# Is it time to get divorced???



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I've been with my wife for 15 years now and married for 12. We are both 40 years old and have one son who is 8 years old. Before our son was born our relationship was great. We had an awesome sex life and we went out and did things that couples would do.

Fast forward a few years and now that we've had our son my wife is pretty much ONLY a mother now and NOT a wife. We haven't gone out on a date in 2 years now. Sex hardly ever happens as I'm turned down most of the time. She used to give great oral sex and now I have to beg for it and I'm lucky if I get it 2-3 times a year with a max of 2 minutes before she's done.

She never wants to do anything and we've become mostly just roommates. I have an extremely high sex drive and I'm also in great shape. I have a great job (as does she) and we make a lot of money. We had major financial troubles a few years back but that's behind us and money is no longer an issue or stressor. I've been vocal about how I feel and how important sex is to me and she just doesn't seem to care. Things "sometimes" will get better for a week at the most but then go back to this rut. She's unwilling to go on a vacation or even a date for that matter. She never wants to look nice and when I ask her to wear makeup she gets all pissed off saying I'm trying to change her. Before we were married she wore makeup for me all the time and it was never an issue but now she won't.

Fast forward to the past 2 years and our relationship just keeps getting worse. I resent being around her and not even sure if I even love her anymore. We don't have any connections and she's unwilling to care about what's important to me. (not just sex) She always complains that she doesn't feel good every single day for the past 5 years. Now, she is sick with possible Lyme Disease so we haven't had sex in over a month. I understand how she feels and I'm sympathetic to it but I'm just so miserable in this relationship and this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I know I'm coming off as VERY selfish and I expect criticism about that but if I'm unhappy with my relationship and I've done everything I can to change things why should I not be selfish any longer? She's unwilling to go to councelling of any sort. Last year I actually went by myself and every bit of advice they gave me to try I did and they all failed. She just gave me a batch of **** saying is this what your crazy dr. told you to do. It just seems like a vicious cycle that will never improve esp. now with the potential Lyme Disease. I hate to leave her if she's really sick like this but I also can't get sucked into the misery that I'm stuck in much longer with no end in site.

Any advice???


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Advice?

Yeah. Get your wife treated for her depressive illness?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Advice?
> 
> Yeah. Get your wife treated for her depressive illness?


Good advice. And if that doesn't work, then divorce her.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Advice?
> 
> Yeah. Get your wife treated for her depressive illness?


They started treating the Lyme Disease so that's been a roller coaster but also put her on Zoloft for her anxiety. My fear is that the Zoloft will destroy her sex drive even further.

she's one to complain about everything and see everything in a negative light. She's complained about a headache for years but won't go to the doctor about it. When we were in the E.R. last week because of a panic attack from complications of the Lyme we met with a Neurologist who said she needed to figure out what the headaches were from so he scheduled an MRI and CT scan to see if something shows up.

I just know I can't continue living like this and it seems divorce is my best option while I'm still young enough to enjoy my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When2Leave said:


> They started treating the Lyme Disease so that's been a roller coaster but also put her on Zoloft for her anxiety. My fear is that the Zoloft will destroy her sex drive even further.
> 
> she's one to complain about everything and see everything in a negative light. She's complained about a headache for years but won't go to the doctor about it. When we were in the E.R. last week because of a panic attack from complications of the Lyme we met with a Neurologist who said she needed to figure out what the headaches were from so he scheduled an MRI and CT scan to see if something shows up.
> 
> I just know I can't continue living like this and it seems divorce is my best option while I'm still young enough to enjoy my life.


Lymes Disease? 

Bloody hell, mate! You are lucky she didn't die! 

_*And you are worried about your bloody sex life*_?

What happened to you that you lost the use of your hands? 

Thinking further about it, I wonder if divorce might be the best option *for your wife?*


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll tell you upfront that I'm a woman. 

A few questions:

Are you sure your sex life was also good for her prior to child? I hear you talk her giving you oral but nothing about what you did for her.

Did she have any trauma during childbirth that might cause her discomfort? 

What part do you have in the raising of your son and keeping of the house? Since you both work this should be balanced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I'm honestly one of the most hands-on fathers out there. My wife leaves for work before I do in the morning so I get our son up, fed breakfast, lunch made, homework done, and on the bus every single morning. I have a unique work schedule so I do most of the cleaning, laundry etc in the house so it's not that. She's a teacher so she has Summer's off so if it was stress then the summer would be different.

When it comes to sex I will do anything and everything she wants. When we do have sex it is amazing and I try to make it as enjoyable as possible for her. I do tons of research on making a woman happy and apply it. I know what she likes and what she doesn't like. 

As for trauma we had financial issues 5 years ago when I started my business and lost my full time job. It is possible there is uncertainty there but we currently make over $300k per year so any resentment or uncertainty should be gone by now.

I truly feel she can't flip between a wife and mother so she is only a mother


As for the Lyme issue it isn't confirmed she has it and the last 2 months I haven't said anything about set to add stress to her. The timing sucks but I need to determine what is left for this relationahip


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When2Leave said:


> I'm honestly one of the most hands-on fathers out there. My wife leaves for work before I do in the morning so I get our son up, fed breakfast, lunch made, homework done, and on the bus every single morning. I have a unique work schedule so I do most of the cleaning, laundry etc in the house so it's not that. She's a teacher so she has Summer's off so if it was stress then the summer would be different.
> 
> When it comes to sex I will do anything and everything she wants. When we do have sex it is amazing and I try to make it as enjoyable as possible for her. I do tons of research on making a woman happy and apply it. I know what she likes and what she doesn't like.
> 
> ...


But she has some condition with symptoms of Lymes Disease, right?


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But she has some condition with symptoms of Lymes Disease, right?


I wouldn't do it now but when she is better. I'm not an loser and this has nothing to do with the Lyme Disease.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds like depression to me.

I wouldn't worry about the Xoloft diminishing her sex drive- you already said her sex drive is null.

Lyme Disease confirmation and treatment is priority one right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When2Leave said:


> I wouldn't do it now but when she is better. I'm not an loser and this has nothing to do with the Lyme Disease.


And the severe headaches.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Bloody hell, mate! You are lucky she didn't die!


Come on Matt quit with the hyperbole deaths by Lymes Disease are extremely rare in the western world. It can be a debilitating disease though, but there are all different levels of it.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> But she has some condition with symptoms of Lymes Disease, right?





sokillme said:


> Come on Matt quit with the hyperbole deaths by Lymes Disease are extremely rare in the western world. It can be a debilitating disease though, but there are all different levels of it.


We also haven't gotten a diagnoses of Lyme but it is a possibility. They started treating her with antibiotics and like I said I haven't brought anything up while all this is going on. Just working on getting her better.

That said, as she improves I just don't know if I can continue. It's very possible it is a depression that she's been hiding. She sometimes doesn't have the best communication skills. I think I have the answers I've been looking for. 

it will take at least a month for the Zoloft to start working and another 2 weeks of anti-biotics. I will wait things out until the fall and see if/how things change. Hopefully, the issue has been depression and the Zoloft will help and that we will be able to communicate better.

It def. makes sense though thinking about it now about depression. Whenever I would bring it up that I was upset she would jump down my throat about it. I would tell her I'm not starting a fight and not pointing fingers I just wanted a resolution before it got to the point of no return.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Come on Matt quit with the hyperbole deaths by Lymes Disease are extremely rare in the western world. It can be a debilitating disease though, but there are all different levels of it.


Hyperbole? Hardly.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I get that you are frustrated and obviously unhappy. You've had multiple talks but it doesn't seem to be working.
I think you might need to cut her a bit of a break until her Zoloft kicks in and she gets passed this health crisis. 
She does sound like she has depression and that puts a whole other swing in things.
I'm glad you are waiting a few months before doing anything drastic. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Maybe it has nothing to do with Lyme disease or depression, maybe she just doesn't like you very much. You have been married/together for 15 years, that's plenty of time for someone to get tired of the other. It doesn't natter how great of a father you are, or how hard you try to make her happy, if she doesn't feel love and an emotional connection to you no one is going to be happy.
Sex everyday wont fix it, counseling wont fix it, drugs wont fix it, and you can't fix it. 

She may respect you, she may need you financially and as a father, she may be use to being married to you and is stuck in that comfort zone, yet that doesn't mean she still loves you. Heck she may be afraid to admit it to herself or say it out loud, I was in that position for years. 

I'm not saying for sure that's what's happening, I'm just pointing out an obvious answer that many refuse to consider. Maybe the relationship has just reached the end of it's life span.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think it'd be a good idea to wait until the Zoloft kicks in, but even then don't just leave. Does she know how you're feeling? REALLY feeling? Does she know that you're seriously considering divorce?? Have you actually said to her "I can't go on like this, I'm miserable, if something doesn't change I want a divorce"?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are not selfish. Get that out of your head.

People yearn for fulfillment in life, and a key source of fulfillment is the marriage and family.

As a man, you got married for certain reasons. As a woman, your wife got married for other certain reasons.

Here is an example that does not apply to all men and all women, but does apply to many scenarios that you describe. The man gets married for companionship, affection, sexual fulfillment. The woman gets married for the social construct of marriage.

Think about that. Your wife is not a bad person, but what she wants from marriage is very different than what you want from marriage.

For a marriage to function, you have to give her what she wants and she has to give you what you want.

Now people throw out advice like "GET HER treated for depression".... You don't "get her" to do anything. Depression and mystery illnesses for 5 years can be a sign that she is not fulfilled in her marriage. She is not getting from you what she needs.

That's an angle you have to explore.

The other angle to explore is making her understand what marriage is to you, and that you plan to have a "Marriage" in your life, and allow her to start contemplating if she will be there person that shares marriage with you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Come on Matt quit with the hyperbole deaths by Lymes Disease are extremely rare in the western world. It can be a debilitating disease though, but there are all different levels of it.


I had a friend die from it about 2yrs ago. Not as rare as you think...

OP, have you thought about separating and seeing if you could kinda reset things to pre-child status? Usually separations are death knells to a marriage. But I'd leave and try to shake things up before I divorced. It's odd to me that things were great before your son, and now they suck. I hear about that happening, but haven't seen it myself.
Sorry for your pain...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

When2Leave said:


> Things "sometimes" will get better for a week at the most but then go back to this rut. She's unwilling to go on a vacation or even a date for that matter. She never wants to look nice and when I ask her to wear makeup she gets all pissed off saying I'm trying to change her. Before we were married she wore makeup for me all the time and it was never an issue but now she won't.
> 
> Fast forward to the past 2 years and our relationship just keeps getting worse. I resent being around her and not even sure if I even love her anymore. We don't have any connections and she's unwilling to care about what's important to me.
> 
> Any advice???


You can hardly wait to dump her and she feels it. She can feel the resentment. She hears the criticism and can feel the rejection. It isn't a turn on.

How did you treat her when you were trying to win her? She was motivated to please you back then because she felt appreciated, loved, and cherished.

To me, you sound like a man with "grass is greener" syndrome who imagines the grass is greener out there with someone else who is infatuated with your awesomeness (do you have someone in mind already?)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm thinking he's saying that she hasn't watered it, weeded it, fertilized it, or anything else. If she won't go in a vacation or date with him, how can they work on the marriage. Sounds like she hates him, or at the least, wants nothing to do with him. If there was any indication she loved him, I'd say work on it. She doesn't seem to be willing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Does he arrange for childcare? Like it or not, having a young child does complicate logistics for things like that. If the burden of finding childcare falls upon her, I can see how "dating" and "vacations" could get crossed off the list as too much of a chore.

Working a high paying (presumably stressful) job, dealing with a 5 year long chronic illness, and dealing with an H who doesn't want her well... it's not surprising that she would be depressed.

I'm gonna second MattMatt and say that she will be better off without him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I had a friend die from it about 2yrs ago. Not as rare as you think...
> 
> OP, have you thought about separating and seeing if you could kinda reset things to pre-child status? Usually separations are death knells to a marriage. But I'd leave and try to shake things up before I divorced. It's odd to me that things were great before your son, and now they suck. I hear about that happening, but haven't seen it myself.
> Sorry for your pain...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your experience not withstanding It's pretty rare. It's about the same as dying from being hit by lightning.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Advice?
> 
> Yeah. Get your wife treated for her depressive illness?


Where did he say she's depressed?

Are you assuming that based on a paragraph or two, and do you even have a license to diagnose mental illness?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whirlpool said:


> Where did he say she's depressed?
> 
> Are you assuming that based on a paragraph or two, and do you even have a license to diagnose mental illness?


As it happens I *do* have counselling qualifications. (But that's not at issue, here.)

There was one *very* major clue that When2Leave gave in his first post that his wife was suffering from some form of depressive illness that was not, at that point, being treated.

Perhaps you could re-read his post and identify the fairly obvious clue for yourself?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Three common symptoms of Lyme Disease are fatigue, joint pain, and nausea. If she has Lyme, it's no surprise she isn't into sex. It's hard to be turned on when you are exhausted, in pain, and feel like you may puke. And she has a job and a child on top of that?

So, yeah, I think her lack of sex drive could very well be Lyme related if that diagnosis is confirmed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This one is a tough call. 

Speaking from my own experience only...when I lost my drive/desire back when I was married, it was due to the way that I was being treated by my then H. Sex was pretty much NO FUN, first of all. He started letting himself go, hygiene-wise. Wore dirty work clothes to bed. Drank too much too often. He had anger issues. He ignored me, basically I was a roommate he existed with in the house. Never gave me any affection whatsoever, until of course, he decided it was time for sex, then would get pissed at me because I never wanted to. I decided I was never having sex with him again.

I am telling you this so that you can take an honest look at how you interact with her and how you treat her on a day to day basis. It sounds like you have been making a real effort but have you really been trying to meet her needs, or going about things as a means to an end? (as in, sex for you as your reward...) 

Your wife sounds to me like she is either depressed, or she is no longer attracted to/in love with you. Are you sure that she isn't having an affair? (Don't say she doesn't have time, cheaters make time to cheat, don't fool yourself) You may need to hand her divorce papers to give her a hard dose of reality, sometimes that is the only thing that gets through. You will know for sure where she stands if you do that...either she will panic and go into rescue mode, or she will be agreeable and glad that its ending. Either way, you have your answer.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> As it happens I *do* have counselling qualifications. (But that's not at issue, here.)
> 
> There was one *very* major clue that When2Leave gave in his first post that his wife was suffering from some form of depressive illness that was not, at that point, being treated.
> 
> Perhaps you could re-read his post and identify the fairly obvious clue for yourself?


She used to give great blow jobs and now it's 2 minutes tops whether he comes or not?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whirlpool said:


> She used to give great blow jobs and now it's 2 minutes tops whether he comes or not?


So, you *aren't* capable of sensible, serious comments? That's a pity.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Whirlpool said:


> She used to give great blow jobs and now it's 2 minutes tops whether he comes or not?


If she does have Lyme, her joints are effected and can become very painful. Imagine blowing someone for more than 2 minute with your jaw on fire.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

OK, sorry I haven't been on here today until now so let me clarify.

The "POSSIBLE" Lyme issue is NEW. Just started a few weeks ago. That said, we haven't had sex since this has been going on and I haven't even tried. I haven't given her a hard time about this. The MAJOR issue is NOT LYME it's how things have been the past 5 years.

Is it possible she no longer loves me? Sure, it's very possible. However, whenever I'm not around she always wants me home or with her. She tells me she loves me fairly often and we do go camping every weekend and it's always family time when we go.

Is it possible she's cheating? Honestly, I'm 99.999% positive it's not that. She's open and honest and very faithful. It's truly the last thing I would ever suspect. My brother recently left his wife for a younger girlfriend and my wife can't even talk to him because she hates what he did so much. She really doesn't have the time to be honest but again, anything is possible.

Is she Depressed??? This is a tough one because she has never been diagnosed with it and only started taking the Zoloft because she had a panic attack last week over the potential of the Lyme diagnosis. However, when I talked to her about it today she said she only took it for 2 days and then stopped.

Have I let myself go? No, I haven't. I own my own fitness gym so being an example is a priority. I workout all the time and shower 2 times per day blah blah blah. Def not the issue.

She knows I've been thinking about leaving her. It bothers her from what I can see and things will be great for a week or two but then it seems we fall right back into the same rut. We really don't have any help with regards to getting someone to take our son so that's a big issue with dating. We try to go away for a night but it's nearly impossible to get someone to watch our son so it becomes stressful.

She's been very apologetic these past several weeks because she knows I'm upset because we haven't had sex or any part of a relationship what-so-ever. I let her know that I understand what she's going thru and I truly care. 

I'm anything but a pushover but I am very caring. I take the guy role in the relationship and I'm not insecure or anything like that.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If she does have Lyme, her joints are effected and can become very painful. Imagine blowing someone for more than 2 minute with your jaw on fire.


We don't even know if she has Lyme or not. She's come up negative on all tests but they started her on Antibiotics in case that's what it is. Since she started feeling weak I haven't asked or received any oral sex. 

She was never super keen on oral but she used to do it more frequently. I think as she got more and more comfortable she just didn't care as much.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Imagine blowing someone for more than 2 minute with your jaw on fire.


No thanks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, it sounds like your approach has been cold and detached, rather than warm and nurturing. You say that you tried techniques suggested to you by your counselor but it sounds like you approached it like a homework project rather than trying to make an actual connection with your wife. Do you even have any idea what her needs are? You said in a previous post that you are not sure that you even love her...well, she can feel that, she knows. Why would she want to be close and intimate with a man who may not love her? That on top of feeling crappy for five years? Your wife is a PERSON with feelings and needs, not a project that you work on and try to fix. 

Dont get me wrong, I am not placing all blame on you for things being the way they are. She realizes things are bad but doesnt seem to be making a real effort to work together with you to make it better. If she no longer desires you, she needs to acknowledge her own feelings and let you go, its only fair. You say she wont do counseling, but could you get her to read some books? I think you could both benefit from reading His Needs, Her Needs, and The 5 Love Languages. Both books focus on learning what makes your partner feel loved and how to implement meeting that for them. What makes you feel loved very likely is not the same thing as it is for her. You should both do the questionnaires in the books. 

It is important for you two to have time with each other away from your son...try looking for a sitter on Care.com if you dont have family or friends nearby, or try swapping nights out with the parents of a friend of your son's. All parents need that time, so I am sure there are those that would be more than happy to make this arrangement with you guys.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

When2Leave said:


> She's a teacher so she has Summer's off so if it was stress then the summer would be different.



Maybe not. This is quite common with teachers. 

I know MANY teachers. 

She needs help for depression. The problem in many cases is the depressed person resists going to the doctor. 

What does she say about her job? Does she enjoy it? Or does she hate going to work?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't see too much wrong with treating a marriage a bit like a homework project, as long as your goals are clear. This is what I did when things became pretty rocky between DH and I. After a long time of feeling like I was beating my head against a wall, I decided I just didn't have the necessary knowledge to make the changes needed in our relationship in order for us to feel close to each other again. It seemed easy at the start but after kids and various stresses (like work and extended family etc), I could no longer wing it. I've winged a lot of stuff in my life, right up to the point where I realise I don't have the necessary skills and then I get down to business. So I studied relationships. One thing I immediately discounted was going to relationship counsellors because I like to figure this stuff out for myself. Don't tell me what to do, tell me where to find the information I need.

So I came to a marriage forum and people told me, 'do this' and 'do that', and some told me to go read a book and figure it out. So I went and read the books, and I searched for more books and I started to find the answers I needed.

A couple of the books that helped me the most are in my signature.

Edited to add: Some of the most helpful parts of reading these books was that while I was lying in bed reading, something would really strike a cord with me and I'd immediately turn to DH and read it to him and we'd have a discussion. These discussions weren't born out of some fresh aggravation or rehashing some deep resentment, so they were more like us having a team meeting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whirlpool said:


> Sure she has, see Matts post on page 1.


 @Whirlpool My comment was based on what OP originally told us.

If you have a problem with what he said take it up with him and please quit with the threadjacks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok this is getting bad. We have Dr. Internet concluding that the reason she stopped giving BJ's is becuase Lyme Disease is making her jaw hurt. I'd bet a billion dollars that this is not the reason she stopped giving BJ's.

This is a plain-jane case of the wife starts out in Girlfriend mode, has a baby and goes into Mommy mode. 

The possible depression and all these mystery things are caused by her internal struggle between trying to be a good mother and other things in life. Depression is usually CAUSED by something such as stress.

The husband's job is to ease her internal struggle. How is this done?
-- Making her feel good about her life, herself, her abilities, her mothering
-- Making her see that all of the "good" comes from putting her marriage as the top of the heap priority in life (he must be living this and setting the example)


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Hicks said:


> Ok this is getting bad. We have Dr. Internet concluding that the reason she stopped giving BJ's is becuase Lyme Disease is making her jaw hurt. I'd bet a billion dollars that this is not the reason she stopped giving BJ's.
> 
> This is a plain-jane case of the wife starts out in Girlfriend mode, has a baby and goes into Mommy mode.
> 
> ...



EXACTLY!!! The BJ thing has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE LYME...

I truly believe the issue is that she became a mom and that's the role she took and being a wife/girlfriend took a back seat. I'm going to take a completely different approach and see how it works.

I will comfort her more and not complain about what I'm not getting in this relationship and talk about what I am getting. She is absolutely beautiful and I'm beyond attracted to her. She's super smart and does care about people.

I don't want to end in divorce I just want my old wife back. When I suggest doing things we/she used to do she says that I'm trying to change her which isn't true. I explained that all the things she did before marriage and before our son is what "sold" me on her and now that she doesn't do any of it I feel cheated in a way. She knows how important sex is to me but for whatever reason doesn't really care. She will say this is who I am and I try my best but we both know this isn't her best.


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## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

Kids are KILLING sex lives of men. You had it hard. Everyone is different, but I would get the He11 out ASAP. 

Most women know that their men are "too nice" to leave over this, so they will simply keep it up as before. Then when the kid is grown, it is "menopause" and who knows what else to follow? This is not going to get better, IMHO.


Finally, what kind of joints would hurt to much to give a BJ with Lyme?!?! F^^* if my wife tried that one, I would look for a hotel to move my toiletry and start from there. Yes, your assessment of her having sold you a different set of goods seems correct. 

Get something else going. You deserve better. This is NOT your fault.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Blonde said:


> I'm gonna second MattMatt and say that she will be better off without him.


Don't you think that's a bit quick to make that conclusion?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> Don't you think that's a bit quick to make that conclusion?


Actually, I think the family is salvageable.

Please note I say family, *not* marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> EXACTLY!!! The BJ thing has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE LYME...
> 
> I truly believe the issue is that she became a mom and that's the role she took and being a wife/girlfriend took a back seat. I'm going to take a completely different approach and see how it works.
> 
> ...


If she is not being a girlfriend maybe you have to remind her she still is your girlfriend. How did you treat her when she was your girlfriend. How about rolling out some of those things again. Woo her again. Get someone to watch the kids. Have recurring date nights. 

However I also think she needs to know that this is a primary need of yours and it is not going to go away. This is one of your requirements to feel loved. You should be nice about it but you need to let it out there.


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## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> We don't even know if she has Lyme or not. She's come up negative on all tests but they started her on Antibiotics in case that's what it is. Since she started feeling weak I haven't asked or received any oral sex.
> 
> She was never super keen on oral but she used to do it more frequently. I think as she got more and more comfortable she just didn't care as much.


 HOLD ON NOW!!!!!

She is negative on EVERY TEST!!?? Even the basic Lyme titer? Then she doesn't have Lyme!!! Who the H11 is telling her otherwise??

Cold she have been bitten by a tick and not develop antibodies yet? Yes, if she is recently bitten, but THEN she would not have systemic joint pains either..

Antibiotics doesn't mean anything. Almost sounds like they have no clue what is going on as far as I am concerned, based on what I am hearing. 

How about printing this out and giving to her?? I am not giving out medical advice, just wondering how they even thought she had Lyme. 

At the end of the day if she is "diagnosed" with "Fibromyalgia" it is time to move on. No tests can detect it, no labs are abnormal and the "trigger points" are everywhere..

Never keen on oral is a no no to me. I wouldn't even have sex with her then. WTF?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, I think the family is salvageable.
> 
> Please note I say family, *not* marriage.


And yet when there is infidelity you are much more adamant about saving the marriage. Guy wants more sex from his wife, "she would be better off without him." 
:scratchhead:


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

sokillme said:


> And yet when there is infidelity you are much more adamant about saving the marriage. Guy wants more sex from his wife, "she would be better off without him."
> :scratchhead:


It's funny because I was just talking with her about 10 minutes ago about everything. I explained to her that everything I complain about in our relationship revolves around being with HER MORE. It isn't that I want to leave her and find someone else I just want HER to be my gf/wife again.

she said that she understood and she does tend to get very defensive about things. it can get so bad that we often need to communicate via text because she always puts a spin on things.

It is kind of crazy that I want more sex with her and this guy thinks I'm an *******. Doesn't make any sense. There isn't any cheating going on with either of us and to fix things we just need to go back to having a relationship. Seems pretty simple to me if she's willing to put the effort in. If not then I need to leave.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

DrSher said:


> HOLD ON NOW!!!!!
> 
> She is negative on EVERY TEST!!?? Even the basic Lyme titer? Then she doesn't have Lyme!!! Who the H11 is telling her otherwise??
> 
> ...


The regular Lyme tests they did all came back negative which is almost ALWAYS the case. One of the tests they did had one thing on it that came back positive but the CDC says you need to have a min. of 5 different triggers in order to be classified as Lyme positive.

That said, the one trigger she DID have can ONLY be triggered by a positive Lyme result. She started on the Anti-biotics last week and it did trigger a detox for about 2 days where she felt like absolute crud and couldn't do anything at all. Now, 4 days later she feels good. It's the best she's felt in 2 months. She's still taking things easy but is starting to feel human again.

We've consulted with several doctors including the infectious disease doctors and they all confirmed she has EVERY symptom for Lyme Disease. Many people take 2+ years before testing positive and left untreated which causes MAJOR health issues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When2Leave said:


> It's funny because I was just talking with her about 10 minutes ago about everything. I explained to her that everything I complain about in our relationship revolves around being with HER MORE. It isn't that I want to leave her and find someone else I just want HER to be my gf/wife again.
> 
> she said that she understood and she does tend to get very defensive about things. it can get so bad that we often need to communicate via text because she always puts a spin on things.
> 
> It is kind of crazy that I want more sex with her and this guy thinks I'm an *******. Doesn't make any sense. There isn't any cheating going on with either of us and to fix things we just need to go back to having a relationship. Seems pretty simple to me if she's willing to put the effort in. If not then I need to leave.


Hang on. I made my original comment about divorce as a way of pointing out to you that maybe there where other things you could do to help get your marriage back on track.

However my original point has been amplified by the shouting voices of some tin throated individuals who would rather make a lot of NOISE and who really couldn't give a **** about you, your wife, your kid or your marriage.

I have something they do not have. I have some idea of what you are going through.

My wife has had horrible, painful health issues that mean sex sometimes does not happen as often as I would like it.

She has had useless doctors. Actually we are lucky. One of her doctors was struck off for killing another patient in the doctor's practice, so maybe we got off lightly?

I am sorry if my original remark upset you.

But remember I have been where you are. And I hope that I have your best interests at heart. 

That's more than can be said for some people who remind me of those interesting people who, when they see someone standing on the roof of a building shout: "jump!" just for a bit of a lark.

Me? To you I will just say "Mate, just step away from the edge and use the stairs." 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> It's funny because I was just talking with her about 10 minutes ago about everything. I explained to her that everything I complain about in our relationship revolves around being with HER MORE. It isn't that I want to leave her and find someone else I just want HER to be my gf/wife again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Good...talking is where you start. You might find now that she is starting to feel human again she might try to do better. I know you said it's been a problem for years now but having a serious illness is a game changer. Stuff gets put into perspective. I'm glad you have talked...communication is central to any kind of marriage improvement and maintaining it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have a perspective problem in your marriage.

Your perspective: I need a sexual connection to feel loved, happy and fulfilled.

Her perspective is that she does not need sexual connection to feel loved , happy and fulfilled. But she does need something. Sex is to you that ???? is to your wife. It's imperative that you know what those question marks are.

Her perspective on sex is that you just need to get off using her body. If every man she ever met wanted to have sex with her, then a man who desires her sexually is very common. But perhaps not too many ever wiped down the bathroom sink or closed cabinet doors or bought her birthday presents. A great book is the 5 Love Languages.

Her perspective is that sexuality is about "who she is" while your perspective is that it's "what she does".

That's why it's important that you know your perspective, you teach her your perspective, and you learn her perspective.

By knowing your side of the equation, you can have better conversations with her. Let me give you a fictional conversation:

Wife: All you care about is SEX SEX SEX. I am not your sex toy!
You: Wife, I get where you are coming from and I'm sure sometimes it feels that way, and I'm sorry making you feel that way. But as a male, sex is probably the most important part of marriage to me. It's how I feel loved and fulfilled. It's about connecting with my wife at the deepest possible emotional level. It's important to me just like ???? is important to you. I prioritize doing ???? for you because in my wife of thinking that's how a marriage needs to operate, with both of us prioritizing the needs of the other.

One of the things I repeat to myself often in thinking about my marriage is "If it's important to you, its important to me". Demonstrating this on a daily basis (not saying it, but acting it) for any seemingly small thing goes a long way. It defines how you operate but also how the marriage needs to operate.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Your situation is extremely common. 

I have lived a variation of what you are going through so I have sympathy, but I'm going to press you a little and suggest a different approach.

Here is what I'm getting from the info you provided so far:

--You complained to your wife regarding lack of sex/effort on her part. She did not like your complaints. You probably thought of this as identifying the problem, but it was probably just received by her as complaints/criticisms.

--You took it upon yourself to address the issues that were underlying the problem. But again, this was probably viewed by your wife as YOUR problem. And everything you did to "solve it" was probably viewed through this lens. None of it worked, obviously, probably because everything was viewed by your wife as being heavy with expectation that it would result in her doing what you want.

--At this point you are, understandably, quite resentful. You believe you are the only one trying. But she probably thinks you're only trying to get her to do what you want. That you don't respect her autonomy.

--Because of your resentment, you have pulled back. You are generally much colder to her. She feels this from you. To her, it feels like you are doing this on purpose to her. Just like, to you, it feels like she is withholding something on purpose to you.

--What if, instead, you just backed off for a while on the "girlfriend" part of your relationship. Not in a resentful way, but in a way that says, I'm just going to let you be who you really want to be without any expectations. I'm not going to try to do a bunch of things to get you to act a certain way. I'm just going to let you be where you're at and see what that really is.

--In the process of "backing off," I'm going to be your friend. I'm not going to allow my resentment over the things that I wish you would do destroy all of the other ways I actually still like and respect you. I'm going to focus on the fact that, regardless of whether you ever go back to acting like my girlfriend, you're still the mother of my child and I want to get along with you and work together on the things we'll always share.

--Do this for a while and know that at any time you need the "girlfriend experience," you can get it, whether it's with her or another woman. You can't make her give it to you, but you can still get that if that what you really need to have happen. Allow her the opportunity to give it to you on her own and then if it becomes clear that she is not interested in that, evaluate (without resentment) whether you want to pursue that apart from her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> It's funny because I was just talking with her about 10 minutes ago about everything. I explained to her that everything I complain about in our relationship revolves around being with HER MORE. It isn't that I want to leave her and find someone else I just want HER to be my gf/wife again.
> 
> she said that she understood and she does tend to get very defensive about things. it can get so bad that we often need to communicate via text because she always puts a spin on things.
> 
> It is kind of crazy that I want more sex with her and this guy thinks I'm an *******. Doesn't make any sense. There isn't any cheating going on with either of us and to fix things we just need to go back to having a relationship. Seems pretty simple to me if she's willing to put the effort in. If not then I need to leave.


Don't worry Matt tends to be a White Knight. Especially to woman. He means well and sometimes gives good advice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Hang on. I made my original comment about divorce as a way of pointing out to you that maybe there where other things you could do to help get your marriage back on track.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait Matt you were being harsh to make a point? :surprise: Wow, you???


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hicks said:


> You have a perspective problem in your marriage.
> 
> Your perspective: I need a sexual connection to feel loved, happy and fulfilled.
> 
> ...


I wish this could locked on the top of this board. Great advice!


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Well, we are back to fighting again. I honestly can't deal with this and I'm sick of the back and forth. She is unwilling to make ANY compromises on anything and just keeps saying this is who I am and I try my best. She can't commit to anything other than how things have been and I'm beyond living like this. 

It looks like I'm getting a hotel for the night and I think I'm throwing in the towel. This is not what I signed up for and I see no end in sight. She's so thick-headed and has the worst communication skills known to man. I'm sick of being depressed and not enjoying this part of my life esp. while everything else is my life is awesome.

I will focus on my new cars I just bought and prob. just file for divorce and find myself a girlfriend that actually wants to be a girlfriend and actually wants to enjoy life and not watch TV all day long.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Whirlpool My comment was based on what OP originally told us.
> 
> If you have a problem with what he said take it up with him


 @MattMatt, you diagnosed the wife as having depression based on one or two paragraphs posted by the Op.

I don't have a problem with anything posted by the Op, I have a problem with untrained individuals making medical diagnoses on people they've never met based on one or two paragraphs written about them by a biased third party.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whirlpool said:


> @MattMatt, you diagnosed the wife as having depression based on one or two paragraphs posted by the Op.
> 
> I don't have a problem with anything posted by the Op, I have a problem with untrained individuals making medical diagnoses on people they've never met based on one or two paragraphs written about them by a biased third party.


 @Whirlpool But he confirmed that his wife *is* depressed.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Whirlpool But he confirmed that his wife *is* depressed.


 @MattMatt your posts are starting to baffle me.

Nowhere on this thread was it confirmed that his wife is depressed.

Do you make this stuff up as you go along?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> *And yet when there is infidelity you are much more adamant about saving the marriage.* Guy wants more sex from his wife, "she would be better off without him."
> :scratchhead:


*Maybe I'm just the exception to the rule, but when my first wife, as well as my second one, the infamous RSXW, both made the concerted and conscious effort to cheat in our marriages, and there was absolutely no way in hell that once their infidelity had become common knowledge to me, that I wanted no part in offering either of them any hope of reconciliation!

I want no part in sucking up to a "marital vow breaker" and do not care or desire to further touch any part of their cheating body nor their warped psyche!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

When2Leave said:


> Well, we are back to fighting again. I honestly can't deal with this and I'm sick of the back and forth. She is unwilling to make ANY compromises on anything and just keeps saying this is who I am and I try my best. She can't commit to anything other than how things have been and I'm beyond living like this.
> 
> It looks like I'm getting a hotel for the night and I think I'm throwing in the towel. This is not what I signed up for and I see no end in sight. She's so thick-headed and has the worst communication skills known to man. I'm sick of being depressed and not enjoying this part of my life esp. while everything else is my life is awesome.
> 
> I will focus on my new cars I just bought and prob. just file for divorce and find myself a girlfriend that actually wants to be a girlfriend and actually wants to enjoy life and not watch TV all day long.


hey dude, this totally sucks and, believe me, I get where you are coming from.

just consider that she is probably just telling you the truth and although it hurts to hear it that she doesn't really want you all that much, she is probably not trying to hurt you.

in a way, she is doing you a favor by being up front and honest instead of pretending there is some hoop you can jump through that would make her want you more.

I'm sure this is probably not what you want to hear right now, but just think about it.

this doesn't mean you have to accept a sexless marriage, but you can split on good terms and not blame her for a lack of desire which is probably in fact beyond her control.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

The OP comes off (conveniently?) as a super guy:

*Makes good money*
_- "we currently make over $300k per year" 
- "She's a teacher"
- "I will focus on my new cars I just bought" _

*Involved with the kid and household*
_- "I'm honestly one of the most hands-on fathers out there. My wife leaves for work before I do in the morning so I get our son up, fed breakfast, lunch made, homework done, and on the bus every single morning. I have a unique work schedule so I do most of the cleaning, laundry etc in the house so it's not that"_

*In shape, good hygiene*
_- " I own my own fitness gym so being an example is a priority. I workout all the time and shower 2 times per day blah blah blah."_

*An attentive, shall we say, talented lover*
_- "We had an awesome sex life"_
_- "When it comes to sex I will do anything and everything she wants"
- "When we do have sex it is amazing and I try to make it as enjoyable as possible for her"
- "I know what she likes and what she doesn't like"_
*
He even does the research* 
_- "I do tons of research on making a woman happy and apply it"_

*He's tried to get them into counselling*
_- "She's unwilling to go to councelling of any sort"_
*
He even went himself, to no avail*
_- "Last year I actually went by myself and every bit of advice they gave me to try I did and they all failed." _
*
He's made his needs clear*
_- " I've been vocal about how I feel and how important sex is to me and she just doesn't seem to care"
- "She knows how important sex is to me but for whatever reason doesn't really care."_

*He's tried date nights*
_- "She's unwilling to go on a vacation or even a date for that matter"_

*She doesn't seem willing to try*
_- "She never wants to look nice and when I ask her to wear makeup she gets all pissed off saying I'm trying to change her."
- "She will say this is who I am and I try my best but we both know this isn't her best."_

The Lyme's Desease certainly threw a curveball into the mix. :scratchhead:

So here we have the (near) perfect guy who just wants to have sex with his wife and he's being told he's selfish or given advice as to what he needs to try that he obviously hasn't tried yet.

If this is legit, he should just divorce the b!tch, Lymes Disease or no. If it's not legit or he's not all he claims to be........


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> The OP comes off (conveniently?) as a super guy:
> 
> *Makes good money*
> _- "we currently make over $300k per year"
> ...


Believe me I have my issues and I'm far from perfect. I've said some things I regret during all this and I could def. be more sympathetic towards her since she's been sick. It's hard to be sympathetic because she's been a chronic complainer. Every single day no matter what she complains that either her back hurts, she has a headache, or her foot hurts etc. She doesn't say this to get out of sex she just complains about it every single day. So, it's like the boy who cried wolf. If you're not really sick but complaining about it every single day then when you are sick nobody wants to listen.

I never know what's to believe with her as far as how she is feeling because it's always something. She's complained about headaches and migraines forever but when I tell her to go see a Dr. about it she refuses and then gets mad at me when I don't really console her when she has a headache.

Like I said, besides the way my marriage is everything else in my life is awesome. I hit rock bottom a few years ago and paid the price ten-fold. I walked away from the house that we built and moved my family so we could build my business. We had struggles that most families don't have. Now, things are great and we are seeing the benefits from our struggles.

Am I selfish??? Sure, in many ways I am. I bought a new car 3 months ago and when I told her I wanted a specific sports car she said no as she always does. Because I was sick of being told no all the time I just went out and bought a brand new sports car. She's clearly pissed off at me about that and I don't blame her. However, you can only tell someone NO so many times before they just stop hearing it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

How are things at the hotel OP?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When2Leave said:


> Believe me I have my issues and I'm far from perfect. I've said some things I regret during all this and I could def. be more sympathetic towards her since she's been sick. It's hard to be sympathetic because she's been a chronic complainer. Every single day no matter what she complains that either her back hurts, she has a headache, or her foot hurts etc. She doesn't say this to get out of sex she just complains about it every single day. So, it's like the boy who cried wolf. If you're not really sick but complaining about it every single day then when you are sick nobody wants to listen.
> 
> I never know what's to believe with her as far as how she is feeling because it's always something. She's complained about headaches and migraines forever but when I tell her to go see a Dr. about it she refuses and then gets mad at me when I don't really console her when she has a headache.
> 
> ...


Constant pain every day is a real thing, with a range of potential causes.

http://www.thehealthsite.com/diseases-conditions/why-you-shouldnt-ignore-constant-body-aches/

Malaise: Causes, Diagnosis and Treatments


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> Believe me I have my issues and I'm far from perfect. I've said some things I regret during all this and I could def. be more sympathetic towards her since she's been sick. It's hard to be sympathetic because she's been a chronic complainer. Every single day no matter what she complains that either her back hurts, she has a headache, or her foot hurts etc. She doesn't say this to get out of sex she just complains about it every single day. So, it's like the boy who cried wolf. If you're not really sick but complaining about it every single day then when you are sick nobody wants to listen.
> 
> I never know what's to believe with her as far as how she is feeling because it's always something. She's complained about headaches and migraines forever but when I tell her to go see a Dr. about it she refuses and then gets mad at me when I don't really console her when she has a headache.
> 
> ...


Honestly? It just sounds like you're both incredibly incompatible. It doesn't need to be anyone's fault, it is what it is.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Honestly? It just sounds like you're both incredibly incompatible. It doesn't need to be anyone's fault, it is what it is.


You could be spot on to be completely honest. We are polar opposites in almost every way and while that can be great it can also be bad.

I spoke to her about being a home body. She confirms that it's not that she doesn't want to go on dates but she just prefers to stay home and relax. I'm the opposite, I want to go out and live life and have fun. I want to go on dates, get away for a night or more, get dressed up, get a nice dinner and hotel etc etc etc.

She's cheap. Plain and simple she is very frugal and doesn't care what she owns. I'm the opposite. I just recently bought a brand new Range Rover and 2 months later bought an Alfa Romeo. I love sneakers so I buy 2 pairs on average per week. At the same time I buy her shoes like crazy and she never wears them.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE women that get dressed up, wear make-up and high heels etc. Not every day but once a month or so. My wife ALWAYS did this before and no longer will do it. She says I'm trying to change her which I just respond she always did until recently.

SEX: I want/need sex 3 times per week. She's happy with once a week or once every week and a half. That said, we haven't had sex in 3 1/2 weeks which is the longest we've ever gone.

Vacations: I want to take at least one vacation every year. I took the family to Disney this year and it was great. My wife NEVER wants to go on vacation EVER. It's always a struggle to get her to go.

Camping: This is the only thing we truly agree on. We have a seasonal site and just bought a new camper this spring and it's the thing we do as a family every weekend.

Working out: I LOVE training in both weight lifting and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. She almost never works out.

SEX: When we actually do have sex it can be absolutely AMAZING. However, she always needs to compromise on everything so I have to start as a huge production to get anything out of the ordinary after all the compromises.

I do love her but I am starting to feel very distant with her. I'm def. unhappy with the lack of a sex life/dating life and missing my "wife." This isn't something I've been thinking about for a month or so it's actually been the past 2 years. I always hope that things will get better but they never do for any consistent period.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You may love each other, but you don't like each other. I've never been married, but have had a few long term relationships, and it's really boring and exhausting to keep a relationship going, when there's honestly NOTHING in common. When you're dating, you can just say...'bye.' But, with a marriage, I realize there's more at stake. I just see your relationship with her, as a strain on you both. It probably frustrates her to not be what you want, and it frustrates you to feel that same way. You both don't have to live this way. So many people hang onto dead marriages, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make you or her a failure, in any sense. You're both just not compatible.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Deidre* said:


> Honestly? It just sounds like you're both incredibly incompatible. It doesn't need to be anyone's fault, it is what it is.


YES YES YES!

OP you sound full of yourself. Maybe your wife is sick from the stress of being married to you. How do you think she feels when you try to change her into the perfect little wife you think she should be?

You are miserable...she is miserable, what's the up side to continuing to force a relationship that's not making anyone happy?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may be incompatible. Many of us are but find ways to be happy(ish) together.

What I'm about to suggest isn't a throwaway. I really think it could help you. Download the following book and read it. It's a quick read and is something your wife should read as of yesterday:

'His Needs/Her Needs' by W. Harley

In it you'll read how women often do things with their stb-husbands while in a courtship phase that they then stop doing once they are married. This is standard and includes things like sports and recreational activities. Women also rarely understand the primary need for sex that men experience. For the men, they drop the ball on affection and intimate conversation.

If you're in a hotel tonight, take an hour and read through it.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Thinking about this more and more I am starting to think we truly are not compatible any longer. Our needs have changed and we may have outgrown each other.

Tonight is a perfect example. She's been sick for the past several weeks but today she is PERFECTLY FINE. It would be the PERFECT night to have sex after waiting nearly a month. Nope, she's watching Big Brother and I'm on the computer pissed off.

Might be time to cut the cord and move on. I haven't dated in over 15 years so it should prove interesting.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Cooper said:


> YES YES YES!
> 
> OP you sound full of yourself. Maybe your wife is sick from the stress of being married to you. How do you think she feels when you try to change her into the perfect little wife you think she should be?
> 
> You are miserable...she is miserable, what's the up side to continuing to force a relationship that's not making anyone happy?


How am I full of myself? You don't even know me or anything really about me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think that you have to change your thinking about sex, though. So many threads on here seem to make it about 'you do this for me, and then I'll do this for you.' That to me, is why so many people seem to have sex issues. Sex should be fun, and inviting. Not a chore. If you and your wife are not compatible, the last thing she is thinking about is having sex with you. You're not unreasonable to want sex, but she isn't unreasonable to not want to have it with you. That's what incompatibility is all about...two people who just don't 'get' each other.

If you're the praying kind, maybe start asking God to help you figure this out...I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Thank you I appreciate it. I think the whole sex thing is just why I resent her so much and have for the past few years. As a guy it is the #1 MOST IMPORTANT thing in a relationship. Pretty much the major difference from any other relationship with friends and family is the entire intimacy portion. Remove that and it's just same ole same ole. 

As I posted earlier I want to enjoy my life and be happy and not hang onto something that should have possibly been over a few years ago. My wife comes without much drama other than this and is mostly an honest person. I know dating and all the b.s. head games that come along with it. Not sure how I would cope with all that to be totally honest. I don't like drama and would be looking for someone that wants the same.

But, then there is the leaving my family thing and how would my son react? I would never be a deadbeat dad as I would want 50% custody and if my wife couldn't afford staying in our house alone I would def. help her out so my son has as much consistency as possible.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> Thank you I appreciate it. I think the whole sex thing is just why I resent her so much and have for the past few years. As a guy it is the #1 MOST IMPORTANT thing in a relationship. Pretty much the major difference from any other relationship with friends and family is the entire intimacy portion. Remove that and it's just same ole same ole.
> 
> As I posted earlier I want to enjoy my life and be happy and not hang onto something that should have possibly been over a few years ago. My wife comes without much drama other than this and is mostly an honest person. I know dating and all the b.s. head games that come along with it. Not sure how I would cope with all that to be totally honest. I don't like drama and would be looking for someone that wants the same.
> 
> But, then there is the leaving my family thing and how would my son react? I would never be a deadbeat dad as I would want 50% custody and if my wife couldn't afford staying in our house alone I would def. help her out so my son has as much consistency as possible.


Well, if sex is the most important thing in a relationship to some men, what might they do if their partner goes into a coma or has a disease that prevents them from having sex? Or is paralyzed? Sex is important, but if you place too much importance on it, you might be in for another let down with another woman. The reason why your sex life sucks, is because you and your wife are not compatible outside of the bedroom, so it's not all of a sudden going to be eyes- rolling-in-the-back-of-her-head-because-she's-having-so-many- orgasms sex. Just keepin' it real. 0


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I totally appreciate your advice.  I totally get it. I know women need an emotional connection to feel loved and for guys it's a physical connection. Obviously, because I resent her for not having sex I'm obviously not connecting with her emotionally which is prob. why we hardly have sex.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When2Leave said:


> I totally appreciate your advice.  I totally get it. I know women need an emotional connection to feel loved and for guys it's a physical connection. Obviously, because I resent her for not having sex I'm obviously not connecting with her emotionally which is prob. why we hardly have sex.


So, suppose you both started having more sex, and a good sex life? Would that help things? If you're not compatible, that's one thing, but if it's more about lack of sex...that seems like it could be worked on, no?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Dude get his needs her needs NOW

It explains a mans needs for sex as typically a #1 need in a way women will understand. You will benefit.

And it will explain to you why you are a d0uchbag and don't even realize it.

Easy read - got it at the library and read key parts right away.

30+ years with my W - great relationship and we LIKE each other but sex wained. Now sex every day for the past year and a half. And we are emotionally intimate and doing awesome because we're connecting.

Try this before you bail. She's as resentful as you are and I believe that's why she's behaving this way. Plus she doesn't recognize your needs. And I suspect you don't recognize hers.

As I tell guys at work - when you immediately respond to her texts during the day, listen to her concerns about family coming over or whatever issue you consider to be a non-issue - that's as important to get as sex us to you. Seriously - you listening and genuinely being interested in what she's saying = her looking up to you into your eyes during a bj and showing you she's into it. Sorry to be direct but you are missing some pretty basic stuff here.

BTW her pain could be real and made worse by your response. My best friends dad, growing up, was always ridiculed by his W for being on the pot all the time. Then he died at a young age of colon cancer. Just sayin' 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

first, I think I understand your frustration, so I'm offering the below as someone who has made some similar mistakes and learned from them. so don't take this the wrong way.

my impression from your posts is that you are always pushing, pushing, pushing.

I get it that you aren't getting your needs met, but the pushing seems counterproductive. if she is consistently saying "no" to something, you have your answer.

I am also getting the sense from your posts that you not only want your wife to do certain things, but also to validate that what you want is good.

can you be cool with the fact that you are two different people and she doesn't need to validate everything that you like?

finally, I am getting the impression that you are pretty impulsive. I wonder whether you have a tendency to act before thinking, especially if you are feeling emotional. 

If so, I would imagine that this could be a big turnoff for your wife. 

you might try slowing things down and asking yourself whether you are simply reacting to an emotion you have or whether whatever it is you want to do is actually what you want to do.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

When2Leave said:


> Thinking about this more and more I am starting to think we truly are not compatible any longer. Our needs have changed and we may have outgrown each other.
> 
> Tonight is a perfect example. She's been sick for the past several weeks but today she is PERFECTLY FINE. It would be the PERFECT night to have sex after waiting nearly a month. Nope, she's watching Big Brother and I'm on the computer pissed off.
> 
> Might be time to cut the cord and move on. I haven't dated in over 15 years so it should prove interesting.


You need to accept that sex is not going to be the first thing in your wife's head every night. Just because it's right there at the surface of your thoughts on a near constant basis, especially when you haven't had it in a while doesn't mean it's anywhere near the surface of hers. Sitting at a computer being passive aggressive about this is not going to fix it. It's not even something that CAN be fixed as such. You need to go get physical. 

DH has the same issue with me. I don't think about sex. His answer to this is to constantly make me think about sex. He has the dirtiest mouth imaginable (truly groan worthy) and leading up to bed time I'm pretty much guaranteed to be felt up every time we're near each other. That's called proactive!


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