# Sexual abuse or an affair?



## Loveisblindness

Hi all
D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault. 

After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.

After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.

During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.

I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.

I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think. 

Love is blindness


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## Lynnevicious

Other than the age gap, this sounds like standard run of the mill affair, sorry. But she did a fabulous job of victimizing herself. And you bought it hook, line and sinker.

She was sooo scared to break it off until he died... 7years Later?! Wow.

If there’s one thing you’ll learn on these threads is that cheaters are liars. All the time. Rhey lie. A lot. And effortlessly. If you believe your wire was truly a victim of sexual abuse for... 7 years, then she’s done a good job manipulating you.

If you just accept her version of events and rug sweep this, you’ll regret it. I mean, the affair only stopped because he died for gods sakes. 7 years means your wife had another life. Not just an affair.

If you want to reconcile, there is a lot of work to do... on her end. And it won’t come by Victimizing herself. She was a willing participant and made a choice. Believing her version ensures that you’re not in true reconciliation and her behavior may certainly continue. Good luck.


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## maquiscat

I can tell you right now that you are going to get swamped with a lot of responses saying basically she is a liar and untrustworthy and is manipulating you and she'll do it again and basically a lot of negative, maybe even saying she is probably having another affair right now.

And there is a chance any of it could be true. But abuse and manipulation are real things, and people can succumb to them and be caught in a web of the lies of the manipulator. Even when the abused wakes up, they can still believe the lies of how much they will lose by saying anything. 

It will be up to you whether you believe her story. Even if you do, then you have to decide whether or not it is something you can live with. Her being manipulated will be mitigating enough for some people, but not for all. Will it be for you. This will not be an easy set of decisions for you. But you do need to go into it knowing that what she claims is plausible and has happened to others.


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## Luckylucky

I agree with her and believe that the situation was very abusive. I understand exactly how and why she was unable to leave… and would be sympathetic IF this was her husband. But it wasn’t. But all affair situations have this element of danger and abuse, ‘if I end this affair, my jaded lover has something over me and I can lose everything’.

It takes a certain person to be willing to throw everyone and everything under the bus. And to continue to live a double life. That was your wife.

Let’s face it, most affair partners are uglier, calculating, conniving and have sexual issues and usually aren’t all that great it bed. Of course he was badmouthing you and filling her head on what a poor catch you were. That’s every affair partner. They all bend over backwards to do this. Again, they also do get crazy at the thought of their partner trying to end it.

Her story is just the same as any affair story! Uglier/great age gap/I couldn’t stop it because of the consequences’. The fact that she waited that long (after his death!) to come clean tells me they were a perfect match. Yes, she was just like him.

Can I ask you, in your words, what prompted her to come clean? Not her version, yours. Because it must be self-serving, given her character. The guilt has finally hit her? Someone else knew and is not threatening her? She feels that her feelings are now consuming her, or she feels bad for how this must have affected YOU??? That’s the key here, does she feel bad for your hell, or hers?

Any instances of rage in your discussions? Where you talk about stuff, she feels/says how much she hurt you, but if it goes on too long she flies into rage and justifies things?


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## Evinrude58

Either she thinks you’re an idiot (had a large picture of “the abuser” on her desk at work) om..
Or she is mentally challenged. 
This is the stupidest, worst thought out ******** story (excuse) I’ve read on here, and I’ve read some Whoppers.
It has so many examples of illogic I won’t even waste time pointing them out. Surely you know this isn’t true. Surely you can’t possibly believe she was boinking this guy until he literally couldn’t get it up anymore, multiple times a week in your home, while having an 8x10 of his smiling as on her desk until after he was dead, and it was against her will... coerced????

If you have convinced yourself a word of this is reality, then I can’t even blame it on anything but you using galactic level mental gymnastics to believe what you want to believe.

Tell your wife she should at least be able to devise a more believable whopper for you to swallow hook, line...... aw heck, the whole rod and reel too.


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## sideways

Your wife is full of ****!!

So she was having sex (in your home) with a man in his 70's when she was in her early 40's??? EEWWW!!!!


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## Skookaroo

Her story seems plausible, but then again, she lied to you for 7 years, so who can trust anything she says? I think you ought to see a therapist.


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## OddOne

Just over half your marriage is a lie. Maybe your wife is some kind of victim, maybe she's not. It's very difficult to believe she is, but, whatever. 

The burden is on her to fix this. And it's a thousand percent understandable if you decide to end the marriage despite her best efforts, and I don't see any evidence she's put in any real effort in making you feel assured she's never had another affair; never going to have another affair, etc. Her effort so far seems geared toward making you think you are obligated to make her feel better and toward putting all her transgressions in the past. And it appears to me that's just what you want to do. All to avoid embarrassment and, I assume, avoid having your WW look bad to your kids, etc. 

Is this really what you want to do to yourself?


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## Diana7

I think she has either convinced herself that none of this was her fault, or she has made her excuses up to convince you. Of course she was just as responsible. At any time she only had to tell you that he was persuing her and you would have got him to leave and got another builder.

I think she has told you a load if lies. It was very offensive of her to compare this to child abuse or incest, she was a mature married woman of nearly 40, not a 10 year old. She wasn't a vulnerable child.

Unless she is prepared to admit to her large part in this very long affair carried out in your own home, she will never be truly sorry or remourseful.
People in affairs often blame the other person. The Betrayed Spouses like you do as well, as it's easier to accept the affair if you think that poor little wifey was taken advantage of.


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## HarbourView

Your wife's explanation is self serving ********, which she wants to believe. She is responsible for engaging in the affair, lying to you and treating you badly. Her choice, her actions. You are the victim of abuse, not her.


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## LATERILUS79

Sir, I think your wife just admitted to you that she is an imbecile. Worse yet, she thinks you are stupid as well. Since you are living in a 6000 Sq. Ft. Home, I'm going to assume you are not stupid. 

Did she just come out and say this or did you discover it? If she just admitted to you all of this on her own, then I think I'm gonna lean towards mentally challenged. Ther was no manipulation here of a 38 year old grown woman. None. So she was convinced you wouldn't understand and would want a divorce if ap would out her. 

Wouldn't understand what, exactly? That in her mind cheating is ok, so you should understand that and that's why she has to hide it? 

Dude, go live your best life without her. Another story where the cheater says,"no one gets hurt as long as no one finds out". That is the absolute worst. Every freaking time the betrayed feels something is wrong, they are neglected and treated like garbage. Then miraculously, the wayward comes back once the ap is gone. It's a Christmas miracle. I'd love for a wayward to explain how "no one is getting hurt" while the betrayed is being treated like garbage during the affair even though they just don't know why they are being treated terribly. Waywards, is that not hurting thr betrayed? Are they not suffering..... even though they don't know why?

That's too many years of horrible treatment while she got live the good life. There needs to be consequences and I think you've worked long and hard to provide for her and your family. Time to enjoy the benefits of that hard work.... with someone else.


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## HappilyMarried1

Sorry @Loveisblindness ,

One question that you wasn't clear on in your post. *On DDay in June did you find out about the affair or have suspicions or did she confess on her own? *A comment I would not think if what she said is true she would have a large photo of him on her desk, or would be telling him she was going to divorce. I personally think she is saying this to keep her current lifestyle. I also would have a hard time staying in the house now since he built most of it and that the had a lot of sex in it and I assume in your marital bed. However, it will be your decison if you want to live out the rest of your life with her.


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## Tatsuhiko

I think she's lying, both to herself and you. She willingly engaged in an affair and would now like to rewrite history so as to eliminate culpability.


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## MattMatt

Or perhaps the reverse is the case? An older contractor is snared by a housewife into having an affair, for whatever reason?

After all, having very conveniently died, there is now no way for you to be able to confront the AP and ask him to confirm or deny what your wife is telling you.

I suggest marital counselling, but your wife must do all the heavy lifting.

Is there any way that you can get confirmation as to what was happening back then?


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## Luckylucky

Think about how men tell the story, she threw herself at me, she was relentless, she’s crazy, she’s desperate etc. She’s trying to stay the victim here so she can keep you feeling bad for her.


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## MJJEAN

So, basically, your wife had an affair and is trying real hard to make herself out to be the victim so you won't leave her and take half the assets. I mean, she might have to get a job!

Also, I wouldn't believe this was her only affair. She's either damn near non-functional mentally or a garden variety bored housewife using one man for security, stability, and $$ while getting her thrills on the side.


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## Loveisblindness

Thanks for all the replies. A little more background into how I found out. My wife did not tell me on her own and actually said she was intending to take this to her grave. Apparently she didn't tell a single person. I always suspected that something may have occurred (just not with this person) and had finally had enough of the disconnected and emotionally distant life. Given COVID, we were spending extensive time together so at times I would ask her probing indirect questions about those years. Her answers always seemed to indicate that maybe an affair occurred. I also confessed to her that during that time I thought our marriage was over and had slept with several escorts while on business trips. I was very remorseful and never tried to blame her. I think my guilt forced me to confess. After I confessed she didn't admit to anything so I told her I knew that something had happened. I couldn't believe that she had gotten so cold for no reason. After several weeks of me begging her to tell me and her denying anything happened, I told her that I wanted to separate and the only way I was going to stay and believe her was for her to take a polygraph test. She thought about it for a few days and finally admitted something happened but didn't give me any details. I guessed who the person was (finally woke up) so I knew how long the affair lasted. Over the last few months she has given me details, but the more details that she has given me, the more I realize how in the beginning of the confession she lied about the extent of the relationship.

We are now both in counseling. We put the marriage counseling on hold for now. She says that she has totally forgiven me for what I have done. It doesn't really seem to effect her that much. Her attitude seems to be that's ancient history which we cannot change so live for now, not in the past. However, for me it hasn't been that easy to forgive or forget.

Although I consider myself to be smart in my field, I was obviously very ignorant to relationship issues. Must stem from the fact that we were college sweethearts that never had any other sexual relationships prior to our marriage.

Keep the replies coming. Thanks for reading!

Love is blindness


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## Diana7

Loveisblindness said:


> Thanks for all the replies. A little more background into how I found out. My wife did not tell me on her own and actually said she was intending to take this to her grave. Apparently she didn't tell a single person. I always suspected that something may have occurred (just not with this person) and had finally had enough of the disconnected and emotionally distant life. Given COVID, we were spending extensive time together so at times I would ask her probing indirect questions about those years. Her answers always seemed to indicate that maybe an affair occurred. I also confessed to her that during that time I thought our marriage was over and had slept with several escorts while on business trips. I was very remorseful and never tried to blame her. I think my guilt forced me to confess. After I confessed she didn't admit to anything so I told her I knew that something had happened. I couldn't believe that she had gotten so cold for no reason. After several weeks of me begging her to tell me and her denying anything happened, I told her that I wanted to separate and the only way I was going to stay and believe her was for her to take a polygraph test. She thought about it for a few days and finally admitted something happened but didn't give me any details. I guessed who the person was (finally woke up) so I knew how long the affair lasted. Over the last few months she has given me details, but the more details that she has given me, the more I realize how in the beginning of the confession she lied about the extent of the relationship.
> 
> We are now both in counseling. We put the marriage counseling on hold for now. She says that she has totally forgiven me for what I have done. It doesn't really seem to effect her that much. Her attitude seems to be that's ancient history which we cannot change so live for now, not in the past. However, for me it hasn't been that easy to forgive or forget.
> 
> Although I consider myself to be smart in my field, I was obviously very ignorant to relationship issues. Must stem from the fact that we were college sweethearts that never had any other sexual relationships prior to our marriage.
> 
> Keep the replies coming. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Love is blindness


Ok so you cheated as well. That does put a different spin on things. How can you feel agrieved if you did the same?


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## OddOne

Alright, so you cheated also. An issue for another day, I guess. Though, to be honest, I never take anyone at their word that they are remorseful, nor am I sure of the value of being in a self-described state of remorse, even when genuine. Regardless, you're not obligated to accept what your wife has chosen to accept. Also, her indifference toward your transgressions is likely close to how she feels about her own transgressions. She doesn't care about what she did, she cares about the consequences. To her, cheating just isn't a big deal.


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## sideways

A large framed photo of this guy on her desk??

This speaks VOLUMES!!!

If my wife had a picture of ANY other man on her desk (not family) I'd be like "what the F"?? Why??

She was so "traumatized" and "manipulated" that she just had to have his picture on her desk so she could see this HORRIBLE tormentor EVERY.SINGLE.DAY???

Get the hell out of here.

I'd look her in the eyes and say, "pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells".

She really takes you for the Village Idiot!!!


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## Trustless Marriage

Sex takes two people. She had a gazillion opportunities to end this but she choose not too. "Had organisms" and made the best of it. Does that sound like someone who didn't want it? Sounds like she is making an excuse to get out of this. 

During a short breakup while dating, my wife (ex-girlfriend at the time) had a ONS just a couple weeks after dating me for 2 years even though she claimed up and down I was the love of my wife and told the other guy this bla bla bla. They had sex 4 times that night, made him wear protection for HIS protection not hers (he took it off shortly after), she gave him oral sex - did everything he wanted her to do. She never told me this happened even though before we got back together I asked if she had been with anyone else. When she slipped one day after we were married about another guy, she came clean. She told me it was the worse night of her life - that she didn't want to have sex, felt like she was raped, didn't think he wanted sex even though she allowed him to sleep in her bed, she told him no, didn't like the guy, didn't know how he got to her house. However, nothing she did that night added up to this story. She did NOTHING or said NOTHING to get out of it that night. In other words, it was her way to try and convince me SHE was the victim that night. BS.

In any event, even if this was true what your wife is saying which I don't believe for a second, this is NOT the wife you want. Someone who cannot say no to having sex with others while married.


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## Kaliber

sideways said:


> A large framed photo of this guy on her desk??
> 
> This speaks VOLUMES!!!
> 
> If my wife had a picture of ANY other man on her desk (not family) I'd be like "what the F"?? Why??
> 
> She was so "traumatized" and "manipulated" that she just had to have his picture on her desk so she could see this HORRIBLE tormentor EVERY.SINGLE.DAY???
> 
> Get hell out of here.
> 
> I'd look her in the eyes and say, "pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells".
> 
> She really takes you for the Village Idiot!!!


This 👆


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## Blondilocks

Your wife regularly shagged a guy damn near old enough to be her grandpa! Geez, louise. Can't even wrap my head around what could possibly have attracted her to him. Look, if she shagged this guy then you need to question every guy she has ever come into contact with. 

Didn't you think it was just a little bit, a wee bit strange that she had a picture of a damn contractor on her desk? Don't you see that she was throwing it in your face?

No, it was not sexual abuse.


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## BigDaddyNY

Loveisblindness said:


> Thanks for all the replies. A little more background into how I found out. My wife did not tell me on her own and actually said she was intending to take this to her grave. Apparently she didn't tell a single person. I always suspected that something may have occurred (just not with this person) and had finally had enough of the disconnected and emotionally distant life. Given COVID, we were spending extensive time together so at times I would ask her probing indirect questions about those years. Her answers always seemed to indicate that maybe an affair occurred. I also confessed to her that during that time I thought our marriage was over and had slept with several escorts while on business trips. I was very remorseful and never tried to blame her. I think my guilt forced me to confess. After I confessed she didn't admit to anything so I told her I knew that something had happened. I couldn't believe that she had gotten so cold for no reason. After several weeks of me begging her to tell me and her denying anything happened, I told her that I wanted to separate and the only way I was going to stay and believe her was for her to take a polygraph test. She thought about it for a few days and finally admitted something happened but didn't give me any details. I guessed who the person was (finally woke up) so I knew how long the affair lasted. Over the last few months she has given me details, but the more details that she has given me, the more I realize how in the beginning of the confession she lied about the extent of the relationship.
> 
> We are now both in counseling. We put the marriage counseling on hold for now. She says that she has totally forgiven me for what I have done. It doesn't really seem to effect her that much. Her attitude seems to be that's ancient history which we cannot change so live for now, not in the past. However, for me it hasn't been that easy to forgive or forget.
> 
> Although I consider myself to be smart in my field, I was obviously very ignorant to relationship issues. Must stem from the fact that we were college sweethearts that never had any other sexual relationships prior to our marriage.
> 
> Keep the replies coming. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Love is blindness


Your poor wife wasn't manipulated, she went in eyes wide open. I could believe a young 20 something could be manipulated, but a 36 year old woman. Heck, she kept a picture of him on her desk. How did you not question that? She was in love with him. She was not abused, period. The only thing she was afraid of was getting caught. I would be very concerned that if she was willing to sleep with a fat man twice her age for 5 YEARS who else has she slept with? Think about hw many time in those 5 years of the sexual relationship you got sloppy seconds left by a 70 year old fat man. I would be so disgusted that I don't think I could be in the same room with her. If I understand this timeline correctly, this affair ended nearly 10 years ago. Why did this come up now?


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## BlueWoman

I actually believe her. I’ve seen it happen. But I don’t know that it matters. Whether she was manipulated or not, she still made a series of very poor choices. How could you ever trust her again? She was still easy to manipulate and you have no reason to believe that if she were in a similar position she wouldn’t still make those choices because she is too easily manipulated. She seems like a very unsafe partner.


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## BigDaddyNY

BlueWoman said:


> I actually believe her. I’ve seen it happen. But I don’t know that it matters. Whether she was manipulated or not, she still made a series of very poor choices. How could you ever trust her again? She was still easy to manipulate and you have no reason to believe that if she were in a similar position she wouldn’t still make those choices because she is too easily manipulated. She seems like a very unsafe partner.


Sorry, but you aren't manipulated into take your pants off and spreading your legs for a fat man twice your age. That is a choice she made. He held no leverage over her until she slept with him.


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## blackclover3

I don't understand, Who cheated first?
did she cheat first and went cold you which caused you to cheat with escorts?


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## HappilyMarried1

Thanks @Loveisblindness for being upfront and sharing your infidelity as well.

However, back to your OP. I personally believe in your wife's case after you kept probing that you thought she had possibly cheated and even after your confession of your cheating she still denied and then just gave you the trickle-truth. In her doing this I think if it was actually sexual abuse as she is claiming she would have come forth the first time you asked and gave you everything the first time you ask. 

Also, based on what you said about her slowing giving you more info you probably haven't came close to getting all info about the affair. Here is a suggestion. Tell her she can deal with your infidelity how she feels is best for her, but you need to deal with her's that is best for you. I would personally ask for a timeline of everything over the length of her affair and then still do a polygraph to check against the timeline before you can truly reconcile. Tell her would be willing to do the same if she would want. I know you probably don't want to here this but I'm afraid she has done a lot more than she has told you and possibly could have been more than just the one. If you want to move forward with your wife I think you need to find out and verify as much as possible. It sounded like she was very leary of having to take a poly. Best of luck!


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## MJJEAN

So, now we have you cheated multiple times and your wife cheated at least once. Why bother? Let it go. You clearly both want to stay married, so just let it go and turn a blind eye.


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## seadoug105

MJJEAN said:


> So, now we have you cheated multiple times and your wife cheated at least once. Why bother? Let it go. You clearly both want to stay married, so just let it go and turn a blind eye.


I completely agree both are wrong…. But….


A 7yr affair…. 5yrs sexual multiple times a week, often (if not always) in the OPs home, all while depriving/limiting & distancing from the OP is just once….

I don’t mean to sound insulting when I say this….
That is something I would expect to see on the wayward forum over at SI…


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## BigDaddyNY

seadoug105 said:


> I completely agree both are wrong…. But….
> 
> 
> A 7yr affair…. 5yrs sexual multiple times a week, often (if not always) in the OPs home, all while depriving/limiting & distancing from the OP is just once….
> 
> I don’t mean to sound insulting when I say this….
> That is something I would expect to see on the wayward forum over at SI…


Honestly the OP had to be blind. I mean, she had a picture of the AP on her desk!? LOL


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

I am speechless for once in my life. Yikes!


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## Loveisblindness

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your poor wife wasn't manipulated, she went in eyes wide open. I could believe a young 20 something could be manipulated, but a 36 year old woman. Heck, she kept a picture of him on her desk. How did you not question that? She was in love with him. She was not abused, period. The only thing she was afraid of was getting caught. I would be very concerned that if she was willing to sleep with a fat man twice her age for 5 YEARS who else has she slept with? Think about hw many time in those 5 years of the sexual relationship you got sloppy seconds left by a 70 year old fat man. I would be so disgusted that I don't think I could be in the same room with her. If I understand this timeline correctly, this affair ended nearly 10 years ago. Why did this come up now?


I didn't question the picture because he became a friend of the family. I know - some friend. He showed up once in a while to do additional work on our house and we recommended him to neighbors. So I thought this was another older mentor that my wife talked to once in a while. But you're correct - the picture was an obvious sign that it was something more. I can't believe now that I was so clueless. Obviously, I know I got sloppy seconds plenty of times -- outright disgusting! See my prior post regarding how this came up. I don't think there was anybody else because she has agreed to take a polygraph test. Since she told me all of the details about this man, I don't see why she wouldn't tell me about any other man. Seems like this went so bad she didn't want to make the same mistake -- fall in love with somebody else. I agree with you that this had to be love and not abuse. She swars up and down that after she felt coerced, it was not love any more.


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## Loveisblindness

BlueWoman said:


> I actually believe her. I’ve seen it happen. But I don’t know that it matters. Whether she was manipulated or not, she still made a series of very poor choices. How could you ever trust her again? She was still easy to manipulate and you have no reason to believe that if she were in a similar position she wouldn’t still make those choices because she is too easily manipulated. She seems like a very unsafe partner.


Since she was manipulated and taken advantage of by a person she trusted she compares it to a pedophile. Se claims even though she was in her late 30's she had never dated since we met so young and had no experience with love bombing players. She keeps asking me if she got raped, would I question everything she did to get to a vulnerable point. I agree that she is not safe since she is vulnerable. She is in IC to try and understand how this happened to her and to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I am 100% certain that she wasn't sexually attracted to this man when she met him. It's just impossible. She also assures me that nothing has happened with anybody else in the last 10 years.


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## Loveisblindness

MJJEAN said:


> So, basically, your wife had an affair and is trying real hard to make herself out to be the victim so you won't leave her and take half the assets. I mean, she might have to get a job!
> 
> Also, I wouldn't believe this was her only affair. She's either damn near non-functional mentally or a garden variety bored housewife using one man for security, stability, and $$ while getting her thrills on the side.


I agree -- I think she stayed for the $$ and to keep the kids. If we divorced now, she wouldn't need to work. She would get half the assets which is many millions. Although, she would have to downsize lifestyle a bit and actually start to keep a track of finances.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Loveisblindness said:


> I didn't question the picture because he became a friend of the family. I know - some friend. He showed up once in a while to do additional work on our house and we recommended him to neighbors. So I thought this was another older mentor that my wife talked to once in a while. But you're correct - the picture was an obvious sign that it was something more. I can't believe now that I was so clueless. Obviously, I know I got sloppy seconds plenty of times -- outright disgusting! See my prior post regarding how this came up. I don't think there was anybody else because she has agreed to take a polygraph test. Since she told me all of the details about this man, I don't see why she wouldn't tell me about any other man. Seems like this went so bad she didn't want to make the same mistake -- fall in love with somebody else. I agree with you that this had to be love and not abuse. She swars up and down that after she felt coerced, it was not love any more.


I don't envy your situation, to say the least. She may have been coerced after her first breakup attempt at 6 months, but that changes nothing. All of her abuse, ridiculous pedophile comparison, coercion talk is just her trying to deal with her guilt. 




Loveisblindness said:


> Since she was manipulated and taken advantage of by a person she trusted she compares it to a pedophile. Se claims even though she was in her late 30's she had never dated since we met so young and had no experience with love bombing players. She keeps asking me if she got raped, would I question everything she did to get to a vulnerable point. I agree that she is not safe since she is vulnerable. She is in IC to try and understand how this happened to her and to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I am 100% certain that she wasn't sexually attracted to this man when she met him. It's just impossible. She also assures me that nothing has happened with anybody else in the last 10 years.


Yeah, women always have sex multiple times a week with men they aren't sexually attracted to, give me a break. She is full of crap about not being sexually attracted. She was regularly getting between the sheets with this man and having orgasms. Don't fool yourself, she was enjoying herself, period, and it was at your expense. You said yourself she wasn't pleasant during the affair and sex dropped off. That is because she was getting what she wanted from him while you supported your family. She has to be lying about that, so I wouldn't believe her. I would want a polygraph where she is asked about any other sexual relationships. I mean if a disgusting old man only needed 3 months to wear her down, how long would it take for even a half decent looking guy?


----------



## Loveisblindness

blackclover3 said:


> I don't understand, Who cheated first?
> did she cheat first and went cold you which caused you to cheat with escorts?


yes!


----------



## Loveisblindness

BigDaddyNY said:


> Honestly the OP had to be blind. I mean, she had a picture of the AP on her desk!? LOL


What is SI?


----------



## Loveisblindness

MJJEAN said:


> So, now we have you cheated multiple times and your wife cheated at least once. Why bother? Let it go. You clearly both want to stay married, so just let it go and turn a blind eye.


I wish it were so easy to let it go. That's what I thought would happen if she told me she had a typical short term affair where she decided it was a mistake and picked me. We would both confess and move on. However, it seems like she was in love with this person and it only ended because he died. Obviously, given the picture she had on her desk and that I found voice messages she taped where he sings to her that she was still listening to several years after AP's death, it's been near impossible to let it all go. She admitted she couldn't delete the voice message until much later after his death. The rampant amount of lying just has me questioning everything.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

Loveisblindness said:


> I wish it were so easy to let it go. That's what I thought would happen if she told me she had a typical short term affair where she decided it was a mistake and picked me. We would both confess and move on. However, it seems like she was in love with this person and it only ended because he died. Obviously, given the picture she had on her desk and that I found voice messages she taped where he sings to her that she was still listening to several years after AP's death, it's been near impossible to let it all go. She admitted she couldn't delete the voice message until much later after his death. The rampant amount of lying just has me questioning everything.


Ok this should tell you all you need to know if she still kept the photo on her desk and listening to recorded messages years after the AP died. She was not coerced she wanted to do it all along and had deep feelings or was in love with him. Just think if everything she told you was true and how she really felt why would she have a large photo of the man doing those things to her against her will (as she says) and them keep recorded messages and listen to them years after he died. I think if you are honest with yourself deep down you know you were her second choice due to the lifestyle that you could provide her that he could not. Also, you know if he had not passed she would still be with him and having sex multiple times a week if he was able. I think you should see that you are just lucky that he was so old and has since died. One last thing if she could fall for someone that old and overweight and sleep with them what will she do in the future if someone her age or even younger who is nice looking and makes a pass at her. Best of luck! I think you have a long road ahead, unless you just let it go and continue with her no matter what.


----------



## blackclover3

1- stop listening to her being the victim 
2- I read a lot of stories when wives work with their loves to murder the husband - consider yourself lucky the AP is old
3- your wife used you - and was going to replace you either way - she is with you for the money only and not money and kids combined. 
4- the fact she had pic frame and listening to his voice recording tells you everything about manipulation and being a victim is a lie. it will be matter of time before she find someone else. 
5- she may be already working on a plan B
6- AP is dead she can write her own story

Did you she do it on your Bed with him? have you DNA tested your kids?

I'm sorry, but it appears you are still with her only for money and money only and dont want to lose what any liquidity.


----------



## jsmart

This was not coercion. She was a grown woman. Women have full agency and should be held fully accountable for their actions. All this she was abused BS is just that BS. 
Don’t try to equate what you did with paid escorts to your wife having a passionate decade long sexual affair. During those years she was his girl more than she was your wife. Personally I would expose it all and cut that skank out of your life.


----------



## GusPolinski

Loveisblindness said:


> Hi all
> D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.
> 
> During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.
> 
> I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.
> 
> I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.
> 
> Love is blindness


An AFFAIR that became abusive.

Derp.


----------



## sideways

So not only did she have a large picture of the man who "manipulated" and "abused" her on her desk but this same man, who tormented her, she had recordings of him singing to her on her phone which she would listen to for years after he passed away??

It's one thing that this picture on her desk didn't register with you but now voice messages of him singing to her that she listened to even after he passed away??

If you're buying into ANY of this then you are a blind fool!!!

Your wife has NO respect for you and looks at you as the Village idiot because you'll believe her fairytale.

I've read some outlandish stories on here and this one is right up there at the top of the list.


----------



## Loveisblindness

sideways said:


> So not only did she have a large picture of the man who "manipulated" and "abused" her on her desk but this same man, who tormented her, she had recordings of him singing to her on her phone which she would listen to for years after he passed away??
> 
> It's one thing that this picture on her desk didn't register with you but now voice messages of him singing to her that she listened to even after he passed away??
> 
> If you're buying into ANY of this then you are a blind fool!!!
> 
> Your wife has NO respect for you and looks at you as the Village idiot because you'll believe her fairytale.
> 
> I've read some outlandish stories on here and this one is right up there at the top of the list.


I didn't find out about the voice messages until after D-Day. If I had heard them earlier I would have know something was going on. I found the voice message on her computer and she admitted that she didn't delete it off her phone until recently and had listened to it multiple times. She believes that some sort of trauma bond developed between them. A little like a rapist who keeps a victim for years after which time they develop strong feelings for the person. I know - crazy ****!


----------



## Sfort

Don't fall for it.


----------



## sideways

Loveisblindness said:


> I didn't find out about the voice messages until after D-Day. If I had heard them earlier I would have know something was going on. I found the voice message on her computer and she admitted that she didn't delete it off her phone until recently and had listened to it multiple times. She believes that some sort of trauma bond developed between them. A little like a rapist who keeps a victim for years after which time they develop strong feelings for the person. I know - crazy ****!


I'm not saying her listening to the voice messages of him singing to her in regards to finding out about the affair (since you discovered after D-day) but rather the B.S. she's trying to spin to you now.

Question. Are you believing ANY of this nonsense???


----------



## jjj858

Any normal wife would’ve said “honey this contractor guy is creeping me out and keeps hitting on me every day” so her husband could tell the dude to take a fkn walk. Nobody lets happen what they don’t want to really happen.


----------



## skerzoid

She seems to saying this is some sort of Stockholm Syndrome where the victim becomes the ally of the kidnapper. 

1).* File.* If she gets her head out of her ass, you have time to put it aside.

2.) *Take her up on the polygraph.*

3.) *Realize that you are "Plan B".* It doesn't seem to bother you that much.

4.) *Stop making excuses for her.* She has plenty of her own.

5.) *With your wealth and apparent attractiveness, you won't have problems attracting other women.* Make her "Plan B". She can take some of her old pictures of him and a vibrator, listen to some songs, and get along quite nicely with your millions.

6.) *Strength an Honor.* Let her remember YOU that way, not her lover.


----------



## Diana7

Loveisblindness said:


> Since she was manipulated and taken advantage of by a person she trusted she compares it to a pedophile. Se claims even though she was in her late 30's she had never dated since we met so young and had no experience with love bombing players. She keeps asking me if she got raped, would I question everything she did to get to a vulnerable point. I agree that she is not safe since she is vulnerable. She is in IC to try and understand how this happened to her and to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I am 100% certain that she wasn't sexually attracted to this man when she met him. It's just impossible. She also assures me that nothing has happened with anybody else in the last 10 years.


Why is she vulnerable?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

What a load of crap. That wasn't an affair. It was a second relationship.


----------



## Marc878

You just got a snow job. Much different than a blow job. Her other man got that.


----------



## Evinrude58

I would not divorce her under any circumstances. But I’d also put her in a cottage alone and not let her live a life of leisure on my dime as a reward for using me for money while being a geriatric contractor’s mistress. 

If you keep trying to have a relationship with this woman, you are as weak and stupid as this shrew thinks you are.

Where is your outrage? Where is your disgust?
Where is your resolve to build a real life with someone who actually likes YOU?

Buy a Ford F-150, dress up in Liberty overalls, pretend to be a mechanic, and see how it feels to meet a woman who actually likes YOU and not your money. I don’t think you’ve ever had that.

Your wife. What a specimen. Bleh


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Your the king of the cuckolds if you stay with her OP. While I am not an expert on abuse, I don't think you'll find many victims saying they had regular orgasms during the deed. Think about it for a minute.........she cheated on you for over 8 years with this guy!


----------



## SRCSRC

I read about half of your story and I just couldn't handle any more crap. She was a forty-something-year-old woman. She should have shut him down the first time he flirted with her. She should have demanded he be kicked off the job. But no, she decided to **** him for at least FIVE years until he couldn't do it any longer. My advice is to kick her ass out and get a divorce. How in the hell can you look at her? Good luck to you, but wake the hell up. Do you really want this person as your wife any longer?

Ok, I just read the part about you cheating with escorts. I guess you are both even? I don't know what to say. You both deserve each other.


----------



## TXTrini

Loveisblindness said:


> I also confessed to her that during that time I thought our marriage was over and had slept with several escorts while on business trips. I was very remorseful and never tried to blame her. I think my guilt forced me to confess.


At first I was horrified for you, until this little gem.

Please get marriage counseling and stay together, you two were made for each other.


----------



## TAMAT

LIB,

Yea old serial cheating players never stop playing, they just get more stealthy and subtle.

My W was in a shallow EA with an 85 year old WWII vet, I caught it early on and put an end to it quickly, I told my W his children and grandchildren will pay the price.

He was a doctor and apparently very practiced in seduction, contractors fall into that category too.

Still it's disgusting to think about my W driving this guy around and taking his walker in and out of the trunk for him. Even if as my W assured me he was disgusting and untouchable in a sexual way.

His daughters thought it was cute or something that my W was helping their Father, they like to go on girls gone wild vacations, the people at church couldn't understand why I objected to my W taking him there either. Being an old man makes it hard to see what is happening, I didn't think anything of it until I started reading about EAs.

Did you expose the OM to his family or sue his estate for recovery of what you paid him? 

Did your WW write out a timeline and take a polygraph ? Did you throw out any gift OM gave her? Did she get STD testing and did you tell your kids who the OM actually is, or do they think of him as an uncle?

DNA your kids.


----------



## Evinrude58

Listening to songs he sang for her after he was dead, with a picture of him on her desk....
And it was a “trauma bond”...


----------



## MJJEAN

Loveisblindness said:


> I wish it were so easy to let it go. That's what I thought would happen if she told me she had a typical short term affair where she decided it was a mistake and picked me. We would both confess and move on. However, it seems like she was in love with this person and it only ended because he died. Obviously, given the picture she had on her desk and that I found voice messages she taped where he sings to her that she was still listening to several years after AP's death, it's been near impossible to let it all go. She admitted she couldn't delete the voice message until much later after his death. The rampant amount of lying just has me questioning everything.


Another point of view.

I remember reading the story of a woman on Reddit and she was upset that her husband cheated with escorts and threw away their many years together "for nothing". To her way of thinking it would be more understandable if he'd fallen in love. That she could wrap her mind around. But to risk their marriage and all they'd built for meaningless sex with professionals? That boggled her mind.

I remember reading another woman's story. This woman was the opposite of the first. To her the unforgivable was that her husband loved his mistress. Pure sex, she believed, was something she could get over. But emotional involvement and actual intimacy with another woman? Too deep of a betrayal.

What is and is not forgivable depends on point of view. You betrayed your wife. Your wife betrayed you. You betrayed with many. She betrayed with one (that we know of). Your betrayals were business transactions. Hers were personal. Who is to say which is worse?


----------



## Loveisblindness

MJJEAN said:


> Another point of view.
> 
> I remember reading the story of a woman on Reddit and she was upset that her husband cheated with escorts and threw away their many years together "for nothing". To her way of thinking it would be more understandable if he'd fallen in love. That she could wrap her mind around. But to risk their marriage and all they'd built for meaningless sex with professionals? That boggled her mind.
> 
> I remember reading another woman's story. This woman was the opposite of the first. To her the unforgivable was that her husband loved his mistress. Pure sex, she believed, was something she could get over. But emotional involvement and actual intimacy with another woman? Too deep of a betrayal.
> 
> What is and is not forgivable depends on point of view. You betrayed your wife. Your wife betrayed you. You betrayed with many. She betrayed with one (that we know of). Your betrayals were business transactions. Hers were personal. Who is to say which is worse?


Agree that they are both really bad. I guess it all depends on what you can forgive.


----------



## Divinely Favored

blackclover3 said:


> I don't understand, Who cheated first?
> did she cheat first and went cold you which caused you to cheat with escorts?


During her 7.5 yr affair with wrinkle dik, she went cold and OP employed an escort a few times because he felt alone and marriage was over. The house would have to go, along with the morrally bankrupt woman.


----------



## TDSC60

No comment.


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> During her 7.5 yr affair with wrinkle dik, she went cold and OP employed an escort a few times because he felt alone and marriage was over. The house would have to go, along with the morrally bankrupt woman.


He cheated with prostitutes. He is just as bad. The only difference if that he came clean about it and she didn't.


----------



## Blondilocks

It's dangerous territory when we start assigning degrees of cheating; but, in my book what she did was way worse.

a. had sex in the marital bed
b. with a so-called friend of the family
c. who was being paid by her spouse
d. kept up the affair for over 7 years
e. was emotionally invested in AP
f. offers up ridiculous excuses and insults his intelligence and makes a mockery of the real damage those excuses have caused real victims

I don't know how he can even look at her without vomiting.


----------



## MJJEAN

Loveisblindness said:


> Agree that they are both really bad. I guess it all depends on what you can forgive.


It's like OP feels his wife's betrayal was the more unforgivable because it was long term and emotions were involved. Yet OP seems to want to stay married, as does his wife. The only way I see that happening is if he realizes that her betrayal was no better or worse than his, but just of a different flavor.



Diana7 said:


> He cheated with prostitutes. He is just as bad. The only difference if that he came clean about it and she didn't.


I'm too tired to look it up, but I bet you'd know. Either in the Bible or in Christian tradition there's something along the lines of all major (10 Commandments type) sins being equally bad in God's eyes? The relevance here being that Op's sin of Adultery is equal to his wife's sin of Adultery. Perhaps thinking that way would help him get past it and either forgive and move on or forgive and rebuild the marriage.


----------



## sideways

This isn't about your wife being "manipulated".

The old dude pursued her from the get go and your wife NEVER stopped his advances (or told you what he was doing) because she ENJOYED it!!

She knew if she told you exactly what he was doing at the beginning that you would fire his @$$ and get a new contractor. 

She did NOT want this to happen again because she ENJOYED it and WANTED it to continue.

Then she supposedly tried to stop it at a restaurant but he got "loud" and she told you "she didn't want anyone to overhear the conversation".

She was more concerned about her dirty secret being exposed then doing the right thing (ending her betrayal) so she did what she does best. What's in HER best interest. 

This old cat NEVER "manipulated" her taking her clothes off and spreading her legs for him (in YOUR own home mind you).

This went on for as long as it did because your lying cheating wife not only WANTED it but she also ENJOYED it.

Thus why she even ENJOYED listening to the recordings of him singing to her even after this cat kicked the bucket.

It's why she had a large framed picture of him on her desk because she ENJOYED looking at it throughout the day because it made her feel wonderful thoughts.

Listen, you can try to decipher this anyway you want, but your wife has never VALUED you nor does she RESPECT you and it's pretty obvious she thinks you're a FOOL for buying her fairytale. 

And she should because she has NEVER suffered any consequences (not one) for what she's done.

So answer this for everyone.
What are you going to do about it?
Nothing?
Divorce her?

One option is reconciliation but based upon your wife's dishonesty and her sticking to this BS that she was "manipulated" into all of this should tell you everything you need to know.

Based upon what you've told us, you're a successful individual who wouldn't have been able to achieve the things you have over the years if you weren't an intelligent person.

So you've come to the fork in the road. 

What are you going to do?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> He cheated with prostitutes. He is just as bad. The only difference if that he came clean about it and she didn't.


He was in the middle of her 7.5 yr affair when he did. I would not even say stepped outside the marriage...as she had already put him outside to make room for wrinkle dik.


----------



## Willnotbill

The picture on her desk tells me everything I would need to know. Because of the photo I don't believe this was abuse or rape. Why would a victim keep a photo of their abuser on the desk or out anywhere they can see it everyday?


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> He was in the middle of her 7.5 yr affair when he did. I would not even say stepped outside the marriage...as she had already put him outside to make room for wrinkle dik.


He didn't know she was cheating and he was cheating too. Don't make excuses for him.
Thankfully he did tell her about it.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> He didn't know she was cheating and he was cheating too. Don't make excuses for him.
> Thankfully he did tell her about it.


He should have cut her loose and let her fall before he hires a high class prostitute.


----------



## OnTheRocks

Not sure if it's been said because I don't read unbelievable threads, but it is insulting to actual child abuse victims to compare your W's BS excuses to CSA. She was in her early forties, and not mentally challenged. FFS!


----------



## Diana7

OnTheRocks said:


> Not sure if it's been said because I don't read unbelievable threads, but it is insulting to actual child abuse victims to compare your W's BS excuses to CSA. She was in her early forties, and not mentally challenged. FFS!


Yes I said that too.


----------



## MJJEAN

Divinely Favored said:


> He was in the middle of her 7.5 yr affair when he did. I would not even say stepped outside the marriage...as she had already put him outside to make room for wrinkle dik.


Yes, but he did not know she'd cheated. As far as he knew they were in a rough patch, she'd withdrawn, was angry, and possible in a depression. His response was to have sex with prostitutes.


----------



## smi11ie

Divorce and start over. It is too messy to work through.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

LOL...I guess she's just a "victim" of a 70+ year old predator, is that it?

You married a sleazy liar who likes to have sex with old men.

I highly suspect that it's time for me to sit back and have a big barrel of popcorn the more I think about this story so I'm off to get my popcorn.


----------



## Sfort

Divinely Favored said:


> He should have cut her loose and let her fall before he hires a high class prostitute.


Some people here want to treat marriage as nothing more than a contract. If that's true, then there's an old saying in contract law that's helpful: Breach one justifies breach two. That is, if one party to a contract fails to follow the terms of the contract, the other party is excused from performing his obligations. Here's a silly example. Let's suppose you take out a mortgage to buy a house. You sign all of the paper work. However, the mortgage company never sends a check to the seller. You don't have to make mortgage payments. The mortgage company breached the contract, and you are excused from performing.

I'm increasingly of the opinion that if one spouse cheats on or fails to meet his or her marital obligation to engage is sex with the other spouse, the denied spouse is (contractually) justified in going outside of the marriage. He or she doesn't have to wait for the divorce. Having said that, I'm not necessarily a believer that marriage is just a contract, but I am aware that there are contractual aspects to a marriage.


----------



## Nailhead

Loveisblindness said:


> Hi all
> D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.
> 
> During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.
> 
> I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.
> 
> I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.
> 
> Love is blindness



Sir, do not buy the victim crap your wife is feeding you. She was actively engaged in another life for years. She could have stopped it in a second but did not. She has suffered no consequences. You sure the hell have thus why you are here. Personally, I would have her sign up for counseling if she really thinks this is what has a happened because she is off her rocker. Sir, she is a grown woman who can recognize any and all of the BS she attempting to sell you. Don't buy. Find a lawyer. Divorce. This is nothing but a crap sandwich being fed to you.


----------



## Nailhead

Loveisblindness said:


> We are now both in counseling. We put the marriage counseling on hold for now. She says that she has totally forgiven me for what I have done. It doesn't really seem to effect her that much. Her attitude seems to be that's ancient history which we cannot change so live for now, not in the past. However, for me it hasn't been that easy to forgive or forget.


She want's her 5 year long indiscretion to be ancient history for you as well. Nothing more. You should forget about because in is in the past. Never mind the lies and banging at your home for half a decade. Read that again...half a decade. This is another life!


----------



## DudeInProgress

Loveisblindness said:


> Since she was manipulated and taken advantage of by a person she trusted she compares it to a pedophile. Se claims even though she was in her late 30's she had never dated since we met so young and had no experience with love bombing players. She keeps asking me if she got raped, would I question everything she did to get to a vulnerable point. I agree that she is not safe since she is vulnerable. She is in IC to try and understand how this happened to her and to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I am 100% certain that she wasn't sexually attracted to this man when she met him. It's just impossible. She also assures me that nothing has happened with anybody else in the last 10 years.


She was not abused, and she is not a victim. She made choices. 

She is manipulating you and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. 
Even though you say that you recognize that she is responsible, you are still allowing her to rationalize, explain and minimize her horrific betrayal.


----------



## Loveisblindness

OnTheRocks said:


> Not sure if it's been said because I don't read unbelievable threads, but it is insulting to actual child abuse victims to compare your W's BS excuses to CSA. She was in her early forties, and not mentally challenged. FFS!


I
I don't know what you mean by unbelievable, but what I have stated is 100% accurate. She sees him as a predator in the way that he pursued her and kept pushing boundaries to get closer and gain her trust. Things like getting her to go in his car to pick out cabinet colors and then to grab lunch since it was so far away. She enjoyed his company and because of his age and looks never believed anything sexual would ever happen. She believes that she became emotionally attached to this person and all of the love bombing and viewed him as a mentor and then he started pushing for sex constantly. After several months, she wanted him to stay and so she finally gave in to having sex with him. It wasn't that great according to her, but obviously she kept doing it for at least 6 months before she tried to break up. So, I agree at some point she wanted to keep doing it and enjoyed it. It does sound like your standard housewife affair where she wasn't getting enough attention and she was bored. Yes she is morally bankrupt!


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## Loveisblindness

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...I guess she's just a "victim" of a 70+ year old predator, is that it?
> 
> You married a sleazy liar who likes to have sex with old men.
> 
> I highly suspect that it's time for me to sit back and have a big barrel of popcorn the more I think about this story so I'm off to get my popcorn.


This is so crazy that if you were watching a movie you would say that could never happen.


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## TDSC60

Definitely a very long affair that was hidden from you. She was open to it and enjoyed it. It was her secret life.

Now that he is dead she suddenly wants a life with you? And claiming it was sexual abuse? BS!


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## BigDaddyNY

TDSC60 said:


> Definitely a very long affair that was hidden from you. She was open to it and enjoyed it. It was her secret life.
> 
> Now that he is dead she suddenly wants a life with you? And claiming it was sexual abuse? BS!


Remember, not suddenly. I think the AP died 10 years ago.


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## GoldenR

I'm late to the party on this one...

Your wife is simply doing what every other cheater that gets caught does: blameshifting, minimizing, gaslighting. 

And you're trying to validate what she's saying bc you so desperately don't want to believe she's a disgusting cheater.


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## Robert22205

How did she act at his funeral and following his death? 
Did she give him gifts on his birthday or other holidays?
Did she ever lend him money?


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## Loveisblindness

Robert22205 said:


> How did she act at his funeral and following his death?
> Did she give him gifts on his birthday or other holidays?
> Did she ever lend him money?


AP died broke so the family had no funeral. She did lend him money that he obviously never paid back. As far as I know no birthday gifts or holiday gifts. She did make a charitable donation in his name after his death.


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## GoldenR

"She did make a charitable donation in his name after his death."

As anyone would for their abuser....right?


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## ElwoodPDowd

Sfort said:


> I'm increasingly of the opinion that if one spouse cheats on or fails to meet his or her marital obligation to engage is sex with the other spouse, the denied spouse is (contractually) justified in going outside of the marriage. He or she doesn't have to wait for the divorce. Having said that, I'm not necessarily a believer that marriage is just a contract, but I am aware that there are contractual aspects to a marriage.


But in the western world only the man is required to keep the terms of the contract.
Which is why men under western law should never marry or cohabit.

Same rules for 'no fault' divorce states.
She can do whatever she likes, and still get 100% custody, the house and 50% of everything he owns. He'd better not be a drunk though.


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## sideways

Ok why are you here?

You obviously are buying her fairytale and it appears you aren't going to do anything about it (you've been asked numerous times what you're going to do about it and you've ignored the question every time).

Your wife is one F'd up individual. She was NEVER manipulated but what's ironic is she sure is good at manipulating you!!


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## seadoug105

BigDaddyNY said:


> Remember, not suddenly. I think the AP died 10 years ago.


Great point!

It took her 10yrs to get over him and see value in OP…. Yup sounds like classic case of abuse!

(pretty sure i will get heat on this one)


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## seadoug105

Loveisblindness said:


> AP died broke so the family had no funeral. She did lend him money that he obviously never paid back. As far as I know no birthday gifts or holiday gifts. She did make a charitable donation in his name after his death.


Let me guess…

”In *LOVING* memory of X”


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## Evinrude58

The sad thing here, if real, is that the wife will be rewarded for her treachery. Even if he divorces her she’s gonna be a millionaire.


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## Loveisblindness

Evinrude58 said:


> The sad thing here, if real, is that the wife will be rewarded for her treachery. Even if he divorces her she’s gonna be a millionaire.


That's exactly the problem. So other than divorce, what can I do? The kids know.


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## Loveisblindness

sideways said:


> Ok why are you here?
> 
> You obviously are buying her fairytale and it appears you aren't going to do anything about it (you've been asked numerous times what you're going to do about it and you've ignored the question every time).
> 
> Your wife is one F'd up individual. She was NEVER manipulated but what's ironic is she sure is good at manipulating you!!


Haven't decided what to do yet. Not an easy descision.


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## Diana7

Loveisblindness said:


> That's exactly the problem. So other than divorce, what can I do? The kids know.


Does it really matter about the money? It's surely more about the lies and cheating.


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## Divinely Favored

Loveisblindness said:


> That's exactly the problem. So other than divorce, what can I do? The kids know.


Man you lost big in Shreveport at the boats...didnt you. Cash is just lost.


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## sideways

Loveisblindness said:


> Haven't decided what to do yet. Not an easy descision.


I understand it's not easy.

You said your kids know. What are they saying about all of this or is there not much dialog going on?


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## Asterix

I was not sure if I got the details correctly so I went back and read the original post a couple of times. What I read is mind boggling to say the least. My reply may come across as being angry, but please believe me, I'm being angry FOR you and NOT AT you. I think you are being too logical and cerebral about this situation and not being angry enough.

Brace yourself. I have a feeling that this post is going to be a long one.

There are many facets to this situation which are just very wrong. There's the marital aspect, parental aspect and the social aspect.

1. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. So, in other words they were having sex with each other for multiple times a week for at least over five years? I wouldn't be surprised if you come back and say that she had sex with him more times, more fun and more often than with you.

So, if he did not have to deal with his ED problems this most likely the sexual aspect of the affair would most likely have gone on for much longer. The sexual aspect stopped because he couldn't perform. It DID NOT stop because she wanted it to stop. So, all that she's saying about "it didn't feeling right after the nine month point" or any other things that she said was to downplay the severity of her actions and decisions during this affair.

2. I think this point here is a big one as well although people have a tendency to ignore this. Usually within an affair the people tend to do more sexually for their affair partner than what they do for their marital partner since the marital partner is already in the bag. So, the question is what did she do for him that she did not do for you? This behavior is quite common, so much so that there's a long thread here on TAM about this. you did it for other men, but not me?

3. There's another aspect to this as well which is psychological in its nature. By the vary nature of his profession, he is a working class man. I may be taking a leap here but with a 6000 sq ft. mansion, range rovers and luxury vacations, you don't really come across as a working class person. You guys were both from different socio-economical stratas. So, in his mind by sleeping with your wife he was in a way "sticking it to the man". And you were "the man" because you were literally signing his paychecks for his work. So he may have wanted to stick it to the man more by making the man's wife do things that were somewhat (or outright) degrading to her. Due to the situation, he had a power over her so it is very likely that he was able to ask her to do those things for him. This is especially apparent when she mentioned that he continually bashed you while making himself out to be the hero. Did you ask her where did they have sex? And where did they have sex in your house? Did they have sex in your marital bed? I'll bet you a $1 that they did and also many times over.

4. Her hostility towards you and that she treated you very poorly during this period and you most definitely did not deserve poor treatment from her. Also, in her words she dropped the idea of divorce because she really wanted to have the 6000 sq ft mansion, range rover and the luxurious vacations. She didn't really care for what you would have wanted. This shows her complete and utter disrespect and disregard towards you and your well being. There's the big issue of her lying to your face for every single day for the better part of two decades to hide her extra-marital activities. It does not sound like she respected you enough to think that you deserved the truth.

5. She most definitely did not consider your psychological well being and of course she also did not consider your physical well being either. The contractor could have been going out and hooking up with truckstop hookers while he wasn't sleeping with your wife and could have gotten uncurable STIs and could have passed it to you. Had she given any thought to that? Also, I am curious to know that during these five years, how many times did they really discuss using condoms and how many times did they actually use condoms?

"She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault." I think she needs to take complete responsibility for her actions. Almost always, a woman controls the sexual aspect of a relationship. The affair would never have turned sexual if she didn't want it. It was in his best interests to keep the affair going so he applied pressure on her, but she did not stand up for herself. She could have taken an extended vacation away from your place and started with other activities where she's not at home and away from him. She could have contacted him only over the phones. There were many possible options. Not sure if she was not smart enough to have thought of all that. As humans, once sufficiently motivated we usually find ways to do what we need to do. I don't think she felt motivated enough or compelled enough to break it off.

How was she planning on keeping this affair a secret. Did she ever give it some serious though about how this affair would affect you? How this affair would affect your kids? This effectively makes her a poor wife and a poor mother. This stigma and the resulting fallout is something that the family is going to have to endure for a really long time to come. He may have pressured her when she tried to break it off, but till that time she was a willing participant in all this. I assume that she did go to school and has some critical thinking ability, because she's describing herself to be a poor damsel who was taken advantage off and that she had no say in that matter, which I think is far from the truth. Yes, she was manipulated up to a certain extent but she could have broke it off and came clean to you at any point in time.

It sounds like your wife did some "online research" since the affair ended. She tried to find a solution that could explain away the problem and garner some sympathy during the process. It didn't really matter whether the explanation is the right explanation for her affair. It's just one of many explanations which may or may not apply. This is me being judgmental, but I think it is despicable of her to try to equate her situation with that of women who are traffic'ed for sex. The women do not have a choice or say in the matter. In a lot of cases they were beaten, starved and their agency is taken away from them. This was definitely not the situation in your wife's case. This reminds me of the pictures that the "social influencers" take of themselves of "helping people with their problems" and then walking away after the pictures are taken without doing anything about the actual problem. I think such "social influencers" are bad for what they do and that your wife is worse by an order of magnitude for equating her situation with the plight of women who were trafficed.

She mentioned that "She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know." But she got to know him better as time went on, since they've interacted very closely with each other for the better part of 7-8 years. So, I think this excuse/explanation sounds flimsy at best or patronizing at worst.

"She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it." I don't know what her goal is for mentioning that. I don't even know if it matters at all if she had any affairs before or after. Since this one affair was egregious enough. To elaborate this with a strawman, This is kinda like saying "I didn't slap you or spit in your face before or after I shot you in the head".

You mentioned that sexually she was always distant since the time the AP showed up. So, in a way she "starved" you of sexual intimacy during your sexual prime years. So, that's the reward you get for staying faithful to this woman.

All this shows me she's a very selfish, callus and self-serving person who has very little regard towards your well being. 

It's been about three months since you found out about her affair in early June of 2021. So, I'm assuming that you guys have discussed her behavior during the affair for the past three months. I hope that with my post above I've given you at least a few additional points of view that you may not have considered before.

I did mention the possible disparity in thinking between AP and you earlier due to the different financial backgrounds. FWIW, you and I are in a more-or-less similar socio-economical strata ( unless if you have that 6000sq ft mansion located in the upper east side of NY). I'm mentioning this because I don't want you to think that I'm enjoying the situation(schadenfreude) that you are in. I assure you I most certainly am not. I do feel your pain and hurt and I also feel sadness for the situation that you are in. I'm sorry that she lied to you for more than half of your marriage.

So the question is what would you want to do? I don't know where you are but it sounds like you may end up losing the shirt off your back if you divorce her for something that she did. So, I honestly don't quite know what I'd suggest. I'm not a vindictive person, but in this situation, I'd bring on extra heaping scoop of vindictiveness with a side order of pettiness to make the rest of her life miserable as much as she made yours for the last 16 years at least.

This is one of the worst kind of situations I've read and believe me, I've read many and that truly makes me sad.

What saddens me even more is the last line in your post "Love is blindness". I mean, she treated you like trash for a long time, denied you sexual pleasure for a really long time and you still feel love towards her? You do not have a committed wife. She's acting "committed" because she has very few other options at this point. Every time you think "love is blindness", I'd urge you to consider the possibility that it was a big FU from her towards you to have a large photo of this man on her desk for the better part of a decade (or more). I think she thought that whatever she did is now somehow okay because you slept with escorts and now she is being the big person for forgiving you.


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## Asterix

@Loveisblindness , even if you don't feel like it or don't get around to reading my post above, please operate with the assumption that you don't have the full truth from your wife.


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## MattMatt

@Loveisblindness Your wife may have something in her makeup that caused her to tend toward gerontophilia, a desire to have sexual relations with the elderly. 

If this is a sexual preference she has, she might decide to cheat again with another older man. Trusting her would be a bridge too far, to coin an expression. 

I'm sorry, but divorce seems a safe and sensible option.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Loveisblindness said:


> That's exactly the problem. So other than divorce, what can I do? The kids know.


You place your dignity above financial comfort/convenience. There is no “other than divorce” here dude. Not if you value your dignity.
You burn it all down. Expose to the world everything. Then go scorched earth. sell or donate everything you’ve ever given her (communal property after all).
Clear out the accounts and go bet big on some make-or-break investment opportunities - you either burn it all down, or hit it big and both walk away a lot richer (hopefully rich enough that you no longer care how she makes out).

-subject to advice from your lawyer to make sure you have plausible justification for any actions you take.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> I was not sure if I got the details correctly so I went back and read the original post a couple of times. What I read is mind boggling to say the least. My reply may come across as being angry, but please believe me, I'm being angry FOR you and NOT AT you. I think you are being too logical and cerebral about this situation and not being angry enough.
> 
> Brace yourself. I have a feeling that this post is going to be a long one.
> 
> There are many facets to this situation which are just very wrong. There's the marital aspect, parental aspect and the social aspect.
> 
> 1. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. So, in other words they were having sex with each other for multiple times a week for at least over five years? I wouldn't be surprised if you come back and say that she had sex with him more times, more fun and more often than with you.
> 
> So, if he did not have to deal with his ED problems this most likely the sexual aspect of the affair would most likely have gone on for much longer. The sexual aspect stopped because he couldn't perform. It DID NOT stop because she wanted it to stop. So, all that she's saying about "it didn't feeling right after the nine month point" or any other things that she said was to downplay the severity of her actions and decisions during this affair.
> 
> 2. I think this point here is a big one as well although people have a tendency to ignore this. Usually within an affair the people tend to do more sexually for their affair partner than what they do for their marital partner since the marital partner is already in the bag. So, the question is what did she do for him that she did not do for you? This behavior is quite common, so much so that there's a long thread here on TAM about this. you did it for other men, but not me?
> 
> 3. There's another aspect to this as well which is psychological in its nature. By the vary nature of his profession, he is a working class man. I may be taking a leap here but with a 6000 sq ft. mansion, range rovers and luxury vacations, you don't really come across as a working class person. You guys were both from different socio-economical stratas. So, in his mind by sleeping with your wife he was in a way "sticking it to the man". And you were "the man" because you were literally signing his paychecks for his work. So he may have wanted to stick it to the man more by making the man's wife do things that were somewhat (or outright) degrading to her. Due to the situation, he had a power over her so it is very likely that he was able to ask her to do those things for him. This is especially apparent when she mentioned that he continually bashed you while making himself out to be the hero. Did you ask her where did they have sex? And where did they have sex in your house? Did they have sex in your marital bed? I'll bet you a $1 that they did and also many times over.
> 
> 4. Her hostility towards you and that she treated you very poorly during this period and you most definitely did not deserve poor treatment from her. Also, in her words she dropped the idea of divorce because she really wanted to have the 6000 sq ft mansion, range rover and the luxurious vacations. She didn't really care for what you would have wanted. This shows her complete and utter disrespect and disregard towards you and your well being. There's the big issue of her lying to your face for every single day for the better part of two decades to hide her extra-marital activities. It does not sound like she respected you enough to think that you deserved the truth.
> 
> 5. She most definitely did not consider your psychological well being and of course she also did not consider your physical well being either. The contractor could have been going out and hooking up with truckstop hookers while he wasn't sleeping with your wife and could have gotten uncurable STIs and could have passed it to you. Had she given any thought to that? Also, I am curious to know that during these five years, how many times did they really discuss using condoms and how many times did they actually use condoms?
> 
> "She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault." I think she needs to take complete responsibility for her actions. Almost always, a woman controls the sexual aspect of a relationship. The affair would never have turned sexual if she didn't want it. It was in his best interests to keep the affair going so he applied pressure on her, but she did not stand up for herself. She could have taken an extended vacation away from your place and started with other activities where she's not at home and away from him. She could have contacted him only over the phones. There were many possible options. Not sure if she was not smart enough to have thought of all that. As humans, once sufficiently motivated we usually find ways to do what we need to do. I don't think she felt motivated enough or compelled enough to break it off.
> 
> How was she planning on keeping this affair a secret. Did she ever give it some serious though about how this affair would affect you? How this affair would affect your kids? This effectively makes her a poor wife and a poor mother. This stigma and the resulting fallout is something that the family is going to have to endure for a really long time to come. He may have pressured her when she tried to break it off, but till that time she was a willing participant in all this. I assume that she did go to school and has some critical thinking ability, because she's describing herself to be a poor damsel who was taken advantage off and that she had no say in that matter, which I think is far from the truth. Yes, she was manipulated up to a certain extent but she could have broke it off and came clean to you at any point in time.
> 
> It sounds like your wife did some "online research" since the affair ended. She tried to find a solution that could explain away the problem and garner some sympathy during the process. It didn't really matter whether the explanation is the right explanation for her affair. It's just one of many explanations which may or may not apply. This is me being judgmental, but I think it is despicable of her to try to equate her situation with that of women who are traffic'ed for sex. The women do not have a choice or say in the matter. In a lot of cases they were beaten, starved and their agency is taken away from them. This was definitely not the situation in your wife's case. This reminds me of the pictures that the "social influencers" take of themselves of "helping people with their problems" and then walking away after the pictures are taken without doing anything about the actual problem. I think such "social influencers" are bad for what they do and that your wife is worse by an order of magnitude for equating her situation with the plight of women who were trafficed.
> 
> She mentioned that "She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know." But she got to know him better as time went on, since they've interacted very closely with each other for the better part of 7-8 years. So, I think this excuse/explanation sounds flimsy at best or patronizing at worst.
> 
> "She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it." I don't know what her goal is for mentioning that. I don't even know if it matters at all if she had any affairs before or after. Since this one affair was egregious enough. To elaborate this with a strawman, This is kinda like saying "I didn't slap you or spit in your face before or after I shot you in the head".
> 
> You mentioned that sexually she was always distant since the time the AP showed up. So, in a way she "starved" you of sexual intimacy during your sexual prime years. So, that's the reward you get for staying faithful to this woman.
> 
> All this shows me she's a very selfish, callus and self-serving person who has very little regard towards your well being.
> 
> It's been about three months since you found out about her affair in early June of 2021. So, I'm assuming that you guys have discussed her behavior during the affair for the past three months. I hope that with my post above I've given you at least a few additional points of view that you may not have considered before.
> 
> I did mention the possible disparity in thinking between AP and you earlier due to the different financial backgrounds. FWIW, you and I are in a more-or-less similar socio-economical strata ( unless if you have that 6000sq ft mansion located in the upper east side of NY). I'm mentioning this because I don't want you to think that I'm enjoying the situation(schadenfreude) that you are in. I assure you I most certainly am not. I do feel your pain and hurt and I also feel sadness for the situation that you are in. I'm sorry that she lied to you for more than half of your marriage.
> 
> So the question is what would you want to do? I don't know where you are but it sounds like you may end up losing the shirt off your back if you divorce her for something that she did. So, I honestly don't quite know what I'd suggest. I'm not a vindictive person, but in this situation, I'd bring on extra heaping scoop of vindictiveness with a side order of pettiness to make the rest of her life miserable as much as she made yours for the last 16 years at least.
> 
> This is one of the worst kind of situations I've read and believe me, I've read many and that truly makes me sad.
> 
> What saddens me even more is the last line in your post "Love is blindness". I mean, she treated you like trash for a long time, denied you sexual pleasure for a really long time and you still feel love towards her? You do not have a committed wife. She's acting "committed" because she has very few other options at this point. Every time you think "love is blindness", I'd urge you to consider the possibility that it was a big FU from her towards you to have a large photo of this man on her desk for the better part of a decade (or more). I think she thought that whatever she did is now somehow okay because you slept with escorts and now she is being the big person for forgiving you.


Thank you for the long post. I appreciate your input and the time you took to read my post and write the reply above. I want to address some of the points that you made above.
1.


sideways said:


> I understand it's not easy.
> 
> You said your kids know. What are they saying about all of this or is there not much dialog going on?


Not too much dialog with the kids. They are all adults now and married so they don't want to take sides. The oldest child did rip into her a bit for allowing this to happen.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> I was not sure if I got the details correctly so I went back and read the original post a couple of times. What I read is mind boggling to say the least. My reply may come across as being angry, but please believe me, I'm being angry FOR you and NOT AT you. I think you are being too logical and cerebral about this situation and not being angry enough.
> 
> Brace yourself. I have a feeling that this post is going to be a long one.
> 
> There are many facets to this situation which are just very wrong. There's the marital aspect, parental aspect and the social aspect.
> 
> 1. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. So, in other words they were having sex with each other for multiple times a week for at least over five years? I wouldn't be surprised if you come back and say that she had sex with him more times, more fun and more often than with you.
> 
> So, if he did not have to deal with his ED problems this most likely the sexual aspect of the affair would most likely have gone on for much longer. The sexual aspect stopped because he couldn't perform. It DID NOT stop because she wanted it to stop. So, all that she's saying about "it didn't feeling right after the nine month point" or any other things that she said was to downplay the severity of her actions and decisions during this affair.
> 
> 2. I think this point here is a big one as well although people have a tendency to ignore this. Usually within an affair the people tend to do more sexually for their affair partner than what they do for their marital partner since the marital partner is already in the bag. So, the question is what did she do for him that she did not do for you? This behavior is quite common, so much so that there's a long thread here on TAM about this. you did it for other men, but not me?
> 
> 3. There's another aspect to this as well which is psychological in its nature. By the vary nature of his profession, he is a working class man. I may be taking a leap here but with a 6000 sq ft. mansion, range rovers and luxury vacations, you don't really come across as a working class person. You guys were both from different socio-economical stratas. So, in his mind by sleeping with your wife he was in a way "sticking it to the man". And you were "the man" because you were literally signing his paychecks for his work. So he may have wanted to stick it to the man more by making the man's wife do things that were somewhat (or outright) degrading to her. Due to the situation, he had a power over her so it is very likely that he was able to ask her to do those things for him. This is especially apparent when she mentioned that he continually bashed you while making himself out to be the hero. Did you ask her where did they have sex? And where did they have sex in your house? Did they have sex in your marital bed? I'll bet you a $1 that they did and also many times over.
> 
> 4. Her hostility towards you and that she treated you very poorly during this period and you most definitely did not deserve poor treatment from her. Also, in her words she dropped the idea of divorce because she really wanted to have the 6000 sq ft mansion, range rover and the luxurious vacations. She didn't really care for what you would have wanted. This shows her complete and utter disrespect and disregard towards you and your well being. There's the big issue of her lying to your face for every single day for the better part of two decades to hide her extra-marital activities. It does not sound like she respected you enough to think that you deserved the truth.
> 
> 5. She most definitely did not consider your psychological well being and of course she also did not consider your physical well being either. The contractor could have been going out and hooking up with truckstop hookers while he wasn't sleeping with your wife and could have gotten uncurable STIs and could have passed it to you. Had she given any thought to that? Also, I am curious to know that during these five years, how many times did they really discuss using condoms and how many times did they actually use condoms?
> 
> "She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault." I think she needs to take complete responsibility for her actions. Almost always, a woman controls the sexual aspect of a relationship. The affair would never have turned sexual if she didn't want it. It was in his best interests to keep the affair going so he applied pressure on her, but she did not stand up for herself. She could have taken an extended vacation away from your place and started with other activities where she's not at home and away from him. She could have contacted him only over the phones. There were many possible options. Not sure if she was not smart enough to have thought of all that. As humans, once sufficiently motivated we usually find ways to do what we need to do. I don't think she felt motivated enough or compelled enough to break it off.
> 
> How was she planning on keeping this affair a secret. Did she ever give it some serious though about how this affair would affect you? How this affair would affect your kids? This effectively makes her a poor wife and a poor mother. This stigma and the resulting fallout is something that the family is going to have to endure for a really long time to come. He may have pressured her when she tried to break it off, but till that time she was a willing participant in all this. I assume that she did go to school and has some critical thinking ability, because she's describing herself to be a poor damsel who was taken advantage off and that she had no say in that matter, which I think is far from the truth. Yes, she was manipulated up to a certain extent but she could have broke it off and came clean to you at any point in time.
> 
> It sounds like your wife did some "online research" since the affair ended. She tried to find a solution that could explain away the problem and garner some sympathy during the process. It didn't really matter whether the explanation is the right explanation for her affair. It's just one of many explanations which may or may not apply. This is me being judgmental, but I think it is despicable of her to try to equate her situation with that of women who are traffic'ed for sex. The women do not have a choice or say in the matter. In a lot of cases they were beaten, starved and their agency is taken away from them. This was definitely not the situation in your wife's case. This reminds me of the pictures that the "social influencers" take of themselves of "helping people with their problems" and then walking away after the pictures are taken without doing anything about the actual problem. I think such "social influencers" are bad for what they do and that your wife is worse by an order of magnitude for equating her situation with the plight of women who were trafficed.
> 
> She mentioned that "She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know." But she got to know him better as time went on, since they've interacted very closely with each other for the better part of 7-8 years. So, I think this excuse/explanation sounds flimsy at best or patronizing at worst.
> 
> "She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it." I don't know what her goal is for mentioning that. I don't even know if it matters at all if she had any affairs before or after. Since this one affair was egregious enough. To elaborate this with a strawman, This is kinda like saying "I didn't slap you or spit in your face before or after I shot you in the head".
> 
> You mentioned that sexually she was always distant since the time the AP showed up. So, in a way she "starved" you of sexual intimacy during your sexual prime years. So, that's the reward you get for staying faithful to this woman.
> 
> All this shows me she's a very selfish, callus and self-serving person who has very little regard towards your well being.
> 
> It's been about three months since you found out about her affair in early June of 2021. So, I'm assuming that you guys have discussed her behavior during the affair for the past three months. I hope that with my post above I've given you at least a few additional points of view that you may not have considered before.
> 
> I did mention the possible disparity in thinking between AP and you earlier due to the different financial backgrounds. FWIW, you and I are in a more-or-less similar socio-economical strata ( unless if you have that 6000sq ft mansion located in the upper east side of NY). I'm mentioning this because I don't want you to think that I'm enjoying the situation(schadenfreude) that you are in. I assure you I most certainly am not. I do feel your pain and hurt and I also feel sadness for the situation that you are in. I'm sorry that she lied to you for more than half of your marriage.
> 
> So the question is what would you want to do? I don't know where you are but it sounds like you may end up losing the shirt off your back if you divorce her for something that she did. So, I honestly don't quite know what I'd suggest. I'm not a vindictive person, but in this situation, I'd bring on extra heaping scoop of vindictiveness with a side order of pettiness to make the rest of her life miserable as much as she made yours for the last 16 years at least.
> 
> This is one of the worst kind of situations I've read and believe me, I've read many and that truly makes me sad.
> 
> What saddens me even more is the last line in your post "Love is blindness". I mean, she treated you like trash for a long time, denied you sexual pleasure for a really long time and you still feel love towards her? You do not have a committed wife. She's acting "committed" because she has very few other options at this point. Every time you think "love is blindness", I'd urge you to consider the possibility that it was a big FU from her towards you to have a large photo of this man on her desk for the better part of a decade (or more). I think she thought that whatever she did is now somehow okay because you slept with escorts and now she is being the big person for forgiving you.


My reply got cut off so I will try this again. Here are some answers to your questions above.
1. She definitely had more sex with him during the 5 year period than with me. Claims it wasn't more fun though, but that is hard for me to believe since she had at least 2x more sex with him. Agreed that sex would have continued as long as AP could perform.
2. There was definitely sexual things she did for him that she wouldn't do for me at the time.
3. They did it in the house. Every room but the bedroom. Usually in living room or family room. Many times in her office. Only once in the bedroom but it was in the sitting area. Hard for me to believe that for some reason she crossed all boundaries, but not my bed.
4. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove no other men since marriage. She also will state that she tried to break it up at 6/9 months. 
5. Agreed she didn't give much thought to my feelings or the ramifications of what she was doing. Once she got away with it for a while, she claims she didn't know how to stop it and just froze -- keep doing the same thing until she figured something out.
6. I agree -- his picture was definitely a big FU to me. Also, agree that now she hates the idea of being divorced. All of her friends and family know me and would be shocked to find out what happened. They would think she was a moron.
7. If we divorce we split assets 50/50. Not a great result for me, but I still have plenty to live on even if I retire tomorrow. 
8. Taking my time to figure out what I want to do. Don't want to rush into any decision at this point. Unfortunately, I can't come up a good answer. Like most folks facing this type of situation, I'm in a lose-lose scenario. Have figure out which option cuts my losses the most.


----------



## Luckylucky

Are you at least close with the kids? Do you see them often? What close relationships do you have with other people to help you of you move forward.


----------



## Jrb1220

maquiscat said:


> I can tell you right now that you are going to get swamped with a lot of responses saying basically she is a liar and untrustworthy and is manipulating you and she'll do it again and basically a lot of negative, maybe even saying she is probably having another affair right now.
> 
> And there is a chance any of it could be true. But abuse and manipulation are real things, and people can succumb to them and be caught in a web of the lies of the manipulator. Even when the abused wakes up, they can still believe the lies of how much they will lose by saying anything.
> 
> It will be up to you whether you believe her story. Even if you do, then you have to decide whether or not it is something you can live with. Her being manipulated will be mitigating enough for some people, but not for all. Will it be for you. This will not be an easy set of decisions for you. But you do need to go into it knowing that what she claims is plausible and has happened to others.


You're right it is a real thing that abuse happens and that could have been what was going on here but if you reverse the genders and the man is the one having the affair can you think of a scenario in which you would be as likely to call it that?


----------



## Jrb1220

Loveisblindness said:


> Hi all
> D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.
> 
> During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.
> 
> I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.
> 
> I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.
> 
> Love is blindness


Maybe I missed it but how did you find out? Either way, she didn't have to get abused in your marital bed. She didn't have to do it repeatedly and she didn't have to keep a picture of her abuser after the fact. This does not sound like abuse to me it sounds like she would still be with this guy if he was still alive and the only reason you're still married at all is because he passed away. You were her second option I'm sorry to say.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

LB, you don't have a wife. You have a serpent! Can you really put price limit on getting clear of her? Don't understand how you can stand to look at her tbh.


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## DownByTheRiver

Does she have sexual abuse in her background or any kind of abuse from childhood? I think it is highly likely that he groomed her and sort of got her in a corner. Any childhood abuse would make her even more susceptible to that. There are rapists who operate on this level. It snacks of incest grooming.


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## Tatsuhiko

She carried on an affair for years. She denied you sexual things that she willingly did for him. You paid him to do this with your hard-earned money, while she watched. She kept a picture of him on her desk and donated money in his name. When caught, instead of being honest, she played victim. Honestly, what else do you need to know in order to recognize her for who she is? You only get one life--do you really want to spend the rest of it with her?


----------



## maquiscat

Jrb1220 said:


> You're right it is a real thing that abuse happens and that could have been what was going on here but if you reverse the genders and the man is the one having the affair can you think of a scenario in which you would be as likely to call it that?


IIRC, it's the basic plot of Disclosure. I somehow doubt that such a situation doesn't happen, and not infrequently at that, IRL.


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## blackclover3

May I ask why it is a hard decision? it appears it is only the money you are concern about? what does she have to do to get you to divorce her? cheating? she cheated and hung his pic in your house in front of you and you still not sure what decision you would like to with?


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## Sfort

Loveisblindness said:


> 2. There was definitely sexual things she did for him that she wouldn't do for me at the time.


Like what?


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## Diana7

You say you would loose half your money but it sounds as if you are well off so wont go short.


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## farsidejunky

DownByTheRiver said:


> Does she have sexual abuse in her background or any kind of abuse from childhood? I think it is highly likely that he groomed her and sort of got her in a corner. Any childhood abuse would make her even more susceptible to that. There are rapists who operate on this level. It snacks of incest grooming.


Here is the rub with the abuse angle, which I don't really buy, but I digress. 

If...IF...this was an abuse situation, and she has abuse in her past, this may explain how it happened.

BUT...

It also means that she will not be a safe partner for anyone without years of intensive therapy. This means that her story (whether true or not) is actually more justification to leave her, because she is susceptible to being groomed for it.

So, if she is lying, clearly she isn't remorseful. 

If she isn't, she is still not a safe partner. 

That is the exact approach I would take with her. 

"Wife, at the end of the day, all of the grooming in the world does utterly no good unless you allow them through the door. So if it's his fault, you are not a safe partner for me, and I will not remain with someone who sees themselves as the victim in this situation."

Now the onus is on her. 

"Prove to me you are a safe partner."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Sfort

farsidejunky said:


> "Prove to me you are a safe partner."


How?


----------



## farsidejunky

Own it.

Accept that she was responsible for allowing it to happen.

Accept that she is the one who hurt the OP, as the OM had zero obligation to him beyond the business arrangement. 

BUT...

That would require her to go to IC to actually figure out she had agency... assuming she isn't simply full of ****. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver

I agree she should totally be in long-term therapy, regardless.


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## uphillbattle

999,999 out of 1,000,000 cheaters will make excuses why it wasn't/isn't their fault. It's just the way it is. It may have turned into abuse (it's your call if you wish to believe her) but she CHOSE to start it. He put no gun to her head, he didn't hypnotize her. That being said, you cheated also. It's obvious your marriage has been viewed as a FWB arraignment that you pay for. If you wish to stay with that it's up to you.


----------



## AttaBoy

Loveisblindness said:


> Don't want to rush into any decision at this point. Unfortunately, I can't come up a good answer. Like most folks facing this type of situation, I'm in a lose-lose scenario. Have figure out which option cuts my losses the most.


So you're having difficultly deciding whether you want to drag around the corpse of your marriage and it's festering lies, deceit, emasculation, disrespect and contempt OR whether you might want to bury it, tap down the dirt, and begin rebuilding your life toward a fulfilling future? 
Sorrow, regret and remorse aren't going to bring it back to life, they can only animate the corpse, if you allow them. 
Your wife has done like 23 of the Top 10 Worst Things a cheater can do to their husband. How is your next step unclear? It's lose the past which was an illusion and some stuff which is just stuff, or lose yourself.


----------



## Loveisblindness

DownByTheRiver said:


> Does she have sexual abuse in her background or any kind of abuse from childhood? I think it is highly likely that he groomed her and sort of got her in a corner. Any childhood abuse would make her even more susceptible to that. There are rapists who operate on this level. It snacks of incest grooming.


She does have a lot of childhood emotional abuse, physical abuse and attempted sexual abuse. So grew up with horrible parents.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Diana7 said:


> You say you would loose half your money but it sounds as if you are well off so wont go short.


I will be fine even with half of my assets. I can retire today and live comfortably.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Jrb1220 said:


> Maybe I missed it but how did you find out? Either way, she didn't have to get abused in your marital bed. She didn't have to do it repeatedly and she didn't have to keep a picture of her abuser after the fact. This does not sound like abuse to me it sounds like she would still be with this guy if he was still alive and the only reason you're still married at all is because he passed away. You were her second option I'm sorry to say.


Sadly, I think you are right. I was her second choice during the period he was alive.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Luckylucky said:


> Are you at least close with the kids? Do you see them often? What close relationships do you have with other people to help you of you move forward.


I have a great relationship with my kids. One lives out-of-state which I only get to see every few months. The others live in the same state and I see them monthly.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Tested_by_stress said:


> LB, you don't have a wife. You have a serpent! Can you really put price limit on getting clear of her? Don't understand how you can stand to look at her tbh.


Many times I just want to throw up! I guess it's because it ended 10 years ago.


----------



## Loveisblindness

blackclover3 said:


> May I ask why it is a hard decision? it appears it is only the money you are concern about? what does she have to do to get you to divorce her? cheating? she cheated and hung his pic in your house in front of you and you still not sure what decision you would like to with?


She hasn't cheated for the last 10 years, unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating. I have built my whole life with her in it. Friends and family. I still love her, but am starting to question that.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Sfort said:


> Like what?


Didn't perform oral sex on me once he showed up. Did it with him at weekly. Phone sex with him. Those are the only things she admitted to that I know.


----------



## Loveisblindness

farsidejunky said:


> Here is the rub with the abuse angle, which I don't really buy, but I digress.
> 
> If...IF...this was an abuse situation, and she has abuse in her past, this may explain how it happened.
> 
> BUT...
> 
> It also means that she will not be a safe partner for anyone without years of intensive therapy. This means that her story (whether true or not) is actually more justification to leave her, because she is susceptible to being groomed for it.
> 
> So, if she is lying, clearly she isn't remorseful.
> 
> If she isn't, she is still not a safe partner.
> 
> That is the exact approach I would take with her.
> 
> "Wife, at the end of the day, all of the grooming in the world does utterly no good unless you allow them through the door. So if it's his fault, you are not a safe partner for me, and I will not remain with someone who sees themselves as the victim in this situation."
> 
> Now the onus is on her.
> 
> "Prove to me you are a safe partner."
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Hasn't she proved that by being faithful for the last 10 years. She also has an education now on how this occurred so she is not as susceptible to it again. She is in counseling and I'm sure will be in for years.


----------



## Loveisblindness

farsidejunky said:


> Own it.
> 
> Accept that she was responsible for allowing it to happen.
> 
> Accept that she is the one who hurt the OP, as the OM had zero obligation to him beyond the business arrangement.
> 
> BUT...
> 
> That would require her to go to IC to actually figure out she had agency... assuming she isn't simply full of ****.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


She does acknowledge that she had some culpability in allowing him the access to manipulate her.


----------



## Loveisblindness

uphillbattle said:


> 999,999 out of 1,000,000 cheaters will make excuses why it wasn't/isn't their fault. It's just the way it is. It may have turned into abuse (it's your call if you wish to believe her) but she CHOSE to start it. He put no gun to her head, he didn't hypnotize her. That being said, you cheated also. It's obvious your marriage has been viewed as a FWB arraignment that you pay for. If you wish to stay with that it's up to you.


FWB - interesting to view it that way, but I guess you're right to a certain degree. But if I viewed it that way, I would have had much more sex outside the marriage like she did. She was doing it like 3x a week whereas I didn't even do it once a year.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Loveisblindness said:


> She does have a lot of childhood emotional abuse, physical abuse and attempted sexual abuse. So grew up with horrible parents.


Well, I don't know if anything can make you feel better, but people with abuse in their childhood are very, very subject to being abused as adults. They are vulnerable to it. Profilers will tell you that predators can sense they're easy victims just like a predator animal senses weaker prey. 

The way it often works is in the very beginning, the predator crosses certain small boundaries and the potential victim doesn't react to it or call them out on it or end involvement with them because of it like most people would. Why? Because whatever little red flags they get in the beginning are nothing of the magnitude that they were already used to and exposed to in childhood. So not only do they blow it off, but they are something actually _drawn to it_. And here's why: Because in childhood, they learned some coping mechanisms to deal with the abuse and survive it. So they have a certain kind of sad set of skills to cope with someone crossing boundaries, unhealthy as they may be. So when they see someone repeating something like they learned to cope with in childhood, it can actually feel familiar and familial to them, like they're now on a turf they understand and have skills to deal with. So it may actually draw them in, because there is also always this thing with abandoned and abused kids that they sometimes grow up and end up choosing someone that they are not even cognizant reminds them of the dynamic with their childhood abuser, and it's familiar and Old Home Week. 

Remember that even abused children often loved their abusers, and so if they meet someone later with a similar dynamic, they will often try to prove to themselves either that it's alright or it's fixable or controllable. And the other huge factor is those abusers were their role models, so that's all they had to go on. 

That thing went on way too long, but only you can decide what you need to do. Certainly she needs to be in therapy and lots of it.


----------



## MJJEAN

Loveisblindness said:


> She hasn't cheated for the last 10 years, unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating. I have built my whole life with her in it. Friends and family. I still love her, but am starting to question that.


So, while you were building your life around her she was keeping a candle burning for her lover. Yeah, she's a prize!

She hasn't cheated in the last decade THAT YOU KNOW OF. Either she didn't cheat because she hasn't found anyone she wanted, doesn't want to be unfaithful to her lover's memory, or she did cheat and you haven't discovered it, so she's keeping it to herself.

If any part of you believes she wasn't willing and a full participant you are delusional and a fool or your wife is an absolute idiot incapable of tying her own shoes. Pick one.



Loveisblindness said:


> She also has an education now on how this occurred so she is not as susceptible to it again.


Education and intelligence are often strangers to each other. Either she's so functionally stupid she is incapable of recognizing a man's sexual interest and nipping it in the bud or she knew exactly what she was doing. You can't seriously believe a grown ass married adult was "abused" by her lover for 7 years. That's just....a fairy story told to those who are gullible enough to maybe believe it. She's had guys hitting on and trying to get her naked subtly and overtly since her tits came in. She knew damn well what was going on.


----------



## Loveisblindness

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, I don't know if anything can make you feel better, but people with abuse in their childhood are very, very subject to being abused as adults. They are vulnerable to it. Profilers will tell you that predators can sense they're easy victims just like a predator animal senses weaker prey.
> 
> The way it often works is in the very beginning, the predator crosses certain small boundaries and the potential victim doesn't react to it or call them out on it or end involvement with them because of it like most people would. Why? Because whatever little red flags they get in the beginning are nothing of the magnitude that they were already used to and exposed to in childhood. So not only do they blow it off, but they are something actually _drawn to it_. And here's why: Because in childhood, they learned some coping mechanisms to deal with the abuse and survive it. So they have a certain kind of sad set of skills to cope with someone crossing boundaries, unhealthy as they may be. So when they see someone repeating something like they learned to cope with in childhood, it can actually feel familiar and familial to them, like they're now on a turf they understand and have skills to deal with. So it may actually draw them in, because there is also always this thing with abandoned and abused kids that they sometimes grow up and end up choosing someone that they are not even cognizant reminds them of the dynamic with their childhood abuser, and it's familiar and Old Home Week.
> 
> Remember that even abused children often loved their abusers, and so if they meet someone later with a similar dynamic, they will often try to prove to themselves either that it's alright or it's fixable or controllable. And the other huge factor is those abusers were their role models, so that's all they had to go on.
> 
> That thing went on way too long, but only you can decide what you need to do. Certainly she needs to be in therapy and lots of it.


Her abuser was her father and the AP was about the same age as her father and looked a lot like him Also, in the same line of business. Scary how similar they were.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Yes, it's often the case that outsiders can instantly see the similarities, but they are usually blind to it themselves. It will be in how he interacted with her as well.


----------



## DudeInProgress

DownByTheRiver said:


> Does she have sexual abuse in her background or any kind of abuse from childhood? I think it is highly likely that he groomed her and sort of got her in a corner. Any childhood abuse would make her even more susceptible to that. There are rapists who operate on this level. It snacks of incest grooming.


Who cares? That’s for her to work out with her shrink, not for him to give a damn about after what she did. 
Nothing in her past justifies or excuses or mitigates her actions in any way.

If those things happened to her in the past, that’s tragic. And It’s tragic that she let it affect her choices/behavior so badly that it cost her her marriage in the end as well. - If OP maintains his dignity and self respect, that is.


----------



## Evinrude58

Why are you still drinking this Koolaud of hers OP? People marry guys like their dad all the time. Yeah, she’d likely have married him if he would have had her, and you weren’t rich. Plain and simple. She had a damn picture on her desk and listened to voice recordings of his after he died. She loved this trashy bastard. Why can’t you see that?

You having sex with prostitutes once a year is gross, but in your shoes I think is pretty tame relative to what she did.

let’s face it, you don’t want to divorce her. If you do it’s going to cost you a huge amount.

I personally don’t think this woman has any feelings for you and would worry she’d poison you or something.

The tough answer is if you want a woman who loves you you’d have to divorce her. Sadly, a man in your shoes will have a hard time finding a woman unless you could hide your wealth until you were sure they liked you and not your money.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Loveisblindness said:


> Many times I just want to throw up! I guess it's because it ended 10 years ago.


Yet here you sit, still taking no decisive action...


----------



## sideways

Loveisblindness said:


> She hasn't cheated for the last 10 years, unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating. I have built my whole life with her in it. Friends and family. I still love her, but am starting to question that.


I don't think you're grasping the magnitude of her having a large framed picture of this guy on her desk and having it there (for you to see) years after this guy passed away??

And you're now saying, "unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating"??

This picture sums up EVERYTHING!!

It shows that your lying cheating wife is full of $hit and that she was NEVER manipulated or abused or controlled or tricked into anything. 

She WANTED this guy and the reason the picture was on her desk after he passed away was to remind her of all the good times she had with this guy. If it was SO horrible why have a picture to look at to remind her of all these horrible things he did to her (for years)????

My friend you need to WAKE THE F UP and see that this woman that you call your wife not only SCREWED you over and BETRAYED you for yrs but now she's playing you for the biggest F'n FOOL who's got you buying into the biggest lame @$$ fairytale and dude you're BELIEVING IT for crying out loud!!

I mean come on!!

Now you're saying she also stopped giving you oral when this guy came into the picture??

She's got your head so twisted you don't know your head from your @$$. "She's been faithful the past ten years"?? 

If this old geezer was still Alive what do you think would be going on? 

I don't want to be mean but if you're really buying all of this nonsense maybe you are a fool??

This is just me but I don't see how you can even look at her let alone think about touching her. 

That you're also having a hard time deciding what to do? 

Your wife is NOT sorry for any of this and she certainly is NOT someone who's worthy of offering the gift of reconciliation. 

Remorse? 
How can she be feeling this way when she sees you as the fool who's buying her lame @$$ story.

The thing that boggles my mind is how can you know all of this and NOT be PISSED OFF!!


----------



## Lostinthought61

Look it’s clear you are not going any where, you put up with 10 years of the crap...might I suggest that you sit her down and calmly tell her that for the next ten years you plan on developing a relationship with someone and she will have to just take it like you did...and start living for your self. Because anything less is crap.


----------



## TAMAT

LIB,

So what real consequences has your WW felt?

Did you expose your WW to the OMW and family, she deserves the shame, you shouldn't have to swallow the hand grenade by yourself.

I know deep down my W did not regret and does not regret her relationship with the 85 year old guy, I forbid her from going to his death bed unless I went too. For my W it was a positive experience and at one point his daughters were friends of my W

I get the same feeling that your WW feels this was a wonderful life experience otherwise why would she keep his picture


----------



## DudeInProgress

Lostinthought61 said:


> Look it’s clear you are not going any where, you put up with 10 years of the crap...might I suggest that you sit her down and calmly tell her that for the next ten years you plan on developing a relationship with someone and she will have to just take it like you did...and start living for your self. Because anything less is crap.


It’s a nice idea, but if he doesn’t have the fortitude to end this marriage after what his wife did, he certainly doesn’t have the strength to take control of it.

OP, I hope you prove me wrong.


----------



## Evinrude58

i know what I wouid do in this situation.
And I’d enjoy it. After every dime of my money was spent in a few years, it would be a pleasant divorce and leave her with NOTHING


----------



## PreRaph

Loveisblindness said:


> Hasn't she proved that by being faithful for the last 10 years. She also has an education now on how this occurred so she is not as susceptible to it again. She is in counseling and I'm sure will be in for years.


Your wife is so full of **** and you have bought it hook, line and sinker. Has she been faithful for the last 10 years? Or has she been mourning over her deceased shag-partner much more than she has ever loved you over that time?

Is the money so important that you really want to sweep all this under the rug by calling it "counseling" in which she has basically absolved herself of any wrong-doing and justified her 7-year long affair?

Gods, I can't believe it.

Why do you think she was "faithful" to you for the last 10 years--because she loved you? Or was it because you're a millionaire and she was afraid of losing her millionaire lifestyle. No, she loved her sextagenarian lover-abuser, not you. She loves the life you give her. Other than that she doesn't care a bag of beans for you.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

The only reason she's been faithful for 10 years is because old fossil knob kicked the bucket 10 years ago.


----------



## Evinrude58




----------



## LATERILUS79

Soooooo..... sounds like you have plenty of money and no need to worry about your kids as they are grown and out of the house. 

For what she's done to you..... unfortunately the law doesn't help. I personally think m she deserves NOTHING. absolutely nothing. Of course, that isn't how the world works (even though it should). I've often wondered if it is possible to divorce without actually "divorcing". Catch my drift? Clear out joint accounts, give her the money then close them all. Never give her another dime. What law is in place that forces you to give her a spending allowance every week? Tell her to go get a job. Sounds like you have the money, move away and get yourself a new home. Ghost her. What law is in place that forces you to accept any phone call, text or email from your spouse? Have her fend for herself. Maybe move to a different country where it would be impossible for her to have access to your funds? Maybe you don't care about it. For me, it would be out of principle especially after what she pulled. To be honest, I'm surprised more people in empty nest situations don't do this unless I'm completely missing something here (which is very possible). Keep the government out of your business. 

Fair warning: this isn't a woman bashing post. If a woman was in the exact situation as OP, I would feel the same way. Try to find a way to get away without divorcing so that you don't lose half of everything you've worked for.


----------



## MattMatt

@Loveisblindness Has she had subsequent lovers since he died?


----------



## Loveisblindness

sideways said:


> I don't think you're grasping the magnitude of her having a large framed picture of this guy on her desk and having it there (for you to see) years after this guy passed away??
> 
> And you're now saying, "unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating"??
> 
> This picture sums up EVERYTHING!!
> 
> It shows that your lying cheating wife is full of $hit and that she was NEVER manipulated or abused or controlled or tricked into anything.
> 
> She WANTED this guy and the reason the picture was on her desk after he passed away was to remind her of all the good times she had with this guy. If it was SO horrible why have a picture to look at to remind her of all these horrible things he did to her (for years)????
> 
> My friend you need to WAKE THE F UP and see that this woman that you call your wife not only SCREWED you over and BETRAYED you for yrs but now she's playing you for the biggest F'n FOOL who's got you buying into the biggest lame @$$ fairytale and dude you're BELIEVING IT for crying out loud!!
> 
> I mean come on!!
> 
> Now you're saying she also stopped giving you oral when this guy came into the picture??
> 
> She's got your head so twisted you don't know your head from your @$$. "She's been faithful the past ten years"??
> 
> If this old geezer was still Alive what do you think would be going on?
> 
> I don't want to be mean but if you're really buying all of this nonsense maybe you are a fool??
> 
> This is just me but I don't see how you can even look at her let alone think about touching her.
> 
> That you're also having a hard time deciding what to do?
> 
> Your wife is NOT sorry for any of this and she certainly is NOT someone who's worthy of offering the gift of reconciliation.
> 
> Remorse?
> How can she be feeling this way when she sees you as the fool who's buying her lame @$$ story.
> 
> The thing that boggles my mind is how can you know all of this and NOT be PISSED OFF!!


Of course I'm pissed. I'm furious, but things weren't that bad before I found out. She seems very remorseful for what happened. Now that she knows I may leave, I think it's finally hitting her how good her life is and she doesn't want to lose it all. She can't explain the picture, other than it may have been a way for her to try and resolve what happened. She also had a picture of her father right next to him. I think she forgave both of them and tried to see them as good people.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Lostinthought61 said:


> Look it’s clear you are not going any where, you put up with 10 years of the crap...might I suggest that you sit her down and calmly tell her that for the next ten years you plan on developing a relationship with someone and she will have to just take it like you did...and start living for your self. Because anything less is crap.


Interesting idea.


----------



## Loveisblindness

TAMAT said:


> LIB,
> 
> So what real consequences has your WW felt?
> 
> Did you expose your WW to the OMW and family, she deserves the shame, you shouldn't have to swallow the hand grenade by yourself.
> 
> I know deep down my W did not regret and does not regret her relationship with the 85 year old guy, I forbid her from going to his death bed unless I went too. For my W it was a positive experience and at one point his daughters were friends of my W
> 
> I get the same feeling that your WW feels this was a wonderful life experience otherwise why would she keep his picture


The AP's wife is dead. Should I tell his daughter and son-in-law? His granddaughter? What purpose would that serve?


----------



## Loveisblindness

MattMatt said:


> @Loveisblindness Has she had subsequent lovers since he died?


No. Says she will take a lie detector test to prove nobody other than this man during entire marriage.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Loveisblindness said:


> Many times I just want to throw up! I guess it's because it ended 10 years ago.


There is a much better life for you on the other side of this vile woman you call a wife. It will get much better...you can probably easily find a fine thing 10yrs younger that will be faithful and loving for the rest of your days. 

It would be worth it to me to be rid of this snake...and believe me everyone would know she was a snake, so she does not turn some shyt back around on you.


----------



## Sfort

Loveisblindness said:


> No. Says she will take a lie detector test to prove nobody other than this man during entire marriage.


When is it scheduled?


----------



## Divinely Favored

Loveisblindness said:


> No. Says she will take a lie detector test to prove nobody other than this man during entire marriage.


That one man is bad enough! Freaking years! 2x more sex for him! She wanted him! Poly to have more proof and answers about her relationship with him. To debunk some of her lies she is feeding you.


----------



## Sfort

Until now, @VintageRetro's story is the most incredible one I've followed on TAM. Yours is MUCH worse. You either need to get over it (you're amazing if you can) or get rid of her.


----------



## blackclover3

If you remain you will always question if you made the right choice and if there is someone else outside could have treated you better. you will always be worried every time you travel what she is doing. 
her excuse for keeping his pic is total bs. 

the only one getting manipulated is you and you only. they played with you 10 years ago and now she is playing and manipulating you now. 

if the guy still living she will be with him doing the same thing. 

by leaving and divorcing you are setting an example for your kids that cheating is not tolerated and you are teaching them to have a self respect and dignity. if you stay your kids will follow you foot step when that happen to them and stay sad in a marriage.

you are a plan B if not C and D and you will always be based on what I read. she WILL Never wake up until you leave her for someone else. 

your kids are grown this should be easy for you. live your life find someone who deserve and make you happy.


----------



## Kaliber

Loveisblindness said:


> I think she forgave both of them and tried to see them as good people.


Your doing a lot of mental gymnastics to try and make sense about what happened!
Sometimes even making excuses for her!
I can't blame you, what you're going through is horrible, but you need to start thinking about yourself and your happiness, you need to maintain what's left of your dignity and honor!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Loveisblindness said:


> Of course I'm pissed. I'm furious, but things weren't that bad before I found out. She seems very remorseful for what happened. Now that she knows I may leave, I think it's finally hitting her how good her life is and she doesn't want to lose it all. She can't explain the picture, other than it may have been a way for her to try and resolve what happened. She also had a picture of her father right next to him. I think she forgave both of them and tried to see them as good people.


That's the worrisome part because what she's doing is trying to live in denial about her past abuse. She just really needs to get in therapy and stay there.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

The abuse angle is clearly her in "survival mode". The AP didn't abuse her. He had an 8 year relationship with her. You were the side piece LB! Not him......YOU! What she did is disgusting and cruel and it continues with her gaslighting bull **** excuse.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Sfort said:


> When is it scheduled?


Not yet, but I have looked into it. She has agreed to take one. Thinking about questions to ask.


----------



## Loveisblindness

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's the worrisome part because what she's doing is trying to live in denial about her past abuse. She just really needs to get in therapy and stay there.


She is in therapy and I'm sure she will be for a long time. Also note, that during the 7.5 year affair she ended up in the hospital after 1.5 years into the relationship and thereafter several more times. Basically, collapsed several times. Would stay in the hospital for several days during which they found nothing wrong. Obviously, it was just stress related to living a double life. Thus, this whole affair wasn't totally a walk in the park.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Loveisblindness said:


> She is in therapy and I'm sure she will be for a long time. Also note, that during the 7.5 year affair she ended up in the hospital after 1.5 years into the relationship and thereafter several more times. Basically, collapsed several times. Would stay in the hospital for several days during which they found nothing wrong. Obviously, it was just stress related to living a double life. Thus, this whole affair wasn't totally a walk in the park.


correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you sympathize with her excess stress from cheating on you.

please, please…. Tell me I’m wrong.


----------



## Diana7

Loveisblindness said:


> I will be fine even with half of my assets. I can retire today and live comfortably.


You are very blessed.


----------



## Landofblue

So since it appears you will not leave, what is it you’d like her to do in order to begin making amends (something that will Never completely fix what she destroyed thru her infidelity)?

Has she made up sexually for what she gave the AP and denied you?

Has she made grand gestures? Taking you away on trips or giving you gifts?

How about writing you letters of love And admiration on a weekly basis.

How about exposing her secrets to certain friends orfamily and apologizing for what she did?

I can’t remember, sorry, but are you still In The house where she performed these acts? How about moving and discarding any furniture that they desecrated?

What will you be asking her to do in order to rebuild the love and trust she destroyed. 
Yes she done 10 years but did she actually change who she was. And did she give you far more in each of the above categories than she did the AP?


----------



## Diana7

The thing is that if someone cheats, staying together can occasionally work out BUT the cheater must take full and total responsibility for what they did and be fully repentant. 
Your wife hasn't even begun to take responsibility. Hence her blaming him for all of it. Even saying she was abused which is so demeaning for those who have really been abused. 

She isn't sorry or repentant because she basically says it wasn't me it was him. He abused me, he raped me, he made me have an affair all those years. He made me have his photo up. He made me have sex in every room. He made me lie and deceive my husband for all that time. 

Until she recognises that she was just as responsible, unless she admits to you that it was her choice to have this affair, that she takes full responsibility, the marriage can't work.


----------



## nekonamida

I agree with Diana and I want to point out many women have childhood abuse in their backgrounds and they don't become cheaters. Some of them become BSes. They also don't usually have gross undertones of an Electra complex in their lives. 

Your wife is special and really messed up. The things she's said about grooming and abuse is disgusting and shameful. She clearly participated and acted like any WS does. IC hasn't brought her very far if this is where she is at. Ask her if she's told her therapist about what happened and what their response was. She may not have even told them or gave them the Disney-fied version.

If that's who you want to be married to, we can't stop you but it does sound like she's one more daddy lookalike away from doing it again.


----------



## Sfort

Loveisblindness said:


> Not yet, but I have looked into it. She has agreed to take one. Thinking about questions to ask.


Typically you only get two or three questions. The reliability falls dramatically after that.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Loveisblindness said:


> The AP's wife is dead. Should I tell his daughter and son-in-law? His granddaughter? What purpose would that serve?


You didn’t answer the core question, you just squirreled off on the details and deflected.

The core question is:
“So what real consequences has your WW felt?”


----------



## Taxman

Had a male client that discovered that his wife of 20 years spent the better part of their marriage in an affair with her boss. It was deep undercover. He did not bother with confrontation and went to consequences very quickly. He kissed her goodbye as she left for work that morning. Half an hour later he was on OBS’ doorstep, he gave her everything he had. It was devastating. He told her that he was going to their employer next and to expect her H to be unemployed. OBS stated that he had lived off her for way too long she promised to keep mum til end of business that day. His meeting with HR ended with the company agreeing to terminate both of them. Once that stick ofTNT was planted, he showed at his in laws and told them that she would be coming home to live with them. He proceeded home to await the results of his day. 

She arrived home, she looked ashen. She was literally shaking when he asked how her day went? She didn’t answer. “That bad eh? Sorry it won’t get much better. You have probably deduced that I am the one who outed you, if not then, surprise!” Sue stammers out that she can explain. He is unwilling to hear her out. He tells her that shortly she can expect a call from her AP telling her that he has been kicked out, he lost his job a few minutes after you. She is like a deer in the headlights. Our kids were informed this afternoon, as were your folks, they’re expecting you. You no longer live in this house. You need to hire an attorney as I am divorcing you. At that she had the loudest breakdown he ever saw out of his wife. She kept crying that her life is over. He tells her to leave and have her lawyer call his. He ghosted her for the yer it took to end the marriage. He never got any closure. AP lost his home, marriage and all of his money. My client relocated and restarted his life in his late forties. His ex stalks him thru FB. She sees that he now lives with a new woman. That too is a consequence. Her parents keep her on a short leash.


----------



## sideways

Loveisblindness said:


> She is in therapy and I'm sure she will be for a long time. Also note, that during the 7.5 year affair she ended up in the hospital after 1.5 years into the relationship and thereafter several more times. Basically, collapsed several times. Would stay in the hospital for several days during which they found nothing wrong. Obviously, it was just stress related to living a double life. Thus, this whole affair wasn't totally a walk in the park.


So she winds up in the hospital several times (you saying it was stress from the affair) and yet she continued on seeing this cat.

Knowing all she's done can you really say you love this woman?


----------



## Asterix

Thank you for your reply to my post. Yes, it took me quite a while to type all that out. I realized it after the fact though. I hope that the time spent was fruitful and you got at least some additional thought points while you are pondering the state of your marriage. 

I noticed that there were many red flags sticking out in your post. The first red flag I saw when I read your post was your username. Even after all that she put you through if you still thought that love is blindness or that still have love for her, then I'd say that you are a better religious/spiritual person than me. A lot of the religions teach people to "turn their other cheek" and unfortunately am just not wired that way. The other flag that I noticed is that you probably do not know the difference between regret and remorse. Because you seem to use the word "remorse" a lot when I think what you actually mean is "regret". 

I may be totally wrong here, but I noticed that some of the issues that I pointed out either were overlooked or were just lost in that wall of text. I was trying to be circumspect because when people make posts here in this forum, they are usually in a fragile state of mind and feel utterly alone with no one to talk to. The solid life and foundation that they thought they had built had come crashing down on them and usually feel very overwhelmed. So, it doesn't help in pointing out the reality of the situation in a direct manner, because there's the risk of the person shutting down. 

So, please know that even when people are using strong language to point out the glaring issues (according to them) in your relationship, they are still trying to help you. Think of it this way - They don't know you in person, so they don't have anything against you. So, the motivation is to help out a fellow traveler on her or his journey who has the misfortune to have to walk on this road. 

I'll try to be direct and will keep this short so that the points are not lost in the wall of words. 

1. First and foremost please know THIS: you do not know the full story and she's still lying to you by omission or trickling out the truth. It is imperative for her understand that the path to healing and recovery won't begin till the last lie has been told. That may sound dramatic, but the fact is a person needs to know what exactly s/he is forgiving. So, down the road if some other aspect comes out that was previously not known, then it can potentially wipe out all the work and recovery that you've made till that point. You NEED to emphasize the importance of this point to her. 

2. I think your wife at this point grasping at the straws to do whatever she can to appease you. She has known you for a really long time so she knows where you buttons are. So she's trying to pull at the heartstrings to make herself out to be a victim. So Please please please, ask her to re-evaluate her statement that "the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to 1ncest or ped0fiia." By equating her situation to that she's in a way taking agency away from the actual victims and reducing the credibility. Women like her make it difficult for the actual victims because their credibility has been chipped away by people like your wife. Just for this reason alone I think what your wife is doing is despicable.

3. You now do not have a committed wife. She's now doing what she should have been doing for the WHOLE duration of your marriage. She's doing that because she now has very limited options. For example, Me eating gruel because that's the only thing on the menu is different than me eating the same gruel while at The Buffet at Bellagio. (if you haven't, you gotta check it out at least once). Hopefully you get my point….Hopefully.

You mentioned that your kids know now. I'm not sure the extent of what they know at this point. Based on your posts, My feeling is that you may have told them about a fraction of what you know. You are hoping to protect her image/honor, but trust me that ship has sailed long ago. Do they know how long the affair went on for? Did they see you the way she treated you while she was cheating on you? Did she suckered them into believing that she was being abused?

You also mentioned that She desperately wants to keep her social image intact. By keeping this cheating quiet, she's hoping to keep her social image intact. If I were you, I'd blow that out wide open. I'm not talking about telling Joe Shmoe from two towns over who happen to be standing in a line in front of you at the grocery store. I'm talking about all your and her family and friends.* THE MORE people know about this, the bigger your support structure will be.* This will also show you the true nature of all you other relationships. You'll know who genuinely cares about you, you'll likely know who the backstabber is, you'll also find out who takes pleasure in your fall. Based on how the people defend your wife, you may even get a sense of who has the mindset for an affair. And this is A-OK. This may shrink your friends and family circle quite a bit but whatever is left of it is going to be "purer and stronger" (for the lack of better words to describe this). Also remember, if you stay quiet then the cheaters win. This is also beneficial for other reason. Things change once a person starts accruing some money to the point that it becomes conspicuous and obvious. When this happens, it's difficult to differentiate if your friends are there for the lavish gifts or the vacations that you take them to or they are there really for you. At this point, hopefully you know in which camp your wife belongs to (in case if it's unclear, she likes the house, car and the vacations and she didn't even need to put out much). 

I understand her need to avoid shame and embarrassment so, she may desperately want to keep her cheating quiet and sweep it under the rug. Because obviously it is in her best interests. AND JUST LIKE MANY OTHER THINGS in your marriage over the years, what's in her best interests is detrimental to your interests for the reasons stated above. Detrimental because you won't have a support structure to get you through. Understandably your kids are acting like Switzerland, so they may not be available for support and it may not be appropriate anyway. So, please talk to your friends and family to get advice or just to vent. It'll help you feel better. 

So there you go: Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone's got one and you've seen mine (opinion that is). Please know that all we can do is to give you (or show you) our opinions. Ultimately, It's really up to you how you want to handle the situation. I'm sorry that you've been fed this sh1t sandwich for all these years.

I haven't mentioned anything about her behavior and actions as you've described. I'll create another post for that. I don't want to have the points above in a large wall of texts. So, I think multiple smaller walls of text may help


----------



## LATERILUS79

Taxman said:


> Had a male client that discovered that his wife of 20 years spent the better part of their marriage in an affair with her boss. It was deep undercover. He did not bother with confrontation and went to consequences very quickly. He kissed her goodbye as she left for work that morning. Half an hour later he was on OBS’ doorstep, he gave her everything he had. It was devastating. He told her that he was going to their employer next and to expect her H to be unemployed. OBS stated that he had lived off her for way too long she promised to keep mum til end of business that day. His meeting with HR ended with the company agreeing to terminate both of them. Once that stick ofTNT was planted, he showed at his in laws and told them that she would be coming home to live with them. He proceeded home to await the results of his day.
> 
> She arrived home, she looked ashen. She was literally shaking when he asked how her day went? She didn’t answer. “That bad eh? Sorry it won’t get much better. You have probably deduced that I am the one who outed you, if not then, surprise!” Sue stammers out that she can explain. He is unwilling to hear her out. He tells her that shortly she can expect a call from her AP telling her that he has been kicked out, he lost his job a few minutes after you. She is like a deer in the headlights. Our kids were informed this afternoon, as were your folks, they’re expecting you. You no longer live in this house. You need to hire an attorney as I am divorcing you. At that she had the loudest breakdown he ever saw out of his wife. She kept crying that her life is over. He tells her to leave and have her lawyer call his. He ghosted her for the yer it took to end the marriage. He never got any closure. AP lost his home, marriage and all of his money. My client relocated and restarted his life in his late forties. His ex stalks him thru FB. She sees that he now lives with a new woman. That too is a consequence. Her parents keep her on a short leash.


My day is always better after reading a great revenge story from @Taxman. Holy sh1tballs man, you are the best.

OP, please pay close attention to TAXMAN stories. This is how you get out of your situation and start fresh. Get away from your cancerous wife and start a new life where you can enjoy yourself.


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## BigDaddyNY

Loveisblindness said:


> Not yet, but I have looked into it. She has agreed to take one. Thinking about questions to ask.


I would want to ask did she or does she still love him. 

I think she genuinely loved that man, more than you. She stuck around out of convenience, and maybe even knowing she would out live him.


----------



## Asterix

Here's another thought: Based on what you've written here, I gather that he would decide what work needed to be done to the house, your wife would approve the work and then you'd sign the checks, trusting your wife's judgement. Have you considered the possibility that he may have done a lot of unnecessary "upgrades" to have the work coming in and overcharged you by quite a lot for all those years. So, it's possible that the final cost of the home improvement could be quite a lot higher (maybe even by 30-40%). By Having the work continuing on, he ensured having access to your wife. So, he got your money and he got your woman. If nothing else, Please be mad over this.

Now, let's talk about your wife's behavior over the last couple of decades. 

I think she is acting like she has no agency whatsoever. She's saying "oh poor me. I'm a total victim here. All these things happened to me and I had no say in it whatsoever". He might have said all the nice things to her while lighting fire to your marriage by badmouthing you. A good friend (let alone a wife) would have come to you and at least given a chance for you to explain your side of the story. Which she did not and now here you are. She decided to listen to him talking himself up, she allowed him to badmouth you, she allowed him to destabilize your marriage. Even a highschooler has enough critical thinking ability to see through his subterfuge. Even a highschooler knows that it's probably very wrong to open up her legs for one man while being in a committed monogamous relationship with another. She made a lot of decisions and choices along the way which ultimately shortchanged you. She's just avoiding taking responsibility for her own actions and decisions. She's probably hoping that by denying responsibility for her own choices, it'll take some sting out of this whole affair(pun of course intended).

I hope that I'm not belaboring the point here that her playing victim is a sham. I really do need you to see that. 

So, she said that she WILLINGLY participated in the affair for AT LEAST the first 9 months (that’s multiple sexytimes per week) while you were thrown some scraps. And now she's calling it abuse and incest. Let me give you an example: Say I wake you up every morning with a slap to your face. Then during the day I make you do all the dirty things that you despise doing. When you ask me to stop, I say you better keep doing this or else.. So you keep doing it for year after year. After all that, Would you put a large 8x10 picture of mine on your office desk to remember me by? I know that there exists such a thing as Stockholm syndrome. it fades away over time and with therapy once the victim is away from the abuser. The victims usually prefer not to have anything within their safe spaces that would remind them of their abuser. So, as I said having that large photo was a big FU to you and it helped her remember the AP. This is yet another reason why her story does not add up for me.

Where was this photo located on her desk, was it in the same bunch of other family portraits? Because the position of his photo also opens up a whole another can of worms.

I'd suggest to take what people have written here, summarize it in bullet points and then take it with you to your IC sessions. Sounds it out with your counselor to really understand and internalize the knowledge of your situation from multiple points of view. Because, I feel that you are still looking at the situation with rose colored glasses and there's nothing wrong with that. This is your life and you are looking at it from an insider perspective. She is your wife and the mother of your children. Our brains are wired to forget bad things that happened to us in the past and remember the past in a nostalgic way. All I'm saying is to really critically review all that happened in the past because likely a lot of what you know may not be true. 

Somehow, I still think I haven't said all that I would like to say yet. I may make a couple more posts for your consideration.


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## Loveisblindness

Evinrude58 said:


> View attachment 78176


She stayed with me during the affair for the money and lifestyle, but now she doesn't have to since she will get plenty of money if we divorce. I do think that the shame of telling people why we are getting a divorce does play a part.


----------



## Loveisblindness

LATERILUS79 said:


> Soooooo..... sounds like you have plenty of money and no need to worry about your kids as they are grown and out of the house.
> 
> For what she's done to you..... unfortunately the law doesn't help. I personally think m she deserves NOTHING. absolutely nothing. Of course, that isn't how the world works (even though it should). I've often wondered if it is possible to divorce without actually "divorcing". Catch my drift? Clear out joint accounts, give her the money then close them all. Never give her another dime. What law is in place that forces you to give her a spending allowance every week? Tell her to go get a job. Sounds like you have the money, move away and get yourself a new home. Ghost her. What law is in place that forces you to accept any phone call, text or email from your spouse? Have her fend for herself. Maybe move to a different country where it would be impossible for her to have access to your funds? Maybe you don't care about it. For me, it would be out of principle especially after what she pulled. To be honest, I'm surprised more people in empty nest situations don't do this unless I'm completely missing something here (which is very possible). Keep the government out of your business.
> 
> Fair warning: this isn't a woman bashing post. If a woman was in the exact situation as OP, I would feel the same way. Try to find a way to get away without divorcing so that you don't lose half of everything you've worked for.


She would just file for divorce if I cut her off of all cash and left. That would also turn my kids against me. Unless I wire the money out of the country to someplace that she can't get to and move there, it doesn't work.


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## Loveisblindness

LATERILUS79 said:


> correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you sympathize with her excess stress from cheating on you.
> 
> please, please…. Tell me I’m wrong.


Very wrong. She brought on the stress by staying in the relationship. Even if she was afraid to say no after 6/9 months, there was plenty of other things she could do, like just stop having sex with him or at least very rarely. I'm convinced she wanted to make him happy and that made her happy. She has referenced the Stockholm syndrome. Don't know much about it, but since another poster referenced it, I'll do a little research.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> Didn't perform oral sex on me once he showed up. Did it with him at weekly. Phone sex with him. Those are the only things she admitted to that I know.


These are the only things she's comfortable to admitting to for now. That doesn't mean that there isn't more. It's just that she's not willing to tell you. She probably thinks that by hiding the truth, she may be "saving you from the shock and anguish" or that she's "trying to save the marriage". 

In addition to asking ask her about what more she did with him, you can also ask her what she thinks she'd gain by withholding the truth from you. 

She successfully hid her cheating for ten years and all that you know now is what she told you. You do not have a way to corroborate her word. Since you cannot corroborate that, her word becomes suspect because it's in her best interests to hide the truth from you.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Diana7 said:


> You are very blessed.


Blessed in some areas, but not marriage. Who wants to start over in their late 50's.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Sfort said:


> Typically you only get two or three questions. The reliability falls dramatically after that.


That wouldn't do me much good.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Loveisblindness said:


> She would just file for divorce if I cut her off of all cash and left. That would also turn my kids against me. Unless I wire the money out of the country to someplace that she can't get to and move there, it doesn't work.


So do just that. 

I was waiting for you to say "if I do such and such, the children would turn against me."

You said that your children didn't choose sides. I thought that wasn't the case. They are definitely on their mother's side. Any grown adult who knows what your wife did would have zero respect for them and zero pity for them. There is no way, no how I would pity my own mother if I knew she cheated on my father for a decade, had way more sex with ap over her husband, enjoyed a life of luxury on her husband's dime all while betraying him. Sir, you paid your wife to have sex with another man. If my father were to jet to another country and my mother came to me saying what he had done, my answer would be, "sucks to be you, adultress."


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> Here's another thought: Based on what you've written here, I gather that he would decide what work needed to be done to the house, your wife would approve the work and then you'd sign the checks, trusting your wife's judgement. Have you considered the possibility that he may have done a lot of unnecessary "upgrades" to have the work coming in and overcharged you by quite a lot for all those years. So, it's possible that the final cost of the home improvement could be quite a lot higher (maybe even by 30-40%). By Having the work continuing on, he ensured having access to your wife. So, he got your money and he got your woman. If nothing else, Please be mad over this.
> 
> Now, let's talk about your wife's behavior over the last couple of decades.
> 
> I think she is acting like she has no agency whatsoever. She's saying "oh poor me. I'm a total victim here. All these things happened to me and I had no say in it whatsoever". He might have said all the nice things to her while lighting fire to your marriage by badmouthing you. A good friend (let alone a wife) would have come to you and at least given a chance for you to explain your side of the story. Which she did not and now here you are. She decided to listen to him talking himself up, she allowed him to badmouth you, she allowed him to destabilize your marriage. Even a highschooler has enough critical thinking ability to see through his subterfuge. Even a highschooler knows that it's probably very wrong to open up her legs for one man while being in a committed monogamous relationship with another. She made a lot of decisions and choices along the way which ultimately shortchanged you. She's just avoiding taking responsibility for her own actions and decisions. She's probably hoping that by denying responsibility for her own choices, it'll take some sting out of this whole affair(pun of course intended).
> 
> I hope that I'm not belaboring the point here that her playing victim is a sham. I really do need you to see that.
> 
> So, she said that she WILLINGLY participated in the affair for AT LEAST the first 9 months (that’s multiple sexytimes per week) while you were thrown some scraps. And now she's calling it abuse and incest. Let me give you an example: Say I wake you up every morning with a slap to your face. Then during the day I make you do all the dirty things that you despise doing. When you ask me to stop, I say you better keep doing this or else.. So you keep doing it for year after year. After all that, Would you put a large 8x10 picture of mine on your office desk to remember me by? I know that there exists such a thing as Stockholm syndrome. it fades away over time and with therapy once the victim is away from the abuser. The victims usually prefer not to have anything within their safe spaces that would remind them of their abuser. So, as I said having that large photo was a big FU to you and it helped her remember the AP. This is yet another reason why her story does not add up for me.
> 
> Where was this photo located on her desk, was it in the same bunch of other family portraits? Because the position of his photo also opens up a whole another can of worms.
> 
> I'd suggest to take what people have written here, summarize it in bullet points and then take it with you to your IC sessions. Sounds it out with your counselor to really understand and internalize the knowledge of your situation from multiple points of view. Because, I feel that you are still looking at the situation with rose colored glasses and there's nothing wrong with that. This is your life and you are looking at it from an insider perspective. She is your wife and the mother of your children. Our brains are wired to forget bad things that happened to us in the past and remember the past in a nostalgic way. All I'm saying is to really critically review all that happened in the past because likely a lot of what you know may not be true.
> 
> Somehow, I still think I haven't said all that I would like to say yet. I may make a couple more posts for your consideration.


Correct assumption that AP talked us into additional improvements in the back yard that kept him sticking around for a long time. Note she does take responsibility in allowing him to stay and talking to him so much, but at the time she had no intention and could never see herself in a sexual relationship with AP. By the time she started to have feelings for him, he started badgering her to have sex and she claims like in child abuse the sex was to keep him happy so he would stick around because she was addicted to the love and praise she was getting from him. The love bombing works the same way people join cults and get somewhat brainwashed. At least that's what she claims.
I like your suggestion of taking all of the points that people have stated here and discussing them in IC. All the posts really open up my eyes, because of course I want to believe her.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Loveisblindness said:


> Very wrong. She brought on the stress by staying in the relationship. Even if she was afraid to say no after 6/9 months, there was plenty of other things she could do, like just stop having sex with him or at least very rarely. I'm convinced she wanted to make him happy and that made her happy. She has referenced the Stockholm syndrome. Don't know much about it, but since another poster referenced it, I'll do a little research.


My mistake. I thought you felt sorry for her that she had to go through self inflicted stress from cheating. 

Just my humble opinion, she doesn't suffer from Stockholm syndrome. That would imply she was a victim. A captive of someone and over time started to sympathize with her captor. 

Hopefully others here can give you the guidance you need. There is nothing your wife could say that would convince me that a 70 year old man was capable of coercing, manipulating and abusing a grown, 38 year old woman. I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## Loveisblindness

LATERILUS79 said:


> So do just that.
> 
> I was waiting for you to say "if I do such and such, the children would turn against me."
> 
> You said that your children didn't choose sides. I thought that wasn't the case. They are definitely on their mother's side. Any grown adult who knows what your wife did would have zero respect for them and zero pity for them. There is no way, no how I would pity my own mother if I knew she cheated on my father for a decade, had way more sex with ap over her husband, enjoyed a life of luxury on her husband's dime all while betraying him. Sir, you paid your wife to have sex with another man. If my father were to jet to another country and my mother came to me saying what he had done, my answer would be, "sucks to be you, adultress."


I don't think my kids would feel that way.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> The AP's wife is dead. Should I tell his daughter and son-in-law? His granddaughter? What purpose would that serve?


I'd suggest not to bother with his family i.e. daughter and son-in-law. They are innocent in this. 

I'd also suggest to let your and her family and friends know about the extent of this affair. Notice that I didn't use the phrase "full extent" because I don't think you know that and she'll take the details to her grave.


----------



## sideways

Let me ask you this, given how F'd up and broken your wife truly is, are you prepared to stick around for the next 10+ years of her getting into heavy therapy to "potentially" fix her brokenness?

After a few years of therapy, when your wife sees you aren't going anywhere, how committed do you think she'll be to continue on with the therapy?

She's only spinning this fairytale as a way to reel you in and to feel sorry for her and more importantly to manipulate you in to not leaving her. Even then, you leaving wouldn't be what would be hurting her, nope. That the story would get out to family and friends of why you divorced her and thus all she's concerned about is HERSELF, her image and her reputation. 

What would people say about her and we can't have any of that!!

She doesn't give a [email protected] about you and how this affects you and it's the same logic of why she cheated and lied to you for YEARS because your wife only cares about what she wants and needs!!!

Your wife is selfish!!

Your wife "says" she needed the "positive validation" that this old geezer gave her? So much so that she had sex with him in YOUR home, had a large framed picture of him in YOUR home, the thousands of lies she told you in YOUR home, she stopped giving you oral but would give it to him, and on and on and on her betrayal and fairytale goes, but, she's now going to turn around, and be the COWARD that she's ALWAYS been, and look you in the eyes and tell you that she's the VICTIM......NOT YOU!!!

That she was "manipulated"?

How ironic, wife look in the mirror, and see how you're trying to manipulate your husband into believing this INSULTING fairytale!!

How many more pages is this thread going to go because it's pretty apparent you've bought into her fairytale and in my humble opinion you're not going to leave her!!

I certainly understand that this isn't easy, but instead of looking at options of how to leave her you might as well start finding what are the best options of just accepting the $hit sandwich she's given you all of these years.

The best way to accept it is to stop fighting it, sweep it under the carpet which you've been doing already, stop trying to figure out why because you know why (your wife was abused and manipulated by a 70+ yr old man for yrs in your home and she's going to need all the love and support you can give her because your heart has to break for her given what she had to endure all of those years and she's been VICTIMIZED and how dare you bail on her in her time of need). PUKE!!!!!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Loveisblindness said:


> She is in therapy and I'm sure she will be for a long time. Also note, that during the 7.5 year affair she ended up in the hospital after 1.5 years into the relationship and thereafter several more times. Basically, collapsed several times. Would stay in the hospital for several days during which they found nothing wrong. Obviously, it was just stress related to living a double life. Thus, this whole affair wasn't totally a walk in the park.


Well, it's all of it, the past abuse and the stress and everything. So glad to hear she's in therapy. I can't imagine her being so in denial that she has his photo up, or her dad's either if it was severe abuse. But she knows at least subconsciously the two are similar and she absolutely felt the need to try to control that old guy because she wasn't able to control her father. They are driven to recreate the situation in a way and then, in their mind, fix it some way. Surely the therapist will make her see what is pretty obvious to others. 

A friend of mine said she had abuse from her father, and I believed it because I'd seen some things myself, but yet she was always trying to ingratiate herself with him. She actually went into a similar business of his (very unusual business) I think just to have reasons to share with him. When she was in her 20s, she talked about the abuse a lot, but then as time went on, she bent over backwards to ingratiate herself with him and I would ask her about it, because she'd be telling me something like everything was all normal, and she literally had blocked out that stuff so she could hang onto her dad, such as he was. I mean, once I reminded her, then she'd be all shook up and remember. Abused people have some compartmentalization going a lot of times that allows them to operate on two levels about the person.


----------



## Asterix

@Loveisblindness, I have some additional thoughts about your situation. They may be a little harsh and I don't want to burden you with all that while you are in a delicate state. 

If you are open to it, I can post it here, or I can send a private conversation/message or I can keep it to myself. 

First and foremost, I hope that you are taking care of yourself and working things through in your life. Whatever I have can wait till whenever you are okay.


----------



## Amanhasnoname

Loveisblindness said:


> She also assures me that nothing has happened with anybody else in the last 10 years.


These sort of assurances always remind me of the words of one of the witnesses (Mandy Rice-Davies) in a famous British scandal that brought down a government during the 1960s.(The Profumo Affair).
It was during the trial of Dr Stephen Ward who had been accused of supplying prostitutes to various members of the aristocracy, parliament and also a russian spy.
Rice-Davies had claimed she had, had sex with Lord Astor. 
Astor's lawyer said Astor totally denied these accusations. 
Rice-Davies had the court in fits of laughter when she replied 'Well he would, wouldn't he'. 
To this day this still makes me laugh every time I think about it.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> @Loveisblindness, I have some additional thoughts about your situation. They may be a little harsh and I don't want to burden you with all that while you are in a delicate state.
> 
> If you are open to it, I can post it here, or I can send a private conversation/message or I can keep it to myself.
> 
> First and foremost, I hope that you are taking care of yourself and working things through in your life. Whatever I have can wait till whenever you are okay.


You can message me or post it. Whatever you prefer is fine.


----------



## gr8ful1

Loveisblindness said:


> That wouldn't do me much good.


Here’s what you need to do: demand that she write an EXTREMELY DETAILED and X-RATED timeline of EVERYTHING. Tell her that one of the polygraph questions will be “In the timeline, have you given the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”. That way you can at least have some sense whether you have the whole story.

Demand that she take no more than a few number of days to complete this. Tell her her marriage is 100% on the line here and any stalling or refusal will result in community-wide exposure and divorce. Also, after she’s completed the timeline, have her read it to you out loud. See how that impacts her.

Do NOT fail to do these things if you have ANY thought of sticking with her.


----------



## TAMAT

LIB, you wrote.....

*The AP's wife is dead. Should I tell his daughter and son-in-law? His granddaughter? What purpose would that serve? *

It's a punishment for your WW or looking at it another way a consequence.

I'm almost absolutely positive my W did not do anything physical with the 85 year old man, however I would have gone berserk on his family if it did to the extent that your W did and my W knows it. My feeling is that if my family is destroyed he loses his as well. 

It didn't help that his daughters thought it was cute that he was so attached to my W, which I saw when I went to the funeral for OM with my W, mostly to size up his family.


----------



## TAMAT

LIB,

Does your WW claim she never had an orgasm with OM?

This is a common minimization / lie WWs tell. 

I will say that contractors hone their seduction skills over a lifetime as they deal with lots of women with husbands are away at work. Disgustingly like with personal trainers they get paid by the women or the husbands of the women too.


----------



## Evinrude58

Loveisblindness said:


> No. Says she will take a lie detector test to prove nobody other than this man during entire marriage.


Who egging cares, dude? She loved another ma and robbed you blind of an opportunity to retire with a woman. That actually cares about you. You think she is actually remorseful?
Really? Seriously?
It’s easy to pretend to be remorseful when the AP literally died In order for the affair to end, and now there’s nothing left but pictures and voice recordings to cry over.

I really like the idea of taking your money and leaving for another country and letting her fend for herself, kinda like how she had you fending for yourself and having to stoop to screwing a ***** because she was withholding sex from you so she could be “faithful” to her AP.

I personally could not live with her, knowing who she is and how little she valued me, while at the same time valuing the lifestyle I provided. I think taking the money and running is a great idea, and if I were you I’d enjoy every second I spent frittering away the material things she loved about you to another country. I hear Switzerland is nice.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

Evinrude58 said:


> I hear Switzerland is nice.


It isn't, it's horribly expensive and not much fun.
If I were American, Philippines, Belize, Dominican Republic, South America would be my choices.
As I'm a Brit, Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam were more accessible.
India might be a Goa as well.

COVID restrictions allowing.


----------



## Evinrude58

Loveisblindness said:


> Correct assumption that AP talked us into additional improvements in the back yard that kept him sticking around for a long time. Note she does take responsibility in allowing him to stay and talking to him so much, but at the time she had no intention and could never see herself in a sexual relationship with AP. By the time she started to have feelings for *him, he started badgering her to have sex* and she claims like in child abuse the sex was to keep him happy so he would stick around because she was addicted to the love and praise she was getting from him. The love bombing works the same way people join cults and get somewhat brainwashed. At least that's what she claims.
> I like your suggestion of taking all of the points that people have stated here and discussing them in IC. All the posts really open up my eyes, because of course I want to believe her.


that is a total lie. Since when, before the first brick on the pyramids was laid, has “badgering a woman for sex” ever worked. He didn’t badge her for sex. He probably had to tell her he was old and she needed to slow down, but he didn’t badger her. If he did, it would have the opposite effect.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Loveisblindness said:


> She would just file for divorce if I cut her off of all cash and left. That would also turn my kids against me. Unless I wire the money out of the country to someplace that she can't get to and move there, it doesn't work.


Sorry you lost all that money gambling. 😉


----------



## Divinely Favored

Loveisblindness said:


> Very wrong. She brought on the stress by staying in the relationship. Even if she was afraid to say no after 6/9 months, there was plenty of other things she could do, like just stop having sex with him or at least very rarely. I'm convinced she wanted to make him happy and that made her happy. She has referenced the Stockholm syndrome. Don't know much about it, but since another poster referenced it, I'll do a little research.


S.H.S. MY AZZ! She was not kidnapped and held captive....does not apply. More excuses she is trying to throw up.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Loveisblindness said:


> Correct assumption that AP talked us into additional improvements in the back yard that kept him sticking around for a long time. Note she does take responsibility in allowing him to stay and talking to him so much, but at the time she had no intention and could never see herself in a sexual relationship with AP. By the time she started to have feelings for him, he started badgering her to have sex and she claims like in child abuse the sex was to keep him happy so he would stick around because she was addicted to the love and praise she was getting from him. The love bombing works the same way people join cults and get somewhat brainwashed. At least that's what she claims.
> I like your suggestion of taking all of the points that people have stated here and discussing them in IC. All the posts really open up my eyes, because of course I want to believe her.


She is pulling out all the excuses. She even done some research to try to snoball you to actually believe her ****.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd

Loveisblindness said:


> She would just file for divorce if I cut her off of all cash and left. That would also turn my kids against me. Unless I wire the money out of the country to someplace that she can't get to and move there, it doesn't work.


I did exactly that, she still got 2/3 of all my lifetime accumulated assets.
But at least I got to keep the 1/3 that was portable, and no maintenance.


----------



## manowar

Something is off here. It doesn't add up.



Diana7 said:


> He abused me, he raped me, he made me have an affair all those years. He made me have his photo up. He made me have sex in every room. He made me lie and deceive my husband for all that time.


this might be accurate but not the way you think it is. She's subcommunicating. No way she had a 'regular' affair with this man. So-called normal sex. No way. Attractive 38 females don't do that with 70-year-old fat guys for X years. Maybe a one time thing. If that. She could have gotten a much hotter guy for a regular affair partner. Yes he had an emotional hold over her. Your wife sounds like a submissive woman. Is she? the old man a dominant figure. Is he the kind of guy you wouldn't have wanted to fk around with when he was somewhat younger? 

I think this guy* may *have been her Dom and she was his Sub. If im right, he likely commanded her to put that photo up. Her duty was to obey.



Asterix said:


> She probably thinks that by hiding the truth, she may be "*saving you from the shock and anguish*" or that she's "trying to save the marriage".


Yes because she is embarrassed and couldn't bring her kink up with you. She was afraid. Knew you couldn't fulfill it. You would judge her harshly. You aren't aware of the fantasies (fetishes) floating around in that head of hers. Old man recognized this. Did you ever do a thorough background check on old guy. Come up with any activity in bdsm. Any evidence of bondage that you came up w/ your wife. Stuff you found. Websites. Her slip-ups? Anything? her saying she wanted to be tied up? And you took it as a joke. Not my sweet innocent wife. And she laughed along and dropped it.



Loveisblindness said:


> By the time she started to have feelings for him, he started badgering her to have sex and she claims like in child abuse the sex was to keep him happy so he would stick around because she was addicted to the love and praise she was getting from him. The love bombing works the same way people join cults and get somewhat brainwashed


Nope. Not this guy. She was keeping him happy because she was bound to him. he owned her. There was no love-bombing unless her following his orders is love to her. She was fully on board due to the emotional and physical bonding. This isn't brainwashing but something she needed if Im on the right track. Has this ever crossed your mind?

If it makes any sense to you, as implausible as it sounds at first blush, grill her on this. Say something like you know she was his sub. He was a Dom. You have a background search on him. Don't be too direct. Don't say "honey are you interested in bondage"? See what you get out of her.


----------



## Talker67

manowar said:


> Something is off here. It doesn't add up.
> 
> 
> 
> this might be accurate but not the way you think it is. She's subcommunicating. No way she had a 'regular' affair with this man. So-called normal sex. No way. Attractive 38 females don't do that with 70-year-old fat guys for X years. Maybe a one time thing. If that. She could have gotten a much hotter guy for a regular affair partner. Yes he had an emotional hold over her. Your wife sounds like a submissive woman. Is she? the old man a dominant figure. Is he the kind of guy you wouldn't have wanted to fk around with when he was somewhat younger?
> 
> I think this guy* may *have been her Dom and she was his Sub. If im right, he likely commanded her to put that photo up. Her duty was to obey.


i think this is the case too. he is her Dom, and she really craves being the sub. Ask her if she was "collared". Sounds like she is in the category of "Married, but owned by another man".

Not sure how you can break her out of that. she has had this relationship for many years, she must absolutely love the abuse. You can get the guy off of your property (i am thinking restraining order here). but she is going to crave being sexually abused. Look into what that means, but if you are not interested in becoming her Dom....not sure if she will ever be happy going back to Vanilla-only sex with you.

I personally would be concerned about how much of a masochist your wife is. She may be into physical things, like breast torture, that you could never get into. Have you noticed any odd injuries, puncture wounds, evidence of whipping or caning, or other bruises on her body from being tied up or abused?

Something worth looking into...get an account on Fetlife, and search locations for your town to see if she has a profile on there as a sub, or if this guy has a profile on there as a Dom listing your wife as someone he "owns". there might be pictures on there of your wife.

Or, if you can live with it, let her keep the dom/sub arrangement going, and accept the vanilla spouse sex role you have in it.


----------



## Diana7

Loveisblindness said:


> Blessed in some areas, but not marriage. Who wants to start over in their late 50's.


I get you. I started over again in my 40's after a 25 year marriage. The difference was my income was very low and that does add greatly to the stress and worry especially when you have children to care for.


----------



## Diana7

manowar said:


> Something is off here. It doesn't add up.
> 
> 
> 
> this might be accurate but not the way you think it is. She's subcommunicating. No way she had a 'regular' affair with this man. So-called normal sex. No way. Attractive 38 females don't do that with 70-year-old fat guys for X years. Maybe a one time thing. If that. She could have gotten a much hotter guy for a regular affair partner. Yes he had an emotional hold over her. Your wife sounds like a submissive woman. Is she? the old man a dominant figure. Is he the kind of guy you wouldn't have wanted to fk around with when he was somewhat younger?
> 
> I think this guy* may *have been her Dom and she was his Sub. If im right, he likely commanded her to put that photo up. Her duty was to obey.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes because she is embarrassed and couldn't bring her kink up with you. She was afraid. Knew you couldn't fulfill it. You would judge her harshly. You aren't aware of the fantasies (fetishes) floating around in that head of hers. Old man recognized this. Did you ever do a thorough background check on old guy. Come up with any activity in bdsm. Any evidence of bondage that you came up w/ your wife. Stuff you found. Websites. Her slip-ups? Anything? her saying she wanted to be tied up? And you took it as a joke. Not my sweet innocent wife. And she laughed along and dropped it.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope. Not this guy. She was keeping him happy because she was bound to him. he owned her. There was no love-bombing unless her following his orders is love to her. She was fully on board due to the emotional and physical bonding. This isn't brainwashing but something she needed if Im on the right track. Has this ever crossed your mind?
> 
> If it makes any sense to you, as implausible as it sounds at first blush, grill her on this. Say something like you know she was his sub. He was a Dom. You have a background search on him. Don't be too direct. Don't say "honey are you interested in bondage"? See what you get out of her.


They are cases where younger women go after much older guys, and not always for money either. I know a man whose wife of 19 years left him for a man nearly 30 years older than her.


----------



## Talker67

what your wife may be thinking:









What is it like to be married to one person and be in a BDSM relationship with someone else when your significant other knows?


Answer (1 of 7): I'm a collared sub and married to a vanilla guy. Even though both my husband and my Dom know of each other and there are no secrets about how this triangle is arranged, it is still difficult sometimes. I love my husband dearly. He has a couple of kinks, some of them top, some bo...




www.quora.com


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Talker67 said:


> i think this is the case too. he is her Dom, and she really craves being the sub. Ask her if she was "collared". Sounds like she is in the category of "Married, but owned by another man".
> 
> Not sure how you can break her out of that. she has had this relationship for many years, she must absolutely love the abuse. You can get the guy off of your property (i am thinking restraining order here). but she is going to crave being sexually abused. Look into what that means, but if you are not interested in becoming her Dom....not sure if she will ever be happy going back to Vanilla-only sex with you.
> 
> I personally would be concerned about how much of a masochist your wife is. She may be into physical things, like breast torture, that you could never get into. Have you noticed any odd injuries, puncture wounds, evidence of whipping or caning, or other bruises on her body from being tied up or abused?
> 
> Something worth looking into...get an account on Fetlife, and search locations for your town to see if she has a profile on there as a sub, or if this guy has a profile on there as a Dom listing your wife as someone he "owns". there might be pictures on there of your wife.
> 
> Or, if you can live with it, let her keep the dom/sub arrangement going, and accept the vanilla spouse sex role you have in it.


Have you not read the OP? The AP has been dead for 10 years.


----------



## Talker67

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you not read the OP? The AP has been dead for 10 years.


lol, gonna be hard to find him online now then!



the same basic thought still persists though...SHE was a submissive in a D/S relationship, and probably liked it. He needs to explore that further, lest she be looking for a new Dom who is alive and kicking!


----------



## Loveisblindness

TAMAT said:


> LIB,
> 
> Does your WW claim she never had an orgasm with OM?
> 
> This is a common minimization / lie WWs tell.
> 
> I will say that contractors hone their seduction skills over a lifetime as they deal with lots of women with husbands are away at work. Disgustingly like with personal trainers they get paid by the women or the husbands of the women too.


She admits to having orgasms. The guy was definitely a salesman. Agree, very disgusting!


----------



## Loveisblindness

manowar said:


> Something is off here. It doesn't add up.
> 
> 
> 
> this might be accurate but not the way you think it is. She's subcommunicating. No way she had a 'regular' affair with this man. So-called normal sex. No way. Attractive 38 females don't do that with 70-year-old fat guys for X years. Maybe a one time thing. If that. She could have gotten a much hotter guy for a regular affair partner. Yes he had an emotional hold over her. Your wife sounds like a submissive woman. Is she? the old man a dominant figure. Is he the kind of guy you wouldn't have wanted to fk around with when he was somewhat younger?
> 
> I think this guy* may *have been her Dom and she was his Sub. If im right, he likely commanded her to put that photo up. Her duty was to obey.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes because she is embarrassed and couldn't bring her kink up with you. She was afraid. Knew you couldn't fulfill it. You would judge her harshly. You aren't aware of the fantasies (fetishes) floating around in that head of hers. Old man recognized this. Did you ever do a thorough background check on old guy. Come up with any activity in bdsm. Any evidence of bondage that you came up w/ your wife. Stuff you found. Websites. Her slip-ups? Anything? her saying she wanted to be tied up? And you took it as a joke. Not my sweet innocent wife. And she laughed along and dropped it.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope. Not this guy. She was keeping him happy because she was bound to him. he owned her. There was no love-bombing unless her following his orders is love to her. She was fully on board due to the emotional and physical bonding. This isn't brainwashing but something she needed if Im on the right track. Has this ever crossed your mind?
> 
> If it makes any sense to you, as implausible as it sounds at first blush, grill her on this. Say something like you know she was his sub. He was a Dom. You have a background search on him. Don't be too direct. Don't say "honey are you interested in bondage"? See what you get out of her.


Never thought about this angle. I did ask her if he ever choked her or was forceful with her because I read that was the number one fantasy for woman. She said no to choking and he was forceful several times and she didn't like it.


----------



## Loveisblindness

manowar said:


> Something is off here. It doesn't add up.
> 
> 
> 
> this might be accurate but not the way you think it is. She's subcommunicating. No way she had a 'regular' affair with this man. So-called normal sex. No way. Attractive 38 females don't do that with 70-year-old fat guys for X years. Maybe a one time thing. If that. She could have gotten a much hotter guy for a regular affair partner. Yes he had an emotional hold over her. Your wife sounds like a submissive woman. Is she? the old man a dominant figure. Is he the kind of guy you wouldn't have wanted to fk around with when he was somewhat younger?
> 
> I think this guy* may *have been her Dom and she was his Sub. If im right, he likely commanded her to put that photo up. Her duty was to obey.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes because she is embarrassed and couldn't bring her kink up with you. She was afraid. Knew you couldn't fulfill it. You would judge her harshly. You aren't aware of the fantasies (fetishes) floating around in that head of hers. Old man recognized this. Did you ever do a thorough background check on old guy. Come up with any activity in bdsm. Any evidence of bondage that you came up w/ your wife. Stuff you found. Websites. Her slip-ups? Anything? her saying she wanted to be tied up? And you took it as a joke. Not my sweet innocent wife. And she laughed along and dropped it.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope. Not this guy. She was keeping him happy because she was bound to him. he owned her. There was no love-bombing unless her following his orders is love to her. She was fully on board due to the emotional and physical bonding. This isn't brainwashing but something she needed if Im on the right track. Has this ever crossed your mind?
> 
> If it makes any sense to you, as implausible as it sounds at first blush, grill her on this. Say something like you know she was his sub. He was a Dom. You have a background search on him. Don't be too direct. Don't say "honey are you interested in bondage"? See what you get out of her.


Although, I'm starting to think that AP may have told her not to perform oral sex on me. Only reason I can explain why it stopped. She had no problems doing it in the early years of our marriage.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Diana7 said:


> I get you. I started over again in my 40's after a 25 year marriage. The difference was my income was very low and that does add greatly to the stress and worry especially when you have children to care for.


Hope you are doing better now.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

Loveisblindness said:


> Although, I'm starting to think that AP may have told her not to perform oral sex on me. Only reason I can explain why it stopped. She had no problems doing it in the early years of our marriage.


I would point blank ask her why she quit the oral. If he ask her or (she won't admit this I'm sure) did she like it better with him or wanted it to be a special thing just between the two of them. Did they do other kink things like did he do oral on her? If so did she like it? (again probably won't admit) Did he do a*** sex on her? Did he spank or use a strap on her? I'd ask it all but that's just me.


----------



## Diana7

Loveisblindness said:


> Hope you are doing better now.


Married again 16 years ago thanks.


----------



## sideways

I don't recall if this was asked or if you mentioned it, but there's no doubt that they were having unprotected sex.

So again, in her selfishness, she was putting your health at risk. Have you been tested?

So basically during the 7.5 yrs she was with grandpa she:

*exposed you to STD's
*cut you off orally
*had sex in every room in your home (and YES they had sex in your bed despite what she says)
*was financially unfaithful as well given there was work done on your home that wasn't necessary
*turned into a huge ***** towards you
*was having sex with him three times a week
*thousands of lies
*a HUGE F YOU having a large framed photo of him on her desk
*still can't just OWN her $hit.....claims she was "manipulated" and "abused" and "taken advantage of"
*loaned him money
*robbed you of countless years of your life living a lie
*even now there's NO remorse (if there was she wouldn't be so concerned about family and friends finding out and she wouldn't be focusing on her reputation but rather what all of this has done to you and doing whatever it takes to help you heal)
*continues to spew this fairytale to you

What a freaking nightmare!!

Have you been to a Dr to be tested?


----------



## manowar

Loveisblindness said:


> *Only reason I can explain why it stopped.*


that's not why. Or at least entirely why. You don't understand the game.

You seem like an overall good guy but this is pretty much what I see. Not intended to knock you but more of a 2x4 across the head. IOW it's not personal but criticism of an archetype.

Brother, you are still very plugged in and don't see the world for what it is. Your beliefs appear to have been formed by the Machine and your view of women by your clergyman. You are a nice guy. Have you always followed the rules? Never broken one? Perhaps this is how you got ahead in a corporate/law career. These are the sorts that get ahead nowadays in western institutions. The don't make any waves guy; went to the right school; kisses azz. Did the other guy get the girl in college while you stood by watching? And you wondered why me. But took it in stride because that's what nice guys do. Everything was going to change when you became a success. That's what the machine promised. But has anything really changed. Sure you have a nicer car and house and bank. You even got the hot girl. But not the hot sex. You were supposed to get that. Instead, that went to an old fker. And perhaps others. You got the plain vanilla and after a while, it just trickled off.. How and why could this happen? You were too nice. One thing I know for certain is that nice guys always lose. Always. Women like guys that have a bit of a rake streak in them. Nice guys are predictable, create no tension,no anxiety, are highly agreeable, give the girls everything she wants. Is relegated into the pure provider role, isn't dominant in the relationship; supplicates to woman. This is right out of the clergyman handbook. There's the old saying - how do you get your woman to resent you? You give her everything she wants.

And you just kept on doing like you've been programmed. I ask you - which of you was truly brainwashed? Get up and go to work to earn. Like a plow-horse. A man who is sent out into the fields from sunrise to sunset with the purpose of working to earn. A glorified Provider for wifey and kids. (read the Manipulated Man by ester vilar). They do indeed love you. Wife loves you but probably is not in love with you anymore (her attraction faded long ago, i.e. no more head) while the kids don't truly appreciate all you do for them. Hey, they're just kids right and your a man and well men go unappreciated. This here is how your clergyman told you life is supposed to be lived and you bought into it. Maybe that's why your here w/ this fked up story. this stuff doesn't happen to Not-nice-guys.


----------



## Killi

Loveisblindness said:


> Although, I'm starting to think that AP may have told her not to perform oral sex on me. Only reason I can explain why it stopped. She had no problems doing it in the early years of our marriage.


She was just being loyal to the AP not because AP asked her to.


----------



## Blondilocks

Some situations really are black and white. Your wife led a double life for 7 1/2 years which you financed. She actually had you paying a guy to screw her in your own home.

The only way to get the stink off is to stop petting the skunk and skip on down the road. 

Divorce her and don't worry about your kids hating your guts. If they do, change your will.


----------



## Talker67

sideways said:


> I don't recall if this was asked or if you mentioned it, but there's no doubt that they were having unprotected sex.
> 
> So again, in her selfishness, she was putting your health at risk. Have you been tested?
> 
> So basically during the 7.5 yrs she was with grandpa she:
> 
> *exposed you to STD's
> *cut you off orally
> *had sex in every room in your home (and YES they had sex in your bed despite what she says)
> *was financially unfaithful as well given there was work done on your home that wasn't necessary
> *turned into a huge [email protected] towards you
> *was having sex with him three times a week
> *thousands of lies
> *a HUGE F YOU having a large framed photo of him on her desk
> *still can't just OWN her $hit.....claims she was "manipulated" and "abused" and "taken advantage of"
> *loaned him money
> *robbed you of countless years of your life living a lie
> *even now there's NO remorse (if there was she wouldn't be so concerned about family and friends finding out and she wouldn't be focusing on her reputation but rather what all of this has done to you and doing whatever it takes to help you heal)
> *continues to spew this fairytale to you
> 
> What a freaking nightmare!!
> 
> Have you been to a Dr to be tested?


yeah, but in the context of a DOM/SUB relationship, all of that is kind of expected. 
Turning off the oral sex is a big tell. I am sure there was anal sex provided to the dom too, that was denied the spouse, as well as all sorts of other kinky sex.

Was she coerced into all this, or did she actually want the D/S relationship...who knows? But it was such a lengthy one, it is hard to imagine she was not a very active participant.

I would polygraph her, and ask about all the different types of sex they had, and if the Dom told her to not provide the same to her husband. That would tell the OP for sure what was going on.

If it was not a consensuall D/S relationship, maybe she was legitimately blackmailed into it all somehow.


----------



## MattMatt

Killi said:


> She was just being loyal to the AP not because AP asked her to.


Might also be why she had a picture of him on her desk?


----------



## MattMatt

The other man (I use the term man very loosely) might have destroyed any number of marriages through his long and disgusting life.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

@Loveisblindness You've gotten advice for nearly 2 weeks. Any thought on how you will proceed?


----------



## Asterix

Talker67 said:


> yeah, but in the context of a DOM/SUB relationship, all of that is kind of expected.
> Turning off the oral sex is a big tell. I am sure there was anal sex provided to the dom too, that was denied the spouse, as well as all sorts of other kinky sex.
> 
> *Was she coerced into all this, or did she actually want the D/S relationship...who knows?* But it was such a lengthy one, it is hard to imagine she was not a very active participant.
> 
> I would polygraph her, and ask about all the different types of sex they had, and if the Dom told her to not provide the same to her husband. That would tell the OP for sure what was going on.
> 
> *If it was not a consensual D/S relationship, maybe she was legitimately blackmailed into it all somehow.*


I hear what you are saying. There's one point that I'd respectfully disagree. I think it does not matter anymore whether she wanted this D/s relationship or whether it was consensual. She made a series of bad choices and deliberately kept his inappropriate advances hidden from her husband. Ending up in that relationship (and it was a long term relationship) was a result of her own choices and decisions. She has only herself to blame for that.

Right now she's doing whatever she can to avoid taking responsibility for all that by playing the victim. She may have been a victim of his devious scheming AND at the same time she was an active perpetrator in cheating on her husband and starving him off her affection while giving it away for cheap to this contractor.. So, if anyone is a victim here it'd be OP. Till she realizes this by herself (or with the help of her IC) all that she shows will be just run-of-the-mill regret that all cheaters have. It most definitely wont be be remorse.


----------



## Talker67

i agree, she clearly cheated on her husband.

but i assume we are talking about reconciliation, and the likelihood of that succeeding. If she was tricked or blackmailed into the D/S relationship would mean something if i were the OP.

What sexual acts the two of them performed would also be something i would want a full accounting of, with some sort of verification (polygraph?). If she were giving anal and oral sex to the AP, and i got none of that, that would speak volumes of if she were doing it consensually or not.

Finally, her willingness to be open and tell me all would be a big factor.


----------



## Loveisblindness

sideways said:


> I don't recall if this was asked or if you mentioned it, but there's no doubt that they were having unprotected sex.
> 
> So again, in her selfishness, she was putting your health at risk. Have you been tested?
> 
> So basically during the 7.5 yrs she was with grandpa she:
> 
> *exposed you to STD's
> *cut you off orally
> *had sex in every room in your home (and YES they had sex in your bed despite what she says)
> *was financially unfaithful as well given there was work done on your home that wasn't necessary
> _turned into a huge ****_ towards you
> *was having sex with him three times a week
> *thousands of lies
> *a HUGE F YOU having a large framed photo of him on her desk
> *still can't just OWN her $hit.....claims she was "manipulated" and "abused" and "taken advantage of"
> *loaned him money
> *robbed you of countless years of your life living a lie
> *even now there's NO remorse (if there was she wouldn't be so concerned about family and friends finding out and she wouldn't be focusing on her reputation but rather what all of this has done to you and doing whatever it takes to help you heal)
> *continues to spew this fairytale to you
> 
> What a freaking nightmare!!
> 
> Have you been to a Dr to be tested?


She never used a condemn.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Talker67 said:


> i agree, she clearly cheated on her husband.
> 
> but i assume we are talking about reconciliation, and the likelihood of that succeeding. If she was tricked or blackmailed into the D/S relationship would mean something if i were the OP.
> 
> What sexual acts the two of them performed would also be something i would want a full accounting of, with some sort of verification (polygraph?). If she were giving anal and oral sex to the AP, and i got none of that, that would speak volumes of if she were doing it consensually or not.
> 
> Finally, her willingness to be open and tell me all would be a big factor.


She gave AP lots of oral sex. Says they tried anal once but it didnt work since AP couldn't stay hard.


----------



## Loveisblindness

BigDaddyNY said:


> @Loveisblindness You've gotten advice for nearly 2 weeks. Any thought on how you will proceed?





BigDaddyNY said:


> @Loveisblindness You've gotten advice for nearly 2 weeks. Any thought on how you will proceed?


main home is going up for sale in the next month.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> Correct assumption that AP talked us into additional improvements in the back yard that kept him sticking around for a long time. *Note she does take responsibility in allowing him to stay and talking to him so much*, but at the time she had no intention and could never see herself in a sexual relationship with AP. *By the time she started to have feelings for him, he started badgering her to have sex *and she claims like in child abuse the sex was to keep him happy so he would stick around because she was addicted to the love and praise she was getting from him. The love bombing works the same way people join cults and get somewhat brainwashed. At least that's what she claims.
> I like your suggestion of taking all of the points that people have stated here and discussing them in IC. All the posts really open up my eyes, because of course I want to believe her.


Now I'm feeling judgemental. How nice of her that she takes responsibility for something that is easily provable and is not as damaging compared to many other things which she's still vehemently denying.

Here's what I've noticed just with this limited view into your (and her) life, people on this forum found gaping holes in her story. I hope she realizes sooner rather than later that her stories and lies don't hold much water.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> She gave AP lots of oral sex. Says they tried anal once but it didnt work since AP couldn't stay hard.


Sounds like this is similar to the rest of their affair. She claims she wanted to stop after 9 months but the sexual part continued for years till he couldn't perform. So, I'm guessing there would be plenty of oral and anal had he been able to stay hard. So she was willing and open and it didn't happen not for the lack of her willingness but for his inability to perform. Or could it be possible that she's saying this to do some damage control by denying that it happened once or many times. That's yet another item to add to the FU list from her to you.

It's also very hurtful that she started with a deep emotional affair where she likely shared a lot of intimate details that she probably didn't even share with you. He used all that to his advantage and to knock you down.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> main home is going up for sale in the next month.


I think that is a good start. She had a lot of memories in there that you don't want to have any part with. You don't want to look at the rooms, the furniture, the bed and get triggered over and over again.


----------



## Asterix

@Loveisblindness , how are you doing? Hope that you are keeping your head about the water and taking a day at a time.


----------



## blackclover3

Loveisblindness said:


> She hasn't cheated for the last 10 years, unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating. I have built my whole life with her in it. Friends and family. I still love her, but am starting to question that.


No you don't love her, you are used to have her around. you are not even a second option in her plan what she had done is beyond imagination. may be the only reason she didnt cheat after that because she is still faithful to her first and last love who died. you are only there because you are providing financially. 
lets say you lose all your money and broke, do you think she will remain in marriage? the short answer is NO


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Loveisblindness said:


> main home is going up for sale in the next month.


Are you relocating together or is this the apex of a solo adventure sans adulterous Trollip?


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> @Loveisblindness , how are you doing? Hope that you are keeping your head about the water and taking a day at a time.


Exactly - one day at a time. In counseling. Things are a little better then the first few weeks after D-day.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Dictum Veritas said:


> Are you relocating together or is this the apex of a solo adventure sans adulterous Trollip?


We are actually in the process of building a new home in a new state when D-Day occurred. She is definitely moving to the new house. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

You should build an out house on the old bastard's grave.


----------



## Asterix

I was thinking about you and what you mentioned about your wife. I'm curious to know if this following looks familiar at all or does not really match with your SO's behavior patterns:


----------



## LATERILUS79

Blondilocks said:


> Some situations really are black and white. Your wife led a double life for 7 1/2 years which you financed. She actually had you paying a guy to screw her in your own home.
> 
> The only way to get the stink off is to stop petting the skunk and skip on down the road.
> 
> Divorce her and don't worry about your kids hating your guts. If they do, change your will.


This right here. 

Wow. 


Read this hard hitting beautiful advice from Blondi. Then read it again - then for good measure, recite it to yourself as you fall asleep. 

You paid for her affair. 

You are still wallowing in filth. 

Any kid that would take their mother's side in this atrocity should be removed from the will. Seriously. This would be betrayal almost to the level of your wife. Your kids can't possibly take the side of your wife if they knew all the details you shared with us. If they do, then they have betrayed you and don't deserve you as a loving father.


----------



## manowar

Loveisblindness said:


> *I still love her,* but am starting to question that.



due to a lack of options.


----------



## manowar

Loveisblindness said:


> *We are actually in the process of building a new home* in a new state when D-Day occurred. *She is definitely moving to the new house.*


 beta provider taken to a new level.......A reward nonetheless. of course nothing but the best. your clergyman would be proud of you.


----------



## Evinrude58

She’s gonna have to stay in the NEW house? Say it ain’t so? She made you pay her to love and cherish til death do us part ANOTHER man, and you’re gonna make her live in the new house? I wish you wouldn’t treat her so poorly. I have to agree, this is definitely crIngeworthy. 
OP, what would she have to do in order to get you to decide she’s not worthy of being Mrs loveisnlind?


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Loveisblindness said:


> We are actually in the process of building a new home in a new state...


Has she net the contractor yet?

Why is she moving into this new house? Can't you sell it during construction, or immediately after completion?

This is a woman who stopped giving you oral sex so that she could save herself for her affair partner. She deserves a new house?!


----------



## Asterix

@Loveisblindness, please buy this book below and read it. Then read it again. It should help you.









No More Mr. Nice Guy - Kindle edition by Glover, Robert. Self-Help Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


No More Mr. Nice Guy - Kindle edition by Glover, Robert. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.



www.amazon.com





I'm not affiliated with the company/website (apart from being a customer).


----------



## Asterix

@Loveisblindness , how are you doing? Hope you are doing well, all things considering?


----------



## jsmart

Taxman said:


> Had a male client that discovered that his wife of 20 years spent the better part of their marriage in an affair with her boss. It was deep undercover. He did not bother with confrontation and went to consequences very quickly. He kissed her goodbye as she left for work that morning. Half an hour later he was on OBS’ doorstep, he gave her everything he had. It was devastating. He told her that he was going to their employer next and to expect her H to be unemployed. OBS stated that he had lived off her for way too long she promised to keep mum til end of business that day. His meeting with HR ended with the company agreeing to terminate both of them. Once that stick ofTNT was planted, he showed at his in laws and told them that she would be coming home to live with them. He proceeded home to await the results of his day.
> 
> She arrived home, she looked ashen. She was literally shaking when he asked how her day went? She didn’t answer. “That bad eh? Sorry it won’t get much better. You have probably deduced that I am the one who outed you, if not then, surprise!” Sue stammers out that she can explain. He is unwilling to hear her out. He tells her that shortly she can expect a call from her AP telling her that he has been kicked out, he lost his job a few minutes after you. She is like a deer in the headlights. Our kids were informed this afternoon, as were your folks, they’re expecting you. You no longer live in this house. You need to hire an attorney as I am divorcing you. At that she had the loudest breakdown he ever saw out of his wife. She kept crying that her life is over. He tells her to leave and have her lawyer call his. He ghosted her for the yer it took to end the marriage. He never got any closure. AP lost his home, marriage and all of his money. My client relocated and restarted his life in his late forties. His ex stalks him thru FB. She sees that he now lives with a new woman. That too is a consequence. Her parents keep her on a short leash.


Wow Tax, I love your post of how betrayed spouses spring into action. Over and over, when I suggest that a BH go to their WWs HR to try to get them both fired , I hear at least one poster talking about having spousal support imposed due to her being unemployed. Maybe you can shed some light, don’t the family courts expect the unemployed spouse to get a comparable paying job. I know they do that to men.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> @Loveisblindness , how are you doing? Hope you are doing well, all things considering?


Still horrible. Think I'm sinking further into depression. Not sure what to do to feel better. Hoping time will help. IC isn't doing much at the moment.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Loveisblindness said:


> Still horrible. Think I'm sinking further into depression. Not sure what to do to feel better. Hoping time will help. IC isn't doing much at the moment.


You're a valuable man who married a very broken woman. Nothing you did caused her to behave as she did. She would have done it to a billionaire clone of Brad Pitt. 

You have many good, happy years ahead of you. The best thing you can do is to cut this dead weight off your back so that you can move forward.


----------



## blackclover3

now you need to prevent this from happening to your kids. set an example that cheating is not tolerated. working on this marriage will show your kids that it is ok to get back to a broken marriage and live unhappy.


----------



## manowar

Watch this video amigo. especially from 8.09min+. watch this guy's other videos. You need to be reeducated. your wiring has been crossed up for a long time.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> Still horrible. Think I'm sinking further into depression. Not sure what to do to feel better. Hoping time will help. IC isn't doing much at the moment.


@Loveisblindness I'm really sorry to hear this. I truly am. It seems that you are taking on a disproportionate amount of burden of this affair on your shoulders. Based on what you've written about your wife, she certainly seems regretful but definitely not remorseful. I mean, can she look at herself in the mirror and feel any self respect considering all the things that he made her do.

If I haven't sent this links to you already, please check these articles out:









When Someone Cheats or Mistreats You, It’s Not About You


I used to think when someone cheated on me that I was flawed. But I've come to learn that someone cheats or mistreats us, it's about them, not us.



tinybuddha.com













What Helped Me Move On After Being Cheated On - Tiny Buddha


“Sometimes walking away is the only option because you finally respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better.” ~Unknown When I was cheated on, I was hit by an ongoing blizzard of conflicting emotions. There were the initial tears that I failed to hide from anyone. There was a cold...



tinybuddha.com













Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse? - ChumpLady.com


So you’ve been chumped and you’re trying to decide if your cheater is truly sorry. Is it real remorse? Or is it genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse (GINR)? You know, sort of looks like the real thing, but upon closer inspection is a cheap fake. Here’s a handy check list to help you distinguish...




www.chumplady.com













Dear Chump Lady, Why do cheaters cry? And why do we fall for it? - ChumpLady.com


Dear Chump Lady, Why on earth do chumps (or any of us who have found ourselves in a skein of ****edupedness of any relational sort) fall for cheaters’ crocodile tears? Just today I was reading on an infidelity site about how a guy was listening to his wife (justify) explain her actions in the...




www.chumplady.com





Please check other article on these websites as well.

Have you started talking to an individual counselor? Is she still thinking about moving to the new house? How does she justify that? Have you talked to your friends and family about this affair and asked for their support? Please don't isolate yourself. Leaning on your support structure can help you dealing with this situation and may help you with the feeling of depression.

Please Feel free to express your thoughts and feelings here as well.


----------



## Asterix

@Loveisblindness , how are you doing? 

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are doing okay. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own needs first.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> @Loveisblindness , how are you doing?
> 
> Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are doing okay. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own needs first.


Things are horrible. She went to my condo for a couple of weeks to visit one of my children. Back now. Can't seem to enjoy anything in my life. Threw myself into work for a while, but that was just an escape. IC seems useless. I get paid lots of money to solve people's problems and am decent at it, but somehow I can't begin to solve my own. Never been this way my entire life. Can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Therapist keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. Guess I don't have much choice. Totally shattered!


----------



## Loveisblindness

maquiscat said:


> I can tell you right now that you are going to get swamped with a lot of responses saying basically she is a liar and untrustworthy and is manipulating you and she'll do it again and basically a lot of negative, maybe even saying she is probably having another affair right now.
> 
> And there is a chance any of it could be true. But abuse and manipulation are real things, and people can succumb to them and be caught in a web of the lies of the manipulator. Even when the abused wakes up, they can still believe the lies of how much they will lose by saying anything.
> 
> It will be up to you whether you believe her story. Even if you do, then you have to decide whether or not it is something you can live with. Her being manipulated will be mitigating enough for some people, but not for all. Will it be for you. This will not be an easy set of decisions for you. But you do need to go into it knowing that what she claims is plausible and has happened to others.


Rereading my threading and wondering is this plausible. Haven't read much of this happening on these boards. What makes you say it plausible?


----------



## Loveisblindness

Skookaroo said:


> Her story seems plausible, but then again, she lied to you for 7 years, so who can trust anything she says? I think you ought to see a therapist.


What makes you say her story is plausible?


----------



## Loveisblindness

BlueWoman said:


> I actually believe her. I’ve seen it happen. But I don’t know that it matters. Whether she was manipulated or not, she still made a series of very poor choices. How could you ever trust her again? She was still easy to manipulate and you have no reason to believe that if she were in a similar position she wouldn’t still make those choices because she is too easily manipulated. She seems like a very unsafe partner.


You've seen manipulation on this level? Offering sex to somebody that you are not attracted to at all. Performing sexual acts you would otherwise never do?


----------



## Loveisblindness

sideways said:


> Ok why are you here?
> 
> You obviously are buying her fairytale and it appears you aren't going to do anything about it (you've been asked numerous times what you're going to do about it and you've ignored the question every time).
> 
> Your wife is one F'd up individual. She was NEVER manipulated but what's ironic is she sure is good at manipulating you!!


I'm trying to reconcile, but it's been very hard to move on. I made mistakes too, so am not as ready as everybody on these boards is to throw away a 30+ year relationship. We are both IC. Also listed to Mort Fertel online MC. Things still suck.


----------



## Killi

Loveisblindness said:


> I'm trying to reconcile, but it's been very hard to move on. I made mistakes too, so am not as ready as everybody on these boards is to throw away a 30+ year relationship. We are both IC. Also listed to Mort Fertel online MC. Things still suck.


Sunk Cost fallacy. You are ignoring the fact that you are just increasing the number of years you are throwing away.


----------



## AGoodFlogging

Sorry to hear your story @Loveisblindness.

Have you seen a doctor about your mental health? I'm not a big fan of medicating, but you have been through a significant trauma and perhaps you need some short-term meds to level you out. I think it might be a bit beyond the abilities of talking therapy alone at the moment.

You do need to be asking yourself a couple of questions really around whether you will be able to trust your wife again and be able to get past what has happened. If your answer is no to either of those attempts at reconciliation will be a painful waste of time.

My own view is that your wife is full of ****. Her poor boundaries and inability to simply communicate an issue to you got her into this mess. She seems to be following the narcissist's prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

I'm not sure you are in a strong enough place if she decides to get to the last line to be honest and why should you hang around until she does?

I mean how hard would it have been to let you know that a contractor on the job was being inappropriate so you could get him thrown off?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

She already threw away your marriage OP. You're just throwing away more of your time and wellbeing.


----------



## marko polo

Loveisblindness said:


> You've seen manipulation on this level? Offering sex to somebody that you are not attracted to at all. Performing sexual acts you would otherwise never do?


How do you know your wife was not attracted to the other man? If you are relying on her word only that is an error.

As for a performing sex acts they wouldn't otherwise - this is done to keep the other man's interest and keep him invested in the illicit relationship. 

_*The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk *until just recently makes me sick.* The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time* is literally mind boggling._

This other man possessed a darkness of character / personality that your wife was drawn to, wanted to possess. She gave herself willingly. 

*she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. *You are no more than an after thought to your wife. Her heart will always belong to him or any other like him that she may come across.


----------



## Amanhasnoname

Loveisblindness said:


> Things are horrible. She went to my condo for a couple of weeks to visit one of my children. Back now. Can't seem to enjoy anything in my life. Threw myself into work for a while, but that was just an escape. IC seems useless. I get paid lots of money to solve people's problems and am decent at it, but somehow I can't begin to solve my own. Never been this way my entire life. Can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Therapist keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. Guess I don't have much choice. Totally shattered!


Does your IC specialise in trauma? If not get rid of him/her and find someone who does.

If he/she does specialise in trauma......Get rid of them and find someone better.


----------



## Galabar01

Your wife is disgusting. How could you stay with her?


----------



## Loveisblindness

Killi said:


> Sunk Cost fallacy. You are ignoring the fact that you are just increasing the number of years you are throwing away.


Fair point, but our lives our very entangled with each other's friends and family. Very hard to throw that out the window. Takes a very long time to re-create. How many folks that get divorced in their late 50s are happy? Not many I know.


----------



## maquiscat

Loveisblindness said:


> Rereading my threading and wondering is this plausible. Haven't read much of this happening on these boards. What makes you say it plausible?


Having dealt with abuse myself and others I know who who have been abused. It's amazing what one ends up believing.


----------



## Loveisblindness

AGoodFlogging said:


> Sorry to hear your story @Loveisblindness.
> 
> Have you seen a doctor about your mental health? I'm not a big fan of medicating, but you have been through a significant trauma and perhaps you need some short-term meds to level you out. I think it might be a bit beyond the abilities of talking therapy alone at the moment.
> 
> You do need to be asking yourself a couple of questions really around whether you will be able to trust your wife again and be able to get past what has happened. If your answer is no to either of those attempts at reconciliation will be a painful waste of time.
> 
> My own view is that your wife is full of ****. Her poor boundaries and inability to simply communicate an issue to you got her into this mess. She seems to be following the narcissist's prayer:
> 
> That didn't happen.
> And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
> And if it was, that's not a big deal.
> And if it is, that's not my fault.
> And if it was, I didn't mean it.
> And if I did, you deserved it.
> 
> I'm not sure you are in a strong enough place if she decides to get to the last line to be honest and why should you hang around until she does?
> 
> I mean how hard would it have been to let you know that a contractor on the job was being inappropriate so you could get him thrown off?


I have no idea whether I will be able to trust her again or get over this. My therapist says that only time will tell. There is no way to know definitively at this point. So I'm taking it one day at a time. I have a prescription to Xanax, but that I take as needed to sleep or when I have severe anxiety. It helps when things get really bad. I have had some really self inflicting harm thoughts but I'm usually successful in dismissing them. Sick prayer above. She acknowledges it happened and that it was bad, but definitely doesn't think it was all her fault.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Tested_by_stress said:


> She already threw away your marriage OP. You're just throwing away more of your time and wellbeing.


I think either way the next few years of my life will suck. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there is any quick fix. Even if I leave right now, my therapist said this will follow me for some time.


----------



## Loveisblindness

marko polo said:


> How do you know your wife was not attracted to the other man? If you are relying on her word only that is an error.
> 
> As for a performing sex acts they wouldn't otherwise - this is done to keep the other man's interest and keep him invested in the illicit relationship.
> 
> _*The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk *until just recently makes me sick.* The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time* is literally mind boggling._
> 
> This other man possessed a darkness of character / personality that your wife was drawn to, wanted to possess. She gave herself willingly.
> 
> *she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. *You are no more than an after thought to your wife. Her heart will always belong to him or any other like him that she may come across.


Clearly I was an afterthought for many years. I guess she wanted to keep him around so she did whatever he wanted, even liked his ashole.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Amanhasnoname said:


> Does your IC specialise in trauma? If not get rid of him/her and find someone who does.
> 
> If he/she does specialise in trauma......Get rid of them and find someone better.


I'll give her a few more weeks. Yes she deals with PTSD.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Galabar01 said:


> Your wife is disgusting. How could you stay with her?


Guess I'm just really weak emotionally or just used to having her around like a bad habit. My only long term relationship.


----------



## GusPolinski

Loveisblindness said:


> I'm trying to reconcile, but it's been very hard to move on. I made mistakes too, so am not as ready as everybody on these boards is to throw away a 30+ year relationship. We are both IC. Also listed to Mort Fertel online MC. Things still suck.


Going on 28 years here with almost 22 married, and I’ll share this with you —

Reconciliation doesn’t involve “moving on” but rather _working through it_.

I’d also caution you against going all in on a sunk cost fallacy — 30+ years is indeed a long time, but every day spent hanging around in a situation in the face of which you know deep down you don’t even want to reconcile will wind up being just another day wasted once you come to that realization.

Not saying that you will, mind you — I’m saying that’s what you should be working to figure out.


----------



## Galabar01

Loveisblindness said:


> ... even liked his ashole.


...and kissed you afterwards?

What are you going to be thinking the next time you kiss her? What are you going to be thinking when that tongue comes near your mouth?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I've been with my wife 30 years OP . If I found out she did what your wife did, she'd be gone from my life.i couldn't spend another day with someone like that.What a vile human being. The old dead pos's family would be filled in on what kind of man he was btw.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Tested_by_stress said:


> I've been with my wife 30 years OP . If I found out she did what your wife did, she'd be gone from my life.i couldn't spend another day with someone like that.What a vile human being. The old dead pos's family would be filled in on what kind of man he was btw.


I would have said the same thing before it happened to me. Funny how that works.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Tested_by_stress said:


> I've been with my wife 30 years OP . If I found out she did what your wife did, she'd be gone from my life.i couldn't spend another day with someone like that.What a vile human being. The old dead pos's family would be filled in on what kind of man he was btw.


Thought about telling his family, but he died 10 years ago so would that really help me at this point.


----------



## balbichi

with all due respect m, why are you here OP? You clearly are not listening to our advice. So, what exactly are you looking for here? If you are looking for validation, you won’t get it here. In here, we don’t like rug sweeping the affair.


----------



## Blondilocks

Loveisblindness said:


> Guess I'm just really weak emotionally or just used to having her around like a bad habit. My only long term relationship.


What does your wife bring to your life besides pain? When she was gone for two weeks to your condo, did you feel less stressed or less anxious? Were you able to breathe a little easier?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

So you've decided to stay with her OP. The big question you'll have to answer to yourself is "Can i live with her and what she has done for the rest of my life?


----------



## AGoodFlogging

Loveisblindness said:


> I have no idea whether I will be able to trust her again or get over this. My therapist says that only time will tell. There is no way to know definitively at this point. So I'm taking it one day at a time. I have a prescription to Xanax, but that I take as needed to sleep or when I have severe anxiety. It helps when things get really bad. I have had some really self inflicting harm thoughts but I'm usually successful in dismissing them. Sick prayer above. She acknowledges it happened and that it was bad, but definitely doesn't think it was all her fault.


Sounds like you perhaps need to get back to your doc for a regular prescription. Thoughts of self-harm are not good.

I'm not sure you can ever reconcile with someone who does not accept their responsibility for their decisions. From your recent responses it seems you are saying that you are not leaving because it is too hard and that you might be miserable on your own. Yet here you are on Xanax, in therapy thinking about hurting yourself and utterly miserable. Would things really be worse if you separated?


----------



## Taxman

I was involved with a matter of this nature. Long term affair that came to light at its end. WW had kept both for nearly 20 years. When it came out, she told her husband that she was now his. He took a week. Assessed the inventory, and told her that she was in her fifties, no longer attractive and overweight. I don’t want APs sloppy seconds. He told her that her confession was great as it abrogated spousal support. He left her the house, as he wanted nothing to do with it. He told their children. She maintained that she was in the affair because she didn’t know how to end it. Her husband basically did not care. He said that her AP got the best of her, and he did not. At 55 he found himself a 40 year old stunner. His exWW began anti depressants. He remarried and his ex admitted that the double life cost her a good life in her old age. She does not attend family affairs as he is there with his wife, that never betrayed him that loves him without going to sleep with another man.she would date but men like her ex are very few.


----------



## Blondilocks

Taxman said:


> He remarried and his ex admitted that the double life *cost her a good olive *in her old age.


🤣


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> Clearly I was an afterthought for many years. I guess she wanted to keep him around so she did whatever he wanted, *even liked his ashole*.


Just to confirm, is that a typo? Although I think I understand what you are getting at.


----------



## TAMAT

*... even liked his ashole.*

Another mark of a serial cheater, he gets his marks to do things with him that the WWs never did or will do for their BHs, the dirtier the better to seal their lips for life. 

I've never trusted contractors they have so many oppourtunites to practice their game, and they start off in a good place because they do things the wives want done that their BHs don't have time to do or can't.

How does your WW feel about you now, do you feel real love from her or just more lies about how she values you to keep her life intact?


----------



## Gabriel

I have no idea how one gets past this. Here's why I say it.

She is the trigger for you. Staying with her, that will never go away. If you divorce, you will heal much faster - because she won't be with you anymore. Sure, you'll have some kid related stuff to deal with and she'll always be in your life because of that. But untethering from her will release you from much of this emotional burden.

Having an affair of this magnitude is really not recoverable, I'm afraid. Especially seeing your pain.

Oh, and BTW, this "abuse" angle is something that may have been true 6 months, 9 months in. But abuse had absolutely nothing to do with why the affair began, or probably at all for the first few months. She WILLINGLY crossed that line. So take away all the abuse claims etc and realize this happened willingly. She just couldn't get out of it. Her fault for putting herself in this position in the first place.


----------



## Loveisblindness

AGoodFlogging said:


> Sounds like you perhaps need to get back to your doc for a regular prescription. Thoughts of self-harm are not good.
> 
> I'm not sure you can ever reconcile with someone who does not accept their responsibility for their decisions. From your recent responses it seems you are saying that you are not leaving because it is too hard and that you might be miserable on your own. Yet here you are on Xanax, in therapy thinking about hurting yourself and utterly miserable. Would things really be worse if you separated?


Fair point. But all I'm saying is that I'm not making a decision today. My therapist told me that was the best thing to do. Try and take it one day at a time. I can make the decision when I am not so traumatized.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> Just to confirm, is that a typo? Although I think I understand what you are getting at.


yes-licked


----------



## Loveisblindness

TAMAT said:


> *... even liked his ashole.*
> 
> Another mark of a serial cheater, he gets his marks to do things with him that the WWs never did or will do for their BHs, the dirtier the better to seal their lips for life.
> 
> I've never trusted contractors they have so many oppourtunites to practice their game, and they start off in a good place because they do things the wives want done that their BHs don't have time to do or can't.
> 
> How does your WW feel about you now, do you feel real love from her or just more lies about how she values you to keep her life intact?


I feel love, that's why its not that easy to leave. I feel so much more love since she confessed.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Gabriel said:


> I have no idea how one gets past this. Here's why I say it.
> 
> She is the trigger for you. Staying with her, that will never go away. If you divorce, you will heal much faster - because she won't be with you anymore. Sure, you'll have some kid related stuff to deal with and she'll always be in your life because of that. But untethering from her will release you from much of this emotional burden.
> 
> Having an affair of this magnitude is really not recoverable, I'm afraid. Especially seeing your pain.
> 
> Oh, and BTW, this "abuse" angle is something that may have been true 6 months, 9 months in. But abuse had absolutely nothing to do with why the affair began, or probably at all for the first few months. She WILLINGLY crossed that line. So take away all the abuse claims etc and realize this happened willingly. She just couldn't get out of it. Her fault for putting herself in this position in the first place.


This is exactly my biggest concern. I am giving it some time, but she knows that if I feel like this after 1 to 2 years, then we will have no choice but to split. My therapist told me that if it's possible to reconcile that it normally takes a few years.


----------



## jonty30

Loveisblindness said:


> This is exactly my biggest concern. I am giving it some time, but she knows that if I feel like this after 1 to 2 years, then we will have no choice but to split. My therapist told me that if it's possible to reconcile that it normally takes a few years.


I've read it usually takes 5 years before the relationship can really heal. 

It takes two years just to become trustworthy enough to relax.


----------



## AGoodFlogging

Loveisblindness said:


> This is exactly my biggest concern. I am giving it some time, but she knows that if I feel like this after 1 to 2 years, then we will have no choice but to split. My therapist told me that if it's possible to reconcile that it normally takes a few years.


I do hope that your therapist also told you that this is only possible if the individual who has harmed you truly makes amends and accepts, fully, their fault. From what you've said your wife has not got there with accepting her fault fully.


----------



## Gabriel

Loveisblindness said:


> This is exactly my biggest concern. I am giving it some time, but she knows that if I feel like this after 1 to 2 years, then we will have no choice but to split. My therapist told me that if it's possible to reconcile that it normally takes a few years.


If you are lucky, it'll take 3-5 years. At a certain age, I wouldn't wait around for that.

Also, the severity of the crime here is just extreme. You may never get there. In your shoes, I would cut my losses without even thinking about it.

Do not believe her sob story. She chose to cheat.


----------



## notmyjamie

Loveisblindness said:


> Since she was manipulated and taken advantage of by a person she trusted she compares it to a pedophile. Se claims even though she was in her late 30's she had never dated since we met so young and had no experience with love bombing players. She keeps asking me if she got raped, would I question everything she did to get to a vulnerable point. I agree that she is not safe since she is vulnerable. She is in IC to try and understand how this happened to her and to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I am 100% certain that she wasn't sexually attracted to this man when she met him. It's just impossible. She also assures me that nothing has happened with anybody else in the last 10 years.


I find this ironic. It’s pretty damn manipulative to ask you what you’d do if she were raped. She was NOT raped. She gave herself to this man freely. He may have love bombed her but she was right there eating it up. If every woman who puts out after a little love bombing cries rape, prisons will be overloaded.

She takes no responsibility for her actions, blames it all on him and tries to manipulate you into thinking she’s a victim. She’s just another idiot woman who fell for some attention and compliments and gave no regard to the man she married. Nothing special there, move along.

ETA: I got divorced in my 50’s…I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Because standing alone is actually better than standing next to the person who is supposed to love you (your spouse) and doesn’t. And divorce doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever.


----------



## ConanHub

Good grief!

This woman is too stupid to be married.

Seriously?

OP, don't be a sucker.


----------



## blackclover3

I've read many stories and met so many who their spouses betrayed them, same age as you, and found real love after they split. a real person. 
you are just used to her being around. 30+ years and you are not only thinking about the good times not the bad times. 
you are successful man, it is easy for you to move on vs someone who is broke. 

leave and find yourself, travel, meet new people. you are kids are older not young anymore. 

50s where the fun begins, the world is your. focus on being more successful, meet some true people who loves for who you are. 

is she even jealous or mad because you cheated on her? if she is not, then you know she is in this marriage still for the money and lifestyle and not you. and if something happen to you today, she will easily play the victim or loneliness sound track and move on. 

what do you friends and family say about her?


----------



## ABHale

Why would you give a woman, who has taken so much from you, any more time?

Therapist - Give it time to make your decision. In other words, waste more time with someone that cheated on you for half your relationship, until you feel why leave now. There probably isn’t anyone better. At least, now that her lover is dead, she is showing me love that she hasn’t done for over half our relationship.


----------



## re16

There couldn't be greater grounds for a divorce than the situation you are in. The only reason you would continue this is a lack of self worth / self respect.

You have a lot of life yet to live, don't give any of it to someone who doesn't truly care about you at all. She is a surface show out to protect her best interests and that is all.


----------



## Asterix

First of all, I'm not sure if the therapist has your best interests at heart, because the s/he is telling you to "give it some time". I think you've given it plenty of time. Giving it some time may mean that you'll be seeing the therapist more often and over a longer period of time. Ka-ching!

Remember, we only have one life to live. I understand that people believe in the possibility of multiple lives, but for the sake of this discussion, let's just focus on this one. Since you have only one life to live and one life to enjoy, do you envision yourself to be able to do that with your wife in you life?

The problem is that your wife is the crux of the problem here and ALL OF THE PROBLEMS stem from that. Think of it this way. Your wife stays around like splinter under your skin. That splinter is always going to rub and burn under your skin and is going to drive you insane unless you don't take it out. 

I understand that you guys have been together for a long period of time and your lives are significantly intertwined together. So, it may take some time to separate it out. But it won't get separated UNLESS you start the process. 

It is time for you to take a step back and think about what you REALLY want out of your life. How do you envision your life? What steps do you need to take to achieve that goal?

Without knowing too much about her apart from what you've written here, I think she is a leech that is using the social norms and the familial connections to take advantage of you. A marriage should be a symbiotic relationship. In a marriage the partners should lift each other up. It looks like yours is a parasitic relationship that is sucking the lifeblood out of you. But HEY, you know her better and all of us here could be totally wrong. 

On a different note, do you have a close friend/confidant that you can discuss all these issues with? Or are you keeping all her activities and history a secret from others? 



Loveisblindness said:


> I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling.





Loveisblindness said:


> During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce.


Again and again, I seem to gravitate back to this paragraph that you wrote. If I remember it correctly, she treated you poorly and starved you of physical affection. Also, she was okay with deciding on getting a divorce. They why is it not okay that you are now choosing to do so?

There are a lot of things here that are not making sense to me. Please understand that we are all perfect strangers here. So, please feel free to elaborate while keeping the identifying details aside. It'll only help us help you better.


----------



## Asterix

@Loveisblindness , how are you doing? how are you holding up?

- concerned anonymous internet stranger


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Loveisblindness said:


> This is exactly my biggest concern. I am giving it some time, but she knows that if I feel like this after 1 to 2 years, then we will have no choice but to split. My therapist told me that if it's possible to reconcile that it normally takes a few years.


Time is the most precious commodity we have in our lives and it keeps on running out, the "love" or a treacherous spouse, is not really a commodity at all. Most of us actually won't actually waste our time on that kind of love since it comes from a poisoned well and is noxious to the system.

I don't see an upside to wasting another year or two on her in hopes that you can at least be okay with the damaged marriage you have. Actually it's not a damaged marriage, it's been totaled.

If you had a car and it's been driven into a tree because the steering suddenly broke at speed, the cost of fixing it far outweighs the cost of a new one by 400% or more, wouldn't you rather get that new car, even if you loved the old one. You know there are better, faster, more economical, more streamlined models coming out every day. Chances are you'd grow to love the new one far more than you did the old one and the factory fault that was in the steering of the old one is not present here.


----------



## Davit Bek

@Loveisblindness Personally, I have made a decision that if there is ever any infidelity, I will not be there long enough to listen to the reasons. Even if it means tolerating a tremendous amount of pain on the short term (which could be a while). If I were you, I would first find all the legal (or even illegal but not traceable) ways to keep as much of my financial resources as possible. Then I'd get a divorce and look for the most suitable partner I could find. Keep in mind that in dating world, a man with resources has a tremendous value. For women, youth and beauty is what is valuable. You're doing great. She isn't. She will not be respected if it ever comes out what lead to the destruction of her marriage. On the other hand, you'd get the control of your life back and won't feel like a chump who lost his wife to a 70 year old garbage. I wouldn't be able to respect myself if I stayed. Leaving a rotten marriage, specially when it's hard, takes courage and exercising that courage alone will make you feel like the winner you always were.


----------



## Loveisblindness

Asterix said:


> @Loveisblindness , how are you doing? how are you holding up?
> 
> - concerned anonymous internet stranger


Struggle every day. Life has been literally hell. Feel lost.


----------



## Asterix

Loveisblindness said:


> Struggle every day. Life has been literally hell. Feel lost.


How can we help you find the way back to sanity?


----------



## MattMatt

ABHale said:


> Why would you give a woman, who has taken so much from you, any more time?
> 
> Therapist - Give it time to make your decision. In other words, waste more time with someone that cheated on you for half your relationship, until you feel why leave now. There probably isn’t anyone better. At least, now that her lover is dead, she is showing me love that she hasn’t done for over half our relationship.


The therapist has heard all of what @Loveisblindness has told them, so the therapist is aware of more than we can be aware of.


----------



## Davit Bek

@Loveisblindness We often suffer more in imagination than in reality. While ending your marriage will be painful, if you cope with the ending in healthy ways, it will be less painful than you think.

You can either stay and suffer, or leave and suffer a lot less and know that you have kept your dignity, manhood and that you haven't allowed someone violate your integrity.

Then after you heal a little and are in a less chaotic and emotional state, you can decide to pursue a different partner, or a different relationship but with the same past partner (i.e your current wife). My hope is the pain that the divorce will bring to her, will help her grow into someone with more wisdom, and less selfishness. 

Regardless, what is clear to me is that this relationship is over and brings you nothing but suffering. I truly wish you the best and always remember you're the same winner that created a great life for his family.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

@Loveisblindness , how are you doing? Yours is one of the worst betrayals I have heard of. Wondering how you're holding up?


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> Thank you for the long post. I appreciate your input and the time you took to read my post and write the reply above. I want to address some of the points that you made above.
> 1.
> 
> Not too much dialog with the kids. They are all adults now and married so they don't want to take sides. The oldest child did rip into her a bit for allowing this to happen.


Sorry but By not taking sides In this means they are taking sides. Her cheating is ok with them.


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> She hasn't cheated for the last 10 years, unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating. I have built my whole life with her in it. Friends and family. I still love her, but am starting to question that.


You love a fantasy. Sorry but there are no excuses. You can stay in this or not. You do have a choice. Just like she had.


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> Of course I'm pissed. I'm furious, but things weren't that bad before I found out. She seems very remorseful for what happened. Now that she knows I may leave, I think it's finally hitting her how good her life is and she doesn't want to lose it all. She can't explain the picture, other than it may have been a way for her to try and resolve what happened. She also had a picture of her father right next to him. I think she forgave both of them and tried to see them as good people.


Probably just regrets getting caught. There is a huge difference.


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> She would just file for divorce if I cut her off of all cash and left. That would also turn my kids against me. Unless I wire the money out of the country to someplace that she can't get to and move there, it doesn't work.


So the kids are really siding with her and you don’t matter?


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> Things are horrible. She went to my condo for a couple of weeks to visit one of my children. Back now. Can't seem to enjoy anything in my life. Threw myself into work for a while, but that was just an escape. IC seems useless. I get paid lots of money to solve people's problems and am decent at it, but somehow I can't begin to solve my own. Never been this way my entire life. Can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Therapist keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. Guess I don't have much choice. Totally shattered!


Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short. It maybe just what you need.
Most have trouble making a decision period. Not uncommon. You do have a choice. It maybe a good idea to put it down on paper. Pros and cons.


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> Fair point, but our lives our very entangled with each other's friends and family. Very hard to throw that out the window. Takes a very long time to re-create. How many folks that get divorced in their late 50s are happy? Not many I know.


She had no trouble throwing it all away though did she?


----------



## Marc878

Loveisblindness said:


> Fair point. But all I'm saying is that I'm not making a decision today. My therapist told me that was the best thing to do. Try and take it one day at a time. I can make the decision when I am not so traumatized.


That’s true but you are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo. No one else has that power over you.


----------



## A18S37K14H18

sideways said:


> I don't think you're grasping the magnitude of her having a large framed picture of this guy on her desk and having it there (for you to see) years after this guy passed away??
> 
> And you're now saying, "unless you consider keeping his photo as some form of cheating"??
> 
> This picture sums up EVERYTHING!!
> 
> It shows that your lying cheating wife is full of $hit and that she was NEVER manipulated or abused or controlled or tricked into anything.
> 
> She WANTED this guy and the reason the picture was on her desk after he passed away was to remind her of all the good times she had with this guy. If it was SO horrible why have a picture to look at to remind her of all these horrible things he did to her (for years)????
> 
> My friend you need to WAKE THE F UP and see that this woman that you call your wife not only SCREWED you over and BETRAYED you for yrs but now she's playing you for the biggest F'n FOOL who's got you buying into the biggest lame @$$ fairytale and dude you're BELIEVING IT for crying out loud!!
> 
> I mean come on!!
> 
> Now you're saying she also stopped giving you oral when this guy came into the picture??
> 
> She's got your head so twisted you don't know your head from your @$$. "She's been faithful the past ten years"??
> 
> If this old geezer was still Alive what do you think would be going on?
> 
> I don't want to be mean but if you're really buying all of this nonsense maybe you are a fool??
> 
> This is just me but I don't see how you can even look at her let alone think about touching her.
> 
> That you're also having a hard time deciding what to do?
> 
> Your wife is NOT sorry for any of this and she certainly is NOT someone who's worthy of offering the gift of reconciliation.
> 
> Remorse?
> How can she be feeling this way when she sees you as the fool who's buying her lame @$$ story.
> 
> The thing that boggles my mind is how can you know all of this and NOT be PISSED OFF!!



OP,

You really need to read what Sideways wrote again.

Your wife, by having and keeping that photo of her lover after he died is her ADMITTING that she wasn't abused by him.

If he abused her, she'd want nothing to do with him, that photo would be long gone.

Here's the thing, though. You KNOW this too. You're not stupid, you're not young, a kid who doesn't know any better.

I don't get what you want since you KNOW this.

You've put your head in the sand. You've swept under the rug.

There is nothing you may say to me about why you didn't smash that photo and then burn the picture of him long ago.

You've chosen not to address basically any of this for all these years.

Yes, you should be livid with your wife, then and now but you should also be angry with yourself.

You have NOT dealt with reality regarding any of this and that is on you. Your wife's affair was on her, 100%. You not dealing with it properly is on you though.

She had her cake and you've allowed her to lie to you even after he died and you've allowed her defile you by her keeping that photo. It proves her dam n excuse of being abused is a lie.

I sincerely hope you do not choose to live like this the rest of your life OP.


----------



## wmn1

OP said this 

"I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused."

His wife may have come clean but that is only worth brownies and a cup of milk.

This is one of the worst affairs I have read on here and she did it with a guy older than her dad. 

She doesn't suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. She is gaslighting you in an effort to make you keep her. Could you imagine if this contractor was 40 when she started going out with him ? It would still be going on. I am not sure how OP missed the clues.

I am not saying this guy didn't put the squeeze on her but there were other ways out, maybe like a lawsuit or letting you know what was going on. She did enough to be 'consenting' and this guy would face no legal trouble other than civil sanctions if he was still alive.

That's my first impression. I am just starting this thread. I will read the whole thing and comment later


----------



## A18S37K14H18

wmn1 said:


> I am not sure how OP missed the clues.


After that long, I honestly don't think he missed the clues. He isn't some young kid who didn't know any better and he's not stupid.

He's still doing and acting the same way now all these years later. He KNOWS, he just isn't doing anything about it now just like he didn't back then.

I get he missed them early on and for a while, but not for that many years.


----------



## wmn1

MJJEAN said:


> So, now we have you cheated multiple times and your wife cheated at least once. Why bother? Let it go. You clearly both want to stay married, so just let it go and turn a blind eye.


not buying this. She screwed the contractor multiple times a week for 5 years. That is not cheating once.

OP had a few one night stands.

I get they both cheated but at least to me, there are degrees of cheating and what she did was a long term affair in the OP's house with some obvious feelings to boot. If in 25 years as I am aging, if I found out my wife had 3 one night stands, I would be crushed and consider everything to be a lie. However, if she had an affair with a friend of mine for 7 years, I would have her in court fasted than stink on $hit and would probably never recover


----------



## wmn1

A18S37K14H18 said:


> After that long, I honestly don't think he missed the clues. He isn't some young kid who didn't know any better and he's not stupid.
> 
> He's still doing and acting the same way now all these years later. He KNOWS, he just isn't doing anything about it now just like he didn't back then.
> 
> I get he missed them early on and for a while, but not for that many years.


perhaps you are right. Missed them early, blind trust afterwards or denial


----------



## wmn1

Asterix said:


> I was not sure if I got the details correctly so I went back and read the original post a couple of times. What I read is mind boggling to say the least. My reply may come across as being angry, but please believe me, I'm being angry FOR you and NOT AT you. I think you are being too logical and cerebral about this situation and not being angry enough.
> 
> Brace yourself. I have a feeling that this post is going to be a long one.
> 
> There are many facets to this situation which are just very wrong. There's the marital aspect, parental aspect and the social aspect.
> 
> 1. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. So, in other words they were having sex with each other for multiple times a week for at least over five years? I wouldn't be surprised if you come back and say that she had sex with him more times, more fun and more often than with you.
> 
> So, if he did not have to deal with his ED problems this most likely the sexual aspect of the affair would most likely have gone on for much longer. The sexual aspect stopped because he couldn't perform. It DID NOT stop because she wanted it to stop. So, all that she's saying about "it didn't feeling right after the nine month point" or any other things that she said was to downplay the severity of her actions and decisions during this affair.
> 
> 2. I think this point here is a big one as well although people have a tendency to ignore this. Usually within an affair the people tend to do more sexually for their affair partner than what they do for their marital partner since the marital partner is already in the bag. So, the question is what did she do for him that she did not do for you? This behavior is quite common, so much so that there's a long thread here on TAM about this. you did it for other men, but not me?
> 
> 3. There's another aspect to this as well which is psychological in its nature. By the vary nature of his profession, he is a working class man. I may be taking a leap here but with a 6000 sq ft. mansion, range rovers and luxury vacations, you don't really come across as a working class person. You guys were both from different socio-economical stratas. So, in his mind by sleeping with your wife he was in a way "sticking it to the man". And you were "the man" because you were literally signing his paychecks for his work. So he may have wanted to stick it to the man more by making the man's wife do things that were somewhat (or outright) degrading to her. Due to the situation, he had a power over her so it is very likely that he was able to ask her to do those things for him. This is especially apparent when she mentioned that he continually bashed you while making himself out to be the hero. Did you ask her where did they have sex? And where did they have sex in your house? Did they have sex in your marital bed? I'll bet you a $1 that they did and also many times over.
> 
> 4. Her hostility towards you and that she treated you very poorly during this period and you most definitely did not deserve poor treatment from her. Also, in her words she dropped the idea of divorce because she really wanted to have the 6000 sq ft mansion, range rover and the luxurious vacations. She didn't really care for what you would have wanted. This shows her complete and utter disrespect and disregard towards you and your well being. There's the big issue of her lying to your face for every single day for the better part of two decades to hide her extra-marital activities. It does not sound like she respected you enough to think that you deserved the truth.
> 
> 5. She most definitely did not consider your psychological well being and of course she also did not consider your physical well being either. The contractor could have been going out and hooking up with truckstop hookers while he wasn't sleeping with your wife and could have gotten uncurable STIs and could have passed it to you. Had she given any thought to that? Also, I am curious to know that during these five years, how many times did they really discuss using condoms and how many times did they actually use condoms?
> 
> "She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault." I think she needs to take complete responsibility for her actions. Almost always, a woman controls the sexual aspect of a relationship. The affair would never have turned sexual if she didn't want it. It was in his best interests to keep the affair going so he applied pressure on her, but she did not stand up for herself. She could have taken an extended vacation away from your place and started with other activities where she's not at home and away from him. She could have contacted him only over the phones. There were many possible options. Not sure if she was not smart enough to have thought of all that. As humans, once sufficiently motivated we usually find ways to do what we need to do. I don't think she felt motivated enough or compelled enough to break it off.
> 
> How was she planning on keeping this affair a secret. Did she ever give it some serious though about how this affair would affect you? How this affair would affect your kids? This effectively makes her a poor wife and a poor mother. This stigma and the resulting fallout is something that the family is going to have to endure for a really long time to come. He may have pressured her when she tried to break it off, but till that time she was a willing participant in all this. I assume that she did go to school and has some critical thinking ability, because she's describing herself to be a poor damsel who was taken advantage off and that she had no say in that matter, which I think is far from the truth. Yes, she was manipulated up to a certain extent but she could have broke it off and came clean to you at any point in time.
> 
> It sounds like your wife did some "online research" since the affair ended. She tried to find a solution that could explain away the problem and garner some sympathy during the process. It didn't really matter whether the explanation is the right explanation for her affair. It's just one of many explanations which may or may not apply. This is me being judgmental, but I think it is despicable of her to try to equate her situation with that of women who are traffic'ed for sex. The women do not have a choice or say in the matter. In a lot of cases they were beaten, starved and their agency is taken away from them. This was definitely not the situation in your wife's case. This reminds me of the pictures that the "social influencers" take of themselves of "helping people with their problems" and then walking away after the pictures are taken without doing anything about the actual problem. I think such "social influencers" are bad for what they do and that your wife is worse by an order of magnitude for equating her situation with the plight of women who were trafficed.
> 
> She mentioned that "She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know." But she got to know him better as time went on, since they've interacted very closely with each other for the better part of 7-8 years. So, I think this excuse/explanation sounds flimsy at best or patronizing at worst.
> 
> "She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it." I don't know what her goal is for mentioning that. I don't even know if it matters at all if she had any affairs before or after. Since this one affair was egregious enough. To elaborate this with a strawman, This is kinda like saying "I didn't slap you or spit in your face before or after I shot you in the head".
> 
> You mentioned that sexually she was always distant since the time the AP showed up. So, in a way she "starved" you of sexual intimacy during your sexual prime years. So, that's the reward you get for staying faithful to this woman.
> 
> All this shows me she's a very selfish, callus and self-serving person who has very little regard towards your well being.
> 
> It's been about three months since you found out about her affair in early June of 2021. So, I'm assuming that you guys have discussed her behavior during the affair for the past three months. I hope that with my post above I've given you at least a few additional points of view that you may not have considered before.
> 
> I did mention the possible disparity in thinking between AP and you earlier due to the different financial backgrounds. FWIW, you and I are in a more-or-less similar socio-economical strata ( unless if you have that 6000sq ft mansion located in the upper east side of NY). I'm mentioning this because I don't want you to think that I'm enjoying the situation(schadenfreude) that you are in. I assure you I most certainly am not. I do feel your pain and hurt and I also feel sadness for the situation that you are in. I'm sorry that she lied to you for more than half of your marriage.
> 
> So the question is what would you want to do? I don't know where you are but it sounds like you may end up losing the shirt off your back if you divorce her for something that she did. So, I honestly don't quite know what I'd suggest. I'm not a vindictive person, but in this situation, I'd bring on extra heaping scoop of vindictiveness with a side order of pettiness to make the rest of her life miserable as much as she made yours for the last 16 years at least.
> 
> This is one of the worst kind of situations I've read and believe me, I've read many and that truly makes me sad.
> 
> What saddens me even more is the last line in your post "Love is blindness". I mean, she treated you like trash for a long time, denied you sexual pleasure for a really long time and you still feel love towards her? You do not have a committed wife. She's acting "committed" because she has very few other options at this point. Every time you think "love is blindness", I'd urge you to consider the possibility that it was a big FU from her towards you to have a large photo of this man on her desk for the better part of a decade (or more). I think she thought that whatever she did is now somehow okay because you slept with escorts and now she is being the big person for forgiving you.



This post is absolutely one of the best I have ever read on TAM. 

You are Babe Ruth, Asterix


----------



## wmn1

MattMatt said:


> @Loveisblindness Your wife may have something in her makeup that caused her to tend toward gerontophilia, a desire to have sexual relations with the elderly.
> 
> If this is a sexual preference she has, she might decide to cheat again with another older man. Trusting her would be a bridge too far, to coin an expression.
> 
> I'm sorry, but divorce seems a safe and sensible option.


Dam Matt, I never have even heard of that term.

Your brilliance is astounding. Gerontophilia ? I have to do some reading on that one because it sure is a sickness


----------



## wmn1

MJJEAN said:


> So, while you were building your life around her she was keeping a candle burning for her lover. Yeah, she's a prize!
> 
> She hasn't cheated in the last decade THAT YOU KNOW OF. Either she didn't cheat because she hasn't found anyone she wanted, doesn't want to be unfaithful to her lover's memory, or she did cheat and you haven't discovered it, so she's keeping it to herself.
> 
> If any part of you believes she wasn't willing and a full participant you are delusional and a fool or your wife is an absolute idiot incapable of tying her own shoes. Pick one.
> 
> 
> Education and intelligence are often strangers to each other. Either she's so functionally stupid she is incapable of recognizing a man's sexual interest and nipping it in the bud or she knew exactly what she was doing. You can't seriously believe a grown ass married adult was "abused" by her lover for 7 years. That's just....a fairy story told to those who are gullible enough to maybe believe it. She's had guys hitting on and trying to get her naked subtly and overtly since her tits came in. She knew damn well what was going on.


great response. I agree completely


----------



## wmn1

Asterix said:


> Thank you for your reply to my post. Yes, it took me quite a while to type all that out. I realized it after the fact though. I hope that the time spent was fruitful and you got at least some additional thought points while you are pondering the state of your marriage.
> 
> I noticed that there were many red flags sticking out in your post. The first red flag I saw when I read your post was your username. Even after all that she put you through if you still thought that love is blindness or that still have love for her, then I'd say that you are a better religious/spiritual person than me. A lot of the religions teach people to "turn their other cheek" and unfortunately am just not wired that way. The other flag that I noticed is that you probably do not know the difference between regret and remorse. Because you seem to use the word "remorse" a lot when I think what you actually mean is "regret".
> 
> I may be totally wrong here, but I noticed that some of the issues that I pointed out either were overlooked or were just lost in that wall of text. I was trying to be circumspect because when people make posts here in this forum, they are usually in a fragile state of mind and feel utterly alone with no one to talk to. The solid life and foundation that they thought they had built had come crashing down on them and usually feel very overwhelmed. So, it doesn't help in pointing out the reality of the situation in a direct manner, because there's the risk of the person shutting down.
> 
> So, please know that even when people are using strong language to point out the glaring issues (according to them) in your relationship, they are still trying to help you. Think of it this way - They don't know you in person, so they don't have anything against you. So, the motivation is to help out a fellow traveler on her or his journey who has the misfortune to have to walk on this road.
> 
> I'll try to be direct and will keep this short so that the points are not lost in the wall of words.
> 
> 1. First and foremost please know THIS: you do not know the full story and she's still lying to you by omission or trickling out the truth. It is imperative for her understand that the path to healing and recovery won't begin till the last lie has been told. That may sound dramatic, but the fact is a person needs to know what exactly s/he is forgiving. So, down the road if some other aspect comes out that was previously not known, then it can potentially wipe out all the work and recovery that you've made till that point. You NEED to emphasize the importance of this point to her.
> 
> 2. I think your wife at this point grasping at the straws to do whatever she can to appease you. She has known you for a really long time so she knows where you buttons are. So she's trying to pull at the heartstrings to make herself out to be a victim. So Please please please, ask her to re-evaluate her statement that "the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to 1ncest or ped0fiia." By equating her situation to that she's in a way taking agency away from the actual victims and reducing the credibility. Women like her make it difficult for the actual victims because their credibility has been chipped away by people like your wife. Just for this reason alone I think what your wife is doing is despicable.
> 
> 3. You now do not have a committed wife. She's now doing what she should have been doing for the WHOLE duration of your marriage. She's doing that because she now has very limited options. For example, Me eating gruel because that's the only thing on the menu is different than me eating the same gruel while at The Buffet at Bellagio. (if you haven't, you gotta check it out at least once). Hopefully you get my point….Hopefully.
> 
> You mentioned that your kids know now. I'm not sure the extent of what they know at this point. Based on your posts, My feeling is that you may have told them about a fraction of what you know. You are hoping to protect her image/honor, but trust me that ship has sailed long ago. Do they know how long the affair went on for? Did they see you the way she treated you while she was cheating on you? Did she suckered them into believing that she was being abused?
> 
> You also mentioned that She desperately wants to keep her social image intact. By keeping this cheating quiet, she's hoping to keep her social image intact. If I were you, I'd blow that out wide open. I'm not talking about telling Joe Shmoe from two towns over who happen to be standing in a line in front of you at the grocery store. I'm talking about all your and her family and friends.* THE MORE people know about this, the bigger your support structure will be.* This will also show you the true nature of all you other relationships. You'll know who genuinely cares about you, you'll likely know who the backstabber is, you'll also find out who takes pleasure in your fall. Based on how the people defend your wife, you may even get a sense of who has the mindset for an affair. And this is A-OK. This may shrink your friends and family circle quite a bit but whatever is left of it is going to be "purer and stronger" (for the lack of better words to describe this). Also remember, if you stay quiet then the cheaters win. This is also beneficial for other reason. Things change once a person starts accruing some money to the point that it becomes conspicuous and obvious. When this happens, it's difficult to differentiate if your friends are there for the lavish gifts or the vacations that you take them to or they are there really for you. At this point, hopefully you know in which camp your wife belongs to (in case if it's unclear, she likes the house, car and the vacations and she didn't even need to put out much).
> 
> I understand her need to avoid shame and embarrassment so, she may desperately want to keep her cheating quiet and sweep it under the rug. Because obviously it is in her best interests. AND JUST LIKE MANY OTHER THINGS in your marriage over the years, what's in her best interests is detrimental to your interests for the reasons stated above. Detrimental because you won't have a support structure to get you through. Understandably your kids are acting like Switzerland, so they may not be available for support and it may not be appropriate anyway. So, please talk to your friends and family to get advice or just to vent. It'll help you feel better.
> 
> So there you go: Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone's got one and you've seen mine (opinion that is). Please know that all we can do is to give you (or show you) our opinions. Ultimately, It's really up to you how you want to handle the situation. I'm sorry that you've been fed this sh1t sandwich for all these years.
> 
> I haven't mentioned anything about her behavior and actions as you've described. I'll create another post for that. I don't want to have the points above in a large wall of texts. So, I think multiple smaller walls of text may help


Home run #2. You have to post here much more often


----------



## wmn1

Loveisblindness said:


> We are actually in the process of building a new home in a new state when D-Day occurred. She is definitely moving to the new house. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet.


why does she deserve the new house ? WTF


----------



## wmn1

manowar said:


> Watch this video amigo. especially from 8.09min+. watch this guy's other videos. You need to be reeducated. your wiring has been crossed up for a long time.


 great video. Spot on !!


----------



## wmn1

Loveisblindness said:


> I'll give her a few more weeks. Yes she deals with PTSD.


I like the fact that you kept coming back in the face of the hits.

You are clearly a class dude


----------



## wmn1

Taxman said:


> I was involved with a matter of this nature. Long term affair that came to light at its end. WW had kept both for nearly 20 years. When it came out, she told her husband that she was now his. He took a week. Assessed the inventory, and told her that she was in her fifties, no longer attractive and overweight. I don’t want APs sloppy seconds. He told her that her confession was great as it abrogated spousal support. He left her the house, as he wanted nothing to do with it. He told their children. She maintained that she was in the affair because she didn’t know how to end it. Her husband basically did not care. He said that her AP got the best of her, and he did not. At 55 he found himself a 40 year old stunner. His exWW began anti depressants. He remarried and his ex admitted that the double life cost her a good life in her old age. She does not attend family affairs as he is there with his wife, that never betrayed him that loves him without going to sleep with another man.she would date but men like her ex are very few.


wow what a gift. She was 'finally' his. I always love the 'I didn't know how to end it' line because it never should have started in the first place.

You wonder how many of these things happen.

Your post is great, Taxman, because it hits the nail on the head regarding this thread. Hopefully OP listens


----------



## wmn1

Dictum Veritas said:


> Time is the most precious commodity we have in our lives and it keeps on running out, the "love" or a treacherous spouse, is not really a commodity at all. Most of us actually won't actually waste our time on that kind of love since it comes from a poisoned well and is noxious to the system.
> 
> I don't see an upside to wasting another year or two on her in hopes that you can at least be okay with the damaged marriage you have. Actually it's not a damaged marriage, it's been totaled.
> 
> If you had a car and it's been driven into a tree because the steering suddenly broke at speed, the cost of fixing it far outweighs the cost of a new one by 400% or more, wouldn't you rather get that new car, even if you loved the old one. You know there are better, faster, more economical, more streamlined models coming out every day. Chances are you'd grow to love the new one far more than you did the old one and the factory fault that was in the steering of the old one is not present here.


great analogy


----------



## Taxman

One of my questions to spouses leaning toward reconciliation is one of self-assessment. I want to know if they are going back into an injured marriage for reasons other than love. If it is for any other reason, be it financial, or the kids, or appearances, or an unwillingness to hurt the wayward partner, I will provide the counter-point. (Which is one of the myriad reasons why I am not taking these any longer) It annoys me to see someone who is a glutton for punishment. Those that do go back? I am up front, and will request a fair number of undertakings. I have been told that my actions are punitive against the wayward spouse. I have been told I am mean. I am there to defend my client to the nth degree. I will do so. If I so much as smell abuse, I will stop proceedings immediately, withdraw my client from negotiations, and re-schedule after I have had a dirty word or two with my client. Yes, I get overridden by the attorneys, but nine times out of ten, the attorney and I work out a strategy that will safeguard our person.


----------



## A18S37K14H18

Taxman said:


> I want to know if they are going back into an injured marriage for reasons other than love. If it is for any other reason, be it financial, or the kids, or appearances, or an unwillingness to hurt the wayward partner, I will provide the counter-point.



This 100%. A-freaking-men.

I say a lot that folks should only stay in a relationship for the right reasons. Children aren't the right reason. Money isn't the right reason.

So many say they can't or don't want to leave for reasons, but none of those reasons are actually worth it or good enough.

I'm not only talking about relationships with infidelity, but those without infidelity. Many say they'd like to divorce their partner, but they can't leave due to the kids, due to having 15 or 20 years in the relationship and on and on.

People justify things to themselves all the time sadly.

The relationship is either right and worth staying in, or it isn't. If isn't, fix it or get out.

Sadly, so many stay for other reasons when they know the relationship isn't right.


----------



## calvin

Christ....and I thought my situation was a clusterfvck.
Whoah!!


----------



## TAMAT

calvin said:


> Christ....and I thought my situation was a clusterfvck.
> Whoah!!


Yea it reminds me of that quote from Tolstoy, *All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way *

Perhaps every affair is horrible in it's own way, although there is something especially horrible about one that goes on for years, or in some cases when even it's effects never go away, his WW keeping the guys picture for year and years is painful to think of.


----------



## Djani1979

Look,if you divorce now,you will be a single multimilionare in his best years,with large house and fansy cars,and with grown up kids,your life would be beautiful!!! All the woman who will throw themselves to you,all the freedom to do what ever you like,do you realise how great your life would be?? You could date many woman for some time utill you find a good person to spent your old age with. Just think about it.


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## calvin

Run to to the hills.
Run for your life.


----------



## Asterix

I think at this point @Loveisblindness is conspicuous by his absence.


----------



## cp3o

A18S37K14H18 said:


> The relationship is either right and worth staying in, or it isn't. If isn't, fix it or get out.


Probably very often true - but not always.

Far too simple to account for the myriad situations that infidelity exposes. 

For example - sometimes the least worst answer is to get out emotionally years before getting out physically.


----------



## A18S37K14H18

cp3o said:


> Probably very often true - but not always.
> 
> Far too simple to account for the myriad situations that infidelity exposes.
> 
> For example - sometimes the least worst answer is to get out emotionally years before getting out physically.


We'll have to agree to disagree.

If a relationship is NOT right, I'm not staying it, whether there was infidelity or not.

Far too many are unhappy, not in love, don't desire their partner but they won't divorce them... due to money, they're staying for the kids or some other bull shi t like that. Some like their lifestyle so they don't want to divorce their partner even though they're unhappy.

If the relationship isn't right, fix it or end it. Sadly so many don't do either of those, they don't fix it and they don't end. They remain together while being so unhappy... for reasons.

So many stay for the wrong reasons and it's sad.


----------



## cp3o

A18S37K14H18 said:


> We'll have to agree to disagree.
> 
> If a relationship is NOT right, I'm not staying it, whether there was infidelity or not.
> 
> Far too many are unhappy, not in love, don't desire their partner but they won't divorce them... due to money, they're staying for the kids or some other bull shi t like that. Some like their lifestyle so they don't want to divorce their partner even though they're unhappy.
> 
> If the relationship isn't right, fix it or end it. Sadly so many don't do either of those, they don't fix it and they don't end. They remain together while being so unhappy... for reasons.
> 
> So many stay for the wrong reasons and it's sad.


_"If a relationship is NOT right, I'm not staying it, whether there was infidelity or not."_
Irrespective of who may get damaged, physically and emotionally, perhaps terminally? Even if the answer for you is yes - there are people who feel unable to shirk what they see as their moral duty.

Your "_bull shi t_" (sic) description of what others may see as valid comes across as arrogant and somewhat desperate.

Perhaps you should be grateful that you have never had to face a situation where your pontification has been put to the test.


----------



## A18S37K14H18

cp3o said:


> Perhaps you should be grateful that you have never had to face a situation where your pontification has been put to the test.


Nice of you to assume I haven't. I have, multiple times and I've ended things each time.

I was a stay at home mom with 3 children, my first husband cheated and I divorced him even though I hadn't worked in years and years.

While dating after I was divorced, I communicated my deal breakers to men I was dating. A man lied to me and I ended the date right then and there not to mention are relationship.

When one cheats or lies to me, the relationship is no longer "right" and I'm out.

I won't stay just because I have kids and I won't stay just because I didn't have a job.

I won't allow others to treat me like crap, to walk over me etc. I would be setting a TERRIBLE example to my children if I were to do that. 

I haven't and I won't, ever.

I won't remain in a relationship if it isn't right, good, worth being in etc.

Sadly, many others do stay when they know things aren't right. It's their life and their choice of course.

From what you've written, it sounds like you've remained in a bad relationship that you wished you didn't have to stay in and yes I'm assuming, same as you did with me.


----------



## calvin

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Nice of you to assume I haven't. I have, multiple times and I've ended things each time.
> 
> I was a stay at home mom with 3 children, my first husband cheated and I divorced him even though I hadn't worked in years and years.
> 
> While dating after I was divorced, I communicated my deal breakers to men I was dating. A man lied to me and I ended the date right then and there not to mention are relationship.
> 
> When one cheats or lies to me, the relationship is no longer "right" and I'm out.
> 
> I won't stay just because I have kids and I won't stay just because I didn't have a job.
> 
> I won't allow others to treat me like crap, to walk over me etc. I would be setting a TERRIBLE example to my children if I were to do that.
> 
> I haven't and I won't, ever.
> 
> I won't remain in a relationship if it isn't right, good, worth being in etc.
> 
> Sadly, many others do stay when they know things aren't right. It's their life and their choice of course.
> 
> From what you've written, it sounds like you've remained in a bad relationship that you wished you didn't have to stay in and yes I'm assuming, same as you did with me.


You know the saying about assuming. 
Things are not always cut and dry.
The most of the time that is true.
Not always.


----------



## A18S37K14H18

calvin said:


> You know the saying about assuming.
> Things are not always cut and dry.
> The most of the time that is true.
> Not always.


You're right, for some people it isn't and for others it is that cut and dry.

I've never been one to waffle.

I know what my deal breakers are.

I have self-respect. I won't allow myself to be abused, lied to, cheated on etc.

To me (notice I said me, not everyone else), cheating is a deal breaker, period, end of story. It didn't matter that I had 3 children and that I hadn't worked in years and years and years. He cheated, it broke the deal and that was that.

Yes, it was that cut and dry. Why? I've always been that way. Long before him I knew cheating was a deal breaker.

Many say cheating is a deal breaker, but then when it happens to them, when they've been married a long time, have kids, then they say it isn't so cut and dried for them anymore.

I'm not that way. If cheating is a deal breaker for someone, then it breaks the deal.

Some folks say it is, but then their actions show it isn't.

Say what you mean and mean what you say is how I live my life. 

I realize I don't get to speak for others. They may live their lives however they see fit. Many don't leave when they're cheated on, when they're unhappy, when they're abused and it's their life and their choice of course.

They get to live their life and I get to choose to live my life.

Calvin, it IS cut and dry, if folks make it that way. Many CHOOSE for it NOT to be that cut and dry and that is their choice of course.

I don't understand folks who say cheating is a deal breaker for them and then when it happens to them, they don't leave. They aren't being true to themselves, they aren't saying what they mean and meaning what they say.

Again, just because I'd been married over a decade and a half and just because I had 3 children and just because I didn't work outside of the home didn't mean I was confused and I had to decide whether I would try to reconcile with my lying, cheating husband. I did not. It was game over right then when he cheated.

I REALLY wanted to spend my life with my husband, with one partner. One of my life goals was to be in my 70's, sitting on the front porch swing drinking lemonade with my husband while watching our grandchildren playing in the yard.

Alas, that wasn't to be and it was my husband's fault. I forgave him, but I've never forgotten.

I couldn't live with myself if I took a cheater back. It's not in my makeup, it never has been and it never will be.

But I KNEW that before marrying him. I knew what I'd do if he cheated. I never vacillated. All the years, us having three young children all under 10 years old and my not working didn't come close to making me think about staying with my cheating husband.

We had a nice home, nice things, vacations, I could do what I wanted, I was in groups, activities, on committees, I ran a lot, I ran marathons and other shorter races. I had the time to run, to train. My husband watched our kids while I ran, while I did my crafts, while I played bunco with neighborhood ladies, while I did things with my parents etc.

I had a nice life, I was blessed and yep, I gave that up in a heartbeat when my husband cheated. I had to go and get a job, give up my nice home, give up doing what I wanted each day due to having to get a job.

I didn't bat an eye. I could NOT live with myself had I taken my lying cheating husband back.

I honestly never even had one thought, for even one second of taking him back.

Why? Cheating was a deal breaker for me and he cheated, so we were done.

It was that black and white and that cut and dry, for ME.

I had a great life up to then. My husband coached little league, youth soccer, he and I co-taught children's bible classes at our church. My husband helped my parents out a ton. He did so much for me around the house, more than he should have. He bathed our 3 kids each night. He put them to bed with me each night, it took us about 30 minutes each night, reading stories, talking about their day, scratching their backs and saying prayers.

Why am I including all this? To let you know that in many ways I had a great a life. I always drove nice new cars. My husband drove used cars, cars that got him from A to B. I played in a bunco league with women in my neighborhood.

I knew I'd be giving ALL of that up by divorcing my lying cheating husband, but I never gave one thought about us trying to remain together after I found out he cheated.

It was hard, I had to do all the housework, I had to work, I was in an apartment, not my nice house. I had to do everything for my 3 children. I had to bath them each night as my husband had done that.

I had to take the trash out, get my car taken care of and all the other things I never had to do because my husband did them.

I've included these things to let you and others know that I had many things that folks might want to keep in their lives, I guess many try to reconcile for many of the reasons I had, but I couldn't do it and I'd never do it.

My budget changed drastically and I guess I could have chosen to reconcile, but I didn't value money or being on easy street, not when it meant I'd have to throw my values in the gutter in order to remain with my lying cheating husband.


Things are cut and dry, if that's what folks choose for them to be. I knew I was saying goodbye to a cushy life. We had to sell our time share condo, no more vacations to nice places while using our time share condo.

I'd call my first husband at his office and tell him to meet me at the doctors with the children, and he'd leave work to come and help me. Not after my divorce of course.

I gave all that up and more I'm not mentioning because he cheated. Because it was that cut and dry to me.

Other than his cheating, he was a nice man, a gentleman. He had manners, he played with the children, they would hide to "scare" him when he came home from the office each night. He camped with them, he played on the floor with them, he played hide and seek with them. He took them to his office as they loved to go there.

NONE of those things gave me even one pause to even think of reconciling after I found out he cheated on me.

I gladly gave up all the nice cushy things in my life for a much harder road because it was that cut and dry, to me.


----------



## cp3o

A18S37K14H18 said:


> You're right, for some people it isn't and for others it is that cut and dry.
> 
> ............................
> 
> I realize I don't get to speak for others.


Had you said these initially and not disrespected others whose circumstances you don't know (_bull shi t_) I would not have felt constrained to comment.


----------



## calvin

A18S37K14H18 said:


> You're right, for some people it isn't and for others it is that cut and dry.
> 
> I've never been one to waffle.
> 
> I know what my deal breakers are.
> 
> I have self-respect. I won't allow myself to be abused, lied to, cheated on etc.
> 
> To me (notice I said me, not everyone else), cheating is a deal breaker, period, end of story. It didn't matter that I had 3 children and that I hadn't worked in years and years and years. He cheated, it broke the deal and that was that.
> 
> Yes, it was that cut and dry. Why? I've always been that way. Long before him I knew cheating was a deal breaker.
> 
> Many say cheating is a deal breaker, but then when it happens to them, when they've been married a long time, have kids, then they say it isn't so cut and dried for them anymore.
> 
> I'm not that way. If cheating is a deal breaker for someone, then it breaks the deal.
> 
> Some folks say it is, but then their actions show it isn't.
> 
> Say what you mean and mean what you say is how I live my life.
> 
> I realize I don't get to speak for others. They may live their lives however they see fit. Many don't leave when they're cheated on, when they're unhappy, when they're abused and it's their life and their choice of course.
> 
> They get to live their life and I get to choose to live my life.
> 
> Calvin, it IS cut and dry, if folks make it that way. Many CHOOSE for it NOT to be that cut and dry and that is their choice of course.
> 
> I don't understand folks who say cheating is a deal breaker for them and then when it happens to them, they don't leave. They aren't being true to themselves, they aren't saying what they mean and meaning what they say.
> 
> Again, just because I'd been married over a decade and a half and just because I had 3 children and just because I didn't work outside of the home didn't mean I was confused and I had to decide whether I would try to reconcile with my lying, cheating husband. I did not. It was game over right then when he cheated.
> 
> I REALLY wanted to spend my life with my husband, with one partner. One of my life goals was to be in my 70's, sitting on the front porch swing drinking lemonade with my husband while watching our grandchildren playing in the yard.
> 
> Alas, that wasn't to be and it was my husband's fault. I forgave him, but I've never forgotten.
> 
> I couldn't live with myself if I took a cheater back. It's not in my makeup, it never has been and it never will be.
> 
> But I KNEW that before marrying him. I knew what I'd do if he cheated. I never vacillated. All the years, us having three young children all under 10 years old and my not working didn't come close to making me think about staying with my cheating husband.
> 
> We had a nice home, nice things, vacations, I could do what I wanted, I was in groups, activities, on committees, I ran a lot, I ran marathons and other shorter races. I had the time to run, to train. My husband watched our kids while I ran, while I did my crafts, while I played bunco with neighborhood ladies, while I did things with my parents etc.
> 
> I had a nice life, I was blessed and yep, I gave that up in a heartbeat when my husband cheated. I had to go and get a job, give up my nice home, give up doing what I wanted each day due to having to get a job.
> 
> I didn't bat an eye. I could NOT live with myself had I taken my lying cheating husband back.
> 
> I honestly never even had one thought, for even one second of taking him back.
> 
> Why? Cheating was a deal breaker for me and he cheated, so we were done.
> 
> It was that black and white and that cut and dry, for ME.
> 
> I had a great life up to then. My husband coached little league, youth soccer, he and I co-taught children's bible classes at our church. My husband helped my parents out a ton. He did so much for me around the house, more than he should have. He bathed our 3 kids each night. He put them to bed with me each night, it took us about 30 minutes each night, reading stories, talking about their day, scratching their backs and saying prayers.
> 
> Why am I including all this? To let you know that in many ways I had a great a life. I always drove nice new cars. My husband drove used cars, cars that got him from A to B. I played in a bunco league with women in my neighborhood.
> 
> I knew I'd be giving ALL of that up by divorcing my lying cheating husband, but I never gave one thought about us trying to remain together after I found out he cheated.
> 
> It was hard, I had to do all the housework, I had to work, I was in an apartment, not my nice house. I had to do everything for my 3 children. I had to bath them each night as my husband had done that.
> 
> I had to take the trash out, get my car taken care of and all the other things I never had to do because my husband did them.
> 
> I've included these things to let you and others know that I had many things that folks might want to keep in their lives, I guess many try to reconcile for many of the reasons I had, but I couldn't do it and I'd never do it.
> 
> My budget changed drastically and I guess I could have chosen to reconcile, but I didn't value money or being on easy street, not when it meant I'd have to throw my values in the gutter in order to remain with my lying cheating husband.
> 
> 
> Things are cut and dry, if that's what folks choose for them to be. I knew I was saying goodbye to a cushy life. We had to sell our time share condo, no more vacations to nice places while using our time share condo.
> 
> I'd call my first husband at his office and tell him to meet me at the doctors with the children, and he'd leave work to come and help me. Not after my divorce of course.
> 
> I gave all that up and more I'm not mentioning because he cheated. Because it was that cut and dry to me.
> 
> Other than his cheating, he was a nice man, a gentleman. He had manners, he played with the children, they would hide to "scare" him when he came home from the office each night. He camped with them, he played on the floor with them, he played hide and seek with them. He took them to his office as they loved to go there.
> 
> NONE of those things gave me even one pause to even think of reconciling after I found out he cheated on me.
> 
> I gladly gave up all the nice cushy things in my life for a much harder road because it was that cut and dry, to me.


Oh my God you are hurting bad. 
I an so damn sorry.
I know the pain. 
I'm not done,I need to ****ing collect myself.
I'm sorry


----------



## calvin

cp3o said:


> Had you said these initially and not disrespected others whose circumstances you don't know (_bull shi t_) I would not have felt constrained to comment.


No disprect my Star Wars friend.
I didnt mean it any other way except to say ....ugh.
I've been through it.
But it was so out of the damn realm for me it ...was nuts. 
Far from a typical affair and I feel bad for her.
She is going through a lot, it sucks.
Bad.
I'm sorry.
I really am.


----------



## calvin

A18S37K14H18 said:


> You're right, for some people it isn't and for others it is that cut and dry.
> 
> I've never been one to waffle.
> 
> I know what my deal breakers are.
> 
> I have self-respect. I won't allow myself to be abused, lied to, cheated on etc.
> 
> To me (notice I said me, not everyone else), cheating is a deal breaker, period, end of story. It didn't matter that I had 3 children and that I hadn't worked in years and years and years. He cheated, it broke the deal and that was that.
> 
> Yes, it was that cut and dry. Why? I've always been that way. Long before him I knew cheating was a deal breaker.
> 
> Many say cheating is a deal breaker, but then when it happens to them, when they've been married a long time, have kids, then they say it isn't so cut and dried for them anymore.
> 
> I'm not that way. If cheating is a deal breaker for someone, then it breaks the deal.
> 
> Some folks say it is, but then their actions show it isn't.
> 
> Say what you mean and mean what you say is how I live my life.
> 
> I realize I don't get to speak for others. They may live their lives however they see fit. Many don't leave when they're cheated on, when they're unhappy, when they're abused and it's their life and their choice of course.
> 
> They get to live their life and I get to choose to live my life.
> 
> Calvin, it IS cut and dry, if folks make it that way. Many CHOOSE for it NOT to be that cut and dry and that is their choice of course.
> 
> I don't understand folks who say cheating is a deal breaker for them and then when it happens to them, they don't leave. They aren't being true to themselves, they aren't saying what they mean and meaning what they say.
> 
> Again, just because I'd been married over a decade and a half and just because I had 3 children and just because I didn't work outside of the home didn't mean I was confused and I had to decide whether I would try to reconcile with my lying, cheating husband. I did not. It was game over right then when he cheated.
> 
> I REALLY wanted to spend my life with my husband, with one partner. One of my life goals was to be in my 70's, sitting on the front porch swing drinking lemonade with my husband while watching our grandchildren playing in the yard.
> 
> Alas, that wasn't to be and it was my husband's fault. I forgave him, but I've never forgotten.
> 
> I couldn't live with myself if I took a cheater back. It's not in my makeup, it never has been and it never will be.
> 
> But I KNEW that before marrying him. I knew what I'd do if he cheated. I never vacillated. All the years, us having three young children all under 10 years old and my not working didn't come close to making me think about staying with my cheating husband.
> 
> We had a nice home, nice things, vacations, I could do what I wanted, I was in groups, activities, on committees, I ran a lot, I ran marathons and other shorter races. I had the time to run, to train. My husband watched our kids while I ran, while I did my crafts, while I played bunco with neighborhood ladies, while I did things with my parents etc.
> 
> I had a nice life, I was blessed and yep, I gave that up in a heartbeat when my husband cheated. I had to go and get a job, give up my nice home, give up doing what I wanted each day due to having to get a job.
> 
> I didn't bat an eye. I could NOT live with myself had I taken my lying cheating husband back.
> 
> I honestly never even had one thought, for even one second of taking him back.
> 
> Why? Cheating was a deal breaker for me and he cheated, so we were done.
> 
> It was that black and white and that cut and dry, for ME.
> 
> I had a great life up to then. My husband coached little league, youth soccer, he and I co-taught children's bible classes at our church. My husband helped my parents out a ton. He did so much for me around the house, more than he should have. He bathed our 3 kids each night. He put them to bed with me each night, it took us about 30 minutes each night, reading stories, talking about their day, scratching their backs and saying prayers.
> 
> Why am I including all this? To let you know that in many ways I had a great a life. I always drove nice new cars. My husband drove used cars, cars that got him from A to B. I played in a bunco league with women in my neighborhood.
> 
> I knew I'd be giving ALL of that up by divorcing my lying cheating husband, but I never gave one thought about us trying to remain together after I found out he cheated.
> 
> It was hard, I had to do all the housework, I had to work, I was in an apartment, not my nice house. I had to do everything for my 3 children. I had to bath them each night as my husband had done that.
> 
> I had to take the trash out, get my car taken care of and all the other things I never had to do because my husband did them.
> 
> I've included these things to let you and others know that I had many things that folks might want to keep in their lives, I guess many try to reconcile for many of the reasons I had, but I couldn't do it and I'd never do it.
> 
> My budget changed drastically and I guess I could have chosen to reconcile, but I didn't value money or being on easy street, not when it meant I'd have to throw my values in the gutter in order to remain with my lying cheating husband.
> 
> 
> Things are cut and dry, if that's what folks choose for them to be. I knew I was saying goodbye to a cushy life. We had to sell our time share condo, no more vacations to nice places while using our time share condo.
> 
> I'd call my first husband at his office and tell him to meet me at the doctors with the children, and he'd leave work to come and help me. Not after my divorce of course.
> 
> I gave all that up and more I'm not mentioning because he cheated. Because it was that cut and dry to me.
> 
> Other than his cheating, he was a nice man, a gentleman. He had manners, he played with the children, they would hide to "scare" him when he came home from the office each night. He camped with them, he played on the floor with them, he played hide and seek with them. He took them to his office as they loved to go there.
> 
> NONE of those things gave me even one pause to even think of reconciling after I found out he cheated on me.
> 
> I gladly gave up all the nice cushy things in my life for a much harder road because it was that cut and dry, to me.


Hang tight,you can do this. 
I'm really sorry.
I know it sucks.


----------



## calvin

A18S37K14H18 said:


> You're right, for some people it isn't and for others it is that cut and dry.
> 
> I've never been one to waffle.
> 
> I know what my deal breakers are.
> 
> I have self-respect. I won't allow myself to be abused, lied to, cheated on etc.
> 
> To me (notice I said me, not everyone else), cheating is a deal breaker, period, end of story. It didn't matter that I had 3 children and that I hadn't worked in years and years and years. He cheated, it broke the deal and that was that.
> 
> Yes, it was that cut and dry. Why? I've always been that way. Long before him I knew cheating was a deal breaker.
> 
> Many say cheating is a deal breaker, but then when it happens to them, when they've been married a long time, have kids, then they say it isn't so cut and dried for them anymore.
> 
> I'm not that way. If cheating is a deal breaker for someone, then it breaks the deal.
> 
> Some folks say it is, but then their actions show it isn't.
> 
> Say what you mean and mean what you say is how I live my life.
> 
> I realize I don't get to speak for others. They may live their lives however they see fit. Many don't leave when they're cheated on, when they're unhappy, when they're abused and it's their life and their choice of course.
> 
> They get to live their life and I get to choose to live my life.
> 
> Calvin, it IS cut and dry, if folks make it that way. Many CHOOSE for it NOT to be that cut and dry and that is their choice of course.
> 
> I don't understand folks who say cheating is a deal breaker for them and then when it happens to them, they don't leave. They aren't being true to themselves, they aren't saying what they mean and meaning what they say.
> 
> Again, just because I'd been married over a decade and a half and just because I had 3 children and just because I didn't work outside of the home didn't mean I was confused and I had to decide whether I would try to reconcile with my lying, cheating husband. I did not. It was game over right then when he cheated.
> 
> I REALLY wanted to spend my life with my husband, with one partner. One of my life goals was to be in my 70's, sitting on the front porch swing drinking lemonade with my husband while watching our grandchildren playing in the yard.
> 
> Alas, that wasn't to be and it was my husband's fault. I forgave him, but I've never forgotten.
> 
> I couldn't live with myself if I took a cheater back. It's not in my makeup, it never has been and it never will be.
> 
> But I KNEW that before marrying him. I knew what I'd do if he cheated. I never vacillated. All the years, us having three young children all under 10 years old and my not working didn't come close to making me think about staying with my cheating husband.
> 
> We had a nice home, nice things, vacations, I could do what I wanted, I was in groups, activities, on committees, I ran a lot, I ran marathons and other shorter races. I had the time to run, to train. My husband watched our kids while I ran, while I did my crafts, while I played bunco with neighborhood ladies, while I did things with my parents etc.
> 
> I had a nice life, I was blessed and yep, I gave that up in a heartbeat when my husband cheated. I had to go and get a job, give up my nice home, give up doing what I wanted each day due to having to get a job.
> 
> I didn't bat an eye. I could NOT live with myself had I taken my lying cheating husband back.
> 
> I honestly never even had one thought, for even one second of taking him back.
> 
> Why? Cheating was a deal breaker for me and he cheated, so we were done.
> 
> It was that black and white and that cut and dry, for ME.
> 
> I had a great life up to then. My husband coached little league, youth soccer, he and I co-taught children's bible classes at our church. My husband helped my parents out a ton. He did so much for me around the house, more than he should have. He bathed our 3 kids each night. He put them to bed with me each night, it took us about 30 minutes each night, reading stories, talking about their day, scratching their backs and saying prayers.
> 
> Why am I including all this? To let you know that in many ways I had a great a life. I always drove nice new cars. My husband drove used cars, cars that got him from A to B. I played in a bunco league with women in my neighborhood.
> 
> I knew I'd be giving ALL of that up by divorcing my lying cheating husband, but I never gave one thought about us trying to remain together after I found out he cheated.
> 
> It was hard, I had to do all the housework, I had to work, I was in an apartment, not my nice house. I had to do everything for my 3 children. I had to bath them each night as my husband had done that.
> 
> I had to take the trash out, get my car taken care of and all the other things I never had to do because my husband did them.
> 
> I've included these things to let you and others know that I had many things that folks might want to keep in their lives, I guess many try to reconcile for many of the reasons I had, but I couldn't do it and I'd never do it.
> 
> My budget changed drastically and I guess I could have chosen to reconcile, but I didn't value money or being on easy street, not when it meant I'd have to throw my values in the gutter in order to remain with my lying cheating husband.
> 
> 
> Things are cut and dry, if that's what folks choose for them to be. I knew I was saying goodbye to a cushy life. We had to sell our time share condo, no more vacations to nice places while using our time share condo.
> 
> I'd call my first husband at his office and tell him to meet me at the doctors with the children, and he'd leave work to come and help me. Not after my divorce of course.
> 
> I gave all that up and more I'm not mentioning because he cheated. Because it was that cut and dry to me.
> 
> Other than his cheating, he was a nice man, a gentleman. He had manners, he played with the children, they would hide to "scare" him when he came home from the office each night. He camped with them, he played on the floor with them, he played hide and seek with them. He took them to his office as they loved to go there.
> 
> NONE of those things gave me even one pause to even think of reconciling after I found out he cheated on me.
> 
> I gladly gave up all the nice cushy things in my life for a much harder road because it was that cut and dry, to me.


Q


A18S37K14H18 said:


> You're right, for some people it isn't and for others it is that cut and dry.
> 
> I've never been one to waffle.
> 
> I know what my deal breakers are.
> 
> I have self-respect. I won't allow myself to be abused, lied to, cheated on etc.
> 
> To me (notice I said me, not everyone else), cheating is a deal breaker, period, end of story. It didn't matter that I had 3 children and that I hadn't worked in years and years and years. He cheated, it broke the deal and that was that.
> 
> Yes, it was that cut and dry. Why? I've always been that way. Long before him I knew cheating was a deal breaker.
> 
> Many say cheating is a deal breaker, but then when it happens to them, when they've been married a long time, have kids, then they say it isn't so cut and dried for them anymore.
> 
> I'm not that way. If cheating is a deal breaker for someone, then it breaks the deal.
> 
> Some folks say it is, but then their actions show it isn't.
> 
> Say what you mean and mean what you say is how I live my life.
> 
> I realize I don't get to speak for others. They may live their lives however they see fit. Many don't leave when they're cheated on, when they're unhappy, when they're abused and it's their life and their choice of course.
> 
> They get to live their life and I get to choose to live my life.
> 
> Calvin, it IS cut and dry, if folks make it that way. Many CHOOSE for it NOT to be that cut and dry and that is their choice of course.
> 
> I don't understand folks who say cheating is a deal breaker for them and then when it happens to them, they don't leave. They aren't being true to themselves, they aren't saying what they mean and meaning what they say.
> 
> Again, just because I'd been married over a decade and a half and just because I had 3 children and just because I didn't work outside of the home didn't mean I was confused and I had to decide whether I would try to reconcile with my lying, cheating husband. I did not. It was game over right then when he cheated.
> 
> I REALLY wanted to spend my life with my husband, with one partner. One of my life goals was to be in my 70's, sitting on the front porch swing drinking lemonade with my husband while watching our grandchildren playing in the yard.
> 
> Alas, that wasn't to be and it was my husband's fault. I forgave him, but I've never forgotten.
> 
> I couldn't live with myself if I took a cheater back. It's not in my makeup, it never has been and it never will be.
> 
> But I KNEW that before marrying him. I knew what I'd do if he cheated. I never vacillated. All the years, us having three young children all under 10 years old and my not working didn't come close to making me think about staying with my cheating husband.
> 
> We had a nice home, nice things, vacations, I could do what I wanted, I was in groups, activities, on committees, I ran a lot, I ran marathons and other shorter races. I had the time to run, to train. My husband watched our kids while I ran, while I did my crafts, while I played bunco with neighborhood ladies, while I did things with my parents etc.
> 
> I had a nice life, I was blessed and yep, I gave that up in a heartbeat when my husband cheated. I had to go and get a job, give up my nice home, give up doing what I wanted each day due to having to get a job.
> 
> I didn't bat an eye. I could NOT live with myself had I taken my lying cheating husband back.
> 
> I honestly never even had one thought, for even one second of taking him back.
> 
> Why? Cheating was a deal breaker for me and he cheated, so we were done.
> 
> It was that black and white and that cut and dry, for ME.
> 
> I had a great life up to then. My husband coached little league, youth soccer, he and I co-taught children's bible classes at our church. My husband helped my parents out a ton. He did so much for me around the house, more than he should have. He bathed our 3 kids each night. He put them to bed with me each night, it took us about 30 minutes each night, reading stories, talking about their day, scratching their backs and saying prayers.
> 
> Why am I including all this? To let you know that in many ways I had a great a life. I always drove nice new cars. My husband drove used cars, cars that got him from A to B. I played in a bunco league with women in my neighborhood.
> 
> I knew I'd be giving ALL of that up by divorcing my lying cheating husband, but I never gave one thought about us trying to remain together after I found out he cheated.
> 
> It was hard, I had to do all the housework, I had to work, I was in an apartment, not my nice house. I had to do everything for my 3 children. I had to bath them each night as my husband had done that.
> 
> I had to take the trash out, get my car taken care of and all the other things I never had to do because my husband did them.
> 
> I've included these things to let you and others know that I had many things that folks might want to keep in their lives, I guess many try to reconcile for many of the reasons I had, but I couldn't do it and I'd never do it.
> 
> My budget changed drastically and I guess I could have chosen to reconcile, but I didn't value money or being on easy street, not when it meant I'd have to throw my values in the gutter in order to remain with my lying cheating husband.
> 
> 
> Things are cut and dry, if that's what folks choose for them to be. I knew I was saying goodbye to a cushy life. We had to sell our time share condo, no more vacations to nice places while using our time share condo.
> 
> I'd call my first husband at his office and tell him to meet me at the doctors with the children, and he'd leave work to come and help me. Not after my divorce of course.
> 
> I gave all that up and more I'm not mentioning because he cheated. Because it was that cut and dry to me.
> 
> Other than his cheating, he was a nice man, a gentleman. He had manners, he played with the children, they would hide to "scare" him when he came home from the office each night. He camped with them, he played on the floor with them, he played hide and seek with them. He took them to his office as they loved to go there.
> 
> NONE of those things gave me even one pause to even think of reconciling after I found out he cheated on me.
> 
> I gladly gave up all the nice cushy things in my life for a much harder road because it was that cut and dry, to me.


I am so damn sorry.
I do understand....yeah it sucks but I know ad well. 
Lucky us huh!
My situation is different but I'm very sorry you had to go through this ****.
It will get better believe it or not .....or not.
It will get better.
Just stay strong.


----------



## Eshay Toastie

Loveisblindness said:


> Hi all
> D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.
> 
> After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.
> 
> During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.
> 
> I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.
> 
> I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.
> 
> Love is blindness


Sounds like 1 big headache who should of kicked her to the curb, she belongs to the streets


----------



## CantSitStill

I'm wondering if this whole story was made up by the poster. It seems too out there


----------



## maquiscat

CantSitStill said:


> I'm wondering if this whole story was made up by the poster. It seems too out there


Sometimes reality is far stranger that fiction.


----------

