# Close to divorce



## Tabitha T (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi. I would appreciate any unbiased advice on my situation.

A little background, I have been married for 12 years and have 3children aged 10 and twins of 9. Also something to note is that my mum was diagnosed with cancer nearly 4 years ago and her health has recently gone downhill rapidly.

So here's my story. Just over 4 years ago my husband bumped into an old school girlfriend whilst on a night out. They swapped phone numbers and at first I didn't have an issue with their friendship. Then it seemed that she was everywhere he was, texts were being sent continually, not a day seemed to go by without at least one message arriving, even when she was on holiday abroad. She was telling him everything, including very personal health problems and I was starting to get very concerned. Things came to a head when I saw in a message he called her sweetheart. He said he called everyone that and it meant nothing. All of my jealousy, fears and insecurity came out and I asked him to sever all ties with her. At first he refused saying that there was nothing going on and that I was paranoid but eventually he agreed and sent her an e-mail. Unfortunately she got back in touch after a few months and this time when I found out I said nothing in the hope that he would 'do the right thing' Of course he didn't and he accidently sent texts meant for her to me asking to meet up with him one night. The mother of all rows ensued and I really thought it was the end then. However, I got the promises to change, he would put me first etc etc speech, combined with the fact we had just moved house and couldn't afford to split I agreed to try again. Of course I was let down again when following an illness, which a friend of hers thought my husband needed to know, they resumed texting. When I found out he swore that he'd already knocked it on the head and had stopped the texts but this time I took action and texted her, telling her in no uncertain terms to stay away from my husband or she'd be named in the divorce papers. I got some snotty messages back but no apology. It also became apparent to my husband that once her marriage was threatened she dropped him like a hot brick (although unbelievably she did send him an e-mail wishing him a happy birthday). The one thing I stressed every time was the need for honesty. If he'd have told me that this girl's friend had been in touch and why then it would have been dealt with by both of us and I could have started to rebuild some trust between us. Fast forward to the present. He has a Facebook account and when an ex fiancee (diffferent girl) got in touch he told me. I told him I had no problems providing he was honest with me. Unfortunately, for him, all personal messages go to our family e-mail, which I look after and one message from her contained something which suggested that they had been instant messaging about personal things. I gave him the opportunity to tell me what was going on. He denied everything, then said it was none of my business. Eventually it emerged that she was having issues dealling with her feelings and he told her she needed to sort herself out and would not be her friend any more. All very honourable, but once again in order to spare another woman's feelings he completely ignored mine.

So what do I do? Neither of us can move out as financially we are in no position to sell the house and neither of us can take on the house solely. He wants to stay together, the children are devastated, my mum's dying, it would be so much easier to let him off the hook but my pride won't let me. I feel that he's s**t on me so many times he needs to realise that I'm not a doormat but alternatively do I really want to split up?

Please realise that he's not a bad person. I know that I'm responsible for this mess too. After the twins were born I realise I was suffering from depression and that I gave him little or no affection, I must also add that he does more than his fair share of housework and is the most hands on dad I know. But he just becomes complacent when it comes to me and my feelings.

Well thanks for taking the time to read my saga! I'd love to hear what you think and please be honest.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As I read your post I saw one similarity with your situation and mine (at least 3 years ago). The final decision seems to rest on the financial aspect of the marriage. Neither of you really want to give up what you have. That's were my estranged husband and I were three years ago. Things continued to worsen in our relationship until he moved out last year. Although I was involved in a hobby, I never cheated on him. He on the other hand, was seeing other women, texting them, and doing a lot of partying. Anyway, now we have no marriage, and will probably lose our house and business. We should have sought counseling three years ago. Perhaps counseling is an option for you. Try to get your issues resolved before they get any worse. A marriage can not be successful if its foundation becomes based on financial reasons.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

You said "He wants to stay together, the children are devastated...". How and why are the children involved in your and your husband's issues?


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