# I'm jealous of my husband's past life



## Freya Attayanara (May 11, 2012)

Hi,I'm married with 3 times divorce husband for 1,5 years.
My husband treats me nicely overall, he's a loving and responsible husband. he got 2 daughters from his 1st marriage, 1 son from the 2nd and another son from his 3rd. and I have one son from my past relationship. this is my 1st marriage.

The problem starts with my jealousy over his exes and their children. the children live with each of their moms and they live far away. before marriage I told him that there's no way I would accept all his children, they're absolutely not my business. and he agreed.

I don't want to see all their names on his phone book list, I don't want to see or hear my husband talking to them on the phone with his children or his ex, No pictures of his children allowed in the house or even in his computer, I even don't want him to go and visit his children, because it looks like a family reunion to me.

And so far, he understands and follow the "rules".
one of his ex from the 1st marriage that I can't stand. She keeps calling him, text him almost everyday. Asking some money, or tell him that their daughter is sick, or even ask him when is he going to open a bank account I don't even know about, because he never told me. And it goes on till now.

I start to think like living a marriage inside marriage. I'm not comfortable with this situation, I want a family of my own and I don't like to share my husband, with anyone.

But it looks like my husband doesnt want to cut off his relationship with his ex wives. He tried so hard too keep them, change their names so I won't recognize them in his phone book list. he also still trying to contact them behind my back. So, he lies all the time. it frustrates me.

I try to analize myself what cause this.
Maybe it's because my son doesn't have a father. he left since I was pregnant.My son never met,hear or see his father till now.
And ever since, I hate to see a happy family or father children relationship. It's so unfair. My son has to work hard to get my husband's attention, while his own children can get all the love effortlessly. It breaks my heart.

I know, I'm wicked. I'm such a mean person. everybody even my mom judge me that. I try so hard to ease it down, but the harder I try, the stronger I'm jealous.

What should I do?


----------



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

You can't make a "rule" cutting a person off from their children. That's just screwed up. No matter what happened with his ex-wives, the kids are still his kids and he's going to want to see them.

How is your husband's relationship with *your* child? Has he also demanded that you can't see your son?

Trying to keep your husband away from his kids is setting yourself up for failure.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Cutting a man off from his children is vile, and foolish, and if he agreed to it, then you deserve each other.


----------



## Freya Attayanara (May 11, 2012)

Yes i know that. How many times I ask my husband to end this marriage. I know this isnt gon work out for both of us. But he never let me go. 

And when people ask me, what if my husband ask me to cut off my relationship with my son? I would not marry him in the first place. 

I'm not that selfish. That's why I better leave instead of hurting many people including myself. The problem is, my husband does not want to end this.


----------



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Have you two been to counseling?


----------



## Freya Attayanara (May 11, 2012)

And one more thing, you are free to judge. But it would be wiser if you come up with a solution. thank you.


----------



## Freya Attayanara (May 11, 2012)

Not yet. Not because I don't want to, but I actually know what I'm going to hear. no difference with your comments. I'm also tortured with this condition. I don't want to have this nasty feelings. I fight it still now.


----------



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

No, a counselor will be able to help you deal with your feelings of jealousy and resentment. There are plenty of cognitive techniques that will help you change your feelings and beliefs if you are willing.


----------



## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

I feel like you are holding a resentment with your babies father. He wasn't there for his child, and you see your husband being a great dad with his biological children and wish that your child had that with their dad. What I can say is it isn't your husband's fault. He has children with other women and nothing can change that, and he does need to speak to those women from time to time to co-parent the child they had together. You say he's a great dad to them, but not so much your son. Have you told him you feel this way? Maybe he's cold to the idea because you have such ridiculous demands from him about children he seems to love dearly. It's okay to not care for the other mothers, be respectful and courteous to them, but don't take it out on the kids. By doing that your are forcing them to grow up without a father and it isn't fair to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Also I feel he may not have initially understood what he was agreeing to, not with the way it sounds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

This is absolutely crazy:

"The problem starts with my jealousy over his exes and their children. the children live with each of their moms and they live far away. before marriage I told him that there's no way I would accept all his children, they're absolutely not my business. and he agreed.

I don't want to see all their names on his phone book list, I don't want to see or hear my husband talking to them on the phone with his children or his ex,"

Having imposed this crazy rule, you are now surprised that he periodically speaks with his children and ex-wives. YOU CAUSED IT, YOU CREATED THE PROBLEM. YOU MADE SURE YOUR MARRIAGE COULD NOT SUCCESS AND THAT HE WOULD RESENT YOU. 

Imagine a husband who said, I explained to my wife that I would have multiple women coming over my house to sleep with me, and that it would be her responsibility to make them dinner. But now she doesn't always follow the rules or make the nice dinner me and my women expect. 

If you want the possibility of a normal marriage, you should acknowledge her right, indeed his duty, to communicate with his children, he will be happier, and once you realize he is happy, he will have less of a need to talk with his ex-lives, and that will reduce the problem.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Keeping your husband from his children is absolutely wrong. 

When I left my ex, his new gf was extremely jealous of me. I'm not exactly sure why that is. I remarried and have a wonderful husband. When I left, the only feelings I had toward him was hatred.

It's very important for your husband to be civil to their mothers for the children sake. Please, keep this in mind. Children are like sponges and soak everything in, including how we treat each other. They look up to both parents and you as a step parent. Your husband married you, this means he no longer has feelings for these other women. He has feelings for you. Don't ruin this marriage over your jealousy. Get counseling if you need to. His children will always be in his life. 

There is nothing you could possibly do to stop contact. It's great to hear he's so civil for the children's sake. Hopefully this jealousy will fade quickly. I do think it's normal to have a little jealousy so new into a marriage. 

My husband was married before I and his ex w was beautiful on the outside, but nasty on the inside. I, too, was a little jealous due to not looking as nice as she. I quickly got over it and I've been married for 12 years. They did not have any children. My husband is in love with me and loves me the way I am. He is surly attracted to me and it shows.

Good luck.


----------



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I think you should get counseling for this and overcome it. You are not wicked, just insecure...it comes from something within, but it will eventually ruin your relationship. That, plus do you want your husband sneaking to keep contact with his children behind your back?

It's understandable that this is your 1st marriage and his 4rth, but you knew that going in to it.It sounds like you should have given this more thought before marrying him. But the bottom line is it's wrong to discourage him from talking to his children, and make those "rules"...it's just plain wrong. 

Find a good counselor and face the facts you need to to accept his children in his life, or you may be ex number 4....good luck!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Why would you do that? Instant separation between you and your husband. 

If you didn't like his FAMILY, then you shouldn't have married him.

His ex wives are FAMILY. They will be in his life for a long time. I don't know why you'd marry him, knowing he has 3 ex wives (1, that's a little much and 2, they don't just go away).

How sad for his kids. Wow.


----------



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

As I said I think you need help/counseling to overcome this. First you need to admit it's wrong, and then get help as to why. It took courage for you to share this, so that tells me you don't feel good about it and are reaching out.

We shouldn't be judgmental. I hope you find help for this.


----------



## manvsmonster (May 22, 2012)

Hi. I can understand that you have a jealousy problem. You probably feel that by his communicating with these exes and their kids that he isn't fully ready to let go of his past. I had this issue with my husband's ex girlfriend (from nearly 30 years ago...yes I know it's silly...) . But something I had to realize is that I am the one with him now. He chose ME not HER (THEM) to marry. Maybe he was married to them but obviously things did not work out, so try to remember that he is with YOU now. You do need to remember though that his children were a part of his life before you and it isn't fair to ask him to sever that relationship.....he may end up resenting you for it. I know it's hard but maybe some counseling for you both as a couple would be beneficial. Good luck to you. ♥


----------



## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

It was mentioned to go to councelling and you said you did not want to.You also mentioned he won't leave you.

What do you want to see happen? What would be your ideal fix for this situation.
~Do you want to be able to eventually accept the children and his past? 
~Do you want him to just let go of his children and focus only on you?
~Do you need help letting go of the Jealousy?

What is it you need help with?


----------



## mandyland (Oct 19, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Wow. Why would you do that? Instant separation between you and your husband.
> 
> If you didn't like his FAMILY, then you shouldn't have married him.
> 
> ...


Ex wives are not family.


----------



## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

mandyland said:


> Ex wives are not family.


Ex-family?


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh dear Freya,Freya, Freya.
I can see the point and I can just about understand you wanting your H for you and you only. Sadly you took on board the man AND the off-spring he produced. We dont know why he was divorced 3 times but I guess we'd all say that there has to have been issues in his encounters as well, unless of course he has the worst luck anyone on earth has ever had.
The children in his previous marridges didnt ask for the situation to happen that has happend. Put youself and more importanly YOUR CHILD. What if he refudes to allow you to have contact with your child - at all? I dont think youll do that. You have made your anxiety levels vulnerable by placing these rules in place which if you sit and think are going to be impossible for you H to follow and will make you paraniod to monitor. In fact you are indeed forcing your H to be underhanded. Not his fault here. So to correct this and it needs to be quick or you may be divorce number 4, you need to just talk to hoim about placing the children yours and his on the cell phone. let him talk to them openly and you then need to listen and try to accept them as people, as individulas thathave good and bad points. He may then come to you for advice in some of their issues that he has to deal and make it clear its ok for him to do this. If your worried about whats being siad being open and letting him talk in fornt of you will give you assurance - he may ask after their mother, it natural again let him do this and make it clear its ok to do so in contect of the mother child relationship after that you will be uncomfortable as it will make you feel that he is is gaining connect to the ex - being open about the triggers is hard, harder than many realise but you can develop with his help and support some drip fed connection rather tha full blown all party connection and he will hopefully see you develop and you should then be feeling more secure. This is the issue, security.


----------



## purple888 (Oct 29, 2012)

You knew that your husband had a past when you married him. Why would you expect him to cut off all ties with his kids? Just because your child father didnt care about you and your son doesn't mean your husband should not care about his kids. I think you need to go to counseling and accept the fact that your husband wants to be part of his kids life and you should not hold it against him. Your jealousy/insecurity will just doom your marriage. You both have to reach a compromise. He can contact his kids and have limited contact with ex wives if it is only related to the children. You have to learn to trust your husband as well.


----------



## OakAli13 (Oct 29, 2012)

I do understand your feelings about his children. You want himt o yourself. You feel threatened by his kids. I feel this way about my husbands son. But I could never ask him to not have anything to do with him. You need to leave him. It will not work. You need to find a man, without kids.


----------



## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Wow. Why would you do that? Instant separation between you and your husband.
> 
> If you didn't like his FAMILY, then you shouldn't have married him.
> 
> ...


To anyone who thinks ex-wives are family: they are absolutely NOT part of the ex's family in any way. They are the child's family and the child now has two families. They have no rights other than to share legal and physical custody of the unfortunate children who were brought into an unstable relationship. 

To the original poster: I know you are struggling and this can be fixed, but you need some counseling to fix it. It does need to be fixed because it is unacceptable to try to sever ties between a parent and his/her child unless the child's life is in danger. Don't fear counseling - it is understandable that your heart is broken because your child doesn't have a father. Please focus on that, as it is the real issue and the most important issue for you as a mother. It is something you and your husband need to discuss - you need to ask him to be more of a father to your child and you absolutely must let him be a father to his children. Trust me, he considers the ex-wives baggage, too, and deals with them only b/c he shares parenting responsibility - if there were no kids, those women would not be in the picture. Kind of a pathetic place for them to be, in my opinion. Let him have a relationship with his children while maintaining appropriate boundaries with the baggage that comes with them.


----------



## Zebra M-301 (Oct 25, 2012)

Freya Attayanara said:


> And one more thing, you are free to judge. But it would be wiser if you come up with a solution. thank you.


Here is my solution. You hold him to his promise of not seeing his children, no pictures, no phone calls, no contact at all....

Then send your own child to his Father's, no pictures, no phone calls, no contact at all....

OR

You can grow up and realize that he DOES have other children who need his attention and love and MONEY!!! You married him KNOWing that, you cant make him not see or talk to his children. Both of you grow up, He is going to talk with his kids and his ex-wives...if he is a good Dad, he will want to take care of his kids. That should be a good sign for you. 

You should never tell a man "I don't want you to ever see your kids, or talk to them, or meet them again...but you have to take care of mine."


----------



## Bella80 (Oct 28, 2012)

I don't judge you at all in this matter... I think this is your husbands fault! He is not a man.. for him to even marry you with a rule for him not to see or be there for his children is disgusting! He is a low life. what a loser!


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

.


----------



## aahnaagrwal (Dec 3, 2012)

My advise is in your case is that you have to forget all the past of your husband behind back. And take a new start of life. This will really help you to come out of these worries. And make your life again happy.



___________
astrologer


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Don't marry this man ever. End this relationship and find someone without children and someone who does not want children.

Your extremely selfish and controlling to expect a man to abandon their children. It will greatly damage the children emotionally for the rest if their lives if he follows through these horrific demands.

My ex h abandoned his daughter and now she's suicidal because of it and is in house treatment from that monster.

Unfrickenbelievable. BTW, he has other children besides mine.

You were a child once. How'd you like it if your parents hated you?

I know I posted previously, but my own child is so screwed up because of people like you. I'm having a hard time with her no matter how much love and compassion I show her.


----------

