# 3 Months Known & Still Not Good



## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

Hi,
I discovered my WW affairs 3 months ago. I am distressed that I am still in such a bad way. I can't focus on work, I work for myself so this could be a big problem), all I do is go to coffee shops and cruise sites like this obsessively. I hate it when my ww is happy. It's like I take it that she is being ****y and waving her attitude in my face. We are supposed to go on a vacation in 2 weeks and after I come back I am seriously going to think of a divorce. I have not yet because I was in such a bad way and am finally at a point where my skin is not crawling and I can at least sleep for 4 or 5 hours straight. Others have told me not to rush to a decision while I was hurting so much and wait, there was no rush. Good days are just bad with constant bad thoughts and movies and the bad days are when I break down. 
Even if I felt like a got a sufficient remorseful response I am not sure I would be able to deal with it.
Stats:
me 57
WW 52
Married & together 13 years
WW affairs that I know about in last year
2 I am sure about, 1 90% sure.
She confessed to the last one but lies to me about others
She is acting like a great wife at the moment


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Good days are ok bad days are a living hell, the first year is a reall bummer.

Sorry you are here, but welcome to our little world.

First off you should consider having a polygraph test done to ascertain the depths of her betrayal.

Without knowing the full truth you cannot begin to piece things back together.

Sleeping is the most important part of things for you, it gives the body rest and the mind time to stop trying to over think the daily and deal with all that is in there.

Work out if you can, it helps take the edge off the anger.

Focus on your work, it does two things, 1) brings in money, 2) keeps your mind occupied and stops the situation from spinning around in your head.

Eat healthy, change your diet to a healthier style and combined with exercise it will make you feel tons better.

Get counselling if you feel you need to, do not be ashamed of needing help, we all need help at some point in time!!

Your W may be being the best wife ever now but this is an attempt to rug sweep and get you off the situation and away from the dangerous details that could get her lynched.

Stay calm.


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

GoSoHosed said:


> Hi,
> I discovered my WW affairs 3 months ago. I am distressed that I am still in such a bad way. I can't focus on work, I work for myself so this could be a big problem), all I do is go to coffee shops and cruise sites like this obsessively. I hate it when my ww is happy. It's like I take it that she is being ****y and waving her attitude in my face. We are supposed to go on a vacation in 2 weeks and after I come back I am seriously going to think of a divorce. I have not yet because I was in such a bad way and am finally at a point where my skin is not crawling and I can at least sleep for 4 or 5 hours straight. Others have told me not to rush to a decision while I was hurting so much and wait, there was no rush. Good days are just bad with constant bad thoughts and movies and the bad days are when I break down.
> Even if I felt like a got a sufficient remorseful response I am not sure I would be able to deal with it.
> Stats:
> ...


If she's lying to you, she's NOT acting like a "great wife".

You've got a lot of good years left in you. Cut bait, work on yourself and your business, and know that there are better tomorrows in store for you PROVIDED you're firm and proactive. Get rid of the cancer in your life.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

No kids? Multiple affairs. Look up the 180 and do it.

There have really been no consequences for her actions. File for divorce now to make this real for her. Divorce takes a long time by design to give you a chance to change your mind. 

In my opinion with no kids and multiple affairs, it just isn’t worth the trouble of keeping her.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Your reconciliation can't even begin to have a chance to start without her commitment to telling 100% of the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Until you get that, every time you guess or find something out you will go right back to square one and you will never know what you are dealing with.

It is very difficult to deal with trickle truth or lies; even ultimatums might not work.

I do know - from experience and from many others on here - that you need to resolve that issue before trying to solve anything else.

Have you told her how important the truth is and what the consequences of continued lies are?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why would you wish to stay married who has engaged in different sexual affairs putting your health at risk for STD's? You know there had to be times you have had sex with her right after she was with one of her lovers.

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you? Her actions show that she has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Poly. 180. 

Truth->R if possible.
Lies->D. ASAP.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

All good advice so far. The 180 link is in my sig line. There are a couple of books you should read to help you gain insight and confidence in yourself. 

Look after yourself and don't dwell on her for the moment. I would be hard pressed to go on vacation with her. Why don't you think about going somewhere by yourself or with family/friends for part of that time. Look after yourself. 

Get yourself to see a competent individual counselor and see a lawyer to learn more about what is likely inevitable - you're married to a serial cheater - keep that in mind always.


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

Thanks everyone.
All good advise. 
I am taking care of myself as much as possible. Exercise 7 days a week, eat extremely well and give it all I have to think positively ( not much success in this department) although there are times when I think everything is going to be all right and can even vision myself single.
I understand the poly, but I am not going to go there. She cheated and it is what it is. I know a lot of the truth, she is the one not telling. I told her I was getting a divorce and she freaked. Was so sorry and all that, but when things go her way and she is on top of the world she goes back to her old personality. Even a little too ****y for my state of mind at the moment. Anyway, like I mentioned in the original post, after this trip in 2 weeks there is nothing in the way now of me being able to go for the divorce. Every time I think "I can't do that" I also think I have no choice and for some strange reason I calm down and forget all the little details. 
I just thought that I would be not as indecisive, lack of energy, down and just plain scared by now.


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

I have a lawyer all set up and even have paid them in full. They are just waiting on me.
The trip is out of the country all expenses paid from her company. After this I will not be able to afford much for a while. It is no excuse but I have waited this far.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe you can file for divorce before the vacation?

How did you catch her? How can she deny the other affairs?

She is a serial cheater. Was she divorced from one or more husbands because of her tendency to wander in search of male companionship?

:lol: You post a second before me and answered one question.


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

We are both in our 2nd marriages. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I thought that of her as well but I am not so sure now.
Maybe I am rushing where I think I should be but some days are like it was last week. 
How do you do the 180 if you live together and want peace in the house at least till the big d conversation?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

All I saw was "lies" and "others," glad you got a lawyer.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

GoSoHosed said:


> We are both in our 2nd marriages. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I thought that of her as well but I am not so sure now.
> Maybe I am rushing where I think I should be but some days are like it was last week.
> How do you do the 180 if you live together and want peace in the house at least till the big d conversation?


180 simplified-

Consider you are sitting in your car which is parked in a seedy alley and a street hooker approaches you. Would you engage in a conversation with her? Hell no. You would ignore her. Now think how your wife f*cked the OM(s) like a street ho. Deal with her like the ho she is. 

Worked for me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If your wife has had multiple affairs, she is a serial cheater. The consensus is that serisl cheaters are so broken they cannot be fixed. Get out as quick as possible. I don't see how one could go on vacation with such a creature.

The 180 needs to be read carefully. It specifically states to be cheerful. Do not argue, accuse etc. Do not spy, or discuss the relationship, etc.

Who did she cheat with and how did you catch her?


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## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

My man, you are feeling low and that makes it hard to take action. But take action you must. My 2c: Divorce her: The betrayal was multiple and prolonged. You can't trust a word she says, and you know this. So why have a marriage with someone you positively know you cannot trust. She is acting all like a good wife. Acting being the operative word. 

Why stay with someone who you can't trust who betrays you? 

Leave, and you will get back your self respect.

Whatever you decide, be hard ass with your wife.


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

I don't want to say how and with who right now just incase she happens along here. My stat could expose who I am to her


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There are a lot of cheaters so she will not recognize you. The greatest security threat is your own computer. Do you share one with her? Can she see your browsing history?


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> There are a lot of cheaters so she will not recognize you. The greatest security threat is your own computer. Do you share one with her? Can she see your browsing history?


We have separate computers. passwords on everything - gee that's trust!

VAR & a lot of what weightlifter says


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

GoSoHosed said:


> We have separate computers. passwords on everything - gee that's trust!
> 
> VAR & a lot of what weightlifter says


Oh dear, does seem as though you are now a spectator in your own life!!!

Might I ask why you have never suspected anything before? Is she very much take charge and take it or leave it kind of person?


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

wranglerman said:


> Oh dear, does seem as though you are now a spectator in your own life!!!
> 
> Might I ask why you have never suspected anything before? Is she very much take charge and take it or leave it kind of person?


Yes she is until I said I am divorcing you and I gave her my ring (kind of tossed it). 

She floored me, she got all I'm going to kill myself **** and no no no and I '' do anything. I never seen or heard her like this before. I must admit I liked it.:scratchhead:


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

GoSoHosed said:


> Yes she is until I said I am divorcing you and I gave her my ring (kind of tossed it).
> 
> She floored me, she got all* I'm going to kill myself ***** and no no no and I '' do anything. I never seen or heard her like this before. I must admit I liked it.:scratchhead:


Call 911


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

WhiteRaven said:


> Call 911


If you had a VAR then her screaming that at you is enough to get her committed for the night at least 

While the cat's away and all that, could have left you free to get on the evidence gathering thread and getting her PC and phone unlocked and in your capacity for researching.

GET THE VARs


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GoSoHosed said:


> We are both in our 2nd marriages. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I thought that of her as well but I am not so sure now.
> Maybe I am rushing where I think I should be but some days are like it was last week.
> How do you do the 180 if you live together and want peace in the house at least till the big d conversation?


If you have the means and wherewithal, look up her ex-husband. If he will sit down and talk with you, ask him the real reason they split up. I bet he will give you a very different version of their breakup than she gave you.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

OMG....file for a D and go on vacation without her....My god man,why would want to go anywhere with her.....3 months after d-day i told oms wife and had photo evidence from her phone of them together and Naplamed his World..I stayed for one year gathering more evidence,when i saw this was Impossiable to ever
get over i filed a lawsuit against their company ..(he was her superior) and they subsaquently lost THEIR jobs. I did the 180 the entire and she had no,i mean no idea where i was coming from.

This seems irreparably broken...


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

13 years of marriage. Three PA's. One every four years. You, faithful as the day is long. Good husband, provider, self employed, always home. Should I go on about your good qualities. It sounds like that is what you need to hear, right now. She keeps gutting you every 3-4 years man. How many more stab wounds are you going to take, before there is no blood left. Do yourself a favor, go on that last vacation, on her employers dime. Live it up, eat, drink do whatever. Come home and wreck the vacation memories for her, that would give her some idea of how you feel, without you sinking to her level and having a PA yourself. Tell her to pound sand and go make a life with one of her AP's. You can do this man, the BS here have be strong, you will survive, I promise, the good always prevail. Good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

GoSoHosed said:


> She floored me, she got all I'm going to kill myself **** and no no no and I '' do anything. I never seen or heard her like this before. I must admit I liked it.:scratchhead:


 When she said that to you, your reply should have been, "If your so worried about it now, Why weren't you worried about it when you were screwing the OM?"

Honestly, why would you want to go on vacation with her. Do you really think you can enjoy a trip with someone that you can't stand to look at?

If it was me, I would let her go and when she's leaving, tell her that when she gets back, she better have another place to live because she's isn't welcome in the house any longer. I think it's crazy to go.

Having her go by herself will give you a leg up with living by yourself. It can give you the time to gather your wits and get some peace of mind and not have to interact with her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I did the 180 and my wife stayed in the house, one of the upstairs bedrooms.

I am now in R but I started the process for D and my wife finally repented and came clean on everything in April 2013.
, 
I wrote little notes to myself, like "Keep my mouth shut", and I was able to do it.


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## GoSoHosed (Apr 17, 2014)

When she said I going to kill myself it came out so fast and was so flat in her speech that it was more of a smoke screen of distraction than anything to be considered seriously. 
Also she travels a lot and that is when she was romping. 
I found out because she brags like nobody else and was telling all her friends about what was going on. I even heard her say she loves me to them, _weird_. It is amazing what is said behind your back. Thursday night it's I love you to me and blah blah blah and Friday morning to her friends it's he is so mean to me, he ignores me, he this and he that.
If anyone suspects anything, get a good VAR and don't spare the $$


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Dude, I'd cancel the vacation, see what money was refunded and when she asks for the tickets have the divorce papers served on the day you are supposed to be leaving. Yeah, I know, to involved, but no way would we be going on a trip together.


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