# What steps worked, and what didn't?



## lulubelle

i've been separated for 2 months. at first i tried the hysterical clingy thing (as many of you know, that doesn't work so well!) i tried to give a time limit ultamatum (he said if i made him choose, we were done) strike 2. next, after pooring over books, i decided to be his biggest cheer leader, writing him love letters, leaving little thoughtful presents, ect. sometimes he seemed to enjoy this, but it did not sway him out of the "i don't know" phase (which, btw, every time i hear him say i don't know, i want to gouge his eyes out. how do you honestly NOT KNOW????) we just started a 4 week period of no contact. it was my idea, simply because i don't know what else to do. he says he loves me and wants to make things work, but is scared to even try because he's afraid it will end up being the same.

So.... what types of separation worked for you? what helped the light bulb over the proverbial head turn on? if nc doesn't work, i really don't know what else is left.


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## dormant

He has you where he wants you. He's in control and your life hangs on his decision. If you take the posture that you could care less either way and stop responding to anything he says or does, then maybe...just maybe, he will look at it as a challange to get you back. Just my take on it.


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## This is me

I think you need to do the 180. I am not sure I agree with the 4 weeks of no contact, but to each their own if it works. 

What happened in my situation was doing the 180 the best I could for myself, but never completely closing the door. She left for four months, we did weekly MC and talked about every 3 days. This was very hard on me, but it gave her space and left the opportunity to reconcile, which we have.

By the 3rd month I had had enough and gave her two options. This after she saw that I had done all I could to be respectful of her need for space and time. Option one was that she move home on the weekends and we work towards complete return. Option two was that we sit down and divide the assets and find a lawyer who will help us retain as much of our assets as we can at the end of our divorce process.

She came back on the weekends and eventually moved back full time.


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## lulubelle

what do you mean by 180? i don't want nc, but i'm just at the end of my rope! if he would just try, at least if it still didn't work, i could say we did everything we could.


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## noelle

Unfortunately, all you can do is the hardest thing. Let go. No, I am not saying give up, nor am I telling you to stop loving him. Simply stop trying to control the situation! You are in such a good place if he still wants to work things out! Give him time and space and let him figure things out in his own mind.
I don't know about your faith, but Rejoice Marriage Ministries has been the biggest help to me in my separation. Even if you don't believe in Christ as your savior, the advice you will find there is still sound.
I am sure you have heard of the "love chapter" from the Bible.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8
My response to that used to be a simple eye roll and dismissal, but read those one by one and think about it. My biggest struggle is the first phrase "love is patient." It sounds to me like you are battling that one as well.
Keep your chin up. Focus on the roll that YOU played in the separation and how you can correct those problems within yourself. Ask your husband to forgive you for your part in the downfall and keep moving. Remember his needs.
The fact that he still wants to work it out after you have put him through the super clingy, desperate initial phase (that we all go through) is phenomenal! 
Remember, you signed up for a lifetime with him. If you both have to go through a season of distance for a year, or even five years, is it not worth it?
Please do not seek attention from males, continue living your life the same way you would if he were still with you. Don't bash him publicly either, for these things could get back to him and cause him to leave again once he does come home.
I am praying for you! 
WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries


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## that_girl

What worked for me was backing away. NO CONTACT unless he contacted me. Working on myself. Losing weight to feel more confident (and had the separation diet which...yea. lol.)

Just back off. Do the 180...which means the opposite of everything you're doing now. If you have to force it, it's not real.


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## lulubelle

thank you noelle. i just keep going through these waves of sadness and anger, it's like a roller coaster. i really don't want nc, but at least it gives me time to not stress about the next time i see him, or over analyzing a text.

i read a christian book on separation that actually broke down the "love chapter" phrase by phrase that really explained in detail what each ment. it was very helpful. and you're right, patient isn't one of my strong traits! 
thank you for all of your advice, and i will check out marriage ministeries. thank you for your kindness!


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## lulubelle

thanks thatgirl. i'm hoping nc will shock him and make him miss me. i've been on the separation diet- basically i don't really eat. it's like my stomach shrank when he walked out. my best friend is constantly taking me out to eat, or bringing me lunch! the kids and i are going on a vacation for a week to the beach, and im hoping that really clears my head and gets me in a better spot.


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## that_girl

At the beginning of my separation, the kids and I already had a trip planned. 10 days out of state. I had NC. He called half way through to talk to the kids...and then wanted to talk to me. Not to give you false hope, but my trip turned a lot around. He said he realized how much he miss me. Our separation was 3 months. He moved out because of how I treated him which stemmed from my own issues and stupidity. I got IC and fixed myself and we've been going strong for 9 months now.


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## bribrius

guys are problem solvers. which i am a guy so that is what led me here trying to solve my own problem. he wont continue with the relationship unless he figures out how to solve the problem. First he has to recognize the problem, then realize where it came from, then see how you react to him, and he reacts to you, how whatever it is might escalate. That is probably what he will be doing, unless he thinks there is no solution in which it may very well be over. But if he is a smart man, he will be playing it back in forth in his head, like watching a movie for quite a while trying to understand it all. He wont be rash in deciding anything. Us guys are slow learners with emotions, but thorough for the most part in studying something when we are trying to figure out why it "broke".
i dont know your story, but agree somewhat with other posters.

what would probably work for me 
a. be honest with him, totally
b. offer to help him, "solve it", he needs to understand what went wrong. You can do this with insight, or just by letting him ask you questions so he understands your feeling at certain times. But dont be pushy, just offer as needed.
c. sex. if you are totally out of sight, out of mind, he may find another sexual outlet. Give him sex, with no strings. just offer it and see if he wants it. He may not want it, we tend to think more clearly without sex or any outside intervention so he may opt out. But giving him the option may keep him on task (instead of looking elsewhere for sex)
d. agree with another poster on saying sorry, not for all of it just your part, whatever that is. If he thinks you will help work to solve whatever problems there are because you really are sorry he knows there is less chance of it going wrong again. It makes him more likely to try, instead of just saying its over and not worth it.

just my thoughts, from what i know which isnt much.

i should probably mention, when i separated (i had not intention of divorce i just couldnt figure out what was going wrong) my wife didnt want me to leave her. But i didnt want to go back until my head was clear and i wasnt confused. i needed to figure out what made things the way they were so they ALSO didnt repeat.
i never quite figured it out and they repeated, but what did partially help was i asked her to write me letters, not just love letters but explanations about how she thought, felt, her side of it.
i just really needed to understand her side of it, how her and i reacted to eachother. i didnt understand it, i was confused and felt i needed to understand it. She wrote me some lengthy letters, and i actually learned alot about her. i didnt understand her actual diagnosis until i asked here, but it did help me understand HER, and that staying married was without a doubt worth it. she was worth it, it was worth me trying to figure it out to try to save the marriage.
so letters, or ask him if he needs explanation. no pressure. start with letters then see if he wants to talk after he has some time to contemplate what you write.
Guys are logical, a simple love letter is great but doesnt really help solve what he is looking for.


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## noelle

that_girl said:


> He moved out because of how I treated him which stemmed from my own issues and stupidity.


That sounds very much like my own situation. Our separation is coming up on 3 months next week. Once I stopped calling and backed off, he started calling again. Yesterday he had a rough day and called hoping to be put in a better mood -- our conversation was over 2 hours. PTL!
It is true, distance will do a world of good. Lulubelle, please don't fake anything. Be genuine in everything that you do, at the same time start really thinking about things before you do them. If I had something that I needed to call him about, I would wait four days to see if I had an opportunity to tell him without initiating contact.
James 1:19 - My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

I have a plethora of scripture and thoughts that are keeping me afloat. I don't want to bombard you on here but if you would like them do not hesitate to PM me.


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## lulubelle

thank you everyone!
during my "super duper love phase" i did write a letter of what i did wrong, and how sorry i am. i'm also going to ic.
we have had sex twice since the separation, the last time was no strings. we didn't even talk about it after.
i worry since i put a 4 week time limit on the nc, he may be stubborn and not contact me- which contact is what i'm hoping for from his end!
this vacation was supposed to be a family vacation, which makes it a little bitter sweet, since he won't be there, but my best girlfriend is coming up for a few days which will be nice.

bribrius- any thoughts or ideas you can give me are much apprieciated. i have no idea what's going on in his head, and he has never really told me exactly why he was unhappy. i get "i don't know" "i felt overwhelmed" "it was a monotonous cycle of go to work, come home, shower, eat, clean up, sleep, repeat"
but he can never give me an example.

noelle- keep the scripture coming! you can send them to me, or maybe even start a scripture/uplifting quotes thread? that would be awesome!


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## bribrius

lulubelle said:


> thank you everyone!
> during my "super duper love phase" i did write a letter of what i did wrong, and how sorry i am. i'm also going to ic.
> we have had sex twice since the separation, the last time was no strings. we didn't even talk about it after.
> i worry since i put a 4 week time limit on the nc, he may be stubborn and not contact me- which contact is what i'm hoping for from his end!
> this vacation was supposed to be a family vacation, which makes it a little bitter sweet, since he won't be there, but my best girlfriend is coming up for a few days which will be nice.
> 
> bribrius- any thoughts or ideas you can give me are much apprieciated. i have no idea what's going on in his head, and he has never really told me exactly why he was unhappy. i get "i don't know" "i felt overwhelmed" "it was a monotonous cycle of go to work, come home, shower, eat, clean up, sleep, repeat"
> but he can never give me an example.
> 
> noelle- keep the scripture coming! you can send them to me, or maybe even start a scripture/uplifting quotes thread? that would be awesome!


overwhelmed sounds like he wasnt getting sex and emotional support from you, or enough. 
i dont know is because he REALLY DOESNT KNOW.
guys are pretty to the point and simple.
The cycle says he is bored, doesnt feel fulfilled, either with his life, or with your relationship.
could go back to whatever is missing in your relationship.
hes confused, trying to figure it out. Next stage may be the scale (least i went through a scale phase cant speak for everyone).
if he is starting that he will be weighing the benefits or what you bring to his life vs. what you may take from it or he may be giving up for you.
i scaled ALOT and for a while.
if the scale was too far i asked myself "what does she give me that i need?"
i actually asked her this question flat out as well.
i also weighed "what am i giving up for her?"
on the other side.
Then you put in kids, whatever and in true guy form weigh it out for best possible outcomes for all involved.
If it seems like the logical thing to do he will probably continue trying to figure out if it can be fixed at this point. If he doesnt think its worth it, the scale tips too far the other way, he may just let the relationship go.
"what is she giving me that i need" was actually a very important question for me. As i knew something was missing, because something went wrong.
i also questioned what she may have needed i wasnt giving her.
And quite honestly, if you arent getting much back in the relationship that you need, and dont think you will get what you need returned, the work to save it may just not be worth the headache.
if its decided its worth it, then the figuring out what went wrong, and how to stop it from happening again phase starts. 
just what i have been through anyway, think most guys are probably pretty similiar.


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## lulubelle

bribrius, i adore you right now. i really think you are dead on. i've told him i'm willing to do whatever it takes to make us happy, but i'm not sure if he believes me, or just thinks i'm saying what i think he wants to hear.

from a guys POV bribrius, after nc, what things would a guy want to see/hear to trust that his significant other was truely willing to make changes/compromise? i need to learn to speak guy language.


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## deejov

He left for a reason. Do you know WHY he left? And why he's afraid things will go back to the way they were?

Part of the NC "part" is to spend that time working on yourself. Taking a hard look at yourself. Going to counselling. Getting your self esteem back. Finding your center. Detaching a bit from him. 

Read up on the 180. Start focusing on yourself. 
Exercise. Get a hobby. Take a class. Think about your goals in life. What do you want to do with your life? 

What do you think your purpose is here on this planet?
How do you treat people, and how do you want to be treated?
Soul searching. 

Then you might think differently about the situation.


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## lulubelle

it's crazy, but i've started really thinking what we each brought to the relationship, and i'm realizing other than sex and sometimes (when he felt like it) companionship, he really didn't bring much. i read or heard somewhere, that you should surround yourself with people who lift you up, make you better or make you strive to be better. i am starting to realize that i was the one always trying to be his cheerleader, always striving to help him be his best and that was really draining on me. he is pretty happy being stagnant. i want to grow and become the best me possible.


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