# It's Been 15 Months - Please Help



## Anonymous1234 (Sep 26, 2011)

My marriage of 5 years ended 15 months ago and I am not doing so well. I was devastated when it ended as it was not my decision and was very sudden and traumatic - My husband started seeing another woman in secret, then came home one day and out of the blue announced he wanted a divorce. He insisted I be the one to move out of our home, which I did 2 months later (I could have fought him for the legal right to stay, but I became emotionally exhausted and couldn't stand watching him carry on a new relationship right in front of me, so after 2 months I gave in and left). 

To be quite honest I'm pretty obsessed with the girl (she's 23) he cheated on me with. Everyone tried to reassure me that "those kind" of relationships never last and that they would likely break up very soon, but it's been 15 months and they are still together. Although I've stopped thinking about them together constantly I still feel the sense of helplessness and desperation I felt when I first found out about her.

To add to the pain, his family did a 180 towards me when he began seeing this girl - they supported him in wanting a divorce and in his new relationship - even though it was infidelity and even though I reached out to them about how devasted I was and asked them to try to talk to my husband about what he was doing. They didn't care and instead overtly supported him because it "made him happy". 

I felt, and still feel humiliated regarding how this girl basically just came and took my place in his life and in their family. They always called me family before, but I guess that was all just lip service as I didn't seem to mean anything to them when my ex decided he was done with me. I've seen recent Facebook postings by his extended family saying they miss this girl when she's not at their functions with my ex husband.

We have two children together who he does not call or see. He did not complete the court-ordered parenting classes he was assigned and has never arranged for a supervisor for visitations. And although we always stayed in touch before, his extended family has never called or contacted me in any way to find out how the children or myself are doing since the split. 

I come from a family where everyone has a pretty strong sense of obligation and responsibility and I just had no idea that things like this - people being SUPPORTIVE of a man commiting adultery and forcing his wife out of their home and then never seeing his children - were ever condoned by "normal" people (I'm referring to his extending family - they appeared pretty caring, intelligent and conscientious all thoughout our marriage and for that reason I have not been able to just write them off for their behavior - I feel like I'm missing something, that there must be something I've done or that they think I've done to deserve this).

Although I wish he was involved with the children, the idea of them potentially being around the woman he cheated on my with is unbearable. I would honestly rather they never see him again than allow her to play mommy to my children. (From what I understand this is considered abnormal/unhealthy and I need to just "get over it"?)

This tears me up so bad inside. I just can't get over it. I can't make sense of any of it. I feel like I'm invalidating all the pain and suffering I went though to just let it go without figuring out why things happened they way they did. I feel like I deserve an explanation, from whom, I don't know. So far I've been trying to figure it out myself and I've really gotten no where.

Also I've tried dating services and even went out to dinner with someone, but I always quickly pull away as I get so uncomfortable and just miss my husband terribly. The idea of being with someone else still feels "wrong" to me, but I'm so lonely, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.

If you have any thoughts I would like to know other's point of view of my situation, and if you've gone through anything similar please share what helped you feel better or move on.

Thank You


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

First of all Welcome to TAM. This board has helped me start to heal because you can vent out frustration and usually get very good advice from people that have already gone through similar situations.
I think maybe you should talk with a counselor so that you can start to get all those feelings released and hopefully start to heal.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Anon,
Your familial background sounds very close to mine, in terms of obligation and how valuable "family" is. I am watching my ex wife currently date other men and hope to be moving out within two weeks, which will bring an end to at least being physically around her and her craziness. I never knew how to bring myself to a point of understanding about any of it either. I found our about her EA (if not PA), confronted her, and she dropped the divorce bomb just as a tactic. How little it seems they have ultimately let things mean to them. I have no idea why things happened like they did. All I can gather, is that something inside my wife changed, and she committed the one thing she was always telling me never to do to her, and to let her know first if my heart was changing.
I too have had fifteen years worth of friends and her side of the family completely turn tail, support her in her infidelity, and attempt to give me the "it is, what it is" determination..
In the last year, I have had the worst thing happen to me, to the most important thing that remained in my life, and everyone is so extremely nonchalant about it all. 

So much of your story sounds close to mine, and I say that so you know that like many of us here on TAM we are all going thru hell in one way or another with it. Being the victim of infidelity and watching your family being torn apart is excruciating. 

I sure wish I knew how to cope. So far its been just trying to get to a point of moving forward, remembering how to worry about myself again and not be obligated to her, allowing myself to be okay in the face of these $%##$# @!##@[email protected]@rs is about the only recourse one has. 

You deserve better, thats for sure. Allow yourself to experience it. I keep having to remind myself that she is not the woman I married, and whether it be psychologically, or phisiologically, something in her has changed and theres nothing I can do about it. 
I know it sounds weak, against the years of "soulmate" talk and how much time and sacrifice was invested. But here we are. Posting on an anonymous forum, reaching out to hundreds of other people going thru the exact same thing as we are. 
Keep posting, share your thoughts, vent, rage, just like Shoeguy says, this place has been very helpful for me.


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## Anonymous1234 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thank you to both of you. 

Shoeguy - I should have included in my post that I have been to counseling, but I just don't find it helpful. I feel like the standard counseling procedure these days is just to tell every client they are right and justified in whatever perspective or feelings they have - there is some good to this, but it doesn't help me knowing that my ex, his girlfriend or one of his supportive family members would get the same unconditional validation if they were speaking to the same counselor. I feel like unconditional validation and pursuit of "whatever makes you happy" are the things that enabled my husband to do this to me without any negative consequences in his family, friends or job.... I just can't put my faith in those paradigms for that reason. But thanks for mentioning it. When I do go back I'll be sure to tell them what I just told you and maybe it will go a different direction than it has in the past. 

Shooboo, what is up with people being so nonchalant about divorce and infidelity? On the surface - as a society - the general public seems to be very much against it. I'm not sure where exactly I got that idea, probably television, news, family chit chat etc, but when it happens to someone in real life we're just supposed to "get over it" before it's even really sunk in and not let it slow us down one bit.



That cultural hypocrisy is really upsetting to me too. I keep trying to figure out a way to reconcile it all - why do we even still have marriage in our society if no one is really expected to stay together or even to put forth effort to reconcile when things go sour?

Hope you're doing well.


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## england 75 (Sep 13, 2011)

Although I was not married I went through something very similar some years ago and I totally relate to the despair and pain wondering what your ex is up to, it is something that only time can heal. However, I found two things to help, one was counseling and the other was dating again. I didn't find the love or a replacement but it helped me to move on and age is no longer an issue.

If you're an older person you could try a specific dating site for single parents or better still a mature dating site (link in text). You may just find friendship but it is about placing your mind onto a new track, you were on a route with your ex partner but he took a new direction and there is no law that says you can't do the same, the probability is this... his new relations hip may not work out, and if he sees or knows you are moving on there is a strong possibility he will want you back. At which point you will be back in the driving seat, and even if he does or doesn't you may not want him back later anyway. You could try this mature singles site or even this dating site link exchange for more ideas.

With children involved it is an additional stress for you and I don't blame you for not wanting the woman he cheated on you with to havce any contact, but ultimately the children still need their father, like it or not and you have to be selfless when it comes to children's welfare. They may resent you later if you keep them from seeing him on this basis.

I really hope you start to feel a little stronger, do you have close friends/family? Sometimes a relationship can cut you off from a previous life.


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## england 75 (Sep 13, 2011)

p.s. if you would like some tips on online dating pm me or ask here, my sister dated online for many years as a single mom and eventually found the love of her life who she married this year and touch wood they seem extremely happy after she went through a tough few years.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My heart breaks for you.

Everyone talks about "being happy" and that's such crap.

Commitment sometimes means you aren't "happy"...and happiness comes from within anyway.

I wish I had some magic words to help you, but I don't. Just know you aren't alone and people here can help.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You need to focus on you rather than on the other woman and your ex. What things do you like to do? Can you revive old interests that you may have let go during the marriage and parenthood? Are there any new hobbies that interest you? Can you volunteer at an animal shelter, Habitat for Humanity, church activities? Is there a club you can join? Recreation facility have activities?

Getting involved in activities is also a great way to meet new people. You will stop obsessing about the skank when you rebuild your self-esteem with positive actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anonymous, I am sorry.

Stop obsessing over her and him. I know it's hard but check it out--they both did you a favor. You don' tneed selfish people who are willing to destroy marriage and families in your life. 

Proceed with your life. It will and does get better. You can start by not c ontacting hima bout anything besides co-parenting issues. Get a new hobby, haircut, and underwewar. Go out with old friends. Cook your favorite meal. Smile at a hot guy. 

DO YOU!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anon, as one human to another, sorry for what you've been through. It is very disappointing to read how all those people who love you just cast you out of their life to appease their selfish and wayward family member. It is hard to believe how utterly cruel people can be, and often they don't even realize it, nor does it seem they are capable.

All I have to say is keep fighting for yourself. Detach yourself from your failed relationship with him. If he is not providing for his children than consult a lawyer and seek divorce and sole custody, and file for child support from him (the law doesn't permit him to just walk away from his legal duties).

I am only 5 months out from my separation, she left me the same way your H left you, though my ex has now been through several romances since leaving to pursue her affairs. Her family did not turn their back on me, and they know (only because I eventually told them) that she was unfaithful at the end of the marriage, even though she is the one that wanted the D, however her family is inevitably drifitng away and it is a very big loss.

I have only let her go because I decided I am not going to be second choice. Once I let go of that I've never felt any attraction to my ex whatsoever and was able to get out of that limbo. It still sucks, but at least her stupid decisions don't really have an impact on me (except in those ways that relate to out coparenting agreement).

Good luck, I hope you find yourself out of your personal h3ll soon. I know some of the counselors I've gone to had not really been helpful, I can't just talk through this - and so I've found a counselor that has started an actual therapy, mind-body awareness excercises that have helped me focus on, define and accept my own needs and it feels like it is getting me in the direction I need to go...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey, welcome. . .have a lot to say. . .some of this is in your control. . .some of it not admittedly. 

*A. The Extended Family Situation.*
I agree with you it seems odd. I think extended family doesn't often know what to do in times of divorce other than "support blood."

*B. The Other Woman Situation.*
That was perfectly normal to be "obsessed" with her at the beginning and that WILL wane over time. I became obsessed with the "other man" that entered my ex's life so soon. How long was it going on? Was there a PA? An EA? All natural. It will go away and just become one of those "unsolvable problems" you become content to not solve.

As far as the kids, you should try, just TRY, to entertain the idea that this woman could be "your replacement" in that if something ever unfortunately happens to you, well. . .you know.

In that, you just want a person who will be good to your kids. It was put that way to me simply by a woman I dated a couple of times and that's what eventually led me to a place of "peace" with that. I always remembered that.

It's very simple, but true. Over time, I became totally convinced this other guy would be a positive influence. It's hard though when you are kept in the dark. Is this person a creep? Is this person violent? You just don't know. But as you have good relationships with your children (and I think I do for the most part), they'll communicate with you.

You won't always be able to be there for your kids anyway, no matter how "Supermom" you are.

However, given your ex-husbands complete uninvolvement in your kid's lives. . .my advice holds little water.

I would say to get your husband involved, and this is where it is tricky, he needs to have it communicated to him how much his kids need him. Not that his ex-spouse needs this, ex-spouse needs that. . .but if he can hear, his kids NEED his father for at least this much, he may be more sympathetic.

Those sort of things always worked better at my heart.

That's all the advice I can think of off the top of my head. Good luck.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

It is horrible to go through something like this. You are in good company though. Lots of people have been on your path before you and lots will be on it in the future.

His family: You can not control them and can not change them and now see who they truly are and what they are made of

The other woman: She is nothing worth obsessing about. She isn't the reason he cheated and left you. His poor boundaries with the opposite gender are...he spent time alone with her and allowed a relationship to develop with her though he was a married man with children. He is slime. Forget about her and her part in the mess. 

Your children: Just let them know you love them. Love them when they are with you and allow Dad to see them should he ever choose to be part of their lives but don't fret too much over things you can not control (ex H)


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## Darrenlau (Sep 30, 2011)

Anonymous1234,

My heart and prayer goes out to you. For someone, who has gone through a dark period, I can say there is light at the end of the tunnel. That light is called hope. At one point, I had everything in my life too -- family, a home, money, etc. Then in a blink of an eye, it all changed. Although I am new to this website, I am glad to see that we're not alone and you're not alone. I wish there were simple words that can change everything for you. Let me share what has worked for me.. Friends, Family and Faith. Believe me, you will gain strength from all three. From what I can tell, you weren't replaced. You truly deserve better. Although I don't know you personally, I feel you have a big heart and a lot to offer someone. I hope you will find happiness again. I know you will. Don't feel a shame to reach out for help. Go to church. Get some counseling. Seek a friend. This is a big planet and someone is waiting for you to walk in their life. Have faith. Good luck.


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