# My story of infidelity



## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

I know there is kind of a thread for this sort of post, but I felt with the length of what I typed, I did not want it lost in the comment shuffle. I don't know why I am posting this or even how I ended up here, I just know I am at the end of my rope and I am fearful that thigs are only going to get worse for me. 

It is a bad day 
______________________________________________________
Dear whomever cares to read this,

I am writing all this out maybe as a form of therapy for myself, but maybe I can get feedback that will help me as well. Also, for men who think that an affair is something they may want to try. If I can help one guy, maybe that will make me feel a little better.

To say that I find myself in a dark place would be an understatement. I spend hours of each waking day on an emotional roller coaster that seemingly never ends and the days only seem to get harder. My story starts years ago soon after the first child came into our marriage two weeks before our first anniversary. I was 24 and honestly looking back, was not ready emotionally for a child and a marriage that needed to support one. I was still a little caught up in having fun and even gaming on my computer. I am an IT professional for a living and the computer world has always been a large part of my life. Child two came into our marriage 2 years after number one and I had honestly not changed a whole lot. I am not sure if my lack of focus on our marriage and the kids came from me trying to escape mentally or if it was me feeling like a third wheel in m y own home because all of my wife’s efforts and love seemingly went into our children. Years passed and her and I seemingly drifted further and further apart. Sex became a chore for her and I don’t think it ever happened without significant begging and pleading on my part. We tried counseling, we tried talking, we tried books, we tried all kinds of things, but we always seemed to fall short. 

In August of 2012 I took a work trip to Houston, TX for training. I was going to be there for almost three weeks and it would be the longest amount of time I was away from home. While away on this trip the utter feeling of loneliness really crept in on me. I never knew how alone and empty I felt really until this point. While away on this trip I went out to random places in my free time and I was “open” to companionship. I didn’t really make any moves, but I think I knew inside if something presented itself I would most likely pursue it. Well needless to say a few things presented themselves and I DID NOT go after it. I remained true and actually learned a valuable lesson. I didn’t want to be “that guy”. I wanted to avoid that path and be everything my marriage, my wife, and my kids needed. 
From that day forward I started putting 100% effort into my wife and family. I organized activities, planned dates, performed chores, and avoided all “distractions”. I was feeling great about myself and all the work I was putting in. Months passed and I stayed true to my course and had many conversations with my wife about my new attitude and she had noticed, but she kept hanging the past over my head. I gave it more time and kept putting in hard work, but for her nothing changed. I was hoping that we would re-connect and things would get better with us, but nothing happened. Our sex life was still terrible and I was getting little to zero attention from her. 

When she and I talk about this time period now she admits she was holding onto past resentment and she refused to move on. Something we have learned since was about “The 5 Love Languages” http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ . Her and I both agree we were expressing love in ways that the other did not understand. I unknowingly found hers through all my hard work, but she was not expressing mine. Either way this misunderstanding lead to further downfall and the loneliness I felt kept growing.

The final straw for me was on Sunday, June 16 2013 (Father’s Day). We had a great morning together as a family with the kids and we were talking about what else to do that day. I don’t remember having a lot of ideas, but I was tired from working the night before and had to go into work late that night as well. She wanted to take the kids to a concert that was about 1.5 hours away that evening and I expressed that I really did not want to go and could not because of work. I did say I would like to do something together, but if she really wanted to take them then I guess she could go. So she went and I had dinner by myself. I can still remember fighting tears back as I ate dinner alone on father’s day, my eyes are welling up now thinking about it. I then went back to our house and sat there alone in the living room no lights, no TV, just the sound of the wall clock ticking and the fading light of the day and shadows creeping across the floor. I stared at the walls and sobbed in loneliness and pain for hours as my head spun. I recalled the last 10 months of turning all my life, habits, and actions around and where it has lead me. This was a HUGE turning point for me and will forever be a pinpoint on my timeline of life. Two days later on June 18, 2014 my life changed in a way I will never forget, EVER. I was on another work trip and I met a woman (I’ll call her Kris) I had never seen at a remote office my company owns. I can still remember the first time I saw her and it was like it happened in slow motion. I was struck by her aura as I later recalled it.

Kris and I seemingly had a very good chemistry from the very first conversation we had together. Nothing inappropriate, just professional talk about business and some minor idle chit chat. After a few days working there and a few short conversations I was on my way back home, nothing personal between her and I was ever discussed or even hinted at. The days following me being there, there were a few communications, nothing serious until I asked her for her cell number. Now there was a perfectly legitimate reason for asking at the time, but deep down I am sure I knew better. Late the following Friday I needed her assistance with an issue at their office and no one was there, I could get no answers on any of the phones so I called her cell. She was mowing the grass at home and apologized, it wasn’t a huge deal so we just laughed and that was that. The following Saturday I was working in my garage installing a new light and my phone got a text alert. IT WAS HER!

Kris and I began texting back and forth from this point very regular. We had pretty much a constant dialog that went on for the next month that was 20k-30k text messages. We also started talking on the phone and talking until 2-3am almost nightly. We also exchanged lengthy emails and stories about our lives. What I felt I found was someone that liked me and listened to me. Someone that really cared about me and I was important to. All these things I was missing for so long all of a sudden were being fulfilled and for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel so alone. Then came the day when she told me that she was not single, that she had a boyfriend she had been with for 5 years and that they were more like room-mates. 

She told me that they were over and that he would not leave, and how miserable she was. I then told her that I was married and felt like I was in much the same situation that she was. Kris and I connected on a whole new level at this point as I felt like much the same as she did. We had made plans for me to stop by and see her on July 3rd as I was passing through her area. We made these plans before we knew these details, but we both wanted to keep them. 

I stopped by in July and we met for a while and I gave her a letter that I had written to preface things I wanted to say. After hours of conversation and her grabbing my hand for the first time (the first time we touched) I stumbled and told her that I had fallen in love with her. I was choked up and so was she and we were both scared out of our minds. We went for a walk and talked about all kinds of things, but all I could think of was I wanted to kiss her. I stopped her mid-sentence while she was talking and say “Kris, I am sorry to interrupt, but I am having a hard time focusing on your words when all I want to do is kiss you, can I kiss you?” I pulled her in close and we paused, she buried her face in my chest until I pulled her chin up and our lips met. Nothing more happened that night other than kisses, but it was clear to us both that our lives would never be the same. I went back to my hotel and she went home.

Weeks passed and she and I got closer, I all but forgot about being married and what all that meant. All I knew was that for the first time in a long time I was happy and had something to look forward to every day. We continued to talk and make plans to meet, and did so. We met again and spent weekend’s together and made love. Then we started making plans and made ways to spend almost a week together at a time. All the time we kept making plans for the future and “us”. I was to leave my wife and she was to leave her boyfriend. 

She eventually ended things with her boyfriend and she and I continued as usual. Planning my exit from my marriage. When it all came down to it we had a conversation just before Christmas 2013 that I could not leave. The realization of me not being at home for my kids every day was too much for me to handle. I had to be there for them, I am their daddy and in some ways I am their world. From this point Kris and I kept trying to step back but we were always drawn back to each other. We met several more times and made many wonderful memories, but April 2014 was the last time I saw her. It was a soul tearing departure and we were both devastated, but we agreed it was best for all of us, my wife and kids included. 

Now I find myself sitting here 5 weeks removed from seeing Kris, and I am a miserable mess. Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her. All these wonderful things that I should feel for my wife, I don’t. I try and kid myself, I try and fake it, but they are all still there. How do I get back to the man I was before the affair? My wife knows of the affair, but not to the extent it was. She and I have talked about it for hours, and honestly my wife is doing all the things now and being the woman I always wished she was when I was trying so hard. This was a wake-up call for her, but is it too late for me? Can I get past all the pain, the guilt, the loss? Every day is a struggle and some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. 

If you are a man reading this and are thinking of an affair, please listen to these words. IT IS NOT WORTH IT! You cannot imagine the pain down this road for you, your wife, your kids, and your prospective lover. I spend every day hurting inside, seemingly mostly from the loss of my best friend (Kris). I know we had to cut things off but it is killing me inside and I feel like I am suffering alone in silence, but this is better than my kids suffering. I feel like I just picked the lesser of two evils and the pain and guilt is my punishment. I am living in my own personal HELL.

I have left a lot of details out, but this is the general over view, but for the few that read this, thank you and I appreciate any input. 

Lost and drifting into oblivion,
-Cast-Away


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Man up and tell your wife what you did and let her choose what to do with you.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

You need to have an HONEST sit down with your wife and tell her absolutely everything that happened.

Stop giving her trickle truths and tell her all of the details about your continued horrible choices and decisions. 

Everything you've posted so far is just about how much you idealize your affair partner and still yearn for her and that is absolutely not okay.

If you don't tell your wife everything I guarantee you'll go back to talking to the other woman just to get that high.

It is no longer up to you to have control and decide where your marriage with your wife goes. You lost that privilege when you went outside of the relationship.

Regardless of what your wife did to you, it is 100% on you that you decided to cheat continuously. Prior to that you could've had discussions with your wife to explain how you were feeling and communicate with her about the things you were going through.

Sit down with your wife, tell her every single detail, and be completely transparent with your phone, computer, whatever you used to communicate with the OW.

Furthermore, get yourself into therapy to figure out why you let yourself get pulled outside your relationship and why you still yearn for that OW. 

What you saw of the OW was not real. It's only a fantasy that you're chasing. You never saw her horrible sides, never saw little things that might get on your nerves, you only saw good things. THAT'S A FANTASY AND STOP IDEALIZING IT.

Come back to reality and speak truthfully to your wife and see if she'd be willing to go to MC sessions and reconcile.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hey at least you stopped at the kissing.

Could have been worse.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

See, ladies? Married men make very unreliable LTR partners. He's greedy, in it only for himself (and his little buddy) and in the end after he uses you, runs back to his cake.

This guy will do it time and time again. Claiming to know better, but will repeat. He is addicted to his selfishness. And - if he does leave his BW, remember, he cheated with you then he will cheat on you...

Proof? He'll never confess to his BW.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

So many affairs are..."just had to get away...." "Family life was just too hard..." Do you not think your wife ever saw a nice man...and thought????.. So many of us stop right there. You didn't.
While courageous, the community service warning of fall out from an affair, is nothing compared to what you need to tell your wife. The whole truth.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Q tip said:


> He's greedy, in it only for himself (and his little buddy) and in the end after he uses you, runs back to his cake.
> 
> This guy will do it time and time again. Claiming to know better, but will repeat. He is addicted to his selfishness.


What makes you the expert?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> My wife knows of the affair, but not to the extent it was. She and I have talked about it for hours, and honestly my wife is doing all the things now and being the woman I always wished she was when I was trying so hard. This was a wake-up call for her, but is it too late for me?


How did she find out?

Does she blame herself?

Do you have sex with her?

Is her anger over the affair growing?

re: your future
No contact with AP is a must. Eventually your love for her will fade. But it will take time.

Unlike some affairs that men get into, those driven by the desire for strange, yours was very emotional. That has been more damaging don't you think?

Did you tell your wife about the time you resisted being a inspiration to be a better husband?

Does she regret not responding to you then?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hardest thing I did? Confessing to my wife about my idiotic (revenge) affair.

Best thing I did? Ditto.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

lenzi said:


> What makes you the expert?


The same words you read...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Q tip said:


> The same words you read...


Reading words typed by some anonymous person on the internet makes a person an expert?

I NEVER knew that!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Reading words typed by some anonymous person on the internet makes a person an expert?
> 
> I NEVER knew that!


Reading your words made me an expert... ? I never knew that!
.
Ok, I give up. Married men make great LTR cheating partners. Usually, an opinion is not considered expertise. I bow to yours.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

"Time heals all wounds......unless you are always reminded of them"

NEVER, under any circumstances, should any man inform his wife of any extramarital activity no matter how insignificant. If a man keeps an indiscretion to himself and feels guilty he will, eventually, over time, feel less guilty, it will seem more like distant memory, and it will almost be as if it never happened after time passes.....life will move on.

But if he tells his wife about it he will always be reminded of the indiscretion by her......the "Time heals all wounds" aspect of human nature will not be effective and his feeling of guilt will never be abated. You may think your wife has forgiven you........but she hasn't and never will. So there is no benefit to your wife, or to you, to say anything. Keep it quiet.

As far as Kris goes she has moved on.......she will soon be having sex with other men, if she is not already doing so, in her quest to find "Mr Right". I suspect you are already distant memory for her - you should do likewise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counterfit said:


> "Time heals all wounds......unless you are always reminded of them"
> 
> NEVER, under any circumstances, should any man inform his wife of any extramarital activity no matter how insignificant. If a man keeps an indiscretion to himself and feels guilty he will, eventually, over time, feel less guilty, it will seem more like distant memory, and it will almost be as if it never happened after time passes.....life will move on.
> 
> ...


Because a relationship based on a lie (of omission) always works, right?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Hey at least you stopped at the kissing.
> 
> Could have been worse.


Read the post again. He didn't stop at kissing, he's already f$cked his wh0re. 

OP, do your wife a favor and leave her for the tr&MP that has no problem doing a married man. See how much she gets you when she has to live with you and deal with your sh!t day to day. Maybe your wife can find someone that's happy to have her. Boo hoo, I was a young, immature jerk but my wife didn't pay attention to me.....I was entitled to behave like a jerk but she still should've showered me with attention.

You and your sk$nk deserve each other.
And fyi, you didn't "make love". You f$cked a piece of trash that had no problem spreading her legs for a married man with kids. Big difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

Ouch man. A whole of judgement and hate coming out in this post. This guy at least cared enough to come here and tell his story. Now granted it's probably one with more of his side of it than anyone else's. 

Too bad the bs isn't on here. Then we could get both sides. 

There is another discussion on here of this very thing. Here he is, proving that many fall into affairs slowly but the no sex is a prime catalyst for an affair to start. 

Can we not cast horrible judgement on each person so quickly here? I expected more from intelligent adults. Let's seek first to understand, then to be understand. Because you can't possibly hope that this guy is gonna hear what your saying while you call a woman he cares for a wh0re. So unless your just gas bagging to hear your own written voice, then let's really try yo help with his marriage instead of just kicking him in the gut. Because just by coming here, he is asking for help. And he will be more likely to hear it from friends trying to help rather than bitter judgmental reactive screamers.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Because a relationship based on a lie (of omission) always works, right?


The importance and weight of the lie of omission will disapate over time - it will be on his mind often for awhile, and he will feel a level of guilt and shame, but over time the indiscretion will matter less and less. Eventually, after a few years, it will not even enter his mind; and of course she will have never known about it in the first place.

Telling his wife of the indiscretion would be taking the easy way out by transfering the burden onto his wife to forgive him (forgive him for the sake of the children, etc, etc,) - but by not telling her he spares his wife from this burden.

In essence his lie of omission will be made with the best interest of his wife in mind - the honorable and right thing to do.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Read the post again. He didn't stop at kissing, he's already f$cked his wh0re.
> 
> OP, do your wife a favor and leave her for the tr&MP that has no problem doing a married man. See how much she gets you when she has to live with you and deal with your sh!t day to day. Maybe your wife can find someone that's happy to have her. Boo hoo, I was a young, immature jerk but my wife didn't pay attention to me.....I was entitled to behave like a jerk but she still should've showered me with attention.
> 
> ...


In all fairness to the original poster no married man with children will ever stray from a wife who is meeting his emotional and sexual needs. The original poster's wife has to assume at least some responsibility for not meeting her husband's needs. It takes two to make a marriage. 

And in all fairness to the "other woman" she was lonely and fell in love with a man who happened to be married with a family - the heart wants want the heart wants. She clearly did not seek out a married man to fall in love with - she followed her heart; who can really blame her for that?

Men and women who fall in love, regardless of their marital status, have sex - it is just human nature.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Counterfit said:


> In all fairness to the original poster no married man with children will ever stray from a wife who is meeting his emotional and sexual needs.


What a crock. Of course there are men who have wives who meet their needs ... and the husband cheats anyway. There are also women who have husbands who meat their needs... but the women cheat anyway.


Some people have needs that no one person could ever meet. Some people feel entitled to cheat and see nothing wrong with it.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> The importance and weight of the lie of omission will disapate over time - it will be on his mind often for awhile, and he will feel a level of guilt and shame, but over time the indiscretion will matter less and less. Eventually, after a few years, it will not even enter his mind; and of course she will have never known about it in the first place.
> 
> Telling his wife of the indiscretion would be taking the easy way out by transfering the burden onto his wife to forgive him (forgive him for the sake of the children, etc, etc,) - but by not telling her he spares his wife from this burden.
> 
> In essence his lie of omission will be made with the best interest of his wife in mind - the honorable and right thing to do.


I can actually see and agree with both sides of this coin. On the one hand, you want complete honesty and transparency in a relationship but on the other hand, dumping your guilt on to an unsuspecting spouse doesn't seem right either.

My W has never had an affair, that I know of anyway, and if she did, I'd almost prefer that it stay unknown to me. When she and I were engaged, she kissed another guy when out at a bar with her friends one night. She had too much to drink that night and confessed a few days later to me.

I asked if that's all it was and she said yes, and that I could even ask her girlfriend because she was there when it happened. She said it was stupid, thoughtless and immature and wished it had never happened and that she'd never, ever do anything like that again. 

Well, my thought was that she made a mistake, caught it before it went anywhere and was sorry it happened. Lesson learned. I would have been better off, I have come to believe, if I had never known. I told her that if the situation were reversed that I likely would have never mentioned it but just chalked it up to a stupid thing I did one night and left it at that. I know that a kiss before you're even married is a bit different than what OP did but sometimes I think not knowing would be far better, I must confess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Counterfit said:


> The importance and weight of the lie of omission will disapate over time - it will be on his mind often for awhile, and he will feel a level of guilt and shame, but over time the indiscretion will matter less and less. Eventually, after a few years, it will not even enter his mind; and of course she will have never known about it in the first place.
> 
> Telling his wife of the indiscretion would be taking the easy way out by transfering the burden onto his wife to forgive him (forgive him for the sake of the children, etc, etc,) - but by not telling her he spares his wife from this burden.
> 
> In essence his lie of omission will be made with the best interest of his wife in mind - the honorable and right thing to do.


IF he does not tell his wife the how he really felt and what really happened, she will most likely not realize her own contribution to the disintegration of their marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cast-Away,

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. You and your wife would benefit from reading it. 

You are suffering from 'affair withdrawal'. The book explains it. 

It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. The two of you have a long road to go down. It's a lot of work. 

If you are profoundly unhappy in your marriage, divorce should be an option. See 50/50 custody of your children. You will most likely have to change your work schedule so that you take more responsibility for them.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What a crock. Of course there are men who have wives who meet their needs ... and the husband cheats anyway. There are also women who have husbands who meat their needs... but the women cheat anyway.
> 
> 
> Some people have needs that no one person could ever meet. Some people feel entitled to cheat and see nothing wrong with it.


I agree with you, Ele. Even those in good marriages stray on occasion.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This sounds like a tall tale told by a shortie.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What a crock. Of course there are men who have wives who meet their needs ... and the husband cheats anyway. *There are also women who have husbands who meat their needs...* but the women cheat anyway.
> 
> 
> Some people have needs that no one person could ever meet. Some people feel entitled to cheat and see nothing wrong with it.



I see what you did there. :lol::rofl:


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP- Your kids won't be enough to keep you from pining away for the OW... If you have detached from your wife to the point you cannot rebuild anything, you should be up front with her. The reality you know with your OW though will change the relationship you know, and bring a number of problems that don't yet exist. 

Your wife likely wants to do everything she can (including rugsweep your A) to keep her family together. What are you willing to do? How old are your children now?

The sad truth to effort from one side only, is that it creates a purgatory of stasis, disallowing movement in any direction from anyone. No one begins to heal until you or your wife moves on the situation... one way or the other. And it sounds like you're both afraid to. 

You have kids that sound young. My son was 5 when my marriage fell apart. That first Christmas without him was tortuous. You still have a chance to avoid that. It is a gift.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I see what you did there. :lol::rofl:


LOL


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Cast-Away said:


> Now I find myself sitting here 5 weeks removed from seeing Kris, and I am a miserable mess. Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her. All these wonderful things that I should feel for my wife, I don’t. I try and kid myself, I try and fake it, but they are all still there. How do I get back to the man I was before the affair?
> -Cast-Away


Cast Away my man, why don't you just cut the wife loose and go with your true love. Face it Dawg, Kris is the one that does it for you. After all, would any of this happen if your old lady hadn't put you on the lower priority list? Do you think its going to get any better now that the cats out of the bag? Here's a serious question. Would you really be willing to go back to being Mr. Cellophane (the man you was before the affair) with your wife, and never know or experience what you had with Kris? Once you've been to Oz, Kansas is going to be worse than it was before. Besides, you've been around enough to know kids from broken homes do as well and probably better then those with parents who hate each other. What is growing up in a freezer going to do to them.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Cast-Away*
> my wife is doing all the things now and being the woman I always wished she was when I was trying so hard



Your wife treated you badly and then you betrayed your wife and children. Two mistakes. Your wife is correcting her mistakes and you are waddling in your pain, guilt and loss.
*Get help with your pain, guilt, and loss but make up your mind that you are going to commit yourself to your wife and children and get a grip on reality and give up your romance novel fantasy feelings for Kris.*

You say “Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her” Your conception of love is perverted. That woman Kris cheated on her boy friend and knew that you were married and had children. What she did was a gross violation of the true definition of love. Your betrayal is also a gross violation of love. Do you really think that Kris, one who betrays, is everything about love? 

You are driven by being a needy person and then played with fire and got burnt. Kris is everything to you in your fantasy world. It is easy to attract someone when you do not have the responsibilities of a marriage, children, and all that life throws at a married couple. Your Kris will not be your fantasy girl if you go with her. Her breath will stink in the morning her farts will run you out of the bed and she will then demonstrate on you what she demonstrated on your wife and children. She will choose her selfishness over you and you will come crying and whimpering to anyone that will listen to your sob story



*You are needy and blinded about the true definition of love. You are just another person that thinks that love is all about your feelings.*


You can man up and do the right thing for your children or you can keep feeding your fantasy and if you follow your fantasy you will be in much worse shape than you are now


Your wife is correcting her mistakes
What are you going to do about your mistakes?


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

First of all, thank you for reading my lengthy post. I did try and keep my story as honest as possible and I tried to give as much detail as possible without getting too long. I understand that there are two sides to every story, but I did try and keep it real. I honestly am here looking for help, I am trying to right my wrongs and turn this ship around. I am searching for a way out of the darkness and I guess I blindly thought a site like this would be more about others seeking to help others rather than to pile on to my emotional weaknesses. Lucky for me I had prepared myself for such attacks and skimmed over most of the stone throwing. I will now respond to such hurtful comments nor will I engage in childish name calling or personal attacks. That being said there are a few responses I would like to make.




LongWalk said:


> How did she find out?
> 
> Does she blame herself?
> 
> ...


Longwalk, thank you sincerely for your constructive response. I know the love will fade with time, it does really help to hear it from other people.

*How did she find out?* I told her and gave her all the details of how it happened.

*Does she blame herself?* Yes

*Do you have sex with her?* Yes

*Is her anger over the affair growing?* No

*Unlike some affairs that men get into, those driven by the desire for strange, yours was very emotional. That has been more damaging don't you think?* Yes very damaging.

*Did you tell your wife about the time you resisted being a inspiration to be a better husband?* Yes, in fact I talked to her about it the day I got back that I was changing everything.

*Does she regret not responding to you then?* This is probably her BIGGEST regret, she feels terrible she took me for granted.






Emptyshelldad said:


> Ouch man. A whole of judgement and hate coming out in this post. This guy at least cared enough to come here and tell his story. Now granted it's probably one with more of his side of it than anyone else's.
> 
> Too bad the bs isn't on here. Then we could get both sides.
> 
> ...


Emptyshelldad, thank you for your voice of reason. I honestly have tried to lay out all the pertinent info here, but you are right this is me talking. As far as the attacks, like I said in my preface, I will not respond.



Mr Blunt said:


> Your wife treated you badly and then you betrayed your wife and children. Two mistakes. Your wife is correcting her mistakes and you are waddling in your pain, guilt and loss.
> *Get help with your pain, guilt, and loss but make up your mind that you are going to commit yourself to your wife and children and get a grip on reality and give up your romance novel fantasy feelings for Kris.*
> 
> You say “Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her” Your conception of love is perverted. That woman Kris cheated on her boy friend and knew that you were married and had children. What she did was a gross violation of the true definition of love. Your betrayal is also a gross violation of love. Do you really think that Kris, one who betrays, is everything about love?
> ...


Mr Blunt, thank you for your honest and constructive response. Your name truly represents who you are. I am working hard every day to get past this affair and try and correct my mistakes the best I can. My wife and I talk about our feeling every day. She has been beyond supportive. This situation has taught me that she has loved me more than I ever thought. Had I known that she loved me this deeply years ago, things may be different today. All I can do is live from this day forward and re-devote myself. I am trying to forget about the fantasy, and trying to paint it in a less glamorous light, but every day is a challenge.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Are you staying strong in the NC of the OW?

Have you given your wife your passwords and are being transparent?

You have your pain, but your wife will also. Try thinking about how you would feel if she had an affair.

I hope you can help her heal as well as yourself.

Stay strong for your family.


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Are you staying strong in the NC of the OW?
> 
> Have you given your wife your passwords and are being transparent?
> 
> ...


I am trying very hard, thank you for your words of encouragement. I have had no contact with the OW for quite awhile now. I keep hoping I will wake up and the pain will be gone, the sickness will be gone.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

you are a very lucky man. your wife is fully for R. and understands what happend and is tying to fix the marriege. Most BS dont do this, and i am one of them. But when thers real remorse and true R. then even i would give it a chance.
I think that you need more time with your family, being a wonderful father and dating your wife. The reason i say dating is because you need to find that feeling and conection you once had with her


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

jack.c said:


> you are a very lucky man. your wife is fully for R. and understands what happend and is tying to fix the marriege. Most BS dont do this, and i am one of them. But when thers real remorse and true R. then even i would give it a chance.
> I think that you need more time with your family, being a wonderful father and dating your wife. The reason i say dating is because you need to find that feeling and conection you once had with her


We are working at it, we just spent lunch hour on the phone talking about us. We have planned lots of stuff together (including a retreat) and we have taken up some hobbies that we do together. We really have been working on it, it is really hard to re-connect. I guess one day it will just "happen".

Part of the reason I posted what I did was the way I wrapped it up. I want to warn anyone thinking about an affair.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Cast-Away said:


> We are working at it, we just spent lunch hour on the phone talking about us. We have planned lots of stuff together (including a retreat) and we have taken up some hobbies that we do together. *We really have been working on it, it is really hard to re-connect. I guess one day it will just "happen".*
> 
> Part of the reason I posted what I did was the way I wrapped it up. I want to warn anyone thinking about an affair.


I hope that the colder part happens, but be prepared that it may never happen as well. I found about my WW and she and I have never been able to reconnect since. She has so many misguided feelings and thoughts and is still in the justification stage that it probably will never happen in our case and I have come to the realization that it is probably for the best.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> COLOR="green"]You say “Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her” Your conception of love is perverted. That woman Kris cheated on her boy friend and knew that you were married and had children. What she did was a gross violation of the true definition of love. Your betrayal is also a gross violation of love. Do you really think that Kris, one who betrays, is everything about love?
> 
> You are driven by being a needy person and then played with fire and got burnt. Kris is everything to you in your fantasy world. OLOR][/SIZE]




Come on Blunt, cut the guy some slack. His wife had him on a starvation diet. Anybody will become a needy person when their needs are not being met. Hopefully this is a wake up call for the old boys wife and she'll know to she can't just ignore her husbands needs. Her interest level in him has now increased because she can't take him for granted. Like they say in business, nothing improves customer appreciation and service better than competition.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cast-Away

Glad you came here and posted.

Keep up the good fight for your marriage.

I hope your wife does the same.

NC is a must. 

Glad you woke up and decided on your wife and family.

Now all you can do is give it your entire effort and support your wife that she does the same.

Good Luck and keep posting.

HM


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Come on Blunt, cut the guy some slack. His wife had him on a starvation diet. Anybody will become a needy person when their needs are not being met. Hopefully this is a wake up call for the old boys wife and she'll know to she can't just ignore her husbands needs. Her interest level in him has now increased because she can't take him for granted. Like they say in business, nothing improves customer appreciation and service better than competition.


ThePheonix, I appreciate your support, but I find no acceptable excuse for my actions. I am not looking for justification or trying to explain my actions. I am simply looking for a way to recover and find my marriage again. Mr. Blunt made a lot of valid points and there is no reason worthy of stepping out of a marriage. Yes there was space in my heart to fall in love with someone else. Yes I had conversations with my wife pre-affair and she chose not to take me serious (she knows this and sees it now we have discussed). 
I am sorry for what happened and she is sorry for what she contributed that lead to it. I think the important part for her and I to focus on here is not assigning blame, but to focus on forgiveness, moving on, and re-focusing on each other. Everything I have read and two different counselors have told us that "NO affair is the result of only ONE person in a relationship failing" they basically mean that both parties in the marriage play a role in what leads to an affair. I recognize my faults and what I did, she recognizes her faults and what she did. My wife just told me today at lunch "I think we are better now than we were 3 years ago" this was well before the affair mind you. What she is saying is that we are communicating effectively, making time for each other, making each other a priority, and listening to what we say to each other and taking it all very serious. It is sad that it took and affair for this wake-up call, but I tend to agree with her. We (my wife and I) will be a stronger marriage once we make it through this, and we will be a better couple.



happyman64 said:


> Cast-Away
> 
> Glad you came here and posted.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's a question Cast-Away if you want to answer it. If she'd treated you before your affair like she treats you now, would you'd done it?


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Here's a question Cast-Away if you want to answer it. If she'd treated you before your affair like she treats you now, would you'd done it?


I do not believe the affair would have happened, no.

But that really is all moot at this point. It does not make what I did right. I could have done some things better as well.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Cast-Away*
> I am sorry for what happened and she is sorry for what she contributed that lead to it. *I think the important part for her and I to focus on here is not assigning blame, but to focus on forgiveness, moving on, and re-focusing on each other.* Everything I have read and two different counselors have told us that "NO affair is the result of only ONE person in a relationship failing" they basically mean that both parties in the marriage play a role in what leads to an affair. I recognize my faults and what I did, she recognizes her faults and what she did. My wife just told me today at lunch "I think we are better now than we were 3 years ago" this was well before the affair mind you. What she is saying is that we are communicating effectively, making time for each other, making each other a priority, and listening to what we say to each other and taking it all very serious. It is sad that it took and affair for this wake-up call, but I tend to agree with her. We (my wife and I) will be a stronger marriage once we make it through this, and we will be a better couple.



Cast-Away
You and your wife’s attitude and plan to get better is one of the best starts I have seen here on TAM in a very long time.

If you follow your plan and keep your attitudes then you have a very good chance of getting past this damage and becoming a stronger and better couple. If you two complete your goal then your children will be so much better off. *Two original parents that get stronger and better will give their children such a much better chance to succeed in life. No one can take the place of a good mother or father for children. *


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*CA: You did the right thing disclosing to her, although it greatly appears that you were prodded into doing it because of your W cutting you off for whatever reason.

Embrace R! It can be done! Several couples here at TAM have succeeded at it ~ you can too! It will be frightfully difficult at times, but not impossible! My prayers go with you two!*


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Here's a question Cast-Away if you want to answer it. If she'd treated you before your affair like she treats you now, would you'd done it?


If I'm misinterpreting you then I apologize, but are you really looking for a reason to justify his affair? It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do, there's never any justification for having an affair.

He could have simply left his wife like the other woman left her boyfriend. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

He sounds sincere about trying to fix his marriage, and I wish him good luck in doing so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cast-Away said:


> "NO affair is the result of only ONE person in a relationship failing" they basically mean that both parties in the marriage play a role in what leads to an affair. I recognize my faults and what I did, she recognizes her faults and what she did.


While this is generally true, it’s not always true.

There are some people who cheat no matter what is going on in their marriage. They will cheat no matter who they are married to. I don’t think that you are this kind of person from what you have written here. But to state that “NO affair is the result of only ONE person in a relationship failing" as though it’s fact is doing a huge disservice to those (perhaps the minatory) of people whose spouse choses to cheat based on some significant flaw/problem with the cheater. I’ve known people who cheat from day one of dating and getting married. They do it because they think they are entitled, or because they think it does not matter, or whatever reasons they justify.


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Just a quick update on things that have transpired and progress we have made. 

Friday night I got home from work and I was feeling particularly horrible. I was feeling stressed and drained and I needed a night away from the routine discussions and tears. I went to a co-workers house (A male friend of mine) to have a few beers, laughs, and to take my mind off all the recent stress. My wife was upset I went because she was hurt that I felt a need to "get away from her", I tried to explain that I just need some space from time to time and I didn't have the emotional energy for another emotional conversation that evening. I went and had a few drinks and was home at a decent time, although she had went to bed. 

Saturday we talked more about everything and went through the emotional roller coaster some more. There were a few points (as always) where I feel like giving up and so does she at times, but we trudged through it. The initial discussion ended badly and so did the day as a whole really even though we accomplished much around the house and yard together.

The next morning (Sunday, Mother's Day) started off well with hugs and kisses and me wishing her a happy Mother's Day. I went to the kitchen and made coffee and reminded the kids that today was her special day. We spent the day together as a family and went to the in-laws on both sides for get-togethers. We had a very constructive day really and had a good time. She and I talked about things I could do for her on Mother's Day and the best thing I/we could think of was to start "The Love Dare" together. We had a long discussion last night and read the preface together and we started Day 1 "Love is Patient" this morning. 

For those that have not heard of what "The Love Dare" is I suggest you look into it. Here is the description.



> Unconditional love is eagerly promised at weddings, but rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes are often replaced with disappointment in the home. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
> 
> The Love Dare, the New York Times No. 1 best seller that has sold five million copies and was major plot device in the popular movie Fireproof, is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take. It’s time to learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage.
> 
> This second edition also features a special link to a free online marriage evaluation, a new preface by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, minor text updates, and select testimonials from The Love Dare readers. Take the dare!


The Love Dare: Alex Kendrick, Stephen Kendrick: 9781433679599: Amazon.com: Books

My wife and I started this once, but failed miserably and fell short. It really is a challenge, but one I feel is worth tackling. There are a lot of religious overtones in the book, and my wife and I are *NOT* religious at all. If we had to take on a label I guess we would fall into the Agnostic or Deist category, but the overall message is VERY GOOD and holds true religion or not. My sister and her husband did this and for all intensive purposes it saved their marriage. There are countless other stories like this, I just hope it can help my wife and I re-connect and learn to unconditionally love each other again.


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Another note, we booked a trip together in a few weeks that will just be her and I totally off the grid. No connectivity, no distractions, no kids, no work, no interruptions. We are hoping for lots of 1 on 1 time and a re-kindling so to speak.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Hey at least you stopped at the kissing.
> 
> Could have been worse.


Exactly. He could have actually cheated on his wi.....er wait a minute.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

"From that day forward I started putting 100% effort into my wife and family. I organized activities, planned dates, performed chores, and avoided all “distractions”. I was feeling great about myself and all the work I was putting in. Months passed and I stayed true to my course and had many conversations with my wife about my new attitude and she had noticed, but she kept hanging the past over my head. I gave it more time and kept putting in hard work, but for her nothing changed. I was hoping that we would re-connect and things would get better with us, but nothing happened. Our sex life was still terrible and I was getting little to zero attention from her. 

When she and I talk about this time period now she admits she was holding onto past resentment and she refused to move on. Something we have learned since was about “The 5 Love Languages” Home | The 5 Love Languages® . Her and I both agree we were expressing love in ways that the other did not understand. I unknowingly found hers through all my hard work, but she was not expressing mine. Either way this misunderstanding lead to further downfall and the loneliness I felt kept growing.

The final straw for me was on Sunday, June 16 2013 (Father’s Day). We had a great morning together as a family with the kids and we were talking about what else to do that day....."


Well it sounds to me you found things were not too good in the marriage, did the heavy lifting for a year, and got NOTHING in return. I am not sure if you left out some big fights from the past, but it sounds like your wife was a real Ahole. Move on, there are better women out there for you.


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Cast Away, It sucks that you did this. Hopefully you are truly remorseful and you take the appropriate steps to avoid causing more hurt and suffering for your wife and small children.

Some things that have REALLY helped my WH and I are the books "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" it tells you EVERYTHING you need to avoid doing or saying that will harm the recovery process. Also "After the Affair" by Janis Spring was SO helpful for both of us to read. I read it first and highlighted things that I wanted him to pay attention to. MC has also been very helpful by be warned, not all therapists are made equal and you may need to "shop" around for a good one. You should probably seek individual counseling as well to explore what caused you to do this, there may be underlying issues such as unreasonable expectations in marriage or impulsive behavior that may have triggered some of this as well.

I guarantee this is extremely painful for your wife and that she may not be ready to hear how her actions may have caused you to do this. Be mindful about that before going on and on at length about this being the cause, it will make her feel like it is her fault and her self esteem will plummet. 

You also need to tell her the full extent of the affair, just rip off the bandaid and get it over with because trickle truth has been the single most difficult part of our recovery process and it could have so easily been avoided if he just told me the full truth from the beginning. 

No Contact with the OW is your only hope for moving on. Your feelings for her will fade if you focus all of your attention on your wife and kids. Family is a beautiful thing and hopefully if you take the right steps you will be able to fully appreciate everything you already have and will never take it for granted again. Good luck to you.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Cast-Away said:


> Part of the reason I posted what I did was the way I wrapped it up. I want to warn anyone thinking about an affair.


umm ya we know. Now that you've warned us I hope you find this site as helpful as I have and that you do find true R. Keep us posted please. 

I had no idea that the EA part you had was so powerful that you actually missed Kris more...I knew my stbxw was in a fantasy but I never really realized how deep the rabbit hole went.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Come on Blunt, cut the guy some slack. His wife had him on a starvation diet. Anybody will become a needy person when their needs are not being met. Hopefully this is a wake up call for the old boys wife and she'll know to she can't just ignore her husbands needs. Her interest level in him has now increased because she can't take him for granted. Like they say in business, nothing improves customer appreciation and service better than competition.


Bullsh!t. There is never an excuse for cheating! He could have filled , left but no he decided to do the absolute most painful thing you can do to your spouse. It shows his weak character in that he needs a crutch to leave a bad relationship.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Atleast op told his story. I know what his marriage is/was like, because mine is the exact same way. Affairs usually start innocently and escalate, before you even know what hit you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Gonnabealright said:


> Bullsh!t. There is never an excuse for cheating! He could have filled , left but no he decided to do the absolute most painful thing you can do to your spouse. It shows his weak character in that he needs a crutch to leave a bad relationship.


 I agree that its not ok to cheat, however given the circumstances I cant blame him. However my choice would have been to leave first


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

Sounds like you were a very lonely person. You probably have depression issues as well. 

You should have told your wife due to the situation you are in with her you felt like you are cornered into wanting to cheat on her. Instead you took the wimpy way out. 

You should not have cheated on your wife. You should have had REAL in depth discussions with her, and gave her a clear understanding of what you needed before you go off and cheat. You should have told her you felt that you did not love her any more, and you need her to be commited to you before you go off and cheat. 

The problem lies in communication! You did not express this thoroughly with your wife. When she went to the concert on that Sunday that you had to work, you should have moved past your depression, and manned up. Crying alone staring at the wall sulking in sadness was certainly a low point for you. If she decided to go to the concert with out you, u should have done something productive. Even call a friend or family member to talk out your situation would have been better. I have a feeling that particular day was the day that destroyed your clear thought, and clouded you. 

The fact that you cheated proved that you were thinking with your D*** and not your brain. You forgot your marriage vows. You forgot what it would do to your family. You have two kids, and a responsibility to them. 

Hopefully you can re kindle your relationship. However, if your wife can't commit herself due to the affair, don't blame her. This was your doing! 

COMMUNICATION! Be open with your wife, and ask her to be open with you. Let her know what you need, and why you feel so alone, and fallen out of love with her. If she wants to make things work then she will follow through with what she needs to do. Likewise you need to commit yourself 100%. If things still are not going well, and your relationship is still in shambles...then time for a divorce. Don't cheat on her. That is the selfish, unethical, pansy way out.


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

I am still here trying, every day is a struggle with the depression. I am also still struggling with the addiction to the other person involved, primarily from a thought process perspective. My wife has been more supportive than I ever could have imagined, and fights for "us" every day. It is so hard to be happy and change thought processes. I am certainly stuck in a state of limbo, but better than I was months ago. Most days I wish I could just go into a coma and wake up all better years from now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cast-Away said:


> I am still here trying, every day is a struggle with the depression. I am also still struggling with the addiction to the other person involved, primarily from a thought process perspective. My wife has been more supportive than I ever could have imagined, and fights for "us" every day. It is so hard to be happy and change thought processes. I am certainly stuck in a state of limbo, but better than I was months ago. Most days I wish I could just go into a coma and wake up all better years from now.


You are trying. Do the best you can. That is all you can do. Bless you wife for being supportive. However, are you supporting you wife? Why do I feel she is doing the heavy lifting here? What have you done to help heal? It is very possible that losing the marriage is the only way to save it at this point. You are still in the A emotionally. Self imposed limbo. I'm certain it is hard to move on. Been their myself. Takes time. You are one month out. Your wife is apparently on your team and willing to work together in R. That is huge. Embrace it!


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> It is very possible that losing the marriage is the only way to save it at this point.


I have pondered this many times, she and I talked about me moving out for awhile, but we could not come up with a way to do it that would not devastate the kids. Instead we decided to push ahead and continue being as loving as possible.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Your story rings so similar to mine, and I've seen a few others, so I have to believe that this script is probably quite common. What it comes down to is, having your needs met in a relationship, and when they're not, we inevitably look somewhere else. In my case, I will tell you, I didn't know what my needs were, but I didn't know that at the time. All I knew was, I wasn't getting what I needed. My marriage was an easy scapegoat; after all, a marriage is this constant, BIG thing in your life, that (IMHO) we're led to believe should make us sooooo happy, so when you're NOT happy, it's a comfortable assumption to just go, "my marriage isn't working!"

I will say, I do think it is a very natural thing to be attracted to other people. When people say, "my wife is the most beautiful, most caring, most wonderful person ever!" I consider them to be largely full of kaka. I do think my wife is beautiful and caring, but I just don't have the hyperbole in me to place her above any and all human beings on the planet, and I wouldn't expect her to do it for me. With that said, it's still very natural to see other people and think, "wow.....they're very beautiful," or that they are very caring, sexy, whatever. And when you're looking for needs to be met, you will latch onto someone who strikes you as such, and yes, begin to fantasize that they will meet those needs. The OP here - and I - had the unfortunate luck to have that be someone who is ALSO looking for some needs.......and thus the storm has all the ingredients now.

I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. For a while, I was like OP, I mourned the loss of this "friend," and I really do believe that we could have been good friends, but I'm largely over that feeling by now. Now, I just occasionally go through self-beatdowns that all of it happened, and that no matter what, it can't be undone. It's written in my history book and I hate it. In the year or two after it all went down, I know for a fact I did things specifically trying to "make up for it." 5 years and change later, I have plenty of things I could say go on that list, things I've done for/with my family and/or my wife, that has improved my life, our life, our marriage, our family. But I know it will never make it go away. You can't go two threads deep in CWI without being met with torches, people who will gladly decree that any WS ought to burn in hell.

OP, you're not alone, and there are better times ahead. My best advice to you is: you need to figure out what you need out of your life, on your own, NOT wrt a marriage. My personal opinion is, we can't NEED our partner. We can't NEED things from them. Our true personal needs, the things that affirms us, our true source of self-esteem, these are crucial to our mental health and they cannot be something we get from other people. I don't like the idea that we are "incomplete" until we get married. You have to be a whole person on your own, and the marriage just becomes a mutually beneficial addition.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> I am still here trying, every day is a struggle with the depression. I am also still struggling with the addiction to the other person involved, primarily from a thought process perspective. My wife has been more supportive than I ever could have imagined, and fights for "us" every day. It is so hard to be happy and change thought processes. I am certainly stuck in a state of limbo, but better than I was months ago. Most days I wish I could just go into a coma and wake up all better years from now.


After my exWW cheated, I attempted R for 8 months. It became clear that my feelings for her were not going to allow me the type of marriage I wanted. I filed a D and moved on. The initial pain was worth it for the long term peace we both needed.

It is not cool to keep your wife hanging on to you, if either one of you is not fully vested. Think of it like a having a choice to die by a cardiac arrest, or cancer. It sounds like you are choosing cancer for your wife. End it quickly even if she wants to R. Maybe you can then decide what is best for you. She could probably use some freedom to make new choices too.

She deserves a spouse that gives her the things she gives you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cast-Away said:


> I have pondered this many times, she and I talked about me moving out for awhile, but we could not come up with a way to do it that would not devastate the kids. Instead we decided to push ahead and continue being as loving as possible.


I do not believe separation is going to help the marriage heal. You two have been separated emotionally now for quite sometime. Nothing good became of it. 

This is still fresh. Time is need.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lovemytruck said:


> It is not cool to keep your wife hanging on to you, if either one of you is not fully vested.


This means moving on from the AP. This does take time. LMT is correct...you are imposing a limbo for your wife as well. False R is not the way to go. Again, sounds like you W is doing the work. What have you contributed other than dwelling on the AP?


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Cast-Away said:


> I am still here trying, every day is a struggle with the depression. I am also still struggling with the addiction to the other person involved, primarily from a thought process perspective. My wife has been more supportive than I ever could have imagined, and fights for "us" every day. It is so hard to be happy and change thought processes. I am certainly stuck in a state of limbo, but better than I was months ago. Most days I wish I could just go into a coma and wake up all better years from now.


Have you talked with a therapist or your doctor about SSRI anti-depressants? Sounds like you could use a little help here for the time being.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you considered that your AP does not belong on the pedestal you have her on? Her character was such that she willingly got involved with a married man, with kids no less. Such a person is not that great of a person. Something to consider while you dwell on it.

Maybe you should file for divorce from your wife. Remembet that you haven't had to face life without her; you get to have her and your family while you romanticize your AP. There's no way a wife can compete with that. Frankly you're getting a lot more understanding here then a WW would get in the same situation. Your kids will suffer anyway while their father is pining for a low character AP instead of being fully invested in the marriage. Doesn't really sound like you've done much of anything to make it up to her besides feel sorry for yourself. Your wife has the patience of a saint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Lovemytruck said:


> After my exWW cheated, I attempted R for 8 months. It became clear that my feelings for her were not going to allow me the type of marriage I wanted. I filed a D and moved on. The initial pain was worth it for the long term peace we both needed.
> 
> It is not cool to keep your wife hanging on to you, if either one of you is not fully vested. Think of it like a having a choice to die by a cardiac arrest, or cancer. It sounds like you are choosing cancer for your wife. End it quickly even if she wants to R. Maybe you can then decide what is best for you. She could probably use some freedom to make new choices too.
> 
> She deserves a spouse that gives her the things she gives you.


I am working hard to be fully vested, however my mind suffers from triggers every day. A song, a sentence, the slightest little things bring back floods of memories that I try to avoid at all costs. My wife and I talk about this every so often, but mostly we work on just being "us".



Yeswecan said:


> I do not believe separation is going to help the marriage heal. You two have been separated emotionally now for quite sometime. Nothing good became of it.
> 
> This is still fresh. Time is need.


I tend to agree with this, I just wish the time needed would be complete. My wife and I both suffer every day from this.



Yeswecan said:


> This means moving on from the AP. This does take time. LMT is correct...you are imposing a limbo for your wife as well. False R is not the way to go. Again, sounds like you W is doing the work. What have you contributed other than dwelling on the AP?


I have sought out help and put in work on she and I. I know I am living in a chronically depressed state, this makes any sort of happiness hard to come by. There is not much I enjoy much these days.



Welsh15 said:


> Have you talked with a therapist or your doctor about SSRI anti-depressants? Sounds like you could use a little help here for the time being.


I have, and I was taking them for awhile, but the side effects scared my wife and me as well. I tried a few different Rx's, but all of them had downsides. Now I am taking some natural remedies, but the effect seems to have dwindled.



lifeistooshort said:


> Have you considered that your AP does not belong on the pedestal you have her on? Her character was such that she willingly got involved with a married man, with kids no less. Such a person is not that great of a person. Something to consider while you dwell on it.
> 
> Maybe you should file for divorce from your wife. Remembet that you haven't had to face life without her; you get to have her and your family while you romanticize your AP. There's no way a wife can compete with that. Frankly you're getting a lot more understanding here then a WW would get in the same situation. Your kids will suffer anyway while their father is pining for a low character AP instead of being fully invested in the marriage. Doesn't really sound like you've done much of anything to make it up to her besides feel sorry for yourself. Your wife has the patience of a saint.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I considered all of the above, but let me assure you that my AP suffered just as much as me. She is/was not a bad person, I take just as much blame from this maybe more than she should. I am not pining for my AP per se`, I wish I could erase it all from my memory. I don't "romanticize" what happened either, but there were many many happy memories that occurred during a very dark time of my life. The choices I made were wrong, and there most certainly was a better path, but what's done is done and the good times the AP and I shared will remain. This all occurred at the expense of my wife and kids which is a travesty of monumental proportions, but does not change what I felt "in the moment".

I have had a constant headache for about 4 months now and my health is deteriorating. I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I wake up every morning wishing the day was over.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Have you considered that your AP does not belong on the pedestal you have her on? Her character was such that she willingly got involved with a married man, with kids no less. Such a person is not that great of a person. Something to consider while you dwell on it.
> 
> Maybe you should file for divorce from your wife. Remembet that you haven't had to face life without her; you get to have her and your family while you romanticize your AP. There's no way a wife can compete with that. Frankly you're getting a lot more understanding here then a WW would get in the same situation. Your kids will suffer anyway while their father is pining for a low character AP instead of being fully invested in the marriage. Doesn't really sound like you've done much of anything to make it up to her besides feel sorry for yourself. Your wife has the patience of a saint.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: 1000 times

Cast - I won't wail on you for being a WS, but I could not reconcile with someone who continued with these feelings for the AP.

Have you truly considered what marital love is? Its not rainbows and unicorns every day. What you had with AP was not enduring lasting love!! You were still in the feel-good stage. Neither of you had to deal with the realities of life, despite anything you think you felt. Love is holding a sick child's head over the toilet. Love is doing load after load of skid-marked undies. Love is pulling together dinner after a long day's work. Was AP even capable of this? I suggest no. She was in a bad relationship and hooked up with you rather than accessing the tons of eligible single men out there. Sounds like you two had a "connection" but she made the first move, right? Her first option was you, a married man. Cast - your AP thought her needs were more important than those of your innocent children...and you think she was a good person? Is that what you want do model for your children? Do you want your daughter to act like that, to be so selfish when she is older?

Your "love" with AP never got out of the high school stage. Man up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your head out of your.......


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Oh my God!!!!!! Classic...YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR WIFE EVERYTHING. You need her help to heal. She needs your help to heal. Together you can make it. You are choosing to live in the fog and your depression will deepen. You MUST not blame your wife's libidinal lows which are based on her resentments of you, on her. Your marriage is failing fast. You have the choice to save it or tell your wife you want a divorce. You are still in the affair. She is in your head while you are living each day with your wife. As long as she lives in your head, YOU ARE STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR. Your choices are 1) Change your perspective or 2) ship out. No matter what your wife did, she NEVER chose to have an affair to solve her marital problems becasue believe it or not buddy, she was in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage too, with guess who? Imagine this: Watch everything you did with Kris in a mind-movie but replace the actors with your wife and another man. That will help you to change your perspective, and let's say he looks like 007...Okay? That's called "thought interruption" and it is within YOUR control. You are an adult. Just want to add: While you are off in a winter wonderland with "Alice"...What substance are you adding to the quality of your children's lives? Sorry for my Addictions Treatment Approach.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

OP, I know exactly how you feel. Before the affair I mean. The loneliness is excruciating. The rejection is soul killing. I feel like a pay check and nothing more. My only saving grace is I dont have to travel and I don't go anywhere that presents any opportunities for cheating. I wish you the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> I am working hard to be fully vested, however my mind suffers from triggers every day. A song, a sentence, the slightest little things bring back floods of memories that I try to avoid at all costs. My wife and I talk about this every so often, but mostly we work on just being "us".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Try St Johns Wort?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Castaway,
This story demonstrates some good writing skills on your part, plus an ability to draw good participation from other posters. A little more subtle and you will achieve your goal. Good luck.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Castaway,
> This story demonstrates some good writing skills on your part, plus an ability to draw good participation from other posters. A little more subtle and you will achieve your goal. Good luck.


Unneccessary.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> I am working hard to be fully vested, however my mind suffers from triggers every day. A song, a sentence, the slightest little things bring back floods of memories that I try to avoid at all costs. My wife and I talk about this every so often, but mostly we work on just being "us".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not to be hurtful, but all of the responses quoted above show us that you are playing the role of the victim.

You did some bad things. Fully admit it to both women, and move forward. A married spouse deserves 100% of their spouse's support and love. If your marriage sux, file and move on.

Don't wallow in your anguish, because you created it. You can lift yourself back out of it.

I could tease you about becoming polygamist, but it would be distasteful.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

I'm gonna be harsh here :

This is why i agree that all BS should kick the WS's ass to the ground, to wake them up from the **** fog

It's really sad that, from what i perceived at least, that you're more in tuned to your ex mistress's feelings rather than your family. Looks like you're grieving for her more than supporting your wife. Man up and tell your wife the truth, you came back to her because she's the right thing and safety net not because you love her like she loves you.

I am so sick of WS saying that their OW/OM isn't a bad person. Any person who's willingly sleep with a married person is bad, in doing so he/she is actively helping to wreck a marriage and deceiving the loyal spouse, that's not bad ? Also she cheated on her bf of 5 years, they weren't married so she could've just walk away but instead she chose to lied to her bf and had an affair with a married man, is that what a good person will do?

She supported you to leave your kids, really ? 
Because hey what's wrong with fatherless kids, they are resillient! They're probably gonna cry in the middle of the night wondering why their dad is not home and growing up with self esteem and or anger issues but that's ok as long as i get my married bf. That's exactly what went on in her head. Wake up !! she didn't care about your kids at all, how could you see this kind of girl as a good person ?

And i don't think you love your wife. Kris had part in hurting her yet you call it happy memories, those happy memories are possibly one of the worst thing that ever happened to her. If you love your wife you'd at least had remorse and shame


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Lovemytruck said:


> Not to be hurtful, but all of the responses quoted above show us that you are playing the role of the victim.
> 
> You did some bad things. Fully admit it to both women, and move forward. A married spouse deserves 100% of their spouse's support and love. If your marriage sux, file and move on.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your constructive input.

I do not think I identify myself as being a "victim" in all this. I have spoke to my wife about all of this and we are working through it. I have admitted fault in all my wrongdoings and so has she. Some here may find that last part offensive, but I have found there is often fault for both spouses when affairs occur. This is not always the case certainly, but I have met many people that have experienced or seen situations similar to mine. There is nothing further for me to admit to anyone, it is all on the table.
The polygamist comment, while humorous to some, has recently piqued my interest. I have actually read up on it and even spoke to my wife about it. It is not something I am pursuing on any level, but it was something I learned about myself through this nightmare. Many people will argue it is impossible to love more than one person, but that is the only perspective they have. Different people are capable of different things, some have photographic memories, some people have hyperthymesia which sounds impossible to people like me because my mind cannot comprehend how it works. I believe some people are capable of all consuming love for more than one person.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> I appreciate your constructive input.
> 
> I do not think I identify myself as being a "victim" in all this. I have spoke to my wife about all of this and we are working through it. I have admitted fault in all my wrongdoings and so has she. Some here may find that last part offensive, but I have found there is often fault for both spouses when affairs occur. This is not always the case certainly, but I have met many people that have experienced or seen situations similar to mine. There is nothing further for me to admit to anyone, it is all on the table.
> The polygamist comment, while humorous to some, has recently piqued my interest. I have actually read up on it and even spoke to my wife about it. It is not something I am pursuing on any level, but it was something I learned about myself through this nightmare. Many people will argue it is impossible to love more than one person, but that is the only perspective they have. Different people are capable of different things, some have photographic memories, some people have hyperthymesia which sounds impossible to people like me because my mind cannot comprehend how it works. I believe some people are capable of all consuming love for more than one person.


You're still in a fog and so is your wife. Refocus on your couple and learn how to fulfill each other completely. If I was your wife, I'd be offended.


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## Finder (Aug 12, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> In all fairness to the original poster no married man with children will ever stray from a wife who is meeting his emotional and sexual needs.


Completely wrong. Have you ever had an affair? Because it definitely sounds like it


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well why don't you test your self righteousness. Suggest an open marriage so your wife can love more then one man. Polygamy is one sided that way; why shouldn't your wife get affair partners too? Maybe she'll find one willing to devote themself to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well why don't you test your self righteousness. Suggest an open marriage so your wife can love more then one man. Polygamy is one sided that way; why shouldn't your wife get affair partners too? Maybe she'll find one willing to devote themself to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^This^

On the assumption he isn't a troll, I was also going to ask for his man card and suggest he grow a pair. 

Were I his wife, I'd leave this drip behind so fast he'd barely be able to see my vapor trail.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> I appreciate your constructive input.
> 
> I do not think I identify myself as being a "victim" in all this. I have spoke to my wife about all of this and we are working through it. I have admitted fault in all my wrongdoings and so has she. Some here may find that last part offensive, but I have found there is often fault for both spouses when affairs occur. This is not always the case certainly, but I have met many people that have experienced or seen situations similar to mine. There is nothing further for me to admit to anyone, it is all on the table.
> The polygamist comment, while humorous to some, has recently piqued my interest. I have actually read up on it and even spoke to my wife about it. It is not something I am pursuing on any level, but it was something I learned about myself through this nightmare. Many people will argue it is impossible to love more than one person, but that is the only perspective they have. Different people are capable of different things, some have photographic memories, some people have hyperthymesia which sounds impossible to people like me because my mind cannot comprehend how it works. I believe some people are capable of all consuming love for more than one person.


Thanks for the compliment.

The victim part is pointed out just as an observation from your earlier post. I think being in the victim role is a defensive thing. It really inhibits growth or progress. Glad you feel you are not in that spot. Maybe your wife is deep in the hole as a victim. She should be helped to feel empowered to choose a new path, since you violated your vows.

I have a strong distaste for betrayal. I refrain from bashing, because it is not productive. It feels good to be at a point where I don't trigger because of others poor choices. My first concern is your wife.

I am a live and let live kind of person. If polygamy is on your table, so be it. The fair thing is to openly tell your wife. She didn't go into marriage with that as a condition. Same for the cheating. Support her in a clean break.

Are you living by the Golden Rule? Would you be able to allow her the opportunity to find someone else? She probably is not ready for that, but eventually she might be. You owe it to her to support her in a dignified way for her to choose a new life.

I would dare venture her suffering is greater than yours. That is what makes this type of discussion difficult.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> ^This^
> 
> On the assumption he isn't a troll, I was also going to ask for his man card and suggest he grow a pair.
> 
> Were I his wife, I'd leave this drip behind so fast he'd barely be able to see my vapor trail.




Well if he is a troll he should keep his day job, assuming he has one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Finder said:


> Completely wrong. Have you ever had an affair? Because it definitely sounds like it


I think affairs happen for lots of reasons. Granted, none of these reasons excuse the action, but some are more malicious and selfish than others. I know of some people (men and women both) that have had affairs just because they wanted to be sexually promiscuous and have "fun" which is the ultimate in offensive and selfish behavior in my opinion. Some stray because of jealousy, insecurity, revenge, loneliness, depression/lack of self worth, sometimes there are other more deeply seated emotional forces at work. There really is no "one size fits-all" explanation to an affair. Every single affair is different in fact.


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## Cast-Away (May 5, 2014)

Lovemytruck said:


> Thanks for the compliment.
> 
> The victim part is pointed out just as an observation from your earlier post. I think being in the victim role is a defensive thing. It really inhibits growth or progress. Glad you feel you are not in that spot. Maybe your wife is deep in the hole as a victim. She should be helped to feel empowered to choose a new path, since you violated your vows.
> 
> ...


The poly thing is far from my mind, I only commented because you mentioned it. I knew others would lash out at such honesty on my part, but I really do not care. She has no desire to seek anyone else, and only want's us. She and I discussed it at length because I thought it only fair for me to attempt and share things I was feeling. I have no desire to love more than one person, I only discovered I was somewhat capable of it. 
I know her suffering is different than mine, I hesitate to say "greater" because how can one really measure a level of emotional suffering against another? I love and support her every single day as I should and as I swore I would. Just over lunch today she and I discussed further steps we can take. We have looked up some of these "life marriage retreats". She is advocating hard for us to go on one, and I tend to lean that way as well. They are kind of expensive, but it is an investment in our marriage and our future. Has anyone here tried one of these?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> I think affairs happen for lots of reasons. Granted, none of these reasons excuse the action, but some are more malicious and selfish than others. I know of some people (men and women both) that have had affairs just because they wanted to be sexually promiscuous and have "fun" which is the ultimate in offensive and selfish behavior in my opinion. Some stray because of jealousy, insecurity, revenge, loneliness, depression/lack of self worth, sometimes there are other more deeply seated emotional forces at work. There really is no "one size fits-all" explanation to an affair. Every single affair is different in fact.


True. Shades of grey (at least 50). 

Regardless of the "reason" the person betrayed is hurt. Secrets are kept, and lies are told to "protect" them.

Come clean. Move on. It is the one way you can help the person you hurt most, you wife.

Pull the knife out of her back. Let her get some professional help. Allow her to maintain her dignity. It is the only fair thing at this point.

I would bet you will feel better eventually too.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Cast-Away said:


> The poly thing is far from my mind, I only commented because you mentioned it. I knew others would lash out at such honesty on my part, but I really do not care. She has no desire to seek anyone else, and only want's us. She and I discussed it at length because I thought it only fair for me to attempt and share things I was feeling. I have no desire to love more than one person, I only discovered I was somewhat capable of it.
> I know her suffering is different than mine, I hesitate to say "greater" because how can one really measure a level of emotional suffering against another? I love and support her every single day as I should and as I swore I would. Just over lunch today she and I discussed further steps we can take. We have looked up some of these "life marriage retreats". She is advocating hard for us to go on one, and I tend to lean that way as well. They are kind of expensive, but it is an investment in our marriage and our future. Has anyone here tried one of these?


I missed the part where you told her all of this.

True, measuring pain is a guess.

This post makes it sound like she is rugsweeping. In my experience as a BH, I initially rugswept to avoid hurting more. It is a coping mechanism. We deny the pain and hope it goes away. We don't want to destroy the good things we enjoy.

It will fester. It is like cancer as I alluded to earlier.

When her coping changes to anger and beyond, please treat her kindly. Let her go peacefully, if she needs to do that.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Counterfit said:


> In all fairness to the original poster no married man with children will ever stray from a wife who is meeting his emotional and sexual needs.


That's true, but only if he's living on a planet that contains no other women.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

"Originally Posted by Counterfit View Post
In all fairness to the original poster no married man with children will ever stray from a wife who is meeting his emotional and sexual needs."

Who's meeting her needs? Or should she have none except to satisfy 100% another soul? She is a human being too with needs and wants...Hello!?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

> I have no desire to love more than one person, I only discovered I was somewhat capable of it.


Really? Because judging by your actions, it kinda seems like you didn't love either one of these women, but only yourself.


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