# Is this EA healthy?



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

A dear friend admits to a passionate EA w/ a married man whose W does not know but "it doesn't affect the W because _he has enough love for everyone_ and there's no sex even though we talk about it." Her H is fine with it and she claims they are having the best sex they've ever had, and H is glad that she is "so happy" with her "new soulmate."

Personally I think my friend is being incredibly selfish and in reality IS hurting the man's W but she says that's not possible if the W doesn't know and there is no sex. "No harm done, and the other 3 of us are so happy!"

Is this possible? I am trying to imagine my H having such a deep EA w/ another woman but not telling me so it won't hurt me. I would not be happy--but why not? if it makes him happy and he's not having sex with her? and if it's okay with the OW's H?

I'm feeling confused about right and wrong here. Is it in fact possible to have a passionate friendship/EA that's okay?

Another weird feeling I have is that this guy is actually harming my friend. But if she is "so happy just to talk with him" and claims "this relationship has changed my life and improved my marriage," why does it still smell fishy to me?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

They are all deluded. No one tells the wife because they know it will wreck the marriage which will in turn make the cheaters house of cards come tumbling down.

Honestly I would limit the amount of time spent with people like this, your friend has no morals or empathy. I would not trust her with anything or anyone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It smells fishy to you because YOU have a moral compass. Apparently, these other people do not. They're telling you and themselves what they want to hear, not what's real.

By keeping a secret like this from his wife, the cheating husband cannot help but take away from his marriage, and from his wife. Every second he spends with your friend is time stolen from his wife. Every time he does something else in secret he is lying to his wife and to himself. PIV sex is only a tiny fraction of cheating. What this man is doing is destructive, selfish, narcissistic, reprehensible, immoral and deluded. And so is what your friend is doing, even though her husband apparently condones her behaviour. I bet if the real truth was ever divulged by him, he'd admit it really isn't ok. Very few people are really and truly ok with their spouse getting it outside of their marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

These are the same kinds of people who think its ok to pirate music and movies, or to sneak in the back door to an event you're supposed to pay for, or shoplift. Or lie on their resume.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

No it shouldn't continue and it's not healthy. It may not be very harmful at the moment it it is stealing from the marriage as Hope said. The problem is that she is addicted to him and like all addictions it will escalate. It may happen very slowly at first but it will increase. What happens when there is a marital issue? The likelihood is that they will support each other in the EA at the expensenofnthe marriage. It is a wreck waiting to happen. It feels so good to her because she is high on the dopamine that's released from their interaction. It's normal to feel this way occasionally about someone but it shouldn't be fed. If you let it be and keep the distance it will subside.

Read my links in the signature for more info.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

questar1 said:


> A dear friend admits to a passionate EA w/ a married man whose W does not know but "it doesn't affect the W because _*he has enough love for everyone*_ and there's no sex even though we talk about it."* Her H is fine with it and she claims they are having the best sex they've ever had, and H is glad that she is "so happy" with her "new soulmate."*


Sounds like a Polyamorus relationship to me.
I suspect very soon they may try to get the wife involved , as the relationship becomes more " _progressive._"


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

meson said:


> No it shouldn't continue and it's not healthy. It may not be very harmful at the moment it it is stealing from the marriage as Hope said. The problem is that she is addicted to him and like all addictions it will escalate. It may happen very slowly at first but it will increase. What happens when there is a marital issue? The likelihood is that they will support each other in the EA at the expensenofnthe marriage. It is a wreck waiting to happen. It feels so good to her because she is high on the dopamine that's released from their interaction. It's normal to feel this way occasionally about someone but it shouldn't be fed. If you let it be and keep the distance it will subside.
> 
> Read my links in the signature for more info.


Meson, I read your links. I realized my friend absolutely sounds addicted as you say. I am also sad for the W who does not know, and why doesn't this tip off my friend that she is likely severely hurting another woman? It's like 3 people conspiring to make a fool of one woman. They all sound so selfish. It may be polyamory as CM said, but that is not okay if the 4th person is not aware of what is going on. 
If you can't talk to your spouse about your "friendship" with your new opposite-sex soulmate, there's something not right about it. 
I wonder what these people think will happen when the W actually finds out and confronts her H about his EA with my friend. 
Me, I wouldn't trust a guy who was doing this to his W. I think he enjoys keeping my friend on a string of fantasy by saying his W wouldn't like it if he wandered into a PA although he would love to. But really he's just full of sh^t. 
I just wonder why she can't see that? Oh, yeah. It's the FOG.  
Is this some kind of power trip for the guy (the WS)? I guess I'm just wondering what he's getting out of this charade.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

When the W finds out (and she will - they're bound to slip up sometime or other...), I don't think any of them will be quite as happy with their little arrangement. 

Already your friend can't keep her happiness about her cheating to herself, and if she's told you, you can bet she's told others... People talk...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Let's just say that, by definition, an EA is toxic to the marriage. While WS in this scenario may think that he/ she can keep it away from the BS, no one ever knows how much of a wild card the counterparty to this arrangement can be. 

There are a lot of perfectly intelligent and seemingly emotionally healthy people out there who like flexing a little muscle in their personal relationships. The WS will never know when or how their EA partner will handle the relationship.

i still believe that my fiance made a decision to stop mentioning concerts that he attended without me because his just a friend ex could not stop doing her FB "like" on his wall. And yes, I was right that every time she did it, they had gone together.

The question here is, if I had given that EA and even longer rope (before I had shut it down) how much more "in your face" would she have been.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No EA is healthy, period, and serves as nothingmore than a mortal precursor to the end of a loving, trusting, married relationship ~ as it is largely tantamount to the covert embezzling of funds without anyone's knowledge other than the co-conspirator! 


But once suspected and caught, then all primordial hell is going to break loose!*


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Why would her husband not care? Could be that he's cheating on her anyway. This whole situation sounds idiotic.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Either

a. Husband doesn't know full extent of the EA. W has deluded him that she and the OM "are just friends" or "just talk". I think the common thread in every CWI story I've seen from a man has been "I suspected something when she stopped sleeping with me". She's still having sex with him, so he may think that she can't be cheating.

b. Husband doesn't yet see the far-reaching implications of letting his wife seek emotional support outside the relationship. To him, great, she's not nagging me anymore!

c. It's a polyamorous relationship.

d. This is something that, for them, is appropriate and within their relationship bounds. HOWEVER, if they haven't told all involved parties it's still wrong. Your friend and her H may accept this in their relationship, but that doesn't mean the OMW does.

I do think I might let your friend now (as gently as possible) that you feel uncomfortable with this topic of conversation as you do not agree with the idea of not telling the OMW next time she brings it up.

Is it possible that you could tip the OMW off anonymously? Perhaps via e-mail? If you use the site 10minutemail.com, it gives you a temporary e-mail address that disappears after 10 minutes.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

questar1 said:


> If you can't talk to your spouse about your "friendship" with your new opposite-sex soulmate, there's something not right about it.
> I wonder what these people think will happen when the W actually finds out and confronts her H about his EA with my friend.
> Me, I wouldn't trust a guy who was doing this to his W. I think he enjoys keeping my friend on a string of fantasy by saying his W wouldn't like it if he wandered into a PA although he would love to. But really he's just full of sh^t.
> I just wonder why she can't see that? Oh, yeah. It's the FOG.
> Is this some kind of power trip for the guy (the WS)? I guess I'm just wondering what he's getting out of this charade.


The guy gets the same thing your friend does, a high. He might even be hoping to escalate further you don't really know. 

Perhaps you can show her the thread and see what people think of it. It might provide a wake up call to her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> Either
> 
> a. Husband doesn't know full extent of the EA. W has deluded him that she and the OM "are just friends" or "just talk". I think the common thread in every CWI story I've seen from a man has been "I suspected something when she stopped sleeping with me". She's still having sex with him, so he may think that she can't be cheating.
> 
> ...


Most likely "b". most people don't understand the implications of an EA until they are hit with it,


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There is no such thing as a healthy EA, and there is no such thing as a healthy cuckold living arrangement or healthy open marriages. Sooner or later, one of the parties involved will try to change the "rules"... It always happens.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Easy solution. Have the two lovebirds print out their conversations and hand them to their spouses. 

If everyone is still happy, no harm, no foul. Keep on EA-ing.


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