# 7 months and its still hell



## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

My husband and I were together for over 6 years, married for almost 2 years.
He never treated me very well...once we were married he was awful. I wanted us to seek help for emotional abuse, he seemed to love making me feel like nothing.
We have a 4 year old son.
Then one night things got really bad at my parents and he hurt our son (he says unintentionally as drunk, but does it matter?'), and we broke up.
Since we broke up its been hell. Hes treated my son and I so terrible.
I tried to make things as easy as possible trying to organise a routine and he had our son every other weekend. He was then going out to the pub (day and night) and leaving our son with his mum and one day i arrived to drop off my son and he was still out from the night before at 10.30am. I stopped the contact and said we needed a court order...3 months on and nothing has happened and he hasn't seen our son. I have suggested mediation through my solicitor to try and sort things out but still waiting for a response. He calls him maybe once every 2 weeks, lasting about 60 seconds.
My husband since we split has slept with a lot of women (including 'friends' of mine) and now he has a girlfriend which i found out about through Facebook.
Does it ever get easier or am I to deal with this forever?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm guessing it will start getting better when you start taking control of the situation. Waiting for him to do anything to make your life better/easier isn't going to accomplish anything. Talk to a lawyer, draw up the required papers, and do what you need to do. 

C
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## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

I live in the Uk and I have to wait until we have been separated for 1 year before I can file for divorce  im counting down the months!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer? Your husband is commuting adultery now. You may be able to file immediately. 

In the meantime, I'd let him do the pick-ups of your son on his weekend. There's no sense you making an effort to drop him off if he's not even interested in spending time with your son. 

C
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## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

I plan to speak to my lawyer tomorrow as he only just posted his 'relationship status' publicly yesterday so surely he cant deny it?
I hope we can fast track the divorce.
Communication has completely stopped between since he was abusing me through text and said 'i hope you die' and i blocked his number.
I don't trust him to be sober with our son and to not just hand him to others so he can go to the pub, that's why i stopped contact wanting something put in place to protect my son.

Also he hasn't seen him at all for 3 months, with no effort to do so.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what do you still need to "sort out"?

C
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## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

Well apparently he does want to see his son...just feels like limbo not knowing whats going on. 
I'm still on good terms with his sister who tells me he talks about taking me to court for a visitation order.
But he's done nothing so far.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he been paying support?

C
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## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

Not really, he pays what he wants when he feels like it.
Eg Should be £150 per month. He will skip a month if he doesnt want to pay and the next month he'll add £50 and pay £200.
But he paid nothing for 2 months in the beginning.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I suspect you'll see a fight on that. And also on custody, if custody drives support payments like it does here in North America.

C
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## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

He definitely doesn't want to pay, but he doesn't want custody either.
I just wish he'd say if he's in or out you know?
No child deserves a half-arsed dad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't need his words. Look at his actions. 

My thinking is he'll want to pay as little as possible, so he'll arrange for someone like his mom to babysit during his share of custody. Wouldn't want to cramp his quality time with his mates, right?

C
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## NicNic (Oct 2, 2014)

I don't want that for my son, hes intelligent enough to recognise that his 'daddy' isn't interested.
I'd rather he just stayed home where he knows he's important.
But I have to try right? 
So when he's older he'll know I tried. 
My husband tells people its my fault he doesn't see him anymore.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Well, this s*cks.
I have also dealt with an ex who isn't much of a father (and I'm being kind). As much as it goes against your nature, you have to handle this on your own. Get custody papers, and support orders. Do they have garnishment in the UK, where the support is taken directly out of his paycheck? I had to go that route with my ex which helps, but doesn't catch all the arrears.

And you're correct about your DS figuring it out the kind of man his father is. Just like yours, my ex will tell people who asks how much he loves his kids, and that he would do anything for them. Anything except support them, visit them or communicate with them. In our case its been a year and the kids have gotten two phone calls. So you can either fret about it or get on with life. You get to be a double parent. You get to provide the structure and security your DS needs. He will see all you have done, but not today. If your H wakes up (or sobers up), hopefully he will come to realize what a fabulous DS he has. But you and your son should not sit around and hope that happens.


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