# 1 month and counting



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hello a newbie here,

It's been 1 month since we separated and maybe will divorce, lots of fights and explosive temper that brought us to this point. We have been together for 4 years already  

I have to agree that we both were at fault, we separated four months last year but back then, the only thing we did to work on the marriage was to treat us better instead of working on our personal and marriage issues and we ended up separating again 6 months later. Sadly, we still love each other but we couldn't stop the disagreements and constant fighting. We tried counseling for 1 month but didn't give it too much credit because we "trusted" on our own will to change and that was a total mistake as you can see. We are really proud individuals, independent and self-achievers and sometimes is hard for both to ask for help.

I love her with all my heart and I don't want to get divorced, she is my love, my wife after all. I even started going to counseling the next day we separated because I knew that I needed to work on myself if I ever wanted to reconcile and for the marriage to work or if it wasn't meant to be it'd help me in the future. 

The first days after the separation, I truly believed that the only thing she was waiting before filing was for some financial issues to be resolved at the beginning of May. She wasn't, last week she confided to me that she was not sure about divorcing and wanted to wait some months. I let her know that I wanted to reconcile but that also I was going to give her time since I wasn't ready to either divorce or getting back together since I was working on myself. 

I was relieved to hear her say that because I felt in limbo just waiting to get served. However, she made sure to clarify that she didn't want to give me false hopes, she was still thinking about divorce, and going on with her life but at the same time she couldn't imagine her life without me and our marriage as a failure. She said she was at peace right now, happy. I don't know what to think about this? at some point I just feel that after some time wounds will heal and we will be able reconcile. Of course I am going to give her time, btw I am not being needy, nor calling her every day, she needs peace I am giving it to her and every time she has needed me I've been there for her. 

That's our story, any insight or words of wisdom would be great in this time of sorrow, and sorry for the lengthy post. 

Thanks!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

She is keeping you in limbo because she doesn't know what she wants....I would bet there is another man involved in her life in some way. 
Some women are like monkeys...they will not let go of one branch untill they have a firm grasp of another.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Not a chance, she is one of the most honest persons i know. I agree on the part that says that she doesnt know what she wants though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## juliana (Mar 5, 2010)

Hi, 
First I want to tell you that I so sorry about your situation with your wife. You say your wife is your love and and your life but yet you don't change and don't address the problems that you know are there. Also, there is pattern from what you wrote that you guys separate when things go bad. That to me is risking your marriage bc you are allowing each other too much space to live life without each other and curiosity can arise. I am not saying that your wife is doing anything she shouldn't but you both are allowing each other too much space. Sometimes separation is good and it actually works but you guys are like back and forth and that is not healthy. I think that you need to focus on yourself and address your issues and improve yourself and then if reconciliation occurs you guys need to focus on the goal and do it right. I am sure a good person and you are not perfect, no one is. I don't believe in divorce and I think that divorce is just the easy way out. I think that you going to counseling is a great thing and it will help you either way. I am sure you have not changed whatever it is about you that affects your marriage bc you don't want to but bc you don't know how to and the only one that can help find the to change is God. Sometimes we turn to family, friends, therapist and we forget God. I don't want to come across as if I am throwing religion in your face and I don't know what you believe in but we turn to everyone for help or answers and leave God last. I think you and your wife have a good chance to get through this BIG stone life has put in front of you but you need to place your life, her life and your marriage in God's hands and have faith that he will bring you back together and be better individuals for each other. I know it's hard bc I am in the same situation except that my husband disappeared 4 months ago and is living his life and having a blast while I am here suffering and paying for his mistakes and he doesn't care but that's okay bc if he serves me I know I tried to the end to safe my marriage and I will not be the one living with regrets. There are days when I feel like I don't want to live and that is when my faith is tested and when this happened to me I got angry at God and I blamed him and I turned to everyone but him and no one could bring peace to my heart. I finally have realized that God is the only one who can bring me back to life and bring peace to my heart and take all this hopelessness and sadness that I feel in my heart. I think you too love each other and that it can work out in the end but you really need to address your issues in order for your marriage to work. I will pray for you, your wife and your marriage. I wish you the best and God bless.
Juliana.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you so much for your sincere response, 

I agree with everything you say, I need to address all those issues before I can think about reconciliation. A man doesn't not change in 1 month, but I am working on it, even now more than ever. 

The first time we separated, we were so sure we were going to move back that in a way we forgot about our issues, we just enjoyed the courtship and the happiness of treating us better, and was immature and premature to move back. Now I realize that I wasn't taking marriage seriously, at times I even thought about divorce as something possible, I used to say "everybody divorces" and like you say, it was the easy way out. 

I see the reason why people marry 2, 3, 4, 5 times, because they cannot make a commitment to anybody but to themselves and they see marriage as a formal relationship not like a sacred union. 

Thank you again for listening and for saying all those words of support, they really hit home and thank you for your prayers believe me I am praying too, and I am not a religious man. Suffering this way can turn a man's life around, and I am grateful at the end.


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## juliana (Mar 5, 2010)

stbxhmaybe,
Hope you are feeling a little better today. I am happy that I was able to help you a little bit. A good suggestion I have for you is to read self-improvement books and marriage books. I go to Barnes and Noble and I read them and they have really good points and advice. Believe me I don't like to read. I only for school and that's bc I have to. Since my situation though I have found that reading those books it has helped to aknowledge lots of things and learn others and plus it takes your mind away from the problems. You said you are not a religious man and that's okay. I love to go to church on Sunday's but I also don't believe that you need to go to church to talk, pray or have God in life. As long as you aknowledge him and pray to him he hears you and he knows you and what your heart feels ans desires. He is there and don't forget he loves marriage an reconceliation and doesn't like divorce. Take care.
Juliana.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I do the same thing! haha  I have been going to B&N since we separated, I buy a tea and sit there for hours reading self-help books; it has changed a great way my look at life. I don't like to read to much also just for school. Somehow those books get me, the point here is to learn from our past mistakes and avoid doing them again. 

That's the reason why I am grateful to life and her, because of this situation I am able to better myself through this. If we would've gotten back together, I wouldn't have suffered this much and much less working on myself.

Thank you so much for your words, we are not alone in this and hopefully better times will come along. I also offer you my help, and I pray for your wellbeing.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

One of the things you learned when separated the first time is that you still enjoy each other, and that's a good thing. 

Is she working on her issues? Learning to be a happier person on your own (and on her own) is a step in the right direction, b/c neither of you will then be willing to settle for less when together, and you will both have the courage to insist on being treated better, which will help you make the transition from being good-to-each-other-apart to being good together. 

Good luck.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Yeah we did, we started the process and it was working, we did not fight about the stupid stuff anymore but about serious stuff.

I am planning to ask her to meet in 2 weeks to talk about everything I have realized due to counseling and soul searching. I have learned a lot about myself and why I reacted the way I reacted. Still, this meeting is not intended to reconcile of push her to come up with a decision but to share with her my thoughts and show her that my actions speak louder than my words. 

I feel better about myself and I am starting to be more mature. Btw I am just 27, we both had made stupid and immature mistakes throughout our life together but just because it wasn't just my fault, I played a part in all of this: our relationship, work, school and friends frustrations turned me into an angry person. Sadly, she had to endure my frustration and anger these past months. I had depression due to changes in my workplace, and bad luck trying to find a new job amongst other things and her patience ran out. Since then, I have realized that things were fine the way they were and everything that was going on wasn't the end of the world, if I wanted i could've been happy but humans sometimes are blind. 

Anyway time will tell...


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## juliana (Mar 5, 2010)

stbxhmaybe,
That is so funny that you go to B&N and do the same thing. We are Nerds. Is nice to see that you accept your mistakes and you are trying to work on your marriage. You are 27 y/o and in college? that's nice. My husband is 28 y/o and in college too, but college life and hanging out with 20-21 y/o, drinking, smoking pot is better than me. I wish he had your maturity level and was different and willing to do what you are doing for your wife and your marriage. I am happy to hear you say that you wanna try to work things out. I am sure your wife is doing the same thing and you both will get back together and it will be great. Thank you for your prayer.
Juliana


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you for your words 

Yeah, I know but that's the least we can do, read to understand the human mind. Like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and wiser for what's coming. She deserves it and I deserve it. 

Yeah, I'm 27 and in grad school.

The only thing we can do is to wait and let go with love, if it's meant to be it will be and be at peace with each other.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I have a question for you girls, 

It's been a week that we have not spoken on the phone, we have emailed us back a forth on Wednesday but just just to talk about non-sentimental stuff. How much is too much contact? I just don't want to keep contacting her because she asked me for time and space. It's been just 1 month since we separated, not a long time but for you girls in this forum, if you needed time to think about the relationship, would it be helpful to hear about your husband or is preferable to have no contact (no I miss you, no I'm thinking about you, no talking about). 

I am planning to ask her if it would be OK to meet next week to talk about all I have learned in counseling, we haven't seen each other in a month. 

I just want to get your opinion, 

Thanks!


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## firetruckred (Apr 25, 2010)

stbxhmaybe,

I think only you can know how much contact is too much. My wife and I have been separated for 2 months and she was the one that left me. I find myself in your shoes where I am going to counseling, reading a lot of books and really coming to understand myself better and as I do so I want nothing more than to share that with my wife, but really she doesn't care right now. She's still angry and hurting which is why she left in the first place. We haven't spoken on the phone in 3 weeks and I can't honestly say when we will talk again. I need to give her the space she needs and has asked for. You'll know when you do speak with her or email her if it is too much. You'll hear it in her voice that she's not interested in talking to you and if you get the feeling make the conversation short and wait a week. It's the hardest thing I've had to do.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

thank you for your advice and like you say, right now it's too soon, I already found out through her, it's ok at least I know now and believe me will not try to do things otherwise. 

It's amazing how in a couple of days, somebody's mood can change or even the perception of the situation. Now that I read my own question I would be able to answer it. I was really troubled that day, anxious, but I am at peace right now. 

Letting everything in the hands of god is the best thing, I am already working on myself, and at the end, she isn't even ready for divorce, that says a lot. Not everything is lost and I am happy for that.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

It sounds like you have came a long way I hope that I can do the same. It sounds like you guys have a really good chance at getting back together even if it will be a long process.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

If you don't mind me asking how long did you wait to write the letter? I was doing the love dare for well....9 days before he left. I was going pretty well I thought but I guess I was wrong. He told me he was having a hard time with the way I was acting and didn't know if it was sincere and was having a hard time getting back into it. 

You are very right about walking away with confidence that you did everything you could. I was in the wrong and probably started fighting way to late. I was the one that told him to leave(several times) and when I realized what I had did I tried to change it all. I have said to him several times that I didn't want him to leave I wanted to work on it and it makes him really upset/mad. I think he feels like I am turning it around on him.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I waited 3 weeks, but depends from person to person. A letter should NOT be a cry for help or desperation but a sincere letter of what you have realized and about your feelings. 

You will know when the time is right, when your head is clear of any separation anxiety but instead full of what you have learned so far in this time of separation. 

Sending it 2 days after the separation will only make things worse. We do not think clearly, we want to fix everything in a matter of days and that is not possible. As time goes by, we become more aware and are less stressed, we can think more clearly.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Oh no I wasn't going to send it now LOL it would probably make me look like a nut case! In your letter did you put that you wanted her back but respected if she didn't want to come or did you just leave it with what you had learned.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I told her that I wanted to reconcile, that I loved her, that I wasn't expecting a response anytime soon and would respect her decision. 

I told her everything I was doing to work on myself, she responded that she needed time that she didn't want to give me false hopes but that at the same time she wasn't ready for divorce.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I have a question, 

My wife will be graduating from college and since so far there hasn't been a real conversation about what's going to happen because she needs time and space, we haven't even spoken about me attending her commencement ceremony or anything. I mean she said it wasn't even OK with her to talk on the phone, for the moment. She is still really hurt and she said she was focusing on school and work, I guess the idea of thinking about our marriage still hurts to even think about it or even talk to me. She needs to be by herself now. I pretty much sense that she has cut me off from her life for now.

Do you think I should go? or just send her flowers? When it comes to our own situation sometimes is really hard to make a decision. I would not even bother her for anything else but this is her college graduation  

Thank you so much!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Stbxhmaybe,

Do what will make you happy without expectations of anything in return. Not even a thank you from her. If you do this, then there is no problem. Cause you choose to do it from love and not out of obligation.

Just my two cents.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Ok, I will think about it. Seeing her will hurt me so much, it's been 1 month and a half that we haven't seen each other. Few phone conversations, and emails but I don't know how I am going to react by seeing her. I've come a long way since we separated, I have kind of started living my life and recovered as much as I could and I just don't want to fall into that deep hole i used to be at the beginning. 

She hasn't shown any interest on me attending and that's why I wouldn't feel ok by going unannounced.

Thanks for your comments.


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