# My husband never initiates!



## bigbang (Jun 6, 2015)

Hi everyone,
I need some opinions. I have been married for 13 years and in that period I have initiated sex almost 80% of the time. Is this normal? My H is my first and only partner so I never thought it was a big deal since he never rejects me. But recently, I have started resenting this. In the beginning it was half and half but now if I don't initiate, we'll go without it for weeks/months. It bothers me and I tried telling him but he doesn't see an issue. He tells me he is attracted to me and he is physically very affectionate. I lost about 50lbs in the last 4 years and my sex drive has gone up over the years. I am a very attractive woman. So I don't understand why I have to ask for it. It sometimes makes me sad and upset. I also think the issue might have to do with his lack of self esteem because he gained lots of weight over the years. We both went on a diet and he lost about 80lbs and gained it all back. I maintained what I lost. I know that makes him feel bad but he is refusing to do anything about it at this point. Any suggestions on how I can motivate him to initiate more? Weight is a problem but I still love him and I want him to want me. I got men hitting on me all the time at work since my weight loss and it upsets me he doesn't want me enough to initiate. :frown2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married for 13 years... how long together?

Has there ever been a period in your relationship where, more often than not, you rejected him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he's very low drive.

Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked?


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## bigbang (Jun 6, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Married for 13 years... how long together?
> 
> Has there ever been a period in your relationship where, more often than not, you rejected him?


Total 15 years. There was a period of one year after birth of my daughter that we did not have sex because I had a really difficult labor with lot of damage but that was it. Honestly, I don't get the chance the reject him since he hardly ever initiates.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

How strongly did you bring up issue with him. He may not have realized how much this is affecting your relationship. Take him for a walk & tell him - " I need you to grab me and tell me how much you want to f--- my brains out and then DO IT! It's affecting my feelings for you and my self worth when you don't show me your fire for me!" Discuss topic someplace other than bedroom so he has time to process & does not feel pressured to perform right away. The extra weight may be starting to affect when & how long he can keep it up. This can affect a guy's confidence. This can be reversed, starting with walking & viagra.

Low T would be another thing to check. Also, both of you read the 5 Love Languages book and ask him to speak your top 3 on a regular basis.


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## bigbang (Jun 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like he's very low drive.
> 
> Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked?


But if he has a very low drive, how is it that he never rejects me? I can initiate every day or once a month and he will be fine with both. I don't get it. I think it may have something to do with body image he has of himself. My husband is an extremely attractive male who is currently extremely overweight. He has also been very unhappy about size of his member. He thinks he is extremely small. I don't know if he is or not, I have no one else to compare it with but I tell him all the time, I am always satisfied after sex. I guess I should not be complaining, it could be worse but I feel like the man in the relationship most of the time.


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## bigbang (Jun 6, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> How strongly did you bring up issue with him. He may not have realized how much this is affecting your relationship. Take him for a walk & tell him - " I need you to grab me and tell me how much you want to f--- my brains out and then DO IT! It's affecting my feelings for you and my self worth when you don't show me your fire for me!" Discuss topic someplace other than bedroom so he has time to process & does not feel pressured to perform right away. The extra weight may be starting to affect when & how long he can keep it up. This can affect a guy's confidence. This can be reversed, starting with walking & viagra.
> 
> Low T would be another thing to check. Also, both of you read the 5 Love Languages book and ask him to speak your top 3 on a regular basis.


Thank you, these are very good suggestions. I usually bring things up in bed, perhaps, that is a mistake. We have a very good communication when it comes to other things. I have heard about the 5 Love Languages book, I will definitely look in to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Average penis size is 4.5 and 6.5 inches long 

https://www.promescent.com/penis-size

But what matters is if the two of you enjoy your sex.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Average penis size is 4.5 and 6.5 inches long
> 
> https://www.promescent.com/penis-size
> 
> But what matters is if the two of you enjoy your sex.


He will look bigger if he gets rid of the weight too!!!

Sometimes I wish I could talk to these men that have wives that actually want sex. I'd slap em upside the head & tell them to wake up and appreciate what they have. That, and get yo ass to the gym.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bigbang said:


> But if he has a very low drive, how is it that he never rejects me? I can initiate every day or once a month and he will be fine with both. I don't get it. *I think it may have something to do with body image he has of himself.* My husband is an extremely attractive male who is currently extremely overweight. He has also been very unhappy about size of his member. He thinks he is extremely small. I don't know if he is or not, I have no one else to compare it with but I tell him all the time, I am always satisfied after sex. I guess I should not be complaining, it could be worse but I feel like the man in the relationship most of the time.


Very possible.

There's also this...

4 Ways Obesity Kills Your Manhood | Rodale News


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## bigbang (Jun 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Average penis size is 4.5 and 6.5 inches long
> 
> https://www.promescent.com/penis-size
> 
> But what matters is if the two of you enjoy your sex.


He is probably less than 4 inches. I don't really care, I orgasm every time we have sex. He is a very sensitive my needs and I love him. He knows that.


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## bigbang (Jun 6, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Very possible.
> 
> There's also this...
> 
> 4 Ways Obesity Kills Your Manhood | Rodale News


All 4 is probably true for my H. Especially the last one, I think he hates his body so he thinks I must dislike him too. But I do not. He has the most handsome face and after 13 years, I still love looking at him. Bottom line issue for us, I think, is his weight. He always had weight issues but he was never as heavy as he is right now. I try to motivate him to lose weight but it is not working. I am not sure what to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bigbang said:


> All 4 is probably true for my H. Especially the last one, I think he hates his body so he thinks I must dislike him too. But I do not. He has the most handsome face and after 13 years, I still love looking at him. Bottom line issue for us, I think, is his weight. He always had weight issues but he was never as heavy as he is right now. I try to motivate him to lose weight but it is not working. I am not sure what to do.


There's not much that you _can_ do. He has to want to do it, and he has to want it for himself. But more than that, he has to believe that he CAN do it; and, unfortunately, having done it before doesn't actually make that much of a difference in that regard.

And it's not about whether or not he loves you (or anyone else, for that matter), whether or not he loves you enough, etc.

It's about how much he hates himself.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

bigbang said:


> But if he has a very low drive, how is it that he never rejects me? I can initiate every day or once a month and he will be fine with both. I don't get it. I think it may have something to do with body image he has of himself. My husband is an extremely attractive male who is currently extremely overweight. He has also been very unhappy about size of his member. He thinks he is extremely small. I don't know if he is or not, I have no one else to compare it with but I tell him all the time, I am always satisfied after sex. I guess I should not be complaining, it could be worse but I feel like the man in the relationship most of the time.


Does he feel threatened by your weight loss? I know he lost weight with you but gained it back. Has he ever exhibited feelings that you may be looking to step out on him? Has he ever accused you of cheating? Wondering if he feels more intimidated by you since you are sexier than him at the moment.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bigbang said:


> But if he has a very low drive, how is it that he never rejects me? I can initiate every day or once a month and he will be fine with both. I don't get it. I think it may have something to do with body image he has of himself. My husband is an extremely attractive male who is currently extremely overweight. He has also been very unhappy about size of his member. He thinks he is extremely small. I don't know if he is or not, I have no one else to compare it with but I tell him all the time, I am always satisfied after sex. I guess I should not be complaining, it could be worse but I feel like the man in the relationship most of the time.


I doubt very much that it's his self-image that's affecting his drive, but rather that's it's his overall health.

If he has a smaller than average penis, this isn't news to him. It didn't stop him years ago. If he's overweight and you still want him sexually, then it's doubtful that he's worried about what you think in that regard. If you orgasm every time you have sex with him (and he knows this), then he knows he's capable, and you're willing.

And above all, if he doesn't reject you, then none of the above are really applicable. When people (men or women) have performance anxiety, or don't feel good about their bodies, they typically avoid sex altogether, and they DO reject or deflect or make excuses or say "tomorrow". This doesn't seem to be happening, and moreover, you seem like you're quite satisfied with sex when it happens.

Now, I am in the same boat as you. I do the initiating 90% of the time (or more). My wife DOES reject me, but I know when I pick my spots, I'll be successful. She is also overweight (not obese, though) and does not like her body all that much. But when we do have sex, it's always at least good and she has no problem getting in the moment, orgasming, etc. Basically, she's the female version of your husband, as you describe him. And yes, I feel the same way about her not initiating as you do about him doing the same. It hurts, and it's difficult to understand why people are like that sometimes.

I've resigned myself to the fact that sex is just not important to my wife. She truly could take it or leave it, regardless of how much she actually enjoys it when it happens. I've also given up trying to figure out why it is the way it is. Is it hormonal? Caused by stres elsewhere? Anxiety induced? Who knows. All I do know is that it's not a priority in her life.

At the end of the day, it's not how I want things to be in regards to marital sex, and you are experiencing this as well. It IS painful, but one has to remind themselves on occasion that it's not them, it's their partner. And no amount of discussion is likely to get through, unfortunately (that doesn't mean don't try). Ultimately, it's up the individual to make any changes necessary, if there are even changes to be made.

In the meantime, take solace that our spouses DO have sex with us, they DO seem to enjoy it when it happens (as do we), and that they love us outside of the bedroom as well. But unfortunately, they have a different order of priorities than we do.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I initiate almost all the time, but I am okay with it now. I guess one cannot have everything. We had sex Sunday night... which is not a very good time because of work the next day. Fri night or Sat night are best. In any case, I give her a massage and kiss her a few times and she just lets me do my thing. After she is warmed up, she slowly makes moves by holding my hand or hugging me. I have to do all the work though but it is fine. 

She has a good girl syndrome and doesn't want to be seen as a "****" though we have been married over 10 years. My technique these days is just to extend foreplay and get her so sexed up that she makes me do what she likes.  Like I just kissed around her exposed breast without touching the nipple and I could see it get erect and I blew over it with my breath until she grabbed my head and put my mouth over it. I need to get her to be open to some oral on herself. For me is a long way off. She needs to loosen up.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what's with all the recent posts about dudes that don't initiate???

Come on dudes; dammit, drop the porn and start initiating!!!

btw, I like it more when my wife initiates too, but not initiating is shirking your responsibilities.
Grow up!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

There's also this...

4 Ways Obesity Kills Your Manhood | Rodale News[/QUOTE]

Interesting article, sounds like my husband, add in job stress, depression (his part) house stress (we moved for his job and our house is for sale in another city) financial stress (paying rent and a mortgage)always tired because he doesn't sleep well, diabetes, back pain and it's no surprise we rarely have sex. His penis has shrunk due to loss of testosterone (he brought this up) so PIV is difficult and I think that contributes to it too. I usually initiate when it has gone weeks not because I need it physically it's because I feel it brings us closer together. I know in his case it isn't that he isn't attracted to me and he is affectionate in other ways.


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