# Child Support and Custody Questions... Please Help...



## RichardTornApart (Aug 20, 2011)

I have a complex mess and a million questions, but for now let’s just start with one or two questions. First the situation... oh and sorry in advance for the book...

We’ve been married for just over 19 years. We have a 15 year old son and 6 month old twins. My wife has some problems with depression, etc. She also became addicted to pain killers a while back. We worked through that. Then a couple of years ago she got addicted to other medicines (anxiety pills), and then started drinking, went into rehab and worked through that (I thought). After the twins were born I caught her drinking a couple of times. About two months ago we moved to be closer to her family (for help with the twins). About a month ago I caught her drinking heavily. We fought, then two weeks ago I caught her drinking heavily again, we fought worse. That night she went to bed. I was taking care of the twins when family started calling to check on my wife as she had been texting them about trying to overdose. Sure enough she took too much medicine and along with the drinking, she ended up passing out and not being able to tell us how much she had taken or anything. Turns out she had not taken nearly as many as she could have nor enough to likely end her life. I can't say if it was a serious attempt at suicide or just a cry for attention/help, but either way you have to take that seriously and we did. Had an ambulance come get her and take her to the hospital to be checked out and monitored. Early the next morning they transferred her to the behavioral health ward. I honestly didn’t suspect anything, but I was pissed about her drinking and for attempting to overdose. I went home and before I tried to get some sleep I looked at her phone to see who all she had texted about the pills and what she had said exactly. That is when I found a series of text messages over two days with someone, including a picture she sent of her breast and basically telling him how hot he was and how bad she wanted him. They had mostly been sent earlier that same day while I was at work. It read as if she had wanted to go meet him at his work but things didn’t work out. I wasn't sure if she would have actually done anything with him or not, but I believe she really wanted too. I also believe from the texts that they had not done anything yet, but I wasn't sure. I was hurt and pissed. We didn’t have a great sex life, but it seemed good. At least once every two weeks, usually once a week or more and we both seemed to enjoy it. I didn't understand where this came from. So the next day, I confronted her at the hospital. Not with any details that I now knew, but I gave her the opportunity to come clean. She told me something I really wasn't expecting. She didn’t tell me about this guy, but said that about two years earlier she had an affair with someone in the city we used to live in. A day or two later it hit me that she had lied this much and probably still had not really come clean. It also occurred to me that despite what she told me about when the affair ended that the twins may not even be mine. I told her I wanted to take a paternity test. After that and several more days of prodding and dragging details out of her, I found out that the affair had actually lasted until at least a few months before we had moved here and that not only might the twins not be mine, but that the boy looks like the other guy. The twins are fraternal not identical, so there is a small chance that one of them is mine, but likely they are both his. I have spent the last 6 months loving and raising twins as if they were mine, thinking they were mine and all the time, she knew they probably weren't and didn't tell me. Further, she also eventually admitted that when they were about two months old, she had taken them both over to his house while I was at work and had sex with him while they were there. Right now, she is still in the hospital and I still don’t know how much there is that I don't know.

Obviously I have been going through a terrible couple of weeks. I have been shaken to my very core and deeper. I am struggling to take care of my 15 year old and the twins that may not even be mine and hold down my job and figure out what I am going to do, all while she is in there. I really don’t know what I am going to do yet. I am going to get the tests done but I just don’t know what I am going to do after I find out if either or both are mine or not nor what I am going to do when she gets out. Just one of my many dilemmas is what to do about the twins. Even if they are not mine, if I don't take her back, I don’t know if I can let her have the twins. She has addiction problems. She had been drinking and driving with the twins in the van. I don’t think I can put them in the danger of living with her, especially given that she claims she can't live without me and is already severely depressed. I am almost certain that if I end the Marriage she will turn to drinking and/or meds very quickly. She claims that she wants this marriage to work and that she is willing to do anything to keep us together but I don’t know if I really believe that. There are a lot of reasons she may want this marriage together and most of them are not good reasons to stay married. Even still she may be very sincere right now, but obviously there were things she was not getting out of our relationship. That is not likely to change, especially in a short period of time and while struggling to make ends meet and raise very colicky twins. So I just don't know what I am going to do. But back to the twins. Regardless of if we try to make the marriage work or not and of paternity of the twins I may still end up raising the twins. And that is where some of my questions start to come in...

If I continue to raise them as my own, the other guy could come along and try to take them or at least try to get access to them. So here are a couple of questions I would like to see if anyone can answer or just give me some guidance on.

1) Can I/we get him to pay child support? If so would that only be if she has the twins on her own, or can I get it if I have them by myself or if we are together?

2) Is there something I can have him sign to where he forfeits all rights to them, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about him trying to get custody (even partial) down the road. If I get that does it forfeit any child support?

I guess those will suffice for now. Sorry again for the novel.

Thanks in advance for any advice or guidance.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

First- talk to a lawyer. States have different laws. 

Now based on limited knowledge ...yes you can have him pay child support. Whoever has custody of the children gets the payment as it is for the children not for the parent. Now you may have trouble getting custody as you are not the biological parent, but if your name is on the Birh certificate it may make a difference. He will also be granted visitation if he has to pay child support.

You can ask him to terminate parental rights but that typically negates child support. You may also have to officially adopt them to gain custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

In many states, when kids of another man are born, and you do not challenge paternity, you are presumed the father----since you just now found out, then the law may allow you some time to deal with it---otherwise these kids are yours, and you are responsible for them, till they are 18

As to other guy paying child support---then he will be in your life for the next 18 yrs.----Not a fun situation

As to your wife---did all of her drinking start, when her A. started????

When she comes home, you need to figure out how to deal with her---cuz its obvious, she knows how to lie, cheat, decieve, and manipulate----she has been doing it for years, and getting away with it---so DO NOT believe anything she says, about making the mge, work, ao how she wants you, or anything else----all she may really want, is you to finance, her continued cheating, 

She has a lot of rehab, therapy, counseling to go thru, before anything is done,----just protect yourself, and be very wary.


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## RichardTornApart (Aug 20, 2011)

TNgirl232,

Thanks. Yes, my name is on the birth certificate. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I don't know if he wants to be a part of their life. I dont know if he wants visitation. I don't know if I want him to pay any support or not either. I've been so lost since I found all of this out. I just don't know what to do, what I should do, what I want to do... I want to tell her that she needs to take the kids and go live with him. But I don't know what kind of father he would be and I don't know if I could live with myself if she left with them for him or on her own and relapsed again into drinking or abusing meds and something happened to them. But at the same time, it is sometimes difficult to look at the twins, especially the boy, knowing that she said he looks like the other guy. In any case, I think I will talk to a lawyer to see what my options are... Thanks again...

jnj_express,

I would hope they would make that concession. Even if I don't need it, I'm sure this has happened to others that may decide differently than I do. It's a really crappy situation to be put into. I guess I'm just nieve, but I really had no idea until last week. It's not like they look so different from me that I could not believe that they are mine. And I've never seen the other guy, so they could be the spitting image, but I would not know that. Now that I do know, I believe I should have a chance to make a decision. It's bad enough that I have so much pressure from friends and family that it's not even a choice. Everyone acts as if, just because I was married to their mother and was lied to about paternity, that I am obligated to raise them as my own. If I do raise them as my own, I dont want it to be because I had to. I want it to be because I wanted to.

I understand about him being in the picture... I don't know that I want to keep him out of their lives. If he is their biological father, then he is and if another couple was raising my children I would probably hope to be a part of their lives. Plus I would likely have to deal with a whole new set of problems when they get older, if/when they find out about the bio father and want to meet/get to know/etc him. He screwed up and so did she, but he may not be a bad person. I really dont know at this point. I'm trying to get to the bottom of so many issues and questions...

I don't know for certain but I believe the drinking started before the affair. I'll try to find that out to. I've been wondering if the drinking may have stemmed from guilt/shame/etc of the affair. Is that what you were getting at or what are you thinking?

Yes, I've been struggling to come to grips with how to deal with her. And yes, she absolutely is better at lying, cheating, deception, manipulation, etc that I had ever realized and probaly more than I can fully appreciate even now. I agree about the what it is she really wants part. I dont think she can even be honest with herself about it. I suspect that what she really feels in her heart is that I am a better provider for her and the kids than she could otherwise be with, but that she could (and has) found a better mate. I think she believes that he is more affectionate and all that stuff... I am sure he was/would be for the early years of the relationship, just as I was much more loving in the first years of ours. I dont know if after 19 years with her, life and marital problems would wear on him until he treated her the same as me, worse than me, or if he would still be better than me in that regard. Frankly I don't care. If that is what she really feels/thinks/believes, then I want her to leave whether she continues her relationship or not. So far she has not been able to give me a satisfying answer as to why she wants to work it out between us. I'm hoping a counselor can help her get to the bottom of it. But I dont know if they will be able to make enough progress quickly enough for me. I need to be able to either decide to try again and move forward or to end it and move on... I just dont think I can keep things in limbo long...

Again, thanks to both of you for the replies.

Regards,
Richard


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have a lot of advice to give, but when I saw that you have a 15 year old and 6 month old twins, I had to chime in  We have a 17 year old and 3 year old twins. That alone is a lot of work and with what you are dealing with, I can only wish you the best of luck with everything. I personally don't know how she could find the strength to have an affair with 6 month old twins. They are a ton of work as you know.


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## RichardTornApart (Aug 20, 2011)

It is insane... I don't remember it being this hard when the 15 year old was this age... I know there are two of them this time, but it feels like so much more work than before. I don't know if thats just because I'm getting old or if it is the pressures and stresses on me now (when the 15 year old was born, we didnt earn enough to survive, but life was much simpler).

I'm not sure how many times they got together after the twins were born. It may not have been much. I know it was at least one time, but yeah, I don't know how she had the energy to continue it afterwards either...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

RichardTornApart said:


> It is insane... I don't remember it being this hard when the 15 year old was this age... I know there are two of them this time, but it feels like so much more work than before. I don't know if thats just because I'm getting old or if it is the pressures and stresses on me now (when the 15 year old was born, we didnt earn enough to survive, but life was much simpler).
> 
> I'm not sure how many times they got together after the twins were born. It may not have been much. I know it was at least one time, but yeah, I don't know how she had the energy to continue it afterwards either...


I feel the same way about my 17 year old ~ She didn't seem like that much work back then, but like you, life was way simpler back then. I remember not having anything in the living room that she could possibly hurt if she threw a ball... Different story now  I really hope you find some answers to your questions. Your wife has really affected a lot of lives with what she has done. I know you're facing a difficult journey... My husband raised a child for nearly 3 years thinking she was his, in the end she turned out to be his brothers... She is 15 years old now and he still struggles with what happened back then and he feels like he lost a daughter, and he really did at the end of the day.


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## RichardTornApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Wow, that is rough. It has been incredibly difficult to deal with at just 6 months finding out. But after 3 years I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be. Just gotta take it one day at a time for now... looks like my wife will be getting out of the hospital today. I'm going to go pick her up this afternoon about 2pm... I wish I could just fast forward to a couple of months from now and know what I need to do. I hate having to wait. Sometimes I wish I could just make snap decisions (good or bad) and then stick to them... But I am analytical to what feels like an ocd level sometimes. I think if there had not been any babies or if I had found out before their birth, I probably could have made a quick clean cut. But even at just 6 months I'm already mentally and emotionally invested with them and I just dont want to make a quick decision that will screw up their lives one way or the other. Anyway, thanks for the kindness...

Regards,
Richard


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Richard,

Might I suggest breaking down this complex situation into some basic steps? 

First, what do you want? If no children were involved, would you say with her as a husband, or not? Do you have preconditions that she must meet before you will stay married?

If you would stay with her anyway, did you make this decision for the right reasons? Because you want to be with her as opposed to being afraid that you have no other options for marriage?

Second, then consider the needs of the children. It is possible to help your wife through a transitionary period even if you choose divorce. I'm not so sure that it is always best to follow this tendency to make decisions that are permanent, like marriage, based entirely on what we think is best for the kids. Unless you are able to completely forgive, and she completely commits to never allowing this to happen again, they run the risk of being in a dysfuctional environment anyway. I was a kid who grew up in a marriage of financial convenience, so I recognize that my pessimism is biased.

In the end, though, I wish you the peace to do what you think is right for you, and your situation.


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## RichardTornApart (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks Halien,

Those are both great points...

I still care about her and I can live with her and remained married to her and not be unhappy. But if children were not involved it would be unequivocally over. It is not that I think I can do better or want to find someone better. I really would be fine with being single and not having any relationship at all. That might change later, but I dont feel like I need a relationship right now to be happy.

Yeah, I guess I have both preconditions and post or ongoing conditions to remaining married. They are hard to articulate and some of them I don't know how I should deal with. So, I'll just put it as best as I can and if anyone can provide any guidance it would be greatly appreciated.

1) I would have to believe that she truely wants this marriage to work and not only out of convinience, fear, or the belief that she wont end up with someone that can provide for them as well as I can. (I'm not well off financially. I am able to provide comfortably for our needs without her having to work, but not much more than that. Still, I think she may view herself as only being able to end up with someone who makes considerably less.)

2) I would have to know that I can forgive her. Right now, I am still not sure I will be able to do that. If I can't do that, then there is no sense putting us through this.

3) I have to know why she did this and have reasonable assurance that it is not going to happen again. There are no guarantees, but if she doesn't know or can't confront why she did it, then I think the risk is to great that it will happen again.

4) This one I'm not so clear on how to handle. On one hand, I want her to put an absolute end to any communication with either of them going forward. However, I'm not sure what to do about his paternal relationship with the kids. If he really wants to be a part of their life, then I dont know what to do. If he doesnt want anything to do with them, then its easy. But if he does, I'm not sure if I should try to force him out of our lives and theirs?

5) She has to be ok with my paranoia, our trust issues and what she may view as my control issues. If she is going to start resenting me because she feels like I am invading her privacy, do not believe her, try to control her, then we might as well not bother. The fact of the matter is that she has demonstrated a complete lack of ability to make good decisions and to be honest about things. I will probably always be suspicious of her from now until I die. I will certainly have problems trusting her not to drink or take inappropriate medicines for a long time. I'm not going to be so willing to give her some money and the keys knowing that she has gone out drinking and driving with the babies in the car. If she does anything suspicious I am probably not ever going to be able to just blow that off again, I'm going to have doubts and they are going to make it hard for both of us. I may even ask her to take drug/alcohol tests.

6) If I ever find out that she has inappropriate texts, phone calls, in person visits, emails, or any other form of contact with anyone, (physical or just emotional) I will expect her to leave immediately.

7) If I ever find out that she has been drinking or taking inappropriate medicines (benzos, nerve pills, opiates, pain killers, etc) I will expect her to leave immediately.

I think that is all. At least those are the only things that have come to mind over the last two weeks.

As far as my reasons, like I said, if not for the kids, I wouldnt stay with her, so and I have no fear or being alone.

As far as the second thing, that is pretty close to how I am treating this now. I have told her that I am not going to kick her out right now. I said we have to see a counselor individual and together until we can determine if this has any chance. If it becomes clear that it cannot work or if it seems like we are not making progress, then we will have to figure out how we are going to go about splitting. Again, not just kicking her out quick and cold, but not dragging our feet about it either. I agree that staying together only for the kids is a bad idea. My parents did that. They clearly got to the point that they hated each other. I dont think they would have gotten to that point if they had left each other and being in an "un-broken" home with that much hate was not better than being in a "broken" home. And I agree, if I can't get past it and if she can't "commit" then it will not be a good environment for them or us.

Thank you so much for your compassion and your thoughts. I will keep them in mind.

Regards,
Richard


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

RichardTornApart said:


> Thanks Halien,
> 
> Those are both great points...
> 
> ...


I could just see so much of myself in the way you were mentally processing what was going on. Sometimes, I think we have to take a step back and consider a few fundamentals, and decide what we want in each portion of the problem. Taking an approach of, 'No matter what happens, these are the basic things I will hold true to," may help you trough this difficult time.

I really wish the best for you through this.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The paternity test should be item #1 on your itinerary. If the children - or at least one of them - is not biologically yours, *time is definitely NOT on your side*. As someone alluded to in another post, the law in many States literally sacrifices men who have no idea that the children they've raised are not biologically theirs. More so in your situation since you now have knowledge that this may the case.

Of course this can be a moot point IF you've already made the decision to assume the responsibility of fatherhood for the twins regardless of any DNA results from the paternity test. But if you haven't, then you'd be wise to get that test done ASAP as well as consult a divorce attorney as to the legal consequences you may incur if you do nothing.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If you get to a lawyer yesterday, you should. 

Protect yourself and your rights first and foremost. Your wife certainly won't. 

You need to know what your options are in regards to paternity, and what Mr. Wife Poacher should be responsible for.


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