# Not sure what to do now



## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

I suffer from anxiety issues and it’s only really very recently I’ve discovered that my problem has a real life diagnosis (relationship anxiety disorder). 

It’s caused endless problems in our marriage but my husbands way of dealing with that was that rather than trying to provide support or comfort he would just tell me I was “nuts”. 

For him it was easier just not to tell me something rather than deal with how I would feel if I did know. Obviously this just made my anxieties worse because I'd feel that I was constantly not being told the truth and so went on the vicious circle. 

He'd do something, not tell me, I'd find out, give him a hard time about it, and things would become horrible. I'd feel deceived and would then start wondering and questioning everything. There was never anyone else involved or anything - it’s just that my worries would make me assume the worst all the time.

My husband used to just think I was mad but in actual fact I think he just didn’t understand or know how to help. 

In my head all I actually wanted was to feel secure, feel loved, wanted, special, cared for, that I meant something to him. But of course the way I behaved with the not trusting him, being suspicious etc only pushed him further away. 

So after years of this we came to a point in March/April 2012 where we first separated. 

Obviously I was devastated that things had come to this and this was something that I really didn’t want to happen.

We agreed that my husband could still live in the family home until he got things sorted and in the meantime we could see if we could find a way to resolve things. We also agreed that none of us would see anyone else at this point.

A few months went past, but my husband showed absolutely no interest in me or trying to resolve things whatsoever. It was as if he was pretty much just here until he'd got his own stuff in order.

It was then that I went out with another man - ONE TIME.

Very soon after that my husband decided that he thought us separating had been a mistake. Obviously by then I'd already went out with this other man.

My husband found out but we decided to try to salvage things. It had been trundling along on an "ok" level until a few weeks ago when he told me that he "didn't want to do this anymore". That was it - game over. Incidentally the day he told me was on our 15th wedding anniversary.

At the time that I went out with the other man I firmly believed that my husband and I were over, I thought then that there was no way back, that he’d made up his mind and that was that. How was I ever to know that he would come back to me a couple of months later and say he'd changed his mind.

I feel really angry with myself for being so stupid as to be with someone else and as a result throw away everything that meant something to me.

But the honest truth of that is that I only really wanted some attention from someone, just someone to actually be interested in me for 5 minutes. At the time , and for the few months prior to the separation my husband hardly even spoke to me. I felt really abandoned I suppose and just wanted to feel a bit wanted.

My husband said I should've told him if I felt I needed comfort and attention and yes I probably should have. But it was so hard to even approach him with anything like that after how things had become between us.

I made a HUGE mistake which I'm paying for now with the loss of the one thing that meant the most to me. I am devastated and a totally shell shocked really, but I don’t think there’s anything more I can do. 

The thing my husband keeps coming back to all the time is that we had an agreement (that we wouldn't see anyone else whilst we sorted out the separation) and I broke it so therefore it's mostly all my fault.

I think the fact that my one night "affair" happened over a year ago and that my husband & I still stayed together after this shows that there is still something there between us.

I think he just doesn't know how to deal with this properly and move on in a positive way ......... and I don't know how to help him 

I really don't want this to be "the end" for us after us having come so far and came through so much. It seems such a shame to throw away 15 years for the sake of a couple of hours with a man who meant absolutely nothing to me.

But then I suppose I should have thought of that


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

who diagnosed this relationship anxiety disorder of yours? self diagnosis? a trained health professional? a concerned friend or relative?
Sounds like you and your husband could use some professional couples counseling.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

CheetyCat,

Was this just a simple date, or did you do a ONS with this man?

If it was a one night stand, not only is your H dealing with the fact that you completely broke the agreement, but that somehow the W he has spent 15 years with can just go out and have sex with a guy on the first date. He is probably wondering who the h**l this woman he has been M to really is.

The issues you had prior to the affair (because that is what it was, you were still married and no formal declaration that divorce was coming had been made) were both of your fault.

But your cheating is entirely on you.

Telling him to just get over it, or that you don't consider it as an affair because you felt you were split up, simply won't work.

If you continue to say such things (or expressions of similar sentiment) you will bury your M for sure.

You need to show true remorse and a sincere desire for him to give you another chance. Do not act or imply that you deserve it.

You can start by giving him a true explanation of how you could so quickly and willingly give yourself to another man sexually and break the agreement you had made with your H.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have uou discussed your diagnosis with your husband and how it affected you?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sounds like you slept with your other man?? Did you use protection? Get tested for STDs to protect your husbands health?


I feel very badly for your husband. I hope he is OK. Getting cheated on and deceived to is absolutely awful.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

cheetycat said:


> At the time that I went out with the other man I firmly believed that my husband and I were over, I thought then that there was no way back, that he’d made up his mind and that was that. How was I ever to know that he would come back to me a couple of months later and say he'd changed his mind.(


I'll be honest with you, this is a VERY LAME excuse. You see, what you are doing is justifying your extra-marital activities. You and your husband apparently had an agreement not to do this and you did it anyway ... makes it even worse.

You need to stop making excuses and start showing true remorse to your husband.

PS: I am assuming this was a date involving sex, kissing, or fondling of some sort.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Echoing above. Men are territorial.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Relationship anxiety disorder. You will not find that in the DSM, just like co-dependency, and sexual addiction. 

I suspect that you have excessive jealousy, overly needy, "push pull" behavior, to name a few and typically impulsivity as well. Then during the "separation" you cheated. What is amazing to me is that you set rules and you broke them.

I have said this before in other posts, that separation is not a good thing in many cases. I have seen this too many times where one or the other goes out and finds someone. One or the other gives themselves permission. In most cases there were no rules, in your case there were rules and you broke them.

I could beat you up more but it will do no good at this point. 

My wife cheated on me for a while and with several guys. I am in R because she came clean dn repented. About two months ago she became sick. Nasua, dizzyness, constant ear ringing, seeing images, etc. Frankly, it has gotten old. I have not told her this but that is a fact. She cheated for years, comes clean and then gets sick and I am the one holding the bag (so to speak). I know she feels bad about this, but WTH. She comes back to me and now I am stuck with a woman who is having an illness, yet to be diagnosed, who this weekend spent quite a bit of it in bed.

I am sharing this with you to give you another perspective that may be right or I might be off the mark. Your husband puts up with your anxiety disorder. Calls you nuts. I get it. Might be insensitive but it is how he is dealing with it. But he deals with it in his own way. You may not like it, but frankly he does not like your anxiety disorder. Then you cheat. And it is not mostly all your fault, it is all your fault.

You sound sincere, and if you shared everything he needs to know about your affair then the only thing you can do is to be honest, don't lie about anything, tell him you are sorry, and be there for him. You can help him heal.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> I really don't want this to be "the end" for us after us having come so far and came through so much. It seems such a shame to throw away 15 years for the sake of a couple of hours with a man who meant absolutely nothing to me.
> 
> But then I suppose I should have thought of that


Yes, you should have.

You had an agreement. You broke it. If you thought it was over you should have told him how you felt and changed the agreement.

Nothing you can do now but ask his forgiveness, express your desire to save the marriage, demonstrate remorse when you have the chance; and hope he changes his mind. Give him some time but you shouldn't have to wait forever.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

She bolted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> My husband said I should've told him if I felt I needed comfort and attention and yes I probably should have.


What? Seriously? And risk having him dismiss you as "nuts" again?

Your husband should sue someone. It's clear that someone sold him a dictionary that didn't have the word "supportive" in it.

For someone with an anxiety disorder having their supposedly loving spouse keep dismissing their problem as them being "nuts" would tend to ramp up their anxiety and tend to worsen their condition.

Counselling might be of benefit, especially if their is some concentration on how your husband can help you with your anxiety disorder.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

Maneo said:


> who diagnosed this relationship anxiety disorder of yours? self diagnosis? a trained health professional? a concerned friend or relative?
> Sounds like you and your husband could use some professional couples counseling.


A bit of both really. I have generalised anxiety disorder as diagnosed by my GP and have been taking medication on and off over the past few years for this. I'm not particularly anxious in the way that some anxiety disorders manifest themselves such as fear of leaving the house, fear of having an accident etc - mine only seems to be constant worries within my relationship. Recently I'd been looking up some stuff hoping to find some self help techniques and discovered that there is actually a recognised branch of general anxiety disorder called relationship anxiety. The description fits my situation perfectly.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> What? Seriously? And risk having him dismiss you as "nuts" again?
> 
> Your husband should sue someone. It's clear that someone sold him a dictionary that didn't have the word "supportive" in it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for seeming to understand where I'm coming from with this. The whole reason I didn't discuss how I felt with him was through fear of further rejection that I just couldn't have coped with at the time. 
Sadly I think it's probably now too late for any counselling - he just doesn't want to find a way back in any form whatsoever.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

cheetycat said:


> - he just doesn't want to find a way back in any form whatsoever.


Good for him. I don't blame him one bit. Not that you are a bad person or anything. But with what you did he has every right to kick you to the curb.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Have uou discussed your diagnosis with your husband and how it affected you?


Yes I have. I tried to discuss it with him a couple of years ago but I don't think he really understood it all. I have again tried to explain it all to him since this whole mess started but he just keeps telling me I "should have done something about it years ago"


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Good for him. I don't blame him one bit. Not that you are a bad person or anything. But with what you did he has every right to kick you to the curb.





ironman said:


> I'll be honest with you, this is a VERY LAME excuse. .


I'd came on this forum in the hope of finding some positive help and information on where I could possibly begin to make amends for what I've done.

I didn't expect to be reduced to tears again by some of the comments.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Good for him. I don't blame him one bit. Not that you are a bad person or anything. But with what you did he has every right to kick you to the curb.


I would like more details of how things really went down before making a judgement call either way, to be honest.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> I'd came on this forum in the hope of finding some positive help and information on where I could possibly begin to make amends for what I've done.
> 
> I didn't expect to be reduced to tears again by some of the comments.


There are some people on TAM who mistake every wayward for their own wayward. And attack accordingly, sad to say.

Stick with it and ignore the less than helpful comments.

And whilst you should not have had any dates during that time, people who are under stress can tend to make bad decisions and mess up. 

Your marriage was under strain for a long time, possibly, you thought, because your husband was cheating on you. Or, at the very least, being secretive and underhanded and dishonest. (Did he ever explain why?)

Both of you must accept some responsibility for what went wrong in your marriage.

These people will, hopefully, be able to help both of you http://www.relationships-scotland.org.uk/


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

I made a poor judgement call partly influenced by my other "issues". Hindsight is a very great thing and if I'd thought for one minute at that time that there was still a way back for us then of course I would NEVER have done what I did. I'm not that person.

I worshipped my husband, was only desperate for his love. I thought it was over, I thought he didn't want me anymore, and I just wanted to feel wanted for a little while. 

I made a mistake, I'm absolutely devastated that I've lost the thing most important to me and I'd go to the ends of the earth and back to make things right again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> I made a poor judgement call partly influenced by my other "issues". Hindsight is a very great thing and if I'd thought for one minute at that time that there was still a way back for us then of course I would NEVER have done what I did. I'm not that person.
> 
> I worshipped my husband, was only desperate for his love. I thought it was over, I thought he didn't want me anymore, and I just wanted to feel wanted for a little while.
> 
> I made a mistake, I'm absolutely devastated that I've lost the thing most important to me and I'd go to the ends of the earth and back to make things right again.


I hope you two can sort out your issues and get back together if that's a desirable outcome for both of you.

How did you meet your date? Someone you knew? They can target vulnerable women or men who are separated.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I was not trying to be mean.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blacksmith01 said:


> I was not trying to be mean.


I know you weren't.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> you thought, because your husband was cheating on you. Or,at the very least, being secretive and underhanded and dishonest. (Did he ever explain why?)


I liken my issue to "angels" and "demons" - when the "angel" is sitting on my shoulder I'm pretty much 99% sure that he has never actually cheated on me. But when the "demon" gets in my head I convince myself that he is doing so at every opportunity.

He told me that the reason he is dishonest and secretive or just plain doesn't tell me things is that he finds it easier to do that than to deal with the consequences of me taking a given scenario completely out of context and making up my own conclusions. And then having to deal with the accusations of having done something that he didn't do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> I liken my issue to "angels" and "demons" - when the "angel" is sitting on my shoulder I'm pretty much 99% sure that he has never actually cheated on me. But when the "demon" gets in my head I convince myself that he is doing so at every opportunity.
> 
> *He told me that the reason he is dishonest and secretive or just plain doesn't tell me things is that he finds it easier to do that *than to deal with the consequences of me taking a given scenario completely out of context and making up my own conclusions. And then having to deal with the accusations of having done something that he didn't do.


Yikes. So your husband genuinely, really thought that a marriage based on his dishonesty, his secretive behaviour and his non-communication with his wife actually had a chance of succeeding? :wtf: :slap: :banghead:


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

I guess so. But again I never really thought of it like that as he pretty much always said that if I wasn't the way I was then he wouldn't have to keep things from me.

And I suppose he didn't quite fully understand that by doing so it was just exacerbating my anxiety problem.

A vicious circle that we both became trapped in and let get completely out of control.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> He told me that the reason he is dishonest and secretive or just plain doesn't tell me things is that he finds it easier to do that than to deal with the consequences of me taking a given scenario completely out of context and making up my own conclusions. And then having to deal with the accusations of having done something that he didn't do.


Have to laugh at this kind of reasoning.
It's like explaning the water.
He tell you he lies and hide becuase he doesn't want the consequences. And then believes it to be a valid reason!!!

Friend, everyone lies to get a desired outcome! Avoiding consequences is just one of them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Have to laugh at this kind of reasoning.
> It's like explaning the water.
> He tell you he lies and hide becuase he doesn't want the consequences. And then believes it to be a valid reason!!!
> 
> Friend, everyone lies to get a desired outcome! Avoiding consequences is just one of them.


Unless he was having an affair or affairs?

One of the UK's largest cheating affairs websites ran a survey. The majority of their members (all cheaters, please bear that in mind!) said that whilst they thought it was OK for them to cheat if they found their spouse cheating on them, they would instigate a divorce on the grounds of adultery.

They can forgive themselves but not their spouse.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Unless he was having an affair or affairs?


When I've got my "angel" head on I honestly, truly don't think so. But on the other hand my "demon" says maybe he was


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> When I've got my "angel" head on I honestly, truly don't think so. But on the other hand my "demon" says maybe he was


And my 56 years of life say that maybe he was cheating. Or was involved in something you would not have approved of? :scratchhead:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

It's never a good sign when your first few sentences are all blameshifts to your spouse. Accountability is key in recovery. Start there.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Where did you meet your OM ? Does your husband know him ? Are you still in contact ? How long did you know him before the ONS ? Has this A been exposed to his other half and/or family ? Has your husband asked you for details of exactly what happened ? Have you been completely transparent with him ? All of these will make a difference to your husband.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> Where did you meet your OM ? Does your husband know him ? Are you still in contact ? How long did you know him before the ONS ? Has this A been exposed to his other half and/or family ? Has your husband asked you for details of exactly what happened ? Have you been completely transparent with him ? All of these will make a difference to your husband.


The other guy I was with works in the same place as me but in a different department. Although we both still work there I very rarely ever see him (about perhaps 6 times in the space of the past year) and we no longer speak to each other even if we do happen to pass in a corridor for example.

He is single and my husband does not know him.

Yes my husband did ask me loads of questions about the whole scenario and I admit I was a bit reluctant to answer them at first. But I then realised that this was doing more harm than good and have since answered every question fully and have told him everything about that night.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

illwill said:


> It's never a good sign when your first few sentences are all blameshifts to your spouse. Accountability is key in recovery. Start there.


I must admit, I failed to notice that. I re-read the first few sentences, and guess what? Still didn't notice what you claimed to notice.

What she did point out was she and her husband were both responsible for damaging their marriage.

The date/ONS/whatever was a separate issue which occurred later, when they had separated. And CC has already admitted that she did wrong there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> The other guy I was with works in the same place as me but in a different department. Although we both still work there I very rarely ever see him (about perhaps 6 times in the space of the past year) and we no longer speak to each other even if we do happen to pass in a corridor for example.
> 
> He is single and my husband does not know him.
> 
> Yes my husband did ask me loads of questions about the whole scenario and I admit I was a bit reluctant to answer them at first. But I then realised that this was doing more harm than good and have since answered every question fully and have told him everything about that night.


A separated woman living by herself? Easy prey.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

_"A few months went past, but my husband showed absolutely no interest in me or trying to resolve things whatsoever. It was as if he was pretty much just here until he'd got his own stuff in order.

It was then that I went out with another man - ONE TIME.

Very soon after that my husband decided that he thought us separating had been a mistake."_

Cheety, here's the thing. You did what thousands and thousands of other women do when they are isolated, ignored, and feel insecure by their husband's actions. You can feel it was a mistake, but don't go overboard beating yourself up. 
When a man plays it like he did, he's playing Russian roulette. How may of the gals that try out or make the Dallas Cheerleader team would sit around waiting for their old man to make up his mind if he wanted to stay with them?


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> A separated woman living by herself? Easy prey.


It probably was. I'm being completely honest and what I'm going to say may make me sound like someone cheap and immoral but I only wanted to feel a bit comforted. I probably would have accepted a bit of attention from anyone - that's how little the other guy meant to me.

I was so down at that point because my husband had asked me to agree to this separation which I truly did not want. I don't think I mentioned earlier that this was a proper legal separation done through the solicitors etc - it wasn't just a "let's split up for a bit" thing. 

The reasoning my husband gave for doing it that way was that although he felt that the marriage was falling apart he still hoped we could work things out but in case we didn't then everything was all in place for both of us from a legal/financial/property point of view.

It was a very stressful and upsetting time that I handled completely the wrong way and subsequently made more of a mess of than was there to start with.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sure you did not. You have very different perspective than me. I'm proud to say. I saw excuses for her behavior, before she even got into the issue. Oh i'm not bitter, bro. Check my posts. But, what i am is a person who does not make excuses for cheating. Ever. I will not thread jack further and i wish the op the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

illwill said:


> I'm sure you did not. You have very different perspective than me. I'm proud to say. I saw excuses for her behavior, before she even got into the issue. Oh i'm not bitter, bro. Check my posts. But, what i am is a person who does not make excuses for cheating. Ever. I will not thread jack further and i wish the op the best.


The more CC posts, the more questionable her husband's actions, to be frank.

I think CC might have been his plan b.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I think CC might have been his plan b.


My friend, one of only two people I've discussed the whole thing with , says that too.

I think it's because she can see the whole timeline of events more clearly than I do. In brief it's went like this - 

March/April 2012 when he first asked me to agree to a legal separation. Part of the agreement was that he could continue to live in the family home until he'd gotten things sorted out.

July 2012 when I went out with the other guy that one time.

August 2012 when my husband told me he thought the whole separation thing had been a mistake and he wanted to "try again".

September 2012 when the infidelity issue came out in the open.

October 2012 when my husband came in one day and told me he'd bought another house.

April 2013 when he actually started living in his house about 50% of the time saying he "needed some space".

August 2013 when he told me he didn't want to do it anymore and moved out for good.


I see it all as having been 18 months of trying to save a marriage which initially had it's problems due to my anxiety issues which then disintegrate further due to my infidelity mistake. My friend just sees it as me having been kept in the picture long enough to make the transition smoother for him. I've asked him this and he swears that was never the case, that he always wanted to try to save things but now realises he will never "get over it".

I honestly don't know who's right and it's breaking my heart not knowing the answers.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> It was a very stressful and upsetting time that I handled completely the wrong way and subsequently made more of a mess of than was there to start with.


You blew it. The fact you know it is good for you to see, acknowledge and learn from it.

Now answer the question.

So you broke your promise and went out with the OM.

Did you have sex with him?

HM


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> You blew it. The fact you know it is good for you to see, acknowledge and learn from it.
> 
> Now answer the question.
> 
> ...


She said "her infidelity" so I am betting that she did. By her timeline it appears that her husband did not waste too much time after learning of her cheating. Some guys just cannot get over physical cheating. For me that has always been the only reason I would definitely leave my marriage - no questions asked - I would be gone. And I told my wife this before we married. Sorry to say that with both of them agreeing to "no dating" while separated, he sees her actions as cheating and has reacted according to his beliefs and morals.

And for those that question the husbands behavior and his reactions to her accusations and behavior prior to the separation, just let me say I've been there and done that. My wife was much the same for about 8 years. It drove me nuts. I tried talking to her - got nothing but anger and accusations. I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. So eventually I just shut down out of frustration and probably as a method of self protection. Honestly, if not for the kids, separation or divorce would have looked pretty good to me around that time. Thankfully we worked through it and are still together.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Some guys just cannot get over physical cheating.
> 
> Thankfully we worked through it and are still together.


I think this is probably the case for my husband - although part of me thinks that he just doesn't WANT to work through it rather than that he CAN'T.

I'm glad you managed to get through your problems. I realise now what a strain I've been putting on our marriage by behaving the way I did. Unfortunately I have very little control over the "demons" in my head. I now know what is wrong with me and that it's a real problem, not just that I'm "crazy". Had I realised that long ago then of course I would have done whatever I could to help change it. Now that I do know I've been seeking professional help and am currently waiting to start therapy to help deal with my "issues". Sadly it seems it's too little, too late as far as my marriage is concerned


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The way he presumably looks at it is that it doesn't matter whether he won't or can't -- the two of you had an agreement and you broke it. Outside sex is a deal breaker for many men. Learn from it and move on. That's really all you can do at this point.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am always amused how putting a quasi-medical label on a behavior seems to excuse the behavior's consequences...It's somehow ok to act a fool with a label of "relationship anxiety" but not ok to act a fool with a label of "crazy, Not otherwise specified". How about it is not OK to act a fool period?

OP, you say you (wrongly?) accused your spouse on multiple occassions and this finally got to the point of incredible dysfunction in the marriage. He asks for a trial separation with clear rules. You have an affair and his reaction is to chuck the marriage and move on.

Won't work through it---- can't work through it-- it doesn't matter. He has chosen to not put up with the dysfunction and adultery. It sounds like he was willing to make another attempt until your affair was discovered. Seems quite justifiable to me. Even now you are trying to shift blame to him. because he is unwilling to "work through it" Now you're ascribing nefarious motive to his attempt at reconciliation during the trial separation.

Infidelity is a deal breaker for many men. He doesn't owe you another chance. Work on your self and make this transition to single status as smooth as possible. Who knows. If he sees you functioning better, he might even reconsider.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Outside sex is a deal breaker for many men. Learn from it and move on. That's really all you can do at this point.


Cheaty may feel bad and probably does. I said above that she shouldn't go overboard with it. What would the advise be if Cheaty was some guy whose wife wanted a separation, called him nuts, ignored him, showed no interest in him or fixing the problem? How many guys, being ignored for months on end, because his wife needed to work on her problems, would turn down a offer from a hotty at work? 
As much as some of you say she cheated on her husband/marriage, I'll argue she didn't have a real husband to cheat on. Real husbands are leaders and comforters. They don't put their wives on ignore, want a separation, and run and hide when she has problems. Want your wife to find another man? Put her on the shelve and tell her to stay there until you're ready for her.
My advise to Cheaty is cut this dude loose. She can lean on him about as much as a $1 flea market walking stick.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Thank you for your honest reply, CC. Okay, firstly I think you understand that you handled the need for attention badly and a ONS with a co-worker (of sorts) is never a good idea and not only do you recognise this, but appear to be genuinely remorseful. However, while this might be a contributing factor to your husband's behaviour, there might be more to this than meets the eye at first. Lets take out the "date" from the timeline for a minute and examine the timeline again - it certainly would appear that your husband had this planned already for whatever reason. Finding out about your infidelity just added to the justification. He moved too quickly and assuredly towards buying and moving into another house - you both really need to find out why (honestly) - maybe counselling will help you both do this (MC and IC). I think if you get to the bottom of this you will either have a chance at R or else, at least, closure (i.e. you do not beat yourself up about it and you husband may have had other issues). I really hope you are able to work this out.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Cheaty may feel bad and probably does. I said above that she shouldn't go overboard with it. What would the advise be if Cheaty was some guy whose wife wanted a separation, called him nuts, ignored him, showed no interest in him or fixing the problem? How many guys, being ignored for months on end, because his wife needed to work on her problems, would turn down a offer from a hotty at work? All the "real men"As much as some of you say she cheated on her husband/marriage, I'll argue she didn't have a real husband to cheat on. Real husbands are leaders and comforters. They don't put their wives on ignore, want a separation, and run and hide when she has problems. We'll have to agree to disagree. Real men work on their marriage and try to reconcile when reconciliation seems possible. Real men can and do ask for trial separations when it is in the best interest of resolving the conflict, whether that is R or D. They make agreements regarding the seperation and stick to them. Want your wife to find another man? Put her on the shelve and tell her to stay there until you're ready for her I have no problem with Cheaty ending her relationship with her hubby and finding a new man. But an affair is not acceptable[/COLOR
> My advise to Cheaty is cut this dude loose. Fortunately, she doesn't have to. Hyubby already has. She can lean on him about as much as a $1 flea market walking stick.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

For the sake of argument KanDo, lets take her original post at face value. 

She said her husbands way of dealing with her problems was to tell her she's nuts.

She said she was was constantly not being told the truth.

She said he'd do something and not tell her making her assume the worst all the time.

She said she behaved with the not trusting him, being suspicious etc. (What do we tell others that suspicious? Trust your gut)

Is this the kind of cat you'd want your daughter or sister married to? Not me. 
Yep its true this is one side of the story. But if its accurate, I'd hate to see what he would do if she had a debilitating injury. She needs to let him go. Besides, with his actions, it wouldn't be hard to imagine he was playing on the side.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I'll argue she didn't have a real husband to cheat on."

ThePhoenix,

A fair enough point.

But then just end the M.

Engaging in adultery solves nothing, and instead just makes a situation much worse and more difficult to fix.

There is simply no justification for it when there are other, better, options


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

cheetycat said:


> I think this is probably the case for my husband - although part of me thinks that he just doesn't WANT to work through it rather than that he CAN'T.
> 
> I'm glad you managed to get through your problems. I realise now what a strain I've been putting on our marriage by behaving the way I did. Unfortunately I have very little control over the "demons" in my head. I now know what is wrong with me and that it's a real problem, not just that I'm "crazy". Had I realised that long ago then of course I would have done whatever I could to help change it. Now that I do know I've been seeking professional help and am currently waiting to start therapy to help deal with my "issues". Sadly it seems it's too little, too late as far as my marriage is concerned


Sometimes we just can't get past it. The heart is ripped out of our chest and then thrown into the fire. Some men have commented on the hurt for many many years.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> But then just end the M. Engaging in adultery solves nothing, and instead just makes a situation much worse and more difficult to fix.
> There is simply no justification for it when there are other, better, options


True a better option would have been divorce. And perhaps he, as well as her, should have considered that when he wanted a separation but still wanted to hang around the family home with his nonchalant/, your on your own, activities in her face. (reminding her daily, "hey, I only live here so don't depend on me")
She may have went on this "blind" date, but he went out of his way to set it up.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your anxiety issues make it hard for both of you. You don't react to things in a healthy way, and he reacts to that in ways that only further fuel the anxiety. Independent of your infidelity, you two would have continued to have serious problems, in my opinion.

I hope you have the option of good therapy. With our without your H, you need to learn to treat the anxiety so that you can live your life. Cut your losses with your H and work on yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Keep working on your self, it will always pay.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yikes. So your husband genuinely, really thought that a marriage based on his dishonesty, his secretive behaviour and his non-communication with his wife actually had a chance of succeeding? :wtf: :slap: :banghead:


MattMatt, you're definitely one of the brighter people on this site, but, just as you state some people on here look at every wayward as their wayward and attack accordingly, sometimes, I feel you do the same when there's a possible mental issue with the wayward and you justify and protect accordingly.

Was the husband's response (his secretive behavior was a REACTION, not a good one, but don't dismiss the catalyst) to Cheety's actions.

If someone keeps pounding on you, you'll eventually behave in a way to removes the pounding. His lieing is very pavlovian. Again, very weak of him, but many men, unfortunately fall into a thought process of pacification instead of integrity.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And my 56 years of life say that maybe he was cheating. Or was involved in something you would not have approved of? :scratchhead:


I'm not saying this to be snide or anything. I'm truly wondering if I missed something.

Aside from the husband lieing or omitting to avoid interrogation and accusations....what else points to the husband cheating.

I think it's a leap if that is the only reason. Not that it would be unheard of, but definitely a leap.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Cheaty may feel bad and probably does. I said above that she shouldn't go overboard with it. What would the advise be if Cheaty was some guy whose wife wanted a separation, called him nuts, ignored him, showed no interest in him or fixing the problem? How many guys, being ignored for months on end, because his wife needed to work on her problems, would turn down a offer from a hotty at work?
> As much as some of you say she cheated on her husband/marriage, I'll argue she didn't have a real husband to cheat on. Real husbands are leaders and comforters. They don't put their wives on ignore, want a separation, and run and hide when she has problems. Want your wife to find another man? Put her on the shelve and tell her to stay there until you're ready for her.
> My advise to Cheaty is cut this dude loose. She can lean on him about as much as a $1 flea market walking stick.


I agree her husband has been an awful husband. Plain and simple. But she also has issues with this marriage that she's going to need to work through if she hopes to have any meaningful relationships going forward.

1. Don't dismiss her cheating. It is what it is and she's owned up to it. She could've just divorced him and still lived in the same house if she wanted to move forward.

2. Don't dismiss her husband's bad behavior. He is obviously not someone cut out to be married to a woman with "problems" and needs to get his own help.

3. Don't dismiss the other issues Cheety needs to address within herself. Sorry but "relationship anxiety" in a 15 year marriage....to me it sounds like she has trust issues and needs to deal with it. But her having trust issues puts too much responsibility on HER. So "relationship anxiety" is so much less her control....

Cheety, move on. Divorce your husband, you two are terrible for each other. Learn from your mistakes and seek help for the other issues.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> If someone keeps pounding on you, you'll eventually behave in a way to removes the pounding. His lieing is very pavlovian. Again, very weak of him, but many men, unfortunately fall into a thought process of pacification instead of integrity.


This narrative, for what we know, is only in your head.
Husband could be this way before even meeting her which made him a difficult partner to be with anyway. If you add OP's confessed issues then we had a disaster coming since the very beggining.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Acabado said:


> This narrative, for what we know, is only in your head.
> Husband could be this way before even meeting her which made him a difficult partner to be with anyway. If you add OP's confessed issues then we had a disaster coming since the very beggining.


I totally agree. He could've been conflict averse from day 1. But that doesn't change my point. These two are an AWFUL pair for each other. Whether he was a run and hide kind of guy early or developed it as a coping mechanism, it's the reality. 

These two peoples negative attributes feed each other. They shouldn't be married. I'm amazed they made it 15 years frankly, but that would make me believe her husband was conflict averse from day 1...hence why he didn't try and divorce.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I totally agree. He could've been conflict averse from day 1. But that doesn't change my point. These two are an AWFUL pair for each other. Whether he was a run and hide kind of guy early or developed it as a coping mechanism, it's the reality.
> 
> These two peoples negative attributes feed each other. *They shouldn't be married.* I'm amazed they made it 15 years frankly, but that would make me believe her husband was conflict averse from day 1...hence why he didn't try and divorce.


He's filing for D, so they probably won't be.



I agree, that if her stbxh was already cheating when she had cheated on him - It would be shinning a whole new light on what she has written so far.

She never said that she had any hard evidence that he has cheated.

Does he sound like a nice guy? No. Should he give Cheetycat a 2nd chance? He thinks not.

Does CheetyCat deserve a 2nd chance? I'm not sure, but I will almost guaranty he won't if she has the kind of attitude I see when I read some of her posts.

CheetyCat, you've given a lot of reasons to why you strayed that night. Many of us see your reasons as being more like excuses. I would bet that your husband will see the same thing.

I'm not suggesting that you start kissing his boots to get him to come back. But you can't approach this like you were both lawyers meeting in a trial. Presenting arguments and evidence for your side of the case.

Maybe you should just(in your own words), tell him that you thought that he was done and the marriage was over. You went on the date. You were physical with the OM. Later, your husband asked you if you could try working on the marriage again. You were so happy about trying again and yet at the same time so sad because of the date you went on. Go from there. Keep it simple and honest.

You can only tell him how you feel. Whether he decides to try again is going to be completely up to him. He may say no. He may say no and tell you later on yes. What ever his choice is, you can't start pleading your case if you don't agree. It's not going to change his mind and will only serve to push him further away.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear cheetycat,

You have received some very good advice on this thread but also some very bad advice. Regarding the latter, some of the responses suggest that your H is partly if not mostly to blame for your cheating, that it was his "dishonesty" that caused the problems in your marriage, that he may have cheated on you, that you are your H's "plan B" and even that he somehow set you up to cheat. This is unfortunate and represents a total rewriting of what you said in your OP. 

I think you demonstrate a better understanding of the issues in and the reason for the apparent end of your marriage than many of the people who have posted on this thread. As you acknowledged, your H is breaking up with you because you broke your promise, given twice -- first in your marriage vows and then when the two of you agreed to separate -- to be faithful. Whatever problems you faced in your personal life or marriage, you are 100% responsible for your infidelity. I am disappointed to read a number of posts that suggest that, somehow, your H is to blame for your decision to cheat. He is not, whatever else he may be to blame for.

In your OP, you mentioned your anxiety disorder as a major contributing factor to your marital problems and separation but, admirably, did not offer it as an excuse for your cheating. Indeed, you admitted that the reason you cheated with the OM was because you desired his attention.

While you complained about your H not reacting appropriately to your anxiety disorder and even exacerbating it for much of your marriage, you admitted that your anxiety problems were largely the cause of the sorry state of your marriage prior to your separation. Moreover, while you tried to rationalize your cheating as the result of your feeling that your H no longer cared about you, I believe you realize that this is a very poor excuse because you were honest enough to recognize that it was you who threw _"everything away"_ and you even said that you are angry at yourself for having done so.

As to your H's failure to be completely honest with you, you did not attribute this to any inappropriate behavior on his part (and certainly not as giving you any reason to believe that he has been unfaithful) but attributed it to it his desire to avoid having to deal with your anxiety problems. You also said that your H dealt with your anxiety problem the way he did because _"he just didn’t understand or know how to help."
_
While you wish that your marriage would not have to end over a _"one night 'affair' [that] happened over a year ago"_ and _"a couple of hours with a man who meant absolutely nothing to [you],"_ and though you regret that you H _"doesn't know how to deal with this properly and move on in a positive way,"_ you were honest enough to realize that you _"should have thought of that"_ before you cheated.

I was pleased to see that you initially rejected others' attempts to blame your H but, eventually, you began to adopt them as your own thinking. Thankfully, after more reflection, you seem to have come back to the recognition that your marriage problems are largely the result of your issues and not of your H's plan to make you his "plan B." In any event, KanDo, Dyokemm, harry brown and Daddy&Hubby, in their posts, thoroughly demolished the arguments of those who would blame your H.

IMO, the best advice you have received is GROUNDPOUNDER's which, if I may, I would paraphrase as follows:

What's done is done; you can't change it. All you can do now is be honest with your H about what you did and how you felt at the time.

Don't offer excuses but rather apologize for what you did and tell him how sorry you are every chance you get.

Do tell him that you love him very much and would like to have another chance.

If he gives you another chance, do everything possible to help him rebuild his self-esteem and get help for you own problems.

If he doesn't, get help for your problems anyway, learn from this and move on with your life as best you can.

Wishing you and your H the best possible outcome.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> While you complained about your H not reacting appropriately to your anxiety disorder and even exacerbating it for much of your marriage, you admitted that your anxiety problems were largely the cause of the sorry state of your marriage prior to your separation. Moreover, while you tried to rationalize your cheating as the result of your feeling that your H no longer cared about you, I believe you realize that this is a very poor excuse because you were honest enough to recognize that it was you who threw _"everything away"_ and you even said that you are angry at yourself for having done so.
> 
> 
> While you wish that your marriage would not have to end over a _"one night 'affair' [that] happened over a year ago"_ and _"a couple of hours with a man who meant absolutely nothing to [you],"_ and though you regret that you H _"doesn't know how to deal with this properly and move on in a positive way,"_ you were honest enough to realize that you _"should have thought of that"_ before you cheated.
> ...


Nice try but no cigar. When her husband virtually abandoned her let her to go fend for herself, and withdrew from the marriage, its like leaving your new Vette in a bad part of town because you're too lazy to change the flat. 
Not to say she's totally unaccountable for giving into temptation, but if hubby had a little more wherewithal to not turn his back to do his own thing, her "indiscretion" may not have occurred. 
Marriage is like a lot of other things in the world. If you fail to carry your end of the load, the other person may fail to carry theirs. ( and unfortunately will often look for someone who will. Like my great granddaddy would say, "C'est la vie Mesdames et Messieurs" )


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Nice try but no cigar. When her husband virtually abandoned her let her to go fend for herself, and withdrew from the marriage, its like leaving your new Vette in a bad part of town because you're too lazy to change the flat.
> Not to say she's totally unaccountable for giving into temptation, but if hubby had a little more wherewithal to not turn his back to do his own thing, her "indiscretion" may not have occurred.
> Marriage is like a lot of other things in the world. If you fail to carry your end of the load, the other person may fail to carry theirs. ( and unfortunately will often look for someone who will. Like my great granddaddy would say, "C'est la vie Mesdames et Messieurs" )


ThePheonix,

What you are saying is classic blame-shifting -- "I wouldn't have had to cheat on you if you would have done something differently."

It's a great way to justify adultery. It's not a helpful POV for a WS who wants to save his or her marriage.

I think cheetycat gets it. I guess you don't.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Getting a little into the ole ad hominem style aren't you Carm? I never said cheating was right choice. But the reality is desperate people do desperate things. When one spouse treats the other badly, especially over a period of time, the other often seeks comfort elsewhere in a possible variety of ways including cheating. Doesn't make it the best option, but it happens.
This dude, in my judgement, based on the information presented, treated her badly and she chose that route. Nevertheless, he ain't qualified to wear the good guy hat because she cheated. 

In the final analysis, I will stand by my opinion his actions opened himself up to have things go south.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Good for him. I don't blame him one bit. Not that you are a bad person or anything. But with what you did he has every right to kick you to the curb.



I think this is a bit harsh.

What I really think? This is a PERFECT excuse to get out of a marriage he can't handle.

I think there are more ways to end a marriage than just getting a divorce.. it seems like even while they were separated they were not really working on anything, and he was ignoring the situation. She made a stupid decision but can you blame her? She is in the midst of anxiety, on meds.. her H has totally checked out LONG ago.. and now she goes on a date. That's why I think this date was a convenient excuse to permanently leave, if it wasn't this it would probably be something else.

BTW I have never had an affair, my stbx had plenty for the both of us.. 

OP have you been working on yourself? 
Those are my thoughts on what may be going on. I really think you should STOP and concentrate on this anxiety issue. Meaning going to counselling and working on it. The anxiety will not allow you to make rational decisions.. and even if you guys got back together he probably couldn't handle the relationship.

You need to get yourself in order before you can truly decide if you guys should try to R or not.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Nice try but no cigar. When her husband virtually abandoned her let her to go fend for herself, and withdrew from the marriage, its like leaving your new Vette in a bad part of town because you're too lazy to change the flat.
> Not to say she's totally unaccountable for giving into temptation, but if hubby had a little more wherewithal to not turn his back to do his own thing, her "indiscretion" may not have occurred.
> Marriage is like a lot of other things in the world. If you fail to carry your end of the load, the other person may fail to carry theirs. ( and unfortunately will often look for someone who will. Like my great granddaddy would say, "C'est la vie Mesdames et Messieurs" )


There's a BIG HOLE in your case. In a marriage, the Vette has a CHOICE to be stolen. The vette can also choose to remove the current "owner" (even though there's no ownership in marriage) and look to be "bought" by someone else who would care for it more.

Sorry but stop blaming the husband for the cheating. The husband can be blamed for abandonment (ps being described by the CHEATER, who NEVER EVER rewrite history....)

I applaud the OP, there are many times she takes ownership, but come on. 

Does "You better take care of your spouse or someone else will." have a time limit? What's the expiration date as a spouse. OH crud. I kissed my wife goodbye this morning and she's gone 5 hours without me talking with her and she's in a training seminar with a bunch of contractors...she might stray....

You can quote Queen all you want, or just go with the standard "C'est la vie". I prefer things like

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”
― Anne Frank

“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre

“There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.”
― J.K. Rowling

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

“Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others.”
― Confucius


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Getting a little into the ole ad hominem style aren't you Carm? I never said cheating was right choice. But the reality is desperate people do desperate things. When one spouse treats the other badly, especially over a period of time, the other often seeks comfort elsewhere in a possible variety of ways including cheating. Doesn't make it the best option, but it happens.
> This dude, in my judgement, based on the information presented, treated her badly and she chose that route. Nevertheless, he ain't qualified to wear the good guy hat because she cheated.
> 
> In the final analysis, I will stand by my opinion his actions opened himself up to have things go south.


But what were HER actions throughout the marriage. Her "anxiety" didn't play a part in HIS behavior? You can't pick and choose who's actions are justified and who's aren't because you don't know the reality of the situation. Here's what we know. The OP has a perception of her husbands actions and treatment. The OP has admitted some issues she had in the marriage, and the OP cheated when it was agreed they wouldn't. Now given THOSE details, lets see if we can help the OP.

Giving her justification of bad behavior isn't helping.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

CC,

How are you doing ? Have you managed to find the answers you need ? 

Take care.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> I think this is a bit harsh.
> 
> What I really think? This is a PERFECT excuse to get out of a marriage he can't handle.
> 
> ...


Cheating on your spouse and they find out about it comes to mind...

I'm not trying beat up on your point of view, but if her husband was that bad, she could have told him to start working on it, or I'm gone.

I think what many of us are saying/feeling is that regardless of what he, or her, were like before the separation - The rule that they both agreed to was *No Other People*.

Now, I don't know if her husband broke that rule, or not. I do know that CC did. She seems remorseful, but also seems to have tried to justify her breaking the rule.

Regardless of if her husband is an a-hole, there's no valid justification for cheating.

I also have to wonder CheetyCat, why do you want to get back with your husband so badly?... From what you've written so far, he seems like he can get very selfish and unfeeling.

Do you not think that you will be able to meet another man that will suit your wants, needs and desires better? I know you still love him, but from what you've told us he's a hard person to get and stay close to. You seem just the opposite in this category.

This is one department where being on the other sides of the spectrum is not good.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Giving her justification of bad behavior isn't helping.


I made it as clear as I can that cheating is always the wrong course of action. Nevertheless, I don't agree that one size fits all. Like any tort or crime, there are degrees. I don't put a spouse who cheats when they are mistreated in the same pot as one who cheats merely to seek excitement. 
That said, I think Cheaty should limit the self flagellation she does to herself.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

bunny23 said:


> What I really think? This is a PERFECT excuse to get out of a marriage he can't handle.


My two close friends say this too. They say it was all a bit too contrived and that my date with the other man just served to give my husband the excuse he was waiting for. They say that it's obvious he'd just been keeping me in the picture long enough to set up his new life so that he could just walk straight out of our life and straight in to the new one. 

I didn't want to believe that and trusted that what my husband said was true - that he was still staying around to see if things could be worked out. Now I'm not so sure and bearing in mind that he bought his new home around a month after he found out about my date but still lived in my home until almost a year later I wonder if he's just been taking me for a ride ever since he found out.

I guess I may never know. I do know that it hurts though.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I'm not trying beat up on your point of view, but if her husband was that bad, she could have told him to start working on it, or I'm gone.
> 
> I think what many of us are saying/feeling is that regardless of what he, or her, were like before the separation - The rule that they both agreed to was *No Other People*.
> 
> ...


I tried so many times to explain to him what having this anxiety problem was like. I tried many, many times to help him to understand. He never could, he just thought I was crazy. I should probably sought help much earlier, but didn't really know then that help was available. I guess partly he's convinced me that I WAS just crazy.

I know I broke the rule we'd agreed upon and I know that was a terrible, terrible thing to have done. I'm not trying to excuse my actions by saying that I thought there was no way back for me and my husband at that point, but that is truly how I felt. I misjudged that terribly and when, a few weeks later my husband said he wanted us to try again I honestly felt that the bottom had fell out of my world, I knew what I'd done and knew I'd messed up and these words I had been waiting to hear for so long that would've made me so happy now were now tainted with the sadness of knowing that if I'd done the right thing I would've had another chance.

I think I want to be with him so much just because he's the only man I've ever properly loved. I've spent most of my adult life with him, been married to him for 15 years. I don't really know anything much else ad I suppose fear of being alone is a huge factor too - particularly when you have anxiety problems as well.

At this point I couldn't even contemplate thinking about meeting another man. I think I would be too scared that I would get hurt again and probably too worried that this same thing might happen all over again. I think I probably need to live for myself and sort out my issues on my own first before even thinking about that. Or perhaps I'll just get old and die alone? Who knows?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "I'll argue she didn't have a real husband to cheat on."
> 
> ThePhoenix,
> 
> ...


But to many people their spouse just running away and abandoning them is ending the marriage.

Some people need a judge to sign a decree, others just need their spouse to not bother coming back.

But what a coincidence!  Just after one incident of "infidelity" the husband suddenly comes to his senses and says: "Oh, I just realised! It was all a tragic mistake! Let's get back together again! But... wait! You cheated on me!_ gasp!_ Oh, no! This is the end! It's best that we part!"

Does this look a little screwy to you? Almost as if husband was monitoring the situation and making plans all along?:scratchhead:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Quick question Cheaty. Who does the house ya'll live in belong to?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

People that cheat, or mak thinly veiled excuses for cheating, always think cheating is complex. It is not. Whatever excuse that is used, others also have but still don't cheat. It's absolute bull. And trying to blame her husband is pathetic. Keep in mind we are only getting her side, and she is not the most honest person. And even her side of the story doesn't justify what she did. This is not directed at the op, who i am actully rooting for. You seem remorseful. If you want him back get rid of this blameshifting line of thinking.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> CC,
> 
> How are you doing ? Have you managed to find the answers you need ?
> 
> Take care.


Thank You.

It's not been so great. Having read everyone's comments, both good and bad I decided I would make a very frank and genuine written apology to my husband for my part in the breakdown of the relationship. 

In it I assumed full responsibility and accountability for breaking the agreement, expressed my sincere sadness and apologies for hurting him this way and told him of my desire to make amends for my wrongdoings and help him through his healing process in any way I could.

I also apologised for having so many times accused him wrongly of things as a result of my anxiety issues, for how I made him feel by doing so, for the additional strain I put on the relationship by being like this and assured him that I was now doing my utmost to seek proper treatment for these issues in order to overcome them for good.

I explained that whilst I know I don't in any way deserve another chance or deserve his forgiveness I hoped that he could find it in his heart to consider a way forward for us in the relationship. And explained that whilst these were only words it would mean the world to me if he would allow me the time to actually show my remorse by my actions.

Guess what??? It made not one damn bit of difference to anything. If anything it just served to make me more upset as it hasn't helped one bit. I feel as if I'm banging my head off a brick wall getting nowhere. And although it breaks my heart and it's the last thing I want I think it might just be easier to give up and accept that there's no way back from here.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

illwill said:


> and she is not the most honest person.


Everything I have said is the absolute truth, that I can promise you. Not being honest gets no-one anywhere. If you refer back to my post at the start that was one of the big issues in my marriage - my husband would lie to me rather than face the consequences of my out of control anxiety. And then obviously I "lied" to him by cheating. I think I have learned from this whole mess that honesty is the best policy.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Quick question Cheaty. Who does the house ya'll live in belong to?


The house that was our marital home for the most part of the marriage was a house we bought jointly about 13 years ago. 

I still live in this house as when we first did the legal separation back in March/April 2012 the property was legally signed over to me in return for a financial settlement to my husband. 

So this house is now mine but he lived here with me up until a few weeks ago - even although he had bought his own property almost a year ago.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry to hear this. But for most men infidelity is a deal breaker. Focus on getting the help you need and maybe if you remain classy, and humble, he'll find his way back. If not, take these hard lessons into your next relationship. After you have healed. Best of luck to you.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I did not mean you were a liar, but you can't have an affair and still be a honest person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

illwill said:


> I did not mean you were a liar, but you can't have an affair and still be a honest person.


As a blanket statement/general rule, that's probably true in most cases. However, there are exceptions to that rule.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Cheety, did anybody live in his house while he was with you and was his new house "move in ready" when he bought it? It appears to me that him signing over his interest in the property for a financial interest in return and subsequently buying another house was a pretty good indication to you he was out the door. Had he already bought the house at the time of your "affair"? Sorry for all the questions.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

illwill said:


> I did not mean you were a liar, but you can't have an affair and still be a honest person.


Since at some point most of us, you included, has lied. Does that make you or any of us sometime liars dishonest people whose statement cannot be relied on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

illwill said:


> I did not mean you were a liar, but you can't have an affair and still be a honest person.





> and she is not the most honest person.


Actually, that's how that came over. Like you were accusing her of being a liar.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Thank you for your honest reply, CC. Okay, firstly I think you understand that you handled the need for attention badly and a ONS with a co-worker (of sorts) is never a good idea and not only do you recognise this, but appear to be genuinely remorseful. However, while this might be a contributing factor to your husband's behaviour, there might be more to this than meets the eye at first. Lets take out the "date" from the timeline for a minute and examine the timeline again - it certainly would appear that your husband had this planned already for whatever reason. Finding out about your infidelity just added to the justification. He moved too quickly and assuredly towards buying and moving into another house - you both really need to find out why (honestly) - maybe counselling will help you both do this (MC and IC). I think if you get to the bottom of this you will either have a chance at R or else, at least, closure (i.e. you do not beat yourself up about it and you husband may have had other issues). I really hope you are able to work this out.


CC, I do believe that you have done everything possible to try and make this right. However, I still stand by what I said in my post above - this is something he planned some time ago and whether you strayed or didn't during your separation he already had one foot out the door - for whatever reason. You need to 
get down to the bottom of this and confirm that this was the case
understand the reason (his reason) for doing this
make sure that he knows that you know and then ask him if there is anything that you can do to make amends etc 

There is no point trying to make amends before you get the answers to the above truthfully from him - the reason is you may be remorseful for what you did but in his mind there are other issues that caused him to start out on this path which are not being dealt with. The sad thing is that you may never get this truth from him and as such you need to face up to the future with courage and self-healing. I hope that this is something you can do.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheating on a spouse is dishonest even if you confess you still broke a vow, a promise. Although i clearly stated i was not calling her a liar. And we do all lie, but what matters is the size and regulatory.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I do apologize to the op if any of my posts were insulting.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Does this look a little screwy to you? Almost as if husband was monitoring the situation and making plans all along?"

MattMatt,

It's a possibility.

But, 

Without any evidence that it is true, I think this statement may be more pertinent.

"I also apologised for having so many times accused him wrongly of things as a result of my anxiety issues, for how I made him feel by doing so, for the additional strain I put on the relationship by being like this and assured him that I was now doing my utmost to seek proper treatment for these issues in order to overcome them for good."

I can picture OP's BH as a man fed up with this situation, but who still loved her very much and decided to make one final try. Then discovered she had broken their simple agreement to not cheat with others. 

And I can see this as being the straw that broke the camel's back. as far as he is concerned.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

ThePheonix said:


> Cheety, did anybody live in his house while he was with you and was his new house "move in ready" when he bought it? It appears to me that him signing over his interest in the property for a financial interest in return and subsequently buying another house was a pretty good indication to you he was out the door. Had he already bought the house at the time of your "affair"? Sorry for all the questions.


I had the "affair" towards the end of July. My husband found out in the September and he bought the house in October, but only moved out of here a few weeks ago.

There was no prior warning/discussion etc that this was imminent. He just came in one night and told me he'd bought a house.

The house he bought was a new build house - so not requiring any work but obviously just required to be furnished etc. No one else lived there. And I believe that during the course of the months since he purchased the property until now he has used that time to purchase whichever goods he required to furnish the property and decorate to his own taste. 

I wouldn't know for sure - I've never been allowed to set foot in the place.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

Dyokemm said:


> I can picture OP's BH as a man fed up with this situation, but who still loved her very much and decided to make one final try. Then discovered she had broken their simple agreement to not cheat with others.


I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.

But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.

Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.

I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.

And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out. So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time 

I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> Thank You.
> 
> It's not been so great. Having read everyone's comments, both good and bad *I decided I would make a very frank and genuine written apology to my husband for my part in the breakdown of the relationship.
> *
> ...





cheetycat said:


> I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. *Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.*
> 
> But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.
> 
> ...


Dear cheetycat,

I think you are going back and forth between two opposing explanations for the situation you find yourself in and, as a result, are struggling to decide on a way forward.

The first explanation is that your marriage is on the rocks mainly because of (1) your long-term, unresolved anxiety disorder, which placed such a strain on your marriage that your H eventually withdrew from you and (2) your cheating on your H while you were separated, which caused him to end your recent attempt to R. As I read your posts, this seems to me to be what you initially thought and keep coming back to, and reflects your acceptance of your responsibility for the break-down of your marriage.

The second explanation is that, while your anxiety disorder and infidelity played apart , your marriage has failed mainly because of (1) your H's refusal to provide you with the support you needed to deal with your anxiety disorder and (2) his failure to understand that your infidelity resulted from his withdrawing from you and his refusal to give you a second chance after your affair. This explanation seems to have developed as the result of a number of comments from posters and, to me, is an attempt to shift the blame for your marital problems mainly to your H.

I suspect that the truth (to the extent one can determine what is "true" in any human relationship) lies somewhere in the middle. However, from the perspective of what is most likely to lead to R between you and your H or to prepare you for the future if you ultimately D, I believe that the first explanation is more helpful.

It seems to me, and this is consistent with the advice usually offered on TAM/CWI, that a WS's best strategy for saving his or her marriage involves accepting complete responsibility for the infidelity, apologizing often for it, offering to do whatever is necessary to help the BS deal with the mistrust and pain the infidelity caused, and accepting gratefully but not demanding a second chance. It is hard to see how the other explanation -- that you H is mostly to blame -- will result in the two of you ever getting back together.

I also believe that the first explanation will better prepare you for the future, if your H decides to D you. In my experience, when confronted with a life-changing setback, one is best advised to accept responsibility for the setback and to try to understand what one could have done differently to avoid it. The problem with blaming the setback on others or simply on misfortune is that it prevents us from learning how to avoid future setbacks. If your marriage ends, you will likely want to find another person with whom to spend your life. If you find him, you want to make sure to avoid the problems you had in your first marriage and you are less likely to do this if you believe that your H was mostly to blame for the D.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved but I do believe firmly that the best way to save it is to demonstrate to your H every chance you get that you realize that the reason he pulled away was because you failed to get timely help for your anxiety disorder and instead placed to great a burden on him to deal with it, and that you accept full responsibility for your infidelity and are truly sorry for it.

I also believe that, whatever happens between the two of you, your best hope for the future is to get the help you need to overcome your anxiety disorder and to learn that marital infidelity is never justified.

I hope that things work out for you the way you want them to and that, if they don't, you can move past this difficult time in your life and find happiness in the future.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

cheetycat said:


> I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.
> 
> But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is *so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing*.
> 
> ...


I cringed when I read this.

I hope you never have, or never will have said this to your husband.

"It meant nothing" equates to the BS means so little to the WS that they had risked and in this case, lost everything for someone that "meant nothing".


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Some men can not get over the cheating, and the lying.

Did you tell him before your date that you were going on the date?

Did you use protection all the time for the six hours? Did you get pregnant or have you been checked for stds? 

Your husband feels like you ripped his heart out of his chest. Can you put it back? Give your husband something that he wants. I have an idea-How about a wife that does not cheat?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

cheetycat said:


> But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.


This is exactly how your husband felt when he learned of your "date". He thought, how could she absolutely destroy 15 years together for 6 hours with OM that she says meant nothing. To me it looks like that act was the final nail in the coffin.

He was second guessing the separation until he found out that you had not kept to your agreement and at that point he was done. You proved to him that 6 hrs with OM meant more to you than him and your marriage.

It is said that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Maybe in a couple of years he will rethink the situation. One poster here divorced his WW and she kept trying to show him the remorse and sorrow she felt and her love for him. After 2 years he finally gave her another chance and they are happily remarried. So is this the end? Maybe not. It all depends on you and how much you love your husband and what you are willing to do next.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> "It meant nothing" equates to the BS means so little to the WS that they had risked and in this case, lost everything for someone that "meant nothing".


I meant as in it meant nothing compared to what I have/had with my husband.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> Did you tell him before your date that you were going on the date?
> 
> Did you use protection all the time for the six hours?
> 
> Did you get pregnant or have you been checked for stds?


No I didn't tell him beforehand - hence how I broke the agreement.

Six hours as in I left the house at 7pm and was back in the house by 1am. We were sitting in a pub chatting until 11.30pm!!! NOT doing as you suggest or may think for a whole 6 hours!!!

Yes I did use protection and no I did not get pregnant nor do I have any STD's!!


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> It is said that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. Maybe in a couple of years he will rethink the situation. ............. So is this the end? Maybe not. It all depends on you and how much you love your husband and what you are willing to do next.


That is an uplifting story to hear, thank you. And gives me some hope that maybe, just maybe there is always still a chance.

I just wish I KNEW what to do next!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> Thank You.
> 
> It's not been so great. Having read everyone's comments, both good and bad I decided I would make a very frank and genuine written apology to my husband for my part in the breakdown of the relationship.
> 
> ...


I hope some day you can look at the bold part and reconsider.

It made a HUGE difference, because for the first time in this thread (so I'll assume as a whole) you took responsibility for your actions. THAT is all you can do. If you live your life that way, you'll be much happier. You can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are. Whether or not your H comes back to you, you can look at yourself and feel proud.

Keep going down that path, and if not your husband, you will find someone who will love and respect you. I won't speculate on your husband's actions and motives. All I can say is if he was honorable and takes accountability for his actions, you two might have a chance. If he doesn't than you're not really losing out.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> I think that's a very reasonable assessment to make. Yes my anxiety issues did put a huge strain on the marriage, yes my husband clearly was very fed up with this situation and yes I did break the agreement.
> 
> *But it was one time, and probably amounted to about 6 hours out of my entire life and whilst I don't use this as a way of excusing my behaviour I do feel that 15 years is so much to throw away for the sake of a few hours that meant nothing.*


Dang, you were SOOO CLOSE. I really had high hopes CC.

A marriage isn't a savings account where you can make deposits for 15 years and build up enough "good wife" equity to justify infidelity.

Sorry but you still aren't taking full responsibility in your heart. You did in your letter to your husband as a tool to get him back, but you don't truly feel it yet.



> Although obviously my anxiety problems are something which has gone on a lot longer and for many years.
> 
> I think I need to find out what the main issue for my husband is as I don't think I'll ever settle properly until I know the answer. Is it my anxiety problem or is it the fact that I cheated.
> 
> And to be honest the more and more I think about it the more and more I'm coming round to the way of thinking that it WAS all very carefully thought out.


Because then it wouldn't be your fault.....



> So much has happened that it's hard to think straight and pinpoint exactly when certain things happened and how things felt at a particular time
> 
> I think it fair to say that when my husband first suggested the separation things were probably at a very low point. I think that probably by the time I went on the "date" I'd kind of accepted that things were over between me & my husband. Perhaps that took a bit of strain off of me in terms of my anxiety problems and lessened them somewhat. This probably in turn made me much more relaxed and if I think back to around that time I think I appeared quite outwardly "happy". Perhaps this was what made my husband wonder if the decision to separate was the wrong one? He was seeing me as being brighter than I'd been in a long time and obviously I wasn't really "on his case" regarding the issues that fuelled my anxiety. Maybe he was seeing the woman he loved the way she was when he'd fallen in love with her, something he hadn't seen in a long time, and that was what prompted him to consider that he'd made the wrong decision. I don't know, it's just a thought. But obviously by then it was too late anyway, I'd messed up by then.


And it's okay to accept things were over. But you need to own that decision is all.


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## cheetycat (Feb 28, 2011)

This is thing though. I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to do that's the right thing. I don't know from a man's point of view what it is that makes a difference. Hence why I posted at the very start titled "not sure what to do now". I'd hoped to find some guidance on what I should be doing so that I didn't make any more mistakes or inadvertantly make things worse. If I knew what to do believe me I'd be doing it right this very minute.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> This is thing though. I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to do that's the right thing. I don't know from a man's point of view what it is that makes a difference. Hence why I posted at the very start titled "not sure what to do now". I'd hoped to find some guidance on what I should be doing so that I didn't make any more mistakes or inadvertantly make things worse. If I knew what to do believe me I'd be doing it right this very minute.


What you do is STOP trying to win your husband back. Focus on you. Focus on your own mental health and recovery. Focus on accepting both the good and bad you've done and learn from it. Become a better woman. 

Maybe your husband comes back, maybe he won't. But YOU will be better off as a person and be able to handle EITHER.

The problem is you're trying to "fix things" that will get your husband back. Which is manipulative. Your not actually trying to fix the bones of the problem. You're trying to put lipstick on a pig....


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> What you do is STOP trying to win your husband back. Focus on you. Focus on your own mental health and recovery. Focus on accepting both the good and bad you've done and learn from it. Become a better woman.
> 
> Maybe your husband comes back, maybe he won't. But YOU will be better off as a person and be able to handle EITHER.
> 
> The problem is you're trying to "fix things" that will get your husband back. Which is manipulative. Your not actually trying to fix the bones of the problem. You're trying to put lipstick on a pig....


:iagree: Cheety, I think you've done about as much as you can possible do. Although I've made it clear I believe there are mitigating circumstances to cheating, I also believe men generally take it harder than women. In your situation, your husband appears to have had one foot out the door before the "date". The momentum was already going in that direction so the reason you're not being successful recovering may go beyond your affair..


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

CC, I must admit (and I will probably get hammered for saying this here) that I find it hard to see what you have done as clear cut "cheating" - this would depend very much on what exactly was agreed when you and your husband decided to spend time apart. Whatever the reasons for the breakdown of your marriage, this particular forum deals specifically (and very well I might add) with infidelity. Your case is not as straightforward. I am struggling to understand whether your husband had actually checked out or not. Did he check out and then change his mind ? What was his understanding of the boundaries or rules at the time ? None of this seems to be clear. From your perspective my only comment is that even if you truly believed the marriage was over and that he had permanently checked out, it seems a very short period of mourning so to speak before you go out and meet someone (even if it was just for attention) - do you not agree ? Other than that I cannot see that you are completely in the wrong. However, it depends very much on your husband's point-of-view which we are not really getting here. I really do not understand this business of a husband and wife having separate houses and he seems to have planned this before your "date". Why would the two of you have separate houses ?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Cheetycat,

I really think it is a combination of your prior accusations and anxiety problems AND your cheating that has led your BH to his current stance.

I can easily understand how years of frustrating accusations of infidelity thrown at him, which were not founded in anything other than your anxiety, lead to a great amount of anger when it turned out that you, rather than him, were the one to cheat in the M.

He probably now sees you as a hypocrite. 

And after all the frustrations you have put him through, he has to somehow find a way to develop a path to forgiveness for you based in the reality of your actual cheating.

This would really suck.

Facing untrue allegations for years, and then having to find forgiveness in yourself for your partner's actual cheating.

I can understand why he might not think its worth it.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

cheetycat said:


> This is thing though. *I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to do that's the right thing. I don't know from a man's point of view what it is that makes a difference*. Hence why I posted at the very start titled "not sure what to do now". I'd hoped to find some guidance on what I should be doing so that I didn't make any more mistakes or inadvertantly make things worse. If I knew what to do believe me I'd be doing it right this very minute.


Cheety, when I first responded to your post I got accused of bringing you to tears and being unhelpful. Sorry about the tears, but what I was trying to convey is the answer to your question(s) above.

In your OP, you made a lot of excuses for yourself and indirectly blamed your husband for your affair. Maybe he did play a part in making your marriage less than ideal ... but you OWN THE AFFAIR 100%. Unfortunately, for many men there is no way a cheating woman can be accepted back. I'm one with that mindset. However, if your husband is not like that, then your only shot is to stop making excuses and become the most remorseful and supportive woman on planet Earth for him. Best of luck to you.

PS: If he is willing to reconcile ... then start looking for another job. You cannot continue working with your sex partner.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I just finished reading this and can say you have received lots of good information. I think the problem is that generally when things go bad in a marriage the history is re-written (which may have happened here, as my WW re-wrote our history and added things that never happened or occurred and have been verified as incorrect by several non-affected third parties, and she says she still believes it occurred). It is for this reason that I think it was stated that you weren't telling the truth. It wasn't a crack at you saying you were lying, and I believe you are not lying, but telling your version of the truth. 

I see lots of arguing back and forth, was it the chicken or the egg argument? We only have one side of the story so it is very easy to see where both could be the cases, and the story sways with the majority rule in this case. Within the M did the H withdrawal happen first, which exacerbated the anxiety and lead to accusations and blaming, or did the blaming, accusations, and anxiety happen first, causing the H to withdraw? Either way the M is a mess and needs LOTS of work if it is to even have a chance of R. 

Now that the OP sees that she needs professional help and is seeking that she has a better chance of making things work if she can get herself "repaired" and then and only then will she have a possibility of fixing/ re-starting the M she had (and I say had as it is dead, you need to create a new M if you are to move on).

I agree that it is hard for men to deal with the infidelity, and the attitude that I see lots on TAM of why should x amount of years be thrown away for x hours that meant nothing? doesn't help the issue. The fact is that it MEANS the world to the BS spouse, whether or not it meant anything to the WS. They need to face that fact and stop thinking about all that they are losing and instead focus on all that they might have taken from their BS. They need to own their issues, repair them, and then help the BS to heal. Unfortunately sometimes this is never able to happen as the BS has moved on. 

I hope that you can get yourself fixed and move on to better relationships (either with or without your BS). Also keep in mind that generally our friends want the best for us, so they fail to see sometimes the grievous atrocities that we have committed, yet are able to see them all within our spouses and help to formulate our opinions of the situation (meaning they can color the situation to appear in your favor) and judge them harsher than they judge us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As part of her condition, my wife has dreadful anxiety problems.

We have been together for 25 years. Have I ever dismissed her anxiety problem as her being: "crazy"? Or "in her head?" 

No. Never. Why? Because I know it would hurt her and would not help her or us.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

cheetycat said:


> This is thing though. I don't KNOW what I'm supposed to do that's the right thing. I don't know from a man's point of view what it is that makes a difference. Hence why I posted at the very start titled "not sure what to do now". I'd hoped to find some guidance on what I should be doing so that I didn't make any more mistakes or inadvertantly make things worse. *If I knew what to do believe me I'd be doing it right this very minute.*



From my post of the other day:

"I don't know if your marriage can be saved but I do believe firmly that the best way to save it is to demonstrate to your H every chance you get that you realize that the reason he pulled away was because you failed to get timely help for your anxiety disorder and instead placed to great a burden on him to deal with it, and that you accept full responsibility for your infidelity and are truly sorry for it."


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