# I don't know what to say



## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

My partner and I have our troubles, but today she floored me with a statement and I have no idea how to respond.

She is morbidly obese, and has been for a long time. I have tried to work with her on her weight, but I have made little to no progress.

She has now had three health scares, one dangerously high blood pressure spike about fifteen years ago that required hospitalization, then two suspected heart attacks in the last five years, the latest one less than two weeks ago. None of these has motivated her change.

Today I get home from work and I notice a lot of papers and other items from her office here at home. I ask about them out of curiosity. 

Her answer: "I'm getting my affairs in order for when I die."

What do you say to something like that? This is the first time she has said anything remotely like it and I found myself at a total loss for words. 

Her health prognosis isn't that dire. She could still turn herself around if she would just try. There is no need for the doom and gloom attitude.

Anyone have any suggestions (other than counseling) to help turn her around? I will suggest counseling, but she has resisted all attempts at counseling in the past, and I don't expect this to be any different.


Copper


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is she?

Ask you why she thinks she needs to do this at this time. Maybe she just read something about it being wise to have things in order.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old is she?
> 
> Ask you why she thinks she needs to do this at this time. Maybe she just read something about it being wise to have things in order.


She's 55. 

I asked that question when she hit me with the statement. 

She said that she is doing it now because she believes that the reason she didn't die is she has been given this time to get her affairs in order. 

She has some heart damage, most likely the result of her weight, but nothing so severe as to warrant this type of attitude. 


Copper


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Is she a dramatic person? 

Is trying to make you feel guilty? Get you off her back about something? Or trying to get her way?

I don't know, it sounds manipulative.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Is she a dramatic person?
> 
> Is trying to make you feel guilty? Get you off her back about something? Or trying to get her way?
> 
> I don't know, it sounds manipulative.


She does tend to the drama when she is sick. I'm sure we have all met her type, the type of person that when they are sick they want to be waited on hand and foot, and nobody has ever been as sick as they are now.

That's nothing new, and I am used to that. But I don't think this is that. There was something in her face and voice that chilled me. 

As I said, we have our problems, but we are in lull at the moment and I haven't been pressing her. So I don't think she is trying to manipulate me. Or if she is, I don't know what she wants. 


Copper


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

She is manipulating you.

Based on all the information in your previous thread, this is just another way for her to keep your demands in check.

I'm not sure why she is not getting direct care from a cardiologist. You say heart damage. Do they think she has actually had a heart attack? She is off her BP meds? That sounds like the wrong move without proper medical supervision. 

She should be seeing the cardiologist to make a plan for recovery.

Based on everything you posted in your other thread, hopefully she'll die quickly instead of making you be her caretaker for years.

As I said in your other thread, she isn't going to change. Be prepared to be waiting on her for the rest of your life, or get out now while you still can. I guarantee you that if you left and she was on her own, she'd change quickly because she would have too!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Maybe she's not manipulating and maybe she's scared. And maybe she's right.

I had a friend who was morbidly obese and she actually did die of a heart attack while watching TV on her couch last fall . Her husband said she hadn't been feeling well for days, but wouldn't let him take her to the ER. She was only 45 . 

If her recent scare prompted her to get her affairs in order and not get help, I'm not really sure what you can do .


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Two heart attacks in five years is pretty darn serious.

One would hope that rather than drawing up her will and making funeral plans, she would get her butt in to see the doctor and then get signed up for Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous.
Honestly though, I think she should get her affairs in order. She may not be as lucky with the next heart attack .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People die and they do so at all ages. Having one's affairs in order seems like a prudent course of action. I'd think that would be especially true for a morbidly obese person with a history of heart issues. I'm not overweight or over 55 but I'm also not immortal, as far as I know. I have had a will and reasonable arrangements prepared since I was 21 or so. 
If being responsible and organized is a normal condition for her, I wouldn't read much into it. If she's not or if she has a history of depression, I might suspect she was at least considering suicide.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Was your wife put on blood pressure meds after her spiked blood pressure incident? 

She has been morbidly obese for some time, you said. How long? Is she diabetic?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm sorry CopperTop. If she's not willing to change after all of the health issues and facing pre-mature death then I doubt you can say or do anything. Your best chances to influence her to change are also very risky. I guess it depends on your perspective of the situation. It seems clear that if nothing changes then she will sabotage your life away within a few more years. Sorry I don't have better advice for you.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

Workathome said:


> She is manipulating you.
> 
> Based on all the information in your previous thread, this is just another way for her to keep your demands in check.


Maybe, but I'm not making any demands on her at the moment. So if she is manipulating me, I don't know what she wants. 





Workathome said:


> I'm not sure why she is not getting direct care from a cardiologist. You say heart damage. Do they think she has actually had a heart attack? She is off her BP meds? That sounds like the wrong move without proper medical supervision.
> 
> She should be seeing the cardiologist to make a plan for recovery.


I can't answer the question about the cardiologist. It may be an insurance thing. 

She does have some minor heart damage. Her heart is enlarged on one side and is down in efficiency from 70-75 to 65, and a valve isn't working at 100%. But overall, she is okay. She has been given a exercise program to help build the heart back up. 

The stopping of the blood-pressure medication was the doctor's suggestion. She is monitoring her blood-pressure every few hours through-out the day. I think the idea is to see if her medication was causing her problems. Since she has gone off the meds, she says, and acts like, she is feeling better. Her blood pressure is all over the place. Moderately high one time, then near normal the next. She is keeping a log to show the Doc.





Workathome said:


> Based on everything you posted in your other thread, hopefully she'll die quickly instead of making you be her caretaker for years.
> 
> As I said in your other thread, she isn't going to change. Be prepared to be waiting on her for the rest of your life, or get out now while you still can. I guarantee you that if you left and she was on her own, she'd change quickly because she would have too!


Well, obviously I don't want that, but I'm not so sure. There was something about the way she said what she did that made it different than the "poor pity me" stuff she sometimes pulls other times. It was more resigned and final, not like she was fishing. And she asked for nothing. 

I'm not prepared to dismiss your suggestion out of hand, but if she is trying to manipulate me, it isn't going to work. It's too subtle and I don't know what she is trying to get me to do. 


Copper


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe she's not manipulating and maybe she's scared. And maybe she's right.
> 
> I had a friend who was morbidly obese and she actually did die of a heart attack while watching TV on her couch last fall . Her husband said she hadn't been feeling well for days, but wouldn't let him take her to the ER. She was only 45 .
> 
> If her recent scare prompted her to get her affairs in order and not get help, I'm not really sure what you can do .





happy as a clam said:


> Two heart attacks in five years is pretty darn serious.
> 
> One would hope that rather than drawing up her will and making funeral plans, she would get her butt in to see the doctor and then get signed up for Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous.
> Honestly though, I think she should get her affairs in order. She may not be as lucky with the next heart attack .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our major affairs are in order, and have been for years. But cleaning out your desk? That seems a little TOO ambitious. 

I guess what I was actually looking for was some words of encouragement or something. I didn't like that slack-jawed silence that she got from me. 

I felt like I should have said SOMETHING positive, but I was struck mute.


Copper


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> Was your wife put on blood pressure meds after her spiked blood pressure incident?
> 
> She has been morbidly obese for some time, you said. How long? Is she diabetic?


The blood-pressure spike came during a pregnancy 15 years ago. It was scary high, had the doctors concerned that both mother and child would die.

But after the pregnancy, I guess her blood-pressure returned to normal because she didn't get on medication until just a couple of years ago. Her blood-pressure was in the 150 over 90 range. So high, but not scary high.

She has been morbidly obese for 15 years for sure. Maybe as much as 20.

No diabetes. 


Copper


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> I'm sorry CopperTop. If she's not willing to change after all of the health issues and facing pre-mature death then I doubt you can say or do anything. Your best chances to influence her to change are also very risky. I guess it depends on your perspective of the situation. It seems clear that if nothing changes then she will sabotage your life away within a few more years. Sorry I don't have better advice for you.


I understand. I just felt so STUPID standing there with brain lock. No words of encouragement, no argument why what she said wasn't true... no NOTHING. Just slack-jawed muteness.  


Copper


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

CopperTop said:


> Her answer: "I'm getting my affairs in order for when I die."
> 
> What do you say to something like that? This is the first time she has said anything remotely like it and I found myself at a total loss for words.
> 
> Copper


It's like that line from a movie " get busy living or get busy dying". 

So what do you say now? If she told me she was getting her affairs in order for when she dies, I'd say "that's probably wise" or you can just say "ok." It's not time to sugar coat things - that's the reality of the situation she either takes action to live or die. She has chosen her path. You need to accept that also. 

You said your affairs are in order, did those discussions include the fact that her life expectancy is short? It's like any other illness you have to face the facts head on. You deal with the reality. The reality is she is going to get sick, immobile or die of a heart attack if she doesn't change. The time for suggesting is far over. Be honest and frank about her future and yours.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CopperTop said:


> I understand. I just felt so STUPID standing there with brain lock. No words of encouragement, no argument why what she said wasn't true... no NOTHING. Just slack-jawed muteness.



That's your natural self defenses kicking in. 

A more cynical person like me would have called for a pizza or two.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Some people (ie smokers) would rather die earlier than change anything in their lives. They view the work and discomfort required to change to not be worth a few extra years of that work and discomfort.

Some people just don't have a rock bottom to hit, especially when there is comorbid depression sapping away all their motivation and energy.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

intheory said:


> Copper,
> 
> I think this is manipulation. She could have done this discretely. She could have made sure the papers were out of sight before you got home.
> 
> ...


Okay... yes. But she has ignored the problem for years, and NOW she decides she is going to *die in the next 30 days* (my words not hers).

Our big affairs (wills etc) are in order, and have been for years. But I think cleaning out your desk at work is a little premature. 

The good news, I guess, since I originally posted this, is she is really trying on her diet. For the first time I can tell she is really serious about it. The soda's are gone. She hasn't eaten a prepared meal in over a week, etc. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it continues, but she seems very pleased with her progress... as she should be.

So maybe, just maybe, she has finally decided to do something about it. And it is working. The weight is coming off, and quickly. As soon as she gets her stamina back, and begins to exercise more, the loss should speed up even more. 

I just wish we weren't at cross purposes at the moment. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I feel like I am walking on eggshells at the moment. I don't want to do anything to disrupt this progress.


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