# I finally left my alcoholic husband



## lady kate

I can't sleep and really just want to vent for a little bit. 
My husband and I have been married fo five years. Before we got married, he told me that he went through a period in college where he overdid it with alcohol, but that he had gotten all of that under control. I didn't think much of it at the time because I was a little naive and thought "who didn't overdo it in college?" 
Anyway, I missed a lot of warning signs that I can't believe didn't stand out more at the time when we were dating. Like full bottles of liquor turning up empty in a very short period of time. Or how loopy he would be during dates but swear on a stack of Bibles that he was just tired or had a really long day at work. I never witnessed him drinking excessively and it just never dawned on me that he was drinking in private.
Well fast forward to our third year of marriage. Around the summer of that year, he went from (in front of me) having the occasional ****tail and glass of wine with dinner to polishing off a six pack of beer and a bottle of wine all on his own. I was training for a marathon around this time, so I wasn't drinking at all. Well then one bottle of wine turned to two and before I knew it, he was buying those big economy sized bottles and putting a massive dent in those every night. No amount of me saying "don't you think you should take it easy?" was getting through to him, so he would usually blackout every night and wake up in the morning feeling like garbage. Hangovers led to him arriving late to work and abusing his company's work from home policy to stay home and drink all day. There was a stretch where he didn't show up at his office for a month and a half. The only reason he started going again was because his boss, after not being able to get through to my husband via email or phone for several days, called *me* to say that my husband's lack of attendance was creating huge problems. Even when he did go back, he would only stay for a few hours and then go home to resume drinking. He would go days at a time where he only got out of bed to get more alcohol. I half expected to come home from work every day and find him suffering from alcohol poisoning or dead from a stroke. 
Well after months of this, he agreed to enter an in patient treatment facility. The facility he went to focuses on a week long detox program along with meetings and counseling. After a week, the counselors evaluate whether the patient needed a long stay or could move on to the twice weekly out patient program. Well my husband was a model patient and figured out exactly what to tell the counselors to avoid being sent off to a 90 day program.
Out of detox, he played the part of the "sober living enthusiast" to a tee and we all supported him. Well turns out he replaced alcohol with a combination cough medicine and allergy pills. I had no clue about this until I went looking for something in his car and found loads of empty allergy pill and cough medicine bottles all over the backseat. I told his out patient counselor about this and she said that explained why his drug/alcohol screenings were yielding weird results. He ended up getting kicked out of the program. The whole thing was super embarrassing for him, so he said "okay, that was rock bottom. I'm committed to getting clean now." And remarkably, he stayed clean (as far as I know) for 14 months. 
Well 7 months ago, we moved to a new city to pursue a really exciting job opportunity that my husband was offered. So everything was going pretty well until January when my husband started feeling the pressure with the new job and started drinking again. It happened when I was out of town on business. It's the same cycle as before - started with the occasional beer and wine with dinner, then bottles of wine and now a box (or most of it) every evening. He gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks a couple of drinks so now he can't get up and into work on time. Last week I was out of town for a few days at a conference and apparently he didn't go to work any of those days. How do I know? Because his boss showed up at our front door wondering where my husband had been and what the problem was. He claims that everything is okay and he's not in trouble, but I can't imagine that didn't cast a TON of doubts in his boss's mind. 
Why I put up with his relapse for so long is beyond me. I can't figure it out. The first go round was traumatizing enough, so maybe I was just in denial about the direction things were headed.
Well his antics Saturday was the straw that broke the camel's back. He came home with a bottle of vodka and started making himself big glasses of vodka with a splash of diet coke. No surprise, he was blacked out in bed by 2pm. So around 6, I went in to check on him and was overcome with this ungodly smell in our bedroom. Turns out he crapped the bed AND all over the bathroom floor. Gross doesn't even begin to describe the whole scene. Gross and just incredibly sad. But that was it for me. To be so drunk that you can't even control a bowel movement? 
So I was just like "that's enough" and packed a few bags, grabbed my dogs and am staying with a really wonderful friend who is letting us (me and the dogs) stay with her for as long as we need to. 
I don't know what is next. When I left, my husband was so out of it that I don't think he really understood what had happened or what was happening. He hasn't called me but I'm not surprised since he's probably out cold and doesn't realize that I'm gone. I really won't know what I want to do next until he realizes what he did (that'll be a rude, disgusting awakening for sure). If he looks at it as a sign that he needs to seek help, then I'll be there for him. If he plays the blame game or takes that "it's not a big deal" attitude, I'm finished. 
Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I just needed to vent and share my story. Thanks for listening.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your doing the right thing! I pray your husband gets the helps he needs whether you stay married to him or not.

Personally, without any children. I'm not so sure I'd be willing to stick through this. I'd call it quits. People don't change unless they want to. 

If you do love your husband and he commits to quit drinking, your marriage can be saved. My parents were in your situation and my dad picked my mom over booze. He went into a very good in house treatment for his drinking. However, with that addictive personality, he started a new addiction and overcame that too, with my moms help. This is a life long disease. I was raised with this and I see what my mother went through. He would be homeless without her. My dad lost a couple major jobs himself due to his poor choices. It's been over 40 years since my dad quit drinking and he still goes to his meetings. It took my mom packing her bags for him to quit. 

This is a very big decision. I fully understand how and why you did not see this during dating. A lot of alcoholics hide their drinking.


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## lady kate

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby - thanks so much for your reply. It's reassuring to hear stories of long term success in overcoming addiction and marriages being saved. And you're absolutely correct - people don't change unless they want to. Before I left, none of his behavior during this relapse came with any consequences. Even when his boss stopped by the house to find out where he had been, he brushed the whole thing off because he wasn't getting fired or receiving any disciplinary action. 
So here's an update of sorts - he must have noticed I was gone this morning because he called to find out where I was. I told him that I had enough and was disgusted by the mess he made in the bed and the bathroom. In typical addict fashion, he denied being the one who did it. At first he blamed our dogs (they are house trained and too little to jump on the bed on their own OR make a mess that size). When I told him that the dogs hadn't been in the bedroom he told me that I must have done it. I mean, he's obviously sick and in a major state of denial about his condition if he's making ridiculous accusations like that. So I told him that I hoped that he would have realized that this incident was a wakeup call that things had to change and his response was telling me to "**** off." I just hung up the phone after that and cried for a little bit. 
This is what he does when he's embarrassed or ashamed of something stupid or gross he did when he was drunk. He gets defensive and blames everyone else. I'll let him have time to calm down before we try talking again. Honestly, I'm not all that optimistic about that happening anytime soon since I'm sure he'll use all of this as an excuse to drink the weekend away. Yeah, I'm sad that this is happening but I think I finally hit that point where I just had enough. I feel so much more calm being out of the house and not witnessing his belligerent behavior from a front row seat.


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## oddball

you have done the right thing. Addicts are experts at being the victim. Inside your husband somewhere is the man you married. But his disease has control now. So he is now controlled by that. He can become who he was. But very few who are as strongly in the grip of addiction do. But some of us do recover. I wish you peace with your choice.


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## TBT

You made the right choice.If at some point you do decide that you want to try and save the relationship,then maybe you can check out Al Anon...you'll get support and you'll see how truly you are not alone.Wishing you the best outcome.


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## lady kate

Thank you so much everyone. Funny you should mention Al Anon, TBT because I just got done looking at a meeting schedule and plan on attending a nearby meeting this afternoon. Al Anon was a tremendous resource for me when my husband was in rehab and the months following.


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## eyuop

lady kate said:


> Thank you so much everyone. Funny you should mention Al Anon, TBT because I just got done looking at a meeting schedule and plan on attending a nearby meeting this afternoon. Al Anon was a tremendous resource for me when my husband was in rehab and the months following.


You did the right thing. Doing the same thing always gets the same results. I'm glad you decided to make a change for your sake and his. Your bravery is commendable!:smthumbup:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

How are you doing lady Kate?

Are you hanging in alright? Sleeping okay? Moving forward for yourself?


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## lady kate

Hey All - sorry for not checking on sooner. 

I've been managing about as well as I can given the situation. I'm still staying with my friend, but this Friday I'll be heading to my parents' place for an indefinite stay. I'm looking forward to the change of scenery and just having some room to figure out what's next.

My husband is still drinking too much. He denies it, but I can see his credit card activity and see that he's spending $40-$60 a day at the liquor store. I haven't seen him since I left, but we have talked on the phone a few times and emailed. The conversations aren't very productive. Part of the time he'll acknowledge that he needs to stop drinking and get help for his problem, but then he'll quickly shift back to telling me that I'm trying to "control" him or that he won't stop drinking until I change. It's always something that I did. One time he claimed that he binge drank because I didn't seem "interested enough" in something he was trying to show me on YouTube. :scratchhead: He also thinks that I'm "overreacting" to what happened by leaving home. 

I'm going to Al Anon several days a week. Those meetings have been a life saver as far as curbing any thoughts where I second guess my reasons for escaping the madness or holding firm to the idea that he has a problem. 

Sleep and finding an appetite was really tough for the first few days. I've found that I have to either go for a run or do an hour of some exercise in the evening to really knock myself out and sleep through (most of) the night. Not the worst habit to get into. 

I'm finally putting my needs first. That was something I never did the first time his drinking got really out of hand. I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to focus on me right now since I'm pretty emotionally damaged. Some days I manage okay, but other days I just have those stretches of feeling so incredibly gutted.
I want my husband to get help and I want our marriage to recover from this, but I can tell he's not at the point where he recognizes the dire need to get help. Not sure what it will take for him to see that. For the time being, I know that I just need my space from him and just try to tackle this day by day.


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## silkpalace

lady kate said:


> It's always something that I did. One time he claimed that he binge drank because I didn't seem "interested enough" in something he was trying to show me on YouTube. :scratchhead: He also thinks that I'm "overreacting" to what happened by leaving home.
> 
> 
> Dear LadyKate,
> My husband went on a terrible rage one day when I bought a convection oven that he didn't approve.....a $69 stupid little oven. I've only been married 10 years to him.....it's my second marriage, but I am in the same place you are. All the warning signs were there when we were dating and right up to our wedding dance "practice session". He was going nuts because I couldn't get the steps right. Well, all was mostly "manageable" until about 3 years ago when his disease progressed into chaos. Instead of just being a "sloppy" and obnoxious drinker, he turned into an angry drunk.....anything could set him off......and if I tried to reason with him....he would yell, "Stop antagonizing me and just shut the F up". Well, I , too, finally left him. It's been 43 days since I walked out....and it's been like a death for me. I've been going to Al-Anon since last August and finally got into therapy 4 weeks ago. I am mourning for the relationship we once had......even though he drank too much (once in a blue moon), I was very, very happy. I couldn't wait to come home from work to see him. He was so attentive, romantic, wonderful to my parents......made me feel like I was the most special person in the world. I miss SO MUCH of what we once had......so I am mourning......but, I know it's over! Yesterday, I told him that I am not coming back. He started crying, pleading, etc. Telling me the it feels like his left arm has been cut off. And I told him, I feel like that too....but, I can't go back because LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!! I don't believe any of his promises, I have left and gone back too many times, just to be disappointed/scared/angry/sad again and again. I can no longer live like I am a "detective"....looking for receipts, searching the house for empty bottles.....and mostly I can't go back to feeling so anxious the second I hear him speak and I know from the very first syllable that comes out of his mouth, that he is drinking. The anxiety level is too much!!!!! I have lost my love for food and much of the joy I had in life. But, that's because I am in mourning and I recognize that....so I take it one day at a time and hope that today will be a little easier. I love him, I miss the small, wonderful things (like snuggling on the couch and watching our favorite shows....eating dinner together when he was sober), but I do NOT miss the insanity, and the anxiety of wondering what's going to be on the other side of the door when I come home. STAY STRONG.....it is sooooo hard. But, it's easier if there are no children involved. Save yourself while you can!


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## lady kate

Dear SilkPalace,

Your story about the convection oven stirred up so many memories. I went through so many situations where my husband shamed me for spending any amount of money. Didn't matter what it was for. $10 prescription copay at Walgreens? $50 for groceries? I would ALWAYS catch hell for it. But him spending $80 at the liquor store 4-5 times a week? I couldn't say boo about that. 

And the bit about your husband telling you to "stop antagonizing" him...whoa. I've heard that exact same phrase too many times, too. I'm so sorry you have had to hear those words and endure that kind of mental and emotional abuse. It hurts so much and it just leaves you feeling so shellshocked and defeated. And gosh, I was also turning into a detective - learning all of his hiding spots around the house and obsessively monitoring the levels in the bottles to see if he had been drinking when I was asleep, in the shower, at work, running errands or even just taking the dogs out to do their business. He could easily polish off half a bottle of wine when I took the dogs out. I could always figure out when he was itching to binge drink when he started coming up with suggestions that would get me out of the house for any period of time. 

Just to vent about this - I am still connected to him via Facebook and he's posting about how he's mad at LinkedIn for connecting him to people he doesn't want to be connected to. I guarantee he either added people or approved contacts when he was drunk and doesn't remember doing it. So now he's posting all of these belligerent messages on Facebook about how he's going to sue LinkedIn. I'm sure every last family member and friend on his Facebook knows now that he isn't sober. The sad thing is looking at the responses. His coworkers that don't know him very well always reply with "how much have you had to drink today?" or "are you high?" His close friends and family members seem to just be steering clear or all of it.

Personal update: My dogs and I made it to my parents place. I'm staying here indefinitely and so happy that I have the option to do so. I have scouted out the Al Anon schedule here and know which meetings I will be hitting up.

Honestly, I hate living like this. I married this man because I wanted to build a life with him. I didn't go into this thinking that I would be seeking refuge with my parents after five years. My heart breaks whenever he shows these glimmers of being himself sans copious amount of alcohol. It's just terrible because I know deep down there is a really great person who has so much to offer to the world. I just wish he would consent to getting the help he needs.


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## silkpalace

I am so proud of you Lady Kate....you're taking all the right steps. As you know, I too, have left my husband. Yet continue to struggle with the "guilt." It's very hard for me to stay focused on myself and "detach", when my husband calls me on a regular basis telling me how much he misses me, how is not eating, how is miserable, etc.

I try not to get "pulled in" to these conversations and keep repeating the same things: "I can't take care of you", "I hope you get strong for you", "I love you, but I can't make it "right" for you" and blah, blah, blah. When you hear someone you love suffering, it is so difficult to "disconnect."

I know that this is common behavior for many addicts.....I don't know if it's consciously manipulative, or just part of their disease. But, it does break my heart and it keeps me awake at night. NOT GOOD!!!!!! I keep repeating my Al Anon slogans, Let Go and Let God, etc. but the person I love who is somewhere inside that alcoholic brain, is in pain and it "kills" me. But, I know, I can't help him......I can always put a "Bandaid" on it.....as I've always done in the past.....gone back....things were good, and then he always slipped. So, I realize that I am NOT HELPING HIM by going back....He needs to help himself!


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## oddball

Im your husbands - or was. My addiction was cocaine, but I also had/have alcohol issues. Addicts huh.

My wife kicked me out of the house. It was devastating. Up until then, my binges and rages were her fault. When she kicked me out, I was relieved in a way, because I could use my drugs without interference. That lasted a week.Then I realized where I was headed, and what was at stake.

I went to NA and AA meetings. My wife allowed me to see our children, but was not interested in me or my recovery. She was watching my actions.

I pulled myself together, worked a programme of recovery - and she felt love for me again. We agreed to give the marriage another go after I was out of the house for three months. We agreed for me to stay in my apartment for another 3 months, to give me time to work on my recovery.

That was in 2005. Were still married, and have an additional beautiful child.

I remained absolutely clean (no alcohol or booze) for 2 years. After a while I/we started to drink a bit again. I still do, and sometimes we smoke a bit of weed.

Im still an addict. I still struggle sometimes with when its enough. Im not a perfect partner.

But I have a lot more control in my life. And I have a pretty good marriage.

I have recently had some anger issues manifest - and thought it may be linked to drinking - but have started to drink less - and am in IC to get to the root of it.

My wife had a brief EA last year - so its not a perfect marriage.

But - and this is the point - 

Had my wife not stepped out the way, and allowed me to find myself (or not) we would not have had a marriage anymore. Her kicking me out was the wake up call. I had to do the hard work.

When I was active in my recovery - she told me straight she was not interested in it - it was my journey. She was supportive in always making sure I could get to meetings, but was not interested at all in the content. My mess, my responsibility to solve it.

I hope your husbands can get their lives together. You are both doing the right thing in focusing on yourselves. Your husbands still exist within the alcoholic disease. But unless they take action they will disappear forever.

Well done for not loving them to death. I hope they do recover. Most don't. But some do.


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## silkpalace

Thanks Oddball. Your post was quite powerful, as I am always second guessing my actions......not the moving out part....that I had to do.....but the "detaching" part! I needed to "hear your words" from the "other" side. I admire your strength and determination to find your own path to recovery. I pray my husband does for his sake.


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## oddball

See, you know what you need to do. I know its hard to detach from someone you love. And he is still in their somewhere. But he (the one you love) will only emerge in sobriety.

Al Anon is a great resource.

I have seen too many addicts "loved to death" 

Step out the way and let him fall.

Peace to you


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