# No Sex – is he cheating?



## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have never had sex during that time. Is that normal? We have not had sex for over 1 ½ years. It stopped one day when he told me that I “did not deserve” sex. A few months before, he told me I “did not deserve” to be kissed (we were having sex at the time). Both these comments have crucified me inside. I was distraught for the first year of the sex embargo, and tried to end it on several occasions (to no avail). Today he has started criticizing me for refusing to have sex - both when speaking (shouting) and in a subsequent email. It has dawned on me that he might be embarking on an affair and is constructing a lie to justify what he is doing. Am i paranoid??

I have known him for over thirty years (not out first marriages), but have only recently become aware that he is a man who is “very comfortable with lies” (e.g., he watched porn and lied consistently about it until I took screen shots from his history to “prove” it; hid my car keys for six months and said he did not have them; many, many other tedious lies).

I am devastated that the man I have always considered my best friend (in the world – sigh) seems to be a sleazy old man. I’ve seen texts and emails that are flirty with women I do not know. He spends one week a month away (fireman – but almost 60!) so he could be doing anything. He even seems to flirt with his nieces (vomit). I suspect he might have cheated on me when we an item when I was a teenager (only just discovered this). He is not a physically attractive man (brutal but I have to be honest) and I am certain if he were younger, taller, less obese, and had all his teeth (sorry I am venting but this is true) and richer he would have cheated on me a million times. But he was kind to me and made me feel special.

I honestly thought he was the most honest and upright man in the world. He was my hero and I adored him. I’ve discovered he has a terrible temper (hid it well for years) and I cannot discuss anything with him without his resorting to verbal abuse (*****, gypsy, evil, jew, dirty, stupid, old crow, alcoholic, "loony"). He’s also quite controlling (punishes me by removing the internet, not letting me go to the shops for food (my car tyres are mysteriously flat as is my battery), and smashing my mobile phone.

Why did I marry him? He asked me to ….
Please don’t tell me to leave, I am in a foreign country …
I have no friends in this country. I have not seen my father or my sons for almost two years. I was suicidal for a time (not now). I have lost myself a bit - i used to be intelligent and funny


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Belle, you deserve better than this. However, you are the ONLY person who can help yourself out of this mess. There is no magical words you can say to your husband to get him to treat you better. There is nothing you can do to make him be better. While you are not responsible for the way your husband treats you, it is your choices that have lead you here and it is your choices that will determine whether you stay and continue to suffer or you get out and create a better life for yourself.

Do you see how you are keeping yourself locked in this marriage? You're not happy and being mistreated BUT you don't want to leave EVEN THOUGH you miss your father and sons who are in another country. Don't you see the contradiction here? You've given yourself an impossible task to complete. You HAVE to make a decision based on what you CAN do and what resources you have available. Why don't you want to move back to your father and sons? Why isn't that an option for you?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just get out. There is no need to try and analyze this BS.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There may be public services/agencies/charities that can help you, so I suggest you work to find out what is available, or find someone who can point you towards a place to start.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What else can we tell you that you don’t know already? He’s totally useless. Hell No, no sex for three months (1.5yrs) of new marriage is not normal. You know this. But telling you that you don’t deserve sex and don’t deserve to be kissed? You are a complete idiot if you don’t do whatever it takes to get away from this “man”. 

That you married this man —- you need some counseling. This is beyond messed up.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

nekonamida said:


> Belle, you deserve better than this. However, you are the ONLY person who can help yourself out of this mess. There is no magical words you can say to your husband to get him to treat you better. There is nothing you can do to make him be better. While you are not responsible for the way your husband treats you, it is your choices that have lead you here and it is your choices that will determine whether you stay and continue to suffer or you get out and create a better life for yourself.
> 
> Do you see how you are keeping yourself locked in this marriage? You're not happy and being mistreated BUT you don't want to leave EVEN THOUGH you miss your father and sons who are in another country. Don't you see the contradiction here? You've given yourself an impossible task to complete. You HAVE to make a decision based on what you CAN do and what resources you have available. Why don't you want to move back to your father and sons? Why isn't that an option for you?


Yes, my decision is based on the resources i have available and i am not in a position to move away. Simply wishing i could will not make it happen. I am not in a position to make a hasty departure. Thanks. I wish i had made a better choice. But they say - marry your best friend. I though i had. I honestly cannot believe i am in this situation and am rather annoyed with myself to be frank. Its been quite tiring and i work very hard so it's difficult to know what to do without anybody to speak to. 

I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> What else can we tell you that you don’t know already? He’s totally useless. Hell No, no sex for three months (1.5yrs) of new marriage is not normal. You know this. But telling you that you don’t deserve sex and don’t deserve to be kissed? You are a complete idiot if you don’t do whatever it takes to get away from this “man”.
> 
> That you married this man —- you need some counseling. This is beyond messed up.


Thanks. Yes, I know I've been an idiot. But i trusted him because i have known him so long. The relationship was based on the fact that he treated me well. Then I gave up everything to come here, then covid ....


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bellegr said:


> I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else??


No, you're not being paranoid. That one piece of info alone isn't enough to say he's definitely getting it somewhere else. There could be another reason, being asexual, gay, hormone issues, having erectile dysfunction, etc. Regardless, it doesn't seem like things are going improve. 

You say you have no way to leave, is that really true? Or are you just too embarrassed to ask someone for help? What about your sons? Surely they want their mom to be happy.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

He’s cruel and none of what you accused him of sounds normal. I’m sorry about what you’re going through.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

He is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Look into local services to see if there is a place you can go to get away from him. He sounds like he has BPD or something. Anyway he's not right in the head, that is for sure. Good luck to you.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

bobert said:


> No, you're not being paranoid. That one piece of info alone isn't enough to say he's definitely getting it somewhere else. There could be another reason, being asexual, gay, hormone issues, having erectile dysfunction, etc. Regardless, it doesn't seem like things are going improve.
> 
> You say you have no way to leave, is that really true? Or are you just too embarrassed to ask someone for help? What about your sons? Surely they want their mom to be happy.


Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wondered if he was gay but he's been married twice before and does tend to look at younger women a lot. So, probably not (it would be the best and easiest explanation, but is unlikely). No erectile dysfunction or hormone issues (he occupies himself in the shower ....). One point - he never had children (but says he had fertility tests that said he was fertile) - and both his previous wives were (manifestly) fertile with other men. Is there something I am missing?
We never has a problem with sex when we were younger. And at the start of this relationship we had sex every day. Then is abruptly and completely stopped. I can remember the exact day and time.
And he's always so angry.
I feel there is something i am being obtuse about.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> He is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. Look into local services to see if there is a place you can go to get away from him. He sounds like he has BPD or something. Anyway he's not right in the head, that is for sure. Good luck to you.


Alas i do not speak the language so i am entirely at his mercy. Moreover, i am almost constantly devoid of any self-confidence now. Thanks for replying


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

bellegr said:


> Alas i do not speak the language so i am entirely at his mercy. Moreover, i am almost constantly devoid of any self-confidence now. Thanks for replying


Are you French? Or do you live in France? Can you go to a consulate of your home country and talk to them?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

bellegr said:


> hid my car keys for six months and said he did not have them


Are you serious? This guy sounds like a piece of garbage. Who cares about no sex. He is *mentally *abusing you. No man that loves a woman woud treat her like that. I'm sorry you're in another country, but you definitely need to be looking for a way out because your situation is only going to get worse, not better.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

bellegr, if I may ask, what religion does your husband practice?


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> bellegr, if I may ask, what religion does your husband practice?


He is Catholic. But it doesn't stop him shouting at me when we visit churches.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> bellegr, if I may ask, what religion does your husband practice?


He is Catholic. But it doesn't stop him shouting at me when we visit churches.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> Are you serious? This guy sounds like a piece of garbage. Who cares about no sex. He is *mentally *abusing you. No man that loves a woman woud treat her like that. I'm sorry you're in another country, but you definitely need to be looking for a way out because your situation is only going to get worse, not better.


Yes you have a point. It's hard to maintain perspective when you just have your thoughts rattling around in your head. Thanks for listening. 

Sorry to harp on. But it actually does matter to me why he stop having sex with me. Its messing with my head a bit.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He is dangerous to your health. Assuming you don't have kids with you now, I would leave the country and seek refuge with my family if I were you.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

bellegr said:


> Sorry to harp on. But it actually does matter to me why he stop having sex with me. Its messing with my head a bit.


It is not you. Just know that. One possibility is that he cheated on you, got an incurable STD, and is trying to hide it from you and everyone by blaming you. 

Or, more likely, he's just a psycho.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

bellegr said:


> Yes you have a point. It's hard to maintain perspective when you just have your thoughts rattling around in your head. Thanks for listening.
> 
> Sorry to harp on. But it actually does matter to me why he stop having sex with me. Its messing with my head a bit.


He told you "you did not deserve sex"...again, mental abuse. My guess is he's a control freak. So when you withheld sex from him, he started criticizing and shouting at you because you were in control, not him. Don't think he's gay...sex before marriage would been bad/infrequent. Doubt an affair since you said he's not very attractive and he certainly doesn't sound like he has the smooth talking skills to talk a woman into bed. It sounds like he has mental issues....maybe depression or bipolar. Both can kill one's sex drive and it would also explain his outburts and how he treats you. Tough situtuation for sure, but I would get out before it may turn violent.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you go back home? Why don't you see your children?
If I was married to this man whether he was cheating or not would be the last thing I was worried out. He sounds disgusting. Just go back home if you can.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

@bellegr You ignored this completely... It's something you really should think about. Often times people really are not as stuck as they think they are, they just don't want to ask for help.



> You say you have no way to leave, is that really true? Or are you just too embarrassed to ask someone for help? What about your sons? Surely they want their mom to be happy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but I have to ask. What thought process led you to believe that you should marry a man that withheld sex for 15 months prior to getting married, told you that you didn't deserve sex and prior to that comment, in the middle of sex, told you that you didn't deserve to be kissed? You must find the strength to leave right now. This "relationship" cannot be saved. You need to get away to someplace safe.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> It is not you. Just know that. One possibility is that he cheated on you, got an incurable STD, and is trying to hide it from you and everyone by blaming you.
> 
> Or, more likely, he's just a psycho.





BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, but I have to ask. What thought process led you to believe that you should marry a man that withheld sex for 15 months prior to getting married, told you that you didn't deserve sex and prior to that comment, in the middle of sex, told you that you didn't deserve to be kissed? You must find the strength to leave right now. This "relationship" cannot be saved. You need to get away to someplace safe.


I think it was because, with COVID and everything, i had not spoken to any other adult in my own language for over a year. I lost perspective. the whole "wedding" was surreal and i did not even understand it (language). I just said "yes" twice when i was told to. I do know how ridiculous it sounds! 

Also, I have known him for so long. I kept thinking i was imaging it. that i was as awful as he said.He was wonderful in my eyes for thirty years ... I could not believe he had transformed into this horrid angry man who lied all the time.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, you need to get a plan together of HOW to get out of this untenable situation.
You mention a father and two sons -- why have you NOT spoken to them in 2 years? Doesn't seem reasonable unless you had a falling out with them?

Contact THEM as the first step. Talk things out with them. They can help you plan.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you don't take any other advice here, do listen to the recommendation to get counseling. He's toxic, but your willingness to accept being treated that way is beyond imaginable. You need to learn who you are. Start distancing yourself from him. Get used to it.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So, you need to get a plan together of HOW to get out of this untenable situation.
> You mention a father and two sons -- why have you NOT spoken to them in 2 years? Doesn't seem reasonable unless you had a falling out with them?
> 
> Contact THEM as the first step. Talk things out with them. They can help you plan.


I have spoken to them but we live in separate countries and travel has been impossible. Almost saw them a few months ago then the rules changed the day of the flight! My father is ill and i refuse to worry him and my sons are at the start of their careers and living in studio flats with partners. I cannot share this with my sons. i would feel the burden is inappropriate for such young men. It is not fair to worry people who care about me when there is nothing they can do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

bellegr said:


> I have spoken to them but we live in separate countries and travel has been impossible. Almost saw them a few months ago then the rules changed the day of the flight! My father is ill and i refuse to worry him and my sons are at the start of their careers and living in studio flats with partners. I cannot share this with my sons. i would feel the burden is inappropriate for such young men. It is not fair to worry people who care about me when there is nothing they can do.


You realize your sons love you and would be APPALLED that you are dealing with this. They would NOT want you to deal with this, especially alone. I think you do them a big disservice not letting them know this. They can help you work it out - you NEED to share this with your sons. I bet there ARE things they can do. Does your father live in a place you could go to (and you could also help HIM out while he is ill)?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

bellegr said:


> I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have never had sex during that time. Is that normal?


No. I think I probably had sex at least 5x a day the entire week of my wedding including the day before (got em all in before she left).

Not normal at all, you should be breeding like rabbits in spring time.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

bellegr said:


> Yes, my decision is based on the resources i have available and i am not in a position to move away. Simply wishing i could will not make it happen. I am not in a position to make a hasty departure. Thanks. I wish i had made a better choice. But they say - marry your best friend. I though i had. I honestly cannot believe i am in this situation and am rather annoyed with myself to be frank. Its been quite tiring and i work very hard so it's difficult to know what to do without anybody to speak to.
> 
> I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...


No, men don't. Start by planning an exit, then leave when ready. Otherwise odds are you'll be miserable the rest of the M, and years will pass, you'll leave later anyway.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> No, men don't. Start by planning an exit, then leave when ready. Otherwise odds are you'll be miserable the rest of the M, and years will pass, you'll leave later anyway.


Yes I know i have to make a plan.

I am just agonizing over the deception. I know its fruitless to seek the truth when dealing with somebody who lies all the time. I just want the truth. I need to know what on earth happened. But, yes, he is a compulsive liar i suspect. And so my mind mind rattles on in circles. 

Plan. exit when ready. Good advice.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What else can we tell you that you don’t know already? He’s totally useless. Hell No, no sex for three months (1.5yrs) of new marriage is not normal. You know this. But telling you that you don’t deserve sex and don’t deserve to be kissed? You are a complete idiot if you don’t do whatever it takes to get away from this “man”.
> 
> That you married this man —- you need some counseling. This is beyond messed up.


This here is bang on; get out of this "marriage" now. I put marriage in quotes because what you're in isn't a marriage. You're a roommate who cooks and cleans for him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bellegr said:


> I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...


No, a well-grounded man in a stable relationship or marriage doesn't, and yes's he's probably getting it elsewhere.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Ok Belle, what resources do you have, job, allowance, et cetera. What country do you need to leave to get away from him and what country do you need to get to? I assume you have a passport. Additionally what language do you speak?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bellegr said:


> Yes I know i have to make a plan.
> 
> I am just agonizing over the deception. I know its fruitless to seek the truth when dealing with somebody who lies all the time. I just want the truth. I need to know what on earth happened. But, yes, he is a compulsive liar i suspect. And so my mind mind rattles on in circles.
> 
> Plan. exit when ready. Good advice.


That's good that you know you need to make a plan. Just make sure that you don't announce anything at all about your plan to him. Slowly gather your important documents, a little money to tide you over, anything that holds special meaning to you, etc., and stash it somewhere where he doesn't look. Does he work, or have any reason to leave the house for extended periods of time? If so, that is when you make your exit. Leave when he's not there to try to stop you or to get violent on you. 

Also, before you leave, line up somewhere to stay while you figure out your next steps of getting back home. 

You say that you need to know what on earth happened, and then say that he's a compulsive liar. You do realize that he probably wouldn't tell you the truth anyways, right? Deception sucks, I know and have been there with my own XH, who was untruthful throughout our entire marriage. It sucks, big time, especially knowing that the other person doesn't think they did anything wrong. I will tell you this: he doesn't care about you and the life that you're trying to build; what he's doing is working well for him and he sees no need to change his ways. If you decide to stay in this "marriage" things will probably just continue to get worse for you. So, you need to figure out what it is that you want to do, and then either put a plan into action, or stay and try to be accepting of your life and situation.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

You don't need to figure out anything except how to get away and back to your family. He doesn't need you trying to know what's wrong with him, you don't really need to know. Just start your plan and take action, period.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

bellegr said:


> I have spoken to them but we live in separate countries and travel has been impossible. Almost saw them a few months ago then the rules changed the day of the flight! My father is ill and i refuse to worry him and my sons are at the start of their careers and living in studio flats with partners. I cannot share this with my sons. i would feel the burden is inappropriate for such young men. It is not fair to worry people who care about me when there is nothing they can do.


Belle, come on now. We both know that your sons love you. Your father loves you. If they knew what was happening, they would be heartbroken that you chose to keep this hidden from them. People who love you WANT to help. They want you to tell them. It shakes their faith and changes their perception of your relationship with them when you don't come to them with this stuff because they WANT to be there for you.

If your father is ill, do you care about seeing him before he dies? Will you regret it forever if you choose to not be honest with him and your sons in order to find a way back to him? What's more important to you - your own ego and this idea that you have to "be strong" and "not bother them" or being there for what could be your father's last months/years alive? Is your husband and marriage really worth more than your father and sons?


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## Theborg (Apr 13, 2021)

You said that he is Catholic and that you both go to church. Could the church help you with either finding a place to stay to get away from him or a way to help you get back to your original country?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He sounds really scary. Do you not fear for your life? He sounds like an abusive, controlling sociopath. 

Please contact authorities when he takes your freedoms away. Get help ASAP


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is very hard to read your story , I know what it is like to live in a new country and when people think the hardest part of it is the french langue , but I have often felt that was the smallest part , 
it brought me to the internet so I could use my English and at the same time exchange with people that had the same type couture , 

i will have to read all your posts again , and see if there is any help here for you , 
how good is your french


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

Theborg said:


> You said that he is Catholic and that you both go to church. Could the church help you with either finding a place to stay to get away from him or a way to help you get back to your original country?


Thanks. However, I am not a Catholic. And, to be frank, dipping his hands in some water when we enter a church as tourists and then shouting at me and threatening me hardly makes him one. Sorry


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is very hard to read your story , I know what it is like to live in a new country and when people think the hardest part of it is the french langue , but I have often felt that was the smallest part ,
> it brought me to the internet so I could use my English and at the same time exchange with people that had the same type couture ,
> 
> i will have to read all your posts again , and see if there is any help here for you ,
> how good is your french


Thanks Paddy


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> He sounds really scary. Do you not fear for your life? He sounds like an abusive, controlling sociopath.
> 
> Please contact authorities when he takes your freedoms away. Get help ASAP


Thanks but it doesn't quite work that way here .


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It makes more sense now. I'm sorry you fell for his lies. You knew him in youth, but he is not who he was back then. He is not a good husband at all.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

bellegr said:


> Thanks but it doesn't quite work that way here .


 some years ago I helped a woman that was been beating by her husband , I went to the police in my city and was told go home and tell her not to come crying on our door when he beats her , 
ok things have improved a little from then , 
there is help if you know the right doors to push , I would need to put some thought into it ,


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> It makes more sense now. I'm sorry you fell for his lies. You knew him in youth, but he is not who he was back then. He is not a good husband at all.


Indeed. He is not the same man. It is sad. the man i knew is dead (effectively)


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> some years ago I helped a woman that was been beating by her husband , I went to the police in my city and was told go home and tell her not to come crying on our door when he beats her ,
> ok things have improved a little from then ,
> there is help if you know the right doors to push , I would need to put some thought into it ,


He is a sapeur pompier and well connected locally ...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The idea that you cannot escape usually goes with this type of partner.

And yea the behaviours are so appalling that you are conditioned not to worry anyone with this. These are classic symptoms of serious abuse when you are trapped. Your mind will justify it ‘I don’t want to stress my elderly mother/father, I cannot burden my kids with this, he was such a wonderful person before’ and so on.

But you do need to do the complete opposite. The more people you tell, the more will come to your aid.

The fact that you cannot rationalise anything verbally with this person means there is no future here where things will be better. A person who spends too much time online flirting and chatting is the worst sort of worst. They are hiding from the world who they really are.

What is he like in public and how is he towards others? Think carefully, there must be a few others that would see this side of him too? It could be the way he speaks to a certain friend, colleague, family member?

Would you consider a woman’s refuge? You can be out of there so quickly, it is really is possible. There are supports and people trained in these areas you will be shocked at how quickly this can be over, and how much help there will be for you. I gather from some of the things you are telling me, you will be safe when you leave. He seems all mouth and full of shame, and the shame will likely keep him away from you once you go.

You are a hostage, a prisoner, do you see this? I am heartbroken reading this, I cannot imagine what your life must be like.

One phone call can change your life.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

bellegr said:


> He is a sapeur pompier and well connected locally ...


So was my father. I involved the police after many decades and can now safely look back, even without pain or shock at what we lived through. He was and still is a known figure here and internationally.

My life is amazing. He was threatening to kill me from the age of 5, and I couldn’t even tell my psychologist, or my husband or anybody until my late 30s.

It can happen for you. ❤


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

bellegr said:


> I have been married for three months, but my husband and I have never had sex during that time. Is that normal? We have not had sex for over 1 ½ years. It stopped one day when he told me that I “did not deserve” sex. A few months before, he told me I “did not deserve” to be kissed (we were having sex at the time). Both these comments have crucified me inside. I was distraught for the first year of the sex embargo, and tried to end it on several occasions (to no avail). Today he has started criticizing me for refusing to have sex - both when speaking (shouting) and in a subsequent email. It has dawned on me that he might be embarking on an affair and is constructing a lie to justify what he is doing. Am i paranoid??
> 
> I have known him for over thirty years (not out first marriages), but have only recently become aware that he is a man who is “very comfortable with lies” (e.g., he watched porn and lied consistently about it until I took screen shots from his history to “prove” it; hid my car keys for six months and said he did not have them; many, many other tedious lies).
> 
> ...


I don't know anything about you and can still say with utmost certainty, you do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve more but no one can help you find it until you are ready to say enough is enough and escape what sounds like a living hell. If you are ready, start be reconnecting with those estranged friends and family that will hopefully remind you of the great person you are, and as you re-find yourself and your confidence, maybe you find a physical place to escape to as you systematically remove this tormentor from your life.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

bellegr said:


> Indeed. He is not the same man. It is sad. the man i knew is dead (effectively)


He probably was exactly who he is today, but a great actor. Wearing a mask that got a bit loose.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bellegr said:


> Plan. exit when ready.


Sorry, but I have to disagree. Chances are, you may never feel "ready." You should leave before that. It's not a matter of feeling ready to leave. It's a matter of self-preservation.

You'll likely never understand why he is like this. All you can do is move forward with your own life and cut him out of it. All I can say is if you have a plan to make a plan, you will sit and spin your wheels for an indefinite period of time.

Get an exit strategy in place. You really need to get this terrible man out of your life like yesterday. JMO.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

bellegr said:


> Alas i do not speak the language so i am entirely at his mercy. Moreover, i am almost constantly devoid of any self-confidence now. Thanks for replying


Why don't you contact the consulate of your country? They have citizen services and they can help you. 

It looks like you live currently in France, right? If you need any help with finding resources or translating anything, let me know. I can help you find help and contact services there.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

in every town there is a Mairie , depending to how big or little your town is , if big the pompiers will not have the same power as a small.

BUT even if he has influence THEY WILL NOT STAND UP FOR HIM IN THIS TYPE OF CASE.
WE have had a few cases over the last few weeks of police men ex army men people well respected killing their wife and having to be tracked down by the police 
the MAIRIE can be held responsible for not acting if they know of a case that has been reported to them and they do nothing , 

in every Mairie there is an Travailleur Social ask to see her , tell her your story she will be the best door to knock on , and she will know all groups public and other .
any thing you say to her will be secret , 

if your in a big town there is at all times someone to talk to in the Travailleur Social office 
you can even goggle it and get a phone number without going to the MAIRIE 
in smaller towns you can only get to see them one day a week and at this time of year many are away


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

bellegr said:


> Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wondered if he was gay but he's been married twice before and does tend to look at younger women a lot. So, probably not (it would be the best and easiest explanation, but is unlikely). No erectile dysfunction or hormone issues (he occupies himself in the shower ....). One point - he never had children (but says he had fertility tests that said he was fertile) - and both his previous wives were (manifestly) fertile with other men. Is there something I am missing?
> We never has a problem with sex when we were younger. And at the start of this relationship we had sex every day. Then is abruptly and completely stopped. I can remember the exact day and time.
> And he's always so angry.
> I feel there is something i am being obtuse about.



There are a couple of possibilities.

1. An affair
2. Porn addiction

The way he treats you points to either one of those 2 possibilities or both. 

Why did his last 2 marriages end? Was there infidelity on his part or something else?


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

ladybird said:


> There are a couple of possibilities.
> 
> 1. An affair
> 2. Porn addiction
> ...


The first marriage ended because she cheated on him multiple times and second one ended because she was too bad tempered and complained all the time. Of course - i only have his word regarding this . I now suspect he was still seeing his second wife after we got together, but I'm not sure.

When we were together when i was young i only suspected him of cheating once. To my horror, many years later i discovered this woman later became his first wife. He swears they did not get together until a year after we split up. I believed him because i generally operate on the policy that you should trust people unless they prove themselves to be duplicitous (I am niaive?) Also when we were young he had a weekend holiday with an ex. I found this out recently. he swears he was set up and nothing happened. We had "dinner" with her two years ago (thirty years after this) and she did not speak to me or give me any food or wine wine all evening. he did nothing and i had to sit through this for almost five hours. It was really weird!! Sorry this is off point and i am rambling but i attempting inner clarification 

Writing this, i am beginning to see that his love life has been a tangled web for years. I thinks he might be opportunistic ...

But it still does not explain no sex with me all this time. Yes, porn addiction and affairs seem likely. he is a liar. 😥


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

bellegr said:


> Thanks for your thoughtful response. I wondered if he was gay but he's been married twice before and does tend to look at younger women a lot. So, probably not (it would be the best and easiest explanation, but is unlikely). No erectile dysfunction or hormone issues (he occupies himself in the shower ....). One point - he never had children (but says he had fertility tests that said he was fertile) - and both his previous wives were (manifestly) fertile with other men. Is there something I am missing?
> We never has a problem with sex when we were younger. And at the start of this relationship we had sex every day. Then is abruptly and completely stopped. I can remember the exact day and time.
> And he's always so angry.
> I feel there is something i am being obtuse about.


this is the part I THINK IS VERY STRANGE that he just changed over night , I think it has nothing to do with him cheating ( you would not be that lucky in this case )
I all so think it has nothing to do with porn use ,

it looks like he is using sex as part of his mind games he is playing on you 
and that you too close to fully see what he is do to you and you mind
he is using all types of mind power over you 

the only reason he stopped having sex with you is to play with your mind
it is like testing you to see how far he can push you before you brake
it is the same as the car keys and the flat wheels and all the other things he is doing

You need to start seeing the wood from the trees you don't have french at all that will make things hard , 
you are wrong in saying you can not travel, many people go to the other countries without and problems you just have to contact you embassy to know in your own langue what you need 

was your father not at your wedding or your sons


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## hamphrey (Jul 14, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Just get out. There is no need to try and analyze this BS.


Correct and clear thought. Sometimes it's better not to think more than necessary.


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

Either he has dementia or he is a narcissist 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

He is a firefighter? Let me ask you: in the past year or two did he sustain any head injuries at work? If he has suffered any TBI (traumatic brain injury), such an injury can cause extreme changes in personality, literally turning a person into someone you don't know overnight. I have seen it personally with one of my friends who suffered TBI in a car wreck.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

boonez40 said:


> Either he has dementia or he is a narcissist
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


Why do you say dementia? I ask because i had considered it too. He also repeats himself a lot and behaves like an old man sometimes (beyond his years).


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> He is a firefighter? Let me ask you: in the past year or two did he sustain any head injuries at work? If he has suffered any TBI (traumatic brain injury), such an injury can cause extreme changes in personality, literally turning a person into someone you don't know overnight. I have seen it personally with one of my friends who suffered TBI in a car wreck.


No. But he did do some dangerous diving connected with his work. I sometimes feel like he is brain damaged (I do not mean to sound cruel) or senile.


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## bellegr (Jun 18, 2021)

bellegr said:


> No. But he did do some dangerous diving connected with his work. I sometimes feel like he is brain damaged (I do not mean to sound cruel) or senile.


That said. I have reached the point where i am not making excuses for his behaviour. I have been supportive for too long (i admired him a lot) and nearly driven to the edge. No sympathy - that makes me sound harsh but he did not care when i was in a very dark place because of what he was doing. I do not want to go back there again


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## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

bellegr said:


> Why do you say dementia? I ask because i had considered it too. He also repeats himself a lot and behaves like an old man sometimes (beyond his years).


The onset of dementia will cause people to turn very ugly, the nicest people turn into monsters with this disease. With his cruelty towards just screams it is just the beginning of this nightmare. 

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> Either he has dementia or he is a narcissist
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


I think it goes further now that he is much older...sociopath behavior and mentality.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

boonez40 said:


> The onset of dementia will cause people to turn very ugly, the nicest people turn into monsters with this disease. With his cruelty towards just screams it is just the beginning of this nightmare.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


OP, is he diabetic? How is his diet? What does he mostly eat on a daily basis?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



Why did I marry him? He asked me to ….

Click to expand...

*It's really quite sad how horrifically low you've put that bar where this loathsome, vile individual is concerned.

I can't figure out why *anyone* would do this willingly. Are you locked in the basement as his prisoner? Are you physically encumbered in some way that won't allow you to pack a suitcase and walk out the door? Are you being threatened in any way if you leave?

Those are the only reasons I can come up with for why ANYONE would stay with this abomination.

You're your own worst enemy. You want a magic answer from us that doesn't require you to do anything or do any heavy lifting but will somehow miraculously change everything for the better. I'm sorry, but your foolish and short-sighted choices are to blame for your troubles and only YOU can change that.


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## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

He sounds like a psycho you don’t deserve to be kissed you don’t deserve sex ........ who the fudge says that. I’m not gonna lie I didn’t pick the best relationship myself I got a narcissistic ahole. But your story run get out you deserve better and if he’s flirting with his nieces he’s sick in the head that’s disgusting I could have misread that if I did please correct me but if I’m not wrong he sounds like a incest pediphile . No one deserves to be treated bad like this you should really think about a list the pros and cons of being together if the cons out weigh the good walk away. I’ve been given good advice from friends and on here sometimes we think we can change people and the fact is we can’t . Yes any relationship loss is painful if you have time invested but we all bounce back and life is too short to live in misery


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> OP, is he diabetic? How is his diet? What does he mostly eat on a daily basis?


 no just a nutter any one that can tell her she does not deserve sex and she does not deserve to be kissed and all this before they got married


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bellegr said:


> I just wondered if i was being paranoid. Do men normally go so long without "wanting" sex? Or is he getting it somewhere else?? Losing perspective here ...


nope, not normal.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

bellegr said:


> No. But he did do some dangerous diving connected with his work. I sometimes feel like he is brain damaged (I do not mean to sound cruel) or senile.


hmmmm. sounds like a medical based issue.
diving, as in commercial scuba diving?
he could have had some issues that damaged part of his brain, and he is now impotent because of it. Or some nitrogen bubbles damage his nerves.
i would get him to a urologist and see if he has the ability to have sex. maybe he is embarrassed that he has severe Erectile Dysfunciton, and will avoid all sex.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The guy is obese and pushing sixty - my guess is he can't get an erection so his vanity and pride has him putting the fault on you. 

The only fault you should accept is marrying him when you already knew exactly what he is like. See if there is any way you can get the marriage annulled. 

Tell your sons so they can help bring you home to help your father. Good luck.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I say bull crap , you don't get a medical based issue. over night , next thing you guys will be saying he has turned gay at 60 ,


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