# Need advice-help! Wife goes out alot.



## rb123 (Jan 14, 2011)

Been married for over 11 years. My wife and I have two kids and in the past year she has lost alot of weight and looks great. I have been supportive of her throughout the marriage and we get along great. Lately she has been going out with some friends which I felt was good at first for her alone time. Lately it has been with two people 1 married female and male single. It has been constantly at local coffee shops and now bars. Recently, we sat down as it continued to be excessive. With that I have been the one spending time with the kids at night, doing the laundry and cleaning the house. If I don't do it it does not get done. She would go about 3 to 4 times before and decreased it to about 2 times a week- and come home around 12am and on occasion 3am. Finally right before the holidays we went out and I told her about my feelings. She feels that we do not need counciling and will not participate in it. She was very defensive -saying that I was jealous and seemed to run her life and she will stop going out to make me happy. About a month ago she did not want me going out with her friends and I insisted to go as I was her husband. We did go out and had a fun time but noticed some things that I would not have approved of if I was not there. When I brought this up she made it out to be not a big deal. As, a result she continued to meet with these people and sometimes with just the single male. When confronted she said she needs alone time and even one time mentioned that we get a divorce. She constantly texts both friends and one time when I took her phone she started screaming at me-yet she says she has nothing to hide. I feel that she is not cheating on me and is just friends. When I confronted her about what she said with divorce she said that she did not mean it or really want it. We had a conversation where I expressed my feelings and was emotional and she said she would stop going out at night. It has been about 3 weeks and things have seemed all right. But lately now ( and she works part time) She has been going to lunch with both friends and sometimes with just the single male. I found out that she had lunch with both on one day, the next day with him and my kids and by chance saw a text for her to go out tomorrow during the day (possibly with both). Tonight we had an argument . She canceled and said it was to make me happy. It always seems to come back to me having the problem. She says she never has time to clean etc. but I am the one who makes the time to do it and if she would not be going out as much she would have the time. Let alone our finances are not all the best right now. She said she would have told me later she was going out but I honestly don't believe it -as if I did not see the text -I would have never have known. If it was not for this situation I think we would have a better relationship- sometimes I feel that maybe divorce would be the answer as we have been on slight occasion arguing in front of the kids- which I dislike. I really don't want to but am afraid that I am fooling myself to make it work. I asked her if she is willing to make things work but feels she maybe wanting something different once she is more independent. I have started a new position at work and am very stressed and told her I need her support right now. I just feel betrayed that we had a talk and instead of it being at night- it is now the day time. What do I do? I love her but ...is it worth it? Sometimes I feel depressed and want to put myself out of my misery but thinking of my kids keeps me alive. When I confront her she says I will let you know all my details and just get a full time job and work all the time-trying to give me complex because then I would never see her. I am at a total lost and need advice. I am nearing 40 and just don't know what to do. Let alone she is texting alot and on the computer instead of spending more time with the kids. Am I overacting- do I have a right to tell her what I have told her. I don't want her to feel that I am controlling her but as I have expressed to her I feel that family needs to be first and then friends. I think everyone needs their alone time but I feel taken advantage of from the way it has been handled. Please advise.


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## lace5262 (Oct 13, 2010)

Your wife lost a lot of weight, looks great, going out 3-4 times a week sometimes coming in at 3am, also going out with a single guy, and you don't think she's cheating? Seriously? 

I don't mean to sound rude, but you might want to pull your head out of the sand. She is a wife and a mother, yet she is acting single. She is DATING.

You need to lay out some serious boundaries. You need to tell her exactly what you will & will not tolerate. She is a wife, and if she wants to continue to be YOUR wife she needs to act like it. 

BTW, you would probably get more advice if you broke your post into smaller paragraphs. It about killed my eyes reading it.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

First off, what was the reasong for her weight loss? Was it because of a New Years resolution? Health reasons? Other? Or was it because she met someone else (like this couple)? (Sorry, but we don't have the history or the timeline of change, other than the past year).

She feels wonderful about herself because she lost weight, so she is doing what she can (or want) to enjoy life. It sounds like that her interests are not on the same page as yours. If she is taking precedence of these "dates" over family and responsibilities, then there is an issue here. I do not know what the family life is at your house, but it sounds like that she has lost interest in the everyday home life and gained interest in the "new" life. If you were ever overbearing in any of your conversations or concerns, then she may shut the doors to any meaningful conversation.

I am concerned hor her, for you, and for the children. She is choosing her party life over that of the family life. If your marriage is worth saving, I feel that the both of you need to go to a marriage counselor, and talk about what is on your minds. A (good) counselor has a way of "bringing out" issues that are otherwise buried. I realize that marriage counseling may not be what she wants, but in order to get to the root of the issue, this may be what has to be done.

I am no expert. I am just a guy who's been through it.

I wish you the best of luck!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

lace5262 said:


> Your wife lost a lot of weight, looks great, going out 3-4 times a week sometimes coming in at 3am, also going out with a single guy, and you don't think she's cheating? Seriously?
> 
> I don't mean to sound rude, but you might want to pull your head out of the sand. She is a wife and a mother, yet she is acting single. She is DATING.
> 
> ...


Agree. Also, has she always been overweight? She could be trying to live out the life she thinks she didn't have because she was embarrased of her weight. Either way she doesn't want the responsibilities of a wife/mother. You need to set some boundaries and stop playing....wait for it... Mr NiceGuy. Also make her make a decision for herself not for you. If she wants that life she can have it but not on your dime or time.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Do a 180. Start talking to her like you plan to be divorced by the end of the year. Show her the paper with apartments in your area, start asking her "do you think we should sell the house and split the money when we split up?" Ask her if she wants full custody or joint. When she asks you why you're talking this way, tell her that you've resigned yourself to the fact that she doesn't want to be a wife and mother anymore, that you can see that this "whole new me" wants to be single again.
SHE'LL probably be the one begging you not to leave.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

F-102 said:


> Do a 180. Start talking to her like you plan to be divorced by the end of the year. Show her the paper with apartments in your area, start asking her "do you think we should sell the house and split the money when we split up?" Ask her if she wants full custody or joint. When she asks you why you're talking this way, tell her that you've resigned yourself to the fact that she doesn't want to be a wife and mother anymore, that you can see that this "whole new me" wants to be single again.
> SHE'LL probably be the one begging you not to leave.


I agree, however, be prepared that she may take you up on it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

lace5262 said:


> Your wife lost a lot of weight, looks great, going out 3-4 times a week sometimes coming in at 3am, also going out with a single guy, and you don't think she's cheating? Seriously?
> 
> *I don't mean to sound rude, but you might want to pull your head out of the sand. She is a wife and a mother, yet she is acting single. She is DATING.*You need to lay out some serious boundaries. QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## lace5262 (Oct 13, 2010)

*As, a result she continued to meet with these people and sometimes with just the single male.*

Rob, that's a line from the OP.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The woman is the Op's wife's "wingman".


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Back when I was younger I would have left the house a mess, stayed at work and just come home later then my wife. If you don't want to be controlling or jealous and she she want time with here friend you can give it to her. Hell give her the time by not giving your time to her or the family.

Well heres what happened, and this only took 13 years to occomplish. The house has fallen apart, my kids flunked out of school and my wife has had 20 lovers. 

Thirteen years ago I would have taken control of my own self, and not let her control the way I raised my kids or how I allowed my self to be treated by her or how she treated the things we worked so hard to get. By doing so I would have set up rules for my self. #1 self repect for my self. See how can your W respect you when you dont respect your self. 

So in short show some tough love and control the things you have control over. You wife can make the dicision in either excepting your new way of things or she can leave. 

Start with the bank account, protect your self by limiting her ATM amount, customer service can help you there.

Stop all credit card, tell them they have been missed placed.

I hope she comes around but if it gets bad and she continues to stay out, take her things to her parent or the garage and let her know that you will not tolorate her coming home in all hours of the morning and that she can choose between staying home or living else where.

I quess my biggest regret is not maning up and showing some tough love 13 years ago.


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## rb123 (Jan 14, 2011)

Thank you for the suggestions. Over the past couple months things seemed to have improved by setting boundries. However, I am still bothered by the texting. She now has a password on her phone. She says it is so the kids won't play games on it. I have asked for the password but then she changes it. 
I have asked her not to go out at night so late. She goes out a couple times a month. She did respect that - but now is saying that I keep her on a short leash. She says she does not want a different life/divorce etc. 
I do not know what to do- This is effecting me and as a result my family- and she will not go to counseling. Our relationship is lacking the intimacy we once had. I am feeling like I am starting back to square one. Would like for our relationship to work but feel like I am the only one trying to make it work.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

rb123 said:


> Thank you for the suggestions. Over the past couple months things seemed to have improved by setting boundries. However, I am still bothered by the texting. She now has a password on her phone. She says it is so the kids won't play games on it. I have asked for the password but then she changes it.
> I have asked her not to go out at night so late. She goes out a couple times a month. She did respect that - but now is saying that I keep her on a short leash. She says she does not want a different life/divorce etc.
> I do not know what to do- This is effecting me and as a result my family- and she will not go to counseling. Our relationship is lacking the intimacy we once had. I am feeling like I am starting back to square one. Would like for our relationship to work but feel like I am the only one trying to make it work.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I'll bet you see yourself here.

We're ready to kick it around with you in the Men's Clubhouse.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

rb123 said:


> Thank you for the suggestions. Over the past couple months things seemed to have improved by setting boundries. However, I am still bothered by the texting. She now has a password on her phone. She says it is so the kids won't play games on it. I have asked for the password but then she changes it.
> I have asked her not to go out at night so late. She goes out a couple times a month. She did respect that - but now is saying that I keep her on a short leash. She says she does not want a different life/divorce etc.
> I do not know what to do- This is effecting me and as a result my family- and she will not go to counseling. Our relationship is lacking the intimacy we once had. I am feeling like I am starting back to square one. Would like for our relationship to work but feel like I am the only one trying to make it work.


She is cheating on you. She is cheating on you. She is cheating on you. She is cheating on you. She is cheating on you. aLL SIGNS ARE THERE!

she is playing manipulation game by accept what you sAY for a short period OF TIME and start all over again. 

Let me tell you, you seems to discuss with her but not serious when YOU DO SO and therefore she does not take it serious which makes her repeats again since do not give any consequences. She keep on disrespecting you, reduce intimacy fwith you and keep on cheating!

Set NOW (today) boundaries with consequences when are crossed. Be sure you do when they are crossed. Tell her to stop meeting them, nor texting them and no more night out. She gave you reason to not trust her so she must give you password. Tell her if she will do you will have to divorce. Be ready to divorce her as well..MEAN IT!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't ask her to do anything.
Tell her that in your definition of a marriage a man does X and a wife does Y (ie. does not go out with single men). Define all the conditions you expect for her to be a participant in your marriage. Then offer her the choice whether she is in a marriage with you or not. You are not controlling, jealous or any of that. She is using you as a babysitter and financial support.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I had a female acquaintance that went through something similar. She lost weight, started looking good and found a life. She might not have been cheating in the beginning but she sure was at the end. And it was with a married man. She slept with him when she was supposed to be at weekly PTA meetings. Her husband caught her by tapping her computer and read her e-mails.

They are now divorced and she's after another married man now.

She's up to something if not now very very soon.


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