# What am I supposed to do?



## AshKat (Jan 19, 2009)

This started as just venting, and turned into a letter to a therapist…maybe I’m looking for advice. Really I just needed to get everything straight, so here goes:

I love my husband of 4 months like something ridiculous. He makes me laugh and is extremely sappy, but yet, doesnt have a romantic bone in his body. He has passion, but no initiative. And I know this is a bit much but, when we have sex, it's great but we never have sex (Once a month, maybe). We havent even had sex since I moved back in,(We seperated for the last month of our marriage and I moved back in a week ago) and Im not sure how much longer it will be before I find more porn on the computer (there have been issues with lots of porn and no sex during those times of lots of porn. I don’t mind porn, just either include me with it, or, I don’t know, continue having sex with your wife…Ive asked him to not look at porn until our sex life gets better or we try some new things, but he has ignored this request multiple times) because I feel I cant trust him...and I know that that is a huge issue. But he's been so sweet and attentive, he just hasn't done anything at home other than be nicer to help the issue. But I see the want in him to fix things and I don’t know how to feel about that. I guess it makes me happy, but in the back of my mind, I don’t have the confidence that he will follow through and go out of his way to do something for me, like I do for him. Sure he’s done it a couple times with some little gestures, at the beginning of the relationship. It feels like he thinks he doesn’t or shouldn’t have to remind me that he loves me, in other ways than just saying it. 

When I do things around the house, I feel appreciated, and he thanks me, but I never get an offer to help. I guess what I’m asking for is some consideration. If he sees me cleaning or sorting laundry, I would like for him to ask, “Is there something I can do to help?” even if there isn’t anything for him to help with. And I would like him to ask in a non- irritated “I guess I HAVE to” kind of way. 

He’s very committed to an idea once he has decided its what he believes or likes and its hard to change his mind. I like the fact that he would stick by his decision through thick and thin. Unfortuntely, when we disagree, he will cling to his belief and when I try and share what I’m saying, he shuts down, because it doesn’t go along with what he’s saying. And I know I do it too, which is why we butt heads. That’s the ok part though. I don’t mind having different points of view. Its what makes us all individuals and I respect that.

When our opinions differ and we argue, however, I feel I argue in a sensible, non-threating, “here’s how I feel and whatever you think is whatever you think and thats ok” kind of way. I feel like, with him, there can be no compromise in ideas, or even an “agree to disagree” attitude. He gets very angry and starts yelling at me about how Im not listening or understanding what he is saying. 

When I ask him to explain what he is saying so that I can understand, he gets frustrated and either shuts down, or yells at me more. If I ask him to please stop yelling, it pisses him off even MORE because he thinks that I’m not letting him express himself how he wants to, when in reality, I just don’t want to be yelled at.

But sometimes, in the past, he has gone over the line and continues screaming at me. He knows it upsets me and sets off my anxiety and it has made me cry because I feel so intimidated. And anyone who knows me KNOWS I don’t get intimidated very easily. He makes me feel so small when he’s that angry and on a couple of occasions, he’s continued getting in my face and yelling on purpose so that I will cry more because he’s just that angry. At this point, I don’t even know what he’s so angry about anymore because Im just trying to breathe and maintain SOME of my dignity, even though Im a sobbing ball of tears. It’s at this point where I just start agreeing with him or I’ll stop talking to make him stop or go away. He gets angry when I don’t say anything though because, I guess now that I’m crying, he wants to hear what I think, or he just saying it to be mocking because he knows that I can’t answer even if I wanted to because Im crying so hard. He’s never hit me or even threatened to hit me, but the fear is there, and I think that’s what he is trying to achieve. He would never physically hurt me, because he knows that if he really wants to get to me, all he has to do it mess with my head and I come tumbling down.

Whenever it gets that bad, we go our separate ways for a couple hours and he always comes back and apologizes. Ive asked him to stop doing this because he knows he’s intentionally hurting me, he’s just so angry at the time, he doesn’t care and that scares me. He says he cant promise that he wont yell at me like that anymore because once he gets that angry, its all he can do to keep from punching through a wall, so he screams. I know he needs anger management, but we can’t afford it and I don’t know how much longer I can handle him being defensive ALL the time. If I make a sarcastic remark, he thinks Im serious, when I just want a witty comeback, he thinks Im attacking him, even when I have clearly told him, “I am not trying to offend you or attack you”. I want to be able to verbally spar with him without him taking anything personally. I try not to take too much personally, but when he reacts defensively to a simple comment, I flip into that mode.

Obviously we have serious communication issues.

Im starting to think after reading back through this that we got married because I thought he would mellow out and change over time, but after 2 ½ years, he still does the exact same things: being big headed, loud, in your face and dominant. All with no initiative whatsoever. And I’ve gone from being THE woman to being the doormat to his anger, something that I swore I would never be. I went from being dominant and an in-charge kind of person to walking on eggshells because I’m scared to make him mad.

Im hoping that if we start therapy, things will improve, but I still have my doubts. Pre-marital counseling went really well for us, so I guess I should have hope, but without anger management, I don’t know if our marriage will make it and that scares me most of all, I think.

I want to make this work so badly, but I’m afraid that it’s too late, and I can’t help but feel like a total idiot for a 4 month marriage failing after a 2 year relationship. I don’t know what else I can do to help our situation…. Now he wont even have sex with me, since Ive moved back in, even though I have clearly initiated it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AshKat said:


> Im not sure how much longer it will be before I find more porn on the computer (there have been issues with lots of porn and no sex during those times of lots of porn.


I found out my H was addicted to porn a few months after i moved with him. he also rarely wanted sex, and i felt almost asexual around him. We fought a lot. He wanted to change, too, so he went to counseling. Not right off the bat though, we fought about it a lot for about a year or so. 

there were other issues in my marriage, but this took precedent. all the horrible fights we got into, and we've had a few, stemmed from this. ive broken things of his, verbally abused him, and he's physical intimidated me, grabbed me, and pushed me. 

my self-esteem was absolutely crushed, and even though he's stopped now and is a completely different person, im still recovering. 

If you two are going to counseling, make sure you find a counselor that is aware that you want to stop the porn. the first counselor my H went to tried to make him feel like it was ok, just a guy thing, and that it was ok if he hid it from me, too. that got us into a huge fight. the counselor my H has now is much more supportive. she told my H about programs to help block porn, and other things. 



AshKat said:


> If he sees me cleaning or sorting laundry, I would like for him to ask, “Is there something I can do to help?” even if there isn’t anything for him to help with. And I would like him to ask in a non- irritated “I guess I HAVE to” kind of way.


I can relate to this. when i first lived with my H he was very preoccupied with his stuff. he never cleaned anywhere he lived, so i think he just didnt think he needed to, but appreciated that i did. now, three years later, he's very willing to help. he always asked what he can do to help.



AshKat said:


> Whenever it gets that bad, we go our separate ways for a couple hours and he always comes back and apologizes. Ive asked him to stop doing this because he knows he’s intentionally hurting me, he’s just so angry at the time, he doesn’t care and that scares me. He says he cant promise that he wont yell at me like that anymore because once he gets that angry, its all he can do to keep from punching through a wall, so he screams.


The minute you feel uncomfortable, like the situation is escalating, leave. do not wait for him to get out of control like that. ive done this a couple of times in my relationship and my H did try to block the door, and did grab me and try and make me stay. you just have to stay calm. but make sure you leave. 

when he apologizes, dont you dare let him off the hook. keep emotional distance from him until he shows you that he's really ready to make a change. sorry just doesnt cut it. he needs to get books, go online, talk to other people, go to a religious leader. there are things he can do. do not allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to him until he starts making changes. 



AshKat said:


> I can’t help but feel like a total idiot for a 4 month marriage failing after a 2 year relationship.


I felt like an idiot in mine too. i moved with my H and everyone told me not too. well, they were right. i was an idiot. live and learn.


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## AshKat (Jan 19, 2009)

I can completely understand what you are saying. The thing is, we've been living together since we first started dating, so some of the things he's doing, he WASNT doing before we got married (he would always help with the house without being asked) and some of it (the porn) started just before we got married, but I figured, he's just being a guy, and our sex life was still ok, so I ignored it. It wasnt until he stopped wanted to have sex with me that I had a problem with it. I dont mind the porn, just dont let it replace our sex life, is kinda how I feel about it. 

(This is kind of an update) 

We were seperated for about a month, and I decided to move back in because I wanted to work things out with him at home and actually BE there. Its been 18 days, and I feel like his attitude, while somewhat sweeter, hasn't changed. I haven't found any more porn, but at the same time, he hasn't even Attempted to initiate intimacy. I did yesterday, and I got an angry grunt and he rolled over. I tried to be sweet and playful by nuzzling him, and he turned around and in a very irritated voice, asked "What?!"

I am so confused, I dont know how to feel. I dont know whether to be sad or angry or both. And I definetly still dont know what to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AshKat said:


> I figured, he's just being a guy, and our sex life was still ok, so I ignored it. It wasnt until he stopped wanted to have sex with me that I had a problem with it. I dont mind the porn, just dont let it replace our sex life, is kinda how I feel about it.


Ya i was living with my H almost a week after we started dating. We were always together and we had sex two-three times every day. i knew he watched porn, but like you said, i didnt care. it wasnt until a month or so after i moved states with him that he stopped wanting sex. that's when the sh*t hit the fan for us. well that and i found some very offensive letters from his mom about me that he was also hiding....oh good times...



AshKat said:


> Its been 18 days, and I feel like his attitude, while somewhat sweeter, hasn't changed.


Its been three years, almost four, and my H is just now starting to change. I'm not saying you should stick it out. But 18 days isnt going to do much. I left my a few times. sometimes for a month, sometimes just a few days. 

The rollar coaster ride was brutal. i hated my life. i was so confused and didnt know what i was doing. i didnt know how to handle it, i just wanted to stop hurting. i just couldnt believe my H was being such a jerk. 

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. work out, eat right, go to counseling. and stop trying to initiate sex. I know thats hard, believe me, i know. but it is the best thing for you right now.


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## AshKat (Jan 19, 2009)

I want to try and make things work and stick it out, but I feel like if I'm the only one who is making an effort, what's the point? He SAYS he wants to go to counseling, but when I ask him to help by looking up information to do so, he blows up and acts like I asked him to cut off his arm. I feel like that story with the hen who sows the wheat, makes the flour, takes it to the mill, and bakes the bread while all the other animals just sit by and dont do anything, but once that bread is made, they want some. He doesnt want to help me do all that stuff, but god forbid if he doesnt get to eat any bread! And I know some people are that way, where they dont like doing research and stuff, but I cant do it by myself. I work a 60 hour week too. Sometimes I think that he says things just so I'll shut up and leave him alone and this is one of them. As of yesterday, also, he has stopped saying I love you. I havent asked him why, and I dont know if I want to ask. And dont worry, I dont intend on saying anything about sex anymore. I left him alone and didnt say anything about it for 2 months, so he wouldnt feel pressured, so what's another...??? Few months or longer...??


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H never looked up information to go to counseling either. i eventually went for myself, and my counselor asked if he would come in for one session. it wasnt for him, it was for me. i needed to say something to him and i wanted to do it in front of a professional. our communication was that bad. that's actually what got the ball rolling for him, i think. after that, he looked up his own counselor. i think he was just unsure of what it was about, and all that. 

I fought with my h for years. it was horrible. i thought about leaving all the time. i flew to my sisters once and told him i was never coming back. filed for divorce once. i still dont have a ring. i threw it out the car window on the freeway. 

and being torn between loving and hating him, i also tried everything i could think of to make it work. i read books, talked to people, went to counseling, came on forums. everything.

ive been in that phase where i was fed up with being the only one that tried. but i wasnt going to leave, at least not that day, and i wanted to feel good. i couldnt feel good and not try something. I tried not trying. it didnt go well. 

and i also realized that my H was trying. it wasnt as visible as i wanted, or the way i wanted, but he was actually trying really hard. i remember after an appointment he had with a counselor he said 'she believes in me.' the look on his face struck me. it never occurred to me that he even cared. 

you might be surprised to find out that in his own way, your H is trying. 

My H and I are in a lull phase where we finally do not fight, well, we fight but it doesnt get abusive. its nice. 

you do sound extremely fed up with the situation, and i dont blame you. there's nothing wrong with leaving, if that's what you want to do. Just remember that you were attracted to this type of relationship. the most important thing is to change yourself, or you will find yourself in another relationship that is unrewarding for you.


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## AshKat (Jan 19, 2009)

Wow...I never actually thought about it that way... And the going to counseling just yourself... I think I just had a moment where I saw the line from point A to point B. Im still not sure what the dynamic of our marriage is, and I think I would be more comfortable leaving for now, until he gets his anger under control, but I feel really good about the decision to talk to someone about it by myself first. That seems excitingly logical.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

thats good i hope you do go talk to someone. only b/c it takes two to create an unrewarding relationship, and if you do ever leave, you want to make sure you recognize what attracted you to this kind of dynamic. 

i am the one in my relationship that has the anger problem. at least right now. my brother told me that he's shocked my h stayed with me. and my counselor told me that i was being a 'jerk'. it took a couple of people, and this forum, for me to get a reality check. it took awhile for me to realize that no matter what my H did, there was no excuse for me to yell at him, and verbally abuse him. for a long time i really thought i was justified. i really felt like he deserved it. so in that respect, i think i can relate to your H.


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