# At a Standstill



## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

I thought i would get this out as im at the end of my rope,i have read alot but i am odds of what to do or think.Here is my story:

I am currently married for 10 yrs,she has 2 teenage children from previous,ive been with her since they were 3yrs old and i treat them as my own,they Know me as their dad as no ties with the previous father.
About 4 weeks ago {ill call my wife V} came to me one night and asked that we separate,this was a complete shock to me,she stated that i wasnt doing enough for the kids and her,that i have become distant in the the relationship and that she feels i would be happier in my life to be alone.wow,i work the graveyard shift and i know it has been tough on the whole family,i did change shifts and will start the new one come jan.I made it a point to do so as it will give me more time to spend with them.

Anyway,during that week i began to get calls from the phone company,bill hasnt been paid and it was well over 500,i couldnt believe it so i check the records,i found on her bill that there were text messages from a number that was new to me,2 months ago it started as 1 or 2 texts and as the next month it was from morning into 10:30 at night all through the day,i confronted V on it,not upset,very casual,just asked who she was talking to,she told me it was a guy at work and she had to as part of work,V works for a company that takes care of property management and this guy is an engineer so she dispatches work,i then told her i dont think he works on AC units well into the night,she then caved and said he had broken up with a girlfriend of 4 yrs and they just started to talk,he was going through the same thing as she felt about me,I explained to V that it wasnt right,that he has friends and family he can talk to not a married women.
The next night she came to me and said she was sorry and felt wrong for doing it,she then talked to me about how she felt i was treating her and the kids,i got an ear full and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I checked phone records again,that monday morning i found she got a call from him,talked for 40 min and the texting as i can see has stopped since then,i dont see any phone calls after that although there were only a few of a number i dont recognize and it was only for a min or two.
Now,the in-laws are here for the holidays and im at a loss for what to do:
1:Should i talk to the inlaws about what has happened? I 
have a strong bond with them:
2:I dont know were she stands on this,should i just hang up
the towel and divorce,as i will have no obligations.
3:Is it to late,has she become more involved with this guy
then i am led to believe.
4:Should i contact the other guy and ask him what the true 
story is,and what are the intentions?
5:Should i contact her boss and explain the situation,and 
that this guy is busy picking up on married women instead
of doing his job?

I am sorry for going on,but there is way more to this:Thank you for hearing me out:im at a point now, i dont know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When are the in-laws leaving?

You can repair the marriage. But first she can to come 100% clean with you and do what is needed to regain your trust.

1. Send a no-contact letter to the other man (OM). And agree to no contact with him at all.

2. Become completely transparent i all things.

3. Allows you to check her cell phone at any time... gives you the password to her voice mail. There are applications you can put on the phone that allow you to get all of the messages... someone here can help you with that.

4. Give you the password to all her accounts on the computer. 

5. Agree to a keylogger being installed on the computer(s) she uses. 

6. She will need to find a new job if this one means she has continued contact with the OM. If she stays on the job.. .yes tell her employer. But casting it as he's picking up on married women might not go over so well. AFter all it can be viewed as her picking up on him. If you tell her employer she might get fired. Can your family survive without her income. In this job market it could take some time for her to replace her job.

7. Yes tell her parents.

8. Some people advocate telling the children as well. This might be a good idea as they will feel the tension between the two of you. Tell them that you love them and their mother. That you do not want to lose the family so you are willing to work to keep all of you together.

You moving to the day shift is a good idea. It's very hard to keep a marriage together when spouses work different shifts. It takes a lot of coordination to make a marriage work when the two of have get almost no time together.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Wow,Thank you,that was fast:
The in-laws will be here through the new year,its killing me but i feel i need to discuss the situation,she was very straight forward in me not talking to them about what is going on,i assume it is to keep from guilt or just to let it settle due to the fact that they come once a year.
She guards the cell phone like its the only food left in the house,she has never done this before as she would leave it in plain view before,now its with her wherever she goes,even to bed,so it would be really hard for me to get ahold of it,if thought many times when she was asleep,but i was worried if she woke up and not see it there..then what?
What i find weird,i have met this OM at a wedding a couple years back,it was a co-workers wedding we went to,he sat at the same table with us,i dont know his full story but i think he has 2 young sons they were there also,heres what got me a little curious,my daughter has mentioned his name a few times to my wife out of random,one time a few weeks back she said she was going to a party for the OM's son,my daughter went with her,his name was mentioned,then the other day i had to go to the doctor,my wife wanted to take me,i was relutant,she sent a text out,i asked what that was about,she said she cancelled a meeting to have nails done with co-workers and my daughter,i told her to go and have it done,she still cancelled and took me to the DR's,my daughter came too,while sitting in the waiting room,my daughter asked who all was going to go,and she brought up his name,my wife just grumbled to her and that was the end of it.It seems like to me he has influenced my daughter in some way,i can only think that my wife has brought him into thier lives too...does this make sense?
I have though of asking my daughter who this guy is,but i am worried she will tell my wife about it.My son from what i gather wants nothing to do with it...i never asked him about it either.
This is a tough situation.I cant help but feel this OM is swaying her towards him,but i have not seen any contact as of yet,just weird that it breaks off so suddenly,i figure she would be dieing to be in contact with him...


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

My dad was very jealous growing up. I think, but do not know for certain, that my mother may have cheated on him when I was wee little and this lead to the jealousy. 

Anyhow, when I was a child, I remember my dad grilling us kids about things and telling us how he thought our mom was meeting another man, etc. 

(As in your situation, he was actually my stepdad, but father was not in picture and he had been there since I was 1, so he was my dad)

From the point of the kid, I wished he had never mentioned it. I wished he had left the kids out of it. It just put us in a weird position. Even though I didn't know of anything and didn't have anything to tell him, it still put me in an awkward position. 

It was a situation that had the potential to affect my life, but not a situation I needed to involved in, in my opinion. 

This is just my view on things, each situation is different.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tell the in laws.
Leave your kids out of it beyond telling them what their mother has done and is doing.
Find out as much as you possibly can about the OM.
If he`s married or in an LTR expose his affair with your wife to his wife/partner.
Have her served with divorce papers.

Do you have any leverage with which to get her out of the home?


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

I really dont want to drag the kids into it,i believe they dont really understand what is up,my daughter i think see's this OM as just a friend to her mother.
I am hoping to get the in-laws alone and telling them what is going on,i feel they have a right to know,and i believe when it is said and done whatever the out come,she would make it out to be my fault,that i caused all this.
The OM,thats tough,i have no idea how to obtain info on him,i know he is not married and from what the W says he had broken up with a girlfriend of 4 yrs recently...other than that he works as a maintenance engineer at her work.Im not to sure of age,early thirties,my wife is 35.he's got 2 kids,young boys possibly 8yrs and 10yrs,as far as i recall.
What is the no-contact letter?is that for a lawyer to handle?
I still gotta figure out a way to get the cell phone from her,this is hard,to bad she's never on the computer,that would be easy.Very smart in what she does,ive also wondered if there is some SMS program that she uses to keep text messages from appearing on the cell phone bill,i have not seen any from a number that i dont know of or from his number,its like it completely stopped,i find this so strange,i know i couldnt hold out from talking to someone if i was doing this behind her back...wow,just weird.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

The other thing i am debating,my daughter knows of him,im tempted to ask her who this guy is,but im sure she'll tell mom that i was asking about him...


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

the house is in her name,so she has full rights to it if a divorce is final,now i know for a fact,and she has expressed that if we were to part ways she would not be able to keep the house on her income alone,it would devastate the father as he put down the down payment on it,she would be financially strapped,thats what i cant understand either,why throw it all away and come away with nothing,me, i have a good job and could make it on my own...i tell you women work in mysterious ways..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She has come clean and give you access to her phone if this marriage has any chance to work. You have nothing to lose now. Tell her that you believe that she is not being truthful and you will need access to her phone immediately. From your responses, looks like she will shout back at you and will demand a separation when you do.

What kind of phone does she have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Edsway said:


> the house is in her name,so she has full rights to it if a divorce is final,now i know for a fact,and she has expressed that if we were to part ways she would not be able to keep the house on her income alone,it would devastate the father as he put down the down payment on it,she would be financially strapped,thats what i cant understand either,why throw it all away and come away with nothing,me, i have a good job and could make it on my own...i tell you women work in mysterious ways..


Depending on the laws in your state, you might have some equity in the house. When community income is used to pay on a non-community asset either it converts the non-community asset to community or you can get your half of the equity that has accurued during your marriage.

YOu need to check with an attorney.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Edsway said:


> I really dont want to drag the kids into it,i believe they dont really understand what is up,my daughter i think see's this OM as just a friend to her mother.


I`m not telling you to "drag" the kids into it.
They`re going to ask questions and when they do I recommend telling them the truth.
What else are you going to tell them when they ask?



> I am hoping to get the in-laws alone and telling them what is going on,i feel they have a right to know,and i believe when it is said and done whatever the out come,she would make it out to be my fault,that i caused all this.


She make it out to be your fault with the kids too if you don`t tell them what`s going on.



> The OM,thats tough,i have no idea how to obtain info on him,i know he is not married and from what the W says he had broken up with a girlfriend of 4 yrs recently


Yeah, that`s what he`s telling her.



> What is the no-contact letter?is that for a lawyer to handle?


An NC letter is a letter your wife writes telling the OM she can not communicate with him ever again.
It`s proof read by you before she sends it.
It`s the first step in a reconciliation.
Not sure you`re at that point, does she want to keep the marriage?



> I still gotta figure out a way to get the cell phone from her,this is hard,....


Why is this "hard"?
Ask her for the damn phone.
If she refuses file for divorce.

If I ask my wife for her phone she gives it to me.
If I should ever ask my wife for her phone and she refuses her life is going to suck bad and she knows it.

I don`t get it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Edsway said:


> The other thing i am debating,my daughter knows of him,im tempted to ask her who this guy is,but im sure she'll tell mom that i was asking about him...


THIS is dragging the kids into it.

It`s good to tell them what`s going on in your marriage.
They have a right to know what`s happening with their parents.

DO NOT start using your daughter as a mole to gain info on your wife.
Think about what kind of position that puts a little kid in.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> She has come clean and give you access to her phone if this marriage has any chance to work. You have nothing to lose now. Tell her that you believe that she is not being truthful and you will need access to her phone immediately. From your responses, looks like she will shout back at you and will demand a separation when you do.
> 
> What kind of phone does she have?


I dont know what her reaction would be,I will just have to ask her to see the phone that its time to come clean,I mean its already exposed,i already know she has been texting so what difference does it make.
She has an Android phone,Droid 2x...mine is a Droid also but not the 2x.very similar so it wouldnt be hard for me to search it when i get a hold of it,im still confused about the messages just stopping like they did,something doesnt fly.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Depending on the laws in your state, you might have some equity in the house. When community income is used to pay on a non-community asset either it converts the non-community asset to community or you can get your half of the equity that has accurued during your marriage.
> 
> YOu need to check with an attorney.


Yes i need to check with an attorney to see,we are in AZ so it is community property,and i have been paying the bills,we have joint accounts and i know she pays all the bills in the beginning of the month as we get payed close to the same time.so i believe you right that according to AZ law i am entitled to the property also,well half.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I`m not telling you to "drag" the kids into it.
> They`re going to ask questions and when they do I recommend telling them the truth.
> What else are you going to tell them when they ask?
> 
> ...


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Update:

Ok,wife went to work this AM,i wasnt expecting that as i thought she would take off this week for the inlaws.
Now it gives me the clear opportunity to talk to at least father in law as to what has been happening:i will lay it all on the table and see what the reaction would be,as i dont think she even mentioned anything to them about this.
I checked the phone account,and still nothing,nothing to the OM or anything,man i still find this so weird,just to cut it off like that,something still doesnt make sense.
She is still the same,very reserved,cant make heads or tails of it..


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Inlaws are aware,i didnt even start it,they asked me,i told them everything what was going,my son started it he was very upset last night and it all came out,he told them mom had asked awhile ago about how he would feel if we divorced,been eating at him ever since,very smart kid,anyway,wife and i had a long talk well into the AM,she gave e her phone today and opened all email accounts,first step,very good,did not find anything but a phone number to OM,last called on dec 22,that was it,no other contact possibly deleted,she agreed to give me everything in the mean time.We will now see what happens,i need to have a long talk with my son and get him situated,i also explained the no-contact to her,she agreed but they work together so she said that will be tough,i told her business only and if i feel something is up i will be in contact with the bosses,she said she will be fired,i said nothing i can do about that as i didnt bring the guy into our life..we will see how it progresses.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just a note. There are lots of ways to continue to communicate without telephone calls or texts showing up. My STBXW was texting nearly continuously using a crossword game with a messaging function! Nothing shows in the phone bill.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to say I'm sorry you are dealing with this, especially with company and the holidays. 
Hang in there, hope things get better !!


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

I have her phone,battery is now dead,there is nothing on it as far as i can tell.In-laws are really upset,she hasnt talked to them at length yet,i told her she should.

She talked to me last night,very long talk,and what it seems like she opened up and told me everything,she told me her plan,what she was going to do,how she was going to do it,set up finacially,house etc.I even got a insite on the OM,very interesting,i was really curious about it and i think i got the idea of what was up.
I have the time line in my head and finally i was able to make it all fit last night:
1.OM works at the current place,they both have been there for 3 yrs,she was there before him 3yrs prior,he's fairly new hire.
2.would always come in and talk to the other women there,there are 7 in the office she works at,my wife is the asst manager.
3.she would over hear conversations with him and another co-worker he was very fond of,as far as talking,she is also married.
4. he would talk about all the things he would do for his girlfriend of 4yrs and she was unresponsive to it,she is a nurse and worked night shift,he would say it was very hard for them to be together.
5.has very nice and outgoing personality,wants to do things all the time,has 2 young sons that are with him 3 times a week.
6.he never at the time talked to my wife at that level,only to the other co-worker,my wife would just listen in.
7.as time progressed and he began having problems with the girlfriend and had a hard time on what to do,my wife began to converse with him about it,she felt she was going through the same exact thing as he was,and they began to talk about it.
Thats how it all started,my wife stated it was not part of the master plan,even for me to find out about it,it was just something that threw a monkey wrench into it,now with the inlaws finding out and everything crashing down around her,her plan to set up and divorce me has been screwed.she said she didnt look into the other side of it,it never crossed her mind as she was fixated on doing what she had to do to end it,now she has a veiw of the what the other side is all about and is scared and confused,I have alot more and i will post it.

Thank you all,this has helped me so much in understanding.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is another phone dude. Look for a prepaid second phones hat she has hidden.

It sounds then like this is both an EA Nd a physical affair if it's gotten to the point if her divorcing you.

It's possibly in her car someplace, does she go out for drives or erands on the weekend? So find that second phone.

Also expose her at work, let the other women there know she has been having an affair.


As for her going to work when she was supposed to be off, was to meet up with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Shaggy-thats just it,i ahve checked the bank accounts,a prepaid would show up on there,wouldnt it?lets say a 20 dollar charge or something,i can contact her co-worker,she is the same women we went to her wedding a few years back,i know her and can talk to her,should i just ask her what is up with this OM,probably wont tell me but worth a try,I still feel tempted to contact the OM,i want to ask him what is going on.
From me and wifes conversations lately,we've really opened up alot,but its in the back of my mind that she is really sway towards what this guy can offer her,its just really weird though,i dont know if its a pipe dream or what...i just cant figure this part out.

Again,inlaws are here,she hasnt gone out on her own,she hasnt gone out at all like late at night,doesnt hide in a corner somewere to talk to him,just really weird there has been no contact as what i see on any of the accounts....since dec 19th...i cant believe from our conversations that it would just cut off like that...i couldnt hold off if i was in her shoes..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not contact the OM. 

The phone could have been bought by him, or she could have gotten a friend to do it. 

If you can trust the coworker to keep it confidence it might be worth it. Keep in mind this guy may have played with others at work too so there may be some interesting history you can learn from her.

if they work together - did she "go into" work to see him this week?

do you know the boss / owner of the place she works?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Skype or something similar, a pre-paid phone that shows no records and is reloaded using cash. Are you really going to notice a $20 withdrawal? Could be lunch, magazines, etc. can you get cash back when you buy groceries around there?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Did she cheat on her 1st husband or did she say he cheated on her, left her etc...?


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Ok, i will not contact the OM,i want to,im just curious what he has to say.
True:I will search around for the other phone,if there is one.
she went to work this past wed,came home early,did here her convo with the boss earlier about her time card,she told there were no changes as she was supposed to be off on vacation all week,{hmm,why did she go into work on wed then? Flag is raised}
I know the boss,not very well though,but i know her,why?

I dont know if i can trust the co-work,would like to ask the co-worker as i dont know if she knows whats going on,i can try and contact her and i inquire on it.

PBear- no skype,she is never on the computer,and your right would be hard to find that 20 dollar charge,i find it hard to believe though,but then again,she is a very smart person,and they get way ahead of the game when they know im onto it....ill begin my search for possible pre paid phone.

She is still confused as to what to do,like i said it was cut and dry for her a few weeks ago,and all that happen through a wrench into the game plan,i think now sh is in limbo also,im glad this happened in a way,its opened us up alot,things i havent seen for years,but like i have told her,im not the fall guy,if she feels the clown is better for her then so be it,i just resent the fact she has someone to fall on,and im left in the dust with no one,thats whats eating at me now.Ill keep you guys posted...and thanks again all for being my other side in all this.

Ask me questions:as im just trying to gather all this in.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Did she cheat on her 1st husband or did she say he cheated on her, left her etc...?


Negative,the fist husband was very abusive,began to hit her all the time,was a drunk,even stole the son at one time,he is still out for payback till this day,thats one of the reasons we moved out of state to get away from him..doesnt have a leg to stand on so he is of no threat...


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Wife got done talking to her parents,told them the whole story,cats out of the bag now,no turning back.
In-laws very upset,wife stated that they suggested for her to pack her bags and head back home with the kids,due to my son feeling the brunt of this and that they can give him a more stable environment,my wife was just matter of fact,i hope to talk tonight.
My standpoint: I think it is over,i think she feels she must move on,i am really blown away,upset,and yes a little scared.
What a shame it has turned out to be like this.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Skype doesn't require you to use a computer. It also works on the current generation of smart phones. I know this because in addition to using a crossword game to text, my STBXW also used skype. In fact, she had named him TIA in the contacts to try and hide that she was still in contact up until a couple of weeks ago. 

Be strong. You will get through this.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Really,huh,i have skype on my phone and i know she does,never would have thought about it,and it doesnt show on the bill?very interesting,so if i were to open skype,i can check contacts?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call the her boss and let her know what is going on.

most places do not accept in office dating because it really screws up things at work when romances go south.

it also will alert the boss to be on the look out for when/if they are using company time to meet up. Which means they are claiming to work, when instead they are playing around.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think hard before your son leaves. It was you wife that is cheating. Why should you loose your son? You aren't the bad guy here - she is 100%.

She can leave, but your son should stay if possible with you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Edsway said:


> Really,huh,i have skype on my phone and i know she does,never would have thought about it,and it doesnt show on the bill?very interesting,so if i were to open skype,i can check contacts?


if she's not careful, you can see the history of her calls. That's how I found out about "Tia". I was able to view Tia's full profile and stupidly, it listed his skype contact "Jim.TheOtherMan". I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes.

If she is careful, that history may be erased.


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

KanDo said:


> if she's not careful, you can see the history of her calls. That's how I found out about "Tia". I was able to view Tia's full profile and stupidly, it listed his skype contact "Jim.TheOtherMan". I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes.
> 
> If she is careful, that history may be erased.


Very good I have to look into this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
Ok now im a bit taken back.can anyone make heads or tails of this.
Came out and brought me coffee this am
Talk for awhile.good talk.asked how I was doing.etc.
Has been around me.asking what im doing.were im going etc
I have 2to doc app next week.asked when and what time.asked if she can be there
Been very alert.taking etc.picking my brain as u will
This is very out of the norm.very unusual.im really confused as she was never like this before.im having a hard time taking this in.
Why would she be acting like this.I keep thinking its set up to keep me from falling to hard. I don't know what to make of the reversal.
Anyone seen this behavior before.or am I going nuts in all this?


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Could she have plans to go some place with him and she's in a good mood?


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Could she have plans to go some place with him and she's in a good mood?


That would be hard to do as impassioned are here though next week.it would be after they leave.
Good point though.but very unlikely. No time for her to get away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Edsway said:


> That would be hard to do as inlaws are here though next week.it would be after they leave.
> Good point though.but very unlikely. No time for her to get away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Ive come to grips,wife as talked at length with me,i listened,she told me thing i never knew,about past relationships shes had,things these relationships did to her and what she is trying to find in her life,the loves the passion the partner,etc.
I tell you,it took this to get her out of the shell,to release the skeletons in the closet,it has been a real eye opener this past month,i have never seen this other side of her,the only thing now is to carry on,and wait for what she wants to do,whether to try again with this life or just move on.
I feel relieved,the weight has been lifted,i am still a little confused as i dont know what her intentions truly are,but whatever it may be,i can handle it i feel.wish me luck.again thanks all for pulling me through this.


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