# well date night was a huge disaster



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

So last night I found someone to watch our kids overnight, I got a few movies, got some dinner. I got Get him to the greek, things were fine we were hanging out, well at the end of the stupid movie there was a damn threesome, TRIGGER!!!!! He got all quiet and I asked him what was wrong. After some prodding, (I knew what the problem was because it triggered me also.) He said that the end of the movie bothered him.

Now duh, of course I didn't know the movie had that in there, and he knows that. It just brought up everything, and we basically sort of argued, ( I remained calm and didn't raise my voice) bringing up all of the ****. He said this whole transparency thing pisses him off, like I am trying to control him. He said a year ago I would have never allowed him to look into my emails, etc. Now I am all about an open book, he doesn't understand it. Is this damn mindset just a guy thing????

This is him...I invited strangers into our home, he would have never done that, I would have never expected that from you. Me....well I would have never expected you to carry on with another woman online for over a year, I said at this point does it even matter who did what? I said we both have been in personal downward spirals for so long we did things that were completely out of character. He feels all of the things I did to him were/are way worse than what he did. I guess I feel the blame is 50/50 I mean really does the injustices each of us did really even matter now? I mean in the sense that is there a system where you rate the wrong you did on a scale of 1-10? Like keeping score?

At this point I don't know what to say, I told him what matters is the here and now, we both need to work past what happened, and move forward personally as well as together or we have no chance. He won't go to counseling, I have an apt on Thursday, but damn I wish it was today. I wish he could see that just letting all of this sit there and ride inside of him isn't helping him at all. He says he knows what he wants now, ok fine. I am not sure if it's sheer stubborness or what that he's just holding onto it, I told him you gotta work on forgiving me, regardless of if we work out or not. Not necessarily forget, but forgive. I have forgiven him for almost everything, I have forgiven him for everything but the almost week old EA. I am working on that.

Everything I say goes in one ear and out the other, he sees my insisting that I have access as a means to control him, but it's not. I told him this is the way I need to rebuild my trust in you, you need to find a way to rebuild your trust in me. I brought up many things that I wasn't forcing him to do, such as counseling, allowing him the space with affection/intimacy..asking him to tell me when it's making him feel uncomfortable. He feels that I am being selfish. He doesn't want to be controlled, he says I always have been, I guess I see it differently, but men and women are different. 

All I wanted was to hang out with my husband and have a nice evening, try and spend some time together, giving him a nice quiet evening after a long day, well all in all, it was nothing but a big f*$(%$ disaster.

Now I have another day in front of me filled with anxiety, self doubt, self loathing, and wondering where my future lies. He's not taking the steps he needs to take for himself so we can figure out our future. Myself? I am taking baby steps.


----------



## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

paramore said:


> So last night I found someone to watch our kids overnight, I got a few movies, got some dinner. I got Get him to the greek, things were fine we were hanging out, well at the end of the stupid movie there was a damn threesome, TRIGGER!!!!! He got all quiet and I asked him what was wrong. After some prodding, (I knew what the problem was because it triggered me also.) He said that the end of the movie bothered him.
> 
> Now duh, of course I didn't know the movie had that in there, and he knows that. It just brought up everything, and we basically sort of argued, ( I remained calm and didn't raise my voice) bringing up all of the ****. He said this whole transparency thing pisses him off, like I am trying to control him. He said a year ago I would have never allowed him to look into my emails, etc. Now I am all about an open book, he doesn't understand it. Is this damn mindset just a guy thing????
> 
> ...


First, "Get Him To The Greek?" I hate you right now.

Anyway, it sounds as if in regards to therapy, he doesn't believe in it. He may need someone to talk to like an older gentleman that's been where he's going until he can sink his teeth into therapy.

On the subject of you being controlling, he needs to realize that he's cheated too so shut the @#$% up. Don't say that in so many words but he needs to realize that and get with the program. Right now, you are the only one that's trying to fix the equation and he's leaving the marriage open for a relapse or an implosion from what I've seen in your other posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

paramore: Buy the following book,

"Surviving an Affair" by Harley.

It gives you some robust advice on recovering your marriage. I suggest an online call with the same author or the affaircare site , both will help you create a plan on how to involve your husband in the recovery processes.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks I am gonna look up and order that book sometime this afternoon. What sucks guys is that from my perspective I think he is seeing me as the root of all the problems. He has so much anger and resentment for me right now, it's clouding his vision. He seems happy to sit there and wallow in his little hole and shut down and not really deal with it. It's constant I don't know I don't know in his head. He needs to somehow get himself inspired to start working on himself as a person and start working on healing himself and working on forgiving. Cuz until he does that we are all in limbo, he's doing a massive disservice to himself, me, and us. In the end I only want happiness for both of us whether we are married or not. If he can't get through all of these feelings, it's going to cave him at some point or time, we have no chance as partners or friends or being good co-parents. It will also haunt every other relationship he ever has with a woman.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Give it your best shot , while doing this do a 180 on him. I suspect the affair is still going on in his head and he is fantasizing about it. Until he stops and focuses on you your marriage cannot move forward. 




> Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> 
> No frequent phone calls.
> 
> ...


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Wouldn't some of these just reinforce in his head that he was right? For instance my not giving him affection/intimacy, if I withdraw that, then in his head, knowing him, he's gonna say to himself, see? she hasn't changed at all. Unfortunately I have been doing some of these things, like asking if we could talk about it, saying I love you, pointing out the good points, date night. There is so much advice that conflicts with each other, while conflicting, all of it makes sense, so it makes it really hard to know which advice to follow hahaha. The date night was trying to get us laughing and show him how we are together, which made perfect sense, what you are suggesting makes perfect sense too. Gah!!! choices choices, it's like i'm picking out shoes hahaha.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

what is your faith paramore? do u have any?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You still give him affection, what you also say is you are moving on, past his affair and are stronger for it. Eventually it will come down to a simple decision of him being on the bus or standing with one foot off, sooner or later he will fall off at a corner . 

He has to be on board to save the marriage otherwise recovery will fail , you cannot force him however the 180 and affection you give will help show him that you are meeting his needs, can stand up for yourself and are willing to move on if he does not shake his ideas up and stop mulling over his affair. 

Read the book first, there is a set of online emotional needs questionnaires on the marriage builders site that you can access, these will help you identify what EN's he and you should fulfill to help rebuild the love in your marriage.

The recovery plan I am proposing is within the book similar items are covered in the marriagebuilder and affaircare sites.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am Lutheran, I would describe myself as agnostic. Oddly enough I have felt an overwhelming need to go to church lately. I do believe in God, have always believed that everyone worships in their own way. My faith??? I don't know if I have much left after massive trainwreck.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh I do know he has to be on board 100%, for sure. You are right it WILL fail. He is just so messed up right now, and his refusal to deal is driving me crazy. I have to let that stop driving me nuts, I sit here and worry about him because I love him. I need to stop it and focus completely on me right now.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Everyone is different and while in theory both affairs are just that affairs......as a guy I can say a PA is 500x worse then a EA in my mind.

I work in IT so I see what people do and playing flirty texty on the interenet is so freaking common it's unreal.........actually meeting and banging someone is a little different. Most online flirty chatty is just that online.

Best of luck I hope he sees how much you are trying and that you guys can work towards a happy place.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Me too, me too.


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i think....

that the agnosticism speaks for itself, no?

set u up like bowling pin for the first/last big storm to head

yer way. u built yer *faith* in your "trainwreck" as u say/said,

and found you built yer house upon sand. (Jesus said it 1st)

*faith* in God gets us thru many a tough time in life.

some call it being "weak", and yeah in a way it is, but that

weakness turns out to be YOUR advantage over those who 

deem themselves soooo strong.

Yet, i can tell u it also is for the strong. it takes strength

sometimes to OBEY GOD, and have *faith* in HIM and what 

he says/is telling u to do, think, say, believe, etc.


Even if its just a feeling.....hmmm...i'd go to a spirit-filled 

church if i were u. pray about it, sincerely. shalom.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

You know cb something neat happened today, I spoke with my girlfriend about this, and she is an avid Christian. Her and her husband put it in practice daily. She said a prayer for me, and I felt really good all of the sudden, haven't had that feeling in a long time, it was calming, soothing. I haven't had that feeling in a very very very long time. I swear in that moment, I wasn't born again, but I felt a little faith come back. I have actually thought about calling a pastor or go to a church, which I haven't done in a really long time. It's interesting that you would post this and that happened to me today.


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Paramore - you do know that you have a ton of people praying for you and your husband - right?

Regardless of church affiliation - it doesn't matter - just pray. Sometimes it gets answered or sometimes God shows us the way to help ourselves. 

Please don't lose hope. I told HurtinginTN the same - Don't lose HOPE - if you lose HOPE then all is lost. 

Hang in there kid!


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Every once in a while, I impart upon posters, some of the Italian wisdom I grew up with in the form of sayings that grandma used to teach.

Tonight... 

"When someone yells at you, screams in frustration or acts impatient with you, they love you. When they stop arguing, withdraw completly and just dont care... well then you have lost them forever."


As for me, well.. I am pretty sure that my advice to GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE fell on deaf ears. Seems you learned first hand what I told you two days ago, paramore... ALL progress is lost inside the home. 

Which brings me to my next Saying..

"Education is never free... college or life... you always pay to learn something"

I got a million of em. lol Grandma was a genius.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Well silly he had just got done working a 12 hr shift he would have refused to leave the house, I am however going to my sisters I believe on Thursday to hang vehicle permitting, her car can't hold all of us, I think my dad is gonna come and try to get the pickup fixed today or lend me his for a little while. 
I love your wisdom, my man has withdrawn, sometimes argues, but only when I start it, and seems like he cares, so I am guessing all hope isn't lost yet. So maybe not that the argument on Saturday could be looked at in a positive light in a way. He still feels anger at me, anger enough to argue a point, he cares some days some not, I am gonna take that little tidbit and stick it my pocket of hope. It's hard to leave the house when you have a man who never wants to leave it when he gets home.


----------

