# Advice to a neglected wife?



## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

We've been married 3.5 years now, both have kids from previous relationships, have a 1.5 yr old son together and I'm due in March with baby #3 (for me, 5 for him).

Since the day after our wedding I've struggled with the fact that he has no interest in spending quality time with me. His idea of quality time is watching Netflix (his shows ) while he falls asleep. Quality time is my "love language" if you've heard of the term, and he knows it.

He's a workaholic. And I admire what a hard worker he is, and how tirelessly he works to provide for our growing family - and I tell him this on occasion. But sometimes he is so out of balance.

Fast forward to this fall. He is working his regular job in addition to running his own business (a seasonal endeavor, and we are in the thick of it now). He's hired help this year so he's not "gone all the time" - his words, because he remembers my complaints from last year when he had no help. However, he's still very much gone all of the time, and the help he's hired is an old coworker, female, whom I've not been introduced to. They spend hours working alone together, nearly every evening until long after I've gone to bed (I'm pregnant and exhausted and so go to bed by 930/10pm). All he talks about now is their work, and how she'll feel if he takes more on, or how she'll feel with his progress without her. Seemingly innocuous stuff, I realize, but considering he isn't spending (and has rarely spent)any quality time with me, it feels like I hear a lot about her. I don't believe he's cheating, or that he would with her, but I get so angry at how interested he is in working with her and talking about her. Meanwhile I'm the lone ranger at home. Ugh. Advice anyone? Any suggestions to help me make it another month like this?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I️ completely disagree with the other reply. 

Your husband is knowingly neglecting your needs. It sounds like he’s having an emotional affair with this employee. He sounds infatuated with her; that must be unbearable for you to hear. 

I’d like to say more but I’m pressed for time. Hopefully others will see this and chime in; you need help and support!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You owe it to him to help him get it. He needs to know that this isn't cutting it for you. Not sure what that is but you got to do what it takes. Too many guys don't get this until it is too late.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> I don't know why he doesn't spend time with you. *Are you interesting? What's interesting about you?* What stimulating things would be going on in your time together? It has to be at least as interesting as work and business. Just being his wife doesn't make you stimulating or interesting. *So, in what way are you more interesting than a piece of toast? *Yes. The two of you need time together. But unless there's some reason to want to, it's not going to happen. And that ends up with the two of you just being roommates and sexual surrogates. I have a feeling, but have no information provided to confirm it, that this is the classic old story of not paying attention to each other and the relationship. If so, that takes frank agreement that it's a problem and agreement on what to do about it. And if you had nothing to cite as why you're interesting or were going to use the "I'm pregnant and a mom and tired" excuse, you're going to lose, because being interesting, even fascinating, doesn't take physical effort.


Strange questions. Certainly ones he presumably would have known the answers to before he married her, and ones for which he would have thought the answer was satisfactory before he proposed.

Men often complain about women pulling the bait and switch with sex; what seems to be as common but gets less airplay is men pulling back on the attention after the rings are on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I cannot say that he is having an Emotional Affair.
I can say that he is avoiding his homework, it shows... shows that he does not care.

Being with her, this darling, is easy work, not busy work.

At home is Mom and the Kids, the demands on his time. 
At home he is monitored and driven by other minds, other hands.

At work, he is riding the ebb, rolling with the flow. Listening to his feminine helper, this quaint, drama-less tart.
Instead of being abed in his abode, at home with his kids, listening to their laughs, and listening to his wifes's heart.

What is there to say?
What can I say on this?

Helper philly needs to go.
He needs to come home.

Home needs to be more calm. One that he is at peace with.

Yeah, sure....
Find a home like that with young kids running everywhere. A pregnant wife who needs her man.
Needs her man more the than the Green Paper, that he covets.
And hopefully only that, that he covets.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> I don't know why he doesn't spend time with you. Are you interesting? What's interesting about you? What stimulating things would be going on in your time together? It has to be at least as interesting as work and business. Just being his wife doesn't make you stimulating or interesting. So, in what way are you more interesting than a piece of toast? Yes. The two of you need time together. But unless there's some reason to want to, it's not going to happen. And that ends up with the two of you just being roommates and sexual surrogates. I have a feeling, but have no information provided to confirm it, that this is the classic old story of not paying attention to each other and the relationship. If so, that takes frank agreement that it's a problem and agreement on what to do about it. And if you had nothing to cite as why you're interesting or were going to use the "I'm pregnant and a mom and tired" excuse, you're going to lose, because being interesting, even fascinating, doesn't take physical effort.


Thanks so much for your response. I hope that me being me (presumably the woman he fell in love with, and committed the rest of his life to) is enough to cause him to want to be with me. I am not about to start jumping through hoops to entertain a man because he's bored. Ain't nobody got time for that. And if that's the case, I feel our marriage is doomed. 

Now, I take an interest in his interests and hobbies, to a point. He shares with me often about what is going on in his life. But there is a limit to my participation because he shows absolutely no interest (and I'm not exaggerating) to ANYTHING that goes on in my life. It's hard to be infatuated with things I know little about when the effort is not in the least reciprocated. That speaks of either oblivion or selfishness, or both. Beyond him sharing his stuff, our conversations consist of childcare logistics and finances/bills. So I totally understand where you're going regarding the "toast" comment. But that street goes both ways as well...except it seems I'm the only one traveling it.

And, for the record, your comment regarding "roommates and sexual surrogates" is painfully true from my perspective. But have a chat with him, and everything is all good. So I'm really having a hard time imagining how it is my responsibility to captivate my husband so he'll spend time with me. As if it's all not one-sided enough. Hopefully this all makes sense! Thanks again for your response - it prompted a lot of thought on my end 👍.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

veganmermaid said:


> I️ completely disagree with the other reply.
> 
> Your husband is knowingly neglecting your needs. It sounds like he’s having an emotional affair with this employee. He sounds infatuated with her; that must be unbearable for you to hear.


Thank you for your empathy - I so appreciate it.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You owe it to him to help him get it. He needs to know that this isn't cutting it for you. Not sure what that is but you got to do what it takes. Too many guys don't get this until it is too late.


I've told him a few times that this isn't cutting it. I just believe that if he's not made any efforts to change yet, it's because he doesn't want to make those efforts - probably because he doesn't believe it's really a problem, or that it shouldn't be a problem. But aside from telling him it is, I'm not sure what else to try to help him get it. I get so weary talking to a brick wall. So I've stopped. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different outcome.... And I'm not insane...yet. 😂


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Strange questions. Certainly ones he presumably would have known the answers to before he married her, and ones for which he would have thought the answer was satisfactory before he proposed.
> 
> Men often complain about women pulling the bait and switch with sex; what seems to be as common but gets less airplay is men pulling back on the attention after the rings are on.


Thanks so much for your response. I thought those things as well.

As to your other comment, I have not pulled the bait and switch in the sex department. I often have a higher drive than he. However, that tends to change when I'm pregnant - and I'm afraid it is true this time around (I'm 22 weeks now). I honestly feel bad I'm not as interested, but I've assured him many times that it's not him, it's how gross and awful I feel. 
And i expect my husband to be understanding of that, given the nature of our current season of life. His lack of attention to me is a very longstanding issue, so I can't make an equation where his lack of meeting my needs is in retaliation for my lack of meeting his. I wish I could.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> I cannot say that he is having an Emotional Affair.
> I can say that he is avoiding his homework, it shows... shows that he does not care.
> 
> Being with her, this darling, is easy work, not busy work.
> ...


Thank you so much for your response. I agree. And really, I can understand how it's easier to spend quality time elsewhere, with other people, that do not demand so much as the wife and kids. But, if that's the stuff of which he's made, i guess I'd rather go it alone. I truly do my best to keep the home and children in order, so he doesn't feel he's stepping into chaos. Meals are usually prepared, house is clean, kids are (mostly) well-behaved. I fulfill my home responsibilities in addition to those of my business, so the load of financially providing doesn't solely rest on his shoulders. And one of his needs he has voiced to me is some time to himself at the end of the work day. Most of the time I respect that - I rarely require anything of him at that point in the day, it's all been handled.

Thanks again for your comment. I appreciate the empathy a ton.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Boy does this sound familiar.

How many hours a week does your husband work at his normal job?

How many hours a week does he work at this company he has?

It sounds like your husband is having at least an emotional affair... which can be even more damaging than a physical affair.

Why have you never met this woman? What has kept you from dropping in on him when he is working with this woman? Why not stop by and bring him dinner, or a snack. Shoot brings all the kids as well. And do it often.

Besides making sure that you meet this woman and visit his business often, I think your first line of action needs to be to find out the extent of their relationship.

Have you checked your husband's cell phone bills to see if he was talking/texting this woman a lot before she started working for him at his business? Might be worth checking.

Does he call and/or text her a lot while he is at home with you?

Does he have a password on his cell phone?

I would also get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it up under the driver seat of his car using adhesive backed Velcro. A lot of people who cheat use their car as a private phone booth while driving around.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

KM87 said:


> Thanks so much for your response. I hope that me being me (presumably the woman he fell in love with, and committed the rest of his life to) is enough to cause him to want to be with me. I am not about to start jumping through hoops to entertain a man because he's bored. Ain't nobody got time for that. And if that's the case, I feel our marriage is doomed.
> 
> Now, I take an interest in his interests and hobbies, to a point. He shares with me often about what is going on in his life. But there is a limit to my participation because he shows absolutely no interest (and I'm not exaggerating) to ANYTHING that goes on in my life. It's hard to be infatuated with things I know little about when the effort is not in the least reciprocated. That speaks of either oblivion or selfishness, or both. Beyond him sharing his stuff, our conversations consist of childcare logistics and finances/bills. So I totally understand where you're going regarding the "toast" comment. But that street goes both ways as well...except it seems I'm the only one traveling it.
> 
> And, for the record, your comment regarding "roommates and sexual surrogates" is painfully true from my perspective. But have a chat with him, and everything is all good. So I'm really having a hard time imagining how it is my responsibility to captivate my husband so he'll spend time with me. As if it's all not one-sided enough. Hopefully this all makes sense! Thanks again for your response - it prompted a lot of thought on my end 👍.


I really liked this poster's response, too. I say that as a wife who got bored by her husband not long ago, even though the poor guy didn't really change. I just started to find him extremely dull. Being my husband just wasn't good enough. Sometimes, depending on the phase we're in, you don't have to do anything wrong to do anything wrong. Does that make sense? You're pregnant. There is an entire circus of kids at home. He's probably happier not being there. (Honestly, that place sounds scary, lol.) So, I get why he's spending so much time away. He's also a workaholic so I don't see his behaviour as particularly suspicious. Not yet, anyway.

I think you need to tell him like it is.
:Listen, I know its a ****ing zoo around here. I'm pregnant and emotional and between me and the kids there's probably always someone wanting something from you. But you're a man. A husband. A father. This is your lot. We need you here. If there's anything I can to do make home a happier place for you, please let me know and I'll do it. I won't tolerate you not being here. I won't tolerate you being happier away from home. I respect your work ethic, but this is your family."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KM87 said:


> Thank you so much for your response. I agree. And *really, I can understand how it's easier to spend quality time elsewhere, with other people, that do not demand so much as the wife and kids.* But, if that's the stuff of which he's made, i guess I'd rather go it alone. I truly do my best to keep the home and children in order, so he doesn't feel he's stepping into chaos. Meals are usually prepared, house is clean, kids are (mostly) well-behaved. I fulfill my home responsibilities in addition to those of my business, so the load of financially providing doesn't solely rest on his shoulders. And one of his needs he has voiced to me is some time to himself at the end of the work day. Most of the time I respect that - I rarely require anything of him at that point in the day, it's all been handled.
> 
> Thanks again for your comment. I appreciate the empathy a ton.


How many hours a week do you work at your business?

From what you originally posted, it sounds like he did not have this problem until the day you married. Then suddenly he did not want to spend time with you.

How many days a week do his other children spend at your home? When they are at your home, are you the one who takes care of them?

How old are his children and your children?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

KM87 said:


> We've been married 3.5 years now, both have kids from previous relationships, have a 1.5 yr old son together and I'm due in March with baby #3 (for me, 5 for him).
> 
> Since the day after our wedding I've struggled with the fact that he has no interest in spending quality time with me. His idea of quality time is watching Netflix (his shows ) while he falls asleep. Quality time is my "love language" if you've heard of the term, and he knows it.
> 
> ...



Your H appears to be working on an EA. New female worker needs to go.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Boy does this sound familiar.
> 
> How many hours a week does your husband work at his normal job?
> 
> ...


He works 40-50 hrs at his normal job, and whatever it takes at his shop. He's in the midst of his busy season - current schedule goes like this: 4 or 5 am at normal job. Works til 3 or 4pm, commutes home (30 min). At the shop by 4 or 5 pm, works til 10pm (or later, depending upon how much work he has). Rinse and repeat. Everyday. The days he's off from his normal job, he'll sleep in, want a nice breakfast, and then leave for the shop. Won't be home til 10pm or later again.

I met this woman once. She was quite standoffish to me - didn't have more than two words to say to me.

Cell phone bills/usage seem to agree with my expectations. He was not in contact with her prior to asking her to work for him. He contacted her via social media becausehe didn't have any other contact information. His phone does have a password, but I know it. He does seem to be on his phone much more these days than he ever was before, and I keep hoping it's my paranoia, but he's more secretive about it too.

I just hate the thought of having to stop by all of the time to check in on things. I guess I feel if I have to do that, then trust is irreparably broken and I can't live the rest of my life like that. I honestly don't believe anything physical is going on at all. But I am much more concerned about the emotional side of things. He spends so much more time with her than me. Of course they talk. Of course he shares things. I just can't help but believe if the situation we're reversed, he wouldn't be ok with me being that much closer to another man than him.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do you work at your business?
> 
> From what you originally posted, it sounds like he did not have this problem until the day you married. Then suddenly he did not want to spend time with you.
> 
> ...


I work a few hours every afternoon. He watches the kids two of those days, and I work from home the other three, so I've hired a sitter to be here and help.

He absolutely did not have trouble spending time with me before we were married. But the day after the wedding, no joke, it was as if a switch was flipped. He suddenly felt no need to keep up those pretenses. 

All of the children here full time are mine (My 6-yr-old daughter) or ours (1.5 yr old son). He has one from a previous marriage that stays with us every other weekend (11 yrs old).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KM87 said:


> I work a few hours every afternoon. He watches the kids two of those days, and I work from home the other three, so I've hired a sitter to be here and help.
> 
> He absolutely did not have trouble spending time with me before we were married. But the day after the wedding, no joke, it was as if a switch was flipped. He suddenly felt no need to keep up those pretenses.
> 
> All of the children here full time are mine (My 6-yr-old daughter) or ours (1.5 yr old son). He has one from a previous marriage that stays with us every other weekend (11 yrs old).


Until you know what is really going on, I'm sure it's a bit hard for you to know what you want to do. But maybe you can start with what you know for a fact.

You know for a fact that your husband does not care enough to spend time with you. So, based on that alone, what do you want to do? There are things you could do to try to turn this around. But I think you would also be justified in filing for divorce. How much longer are you willing to stay in this marriage based on this one thing?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> You owe it to him to help him get it. He needs to know that this isn't cutting it for you. Not sure what that is but you got to do what it takes. Too many guys don't get this until it is too late.


And then they come here whining that their wife is a "Walk Away Wife" and that they have no idea why she left without as much as a hint.

Eventually they realized that she had been telling them she was unhappy with the status quo, and that they just thought she was a nag.

OP, have a serious heart to heart with your husband telling him how you feel, what he needs to do to help you not feel neglected and how long you are going to stay in a marriage in which you feel neglected.

After that, start getting your ducks in a row, because he is not going to believe you until he sees that you are planning a future life without him. When he finally believes you, it may be too late (for him the marriage he was neglecting.)


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

KM87 said:


> Thanks so much for your response. I thought those things as well.
> 
> As to your other comment, I have not pulled the bait and switch in the sex department. I often have a higher drive than he. However, that tends to change when I'm pregnant - and I'm afraid it is true this time around (I'm 22 weeks now). I honestly feel bad I'm not as interested, but I've assured him many times that it's not him, it's how gross and awful I feel.
> And i expect my husband to be understanding of that, given the nature of our current season of life. His lack of attention to me is a very longstanding issue, so I can't make an equation where his lack of meeting my needs is in retaliation for my lack of meeting his. I wish I could.


My comment wasn't meant to imply you had pulled a bait and switch; if anything I was leading the opposite way. Most of all though, it was meant as a general response to the other poster who was laying blame on you without basis... and acknowledging that even if there is "bait and switch," men can be as bad, or worse, about it than women. They stop the romance, dating, and emotional support. They want regular milk, so they buy the cow... but then they don't feed the cow? 

You say the lack of attention is long-standing. Did it precede your marriage? 

For many women, pregnancy changes everything. I would never accuse bait and switch on a pregnant woman. That extends well beyond childbirth, especially if breastfeeding. * You have nothing to feel bad about. * 
_
Honestly, men need a lot more education/information/counseling when their wives go through the reproductive process. _


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> And then they come here whining that their wife is a "Walk Away Wife" and that they have no idea why she left without as much as a hint.
> 
> Eventually they realized that she had been telling them she was unhappy with the status quo, and that they just thought she was a nag.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I know we need to have a heart to heart about it. But I've done that before to no more avail than a very temporary change. I just get frustrated having the same conversation over and over. And really, if it's always the same conversation/same temporary outcome, I can understand why men feel blindsided when their wives do finally leave. Only she can tell when she's come to the very last straw. But thank you for your comment - I know I have work to do.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> My comment wasn't meant to imply you had pulled a bait and switch; if anything I was leading the opposite way. Most of all though, it was meant as a general response to the other poster who was laying blame on you without basis... and acknowledging that even if there is "bait and switch," men can be as bad, or worse, about it than women. They stop the romance, dating, and emotional support. They want regular milk, so they buy the cow... but then they don't feed the cow?
> 
> You say the lack of attention is long-standing. Did it precede your marriage?
> 
> ...


Thank you for that! Haha this cow is starving 😂.

And no, he checked out the day after the wedding. All through our dating, he was wonderful about making me a priority, no matter what. I think that's why this is so hard to deal with. If I felt then the way I feel now, I wouldn't have married him, and would have had no trouble ending the relationship. 

Interesting the ol' bait and switch comes up here - that's exactly how I felt in the weeks/months proceeding the wedding. But then you get used to the status quo and only when pressure builds over the years you start to wonder if you've done something to cause it.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Until you know what is really going on, I'm sure it's a bit hard for you to know what you want to do. But maybe you can start with what you know for a fact.
> 
> You know for a fact that your husband does not care enough to spend time with you. So, based on that alone, what do you want to do? There are things you could do to try to turn this around. But I think you would also be justified in filing for divorce. How much longer are you willing to stay in this marriage based on this one thing?


Good advice. Thank you. All I really can go on is what I know - about him and about me. Gives me something to ponder -
exactly what am I going to do, knowing what I know.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

KM87 said:


> Thank you for your advice. I know we need to have a heart to heart about it. But I've done that before to no more avail than a very temporary change. I just get frustrated having the same conversation over and over. And really, if it's always the same conversation/same temporary outcome, I can understand why men feel blindsided when their wives do finally leave. Only she can tell when she's come to the very last straw. But thank you for your comment - I know I have work to do.


You've already told him how you feel, so no need to do it again. Start thinking about what you want your life to look like (without him) and start getting your affairs in order to make that happen.

I don't remember, do you have children?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband treats your home as a hotel and you are the on-call prostitute, maid and babysitter. Stop getting pregnant with this guy. 

The next time his kid comes for the weekend, tell him to take the child to his job with his new girlfriend.

Next, take the classifieds and circle several 'apartment for rent' ads and leave them where he can't miss them. Stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. When he starts in about the girlfriend, tell him you're not interested. And, stop having sex with him.

You need to shake-up his little self-entitled world. Is this the same behavior that led to his last divorce?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> You've already told him how you feel, so no need to do it again. Start thinking about what you want your life to look like (without him) and start getting your affairs in order to make that happen.
> 
> I don't remember, do you have children?


I hope you don't do this. But I would consider setting a firm boundary. See an attorney on a free consultation and have paperwork ready for your husband to see. Let him know you are leaving him because of his neglect. Share your concerns about the emotional affair also. Even if he isn't having one he is giving her his best and you bread crumbs. Don't nag, but have a serious proactive conversation where you lay your cards all on the table and you let him know this is is how it is going to be or I am leaving you.

The point is, jolt him. Give him an ultimatum. Give up your side business or give up me. Nurture our relationship AND KEEP NURTURING IT or I am out. Let him know that these papers are ready for filing at moments notice and they will ALWAYS be at the ready. 

Don't let resentment dictate your life. Don't let your pride get in the way of your vows. Your resentment is understandable, but men need a big kick in the a$$ sometimes to get them moving back in the right direction. Give the nuclear ultimatum instead. Then read the books His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters together so that he can learn how to be better husband. 

I wish you the best...


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