# I want out.



## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. We got married 3 years ago. He is now 61, and I am 50. About a year ago, I started getting a bad vibe and started snooping. I managed to get into his email and discovered that he was having an EA with an old flame in which he was trying to convince her to rekindle the romance into a PA. The only reason my husband didn't have a PA was because the old flame turned him down, pointing out to him that she wanted to be a friend to him and to me and our daughter.

I wanted to kill him. The urge was pretty strong with the pain of DDay so fresh. But I kept quiet. What was I going to do? I've been a SAHM since we got together. I have no job, and I've recently developed some health problems. I need the insurance to cover those problems even if I could afford to move out. So, basically, I decided to wait and try to work things out with him mostly because I was trapped financially into staying in the situation.

A couple of months went by, and I contrived a way to "find out" about the EA by accident. I confronted him, and he seemed remorseful and gave me full access to all his email accounts after that. He stopped communicating with the old flame, and our marriage SEEMED to get better...except for the sex. 

We've had sex twice in the last year. I feel unattractive and too vulnerable to really want sex right now, but he's not even tried. 

I had no way to keep track of his phone calls because he always had a prepaid phone. And it would have been FAR too easy to get a new email address from his workplace. So, in the back of my mind, I've never felt secure about his loving words of placation.

On the outside, we seem to be fine as a couple. But inside, I know we're not. I didn't have confirmation of that till this week.

We finally bought iPhones a few weeks ago. We had both heard about someone getting a stolen phone back by using Find My iPhone. A couple of days ago, I noticed that he had an extra set of clothes with him as he left for work. He claimed that they were doing some work at the office in replacing some drywall, and that he didn't want to get any paint or drywall dust all over his good clothes. I tried to go back to sleep after he left for work.

But it's never sat well with me that he leaves for work around 4:30 a.m., but he doesn't have to be at work until 7 a.m. When I questioned him about it, he said it gives him some alone time to eat his breakfast and to read the newspaper. Things most folks would do at home rather than show up to work that early. (It's about a 35-40 minute drive that early in the morning.)

After he left with clothes in hand, I decided to see if I could find him with the Find My iPhone app. I plugged in his email and guessed his password correctly first time around. I watched him drive the typical route to work...up until he was almost there. Then, he turned into a residential area, circling one area and finally coming to stop at one house. 

I was so furious as I watched and waited. I wanted to drive there and take the car just so he could freak out when he came out and found it gone. I couldn't, though, because I have a young daughter whom I couldn't leave alone and whom I had to get ready for school. 

Still, I watched and waited. He stayed there a little past an hour. Finally, I saw his car on the move again, heading to his work place. I told my oldest daughter about not finding my husband where he should have been. She pointed out that the app might not be accurate. So, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt after that.

Until this morning. His car is once again parked at the same house. I find it difficult to believe that this app is mistaken when it definitely shows him in the right place later...at the time he's actually supposed to be at work. It also is accurate when it shows he's at home, too. Where he is parked now is too far away from his work for it to simply be a place he parks and then walks to work. Plus, that early in the morning, he never has trouble finding a spot to park at work.

So, what do I do next? How can I get copies of his text records or phone history? He is still on a prepaid plan, and I'm sure he deletes any text that might incriminate him. However, I read somewhere that if he backs his phone up on iTunes that it's possible to retrieve the phone history. Is this true? Can someone help me figure this out? 

Also, what is the best VAR to buy? My funds are limited, but I don't want to waste my time or money by buying a cheap VAR that ends up not working well enough when I need it to. 

No, I'm not looking at R...I'm looking at getting all my ducks in a row as I get my life back together, emotionally, physically and financially. Then, when I feel able to leave, I'll just throw all of my info at him along with D papers.

The hardest part now is pretending I don't know and playing the happy, loving wife while inside I am heartbroken and angry.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. We got married 3 years ago. He is now 61, and I am 50. About a year ago, I started getting a bad vibe and started snooping. I managed to get into his email and discovered that he was having an EA with an old flame in which he was trying to convince her to rekindle the romance into a PA. The only reason my husband didn't have a PA was because the old flame turned him down, pointing out to him that she wanted to be a friend to him and to me and our daughter.
> 
> I wanted to kill him. The urge was pretty strong with the pain of DDay so fresh. But I kept quiet. What was I going to do? I've been a SAHM since we got together. I have no job, and I've recently developed some health problems. I need the insurance to cover those problems even if I could afford to move out. So, basically, I decided to wait and try to work things out with him mostly because I was trapped financially into staying in the situation.
> 
> ...


Hi,

Sorry you are here:

Firstly, Weightlifter has a thing about VARs. I'll PM him for you so he can post it here.

Secondly, do you stand to gain anything by finding further lies and details that will torture you if you have already decided that you want out of the marriage?

If there is a chance of reconciliation, then I would think you have enough evidence to confont already.

Why would he need a spare change of clothes to have sex with someone?

Are you sure there can be no other explanation to all this? Perhaps he *is* taking drywall down at work and maybe the residential house is a counselor, or whatever?

Admittedly, it isn't sounding great, but there might be more to look at before throwing in the towel...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry you are here. You should get prepared to file for divorce. Sometimes he may come out of the affair fog, when you hand him the divorce papers. I hope when you do confront him that he does not deny and deny. It would be good to find out who is at that address.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

My husband works for a company that contracts with local hospitals to fix equipment. He is a biomedical electronics engineer...meaning he fixes things like IV pumps, autoclavs, and tube systems as well as a long list of other medical equipment. 

Lately, he works for the hospital around 4 or 5 hours, and then has to head back to the company he actually works for for the rest of the day. The clothes he actually took with him were BETTER than his normal clothes rather than the work clothes that he supposedly had tucked under his arm. He was trying to say he was taking jeans and a t-shirt, when that wasn't under his arm. No, he wouldn't have to have a change of clothes to have sex...but he certainly wouldn't change into better clothes to do drywall work either. 

No part of his job ever takes him to residential areas, so I'd have a difficult time believing this as his excuse.

I guess the reason I want to have more proof is that at this point, he could try to turn this around that I'm relying on an app that isn't foolproof. Even with proof, I won't confront because he won't know I'm going until I'm gone. 

However, I guess I need the proof to know that I'm not just flying off the handle over nothing simply because I'm triggering. What if the app IS wrong? What if it's just a glitch. I have to admit it is repeating that glitch if that's the case. 

I love my husband. In truth, I don't WANT a divorce. But if he's a serial cheater, I don't see anything changing for the better. Maybe I'm just battling insecurity. I admit that. I also admit that I'm so emotional about it right now that I want proof so that I know with my head instead of just reacting with my emotions.

But if he really IS having an affair, I'll just have to figure out what to do next as I try to find a job, start saving up some money and then find a place of my own. That would take some time, so I can't just get rid of him right away even if I do find out without a doubt that he's cheating.

I'm trapped here, and I need to regain my sense of independence either way.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> My husband works for a company that contracts with local hospitals to fix equipment. He is a biomedical electronics engineer...meaning he fixes things like IV pumps, autoclavs, and tube systems as well as a long list of other medical equipment.
> 
> Lately, he works for the hospital around 4 or 5 hours, and then has to head back to the company he actually works for for the rest of the day. The clothes he actually took with him were BETTER than his normal clothes rather than the work clothes that he supposedly had tucked under his arm. He was trying to say he was taking jeans and a t-shirt, when that wasn't under his arm. No, he wouldn't have to have a change of clothes to have sex...but he certainly wouldn't change into better clothes to do drywall work either.
> 
> ...


I have sent Weightlifter a PM so he will post the VAR advice soon.

I can't understand that clothes bit at all - if he stopped to change, surely that would show up on the app too? It doesn't make sense so please don't lose hope withouth something more definitive.

I used the "find my iphone" app just yesterday and it was 4 miles out! It also had me standing somewhere for a while when I was nowhere near. It really is tremendously unreliable.

Have you looked at a keylogger for his PC/laptop? You can also get apps for the iphone that activate the microphone etc.

You asked about iphone backups and it is possible to recover all texts from a backup - even if they have been deleted. There are threads about it on here and a Google search will give you a couple of programmes that will recover the information for you (with free demos). (_Edit: my net access sucks here, so I will post links later if no one has beaten me to it)_

I know it's painful in your situation - most of us have been there in one way or another.

Keep posting. It helps.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Invert the sexes. I mostly deal with betrayed husbands. Sorry.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! ***NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR.*** You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

For the ICDPX312 Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: http://www.walmart.com/ip/Velcro-Heavy-Duty-Hook-and-Loop-Fastener/25553585
also
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Velcro-In...-Hook-and-Loop-Fasteners-2-x-15-Roll/14927578
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list http://www.complex.com/tech/2013/02/25-apps-to-help-you-cheat-on-your-girlfriend/

Neat trick from the evidence thread. You can make another Apple device like an Ipad share your husbands number. YOU MUST HAVE HIS EMAIL ALSO TO INTERCEPT AND DELETE THE NOTIFICATION EMAIL that the device was added to his number.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Chris989, thank you. I'll be looking for the post from Weighlifter.

Actually, my husband DID stop but it was at a gas station in our town, so I had just assumed he was getting gas...even though it did show him that locale longer than I would have expected. I blew it off as maybe he was inside buying lottery tickets or coffee.

Thinking that the app might be off is the main reason I've been able to keep my cool. That is why I want to have more proof. Maybe I'm just being paranoid because of the past. I don't want to be blindsided like that ever again. DDay...I felt as though I couldn't breathe when I found those emails to his old flame last year. It didn't help that up until that point she had been flirting with him pretty heavy as well. But when it came down to really having an affair with him, she backed off.

I don't have a keylogger for his laptop. I suspect he's using his work laptop for a lot of his communications, too, because he recently got pretty upset because his boss made him leave his laptop at work so the IT guy could remotely install some software. He said that his computer was open and with his LastPass signed in, anyone can get into all of his email. His boss STILL has his laptop, too, and my husband seems overly upset about this. Frankly, I would keep personal stuff off of a work laptop, but evidently he's not been that smart. At any rate, I don't have access to that computer...no password, etc. I'd love to get into it if I get a chance, though, because if he's gone underground with email addresses I don't know about, that's where I'll find them.

If I put an app on his iphone to activate a microphone, won't he be able to see the app on his phone?

So, even though we are still using prepaid phone service, I can still gain access to his deleted texts/phone calls? I do know that he has iTunes, but I don't know if he's done any backups. Hell, I don't even know how to do that with my own phone yet.

Monday was the day I first followed him with the phone app...I ended up so freaked out that my heart actually raced hard enough for me to feel light-headed. A couple of times, it felt as though my heart was pounding out of my chest. I went to my PCP yesterday morning to get it checked out. She did 3 EKG tests on me to be sure, but they all kept showing the same thing. I was having some abnormal heart rhythm...something to do with my ventricle not firing as it should. I was able to tell my PCP the whole story about my husband and the stress it caused me. She agreed that this whole heart thing was most likely induced by the stress this put on me emotionally. But now I have to go see a cardiologist just to be certain. My husband has no idea about what my PCP and I think about the cause of my heart acting up. He thinks the "stress" we're dealing with is my recent diagnosis with diabetes. I'm so grateful for having a PCP who listens, too. She stayed with me for an hour yesterday and even found me a professional counselor to help me deal with this heartache on a daily basis. 

I am amazed as I have been reading so many threads here for the past few days. So many going through the same pain, and the difficulty so many of us have in dealing the ups and downs infidelity creates. While I hate that so many are in the same boat, it helps to know that I'm not alone.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Weightlifter,

Thank you so much. I'll make a trip to Walmart today. I'll be able to install the VAR in the car when he has to leave it for me for a doctor's appointment next week. 

Hmmm. Just thought of something else, too. Since I had knee surgery, I've had trouble driving our standard transmission pickup. When I'd need to go to the doctor, my husband would let me use the car instead, and he'd take the truck. For about a month and a half to two months now, he's suddenly been a pain in the neck about letting me have the car. Yesterday, I didn't give him a choice. I also noticed that with his driving the truck yesterday, the Find My iPhone app showed him at the hospital the way it should have on Monday and today. If he DOES have a gf, maybe he doesn't want her to see the crappy truck that isn't as nice as our car.

I doubt I'd be able to hear anything if I put a VAR in the truck as well because it's so noisy. 

I don't know where else I might be able to put a VAR because when he gets cell phone calls, he goes outside, mostly on our carport, because of poor cell phone reception, he says. I agreed about that with our old phones, but I've not noticed that problem since we got the new phones. I can't think of a good place outside where I could conceal a VAR either.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

As far as the heart racing and stress; I remember as clear as if it were an hour ago the feeling when my then wife started to admit the physical affair. I honestly thought my heart would burst. It was beating so hard it was painful; within about 20 minutes I was shaking uncontrollably and felt enormously tired - which I presume was the adrenalin wearing out. Then it would start again. By a long, long, way the worst physical pain I have ever experienced. 

16 months after that day I'm having what feels like genuine problems with my heart; no doubt caused by the sustained high stress over that time. Waiting for tests etc. but, even though I'm quite fit, I'm having to sit down when anything stressful happens.

I'm going on a bit, but the point being that what you're feeling is, I am afraid, all too normal


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Weightlifter,
> 
> Thank you so much. I'll make a trip to Walmart today. I'll be able to install the VAR in the car when he has to leave it for me for a doctor's appointment next week.
> 
> ...


If you can get physical access to his iPhone, the surveillance apps are hidden from view, so he wouldnt' be able to see it. Sounds like you need to get a hold of his phone and a PC so you can install it. It might be you have to wait for him to fall asleep and make up a darn good cover story if he awakes whilst you are installing it all.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Chris989, 

I have always been a strong, independent woman. This is the first time I've been in such a vulnerable situation. I hate the idea of being "weak," so it's been difficult in thinking I was just a hysterical female having a panic attack over something that might not even be what I'm afraid it is. 

So, thanks for letting me know that it's not just me and that it's a somewhat normal reaction. 

Did your whole body feel as though it was buzzing/numb at any point after Dday? Last year, when I discovered all the EA email exchanges, I couldn't breath...and I couldn't feel my body. My hands and feet were tingling, and for a second I swear I felt as though I wasn't even in my body. I sat like that in a chair for half and hour before I could even move.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Since you know where he is going, I suggest you use that valuable info and do some research,

1. Who lives there? Try places like spokeo.com

2. Can you have someone you trust help you by watching the place in the morning on a day he will go there and get photos from down the street? They should stay to see who else comes out. The photos also will show how he is dressed going in and coming out.

Do you are access to his credit cards and banking online? Look for money being spent or taken out to pay for his dates.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

I can get access to his iPhone, so that's good news. I can easily install on our home laptop, but getting access to that work laptop is going to be a challenge. He keeps pretty close tabs on it when it's here.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Shaggy, we're new here, so I really don't know anyone who can do the surveillance for me at this point. I do have access to most of the banking stuff now, however, I still believe he's got a secret bank account because I know he buys things on eBay that never seem to come out of our joint bank accounts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then you might have to be the one to take the photos. Can you have someone watch your child in the morning?
You want info, but do not confront too soon because you want the full truth and you don't want to blow your source.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

TooBroken said:


> Chris989,
> 
> I have always been a strong, independent woman. This is the first time I've been in such a vulnerable situation. I hate the idea of being "weak," so it's been difficult in thinking I was just a hysterical female having a panic attack over something that might not even be what I'm afraid it is.
> 
> ...


I think our bodies react in different ways from trauma. The first night after DDay, I barely slept because I was shaking so much and my stomach was seriously cramping. What you're describing sounds a little like shock, though I'm certainly no expert. 

Sorry you're here too.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Chris989,
> 
> I have always been a strong, independent woman. This is the first time I've been in such a vulnerable situation. I hate the idea of being "weak," so it's been difficult in thinking I was just a hysterical female having a panic attack over something that might not even be what I'm afraid it is.
> 
> ...


I just remember lying in bed unable to do anything for maybe a few hours. What you're going through isn't "weak". The fact you have the presence of mind shows precisely the opposite!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. IF you wish.

I have done clean up/transcripts on recordings for 4 men here using Audacity. Ive pulled a whisper at 40' doing this. Ive cleaned up engine noise etc.

Its an offer not a demand.

Once you get to 30 posts go to private forum and see post one RDMUs second thread of my reliability and confidentiality. For MONTHS I was helping him behind the scenes and never let on I knew more, even when I was seeing wildly inaccurate speculation on his first thread and knew otherwise.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Weightlifter, 

Thank you! I'll get back to you as soon as I have something to work with. I really appreciate this.

Even if it turns out there's nothing, I'll feel better just knowing. This limbo of not knowing and the roller coaster emotions that accompany not knowing just kills me.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Chris989,

Thanks for telling me that I'm not weak. Sometimes I'm so confused that I often feel that way. It helps to have some validation.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Now_awake, you might be right about my being in shock. It did kinda remind me of my mental condition after a car wreck I was in 20 years ago.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I wish I had found this site before I contorted my wife on her A. I still need help to get through the day sometimes. 

The best thing you can do is get your facts and take care of yourself. Start your plans for the future without him. I am not saying that he is having an A or that if he is you will not be able to R. I just want you to look out for your self.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say you are a strong woman & I believe that, so you have to keep remembering it as you move forward to gather evidence. It certainly sounds like an A. Keep telling yourself that he has no right to decide your life for you. The secrecy and lies all in service to keeping you in the dark about important things about your own life? Always remember that he has no right to do this. Let it be your strength that you are determined to be in control of your life.

And if/when you have your proof, you will want to implode. I urge you to find your strength at that point and ask yourself, 'How dare he?' Do your best to keep the blame squarely where it belongs. Stay as self-confident and in control as you can. Strong - that's who you are. Always remember.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Chris989,
> 
> Thanks for telling me that I'm not weak. Sometimes I'm so confused that I often feel that way. It helps to have some validation.


There is no class on how to handle this. Its not part of the pre wedding class that pastors/priests give. It should be.


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## Hartbrok (Jul 16, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> There is no class on how to handle this. Its not part of the pre wedding class that pastors/priests give. It should be.


That's for sure Brother...


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## Hartbrok (Jul 16, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> Hi,
> 
> As far as the heart racing and stress; I remember as clear as if it were an hour ago the feeling when my then wife started to admit the physical affair. I honestly thought my heart would burst. It was beating so hard it was painful; within about 20 minutes I was shaking uncontrollably and felt enormously tired - which I presume was the adrenalin wearing out. Then it would start again. By a long, long, way the worst physical pain I have ever experienced.
> 
> ...


Perfect description.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Have you ever turned on the lights and found a roach in the middle of the floor? You pause and plan your attack, but the sudden brightening of the room has alerted the roach as well. Since he’s accustomed to running around in the dark, dragging his belly through the filth and decay, he knows the environment much better than you and has a myriad of escapes already planned out. As he scurries across the floor at a speed that is startling, you’re amazed at the miniscule cracks he can squeeze into and find yourself quite disgusted at the garbage and excrement he’s willing to use to escape your attention.

The trick is to learn to think like a roach. It’s not hard, just shed a few tens-of-millions of years of your evolutionary layers and tap your inner insect.

In the daylight -- _your domain _-- stoop down and look at the world from the roach’s level. Find every crack, crevice, and pocket of putrescence he’s using to defile your home and clean it, seal it, or block it off.

When you’ve readied the battlefield, switch on the light and use your knowledge and preparation to trap the roach. He’ll dart for one of his havens, but find it sealed and unusable. He’ll pause in his tracks as his tiny roach mind struggles to come up with a new escape, but you’ve now got the advantage and the momentum. He’ll try to run, but find himself trapped in the light.

You can then stomp the sh!t out of him at your leisure.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If you have the address, google it or check it on Google maps. You can even drive by the place once the kid is out of the house


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Since you have already caught him in an EA with old ex, he gets NO benefit of the doubt anymore, like you would give a person otherwise.

Is there any way you could get someone to tend to your daughter just once if your app shows his car at that house again, so you could drive over there in person and see exactly what is up ?

Honestly, if it had been me, I would have loaded the kid in her car seat, and drove right over there. Missing one day of school, or going in late once, isn't going to matter. No different than if she was ill and had to miss a day of school.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

JustGrinding,

While none of this is funny, I found myself laughing and nodding as I read how to deal with a roach. I can use this visualization well and found this extremely helpful, in practical advise and in helping me laugh at something that's not been funny at all. I'm ready to stomp the **** out of that roach...on MY terms. Thanks!


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Warlock, 

While using the phone app to locate him initially, I DID go on Google Earth and found the exact driveway where he would have had to have been parked. While I know the phone app might not be reliable, the fact that he's now gone to the same exact location at least twice makes me think that perhaps it was spot on this time.

Just watching his phone move on map, it looked like he was circling and circling, but kept slowing down at the same point every time. The third time at his slow down spot, he made a turn up a short street with a cul de sac. I would bet that he was having to wait till the OW's husband was gone to work. Just a guess at this point of course.

I've been making plans for going on a day when my daughter has spent the night somewhere before I follow him. You have no idea how badly I wanted to go that first time and park the ****ty truck I'm having to drive around the block, and walk up to the OW's house while he's "busy." Then, I'd quietly drive away in the car. Can you just imagine his face when he came out to find no car? 

But then he'd know that I know, and I'd lose my advantage. Nope, better do this another way.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Barbados, 

I actually thought about loading up my car with the kid, but my daughter is not a normal kid. She suffers from several disorders, and had a surgery 2 weeks ago from which she's still recovering. Plus, she would have inadvertently busted me out to my husband without knowing it's not something she should do. Honesty is the core of my kid, and she wouldn't be able to comprehend not being able to talk about it.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Oh, and Warlock, when I get on Google Earth to find something, I do a virtual drive-through so when I drive the actual route, it's like I've already been there before. Should be a piece of cake to find the house when I do drive down there.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Read some of the longer threads in CWI and you will get plenty of good info posted by long time members.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Hello, I would like to give you a little insight on the app your using before you jump to conclusion solely off it. Its my understanding that the tracking system on the iPhone uses a mapping service much like Google maps....well this is how bad Google maps is i found this the hard way with a business deal a few months back. 

https://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF...76&ei=XIBEUsqmMInT2QWMi4DoDQ&ved=0CMABEPwSMAs Copy and paste that link to view where googles maps says that sammy's bait and tackle is....now follow the map back to the intersection of old faceville hwy and faceville hwy....Sammy's is on that intersection nearly 4 miles difference from what Google maps has him listed as...

The point is don't trust the app, go find out for yourself before you bring it up otherwise you could start a firestorm for nothing, trust me ive been in your shoes, the worst thing you can do when someone has had a EA they broke off is to hound them about every action they do ive done that and it will only push him to the next EA if your wrong.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Oh and another good example of how bad these apps can be...if you search my job site on any GPS it will send you 10 miles out the way into a residential neighborhood where many truck drives receive a warning /ticket for entering a residential neighborhood in a 18 wheeler....

when people call and ask me for directions i just give them the address to the best western right up the road from work and tell them to go straight from there lol


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Some info on apps for the iPhone:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47994-iphone-4s-spy.html

This seems to get good comments: iKeyMonitor - Keylogger for iPhone and Keylogger for iPad that logs Keystrokes, Websites and Screenshots.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Actually the Find My iPhone app is quite accurate with the right conditions and depending on the networks available to it. It triangulates on the cell tower locations nearby (the more towers close by, the better) and it also uses the built in GPS and wifi connection points as well to narrow the actual location down. In good signal areas with lots of nearby cell towers, a good lock on the GPS , and network points available, it can pinpoint down to about 10 feet. That is pretty accurate. Now remove any one of those connections and the accuracy gets less, remove two and it can really suffer.

I would think that it was pretty accurate if it showed him there twice. Generally when the accuracy is off, the device jumps from one location to another somewhere off in the distance and doesn't follow an actual patch that he would take (and definitely not circling).

Although everything sounds pretty damning and convincing to be an A, is it possible that he is picking someone up and giving them a ride to work??

I will also bet that you will not be able to Jailbreak and apply any of these apps to your phones. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but if you just got them they probably have the latest version of IOS on them (either 6.1.3/6.1.4 or 7.0 depending on how new and the versions you purchased) of which neither can be untethered jailbroken at this time. Without a jailbroken device you can't install these apps.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In some ways I wish I would have had your informaiton before I went through my hel*. If your husband is fooling around you basically have most of the information to put all the dots together.

1. If you know the exact house you can simply go online and see who owns the property. If you don't know the exact house you can get that information on every house in the cul de sac. You will have names and addressess. 

2. Once you figure out what house it will be a short time before you have an exact name.

3. Once you have a name of the woman if she is married you will have the name of the husband.

4. Typically finding out emails, phone numbers etc. of these folks is realtively cheap. It cost me .95 cents to get the phone number and address of the XOM.

5. Getting a video of him going in and out of the house is relatively cheap. The problem will be getting someone to do it since you don't know anyone. If you are near or in my city I would do it in a heart beat. I would dust off my jogging clothes and voila, small video camera in my back pack, time to do stretch and film. Putting together a one man or one woman video filmer would be so easy. Now, all you would get is, he went in, he came out, but would you need more?

6. A private investigator may be the way to go. You may get all you need in one shot, one morning of work and you are done. I figure that would set you back a few hundred. 



If this was me and I knew for a fact that he was doing the happy dance in that house, there would be a party for him when he came out, to include four flat tires, TP on the lawn, a film crew, etc. IT would take too much time to have it done so soon, but having him served at that moment would also be sweet.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

One of the main reasons I've not jumped the gun and gotten a divorce lawyer has been the fact that I'm not trusting 100% in the phone app. At least 3 times this week, though, the app has shown him at two places where he should not be during work hours. I actually suspect that if he is meeting someone, it's probably a woman he met at work. The two residential homes aren't that far from the hospital, but they seem far enough out for it not to be a glitch that repeats almost daily. 

I am getting my ducks in a row as I have begun separating things I want to take with me when I leave. I could probably fight for at least half of the house, but I am not currently working and wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage. 

I've separated some funds from the banking accounts without his knowledge. I'm not worried that he'll find out because I believe he is doing all his messing around using the bank account he keeps for his eBay account. I take care of the banking for the bills, etc. 

I've made an appointment with a counselor to help me deal with my feelings right now and to have someone outside the situation help me figure out what to do next. 

Right now, my biggest struggle is the fluctuations I feel emotionally. One minute, I am enraged and think it would be dangerous for him to say the wrong thing to me at that moment because I've wished he would die. I rationalize with myself about the stupidity of those thoughts and then I become cold as ice. In THOSE moments, I find I don't care at all if he has this affair or if he leaves me. I detach and feel nothing. I'm really not sure which of those scares me the most, especially since I'm not the type to close off my emotions at all. I'm the type who laughs easily and a lot, but I also cry easily...I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry, too. But I laugh more than I ever cry. To feel such fury and then to feel nothing...well, it's like I've stepped outside my body and I'm watching someone else use it for a while.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Thorburn,

Thank you. I'm going to follow some of your suggestions, if not all. Might be too expensive to hire the film crew.

Funny thing I'm realizing this evening...I don't think I even care who he's doing his happy dance with. I need to expose him, I'm sure...but I think what these feelings really mean is that deep down, I don't think I want any sort of reconciliation. 

Of course, he's not come begging me to forgive him with tears in his eyes yet, too. I'm an emotional sap most of the time, so I'm not sure how strong I'd be if faced with any sort of remorse on his part.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The map should give you the address. Or you can get the long/lat and plug it into google maps. 


Then look up the address online. 

Then google the person's name. 

Another way to find who owns the property would be to look at the public real estate records for the county. 

You have a lot to go on even without following him. 

Have a look around his car, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Also keep in mind, that even though you can get the real estate records, that only tells whom "legally" owns the house and not necessarily whom lives there. The house could be being rented out, or owned by a relative and being lived in by someone totally different than the owner. Just food for thought.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Thorburn,
> 
> Thank you. I'm going to follow some of your suggestions, if not all. Might be too expensive to hire the film crew.
> 
> ...


I know it looks bad, but please, don't give up hope.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Holding steady here for the moment. Three times, the phone app has shown my husband in the same residential area for at least an hour each time. He's not there today. 

He is in the middle of trying to change jobs, so that will limit him after the job change. 

I'm just sitting back and waiting. Inevitably, he gives himself away to me, and I figure out the truth. 

In the meantime, I'm doing as my doctor's office has suggested and started preparing emotionally and financially to make the break when the time comes. As awful as it sounds, the only thing keeping me here right now is a lack of money. I have to get my health back up to par and get a job ASAP. 

Just taking things moment by moment for now and not rushing to make any decisions.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

> I've separated some funds from the banking accounts without his knowledge. I'm not worried that he'll find out because I believe he is doing all his messing around using the bank account he keeps for his eBay account. I take care of the banking for the bills, etc.


Be careful with this type of action. In a 50/50 state, you will need to repay this. He will need to repay any money spent on the OW. 

In the end though, this type of behavior makes a person seem duplicitous and that will work against you in court,


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

All I took out were funds that I had put in from my own earnings. I figured I was safe in doing that much.


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

Ugh... it amazes me how scummy some folks can be. Good luck nailing this guy to the wall.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Holding steady here for the moment. Three times, the phone app has shown my husband in the same residential area for at least an hour each time. He's not there today.
> 
> He is in the middle of trying to change jobs, so that will limit him after the job change.
> 
> ...


Hi,

Thanks for the update.

Did you manage to gather any further evidence?


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

Chris989,

No more evidence yet. I've not been able to get to his phone yet, and every time I've gone out to the car, he has followed me out to talk about this and that. He's not been bringing his work laptop home lately, but he is still leaving for work over two hours early. 

In tracking him using the phone app, he's been to the same residential area three more times. Today, he went straight to the hospital where he works. 

I'm keeping journal entries of the times he goes to the residential area and how long he stays there. I don't really need proof as far as divorcing him, but until I can have a chance to drive down there and catch him where the app is showing him to be, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. After that, I'll just be pulling my finances together and developing a plan for me and my daughter. I've got to get my health issues taken care of, too, so I'm sticking around for his insurance to take care of that as well. 

In the meantime, it is getting easier each day to harden my heart against him. I'm finding that I'm not biting my tongue as much as I used to lately.

Last night, he got pissed off at me because he didn't apply for a job before the deadline...and somehow it was my fault. Why? Because when he mentioned the job, I didn't act excited about it or tell him to "Go for it!" He hates traveling on a job, and he said the job included a lot of travel. So, I admit that I didn't encourage him to apply. But neither did I discourage him. It was his choice. 

Yet I'm to blame for his not applying for a job that might have doubled his pay. Yeah, right. I normally would have just shut up and left the room to fume about it, but last night I let him have it. I told him that I am not responsible for any of the choices he makes in his life, and I'm not going to accept the blame for this any more than any of the other things he's chosen or not chosen to do.

Sex has been almost nonexistent for us ever since I confronted him about his EA last year. He blames it on low testosterone, but he had that when we got married and we bumped like bunnies back then. I also know that he used to use Cialis when he was having some problems, but now he won't even try to use it. 

I let him know that I was in the mood yesterday when we were texting...no response whatsoever. Nada. Totally ignored it. I called him out on that and texted back to him, "REALLY? You're just going to ignore that?" After another minute, he texted back that one of his co-workers had interrupted him with a work question and said he'd take care of my needs when he got home, calling me "Hot Stuff" and saying, "Hubba, hubba." Yeah, well, all he did was turn his back on me and go to sleep when we went to bed. He's gotten to the point where he never kisses me good-night unless I say something or if I instigate the kiss myself.

We've had sex 3 times in the past year, and I've instigated it two of those three times. Now, I really don't think I want to have sex with him at all. I would feel too vulnerable. I am so tired of rejection. Hell, even when I had my hysterectomy, I still took care of HIS needs even though I couldn't have sex for weeks. Unless he wants sex, he doesn't give a damn about my needs...whether those needs are emotional or physical.

While no papers have been drawn up for a divorce, and we haven't even really discussed divorce, deep down I know my marriage is over. It I don't shut down emotionally, then I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or worse. Suddenly, I've begun having heart problems induced by all this stress, according to my PCP. I'm seeing a cardiologist today to find out exactly what is going on with my heart.

Honestly, I think it's just a physical symptom of a broken heart.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Chris989,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



A lot of men who have sexual difficulties blame the wife. It seems to be rampant these days. 

They often can perform during an affair in the beginning of it because of all the extreme excitement of sex with someone novel. It wears off. 

Your husband, though, sounds like the type of guy who blames others for all his problems. 

Yes, I think your heart issue is very possibly caused by stress.


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

I forgot to mention this yesterday, as all my focus was in seeing the cardiologist...I began IC yesterday. My WH promised to get into IC and MC with me when I caught him in the EA last year, but clearly that never happened. But I've got to get a handle on all of this before it literally kills me. Doc gave me something for anxiety, but I don't want to be popping a pill to help me cope. 

Today, I am going in for an echocardiogram, to see if there's anything physical causing my abnormal EKGs. Then, on Monday, they're going to do a stress test that is supposed to last around 4 hours. A Lexiscan, I think they called it. From what I understand, they will use a medication to induce stress the way running would because I've got one leg in an unloader brace and can't run at the moment.

I'm trying to stay focused on all this heart stuff, but it's difficult when I know he went to the same residential area for over an hour again this morning. I want to just show up there and drive away in the car so badly...You know...hide the POS truck I usually end up having to drive, then slip away in the car. He'd freak out, thinking the car has been stolen. Of course, I'd probably get pulled over by the cops soon after he discovered the car missing. lol. It's not stealing if you're name is on the title, too, though. 

Of course, then my ability to plan my escape without his being aware of it would be completely blown.

Am I the only person who has ever wished something bad would happen to the WS because grieving his death would be easier than the pain of his infidelity? 

Then, my Christian upbringing kicks in, and I mentally slap myself for even thinking such a thing. 

I've had to wait for pay day, but I'm getting one of the VARs Weightlifter recommended. Just wish I could have a listening device small enough to hide ON him because I doubt I'll hear much when he is in the car. He HATES talking on the phone while in the car. Always has.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

TooBroken said:


> Am I the only person who has ever wished something bad would happen to the WS because grieving his death would be easier than the pain of his infidelity?


No.

Death would be far easier to deal with on a number of levels and it is, in effect, a blameless event too.

As for the other stuff; I don't think you are going to turn anything further up without either confronting now, or physically following him.

This clearly isn't doing you any good and needs a resolution sooner rather than later.


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