# Fish out of Water. Help please.



## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

I am so sad and conflicted with my marriage and don’t know where to go from here.
For me, divorce was never an option….until he opened that door and threatened me a few years ago. I was devastated. Now I am closer to embracing it and it scares the hell out of me.

So many resentments built up over the 12 years married. I don’t want to pick him apart here….I know there are always two sides to the story; my interpretation and his. They are never the same, hence the conflict.

In trying to keep harmony, however, over the years, I found myself increasingly despondent and sad. We have been to Imago therapy, several mc’s in 6 years and most recently, last year, spent $1000 A MONTH on mc. We’ve even been seeing our pastor at church for months. In his mind, it’s all me, I’m the one with the problems, and has no desire to hear when people call him out on things. He talks the talk but can’t seem to walk the walk, in so many words. I can’t even have sex with him anymore, as I feel so bad afterwards. I know this bothers him and helps feed this horrible cycle we are in, but I feel so badly about myself afterwards. I’ve told him I need emotional connection or I can’t have sex and feel like a piece of meat. He treats his friends and strangers better than me.

I’ve read Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, Love Dare among other books and Marriage Builders. 

I guess I am just venting. I feel I have nothing left to give and am so sad. We have 3 kids 10 and under. I have 2 part-time jobs and he works full time (albeit 6 lay offs in 12 years). I really can’t talk about this with anyone and appreciate any feedback or advice.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'd say you've done more than most to repair you marriage. Yet, after all this time it hasn't worked. You know you can't do it alone, it takes two for it to work. You have done more than enough to walk away with your head up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I wonder if after you leave he will be telling eveyone that you are just a 'walk away wife' and has no idea what went wrong.

Have you told him that you are ready to walk?


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

Thanks, Anchorwatch. 
I keep questioning myself to the point I can't see the tree through the forest. I trust my basic instincts, though; I know something is terribly wrong. I've learned love is "not a feeling" it's something you do. I am having trouble with that; I love the feeling of being loved and loving someone, and I have no feelings at all except I am scared to death of not doing the right thing, throwing it all away. I do not suffer from "the grass is greener" syndrome. It's just as hard to mow. I just don't know.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

EleGirl,
Yup, that sounds like something he would say. He plays victim very well, without having to own anything. Amazing to me. 

I have not verbalized my considerations about what to do next. He knows something is going on. I can tell he senses something different, and he is behaving very nice and has sad eyes, however, under that surface is a huge undercurrent. I am petrified. Sounds so pitiful to write that. I've always been a strong, independent person. It would be so much easier without kids, but I am so blessed with them, thank God, something good came out of 12 years.

He keeps sitting down next to me to try and talk. I just can't. I tell him I can't talk right now. I'm afraid of what will come out.

I really don't want to end this way. At all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes I really wish the other spouse would come here and share their point of view.

Does he think he is doing what needs to be done?


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

He absolutely thinks he is doing everything he should be doing. This is part of the problem. I feel like he expects June Cleaver all the time and all he gets is Peggy Bundy (I am far from that!). He demands way too much and I just can't deliver anymore (i.e. folding his shirts specific ways) That phase of marriage where the littlest things bother the other person and sends them up a wall. I feel the same way about certain things, but do not say anything anymore. 

Maybe that's not what you meant. He says he is there emotionalyl, but when sh!t hits that fan (our house almost burned down last year in wildfire), I only hear crickets. I've initiated Love Busters. He poo-pooed it and never followed through. This is common throughout


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Damselfish said:


> He absolutely thinks he is doing everything he should be doing. This is part of the problem. I feel like he expects June Cleaver all the time and all he gets is Peggy Bundy (I am far from that!). He demands way too much and I just can't deliver anymore (i.e. folding his shirts specific ways) That phase of marriage where the littlest things bother the other person and sends them up a wall. I feel the same way about certain things, but do not say anything anymore.


Hey!!! There is only one way to fold a towel… my way!!! I often re-fold towels because this was beat into me by my mother, aunts and grandmother. So I refold towels when someone in the house does not do it right.. I know I know… 

Are you a SAHW? 

If I were a SAHW, if folding his shirts the way he wants them folded bothers you enough to mention it here, well don’t know what to say. If my husband wanted his shirts folded a certain way I’d do it. You have read “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. 

Now on the other hand I don’t do anyone else’s laundry. I work full time outside the home and am the bread winner for my family. I taught my kids how to do their own laundry when they were 10. And my husband did his own.

My point? There might be an out-of-the-box solution to folding his shirts.



Damselfish said:


> Maybe that's not what you meant. He says he is there emotionalyl, but when sh!t hits that fan (our house almost burned down last year in wildfire), I only hear crickets. I've initiated Love Busters. He poo-pooed it and never followed through. This is common throughout


Something seems very sad about all this. I could be wrong but I get the impression that he loves you but he cannot express it in a way that you feel it.

Even though he poo-pooed Love Busters, you could still us the idea.. over time teach him. 
How does he mistreat you?


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. It's good to hear that God is a part of your life. I, too, suspect that he loves you (he's initiating certain things and going to counseling), but he isn't speaking your "love language." Have you guys read Love and Respect or watched the series? Please keep your focus on God like you have been doing. When my husband and I moved away last year, we put God on the backburner. It hasn't turned out well. *Hugs* praying for you and wishing you the best.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

Ele,
I work 2 part time jobs, including weekends, and do all the housework and mow the yard (which I love to do) and manage 3 kids. I just feel like it's never good enough for him. I do his laundry the way he likes, although with everything else going on...it's a pain, but I still do it. My friends tell me to let him do his own laundry... That's not the issue, tho. I'm doing laundry anyway...It's the lack of appreication, I guess. I feel he sees everything I do wrong, and nothing I do right. The nit-picking syndrome. As I write this, I see we need a do-over on the Love Busters. If we keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results...

thanks for helping my thought process! I will ask him to do Love Busters this time and see where that takes it...

I don't feel he mistreats me. Sometimes it seems more like a sibling rivalry. He is very self-rightous and condescending sometimes. He is emotionally unavailable to me. Example, last year our neighborhood was on fire and we had to evacuate. We were driving home when we found this out and had 10 minutes to get in and out while the fire raged in our backyard. I was an utter basket case, hysterical. He was distant and cold to me, I found support with friends and neighbors. Things like that bother me so much. I just wanted him to hug me hard and tell me everything will be okay. His reaction was so opposite of what I needed. That is just one example. Maybe that is just the way he handles emotion, to just shut off? Something I never thought to talk to him about. I just assume it had something to do with me...

thanks for listening. it's helping me a lot.


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## Damselfish (May 21, 2010)

Ramsesgirl,
Thanks so much. I get much of my strength from my faith. I have read Love Dare, but he has not. We have watched Fireproof, but many years ago. 

It seems we are "doing the right things" but nothing is "sticking." 

Is there ever a time when we (all) just "be" together and be happy at the same time? That's what I look forward to, hopefully, one day. Or is marriage this mental all the time? I mean, do we have to work this hard forever? When I am with friends, I am just my fun-loving self. I never feel self conscious and always feel my feelings are important and feel loved. 

I have read (skimmed) Love Languages and I could not decipher mine. I need to study. Thanks for your recommendations, I will look up L&R series you mentioned. I hope you and dh find your way back, too.


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