# Why now? What does that mean?



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I've been extra nice towards my wife over the last month and she still has the same question: "why now"? She means why are you treating me good now? I replied, because I love you and I want you to know you are 1st in my life.

She says she is confused and needs space. I have been at home since she filed. She decided mid-month to sleep at her girlfriends. It hasn't been working out because we still run into each other in the morning and at night. Basically, she doesn't want to see me so she can get her mind straight and make a decision.

That decision is whether or not to go to counseling and work things out. To top it off, we have a court date in about one week. So, I decided to ask her back home and move out myself for 1 week. I am at a loss as to what else to try. Anyone got any suggestions?

No affairs. No need to put that as a response. Just a confused woman who spents months agonizing over the decision to file, and who now has about a week to decide whether or not to chance her mind. I guess I blew the last month....trying to change and meet her needs. I failed to meet the one she was asking for the most - space to think things out.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

She asks "why now" because she doesn't trust your changes.

She may have been trying to get these changes to happen for months or even years. 

She's became detached over time to protect herself. 

She's angry and resentful that she wasn't important enough all along.

Only until she filed did you wake up. (I am assuming).

Now you are a changed man. 

Why should she believe this is permanent.

Give her time and space as she asks. 

As far as a court date....ask her to postpone.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

CW, you are one smart cookie!

This situation is much like mine. I have told my husband I need time and space. When he calls and whines or fights with me, it just pushes me further away. 

You didn't go into any detail about what you think your wife wants to be different. Whatever changes you have made, if you are sure they are what she wants - It will take time for your wife to see if the changes are for real. 

As for the counseling - have either of you gone alone or together? You don't have to wait for her to go yourself. Maybe talking with someone will help you figure out what you need to do.

Sandy


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I have hung around these past few weeks because of the kids. I want to be there for them. Unfortunately, she sees that as "being in her space" since she is there as well. 

Also, I don't understand how she can see the changes if I'm not around.

In any case, since we are down to the wire, I have resigned myself to leaving and not calling, texting, emailing her for a week so she can see that I will put her first. Even before the kids. After all, that's what you're supposed to do in a marriage.

I made it clear that I still love her, and that she can contact me if she needs anything. The kids schedules are pretty hectic and sometimes we need to split up the responsibility of practices and stuff.

It's only been one night and I already miss them all. I need to get into work and hold it together.

Oh, my changes? Put her first, before my kids and extended family. Stop the little lies about stupid things like where I am or when I will be home. I sometime run errands on the way home and say I'll be there in 30, but due to the errands and traffic, it's more like 1 hour. This irritates her to no end. She also wants me to be less irritable. That goes both ways, although i can only control my emotions.

Anyone else got an opinion?

CW - how does one get an extension? I do not have legal representation. I read that the papers become a court order if I do not challenge it within 30 days.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Not sure how old the kids are...With my D (15 year old) she has a cell and can directly communicate with her dad.

You changed will have to be seen over time (months). 

Keep working on yourself. 

The extension will have to be gotten by her...if she filed for the divorce. You are really left with no choice if she doesn't want an extension.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Change=Trust when slow consistant love is applied. you didn't get her by 1 fight. You got here cause over time you were not the man you are trying to show her. Why should she believe you are different?? Words are cheap.. Actions will only prove and time. She needs space and time to reflect. 


Is the court date the start of the process?? If so you have time. Just work on being a better man.. It will reflect when you do talk to her. She will see you processing things differently..


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Court date is to decide and enforce child visitation via mediation. I do not want this for our children. Up until now we have been keeping this from them to minimize impact. One of us has been leaving at night and coming back before they wake up. This week I promised to give her space so I am not coming home. She is taking on vacation too so they know Dad is working and will not be there.

I pray that she will see that I am genuine in my efforts and hope that she will give us another chance.


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