# How many of you have spouses that came back after leaving for the AP



## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

The thread title says it all. How many of your spouses came back to reconcile after leaving to be with the AP? How long did it take the affair fog to lift?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Since my tenure here? Scant few if any.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Is that because they didn't regret and try or because the BS got over them before they tried and didn't want to try for R?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Why would you want them back?

Even if the fog lifts, the marriage will not work without a remorseful spouse. They will still want their "happiness" and they do not care about my pain, and their "happiness" is an illusion.

They did not find their "happiness" with the AP and never will.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> Is that because they didn't regret and try *or because the BS got over them before they tried and didn't want to try for R*?


The second part. Most of the posters who come here are given good advice... about detachment, standing up for themselves, doing the 180, going dark, etc....

By the time the WS comes around, or flat out gets thrown under the bus by the AP, the BS has usually detached, moved on and often times already met a new BF/GF and is content with moving on with their lives.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> The second part. Most of the posters who come here are given good advice... about detachment, standing up for themselves, doing the 180, going dark, etc....
> 
> By the time the WS comes around, or flat out gets thrown under the bus by the AP, the BS has usually detached, moved on and often times already met a new BF/GF and is content with moving on with their lives.


That's what I wanted to hear. Thank you.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i think once the WS has left the home they don't want to go back. gone baby gone.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> Is that because they didn't regret and try or because the BS got over them before they tried and didn't want to try for R?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mine. 
3 times over 3 years.
He's never lived with her. It's gone a step further this time though.
We tried to R but failed as she is a co worker and he never detached from her.
We never stood a chance


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I've been working with couples experiencing infidelity since 1999, really got serious in 2007 creating my site and all. Of the literally thousands of couples I've known, here's my educated guess (based on anecdotal data not via a survey or anything):

The vast majority of WS do not return because they are too proud to admit they were wrong. I'd estimate this to be about 80% +/-

Of those 20% who do admit they were wrong, I'd say it's maybe 70% that only admit they were wrong because their life crashed and AP threw them under the bus (so to speak). They thought AP would also leave their spouse, they didn't, the affair ended, and suddenly the WS remembers what they had and misses it. There's not remorse for actually harming another--they just miss the cush they threw away. 

The remainder are WS who admit to themselves they did something wrong AND recognize they harmed their spouse and want to stop doing it. In other words, they are the WS who have remorse over the way they acted and want to change and see what they've done. 

So to recap: 

80 of 100 WSs are too proud to even admit they were wrong, no matter how their life falls into the gutter. 
14 of 100 WSs admit they were wrong after their life falls to sh1t and they miss what they had. No real remorse but they will possibly try to come back via manipulation.
6 of 100 WSs admit they were wrong and can see the damage they've done and are sorry for it. Real remorse and they will probably try to come back.

OF THE 14 OUT OF 100.... some will try to push the old buttons that used to get a reaction out of their spouse and try to come back home and sometimes the BS lets them come back and rugsweeps. This couple did not divorce but they didn't heal either. They are back stuck in their old co-dependent habits and it's about 100% an affair will happen again. 

OF THE 6 OUT OF 100...I'd say about 2 try to come back and the BS says "No I will not take back a cheater! We are DONE!" (as is their right), and another 2 try to come back and actually try at it and just can not make it work because one has grown and matured, and the other really did not, and the final 2 try to work it out and make it.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Cheaters by their very nature and personality disorder can not be reasoned with. My guess would be there's a 90%+ (IMO, no research) chance that a marriage is doomed and/or ended after an affair. You can't fix or rehabilitate these people. They live by a different set of rules. And those rules are ALWAYS in their favor.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pride...

It's an ugly thing.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I believe false pride would be more accurate, if they had any the mess wouldnt have started to begin with..


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I hate to say it but me.

She had an EA for about a month or so, moved out to stay with her mother. 2 months later she was on a lease with the OM and moved in for about 6-8 weeks I think. Left the OM and moved back home for our first false R (Yay!).

R'd for about 6 months then out of the blue the OM calls and she's gone again. This time just stayed at her mom's for about 2 months.

R'd again for 6 weeks then off to the races, runs off with the OM again and files for a D. Moves back in with him after about a month or so at her mom's for about 3-4 months if I remember correctly. 

Leaves him for good when she finally realizes what a POS he is and we've been in R for 3-4 years now.

If I had to do it again I would have filed on D-Day.

We actually have a good relationship now, better than before the A but it cost me my dignity and that bothers me. I just REFUSED to give up even though it would have been in my best interest. I had to "win" at all cost.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm just hoping probably without hope that my husband will come home.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

More to the point as a thread title would be: "How many of you allowed your spouse to come back after leaving for the AP?"

Pam, please take charge of yourself and your situation. Don't sit around waiting/hoping that he will see the light. Move on and let him see you are doing so. Then it's his move. You set the terms.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Easy now....lets just keep that between you and TAM!

The last thing you want is your old man thinking your waiting for him with some kind of hope.

Its all good here at TAM but in real time your old man gets to come home when he stops screwing around...and even then it will be a little to late.

Especially when you find a new guy that starts to dig you. So please start showing the a guys around town a Pamvhv that wants to live and have a life that doesn't revolve around some phucker that stabed you in the back.

Girl its time to hope you can find and new man instead of thinking about any kind of hope that the POS will come home.

I know you still love him but if and when he comes home and he see the same old Pamvhv...he will phuck you over again with some other chick and maybe years from now but at the end of the day if your old man come back he has to come back to a women that won't take any crap.

With that kind aff additude if he wants bak well then he really wants back....make sense? See he my want back thing your still the same ol' girl he bailed on....a Plan B if you will.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sh1t I forgot the point of the thread.....

no my old lady never left me...that would closed the deal for good. Mrs the guy got her crap together right away. She jumped back into the marriage the day I confronted her.....someone was going to get hurt if it went any other way.

Granted I was expecting a false R....still waiting now and its been 4 yrs. ( thats the trust issue my old lady now has to deal with)

IDK I think were done phucking over each other, in fact I know this and its time to settle down and wait for grand babies.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Pamvhv said:


> I'm just hoping probably without hope that my husband will come home.


The same husband who has likely damaged your daughter by seeing your son and not her? Why would that be a good idea?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> I'm just hoping probably without hope that my husband will come home.


The man who looks like your husband may come home. But he won't be the man you married.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pamvhv said:


> I'm just hoping probably without hope that my husband will come home.


Hopefully, your luck has changed and he will never come back. You deserve better that the albatross of a cheater around your neck the rest of your life.....................or until he finds another affair partner.

Not to mention you will never be able to trust him again.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I hate to say it but me.
> 
> She had an EA for about a month or so, moved out to stay with her mother. 2 months later she was on a lease with the OM and moved in for about 6-8 weeks I think. Left the OM and moved back home for our first false R (Yay!).
> 
> ...



OMG, what was it that you really won?

-sammy


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The man who looks like your husband may come home. But he won't be the man you married.


:iagree:

Trust me, even if he disguises himself as that loving, wonderful husband you once had... IT'S NOT HIM!

They will go to great lengths to hide their affairs, to cover their tracks, and to protect the OW. When things get tough, they MAY or MAY NOT decide that the grass wasn't greener, which in turn means they MAY or MAY NOT try to come back.

The problem is, they got away with it. Even if the OW wasn't all that great, and they decided to come home.. That doesn't mean a victory for the BS. It simply means the WS got to have their cake and eat it, then toss it in the trash and dig it back out when they got hungry again.

The WS will then go to great lengths to convince you it meant nothing, they were mistaken, blah blah. Problem is, you will NEVER look at him the same.

My hope for you (and every other BS) is that you will be far past this way of thinking if/when he does try to come back. You and your children don't need this man he has shown himself to be...and the husband you knew, he is never coming back.

Don't sell yourself short. Don't wait around for that old husband to come back, and don't fall for it when the "new" husband shows up in a disguise. You are worth MORE than that, and so are your children!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Pamvhv said:


> I'm just hoping probably without hope that my husband will come home.


Be careful of what you wish for, for it may come true... 

-sammy


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> I'm just hoping probably without hope that my husband will come home.


Pam, did you even read what the posters said in response to your question? There were 3 people that posted that their spouse came home, prior to this post by you. TWO of the three said their SPOUSE CHEATED AND LEFT AGAIN. The third person WISHES HE WOULD HAVE ENDED IT THE FIRST TIME.

I know this is hard for you, but you will NEVER get your husband back... EVER. If he physically comes back... it will never be the same. EVER. While you think you can forgive his affair, chances are you can't. Right now, you want what is supposed to be yours but can't be. If he becomes yours again, can you truly say you can trust him? That your kids can trust him? That your daughter will ever care again (after all, she was the odd man out, wasn't she). Can you imagine what it would do to her to know her MOTHER accepted the man who was her only "father" back after he cast her and you aside for some random woman?

Its all good in theory. Its all rainbows and roses right now, where you see his current relationship ending and his coming back and realizing he made a huge mistake and all will live happily ever after. It doesn't work that way. You will never trust him again... or you will end up paying for doing so. Your daughter will never trust him again... and she will have doubts about you too. In fact, she will probably doubt herself in your eyes for the very fact that you allow this man who cast her aside back into your life. I know its hard to see all this when you are holding on to the view you HAD of your husband, who was such a great person and such a great father. But he isn't. He threw that all away. HE IS NO LONGER THAT PERSON. You might not see it now (tho, I bet you would if he came back) but your DAUGHTER can see it. She KNOWS that her "father" left her and never looked back... she KNOWS that he sees "his" son but won't spend any time with her.

How can you even consider giving that man the time of day? The man and father you knew might have been worth it, but this guy isn't. This is WHO HE IS. You might be able to explain it away to yourself but you will never be able to explain it to your daughter. That is not the example you want to set for your kids.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I hate to say it but me.
> 
> She had an EA for about a month or so, moved out to stay with her mother. 2 months later she was on a lease with the OM and moved in for about 6-8 weeks I think. Left the OM and moved back home for our first false R (Yay!).
> 
> ...


What's stopping you from divorcing her now. I'm pretty sure you don't like the person when you look at yourself in the mirror. Was all of this worth your dignity and self respect?


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Pam,

I had been following your thread while it was in this section and you truly have made so much progress from where you first were and that is truly wonderful. 

You have grown a lot stronger and are changing for the better.

You still love your husband and are hoping for the man you knew from before, however he's long gone.

*"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."* - Maya Angelou

This quote speaks so much truth, it's worth remembering. 

Your husband really showed you and your children who he truly is.

Do you really want to let someone who treated you so horribly, and without a shred of remorse, back into your home?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife did. She is an Asperger's, too.
But my wife was never, ever as horrible and as cold as your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Pam - If your WH has indeed refused to see your daughter for visitation, but is taking his 'blood' son, then he receives the lowest marks for humanity of any WS I have heard of on this forum. He is a complete and total POS.

As her mother, you should be directing all of your energy to detaching from him instead of hoping that he will see the light. You should be closing ranks around your daughter to do everything possible to try to fend off the lifelong scars that she is at this very moment developing. Your focus should be completely on your children.

If I were married to a man who acted like your WH, I would write him off in the time it took me to tell him to eat sh!t. Your daughter deserves so much better than she is getting. Put your eyes on the prize. It is definitely not him. He is a waste of space.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree with pride or false pride being the reason WS's don't come back but I would also add embarrassment.

Even though my SIL is stringing along my BIL, I don't think she will ever come back. She knows that we all know about her affair. The appearance of perfection (her perfection), is too important to her. 

The embarrassment is so strong with her that she didn't invite anyone to our nieces' First Communion a couple of weeks ago. Also, we offered to help them out with their child care issues and she won't take our help because then she would have to face me and my husband when dropping off or picking the kids.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Someone explain "false pride" to me. 

Pride is pride. Remorse is remorse.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

"False Pride" is when 'Mericans say "WE WON!" over in Iraq or Afghanistan and wave flags and thump chests. 

I'm not trying to politically debate, but how can we "win" if we didn't go in, achieve our "objective," get out, and have no casualties? To me, any time we lose one of our boys, it's a loss. 

To translate into Affair terms, I'd say "false pride" would be something like this: 

"Yes I devastated a wife who helped me build my company for 15 years and devastated my own children by abandoning them...BUT I got this 20yo on my arm and a red convertible Mercedes and tons of money! I'm a catch!" 

:rofl:

It's still pride though... so (shrug). Misplaced pride maybe?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

If/when they do come back, whether you kicked them out or they left you - you'll likely find that you won't want them as much as you thought that you did. 

When I found out he was cheating, there was no leaving for an AP. I kicked him out and he had to move back in with mommy and daddy. He remained kicked out for over eleven months. I was moving on without him however part of me still fantasized about him sucking up his pride and asking to come home/work things out.

Well, eventually he did. Was I happy? Part of me was. However, not nearly as much as I thought I'd be. This is a case where fantasy can definitely be better than reality. While I am still in love and attracted to him - it's not even close to the amount of love or attraction I had for him before... not even close.

So far, he's met my requests and expectations for reconciling but my level of "give a fvck" hasn't fully returned. I worry that it won't but at the same time feel safer this way. Which I think is sad because I wanted more out of love than this. Now he seems fully invested in me and our kids and wants all of my heart but look what he did when he had it... You don't miss your water until the well runs dry I suppose. 

Things are "good" but I know what we had before and it's not the same.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Over the past 4 weeks my Ex wife has attempted seriously to come back. To do a (very) quick summary of the events that led up to this Divorce.
I Discovered EA 3 years ago.
She decided to go with her AP and leave rather than end it.
I detached hard. I met a woman and we had an almost 3 year relationship.
Divorced Ex W at 15 months.
My ExW ended her relationship with her AP after two years.

I recently ended my relationship due to my inability to commit or see a future. Not her fault. She was wonderful and did not deserve someone "half in". 

Ok. So we are both single. She is remorseful and says all the right things. What she did not count on was that I am not willing to go into any relationship where sex is used as a weapon or a reward system. She is very angry that I will not accept her old rules. I keep explaining (gently) that I will not even consider a relationship with anyone where sex is a chore. I don't want that. I would rather chew my own arm off. 
Okay so not always so gently..

I suppose I am in the 4 out of a hundred where both people would try and make it work and are willing to make make changes but simply can not. 

It is me that is stopping it. She seriously hates that I can now say NO and mean it.

The old position of "wife" is no longer available 

I am not afraid to be alone. I enjoy my own bed in my own house with a cool loud stereo and have my own rules for the kids at my house.
I eat what I damn well please Just bought a 4x4 and work at a job I like. Not one that looks right. 
I think I am a grumpy old bachelor!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ing said:


> I think I am a grumpy old bachelor!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I wished so that my h had stayed w the ow, but he begged to return, that he never wanted to leave me or his life. 3 years later he is still wanting to return after living apart. 

I am serious considering "restarting" the marriage, but not because I have fallen in love like I did when we first met, but more like an arrange marriage of sort. Our marriage will never be what it was, and after being on my own for 3 years, life out there really isn't all that great at my age starting over again, so now he is learning, he made his bed, now he has to lie in it, and it's not all that he thought it would be either, returning, as he feels that I should really should be able to love him exactly the same as before, and continue to build our life as it was. He cant even fathom the idea that I wouldn't look at him as a cheater now, or that it may be his legacy that he leaves behind in our marriage. He has been on my case that cheating is part of the bad,of the marriage vows, well so is life after, and he is about to see what life will be like living with a wife that has been cheated on... he is about to live with the bad of the vows in this arrange marriage as I am going to now live as I should have in this marriage, my way, instead of living and doing everything for us, I am now going to do everything for me, grow for me, explore for me, enrich for me, develop for me, he changed the rules, now he has to learn to play by the new set as I had. 

I'm learning very fast, there is a lot of reasons why people stay married, and love is the least of the reasons. 

-sammy


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


>


:rofl: My favorite movie. Gran Torino
Get Off my lawn


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

ing said:


> Over the past 4 weeks my Ex wife has attempted seriously to come back.
> 
> It is me that is stopping it. She seriously hates that I can now say NO and mean it.
> 
> ...


Same as you - this is exactly where I am after she tried coming back before Christmas after a nearly two year separation

I did think about it and how we'd go back to the kind of life we had before that did have some great parts but the other parts were her handing out sh!t sandwiches to eat for me our children and the families of the other men who she destroyed.

This bit of her "I want to come back home" conversation is funny as it illustrated how long it took me to decide no way Jose 

WW "I want to come back home I realizes how much I love you and our life together"
Me "Mmm so how will this work then ? aren't you still with OM"?
WW "Well yes..... but I'll be getting rid of him tonight"
Me "Ooh okay alright then"......(er)

:rofl:

Took me all of the next speechless 30 seconds to just look at her with, well, 'pity' is probably the right word and realize how desperate I must have been in the past when we reconciled time and time again 

Again simply unbelievable when I think of that conversation now and she meant every word ! - In her head she was going to finish with OM that night and be home bright and sparky 10 o'clock the next morning !!

:smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ing said:


> Over the past 4 weeks my Ex wife has attempted seriously to come back. To do a (very) quick summary of the events that led up to this Divorce.
> I Discovered EA 3 years ago.
> She decided to go with her AP and leave rather than end it.
> I detached hard. I met a woman and we had an almost 3 year relationship.
> ...




This is how I wished my situation had gone! So much better when they don't want to come back. It makes you detach, to save your sanity.

The meeting of another for a bs, can helps restore the broken heart, help lick & heal the wounds, to say, help find the footing, & when the ww wakes up, the bs is less anxious, self imagine is much improved, much better at controlling one's life, as they haven't been badger with the difficult road of R with a ww, but have been detaching, experiencing life afterwards, finding their way. The bs has no choice but to move on, when a ww wont return. 

And then add on to it a ww that will do anything and everything and more, and it's still not enough, but you live with it.

It is never the same, even the women who wrote the book, "The best thing that ever happen to me was my husband affair" has been defined by her husband affair. She writes 2o year later all is well, she is not "defined by her husband's affair," but, think about it. Their whole freakin' life since, has been affair, as it is their now life work ??? OK ???? If that doesn't define you then I don't know what does? 


I've look at the long term marriage threads, I see not much in the way of long term marriages surviving affairs, and spouses moving back together, I've read so much online, in book stores, with IC , with MC, I've been at this for 3 years trying to find a way out of limbo past this, and not one source that I've mentioned talks of many successful returning after a period of separation... 

-sammy


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> I hate to say it but me.
> 
> She had an EA for about a month or so, moved out to stay with her mother. 2 months later she was on a lease with the OM and moved in for about 6-8 weeks I think. Left the OM and moved back home for our first false R (Yay!).
> 
> ...


Are you winning now? When would you consider yourself to have won? Is she worth the final total price that you would end up paying?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Same as you...
> 
> Again simply unbelievable when I think of that conversation now and she meant every word ! - In her head she was going to finish with OM that night and be home bright and sparky 10 o'clock the next morning !!
> 
> :smthumbup:


Did she follow through?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

A better question you ought to be asking Pam is how many cheating spouses are allowed to return to the marriage, only to cheat again with the SAME AP or a new affair partner?

You have this FANTASY (not unlike his AFFAIR) of him returning and all is bliss...

Get over it.

IF he returns and you let him back in the chance of him remaining faithful for THE REST OF HIS LIFE is ZERO.

I can pick a random guy off the street and you would have better odds of success at this point. He's too immature!!!

MANY spouses DO return, but ONLY to CHEAT AGAIN.

Ask members here how many of them chose to trust their cheating spouse again, reconciled, and got cheated on again. Many with the SAME person as BEFORE. Ouch!

Ask how many had to deal with that.

You have this fantasy in your head that as long as he returns, all will be well with the universe.

YOU cannot MAKE this guy grow up. And maturity is what he needs to make a R work.

NO ONE here has confidence that he will mature enough to do that.

Every post you report another demonstration of his immaturity at work. Not FOG.. immaturity.

He needs to pull off the triple miracle here ; 

a. end the affair and return to you
b. repair the marriage and family he's violated
c. commit to an honest, fulfilling, monogamous partnership for the rest of his life

He has to find the maturity to accomplish ALL of that, not just part A.

You seem to think A is all that has to happen and B - C are easy.

BALONEY.

A is the EASY part.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Anuvia said:


> What's stopping you from divorcing her now. I'm pretty sure you don't like the person when you look at yourself in the mirror. Was all of this worth your dignity and self respect?


It wouldn't be worth it now, enough time as gone by that the whole thing just don't bother me so much anymore. Hindsight I would do thing differently and who knows, if I become unhappy in the future I may walk but for now I'm better off sitting put.

I could walk at any time, having that power actually seems to keep the relationship stable so I don't have to use it. I have a pretty good life right now, I doubt it would be like this on my own but I would be willing to give it up if I had to. There just no real motivation right now.

My W didn't do it out of malice, she thought I didn't want to be with her so she had an exit affair and I wasn't the greatest guy in the world so I was able to forgive her eventually. Had she been screwing guy(s) behind my back while we were still living together I wouldn't have though, I would have D'd and moved on. The way she did things kinda blurred the boundaries a bit. 

Desperation makes you do stupid things but there won't be a next time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Headspin said:


> Same as you - this is exactly where I am after she tried coming back before Christmas after a nearly two year separation
> 
> I did think about it and how we'd go back to the kind of life we had before that did have some great parts but the other parts were her handing out sh!t sandwiches to eat for me our children and the families of the other men who she destroyed.
> 
> ...


LOL. I'd have been tempted to take her back if she'd have been willing to call OM right there on the spot and (on speakerphone) break it off w/ him. And not subtly either... I mean just irrevocably *NUKE* the relationship.

And then, just after she hung up, and leaned in for a kiss, recoil, laugh at her, and tell her that I'd changed my mind.

Or... maybe drag it out a bit... Maybe wait until she'd showed up the next morning, luggage in hand, to spring it on her.

Oh well, hindsight.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ArmyofJuan said:


> If I had to do it again I would have filed on D-Day.
> 
> We actually have a good relationship now, better than before the A but it cost me my dignity and that bothers me. I just REFUSED to give up even though it would have been in my best interest. I had to "win" at all cost.


I think this is pretty typical of a betrayed spouse. They see the affair partner as a competitor, and it's human nature to want to win a competition. So you work hard to be a better spouse and refuse to give up and ultimately, the only person who wins is the cheater, who has two people competing for them.

You can break out of this cycle by realizing that even if you do win in the end, the prize is a piece of crap.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ing said:


> I suppose I am in the 4 out of a hundred where both people would try and make it work and are willing to make make changes but simply can not.
> 
> It is me that is stopping it. She seriously hates that I can now say NO and mean it.


I'm going to call you out on this one mate.

Why you would even consider even the most remote possibility of maybe entertaining the decision to weigh the farfetched idea of getting back together with this vampire floors me.

Ing, this woman conspired with her affair partner to keep his poor betrayed wife in the dark about the affair, going so far as to gaslight her and make her think she was crazy and insane for even thinking her husband was cheating. They kept that poor woman in a psychological prison for months. 

Ing that is evil. Any way you slice it, your ex-wife is a profane, wicked and amoral human being, whos cheating exploits go faaaar beyond the norm of what we see here.

If I had an ex like that and she asked for R?......I'd snort a nosefull and spit it right in her eye.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

My wife came home about three years after she left with her AP. With that said, it's exactly a year later and I'm not convinced that this is a good thing at all. She returned home yes, and in many ways our relationship is good, but we haven't yet had sex, she's never said "I love you" without me saying it first, has never initiated so much as a hug. She keeps saying that she just "needs time" to get to that point. The thing is, she wasn't a sexual person before her affairs either, so "returning to normal" is unacceptable too. Oh well.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> My wife came home about three years after she left with her AP. With that said, it's exactly a year later and I'm not convinced that this is a good thing at all. She returned home yes, and in many ways our relationship is good, but we haven't yet had sex, she's never said "I love you" without me saying it first, has never initiated so much as a hug. She keeps saying that she just "needs time" to get to that point. The thing is, she wasn't a sexual person before her affairs either, so "returning to normal" is unacceptable too. Oh well.


Was she loving and sexual towards the OM? That us what you need to find out. If she was, then it's time to show her the door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Did she follow through?


The conversation went like this 

ME "There's no point because you're not capable of meeting what I need to be done if I were to even consider it "

WW "I know what you'll need - me to not see him, I know that is the way it has to be" I understand that "

ME "Okay which one of you will leave the job then"?

WW "You want me to jack my job in!?!" 

ME "Well how will you not see him then if you're working with him almost every day?"

WW "But that's my job!" 

ME "Okay then _he_ can leave?" 

WW "You expect him to leave? What about the project we are working on ?"

ME "Well no, tbf I'd expect you to leave"

WW "But I've / we've (he and her) put so much work into it" 

(!!!!!)

ME "Okay look let's just imagine you never ever brought up coming back home to me I think that would be a better idea" 

WW "But I know we deserve a chance to be back together"!
WW "I'll be finishing with him tonight" 

ME "mmm....er ....right"
_________________

Two days later I received this

"I did try to but was unable to end it. I went through a real roller coaster on Tuesday as I'm sure you did. I can't give up on something that is good and means a huge amount to me and enter a scary black hole. I know I'm a coward and this probably means that's it for you, I don't blame you for that .......I'm sorry. "

Two days later on my doorstep, she said "I know I'm a coward but I can't do what you need ... 
"I need somebody........" 

:scratchhead::smthumbup:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Headspin said:


> Two days later on my doorstep, she said "I know I'm a coward but I can't do what you need ...
> "I need somebody........"
> 
> :scratchhead::smthumbup:


:lol: Yeah...wonder who that will be, cuz IT'S NOT ME. 

BUH BYE!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> :lol: Yeah...wonder who that will be, cuz IT'S NOT ME.
> 
> BUH BYE!


precisely ...and there you have it!! :smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

cdbaker said:


> My wife came home about three years after she left with her AP. With that said, it's exactly a year later and I'm not convinced that this is a good thing at all. She returned home yes, and in many ways our relationship is good, but we haven't yet had sex, she's never said "I love you" without me saying it first, has never initiated so much as a hug. She keeps saying that she just "needs time" to get to that point. The thing is, she wasn't a sexual person before her affairs either, so "returning to normal" is unacceptable too. Oh well.


I dont want to hi-jack, but sure wish you'ld run an update on your progress, as you probably have a lot to share by now... 

-sammy


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> The thread title says it all. How many of your spouses came back to reconcile after leaving to be with the AP? How long did it take the affair fog to lift?


My wife ran off with a wealthy contractor and came back in a few weeks. Her fog never really lifted. She was into another betrayal within s few months


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