# help me please



## linecon0 (Jun 26, 2012)

Married 20 years, two small boys, 8 and 3, nice house, nice life. Wife tells me this weekend she fell in love a few months ago with somebody else (her cousin) and had sex with him this past spring on a "Girls Vegas Trip"...boy was I a sucker...I remember telling her "have fun! the kids and I will manage to get by without you for the weekend haha!"

Anyway, she dropped this bombshell on me and told me she hasn't been "in love" with me for a long while. I'm so heartbroken about all of this. I can barely get out of bed. I'm having so many mixed emotions about all of it. I'm completely devastated and hurt beyond words. I think basically, she is just very very "needy" and high maintenance-she's said as much to me and she is always wanting to chase that falling in love feeling...she's not much for the day to day aspect of marriage and life in general I think.

We plan to see a divorce mediator today since we see that is much cheaper than lawyers and we're trying to both be very amicable about everything. She comes from money. She stands to inherit a large sum from her grandmother and her parents have a lot of money too.

She doesn't want any of my 401k, no spousal support, and she wants to see about lowering any child support payments I may have to pay. She says this is because of the hurt she's caused me and the family and also because soon she won't need the money like I will need it.
Our basic plan is to sell our house, use the profits to pay off any debt we may have, and for me to get a smaller, more affordable house for the boys to have a home, not an apartment. A place to put their bikes and toys and so things are not so much a shock for them. My wife agrees with this. She plans on just getting an apartment for herself. The boy's college is already paid for so no worries there.

Anyway, that's my story. I'm a statistic. I would've never thought in a million years this would've happened to me. I'm not a huge fan of change. I love my kids more than anything on this planet.


I'm an emotional wreck. BTW, I turn 40 this year also. 2012 sucks.


----------



## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better about this, but those words don't exist. I went through (and am still going through) a situation very similar to your own, even down to our ages. This has been the single most difficult situation I've ever had, bar none. Steel yourself, my friend... In cauda venenum.

My advice supply is low, but here is what I've learned:

Stay calm, if you can. I know this will seem impossible, but you have to try to find the iron in your soul, if only for your own sanity. Do not beg, plead, or negotiate. Listen more than you talk. Do nothing rashly or out of anger, even if you are filled with rage. You are the captain of the ship now, and only you can keep it off the rocks.


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

line,

a lot of us have been thru similar situation on here. Best thing to do for yourself is the 180 and focus on YOU. If need be get in therapy and go to the Dr. for medication for anxiety/depression. Get something to help you sleep, start working out. We all feel your pain here, but in time it gets better I promise.


----------



## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> line,
> 
> a lot of us have been thru similar situation on here. Best thing to do for yourself is the 180 and focus on YOU. If need be get in therapy and go to the Dr. for medication for anxiety/depression. Get something to help you sleep, start working out. We all feel your pain here, but in time it gets better I promise.


:iagree:

Use this site. TAM has helped me more than you could ever know. There are a lot of good people here willing to help. Im sorry you are going through this. Your right, it sucks, but it gets better. Focus on you and make sure you take care of your future during the D. If shes feeling guilty, thats good, a settlement in your favor will make life a whole lot easier in the future after you have moved on. Its not sneaky or vengeful. You didnt do this and you have to take care of you and the kids. Hang in there.


----------



## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

linecon0: I'm new to this forum and know what you're going through.

When my husband said "I'll leave and give you everything", I responded with "Wow, you sound like a man who just wants out." He shook his head "no", but his actions sure don't say that.

I have total sympathy, because I'm right where you are. The only difference is that my husband is active-duty military and we're married almost 20 years. He wants to wait until then to ensure that I get full medical benefits and 1/2 his retirement. (He also will lose his job if people find out we're separated--he's a Chaplain.)

So, like you, I'm stuck in limbo. I know that it's necessary to get EVERYTHING IN WRITING. If she says she wants to lower all those payment and wants no spousal support, write it up and sign in. In the meeting with the mediator, if this subject doesn't come up, bring it up with "Remember, you told me you didn't want spousal support and wanted to reduce the child support payments." She will probably balk and say something like "I never said that"--just be prepared. One rule of the court room (or mediation room) is "once it's out in the open and has been said, it's out there for all to hear." Juries don't forget those things, even if the judge says to strike it from the record. The mediator(s) will have heard this and won't be able to get it out of their heads either.

Just my two cents...


----------

