# CONFIDENCE is affair kryptonite



## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

this just occured to me and i posted it in another thread, but i wanted to put it out there for all to see.

something ive figured out that others may have, is that as you do what ever plan you do to get over the affair or save the marriage, the one thing that seems to battle both the external factors of a WS (particularly a wife) and the internal factors that we deal with, is that confidence seems to have the biggest impact.

it not only makes us feel better about ourselves and helps us handle the soul crushing blow of the affair and the low self esteem we will all suffer from, 

but when we regain confidence, it makes us more attractive to everyone around us.

im not saying its easy to regain. but once you get a taste of it, hopefully youll get swept up in the Confidence Fog and use logic and feeling good about yourself to handle everything that comes your way...



but thats just my rambling 2 cents...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Spot on. That's why as soon as someone starts mistreating you and saying they want out, be condident enough & respect yourself enough to LET THEM GO.

"You don't want to be with me? You don't want to put forth 100%? No problem. Goodbye."


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

waiting for that confidence fog to hit. i've never felt so ugly and unattractive,undesirable,etc...in my life.

so i'm faking it til i make it. 

if you can't get real confidence, just ooze fake confidence. they'll never know the difference.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Since D-day (7 weeks) i've been jogging, weight training and being more active with the kids. I've dropped from 14 stone (196lb) to 11.5 stone (161lb) as I aim towards my target weight of 10 stone (140lb). I'm only 5'5". A short guy 
My confidence is steadily increasing, especially when people mention how good I look (insert beaming grin here).
My WW and I are now starting our MC sessions, the first one a week Friday - non-negotiable. We have tried to do this on our own, but keep stumbling over the same things and struggle to move forward. This is not been helped as my wife has suffered depression for years and when things get difficult she tends to turtle and hide within a shell, and this is something that needs to be out in the open. So we both feel confident that at MC we can put our cards on the table and work through this.
So, yes. My confidence is actually increasing.
D-day = worthless
D-day + 7 weeks = a little better


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

elph said:


> this just occured to me and i posted it in another thread, but i wanted to put it out there for all to see.
> 
> something ive figured out that others may have, is that as you do what ever plan you do to get over the affair or save the marriage, the one thing that seems to battle both the external factors of a WS (particularly a wife) and the internal factors that we deal with, is that confidence seems to have the biggest impact.
> 
> ...


Preaching to the choir here elph. I've always credited confidence as a major part of our recovery. That's why it's part of my signature line.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> waiting for that confidence fog to hit. i've never felt so ugly and unattractive,undesirable,etc...in my life.
> 
> so i'm faking it til i make it.
> 
> if you can't get real confidence, just ooze fake confidence. they'll never know the difference.


I think anyone who knows you well will know the difference. True confidence flows effortlessly. You can't really fake that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Exactly Elph.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CC-
Sometimes you have to fake confidence, especially on D-day or should I say when you confront..discovery is on thing but on confronting the WS it is so important to show them confidence #1 so as not to empower them and #2 getting them to second guess there unhealthy decision to stay in the affair.

I can remember how weak I felt but I understood that I couldn't show it ...no crying or begging, I had to confront my cheating wife with the confidence that i could move on with out her and that I was not going to tolorate her behavior anymore.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. And yes I was prepared to move on if she didn't make the healthy choice. To work on the marriage/family. I was confident I could move on but man what I really wanted to do was cry.


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## Trinity5 (Jun 4, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Since D-day (7 weeks) i've been jogging, weight training and being more active with the kids. I've dropped from 14 stone (196lb) to 11.5 stone (161lb) as I aim towards my target weight of 10 stone (140lb). I'm only 5'5". A short guy


Same here. My D-Day was May 26th - Weighed 307lbs - Since then I've barely eat, and work out every day. Weighed in at 275lbs this morning. Figures if this ends up in divorce no one wants a fatty! Congratulations.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"if you can't get real confidence, just ooze fake confidence. they'll never know the difference." You CAN tell the difference.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Ahh... you can't fake it.

So in that case, if you can't fake it, go no contact.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "if you can't get real confidence, just ooze fake confidence. they'll never know the difference." You CAN tell the difference.


Not if they see you talking to someone hotter than they.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Around someone hotter or not, you just can't fake how you feel, IMO.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Around someone hotter or not, you just can't fake how you feel, IMO.


True but it sure pisses them off.:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is true. 

Storytime: Was going to a lab one morning and stopped by Starbucks. (*By now H and I are waiting on divorce final hearing and he's barely speaking to me, he wants the D on his terms and that is IT). Need quarters to park at my lab and tell barrista that but she says she doesn't have change for me. Guy behind me in line overhears this & says, I have quarters. He's kind of cute in that nerd way. I say, Great and he holds out his hand and offers me some change and says "take as much as you like." I think he was flirting. I aNOT a flirt at all but was feeling kinda sexy that morning (lol) and go and get my sugar/cream. I hear people coming into Starbucks, pay no mind. Nerd Guy is behind me again and wishes me a nice day at my lab and smiles at me. I smile back a big smile and thank him & leave. Walking to car, I see H's work truck. I am like, WTF. I glance inside and WHO is staring me ??? H! He was staring hard. I think he thought NerdGuy was someone I was "with." 

Later H texts me saying I must be so happy with the divorce (his choice, btw) since I won't have to "hide" anything. Hilarious. What a joke. So yes, having hot people around DOES make the wayward jealous. Even if it's a guy offering you quarters. hehe.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

The flirt in line would have been a good start to the day, but your ex-husband seeing-well that must have made your day?!:rofl:

Would love that to happen to me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

At the time I felt badly he iddn't even say hi to me when he walked in plus I was already feeling rejected by the unwanted divorce BUT looking back, yeah, it was a nice confidence booster  Also it didn't hurt that I was feeling extra good that morning before I saw my now-exH.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Sory if I jumped to conclusions Jelly, I recently saw my H who I am separated from, and he did not say Hello, and it hurt me too. 

( Oh, Jelly I was wondering if I could send you a message, I always value what you have to say about NO CONTACT, and I have something I would like your opinion on?)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, send away.


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## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

Trinity5 said:


> Same here. My D-Day was May 26th - Weighed 307lbs - Since then I've barely eat, and work out every day. Weighed in at 275lbs this morning. Figures if this ends up in divorce no one wants a fatty! Congratulations.



LOL I think we share a same D-day date lol, well I can say my confidence levels are peaking I used to do quite a bit of gym work when married but still had my man boobs and gut; Since then I have been going gym 2 times a day 5-6 times a week pumping the iron and have already got my 4 pac back not long till I get the full 6 showing again. 

I do feel good about myself I even start to get stares from other women on the st so at the moment I'm on cloud nine with confidence, my wife thinks im losing a bit to much weight prob because I will get more attention and I feel as if she's starting to show me more attention, well if all else fails at least I will have the confidence to step back out of the market and I dont think I will have to much trouble getting back into the game im just glad she did this to me when im still in the peak of my prime and not when im a lot older. I dont mean to talk my sh!t up but I really do feel good about myself, better than I have felt in a long time..


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