# Husband says Jesus forgives him



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He had a 3 year EA/PA. We split for 6 weeks when I found out 3 years ago. And now are split again since August, he got verbally abusive with me and accused me all the time of wanting him dead, and there was a lot of name calling on his part that I was hateful and a hater etc. Well after being cheated on and demonized for 3 years I did have a lot of resentment, imagine that! I could not be warm and fuzzy with him. He lies a lot about stupid things and that is also a trigger. 

We did Christian marriage counseling this fall...it helped HIM a lot because the couples who were presenters all survived infidelity and are SO in love now. And they gave us slogans like 'the past is passed' and love is a choice etc. Since then H now quotes these things and tells me that I should live by these rules.

The other day he was on my about how I left and caused this split in the family. I said it was because of his choices. He said that Jesus forgives him and he forgives himself. And my problem is that I can't forgive and move on. 

Well I still think of her and him. I can't help it. He sends me these love texts, well I read almost the same sort of words in emails he sent to his OW. So his pretty words leave me cold. 

He wants me back, and wants our family all together. 
I carry a lot of guilt for leaving, but his verbal abuse got to me. He also refused intimacy with me in the last few years, saying that he had no need for it. Now all of a sudden he says that he wants to have a full marriage again and go on trips, and he loves me so much, and the kids need us together etc. 

I know the kids should come first. They are 13 and 21. He picks on the 13 year old, texts her constantly when she is with me and tells her how lonely he is and that he sits and stares at the wall. 

I am so stressed out. 
Don't know if I should just return so the kids don't have this image that mom walked out. We share time with dd, I have her a bit more, he wants 50/50 if I don't return soon. Son lives with him.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Well...Jesus also helps those who help themselves. You can forgive but still choose to leave. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Tell him to read Matthew. It's black and white about fornication being acceptable grounds for divorce (your option). 

However, being born again can really change a person. Actions speak louder than words... watch what he does, take your time before jumping back in... again though, you are not forced to stay with him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If Jesus forgives him, maybe he should live with Jesus.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Oh, and look at the fruits of his change... he should be humble and treating you as Jesus treats us... as a servant


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Just because Jesus forgave doesn't mean you should. Or have to.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

What? He cheated on Jesus too?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Tell him to read Matthew. It's black and white about fornication being acceptable grounds for divorce (your option).
> .


That is 100% true you do have that option as a christian and to remain within the teaching of your faith.

However you are required to forgive, but don't have to stay married.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

~ He picks on the 13 year old, texts her constantly when she is with me and tells her how lonely he is and that he sits and stares at the wall.~

I find this difficult to read; that a Dad would stoop this low to get your attention it seems by saying this crap to your daughter. Really? What is she supposed to do about it? I truly hope she isn't internalizing these comments but at 13 how can you not? Wish I could tell him to shut up myself. Or tell him to get his azz out of his chair, go fricking do something and quit feeling so sorry for himself! 

I am sorry that he is this way. Sorry for your kids and sorry for you. Totally your choice to get back together or not; but would hope he changes for the better if you decide to.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Forget Jesus. You don't live with him, he's trying to guilt you into doing the things he wants you to do. Tell him not to covet other people, lol.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If Jesus forgives him, maybe he should live with Jesus.


My thoughts exactly........


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> What? He cheated on Jesus too?


:rofl::rofl:


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It is hard to take, and I do tell him that I forgive him. I forgive him but that does not mean that his actions didn't wound me. And when he says I am not a Christian because I don't forgive it's just another wound. 

Every time he manipulates our daughter it just makes me feel that he has not changed. He plays the victim and that is just so wrong.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

So why is important for you to forgive him if he has already received the ultimate in forgiveness? As a good Christian shouldn't he be making amends for the harm he caused? I'm sorry to say this but he sounds like he thinks he is the one hanging on the cross and that is blasphemous.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Whatever... If I had a dollar for all of the "christians" I've known over the years who have lied, cheated and scammed people I'd be rich.

I'm somewhat of a sceptic when I run into the self-confessed christians. My gut feeling is usually right, they turn out to be complete a**holes. Not all of them but most. They hide behind their so called faith to cover up what sort of person they really are.

My STBXH is the biggest pyscho liar and cheat of them all. His latest floozy is a bible basher and he has started going to church with her. He tells me I'm not as HOLY as him and she is pure.


Pure my a**. Messing around with a still-married man.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

indiecat said:


> He had a 3 year EA/PA. We split for 6 weeks when I found out 3 years ago. And now are split again since August, he got verbally abusive with me and accused me all the time of wanting him dead, and there was a lot of name calling on his part that I was hateful and a hater etc. Well after being cheated on and demonized for 3 years I did have a lot of resentment, imagine that! I could not be warm and fuzzy with him. He lies a lot about stupid things and that is also a trigger.
> 
> We did Christian marriage counseling this fall...it helped HIM a lot because the couples who were presenters all survived infidelity and are SO in love now. And they gave us slogans like 'the past is passed' and love is a choice etc. Since then H now quotes these things and tells me that I should live by these rules.
> 
> ...


There is only one way to respond, "It is great Jesus forgives you because he is going to see you very soon."


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Jesus didn't marry him.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Jesus forgives him---yah right---that's another lie, just like all the rest

This crum you call a H, does not deserve a family---get your D, and walk away----and if he continues to abuse the 13 yr old, and you already have your proof---have his custodial time cut down to supervised custody only

He is lonely----well who the F., caused that------remind him---he has caused all his own problems---and you have NO REASON TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ANYTHING----your H, is a piece of garbage and you know it, and hopefully his kids know it also


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by My_2nd_Rodeo *
> Tell him to read Matthew. It's black and white about fornication being acceptable grounds for divorce (your option).
> .
> *Reply by mel123*
> ...


As mel123 said your faith allows you to divorce.
Weather your husband is a real change man or not I do not know



> *By indicat*
> I forgive him but that does not mean that his actions didn't wound me.
> 
> By indicat
> ...


Since you are the one posting and not him I would say that it maybe best for you to concentrate on you before you make any change involving getting more involved with your husband. The title of your thread is “Husband says Jesus forgives him” *Weather that is a true statement or a cop out is not where your focus should be. You can only change you so YOU are the main focus. IMO.
*Your underlined words above seem to not match. You say you forgive then talk about your resentment, and his words leaving you cold, then guilt. *It seems like you do not have the emotional freedom that comes from complete forgiveness*. I am not talking about forgiveness that says that what he did and has done is OK, far from it! The forgiveness that I am talking about is one that mostly involves you and you getting better. You do not seem like you have emotional freedom. 
Are* you sure you have forgiven him?*

Guilt and unforgiveness are mostly spiritual matters. It is in your best interest for you to forgive because if you do not you will be affected negatively weather you divorce of stay married. *Guilt and bitterness are poisons to contentment and joy.*

There are LOTS of materials on forgiveness and anger that tell you how to deal with it. 
In Touch Ministries has a lot of very good information on forgiveness http://store.intouch.org/search.aspx?searchterm=Forgiveness

*The person that is most responsible for seeking forgiveness is you. YOU will benefit from forgiving.*


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Unfortunately forgiveness is a multi step process. Generally you will forgive many many times for the same thing before it starts to fade.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

indiecat said:


> He had a 3 year EA/PA. We split for 6 weeks when I found out 3 years ago. And now are split again since August, he got verbally abusive with me and accused me all the time of wanting him dead, and there was a lot of name calling on his part that I was hateful and a hater etc. Well after being cheated on and demonized for 3 years I did have a lot of resentment, imagine that! I could not be warm and fuzzy with him. He lies a lot about stupid things and that is also a trigger.
> 
> We did Christian marriage counseling this fall...it helped HIM a lot because the couples who were presenters all survived infidelity and are SO in love now. And they gave us slogans like 'the past is passed' and love is a choice etc. Since then H now quotes these things and tells me that I should live by these rules.
> 
> ...


Well, that's fine. Jesus has forgiven him. Then buy him a statue of Jesus for him to share his life with.

He has forgiven himself? Now, that's not so fine. If he forgives himself so readily, what happens when he wants a bit of strange, again? No worries! He'll forgive himself!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Maybe the Jesus he is referring to is actually a Latino man who works at the 711


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> What? He cheated on Jesus too?


Everybody cheats on Jesus.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

OP I think most of the people here are not giving you the proper advice. They are trying to help you remain strong in your decision to separate by demonizing your husband's new conversion to Christ (he can live with Jesus, give him a Jesus statue, etc). I am not going to do that because it's unfair, unfounded, and I don't do that just because it suits my particular aim. 

Because you can validate his claim to love Christ and still decide to never go back to him. Tell him that Christ DOES forgive him, but requires that he accept the consequences of this sin. God has on many, many occasions forgiven His people but that in no way means He saves them from the accountability of that sin. 

Even King David, after he sinned, was told by the prophet Nathan that he was forgiven. But God still punished him. If you do as others here are doing, and just mock his faith, you really aren't giving him a valid reasoning for your decision, and it makes you look like a cold, close-minded person. 

Tell him if he truly loves and knows Jesus, he will know that forgiveness does not negate the natural consequence of sin, only the spiritual consequence.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I find the triggers make it very difficult. And boy after a 3 year A there are tons of triggers. 

I've read that forgiveness has to be given, not demanded. Maybe that is the problem, I feel that I am working toward forgiveness but when I mention the A, (I seldom do, but as a partner should I not be allowed to mention it occassionally if I am having a bad day?) he starts with the forgiveness stuff, and I feel like the bad guy.

I have told him that all I want is a bit of compassion when I am feeling low. Just say to me 'sorry you are having a hard time today' Don't tell me I am in the wrong for having feelings. 

And telling me I am not a good Christian really hurts. I have been trying now for 3 years post A. He slung a lot of mean stuff at me during the A, he refused to help me with my car, he would not help with the kids, he would taunt me that I wasn't warm and fuzzy enough, tell me that he he might consider sleeping with me if I worked up to it by giving him back scratches and scalp massages. Told me he couldn't help it if she 'dug him'. All the time telling me and the kids that he was just helping out and being a friend to the poor widow. 

The verbal abuse he dished out before I left was all due to his sedatives he says, which he has stopped now. He always has an excuse for his behavior.

The affair, with his best friends widow was the result of PTSD he tells me, due to his friends death. Apparently if your friend dies you get ptsd and can wine and dine the widow, and buy her presents and it's ptsd. A psychiatrist told him this, so of course the shrink is the 'authority' and I can't question the learned doctor's opinion.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

So you've obviously accepted him back and chose not to divorce. So really..MOVE ON. The only way you willever have a good marriage again is if you really forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean to bring things back up over and over. It means letting go, forget it. When he brings up forgiveness when you mention the A, it's prob ably because he just wants to move on from it and focus on you're current relationship. Since you're a Christian, consider this: "For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more." (Jeremiah 31:34) . That is true forgiveness. Yes, its hard and yes it hurts.but forgiving is the best thing you can do for yourself. How much do you think we hurt God everytime we sin? Yet, if we are really sorry He forgives us,.REALLY forgives, and forgets our sins. Whenever you get those thoughts, push them out of your mind. Eventually, it will fade into the distant past. How your relationship turns out, as Farr as moving on from this, depends on you.  God bless!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)




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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Religion used to absolve someone of their wrong doings and to manipulate another? 


This is new... /sarcasm


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Really he's got to understand that on occasion this will come up and he's got to be appologetic when it does. In the same token, if you bring it up repeatedely then you could drive a wedge it doesn't sound you want to do that. 

It sounds like you trigger on occasion and then the way he shuts down and says "I'm at piece with it" is messed up. And you are right.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I don't know why some spanish guy forgiving him makes this okay.....

Sorry couldn't resist. I DESPISE people using religion as a pass for their bad behavior. Your husband MESSED UP ROYALLY!! Instead of owning to his responsibilities, he's using this obtuse idea about forgiveness to rug sweep.

Here's some other bible teachings about what's going on.

1. MAT 5:31 "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, *except for marital unfaithfulness*, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

So the bible says you can divorce justifiably because infidelity is WRONG!

2. Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

So why did HE choose to separate. He took another woman, so HE went against god. You can choose not to associate with a heretic. (sorry, you pull the Jesus forgives me card, you get the rest of the cards in the deck as well)

3. Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. 

4. (and this is a BIG one) Daniel 8:25 By his cunning he shall make deceit prosper under his hand, and in his own mind he shall become great. Without warning he shall destroy many. And he shall even rise up against the Prince of princes, and he shall be broken—but by no human hand. 

5. 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 

And in regards to forgiveness. I would debate that Jesus has forgiven him. To achieve forgiveness, one must be repentant. Repentance doesn't happen simply by saying sorry. Here are some to address that

1. 2 Corinthians 7:14 If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 

Has your husband "humbled himself". Has he turned from his wicked ways?

2. Revelation 2:5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and *do the works you did at first*. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. 

it's referencing doing the RIGHT things. As in lets assume your husband was a good husband at one time. Is he doing THOSE things.

And this one is the kicker...to repent is always mentioned to "humble" oneself You want the definition of that.
3. James 4:8-10 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. 

Has your husband "cleansed his hands", "purified his heart", "mourn and weep and be wretched". "Have his laughter turn to mourning and his joy to gloom"? Does this sound like an EASY task? 

Your husband is using the idea of unconditional forgiveness (which isn't CORRECT but I'll get into that in a moment) being some easy task and that YOU'RE wrong for not forgiving him. This is a delusional attempt at rug sweeping because he's putting his energy into showing you why you're wrong instead of doing the most important thing. The bible clearly states that you must "cleanse yourself" then "humble yourself" then "repent" AND THEN you'll be forgiven. It takes time and effort for the sinner to achieve forgiveness. These are things your husband ISN'T doing.

PS no, I'm not a christian, but I grew up being exposed to some GREAT bible teachings and how to interpret and search the bible.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I don't know why some spanish guy forgiving him makes this okay.....
> 
> Sorry couldn't resist. I DESPISE people using religion as a pass for their bad behavior. Your husband MESSED UP ROYALLY!! Instead of owning to his responsibilities, he's using this obtuse idea about forgiveness to rug sweep.
> 
> ...


OP, print this post and show it to your husband.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would be outwardly understanding and conciliatory. I would say:

"Yes, Dear. Jesus forgives you. You forgive yourself. I forgive you, but I've only got one other cheek to turn & I've done that. I need a healthy life going forward. Jesus wants that for me, too."


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

How does he know Jesus forgives him?

Did the guy show up at his front door, shake his hand and say "It's all good my man, your conscious is clear, go live life and have fun"?

Of course not.

What actually happened is that hubby decided to forgive himself and twist everything around so that you're the bad guy because you can't just wipe the slate clean and forget about it.

With his attitude you've got no reason to ever go back. 

And wow, 3 years.. that's one long affair. I wonder how many could get past that even if the cheater was remorseful and did everything they could to make it right?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I find the triggers make it very difficult. And boy after a 3 year A there are tons of triggers.
> 
> I've read that forgiveness has to be given, not demanded. Maybe that is the problem, I feel that I am working toward forgiveness but when I mention the A, (I seldom do, but as a partner should I not be allowed to mention it occassionally if I am having a bad day?) he starts with the forgiveness stuff, and I feel like the bad guy.
> 
> ...


A tendency to cheat is not a symptom of PTSD.

PTSD however can cause poor impulse control. 

People with poor impulse control often find it easier to cheat. 

Your husband's doctor most likely told him it was not an excuse for an affair. Lack of impulse control associated with PTSD may have been a reason but it is not an excuse. 

Your husband likely left that part out when he relayed to you what his doctor said about the PTSD and perhaps it's relation to the affair. 

Patients often misquote their doctor in order to use the doctor's word's to support their agenda. 

Also, inexperienced doctors may sometimes confuse Borderline personality disorder with PTSD. 

Find a specialist in Personality disorders for your husband to see.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Indiecat---what is it you want---you are Sep, why not D.??????

You keep throwing out all these complaints, but you are at a standstill---if this so called H, of yours is such a POS, then D him, and move on with your life---why are you allowing yourself to suffer, and live in misery

You will make it on your own----perish this thot, but if he died, you would be on your own------well for all intents the mge is dead---so move on, and stop throwing up complaints and excuses about staying with this jerk


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Matthew 19
8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

So according to Jesus you have grounds for divorce... Just saying


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

dang... Someone beat me to the punch


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's the kids that have me torn. The idea of being a part time mom. I know I need to get over that. And the fact that I left the family home triggers the guilt thing for me. I guess I make a good victim, second guessing myself. 

Thanks everyone, a lot of food for thought.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

indiecat said:


> It's the kids that have me torn. The idea of being a part time mom. I know I need to get over that. And the fact that I left the family home triggers the guilt thing for me. I guess I make a good victim, second guessing myself.
> 
> Thanks everyone, a lot of food for thought.


The AP used to talk bible with my WW in between sexting. You can read a book on being a mechanic but never fix a car. You can read a bible but never act on it. Words are meaningless.

21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. 22 Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ 23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

People can put on a show, and many do but it doesn't mean anything if the show is a lie.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

indiecat said:


> It's the kids that have me torn. The idea of being a part time mom. I know I need to get over that. And the fact that I left the family home triggers the guilt thing for me. I guess I make a good victim, second guessing myself.
> 
> Thanks everyone, a lot of food for thought.


So look at your husband's behavior. It's not going to change. He'll limit it to keep you, but he's not taking ownership of it and recognizing it's a problem and then working to fix it. So it will always be there.

If you're making this decision based on your children, I'll help you on this one. I had to make the same decision myself.

You can take path 1. Have the children live with both mom and dad and grow up in a house FULL TIME with the issues that are plaguing you or

path 2. You can have your kids grow up part time in a house with MORE of the issues but also part time in a house with none of the issues.

I chose path 2. Not saying it's better, but my reasoning was I could have more impact on my children's development on a part time basis because the time they spend with me, they get to experience ME fully. Than if I stayed with their mom and was miserable and hating life. They would get her regardless of the situation, but if I was with her, they'd never actually get ME.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Maybe the Jesus he is referring to is actually a Latino man who works at the 711


:rofl:

AR, you made me think of 'Levon' by Elton John with that remark:
_
Levon sells cartoon balloons in town
His family business thrives
Jesus blows up balloons all day
Sits on the porch swing watching them fly_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

kindi said:


> How does he know Jesus forgives him?
> 
> Did the guy show up at his front door, shake his hand and say "It's all good my man, your conscious is clear, go live life and have fun"?
> 
> ...


:iagree: He wants the easy way out which is no conscequence. Well it will pop up in your head periodically forever and he's the cause so he needs to be the shoulder to lean on when it does.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

indiecat said:


> It is hard to take, and I do tell him that I forgive him. I forgive him but that does not mean that his actions didn't wound me. And when he says I am not a Christian because I don't forgive it's just another wound.
> 
> Every time he manipulates our daughter it just makes me feel that he has not changed. He plays the victim and that is just so wrong.


That's abuse, 101 right there.

You owe him nothing.

He's attempting to use religion as a means to guilt you into living a life of misery.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Exactly, I can't lean on him. The one person who should console me and be my partner is the one who tells me to stuff my feelings.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> OP I think most of the people here are not giving you the proper advice. They are trying to help you remain strong in your decision to separate by demonizing your husband's new conversion to Christ (he can live with Jesus, give him a Jesus statue, etc). I am not going to do that because it's unfair, unfounded, and I don't do that just because it suits my particular aim.
> 
> Because you can validate his claim to love Christ and still decide to never go back to him. Tell him that Christ DOES forgive him, but requires that he accept the consequences of this sin. God has on many, many occasions forgiven His people but that in no way means He saves them from the accountability of that sin.
> 
> ...


Whitemouse, this man, IMO, uses Jesus like he used his OW. To get what he wants. OW got him hot sex, by using Jesus he hopes this will get his wife to forgive him.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Exactly, I can't lean on him. The one person who should console me and be my partner is the one who tells me to stuff my feelings.


That doesn't make him look like he is truly remorseful, that he hurt you.

When those triggers hit you, he needs to realize that he is the one who caused them and try to comfort you.

He not only cheated on you. He is cheating you out of the comfort,, compassion and security that you deserve, when those triggers hit.

He is either too ignorant and doesn't understand that or so self-centered he doesn't care.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quote of indicat*
> I have told him that all I want is a bit of compassion when I am feeling low. Just say to me 'sorry you are having a hard time today' Don't tell me I am in the wrong for having feelings.
> 
> I can't lean on him. The one person who should console me and be my partner is the one who tells me to stuff my feelings.



Your husband should be doing everything to help you recover from his betrayal to his wife and children. By what you wrote he seems weak and/or ignorant. That leaves you in a tough spot.

I am just going to say this about your husband then I want to get back to YOU

You said that your husband lies a lot, he says that you are the reason for the split in the family, he appoints himself as the authority on if you are a Christian or not and he tells you that he betrayed his family by committing adultery with a dead man’s wife because he was trying to help his dead friend and that his adultery was because he has PTSD.

This is for your husband
*Stop making a mockery of Christianity!* 
You betrayed your whole family because you wanted to please your selfish self and chose to have an adulterator’s affair even though that would molest the emotions of your children. Stop trying to manipulate Christianity for your own purposes. You did tremendous damage to your marriage, sinned against God, and hurt your children. Now be a grown up and stop playing games!

Now back to indicat
*You are going to have to get better without our husband’s help. *By what you wrote he is not helping you but hurting you. Saying you are the reason for the split in the family and then he plays God by telling you that you are not a Christian. I know that it will be hard as you want him to be the one to console you but according to what you wrote he is more hurt than help.


Do you have family, friends, church family, or a woman with wisdom that has been in your position? Anyone that has real wisdom and compassion and is 100% trustworthy would be of great help to you. 


*In addition YOU are going to have to DILEGENTLY seek spiritual healing on your own.* Be persistent and look to your God, your Bible, your prayer, and your actions to draw near to God, to diligently seek him and to please Him by obeying Him.


James 4:8-10 
*Draw near to God*, and he will draw near to you.


Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that *diligently seek him.*

No man or woman is going to completely heal your wounds. God is the only one that can heal the scars that you have. He may use mankind but He must be involved if you are going to get a lot better.

*It will be hard, you cannot play games with God if you want His blessings, you will have to make God number one!*




________________________________________


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Indjcat,

Please listen to MR. Blunt he has some very good advice.





Mr Blunt said:


> Your husband should be doing everything to help you recover from his betrayal to his wife and children. By what you wrote he seems weak and/or ignorant. That leaves you in a tough spot.
> 
> I am just going to say this about your husband then I want to get back to YOU
> 
> ...



:iagree:


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Jesus forgives those who have a contrite heart, there is nothing contrite about his behavior. Has Jesus told you he forgives this man? No, therefore he is asking you to believe HIM at this word. Is there any reason you should believe this man? No, adultery is clearly a reason for divorce in Matthew 19, so don't let him pull that crap on you. Additionally in Ephesians chapter 5, the Apostle Paul wrote: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church". How much did Christ love the church? Enough to DIE on the cross. How much did this man love you? Enough to be unfaithful. 

I think if you were honest with yourself, you would realize that he has probably always been a manipulator. It seems that he may have now moved that to the point of being verbally abusive with his children, trying to coerce them into doing his bidding. Is this really what you want to subject them too? Just say no to manipulation, he has no concept of being a good Christian.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Well if he is really trying to be christan like then he should follow 
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Or
Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them

Remind him of this.

Harassment is not following Jesus's teaching


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

How does he know Jesus forgave him? 
Jesus forgives sins but only if your sincere in asking.
Sending you wife text messages similar he sent to ow doesn't sound sincere to me.
Bible also says adultery is a reason for divorce.


Matthew 19:9 ESV / 22 helpful votes

And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Genesis 2:24 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> He said that Jesus forgives him and he forgives himself


:rofl:



> And my problem is that I can't forgive and move on.





> Well after being cheated on and demonized for 3 years...
> He lies a lot about stupid things and that is also a trigger. ...
> Since then H now quotes these things and tells me that I should live by these rules....
> but his verbal abuse got to me. He also refused intimacy with me in the last few years, saying that he had no need for it...


Sorry hun, but the truth of the matter is that he's using religion to his benefit. You should meet my wife, who admitted to doing this 2 years ago with me. It's manipulative, blasphemous, and also gives Christianity a bad name.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Whitemouse, this man, IMO, uses Jesus like he used his OW. To get what he wants. OW got him hot sex, by using Jesus he hopes this will get his wife to forgive him.


I agree. I don't think I said anything indicating otherwise. All I'm saying is that the key to validating this woman's decision to leave the POS is *not* bashing Jesus. I pointed out early in the thread that Jesus gives several exception clauses for divorce. I also pointed out that mercy does not necessitate saving someone from the consequence of their sins. 

Meaning, we don't have to tell this woman that she needs to mock, ridicule or diminish anyone's faith in Christ or Christ himself to stay away from her husband. You can say "It's good that you're turning over a new leaf, but we're done." Respect for Christ (whether you buy into that kind of thing or not) and divorce are not mutually exclusive, and there are lots of people who seem to think they are.

Someone said "Oh look, another person using religion to validate whatever they want." It's true that this is common. But something that has become just as common are people who ridicule religion as if it's the cause of problems. Evil people are evil, and they will use anything benign towards that endeavor, whether religion exists or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> I agree. I don't think I said anything indicating otherwise. All I'm saying is that the key to validating this woman's decision to leave the POS is *not* bashing Jesus. I pointed out early in the thread that Jesus gives several exception clauses for divorce. I also pointed out that mercy does not necessitate saving someone from the consequence of their sins.
> 
> Meaning, we don't have to tell this woman that she needs to mock, ridicule or diminish anyone's faith in Christ or Christ himself to stay away from her husband. You can say "It's good that you're turning over a new leaf, but we're done." Respect for Christ (whether you buy into that kind of thing or not) and divorce are not mutually exclusive, and there are lots of people who seem to think they are.
> 
> Someone said "Oh look, another person using religion to validate whatever they want." It's true that this is common. But something that has become just as common are people who ridicule religion as if it's the cause of problems. Evil people are evil, and they will use anything benign towards that endeavor, whether religion exists or not.


Does he really have a faith in Christ? I wonder...


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I can't say if he has faith. 

I can say that I can't take one more speech of his telling me that reconciliation and forgiveness are the way for me to go. Maybe he should forgive ME when I dare mention the A. 

I almost did R with him last month, until he started using guilt against my dd and I again. Playing the victim, telling her that he is staring at the walls, has nothing to eat, that Christmas is not going to be the same.
We start MC again next Tuesday, mostly to address the child issues.
He wants to start having dd 50/50 now. That really only means he has her an extra 2 days a month.
It may be worth it to stop his non stop phone calls and texting when she is with me. If he gets her that few days more then the rule is that my time with her is MY time with her. 
Thanks everyone, I know it's tiring to hear my story.
I wish I was stronger and had less guilt about 'breaking up the family'. 

Ironically it was my priest that told me to leave, among other people! 
Of course h just says the what does the priest know? And that the priest couldn't have known about the fabulous Christian MC course that we attended this fall.
thanks


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Thanks everyone, I know it's tiring to hear my story.
> .


Indie,

Not so, your fellow posters are here because they want to be.

I see you have started a new thread tiled.... "Child Custody question?"...... Hopefully you can get some input from people who have had that experience.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Does he really have a faith in Christ? I wonder...


It's certainly a question worth asking, I would never dispute that. 

But I wouldn't dispute the horrors that a cheater must endure either. I've seen some unfaithful spouses who, when they began to understand the magnitude of their treachery, collapsed into despair. Christ can save someone from that. 

I believe she should leave this guy. I think he's scum, and the discrepancy between what he has done and the total lax consequences instigated by our sorry nation disgust me in a way I will never be able to articulate. But I also think this man is in a lot of pain you and I cannot understand, the pain of guilt. 

You'd be surprised the changes people undergo when they are forced to come to terms with who they are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> It's certainly a question worth asking, I would never dispute that.
> 
> But I wouldn't dispute the horrors that a cheater must endure either. I've seen some unfaithful spouses who, when they began to understand the magnitude of their treachery, collapsed into despair. Christ can save someone from that.
> 
> ...


Yes. I know. How? Because when I cheated on my wife, I knew I had become the type of person I dislike. I shattered myself.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Sorry man, I didn't know. : ,(,,


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indiecat said:


> He lies a lot about stupid things
> Since then H now quotes these things and tells me that I should live by these rules.
> The other day he was on my about how I left and caused this split in the family.
> He said that Jesus forgives him and he forgives himself. And my problem is that I can't forgive and move on.


He is not a true Christian. A true Christian would be on his KNEES, begging you for a second chance.

HE IS MANIPULATING YOU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indiecat said:


> We start MC again next Tuesday, mostly to address the child issues. He wants to start having dd 50/50 now.


He found out he would owe you more money if he doesn't take her more often. He's trying to save money.



indiecat said:


> It may be worth it to stop his non stop phone calls and texting when she is with me. If he gets her that few days more then the rule is that my time with her is MY time with her.


How weak ARE you? Do you not have the ability to NOT ANSWER THE PHONE? You're willing to give up legal time with your child just so you don't 'have to' answer the phone when he calls?

Time to grow up and be the adult for your child. Tell him to go jump in a lake and you'll see him in court.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

When I shut the phones off he texts her a lot, I have told her she should just tell him she is busy and she will call him later. Then he pulls the guilt trip with her. 

Remember, we just did 7 weekends of Christian counseling with hope of working this out. Things seemed to be improving. And then the phoning/texting escalated. I guess I wasted time with that stuff, it just gave him more ammo to shame me with. Instead I should have been filing a temporary custody order, no doubt I've done it all wrong. 



We see a MC Tuesday and this is what we will discuss. I can explain this to the therapist, and have her as a witness to what is going on. I need a professional to document his behavior. Dd refuses to go for counseling so far but I am trying to gently convince her that it will be a big help. 

I do feel weak, I have this stupid guilt about the 'family unit' and need to man up, I know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like you know what you need to do.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, it's so darn hard.


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