# Is this normal? What can I do?



## incurableromantic (Jul 30, 2013)

A few days ago, my wife moved out. I came home to find her there, but everything that was in anyway connected to her was gone (including furniture), so this was not a spur of the moment kind of thing. I could tell she had been unhappy recently, but she had just recently changed jobs and I associated it with that, as we had talked a little about the stresses of her new job. She had been asking for some space, and I gave it to her, but I had no idea something this extreme was coming. 
I guess my question is, is such a profound and determinant change normal? I am suggesting we go to counseling, willing to do whatever it takes. I at least want the chance to talk things out. I know that her problem with me is that I am not very outwardly affectionate, and I acknowledge as much. In thinking about it a lot recently, I understand why and am completely ready to be different. The psychology of all of this is a whole different story. The point is I understand it, and want help to better express myself to her.
I know there are no hard and fast answers because every situation is different. Any suggestions on how to get her to come to counseling with me?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You say this has pretty much been a recent thing? Can you look at her phone records? Where is she moving to. Whatever you do do not beg just ask her if she would like to go to mc with you. This is drastic for such a short period that's why I say if you can check phone records. Sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please rule out another man before going to mc with her you want to know what you are up against.


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## incurableromantic (Jul 30, 2013)

Well, the problem of me not being affectionate is one that we have talked about a few times over the years, but at no point was there an indication that this was a walk out kind of thing. 
I'm confident that I would not find anything in the phone records, as its not as if she was leaving or anything. We would both come home from work and stay at home together. If anything, the issue was that we did not do anything. I had been suggesting we do things lately, as I could see the change in her, but she never really wanted to. She turned down invitations to do things, even without me, to stay home.
She moved in with her parents, or at least that is what I was told. I believe it's true - we are both from the same town, and work close by, and her parents also live in town. All I have done thus far is send her an email, saying that I understood what I needed to change and didn't realize until now that I needed help to do that. We're not talking abuse or anything, just that I don't tell her I love her enough, which it's possible to her amounted to about the same thing. She merely responded that she would respond, but needed a few days. So I am just waiting for that response.


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## incurableromantic (Jul 30, 2013)

I guess all I really need to know from her is whether she wishes I was different and just thinks I will never change, or if she doesn't care at all anymore regardless. I thought something like counseling would be a step before this, not something to scramble for once it's too late.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Please investigate if there is another man. Her actions seem to be following the cheaters script.

The ways to go about saving your marriage change drastically if she is indeed cheating on you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Does her parent's house have room for her furniture? Drive by and see if her car is there after work. When did she start this new job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## incurableromantic (Jul 30, 2013)

Really the only furniture was a dresser with clothes in it. Other smaller things down to the finest details are also gone. and there is room at her parents house. 

The job started about 2-3 months ago. It's high profile enough that I know she got a new job. We talk all the time, we weren't to the point where we didn't anymore. We kissed each other goodbye and said I love you to each other the morning she left, so things did not seem that bad.

It seemed to me, and maybe I just imagining it the way I want to, like this is the product of her parents. She would be going back to a house with her mom and stepdad. Her stepdad is a divorcee, and had a very difficult end to his marriage, involving kids - which our situation luckily does not. He has a daughter that is in an abusive relationship in every way but physically. She unfortunately lives far away and they feel powerless to help her despite numerous attempts. I am worried that this situation has been projected onto my wife's unhappiness, and so the most extreme measure was taken rather than an attempt to work it out. This may be way off-base, and I would not suggest it to her, but I can't help but think it. And now she goes back and gets surrounded by this environment.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well you're still in shock so you won't listen to the advice given to you here, but I'll give you some anyway. You'll come back to this page and smile at how wrong you were to blame yourself for your wife's dishonesty.

Your wife is most likely already cheating or about to start. My bet is on her already being involved in an affair. If not, she definitely has viable candidates in her mind that she's thinking of replacing you with. Very few women, if any, leave a non-abusive relationship just because their husband is not 'affectionate' enough. Throw that nonsense out the door and stop finding excuses to make yourself feel guilty.

Now, I know I said you won't take the advice here too seriously just yet, but as a person who has been in your shoes multiple times, I caution you to prepare yourself for some very difficult times. Your level of codependency and guilt is high (based on your posts) and that always makes for a painful recovery. There's hope though. If people like me could survive it, you could too.

There's a list of things you should start considering and doing, but I'll give it a few days before I post them here. You're still in complete shock/denial and need to be more accepting of logic. That will come naturally in a few days.

For now, if you want, try to find out if there's another man. Although it rarely helps, it can serve as a strong 'rock bottom' for the crappy times you will experience during separation. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your wife carries 100% of the responsibility of the act of leaving. Stop blaming yourself and stop telling her what you're ready to do. You're not ready to do anything. Don't commit to what you can't deliver. You still don't know how resentful you're about to become once this whole new reality sinks in. I can tell you right now, you will not be liking your wife much once you realize what she's done.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

There is no woman who would abandon a marriage for the reasons you give. There is a Mr. Wonderful waiting in the wings. Do some investigating and keep us posted.


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## incurableromantic (Jul 30, 2013)

Every bit of advice is helpful. I am strongly considering the counseling, whether or not she is willing to do it. Maybe there are reasons other than those I have stated, but at the very least I know I am not perfect. As with a lot of people here, it seems, I have found it helpful to write out some of my thoughts, as that's the only way to get them out right now. I will probably post them here, if I can bring myself to do it. 
It may sound like the last gasp of a desperate person, but I really have learned a lot about myself and how I got here just writing it all out. I had a bit of an epiphany about the way I viewed her complaints, not just in the sense that I should have done things differently for her, but that I would do them differently from now on, regardless of whether or not it is with her.
As time passes, and my emotions ebb and flow about it, I do have moments of clarity where I am prepared to deal with all possibilities. I absolutely am still just in shock about it, as it was only last Friday.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

any update?


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