# Blindsided



## 901 (Jun 13, 2012)

I'm new here. Ran across this forum as I was searching for answers to what is going on in my life. A lot of stuff I've seen posted here has made sense, so I figured I'd throw my situation out and see what you guys think. 

I'll start with a bit of history I guess. My wife and I have been together for about 12 years. Married for the past 7 of them. Other than just small arguments about random things, we've never even really had any fights throughout our life together. The first real fight was about 8 months ago. She felt we were not spending enough time together. (going out, going to bed at the same time, etc) From then on I feel like I had been trying to do right by that and we seemed to be getting along great. So to cut to the chase, last Saturday I had to go out of town for the day and left early that morning. Once she woke up, she called and we just chatted and had a decent time just rambling on the phone with each other for a few hours. I got home that evening and she had a surprise party she had to go to with her coworkers. Before she left, she got aggravated with me about if her shoes were ok with her outfit. Anyway, she left a little upset, but it was just something little. Come Sunday morning, I wake up and she's out on the patio. I go out to see her and she says, "We need to talk." She says she is unhappy and wants a divorce. I never saw this coming. After saying this, she said, she was going to her mom's for a couple days, would be back on Tuesday and would be moving into one of our spare bedrooms. After she left, I was at rock bottom. Spent the next few days trying to figure out what was wrong. I did realize a lot of things. The things I had been trying to fix, that I thought was good, just weren't good enough. I know that now, and I have every intention to try harder, and have been trying harder. My problem is that since that day, she went from being my wife, to being somewhat a stranger. She don't want to try to make things better, and just keeps saying that, "She's done." I don't feel it's fair to either of us, since I had no idea, and I was trying, that she could just give up like that. We talked again a little on Wednesday and she said she wanted to give it some time, that she was worried that the things may just go back to how they were after some time and she didn't want that. So instead of trying and seeing what may happen, she has just given up. She said last night that she wants to go ahead and get a legal separation for now until we can pay down some bills that we have, finish up some college courses we are taking, put the house up for sale (or for me to refi and take it) and finalize the divorce in the spring. It's like she flipped a switch from the "I love you" texts and calls, to absolutely nothing. No emotion. I am so lost and don't know how to get her to try to reconcile and work at it. We've never been in a bind like this and I just don't understand it. I'll stop here, but if you have any advice, or need more info, just reply. Thanks.


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## Antigen (Apr 9, 2012)

Well that really blows.

Since I'm the first responder I'll say the same thing most everyone else is going to say.

She's probably having an affair.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Of course she is.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Do you guys have any kids?

The first thing you are going to hear from the majority of the posters on here is that she is most likely having an affair. I personally do not agree that this is ALWAYS the case BUT you should really look into the possibilities of this, because you never know.

You need to stop focusing on her and focus on you, figure out that there is nothing YOU can do to CHANGE HER MIND on ANYTHING.

Didn't try hard enough? That works both ways. Taking claim for 100% of the failed marriage is something you will have to figure out HOW NOT TO DO.

The answers you seek have absolutely nothing to do with her, it has to do with you.

Codependency, broken boundaries (do not just think of the things YOU did, what has SHE DONE), your self worth, fears of 'being alone'.

If she wants nothing to do with the marriage, wants to do all these things then that's what she wants. You need to come to terms with that.

Sorry you are here, but you are in good company.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Duh


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## 901 (Jun 13, 2012)

I figured I would hear a lot of the "she's having an affair" stuff, but I can honestly say I don't believe that's the case here. No, we don't have kids. We were talking about having some in the next 2 years though. Although we never really argue, we don't have the best communication either. We're both under a lot of stress with work, school, bills, and such, and the only thing I can seriously come up with is that all that has just finally became too much for her to handle. I really think that maybe it just got to that point that it's just easier to quit than to try. Since we are so busy lately with everything, there are times when it just seems like we are roommates. I know that is a lot of the problem. We just haven't had the time for each other like we have had in all the years before. It's a mixture of both of our faults in that matter, but I'm trying to fix it. But it takes two.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

901 said:


> I figured I would hear a lot of the "she's having an affair" stuff, but I can honestly say I don't believe that's the case here. No, we don't have kids. We were talking about having some in the next 2 years though. Although we never really argue, we don't have the best communication either. We're both under a lot of stress with work, school, bills, and such, and the only thing I can seriously come up with is that all that has just finally became too much for her to handle. I really think that maybe it just got to that point that it's just easier to quit than to try.  Since we are so busy lately with everything, there are times when it just seems like we are roommates. I know that is a lot of the problem. We just haven't had the time for each other like we have had in all the years before. It's a mixture of both of our faults in that matter, but I'm trying to fix it. But it takes two.


You guys feeling like 'roommates' isn't a problem, that's the symptoms to the problems yet to be really discovered.

There is nothing to fix if there is only one person at the table, and you cannot do anything to bring them back to the table. Any pleading, begging, and promising will band aid the real issues at hand (that would probably still be completely clueless to both of you) but after a while, it would just go back to what it was and 10x worse.

You also believed things were going just fine, you guys had a nice long phone talk, she went out to a party and in the morning poof, she wants a divorce.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Run the 180 and stay unavailable to her for awhile.

See how she responds.

You`re being foolish if you don`t at the very least have a look at her communications or drop a VAR in her car to rule out any affair or male interest.

Whatever you do don`t start kissing her ass.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Of course she is.


Unfortunately I agree.


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## 901 (Jun 13, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> You guys feeling like 'roommates' isn't a problem, that's the symptoms to the problems yet to be really discovered.
> 
> There is nothing to fix if there is only one person at the table, and you cannot do anything to bring them back to the table. Any pleading, begging, and promising will band aid the real issues at hand (that would probably still be completely clueless to both of you) but after a while, it would just go back to what it was and 10x worse.
> 
> You also believed things were going just fine, you guys had a nice long phone talk, she went out to a party and in the morning poof, she wants a divorce.


Well, to elaborate on the party, Later that night while she was there, her friend got a text from her husband with him telling her "to have fun and that he was going to bed, and love you" 
My wife got upset that she didn't get that kind of treatment. (This info was from the mutual friend that got the text. Again, with the no communication thing) It wasn't as though I wasn't thinking about her, it's just in my mind, I didn't want to bug her if she's out having fun with her colleagues.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

901 said:


> Well, to elaborate on the party, Later that night while she was there, her friend got a text from her husband with him telling her "to have fun and that he was going to bed, and love you"
> My wife got upset that she didn't get that kind of treatment. (This info was from the mutual friend that got the text. Again, with the no communication thing) It wasn't as though I wasn't thinking about her, it's just in my mind, I didn't want to bug her if she's out having fun with her colleagues.


How old are you?

How old is she?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

901 said:


> Well, to elaborate on the party, Later that night while she was there, her friend got a text from her husband with him telling her "to have fun and that he was going to bed, and love you"
> My wife got upset that she didn't get that kind of treatment. (This info was from the mutual friend that got the text. Again, with the no communication thing) It wasn't as though I wasn't thinking about her, it's just in my mind, I didn't want to bug her if she's out having fun with her colleagues.


That's her issue, has nothing to do with you. Hardly a real reason to ask for divorce.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Is there anyone that she could be emotionally involved with--possibly a coworker? It is unusual for someone to drop a bomb like this completely unannounced.

Did you offer to go to marriage counseling with her? If so, what did she say?

The reason that people are suggesting the possibility of an affair isn't because that's a stereotype from the movies. It's because it's the most common reason why a spouse decides that they love you but they're not in love with you (ILYBINILWY). It's just statistics.

I would verify whether or not she is in an affair. That is obviously challenging since she is moving out--but perhaps you have access to her cell phone records or facebook or work laptop some such thing.

Once you are certain there is no one else, you may find the thread of jacksonp (a forum member) instructive. He was able to turn things around from his wife wanting to be separated to recommitment very recently.

Last--are you in the United States? Do you know if the state you live in is fault or no fault? If your jurisdiction recognizes adultery in the divorce process, then you may have that reason added to why it would be useful to know whether or not that is happening.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She's cheating, want to know why? Head over to the infidelity section and read how all affairs follow a similar script. 

I'll break it down for you, she picked the guy up way before this party, likely even before your trip, and that surprise party was a cover up for her date. When she left the house for a few days she very likely went on a sexbananza with her new "lover". Now she really thinks the grass is greener on the other side.


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## 901 (Jun 13, 2012)

I'm 33, she's 28. 

She's not moving out. She moved into the spare bedroom. Not quoting, but close, We need to separate, (her in one room, myself in another) finish up our school stuff, pay down some bills first, then possibly divorce in the spring after all that. 

As far as her friends and coworkers, We have mutual friends and my parents own the place she works, so I know all of them too. Aside from work, she's at home. (Going to parties and stuff is kinda rare for either of us, and this party in particular was with the work group, which are my friends and family)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Find out what you're up against.

Denial isn't only a river in Egypt.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

The surprise factor is gut wrenching,read my threads, I asked her,me & everyone on this board why? One thing I learned after the gut wrenching reality is my wife started to unemotionally attach her self after her hysterectomy. Things were different & I was scrambling,then last year WOW!!!!!! and here I am. I came to this realization on my own after many many sleepless nights. I have a walk away wife. Sucks but were all here for you but defiinetly do thec180. I moved out of my house


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

As others have said go through her cell phone/bill, emails, computer files, facebook/messages even her drawers for something new that wasn't worn for you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Affair or no affair, she has betrayed your marriage.

Read our stories. Unfortunately you won't take the advice given here right away. You'll do some lonely circular swimming of your own before realizing you're getting nowhere while running out of breath.

The sooner you cut all levels of contact with your wife, the easier you will be able to see the reality of your situation and make a decision.

Here's the bitter reality that everyone is somewhat hesitant to tell you (including yourself):

Your wife doesn't love you as much as she should. If she does, she doesn't know it. End of story.

Now ask yourself this question: How does one find out how much they love someone?

How did you find out how much you love/miss your wife? I bet it wasn't anytime before she said she wants to divorce 

Get my point?


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Your wife is acting just like mine did before our first separation. She's having an affair. If she's not, let her prove it to you. Time to do some research pal.


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