# Should I be worried?



## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Hi Everyone, I'm brand new to this so please bear with me!

I've been married for ten years but due to some odd circumstances I am living in the Uk and my husband is in Europe. We have managed to maintain our relationship with regular loving holidays!
We recently bought a small house together and he is living in it alone for the time being. He now has a neighbour (a fairly attractive woman who is 10 years my junior that "pops in for coffee", on average, every other day. I have asked him about it and told him that I am really not too happy about it and he swears that there is nothing in it and she only stays for about half an hour each time.
I have met this woman and she is a very friendly, outgoing type although she makes me feel a little uncomfortable with her topics of conversation...e.g she talks of her previous sleeping arrangements with previous boyfriends, the fact that she "lost" the bottom half of her bikini, that the local men all find her attractive etc.
I feel that my husband should respect my feelings and ask her not to call round so often. He says I'm being suspicious and ridiculous. What do you think? Am I overreacting?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I've had neighbors like the woman you describe.... 
( very attention seeking via the stories she tells)
and its never turned out well. They try to have sex with the neighybors, steal men... 
I don't know if she's that way but I wouldn't chance it and befriend her, but on the other hand, you really can't stop him from doing so if he wants to make her a friend...... or more.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

worried ?... no

leary ?... yes

or are those the same things... ? lol


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

They're beginning to feel like the same thing to me!

I've always gone by my gut instinct before and it's shouting at me now! I think the thing that is bothering me most is my husband's defensive attitude towards her. We have only just met this woman and he seems very reluctant to offend her even though he knows how worried I am.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

well, by her stories she seems to have an attention seeking personality, so I can't blame you for how you feel about her to distrust the situation... and her.
Not like she is talking about anything except "LOOK AT ME" and
"AINT I COOL AND HOT" by her stories.

I'd say she is not the type of neighbor to trust.

and I say that from 50 yars life experience as I've been around awhile. She is an attention seeker and wants to play games 
and have fun ( even at others peoples expense) by the subject of her stories.
She is not anyone I'd trust.

tell your bf, she told you she has herpes
or gential warts, so he doesn't sleep with her too. lol


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

That's exactly it! All her conversation is designed to force some kind of reaction...and I'm sure it isn't for MY benefit. The trouble is, I'm not too sure what to do about her! I won't be there for the next 10 days so I have to resort to questioning him on WebCam...not so good for reading body language

It's reassuring to know that someone else would be feeling the same way about things . I was beginning to think I'd just got a huge case of green-eyed monster.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Lol...maybe I'll try that one!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would not call your concerns being out of jealousy...

I think its your common sense kicking you in the head 
thinking...


" somethings not right here with this"

and for good reason.

I have had coffee with neighbors and none of them tell stories like that, except one.... who was a male, ex-stripper.... big user trying to sleep with all the women and steal what he could from them.

Trust me, trust your gut........ she is a big attention seeker....
as neighbors don't talk like that unless they are looking for something, in her case ... its all crying

attention, look at me, ain't I hot.. etc.
She is up to no good.


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## Izzitme (Aug 29, 2009)

Yep, He's gonna do it with her.

From the description of your circumstances, he will be able to justify his actions to himself as well.

I know this is drastic but I reckon you should sell the house and make him move somewhere else. Get him away from the temptress. If you marriage is important then the sale and move will be a small inconvenience to you both.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Just to fill in a little bit...my husband is an alcoholic. He stopped drinking almost two years ago when I left but has now started to drink again.Almost two years ago he got very drunk after a family bereavement and had a "fling" with a much younger woman. I caught them so there was no denying what had taken place. I forgave him as I wanted the marriage to work and I understood the pressure he had been under. We had a long talk about things when I visited him last and he told me he understood what effect those constant images in my mind have on me. He will NOT, however, tell this woman to stop calling round. He says that nothing is happening so I should be ok with it.

I can't sell the house yet as it is only half way through being renovated and properties just arent selling at the moment. 

So what do I do? Do I sit tight and hope he's telling the truth and trust that if she does openly step out of line he will protect our marriage? Or do I bite the bullet and tell her to sling her hook the next time that I'm there in 10 days time?


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## unhappy wife (Aug 30, 2009)

ib hav it out with that women, any decent women knows there is boundries and should nt over step them. i think she is cheeky, so nxt time you meet, tell her to move on away fom your husband. if he does have a drinking problem then if he did sleep with that women,andyou found out then it would set him back again, so tell your husband your doing it fo him(when its really fo you lol)


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Here is what you have to do..................

you have to make her believe your her friend, like her and don't suspect a thing as the only way you will be able to do anything is to know her better and make her think you like/ trust her...

even if you have to make her think your stupid.

Being close to the enemy is the only way to get to the enemy.
The only way you can trick her or make her go away is to be close to her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ps

decent ???????
are you serious? There is no reason you should think she's decent... decent women don't tell stories like that.
You should in no way think she is decent on any level.


she maybe has more experience with this than you do...
so you have to be very coy and think what you plan to do to make her run...
maybe you just have to punch her in the face ? maybe you can trick her into leaving?
who knows...
but one fact is fact...
you will have to make her think you don't suspect a thing and get closer to her.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Ok...so we have an update.

Spoke to my husband on webcam yesterday. He tells me that another neighbour had a car problem and arrived at the house for help. The problem woman was there having a coffee (again!) so he asked her to go with him to sort out the car problem "as she speaks the language better"! I didnt make any comment but could instantly see that that meant she's now been in our car alone with my husband.

I can also see that I MAY be making a mountain out of a molehill but it just feels wrong to me. I have another week before I go home and cant go any sooner. Should I have kicked off about it or should I just continue playing it cool. (It's getting harder and harder not to say too much but I don't want to stop him telling me when she's there.)


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## Izzitme (Aug 29, 2009)

Get friendly with the other neighbours. Let them know how much you love your husband, how much you miss him, how tough a long distance relationship is, etc.

Watch their reactions and listen, really listen, to their responses. I think you may be able to see or discern the line between sympathy and pity


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Excellent advice Izzitme and in normal circumstances I would be doing just that. But I have to spend a lot of time in the UK while he is in Europe. The neighbours speak very little English (apart from her) and we are only just getting to know them through pigeon Portuguese and sign language!
We seem to be quite well known in the small community as a close and loving couple but I wouldnt mind betting that the locals are getting confused as to which woman is the wife as she seems to spend so much time there.


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

You seem to be playing it alot cooler than I would! I would be majorly P.O.'d. I had a friend like your neighbor and all she wanted was lots of attention from the opposite sex no matter who she hurt to do it. I got rid of her because I couldn't stand her behavior. 

Men and women--especially women like her--can't "just be friends". Eventually something will happen. HE maybe that naive and think not, but she will try to seduce him. 

With his past, he should actually understand where you are coming from. But if he ends up having an affair with her, you got to get rid of him!! A mistake can happen once and you can work through it, twice and you begin to wonder, three times and you know what they say... "Three strikes and you're out!"


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Thanks JennaRae. 

Would you be prepared to give me some pointers as to how to "get rid of her"?:lol:

She's giving me sleepless nights and headaches even from a thousand miles away and I have a sneaky suspicion that she'd be very happy about that. But with my husband's attitude about it all I've tried to avoid forcing an issue.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

So I forced the issue! 

I was talking on Webcam with my husband this afternoon and the neighbour turned up. He said "I've got a visitor" So I said "tell her you're talking to your wife"!

Give him his due, he did and he told me what he said to her. Then he comes back and says she was up on the scaffolding (we're renovating the house). So I asked what the hell she was doing up there uninvited. He blew his stack telling me that he was sick and fed up with my suspicion and questions. I asked him not to be defensive and to understand why I was worried and also asked him to read up on emotional affairs so that he could see exactly WHY I am so worried.

He told me that he didnt want to talk to me anymore and swutched the webcam off. I then spoke to him on the phone and he said he was fed up with my paranoia and " I'm not having an affair so now you've come up with the emotional affair claptrap"!

Why doesnt he just tell this woman to clear off and leave us alone?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

pumpkin said:


> Why doesnt he just tell this woman to clear off and leave us alone?



It's obvious he's getting something from her, he doesn't want to give up just yet. It may or may not be sex.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

He's attached to her in some way, whether it has crossed into a physical affair yet is unknown. No man would defend a woman so vehemently to his wife unless he was attracted to the other woman, and did not want to be pushed to choose. When they respond that drastically, it's a red flag, at least in my experience. If I were you, I wouls sit down and have a nice (lol) long talk with her when you get back there.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

I agree and that is my plan! My husband came back onto webcam this evening and was in a completely different mood. Maybe he read the links I sent him on emotional affairs. He didnt actually say that he had but there was a distinct change in attitude. I still plan on having a little word with the "lady" when I'm there


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## Boucaques07 (Sep 2, 2009)

Tell him to knock it off. Ignore the "Ho next Door (Dough)" She is a wolf in wolf's clothing and she's after your hubby. Although I'm pretty sure he's already done what we all kind of know he's already done. If he did, bounce him out the door and take half his stuff. Besides, you only see the guy on holidays.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Ok...I have an update on the situation. I have just spent a fortnight with my husband. In that time this woman visited just twice! She called in one day...stayed for maybe five minutes and then went. No time to suss out the situation or talk to her much. The second visit was even shorter!

I did have a chance to talk to my husband about it all and he appeared sympathetic to my feelings, understood the stress it has caused, particularly with him drinking again but still says that there is nothing going on so feels no need to tell her to stay away.

Added to this..now that I'm back I've spent a lot of time talking to him on Skype and he often says that he's pulled all the shutters down etc etc to discourage "any visitors". 

So now I'm left wondering three things

1. Was I being too over suspicious and I need to sort myself out and trust him more?

2. Was there something going on and he didnt know how to deal with it and tell her to her face that it's finished?

3. Is it still going on and I've been fobbed off by the pair of them?

Any opinions or views would be really appreciated


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your husband's behaviour has caused his wife pain stress and sleepless nights.

and refused to change his behaviour.

your husband is an alcoholic who's actively drinking.

and he's made some very poor choices while drinking in similar circumstances.

when i receive unwanted attention from a woman i know exactly how to put an end to it.

we all know how to do this, we all have to from time to time.

your husband is no different.

he has chosen not to, at the peril of his wife's emotional health and the health of his marrige.

i think you're handling the situation with grace dignity.

and the time will come when the exact circumstances between your husband and the other woman will manifest.

at which time, i have no doubt based on the little i've read here about you, that you will make the proper decisions to protect yourself if necessary.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

I thank you, recent cloud, for your thoughtful and considered reply. I think that your assessment of the situation is impeccable!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I second what RC wrote--doesn't matter IF anything is happening; you are uncomfortable and YOU are his wife. He has a pattern of poor behaviors. Sounds like he is very much in denial and refusing to accept responsibility for his actions, past and present. This does not bode well for a permanent recovery from alcoholism. What counseling has he had? He should be on his knees begging you to forgive him for all he EVER did in the years of his drinking; he needs to realize that he must EARN trust back from you, not demand it. 

You are enabling him, however, in letting him off the hook about his previous fling "because he was drunk." Please, please don't do this. Take back whatever you said to him before, and insist that he accept he must earn trust from you. Forgiving him means you are willing to TRY to learn to trust him again; it should never, in these circumstances, mean or be taken to mean, "OK, I trust you. I trust you not to do it again." 

By resuming his drinking, he has betrayed your trust once again. If you continue to enable him, he will have another "fling" and you will be hurt again. Take a stand, now. Show him this post and tell him "We are back to square one. You need to earn my trust, on MY timetable. Here's what I expect. . ." You must be willing to follow through on leaving him, however, if he does not comply--immediately. You must be willing to pursue divorce quickly and aggressively, keeping in mind that IF he complies once he knows you are serious, you can delay or withdraw the papers, etc. 

I repeat, you are enabling him now that he is drinking again. Why do you feel you need to be with someone like him? Please get some counseling for yourself, too, so you can make better decisions. Good luck; keep us posted.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

Thank you Sisters..I really appreciate the trouble you have taken with your advice.

To answer some of your points...

My husband has never received any counselling. He is a very determined character when he chooses. He was a registered heroin addict in his youth and he "cured" himself of that addiction when he was married before and his daughter was born. Apparently it was then that he swapped drugs for alcohol as he had never drunk very much previously. His marriage split and I gather that a succession of relationships were spoiled by his drinking.

When I met him he had been clean for 9 years and then suddenly started again...after a row over some other small issues. That episode lasted for 5 years until I left with my son. I think that was when he hit rock bottom and decided to give up the booze again. As I said, he is a very determined character and he gave it up on his own without medication or medical assistance.........just me and a £500 phone bill!

The past two years have been gradually getting better( after the "fling") and I've been cautiously making plans to go back to live in Portugal with him now that my son is older and independent. He says that he really wants this and has been pushing for it to be sooner rather than later. All was going well until the neighbour appeared on the scene. Then the bombshell that he had "made a conscious decision" to start drinking again. Of course we had a huge fight about it all and I told him that he'd damaged all my new-found confidence etc etc.

But the upshot is the same...he is drinking and the last I heard today was that the neighbour had appeared for coffee this morning while he was having a vodka and he'd had a chat with her about his drinking!
Once again we've had strong words about this as I feel that he shouldn't be talking to her on this level.

I understand fully what you mean by "enabling". It is very difficult NOT to enable. I really want to be with this man and my nature is to fight for what I need. But he is stubborn and intelligent and understands that only too well! So, yes, you are right. I'm in a situation that really is not good for me...but it seems a bit like Catch 22 at the moment!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you say it's in your nature to fight for what you need.

respectfully then i presume what you need is a relapsed addict husband who most likely is having an affair for at least the second time you know of.

this is not a catch 22.

it's where you choose to be.

you seem to be a kind and patient person and i hope you soon choose to be elswhere, as you deserve much better.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

"respectfully then i presume what you need is a relapsed addict husband who most likely is having an affair for at least the second time you know of."

Of course that is not what I need.....unfortunately it's what I've got!

About me.... I'm slim, attractive (or so I'm told) and sneaking up to 50 . Yes, I could throw in the towel and go looking for someone else to help me be happy. The trouble is I can't switch off my feelings for my husband. When he doesn't drink he's honest, reliable and hard-working and we have a great time together.It's when he drinks that all the problems arrive. It's like Jekyll and Hyde!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

pumpkin said:


> The trouble is I can't switch off my feelings for my husband. When he doesn't drink he's honest, reliable and hard-working and we have a great time together.It's when he drinks that all the problems arrive. It's like Jekyll and Hyde!


well, he's drinking.

again.

and probably cheating on you.

again.

the first time around would have been enough for me to 'switch off my feelings' let alone the second.

but to each his or her own i guess.

please don't let other circumstances frighten you into staying in a bad relationship.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I hope that we are all wrong, though it does appear hinky. Just due to his earlier affair, he needs to be completely "transparent" with everything. Also, if he is that reluctant to get this woman out of his life, I'm wondering just how far it has gone.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's broken your trust by cheating in the past. He's more vulnerable while he's drinking and you are away. He's even more vulnerable because he refuses to dismiss this woman from his life. He's actively taking the dangerous route. That's just like an addict... gotta push it. Upset his wife, and it is her problem. Afterall, he's not doing anything...

BULL.

He is doing all of the above. And if he doesn't see it is because he is an ACTIVE ADDICT AGAIN who refuses to take responsibility for the conditions of his marriage or his life. He's an accident waiting to happen.

Put your foot down. This is ridiculous. He cheated before and he'll do it again UNDER THESE CONDITIONS. You aren't there to stop him. Is that the only thing that keeps him in line? How can you live like that?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Well, it could be one thing.....it could be that your husband lets her over for coffee because she is about the only person around who speaks the same language as he does. He may be innocent in this.

I don't think she is innocent, however. She is disrespecting you by her choice of topics, whether she knows it or not.

Befriending her is an option, I suppose, but I don't think that really makes a difference with female sexual predators our there. They will smile to your face, then stab you in the back in a heartbeat. Been there done that with my 1st husband.

I like the idea about getting to know your other neighbors when you get a chance to. 

For now, trust your husband, pay attention to what he says or doesn't say. Then, next time you're there, have a "put yourself in my shoes" conversation.


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## pumpkin (Aug 29, 2009)

This is so difficult....I agree with all of you!

This is where I am at the moment. I spent a couple of weeks with my husband , watching his reactions to my questions and his body language when he was talking about her. I have to say that, right at this moment, I tend to agree with Scarlet blue. He appeared to answer my questions openly and frankly...even if his answer was something that I could have easily taken the wrong way. So my instinct is to trust him that he has done nothing wrong. (yet) 

The opposite applies to the woman....I instinctively distrust her for many reasons...her topics of conversation, the frequency of her visits, her transparent posing and stretching etc even when I'm there and, mostly, the fact that she always seems to have to go just 5 minutes before her partner is due to get home. I'm really not sure that I have the Oscar winning acting abilities to befriend her!

So, the position remains the same really. I agreed to forgive and forget the first "fling". Am I now seeing things that aren't there because I'm so afraid that it will happen again? I can't stop my husband ever having friendships with members of the opposite sex just in case... on the other hand I don't want to be the fool that most in this forum think I'm being!

Recent_Cloud...your last sentence made me stop and think. My first marriage ended after 20 years because I stopped being able to look after my bi-polar husband. He committed suicide four years ago. His family blame me. Maybe you are closer to the truth than you thought.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

pumpkin said:


> . Maybe you are closer to the truth than you thought.


no, that's pretty much what i thought.


aside from that though, isn't it all very exhausting?

the urgent negotiations, fear and uncertainty, watching body gestures for lies, observing an interloper flaunting herslf in your home?

convincing yourself THIS TIME is different?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need counseling, then, to find out why you want him in your life. Yes, some of the time is probably great--when he's sober, if he's sober that is. But you don't get to choose which one you get, and is it really worth YOUR time to have the man you want in your life a fraction of that precious time? I'm sure you are thinking, "But it's so great when he's not drinking. . ." He cheated on you. How great can that be (and being drunk at the time is no excuse); he exposed you to STD risks, he betrayed his promise to you, etc. He is not the man you think he is or that you "project" him to be. 

If you are really happy with someone who cannot be counted on to be there when you need him (because he could start drinking again, even if he quit; his pattern is obvious), then, ok. Make that choice. But no one can fix him or help you fix him. He'll be a "part-time partner" at best. And at worst, he'll be a nightmare, bringing all sorts of risks beyond STDs into your life. I could not take that, nor would I even if I could. It's entirely up to you. You want the great guy he is when sober, but HE is an alcoholic. You cannot have one without the other.


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## Ohio Girl (Oct 25, 2009)

I would set up a camera in the house without him knowing about it. That way if you catch him and he tries to deny it you have proof. Always trust your gut instincts!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Her behavior is completely intentional and mildy flirtatious and totally wrong. As a man - I would just nice but firmly have told her what your schedule was and that WE would be glad to entertain you when my wife returned. She will take the hint and go away at that point. 

If you are/were sexually delighting him he should be very afraid of making you mad. Why is he not afraid of making you mad?




pumpkin said:


> Hi Everyone, I'm brand new to this so please bear with me!
> 
> I've been married for ten years but due to some odd circumstances I am living in the Uk and my husband is in Europe. We have managed to maintain our relationship with regular loving holidays!
> We recently bought a small house together and he is living in it alone for the time being. He now has a neighbour (a fairly attractive woman who is 10 years my junior that "pops in for coffee", on average, every other day. I have asked him about it and told him that I am really not too happy about it and he swears that there is nothing in it and she only stays for about half an hour each time.
> ...


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