# Mom/Dad Vs Husband



## USAF (Mar 26, 2009)

We have been married 15 years and I'm tired of fighting for my place in this relationship.

My wife was abused by her parents and when we were dating they found out I was of a different race and they made her life hell for many months. I loved her so I kicked into the protector mode and tried to get her to understand that what they did to her and the way they were acting was wrong, but I'm not sure she understood. When things settled down and i felt good about our situation I asked her to be mine forever. We were married and things seemed great until I was told her mother was coming for a visit...this PISSED me off!! From this point on it seemed as if I was 2nd in this relationship. She would talk to her mom and step dad (both abused her) all the time. She would even tell her mother things that we were discussing. I was so upset. she was going to her parents home to visit and being the husband I am I decided to go with her. I was treated like I didn't exists. Her mom tried to instigate a fight between us so I blew up and told her mom a thing or two and told my wife either she was going to be my wife or she was going to be her daughter and alone. I walked out to the car and started to leave. My wife came running out and jumped in the car. I figured the decision had been made, but that wasn't the case. It was a balancing act. She didn't want to give up trying to rekindle a mother daughter relationship nor did she want to give up on being married. Months went by but she never talked to mother around me. when she was at work she would talk to her. I don't have the power anymore..... I'm so tired of making excuses for her being the way she is. I need all of her but I'm not getting that! This is so messed up...I don't know what to do. I'm tired and I still love her!! I am at the crossroads.....Anybody gone thru something like this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think you're in a hard spot USAF. if your wife breaks ties with her mom, she'll be depressed and bitter at you. but of course things cant continue like this for you. if she doesnt see the problem with her relationship with her mom, and she's not the one that wants to back off, then it seems like a lose/lose at this point. 

To a degree i do know how you feel. My H is so obsessed with his mom. they used to email, she'd call him ten times every day, theyd fight constantly. he'd let her come over whenever she wanted. After i found some mean emails from her about me, i put my foot down on it all. The calls stopped, her email was blocked, and i thought she was out of the picture. But then after he started going to counseling Id ask what they talked about, it was his mom every time! i was left standing there like a deer in the headlights. Not us. He never talked about us. I threw up a white flag at that point. I realized why he never fought with me. why he seemed to be able to forgive me on the spot. And why he always seemed so distant. He's not even emotionally in our relationship. he's still stuck in the past. 

Maybe im naive and i dont realize how it will affect our relationship in the long run, but for now it doesnt bother me that much. i know what it is, and i think as long as he keeps going to counseling, and is willing to work on it, things will improve. but maybe not. its a gamble.


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## USAF (Mar 26, 2009)

What you are feeling is the loyalty in your relationship is being shared with his mother. He is balancing you and mother so that you both are happy. It doesn't work. You will always feel like your getting what's left after he has invested in mom. To know that they are saying negative things about you is a hard pill to swallow. Your always wondering what is being said about you and did they defend you or did they just let it go. I know that feeling.....and they think everything is ok. Don't do what I did and make excuses for them being the way they are because you are short changing yourself. Sit down explain how you feel and how it's affecting the relationship. If this doesn't work then you will have to decide what to do because he is getting what he wants out of the relationship....he's got the relationship with his mom and he has you for the other needs. I know that sounds harsh but that is how it feels after some time dealing with this. Don't do what I did and surrender your emotions/life when you know you deserve more. 
This was very hard to deal with after I returned from Iraq. The expereince changed me. I checked myself everytime I felt like I wasn't happy about something. I didn't want to just say it was her. I went thru alot with this...not knowing if it was me or her. After some time I realized it wasn't me. 
Your right it's a hard place to be, but don't stay too long because resentment will set in. We have been going to counseling for the past couple of months about the relationship and this is the biggest part of the issue. I realized that abused people want acceptance from the abuser, but not like this. I strongly believe that anyone that has been abused and is still trying to gain the acceptance of the abuser needs to deal with that before they pull someone else into their life.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well honestly you should not control who your wife sees in her family. All you need to know is if she is standing her ground in terms of being your wife to her family. If her family doesnt like her married to you, she needs to hold her own. If she comes home all depressed etc and thinks she should divorce you because of your race and because her parents dont like it then its on her.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WIFE.

Look man, I dated and married a woman that came from an abusive family. You cannot fix these people, they need to fix themselves. What you need to do is step back and let your wife take control of her own life. If she can't do that and her parents dictate her then its HER responsibility. 

I know first hand how abuse victims shift responsibility onto others...they'll do it so much that someone like you will finally take on all that responsibility. That is VERY VERY dangerous. 

You are NOT responsible. 
Sit down, and talk about it. If all she does is create blame and then shift blame onto you or her parents then this is your main problem....not her parents.

Start telling her that she has control over her life, control over her actions, and control over the outcome in her life. If that doesnt change anything then get ready to move on....please. This will only get worse.


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## USAF (Mar 26, 2009)

Tim,
I realize what you are saying. I'm not responsible nor do I try to control her....She doesn't blame me for her situation the only thing she seems to blame me for is being upset about the situation because she wants me to just forget the past and let her move forward and rekindle the relationship with her mom and dad. She doesn't understand that her abuse has made her the person she is today...I knew she was abused but I have showered her with love and understanding but I get nothing back. I get what's left. 

I will never take responsibility for what happened to her. 

Your right about what your saying. I have asked her why she this is so important. What I get is that she wants the same relationship she had with her mom and step dad before the abuse started. It's a strong pull and I'm tired of trying to understand it and make excuses for it. We have conseling tonight and that was one of my points to bring up. We will see how it goes.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

> "I knew she was abused but I have showered her with love and understanding but *I get nothing back*. _I get what's left._"


...and nothing you can do will EVER change that.

I know this feeling very very well. You need to learn some self respect. I was like this up until recently...I've been this way my entire life and I have realized that this is how I got in this mess in the first place.

DONT THROW YOUR PEARLS AT SWINE.

No self respecting person should put up with that kind of behavior, so it should be you that should think about leaving. You say she gives nothing back...so that leaves sex right? I bet she is great in bed. Not trying to take a jab at you, I just know she is great in bed. These people are _shallow_ and seek attention and it is hard for us men to see past the intimate sexual part of them. You see potential, and you give and give hoping she'll give back but she will never. If she does it will be strings-attached. You said it yourself...she gives nothing back. It took me a long time to realize this.

My wife is very very similar to yours ok? I've been married 6 years to people like that....think about it this way....i've been married 6 years to YOUR wife. This is very familiar territory and all I can say is she will get worse and you will put up with it and continue giving.

If you are curious about how bad it will get, just read my story in the coping with infidelity forum titled "Wife cheated". http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ated-last-year-twists-turns-no-trust-end.html

Now I'm in the middle of a trial seperation, all because I let her suck me dry emotionally and I finally had nothing left to give.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/4709-thinking-about-divorce.html

When you stop showering her...bad things will happen and its not your fault. 

Never did I think it was going to be like this. Never did she give any indication to me that anything was wrong. I started off the same as you did....with the parents and everything. They hated me too.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

wait I'm sorry, you were married 15 years.
Sorry about that. You are in this longer.

I dont know what you went through already with her, but it doesnt sound hopeless.

Sorry, I do not know your wife better than you. My apologies.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

but there is something wrong with you showering her and not getting anything back. Thats totally on her and if you want to live in that kind of environment thats on you.


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## USAF (Mar 26, 2009)

Tim,
Your right about feeling like you have nothing left to give and that is where I am. She is a sweet caring person but she put more energy in worrying about things and her patients at work that she does in trying to show her love for me. It's like she is living based on fear. What I mean is she worries about everything and anything that will get her in trouble. She will run herself into the ground trying to stay out of trouble...example. She will work thru her break and lunches so she doesn't get in trouble with her supervisor. The problem is she has a gift.....she is very good at what she does...she doesn't have to work so hard. But when it comes to home like I said I get what's left after she has run herself into the ground. She's always concerned about things she has no control over because she is afraid of getting in trouble. It's so bad she had a break down at work because of anxiety. I feel like there is not room for me in there.....I'm not the biggest part of her heart.


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## briannak (Mar 12, 2009)

Im in the same situation your wife is in. When I was little I was sexually abused by my father. Not once, not twice, but daily for years. He drank alot and my mother had know idea. About ten years back he realized how bad he had hurt me and apologized and always does things for me to let me know hes sorry. Our relationship is not the same, and there really is no way to mend it, but I have seen his sacrafices to gain my forgiveness and see the change that there is in him. However, because of the situation, I am paranoid about men and their intentions with children. Before my husband and I got married, I let him know. NO SECRETS right? I regret letting him and really dont feel like i can tell him anything becuase of the way he reacts. Everytime I want to see my parents he fights with me about it, he makes it seem like i have to choose between them and him. I love him alot, but i also love my mom, my sister, brothers, grandparents, and yes despite what my father did, i love him too. I cant get him to go with me. Easter is coming up, and I miss my family, i begged him to go with me and he said he didn't want to be near a petefile. Honestly the way he reacts makes me feel like a victim again. One time I even considered killing myself because of things that he has said regarding that issue. I love him, but even though I know he is just trying to be protective, the way you are to your wife, it actually makes things worse. She will ask for your help when she needs it, but if you never been through it you wont understand, if you love her just try to.


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## USAF (Mar 26, 2009)

briannak,
I wish she had never told me. You want to push a button in a man tell him someone hurt the person he loves. She was sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abused for years, but she seems to have dealt with it better than most. The Protection we men give is extreme especially in cases like my wifes. For me it's like my wife was raped by these people and I can't understand how she could still want a relationship with them. I know it's her family but in my mind it doesn't make sense. Your right we don't understand what you are feeling ....but what we do understand is that it doesn't add up and the way we feel is right but to you it's a stress. That is hard to deal with. We don't want to hurt you....We want to make you happy, but not with the people that have hurt you. I would rather let go and let her life start again with someone else because I won't stop being who I am...her husband. She can be with someone that dosen't know anything about it and she will never have to deal with the protection issue. I can't stop being protective when it comes to them because I know about the gross things they did to her. I know it happened when she was a child but something in my head feels bad because I couldn't protect her. So, I do what I can now. It never leaves you. 
Yeah I know what I need to do.....but it hurts to think about it.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

My opinion is you need a trial seperation USAF. You are co-dependent and until you realize that you are choosing this path you wont divert from it.

This will continue happening. These people are victims but they seek out to remain that way. The seek approval from those that have hurt them as well as those that CAN hurt them. If you understand that, it will start to make sense why she leaves you in the dust...because you actually care and she knows she doesnt need to win your acceptance of her. She takes advantage and for granted of your love...but what she really wants in life is love from her predators. There's nothing you can do about that, its totally in her control and nothing will change because they dont think they are in control at all!


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## USAF (Mar 26, 2009)

We went to counseling and I brought up the issue of her trying to rekindle a relationship with her parents and that it felt like I was an accessory to this relationship. She really didn't understand where I was coming from...then the counselor said EXACTLY what I've been trying to put into words for years. She told my wife that "The place in your life where you are suppose to grow into and become you (the person you are) is filled with the memories of abuse and the loyalty to your mother. You can't grow when these things are in the way." my eyes lit up and she had the look on her face that I have never seen before. We will be going back tonight. 

I can say this....It feels good for someone to put that feeling into words, but I feel it may be too late for us. I want to be a husband not a fall back..or safe place. I love her but I can't be a husband to her if she wants the same people that hurt her and me back in her life.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

USAF I think you are starting to outgrow your 'nice guy' syndrome (co-dependent).
I think you are ripe for change because you are fed up.
Please order this book
"No More Mr. Nice Guy!" No More Mr. Nice Guy
If you remain the nice guy, you'll only attract more women like this. By nature you are a rescuer and you dont even realize it but you also subconsciously pursue women like that. Take repsonsibility for the path you have taken so you wont go down that path again!


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