# How to confront wife and potentially OM regarding infidelity



## Panik_HeavyHeart (12 mo ago)

Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him. 

Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".

She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..

On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.

I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.

I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.

My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse). 

I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Dude, get some respect for yourself. Your wife performed oral sex on another dude and loved it, you think it’s your fault and you don’t hold a grudge against the guy that happily got a BJ from your wife while probably laughing at you. And you just want to forgive and move on? Get ready for a life of sharing your wife with horny dudes if she doesn’t leave you first.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.





Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on.


Jesus dude, you have serious problems but with yourself. How come you can stand there with that knowledge and blaming yourself and absolving the rest of the world. You know that that is a coward's behavior?
You seems to have no boundaries, are a nice domesticated guy afraid of facing reality and what that entails. You need to check your self respect and your dignity. You do what you want is your life,but after being told by your wife that is not in love with you, you are still standing there not even angry at everything you know, and been told. You need at least to show some anger to demonstrate that you are alive, and not just a body walking in this world. 

It's time for you to make a decision and confront your wife and give consequences. No consequences, the less respect you'll get from your wife. As it is, she already demonstrated that she has no respect for you or the relationship, so what are you doing there? You may be responsible for the deterioration of your marriage, but you are not responsible for her cheating. That's all on her. What comes after this is ALL ON YOU.


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## Panik_HeavyHeart (12 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Dude, get some respect for yourself. Your wife performed oral sex on another dude and loved it, you think it’s your fault and you don’t hold a grudge against the guy that happily got a BJ from your wife while probably laughing at you. And you just want to forgive and move on? Get ready for a life of sharing your wife with horny dudes if she doesn’t leave you first.


Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this. 

As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.

Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How on earth were you able to keep your cool after learning your wife had just given a guy you know a BJ? I think that knowing some dude nutted in her mouth a few hours earlier would fill me with rage, yet you say you’re not mad at him? 

If you have been emotionally absent and she was unhappy, she should have divorced you not engage in an affair that she gleefully shares details with her cheerleading friends.

The reason to hold your cards is to do a shock and awe campaign of serving d papers and exposing her affair to family and friends of both parties.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> It's because I still love my wife.


And what you loving your wife has anything to do with your situation? She doesn't love you. And you are just making excuses, and justification to your passive behavior.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

women rate men as Alpha and Beta. you my friend on a new level we call it Feta 
women only respect Alpha men - many Beta men turns to Alpha when they need to. 

she cheated because she knows you will forgive - and you will even help her come up with a reason to cheat. 

what is next, she is ok to cheat becasue
you were sick?
she was sick?
Global warming?
you got drafted to war so you are not available?
you got old?
........
what is the red line ? appears you have none


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
> 
> Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
> 
> ...


Here's a different way to look at things. Your wife is supposedly somehow justified because you were emotionally distant. Just wanting to forgive and move on seems like something only a person who is emotionally checked out could do so easily. I think if you want to save your marriage and be more emotionally invested you should display the emotionally appropriate response to your wife doing what she did, hellfire and brimstone comes to mind as appropriate. 

Confronting and presenting divorce papers I think would be a good start to proving your emotionally invested in the marriage. Being weak and non-confrontational just validates her view that you're checked out and gives her reason to feel OK about stopping by this poor sad guys house for happy time a few times a month.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

"I'm not mad at him."

Oh boy......................


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You probably know only the tip of this iceberg. Go online and check your phone bill. It’ll probably give you a clue as to how long it’s been going on.



Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
> 
> Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
> 
> ...


This is the cheaters script.
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Sorry man but you need to wake up.

The only one that can make you a chump is yourself.


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## Panik_HeavyHeart (12 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Here's a different way to look at things. Your wife is supposedly somehow justified because you were emotionally distant. Just wanting to forgive and move on seems like something only a person who is emotionally checked out could do so easily. I think if you want to save your marriage and be more emotionally invested you should display the emotionally appropriate response to your wife doing what she did, hellfire and brimstone comes to mind as appropriate.
> 
> Confronting and presenting divorce papers I think would be a good start to proving your emotionally invested in the marriage. Being weak and non-confrontational just validates her view that you're checked out and gives her reason to feel OK about stopping by this poor sad guys house for happy time a few times a month.


This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

#1 - You can't forgive and offer reconciliation before you've even discussed this with her. She should only get a CHANCE for reconciliation by showing true remorse (not guilt) for what she did.
#2 - Regardless of the other issues between you, cheating is 100% on her.
#3 - This was not a 'mistake', so don't ever let it be called that. It was conscious decision making and she chose to betray you, told others about it, and said she didn't regret it.
#4 - If you simply say I know what you did and I want to work through it, I'm not mad etc... you will look weak in her eyes, and your situation will be worse.

If you simply try to move forward, it is called a rugsweep. At some point, perhaps years down the road, you'll think about how wrong all this is, and you'll then have to deal with it and likely divorce. DO NOT do that. A rugsweep will waste years of both your lives.

If you truly want to save this (and you shouldn't), your best course of action is take swift action to shock her into having to face losing you or moving on.

I would pack some of her stuff in bags, take it to the OM's house, and tell him he can have her. Send your wife a picture of the bags on his porch and tell her that she is moving to her boyfriend's house.

Do not act weak. Set an example for your kids about how to not accept being treated poorly.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> I want things to be good between us


Without letting you be involved in the decision, you wife put your marriage in about the worst place it could be. It is far, far from good.

True recovery from something like this takes many years and it is a rare spouse that is ready to fully accept responsibility for the damage they caused.

Mind movies will be on repeat, you won't trust where she is going.... there is major damage here.

I know you are in an awful place, but you need to come to terms with the fact that there is a 99% chance your marriage is over.

You should be angry that she did this to you and your family.

Be careful, she may to try re-write the marital history to others and blame all this on you.

The cheaters playbook is a common set of things that people in these situations do... listen to the posters here, their warnings are real, and often correct.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> I want things to be good between us for the kids sake,


This is a sunk cost fallacy that in the end it just so detrimental to you. If for one moment you think that your kids don't sense or perceive, what going on between their parents, then you are sadly mistaken. They don't have to see it for them to know that their parents relationship is a dead one or bad one. Situations like yours is of those where men that have self respect, dignity and are decisive teach their children how a man responds to infidelity. Do you think that later on in life when your children are grown and find that you stayed with a cheating wife that didn't love you, and had not respect for you would say: thank you dad for staying for us. No, quite the contrary, your adult children most likely reaction will be that of losing their respect for you for staying. And that's if they didn't learn that what so far you have done is OK.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I agree with most what has been written.
OP, get some respect for yourself.
Self respect resonates.
Sounds like you have all the evidence you need.
If you want to save your marriage (It's your circus and Monkeys, and you know what you want.) The element of surprise and shock and awe are now your best tools.
Have her served with divorce paperwork quickly and unexpectedly.
At that point, you will know what you have.
If she is truly remorseful and wants to work on your marriage and keep your family intact, she will need to do the work to fix her malfunctions and restore trust.
What she needs to do is on this forum and is repeated 20x a day. Don't have the time to repeat all of it right now.
Get a copy of this book:









How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com





You need to read it and give it to her to read if there is anything to save. It is a good start for the work that will be required.
Just go for the jugular. No point messing around. If her heart isn't into being with you, there is no point going through the pain, drama, and gymnastics. Save all this for you and the kids.
I'm not necessarily saying don't forgive her. That's your decision.
However, determine if there is a basis that merits it, and make her work for it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Also, her friend is a toxic enabler, if she's married, she is also probably a cheater. Regardless, that friend needs to be out of her life 100% if you are to proceed at all.... she is no friend of the marriage.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


I've never personally experienced what you are going through. But being on this forum has taught me a lot. There are probably hundreds of stories like yours on here. If you go through them all I doubt you'll find one where rugsweeping and being nice worked not one. I think you should meet with a lawyer get as much evidence as possible gathered and organized before you confront her tell her she needs to move out while YOU decide what YOU want to do arm her with a list of conditions you will require if you decide to try to work on this but she will be the one who has the work to do. 

And a dose of reality to consider and the main reason you might just want to take the divorce route now. She has told you she doesn't love you. You have not only her own words on this but her actions confirm that one thing she was truthful about was not loving you. Sorry that you're in this position but acceptance of reality is the best place to start.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


you seem remarkably at ease with her giving this guy a BJ. 
and it seems like the you are admitting the sexual attraction between the two of you has died. you do not offer why you think that has happened.
And it took you some time to come around to the idea of confronting her.

So let me read into this a little....are you somewhat OK with her boffing other guys, and you at home having a "normal" but mostly sexless relationship with her? 

If so, it is not an unheard of lifestyle. 

Either way, you should of course talk it over with her. If it bothers you a lot, divorce her. if it bothers you alot but you think you can learn to live with it, pursue reconciliation. If it does not bother you, consider becoming her cuckold.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

When you confront, she may just say she is done... so be prepared for that, I would think its likely not yet time to start talking about reading books together to get passed this, that only comes after she acknowledges the damage, expresses regret, and a desire to save things.

If there isn't a strong desire to put the work in to save it on her side, it is a lost cause.

You have to end the affair first, I'm sure she is enfatuated with this guy. That is why dropping her stuff off to him / confronting him is important... once he realizes that there is a bunch of drama with getting his kicks from her, he will bail on her. And she will be heartbroken that her boyfriend is rejecting her.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I don't t see many, if any, women being sexually attracted to someone with this level of passivity. It may be too late if you have been this docile too long. Seriously, this is an almost pathological level of weakness.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


If you hope to Get her to want to fight for her you, she needs to see a strong response from you. Serving her D papers without warning and exposing her and him to their families on the same day shows strength and that you’re not to be taken for granted. 
when you expose to her family, you tell them how hurt you are and how you really want to save the family, not that your daughter/sister is a whor.. give them the pg details and name the guy and gal she’s bragging to. That way if you do end up divorcing, she can’t try to spin this into you being paranoid and that she started dating OM after you were broken up.

You should Get into her phone, and devices so you can do a deep dive into her text, social media, and email to determine how long this has been going on. The fact that her friend was prodding for the dirty details, means that this has been building for a while.

Please stop blaming yourself. You can take the blame for 50 percent of the marital issues but her affair is on her 100%.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> I don't t see many, if any, women being sexually attracted to someone with this level of passivity. It may be too late if you have been this docile too long. Seriously, this is an almost pathological level of weakness.


that is why i wonder if a cuckold lifestyle might fit his persona?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> I just needed to find the motivation to do it.s the


If another's mans **** in her mouth doesn't motivate you to confront her, then I would suspect whatever advice you get on here won't motivate you either.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> that is why i wonder if a cuckold lifestyle might fit his persona?


Finding oneself in this position, sometimes, motivates a person to, finally, stop acting like a doormat going forward. So much misinformation about acting with self respect constituting " toxic masculinity " etc. A lot of guys are going so overboard on this beta male persona they adopt.
It is possible to be respectful, kind etc without losing your identity. What a low sense of entitlement this guy has. Maybe this will wake him up, hopefully in a different relationship, as who wants to remain with a cheater? He needs to get out, as his wife, regardless of any changes he makes, has imprinted him as a weak man.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Don’t stay married for the kids, they’ll see right through it and know exactly what’s going on. my brother and I did.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
> 
> Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
> 
> ...



She is checked out of the marriage. Sounds like she is complaining to her friends and about anyone who listens about you.

Before I was married, this is how previous girlfriends started on the path of ending things. Rather than just saying I am not happy and want to end it. They play games and cheat..... Your wife is emotionally immature and no longer wants you. 

And seriously, why would you want to talk to the other guy??? If I were in your situation and saw the other guy, I would probably need an xray that day.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


Here is the problem though. The love is one way. Your wife doesn't love you friend. No woman who adored and respected her husband would behave in such a low and disgusting manner. This is the death knell of your marriage, even though you don't realize it now.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

This is a lost cause. OP is better off posting in something like As One After Infidelity. If OP wants to be a doormat, etc., let him. Move on folks. Nothing to see here.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


Listen it's great that you understand how emotionally detaching ruins a marriage but that doesn't give your wife a free pass unless you want to. Please know there are many member who are going to stop by and belittle you for not divorcing her immediately. It is ok to want to reconcile. It is ok to want to improve you marriage. It is ok to see how you contributed to the down fall. 

DON"T however take all the blame here. She cheated. That is lack of character.

When she told you that she felt disconnected. How many years ago was this? What have you done to try to improve connection?

Do you really want to save the marriage or just don't want to split due to the kids?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Before you're so quick to forgive, maybe you should play around with your new found knowledge? How about asking her if she's been cheating on you just to see if she answers you truthfully? If she lies (she will), then unleash hell.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ArthurGPym said:


> Here is the problem though. The love is one way. Your wife doesn't love you friend. No woman who adored and respected her husband would behave in such a low and disgusting manner. This is the death knell of your marriage, even though you don't realize it now.


Doesn't sound like he loves her either. He checked out emotionally a while back. How is that love?
Women fall in and out of love based on emotion for men it's usually sex.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


DEF get to a lawyer, and figure out a plan -- finances, child custody, child support etc..
You will have to use shock and awe here -- she is so complacent that she has "no regrets" and loved it? BS. You need to really shake up her world. She is not and WILL NOT be remorseful. Also her friend(s) that knew about this -- they are NOT friends to the marriage --- they need to go. As in NO CONTACT with them ever again for your wife.
If she's not willing to do that, then she's not willing to keep the marriage and you will be MUCH better off without her.
In addition, if you rugsweep this, your KIDS will see your marriage as how marriage is supposed to be -- REALLY bad example for them.

Also, blow up her world -- do NOT hide the fact that she had an affair with this guy -- and see what you can do to blow up HIS world also. Obviously, no more contact between them either.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

It is usually a waste of time to confront the OM, but if he has already expressed regret it may be worth it. Do not forgive him for heaven sakes. Tell him if he has any morals he will stay away from your wife while you see if your marriage can be saved. Tell him how this could affect your children. Ask him if wants his kids and the community at large to know what he has been doing. Your wife's infidelity is not about you. You did not cause it. It is a shortcoming in her 100%. Where is your anger. Do you actually think she will want to stay with you if you are not willing to forcefully fight for your marriage. If you just forgive everyone and rug sweep this she may stay, but it would only because she finds it convenient to have a stable home while she lives the single life. Do not stay together for the kids. They know when things aren't right. It will not help them. Confront your wife. Stay calm and don't raise your voice. Start by asking her if she has anything to tell you. If she says no ask her directly if something is going on with the OM. If she denies it ask her if giving him a BJ is her way of ending the marriage. Tell her that she is free to live the single life, but not as your wife. Tell her that if she wants to work on the marriage she has to cut all contact with him. If you go the weak path she might stay, but it won't be a real marriage and she will probably leave sooner or later anyway. If you travel the stronger path she might leave right away, but if she stays there will be a chance that you can re-establish a complete loving respectful marriage.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


This seems to be the advice you wanted. Despite that, I advise you to stick with this thread and participate here through the process. You are only at the VERY beginning of this journey....and you'll need an army of people to help guide you.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Doesn't sound like he loves her either. He checked out emotionally a while back. How is that love?
> Women fall in and out of love based on emotion for men it's usually sex.


Very possible.


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## Panik_HeavyHeart (12 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> When she told you that she felt disconnected. How many years ago was this? What have you done to try to improve connection?


It was literally a month ago, everything is fresh in my mind.



Anastasia6 said:


> Doesn't sound like he loves her either. He checked out emotionally a while back. How is that love?


I was going through my own ****. I just didn't realize what it was doing to my wife. This is why I'm blaming myself for that part, but not for her infidelity.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

ArthurGPym said:


> Very possible.


Nonetheless, the premise of his wanting to stay in the marriage is this: 



Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> How could I be ready to just forgive and move on?* It's because I still love my wife.* I still have a hope that we can move past this.


But, as I previously said:



Rob_1 said:


> You need at least to show some anger to demonstrate that you are alive, and not just a body walking in this world.


Which, indicates that this OP has something within himself that is not clicking. He may say that is because of his love for her and his concerns for the children, but he's coming across as someone that is almost just existing, no emotions. Plain rationalizations only. No concerns for what has been done to him (almost as an afterthought) excused as his own failings karma due to him. Who knows, but his posts shows such passivity, that looking at his acceptance of being completely detached and unavailable, might means that he has some sort of personality trait that makes him be that way. I could be illuminating to know how vocal and engaged he has been from the beginning of this relationship.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


Look, it's your life. you have to live with your choices. Your wife chose to treat you like shark sheisse on the bottom of the ocean floor. You want to let her know sheisse floats.

Not going to work, she'll walk all over you as she has.

If you are ready to take your testicles out of her purse, we'll be here to help, in the mean time enjoy the sheisse-show your life is.

Changing it is your choice, not doing so is your choice as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

With evidence and divorce papers.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> With evidence and divorce papers.


I knew I like Gus's posts for a reason.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
> 
> Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
> 
> ...


Did she kiss you when she got home from his house after she sucked him off? If she did, think about that for a moment and how much respect she has for you. She doesn't even regret it. Wait till you confront and she is oh so sorry, you'll know she is more of a liar than she already is. 

I can see it though, you will just roll over and take it like a good doormat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


So your wife went over to another guy’s hone and presumably you allowed this since you said it was “under the guise of”.
You are getting what every man that fails to stand up for reasonable boundaries and provides their partner with a sense of clear consequence for infidelity.
100% guarantee this won’t be the last fine she cheats. You’re actually encouraging it by your incredibly weak, passive behavior.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


Testosterone my man, try it. You'll like it.

Until you pull your testicles out of your wife's purse and grow a spine, I have nothing for you because, though your wife and her boyfriend are being vile, backstabbing cheaters, you are making yourself too attractive a target for it.

She can pretty much do whatever she wants and she apparently knows it being with you.

I'll be forever amazed at men like you, who have their wives disrespecting them, treating them like garbage and rewriting history along with having sex with their boyfriends and not only enjoying it but feeling no regret at all about it and disrespecting you further by talking to her friends about it.

Your children are being given terrible templates that will impact their adult lives by seeing a disrespectful, skank of a mom walking all over their weak, pushover dad.

You might want to try reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" but aside from that, I don't think you have a prayer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mybabysgotit said:


> If another's mans **** in her mouth doesn't motivate you to confront her, then I would suspect whatever advice you get on here won't motivate you either.


Seriously! What the hell is going on???!!! Has some mass chemical castration happened and turned a ton of men into passive lapdogs?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Seriously! What the hell is going on???!!! Has some mass chemical castration happened and turned a ton of men into passive lapdogs?


He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".


There would have been a come to Jesus conversation as soon as she started spouting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bull ****.

There's a nice big divorcee club she would be qualified for if she didn't rectify that nonsense immediately.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> It was literally a month ago, everything is fresh in my mind.
> 
> 
> 
> I was going through my own ****. I just didn't realize what it was doing to my wife. This is why I'm blaming myself for that part, but not for her infidelity.


She said that because she was in emotional affair with this guy (EA). It since upgraded to full physical because she wanted it to.

Can you elaborate / generalize about your issues briefly, was it short / term or long / term.... what was the general nature of the issue?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".


I think he said she felt out of touch / disconnected a month ago.... the BJ was more recent.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".


To be honest, and only because it happened, the moment I had my proof, she went out the door. I know the legal beagles would cry havoc, I don't care. She was out and 20 years later, she tried to talk to me through my sister. My sister asked me if she could have my contact info. "F... No!" That was it!

My lawyer spoke to her lawyer during the divorce and I had to "break in" to my own house once to re-establish residency. I may have had sex with her one last time a day before the divorce "for old time sake", but that was that.

Get a woman who doesn't think it's your turn now, but that you are the one. Would it last, who knows, but literally no other woman has cheated on you. That makes them better than her.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Letting her help out a guy friend post ILYBNILWY was a bad idea.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Dictum Veritas said:


> To be honest, and only because it happened, the moment I had my proof, she went out the door. I know the legal beagles would cry havoc, I don't care. She was out and 20 years later, she tried to talk to me through my sister. My sister asked me if she could have my contact info. "F... No!" That was it!
> 
> My lawyer spoke to her lawyer during the divorce and I had to "beak in" to my own house once to re-establish residency. I may have had sex with her one last time a day before the divorce "for old time sake", but that was that.
> 
> Get a woman who doesn't think it's your turn now, but that you are the one. Would it last, who knows, but literally no other woman has cheated on you. That makes them better than her.


I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.

Scorched earth would be the path.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> Finding oneself in this position, sometimes, motivates a person to, finally, stop acting like a doormat going forward. So much misinformation about acting with self respect constituting " toxic masculinity " etc. A lot of guys are going so overboard on this beta male persona they adopt.
> It is possible to be respectful, kind etc without losing your identity. What a low sense of entitlement this guy has. Maybe this will wake him up, hopefully in a different relationship, as who wants to remain with a cheater? He needs to get out, as his wife, regardless of any changes he makes, has imprinted him as a weak man.


i suippose that is possible...being a laid back person, to the point of letting a spouse walk all over them, then one day having taken just one step too far, and finally changing and becoming assertive about it.

Also, if you recognize you lack assertiveness, you can take assertiveness training.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

re16 said:


> I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.
> 
> Scorched earth would be the path.


It's not easy, but very little in life worth it is.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

re16 said:


> I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.
> 
> Scorched earth would be the path.


yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.


Well, hopefully OP takes note and realizes this is truly the only path forward.

Any male that did up reconciling successfully on this board pretty much went ballistic in the beginning...

ETA: the beauty is it starts the road to recovery regardless of staying together or not


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.


I was a ***** before this happened to me. There is nothing like another man railing your wife to bring the lion to the fore.


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## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

I don’t post much but have lurked here for a long time. The only thing I wanted to mention was how does giving a BJ to some “friend” has anything to do with you being emotionally distant.

You mention she gave you the ILYBNILWY speech about a month before this occurred? I would bet she’s been in an EA or PA for some time.

You can certainly take responsibility for your actions as a husband, but you take 0% of the responsibility for her cheating on you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Panik_HeavyHeart have you seen a counselor for possible depression? Your response is of someone who’s medicated. Not saying that as an insult but just the impression many of us are getting from the details you’ve provided. Also, am I reading it correctly that this BJ incident happened a month ago and you still haven’t confronted?

How did you read your wife enthusiastically tell her friend that she had just given this dude BJ and then see her to come back into the room like nothing happened and you not confront her then and there, is a level of passivity that we rarely see here. And believe me, we get a lot of passive men posting their story here.

I’m going to strongly suggest that you get yourself checked out for low T levels. Having low T, can lead to depression in men, which I think you may be suffering from.

I know some of the post may seem harsh but we really do want to help you. We see so many threads. Many of the stories have similar lies and excuses. If you’re were to read a lot of the threads, you start to see what works and what doesn’t. Consistently we see that passive BHs that allow themselves to remain in a limbo and are waiting for their wife to make the decisions, end up with a WW that will continue to see her OM and that takes her disrespect to new lows. The BHs who boldly do a shock and awe campaign combined with an ice cold 180 end up with wives that are scrambling to save the marriage. Sadly, we get more guys that do the rug sweep with a serving of trying to nice their wife.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You can blow her life up, blow his life up, whatever...All it's going to do is ramp up the drama, delay the inevitable, you will likely get more gory details than what you already know that you now have to process with no positive end result other than potential retribution...Heck, maybe the other guy gets so pissed off over it that he knocks you the hell out, or takes a Louisville slugger to your car.. Then you can escalate it further....and continue the garbage for who knows how long...Plus I wouldn't want my kids to go through all that...But that's me..

There is nothing to really negotiate or think about... You have all you need....in my view....Get your ducks in a row and serve her...Show her your proof and tell her there is no negotiation..Make sure your kids are protected and do not get them in the middle of it....

Whether you like it or not, you won't get her out of your life completely because of the kids...You need to handle this like a Boss and don't show weakness...Whether you decide to create all the drama by blowing everything up is your choice, but it won't come without a lot of stress, yelling and screaming, having to watch your back, and will only delay the inevitable...Personally you will look stronger in the end just swiftly kicking her to the curb and moving on..,But do as you wish...

Hang in there, and take heed of all the good advice already given...


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> You can blow her life up, blow his life up, whatever...All it's going to do is ramp up the drama, with no positive end result other than potential retribution...Heck, maybe the other guy gets so pissed off over it that he knocks you the hell out, or takes a Louisville slugger to your car.. Then you can escalate it further....and continue the garbage for who knows how long...Plus I wouldn't want my kids to go through all that...But that's me..
> 
> There is nothing to really negotiate or think about... You have all you need....in my view....Get your ducks in a row and serve her...Show her your proof and tell her there is no negotiation..Make sure your kids are protected and do not get them in the middle of it....
> 
> ...


Here is another perspective. Maximum drama avoids drama. I went nuclear. I exposed, got her fired, got the AP fired did everything to blow them up. I walked out golden. Why? I hired the best shark lawyer I could get and didn't care about the outcome.

I have to say this, we didn't have kids, that would have changed my mind (a little).

I kept the house (didn't want it because it was tainted, but spite). I kept my money and paid her $ 300 (good riddance money) once off.

It can be done. You don't have to be a nice guy unless it sinks you otherwise.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I'm flabbergasted that anyone would let their partner crap on them like this. Sorry but the confrontation would have happened the moment I saw the bj news. That would be followed closely by divorce papers. I'd be having another confrontation as well......with him!


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## PeteDavis (Feb 10, 2020)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
> 
> Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
> 
> ...


She is in the wrong, even though her girlfriends probably are a bad influence on her? Tell her to leave and think about what she did. Don’t be sorry. Take control and think about what you want.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> You probably know only the tip of this iceberg.


I’m guessing it was more than just the tip.

Reading this I had to wonder if it was a joke, I don’t know how I could stay with a woman after that.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.


OP, Love is NOT enough, it never has been and it never will be.

Hope isn't a plan, it never was and it never will be.

I get it, your reality sucks, but you need to deal with reality and you are not doing that.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP, Love is NOT enough, it never has been and it never will be.
> 
> Hope isn't a plan, it never was and it never will be.
> 
> I get it, your reality sucks, but you need to deal with reality and you are not doing that.


Wish I knew that 20 years ago, this is worth the ink it is penned in.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
> 
> Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
> 
> ...


It is likely the OM is ecstatic about his actions. He pulled one over you and, unless you have proof of him being involved, there is no benefit to confronting him. It could result in a lawsuit from him to you and you could lose that lawsuit. I'd only confront if you're not concerned about jailtime. Then, you do what you need to do. If you confront him, he'll just laugh behind your back. He knows that he hurt you and he doesn't care, regardless of what he might say to you. 

It's just your wife you have to deal with. There, dump her and move on. If she shows contrition, on your terms, then you could consider reconciliation. However, that reconciliation should not happen for a couple of years, as she has to earn her way back into your life.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> It is likely the OM is ecstatic about his actions. He pulled one over you and, unless you have proof of him being involved, there is no benefit to confronting him. It could result in a lawsuit from him to you and you could lose that lawsuit. I'd only confront if you're not concerned about jailtime. Then, you do what you need to do. If you confront him, he'll just laugh behind your back. He knows that he hurt you and he doesn't care, regardless of what he might say to you.
> 
> It's just your wife you have to deal with. There, dump her and move on. If she shows contrition, on your terms, then you could consider reconciliation. However, that reconciliation should not happen for a couple of years, as she has to earn her way back into your life.


I like to stack the garbage on the curb for pickup.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

I would have confronted the wife immediately but I would also contact the OM too. 

Sometimes when the spouse steps out on a marriage they tell their AP they are single and the AP is none the wiser because they don't know the spouse. You can't really blame the AP in those cases because they are in the dark. If the AP does know the spouse then they are just as guilty as the cheating spouse. I don't think I would confront the OM in person to avoid a possible physical confrontation but I would call or email him and tell him what a POS he is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Confront a man because your wife sucked his ****? Well, he can’t even confront the little “lady”. Prolly not gonna confront the dude.
But if this is actual reality, OP needs to ditch the witch. Then think about why it took so long to do so.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

One universal truth is passive men get cheated on, even more then guys who are workaholics or dissent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jsmart said:


> How on earth were you able to keep your cool after learning your wife had just given a guy you know a BJ? I think that knowing some dude nutted in her mouth a few hours earlier would fill me with rage, yet you say you’re not mad at him?
> 
> If you have been emotionally absent and she was unhappy, she should have divorced you not engage in an affair that she gleefully shares details with her cheerleading friends.
> 
> The reason to hold your cards is to do a shock and awe campaign of serving d papers and exposing her affair to family and friends of both parties.


Because he's in shock? Because he blames himself?

@Panik_HeavyHeart You are responsible for yourself and what you did. But your wife's cheating? That is 100% on her. Her cheating is not your fault.

Your wife has told her friends that she is cheating on you. That's something for you to keep in mind.

She had performed a sex act on another man? Then she needs to get an STD test as oral sex can transmit STDs.

Keep posting, we have your back.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

This is nuts.
Dont do this to yourself


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Here's how it's going to go down.

"Dear there's something I need to um.. sss..pp..eaakk to yyouu abbout.."

"What do you want I'm kind of in a hurry here!"

"I know you blew some guy and I forgive you!"

Her: "Was there anything else? I was just leaving the house to go out for a bit..."

Don't be that guy. Find your strength.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Because he's in shock? Because he blames himself?
> 
> @Panik_HeavyHeart You are responsible for yourself and what you did. But your wife's cheating? That is 100% on her. Her cheating is not your fault.
> 
> ...


Who cares if she gets tested. He has to get tested.
She just needs to get gone.

If the OP does choose to reconcile, then she must get tested as one of the couple dozen conditions that should be imposed upon her for her infidelity..


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.


The order of operations: Marriage, affair, confrontation/DDay, separate/divorce, cheater comes to terms with their actions and shows remorse, try for reconciliation.

You went from marriage straight to reconciliation and skipped all the parts in between, and didn’t even let her in on your plan… were you ever planning on telling her you decided to reconcile what she didn’t even know she was in danger of losing? This is so WEIRD. It’s like you’re married to yourself and you just make all the decisions and she’s a passenger. Does she even WANT to reconcile??? Maybe ask her first?

*preferably after you tell her you know she had another man’s wang in her mouth.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Panik

You wrote,

*She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself).* 

Major technique for OMs to get women to fall for them is to try and get sympathy from the woman, generally by telling a large number of lies. Yes there was cheating and OM is going through hard times, but the cheating was likely by the OM he just reversed the story he told to your WW. For the sake of your kids secure your finances now the other thing OMs look for in a woman is money. Speak with his exW you may find out that the OM has had alot of other women and his exW just got sick of HIS serial cheating.

*On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love.* 

The affair was already ongoing then, the "I love you but am not in love with you" is a classic cheater phrase. How does she know she's not in love with you? Because she was already passionately and romantically in love with OM.

There is no friending the OM he attacked you and your children by recklessly risking their family and well being.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.


I think the key is to know what you want before you confront. Know how you want to present what you know, know whether you want space from her or want to end the marriage or go to counseling. Personally, having been through this, you should at a minimum put space between you for some time. You need it and she needs to know you need it. I did this after finding out about my husband's infidelity and it was the best advice I got. It hurt like crazy. I just wanted to see him and shake some f***g answers out of him, but not seeing him during that time is one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It was me saying "You don't get to screw around and have me around, too." It made him think.

Anyway, you don't have to know if you want to salvage the marriage or if you will be able to forgive. All you need to know is what you want to have happen when the conversation is over. Don't talk to her until you know that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> It was literally a month ago, everything is fresh in my mind.
> 
> 
> 
> I was going through my own ****. I just didn't realize what it was doing to my wife. This is why I'm blaming myself for that part, but not for her infidelity.


But how could you NOT be furious every time you look at her mouth and realize another man’s member has recently been in there?
Why wouldn’t that make you furious NOW?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

jsmart said:


> If you hope to Get her to want to fight for her you, she needs to see a strong response from you. Serving her D papers without warning and exposing her and him to their families on the same day shows strength and that you’re not to be taken for granted.
> when you expose to her family, you tell them how hurt you are and how you really want to save the family, not that your daughter/sister is a whor.. give them the pg details and name the guy and gal she’s bragging to. That way if you do end up divorcing, she can’t try to spin this into you being paranoid and that she started dating OM after you were broken up.
> 
> You should Get into her phone, and devices so you can do a deep dive into her text, social media, and email to determine how long this has been going on. The fact that her friend was prodding for the dirty details, means that this has been building for a while.
> ...


What he said x 1000!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Do what you want, but knowing people in my own life, and a lot of what I have read, there is a better chance to get struck by lightning while being attacked by a Great White, then to recover and reconcile from this...Even the one guy I know who is deeply religious. while technically still married to her, admits he's never going to recover and can't even look at her the same ever again...

Forget about the sex for a minute...

When most people decide to cross that bridge, they do it because they frankly no longer value their SO...Its really as simple as that, IME...They are no longer afraid to lose whatever it is they had...If they valued it, they wouldn't risk losing it...They may even like or love certain aspects, but that which makes a relationship more than friends or acquaintances, is for all intents and purposes....gone....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s blowing guys, sexting other guys, bragging to the gals about the details……

OP forgives her and isn’t angry.

What he’s doing to himself now, his future self would want to beat himself with a club for.

poor muffin needs make attention because he’s been “distant”…..

I


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

One man to another OP, I am seriously embarrassed for you. This takes being beta to a whole other level. Seriously, how could you sit on this for a month?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with what all the others have said.

This "woman" has done possibly the worst possible thing a wife could do to her husband. She sucked another man's **** (and I would be wondering why it did not go further actually) and then bragged about loving it to another "woman" and all you can say is that it's probably your fault and that you want to get back with her?!?!?!? after sitting on this for a month?!?!!?? She prepared the ground probably knowing what you are like by saying that she was not in love with you so that if you ever found out you would react in exactly the way you have!!! This would suggest that she has done this before with others and this is one that you just happened to catch.

You seriously need to gather all your info and then as others have said, with a great deal of shock and thunder, hit her with the divorce papers while informing all close family while providing them with the proof you have. 

Now what is the worst thing about your story is that YOU ARE FEELING SORRY FOR THE OTHER PIECE OF SH!T GUY!!!! Instead of pounding him into the ground. And if they both work together then report both to HR!

You really need to grow a pair PDQ for your sake and for the sake of your kids if you have any. This "wife" of yours is vile!


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I seriously doubt it was just a BJ. What is every guy thinking about while receiving one? The main course! BJ is just the appetizer. Hard to imagine this guy going “oh gee golly this was such a mistake! I feel bad! Let me tell this woman in my apartment who is willing to do whatever I want to go home before this goes any further!”.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

jjj858 said:


> I seriously doubt it was just a BJ. What is every guy thinking about while receiving one? The main course! BJ is just the appetizer. Hard to imagine this guy going “oh gee golly this was such a mistake! I feel bad! Let me tell this woman in my apartment who is willing to do whatever I want to go home before this goes any further!”.


If my pants are down, Johnny-one-eye is going IN! There' no way a woman with her lips around it is not getting the full treatment. There is no way this stopped with a BJ. That's a fairy tale in a sewer rat magazine.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


Where there is no respect, commitment, or trust, love doesn’t matter.


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

@Panik_HeavyHeart This is why it's important to have close male friends. They will keep you in touch with your masculinity and will remind you use the pair that you have. The only right thing you have done is not confront.
Here's my advice:

1. Read "180", "No more Mr. Nice Guy", "The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay". These should help you become an improved version of yourself. THIS IS NOT FOR RECONCILIATION.

2. Infidelity is rooted in deception and thus it can never, ever be justified. There is not a single scenario. Realize that this marriage is over.

3. Have some pride. Are you seriously going to use words like understand and forgiveness? The goal isn't to necessarily avenge anyone, but act with complete selfishness in improving your and your children's life. You no longer have a wife. Take all you can.

4. Don't confront just yet. Use this time to gather all the evidence, and start improving yourself quietly by working out, and dressing better, and then go talk to all the best lawyers in your area. You'll pay a consultation fee which isn't too high, but it will mean she can no longer have them as her lawyer due to conflict of interest. Also when confronting, don't be too public about it for your sake since it's a small town. Reveal it to her dad, and a few other key people.

5. Serve her the papers when she least expects them, and find a way to be the best dad you can be and set an example of a father that acts with strength, courage, honor, and integrity. And when you heal a little, find yourself a good woman.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sir, rip the bandaid off and put and end to this charade. Amazon.com

I strongly recommend you consider reading this book. Larry Winget‘s “Grow a Pair”.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree. Zero need to confront anyone here. Massive need for seeing an attorney and delivering papers to the BJ Queen who doesn’t regret it at all (in her words).

I would make it my business for a while to see that she regretted it, if only for reasons unrelated to losing me….

For OP to say he’s not angry at her and not angry with the AP…. Makes me think of the huge tampon shortage at all the stores across the United States for the past few years.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree. Zero need to confront anyone here. Massive need for seeing an attorney and delivering papers to the BJ Queen who doesn’t regret it at all (in her words).
> 
> I would make it my business for a while to see that she regretted it, if only for reasons unrelated to losing me….
> 
> For OP to say he’s not angry at her and not angry with the AP…. Makes me think of the huge tampon shortage at all the stores across the United States for the past few years.


As much as I agree with this, and the required 2x4, I would rather the OP stay around and get the help he needs to make the right decision for HIM. (which is not the way he was generally leaning).

Yes, he absolutely needs to contact an attorney. But he needs to see why this is the only way to go, because he definitely does not see it.

I don't know how to convince him, I only know what I would do. R would not be on the table at all. She could figuratively suck my ****.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It does suck to love someone and have them poop on you. I really believe that there should be a taught and well discussed message to young men that once they receive the ILYBINILWY speech like OP received, no matter which woman gives it (gf or wife), the answer that is given is GTFO.

I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> *I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.*


Possibly, sure....

But I think it's more because they picked the wrong guy in the first place....Instead of selecting based on sexual attraction, they picked the guy based on "niceness", security, stability, her friends weren't trying to steal him, etc...Women are notorious for this...You hear stories about how she meets this guy, they become friends, he orbits her for years, then when her options dwindle, or they guy she is really attracted to drops her on her head, he is the haven in the storm....

They love all the positive attributes mentioned, but he's not getting her panties wet....hence the ILYBNILWY...Think Forrest Gump...lol..


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Possibly, sure....
> 
> But I think it's more because they picked the wrong guy in the first place....Instead of selecting based on sexual attraction, they picked the guy based on "niceness", security, stability, her friends weren't trying to steal him, etc...Women are notorious for this...You hear stories about how she meets this guy, they become friends, he orbits her for years, then when her options dwindle, or they guy she is really attracted to drops her on her head, he is the haven in the storm....
> 
> They love all the positive attributes mentioned, but he's not getting her panties wet....hence the ILYBNILWY...Think Forrest Gump...lol..


I do agree that there are many instances of what you said. But there are also times that there was that initial attraction, but over time they lose it. Sometimes because the husband loses their masculine behavior along the way and turn into a provider without asking for much. In cases where there has been no infidelity and not a lot of resentment, I've seen people get the spark back by changing themselves and becoming closer to who they originally were. 
I've also seen the woman with Narcism or Borderline Personality Disorder that go through phases of worship then devalue.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Davit Bek said:


> I do agree that there are many instances of what you said. But there are also times that there was that initial attraction, but over time they lose it. Sometimes because the husband loses their masculine behavior along the way and turn into a provider without asking for much. In cases where there has been no infidelity and not a lot of resentment, I've seen people get the spark back by changing themselves and becoming closer to who they originally were.
> *I've also seen the woman with Narcism or Borderline Personality Disorder that go through phases of worship then devalue.*


Agreed, and different levels of both mentioned disorders.a lot of people may have mild cases of both, causing similar behaviors.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Davit Bek said:


> I do agree that there are many instances of what you said. But there are also times that there was that initial attraction, but over time they lose it. Sometimes because the husband loses their masculine behavior along the way and turn into a provider without asking for much. In cases where there has been no infidelity and not a lot of resentment, I've seen people get the spark back by changing themselves and becoming closer to who they originally were.
> I've also seen the woman with Narcism or Borderline Personality Disorder that go through phases of worship then devalue.



I won't get into those armchair psych analysis....Its above my pay grade...But I think people that get dumped often throw those terms around to make it "not about them"....There was something wrong with the other person...Women often accuse guys of NPD and all guys that get tossed have BPD women...I just think these conditions are way more rare then people make them out to be....

FWIW, I am pretty picky, but I never lost physical/sexual attraction for someone if it was strong from the start...I mean, sure, if the woman truly let herself go, it would probably go away, but never if things stayed somewhat the same...

I dunno....I find a lot of women select "safe" guys and then get left holding the bag when the thrill of all the attention and material accoutrements and such fades....At the risk of running too far from the original thread,(but this could certainly be the case for the OP in this thread). ill just leave it at that...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I see one of two possible explanations here. 

#1 is either you are one of the weakest, most passive betas that has come here in a long time. 

or

#2 is your wife (STBX?) was right and you two are basically roommates and have reached such a level of disconnect and apathy that you honestly do not actually do not care and to you it's just another chick getting with her boyfriend. 

You need to do some soul-searching on if you truly love her and want to be with her and have an actual marriage or are you just comfortable and have resting inertia of being in the same house being roommates. 

it's a matter of making up your mind if you want to put in the work and effort to work on the marriage or the work and effort to wish each other well and each go on with your own lives. 

As Morgan Freeman says, get busy live'n or get busy die'n.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sir, I may sound like a broken record as I have given this advice repeatedly to other BH’s over the last six years I have been on this thread. WOMEN RESPECT STRENGTH...NOT WEAKNESS. You cannot be meek in situations such as the one you currently find your self in.

You have got to take bold action in the form of letter her know you will not tolerate this ****, you will be be filing for divorce, and you expect her to leave the house NOW!

I will refrain from being over the top with my “BH Yellow Footprint Pep Talk” I have given others so as to avoid being redundant. 

You do not deserve to be subjected to this ****. It is all on her. Nothing you did caused her to go perform fellatio on POSOM.


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I won't get into those armchair psych analysis....Its above my pay grade...But I think people that get dumped often throw those terms around to make it "not about them"....There was something wrong with the other person...Women often accuse guys of NPD and all guys that get tossed have BPD women...I just think these conditions are way more rare then people make them out to be....
> 
> FWIW, I am pretty picky, but I never lost physical/sexual attraction for someone if it was strong from the start...I mean, sure, if the woman truly let herself go, it would probably go away, but never if things stayed somewhat the same...
> 
> I dunno....I find a lot of women select "safe" guys and then get left holding the bag when the thrill of all the attention and material accoutrements and such fades....At the risk of running too far from the original thread,(but this could certainly be the case for the OP in this thread). ill just leave it at that...


I see what you're saying and I do agree that those terms do get used loosely. There is certainly a lot of value in self-reflection after a breakup regardless of who's fault one thinks it is, as usually both take a share of the blame. And I understand if someone has had multiple failed relationships, the odds are they have problematic traits. But I have to say personality disorders (like BPD, or NPD) are more common that you think specially if someone has experienced childhood trauma/neglect... and are extremely easy to overlook or have it go undiagnosed, even among those who have worked with say a psychologist. Here is a study that estimated BPD to be 1.6% in the general population and higher in those with childhood trauma. 

Physical attraction even when strong from the start, can ebb and flow and ultimately the thrill and excitement of the first days changes to a different form of love. That doesn't mean that's a relationship that should be ended. Also many of the "safe" guys do hold attractive traits, as success, comfort, and security are attractive to women.

Lastly, I'm sure that the relationships in which affair happens, the betrayed spouse is deserving of some blame for the relationship issues, but they have 0 blame when it comes to the affair itself. 

Ellison WD, Rosenstein LK, Morgan TA, Zimmerman M. Community and Clinical Epidemiology of Borderline Personality Disorder. Psychiatr Clin North Am. 2018 Dec;41(4):561-573.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Davit Bek said:


> Also many of the "safe" guys do hold attractive traits, as success, comfort, and security are attractive to women.


They are only attractive on a lifestyle level....Those guys will almost always get cheated on or dumped eventually...Those are the women giving starfish sex, so they can keep the Land Rover and the shore house....The minute she gets a chance to crack, she'll be swinging from the chandelier with another guy that makes her wet...

Hamadryad TAM forum.2022...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.


it must be a phrase that gets passed around from toxic friend to toxic friend, or pushed in women's magazines.....they all seem to know the words.

as far as the poor OP getting pilloried here for being beta...hey, it is who he is. we all feel sorry for the situation he is in, but a lot of the things suggested here...he is simply not going to be able to do.

If i ever saw a guy who was better set up to become a cuckold....it is the OP. he might enjoy that sort of lifestyle, and get a few more years of marriage out of her before they finally divorce. the story plays like a cuckold story already: _"i read her smart watch about her giving the guy a BJ, and not regretting it. i was jealous, but turned on at the same time....and knowing her girlfriend knew all about it made me more turned on"_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Ask her if she is being honest,she will say yes of course. 
Then tell her you want to see everything on her phone,if she refuses or gives excuses you have your answer.
I hate to say it but she has another man.
Keep up the work with going dark on her,she doesnt like that and there is a reason why.
You are her fallback guy,she is trying to keep you on a leash in case she needs you.
You are the back up plan,dont let yourself be that.
Do whatever you have to so you can see what is on her phone.
She is bullshitting you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> it must be a phrase that gets passed around from toxic friend to toxic friend, or pushed in women's magazines.....they all seem to know the words.
> 
> as far as the poor OP getting pilloried here for being beta...hey, it is who he is. we all feel sorry for the situation he is in, but a lot of the things suggested here...he is simply not going to be able to do.
> 
> If i ever saw a guy who was better set up to become a cuckold....it is the OP. he might enjoy that sort of lifestyle, and get a few more years of marriage out of her before they finally divorce. the story plays like a cuckold story already: _"i read her smart watch about her giving the guy a BJ, and not regretting it. i was jealous, but turned on at the same time....and knowing her girlfriend knew all about it made me more turned on"_


I don't think it will be anything that glamorous or titillating. 

He's already checked out. She's already moving on,, at least emotionally and sexually. 

What I foresee in his demeanor and response is they will both just kind of keep on maintaining the status quo and not rock the boat too much so as not to disturb their quiet and peaceful domestic life. 

They will each pay lip service to "working on it" but each will continue doing their own thing including her banging other dudes and him trying to talk to her about the weather and when her car is due for a an oil change. 

The first few dudes she gets with may not want her full time and so she'll stay in the marital home safe and sound for the time being while she loses weight and updates her wardrobe and gets her financial affairs in order. 

I have the feeling he is much more detached and complacent however and he just kind of keeps on keeping on thinking that they are "working on it" and doesn't really do much of anything in the preparation for what is about to go down. 

In time, whether it be weeks, months or even a year or so, she will find a dude that will take her full time and on a tuesday evening, like any other day, she will hand him a stack of papers and show him which lines to sign and which to initial and let him know that the movers will be there to get her stuff the next day. 

My bet is that this will end with a whimper and not a roar.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> It was literally a month ago, everything is fresh in my mind.
> 
> I was going through my own ****. I just didn't realize what it was doing to my wife. This is why I'm blaming myself for that part, but not for her infidelity.


So... why didn't you leave when you got the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech? Why didn't you consider that was a red flag, that she was giving herself permission to step out? 

Are you hoping that the "fact" that it "stopped" at being "just" a blow job indicates guilt and remorse on her part, a sudden realization that she screwed up, actually does value your marriage, does love you after all?

If so, then go the lie detector route. But before that, decide what you can, and can't, live with. A lot of guys here are telling you you're an emabarssment to the male gender. Yeah, well, you are. But it's up to you to decide your values, your bondaries. Not us. 

Yet... you came here. Why?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> So... why didn't you leave when you got the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech? Why didn't you consider that was a red flag, that she was giving herself permission to step out?


He did not have us to translate cheater speak into a language he understood


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## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> They are only attractive on a lifestyle level....Those guys will almost always get cheated on or dumped eventually...Those are the women giving starfish sex, so they can keep the Land Rover and the shore house....The minute she gets a chance to crack, she'll be swinging from the chandelier with another guy that makes her wet...
> 
> Hamadryad TAM forum.2022...


Again I agree with some of what you said. First, I don't think it's always the lifestyle they are attracted to, rather the competence that allows someone to create that lifestyle. Anyone who's worked out there (including and specially women) knows how hard it is to earn a great living. A competent engineer (even a docile one) has at least his competence going for him.

Where I agree is not that they'll get dumped or cheated but rather that women will feel less attraction and they'll have a marriage that has less or no romance, making them more likely to dump the husband. Some men and women stay together because of their history/children...Whether someone stays or leaves I find has a lot to do with the culture they grew up with and how much they value their history/children vs. their own thrill/sexlife.

Lastly, whether someone cheats is dependent on the person's character which should be immune to changing circumstances. A faithful person isn't only faithful during the good times, as that's no longer faithfulness. It's just an act. While marriage doesn't guarantee romance, it should at least guarantee faithfulness. I wouldn't want someone who acts like a faithful person when everything is right as that is not her true character.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

In the words of Mr. Mercury ... another one bites the dust!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Panik_HeavyHeart ,

I hope you are still here and maybe you could respond.

Do you feel you have any self worth?

Your posts make it seem that you see yourself as far less than your wife.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Panik_HeavyHeart said:


> Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
> 
> As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
> 
> Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).


You say you're ok with the guy, because he said he regretted it???

Dude, I don't even know how to answer that beyond wtf. That's just wrong and calls for ass whipping in any language.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You say you're ok with the guy, because he said he regretted it???
> 
> Dude, I don't even know how to answer that beyond wtf. That's just wrong and calls for ass whipping in any language.


Yeah, he didn't mean to put his **** in her mouth. Must have just accidently found it's way in there, so sorry.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

If your wife cheats you leave her and never look back. You'll bounce back and find a younger, hotter woman who will have some loyalty.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Testosterone my man, try it. You'll like it.
> 
> Until you pull your testicles out of your wife's purse and grow a spine, I have nothing for you because, though your wife and her boyfriend are being vile, backstabbing cheaters, you are making yourself too attractive a target for it.
> 
> ...


Now that great song by Alice Cooper is in my head. Seriously, our troubled guy needs to grow a pair.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

While this may be an unpopular opinion, men and women cannot be friends without things like this happening. It's playing with fire. A woman should not be 'hanging out' with other men without you there for exactly this reason. It also goes both ways. Would your wife appreciate you hanging out with younger beautiful women?


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## Djani1979 (Jan 2, 2022)

Wow! Just wow! WTF man? Realy? What a horror story. I must ask you,why are you so passive?


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

Am I the only one that think the thread look like it was made by someone with a cuckold fantasy


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Killi said:


> Am I the only one that think the thread look like it was made by someone with a cuckold fantasy


One which he ran off to live, and he hasn't been back since.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Panik_HeavyHeart hasn't been back in 15 days. the day he joined. I hope he is going to be OK.


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