# Married 11 years and feeling used, abandoned



## asdf1234 (Nov 16, 2015)

Hi, I'm happy I came across this help forum because I'm really confused what to do and if there's hope left in my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 11 years and we had our first (and only child) about 5 years ago.

I have been thinking about separation and divorce for a little over a year and doing some research, but my problem is my wife is disrespectful towards me especially in front of our 4 y/o daughter. My wife has always been a loud talker and has a very big chip on her shoulder. She is confrontational and doesn't consider other people's feelings before talking. Her remarks are often insulting, and now my 4 y/o daughter is yelling at me imitating her. I've told her many times to start showing me some respect and treat me like a human being. I fear my daughter is losing respect for me, also, because she always says mommy is right and often hits me.

My wife's relationship with her mother is the same way. She insults and criticizes her mother and her mother fires back at her just like me. Her mother and I are actually very alike - we're calm and have some emotional intelligence and care about other people's feelings. Her relationship with her father is like peas and carrots; I have never heard her talk to her father the way she does me and her mother, but I also see her father having the same type of behavior (a critic, loud talking and pompous). On several occasions in the past I've witnessed the same type of verbal disrespect from her father to mother. I can't help but think my wife learned this behavior from her father, but this is just me trying to understand.

It's hard to summarize our life in a forum post, but before kids we were somewhat happier without the stress of a kid, but she's always been verbally disrespectful raising her voice at me and calling me names. She also treats my daughter the same way, yelling at her and on rare occasions pulling her hair. I've threatened her the last time she did that to call the authorities, it hasn't happened since.

I'm having a really hard time being hopeful that our marriage will get better. We have had sex only 1-2 times since our daughter was born almost 5 years ago and she claims she doesn't want to risk having another kid (although we agreed when we got married we would have 2). She shows no affection whatsoever and every time I try to sit next to her or hug and kiss her she always shuns me. She never makes time for us; instead she watches 1-2 hours of TV a night and goes to bed, without even a care to say goodnight or love you.

For both the happiness of myself and my daughter, I feel my only hope is to seek divorce. I did mention counseling a few times but she's brushed it off as if it was "hocus pocus kumbaya touchy-feely" nonsense. 



What should I do? Thank you so much for listening and taking the time to read.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

asdf1234 said:


> now my 4 y/o daughter is yelling at me imitating her. I've told her many times to start showing me some respect and treat me like a human being. I fear my daughter is losing respect for me, also, because she always says mommy is right and often hits me.
> 
> What should I do? Thank you so much for listening and taking the time to read.
> 
> Kevin


And you allow both of them to treat you like this because...?

People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Start standing up for yourself. What's the worst that can happen? She take away sex??? lol She's already done that, so really just live life however you want, do whatever you want and don't take any crap from her. She gave away any leverage she had.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Call it what it really is: you are being abused. She is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Sorry, friend. Looks like you have some tough decisions to make. Most of the female poster here on TAM would tell a woman in your shoes to divorce her husband and not take that kind of treatment. Well, that counts for abused husbands too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Step 1: put a giant ****-eating grin on your face and stop talking to her about anything that means anything. Essentially just pretend to be happy and distract her from anything that has anything to do with you. Use this time to think long and hard about yourself, how you ended up here, and what you want to be. What are you dissapointed in yourself about? Your boundaries? Self-respect? Fitness? Intestinal fortitude? Grit? Go and work on these things for a few weeks -- telling her nothing about this.

Step 2: plan a moment where you and your wife can be alone. Sit her down, look her in the eye, and say what you need to say, simply, and without arguement. Something like "wife, any marriage that I'm going to continue to be a part of includes a wife that respects me, and raises a child that respects her parents. We don't have that." And here's the key -- don't give examples, don't argue, don't debate. Get up and walk the hell away. Arguing with a woman like this is like you bringing a knife to a gun fight. She knows the deal. Refuse to discuss it further unless it's about how she's going to change.

Step 3: if she doesn't change, start acting single (but no other women). Be out, be happy, enjoy your life. Be a great dad -- one on one time with your daughter. Hang with some buddies. Go to the gym. That kind of stuff.

Step 4: if she doesn't respond a month or two after that... well, it's time for "wife, I've been talking to my lawyer about a divorce..."


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## asdf1234 (Nov 16, 2015)

Thank you all for the advice; I've been taking this advice to heart and thinking about my situation and how we can all be happy, whether together or apart. Happy holidays.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

As far a your wife and her bad manners, you have the option of shoving divorce papers in her big mouth and ending the marriage. The problem is you let her get away with it too many times and now what was once a vice is now a habit. Should have nipped it in the bud a long time ago.

Now your kids a different story. I have a daughter that when she was a kid sounded just like her big mouth mother and thought she could get away with her smart ass tongue. I believe in giving a warning just like I got when I was a kid and when that fails, then if it didn't work I got my ass lit up and that's what I did. I lit her butt up and let her know in a real serious way that she will NEVER speak to her father in that manner again. The kid got the message and before anyone her thinks I was abusive...........wrong. I wasn't. It was last resort and if I didn't nip it in the bud real quick it would have gotten worse. 

All in all you don't have to take that kind of crap from your wife and especially your kid. Put a end to it now or pay for it down the road.

One more thing. My ex wife had the same habit with her big mouth and one day I came down to pick up kid up and there was my ex wife with the the mother of all shiners. Yep someone dotted her eye for her shooting big mouth off.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a var and do a recording of her so she can hear herself. Nothing like that for an eye opener.

Start lining up your plan. Threatening leaving without action will get you treated lower.

It's obvious she's in control. The big question is why are you taking it.

I would immediately do the 180 and detach from this Bullsh!t.

She has no respect for you but obviously you have no self respect either or you wouldn't be taking this. 

You have a young child that is being abused too and you've done nothing to stop it? What kind of father are you? You should have Child Services involved immediately. Covering for your abusive wife over your child is inexcusable!!!!!!!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What planning have you actually done. Have you reviewed your states divorce laws and custody guidelines. In a lot of states your wife's behavior towards you may very well be a critical point. 

What will the finances be like if you divorce. 

Never assume the worst and accept it as a reason to stay. There is no reason you should not have 50/50 custody if not more. Don't look at the difficulties to do so. Look at how to make it happen.


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## asdf1234 (Nov 16, 2015)

I have been researching legal separation and working out how finances will be split. I have a pretty comprehensive plan there, but I have a laundry list of things I need to do leading up to that. I don't foresee an issue with custody but my goal is to have it split 50/50. Over the course of the next few months I I will be in a place to make the move, having everything previously lined up.

I do realize I could benefit from some counseling myself, my lack of self-respect hasn't helped me where I'm at today. Looking back my self-respect has been diminished since I've been with my wife.

Thanks for the advice.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

asdf1234 said:


> I have been researching legal separation and working out how finances will be split. I have a pretty comprehensive plan there, but I have a laundry list of things I need to do leading up to that. I don't foresee an issue with custody but my goal is to have it split 50/50. Over the course of the next few months I I will be in a place to make the move, having everything previously lined up.
> 
> I do realize I could benefit from some counseling myself, my lack of self-respect hasn't helped me where I'm at today. Looking back my self-respect has been diminished since I've been with my wife.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


Does your wife agree it's best to divorce? I would assume you have talked to her so you both can try to come up with an agreement. What would bother me most if I were you is her raising your daughter alone since she has some anger and abuse issues. Your goal may be 50/50 but if your wife doesn't want the divorce then she is going to fight you on that.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm in the same situation you're in. My wife is also very verbally abusive and very immature. I wish there was something that I could do about it like being able to say to her that if this keeps up, I'm divorcing you. In my situation that would would mean a lifetime of poverty and I have working too hard for too long to accept a life of handing over all my money to her. This makes any attempt I make at trying to stop this **** not hold water at all. If I can't stop the marriage...or event threaten divorce... or do anything negative to her that would be major enough to get her to stop the ****, it would have worse implication to me than it would to her. Without marriage being a level playing field, women will always be able to get away with terrible behavior like this without men having anything they can do about it.


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