# Staying together for the kids or divorce?



## SunnyDoll (Aug 2, 2011)

I've been married to a passive man for 17 years. I am a SAHM who home schools my teens along with a toddler so I am sad for my kids if we break up. I do need financial support while my teens are getting their degrees while in high school as well as not having a paying job.

My DH has self esteem issues, sad, depressed, passive, boring and has no sex drive. We have not had sex in 3 years. He just does not seem like a man. No strength or leadership at all. Frankly, if he ask me for sex, I'm so turned off by his lack of manliness I would ablige out of obligation. The marriage is over. He won't or can't get help. I've asked him for years. I'm tired of taking care of everything, I'm tired of being the man and leader. He is such a nice guy, he's just too nice almost nice like a girl. He won't give me what I need. I've lost all hope.

All that I can think of is asking him to leave while I save money and plan to get a job. I just don't know how I can ever feel anything for him. I just worry about the kids and money. This isn't a good reason to stay married. TIA


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## dbg19891 (Aug 3, 2011)

I'm sorry but I can appreciate his plight to an extent. It SUCKS hard to be the MAN, the person in charge or at least the one who's supposed to be in charge and make things happen. Let's be frank. Were it 1311 vs. 2011, there'd be 20% of the men who kill animals and bring them home every evening with dead on accuracy and then a lower percentage all the way down to zero for the least of the men in the village or tribe. The global economy has not only taken opportunity off the table, but it's kicked the crap and spirit our of certain people. I know. I'm one of them who's still fighting. It's not easy and it's very easy to be viewed or seen as a victim and actually be a victim vs. a killer right now. Some men handle it differently and it does not mean they are not capable, loving or able.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I have walked your husbands path. We have 4 kids and homeschool. My wife said I needed more "manly" traits. There is a path for him to walk and it works. But, he should be here posting, not you.

It is very hard. You need to get to a GOOD faith based therapist now. Your husband needs male mentors to help him along the way. It has taken me 10 months to completely change, and I am still working on it. We now have HOPE. Even though things aren't perfect, we are working through them. The "passivity of adam" is a crappy thing. I do not envy you. 

His first book "Fathered by God" by John Eldredge will address this and begin his journey. 
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## SunnyDoll (Aug 2, 2011)

dbg19891 said:


> I'm sorry but I can appreciate his plight to an extent. It SUCKS hard to be the MAN, the person in charge or at least the one who's supposed to be in charge and make things happen. Let's be frank. Were it 1311 vs. 2011, there'd be 20% of the men who kill animals and bring them home every evening with dead on accuracy and then a lower percentage all the way down to zero for the least of the men in the village or tribe. The global economy has not only taken opportunity off the table, but it's kicked the crap and spirit our of certain people. I know. I'm one of them who's still fighting. It's not easy and it's very easy to be viewed or seen as a victim and actually be a victim vs. a killer right now. Some men handle it differently and it does not mean they are not capable, loving or able.


Absolutely and so do I. I'm not cold and disconnected I too see a serious problem with what society today has done to a man. It's tough! My thread was about me. It's tough to be ME right now, I'm the MAN. I'm taking care of the finances, retirement, taxes, children, the house, the children's education, his counselor. Well what about ME? Who takes care of me? I thought a marriage was of two people. I've been here for him all of these years and he has been disconnected to the point that my teenagers make comments. "When dad's here, he's not really here." What do I do with that? It doesn't matte how hard it is to be a man, he needs to FINALLY be married. The truth is, since we said "I do" he's never been engaged. What's up with no sex? C'mon, the pressure of being a man in 2011 is too hard to grab his woman and make her feel alive? Really?


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## SunnyDoll (Aug 2, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I have walked your husbands path. We have 4 kids and homeschool. My wife said I needed more "manly" traits. There is a path for him to walk and it works. But, he should be here posting, not you.
> 
> It is very hard. You need to get to a GOOD faith based therapist now. Your husband needs male mentors to help him along the way. It has taken me 10 months to completely change, and I am still working on it. We now have HOPE. Even though things aren't perfect, we are working through them. The "passivity of adam" is a crappy thing. I do not envy you.
> 
> ...


I'm really happy for you and your wife! 

My husband won't change. He just won't. How do I live a lonely life anymore? A therapist would be great but I'm not the one with the problem. Sure I need support, a shoulder to lean on but I can't afford to spend money on me when my husband is the one with the issues. If anything, we need to save money so HE can spend the money on getting a therapist. YES! He definately needs male mentors, I've been telling him this for years. He just won't. See why I feel hopeless?? I can't make him get help, I've tried. I have given him books and he is familiar with Eldridge but never follows through, never finishes a book or a program. I'm not significant enough!!!! I am a speck in his life. I have stood by for 17 years helping him, I'm exhausted. Thanks for your comments, I'm STILL working on him asking him to seek help. I feel so sad for him.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

The therapist is for you guys as a couple. The mentors would be there to help him cope and grow. Life is SO different. My wife wanted a divorce. That was enough for me to throw up the red flag and seek help. I had over 30 books she had given me over the years in my closet. All of them have been read now. Even if he changes, the therapist is there to help guide you back to each other. Believe me, you will HATE him even more during the first few months of change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dayhiker (Mar 5, 2011)

Are you open to working with him? If not just talk to a lawyer first and follow his advice to get the best financial and custody deal you can get.

If you are open to giving him a chance, drop the D bomb on him and see if he mans up. That will be a tough road to travel for both of you if he comes up off the floor and choses to fight for his marriage. My wife chose the second option and allowed me the opportunity to fight for the marriage. It was/is not easy. It will require marriage counseling may still need a trial separation.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Dayhiker said:


> Are you open to working with him? If not just talk to a lawyer first and follow his advice to get the best financial and custody deal you can get.
> 
> If you are open to giving him a chance, drop the D bomb on him and see if he mans up. That will be a tough road to travel for both of you if he comes up off the floor and choses to fight for his marriage. My wife chose the second option and allowed me the opportunity to fight for the marriage. It was/is not easy. It will require marriage counseling may still need a trial separation.


How much time did it take you dayhiker? Dayhiker is right. He needs to make a choice because you can't carry the load anymore.
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## SunnyDoll (Aug 2, 2011)

Dayhiker said:


> Are you open to working with him? If not just talk to a lawyer first and follow his advice to get the best financial and custody deal you can get.
> 
> If you are open to giving him a chance, drop the D bomb on him and see if he mans up. That will be a tough road to travel for both of you if he comes up off the floor and choses to fight for his marriage. My wife chose the second option and allowed me the opportunity to fight for the marriage. It was/is not easy. It will require marriage counseling may still need a trial separation.


I dropped the "D" bomb probably 8 months ago. I told him I just don't know how to continue this way. He is silent, very silent. He is cold, disconnected and absolutely emotionless. The most he'll say is he wants to change (in a calm voice) then he's back to his old self in a week or so. Never demonstrating that I am worth his attention. It's a cycle that he can't get out of. I'm not done, I'm really scared because I don't see him making an effort. I honestly don't know how to be in love with the man he is today. He won't even have sex, it's been 3 years. I see him look so depressed, mad and sad to the point of crying. This is the only way I see him anymore. He's not a healthy strong man. Some of the poor financial choices he makes is a sign of my unsecure future too. I can't rely on him for my feelings or for my security. But he sure knows how to do his job really well, that's for sure. My poor 15yo son watches his weak father, what a mess! What is my son seeing and possibly learning?

Dedicated2Her-I'm not closed to the idea of counselling for the marriage or for the both of us, I'm saying my husband has some serious personal emotional issues that he needs to work out. It's my opinion after living with him afterall for 17years, that he needs professional help. I don't want a divorce but I have all but lost hope. He gives me no hope with his lack of action. This is a real possibility that I could live in a sexless, loveless, cold marraige so is this healthy for the kids or me? No sex for 3 years, how much can I take? He says he doesn't deserve me. I imagine as (if) he goes to counselling for a while that I would be invited but until that time, he has a lot of work to do and nothing is being done. Stay married for the kids I guess. I don't know, I don't see that I have any power to "fix" him. The marriage is broken because of him.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

SunnyDoll said:


> I dropped the "D" bomb probably 8 months ago. I told him I just don't know how to continue this way. He is silent, very silent. He is cold, disconnected and absolutely emotionless. The most he'll say is he wants to change (in a calm voice) then he's back to his old self in a week or so. Never demonstrating that I am worth his attention. It's a cycle that he can't get out of. I'm not done, I'm really scared because I don't see him making an effort. I honestly don't know how to be in love with the man he is today. He won't even have sex, it's been 3 years. I see him look so depressed, mad and sad to the point of crying. This is the only way I see him anymore. He's not a healthy strong man. Some of the poor financial choices he makes is a sign of my unsecure future too. I can't rely on him for my feelings or for my security. But he sure knows how to do his job really well, that's for sure. My poor 15yo son watches his weak father, what a mess! What is my son seeing and possibly learning?
> 
> Dedicated2Her-I'm not closed to the idea of counselling for the marriage or for the both of us, I'm saying my husband has some serious personal emotional issues that he needs to work out. It's my opinion after living with him afterall for 17years, that he needs professional help. I don't want a divorce but I have all but lost hope. He gives me no hope with his lack of action. This is a real possibility that I could live in a sexless, loveless, cold marraige so is this healthy for the kids or me? No sex for 3 years, how much can I take? He says he doesn't deserve me. I imagine as (if) he goes to counselling for a while that I would be invited but until that time, he has a lot of work to do and nothing is being done. Stay married for the kids I guess. I don't know, I don't see that I have any power to "fix" him. The marriage is broken because of him.


I know it doesn't seem like it, but the blame is 50/50. It is a cycle that has progressed over 17 years. You are right, you can't fix him. He has to find his manhood and lead, though.
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