# He chose the alcohol...



## the swimming elephant (Sep 16, 2010)

I gave my husband an ultimatum and he chose the alcohol. I left and even though I thought I was prepared for this I'm struggling. We are trying to maintain a relationship, it doesn't seem to bother him that we live apart. He insists I left for other reasons. I don't know where to go from here. I love him and I know he loves me but I'm dying inside. Any words of wisdom?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the forum....clever username 

Yes, for you it's pretty clear that he chose you over alcohol. The thing with addiction though, is that he needs to hit his own bottom before he will put anything above it. Why are you trying to maintain a relationship? Maybe he really needs to feel the loss of you being out of his life for a while for it to hit home?


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## the swimming elephant (Sep 16, 2010)

If I'm totally honest? I think I'm afraid it's something like "out of sight, out of mind" for him.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Does he live by himself now? Can he function independently now that you left, as far as getting the bills paid, going to work, etc? Is there anyone else doing these things for him?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

An Al-Anon meeting may help... LOTS of people have been where you are and have felt (or feel) the way you do. I was afraid to go to meetings when my ex-boyfriend dragged our lives through the alcohol/drug ringer. Going to those meetings helped me to keep a clear head and let me make the decisions that I needed to make for myself.


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## the swimming elephant (Sep 16, 2010)

Hopeful1 you are right about al-anon. I stopped going a few weeks ago and apparently I need to continue.

swedish you reminded me of why what I am doing won't work. My husband has his son living with him, he was living there before I left. I am still handling the bills, although he gives me the money to pay them. I am available to him so there is no reason for him to change. In fact I have probably given him a perfect environment.

More than anything I need to learn to deal with the loneliness, the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How old is his son? Is son's mom in the picture?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Well... He didn't actually "Choose" the alcohol... You can offer an alcoholic a billion dollars and ownership of the moon in exchange for him not drinking anymore and you will never have to pay up. 

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic. As much as I despise it and will not accept it as an excuse for bad behavior, it truly is a disease. I also had a roommate several years ago who abused the alcohol. I kicked him out over it. Then again, I wasn't married to him, so I didn't really care what happened to him. I understand that he has destroyed a second marriage with the drinking now.

The point is that any substance addiction is difficult to overcome. It's not as easy as someone telling an alcoholic that they had better quit. To break an addiction like that requires about the same amount of effort that one would have to make in order to fly.

The ultimatum backfired. Further, know that even if he does get help, he will ALWAYS be fighting the addiction. This is one of those things that you can't go "get fixed" with a month in rehab. It will resurface over and over again for his entire life.

I wish you all of the love and support you will need for this. I hope that it all works out in the end.


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## crystal226 (Sep 21, 2010)

I would go to some Al-Anon meetings and also check out soberrecovery.com they have forums for addicts, alcoholics, and their friends and family. I have often wondered if and how alcohol has affected my relationship and I have found help on this forum as well. Good luck!


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