# Post-affair Sex Inner Game struggle



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Hey fellas, I'm several years past my wife's affair. 1 year reconciled this last time, and I'm struggling with my sexual "inner game". The last month or so, I've really felt down, lingering on the sexual aspects of my wife's affair. She had a pretty steamy relationship with the OM. Recently when we make love, I can't stop thinking I don't measure up. It's embarrassing. I've spoken to my wife about it a little bit, but it's one of those things that just further weaken me if I talk to her about it. 

Anyone have any advice on how they got past the sexual part of a wife's affair. I've got little to hold on to here - it was a physical affair, it was dirty and highly sexual, at the time she left me. The tape I play for myself is that she was more sexual attracted to him then she has ever been with me. 

I'm having a hard time shaking this one. The rest of the relationship is going well. I'm just stuck on this.

EDIT: I know this is MY issue. Recently I've been triggering. Triggering makes me feel lousy, which hurts my confidence, I become a bit of p*ssy in the sack. So it becomes a self-fullfiling prophesy. 

Also note, wife reads this, as (possible) does some other person from my past, so I'm not 100% anonymous on this board.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Seeking Sanity,
I’m surprised. There’s lots of wisdom in your posts so I’m surprised you’re struggling.

There is much in the “sexual act” that has nothing to do with testosterone, any other hormones, blood circulation etc. etc. For some men sex with our wives is akin to a “holy place”. I think rightly our wives body, heart, soul and mind is for us and us alone. Sure. We “share” our wives in that we know they will love others, our children, their parents etc. etc. and give part of their heart and soul to these people.

But their body in the act of sex is ours and ours alone. It’s not to be shared. But you’ve had more than that to suffer in that it sounds like your wife has ridiculed you. These two facts alone have a TREMENDOUS psychological affect on a man and can lead to exact same things as anything physical can.

You may come to accept that things will never be the same between you as they were in the past. If you are not seeing a psychologist who specialises in these things then perhaps that’s the best thing to do.

Bob


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have you 'gone dirty' as well?

I can't possibly convey in a singular post how much my attitude about love and sex has changed over the last 18 months.

In short ... I used to be singularly what has previously been discussed here as a romantic lover as opposed to an erotic lover.

Romantic lover is tender, compassionate, slow-hand, focus on your partner, her pleasure, her orgasm ... you get the idea. It's 'loving' sex.

Erotic lover is a bit more aggressive, selfish, passion and energy driven. 'Taking' her, being sexually aggressive, some hair pulling, biting, dirty talk, trying to break the mattress ... etc. This is 'raw' sex.

And for all of the men out there who think ... 'my wife would never go for that.' who are later devastated to learn that their 'vanilla' or asexual wife was banging the handyman on the dining room table wearing nothing but a tool-belt, with her ankles pinned behind her ears, it should be a wake up call.

So here is where I address your question, from the perspective of how I viewed it. You may disagree and I certainly understand that. I admire that you were able to reconcile, I did not.

The act of sex with the other person doesn't matter. It's a thing. It only holds the meaning or power that you choose to give it. I know my ex. I know why TOM fell hook, line and sinker for my ex. And it was without doubt, the sex. For her, in the 'high' of a relationship she is extraordinarily sexual, fearless, and adventurous. At the height of the affair, it looked nothing like a real relationship ... it was pure escapism, which enabled her 'dirty sex' mode. The only real way for me to drive this point home is to share with you a VERY personal experience. Took place in 09. I was at the house watching the kids. She was out. We had already been separated close to a year. I very honestly, and inadvertantly discovered a purple, vibrating, c0ck ring. Now ... presumably such an item does not lend itself to imagery of Puritanical intercourse for purposes of procreation.
So ... were my feelings of heartbreak and sexual inadequacy? Or were they a smug belief that TOM couldn't 'hold up' and needed some assistance to keep the flag flying and get his partner off?

It hurt. But it didn't hurt my ego. 

This is bizarre. It isn't terribly comfortable to share ... but it made things very, very clear to me about the nature of their relationship. I knew they were having sex, but that discovery harshly illustrated the reality of my ex-wife having sex with another man. I share it so that you know I have been in very similar place to you. In hindsight, I actually find it incredibly funny. I thought for a split second it was one of the kids toys, and as I turned it over in my hand, I realized what it was. The unpleasant visual imagery of it's use intruded upon my mind ... I put the 'item' back and then went and washed my hands vigorously. 

Two years later? The fantasy and escape are distant memories. They have a relationship ... and not a tremendously healthy one. She is now the GateKeeper once again, and he gets thrown crumbs when he's a good boy. That wild, erotic sex life they shared? Gone. Long, long, gone.

The 'act' is fleeting. How your partner feels about you sexually takes place 90% outside of the bedroom.

Do not get stuck in comparing yourself to the other guy. It's a rat hole. She chose you. And ideally she chose you because she valued you, and her marriage ... if that isn't the case, you may want to reevaluate your choice to reconcile, but I wouldn't dwell overmuch on what they did. Focus on being the guy that 'does' it with her now. 

When I started dating, I decided to try just about everything differently than who I had been previously ... particularly in the bedroom. I decided to go the 'erotic sex' route and see how comfortable I was, and how my partners reacted. The results were very, very, enlightening.

Odds are, that you are projecting far more weight onto 'the act' then it ever actually had. And I agree, it is not something that you should actively discuss with her. No good can come of that talk. I would think that the best way for you to become more comfortable with your own sexuality, would be to risk being a little uncomfortable with trying something outside of the usual. This is of course presuming that things are 'good' between you. If they are not, tend to that other 90% first, before worrying about the 10% between the sheets, or on the dining room table ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Aye. Variety is the spice of life. Kitchen table or worktop, in the sand dunes or a beach hut when it’s dark, parking back or front seats, out on the balcony, against a tree in the woods, under a tree in a cornfield etc. My wife was horniest when there was a risk of being “caught”.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh please. If 90% goes on outside the bedroom then 100% of throwing her trick ass out does too. Of course it means something. They weren't going to the opera they were ****ing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks guys. I'm probably a C+ in the assertiveness area. When I'm confident and feeling strong, I'm pretty in control of things and our love life is vibrant. Over the past several months it's slid for a variety of reasons, and I've lost my edge.

I do get that assertive/confident is what is attractive. Just having a hard time getting the swagger to execute right now. 

Bob - I've considered a counsellor, but I've had terrible experiences with them, and I think I'll punch the next if I hear "don't bring up the past" again.

Deejo - That's a great point about fantasy and escape being distant memories. I do need to remind myself of that. I used to prop myself up by thinking I had my own adventures too, while we were split up, but have been avoiding that kind of thinking because it doesn't feel healthy for the relationship now.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Deejo your post has got to be among the top ten post of the year. My cheeks are hurting from laughing. :rofl:

Seeking - I'd like to echo Deejo, don't discuss your sex problems with her. However, you need to try every other avenue to solve it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh Idk. I think women like both romanctic and erotic sex. In fact my ex was waaaaaaaaay more erotic than romantic. Sometimes I'd wish he'd be more romantic. But he was a freak to my pleasure. 

He def was very creative and adventerous. I totally dug it.

I agree with people telling you she chose YOU. So that is great. SPice it up. Try something different. Wine her. Dine her. Then blow her mind.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> Deejo your post has got to be among the top ten post of the year. My cheeks are hurting from laughing. :rofl:
> 
> Seeking - I'd like to echo Deejo, don't discuss your sex problems with her. However, you need to try every other avenue to solve it.


I just hope you are laughing with me and not at me ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Seeking Sanity,
I don’t mean a counsellor. I see very big differences between counsellors, psychologists and coaches.

For example. I’m having great difficulty understanding the tremendous negative emotions I have about my stbx. This is the women I loved for 42 years. These negative emotions have been with me for 18 months now and I can’t get shot of them. I don’t need counselling which I see as “talk therapy”, I need a psychologist to help me with this understanding. I like Carl Jung’s work so it’ll be a Jungian Psychologist.

These things are very very deep SS. Physical wounds heal and we can see their progress. Emotional wounds, especially the very deep ones can take a very long time to heal. And the problem with emotional wounds is they are so easily opened again (triggers) and we have to go through the whole process of healing again.

Me? My stbx wounded me so deeply that I’ll never see her again. I will not take even an infinitesimal small risk of that happening again because I’m not going to go through that pain and healing process ever again.

So if you haven’t seen a psychologist then maybe it’ll be a good thing to do.

Bob


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh Idk. I think women like both romanctic and erotic sex.


Agreed. The point is that if one is your standard ... you should definitely change things up with the other.

Invariably, I think it's impossible to completely avoid imagining what went on. But what becomes more important is paying attention to what is going on now, and not sabotaging your own efforts with the imagery of your partner with someone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Agreed. The point is that if one is your standard ... you should definitely change things up with the other.


Agree. Keep it fresh, not routine.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Seeking Sanity,
> I don’t mean a counsellor. I see very big differences between counsellors, psychologists and coaches.
> 
> For example. I’m having great difficulty understanding the tremendous negative emotions I have about my stbx. This is the women I loved for 42 years. These negative emotions have been with me for 18 months now and I can’t get shot of them. I don’t need counselling which I see as “talk therapy”, I need a psychologist to help me with this understanding. I like Carl Jung’s work so it’ll be a Jungian Psychologist.
> ...


That's very insightful Bob. Thank you. I'll give it some consideration.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SS I’m guessing you were traumatised when you discovered your wife’s affair? If so they reckon if the situation and emotional affects haven’t been resolved within a few weeks from the date of the trauma then Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is likely to be there.

PTSD takes a lot of working through as it affects many parts of us, our emotions, mind and soul for example. Somehow we have to find a way to come to terms with it all and heal our wounds and we need help with doing that at the outset and then we can begin to take care of ourselves. For me the starting places for this healing process are a psychologist (for “understanding”) and “inner spiritual work” (not necessarily God related).

The emotional affects (deep negative feelings) of the original trauma are recreated by “triggers” as though the original trauma is happening all over again. So your situation is compounded (made worse) by the fact that you are still living with the person who caused your trauma in the first place.

These deep emotions are “funny things”. Over time, and it can take a long while, the sheer intensity of the emotions decreases (time is a great healer). But they are still there although in a less intense form.

I think the wise person tries to understand these things and somehow come to terms with them. My decision was that if I stayed with my wife I’d forever be “triggered” and I just couldn’t stand the thought of that. I may let her back in sometime in the future but before that could happen she’d have to have done a lot of work on herself.

The healing process begins by attaining a “level of understanding” (psychologist) that we can be “comfortable with”. We then get to a point of “acceptance”, we accept things we understand and even things we can’t understand. Acceptance doesn’t mean we actually “agree” or think anything is “right”, it’s just pure and simple "acceptance”. We end the healing process with forgiveness (spiritual). In this respect forgiveness is purely for ourselves. We forgive the person who offended us so as an individual we don’t make ourselves a victim of something that happened in the past, so the trauma goes, in time, in to long term memory, so we can “forget” and move on with our lives. 

As to whether we can actually forgive the other person for causing the trauma in the first place depends a lot on if they have asked us to forgive them. Here I’m of the mind that if we can’t forgive them then we should no longer live with them and take from them what living with them means, sex, financial support, comfort, security etc. etc.

Bob


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh Idk. I think women like both romanctic and erotic sex.


yeah, unfortunately when you try one they want the other :scratchhead:


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Thx again Bob for the thoughtful post. I did definitely have some sort of PTSD and the triggers do bring up those old feelings. But I'm also 3+ years past the original betrayal, so it's been some time.

I was thinking of it more yesterday, and with infidelity I've noticed betrayed spouses have a defence mechanism they use to rationalize. Some version of "at least x didn't happen." A way to self sooth.

...At least is was only an emotional affair
...At least is was only a 1 night stand
...At least they only had sex x times
...At least the sex was bad
...At least when he/she was caught, he/she ended it
...etc...

I don't have a lot a lot of "at leasts" and I've basically used two of them to cope. 1) Sexual experiences I had while we were separated, 2) At least the sex we have now is BETTER than it ever was. 

The problem with these rationalizations is that either I use past experiences that create a barrier to intimacy (which I've been trying to avoid) or when the sex stops being better, for various reasons that have more to do with life and commitments, my rationalization disappears. And I spiral. 

Thinking it through, it feels like I need a better "at least" to grab on to. A gratitude list:

I'm grateful love has prevailed.
I'm grateful she's making positive steps to understand me and be more loving.
I'm grateful the relationship has survived and is better in many ways.
I'm grateful I've shed some superficial beliefs around love and relationships.
I'm grateful I have my family back. 
I'm grateful I have personally grown from this experience.
...

You get the idea.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh Idk. I think women like both romanctic and erotic sex. In fact my ex was waaaaaaaaay more erotic than romantic. Sometimes I'd wish he'd be more romantic. But he was a freak to my pleasure.
> 
> He def was very creative and adventerous. I totally dug it.
> 
> I agree with people telling you she chose YOU. So that is great. SPice it up. Try something different. Wine her. Dine her. Then blow her mind.


:iagree: A steady diet of gentle romantic sex would drive me nutso.

A mixture of romantic, erotic, raunchy to damn right nasty occasionally makes an exciting sex life. 

I was and still am to some degree, fairly inhibited but, when I feel safe and accepted by my husband I will try just about anything that involves just us. 

I think most woman are like me so don't be inhibited about testing the waters on the wild side.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I can tell you SS that for me while the actual memory never goes the affect of the memory on the emotions does. Way back in the late 70s I caught my wife with another man. At the time we had two kiddies so I kept it together as I didn’t want to be a distant father. It took a while to work through and after a few years I’d “forgotten” all about. In essence what I mean is I never thought about it. Life went on and we spent the next 30 or so years together. Strange but my triggers were when my wife “accused” me of something from the past and I used to think “Yeh righto”. That happened just a few times and I had to re-heal the old wounds.

Gratitude. Yes count our blessings is a great way to go about it and it replaces negative thoughts with positive ones. If we “try and forget it” we never do because that’s focusing on the thing we’re trying to forget. Replacement thoughts, especially about the future, and replacement activities are the way to go. Kudos to you SS.

Bob


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## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Oh please. If 90% goes on outside the bedroom then 100% of throwing her trick ass out does too. Of course it means something. They weren't going to the opera they were ****ing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amen!


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