# Married 2 years



## Oceanvibes (Feb 8, 2016)

I know this sounds so crazy. We have only been married t
2 years and are both in our early 20s. We have a 6 month old and I am thinking about divorce. Without going into too much background info, high school sweethearts and a surprise pregnancy a year into our marriage. 

I'm currently a nanny and am able to take the baby to work with me, so I work 30 hours a week while he works around 40-60 in a small retail business. 
After we found out I was pregnant, our marriage turned for the worse. He became hard to be around. He was having so many mood swings and fighting with me constantly. Ill just say I spent most of my pregnancy in tears and unhappy. 
After the baby was born, he was having thoughts of divorcing me because he felt like I was being difficult. Really I was very tired, a new mom, and he was never home while I was taking care of the baby all the time. 
For the past 4 months he has become so disrespectful towards me. Telling me to "shut the f up" anytime I would bring up him needing to help with the baby and cleaning the house. It seems like I am always saying something wrong, that anything I say will set him off even if im not being ridiculous in my requests. 
He spends his money carelessly, asking me for money to supplement his weekly pay so he can get by. He pays bills, I pay my share of bills and we split rent. Usually me paying at least $100 more than he does. 
When we fight, he tries to blame his bad actions, lies, and my hurt feelings on me. Telling me to "grow up" "stop acting like a child" and so on. 
On his days off, he sleeps in until 3pm unless I force him to wake up! He says he's tired, but he doesn't realize I get up every night and morning with the baby. Im tired too, but if I say im tired, he tells me he's the one working and i don't need to complain. If he has one day off during the week, I of course want to spend time with him and our child, but he puts himself in a bad mood and tells me to go alone because he doesn't want to be around me. 
Honestly, it really sounds like he isn't happy, and neither am I. When I tell him im feeling lonely and sad, he tells me I need to fix it myself. 

Im honestly at a loss on what to do. Am on being crazy in this or should I try harder to make him happier?!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

*First*, you're not being crazy. Your husband sounds immature, and emotionally/verbally abusive. No wonder you are unhappy.

_When we fight, he tries to blame his bad actions, lies, and my hurt feelings on me._

This is called blameshifting. It's a typical abusive behavior. Your husband doesn't want to take responsibility for his own unhappiness, so he's looking for someone to blame, and you are the most convenient scapegoat.

You can find some ways to deal with blameshifting here, but I would also encourage you to do additional research on your own. How are you reacting when he does this? A change in your reaction may help diffuse the situation, and ultimately lead to a different outcome.

*Second*, you need to understand that his emotions are his responsibility. You can't MAKE him happy. Only he has the choice to be happy or angry, and he is choosing to be unhappy and angry. You can't change that; you can't control his emotions.

Yes, it is likely that he has a lot of stress--but that doesn't excuse his behavior. It doesn't make it OK for him to treat you like this.

The only thing you can control is YOU and how YOU react to this situation. You wrote, _When I tell him im feeling lonely and sad, he tells me I need to fix it myself_. And... he partially right, but not in the way that he thinks. You're lonely and you're sad. Why? Because you're in a toxic relationship where your husband treats you poorly. His behavior is what it is. The chances of him changing--just to make YOU feel better--are slim, because he's made it obvious that he doesn't really give a sh!t about how you feel, or how his behavior is affecting you. 

As I mentioned above regarding the blameshifting, you need to look at yourself critically to see how your behavior may be contributing to the discord in your marriage, and see how you might modify your behavior. This is about making HIM happier, it's about you learning how to be a more emotionally healthy person.

You need to start setting and enforcing boundaries. When he says something disrespectful, you need to call him on it and tell him that it is unacceptable to speak to you in such a way, and if he does it again, you are done with the conversation and leaving the room. AND THEN DO IT. If he yells at you, tell him and do the exact same thing. Teach him what type of treatment you expect, and accept nothing less.

You may see a change in him, you may not.

While you are doing this, you should be also making alternate plans--so you can leave if he doesn't change. If he doesn't change for the better, that means one thing: it will surely get worse, eventually. And you are better off getting out early before it gets to that point.

I'm sorry that you're here, but I'm glad that you are here so that we can offer you support and advice.


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## Oceanvibes (Feb 8, 2016)

When he is blaming me I react with nothing. I just sit and listen. 
He then gets upset that I'm not saying anything which one guess would be telling him I'm sorry and accepting the blame he's putting on me. 
Before I was defending myself, but that didn't end well as he always told me that I was turning everything around onto him to make him look like the bad guy. 
I'm honestly unsure how he wants me to react other than to take responsibility for his bad actions. 

Maybe he is depressed and this is his way of showing it? Whenever I ask him how he feels if he's happy with me, he says yes. But with everything he says and does, I can't imagine him being happy. 

Or maybe we can try couples counseling? 

I just don't know how much longer I can be treated this way and be unhappy with our marriage if he doesn't try and help himself. 

Thanks for your response!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I would suggest marriage counseling and/or individual counseling. He likely won't listen to you, but he might listen to a professional.

If he isn't cooperative with the counseling, make an exit plan and get out. If he's not cooperative with the counseling, he's not going to change.

My guess, considering that he told you that he had thoughts of divorcing you after the baby was born, is that he really wants out, but he feels an obligation to you and (more so) the child. He's miserable (staying in a marriage that he doesn't want) and is taking it out on you, with the subconscious desire that his behavior will drive you away and get you to file, so he doesn't have to be "the bad guy." If this is the case, it would be better for both of you if you were too leave and divorce him. 

I could be wrong, but that's the gut feeling I get when I read your post.

Why did you choose to get married so young? Do you have somewhere to go, a support system, if you leave him?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

First of all you are not crazy. Your H sounds like a douche. 

I think that he did not want to have a child. Being a parent is a lot of responsibilities and he is not ready nor willing to be one. That is why he is unhappy and taking it out on you.

You can ask him to go to counseling but in his frame of mind at this time, he probably would not want to go. 

Can you afford to get a place by yourself?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Clearly he did not want to become a father, and is making efforts to make sure that he isn't. He has zero respect for you, and if you don't divorce him, you will be subjecting your child to living in a home where he is not wanted. 

Do whatever you need to do to get out.


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## moc247 (Feb 8, 2016)

It sounds like it was all to heavy to soon for your hubby I know your both similar ages but I guarantee u that you will have 8years plus mutrity wise over him.
It's not going to get better he seems to be doing it on purpose so u leave and he can say you left me sort of thing ,
My best advice to you would be, if u had a friend or sister in your sitiation what would you be telling them.
You know what you have to do you sound like an amazing woman who deserves a hell of a lot more than what your receiving right now
Good luck for the future sweety xx

Sent from my D6503 using Tapatalk


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## Oceanvibes (Feb 8, 2016)

Thanks all! 
I'm going to have a really big discussion with hi I'm and let him choose. If he wants to put forth the effort, he needs to tell me and we can work together and see what happens from there. 

We got married because we were in love. I'm honestly not sure how much of that was true, we were really young and naiive. 
Honestly i don't make enough to live on my own, and I'd actually have to move states to live with my parents. It wouldn't be a horrible thing, but I'd want to get out on my own as soon as I'd be able to afford it. 

I'm also in agreement that he wasn't ready for a baby, nor marriage, but I don't believe he regrets her in any way. I've actually asked him if he was upset he had a child and he sincerely seems to love her.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Oceanvibes said:


> Thanks all!
> I'm going to have a really big discussion with hi I'm and let him choose. If he wants to put forth the effort, he needs to tell me and we can work together and see what happens from there.
> 
> *We got married because we were in love. I'm honestly not sure how much of that was true, we were really young and naiive.*
> ...


Are you saying you are not sure if you are really in love? 

Figure that out first, because if you aren't, there is nothing to discuss. You need to move on.


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## Oceanvibes (Feb 8, 2016)

Omar174 said:


> Are you saying you are not sure if you are really in love?
> 
> Figure that out first, because if you aren't, there is nothing to discuss. You need to move on.


I really don't know. I love him, but , I'm not sure anymore about being in love with him. I know with the way he treats me I am not attracted to him anymore. Sex has not happened because I reject him. 
But there's also this part of me that can't let him go. That I would feel lost and absolutely horrible leaving him. Sad to see him upset if I leave.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Oceanvibes said:


> I really don't know. I love him, but , I'm not sure anymore about being in love with him. I know with the way he treats me I am not attracted to him anymore. Sex has not happened because I reject him.
> But there's also this part of me that can't let him go. That I would feel lost and absolutely horrible leaving him. Sad to see him upset if I leave.


I know it would be horrible to break up. But eventually you will both move on. 

You can't raise your little one in that environment. She'll grow up thinking that a bad/loveless relationship is normal.

If you have the support system (your parents) I would start seriously consider leaving. Some people don't even that.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Well, talk to him. Be calm. Don't be accusing or putting the blame. You just let him know this is how you see things. Don't use "I feel". I see that you are anxious. I understand that this might be all too much for you. Since, you worried and not happy, you have been showing me a lot of disrespect. 

Use words that show you understand and empathize with his feelings. also, stand up for yourself and let him know you will not be disrespected. State your case clearly.

Let us know what happen and Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oceanvibes said:


> Thanks all!
> I'm going to have a really big discussion with hi I'm and let him choose. If he wants to put forth the effort, he needs to tell me and we can work together and see what happens from there.
> 
> We got married because we were in love. I'm honestly not sure how much of that was true, we were really young and naiive.
> ...


If he loves his child, then why does he not help take care of her? From what you described, it sounds like he has nothing to do with her at all. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. It doesn't sound like you have enough love for him to bother trying to fight all of this.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oceanvibes said:


> Thanks all!
> I'm going to have a really big discussion with hi I'm and let him choose. If he wants to put forth the effort, he needs to tell me and we can work together and see what happens from there.
> 
> We got married because we were in love. I'm honestly not sure how much of that was true, we were really young and naiive.
> ...


This could be a very good thing. Do you have a college degree? It might be a good idea to take advantage of your parents' support so you can go back to school to gain the skills that would allow you to support yourself and your daughter. I know you would like to move out as soon as you could afford it, but it may be better for you (and your daughter) in the long run if you stay with them longer than "only as necessary." Plus, they might LOVE having their grandbaby around all the time, and it could be good for her to be surrounded by people that love her all the time, if her dad's not going to be around as much.



Oceanvibes said:


> I really don't know. I love him, but , I'm not sure anymore about being in love with him. I know with the way he treats me *I am not attracted to him anymore. Sex has not happened because I reject him. *
> But there's also this part of me that can't let him go. That I would feel lost and absolutely horrible leaving him. Sad to see him upset if I leave.


This could also be part of why he's so p!ssy. Men need sex to feel emotionally connected to their wives; women need to feel emotionally connected to their husbands to have sex. It creates a vicious cycle.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> If he loves his child, then why does he not help take care of her? From what you described, it sounds like he has nothing to do with her at all. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. It doesn't sound like you have enough love for him to bother trying to fight all of this.


I agree. He doesn't want to help take care of her. That says a LOT.

My dad wanted children, and he spent every free minute he could with me and my sister. My mom never wanted children, and she spent every free minute she could ignoring us.

Intention and desire comes though in action.


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## Oceanvibes (Feb 8, 2016)

So I brought it up, at first it was going okay. I could see he was irked, but he stuck it out. 
Then I told him I felt he was being disrespectful towards me and someone wouldn't disrespect their wife that they loved. 
He totally tried to turn it around on me telling me I was disrespectful towards him and that I have no proof he was disrespectful to me. 
When I mentioned something supporting myself, he said I would take it the wrong way. 

I eventually just had to walk away because there was no way to actually get a word in after he started telling me I was wrong. 
Not sure where I stand, but I feel pretty defeated. I need to think long and hard on what to do next.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It has been my experience and those of some studies I read, that the 3rd year of marriage is the toughest. The honeymoon is over. Introducing a kid into an already volatile time in the marriage, does not help as some may think. Most divorces occur in the 3rd and 4th year of a marriage if I recall correctly. It is a time when the shine if off the penny. There is something called New Relationship Excitement. It is when you want to be with the other person as much as possible. You will listen to anything he/she says and every word he or she says is golden. You will overlook each other's faults because just being together is enough. Then in a few years, that initial excitement is gone and you are left with reality and find out if you actually chose the right person to marry.

I believe that it only takes someone one time to tell me that they do not like or love me, or treat me that way, and I am out of there. Nothing is going to make someone love and like me again. We have a 50% divorce rate and if there was a proven way to save a marriage, you would think that the divorce rate would be much lower. I wonder how many who advize marriage counselling actually took it themselves? Sometimes it feels like just something to say when you do not know what else to say. I wonder how many who advise it actually took it? It might be helpful if those who recommend it also give their success stories with it. It just seems to be a knee jerk reaction to a marriage going south. If you both love and respect each other and like each other as a person, then counselling may help. I do not know. I have not seen it work with my friends and siblings who took it. It was more of delaying the alternative. Good luck. BTW, sometimes when a spouse is cheating, they start to treat their wives badly. It can also be that your husband feels trapped now that he has a child. It is a big smack of reality and responsibility. It is also a time when some men stop thinking of their wives as lovers and more like just the mother of their child. There are books written about that. Good luck.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> I believe that it only takes someone one time to tell me that they do not like or love me, or treat me that way, and I am out of there. Nothing is going to make someone love and like me again. We have a 50% divorce rate and if there was a proven way to save a marriage, you would think that the divorce rate would be much lower. I wonder how many who advize marriage counselling actually took it themselves? Sometimes it feels like just something to say when you do not know what else to say. I wonder how many who advise it actually took it? It might be helpful if those who recommend it also give their success stories with it. It just seems to be a knee jerk reaction to a marriage going south. If you both love and respect each other and like each other as a person, then counselling may help. I do not know. I have not seen it work with my friends and siblings who took it. It was more of delaying the alternative. Good luck. BTW, sometimes when a spouse is cheating, they start to treat their wives badly. It can also be that your husband feels trapped now that he has a child. It is a big smack of reality and responsibility. It is also a time when some men stop thinking of their wives as lovers and more like just the mother of their child. There are books written about that. Good luck.


The problem with marriage counseling is that by the time most couples start marriage counseling, it's too late--the marriage is already over. If you can get there early enough, it CAN help. My MC told me once--when she and I were doing a one-on-one--that for most couples she saw, one person had usually already checked out completely, and when that's happened, there's almost no saving the marriage, because it's already over. The person who's checked out agrees to counseling because they want to say they did everything they could, or they're looking for a way out (or they want "permission" to leave the relationship), or they don't realize that they've already checked out.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Oceanvibes said:


> So I brought it up, at first it was going okay. I could see he was irked, but he stuck it out.
> Then I told him I felt he was being disrespectful towards me and someone wouldn't disrespect their wife that they loved.
> He totally tried to turn it around on me telling me I was disrespectful towards him and that I have no proof he was disrespectful to me.
> When I mentioned something supporting myself, he said I would take it the wrong way.
> ...


You need to learn how to stand up for yourself more decisively. "I told him I felt he was being disrespectful towards me" should have been "I told him that I will not tolerate being disrespected anymore!"

I agree with the others that your husband was too young/immature to take on this responsibility. In ten years, he may or may not be more responsible and easier to communicate with.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> *You need to learn how to stand up for yourself more decisively. "I told him I felt he was being disrespectful towards me" should have been "I told him that I will not tolerate being disrespected anymore!"*
> 
> I agree with the others that your husband was too young/immature to take on this responsibility. In ten years, he may or may not be more responsible and easier to communicate with.


I agree with this semantics matter a lot. If you say "I feel you're being this" it says "this is my perception" and it gives him a LOT of leeway to say, "you're too sensitive" or "you misunderstand" et all. Using STRONG, DECLARATIVE sentences like, "I will not tolerate being disrespected anymore!" leaves no margin for error or misunderstanding. It shows you as strong, and he can't argue with this. What, is he going to say, "You WILL take my disrespect, and you will like it!" No, he's not, because that means he has to admit that he IS being disrespectful. It shows that you have agency; it shows that YOU are the actor in this situation, and that YOU are telling him what is acceptable, and if he doesn't like it, he can fvck off. And it will make YOU FEEL STRONGER. Be declarative, and take strength in your words.


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