# How do you stop loving someone ?



## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

i named it that not because i dont know that it takes time... its just.... If any of you have read my previous threads... Obviously, i was and still am SO IN LOVE with my ( now x) yeah i finally left him about 6 months ago. after 5 years, leaving and going back once, after he cheated... he cheated again. so that was that.. i left.. moved out and bought a house. I wanted him for forever. I felt he made his decision when he cheated on me again. I even disconnected his phone and told him i didnt want his new number, that i was letting this go. about 3 weeks into our brake up he sends me a text saying " i still love you....jus sayin" and we have pretty much talked every day since.. now i am seeing him again, once a week or so. He tells me that he wants us back, I MUST BE STUPID. I seriously feel like im an idiot. becuase i Can not tell him NO. I want so badly for him to be telling me the truth. I know, i sound desperate... im really not. i have meet some REALLY GOOD guys in the last 6 months, One of which i really like. but cant seem to fall in love and i know it takes time, and i know that i would have to let go of my x in order to do that. i have all the answers, i know what my problem is, I JUST DONT WANNA let him go. i cant picture my life with out him in it! he tells me the same. If i go back, ill be cheated on again. UGH. im prepared for yall to tell me im stupid. i tell my self that everyday. but when he is laying in my bed i sleep like a baby. when he calls me im happy, im happy doing nothing with him. i dont exactly know what im looking for here.. just wanted to see it "written down" i guess!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In order for you to break the 'in love' feelings you have for him, you need to have no contact with him at all for about 1 year. That's what it takes for the brain chemistry to switch off your connection to him.

If you are hell bent on getting back with him then I suggest that you and he read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Then read and work through the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The goal is to rebuild your relationship, maintain passion and affair proof the relationship. The two of you need to learn how to have a healthy relationship.

If he does all of that work with you and still cheats, dump him and get away as fast as you can.


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## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

Thank you Elegirl.. i am going to get that book asap. and ill be looking at the links and i hope he will put forth the effort !


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anything can be fixed in a relationship if both people are willing to work on it and treat each other with respect and love. Respect is the single most important component. Only after that does love matter. We see the results here of marriage after marriage in which a person loves their spouse but does not respect the... that's where the cheating comes in.

If you go for trying to reconcile, be sure to let him know that this is the only chance he has. This one chance. If he cheats again, disrespects you and/or mistreats you that's the end of the line. You will be putting your neck out on this so make sure that you do not give him endless chances. Just this one.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

no contact policy and systematic desensitizing method. both work wonders.BTDT 

after a week or so with no contact policy & 180, try to desensitize yourself.
listen to the songs that bring up memories about you & your partner.watch the movies remind you abot your partner. look at the pictures/gifts/whatever things that make you remember your partner.do all that. remember everything. the good and the bad. 
cry as much, as loud as you can. 
if you couldn't do it in a day, do it gradually. up the dose each and every day.
finally you stop to feel anything toward your soon to be ex.you'll become numb.and that's just...heaven.

humans are creatures of habit. heartbreak messes up our brain, and in order to stop it, you have to expose your brain with the certain impulse that cause all the pain/fear/negative emotion.same thing with porn/violence addiction. the more you expose your brain to the same impulse, this will change the threshold. you'll become number.apply it the right way, this is so helpful to cope with breakup  

ive done it, and it's such a relief  wish you the best of luck


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You are right. If you go back, he WILL cheat again. Once is pretty much unforgivable but you found it in you to forgive him and he rewarded you by doing what..

The only advice I could give other than time.. To stop loving him, you need to start loving yourself. Regardless of any issues you have (and we all have em), you are worth more than a serial cheat.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

My husband cheated on me multiple times. It took me two years of hell to finallly leave. The problem was that I still loved (love) him. I missed him. I wanted to much to believe what he was telling me. We have been separated for 2 months and I have "let him back in" twice. The problem is...I've head it all before. He told me before that h wouldn't hurt me again. He told me before he wouldn't lie again. He called one of the women in front of me and ended it (but they didn't end it). 

I am all for trying to repair a marriage if you can. Some can, some can't. To fix it though, you have to stay away until he gets help. He has to look at how he could cause this kind of damage to you. Also, you are going to have to get help to figure out why you think so little of yourself that you would allow it. When you are together, things in your mind get cloudy. right? You are not even sure at times what the truth is. I know this because this is how it is for me.

Be careful. Do what you think is best, but be careful. Make sure you get help and he gets help too.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

K.C. said:


> You are right. If you go back, he WILL cheat again. Once is pretty much unforgivable but you found it in you to forgive him and he rewarded you by doing what..


They cheat because they really don't give a sh$t in the first place. They dont undrstand how this harms a person, nor do they really care. There is some flaw there. And yes, unless there are some real consequences, they WILL do it again.:iagree:


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I don't agree.. they cheat because their is something missing.

When my wife had an affair in the first year of our marriage it was because I was on my computer all the time, not very attentive, had a temper, worked too much. She was at a point in her life that she needed the extra attention from me and I didn't give it to her.

IWAS THE REASON FOR HER AFFAIR. She did care but found someone that was giving her the things i wasn't.

We working it out and 14 years later dealing with a separation because I did much of the same thing again. This time she didn't cheat... just left.

Look in yourself and see if you can find what might have caused his behavior.

Granted some men are truly a douche and don't give a $hit.. but other do even though they cheat.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I understand the point you are trying to make. There is always a reason someone looks elsewhere for love, but I have to say no matter what someone else does or whether they feel neglected or what there is never a excuse to cheat on someone. The very act IMO tells you that person wasn't worth it to begin with. It boils down to character.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> I don't agree.. they cheat because their is something missing.
> 
> When my wife had an affair in the first year of our marriage it was because I was on my computer all the time, not very attentive, had a temper, worked too much. She was at a point in her life that she needed the extra attention from me and I didn't give it to her.
> 
> ...


I don't agree with this at all, you are justifying cheating based on the behavior of the faithful spouse, and you can not do that.

Within the circle of a marriage, when problems occur, the husband and wife can work out their differences between one another, it requires communication, trust, and many times marriage counseling.

BUT, when one spouse goes outside of that circle and involves themselves with another person, be it physical or emotional, that spouse has created a huge problem that they are SOLELY responsible for, and it is their responsibility to fix that problem, and all other problems within the marriage will be completely unrepairable until that situation is resolved. 

And, if the faithful spouse starts to make changes and tries to fix the other problems before the cheating situation is taken care of, that spouse has a very good chance of spiraling out of control into a deep depression, as they work hard to try and fix problems to draw the cheating spouse back in, all while the cheating spouse continues to destroy the relationship from outside of the circle of marriage. The faithful spouse in turn loses him/herself in the long run, becoming so engrossed in saving the marriage that they lose track of any of their own goals or individuality. 

I can agree that problems within any marriage can generally be divided up in some way between both spouses but not when it comes to cheating.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Learn to love living without him. Love relationships with men who don't excite you with their instant chemestry, and them putting you on a pedestal with constant flattery one week and devaluation the next. Learn to love being uncomfortable and yet comfortable with a man who feels safe and friendly, but not so familiar that he reminds you of unresolved issues with your past relationships.


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## nmc (Nov 9, 2011)

just a little update.... over the past week.. something amazing happened... I got over this and him. God has answered my prayers and im so happy. thank you all for your wonderful advice. who knew strangers could be SOOOO helpful!!!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

That seems kinda sudden for it to from 2weeks ago to being all rosy.. I don't want to put a downer on things and I hope you are right and have found your way to a happier place. I really do. But;

Be wary of sudden mood changes as they can change well err, suddenly. Also be wary of an external influence making you happy. You still need to be happy internally too.

Hope you really have made it through though, that would be great.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Many here will disagree but I believe that if you have love to give, give it to someone that wants it and gives it back.

Go find that person. Optimistically, I believe they are already looking for you!


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