# Anyone ever tried 'nesting' during separation? Good for the kids?



## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Has anyone tried to do nesting? It is when the kids stay in the home while the parents go back and forth from another residence. It is supposed to provide stability for the kids. It has been talked about here and there with both good and bad reviews. I would think it would take a lot of cooperation from both spouses to make it work. But maybe it can be good for the kids? Your thoughts? Experiences?:scratchhead:


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

My wife and I strongly considered it but can't come up with 3 residences.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

We are doing a version of it. H has a cheap place where he rents (not suitable for kids) while we continue our trial separation. We have certain nights that he looks after the kids so I have time out and then every 2nd weekend where he is responsible for them, although I mostly sleep at the family house while he heads back to his rental dive. This works for us as a short term even if it places extra burden on me. Admittedly this was hard work, particularly early on when we were still in heavy conflict. It is working much better now and is more flexible as counselling is helping us with communication. I would suspect this option would only work for a permanent separation as an interim measure while the kids get used to the changes and/or if the partners are both amicable
. 
I know of another separated couple who live very close to each other and share 50/50 care with the kids going between them for half the week each. Again a very amicable couple - this seems to be the key to making "nesting" work.

Another option could be to rent a place that has 2 bedrooms & 2 bathrooms with each of those personal spaces are out of bounds to the other. This could be fraught with issues in the common areas such as the kitchen, but if you are amicable, maybe set some grounds rules (mediation?). You will setting lots of ground rules anyway with the separation.

Hope that gives you a couple of ideas that help save costs. When there are children involved, from day one, its about making this as painless as possible for them and maintaining a workable parenting relationship regardless. This is how I am viewing the majority of the my living arrangement and practical parts of my own separation. 

I would be very interested to know what you decide on.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> We are doing a version of it. H has a cheap place where he rents (not suitable for kids) while we continue our trial separation. We have certain nights that he looks after the kids so I have time out and then every 2nd weekend where he is responsible for them, although I mostly sleep at the family house while he heads back to his rental dive. This works for us as a short term even if it places extra burden on me. Admittedly this was hard work, particularly early on when we were still in heavy conflict. It is working much better now and is more flexible as counselling is helping us with communication. I would suspect this option would only work for a permanent separation as an interim measure while the kids get used to the changes and/or if the partners are both amicable
> .
> I know of another separated couple who live very close to each other and share 50/50 care with the kids going between them for half the week each. Again a very amicable couple - this seems to be the key to making "nesting" work.
> 
> ...


Your third option of getting a two bedroom/two bath is what I have envisioned. He claims that it is a waste of money. My salary alone would be hard to cover it. Here we go as usual never agreeing on anything!! I would even settle for a studio apt. 
As for short term, how short is short term? A few months? a year? I just know that seeing my kids happy in their home with their friends, cousins, etc. today convinces me even more that we need to make this ' nesting' thing work. Money is the issue right now.:scratchhead:


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

> As for short term, how short is short term? A few months? a year?


By short term I would say anything from 3 months to a year. It would depend on your circumstances. It has been our arrangement coming on 6 months now but I can't see it going on too much longer. This gives space and time for the kids to adjust to the separation before they have to deal with a move as well. One child struggles with change, so I have been preparing her for months and months that a move (away from the family home) is on the agenda. Others may think its best to get it all over and done at once. You know your kids, and you know whats best for them.

I don't know of anyone who has done "nesting" as a long term solution. Accommodation, like finances, becomes the individual's responsibility. The argument about finances doesn't add up to me, I always counter with divorce is expensive. Whatever it costs now is just a fraction of what the actual divorce & divving things up will cost.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

I know it wouldn't work for me and my stbx....there would probably be arguments about not cleaning up in the nest home and other administrative arguments.

I think what we are doing is the best solutions for us...we both have our own places very close by (10 mins apart or so), and daughter bounces between the two. Might not work for every child, but she seems to enjoy having her two houses and rooms etc.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

That's basically how my family was the last year or two of the marriage. except instead of weekly it was daily - morning I go to work before anyone else was even awake, at the end of day I picked my son up at daycare and was the parent for the entire remainder of each day as she would either work late or go out after her work was finished. Sometimes she'd come home to get ready for her nightly outing but was unavailable, would get irritated if I bothered her by having supper ready when she was putting on her makeup. I wouldn't have minded her working those hours except her business didn't generate any income for the family it was solely the foundation of her new social life. When it finally did start to generate a little earnings was when she had her ticket to leave.

A nesting arrangement would definitely not have worked for me any longer after our separation.


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input. I see that this 'nesting' thing is more complicated than it looks. Coordinating cleaning, whose staying where when, having get-togethers at the house, etc. is challenging. Much to think about.


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