# Traditional Marriage?



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

How traditional is your marriage? 

I'm asking this because my post in another thread, got me thinking about how I was raised only to be a wife and mother.
We were discussing what we were taught growing up.

My husband and I have some elements of tradition. However, our marriage is mostly modern.

We share household duties and we agree not to have children. I took his name because I wanted to, not because he pressured me. Although my husband is the main breadwinner, he does not use that as a reason to be controlling. My opinion matters as well. I ask my husband's opinion on important matters and I usually take his advice, because I trust his judgement. He trusts mine as well.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It was interesting to read the responses on the other thread.

The concept of marriage itself is traditional. Being married was never important to me. Being exclusive with the person I loved _was_ important to me and having the honor of sharing our lives with each other.

On the other thread, I wrote that I learned I never wanted to be financially dependent on a man and always wanted to keep my sense of independence, that I'd never be beholden to a man but that doesn't mean I actually _have _been independent in my relationship. I realize it was more about my _attitude_ with certain aspects. My H earns more than I do; and we have at some point or another taken turns in being sole provider of the house-hold. We share everything. Where my attitude kicks in is probably with being hands-on with the financials and making decisions jointly with complete transparency. 

My H taught himself to cook before we met and he thoroughly impressed me with his skills when dating. He enjoys cooking and is amazing at it. I think he also sees this as a way to keep impressing me. It works. I've been learning to cook for my own benefit recently (yes, I know that sounds pitiful at my age), to express my care for him, and to have more variety when I do actually cook for us. It's a new way to impress him in return. 

When we met, he was good at cooking; I was good with finances. I suppose in traditional terms this might be role reversal. We have learned from each other and it's worked for us. We have our divided, shared house-hold responsibilities. I'm submissive in the bedroom but we both initiate. Sometimes I feel like he understood what being in a relationship meant quicker than I did. I always had this slight thought in the back of my mind that I needed to keep a sense of independence. It had nothing to do with him, it was to do with my observations growing up. I failed to realize this mindset actually caused him at times to feel uneasy with me. It's somewhat of a catch-22 though. He is attracted to this part of my personality that can be independent, confident and spontaneous; yet at the same time this can make him feel uneasy as he craves stability and routine. I finally feel as though I'm learning how to find a peaceful balance with this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I grew up never wanting to be married. 

My mom had crappy marriages.

Funny how now, I'm married and it's pretty traditional.

I follow my gramma's guidelines. I guess they work-- She and my gramps were married for 63 years when my grandpa passed.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

My marriage ( or whats left of it) was very traditional. I did all the housework because I didnt want him doing it. When he washes dishes- the water spills all over the floor. When he does the laundry..he puts the detergent on top of the clothes, and not in with the water. I would rather him play with he kids when he gets home from work..then help me maintain the house. 

His paychecks were( and still are) more than enough to cover all of our necessary and added expenses a month. SO it just made sense for me to stay home with the kids, seeing as how we were in the financial position to do so, and we really didnt want anyone else with them. 

If my marriage works..I want to stay home, and not start working until my youngest is in still full time. And even then I only want to work part time, so I can be available for them. But who knows in life..you think you have everyhting figured out, then you get a curve ball.

BTW I wasnt raised in this type of household, my parents owned their own small business and both of them worked 90 hours a week each.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My parents divorced when I was fairly young, didn't come from any traditional upbringing per say. Had the whole step Mom thing going on and not liking it at all during my teen years. 

I have always dreamed of finding that one guy who would be "my everything" -nothing else mattered more to me in this life, I even prayed on my knees for it. Met him at 15. We shared all the same dreams, goals, plans, talked about the # of kids we wanted (originally just 3), a country home in the boonies. We had many many similar interests , we became like "magnet & steel" (loved that song) , and yes, all very traditional.... 

Our plan...We would both work till the babies started coming, that happened pretty quick. I quit at 8 months pregnant. His job didn't pay much at all but both of us being very thrifty , we managed just fine. Never was late on a single bill or our rent, or down the road mortgages. 

He has been the primary Breadwinner ever since. I've had a handful of small jobs over the years, but nothing significant, have always stayed home , with the kids, I never get bored, or feel I am missing out. I have always felt it was a privilege. 

I do all the mundane womanly stuff - which I am a homebuddy type anyway and enjoyed this for the most part. I like to keep a clean house, cooking isn't a passion but you do what you have to do. I enjoy saving $$, so I coupon & spend time shopping for the best deals to be had. I try to do everything I can so when he comes home, he has free time just for us, or the kids or whatever projects he needs to do -that is beyond my skills......cars, house repairs, building something. 

We don't have a white picket fence but we do have a wooden one. ha ha We have an all american Dog, a cat, we go to church sometimes. One could say I am a soccer Mom- driving a bunch of kids to many activities after school, one going here, one going there. We don't eat at the table together though, we should. Seems only on Holidays that happens-when the extended family comes. 

My husband is not controlling , he is considerate in all things, he always asks me for my opinion -about anything he is thinking of doing , buying, going -and me too, never would one of us go out & buy something big without us running it past the other. Much respect both ways. We don't feel like it is a rule or anything - it just comes natural we are this way.

However we may look traditional from the outside, within the home itself, behind closed doors, our communication and openness with each other is likely out of the box in comparison to most families. I don't think we are dysfunctional but maybe a little ODD.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I think you have to define "traditional". What I think is traditional may not be the same for others.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think we are pretty "traditional" in the sense, he works and i stay home with the kids. i do house work, and i cook, [he dose also, but not as much]

he is alpha at home, he gets sex as much as i can [not being sick or time of the month, or just so tired, i think i would fall asleep during]

i am alpha in the world, i take charge at stores, and auto places, he is more than happy to sit back an watch the show..as long as when we are home, i give him back the pants.

now im not a snivelling stand in the corner, and agrees with everything, but i do shut-up, and let him handle situations.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> Default Re: Traditional Marriage?
> My marriage ( or whats left of it) was very traditional. I did all the housework because I didnt want him doing it. When he washes dishes- the water spills all over the floor. When he does the laundry..he puts the detergent on top of the clothes, and not in with the water.


He did this on purpose, I bet, cause he didn't want to do it


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He did this on purpose, I bet, cause he didn't want to do it


HAHA!! A part of me used to wonder that..but he would just do it, rather then me ask..so that's how I knew he wanted to help.

Now when it comes to cleaning the bathroom or making the bed..he's on point. So I dont mind the help with that.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

We're not traditional, we're fairly modern. He makes the money (right now anyway) but he also cooks...we alternate doing the laundry but I do most of the dishes and cleaning.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I am home right now due to an injury and I hate it. I like the freedom of having my own money, just like I did when I lived alone.

I could never be with someone who did not want to do any chores.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I am not exactly sure what you mean by traditional, but in my own definition my H and I have a 'modern traditional' marriage. 

He is the designated head of household, which is a more traditional role.

We both work outside the home in professional careers. That is maybe a more modern role (I say maybe because I think women have always worked - it's just a matter of the kinds of work they may have been able to do.)

We both take care of our kids (we only have boys). I do take on a more nurturing role, which is more traditional.

We split some of the housework, which is more modern. BUT, he does concentrate on the cars, trash, lawn - more traditional male things than I. I do concentrate on the home and decorating and such, which is again more traditional. He, however, does help with other stuff around the house - cleaning and cooking and such - usually without asking. He does more 'manly' stuff around the house - fixing things, carpentry, etc. I do the more 'womanly' stuff - decorating, making the place cozy, etc.

We have our values and priorities mostly in alignment and likely take on more traditional husband/wife and father/mother roles now. I am more conservatively minded than he. It used to be the other way around and I was very liberal when younger, so people can definitely change. He jokes that he has been married to multiple women in his life and they've all been me. My name change after marriage reflects my transition - going from not changing my maiden name, to having a combined name, to now having his name.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We have separate bank accounts but never have issues with sharing money.

I won't give up my account. I don't want to merge accounts. I've had my own account since I was 15 and made my own money since then...I'm keeping my account.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

That Girl, we have the same kind of arrangement. Works well for us too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My grams' mentality on marriage really stuck with me. When I was young and single I just thought she was "old-fashioned" but ya know, those "old fashioned" couples know how to make it work. I now follow her guidelines and things are much better. 

My gramps said marriage is like a business. Love comes and goes but if you have a good 'business partner', the marriage will last. I didn't know what he meant by that until I was older. I now see what he means. The feelings of "love" and what we expect from love are forever changing...but the marriage, if strong, can last.

I don't know if that makes a lot of sense, but it does to me lol. My grandparents were married 63 years. Not every year was good. Not every year was full of sunshine and rainbows...but they were committed and that means taking the good and bad...you know, "for better or worse"....and they rode out the storms.

I remember my gramma saying there were a few years in between the good years where she didn't even like my grandpa. She said, "Every night I would dream of whacking him in the head with my high heal." LOLLL But then she said, "but the marriage was stable...and for that we were truly blessed."


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I am not exactly sure what you mean by traditional, but in my own definition my H and I have a 'modern traditional' marriage.  Isn't it great to have the best of both worlds?:smthumbup:
> 
> He is the designated head of household, which is a more traditional role.
> Nobody ever formally designated a head in our marriage. For big decisions, he has the final say, which is often heavily influenced by my needs.
> ...


I was a raging and angry feminist when I was younger...I am surprised that I married and took a man`s name.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I took my husband's name too. For someone that didn't place importance on 'marriage' but rather just being with the person, I certainly surprised myself _and_ him. It just felt right. He did actually consider taking mine because I had a cooler surname lol, but I told him I'd be honored to share his name. I'm not sure I can even explain why.

My grandparents also were married over 60 years. I thought the world of my grandad. My family has compared my marriage to that of my grandparents before. My nan was slightly feisty, flirty, and sometimes struggled with her independent streak - but it was always him she turned to and she thought the world of him. They were always faithful and protective of each other. He was so patient, gentle and loving towards her but when he spoke up about something, you knew to listen. He used to flirt with her, even into his 90's. It was a very special bond they shared. I wished I'd been mature enough when they were still here to learn more about their views on marriage/relationships. All I really remember is that my nan had a big heart. They were poor but if she knew someone was missing out on something, she'd give up something of theirs for them to have or share. My grandad never drove a car. He walked everywhere and was a very fit man because of this. I remember him saying "Never go to bed angry" and "Things always look better in the morning." If there were stressful times he'd take stock and say "I have a roof over my head, food in my tummy. I'm doing okay, I'm doing better than most." This last statement always really stuck with me. When I've gotten myself stressed or in an emotional state about something, I've often taken a breath and imagined my grandad saying this. It helps bring things back into perspective.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your grandfather sounds like my dad. Too bad my poor father married a screeching and abusive woman, who victimized and emasculated him. My father was raised by his grandmother and he wanted his children to be raised in a home with both parents. 

He taught me to treat my husband with respect, by making me promise not to be like my mother when I married. This was always during the drives we would take together, so that he could complain about what a witch my mom was.

I was acting a bit like my mother while we were engaged, so I sought individual counseling to unlearn the negative anger responses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I proudly have my husband's name.

I don't know why it's considered weak, or whatever, to take your husband's name.

I love hearing people call me Mrs M---  It's an honor for me to take his name.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I love being Mrs. B as well. 

Some women consider taking a husband's name very traditional and therefore anti feminist. Taking a husband's name shows that you are entering a new phase in your life and making a new family with your husband. 

Most men I have met would be offended if their wives did not want their names.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Being feminist means making up your own mind.

And in my experience, my friends who are hard-core feminist aren't very happy in their personal/sex lives.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Growing up, my parents' marriage was very traditional, (he worked and had a career, she stayed at home, had the babies and looked after the home)... until my mom and dad got divorced, due to my father's infidelity. I was 12. 

My mom began working to support four kids, and I became "Mom Too". Taking care of my younger siblings. I didn't have much of a life then, but it was necessary.

When my husband and I first got married, it was very much traditional in a sense... He made the money, paid the bills and I looked after the house & our 'kids' (my three dogs... His "Step-Puppies" if you will)  I didn't even let him move in with me until after we were married. I wanted to do things 'right'.

I have a chronic pain problem that has made working difficult for me for much of my life. Almost all of my previous serious relationships were traditional... With my man at the time providing for me, and me providing a clean home, meals, etc.

Things change. I like having my own money and am now able to work part time, three days a week. I make decent money... I could survive on my own if needed. Now, because I am working, my husband is able to go part-time and attend school. (I support him in this, but financially things have been difficult and timing is terrible, now that I am pregnant). My husband makes less money than I do, hour per hour. I make almost twice as much per hour. I'm okay with it, and he's super good at managing... So while much of mine gets squandered, much of his gets saved. I do give him a portion of each check to contribute to bills. What I mean by squander is I spend what is leftover... Instead of saving it. 

I suppose when I have our baby, we will return to a traditional set-up, at least for a little while...

I like things somewhat traditional... To me, a man providing is a man loving and caring.

As for feminists... I actually think women should stop trying to be equal to men. We aren't on so many levels. Men appreciate a woman who isn't trying to be a man... And I like being taken care of, honestly. However, I am college educated and specialized in a traditional 'Man's' profession (Welding).

So, while I may seem a paradox of sorts, I actually use my welding skills to create art, and I don't really utilize my education at my place of business. (A hotel). 

I may have misinterpreted the whole feminist - discussion... So those are my few blurry thoughts. 

ETA - I took my husband's name SOLELY on the basis that I hated my Maiden Name. It's long, it's German and frequently is misspelled and made fun of... I loved my husband's last name...


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think we have a pretty traditional marriage. 

My H has a full-time job and supports us financially; I work freelance so it works out to fewer hours on average and less money, but I also have a lot more savings than he does. We have separate accounts for logistical reasons, we spend from his and save in mine. 

I do most of the homemaking stuff - ALL the cooking (and that means two 'gourmet'-style meals per day, plus I always bake my own breads and pastries - I spend at least 4 hours/day in the kitchen, because H is able to come home for work for lunch!), all the dishwashing and shopping, laundry, ironing, making the bed, picking up around the house, dusting/vacuuming, I did our entire decor myself, etc. 

But he also has chores: he takes out the trash and recycling 100% of the time, and he cleans the bathroom. He also does the heavy-duty cleaning like taking apart the oven to clean it. 

I do all the "handy" stuff around the house though - he can't do it because of an injury (and he just doesn't know how) so I do anything like putting together furniture, painting, hanging stuff on the walls, minor electrical work, fixing things that break. That is also because of how we grew up: I grew up with parents who did EVERYTHING themselves. H grew up with parents who called someone to come over the house if the washing machine didn't work (I wouldn't even know WHOM to call - I'm so used to just fixing things when they break!).

We have one car and when we go someplace together, H always drives. He takes the car to work too so I am sans car. I use his last name socially but for several reasons had to keep my maiden name legally - but I use his last name in every way I can that's not blatantly illegal. I do ALL the financial stuff including very detailed weekly budgets and savings plans, and he does all the "bureaucratic nonsense" like filing paperwork. I do the regular bill paying. 

We have the exact same level of education (in different fields) but he has more certifications and such than I do. 

I think we have a good balance. One thing that is uneven though is that when he comes home from work, he doesn't "have to" do anything else until he goes to work the next day. My "duties" last pretty much until we go to bed (with cooking, washing up, etc). 

One thing that is perhaps nontraditional is that we are childfree.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I always admire people who are good bakers....I don't have that skill. Every time I try to make cookies, they are too dry. 

Today is my anniversary, so I will be coming to Omega's house for pastries and then toasting my marriage with That girl. :rofl:

Just kidding, you guys.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

FirstYearDown said:


> I always admire people who are good bakers....I don't have that skill. Every time I try to make cookies, they are too dry.
> 
> Today is my anniversary, so I will be coming to Omega's house for pastries and then toasting my marriage with That girl. :rofl:


Happy Happy Anniversary!! Guess you'll have to change your name now to... 2ndYearDown now. 

I am the official Pie maker, my grandma's old recipies . My oldest came home for his Birthday, what did he ask me for... a homemade Lemon Meringue pie, he even went out to buy me the lemons !.... I do it all from scratch, down to squeezing those lemons. His favorite. 

So you can come to my house for pie!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

No, it is the first year. I started posting here about two weeks before. Thanks though, dear SA.

I might just steal the whole pie.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> We have separate bank accounts but never have issues with sharing money.
> 
> I won't give up my account. I don't want to merge accounts. I've had my own account since I was 15 and made my own money since then...I'm keeping my account.


Sorry for taking it off-topic a bit, but since you mention that the two of you don't have problems with sharing money, I can see a situation like this working out. What I've always struggled with on this site is the posters who have a fierce independence about sharing accounts. It seems like the assumption, then, is that the two of them will end up in retirement at the same level. What I'm saying is that if my wife were strongly focused on keeping her money seperate, and was determined to keep it that way, then we would almost have to part ways at retirement. Her 401k will put her in a social security style retirement. My pension and retirment will earn well into the six figures annually. I think she would be much more interested in forgetting about the independence if she couldn't afford to stay at my summer home.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sorry for taking it off-topic a bit, but since you mention that the two of you don't have problems with sharing money, I can see a situation like this working out. What I've always struggled with on this site is the posters who have a fierce independence about sharing accounts. It seems like the assumption, then, is that the two of them will end up in retirement at the same level. What I'm saying is that if my wife were strongly focused on keeping her money seperate, and was determined to keep it that way, then we would almost have to part ways at retirement. Her 401k will put her in a social security style retirement. My pension and retirment will earn well into the six figures annually. I think she would be much more interested in forgetting about the independence if she couldn't afford to stay at my summer home.


My retirement is paid from my job, Hubs has a 401K. Our accounts are separate but we have not had an issue with money yet. He was fired 2 weeks ago (is starting better job tomorrow) and I am taking over some bills he won't be able to pay. No worries  I don't know why y'all would have to part ways at retirement. Hubs naturally makes double what I make...I cannot make more, I teach LOL  But he'd never tell me to go eff myself at retirement if he makes more than I do. That's kinda rude.

Our bills are equal percentage-wise from our checks. We pay the same for our household and it works out nicely.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My gramps said marriage is like a business. Love comes and goes but if you have a good 'business partner', the marriage will last. "



Holy crap! Thats the best explanation of it I have ever heard! GRAMPS IS KING!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Holy crap! Thats the best explanation of it I have ever heard! GRAMPS IS KING!!!


Yea, he was pretty awesome  He just made all us grandkids really realize that "love" (as we want to feel it) isn't always there. But if the foundation is solid, then the cards won't fall over. lol....and I got married knowing I wouldn't always feel those "love" feelings for my husband, but the foundation was solid...My hubs knows this too...sometimes you just don't feel it. It doesn't mean it's not there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My retirement is paid from my job, Hubs has a 401K. Our accounts are separate but we have not had an issue with money yet. He was fired 2 weeks ago (is starting better job tomorrow) and I am taking over some bills he won't be able to pay. No worries  I don't know why y'all would have to part ways at retirement. Hubs naturally makes double what I make...I cannot make more, I teach LOL  But he'd never tell me to go eff myself at retirement if he makes more than I do. That's kinda rude.
> 
> Our bills are equal percentage-wise from our checks. We pay the same for our household and it works out nicely.


Different strokes for different folks.

Ours has always been combined and I manage it. Many years ago she would complain that we never had enough money to do xyz so I told her one day; I doing all I can do with what we have but If you want to try I'll give you the checkbook and the bills and I'll stay out of your way with it. 

About 3 months later she drops them back in my lap and says; I understand now. I can't take the stress of it! If you will take it back I'll never complain about it again. 

That was about 30 years ago and bless her heart; she has been true to her word ever since. Every thing we have is either paid for now or I could write a check tomorrow and pay it all off. 

She carries plastic now and gets what ever she wants. Back then she was thinking short term while I had a long term plan. She gets it now and is glad we played the game the way we did.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's good.

I just couldn't hand my money over to someone. lolll I guess that comes from years of working and supporting myself. I work my butt off ...I control what I earn.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> That's good.
> 
> I just couldn't hand my money over to someone. lolll I guess that comes from years of working and supporting myself. I work my butt off ...I control what I earn.



Probably does. We never supported ourselves before marriage. We were married at 16 and 17 respectively......Yep we really were! Circa 1977.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Stonewall, did you have a shot gun wedding? 

As far as I know, people need to be 18 to marry, with consent given if the kids are 16 and 17. I know it was a different time, so people got married much younger back then.

My first boyfriend proposed to me at 17. Glad I dodged that bullet!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Oh yeah, come over for bread and cake! I have some delicious lemon poppyseed cake on the kitchen counter that I am willing myself not to eat!

On the money side of things, I handle all the money and most of the money is H's... I'm regularly amazed by how willing he is to hand over ALL of the money he makes for me to manage. He doesn't keep any of it for himself - we're going through a very tight time right now financially and there isn't any extra, and while he could easily get frustrated and say "I want to go out for coffee" he doesn't - I think because he appreciates that I spend so much time and effort managing the finances, he's willing to just put it all in my hands. There is truly a lot of stress. But I enjoy it in a sick way - and he hates it. 

When we first discussed finances, it was basically "do you have any debt? Do I have any debt?" But now our money is 100% shared. I don't think either of us would be able to survive if it weren't, because things really are that tight right now!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Omega, now I will have to break into your house. Double lock all the windows! :rofl:

I am not good with money at all, so my husband manages the finances, which is very traditional. However, I insist on knowing where we stand financially. When there is something I would like to save toward, I hand the money over to him so that I am not tempted to spend it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> Probably does. We never supported ourselves before marriage. We were married at 16 and 17 respectively......Yep we really were! Circa 1977.


HA! I was born in 76! 

I was single on my own without children for 4 years, then lived with someone who controlled all the money (and that SUCKED!!!!!!!! Asking for money is one of the most demeaning things ever) and then I was a single mom for 7 years. 

My husband was single and on his own for 8 years before meeting me.

We're both great at budgeting and paying our bills on time. Never had an issue and don't expect one.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My retirement is paid from my job, Hubs has a 401K. Our accounts are separate but we have not had an issue with money yet. He was fired 2 weeks ago (is starting better job tomorrow) and I am taking over some bills he won't be able to pay. No worries  I don't know why y'all would have to part ways at retirement. Hubs naturally makes double what I make...I cannot make more, I teach LOL  But he'd never tell me to go eff myself at retirement if he makes more than I do. That's kinda rude.
> 
> Our bills are equal percentage-wise from our checks. We pay the same for our household and it works out nicely.


I was talking about some of the more extreme cases of keeping things seperate finacially. I've seen some cases where people say that they are so seperate, that they would never give money to the spouse. That's what I was taking about. My wife and I have a traditional approach to finances, but she takes a portion of her check out into a private account. She prefers to let me handle her investments and retirement. Because I worry about protecting her more than myself, I tend to put hers into safer options. It was funny that during the downturn, her retirement portfolio kept most of its value, but I lost a fortune.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't mind asking my husband for money. Sometimes I need a little bit extra and he cannot read my mind. It all depends on the relationship dynamics. 

The idea of having to pay for half of everything is unappealing to me. It is too much like roommates and not a married couple. Like YinPrincess, I enjoy being taken care of to some extent. Of course, I am willing to look after my husband in other ways, so it all balances out.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

that_girl said:


> We're both great at budgeting and paying our bills on time. Never had an issue and don't expect one.


Being on the same page makes that easier.

My H and I were living together at 19. I knew how to save, he didn't. I was thinking long term; he was thinking short term. Our different approaches with finances did cause some disagreements in the first few years. He learned to be less frivolous with money he didn't have; I learned to loosen up a bit. We made smart decisions (mostly with property) to help get us where we're at. There's a level of risk involved and his strengths lie here and this is where a balance between us has served well. Our financial goals are now the same.

If I was to meet someone at the age I am now, I'm not sure it'd be as easy for me to just combine everything. Regardless of their financial situation. It's hard for me to imagine this. It's different learning together and going through the ups and downs involved from a young age. It would be hard for me if the other person didn't have a good understanding of how to manage their finances.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I don't mind asking my husband for money. Sometimes I need a little bit extra and he cannot read my mind. It all depends on the relationship dynamics.
> 
> The idea of having to pay for half of everything is unappealing to me. It is too much like roommates and not a married couple. Like YinPrincess, I enjoy being taken care of to some extent. Of course, I am willing to look after my husband in other ways, so it all balances out.


Paying half? lol Hubs pays mortgage, phones, car insurance and his personal bills.

I pay daycare, food, utilities and my personal bills.

That's the only way people can make it here in Los Angeles!

I hate asking for 10 bucks to go to coffee with a friend. I hate asking for money, period.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I also live in an expensive city. When I am working, I only pay for my personal needs. Whatever works for each couple.

In fact, I know many wives who pay very little, because their husbands make so much more than them. Our expenses are not as high, because we don't have any children.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My marriage is very traditional - but it's because of the way he is with me. Because of him, I WANT to be the traditional wife, I want to take care of all things 'house-wifey'. He told me once that he wanted me to let him be the man...the breadwinner the one who takes care of wife/family. I like that. No one has ever wanted to take care of me before. It's really nice!

Before my husband - I never wanted marriage...I never wanted ANYTHING traditional, and I lived life my way. Wow. Things are so much better now


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Stonewall, did you have a shot gun wedding?
> 
> As far as I know, people need to be 18 to marry, with consent given if the kids are 16 and 17. I know it was a different time, so people got married much younger back then.
> 
> My first boyfriend proposed to me at 17. Glad I dodged that bullet!


Yes we had to have permission to obtain a license. but it was a different time and back then it was not at all unusual in the deep south. If you go back about 200- 300 years it was normal for girls to get hitched at 13 as well. Needless to say in the south we hold on to traditions a little longer.

It actually was the best thing for me though. I needed someone to throttle me as my parents were unable. She is the only person that kept me from self destructing. She made me walk the line and I am exceedingly thankful that God put her in my life.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I know that it teenage marriage was once the norm. Now women have more opportunites, so they can learn to live independently for years before they marry. In this day and age, there is nothing healthy about the tradition of marrying as a teen. 

I am glad that it worked out for you. I also acknowledge that you are from a different era.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Traditional as in you drop dead from scurrilous infectious plague at age 27 like in the 14th Century? I wish.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> My marriage is very traditional - but it's because of the way he is with me. Because of him, I WANT to be the traditional wife, I want to take care of all things 'house-wifey'. He told me once that he wanted me to let him be the man...the breadwinner the one who takes care of wife/family. I like that. No one has ever wanted to take care of me before. It's really nice!


 I could have written this.



> Before my husband - I never wanted marriage...I never wanted ANYTHING traditional, and I lived life my way.


 but I was the complete opposite of this, I wanted the fairy tale from early on, before I even met him, it is what I dreamed about and envisioned for my future as a young girl. Kids, doting husband, the whole thing. That.... or being a Rock star and I sure knew that wasn't going to come to pass!! :rofl:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I think that there is a huge taboo among women of my generation. We are supposed to constantly be strong and independent. We tend to look down on women who enjoy being taken care of.

I struggle with this, because I was against marriage for a long time. I saw it as drudgery and servitude for a woman. 

I don't mind doing things for my husband, because we share duties. I enjoy being taken care of too, but I would never admit it in real life. Young women would throttle me, especially the jealous single ones.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

my husband and I never wanted to get married. Then over the phone one day, we decided it would be a good idea. LOL NO proposal, no romance, just the beginning of a new chapter. A new business plan  LOL!

He is very traditional in his ideas about marriage which works because I am too. We just didn't want to get married because our parents' marriages were lame and most of our friends are already divorced.

He is a provider though. He prides himself on it. I love the idea of being the wife and being taken care of, but it took a lot of un-brainwashing to get me here. I was raised by a single mom to take care of myself and I was single, with a kid, for 7 years before meeting him.

It was a gear shift and one that was somewhat difficult but it's now finding a happy medium and we're both finding fulfillment in our roles...after many hours of discussing them.

Right now, he's sleeping in my lap, the laptop on his head LOL...always providing...even now he's serving as my table. :rofl:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I would have to say I have probably about as un-traditional a marriage as one could get. In our home, my husband does all-things house: cleans, dishes, laundry, decorates, fixes, works on cars, all of those things that make houses go. I do cooking, put away clothes and all things relating to shared assets--bill paying, etc. 

Other than the fact that I truly love to feed people, I have never given a whit about domestic stuff. I can clean if I must, but I'd rather stab my eyes and ears out than pick paint or discuss the finer points of towels and throw pillows. Speaking of pillows.....I'd love to know why one needs 15 of them piled just so on a bed when you only sleep on 1 or maybe 2! It's crazy! Just buy some, it's dark when you're in there anyway!

Now, part of this is because his work shifts give him more time at home. But honestly, I'll pull out the laptop and work on stuff if I have an hour at home, he'll mop something. Even if for some reason I didn't have my particular husband who lives and breathes Febreze, I'd probably still get a service in for cleaning--I'm not sure the world could take my mood if it were all up to me! 

I know that feminism gets thrown around and bashed a lot around here, but I can tell you, I am a poster child for why it works. I don't know anyone that would say that I'm a man- or a woman-hater, but I will say that I am grateful every single day that I have the _choice_ to go out and make a comfortable living out in the world. When I think that it wasn't so long ago that my choices would have been homemaker, nurse or teacher--none of which I'm in any way suited for--I have nothing but appreciation for those that blazed the trail for me that lets me have the options I have to do what I'm good at instead. There's more than enough room for everyone to play to their strengths if we quit worrying about the power struggle and hidden motivation behind it all and just go do what we're good at and what makes us happy. 


(Okay, off my soapbox, Kumbaya chorus over!)


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I know that it teenage marriage was once the norm. Now women have more opportunites, so they can learn to live independently for years before they marry. In this day and age, there is nothing healthy about the tradition of marrying as a teen.
> 
> I am glad that it worked out for you. I also acknowledge that you are from a different era.


It did work out for us we are soul mates. But it was a hard hard road to travel for a long time. Sometimes I wonder how we made it. It is not something I would recommend to others as it is usually a bad idea that does not work out.We had to eventually decide to pull together or push apart. I'm glad we chose the former.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I could have written this.
> 
> but I was the complete opposite of this, I wanted the fairy tale from early on, before I even met him, it is what I dreamed about and envisioned for my future as a young girl. Kids, doting husband, the whole thing. That.... or being a Rock star and I sure knew that wasn't going to come to pass!! :rofl:


So funny! Everyone was in complete shock when I announced my engagement...No one could believe it. A lifetime of me saying I'd never marry. No fairytale plans dancing around in my head...

We set a date right away, and were engaged for 9 months ...my engagement ring is a tourmaline, not a diamond. I planned my whole wedding over the internet, including ordering a wedding dress from Sears on-line...It fit perfectly! We had a grand total of 11 guests at our rent-a-chapel ceremony, dinner at a nice resto, and everyone present said it was the best wedding ever  !!!

Kids I never wanted either...however, that didn't stop me from having 2 of the little grubs quite early on in life. Apparently you don't need to be married to get those! As if I didnt' learn the first 2 times, after a 12 year gap, I had one more! LOL...

:lol:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I think that there is a huge taboo among women of my generation. We are supposed to constantly be strong and independent. We tend to look down on women who enjoy being taken care of.
> 
> I took care of myself for 20 years - and where did it get me, really? I'm glad my King came along, I only wish we could have found one another sooner. It's so nice not to have to worry so much!


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