# Wife no longer wants to do household chores



## MidwestMan

Have any other guys had issues with their wife deciding that they no longer want to do household chores? I mean, I could see her getting upset if she felt she was being taking advantage of or wasn't being appreciated. But I don't think that is the case here.

This is what has been the norm for many years now. 

Her: 
Wash laundry
Put away clothes
Clean Kitchen
Do 50% of dishes
Cook 10% of meals
Vacuum 3 or 4 times per year 

Me:
Cook 90% of meals
Buy groceries
Pay bills
Handle budget and finances
Mow lawn
Take out garbage
Help with laundry (2-3 loads per week and put away her and my hanging clothes and put away all of my own clothes)
50% of dishes
Vacuum once per month


Now that was the norm for many years. Over the past couple years my wife has complained about cleaning the kitchen. So now she only does it about once per month and only when she has guests coming over. She has been doing little or no dishes. And now for some reason she has decided that she doesn't need to do laundry anymore. That our girls (who are 11, 10, and 8 and actually help out a TON with laundry by washing loads, sorting and putting away clothes) should have to do everything for themselves. 

This has me feeling resentful. Why do I have to do all my chores and she doesn't have to do hers? This caused a big fight with her and I. I went and talked to a therapist about it. He said that in the short term I need to take care of myself. Do my own laundry and put it away. Cook only for myself. Wash my own dishes. Get separate checking accounts and each start paying for a portion of the bills. 

This still leaves some questions. What about the girls? Do I stop mowing the the grass too? And taking out the garbage? 

And my wife has made it so that I can't talk to her about it without her wanting to get into a screaming fit about it. 

I'm getting to my wits end. 

Has anyone dealt with a similar issue? How was it handled?

Thanks!


----------



## michzz

Does she work outside the home?

Offer to swap chores. She mow the lawn and you do the kitchen.

As a practical matter the frequency of mowing vs kitchen and laundry timewise is skewed towards mowing takes less time.

That said, she should pull her weight.

A time study could help. Each of you self identify how much time each week you do what you consider to be chores. Then estimate how much leisure time you have.

Then consider what's fair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn

menopause?


----------



## regularguy

It does seem a bit unfair, each partner should be contributing to maintaining the household. If you work and she doesn't, she should be doing the housework, and you should pay for everything. If you both work, you should both be doing housework and both be paying the bills in a roughly equal amount.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

My first thought when I read your post - tell her if you wanted to marry a pig, you would have!

But that wouldn't help any.

Don't do anything for her. I mean anything. Do for yourself and the kids only.

Don't anyone do her laundry.

Don't pay bills that have her name ONLY on them.

When you cook, just cook for the children and yourself.

Let her know that you will take care of the children and yourself, but you will not do anything for her, she can take care of herself.

I don't know what's going on here, but something is.

I could see her not wanting to do for you - but to say the children at their ages need to take care of themselves - doesn't sound like a Mom.

Something not right here...


----------



## franklinfx

my wife was the clean freak, and i was the slob, when we got married then I stsarted pulling my own weight and she got lazy it got to point where I was doing everything and paying most of the bills too. I started to leave sht around to bug her and it forced her to move her azz around the house now shes back in a routine.
I also started telling her how much I like her cooking which I do(not as much as my own though)and now she likes to cook for me.


----------



## magnoliagal

chillymorn said:


> menopause?


Good question actually. I'm in perimenopause and it is making me a little crazy. Haven't given up on chores but I've definately lowered my standards (I'm normally a neat freak).


----------



## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My first thought when I read your post - tell her if you wanted to marry a pig, you would have!
> 
> But that wouldn't help any.
> 
> Don't do anything for her. I mean anything. Do for yourself and the kids only.
> 
> Don't anyone do her laundry.
> 
> Don't pay bills that have her name ONLY on them.
> 
> When you cook, just cook for the children and yourself.
> 
> Let her know that you will take care of the children and yourself, but you will not do anything for her, she can take care of herself.
> 
> I don't know what's going on here, but something is.
> 
> I could see her not wanting to do for you - but to say the children at their ages need to take care of themselves - doesn't sound like a Mom.


Why should 11,10 and 8 not do their own laundry?


----------



## paramore

depressed?


----------



## MidwestMan

Thanks for the replies.

My wife does work. She works 4 days out of the week at the local hospital.

Menopause? She's only 35 but it is possible. She is on medication for depression but has been for several years.

I thought about asking her to switch chores even though I know she hates doing many of the things I do. But my therapist advised against that. Especially since she is not good with finances. (I tried to get her to do that once. I'd rather not think of the overdraft and late fees. )

I am doing only my laundry. But not cooking for her is tougher. Then I'd have to say something like, "no, that food is not for you". How do you do that?

I have thought about just letting the lawn go and when she questions why it isn't being cut I would tell her why.

Trash. Ugh. I'd rather not let that go. And finances, well those have to be done. But I'm seriously thinking about the separate checking accounts.

The thing that kills me is she keeps telling me that she wants to go down in hours at her job. I think that would put my insanity over the edge as I'm pretty sure she wouldn't pick up much more of the chores.

And she is very good at saying she will do (or not do) something in order to get her way. And then once she gets her way she stops doing the thing she said she would do. 

Example: 
We were looking to buy a bigger house when #3 was on the way. We couldn't decide on anything. So we end up building a house that was a little over our price range. But she promised if we did this she would keep the house looking great. She did great for the first few years and all was happy. But then she stopped vacuuming. So when she decided she wanted some indoor kittens I said that the vacuuming has to happen. No problem she says. Vacuuming doesn't even start up. I've got to beg with her every time I want the house vacuumed and end up doing it alot myself. Then she wants a dog. And without me really knowing it her mother buys her a dog for her birthday. So I say, the vacuuming has to happen and you need to keep the place clean with the pets. Vacuuming doesn't happen. Not only that but the dog never gets house broken. But it isn't over yet. Besided dealing with dog poop and pee (wife has thrown the cats outside at this point as they suddenly start peeing in the house) I'm still having to ask her to vacuum the house. She complains that our vacuum is a piece of junk. So after several months of this we get some extra money and buy a $700 vacuum that she really likes. Raise your hand if you think she started vacuuming? Anyone? Anyone. No, she did not. 

Dang that was long. Guess I just needed to vent. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent on here. I'll hopefully, in a respectful and polite manner, discuss household responsibilities with her this weekend. 

Last time we argued over this she complained that the girls got paid 75 cents per load of laundry and the fact that she gets treated from a different standard than the kids. 

How do I explain that this is her and my house. Not the kids. Oh, they have responsibilities. But it is our house. It comes down to us. And we have to take care of it. Not the girls. 

Thanks. Have a good weekend all!


----------



## MidwestMan

The 11, 10, and 8 DO laundry. And I really am impressed with as much as they do. But two things. 

#1 My wife seems bitter that they get paid to do it (even though she agreed to paying them to do it years ago. yes, they have been doing laundry for years)

#2 It just isn't the girls doing laundry as much as I feel like the chores are about 65-35 right now, and my wife is hoping to off load another 15%. Wait a second, what happened to a partnership??

Something I haven't mentioned... I get the girls ready in the morning and get them off to school. In that time I can also throw in a load of laundry and load or unload the dish washer. Which happens about every morning. On the other hand, she might be home all day during the week with no one else there and not even bother putting the wet clothes from the washer into the dryer.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Mom6547 said:


> Why should 11,10 and 8 not do their own laundry?


Sure they can do laundry - but the OP mentioned they could do everything for themselves.

Learn to be self-sufficient - sure, shirking your duties as a Mom - no way IMO.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

MidwestMan said:


> Last time we argued over this she complained that the girls got paid 75 cents per load of laundry and the fact that she gets treated from a different standard than the kids.


She gets treated different than the kids?

Mom needs to grow up!


----------



## magnoliagal

Is she being passive aggressive for a reason? I've heard of women bailing on chores just to get their husband's attention. "Well I'll show him...." kinda thing.

On the depression how long has she been on those meds? Does she regularly see a dr for her depression? Sometimes those quit working after a while.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Sounds like she was never that into doing housework. Who is? Now she's just fed up with it. Some people's standards in that department aren't that high, especially if they have to do the work. Would you consider a once a week cleaning lady? Probably $50/wk depending on where you live. 

My wife, who's never held a full time job resents mightily that she 'has' to do the housework. I've told her for years find some washer woman to come in and do the drudgery if that what she wants. But she won't do it...too much old world peasant stock in her blood. As a result she kinda does a halfassed job of it. Nothing is ever completed. Place is a mess. Stuff piles up or put away randomly....

Hey I get it. It's dreary. My solution is, if you don't do it and I don't have time to do EVERYTHING, them find some immigrant to do it.


----------



## michzz

Call her bluff and give her three quarters a day to do the laundry.


----------



## jmbr

I think it's the depression at work mostly.


Although the separate accounts, and the children doing the laundry is very odd. I'd throw the 75 cents at her. not saying you should do it, but I'd get a cheque and buy her a years worth of laundry work, if that's her problem. What a half arsed excuse that is.


Last year mine had a severe depression from grief. It was a gradual process where She would do less and feel like doing less each time. The motivation to do anything was slipping and slipping away. Even the most basic things.

Worked for me, not giving in to it. No matter how much She grumbled, or did not wanna do something, I wouldn't let up. But till She got better from the depression, nothing really improved, just ups and downs.

She used to moan "I know I should be doing it but I can't put myself to start it." 

But I think your case is worse, She is actually shirking responsibilities over to you and the kids. That won't do at all.


Have you considered doing household chores together? The same ones, I mean. You wash the dishes She dries them up. You press the clothes, She folds them or vice versa. It's alot more motivating than doing it by yourself.


I don't think you should give in to what She wants. If you both work same hours, you both share the workload around the house. Period.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Well said, Runs like Dog, Who does like house work? I know I don't. I'm quite worried about the idea of both of you refusing to do the jobs. I'm no therapist but it sounds like a path to further division rather than more closeness. 

Here Is what I find. I get to choose my own chores. Over the years the mix has changed often. Without getting into specifics, I find that I will do anything that I can do with my wife. Our kitchen is big enough to cook together. We have 2 lawn mowers. Two brooms. (hardwood floors so only a tiny vacuum) Doing it together makes it not a "chore".

M N


----------



## turnera

Here's what I see. A woman who married a man who didn't man up (no offense) and she grew to both despise him for it and take him for granted. So much so that, now, she has utter disdain for you. You're her lackey. She EXPECTS you to do everything because, well, you DO do everything.

Now, I agree with you stopping all the MrMom attitude. 

However, your IC is missing one point - telling her truth about WHY you are stopping. By not being honest with her, you're robbing her of choice.

I had this exact conversation with my cubicle neighbor the other day. He married a woman with two kids and, a year later, HE does 90% of all the work. Why? Well, because he DOES.

Stop being the Giver. Tell her the truth. Ignore all the crap that spews from her mouth when you do that. Sit back and maintain your new boundaries, with a weekly discussion of what you expect in a partner adnd that you cannot stay married to someone who treats you like a servant instead of a husband. And THEN ask her what's going on in her mind; tell her you want to know WHY she feels entitled to stop contributing, so that, if there's something in there that's your fault, you will change it. 

Note that I'm NOT telling you to roll over and show your stomach; if she has a valid gripe, fix your part; if she's just doing more selfishness, ignore her and restate your newfound boundaries. Then she has a choice to make. But the bottom line is she needs to see STRENGTH from you.


----------



## rollie13

turnera said:


> Here's what I see. A woman who married a man who didn't man up (no offense) and she grew to both despise him for it and take him for granted. So much so that, now, she has utter disdain for you. You're her lackey. She EXPECTS you to do everything because, well, you DO do everything.
> 
> Now, I agree with you stopping all the MrMom attitude.
> 
> However, your IC is missing one point - telling her truth about WHY you are stopping. By not being honest with her, you're robbing her of choice.
> 
> I had this exact conversation with my cubicle neighbor the other day. He married a woman with two kids and, a year later, HE does 90% of all the work. Why? Well, because he DOES.
> 
> Stop being the Giver. Tell her the truth. Ignore all the crap that spews from her mouth when you do that. Sit back and maintain your new boundaries, with a weekly discussion of what you expect in a partner adnd that you cannot stay married to someone who treats you like a servant instead of a husband. And THEN ask her what's going on in her mind; tell her you want to know WHY she feels entitled to stop contributing, so that, if there's something in there that's your fault, you will change it.
> 
> Note that I'm NOT telling you to roll over and show your stomach; if she has a valid gripe, fix your part; if she's just doing more selfishness, ignore her and restate your newfound boundaries. Then she has a choice to make. But the bottom line is she needs to see STRENGTH from you.


Nice point. My wife would prefer a robot/ATM that spewed cash and not much else. Opinions are verboten and she wants to run the ship - even though she is fairly incompetent. She has a low self esteem that will not allow any comment on her capabilities (or lack thereof) and this leads to half azzed cooking, laundry and general housekeeping. She hasn't cooked in the past 3 months (since I could barbque of course) and desires a huge kitchen from which she could certainly order some sort of take-out. I am certain she is depressed among other issues she has but she doesn't realize any of it. The only solution is either pick up the slack without burning yourself out or to get a divorce. The problem is she would get the kids and they would suffer and probably be worse off than now- emotional stress aside- but in a positive note you would be rid of the dead weight. 

PS: my wife gets treated like gold and I think that when some of these women think they can walk all over you they tend to. I've learned my lesson. Man up and try your best to straighten her out for you and the kids sake. Good luck!!


----------



## Lon

Mr. Nail said:


> Well said, Runs like Dog, Who does like house work? I know I don't. I'm quite worried about the idea of both of you refusing to do the jobs. I'm no therapist but it sounds like a path to further division rather than more closeness.
> 
> Here Is what I find. I get to choose my own chores. Over the years the mix has changed often. Without getting into specifics, I find that I will do anything that I can do with my wife. Our kitchen is big enough to cook together. We have 2 lawn mowers. Two brooms. (hardwood floors so only a tiny vacuum) Doing it together makes it not a "chore".
> 
> M N


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I hate house work. I don't hate it any more to do slightly more than my share, but I really hate having to do the majority of it and I really really hate being the blame when it doesn't get done. So we just both refused to do it and it was a bloody pig sty. Definitely divided us.

As to doing the work together - I LOVED that, I can actually appreciate it as quality time together, and makes it a breeze. Unfortunately my W hated doing chores even moreso when we did them together, always said I would disappear into the background and she had to do "everything" (which is an exaggeration to say the least), except the other thing that factors into this is we have a single child who is seeks constant attention - sometimes we send him next door to play with the neighbors kid, but by and large it was only ever me and him at home while wife was out in the evenings, so chores were rarely ever done and when I was cleaning my boy was usually not far behind making a mess. He is 4 and I can often get him to "help" but that again takes attention away from actually getting anything clean. It is getting easier as he gets older, and now I'm separated it feels very liberating to be able to take responsibility for the entire mess and not feel jaded about doing more than my share.


----------



## southbound

MidwestMan said:


> Her:
> Wash laundry
> Put away clothes
> Clean Kitchen
> Do 50% of dishes
> Cook 10% of meals
> Vacuum 3 or 4 times per year
> 
> Me:
> Cook 90% of meals
> Buy groceries
> Pay bills
> Handle budget and finances
> Mow lawn
> Take out garbage
> Help with laundry (2-3 loads per week and put away her and my hanging clothes and put away all of my own clothes)
> 50% of dishes
> Vacuum once per month


That was basically my list for 18 years, except add doing and folding laundry to my list!




MidwestMan said:


> And she is very good at saying she will do (or not do) something in order to get her way. And then once she gets her way she stops doing the thing she said she would do.
> 
> Example:
> We were looking to buy a bigger house when #3 was on the way. We couldn't decide on anything. So we end up building a house that was a little over our price range. But she promised if we did this she would keep the house looking great. She did great for the first few years and all was happy. But then she stopped vacuuming




Same here. We built a house a few years into our marriage. Prior to that, we lived in an older house that wasn't anything fancy. She acted as though when she got a new house that cleaning would be no problem. that lasted a while and then it was back to the same old thing.



turnera said:


> Here's what I see. A woman who married a man who didn't man up (no offense) and she grew to both despise him for it and take him for granted. So much so that, now, she has utter disdain for you. You're her lackey. She EXPECTS you to do everything because, well, you DO do everything.
> 
> Now, I agree with you stopping all the MrMom attitude.
> 
> However, your IC is missing one point - telling her truth about WHY you are stopping. By not being honest with her, you're robbing her of choice.
> 
> I had this exact conversation with my cubicle neighbor the other day. He married a woman with two kids and, a year later, HE does 90% of all the work. Why? Well, because he DOES.
> 
> Stop being the Giver. Tell her the truth. Ignore all the crap that spews from her mouth when you do that. Sit back and maintain your new boundaries, with a weekly discussion of what you expect in a partner adnd that you cannot stay married to someone who treats you like a servant instead of a husband. And THEN ask her what's going on in her mind; tell her you want to know WHY she feels entitled to stop contributing, so that, if there's something in there that's your fault, you will change it.
> 
> Note that I'm NOT telling you to roll over and show your stomach; if she has a valid gripe, fix your part; if she's just doing more selfishness, ignore her and restate your newfound boundaries. Then she has a choice to make. But the bottom line is she needs to see STRENGTH from you.


This is probably it. I wished many times that I had never gotten into me doing so much from the beginning and it becoming the norm. In the end, I don't think she even appreciated it. 

I stood up and voiced my opinions about the unbalanced work load, but I think that only lead to resentment on her part. 

Now that we are divorced, my kids say all she does is cleans house and keeps it spotless. Go figure that.:scratchhead:


----------



## turnera

rollie...you know the solution.

Stop treating her like gold.

You created your own problem by not speaking up and accepting her crap.


----------



## ManDup

Being passive-aggressive back is never the solution. So stopping the lawn mowing is not going to work. Calm and collected is always the way. Women want us to be their rock emotionally, and you acting like her is not the ticket. If she starts a screaming fit, calmly tell her it's not acceptable for her to talk to you like that. If she continues, leave until she calms down. It will take some strength to get through it, but it will work to at least get her talking about what's really bothering her.


----------



## SunnyT

Well, some chores HAVE to get done.... like laundry, dishes, cooking, and trash. And vaccuming! 

I don't know why your therapist said not to revisit the chore division. In a marriage/partnership you HAVE to be able to revisit things that aren't working or don't seem "fair". Then again, if w isn't going to engage, it will be all on you anyway. I still think you have to put it out there so that she has to refuse (out loud) and THEN you have figure out what to do next. 

I would make a list of all chores that HAVE to be done.... daily and weekly. I would put them on index cards, have a family meeting... make a chart and make it a whole family organizational thing. Since the kids already get paid for laundry, I'd not make this all about getting paid but about having a clean standard of living. Also given their ages, I think I wouldn't be TOO stringent on the standards of completed work within reason of course. 

I don't think this puts it all on the kids, but I think by making it a whole family issue that wife HAS to buy into it. How can she not? And if she doesn't... that in itself is telling.


----------



## ItHappenedToMe

southbound said:


> Now that we are divorced, my kids say all she does is cleans house and keeps it spotless. Go figure that.:scratchhead:


Think passive-aggressive behavior because she was unhappy (why she didn't clean before). Now she is either a) happy, and therefore cleaning; b) unhappy and thinking it will bring you back; c) willing to show a new man that your complaints are not an issue any longer.


----------



## ZenofZombie

My wife is a stay-at-home mom. I'm in the military, and after our third baby, my mother-in-law came to help out for the year that I was deployed. After I got back, mom went back home, and my wife suddenly stopped doing anything except shopping, watching TV, surfing the internet, and visiting her girlfriends. Fast-forward four years and all the kids are either in school or daycare/preschool. She has the house to herself from 9 AM until 4:30 PM, when she has to pick up the kids (I don't get home from work until around 6:30 PM). Her daily schedule: she drops the kids off at school, then heads to the gym, goes swimming, has lunch with her friends, does some shopping (yes, every day), picks the kids up at 4:30, comes home and makes them dinner, then watches TV or talks on the phone or reads a book. I get home and make myself a sandwich--every night, Monday-Friday. She does all the grocery shopping, once a week.
I get up at 5:30 AM every day, off to work, home by 6:30 (sometimes 7) PM. At night, I wash the clothes (which otherwise pile up); I wash the dishes from the kids' dinner and their breakfast earlier that day; I pick up their toys; and clean up the spills that litter the kitchen table and floor. I vacuum the house every Saturday morning. During the week, when I come home at night, I routinely find that she didn't even make the bed from that morning. On top of all that, I only get about 20 minutes of 'intimacy' every month or so. My wife and I are both college graduates, both with professional degrees. We always said that she'd re-Board and go back to work once the last baby entered preschool (she was a dentist before we had kids). Now, she shrugs when I bring it up and makes an excuse that she's been away for too many years. I think, honestly, that her mother spoiled her while I was deployed; and she's turned in to a lazy woman.


----------



## that_girl

You only vacuum once a month  llolll We vacuum every day!

I think she's hitting some weird mental place. I really can't help ya because I do 90% of the house stuff and like it. Hubs does the yard and works 30 more hours a week than I do lol. (I only work 30.)


----------



## heartsbeating

ZenofZombie said:


> My wife is a stay-at-home mom. I'm in the military, and after our third baby, my mother-in-law came to help out for the year that I was deployed. After I got back, mom went back home, and my wife suddenly stopped doing anything except shopping, watching TV, surfing the internet, and visiting her girlfriends. Fast-forward four years and all the kids are either in school or daycare/preschool. She has the house to herself from 9 AM until 4:30 PM, when she has to pick up the kids (I don't get home from work until around 6:30 PM). Her daily schedule: she drops the kids off at school, then heads to the gym, goes swimming, has lunch with her friends, does some shopping (yes, every day), picks the kids up at 4:30, comes home and makes them dinner, then watches TV or talks on the phone or reads a book. I get home and make myself a sandwich--every night, Monday-Friday. She does all the grocery shopping, once a week.
> I get up at 5:30 AM every day, off to work, home by 6:30 (sometimes 7) PM. At night, I wash the clothes (which otherwise pile up); I wash the dishes from the kids' dinner and their breakfast earlier that day; I pick up their toys; and clean up the spills that litter the kitchen table and floor. I vacuum the house every Saturday morning. During the week, when I come home at night, I routinely find that she didn't even make the bed from that morning. On top of all that, I only get about 20 minutes of 'intimacy' every month or so. My wife and I are both college graduates, both with professional degrees. We always said that she'd re-Board and go back to work once the last baby entered preschool (she was a dentist before we had kids). Now, she shrugs when I bring it up and makes an excuse that she's been away for too many years. I think, honestly, that her mother spoiled her while I was deployed; and she's turned in to a lazy woman.


I love my friends but I wouldn't want to see them every day. I wonder what they all talk about every day? What is she shopping for every day? ....okay curiosity about other lives aside, I take it you haven't told her it's unacceptable because you're still doing the chores yourself!

She needs to pull up her bootstraps and put her big girl pants on. Despite whether she goes back to her dentistry or not, your house-hold chores are out of balance. She's going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends - so I'm assuming she's not depressed? I could speculate that perhaps she is lonely and struggles with being home during the day to get these things done? It sounds like you need a calm discussion with clear expectations set and agreed between you.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Ugh! Hate these stories of lazy and self indulgent spouses.

First world problems! 

Stop letting your wife take advantage of you, bricks!


----------



## calif_hope

Sinple, tell her to take on more days/hours to pay for a P/T housekeeper and a gardening service.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH

ZenofZombie said:


> My wife is a stay-at-home mom. I'm in the military, and after our third baby, my mother-in-law came to help out for the year that I was deployed. After I got back, mom went back home, and my wife suddenly stopped doing anything except shopping, watching TV, surfing the internet, and visiting her girlfriends. Fast-forward four years and all the kids are either in school or daycare/preschool. She has the house to herself from 9 AM until 4:30 PM, when she has to pick up the kids (I don't get home from work until around 6:30 PM). Her daily schedule: she drops the kids off at school, then heads to the gym, goes swimming, has lunch with her friends, does some shopping (yes, every day), picks the kids up at 4:30, comes home and makes them dinner, then watches TV or talks on the phone or reads a book. I get home and make myself a sandwich--every night, Monday-Friday. She does all the grocery shopping, once a week.
> I get up at 5:30 AM every day, off to work, home by 6:30 (sometimes 7) PM. At night, I wash the clothes (which otherwise pile up); I wash the dishes from the kids' dinner and their breakfast earlier that day; I pick up their toys; and clean up the spills that litter the kitchen table and floor. I vacuum the house every Saturday morning. During the week, when I come home at night, I routinely find that she didn't even make the bed from that morning. On top of all that, I only get about 20 minutes of 'intimacy' every month or so. My wife and I are both college graduates, both with professional degrees. We always said that she'd re-Board and go back to work once the last baby entered preschool (she was a dentist before we had kids). Now, she shrugs when I bring it up and makes an excuse that she's been away for too many years. I think, honestly, that her mother spoiled her while I was deployed; and she's turned in to a lazy woman.


Your goodwill and nature have been and are being seriously abused by your wife. It will continue while you are prepared to tolerate it. You sound like the classic Nice Guy doormat.

I would say that your wife has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. You have to take ownership of that in that somehow you lost her respect and you’ve got to get it back because without it you don’t have very much. Think back to your service days.

Read the sticky at the top of the Men’s Clubhouse and start your own thread. You’re on a journey of “manning up”, there’s plenty here who will help you.


----------



## Jbear

Look at her, in to her eyes... until she is looking at you, do it with love. Tell her she is an amazing woman (yes I sound nuts I know) tell her that you want the girls to beable to learn from her example... talk of the future and when they get older and go off to get married... Tell her that you loved when she helped, express frustration that you are left doing so much... look at her and tell her you need her!

Often times it is a lack of communication! tell her what you want , what you need.... she isnt a mind reader and odds are is she started to shut down because she didnt feel needed or wanted or appreciated for what she was doing.... you may have told her but women have a way of missing that stuff or having it not mean as much over time, just as men selective hear things... 

Good luck!!!


----------



## uphillbattle

MidwestMan said:


> Last time we argued over this she complained that the girls got paid 75 cents per load of laundry and the fact that she gets treated from a different standard than the kids.
> 
> \!


I know this thread is a necroed thread but this caught my attention. In this case I would throw her a couple of dollars a week and tell her she is ****ing grounded to her room every day until that damn 700$ vacuum has been run.


----------



## brendan

yes, my wife has done this, hwoever she works 39 hours where i do about 25....but still its not very nice when i work a 10 hour day and come home to dirty dishes and empty cups and cans of coke everywhere. we fight about it a lot.

i also do 100% outdoor work, She has depression


----------



## brendan

yes, my wife has done this, hwoever she works 30 hours where i do about 25....but still its not very nice when i work a 10 hour day and come home to dirty dishes and empty cups and cans of coke everywhere. we fight about it a lot.

i also do 100% outdoor work, She has depression


----------



## waiwera

Whilst this does sound bad for your wife... i would like to play the devil advocate here.. so please humor me!

What you list here is only a small part of what keeps a house nice, clean and tidy.

Let me explain MY situation...

My hubby is great! 
He does alot around the house and property BUT but he has NEVER scrubbed any of the toilets(we have 3x) or the showers/bathtubs(3x).
I wash all floors, windows, paintwork etc...
He never pulls out draws/cupboards to do an organise.
I regulary sort through the kids (3x sons) clothes, shoes, toys, books etc... to cull out all the stuff they have outgrown (in more ways than one)
Hubby never dusts or polishes anything. I clean the fridge/cupboards/pantry, defrost the freezer, do the ironing, strip the beds and changes sheets
In fact he doesn't realise these things need doing or even ever get done... I suppose they aren't important to him.

Who in your house cleans the fridge, defrosts the freezer, does the ironing, strips the beds, flips the mattress and changes the sheets?

PS: If you are already doing all these things...then you deserve a medal (I applaude you) and she doesn't deserve you!


----------



## turnera

If she doesn't like doing dishes - and many people don't - why don't you agree that that will be YOUR chore, so she can concentrate on all the other chores that she's more likely to do with more enthusiasm?


----------



## toolate

IDK, but do you meet her needs emotionally and sexually with all this resentment Im reading in your posts? Paying the bills and doing chores may not be what is meaningful to her and that is pretty much all Im seeing that goes on from your end. Having been married 12 1/2 of the last 15 years, I do know that any resentment spills over into the bedroom for most married couples.


----------



## balor

I do 95% of all chores in my house. All dishes, laundry, cleaning bathrooms, picking up clutter, bathing the kids at night. She cooks dinner, and chauffeurs them around all day from school and therapies (my kids are both special needs). I go to work and school full time on top of all that. She says she cannot do any of these chores because her back and shoulder hurts due to kyphosis the neck, and she has frequent migraines. So I paid for a gym for her to lose weight, got her hooked up with a chiropractor, and signed her up for a monthly massage therapist. She is going to the gym now, and seems determined to lose weight. I decided not to attack her (as I had in the past, which lead to screaming matches), take her word for it. 

She says she appreciates what I do, tells me how much she loves me, and has warmed up in the intimacy department. I'm keeping a close eye on her physical progress, expecting that when her strength and endurance returns, she'd pick up more of the chores. 

Even so, I still feel resentment, and even after years of being together, it lingers in the back of my mind, "is she taking advantage...?" But when the wife cites physical restrictions, one can either accept and attempt to aid (while expecting proactive improvement over time), or deny. Denial never leads to anything pleasant, that's for sure. I'd rather not lose my kids over it, or miss my life over feeling angry every day.

I look at it this way. If I were a single Dad, what difference would this make? Would it be easier? No. I'd have to do more, AND worry about daycare. If she were not taking steps to improve her health, then I think the anger would spill over into something ugly, but as long as there's progress, I think I might be able to deal for a while longer...I do love her...


----------



## sirdano

Wow I do all that except for the cooking and the lundry I got banded for ruining her underwear.

She does not work and I work compressed. I don't mind it too much. But I know when we get visitors I bail and let her do it becuase I don't want the white glove test.


----------



## turnera

balor, I like your attitude. I will suggest, however, that you sit down with her and go over the chores. Find things that she can do. For example, we keep a bag full of socks that need to be matched, as we never seem to get them washed at the same time. When I see my husband sitting on the couch watching tv, I just hand him the bag. He gets to keep watching tv and I get one less chore to do. I also drop loads of towels on the couch next to him, and he knows I expect him to fold them. (now if I could just get him to put them away!)

Find things like that that she can do - it will help with her self esteem (assuming she's not just a selfish woman who has no intention of stepping up). Polishing silver, putting photos into photo albums, take the junk drawer or jewelry box or container of nuts and bolts over to her and ask her to organize them, ask her to cut coupons, ask her to sit down with the kids and do a craft with them, READ to the kids...there are a million things she can be doing, SHOULD be doing.


----------



## Hardened

Your a lucky man,really. I got married to someone I loved. It turns out she got married to someone who had some home & creature comforts waiting.Straight after we got married,she disappeared to the local bar for three and a half years.She got a second job too.Never even seen her apart from when she came home after the pub, looking for some "creature comforts".I went on strike quite soon after this started. After 3.5 yrs she returned and was in the house at 1910 hrs one Monday evening , so our no 2 kid said "who's that,what's that woman doing in our house" (he was about 4 at the time). He hid under my arm for two weeks giving her the evil eye. I had to explain to him who she was! She doesn't do any housework,not since we got married.Does nothing but sit watching TV & drinking a bottle of wine 3-4 times per week.Yeh she still has a day job,when she isn't calling in sick with a "migraine".I take care of the three kids.Pay all household,and non-household bills. She just pays for own stuff clothes,food-out and her mountain of debts.I tried leaving the pizza boxes,chinese food,mass of clothes and rubbish etc for her to cleanaway.Nothing.She did nothing.Says nothing when I raise the issues.I am lucky if she even looks at me.She now sleeps on the floor in the bedroom because the room in full to the ceiling with rubbish. I put all her stuff in there otherwise I would go totally insane (did I mention my hair falls out periodically-not that I am stressed or anything!).I almost cracked a couple of months ago,but I pulled it back. I have told her to go many times but i get "I don't want to".Problem is, she would take me for any and every penny,just to cover her debts,so she must find someone new before I force her out,she will forget me once she has a new wallet to pick. In the meantime I am locked into the house, and spend my time here on the PC. Someone has to be here,even if she is here, she isn't. My eldest, now 15, is in a constant war with her mother,for whom she has no respect at all. I know 15yr olds don't anyway,but she couldn't be more distant from her mother. I am looking for someone else now,which has lightened my spirits a bit,but not many girls frequent my house,known locally as "the dirty house".I work full time,plus all the chores,so had to give up regular overtime (working up to 52 hours some weeks,37 on others) as this was unsustainable.But that was 11 yrs ago. Kid no 3 came after my wife jumped me after I had had a few beers out and fell asleep back home (well 15 pints of lager,I would necessarily have to be out cold for her to get near me).A week later,she said she was pregnant and I had to ask her who the daddy was! It seems that useless, selfish, greedy, lazy fat women is becoming the norm these days,I am loathe to put myself up for anymore.I may shave my head and join a monastery.It would be so much better.:scratchhead:


----------



## Lon

Hardended, if that is really the case, then document document document. Spend a couple minutes each day writing in a journal, write what you did, what your kids did, what your W did and didn't do, take pictures, get a lawyer and seek a divorce and full custody. You are not stuck with her, if you want a divorce you can have it without worrying about losing everything. And even if you did lose a bunch of stuff, would you really? Seems like your life is both miserable and shortened because of this, you would probably both be happier apart from each other.

Normally I don't condone divorce, I am pro marriage, however it always requires two - I also recommend patience because we sometimes have to pick up the slack when our SO has to focus on other issues, but sounds like your W is not focussing on anything, and you have gone beyond patience. Dropping the divorce word, and following through with it (it takes enough time that it can always be stopped if you both decide) may wake one or both of you up to fix things, one way or the other because what you describe is no way to live.


----------



## studley

MidwestMan said:


> Have any other guys had issues with their wife deciding that they no longer want to do household chores?


Yep. Let me ask how old she is. In our case the wife is 70 but things similar to what you describe have been going on for 2-3 years now at least. My wife stopped wanting sex first of all. Then she stopped doing any cooking and only enough laundry to barely get by. She will not even get the mail from the mailbox which is right outside the front door. (She can no longer drive because she forgets where she is going. She cannot remember what day it is usually). In short - she has Alzheimers. The only chores she does is to keep the dishes & kitchen clean and make the bed.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

calif_hope said:


> Sinple, tell her to take on more days/hours to pay for a P/T housekeeper and a gardening service.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thankgod someone said it, i don't think she should take on more hours at work though, proper gentlemen provide house keepers/ gardeners, well i can only judge from my fathers behaviour and we always had a house keeper/gardener. :smthumbup:


----------



## Confused and worried

Try rearranging the furniture, that always works in my house, there is always a cleaning spree after that.


----------



## ShuttleDIK

That passive aggressive crapola is annoying.

I don't mind a sloppy place as long as everyone is happy about it! (not a pig-stuy, mind you). My wife was worked over by her mother about housecleaning. MIL is a complulsive cleaner - you can't even put your glass down. So she harps on my wife... my wife harps on me. Wife is much happier when she can reach that medium between not doing too much, but enough that it's presentable.

I'd do more, but even if I do it, she'll come around behind me and 'do it better'... just like her mom... lol.

Quirky, but I love her...

Now, if she'd just stop the FB flirting & put out, we may be ok... lol.


----------



## cory275

omg... grow some ballz... are you seriously crying about dishes and vaccuuming?? cleaning sucks.. no one wants to do it. your wife is hitting you over the head that she's not being appreciated EVEN BY 75 CENTS!! 

i cant stand housework either and my hubs doesnt do anything around the house.. but he takes me to dinner... he's offered to let me quit my job because he knows how much it sucks... he brings home flowers so the rooms look nicer and he literally says "Thank you!" i think after years of your hubs coming home and not appreciating the hours it took to sweep, mop and do laundry and dishes AFTER you got off work i wouldnt do that crap either. 

get over yourself and do something for her. sheesh...


----------



## Runs like Dog

Again, this is what illegalitos are for.


----------

