# What if he never wants to talk about...



## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

*US!
*
I am very worried because no matter what I do, he does not want to talk _anything_ about us. Feelings towards our relationship, sex talk, having dates... Anything.

He will talk about our baby, about plans for the house, getting this or that for it (we got our house a year ago and we don't have a dining room, living room and a lot of other stuff). Usually he will talk about family issues, or what happened during his day at work, or about his friends, or football, movies, or tv shows... etc. 

But when it comes to talk about me and him he shuts up completely... And since he always does that, I decided to go on and live like that, never telling him about my feelings. But sometimes I get tired, because I know there's stuff that needs to be talked about. 

Whenever I try no matter how, he will never listen.

_The last time he heard me was when I left the house (Oct.2012) because I told him I have had enough:

*That day, I wanted to have some beers and just have fun at home with him... But as always, he wasn't in the mood to have beers with me... So I sat outside the house and started drinking by myselfa. After half an hour he went there with me and asked what was going on. I started telling him everything I felt and ended up saying I was done and that this time I didn't even needed to have a fight to decide I was done with him. And the next day, while he was at work, I tried calling him to talk (because I wanted to let him know I was leaving -- when actually I wanted him to tell me to stay, and to talk about what I had said the night before, but he didn't, he hung up on me...) He got home, took a shower and left home again... So did I... for a week. 

I didn't hear anything about him since the day I left and after 5 days... hje texted me asking how I was and I texted him back. We agreed to see each other the next day to TALK. That's the onyl way I think I can make him talk. Always after "trying" to separate from him...
_

Two nights ago, we were watching a movie were some ladies were pole dancing and I asked if he liked that... so he said he liked seing the girls but not getting lap dances. I started feeling insecure, so I asked what could I do to motivate him (to have sex), because we do it like once a week only and I also wanted to know what he liked, etc... and he asked me to stop (asking)... so I kept asking(I know, nagging again! :/) and then he shut up. Then I asked again and calmly told him that I was being nice trying to tell him how I felt and that I wanted to know why would he reject me for sex sometimes but he was totally shut... and that was it. 
I left the room for a smoke and then came back to sleep with him. Hugged him but he just kept telling me to back off until I gave up.

***Let me add: 
-When I left him on October, one of the reasons was because he went to a party and had his shirt stained with "an old friend's" makeup and I found some flirtting fb messages with the same lady afterwards.
-He has been "wonderful" since October, but I am affraid he will be flirtting again.
-He hasn't been out by himself (except in December, to a friend's party which he invited me to, but I decided to stay home with our baby) and he came home at 12-1am.

--He pays almost all our bills and helps me pay some of my debts (bank for example). Gives me money when I need it without me asking for it. Helps me doing some housework. He's always thinking about upgrading our house and lets me know what he wants to do. Takes care of our baby every single afternoon (We both have a full time job). Stays home every week/ weekend with me and the baby. 


But still... there's something missing there... 


*Can anyone give me some feedback? Tips for our communication. Please... He does not want to go to marriage counseling, so that's not an option.

Any ideas about what can I do in this situation???


I have thought about doing the 180... but I think it's not necessary yet... I am not sure!
*

*And thanks in advance.*


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Its not uncommon for a man to act like a deer caught in the headlights when a woman says we need to talk. In their minds it usually means you want to talk about what they are doing wrong, things your not happy about, how they are disappointing you. It actually really hurts them so they clam up and avoid what they feel is mainly going to be critisism of them. Sometmes when we talk about our feelings and the relationship we actually do critisize quite a bit without realizing when we really just want to make things better. Do you think you have done a lot of that when you have tried to have these talks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Well, I try not using ever "we need to talk" anymore...  But I don't have any more ideas about how to motivate him to talk about US.

Sometimes I think "facts instead of words..."

Ideas please!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Lots of red flags there. If I were you I would do some heavy digging into his relationship with his "friend".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Lots of red flags there. If I were you I would do some heavy digging into his relationship with his "friend".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have his fb password (which he doesn't know) and they have not talked since October. His phone never rings at home either, and I have not found any strange text... (But I know, from previous experiences, he usually deletes some stuff...) 

Still red flags? I am just really scared he is doing something behind my back.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, LOL, men tend to do much better with facts! Diwali is right, there are some red flags here but I'm going to stick to communication.

You are using one term interchangeably.
Talk means YOU speak and HE listens. But does he hear what you have to say? It seems not, from what you wrote.

Reread what Inarunt posted. Men hear personal criticism when women don't mean to criticize. When a woman says, we never do anything together, a man hears: You don't take me out! When a woman says, we never talk, a man hears: You don't listen to me.

So, what, exactly do you want?

Do you want to share your feelings? "I feel loved when you tell me you love me, or when you hug me when you come home from work." Then you can add some facts to make it palatable; "and you haven't hugged me yet today so......"

Do you want to share your concerns? "I am concerned that I don't get enough fun time with you?"

Do you want to change the way he relates to you? "I would like it if you would look at me when I talk to you." Then you add your feelings; "it helps me feel like you're listening to me if you look at me when I'm talking to you."

These are basic communication errors people make.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You are using one term interchangeably.
> Talk means YOU speak and HE listens. But does he hear what you have to say? It seems not, from what you wrote.
> 
> 
> ...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Has he always been like this? 

I would take a two prong approach. First let me say I am not trying to be negative but I've spent enough time on TAM to know that when a spouse has a gut feeling about infidelity they are usually right, sadly. 

It is incredibly common for the cheating spouse to go into "deep mode" after they are found out. They will up the sex, become more loving, cut off all contact with their affair partner via the method that the betrayed spouse knows about. 

You might want to look around in "coping with infidelity" to get more information or start a thread there. They are absolute experts at helping people with all aspects of infidelity. 

It's very common for cheaters to give one password and then start using another method of communication with their AP. (affair partner)

Many wayward spouses have extra burner phones, extra email addresses or have texting apps on their phones that are password protected. If the phone never rings when he's home and it used to ring I would think something odd is going on.

If I were you I would look into the cheating aspect and then learn about how to communicate in a more effective way. 

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You would do better if you were more specific, both in your posts here and with your H.

What exactly do you want?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You are BOTH part of the problem. It's not just him. It's not just you.

The way you approach things is your part of it. You recognize that you're nagging, so why do you keep doing it? It sounds to me like when you asked the question, he answered it. But instead of feeling satisfied, you turned it into an interrogation. 

If you want him to tell you his feelings, you have to be interested. You have to be listening. And you have to make it safe for him to do it. That means no criticizing and no interrogation. Take what he is willing to tell you and ponder it for a couple days before bringing it up again. Right now, what is happening is he tells you something and you immediately latch onto YOUR agenda. 

If you're wanting him to listen to you, you need to talk to him in a way that doesn't make him feel bad and that keeps his interest. You might say, "Hey, will you give me five minutes of uninterrupted time so I can vent about someone who made me upset today?" Or say, "I'd love to cuddle for a few minutes before we go to bed. Think it could be arranged?" But don't tell him what he's doing wrong, or show a bunch of negativity. Be upbeat as much as possible even when you're angry so he knows it's not HIM that is in the hot seat.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Venusina, you and I sound very similar and the advice given here is something I've really absorbed. I've found that when I'm sensitive and generally unfulfilled with other stuff in my life I start focussing on him more and our "issues".

"Take what he is willing to tell you and ponder it for a couple days before bringing it up again. Right now, what is happening is he tells you something and you immediately latch onto YOUR agenda." 

This is exactly what I do as my need for instant gratification and removal of uncomfortable feelings kicks in. It doesn't work and only drives a further rift between the two of you (thanks Kathy for that gem)

Are you happy with your job? What else is going on in your life? Are you attention seeking? If so why do you think that might be?


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I know exactly what you mean when you say "he listens but he doesnt reply". I can relate. It makes me feel alone and isolated. Like I'm in a marriage made for one. Also frustrated and depressed as it feels like he doesnt care.

Emails are great for this as he doesnt have to reply instantly. Have you tried sending him an email or a letter? I find talking when emotions are heightened is not good for my H and I.

Try and see this through. I know it's emotionally draining and you may feel rejected. I know i did/do. But don't become numb as this is when one is most susceptible to an EMA or other unhealthy coping mechanisms.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> You are BOTH part of the problem. It's not just him. It's not just you.
> 
> The way you approach things is your part of it. You recognize that you're nagging, so why do you keep doing it? It sounds to me like when you asked the question, he answered it. But instead of feeling satisfied, you turned it into an interrogation.
> 
> ...



Words like these make me put my feet on the ground again... Thank you!


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Thank you very much for your responses everyone. 

I apologize if my post it's not very clear... My native language it's not English, and when I am trying to write what I need to "say" I get so excited I think I get confused. Sorry :/

Red flags: I am a very JEALOUS person, and I am working on that. If he wants to cheat, there's nothing I can do to stop him... That's something I cannot control... So, I am working really hard on staying calm because I am usually thinking he would cheat with ANY woman in the world... I actually think he's always looking for opportunities to cheat and it's really frustrating and depressing leaving like that.  This does not mean I will let him be unfaithful to me and just go on like that. Is there anyone out there that feels the same as me?


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

empty3 said:


> Venusina, you and I sound very similar and the advice given here is something I've really absorbed. I've found that when I'm sensitive and generally unfulfilled with other stuff in my life I start focussing on him more and our "issues".
> 
> "Take what he is willing to tell you and ponder it for a couple days before bringing it up again. Right now, what is happening is he tells you something and you immediately latch onto YOUR agenda."
> 
> ...




I am happy I am not the only one who feels like this... I was starting to feel weird. 

Could it be I am not happy in other aspects of my life? 

-I am always affraid he's going to cheat on me... or that he likes any other woman but me. (This is something I've felt in all my relationships...).
-I tend to think sometimes he does not love me and he's just with me because of our house and our baby.
-I haven't finished going to the University and makes me feel mediocre. 
-I want to change my job because it also makes me feel mediocre :/
-I feel bad that I look "bigger" in size than he is... I'm 5'6 and a lil bit heavy and he's 5'7 and slender. Plus, he looks 10 years younger than he actually is.


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## TryingandFrustrated (Nov 7, 2012)

inarut said:


> Its not uncommon for a man to act like a deer caught in the headlights when a woman says we need to talk. In their minds it usually means you want to talk about what they are doing wrong, things your not happy about, how they are disappointing you. It actually really hurts them so they clam up and avoid what they feel is mainly going to be critisism of them. Sometmes when we talk about our feelings and the relationship we actually do critisize quite a bit without realizing when we really just want to make things better. Do you think you have done a lot of that when you have tried to have these talks?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think a part of this as I tried to explain it to my wife a while ago was that I know when she says this "We need to talk", she already has an agenda and everything she wants to say (and probably hear) sorted out in her mind and you are hearing it for possibly the first time. In these situations I do my best to listen to her and try and carry on the conversation. But if it is too deep or really caught me off guard I'll ask if we can continue the conversation tomorrow when I've had asome time to comprehend and think about the issues she has brought up.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

It could be since the problems are it seems your feelings.Like nothing he is "doing' that he can really change he doesn't want to talk about it because he cant fix it perhaps?I mean sure in dream world he could say words to lift you up and encourage you about not being mediocre or your insecurities about him cheating.But maybe he just isn't good at that..IOW all these problems are really sort of "in your head" and he doesn't know how to say words to "fix it"..


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