# Extremely attracted to coworker...am I a bad person?????



## The_Good_Wife

My heart is not where it's supposed to be. I shouldn't be thinking the stuff I think for this other guy, but I can't help it. I enjoy time with him ,more than I do with my husband. He makes me laugh all the time. We have the same sense of humor. It is just amazing how good I feel around him. He knows I am married and is very respectful and careful, but there have been many instances where I catch him stare at my butt and pretend he wasn't when I turn my head. He picks on me non stop all 8hours we work together and I pick on him back. I feel like a f****** high schooler. He is in his 30s and I am no high schooler, but we giggle at each others jokes etc. etc. it is pretty silly. I feel like I need to be happy so bad that I am completely disrespecting my marriage. Normaly with male coworkers I make sure I always talk about my husband in a positive way so that they know that I am unavailable and happilly married.....but lately the "happilly" part has completely vanished and when I am with this guy I never bring my husband up. I wish I was single so I could get to know him better. My husband gives me the financial stability I want, but that's it. It hasn't even been a year of marriage and I know I made a mistake. I must have. There is no way there would be any space in my brain and heart for other men if I was happilly married. 


I like to think that I'm not a bad person. I am just so attracted to my new coworker and the fact that he is super good looking doesn't help either.


:scratchhead:


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## bandit.45

The_Good_Wife said:


> My heart is not where it's supposed to be. I shouldn't be thinking the stuff I think for this other guy, but I can't help it. I enjoy time with him ,more than I do with my husband. He makes me laugh all the time. We have the same sense of humor. It is just amazing how good I feel around him. He knows I am married and is very respectful and careful, but there have been many instances where I catch him stare at my butt and pretend he wasn't when I turn my head. He picks on me non stop all 8hours we work together and I pick on him back. I feel like a f****** high schooler. He is in his 30s and I am no high schooler, but we giggle at each others jokes etc. etc. it is pretty silly. I feel like I need to be happy so bad that I am completely disrespecting my marriage. Normaly with male coworkers I make sure I always talk about my husband in a positive way so that they know that I am unavailable and happilly married.....but lately the "happilly" part has completely vanished and when I am with this guy I never bring my husband up. I wish I was single so I could get to know him better. My husband gives me the financial stability I want, but that's it. It hasn't even been a year of marriage and I know I made a mistake. I must have. There is no way there would be any space in my brain and heart for other men if I was happilly married.
> 
> 
> I like to think that I'm not a bad person. I am just so attracted to my new coworker and the fact that he is super good looking doesn't help either.
> 
> 
> :scratchhead:


Every time I read one of your posts you talk about what a great guy your husband is.:scratchhead:

When the hell did all this go down? You have been on this board long enough to know what we are all going to tell you. 

Quit your job, get away from this guy and cling to your husband!

Quit being an idiot!! You know what you need to do.


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## The_Good_Wife

I have an amazing sex life??? When did this happen? Am I included in that scene? lol


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## Jellybeans

Stay away from him.


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## bandit.45

The_Good_Wife said:


> I have an amazing sex life??? When did this happen? Am I included in that scene? lol


Sorry I went back and fixed that part before your replied. I had to go and reread your posts. Sorry, but I did not think things were that bad between you and your husband. 

Be that as it may. KNOCK THIS SH*T OFF!!!


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## Entropy3000

The_Good_Wife said:


> My heart is not where it's supposed to be. I shouldn't be thinking the stuff I think for this other guy, but I can't help it. I enjoy time with him ,more than I do with my husband. He makes me laugh all the time. We have the same sense of humor. It is just amazing how good I feel around him. He knows I am married and is very respectful and careful, but there have been many instances where I catch him stare at my butt and pretend he wasn't when I turn my head. He picks on me non stop all 8hours we work together and I pick on him back. I feel like a f****** high schooler. He is in his 30s and I am no high schooler, but we giggle at each others jokes etc. etc. it is pretty silly. I feel like I need to be happy so bad that I am completely disrespecting my marriage. Normaly with male coworkers I make sure I always talk about my husband in a positive way so that they know that I am unavailable and happilly married.....but lately the "happilly" part has completely vanished and when I am with this guy I never bring my husband up. I wish I was single so I could get to know him better. My husband gives me the financial stability I want, but that's it. It hasn't even been a year of marriage and I know I made a mistake. I must have. There is no way there would be any space in my brain and heart for other men if I was happilly married.
> 
> 
> I like to think that I'm not a bad person. I am just so attracted to my new coworker and the fact that he is super good looking doesn't help either.
> 
> 
> :scratchhead:


You are in an EA. Good people get caught up in EAs. But when good people realize this they do something about it. So as they say the bird is in your hands.

You are not going to like what I am going to tell you.

You have to go NC with this guy. You know what that means.

He is coming between you and your husband. Your are experiencing Dopamine and Oxytocin with this other guy. You both are meeting each others needs. You have already made the leap from inappropriate to the one where you realize you are being less than faithful to your husband.

This is tough love. Been there. You cannot play with this.

You are justifying your actions by saying you are not happily married. You are preparing to cheat or cut your husband loose.

People in happy marriages do fall into EAs because they have weak boundaries. Yes those in less than good marriages are more vulnerable. But whose issue is this to fix? In this logic then anytime a person is attracted to another they are justified because there is something wrong with thier marriage.

That said, you are being unfaithful after only one year. Yikes!!! 

All I can say is that you should divorce your husband before you take your relationship with this OM any further. Sounds like this needs to be pretty quick. You probably have found an opportunity to trade up and want to act on it. You have to decide if that makes you good, bad or whatever.


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## TBT

Wishing you were single? So what is stopping you? Just don't make the split worse by cheating.Your husband deserves at least that much respect.From what you posted you're already on the slippery slope and you're aware of it.So whatever happens from here on will be a clear cut choice on your part.Good luck.


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## scione

You want to destroy your marriage for a temporary fun. What you feel right now will only last for a couple of years. It's not love. If you are to go with the co-worker, in a few years, your feeling to him will be the same as what you feel for your husband now. Then you'll go on to the next guy? Use your brain, instead of your .... (Fill in the blank).


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## Entropy3000

So did not read her old threads, but the topics are unsettling for a marriage one year old. So it seems she is not a happy camper.


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## The_Good_Wife

I'm sorry I don't know what "NC" and "OM" mean..




> That said, you are being unfaithful after only one year. Yikes!!!


It hasn't even been a year. I am not being unfaithful! I am not acting on my thoughts. Other than the fact that I enjoy my coworkers company at work, I am not doing anything else. As far as the coworker knows I am "unaware" of his desires and I am just being "friendly" with him. I don't complain to him about my husband. I am not directly trying to show him any sexual interest. I do want to rip his shirt off at times, but I also haven't had sex with my husband in 2 weeks so...yeah


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## Shaggy

You are trying to cake eat by continuing to flirt and have non purely professional only contact with this guy.

You are on the path to very bad things. So what are you going to do about changing course?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Time to change your screen name.


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## that_girl

Two weeks without sex and you're lusting after someone else? HOLY!


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## canttrustu

The_Good_Wife said:


> I'm sorry I don't know what "NC" and "OM" mean..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It hasn't even been a year. I am not being unfaithful! I am not acting on my thoughts. Other than the fact that I enjoy my coworkers company at work, I am not doing anything else. As far as the coworker knows I am "unaware" of his desires and I am just being "friendly" with him. I don't complain to him about my husband. I am not directly trying to show him any sexual interest. I do want to rip his shirt off at times, but I also haven't had sex with my husband in 2 weeks so...yeah


Youre not being Unfaithful????? Sure you are. Youre on a board talking up some random dude you work with and saying how much you'd like to rip off his shirt while betraying your husband.......UNFAITHFUL!


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## Entropy3000

The_Good_Wife said:


> I'm sorry I don't know what "NC" and "OM" mean..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It hasn't even been a year. I am not being unfaithful! I am not acting on my thoughts. Other than the fact that I enjoy my coworkers company at work, I am not doing anything else. As far as the coworker knows I am "unaware" of his desires and I am just being "friendly" with him. I don't complain to him about my husband. I am not directly trying to show him any sexual interest. I do want to rip his shirt off at times, but I also haven't had sex with my husband in 2 weeks so...yeah


NC = No Contact

OM = Other Man

Once we get into an EA which I believe you are from your explanation we are acting under the influence of the brain chemicals Dopamine and Oxytocin. Think of Oxytocin as the comfortable chemical. We have this with close friends and relatives. Dopamine is the In Love chemical. This chemcial usually is brought about in large quantity by one person at a time. However it can shift in an unstable state. A confused state.

Anyway, until I went NC and got through withdrawal I was convinced we were just close friends. Once the fog of the chemicals cleared I realized I was wrong. People in EAs generally believe in the erarly stages they are just friends. Then they accept that we love our close friends. This evolves.

My definitions below:

Inappropriate -> Unfaithful -> Cheating.

Inappropriate is taking risks. You are not actively hiding anything. There is no unfaithful thoughts or actions. But you are putting yourself in a gray area. 

Unfaithful begins when you are doing or thinking things that your spouse would not consider entirely faithful. Now we hate the thought police of course but it starts when you fantasize about this other person. When we do this we program our future behaviors. We are slowly allowing ourselves to fall in love with another. Our boundaires slide. Trust me this guy knows you are into him. You light up with him. You have started to enter the unfaithful area. To be faithful you would now need to cut this guy out of your life. You cannot play just the tip with this stuff. It is like saying I can quit cocain anytime I want, I just don't want to now. Maybe tomorrow. You already said you were thinking you wished you were single. You are preparing yourself for the next steps. This guy is getting the vibe if you are thinking this.

Do you dress better when you know you will see him? Do you like going to work because he will be there? Do you miss him? You and this guy are bonding .... emotionally which prepares the road for the physical actions.

Anyway, once you are deep into unfaithful which is where you are headed unless you change the momentum somehow the rest is just playing it out. 

I am not critisizing you. I am trying to say HEY!!! you are on the edge. Don't take another step. You will fall and hurt your marriage.


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## Unhappy2011

The_Good_Wife said:


> My heart is not where it's supposed to be. I shouldn't be thinking the stuff I think for this other guy, but I can't help it. I enjoy time with him ,more than I do with my husband. He makes me laugh all the time. We have the same sense of humor. It is just amazing how good I feel around him. He knows I am married and is very respectful and careful, but there have been many instances where I catch him stare at my butt and pretend he wasn't when I turn my head. He picks on me non stop all 8hours we work together and I pick on him back. I feel like a f****** high schooler. He is in his 30s and I am no high schooler, but we giggle at each others jokes etc. etc. it is pretty silly. I feel like I need to be happy so bad that I am completely disrespecting my marriage. Normaly with male coworkers I make sure I always talk about my husband in a positive way so that they know that I am unavailable and happilly married.....but lately the "happilly" part has completely vanished and when I am with this guy I never bring my husband up. I wish I was single so I could get to know him better. *My husband gives me the financial stability I want, but that's it. * It hasn't even been a year of marriage and I know I made a mistake. I must have. There is no way there would be any space in my brain and heart for other men if I was happilly married.
> 
> 
> I like to think that I'm not a bad person. I am just so attracted to my new coworker and the fact that he is super good looking doesn't help either.
> 
> 
> :scratchhead:


Nobody cuts men any slack when they string along good women just because she is good to them, so you should not be cut any slack either.

You're married for the wrong reason and you know it.

Do the right thing. You know what that is.


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## Catherine602

Good
I read your other post and you have a great deal going on. 

You made the decision to marry a man you may not have known well enough at a time when, as you yourself said, you were too young to make a decision. In addition, your husband may have a PD and has medical issue that may be effecting his behavior. 

Finally, you are being played my a man with low character at work. I am going to leave aside the EA issue for now and ask you a few questions. Yes, it is an affair. 

If you were not legally tied to your husband but just in a relationship with him and he asked you to marry, what would your answer be? What is your idea of a good relationship? 

To me a good relationship has to include the basics - a sense of trust, safety, friendship mutual caring and concern, sexual compatibility and love. 

Do you see a future with him that includes elements of what can be described as a loving, trusting, and safe relationship? 

At 24 years old, you have a chance to recover from an ill advised marriage. To me it is ridiculous to base your decision on other people. This is your life. You need to confide in someone you trust. You're parents might be a good place to start.

Let them know what is really going on. If they love you they will support you,. If they don't love you enough to support you then love yourself enough to do what you need to do.

Your aunt C


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## Catherine602

Now about this coworker. 

You are being naive. He is trolling for a married woman to have sex with. He is slowly reeling you in. He picked you out because he could tell you are susceptible. Is that what you are - a sex thing for a married man looking for a little something for nothing? 

I had to laugh when you said he does not know that you are attracted to him. He is cultivating the attraction and he is playing you like a new fiddle. This man cares nothing for you are about you. To him, you are just another piece of azz to brag to his friends about. 

He is good looking? Many good looking charming men are narcissist. They use people and trow them away once they get what they want. 

There - I hope is the splash of cold reality. You are going to meet many men trolling for lonely young married women. He knows exactly what he is doing, you don't.

Self-respect and a sense of your high value will keep out of the sights of these men. They make a sport of this type of thing and they choose their target well, it not as compliment it's an insult. 

Open your eyes. Concentrate on getting things strait in your personal life. Don't be distracted by being used and abused by a player. 

Start now on really moving on settling things with your husband. Strive to be a mature and self protected young woman with self respect and a sense of her value. 

Don't settle into a serious relationship until you have dated at lest 10 men so that you see what you want. Don't get emotionally involved before you find out if the man is worth an emotional investment. 

Not every man who shows an interest in you is good for you. Learn to read the signs. There are many good books on decoding male behavior. Read them. 

Your aunt C


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## 2xloser

*zipping my mouth shut and not adding a word to aunt C's words of wisdom* :iagree: What else is there to say??


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## The_Good_Wife

> Do you dress better when you know you will see him? Do you like going to work because he will be there? Do you miss him? You and this guy are bonding


Yes 

He is the kind of guy I would never consider dating with the hopes of leading in a serious relationship before I met my husband. Good looking, charming, smart, smokes, drinks, life of the party. He is the oposite of my husband when it comes to personality. When I met my husband I had a very strong sense of right and wrong. Never rebeled as a teen. The only person I've ever had sex with is my husband. I always thought that when I find the right guy I will give him EVERYTHING so I didn't want to mess around with many men before I find the one I can see a future with. So I found the nice guy that my friends and family love and married him. I see a side that nobody else sees though. He is the nice guy at work and then comes home and uses me as his punch bag. I get to "pay" for his frustrations at work. He is depressed. He yells at me for little things and he has hit me more times than I remember. I am too proud to talk to anyone I know about this because I am supposed to have the perfect marriage...because I deserve it, right? So I am married to the "nice guy" who in reality is a ****ing monster that acts like an angel in front of others. And now I am the bi**h who is cheatting. I get it. I'm a horrible person. Thanks.

So am I being stupid for having sexual thoughts about a charming coworker? Of course I am! I know exactly what the good looking single guy at work wants. I've been around charming men before. But I've always known how to put them in their place because I was a happier more secure person before I married my wonderful husband. Am I acting vulnerable and naive? 1000%. Do I feel good about myself? of course not. I feel like crap. But still the idea of going to work tomorrow and getting to spend time with the "charming jerk" that makes me laugh excites me.


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## bandit.45

The bigger question is then, why have you remained with an abusive husband? 

I don't think you're a bad person... I think your stupid. :scratchhead:

Divorce your husband now! Get out of the house and tell your parents and everyone the truth about him. You are too young to be settling for a life of abuse. 

This other man is showing you the kindness and attention you are not getting at home. All the more reason to stay away from him.

This thread just took a hard left turn.


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## Unhappy2011

^^ Yeah, no kidding.

Op, Why did you wait to disclose that now?

Staying in a marriage even though you are unhappy because you think that is what everyone else wants is a not a good reason. It's not their life. It's yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011

Also why did you describe your husband as a monster then in the next paragraph describe him as wonderful?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

If you want to pull this out of the crapper, get you and your husband to counseling ASAP

His actions are dead wrong, and so are yours now.

Time for both of you to stop hurting each other, and figure out how to love and respect and care for each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

The_Good_Wife said:


> Yes
> 
> He is the kind of guy I would never consider dating with the hopes of leading in a serious relationship before I met my husband. Good looking, charming, smart, smokes, drinks, life of the party. He is the oposite of my husband when it comes to personality. When I met my husband I had a very strong sense of right and wrong. Never rebeled as a teen. The only person I've ever had sex with is my husband. I always thought that when I find the right guy I will give him EVERYTHING so I didn't want to mess around with many men before I find the one I can see a future with. So I found the nice guy that my friends and family love and married him. I see a side that nobody else sees though. He is the nice guy at work and then comes home and uses me as his punch bag. I get to "pay" for his frustrations at work. He is depressed. He yells at me for little things and he has hit me more times than I remember. I am too proud to talk to anyone I know about this because I am supposed to have the perfect marriage...because I deserve it, right? So I am married to the "nice guy" who in reality is a ****ing monster that acts like an angel in front of others. And now I am the bi**h who is cheatting. I get it. I'm a horrible person. Thanks.
> 
> So am I being stupid for having sexual thoughts about a charming coworker? Of course I am! I know exactly what the good looking single guy at work wants. I've been around charming men before. But I've always known how to put them in their place because I was a happier more secure person before I married my wonderful husband. Am I acting vulnerable and naive? 1000%. Do I feel good about myself? of course not. I feel like crap. But still the idea of going to work tomorrow and getting to spend time with the "charming jerk" that makes me laugh excites me.


The most important thing is the abuse. That is unacceptable. Not an excuse for cheating. A reason for divorcing. Take care of that first.

So you see this new guy as the Alpha bad boy.

Ok ... check.

Forget this for now and deal with your more immediate issue of being in an absuive relationship.

Then make sure not to repeat this. That happens all of the time.


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## that_girl

I'm so confused. OP, why are you upset with people's advice when you didn't tell them the whole story?


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## Entropy3000

Unhappy2011 said:


> Also why did you describe your husband as a monster then in the next paragraph describe him as wonderful?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Battered wife syndome perhaps. I have a relative who has been married three times. She has been beaten by all of them.

When we have intervened to help her she defends him to the end. He is either wonderful or abusive. The cops haul him off and then he comes back to her waiting arms. UFB.


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## Chelle D

Good Wife...

I feel for you. I know it's hard. It's a battle you've got to decide upon. If you are the type that will never consider leaving your hubby. That you are "in" the marriage & will always "be in" the marraige (I know I'll get **** about this because of the abuse issue - but some women will never "leave") ... IT can be very hard when you are attracted to someone else.

Make sure this guy knows where you stand in your marriage. That he is just taking you as a friend & not hoping for more. That he would not do anything to jeprodize your your marriage.

Then, really you need to only converse with him as a friend. Do NOT share email addresses/ textings. Do NOT give yourself easy access to spend "extra" time with him outside of work duties... and duties needed to perform for the work.

Start thinking of your hubby & how he attracts you & think about the last time he did something wonderful for you.. Or the last time you shared a joke together. Etc. 

Actively think about hubs.( to try to get your mind off the coworker)


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## bandit.45

Chelle D said:


> Good Wife...
> 
> Start thinking of your hubby & how he attracts you & think about the last time he did something wonderful for you.. Or the last time you shared a joke together. Etc.
> 
> Actively think about hubs.


Hubs is smacking her around. Read the thread.


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## Chelle D

bandit.45 said:


> Hubs is smacking her around. Read the thread.


I'm re-reading.... I only got glimpses... I did edit some of my post, to recognize the situation.

I know.. I'll get backlash for not telling her to up & leave her hubby. & Sorry, even in an abusive relationship, the hubby can still be loved.


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## working_together

I've only read bits and pieces of your thread, but it sounds a little of what happened to me...and unfortunately I went down the wrong road.

I starting flirting with a very attractive (tall dark handsome) guy, he was everything my husband wasn't, a real bad boy. I had never been with anyone else, and it appealed to me that this person became obsessed with me, and pursued me to the point where I began to fantisize about him constantly.

In the end, it cost me my marriage, and a lot of respect.

Even if there's no sex, it's still an affair. Put a stop to it before it gets out of control. You will regret this for the rest of your life, end your marriage first if you're not happy, I wish I had done that.


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## CH

TGW, what's your screen name again?

The_good_wife...

So, you have your answer on what you have to do, if that screen name is the truth then you already know what needs to be done.

BTW, leave your husband and become the_good_wife to someone that will treat you right.

Do the right thing and move on with your life and away from the loser who beats you and then pursue the new hunk at work as a single gal :smthumbup:

And why does this thumbs up remind me of the Fonz so much.


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## pianist87

Reading your post is like reading a page out of my journal. I am in an extremely similar situation, except the person that I'm attracted to is someone I go to school with so we only see each other once a week. Still, we've gone out for drinks after work just the two of us, he knows I'm married and hasn't done anything. However, there is intense flirting and I often wonder if I made a move what would come of it.

If you're interested in saving your marriage, things between the two of you need to stop. Since you work together it's going to be difficult to change your work relationship so you need to have a talk with him up front about it. Tell this guy it's not appropriate to be acting this way and things need to settle down between the two of you.

It's incredibly difficult to tell the person you're interested in all of this, but it has to happen. Like you, I find myself having a better time with my friend than my husband. I'm currently contemplating a divorce not just because of this, but because of some other issues that haven't improved. 

Good luck with things!


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## muso85

Can relate somewhat - often people outside your marriage (friends, strangers, co-workers...) just somehow 'click' with you more than your spouse. A month or so ago I met up with a friend who I'd studied with a few years ago but hadn't seen since uni - we immediately 'clicked': understood each other, had a deep conversation about life and our mutual interests, just felt amazing to talk to someone that easily. (I'm pretty reserved and quiet normally.) Probably touched on deeper topics with her in 2 hours of conversation than I have with my wife in the last 3 years!! Was like a case of instant infatuation, and was very tempting to run off with her!! Now a month later, and not having seen each other since, I realise that would have been a very stupid idea - we hardly know each other really, and one night of getting on brilliantly doesn't necessarily translate into lifelong happiness!! 

I think you need to somehow get some space from this attractive co-worker, and work out what it is about this guy that has 'got you going' - what is the root of the attraction. Maybe your husband has these qualities in him too, but just needs encouragement to bring them out?


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## working_together

It just goes to show you how easy it is to get wrapped up in another person of the opposite sex. And really, if you met them when you were single you'd probably not even click with them or notice them, it's all about getting attention from someone else.

Boundaries are really important when you are married. I never really agreed with friends of the opposite sex when you're married, it just seems to get complicated. My ex hubby had a female friend about 10 years ago, she was a beautiful woman, a eurpean woman who could have been a model, I met her etc. I thought nothing of it really, she even sent nude pics, he showed me them, and I wasn't jealous at all, ok maybe slightly, but our marriage was good at the time. But then once I came onto this forum I realized, wholly crow, that was so wrong, I now realize it was an EA. Then he had another female friend in the last year, and because of our marital issues, this time it became easier for him to develop feelings for her. It may have not have caused the ending of our marriage, but it sure didn't help it.

This forum can really shed some light on what is acceptable and not in a relationship.


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## Unhappy2011

This maybe mean but the OP sounds like an idiot who succumbs to social pressure of what she thinks is supposed to be a good husband.
She never would have considered this guy when she was single but now that she is married she is hot for him?

Ugh...so stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The_Good_Wife

> Also why did you describe your husband as a monster then in the next paragraph describe him as wonderful?


I was being sarcastic when I said "wonderful".....:scratchhead:


Thanks for your opinions everyone.


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## Jellybeans

Why are you still with your husband if he's abusive?

You mentioned he provides financial stability but... you have a job. So it's not like you are SOL in that department.

If you're so unhappy w/ your husband, get out of the marriage.

Even if you get a little hot and bothered for the charming co-worker, it doesn't change the fact that you are married to an abuser.

So do something about it.


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## The_Good_Wife

Jellybeans thank you. I am working on it. It's not as easy. When I was single I was the first to give advice to people about this kind of stuff. Things are not always that easy. I care about him. I still love him even though I am not in love with him anymore. He wants to be a good person really bad, but he is messed up. He has threatened numerous times to kill himself if I brought up breaking up or cancelling the wedding or getting a divorce. He is completely ****ed up....but then a few hours later he is totally normal, super logical, acts like everything is fine. He is so good at fooling everyone that he is the normal, educated nice guy that not only he has fooled me too, but he also believes it himself.


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## Jellybeans

Well that is the cycle of abuse--happy, tension, a blow up, then they are sorry and it starts all over again. 

You're right--it is much easier said than done to break away from an abuser..but by the same token--it isn't. 

Where there is a will, there is a way.

If you want it bad enough, you will get away from him. 

Don't involve third parties in your marriage. Nothing good will ever come from that. Also,you don't want to be known as the married wh*re at your job (sorry if that is offensive but I am trying to make a point). You dont want that reputation at work.

Resolve your marital issues first and then figure out what to do with your life.


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## The_Good_Wife

No you're not being offensive. I definitely don't want that kind of reputation at work or anywhere else. I am really trying to be apropriate at work and keep an apropriate relationship with the guy. I try to make it clear to him that we are coworkers and just friends but it's at the point where it will be very very easy for our relationship to move to a different level. My husband has noticed that when he comes to my work everyone is very friendly to him, but this guy avoids eye contact and is very cold to my husband. This happened even the very first time they met, but I didn't think anything of it.

I need some advice from men whether they think my behaviour has been flirty or whether his has been.
Here are some things that we have said/done:

-He asked me what I thought of married women that cheat on their husbands. i told him that he should stay away from those kinds of women. Then he asked what I thought of men that slept with married women. I told him that I have no respect for those kind of men. I told him that if he ever finds himself in that kind of situation to stay away from that woman because there are so many single girls out there that would love to be with him...so it's not worth it. Then he ends the conversation by saying that he met this girl at the bar who was all over him and after they had done stuff she informed him that she is married....

-Since the first time we started working together he would frequently find reasons to touch my arm or back or bump into me, step on my new shoes etc...We had a conversation while taking a smoke break where he startred talking about how he doesnt have a gf and that he is having a hard time finding a nice girl that wouldn't mind him being broke. "Girls like nice cars, and expensive stuff and I can't offer that kind of stuff to a woman yet" he sais. So he said he is insecure about trying to find a serious girlfriend because most women just want to have fun with him and that's it. I felt bad and told him that I think he is a great guy and that he shouldn't worry because there are woment out there who don't just care about money. I hugged him. After that hug it seems like I gave him the ok to touch me even more so now when we meet at work in the back office he hugs me. He makes sure he does that when there are no other people around so one time I made sure we hugged in front of other coworkers and I hugged everyone else too when I left to go home saying that "I am a hugger...I like hugging everyone"....hoping that he doesn't think too much of our hugs.


-I try to joke with everyone at work. Women, men, young old, including him. I don't want him or anyone to feel like I give him special treatment.

-I catch him often look at my butt. I catch myself staring at his chest and lips when we talk sometimes. 

-He drives me home sometimes. We talk about random things. I noticed he takes the long way to get me there. I thank him and go home. He acts like a different person in the car. Usually is confident and more reserved at work. In the car he can't stop talking. 

-He made us alcoholic drinks at work to drink at the end of our shift (just me and him). I didn't drink it (I did try some though).

-He hasn't attempted to add me on facebook and we don't have each others numbers. (planning to keep it that way). 

-I jokingly told him that men that speak french sound sexy. Now he speaks french any chance he gets in front of me with our other coworker (older man).

-I complimented his tie one day and for 4 days straight he wore the same tie. 

-He hasn't made any inapropriate comments other than once when he said that he will slap my butt if I don't high five him? I was upset and let him know that was not apropriate and that joking around is good to a point.



How much of my behaviour and his is inapropriate in other peoples eyes??? If you didnt know I am super attracted to him would you think I am being inapropriate? Does my behavior show him that I like him more than just in a friendly way? Is his behaviour inapropriate or are we just acting like two coworkers that realy enjoy working together??


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## Catherine602

I don't understand what you want to hear. The majority of the posts are kind and supportive. Everyone who posted has had more relationship experience than you so we are sharing what we se that you may not be able to see. 

That is what I thought you wanted when you posted. Did you want to hear that you were driven to have sexual thoughts about another man by you husband.

First, most people in long term relationships are attracted to others. There are a number of people we come in contact with there is probably more than one person we form an emotions attachment. That part of it has nothing to do with your husband. 

What you do when you meet such a person is on you, only. This attraction to this man is a detraction and an escape that keeps you stuck in what sounds like an abusive relationship. 

It is better for you to concentrate on making some hard choices and not escaping into a fantasy. 

You husband has mental issues. The man you are attracted to is very like to have issues too. Personality types that behave the way you describe may be a narcissist or healthy and outgoing. 

You need to be able to tell the difference. The former will me you even more miserable than your present man and the latter may rock your world. 

Don't swear off of nice guys, those are the treasures of human nature that are overlooked by foolish women and snapped up by smart ones. You have to work on decrement and paying attention to red flags. 

There are personality types that masquerade as nice guys - BPD and sociopaths. Your husband may have the tendencies of one of these, from what you describe. 

You seem to lack discernment and you may have overlooked your husband dysfunctional behavior before the overt abuse. Don't do that again. Aunt C


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## krismimo

Okay I just read your thread and to me you have two completely different issues to approach and yet theyre connected. If I may be forward on the inside I think deep down you knew it was a bad idea to marry your husband but at the same time you felt "Safe" with him. Unless you haven been in a abusive relationship a lot of people can't really understand the cycle and why it is hard to leave, a lot of times you look at the aftermath of how sorry he is or what he does on the mean time, when he is nice to you or really good to you its really good and when it is bad it is really bad. There are two extremes here and to say the least very unhealthy. 

Your staying because you feel you deserve this to happen to you for some reason, you probably thinking "It is my bed so I lie in it, like your stuck in time and you feel that you can't do any better and although your husband is abusing you, the FEAR of being alone takes over even more so what do you do? You subconciously bond with a man that is the complete opposite of your husband, he has all the qualities that maybe you thought your husband had but it turned dark after you get married. From your perspective he treats you well, he treats you with respect and kindness which is not what you get at home. To be honest not having any sex with your husband is the least of your problems. Is it normal to feel attracted to other people when your married? I will say yes but it's what you do, and have self control. Your rebelling because you can't stand up for yourself at home so your doing it in a different way by spending more time with this other man. This is deeper than that. If you don't mind me asking and I might be wrong, because usually when women marry abusive men (Even after they find out after some time) Were you abused earlier in your child hood? Or teens? Or was someone close to you suffered from abuse and you were around?

You don't have to answer that directly here I ask that because sometimes were attracted to the things that hurt us and unless we break those cycles and unless we identify not only our weakneses in ourselves it's harder to "SEE" or detect what is good or bad. The abuse in your relationship has clouded your judgement all together not only in your marriage but also socially which is why NOW your slipping. Please confide in someone you trust like a MC or a counselor to gather the courage to leave over time. You DON"T deserve this to happen to you, you deserve to be happy and healthy I understand that you crave the affection and you want a companion but right now you need to slowly get yourself back to how you were before you met your husband and leave him. And everything I mentioned is something from experence first hand and has a witness. Good luck to you because only you can make you happy.


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## Shaggy

What do want hear the truth? The truth is that this guy is chasing you. He keeps talking about cheating,having no gf, the guy should put a sign around his knee announcing her hopes you'll cheat with him. What a scum bag. Wow. This is the guy who is getting you worked up, a guy who is hoping to bag a married woman who will happily dump her vows to get off with him. Yep,I can see what is so very attractive about him, he is a real good guy.

Ditch this guy ASAP. Resolve your marriage first. There are tons of jerks like him for afterwards if you divorce. It's bad enough being divorced, it's so much worse being divorced because you are a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

> -He asked me what I thought of married women that cheat on their husbands. i told him that he should stay away from those kinds of women. Then he asked what I thought of men that slept with married women. I told him that I have no respect for those kind of men. I told him that if he ever finds himself in that kind of situation to stay away from that woman because there are so many single girls out there that would love to be with him...so it's not worth it. Then he ends the conversation by saying that he met this girl at the bar who was all over him and after they had done stuff she informed him that she is married....


He is fishing so hard. Looks like a manipulator to be honest. I will bet a week's paycheck that the bar story is a lie. He just made it up to gauge your reaction. If you went along with it, he would have asked you to do it with him. Since you did not go along the plan, he made up a story on how he was manipulated. Kind of an odd story to bring up, don't you think? 

And think about how affairs start. You first build an emotional attachment with the other person and this leads to making out which leads to sex. You are in the first stage now.

That aside, you are too young to be in an abusive marriage and starting affairs. Get into counselling or get out. Don't worry, he(husband) won't kill himslef. He is too selfish to do that. Years later, you will wonder why you wasted so much time in such a horrible relationship


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## Jellybeans

Dude. (or rather, Woman lol). If you can't see this for what it is, you need to wake up and smell the ********* (coffee):



The_Good_Wife said:


> -He asked me what I thought of married women that cheat on their husbands. i told him that he should stay away from those kinds of women. Then he asked what I thought of men that slept with married women.
> 
> Since the first time we started working together he would frequently find reasons to touch my arm or back or bump into me, step on my new shoes etc.??


TROLLING SO HARD. Ew!!! Danger, danger!

Whyin the HELL are you letting him drive you home? Yuck. Your boundaries are very poor so my advice is to start working on shoring them up. You realllllllllllllllllly need to stay away from this guy. Yu've said yourself you are THISCLOSE from something happening/could happen so just STOP. 

You are a grown woman and can control this. 

Start by not going home with him in the car from work. 

Work is work. Why are you drinking at work??? That is insane. 

Again, work on your boundaries. This guy needs to get cut from your life STAT (besides work). At work, talk to him as you would any colleague and stop going home with him and drinking with him and participating in these conversations. 

Figure out what to do with your marriage FIRST. 

You are creating a massive spider's web that will just keep growing and leads to nowhere but pain and more hurt on top of your already abusive marriage.

Don't be That Woman. Cause right now you're on the way to being That Woman. You have said so yourself. 


-*He drives me home sometimes. *

-*He made us alcoholic drinks at work to drink at the end of our shift *(just me and him). I didn't drink it (I did try some though).

*-He hasn't made any inapropriate comments other than once when he said that he will slap my butt if I don't high five him? I was upset and let him know that was not apropriate and that joking around is good to a point.*

*How much of my behaviour and his is inapropriate in other peoples eyes???* 

All of this is super inappropriate--especially since most of it is happening in your WORKPLACE. Just...hell no.

Woman, you need to wake the EFF up.


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## BeachGuy

*This can only end badly*

While I completely relate to how "good" it makes you feel (been there, done that) you have to make a deicision. Divorce and be with this guy, or cut off all contact. No other options. I'd be willing to bet my next paycheck though if you did divorce and go with the co-worker, you'd be done with him in 6 months.

It's like when my 12 year old tells me she "wishes she could live with her best friend" and I try (foolishly) to convince her if they did live together, they'd regret it after about a month. Of course she doesn't belive that for a second. But she's 12. I don't expect HER too.

Nobody's going to come take you to jail or anything if you take things further w/o getting divorced. It's your decision, and you know the potential consequences.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans

BeachGuy said:


> Divorce and be with this guy


If she divorces, it should be because she wants to end her marriage, not because of someone else. Because even if she does divorce, there is zero guarantee it'd work out with this guy.

And it's clear this guy just wants a piece of married a$$.

If she divorces it should be because she realizes an abusive marriage isn't healthy.


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## ferndog

1) your married
2) your getting close to another and you are asking for advice because you know the answer already

3) think about yourself and your marriage

4)decide what to do about it (it's supposed to be till death do us part, i'm getting tired of people seeing it as dispossible)

5) tell your husband your on the verge of leaving him (or just leave him and stay with your parents)

6) have no contact with husband tell him he must change and fix all issues before he contacts you and then you'll decide if you believe him

7) you do not need another man in your life

8)your going to make mistakes over and over if you act on impulse

9) dating a man at work? Bad idea. You see him enough already and then he will be part of your life outside of work. You may get tired of not having space from this guy. 

If you dont fix this one way or another you may get really hurt down the road. Be responsible for your actions.if you are spiritually and morally ok with leaving your husband then do it. Just don't let another man be the reason.

Take my advice or else i'll spank your butt


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## The_Good_Wife

People I've only known my coworker for a few weeks. If my marriage was good I would still probably be attracted to him (being married doesn't mean we don't have eyes anymore), but would never consider anything sexual not even for a sexond. I don't think there would be any space in my heart or brain for any other man. I have worked around men the whole time I dated my husband. Good looking men. Good looking men have been interested in me, nad I never for a second back the considered anything. Head over hills over my husband.

So if I do decide to end my marriage, it will have absolutely nothnig to do with mr. charming coworker. I can control my hormones that much. 

Working on the marriage. Trying to see if we can do marriage counceling. I know in my heart that I don't want to be with my husband anymore. I am very angry and disapointed. I don't feel in love with him and I definitely feel like I deserve better. There are no kids involves and we haven't even been married for a year yet, so if anything will happen, it will happen soon and it will be for the best.


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## bandit.45

You still have time to file for an annulment. It is much faster and cheaper than a divorce, but you have to file before the one year mark. 

You need to break up with your husband. He is an abuser and he will only get worse with time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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