# I'd like a woman's input



## TK 31 (May 13, 2009)

I've been with my wife since I was seventeen & we're both 31. We currently have 3 kids with 1 on the way in Nov.
For the longest time, she kept saying she was going to leave if I didn't get help. After seeing a psychologist for the past 2 1/2 yrs as well as taking medication since last Aug, I can honestly say I needed help.
But for the past few years I've changed & I believe I have done everything she asks of me. I'm not throwing this in her face, but whenever I say I do anything, she immediately gets defensive. 
My doctors say it turns out that I'm not the only who needed help. We even tried marriage counseling & that doctor said we should separate. 
I feel like there is so much to say, but I don't know how to say it or in what order to say it in. She never takes ownership for anything. There is never, & I honestly mean ever, can admit something is her fault w/o saying, "you could do this or you could do that." I've had to take ownership of my actions over the years & she never owns anything.
This is the 1st time I've been to one of these sights. The reason I decided to try & reach out to ask for other individuals opinions in my situation is b/c my oldest son, 12, was doing his homework & I was going through papers & found a bill that she hadn't paid. Let me say that I've taken over the checkbook b/c she would always pay things late & she knows how important paying this on time is to me. But it seems as if there is something important to me, she automatically ignores it. So b/c I didn't like the way our finances were being managed, I took them over. The reason I said this, is b/c I said, why didn't you pay this, her response, you could of paid it, I told you about it. I honestly was under the impression she was going to take care of this last bill b/c it only comes once a year & we received it a few months back.
I feel like I could go on & on, but what I really what your opinion on as a woman, is how can I file for divorce now?
I feel like if I leave now, I'm a going to be the scum bag of the earth b/c she's pregnant. But we don't have anything in common & I can't talk to her about anything. It doesn't matter what I say or when I say it, she doesn't take ownership for anything & I just don't know what to do anymore. 
My doctor said, I've been trying to talk to her in a way in which he & I would talk to each other & since she hasn't gotten help & won't admit she needs help, she can't understand how to break a situation down & actually go through it to get an idea of what it is exactly she's feeling. But when we do that, she says I'm just trying to turn things around. I damned if I do & damned if I don't.
Please give me your opinion.
TK


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

A marriage breakdown is rarely only one person's fault. It takes two. But if she refuses to take any responsibility for her mistakes then your kinda screwed. Hard to work on a marriage when she doesn't seem to have any interest. The fact that she is pregnant does complicate things. You might want to stay until she has the baby. When the baby is born her perspective might change. Maybe some of her poor attitude is pregnancy hormones? Don't know. I've never been pregnant. Have no desire to have kids. Hang in there. Really work on bettering yourself. Maybe she'll notice the changes and change along with you. Maybe not. I guess time will tell. Sorry I couldn't have been more help. :scratchhead


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## Freckles (May 14, 2009)

Well, honestly it seems like you guys are in trouble. But do you really want to leave or are you just frustrated. I know it's hard when someone wont admit when they are wrong, but you can't change someone - they need to change themselves. 

It's important to pick your battles. I know finances are important to you - so instead of attacking her for not doing it, maybe you could use another approach. Maybe you could just ask her if she is overwhelmed with the chores and would it be helpful if you took over the bills. She would get the point that you are realizing she isn't doing a good job at it - but she will also see that you are being caring about it and helpful about it - and that she can appreciate.

It seems like you are making changes and she isn't but patience is key. I'm sure she was patiently waiting for you to make changes and it sounds like she might be resentful for all the hard times you've had. Although you are getting help now and making changes now, she may need more time to adapt to it before she feels that things are really changing. She has her guard up and that is natural after going through some tough times. 

You have to remember that woman handle things differently than men. If two guys have a gripe, they argue, throw a few punches and everything is back to normal. Woman keep things bottled up for a long time, trying to work things out slowly and it takes a while for us to trust "change" to let our guard down and be free from the drama that we got so use to knowing.

Don't forget to ask her now and then - how she is feeling. And remember she is pregnant, try to be supportive and helpful - Fill up the tub for her, do a load of laundry for her and don't rub it in - don't look for appreciation - just let her know you want to help her cuz you care and she will see your sincerity. 

Baby steps... it took a long time for things to go bad... it's going to take a while before things get better.

Continue to work on yourself, but have patience when it comes to your wife. If things are tense just try to give yourselves some personal space. Pick your battles, try not to fight! And it wouldn't hurt to try to reconnect. Get a babysitter, get out of the house, go out to dinner - see a movie.

But if you have a baby on the way - I wouldn't run, she didn't do it to herself. You owe it to eachother to wait this out and try again and see what happens. Get the negative thoughts out of your head - it only brings you down. Focus on what could be and that should help brighten your spirits for a while. You need time to get through this!


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