# Married to a high functioning alcoholic.



## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

I had posted this under Relationships and Addictions, but someone told me that it would be better if I posted this here.


I'm married to an alcoholic. Have been for 10 years. I'm done with this. It's over for me. I don't love him anymore. I am going to leave him. I have no money of my own at all. He has drank up most of our savings. We live on Social Security. 

My question is this: My family live completely across the country. I want to move closer to them.

We have joint credit cards. I want to use one of these credit cards to rent a UHaul and drive it cross country. I know we have about $4,000 in a safety deposit box and I want to take enough of that to pay for my gas and motel while I travel cross country.

Could I get into trouble with the law or someone if I do this?????

I know I risk causing my husband to possibly do physical harm to me, but he has never hit me before or anything like that. 

Let me add, that we did seek counseling, however all my husband did is lie to the couselor. So, that didn't work.

I have some experience with alcoholics in my family and I do know that an alcoholic won't get better until "they" are ready, and "they" realize that they have a problem.

I'm done, I'm extremely tired, I'm 64 years old and I will not live out the rest of my life with an alcoholic, and all of the problems that come with alcoholism.

He will not move out. We are renting and we are in the first year of a three year lease. If anyone leaves the home it has to be me. And as I said I have no money of my own. I do not even have my own car. My husband has kept me at his mercy since we've been married....10 years. Before we married I was a very independent woman who had been single for 20 years, and I became insane I think and fell for his line of bull and married him. I have not worked since we married. 

My family live on the West coast and I live on the East coast. I have an elderly mother who needs me. I'm an only child. I have no one here, so it would be best if I moved closer to my mother.

Yes, our credit will be whacked when I leave, because my husband won't stay in this home for the duration of the lease.

If I were to file for divorce here in this state, then one of has to immediately leave the home. That person would have to me be because he won't leave. In this state a divorce IS NOT final for one year. Honestly, I would stay here in this city, because I do like it here, but given my mother is elderly and could use my help I think I need to go back home. I was married once before and my ex husband is deceased, so I would be able to collect $1,400.00 Social Security on him, but not until my divorce is final. I now collect $1,100.00 in Social Security. If I file for divorce in my home state, it only takes 6 weeks for the divorce to be final, then I could collect more Social Security.

I just thought that since the money we have is community money, and we have credit cards in both of our names, why can't I just get a moving truck and charge the move on one of our credit cards. Also, we have about $4,000 in a safety deposit box, so why couldn't I take "enough" of that to pay for the gas and motel while I'm traveling. I do deposit my Social Security check into our joint checking account, so I would be using some of my own money. I do think the move would cost me around $3,000.00.


First of all where I live here there is no such thing as a "Free Consulatation" with an attorney. I called several months ago and it was going to cost me about $225.00 per hour to see an attorney. I called Legal Aid and there was an extremely long "wait" list before I could see an attorney there.

Two: I have no car.

Three: The $3,000 was a quote I received about a year ago to rent the truck, have someone pack up most of the furniture, boxes, etc. Have someone load the truck, unload the truck, pay for the men's labor to do the loading, unloading pay for my gas on the truck, and motels/food, and this was also to cover the cost of the Storage Unit at the destination.
I have since taken another look at this cost and have just today decided that I don't need to take as much as I had originally wanted to take. So, that cost could go down to say 1/2 of that which would be $3,000. I still think that the cost could be more than $3,000 but I'm not sure.

Bear in mind that my husband would be here watching everything I do, meaning if I do all of the packing of the boxes myself, then I will need to go purchase the boxes, etc. How do I get them into our car?????? Since we only have one car, what if my husband sabotaged my efforts and when I needed to use the car to go get the boxes, he drives off for a while. This wouldn't surprise me. Hence, my thought of just having guys come over and pack up what I wanted to take. They would bring the boxes, etc. It would get done much quicker and I could get out of here faster, causing less stress and strain.

We have no debt. We pay our credit cards off each month. We have no auto payments. Our income is about $4,500.00 per month. Trust me it is gone at the end of each month due to drinking. 

I've thought about seeing an attorney, but I didn't want to pay one for a consultation. Yes, I understand about the rent debt, but what else can I do? I have no family who will give me money to make this move????

Yes, I could sit here, take my Social Security money I have deposited in our joint account, and open up another checking account, deposit my $1,100.00 each month to a seperate account and just wait until I have enough money saved, THEN USE THAT MONEY to leave on. The problem with that is all kinds of hell will break loose when my husband finds out I've stopped putting my social security check into our joint account.

As far as receiving the $1,400.00 social security money from my dead ex husband. I've called the Social Security office and I was told that I must be divorced before I can get that money.

In the state of my destination I need to be a resident of that state for 6 weeks before I can file for divorce. I've looked into this and I have found that I CAN FILE in that state on my husband who lives in another state. 

Ok, now the issue with staying here, filing for divorce here. Say my divorce attorney says that my husband leaves the rented home. Ok, he pays the rent, so he stops paying the rent, utilities, etc. Now, where do I go when I get evicted?????????? Yes, I could ask in my divorce if I file here, that my husband give me enough money to move away, also ask for my husband to pay for my $289.00 per month medical insurance until the divorce is final (1 year). Then I could get on Medicaid. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean that a judge would give me any of this. So, then what would I do??????

My mother has told me I could come and stay with her till I find a low income place to live. I will need to seek employment somewhere and get a job.


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## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

I'm the poster.

I know this post sounds rambling, but I was trying to move all of the messages, and answers to questions from the relationship and addiction forum to this forum, so please forgive me for the sounding like I was rambling.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Why not separate your finances for a few months. Deposit your SS money into your own account, and tell your husband you will pay for half rent, utilities, and food.

Tell him you refuse to fund his addiction any longer.

Also, cancel all joint bank accounts and credit cards.

Once you have enough money saved, then make your move. 

This is some mess you've created, btw. 

You are asking a lot of legal questions, which should be answered by a lawyer in your state of residence. I would highly recommend you pony up the $ for a consultation. It might save you in court fees later if you are brought up on any civil or criminal charges...like theft, bank fraud, etc.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Is something preventing you from getting a part-time job *now*?


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## winstonwillie (Mar 18, 2013)

I'm the poster.

Several months ago I told my husband I was going to seek part time work, and that I would ride the public bus system to get to and from.

He went ballistic ! He told me that there was no way he was going to pay more income tax because of me working, and there was no way he would go for me keeping this money as my own.

He wanted to know why I wanted my own job and I told him I wanted to have my own car, and this was the only way I thought I could get one. He had another fit and said that there was no way he'd help make the payments, insurance, upkeep on another car...............especially if I decided to quit, then he'd be stuck with the debt !!

So, I tucked my tail between my legs and gave up.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you always given in to him?

What will happen if you stand up to him?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I've never owned a car that had payments. If I was in your shoes, I'd buy a big beater, downsize my stuff drastically to the point where it fits in the beater, and drive out to take care of your mom.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Have you been to Al Anon meetings yet? Al Anon is for family members of alcoholics. They will help you tremendously with your codependency. They have extensive experience with all the sorts of things you are going through and will go through.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I hate to give advice that I myself cannot execute...but I know there are way out. Try to go to Al Anon, not to find immediate solution but just some support and someone to talk to. Seek local counseling first, they have resources to help you, they do, you just need to ask and make a decision to 'go for it'. I.e. a place to live temporarily until you find your footing, housing just for women who is in the same or similar situation, they offer either for you to stay for free for a short time or you pay a very low rent if you get yourself a job. If you need a job they will assist you to get yourself education and find work and pick yourself up to be independent from there. 

If you really think moving closer to your family will make you feel much better, I also hate to suggest this but it is a solution... sell some of your jewelries if you have. 

I am in the same situation, the different is I am only 37, but I am like a total train wreck for a while now, not a few months but for the last two years. 

Btw, I run an accounting firm. Screw his income tax credit bull****, is that what he cares about? He is using you to his advantage? When you filed your next income tax return, put in 'separate' as the status and file your own tax return, you are in a process of separating, no lying there!


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