# She doesn’t know how to initiate...



## foozlemonster (Mar 9, 2011)

My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it. She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This is just something she needs to work on. Does she initiate kisses? Affection? Because if she doesn’t initiate those then expecting her to initiate sex is unrealistic.

Does she even want to learn how to initiate? Is she willing to get out of her comfort zone.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

foozlemonster said:


> My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. *Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it.* She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


The important question is, how long does the mood last? Is she in the mood at that moment, or can she anticipate and look forward to sex later? Do you have to strike while the iron's hot, or have something to look forward to? It makes a big difference in terms of what she'll feel comfortable doing. 

This isn't as easy a question as it seems. If she's in the mood and it's a "now" thing, why say anything at all? Slide a hand down between the legs while giving a hug with the other. But if she's uncomfortable with the subject in general, that's tougher.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

foozlemonster said:


> My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it. She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


Yes, quit making her initiate. Like Nike says: just do it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How long have you been married? Is this a change, or has she always been like this, and you married her anyway, and are just now addressing the issue?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

foozlemonster said:


> My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it. She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


I've read your other posts from quite a few years ago. I am assuming this is the same wife from back then. 

Some people just aren't all that in bed. Some people are simply not what you want in a lover. Some people aren't a very compatible match for you sexually. 

From reading your posts from 8 years ago and here you are again, I think you are barking up the wrong tree for what you want in the bedroom. 

I don't think the answer here will lie in getting her to be more assertive when she is feeling frisky. The answer is probably in you being more perceptive and being able to pick up on some very subtle signals from here. 

It could be things as subtle as her snickering at one of your stupid jokes 3 decibels louder than she usually does. It could be holding eye contact for 1/2 second longer. It could be brushing your arm as she walks by you in the kitchen. 

Before my wife lost all libido and interest, her "go-time" signal was she would lightly tough her toes on my calf in bed as we were waking up in the morning. 

I am just throwing those out there, but her signals will be unique to her. It will basically be her on little green-light signal that it is ok for YOU to make the move. 

In porn movies and in teen sex comedy movies, it portrays women as being the sexual aggressors. That is because it very rarely happens in real life and we all wish they would. 

Even when women themselves think they are being over the top and brazenly aggressive, it often goes right over our heads. The more you can learn to pick up subtle little signs and hints, the more successful you will be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that being said, I think some of what she is saying here may be BS to get you off her back. 

My wife used to say things like that as well. She would say that she was in the mood but that I was busy doing something else or wasn't home or that she didn't know what to do or say to indicate to me she was down. 

I now know that was BS. She was just saying that to make it sound like she still was in the game but that it was somehow MY fault that I didn't seize the moment or that I was on the ball enough to capitalize on the opportunity. 

There is a good chance here that she is just using that as a carrot to dangle in your face so you don't think she is dead inside and pack your bags. 

It's basically shifting the blame back on you that you didn't try hard enough at the right time and missed your chance. Too bad, so sad. Maybe next time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

foozlemonster said:


> My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it. She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


Per your past threads, she's someone who was involved with and used to give blow jobs to a married cop before she met you, and some time into your marriage, suddenly decided she now feels guilty about that, and announced she'd no longer give them to you..

Now she's saying, well, there are times she's interested in sex with you, but she doesn't know how to portray it.

Sex in a marriage should not be this hard. She's a sexually experienced, adult woman who has been married for quite some time now.

You have a lot of sorting out to do. If she was interested in providing you with a happy, mutual, fulfilling sex life, SHE WOULD BE.


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## foozlemonster (Mar 9, 2011)

I appreciate the responses. 

First off, when I was on here way back when, I was a very selfish person. Once I started to learn that and improve on it, things got better. Not swinging from the ceiling or anything, but better. 

We are trying to continue to improve our sex life. So I was just looking for creative ways to improve communication. 

I know my wife’s communication skills, well. While this may be an excuse, it’s definitely something she has struggled with, for years.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

foozlemonster said:


> My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it. She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


I'll start with what not to do. don't assume that every time she comes up and gives you a kiss or snuggles with you on the couch that she wants sex. 

To me it just sounds like she isn't comfortable initiating. but it also sounds like more or less you're just looking for a sign from her when she's ready to have sex because you're always ready and she's not and that's fair. 

You two are going to have to come up with something. I mean it just needs to be a sign. Maybe you agree that she just touches you on the leg or comes and sits in your lap. Ask her what type of thing it would make her comfortable to do. And if she's just not comfortable with any of it then tell her now you'll need to discuss a way for her to indicate that she is not in the mood when you are so that you don't get your feelings hurt every time.


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## foozlemonster (Mar 9, 2011)

Downbytheriver, I agree. I have struggled with making every intimate moment a sexual one. That’s the main reason I’m looking for ways she can help me decode the situation. Thank you for the ideas.


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## Impulse (Jun 10, 2020)

foozlemonster said:


> Downbytheriver, I agree. I have struggled with making every intimate moment a sexual one. That’s the main reason I’m looking for ways she can help me decode the situation. Thank you for the ideas.


There shouldn’t be anything to decode. Really. You have to CREATE the situation yourself.
It’s a recipe for disaster when you have a situation in a marriage where the blind is trying to lead the deaf. YOU make it happen. Don’t expect anything from her. She will follow. 
If she consistently refuses to go along, then you have a different set of problems which requires a different approach. But the way you worded your question makes me wonder whether you understand how (some) women ‘work’ in that department?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

foozlemonster said:


> My wife and I struggle with sex. I try to be understanding, but I am very HD. Recently, she said when she is in the mood, she doesn’t know how to portray it. She says it makes her uncomfortable to say something. Any ideas on making this easier for her?


Why don't you buy her some "f#cking jewelry?" Say a nice pearl necklace and matching ear rings to wear when she wants to have sex. In some cultures a woman dresses in her finest gold jewelry when she wants to feel special and that helps reinforce her desire to have sex.

Or you could sit down with her and look through some sexy underwear or night gowns for her to wear when she is in the mood. If that is too much maybe a special perfume.

It would be best if she had the confidence and bravery to initiate, but some people have a hard time saying things. That is why signalling their desire in other ways may work instead.

Maybe she could say to you something or do something with you instead of directly discussing sex. For example, honey, let's go a great take-out dinner or can we hold hands and watch TV before we go to bed tonight?

It is best to talk to her about these things rather than just do a covert contract where you buy something and expect her to give you sex in return. My wife use to cook me a really great steak dinner, salad, baked potato dinner when she really wanted sex. Now she asks me if I want to cuddle. We both know what that means.

Good luck


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Easy. All she has to do is walk out in a T shirt and no panties, or some similar fashion show H she has no panties on.

No talking, nothing to say.

Easy peasy. 

Works everytime in my household, still after 36 years M. 

Every time. Every.....time....


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## cd2 (Nov 17, 2020)

agree with RR... no talking, nothing to say... my wife initiates by making a little eye contact and smiling... good enough for me. Too many kids around here for more outward displays.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If your wife is that repressed that she can't just say to you "honey, let's hit the bed -- I need some lovin"
How about just telling her to do a certain thing to get the point across?
Like, tap you on the arm 5 times, or rub her leg on your calf, or some other non-subtle way that you KNOW that she is in the mood. Once she does that signal, you can take over from there.


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## ishtov (Dec 15, 2019)

What about proposing to here something as simple as, that when she is in the mood, to place a something in a certain spot. It can be changing the shelf a snowglobe sits on. Or placing a towel on your bed.
Sounds silly, I know, but effective. This way she does not need to directly have your attention, or fear that she would be misinterpreted.
Similat to jIg07's idea, but with no directness.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

@foozlemonster . If she is really interested in getting better, there is great website for women on improving their sex life: www.badgirlsbible.com. It is run by sex coach. a lot of advise, including detailed "how to"


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