# What keeps me in this relationship, a rant.



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I know yall most likely get tired of hearing form me, but I need to talk to someone. I need to be heard and understood. I feel so lost and scared, and spineless, and helpless. 

I cannot decide what to do. It drives me crazy. I set and wonder am I doing the right thing. When it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is really bad. 

Right now things are good. My H is being fairly understanding. Things are calm in his life. We found a pastor at our church, the one of the committees which my H is head of fulfilled all its obligations and won’t pose a problem for another year. So he is calmer because he doesn't have so much on his plate. That makes him less spastic mentally. And if he is well mentally then I am too. It is when he is not so well and things are not calm that I wonder if what I am doing is misguided. 

For right now I see him at church, he is so happy and things are going his way. I am proud of him for being the Christian that he is. He is setting stuff right at work. He feels good about that. 

What am I doing? I am planning on crushing his world. We got a new pastor, what is he gonna think of us, what is he gonna think of this Great Deacon? (Oh my God, it just dawned on me, it is not up to me , My H portrayed that we have the perfect life, and we don’t, it is gonna look bad on him because he willingly misled others to believe this to be true) Ahhhhhhhh. That is even worse. Now I feel guilty because of me people are gonna find out he lied, and I was his accomplice. He is going to have to give up being deacon, he is gonna have to explain to his family what is going on, his business partner, our church family, I am going to have to explain to my family. All of this because I can’t deal with his crap when it is bad. Does that make me bad? Does that make me wrong, I sure feel wrong? I feel guilty as hell. He has no idea. He has to know things are not great. He has to know from the disconnect between us that things are not good. He has to be able to see that. 

Still I look around me and I see things going good, I see a great Christian man, a successful business owner. I get to stay at home, he goes to work. I have all my needs met. The electricity is on, we are well fed, and he pays for the internet and phone. If I have a need come up he makes the financial provisions to meet that need. He keeps me in a nice house and a nice new car. It cost me nothing. (well not nothing, but nothing financially) I am thinking about walking away from that. Am I crazy, who walks away from that? 

Hummmm, it does cost me though. I belong to him. He has full ownership over me. He has full control and power. I do what he says and ask no questions. He gets the right to have the ultimate say. When things are not going his way, he belittles, he gripes, nothing is ever good enough. He is rude, he is cold and calculated. He gives the impression that his aim is to harm mentally. I can’t take it. I can’t take the rude statements, the cold and calculated words. How can I love a man who can say such horrible things? How can I live in a relationship knowing that my happiness is pending? It hinges on his happiness. If he has a bad day he will make sure we all have a bad day to. 

My children, our children, they fear him and they hate being belittled by him. It is not fair to them to have him always putting them down, and requesting things that they cannot deliver. His expectations are unrealistic. Yet I still feel guilty for leaving. Sometimes the kids like him. But when he is hard to get along with it is not good for them. He can treat me poorly and I am an adult, but the kids, they shouldn't have to deal with that. When he is in a foul mood one kid hides, the other kid stays out of his way. The little one is too small to know the difference, but I think she feels like she is in the way. What kind of mother am I? I have failed my kids. I let this man treat them poorly, but on the other hand, they are kids and they can be brats. One kid does have a lazy streak, and one is spoiled, as he would say. So I’m not saying he is completely wrong, but god he can be so over the top. 

I can’t believe I still can’t see what I need to do and have a peace with it. We need to separate or divorce. This is more then I can take sometimes. I want it to be over I want my life back. I don’t want to be owned. I want to be shared. I want to Share me with him, not give myself to him completely to do with as he pleases. I don’t understand what is so difficult. I don’t get why I feel so guilty, why I am struggling with this. It is a no brainer, yet here I am torn afraid to walk away. I try to rationalize. I try to weigh the pros and cons. I see the cons and they are huge. They impact me and my children. So why can’t I do this. Why can’t I take a step out on faith that this will work if I leave. Why am I paralyzed with fear to make a change? I just don’t understand. 


I do have a T. We are working on talking to lawyers and seeing what they have to say .Things are alright for the moment, but I know from experience that it will not last. The question is will it be today or tomorrow or a month now or 3 months from now that the sh*t hits the fan and I can't take it anymore. Then I will be ready, hopefully. But until then I am left to second guess my self. This sucks. 

If you have any questions or advice that would help make my decision any easier please let me know or ask away. You only get to do this once, and I don't want to screw it up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You know this lull will not last. It never does. Focus first on how your kids are made to feel in their own home. Usually us moms can motivate for our kids when we cannot do so for ourselves. And you need to drop the guilt about crushing his world, because he doesnt give a damn when he is crushing YOU. His world is not going to crumble the way that you are imagining it will. And even if it does, so what? This needs to be about YOU, and about your kids. He is a grown man and will take care of himself. Is it hard to realize it when you are done and want to end it? Is it hard to actually make it happen? Damn right it is. Is it worth it? Damn right it is.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

3X - Thank you so much. I have a lot to think about. I have no sense of self worth, and I don't feel like I can handle anything. Weather my H ment to or not having me stuck in that mental state has been a huge benefit to him.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I may have to go and read some of your past threads to find out more about your story, but from what I read here I can relate to in a lot of ways. One big difference though is that I am not afraid to "crush his world." I know he will be fine without me, or at least I do not fear that he won't. But everything else, at least at the surface here, seems relatable. The part you wrote about seeing a man who works, pays the bills, provides food, groceries, a roof over your head and knowing not all can be so lucky whether financially or just with a man who chooses to make those necessities something never to worry about, I can completely feel you there. I too look at those things and know I should be grateful. He still takes care of me financially. But are those really "the basics"? Sure, they definitely are apart of it. But I feel the basics also should include love and support. A man who provides but does nothing else, or even goes in the other direction and causes harm and disconnect, is nothing more than a bank. Be grateful that he is man enough to provide those things, but know that it is not enough overall. There are other "requirements," so to say. It's a struggle, I hear ya.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Adeline-Thank you so much. Just hearing from some one who knows what I am going threw helps a lot, though I am sorry you have a good understanding of this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your hb wouldn't hesitate to crush your world if it suited him. Keep that in mind.....and consider what payoff you're getting from this. You are getting one, even if it's the devil you know syndrome. All the compassion and guilt you display will not be returned to you, and you've already taught him how to treat you. Remaining there re-enforces how to treat you.

I know it's harsh but you've seriously got to stop making excuses. You're either in, and if so your accept what you get, or you're out. There are no other options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Your right. Life is to short, I don't like it, the truth hurts but it is truth. ( like your name by the way lifeistooshort)


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Just an update: I had T today and gave her a copy of the thread I made here. She had a lot of valuable insight. Her answer was.... That I know right from wrong. I know this marriage is not right. I know I can undo a lot of the damage done to the children. (alot, not all) because I have so far. How my H treats me is not right. Where I struggle is that we all do wrong and no one is perfect. So the question doesn't need to be... Is this right or wrong, the question needs to be, do I want to live like this forever, and do I want to continue to do damage control when it comes to the kids. It is not a right or wrong it's what am I willing to live with. 

That made me feel so much better. The answer is so much more clear now. In the coming weeks while I wait patiently for the right opportunity. I will be setting the ground work for what is to come. I will not allow him to think things are great. I need to express my displeasure even if it is in the minor and small scale way that I do (in the face of fear) He will be pissed in the end, but what I can change is just how pissed. Is it going to be a LIVID pissed off because he never saw coming, or will it be a mad pissed because I am doing this and he knew I was minorly unhappy, or will it be a pissed because he didn't change or couldn't change. That makes it pissed at him self eventually (in hind sight) That is what the ultimate goal is.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Big Mama, 

I'm going to have to read more too on your story, but can relate in many ways. But if Im way off base, sorry...

How long have you been married? Sounds like it's a long term marriage? I've been reading a lot on LTM as they are unique within themselves, as stats points out most women are unhappy but stay, sorta like loyalty to a company, waiting for the gold watch to be given.

In my situation, my h wants to give and be there for me. He's not cold and distance. He's just done other things.

The resentment isnt so much of him, but more towards myself. Maybe it's something that you are questing too. Your h rude behavior is "mirroring back" into your view what "you" have done ((allowed)) to happen to yourself. Not what he has done to you. As the years have gone on, now you ((we)) feel trapped, because we have it all.. it's not all that bad, but it's not all that good either, as we have compromised our own sense of self so much along the way.

I have been "uncoupling' from a 30 year marriage. My whole identity was tied to him, I waited at home everyday for him to return. My daily life was tied to what ever his life was. I never worked, so I followed him around like a puppy, live my whole existence for everyone else expect myself. If they were happy, if their problems and moods ok , then mine where ok. He made all of the decisions too... he thought he didnt, but he really did, as he had the final say on everything I wanted or needed...he gave me everything, but years later it came at such a price... 


So maybe this is what your really looking at, what you've done really to yourself and where your decisions have led you... not how your h treats you... 

imho 

~sammy


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Oh Sammy, you are so right. What I have I let myself become. I have let myself become his personal slave and his secretary, his cook, his sex toy. I didn't put a stop to this behavior and now I hate me for it. I also hate him for doing this to me. 

I told my T I took everything I ever was and gave up the things that made me who I was, the things I loved, and the things I enjoyed. I gave that up for him because he didn't like ME. I tried to become the person he wanted me to be. And like the things he wanted me to, and do the things he enjoyed. When that was not good enough he discarded me. Now I am left with this shell of a person. I threw away me to become what he wanted and when what he wanted was not good enough it got thrown to the way side to. Now I am something no one wants. I am just a shell of a person with no identity, no since of self, I'm just who ever you want me to be , and I do what ever is asked of me. I'm not a person, I'm just IDK what. 

The T says she understands and that is part of why I need to get away from my H. I need to find ME. If I can't make me happy then how can I ever make him happy. I need to find ME and cling to it and never let it go.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> Oh Sammy, you are so right. What I have I let myself become. I have let myself become his personal slave and his secretary, his cook, his sex toy. I didn't put a stop to this behavior and now I hate me for it. I also hate him for doing this to me.
> 
> I told my T I took everything I ever was and gave up the things that made me who I was, the things I loved, and the things I enjoyed. I gave that up for him because he didn't like ME. I tried to become the person he wanted me to be. And like the things he wanted me to, and do the things he enjoyed. When that was not good enough he discarded me. Now I am left with this shell of a person. I threw away me to become what he wanted and when what he wanted was not good enough it got thrown to the way side to. Now I am something no one wants. I am just a shell of a person with no identity, no since of self, I'm just who ever you want me to be , and I do what ever is asked of me. I'm not a person, I'm just IDK what.
> 
> The T says she understands and that is part of why I need to get away from my H. I need to find ME. If I can't make me happy then how can I ever make him happy. I need to find ME and cling to it and never let it go.


I have BEEN THERE. I was that shell of a woman too. My ex criticized and belittled me to the point where there was nothing left inside of me. I dreaded going home. I didnt throw myself away to be what he wanted...he eroded me over time. He had put me up on this pedestal, for reasons unknown to me. But, once he figured out that I was just a human being like everyone else, he knocked that pedestal out from under me and I hit the ground hard. To this day I really have no idea what happened with him, I really dont. But I got out of it, and never had a single second of regret for doing so.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I don't plan on being lost forever. I plan on finding ME one way or the other. With or with out him.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

My wife is an aspie. We have been married for 21 years.

Like your husband, my wife has many, many great qualities. Nevertheless, there are many challenges to overcome when you are married to someone on the spectrum. I've found this to be true...

1) Emotional energy flows one way. If I am not careful, I end up feeling like a dry well. My wife is not capable of giving as much as she takes emotionally. I have found other sources of emotional fulfillment.

2) You have to make yourself a priority. Your ASD spouse isn't wired to be other-focused. Ask for help. Demand your own free time and hobbies. Have as many friendships as you can tolerate.

3) You have to speak up and be blunt. My aspie cannot read non-verbal communication in others. She describes this like watching a foreign film without subtitles. She can see people moving but has no idea what it all means. Beating around the bush verbally only confuses her. Say what you mean (exactly) and mean what you say.

4) Occupational therapy is awesome! An Occupational Therapist can help your husband to learn the social skills he needs to succeed in marriage. It is likely that your husband operates from a script that he learned as a child (did you say his father was abusive?). An OT can help him learn a new script.

5) Have you heard the phrase, "A tired dog is a happy dog"? My wife uses that phrase to describe how she feels after strenuous exercise or heavy lifting. She experiences a noticeable difference in her calmness and coping abilities. Now, when she is feeling stressed, she seeks out this kind of activity as self care. Does your husband exercise much when he is stressed?

6) She is blunt to the point of being rude. She sees this as unfiltered honesty. I need to have a thick skin and a sense of humor. Not always easy to do.


I suggest you start working on you. Build up your emotional strength. It is better to have it and not need it that to need it and not have it. Focus on you whether you remain married or not.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Big Tree - thank you so much. So very much of what you say is completely true of my husband. 

I really don;t think he means to be so hard to live with he just is. My emotional well has run dry, way dry. I can't muster up enough from with in to help myself. But with the help of my T and folks here encouragement is adding to the well likely tiny drops. One day I will have enough small drops of inner stregnth to help the well over flow from with in.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I have no sense of self worth,


Reading your post is like reading my ex's diary 4 years ago. VERY, VERY similar situations. 1st thing: This statement above is YOUR responsibility. You will never be in a functional, positive, balanced relationship as long as you are in this state. And guess what? Changing your circumstances (divorce or not) will not change your sense of self worth. That is an internal thing. I was pretty similar to your husband, and when my wife brought these things up, I broke. I blamed myself. 1 year of faith based individual therapy later.....I realized that my part of things were only 50% of the problem. You also hold 50% of the problem. YOU CAN NOT LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF! Your responsibility in this marriage is to make sure you are healthy. Fix that, then make decisions.

I fixed me, and allowed myself to have a heart change. It was hard work. It forced me to be responsible for my feelings. She didn't fix herself. Now she is divorced AGAIN because she made bad decisions. Why did she make those? Because of her self worth. AND, this is all while sitting in the church, reading her bible every night....etc. There are some situations where divorce is the right answer. You won't know whether that is true or not until you are healthy.

And be careful in getting advice........Some things aren't always as they appear.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Big Tree said:


> 4) Occupational therapy is awesome! An Occupational Therapist can help your husband to learn the social skills he needs to succeed in marriage. It is likely that your husband operates from a script that he learned as a child (did you say his father was abusive?). An OT can help him learn a new script.


Hummmm, occupational therapy. Please tell me more. How did that help. Just a few examples of what you learned or how that helped. I believer you and at this point I will try most anything. Or at least suggest most anything that sounds helpful to help this situation out. (and yes his father was abusive)


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Here are two link quick links...

(First link is generalized info on OT. Second link is a great site. I linked the articles on adults...about 12 articles down for OT).

My Aspergers Child: Occupational Therapy: Advice for Adults with Aspergers

AANE - Articles - Adults

I did a quick internet search using the words "occupational therapy adult aspergers Virginia" and came up with many local providers. Hope this helps. --BT


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Big MaMa
The poster that posted the words below has hit the nail right on the head. I know there are other issues but I would encourage you to put this as one of your very top priorities. Most of your healing will come from YOU and GOD. *Most of your self worth and strength comes from YOU and GOD not your husband*!





> YOU CAN NOT LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF! Your responsibility in this marriage is to make sure you are healthy. Fix that, then make decisions.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Big Tree - thank you so much. Divorce is not the answer I am looking for, a happy healthy life is what I am looking for. Even if thta means with out my husband. 

I looked at that first site you recommended. I think I can find some useful stuff there. I go to T tomorrow and I will show her what I found. And how she can suggest. I checked out the 2nd site you recommended, I will have to take a look at that one to when my brain is not so overwhelmed. It looked like it had alot of interesting articles. I can't wait to read some of them. 

Thank you for talking the time to help me.


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