# Creating a 'hospitable environment' for sex



## Scarlette (Feb 6, 2012)

My husband and I have had some very long dry-spells in the recent years. I'm talking 6-8 months long! This is very hard on both of us and we keep running into problems when we finally do decide to have sex after such long periods.

We both have difficulty initiating and getting past embarrassment. Another obstacle for me personally, is that there are some things that have to be "just right" in order for me to even consider having sex:

- We both have to be clean / showered
- Breath needs to be fresh, etc.
- My legs and lady parts need to be shaved
- The lights have to be low
- There needs to be some sort of sound (radio, tv, something!) because the skin slapping/wet sounds etc. of sex are distracting for me
- Kids need to be asleep or with a babysitter elsewhere
- Can't be too full from dinner (it is very hard to feel attractive/sexually charged when my stomach has too much food in it)

All of these things make it so that sex almost has to be planned. Unfortunately, planned sex in and of itself makes us both nervous and we end up not being able to do the deed. The pressure just ends up being too much.

But, I think we've come up with an idea that will make having sex alot easier on us (without all the pressure, etc.) And hopefully, other sex-less marriages could benefit from their own version of our idea.

We've decided to just create a 'hospitable environment' for sex. Even if we don't actually do the deed, at least the environment is right and we both feel secure. This will make it alot easier on us for when we actually *do* have sex, and hopefully we won't have as many issues with initiating sex if we're both comfortable.

Our 'hospitable environment' means that I'll make sure I'm shaved every day or every other day, that we'll both brush our teeth properly before heading to bed, that we won't allow our kids to sleep in our bedroom (or maybe only rarely), that we'll try to have ligher dinners, etc. This way, everything is in order just in case we decide to try ^_^

I'm hoping this idea will help other couples who have difficulty initiating sex after so long or maybe it will give husbands a bit of insight as to all the random issues their ladies may be facing when it comes to sex. What do you think?


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## Mrs. Yes (Jan 5, 2012)

I can relate to the dry spells and how the longer they go the more frustrating they are and the harder it can be to get back on track.

Fortunately for me my husband has no problem initiating and that has kept us on track. Our obstacles aren't the same as ours - but I too have been working to get rid of the obstacles.

I really hope this works for you - don't give up. Knowing what the obstacles are and putting action in place to mitigate them is awesome. The fact that you are working together is perfect.

Hopefully this will lead to some anticipation of the act - I know that for me now that I am removing the obstacles I am eager to crawl into bed each night.

Good Luck.

I will never say no in 2012


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Scarlette said:


> I'm hoping this idea will help other couples who have difficulty initiating sex after so long or maybe it will give husbands a bit of insight as to all the random issues their ladies may be facing when it comes to sex. What do you think?


You have made a good post that will help people. I am not trying to scare you off with what I'm about to write. I am trying to help you and your marriage.

These are not random issues! These are all examples of you using your mind on purpose to avoid being sexual.

You could very purposely use your mind to make yourself more sexual. This is a choice you have the power to make.

The first thing you have to do is figure out why you are using your mind to make barriers to your sexuality.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I believe that Nike had a marketing slogan that might be good advice for you: "Just do it!"

In all seriousness, if its truly an issue of shyness or anxiety I would propose that you two commit to have sex (or whatever happens) every day or every other day or every three days (or whatever) over the course of a month. Don't think about anything except how it feels and how much you love each other. This way neither has to initiate per se as its scheduled. If it happens, great, if you just lie together naked and fool around that is fine too but at least it gets you in the habit of being sexual with each other . . . what's the worst that could happen?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think this is a great idea. There have been several posts on this forum about how wives need the sun and moon to align before they are interested in sex. Good insight into the LD spouse. People need to ask themselves how they can negotiate their blocks to intimacy, and this is a great way to start.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

finebyme72 said:


> I believe that Nike had a marketing slogan that might be good advice for you: "Just do it!"
> 
> In all seriousness, if its truly an issue of shyness or anxiety I would propose that you two commit to have sex (or whatever happens) every day or every other day or every three days (or whatever) over the course of a month. Don't think about anything except how it feels and how much you love each other. This way neither has to initiate per se as its scheduled. If it happens, great, if you just lie together naked and fool around that is fine too but at least it gets you in the habit of being sexual with each other . . . what's the worst that could happen?


After two or three days one partner unilateraly decides the deal is off. This triggers a massive row, or plants seeds of resentment about how little apparent commitment one partner has, leading to all kinds of bad stuff.

Well, you did ask!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wait let me slap on my Favio wig and ride a white horse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Scarlette said:


> My husband and I have had some very long dry-spells in the recent years. I'm talking 6-8 months long! This is very hard on both of us and we keep running into problems when we finally do decide to have sex after such long periods.
> 
> We both have difficulty initiating and getting past embarrassment. Another obstacle for me personally, is that there are some things that have to be "just right" in order for me to even consider having sex:
> 
> ...



No offense intended, but you could go a long ways to simplifying the stars that need to be in alignment to have sex, as well. For example...

Showered and clean. Yes, it's great to be fresh out of the shower. But for most people, living in normal temps and humidity, you're probably not going to go too far wrong even at the end of the day.

Lighting... Lighten up. But it takes all of about 1 second to jump out of bed to turn down the light. Put on a dimmer switch, if you want mood lighting.

Sound. Have a radio/iPod docking station by the bed. Again, about a second to rectify the "obstacle".

Fresh breath. Keep a container of breathe mints in the bedroom.

Legs and lady parts shaved. Ok, it's nice to have everything closely trimmed. And I've been spoiled for the last year with my GF taking great care of her legs and "lady parts". But even as she gets a little furry between waxing appointments, it in no way diminishes my enjoyment of going down on her. 

Dinner. How late do you eat dinner, that the "kids sleeping" and "too soon after dinner" are an issue? Different strokes for different folks, I guess... I can't eat too close to bedtime anyway

My point is, that there's a lot of things you can do to simplify things, and a lot of things that just aren't worth the worry. Lighten up and enjoy sex the way it was supposed to be. Otherwise, it's just making excuses.

C


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Wait let me slap on my Favio wig and ride a white horse.


:rofl:

You've had me laughing at near every post today!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

PBear said:


> No offense intended, but you could go a long ways to simplifying the stars that need to be in alignment to have sex, as well. For example...
> 
> Showered and clean. Yes, it's great to be fresh out of the shower. But for most people, living in normal temps and humidity, you're probably not going to go too far wrong even at the end of the day.
> 
> ...


Good suggestions!

Scarlette I commend you for trying to recognize what 'prevents' you both from connecting - I don't know how to articulate what I felt when I read your post but it's along the lines of taking a deep breath and loosening the upright sitting position. I think it's a feeling of being comfortable, of letting go, just being yourself. I wonder why these huge spans of disconnects really happen between you? I speculate that it's more than shaved legs. 

However ....! If you feel these aspects might help you feel more ready to be intimate without feeling as self-conscious, then by all means, have those breath mints at the ready!

I shave my legs every other day, at the latest. Damn hormones! My H does comment how smooth my legs are. I think being aware of heavy meals is a good thing too  We were both in the mood recently and I cooked a meal that was far too heavy. I vowed to cook lighter meals following that. Slothed on the couch because of too much carbohydrates does not maketh the sexy. I don't personally mind full light, sometimes we switch up between lights on, lights off, dimmed light, depending on the mood. There's always candles and a lighter at the ready in the bedroom. Music I can take or leave. We like the sounds we make, it's a turn on to us.

Even though I brushed my teeth the other night, he commented that I tasted like white wine. I don't know why but I felt embarrassed! but it was no biggie, he thought it was cute. We've done the morning sex, pre-shower, unbrushed teeth stuff before .....eww!! heheh ....and it's been just as sexy as the candle-lit, fully bathed, shaved/waxed, smelling of jasmine, evenings. 

If you feel it's going to help your mindset, go for it. I like maintaining my appearance and factors for myself anyway, and if that means I'm "groomed" for sex in that way, then better for it. He's aware of being sexually conducive to me too. He will jump in the shower if he's worked out or at the end of a long day. Or we might shower or bath together. How about starting the sexy-time before it's even sexy time?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Try it in a parked car at a state park (or national park, boat ramp, country road, Wal-mart, whatever).

Looking out the window for the cops to come hassle you is an outstanding aphrodisiac in a 20 year marriage.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

I will meet whatever conditions my wife wants, but in regards to my wife, her legs could be shaven/not, etc. sometimes I want her showered sometimes I CERTAINLY DON'T want her just-showered. I like genitals to taste like clean fresh musky genitals, not like soap! I like vagina not Dove... And if her mouth tastes like wine/alcohol, then WOW I'm in for a treat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

alot of sex obstacles in my house, i know how you feel


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## Scarlette (Feb 6, 2012)

So, hygiene is a pretty important factor for us. For the first year of our marriage, whenever we'd have intercourse (even after we had both showered directly beforehand!), a horrid smell would emanate from my lady parts for 1-3 days, despite many, many showers. This smell made me feel very self conscious and embarrassed because it worried me that other people may be able to smell it as well. Also, it was disgusting. 

Finally, I told my husband that part of the reason I didn't want to have sex so very often was because of that smell. It wasn't until I asked him matter of factly about his downstairs hygiene habits did I realize that he didn't know how to properly clean his foreskin. Whenever we would have sex, little gross things and bacteria from his (not-properly-cleaned) foreskin would lodge themselves in my lady parts, and the smell was because of those things and my own (good) bacteria trying to clean it out.

I gave him a tutorial on how to properly cleanse himself and also provided him with resources online where he could learn more about proper male hygiene, and the smell has not been an issue since, thankfully.

However, it still scares me that it might come up again, and that is why hygiene has become a "barrier" to our mattress mambo. Go figure! =P


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## Covertx (Feb 3, 2012)

This post made me think of the Chris Rock comedy skit where he talks about the differences in being single and being married. "If you like fcking, marriage ain't for you. I haven't fcked in seven years. You can have intercourse. Intercourse is what you do when she gets out of the shower, on the nice sheets. Fcking is what you do in the back of a rental car"

OP: I view hygene and your perverbial "hospitipal environment" as part of the evaluation of a person before i was willing to speak with, date, marry them. I wake up every day and take care of myself. I chose my wife because she takes care of herself in a manner that doesn't turn me off when I want to have sex with her, which is every second of every day. Maybe my standards aren't quite as high as yours, but I just wonder why anyone would care more about their hygene for sex, then they would to cuddle on a nighly basis, or to kiss your husband in the morning before he leaves for work, etc.


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## Scarlette (Feb 6, 2012)

Covertx said:


> I just wonder why anyone would care more about their hygene for sex, then they would to cuddle on a nighly basis, or to kiss your husband in the morning before he leaves for work, etc.


I don't think I understand your point here. Hygiene for sex is different than hygiene for cuddling/kissing. I don't have to shave my legs to feel sexy enough to kiss my hubby, but it is important that you know, his/my breathe isn't super stinky. I'm sure my husband isn't the only one oblivious to the state of their own breathe, but the fact remains that he is. 

This makes it hard to cuddle, hard to kiss, etc. etc. Its also tough to have sex without cuddling/kissing... so.. I imagine that if we ensure the environment is closer to ideal (that we both make sure our breath isn't horrible before bed), we will be more likely to cuddle/have sex/have quality time in close proximity to each other.

I'm not asking for the stars to align and I don't think proper hygiene is too much to ask. Maybe some of the wives that the men of this board have labeled as having a low sex drive are really just in need of their husbands to be more aware of their hygiene.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I would agree with some of what the others said. Some barriers can be overcome with the right mindset and persistence. Hygiene is important to me, but for me thorough showers and bed time teeth brushing are daily regardless of sex. However, some couples have such a narrow view of exactly what constitutes "proper married sex" that it amazes me that it ever happens... particularly if you have kids. It also strikes me as much less fun or joyful then it could be. There seems to be no room for silly, fun or spontaneous let alone acting on a sudden passionate impulse. The need for low lights and noise all suggest an overall level of discomfort and shyness about sex. 

HOWEVER, I strongly applaud your idea of setting yourself up for success!!


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