# Being with someone who has been cheated on...



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

This is so unbelievably true! I have been cheated on and this is exactly how I feel!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i've been through all of this.


trying to guess if her constantly talking about this guy meant she had a thing for him (yes, and they did have sex).

waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat thinking if she was actually with him and what they were doing (mind movies).

constantly wondering if her moodiness meant she was thinking about someone else (yes, her ex, and sometimes the guy that told her she was hot).

torturing myself wondering if her girls outing was more than a 'girls' outing (never did find out for sure, but i can only imagine, and it's not good).


all of this put me on guard for the rest of my dating life, but fortunately i've recovered.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I do agree with this and believe a lot of people who have been cheated on feel this way. However, if feelings are still so visceral, I think it makes sense to take some time to sort these feelings out before dating someone else. The new person should "pay" as little as possible for the sins of the person you were with before them.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

5Creed said:


> I do agree with this and believe a lot of people who have been cheated on feel this way. However, if feelings are still so visceral, I think it makes sense to take some time to sort these feelings out before dating someone else. The new person should "pay" as little as possible for the sins of the person you were with before them.


absolutely, and that's why i disagree so much with advice sometimes given when a wife/husband is cheated on to 'go out there and do some dating', or 'find a hot chick' so salve the hurting. big mistake.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

While there is some truth to this with the experience of being cheated on, I refuse to let it define me or my future relationships. If I had to ask for special consideration from a future partner because of my STBXW betrayals, I will have failed at that. IMO if you are still hung up on this, its better to give it more time before getting in another relationship.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

5Creed said:


> I do agree with this and believe a lot of people who have been cheated on feel this way. However, if feelings are still so visceral, I think it makes sense to take some time to sort these feelings out before dating someone else. The new person should "pay" as little as possible for the sins of the person you were with before them.


I agree that you should take some time sorting it out.

However, sometimes, when you've been cheated on -- it leaves scars for life. Sometimes decades later, **** comes out that will surprise you.

Something I don't think cheaters understand.

It really is emotionally traumatic and abusive.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

These things also happen when your spouse comes home and says they want to D when there wasnt any prior discussion's so you didn't think there was anything wrong. I know I have a couple of the things listed.


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## Workingmylifeaway (Apr 12, 2016)

Ha take time I'm so f,up from what my ex of 15 years did to me I have no family because she fe,d them from brother to uncles to cousins 5 years after breakup I can't have a decent relationship I catch them in a lie and I drop them


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

After my fiancée cheated on me, I felt like crap for a long time. But I never let it influence my interaction with other women. In fact, I met my wife only a couple of years later and have never needed extra validation and don't feel the need to snoop. We have a 100 percent open policy so it's really not an issue, but I just realize that some people are wired to cheat and some are not.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

With me it's one and out. If she cheats, she's gone and if I cheat I deserve the same. Be damned if I'll have anything like that hanging over my head and still trying to function day to day with all the other hassles life throws at you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ihatethis said:


> This is so unbelievably true! I have been cheated on and this is exactly how I feel!


I don't buy into this at all...

I have NEVER held anyone else responsible for the actions of my ex other than my ex. A defective person is not equal to a defective gender.

Nor have I mistrusted any of the girlfriends I have had since. I had no reason too but that's not to say I am not mindful of red flags.

If you let someone's actions affect your future relationships then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Period.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Because both of my XW's cheated on me, it's going to take a long time for me to trust again. After the first XWW cheated I thought...OK, this is just an anomaly, and a year later, I was over it. After the second XWW cheated, I was devastated. It's been over 3 years since the divorce and i'm still broken. If I only had to deal with betrayal like this once in my life, I would be in a much better, and more recoverable place now. 

As a result of my experiences, I don't date because when I do, all I see are red flags. My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I also realize that no one would be patient enough to deal with me and I also know it wouldn't be fair to them.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I was in same position but I decided against another relationship. I was such a mess so I went out and had my "UNI life back",you know lots of dates,girls and never asked any questions.

After some period of time I saw this is not the life I wanted to have. This is living from day to day and trying to put my anger,pain or whatever else behind me. Literally I was working until 15h then going out and making fool of myself. Didnt trust anyone. How could I,my own mother betrayed me,my fiance did it too. Didnt trust a single word from my brother,sisters,father and especially those bar girls. Lost hope,stopped beliving in God,you named it I was there and that. 
Then my boss tells me I have to go to another country and work there. That was a crucial point in my life. Met a nice Lady and she changed my life again. Sometimes I even laugh about it,because one of them destroyed me and I tell myself never again. After some time "she" brings me back to life. I cant write about things I went through,even my therapist tells me I am strong person but I didnt belive her. I almost ruined my life for what!!! I was really weak and I let others to use me because I wanted to be a nice guy. I wanted them to speak good things about me but it this proces I forget about me and what I need. All I need is someone to push me forward,sometimes even listen to my cra.p from job,someone who is going to share my life. 

There is a lot of nice people who wants the same things,you only need to find them. They are going to cheer you up. If I could make it,this fool then I belive everyone else can 

PS. dont date Bar Girls. They are not ready for a real relationship. First thing I learned 

Sorry for a long post.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I hope it won't taint me forever, but I think it might.

I don't trust anyone about anything anymore - it's not just a dating thing. (I haven't dated yet since my divorce last July. Have no desire to just yet.)

And I'm suspicious of other people's spouses when the thought they might be cheating never used to enter my mind. A longtime friend I was talking with recently said she thinks her husband of about 30 years might be cheating, because he goes away on trips to Europe (they have traveled extensively together) by himself every 1-2 months - she is still working at 63 and will retire in 2 years - he's 70 and retired. They are both in excellent health and very active - he plays tennis regularly. If she'd said this to me two years ago, I'd have been amazed she could think that about him - he is a very anxious, worrying person by nature and back then wouldn't have seemed like "the type." But I said, "I'm sorry to say this, but you're probably right. What are you going to do?"

I found out recently that some longtime friends of my ex and me, who also divorced last year after being married for 20+ years, divorced primarily because he cheated and got caught. He, of course, portrayed their divorce to my ex as "we grew apart and weren't compatible anymore." No mention whatsoever of the cheating. I'm sure my cheating ex told him the same BS about us. Talked with her a couple weeks ago - he cheated with someone they knew from church! Lovely.

So, everyone is a potential cheater to me now. That's what he and other idiots like him have left me believing.

I hope I won't always feel this way, but I don't see any end in sight of it right now.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ihatethis said:


> This is so unbelievably true! I have been cheated on and this is exactly how I feel!


I remember feeling that awful feeling in my stomach when My ex-wife confessed her "physical" infidelity. I also remember the deep hatred towards her that boiled inside of me.

Yet I have never felt the way what you posted described, I have never felt anxious about others and their honesty or otherwise. I have never felt any need to worry twice or thrice if I am being lied to. I have never worried about anyone leaving me randomly or otherwise.

I don't doubt that plenty of people feel such things, yet I don't think I am unique in getting over it and moving on without any notable problems.

Personally for me I think hating my ex-wife for what she did and not forgiving her for it helped me to move on. Moving forward is a lot easier when you're not pining for the past.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> I don't buy into this at all...
> 
> I have NEVER held anyone else responsible for the actions of my ex other than my ex. A defective person is not equal to a defective gender.
> 
> Nor have I mistrusted any of the girlfriends I have had since. I had no reason too but that's not to say I am not mindful of red flags.


Same...



BetrayedDad said:


> If you let someone's actions affect your future relationships then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Period.


:iagree:


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