# Where to start !!



## Chay (Aug 19, 2011)

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum, but I joined as I really feel like I need help and I just don't know which way to turn right now.

I have been married for 2 years, been with my husband for 7 years altogether. When we first met he was everything I had ever wanted, loving and caring and well just wonderful. However after about 2 years he told me he was addicted to Porn. Over the years the Porn addiction has got worse and worse. Right now he regularly talks to women online.. sex chat.. though I know for a fact that he has never physically cheated on me. When we do have sex he often wants to do things I am not comfortable with and then he just calls me boring... believe me I am not!

I don't feel he loves me anymore..some nights I come home from work and he hardly looks up from his computer.. I feel we are just best friends.. We have no children by the way and we are in our 40's

Now everything was looking pretty miserable for me, and I begged him to stop talking to these other women, but he says they are just friends thats all..and won't

Then to add something to my life, I started playing a game in May.. just a silly war game thing 

Well through that in May/June, a chap I will call Dave started to talk to me.. he lives about 300 miles away and is divorced. From day 1 I just got on with him and things have got really close with him. He says he will never say or do anything to break up my marriage, though he flirts with me.. and we have chatted on the phone many times now, he is everything I possibly could look for in a man.. He hasn't stated he loves me or anything.. I feel that the fact I am married is stopping him, but I know he likes me very much. I have told him I love him as a friend and possibly as a man,but he didn't say it back, but said he loves me as a friend too and finds me so intelligent and interesting, but that I am in a really difficult place at the moment.. 

What the heck should I do.. Should I continue with my friendship with Dave, or should I just concentrate on my sad marriage..

Thanks for reading 
Chay


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Resolve the issues in your marriage or get a divorce.

Axe Dave.

Your husband needs to axe the online sex chatting. 

You are both cheating.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

BEWARE of the on-line relationships. Not quite reality. Also, you need to talk to your husband and strongly encourage going to marriage counseling ASAP. Otherwise, the two of you will be headed towards an ugly divorce. be smart. Use your head and not your emotions.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

The both of you are involved EA's. I don't know how many times I've heard of spouses having EA's with others playing WoW. Either you both confess and get into MC, stop all contact or you get divorced. You're online relationship is on the fast track and your husband will no doubt move on to PA's...especially since it started with porn and has escalated to video sex.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your husband used to make you feel like your new boyfriend does now, didn't he? New is always better. But they ALL soon get old. 

The crappy man you know is better than the crappy man you don't. Work on that one.

EDIT: I skipped over his sex perversions. Time for divorce. You'll then be free to talk to your new beaux.


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## Chay (Aug 19, 2011)

Thanks for your replies wow that was quick.. I know that the majority have said I should forget Dave, but what I like about him is that he so normal, no perversions.. yes I guess he could just be saying that but I do believe him and he is the only thing in my life that makes me smile at the moment.. I couldn't have children  The weirdest thing too is that my work has just opened another office in Daves home town.. honestly the coincidence is freaky!!

Whereby my hubby's porn addiction has got so bad I just don't think there is a way out for him. Normal sex is just boring for him!! so he just hardly bothers anymore ! Of course I care about my husband very much, but he would rather have online sex with a woman than his own wife, and that makes me really sad as you can imagine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1. Stop romanticizing Dave. You're having an affair which makes you just as bad as your husband with his cheating too.

2. Tell your hub how it makes you feel. Set a hard bounadry.

If you guys can't resolve your issues and commit to eachother, part ways.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dave is as much a threat to your marriage as is your husband actions. Perhaps more so since these bimbos have no intention of forming any actual relationship with him.

Dave on the other hand is already worming his way in. Please read through other peoples experiences in these forums with "innocent" chatting with guys in games. Go read HurtingInTn's story about his wife's innocent chatting and how she ended up abandoning her family to drive and have sex with the "just a friend" for two weeks. Read about how their marriage is now over.

So ditch Dave. He's no friend to you or your marriage. 

Now for your husband and you. Have you tried counseling? Have you tried sex counseling? 

You've got a life and a connection with your guy. He's got a problem, but one that the two of you can work on.

Dave will, not might, but will kill your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dave is a homewrecker! 

There, I said it! LOL


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Resolve the issues in your marriage or get a divorce.
> 
> Axe Dave.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## Chay (Aug 19, 2011)

Thanks guys, however I appear to have to have turned into the bad guy here when my husband has been having sex with girls online for the last 5 years.. he won't go to counselling, he won't attempt to change.. he calls me boring when I won't adhere to his strange needs. I have to do all cooking and cleaning and pretty much everything whilst he is glued to his laptop.

The thing is out and about we laugh and have fun, but just not in the sexual way anymore..

Now I have just chatted (not had phone sex) to "Dave" and suddenly I am the cheater on my husband !! its weird how you guys see this... ok I understand you think this Dave could be working me to alienate my husband, but he will not talk about my husband or prejudice my mind in anyway about him.. honestly we just talk about normal things.. everyday stuff..

anyway thanks again


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

You are having an emotional affair. That is cheating.

This in no way justifies your husband's behavior or is justified by your husband's behavior. He's a cheater too.

You are married until you choose not to be married or your spouse gives up on you. That means you need to focus on your spouse until one or both of you calls it quits.

You have 3 basic options, two reasonable:
1) Stay and work on your marriage.
2) Divorce.

The only bad option:
3) Being disloyal to your spouse.

By staying in the marriage while "confiding in Dave", you are doing #3, which is cowardly. Pick #1 or #2 (and if you pick #1, you can always change your mind later if you give up) and do it fully.

If you do pick #2, do you really want to end up in a new relationship with someone who chats up unhappy married women online and gets into EAs? (That would be Dave, btw, and he's likely to do it again. He maybe having multiple EAs simultaneously.) There's lots of better fish in the sea than Dave.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Couple of things... You say you've gotten really close to Dave, and love him as a man. Doesn't that seem like the definition of an emotional affair to you?

Second. You're here asking for advice. Your husband isn't. If he was here, he'd be getting similar advice as you're getting. Either work on your marriage or get out of it. Those are really your only two ethical choices. 

This is coming from someone who cheated on their spouse, so please don't think I'm judging you. Your marriage is not going to improve if you continue the path the two of you are on. In fact, I suspect it's likely to get worse until things blow up in both of your faces.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Chay said:


> Thanks guys, however I appear to have to have turned into the bad guy here when my husband has been having sex with girls online for the last 5 years.. he won't go to counselling, he won't attempt to change.. he calls me boring when I won't adhere to his strange needs. I have to do all cooking and cleaning and pretty much everything whilst he is glued to his laptop.
> 
> The thing is out and about we laugh and have fun, but just not in the sexual way anymore..
> 
> ...


The OW in my husbands life never talks about me either. Only to say if you love me why won't you leave her. They do that for a reason. Don't be fooled.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Chay said:


> Thanks for your replies wow that was quick.. I know that the majority have said I should forget Dave, but what I like about him is that he so normal, no perversions..


you say this guy is normal, however he is engaging in an inappropriately close friendship with a married woman. That is not normal. Your friendship with him in not reality. You have absolutely no idea who he is. He may have a wife he isn't telling you about who is sitting at home, typing on a forum just like you. Don't let yourself fall into the fog that your H is in with his online "friendships". These OW could be making your H feel the same way you are feeling about Dave. This shouldn't make you take any blame for his actions, but he is being fulfilled by them in some way or another. 

If you are committed to fixing your marriage, then you BOTH need to cut out the extra people affecting your marriage and focus on the improvements you need to make with eachother. These online friendships are incredibly dangerous. They seem so innocent at first, but there are no filters, no immediate consequences to our behavior. You need to be careful about where your head is, because if it is a fog with Dave, it will be impossible to make rational decisions regarding your H. 

Ask yourself this... Do you want to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution? If your marriage falls apart, and you find yourself moving on alone will you be satisfied with your contribution? Marriage is an all in deal, otherwise it will fail. If you find that your husband is incapable of being all in with you then you need to D. If he is not respecting your feelings and what you are doing isnt working, then you need to do something different (180). 

The bottom line is, figure out the situation with your H before even considering your friendship with Dave. If you are bringing him up on here, then he is obviously an issue with the you and your marriage, which means you must have no contact with him. The people on here recognize that immediately, and in order to help you have to be honest. All of us know infidelity in one form or another, so this is the advice you get...ways to avoid infidelity. We all know how much it sucks no matter which end you fall on. You are not the bad guy. You are not the good guy. You are 1/2 of an equation that is your marriage. Everyone who has posted on here has taken time to think about your situation and give you honest advice based on what they here. Take it for what it is, opinions given to try to help your situation.

I wish you the best of luck with your marriage, and hope that you are able to find peace in your heart.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Perhaps your husband has enough issues that he will not be able to make himself a very good husband for you ever. That's possible. But dating another guy isn't the greatest way to solve marital problems.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband needs IC to deal with his porn addiction and if you goolgle those terms there is a group specifically for that. YOU are sharing a part of you that is intended for your husband - there is no such thing as opposite sex friends unless it is in a group of people and you are COMPLETELY comfortable talking to your husband about it. Are you? I sincerely doubt it which means you are cheating as well and getting a buzz off of the secrecy. STOP IT NOW and cut all contact being sure to him you are completely done!


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## pipe1 (Aug 15, 2011)

Porn is an addiction just like drugs, it can be overwhelming at times, and can lead to all sorts of fantasys in the mind, and yes its cheating on you.

because now he thinks you are boring, he need help. You are having a EA thats cheating too. you both could use MC.


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