# So shocked



## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

It was to be our 27th wedding anniversary a friday I took off work to go surprise her at her workplace for lunch shopping dinner later, just spend the entire day together. I stopped at the mailbox grabbed the mail as I went to get ready to go. Someone sent me an anonymous letter that had a picture of my wife and another man and said she was having an affair with this man from work. I couldn't believe it must be a joke. I went to her work and sat in the parking lot and out she came got in her car and headed out I got caught behind a red light and lost her. I called her asked what she was up to and she said she was heading out for some lunch I went there and her car was not there I called her again and asked where she was she said getting a salad at this place to which I said I was there and didn't see your car. she sounded surprised and then I mentioned the letter I had gotten. She started to say how angry she was with people and how they gossip "you know water cooler talk" and it made her so angry. I said we have been together over 30 years you owe me the truth are you having an affair? That was the longest silence I have ever endured. Finally I said I guess that answers my question. She came right to the parking lot to talk to me. First she denied it saying they were just really really good friends and they hadn't done anything
I took her phone and listened to a voice mail from him telling her he was on his way to the gym and he loved her. I saw texts expressing love, missing him, thinking of him luv u lots. Then I knew they were meeting early in the morning at the gym, worked all day in the same building. I left and went to a local bar for a drink called her and set up a meeting with her and him. He was a defiant jerk claiming they did nothing wrong. Now my wife was just in tears and acting very remoresful I asked him if he would like someone talking to his wife like he did in texts and voicemail "no probably not" I asked if his wife would like what he was doing probably not he said. I told him I wanted to talk to his wife he said sure I said right now he said not till he had a chance to talk to her first. I gave him 24 hours then she better call me and it better be her. all this time my wife said not on word just sat there head down. I left but met up with my wife to talk some more later. She was very sorry and said now she didn't love him they were just really close friends. and it was just an emotional affair. the next day his wife finally called me and said she believed her husband over the letter sender and he told her he had said things to my wife in texts and voicemail that she wouldn't like. I said fine but we continued to talk. He showed her some emails that were pretty harmless I told her my wife has thousands of emails in her inbox and not one from him she had deleted everyone of them the next morning before I could see them. Well things didn't add up for him and she figured out he was hiding it and lieing to her. Thats what happened and here are some other facts. It had been going on for 11 months They talked all the time on the phone early months it was 400 to 500 minutes the last 9 months were anywhere from 900 minutes to almost 1300 minutes. The first person she talked to on the phone during the day was him about two thirds of the days and the last person she talked to before going to sleep was him about half the days. Text messages were another 300 to 400 messages a month and at all hours including alot of texts from 11:00pm to 3 or 4am. Dates I can remember when I know we were together she was texting and calling him from the bathroom . Even restarea bathrooms when we were on vacation or when she would go get some coffee at the continental breakfasts at the motels. I feel like I lived a lie I feel so betrayed. I'm not the guy who was on her mind. She claims thats not true and she always thought we had a good marriage. Sorry but that really confuses me. I just don't know how to get over it. I love her dearly and she has been doing what she can (no contact with him but she can't talk to me about it. When we do talk everything is very vague she doesn't remember or doesn't know. 
I don't know if she is telling the truth about any part of the affair or is being so vague so she doesn't have to lie. 

We have been working on things like we have coffee in bed almost every morning and talk she texts me and calls me now which I like, but sometimes it seems like alot of work and that if one or the other doesn't maintain constant contact it's going to be a bad day. I still want answers to questions and she doesn't want to rehash it. She wants to forget it ever happened and move forward. I want to know why and make sure that problem is fixed.
I apologize for being so windy but it just all came pouring out and even with what I said there is so much more. 

any advice or experience with similar situations would be appreciated. Thanks


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Okay, what do you think you can accomplish by knowing more of the seedy little details. Nothing but things that are going to cause more hurt and grief for you. SHe was right in stating not to keep rehashing, you need to move forward together. If she has ended it, and wants to be with you, then she has to be transparent. A councelor might be beneficial to you both. By yourselves at first and then together. I don't think you should give up on this marriage. I think you have alot to work towards. I think you were right that there was something not right in your marriage. You lost that spark between the two of you and you guys need to light that fire all over again. Have faith if she really wants to salvage the marriage help her.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You caught your wife, now it is time to move forward. Rehashing it will only keep things bad for the both of you and you can never forgive or heal.

draconis


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

Part of the lure of affairs lies in that there is no history of emotional pain. Many marriages are bloody battlefields where one of the first casualties is trust. Without trust, there can be no sharing of ones deepest thoughts and feelings (intimacy). But trust is a two way street and sometimes one spouse has to make the first effort to put the first foot forward before the other spouse feels safe enough to do the same. Sure your wife betrayed you in one of the most vile ways a human being can to another, but if you truly want to rebuild your marriage, you are going to have to make the effort to put your ego aside and remind her through your love and compassion why you are light years better than the scumbag OM.

Remember that famous line from the movie "A Few Good Men" ? The one where the Jack Nicholson character shouts back to the Tom Cruise character "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!" Well ask yourself, if you can seriously handle the truth without it further hurting you or your wife? Wouldn't the truth be less damaging after you and your wife have had some time to rebuild your trust in one another and are both strong enough to finally face it with all its gory details? Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that when my ex-wife finally told me about her affairs through our decades long marriage, I was far from being healed and it just made me withdraw completely from her until there was nothing left inside me to rebuild the marriage and subsequently filed for divorce. While there is no guarantee that my marriage would have survived if I had followed my own advice to you, I seriously believe that it would have had a fighting chance if I had done so.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your story has some similarities to my own and I know your pain. It is not unnatural that she is unable to discuss him with you. Yes it could be that she is hiding something but it could also be guilt, pain and anxiety. Like it or not this man has been a large part of her life for sometime and she can’t turn her feelings off like a light switch. She will need time. Does she owe you answers for how far the affair went? Yes she does but maybe not right now. You will both need time to get your arms around your feelings and your marriage. In most affairs, emotional or physical the spouse strays because they feel something is missing from the marriage. You will both need to sort through these things and understand each other. I definitely suggest counseling to help you through this process. Rebuilding trust will be a part of it and that can be difficult. And I will likely be a long process. My wife and I are still trying to recover and it’s been a year since I found out about her EA. But we are also so much better than we were when it all fell apart as you’re feeling now. Take time and care in repairing your marriage. I know it is easy to be angry and hurt and she has after all made a huge mistake here, but get control of yourself and the situation and move forward as she has expressed a want to. She must maintain the no contact rule with him and since they work at the same place she or him will need to make a change. Good luck, it can get better with time. Bless.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

I want to thank you for the input first let me say she went to great pains to cover this up she pays the bills and does this online hence no paper trail for the cell phone bill only she had the password to access it and our computor she took to work and had it redone by the tech guy it came back her stuff passworded so only she could access it and then mine with a password she set up and our girls .......oh the tech guy???? yes he was the other guy. 

the first couple days she was sorry but pretty defiant didn't want to be policed and checked up on and that is not me at all before anyways. However once I got the password to the phone bill she changed I asked her if she had seen the bill she said she didn't want to I don't think she realized how bad their affair had gotten or refused to admit it. also prior to me seeing the phone logs she was very angry at the person who sent the letter and said they were very unfair to me (yeah I wanted to laugh at that too) and said they should have come to her. I told her I was thankful they sent it to me. I asked her if she would have denied it to them got no answer I said to her I think she would have denied it and the two of them would have layed low at work and that the sad fact is it would still be going on and she said yes probably would she is now seeing a therapist and the therapist said she doesn't seem angry with the informant anymore.

The only reason I want to know as much now as possible is because right now we have been open telling how we feel I found out she didn't realize how much I love her she always new I did just not as much as I actually do and thats my fault we both agreed we had started to take each other for granted. Yes there are many things that are better than ever and I don't think they would have been this good had this not happened sad to say but true. You see I'll never forget it and I worry that somewhere down the line something will surface and it will be painful all over again and I will feel like I was lied to. I'd rather put it all on the table now deal with it and not get blindsided later. I love this woman dearly and I care more for her feelings than my own. I want her to be happy bottom line. well enough for now thanks for letting me vent it really helps to be able to put it out there for someone. She is my best friend and she can't talk to me about it mostly because she sees the hurt and disappointment in my face and I won't talk to any friends about it because they are her friends too and I will not diminish her character to them in anyway. well thanks again


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Gar888 said:


> We have been working on things like we have coffee in bed almost every morning and talk she texts me and calls me now which I like, but sometimes it seems like alot of work and that if one or the other doesn't maintain constant contact it's going to be a bad day. I still want answers to questions and she doesn't want to rehash it. She wants to forget it ever happened and move forward. I want to know why and make sure that problem is fixed.


I think the frequent contact is necessary in the process of rebuilding your trust. The further along you come in this area, the less you will need it.

I understand your wanting the problem to be fixed. I'm not sure that knowing the details will help, but definitely talking about what was missing in the marriage that she sought fulfillment outside of it will give you some peace of mind that there are things you can do to fill whatever voids she was feeling.

In my case, not knowing was driving me mad...and my imagination was worse than the truth. But this can go either way. One problem is asking questions, getting answers, thinking about it for a day or so and having 10 more questions...it gets draining for both of you. What I do now is think...what is the worst possible response I can imagine if I ask this...and then think okay suppose that's it...what now? Usually, it doesn't change my decision to move forward with our marriage and leave that behind...but my husband was very forthcoming from the beginning so any additional details at this point don't warrant the drama it would bring to our marriage.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I’m glad you are seeking counseling and that you are working together to set things straight. On occasion a relationship can bounce back right away from something like this but more often the pains from it can echo for some time for both parties. I don’t want to sound doom and gloom just that you be prepared that it could get bumpy at times. Your marriage has taken a hell of a shot so things may be rough for a while. With love and patience things will get better for you both. Best of luck.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

Yes I agree imagination tends to be worse. And thats what I have, all I have. I also know my wife would rather run away from a problem then face it and that just fuels the imagination. I have always let her or watched her run from a problem or confrontation but I'm not sure I can this time or if it would be the healthy thing to do. If she had her way it would never have been dealt with from day one . She would have said it is over I'm sorry lets move on and it probably still would be going on and I would be the oblivious husband. But I wouldn't allow that and I really think we are heading towards a truly great marriage. 

It would be so much easier if she hated him but I know thats not the case for 11 months she thought about him non stop. Thats why I don't know if it is truly over. She thanked me for understanding she can't hate him but said they weren't friends anymore. Can you really quit someone who was that big a part of your life in a day or two? or a week or month. Just another reason to know the details, to know how deep this went.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

When I found out about my husband's affair, I initially didn't want to know the details as I was in too much pain. But eventually, I found that the constant imagining and wondering were too much for me to bear.

I read this article which is written in answer to a letter from a wife who was caught cheating: Rebuilding Trust with Your Husband After You've had an Affair - Beyondaffairs.com

And I realised that unless I found out as much as would satisfy me about his affair, I could not move on.

It's important for the guilty spouse to come completely clean in my opinion. They don't have to go into the gory details, but they have to be willing and open to telling their hurting spouse what they want to know.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

Thanks for the link Healing, good article. We had a pretty serious setback. I asked her over the weekend if I could see her email. She was very reluctant to show me but agreed to and wanted to log me in . I said just tell me the password I'll do it and she was quite against that. Told me that was her stuff and she felt I shouldn't be digging through it and that it was her work stuff but she let log in after making me feel so guilty. And I really did feel guilty, it was an act that was so out of character for me. So I logged on looked at the number of messages in her inbox ....9,283 messages and logged out. I felt bad apologized and went to run some errands. When I came back I just had to know if anything had been done to her email because I had seen she was looking to see if I had searched for anything which I hadn't. Anyway in the couple hours I was gone 74 messages disappeared from the inbox. When I asked her if she had done anything to her email she said no. so I then asked what happened to the 74 emails that were missing and she admitted then she deleted them. She said they weren't from the other guy, just were ones with pictures of him in them and others that mentioned him from friends and shee deleted them because she didn't want to upset me if I saw them. I was shocked all over again. Before I found out about the affair I never questioned never doubted anything she said and now since the affair this is the second time she has been caught deceiving me and everytime it happens I lose alittle more hope. I don't know the right thing to do. I need to strip the emotion out of it and look at things rationally but I'm really having trouble doing that. Normally I am a rock solid emotional person, the type most people would look to for strength wow what a change. Was I wrong to want her to be an open book? Am I violating her self by wanting access to her very personal stuff?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't think it's wrong at all that you want her to be an open book. You need it to start trusting her again. On the other hand, she is also probably going through many emotions herself and feeling shame/remorse for hurting you may be what is causing her not to fully open up to you at this point.

It sounds as though you are both wanting to work on rebuilding your marriage, which is really great. I would re-read Amps advise above, and know there will be setbacks and difficult times to come and she just may need more time before feeling comfortable to talk more openly. I'm sure she knows she's hurt you deeply and doesn't want to make things worse.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I believe any spouse would feel uncomfortable with looking through a loved ones personal items for suggestions of infidelity. But she has put herself in the position of not being trustworthy in the first place. She will need to become comfortable with the fact that she needs to be transparent as you build trust in her again. That she still had some emails related to him is not surprising. After a relationship that has gone on that long it will be tough for her to totally let it all go on a moments notice. It will take time for her to detach from him. If she did indeed delete them so that you would not have to endure the pain of seeing them, then good for you both. She is showing empathy for your feelings. Good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Gar888 said:


> Can you really quit someone who was that big a part of your life in a day or two? or a week or month. Just another reason to know the details, to know how deep this went.


No.

I have a friend who introduced me to a great saying: "Don't ask scary questions if you don't want scary answers."


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

The thing that prompted me to want her email is that a couple weeks ago, I thought we were getting along good we had talked alot but I hadn't gotten any answers I asked her if wondered about him. She said she only wondered how he was doing. So a couple days later I called his wife probably a bad move but I wanted to know how things were myself. I called her and we talk for about 30 minutes. She told me things weren't great, she had suggested counseling but he refused saying it was covered by insurance. Then she told me he went out and bought a Harley motorcycle. She said their problems were there long before this though. She also said he was moping around like a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend and had made the comment to her that nobody calls him anymore and he lost his best friend which I think hurt her pretty bad. When my wife got home I went stopped to say hi and she seemed funny I had a feeling she already knew I had called. I still had work to do so I figured I would talk to her that night about it. When I got home she said she wasn't feeling good , sick to her stomach so I thought I'd wait till the next evening because if I talk to her in the morning about any of this she tells me it ruins her whole day. So later that morning she texts me and asks me why I called his wife I told her the whole conversation and why I had called and why I hadn't yet told her. I asked her how she knew and she said she went to pay the bill online and checked my calls and saw it there. I thought that odd since the bill wasn't due for almost 2 weeks. She was upset that I had called her she told me thats there problem not ours. which is right. She was also upset because I had said I wouldn't call her after the first couple days after finding out. I apologized but told her I wanted to know for her and for me and to begin to try trusting again and the fact she told me what she did I was feeling pretty good about minimum contact between them. we hung up the phone and I thought how odd she was paying the bill so early. things started not adding up so I called his wife again and asked if she had told her husband of my call and she said no but he knew. She said she found him going through her phone and he never does that and said so you talked to him (me) today and she said yes. I thanked her and hung called my wife and asked if she had talked to him. silence at first and then yes she said she saw the call and went and asked him if he knew I called his wife and he said yes but didn't know what we talked about. I was really upset she went to him first and wasn't going to even tell me about it
I wish there was a direction book to follow and it was fool proof because sometimes I feel like the biggest fool around.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

Dear Gar888,

I don't think your wife has fully committed to working on your marriage. I'm glad you found the article I posted useful, actually, that article is meant for the cheating spouse and not for us, the spouse who was cheated upon.

Unless she cuts off ALL CONTACT with the other man, and WILLINGLY makes her life an open book to you, with complete honesty, she cannot expect you to learn to trust her again.

She seems to be still "sneaking around". There is no way to rebuild trust unless that is completely gone, imo.

Maybe you should let her read the article or something similar, and ask her if she is really interested in making this work. To make it work, the guilty party needs to:

1. Accept that he/she was WRONG and that whatever the state of the marriage, he or she made the conscious choice to do the wrong thing.

2. Make the conscious choice now to choose whether to devote themselves to fixing their marriage, and if so, to cut out the other person completely. No more contact in any way, shape or form.

3. Be totally honest and supportive to their hurting spouse. They cannot "expect" any more trust if they were the ones who betrayed it in the first place. Any trust which is to exist has to be earned bit by bit from scratch by their actions and words.

If she cannot do this, then she is probably not fully committed to fixing the marriage.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Gar888 - I truely sympathsize with you and what you are going through. I have been cheated on - just as many of us on this site have. It is a very upsetting & devestating ordeal to find out the person you love & thought loved you could break your maritial vows & connect with someone else on such an intimate level. 

Before I go any further, it does concern me that you are calling the other man's wife. Again, I understand you want answers but really do not think that she should be involved with this. This should be between you & your wife. 

When we, the betrayed spouse , find out most times are in total shock ( many of us think our marriages are pretty strong from our perspective). And we often go into denial - thinking my wife/husband would never do such a thing, they wouldn't lie to me, they would disrespect me that way, etc. We try to justify their actions somehow & want answers. But like several people have mentioned, we need to be prepared for the answers if we are going to ask the questions. ( But also we have to keep in mind- we may get the brutal truth OR we many only get 1/2 the story due to our cheating spouse being caught & not prepared to spill the beans, or they may not want to "hurt" us ). My husband used the "I didn't want to hurt you further" which maybe saved me some intial hurt & pain. But when I didn't think he was telling the truth & did some research & found out otherwise, it was more hurtful to have to find out that way. Yes, it would have been hurtful to hear my husband say some of the things ( the truth) but in the end I dug up the truth & found out that way & had to back him into a corner before he would tell me. That ultimately was more hurtful to have to find out on my own, then present him with the evidence - before I got a truthful answer. Obviuosly in both our situations, we don't have the trust of our spouse to believe what they say. And that is unfortunate.
As swedish & several other have said, it is possible to rebuild & quite possibly have a stronger relationship. But it can't be done with the other man in the picture still. And until your wife can sort out her feelings & see if your marriage is worth saving to her. I don't think you can both truely invest in working on your marriage - if she is unsure. You both need to be completely committed to working on your marriage for this to work. And from what you have said previously, it does not sound like your wife is ready to make that kind of commitment to you. 
It is up to you - if want to give her that time to sort our her emotions & to possibly "mourn" the loss of your lover. I wouldn't make any major decisions until a little time has passed. So you can make an educated decision as what to do next. 

As you mentioned, you are/were concerned that your wife was having such a difficult time deciding which relationship she wanted to stay in - especially having your 14 yrs ( i think) marriage history. You would think that it would be a a "no brainer" which they should work on 1st. 
Sometimes the cheating spouse was so unhappy in their marriage ( sometime without our knowledge) that they truely believed that the new lover can make them happy. What the cheating spouse can not seem that with all relationships - in the beginning each person is trying to put their best foot forward & there is that "honeymoon phase" - that will wear off but the other man/woman is filling that void missing from your marriage that all they can see in the other man/woman is what makes them happy. 

You brought up an interesting point about checking emails & that you felt guilty about doing that. I am struggling with that area right now & may write a new thread asking for feedback from others. I too want my husband to show me some records to "prove" he is telling the truth. But feel a bit guilt having to ask for that info. 
Let's see what others think about it....
In the meantime - try to stay positive & trust yourself to make the right decisions.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

Just alittle update, The rollercoaster ride continues. She says all the right things to, How much she loves me, that she never loved him, that it was just a friendship that got out of control and she is so sorry and embarrassed and ashamed of the whole thing. She doesn't know how it got to where it got. I know one thing , I don't feel like I ever had that kind of connection with her. I mean I used to feel her thoughts without a word spoken. Knew what all her reactions were going to be. I really thought I knew her and her me as if we were one. On our anniversary I gave her a handwritten card telling her about all the things I loved, How we knew each others thoughts and I got very specific about all the little things that I said made me love her so much. You know all the little things we normally take for granted but add so much to a relationship only to have it all blown away later in the day when I found out about the affair. 

Now sometimes things feel so good, she seems to be trying hard other than the cover ups and not wanting to look at the whys or hows of it. The biggest problem is me believing her I want to and I feel she is sincere but to be honest she had a connection with this guy I never had with her. They spent all of their free time at work together and it's a pretty loose workplace then she'd come home and they would email or text or talk on the phone for hours and hours. I am jealous and can't get rid of this feeling of living a lie. I know one thing she said she didn't know I loved her this much and I apologized to her and told her to be honest I didn't realize it myself and thats my fault. I am responsible for that.


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## mike90908 (Jul 11, 2008)

I think she is right in her statement that they were friends at the beginning. That also explains her denial. I do not also think it's a problem she talked a lot with that guy in the extent she didn't talk with you for a long time. It is like a narcotic when it starts and it gives emotional support for a women. So when she is doing all these talks etc she feels herself more valuable. I think if she was feeling enough valuable inside of marriage she wouldn't do it.

Regarding the calls, etc, set a rule and put it on the table: from now on you have FULL, non disputable right to check, talk and do whatever you want and she shouldn't ever do anything in this regard, but notify you about any action, message, letter etc she is involved. She has to accept it.


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## itsnot2late (Jul 18, 2008)

I am in the same situation. I recently discovered that my wife is having the emotional affair with an old high school friend. We're both almost 40 now, and have been married with 3 kids for 9 years.
I suspected something was up when I saw she is spending more time online and using a lot of txt messaging. When confronted, she kept denying. Finally curiosity got the better of me and I installed a keylogger software on the computer. Sure enough I got a lot of IM's of them exchanging their love for each other. They had met up recently at the 20 year reunion and I know from the IM record that she may have spent the night at his hotel.
When I confront her with these data, she was upset and said that our trusts have been broken by my actions. I am now trying to work thru my emotions, and because of the family, I know I must do what I can to save our relationship. I still love my wife very much, and believe that these things didn't just happen for no reason. We have a lot of issues that have built up over the years and I think the floodgate finally opens.
Anyways, since confronted with this issue, she has said that she wants to end our relationship, disappointed that we no longer trust each other. I have since removed the keylogger software, because I have seen enough. Even so, the guy even bought her a laptop, have it setup with her passwords, and have it shipped to our house, so that she can continue to be online in her privacy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to save us, but with it being so one-sided, what am I to do? I truly believe that it's never too late and that the relationship can be salvaged, but it will take time and lots of efforts.


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