# 7 months later, why do I want to contact the OM wife?



## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

I have never spoke with her. My wife and I are working on us, I know the OM went home to his wife and they are "trying". Do I reach out to her? I still have many questions she might know the answers too, but I do not want to derail her progress. I couldn't care less about the effect on him, but I do her. Any advice?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

did you initially contact her? what I mean is, did you expose the affair to his wife?


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

no, I found out just by questioning where my wife was disappearing too, who she was texting at all hours. The OM had left his wife before I found out. He moved back in when my wife ended it with him. I have never spoken with her.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

How do you know they're trying?! I mean, if you never contacted her how do you know?

Reason I ask is that I contacted the xOM's wife by email and was told not to contact them any more cuz they were "trying".

Luckily, I'm tenacious and sent another email 6 weeks later. THAT email was the one she really saw. The first was the xOM intecepting the email after I confronted him on the phone on Dday.

I think you must contact the OM's wife. Not to derail anything but to ensure that the "truth" is out there. Yeah...quotes around that cuz the real truth, IMO is never really out there. Just a version that they (the cheaters) create.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you need to contact her ASAP. she needs to know what went on..... she DESERVES to know.

sounds like you're rugsweeping this affair.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

We have mutual friends that just came back from a vacation with them. Thats how I know they are trying. I have no idea if she knows anymore, or as much as I do. It is my need to know that is driving me. But I seriously do not want to hurt her is she is in a better place now that they are living together again.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Java,

Sounds like your wife is not being forthcoming with you. 

SHE should be answering all your questions without hesitation, not OMW. She owes you this and you are not "working on us" if she isn't giving you the naswers you need.

Something's not right. Your gut is telling you this isn't it? LISTEN

Edited to add that you should ask your wife if she's willing to take a polygraph to save the marriage


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

by mutual friends, do you mean there's a chance that you'll run into them at some point?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Was the affair physical ? How do you know it wasn't ?

Ok, just read a bit of your older posts. You threatened her and she stopped ?? It is likely the affair is now underground.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> by mutual friends, do you mean there's a chance that you'll run into them at some point?


Yes. We live in a small community. My wife has provided me answers. I Just am not convinced they are the whole truth.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

to be honest, the sh1t has to hit the fan before you can begin to reconcile. you say you're not convinced of the "whole truth".....well, i suggest you start digging.

like i said before, it sounds like you're rugsweeping and your wife is all too happy to oblige you in this regard.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

7 months ago I asked to her leave. She did for three days before she she asked to come home. The long and short of it is we spent days discussing it. Her answering my questions. She still does when I ask. I believe it's over. I have access to emails and text now. I just have images in my head I can not get rid of. We go to counseling. Have been since she came home. She has done anything I have asked so she could help me with this, yet I am still in this place. Moments of sorrow. Moments of anger.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> How do you know they're trying?! I mean, if you never contacted her how do you know?
> 
> Reason I ask is that I contacted the xOM's wife by email and was told not to contact them any more cuz they were "trying".
> 
> ...


This is so sad but so true. I think even the most forth coming WS will never give the full truth.

OP, I think you definitely need to tell the other BS. She deserves to know the full truth so she can make a full informed decision about her future. You know the kind of lies WS tell their spouses. My H's OW told her H that I was upset because my H was talking to another woman. Me, who has never ever been jealous of my H's female friends and acquaintances!! It was so cleansing to talk to the other BS and show him, no I'm not jealous of them "talking", I'm furious about them telling each other how much they're in love! Just think about the junk your W's OM may be telling his wife about you. Blow that out of the water!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm almost 14 months past Dday. I still have moments of sorrow and moments of anger.

I'm gonna say just what I said in ATP's thread: "Do you think it's fair that she doesn't truly know the man she is married to? Do you think it's fair that your wife was just another notch in his affair belt? Do you think there's not another guy...just like you, who in a short while is going to endure the same sh-t you've just gone through?

Does HE deserve that?"

So, you "know" they're working on it. I was told the same thing from the mutual friends in the months following Dday. Except 3 months after, the xOM's wife sent me an email with one simple paragraph..."At my house? I was told it was 3 times at your house and 1 hotel."

They banged at my house for the first YEAR about 15 times! The last FOUR years they did at his house cuz my wife was afraid that since our children were getting older they might "catch" him at the house. There were 4 hotel rooms just to f-ck...not spend the night or anything...just f-ck.

So. What do you think SHE really knew while they were "working" on it?

That's right. Nothing. Barely a scratch of the surface.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: 7 months later, why do I want to contact the OM wife?*



javawave said:


> . But I seriously do not want to hurt her is she is in a better place now that they are living together again.


Disney World is a great place too but you can't live there.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: 7 months later, why do I want to contact the OM wife?*



javawave said:


> 7 months ago I asked to her leave. She did for three days before she she asked to come home. The long and short of it is we spent days discussing it. Her answering my questions. She still does when I ask. I believe it's over. I have access to emails and text now. I just have images in my head I can not get rid of. We go to counseling. Have been since she came home. She has done anything I have asked so she could help me with this, yet I am still in this place. Moments of sorrow. Moments of anger.


If you can sleep without serious drugs, count yourself a lucky BS.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> How do you know they're trying?! I mean, if you never contacted her how do you know?
> 
> Reason I ask is that I contacted the xOM's wife by email and was told not to contact them any more cuz they were "trying".
> 
> ...


The truth. Personally expose the OMW.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think part of it is you want to connect and talk with someone to share and commiserate with, and the OMW is the one persons the world who also was affected by the affair

You are isolated with a person like that to talk about it to.

I'd say contact her,.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

You need to tell her. Yes she will be upset, but in time you two will have eachother to help with awareness, in case they try to contact eachother again. Just remember, when she finds out she will be distraught and you will have to give her time to adjust just as you needed when you first found out.
The OW's H contacted me after he found out but i had tried contacting him. The OW kept intervening and would read emails before he could get them. BE persistant until you have actually spoken with her so you know that she knows. I have had conversations with the OW's H to compare stories and to help eachother know we are not at fault.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Guy is clearly afraid to find out more and is rugsweeping.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Nothing wrong with contacting her. She may feel exact same, or may tell you to eff off. 

Is it easy to contact her? Is that your sticking point? Wondering how and when?


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