# Uncomforitable with his fetish



## looking4support (Sep 12, 2011)

I love my husband dearly, although he has many flaws I can work with/overlook, the one I can't is his want to have a threesome.
He's told me this quite often since we started dating. I made a point of asking him before we got married if I didn't want to do it, would it be a problem for him. He denied that it would and almost got mad that I would think it. We have now been married for 3 1/2 years.
The problem now, though, is that any time we have sex (its been almost 8 months now since the last time) he asks me if I will. He refuses to talk about it at all unless we are probably 10 minutes into sex. He even ordered me once that I had 6 months (until his birthday) to find another girl to bring to him. How degrading! I feel like I can't flat out say no becuase he'll get mad and stop. I've waited 3weeks to 7-8 months, like I'm going to sabatoge it when its finally happening. I think he waits until the middle of sex so that he kind of has me cornered, like he can force me to agree to it. 
I am trying to decide if I should just get up and walk out the next time he does it. If he would let me talk to him about my feelings of threesomes (cheating with the spouse in the room) I would agree to talk about it during sex if that would help him get off, as long as he knows that whatever I say during sex would not happen in real life.
I guess what I'm looking for is first of all, agreement that I am not being a *****, second that my wishes are not out of line and third anyones idea on what I can do that might help/fix the problem.

Thanks!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

All I can say is do not let him coerce you into doing anything you do not want to do.

I read this closer. Dump this @$$hole. Purge your life of him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your husband is an a$$. 

He's trying to manipulate you into something you do not want.

It's a type of abuse.

If I were you I'd leave. The man lied to you about this and now thinks he can make you do it?

There are better men out there the him.

Even no man is better than this.

Don't do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Respect yourself by saying NO. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Words mean nothing, only actions count.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

If you and you alone are not enough for him, it is his problem. Do not compromise on this... your heart and mind and everything is telling you this is wrong, listen to them. If you are not enough for him, he simply doesn't deserve you. I would say this points to a bigger issue in his life, probably an addiction to pornography. But if he doesn't yet see it as an issue of concern in his life it is going to continue to be an area of contention. Confront him and ask if he thinks having a threesome is going to benefit or destroy your marriage? If he truly, reasonably, logically and ethically sees absolutely nothing wrong with it then I feel really bad for you that you are with this man. You are much too valuable to have to put up with this and be degraded in the sense that you are just not enough for him. Somehow, get your husband to recognize this IS wrong... All the best...


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

No offense but that is disgusting behaviour from your husband! If it happened to me in my marriage, it would definitely be a dealbreaker. I don't mind a partner bringing it up once every now and again to talk about and fantasize about or whatever, but if they kept approaching it like your husband is, he would have my size 8 boot kicking him out of our front door. You have already talked to him about it by the sounds of it, so now it is time for consequences.

Actually I had an ex that was like a mild version of that. He knew the very idea was not my piece of cake and I had told him that I found it pretty gross but he was obsessed with it. At first I just put up with it and humoured him, but then it really started to get on my nerves. So then, every single time he brought up the topic (he really wanted us to actually have a 3some) and he was getting all hot and bothered, I would say something that would instantaneously ruin the mood. Like for instance, he was very homophobic about gay males, so I would say it was my turn to talk about something hot and I'd make something up (that was extremely graphic) about a threesome involving 2 males and 1 female having sex, and talking like I found it extremely arousing when the two males got it on. His fantasy was 2 females and 1 male, btw. I thought maybe if he knew I would start fantasizing about this every time he brought up the threesome thing, he would learn not to talk about it. But for some reason he didn't seem to cotton on to this, and he kept going on and on (and on and on) about the damn threesome thing. It ruined the mood every single time but the next day he would start up about it again.

So I got rid of him. And my problems were over.  I pity the next fool that went out with that man.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Looking - do a little reading about the effect of porn on relationships. 3somes are common in porn and men who have a weak phychologicl makeup have a hard time separating the fiction of porn with real life. Your husband seems to be one of the weak minded men who has need adversely affected. 

Women are portrayed as willing to do what ever the man wants for his pleasure, she offers no resistance, demands nothing, and endures any degredatiin so that he gets pleasure. This is what is turning your husband on that is his idea of arrousing sex. He is not making love or connecting with you in a mutually satisfying intimate physical contact, he is getting himself off using you. His idea of sex may be that your job is to be the porn actress and do what ever gives him pleasure. 

You are not setting boundaries - you will have mutually satisfying intimate love making or nothing. If he wants sex with a sexbot you dont do that. You are not telling hom what to do or punishing him you are telling him what you will do and inviting him to join. He is free to do so or find someone else. 

Let him go. Believe me, he will regret it, if he thinks wen will be throwing themselves at him 2 X2 to worship his penis he is in for a rude awakening. He will be lucky to get a woman to have sex with him for more than a month with his attitude. 

For this and all future relationships set firm hard boundaries and mean it. Don't be degraded, after he gets his 3some and you are devastated he will want more and worse. Porn sex is becoming normalized in the minds of men, sensible women make sure that it stays in their heads. 

You don't owe him porn sex you owe each other love, safety, caring, respect, and nurturing. Porn sex has none of that. Woman-up and take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Wow.... I wish I could keep true and tell you what you need to change about yourself to get a different reaction from your partner, because you cant change him, only yourself.

Unfortunately there is nothing to be done. He is narsisistic and a douche.

I have never once given advice telling someone to GTFO, but Im giving it to you now. I truly doubt you will ever see anyy change, and if you stay in the relationship chances are he will eventually wear you away until you give in. Thats right, based on your OP the only way this marriage is going to work is if you are willing to watch/participate while your terrible, asshaty of a husband has sex with another girl.

GET OUT


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

looking4support said:


> He even ordered me once that I had 6 months (until his birthday) to find another girl to bring to him. How degrading! I feel like I can't flat out say no becuase he'll get mad and stop.


Wow. Personally, if it were my H, he wouldn't be getting anymore sex with me until he agreed to STFU about this forever. He doesn't appear to be respecting you at all. I think you should get up and walk out the next time he brings it up, and then let him know that you are not interested EVER in doing it in real life and if he cannot understand that then perhaps your marriage is over. Sorry you are going through this


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## bobdc (Sep 15, 2011)

OP: you are totally reasonable! He should respect your wishes and his bullying you into trying something that does not interest you is is uncool to say the least.

good luck!


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

You are dead nuts right girl ! That is a deal breaker. You are not a b#$%&. You will find no one that will agree with his behavior. Sorry you are in such a situation gurl. Good luck.


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

If my wife wanted another man in our bed, I would say sure and pack up and leave...


LEAVE... its over... he has to strong of a urge...


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Looking - do a little reading about the effect of romance stories on relationships. Perfect emotional connections are common in romance and women who have a weak phychologicl makeup have a hard time separating the fiction of romance with real life. Are you the kind of weak minded woman who has need adversely affected?

Men are portrayed as willing to do and say what ever the woman wants for her emotional fulfillment, despite how difficult it might be in reality for a man to make himself that vulnerable; in romance he is strong but gentle, successful, demands nothing, and endures any degredatiin so that she gets emotional fulfillment. This is what is making you frustrated that is your idea of arrousing sex. You are not being arousing to him or indulging in the mutual exploration of your sexuality, you are expecting him to understand intuitively your unrealistic expectations about the role of deep emotional fulfillment without a deep physical connection using him. Your idea of sex may be that his job is to be the dashing, emotionally expressive, sensitive and vulnerable prince charming and do what ever gives you deep emotional fulfillment, regardless of his own needs or desires. 

He is not setting boundaries - he will have a mutually satisfying exploration of your physical relationship and the depth he feels it would give your relationship or nothing. If you want emotional fulfillment with a mandroid he doesn't do that. He is not telling you what to do or punishing you he is telling you what he would like to explore and inviting you to join. You are free to do so or find someone else. 

He'll probably let you go. Believe me, you might regret it, if you think men will be throwing themselves at you 2 X2 to worship your irresistible looks and fascination with your inner emotional landscape you are in for a rude awakening. You will be lucky to get a man willing to have sex with you for more than a night with your attitude. 

For this and all future relationships (if any) perhaps you both set firm hard boundaries and mean it. Neither one should be degraded, but after you get your sensitive declarations of adoration and he is humiliated you will want more and worse. Romance is becoming normalized in the minds of women, sensible men make sure that it stays in their heads. 

He doesn't owe you regular indulgences in insipid emotional bonding, nor should he feel he has to sacrifice a cherished fantasy because you are uncomfortable with it, you owe each other love, safety, caring, respect, and nurturing. Romance has none of that. He should man-up and take care of himself.





Hmmm. When I put it that way, it kinda makes things look a little different. Doesn't it?


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## sparklepants (Sep 12, 2011)

Yea, it makes you look like an *******.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

IanIronwood:

Did you read her post? Your response has no relation to her problem. She is not asking for more romance; she just refuses to bring another woman into the relationship. How does this humiliate him? He told her he would be OK with this before they got married, but he changed his mind afterward.

If he wants a threesome, he should go find one, but he should not have married a woman who only wants her husband in the bedroom.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

sparklepants said:


> Yea, it makes you look like an *******.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For pointing out the differences and commonalities in the male/female sexual dynamics? Condemning a man for what he wants and then blaming porn is like condemning a woman for what she wants and condemning romance. I thought it was a cogent, valid point which doesn't get made nearly often enough. 

Could it be that women fearing the unreasonable sexual expectations of their men in bed because of the pr0n is an equivalent to men fearing unrealistic emotional expectations due to the scourge of popular romance? And, if so, is there a lesson to be learned here?

One could make the case. And sorry if it makes me look like an ******* for pointing it out. Unpleasant truths are like that.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> IanIronwood:
> 
> Did you read her post? Your response has no relation to her problem. She is not asking for more romance; she just refuses to bring another woman into the relationship. How does this humiliate him? He told her he would be OK with this before they got married, but he changed his mind afterward.
> 
> If he wants a threesome, he should go find one, but he should not have married a woman who only wants her husband in the bedroom.



My response was directed at the idea that PORN was the culprit, yet again. If she doesn't want a threesome, that's fine. She shouldn't have one. If she doesn't want HIM to have a threesome, that's between the two of them. Personally, I have a lovely way for her to end the impasse, but who ever pays attention to me? But to blame his desires as an effect of porn not only misplaces the blame for this conflict elsewhere, it denigrates an important aspect of male sexuality. 

Would you counsel a man to leave a woman if she wanted him to write her a beautiful love sonnet he was uncomfortable with because it was an "unreasonable" request? Would you be willing to consider that such a demand would be unreasonable, or would you give the guy a hard time about it and tell him to suck it up and capitulate for the sake of the marriage and his wife's happiness? Would you be willing to vilify the multi-billion dollar romance industry for raising unrealistic expectations in the minds of women? Expectations that most men have no prayer of reaching?

There has to be some balance to this equation. His request might be kinky and uncomfortable to her -- it might even be a deal-breaker -- but it isn't an illegitimate fantasy. It isn't even uncommon. The fact that he does want to prosecute it she might find disturbing, but when you break it down it's no more disturbing than a woman wanting a sonnet.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Really. I still do not see any relation between your response and her post.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Really. I still do not see any relation between your response and her post.


Sometimes I'm just too meta for my own good.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> He'll probably let you go. Believe me, you might regret it, if you think men will be throwing themselves at you 2 X2 to worship your irresistible looks and fascination with your inner emotional landscape you are in for a rude awakening. You will be lucky to get a man willing to have sex with you for more than a night with your attitude.


I am guessing she will have a hell of a lot more men throwing themselves at her feet because she is a loving and monogomous person rather than a douche who uses threats, and intimidation would trying to bag a babe. 

You rooted for the bully in The Karate Kid, didn't you?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> For pointing out the differences and commonalities in the male/female sexual dynamics? Condemning a man for what he wants and then blaming porn is like condemning a woman for what she wants and condemning romance. I thought it was a cogent, valid point which doesn't get made nearly often enough.
> 
> Could it be that women fearing the unreasonable sexual expectations of their men in bed because of the pr0n is an equivalent to men fearing unrealistic emotional expectations due to the scourge of popular romance? And, if so, is there a lesson to be learned here?
> 
> One could make the case. And sorry if it makes me look like an ******* for pointing it out. Unpleasant truths are like that.


I don't believe that the OP mentioned either porn or romance in her post, so there can't be conclusions drawn on either side of those.

However, the whole thing is about respect - or a distinctive lack thereof. There needs to be respect in a marriage - respect for yourself, respect for your partner, respect for the union itself. And sadly, there seems to be quite a lack of respect in the OP's marriage.

@ OP ~ You need to stand up for your marriage and for yourself and for what you believe. Your husband is treating you selfishly and with a distinct lack of respect. Let him know what your boundaries are regarding the threesomes and the way that he is treating you during sex regarding that. Stand up for yourself.

"_You do not need to be the designated driver of someone's intoxicated ego_." ~ Dodinsky

Best of luck.


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## looking4support (Sep 12, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Are you the kind of weak minded woman who has need adversely affected?
> 
> You are not being arousing to him or indulging in the mutual exploration of your sexuality, you are expecting him to understand intuitively your unrealistic expectations about the role of deep emotional fulfillment without a deep physical connection using him.
> 
> ...


First of all let me say that by the bs that you just pulled out of your a$$, I'm thinking you must have proposed this to a significant other and got shot down. Otherwise why would you come up with such horrible insinuations on my character and looks when all of the things you said about me are not true and, from my post, could not even be created in a normal person's brain. Don't put your pent up anger issues with some other woman on me!

I am sitting in a kiddie pool with a mild dilema and you jump into the deep end of someone else's post. How DARE you start telling me that I will be lucky to ever have a relationship based a porn comment when neither my husband or I watch it. By the way I don't read romance novel's either. I don't care to have my husband come to my rescue in tight leather pants and a half open shirt riding a white steed. I am in my right mind and only expect that my husband love me as I do him. 

I might also let you know that I will do anything for my husband excluding a threesome. That is part of the reason why I don't know why he keeps pushing it. I also like bondage but he won't do that for me. Do I get my feelings hurt becuase he made me "sacrifice a cherished fantasy"? NO. I let it go because I knew he was uncomforitable with it and I love him enough to quit when I am asked to. I might also let you know that I tried to "explore" with him. We went out and found some girls he wanted to ask. When it just got down to the nitty gritty, I couldn't make myself do it. Do I have to sacrifice my morals and religious beliefs for any man, you or him? I think not.

If my standing up to a man about sex has to start with you then bring it on you ignorant, arrogant, full of crap woman hater!issed:

Hmmm. When you put it the way you put it, makes you seem kind of like an a$$hole. Doesn't it...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Glad you came out with both guns blazing, Looking! I could not believe his post.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

looking4support said:


> First of all let me say that by the bs that you just pulled out of your a$$, I'm thinking you must have proposed this to a significant other and got shot down. Otherwise why would you come up with such horrible insinuations on my character and looks when all of the things you said about me are not true and, from my post, could not even be created in a normal person's brain. Don't put your pent up anger issues with some other woman on me!
> 
> I am sitting in a kiddie pool with a mild dilema and you jump into the deep end of someone else's post. How DARE you start telling me that I will be lucky to ever have a relationship based a porn comment when neither my husband or I watch it. By the way I don't read romance novel's either. I don't care to have my husband come to my rescue in tight leather pants and a half open shirt riding a white steed. I am in my right mind and only expect that my husband love me as I do him.
> 
> ...


Where's my standing ovation icon?!?!?! 

:allhail:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You go girl. Everything in my post was directed to your husband who is not expressing male sexuality but selfishness and emotional abuse. 

Men have threesome fantasies and many other fantasies that they don't usually reveal or expect their partner to carry out. That's because the fantasies are not consistent with their real life morality or degrading to women. 

The fantasies are common and normal and just anther expression of male sexuality. Many men are ashamed of these fantasies but, they should not be. Trying to coerce a partner to carry out these fantasies has nothing to do with male sexuality. 

A good man is protective of his wife and he does not put fantasies above the normal male imperative to protect their partner and kids. I admire that natural desire to protect and provide in men, I also admire a mans ability to enjoy his sexuality and to know his body. 

Acting out fantasies that spice things up, is another male quality the I enjoy. I had not had fantasies in the past and if we had to depend on my female sexually alone we would have a mundane sex life 

My husbands fantasies have brought me a great deal of pleasure and excitement. When we act out his fantasies, our combined effort actually makes me feel closer to him. I feel protected by him and safe. I think the sex life we have is the joining of male and female sexuality. 

That to me is what happens when you commit to each other and work as a team. Irons view of sex is a battle between men and women to get sex their way. It is not about getting sex, it's having sex and making love with the person you have chosen.

None of the fantasies he has revealed have been degrading, dangerous or required moral compromises for either of us nor would they bring me shame. I was never coerced. 

That to me is the expression of normal male sexuality. OP you sound as if you would be very happy with a man with normal sexuality. Fantasies that are just for his pleasure are normal, they are his fantasies after all. 

I think Irons view of male sexuality is insulting to men and damaging to put this falseness out there. Men have enough problems with having their sexuality misrepresented as self-centered and pure pleasure seeking for them and even that degrading women does not concern them.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You go girl. Everything in my post was directed to your husband who is not expressing male sexuality but *selfishness and emotional abuse. *
> 
> Men have threesome fantasies and many other fantasies that they don't usually reveal *or expect their partner to carry out.* That's because the fantasies are not consistent with their *real life morality* or degrading to women.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

<<<<<<Sorry a jack coming through>>>>>> 

Just one more thing - Irons post are so negative that they make me feel very fortunate to have a man like my husband. Thank you Iron. Your post make me realize the horrors I could have had if I married the wrong type of man.

Ladies instead of being irate over his post - give your husband something special in the AM out of appreciation for the positive side of his male sexuality. I will  

(I have started to initiate now It feel good and he likes it!!!! 

<<<<<< END>>>>>>


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> <<<<<<Sorry a jack coming through>>>>>>
> 
> Just one more thing - Irons post are so negative that they make me feel very fortunate to have a man like my husband. Thank you Iron. Your post make me realize the horrors I could have had if I married the wrong type of man.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Now, if I can just get someone else to agree!  Where the heck is she....????


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You go girl. Everything in my post was directed to your husband who is not expressing male sexuality but selfishness and emotional abuse.
> 
> Men have threesome fantasies and many other fantasies that they don't usually reveal or expect their partner to carry out. That's because the fantasies are not consistent with their real life morality or degrading to women.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I had a very controlling ex who had no respect for my boundaries. Even if I said I wasn't into a certain sexual act, he would keep needling and pressuring me. What this fool didn't realize is the more he badgered me, the less I wanted to accomodate him.


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

stall for a couple months, stack up a little cash, get things organized, maybe half your clothes moved out in advance, clean at least half out the joint account and leave.... nothing wrong with having fantasies, bringing them up every now and then, maybe even an occasional push to see if it could happen, but not constant nagging, threatening and ultimatums


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I think he waits until the middle of sex so that he kind of has me cornered, like he can force me to agree to it.


Wow, the missus and I play this game heaps, and I thought it was just us. Anyways, you just have to be firm with him on this. Stubborness is a good trait in this case.


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