# Much Needed Advice and Support



## retail19 (Sep 8, 2014)

Hi,
Well first off I am new to posting here so I will just give a general background. I have been married for almost 5 years, and all 5yrs have been very frustrating and disappointing. My husband and I met in college and were both attending church regularly. After we were married he stopped going all together and I went when I could. I had to give up finishing college when my husband couldn't work due to a concussion and epilepsy (this was supposed to be for a short time as his brain wasn't functioning fully for a couple months) He is better now. When I gave up school I worked 2 full time jobs to bring in enough to pay for our apartment but debt was wracking up and he still wasnt working. I work retail and don't have the luxury of taking time off whenever I would like which means it is hard for me to always get everything done.

I am the sole provider in my household and that is really where most of my anger and frustration lie. I have been the sole provider for all 5 years while my husband sits at home on the computer all day. I have tried everything to get him to get a job but he just wont. I don't support divorce really but I am not sure if I can keep this up for the rest of my life. I have no friends where I live as we just moved again (4th time since we married) and I feel very disconnected from everything. I would love to go out and do stuff but my husband doesn't want to. I wouldn't be so frustrated that he sits at home all day if he was productive, but he isn't. 

On top of my full time job, I am also in charge of all the household chores, and taking care of our cats. On a rare occasion he might throw something precooked in the oven for dinner but that's about it. I am not very positive about the future and I don't know what to do from here. I am hoping someone on here can lend me some advice from their marriages.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He gets a job and goes to marriage counseling, or you get a divorce.

Seriously. Why is he allowed to sit home on his a$$ all day and surf the internet? His illness ended long ago.

You are *enabling* him by working two jobs and busting your hump to pay all the bills. And take care of the house. And the cats.

Give him an ultimatum and a deadline. And stop being his crutch. And whatever you do, don't get pregnant until you figure this out.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I've seen this before. Sometimes an otherwise good spouse will have depression problems, get down in a funk, and need something to jar them out of it. But five years? I'm afraid your husband has gotten too comfortable in this rut and needs a good shake. It's time for tough love and if that doesn't work then you better consider divorce. 

I'm all for rescuing marriage and nudging folks to a better level of performance, but you must be realistic. Does he aspire to a career? Do you two have a plan to achieve financial independence? Do you have a game plan on where you want to be in five years, ten years? How will you get there?

You should also understand that you will not be able to endure this forever. In fact you will lose respect for him and be tempted to seek fulfillment with another man. If you do this you will damage yourself severely in being able to have successful relationships in the future. Do not become a cheater at any cost. If you must go to another man be sure to get out of your current marriage first.

I suggest you get the book, MMSLP and get hubby to read it. Tell him your marriage is in trouble and the book has many keys to save it. Try to do it first without ultimatum, but if he won't you may have to get creative in getting him to see the light of how important it is. If he can't turn it around divorce is likely in the future. Good luck.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

retail19 said:


> I don't support divorce really but I am not sure if I can keep this up for the rest of my life.


It's understandable that you would feel very frustrated but I'm glad that you are not jumping into divorce.

Your situation sounds very much like what I faced. I did manage to avoid divorce.

How is your sex life?


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## jeanruthhogan (Sep 19, 2014)

Sounds like you are in the same boat as me! I hope you figured out what to do. Like you, I've been married a bit, 7 years. We each have a daughter from a previous marriage which really complicates things. He lost his job almost 2 years ago and I work full-time. And I work almost 2 hours away which means I have long days. Money is so tight we can't afford to keep utilities on and we're about to be evicted. Some weeks we can barely afford to eat...I just don't know what to do. I have been staying with my parents for the last few days and he is all over the place emotionally. Gone from angry to weeping and saying he'll do anything. I'm just lost and confused.


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