# Am I just not listening?



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

Hi. I have been separated for two months and I feel bipolar at times; I think that's normal in these cases...? Sometimes I'm fine, but at times I just want to call him and tell him to stop this, and come home! I feel that he still has feelings for me (we have been married for ten years), but I'm afraid that time will just drive us further apart. After the first three weeks into our separation, he came home and told me that he loved me, didn't want to lose me, and wanted to start over...two days later he did a 180. Now he tells me that I deserve better, because he hasn't been the greatest husband. He's living with a relative and isn't acting foolish. I don't want to give up because we have been through thick and thin. However, he never wants to talk and I'm tired of trying, but I feel like this can't be it. We have talked about divorce and he's told me he doesn't want to come home, but I do feel like he's putting up a wall to push me away. He doesn't seem happy. He doesn't laugh like he used to and neither do I...our kids miss him sooo much. He comes over frequently to work around the house. What to do? Do I just give him more time? Should I show him how much I still love him? I hate acting needy because that's not me...but it's tough.


----------



## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

Damcel,

I am sorry that you are in this position. 

No, don't be needy. Give him the space he wants. You can not control what he does. You can only control yourself. Take this time to be come a better you, not just for you, but for your children. Do not do it for him. Focus on what is important now (you and kids) and move forward. Act happy, even if you are not. Move on with yourself. Have a place for him, but shield yourself (with the 180) from further emotional harm. 

Post on here and a lot of us will be there to help. This community is absolutely wonderful. 

Things will get better. I promise.


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

damcel said:


> Hi. I have been separated for two months and I feel bipolar at times; I think that's normal in these cases...? Sometimes I'm fine, but at times I just want to call him and tell him to stop this, and come home! I feel that he still has feelings for me (we have been married for ten years), but I'm afraid that time will just drive us further apart. After the first three weeks into our separation, he came home and told me that he loved me, didn't want to lose me, and wanted to start over...two days later he did a 180. Now he tells me that I deserve better, because he hasn't been the greatest husband. He's living with a relative and isn't acting foolish. I don't want to give up because we have been through thick and thin. However, he never wants to talk and I'm tired of trying, but I feel like this can't be it. We have talked about divorce and he's told me he doesn't want to come home, but I do feel like he's putting up a wall to push me away. He doesn't seem happy. He doesn't laugh like he used to and neither do I...our kids miss him sooo much. He comes over frequently to work around the house. What to do? Do I just give him more time? Should I show him how much I still love him? I hate acting needy because that's not me...but it's tough.


As counterintuitive as it seems, expressing your undying love for him will drive him further away.

Start living your life like you are single--doing things that make you a happier and better version of you.

Limit your contact with him. Keep things business only.

He will never miss you if you don't go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi sounds confused , give him the time and don't contact him. 

As long as is not posOW in the picture you're fine.

Good luck and stay strong !


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for the support! So, I haven't spoken to him in more than a week and a half; however, it makes me super upset that he doesn't take the time to call his children. He texted me Sunday which was totally random. I'm guessing that he wanted to converse but I didn't respond. I do know that he's been at bars just about every night which makes my mind wonder...is there OW? He lives with his cousin who is another "lonely" male (his gf works out of town and only comes see him once a month till she can transfer). Is this typical male behavior in this situation...to go to bars/pool halls frequently? I know I shouldn't care but still do. I am ready to meet with an attorney...H is obviously not making any attempts to reconcile. I've given him space but how long am I supposed to wait? Don't want him disrespecting what's left of our marriage=/


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I think there may be a OW. The whole. "You deserve better" thing sounds like a cop out to absolve him of any wrong doing. Plus my wife said the same thing and definitely had a man waiting in the wings.

It doesn't matter though. All the advice given so far is good advice. You can only control yourself and your actions. Don't act needy or anything. Just focus on making yourself a better person. The person that he was originally attracted to.

If you need to vent. We are all here for you.


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am in the same boat. I look at him and it is like I am looking at a different person. I keep waiting for the person that I have spent the last 10 years with to return. The 180 is so hard to do with two kids who want to facetime with there dad and then hand mom the phone.

1 day at a time.


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear that NoWhere and Lee, because these situations are tormenting. Thank you, I know one day at a time is the trick to success. It's funny how we all try to advise each other but applying is difficult; I'm sure we'll all be fine...in due time.


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh everyone here is a expert at relationship _advice_. Not so much the relationship. 

But its all good advice. Like you said its easy to tell someone to act happy and do the 180 etc, but actually doing it when you really want to break down and cry is difficult.

You have the key though. Just take one day at a time. Try and be positive and remain hopeful that things will get better.

Or in my case where you grow so numb from the pain you go a little crazy then it doesn't hurt as much.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Do you think it's possible that he's depressed? If you don't see him out partying, mainly just drinking and hanging out with his cousin, he may be withdrawing. Has he had issues with depression before? Any big changes recently like a job loss, something like that? Some of the things in your OP made me wonder -- not laughing, not seeming happy, etc. Often when there's another person involved, the walkaway loves to throw their new 'happiness' in the face of the person they left behind.

Just another possibility to consider.


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

Not sure about that one. No previous issues or job loss though. I haven't seen or spoken to him for a while...just business texts once in a while. I guess the good thing, if that was the case, is that he has someone who genuinely cares for him around (his cousin).


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

* meant previous


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

So how's it going today for ya damcel? Anything new to report? Still going through mood swings?


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

It's been great. However, he should be picking the kids in a bit, I'm not even gonna look at him! Well see how everything goes. Gonna take this time alone to get the clutter out of here...no pun intended...lol. Doing the 180 has helped me immensely.


----------



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Do you think it's possible that he's depressed? If you don't see him out partying, mainly just drinking and hanging out with his cousin, he may be withdrawing. Has he had issues with depression before? Any big changes recently like a job loss, something like that? Some of the things in your OP made me wonder -- not laughing, not seeming happy, etc. Often when there's another person involved, the walkaway loves to throw their new 'happiness' in the face of the person they left behind.
> 
> Just another possibility to consider.



Yeah, you need to look for this. My stbxw has done this several times. She's said "Have you seen me at work? I'M HAPPY!.... I'm happy now. I don't need you, I don't want you"

While still hearing "no there's no one else" and seeing that the original OM is 2 hours away, even with proof he's banging a 15 yo right now... still I wonder... "there HAS to be OM/OW"

It's hard to see sometimes.. but keep your mind and eyes open.


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

A small update- So my H came to pick up the kids w/his cousin...in his cousin's vehicle. At first I thought "Oh no! He sent his cousin," but instead they were both in the vehicle. I send the kids out but since both (H and cousin) got out of the vehicle and I didn't want to be rude to his cousin, I went outside to say hi. The H noticed right away that my hair was different (I have been working one me), he commented on it but I didn't respond. After chatting with his cousin I went back inside. After telling the kids to get in the car, the H knocked and came inside, but I stopped him at the entrance. He asked me if there was anything I wanted him to talk to the kids about...I gave him that "What are you talking about look"-and said I didn't know what he was referring to. He asked if they have been ok and since they have coped well I said, "Yes." Then he asked me how I have been and I said "Great!" He asked if I was going on a date? (I asked him to pick up the kids by a certain time 'cause I had somewhere to go-lie) Mind you I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans...I'm not divorced I answered with a smirk...then HE hugged me and left...It felt good to be in control. Hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot. What do ya'll think?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sounds like you were awesome. :smthumbup:


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

damcel said:


> A small update- So my H came to pick up the kids w/his cousin...in his cousin's vehicle. At first I thought "Oh no! He sent his cousin," but instead they were both in the vehicle. I send the kids out but since both (H and cousin) got out of the vehicle and I didn't want to be rude to his cousin, I went outside to say hi. The H noticed right away that my hair was different (I have been working one me), he commented on it but I didn't respond. After chatting with his cousin I went back inside. After telling the kids to get in the car, the H knocked and came inside, but I stopped him at the entrance. He asked me if there was anything I wanted him to talk to the kids about...I gave him that "What are you talking about look"-and said I didn't know what he was referring to. He asked if they have been ok and since they have coped well I said, "Yes." Then he asked me how I have been and I said "Great!" He asked if I was going on a date? (I asked him to pick up the kids by a certain time 'cause I had somewhere to go-lie) Mind you I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans...I'm not divorced I answered with a smirk...then HE hugged me and left...It felt good to be in control. Hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot. What do ya'll think?



When asked about the date thing...I would have said "I guess it's no longer none of your business what I do"...

I dunno..I wouldn't have given him the satisfaction of thinking your going to 'remain faithful' or 'stay home' etc...until divorce...I would have kept a real mystery going...especially with the new hair and all going... 

I think you got that hug because he got the reasurrance he was looking for when you made your comment...as I said imo...I would have left him hanging...to no end...


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Sounds like you were awesome. :smthumbup:


but yes damcel... 

you were indeed awesome... 

and you 'should' post pics of you and ur new hair... *ahem...:smthumbup:


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks AP.
SM- When I smirk he takes it as me being deceitful...so I think that he didn't believe me, which was my intention in the first place...don't know about the hug...?

Well after being at a high last night, today, not so much; its quite the opposite. I started cleaning out more stuff and found an old video...I WATCHED IT...its like self torture. In the video he just leaves me a personal and very loving message. I don't know whether I should pack it or keep it. I felt almost as if he's still here...I guess that's gives me my answer; he's not here, so I must pack it=( I don't know why I thought today was going to be a piece of cake=( Playing happy music doesn't even help. Dammit, I knew seeing him would set me back!!! I thought I was mentally stronger already. I guess the good thing is that I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me weak.


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

*Am I just not listening?-a glimmer of change...possibly?*

H has the kids, and texted me to ask if it was ok to keep them till 7:00. I said yes. He only gets them every other weekend...sooo he texted me back and said they were going to the movies and asked if I wanted to join them? I said I'd try to make it but that I was on the other side of town-lie (I was home). After thinking of the 180, and how I didn't want to ruin what to me seems like progress or at least interest from him, I told him, "Can't make it but enjoy!" Jeez, I'm becoming a compulsive liar...hahaha. I guess its o.k. as long as they're innocent ones to save my marriage...right? I think that was the right thing to do...any advise? Has somebody been in my shoes already? I'd just hate for H to think that I'm moving on without him, because I'm not...at least not yet.


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am right there with you. It is a very fine line to walk. I feel like I am never on the right side of the line if you know what I mean.


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

So I've been quiet for a while but would like some advise. H asked me out on a date and I'm confused...I guess I'm concerned about becoming vulnerable again after coming this far or him just "checking" to see if I'm still there. I have to admit it put a smile on my face but not even sure I want him in my life again...I feel like when we separated 3mo. ago, my brain is non-stop...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Is this the first time he's asked? How much and what kind of contact have you had over the last few weeks? 

I guess I would say this: if you are really thinking you don't want him back, then why would you go on the date? It might give him a false impression that there could be a R. 

On the other hand, if you thought you would be interested in him if he made some changes, you might want to have a look-see on the date. Knowing him as long as you have, it shouldn't take too long to see if he's just the same person he was before, or if he's been working on himself.

Has he been a more interested father in recent weeks?


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

It is the first time he' s asked for a date; a couple weeks ago he extended an invite to the movies (he and kids) which I declined. Contact has been EXTREMELY limited- only a couple texts a week and maybe a phone call- literally (all initiated by him). I would only consider a R if he has worked on himself, so it wouldn't hurt to "see"-thanks AP. When he spends time with the kids, he really makes it count- although I have to admit its not as often as I expected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Well then, this might be a good time to observe. Stay detached, and just watch and listen to him.


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

No date yet...and it's fine!!! Can't believe how far I've come; the 180 really helped. H and I agreed that it was best that he dedicate the whole weekend to our kids. He told me that he wants to try; that it'll be woth it. I told him that I'm afraid to put myself out there so I may not give him my best...he said it's worth a shot. I can't deny his words made me happy; I'm just trying to stay detached.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

damcel said:


> No date yet...and it's fine!!! Can't believe how far I've come; the 180 really helped. H and I agreed that it was best that he dedicate the whole weekend to our kids. He told me that he wants to try; that it'll be woth it. I told him that I'm afraid to put myself out there so I may not give him my best...he said it's worth a shot. I can't deny his words made me happy; I'm just trying to stay detached.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck! Actions speak louder then words!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

I feel confused...H spent New Years Eve with the kids and I & he kissed me (it was only our little family). He whispered that I was going to have lots of love this 2013. He also spend the night there-he had to work at 4am, so it made sense. Friday night we went on our date,finally, and had a blast, it felt normal; he was a gentleman. After, I asked him to stay; he said he wanted to but knew he shouldn't...not yet (?).-I didn't want to sleep with him. I was just concerned that it was 3am...We spent Sunday afternoon at the park w/kids (his invite) then he invited me to the cinema; we went. He spent the night over again...he told me he wants us to date because he wants to do things right. I feel like I should just go with it but worry that he'll just mess up all my progress and leave me "stranded" on love island again and I def. don't want to go into the "friend" category. However, we haven't spoken about us/issues; I want him to choose to come home vs. him feeling pressured to do so. His actions say that he likes/wants to spend a lot of time around his fam. so why doesn't he just come home??? Is he a cake-eater or is he waiting for me to ask? P.s. I had the kids this weekend so he could've done his thing instead of spending so much time w/us. Any advise...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> I am in the same boat. I look at him and it is like I am looking at a different person. I keep waiting for the person that I have spent the last 10 years with to return. The 180 is so hard to do with two kids who want to facetime with there dad and then hand mom the phone.
> 
> 1 day at a time.


hi ya lee . but can't the kids still have time with him. not only they all need it but personally l'm finding children are really handy. hate to put it like that but can't think of another.
it's just l'm finding that through the kids you at least still get around each other a bit and l think that's a good thing if there's any doubt in the other.
too much distance seems to put this stuff to bed but the odd reminder seems to weaken their dreamworld state of mind a little.


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

damcel said:


> I feel confused...H spent New Years Eve with the kids and I & he kissed me (it was only our little family). He whispered that I was going to have lots of love this 2013. He also spend the night there-he had to work at 4am, so it made sense. Friday night we went on our date,finally, and had a blast, it felt normal; he was a gentleman. After, I asked him to stay; he said he wanted to but knew he shouldn't...not yet (?).-I didn't want to sleep with him. I was just concerned that it was 3am...We spent Sunday afternoon at the park w/kids (his invite) then he invited me to the cinema; we went. He spent the night over again...he told me he wants us to date because he wants to do things right. I feel like I should just go with it but worry that he'll just mess up all my progress and leave me "stranded" on love island again and I def. don't want to go into the "friend" category. However, we haven't spoken about us/issues; I want him to choose to come home vs. him feeling pressured to do so. His actions say that he likes/wants to spend a lot of time around his fam. so why doesn't he just come home??? Is he a cake-eater or is he waiting for me to ask? P.s. I had the kids this weekend so he could've done his thing instead of spending so much time w/us. Any advise...?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



hey ya damcel.
now don't quote me on this - hell my marriage is screwed but he does sound legit and lots of couples restart slowly like this.

sounds like he wants to try and start his marriage again but fresh and into a better state , do it right . even court you type thing.
but hey he also might be sussing it out while he makes up his mind .
at any rate keep making him work for it and l think your right to still guard yourself right now

good luck


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks WH. Hope you're right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## damcel (Nov 27, 2012)

Sooo I wanted to let you, my friends, know that after a tormenting four month separation, and later dating a bit my H and I have reconciled. He has not moved back in yet, but will be over the weekend. The 180 allowed me to really focus on myself and my flaws. It revived a woman who had slowly burnt out. It showed him that I am the strong, independent, and still kind woman he fell in love with. The 180 allowed him to miss me and my quirks. He told me that the separation allowed him to see his contribution to a troublesome marriage, and that his reflections were genuine. We have already begun implementing actions that will solidify our marriage. I have to admit that he has gone all out, not monetarily but thoughtfully, when we went out on dates. He has shown me how much he values and still love me. My flame for him that had begun to die, due to all the emotional pain and distress, rekindled. The man I have always loved is back for good. Thank you all for all your wise advise and support. I will be checking in...


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

damcel said:


> Sooo I wanted to let you, my friends, know that after a tormenting four month separation, and later dating a bit my H and I have reconciled. He has not moved back in yet, but will be over the weekend. The 180 allowed me to really focus on myself and my flaws. It revived a woman who had slowly burnt out. It showed him that I am the strong, independent, and still kind woman he fell in love with. The 180 allowed him to miss me and my quirks. He told me that the separation allowed him to see his contribution to a troublesome marriage, and that his reflections were genuine. We have already begun implementing actions that will solidify our marriage. I have to admit that he has gone all out, not monetarily but thoughtfully, when we went out on dates. He has shown me how much he values and still love me. My flame for him that had begun to die, due to all the emotional pain and distress, rekindled. The man I have always loved is back for good. Thank you all for all your wise advise and support. I will be checking in...


That is great news.... I am happy for you. :smthumbup:


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

damcel said:


> Sooo I wanted to let you, my friends, know that after a tormenting four month separation, and later dating a bit my H and I have reconciled. He has not moved back in yet, but will be over the weekend. The 180 allowed me to really focus on myself and my flaws. It revived a woman who had slowly burnt out. It showed him that I am the strong, independent, and still kind woman he fell in love with. The 180 allowed him to miss me and my quirks. He told me that the separation allowed him to see his contribution to a troublesome marriage, and that his reflections were genuine. We have already begun implementing actions that will solidify our marriage. I have to admit that he has gone all out, not monetarily but thoughtfully, when we went out on dates. He has shown me how much he values and still love me. My flame for him that had begun to die, due to all the emotional pain and distress, rekindled. *The man I have always loved is back for good.* Thank you all for all your wise advise and support. I will be checking in...


I wish you the best of luck.

Although.

Be careful thinking like this.

Nothing lasts forever if you don't continue to work on it.


----------

