# Scared for the future



## lostmy73soul (Jan 14, 2011)

Scared about the future because I am unsure of a lot of things. My husband is a wonderful father and a hard worker and we used to be wonderful together in a time I can hardly remember anymore. What we used to think was love is now questionable as to what love is. The problems my husband and I have is as most, money. I am in a career but don't work half as much as him. I bring home a lot less but I contribute a lot more to other things such as #1 our son, everything there is to take care of a child (my favorite job, cleaning constantly, secretarial duties (appts,organizing papers, filing etc...)shopping, cooking, laundry, etc...I am scared if I work more my son won't get what he needs, the house will be a shamble (my husbands pet peeve), and nothing would be as organized? Our other problems are communication...simply we have no communication unless about money, our son, the house or a random thought or two. We never touch unless it is time to have sex (not as often as I would like), we never laugh together unless we are with other people laughing or maybe out on the "town" together (which hardly ever happens, and that is okay, I am not one that likes to be out a lot, now that we have a child. But do like to have that "adult" time. My husband is very critical when it comes to me. Likes to tell me I am being rude (when I feel I am not), likes to tell me how I should act etc...which does not fly with me and ends up in a fight. I always feel like he does not like the "real" me and wishes I would act different. My friends like me, my family likes me, his family likes me and most important I like my self, so why is it when I am around him I feel like I can't act myself for some fear of what I don't know. When I act goofy even with my child, he looks at me funny. Guess I am not to good at describing my feelings but I know I could keep going with this...I just am lost, and like I said before scared for the future because I am unsure what I should be doing to fix all of this. Do I all of a sudden not have a back bone? I can't just walk out on a life I have been building with this man for 10 years now. I do love him, I think. I know I don't want to be without him but is that because I am afraid of being by myself, what I would do, where I would go etc... I like my life and most of the time can go on with everything the way it is because it is just easier that way but I don't want to wake up one morning and my life has passed and I did not experience the love I know I deserve and him have the love that he deserves but for some reason doesn't seem to want it from me? If anyone can give some advice on this...maybe I can find an answer and get to living this life a little better. I lost my mother at an early age and know in my heart that life is to short to have all of this worry and unhappiness.


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Well, your husband is sounding like he has somewhat taken control of you inside, that you cannot be yourself. You are not YOU. 18 years ago I was in a relationship like that and it took me 2 years to build the strength to get out of it, however, I was younger and had no daughter or house,etc. the whole thing was that it wasn't ME living with him. 
Money and communication are two of the biggest problems in marriages. I have been married now for 12 and half years and both of these are huge in ours. My marriage is sounding a lot like yours EXEPT that he doesn't stop me from being myself, I just don't feel like ME because I've been drained out trying to save this marriage for 5 years for my daughter. Well I tried for 3, the past 2, I stopped, and instead just live in this house for her sake.
Are you trying to save it? speaking out? telling him you want to? do you truly want to? he cannot control you? what does your family think about you with him?


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## lostmy73soul (Jan 14, 2011)

It is funny how comfortable you can become sometimes with your life and then some days where you get the "out of body experience" and realize, "What the heck am I still doing here, I am not happy" Everyday is different and most of the time I am pretty laid back and happy, my husband on the other hand is tightly wound, to say the least and can make me feel tense sometimes when he is around. I then get into my "own world" having fun with our son or getting into a project etc... or he is actually laid back and relaxed. It seems like a different kind of air when he is at ease. Why is it he should control how the rest of are feeling? My stepdaughter said once (she is now away at college) that "if dad is in a bad mood, everyone is in a bad mood" she said this at age 10...if that tells you anything. Am I speaking out? Every chance I get, like I said there is no communication and it is pretty much like talking to a wall or he acts like I am a pain for bringing things up and acts real aggravated almost looking like "are you done now". VERY IRRITATING! I am also a very touch person, love hugs, and just in general/modest touches, my son is the same way and wants me to tickle his back or his hair...hugs, kisses, etc....my husband on the other hand does not touch at all and when I try to give him a kiss or a hug, he makes a noise and almost acts like it is work. He says he loves me and does not want this marriage over but is he just saying those things in fear of the future like me. How do I know the truth of how he feels if I have to rip out any words from him? I have told him for years how I feel and nothing has changed, there are of course the days where he is in a great mood, positive and supportive till the next day he turns into a total different person. I know he cannot control me, I have been told I am a very strong woman, yet I don't feel that way because I am still living in a so so marriage...if that is what you would call it My family does like him but they are not close, he is very close with his mom and dad but tends to not want to be close to my family as much. My dad of course likes him because he seems to make me happy and is a good dad and provider, yet I don't share all of this with my dad. My sister and my husband were great friends before him and I got married and has now turned into nothing. My sister said my husband stopped being so nice to her and wanting to hang around once he won my heart...???Still unsure and scared of the future. I appreciate your reply, reassures that other people are out there feeling the same things you are at times. Hope everything will open up for both of us...new oppurtunity, new life or fixing the life we have whichever it ends up being, we can do this!


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Sometimes it's sad to hear the similarities we have in both people, some of you and some of your husband I have, and of course I have to admit - it's the bad stuff, yuk.
When you mentioned he doesn't like to cuddle or anything, was he always like that? Because you know, I no longer want to either. But deep down I do, I want to hug, and hold, and kiss, and be with a loving friend - and my husband just no longer seems to fit the shoes or the pants or anything.... So was your husband ever romantic, loving? If yes, then perhaps something's gone wrong?
I'm also a "moody" person, like your husband, I have to cool down when someone "ticks" me off. And everyone in the house knows to stay away from me. But because I've been aware of it and realized how it's affected my 11 year old's and my relationship, I've learned to work with it. To relax a lot more. He should be pointed out the effects it's having on the kids.
the biggest thing that I'm realizing now is that I don't want my daughter to think that what she is seeing in this house is really what relationships are about. Are you showing your kids what you believe is a real, honest relationship? Are you ever going to be happy, be you in yours?


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## lostmy73soul (Jan 14, 2011)

Well I have now tried talking to him again with hardly any response but to say "you always think this is my fault" without even saying anything about anything except...We need to change things or get out of this relationship. He was worried about our 6 year old and I said, "I love my child, you love your child, he will be fine, Kids don't need to see parents who hardly speak and think that relationships are like this. He has agreed to see counseling...I gave him a choice of that or that I was leaving. At least he took the first, he also knows there is a problem and neither of us know how to fix it. My husband used to be very romantic....roses in the bath tub, roses on the bed, baths ran for me after work, fixing dinner by candlelight, snuggling etc.... He made the comment to me last night "Are you looking for a fairy tale relationship, and I told him "No, I am just wanting to be loved like i deserve and like you deserve...not a fairy tale but to laugh with my spouse, have fun with my spouse, and be loved by my spouse. That is not a fairy tale life, that should be a good marriage. We will see this week about our appointment. I hope to one day be happy in this marriage. I hope to find the friendship we once had, I know marriages are tough but if you can't look back and smile about the good times when you are going through the bad then something is wrong!!! It has been so long that we have seen the good, there is no more looking back. We will see? Like you said though, the children should not have to see a marriage that is not a happy one. They should know that there is real love out there and that there parents are in it, or get out before you ruin yourselves and your children. Right?


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Well, you have made him realize how serious you are. It sounds like he is hearing you. And no, he isn't happy about it. Now make sure the appointment is booked immediately for the counselor. 
There is so much familiarity in our (mine & yours) relationships but I think there is a lot of this that goes on everywhere. It's just that others work hard at wanting to fix it. 
Are you two, YOU, still madly in love, or even simply still in love with your husband? Me...I can honestly say that over the last five and a half years I have fallen out of love now. I had to "make" him go to counseling with me 3 years ago, and yes we did what the counselor said while seeing him. But as soon as the counseling ended my husband was back to the old ways - nothing happening in the marriage. Perhaps, I am, in his eyes expecting "a fairy tale relationship", because Romance movies are my favorite. But like I mentioned earlier, I want to be with a lover, a friend, more then just then person that lives in the house as me.
Oh yes there is real love out there, my sister has been married 33 years, and you'd think they are newlyweds. My parents as well, still sit side by side, and compliment each other, kiss each other, etc in front of everyone. It is there!!!! We simply have to make sure we are with the right husband/wife and that we truly work on our relationship and keep it alive. Because it continually takes work as we change but when we love each other the change is acceptable.


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## ETC1 (Jan 20, 2011)

lostmy73soul said:


> It is funny how comfortable you can become sometimes with your life and then some days where you get the "out of body experience" and realize, "What the heck am I still doing here, I am not happy" Everyday is different and most of the time I am pretty laid back and happy, my husband on the other hand is tightly wound, to say the least and can make me feel tense sometimes when he is around. I then get into my "own world" having fun with our son or getting into a project etc... or he is actually laid back and relaxed. It seems like a different kind of air when he is at ease. Why is it he should control how the rest of are feeling? My stepdaughter said once (she is now away at college) that "if dad is in a bad mood, everyone is in a bad mood" she said this at age 10...if that tells you anything. Am I speaking out? Every chance I get, like I said there is no communication and it is pretty much like talking to a wall or he acts like I am a pain for bringing things up and acts real aggravated almost looking like "are you done now". VERY IRRITATING! I am also a very touch person, love hugs, and just in general/modest touches, my son is the same way and wants me to tickle his back or his hair...hugs, kisses, etc....my husband on the other hand does not touch at all and when I try to give him a kiss or a hug, he makes a noise and almost acts like it is work. He says he loves me and does not want this marriage over but is he just saying those things in fear of the future like me. How do I know the truth of how he feels if I have to rip out any words from him? I have told him for years how I feel and nothing has changed, there are of course the days where he is in a great mood, positive and supportive till the next day he turns into a total different person. I know he cannot control me, I have been told I am a very strong woman, yet I don't feel that way because I am still living in a so so marriage...if that is what you would call it My family does like him but they are not close, he is very close with his mom and dad but tends to not want to be close to my family as much. My dad of course likes him because he seems to make me happy and is a good dad and provider, yet I don't share all of this with my dad. My sister and my husband were great friends before him and I got married and has now turned into nothing. My sister said my husband stopped being so nice to her and wanting to hang around once he won my heart...???Still unsure and scared of the future. I appreciate your reply, reassures that other people are out there feeling the same things you are at times. Hope everything will open up for both of us...new oppurtunity, new life or fixing the life we have whichever it ends up being, we can do this!


*This is exactly how my marriage is as well, with other problems added on, but we do have sex, but no kissing hugging ect, and when i try to be affectionate its like he is appalled and hell give me a mother kiss or hug with a pat on the back, and my sons are also very affectionate and i do the same with them,,,i was very broken down from the stress of my relationship/marriage before i logged onto this site, and , it has been a major comfort just to not feel alone. So many similarities. *


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

Yes, there are plenty of relationships suffering in some ways. 
Myself, I have finally decided to go to a counselor on my own. One whom I can discuss my problems, our marriage problems with. It's someone I don't know (no friend or sister). I need to see if there really is some thing that can be done to save this marriage?? I really need to talk this out.


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