# Recently Seperated...



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

I'm seperated now 2 months. For the last 3 weeks I have really limited my contact with my W, (saw an article online about this) no calls, nothing. Only replying if she emails me about kids or something with finance.

She has invited me over for dinner a couple of times and I have declined.

This week she emailed to let her when I want to come over for dinner. I suggested lunch, that way I could just come back to work and then go home... She replies "you just want to eat and leave?" I felt bad, so I said I would come over for dinner...then she emails me "do you want to spend a night" .... I Said ok, I don't want to but I feel bad...

#1 how should I act while I'm there and maintain my distance?
#2 her birthday is next week - is it koo to take out for her birthday or does it defeat the purpose of limiting the contact ?


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Does she want to work on the marriage?


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

It just sounds like she wants to reel you back in because she's scared she might lose her backup plan.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Out intention was to seperated to work on ourselves and our marriage. 

3 weeks ago when we talked she said she was really enjoying the space, etc...and that she didn't know what she wanted to do...

We both agreed that it was still to early to make a final decision. So we left things the way they are now...separated, no dating others, and see what happens.

That's when I started really limiting contact...since then she has said she misses a couple of times, but I do not respond...

So I don't know what really know anymore


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

My thoughts are that your going to set yourself backwards mentally and also the separation by staying the night. Unless she is willing to commit to R, I wouldn't give her the crumbs that she is searching for.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Thanks for the insight


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

If you're okay with remaining sex-buddies until one of you moves onto the next partner, then by all means, continue.

If you don't want to be her backup plan, then don't spend the night, and don't go for dinner or lunch or anything.



> I don't want to but I feel bad...


This is why you are where you are. At least 50% of why your marriage failed is directly because of this particular thing you just admitted.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

I see your point

But I also don't want to give the impression that I have moved on..I want our marriage to work....


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> I see your point
> 
> But I also don't want to give the impression that I have moved on..I want our marriage to work....


If you don't want her to move on, you won't feed into the crumbs she is requesting.

Women are attracted to someone that is confident and strong. Giving in to her needs without her having a interest in yours is weak.


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying be a jerk and to stop showing love and kindness to her.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

recently separated689]Don't hear me wrong. I'm not saying be a jerk and to stop showing love and kindness to her.[/QUOTE]

I totaly understand what you are saying...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> I see your point
> 
> But I also don't want to give the impression that I have moved on..I want our marriage to work....


The only way your marriage might work is if you actually give the impression that you are moving on.

I know it's hard to understand, but in time you will. It took me years. I was stubborn.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

synthetic said:


> The only way your marriage might work is if you actually give the impression that you are moving on.
> 
> I know it's hard to understand, but in time you will. It took me years. I was stubborn.


I understand -- I did go over and spent a night -- I kept it lite and talk with my stepson for most the time -- In the morning I got up, got dressed gave a hug and said have a good day..

Ill continue working on myself....


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

My friend, take it from me and do not let this become a habit. 

It is more than likely that she is trying to ensure that you will be there if here other "plan" doesn't work out.

I know you can "act" like you won't be but women are incredibly intuitive. 

My advise is that you will KNOW when the time is right. Until you KNOW the time is right, it is best to avoid her at all costs!


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Heres is the dilema now -- before I started limiting my contact with W, i had already committed to watching my son, while she is at a conference -- the plan was to come to the hotel, and be with my son while she is attending the conference for 2 days...

Now i dont want to go because I am trying to really limit contact with her..

My plan now is to go to the hotel while she is working, then go home once she get back to the room...

any thoughts on how to handle?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why don't you take your son somewhere nice for a two day mini vacation instead of staying at the hotel.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Thanks! I'll just pick him up and have him stay with me...


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

How do you handle W birthday while seperated? For my birthday she came over with kids and she took me to dinner and a movie?

Her birthday is coming up this month...


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> How do you handle W birthday while seperated? For my birthday she came over with kids and she took me to dinner and a movie?
> 
> Her birthday is coming up this month...


You do nothing.

She left your marriage => she ain't your friend => she doesn't get the luxury of having her birthday celebrated by you

End of story.

I did exactly that and my wife now acknowledges it was the right thing to do in light of her behavior.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

synthetic said:


> You do nothing.
> 
> She left your marriage => she ain't your friend => she doesn't get the luxury of having her birthday celebrated by you
> 
> ...


We both agreed to seperate..initially it was her idea cause we were not getting a long...but I agreed too...the goal was to work it out... It's just seems to have changed after our conversation 3 weeks ago...

So now I limit contact...totally confused! But I'm pressing on


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> We both agreed to seperate..initially it was her idea cause we were not getting a long...but I agreed too


Doesn't matter. It's not like you could've forced her to stay. 

If her goal was to work it out, she would've been sending you love-notes everyday and missing you. 

This ain't no game. If she can't be serious, you can't reward her behavior by celebrating her birthday. You need to react. Going dark and showing indifference is your best bet.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Ok. Still doing the 180... I have notice that she doesn't really text or email me as much ...

At IC, my counselor said I should let her know where my heart is..so I sent an email just saying 

"love and miss you - just giving you space " 

to which she replied "
really? I was thinking u had moved on, love and miss you too"

I went to dinner with my son and her...but it seems awkward....


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> Ok. Still doing the 180... I have notice that she doesn't really text or email me as much ...
> 
> At IC, my counselor said I should let her know where my heart is..so I sent an email just saying
> 
> ...


Crumb. I have been through this myself. W and I separated years ago and I found myself in limbo land for months. It wasn't until I fully recovered from being an emotional wreck that I was able to get her back.

The one thing that I see in what you are writing here is that it appears as though you are doing the 180 FOR HER. For instance, you are afraid that she will be mad if you don't get her a birthday card, etc. That is where you are going wrong. You need to do the 180 FOR YOU. 

Once you feel 100%, Once you feel like you CAN move on without her, that's when you CAN get her back if you choose. Until then, things will just be AWKWARD because you are weak and needy despite the fact that you think you can fake that you're not.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> At IC, my counselor said I should let her know where my heart is..so I sent an email just saying


Your counselor is an idiot.


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Your counselor is an idiot.


Many counselors are. The sad truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

spun said:


> Many counselors are. The sad truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If they don't feed your emotional inner-child often, you might not come back and the money supply shrinks.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Thank You! Ill keep pressing on -- its very hard for me cause the more I distance myself, the more I feel like i am losing any connection to her...

I will keep the 180 going and try and get to a point where it is about me...



forumman83 said:


> Crumb. I have been through this myself. W and I separated years ago and I found myself in limbo land for months. It wasn't until I fully recovered from being an emotional wreck that I was able to get her back.
> 
> The one thing that I see in what you are writing here is that it appears as though you are doing the 180 FOR HER. For instance, you are afraid that she will be mad if you don't get her a birthday card, etc. That is where you are going wrong. You need to do the 180 FOR YOU.
> 
> Once you feel 100%, Once you feel like you CAN move on without her, that's when you CAN get her back if you choose. Until then, things will just be AWKWARD because you are weak and needy despite the fact that you think you can fake that you're not.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

I thought IC would help, maybe I should not dicuss my marriage and focus on me and what I need to do to get better next session



spun said:


> Many counselors are. The sad truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> I thought IC would help, maybe I should not dicuss my marriage and focus on me and what I need to do to get better next session
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well...

Your focus does indeed need to be on you, but the counselor should be caring enough to challenge you on your emotional desires.

A good counselor is not a lazy counselor. 

Consider switching.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

does it matter if the counselor is male or female? 



synthetic said:


> Well...
> 
> Your focus does indeed need to be on you, but the counselor should be caring enough to challenge you on your emotional desires.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> does it matter if the counselor is male or female?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For YOU, a male would probably work better right now.

You need to retrain yourself to become more pro-self. Since you are a male, you need a counselor that understands what being a man is.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

Blunt but to the point.. thanks!

Has anyone run into the situation where both parties are doing the 180? 



synthetic said:


> For YOU, a male would probably work better right now.
> 
> You need to retrain yourself to become more pro-self. Since you are a male, you need a counselor that understands what being a man is.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

Crumb12 said:


> Blunt but to the point.. thanks!
> 
> Has anyone run into the situation where both parties are doing the 180?
> 
> ...


I'm basically in it right now. Neither of us are initiating contact about anything other than business. And even that is sparse. 

I get stronger and stronger every day. But some days are rougher than others. I know that, within six months, I will be back to normal. Probably thinking "why was I ever with such an unhappy person anyway". Even now I sometimes shutter at the thought.


----------



## Crumb12 (Aug 22, 2012)

So u are still seperated? Your previous post sounds on this thread like you R...

I'm going thru that now too...we only contact about the kids, etc...anything they need...

I'll keep doing what I'm doing ...180...and let the ocean takes its motion...


----------

