# Remorse vs. Guilt



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

I'm struggling with one of the Catch-22s of R and I'm hoping some of the BSs and WSs here can lend a little perspective and experience. The problem is how can a WS separate remorse, which seems to be universally recognized as good and necessary in any R, from guilt, which I've been told by my wife and MC/IC is destructive and counterproductive to R?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

From what I've seen as a betrayed spouse - remorse is about acknowledging wronging the betrayed as well as doing what is necessary to make amends for it.

Guilt is simply, in my own un-scientific description, feeling sorry for oneself and getting down on oneself.

Guilt doesn't necessarily equate to remorse, however feeling remorse OUT of guilt is possible.

Again - totally my un-scientific viewpoint.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

IMO, remorse centers on the victim, guilt is basically selfish. Sweetie had both, in spades, but she was infinitely more concerned with my well-being than her own. To this day she puts me before anything else, and I'm ok with that. Guilt, however, can be very helpful in correcting character flaws.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Simple... attitude. Someone in remorse doesn't dictate the terms in the marriage or what it takes to reconcile. They also know it 'can't go back' to 'how it was before'. Full ownership that they alone created this massive rift.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> I'm struggling with one of the Catch-22s of R and I'm hoping some of the BSs and WSs here can lend a little perspective and experience. The problem is *how can a WS separate remorse, which seems to be universally recognized as good and necessary in any R, from guilt, which I've been told by my wife and MC/IC is destructive and counterproductive to R?*


Not a perfect solution, but I believe there are categorical ways the WS can demonstrate remorse, as apposed to guilt. 

Accepting significant consequences. (You know the list).

Owing what they did - not just to you, but to family and friends.

Continuously open to communication about the A, with no expiration date.

Consistent expression of love, affection, and sexual desire.


Absent any one of these, I'd have my doubts.


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