# He's got both feet out the door.. Help



## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

I'll try and make this brief as I can. About two years ago my husband left the state we live in for a job. With the promise of moving the children and I to the new state. I need to add the six months before he left were hell on both of us. He wasn't making the money he wanted to and I was full time caring for my father who lived with us while he was dying of cancer, I also took care of mom til her death a couple of years earlier. I didn't want him to leave, told him so, thought a major change like that was too soon for him, us, the children, and we spoke with our pastor. He left anyway and said it was all about the money and I believed him. He's come to visit the children and I twice for three days each time. The last time he was here I thought we had a short but wonderful time. I did notice he had is cell on him 24/7, took many texts, and calls. So did our 20 year old daughter who copied all of his cell texts, after she saw one from his x-wife. He doesn't have a password so she didn't break in to the phone, and we do have a family plan. It took her about a week to give me the messages and over three for me to read through them. I was ill, he had planned on leaving us, taking the out of state job much earlier, however my father's illness kept him here longer. He's been having an emotional affair with the x-wife, planning their future, and I should add she's married. But having a sexual affair with a women he met through his work. He does not know I know all of this but now is telling me our 19 years together was crap, that I wasn't a good wife, and when we sell the house and move to where he is "we will have to rethink our marriage". I know from his texts he wants a divorce, is happy he won't have to pay child support for our daughter, and wants custody of our 12 year old twin boys, and needs me to go to work ( I've been a stay at home mom and wife) so he won't have to pay as much child support and alimony. To be honest I would hate me too from everything I read about me on his phone. I don't know his earnings anymore, he's not making the house payments, and not sending money to his family. I don't know if I should file for a divorce or try to talk to him about what I know. I have no family to help us, have not worked in 20 years, and am just plain old scared.


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

Our marriage had problems in the past with trust issues. Basically him lying to me about big things, him drinking a lot, and sexual self gratification. Because of those things, we had a dry sexual life for a time. I had trust issues, couldn't give myself to him and fought with him more then I should have because of it. I felt ugly, under valued, and was yelled at. The sicker my Dad got I realized I needed to let go of the past problems and work on us. I wanted a good marriage like my parents had. It was hard for both of us but we were much happier or so I thought. Our sex life improved greatly, we talked, I forgave, I apologized for my contribution to the cycle, we watched movies on the couch with our arms around one another and I thought we were moving forward together. So I was shocked about his out of state job. In finding his texts two years later, I see him telling his x-wife "she threw herself at me but I kicked her out of our bed or when she kisses me I turn away". Then I see a text to me not five minutes later saying something sexual. Him joking with her about all the things I didn't know. Like his new job or driving to see her on his way to his new job upon leaving us, or her visiting him in his new state for the night, and all his drinking. Her leading him on about during our dry sexual times how I must have been getting it else where. Even with the texts to her I can't prove anything more the an emotional affair. BUT then I found THE texts, not with her but another woman. The kind that proves a sexual relation has occurred many times. Although we had a wonderful time when he was here last, before I knew any of this and his girls. As hateful and sickening all the texts were was the last one I saw, to both of them. "Got off the plane and in her land, can't wait to get home, just here to see the kids, glad she wants a divorce". Yet while he was here I got hand holding, kisses, trust me, and we will be together. Now I get if you move here, we'll have to re think our marriage. What marriage, to whom, and when did I say I want a divorce? Kills me as he doesn't know I know anything about his plans to dump me. I feel so darn stupid. Trust was our biggest issue and now this? Hello, I'm scared, hurt beyond belief, and know the past two years have been a sham.

He called tonight spoke to our sons, not our daughter and gave me about two minutes of his time I tried to engage him in what we here did today. But again I was told "just get a real job" and he hung up. Please understand we mutually made the decision for me to be a SAHM before I was pregnant with our first child. I've done everything at home all these years. Cooking, cleaning, all painting in and out of the house, learned how to fix things on the DTY channel, yard work, he did mow the lawn now and again, and the children have been 105% mine to take care of 24/7. I never went out with friends, ran up debts or sat on my butt. Kept myself looking good in hopes he would stop the self gratification and I like looking the best I can. We were told at his work events "how did you get such a nice and nice looking woman"? At one point I wanted to work outside of the home but was told that I would be working to pay for day care as a low wage earner and he was right. I'm NOT saying my life was hard however I most certainly made a contribution to our marriage and life. I tried to have everything cleaned proper, children in bed, and made time for him. Even through the dry spell I wanted some form of intimacy. My parents paid me to care for them, when I wanted our family to go to Disneyworld or a vacation. I found a way to pay for it. Be it house cleaning or yard sale. Never have had a pedicure, nails done, or jewelry given. Birthday's and Christmas I found a way to buy him a present with my earned money, never got one in return. Have a wedding ring, it meant the world to me and that's all I needed. I appreciated being a SAHM and volunteer at school, with children foster programs, church, and help in different programs. I have cleaned homes while the boys are in school since he moved. It doesn't bring in much money, only about $500 a month, but I am working in and out of the home and with him being gone everything falls into my lap. Through our past issues I felt gratitude that he worked hard to allow me to be home with the kids and care for the house. And told him often, we never would/will be rich but it was okay. Now I know he's a okay with us loosing our house ( he will inherit about six hundred thousand when his elderly dad dies, not including any insurance), that he could care less about our marriage or providing for me in anyway once he divorces me. I see that 183 people have seen my post, can anyone post any response? Good, bad, or indifferent.


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## scottdadoftwins (Apr 15, 2014)

First off - don't blame yourself. That puts you in the wrong frame of mind for deciding what to do next. You may be feeling conflict about knowing the truth and deciding how to respond because it's quite possibly a lose lose for you. Either way he will likely leave if his texts with the other woman are serious and not ways to manipulate her into bed. 

An attorney will likely tell you to file because you want the advantage in court. But is not a requirement. It might be better to continue to gather evidence and create a journal/timeline of events and details. Pull bank, phone and credit card statements, look for patterns based on dates, times, places/locations. 

The ball is in your court. You could play on knowing you have the advantage of building a solid case for keeping the kids and getting alimony, or you could make it quick and painless but possibly with fewer advantages in court and do it now. 

Also remember to keep your plans 100% to yourself. Trust no one because getting stabbed in the back is costly during divorce. And please see a therapist and bring an introspective list of personal improvements that you think your husband might make issue of in court. Therapy helps.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, this is not your fault. Never.

And know this: you will NEVER get him back, if that's what you want, by staying there and waiting for him to notice you.

The only chance you have is to file for divorce, to wake him up. But honestly, he's gone. He never planned to be with you. And frankly, why would you want a serial cheater? Serial cheaters never stop cheating; they just add more women.

You deserve better.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He has seen his children for a total of 6 days in 2 years? How long has he not been supporting the household? What does he say about this? How can he pretend with you and not provide an explanation for his actions?

Do not get a job before the divorce is final. Keep all those texts and then blow up his ex's and girlfriends fantasies when they read that he was cheating on them, too. He is some piece of work.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whatever you do, DONT MOVE. Divorce this lying, cheating POS, and do it without him knowing. He deserves that sucker punch!


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

He stopped paying on the house in Nov. He does pay electric, cable, and gas. (About $500 a month) However he's paying the three late every month. So we're living in fear about everything getting shut off every month. I had a little bit of savings and almost brought the house current. We eat off my house cleaning jobs. He has a sales job and his excuses are I'm having a bad sales month and I'm giving you guys all I can. Stop asking for money and go get a job. I know what he made last year from our taxes and with a adjusted gross his income on average is $5000 a month, plus he says his income is going up. I really don't know what he's doing with the money. I do know he bought himself a new car. He doesn't deposit his pay checks in our bank, just small cash deposits. I believe he's starving us out of the home to force me into getting a job. From his texts he believes if I go to work he will have to pay less in child support and alimony. My daughter has heard she too should go to work to help out. She goes to community collage full time and this summer plans to get a job. But she shouldn't have to pay for her siblings or mom. My credit is trashed and I have no savings now. He no longer knows the boys and never interacted with the children when he was here. He worked out of the home and my job was/is the house and children. He never hit me but did hit our daughter once and pushed her around another time while drinking. He did stupid things though like taking the boys to the snow and forgetting the snow boots and jackets, strapping them into the car seats and backing out of the driveway with the doors wide open. Speeding with the children in the car and leaving them alone in the car. I know now their older but because of these type of things, the lying, cheating, no interactions other then six days and maybe five minutes of phone calls per week I want sole custody of the boys. Also from his texts there is a lot of drinking and in one text he advises the new gal to grow pot for extra income. Has anyone on the forum had good luck with legal aide for help in this type of thing. He burned though our savings before he left here, has little 401k, and may have some money tucked away. I want alimony for the years we were married, the house may have some value to it if sold, but really want the children. I would allow him to visit the kids supervised but at this time that's about it. Could legal aide help me or is that out of the question? I've talked to my Pastor but I don't think it counts as counseling. Can't afford to to that ether. It's all so depressing, I never thought something like this would happen, and just think there should have been more I could have done to save our marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sleeplessmostnights said:


> He stopped paying on the house in Nov. He does pay electric, cable, and gas. (About $500 a month)
> 
> his income on average is $5000 a month


Wait, what?! 

You realize what he's doing, right? Lying to you and sending you a paltry 10% of his income IS CHEAPER THAN DIVORCING YOU.

Get yourself to a lawyer TOMORROW. Borrow the money, get the lawyer to have your H pay your court fees so you can pay the person back, and MAKE HIM PAY YOU CHILD SUPPORT.

Come on, sleepless, don't be naïve. He moved on at LEAST 2 years ago and figured pretending to still be married (and seeing his kids twice in 2 years) would SAVE HIM MONEY.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Wait, what?!
> 
> You realize what he's doing, right? Lying to you and sending you a paltry 10% of his income IS CHEAPER THAN DIVORCING YOU.
> 
> ...


YEP!! What a piece of sh!t, he is neglecting his children! 

Look, you are going to have to get a job. But he will have to pay child support, and probably alimony since you have been a SAHM all these years. Get to a lawyer NOW! Like Turnera said, borrow money if you have to, and have as part of the settlement that HE pay your attorney's fees! You need to be ruthless about this, make him pay for the house and everything! This is one of THE MOST despicable things I have read on here! Starving his kids while he is off living with another woman!


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

Borrowing money is easier said then done. I have no family, our church can't help (I asked), and we moved from our home state five years ago. With taking care of my parents and the kids I never really met new friends. Don't get me wrong I have a couple of ladies I like but no one who could lend me money. Looked around here and attorneys don't do free consultations. Has anyone used legal aide with good results or something like it?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Definitely talk to a lawyer.

Visit the website Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com and look for "the list" in the forums. It has a lot of great information on preparing for divorce. How and what to document in the way of child care, house expenses, assets, etc. Though aimed at dads, the info applies equally to moms.

I think you should research the divorce laws in your state and in his. Then, in consultation with your attorney, choose to either file in your state or in his. It may be beneficial to file in his state.

If you have all of his personal information, which you should, you could pull a credit report which will list all of his bank accounts, loans, and other financial accounts. Though this may be illegal (idk if it is or not for spouses), so use your judgment on whether to do it. With this info you will have an easier time gathering all the financial data in order to get your fair share of the total assets.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

See if United Way can help.


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

May God forgive me, our tax money came in. I'm taking all but a $100. By doing thing I know it's the end. He will never forgive me, but I need to pay the bills for the house, and I know I'll have a roof over the kids and my head for one more month. But I know I have drawn the line. Pray for me and my kids.


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

The tax money is to make a house payment, as he has not, pay the gas bill, again to keep it from being shut off and to pay the electric for the month, for the same reason. After that the kids and I will have enough for food and a couple of weeks of gas for my car that has 125.000 miles on it. And if lucky find free legal aide before next months bills are due. We don't live high on the hog never have. The kids and I are a cheap date but worth more the $500 a month out of his 5 K a month. I can and will account for every tax penny, can't say the same on his income. But just because I'm taking control it will be the end for us. And never a dollar will cross our path unless he's made to pay. So trust me, this small amount of money will be well spent... On Bills


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

But Dear Lord I Am Scared..


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

I already understand the house is gone. I would just like to get back maybe 20K out of the 65 we put out for it. I will need to move someplace and live with in my means, what ever that may be. However I will ask that while the divorce goes through that the kids and I be allowed to stay here. He has no real investment here money wise I own 75% and him 25%, and he checked out over two years ago for his new life. One day he'll be rich, me not so much, and my big fear other then Dad of the year going for our boys, is his Daddy has deep pockets. I'm not about to say I was a perfect wife 
and in hind sight, there was things I wish I could do over. However I loved that man through thick and thin. Through all our problems, health issues, his lies, and my belief of love will get us through. Maybe I'm stupid because I'm still not going for a divorce but I am saying to him the bills here need to be paid. Wish I could say and stop [email protected]%ing around with your two women, but he doesn't know I know. 19 years of marriage and two years of dating down the drain. Never cheated, never lied, loved him, and to find out my Dad didn't die quick enough for him to start his new life with his first now married three times, or the cookie who's sleeping with him. Makes me ill, I'm told I'm nice, smart, looking good for my age and never once looked at another man! And with what his doing, don't think I ever will. Children, cats, and dogs will be my best friends.


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## ChessMa (Apr 15, 2014)

Soooo, you still don't want to divorce him? I'm wondering if there is something wrong with you. The man has left. He abandoned you and his children - for two whole years - and all you can worry about is getting a job means he will have to pay less child support. He won't have to pay ANY child support because you refuse to divorce him, remember?

I don't believe attorneys don't do free consultations. I'm also wondering if you are even serious or if you are a troll because you simply are not making any sense. He is messing around with TWO women; he has talked about you to these women; he has lied on you to these women; he has lied ABOUT you to these women; he is not keeping up the household finances; he is not paying the mortgage at all; he left TWO years ago; he has seen you and the children for a total of 6 days, and he keeps telling you to get a job. But you don't want to divorce him. You're even afraid to spend the tax refund to pay the month's mortgage - the refund that is as much yours as it is his - and your mood changes with each post, making it sound like you and the children need money so badly for all these things when anyone in your position would at least get food stamps to help with groceries. Much of the country has done that within the past 5 years until they could get back on their feet.

This stuff is not adding up and not making any sense at all.

You can get money and food stamps. They will go after him for the money they are giving you and the children.

You CAN find an attorney who offers free consultation the first time.

You can file for divorce, and the court will make him pay a certain amount for upkeep and so his wife and children don't starve until the divorce is final, at which time you will be awarded alimony (if possible in your state) and child support.

The amount of child support he has to pay will be based first on your earning potential, which is little of nothing since you've been a homemaker for nearly 20 years. It will be based secondly on the amount you are currently earning, which will also be minimal since you will be earning little more than minimum wage. That means he will still have to pay the maximum amount based on his own income.

As someone else told you, ask your attorney to check into the divorce laws in the state he lives in. Whatever attorney you retain in your area will already know the laws in your state. S/He can then determine which state is most beneficial to file the divorce papers in. If your state does not allow alimony but his state does, then his state is the best one to file in.

Stop being afraid of your own shadow and start getting smart. He has outwitted you for an awful long time because it's easier than you having to do any thinking.

Or, stop pulling people's leg because you have nothing better to do. Like I said, none of this makes sense, especially since you make excuses and bring up stupid barriers to doing anything sensible. You must be laughing your butt off to be so successful at making people respond to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A woman on another forum moved her kids into a woman's shelter for a few months while she got her legal ducks in a row. Now she's thriving, about to graduate with a degree, and doesn't need a thing from her husband. 

Not saying you need to go into a shelter, just that you can be creative and find ways to get what you need. And you will NEVER get what you need from HIM without a lawyer.


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## Sleeplessmostnights (Apr 16, 2014)

Oh trust me our story is real. And NO I can not get a free consult from any attorney in my area. I would be more then happy if someone cared enough to PM me, find out where I live, and help me. I dare someone to find a lawyer who will do a free consult for me! The cost to walk through a lawyers door is $250.00 for an hour. I have even tried to ask for just a half an hour, it's a no go. Also I'm not understanding the thought of my husband even knowing, I know about his ex, or the women he is sleeping with. It was found in his texts by our daughter on his last visit. AND he does not know I have these texts! Yes, I may have been stupid to believe him these last two years. That he moved to improve our finances, I did not know about his cheating, please re-read what I wrote. About the time I found the cheating is when the money started to dry up. His texts also reveled his plans made before he left us. I did not know until his last visit! And now that I took "our" tax money, he says it's over. I knew I drew the line in the sand. But now I need legal help and have no money. Why should I, the kids, and pets go to a shelter, when we own a home where I own 75% and he 25%? Why should I loose everything and our kids end up with nothing?The house is all I have. I know it will have to be sold, I will have to down size, and live within my new means. But by God I was raised never to divorce, couples worked through their problems, children meant everything, and when married in God's eyes it was for life. And yes I'm scared, for me and our children. I can't find ONE attorney who will talk to me, unless I cough up $250.00 for one hour of their time. Again anyone who does not believe me. PLEASE PM me and hep me find legal counsel!! Do I want to live in fear, have him control, worry about losing the house, worry about our boys, hell to the NO. Just got a lovely email from him tonight telling me for the last 12 years all he felt was anger and hate for me. And the kicker.. What broke our marriage up is me not trusting him. LOL, I know I have never spoke about knowing of his physical or emotional affairs. Seems it may be the ONLY thing I have going for me. :scratchhead: Our marriage may not have been perfect, I was not perfect, but what he has done is very very wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good grief, you're an adult, just sell the house. It's just a house. Live in an apartment for a year or rent rooms from some old lady whose house is too big, use $2000 of the money to pay your lawyer, and move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Good grief, you're an adult, just sell the house. It's just a house. Live in an apartment for a year or rent rooms from some old lady whose house is too big, use $2000 of the money to pay your lawyer, and move on.


EXACTLY!! You'd best get into survival mode, for god's sake, think of the well being of your kids! 

Any man that would move away from his family and leave them to basically starve is a true piece of garbage. What a low life scumbag. The more money you can wring out of him in divorce, the better.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Can you get access to his cash somehow? You legally are entitled to it because you are married. You are in fact legally entitled to ALL of the assets. If you are not on his bank account then the bank will not give you the money. But if you are on, for example, a joint credit card you could legally take out a cash advance on the card even if the account is in his name. Our main credit card is an account in only my name, but my wife has an authorized card with her name on it. Thus (dang I just realized this loophole!) she could take a cash advance for the full credit limit on the card.

Alternatively, a lawyer may be able to get your husband to pay your half legal fees. While it is not the same as a retainer paid in advance, there may be a lawyer who would take your case if he knows your husband has enough assets.

It may also be possible for a lawyer to file some kind of court order to freeze your husband's bank accounts or to transfer half to you immediately. This might even be done prior to filing for divorce.

Do you know anyone who has a relative or a friend who is a lawyer? Use your contacts to see if you can get some free advice.

Do you have FaceBook? If so, does your husband have it? You could post a message asking for friends to help you find a lawyer. But if your husband could find out about the posting it would be potentially bad to give him a clue you might be thinking about divorce.

Can you physically go to a Legal Aid office rather than call on the phone? You may get at least a few minutes with a lawyer or you might get some info pointing you in a productive direction.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

My lawyer is asking the court for my husband to pay most of my legal fees.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

DIVORCE!! Good attorney


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sleepless, here are some tips for you:

Legal Help - Google "Legal Aid" and you'll likely find a host of programs that you can apply for. Most state bar associations run one, and most of those associations require practicing lawyers to perform a certain number of pro-bono hours every month for people in situations just like yours. I'm sure there is an organization available in your area. For instance, in Kansas, we have kansaslegalservices.org, and my county has a Legal Aid Society as well. After pursuing that, just start calling law offices all over town and asking if they have any pro-bono hours available. I did that myself and I'd say about a 1/3 of the 25-30 offices I called had some kind of pro-bono or discounted services available, and most of those offers a free 1-hour consultation.

Mortgage Savings - Yes you should probably consider selling your house or getting a job. Outside of that, and if there really is no way to get an attorney for free, or one who is willing to work for you on a payment schedule and you need some money up front, just stop paying your mortgage for a while. You mentioned that your credit is already bad, so no worries there. After three to four months, your bank will offer foreclosure avoidance options to help keep you in your home. (Required to by recent legislation, but even so, remember that the bank would much rather find an alternative solution for keeping you in your home and recuperating your loan than have to go through the massive expense of evicting you and auctioning it off as it.) That process then takes a couple of months as well. I know this from personal experience. This will allow you to save all of the money that would have gone to a mortgage payment for six months or more, and should quickly add up to be enough to cover attorney fees. Plus, your husband will start getting calls about the payment as well, so who knows, if he is concerned about his own credit being damaged, he might just step in an pay it!

Cost of Living - Apply for food stamps, welfare, or other programs available in your area. This isn't the time to be too proud, and you'll probably only use them for a few months or so anyway. Just do what I did, make use of them for a few months and then once you are on your feet, make a contribution to the United Way every year going forward to help "pay it forward."

IF NOTHING ELSE - If you really feel like you can't get an attorney to help you, then just go down to the courthouse and ask for the paperwork yourself. Having an attorney do it would be MUCH better of course and help avoid confusion and possible delays. If nothing else however, simply filing for the initial divorce AND an emergency custody order, will get you a temporary child support order as well, usually within a few days. Seriously don't forget that part, ask for the emergency custody order. It's pretty much automatically granted to whomever files for it first. (That's why they always say that the spouse who files first has an advantage, because it puts the burden of proof on the other spouse.) From there, you can get some child support with which to help pay for the attorney.


There are tons of options available to you, and all of them would be better than continuing to barely survive under your husband's thumb. This might seem scary up front, or might be difficult at first, but everything would very quickly improve from there.


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