# Confused and Disapointed



## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

I dont know where to start. A few months ago I found out my husband had been getting a little to personal with a female coworker. When I confronted him he indicated that she was just the lady that offered to buy food for him. (He cant leave premises for lunch) I checked his phone logs and he had tons of texts from this woman even pic texts. Once again I confronted him and he said he texted her alot to confront me about me checking his phone. Now, I dont know what those texts said since all i had access too was his telephone bill records. He went off telling me this lady was a lesbian that I was just insecure and crazy. Well about a month later, I found some letters. Apparently he had been letter writing with some other female coworker for some time. The letter indicated how beautiful and gorgeous she was. How much he admired her and how good she made him feel. He told her she made him forget about his problems etc. When i confronted him he told me it was an old letter. Well he didnt even thought I had read it. In his letter he told her about what he had done over the weekend with his wife and kids but of course in the letter he told her he had done those things alone. So I knew letter was not old. Once again he said i was crazy and nosy and insecure. To me thats a form of cheating he says its not. He was pursuing other women. I cant get past this and its destroying our marriage. I have been blamed for all this because I checked his devices and his phone records. Its my fault he says. He says i have no right snooping around. He says I am insecure about him talking to women. I just want the truth I want clarity. I cant live this,way. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to be honest about this form of infidelity. Any advise? 

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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Doesn't sound good. He's definitely having an Emotional Affair (EA). Could have went physical, but you'll have to dig deeper to find out. 

How's the rest of your marriage? Is the intimacy (sex) still alive?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Any advise?


You know he's flirting with and pursuing other women, you know he's telling other women they are beautiful, and you know he is lying to you. My advice would be to get all your ducks in a row for a divorce, because he is NOT thinking of you, he is thinking of his penis with other women. You KNOW this, you don't need any more proof of this, so don't let his lies get in the way of you taking care of yourself.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

1- File for divorce
2- Get a good attorney


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I don't get why some spouses want their partner to admit that what they are engaging in is an affair. Are you so co-dependent towards this person that they even need to validate what your eyes see for you to believe it? You know it is cheating. It is immaterial if he doesn't fess up to it. So what are YOU going to do about it?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

What he is doing is called gas lighting you, and making you feel crazy or trying to by convincing you that what you have seen is not really what you have seen.

Unfortunately, until he actually believes that you are not buying it by you taking some action, it will continue.

Assuming you are intelligent, and you are, you know what you have found. Inappropriate contact at the least between your husband on probably more than one other woman. 

Time to get into CIA mode and find out what is going on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The letters he wrote.

Were they printed or handwritten?

How come he kept copies of them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Doesn't sound good. He's definitely having an Emotional Affair (EA). Could have went physical, but you'll have to dig deeper to find out.
> 
> How's the rest of your marriage? Is the intimacy (sex) still alive?
> 
> ...


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## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

EunuchMonk said:


> I don't get why some spouses want their partner to admit that what they are engaging in is an affair. Are you so co-dependent towards this person that they even need to validate what your eyes see for you to believe it? You know it is cheating. It is immaterial if he doesn't fess up to it. So what are YOU going to do about it?


Its not his admittance I am looking for. And trust me I have tried to leave but he refuses to let me. He uses my child and our house ad his leverage. If i leave he tells me i am still liable for half the house payment and he would enforce it.

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## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> The letters he wrote.
> 
> Were they printed or handwritten?
> 
> ...


Hand written and it was a response to one she had written to him. 

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## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Doesn't sound good. He's definitely having an Emotional Affair (EA). Could have went physical, but you'll have to dig deeper to find out.
> 
> How's the rest of your marriage? Is the intimacy (sex) still alive?


What intimacy? None....

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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Your attorney tells you what you are liable for, not your ass hole husband. 
In all likelihood you will have the opportunity to buy him out and if you cannot he will either have to buy you out or sell the house.

Seems like your husband has appointed himself chief magistrate as well as chief adulterer.

Get to an attorney, when you know your legal rights where you live you will be more prepared to punch the bully back in the nose


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

happilyindependent said:


> Its not his admittance I am looking for. And trust me I have tried to leave but he refuses to let me. He uses my child and our house ad his leverage. If i leave he tells me i am still liable for half the house payment and he would enforce it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


You're smarter than this, right? 

The great thing about a divorce, it just takes one person. The attorneys will haggle over what happens to the house and your other replaceable crap. The big thing will be custody, child support, and details of your child. If you two can't decide, a judge will decide for you. In most cases, one person keeps the house and has 12 months to refinance it. If they are unable to, you sell it and split the profit/debt 50/50. 

Just leave him. Good riddance. Divorce isn't that bad. It set me free and I'm now the happiest I've ever been. It cost me around $100k when it was all done and I don't even care. The worst part is not seeing my kids everyday. But with cons, there are pros. For instance, this isn't my weekend with them, so I'm going to the big city with my girl for a concert, staying in a plush hotel, and then going to a NFL game the next day. It's bittersweet having 50/50 custody of your kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happilyindependent said:


> Its not his admittance I am looking for. And trust me I have tried to leave but he refuses to let me. He uses my child and our house ad his leverage. If i leave he tells me i am still liable for half the house payment and he would enforce it.


You seem to think that he has all the power here. He does not.

Do you have a job? Or is he the sole bread winner? Do you have access to money, or does he control the money?

Is he physically abusive?

You can file for divorce. When you file, you can have a custody and time-sharing plan put in place for your child. You will get at least 50% custody. If you cannot afford the house payment, you can force the sale of the house. You should be entitled to about 50% of all assets to include any equity in the house.

He cannot force you to make half of the house payments.

If you cannot afford an attorney but he makes enough to pay for one, or has enough in savings, you can ask the attorney to petition the court to have your legal fees paid out of community/marital assets.

If you want to get more evidence to prove to yourself that he is cheating, you can probably get the texts off his phone, even if he has deleted them. There are ways to pull deleted text messages. Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering. *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html*

Your best bet is to stop talking to him about his cheating. Just step back and watch and gather evidence until you have enough that prove 100% what is going on. The letter you have alone is a lot of evidence. But you seem to need more. Don't tell him what you find until you have a plan of action. If you need to, come here and we will help you do some planning. Cheaters seldom admit that they are cheating. They are liars. So they lie. So, until you have solid evidence they will gaslight. And even after you have solid evidence they will gaslight. But you will know 100% that he is lying and gaslighting.

Look at the link for the 180 in my signature block. That's how you need to interact with him now.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

happilyindependent said:


> Its not his admittance I am looking for. And trust me I have tried to leave but he refuses to let me. He uses my child and our house ad his leverage. If i leave he tells me i am still liable for half the house payment and he would enforce it.


Stop acting like you live in some third world country where goats are more respected than women and cheating assclowns like your husband can call all the shots and 'refuse' to let you get a divorce. You live in *Texas*, not East Jabib for crying out loud, so you're just using that as an excuse to stay right where you want to be. Otherwise, you would have taken the time to go see a lawyer and get *EDUCATED *about how divorce law and child custody law actually work.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

I should have done that. Get educated about divorce not just take my exwife's word and her attorneys word when they said the agreement was fair. Do you know what my divorce agreement is good for? Wiping my own behind that's what it's good for.


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## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Stop acting like you live in some third world country where goats are more respected than women and cheating assclowns like your husband can call all the shots and 'refuse' to let you get a divorce. You live in *Texas*, not East Jabib for crying out loud, so you're just using that as an excuse to stay right where you want to be. Otherwise, you would have taken the time to go see a lawyer and get *EDUCATED *about how divorce law and child custody law actually work.


I know I am in Texas and I know the laws. Yet its not as easy as you think. My situation is a bit different due to the fact we dont own the house. We rent it. I have already spoken to landlord and as long as i am on the lease I am responsible. We are also not legally married which makes it harder for me to fight for anything. 

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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

But your child is his child, correct?

by the way, how long have you lived together? time to see your attorney to find out if any common law marriage applies.

He might have to pay child support.


How much longer on the lease? 

I hope you do not marry him, unless your attorney tells you that you would be better off.

Good luck to you, but go see an attorney to make a plan.

keep copies of the evidence you have. Get a recorder to protect yourself.


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## happilyindependent (Aug 7, 2015)

harrybrown said:


> But your child is his child, correct?
> 
> by the way, how long have you lived together? time to see your attorney to find out if any common law marriage applies.
> 
> ...


We have been together almost 7 years and yes the child is his. He refuses to leave the house because he says he wants his child to grow up with both his parents. He has a very peculiar way of thinking. He says so many ugly things and indicates i am weak for wanting to leave him. He says i am crazy and insecure and O should mind my own business. Isnt my marriage my business? He says i am very uniteresting to him. All this started after my pregnancy. I am done. But he makes it difficult for me to completely close this chapter. He wants a marriage but wants the freedom of doing whatever he wants for his ego. 

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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

happilyindependent said:


> I know I am in Texas and I know the laws. Yet its not as easy as you think. My situation is a bit different due to the fact we dont own the house. We rent it. I have already spoken to landlord and as long as i am on the lease I am responsible. We are also not legally married which makes it harder for me to fight for anything.


You would only be on a yearly lease agreement, right? 

Do you have any family that would loan you the money (interest-free, pay it back when you can)? I gave a cousin money one time when she was needing to leave a bad situation and going down the divorce road under just such conditions, three years later when she paid me back in full she shared it was the one catalyst needed to make the change she needed (escaping the rental lease). 

Search out local family assistance programs... if you are not already a working professional, become one and get enrolled in the local community college (if your child is pre-K they often have subsidized or free care for indigent students) and build confidence in your ability to support your child and yourself.

Anything you can do to be mindful of your potential and build your inner strength to see the power you have in you will reward you.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

He doesn't want to leave the house because he knows what happens to divorced guys once they're out of the house.

He is shamefully using your child as an excuse to stay.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

happilyindependent said:


> We have been together almost 7 years and yes the child is his. He refuses to leave the house because he says he wants his child to grow up with both his parents. He has a very peculiar way of thinking. He says so many ugly things and indicates i am weak for wanting to leave him. He says i am crazy and insecure and O should mind my own business. Isnt my marriage my business? He says i am very uniteresting to him. All this started after my pregnancy. I am done. But he makes it difficult for me to completely close this chapter. He wants a marriage but wants the freedom of doing whatever he wants for his ego.Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


So... why not step aside from the abuse?

I know it sounds easier than done, but no matador thinks the bull will change course in the charge, it's always the bullfighter that shifts, and "bull"-fighting is exactly what you are doing. 

It may sound funny, but the phrase "Toro" is one I use often in my mind in situations that I am challenged with enough and haven't found the perfect path yet. But once that path is found, the "bull" never follows because it has lost sight of me.

Perhaps such thoughts will aide you too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happilyindependent said:


> I know I am in Texas and I know the laws. Yet its not as easy as you think. My situation is a bit different due to the fact we dont own the house. We rent it. I have already spoken to landlord and as long as i am on the lease I am responsible. We are also not legally married which makes it harder for me to fight for anything.


This might be helpful to you.

Common Law Marriage Fact Sheet ? Unmarried Equality

When is the lease up?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

See your attorney, he should not get what he wants and you get a Sh*t sandwich.

sorry you are in the situation.

Get some help to change this situation.

any relatives close by to go see?


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

When the lease comes up for renewal, do not sign it. See if you can send your landlord a certified letter now stating your intent to discontinue the lease when it's next up for renewal in case he tries to forge your signature. 

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