# Newly married and fighting constantly! Please help!



## JamieK32 (Aug 2, 2011)

Hi! I am need of some advice from someone who doesnt know my husband and I. We are in our 30's and second marriages for both. I have a 15 yr old boy and he has a 6 yr old daughter from our previous marriages. There are a few issues he tells me I need to get over and suck it up but it has affected me more than he will ever know. 

Firstly we have his daughter 50% of the time, her mother has been single since they divorced 5 yrs ago, she revolves her entire world around the child, there is no discipline in her life at all and has never been punished in 6 yrs. She clings to her fathers side every second of every day she is with us. I dont agree with spoiling at all! 

We also have his mother, she has been single for all of 35 years and has also never moved on from my husbands dad. She is extremely dependent on her adult kids. ex has never pumped her own gas in her life! And feels that if we dont have her up our asses I am a bad person. I feel I am a good wife and my mother in law still is very mean and very jealous. Its hard for me because I am a nice girl and for her to hate people like she does kills me especially when he wants her involved and invited and is made to feel very guilty when he doesnt. She puts her own kids against each other and makes very rude comments all the time and gives every single person dirty looks! 

I feel like I am second to my mother in law and we have fought MANY times about this. He wont say Mom I am married now and happy and the way you treat people isnt right especially my wife!! 

I have a lot of trouble with these issues and he points the finger at me and says its me and I am so negative and hate everything! I have went through a major job loss and 2 miscarriages since we have been together and these things on top of my mother in law and step daughter have really changed me. I try SO hard not to let these things bother me but it never ends! We have only been married a year and half and I thought it would either get easier or change. 

Please any advice would be great. I would love to show my husband some responses so maybe he will think these issues arent all me. I know I am NOT perfect but would give anything for him to understand. 

Thank You!


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

JamieK32 said:


> Hi! I am need of some advice from someone who doesnt know my husband and I. We are in our 30's and second marriages for both. I have a 15 yr old boy and he has a 6 yr old daughter from our previous marriages. There are a few issues he tells me I need to get over and suck it up but it has affected me more than he will ever know.
> 
> Firstly we have his daughter 50% of the time, her mother has been single since they divorced 5 yrs ago, she revolves her entire world around the child, there is no discipline in her life at all and has never been punished in 6 yrs. She clings to her fathers side every second of every day she is with us. I dont agree with spoiling at all!
> 
> ...


From personal experience, a 6-year-old who is spoiled will never stop being spoiled until someone puts a stop to it, and it will never be the spoiler; they obviously get something out of it. For a picture of what that looks like in 10 years, she will want (and get) a car immediately at 16, she will want boys to stay over (if no one puts a foot down they will be allowed), she will use drugs, she will only want to associate with people who spoil her... I can only imagine how this will all look 10 years from now. I am currently doing what I can to put a stop to this abusive behavior from my ex, who continues to spoil her. So there's one point you are certainly right about.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

ManDup is right, don't believe those who said, "but she's only a child." I have a step daughter who was eight when I married my husband, and I could see then how spoiled she was. She is now fourteen and already promiscuous as heck. Dresses provocatively, and has no respect for anybody. A child who was not given accountability when she is young will never learn it as she grows up. You need to ask yourself if this is something you are willing to put up with. I have the same problem with my mother-in-law as well who feats her own children against each other and is very clingy to them. My husband is 47 years old, and she still calls him her "baby" :wtf:
So where are we now..? separated, with me trying to make the marriage work while he still acts like a whiny child.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Completely understand your situation and yes,I have been there.When my wife and I first married we lived with her parents for about a year afterwards.My wife also had a 6 year old from a previous relationship who was spoiled rotten but she is the best 12 year old ever right now.You have to get your husband to cut the umbilical cord. As long as you have his mother stuck up your ass all day everyday and in your personal life all the time it's always gonna be bad.One of the best things we did was move out of her parents house.Situations like that can destroy a marriage and it can also leave alot of scars and hard feelings.You need to move her out or you guys need to move out.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> ManDup is right, don't believe those who said, "but she's only a child." I have a step daughter who was eight when I married my husband, and I could see then how spoiled she was. She is now fourteen and already promiscuous as heck. Dresses provocatively, and has no respect for anybody. A child who was not given accountability when she is young will never learn it as she grows up. You need to ask yourself if this is something you are willing to put up with. I have the same problem with my mother-in-law as well who feats her own children against each other and is very clingy to them. My husband is 47 years old, and she still calls him her "baby" :wtf:
> So where are we now..? separated, with me trying to make the marriage work while he still acts like a whiny child.


This reminds me of my stepdaughter, she was only 11 when I married my husband. She was always petted by every one because her parents were divorced. The rule in my husband's family was 'don't upset her, her parents are divorced'. Like half the kids around don't have divorced parents!! Really? Anyway, she grew up petted and catered to and now she is in her early thirties and is a basket case. She never did drugs as far as I know, But she can't handle life very well, and she can't discipline her own kids. She doesn't know how to discipline because she was never disciplined herself. She has been married twice, her ex doesn't pay his child support and she doesn't have the backbone to stand up to him about it because she was never made to handle anything difficult. Everything was always handled and smoothed over for her. She really can't do much of anything. 

I used to get angry that she was so petted while my daughter I had with my husband was not. It was like the older daughter was babied and the younger daughter had to pull her weight. But now days my daughter has a college degree (step daughter barely graduated high school) , and my daughter makes a really great salary (step daughter barely scrapes by, in fact borrows money from my daughter). I could go on but you get the picture. I'm not saying all spoiled children grow up to be losers but it sure does increase the odds. 

The ex is NOT doing her child any favors. Try to make your husband understand this. If she is spoiled in childhood she will be a spoiled adult and generally life is not easy for spoiled, lazy adults.


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## Timmar317 (Aug 16, 2011)

I don't have any children in my marriage... but the mother-in-law issue seems to be too common. That leaves me with little hope!


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