# Aspergers son in 20's



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

We have a nearly 24 yo son. He has aspergers, reasonably high functioning in that meeting him casually you would not know there is a problem, but over time, you would think he was 'different' as he will not talk to people at any length unless it is about one of his current or past obsessions, then he will talk non-stop just spouting facts.

The issue we have is between my h & myself as to how we handle him. It is one of last remaining contentious issues we have not ironed out.

I tend to excuse his behaviour more becase he is aspie, my h expects him to act like a 'normal person. H as just saying ds cannot make life decisions without someone doing it for him. Not entirely true, ds can make poor choices with no help. He does not seem to see the long term consequences of the choices he makes. H keeps saying (to me, not to our son) that he should be more like our other 2 boys (22 & 20), but I say he never will be.

DS has very poor social skills & is uncomfortable around people he has not known most of his life. Thus he works for his grandmother, but is not happy in the role he has there. He did have a job there he liked, but his aunt (H's sister) came & took it over & forced ds out into a different section, away from his beloved computers.

If anybody has a grown aspie child, who has significant aspie symptoms, is there any hope for them?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

As a teacher who has worked with Aspie kids i can tell you that Aspie kid's families usually fall into two categories. They either smother protect them or they work on their difficulties to try and make them as functional as possible. 

Based on the relative performance both groups have i would say that the ones who are less forgiving and push them to do better actually have kids with less social problems and their school performance is undoubtedly better too. 

The thing about school is that it tends to micro-predict for the real world. By overprotecting them some families do make life easier on them. But how long can that last? What level of self reliance can they achieve? 

But i do recognize why they do it. They are unable to push them because they find it cruel and it hurts them to do it as they see the kid struggle. It must really be an horrible feeling. But i think that's the exchange to be done. You suffer quite a bit in order to help him better. 

Aspie people's problems will never go away, but they can learn to live with them. As a positive example i'll point out a case of an ex-student of mine whose parents were very driven people and often got up at 6 am to study with their Aspie child (kid memorized textbook parts for tests) and today he is in college studying to be an accountant (actually a good job for him since there are positions he can do with minimal interaction).

In spite of being an Aspie this kid also commanded respect from his classmates for being able to quote verbatim from the textbook and this helped a lot in his interactions. He was also very polite and trained to control all his potentially problematic outbursts. Quite honestly i loved to have him as a student. 

I had completely opposite experiences with a couple of other students with other two falling in the middle. 

I know this isn't exactly what you asked for, but it's the best i can do, as i didn't want to leave this thread unanswered.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Based on the relative performance both groups have i would say that the ones who are less forgiving and push them to do better actually have kids with less social problems and their school performance is undoubtedly better too.


I'm a grown aspie and this is true. Now it's not that my parents were wise it was because they were neglectful but the end result was the same. I had no choice but to learn how to make it in this world on my own.

And now that I have a 12 year old aspie son myself I know that letting him solve his own problems with minimal help from me is the best solution. I act as a teacher/mentor but I do not shelter him. I have his future in mind when I do things. I push and motivate him to manage this. He knows he's different. We understand each other but I'd be doing him no favors if I kept him sheltered.

It's hard though. It breaks my heart to see him crying after a grueling day of middle school, when things don't go his way or when he can't find a friend. I just keep reassuring him that in a way he's a late bloomer and I have faith he will figure this out and I will help teach him. Just yesterday he said he thinks he made a new friend and I smiled.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Now it's not that my parents were wise it was because they were neglectful


Sorry to hear that Mavash. Although i'm happy it worked out in the end for you.


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