# My Sex Drive is Back and I Want More...



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

I've had no sex drive for years. In fact, I had come here seeking help for the issue. The in December I had a medical scare and found I was potassium deficient. Once my potassium levels had been restored, I found my sex drive was back...with a vengeance!

Since then, I have also lost 27 pounds. My sex drive is high, and my husband is a much happier man. However, on the occassional days I am unable to have sex (6 days out of the month at most, including time of month) he turns to porn. Or makes the off remark that I'm "going right back to the way I was." It is upsetting to me because we are having sex over 20 times a month...up from MAYBE once a month. 

So here is where the I want more comes in. I LOVE being dominated in the bedroom. I love bondage, and had an amazing partner years ago that indulged my fantasies. I would love to experience these things with my husband, but am unsure on how to approach the subject.

He does love to spank me with his hand but I'm wanting whips. 

I want the tied up experience as well.

My best friend just shared with me that her and her husband drew up a sexual slave contract between them and she said since then, sex has been mind blowing. I find myself jealous as I would love a similar arrangement with my husband.

I'm just not confident enough to broach the subject. Any thoughts? If any of you have opened the door to this with your partners, how did you go about bringing it up???


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

You should just give you husband 50 Shades of Grey and a wink....see where it goes.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

There is another site, fetlife, that has lots of resources for this type of thing. I'm slowly opening up my husband to the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

RavenWolf said:


> My sex drive is high, and my husband is a much happier man. However, on the occassional days I am unable to have sex (6 days out of the month at most, including time of month) he turns to porn. Or makes the off remark that I'm "going right back to the way I was." It is upsetting to me because we are having sex over 20 times a month...up from MAYBE once a month.


He is simply still a little resentful of what happened in the past. Don't be too hard on him, I would have been turning myself inside out 

It's great that you found that answer!

As for the S&M, if he likes spanking you, just put something in his hand and say use this. If he is already turned on, he will probably go with the flow. You might need a safe word soon, the way you are going


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I agree with MT...he is still resentful and a little untrusting that things are not going to change back to you having no sex drive again. Give it time and he will get past it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

As the others have siad it takes a long time to for get to for get and if he read boards like these he has sceen stories of people who have changed then went right back so the only thing that he needs is lots of time and ACTION.

I would also say writre down everything you want to do and have everything you want to do on that list, wrap the list up and give it to him and say here is a present for you,then you be ready in a out fit after he opens the list,because actions speak.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

RavenWolf said:


> I've had no sex drive for years. In fact, I had come here seeking help for the issue. The in December I had a medical scare and found I was potassium deficient. Once my potassium levels had been restored, I found my sex drive was back...with a vengeance!
> 
> Since then, I have also lost 27 pounds. My sex drive is high, and my husband is a much happier man. However, on the occassional days I am unable to have sex (6 days out of the month at most, including time of month) he turns to porn. Or makes the off remark that I'm "going right back to the way I was." It is upsetting to me because we are having sex over 20 times a month...up from MAYBE once a month.
> 
> ...


Isnt it amazing that we have such a hard time telling out spouse the thing that we desire. I agree its hard but we must have sit downs and open and honest conversations about our desires. Risk it. Tell him the things you desire to do together with him. Spell out what your fantasy is and tell him that you dont need to do all the things but you needed him to know what you think about from time to time. I tell my wife my fantasys but I also tell her I am ok that they are just fantasy s and not actually must dos. 

I agree you can find alot of info your looking for on Fetlife but its bit stong if you know what I mean?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

One way or another, you have to tell him. It's your choice whether you tell him everything at once, or a bit at a time.

If you choose to clue him in slowly, just buy a whip and hand it to him the next time you're in the bedroom. Or, tie yourself up before he gets to bed. He'll get the picture.

Good luck.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

MarkTwain said:


> He is simply still a little resentful of what happened in the past. Don't be too hard on him, I would have been turning myself inside out
> 
> It's great that you found that answer!
> 
> As for the S&M, if he likes spanking you, just put something in his hand and say use this. If he is already turned on, he will probably go with the flow. You might need a safe word soon, the way you are going


I had gotten to the point I could have sex again in the past and then went back to nothing so it could happen. However it's his actions that lead to lack of sex initially. Just when I think oir marriage is safe and I can relax a bit amd do bedroom stuff again, hr screws up.

Here I am getting him off almost every night, sometimes twice or more, and I find watching more porn.

He tells me how happy and proud he is that I am losing weight, enjoying sex, and how great I look now that I'm losing weight. But now he watches more porn???

The porn he watches is pretty tame. One man one woman, female masturbation with or without toys, and women shaving the girl bits.

I just feel my confidence dropping again. And it sucks. How can I feel attractive if he has to turn to porn more?

Funny thing is, he keeps saying once I lose all my weight I am going to leave him. WTF??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

RavenWolf said:


> Here I am getting him off almost every night, sometimes twice or more, and I find watching more porn.


Of course he watches porn. He spent years in a sexless marriage. He used porn as a release. You can't suddenly fix yourself and expect him to drop the crutch you forced him to use for years. Give it time.



> Funny thing is, he keeps saying once I lose all my weight I am going to leave him. WTF??


Sudden increase in libido is a red flag for adultery. Weight loss is another. I know you have a medical explanation, but it can still be unsettling.

What you have done is to destabilize your relationship. You have spent years heavy and sexless. Now, you're becoming more attractive and more sexual. That's different. And change can be scary. Even if it's good.

As a more attractive, more sexual woman, you might be able to attract a better man than your husband. That's what he's afraid of. Even if you don't intend to, and even if he logically believes you are committed to him, his subconscious is screaming to watch out.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

The fact that he watches more porn the more I do is what's unsettling. Initially our marriage became sexless when he cheated on me years ago. I lost all my drive for quite some time. We had a very active and fun sex life up to that point.

As far as attracting a better man? Never going to happen.

Based on our marital history I have more to worry about than he ever has or will. 

I'm losing the weight after years of not being able to. I don't expect him to turn to porn more when I'm working so hard to look good for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

RavenWolf said:


> The fact that he watches more porn the more I do is what's unsettling. Initially our marriage became sexless when he cheated on me years ago. I lost all my drive for quite some time. We had a very active and fun sex life up to that point.
> 
> As far as attracting a better man? Never going to happen.
> 
> ...


Have you talked to him and told him how him watching porn makes you feel? Maybe you can find some kind of a compromise. Have you ever watched porn with him. Does he masturbate to the porn? Maybe turn the tables make him the sumissive one and tell him he is not allowed to watch it without your permission? 

Trying to think of things that might help


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

What does he say when you tell him how his watching porn makes you feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

RavenWolf said:


> Here I am getting him off almost every night, sometimes twice or more, and I find watching more porn.
> 
> He tells me how happy and proud he is that I am losing weight, enjoying sex, and how great I look now that I'm losing weight. But now he watches more porn???


He probably got into that habit to feed his desires when you were off sex. Now you are back on form, it is a hard habit to break. Telling him your fantasies may well be a huge turn on for him, so it could be win/win.

The main issue you have in your marriage is that you are both harboring resentment, and it has been smoldering for many years. You have to forgive each other. Heaps of love is required. Especially when both of you are going to witness the other do annoying or hurtful things many, many times.

If you want to tread this path, you must be prepared to keep loving and forgiving no matter what is put in your way. That does not mean being a mug. It's about breaking the cycle of tit for tat that happens in so many relationships.

A lot of things that go wrong in relationships are nobody's fault. It's simply due to ignorance. We are all ignorant. It's the human condition. Learning can be fun sometimes


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

RavenWolf said:


> The fact that he watches more porn the more I do is what's unsettling. Initially our marriage became sexless when he cheated on me years ago. I lost all my drive for quite some time. We had a very active and fun sex life up to that point.


Regardless of the reasons that your marriage was sexless, it will probably be a 2 steps forward, 1 step back recovery. The resentment you each have will be part of it. The crutches you each have will be part. It can be resolved. But it will take time.



> As far as attracting a better man? Never going to happen.
> 
> Based on our marital history I have more to worry about than he ever has or will.


Understood. But I'm not talking about your rational decisions, or your husbands logical conclusions. I'm talking about your limbic system's fight or flight reflex. When you watch a scary movie, your heart races because of your limbic system. Your limbic system doesn't say, "Hey, that monster is simply a 2-dimensional representation of an actor in a monster suit pretending to eat another actor." It says, "Watch out, I might be next!"

So, when you're losing weight and gearing up for sex, that could mean that you're ready to put the past behind you, address your medical issues, and have a great future with him, or it might mean that you're gearing up to dump his sorry butt. His limbic system can't really tell the difference.



> I'm losing the weight after years of not being able to. I don't expect him to turn to porn more when I'm working so hard to look good for him.


That part you just have to communicate to him. If you're getting as into sex as you claim, then he shouldn't have much time for porn, anyway. Hell, offer to make your own porn that he can watch on your off days. He gets to watch porn, and you get to know that he's lusting after you. Win/win.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I truly truly wish I had the answer to your problem. I'm in a very similar situation to your husband. Sexless for years, now things are coming back, she's lost a bunch of weight, I'm trying to not watch porn but it's like an addiction and I keep turning it back on. Usually when I'm stressed or bored. It's like a crutch that I just can't give up. And I think my wife thinks like you do, and I can't blame her.

Anyway, if your husband is anything like me then he probably really wants to stop.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> Regardless of the reasons that your marriage was sexless, it will probably be a 2 steps forward, 1 step back recovery. The resentment you each have will be part of it. The crutches you each have will be part. It can be resolved. But it will take time.
> 
> 
> Understood. But I'm not talking about your rational decisions, or your husbands logical conclusions. I'm talking about your limbic system's fight or flight reflex. When you watch a scary movie, your heart races because of your limbic system. Your limbic system doesn't say, "Hey, that monster is simply a 2-dimensional representation of an actor in a monster suit pretending to eat another actor." It says, "Watch out, I might be next!"
> ...


Great advice and very well spoken!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

RavenWolf said:


> The fact that he watches more porn the more I do is what's unsettling. Initially our marriage became sexless when he cheated on me years ago. I lost all my drive for quite some time. We had a very active and fun sex life up to that point.
> 
> As far as attracting a better man? Never going to happen.
> 
> ...


One thing to keep in mind is that you have made this change for less than 3 months, while your previous "sexless" marriage occurred for years. It will take time to redirect his attention and your marriage.

How did you deal with his infidelity? What steps did he take? Did you do counseling? You noted that you lost attraction for him after that - did it ever come back, or has it been gone since then? When did this occur? How was sex before then?


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> One thing to keep in mind is that you have made this change for less than 3 months, while your previous "sexless" marriage occurred for years. It will take time to redirect his attention and your marriage.
> 
> How did you deal with his infidelity? What steps did he take? Did you do counseling? You noted that you lost attraction for him after that - did it ever come back, or has it been gone since then? When did this occur? How was sex before then?


Sex was frequent and I have always been up for new things. He cheated on me over 9 years ago and we did lots of counseling. When I hot to the point of being comfortable enough for sex again, he would start contacting another woman again. That would kill my esteem and drive all over again.

Now I am losing weight and feeling high drive. He started telling me often how great I'm looking, how lucky he is, what a great wife I am, and how amazing our sex has been. Its similar to how he acted right before cheating. Then I find he's spending more and more time on porn the more I give. 

Now I think I will just keep my fantasies my secret. I worry sharing that with him will open the door even wider for him to look else where.

He actually told me the other day his dream used to be a porn star. That got me curious and I checked.his phone and found all his downloads.

How can I compete? Oh and I have always been attracted to him. It was the thought of where his mouth and penis had been that disgusted me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

RavenWolf said:


> Now I am losing weight and feeling high drive. He started telling me often how great I'm looking, how lucky he is, what a great wife I am, and how amazing our sex has been. *Its similar to how he acted right before cheating. *Then I find he's spending more and more time on porn the more I give. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. The bold portion above is a big issue. Get to counseling to get to the bottom of this. It is almost like he is pushing you away with this behavior.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your husband can stick around during your prolonged sex drought, you can have a little patience with him if you aren't getting exactly what you want. He was getting basically nothing for years.


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