# I feel like our marriage is falling apart.



## Military_Wife (Mar 27, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. When we first got married we were both in the military in two different branches. Now I am out of the military as I fufilled my 6 year commitment and contract. My husband is still in the military and his job has relocated us overseas. 

We are now located in a remote area overseas. Because of being overseas at our location it is very difficult for me to find work. The minimum wage is just $7.00 an hour and before getting here I worked a wonderful job that paid $14.00 an hour. So now we are a one income family. 
Being a one income family on a low ranking military salary is very difficult. We also live off base which has become stressfull in the fact that it is much more expensive than we thought it would be and we must ride out our lease which ends July 1st before we are able to move on base. Living on base will be much better for us because we won't have to worry about $600.00 power bills. Living on base housing, water, trash, power is all included and free for us. Living in town we are given a certain amout to live off of and the amount we are given for his rank doesn't cover the house rent, plus required landscaping fees by our landlord, and electric, water and gas. We are paying out of pocket to live off base and it was my choice before we both got here that we would live off base, however when I made the choice I didn't think it would be expensive I thought the money alloted to us would cover the expenses. (it doesn't)

I am not working and spend so much time volunteering and I am the President of the commands Family Readiness Group. I am constantly seeing new babies be born (it's a common occurance living overseas that military couples start their families) In my job as President of FRG I provide meal trains for the new parents and always go deliver a gift from the command to the new parents. I get to see the sweet little bundles of joy and it tares my heart apart. Why? Because my husband 'isn't ready' to start a family yet. He knew when we met that I wanted a large family, people have always said i have 'baby fever' but to me it's not baby fever, it's a yearning deep inside to be a mother. I feel more than anything in the world that I was meant to be a mother. I don't want to go to college, I don't want to work a minimum wage job, I don't want to join the military again, I want to be a wife and mother. I want to raise beautiful children and home school my children and take my children to church and live a happy fufilled life. My husband would rather 'be free' and go out on the weekends with his friends and have a few drinks, he says with kids it would stop all of our fun and all of our freedom. He says it's not that he never wants kids with me, just not right now. I am hurt because to me it feels like I am okay to be his wife but not good enough to be the mother of his children. 

Currently my husband is away for work, he is gone for three months and has been gone one month of the three thus far. The three months prior to his leaving he was working 24/7. He was literally working all the time, sometimes not comming home from work till 1:30am and then having to go back to work at 5 or 6 in the morning. His job is very fast past and he is gone for work a lot. If he is not gone for training, or schools he is deployed. This year 90% of the year he will be gone. 

He knew my biggest fear for this training he is gone on was that he was going to spend too much money out drinking with his commrads. Well he said that wouldn't happen, and it is. Every weekend he goes out and 'has dinner' which is also a bar, but they don't go out for dinner untill like 10pm and then he will stay out drinking with the guys till like 2-3am. I feel very strongly that a married man should be back in his room at like 10-11pm. (this is also the time in the day he should be talking to me on skype of the phone) Because of the time different it works out perfectly for him to go out to dinner a little earlier, have a few drinks and dinner and then go back to his room and talk to me. But he doesn't want to do that, he says the other guys dont go out to dinner till 10pm so why would he 'force' them to go out at 8pm instead. The guys he is going out with are YOUNG SINGLE MEN ages 21-25. My husband is 27 years old and married. I feel like he is galavanting the town acting like a bachlor. He says he is not. He says he is not because he is not out at clubs, he is out at bars, or drinking in the peoples hotel rooms (the other guys he is with) The first weekend he was gone he went out for two days in a row at the bar till 3am. I flipped out and told him that I thought it was wildly innapropriate for him to be doing that, he said he would 'tone it down'. His idea of 'toning it down' was the next weekend : he forgot his phone for like 7-8 hours and I was trying to call him and text him during that time because I was so sick I needed to go to the ER. I was scared, sick and alone and my husband was thousands of miles away and not answering his phone or texts. I called his hotel room and he didn't answer (that was at 2am his time) Finally at 3am he calls. He says they went out for Japanese food (for lunch) and started drinking then. gap in what he says he was doing, then they went out for dinner and drinks and he says they came home early and went to his buddys room and drank there and watched a movie and he fell asleep watching a movie and drinking (this was four rooms away from his hotel room) so you mean to tell me this whole time he didn't check his pocket to see if his wife was doing okay (he knew I was sick, he just didn't realize how sick, and frankly neither did I until I went to the ER) he said he forgot his phone on the charger. So to me he was still out drinking all day with his friends then all night and then he FELL ASLEEP IN SOMEONE ELSESROOM. He is a married man, no married man should EVER sleep in someone elses room, I don't care that it was just his commrad, it's still inapropriate. You see I don't drink. I have PCOS and I have severe migraines and drinking agrivates my migraines. So my husband out drinking all night really upsets me. Then this past weekend he goes snowboarding and barely talked to me and also 'forgot his phone' again when they were done and they were all having dinner and having a good time, he had been on the slopes all day and then once he was done forgot his phone and went out. 

It hurts me so bad that he cares more about galavanting the town and drinking with young single guys than talking to his wife on the phone or skyping with his wife. 
Because of my PTSD I have pretty bad depression and anxiety. My PCOS also has my hormones all out of whack and I have even worse depression and anxiety with that as well. When my husband was home we didn't have the most active sex life because of my hormone imbalance from PCOS, but he also worked all the time and was 'too tired' most nights anyways. As was I because of my hormone imbalance I am fatigued most days. Most days it is a struggle just to do day to day activities like cooking, cleaning running errends. I am so lonely. My husband works so much that most days and nights I am alone. I have pets but it's not helping, I am still depressed. I have recently stopped taking all of my meds because it's just such a pain in the ass waiting hours and hours in doctors appointments and waiting at the pharmecy (military hospitals SUCK) So now I am not on an ati-axiety med, depression meds, or horomone inbalancing meds as I was before. It makes it even harder my husband being away, me being alone and not on my meds. 

I want to know if you think I am crazy. Am I crazy for wanting my husband home instead of out late at night, even though he is away. 
Is it wrong of me to want him to not be getting drunk? 
Is it wrong of me for being depressed that he isn't ready to have kids?
Is it wrong of me to feel like he isn't putting enough effort into loving me: I feel like it's not hard to make a phone call, send an email or even a sweet letter in the mail (he knows how to reach me yet I am constantly the one trying to reach him).

I told him today that I DESERVE BETTER. I wasn't saying it to say I want to leave him, I was saying it to say HELLO HUSBAND TREAT ME BETTER! 
I said if this is how it's going to be forever than you might as well divorce me. (I don't even believe in divorce, I believe marriage is forever, even if he died I couldn't bring myself to re-marry) He has been married before me so he has himself been divorced. Now he says if you think you can do better FINE! He won't answer my calls (I have called over 60 times) I called him so much my phone died. He said I will talk to you later (we got in a fight because we were skyping and talking about bills and he just let his friends come in while we were talking about our private life) I felt like he was airing our dirty laundry. One of the boys in the backround laughed and I freaked out at told them to get the eff out and stop intruding on our relationship. Then I told my husband I am sick of his friends being around when we skype, that it is our personal time and he should want to spend it with me. 
He says he loves me but it's like falling on deaf ears now, because he isn't SHOWING ME HE LOVES ME. 

so like I said he's not talking to me, not answering my calls, and I am devistated. 

Please send advice & thoughts.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Not much too say. You have the wrong man and I dont think things will ever be what you want.


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## need2ventnow (Mar 24, 2012)

I can definitely relate to where you are coming from. My husband deployed for thirteen months. During that time, I became a victim and he was sent on emergency leave cuz luckily he was still in the states. He came, painted my wallz after moving me out of the bad memory apartment with an awful roomate, and then he was gone- blink of an eye and all we had was e-mail for 13 months. I have NO IDEA what he was doing during that time. Except for what he wrote me. Till this day, I still do not know if he cheated on me. He says he didn't but when I hacked into his bank account I found a # where "young hot gurls will massage ur bulge" and this # was where he had gotten a massage. Obvi- I was pissed off, calling his mom, flipping, e-mailing and no replies...He finally said it was a neck massage...Hmm who knows. I decided to let it go. I know what its like not having any way to communicate with your husband and because you say he wants to wait on children bcuz he wants to party it does not surprise me that he is out doing that now.

Maybe, since you do not drink, he sees this as an opportunity to party. I can't say I would not be skeptical of him hanging around hotel rooms- even if he says there his friends- bcuz as you stated his friends are single. 

You are not crazy, hunnie, you are not even mad enough! You should not be questioning your sanity...my husband made me feel like I was the crazy one too...but I am not...these are realistic worries. He should take you seriously, he should respect your wishes, there may be a way to find a common ground such as- He only goes out with other married men? Or he doesn't drink when with his single friends- drinking can lead to inappropriate behavior or people doing things they would not normally do. 

Have you ever considered talking to his command about his behavior? He could have a substance abuse problem. On top of that, you do not deserve to be the innocent bystander and watch him run around like he is single.

Maybe you should try reverse psychology, and see how he likes it. Perhaps, pretending you are out partying, ignoring his calls, and not skyping with him will charge an emotional response....and then you'll at least have him know what if feels like- and if he doesnt get pissed- then I would seriously consider the fact that maybe he doesn't love you as much as you love him.

On the other hand this could be his way of coping, but in order to support your needs, he needs better coping mechanisms. It sounds like he is using alcohol excessively to escape something...Could it be his job, or perhaps he is deliberately pushing you away bcuz he wants to be a bachelor...

What is he like when he is home? Does he act the same?

I'm probably worrying you, but I am just being honest...You are RIGHT that his behavior is wrong, but what you didn't say is that you trust him not to cheat....Do you think thats a possibility?

Regardless, I would have him tested when he comes home...

I feel for you, I have been there, but my husband seemed to be more supportive, and he has shown no guilt or ever said he had done anything...its easier to get away wit **** thro email, but i constantly checked his email...and if hes not providing for you, call the FRO...they will guarantee that you get the money you are entitled too..

Sorry for not sugar coating things, but YOUR not the one misbehaving, he SOUNDS like he is...and my first response would be to give him a taste of his own medicine, no matter how tempting it may be to call and try to talk to him...Don't do it for a week...a normal reaction for him would be to panic- especially if he is doing something inappropriate.

Then, call the FRO and contact command about his drinking- don't even bother to ask him if he has a problem, they will assess that...

He will be very upset with you, but do you want to be walked all over, driving yourself crazy thinking you have a problem? Cause from what it sounds like, you don't/he does...

Tell me what you plan to do. I've seen a lot of military wives become disrespected cuz they did not stand up for themselves- u wanna be a wife n mother, but a RESPECTED one...not one who is told what to cook, what to do, and when or how to do it...


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