# Borrowing Money



## ali101 (Apr 22, 2016)

A few years ago, we borrowed money from my in-laws in the past to get through a rough spot, it was not much at all and it was promptly repaid. During that time they tried to control almost everything about our lives. We were expected to make constant "command appearances" for dinner, weekends at their house, every single holiday. I could write a novel about how they made our lives miserable (at least from my perspective). My spouse didn't do much to stand up to them and it nearly destroyed our marriage. I absolutely cannot go through that again. So now my spouse wants to borrow money from them again for us to buy a house. We don't need a house right now though it would be nice and a good investment. They want to loan the money. I have tried to express that I don't like this idea and that I can't support it but my spouse thinks that it will be different this time and continues to make plans to borrow the money. I am at a loss about what to do. Our marriage isn't worth the money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, you two cannot buy a house without your agreeing the sign the papers. So it seems that your spouse needs to give your point of view much more credit than he/she is.

Was there a written note the last time you two borrowed the money? Would there be a written note if some money is borrowed to buy a house?

Does your spouse ignore you like this with other things?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I loan money to my children. But they are not married. Quite Frankly I can't get a better return on my money and I can charge them much lower interest. Good for them good for me and keeps the profit in the family. But I have seen clingy parents, and a Loan is just an excuse to do what they had wanted to do anyway. Yes write out a promissory note, Inform your insurance company who the lien holder is. Make your payments on time. And a Quick conversation about other expectations would not be out of order before signing.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Tell your husband they can give you the money but you won't be party to a loan. I have never loaned money to my children, I give it without expectations.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just sit him down and say I don,t want to barrow money from your parents 
. if he balks tell him I won,t sign the papers. 

Stand tall! Make it your hill to die on .


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

ali101 said:


> A few years ago, we borrowed money from my in-laws in the past to get through a rough spot, it was not much at all and it was promptly repaid. During that time they tried to control almost everything about our lives. We were expected to make constant "command appearances" for dinner, weekends at their house, every single holiday. Our marriage isn't worth the money.


My daughter loved that TV show, "The Gilmore Girls." Remember the Golden Rule: "Him What Has The Gold Makes The Rules." And contrary to popular myth, a house is not always a sound investment. The best home tends to be a money pit-IMHO. Look up some of the writings by Dave Ramsey on real estate and finances. And in the mean time I would tell him no. Refuse to sign, it may drive a wedge between you and the in-laws but not one as huge as the one from borrowing money to buy a ouse you may not need at the moment.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My first thought is why you need to borrow money from the in laws instead of going with a conventional mortgage? If you two aren't in a financial healthy position that a lending enterprise won't approve you for a loan borrowing money from someone else may be a terrible idea. You are a couple who has already shown poor financial management habits in the past, you know that borrowing money from the in laws comes with strings, that in its self would be another poor decision. 

When it comes to financial success time and planning are your friend, and most times hard work and sacrifice also. I suggest sitting on your wallets for now, work two jobs if needed and bank some money. Get yourselves a foundation to work from and show your in laws you're not a couple of kids looking for an allowance. Maybe take some money management classes or read some books on the subject. You need to be in a position where borrowed money isn't turning the rest of your life upside down. 

I will add this, and this is something I always have told my kids.....having the same financial goals and habits when in a relationship is just as important as any other thing, it's easy to ignore the differences in the beginning, but over time different financial philosophies will cause an incredible amount of frustration and resentment, often being a cause for divorce. 

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If children can't play nicely they have the ball taken away from them.

Your in laws are childish and you must take their balls from them.

Forbid the loan or you will find you are in their pockets for ever. As they will consider it their house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi OP

Borrowing money is a slippery slope. Sometimes you have to, like getting a car or what not. But there are a lot of hidden costs to house ownership that most don't realize until they have a house. 

Taxes. Repairs. Appliances. Renovations. Furniture. Insurance. Utilities. A new lawn mower. Etc etc. 

On tool of all your other needs like gas, food, car payments. 

Your husband may find that the loan from the parents may take just as long to repay as the mortgage itself. 

Sometimes I wistfully think back about renting. When I did, I didn't need the lawn mower. Or repair the roof. Or replace windows. Or call the HVAC guys in the middle of winter to dole out 5 grand to replace the 20 year old furnace that just died. 

my philosophy is, if I have to borrow money to borrow money, I.e., for a down payment on the mortgage, it's really just a cause for more stress.

The only time I, myself, lend money out is when I'm willing to lose it. I realize that the money is to get them out of a tight spot, but there is a reason they got in that spot on the first place. Thier bills didn't change, but now they will have another bill in paying me back. 

So far, not one person has paid me back. But I expected that, so I don't hold it over their heads like a noose. I knew what I was expecting 



I hope this makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just say NO.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are businesses that exist to loan money to folks who want loans. You both agree that buying a house is a good idea and you both agree that you'll have to borrow money to make that happen. The only dispute is the source of the loan. Doing it on your own will elevate you in the eyes of your wife and your in-laws. Use their money and you will look like a dependent and in her eyes, her parents will have provided her home instead of you. An obvious benefit is the bank won't demand that you do anything but regularly repay the loan with a little interest. Wife's happy, bank's happy, inlaws are happy and you're happy. You might save a few bucks on interest getting bread from her parents rather than a bank but right now, you're throwing every dime of that rent money up a wild hog's behind. Neither of you know what emergency might occur next year or next month that would make your inlaws really need their money. The bank has plenty and they can get more. In a larger sense, I wouldn't be anxious to buy a home with a woman I couldn't work out this very simple disagreement with.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is really just a symptom of a larger problem, and you have to either avoid it at all costs or take it head on.

Assuming your husband wants to borrow and they want to lend...

You need to sit down with them and tell them that you have a problem borrowing money as it makes you feel indebted to them. That you and your husband have been struggling to be independent and self sufficient and when money is borrowed, you feel obligated to them. And as much as you love them, it creates negative feelings when you feel that way, and you don't want to feel that way about them. 

At that point, they either can see how you feel and say that they will make sure that doesn't happen, or they will understand that it's about you two standing on your own two feet. Make it about not wanting to be indebted to them and not about hating them because you are indebted.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If you have to borrow from parents, you aren't prepared for a mortgage and all of the unexpected expenses that come along with it.

Simply tell your wife that you do not want to be beholden to anyone; that you'd rather do it on your own through a bank. If you don't even have 3-5% to put down on an FHA loan with PMI, plus liquid assets for incidentals, you really shouldn't buy.

Instead come up with a goal of saving a certain amount. Your other option could be to find a house with a lease option (lease with option to buy). You can negotiate the terms, lease to purchase, make upgrades/add sweat equity and already have a purchase price and length of time you have to exercise your option to purchase all written into the contract. That's how my ex and I got into our first home. 

We agreed on a price and a time frame (2 years) to close (tho we did need to extend it to 3 years for an additional $1000). In that time we did tons of landscaping and upgrades (new flooring in kitchen, painted exterior, new carpet throughout, etc.) so when time came for the appraisal, we had equity in the house. We also had time to find out the issues with the house and decide if we WANTED the house. It reverts to a basic lease if we didn't buy.


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

I have given family members money in very specific situations but never loaned money to them.

My advice is akin to your feelings, your marriage isn't worth a house or the borrowed money.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Just don't do it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I answered this question directly. I thought of giving my general loaning money advice but the question was whether to borrow. OP has not returned, so I don't mind going to the side about how to loan as opposed to how to borrow. 

If you have a situation where a friend or family member needs to borrow money it is best to give them the dignity of trying to pay you back. Write the loan with generous terms. Don't ask for more interest than you could get with a CD. Never loan money unless you can afford to give it away. Don't borrow to loan. In your mind know that you may never be repaid. Be content with the idea that the relationship is worth more than the money. If you can't do that don't make the loan. 

So giving a relative a mortgage loan would be out of my ability. Loaning for a used car barely possible, and loans for car repairs very doable. My Daughters have always paid me back. My younger brother not so much. Sometimes my Daughter missed 6 months of payments between seasonal work. She is more responsible now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ali101,

There might be another avenue for buying a home if you and your wife decide this is what you want.

Many states have first time home buyer programs. They will give the new home buys something like $10,000 for a down payment and have low interest rate financing available.

Check out what's available where you live. You might beable to get a a place this way. Thus making your spouse's desire to take a loan out from the inlaws go poof.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You should consider putting your foot down here and not barrow the money. If you do you will never escape your in-laws constant meddling in your affairs and marriage any time they want. They'll feel that loaning you the money for a house is justification. I remember the worst thing I every did is barrow 100 bucks from my FIL. He kept bringing it up all the time and I gave is damn money back the next day just to shut him up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's a good idea, when starting out, to take out a loan -even if you don't need one.. and pay it back on time... to build your credit... you can also get "pre-qualified"... the bank telling you what they would be willing to lend for your 1st home ...we did that many many years ago.. Better yet...look into those "1st time Home buyer" programs, they sound really good. 

I am with the others ... if you don't qualify for a mortgage on your own (even a lower cost house)...you shouldn't be buying a house at this time.. it will be inviting more stress/ financial hardship at your door...what if you need a new roof, if the foundation needs work, well / septic issues (if not in the city)...so many things can go wrong once you're in that home.. just adding more to the "In law obligation" factor , you've been there, done that.. don't want to go down that road again.

Do you have any savings? You can keep tract of your credit score at  Credit Karma...it's free. 

Start saving, be mindful of the many ways you can cut costs on the smaller things.. they all add up.. . It will take time and discipline...but someday you'll be able to get into your own home...with no strings to the Inlaws.. something you built together.. on your own.


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