and my family. Anyway, the best I can give my ex now is my silence, and you know what they say: Silence is gold.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> Everyone feels this way after a troubled relationship that ends.
> 
> Everyone says they'll never do this, that, and the other again (because at that moment, they just can't picture it ever happening again).
> 
> ...


I am sorry, @Satya
Now you have heard it and now you can relax.

I am sorry that i was not there for you.
I have 'only' three lives this time around to live, one died---->Red Dog...
The other duo.... remain dust.
All used up on other endeavors, other decades apart from yours'.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

As far as I'm concerned, also, she ruined her own marriage. And yours.



vauxhall101 said:


> She never really made an effort to change, because I don’t think she saw her behaviour as a problem – as far as she was concerned, our marriage existed for her benefit, and my feelings were immaterial. She would sometimes apologise for her violent behaviour, but I always felt as if it was lip service, that in fact, in her heart of hearts she regarded it as justified.


Yes, sir. All abusers regard their violence as justified. They blame their victim, not themselves. It is the essential root of being an abuser. Their victim's feelings are immaterial, the marriage does indeed exist for their benefit alone. Their apologies are empty, "lip service", as you say. They return to abuse again over and over and over. There is not true repentance.



vauxhall101 said:


> I want justice, which I know is ridiculous.


No, sir. Your ex-wife is a criminal who should be in the slam. Spousal abuse is a crime. It is most certainly not ridiculous to want justice. I don't know whether you can get any, but it wouldn't hurt to try.



vauxhall101 said:


> her therapist said as much to me, that our marriage might have been able to work if I had been able to endure it while she learned new behaviours.


Now, sir, you have described ridiculous. This is a crock. *This is not your fault*, your ex-wife CAME IN to your marriage with her "mental illness". Her "mental illness" is that she was a spoiled brat who was allowed to operate in her own selfishness and got by with it by abusing those who challenged her will. 

She, sir, would have caused ANY marriage to fail, because there is NO ONE who should "endure it" while she learns new behaviors. I seriously doubt the competence and the effectiveness of this "therapist".


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Satya said:


> Everyone feels this way after a troubled relationship that ends.


Exactly!

Get involved in stuff you enjoy. Walk trails alone if that is what you like. Play music, go to movies, go to the gym. Whatever it is you enjoy, make sure to do it.

Even better, go to meetup dot com and look for groups in your area doing things you like. I've found the people who do meetups are the kind who cheerfully welcome new people. There will be many divorced singles there as well as all other types. We have classic movie get togethers in people's houses (showing dvds of Hitchcock etc). Music and karaoke. Walking dogs. Motorcycle rides. Learn to cook. Yoga. You name it, there is a group for it.

The key is to meet new people and just hang out doing whatever you like. Talk to people. Many of them are in the same position you are! No pressure to date or impress anybody, just have fun.

You'll become much more confident in your casual interactions, which will make dating easier. At some point you'll start wanting to date. Until then be social without any pressure to date.

My experience was I found there wasn't enough time to do all the different things I want to do! Dating is almost too much of a time soak. Luckily I found a woman who has many of the same interests.

Just do keep involved with other people. Meetup, adult education classes, yoga or other exercise classes, etc. There's a ton of free stuff to do if you look, so it doesn't have to cost money to stay social.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Satya said:


> Your ex will never be or say sorry. I waited years to hear my apology and I will never get it. I've moved on anyway, so I don't care.
> 
> Trust me, she knows her behavior was ****ty. You leaving her says as much. She may tell others you abandoned her and she may feign ignorance, but she knows what she did. Have your revenge by letting her go completely so you can heal and be a better person. You will naturally draw in ready women with your strength and independence, but you will repel them if they detect you are not healed and over your past life and codependency.


Thank you for all responses - I know, that’s why I thought I’d host the pity party on here, and not have to inflict it on anyone in the real world! At the time of our break-up, I said to her over and over "If you don’t want me to leave, what are you going to do to make this relationship tolerable for me?". I never really got a reply. 

I know what you mean, I find myself wanting to just scream at her "WHY DID YOU DO THIS?? We could have been happy", all she had to do was _try_ and be reasonable, and occasionally act like she cared about my needs and feelings. Childish, I know.

I still love her, of course, which is horrible. She still loves me too, but her love now is more like an accusation, lol (but really not lol, really crying inside). 

On the netflix show ‘Master of None’, the main character in that is probably around my age, and he’s always going on dates and having dinner with women and such, but just the thought of that is utterly exhausting to me. I know it’s strange, but I’m a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, so I feel as if my chances are very limited of ever finding the right person (although I am devastatingly handsome, natch). I don’t want children either, and I don’t know how many intelligent, attractive, 30-something women there are out there, who are single and have no children nor any desire for any. 

Long term goals, I have been working for myself over the last year or so, I really want to make that a long-term thing. Perhaps someone I can talk to and listen to and who won’t mind that sometimes I’m grumpy. And peace to my ex. Peace be to her and love for her poor, wounded soul. 

I like getting this out of my system. It's like vomiting, feel better now.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> "WHY DID YOU DO THIS?? "


She, of course, did this because it was her learned behavior mode. She learned that throwing tantrums got her way for her. Thanks to mom and dad who were also self-interested and took the easy way out which cost them less in terms of time and effort.



vauxhall101 said:


> "We could have been happy"


I think YOU could have been happy. But a person like your wife is NEVER happy. Getting one thing means something else must now be gotten.



vauxhall101 said:


> all she had to do was try and be reasonable


Yes, correct, but from her perspective, she did "try" and was "reasonable". She abused you because you just made her so mad.



vauxhall101 said:


> occasionally act like she cared about my needs and feelings


No, incorrect. She would have to have actually cared about your needs and feelings. She had never in her life cared about anybody else's needs and feelings, I'm sure she "acted like" she did occasionally, but that didn't generally last more than a few hours or days.



vauxhall101 said:


> Childish, I know.


Yes, but it is her who is childish. She had parents who didn't see it as their job to make an adult.


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> On the netflix show ‘Master of None’, the main character in that is probably around my age, and he’s always going on dates and having dinner with women and such, but just the thought of that is utterly exhausting to me. I know it’s strange, but I’m a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, so I feel as if my chances are very limited of ever finding the right person (although I am devastatingly handsome, natch). I don’t want children either, and I don’t know how many intelligent, attractive, 30-something women there are out there, who are single and have no children nor any desire for any.


This is one of the things I miss about being single. Meeting and flirting with new women. It's pretty awesome even if it goes nowhere.

I'm introverted too, until I get comfortable. With meeting women, poke around and find out if they're on your level. If not, so what? That's the game.

Even bad dates turn into good stories to tell!


----------



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I too believe I will not get married again as it is so hard to date! I no longer visit bars, if I do, then 90% the guy is only interested in sex. I have better luck online dating but so far, little progress. Most attractive men my age that I've met don't want to be tied down and are enjoying their single/partyboy lifestyles. It's difficult to meet someone who 1) wants a relationship 2) is attractive enough 3) can click with me. 

I think I tend to self-sabotage a lot and assume guys only want sex & I might be repelling them subconsciously, who knows. 

You are only in your 30's, there are sooo many lonely single women who don't want kids/have already had kids - if you don't mind stepchildren. There are many who would give the world to marry a patient loving man like yourself so I don't think you'll find a shortage of eligible women


----------



## Notself (Aug 25, 2017)

This was me, right down to the abuse. Right down to the wanting to scream "Why did you do this" and right down to the still loving her. It took close to a decade for me to stop loving her because I was enmeshed, codependent, and all those other things. If I could do one thing differently, I would have got into therapy immediately after my divorce and tried really hard to figure out who I was as an actual human being, without her. Instead, I dithered, checking her social media accounts EVERY DAY FOR YEARS. Don't do that. 

You deserve a clean break, because you may not know it, but your life is about to get a LOT better ... if you let it. Therapy, seriously. You may have relationship-caused PTSD if you were abused, and you want to fix that as quickly as you can. And go cold turkey on her. Your life will be at its best if you can manage to never speak to her again.


----------



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

TJW said:


> *This is not your fault*, your ex-wife CAME IN to your marriage with her "mental illness". Her "mental illness" is that she was a spoiled brat who was allowed to operate in her own selfishness and got by with it by abusing those who challenged her will.
> 
> She, sir, would have caused ANY marriage to fail, because there is NO ONE who should "endure it" while she learns new behaviors. I seriously doubt the competence and the effectiveness of this "therapist".


Something happened yesterday to make this wound raw for me, and I am annoyed at myself how important it is to me that ex-wf realise certain things - that the breakdown of the marriage was because of her behaviour. For example, of the problems in our relationship, me not telling her she was beautiful often enough, or her physically assaulting me and showing no remorse, which should have taken top priority as a problem to be dealt with and which really could have waited. I really really want for her to understand that she could have avoided it all. 

I know it's stupid, and I'm certainly not going to contact her about it (that's why I'm venting on here), but I want her to realise that truth. It was her **tty behaviour that wrecked the marriage. I still can't shake the horrible feeling that if one morning, she had just woken up and said to herself "You know, from now on I am never going to throw another tantrum. There's never a good enough reason for it", or she would have just acknowledged what a gargantuan problem it was in our relationship, it could have and would have been fine. We could have worked through everything else. Maybe I should write her a 'letter never to send'. 

Of course I am partly to blame, for her terrible behaviour too, because I allowed it to happen. She even once said to me that "if I didn't like her violent behaviour, I should have had an intervention for her", and at the time I scoffed, because it seemed like such a ridiculous thing to say (adults shouldn't need to be told that physically attacking your partner is not acceptable), but I do know that I enabled her. I didn't give her proper boundaries, and I always caved when, for example, after the latest blowup, she would sulk for a few days and then she would tell me she was going crazy and she needed my help and such (very rarely a genuinely contrite apology though). 

Although she swears it could never happen, I think she'll get into a new relationship (maybe she has already), and I imagine that after a while the same problems will surface. I hope not, because I really would like for her to be happy, but to be completely honest, I can't imagine it. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe it was just me and her, and she'd be fine with anyone else. 

I'm really warming up to vent now! She never viewed therapy in the right way, imo. She liked the sympathetic ear, and, and I know I'm being self-absorbed here, but I think she liked going to therapy because it allowed her to gather 'ammunition' to use against me in arguments ('my therapist agrees that you're an a-hole, any right thinking person would agree that I'm righteous and you treat me terribly'). After going to the same therapist six or seven times, she'd quit, and go to a different one. 

I went to a couple of therapy sessions with her (as marriage counseling), and I know that one therapist thought my wife had borderline personality disorder (and someone said the same thing when I originally posted on this forum), and, whatever label you give it, I think she had a mental problem which effectively turned her into a small child the second she felt 'threatened' - which would be things like, me not agreeing with her emphatically enough about politics. Tantrums are manageable when it's a small child, but when it's an adult, you don't know how to respond. How can someone be so unreasonable? How can they be such a hypocrite, etc. 

(my mother was an alcoholic who committed suicide, and I always felt the same way about her - she could have given up drinking and made everybody's life tolerable. But she chose not to. I'm sure I carried a lot of these types of feelings into my marriage). 

It's the familiar lament of every marriage break-up, but I can't help thinking about what could have been. My wife could be an absolute delight, and indeed, she was, 90% of the time. But 10% of the time she was a nightmare, utterly impossible, and that made the 90% of the time impossible too, because I was always just walking on egg shells, waiting for the next explosion. It's pathetic I know, but why didn't she love me enough to care about my feelings, and how badly it hurt me and our marriage when she behaved this way? Why couldn't she have done whatever it took to restrain herself? 

The next phase of my life is going to be very lonely, and I have always struggled with depression/sadness. I work from home, and even going to a work meeting once every 2 months is stressful for me, never mind going out and socialising with new people. Although I am going to have to move again soon, so I'll just have to force myself to go out and meet people, and maybe some angel sent by the spaghetti monster will swoop down and help me.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You are feeling and thinking what almost everybody does in this phase.

My xw was the perfect girlfriend when we were dating. In a lot of ways she was an excellent wife. But, she had some deep flaws which caused irreparable damage to the marriage. She had some ideas, behaviors, and reactions which were extremely dysfunctional.

Once in a while the girl I dated would show up in the marriage, and it was soooo nice. But only for a short time. Things could have been so different had she consistently been the person I dated, but she wasn't capable of it.

The truth is, your wife is who she is. She shows her real self to you all the time with her various abusive behaviors, both physical and emotional. Yes, you could have set boundaries, but she would never have been the woman you wanted her to be. She may have made some minor adjustments to your boundaries, but she would still be who she is.

You have accepted blame for her behaviors and psychological issues which are not yours. She was this way before you met her. Don't beat yourself up like this!


----------



## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

It is not your fault that you were assaulted, it was all her. There are many victims of assualt and it is difficult to go though a divorce much less one that also included harmful behavior. Everybody has a limit of what they can handle and you finally had the courage to say, no more. You are worth it, you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be treated with love, you deserve somebody who is kind, you deserve to have a future that is happy and meaningful with somebody beside you. 
She is clearly not dealing with her true issues because she would accept her part in the divorce and acknowledge that you diserve better than she can give you right now. Maybe one day she will get a ahha moment.
As an introvert it must be very difficult to connect with people. I am sure your friend might know somebody who is single that you might find interesting. Its not going to be easy and most times you might not want to be bothered with the idea of dating. Remember that you are worth the investment and deserve love.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

sadlyme said:


> As an introvert it must be very difficult to connect with people. I am sure your friend might know somebody who is single that you might find interesting. Its not going to be easy and most times you might not want to be bothered with the idea of dating. Remember that you are worth the investment and deserve love.


I am not the big outgoing social event kind of person. Definitely I tend towards being an introvert. I certainly enjoy and value my alone time. Yet I have had numerous women (neighbors, coworkers, etc) try to set me up with single friends of theirs. Even without trying to find someone to date, there are many opportunities.

The idea of dating can be intimidating. I really like the non-dating social activities. My interests include music and motorcycles, so I have joined in various activities in those areas. There are endless possibilities, like volunteering at local charities. Or lectures at the local museum. Grab someone to go with you, or just go yourself. For me it was a big help in being social again.


----------

