# Confused about Husband's private activites



## busybee (Nov 14, 2009)

I posted this in the General Relationships section, but I think this is where I should have put it first.

I don't know who I can trust to talk about this and I saw this forum, so I thought I would give it a shot. 

My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs, together for almost 6 and everything has always been really good, no fights or anything but I found out something about him that really bugs me. Our computer crashed a few days ago and the tech who was working on it was able to retrieve a bunch of files, including pictures on naked men and a lot of naked mens butts. I

t bothers me b/c I don't look at this kind of stuff and I didn't know why it was saved to the computer, so I started doing a little digging and I looked at my husband's email and msgr and i found out that he has been talking to other guys when I'm not home. Most of the conversations are short and limited to talking about oral and such but it BUGS me! 

He doesn't know that I found out about this stuff and I dunno what to do. He has never shown any interest in other guys EVER but we are kind of freaky in the bedroom (i know tmi) but nothing that would make me think he wanted that kind of stuff from the same sex! Is this a normal thing for guys to go thru and should I say something to him about it. 

I don't know if I can have sex with him again without thinking about this stuff. Anyone been thru this before? I could really use some advice.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

It's no big deal. In the UK 30% of men have had some sort of same sex experience by the time they are 40. And that's only the ones that admit to it! It does not make them gay.

Some men feel that fantasising about men is less like cheating than fantasising about other women. It's just eroticism. Eavesdroppers and spies need to be able to handle what they discover. I bet you have not told him about your every passing daydream and fantasy?


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## blue_eyed_angel (Nov 12, 2009)

MarkTwain..I looked at your website, and I'm curious as to what your professional credentials are, or what type of background/education you have? For offering your one to one services?

Thanks!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_eyed_angel said:


> MarkTwain..I looked at your website, and I'm curious as to what your professional credentials are, or what type of background/education you have? For offering your one to one services?
> 
> Thanks!


And what was your assessment of my writing?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Perhaps he's bi-sexual, or perhaps he's just curious. Men have such a negative image of being gay or bi, that they usually will not want to share that with anyone, but it's really a lot more natural than many would like to acknowledge. 

I think the best thing to do is talk with him about it. Is he just curious, has he had past experiences with men? Either way, his commitment is to you. How far can he go with another man before it's considered cheating? Is saving the naked pictures okay with you, what about his communications with these other mean? 

It doesn't sound like he's having an affair or cheating, so I wouldn't worry so much about that. Try your best to be supportive while you work through this with him. Maybe you'll even be able to add a new level of love making if you indulge in this with him, not the actual act of him being with another man if you don't feel okay with that, but maybe watching porn together, or fantasizing, or role play....


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## blue_eyed_angel (Nov 12, 2009)

MarkTwain..I found your articles an interesting read. Since you charge for your services, I was curious as to what your credentials are, thats all.

For the original poster, I would be somewhat concerned if I found that information on our computer. While it doesn't mean that your husband has any intentions of being with a man, it still may warrant a heart to heart at some point to at least open the lines of communication, and at the very least put your mind at ease.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_eyed_angel said:


> MarkTwain..I found your articles an interesting read. Since you charge for your services, I was curious as to what your credentials are, thats all.


My only credential is the marriage certificate I have - together over 20 years, married 18. 

We are happily married, and have a good sex life.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

It should bug you. I hate that there is some double-standard because it involves same sex encounters. This isn't different then if you found out he was chatting with women about getting blowjobs. There seems to be this laissez faire attitude when someone in a marriage has an interest in other people of the same sex, like it's okay because they might be bi-sexual and it's 'natural' or whatever other BS. So they shouldn't be held to the same standard as straight people. 

I understand why you're upset and you should be! I think there are obviously things you need to talk about with him. 

MT, I really enjoy most of your writings but I really disagree. I think telling someone not to worry about a spouse chatting online to someone else just isn't good advice. Daydreaming and fantasizing is way different then engaging in sexual online coversations with other people, same sex or not. That's when its crossed from a passing daydream to taking action towards to make it a reality. I might have crazy fantasies about my wife's hot cousin or I'll see a beautiful woman and some dirty thoughts go through my head. I'm sure my wife has plenty as well. But we're not talking about the thought police. If I started chatting online to my wife's cousin and flirting or talking about relationships or what I would like to do sexually. That's just crossing a line.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mike1 said:


> MT, I really enjoy most of your writings but I really disagree. I think telling someone not to worry about a spouse chatting online to someone else just isn't good advice. Daydreaming and fantasizing is way different then engaging in sexual online coversations with other people, same sex or not.


I was only referring to the fantasising. I agree, the chatting may have been going a bit too far. I was in a hurry when I wrote that post. I was trying to get the point across that seems to be lost on Americans that many men have a bi side - even if it's only in fantasy. It does not make them gay. just normal.


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