# Once you hit bottom, is there a way out together



## NJ Man (Oct 26, 2010)

My relationship with my wife has become distant and strained. Married for 27 years and I cannot get her to understand the importance of both parents being unified when facing discipline matters with our child (daughter). Fear of alienating the child and losing her friend and kinship is more important to my wife then her support of me. I pick and choose my battles carefully. No matter what the issue, my wife will sit there and not comment in front of my child for fear of losing their close relationship. Then, I am the bad guy and both of them are mad at me. Everything is magnified and blown out of proportion with whatever I have to say. I find myself being very isolated and alone. Withdrawn I can go a week or better having little to say to either my wife or child. Of late, words of extreme harshness, cursing, etc have occured at peak times of frustration toward my wife and I. Never physical, certainly emotional, things breakdown further.

Then I came across my wife reaching out on a social networking site to find her first love and person she lost her virginity to back in High School. When the person replied by E-mail, he confirmed "is this the person that made my summer of 80 a very special time?" My wife replied and confirmed, "yes it is and I think about that summer and time of my life often"... This other man, married with kids also went on to say he was recently back home, where they were both from and he thought about my wife often. So they both confirmed this recent awakening of thinking about each other often. Now, in futher E-mails, no mention of me to the X but lots of review of our children. My wife stated, "still married" as her only reference of me. I was sick to my stomach to see this. Further, the few further E-mails my wife suggested a few times that she would love to talk and chat sometime with the X. The last part of the story, he encouraged my wife to call him at a time where he would be a bachelor and his wife was away..(interesting way to invite her in). I could begin to play out how a quick rendezvous could be possible.

I discovered these E-mails a few days later from when they occurred. My wife, immediately defensive suggested this was all innocent. I was so upset and heartbroken that my wife needed to seek out this person of the past and then, the content and how things were said. More than anything, the way in which their interaction between them began, recalling their "Summer of Love" together was enough to get sick.

I feel a sense of betrayal and am going through anger, depression and all kind of mixed emotions. I have a loss of trust. 

I left on a business trip soon after confronting all this. My wife's response was, "contact with the X did not have anything to do with wanting him or a reconnection with him. It was more of a validation that I’m a good person and that at time in my life someone actually liked me for who I am. It has been so long since you have given me any positive feedback" This is somewhat true given that I have so much anger for her lacking support of me in front of our family...
In conclusion, the separation and Divorce topic has come up. I have told her that we together need to seek help. It is painful to admit this but it may be our only salvation...

So, what would you do? The contact with the X was when the **** really hit the fan for me!!
P.S. I have provided well, worked my ass off and given all I can to the comfort and care of the family home and lifestyle.


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

You two need to go for marriage counseling. If there's any chance that both you and her want your marriage to work and you'll both agree to go, it's worth it. For a $100 bucks with a good one you can save thousands in divorce lawyer's fees. 

I see too often parents wanting to be 'friends' with their kids these days. I see your perspective, that a good parent is there to parent and not just 'hang out' with their kids like a buddy. Parents should support each other when raising kids... ideally. It sounds at least like she's not undermining you in front of your kid. 


Her email exchange with the X is sickening. I hate the sounds of how that happened. So do you believe this to be true that she's not yet had any sexual affair?

Are you off on business trips often? This can be very tough on a spouse. Perhaps she's had issues with that in the past? Has she ever expressed that before?


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