# Found pics



## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Hello I found pictures of a woman's vagina in my boyfriend's phone a year ago. I asked him, he said they were taken from porn videos. I didn't believe him since these pictures were sent from him to him and there were 2 emails in 2 different occasions with the same woman's vagina but obviously taken in 2 different times. We had other problems so I kind of forget this one. We separated for other reasons 7 months ago. We tried again 4 months ago and things are getting better and better to the point we are going to get married. But. Now that we're getting married, I can't stop thinking about those pictures. I have no problem with my man watching porn. What I think is that these pictures can't be from the Internet. He only had these pictures, not others, and only this woman. I talked to him again and he gets upset. He told me that he used to watch those kind of things a lot in the past but he doesn't do it anymore and that he hasn't cheated on me and that he doesn't know this woman. But he has lied to me in the past, a lot, and I can't trust him. I know...this sounds like a marriage disaster already without being married yet. But I do believe he's better now and growing as a person. I want to believe him or I least I want to believe those pictures were a mistake in the past. But those pics are hunting me. I can't stop thinking about them. Thanks. 


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If you can't trust him 100%, why do you want to marry him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rachel, in my experience once someone has lied to you especially repeatedly and especially over something they know is important to you, you'll never trust them again. They've showed you that saving their own skin is more important to them than you feeling the calm and security of a good relationship and they rarely change. Your gut is telling you this.

For your sanity, and to get closure and move on, you need to catch him out on another lie. There's lots of help here on how to do that.

I think I read it on here somewhere in a posters footer and it went something like, "when someone first shows you who they are, believe them".


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jld said:


> If you can't trust him 100%, why do you want to marry him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely right. He is lying to you. Repeatedly. You know that but you want to stick your head in the sand.

I'm a guy. Pictures taken from a porn video? Really? Not even a good excuse. 

Please bookmark this site as a favorite in your browser because you will be back here again after you marry.

C'mon Rachel. Your gut - heck, your EYES - tell you something is wrong here. If he won't man up and tell you the truth now, he will know he can continue to lie to you for as long as you are married. Which won't be too long.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Hello I found pictures of a woman's vagina in my boyfriend's phone a year ago.


A woman's vagina as opposed to what? A man's vagina?

Anyway if he said they came from a porn video it's easy enough to confirm that. 

Ask him to show you the video.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Absolutely right. He is lying to you. Repeatedly. You know that but you want to stick your head in the sand.
> 
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> ...




This sucks then because yes we're getting married and yes I believe he's lying. I don't really know what to do. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> Rachel, in my experience once someone has lied to you especially repeatedly and especially over something they know is important to you, you'll never trust them again. They've showed you that saving their own skin is more important to them than you feeling the calm and security of a good relationship and they rarely change. Your gut is telling you this.
> 
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Thank you. 


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> This sucks then because yes we're getting married and yes I believe he's lying. I don't really know what to do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well you know that marrying this guy is a mistake. 

So you do in fact know what to do, the question is are you going to do it?

Do you really want to look back 5 years from now when things are so much more complicated because you've completely integrated this person into your life and probably have comingled assets and finances and maybe even one or more children with him?

Lots of marriages fail. Even those that seem to be starting out right, even those that seem to be spectacular. 

Yours has red flags waving in the wind, the odds are not good that you'll be spending your retirement with this man.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I hope it is not a pic of his ex. A reminder of where he has been and where he is probably going to go. 

Tell us the reason for the separation a few months ago.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Yosemite said:


> Well you know that marrying this guy is a mistake.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love. Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.
So, I don't believe that because of this my married is going to fail for sure. I was actually hoping for help to how to cope with this. I do want to move on and focus on our future, I am really hoping whomever sent these pictures is in the past.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What is bothering you more? That he had the pics or that he lied to you about it?

What is the part you need help coping with?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

If they were screen dumps from a porno or even stills, he WILL be able to find it online and prove it to you and that should be his mission to prove himself. If he can't, you have your answer.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love.


If your boyfriend is lying to you and is, or has cheated he's NOT going to change with time and love, at least not for the better. To think so, is to be rather foolish. You're playing with the rest of your life here, on a speculation.



rachel234 said:


> Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.


If the guy had every single possible good quality a man could have but he lies to you and cheats, the bad qualities offset the good.



rachel234 said:


> So, I don't believe that because of this my married is going to fail for sure.


Be aware of the odds. They are not in your favor. Why risk it?



rachel234 said:


> I am really hoping whomever sent these pictures is in the past.


You're basing the likelihood of a successful marriage and future with this guy on the hope that he's not lying to you.

Listen to what you're saying.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> I hope it is not a pic of his ex. A reminder of where he has been and where he is probably going to go.
> 
> Tell us the reason for the separation a few months ago.




He used to go out with this friend and they liked to get drunk all the time. I hated that so I told him to stop being friends with this guy so he chose to lie to be about this and told me that he was doing other things or hanging out with other friends. I got fed up and I told him to find another place to live and that's how we separated. But now he has being trying to be responsible about this subject and he's even going to therapy. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Yosemite said:


> If your boyfriend is lying to you and is, or has cheated he's NOT going to change with time and love, at least not for the better. To think so, is to be rather foolish. You're playing with the rest of your life here, on a speculation.
> 
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> ...




I never said he cheated on me. 


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> I never said he cheated on me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 @rachel234

Please.. if you suspect the pictures are not from the internet or from a porn video then you're obviously concerned he took them of a woman he was intimate with.

You're not fooling me, but you're doing a real job on yourself with the denial.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> What is bothering you more? That he had the pics or that he lied to you about it?
> 
> What is the part you need help coping with?




I would like for him to tell me the truth so we can move on. I actually wouldn't care too much about who was this person or how he got the pictures. But I feel since I saw the pictures, he should tell me everything. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Yosemite said:


> @rachel234
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think someone sent them to him but I don't think he took them. 


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rachel234 said:


> He used to go out with this friend and they liked to get drunk all the time. I hated that so I told him to stop being friends with this guy so he chose to lie to be about this and told me that he was doing other things or hanging out with other friends. I got fed up and I told him to find another place to live and that's how we separated. But now he has being trying to be responsible about this subject and he's even going to therapy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




So he has a history of lying. 

He did something that bothered you. He kept doing it. Lied about it. Got caught and you separated. And you wonder why he is lying about the pics?

What is he going to therapy for, other than to appease you?


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> I think someone sent them to him but I don't think he took them.


Ok let's look at two points that come to mind, at least to my mind.

You think that someone sent them rather than he took them, for exactly what reason?

Because it makes more sense or because you WANT to believe that?

No need to answer, my question is designed to make you think.

Don't let emotions cloud your better judgement Rachel, there is a LOT at stake here.

Second point.

Let's assume you're correct in your assumption that a woman sent him pictures of her VJ.

What does that signify to you? To many, if not most, "something" is going on between the sender and the recipient.

And that something is at the very least what is known as an 'emotional affair' (EA) and at worst is a full on physical affair (PA). In fact, many posters here will suggest an EA is even worse than a PA because of the strong emotional bond that is created which may not be present in a PA. 

This conversation we are having is turning into what seems to be me attacking you and you defending yourself and your boyfriend so I'll drop out here unless you post to me directly, because its not productive and I don't think my attempts to open your eyes are having the desired effect.

Good luck Rachel.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here, 36 years married, first time marriage for my husband and I. Listen to your guts, Rachel. Marriage is a long and winding road. There are huge potholes ahead. Clear the air. I don't believe that he is showing you his full deck of cards. No one sends photos like that without any connections. Good luck to you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rachel234 said:


> I think someone sent them to him but I don't think he took them.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Does it matter who took them? He kept them. He knows who they are from. He lied to you. He wont tell you the truth now. 

What you want is immaterial. This is about what you are going to get and what you are going to do about it. 

You are going to get, and you got, lies. 

Want the truth? Polygraph him or threaten to poly. Tell him if he tells you the truth now you will forgive him but if the poly shows he lied, the wedding is off.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rachel234 said:


> This sucks then because yes we're getting married and yes I believe he's lying. I don't really know what to do.


Break the engagement.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rachel234 said:


> Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love. Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.
> So, I don't believe that because of this my married is going to fail for sure. I was actually hoping for help to how to cope with this. I do want to move on and focus on our future, I am really hoping whomever sent these pictures is in the past.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




If you REALLY believe all that, just accept that he has flaws, he lies, but he has some good qualities. 

You don't believe the marriage will fail because of the pics or lying? Then this should be a non issue and that you need help coping with nothing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Who makes the money in this relationship? You said you kicked him out. Could he be using you? 

Sorry just this would not be the first time a dead beat used a woman like this. 

I believe he cheated on you back then. What you have said doesn't add up any other way. 

He sounds like a silver tongue devil telling you what you want to hear and trying to smooth over his past wrong doings. 

There is no way the cope with someone that is always lying to you. He will never stop. 

So as long as you are will to put up with his shyt, then marry him. Just be ready when you find that you are not the only female in his life. 

He will not change for you if he is lying to you. Plain and simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree. The one trait my ex had that gave me pause in marrying her for 4 years was all the lying about things. But I thought she'd never lie to me about infidelity because I didn't think she was capable. Guess what? Yes.

The most obvious, important indicator of a persons character to ME..... Honesty. 

A liar will always be a liar. I think the pics are not as important as you KNOWING he is a liar and has low character (going out drinking and such and lying about it).

You can wish, hope, and want him to change. That doesn't happen in reality. You know who he is. If you marry him, you know you're marrying a chronic liar that enjoys going out drinking with buddies.
If you're good with that, marry away.

Do I think it's a mistake??? Yes. If you have kids and invest years with him, be ready. It's gonna hurt way more than leaving him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I believe you really need to slow things down. Don't set a wedding date or make arrangements until this is resolved for good. With smart phones, if he wants to look at a vagina picture he can do so at any time through a link/favorite on the web browser. He doesn't need to download a picture to his phone. 

You need a real answer here. If not, you are in for rough times ahead.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's a serial liar and was most likely cheating on you with the woman attached to the vagina is the pictures. If you're determined to marry him anyway, take the advice offered above and demand he take a polygraph regarding the origin of the pictures and whether or not he has had sexual contact or sexual internet/text conversation with other women during your relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Yosemite said:


> A woman's vagina as opposed to what? A man's vagina?
> 
> Anyway if he said they came from a porn video it's easy enough to confirm that.
> 
> Ask him to show you the video.


*Then he can waffle around and use the ages-old adage on you: "Well, Honey! Regarding vaginas, you know that if you've seen one, you've seen them all!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love. Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.
> So, I don't believe that because of this my married is going to fail for sure. I was actually hoping for help to how to cope with this. I do want to move on and focus on our future, I am really hoping whomever sent these pictures is in the past.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What you're asking is how to effectively rug sweep what you're feeling.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

rachel234 said:


> Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love. Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.


Rachel, people have compulsions for things. Alcohol, over eating, lying. People can moderate, but they can't truly change their character. Not with time or love. The fact that you posted means you already know. Dodge the bullet.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rachel234 said:


> I would like for him to tell me the truth so we can move on. I actually wouldn't care too much about who was this person or how he got the pictures. But I feel since I saw the pictures, he should tell me everything.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




This is contradictory. You don't care about the pics or who they are pics of, but you want to know everything?.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@rachel234, 
Get his phone and do a Google image search of the pics. If they are internet porn ,they should show up. If they were personal pics they wouldn't.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @rachel234,
> Get his phone and do a Google image search of the pics. If they are internet porn ,they should show up. If they were personal pics they wouldn't.


How do you goggle search pics of VJs?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

jld said:


> If you can't trust him 100%, why do you want to marry him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What if...he is telling the truth? I am not saying he is, nor am I saying the story doesn't sound fishy (no pun intended), but I am saying that intuition can often be wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Herschel said:


> What if...he is telling the truth? I am not saying he is, nor am I saying the story doesn't sound fishy (no pun intended), but I am saying that intuition can often be wrong.


That's what she has to weigh.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do not call off the wedding. Add 365 days, and 4 hours to the existing planned date.

That should give you enough time to re-assess the ssssituAtion.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Herschel said:


> What if...he is telling the truth? I am not saying he is, nor am I saying the story doesn't sound fishy (no pun intended), but I am saying that intuition can often be wrong.


She was concerned enough to come here. She knows him best. And he has a history of lying. 

Who saves a few pics of VJs on their phone if they have not seen them first hand, or want to see them first hand?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> How do you goggle search pics of VJs?


 Not sure for a phone (send the pics to her email and save pic), but on the computer, right click over image while using Chrome and select
"Search Google for image" .


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Thank for some replies. I was hoping more for help than to bash me like I'm a crazy person for having doubts or I'm too stupid to wanting this relationship to work. 
This is my first time in this forum and believe me the last. I'm not looking for negativity. I wished for moral support, help or some good words. As I said, some were nice and somewhat helpful but the most of you sound very judgmental and more like you must be miserable in your own relationship. 
Adios. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been dating?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rachel234 said:


> Thank for some replies. I was hoping more for help than to bash me like I'm a crazy person for having doubts or I'm too stupid to wanting this relationship to work.
> This is my first time in this forum and believe me the last. I'm not looking for negativity. I wished for moral support, help or some good words. As I said, some were nice and somewhat helpful but the most of you sound very judgmental and more like you must be miserable in your own relationship.
> Adios.


You are getting moral support. You are getting support from people who made the same mistake you are... only most of us have found out what you are not yet ready to face.. that a person is only as good as the worst things that they do. And that few people will change.

Your bf does not seem to be showing any real desire to change, if he did he would have come clean to you. You would know by his actions that he has changed. The mere fact that you are feeling this insecure and unsafe about him tells it all.

Do you know what the main difference is between a person who is in a good relationship and one who is in an abusive/bad relationship? The person in a good relationship chose wisely. When they dated someone who did what your bf did, they dumped him (or her) the very first time it happened.

The person in an abusive relationship is the one who makes excuses for the other person's bad behavior and mistreatment. They believe that people can change. And often believe that somehow they will find the magic to make the change happen.

If you don't end the relationship now, a few years up the road you will be kicking yourself for not listening to what is being advised here.

Some people can be told that the stove is hot and so they avoid it. Others have to touch the hot stove and get burned to believe that the stove is truly hot.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

@rachel234 

You don't This intrusion of reality is temporary, you will marry this inadequate men. 

Decades from now when you look back to this time, you will wish you walked away instead of enduring humiliation, self-abasement and the risk of STD's.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

You're right Rachel, I agree that some responders on TAM come across very judgmental. I'm new to the site as well. I also got some pretty harsh feedback on my first post that was clearly bad advice and did not accurately portray my partner's thinking. This was a big turn off for me as well. 

Nevertheless, there's always a few posts of valuable feedback. In my thread, and in yours. It's hard to stand back and observe what seems to be someone being taken for a fool. There are good intentions behind some of the negativity. However you know your situation best. If there's one thing you can tale away from all the suggestions here it's to question everything. There's no harm in doing that. 

I'm sorry you had a bad experience here. Just know that there are nuggets of golden advice peppered around the forums on TAM. Tread carefully,it is yours for the picking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love. Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.
> So, I don't believe that because of this my married is going to fail for sure. I was actually hoping for help to how to cope with this. I do want to move on and focus on our future, I am really hoping whomever sent these pictures is in the past.


Sooo...you're asking for advice on how to marry someone knowing full well they *lied to you* and are *STILL* lying to you?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Thank for some replies. I was hoping more for help than to bash me like I'm a crazy person for having doubts or I'm too stupid to wanting this relationship to work.
> This is my first time in this forum and believe me the last. I'm not looking for negativity. I wished for moral support, help or some good words. As I said, some were nice and somewhat helpful but the most of you sound very judgmental and more like you must be miserable in your own relationship.
> Adios.


Well, the truth hurts.

If you were hoping to be deluded, there *are* infidelity boards out there (SI, for instance) who'll pat you on the back and delude you that everything's fine no matter *how *much of a liar your boyfriend is. You'll probably find more 'support' there.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, the truth hurts.
> 
> If you were hoping to be deluded, there *are* infidelity boards out there (SI, for instance) who'll pat you on the back and delude you that everything's fine no matter *how *much of a liar your boyfriend is. You'll probably find more 'support' there.




The truth hurts? You sound like those females that say YOLO. Get a life. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Catherine602 said:


> @rachel234
> 
> You don't This intrusion of reality is temporary, you will marry this inadequate men.
> 
> Decades from now when you look back to this time, you will wish you walked away instead of enduring humiliation, self-abasement and the risk of STD's.




I'll call you with my STD results in 10 years from now. Woo!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

rachel234 said:


> But he has lied to me in the past, a lot, and I can't trust him. I know...this sounds like a marriage disaster already without being married yet. But I do believe he's better now and growing as a person.


Marriage without a very high level of trust is extremely stressful. If he has lied in the past, then it is up to him to work hard to regain your trust. Without that, don't get married.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Geez, you sound like you're 15.

You don't need anyone's permission here to marry this liar, so what exactly do you want?

Just bury your head in the sand and bring a bunch of kids into things, that'll work out great!

I'm quite happily married and obviously older than you based on how your write, but I'm sure you have all the answers.

Carry on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Geez, you sound like you're 15.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I doubt you're happily married. I feel sorry for your partner. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Marriage without a very high level of trust is extremely stressful. If he has lied in the past, then it is up to him to work hard to regain your trust. Without that, don't get married.




Thanks. I know, that's what I want. It isn't easy to blindly trust someone and if they have lied you in the past, it's almost impossible, but as I said, I believe people can actually improve. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You are getting moral support. You are getting support from people who made the same mistake you are... only most of us have found out what you are not yet ready to face.. that a person is only as good as the worst things that they do. And that few people will change.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for your words. I don't agree with you but you were nice and that's what it's important.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rachel234 said:


> I'll call you with my STD results in 10 years from now. Woo!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You completely mistook my meaning. I am not interested in the results, I meant that you should be.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Catherine602 said:


> You completely mistook my meaning. I am not interested in the results, I meant that you should be.




You are nobody to talk to an adult like that. You think because you're behind a screen you can say whatever you want? 
Safe your nonsense advices for yourself. 


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like a slow day at the office.

What with all the "advices" and stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

rachel234 said:


> Thanks. I know, that's what I want. It isn't easy to blindly trust someone and if they have lied you in the past, it's almost impossible, but as I said, I believe people can actually improve.


Yes, people can improve. However, they first need to reach a point in life that teaches them remorse and empathy for those that they've cheated on. Without that, they never realize how selfish and ugly their actions are. 

Love has a special way of making even the most intelligent among us quite unintelligent. I was in your shoes. I regret not taking enough time to make myself understand that her past actions would haunt me long past the wedding day.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Yes, people can improve. However, they first need to reach a point in life that teaches them remorse and empathy for those that they've cheated on. Without that, they never realize how selfish and ugly their actions are.
> 
> Love has a special way of making even the most intelligent among us quite unintelligent. I was in your shoes. I regret not taking enough time to make myself understand that her past actions would haunt me long past the wedding day.




I don't think is about intelligence or even love. It's more about the way you look at life. What do you want in life? What bothers you the most in life? What can you accept? What's horrible for you? But not for me. 
I used to be very radical. You lie to me, even the slightest lie, you're done. I'm not like that anymore. I studied myself and I have lied. I lie sometimes. I see my mom lying. I see my friend who loves her kids lying to them. I don't believe that if I lie about one thing, it automatically means I can lie in everything and even worse lies. Yes, it could be like that, but it couldn't too. 
I haven't made up my mind about him. I don't believe him and what bothers me the most is that I accepted to marry him knowing about those pictures, I thought that was in the past and I betrayed myself thinking about that again. That was in the past, that shouldn't bother me anymore. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds like a slow day at the office.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Do you even work? Or your parents let you use their phone during lunch?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rachel, now you're talking more sense. No one is trying to insult you although it comes across a bit harsh sometimes. A load of strangers have actually got your back here and as long as there is not a side to this story you're not telling us, you are in good hands.

Just try and listen to what people are saying and at least think about it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rachel234 said:


> That was in the past, that shouldn't bother me anymore.


It bothers you because it conflicts with your morals. Your conscious mind is saying to forget and move on but your unconscious mind is saying there is something wrong here that must be addressed.

Does this summarize your dilemma?


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> Rachel, now you're talking more sense. No one is trying to insult you although it comes across a bit harsh sometimes. A load of strangers have actually got your back here and as long as there is not a side to this story you're not telling us, you are in good hands.
> 
> 
> 
> Just try and listen to what people are saying and at least think about it.




I appreciate you taking time to defend your "friends". As you said, a load of strangers have got my back and I'm still talking to them. As far as the other strangers, I don't like snarky, smartass, mean comments. You shouldn't like those type of comments either. 


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Age and experience brings pragmatism, young lady.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It seems like his defensiveness is a little out of place in this situation. You guys broke up then got back together. At that point he should have come clean to you about whatever those photos were about. Two possibilities come to mind: 1) Someone sent them to him, or 2) He found that particular vagina to be attractive and wanted to keep it on his phone to masturbate over. Given the literally thousands of vaginas on the internet that are free to look at, it's hard to imagine needing those on your phone. Yet, if you look at the app store there are many apps for doing just that and hiding them. 

I really think you should hold off on any marriage plans until you know the full truth. He's probably not actively cheating, but lying is a big problem he needs to address. 

It's good that the two of you agree on porn. Perhaps you can watch it together to enhance your fun. But, just be cautious that it doesn't get out of hand. Like gambling, it can be fun if done correctly but can lead to huge issues if taken to extremes.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> You are nobody to talk to an adult like that. You think because you're behind a screen you can say whatever you want?
> Safe your nonsense advices for yourself.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I read your story and felt bad for you but now I don't.

People are just trying to help you but you are blinded to the facts.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

rachel234 said:


> That was in the past, that shouldn't bother me anymore.


I respectfully disagree with the sentence above. Past behavior, especially from someone who doesn't seem completely remorseful, is a strong indicator of their future behavior.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I second the reverse google image search. If these images are anywhere out there, they will show up. Do you still have access to the images? Did he keep them on his phone after this?


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> How do you goggle search pics of VJs?


It's the newest thing.

Vaginal recognition software.

Do a Google search.

It would make for a funny movie watching all the women scanning in their IDs.

"The machine doesn't recognize me, could it be the Brazilian?"


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

silex said:


> It's the newest thing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Back so soon?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> I respectfully disagree with the sentence above. Past behavior, especially from someone who doesn't seem completely remorseful, is a strong indicator of their future behavior.




Ha. The standard stock disclaimer says past performance is no indication of future performance.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If your friend came to you with this exact situation, what would you advise your friend to do? Would you tell them the red flags are nothing and to proceed with the marriage?


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Hi Rachel. I came here 6 months ago with an ordeal. I was given smart, sensible advice that I chose to ignore. I was given insight from people who had experienced what I was going through, and I thought I knew better. I loved him, I knew him like no one else did, I wasn't willing to walk away from our marriage or give up on the man that I loved. But none of that changed him or the situation. I knew when I read all the wise words that THEY WERE RIGHT, but I continued lying to myself and believing what I wanted. 6 months later, it is crystal clear that they knew (and so did i) but I was too close and too emotional to see what was right in front of my eyes. I hope you have a different outcome, but I doubt it. In any case, good luck.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

rachel234 said:


> Thank for some replies. I was hoping more for *help* than to bash me like I'm a crazy person for having doubts or I'm too stupid to wanting this relationship to work.
> This is my first time in this forum and believe me the last. I'm not looking for negativity. I wished for *moral support, help or some good words.* As I said, some were nice and somewhat helpful but the most of you sound very judgmental and more like you must be miserable in your own relationship.
> Adios.
> 
> ...


Hi Rachel, 

If you haven't left yet (saw you've posted since this), could you please elaborate on what the words bolded in your post would look like to you in the form of advice?

Not everyone that posts here are in the same situation and have the same past, so it's helpful to know examples of what is constructive and meaningful to them. Communicating your needs beyond relative terms will keep posters from making assumptions about how their advice is dispensed.

My advice is, to get the truth you need to be firm. If you choose to love him regardless of what he's done, that is your choice to make, but I'd advise you do not use that love as an excuse to allow what truly bothers you to be swept under the carpet. If he comes clean, and that's all you need, then you can accept it and move on to focus on better things, like your marriage. 

Some posters here simply can't work that way (by that, I mean accept qualities of dishonesty in a partner, maybe because they've learned in the past that they can't tolerate it long term), but if you can then again my only advice is that you be fair to your needs from him. You need his honesty. Watch his actions, ignore his words. Anyone can tell you a good story, but living it is proof.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Satya said:


> Hi Rachel,
> 
> If you haven't left yet (saw you've posted since this), could you please elaborate on what the words bolded in your post would look like to you in the form of advice?
> 
> ...




Exactly what you did. Thank you. 


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

Peaf said:


> Hi Rachel. I came here 6 months ago with an ordeal. I was given smart, sensible advice that I chose to ignore. I was given insight from people who had experienced what I was going through, and I thought I knew better. I loved him, I knew him like no one else did, I wasn't willing to walk away from our marriage or give up on the man that I loved. But none of that changed him or the situation. I knew when I read all the wise words that THEY WERE RIGHT, but I continued lying to myself and believing what I wanted. 6 months later, it is crystal clear that they knew (and so did i) but I was too close and too emotional to see what was right in front of my eyes. I hope you have a different outcome, but I doubt it. In any case, good luck.




Well, that's the difference between your story and mine. I don't think they are right. Hope you feel better now. Thanks and good luck to you too!


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> If your friend came to you with this exact situation, what would you advise your friend to do? Would you tell them the red flags are nothing and to proceed with the marriage?




I would never judge. If they were 5 years together and had their up and downs, I would say to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would point out that this was a year ago and before the separation and all the changes that have been happening. I would suggest a type of counseling or arrangement between them so they can keep fixing their problems.

Thanks! Giving my "friend" advice has helped me to give me good advice. Thanks again!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Why not tell him you would feel so much better if he would take a polygraph.

Even if you don't intend to make him do it, see his reaction. Someone with nothing to hide will be fine with offering to do it. You don't actually have to schedule one, just make him think he is taking one and get him to the parking lot, that is where the admissions happen.

If he reacts poorly or defensively to being asked about a poly, you know something is up.

I had a similiar issue that I rugsweep prior to marriage, the questions and feelings never go away and they keep coming back, sometimes they go away for years, but they come back.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

A screengrab from a video and a still photo will have different metadata in the file properties, and there will probably be artifacts from the fact that it is a video. Also, the resolution itself could be telling, like if the resolution of the still is higher than 1080p... or even if a single dimension is bigger than 1080p. Can you get copies of these picture files? If they are from an actual camera or smartphone, it will list the camera model in the EXIF info of the file. It might even have the GPS coordinates giving you the location! If it is at all possible to get originals of these pictures, get them and check them. If you need help analyzing them, I could help over PM.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Well, that's the difference between your story and mine. I don't think they are right. Hope you feel better now. Thanks and good luck to you too!


No difference between your story and hers.

She didn't think the advice givers were right and she chose to ignore them, just as you are now doing.

You seem to think that because the alleged picture incident and whatever else happened was in the past that it doesnt matter.

He's STILL lying about it now. THAT matters. Or at least it "should" matter.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

silex said:


> No difference between your story and hers.
> 
> She didn't think the advice givers were right and she chose to ignore them, just as you are now doing.
> 
> ...




Yes, she said she knew they were right.


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

re16 said:


> Why not tell him you would feel so much better if he would take a polygraph.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yeah polygraphs are expensive but the idea of making believe it could be good. Thanks. 


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> I would never judge. If they were 5 years together and had their up and downs, I would say to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would point out that this was a year ago and before the separation and all the changes that have been happening. I would suggest a type of counseling or arrangement between them so they can keep fixing their problems.
> 
> Thanks! Giving my "friend" advice has helped me to give me good advice. Thanks again!


The courtship period is all about JUDGING the person. We judge their morals, their character or lack thereof, and their temperament, among other things; all to ascertain if they are suitable life partners. Yes, LIFE partners, as in NOT thinking that we'd divorce if things don't work out. Marriage is a serious commitment so we have to judge them, because our happiness is at stake. If they have a consistent pattern of lies and deceit, then that's a definite red flag that should not be ignored. It is better to see their true color now rather than down the road when there're children involved and we'd be looking at co-parenting "back pack kids."

There are probably billions of vagina pics online. Like doctors like to say, if you see one, you see them all, so why did he keep this particular pic on his phone? The simple and obvious answer is that the pic has sentimental value to him. What were the reasons you two separated 7 months ago and why did you get back together? 

Keep in mind that countless cheaters act upset when they are questioned about certain details. Is your fiance emotionally mature? An emotionally mature person would calmly answer the question rather than throw a mini temper tantrum.

A polygraph costs about $500. If that is expensive, you two may not be financially ready for marriage just yet. Is there an urgency to tie the knot?


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## rachel234 (Sep 11, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> The courtship period is all about JUDGING the person. We judge their morals, their character or lack thereof, and their temperament, among other things; all to ascertain if they are suitable life partners. Yes, LIFE partners, as in NOT thinking that we'd divorce if things don't work out. Marriage is a serious commitment so we have to judge them, because our happiness is at stake. If they have a consistent pattern of lies and deceit, then that's a definite red flag that should not be ignored. It is better to see their true color now rather than down the road when their children involved and we'd be looking at co-parenting "back pack kids."
> 
> There are probably billions of vagina pics online. Like doctors like to say, if you see one, you see them all, so why did he keep this particular pic on his phone? The simple and obvious answer is that the pic has sentimental value to him. What were the reasons you two separated 7 months ago and why did you got back together?
> 
> ...




I was saying I would not judge her that she still wants to be in this relationship.
$500 is expensive. I wouldn't pay more than $150. 
Yes, of course I thought about the why would you keep that woman. That's the reason why I doubt. 
I don't believe him but I'm not going to do anything else about this problem. It's my word against his. I will be alert and I'm going to therapy for sure. 
I'm just a believer of life (not him) 
I remember being young and my aunt and her boyfriend of that time broke up because it seemed there were another woman. After some months they got back, I was really young so I don't knew the details why they got back, but my point is that now after 25 years of marriage 2 kids 2 houses and a life together, I see them so incredibly in love. Even that they are in their 50s, they love and respect each other very much. They look like teenagers in love.
My boyfriend and I had a no good relationship in the past year. We almost broke it off and I have even talked to my ex about us. I could keep going over and over about my story. It's pretty long. Look, I see a change in him. He asked for the custody of his son. He's taking care of him. He's a good dad. He tries hard to be better. He's not perfect but he tries. He has done f*ed up things in the past and nobody should be judged or categorized for that. I'm not saying I will be blind. Of course I'm going to be alert! But, I am not that type of person that if I can't find a use of something anymore I'll throw it to the garbage. I'm the type of person that fixes things and believes. 
I'm sorry I feel like I should have never come here to ask strangers any help about my relationship because nobody knows us. I learned my lesson. And I appreciate the time some people gave me to try to help me. 
Thanks! And I think bye now I'm deleting this app.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

rachel234 said:


> Yes, she said she knew they were right.


No, she realized the advice givers were right AFTER it was too late.



rachel234 said:


> Thanks! And I think bye now I'm deleting this app.


And another one's gone, another one's gone, another one bites the dust.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Lots of cheaters are good moms and dads.

I, for one, would definitely want to know if the people here are right or if you are right, so do come back and update us later down the road after you get married. It could be five years, it could be ten years...

The people here are, for the most part, very pro marriage, but they are knowledgeable in how cheaters operate. Me? I just want to know how good you are at reading people. One bad read could cost you years of pain.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

rachel234 said:


> Well, I don't see life that radical. I believe in people change and can be better with time and love. Also that people have flaws but I don't want to label someone for a flaw and forget to see their good qualities.
> So, I don't believe that because of this my married is going to fail for sure. I was actually hoping for help to how to cope with this. I do want to move on and focus on our future, I am really hoping whomever sent these pictures is in the past.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


rachel, the people here have seen a LOT of stuff, and the reason they're giving you this advice is that people who LEARN to lie to get what they want or to get OUT of what they want...KEEP LYING. It's just what they do. We learn this stuff in childhood, rachel. It's part of who we are. And if you just let this go - him CHEATING ON YOU, because that's what this is - guess what you taught him?

You taught him that you're gullible, dumb, and easy to lie to. Easy to keep around for satisfaction while he continues to go out and get whatever ELSE he wants. Because you've proven that you don't respect yourself enough to make yourself matter over keeping him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Couple questions: how old are you?

And are you sure this isn't more about the wedding you want than having a good man?


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