# will he stay so confused



## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

Hi i am new and really need advice, i have no one to talk to and feel so alone and confused, to cut a long story short my partner of 3 wonderful happy years has out the blue said he loves me but does not think he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he is totally confused and doesn't know what he wants, have since found out he likes someone he works with and has taken her out for a drink - nothing more, he said he wont leave me in the lurch, - he pays the mortgage and bills as i only work part time, 2 jobs on min wage, he wont see us (me and my 17 yr old son) on the streets, and will stay till its sorted, well that was 2 months ago, he is still here and still confused, last week he said he thinks its over and wanted to move out or into the spare room, i cried all night and he said come on lets go to bed and watch a film, he held on tight and cuddled me all night, took me food shopping the next day and said you look sexy today, next day was late home from work , got stuck on a job he had to finish, i didn't believe him and he said well i may as well go if you don't trust me, i said if you show willing i will start to show trust, he is still here and still not in the spare room, we had a good weekend together and now i am even more confused ? anyone have a clue what's going on because i havn't - is he havng a mid life crisis?


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Quite possibly he is having a midlife crisis, certainly a crisis of some sort. By "partner" do you mean to imply you are not married?


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

No we are not married. anyone got any advice please help


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'm sorry but he's more involved with the other lady than you realize. His behavior toward you is known as "cake eating". He wants the benefits of having both of you simultaneously. In other words he's cheating on you. Sorry.

Do whatever you can to get independent of him. Even though he says he wouldn't leave you in a difficult situation you would be a fool to believe him because it is a well known fact around here that cheaters lie. The sooner you can wrap your mind around these facts, the sooner you can extract yourself out of the "hell limbo". Best of luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm not saying this to be mean, but he's not confused -- you are. When someone says they don't think they want to spend the rest of their life with you, BELIEVE them. If he changes his mind, it will be temporary. Don't go through your life wondering. He's having at least an emotional affair already, he's telling you he wants out, he's doing you "a favor" paying the bills for now, so it's time to figure out your next steps and plans, then make them happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to start figuring out how you are going to support yourself. He's in an affair. I would not believe him when he says nothing is going on. Cheaters lie.


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

Thanks for the replies, and for the 180 list, well he is still here, and he swears on his daughters life he has done nothing more than take her for a drink and that was weeks ago, he said how can i leave you for someone else i don't even know, he didn't go out at the weekend except to see his daughter, the last few days he has started to show me his text when he is going out to prove where he is going, why is he doing this ? is he actually showing willing like i asked ? i am trying to show i don't care and turned away in bed last night, he immediately cuddled me and hung on all night. i am now more confused. is there hope ?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Does he want to work on the relationship? If not, he is showing you what you want to see. He could be getting clever and hiding his relationship with this woman better. 

Be cautious and don't be afraid to play spy games to verify he is where he says he is and with who he says he is with.


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

I have access to his e-mail and facebook though he doesn't go on it, but not his phone, i am watching everything very carefully, i am paranoid about everything. I don't know if he wants to work at the relationship and i don't want to ask at the moment, i am trying to show i'm not bothered, just listening and observing what he does, you are right he could be just showing me what i want to see, time will tell i guess.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

So he wouldn't leave you until he knows someone better. Like, maybe after he "took them for drinks" a few times?

Why wouldn't you just simply ask him wtf he actually wants you to believe? He either thinks you are Plan A (wants to be with you, and said something he didn't mean)... or Plan B (doesn't want to be with you long-term, but has no better, firm option at the moment). sounds like the latter to me...

The uncertainty between "I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with you" vs. "How could I leave you for somoneone I don't even know?" + cuddling each night would drive me crazy, and I can't understand how you'd not just address this directly with him, have an adult conversation to try and see where his head is at so that you at least have a starting point of reference. 

You ask here if there is any hope, but the one to be directing it to is the guy you live with. I get the fear of getting an answer you don't like, but is that any better than not knowing either way, waiting for the shoe to drop?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

vickyp said:


> Thanks for the replies, and for the 180 list, well he is still here, and he swears on his daughters life
> he has done nothing more than take her for a drink and that was weeks ago, he said how can i leave you for someone else i don't even know, he didn't go out at the weekend except to see his daughter, the last few days he has started to show me his text when he is going out to prove where he is going, why is he doing this ? is he actually showing willing like i asked ? i am trying to show i don't care and turned away in bed last night, he immediately cuddled me and hung on all night. i am now more confused. is there hope ?


Your comments are telling. We in the TAM community have seen these comments from cheaters before. They have a specific and predictable pattern that can be identified by seasoned betrayed people such as many of us here.

We have observed that "swearing on xxxx life" is often a specific indicator of cheating. 

Your other comments describe a phenomenon known as gas lighting. Look it up. It will help you to cope when you step back and realize that some of his comments and actions are mutually exclusive, thus there is deception in him. 

This mutually exclusive behavior of his is what is putting you into a state of confusion because your mind and heart do not know which message to believe. When in doubt always believe actions before words. 

Consider the possibility he has another phone kept secret from you in order to better gas light you by letting you check data on the decoy phone. Cheaters will execute elaborate strategies in order to gas light you for as long as possible so they can continue cake eating. 

It's probably time for you to go into spy mode. Mouth shut, eyes and ears wide open. Don't talk to him about the suspected cheating, just let him think he has succeeded in gas lighting you and he will eventually slip up and reveal his true self. 

I hope you can get to the truth soon. There is a chance he is telling you the truth, but the evidence doesn't look so good. Good luck.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

vickyp said:


> Hi i am new and really need advice, i have no one to talk to and feel so alone and confused, to cut a long story short my partner of 3 wonderful happy years has out the blue said he loves me but does not think he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he is totally confused and doesn't know what he wants, have since found out he likes someone he works with and has taken her out for a drink - nothing more, he said he wont leave me in the lurch, - he pays the mortgage and bills as i only work part time, 2 jobs on min wage, he wont see us (me and my 17 yr old son) on the streets, and will stay till its sorted, well that was 2 months ago, he is still here and still confused, last week he said he thinks its over and wanted to move out or into the spare room, i cried all night and he said come on lets go to bed and watch a film, he held on tight and cuddled me all night, took me food shopping the next day and said you look sexy today, next day was late home from work , got stuck on a job he had to finish, i didn't believe him and he said well i may as well go if you don't trust me, i said if you show willing i will start to show trust, he is still here and still not in the spare room, we had a good weekend together and now i am even more confused ? anyone have a clue what's going on because i havn't - is he havng a mid life crisis?



OP 

He's throwing you kibbles ...

~sammy


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

Thanks for the replies, no he does not have a secret phone i search through his things so i would know, yes we have talked till the cows come home about what he wants and he still says he is totally confused and doesn't know, he knows i can't take much more before i throw him out, he said if he wanted to go he would of walked already - he did that twice before - he has been married twice, he said this is harder than when he walked out on his daughter, and he thinks the world of her, i just want him to wake up and realize he has been a complete idiot and come to his senses


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

i woke up this morning feeling so depressed, he has been out 3 nights on the trot, once for softball, once to to take his daughter to see his son (from his 1st marriage) who he hasn't seen for months , then last night his son rang and needs some plumbing help he had water leaking and he went off with his tools, i stupidly got angry and said that's a coincidence isn't it not heard from him for months then 2 nights on the trot, he got angry with me for not trusting him !!! now i am so depressed and annoyed with myself i should of pretended i didn't care, but i do and i so worried he will also go out tonight or tomorrow night and i don't know how much more i can take, i said it seems like you don't even want to be in the same room as me, and he snapped back well were still in the same bed aren't we.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you economically dependent on him?


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

Yes longwalk i am , i only work 9 hours a week on min wage, if he goes the house willl have to be sold and me and my son will have no where to live, that's not the reason i want him to stay though, despite what he has done i still love him.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can't remain together if he cheats and flaunts it in your face.


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## vickyp (Aug 26, 2014)

I know you are right longwalk, i don't have much fight left, we had a good friday and sat we went shopping for the day had a good laugh went for lunch, then around 5pm he said i am supposded to be going out tonight, anyway a bit later on he did and did not come home, at 3 in the morning really peed off i text him, just what sort of a low life scum could treat another human being this way, half an hour later he came home, he was full of apologies, fell asleep at his mates and came home as soon as he could, do not know what the truth is but we had a long chat and i said last week you wanted out and said there was no hope and you are still here, he said yes i do not know now what i want, so i have said from now on you treat me with respect, you do not stay over and you have to show willing or you can go, we spent the day shopping and lunch, we shall see, i am willing to give it another week then if he keeps going out i shall have to tell him to go. i know you think i am mad to do this but i still love him.


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