# GF might be cheating, need technical advice to be sure



## Worried- (Dec 29, 2019)

Hi everybody,

I'm making this new thread that will be heavily similar to the first one I made in the "New Member" forum.

So, to summarize quickly, I have been dating my girlfriend for several years, and I think she is the girl I want to marry and have children with. We get along on every aspect and we complete each other very well.

There is one big caveat however : I have the infamous "gut feeling" that she has been cheating or at least flirting with an ex, or several. Long story short, I confronted her on some texts that I saw she exchanged with a boy (that weren't so bad per say but let's be honest, her ex boyfriend who is texting her cannot be a normal friend). She is supposed to have stopped it but I noticed that she no longer leaves her phone alone so I cannot check it anymore. Other things were also suspicious. But i know I cannot directly confront her because she will deny it so it won't help me to take my decision. And I don't want her to become even more suspicious, in which case I would not be able to gain evidence. Keep in mind that the texts I saw were never even flirtatious, it was more something like "What's up, ..." but now I can't know if it has escalated or not because she is much more protective of her phone. Still, I am in a very bad mental state because I keep having this bad feeling that cannot go away.

So I need technical help to gain proofs, or not, that she is cheating. Other insights would also be welcome. I already got good advice on my presentation thread, so thank you everyone for that.

Here is the "technical" situation :

- She has an iPhone (post 5) I would say. She is much more secretive now with the phone, I can only access it sometimes for a few seconds.

- I thought about asking her to show me everything, but the problem I have right now, and that is why I will need technical advice, is that I think she uses temporary messages that disappear with time (like Snapchat, or Messenger private mode). If i ask for her phone, i think there is a good chance i will not find anything because she will have deleted it. It would also devastate me to have children with her and to learn 10 years later that she cheated on me...

- From what I was able to gather on this forum, the best way to act would be to try to use the iPhone backups and to use a software such as Dr Fone. I have several questions for the people that can help me :

- What is the best software for what I want to do ? Messenger private messages recovery would be the best because i think this is what she uses. However, i think it erases automatically the messages in a few hours or days so I don't know if it is possible... I couldn't find anything on my own. Perhaps it would be better if i was able to monitor the messages "live" before they are erased. But this is becoming fishy territory from a legal standpoint, correct ? (I do not live in the US) I'm not sure I want, or need to go this far.

-We have a Macbook to which I have almost full access except the AppleID, to which I don't have the password. I can see on her profile that she has an iCloud iPhone Backup. From what I understood, if i could get her password for the Apple ID Account, I could use a software such as Dr Fone to get her phone infos on the computer. Do you know if she would get a notification on her phone if i used such a software, considering the Macbook is already connected to the Apple ID Account ? 

-What option would you recommend to get the password ? I saw people mention key loggers, what would you recommend ? I could change the password but "2-factor identification" is enabled so I think I would need the phone.

Sorry, it may seem a bit far-fetched or complicated with my questions listed like that... But what I want to make clear is that even if I do leave her in the end, I need to know the truth to grow and perhaps not repeat the same mistakes in the futur. It will really be life-changing for me, one way or the other.

If someone doesn't feel like talking about this publicly but has successfully done this kind of operations, perhaps you could DM me and I could give you more infos.

Thanks again for your help.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Get up in the middle of the night and you will have more time with her phone while she is sleeping.
If she's that secretive with her phone you know she's doing things that are inappropriate.
Walk up on her quickly see if she starts shutting apps down.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This one is rather simple.

If you have such bothersome doubts before marriage, let her go.
There MUST be NO doubts, on something 'this' important.

Make sure it is her that you have doubts about, and not your own imagination.
Are you subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship by making her a cheater, when she is not?

Keep checking, sniffing her feather bed. Check the chick.
OK.

Extinguish Mrs Doubtfire, no matter which one of you two, she/he is.
Have no doubts, on which of you needs firing.

You seem versed in the 'lingo' here. 

Put a VAR, (a Sony voice activated recorder) wherever she sits when on the phone. Buy two at ~$60 US, plus tax. Best Buy sells them.

Place one each, in her car, her favorite seat in the home, especially, when you are absent.

Check her phone bill, see if she is talking to her *ex*ploiter or a new flame thrower.

Off and on, look deep in her eyes, if she seems to avoid your glance, you 'may' have worries.



KB-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Soon, someone will follow up with all the signs that someone 'might' be cheating.
I want others to add their sauce atop the mind noodles I just plopped onto your plate.

I will say, that if things have cooled off in the last few months, and intimacy has dropped off 'noticeably', you have problems, maybe serious.
Some ladies can keep their pots boiling for more than one man, but these are the exceptions.


KB-


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## Worried- (Dec 29, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Get up in the middle of the night and you will have more time with her phone while she is sleeping.
> If she's that secretive with her phone you know she's doing things that are inappropriate.
> Walk up on her quickly see if she starts shutting apps down.


I thought about that but she has a very light sleep, any advice on this ? I wouldn't like to get caught in the middle of the night like that...



SunCMars said:


> This one is rather simple.
> 
> If you have such bothersome doubts before marriage, let her go.
> There MUST be NO doubts, on something 'this' important.
> ...


This makes a ton of sense. I still want to be sure, I think I need it to grow. I'm not sure VAR would do much, she's much more into texting than calling. I will think about it though.



SunCMars said:


> Soon, someone will follow up with all the signs that someone 'might' be cheating.
> I want others to add their sauce atop the mind noodles I just plopped onto your plate.
> 
> I will say, that if things have cooled off in the last few months, and intimacy has dropped off 'noticeably', you have problems, maybe serious.
> ...


To be absolutely honest, and as much as it pains me to admit, intimacy has indeed dropped. It is still good but it is one of the signs that made me have interest into looking at her phone in the first place.

Thank you for your answers everybody. I might not answer quickly in the next few days but I will be reading everything so please keep sending the good advice. 

And if someone had specific answers on the technical side I would be forever grateful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I saw that you reached out and then withdrew your comment. 
If one of us offended you, welcome to the club.

Sorry.

I read your other thread. Your gf asked you about children, is warm and friendly, yet continues to communicate with her ex?

This shows me she is still not sure of what, or whom she wants.

It is that simple. She is in that flux.

Oh, don't let me play with that word!



The Typist I-


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

GF who is in contact with an Ex? Nope. Not happening. Not a good idea.

That situation is the cornerstone of infidelity. 

"He's just a friend" right?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If you are in this way now why would you even stay with her?

You will never trust her so why do you need more proof of anything? 

Say sorry but your actions show me that I would never be able to trust you in a long term relationship. Hope you find what you are looking for. 

Then read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Look into a program called iMazing. It is supposed to be a file transfer program from Apple device to Apple device.

Load it on your Macbook and play around with it. Not sure if you need to load it on her phone too...that could be a problem if true. But I have heard it can retrieve even those annoying auto delete messages such as Snap Chat. Especially anything done while using a wi-fi connection in your house.

My son set it up to download any activity on his wife's phone for the day as soon as her phone got within range of his home network. Then he could browse it at his computer. Don't know how he set it up exactly, but he said it works.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, Do what you feel like you have to do to protect your marriage, but not at the expense of your sanity.

Remember these wise words spoken years ago "There's nothing more gone than a woman that's checked out. Period."

She is not like you.
You are not like her.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

A couple of recommendations:

1) Patience and poise is my top advice, even beyond the technical stuff. If you have it, the technical stuff will work. If you don't, the technology stuff will be compromised and go from advantage to disadvantage. Stealth, poise and patience. 

2) If you think she is the girl you want to marry and have children with, yet have gut feelings she's cheating, those two thoughts are contradictory and dangerous for you personally. She is a threat to your life's happiness and you have the opportunity to steer the ship left before you run into that iceberg you see in the distance. 

You are in a place millions of people wish they were in, before marriage, kids, home and assets are attained. By being smart, right here and right now, you can change the course of your life. I HIGHLY recommend stepping back and rethink this woman. I cannot state this in stronger terms than I already have. I hope you read this, over and over again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Worried- said:


> So, to summarize quickly, I have been dating my girlfriend for several years, and I think she is the girl I want to marry and have children with. We get along on every aspect and we complete each other very well.


How many years have the two of you been dating?

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been concerned about her talking to ex boyfriend(s)? Has she kept contact with them all along, or is this something rather new?


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## Worried- (Dec 29, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Worried- said:
> 
> 
> > So, to summarize quickly, I have been dating my girlfriend for several years, and I think she is the girl I want to marry and have children with. We get along on every aspect and we complete each other very well.
> ...


We have been dating for more than 4 years. We are in our late 20s.
Well, I know it happened one time before because I saw it. She just answered to 2 or 3 random texts from one guy I knew was her ex. It wasn't flirtatious at all but I told her that I could not tolerate it. I threatened to leave and she agreed to not do it again. Honestly it wasn't so bad because I had never given boundaries for this. I know for sure she stopped at that time, that's why I agreed to trust her on this. One thing I forgot to mention is that we went through something that was very tough for both of us in the last few months. It was not linked to our relationship but it really took a toll on our daily life. I think it would have broken many couples but we were still here for each other so it should count for something I think. 

Sorry if I don't answer to everyone for now, my head is spinning trying to think about everything. I know I wouldn't have difficulties finding someone else but I know she has so many qualities for me, and even for our potential children.

I think I have a "plan" : like some of you have said, I am going to take my time to gain evidence on what she did without blowing up everything before. Then it is simple : if she cheated, I leave her. If she sexted, I leave her. If she "only" spoke to some ex, I put everything on the table. 100% transparency (same passwords, accounts, etc.) or I leave. 

However to do that I still will need to be sure. If someone have experience in using Dr Fone, keyloggers or similar software, any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Please do not rush into marriage with these kinds of doubts OP... 

The love life/connection gap going on is a red flag number one.
Your doubts and mental status/suspicions is red flag number two. 

and her secretive phone habits is MAJOR RED FLAG! 

Now... in my relationship with my husband we were always open to our phones no passcodes when he asked for mine id reach it to him same as when i wanted is..

over time when the spark left our marriage and he started developing his abusive patterns and hiding his phone... 

I soon discovered that he'd been browsing pornography, women he knew in his past and of course a snapchat that i was never allowed to have.

So after that I put a lock on my phone and he does not get access to it unless I allow him to it. 

Totally different situation than yours unless theres more going on than what you have included.. 

but yes like others have said before me 

You can do the iphone backup to your PC, or I used to use this My-phone spy app it was really good like 50 bucks a month though but it showed everything that had been deleted 

Best of luck but im telling you from experience this is not a good sign and marriage, anything further is not smart at all

RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

You've been with this person for several years, have you ever had these worries or concerns before in the relationship? If so, why? Similar issues?

What did she say when you confronted her? Did you explicitly tell her it made you uncomfortable and that she is to stop communicating with him?

Are there any other tell tale signs - she's more secretive with emails, change of routine might be happening, is she going out more without you, working later??

For your own health and peace of mind, you'll have to do some snooping and that will give you the answers you need to make a decision. I'm not an Apple user so cannot help with obtaining data i'm afraid.

In the end though, you'll have to trust your gut, i did everything to suppress what my gut was telling me but in the end, it was right.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

*Then it is simple : if she cheated, I leave her. If she sexted, I leave her. If she "only" spoke to some ex, I put everything on the table. 100% transparency (same passwords, accounts, etc.) or I leave.*

In addition to all the good advice you've received:

1 - People with nothing to hide - hide nothing! 

2 - Relative to other friends, studies of couples that experienced infidelity proves that EXs are at unusually high risk. Therefore, EXs should not be among your partner's friends. 

3 - It's not just about whether you can prove "they had sex" or they're sexting or flirting. 

Every partner/spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Among other things that means avoiding suspicious behavior. For example, texting the EX, password protected texting and/or the use of 'cheaters' apps where messages auto delete, are not evidence of good faith on the part of your girlfriend.

FINALLY. Consider having her read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity and the seemingly harmless boundaries that were crossed along the way. 

After reading this book, if she's committed to you, your girlfriend should voluntarily change her behavior and be more transparent. If not, then break up and move on. You deserve better.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sorry you are dealing with this, it pays to figure this out now before you are more committed.

It is a tough spot to be in to not trust someone, if you simply dump her, you'll never know if you were right or not (you probably are) but it may be hard to find evidence, and if she is cheater, that likely will be how she is forever. You could be setting yourself up for a lot of pain if you don't identify who she truly is now.

Here is what I know about Dr. Fone....

If you are going to use Dr. Fone, you can download it free, you won't be able to pull files etc out without paying, but you could use printscreen on laptop / pc to save screenshots of anything you find.

When you plug a computer into her phone (assuming Iphone) it comes up with a message one time on the phone to trust that computer, after that, you can plug into same computer and it won't pop up that message.

One guy on here got a long cable and put it under bed from his laptop to her usual charge spot, when she plugged in, he ran Dr. Fone while she slept.

It takes a couple of hours.

If you have her password to icloud, you can run it against a backup, but icloud limits bandwidth on purpose and it takes forever and sometimes crashes.

The only useful things Dr. Fone will only pickup are deleted imessages, deleted imessage attachments (pictures sent back and forth), deleted call history, and deleted pictures (if she using an instant delete chat app, deleted pictures may be the only source of important info).

This all assumes that any inappropriate activity is happening on this phone and not a burner phone (which you should look for).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You’ve already shown her that you don’t follow through and back up your words. You say you went through this once with her already, stated never again, yet here you still are. Why are you insisting on proof? You already know she’s talking to him, and that alone breaches your supposed boundary. My advice is to just end this now, this is going nowhere good for your future. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

After 4 years, since there's still no ring on her finger she may be hedging her bet by shopping around and looking to trade up. If that's the case, she should have discussed her concerns with you prior to shopping for another. 

Alternatively she may have decided to exit the relationship. 

You are not helpless. You don't have to actually see an inappropriate text. 

Her shutting you out of her phone; the secret and auto deleted texts are enough to confront her. She has to believe that you have zero tolerance for her behavior - and that you are ready to break up with her immediately unless she: one changes her behavior; and two, proves that the texts are not something you will find as inappropriate. 

Remember, as your partner she has an obligation to make you feel safe from infidelity - and she's failed.
Because of her behavior, the burden of proof is on her (not you).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The operative term here is "girlfriend". Get out while the getting's good.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Man, if she's this tricky, incommunicado, flaky to deal with now then now is the time to split.

Wish her the best but move on.

You sound like she's already moved your peace of mind waaayyy off center. 

Save yourself now. Don't wait.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@Worried-, here is some my standard info you can use to find out if she is heating or going somewhere inappropriate in her communications.

Consider your own motives and please don't abuse these techniques.


+++++++++++++++++++++
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+++++++++++++++++++++

*1) GET ANY INFORMATION YOU CAN FROM HER PHONE*

a) Check her phone bill to see who she has been texting and calling, how much, how often etc. See if there are any numbers she has been calling a lot that are suspicious. Run the number(s) through a reverse lookup like spydialer (dotcom). Find out further information through fastpeoplesearch (dotcom) and/or truepeoplesearch (dotcom) which are both free, or if you really want to learn more, try truthfinder or beenverified, both online, beenverified you can find a promo code to make it like $3 for a 5-day trial.

b) Get her phone in your hand and look through her texts, any other messaging apps, photos and videos.

c) Buy the phone recovery software "Fonelab" - DO NOT USE DR. FONE, IT SUCKS - and run a recovery on her phone to capture any deleted information such as text messages, photos, videos, cheater app messages, you'll also be able to see her notes, calls made and more.

You will need her phone passcode and up to an hour to scan and copy any data to your computer.

d) Collect that evidence, and store it away safely! If you run a recovery the evidence will be saved to your computer. Otherwise do it with screenshots that you send yourself.

BONUS

e) If you have another apple device, you can add it to her iCloud account and then you will see all her iMessages, and if you do it correctly, her SMS messages as well, in real time as they appear on the device in your possession. Be careful, adding a phone to an iCloud account generates an alert on the main phone so have her phone in hand when you do this and dismiss the alert.

f) If she is on an iPhone see if you can get into her iCloud account and maybe you can retrieve her iMessages from a backup. Be careful, accessing iCloud generates an email to the account holder so you must be prepared to intercept and delete that email.

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*2) SIMULTANEOUSLY GET A VAR OR TWO (VOICE ACTIVATED RECORDER)*

a) Get a couple of VARs (Voice Activated Recorders) the Sony ICD-PX470 is the sweet spot, $50 at Amazon, put one in her car and keep another around to record her in the house.

The point is to hear what she says when you are not around, particularly if you confront her and she is panicking. That is when cheaters run to their car and call their affair partners and partners in crime.

b) Read the manual for a couple of minutes and you will learn how to turn off any kind of beeps or lights.

c) Get a ton of triple a batteries, Amazon brand (about $14 last I checked.)

d) Get a Sandisk 32 Gigabyte MicroSD card for each VAR, about $8 on Amazon and you'll have dozens of hours of recording time.

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+++++++++++++++++++++

*3) IMPLEMENT PHONE MONITORING*

A) Implement some kind of phone monitoring service: mSpy, ikeymonitor, cocospy, Flexispy, webwatcher, there are a ton of them.

These services allow you to monitor all kinds of phone communications in near real-time.

If you go this route you don't have to add a phone to her iCloud account but you do need her iCloud password.

You do not need physical access to her phone at any time.

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4) PUT A KEYLOGGER ON HER LAPTOP

a) I've used "bestfreekeylogger" but that requires consistent access to the laptop. I've head good things about "Webwatcher" (Who also make phone monitoring software) and "Spytech SpyAgent"


Do these things and you will know what you need to know.

Best of luck to you @Worried-


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ok so... sometimes people have trust issues and get Paranoid for whatever reason. Usually something in their past. And I’m not saying that’s right or wrong just that you need to recognize that is who you are. I am also like this. So when going forward, look for relationships where there is transparency. A lot of people disagree with this and think it’s controlling but people like us need it. 
So what I mean is... being able to have access to each other’s phones. Not hiding anything. Etc. that does not give anyone the right to do a complete fbi search on their phone.... but just being able to be like hey who is texting you, and being able to have a quick look. To me that eases the mind.


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