# View on which days for co-parenting?



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Hi. I would appreciate some views from folks who are co-parenting. I am going through a divorce and basically plan to have the kids for two nights a week and every other weekend. My question is regarding which days to chose. In the sense, basically (as I understand) it can be either two consecutive days or two separate days. Of course all things being equal, it is however you set it up. But I am wondering if there are advantages/disadvantages for each method. Thanks.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'd say consecutive so that you disrupt the kids' life as little as possible -- otherwise they are constantly going to be packing up all their stuff.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah, consider logistics and upset of their week.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

I hear you. The only thing is, that say if it is Sunday/Monday (Sunday is a weekday for me), and it is not my weekend that week, there is a long gap before they see me again. I could, I suppose, go for three nights on weeks that I don't have the weekend.... hmmmm.....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, you could. At a certain point, it's about what's better for the kids.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd choose Monday & Tuesday so I could have four consecutive days with them ever two weeks.

I suppose Friday & Saturday would work as well depending on your Preference and kids schedules.

I'm not co-parenting so I might be ignorant to the details of the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I like the idea of 2 days in the middle of the week.

If you sandwich it with the weekend - yes - you'll have them 4 days in a row. But then it feels like an eternity before you get to see them again. And when you have those gaps - unless you have a great co-parenting partner - you end up out of the loop on things like school programs, open houses, lost teeth, etc., etc...

Just my opinion.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I only have mine one day plus every other weekend.

I have them every Monday. The three day weekends are nice plus since it is Monday I get to hear what is going on in school for the week so I can adjust my weekly schedule when needed.

My two cents.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

eyesopen, in my case my son's mom has him every mon and tue, I have him every wed and thur, and we alternate weekends (fri-sun).

He is in full time daycare until this August and daycare is also his transition - so I drop him off there the morning of his mom's weekdays. In a few months he'll be going to a new daycare and kindergarten in the mornings, and has school bus service plus a couple older kids to help him on and off the bus at the new daycare, so nothing should need to change as far as parenting schedule goes.

We decided on this schedule because my ex own a esthetics spa and needed to work late hours in order to earn enough, and so its better for her business to be open later in the week. It is nice having the same consistent weeknights so that I can plan and build my own new social life, and still maximize my time with my son.

It may have been a little hard for my son to adapt but the way it works is he is with her for two days then me for two days then her for five days then me for five : 2-2-5-5. The longest I go without seeing him is five days. My lawyer and my counsellor both keep suggesting that this will change and we'll likely want to go to a week on week off schedule but I don't see that ever happening, this way works well. I have another friend who is divorced with one daughter, 11, and uses the exact same schedule, works well for him too.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Eyes, also check to see if your kids' school has any kind of email/text alert thing to keep you updated on open houses, school activities, the like -- that way you are not relying on the ex to tell you about important events in your children's lives.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Because of my job I have to do a 2 week rotation with the kids. Stbxw doesn't want to rotate any weekends.. Start in 2 weeks.. see how it goes. I just want to go to mediation but that requires her to take the government course which she is dragging her feet on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I also want shared custody, which means we both have legal rights to make decisions with the children. Each parent will have 'physical custody' when they have the kids but any major decisions have to be agreed on.

This is what we both wanted at the start, or at least this is what she proposed to maybe keep me calm at the beginning. As the days go on it seems like she wants the kids and for me to become a 'weekend' dad, which I will never do nor is there any reason the court should agree to that.

Seeing how I work 2 weeks until midnight those will be her weeks, I cannot do mid week visitation so I have to settle for Tue / Thu phone calls around there bed time (which also goes along with my lunch hour). Then, once a month when it's 'her' weekends I will take them on the Saturday night. Pick them up at supper, then drop them off at lunch Sunday.

She will come on my weeks every Wednesday and take them for a few hours. 

I've been thinking about it and I honestly don't agree with it but until there is mediation .. or I get a lawyer (which I cannot afford) this is how it will be.

As selfish as it sounds, I will only get 1 Saturday night to myself a month, while she gets 3. But, if there is a special enough event I could always get a babysitter for one of my Saturday nights.

We discussed this last Sunday, never signed anything (nor will I ever without legal presence).

She has asked me in the past for full custody (when she thought she needed it for government assisted housing) and then while we talked on Sunday she mentioned how maybe it was best for them to just stay with her because the rotation might be too hard on them .. I objected right away.

Then she tells me it would be up to the courts to decide if it comes to that, in which I replied I have every right to 50 / 50 with kids.

Not tryin to hijack the thread, but just a warning. Not always as it appears!

She gets every Friday off, and 3 Saturdays a month so far without the kids. What a perfect life. I will be working to midnight and when I'm not, I will have the kids. But, personal sacrifices must be made.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

I think it all depends on the situation....cooperativeness of the partners, circumstances and the rest of it.

Mine has been what you would call a very clean break (emotional devastation notwithstanding) - but what we do is:

Sun/Mon/Tue night with say mom, then Wed/Thu with dad, then Fri/Sat with mom, then Sun/Mon/Tue dad...and so on.

So basically it's a 2 weekly schedule with nights in the week and alternating weekends. It seems to be working for us - because we only live 10 mins apart, daughter's school is in the middle, and she is well set up with favorite things, plenty of clothes etc and nice rooms in both places. If anything is forgotten, its easy to just run over and fetch. Daughter is handling it really well, and even seems to like having "two cool places to live", as she puts it.

The schedule does frequently get messed around with work trips, key events and so on, so a large degree of flexibility is required.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

my ex and i only live 10mins from eachother so its a little easier, i have her 3 nights a week and ex has her 4 nights, random nights but normally one weekend on then next weekend off if that make sense.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

The ex and I live fairly close to each other, so he has kids on Monday and Wednesday afternoons after school, then picks them up Fridays and has them until noon on Sunday. I have them during the week for stability with school, etc. So I'm one of the lucky ones who has weekends free of kids (usually). As my boyfriend works out of town during the week, weekends are the only time I can see him, so it works out well for me. I suppose the ex is not happy about it, but as the divorce was all his idea, I really don't care.


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## petrodupl (Jul 2, 2012)

My ex gets the kids every second weekend and every Wed night...this works for us but he is also allowed to contact the kids everynight before bedtime and the kids have ajusted to this quite nicely....


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

um, was going good as posted months ago. now wife has quit work and has her 5 nightt o my 2, daughter suddenly doesnt want to sleep here?

what the?

now wide wants to move four hours away with daughter. **** me


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brendan, you could make a new thread. But most importantly, you have rights as a parent to not have your child removed from your custody. Did you have a legal separation agreement? If so, keep a printed copy handy. If your W refuses to comply with the agreement than prepare to take full custody for she would be in violation. AFAIK in most jurisdictions one parent can't take the child far distances without the other guardian's consent. If you don't have a legal agreement go see a lawyer asap.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ex and I did 3-4-4-3 initially. I'd have her 3 days, he'd have her four, I'd have her four, he'd have her three.... so Every other week I'd have her on Wednesday. THis was while she was in pre-K and K.

That didn't work out (he wasn't doing homework with her or reading to her at all, stalking me, telling her lies about me) so we went to court and I got full custody so then she went to her Dad's every other weekend from Friday after school and would take her to school on Monday and he was allowed to choose a random weekday and he chose Thursday for work reasons.

Now after the psychological evaluation he's only allowed to see her every other Fri/Sat nights and I pick her up on Sunday evening.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

eyesopen said:


> Hi. I would appreciate some views from folks who are co-parenting. I am going through a divorce and basically plan to have the kids for two nights a week and every other weekend. My question is regarding which days to chose. In the sense, basically (as I understand) it can be either two consecutive days or two separate days. Of course all things being equal, it is however you set it up. But I am wondering if there are advantages/disadvantages for each method. Thanks.


My ex and I tried to split the week but it was so disruptive bc of how different he runs his house compared to how I run mine.I'm strict and he's an anything goes type of parent.

I think in the summer splitting the week is awesome or even doing every other week.But during the school year,it's almost better for the child's routine to keep overnights to every weekend or every other weekend.Maybe take them out for dinner twice a week,help them with their homework then take them back to the "main" home.

Realize that even though parents can have 50/50 custody,the child may always consider one place as their actual home.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> My ex and I tried to split the week but it was so disruptive bc of how different he runs his house compared to how I run mine.I'm strict and he's an anything goes type of parent.
> 
> I think in the summer splitting the week is awesome or even doing every other week.But during the school year,it's almost better for the child's routine to keep overnights to every weekend or every other weekend.Maybe take them out for dinner twice a week,help them with their homework then take them back to the "main" home.
> 
> *Realize that even though parents can have 50/50 custody,the child may always consider one place as their actual home.*


We do 50/50 shared care, the kids have bedrooms at both houses. They have a complete set of clothes, toys, books, sports gear and whatever at both houses.
It was important for us to help the kids feel like they have 2 homes.
I know this is not possible for everyone and especially if doing less than 50/50 but if at all possible I would encourage parents to do this. The kids don't have to stress about taking clothing or other items from house to house so it is less disruptive.

Personal items such as laptops, phones etc they just have one of as these things they carry with them anyway.

*ScarletBegonias* I hear you on the different parenting issue. I just let it slide, he is a good parent with all the right intentions. We do things differently in some areas but as long as it is nothing that is detrimental to the kids then I just let it go.

OP whatever you decide to do keep in mind that it does not have to be set in stone. Give it a try and if it isn't working then re negotiate a different schedule.

Someone mentioned schools having email lists etc. This is a really good point. Make sure you are on the schools newsletter list, any sports club lists etc. It can get complicated with all the activities that kids have.

Ex and I co parent well together, we both go to functions no matter who's time it is on. We swap days if needed and we share birthdays and celebrations regardless of who's day they fall on.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

We left outs flexible, with a percentage determined, more or less. It's seen us through a number of years, changes in kids activities, schools, surgeries, changes in my living circumstances and school schedule and work, etc. Also into the scene where the kids have sleepovers, sports, after school activities, and overnight camps and other special events. I think a flexible schedule is best. It can change according to the needs of the kids and the capabilities of the parents, which is pretty much how it is for any other kid when it comes to a 'schedule.'

My kids are with me during school weeks right now and 3/4 weekends tend to be with their father, but if they have something going on then they stay here or he drives them into town for whatever activity. He also takes them one afternoon a week, but there is an extra-curricular activity and it's a day when I have a class that runs late. When there's a vacation, we just get out calendars and see where the must-do and want-to-do and would-be-ideal days are...we mark up the calendar and email back and forth and figure it out.

I take less money than what the state would allot me for child support, because I made a conscious choice to live on less to do more with kids and with myself. That works both ways, because I've traditionally taken less than the formula, if I start earning more than their dad again (which is a distinct possibility) he won't be likely to start hitting me up for support, either. If I work more, then I just either try to see if he can do one more day a week or I have no problem getting a sitter for my kids. I work a lot from home so the expenses for my kids when they're with me are really minimal. I can do a lot on a little...small town life it does not take much to live the good life where I am, or how I live. At their dad's house, my kids have all the furniture and stuff I left them there, basically a mini farm and really nice stuff. But they prefer to be here with me, because here they have their support for their art and interests...and their friends and activities and their school, etc.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

For my family....the less disruption in the kids life the better.

My teen daughter expressed displeasure of having to move households every week. We gave her the option of anything different...every two weeks, living at one place primary etc. She chose to remain 1 week on 1 week off. Mostly it was out of guilt (as far as I could see). 

Packing and transitioning for years...gets old.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Corpuswife do you mean your daughter has to take belongings from one house to the other?


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