# I cheated....



## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Now my wife is steadfast on the fact that it is over. Is it really over and is she so steadfast or is it just now because she is so angry? I want to believe that in time, all wounds can be healed. She's said that she cannot come back from this. I have resigned to this fact and have simply just decided to not pursue her and get her back and just give her time. All I can do is be myself and move on and kill her with kindness. I hope this works and in time she learns to move on from the anger and see that for 9 years I was a good man, a good husband and father and that throughout the last 10 months I had a horrible lapse in judgment because I felt so alone and neglected for over 4 years. She's acknowledged that she understood what I was going through and apologized but it doesn't change the fact that I went to another woman. I just hope in time her anger against what I've done subsides and we can get back to being together or just be really good friends again.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

coming from the other side...

have you cut all contact with OW?? If not then don't even try and heal your marriage. You need to show/prove to her there is no more contact. Write a letter to OW explaining what a mistake she was, how much you love your wife, how you never want to see or hear from her again.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Hmm I'd like to give you advice but I have no clue what I want having been the cheating wife. I understand not being appreciated and thats why I did it. I was an excellent wife am still an awesome mom and a good person. This was not something I wouldve done had I not been unhappy for so long. I was really waiting for some big gesture or change that never came. If you love her and want to try and work it out, dont roll over and give her space for forever. Women need to feel wanted and you could always try showing her that she matters. She might not be romantically interested but you can try giving her a letter about how you feel. Did you do it with someone you care about or was it a one night thing?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

It's really up to her. For many people it's a deal breaker. I thought any kind of an affair would be a deal breaker to me. My husband had an EA and I wanted to end it, 1 1/2 months later I am still here but on the fence. I honestly don't know.

Get both of you into MC if she's willing. You really have to find out why YOU had the affair instead of leaving the marriage and moving on first.


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

To answer the questions, Yes I have cut all ties to the OW. We have already had the conversation as to why it got to where it got to. Basically for 4 years I was in the marriage neglected and alone. I would tell her constantly that this was an issue and it fell on deaf ears and then all of a sudden this OW comes in and starts showering me with praise and compliments. I was being told things that my wife stopped saying to me. I don't want to give up but I also don't want to become frustrated with my efforts going forward and nothing changing. She acknowledges that she simply drifted away and rather than telling me she grew apart from me and felt that way she let me live there and just take up space. rather than tell me that she was feeling this way and giving me the chance to try and repair things she said nothing and continued to let the gap between us get wider. She says that she didn't want to say anything because she thought that we were just going through a lull. The whole time I was living unhappy and just lonely and then this other woman comes in and approaches me. I never looked for her. 

That being said, what else could I be expected to do. My options were simple. Turn this beautiful OW that was giving me what I was lacking in my marriage or continue to feel alone and neglected and express my feelings to my wife again and have it fall on deaf ears. I made the weaker mans decision and started this EA. I grew to care for the OW but sadly I just realized it would never amount to anything as she was in a relationship with a boyfriend she was unwilling to leave for me. The fog was lifted and I realized what I had done, but by then it was too late and now my wife says she is too far gone to come back from this. It will never be the same she says, she will always worry about if I am where I say I am and that she can never trust me again. It just sucks because I was not that man for 9 of our 10 years together. I simply grew desperate for affection and attention.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel!! Told my husband everything i say seems to fall on deaf ears. Its easy to get that instant gratification and its crazy how six years of trying to be the perfect wife goes out the window in a day. I do blame myself a lot but Im more focused on me now. Make yourself feel better. You cant fully love someone else if you dont love yourself and I really believe that. I didnt go looking for an affair either. He came to me. Were you in love with this other woman or just close?


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

I thought it was love, it wasn't. I definately cared for her a lot and could have seen a future with her but she also played a game with me as well. She would tell me that she loved me but she is 24 and I dont think she even knows the meaning of love.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Hey! Shes my age! Hmm i do know what love is but you better hope youre my first love because after that, it probably wont happen again. Well atleast that let you see things for how they really are. Are you considerably older than her? I think you can care for someone but the real love was invested into the marriage. I hope mine is not all gone


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

LOL! I wasnt meaning it to be insulting Jem, just in this case I think she threw this word around like it's what she thought she felt. Again to make me feel special. I think anyone has the capability to know what love is. But she is also involved in a relationship where her boyfriend says really horrible things to her, he will break up with her and she will go back to him and she says that it's love. When you love someone you dont insult their weight when there really isn't anything wrong with it. You dont threaten to leave the person if she doesn't lose the weight. things of that nature. I'm not old by any stretch, I'm 34 so a 10 year difference isnt extreme. I've just been through more than her and actually was in a very similar type of relationship when I was that age.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Rico said:


> I thought it was love, it wasn't. I definately cared for her a lot and could have seen a future with her but she also played a game with me as well. She would tell me that she loved me but she is 24 and I dont think she even knows the meaning of love.


In a way your wife was the default person and may she knows this and decided she is valuable enough to be the premier person to a deserving man. If the OW did not bail on you, would you be sorry that your wife is divorcing you? I ask because it may help you to reframe your distress. No matter what, your marriage was destined to fail, it is just a fluke that the other relationship did not work out. 

You were already gone; you sadness is because you are alone now not really the fact that your wife does not want you. If you think of it this way it will be easier for you to move on to a new relationship. This time, you pick the person and don't fall for the first woman that shows up. Men think that they play games but women use men too, so stay away from the users. 

Women who cheat with you will cheat on you. You are actually lucky this woman went back to her bf. If you became more deeply involved with her, she probably would have cheated on you and left you for a man closer to her age eventually. If she is beautiful and young as you say her options are many and you would be competing against younger more compatible men and you probably would not have made the cut anyway. 

Your W sounds strong with a healthy sense of her own worth. She will do fine and so will you.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Rico - You sound allot like my husband it's a lil scary  Only he was the one who did the neglecting in the marriage and refused to talk about how he felt and distanced himself and found someone else while deployed.

I agree with what Catherine has said. In my case she ended it with him, it's very hard to not imagine how things might of gone if she hadn't and how much more faith I would have in him if he had ended it and then fessed up to me. These are the reasons I sit on the fence. No one deserves to be the second choice.


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Well let's be clear, my wife was always my first choice and our marriage was wonderful and filled with many good times. She began to drift away from the role of a wife when our children came into the picture. She readily admits this. She just felt like she needed to devote every waking second to them and left me in the cold. All I wanted was to spend time with my wife and lay in bed, hold hands, watch movies etc. I dont blame my kids, she does. I never forgot how to be a husband and still be a father. Rather than tell me she was drifting away so that I could try and repair things she held back and let me go on in the marriage feeling alone and neglected. Even if she was drifting and couldnt see herself being with me anymore all those years ago, she could have told me and all of this now could have been avoided. That bothers me a little.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So... As someone else who has cheated, and is currently in a "separating" phase of my marriage...

Rico, you ask "what else could you have done?". Well, the honorable thing to have done would have been to talk to your wife, tell her how bad things were for you, and then make a decision to end the marriage if it didn't improve. You both may have contributed to a "bad" marriage, but you're the one that made a decision to meet your needs outside the marriage.

Having said that, that's not what I did, and I regret it. Doing that would have let me leave feeling like my honor and integrity was still intact. As it is, if/when I start a serious relationship with someone else, I feel like I'll have no option but to be honest about what I've done. I understand more WHY I did what I did, and I don't plan on doing it again. But it's still there as a "flaw" in my character (in my mind).

In my case, there was 18 years of fidelity... But the lack of intimacy over the last few years, the lack of desire from my wife, and especially a lack of desire on her part to change anything eventually led me to look outside the marriage to fill those needs. In my case, it was a conscious decision, which likely makes it all that much worse. I wasn't looking for love (and never found it). At the time, I told myself that I was just looking to fill my physical intimacy needs, and maybe if I did that, the marriage could stay afloat. Finding someone else isn't the reason I decided to end the marriage, so I don't believe there's any "fog" involved.

After I cheated, I did some more research, and talked to my marriage counselor. Two things struck me. First was from my counselor, where I expected to get "beat up" over my cheating. But he kind of ignored that (this was in an individual session), and when I asked him about it, he just just that the cheating is often a symptom of a problem, but not the actual problem that needs to be addressed. Obviously the fallout from that decision CAN be a very real problem, if the marriage is to be reconciled.

The second thing I learned was about "exit affairs". I thought of this on my own, and it was confirmed with some research. Basically, having an affair to kill the marriage. Put the nail in the coffin, etc.

In my case, I don't plan on confessing my cheating to my spouse. If we were trying to work things out, I'd need to do that, I think. But since I've made the decision that it's not going to work out regardless, I don't see the point to hurting her with that information (supported by my counselor as well). I think it would also be tough to maintain any sort of post-marriage friendship if she knew. I would suspect that if she knew, she would be like your wife, and not want to try to work things out. Which can be one of the reasons for the exit affair. The marriage is effectively over, but as with a zombie, you want to make sure it's REALLY over, and not coming back. So you do something your spouse will find intolerable.

Anyway, enough rambling... BTW, how long has it been since your wife found out about your cheating? And did you confess, or did she find out somehow on her own?

C


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

She just found out recently and no i didn't confess, it was found out because I left access to my e-mail open. I don't know if it would have ever ended with the OW, but I suspect that it would have because she was also playing a very severe emotional game with me and I was just spinning my wheels with her. Like I said, she would tell me she loved me but would refuse to leave her boyfriend. So to me it probably wasnt love, I was just someone who was making her feel good when her boyfriend wasn't doing the job.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear, Can I ask an honest question? Its not to be disrespectful at all, just my curiosity honestly. Don't you think it might be a little weird that if you get into another relationship/marriage your ex wife will be the only one who DOESN'T know you cheated? What if your current wife then and you got into trouble and she ran off to tell your ex? 

You don't have to answer, and I certainly don't want you to take it as my trying to "convince" you of anything, just purely curious.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Rico said:


> Well let's be clear, my wife was always my first choice and our marriage was wonderful and filled with many good times. She began to drift away from the role of a wife when our children came into the picture. She readily admits this. She just felt like she needed to devote every waking second to them and left me in the cold. All I wanted was to spend time with my wife and lay in bed, hold hands, watch movies etc. I dont blame my kids, she does. I never forgot how to be a husband and still be a father. Rather than tell me she was drifting away so that I could try and repair things she held back and let me go on in the marriage feeling alone and neglected. Even if she was drifting and couldnt see herself being with me anymore all those years ago, she could have told me and all of this now could have been avoided. That bothers me a little.


Rico I'm concerned for your future relationships. Your wife was wrong for forgetting that she had a husband, partner and friend and that she left you to drift. I'm concerned that you blame her only. I'm not talking about the affair, not going to beat a dead horse you are very remorseful about that but before the affair. 

This problem is relatively common and intractable at times but, you must look at your role even if it was a little as 10%. That 10% can take a relationship down. Do this for future relationships so that you will be happy and have the skills to handle conflict. I wish you the very best in your future.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DawnD said:


> PBear, Can I ask an honest question? Its not to be disrespectful at all, just my curiosity honestly. Don't you think it might be a little weird that if you get into another relationship/marriage your ex wife will be the only one who DOESN'T know you cheated? What if your current wife then and you got into trouble and she ran off to tell your ex?
> 
> You don't have to answer, and I certainly don't want you to take it as my trying to "convince" you of anything, just purely curious.


DawnD, no offense taken!

Yes, it is weird... Maybe more than a little weird. The only thing I can think of is that by the time I decided to look outside my marriage relationship, the marriage was already over for me. As my counselor put it, the marriage had died, and I had grieved for it. I've felt very little guilt about the cheating as well, which also surprised me.

One thing that I found a bit disturbing through the whole separation process is the lack of emotion that I'm feeling through it. We've had very emotional discussions in the past about different issues, and there was always lots of emotions on both sides, including tears at times. This time, nothing. It's like I could be talking to a co-worker about a job issue. Again, it gets back to the fact that the marriage was over in my mind quite a while ago (based on discussions with my counselor).

As far as a current partner running off and telling my ex, I hadn't thought about that. But considering I was/am prepared to pay the price for cheating (i.e. the breakup of my marriage), I don't know that I would be terribly concerned about that.

I'd like to think that if there was a good reason to tell my soon-to-be ex wife about the cheating, I'd do it. If it would make it easier on her, if it would make either of us a better person, whatever. But I don't see that there's anything to be gained by it, besides a relieving of my guilt. Even the threads in here seem to support that... If you want to work through the issues and rebuild the relationship, then confession and openness is the starting point. If not, then it's just painful to the LS for no reason. At least, that's the way I interpret the threads.

And at the same time, I don't think a new relationship based on half-truths and lies has much of a chance of success, so that's where the honesty up front comes in. If that means she doesn't feel she can trust me, at least she would have the information to make that choice. If that means some processes have to be enabled to ease her mind (access to cell phone records, etc), then we can talk about it up front and decide what needs to be done and if it's feasible. I'm also continuing my counseling to work through the "why" of the failure of this marriage and my cheating... I don't plan on making the same mistakes again. I KNOW that I have an equal share in the blame for this failure, and I'm not ducking that. I never thought I would cheat, and 18 years of fidelity would support that idea. It's not a path I plan on wandering ever again, and I want to make sure that doesn't happen.

Sorry, that was a long winded answer to a short question... 

C


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## mama wonder (Feb 10, 2011)

Complicated...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Rico said:


> I thought it was love, it wasn't. I definately cared for her a lot and could have seen a future with her but she also played a game with me as well. She would tell me that she loved me but she is 24 and I dont think she even knows the meaning of love.


I'll give you my take and I may be dead wrong. 

I think you are fooling yourself about the possibility of a loving relationship with a 24 yo woman who was cheating on her bf. Don't you think that is a stretch and a fantasy. First of all, she was not at the same stage in life with you, she was probably shared very little in the way of common interest, would she have wanted to take you around her friends?. 

The average 24 year is not ready to settle down to domestic servitude with an instant family and an older man who cheated on his wife. She is unlikely to want to take care of your kids when they came for the w/e in place of hanging out with friends her own age and stage in life. Would you have hung out with her friends and done all the things that young people do? Do you think she would have been interested in hanging out with your friends? 

You mention that you loved this girl and would not have stopped the relationship if you were not found out. You probably would have divorced your wife for the love of this girl. How can you love someone you don't know and you share nothing but sex with? You had a 10+ year history with a woman of quality, a good mother who I'm sure knew you and your faults well but, loved you anyway. 

You had your children with her and shared a life and friendship with her. These are things you will never have again. Yet you give them up so easily. You refuse to fight because you suffered for 4 years so you cast aside diamonds and think you love this girl who would have taken her place. Do you think a 24 year old who is cheating on her bf can take care of your kids when they come to stay with you?

It's not your wife's fault that she does not want to try, it's a testament to the kind of person she is and the value she places on herself. If you still think you were in love with this girl and would have given up a woman of the quality of your wife for her, maybe your wife is right to bail. You think way less of her and your family than they deserve and place more value on a 24 yo you had sex with for 10 months who was ambivalent about you. Just saying.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> DawnD, no offense taken!
> 
> Yes, it is weird... Maybe more than a little weird. The only thing I can think of is that by the time I decided to look outside my marriage relationship, the marriage was already over for me. As my counselor put it, the marriage had died, and I had grieved for it. I've felt very little guilt about the cheating as well, which also surprised me.
> 
> ...


No I am quite glad you explained it so well. One thing I would ask the counselor about is if coming clean with this in your next relationship would make the next GF think its setting a precedent. Almost like coming clean about cheating and not telling your wife, will they wonder if that is YOU instead of just a mistake you made. 

I commend you guys for being able to come in here and talk about it, I know its not easy to have to explain things to people like me, who can be slow on the uptake LOL


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DawnD, so are you suggesting I SHOULD tell my wife, regardless of the pain it would cause her with no benefit to her or I? What good would come of that? And I'm asking that sincerely. I just don't see the benefit. 

I follow the Infidelity forum to learn what it's like on the other side. Like many others here, one of my early thoughts were that "she drove me to it by rejecting me for sex". Since starting reading here though, I've learned a lot, and come to accept the idea that while we both had blame in the decline in our marriage, it was ME who made the choice to step outside. Nobody else. And that's something I have to live with.

C


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> DawnD, so are you suggesting I SHOULD tell my wife, regardless of the pain it would cause her with no benefit to her or I? What good would come of that? And I'm asking that sincerely. I just don't see the benefit.
> 
> I follow the Infidelity forum to learn what it's like on the other side. Like many others here, one of my early thoughts were that "she drove me to it by rejecting me for sex". Since starting reading here though, I've learned a lot, and come to accept the idea that while we both had blame in the decline in our marriage, it was ME who made the choice to step outside. Nobody else. And that's something I have to live with.
> 
> C


Actually no. I am only suggesting talking to the counselor on how to approach the new relationship with the situation, so you aren't automatically labeled for what you have done in the past instead of who you are. Your counselor might have a better system on how to be honest with your new relationship while reassuring the new GF that it isn't a pattern. 

I am with you, that is probably wouldn't serve any purpose to tell your wife with the situation being as it is.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

[threadjack for PBear] I can't speak for DawnD but I can share my own opinion here and say that what you did and what many/most do here on this forum sound pretty different. That is to say, I think the majority (75% or more) of affairs are due to lack of needs being met--or using our terms the Love Kindlers--and due to an increasing amount of Love Extinguishers (aka, the actions that kill love). Many folks have no real desire to end their marriage, they just aren't having needs met and wish it was their SPOUSE doing those things for them! Likewise they are having their love extinguished, and they wish it was not their spouse treating them like that! 

In your case, you may have first been aware of it (conscious of it) as a lack of physical needs but that was just the part of the iceberg that was visible to you. Having explored the rest, you were actually ready to end it and probably would have seen yourself as more "honorable" if you just divorced and then moved on. Anyway, that's hindsight now. 

BUT DawnD's question is a really good one. If you do remarry or at least commit to another significant other (SO), it's within the realm of possibility that SO would talk to exW...and thus exW would be informed. I guess this is just me, but usually when people split there is a certain amount of animosity-type talk so after that kind of timeframe my guess would be that exW would have moved on, disentangled from you, and upon hearing the words may very well think something like: "Well that would explain a lot but it's water under the bridge now. Who cares?" 

By the same token though, your new SO would have a legitimate question. By never informing your ex...was that because it is part of your personality and character? Obviously you cheated so you are willing to hide things from those to who you are committed. Or is it a mistake you made and now you realize it was a mistake and learned from it...and won't do it again? I'm not saying you SHOULD tell your ex--or that you shouldn't--but by not telling the truth you do leave the door open to beg that question. [/threadjack]

For Rico, I comment to you as someone who knew all about infidelity and was unfaithful myself at one point. Anyone CAN make a mistake, and it seems clear that you do see it now as a mistake and see your part in how it occurred. I would suggest, rather than dwelling on the "Well I *TOLD* you I was lonely and you chose to ignore it" (which has some kernel of truth to it but is kind of blaming her) that you dwell on your own choices and actions that lead to the affair. Those were YOUR doing and those are the areas where you have a weakness and need to learn to protect yourself and your committed partner. So work on the little things you did that lead to infidelity such as spending time with women, talking about your relationship with women, having women compliment you, looking forward to 'spending time' with women, hiding your true whereabouts from your spouse, hiding your email or cellphone or whatever from her...those kinds of choices. THOSE are the things you can change and those are the things that were your responsibility. 

As to her--frankly she may be done. The one and only moral allowance for divorce is sexual immorality, and that includes emotional infidelity or cybersex or sexting in my book. So here's the fact: you were lonely that's true...but you chose to cheat. The cost of cheating is sometimes that your partner says "I will not be with someone who would commit adultery" and they have ever moral right to decide that. 

I don't mean to be mean or anything--just realistic. I'm not gonna blow sunshine or show you rose colored classes, because the consequence of your choice may in fact be losing her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks for the input from both of you... I'll bring it up with my counselor and think some more on it. And my apologies to Rico for the threadjack! 

One of the big take-aways from all this is that my relationship communication skills need work. Would that have prevented the failing of the marriage? I don't believe so; there's fundemental personality issues in place. Would it have caught it earlier? Most definitely. And would it have been fairer to both parties, to give both of us a chance to work through things without years of resentment and frustration? Absolutely. 

One of my counselors expressions has to do with initiating potentially uncomfortable discussions. Something like "You can pay the price when it happens and talk about it right away. Or you can talk about it later, and pay the price with interest." Meaning the possible years of frustration and resentment. That's really stuck with me. And that knowledge is definitely something that's going to go with me in a next relationship.

C


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

Haha no i wasnt insulted!! I understand ppl throw that aroun a lot! lol


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I'll give you my take and I may be dead wrong.
> 
> I think you are fooling yourself about the possibility of a loving relationship with a 24 yo woman who was cheating on her bf. Don't you think that is a stretch and a fantasy. First of all, she was not at the same stage in life with you, she was probably shared very little in the way of common interest, would she have wanted to take you around her friends?.
> 
> ...


Lets simply say this and keep it brief, I wasn't physically intimate with the OW until very recent. I agree that a 24 year old woman may or may not know the full way of the world. She was much more mature and had a good head on her shoulders professionally. She did want to start a family and that was an issue within her relationship already. I readily admit that I was lost in a dream thinking that something would come of this. We did have a lot in common, I'm 34 not 54 so the only things that we really didn't have in common were the going out to bars scene which she wasn't all that into. She knew the package and what it consisted of when it came to me. In no way am I defending or saying this girl would have been right for me. Chances are maybe it was all just a physical thing and I was just immersing myself into a fantasy to escape the lonely feelings that I had within my marriage. I own that I am completely wrong fro straying. 

Before I physically became involved with the OW we were friends. My interest was growing for her though, and I once again told my wife before anything happened and my wife and I had a long talk and cry together. I thought things were going to change and she saw emotionally how I was slowly breaking and she told me that she would work on it. It's only after a few weeks passed after that conversation that finally I had seen nothing change yet again and I decided to say whatever and this girl continued to throw herself at me. The fact is, I recognize my wife as a strong and wonderful woman. I dont have a bad thing to say and if I could turn back time, I would. I would have tried to change myself if I would have known that she was having these feelings of drifting away. She never communicated with me that she was feeling this way so how could I know. Who knows, I'm just going to lay off trying to get her back and concentrate on my kids and my new path in college. I'm a writer and all of this has become inspiration for new material. I have written a slew of poetry that is dedicated to my wife and children and have started an attempt at writing a short story/novel.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I honestly thing your still in the fog and though you say you were wrong you say other things that don't really reflect true remorse.


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Idontknownow said:


> I honestly thing your still in the fog and though you say you were wrong you say other things that don't really reflect true remorse.


Like I told her, I'll tell you. There isnt more for me to say other than I recognize that I am wrong no matter what I was feeling. I should have told her that we were done before I chose to run off and do stuff behind her back. I am wrong and now I have to help her pick up the pieces of a broken family which is what breaks my heart. I was selfish in what I wanted and now my children will suffer because of this. I am not seeking my wife back because I am simply trying to save the children the hurt of a broken home. I am seeking her back because I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she has always been the one. We lost sight of each other and while she went one way in distancing herself from me I went on to seek the affection elsewhere. I should have done more to see this and address it. I am extremely remorseful over everything that I have done and all the pain I have caused her. It kills me to see her tears. I just never thought of the consequences while all of this was going on.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Rico said:


> I just never thought of the consequences while all of this was going on.


 I think that is quite common in a lot of cases. You get so wrapped up in what you aren't getting from your spouse that you do something completely out of character without thinking about much other than that need getting met somewhere else. 

I can tell you from my experience Rico, that I was very angry for about 2 weeks, and it would go down slightly, but always came around in a cycle. I would be mad, sad, seemingly okay, numb, and then flat out pissed. I think you need to give her some time, and try to talk without using the word "but" for a while. it isn't in your best interest at this time to say " I know I was wrong for cheating, BUT if YOU would have...." that won't get you anywhere right now. 

I think all you can do is be there and try to express your remorse over your actions, and see if she will commit to trying to fix the marriage. There is no guarentee and I would only promise my H that I would stay and try for a few months. Take it slow and try not to rush her into anything. Make any sense??


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I think that is quite common in a lot of cases. You get so wrapped up in what you aren't getting from your spouse that you do something completely out of character without thinking about much other than that need getting met somewhere else.
> 
> I can tell you from my experience Rico, that I was very angry for about 2 weeks, and it would go down slightly, but always came around in a cycle. I would be mad, sad, seemingly okay, numb, and then flat out pissed. I think you need to give her some time, and try to talk without using the word "but" for a while. it isn't in your best interest at this time to say " I know I was wrong for cheating, BUT if YOU would have...." that won't get you anywhere right now.
> 
> I think all you can do is be there and try to express your remorse over your actions, and see if she will commit to trying to fix the marriage. There is no guarentee and I would only promise my H that I would stay and try for a few months. Take it slow and try not to rush her into anything. Make any sense??


I appreciate your words, truly. I got home from work today and she was again just cold and angry again. I know that she is holding onto e-mails that she found of mine and it just infuriates her and even when the day is going ok it takes that to flip her out. I told her she is validated in her anger and she just stated she needs time but that she is done. I told her she is entitled to hold onto her anger as much as she needs to but that I didnt understand what reading and throwing the e-mails in my face was going to do to help her get past this. I dont know, I'm really sad I've done this to her and I hate seeing her so angry and hurt and I wish I would have taken that into consideration before i did anything. It just makes it worse also that I dont even have anywhere to go so I feel that my presence here in the house just aggrivates her.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Rico said:


> I told her she is entitled to hold onto her anger as much as she needs to but that I didnt understand what reading and throwing the e-mails in my face was going to do to help her get past this.


It won't help, but that isn't what she is after. She wants you to HURT like she is hurting. To be honest, I am guilty of that. It didn't do me any good to either, but I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to hurt him back. 

She is probably pretty angry, because I doubt you were meeting all her needs, and in her eyes even when you weren't meeting hers, she didn't go out and find someone else. That's a tough pill to swallow. You also have to realize once you got involved with the OW, you more than likely downplayed your role in the demise of your marriage. You knew she wasn't doing what YOU wanted, but you didn't see that you weren't doing what SHE wanted. It really can be a vicious circle. 

Try purely accepting responsibility and don't try to help her make sense of her feelings. Don't ask her what good it does to throw it in your face. Keep along the lines of "I know I hurt you and that kills me" when she says you should have thought about that before, acknowledge that yes you should have, but now that you see the fallout you are reaping the entire consequence of breaking her heart and losing your family. Accept blame and wait for the right time to get into the "whys" of the affair


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

DawnD said:


> It won't help, but that isn't what she is after. She wants you to HURT like she is hurting. To be honest, I am guilty of that. It didn't do me any good to either, but I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to hurt him back.
> 
> She is probably pretty angry, because I doubt you were meeting all her needs, and in her eyes even when you weren't meeting hers, she didn't go out and find someone else. That's a tough pill to swallow. You also have to realize once you got involved with the OW, you more than likely downplayed your role in the demise of your marriage. You knew she wasn't doing what YOU wanted, but you didn't see that you weren't doing what SHE wanted. It really can be a vicious circle.
> 
> Try purely accepting responsibility and don't try to help her make sense of her feelings. Don't ask her what good it does to throw it in your face. Keep along the lines of "I know I hurt you and that kills me" when she says you should have thought about that before, acknowledge that yes you should have, but now that you see the fallout you are reaping the entire consequence of breaking her heart and losing your family. Accept blame and wait for the right time to get into the "whys" of the affair


Your 2nd paragraph hit it on the spot with how I feel my wife is acting right now. Not to be a thread jacker lol. Just reading other threads, and that just hit it right on the head.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Rico said:


> I appreciate your words, truly. I got home from work today and she was again just cold and angry again. I know that she is holding onto e-mails that she found of mine and it just infuriates her and even when the day is going ok it takes that to flip her out. I told her she is validated in her anger and she just stated she needs time but that she is done. I told her she is entitled to hold onto her anger as much as she needs to but that I didnt understand what reading and throwing the e-mails in my face was going to do to help her get past this. I dont know, I'm really sad I've done this to her and I hate seeing her so angry and hurt and I wish I would have taken that into consideration before i did anything. It just makes it worse also that I dont even have anywhere to go so I feel that my presence here in the house just aggrivates her.


One thing though, she just found our about this, she is hurting badly. Think about it, you want her to get over it like yesterday. Is that really fair to her? If you want to reconcile, it may take 2 years for her to get over the anger. So if you can't take it for the short run, it will be difficult to ride this out if you are planning to reconcile. 

Have you read anything about recovering from infidelity? There's information on this site. The process is outlined and the general time frame. That will give you an idea of what she is happening with her. 

The affair lasted for almost a year, I think you said, so it is not unreasonable that it would take her more than a few weeks to get over it. She will make you feel uncomfortable and she will go over the same ground several times, but that is part of the process. Doesn't sound like you want her to heal in her own time but on a schedule that is convenient for you. 

That may be an indication of how serous you are about seeking her forgiveness. It will not come cheap nor will it be pain free. She is in a great deal of pain so she is appealing to you to share her pain, to take some of the burden, commiserate with her, lift her up not many people can do that over the long term. 

It's much easier to turn away and leave her to feel the pain on her own. Maybe you are one of those rare men who can stick it out. But if you want to instantly get it over with, perhaps it would be better to accept her decision.


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## jem5 (Feb 6, 2011)

You know unless you have cheated, you cant understand what we have gone through. Everyone thinks that its carefree and callus but its the opposite. You have to live with it everyday and you constantly think about what hurt you caused. honestly its almost worse than being the one cheated on. Atleast the decieved spouse can be angry. You cant do anything but live with the guilt and ur spouse will never trust you and you feel embarassed. Some ppl say that thats the punishment. Any good person would not want to punish you like that. Its petty and it hurts you both.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

jem5 said:


> You know unless you have cheated, you cant understand what we have gone through.This is true, but the same is said for the person who has been cheated on. The cheater doesn't know what they are going through either, which is why this site is great, you can see both worlds. Everyone thinks that its carefree and callus but its the opposite. You have to live with it everyday and you constantly think about what hurt you caused. honestly its almost worse than being the one cheated on. I would doubt that. I think they are both painful in completely different ways.Atleast the decieved spouse can be angry. You cant do anything but live with the guilt and ur spouse will never trust you and you feel embarassed. Some ppl say that thats the punishment. Any good person would not want to punish you like that. Its petty and it hurts you both.


 Its not a punishment, but just like anything else, actions have consequences. Cheating is a choice and that action comes with consequences. If the marriage can be saved in spite of it, thats wonderful. Cheating is also petty and very selfish, so to a LS being angry and feeling like you should repent for your selfishness is understandable.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Its not a punishment, but just like anything else, actions have consequences. Cheating is a choice and that action comes with consequences. If the marriage can be saved in spite of it, thats wonderful. Cheating is also petty and very selfish, so to a LS being angry and feeling like you should repent for your selfishness is understandable.


As someone who has cheated, I'd agree with DawnD... I'd also add that I would expect some portion of "punishment" especially at first, but if there's any hope of reconciliation that has to ease up and eventually end. If not, the DS is just as able to say "I can't do this anymore, and I'm done". But it would be very unreasonable to expect the LS to simply forgive and forget.

C


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> As someone who has cheated, I'd agree with DawnD... I'd also add that I would expect some portion of "punishment" especially at first, but if there's any hope of reconciliation that has to ease up and eventually end. If not, the DS is just as able to say "I can't do this anymore, and I'm done". But it would be very unreasonable to expect the LS to simply forgive and forget.
> 
> C


True, and if I can be frank, which this is me admitting openly things that I did that were not constructive so BEWARE LOL, my H was already paying for his actions, I was just to hurt and angry to see it. Just as you said, you are embarrassed and upset that you hurt your family. That IS punishment. the LS just usually doesn't understand that until much later


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> You know unless you have cheated, you cant understand what we have gone through. Everyone thinks that its carefree and callus but its the opposite. You have to live with it everyday and you constantly think about what hurt you caused. honestly its almost worse than being the one cheated on.


Having been through both, I can honestly say that being cheated on hurts more, but I think that's partially because as a loyal spouse you're aware there are "some issues" with the marriage...it's not perfect...but you have yourself fooled that "infidelity could never happen to us--that happens to other people" and they you are hit right in the face with the nuclear bomb of reality. The disloyal spouse knows there are "some issues" too but they have had a little time to realize that the issues are DEEP and SERIOUSLY and killing the marriage. 



> At least the decieved spouse can be angry. You cant do anything but live with the guilt and ur spouse will never trust you and you feel embarassed. Some ppl say that thats the punishment. Any good person would not want to punish you like that. Its petty and it hurts you both.


You know this is a really good point. I can't tell you how many times I've heard LS's say "Why can't s/he realize I'm going to have good days and bad days?" and yet the LS rarely realizes that the DS is going to have good days and bad days too. And if you are the DS, it's not like loyals realize or understand that YOU have resentment too--like resentment over the months of rejection before the affair, or resentment about trying to talk to them and being ignored. Oh all that pales in comparison to cheating but by the same token, if an LS feels anger the expectation is that the disloyal would accept it's "a bad day" and not take it TOO personally...yet there's no equal expectation for the disloyal. It sounds weird and a little backward, but so much about infidelity really is counter-intuitive, yet on the occasion it would be really NICE if a disloyal was free to be angry, let it out, be validated as if that was a legitimate "complaint" and then not punished for feeling less than contrite. 

Now...lest anyone misunderstand, I'm not saying that DSs "always" have to gravel and LSs "always" get angry and expect that it's understood "it's a bad day"--but I'm speaking in more like a somewhat broad-stroke generalized statement: just as LS's have some anger over the hurt they've endured...DS's do too and that's just true. I'd encourage folks on BOTH sides to give their spouse a break and give them some safety in expressing anger, as long as it's in a healthy way that's not abusive. Use that tool "Thank you for telling the truth. What you've said was hurtful but I do appreciate you'd be willing to be open with me, so I'm going to take some time to think about it."


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