# Curing "Doormat Disease"



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Hi all,

Bit of a long read ahead, so thanks in advance to anyone who reads the whole thing and gives some input 

After reading RDJ's thread on changing your marriage by changing yourself, I took a look at myself. This came about in the light of several things that happened with my boyfriend, as well as something I was told during my current internship.

Some background, and some psychobabble to follow: I'm 27 years old now. Growing up, I was always told to serve the needs of my family first, especially my mother. My own needs never counted for anything, as a matter of fact, when I was young, and ever tried to say "no", it was met with punishment, yelled at that I was selfish and it was "wrong" to behave that way. I suppose this is a large reason of why I feel like I'm such a "doormat" today, which hasn't served me well in my relationships, friendships, or my schooling / jobs. I was always discouraged from doing the things I liked, discouraged from my hobbies and to always make the family look good...who cared about whether I was happy or not.

In fact, not too long ago, after doing some research, I found out that I most likely had a narcissistic mother. I, in turn, showed classic symptoms of children of narcissistic parents, as well as what's been called "doormat syndrome".

My father has always tried to teach me differently, but he was always away, traveling, and then when my parents divorced when I was 12, I saw my dad about 1-2x a year after that, of course, in the light of my mom consistently saying horrible things about him. So I never listened to any advice he tried to give me (until recently), despite him constantly telling me to "put yourself first, always take care of yourself first". 

In my previous relationships, I noticed finally, that I behaved the same way over and over again. I constantly went out of my way for my boyfriends (and family and friends, for that matter), did what they asked, was unable to say "no" to them. I think they all naturally took advantage of this and began to do things on their own without discussing anything with me, brushed off my concerns, and didn't care about fulfilling my needs, even though I fulfilled theirs and thought I was being a good girlfriend. I showered them with attention and presents when they never returned the favor. I dumped both of my exes for the same reason...the resentment built and built to the point where I practically hated them.

When I first got together with my current boyfriend, he said one of the things that he loved about me was that I was independent, wasn't always available, and was different than his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends. Unfortunately, the biggest reason for that was because I was living with my mom at the time, who doesn't like him and consistently did not want me to go out with him. So it was easy for me to say no to him and be "hard to get", that, and I wasn't in love with him until a few months after we had been dating. My boyfriend works 2 jobs and has a son, with whom he has visitation 2-3x a week, and often doesn't get home until late on the weekdays, so he is a busy person. Unfortunately, he can be a doormat himself, which doesn't really help me at all.

However, I've felt rather pathetic in the last several months, after I moved into my own apartment. Generally speaking, my world began to revolve around him, and I could not help myself. My friends, family, and hobbies all fell by the wayside, and even to a certain extent, my schoolwork (although I did pass, no problem). I've acted this way before in previous relationships, so this is nothing new for me, unfortunately. Simply put, I feel taken granted by my boyfriend, as I have in previous relationships. I feel as though I give and give and don't get much in return. Again, this goes for dealings with my family/friends as well (for example, my family never visits me, except my dad, but I always have to go out of my way to visit them).

Now, if any of you have read my previous thread re: Vacationing without your S/O, this came in light of him telling me he needed some more space. Previously, he would never dream of running off on vacation with his friends, or even go out on a guys' night if it meant he couldn't spend time with me. 

Now, we see each other about every other day. He has told me that he thinks I grew too dependent on him and that he misses the strong, independent woman I used to be.

Outside of relationships, this has affected my friendships as well...I have a friend who is a little flaky and would cancel on me, in which I wouldn't say anything about it and would just see her when she was free. She got mad at me for talking to her boyfriend once, didn't talk to me for a year, and then all of a sudden wanted to hang out again. I agreed because I didn't have many friends left in my area...most of them had moved away.

I'm in the healthcare field, doing my final internship, and my clinical instructor recently came up to me with some feedback. He said he felt that even though I was smart and knew what I was doing, he said I was too passive and needed to be more assertive, if I wanted to be successful. I've had several clinical instructors mention this to me. He felt that, many times I was unable to tell a patient "no", even if their requests were completely unreasonable at the time.

On the flip side, sometimes I can act and think selfishly when I realize I'm being walked all over, and I can't seem to find a balance between the two extremes. Simply put, I want to change this aspect of my personality. Has anyone ever dealt with this successfully before? Or knows someone who has?

Any tips on what I can begin doing? Or can recommend any good books / websites to read on this subject? I feel like I know WHAT I need to do, but I don't know HOW to go about achieving it...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Both of these books have been recommended previously to many posters:

Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life (9780310585909): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Amazon.com: Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality (9780385249379): Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: Books

As a former 'easy going, don't rock the boat, don't make a fuss' kind of guy ... I can tell you outright, having the life you want is worth making a fuss, and rocking the boat, over.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

Research on Boundaries would have been my answer too. 

Noone can make you their doormat unless you let them. Boundaries really help with that.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

You can also look for groups/meetings for Codependents (CoDa.org). It is the 12 steps, same as for AA. They do have online forums for this also. You can search if there are any meetings close in your area.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you want a book directed specifically to women...very popular I might add.... though the title may be off setting, I liken this to the Female "No More Mr Nice Guy" ....

 Why Men Love Bit**es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship 

Though my 1st choice for a healthy foundation to explain the benefits of standing your own and NOT feeling guilty for it ....is the "Boundaries" book by Cloud & Townsend, has been one of my favorites over all of these yrs. That one really opened my eyes .... One of the best !


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I've also read The Nice Girl Syndrome.. it was a good one.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Galian,
Your instructor said you are "smart" - the magic word. Lets accept that you will never be comfortable with "combat", and that is perfectly ok. You don't have to be. 

Because with some focus and effort you can become skilled at conflict. And conflict, managed effectively, rarely turns into combat and when it does, you can generally pass the buck up the ladder at work. 

The beauty of this situation is that there are a small set of patterns that once mastered, apply to most situations. 

At work, it goes like this:
1. Patient is upset about something reasonable
You: I am sorry that happened and understand why you are upset, how can I help you?
Patient: Making ridiculous request
You: That isn't something we normally do, (pause followed by hesitant voice) I can ask if you like?
Patient: Well that is what I want, so get your supervisor if you don't have the authority
You: Ok, I will do that, I will get her/him here as soon as possible, it may take a bit because he/she isn't scheduled to come by until (later today). 
Patient: I want to speak to someone NOW! 
You: I want to help you (help does not equal get them what they asked for - it means help them overall). I might be able to speed up the process if I understood why this is urgent.
Patient: (irritated) Sounds like you don't think it is important 
You: I do think it is important, I don't think it will be perceived as urgent, unless you help me so I can explain it. 
Patient: Fine, do the best you can
You: I will, and I will try to swing by in an hour to check in on you
Patient: Thank you

Note: This is a scenario where you used limited authority appropriately. With a less aggressive patient, this works better as they accept the suggested process. You go ask your boss, they say no and you come back with "I asked, my boss said we don't do that". Normally that is end of story. 

If they complain about something that is normal such as "I had to wait in the ER for X hours before being seen", you can empathize with the emotion, without apologizing for what is a normal situation. In that case: I am sorry that happened, I know it is frustrating. ER's do triage, sometimes that means the heart patient who comes in later than you did, gets treated before you. 


This post is for relationships:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27179-boundary-testing-handbook.html





galian84 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Bit of a long read ahead, so thanks in advance to anyone who reads the whole thing and gives some input
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Book: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And here's one that's a real quick read but VERY powerful - it teaches you how, in easy steps - to say NO to people without them hating you. IMO, that's your #1 issue - fear of what people will do if you say no. It's called The Dance Of Anger. And it is amazing.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I started going to Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). As already mentioned, you should check this out.

You'll here things and stories during the meeting that will really resonate with you. You'll find people that will support you and you'll be given some direction in how to handle it going forward.

You need to take it seriously because your relationships will continue down this path until you stop the pattern of behavior in yourself.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Wow! Thanks for all the responses, they've helped a lot =)

I'll definitely check out some of those books. I checked out codependents anonymous, and that seems to help.

MEM, I have to say, that does sound like some of the patients I work with! 

My boyfriend also has a problem with being unable to say no sometimes, as he's admitted, so maybe some of this stuff may help him as well.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A lot of people have criticized "Why Men Love B*tches" but I can tell you that it's a solidly grounded book that's never going to turn you into a bad person. It will help you understand why being that self-sufficient, assertive woman is appealing to men. 

One thing you can do right away is to say "no" to others' requests at least once a day using some of these techniques: 

"I'm sorry, but my schedule is too busy to take that on right now." 
"I'll have to decline this time, but I'll look forward to the next time." 
"I'd like to, but it's not a good time." 
"I'd prefer not to."


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