# 4 Years Married . . . approx 1.5 Unhappy



## baastos (Sep 6, 2012)

Hello & Thanks for reading, I will try to make a summary at the bottom as I think this will be a long story.

I have read a ton on here and am starting to see my situation for what it is but I feel the need to vent and see if anyone outside of the relationship has any insights. I don't have any friends I am overly comfortable with talking to about this so this is effectively my only outlet/source of insights.


*The Beginning (First 6 Months)*

We met through some mutual friends about 5 and a half years ago and immediately kicked it off. She was a beautiful, independent, had a good job and was a caring individual at the time and I saw a lot of what I wanted in a girlfriend (and ultimately wife) in her. Things progressed very quickly for both of us and we were inseparable, I was effectively living in her apartment with her (packing a day bag virtually every evening and spending the night). At the time she was approx. 23 and I was 21. This stage of our relationship lasted about 6 months....

*Moving in Together/renting together (3 years)*

After the first 6 months we moved in together because things were going great and we wanted to take the next step in our relationship. At this point she was still very independent (walked home from work as she didn't drive, did laundry, helped keep the house clean, had her own friends and hobbies, etc.). I learned more about her and she decided she wanted to make a career change and go to school(local community college) in order for this to happen she got a student loan which I co-signed for as her credit was non-existent. After about 2 months of classes her grandfather fell ill and she stopped going to class and eventually dropped out (at the time she blamed it on grief, since she has admitted she wanted to drop out regardless). We are still paying off this student loan. Once this happened she spent the next month to month and a half trying to find a job. She didn't want to go back to her previous field so she was looking more at retail work. She eventually found a job as a sales associate in a clothing store and started working close to full time again. At the point of her grandfather's passing the family that didn't know that she was in a relationship with me found out and pressures started to get married. I eventually proposed as I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We continued renting and things seemed more or less fine, I was happy in my new marriage and with my wife.

*Buying a House (2 years ago)*

So inevitably we decided to buy a house approximately 2 years ago. This was hard from the beginning as by this point I had changed careers and am effectively self employed and a portion of my income each year is taken as a dividend(I am successful in my career), she had been promoted to assistant manager of the retail store she was at. As we applied for pre-approval we discovered that she had an identity theft issue in her past (a family member did this to her) and as such there were outstanding debts in her name that needed clearing up in order to get approval, also I had to get a ton of paper work together and jump through a lot of hoops due to my dividends and self employment. I paid off the outstanding debts in her name that her family member had racked up (using a small dividend to do so), I also pulled out my RRSPs to use as the down payment on our house at this point. She pressed charges on the family member but very quickly dropped them at pressure from her mother (I will not allow this family member in my home as I do not trust them). Ultimately we got the house and moved in things were good for the first few months then deteriorated quickly.

*The Fighting (1.5 years ago till now)*

She was still in a retail assistant management position (switched stores but same position) I am still self employed for a small company and wear a lot of hats at work each day. Currently I make approximately 3x the income she does, also currently the bulk of our non-joint expense spending is done by her (smoking, cell phone, clothes, coffees daily, etc.) We pool our money and pay the bills then I try to save and she spends throughout the 2 week period between pay periods. This has obviously caused resentment from me as I feel I am providing for her and she does not appreciate it (mostly due to other issues that I will outline). She also still does not drive though I have been pushing her to do so (and our community has horrid public transportation) so I drive her to work, pick her up from work, drive her to any appointments she has, etc. It is so bad that if I am away on holidays she will book holidays so she has to go nowhere if her mother can't drive her (this again has led to resentment). Due to her working retail and me working an office job our working hours are inevitably somewhat out of sync. This leads to each of us having about 12 hours where the other individual is at work to our selves. She spends this time sleeping and watching television, I spend this time doing all the weekly house work in our home(I cannot remember her ever doing laundry in the last year and a half, she has never mowed the lawn, cleaned the hot tub, taken out trash, etc.) The daily house work used to be a huge issue as well with me cooking a bulk of the meals, cleaning up after our pets and doing dishes. Since the last major blowout we had she has improved on the front. Our sex life is virtually non-existent this is for a number of reasons, I find it hard to be intimate with her with the other issues as I view her as somewhat of a child at times, She is very easy for me to please in the bedroom and has little stamina so she finished well before me (which has led to me faking completion at times because I just want it to end). I am naturally a high drive individual and I believe she is as well from the earlier stages of our relationship but I admittedly may be wrong on this point. 

*Summary (Skip to here if you don't want to read the whole story)*

So I am still in this marriage and things are not good, I am not happy and I don't believe she is either. I will ask her if she is and I get half answers so to speak. I have talked to her many times about all of these issues and each time I ask her what is wrong with me. Her only complaint has ever been that I do not show her enough affection which admittedly I no longer do a lot of because I don't feel the affection/connection. Each time I explain to her why it is hard for me to show it to her so she says she will work on those issues but it never seems to happen or is very short lived. I am at my wits end and I am not sure what I should do. Has anyone else been here or had some of these issues? Did you work through it? What helped? What worked and what didn't work? Any insights would be great! Thanks!


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