# Selfish Sex



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

I have been married since 2007 to a man whom is not only unaffectionate but has a fairly low libido. Yes, I knew something was wrong when we never had the "rabbit" period while we were dating. 

He barely initiates sex and I get tired of being the one that does it. So given that, long periods of time can go by without sex. After awhile, I just lose interest to be honest. I feel undesirable and have learned to adapt which is to "just forget about it"

If it's been long enough, he will initiate but he lasts for maybe 3 minutes? Then he doesn't do anything for me. I can see this happening if you are a teenager or just entering the sex world but we are talking about a 39 year old man. How can someone be SO selfish?????

When I bring it up and tell him that it bums me out that he is so quick and that it makes me sad that he doesn't care enough to please me, he says "I'm being mean?" 

I can please myself later when he isn't' around but this is ridiculous that it has come to this.

Thoughts?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I've struggled with Premature Ejaculation in the past - still do sometimes.

It hurts your confidence, so naturally your interest in sex drops. I find that when we go longer periods with no sex, its harder for me to hold off. Just like anything else, the more you practice, the better you get.

Also - when you are focused on "how long will I last", it takes a lot of the fun out of it.

We have a lot of oral sex. If I take care of her first, then a lot of the pressure is off. Also, I last longer when she performs oral on me, which helps build my confidence.

Maybe just do some things for him for a while - take the pressure off - and help him learn to enjoy himself again. It will also build his stamina and hopefully his interest may pick up again.


----------



## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm in the boat of 'You don't use it, you blow it faster!'

If I go long stretches without sex, I come a lot faster. So if you're going weeks at a time without it, he'll not last a long time when you do.

Suggestions to improve it: 
Talk about it. Explain your feelings to him and ask him why he thinks he's not interested in sex. 
Get his T levels checked. If he's always been this way, maybe he has low testosterone? 
Try the 72hr challenge. For one month, have sex at least every 72 hrs. It's said that the more you have it, the more you will desire it.


----------



## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

Raindrop said:


> I have been married since 2007 to a man whom is not only unaffectionate but has a fairly low libido. Yes, I knew something was wrong when we never had the "rabbit" period while we were dating.
> 
> He barely initiates sex and I get tired of being the one that does it. So given that, long periods of time can go by without sex. After awhile, I just lose interest to be honest. I feel undesirable and have learned to adapt which is to "just forget about it"
> 
> ...


I would imagine this is an embarassing thing for him which may be why he won't initiate. Men grow up masturbating and many can get themselves off in a minute or two....does not help their performance later in real relationships.

Since you've already brought up the issue with him......maybe you could discuss/read on ways to conquer his premature ejaculation issues together. Try not to discuss this when after he has blown his load in 3 minutes and is probably feeling inadequete. Explain how you want both of you to enjoy being intimate more often...... you could possibly use this as a time to really discover somethings about yourselves. Talk about what you would like him to do to you besides intercourse that can help you acheive an orgasm. Look up Dr Kevin Leahman's book "Sheet Music" and read it or similiar books together.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I like nice777guy's answer with him pleasing you first to take the pressure off him. Plus, dont say to him you wish he would last longer, all he will hear is what a failure is in your eyes and he will go crawl into a hole.

It sucks having the higher libido... Im right there with you and Star. Im having a horrible time with it... it was easier not having sex with my ex husband with his ED... as at least he had a valid reason he didnt want sex. He also wasnt as hot as my current husband.

I understand what blue [email protected] are like for a guy, believe me! Try watching your hot husband get ready for bed or for work and then nothing. Agghhhh


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Dryden said:


> If I go long stretches without sex, I come a lot faster. So if you're going weeks at a time without it, he'll not last a long time when you do.


This is pretty normal. the more cum built up inside the faster the orgasm comes.


----------



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the replies but I still don't get it.... why not finish me off if he already did in three minutes? He knows me... he knows that I can orgasm quickly and easily... this makes me think he is very selfish. 

And yes, it's harder having the higher libido. Although, I have quelled mine pretty well in the last couple of years. I'm not a cheater so the only solution is to take care of myself or forget it. 

If I ever want a passionate and uninhibited sex life, I will have to get divorced. He just isn't a sexual guy.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

In his mind, he's just "failed again", so he may not feel like doing anything else. Our egos can be very fragile when it comes to sex.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

He is avoiding finishing you off bc it would require more time of the excrutiating experience that sex is for him. It may not be selfish, it may be self doubt at this point. He may feel so inadequate he wont even try so he can run back to his "hole" and escape the painful reality in his head. I wish there was a way to tell him that, but telling him so would make it worse for him. I feel your frustration.....

Yes, possibly the only way to have mind blowing sex would be with someone else as he cannot even bear to come out of this nice safe hole he has created for himself. I have resolved that as well. If I want to have someone to act out my fantasies with, it will be after this marriage from death due us part... is there sex up in heaven? Sex in our marriage, even when its good, is just wham bam... there is no passion coming from him at all... it is porn sex he goes for the buttons and then the big O and its done... no cuddling no staying inside me for a bit just to enjoy it a bit longer.... no role play, no dress up, no texting, emailing... nothing. Not getting my hopes up either as they will be let down.

Again, I feel your pain and resolve, and am staying like you.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Marriage counseling might work, but I would suggest he see someone on his own about depression/issues first.


----------



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

Choose2Love,

I know what you are saying about not wanting to come out of his hole. I think at this point, he would have to care enough to want to put a little effort into it. 

This morning I was feeling frisky (probably because the lack of satisfaction) and initiated. I was all ready to go... we started to have sex and he went soft half way through. I didn't say a word. I just let it go but I am finding it harder to have an orgasm with him and easier during masturbation. THis is highly unusual for me so clearly his broken ego, lack of wanting to satisfy me, etc is probably having an effect on me. 

It's a vicious circle. It also doesn't help with the fact that I had an amazing sexual relationship just prior to meeting him so, often I fantasize about that. Ugh.


----------



## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

Is it possible he's not attracted to you. Sometimes men marry for reasons other than passionate love.


----------



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

sfguy said:


> Is it possible he's not attracted to you. Sometimes men marry for reasons other than passionate love.


Believe me, I have already thought of this possibility. I wish I really knew the answer to that because if indeed he is not attracted to me, I would be gone in a nano-second.


----------

