# My wife asked me to spank her



## david27 (Jan 6, 2016)

**A little background. We have been married for 6 years in a Christian home with 2 children. I have wanted her to "willfully" submit more and she has always wanted it to but struggled. So far there has been mutual respect with some struggles of submitting.

From time to time, we would use spanking as a stimulus, which would get my wife horny. This was all good until she started researching it. She read about Christian domestic discipline and thought it was not for us, but she became hornier when reading. 

Fast forward a few months, and we use play-full spanking in the bedroom during sex, and yet again she is very satisfied. She then tells me that she would like to try using spanking as a corrective measure for things that "SHE" feels she could improve. We scheduled a controlled night where I literally welted her behind and what I felt crossed the line. This made both of us horny, so we proceeded to have sex several times. 

I asked if she was serious about using this as discipline, in which she made requests that she would be physically punished for certain things. Then, while I am at work, she sends me pictures, and I feel 50/50 aroused and ashamed. I come home and find that she then, not even thinking about it, "broke her rules". She was scared of the punishment, but we had agreed that there would be corrective action. I then find out that she masturbated several times that day, which I have no problem with. She went out with a friend for the night and is expecting correction when she gets home (including sex). I don't really know how I feel about this.

I'm looking for feedback from a woman who likes to be spanked and men who struggle with doing it.


*day 2***

So she got home late (12:30 am), still laying awake but pretending to sleep, I wanted to see what she would do. She just went to bed and waited for me. We started making out and instantly went into play. She then told me that she thought about going to the couch instead of the bed because she was scared and asked if I was going to follow through. 

After telling her that since we were just starting, I would let it go for today, she kept pushing, "Why?" Why would you let it slide? She pushed until I eventually spanked her for her slip-up. It took much less this time, but she felt so much more. We hugged and kissed and finished having mutually satisfying sex. She said that she is okay but I'm still a mess.

I don't want her to not come to bed or lie to me out of fear. Up until now, there has been no reason to avoid me.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

There's a few TAM people who practice D/s (Dominant/submissive relationships). Hopefully they'll drop by to help you out. I'd also highly recommend Husdom.com for you, and submrs.com for your Lady. Linked sites (the owners of the sites are a married couple) with trusted, knowledgeable people. Also TakenInHand has a lot of useful articles to read.

It does sound like you're a lucky couple. by this I mean the trust is in place. She trusts you, which is why she is able to open up and tell you what she needs. And you're able to communicate with each other. Definitely a win! So explore your limits, she will tell you when it's too much. Use 'safe words', specific words that you both agree on so there's no confusion while in a 'session'. Typically "yellow" means "ease up, I'm not comfortable", "red" means "STOP".

Exploring D/s myself, but still very much a noob, so will leave it there. But the very best of luck on this new journey. Relax and have fun! :grin2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OP, I suggest you embark on some major reading and research. DayOne got you started with some good sites, and there are many, many others. But nothing, NOTHING is more important than the communication you do with your wife. She, too, should be doing a lot of reading, and you both should share and discuss what you're learning. She is your best resource, and you hers. Cultivate a relationship in which you each can be transparent with your feelings--even when you know its not what the other person wants to hear. Cultivate that two-way trust and intimacy. It doesn't happen overnight and you never become perfect at it, rather it's an ongoing process that you just commit to. 

You are not alone in your mixed feelings towards your wife's desires, and your sexual reaction to them. As long as your actions remain safe and consensual, and as long as you are in constant, honest communication about them, this can be a very satisfying dynamic. But understand this about the physical discipline: SHE has the power right now. She is giving you the trust, she can take it away. I highly recommend you use a safe word--at least while you are exploring and establishing limits, etc. If you do embark on building a power exchange relationship with your wife, the issues of who has power can evolve. But that's a topic for an advanced class 

You should also understand that many women think they want a D/s relationship, when what they want is someone to top them. Nothing wrong with that, but it's incumbent on both of you to come to understand the difference between a 24/7 D/s dynamic and a dynamic in which you use spanking to help her process emotions, work on her self discipline, reach heightened levels of sexual gratification, etc. And no, you don't have to pick one or the other. Plenty of women who want and need to be topped (spanked) by their husbands also want and need aspects of emotional power exchange. No two power exchange relationships are alike. You figure out what works for you and your wife and you don't let anyone tell you that you are "doing it wrong." Since this is new, I highly doubt that your wife has it figured out for herself yet. It took me a really long time and quite a few failures to figure it out. It's a pretty complex psychological and physiological desire/need--and the reasons behind it are not the same for everyone. 

Physical discipline is never a good replacement for communicating about problems, and it wont make the issues go away. It can be an effective CONSENSUAL tool if you both realize this. It sounds to me that your wife wants you to top her, and is also very turned on by the idea of being punished by you. That's common, in my experience. But until the two of you hash out what "discipline" looks like, you are going to have to take things slow and YOU are the one who is going to have to say NO to her if you feel AT ALL uncomfortable. (That's right: tops and Doms get safe words, too. They tend to call it "making rules" or "making the decisions" or "leading the relationship," but it's communicating boundaries and setting limits, nothing more, nothing less.)

I've really REALLY lucky to have a partner who, when I expressed my needs for physical domination, was willing to explore it with me, was willing to understand how it works for me on an emotional and physical level, and who takes the responsibility and risks very, very seriously. There are a lot of men (and women) who are great tops. There are a lot of men out there who love and cherish their wives in so-called "vanilla" ways. There are men who are wonderful leaders in a D/s marriage who would not dream of hitting their wives, even with her consent. And then there are the rare (I think) men who can combine it all and be just what their wives need. I say that is rare because there is no play book for this sort of thing. You have to become an expert at reading your wife, and she has to have total trust in you--and that is a tall order for many people, because the sort of two-way intimacy this requires is a sh!t ton of work. In addition to that, you have to know yourself, and be able to be honest with yourself, and be able to honestly reflect on your strengths and weaknesses as seen through the eyes of your partner. And THAT requires the most work and humility of all. 

OK, sorry to rattle on. Go forth and (responsibly) flog with joy. Let me know if you have any specific questions and I (and others here, as D1 pointed out) can try and point you in the right direction.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

:iagree:

Wise words, from a very knowledgeable Lady. 

:smthumbup:


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OP--One other thought:

This topic (physical domination and D/s marriage in general) is historically a controversial issue on this forum. You are more likely to get thoughtful replies from members who have positive experience with it, and who currently and successfully incorporate physical domination/spanking, if you are not a "hit and run" poster. That is, if you come back and participate in your own thread, ask questions, give more info, etc. 

Most of us are happy to help, but are not interested in participating in another thread that will end up in a flame war.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.


Quite harsh for a initial reply, to a noob, by a mod.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You wait until she gets angry with you or you overdo the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.


Googling this issue returns this as one of the hits: [link no longer valid]

I'm not a lawyer, do your own diligence, etc.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My advice would be to purchase a TENS unit on Amazon for about $35 that is designed for back pain relief. The electrical pads that come with these things are perfect for adhering to butt cheeks. Play around with the settings and placements and you will eventually find something that gives a very painful sensation.

The best part is that the pain is derived from only an electrical stimulation of the nerves and there is never any damage to the respective cells. If anything it promotes blood flow and stimulates the body for a healthy response from the body's immune system. This would allow you to deliver a significant amount of pain to her in a way that will not result on bodily harm, only pain.

(Otherwise it would not be approved for sale in places like Walgreens and CVS)

For the price and the potential results, it should be worth a try!










Badsanta


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
communication is really critical. Be sure you both understand how spanking is to be used. Be sure you both understand what other sorts of punishment and domination are OK and which are not. 

I very strongly recommend that there always be a safe-word. I also think that you have to be very clear that if she ever wants to stop the entire game, she can. 



I am made very uncomfortable by any sort of BDSM outside of sex play in the bedroom (where I think its fine). It is just too easy for play discipline to become real discipline, to become real abuse. It is not something I would be at all comfortable doing.


If I came home and my wife told me she had been naughty and needed to be spanked, I would be absolutely fine with that. But I would not want a situation where I was actually punishing her for real offenses, and where it was not part of mutually enjoyable sexual play.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.


:iagree:

Dear david27;

If you and she want a great D/s relationship fine. As to corporal punishment, I would urge extreme caution.

My reason, is that I had a friend and co-worker, who had a wife had an affair, decided (probably subconsciously) to end the marriage, got drunk and hit my male co-worker, breaking his glasses and then tell him she was cheating on him and wanted a divorce. While your situation is much different, you might learn from what happened next to him.

He grabbed her wrists and held her until she stopped hitting him. In the process he bruised her. She called the police. The police came and asked what happened. She told them that he had hurt her and showed them her red swollen arm. The police asked if it was true. He said that he had defended himself from her and that she hit him first and broke his glasses. He showed them the broken glasses.

In my state, in a domestic violence call, the police are required if there is any physcial contact to put someone in jail. They have no discretion, they have to take someone to jail. Since, the wife did not admit to hitting the husband, but the husband/co-worker admitted to grabbing the wife and she had a signs of contact, they had no choice but to arrest him and take him away in his underwear. They would not even allow him to get dressed.

He had to call a friend to post bail and bring him some clothes to wear out of the police station. 

Not only did he face the humiliation of the arrest and asking a friend for help, but it got worse. His name was in the papers under the police beat as being arrested. He was smart enough to get a really good lawyer who got him off, but just barely. Had he actually been convicted, he would have lost his right to own a firearm or go hunting. In some places he could have even lost his job.

D/s may be exciting, but leaving welts on her body is OH SO DANGEROUS from many many perspectives. 

My suggestion is if she wants to explore the D/s corporal punishment thing, figure out how to engage her mind more than her body. That is just as there are ways of disciplining children that don't involve spanking them, there are ways of disciplining your wife. 

Good luck.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This might all be well and good for the time being but when it goes too far and you hurt her, as unintentional as it might be, she could go to cops and have you arrested. This type of fun might be too dangerous, especially for you.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OP, the cautions here are real, and ones that merit consideration. 

That is why, when you read about couples who practice successful D/s, they will urge caution, communication, and extreme trust. A D/s dynamic that includes physical domination--in the bedroom, outside the bedroom, or both--can only work between two people who share that sort of trust and two-way intimacy. And even then, you can NEVER remove the risk (hence the anacronyn RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Which reminds me, you could Google that as well as SCC for Safe, Sane and Consensual for more useful reading resources.) 

My husband has to have unwavering trust in me because yes sometimes after spankings my a$$ looks like hell. 

Technically, we take a risk every time. We are aware of it, we talk about it, we don't ignore it--but nor does it stop us or dampen our enthusiasm. It's just that, *for us,* the benefits outweigh the risks. Our marriage is better and we are happier with it than without. 

I would say that if you're not in a good marriage with a HIGH level of mutual trust (like the couple Young at Heart tells the story about), then the risks are far higher. Not that that stops some people from getting their kink on . . .


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Posters have talked about how to do it, being careful about doing it, whether it's okay to do it.......

But, what if he just doesn't *want* to do it?

I wouldn't do it. I couldn't get aroused by causing a woman pain, whether she wants it or not. Or even pretending to cause pain.

It would suck if my wife needed this. I couldn't do it.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Posters have talked about how to do it, being careful about doing it, whether it's okay to do it.......
> 
> But, what if he just doesn't *want* to do it?
> 
> ...


If he does not want to, then he most certainly should not. 

Sometimes we very honestly cannot meet the needs of a partner. It's then up to the partner to decide what to do. OP's wife might take her husband's "no" just fine, or it might cause problems. But if he's not up front about his level of willingness to explore this with her, then the risks to the marriage go up anyway. 

At the end of the day, there does have to be some level of compatibility on the issue.

ETA: Think of it this way: if a man proposed to his wife that he use physical domination to discipline her, motivate her, relieve her anxiety, enhance the eroticism of the marriage, etc., and SHE wasn't into it, no one would questions her right to say, "no way, no thanks." It works both ways. A husband has every right to say no, too.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
following up on another comment. Safe words are for tops as well as bottoms. It is quite possible for a top to find a scene disturbing and want it to end RIGHT NOW


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## david27 (Jan 6, 2016)

Thank you all. We have always had a loving and committed marriage. I think this has come about because we do trust each other and she has finally become comfortable in our relationship to put me in charge. 

I still need to learn to trust her on knowing what she needs in order to be the wife she wants to be.
She is also testing me and trying her trust in me to do what she needs.

I am able to commit to and carry out the corrections we discuss together and I follow through. The expression "this will hurt me more than it hurts you" rings true. Afterwords she smiles and is in love, while I feel like an abusive husband. 

Last night she told me she does not want to make me do something I don't want to do and I just responded "than don't mess up and I won't have to" I think this could also be the emotional incentive that she needs as well.


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## david27 (Jan 6, 2016)

OP's wife might take her husband's "no" just fine, or it might cause problems.

This is interesting. Telling her no I won't do it also puts me in the authority seat.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

david27 said:


> OP's wife might take her husband's "no" just fine, or it might cause problems.
> 
> This is interesting. Telling her no I won't do it also puts me in the authority seat.


Yes, you'll be the 'authority', but...

Always remember that 'dominant' and 'submissive' are titles only. There still needs to be communication, respect and trust. There are 'dominants' who wrongly think their word, their opinion, is law. That they can do what they like, whether their partner enjoys it. 

You, fortunately, sound like one of the good ones (or will be).


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OP, have you discussed with your wife what she gets out of spanking?

When you describe her wheedling with you to spank her after you decided to let her "transgression" slide, my spanko-spidey sense goes off. That's fondly referred to as "topping from the bottom." She wants a spanking, but asking for it ruins it for her, so she wants YOU to have an incentive to dole them out, so instituting a domestic discipline dynamic seems like a good way to get this done. 

At the very bottom (ahem) it's manipulation, but not of the malicious sort. It's really, REALLY hard to come to terms with the fact that you want, need and are better off with spankings. I think a lot of spankos don't really care to know the why behind their desires. Better to turn it all over to your spouse to administer, better to make it part of a "dynamic." 

Look, I think there are a million emotional reasons that spanking can be a positive in a relationship, but all skillfully administered spankings result in the same thing: a big ol' flood of chemicals into the blood stream. Chemicals that make you feel good. 

You can take your pill, you can to go your therapist, or you can figure out a way to get your husband to give you a whipping. 

My husband figured this out before I did. Eventually he put a stop to the charade of a punishment dynamic and made me learn to ask for what I needed--be it absolution, a way to end out of control anxiety, a re-set on an unproductive day, or just favor when I'm jonesing for a fix. 

My suggestion to you: don't get too attached to a being in a domestic discipline dynamic. They actually usually don't work very well when the sub is a spanko. How to tell if she's really in it for the discipline? Stop using spanking and tell her you'll be using for punishment something she actually doesn't like and need.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, first off please take the advice given from GettingIt and DayOne they are always giving good help and know firsthand how this goes. That being said I was in your shoes at one point with this. My marriage was in a bit of a rut and there were things going on that I didn’t not pick up one and notice. After being on TAM and talking to the great posters here I realized what my wife wanted and needed.

I would encourage you to talk to your wife before you jump into the spanking and whatever else you want to get into. Communication with this lifestyle is the biggest key there is. Just let it flow. Talk about why she wants it, or what she is getting into this dynamic for. Tell her your concerns and wants as well. This will only work if both parties have a clear understanding what is involvoved and what is going to happen. I think something important to know your wife might be craving this for more than bedroom stuff. This dynamic when done with care and communiation can help with emotional needing and phyisical. There is a great mind space this can lead her to.

Again I would want you to talk further and see what is really what she needs and what you are ok to do. This will only work if you both settle on what you need and want as a couple. Don’t ever do what the other doenst want you to. This dynamic has a bad stigma in most eyes when not done with care and concern with both parties. But if this is fully talked and ironed out you can enter a whole new part of your relationship.

This topic can lead to strong opinions that can concern you. I just ask you that you research and really talk to your wife on what you guys want to do. If you don’t feel comfortable if this tread goes where you don’t want it to reach out to GettingIt and DayOne or myself with questions.

Sidenote, EleGirl I really respect you onTAM as long as I have been here but I felt your respons to the OP was offbase. He came here as a new poster with nothing but compassion and questioning about this and for you to throw out abuse as a response was dissapointing as Mod and a longtime poster. It’s the knee jerk reactions like that make some of us not post about what works in our marriage.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Disclaimer: I really don't know much about this subject as other posters here, but I do know I love getting spanked.

Sounds to me like she is really into the whole role playing thing. Keep the line of communication open, you're doing a great job of that, and enjoy! I'm sure youve figured it out by now, but spank her while you're inside of her. Her lady parts will constrict and it'll feel great for you.:grin2: it's a win-win!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DayOne said:


> Quite harsh for a initial reply, to a noob, by a mod.


Not sure what your problem is. The post was not harsh. It is a fact that it could be used against him. Others have make a similar type post. So I'm not alone in this concern for the OP.

I know some people that had this happen.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GettingIt said:


> ...Look, I think there are a million emotional reasons that spanking can be a positive in a relationship, but all skillfully administered spankings result in the same thing: a big ol' flood of chemicals into the blood stream. Chemicals that make you feel good.....


Great comments. That is a good point. 

As to releasing feel good chemicals/hormones. A deep tissue massage also does that. I have had a number of deep tissue massages where they end with a series of soft karate like chops to the thighs, gluts, ets. Spanking is sometimes a combination of sting and thud sensations. I think that the thud are the ones that release the most feel good hormones.

One thing I have found that works is a light slap (sting not thud) followed by a sensuous cupping of the buttock, followed by a hard deep squeeze of the buttock cheek to really push the deep muscles to work out any stress (sort of thud). That seems to be something not as corporal as a spanking but provides some interesting results.

For my wife spanking would be a mental no-no that would make her jump out of bed, but cupping and squeezing is OK. Actually better than OK.

But again the brain is the biggest sex organ and what goes on in one's head really makes or breaks sex for most. 

For the OP's wife the discipline and submission might be what makes this her thing. If so her husband might also get there by ways that are not spanking.

The part in the OP's original post about leaving welts, still would scare me. But that is just me. I have see too much bad stuff happen.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

My husband and I are into spanking. I believe where we differentiate is that it is always contained to the bedroom and as part of foreplay before sex. I'm not interested in being punished for coming home late. My husband still gives me playful slaps outside of the bedroom but not a formal spanking. We also take it a bit farther as I am into the damsel in distress and will even be tied up while spanked and groped before he finally forces himself on me, and by force I mean in a fantasy sort of way. 

As mentioned before, safewords are a must. My husband told me that I am in control. In a weird sense I feel like I am in control even though physically I'm not in control. I'm not sure that my spanking has gotten to the point of welts, but definitely a little bruising. During the spanking, I don't even feel the pain. After we are done or the next day, then I may feel a little soreness. I find it sexy that my man is so turned on and desires me so much that he takes control and takes what he wants. 

I never even thought of calling the cops until I read this thread. I couldn't imagine what could drive me to do that to my husband but I guess it could happen. You could always add some more kink and videotape the spankings. That way you may have some evidence it was consensual. I guess if you feel the need to videotape your sessions because your wife may be vindictive enough to turn you into the police, you probably have other issues in your marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This is neither here nor there, but it's somewhat on topic, I suppose.

My wife actually straight-up told me, back when we were dating, to never, ever spank her, or slap her butt during sex. This came from nowhere (and is not something I'd have done, any way). I remember shrugging it off back then, and just chalking it up to a new relationship establishing of rules for sex.

Fast forward a few years, and her, her girlfriend of many years, and I are sitting around the patio one summer night, and they were talking about her friends ex boyfriend for some reason. My wife casually says to her friend "remember that guy who wanted to spank me all the time?" (this was in a negative tone of voice, btw). I think my reaction was something like "hey, husband here, don't want to hear this, thank you...!" And she was like "why? it's not a positive memory or something I remember fondly!" Anyway, the subject was dropped, but I instantly recalled the time when she told me, out of the blue, to never, ever spank her during sex.

Now, my wife is what the young'uns call "bootylicious" (nobody says that any more, I know... lol!) and I know that she got a lot of attention for being "curvy", and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she's probably had her fair share of guys who only want her ass, or who are into spanking, but all the same.

Now the irony is that she actually enjoys it when I walk by and give her a good slap on the behind. I guess it's more playful that way, rather than what might amount to a light fetish. I've never really talked to her about it, but I can assume there have been enough guys who clearly were only in to her butt, just like many women with big breasts probably encounter guys the same way. So I can empathize with her, ironically the way I could empathize with my ex wife being 5 foot nothing and having 36DDD breasts... (until she lost a lot of weight).

But it's always kind of bugged me that my wife pre-emptively assumed I'd try to spank/slap her butt during sex and felt she had to mention it. Clearly she's had some negative experiences with that in the past, or she felt like she was being used for her "assets" (badoom-ching!).


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> But again the brain is the biggest sex organ and what goes on in one's head really makes or breaks sex for most.
> 
> For the OP's wife the discipline and submission might be what makes this her thing. If so her husband might also get there by ways that are not spanking.


I think this is the case for the OP's wife, and what he is struggling with. They already do erotic spanking in the bedroom as part of their sex lives--a lot of people do. But the desire/need to be spanked for emotional reasons or for reasons pertaining to achieving a desirable power arrangement in a relationship often are not purely (or even remotely) erotic. Psycho-sexual, yes, but not necessarily erotic. 

Some women (and men) desire/need to feel at the power disadvantage in regards to their partner. It makes them feel more secure, it is how they are most comfortable, it is how they best experience attraction for that partner. That power disadvantage looks different for different folks, since the particular ways in which we each feel "powerless" is not the same.

OP's wife might be looking for ways to experience powerlessness that are meaningful and feel secure FOR HER. Spankings as part of sex might be enjoyable in a sexual sense, sure, but perhaps they are satisfying her in another way that she wants to explore as part of a out-of-the-bedroom power shift dynamic.

Whew. Not sure if that makes ANY sense. 




Young at Heart said:


> The part in the OP's original post about leaving welts, still would scare me. But that is just me. I have see too much bad stuff happen.


That's an understandable reaction. I find it emotionally reassuring and centering to see and feel the marks. I can't say I completely understand it myself, just that I like the way it feels to have lingering evidence of physical exchanges (sexual or not) with my husband.


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## david27 (Jan 6, 2016)

I appreciate your comments. However the comment about reporting to the police and buying a shocking (torture) device will be dismissed. 

My wife read through your comments as well (we have very open communication regarding this) she completely agreed that egging me on to follow through did in fact take away from the experience. we discussed the importance of me following through. 

After reading several sites and hearing stories the most affirming think that I have learned is that we have to make it our own. No one persons "style" will be perfect for us but we will continue to have an open line of communication and learn as we go.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Whew. Not sure if that makes ANY sense.


It does. :smthumbup:


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

david27 said:


> I appreciate your comments. However the comment about reporting to the police and buying a shocking (torture) device will be dismissed.


Good. At the end of the day, it's your marriage. Your partnership. You guys trust each other and should rely on that. Not the scaremongering (if well meant?) comments of random e-strangers on a forum you just joined. (and IMO the tens device is WAY beyond where you two are at)



> My wife read through your comments as well (we have very open communication regarding this) she completely agreed that egging me on to follow through did in fact take away from the experience. we discussed the importance of me following through.


And that's fair. It may take you both a while to iron out the wrinkles of this new dynamic, and for you to get used to the idea of being a Dom.. But that's the fun part! :grin2:




> After reading several sites and hearing stories the most affirming thing that I have learned is that we have to make it our own. No one persons "style" will be perfect for us but we will continue to have an open line of communication and learn as we go.


DUDE, you get it! Enjoy it. LEARN it. Practice. PLAY. Have FUN. It's a whole new world to (s)explore. :grin2:

:allhail:


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## david27 (Jan 6, 2016)

GettingIt said:


> Young at Heart said:
> 
> 
> > But again the brain is the biggest sex organ and what goes on in one's head really makes or breaks sex for most.
> ...



Thank you for this insight. We feel this is spot on. She tells me that she has always wanted me to be the leader in my house but I have never been strong enough to push past her resistance. She is a strong and independent minded woman. I have always taken her resistance and said "maybe one day she will choose to follow". When in all reality she needed me to make her follow.

And she agrees about the marks. Every time she sees them or feels them she thinks about me, she even gets aroused. She does not feel any residual effects of the pain and can not explain why she feels this way.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

david27 said:


> Thank you for this insight. We feel this is spot on. She tells me that she has always wanted me to be the leader in my house but I have never been strong enough to push past her resistance. She is a strong and independent minded woman. I have always taken her resistance and said "maybe one day she will choose to follow". When in all reality she needed me to make her follow.
> 
> And she agrees about the marks. Every time she sees them or feels them she thinks about me, she even gets aroused. She does not feel any residual effects of the pain and can not explain why she feels this way.


And again, just for clarity...


:allhail:


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

DayOne,

I find my self humbled by your recommendation sir...

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

husDOM said:


> DayOne,
> 
> I find myself humbled by your recommendation sir...
> 
> ...



You're most welcome. 

Just pointing him at a great and valued (by me) resource. :toast:


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

David27,

I am that hit and run member that someone discussed earlier; please excuse my unfamiliarity.

I have tried to keep everything in perspective as I read through the entire thread but please accept my apology if I have lost track, as it is rather long.

When I began my journey into D/s-M with my lk, we began in the bedroom only. This meant that all of the spanking was certainly done for pleasure only. 

As our journey naturally progressed, and began to move outside of the bedroom and develop into a 24/7 dynamic we both found ourselves at a crossroads regarding punishment and discipline. lk wanted to be to be held accountable for indiscretions and as a loving husband this was difficult for me to administer, but I did as it is always important to be consistent in any relationship and especially as a Dominant, a leader.

I love spanking my lk almost to a fault, and she absolutely loves being spanked as well. One of the issues that I came across in the beginning of our journey was separating a spanking for pleasure from a discipline spanking. Separating them in both of our minds. Looking back, some of my challenges during my journey have come from poor terminology among the lifestyle. Since we better defined our punishment and discipline, I have only punished lk maybe once or twice as it no longer became something that she truly desired, nor did I. She no longer was acting 'bratty' to get me to 'punish' her. Those couple of punishments resolved the issues eat hand with a single punishment only. Submissives desire to please and it breaks their hearts when they don't satisfy us.

It appears to me as though your wife enjoys her 'punishment'... I needed to find clarity so I now call this type of play, 'fuishment'. 

For us, punishments are for real... Not intended be sexual in any manner. Intentionally dealt with in a manner unlike any funishment. When I give lk a spanking for pleasure or a funshiment I always warm her up... With a punishment there is no warm up... There is no sexual satisfaction at the end.

Another attribute that lk and I incorporate is that we do not 'punish' with anything that I would want her to take pleasure from under different circumstances. For example, punishing her with a sexual act like anal sex. Do you ever want to have anal sex with her? For many woman there is already negative a stigma with anal sex and now you would be associating it with a punishment as well. 

Communication was mentioned here many times... There can not be enough said about proper communication and knowing for certain what each one of you desire as well as what each one of you may not desire. This is a must but has already been thoroughly covered.

Trust and the other basic relationship fundamentals are all crucial in a D/s relationship.

Regarding the comments regarding the abuse factor. A D/s relationship should be built on a loving and trustworthy relationship. If you have any doubt whether you partner would be calling the police and having you arrested for abuse you probably should be reconsidering your basic relationship and not be concerned about incorporating D/s into it. (not written to you as I can see that it is not your concern)

Also, pleases realize that this is simply an abbreviated version to our basic D/s-M lifestyle, a simple overview. You will need to investigate the lifestyle for yourself and as you already mentioned, make it your own. My short explanation would fall plenty short of everything that you should be considering when you are spanking or punishing your wife.

I wish you the very best as you progress along your journey and you have received a lot of great wisDOM from the other members here.

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

@husDOM Mr. Fox, I'm going to use your post to give a little more info and perspective from "the other side of the slash." It might help OP feel more comfortable with what his wife is proposing to see that D/s, like any healthy marriage, is a partnership between two people who are, essentially, working towards the same goal. It might also help assuage some of the extreme discomfort that many folks have with D/s (most particularly those dynamics that include physical domination), or at least shed some light on why it is desirable for some couples.



husDOM said:


> David27,
> 
> When I began my journey into D/s-M with my lk, we began in the bedroom only. This meant that all of the spanking was certainly done for pleasure only.
> 
> ...


We experienced a similar progression in the use of spanking as discipline in our dynamic. I pushed for a punishment dynamic at the beginning, but my husband found it difficult. He felt the desire to lead, not to coerce. Nor did he think it prudent to use punishment to "give me a free pass" on not being forthcoming with him about my feelings, even if they were hard for him to hear. Like OP's wife, I'm independent and strong willed and often have felt supreme frustration over my inability to "please" my husband to a level that *I* thought he needed. There are areas where we are just incompatible. So the pattern became of me stuffing my emotions, and then "bratting."

My husband had no interest in "managing" my brattiness. He did find that I was apt to let all the pent up crap come out during a harsh spanking, and he began to shift away from punishing me as a rebuke for my behavior to spanking me so I could let out the pent up feelings. (You'd be surprised at what can come of of your mouth when you have to shift all your resource to managing physical pain instead of emotional pain.) Wonder of wonders, my anxiety over stuffed emotions started to really improve things over all for me. I've always been someone who felt the need to remain highly in control of my emotions (and I'm good at it). 

My husband also has no interest or impulse to punish me physically when he's upset with me. And that's part of what makes him a good and trustworthy D/s partner. When he's upset with me, he sits me down and tell me why. He doesn't demand that I change or give me a list of rules I have to follow to make him happy. He simply is sharing something about our interaction, or our domestic lives, etc. that is a problem for him or where he'd like to see change or improvement. I must say, I'd rather have the spanking, lol. I'm highly defensive and the conversations usually are not pleasant. As I said, I HATE it when he's displeased for ANY reason. I tend to take it very personally. 

Part of the reason I wanted punishment spankings was that I thought it would relieve my husband of the need to talk to me about things I didn't want to hear. Sigh. Nope.



husDOM said:


> It appears to me as though your wife enjoys her 'punishment'... I needed to find clarity so I now call this type of play, 'fuishment'.
> 
> For us, punishments are for real... Not intended be sexual in any manner. Intentionally dealt with in a manner unlike any funishment. When I give lk a spanking for pleasure or a funshiment I always warm her up... With a punishment there is no warm up... There is no sexual satisfaction at the end.


You talked about how the use of terminology has evolved in your dynamic. Fairly early on we shifted away from calling the non-fun spankings "punishment." For awhile we called them just generic "discipline" and my husband meted them out at his choosing when he felt I needed them (because I had a really, really hard time asking for one even if I knew I needed one, and sometimes when I needed one I was so consumed my anxiety that manifested in anger and irritation at him that I was SURE that *I* wasn't the one who needed the spanking.)

We don't even call them discipline anymore. They are just this tool we have to keep things healthy between us. How harsh and how often and the reasons for the spankings HE chooses to give has a huge bearing on how mentally healthy I feel. Does he use this authority to perfection always? No. He's human, too, and if he's not in the right head space to spank me, he won't--even if I desperately want one. And that is another reason he makes a good D/s partner. And he has to trust me to give him completely honest feedback about his choices. 



husDOM said:


> Another attribute that lk and I incorporate is that we do not 'punish' with anything that I would want her to take pleasure from under different circumstances. For example, punishing her with a sexual act like anal sex. Do you ever want to have anal sex with her? For many woman there is already negative a stigma with anal sex and now you would be associating it with a punishment as well.


Although this makes perfect sense and is highly responsible of you, from the s-type perspective, this is attractive fodder for thought. "Oh no, Sir, please PLEASE not the anal sex! Anything but the anal sex! And you say you're going to tie me up to? I'll do anything, anything, just don't belt me first--please, not the belt!" >



husDOM said:


> Communication was mentioned here many times... There can not be enough said about proper communication and knowing for certain what each one of you desire as well as what each one of you may not desire. This is a must but has already been thoroughly covered.
> 
> Trust and the other basic relationship fundamentals are all crucial in a D/s relationship.
> 
> Regarding the comments regarding the abuse factor. A D/s relationship should be built on a loving and trustworthy relationship. If you have any doubt whether you partner would be calling the police and having you arrested for abuse you probably should be reconsidering your basic relationship and not be concerned about incorporating D/s into it. (not written to you as I can see that it is not your concern)


Agree that this cannot be stated enough. You have to have communication and trust and you have to be able to say NO and hear NO and be willing to talk about some really tough and gritty emotions. It's requires a heightened degree of intimacy--of the sort that some people want and can tolerate, and others can't and won't. In short, it's work for BOTH partners. 



husDOM said:


> Also, pleases realize that this is simply an abbreviated version to our basic D/s-M lifestyle, a simple overview. You will need to investigate the lifestyle for yourself and as you already mentioned, make it your own. My short explanation would fall plenty short of everything that you should be considering when you are spanking or punishing your wife.


I, for one, greatly appreciate that you emerged from your den to share your experience. D/s saved my vanilla marriage from its sure march toward destruction. You were a resource to my husband and I early in our exploration of D/s. Although TAM is not the best or most natural forum for this sort of discussion, it does come up regularly and there are enough members here interested in the topic that I try to be as open as I can without offending, triggering, or being inappropriate in regards to the generally understood use and purpose of this formum. It's a misunderstood marriage dynamic--and I can certainly understand why, given the state of the marriages of many folks who find their way here. On the other hand, I know now of many couples like my husband and me--long term relationship, monogamous, pretty normal life--who have discovered that a D/s structure is the key to happiness, harmony and contentment.


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

GettingIt,

I was wondering about your familiarity with me when you began by addressing me as Mr Fox... I must admit that I receive quite a bit of pleasure when I learn that someone has benefited from one of our communities. I am elated to discover that you and your husband are doing well.

And yes getting out of the Den from time to time is good. lk and I have been very busy making some exciting changes and additions to our websites for 2016. We are also finalizing the details for the Vegas Gathering in April.

Having a positive advocate for a married monogamous D/s-M relationship on TAM is priceless for our lifestyle. I as well as many others thank you for that.

When it came to a real punishment they are rarely ever required because lk makes such an effort to please me. Furthermore, she is her biggest critic, if she feels for one second that she has not pleased me she will be upset with herself. That is why a physical punishment is not really necessary. 

For example, do you spank your children *every single time* they make a mistake? Probably not...

When it comes to my terminology regarding the punishment and funishment... The two terms were developed to allow us both to differentiate their purpose and to better set the expectation of what the deed would entail.

A punishment is simply not that simple... There really isn't enough space here to go over all of the considerations that should be given to a Dominant punishing his submissive. 

Our dynamic has many more attributes that I couldn't possibly get into a forum thread response. We do something similar to what you and your husband do as well, we refer to ours as a reset spanking or simply a reset. That is our 'tool to keep things healthy'... So there would be (3) types or uses of spankings that we employ.



> Although this makes perfect sense and is highly responsible of you, from the s-type perspective, this is attractive fodder for thought. "Oh no, Sir, please PLEASE not the anal sex! Anything but the anal sex! And you say you're going to tie me up to? I'll do anything, anything, just don't belt me first--please, not the belt!


We certainly entertain this type of fodder as well, however, it would fall into what I would refer to as funishment or simply play. In my opinion there should be a clear delineation between what is playful and fun and what is a serious punishment. A submissive will become very bratty if her punishments end with orgasms. And as previously mentioned, a submissive will already be distraught over disappointing her dominant. If she was psychologically upset and then the dominant proceeded to punish her by a psychical act she will most likely not derive the same pleasure from that act in the future. It would begin to bring to the surface bad feelings and guilt.

The terminology throughout or D/s journeys be tricky. Someone in this thread said earlier that they had learned that they would have to make it their own and nothing could be more accurate. 

I have enjoyed our conversation and want to say again how happy I am to see a spokesperson for a loving D/s-M lifestyle.

Please give my best to our husband...

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## MentalSteel (Jan 9, 2016)

david27 said:


> **a little background. We have been married for 6 years in a Christian home with 2 children. I have wanted her to "willfully" submit more and she has always wanted it too but struggled. So far there has been mutual respect with some struggle of submitting.
> 
> From time to time we would use spanking as a stimulate, which would get my wife horny. This was all good until she started researching it. she read about Christian Domestic Discipline and thought it was not for us but she became more horny when reading. fast forward a few months and we use play-full spanking in the bedroom during sex and yet again she is very satisfied. SHE than tells me that she would like to try using spanking as a corrective measure to things that "SHE" feels she could improve. We scheduled a controlled night where I literally welted her behind and what i felt crossed the line. This made both of us horny, we preceded to have sex several times. I asked if she was serious about using this as discipline, in which SHE made requests that she would be physically punished for certain things........Than while i am at work she sends me pictures and I feel 50/50 aroused and ashamed...... I come home and find that she than not even thinking about it "broke her rules". She was scared of the punishment but we had agreed that there would be a corrective action. I than find that she masterbated several times that day, which i have no problem with. She went out with a friend for the night and is expecting correction when she gets home (including sex). i dont really know how i feel about this.
> 
> ...


This is advice you should follow.

DO WHAT MAKES YOUR WIFE HAPPY!!!

AND MAN UP!!!!!

I am sorry if that seems harsh but that advice might save your marriage.

There is NOTHING WRONG when it comes to any type of sexual play or role playing between husband and wife and religion....and although I personally and not religious I do respect those who have or need faith.....but RELIGION....is a man made concept.

If most people had the knowledge I have about how the Bible was developed by the Imperial Roman Biblical Canon.....they would be shocked!!!

Let me say this.....if there is a GOD...and that's a BIG IF.....and I can tell you EXACTLY how big an if it is......a GOD existing as advertised in any ancient human writing or text has a Probability calculation of....1 chance in 10^178th.

That is 1 in a 10 with 178 ZERO'S AFTER IT!!!

A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY exists at an even higher Probability at 1 chance in 10^150th.

A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY at 1 in 10^150th means that the Probability is so low it is STATISTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!

What YOU should be concerning yourself with is the Probability Calculation of the end of your marriage if you do not make your wife happy!!!

That Probability is in the order of 1 in 7 if you continue to have such issues.

1 in 2 if your wife complains about it over a 2 year period.

8 in 9 if your wife stops asking you.

MentalSteel


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

I think D/s would be a fun game to play in marriage, kind like what you described in the first post. However I don't want to be married to a child where I have rules and punish her in real life. 

What makes me think this is a game to your wife is the expectation of sex after every spanking. Maybe she read or heard about the 50 shades of grey and want to act out that fantasy. I've read more than a couple stories about wives reading that and wanting to try the bdsm side of sex. 

For now I say enjoy it and treat it as a game and don't take it seriously. Maybe have fun with it and talk like a daddy does to a baby girl. Buy her an baby girl outfit to wear, etc. 

If you are serious about taking the turn to a DD relationship then you, as the dom, need to set the pace, not the sub. You need to read up and tell her what to do. Test her submission in little things and push the boundaries slowly to see how far she will go. It could be a really exciting new thing for you guys after being married for so long and enjoy new aspect of your sexuality together.


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

Personally I would not focus too much on labels. Oftentimes when people begin to do this they chose a label and then without even realizing it, they stay within the confines of that label, creating a box if you will, that they never venture out of.

As you venture into the lifestyle you will most likely discover that whichever label you chose for what you and your wife do together, there will be attributes of similar lifestyles within it. That is what I would consider to be making it your own.

The description above of a D/s lifestyle is certainly not how most of us that actually live the lifestyle see ourselves or our relationships with our spouses. 

Usually the acronym DD indicates Domestic Discipline... 

I am not currently, nor have I ever been in a DD relationship. Without having the proper experience to make an educated comment regarding the lifestyle I will refrain from leading you by assumption. I would suggest that you do as the author above suggested and read about the lifestyle and see what it is all about. 

"However I don't want to be married to a child where I have rules and punish her in real life. "

wiki

Domestic discipline most commonly refers to the practice of fully consensual corporal discipline between two competent adult partners in a relationship



There is more to read on the wiki page but I want to be considerate as a guest on this forum and will refrain from posting the entire page. The root of DD is discipline...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_discipline

Forget the label and the prejudice between one or the other. What you should be doing is what GeetingIt and DayOne were discussing back on the first page... Communicating with our wife to learn what it is that you and she desire... You can call it anything that you like just as long as it makes both of you happy.

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

I've experienced this as well and first I was unsure but I slowly let go of my fear to give into her sexual needs. My advice is premised with the fact that between you two, there is no wrong or right.
Enjoy your time and feed her desires between you two.
Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.


I see where you are coming from . However we come from the perspective of people who neither like giving or receiving pain.

I have a colleague who likes to be spanked by her husband. Apparently it took him some time get into the idea. 

I once dated a woman who demanded that I bit her breasts so that I would hurt her and mark them with bruises and bite marks. 

I did it but it freaked me out so much that the relationship did not progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

David,

Sorry but I kind of skimmed through a lot of this so forgive me if I missed it already. One possible solution to any reluctance to follow through on the punishment or "going too far" is to make sure you have a well established safe word or safe phrase. Unless you hear the safe word/phrase, then no means yes, stop means go, etc. etc. It allows you to carry out your punishment without fear of really hurting her.

I guess this all goes without saying so I'm sure I'm not telling you something you don't already know. It was just the first thing that came to mind after reading your posts.

It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going. My wife likes to be spanked too, but so far I've never taken it to discipline or (much) pain. It's still mostly fun "You're a dirty girl" or "You've been a very bad girl" kind of thing. Then she likes me to follow up and be dominant with her when I have sex, even a little bit rough (non-painful hair pulling, and stuff.)
I guess I should explore whether or not she wants to take it further. So far I haven't. Maybe she's afraid I won't want to. But she knows I'm a bit of a pervert so I don't know why she would think that. Still it took me almost 15 years to discover how much she liked to be dominated so I have a lot to learn.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Great thread and great insight by GettingIt. Thank you for sharing some of your evolution. I think there's a book in there (hint) I won't add anything other than to say Dom or sub, top or bottom we all start not really knowing anything and the learning is a journey. Many (most?) who have this in them are too repressed to open up and explore. The OP is lucky to have a relationship where there is trust and communication that allows for such growth.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

3leafclover said:


> I'm a spanko and pretty open about it, but GettingIt has such a gift for putting all of it into words that I found myself nodding and sometimes laughing (quote: "and sometimes when I needed one I was so consumed my anxiety that manifested in anger and irritation at him that I was SURE that *I* wasn't the one who needed the spanking" <-- :rofl at her posts all the way through this thread, and I have almost nothing helpful to add.
> 
> I can't speak for others, but I think there were two main reasons why the love of spanking got so wrapped up in the idea of "punishment" for me. The interest started when I was very young, and at that age, I had no experience with spankings that weren't for punishment. So, naturally, regardless of what the real draw to the activity is (in my case, giving up control and feeling vulnerable), the two got entangled. Being punished by an authority figure was the only realistic scenario my burgeoning spanko mind could come up with to make what I desired possible, so it played a role in pretty much every spanking fantasy I had for years until even I believed it might be what I really wanted.
> 
> ...


I feel every last word of this. Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd find another spanko on TAM. It's like discovering a long lost sister LOL!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

husDOM said:


> Personally I would not focus too much on labels. Oftentimes when people begin to do this they chose a label and then without even realizing it, they stay within the confines of that label, creating a box if you will, that they never venture out of.


So true. Labels are just a path to stuffing yourself into someone ELSE's box.




That sounds dirty.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

3leafclover said:


> lol We are everywhere. Way more common than I realized when I was younger and thinking I was the only one in the world. I'd bet there are quite a few here on TAM who just aren't as open about it.


I would have to consider myself a spanko too. I think most sexual desires that people think are uncommon are not as uncommon as people think.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

cmc said:


> I would have to consider myself a spanko too. I think most sexual desires that people think are uncommon are not as uncommon as people think.


I think spanking is probably more common as an erotic act than not, for sure. 

Some of us also use it as a non-sexual tool to manipulate our mental state. 

Either way, I think it's a much misunderstood, er, "need."


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

I'll plus one to the spankees/spankers. My wife comes from a churchy background as well, so much so she used to say 'g0d Bless it' instead if goddamnit. (I found that endearing actually)


After a bad sexless period and coming to here and learing a lot we started connecting in ways we hadn't before. I became more attentive and lost my 'I'm here, I'm hard' attitude to sex. I became a little more dominant, and though everyone here can talk about how communication is the key, she could not open up about what she liked in bed. I tried asking directly, hinting at things and was getting nowhere. Honestly it frustrated the hell outta me.

But as part of my building her desire during the day I googled 'erotic Tumblr' for some classy smut, and a funny thing happened. I noticed she had a theme with the pictures she was sending back. A lot of spanking/blindfold/masks etc. Being bent all my life I was ready to max my CC at JTs Stockroom but it's a slow build. The pictures helped her communicate in a way she couldn't otherwise and it's been an eye opener for me. 

Part of me getting right with the marriage was taking more of a leadership role, I had been rather laissez faire about it really, and I think besides being more of a leader in the home, she had wanting the same for the bedroom as well. 

For the most part I've been finding out her dirty little desires by trial and error. I know she loves the spankings, but we're not talking about welt inducing, just firm smacks. Little by little I'm getting to know more. Because we are more 'in tune' with each other it's easier to figure out when to go deeper and when to back off. Just a change in her breathing tells me yes or no.

I won't lie, it was not something I'd ever think we'd be doing, I just didn't see this as a thing she'd like. It took some time for me to just start taking over. That being said, we are equals, I would never consider her beneath me or less important because of what we do in the bedroom. 

I'm glad this came up here, and agree that it's a lot more common than some think. I lurked for quite some time before ever posting here, it's seemed intimidating to my Nice Guy mentality. I'm sure there are plenty of others here who think the same in some form or another, and wouldn't dream to go to an actual D/s forum.

Cheers,
V(13)





GettingIt said:


> I think spanking is probably more common as an erotic act than not, for sure.
> 
> Some of us also use it as a non-sexual tool to manipulate our mental state.
> 
> Either way, I think it's a much misunderstood, er, "need."


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

Voltaire2013 said:


> I'll plus one to the spankees/spankers. My wife comes from a churchy background as well, so much so she used to say 'g0d Bless it' instead if goddamnit. (I found that endearing actually)
> 
> 
> After a bad sexless period and coming to here and learing a lot we started connecting in ways we hadn't before. I became more attentive and lost my 'I'm here, I'm hard' attitude to sex. I became a little more dominant, and though everyone here can talk about how communication is the key, she could not open up about what she liked in bed. I tried asking directly, hinting at things and was getting nowhere. Honestly it frustrated the hell outta me.
> ...


In a way this described our relationship. My husband was very concerned about being equals in bed and trying not to be controlling. I had to convince him that in the bedroom during sex, it is ok to take over and be dominant. He later confessed that he felt guilty at first wanting to be the dominant one in bed. 

Another hurdle we had to get over was my use of the safe word. My husband would feel bad if I used it. I had to explain to him that it was a good thing and I liked being pushed to my limits. I assured him I would use it before I was seriously hurt. 

I have also poked around on D/S and bondage forums. There's some good stuff there but a lot of it goes past what we are wanting to do but it's also good to poke around and get some ideas.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

cmc said:


> Another hurdle we had to get over was my use of the safe word. My husband would feel bad if I used it. I had to explain to him that it was a good thing and I liked being pushed to my limits. I assured him I would use it before I was seriously hurt.


I have limits that, I think, are probably far beyond what my husband is comfortable with. I just don't feel like I need a safe word. But it's better that way than the other way around probably. 

Or is it? Our husbands have to *trust us* to use our safe words before things go to far. 

Yes, now that I think about it, it's probably best that the person pushing the limits has the lower threshold for how far to go.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I have limits that, I think, are probably far beyond what my husband is comfortable with. I just don't feel like I need a safe word. But it's better that way than the other way around probably.
> 
> Or is it? Our husbands have to *trust us* to use our safe words before things go to far.
> 
> Yes, now that I think about it, it's probably best that the person pushing the limits has the lower threshold for how far to go.


I would say my limits aren't too far. I usually don't like to get the point of welts. My husband also knows he can stop at any time. I know when he is getting to his limits. He'll tend to ask me if I'm alright repeatedly so I know he is reaching his peak. I like the fact my husband has to trust me as well. I'm putting my trust in him so he should be able to put his trust in me. We are heavy into bondage as well so the safe word is more useful there. I like to be tied tightly but you can hold it for so long. My husband will tie my elbows together behind my back but I can only keep that position for so long so I'll use the safe word if it has been too long.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

cmc said:


> I would say my limits aren't too far. I usually don't like to get the point of welts. My husband also knows he can stop at any time. I know when he is getting to his limits. He'll tend to ask me if I'm alright repeatedly so I know he is reaching his peak. I like the fact my husband has to trust me as well. I'm putting my trust in him so he should be able to put his trust in me. We are heavy into bondage as well so the safe word is more useful there. I like to be tied tightly but you can hold it for so long. My husband will tie my elbows together behind my back but I can only keep that position for so long so I'll use the safe word if it has been too long.


Oooooooo we got rope bunnies here too! Yay!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Oooooooo we got rope bunnies here too! Yay!


Somebody is a happy bunny! :rofl:


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Oooooooo we got rope bunnies here too! Yay!


Yes! We have a whole drawer full of nothing but rope.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

cmc said:


> Yes! We have a whole drawer full of nothing but rope.


What is your favorite type? Is your husband a good rope top? Did he take a class or just learn on his own?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Lots of women like being spanked. I get nothing from it, but I enjoy pleasing the woman and so I am able to spank and enjoy on that level. After all, the pain is trivial and there is no lasting damage. If she wanted you to cut her up, I would not and many women enjoy rape fantasies and I will not have that on anything but the most cartoon-ish level.



cmc said:


> In a way this described our relationship. My husband was very concerned about being equals in bed and trying not to be controlling. I had to convince him that in the bedroom during sex, it is ok to take over and be dominant. He later confessed that he felt guilty at first wanting to be the dominant one in bed.
> 
> Another hurdle we had to get over was my use of the safe word. My husband would feel bad if I used it. I had to explain to him that it was a good thing and I liked being pushed to my limits. I assured him I would use it before I was seriously hurt.
> 
> I have also poked around on D/S and bondage forums. There's some good stuff there but a lot of it goes past what we are wanting to do but it's also good to poke around and get some ideas.


Perhaps you can ask him if he would be happy if you really took charge in bed, let yourself go and really enjoyed yourself. If he says yes, ask him to do that for you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

cmc said:


> Yes! We have a whole drawer full of nothing but rope.


I actually have an entire two shelf nightstand packed full of rope and a bag of different rope in the other nightstand.

We've gotten rope everywhere from online at a shibari website to Dom Depo. My favorite rope is the thick black we got at Dom Depot with the rope we ordered online and finished ourselves being a close second. Which is my fav depends on mood. Black rope for its weight and softness, the rope we finished when I want something lighter and more coarse.

I really really want a leather paddle and/or a riding crop. For use on both me and him. I'm just not sure if I want to buy one or make one. I'm also trying to find a way to make my own cat o nine tales from my rope supply.

Yeah, I'd say the forum has a few people who like some form of BDSM or other. :grin2:



GettingIt said:


> What is your favorite type? Is your husband a good rope top? Did he take a class or just learn on his own?


DH learned online. Esinem on Youtube. His videos on safety are wonderful and he also does his own rope finishing and instructional videos of different knots, wrapping, restraining, and so on.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> What is your favorite type? Is your husband a good rope top? Did he take a class or just learn on his own?


We just use rope bought at Home Depot. Some braided nylon rope. Can buy it in a spool and in different colors. It's soft so it doesn't chafe my skin. My husband learned ties by watching Youtube. He's really gotten good at it. At first I felt I could escape it rather easily, but now I know I can't. I know he watches some bondage videos and gets some ideas from there.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Ha! I had some nylon rope for tree trimmers that work quite well, likely the same stuff(German hemp rope is apparently the cats meow, I've read) and I too learned from YouTube - 2 Knotty Boys or some such. If I'm ever on a tall ship I'll be able to show off my skills.

I was thinking after posting last night that some people think that it's a role playing thing, like you are 'acting' as D/s. I can tell she needs as much as wants a lot of it, and I've been afraid to admit the same to myself.

I've come to think it's who you were all along. Nuances may change, but it was always there. 

Cheers,
V(13)


cmc said:


> We just use rope bought at Home Depot. Some braided nylon rope. Can buy it in a spool and in different colors. It's soft so it doesn't chafe my skin. My husband learned ties by watching Youtube. He's really gotten good at it. At first I felt I could escape it rather easily, but now I know I can't. I know he watches some bondage videos and gets some ideas from there.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I really really want a leather paddle and/or a riding crop. For use on both me and him. I'm just not sure if I want to buy one or make one. I'm also trying to find a way to make my own cat o nine tales from my rope supply.


Nothing says love to me like when my husband makes me a new impact toy  I say go for handcrafted! 





MJJEAN said:


> DH learned online. Esinem on Youtube. His videos on safety are wonderful and he also does his own rope finishing and instructional videos of different knots, wrapping, restraining, and so on.


Thanks for the suggestion. I tend to like to look at the finished product, but I think my h is more interested in the process.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Voltaire2013 said:


> I was thinking after posting last night that some people think that it's a role playing thing, like you are 'acting' as D/s. I can tell she needs as much as wants a lot of it, and I've been afraid to admit the same to myself.
> 
> I've come to think it's who you were all along. Nuances may change, but it was always there.


Same here. I don't consider our physical D/s interaction to be "scenes." They are intensely bonding--mentally, emotionally, and physically.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

Voltaire2013 said:


> Ha! I had some nylon rope for tree trimmers that work quite well, likely the same stuff(German hemp rope is apparently the cats meow, I've read) and I too learned from YouTube - 2 Knotty Boys or some such. If I'm ever on a tall ship I'll be able to show off my skills.
> 
> I was thinking after posting last night that some people think that it's a role playing thing, like you are 'acting' as D/s. I can tell she needs as much as wants a lot of it, and I've been afraid to admit the same to myself.
> 
> ...


I know my husband has watched the knotty boys videos. I have also found that clothesline works well too in a pinch. I prefer a little thicker rope. The thinner stuff seems to cut in too much and can cut off the blood flow. 

I haven't watched them as tying him up has not interested me. That isn't to say I don't like to take charge once in awhile. We have an under the bed strap where we can be strapped spread eagle on the bed. Sometimes I put my husband and sit on his face while he gives me oral. That is the extent of me being a dom. I get spanked and tied up as punishment for sitting on his face. 

I will say I definitely and it is more than role play. If my husband wasn't so willing to be a dom in bed, I'm not sure we would have gotten married.


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## husDOM (Feb 24, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> I have limits that, I think, are probably far beyond what my husband is comfortable with. I just don't feel like I need a safe word. But it's better that way than the other way around probably.
> 
> Or is it? Our husbands have to *trust us* to use our safe words before things go to far.
> 
> Yes, now that I think about it, it's probably best that the person pushing the limits has the lower threshold for how far to go.


I have a thought for consideration...

Safe words... I am always a proponent of them 100% of the time...

Now for a thought provoking comment... In scenarios such as yours, where your tolerance is well beyond your partners... Consider that without a clear communication tool such as a safe word to allow your partner, _not you_, to be _confident_ that he is not harming you in any manner, could impede or slow his growth as a Dom. A safe word provided the confidence that if he were to be on the edge of causing any harm that there was a predetermined way for you to communicate it to him. Without this mechanism, or something similar, finding the confidence to push closer to where you may want to go may be daunting task.

Safe words are every bit as much for the Dominant, and the nurturing of a new Dom's confidence, as they are for the submissive...

Best wishes,

Mr Fox


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've always thought this too. Safe words allow the D to really let go without worry and second guessing.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I've always thought this too. Safe words allow the D to really let go without worry and second guessing.


Agree with everything except "really let go". Most people have enough strength to do physical damage if they really let go. 

It certainly means far less worry and second guessing though. And worrying can mean inconsistent technique and physical damage. Huh, sounds like Yoda,
"worry leads to inconsistent technique,
inconsistent technique leads to physical damage,
and physical damage leads to SUFFERING."


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

NotEasy said:


> Agree with everything except "really let go". Most people have enough strength to do physical damage if they really let go.
> 
> It certainly means far less worry and second guessing though. And worrying can mean inconsistent technique and physical damage. Huh, sounds like Yoda,
> "worry leads to inconsistent technique,
> ...


I didn't mean let go in the sense of striking someone. More of a mental letting go. A lot of guys aren't really a Dom at heart and are basically playing a role either for their wife's benefit or simply to spice things up a little. In a situation like that, a guy will have a natural tendency to hold himself back--either for fear of going too far and hurting his wife or pissing her off. A safe word will let a guy like that explore the role of Dom a little more freely because he knows that she ultimately has control of the situation by virtue of her "veto" power.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I didn't mean let go in the sense of striking someone. More of a mental letting go. A lot of guys aren't really a Dom at heart and are basically playing a role either for their wife's benefit or simply to spice things up a little. In a situation like that, a guy will have a natural tendency to hold himself back--either for fear of going too far and hurting his wife or pissing her off. A safe word will let a guy like that explore the role of Dom a little more freely because he knows that she ultimately has control of the situation by virtue of her "veto" power.


Agree 100% 

The OP is very new to this and sounds unsure of himself; very like you describe. Maybe I can read between the lines that he is nervously holding back too much and pissing her off that way. Or he was early on. The answer is to relax, partly by using a safe word.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

safe word is definitely a must. boundaries are discussed, if not then the play is too risky. it doesn't take much more than a slip of a hand and some serious pain can result especially for younger folk who don't know some of the more seriously sensitive spots on bodies (eg the bald spot at the bottom of a mans scrotum, and how easy it is to bruise around the clit hood).

also if you do start, at no point can you ever assume the next move or next step is safe or ok because the last was (or because she said it was ok - this is where things differ so much from the "boozed party culture where anything goes" - this is the opposite end of the spectrum, to paraphrase a popular phrase "a thousand words cannot stop abuse, but in responsible risk play one word can _instant_ stop a thousand games". So watch for odd stuff, slipping of consciousness or posture. Much of the givers "satisfaction" is by proxy, much of the subs (apart from the subspace) is from the total trust, freedom, and attention.

If she is into spanking, then consider getting some toys. a mitt or even rolled up newspaper, or there are a range of paddles. The reason for this is many fold - first up it takes it a long step from domestic violence, because the ritualised acts involved remove it from the real anger; second you can put the spank hat on with the toy and take it off just as easily, you can build-up and foreplay which toys etc how bad she's been - and if you aren't feeling it you can make choices about how to play it. also pays to learn what you partner is looking for? is it a buried psych issue, does she want you to be super masculine in the husband role, is the pain edgy, or has she had a frightening experience that makes her sexual feelings more intense, or a personal challenge thing, perhaps she just loves being the wicked child (so you'll have to seriously set boundaries and what level of sex/flirting/drinking/risks with others you are prepared to deal with.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

I wouldn't say it is necessarily a good thing to let loose. One action could cause some serious pain. I feel it's best to slowly build up the intensity to my breaking point. I'll let him know when he reached that point. 

I do agree with the toys. It seems like my husband is more comfortable using the leather strap we have than his hand. A lot of times he'll slap and grab with his hand which I like in other situations. When I'm bent over and being spanked, it's more about getting to business. If I have been good, he will sometimes tape a small vibrator between my legs and spank me. That takes it even more into the erotic and away from just mechanical spanking and that makes him more comfortable.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ah, spankings...

where would we be without them?

i have to say, TAM seems to have changed a lot since my wife and i outed ourselves as D/s here a while back. its nice to see positive discussion rather than derogatory and insulting comments.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Google diy spreader bar/s, ropes are fun and an art and sometimes mandatory for setting a scene but bars are awesome for quick on the cuff fun

Remember after a spanking is over its always good too rub her down, my favorite is coconut oil 3tbs 20 seconds then 5 seconds after in the microwave till temp is right and 1or 2 drops of essential oil lavender or peppermint...ect to change it up 

I like the smell of raw cold pressed coconut oil smells like summer and tastes really good too


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

dash74 said:


> Google diy spreader bar/s, ropes are fun and an art and sometimes mandatory for setting a scene but bars are awesome for quick on the cuff fun
> 
> Remember after a spanking is over its always good too rub her down, my favorite is coconut oil 3tbs 20 seconds then 5 seconds after in the microwave till temp is right and 1or 2 drops of essential oil lavender or peppermint...ect to change it up
> 
> I like the smell of raw cold pressed coconut oil smells like summer and tastes really good too


Definitely use some sort of lotion. I also like to take oatmeal baths.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Ha Ha. I had to laugh. My wife asked me to spank her. In our marriage it's me that did the asking and she did it and has been doing it ever since. It's great for me. She doesn't dominate and I wouldn't call myself a sub. It's just a very nice feeling for some unknown reason. It touches some deep down need which is hard to explain.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think spankings and BDSM in general are all good fun. But - I a made uneasy when a D/S relationship is carried outside of immediate sexual activity. Real punishments for real offenses can become indistinguishable from abuse. In long term D/S, safe words may not work - its the same problem that in an abusive relationship a woman may not leave even though she *could* any time she wanted.

Its tricky - the idea of consent can become muddied.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

uhtred said:


> I think spankings and BDSM in general are all good fun. But - I a made uneasy when a D/S relationship is carried outside of immediate sexual activity. Real punishments for real offenses can become indistinguishable from abuse. In long term D/S, safe words may not work - its the same problem that in an abusive relationship a woman may not leave even though she *could* any time she wanted.
> 
> Its tricky - the idea of consent can become muddied.


Is this view coming from personal experience or conjecture?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Experience of a couple I know where a play D/S relationship gradually involved into what looks like an abusive one. They have a safe word, but the wife feels like she should go along with whatever makes her husband happy, even if she really doesn't want to.





As'laDain said:


> Is this view coming from personal experience or conjecture?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There's a difference between BDSM and Christian corrective spankings that I've also read about, in terms of a husband 'disciplining' his wife. The latter is straight up weird (and not at all Biblical)...the former can be fun, with the right guy.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I totally agree with what is being said. There is so much rubbish on the net about doms and subs, DD and punishments etc.

Spanking between a loving married couple can be fun and exhilerating without all the other stuff.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I think spankings and BDSM in general are all good fun. But - I a made uneasy when a D/S relationship is carried outside of immediate sexual activity. Real punishments for real offenses can become indistinguishable from abuse. In long term D/S, safe words may not work - its the same problem that in an abusive relationship a woman may not leave even though she *could* any time she wanted.
> 
> Its tricky - the idea of consent can become muddied.


I agree up to the point of spanking. Not sure about bdsm though. It makes me think of dungeons and stuff. I don't like the word. This is getting quite horrific now. Why should one have this in a loving marriage?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is a form of sex play, a way to live out fantasies. Also for some people, when they are aroused mild pain can feel pleasurable. For consenting adults who play safely, I think its absolutely fine. 

Its one of the many ways that humans vary in sexual interests. For some people, a woman in leather, stiletto heels and a riding crop "forcing" them to pleasure her would be extremely enjoyable. For others, its it would be disturbing, abusive. 

Rape fantasies are common, BDSM provides a way to live out those fantasies in complete safety. A woman can be "forced" to have sex - but in BDSM play her partner is "forcing" her to do exactly the things that he knows she enjoys, and she can stop the game at any point if it stops being fun.


My only concerns is if the play becomes long term, extreme to the point of actual injury, or the small subset of people who think safe words are for wimps. I'm not saying that people should not be allowed to do those things but the concern me for their potential to become really abusive. 






Tony Conrad said:


> I agree up to the point of spanking. Not sure about bdsm though. It makes me think of dungeons and stuff. I don't like the word. This is getting quite horrific now. Why should one have this in a loving marriage?


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I do understand that, though I think once you are married an effort should be made to kill of the fantasies you may have had of people doing stuff to you or you to them. My wife has fulfilled a lot of my fantasies. Those that she hasn't are best left out as the marriage is far more important. I find that one can get rid of unwanted fantasies that are not conducive to the marriage. Not all are helpful. I think everything has to be her and not another person in one's mind. It's a battle but a winnable one.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like she is a submissive.
Perhaps she watched things like "Fifty shades of gray", or read/watched submissive or bondage porn, and it really turned her on.

I would recommend caution here. If she asked you for some sort of kinky sex, and you were too embarrassed to discuss it...she may assume you will never do it...and that sometimes leads to cheating to get something she thinks she desperately needs.

I can get that one person in a relationship be into kinky sex, and the other person not. But it behooves you to TRY it for her sake. Spank her. Maybe do some other kinky things that are in a controlling way...like make her wear certain types of undergarments that only you two know about but are a little humiliating for her. Maybe when only the two of you are around, have her do some simulated "slave" activities....like dressing up in a maid's uniform, and dusting the room. Who knows what...just something you can either tolerate, or possibly even learn to enjoy, that is something that also supports her wanting to be submissive.

a good movie for the two of you to watch is "Secretary", maybe watch that together, and discuss it afterwards. It brings up some dominant/submissive things to do in a marriage.

I can not think of anything anti-Christian about a dom/sub marriage lifestyle...so religion wise you should be good to go


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Oh my GOD, the last thing ANYONE needs to watch to learn about D/s is 50 Shades lolololololol


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Oh my GOD, the last thing ANYONE needs to watch to learn about D/s is 50 Shades lolololololol


Agreed but I'm not old enough to watch the movie....


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oh come on. Its not THAT bad.

what do you recommend...a newbie join fet life and go to a munch to learn? You have to start somewhere


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I suggest that anyone who recommends 50 shades as a tutorial for the dominant and submissive lifestyle has never actually been in the lifestyle.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I suggest that anyone who recommends 50 shades as a tutorial for the dominant and submissive lifestyle has never actually been in the lifestyle.


Agreed, I’d recommend _Secretary_ :banghead:


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

I just saw this and had to comment. Yes, spanking can be part of sexual play. I worked with a lady for about 25 years. She was a what I would call a very religious person, "if the doors where open, she was there" kind of person. To my surprise one day she made a comment about being spanked for doing something wrong at work. 

Later she told me she asked her husband to spank her occasionally. I am like "oh really". She said she liked it and there was an art to it, she wanted to be spanked until it hurt, but not leave a bruise. He used a paddle of some kind. I asked her how often they did this and she said once or twice a month. She wanted it until it was really stinging and wanted for being "bad".

For me, I would rather be on the receiving end, don't think I could spank my wife.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Word to the OP.
I have experience with a real Sub. and a fake Sub.
My wife would come home and want to be disciplined for going out.
She would come home and want to be spanked and then be real horny.
Come to find out she wanted me to spank her for cheating that I was not aware of.
She wanted to be punished for a crime. An invisible crime to me. 
Somehow it made it right in her mind.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I think spankings and BDSM in general are all good fun. But - I a made uneasy when a D/S relationship is carried outside of immediate sexual activity. Real punishments for real offenses can become indistinguishable from abuse.


This is not really accurate. I am guessing conjecture here. There are many people who live a dominant and submissive lifestyle. I think the error in thinking here is the notion that dominants WANT (secretly or otherwise) to hurt their partners. Of course there are people who use the lifestyle to excuse this bad behavior. But there are many people for whom this is not the case. The d's responsibility and desire is the well being of their sub as is the sub's responsibility and desire.



> In long term D/S, safe words may not work - its the same problem that in an abusive relationship a woman may not leave even though she *could* any time she wanted.
> 
> Its tricky - the idea of consent can become muddied.


Education is key.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What you are calling "use the lifestyle to excuse bad behavior", I am calling abuse. I'm not saying that all 24/7 DS relationships are abusive, but it can be very difficult to tell from the outside. A very good friend of mine just divorced after a many year long completely unbalanced, borderline abusive relationship where here husband used their D/S interaction as an excuse. 






NobodySpecial said:


> This is not really accurate. I am guessing conjecture here. There are many people who live a dominant and submissive lifestyle. I think the error in thinking here is the notion that dominants WANT (secretly or otherwise) to hurt their partners. Of course there are people who use the lifestyle to excuse this bad behavior. But there are many people for whom this is not the case. The d's responsibility and desire is the well being of their sub as is the sub's responsibility and desire.
> 
> 
> 
> Education is key.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> What you are calling "use the lifestyle to excuse bad behavior", I am calling abuse.


I am saying that some people use the lifestyle to excuse behavior ranging from bad behavior to abuse. 



> I'm not saying that all 24/7 DS relationships are abusive, but it can be very difficult to tell from the outside.


No one has to "tell from the outside". They two of them are in the relationship. And no one else. A BDSM lifestyle is no more prone to abuse than any other in which there is a twisted, gaslighting jerk involved which IS what you said. 



> A very good friend of mine just divorced after a many year long completely unbalanced, borderline abusive relationship where here *husband used their D/S interaction as an excuse*.


This is an example of abuse but not a good one of a bdsm lifestyle. That is why I indicated education is key. Rather than identifying an example as the rule.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm not saying that BDSM is abuse. 

I'm saying that 24/7 D/S relationships can be indistinguishable from abuse and that can make it difficult for friends to provide help / support. 





NobodySpecial said:


> This is not really accurate. I am guessing conjecture here. There are many people who live a dominant and submissive lifestyle. I think the error in thinking here is the notion that dominants WANT (secretly or otherwise) to hurt their partners. Of course there are people who use the lifestyle to excuse this bad behavior. But there are many people for whom this is not the case. The d's responsibility and desire is the well being of their sub as is the sub's responsibility and desire.
> 
> 
> 
> Education is key.





NobodySpecial said:


> I am saying that some people use the lifestyle to excuse behavior ranging from bad behavior to abuse.
> 
> 
> No one has to "tell from the outside". They two of them are in the relationship. And no one else. A BDSM lifestyle is no more prone to abuse than any other in which there is a twisted, gaslighting jerk involved which IS what you said.
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I'm not saying that BDSM is abuse.
> 
> I'm saying that 24/7 D/S relationships can be indistinguishable from abuse and that can make it difficult for friends to provide help / support.


Ah. Gotcha. This may be a bad place to get that help/support. But it is by no means difficult to differentiate between abuse and bdsm. Like at all. If this is the route OP chooses, those communities might be better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I guess we will never know -- the OP hasn't been on the site since 2016!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is not really accurate. I am guessing conjecture here. There are many people who live a dominant and submissive lifestyle. I think the error in thinking here is the notion that dominants WANT (secretly or otherwise) to hurt their partners. Of course there are people who use the lifestyle to excuse this bad behavior. But there are many people for whom this is not the case. The d's responsibility and desire is the well being of their sub as is the sub's responsibility and desire.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


QFT. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.


:rofl:

That's like the last thing OP would want to hear lol


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## Simple Dude (Dec 21, 2016)

She asks for a spanking, Well then give her a good Lickin


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Agreed, I’d recommend _Secretary_ :banghead:


The only problem i have with Secretary....is she comes from a mental institution, and is cutting herself, and then progresses to a Dom/Sub lifestyle. It kind of implies you have to be crazy to live that way.....


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I am well into spanking in our marriage but punishment is a no go. My wife actually spanks me and is very comfortable with it but I know that any punishment or domination would not be healthy for me as that is not our relationship. Everyone is different I suppose.


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## arethamorce (Mar 25, 2019)

wow kapaowwww


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

uhtred said:


> What you are calling "use the lifestyle to excuse bad behavior", I am calling abuse. I'm not saying that all 24/7 DS relationships are abusive, but it can be very difficult to tell from the outside. A very good friend of mine just divorced after a many year long completely unbalanced,* borderline abusive relationship where here husband used their D/S interaction as an excuse*.


Wasn't going to reply since this is an old thread, but I have to say* That wasn't a loving D/s relationship! *
It was simply an insecure controlling person who enjoyed inflicting pain and creating an emotional cripple.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

BDSM. Bondage, discipline, submission, mastery, masochism, sadism, domination. 
example of a good D/s relationship. Domination and submission sans the sadism.

The submissive is often a people pleaser to the extent they are afraid to stand up for themselves, and often may feel need for structure, and discipline to release guilt.

A good Dom/husband will give his sub what's needed for her to feel whole, thereby giving her the strength and confidence to stand up for who/what she is and relieve the burden of feeling she/he must be pleasing to everyone at all times.

This can take many forms: self-work, study, self-improvement. 
A Dom/husband is interested in seeing his sub be all she is capable of being. Instead of degrading he wants to build up which brings mastery (the other variant of the M) of the sub over her own insecurities. 

Such may include a need of the sub for spankings if such is the case it is the doms responsiblityvto understand why and to apply as needed for healing. 

Simply a touching of the surface without getting to deep into the psychology of it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It varies. Sometimes a sub is somewhat submissive in real life. Other time a sub just want to shed their responsibility for a few hours. Sometimes its just a kink, with no relationship to the rest of life. 





red oak said:


> BDSM. Bondage, discipline, submission, mastery, masochism, sadism, domination.
> example of a good D/s relationship. Domination and submission sans the sadism.
> 
> The submissive is often a people pleaser to the extent they are afraid to stand up for themselves, and often may feel need for structure, and discipline to release guilt.
> ...


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

uhtred said:


> It varies. Sometimes a sub is somewhat submissive in real life. Other time a sub just want to shed their responsibility for a few hours. Sometimes its just a kink, with no relationship to the rest of life.


Define submissive. :smile2:
A sub can still be dominant in real life, but as many would say, it's like wearing a shoe on the wrong foot.
Many project a Dominant nature for protection. 
What most call a D/s relationship today are a shadow of the depth of understanding and intimacy such a relationship can bring. 

Have you ever talked to a sub or dom?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes, both and quite a bit. 
For some people its something that pervades their lives. For others its just sex play. 

Dominatrices can and do charge high prices to wealthy men who just want someone else to be in charge for once. 



red oak said:


> Define submissive. :smile2:
> A sub can still be dominant in real life, but as many would say, it's like wearing a shoe on the wrong foot.
> Many project a Dominant nature for protection.
> What most call a D/s relationship today are a shadow of the depth of understanding and intimacy such a relationship can bring.
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> Define submissive. :smile2:
> A sub can still be dominant in real life, but as many would say, it's like wearing a shoe on the wrong foot.


Can you explain the shoe/foot analogy, please?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Yes, both and quite a bit.
> 
> For some people its something that pervades their lives. For others its just sex play.
> 
> ...


D/S is at play in every relationship, whether people want to acknowledge it or not. 

It is the very fabric in which the dynamic is interwoven.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Can you explain the shoe/foot analogy, please?


Most subs prefer being told in no uncertain terms, usually preferring to work with people instead of directing, and are uncomfortable telling people what to do.

They feel out of place, stressed, and more emotionally exhausted than if they were in a role where they are working together with people. 

That help?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> Most subs prefer being told in no uncertain terms, usually preferring to work with people instead of directing, and are uncomfortable telling people what to do.
> 
> They feel out of place, stressed, and more emotionally exhausted than if they were in a role where they are working together with people.
> 
> That help?


Yes. Not my experience at all. Where comest thou on this thought?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Doesn't match my limited experience. I'm sure there are some people who's sexual interest matches their real life personality, but I know couples where the bedroom behavior doesn't at all match real life - in fact I think its an escape from real life (I have one friend who over-shares a lot....)



red oak said:


> Most subs prefer being told in no uncertain terms, usually preferring to work with people instead of directing, and are uncomfortable telling people what to do.
> 
> They feel out of place, stressed, and more emotionally exhausted than if they were in a role where they are working together with people.
> 
> That help?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yes. Not my experience at all. Where comest thou on this thought?


Pesonality is a broad spectrum. The subs I gave example of would be those on the high end of the very submissive spectrum, the constant people pleaser, those who find there greatest joy in life by serving others.

At the low end are those who only feel a desire to submit to one person or on their own terms.

The lower one goes on the spectrum the better the shoe will fit and less stress from leadership roles.

Years of observation , study, experience, discussions, and onion peeling. 

Eta: mbti also effects those on the scale. Many variables to consider. I simply gave an overall example.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Even in real life I don't seem such a clear distinction between dominant and submissive people. I see people change in different situations. Not that there are more dominant or submissive people, but rock/scissors/ paper. There are some people who seem almost always submissive (which is a little annoying) and some who try to always be dominant (which is extremely annoying), but most seem to vary.





red oak said:


> Pesonality is a broad spectrum. The subs I gave example of would be those on the high end of the very submissive spectrum, the constant people pleaser, those who find there greatest joy in life by serving others.
> 
> At the low end are those who only feel a desire to submit to one person or on their own terms.
> 
> ...


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Even in real life I don't seem such a clear distinction between dominant and submissive people. I see people change in different situations. Not that there are more dominant or submissive people, but rock/scissors/ paper. There are some people who seem almost always submissive (which is a little annoying) and some who try to always be dominant (which is extremely annoying), but most seem to vary.


As I said, lots of variables. on the high end of the spectrum each mbti would be different as well life experiences within each mbti causing each to frame things differently. 

When dealing with people overall one can only generalize. Only when getting individual can one be specific.

When viewing public persona you only see the mask. Often they are already shells of their selves.
I used to like to observe the individual behind the mask. Still do sometimes.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> Pesonality is a broad spectrum. The subs I gave example of would be those on the high end of the very submissive spectrum, the constant people pleaser, those who find there greatest joy in life by serving others.


The only qualm I have is with he word "most" that you use. I see no evidence of that at all.



> At the low end are those who only feel a desire to submit to one person or on their own terms.
> 
> The lower one goes on the spectrum the better the shoe will fit and less stress from leadership roles.
> 
> ...


Where are you doing your observation, I wonder!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

uhtred said:


> Even in real life I don't seem such a clear distinction between dominant and submissive people. I see people change in different situations. Not that there are more dominant or submissive people, but rock/scissors/ paper. There are some people who seem almost always submissive (which is a little annoying) and some who try to always be dominant (which is extremely annoying), but most seem to vary.


You must be annoyed a lot. Does it make you want to spank someone?


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

It is perfectly fine. As someone who spanks my g/f with and without toys, ties her up, makes her squirt, has sex in front of others, anal, etc etc etc. don't sweat it too much. Just have fun and explore each other. Don't get so hung up on things. If you like to tie her up and spank her and she likes it then run with it. Sex should be fun.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Nah, I only want to spank someone when I'm not annoyed. 


Now a grenade tossed into someone's office......


Seriously though I don't get annoyed very much. I just find people who want to be the alpha-male-dominant-leader to be annoying. 




Mr. Nail said:


> You must be annoyed a lot. Does it make you want to spank someone?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> The only qualm I have is with he word "most" that you use. I see no evidence of that at all.
> 
> 
> 
> Where are you doing your observation, I wonder!


Come on I hadn't even finished a cup of coffee when I wrote that. 0

I should have been more specific and said: many of those on the top end, very submissive personality types spectrum, will be more uncomfortable taking a dominant position. Some of it will also depend on their mbti type. The sensors and feelers especially, although they can do well in leadership roles as they are more in tune with people. 

To me dominance, and leadership are 2 totally different things. 
A dom can be leader, but a leader doesn't have to be a dominant. 

I have been studying people, and psychology all my life for myself not as a job.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> Come on I hadn't even finished a cup of coffee when I wrote that. 0
> 
> I should have been more specific and said: many of those on the top end, very submissive personality types spectrum, will be more uncomfortable taking a dominant position. Some of it will also depend on their mbti type. The sensors and feelers especially, although they can do well in leadership roles as they are more in tune with people.
> 
> ...


I was more curious what the source of your submissive study samples was.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I was more curious what the source of your submissive study samples was.


Observations from 45yrs worth of testing, and study for my own interests.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> Observations from 45yrs worth of testing, and study for my own interests.


Right. Where did you come across a notable sample where you could make rather ..... interesting claims about tiers of submissives and their personalities. Yah I guess I am calling a bit of BS.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Right. Where did you come across a notable sample where you could make rather ..... interesting claims about tiers of submissives and their personalities. Yah I guess I am calling a bit of BS.


I've been studying people as long as I can remember. 

How did sj's being majority of blue collar workers effect today's corporate hegemony?

What drivers influence impulse buys, materialism, sports team allegiances, motor cycle groups............. what portion of the hierarchy *(tiers)* :smile2: of needs has the void which each of those temporarily alleviate?
What drivers fuel those who come to this website for help, or to learn, yet remain? (I am aware enough I know why I do. I won't state it though.)

Would it also be bs to say most; 98%; who go into any chain store, retail outlets, or restaurants are being manipulated/controlled by something as simple as the color choice? It's a feild with decades of research to back it up yet most will say it's bs as well from lack of personal awareness, and reflection. 

Why do most modern stores have a design similar to crowding chutes, and sale barns used for livestock pens at checkout?

The above are examples of how complex an issue discussing such topics becomes. 
Each of those influence what we see in others unless we become aware of it and learn to view and understand internal drivers which most people even hide from themselves. Something I have spent a lifetime learning.

ETA: to try and stay in tune with this thread: what drivers influence the desire or need to be spanked. 

Many will say eroticism, desire to submit etc etc. However those are only generalizations and avoid the deeper understandings or micro-analysis, of why it's erotic, what need it fulfills, and on a tier scale to what point should it be taken.
Is it just light spankings, or on the other end of the spectrum hardcore sadistic, masochistic "abuse" desired and what is it about that individual which "needs" it to be so harsh?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People vary in how extreme activities they like. Some like to run for a half-hour in the morning, others run the western states ultra. Some people like to ski the village run, others want double-black-diamond. Some want to sit in a nice cafe somewhere, others want to spend 2 years living in the highlands of Papua New Guinea


Sex is the same. Some like vanilla, others more extreme things. 

As with any of these, there can be a point where it becomes a problem, but that is a very fuzzy boundary. 




red oak said:


> Is it just light spankings, or on the other end of the spectrum hardcore sadistic, masochistic "abuse" desired and what is it about that individual which "needs" it to be so harsh?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do they sell spank o meters ?

So you can tell if you're going to hard or not hard enough.

>


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

By looking at the superficial the whole point of the post was overlooked 


uhtred said:


> People vary in how extreme activities they like. Some like to run for a half-hour in the morning, others run the western states ultra. Some people like to ski the village run, others want double-black-diamond. Some want to sit in a nice cafe somewhere, others want to spend 2 years living in the highlands of Papua New Guinea
> 
> 
> Sex is the same. Some like vanilla, others more extreme things.
> ...


Eta: I agree with your statement. 
I've always looked for the, what drivers are steering that car.


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