# looking for more caring and conversations - a zombie situation



## nerdvm (Aug 8, 2009)

Hi!

I'm new in here. Seems like really nice conversation board. 

Exactly a typical situation in my marriage that reflects
the problems; It's a saturday morning. I've taken the dog out and came
cheerily back inside. She's already on Facebook. Her facial
expression doesn't change a bit, keeps staring at the
laptop's monitor. She's going to pound the social service
for hours on end. Might be there in the evening.. Playing
games and mostly browsing, not writing so much. 

We talked about this in marriage counselling, and decided
that there's a ban on computer on weekends. I'm a geek
and spending a lot of time on computer but can withstand
from it when we're together. I have only recently really
felt the acute feeling of being robbed of another's feelings;
instead all the energy goes to the computer society. 

If I confront her, she's going to light up for a second. 
We'll kiss, but it'll go away. Then again into the zombie.
No talk. No romance. Just living together. She's 35 and
I'm 32, I won't accept we'll be roommates for the rest
of our lives. Both have talked about divorce also. But 
I don't feel that's any kind of solution. We don't fight
anymore so much, and have had good times and definitely
will have more. 

We went through a hell. I was hospitalized with manic
depressive illness. Spent 3 months there. It was very
confusing times. Then I recovered and have had a good
recovery except that seems there's still problems with
emotional side. Like somehow I feel we're not connected
anymore. Sometimes feels like this marriage is doomed,
but mostly I'm quite optimistic even though I know we
could enjoy it much more. We're kind of "bored" or
letting go.. Seems like that.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you may not realize the extensive effects your depression has had on your wife. 

dont get me wrong, im not saying it is healthy for the marriage that she be online all day and emotional void, however, it may be justified right now.

you mentioned an agreement during counseling that there would be no internet during the weekend. is that not happening? have you asked her about it?


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## nerdvm (Aug 8, 2009)

Yes, that's a very good point. :iagree:

I know I can't "change" or direct suddenly the marriage to new rails. It takes a lot of time and effort. I'm partially to blame for breaking the internet ban.. Often been there myself after work, because I keep having the energy and ideas after 4pm when there's a slightly manic event going on in my life.

I'm just curious as to what would the best means to show how much I care about her. She's told me that she would be fine with just our daughter and the dog, which was a strike through my heart. I don't know whether she knows how much that hurt. She is warm hearted inside; I met a lovely woman who was smiling and kept joking and we had superb conversations. Nowadays it's so chilly. That's what worries me. And I can't ever be sure whether it's me or is she just having a bad week..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nerdvm said:


> And I can't ever be sure whether it's me or is she just having a bad week..


you can be sure she's not just having a bad week. she told you she would be ok with her daughter and the dog. that's her telling you she wants to leave. 

i really dont know how you can show her you care because i dont know her. can you recall anything she's said from the past about it? fights you have had where she said, 'you dont do x, y, z' ? that would be a good place to start. 

Oh, and check out voivod's thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...7019-ive-never-read-anything-so-profound.html


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## nerdvm (Aug 8, 2009)

We had a discussion today. Basically I ranted about the fact that we're really stuck and acting cold. We don't have a way to communicate and know each other's ideas through Facebook only. 

Yes, it made a lot of new facts appear. I hadn't understand how much she was taking in from all the pain that happened when I was hospitalized. What I thought back then was "what a bummer, but life goes on". What she thought was that our whole life was torn apart and into pieces. She's right, and I can only start to appreciate how much she has done. I really, really do hope it hasn't made her too cynical about things. Because I know that me being bipolar is a hard challenge. My energy levels are fluctuating and sometimes I have 50 new ideas in the calendar for a week, waiting to be blogged. It's all about me,me,me then. But I'm learning it little by little, to be more considering and always try to see other side of things. What I'm doing is adjusting the real world vs. what I have planned. Because honestly sometimes the plans are far from reality. 

When I look back it explains a lot. Looking forward, I'm very positive but also acknowledge that relationships don't come automatically. It's good advice that I should pay more attention to the little things she said. There are a lot!


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