# GUILT....again!



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Ok, it's go time!
My attorney's office called wanting to talk to me about having paperwork (for court) served to my H......
I've been thru this before....this guilt!!!!!

_He_ refuses counseling
_He_ refuses to talk, return an email (that I laid everything out in - he said he'd respond and that's been three weeks ago)
_He_ refused to move out
_He_ doesn't agree to the agreement my attorney mailed to him...
**GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I think I (and everyone here) has determined he's passive aggressive, and he's being nice now - ya know, the dreaded rollercoaster you stay on going thru this?

Why do _I_ feel guilty when _I'm_ the only one who's tried working at this relationship? _I'm_ the only one talking to anyone? _I'm_ the only one doing ANYTHING??? 

I guess he thinks if he's nice I'll just sit around and struggle?

I need a pep talk....
Please......


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

He doesn't feel guilt because he never felt guilt because he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong. You feel guilt because despite all this you are able to see the good in him. It's the unshakable dilemma of the initiator. Perfectly natural. However, what you are really doing is projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto him. "He's a good person, if only he would..." But the if only assumes that he feels the same way you do, and then acts on it. He's doing neither. So while your feelings are naturally going back and forth, what is he doing? Is he shifting his behavior? Not really. "Being nice" is what he always does. So your ultimate course shouldn't change.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

ManDup said:


> He doesn't feel guilt because he never felt guilt because he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong. You feel guilt because despite all this you are able to see the good in him. It's the unshakable dilemma of the initiator. Perfectly natural. However, what you are really doing is projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto him. "He's a good person, if only he would..." But the if only assumes that he feels the same way you do, and then acts on it. He's doing neither. So while your feelings are naturally going back and forth, what is he doing? Is he shifting his behavior? Not really. "Being nice" is what he always does. So your ultimate course shouldn't change.


*THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!**this is what I need! A swift kick in the behind!*
He's written a couple of letters (AFTER he got the agreement from my attorney) 
_I_ don't like where this is going....
_I_ don't like where we are headed....
_I_ miss you....
You make _me_ feel safe etc etc....
In my email, I basically told him what I needed to hear "What will it take to make this marriage work?"
But has he done anything? No....nothing.


Actions really do speak louder than words.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Hi JAG:
Haven't been on in a long time. Wish things were better for you. You cannot fix things yourself.....you've tried! and tried! If escalating things doesn't make him see what he is losing-----your stuck. Take care of you! Take care of your son! Live. Smile!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

You are 100% right! Action speaks louder than words!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Hi JAG:
> Haven't been on in a long time. Wish things were better for you. You cannot fix things yourself.....you've tried! and tried! If escalating things doesn't make him see what he is losing-----your stuck. Take care of you! Take care of your son! Live. Smile!


Glad to see you back - hope things are good for you!
And thanks for the encouraging words....
I don't know what I'd do without TAM and ppl like you!

Guess I'm calling my attorney's office today....
Wanted to sleep on it and see how I felt this morning


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustaGirl--sorry you find yourself in this position. You are correct--he has to be willing to put forth the same amount of effort you do in order to have a healthy relationship. If he refuses to step up to the plate, you are making the right decision. You may be the one to file, but you wanted your marriage--he is the one who isn't making the effort. How maddening.

And yep--actions over words ALL the time.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> JustaGirl--sorry you find yourself in this position. You are correct--he has to be willing to put forth the same amount of effort you do in order to have a healthy relationship. If he refuses to step up to the plate, you are making the right decision. You may be the one to file, but you wanted your marriage--he is the one who isn't making the effort. How maddening.
> 
> And yep--actions over words ALL the time.


Thanks Jelly - you are a Godsend!

I just want to be happy and I've given this man 20 years of my life - I'm still young and want to be in a healthy relationship!
I have lots of regrets, and I haven't been perfect but I can't ask anymore for change......
It's very maddening! :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your avatar is cracking me up!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Your avatar is cracking me up!


Can you read what's underneath it?? LOL

"I will cut you" LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HAHA! I couldn't make out the wors but wow, that is hilarious :rofl:


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I love the "determined baby" attitude. It would be nice if we all had equal partners who would stand up for us and vice versa, but sometimes like that baby we have to stand up for ourselves.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

That's right!!! I am that dertermined baby! And I WILL CUT YOU! lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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