# Am I really this NAIVE? wtf is wrong with me?



## NDhusband61 (Oct 19, 2011)

looooooonnnng story. sorry... a few months i get a phone call from a wife of a co-worker of my wife. She says she saw a message on her husbands phone which read "thinking of you". also the wife saw my wife in his car at lunch. (going for pizza for the group, supposably) I never liked her hanging out with this group of people at work because they are all still into partying, which i am not any longer. I had a feeling something wasn't right for a while. I called my wife immediately and told her to come home from work now i need to talk. She knew right away saying why? did "she" call you? she came home, admitted texting him for months. she denied the "thinking of you message" which she stated was meant for a friend of hers. (whom i found out doesn't even have an AIM account) the wife sent me a print out of text log from back in february which showed my wife texted him 18 times in 1 day. she would text him, while i was driving the car with her and the 2 kids behind me! she even continued aim the guy after the wife confronted her in february to stop! she continued..
She said she talked to him about things i didn't agree with. etc. she totally flipped it around on me.
going back months ago, she came home at 6:00 am saying she fell asleep in a commuter lot on the way home. sooo many things are eating at me.
sorry i am all over the place, but my mind is going crazy.
She will not go see a therapist. she said "I don't do therapy"
our sex life is horrible. we barely say a word to each other. she goes to bed at 8:30 with the kids and doesn't get up until after midnight when i am asleep.. 
one of my friends tells me i need to leave her. the other tells me to try to work it out.
how do you work it out when she won't talk to a therapist.
she is not affectionate at all. i want to be hugged and kissed, etc. i want to laugh with someone. i feel like i have to tip toe on every word i say. i even flipped it on me and tried to be nicer, work out more. try to do more for her. i am trying and she is he same... shut down. depressed? maybe she was just texting him? nothing physical? i dont know. ugggghh Thanks for listening...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sorry dude, You already know the answer. 

Your wife is having an affair. A very serious one.

Thats textbook stuff bro.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like the EA has gone PA. Review the cell phone bills. Ask her for her logins and passwords for email and IM. If she refuses, you may have to put the D option on the table in front of her to wake her up.

Stop being nice. Demand what you want and expect from her. She's playing you for the fool.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

This is a great example on why you don't tell the WW or WH that you're going to contact the OMW or OWH. She responded, " Why? Did OMW call you?"

She was warned by the OM that she was going to call you and that gave your WW and OM to concoct a viable and believeable story. She KNEW that call was coming. Sorry dude, but she's messing around on you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and drop a voice activated recorder hidden under the seat in her car before you confront her. She will likely run out there to call him and you want to know what she says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

A theripest is not even on the table at this point. There is no point if she doesn't come clean and stop all contact with this guy it doesn't matter if she has to quit her job for this to happen.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Also, almostrecovered has a post for newbies on here somewhere. Read it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Time to put the smack down. 

Call the OM's wife if you can/contact her so you guys can compare notes.

Tell your wife that you will absolutely not live in an open marriage where there are third parties. That the affair stops with him completely. If she can't see that through, tell her you will review your options including up to and including filing for divorce. 

You need a hard boundary with consequences. She is in DEEP if this has been going on nearly a year, and the wife called her out on it, and she is texting him in the car sitting next to you and the affair continues.

Get a VAR, get a keylogger. But you already know everything. So this is where you need to man up and tell her it's you or him. There is no grey area, no room for negotiating. That's it. 

Respect yourself cause if you don't, she never will. 

Do not go to MC if she is still having an affair.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Yeah it's looking like a PA.


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## hurthusb (Jul 25, 2011)

Get to a therapist yourself NOW. Talk to the OMW, find out if she has any more evidence. The 180 sounds like the right thing to do. She knows you're on to her, so she's going to go deep underground.

But the fact that she won't try to see a MC means that she really isn't interested in the marriage at all. Whether that is because she's really done, or in the fog, it doesn't matter. You need to turn your mind and keep yourself together. Begging, pleading, negotiating, all of that will just make the hurt and pain last longer.


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## NDhusband61 (Oct 19, 2011)

Thanks all


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She will NEVER stop CHEATING until she thinks she will lose you. 

Period.

Kick her out. Make her earn you back.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

What they said.

It is clear what to me and others here what is going on; she is cheating on you and it has gone way further than just a few texts being exchanged. Since she already believes that she is above going to therapy and is trickle truthing you right now, you have no other recourse than to find out yourself. So get the keylogger on every computer and laptop in the house, stat. Get a VAR and install it under the seat of her car. Dial up the OM's wife and compare notes. I'm pretty sure that there is much more dirt she has than your wife is letting on. Only when you have clear, indisputable evidence should you confront her again, only this time with a 
separation notice. Maybe she'll snap out of the fog after that, maybe she won't. But at least she will know that you are not someone's doormat....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Like Turnera said, if there are no consequences for her actions, she has zero reason to stop what she's doing.

By not setting any boundaries, you have enabled her behavior. You have essentially rewarded her bad behavior.

And no, you are not naive, as you asked in your thread title. You already know the truth, just you want the answer to be different than what it is.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but you are in serious denial. Your wife comes home at 6am and tells you she fell asleep all night in a commuter parking lot?......Oh Please. How could she not laugh out loud when she told you this. She must have been amazed that you would buy into such a ridiculous story.

You know know she is in a serious physical affair. You need to get tested for STD's and see an attorney to understand your various options. Right now she is playing you for a fool and I think you already know this. Good luck.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

All the things said so far. It is definitely PA, and she already checked out of M at this stage. The only good news is OM is married. Unless he is willing to D his W, your W does not have any future with him. It's a deadend street. 

So, the course of action is to find the indisputable evidence to confront her with and force her to own up to her indescretion. This sad battle has just begun on you. I am sorry you are in this mess.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Sounds like the EA has gone PA. Review the cell phone bills. Ask her for her logins and passwords for email and IM. If she refuses, you may have to put the D option on the table in front of her to wake her up.
> 
> Stop being nice. Demand what you want and expect from her. She's playing you for the fool.


Yes. What he said..Sorry man. We all go through denial before we end up here. We want to believe our life partners, despite the evidence!
She will lie to you. Straight to your face.
She will try and make it your fault. It isn't


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ask the other mans wife where he was the night she fell asleep in the commuter lot. 

The advice here will help you tremedously if you let it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is cake eating. Basically using the love you have for her and the family as a tool to manipulate you. You see, you need to understand that she does not need a therapist. She needs a husband with enough self respect to set up boundaries. Of course the very thing she needs to clear the fog, is the hardest for you to give her. Cut her off financially, remove her from accounts and credit cards. Expose to family and friends. File for divorce. Filing for divorce is you setting a boundary. It says that you will not allow 3 people in your marriage. Also you need to understand that the things you are doing now, is what is driving her away. That's right weakness and indecision are not attractive qualities. Begging and pleading will only make her contemptuous of you. And contempt is the one thing a marriage cannot get over. So man up, set limits and risk everything to save your marriage. Or continue in the roll of a cuckold.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have to decide what you will accept. If you're willing to accept being a cuckold, then don't do anything. Your wife will probably go for months, or even years, being content to have sex with other men, but come back home to you and the kids.

If you're not willing to accept being a cuckold, then you have to gather evidence. It's obvious to us that she's cheating, but you're in denial and need ironclad proof. So go with keyloggers on the PCs, a VAR under the seat of her car, and spyware on her phone (if she has a smartphone). The phone spyware can track her movements via GPS. If she doesn't have a GPS-enabled phone, you can put a GPS tracker in her car.

Once you have convinced yourself that she's cheating, then you have to give her an ultimatum. Either she stops cheating, commits to your marriage, and works her butt off to convince you of her sincerity, or she leaves and you divorce her.

As others have said, there is no guarantee that she will recommit to your marriage. But, unfortunately, the only way to win her back is by being willing to let her go. You won't win her back by being nice and attentive. You will win her back by kicking her a$$ back to reality and forcing her to choose between a pretty nice life with you, or sneaking around behind another woman's back with her husband and seeing her kids on the weekends.

Good luck. And I hope you man up and refuse to be cuckolded.


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