# Question For Parents



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

How does it reflect badly on parents, if their adult children do not wish to have kids?:scratchhead: This is clearly one of those parental things that non parents (like me) just don't understand. 

Also, would the parents on TAM be heartbroken if one of their children did not reproduce?

My husband and I are not having kids. We simply love our freedom and our quiet. Our mothers are beside themselves with sadness. I don't think this makes sense, considering that neither of us are only children and our siblings have produced grandchildren. 

I'm not looking to get into a debate about why I do not wish to become a mother.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I'm hoping that at least one of my three children will have babies. It's for selfish reasons, though. Babies are cute little things and I could hand them over the minute any real work is required. Awesomesauce.

I don't feel that having a child who chooses to live child-free would reflect poorly on me. As long as I instill a decent set of morals in each of my children and they maintain them, I couldn't care less about their life choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I have a daughter, she`s only 11.

I`d definitely enjoy grandkids one day hmm...I never thought about this.

I`d be a little sad for awhile but I wouldn`t harass my daughter about her life choices.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I honestly think I would be very disappointed if I don't get at least one granchild from my two girls.

But I would also respect their decision. I don't expect them to have a baby just for my sake.

I would probably look for other ways - church maybe or volunteering - to be involved with children if both of my girls decided they didn't want kids.

So - not the end of the world, but yes - I'd be a bit sad.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

If my kids choose not to have kids, I'd wonder if they wished I'd chosen not to have kids. I don't think it's about having grandkids (bearing in mind that my oldest is nine), I think it's about how did I screw up my kids so badly that they wish they hadn't been born, that they think the world is so awful they don't want children of their own, etc?
A lot of not being heartbroken over it would depend on why the child chose not to have children. If it's something that makes that particular child obviously ill-suited to having kids, say the child is bipolar and cannot handle either being off medicine or regularly taking medicine, then I would feel very differently about the child choosing not to have children than a child who was making that choice because of, say, wanting a high powered career more than children. The later child I would feel I had failed in some way as a parent, as I hadn't passed my own values along to them.
There's probably some biological cause to the desire for grandkids--I remember reading something about the purpose of menopause being to add an extra adult to help care for the next generation of children--as well as sociological. In other words, it's not entirely a logical thing and you shouldn't expect it to make sense to you.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I really hope it wouldn't reflect badly on my parents. I chose to be childfree years ago. My mom is extremely supportive - she thinks it's best, in fact she says that if she could live her life again, she wouldn't have had children. My dad doesn't care, as far as I know. But my decision not to have children may have come in part from the way they raised me to think outside the box a little bit.

My in laws.... mother in law assumes we'll have children but doesn't have the kind of relationship with us where she would say anything. Father in law - I doubt he cares one way or another.

My mother has ALWAYS said that parents should never ask their children for grandchildren: if they want more babies, they should have more babies, not expect someone else to have them for them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My 12 year old used to say she didn't want children. Now, she is not sure. She just wants a ton of animals.

Wouldn't bother me at all. It's her life. 

I wanted 7 kids my whole life LOL...now, I'm happy with 2.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

I have three kids, the oldest of which is 14. I guess grandchildren would be nice, but right now I really don't care. I do not want my children to have kids if they don't want them. When they are adults, the choices they make are completely up to them and so long as they are not harming themselves or others, I will be supportive. My brother-in-law and his wife have chosen to be childfree and my husband and I are really the only ones who support their decision. She actually thanked me a few times for not bugging her about kids. 

Now my brother and my sister should never have had children. My brother and his wife have six kids and some of the time cannot afford to feed them. We help when we can, but we can't support a family of eight also. My sister has some pretty serious emotional problems and her kids are suffering from it. 

So, yeah, if you don't want kids, don't have them. Enjoy your full nights sleep and sex whenever you want it. Now I'm jealous.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I have three almost grown children. It's entirely up to them to decide what's right for them. While I would like to eventually have at least one grandchild, it's not my decision to make. I want my children to be happy. Besides I can always get another pet. lol


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

HappyWife40 said:


> I have three kids, the oldest of which is 14. I guess grandchildren would be nice, but right now I really don't care. I do not want my children to have kids if they don't want them. When they are adults, the choices they make are completely up to them and so long as they are not harming themselves or others, I will be supportive. My brother-in-law and his wife have chosen to be childfree and my husband and I are really the only ones who support their decision. She actually thanked me a few times for not bugging her about kids.
> 
> Now my brother and my sister should never have had children. My brother and his wife have six kids and some of the time cannot afford to feed them. We help when we can, but we can't support a family of eight also. My sister has some pretty serious emotional problems and her kids are suffering from it.
> 
> *So, yeah, if you don't want kids, don't have them. Enjoy your full nights sleep and sex whenever you want it. Now I'm jealous*.


:lol::lol: Too funny. Strangely, I actually believe that nosy people who ask us about our choice, are secretly envious. You just mentioned two of the reasons I will not become a mother.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sameold said:


> If my kids choose not to have kids, I'd wonder if they wished I'd chosen not to have kids. I don't think it's about having grandkids (bearing in mind that my oldest is nine), *I think it's about how did I screw up my kids so badly that they wish they hadn't been born, that they think the world is so awful they don't want children of their own, etc?*
> A lot of not being heartbroken over it would depend on why the child chose not to have children. If it's something that makes that particular child obviously ill-suited to having kids, say the child is bipolar and cannot handle either being off medicine or regularly taking medicine, then I would feel very differently about the child choosing not to have children than a child who was making that choice because of, say, wanting a high powered career more than children. The later child I would feel I had failed in some way as a parent, as I hadn't passed my own values along to them.
> There's probably some biological cause to the desire for grandkids--I remember reading something about the purpose of menopause being to add an extra adult to help care for the next generation of children--as well as sociological. In other words, it's not entirely a logical thing and you shouldn't expect it to make sense to you.


I am too much of a nice daughter, to tell The Womb how badly her abuse messed me up.  You're not going to tell on me, are you? 

Thanks for offering a different perspective. Maybe this is indeed what our mothers are thinking....


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

QUOTE=omega;435082] My mom is extremely supportive - she thinks it's best, in fact she says that if she could live her life again, she wouldn't have had children. [/QUOTE]

This line makes me incredibly sad. I would be beyond heartbroken if my mom says she wished she had never had children.
That said, I made my personal choice to have children and my children will have the same respect to make their own decision. I look forward to grandchildren, but it's not something owed to me. 
That said - I'm going to be a first-time hot grandma in April .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> This line makes me incredibly sad. I would be beyond heartbroken if my mom says she wished she had never had children.


 I can see why you would think that. It doesn't bother me at all. My mother and I are best friends, we travel together, talk about everything, etc. She sees the life I have now and she is wistful because she realizes how much she gave up in order to have a "traditional" family with a son, a daughter, a dog, and a cat. Her generation had children because everyone had children - I doubt she was dying to have one. I was born when she was 38, she obviously put it off as long as she could! (Back then, 38 was high risk.)

I understand where she's coming from - and I don't want to do something like having children just because other people do it.

But if my mom and I weren't so close, and I didn't know she loves me, I might not want to hear "If I could do it again, I wouldn't have children." It's not like she said "You are a rotten child, I wish I'd never thrown my life away to have you."


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

38 is still higher risk than 25 or 30. The older the mother is, the greater the chances of birth defects. 

Omega, I love the relationship you have with your mother.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> 38 is still higher risk than 25 or 30. The older the mother is, the greater the chances of birth defects.
> 
> Omega, I love the relationship you have with your mother.


I wish people could be secure enough in their choices that they could just make them and not feel the need to defend them by cutting down choices of others. Not speaking of anyone here, but why is this such a hot topic for people? On both ends. I get comments as if I don't understand birth control because I have 4 children. I have a nurse say, 'better you than me' when I had healthy son at 39. Why do people feel the need to comment rudely whether people choose not to have kids or choose to have 4? I support my kids without government assistance, so none of their business. 
It's weird that strangers care. I get grandmas - but still, such a personal choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Even though people should keep their negative comments to themselves, we are a social species, and we take great interest in the next generation.

Parents want grandchildren because that is their shot at immortality. It is also fun to interact with grandchildren, but not be responsible for them on a daily basis. There is curiosity about seeing what kind of parent your child will be.

All that said, no one should ever tell someone else that they should have children. It is a great responsibility, and if you don't enter into it wholeheartedly, both you and the children will be miserable.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Golfergirl:

I did *not *say that an older mother cannot have a healthy child...just that the risks are higher. It is a medical fact, not a dig at older moms, I promise. Sorry if you were offended.
Pregnancy After Age 35

I am very happy to read that your son escaped those risks. :smthumbup:

While I am appalled at what the nurse said to you, I am not surprised. I have been mistreated and abused by nurses, so I am wary of all of them. They seem to take out their anger on patients a lot and misuse their power.

Maybe you _wanted _to have four children! I would only say that you didn't understand birth control, if you were constantly complaining about how you didn't want that many. 

When people tell me that I will change my mind, I laugh at them because they do not live in my head or in my marriage. My MIL feels that her son would make a great father; he is very awkward and impatient with small children. I have had people call me a child hater and tell me that only "real women" become mothers. My four nieces add such joy to my life, especially since I get to experience only the fun parts of being around children.

My husband is thinking of telling our mothers about the planned vasectomy, just to get them to stop bothering us. I don't think that this is any of their business, but it just might work. The Womb is not above calling all of my large extended family and weeping about the vasectomy....it may just lead to more people bugging us at family functions. 

I know my mother doesn't want her son-in-law to think badly of her; she is certain that my husband is to blame for her not getting grandkids.  "If you were with a man who wanted to have kids, you would give me a grandchild!" The Womb obviously ignores me when I tell her that we chose each other because of our childfreedom, so maybe some firmness from the person she blames would work.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> Omega:
> 
> I did not say that an older mother cannot have a healthy child...just that the risks are higher. It is a medical fact, not a dig at older moms, I promise. Sorry if you were offended.


 etc... that wasn't me you were responding to. I wasn't offended nor did I ever say anything about older mothers. I'm childfree. Maybe that was directed toward *golfergirl*? Anyway, I'm completely with you on the nosey comments. I get them ALL the time - especially from people our age (low 30s) from people who are pregnant or already have children - which seems to be most people we know!! I find it very annoying because they don't usually seem all THAT happy with their lives. They are constantly complaining about not having money, free time, flexibility, vacations, etc. I'm not saying that they are not happy, just that they make it awfully hard to see that happiness, while at the same time bugging ME about having children!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

omega said:


> etc... that wasn't me you were responding to. I wasn't offended nor did I ever say anything about older mothers. I'm childfree. Maybe that was directed toward *golfergirl*? Anyway, I'm completely with you on the nosey comments. I get them ALL the time - especially from people our age (low 30s) from people who are pregnant or already have children - which seems to be most people we know!! I find it very annoying because they don't usually seem all THAT happy with their lives. *They are constantly complaining about not having money, free time, flexibility, vacations, etc. I'm not saying that they are not happy, just that they make it awfully hard to see that happiness, while at the same time bugging ME about having children! *


:lol: Sorry, FYD is getting old. I edited that post and redirected it to the right person.

I bolded those comments, because it resonates with some of the downsides of being a parent. If someone really wants to raise children, the sacrifices are small compared to the rewards.
:smthumbup:

I respect decent and responsible parents, so it is interesting that they normally have a huge problem with us.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> :lol: Sorry, FYD is getting old. I edited that post and redirected it to the right person.
> 
> I bolded those comments, because it resonates with some of the downsides of being a parent. If someone really wants to raise children, the sacrifices are small compared to the rewards.
> :smthumbup:
> ...


I wasn't offended by older mother comments. I got what I got (two healthy boys) so no worries!
If you were my children, no explanations necessary. Your life, your choice. If you are a stranger - even more - no explanation necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I wouldn't worry about that its their life and they live it the way they like it as long as they are happy, healthy and well I'll be happy


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## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

I guess I am thinking more out of the box here. I have three boys and one of them does have a baby, that I do not get to really see. Number one reason DIL controls that situation, Number two reason they don't like my current husband. So, while it makes me sad that I don't see my granddaughter (yep the only little girl I have) I have no control over their lives. They live on their own, they don't ask for money, etc. They are good boys so, I don't feel I have a right as a "parent" to tell them what I think, especially if they don't ask. Now if you ask me I will tell you what I think but that doesn't mean that is what you should do. B/c if it turns out the wrong way guess who will get blamed you (or me). Ultimately its their lives to live not mine and its their mistakes to make not mine. 

Usually when asked "Mom what do you think" my response is "okay there are consequences for every desicion you make, some are good and some are bad if you think you can live with the consequence than that really is all that matters". Doesn't make me love you anymore or any less.

My mother is very much you do it my way or the highway or the passive/aggresive way I won't talk to you or be short with you until you cave into what I want.....and I just don't think that is the way you treat anyone. 

Its your life, its your decision, you make it you have to live with and if you can that really that is all that matters.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

FirstYearDown said:


> How does it reflect badly on parents, if their adult children do not wish to have kids?:scratchhead: This is clearly one of those parental things that non parents (like me) just don't understand.
> 
> Also, would the parents on TAM be heartbroken if one of their children did not reproduce?
> 
> My husband and I are not having kids. We simply love our freedom and our quiet. Our mothers are beside themselves with sadness. I don't think this makes sense, considering that neither of us are only children and our siblings have produced grandchildren.


I want my kids to grow up and DO and BE whatever makes them happy in life. 

I learned from my own mother what NOT to do in life....she married and had ME ..but what she really wanted was to go off to college & get a degree. She allowed others around her to pressure her into marriage, then I came quickly after. The marraige was a disaster cause it was not in her heart to BE and DO what she was doing with her life. It all fell apart, she never did make it to college.

I , on the other hand, learned from that, BUT I was nothing like her, I wanted the whole marriage & big family thing(I took more after my Grandmother) and I feel completely fullfilled with that choice. 

We should all do what we want in life, not what anyone else wants... only this will bring true fullfillment & happiness. 

I have an Aunt who never married, she was happy -hard for me to relate to that, I am such a sucker for Romance, but to each his or her own. She was genuinelly happy, threw big parties for the family every year, loved her job & went out with her girlfriends. 

I have a cousin who loves her career, her lifestyle with her husband, both having thier own careers, they don't want any kids, they love thier 2 dogs like children, and do alot of vacationing. They are living thier dream, nothing wrong with that! 

Best to not have kids -if that is not your thing. It would only be more damaging to them.


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