# Emotional affair-any advice?



## brokenJenn (Nov 12, 2009)

My husband has just had an emotional affair.

Tp give some background-we have been married for 6 years and dated for 3 years before that. We have two kids-one is 4 and the other 7 months. Throughout our marriage there have been indications of him having depression (him talking about the dark void he has inside of him). Also throughout our marriage he has been building up to this affair. Chat sites, signing up for (removed by admin- affair site url) (where he says he was set up to meet someone and couldn't go through with it), to finding a woman on Facebook who he used to have a crush on-they were both having problems in their marriages so obviously sleeping together was needed, and then now.

I went away for 5 weeks to visit my parents in July. When I came back home my husband was a shell. He was all smiles that I was home but wasn't "there" at all. I couldn't be around him when he was on his Blackberry (which was all the time) and I couldn't disturb him when he was on the computer (which was also all the time). This was all new for me. I knew he was cheating but couldn't figure out the details.....until I invaded his privacy and looked at his Blackberry. He was signing off on his chats and emails with I love You-and she was saying the same. B (for her) lives very far away, an old crush that my H had, and is married with a toddler. My H decided that it was necessary to tell her that he used to have a crush on her....and she responded that she had one on him too-13 years ago!

I actually started to converse with her-to get a bead on what was really happening. The only thing that I can figure is that my H took everything that she told him well beyond what she meant OR she was going down that affair path too and then realized what she was doing. After I found out she told her H-and he thought nothing of what was happening.

She finally broke off all contact with my H-after I told him I would leave if it continued, in Oct. He went right downhill. Is really depressed. I broke off contact with her beginning of Nov. My H doesn't know this.

My H constantly thinks about B. He still wants to talk to her-said he would bury his feelings as they are one sided. Right now we decided to put working on our marriage aside so he can get some therapy for his depression. He doesn't know what he wants or what is wrong with him. He wants to fix the "black void" in him.

As of now he is in the guest room and we don't really talk. The rotten part is I still love my husband and want to work on our marriage. But I have to admit that this is the last go. I am not sure when we can address our marriage.

Is it lame to still love your husband and want to be with him after he does all this? I am beginning to wonder....but I can't stop the feelings. I am hurt to the core though.....

How long will this process take?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It isn't lame, but unless he addresses the underlying causes, do you really want to wait for the next time?

He should see a doctor. Get a checkup. See a shrink. Adress the black void through medication (if indicated) and therapy. And then in time maybe you can consider trusting him again. But until then... you're in danger of it happening again.

And of course you are hurt to the core. His excuse may be this black void that he's trying to fill up, but he's taking you down into the pit with him. And that's just selfish behavior.


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## strawberry4 (Nov 11, 2009)

It isn't lame you have spent 9 years with this man and 2 kids. There is a love there that just doesn't disapper because he had an EA. With children I believe you should exhaust every measure before you give up. Im not saying to stay because of the kids, but to do everything to save the marriage for you and the kids. I sometimes wonder if a EA is worse that an PA, emotional the heart is involved and physical it's just the body. They are both very painful but emotional is VERY hard to work through, but you can do it. My husband went through a depression after he cut it off with the girl, he talked to her for a year before they confessed their love, so he not only missed someone he thought he loved, he is missing a friend....he got very sad at times, and it hurts terribly when you know the man you love misses another woman.
Hang in there, exhaust every measure!!
Good Luck


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## brokenJenn (Nov 12, 2009)

Thank you so much for all your responses....have been feeling really alone in this process.

It's his birthday weekend and he had bought a plane ticket for his "friend" to come and celebrate with him. He cancelled all celebration plans when I put my foot down and said she wasn't welcome here-and no I didn't know he bought the ticket for her until he cancelled it. So this I am not looking forward to the next couple of days. He is miserable....and it's sad to watch.


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## brokenJenn (Nov 12, 2009)

Another question...

has anyone managed to get over the trust issue that happens when an affair(s) happens??

I mean I can;t police him all the time and don't have the energy too....but at the same time I constantly think that he could contact her at any time and I would have no idea.....and man does that idea ever kill me.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

The trust issue takes a while. His life needs to be an open book for you, and if you want to look at email, texts, etc. you should have that right. I think you will find that when you are freely able to look at those things, trust begins to return with time. 

I felt the same way....couldn't spend the rest of my life checking up on him all the time. As time went on and I saw no evidence of anything, I eventually no longer felt the need to check. 

Tomorrow we celebrate our 28th anniversary. At this time last year I thought I would never feel the same about my husband, but I was wrong. He has been contrite, remorseful, and totally dedicated to our marriage for the past year. We have come out stronger on the other end. 

Best of luck to you.


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