# Need Advice!



## Needtodecide84

My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have two children together and he has a child, my step son from a previous relationship. We have been through a lot in 10 years. He works a lot and always has to provide for the family. I work full time and take care of most of the household responsibilities. I have never really been attracted to him. I went through a lot of bad relationships and when I met my husband he had his stuff together and treated me good. I thought, well I’m not really attracted to him, but he will provide for me and be a good dad so I’ll marry him. Over the years things have happened that have caused me to resent him. Plus he’s let himself go so now I am not attracted to him and I resent him. We’ve tried marriage counseling but honestly I’m so disgusted with him that thought of intimacy with him makes my skin crawl. I DON’T want a divorce though. I don’t want to not see my kids everyday, I don’t want my kids to be hurt, and I don’t want to be strapped for money. I don’t know what to do. Can you have a good marriage if you are not attracted at all to your spouse?


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## Violet28

You sound like you are a little more than 'not attracted'. Is your distaste for his touch physical or mental?


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## Needtodecide84

Both, I think.


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## Spicy

Welcome to TAM.

A few questions. 

How old are the two of you?
What things have caused you to resent him?
Why did you opt to have kids with someone you married for money?


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## She'sStillGotIt

Needtodecide84 said:


> I DON’T want a divorce though. I don’t want to not see my kids everyday, I don’t want my kids to be hurt, and I don’t want to be strapped for money. I don’t know what to do. Can you have a good marriage if you are not attracted at all to your spouse?


Those are lame reasons for staying with someone you despise. Staying in a miserable marriage 'for the kids' just doesn't work. Not only is it an exercise in futility, but it presents to your kids a very dysfunctional picture of what a marriage is supposed to look like.

Except for a paycheck, he sounds pretty worthless, to be honest. As is usually the case, you work outside the home *and* do the lion's share of everything else inside the home, so what does he really contribute? A paycheck? Big deal. So do you.

Nothing worth having comes easy. I'd rather be strapped for cash and happy, then paying the bills and doing everything for someone who makes me miserable. I guess that's a personal decision only you can make.


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## Andy1001

Needtodecide84 said:


> My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have two children together and he has a child, my step son from a previous relationship. We have been through a lot in 10 years. He works a lot and always has to provide for the family. I work full time and take care of most of the household responsibilities. I have never really been attracted to him. I went through a lot of bad relationships and when I met my husband he had his stuff together and treated me good. I thought, well I’m not really attracted to him, but he will provide for me and be a good dad so I’ll marry him. Over the years things have happened that have caused me to resent him. Plus he’s let himself go so now I am not attracted to him and I resent him. We’ve tried marriage counseling but honestly I’m so disgusted with him that thought of intimacy with him makes my skin crawl. I DON’T want a divorce though. I don’t want to not see my kids everyday, I don’t want my kids to be hurt, and I don’t want to be strapped for money. I don’t know what to do. Can you have a good marriage if you are not attracted at all to your spouse?


You married for money and earned every penny.
You sound like a cake eater to me,if your hard working husband would just stay at work and deposit his paycheck in your bank account then everything would be fine yes?
I wonder what his opinion would be if asked.


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## Andy1001

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Those are lame reasons for staying with someone you despise. Staying in a miserable marriage 'for the kids' just doesn't work. Not only is it an exercise in futility, but it presents to your kids a very dysfunctional picture of what a marriage is supposed to look like.
> 
> Except for a paycheck, he sounds pretty worthless, to be honest. As is usually the case, you work outside the home *and* do the lion's share of everything else inside the home, so what does he really contribute? A paycheck? Big deal. So do you.
> 
> Nothing worth having comes easy. I'd rather be strapped for cash and happy, then paying the bills and doing everything for someone who makes me miserable. I guess that's a personal decision only you can make.


She said her husband works “a lot” and always has.How many hours a week is that and is it fair to expect him to also share half the household chores.
She was in bad relationships and then “settled” for her husband.To me this reads as her options were limited.
Now she is rewriting history,looking back at her past through rosy colored glasses and missing the life she wanted to get away from.
I feel sorry for this guy because in my opinion his wife is ripe for an affair.


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## Tasorundo

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Except for a paycheck, he sounds pretty worthless, to be honest. As is usually the case, you work outside the home *and* do the lion's share of everything else inside the home, so what does he really contribute? A paycheck? Big deal. So do you.
> 
> Nothing worth having comes easy. I'd rather be strapped for cash and happy, then paying the bills and doing everything for someone who makes me miserable. I guess that's a personal decision only you can make.


She hasn't even said anything he has done? For all we know he is a good father and husband. She started this by saying she was never attracted to him and implied she never loved him. How are you making him the bad guy in this? She only said she works full time and takes care of most of the household responsibilities. We don't know what that means or how tainted it is by her perception, does she work 35 hours and he works 50? Does he have to travel for work? Does he work two jobs to pay bills? We have very few details.


OP, what kind of person does what you did to your husband, then is disgusted with him? You have lived a lie with him for 10 years. That is 10 years he could have been looking for or found someone that actually did love him.


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## personofinterest

When you basically use someone for the security they provide and then admit you have no desire for them but are happy to take what they provide, it's hard for me to have much sympathy.

Does your husband know how you feel?


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## red oak

Needtodecide84 said:


> *and when I met my husband he had his stuff together and treated me good. I thought, well I’m not really attracted to him, but he will provide for me and be a good dad so I’ll marry him.....and I don’t want to be strapped for money. *


When one leaves a marriage where there is no physical abuse it is most often running from what they despise within themselves.

Use some mental maturity, read your quote above, and ask yourself what you would think of someone who did the same.

Ask yourself are you really disgusted with him or is it projection of being disgusted with yourself?


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## sunsetmist

What has caused you to resent him? How has he let himself go? How have you changed over the years? Have you recently seen someone who might be a better deal?


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## Needtodecide84

I agree with what you are all saying. I married for the wrong reasons. I was 23 and not blaming them,but my husband and I did not have good marriage role models. We thought our problems were totally normal.
He just opened a new business and works 7 days a week. It was not a good time to add extra stress emotionally and financially to our marriage. He didn’t care, that is why I resent him. Everyday that he is working and away from the family and spending money that we don’t have I resent him. He does not like confrontation and if I ask him something that he knows will upset me he will lie. I find out later and I’m even more hurt and mad than I would have been originally. 
I work 40 hours a week, sometimes more. 
I totally understand that we shouldn’t have gotten married and should not have brought children into the situation, but it happened and now I’m trying to figure out what to do.


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## sunsetmist

Twenty-three--many folks marry at this age after schooling, but others choose to live a little of life and wait. He lies, avoids home and confrontation. You do not trust him or respect him. How does he feel?


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## FalCod

I'm no expert, but it seems like the next appropriate step is to sit down and discuss this issue with him. Maybe you guys can work something out. Maybe you can't.


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## Needtodecide84

I am 34 and he is 39.


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## MattMatt

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Those are lame reasons for staying with someone you despise. Staying in a miserable marriage 'for the kids' just doesn't work. Not only is it an exercise in futility, but it presents to your kids a very dysfunctional picture of what a marriage is supposed to look like.
> 
> *Except for a paycheck, he sounds pretty worthless,* to be honest. As is usually the case, you work outside the home *and* do the lion's share of everything else inside the home, so what does he really contribute? A paycheck? Big deal. So do you.
> 
> Nothing worth having comes easy. I'd rather be strapped for cash and happy, then paying the bills and doing everything for someone who makes me miserable. I guess that's a personal decision only you can make.


 I really can't believe you said that. He's been a good husband, a good provider, a good father. And to you, that equates to him being worthless? 


she married a paycheque, someone she knew would be a good provider and a good husband and now she is bored with him. 

To me, this sounds like


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## Needtodecide84

We have talked and been to two counselors. He sometimes says he’s sorry for things he has done but a lot of the time he will just bring up something I have done justifying his actions. I am guilty of doing the same thing but I am trying to work on it. 
Somebody mentioned an affair. There have been no physical affairs, but two emotional/texting affairs on my part. I regret them and am in counseling to figure out why I need male attention. Even if my husband doesn’t give me attention, I should still be ok on my own but for some reason I feel like I need a man to validate me. Again I am working on this.
My fear is that I will divorce my husband and continue working on myself and once I am whole I will regret my decision. 
My other fear is that I am staying too long in a toxic relationship and am negatively affecting my children and anyone else involved.


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## Spicy

Does he know about the EA’s? If he does, how did he find out? Did you admit to them, or did you get caught?


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## Needtodecide84

I got caught both times.


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## Cynthia

I can't imagine how to have a good marriage to someone you don't desire and have contempt for. Contempt is the #1 reason for divorce. I recommend you start focusing on what you do like about your husband and you encourage him in those things. Rather than fault finding, become an attribute finder. Seek what is good in your husband and start to mention them to your husband. Build him up rather than tearing him down and see if that helps both of you.


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## Andy1001

Needtodecide84 said:


> I got caught both times.


So you didn’t confess until you got caught. 
TWICE. 
Yet he’s the problem?
Lady you are something else.


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## Needtodecide84

I don’t remember saying that he was the only problem. I definitely have issues to work on as well. Back to my original question. Is there hope or not?


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## sunsetmist

"I’m so disgusted with him that thought of intimacy with him makes my skin crawl."

"My fear is that I will divorce my husband and continue working on myself and once I am whole I will regret my decision.
My other fear is that I am staying too long in a toxic relationship and am negatively affecting my children and anyone else involved."


To answer your question, I can't find enough positives to engender hope. You concern with self seems to trump other issues.


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## Decorum

Hope for?

Intimacy?
Honesty?
Sympathy?
Passion?
Respect?

Oh! You mean happiness maybe?

That is setting your sights off target.

A very wise anonymous person once put this in a fortune cookie I received at a chinese buffet, "He who aims at nothing hits it every time".


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## MattMatt

Needtodecide84 said:


> I don’t remember saying that he was the only problem. I definitely have issues to work on as well. Back to my original question. Is there hope or not?


You actually did imply he was the only problem. But later you said: "Oh, yes! I cheated on him twice, but I got caught both times!"

One way you could improve the marriage would be to ensure there is no third cheating event, then take it from there, I suppose.


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## Andy1001

Needtodecide84 said:


> I don’t remember saying that he was the only problem. I definitely have issues to work on as well. Back to my original question. Is there hope or not?


Well maybe if you tried being a faithful wife your husband might have a reason to come home earlier and maybe if you treated him with something other than disdain he might have some belief that he is in a marriage worth saving. As it stands he has a serial cheat for a wife who looks on him as nothing but a paycheck and yet she seems incredulous that he doesn’t put her on a pedestal. 
As I said earlier,you are something else.


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## Cynthia

Needtodecide84 said:


> I don’t remember saying that he was the only problem. I definitely have issues to work on as well. Back to my original question. Is there hope or not?


Whether or not there is hope is based solely upon whether or not you are willing to make some major adjustments to your attitude. Are you willing to start finding the good in your husband rather than seeing him through eyes of contempt? If you cannot do that, if you aren't willing, then your marriage is doomed. But if you are willing to try a different point of view and see the value in your husband as a human being and as a man, then yes, there is hope. But as always, change starts with the one looking in the mirror. You are the one here asking, not your husband. You are the one wanting change. That means you go first. You make the change.

From what you have told us, if you begin to see how you can bless your husband by seeing and responding to the good in him, yes, there is hope.


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## Chuck71

OP..... how did your H react when he caught you in the two EAs?


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## Needtodecide84

He was really hurt and angry both times. The second time was much worse, because it was the second time. There will not be a third time. I will get a divorce before I do that to him again.
When we fight he brings it up and I’m not sure he will ever truly forgive me. Which I understand but he will do things that he knows upset me and his justification I’d “Well you cheated on me so....” basically he has a pass to do whatever he wants now.


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## Bibi1031

Needtodecide84 said:


> I don’t remember saying that he was the only problem. I definitely have issues to work on as well. Back to my original question. Is there hope or not?



No there isn't.


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## Bibi1031

Needtodecide84 said:


> He was really hurt and angry both times. The second time was much worse, because it was the second time. There will not be a third time. I will get a divorce before I do that to him again.
> When we fight he brings it up and I’m not sure he will ever truly forgive me. Which I understand but he will do things that he knows upset me and his justification I’d “Well you cheated on me so....” basically he has a pass to do whatever he wants now.


This is why there is nothing left. You were caught. He forgave with doubts, but he forgave. Then you were a repeat offender and that shattered any hope of saving this relationship. 

He is done, and what is left in him ain't healthy for the marriage. You need to be done too. We reap what we sow.


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## farsidejunky

Neither of you sound very mature.

You are completely self centered.

Your husband sounds like he escapees and/or avoids reality through work and outside activities.

He simply may not be mature enough to end your marriage, meaning you may need to be. 

Honest question, OP:

How can you stand YOURSELF knowing you are effectively using your husband? Someone upthread mentioned projection of disgust at yourself upon your husband.

Shamefully enough, I actually hope there is...because if there isn't, you have MUCH larger problems. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest

Andy1001 said:


> Needtodecide84 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I got caught both times.
> 
> 
> 
> So you didn’t confess until you got caught.
> TWICE.
> Yet he’s the problem?
> Lady you are something else.
Click to expand...

Yep

OP, you need an honest look in the mirror. Your character is seriously lacking.


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## Emerging Buddhist

There is always hope in honesty, but you may have to balance that with reality that the lack of honesty has diminished that past the point of recovery.

The reality is, I am sure your husband holds his own contempt... do you really believe your husband doesn't know you do not love him?

Your actions show it much more than you will admit in their openness to him.

How does one earn back that which was not there in the beginning?

You cannot... you must create it anew.

How would you like him to believe in you?

What honesty in your life can you act upon?

If we cannot act accurately on our own honest feelings, even if those feelings are not to our favor, we live a lie...


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## Emerging Buddhist

Nothing tears down a man than knowing the woman he married doesn't really love or respect him...
@Needtodecide84, if you cannot love or respect him for the value he brings beyond a paycheck, please let him go.

This would be kindness and selflessness if you cannot offer anything back that builds something, anything, to believe in you because the fears that keep you there are the hardest to live with.


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## turnera

Needtodecide84 said:


> We have talked and been to two counselors. He sometimes says he’s sorry for things he has done but a lot of the time he will just bring up something I have done justifying his actions. I am guilty of doing the same thing but I am trying to work on it.
> Somebody mentioned an affair. There have been no physical affairs, but two emotional/texting affairs on my part. I regret them and am in counseling to figure out why I need male attention. Even if my husband doesn’t give me attention, I should still be ok on my own but for some reason I feel like I need a man to validate me. Again I am working on this.
> My fear is that I will divorce my husband and continue working on myself and once I am whole I will regret my decision.
> My other fear is that I am staying too long in a toxic relationship and am negatively affecting my children and anyone else involved.


My fear is that you don't understand you're a selfish person and you are going to harm everyone around you in your search for personal fulfillment. Are you addressing THAT in your therapy?


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## Chuck71

Needtodecide84 said:


> He was really hurt and angry both times. The second time was much worse, because it was the second time. There will not be a third time. I will get a divorce before I do that to him again.
> When we fight he brings it up and I’m not sure he will ever truly forgive me. Which I understand but he will do things that he knows upset me and his justification I’d “Well you cheated on me so....” basically he has a pass to do whatever he wants now.


There is a very good chance he has checked out. He hasn't served you with D papers yet

because he is scared of what family court will do to him.

After either of the EAs....did you try to win bck his trust? Show remorse?


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## Cynthia

There is no point in trying to win trust back if you haven't made changes in your attitude. Until you begin to view your husband as a person of value and you look for the value in him you will not be trustworthy. You had your "emotional affairs" and then make excuses for them. The reason for an emotional affair is simple; poor character. Start by being a better person and things will begin to look up for you in your life.


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