# Confused need help



## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I don't know if I should be here seeing that I am the cheater. However I have been reading posts and I feel that I have a chance.
I have been married 20 years to a great guy. We had our ups and downs like couples do. I met someone and we were friends could talk about anything. Then one day he took it to another level and asked me out. I was shocked after all we were good friends. So we hooked up, bad move. I felt guilty because all we did was kiss. He felt it was no big deal I felt like I betrayed my WS. We kept communicating and things got heavier. I found I was neglecting my kids and WS. I constantly had my phone with me and my kids started noticing. I ended up getting an STD and blamed my husband for possibly cheating on me. He found out I was the cheater not him. I felt awful but was already way to deep to get out. I promised not to communicate with this man ever again. Unfortunately I was unable to keep my promise he is someone who I see at work occasionally. I know what I did was wrong have seen therapists and MC and nothing is changed with me.
My husband has changed 360 more attentive, loving, helpful and deeply in love with me. I need help I want my marriage to work I will do whatever is necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

*Then quit cheating on him!*


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I do drugs daily and I want to stop doing drugs. How do I go about doing it?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I don't know if I should be here seeing that I am the cheater. However I have been reading posts and I feel that I have a chance.
> I have been married 20 years to a great guy. We had our ups and downs like couples do. I met someone and we were friends could talk about anything. Then one day he took it to another level and asked me out. I was shocked after all we were good friends. So we hooked up, bad move. I felt guilty because all we did was kiss. He felt it was no big deal I felt like I betrayed my WS. We kept communicating and things got heavier. I found I was neglecting my kids and WS. I constantly had my phone with me and my kids started noticing. I ended up getting an STD and blamed my husband for possibly cheating on me. He found out I was the cheater not him. I felt awful but was already way to deep to get out. I promised not to communicate with this man ever again. Unfortunately I was unable to keep my promise he is someone who I see at work occasionally. I know what I did was wrong have seen therapists and MC and nothing is changed with me.
> My husband has changed 360 more attentive, loving, helpful and deeply in love with me. I need help I want my marriage to work I will do whatever is necessary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow...


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I know that was awful I realize. But I thought that he had cheated on me 15 years ago and I was told I had gotten an STD. I guess I had blinders on and was very stupid I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm the second cheater to post in your thread. There's no problem with you're being here as a cheater but as has been posted - if you want to stop - STOP. Is that hard to do? Yeah. But man up (if you'll pardon the expression) and do it. Then go tell your H ALL of the truth if he doesn't know it already.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I have told my husband he knows the truth and stays by my side I don't know why because I DO NOT DESERVE HIM!! But I do love him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Warlock that is why I quit my job. Out of sight out of mind!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So it sounds like your H isn't willing to enforce consequences on you for your actions - lucky you. My wife pretty much wasn't either. So not only are you cheating on him - you're taking advantage of him because he won't be mean enough to you to make you stop. Are you going to continue to push until your behavior is egregious that he does? Be warned if you do, by the time you throw him over that edge he may just decide to be gone. He wants you to do the work - he doesn't want to have to be the one to "make" you quit - he wants you to do it because you love him and it's what you want. SO DO IT DAMMIT!!! Be a big enough person to either take this gift he's trying to give you or to say you can't and cut him loose. Don't continue to cheat on him and take advantage of him.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

You know I have always been the perfect wife, mother confidant and NEVER ever did my eyes wander. Then someone appears and I am drawn to him. It hasn't been PA in a long time. But I am drawn to this person , I don't know why. If I did the puzzle would be solved. I Love my husband and family and will do whatever it takes to stop what is ruining our family
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How was your sex life before the infidelity?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you still talk to him?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> You know I have always been the perfect wife, mother confidant and NEVER ever did my eyes wander. Then someone appears and I am drawn to him. It hasn't been PA in a long time. But I am drawn to this person , I don't know why. If I did the puzzle would be solved. I Love my husband and family *and will do whatever it takes to stop what is ruining our family*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what's the question? Turn your back on whoever this someone is - never ever let yourself talk to this person again and focus on your husband.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I did that is how I got caught
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

In your first post you said OM is someone you see at work,present tense.In a following post you say you already quit your job to stop contact.I'm a little confused on that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she got caught again. Did the affair stop or did it continue?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

You need to figure out if you really want to save your marriage...NC needs to happen right away, then you start the process of working on your marriage, and to be honest, it might not work out....Infidelity is a tough one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Every time you cheat/ed on your husband you cheat your kids and yourself, too.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

The affair stopped
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I gave my resignation and will have NC I may see him at work but hopefully will not .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I realize that now I did not then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What is the problem you are having now? 

You keep thinking about the other man and are tempted to contact him? 

You are "in love" with the other man but you are "i love you but am not in love with you" with your husband? 

You want suggestions on how to be "in love" with your husband and not with the other man?

If you have ended contact with the other man and are working on your marriage, why are you asking for help in saving your marriage? What aspect of saving your marriage do you need help with?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Brain cramp! After reading your posts, I am now confused and need help??????


Ya,maybe if she quotes when she replies it would be easier to follow.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Sorry to confuse you I work with him and our schedules sometimes overlap. But... I am resigning and will no longer work with him. I should have done this a long time ago but thought that I could control my emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> So it sounds like your H isn't willing to enforce consequences on you for your actions - lucky you. My wife pretty much wasn't either. So not only are you cheating on him - you're taking advantage of him because he won't be mean enough to you to make you stop. Are you going to continue to push until your behavior is egregious that he does? Be warned if you do, by the time you throw him over that edge he may just decide to be gone. He wants you to do the work - he doesn't want to have to be the one to "make" you quit - he wants you to do it because you love him and it's what you want. SO DO IT DAMMIT!!! Be a big enough person to either take this gift he's trying to give you or to say you can't and cut him loose. Don't continue to cheat on him and take advantage of him.


Well Said! :smthumbup:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to stop going to work as of yesterday---If you resigned---for the sake of your kids, if not your H---you need to be out of your workplace now

NC---means NC---your lover does not exist to you in any way, shape, or form

Unfortunately---your H., isn't really helping his own situation---he has given you little or nothing in the way of actionable consequences, so you are basically getting away with what you did---and will skate----SO

For the sake of your kids, even tho you are somewhat less of a mother for what you have already done, at least try to again become a good mother----you need to stop, cuz if you do not, one of these days, your H., might wake up, become a man---and it will be your kids that suffer---as in possible D, split homes, parents miserable to each other, you having to work 2 jobs to make ends meet, and still try and give your kids a good life

In other words, WHY THE F. ARE YOU PUTTING THIS SCUMBAG PIECE OF CRAP LOVER OF YOURS AHEAD OF YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD CHILDREN----Is that plain enuff for you???????


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If your husband kicked you out into the street like you deserve, you would fall back in love with him instantly. His inability and refusal to impose well deserved sanctions against you is the reason you have no respect for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I posted here because I knew you all would be able to help me. Even though it would hurt to hear what is being said. Why did I cheat?? Honestly I don't know why. ,Maybe it was boredom.I just want my life back and my H, but now he is the one that will be making the decision for me. Which scares me to death. I was not open and honest for the last 9 months I continued to lie. I never was a liar until this started a year ago. Leaving my job is Huge for me I have been there 16 years. But it has to be done. I gave my boss 4 weeks notice out of respect for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Why did I cheat?? Honestly I don't know why. ,Maybe it was boredom.*

Well, at least now you're not bored.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I posted here because I knew you all would be able to help me. Even though it would hurt to hear what is being said. Why did I cheat?? Honestly I don't know why. ,Maybe it was boredom.I just want my life back and my H, but now he is the one that will be making the decision for me. Which scares me to death. I was not open and honest for the last 9 months I continued to lie. I never was a liar until this started a year ago. Leaving my job is Huge for me I have been there 16 years. But it has to be done. I gave my boss 4 weeks notice out of respect for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So now you're putting your boss ahead of your husband and marriage.

I think in reality you're hiding behind your boss and trying to drag out your time at work so you can have more contact with the OM.

Be honest with yourself and everyone else. If you really want your marriage - then explain the situation to your boss - and leave tomorrow. Not in 4 weeks.

Chose to put your marriage as your first priority.

---

BTW - great guy you picked to have an affair with. Looser has an STD, Looser pursues married women, LOOSER doesn't care that he ruins families with children, LOOSER doesn't care he gives you and your husband an STD.

Also, guess how LOOSER got the STD. From sleep with sleazy cheat trashy women who have STDs. 

So your dream guy is real winner there. Better get tested down the road for HIV as well because he just might have also given that to you and your husband. Trouble is it doesn't show up on tests right away, so you need to wait months before you can take the test.

----

Have you and your husband exposed the OM to any wife/gf dump enough to be with him?

Has the affair been exposed at work to HR and other employees so they know to stay clear of the POSOM so as not to also get the gift of his STD?

----

Other than your husband standing by your side - has he treated you cheating like a doormat - or has he stood up to your lies and imposed consequences on you?

I suspect the fact that you so easily continued lying and cheating - that he took the doormat/sweep it under the rug approach, including blaming himself for being an awful husband that drove you to cheat.

I suggest you get him on this site, and get him some support to grow a spine and to learn that the affair and lies was 100% your choice, and there isn't a single thing that he did that caused the affair. 

That instead of blaming himself, he should rightfully be blaming you, AND he should be imposing strict consequences on you.

such as: 
Having all your passwords, 
access to your phone, 
access to all your messages - past and present - 
you are not allowed to delete messages until he says you can.
ZERO tollerance for any new contact of any kind with the OM. You contact him, you take your bag and leave.

If your husband has done anything wrong here, it's not holding you accountable for betraying him and continuing to do it.

He mistakenly thinks that being loving and kind will win you back, but he's seen the results of that. You've lost respect for him, and your desire is the POSOM who infected you with an STD.

Think about that, you actually prefer a slime ball guy who has given you an STD over your husband. 

Your husband needs to think about that too and it should make him angry, very very angry. Hopefully his anger will give him strength to standup to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You want to help your husband? 

then get him a list of consequences to impose upon you.

get him on this forum to tell his side of the story and have the members here help him understand that R doesn't mean he has to rollover, rugsweep and hope you don't continue to cheat. 

He needs to know there are things he can do for him and the kids to protect them from you choosing to cheat more, and there are ways to hold you accountable for your choice to cheat.

1. Have you told your husband the OM's details an contact info.
2. Have you written an NC no contact letter, showed it to your husband and then sent it?
3. Have you exposed the affair to the OMs circle - including wife/gf OR are you continuing to put the OM ahead of your husand?
4. Expose it at work to so other woman and husbands know the OMs a cheating POSOM
5. Expose to your family and close friends so they know what your husband and family are dealing with and can provide them support.
6. hand over all passwords 
7. report where you are and how long are you going to be there etc. At all times.
8. No friendships with men for you. None.
9. No girls nights out for you.
10. No private vacations/get aways for you
11. No more secrecy or privacy for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You cheated you husband, you were bored in your present marriage, you are hurting as your POSOM is not banging you now, you wanted to be with him.........Then what is the problem here? D your husband go and live with your soul mate. What are you afraid off?

Is it because OM needs only some flesh to stick his Dik and not interested in a relationship with you?


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Shaggy my H knows details of the affair. He contacted OM and his wife. I have Not written a NC letter but I need to now
My H reads this forum but is not a member. I hope he joins so he can tell his side. I DON'T want a D but it is out of my hands. My family knows but not his. I am here because I have Hope. I appreciate the candor and the truth. Even though it makes me cry realizing how I F D up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

It does not sound like marriage is for you. Have you considered divorcing and letting your H have the kids(if you have some)?
Serioudly, marriage is not for everyone and you sound as if you are not cut out for it.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I have been married 24 years on Monday and most of it was happy. Marriage is for me!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> I have been married 24 years on Monday and most of it was happy. Marriage is for me!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay. But, how can your H ever relax and be happy again? You have shown him he is secoond choice.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

He IS NOT my second choice!!! I made a bad decision maybe it's a Midlife Crisis I don't know. But what I do know is that I love him and will do ANYTHING to make this work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to expose the OM at work including coming clean to hr.

This guy didn't likely get the STD from his wife, so he is no doubt hooking up with other women currently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

He is a doc and there is no sexual harassment this was consensual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> He IS NOT my second choice!!! I made a bad decision maybe it's a Midlife Crisis I don't know. But what I do know is that I love him and will do ANYTHING to make this work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What on earth are you talking about? Mid life crisis? WTF is that? 

And, are you serious that you have never lied before in your life? That is unbelievable. 

And, how did you come up with the idea of trying to convince your that he had given you a STD? Doesn't tht seem a little over the op/sadistic? Do you rally thin a mid life crisis could caause something as abusive as that?

I think you need to really take a look at yourself and how you have lived your entire life.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I have to ask you what in the world did you think would happen when you engaged in a sexual affair and put your husband at risk for STD's and made him look like a fool? Surely just because you were bored you must have realized that in all likelihood you were destroying your marriage.

If the roles were reversed and your husband engaged in a sexual affair for months behind your back and giving you an STD on top of it; do you think you would be so accepting and forgiving as your husband? In addition, telling your husband you did it because you were bored is sad. Not only did you have absolutely no respect for your husband but you did not even bother to demand protection and ended up giving your husband an STD. You are self-destructive and your actions showed in reality how little you cared about your husband and your marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

saveourmarriage you need to implement the life changes that Shaggy mentioned, and you need seriously intensive personal counseling 2x a week for the distant future. Somewhere along the line you lost your way, and you need to know why you made the decisions you made.

And yes, "Midlife Crisis" is a phrase you do not want to use around these parts. We betrayed spouses have heard this phrase (which has no scientific substantiation by the way) used far too often to excuse bad behavior and retraction of personal boundaries.

I believe you feel guilty for what you did. Now you need to translate that into true remorse for the humiliation and pain your husband is suffering. He puts on a smile because he doesn't want to lose you. He's a "Nice Guy" and that is why you lack respect for him. He needs to learn to be his own self-validating man. I suspect your OM was not a "nice guy" hence your attraction to him.

Have your husband log onto

No More Mr. Nice Guy

There is a free book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" that he needs to read and implement in his life. It will change his way of living his life and in addition, it will make him more attractive to you. Trust me.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> saveourmarriage you need to implement the life changes that Shaggy mentioned, and you need seriously intensive personal counseling 2x a week for the distant future. Somewhere along the line you lost your way, and you need to know why you made the decisions you made.
> 
> And yes, "Midlife Crisis" is a phrase you do not want to use around these parts. We betrayed spouses have heard this phrase (which has no scientific substantiation by the way) used far too often to excuse bad behavior and retraction of personal boundaries.
> 
> ...


Doesn't Glover recommend doing the no more nice guy deal without your spouse's knowledge, so it appear this is all coming from within? I seem to recall reading that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Doesn't Glover recommend doing the no more nice guy deal without your spouse's knowledge, so it appear this is all coming from within? I seem to recall reading that.


True, but its not a hard and fast rule. In this case it would enhance their marriage if he would step up and take control for a while. Right now she is in control of R, and she is not capable.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So you are screwing a Dr., who has a STD, and passes it on,---and who runs around screwing married women, with kids----

---HEY EVERYONE,---do you think maybe he should be reported to the state medical board

It don't matter if it was consensual---his oath I am sure does not allow him to do what he did

Stop giving us this crap, about you owe your boss----THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU OWE, ARE YOUR KIDS, AND YOUR H.----NOT ONE OTHER PERSON ON THIS PLANET MATTERS----what do you NOT understand about that.

Tues. call your boss, tell her you are coming in to pick up your belongings---have a family member with you---AND THAT IS THAT-----or are you gonna give us more excuses to continue to gaze, and think about, and visit with your POS, Scum lover.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

saveourmarriage said:


> He IS NOT my second choice!!! I made a bad decision maybe it's a Midlife Crisis I don't know. But what I do know is that I love him and will do ANYTHING to make this work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to respond to your posts as one female disloyal person to another female disloyal person. I know that in a way right now you may not consciously understand "why" you cheated on your husband, but I can also say as someone who's been through it that you do know...you just maybe don't want to say it out loud. But let me give you an example:

My Dear Hubby and I have seven children. We *LOVE* kids, having kids, and raising kids; they make a house feel like a full, loving home. Well as we got on the older end, I had a pregnancy and was really excited, and sadly I miscarried. We both mourned. Next after some medical appointments and whatnot we found out that we could no longer conceive kids, and again we both mourned... but I tend to be a person who wants to share it with him...and he tends to be a person who wants to pull in and think about it and then feel better. This felt like rejection to me but I didn't communicate that. Then shortly thereafter he hit some middle age kind of changes and I began hitting some peri-menopause kinds of changes...and our sex life changed. It didn't END, but it did change and again I felt like it was a rejection. See how things kind of started piling up but rather than talking about it...I assumed I knew he was rejecting me! Next, we are both gamer people and love playing all different kinds of games together, but he started doing a lot of games by himself. I'd try to get his attention and try to jump in with him, but he was distracted (part of the way he "thinks through" things is playing) and again I took that as a rejection and it felt to me as if I would stand naked next to him, set myself on fire, and he still wouldn't see me. 

My "solution" to that was to say, "Well I guess if he's gonna play, I will too" and I had a little game that I enjoyed that he really didn't. See how my affair started with some bad assumptions, some hurt feelings, and then one small bad decision? What I didn't realize is that by doing something with my life that was moreso like "excluding" my Dear Hubby, I was trying to fill the missing attention and not feel rejected...so I was setting my own self up! I didn't want to be too old to not be able to have children (but of course, see how that means I was trying to avoid facing reality?). I was also trying to be noticed by someone and be wanted. Now at the time I was thinking I would be wanted for my game-legal skills or certain gaming abilities I had, but nonetheless it was the slippery slope of being vulnerable AND looking to someone else other than my spouse to fill a need. 

Would you identify the reasons for my affair or label those reasons as a "mid-life crisis"? Maybe. But the real life truth is that 1) I made some assumptions and didn't ask. 2) I did not communicate what *I* was thinking and feeling. 3) I turned to something else other than the person to whom I'd made a promise in order to have the need of "being noticed" met. That directly set me up to cross a little line here, cross another line there, and gradually decay my moral code. After some folks noticed my gaming skills it was only a matter of time until one guy--somewhat of a player--noticed my need to be appreciated and realized "Hey if I pour it on a little, I bet I can get into her pants" and dangled the bait. BAM, like a fish I was hooked and it was all over just like for the fish once that hook is sunk in. 

Soooo, having read about my situation, can you see how it wasn't necessarily conscious but how it happened? Can you see how it might be labeled "mid-life crisis" but really that doesn't explain it or cover it--that's kind of like a cop out? In real life when your loyal spouse asks you "Why?" what they want to know is not a sort of lame "well it was kind of a mid-life crisis thing" but they want to know: "What did I do? What can I change so I can protect myself so this never happens again?" When someone is raped, they often will start wearing baggy clothes that cover up to their eyeballs...because its one of their ways of coping with the pain--protecting themselves so it doesn't happen again. It's one of the ways they can take back control of their life and start to feel safe again. Well...same here!! When a loyal spouse asks "Why?" or wants to talk about consequences or stuff, what they are usually saying is "What can I do to be sure this will never, EVER happen again? How can I feel safe again? What are you going to do to show me it won't happen again?" Saying you don't know why it happened means "It may happen again because I don't know why it did this time and since I don't know, I didn't change anything." "You won't feel safe because it happened for no reason. You'll always be risking this much hurt again." "I'm not doing anything to protect you from hurting like this again, because there's no reason it happened." 

Can you IMAGINE hearing that? 

Sooooo...it's fairly important to be honest and open, even to yourself, about WHY it happened. At first, you're reasons may sound like blaming your spouse and may have some of that "rewriting of history to justify your affair," but try to dig through that to the truth and find out where you went wrong. 

Then looking at my story as an example, see where ONE of the places I went wrong was assuming? So I've told my Dear Hubby about WHY...and realized that one thing I can do to make our marriage stronger and to protect him from being hurt like this again is to learn how to be brave and talk to him about what I assume. Now sometimes you don't know you're assuming and you have to sort of periodically check yourself...and then once you're aware you've assumed something you might feel scared to say it. BUT part of what can heal you and your marriage is if your spouse knows that you see where you went wrong AND you can tell your spouse the steps you're going to take to do something different. Nowadays I will check with my Dear Hubby: "You know, it kind of seems like *this* to me. Is that what you mean? Is that what you wanted me to think or feel?" and I check my assumption. Or I'll tell my Dear Hubby, "Okay I have something to tell you that is hard for me to say so I'm going to blub it out there and then we can get the talk started, okay? Here we go: <just say it quick before I stop myself>" 

So in conclusion, when Shaggy suggests to you that you make a list of the consequences you're willing to offer your spouse, what he really means is what I'm talking about here. What you're saying to your spouse is 1) I see where I went wrong. I did x and y and z. 2) Since I see where I went wrong, I see that I should have done a and b and c. 3) Since I can see I should have done a and b and c, here's my plan how I'm going to start actually DOING a and DOING b and DOING c!!

Some very typical stuff that shows you see where you went wrong and how you're going to fix it and protect your spouse is the list that Shaggy posted, but for reference here's the way I say them: 

1. I volunteer to open up and show you every way that the OP used to contact me (email, IM chats, cell phone, etc.).
2. I volunteer to give you all the OP's contact details (like address etc.) so I'm protecting YOU and not the OP.
3. I volunteer to put something in writing, that you see first, and that we send TOGETHER, that takes responsibility for what I did and completely and utterly ends all contact with the OP forever with no regret and no blaming you.
4. I volunteer to tell the truth to the OP's spouse or significant other so their spouse or significant other can protect THEMSELVES and as an additional way to ensure we will never EVER recontact. 
5. I volunteer to no longer hide this affair and to help you get the support you need and deserve. When people at work or family members ask "What's wrong with him?" I will tell them it is ME and not you...and encourage them to support you as you struggle to deal with it. (Bear in mind, some folks are introverts and may find that having everyone-and-their-mother know more hurtful rather than helpful. Sooo...the deal here is that you give your spouse what they need to help them deal with the mess YOU made. If that's telling some close family, then be honest with the close family about what you did and encourage that close family to help him. Take responsibility and protect them.)
6. I volunteer to open up my mouth and talk even when it is scary to tell you the truth, and even when I'm afraid you won't like "the real me" if you see it.
7. I volunteer to let you look at any of my email, chat, cell phone, forums or anything so you can see what I'm saying to others and there is nothing hidden from you. [Just a note to you here--there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy=closing the door when you go to the bathroom...it's like modesty but there's no deception involved and no misleading. Secrecy=purposely hiding things from other so there is definitely misleading and deceptive. In a marriage, there can be no secrecy by either spouse!!]
8. I volunteer to live with the fact that it may feel like I'm being watched/controlled for a little while, because I acted in a way that warrants being watched! So I volunteer to let you know where I'll be and when and with who, and I volunteer to let you verify that I am where I said I'd be, verify that I arrived when I said I would and left when I said I would, and I was there with the people I said would be there...that I didn't hide someone's attendance or leave early and have "unaccounted for" time. 
9. I volunteer to put protecting you ahead of my "rights" as an individual. Yes people do need some "me time" now and then, but because of the way I acted, I've forfeited my "me time" for a while because my duty to protect you is greater! So for a while, I volunteer to forego "Girls' Nite Out" or going out on my own to anything. I agree to put a wall around my own self, voluntarily, and have no male friends or acquaintances or ANYTHING without you being expressly involved. I agree to include you in everything I do and think and feel, and I agree to this voluntarily. I volunteer to do everything together as a couple and to wait until you agree with me enthusiastically before I do anything. I agree to always consider YOU and how it will affect YOU before I do anything. 

NOW...can you see how those things would reassure a loyal spouse? It would mean you see where you went wrong AND it would mean you are taking definite steps to protect them and even put a wall of protection around the marriage!!!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> If your husband kicked you out into the street like you deserve, you would fall back in love with him instantly. His inability and refusal to impose well deserved sanctions against you is the reason you have no respect for him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree that he hasn't imposed any consequences....but I will say that the extreme isn't good as well. My ex was so harsh and extreme that I never really fell back in love with him...I just saw as a vindicive jerk, there has to be a middle ground, whatever that might be.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

working_together said:


> I agree that he hasn't imposed any consequences....but I will say that the extreme isn't good as well. My ex was so harsh and extreme that I never really fell back in love with him...I just saw as a vindicive jerk, there has to be a middle ground, whatever that might be.


I agree a middle ground yes. Right now he's been completely passive by the sound of it.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> Shaggy my H knows details of the affair. He contacted OM and his wife. I have Not written a NC letter but I need to now
> My H reads this forum but is not a member. I hope he joins so he can tell his side. I DON'T want a D but it is out of my hands. My family knows but not his. I am here because I have Hope. I appreciate the candor and the truth. Even though it makes me cry realizing how I F D up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not out of your hands, you have a say in if your marriage will succeed. You need to be transparent with your husband 100 per cent, it will be hard, but he needs to know that you are trust worthy. You also need to demonstrate that you are remorseful (if you are), and are willing to try to make it up to him....it's not "out of your hands".

But don't drag it out if it's too hard for you, you're only hurting him.

4 week notice is too long. Explain there is a personal sitch. and give maybe a week. During that time you will have to be even more transparent, install a var in your car etc. Ask your H what he expects from you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I don't know if I should be here seeing that I am the cheater. However I have been reading posts and I feel that I have a chance.
> I have been married 20 years to a great guy. We had our ups and downs like couples do. I met someone and we were friends could talk about anything. Then one day he took it to another level and asked me out. I was shocked after all we were good friends. So we hooked up, bad move. I felt guilty because all we did was kiss. He felt it was no big deal I felt like I betrayed my WS. We kept communicating and things got heavier. I found I was neglecting my kids and WS. I constantly had my phone with me and my kids started noticing. I ended up getting an STD and blamed my husband for possibly cheating on me. He found out I was the cheater not him. I felt awful but was already way to deep to get out. I promised not to communicate with this man ever again. Unfortunately I was unable to keep my promise he is someone who I see at work occasionally. I know what I did was wrong have seen therapists and MC and nothing is changed with me.
> My husband has changed 360 more attentive, loving, helpful and deeply in love with me. I need help I want my marriage to work I will do whatever is necessary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can I ask - other than cheat and falsely tell he gave you an STD - what have YOU done for your husband?

Have you expose the OM at work?

Have you made your husband your #1 priority in life?

Have you shown your kids you value you marriage?


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

You know we both went to counseling and iit did not help. I don't know why . I wish I had the answer I really do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

working_together said:


> I agree that he hasn't imposed any consequences....but I will say that the extreme isn't good as well. My ex was so harsh and extreme that I never really fell back in love with him...I just saw as a vindicive jerk, there has to be a middle ground, whatever that might be.


But if I remember right your husband was a vindictive jerk before your affair.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Affair care u hit the nail on the head. Never dated much slept with one person my husband. Had a very sheltered life miss goody to shoes . Got married had 3 kids and life went on. I feel as though my husband never respected me or my decisions I am an ER nurse. I felt he was very controlling never felt like I had a say in anything. This was my life for 23 years . I was the good wife. Never strayed EVER! About 20 years ago I got an infection my husband had to be treated I thought it was an STD. I said nothing and continued on with my life.
Several years ago er had a new ER Doc. He was really nice got along great gave me what I needed treated my kids for free. 
Told him I had a bad mothers day felt unappreciated well that's All he needed .Offered to buy me a SPA. Told my H said u r a big girl handle it!!! That pissed me off how DARE my H to tell me to handle this wen someone is after me. I could not believe it I was in SHOCK!!! So I told OM no not a good idea. Well he started coming on to me in a big way. I was flattered. Started texting 
me on the day of his anniversary I told him to go back to his Wife and leave me alone. Well he persisted and Won!!! And here I am. I total complete MESS!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Okay. So your husband drove you into the arms of another man? Or is that just how you have rewritten the history of your marriage? If that were the truth, why would you break it off with Dr. Wonderful and go back to the controlling jerk husband?

See where I'm going with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

He is not like that. We just did not communicate that was the problem. He is not Mr. Wonderful I realize I was stupid and regret what I have done to my H and kids. That us why I am here for help..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Bandit He is not a controlling H. That was my misinterpretation. . We just did not communicate hardly. He has changed 360 degrees very attentive loving caring and compassionate.
I love my husband no marriage is perfect I know that. But it was pretty good before all this started. I just want my life back. U know I stopped going to church because I did not feel worthy. Last week I finally went back. I feel that this is a NIGHTMARE that I have created.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Because I thought my husband gave me the STD made me upset. But in reality HE NEVER DID. Once again it was lack of communication on my part
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You held great resentment against your husband for years - the belief that he had an affair years ago and his cavalier attitude when another man was hitting on his wife. It definitely played a big part in your choice to cheat because it gave you the much needed justification - he doesn't care and has no respect for me - to continue having contact with the OM before DDay.

Resentment and bitterness are toxic twin demons and the sooner you make the conscious choice to exorcise them from your heart, the sooner you will start healing from past hurts. It is not easy but if you keep at it, eventually they will leave you.

Lastly, use your new found awareness that communicating is essential to the health of your marriage, and do it on a daily basis. It is easy to fall back into the same old habits that helped to contribute to the affair. You and your husband may want to purchase and read together *His Needs, Her Needs* and *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful*. The marriage you had before your affair is gone forever but it doesn't mean that a new marriage cannot rise from the ashes of the old. I wish you and your husband the best of luck in your individual and marital recovery.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK---so now we have some reasons, why's--etc, etc

I still wanna know, are you gonna go into work, tomorrow, tues, whenever---get your belongings, and not go back----you are still seeing your lover at work, so there is no, NC

You have to leave your job YESTERDAY----iT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THE ER, MAY BE IN A BIND---YOUR KIDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT, than all the patients that will ever walk thru that ER door.

It is extremely hard to go cold turkey on an A, if you are away from your lover,and DO have NC---you on the other hand still have contact---so you are accomplishing nothing!!!!!!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> He is not like that. We just did not communicate that was the problem. He is not Mr. Wonderful I realize I was stupid and regret what I have done to my H and kids. That us why I am here for help..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never fully grasp how intelligent people,such as yourself,choose to cause the biggest problem in their marriage as an answer to problems in the marriage.Hope you can get back on track and just because the counselor didn't help doesn't mean there isn't one who can.Do some research and find someone who has some credible experience dealing with infidelity.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You didn't answer my last questions.

Did you expose the cheating O.m at work so as to help other married women heis obviously praying on

What have you done to earn a second chance with your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I will be leaving in 2 weeks time instead of a month you all are right about that and I thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Shaggy I have not exposed him at work but my H is from what I found out tonight. Yes my kids know that I value our marriage and my husband. I love my husband an am there for him. Right now he does not want any part of me. I don't blame him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

TBT I told my H we need counseling but since the other ones did not help he is hesitant at this time. I was seeing someone and she suggested D. That is not what I want and she was not send ing me down the right path.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So you carried on the affair for 9 more months after the first time? What were you justifying it in your mind? What were you thinking? Don't say "I don't know" Be honest.

Would you leave if the OM would take you in permanently?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know the OM is likely doing other women at work right? And he is grooming new victims along the way. So his STD sharing days are still very much alive. You should view exposing him as a public health service.

Btw. Have hubby post him on chearterville.com along with the details of the STD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You and your husband share 50% of the responsibility for the state of your marriage but you are 100% responsible for your choice to have the affair. Look for a pro-marriage counselor, one that will hold you accountable for your affair and not blame your husband for it. One that can help the two of you the tools to give each other what you need from the other. If there is mutual willingness, the two of you can transcend the ordeal of infidelity.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you made sure you have offered everything to hubby you did with the POSOM!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Shaggy thanks to this forum my H Is going to expose OM to HR. However he will be exposing me too. I will be totally humiliated by all my peers if this gets out. I know I did this to myself,,,,,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Yes he knows what a ***** his wife was, if that is what you mean,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> However he will be exposing me too. I will be totally humiliated by all my peers if this gets out.


This does not even begin to compare to the kind of humiliation you put your husband through.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What Shaggy meant is that many times a wife will do sexual acts with the OM that she would never do with her husband. When this happens, it can have a very negative effect on any possible marital recovery.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I know the OM is not someone I would leave my H for never. I thought he loved me. *But his texts were not the has your day text if u know what I mean.* I was out of control. I did not like the person I had become.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know what you mean..Did you mean sexting?


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Warlock yes sexting, and I am not proud of what Ihave done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

morituri said:


> What Shaggy meant is that many times a wife will do sexual acts with the OM that she would never do with her husband. When this happens, it can have a very negative effect on any possible marital recovery.


No nothing different as far as sexual acts and my BH knows all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So you are ok with the H exposing you at work? Depending on the state, he can sue the hospital for alientation of affection. Did the major part of the affair take place in the hospital?

You seem to be in lot of panic and anxiety. Maybe you should get checked up.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I have to ask you what in the world did you think would happen when you engaged in a sexual affair and put your husband at risk for STD's and made him look like a fool? Surely just because you were bored you must have realized that in all likelihood you were destroying your marriage.
> 
> If the roles were reversed and your husband engaged in a sexual affair for months behind your back and giving you an STD on top of it; do you think you would be so accepting and forgiving as your husband? In addition, telling your husband you did it because you were bored is sad. Not only did you have absolutely no respect for your husband but you did not even bother to demand protection and ended up giving your husband an STD. You are self-destructive and your actions showed in reality how little you cared about your husband and your marriage.


You are absolutely right what was I thinking.? It was not just boredom I was very attracted to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> So you are ok with the H exposing you at work? Depending on the state, he can sue the hospital for alientation of affection. Did the major part of the affair take place in the hospital?
> 
> You seem to be in lot of panic and anxiety. Maybe you should get checked up.


Of course I am in panic mode what do you think?????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> So you are ok with the H exposing you at work?


Haven't answered this bit.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

morituri said:


> You and your husband share 50% of the responsibility for the state of your marriage but you are 100% responsible for your choice to have the affair. Look for a pro-marriage counselor, one that will hold you accountable for your affair and not blame your husband for it. One that can help the two of you the tools to give each other what you need from the other. If there is mutual willingness, the two of you can transcend the ordeal of infidelity.


I will do that, because the other ones just did not work at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Haven't answered this bit.


Not really , NO a little freaked out OK.?.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Warlock how can I be OK with this seriously. My reputation as a nurse will be tarnished FOREVER! I am a nervous wreck tbh that is why I am on here. I can't sleep, eat or even think clearly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What purpose does your H think the exposure will serve?(Assuming he did not already) Have you discussed his motivations? You do not want additional resentments while trying to repair a broken marriage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I will do that, because the other ones just did not work at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


they didn't because you weren't into it. You are an adult. Take responsibility


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

HE wants to get him fired. I told him to not send the letter until my last day at work. He wants to say that this doc had sexual relations with a nurse on hospital property. I know I should have told my H about having intimacy at work. But I NEVER thought he would do this..EVER? My H allowed me to work with this person even after the affair. That was a big mistake on my part. I thought we could still be friends. it wen we would chat it would always turn sexual. I did not quite understand why? But now I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

If the fact that a doctor is infected and is spreading an STD at hospital premises comes out, quite possibly hell will break loose.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

An ER nurse and a MD engage in practices that cause the nurse to contract an STD? WHere did you guys get your training?
Then, the nurse accuses her husband of givng her an STD? 

Okay, remind me never to treat at your facility.

Seriously, though, this is one of the most incredible stories I have come across in a while, particularly the accusing the husband aspect. I mean, really, that is way over the top cruel.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> An ER nurse and a MD engage in practices that cause the nurse to contract an STD? WHere did you guys get your training?
> Then, the nurse accuses her husband of givng her an STD?
> 
> Okay, remind me never to treat at your facility.
> ...


I know I did not realize what I was doing at the time. If I could turn the clocks back I would, but I can't !,, I will regret this for the rest of my life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Have you looked at that marriagebuilders site? The owner claims high success rates for reconciling.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Yes we both did my sister had an affair and I tried to help her through that site. I want to R but I know he is not ready. I know that he is hurting more than I can begin to imagine,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I'm confused, initially you said he was loving and attentive and now "he doesn't want any part" of you. What happened recently?


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

He found out I contacted him and is very angry and hurt. He was awesome in every way. Went on vac with kids had a blast. Went back to work and here I am, contacted him again my H had spyware and I got caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did your husband get the disease too? Is it of the treatable variety?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Well I guess that's to come with rugsweeping and not imposing any consequences for the affair. 

Despite that, I don't think the Dr will lose his job over this, he might face some disciplinary action but seeing as this wasn't a sexual harassment issue and you both went into this consensually, he'll probably get a few stern words from management. The only exposure you should do would be to the boss that you're close with and you definitely need to get transferred.

What I don't understand however is why you went back to him after he gave you an STD, surely you should've seen him for the sleazebag that he is, he could've given you something fatal. It's clear that you're weren't the only woman he was messing around with.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I know I did not realize what I was doing at the time. If I could turn the clocks back I would, but I can't !,, I will regret this for the rest of my life!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What a cop out. It is not my intention to bash you further than what people here already have but your H will need a better explanation than that. He was living and talking with you everyday of these 9 months. You cannot explain it away with "I did not realize it". And it was after your first D-day. 

Brutal honesty here. Did you hope to keep seeing the OM on the side for some more time?




> Told him I had a bad mothers day felt unappreciated well that's All he needed .Offered to buy me a SPA. Told my H said u r a big girl handle it!!! That pissed me off how DARE my H to tell me to handle this wen someone is after me. I could not believe it I was in SHOCK!!! So I told OM no not a good idea. Well he started coming on to me in a big way. I was flattered. Started texting
> me on the day of his anniversary I told him to go back to his Wife and leave me alone. Well he persisted and Won!!! And here I am. I total complete MESS!!!!!!!


Attention like in many other cases !!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> He found out I contacted him and is very angry and hurt. He was awesome in every way. Went on vac with kids had a blast. Went back to work and here I am, contacted him again my H had spyware and I got caught.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


S.O.M.

And now your loving, forgiving, non-controlling husband who is a great father to your children has finally become the pissed off battered spouse you were looking for......

No matter what happens between you, the OM, your job and your marriage you need to remember it is now all your fault.

*Why???? Because you broke your husbands trust and renewed contact with the OM.*

You just had to go there.

If I were you I would backup your husband when he goes to HR. Because if you do not it will not only cost you your job and reputation but most likely your marriage.

You have pushed your husband too far.

You both need counselling if you are ever going to save your marriage.

And for God's sake stop contacting the OM because his marriage is blowing up too! Worry about your own state of affairs and family too.

Your entire family is in my prayers today. You certainly need them.


I will pray that you receive inner strength to make the right decisions.
I will pray that you recognize your husband for the battered spouse that he has become and that you will use your energy to renew his love, faith and trust in you again.
I will pray that you come to realize that your marriage and family mean more to you and your self esteem than any flash in the pants attractive posom (doctor).
I will pray that you backup your husband and help guide him through the decisions he is now making to bring back order to his life.
I will pray for your husband that he can learn to forgive you some day and love you again like he used too.

Good Luck S.O.M.,

HM64


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> Yes we both did my sister had an affair and I tried to help her through that site. I want to R but I know he is not ready. I know that he is hurting more than I can begin to imagine,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is interesting.

If I may ask, has adultery been an issue in your family? Were one of your parents adulterous? Interesting that you and your sister both engaged in this. Might be something to look at in counseling.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> This is interesting.
> 
> If I may ask, has adultery been an issue in your family? Were one of your parents adulterous? Interesting that you and your sister both engaged in this. Might be something to look at in counseling.


I think my dad cheated on my mom. I know I have serious issues that is why I am here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> S.O.M.
> 
> And now your loving, forgiving, non-controlling husband who is a great father to your children has finally become the pissed off battered spouse you were looking for......
> 
> ...


Thank you. For what it's worth I went to confession yesterday and started to return to the church . I felt I was not worthy of going so i just stopped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

S.O.M. your husband is experiencing what is called the emotional roller-coaster and to top it of he's also dealing with the mind movies of you and the OM naked and having sex. One day he feels like there is hope that your infidelity can be survived and another day when he feels he can no longer stand being married to you. You may want to consider pleading to him to go see his doctor to get him on AD (anti-depressants). They obviously won't make the roller-coaster and mind movies go away but they may lessen the emotional impact they have on him, like it has for a lot of us here.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

morituri said:


> S.O.M. your husband is experiencing what is called the emotional roller-coaster and to top it of he's also dealing with the mind movies of you and the OM naked and having sex. One day he feels like there is hope that your infidelity can be survived and another day when he feels he can no longer stand being married to you. You may want to consider pleading to him to go see his doctor to get him on AD (anti-depressants). They obviously won't make the roller-coaster and mind movies go away but they may lessen the emotional impact they have on him, like it has for a lot of us here.


I told him to post on this forum I think it will help him. It is helping me see the reality of what I have done to him and to my family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Imagine there is a screen in your brain, and on that screen is a film of your husband banging another woman.... and the movie never ends, it just keeps going and going. 

Your husband will be enduring every time he closes his eyes for the next year or so, and then intermittently for the next five.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> I know I did not realize what I was doing at the time. If I could turn the clocks back I would, but I can't !,, I will regret this for the rest of my life!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You knew what your were doing at the time, don't use that as a cop out. You knew you were sleeping with another man, you knew you were not using protection......you didn't care.

I've bee where you are, it ain't pretty, you can't justify any of your sh*t, you need to deal with the WHY, so you don't do this ever again.....seriously, would you want to put your husband through this again, or any other person???


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, so you had been caught, where in R and you broke no contact. Hubby had worked hard to forgive you, then went on a rebonding vacation with you, only to find he was in false R with you.Good fir your husband catching you, because clearly you were headed back into the OMs arms, it was just a matter of him working on you more. Let me guess OM is an honorable man who really cared about your problems, the sexting etc was just a natural outgrowth of his kindness. 

Your husband exposing this POSOM will be therapeutic for him. Right now he as been a victim of your affair. Him exposing to HR will be him taking positive action agsinst the affair and the threat to his marriage.

It will also hurt big time your ability to resume contact with the OM, which you have shown you will do if left on your own without any consequences like last time.

As for your career etc, do you seriously think you are the first nurse to do this? I don't think you are even the first nurse to do it with ths OM. Heck, he likely has a few right now that he is playing with. Which means that other nurses and betrayed husbands are all sharing his STD desert, and need treatment.

You don't think you his one and only do you? OM is clearly a player who likes to pickup easy nurses and have his fun. You and your broken marriage are just a notch on his belt.

Going to HR hopefull will slow down his conquest rate.

Hubby should talk to a lawyer about alienation of affection, could be a good payout for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Oh crap. You re-contacted the guy? 
I'd interpret that as having zero remorse. That is really cold.
I think your H needs to protect himself from you. You are very abusive.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

saveourmarriage, the fact that you have children together may cause him to pause with regards to a divorce.

In the meantime please read *Rebuilding Trust with Your Husband After You've had an Affair* and the following.





> *"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*
> 
> *#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.
> 
> ...


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

How does one become a "marriage sherpa?


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

morituri said:


> saveourmarriage, the fact that you have children together may cause him to pause with regards to a divorce.
> 
> In the meantime please read *Rebuilding Trust with Your Husband After You've had an Affair* and the following.


Thank you soooo much for that information. I realize what must be done to Save my marriage. I am finally feeling that there is hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

OK, let's make this interesting...I'm the BS.

Let me start off my saying that nothing I post here I haven't already discussed with my wife. This forum is NOT how we communicate. I do appreciate the advise given here by those who have been through this sh*t.

I'll try organizing this a bit so that it’s coherent and not aimless rambling, but there is so much to say so it will be long. If people are going to give advice, they should know the whole story.

*Marriage Before Affair*

Looking back, I honestly feel we had a VERY GOOD marriage -- we enjoyed each others company, our personalities complemented each other well, we have great kids, good jobs, nice house, not rich by any means, but comfortable. I HAD absolute trust in her. But like all marriages, it wasn't perfect. I think we both got caught up in the monotony of daily life and neglected the relationship, and did not communicate as effectively as we should have. But communication is a two-way street, so both at fault here.

*DD#1 - Early Sep 2011*

A week or so before DD#1 she was uncharacteristically withdrawn. I would ask “what's the matter” and would get the typical reply “nothing's the matter”. At this point she already knew POSOM had STD, and she had gotten tested and was waiting on her lab results. She was out of town with her mother when she got the news that her results were positive. She immediately called me at work and accused me of having an affair and giving her the STD, and without having the opportunity to discuss this in person, she proceeded to tell several friends and family members, including her mother, that I gave her the STD.

By this time, her sister and several of her close friends knew she was having an affair. They knew roughly when she had sex with POSOM, so it boggles my mind how they did not put 2-n-2 together and stop her from accusing me. Why did she accuse me? This is what I have come up with:


 POSOM told her that she must have given it to him, and she must have gotten it from me. At this point she had more trust in him than me.
 She had a bacterial infection 20 years ago that we both had to get treated for. Frankly, I don't remember it, and it has never been brought up before (with one exception which I will mention later). She was now assuming it was an STD that I gave her. Now months after DD#1 she is finally recalling that is was not an STD. Funny how you can make yourself believe what you want.
 As I have read on TAM and other sources, cheaters tend to think the BS is no better than them and are therefore also cheating. I guess this helps justify their actions.

So now I knew she had an STD and was accusing me of it. I knew I hadn't slept with anyone else, and could not believe my wife would ever have an affair. Being a bit naive about things medical, I thought maybe I contracted it from a toilet seat or something and gave it to her. After a day of googling STD's and getting my lab results back negative, there was only one possible answer. It didn't take long to search our phone bill and find 800+ text messages between them in one month, and 100+ messages per day around the time the STD came into the picture.

I confronted her and asked for the truth. Well she followed the cheaters playbook to the letter. Spent 2 hours denying it saying they are just good friends, blah, blah, blah. Once I presented all the evidence, and she could not longer deny it, she confessed. I didn't have any experience with anything like this, so I expected her to breakdown, cry, apologize, be remorseful, etc. Well, per the playbook she did none of that. Instead, she said I was controlling, I did not respect her, I did not appreciate her, etc (you all know how this goes). She topped it off with the ILYBINILWY. I was in shock. I thought we had a pretty good marriage going on. 

Let me digress here a bit and mention several red-flags I noticed before DD#1, but I dismissed them because up until that point I had no reason to not trust her. These types of things have all been mentioned before on CWI, so nothing new, just my version of it.


 Prior to the affair, she would mention his name a lot when talking about her day at work. Once affair started, she never mentioned his name again.
 She straight-out told me he was after her, offered to treat her to a spa. I knew it was inappropriate, but I trusted she knew right from wrong and would act accordingly. OK maybe I didn't say it quite like that. I said something like "You're a big girl, you know right from wrong. If you choose to do the wrong thing, you will need to accept the consequences.” (This is where I expect to get bashed by everyone here for not enforcing consequences). She was basically seeking approval from me to pursue this relationship.
 On vacation one day, out of the blue, she brings up the bacterial infection from 20 years ago and asks me if I ever cheated on her. Of course I did not. She was just trying to justify her cheating by convincing herself that I cheated on her. Even if I had, that is crazy thinking one affair can justify another. Ironic how she was questioning be about STD, and she gets one a month later. Karma’s a ***** as they say.
 Woke one morning at 2AM and saw her texting someone. I facetiously said "What? Are you having an affair?" She responded she was texting her close friend who lives in California and was going through a divorce. I bought it.

Back to my story...

So we agree to that we want try and make this marriage work. I was willing to forgive her affair, but I don't think I will ever forgive her accusing me of the STD. We start seeing a therapist. It turned out to be a disaster. He starts us off with IC, with plan switch to MC after a couple of months. It never made it that far. His style did not sit well with me -- to much psycho babble, not enough actionable steps. We talked about her quitting her job to ensure NC and he agreed it needed to be done, but not quite yet. He wanted to address other marriage issues first. WTF?? She would only communicate with him at work for professional reasons. Yea right!

We did that for about 4 weeks, and I was getting frustrated with lack of results. She did show guilt, but absolutely no remorse. It took her 3 weeks to come clean to the people she had told I had given her STD. She was still unwilling to provide the details of the affair that I was asking for. The main thing I wanted to know was timelines -- when and where. She would TT bits and pieces when pressed. She did insist that she only had sexual intercourse with him on one occasion (more on that later). What was really cruel was that the details I told her I was not interested in, where the details she voluntarily provided. She bragged that she did sexual things with him that she would never do with me, that she had sex with him 4 times during one hotel encounter, and that he had he biggest d**k she had ever seen. Talk about cruel. By the way, I really don't have an issue with mind movies, thank God.

She also had no problem telling a wide circle of friends and family that she had an affair. Almost like a badge on honor. I have since read "Not Just Friends" and part of the problem was she had too many friends who where not friends of the marriage and viewed infidelity as no big deal. In fact, one friend commented "too bad you got caught on your FIRST one".

There was one particular conversion that really showed me how f**cked up her mind was. I asked her when she thought the relationship with POSOM became an affair. Her first response was when they had sex in the hotel room. I almost lost it. She then backtracked and said it was when it became PA. I did loose it. She could not admit or understand that all the inappropriate texting before it went PA was an affair.

It wasn't all bad during these 4 weeks. Like everyone says, it was a rollercoaster. There were periods were I felt we were reconnecting. I changed certain behaviors to prove my commitment to making this work. These changes were very easy to make because I didn't have to change what I thought or how I felt, just how I expressed things. I still loved her. In the meantime, I didn't sense the same level of commitment from her. One of the things that really bugged me was that by that time she was on anti-depressants. It was hard seeing her sleeping soundly at night, while I cried myself to sleep (or did not sleep at all) for many of those first days after DD#1.

*DD#2 - Late Oct 2011*

She accompanied her mother out for town for 10 days for a medical procedure. When she got back my intuition felt something wasn't right. She had given me access to her cell phone after DD#1, so I decided to check up. Sure enough, I found some text messages she forgot to delete from when she was out of town. They affectionately call each other "babe" in the texts. Well, where's there's smoke, there's fire. Even though she gave me access to her phone, she never gave me access to her gmail account, but I was able access it anyway. I found she had saved a log of text messages from the day of their hotel encounter through the discovery of the STD. I couldn't believe this was my wife I was reading about. And the fact that she saved the log as some kind of momento that she could read over and over again.

We had a not so fun conversation that night. We talked about a lot of things including divorce. She cried and begged and said she would quite her job. I agreed to let her find a new job before leaving current one (yeah, I know big mistake; I made many in how I handled all this). She quickly found a new job, but with limited hours initially, so we agreed on a plan to transition over a couple of months (another mistake). Six months later she still hasn't fully transitioned and left her current job (and another mistake for not enforcing consequences).

The next session she had with the therapist after DD#2, he stated that the reason she was still contacting him was because I was still not meeting her needs. WTF? I couldn't believe he said that. You gotta wonder how some of these guys can be licensed to practice. Needless to say, that was the last session either of us had with him. We started with a new therapist the next week, but that wasn't much better. She basically overlooked the affair and started IC with each of us. After 3 or 4 sessions, she said I didn't need to see her anymore, but would continue to see my wife. That can't possibly work very well especially when WS is still in the fog and is not honest with therapist (yes WS has stated she was not honest). I couldn't agree more with those who say MC does not work until the affair has ended, NC is effect, and both parties are committed.

Prior to DD#2 we had a getaway weekend planned. We decided to keep the date even though things were not too good between us. It turned out to be a wonderful weekend...so I thought. She confessed that she texted POSOSM the day after we got back, unbelievable. Since we just started with the new therapist, I decided to handle it via that route. Over the next eight weeks things felt pretty good, but I still didn't feel remorse from her. We took a weekend trip to Key West which turned out great. The holidays came and went without too much turmoil, but again no sense of remorse. My birthday came near year-end, and like many other people in my situation, this triggers a lot of reflection. This is when I realized how much bulls**t she was feeding me by rewriting history and saying I had been being controlling, disrespectful, etc. for the entirety of our 20+ year marriage. In fact, she was the one now doing exactly that. You can't get much more controlling than lying or not being open with someone so that you can control their feeling and actions. I would even say that is abuse. I honestly believe she was never like this before this whole affair ordeal. How can this change someone so much?

*DD#3 - Late Jan 2012*

January rolls around and things are so-so -- not really getting better, but not getting worse. She goes over a neighbor’s house one night for a glass of wine (more like a couple of bottles). This neighbor is definitely not a friend of the marriage. She comes home a bit drunk and with an attitude. After a bit of questioning, she admits she was texting POSOM again. I had had it and asked her to move out. I gave her a few days to make arrangements. In the meantime, she went out of town for the weekend on a planned trip with one of our kids. She got back and gave me another begging and crying session saying she would find another MC for us and would really quit her job this time. I had a lot going on the time unrelated to our marriage, so I just let her stay so I wouldn't have to deal with all the ramifications of her moving out and the impact on the kids. Basically rug sweeping.

*DD#4 - May 19, 2012*

Over the next 3 months things seemed to improve quite a bit. She was showing remorse. She was much more affectionate and attentive. Sex was better than ever. I'm pretty sure she did not communicate with him outside of work. In early May a couple red flags hit. We're at happy hour one day and she starts indirectly blaming me for the affair again. The conversion gets bad enough that she leaves the bar by herself and goes home (we met after work in separate cars). I believe it's at isolated incident, but I make a mental note. A week or so later, I start noticing an attitude. It's hard to explain, but she had similar attitude during the other times she was breaking NC. So now I'm on high alert. It didn't take much longer or effort to have pretty definitive proof that she was communicating with him again.

I ask her if she has anything she needs to tell me. She knew exactly what I meant. She confesses that she broke NC with POSOM, but it was only to tell him about some food that was left at work for him. I ask if there was any inappropriate dialog. She says no. Well after 9 months of TT, I know there is a lot more she is not telling me, so I press on. She finally admits that he sent some inappropriate texts, like "do you wanna f**k". WOW...can't get much more inappropriate than that. I ask her how she responded and if she sent anything in appropriate. She says no again. I press some more and low and behold, she pulls up text logs she saved in her private diary on her phone. WOW...again saving momentos of their dialog so she can relive over and over. Her response to his text was "you should go jack off". WOW. She shows me another text which she sent that said "time for another pharm dinner LMAO". WOW...the affair went PA last June at a pharmaceutical sponsored dinner. I couldn't believe she wrote that, especially with the LMAO part. What a slap in the face and lack of respect. I have no doubt this would have gone PA again if I hadn’t caught it. To top it all off, this day was our son's high school graduation, and she admitted she was texting him during the ceremony and even sent him pictures of our son at graduation. That really changed things for me. I now view her as danger not only to me, but to my children.

We continue talking that night and I’m not sure how this came up, but she says “I know he PROBABLY gave me the STD”. WTF…we’re back to that? She’s still not 100% sure how she got it? That was the end of that conversation. She later apologized and said she didn’t really mean that. I’m not sure what to make of that. Is she really that f**cked up?

We talk some more and now she admits that they actually had sex on two occasions, not one as she had been saying for 9 months. It really doesn't matter to me if it was once or 10 times. That's what people do in a PA is have sex. The killer for me was she knew how important it was for new to know those details, yet she lied about it to me for 9 months. How can I ever regain trust after that? The good thing about this new disclosure is that the sex occurred in a hospital room. So I will be reporting this to hospital HR with the goal of getting him fired. I gotta say that hospitals, at least based on what I know about the ER, have got to have one of the most toxic work environments for these sorts of things. The stuff that is generally accepted there would get anyone in corporate America fired. Doesn't seem fair that worst case for him is a temporary disruption of work, yet I (and possibly my kids if we divorce) will be forever affected by this. I did notify his wife but he is already separated and she probably doesn't give a rat’s ass about him.

*Today*

So here I am today faced with the most important decision of my life that not only affects me, but affects my children as well. Up until DD#4 I can honestly say I still loved my wife in spite of everything she has done to me over the last year. Now I don't know how I can love someone who has done all this, much less ever trust that person. Sometimes I think she continues to lie and cheat because she really wants a divorce but doesn’t have the courage to do it (kind of like “suicide by cop”). She denies that is the case. It's easy to say divorce is the obvious solution, but do you discount 23 good years of marriage for this? And what about the effect on the kids? If she started doing all the right things now, could I regain enough trust to have a happy marriage? I don't feel I can right now. I know no one can answer these questions but me.

I'll address a few points made earlier in this thread in a follow up post. Thanks for listening.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think she confesses the sex was around 3-4 times in this thread. And like you said, it will likely that they had it many more times. Right now it is difficult to gauge her reaction and her commitment to the marriage since she is panicking(Like you said, she did this 3 more time.)


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> Thank you soooo much for that information. I realize what must be done to Save my marriage. I am finally feeling that there is hope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SOM,

There is always hope! I sent you some yesterday.

The key is to match up what you tell your husband with your actions to show him how much you want to repair the marriage.'




> *Actions do speak much louder than words!*


Keep going back to church if that makes you feel better. And remember you are worthy if you realize the mistakes you made, are remorseful to your husband and prove to him everyday that you choose him, your marriage and family over the posom.

Good Luck and Keep Posting,

HM64


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> He wants you to do the work - he doesn't want to have to be the one to "make" you quit - he wants you to do it because you love him and it's what you want. SO DO IT DAMMIT!!! Be a big enough person to either take this gift he's trying to give you or to say you can't and cut him loose. Don't continue to cheat on him and take advantage of him.


:iagree: Very well said. That is how I feel about this. I'm tired of doing all the work for no reward.



Shaggy said:


> You want to help your husband?
> 
> then get him a list of consequences to impose upon you.


I generally agree with your list of consequences except two.

NC letter – I already sent POSOM an FU text and they both know NC ever. A NC letter at this point just gives them another opportunity to communicate.
Hand over passwords – This is very naïve thinking. It only works if the cheating spouse is committed to R. If not, it's just another tool for them to control the BS by letting them think they have all access to their world when in fact they are maintaining secret accounts. My WS used WhatsApp to communicate with POSOM. She would add his contact info when she wanted to communicate, then delete the messages and contact when done. So if I checked her phone, there would be no trace. It so easy to create web mail and internet texting accounts and the BS would never know.



working_together said:


> It's not out of your hands, you have a say in if your marriage will succeed. You need to be transparent with your husband 100 per cent, it will be hard, but he needs to know that you are trust worthy. You also need to demonstrate that you are remorseful (if you are), and are willing to try to make it up to him....it's not "out of your hands".


Yep. Not taking ownership again. Has been a constant theme as we have tried to reconcile.




bandit.45 said:


> Okay. So your husband drove you into the arms of another man? Or is that just how you have rewritten the history of your marriage? If that were the truth, why would you break it off with Dr. Wonderful and go back to the controlling jerk husband?


Totally rewritten history. Right out of cheater's playbook.



TBT said:


> Hope you can get back on track and just because the counselor didn't help doesn't mean there isn't one who can.Do some research and find someone who has some credible experience dealing with infidelity.


There is no way I’m going back counseling until I have some reassurance the affair is permanently over and she is out of the fog and can be honest with the counselor.



Shaggy said:


> Btw. Have hubby post him on chearterville.com along with the details of the STD.


 Please don’t use term “hubby” on this thread. That is how they referred to me in their texts.



snap said:


> This does not even begin to compare to the kind of humiliation you put your husband through.


:smthumbup: Couldn't agree with you more.



morituri said:


> S.O.M. your husband is experiencing what is called the emotional roller-coaster and to top it of he's also dealing with the mind movies of you and the OM naked and having sex.


I am somewhat past the roller coaster, and I never had a problem with mind movies. In fact up until the last DD, our sex life was great.


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I think she confesses the sex was around 3-4 times in this thread. And like you said, it will likely that they had it many more times.


Well if you go by the Bill Clinton definition of sexual relations, it do believe it was only twice. If you go by most people's definition, then many more times. She has admitted that.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

The 23 years are ancient history. A sunk cost.

The only thing that matters is how your wife has been behaving recently and how she is behaving now.

If this were your second date with her, would you tolerate being treated this way?

What consequences has she faced for her repeated slaps in your face? What incentive would she have to go NC when you do nothing about it when she breaks NC other than give her another talking to?

You have told her you are going to D, until she puts on a play act and turns on the waterworks. Crying is theater and is as cheap as talk. What do her actions tell you?

I can only say that if I were in your situation, her stuff would be out on the lawn a long time ago. Her train has gone off the tracks and she isn't interested in getting it back on.

Se seems far more concerned about her reputation at the hospital than how much she has hurt you.

You might think that her posting here on TAM is showing some kind of true remorse, but it is really just more talk. What have her actions told you? 

Money talks, and bull**** walks.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The most disturbing thing is the refusal to quit her job.

Her marriage is on the line, yet, only when pressed, she gives 4 WEEKS NOTICE.

Then lowers it to 2 WEEKS.

If she really wanted to save the marriage, she would have quit on the spot.

She doesn't want to shut that door. It is her one last private place to see the other man and she doesn't want to give that up.

Another thing is, the way the cheater posted here. The betrayed spouse's post is what we normally see here and comes across as heartfelt and sincere. The cheater's posts in this thread are brief, perfunctory, almost like she is being forced to post here but does not really want to. Like she's going through the motions, saying she wants to save her marriage, but the tenor of her posts do not feel that way. If she knew the posts were being monitored, chances are she just posted here the same lies she told the betrayed spouse. The full truth of the affair has not been told.

Step 1: Quit the job TODAY. Don't even go to the hospital, do it by phone. The cheating behavior has been so egregious, to earn back trust and belief that she wants the marriage, she must suffer consequences. This is one of those consequences. She doesn't get the normal "closure" one usually gets when leaving a job after 16 years. It would be a sign of her remorsefulness and a sign of how much she really did want her marriage to leave that way.

The reason the cheater is still in the fog is because of the HOPE that she might see the other man each day on this job. Once the job ends, the fog will begin to clear.

Step 2: Full disclosure by handwritten letter to all family/friends who were informed of the STD. Not a short letter like the cheater's posts here, but a full description of her betrayal of her husband, handwritten by her, so there is no misconception by anyone going forward about her husband's faithfulness, the original bacterial infection, or the source of the most recent STD.

Step 3: No contact with any friends who knew of the affair and did not tell the husband about it. Cut them off cold. Never call or see them again. If they call, tell them why very briefly and end the call.

Step 4: Handwritten no contact letter to the other man stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for risking losing her husband and family, which are the most important things in the world to her, and that if he ever tries to contact her again in any way, shape or form she will file harassment charges against him.

These are consequences for her actions meant to get her out of the affair fog, and show the betrayed spouse that the cheater truly is willing to work hard to save the marriage and is not just giving lip service. The betrayed spouse feels incredibly wronged and often feels the only penalty for the cheater was to give up what she should never have had to begin with, which really is not much of a consequence.

Given the continuous lying, the numerous D-days, it's unlikely that all of a sudden on May 19 the cheater, after finally being caught for the fourth time, is now really serious about ending the affair. Hence, the holding onto the job as long as possible. No doubt right before her final day on the job some "emergency" (no pun intended) would come up that would require her to prolong her employment.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thank you Gator for your reply. All I have to say is WOW! 

I have nothing but respect for you, and I feel for the pain you are going through, trying to hold things together with a wife who is obviously still in the fog and feeling her way out of the darkness.

However, the fact that she is here and posting and has not run away despite the barbs and arrows slung at her demonstrates that at least part of her is searching for redemption. 

Did your wife tell you she was posting here or did you find this on your own?

I am with the others in stating that your wife cannot commit to full recovery until she has severed all ties with the OM, has quit her job, and is as far away from that toxic environment and gaggle of evil friends as she can be. 

I for one hope you go full guns after the OM. On top of geting him canned from his job, you should also check in to the laws of your state to see if you can file alienation of affection charges against him for the damage he has done to your family.

No one here would blame you if you kicked your wife to the curb. She told us alot of the story, but agan, your post shows once more the way cheaters provaricate, exagerrate, confound and obfuscate the truth in order to protect their fragile litte worlds. 

Has your family ad in-laws been informed of the truth about your situation, or is she still making you out to be the bad guy?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your version gives a much better view on what she did.(We even had to pull out the 2 D-days from her). 4 D-days are 3 too many. Will you be able to trust her again? 



> She did insist that she only had sexual intercourse with him on one occasion (more on that later). What was really cruel was that the details I told her I was not interested in, where the details she voluntarily provided. She bragged that she did sexual things with him that she would never do with me, that she had sex with him 4 times during one hotel encounter, and that he had he biggest d**k she had ever seen. Talk about cruel.


Flaunting the affair in your face is a very cruel thing to do. It was obviously meant to hurt you. nad one more WW that did stuff with her OM that she wouldn't with her H. Great!!

Lot of blame shifting from her side on why the affair happened. The blames included
1)You pushed her into it
2) Boredom
3)Mid Life crisis
4)She stayed honest for 23 years 
5)OM's persistence when she rejected him initially.
5) Counseling did not help her and god knows what.


She panicked every time you caught her. Why should anything be different now?

Can you see living for the rest of your life living with her. Trust will take a long time to rebuild. And since she knows that you have "spyware" on you computer, she will get better at hiding it if she wants to.


Her family is full of cheaters and enablers. It would be a bit naive to expect a change of mindset now. Hence the repeated cheating now. 


Her broken NC is much worse because of the attitude she displayed in those texts. And I assume that it is much worse in texts you haven't found out. 




> Several years ago er had a new ER Doc. He was really nice got along great gave me what I needed treated my kids for free.


Is she coming back because the OM threw her under a bus? Would she be with you if the OM would take her? 

Expecting honesty from her regarding this is a bit pointless now. Why should D-day 4 be any different ?

the only thing I would suggest to Gator is to take some time to make a final decision. Don't decide to R or D right away. You will be in a better situation to reassess the situation once the shock of discovery goes away. Put the marriage on probation and decide solely of what she does to repair the marriage. Reconciliation after repeated infidelity is very hard work for both sides and it can take a long time before the pain goes away. Decide if you want to take a risk on such a person


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Gator, why you didn't issued her the D papers?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*My reputation as a nurse will be tarnished FOREVER! I am a nervous wreck tbh that is why I am on here. I can't sleep, eat or even think clearly.*

Her marriage is secondary to this. She has planned a life without her husband in her head, probably had it worked out in her fantasy how she would be with the other man, but she never intended to give up her job. Even if she switches jobs to another hospital, in her fantasy, the other man also will be able to work there or find a reason to "have a patient" there.

People at different hospitals know each other. What happens in one hospital becomes known in the others. People switch jobs from hospital to hospital all the time. She is afraid she won't be able to carry on the affair at her new hospital if people somehow find out from her old hospital what really happened. They will then be able to see through the ruse of why the good doctor now is involved at their hospital, it has more to do with the new nurse than any patient.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gator2012 said:


> [*]Hand over passwords – This is very naïve thinking. It only works if the cheating spouse is committed to R. If not, it's just another tool for them to control the BS by letting them think they have all access to their world when in fact they are maintaining secret accounts. My WS used WhatsApp to communicate with POSOM. She would add his contact info when she wanted to communicate, then delete the messages and contact when done. So if I checked her phone, there would be no trace. It so easy to create web mail and internet texting accounts and the BS would never know.
> [/LIST]


Yes, it is naive for a BS to think that if the WS has handed him/her their passwords that they are completely transparent. This is why we always say Trust But Verify. Fortunately for me, I found out about my WWs affair because I discovered her secret account, so I was aware she could make secret accounts from the get go. That's why it amazes me sometimes when I read about betrayed spouses here actually feeling guilty for snooping on their WS. Seriously? I don't feel guilty at all, not one damn bit. 

Again, this is yet another example of a workplace affair wherein the affair WILL continue if they continue to work together. NC can never be established if this continues. This is why we advise BSs that in the case of a workplace affair, one of the APs MUST leave the job. There are no ifs, and buts about it.


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Did your wife tell you she was posting here or did you find this on your own?


She did tell me she posted here. My state of mind at this point makes me wonder if this is just another ploy to throw me off and let my guard down. I really don't think so, but the thought crosses my mind.



bandit.45 said:


> Has your family ad in-laws been informed of the truth about your situation, or is she still making you out to be the bad guy?


Everyone who knows about the affair knows the truth. Well, at least the part that she was the cheater, not me, and I didn't her the STD. I don't think she' s corrected all the lies she said to them to justify the affair saying how terrible a marriage and husband she had for 23 years.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gator2012 said:


> Everyone who knows about the affair knows the truth. Well, at least the part that she was the cheater, not me, and I didn't her the STD. I don't think she' s corrected all the lies she said to them to justify the affair saying how terrible a marriage and husband she had for 23 years.


I'm assuming that's one of your conditions for R that she has to meet. Because that's one of the most damaging and hurtful things about affairs, when the WS demonizes the BS to themselves and to everyone else like in your situation. On BS here had his wife confess to her family face to face while he was present that she was demonizing him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gator2012 said:


> She did tell me she posted here. My state of mind at this point makes me wonder if this is just another ploy to throw me off and let my guard down. I really don't think so, but the thought crosses my mind.
> 
> 
> Everyone who knows about the affair knows the truth. Well, at least the part that she was the cheater, not me, and I didn't her the STD. I don't think she' s corrected all the lies she said to them to justify the affair saying how terrible a marriage and husband she had for 23 years.


If your wife is serious about R, then she needs to convene a meeting of her family members, sit them all down together and with you by her side she needs to come clean completely about what she did and the lies she told. Then, she needs to do the same with your family.

Or, if she is not courageous enough to do that, I like the previous poster's idea of mailing handwritten letters to all her family members.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I don't think she' s corrected all the lies she said to them to justify the affair saying how terrible a marriage and husband she had for 23 years. *

That's why the DETAILED handwritten letter to those people is important. Not only does it set the record straight for your benefit, but it makes her own up to it and it shows you how serious she really is about saving the marriage. Stuff just between the two of you is not taken as seriously as how the outside world perceives her. She had plans in her head to go on without you, but she needs the outside world to see it her way for her fantasy to become a reality. This includes her family and her co-workers.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I like the idea of the handwritten letter. It gives the impression of sincerity, so people are less likely to think that Gator2012 only forced her to do it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gator,

Wow you wife really down played just how awful she has treated you.

Now that we have the truth, I can see why you aren't quick to rush into yet another false R with her. 

My advice is to follow your current plan with HR but with a couple of changes.

Until she proves otherwise, assume her loyalty is still to OM and the affair. She is still TT and looking or more contact. Her lame excuses to 
drag out her quitting she this. She put the chance to meet up with OM at work ahead of everthing. I would be she is still in contact with him at
work. What for her finding reasons to stay even now that she says she will leave. 

After she leaves be on guard for her contacting him again. When she looses the contact via work she will try to keep it up. Watch out for a
burner phone. POSOM may buy it for her,or she might buy it. Either way watch for missing time, or her suddenly needing walks/runs
or trips to the store. All excuses to use the burner.

As for HR don't tell your wife any more details of what you are doing. Nothing, she is not trustworthy and quite possibly wil
warn the OM since she thinks he is a wonderful honorable guy. So she is out of the loop.

Do have here write a confession note including the details she gave you about doing it in the hospital. Have her sign it. Give a copy to HR.

See a lawyer. Seriously explore an alienation of affect or other lawsuit agsinst the hospital and doctor. Both have deep pockets and
you might score big. Do not share any info about what you actually do here with her.

While there have him draw up D papers. These are for when a next DD occurs. If it doesn't great! But she has TT, lied, broken NC for so long it is easy to see where this has a high chance of going.

Next her work and consequences:

1. Write the letter and sign it.
2. Quit her job tomorrow. Tell supervisor the reason.
3. Secrecy is history. I suggest you get a new phone that has no apps or Internet. Just a phone with text. You will not delete texts or call log. Your husband will see the bill each month,
4. Each and every friend that new of the affair and accepted it or helped it, is now gone from your life. If you actually are committed to your marriage, then you will have no problem dumping 
these enemies of your marriage. They no doubt hate your husband and think of him as a pitiful looser ALL based on what you told them. The bottom line are that these people accepted you
being a cheater and are not the kind of friends anyone needs. They go.
5. Tell your husband the real truth finally. Lying seems now to be second nature to you. Likely your affair friends have help you justify it and have told you how to play your husband. I'm guessing many of your friends themselves are experience cheaters. They must go and so must the lying.
6. Pay for a polygraph for yourself using a set of questions your husband wants. Give your husband the results, but more importantly finally give him the truth.
7. Pay for a postnup where if you divorce because of continued contact , you give him the house etc. and spousal support.
8. Get in the habit of telling the truth and being transparent on where you are going and up to.
9. Learn to not have your husband trust you for several years to come. 

To Gator,

Try to trust, but you will need to verify. You've been played by her for a longtime, and I would not be surprised if you are still being played.

Her friends likely include other cheaters who are giving her advice on how to play you, and on how to go underground with the affair. In addition to demanding and enforcing that she looses
that group of friends, you have the extra hard task of uncovering if this is still active. Vigilance is your tool here, she will slip up eventually if this is underground, so keep paying attention.

Go after the OM and the hospital, it might make her not worth the trouble for the OM.

You might try hiring a PI to find out who else he is doing or has done. Such as other nurses in the same work area as your wife that have gotten
divorced. OM is an STD infected player so he's for sure been doing this with other nurses for a while. Hey, he may even have been named in other lawsuits before this. Your lawyer can search
for that.

You might try personally contacting the OMW and talk to her, she might have details of other affairs and more info on your wife.

Good hunting,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I am sad for you and your situation but proud of you to read just how strong you`ve been throught this. Only you can determine what to do next but you need to re-read your first post.

You`ve been continually disrespected and ignored, villified to loved ones. And to pour salt in the wound multiple lies of remorse only to have her contact him again. Leaving will not destroy your kids. But you really need to decide if you can go through this again. Because if there are 4 times, the odds aren`t very good that there will not be a 5th.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's sad that you say you had a very good marriage prior to this and your 23 year investment of devotion and love to your wife yielded you an STD and some scumbag who could wipe away all these years so easily in a couple of months, makes you wonder really. If you're both committed to reconciliation your wife is going to have to come clean about everything because I suspect there's more to this than she's letting on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Oh Gator,

Your wife is just cruel. After what you have tolerated this past year she really deserves the divorce. And yes, i agree with you that there is a good chance she wants it and is too big a coward to file herself.

And her affair has to be affecting your family too!

Not only is she selfish but she is down right dumb to do such hurtful behavior in front of you and your kids.

She is terribly lost. 

My two cents is to file for divorce, pick a timeline to end the marriage.

You and your kids deserve better. Maybe during the divorce she will finally commit to R and the marriage. But if she is still trickle truthing after all this time you should have a plan in motion to

Get the A out in the open, go to their HR dept. with a formal complaint and file for D.

You deserve better. Let her find s bigger d*ck like she wants. She will end up with nothing. And she really deserves nothing. Cheating and cruelty in one package. She definitely is not the woman you married.

I admire you for your strength and loyalty. It is now time to take care of you and your kids......

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

When she was asked by us, she answered with the following,



saveourmarriage said:


> morituri said:
> 
> 
> > What Shaggy meant is that many times a wife will do sexual acts with the OM that she would never do with her husband. When this happens, it can have a very negative effect on any possible marital recovery.
> ...


Yet now we find from you that she lied to us.



Gator2012 said:


> What was really cruel was that the details I told her I was not interested in, where the details she voluntarily provided. *She bragged that she did sexual things with him that she would never do with me, that she had sex with him 4 times during one hotel encounter, and that he had he biggest d**k she had ever seen. Talk about cruel.* By the way, I really don't have an issue with mind movies, thank God.


Cruel indeed. Kind of hard to tell if she said it because she was being truthful or just lashing out at you during a heated fight and trying to hurt you on purpose. Nevertheless, I hate to think what cruel things she would be capable of saying to her children if they p!ssed her off.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

You know I had my H post on this forum to help him to help us . I Love my husband and I love my family and I will do anything to prevent a D The advice on this forum has helped me see true reality on what I HAVE DONE TO H AND MY FAMILY .I have NEVER done anything like this in my entire life!! I do take full ownership of what I've done to H.unfortunately I hope it's not too late. Just to make it clear I did NOT do anything with OM that I have not done with my H. I was very angry at the time, I was scheduled to work with OM today and I purposely changed my schedule so that I would not see him!!!'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

But you still went to work. Your marriage is still not your first priority


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> What was really cruel was that the details I told her I was not interested in, where the details she voluntarily provided. She bragged that she did sexual things with him that she would never during one hotel ncounter, and that he had he biggest d**k she had ever seen. Talk about cruel. By the way, I really don't have an issue with mind movies, thank God.


Why did you do this? Why did you hate your husband ? It is pretty clear you hated your husband then(even considered him controlling). The reason could either be a genuine or a selfish one to start the affair. Which one is it? It is good that you have the guilt of the affair, but if there are issues with the marriage, you will have fix them sooner or later.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> But you still went to work. Your marriage is still not your first priority


The OM is NOT here that is why I am today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> You know I had my H post on this forum to help him to help us . I Love my husband and I love my family and I will do anything to prevent a D The advice on this forum has helped me see true reality on what I HAVE DONE TO H AND MY FAMILY .I have NEVER done anything like this in my entire life!! I do take full ownership of what I've done to H.unfortunately I hope it's not too late. Just to make it clear I did NOT do anything with OM that I have not done with my H. I was very angry at the time, I was scheduled to work with OM today and I purposely changed my schedule so that I would not see him!!!'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SOM,

After all you have put your husband through you are still working with the OM. You said it! Not us! And there is the 1st thing you should change: Your job!!!!

I trulyhope you are honest that you do not want to divorce your husband. I truly hope you want to fight for your marriage.

Then show your husband some action. Find a great MC that specializes in infidelity. You are in healthcare it should not be too hard.

And if money is not too tight quit your job and find a new one. I find it hard to believe that you have to work with OM after all this time.

Your husband has every right to go to HR and file a complaint.

It is time for you to step up to the plate. All these months of lip service (tt), broken no contacts and disrespectful/cruel behavior are gonna cost you your marriage!!!

Wake up and get serious. And show your husband just how serious you are about your marriage and desire to reconcile truly is.

HM64


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She's only there for 4 more weeks, but that's besides the point. I just find it comical that because you avoided working on the same schedule as him that's supposed to show some sort of monumental change. 

You have a very,very long way to go.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Why did you do this? Why did you hate your husband ? It is pretty clear you hated your husband then(even considered him controlling). The reason could either be a genuine or a selfish one to start the affair. Which one is it? It is good that you have the guilt of the affair, but if there are issues with the marriage, you will have fix them sooner or later.


I do not hate him I Love him. The OM Kept persisting my H is right we had a good marriage. I guess at that time I was feeling unappreciated and not valued for my opinions it was hurtful. But that is NO reason to do what I have done to my H. I want my marriage back and will do ANYTHING even if it causes me embarrassment at work. I don't care anymore!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> I do not hate him I Love him. The OM Kept persisting my H is right we had a good marriage. I guess at that time I was feeling unappreciated and not valued for my opinions it was hurtful. But that is NO reason to do what I have done to my H. I want my marriage back and will do ANYTHING even if it causes me embarrassment at work. I don't care anymore!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SOM, you are a nurse. Nurses are in demand. I find it hard to believe you could not just end this job tomorrow, and not be able to find another one in a short perid of time. 

Your husband has sacrificed his manhood, his pride, his honor and everything that makes him a man to stay with a woman who, frankly, does not deserve him, and to preserve his family.

Can you not make one sacrifice for him? To show him you are commited to reconcilliation?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No, I meant the part about you telling your H about having sex 4 times with the OM at the hotel and how he had the biggest d*ck you ever saw. Are you dumb enough to not realize how damaging the statements are or did you tell him that out of spite?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I still can't get over the "LMAO" in recent text to OM.:wtf:
Basically joking with the POSOM about her H and her marriage kinda shows where her mindset is now imo,as this was done very,very recently according to Gator's timeline.Anything she does now may be too little,too late imo as well.Sorry for Gator,I wish I had his patience,but it seems like she never once took the high road after DD1 and with her recent text to OM there's no reason to believe she ever will.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

I have resigned from my job as of today my marriage means the world to me!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> I have resigned from my job as of today my marriage means the world to me!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now... turn away from the OM and towards your husband. You will start to come out of the fog and back into life again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> I have told my husband he knows the truth and stays by my side I don't know why because I DO NOT DESERVE HIM!! But I do love him .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You DO deserve him. However, he did nor deserve the woman he loves cheating on him.

If you need to pity someone, pity him, not yourself. perhaps?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> He is a doc and there is no sexual harassment this was consensual.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What???? your AP is a doctor who doesn't understand the dangers of unprotected sex and STDs/HIV? 

Now I feel angry towards him. He is scum. Do not even LOOK at him.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> What???? your AP is a doctor who doesn't understand the dangers of unprotected sex and STDs/HIV?
> 
> Now I feel angry towards him. He is scum. Do not even LOOK at him.


Good point MM. You would think a Dr. And a Nurse would understand safe sex practices. But sadly cheaters never do as we keep hearing everyday about unprotected sex.

SOM i am glad you resigned. Now stick to NC. Work with your BS on a plan that he approves regarding what he requires from you to show that you are serious about reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I just hope nobody gets stabbed this time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

snap said:


> I just hope nobody gets stabbed this time.


!


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> No, I meant the part about you telling your H about having sex 4 times with the OM at the hotel and how he had the biggest d*ck you ever saw. Are you dumb enough to not realize how damaging the statements are or did you tell him that out of spite?


Yes. this level of cruelty is seldom, if ever, seen in a non-disordered person.
My first wife did the **** size deal. She fits just about every criteria for NPD.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> I do not hate him I Love him. The OM Kept persisting my H is right we had a good marriage. I guess at that time I was feeling unappreciated and not valued for my opinions it was hurtful. But that is NO reason to do what I have done to my H. I want my marriage back and will do ANYTHING even if it causes me embarrassment at work. I don't care anymore!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What about that big **** comment. How do you explain that?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She won't conveniently answer them..


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I also want to know why she went back to him after he gave her an STD


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

That was cruel and I should have never said that .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Yes. this level of cruelty is seldom, if ever, seen in a non-disordered person.
> My first wife did the **** size deal. She fits just about every criteria for NPD.


I listened to a very loud conversation at work between some female colleagues. They were talking about the latest boyfriend of one of them. "I had to dump him." "Why? did he turn out to be horrible?" "Oh, no! He's lovely! He's kind, generous, attentive, handsome... but his **** was not particularly large, so he had to go!" All the girls nodded in agreement and I thought: "Wow. I had no idea you were so shallow."


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> That was cruel and I should have never said that .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why did you say it?


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> That was cruel and I should have never said that .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Note that posters are not asking you "why you said it" to get some voyeuristic kick. (At least, I should think not).

You deliberately said something that humiliated and emasculated your husband, yet you have been very aloof with your answers and explanations. 

Truth be told, I feel you've been vague and distant for the entirety of this topic - if not for your husband's own posts, I doubt we would ever have gotten the whole picture about the affair from you alone. You have been obviously careful with what information you have divulged on this forum. Whether it's because you knew he would be reading, or because you didn't want forum members to judge you harshly, I don't know. The fact is, you need to stop hiding behind vague answers and deflection, and start answering the questions you don't want to face. Not for us, but for your husband, Gator2012.

Gator2012 will no doubt be asking you straightforward and uncomfortable questions. Throwing your hands up and simply stating "I don't know" is a sure-fire way to alienate him and give him the impression that you're not trying. 

We all _know_ it was cruel and that you shouldn't have said it. We're asking you what compelled you to say it. 

Telling him you had intercourse with OM in ways that you never had with your husband, and telling your husband that OM was absurdly well endowed, are enormous, *enormous* put-downs. I don't think you can shame a married man any more than by having his own loving wife tell him he is sexually inadequate - which is _exactly_ what you did. You literally rubbed his nose in the affair.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

The above is why I suggest her husband start considering whether he is dealing with a personality disorder.
No matter how angry I became with my XW, I would never, never hit her that far below the belt.
We are seeing , based on her husband's post, that this woman is very, very damaged. The affair is the tip of the iceberg, IMO.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> That was cruel and I should have never said that .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What some women fail to understand is that this particular type of comment plays into a man's fears like almost nothing else does.
It is the type of comment that, once said, will linger with a man forever.
There is nothing we can do about the size of our penises. We can't change it. So , if a woman says she prefers another shape, size , color or whatever, we can do nothing to compete.
I think it is the equivalent of crossing the Rubicon. If that type of comment finds its way out of a woman's mouth, it is almost always a relationship killer no matter what she does thereafter. It just shalkes a man's confience to the core.
My first wife did this , years ago. It made me so insecure I could not perform with her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> What some women fail to understand is that this particular type of comment plays into a man's fears


Of course they understand, that's why they make them. It's called cruelty. Men have too.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Of course they understand, that's why they make them. It's called cruelty. Men have too.


No, some don't,others do, IMO. For example this woman posting re her cheating does not seem to appreciate just how horrible that particular line of ridcule/abuse is, how permanent the damage is.
Undoubtedly, she knew she was being cruel, but it seems she has no idea of the indelibility of that type of comment.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Im late to the party but considering she is a nurse(one of the highest in infidelity rates) and she had no problem with STD(s), I don't see her quitting her job will yield any solid results. It wont be too far fetched to see her go back to her old habits since the gates have been opened and she tasted a different meat(No offence intended).


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## goalie (Sep 7, 2010)

SOM



> Never dated much *slept with one person my husband*. Had a very sheltered life miss goody to shoes . Got married had 3 kids and life went on.


Not sure how your husband feels about losing the exclusivity of his wife / marriage to the POSOM. But this can never be "undone" - the marriage has been over since you dishonoured your body. 

He's a hero in my view from how he has handled the hell you brought to him. 

The STD attack, and the attack on his masculinity - geez why would he want to continue to grow ols with you>


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I think he knows you have zero love for him to have said thoses things.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would you feel if your husband was cheating on you and told you his lover was the tightest woman he has ever been in? Only a person who was sadistic toward her husband would have said such a thing like you did. I think you are a very cruel and hurtful person. I hope your husband finds a woman in the future who is the direct opposite of you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> The above is why I suggest her husband start considering whether he is dealing with a personality disorder.
> No matter how angry I became with my XW, I would never, never hit her that far below the belt.
> We are seeing , based on her husband's post, that this woman is very, very damaged. The affair is the tip of the iceberg, IMO.


I think you are more than likely right.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I think almost all affairs has an gigantic F.U. element, for whatever reason... percieved failings of the spouse to meet the preconceived ideas of what looks happyness... whatever. And adicted brain (dopamine OD), old resentments plus cognitive disonance brings that kind of cruelty many times.
How many times we hear of the ''ghost'' who they become, the ''alien abduction'', the cold-dark eyes, the mindfuc*ing cruelty...


Bringing up personaly disorders every time... no clue for all the marriage and now is NPD¿


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I agree that every affair is based on anger and resentment by the WS.


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

:smthumbup: Thanks to many things said on this thread, my WS decided today was her last day at work. She resigned effective today, emptied her locker, and is not returning.


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I think almost all affairs has an gigantic F.U. element, for whatever reason... percieved failings of the spouse to meet the preconceived ideas of what looks happyness... whatever. And adicted brain (dopamine OD), old resentments plus cognitive disonance brings that kind of cruelty many times.
> How many times we hear of the ''ghost'' who they become, the ''alien abduction'', the cold-dark eyes, the mindfuc*ing cruelty...
> 
> 
> Bringing up personaly disorders every time... no clue for all the marriage and now is NPD¿


We have discussed the cruel things said regarding the sexual aspects of the affair many times. The above quoted post captures the essence of "why". I don't want this topic discussed on this public forum, so please respect that and drop it now.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That is the minimum she can start with. But it wasn't because of the job that she cheated.

Have you exposed the OM at work?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> That was cruel and I should have never said that .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An old saying *"Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."*

You've had resentment towards your husband stemming from your long held belief that he had an affair years ago and for his uncaring reaction when you told him about the OM pursuing you. Now your husband will have resentment towards you for your betrayal as well as for your extremely cruel behavior post DDay. 

For both your sakes, and the marriage, the two of you must make the conscious choice to get rid of the resentment and bitterness that has festered in your hearts, or it will continue to poison each one of you and bring your marriage closer to ending. *You cannot save your marriage if you can't save yourselves first*.

This is NOT about rewarding one or the other but to acknowledge that even if the two of you go your separate ways that unless the two of you exorcise anger and bitterness from your hearts, you are BOTH doomed to live the rest of your lives poisoning your souls and those closest to you.

While it is very true that we should learn from the past so that we do not condemn ourselves to repeat it, the same can be said about making constant efforts to let go of the evil things of the past in order to move on with your lives. This is not something that one can do for the other but something that each one must do for him/herself. 

Please, BOTH of you read *The Angry Spouse/Relative* from *MaritalHealing.com*


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## Gator2012 (May 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> That is the minimum she can start with. But it wasn't because of the job that she cheated.
> 
> Have you exposed the OM at work?


I will be doing that next, and many other suggestions as well.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Gator2012 said:


> We have discussed the cruel things said regarding the sexual aspects of the affair many times. The above quoted post captures the essence of "why". I don't want this topic discussed on this public forum, so please respect that and drop it now.


She isn't answerable to us. She has to answer to you. We don't matter in your marriage, we just point out the questions so that they aren't swept under the rug. She could have just said that I've discussed this with my H and he is satisfied with my answer and people would have respected that and stopped the questions. She seemed to avoid/ignore important questions through out the thread and isn't saying much beyond "I messed up" and this pissed off people even further who were worried if it was false R


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Someone advise to demand your wife to restore your dignity towards friends/relatives. I stringly disagree with this. Your wife need seriuos counseling, yesterday, to found out how suddenly a woman with her story trashed herself, her marriage nad possibly her carreer this way. Until she's completely out of the fog and facing her demons such an action of stading upon her parents and dismantle the gaslighting and badmouthing will serve no porpouse. Her family will side her no mather what, they always think you are to blame on this. She needs to be way further on the road of healing to really take ownership and tell them to shut the fu*k up.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

morituri said:


> An old saying *"Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."*
> 
> You've had resentment towards your husband stemming from your long held belief that he had an affair years ago and for his uncaring reaction when you told him about the OM pursuing you. Now your husband will have resentment towards you for your betrayal as well as for your extremely cruel behavior post DDay.
> 
> ...


Thank you your advise is appreciated. :iagree:


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Gator2012 said:


> Everyone who knows about the affair knows the truth. Well, at least the part that she was the cheater, not me, and I didn't her the STD. I don't think she' s corrected all the lies she said to them to justify the affair saying how terrible a marriage and husband she had for 23 years.


This has already been corrected. Everyone who knows about A realize that I do not have a terrible husband, we had a good marriage. I was in the Fog.:smthumbup:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> This has already been corrected. Everyone who knows about A realize that I do not have a terrible husband, we had a good marriage. I was in the Fog.:smthumbup:


And you need to dump the friends that new and did nothing to stop it. Sorry, but they are clearly enablers and no friend to the marriage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> This has already been corrected. Everyone who knows about A realize that I do not have a terrible husband, we had a good marriage. I was in the Fog.:smthumbup:


How do you know you aren't in one now? You had 4 D-days. How is this anything different? Not an attack.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good for you resigning your job. That served many purposes, not the least of which showed your husband you are committed to beginning recovery and reconcilliation.

Now you have a long, twisted road ahead of you full of dark valleys (your husband' triggers, temper flares, crying, emotional breakdowns on both your parts).... its not going to be easy. Expect this healing to take 4 to 5 arduous years before your relationship is in the clear. 

And remember, both of you, that you are not "re-building" a marriage. This marriage you now have is a smoking ruin. Its gone, dead, no more. You two will literally be starting from scratch, building an entirely new relationship. It will take hard work, reflection and daily committment on both your parts. If you have the courage to be gracious and loving, persevering and sacrificing, then you might have a shot at making it.

Godspeed.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> This has already been corrected. Everyone who knows about A realize that I do not have a terrible husband, we had a good marriage. I was in the Fog.:smthumbup:


Sure. Blame this one on the fog, what about the next one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Next - you must be fully transparent with your husband and when the OM contacts you - tell you husband immediately and cover nothing up.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

keko said:


> Sure. Blame this one on the fog, what about the next one?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There will NEVER be another one.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Next - you must be fully transparent with your husband and when the OM contacts you - tell you husband immediately and cover nothing up.


:iagree:

This.

The OM is your enemy... he always was. He's a manipulator and a trickster and he hates your marriage and your husband. 

If the sh*thead contacts you in any way, call your husband and tell him immediately! No waiting.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Next - you must be fully transparent with your husband and when the OM contacts you - tell you husband immediately and cover nothing up.


As a matter of fact the OM did contact me today. I told him to never contact me again and I immediately hung up on him and called my H.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> As a matter of fact the OM did contact me today. I told him to never contact me again and I immediately hung up on him and called my H.


Good. Your husband is your ally... your wingman. The two of you, joined together, can withstand anthing this piece of human garbage can throw against you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey SOM------you still don't get it ---DO YOU

Your lover contacted you, and you F'ing answered the call----DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT NC MEANS----You are spose to ignore the call-----If you agreed to NC, why did you answer the call---you still wanted to hear your lovers voice didn't you--

--You are not being selfless, you are still selfish----NC, is ignoring the call, letting your H., know the call came, and let him deal, from now on---NOT YOU---you answered the call---You really still want conversation with this POS, don't you??----how do we even know what you said to your lover---for everything out of your mouth for months, have been lies

NC----MEANS---NC---in any way shape or form!!!!!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey SOM------you still don't get it ---DO YOU
> 
> Your lover contacted you, and you F'ing answered the call----DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT NC MEANS----You are spose to ignore the call-----If you agreed to NC, why did you answer the call---you still wanted to hear your lovers voice didn't you--
> 
> ...


What if the call was from a LAN line that she didn't recognise?

You weren't there. At least she told her husband. That's a start.

Tone it down.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Bandit---believe me she knew----where the call came from---landline's have caller ID------and if she didn't know---the minute she heard his voice---she should have hung up the phone----she didn't, she talked to him-----as for telling her H.---so she told him---so what---it was after the fact---she still talked to her lover----and as to believing her---you can believe her----why should any one else---every other word out of her mouth are lies

You know as well as I do---without harsh actionable consequences AFFAIRS CONTINUE----none of us were there---how do you know she isn't continuing this, and just covering for a phone contact that might be discovered.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> As a matter of fact the OM did contact me today. I told him to never contact me again and I immediately hung up on him and called my H.


So where is that NC letter?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JNJ express, if a person is extremely busy, he/she can answer a phone call without even seeing the caller ID screen on the phone to see who is calling. I do it every single day and I doubt that I am the only one in the world who does this. Without being there to actually witness SOM answering the call, my or your POV is simply speculation.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK---Bandit, and Mori---I will give you the point, on she might not have known who the call came in from---but when her lover started talking she knew----she had a conversation---even if it was one sentence both ways---SHE BROKE NC


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Sorry--got a phone call, I had to answer

Back to my point---is she, or is she not NC---If she is NC---she should not have answered, once she heard his voice, she should have put the phone down, and then, she did contact her H., but damage is already done, he was back in her head/mind/heart----what is it you all do not understand about, NC, means just that---it is there to get the lover out of your head, heart, mind, and wherever else---and she doesn't get to just go and break the NC rule----it is either there or its not---which is it to be??????


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You're right JNJ, she did technically break contact, but I can understand a p!ssed off person doing that as a way of reinforcing to the OM "What part of no contact did you not understand?". Perhaps he didn't believe that she wrote the NC letter and was fishing to see if it was true. She also immediately contacted her husband to tell him that the OM called and that is a huge action towards rebuilding his trust in her. I think she now knows that IF the OM tries to contact her, again, to simply hang up the minute she recognizes his voice and to call her husband again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What did he say he was contacting you about?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Mori, and bandit---I got to air my point---that's all any of us can do---its now up to SOM, and Gator---to each do their thing in re: this mge.---the rest of us, we are just spectators!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> There will NEVER be another one.


Only if YOU keep out your own fog watch and WALK AWAY from any temptation.

Do I speak from personal experience in this? Yes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey Bandit---believe me she knew----where the call came from---landline's have caller ID------and if she didn't know---the minute she heard his voice---she should have hung up the phone----she didn't, she talked to him-----as for telling her H.---so she told him---so what---it was after the fact---she still talked to her lover----and as to believing her---you can believe her----why should any one else---every other word out of her mouth are lies
> 
> You know as well as I do---without harsh actionable consequences AFFAIRS CONTINUE----none of us were there---how do you know she isn't continuing this, and just covering for a phone contact that might be discovered.


If a call comes from a certain type of switchboard they do not always show the number on caller ID.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> You're right JNJ, she did technically break contact, but I can understand a p!ssed off person doing that as a way of reinforcing to the OM "What part of no contact did you not understand?". Perhaps he didn't believe that she wrote the NC letter and was fishing to see if it was true. She also immediately contacted her husband to tell him that the OM called and that is a huge action towards rebuilding his trust in her. I think she now knows that IF the OM tries to contact her, again, to simply hang up the minute she recognizes his voice and to call her husband again.


Or the OM is living in fear? "Oh, Jesus! Maybe she figured out *I* gave her that STD? Will she report me? I might lose my job? What if she tells me wife? I'll call her and see if I can figure out what she'll do!" 

Or it could be an attempt to get back with her? He can't believe that she meant NC! Oh. She did. Poor OM. He can't believe he is no longer seen as God's gift to women.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Or the OM is living in fear? "Oh, Jesus! Maybe she figured out *I* gave her that STD? Will she report me? I might lose my job? What if she tells me wife? I'll call her and see if I can figure out what she'll do!"
> 
> Or it could be an attempt to get back with her? He can't believe that she meant NC! Oh. She did. Poor OM. He can't believe he is no longer seen as God's gift to women.


Yeah how dare a mortal woman reject "the love god"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> Yeah how dare a mortal woman reject "the love god"


"Don't you know *I* am a Doctor?"

A case of "physician, heal thyself", I think...


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey SOM------you still don't get it ---DO YOU
> 
> Your lover contacted you, and you F'ing answered the call----DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT NC MEANS----You are spose to ignore the call-----If you agreed to NC, why did you answer the call---you still wanted to hear your lovers voice didn't you--
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THe OM contacted me at work from an outside line I did not recognize the number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THe OM contacted me at work from an outside line I did not recognize the number,I had to answer the call because I am the nurse at the front desk that checks in patients as they come into the ER. I answered the phone and there was mumbling I asked who is this? When I knew it was him is when I told him not to contact me anymore and hung up on him!


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Do you know if OM had any affairs with other staff? Is he a flirt with female patients?

If it turns out he was spreading STDs on premises, his ass (and his career) are in deep, deep trouble.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

snap said:


> Do you know if OM had any affairs with other staff? Is he a flirt with female patients?
> 
> If it turns out he was spreading STDs on premises, his ass (and his career) are in deep, deep trouble.


I know he had an affair 8 years ago. I do not know if he has had affairs with other staff, but yes he is a flirt.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And if he wasn't in that day how did he know you were working and what phone you would be answering?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

saveourmarriage, i just wanted to chime in again to send you strenth and clarity. You can do it. Stick to the basics:
*NC – No Contact* - That means exactly what it says. None. Nada. None at all, no chats, no calls, no texting, nothing. It must become zero contact until or unless it is explicitly approved by your BS. 

*Total Honesty* - This might be the most difficult part to master in the first days following D-day. After all, in the process of having our affairs, we all mastered the skill of lying to our spouses and to ourselves. Now is the time to learn how to be honest again. No trickle truthing. No telling “little white lies” to protect yourself or your BS from the hurt that you think she will feel if you tell her the truth. You might as well hear it now. The truth will come out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It will hurt less in the long run if it comes out now instead of in dribs and drabs. As most of the WS will be able to tell you from firsthand experience, each TT event resets the marriage clock back to zero again! You do not want to be Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day movie. 
*Perseverance* – It will cost your tears but have courage. You will feel like a yo-yo some days and on other days, the journey will be like a roller coaster. And you must remember that if it feels like **** to you, it’s 100 times worse for your BS. Here is a quote that will help you keep that in perspective. 
Communication - Don’t argue or defend yourself. Just be honest and open. Talk and talk some more with your BS to rebuild your marriage. They need to see not just “I’m sorry I got caught or I'm afraid of the consequences” but she needs to see full and total remorse. The kind of remorse that will come from within when you feel their pain and understand, really understand how you betrayed him and you cry for him, not yourself. Don’t blame shift, don’t become defensive. Talk and be honest with them and yourself. 
*Accept the Blame & Responsibility* – The affair was/is your choice. No blame shifting or excuses. Owe up to it. The hard part is to accept that “how to handle the fallout from your affair” will be your BS’s decision. It may not be the one that you wish he made. Respect his choice, no matter if it hurts. After all, he deserves a shot at making a unilateral decision after the affair because you made a unilateral decision to start the affair. You have the greatest responsibility to repair your mistake. Don’t make him the victim in this. 

*Discover the WHY of the affair *– This might be the hardest part of the whole process. You had the affair for a reason. Find out why and either fix it or leave the marriage. You can’t expect your BS to stay with damaged goods forever. Get IC and self help books, whatever. You can do it. 
*No Destructive Behaviours* – no drinking, no drugs, no anger rants, no violence, no threats. Period. Stand Firm in your Commitment Each and every day, you must face the monster in the mirror and recommit yourself to your future, to this journey, to your spouse, family and marriage. It’s something that can bring the hero out in us if we really want this.

A few books to read:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
Not "Just Friends" 
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts


Hang in there and good luck


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have read JUST FRIENDS but never finished it., but will read "How to heal your spouse from the affair". I will take this to heart what you said. I will find an IC that can really help me and get to the bottom as to WHY the affair. I am glad that I posted here even though you all did a lot of bashing which I deserved. But most importantly this has helped my H cope and to deal in regards to hurting him and my family, and I cannot thank you all enough for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

No charge for the bashing. It's cathartic.:smthumbup:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> Thank you for the words of encouragement. I have read JUST FRIENDS but never finished it., but will read "How to heal your spouse from the affair". I will take this to heart what you said. I will find an IC that can really help me and get to the bottom as to WHY the affair. I am glad that I posted here even though you all did a lot of bashing which I deserved. But most importantly this has helped my H cope and to deal in regards to hurting him and my family, and I cannot thank you all enough for that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you explore "why" it must include the long term "why," not just the short-term why. The short term why is almost always to escape from some sort of reality that was either boring or stressful or otherwise unpleasant, whether actual or perceived. It is always easier to talk about the short term why, you could probably spend hours and hours going on about it but it won't get you very far.

The long-term why is much deeper and more complicated. Why did you choose an affair instead of expressing your needs? Why didn't you communicate your needs? Are your needs so great that any partner could not be expected to reasonably fulfill them? Why are your marital boundaries so weak? And this might include an undiagnosed mental illness.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> When you explore "why" it must include the long term "why," not just the short-term why. The short term why is almost always to escape from some sort of reality that was either boring or stressful or otherwise unpleasant, whether actual or perceived. It is always easier to talk about the short term why, you could probably spend hours and hours going on about it but it won't get you very far.
> 
> The long-term why is much deeper and more complicated. Why did you choose an affair instead of expressing your needs? Why didn't you communicate your needs? Are your needs so great that any partner could not be expected to reasonably fulfill them? Why are your marital boundaries so weak? And this might include an undiagnosed mental illness.


Thank you for your post, I will evaluate as to the "why" of the affair, and seek IC as soon as possible.


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> SOM,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He did file a complaint the letter went in the mail today.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

SOM, please encourage - not pressure - your husband to go to IC as well but one that specializes in helping to treat victims of infidelity and PTSD.

I've also found helpful the works of Dr Albert Ellis PhD, the creator of REBT "Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy" - sometimes also called "Cognizant Behavioral Therapy" - in helping a person defuse toxic emotions like anger that came after an event - i.e. affair - and to gain emotional mastery in order to begin the healing and to make decisions that are based on reason and not emotions. A great book on REBT is *Three Minute Therapy by Dr. Michael R. Edelstein* and though it is an easy read, it nevertheless is very effective and received a strong endorsement from REBT creator Dr. Albert Ellis PhD. I highly recommend it to both you and your husband.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

Forgive me if this has already been posted but im a bit confused.

When did the affair start and how long did it go on for?

How long after your husband discovered the affair did you stop?


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## saveourmarriage (May 23, 2012)

oldmittens said:


> Forgive me if this has already been posted but im a bit confused.
> 
> When did the affair start and how long did it go on for?
> 
> How long after your husband discovered the affair did you stop?


You can read my pathetic story of my betrayal to my H under the thread confused need help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

saveourmarriage said:


> You can read my pathetic story of my betrayal to my H under the thread confused need help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUO
> 
> this is that thread.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

saveourmarriage said:


> There will NEVER be another one.


I heard that from my spouse after her emotional affair and when difficulties arose again...guess what? My reward was a PA.....now its REALLY over!! I don't buy it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> I heard that from my spouse after her emotional affair and when difficulties arose again...guess what? My reward was a PA.....now its REALLY over!! I don't buy it.


It doesn't matter whether we buy it or not, it is her husband the one who needs to decide whether she is sincere or not. His opinion is the only one that matters.

SOM you have been given good advice and information (there's some if you click on the links beneath my sig). It is up to you now to implement it and *show your husband that your "actions speak louder than your words"*.


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