# Help me! Am I right or just paranoid?



## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Hello All,

I have a dilema, and I wanted some third part advice. I'm going to try to give as much unbiased info as possible, so you can look at the situation without taking sides.

I have been with my wife for 14 years. We are early thirties. First and only lovers. Neither of us have ever cheated. We are private people that like to spend time together and with our kids at home.

Recently my wife has been spending time at work that seems a bit excessive. She teaches and has always done more afterschool work than most. I have grown used to that. lately though she had been talking to her "friend" who is on the maintanence staff for long periods of time and not coming home as early as usual. Her day ends at 3pm and she used to be home typically at 4:30-5:30. Lately its been as late as 8.

I did not suspect anything until one night she fell asleep on the couch with my son. I generally charge her phone because she forgets alot. I picked up the phone and saw on her facebook account that she had been facebooking with her friend at work. Again, I didn't really think much till I saw the one post..."You have no idea how much you mean to me" Obviously I was beyond concerned at this point. I read on. Seems they have been chatting about a move called Fireproof. Her friend apparently told her that it reminds him alot of my wife and I.

--For those who havent seen it, Fireproof is a move that deals with a man and woman who grew apart and find each other after the husband learns that his addiction to self pleasure such as a boat and pornography are ill fitting for a successful marriage. The wife is primed and ready to just on her "friend" from work. The couple eventually realize how much they mean to each other and are stronger for it.--

So this movie was watched by my wife alone, since she told her friend that I am not into moves like this. I have watched tons of movies like this with her and anjoy them though. In any event, I confronted her in the morning before work about the situation. She said I am crazy and they are just friends. The one facebook message that bothered me more than the others was not ment that way she said. She told me that she was commenting on his honesty on a topic she feels I was not ever honest about with her.

--The topic is pornography. I used to make money off selling pornography to my friends before I met my wife. VHS tapes for a quick $10 bucks kinda thing. I never really considered the impact it had on me or society at the time. I do however understand. Especially since I am a father and husband. A year ago, we had some nasty stuff show up on our computer. She blamed me, and I tiold her I was innocent. We fought for a long time, then we went to counceling. SHe suspected that I was guilty due to my past and reaction to the situation. I was not very comforting to her when she accused me. We worked through and have been very happy--

So her friend said he looks at pornography on occassion, and she explained why he shouldn't. He said he's free and clear or looking at stuff like that and she's very proud she helped him.

Back to the issues at hand. I watched the movie and was pretty angry because it seems like he was saying that my wife, him, and I were the three actors. I take issue with the comparison and that he would play the part of a man trying to steal a married woman away as the actor does. I texted and told her that I was angry and watched the movie. As I was talking to her, she was talking to her friend via text. She was letting him know what I was saying and that I was coming to confront him. I didn't know she was speaking with him until I did some digging though. I found that she deleted all the facebook and phone messages. I found a place on her phone that she forgot to clear. It help partial pieces of deleted info. I have never been one to root through her personal messages but this was a unique situation.

We argued quite a bit about the situation and she said its just a friendship. She said the comment that bothered me actually bothered her friend as well. She said her friend felt the comment was wierd, but knows that women are more emotional and say things like that but don't mean what men think it does. I ended up talking to this guy on the phone and we hashed out the situation. I told my wife I'm fine with the friendship, but please don't delete messages or use over affectionate terms with other men on facebook. It makes me suspicious. She agreed and said she wouldnt. Or at least I thought so.

I came home from work one night and I sat down to do use the computer for work. I noticed a chat session between her and her friend was there. It didn't seem to be anything to concern myself with, but I noticed a gap in the messages. Almost as if there was something said and then deleted from the thread. I went to change and came back down to see that she had deleted the conversation completely. Again...I'm angry. Whats so secret? Why delete them even after a promise was made not to? We argue some more. I get to the bottom of it from him and her that they were discussing christmas music and dancing with the kids. She said she deleted a message where she said that she doesnt dance arond the christmas tree becuase I may think she is weird. She thought that comment would upset me and decided to delete it for my own happiness. I never really believed her this time, and we have been bickering ever since.

It doesn't end yet though. She is coming home late as I said, so I have been getting very angry. She is afraid that I am going to show up at work and destroy her career. I have an very bad temper when I think somebody is trying to destroy my family. One night she came home and thought I was going to confront her friend. I told her I was just going out to buy some stuff. It was stuff for out 14th year engagement actually, so I didn't tell her everywhere where I was going. The next day, I was looking at our phone bill and noticed a call to her friend when I was at the store the night before. The call was a 10 minute conversation. I asked to see her phone and found that she deleted the call...and lied again. She said it was a call to tell him I wasn't comeing to work to confront him and she deleted it again so I didn't get mad.

I called and texted her friend to no avail. He can't supply me with the messages she deleted to help clear this mess. His wife suspects him of having an affair with an ex girlfriend and hacked his facebook account to delete info. 

Its all very frustrating to me and I am at a loss. Since then we argue alot. She tells me hes just a friend and that they are like brother and sister. They talk about how fun kids are and that we all need to get together and do someting fun. I work nights and stay home with our kids all day. I tell her that she is spending time with her friend that is better spent at home with her kids. She said she needs to stay and do work and shes not just talking to him.

No more messages have been deleted that I know of. She had an hour long facebook chat with him a few nights ago where he suggested she listen to somebody play the piano version of Nelly's Dream song. I listened to the lyrics and its a love song that I don't think is approiate for him to suggest him to listen to.

Last night they texted from 12:34-3:48 while I was asleep. I saw the texts and it was just pointless work banter, but there were 113 texts in the thread. 

This is a loooooong post I know. Please contact me if you have any advice or insite. All I want to do at this point is destroy this guy. If he didn't keep dodging me I already would have. Am I over reacting? is this friendship a bit excessive? Do you think I am right to suspect infidelity??

Thanks...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Your wife is having an emotional affair that may or may not have turned physical. 

You are not overreacting, but do not do something that will harm yourself or your family. Instead, firmly let her know that she is prioritizing his well-being over yours, and that this is unacceptable. Either she drop the relationship altogether or drop him. I would also require 100% transparency and make it clear that ANY hint of communication between them outside of work will be reason to split up, and be clear that yes, you will expose her and him at the workplace. Consider requiring a keystroke logger on the computer until you no longer have reason to suspect her behavior.

Last, recognize that she feels like her needs aren't being met and take corrective action to make sure your marriage is all she could ever want it to be.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have been here for a very long time and see this all the time, she is having an EA and she knows its wrong.
The biggest red flag is her consistant attempt to hid her relatioship with the janitor.
Throw the coming home late in to the mix and you have an affair.

Have you looked into other red flags?

get some spy gear like a VAR (voice activated recorder) and plant it under her car seat with some velcrow tape, install a keylogger, and if you have the dough hire a PI.

You have every right to protect your self from more deciet so act now.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Most of her conversations are on her phone, and not the computer. Is a key logger and option?


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I just wish there was a way to recover deleted facebook messages. I could then see if this is a EA or a PA and deal with it accordingly... 

She says that the reason she deltetes the messages is because she doesn't want me to see them and get mad. I do have a very bad temper. People tell me I am very scary when I'm mad and they worry what I will do. I've never hit her, my kids, etc but I tend to break things and call her friend and tell him to man up an meet me somewhere. She also says that she stays at work longer than necessary beacuse of fear. Fear that I will go confront him when she gets home. She is worried I will destroy her career over nothing but a friendship. She knows I can't leave the house since I'm with the kids.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you ever struck her or been verbally abusive? 

Does she think you won't get mad over her deleting things and keeping a relationship with another man secret from you? Seriously? This is a BS excuse.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> I just wish there was a way to recover deleted facebook messages. I could then see if this is a EA or a PA and deal with it accordingly...
> 
> She says that the reason she deltetes the messages is because she doesn't want me to see them and get mad. I do have a very bad temper. People tell me I am very scary when I'm mad and they worry what I will do. I've never hit her, my kids, etc but I tend to break things and call her friend and tell him to man up an meet me somewhere. She also says that she stays at work longer than necessary beacuse of fear. Fear that I will go confront him when she gets home. She is worried I will destroy her career over nothing but a friendship. She knows I can't leave the house since I'm with the kids.


If she doesn't want to destroy her career tell her to drop the friendship. She is blaming you for her actions. Put it back on her.

Cool heads prevail. I suggest you need to work on your "poker face" .


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Never stuck her. I hit or break things while storming out of the room like coffee table, wall, pictures, etc. We are both verbally abusive when we get mad. We know each others hot buttons, since we been together for 14 years. We seem to go to unhelpful words when the argument keeps going in a circle.

She knew I would get mad when I found out. She know I would find out as well she said. She didn't want to add gas to the fire atm. She said she was trying to leave that arguement for another day...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If she is deleting messages she thinks will make you mad, guess what? She shouldn't be saying them at all! I'm also in agreement that this is, at the very least, an emotional affair. You know what? Your wife says you all need to get together? Go for it... and have it out with them both, together. His wife suspects something, albeit she believes someone else is the object of her husband's affections, not your wife. So get it all out in the open, together. And, tell them you will not put up with this any longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

He is afraid of me now and his wife I think may have left him. She deleted her facebook account and all. I spoke to her via facebook and she didn't show concern about my wife but was really mad about his ex girlfriend from highschool. 

My wife claims that I just don't want her to have friends or that she can only have female friends. I have never complained about any other people being her friend until now. This friend is screwing up my family wether it is an affair or not.

I have been trying to stay calmer and stop assuming things. Thats why I came here. To seek out other opinions, since I just have my own atm and anger may be clouding it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Yeah, it's an EA alright

At the least, she's sharing thoughts and emotions she should only share with her husband. She's also discussing aspects about your marriage that are private and should only be discussed between the 2 of you.

Definitely key log the PC and VAR her car. She may be trying to go more underground with this via secret email accounts and possibly a burner phone.

You need to keep that temper in check! Get yourself into some kind of anger management counseling right away!


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I also forgot to mention in my initial post something that seems odd to me as well. Her friend has told her that he is pretty sure his wife cheated on him at one point but he could never prove it. He said he always wahted to cheat on his wife to get revenge until he found God and forgave her. He believes that God is always guiding him on the proper path. My wife told him that she used to want to get revenge on me when she thought I was looking at pornography and cheat on me. 

Additionally, this conversation noted above happened before they became good friends. At one point my wife said that there is a guy that makes her feel uncomfortable and to call her so she doesn't get caught up talking to him. She said he talks alot to everyone but she felt uneasy.

That made me think that he was being agressive with her and she was worried about being attacked or something.

She commented on facebook at one point that he and her are so much alike that they could be twins. And he is a male version of her...This disturbes me since I we always said we were the most alike and each others best friends.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"This friend is screwing up my family wether it is an affair or not."

Agreed. In a marriage if one spouse has a problem with one of the other spouse's friends, that friend should be removed. This goes both ways. If your wife has an issue with one of your friends, you should remove that friend from the equation.

That said, if you or she has a problem with many or all of the friends, there's definitely something else going on


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

LOL! I went to anger management when we went to marriage counseling. They said I don't have anger issues and I should just hit pillow instead of hard or expensive things.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I know this gets suggest a lot, but here goes again.

You both need marriage counseling. I think she should send a NC letter (I know he works there but still NC) and you should work on your temper (sounds like she should, too). Breaking things is scary for your kids to witness and is the behavior of an ill-tempered toddler. 

You need to work with the counselor to learn how to work through issues without being verbally abusive. Adults talk to each other, LISTEN to each other and come up with a solution together that is beneficial to the family as a whole. They do not yell obscenities, put each other down or do things that are intentionally hurtful or deceitful nor break things and storm about like a child.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I have become full disclosure after our issue last year. I used to play PS3 in the "man cave" with some friends online. She accused me of using the PS3 for no good along with the computer. I don't surf the internet like I used to and watch youtube video or play MMOs anymore so there is no reason for suspicion. My family consists of drug addicts and generally bad people all around. I distanced my self from them for my kids and her. I try to cut that bad out of my life so I can be happy. I'm not happy right now though...


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Whats an NC letter? I have explained that Family->Self->Others is the model in which I live. I agree though that breaking things and yelling solves nothing. I usually try to talk it out but then get frustrated. The counceler we went to said I should leave and cool off. Im usually the 1st to start yelling since I'm frustrated nothing it changing. Its definitly something that needs worked on though.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> Whats an NC letter?


No contact. She needs to cut off all contact with him and advise him that she will no longer have contact with him because her marriage comes first.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

So a NC letter is a physical page that states that and she gives him?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> So a NC letter is a physical page that states that and she gives him?


Yes. But you need to proofread it to be sure she's not saying "big bad husband is making me give up our friendship. You mean the world to me, but this is goodbye"... that stuff throws it back on you as the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No Contact is jumping the gun.

Are you ready to torpedo your marriage and walk away, or do you want to save it?

Because right now, your spouse isn't living in reality. Right now, odds are if you were to say it's me or him ... she would defend him, and be angry and resentful of you.

You need to decide what it is you want. What it is that you are willing to tolerate. And go from there.

Be careful of the advice given here. Undoubtedly it is all well intentioned, but at times it is the equivalent of trying to kill a fly with a bazooka.

You can try to have a rational conversation, and I cannot possibly emphasize enough how important it is that you hold your sh!t together and don't 'lose it'.
If she can express to you the reasons why this 'friendship' is so important to her that she texts for hours at night and stays late at work ... at the risk of her marriage then that would be great.

However ... it is far more likely that she will lie to you, deny the nature of the relationship. Minimize what is going on, and shift blame for her behavior to you, and gaslight you ... basically use the fact that you love and trust your wife, to her advantage in the affair.

And that's where staying calm is important. Because whether there are issues in your marriage or not, the choices SHE is making are hers alone ... and they are choices that can only lead to bad things for your marriage and family.

If it persists, you have a number of options ... primarily, take it to her superiors at the school. 

Nothing kills the fantasy driven elements of an emotional affair quicker than the bright light of exposure.

But then again, you will be directly jeopardizing the marriage ... and you need to be emotionally prepared to make that choice.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Well we had come to a decision that she realizes she is at work too much and she would be home earlier. She also agreed to not deleting anything. Neither of these have been followed through. So I am at an impass. Decsions are make together in a relationship. If something is not in the best interest of the family then it needs to end. I just need to think on how I want to deal with this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> LOL! I went to anger management when we went to marriage counseling. They said I don't have anger issues and I should just hit pillow instead of hard or expensive things.


Sorry, but I don't buy this for a moment. If you're punching walls and breaking things, you most certainly do have anger issues.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Well it was the same person who said she likes to daydream about herself and the neighbor instead of her husband. I don't think she was 100% qualified to tell me anything.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> I just wish there was a way to recover deleted facebook messages. I could then see if this is a EA or a PA and deal with it accordingly...
> 
> She says that the reason she deltetes the messages is because she doesn't want me to see them and get mad. I do have a very bad temper. People tell me I am very scary when I'm mad and they worry what I will do. I've never hit her, my kids, etc but I tend to break things and call her friend and tell him to man up an meet me somewhere. She also says that she stays at work longer than necessary beacuse of fear. Fear that I will go confront him when she gets home. She is worried I will destroy her career over nothing but a friendship. She knows I can't leave the house since I'm with the kids.


This shoud work
Download Fchat 1.20 Free Trial - A program that will search and recover or capture live Facebook chat on your computer. - Softpedia


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

i downloaded it. Not quite sure what to do to find facebook messages though...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Follow the instructions?


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I see whats wrong. It wont download. Anytime II click the download button, it tries to download different programs.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. Read it together if you can get her to read it too. It explains emotional affairs very well. 




KathyBatesel said:


> Sorry, but I don't buy this for a moment. If you're punching walls and breaking things, you most certainly do have anger issues.


:iagree:

Don't minimize your problems, Jimmy. Your reactions - punching walls and breaking things - would drive many women out of the relationship for good at the first sign of that kind of rage. It would be considered emotional abuse by some. You want her to break off things for good with this other man, but you also want her to want being married to you so make the marriage an inviting, safe place for her. Get your anger tightly under control and react in a reasonable way to things.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> I see whats wrong. It wont download. Anytime II click the download button, it tries to download different programs.


That's the downloading program from the site. After you download that, download Fchat and follow the instructions. That will allow you to gather a few chats for free in demo mode. If you want more you need to buy it and register it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jimmy, while I strongly believe this interaction between her and the OM must end. That can be accomplished by investigating (Putting a VAR in her car and spyware on her phone) Then exposure to the most influential people (OMW, family, friends, work). 

I agree with the others that you not making yourself look like the better alternative. You need to see what your doing to push her away. Then work on improving yourself to attract her to you. No punching, yelling, begging, pleading. All that makes you look weak. You have to be cool, strong and resolved. That will give you respect. No threats, just boundaries. 

Besides the book Coffee recommended Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends" (BTW take or have her take the quiz)

Get a hold of these books and start reading, today.

For your marriage, 

Each of you need something from a marriage. If a spouse doesn't get those needs they will look else where. This will show you those needs. 

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 

How anger and arguing can chase a spouse away, and how to stop it.

Amazon.com: Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love (9780800718947): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

For you, 

No one has respect for a nice guy. That doesn't mean you have to be a hump, but you should respect yourself with boundries.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Learn how you should look and act so you wife will be attracted to you, not others. No it's not a book about sex!

Married Man Sex Life 

That should keep you busy for a while. No?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JimmyK said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I have a dilema, and I wanted some third part advice. I'm going to try to give as much unbiased info as possible, so you can look at the situation without taking sides.
> 
> ...


Your wife has to go NC with this person. I would insist she quit her job immediately. 

Yes really I would. 

This is totally absurd and frankly a bit hard to believe.

I would also report this to her employer.

This sounds extreme indeed. But then again I am still married.

It comes down to priorities. This is more than an EA as they are already discussing porn. Really? Really? This is another situation that went on too long before intervening. Much better to engage when things are not so far out of hand. Easier said than done of course. But her hanging out with a male friend after school for hours is a tiny bit of a Red Flag.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm just curious as to how she spends this extra time away from home.Has she told you and is it verifiable?


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

There is always work to be done there as a teacher with prep for the next day and such. There are other teachers there as well, but everyone is doing their own thing in their own room. I can't confirm what she is actually working on in her room. I call her and she usually answers her cell or room phone. When she stays really late is when we argue on the phone and she says shes not coming home cause as soon as shes here with the kids she thinks I will go meet her friend.

Honestly, I can do as much talking and reading as I want to make myself better than I am already. Considering I watch our kids all day, make her breakfast and tea in the morning before I start her car for her and after I wake her up to go to work, give her time at night alone so she can exercise, try to spend as much time with her as possible, buy gifts like flowers, compliment her, do anything I can for her family, etc etc etc. I don't see why coming home would be a bad thing.... Things will not get better if I spend every second not being actively involved in this situation. I make my decision tonight with her when she comes home and it will all come to a head tomorrow.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You two need to spend at least 15 hours a week together. With out the kids or in front of the TV, to be able to stay connected as a couple. If she is staying at work to avoid time with you that's a problem.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> Honestly, I can do as much talking and reading as I want to make myself better than I am already. Considering I watch our kids all day, make her breakfast and tea in the morning before I start her car for her and after I wake her up to go to work, give her time at night alone so she can exercise, try to spend as much time with her as possible, buy gifts like flowers, compliment her, do anything I can for her family, etc etc etc. I don't see why coming home would be a bad thing.... Things will not get better if I spend every second not being actively involved in this situation. I make my decision tonight with her when she comes home and it will all come to a head tomorrow.


Jimmy, 

You don't work? 

You're a SAHD?


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Don't think its just to avoid me. I'd love to know exactly what she does there though. We have fun together and have her parents watch the kids to go out. Probably not 15 hours a week together alone, but we hang out alot at home with the kids. Thats why its all so puzzling to me. And makes me almost believe its a friendship like all the other friends where she works. She chats with tons of other people, guys included. They just don't talk as frequently. I used to be a janitor, and I talked alot to people too. I was there all night and got bored so I talked. I never talked outside of work though. Thats just odd to me. That was before all this social networking **** though. Can't stand it...


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I'm in residential sales. I meet people at their homes at night. I make good money and don't need to work much. I'm a SAHD 90% and work 10%.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> I'm in residential sales. I meet people at their homes at night. I make good money and don't need to work much. I'm a SAHD 90% and work 10%.


Good! A man that doesn't provide sufficient financial support to the family is at disadvantage to other men that do. In those cases, a woman would look at a good provider as a better choice and mate.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Nah. money is not the case here. Shes never been consumed by money, and I can usually bring home the bacon. He has a failed business and is declaring bakruptcy. I have a better job I'm actually starting Jan 1st.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

A perfect example of the norm was today:

I always ask her around 3 when she calls me if shes coming home or needs to stay. She said she needs to stay for awhile to do a few things. After 4pm came around I called and ask if she was done soon and she says yeah pretty soon. Then 5 rolled arond and I ask her if she was done yet and she says shed on her way out the door. About a half hour later her sister called me at this point and said nobody can reach her, and asked if everything was ok. I called her to find out she just left. This was after about 10 unanswered calls. So 3pm-5:30pm she was finishing up at work. At this point I am pissed with good reason. I'm in this house all but 4 hours a day, and our son keep asking me why Mom takes so long to come home. I'm waiting now and its 6pm. Still not home and yes I am ready to argue I guess.

I also asked if she talked to her friend and she said only for about 10 minutes which means much longer. I know her interpretation or time after all these years...

Anyone who says they would not be pissed it lying.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

JimmyK said:


> Don't think its just to avoid me. I'd love to know exactly what she does there though. We have fun together and have her parents watch the kids to go out. Probably not 15 hours a week together alone, but we hang out alot at home with the kids. Thats why its all so puzzling to me. And makes me almost believe its a friendship like all the other friends where she works. She chats with tons of other people, guys included. They just don't talk as frequently. I used to be a janitor, and I talked alot to people too. I was there all night and got bored so I talked. I never talked outside of work though. Thats just odd to me. That was before all this social networking **** though. Can't stand it...


You can't understand it cuz you can't believe your chick wants to spend more time with her "friend" then her own family. You don't want to believe all the sappy crap your WW and the Om are saying to each other.
Once you come to term with what your wife is becoming then you will understand how dangerous this all is.

Maybe I've been her to long but the slippery slope your wife is on will not end well.

So please understand the things that are being said between the two of them are so teenage like that your wife has to detete these words cuz they are so shameful.

In short your wife is smitten with the janitor, cuz he tells her how pretty she is and how the moon lights up her eyes like firery stars....crap like that....

You don't understand cuz the reality is to painful to comprehend!

Thats my $0.02 so start protecting your marriage and if she excepts this protect then great if not show her the door.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Stay calm and reserved, but be resolved, no yelling. Convey that you're being disrespected over the unresolved/unexplained lateness and the convo's with another man outside of the work place. That you wouldn't do this to her as you respect her. Good luck. Stay calm and you'll saty in control of the conversation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If that was a typical day then its time to ask her to leave.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Thats damn near exactly what I say daily. Till I'm told the "just friends" line and want to lose my mind. She doesn't hear what I say no matter how I say it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> Thats damn near exactly what I say daily. Till I'm told the "just friends" line and want to lose my mind. She doesn't hear what I say no matter how I say it.


No she hears fine. Since you continue to be the best husband/father even after she continues the behavior, it must be okay.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Whats the answer then? Abandon my role as a husband and father because she seems to not be holding her end up? I can't toss my kids aside and not be a good dad. Sigh....


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

That's the point she's not holding her end up of the relationship. So why would she be entitled to a fair share of the benefits. 

The answer is she has to decide to part of the solution, because you won't share your marriage with "her friend" or job.

Edit: You'll always be there for you children.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior has consequences, and the biggest consequenses is the lose of her marriage so as to protect your own emotional health.
You kids need a father that is happy and healthy and not giving them an examble of an unhealthy marriage.

Stop sharing yor wife and letting her go is the best way to show her how confident you are in moving on with out her....a tactic that will make her thik twice in what she is about to loose. 

Smiling and wishing her the best with her new friend is the best way to show her that you will not control her and you can and will find someone that will make you happy so you can give your kids a good examble of a healthy relationship.

Why are waiting for this train wreck...talk is cheap ask he to leave if she wants to stay friends with a man that is infecting the dynamics of an already fragile marriage.

And yes this is all about you and the protection you need to have from the emotioanl pain that is growing day by day as she distances her self from this marriage.


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi,

There is always two sides to a story. From reading this it's clear that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met from you. This friend sounds like he is meeting her needs emotionally. Your right it does sound like cheating, but remember when people cheat it's because something in their relationship is missing and not there. Before blaming her friend, talk to your wife and ask her “am I not filling your emotional needs? 
Also bring up the issue to your counsellor, she/he can help you recognize feelings and work through them...

Sonia


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can control her so don't try, it will always be her choice to respect your protection in this marriage or not, but you will not share her with another man when there are women out there that will respect your emotional needs and the protection you offer in a commited relationship.

Your not picking her friends or controling her or insecure, you are offering her a oppertunity to have this friend and the freedom in being in a uncommited relationship, but you have other values and what your wife is offering is not what you want.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

man you have boundries and your chick can respect them or not.

You can tolorate this "freind"ship or not.

Talks is cheap, so if she wants her marriage she can respect your boundries or she can choose to move on and move out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

soniaBliss said:


> Hi,
> 
> There is always two sides to a story. From reading this it's clear that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met from you. This friend sounds like he is meeting her needs emotionally. Your right it does sound like cheating, but remember when people cheat it's because something in their relationship is missing and not there. Before blaming her friend, talk to your wife and ask her “am I not filling your emotional needs?
> Also bring up the issue to your counsellor, she/he can help you recognize feelings and work through them...
> ...


Poeple cheat cuz its easy to make the choice to decieve there spouse then address the issues and get out of the unhealthy marriage if the issues can't be fixed.

Once a connection is made w/ AP, the betrayed spouse can be the best spouse in the world, but there is no way you can compete with the chemicals in the brain that get going in a new relationship...especially if the relationship is secret and taboo and in a janitor closet.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with guy, you need to do something to disturb her idea that she can continue this behavior without consequence. It must destabilize the relationship so she will have to act one way or the other.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

JimmyK said:


> Whats the answer then? Abandon my role as a husband and father because she seems to not be holding her end up? I can't toss my kids aside and not be a good dad. Sigh....


Whats being a good dad got to do with being betrayed by your wife. Dude getting home at 8 is phucking out of control!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, when are you getting the VAR?

Any evidence you gather will justify your tough love approach and shoot that "just friends" crap down in a heart beat!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best way to see if this EA has gone PA is to go to the school and check her classroom out, then check the other classrooms out. If your wife's classroom is clean and shiny and smells good and all the other clasrooms are sticky and stinky then something is up.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

soniaBliss said:


> Hi,
> 
> There is always two sides to a story. From reading this it's clear that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met from you. This friend sounds like he is meeting her needs emotionally. Your right it does sound like cheating, but remember when people cheat it's because something in their relationship is missing and not there. Before blaming her friend, talk to your wife and ask her “am I not filling your emotional needs?
> Also bring up the issue to your counsellor, she/he can help you recognize feelings and work through them...
> ...


Sonia, it's near impossible to fill someone's EN while they are active in an A. Their getting them filled from the AP. That's why the affair must end and there must be NC with the AP, before needs can be filled within the marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Sonia, it's near impossible to fill someone's EN while they are active in an A. Their getting them filled from the AP. That's why the affair must end and there must be NC with the AP, before needs can be filled within the marriage.


This is exactly why Jimmy's wife can not hear what he's saying everytime she comes home late from work. She gets home and all she is thinking about is the emotional connection that her "friend" is saying and heaven for bid what Mr. Janitor is doing.

Jimmy get the spy gear and gather the proof that will shoot this "just friends" crap down so you can have a effective confrontation. I always tell the betrayed spouse to get more evidence for this reason.

Have you checked her millage on her car, there might be some travel time between going to work and coming straight home, she might be racking up mile after work and before she comes home.

I guess the morning is no problem...janitors work after school not before school.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you see her milage higher then what it takes to get to and from work then you might want a GPS with real time data.

If you do you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) make sure you get some velcro tape and plant it under the her seat...don't put it in the clove box, thats were she keeps her spear panties and she'll find the VAR.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

soniaBliss said:


> Hi,
> 
> There is always two sides to a story. From reading this it's clear that your wife is not getting her emotional needs met from you. This friend sounds like he is meeting her needs emotionally. Your right it does sound like cheating, but remember when people cheat it's because something in their relationship is missing and not there. Before blaming her friend, talk to your wife and ask her “am I not filling your emotional needs?
> Also bring up the issue to your counsellor, she/he can help you recognize feelings and work through them...
> ...


Your assertion that he is to blame for her cheating is completely wrong. Whether there is something missing in the relationship or not, his wife is making a CHOICE to cheat. That choice is 100% on her. Not on him. Are you a cheater?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jimmy, guy is right. she's not listing to you because her head is full of the the OM. The OM is her drug, she can't kick him. She knows you're infuriated about the situation, yet she continues. Why would a wife continue to purposely aggravate and disrespect her husband? Because he's her high, that's why.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Your assertion that he is to blame for her cheating is completely wrong. Whether there is something missing in the relationship or not, his wife is making a CHOICE to cheat. That choice is 100% on her. Not on him. Are you a cheater?


OP still needs to investigate, cheating hasn't been established (tons of red flags), for days OP has been getting the "just friends" crap when she gets home 3-5 hours late every day...I think she cooled it off for a few days but tonight she is at it again.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think that cheating is well established. What's still in question is whether the cheating is physical or emotional.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes the addiction and the very growing attempt to cover it up...even at the expence of her family.

Op did mention she tried to stop and was coming home alittle earier, but that didn't last long.

God this crap has the same script thread after thread!!!!

Jimmy we are here for you man...you need to go Jomes Bond on her butt and stomp on this "just friends" bull sh1t!! Proving me wrong would make my day.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think that cheating is well established. What's still in question is whether the cheating is physical or emotional.


@WOM, it could be "just friends", and if OP is getting cheated its 4 hours after work...oh ya that and the million deleted texts back and forth in all hours of the day and night.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What is it with teachers...or is it just me?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think that cheating is well established. What's still in question is whether the cheating is physical or emotional.


Yea... I don't know ANY teachers who are at the schools doing prep work or anything else until 8pm, which Jimmy has stated has been her norm lately. I can see 5 or 5:30. But not 8. And if she says she's working, remind her that she gets a lot more done if she's not talking with the janitor all night.

This is, at the very least, and EA. Just exactly how advanced it is? No clue. But when my husband was in the BEGINNING stages of his EA, I gave him the ultimatum of the friend or me. His occurred just after mine ended. Well, actually, his was beginning as mine was ending... But once my fog lifted, I saw where his was going (she was SUPPOSED to be a MUTUAL friend), and I issued the ultimatum. And he cut contact with her immediately.

Jimmy, it's up to you what you choose to do, of course, but I hope you will take our warnings to heart. There are huge red flags here and it would behoove you to not just sweep it under the rug in the interest of preserving your family unit. That will not help. Rug sweeping only encourages it to continue, likely escalating it...or for her to do it again. Please, take the advice given and get to the bottom of this, once and for all.

Incidentally, I saw Fireproof. I wanted Caleb to knock the doctor's block off!


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

The norm is about 6pm she gets home. 8pm are the days she says shes afraid to come home cause im gonna leave and kill the guy. Its a 45 min drive from work. Our agreement was that she get done at 4:15 and be home by 5


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> The norm is about 6pm she gets home. 8pm are the days she says shes afraid to come home cause im gonna leave and kill the guy. Its a 45 min drive from work. Our agreement was that she get done at 4:15 and be home by 5


What would any red blooded husband do if his wife wouldn't give up another guy? She can't come to the conclusion if she dumped the guy you'd let it be? :scratchhead:

BTW What does the OMW think about all this interaction with your wife?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> The norm is about 6pm she gets home. 8pm are the days she says shes afraid to come home cause im gonna leave and kill the guy. Its a 45 min drive from work. Our agreement was that she get done at 4:15 and be home by 5


And that comes back to: if she is saying/doing something which would make her "afraid [you] will leave and kill the guy"... maybe, JUST MAYBE, she shouldn't be doing/saying whatever it is to this guy! Imagine that!!


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

other guys wife is worried about his ex gf from high school. no concern about my wife. no red flags for her i guess.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JimmyK said:


> other guys wife is worried about his ex gf from high school. no concern about my wife. no red flags for her i guess.


 It may not be a big concern for her but it should be for you, because if he is cheating on his wife with an ex gf then he is open to cheating on his wife with your wife.

Demand full no contact now. You do not need to argue this anymore. Many couples commonly ban opposite sex friends completely, and those that are open to opposite sex friends agree that they will end an opposite sex friendship if their spouse becomes concerned and you are concerned for good reason. Deleting communications with the opposite sex friend to hide them from the spouse is a deal killer. Talking about your marraige to her opposite sex friend is another deal killer. Talking about sex as in her talking to him about his use of porn is yet another deal killer. Read "Not Just Friends" and you will see that just from what you have said, she is in at least an emotional affair (EA) with this guy. Google "Oprah emotional affair" and show your wife what she has to say on the subject (many women respect Oprah).

Tell her that she must pick you or the other man now. Be willing to back this up with divorce and mean it. If she picks divorce then your marraige was going to be over anyway, but now you know sooner. Time is not on your side. The longer that this drags out, the weaker your position gets because this issue is wearing your marraige down.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BTW, since this is at least an emotional affair, please ask a moderator to move this to the
*Coping with Infidelity section*


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Arrival time last night was 6:30pm. She wanted to stop and buy some food at the grocery store and marchmallows for a science project. We had a long talk last night and a some yelling. I didn't break anything for those who are wondering lol. I gave her things to look over from Oprah, redbook, etc to describe what an EA is. She still says that they are just friend and she doesn't find him attractive or think of him in that way. She said they call each other bro and sis cause they are so much like siblings. I asked if there was any physical contact at all even as much as a pat on the shoulder and she said no. They don't touch each other at all. I believe her, but know that this needs to end so I gave her an option. Either disolve this friendship or destroy your family. I'm not going to stay around and be part of whatever this is headed to be. I give my all to her and the kids, and I'm not going to have it diminished by a "friendship". She said she doesn't like how I want to control her and not let her have friends. I explained that friends are fine but this is excessive. 5 hours and 23 minutes and 212 messages via texting and facebook in 2 days is insane. I asked her if either her or her friend can show me that they have talked to anyone else that much, I'd be inclined to listen to the "just friend" ****. She said that she will cut all ties, but I wonder how real that is. I texted her friend as well. He wont talk to me on the phone, but he will text. I explained that the hours that he spends with my wife on social networking are ended and that he needs to realize the emotional affair and give the time he is wasting with my wife back to his own. I'm staying very close to this situation. I have her facebook logged in on my phone to get all notifications and check her phone multiple times a day phone bills.

The most disturbing thing she told me last night was that they pray together. I asked what that means exacty and she said they just pray. They dont hold hands or anything she said when I asked. I'm religious but I don't pray in the open or say grace before meals really. Most of my prayer is personal and quiet. I told her that if thats what I am lacking that I will pray with her. I asked her to teach me and show me what she means to pray together. We'll see happens from here.

Its funny that all this sh1t I have been spilling out here makes me feel guilty...I feel like I am having an emotional affair with this forum or something. I actually told her that I have been here and what I said, so I can have a clean sense of self.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jimmy, the statement she made about you controlling her and not wanting her to have friends bothers me. my husband said something similar when I gave him the ultimatum of me (and our family) or his EA ("just friends"). When he said "I guess I can't have any friends" I came back immediately with "You absolutely can have friends! Just not THAT friend. This is more than friendship, though you can't see it." I explained to him what an EA is and that he was in the beginning stages. But I also recognized why his began. He truly believed I didn't, and wouldn't, care who he talked to or anything. 

If your wife has, indeed, severed ties with this man, expect her to be in a foul mood over it for awhile as she goes through withdrawal. 

As for the guy... if he comes back that they're "just friends", point out, again, that you are her husband and you have a family. Also, since he has seen Fireproof, remind him how things turned out for the doctor. If he sees you as Caleb and your wife as Catherine, then he should know how it ends... and the "friend" is out of the picture.

Good luck, and I hope she sticks to it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jimmy, The amount of time and activities they are spending together is him grooming her for an affair. He is praying on her trust and emotions. He is nothing more than a pick up artist and predator. 

The time with she spends occupied with him, should be spent with you and her family. You must stay in control of this because she can't see this now. 

Forget Oprah. 

Get these books today!!!

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books

Edit: Prayers my a$$. It's just another way for him to gain her confidence that his intentions are noble. Wait till they discus how your never trust her, how controlling you are, how you don't understand her like he does. Get the picture!


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I actually considered in being a full blown sexual predator at 1 time. The fact that my wife was scared of him still makes me wonder. I have talked to him a few times though and he seems as dumb as a post. I do however think he is being deceptive in his motives are anything but honorable. Some of the text messages in facebook messages that I read we're him suggesting that's our 2 families get together and do something fun. Even before all of this since I don't think our families have anything in common. And I think he is playing up religion to get into my wife's pants and quite honestly nothing pisses me off more send people who use or hide behind religion and have evil motives. 

I think that my ace in the hole is that he is a complete and total coward. He avoids confrontation at every chance. Even when he knew his wife cheated on him, he did nothing. I on the other hand am not. I am all over the situation. And he does not want to continue whatever he was starting. I have full belief that God has final judgement, but I will punish infidelity personally. I do not plan to be a statistic. I have explained his to him, and I think he understands.


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi,
This is exactly why relationship turn sour, instead of speaking and asking your spouse "I feel as though our marriage may be a risk" due to you coming home at a later time or hanging out with your friend more than we hang out...

Why not communicate whether than try to search for evidence that they are cheating?! It way to draining trying to find evidence, communicate and if that doesn't work then tell your wife I'm trying to talk to you and I feel you are not listening and I'm quite tried! Put the ball in your wife’s court. Then if she doesn't answer or show change then make a decision to continue your marriage or not. Nothings worse than an unhappily married life, especially when there are kids involved.
You’re not a private investigator you’re her husband.
Sonia


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## clarabelle (Dec 9, 2012)

i only needed to read down to the part about the movie fireproof. this guy sounds like a predator! your not paranoid. you 2 need to talk. my spouse had a little work "friend" too. when confronting her, do your very best to remain calm and focused. do not raise your voice. listen to her and let her know that if its an actual relationship she wants to pursue, she can pack her stuff on her way to his place. if not, she needs to put a stop to late night conversations with this creep-doesnt sound safe. confronted with that reality, she may realize the weight of her actions/decisions. somethings just not right, somewhere.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

soniaBliss said:


> Hi,
> This is exactly why relationships turn sour, instead of speaking and asking your spouse "I feel as though our marriage may be a risk" due to you coming home at a later time or hanging out with your fiends more than we hand out...
> 
> Why not communicate whether than try to search for evidence and be a spy. It's way to draining trying to search for evidence. Communicate and if that doesn't work then tell your wife I'm trying to talk to you and I feel you are not listening and I'm quite tried! Put the ball in your wife’s court. Then if you don't see any changes then make a decision to continue your marriage or not. Nothings worse than an unhappily married life, especially when there are kids involved.
> ...


Sonia, your correct. One should communicate such things to their spouse. He did. She ignored it. Next step, intervention, investigation, exposure. 

I would ask you to become familiar with methods to deal with infidelity. Take a look at the books on the subject. Better yet, read the threads on the Infidelity area of this site.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I confronted her the morning after I saw the suggestive facebook message. I asked her to explain very nicely. I wasn't agressive at all. I was hoping it was a misunderstanding and I was overreacting. She said just friends. Then she deleted all the messages in the thread from school that morning and texted him from 8am-3pm then deleted those. multiple messages since then have been deleted so I have been given no alternative but to investigate. Its not normal.


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## clarabelle (Dec 9, 2012)

bottom line-it is hurting your marriage and she needs to care enough to stop. has she? see if she will go to marriage counseling after work instead of staying late to pray with jimbo the janitor. and remember to try to be the calm, sensible, rational one in the discussions. dont lose your cool, that way you're always the good guy and she has no good reason to lash out. remember that you can get through this togethor.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Good day. No communication with the jackass. watched FB all day, phone records on phone and online for texts and web access. She was home by 5:30 which means she left before 5pm. Progressive talking today with no yelling. I'm going to look for a marriage councelor to discuss it further. I think she is realizing that I'm not out to control her, but want to protect her from something she doesn't understand may be happening. I'm not going to falter here. Not gonna let my family crumble over inaction.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need a var in her car, and you need a baby sitter so you can visit the school when she is late.

On days she is late you should be testing her panties for semen.

This guy is a predator and he has been grooming your wife.

I fear he is using talk of praying etc to twist her into a sexual relationship with him all the while telling her it is ok because it is gods will that brought them together.

Her being afraid to come home is beyond lame. You could confront him anytime when you aren't watching the kids, do why are the after work hours so important. The answer is they are busy together.

How is she and he getting any work done while praying?

Sir, you need to step up your investigation fast and hard.


Btw, if they've gone to zero contact, be on look out for the burner phone he either gave her or had her buy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's grooming her, be ware he may tell her to be with you to place you, but to return to him and god. This guy isnt a coward, he's a predator.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, doesn't you wife see the irony in that this guy is such an expert on building a strong faithful marriage, yet his own is ending, and his actions are breaking up yours.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

JimmyK said:


> Good day. No communication with the jackass. watched FB all day, phone records on phone and online for texts and web access. She was home by 5:30 which means she left before 5pm. Progressive talking today with no yelling. I'm going to look for a marriage councelor to discuss it further. I think she is realizing that I'm not out to control her, but want to protect her from something she doesn't understand may be happening. I'm not going to falter here. Not gonna let my family crumble over inaction.


1. You're talking way too much with her about all this.

2. Instead of talk, use calm, non-aggressive actions to show that her behavior's not ok. Take the kids and leave for a week or make her leave. Say that you're planning how to make it permanent because she's not prioritizing your marriage. (Note: Some places see it as abandoning your home if you leave, which can be problematic in divorce.)

3. Let us know what happens.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

I asked her to leave the one day, and take of her wedding ring. When she refused, I said that I am leaving then. She grabbed my keys and hid them, so I couldn't leave.

At that point it was like putting two dogs in a ring with no way for escape.

I'm so sick of this feeling of distrust. Everything she says just takes my mind to what she could be doing. Then it snowballs till I snap. Then I say mean things, and I feel like sh1t... 

What if this is all for naught like her thoughts that I was some kinda of pornography addicted closet pervert. The difference is that even though I was doing what she thought I was, and I changed my habits that made her suspicious so she'd know I was being honest. Her suspicion and disgust made me want to die. I didn't want her to think that of me. If she doesn't keep her word I'm just done with all of it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The bottom line here, your wifes actions caused all this...so many days ago you found some text and the she goes off and deletes everything...WHO DOES THIS IF THEY HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE?

They still work together so thats an obsticle, but the texting has died down. It sucks that your wife has the capacity so thats why *her* next step is preventive maintence.

Get the book "not just friend" and go find a MC that specialize in infidelity and pro marriage.

Until she faces this and learns the tool and understands what was happening here she stil is in danger( years from now)...thats why you still feel worried and have this mistrust. She hasn't done anything in understanding her behavior , she doent see the slippery slope she was on.

I mean its awsome she has the respect to stop all this texting and FB crap, but she still hasn't addressed the need to delete the text that were "just between a brother and sister!!!!!
She hasn't learned a thing here hence the mistrust you continue to have.

I believe that once your W can address this need for secrecy and be honest and tell you what is really going on with those text. Basicly own this crap and face you, you may find it more tolorable in the fact that you W is facing this issue.

Confrontation=check
OM out of the picture=check
affair proofing the marriage=?????

She still need to face this for what it was and the unhealthy behaviors she has in regard to learning the tools in having a healthy marriage.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks Guy. Thats kinda where I feel we are as well. I reached out to our church and MC. I ordered the two books that have been suggested to proof our marriage

I hope things only get better, I hate feeling like I'm completely alone in the world.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Just out of curosity, what alternatives have you all heard for communication between men and women and their Emotional Affair partner? I hear they go underground sometimes even though they say they are clean. Any reccomendation on what programs, apps, etc to look for? 

I know everyone reccomends VAC, but I can only get one in the car at most. No way to get one into and back out of a locked down public school.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

UPDATE: My wife and I were taking the kids to see Santa at the mall last night. I went out 1st with the kids bags and to warm the car up. I was her phone in the car and decided to look at the messages. I see a number I don't know so I investigate. Turns out that it was my wife's friend's wife. Said something to the effect, "I hope you are happy that you are runining my marriage." I found this interesting so I asked my wife about it. She said that she didn't respond because the woman is crazy and always suspects her husband of cheating. He friend says she is a stay at home mom and needs to get a job or something and quit snooping and making up stories.

I decided to reach out to her and ask her what her complaint with my wife was. She said that her husband speaks to my wife to much and I agreed with her. She asked if I had any information since her husbands deletes EVERYTHING. I said I have phone records as well as facebook messages saved which I sent to her. Aparently the night my wife and her friend texted for 4 hours, he just got done having sex with his wife. He left her in bed to speak to my wife very much similar to what my wife did. I told my wife to let her friend know that I am speaking to his wife about everything that is going on. I toId also text him. He said that hes glad we found each other to talk to and he is glad that the shoe is on the other foot for his wife. (I mentioned in a past post that she cheated on him). This makes me think that he was/is indeed trying to use my wife for some revenge scheme to get back at his wife. His wife said she was going to delete our conversation, but I suggested that she doesn't. If her goal is to save our marriages, more secrets will not help.

I'm on the offensive now and going to her school today to surprise her. I am also going to check her work email while I am there. haven't look at that yet since I cannot access from home. No drama or anger, I promise for my kids sake. They will be with me too.

As a side note, I facebook chatted with him the other day for an hour pretending to be my wife. I told my wife and him right after that it was me. It may have been wrong to be deceptive to him, but I considered it an undercover mission for the greater good. Call me a liar if you want, but I need answers and nobody will supply them to me. I did find out that that night he was chatting to 13 other people online and watching youtube videos. I assume looking at pornography as well even though he said he doesn't since my wife explained how bad it is. (A previous post again) Anyways, I was trying to see if he would text anything suggestive but he did not. It was just banter about work, kids, etc. Makes me consider maybe I'm wrong about this whole mess, but too many flags for me to go that far in denial.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Jimmy, 

It's like pealing an onion. That guy is sick. 

Stay on top of it. 

"Trust but verify" R.R.

Phone programs: 
Spybubble
Mobile-Spy
mobistealth
eblaster
flexispy

Get something on the home computer too


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Were you able to recover any FB chats?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

JimmyK said:


> Anyways, I was trying to see if he would text anything suggestive but he did not. It was just banter about work, kids, etc. Makes me consider maybe I'm wrong about this whole mess, but too many flags for me to go that far in denial.


It's good you're not in denial as they could be just chatting this way to give the appearance of being appropriate knowing it's being monitored.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jimmy, if, by "what programs", you mean what ones would SHE be using... man, there are a bunch! Igotchat, extra texting apps will use data rather than textingGoogle chat, Yahoo IM, AOL IM, MSN messenger, Look for Trillian as well... Trillian works with a LOT of different chat programs. eBuddy also works with a bunch of chat programs.

There are more, but those are the ones I am personally familiar with.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Also, yes, it sounds like the OM is having a revenge affair (EA) with your wife... revenge for his wife having cheated. Been there, done that. The outline of what happened in mine and my husband's is the first link in my signature.


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## JimmyK (Dec 10, 2012)

Found some fb msgs. Nothing interesting though. Pointless banter. Im so sick of this sh1t...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So I hope she has unfriended him on facebook and blocked him.

If they are still working together the idds are against you. Because she will never go through withdrawal.

I have not read the whole thread so I am sure this has been covered.

FWIW, I quit my job and found another. Trust me it was a very significant position in the company. My point is that I am not suggesting she change jobs without having been willing to do so myself. So I have zero sympathy for anyone that claims they want to save their marriage who continues to work with their AP.

Again if I missed all of that discussion I apologize.

Good luck. Oh and yes in the early stages of withdrawal people will almost always backslide.

But it tales full NC to go through withdrawal. Even the fact that they may see the other person from a distance is not NC.


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