# Wouldn't I miss him by now?



## elizajane11 (Jul 6, 2010)

Hi.. I am recently separated after 5 years of dating and 17 years of marriage. It was a VERY long time coming of me crying on a daily basis agonizing over this decision. Back in April we decided to separate.. he was reluctant to do it, saying that he thought we were meant to be together.. Me.. so tired of the BS said the only way we would know would be to live apart and get our heads clear. 

95% of me knew I wanted out of this relationship, however I do have three kids ages 7 10 and 12, and had been a part-time wahm complete with house help..and him helping with the kids.. I knew that going to no house help, no yard help, working full time and balancing three kids was going to be a shock to my system and that perhaps once that reality hit me I would quit being so resistant to this relationship and perhaps "see the light" as he put it.

So he left in april.. came back a few weeks, but lived on the other side of the house.. we were separate within the same home.. then moved out the end of may to another house.. in this last 6 weeks, I have slept through the night almost everynight for the first time in at least 3 years, i have been calmer and found that I enjoyed my children much more than I ever have.. I do not miss him at all, but wake up with a sense of peace that he is NOT going to round the corner any minute.

I have found that while yes, there is alot to balance here, It is not as bad as I feared and I am actually excelling at my work like I never have before.... my Ex to be, will come over from time to time to get the kids and bring flowers, or try to give me a hug ... and even though he says he's just trying to be nice.. no expectations, I find I shrink back when he does and wish he would just keep it to the basics of the kids period... My girlfriend commented to me the other day out of the blue...

"you realize it is really over for you don't you?.. I think you would have by now definitely missed him to some degree if there were any hope of reconciliation"

I hadn't thought of it really.. but I do find that each day without him here becomes more and more normal for me, with less and less air time in my mind about did I do the right thing. .. Which brings me to my question, .. 

Wouldn't I most likely be getting twinges of nostalgia or overwhelment by now?.. I realize we are barely two months into this..but I was with him for a very very long time, we never apart for more than a day or two,... Or is my girlfriends observation right?

Wondering when those that reconciled typically started having doubts over their choice


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

elizajane11 said:


> Hi.. I am recently separated after 5 years of dating and 17 years of marriage. It was a VERY long time coming of me crying on a daily basis agonizing over this decision. Back in April we decided to separate.. he was reluctant to do it, saying that he thought we were meant to be together.. Me.. so tired of the BS said the only way we would know would be to live apart and get our heads clear.
> 
> 95% of me knew I wanted out of this relationship, however I do have three kids ages 7 10 and 12, and had been a part-time wahm complete with house help..and him helping with the kids.. I knew that going to no house help, no yard help, working full time and balancing three kids was going to be a shock to my system and that perhaps once that reality hit me I would quit being so resistant to this relationship and perhaps "see the light" as he put it.
> 
> ...


well if you are not having doubts that should be a good thing for you because that means your mind is clear about what you 
want .
As you mentioned previously , 95% of you knew you want out 
, you are still not comfortable with him being around , & you feel happier without him , doesn't it indicate that you dont want to be with him or reconcile with him. ?
But that is just my opinion .

Best of luck


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I had a similar experience. I felt nothing but relief at our separation--and we never fought. I had no idea how burdened I felt living with him, and the life the kids and I share now is so much nicer, even though a lot of stuff is more complicated. I think the kids share a closer relationship with their dad, now, too, b/c he is forced to pay more attention on his days. 

I feel a lot of guilt, but not one ounce of regret at "losing" him b/c I feel absolutely NO sense of loss when it comes to him. I just figure that is evidence of how much I had disconnected. 

So, there is nothing wrong with giving it more time--if that will help him understand you are not missing him and you have no desire to reconnect. If you decide you want to find someone new, well, then, yeah, start the paper work. I wouldn't rush into that though b/c it complicates things and your kids need you now, this year and most of next--just focus on them and enjoy what time you have on your own (w/o the kids) as best you can. I miss my kids on the ex's days but I do make good use of my time!

Good luck.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

The good thing with time is, he will also realize how much he DOESN'T MISS you, and that he probably doesn't love you as much as he thought he did, at least for me that's how it is..good for you and also for you doing him a favor.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I was reflecting with a mate who was very helpful to my wife and I at the time when we were splitting up. I said something like it’s really strange, not only do I find that I don’t love her any more, but I’m not missing her either. He said that’s bloody obvious, you’d have gone and got her back by now if you still loved her and missed her.

This whole process of separation was hard enough but if I still loved her and missed her I don’t reckon I’d have come as far as I have in a reasonable amount of time. Having virtually no contact and one feeble almost underhanded attempt by my wife to see me again has helped a great deal. If she wanted me back she’d have to shout from roof tops for me to hear and even consider it and she’s never going to do that.

Bob


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