# I need help with husband and his mother



## southernpride3241 (Jun 3, 2013)

I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have always had bad communication issues. I have always tried to openly talk about problems in our life and he will never says much. When he does say something that makes me feel like he cares he never follows thru with what he said. Recently his mother moved in with us even after I explained to him that she is a drama queen and has always been fully taken care of by her husband that she willing left because he lost his job. I explained that we would never be able to do anything good enough for her. We just barely get by from paycheck to paycheck. Now that she has moved in she has done exactly what I thought she would do. She want eat anything I cook says it is nasty and even went and got food stamps just so she could buy sodas, chips and cookies. Things I am never able to get for my own son because we don't have the money. When I try to talk to my husband about this he says "what do you want me to do kick my own mother out". I have told him that this is not going to work that she lives like a queen, want get a job ,help with house chores or nothing and my husband and I both work very hard. What do I do now? I consider myself an extremely giving person but I find myself crying a lot now because I can't keep giving when no one cares. I am falling into extreme depression and I can't seem to climb back up. I love my husband and don't want to loose him but I am tired of always being #2. Help


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

First!!! Tell your mother to apply for public housing assistance. Get the application from your state office.
Second: Have those that live in your home do chores. It is essential to keeping a clean home and establishes responsibility and pride. 
Organize a chore chart so that everyone does a house cleaning item for 30 minutes every day (minimum). 
Make menu items for the week with the whole family. Have everyone help prepare, cook and clean up meals. They are more likely to enjoy food they helped prepare. If you don't get help with the meals, that person may prepare their own meal at a DIFFERENT time than you. 
Get a cork board, dry erase board or chalk board where everyone can visibly see the menu, chores and rules of your home. This keeps everyone updated as to what is expected and does not allow people to say: "I didn't know I had to do that."
If you believe your husband has the communication problem...the bigger picture is not there: you BOTH have a communication problem. You must hold each other accountable and remind each other often of your wants and desires. Set timelines for when you want things done, otherwise, they never get done!
I hope these are some openings to helping you change your living situation a little.
Please let me know if this helped 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm going to assume she moved in as she had nowhere else to go.

If the situation is intolerable and if she is retired, then talk to your husband directly and tell him they have to find a retirement place for her. She can visit once a week or so, but this blatant disrespect is not going to be allowed.

A coworker just went through this and she had to put two pieces of paper in front of her husband. One with her name and one with his mom's and said "chose" who stays and who goes.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Regga said:


> First!!! Tell your mother to apply for public housing assistance. Get the application from your state office.
> Second: Have those that live in your home do chores. It is essential to keeping a clean home and establishes responsibility and pride.
> Organize a chore chart so that everyone does a house cleaning item for 30 minutes every day (minimum).
> Make menu items for the week with the whole family. Have everyone help prepare, cook and clean up meals. They are more likely to enjoy food they helped prepare. If you don't get help with the meals, that person may prepare their own meal at a DIFFERENT time than you.
> ...


Regga, this is such a good response, if I had seen it I wouldn't have bothered with mine.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Oh my dear. Let me first begin to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you. Next I would like to tell you one of the earliest lessons I learned in life and that is that two families cannot live under the same roof. It does not matter how much they love and care about one another. Eventually things will get ugly. For you though things got ugly right away. It did not help though that you and your MIL did not have a good relationship to begin with. I know some might hate on me for saying this, but it sounds to me as if he has he head up his mother behind. He needs to get it out and realize that he is a grown man and that she is a grown woman. If he wants to help, then that is fine. However I would sit down and have a long talk with my hubby and tell him that there has to be ground rules put into place while she is living with us. Then sit down with her and go over the rules. Make an agreement out in writing and have her sign it. If she breaks it, then evict her. This may sound harsh, but it is the reality of things. If your hubby does not want to listen to reason, then I would try to suggest a MC to get it worked out. I hope all of this helps you out and good luck to you.


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## southernpride3241 (Jun 3, 2013)

I have taken advice from everyone who replied and put them to use. I sat down with MIL and let her know how she was making me feel and told her from this point forward she could make her own meals if she refused to eat what I could afford but when she run out of food stamp money then I guess she would go hungry. I also let her know that we would no longer supply her cigarettes to smoke. We talked about living arrangements and helping around the house. I told my husband that I sat down and talked to her about all of this because he wouldn't help me fix this problem that I would fix it myself. OKAY this is what happened, She followed the rules for one day then my husband went and bought her cigarettes. Once he did that she felt fully back in control and started her ways all over again. I have now told both of them that I can no longer be in a house like this and gave them both a time limit to move out. Apparently he loves her and just uses me. F-them both my son and I will be fine, actually better without them here. I love myself and will never let anyone treat me bad again.
thanks everyone I guess some things just can't be fixed


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Wow. That's probably a shortened version? Lots of family dynamics going on there.
If you need help for material items (and live in the states) call United Way to link you to local resources. It's 2-1-1 with any phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My suggestion to you was for you to move out, but I see you stated that you can no longer live in that house. So, thats probably what you need to do, is move out. It will be interesting to see if your husband comes after you, begs you come home, or stands up to his mother. Personally I have never really understood why some men can not stand up to their parent(s) its not about disrespect, there is a right way to be able to talk to someone without being mean. I think some people have their priorities mixed up. Once married, your spouse should come first, period.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree with your course of action. It's either her or you but both of you cannot live under the same roof.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I doubt that it will be very long before his mother drives your H up the wall. When you were there at least someone was doing things around the house. It will make your H face reality. Soda, chips, and cookies for dinner every night? Hah. Good job on respecting yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let us know what happens.


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