# Would you still married him/her?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

If you knew on your wedding day what you know today about your spouse, would you have married him/her? 



Kids aside, as I wouldn't give them up for anything ...but if they didn't figure in to the equation my answer is no. Which made me think why am I doing this, trying to reconcile? 

I did tell him this one day, not to hurt him but so he'd understand where I was coming from. He was very hurt and said "that doesn't make me feel really good" and I couldn't believe that. I said "you cheating on me makes me feel good?"...

I have been with him for 24 years but I would give it all up if I'd known he'd cheat. No cheating is ever right but our situation was so much worse. He cheated on me for better part of a year. She was our children's sitter so I trusted her with my kids. She took money from me to watch them. She was in our house. He decided that by having things in the open I'd never suspect so he began inviting her to everything. All of our family gatherings! We were friends with her family as well so they invited us up to their cabin (she's 19 so her parents are only 10 years older than us) and we went. All the while those two are sleeping together. There were 500-600 texts every month between them. One day giving him an out I said told him that I would leave him unless he could and would give her up. He tried to deny they were having an affair but I said doesn't matter. Its her or me. Cut all communication with her if you want our marriage to work. He promised. He lied. It was just 3 weeks after that I got proof in the form of pictures on his computer. I called him because he went to the movies "by himself" and found out he was with her on a date...left our son's birthday party to go be with her...and when I confronted him he said "do we have to do this now" and when I said yes he sad "I guess our marriage is over then"...and to me it was. But then he wanted to reconcile. He has been doing his part and has changed 1000% but is it too late? Some days I hate him for what he did. Is that wrong. Now I feel like there is something wrong with me because I am unable to let go. 

I look back at my albums and want to tear up all the photos. I got rid of all the ones with her or her family members but I used to have a passion for photography and scrapbooking...I haven't taken but a handfu of photos in the last year. At halloween I took zero! Camping trip, 1 photo...This usually would have been a hundred photos. I haven't picked up a scrapbook since learning of the affair. I have more scrapbook tools and supplies than a scrapbook store has, and i used to love doing it. Now I hate it. I am going to put everything on ebay. 

I feel like every memory we have had int he last couple of years is tarnished. Then I look at a photo where I knew it was before the affair and I start to cry because I think to myself this was when we were happy but then all hell would break loose. 

I am having a particularly bad day with this today. I have my up and downs but today its much worse. Why is it worse after 14 months? I am so confused that I don't know whether I love him or not. Some days I don't even want him to touch me. I am resisting the urge to get in my car and just pick a direction and drive until I run out of gas and start over! If I did not have kids, that is exactly what I would do. I have no one to talk to.

The way I am acting maybe the three of them would be better off without me.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Have you talked to a counselor? These are some signs of depression or post traumatic stress disorder. I would consult your dr. Not doubt, what he did was absolutely awful. You, however, have to take care of yourself.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

would i? absolutely. without hesitation.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I would marry him, knowing his flaws and issues he has to work thru, again without any hesitation. It's been one hell of a hard road, but the man that has surfaced from the wreckage is worth it in every way.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

And to answer the question, no I would not have married him if I knew how it was going to go.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Great question.

No way, and the fact is we almost didn't get married. Two times during our engagement I almost called off the wedding. Once because she lied to me and the other time because her behavior embarrassed me beyond belief. I wont say we didn't have some good times during our marriage and I will always be thanful for my kids but marry her again? No way. She isn't even the type of person I would be friends with.

AZAMOMOFTWO, please, please, don't blame yourself for what is happening. Everone processes pain and grief in different ways but if you find yourself slipping further into that dark hole you need to get help. A professional councelor, a support group, friends, family, talk to anyone. Please reach out to someone for help, your kids need you forever.

Cooper


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Would I? I would have to say yes. Why? Because the good times far out weigh the bad. Because I have many more happy memories than sad. Am I completely heartbroken and mortified and upset and angry that he had the A? YES! BUT once I found out about the A, did I remember how much I loved him, enjoyed him, couldn't live without him? The answer YES! Has the past 2 weeks amidst all the hurt and pain brought back all the love? Yes, yes, yes. Is my H madly in love with me & so sorry for what he did? Yes. Has he been great in showing me that over the course of the last couple weeks and reassuring me over and over. Yes. So, would I do over? Um, yeah.


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## lexy (Nov 4, 2009)

That's a tough question. I didn't know a lot of things about my husband when I married him, that I know now. One of which would have been a deal breaker if I knew. Almost 2 years into the marriage, it's hard to say.


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## lostiniraq (Nov 5, 2009)

Please hang in there. Please take care of yourself. I will not quote corny cliches here but pick your head up. Try to see positively for YOU here. I am soooo sorry you are having a bad day. Today was hard for me also.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> If you knew on your wedding day what you know today about your spouse, would you have married him/her?


NO, I would not have married her. Because I found out when she lied admitting to a one-time fling that it was really going on for many years, and significantly, she also admitted to having had another such fling when we were engaged to be married.

Her capacity for deception is positively vile.

So no, I would have ended our relationship if i had known at least of the first affair and definitely if I had known the full scope of her later one.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why did he cheat? Seriously. Were things good between the two of you? Did you still physically desire him? I only ask because many women seem to slowly lose the physical desire for their mates in long term marriages. 

No offence intended - just asking.





AZMOMOFTWO said:


> If you knew on your wedding day what you know today about your spouse, would you have married him/her?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you everyone, I really needed the support today. StrongEnough and Cooper, you both got me to thinking and looking at different types of depression and its pretty frightening that many of these descriptions match what is happening and even explain some of the physical issues such as insomnia, stomach problems, and most recently just an all over feeling of pain. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, thought I was coming down with the flu but its not going away. 

I am thinking about calling the counselor we both saw together when this started. I trust him, I like him and he knows our situation and he does treat depression. I just never thought I would need someone for this type of thing. But pride isn't an issue here. I'll think about it. I have never had anyone to talk to about this except on this forum so maybe its what I need. 

MEM11363 actually I was blindsided. While he was having the affair inthe beginning he was very attentive, loving, said I love you and vice versa and all the way up until day I found out we were regularly intimate. For most of the time he had an affair, I was in the dark. It was one of the things that made me think I was wrong...even when things got bad, we still continued to have sex though not as regularly as before (I'd say things were bad about 2 months before I found out for certain but affair had been going on about 6 months already by then)...do I physically still desire him? Yes quite a bit. He's an extremely good looking man, thus still attracted to him at 42 as I was to him when he was 18 (when we first met). 

So why did he have an affair? I wish you could tell me. I really want to know. I've asked him and he has no clue. He says that he can't believe he ever did it but it wasn't about her. She was there and she was convenient. She was 18, and I'm 40 so maybe there you have your answer. Though I don't think it was that simple. They were emotionally involved before the PA. The other issue was turning 40 has been very hard on him, during the time of his affair he became very depressed and angry. Did the affair cause him to feel that way or did he have the affair because he felt that way??? He said he was beginning to feel old and she literally fell in to his lap. I could almost deal with that, but the emotional connection gets me every time. 

Lostiniraq, I just read your post. I am so sorry! What a tough day for you too, thanks for your support and I really hope everything works out for you and you find happiness once again.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AZMOT,
Ah hell. That is awful. I am sorry for you. I have been married 20 years - my wife - well she is by far and away the best thing ever happened to me. Nothing else even comes close. 

So - I admit I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes since neither me nor my wife has ever cheated. This is the best I can do. If my wife had someone fall into her lap and in a moment of weakness had an affair I would forgive her. I would tell her thiis was her one get out of jail free card. And then I would go somewhere by myself and cry and scream and rage until I was sane again. At which point I would come back and re-engage. I have an unfair advantage here. My wife is religious - she would feel really bad on her own. She just would. So I would leave this between her and her maker. 

I know you deserved better then this. Hope you two end up stonger/closer/better for this. 





AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Thank you everyone, I really needed the support today. StrongEnough and Cooper, you both got me to thinking and looking at different types of depression and its pretty frightening that many of these descriptions match what is happening and even explain some of the physical issues such as insomnia, stomach problems, and most recently just an all over feeling of pain. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, thought I was coming down with the flu but its not going away.
> 
> I am thinking about calling the counselor we both saw together when this started. I trust him, I like him and he knows our situation and he does treat depression. I just never thought I would need someone for this type of thing. But pride isn't an issue here. I'll think about it. I have never had anyone to talk to about this except on this forum so maybe its what I need.
> 
> ...


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I am having a tough time too lately. In awnser to your question, minus the kids I'd have to say no. If I knew now what I knew then I would have persued other options I was oblivious to at the time, but found out about later.

Getting over this has started to feel like eating off a plate someone else has shi_t on. No matter how much you clean it, or how clean someone tells you it is, you would still much rather throw it out and get a fresh plate.

I still cant shake the feeling that she did more with him than she admits, and I wonder if years down the road she will admit that I am right about that, and I wonder if I will leave her then. Not for what she did, but for lying about it right to me for so long.

Love is as tenuous as life itself. It seemed such a constant, like bedrock, but now I find that it can be cut out from under you from just a moments inattention. It makes me question what love means, what it is. I know love of a child is pure, but to choose to love someone seperate from and equal to you has proven itself to be an act of pure hope and faith. 

Sometimes I envy how simple being single would be again.


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## Hopeful&Doubtful (Aug 24, 2008)

Hey I think we all have our tough times and this has been a tough month for me.

But to answer your question absolutely not! I would not marry him knowing what I know. I really think we got married to young.

Find happiness in your children, I know that helps me make it thru. One of them will make me laugh or keep my mind off of whats going on emotionally.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

AZMOM-
I have asked myself this far too many times. And I think my answer would be no, I would not marry him. 

I wasn't sure we were even going to get married. I was pregnant and refused to get an abortion. I told him adoption was up for discussion, but no way could I stay with the man who gave our baby away. So if we were going to be together it was me and the baby or none of us. I think he wasn't totally ready to get married. I think he wanted to marry me, but wasn't quite ready to marry me yet. I didn't tell him we had to get married, just that we had to be it together. But I think he felt like getting married was "the right thing to do". 

We've had some good times, but we've had some very rough years. This just happened to be the worst thing that has ever happened to us. 

I wouldn't do it all over again, because as "good" as he's been I still don't trust him. I don't believe I have the whole truth. I believe that somewhere deep inside him he still has feelings for the OW that have been there since high school, that he can't seem to let go of. I'm not 100% convinced that she won't walk into our lives again sometime down the road. I can hope and I can try to move forward, but if I could prevent myself from living through this hell, I most certainly would, because unlike others I don't have that MORE AMAZING MARRIAGE after. I hope that someday maybe we'll be at that point, but for now, I'm just trying to let go of the anger, the mental images and the hurt that I've had for way too long.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

It is pointless to look back. The past can not be changed. I too have kids -and honestly sometimes feel so cut short by my H's betrayal that I wonder if I wasn't supposed to have my beautiful wonderful children. But I did and they are here and they are wonderul - and they make life insane and crazy and stressing sometimes. Give yourself the gift of a little time. It goes so quickly. Let the kids grow. Give them your love. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to find an answer. Some days will be great, some will suck. Its just life. Love your kids. Love your health. And love the happiness you have with your H now. Is it right? Is it as 'forever' as it once was in your mind? No. But , just live today. You've been through so much. Don't put the burden and pressure of 'solving this problem' on your shoulders. In one of your earlier posts you discussed being the problem solver. For once in your life (and I say this because I'm exactly the same) remove that burden from your OWN life. Just let it ride. Do the best you can, and let life happen. Let the 'decision' be off the table for now. Life is too crazy with kids, and all to force a decision - IF he's being the kind/good person you need him to be. You deserve and have a right to resolving one less problem today. Give your self that much needed, much deserved gift. An answer does not have to be found everyday. (Are you getting the sense that I'm telling you what I tell myself?) Just breathe. Do some yoga. Do some therapy. I do massage and cry my guts out. Then, I leave 5 pounds lighter emotionally. Remember, there are some good people out there that have been given much more difficult lives. You are healthy, you are not hungry, you have love. Appreciate the good. Make the Decision later. Give yourself a break.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hi everyone. I keep feeling guilty about being such a big *****. I don't even know IF my wife cheated or truly if her behavior was even inappropriate. So I have no right (or qualifications) to coment on all of your stomach wretching tales of true infidelity. But we can't choose the problems that lead us to depression, I guess. And regardless of how seemingly trivial the cause, I have self diagnosed myself with depression and am in the early stages of looking for treatment.

That being said, I hope I don't further trivialize this thread with the following observation. I was fascinated by everyone who said they had a tough couple of days. I too was on a big downward spiral starting last Saturday (I know what triggered it, it's just that it usually goes away faster than it did this time and was more intense, finally starting to ease yesterday).

My Mom used to work in a nursing home that specialized in cases of mild dementia. She SWORE that a full moon would affect the behaviors of the residents. 

All I can think of was looking at the big, beautiful full moon in the sky the past couple of days...


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