# My husband and I are growing apart



## Kalli

Hi, I am 27 years old and I've been married for 7 years. I loved him from the first moment we met and even though I was in college and he was 10 years older than me we decided to get married then. Soon after that he started growing apart and always had excuses not to sleep with me. I am a young attractive woman, used to be a model and many times I was given the oportunity to cheat on him but I don't want to, I love him so much. It's been 3 years now that he stopped sleeping with me and before that things weren't any better...so here I am. Did any of you had a similar experience? He says he loves me and refuses to discuss about it. Once I told him we should get a divorce and he went crazy, he doesn't even want to hear about it. we work together and we spend our free time together so it's not another woman. I don't know what to do, I love him but this is getting sick, his only excuse is that he is very stressed because of work. I love my husband and that is why I keep trying to save our marriage but the only thing he does is promissng that things will change (for the last 7 years). I love him and he makes me feel like the last woman on earth. I feel very lonely and depressed, these last few months I don't feel like going out or doing anything. I don't even feel like eating anymore. All my friends have beautiful families, loving husbands and their children, what is wrong with us?


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## EternalBacheor

Possibility #1:
He is suffering from Erectile Dysfunction and is too embarrassed to talk to you about it.

Possibility #2:
He is homosexual and he has finally accepted that fact; hence his loss of interest in having sex with you.

Possibility #3:
He has contracted a Sexually Transmitted Disease and he does not want to take the risk of infecting you.

Unlike women it is very easy for men to have sex with no emotional attachment so if he was not in love with you anymore, or if he was bored with you, etc etc he could easily still be having sex with you. Therefore there is either a physical problem (Possibility #1) or a mental problem (Possibility #2), or a disease problem (Possiblity #3).

When a male declines sex with an attractive woman for years there is a serious problem that must be addressed.


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## preso

EternalBacheor said:


> Possibility #1:
> He is suffering from Erectile Dysfunction and is too embarrassed to talk to you about it.
> 
> Possibility #2:
> He is homosexual and he has finally accepted that fact; hence his loss of interest in having sex with you.
> 
> Possibility #3:
> He has contracted a Sexually Transmitted Disease and he does not want to take the risk of infecting you.
> 
> .



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Kalli

Dear friend, thank you for taking the time writing to me. Possibilities 1 and 3 are out of the question but I am really concearned lately about possibility nr. 2. These thoughts had already crossed my mind but how can I be sure about that? I certainly can't think of a way to find out the truth. I've had a conversation with him about it but he went mad. What am I going to do? That's so unfair, he could have been sincere with himself and with me and put an end to this 7 years ago. I've really loved him and if this is the case I don't know what I'm going to do. Now he wants to have a baby as if I'm a breading machine...It's like the old times when women were there to clean, cook and give birth to babies. I feel so upset, I don't want to have a baby under these circumstances, I always thought that a child is the fruit of love between two people, you don't have a baby just because you are married to somebody. How could I be so stupid? I guess love is blind
(p.s. I'm sorry if my writing is not too good but I'm still learning, I'm not from the States).


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## Blanca

you can always put spyware on his computer. shortly after i started living with my H he stopped wanting sex with me, too (we were 25 years old). told me he was just stressed from work, etc. i put spyware on the computer and found tons of porn, dating websites, etc. 

your H is lying and hiding something from you. he wont even talk to you about it which shows he does not love you. he's just trying to protect himself and get what he wants.


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## EternalBacheor

If you suspect Possiblity #2 then your primary concern should be for your own health. If he is secretly having sex with males there is a risk he is having unprotected sex, or a risk he is having "protected sex" and risking a condom failure, both of which could easily result in his contracting the HIV virus.

All it takes is one mistake by him.........and then one sex act with you...... and you are eventually dead from AIDS.

You also mention "he goes crazy" when you approach him about these issues.........this is also dangerous in my view.

In my view you should end your marriage now and move on with your life. There is no question in my mind that you will eventually get divorced, the only question is when.


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## okeydokie

possibility #4, he has built up alot of resentment towards yo that makes you unattractive to him (i have this problem toward my wife). I am not homosexual nor do i have a disease or erectile disfunction. for me it's her appearance, her pack ratting and her inability to prioritize and multi task (she is difunctionally disorganized). I am not suggesting that any of these fit you but there may be something.


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## wishiknew

KALLI - I feel rather 'old' to even be entering this site, but I have read many threads to try and help me with what I am going through. All I can offer is that if you are unhappy now - please try to resolve it together WITH your husband. 

If you have done everything you can to be happy together and it is not going to work, then be blessed that you are young enough to start again. 

Please don't do what I did (for the last 10 years of my 25 year relationship / 17 year marriage to my husband) and compromise or hide your feelings, or accept it is 'your lot' - for the sake of avoiding confrontation with your husband or saving face to others outside your marriage. 

Believe me - it doesn't work !!! All those negative feelings will eventually come back to rear their ugly head 10-fold. They are real feelings, and need to be addressed within your marriage WHEN they happen... but in a way that is not undermining or putting him down. Afterall, he is not your enemy - he is the person you married, so you need to express what it is that you want from the marriage, and be prepared to accept that by communicating your needs with him - you also need to be open to him communicating his needs from you.

What you need to find is a happy space where you can both meet each others' needs - while perhaps compromising on things that can't be changed.

If I could live my life over again - I would have been true to myself when I had the 'gut feeling' my marriage was in trouble, and confronted it honestly and openly then. 

I was afraid of talking to my husband - so I never got to express what I felt, nor heard from him what he wanted from me.

Anyway, Good Luck - but the most important thing is to TRY and communicate your needs / wants / desires to your hubby without yelling or arguing... and be prepared to listen to him also.

Take care 
xx


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## Debbie 59

wishiknew said:


> KALLI - I feel rather 'old' to even be entering this site, but I have read many threads to try and help me with what I am going through. All I can offer is that if you are unhappy now - please try to resolve it together WITH your husband.
> 
> If you have done everything you can to be happy together and it is not going to work, then be blessed that you are young enough to start again.
> 
> Please don't do what I did (for the last 10 years of my 25 year relationship / 17 year marriage to my husband) and compromise or hide your feelings, or accept it is 'your lot' - for the sake of avoiding confrontation with your husband or saving face to others outside your marriage.
> 
> Believe me - it doesn't work !!! All those negative feelings will eventually come back to rear their ugly head 10-fold. They are real feelings, and need to be addressed within your marriage WHEN they happen... but in a way that is not undermining or putting him down. Afterall, he is not your enemy - he is the person you married, so you need to express what it is that you want from the marriage, and be prepared to accept that by communicating your needs with him - you also need to be open to him communicating his needs from you.
> 
> What you need to find is a happy space where you can both meet each others' needs - while perhaps compromising on things that can't be changed.
> 
> If I could live my life over again - I would have been true to myself when I had the 'gut feeling' my marriage was in trouble, and confronted it honestly and openly then.
> 
> I was afraid of talking to my husband - so I never got to express what I felt, nor heard from him what he wanted from me.
> 
> Anyway, Good Luck - but the most important thing is to TRY and communicate your needs / wants / desires to your hubby without yelling or arguing... and be prepared to listen to him also.
> 
> Take care
> xx


I wish I knew,

I read your post and I can understand exactly what your saying in it. I been married 34 years and If I could do it again, I wouldn't. Not saying he a bad guy BUT I was the one who did wanted to speak-up.


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## Slartibartfast

First, obviously, don't have a baby. Make it your responsibility that it doesn't happen. 

Second, even though you don't know what's going on, what you do know is that he is aware that there is a serious problem with the marriage because of his behavior. And there is no sign he is doing or is going to do anything about it. What that tells me is that you and the marriage do not constitute sufficient motivation for him to resolve the problem, whatever that might mean. He is satisfied to continue as he is and to let you be miserable. That, for me, is enough to say that you must begin seriously thinking about saving yourself. It doesn't mean you can't keep trying to get him to talk about it or trying to discover what's wrong. But with him not willing to change anything, you also have to learn what you need to know and prepare what you need to prepare to get free of the situation. 

There is no indication that something is wrong with "us." There is apparently something wrong with him. You need not feel like anything reflects some fault of yours. And you can't be responsible for him changing anything. You absolutely can't do that for someone else, anyway. And you need not feel selfish or mean for planning to take your life back if you chose to not live it in misery. 

And to be genuinely realistic, you know he gets "mad" and "crazy" over the idea of divorce. And there are some possibilities that could end in a tragedy. So you must do your research and planning in secret. That isn't a violation of some principle of marriage. It's just prudent and right.


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread from 2009. The OP has not been on TAM for the last 7 years. I'm closing this thread.


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