# My 180 Beginnings - My very 1st blog



## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

I have started the 180, I am working on myself. When my dh left I had a non working car and was a SAHM. Well I sold the car and got a newer one. I am searching for a job now and have a couple of possibilities for childcare. I am really doing my best here  

I have lost a little weight, even though it was from stress I feel better. I take more care in my appearance. I don't have much money but what I do have I have been buying groceries and paying what bills I can manage.

I am only thinking of staying the marriage home until the D is final, I have no family here, I moved here for him, so I have no problem in leaving. 

I contacted him last night about finances through email, that's all the email showed no hurt emotions from me just business. I haven't received a reply but already feel better about it. 

I do hope that we will be able to end this madness, if not I know me and our kiddos will be fine too. I plan to speak with more attorneys tomorrow and my goal is to file the papers this coming week. If I had the money I would go to IC, I will try to look for some resources for that. I am trying my best not to ask my family for help with money. 

I would also like to thank everyone that reads my posts here on TAM. This site is basically my hub right now. I really appreciate the support and the stories. Any encouragement is great for me, as I am going at this alone now.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

I also have a question of advice. Would it be the wrong thing to do to write your WS a letter/email telling them what you have realized about the issues since you have been separated? I would just like to note that I would not put anything in the letter involving references to the future but to show the WS that I do understand some of the things they are upset about. Maybe in an effort to diffuse the situation so we can be civil to each other?

I know the 180 suggests not to initiate contact so I am just wondering is it something that would help at all? Has anyone else done this and how did it work for you? Good or bad?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

wow good for you! You should be proud of yourself, you have proven that you do not need him. Keep up the good work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

Thank you so much!


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Write it if you must, but don't mail it. It will only make you look weak in his eyes. Show him you understand through your actions to be different. Words are cheap, actions are valuable.

Maybe at some point you can share with him, but I don't think now is the right time because even though you say you won't make reference to the future, the whole reason to write the letter is to say SEE? I've changed because of these things you need/want. (which implies we can be together again)


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> Would it be the wrong thing to do to write your WS a letter/email telling them what you have realized about the issues since you have been separated?


wrong? no. against the 180? yes. useless? definitely. the other person isn't in a place to hear your epiphanies right now.

i can't tell you how badly i've wanted to correct the wrong things my x has cast at me in her revisionist accusations. my dialogue isn't something she's interested in. yours won't be either. save the growth for yourself. 

good luck!


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

Thank you! I really don't want to look weak in his eyes. You guys are right I should keep working on myself and just show by actions how I have changed. Sometimes it is just hard. Though I will keep pushing on!

Will keep everyone updated if anything changes here. I am grateful to have you TAM folks  I appreciate your help!


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

My dh has decided he wants to R. We have spent some time with the kids together and we are going to mc but why do I feel so empty when I am around him? I feel like he isn't putting in his 50%, like he still wants to have his cake and eat it too!
Like I said before I have trust issues with him, he has had EA's in the past, possible PA's and he lies to me. 
I have told him I don't think that he is doing his part and he gets upset. He has talked to me about trying to see someone else, he says now that we are trying to R he is ending it. I just see the way he talks and his mannerisms that he isn't telling the truth. 

I don't want to make things worst and snoop around on him, I had the urge to go through his cell phone when he left it out one day and I stopped myself. Only because I am trying to work on my trust issues with him and I didn't want to give in to the things I did in the past. 

Any tips on working on these trust issues within myself? Is this void feeling normal? 

I feel like he is here but he isn't, it's frustrating!


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## Lynn2437 (Jul 19, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> My dh has decided he wants to R. We have spent some time with the kids together and we are going to mc but why do I feel so empty when I am around him? I feel like he isn't putting in his 50%, like he still wants to have his cake and eat it too!
> Like I said before I have trust issues with him, he has had EA's in the past, possible PA's and he lies to me.
> I have told him I don't think that he is doing his part and he gets upset. He has talked to me about trying to see someone else, he says now that we are trying to R he is ending it. I just see the way he talks and his mannerisms that he isn't telling the truth.
> 
> ...


If he isn't 100% commited to R and will not own his mistakes and problems this cycle will repeat I fear. He needs to realize if he wants you that he has to make some real changes in himself then work on your marriage. 

It's hard to have trust in someone who made a commitment to you and then broke that commitment, I know. I never in my life ever thought I couldn't trust my wife but I do now. If you do truly reconcile, trust will come back.

My W is a cake eater, I am working on myself while she does nothing but party with friends and neglect domestic responsibilities. She will not at this point own her part of it and I cannot force her. Your husband, like my wife will have to come out of the fog on their own, or not, as painful as that is the hear and say. 

I'm sorry for you. Chin up. Two months in and I am def a better person for this, even though it still hurts like hell.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

mykidsaremyworld said:


> My dh has decided he wants to R. We have spent some time with the kids together and we are going to mc but why do I feel so empty when I am around him? I feel like he isn't putting in his 50%, like he still wants to have his cake and eat it too!
> Like I said before I have trust issues with him, he has had EA's in the past, possible PA's and he lies to me.
> I have told him I don't think that he is doing his part and he gets upset. He has talked to me about trying to see someone else, he says now that we are trying to R he is ending it. I just see the way he talks and his mannerisms that he isn't telling the truth.
> 
> ...


Listen to your gut. If it's telling you he's not all in, then he probably isn't. You have a better feeling of what he's doing and thinking than we could. Trust your instincts. 

As the WS, right now it's his job to put in 100%. If he's not doing that, then I believe it'll be a false R and you two could end up right back here again. I would just tell him exactly how you feel. If he resists, continue with the 180 confident that you established boundaries, won't be his doormat, and won't accept his crumbs. But if he hears you and does what is required...that's a different story. 

Really, you have all the power here. It's your choice to R or not. He can't force you. Tell him your expectations regarding R; if he can't or won't meet them, then keep up the 180 and press forward. He'll either eventually come around or you'll divorce him and move on and avoid a disastrous false R. Either way, you come out on top.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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