# Asking for input



## Billybob3545 (May 12, 2017)

I recently found out my wife of 13 years has been having an affair. The gist is that it was mainly emotional, though there was some sex. I found out accidently when I picked up her phone to verify a calendar invitation and found several emails. 
She has agreed to not see him anymore, marriage counseling (in fact we were in the Counselor's office within a week). She swears it is over, and that she never had any intention of leaving me for him. She has given me carte blanch with her email, social media and cell phone. 
It is still raw and I feel betrayed, but I want to have hope. She swears she loves me and wants to make this work. 
Am I being a fool? How long will this hurt? Will I ever stop having images in my mind of her with him? 
Please someone tell me a success story so I can have some hope.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Do you want an anecdotal success story or do you want the truth.

Fact: You will never forget.
Fact: You will always wonder.
Fact: You don't know what she would have done if you didn't catch her.
Fact: You will always know that you came second.
Fact: She obviously didn't care about your marriage when she was doing this.
Fact: You will picture them together when you have sex. Imagining her climaxing or essing his D.

I could go on, but these are facts and are indisputable.


----------



## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Hey- that really sucks. I'm super jaded at the moment, so I'm not going to give you a success story at all unfortunately 

How long was her affair going on? How old are you guys?

I found out my hubby first cheated on me when were engaged. It got better for sure! Then he did it again...and again... and again. Be careful.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

It’s going to hurt for a LONG time. How did the affair end? When you discovered it or did she end it on her own before that? There are success stories, but a lot of it is going to depend on your wife. What are her reasons for the affair? Did she work with the guy? Does she still? Who is he? The images and pain aren’t going away any time soon and at some point anger and resentment WILL set in.


----------



## Billybob3545 (May 12, 2017)

We are in our late 40's and the affair lasted just a shade over a year.


----------



## Billybob3545 (May 12, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> It’s going to hurt for a LONG time. How did the affair end? When you discovered it or did she end it on her own before that? There are success stories, but a lot of it is going to depend on your wife. What are her reasons for the affair? Did she work with the guy? Does she still? Who is he? The images and pain aren’t going away any time soon and at some point anger and resentment WILL set in.


It ended when I confronted her about the emails I found. I have no way of knowing what would have happened if I hadn't found them but I can only assume. She claims she has no idea how this happened and says over and over that it is not my fault (Granted). She does not work with him and he lives pretty far away. The went to grade school together many years ago and just recently reconnected (Thanks Facebook). 
Am I wrong to wish I never found out about it? I would do anything to be blissfully ignorant. 
Up until I found out I was the happiest guy on earth.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

R can work if your wife is remorseful and puts in the work to fix herself. Your marriage will never be the same, but it can be salvaged if it is what YOU want. Before doing any marriage counseling, she should see an IC first for a while to figure out why she did this. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Billybob3545 (May 12, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Do you want an anecdotal success story or do you want the truth.
> 
> Fact: You will never forget.
> Fact: You will always wonder.
> ...


While I appreciate your candor, I have to try to get past this don't I ?


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Get tested for STDs. 
Kids? DNA them. This will let her know just how serious you are, and how she has broken your trust.
Have her write down a complete and exhaustive timeline. She gets one chance and one chance only to do it and make it complete. If she refuses, the consequence is divorce.
Any future lies and the consequence is divorce. 
Have her sign a post nuptial agreement. If she refuses, the consequence is divorce. 

The reality is, despite what appears to be her show of contrition, she's actually sorry that she got caught, not that she swapped bodily fluids with another guy. 

You must get ready for her to blame you....it's called DARVO and stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. (Google it for more.)

Buckle up. You're in for a wild ride.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Herschel said:


> Do you want an anecdotal success story or do you want the truth.
> 
> Fact: You will never forget.
> Fact: You will always wonder.
> ...


Fact: ^ THIS IS TRUTH!


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Billybob3545 said:


> I recently found out my wife of 13 years has been having an affair. The gist is that it was mainly emotional, though there was some sex. I found out accidently when I picked up her phone to verify a calendar invitation and found several emails.
> She has agreed to not see him anymore, marriage counseling (in fact we were in the Counselor's office within a week). She swears it is over, and that she never had any intention of leaving me for him. She has given me carte blanch with her email, social media and cell phone.
> It is still raw and I feel betrayed, but I want to have hope. She swears she loves me and wants to make this work.
> Am I being a fool? How long will this hurt? Will I ever stop having images in my mind of her with him?
> Please someone tell me a success story so I can have some hope.


There is hope that the two of you will stay together for awhile, but that is quite different than hope that you'll ever be happy again. Being happy again requires a lot of work and time and that still doesn't guarantee happiness with return. For me the stages were shock, then extreme misery for a few months, followed by a long period of resentment. 

You're currently not on the right track because it is you who is saying that you want to have hope. Your wife will need to do the heavy lifting. If there is one thing that most betrayed spouses agree on, it is that they regret not being strong enough in the beginning. Instead we tend to give in because we suddenly left with little self-confidence so we are afraid that our spouse will choose the other man or woman.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Billybob3545 said:


> While I appreciate your candor, I have to try to get past this don't I ?


As long as except those are Facts.
I experienced them, all of them for 16 years, It's very hard on you.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Does his spouse or gf know?

Do you have children?

These may help... 

NOT "Just Friends"

No More Mr Nice Guy


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Billybob3545 said:


> It ended when I confronted her about the emails I found. I have no way of knowing what would have happened if I hadn't found them but I can only assume. She claims she has no idea how this happened and says over and over that it is not my fault (Granted). She does not work with him and he lives pretty far away. The went to grade school together many years ago and just recently reconnected (*Thanks Facebook*).
> Am I wrong to wish I never found out about it? I would do anything to be blissfully ignorant.
> Up until I found out I was the happiest guy on earth.


Devils workshop.


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Billybob3545 said:


> While I appreciate your candor, I have to try to get past this don't I ?


You do need to try and put it behind you the best you can if you really want to work things out, I'm not saying forget about it but you need to move past it. At least she does seem remorseful and has given you access to everything, that's a good sign. But be careful because that can all change and without any warning. She could wake up one morning thinking about how much she misses the OM and things get ugly again. If you see bizarre mood swings and behavior from her don't question it just let it go. Keep a close eye on things and just be on guard but not confrontational.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Billybob3545 said:


> While I appreciate your candor, I have to try to get past this don't I ?


No. You can accept the fact that the woman you thought was loyal and put you and her first, really wasn't. And instead of wasting more time with a woman who wanted another man's ****, you can tell her to take a hike, and you are plenty young enough to find someone who will be everything you want.

Also factor in that everything you feel and all of your pain is also something she feels. Her guilt, her inability to look at you the same, her feelings of anguish...all the stuff you have NO control over, also affect the rest of your lives.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Herschel said:


> Do you want an anecdotal success story or do you want the truth.
> 
> Fact: You will never forget.
> Fact: You will always wonder.
> ...


This stuff isn't forever. You're, what a year or two out @Herschel? I'm 7, and I don't wonder any more. I know what he would have done if I didn't catch him - he would have continued cheating and we'd probably be divorced today. I certainly don't come second today - I didn't really come second even when he was cheating. He didn't care about the marriage and neither did I much at that point - I was guilty of just coasting and giving up. And the 'mind movies' stopped for good about 3 years ago. haven't had one since.

So yes, you can get past this, but the only way is for the WS to be TRULY remorseful. Read this thread for what that looks like.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Herschel said:


> No. You can accept the fact that the woman you thought was loyal and put you and her first, really wasn't. And instead of wasting more time with a woman who wanted another man's ****, you can tell her to take a hike, and you are plenty young enough to find someone who will be everything you want.
> 
> Also factor in that everything you feel and all of your pain is also something she feels. Her guilt, her inability to look at you the same, her feelings of anguish...all the stuff you have NO control over, also affect the rest of your lives.


You're being too hard on this guy. From what he says, his wife is, so far, doing the right things. Just because you're bitter doesn't mean he needs to start off that way - let her prove him wrong first. The guy WANTS to reconcile - he needs to try it, and if he finds out she's trickle truthing and still lying then he has his answer.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You're being too hard on this guy. From what he says, his wife is, so far, doing the right things. Just because you're bitter doesn't mean he needs to start off that way - let her prove him wrong first. The guy WANTS to reconcile - he needs to try it, and if he finds out she's trickle truthing and still lying then he has his answer.


That's unfair. I'm not bitter and my ex didn't even have sex with someone else. Don't undermine my point with a shot at me. I don't think you can get past someone cheating and be as happy as you would not with them. And that is just half of the equation. You don't forget and you always will feel burned. Cause you were.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> This stuff isn't forever. You're, what a year or two out @Herschel? I'm 7, and I don't wonder any more. I know what he would have done if I didn't catch him - he would have continued cheating and we'd probably be divorced today. I certainly don't come second today - I didn't really come second even when he was cheating. He didn't care about the marriage and neither did I much at that point - I was guilty of just coasting and giving up. And the 'mind movies' stopped for good about 3 years ago. haven't had one since.
> 
> So yes, you can get past this, but the only way is for the WS to be TRULY remorseful. Read this thread for what that looks like.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


I am two marriages out, btw. I am happy you found your way through it, and I wish only the happiness for everyone. You are likely the outlier. The exception to the rule.


----------



## Billybob3545 (May 12, 2017)

Herschel said:


> That's unfair. I'm not bitter and my ex didn't even have sex with someone else. Don't undermine my point with a shot at me. I don't think you can get past someone cheating and be as happy as you would not with them. And that is just half of the equation. You don't forget and you always will feel burned. Cause you were.


I don't feel that you are bitter and I don't feel you have been undermined, I'm just trying to hold out hope that I / We can come back from this. This is my second marriage and the first one ended after my first wife had an affair. I approached that one very simply, "Get your crap and get out." It made my kids miserable and I have regretted not making any sort of effort at reconciliation. 
So, I have every reason to be really mad a judgmental about this since it is the second time with two wives in a row, but I am reminded of the old saying, "If you are looking for the fool in the room and you don't see them......."
I want to be fair and give Us a chance.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Billybob3545 said:


> I want to be fair ....


Interesting choice of words... how does one be "fair" with a cheater? Sounds like an impossible mismatch; two things that can never go together. 

Not taking a side one way or the other--just recommending that you realize that if you strive for reconciliation, you are being so much more than fair, which is usually a bad recipe -- Hope's story is indeed hopeful, but it is not the norm. Brace yourself and keep your eyes wide open.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> There is hope that the two of you will stay together for awhile, but that is quite different than hope that you'll ever be happy again. Being happy again requires a lot of work and time and that still doesn't guarantee happiness with return. For me the stages were shock, then extreme misery for a few months, followed by a long period of resentment.
> 
> You're currently not on the right track because it is you who is saying that you want to have hope. Your wife will need to do the heavy lifting. If there is one thing that most betrayed spouses agree on, it is that they regret not being strong enough in the beginning. Instead we tend to give in because we suddenly left with little self-confidence so we are afraid that our spouse will choose the other man or woman.


I definitely agree, if your marriage is to survive this, she is going to have to do the heavy lifting, show remorse for what she did, be the one who wants to reconcile with YOU and be open to full disclosure of everything. This isn't going away any time soon. It's going to hurt for a long while and her commitment to help you get through it will have to be there. The question is whether you are willing to put up with all of it or start over with someone else.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> Devils workshop.


That's an interesting debate. At one time cars and phones were blamed for making cheating easier. FB and smart phones certainly make it easier to cheat, but it also makes it easier to get caught. If my wife ever reconnects with an old boyfriend through FB, I would blame it on my wife and divorce her quickly. I will never attempt reconciliation again. Life's too short.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Brace yourself and keep your eyes wide open.


As wide as humanly possible! Affairs generally don't end suddenly after getting caught.


----------



## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> As wide as humanly possible! Affairs generally don't end suddenly after getting caught.


Agreed! 150%


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Billybob3545 said:


> It ended when I confronted her about the emails I found. I have no way of knowing what would have happened if I hadn't found them but I can only assume. *She claims she has no idea how this happened* and says over and over that it is not my fault (Granted). She does not work with him and he lives pretty far away. The went to grade school together many years ago and just recently reconnected (Thanks Facebook).
> Am I wrong to wish I never found out about it? I would do anything to be blissfully ignorant.
> Up until I found out I was the happiest guy on earth.


OP,
I would find this very troubling. As is the case with any disease, the key to curing the issue is to first identify the cause of the illness. Until the cause is identified there can be no healing, only treating of the symptoms. The disease still remains and festers until it once again flares up.



Herschel said:


> No. You can accept the fact that the woman you thought was loyal and put you and her first, really wasn't. And instead of wasting more time with a woman who wanted another man's ****, you can tell her to take a hike, and you are plenty young enough to find someone who will be everything you want.
> 
> Also factor in that everything you feel and all of your pain is also something she feels. Her guilt, her inability to look at you the same, her feelings of anguish...all the stuff you have NO control over, also affect the rest of your lives.


It certainly is an option to cut and run, D and move on but depending on how much you have invested in this relationship it may not be that easy. However, do be mindful that the A lasted roughly a year. That is not a "mistake" or a lapse in judgement but rather points to a more serious underlying character trait. If R is to be even remotely successful then your wife must undergo a fundamental shift in her cognitive processing and that is nearly impossible. She will need to literally transform into a different person mentally. It is possible but highly, highly unlikely unless she has fully experienced the A as the life altering event that it is. Short of this, R will be in name only having the form but lacking the function.

It would be prudent to be very observant over the next few months so as to determine her true nature. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I definitely agree, if your marriage is to survive this, she is going to have to do the heavy lifting, show remorse for what she did, be the one who wants to reconcile with YOU and be open to full disclosure of everything. This isn't going away any time soon. It's going to hurt for a long while and her commitment to help you get through it will have to be there. The question is whether you are willing to put up with all of it or start over with someone else.


In addition, OP's wife was in a relationship for a year. She won't be able to suddenly stop thinking about the other guy. OP almost has to brace himself for a 2nd D-day. I feel for him.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Billybob3545 said:


> I don't feel that you are bitter and I don't feel you have been undermined, I'm just trying to hold out hope that I / We can come back from this. This is my second marriage and the first one ended after my first wife had an affair. I approached that one very simply, "Get your crap and get out." It made my kids miserable and I have regretted not making any sort of effort at reconciliation.
> So, I have every reason to be really mad a judgmental about this since it is the second time with two wives in a row, but I am reminded of the old saying, "If you are looking for the fool in the room and you don't see them......."
> I want to be fair and give Us a chance.


You might be codependent like me.
I just read *Codependent : No More* (via my therapist) very enlightening.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Billybob3545 said:


> I don't feel that you are bitter and I don't feel you have been undermined, I'm just trying to hold out hope that I / We can come back from this. This is my second marriage and the first one ended after my first wife had an affair. I approached that one very simply, "Get your crap and get out." It made my kids miserable and I have regretted not making any sort of effort at reconciliation.
> So, I have every reason to be really mad a judgmental about this since it is the second time with two wives in a row, but I am reminded of the old saying, "If you are looking for the fool in the room and you don't see them......."
> I want to be fair and give Us a chance.


You're clearly a nice person. If some of us give you a smack in the butt with a stick, it's because no one wants to see you make the same mistakes that most of us have made. However, most of us understand what you are going through right now and we also understand that it is your life and you get to make the final decisions about how to handle this situation. If nothing else, then at least keep your eyes open and don't forget your own value.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Here's the thing Billy. She may say she doesn't know how it happened but she does. She did it because she believed she could get something out of an outside relationship and she believed it because her romantic interest in you was on the wane. Youre not going to find many wives who cheat that will tell you, "I just love my husband to death but I decided to cheat". It's usually in the form of, "my husband is a wonderful man but thing have been stale of late". (Hint: a wonderful man and one that loves her to death does not in and of these two elements, cause her to love and respect him. The only thing that keeps her walking the line is how much she loves you; never, ever, how much you love her) 
Since you've had two cheaters in a row, you may need to examine your own behavior. Are you a good guy who takes a little too much crap to really feel like, "I'm taking a little too much crap"? Show me a man who lets his wife kick and disrespect his azz and I'll show you a wife somebody can steal.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Herschel said:


> That's unfair. I'm not bitter and my ex didn't even have sex with someone else. Don't undermine my point with a shot at me. I don't think you can get past someone cheating and be as happy as you would not with them. And that is just half of the equation. You don't forget and you always will feel burned. Cause you were.


Sorry for the shot, you certainly SOUND bitter. I also don't think most people can get past cheating, but I did. And some people have to TRY. This guys wife seems to have started out doing the right stuff. I think he should wait and see if she continues to, because like he said, he doesn't want regrets.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and also, whoever said she needs IC before you get into MC was right. She's broken and needs fixing before she will be able to contribute meaningfully and do the work required on the marriage.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Billybob3545 said:


> While I appreciate your candor, I have to try to get past this don't I ?


You only have to do what your heart and self-respect lead you to do. 

Understand something Billy...and I want you to understand a truth that is more important than anything else: nothing, and I mean nothing, is more valuable than your self respect. Your marriage, your job, your religion, your reputation in the community, your wife's respect....none of those things are more important or as valuable as how you value yourself. If you do not value yourself your life isn't worth a penny. You could be the most handsome, richest, most charming male on this planet...but without your self respect you are nothing. 

Most of the BSs on this forum have had to learn this the hard way. They thought they could trade their self respect for the love of their wayward spouses and for marital stability and "happiness", but almost to a man and woman, those who did sacrifice their self respect end up regretting that decision years after discovery. 

If you can continue living with your wife, and continue loving her, without giving up your self respect and without having to forfeit your personal boundaries, then I say you do what you need to do. But if by staying with her you cannot look at yourself in the mirror without seeing a man who is worth something looking back at you, then no one would blame you if you left her and filed for divorce. 

And another thing...do not feel pressured to forgive her...right away or forever for that matter. Make her earn your forgiveness. Don't give it away cheaply.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Your W "doesn't know how it happened?" I call BS. Textbook cheater speak. Also, a year long affair is a long time. Ask yourself would it still be going on had you not found out?

I'm sorry you're here. I know it hurts so very much. 

I'm always so skeptical of reconciliation (R) after an affair, especially under your circumstances (you found out - she didn't come to you with a confession.)

R is possible, sure, but it might be a faux R. Are you the breadwinner of the family?




Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree with Lucy. 

Your WW knows how it happened. And she damn well would not have stopped if she had not been caught. 

It happened because she wanted it to happen. Plain and simple. She liked the guy, lusted after him and did the deed. She needs to cut out all the psychological mumbo jumbo and admit that she gave into temptation and screwed another man.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Billybob3545 said:


> It ended when I confronted her about the emails I found. I have no way of knowing what would have happened if I hadn't found them but I can only assume. She claims she has no idea how this happened and says over and over that it is not my fault (Granted). She does not work with him and he lives pretty far away. The went to grade school together many years ago and just recently reconnected (Thanks Facebook).
> Am I wrong to wish I never found out about it? I would do anything to be blissfully ignorant.
> Up until I found out I was the happiest guy on earth.


You sound like me back in 2009. 13 years of marriage. I thought we were happy...blind sided by the discovery. 1 1/2 years affair with grade school guy...Fakebook. 

I can't predict your future but here's how mine ended. She claimed she was sorry and didn't know how it happened...sound familiar? She promised she would never see him again...she lied and they took it underground. I found out again. This time she had no remorse. I was so consumed with saving our marriage that I put up with crap for another year. I overlooked the fact that I could never forget or forgive her and apparently she didn't care. Finally I grew a pair and divorced her. 

You need to dig deep and ask yourself questions like these: 

Do I really want to be married to her anymore? 
Do I want to be checking up on her for the rest of my life, wondering what she's doing or who she is with?
Now that you know the level of deception she is capable of, can you ever trust her again?
Will you ever get over the mind movies? 
Can you ever really forgive her...I mean really forgive?
Will she do it again? (The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior)
In the future when she's having sex with you, or not...or just staring off into space, will she be thinking about him?
Will she do the hard work on herself to figure out why she did this? BTW, she knows why.
Are you willing to put in years of hard work to restore your marriage? Is she? If so, be prepared for the roller-coaster ride from Hell.
Years down the road, will you resent her for what she did? Will she resent you for interfering?

Remember, your marriage will never be the same again. If you are lucky, this R will take many years. At a minimum, there will always be a big crack right through the middle. Keep in mind, most marriages where the wife is the cheater, end up in divorce.

Good luck my friend.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife claimed she gave in to the advances of another man once. I did not have evidence. I did not find anything. She told me, confessed immediately, and begged me to forgive her. She cried a lot, and clung to me. She swore she would make it up to me, and be an angel, anything I needed.

I have to say I wasn't even that bothered, because I am a product of the '60's, wild child and all that. It's possible she fell for the advances of the other guy, if she did, because of my own cavalier attitude toward sex. But I did tell her it was wrong.

In any case, your wife, in my opinion, does not sound contrite, sad, at all sorrowful she did what she did. As some mentioned, all I hear when I read your posts is a wife who is a little uncomfortable because she got caught.

My wife cried for days, and promised me the moon. She confessed on her own. She could have kept it secret and I would have never known.

We are still married. The other couple blew apart. I was pretty cruel about it all. I did exact heavy payment from my wife's promise of the moon. Of course, with her it was difficult for me to find anything more I could demand of her, but I worked hard on it. So instead of sex every evening it was sex every morning and evening for years afterwards.

Tons of other problems cropped up, etc, etc, etc. I exacted my own brand of revenge, seeing as I am a wild child. But we are still hanging in there, in spite of my evil ways.

But your wife sounds like she is a snake in the grass, just waiting to bite you. She does not sound like she is sorry at all. She is just sorry she got caught.


----------



## theDrifter (Mar 20, 2017)

You say you regret not at least trying to reconcile with your first wife before you divorced her. That makes you a very rare man indeed - I've never read or heard such a thing before today. However, that means you haven't experienced the pain associated with trying to reconcile. The trickle-truth, the triggers, the mind-movies....it's a long difficult road. 

It sounds like you are going to have to give R a chance and, along with a little luck, the advice I give you is to remember that your wife has lied, is still lying, and will continue to lie about just about everything. Also, you have to guard against minimizing all of this saying things like "they didn't have much sex" because in a couple weeks when you are out of shock this ain't gonna matter one bit. She ****ed another man - does it really matter how many times?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just because you found out doesn't mean it ends. If you're smart you'll inform the other mans spouse without any warning to anyone. If you want a chance at R.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, that's true. Make sure people know what happened, what she did to you.

Secrecy will allow really bad to happen. Public disclosure is important, no matter whether you Reconcile or not. She can bare the shame. She had better be able to, and should do it. If she is actually sorry, anyway. If she just wants you to keep it quiet, then you know she is not sorry at all.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

have her start protecting you and stop protecting the OM.

She calls his wife on speaker phone with you there.

She tells her all about it.

Do you really think they have stopped communication with each other?

I own a bridge i would like to sell you.

She had feelings for him.

Did your first wife ever have remorse?

I hope your second one will.

Have her pay for the Polly on the timeline that she writes.

And pay for the expensive council at affair recovery.com


She did things with him that she will never do with you.

She is only sorry that she got caught. She did this for a long time.

Get D papers and leave them out where she can see them.

Did she know that your first wife also cheated?

she knew what would happen.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Whatever you do, make sure she understands that this was 100% her fault, and 100% unacceptable. Do not accept any partial blame, do not show any weakness in front of her. Do not beg her to do anything. Make it clear that you have demands and anything short of meeting those demands will be grounds for instant divorce. Do not have sex with her because she will regard it as an act of early forgiveness and lose respect for you as it was so easy to pacify you. Tell her that you're not certain you want to reconcile with her or that you'll ever be attracted to her again after what she's done. 

And yes, if you have kids together, even if they look exactly like you, get a DNA sample while she watches. This serves to drive home the seriousness of her offense and help her understand just how hard she'll have to work to regain your trust. 

Cancel the marriage counseling appointment and express to her that you're not convinced it's not a waste of time. Send her to individual counseling so that she can find out what is wrong with HER, not the marriage. FYI, a marriage counselor might spend the entire session focusing on you and what you did wrong to make your wife cheat. It's ridiculous, but it's happened. 

Put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in her car or wherever she uses her phone, to check if she is still calling him. If the other man is married or has a girlfriend, inform her asap with no warning to your wife.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do yourself a huge favor and get the divorce rolling first thing Monday morning.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Billybob3545 said:


> It ended when I confronted her about the emails I found. I have no way of knowing what would have happened if I hadn't found them but I can only assume. She claims she has no idea how this happened and says over and over that it is not my fault (Granted). She does not work with him and he lives pretty far away. The went to grade school together many years ago and just recently reconnected (Thanks Facebook).
> Am I wrong to wish I never found out about it? I would do anything to be blissfully ignorant.
> Up until I found out I was the happiest guy on earth.


1. If she can't tell you why it happened, there's no way for her to confidently state that it won't happen again.

2. Back up EVERYTHING.

Ev.

Er.

Ee.

Thing.

3. If he's married, expose the affair to his wife.

4. See above post.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Billybob3545 said:


> I don't feel that you are bitter and I don't feel you have been undermined, I'm just trying to hold out hope that I / We can come back from this. This is my second marriage and the first one ended after my first wife had an affair. I approached that one very simply, "Get your crap and get out." It made my kids miserable and I have regretted not making any sort of effort at reconciliation.
> So, I have every reason to be really mad a judgmental about this since it is the second time with two wives in a row, but I am reminded of the old saying, "If you are looking for the fool in the room and you don't see them......."
> I want to be fair and give Us a chance.


It’s completely possible to recover a marriage after an affair. 

You will get a lot of people here who simply tell you to divorce here because apparently, this site has attracted a lot of people who do not believe that anyone should try to recover after an affair. Take the input that will help you here and leave the rest. 

My take on it is that it’s not any one’s place to tell you what you need to do. Instead we are here to support you in whatever you decide to here.

About 75% or most of couples that experience infidelity recover their marriage. With a bit of help, you make sure that it’s a good, strong recovery. 

Also, statistically, a lot of people who cheat do it only once in a lifetime. Yes there are serial cheaters, but they are a small percentage of those who cheat.

Here are some books that I think could help you and your wife. 

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful *by Linda J. MacDonald 

*After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful* by Janis A. Spring (Author) 


After those there are two very good books that can help the two of your restructure your marriage to make is as affair proof as possible. “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. (See the links in my signature block below.) The idea is that you both would read the books and do the work they say to do together.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Billybob3545

Here is a thread that you might find interesting. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/1383-when-enough-enough.html

It's by a guy who is a moderator here who is now 10 years post the affair. He just gave an update ... well you can read it. Very encouraging.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Please someone tell me a success story so I can have some hope.


Billybob3545 Asking for input

I have over 20 years of R and we have a good relationship most of the time. I consider my situation a success to some degree. Now that I have given you the success part I will give you some other facts.

My wife confessed, I divorced her, and got the divorce heavily in my favor. She came crawling back and I allowed her to stay in the house with our three children that I had custody of. After 4 + years she convinced me with ACTIONS that she was not going to repeat and had no interest in the OM so I remarried her and we have a good life most of the time.

I never could get back the admiration that I had for her before the A and I no longer believe that she will always put me first but I do not believe that she will cheat on me again because the price she paid is too high for her to endure again and she is not very marketable. She has damaged herself and I cannot get her self-esteem to a level that mine is even though I have tried for years. I am not trying to tell you that I am a great man but I can see that she just cannot be as satisfied with herself as I can with myself.

The bottom line for me is that with this R we have lost something permanently but we have gained in some other areas. The summary would be, you lose some you win some. I will tell you that some of the wins are that we have very good relationships with our children and grandchildren, we have the finances to support our lifestyle, and we support each other in a crises most of the time. I will always have a soft part in my heart for her but there are some chips missing in that heart.

Use your motivation and this time to improve yourself. I am not saying that you caused the betrayal at all but you are wounded and you need to take care of yourself first because as you cannot depend on your wife to protect your emotions and well-being. She may want to and try but she is a damaged woman at this time and is limited in how much she can do for you. You may want and need a 80-90% healing but that is not going to happen for years. Initially she can prove to you with words and ACTIONS how remorseful she is and how the OM is completely out of her mind and emotions and that will help you at this time. Help her if you can but do not sacrifice your time building yourself back up. 

When you get built up you will be a better man and father. If your relationship with your wife is going to be in R you will be better equipped to make the R a success. If you do not R you will be better equipped after you build yourself up to live without her. Get all the help that you can and drive yourself, force yourself, to get better because in the end it is going to be mostly you that take the actions to get better.

That is the summary of my situation and yours may have a few different facts than mine.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Billybob3545 said:


> She does not work with him and he lives pretty far away. The went to grade school together many years ago and j*ust recently reconnected (Thanks Facebook). *





StillSearching said:


> Devils workshop.





Steve1000 said:


> That's an interesting debate. At one time cars and phones were blamed for making cheating easier.




Yeah, but cars and landline phones couldn't exhume the past the way that social media does.

Your grade school puppy love disappeared into the rear view mirror of life; and that was that.

Facebook can be an evil social media Tardis that people use to take them back [vicariously] to a time in their life when things were less complicated. They were young and their whole life was ahead of them.

I think people used to be more accepting of the fact that their past was over and youth was gone. You make the best of the life that you have left. Enjoy what you can, here and now. 

When my mom caught my stepfather cheating [early 80's, therefore landline phone], the woman in his hotel room answered the phone. So, yeah, technology can reveal cheating just as easily as it can facilitate it.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Billybob3545 said:


> Am I wrong to wish I never found out about it? I would do anything to be blissfully ignorant.
> Up until I found out I was the happiest guy on earth.


You've been given the gift of sight. You just don't appreciate it for what it *is* just yet.

I guess there are people who find 'bliss' in being disrespected, degraded, lied to, emotionally manipulated, having their sexual health compromised, and taken for a fool. That's what your wife was doing to you every SINGLE day for just over a year. Actually, she would have happily _continued_ doing this to you for God knows HOW long had you not caught them.

I always find it extremely ironic when a cheater is enjoying their affair and doing NOTHING to nurture their marriage, then they get caught and suddenly, they're ALL about "working on the marriage." How much was she 'working on the marriage' the day BEFORE she got caught? The week before she got caught? Yeah, I thought so.

It's not Facebook who caused this mess. It was your wife and the crappy choices she made - and continued to make on a daily basis - for over a year.

Lastly, don't be too sure these two have cut contact. Just because you have access to her phone and her KNOWN email accounts doesn't mean she's cut contact with Romeo. The chances are very high that she hasn't. She's just found a different way to stay in touch with him that you DON'T know about. A secret new mail takes what - about 5 minutes to create? Downloading a chatting/texting app that DOESN'T leave a trace on your phone or on your cell phone bill takes what - 5 minutes as well?

Just the fact that you almost wish you never found out sounds like you're going to be more than willing to rugsweep this ****storm because you want so badly to get back to normal.

That will blow up in your face if you do that.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Friend. 

So you are trying to save your Marriage because of your Kids ? You said in one of your posts you wish you tried the same thing in your first Marriage because your Kids were miserable.

If you think everything is going to be alright with you staying in bad Marriage because of your Kids you are so wrong my Friend. 

Your Wife had an Affair for a whole YEAR. That is long,to long to be honest. What is even worse she had an Affair with her old schoolmate or old Boyfriend,right ??? 

She had feeling for this Man before she met you and she had them during Affair. She still "dreams" about him. He was her perfect Man who unfortunately had to leave her or move away so they could never make it. 

Also you said they had "some sex". It is a BIG LIE from your Wife. You dont Cheat for a whole Year with no sex or little of it. 

You are a Man so would you stay with a woman who gives you sex once in a while ??? You are not Married to her. 

There is more to her story. 

Stay strong.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Billybob3545 said:


> I recently found out my wife of 13 years has been having an affair. The gist is that it was mainly emotional, though there was some sex. I found out accidently when I picked up her phone to verify a calendar invitation and found several emails.
> She has agreed to not see him anymore, marriage counseling (in fact we were in the Counselor's office within a week). She swears it is over, and that she never had any intention of leaving me for him. She has given me carte blanch with her email, social media and cell phone.
> It is still raw and I feel betrayed, but I want to have hope. She swears she loves me and wants to make this work.
> Am I being a fool? How long will this hurt? Will I ever stop having images in my mind of her with him?
> Please someone tell me a success story so I can have some hope.


*The sad reality of the situation is now that she has been found out, no matter how remorseful she might be over her actions, and what recompense she might come to show, for the duration of your earthly relationship with her, you will now have a new set of eyes set squarely in the back of your head!

Sad to say that as a betrayed, there's little to no real way to navigate around it! *


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You only have to do what your heart and self-respect lead you to do.
> 
> Understand something Billy...and I want you to understand a truth that is more important than anything else: nothing, and I mean nothing, is more valuable than your self respect. Your marriage, your job, your religion, your reputation in the community, your wife's respect....none of those things are more important or as valuable as how you value yourself. If you do not value yourself your life isn't worth a penny. You could be the most handsome, richest, most charming male on this planet...but without your self respect you are nothing.
> 
> ...


Bandit 17,000 plus posts and most of them extraodinary.

But this one......Maybe the best yet

OP this is QFT

Please remember this always whether you decide to R or D make your decision based on this one true thing

55


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You only have to do what your heart and self-respect lead you to do.
> 
> Understand something Billy...and I want you to understand a truth that is more important than anything else: nothing, and I mean nothing, is more valuable than your self respect. Your marriage, your job, your religion, your reputation in the community, your wife's respect....none of those things are more important or as valuable as how you value yourself. If you do not value yourself your life isn't worth a penny. You could be the most handsome, richest, most charming male on this planet...but without your self respect you are nothing.
> 
> ...


*Oh, hell yes, Bandito!*


----------

