# It's finally time



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Hey folks, I've been around here for the past year or two and have gotten some pretty good advice from some pretty good people here while going through what has amounted to a high-conflict marriage. This is kind of just an update, but a big one. It's been just over 3 years, and while the good times were pretty good, the bad times have been unmistakably terrible. Terrible fights that led to really no real resolution most of the time. 3 separate marriage and relationship counselors that overall were unable to help us with our unhealthy style of communication, where the last one just straight up told us that he felt bad to continue to take our money. Needless to say it's been a long 3 years. 

We've been living in what I would call basically in-home separation for a while now while we each kind of mull over what a divorce would look like to us. Well, my wait is over and I've relatively recently shared with my wife what I would like to do moving forward. It's been my hope that she would be somewhat responsive to what I was thinking, but with history in this relationship, I should have known much much better. It was my belief that we would move forward with selling our home and split the proceeds, which with the upturn in the housing market in our part of the country would be somewhat sizable for each of us. I may have mentioned it a little too gingerly as I thought it was mostly a shared sentiment, only to find that she has no interest in selling the house and that she plans on continuing to live in the house. She also shared with me that she believes that no judge can force someone to either sell a house, nor can a judge force someone to refinance the house to put it in a single name, as opposed to both of our names, and that is something that generally needs to be agreed upon to happen. 

My fear of course now is that I'm going to be driven out of the home with nothing to show for it. I know this is work for a lawyer, and my foolish hope was to avoid working with lawyers because of high costs and whatnot. I spoke with someone who works in the realty business and his first word of advice was to get an appraisal on the home to find it's current worth. Does anybody else have any other advice that would be helpful to me right now that I'm possibly overlooking?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@hubbyintrubby 

In real life, a judge CAN and WILL force a person to sell a house or force a person to refinance in their own name if they want to keep the house. So just to reinforce you--you were not being to gingerly. Her expectations just are not realistic. Here's what IS realistic: when you two divorce, you will each receive 50% of the assets AND debts. So if you are both on the mortgage and the deed, and you both have equity in the house, she "could" keep the house by refinancing the owed balance AND YOUR HALF OF THE EQUITY in her name only, and you doing a quit claim on the deed. Or if you two made a list of all your assets, she could off you Asset A which has an equivalent value to the equity in the house. That means she keeps the house but YOU 100% keep Asset A of equal value. Make sense? 

Usually, people own one home, two cars, and a toy or two (boat, motorcycle, etc.), and they round out their assets with a 401(k) for retirement, and their bank accounts (let's say savings and checking). If you made a list of all the assets and one column was "what they are worth" (value minus loan), and then two columns...one for her and one for you...in the end the two columns need to roughly be equal. 

So she gets one car, you get the other. You get both toys but she gets the whole savings account (if they are roughly the same in value). You split the retirement and the joint checking account 50/50. And VERY, very often, you sell the house and split the proceeds. It's pretty rare for there to be assets that would equal the equity, but on occasion it might be "she gets the house and all the equity, and you literally get every other asset in full." 

If you sit down and list out all the assets (and include the debt that is against the asset so that you come to it's value), then maybe she'll see that she's not going to just "get the house." On the other hand, maybe she'll recommend an option like she gets the house and you get every other asset. I doubt it. But it would be on paper in black and white. And if she refuses to negotiate or understand or give an inch (as is her typical way of operating), that's when an attorney needs to become involved...but honestly, attorneys tend to just piss away the assets. If someone is unreasonable, though, sometimes attorneys are needed! And what will happen is that she won't like the fact that SHE has to follow the law same as everyone else. Your attorney will advocate for your best interests and hers will do the same, and then eventually a judge will make an order. Whatever the judge orders HAS TO BE DONE whether she wants to or not, and they very often do order that a spouse has 90 days to vacate and prepare the property for sale, and that the proceeds are split. So she would have 90 days to essentially get you a check for your half of the equity or else she'd be in contempt of court. And no judge takes contempt of court lightly.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @hubbyintrubby
> 
> In real life, a judge CAN and WILL force a person to sell a house or force a person to refinance in their own name if they want to keep the house. So just to reinforce you--you were not being to gingerly. Her expectations just are not realistic. Here's what IS realistic: when you two divorce, you will each receive 50% of the assets AND debts. So if you are both on the mortgage and the deed, and you both have equity in the house, she "could" keep the house by refinancing the owed balance AND YOUR HALF OF THE EQUITY in her name only, and you doing a quit claim on the deed. Or if you two made a list of all your assets, she could off you Asset A which has an equivalent value to the equity in the house. That means she keeps the house but YOU 100% keep Asset A of equal value. Make sense?
> 
> ...


Ha...I love that you preface your comments "In real life"...because I kind of thought it would be a fairy-tale of sorts for her to just keep living there with zero other repercussions. That didn't make sense to me. I appreciate your help in what you had to add.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I'm not really familiar with the laws related to this, but could she buy you out? Give you your half and you can just leave?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Uncontested fairy tales keep some people sane.
Even in IRL.

Ah, but sane, can be a temporary refuge when other peoples legal sales come to fruition.

Few good pies can be eaten free of moochers.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GC1234 said:


> I'm not really familiar with the laws related to this, but could she buy you out? Give you your half and you can just leave?


Aye, she could!


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

GC1234 said:


> I'm not really familiar with the laws related to this, but could she buy you out? Give you your half and you can just leave?


The way I understood that it worked kind of lines up with what @Affaircare stated above. That the most common way it works is that either the couple agrees to sell the house and any proceeds get split down the middle, or if someone wants to stay, they would have to refinance what is owed on the property plus my half of the equity of the house. I'd be fine with her staying in the house and cutting a check for my part of the equity, but it sounds like she has an idea where she can stay in the house, not refinance it, and not pay for my part of the house.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> The way I understood that it worked kind of lines up with what @Affaircare stated above. That the most common way it works is that either the couple agrees to sell the house and any proceeds get split down the middle, or if someone wants to stay, they would have to refinance what is owed on the property plus my half of the equity of the house. I'd be fine with her staying in the house and cutting a check for my part of the equity, but it sounds like she has an idea where she can stay in the house, not refinance it, and not pay for my part of the house.


Ah, so you think she wants to just be difficult? Why?
Also, what are the grounds for divorcing?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

What @Affaircare said is spot on. She can’t sit on a pile of money like some fire breathing dragon and claim an asset you both share. She will, in fact, be forced to refinance. When you two divorce, you will not have anything tied to her. What planet does she live on? Does she not know anyone who has divorced? Regardless of the marital problems, I’m shocked she doesn’t know anything about this process given the fact that you two have been on the rocks.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Ha...I love that you preface your comments "In real life"...because I kind of thought it would be a fairy-tale of sorts for her to just keep living there with zero other repercussions. That didn't make sense to me. I appreciate your help in what you had to add.


One thing you could do for now is to call one or two good area realtors and ask them for their opinion of value, what would they list for? what would it sell? for and how long do they think it would take to put under contract? Realtors will typically do this for free with the hopes if you do sell they will get the listing. If things go the contentious legal route you will likely need something more official like an appraisal but might as well wait on spending any money until you have to.

Get the home value and then do the financial statement as @Affaircare suggested. You can do all that free of cost and have something concrete and reality based to sit down and discuss in black and white terms with the STBXW. 

Good luck.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

GC1234 said:


> Ah, so you think she wants to just be difficult? Why?
> Also, what are the grounds for divorcing?


She wants to be difficult because she is a difficult, controlling person. Generally, if things don't go the way she wants them to, it's generally a fight to end al fights. At the very base, that is the grounds for the divorce. I've become someone I don't know and don't recognize anymore and the fights have been too much too handle for more time than I'd like to admit.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> She wants to be difficult because she is a difficult, controlling person. Generally, if things don't go the way she wants them to, it's generally a fight to end al fights. At the very base, that is the grounds for the divorce. I've become someone I don't know and don't recognize anymore and the fights have been too much too handle for more time than I'd like to admit.


Thank the China Virus lockdown for amplifying this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is the value of TAM.
It spells out what is normal in a marriage, and what is marital abuse.
Or worse, it exposes that nightmare that one faces every day.

You soon learn that you are not alone in your problems and in your unhappiness.
The fix is usually to seek counseling or divorce.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Three years, 17 topics created and you have not had the brain to consult with 2 or 3 lawyers in your area to have a good legal idea as to where you stand in the eventuality of a divorce? have you?, if no, why is that? A bunch of internet strangers will not give you that what you are seeking, go see some lawyers.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Three years, 17 topics created and you have not had the brain to consult with 2 or 3 lawyers in your area to have a good legal idea as to where you stand in the eventuality of a divorce? have you?, if no, why is that? A bunch of internet strangers will not give you that what you are seeking, go see some lawyers.


I wanted it to be a last resort, but I fear you are right, that that will need to happen.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So - she expects you to allow her to stay in the house while you pay?

good god - learn to say NO to her!
Say NO! You start telling HER how it’s gonna be!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I wanted it to be a last resort, but I fear you are right, that that will need to happen.


get an appointment ASAP! You need to know the legal rights in your area!

don’t be a pushover.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> So - she expects you to allow her to stay in the house while you pay?
> 
> good god - learn to say NO to her!
> Say NO! You start telling HER how it’s gonna be!


I didn't get the feeling she wanted to me keep paying for it once I'm out, no. No way in hell I'd be doing that anyway. I'm not the smartest, but also not the dumbest.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think what your going to have to realize is that you are living a fairy tale just like she is....just in different ways. She has house tales just like you have peaceful separation tales. Save your self the fairy tale and stop “playing divorce” and start working towards a real divorce and get a lawyer. File for divorce is the real story. 

Getter Done .....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife had always been an entitled little princess and that’ll never change. Of course, all the equity is what she wants. IMO, she married you for the material possessions that you could give her and a house is part of that as far as she’s concerned.

If you finally do untangle yourself, your children will be happy again and maybe you and your first wife (the good one) can reconcile. Yeah, I do sometimes still believe in fairytales.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, to getting an appraisal. No, to trying to get the princess to see the light.

IIRC, every other time you’ve tried to get out, she’s love-bombed you and made all sorts of promises and you’ve stayed. Hopefully, that won’t happen this time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His first wife would be an idiot to take him back.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> His first wife would be an idiot to take him back.


I agree. That's why I won't try. She's better than I'll ever be, and that's alright.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> His first wife would be an idiot to take him back.


Yeah, I think he said she’s moved on. And even if she thought about it for a millisecond, she’d never trust him again. That ship’s sailed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I agree. That's why I won't try. She's better than I'll ever be, and that's alright.


Hopefully, you’ll take a really long time to figure yourself out before jumping into another relationship.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Hopefully, you’ll take a really long time to figure yourself out before jumping into another relationship.


That is the plan.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> Three years, 17 topics created and you have not had the brain to consult with 2 or 3 lawyers in your area to have a good legal idea as to where you stand in the eventuality of a divorce? have you?, if no, why is that? A bunch of internet strangers will not give you that what you are seeking, go see some lawyers.


Talk vs action. OP is still in the “excuse to do nothing” phase.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I wanted it to be a last resort, but I fear you are right, that that will need to happen.


You need to get yourself out of trubby there. He's right. See a lawyer.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

When it comes to the division of assets, particularly a home where both parties are on the title, you NEED to lawyer-up. Granted, this is going to cost you $$, but at the moment it sounds like you are in the dark about your rights versus her rights. 

I get the feeling you aren't really ready or prepared to pull the plug on this yet. JMO.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> When it comes to the division of assets, particularly a home where both parties are on the title, you NEED to lawyer-up. Granted, this is going to cost you $$, but at the moment it sounds like you are in the dark about your rights versus her rights.
> 
> I get the feeling you aren't really ready or prepared to pull the plug on this yet. JMO.


There was a breaking-point a few weeks ago that sealed the deal for me. I know I've been weak in moving forward in the past, but this is really it. We are making a plan to tell the kids tonight, and they'll know by Wednesday night.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think your children will probably be happy. Hers may not be with the gravy train ending.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I wanted it to be a last resort, but I fear you are right, that that will need to happen.


Nay, blokey, tis' death that be your last resort, that k'uld refuge.

You' decaying, your body fully encased in clay.

Your fealty to your cruel Laird Mistress, never severed.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's deluded, so unfortunately, you're going to have to get a lawyer to force her to divide things equitably. Now, if there are kids involved, she might have a shot at keeping the house. Otherwise, no way. Are both your names on it? I mean, yes, if she agreed, you could just sell it with both signatures, but she's going to waste time and money, so you'll need a family law attorney to try to get through this. You should call one and ask him his rates and let her know that will have to be done, which will cost both of you if she doesn't want to split things up as is always done. 

If you have children, they are often left with the home. But you should be able to avoid that by simply demanding 50 percent custody. If you leave her with custody, then she will get support and likely the home. If you take 50 percent custody, as you should anyway, then neither of you has the financial advantage and you can both go get your own apartments.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's deluded, so unfortunately, you're going to have to get a lawyer to force her to divide things equitably. Now, if there are kids involved, she might have a shot at keeping the house. Otherwise, no way. Are both your names on it? I mean, yes, if she agreed, you could just sell it with both signatures, but she's going to waste time and money, so you'll need a family law attorney to try to get through this. You should call one and ask him his rates and let her know that will have to be done, which will cost both of you if she doesn't want to split things up as is always done.
> 
> If you have children, they are often left with the home.


We have kids, but not in common, so that's no issue. Both names are on it. A few months ago we'd talked about selling it anyway because the market is hot and we'd make quite a bit on it, but evidently her mind has changed. Either that, or she's just talking big playing the spite game and she really will just sell. I can't imagine what she would do with a house the size of ours by themselves. I went the lawyer route the first time I got divorced so I know generally how much it is....which is why I'd avoid it like the plague if at all possible. We will see.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> We have kids, but not in common, so that's no issue. Both names are on it. A few months ago we'd talked about selling it anyway because the market is hot and we'd make quite a bit on it, but evidently her mind has changed. Either that, or she's just talking big playing the spite game and she really will just sell. I can't imagine what she would do with a house the size of ours by themselves. I went the lawyer route the first time I got divorced so I know generally how much it is....which is why I'd avoid it like the plague if at all possible. We will see.


Good! So what you need to do is ask an hourly rate for attorney, but then also just google the name of your town and average cost to use an attorney to divorce. Make her aware of the costs. Sure, if she wants to sit back and not hire an attorney, then fine, but everyone will encourage her to also get one, so be sure she knows how expensive it is. 

Certain cases, you may ask a judge to award attorney fees. Here's one googled article on it.








Can I Make My Spouse Pay My Attorney’s Fees in Our Divorce?


Call (704) 370-2828 - Arnold & Smith is dedicated to serving our clients with a range of legal services including Family and Divorce cases. Can I Make My Spouse Pay My Attorney’s Fees in Our Divorce? - Charlotte Family Lawyer




www.arnoldsmithlaw.com


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I didn't get the feeling she wanted to me keep paying for it once I'm out, no. No way in hell I'd be doing that anyway. I'm not the smartest, but also not the dumbest.


well then, inform her IF she plans to stay then she pays you half of the value of the home - she would need to buy you out and change the title to her name only.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@hubbyintrubby, 

To give you a super easy, realistic idea, here's the formula:

Go to Trulia: Real Estate Listings, Homes For Sale, Housing Data or https://www.zillow.com/ and look up your address. Both sites give you an estimate (literally an estimate) of what they guess your place might sell for if it's in "normal" condition and you sold it right now. So take their estimate minus mortgage balance to equal your rough equity. Divide that by 2 (in other words, evenly 50/50) and that would be the amount YOU would get from the house alone. 

Make sense?

Estimate from real estate site - mortgage balance = Equity / 2 = YOUR HALF OF THE EQUITY. 

Let's use some fake numbers. If the real estate sites say your place is worth $350,000 and your mortgage balance last time you looked was $125,000 then equity would be $225,000 divided by 2 = Each of you getting about $112,500. If she wants to keep the house, she would have to refinance $125,000 + $112,500 ($237,500) in her name only all by herself and using her income and credit...and then she could keep the house. OR she could keep the house and YOU keep assets equivalent to $112,500 that she would have absolutely no claim to.

For example, you keep your entire retirement where *her half* would have been $112,500...or you keep the *six* perfectly restored classic cars valued at $40k each and she has no claim on them (remember, what she offers you in exchange for the house would be HER HALF OF THE VALUE OF THE ASSET...not the entire value of the asset, cuz you already own half of each asset).


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> @hubbyintrubby,
> 
> To give you a super easy, realistic idea, here's the formula:
> 
> ...


Be careful with that. My previous house sold for 125k higher than the estimate.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Be careful with that. My previous house sold for 125k higher than the estimate.


Right! Houses around here are selling like hotcakes and many times for more than the asking price. That part is a gamble, but one worth taking I'd say.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> She wants to be difficult because she is a difficult, controlling person. Generally, if things don't go the way she wants them to, it's generally a fight to end al fights. At the very base, that is the grounds for the divorce. I've become someone I don't know and don't recognize anymore and the fights have been too much too handle for more time than I'd like to admit.


I can relate to this.

But it was also my experience that when my XW started getting her bills from her attorney & realized she'd be paying those herself - no matter how much she thought she deserved - she got cooperative really quickly. 

You really need to talk to an attorney though; a good one should offer you a chance to talk for a limited consultation, without pushing you to file. I paid $500 for an hour meeting and discussion to understand the nature of the proceedings and likely outcomes and it was well worth it.

That will also help you understand what you would be entitled to under the law, so you don't listen to nonsense from your soon-to-be-ex.

For example my XW told me some BS about how there's no way a court would give me more than one day a week with my daughter. I think she was using this as a threat to keep me in the marriage because she knew I didn't want to lose that much time with her

I learned by talking to an atty that the standard default for possession in my state was one day a week PLUS every other weekend, AND every other holiday, and extra time throughout the year on top of that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Both names are on it. A few months ago we'd talked about selling it anyway because the market is hot and we'd make quite a bit on it, but *evidently her mind has changed.* Either that, or she's just talking big playing the spite game and she really will just sell.


This is why you need to lawyer-up NOW. I can guarantee you she'll change her mind just because. Doesn't have to make sense. Doesn't have to be rational. If you have a marriage of less than 10 years - and I believe you do - then it's not like she's going to nail you to the cross. But you need to force her hand to sell or buy you out of half the equity. Don't waste time. If you really want to divorce her - and I said DIVORCE not separate - then seek legal counsel, put down a retainer, and force the issue. Seriously.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I wanted it to be a last resort, but I fear you are right, that that will need to happen.


You can hold out hope, but go for consultations with the best 3-4 divorce attorneys in the area.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Mr.Married said:


> Be careful with that. My previous house sold for 125k higher than the estimate.


Yeah, just to be utterly clear, that's meant as a quick and easy way to be able to demonstrate "Oh shoot she could never come up with $112k in other assets" or a list in a hand-written quick sheet of "what all do we actually own?" It is IN NO WAY going to be actual!!!!!! Honestly, I think she's being unrealistic, and even a quick, round-figure search on the internet could bring your feet, @hubbyintrubby, right back squarely on the ground. 

In real life, houses sell for much more and the calculation for the mortgage balance is MUCH, MUCH more complex. It was just for a quick "rule of thumb"...


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Yay for your kids!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so glad to hear this!! You and your kids will be so much happier when this is all finalised 

I'm going to say it again - you need to book in with a lawyer asap, one who goes for the throat, simply because your wife is so high conflict. She'll fight you every inch of the way just because she can. A good lawyer will wipe the floor with her and your life will be so much easier.

Get the house sold or refinanced, tell her to pick one and stick to it, that you don't care which one she picks as long as you get your share and your name off the title and mortgage.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Right! Houses around here are selling like hotcakes and many times for more than the asking price. That part is a gamble, but one worth taking I'd say.


Same here. Hopefully any real estate agents providing an appraisal are smart about it.

in the end though, in my experience, the property division ends up a lot more ham-fisted than precise the more time you spend on it. And the nastier party will come out ahead because for them, an extra $1000 is worth sitting and arguing for another hour... the more reasonable party will be saying "_take it, go, let me out of here, this is NOT my idea of a good time!_"

also note that $1 in a checking account is worth more than a $1 in a 401K, unless you're already retired. You want to use that dollar in the 401K before then and you're paying a >10% penalty


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hubby........ she is stalling because everything benefits her. Get your ducks in a row. Then drop the hammer.

If you "are" 100% done with her as a W, you will enjoy watching her squirm. She will do some outlandish things, in your eyes.

But to the ones who have been around here awhile, it's typical, par for the course.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hubby I’m just now seeing this thread, and I am so very excited for you and your kids that you are finally getting out of this! I hope you are actively working on this and that you’ve hired an attorney by now. She is deluded if she thinks she gets to just sit on this house and not have to pay you your share. I hope it blows up in her face. 

As for you going forward, stay out of relationships when this is done for at least a year or so!  Seriously I’m so happy that you are finally doing this and wish you the best. 


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So that Wednesday you were talking about is long past. Did you tell the kids? Did you get a lawyer?


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## Crushedandconfused (Jul 22, 2014)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Hey folks, I've been around here for the past year or two and have gotten some pretty good advice from some pretty good people here while going through what has amounted to a high-conflict marriage. This is kind of just an update, but a big one. It's been just over 3 years, and while the good times were pretty good, the bad times have been unmistakably terrible. Terrible fights that led to really no real resolution most of the time. 3 separate marriage and relationship counselors that overall were unable to help us with our unhealthy style of communication, where the last one just straight up told us that he felt bad to continue to take our money. Needless to say it's been a long 3 years.
> 
> We've been living in what I would call basically in-home separation for a while now while we each kind of mull over what a divorce would look like to us. Well, my wait is over and I've relatively recently shared with my wife what I would like to do moving forward. It's been my hope that she would be somewhat responsive to what I was thinking, but with history in this relationship, I should have known much much better. It was my belief that we would move forward with selling our home and split the proceeds, which with the upturn in the housing market in our part of the country would be somewhat sizable for each of us. I may have mentioned it a little too gingerly as I thought it was mostly a shared sentiment, only to find that she has no interest in selling the house and that she plans on continuing to live in the house. She also shared with me that she believes that no judge can force someone to either sell a house, nor can a judge force someone to refinance the house to put it in a single name, as opposed to both of our names, and that is something that generally needs to be agreed upon to happen.
> 
> My fear of course now is that I'm going to be driven out of the home with nothing to show for it. I know this is work for a lawyer, and my foolish hope was to avoid working with lawyers because of high costs and whatnot. I spoke with someone who works in the realty business and his first word of advice was to get an appraisal on the home to find it's current worth. Does anybody else have any other advice that would be helpful to me right now that I'm possibly overlooking?


look at Zillow to get an idea. You can also go online and get a “offer” but it will be subject to a lot. Closing costs, repairs, fees etc. but it will give you a feeling for the market. Not all states have the same divorce rules. Fl is a 50/50. And your right lawyers are expensive. A non trial where a mediator is used cost me almost 7k. It’s different everywhere and of course you get what you pay for. Google is your best friend. Use the private web browser if she shares the computer. And most likely she will need to buy you out (assets or money). If you have a fair amount of equity you can try to find a lawyer that will work with you on getting paid after the house sells. They may charge you more tho. I’m sorry your going through this. 


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