# Married while grieving & sexual complications



## gatonegrita (Mar 5, 2012)

Coming here because I really don't know where to turn at this point. My husband and I married less than 6 months ago. While we were engaged, I had doubts about getting married because I didn't feel very physically attracted to him. We clicked in many other areas and he treated and still treats me like a queen. My husband (by most people's standards) is not very attractive and I'm considered very attractive (to the point that people have outwardly questioned how we got together). This always made me uncomfortable but I was attracted to who he was as a person and thought the discomfort would pass.

However, I still had my doubts while dating because of the physical attraction issue. As I was trying to sort through all this, my father became ill. I was very preoccupied by all this and once casually mentioned to my husband that I wanted my father to see me get married. Very soon after, he proposed. I was completely blindsided and upset. He proposed in a public place and had told all my family and friends what he was planning to do. I was blindsided. A week later I tried to break off the engagement but he talked me out of it. He said I could take as long as I needed to feel right about the engagement. He just wanted to fulfill my wish of having my dad see me marry. Soon after, my dad's health took a bad turn for the worse. My family and friends started pressuring me to plan the wedding I had been putting off. My husband and I also started a business that took off at the same time my dad started dying. And I quit my job. I was completely overwhelmed.

When I realized my father was actively dying, I asked him (my dad) if he wanted to see me get married. He said yes. I wanted to give this to my dad because he was worried about me being cared for after he died. So my husband and I got married at my father's deathbed. Afterwards, my husband started working like crazy and I did too. So much so that I didn't have time to realize what I had done or to grieve my father's death. My husband started pushing me when it came to working our business even though I was becoming emotionally and physically unwell. Now 6 months later, I'm stunned and overwhelmed by the whole situation. I am not sexually attracted to my husband at all. For a while I thought I was a lesbian (because I couldn't get turned on) until recently when I met a man who I am sexually attracted to (I have not had an affair or anything). I just realized I still have sexual feelings. I don't know what to do. I want to divorce but feel ashamed and confused. I also don't want to hurt my husband who really loves me and is very sweet. Overall, I have a good life but the sex is just bad. The thought of not having sex (we don't have sex anymore) is unbearable. I've tried and I'm just not into it and can't make myself. I'm physically repelled sometimes and jump when he tries to touch me sexually. Even with lubricant, I'm dry and uncomfortable and have ended up with frequent infections as a result, which makes me avoid the whole thing even more. I feel physically ill when I think of having sex with him and the whole stressful situation. I'm a sexual person and have fantasies about being sexual for a man (just not my husband). Any advice? Anyone else been in a similar situation?


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

thats a complicated situation but i think if you truely are not attracted to him and do not love him you must move on. Even though he loves you im sure he doesnt enjoy being in a sexless marriage either so why torture both of you holding on to something that isnt real.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

It sounds like you thought it could work but just didn't. It would be decent of you to just be honest and tell your husband that you aren't feeling it for him. He would probably be horrified to think that you see him this way and would not want you to keep being with him if you don't want him. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't want them. No one wants to be the person that someone is stuck with. So you made a mistake, that's okay. Your husband will get over it -- as long as you respect him enough to be honest and tell him that you don't want to be married to him before you go out and get with someone else. Cheating is way way worse. If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want someone to let you down gently instead of suffering you or being dishonest to you? There's no honor in pretending because you're denying yourselves something real by doing so. Break it to him gently but firmly. He'll get over it. And then maybe you can go find someone who does turn you on and he can find someone who thinks the world of him; you'll both be happier that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, let him go in the kindest way you can. He deserved to have someone who is attracted to him and wants him.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I believe marriage is for life and you have to do your best to make it that way. You havent told us what is wrong with your husband. Just because other people told you he wasnt attractive. One shouldnt listen to this and they shouldnt be saying this to a woman about her husband. You somehow have to get over this and be a wife to him.


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## contemplating divorce (Mar 12, 2012)

gatonegrita said:


> Coming here because I really don't know where to turn at this point. My husband and I married less than 6 months ago. While we were engaged, I had doubts about getting married because I didn't feel very physically attracted to him. We clicked in many other areas and he treated and still treats me like a queen. My husband (by most people's standards) is not very attractive and I'm considered very attractive (to the point that people have outwardly questioned how we got together). This always made me uncomfortable but I was attracted to who he was as a person and thought the discomfort would pass.
> 
> However, I still had my doubts while dating because of the physical attraction issue. As I was trying to sort through all this, my father became ill. I was very preoccupied by all this and once casually mentioned to my husband that I wanted my father to see me get married. Very soon after, he proposed. I was completely blindsided and upset. He proposed in a public place and had told all my family and friends what he was planning to do. I was blindsided. A week later I tried to break off the engagement but he talked me out of it. He said I could take as long as I needed to feel right about the engagement. He just wanted to fulfill my wish of having my dad see me marry. Soon after, my dad's health took a bad turn for the worse. My family and friends started pressuring me to plan the wedding I had been putting off. My husband and I also started a business that took off at the same time my dad started dying. And I quit my job. I was completely overwhelmed.
> 
> When I realized my father was actively dying, I asked him (my dad) if he wanted to see me get married. He said yes. I wanted to give this to my dad because he was worried about me being cared for after he died. So my husband and I got married at my father's deathbed. Afterwards, my husband started working like crazy and I did too. So much so that I didn't have time to realize what I had done or to grieve my father's death. My husband started pushing me when it came to working our business even though I was becoming emotionally and physically unwell. Now 6 months later, I'm stunned and overwhelmed by the whole situation. I am not sexually attracted to my husband at all. For a while I thought I was a lesbian (because I couldn't get turned on) until recently when I met a man who I am sexually attracted to (I have not had an affair or anything). I just realized I still have sexual feelings. I don't know what to do. I want to divorce but feel ashamed and confused. I also don't want to hurt my husband who really loves me and is very sweet. Overall, I have a good life but the sex is just bad. The thought of not having sex (we don't have sex anymore) is unbearable. I've tried and I'm just not into it and can't make myself. I'm physically repelled sometimes and jump when he tries to touch me sexually. Even with lubricant, I'm dry and uncomfortable and have ended up with frequent infections as a result, which makes me avoid the whole thing even more. I feel physically ill when I think of having sex with him and the whole stressful situation. I'm a sexual person and have fantasies about being sexual for a man (just not my husband). Any advice? Anyone else been in a similar situation?


Physical attraction is usually how we pick our mates. Til death do you part is a LONG time if you are not sexually attracted to your spouse. To be blunt, sex is healthy, so if you are not having sex with him, you are actually affecting his health and yours. A great man, although unattractive, can have a way of "growing" on you, so if all that is "wrong" with him is in the looks category, you just might be fortunate. I would trade my good looking, 6'1, perfect hair, perfect smile husband for one that is loving, caring, & not selfish any day. Looks do not make the man. All that aside though, you thought you were doing the right thing by your dad, but if he were well & you had said "Dad, I know you want to see me get married, but if I married just for your sake, would you be happy for me?" His answer would have been "No". He may be looking down upon you from above, and if his wish was for you to be happy, he appreciates you for being such a wonderful person, but he never intended for you to make a sacrifice for him. Before making a decision as to stay or go, think of all the women you've known all of your life. Now think of their husbands looks. What kind of men were they? The good looking ones had the wives that would say they have the most fulfilling lives? Did the lesser attractive ones try harder to make their wives happy? What would you tell your best friend if she were in your situation? You may have done the wrong thing for what seemed to be all the right reasons. Try not reminding yourself that you don't feel he is attractive for a little while. What characteristics does he have that would make some other woman lucky to have him as her husband? Are you willing to give those up & try to find those in a handsome man? It is O.K. if you are. You are human & we all make mistakes. Thank God some are correctable! You don't need to tell him you aren't attracted to him as that could feel cruel to him as it translates into "You are not attractive." Say to him what you would want said to you if the roles were reversed.


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## maddecent (Feb 27, 2012)

Let him go in the kindest way you can.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

It does sound like you should get divorced because you keep emphasizing how you are not physically attracted to your husband, and you felt pressured into getting married.

I would set a time period, say 3-6 months, and try to concentrate on what you like about your husband. Does he meet your emotional need for affection, financial support, activities together? 

Do you two complement each other? Do your strengths and weakness balance each other?

If you have tried your best to work together as a couple, and you still do not feel any attraction for him, then yes, by all means let him go. It does not get any better, and you both deserve to have spouses who are thrilled to be married to you. Life is too short to make each other miserable.


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## gatonegrita (Mar 5, 2012)

accept said:


> I believe marriage is for life and you have to do your best to make it that way. You havent told us what is wrong with your husband. Just because other people told you he wasnt attractive. One shouldnt listen to this and they shouldnt be saying this to a woman about her husband. You somehow have to get over this and be a wife to him.



Thank you so much for replying. I agree that marriage is for life but honestly, in the haze of everything that was going on when I married (I had been caring for my dad almost day and night for a few months and working my business), I wasn't thinking about it that way. I think that's why I don't actually feel married. My marriage feels almost like a dream or something that didn't really happen. 

As for the attractive part, it's not just that other people have told me that my husband is unattractive. I did not think he was attractive when I met him and actually almost didn't talk to him after he asked me for my number. 

I didn't want to list the details here, but in short: he's short, bald, has breast, a generally unattractive face, bad teeth, two toes on each foot are fused together and he doesn't have any toenails on his big toes, he's patchy and hairy, he wears very thick glasses, and he has an ear hair problem. 

I think the comments from other people come from the fact that I'm younger and am regularly (at least once every 2 weeks) compared to a Victoria's Secret model. I've just started to realize that I'm generally more attractive than the average woman because I really didn't focus on that much in the past. I'm a nerd (in terms of intelligence and interests) and the person I am inside doesn't match the stereotype of how I should look. I've actually started resorting to trying "ugly" myself up to deal with the attention (not doing my hair, not wearing makeup, wearing baggy clothes). I hope this provides a little more information about my situation.


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