# I'm the only one?



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I hope not. At times blame yourself for the affair? When I do I get so mad at myself as well as MH and then I will pick little fights with him just to make me feel better. I know crazy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Easy to get in that frame of mind. We know we aren't to blame, but understanding that? Not so easy.

My one girl friend left me for a woman. And yes, I felt I was to blame. And it IS crazy.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> I hope not. At times blame yourself for the affair? When I do I get so mad at myself as well as MH and then I will pick little fights with him just to make me feel better. I know crazy.


Yes, I have done that as well...I find I will bring it up alot so I can vent to him..because then I seem to feel better afterwards..not healthy at all. I am trying to work thru it and practice learning to calm myself down by writing/deep breathing, etc. in order to get thru it..because the angry/venty feelings does pass after a little while.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think getting my wife to cry at the earlier stages after Dday made me feel better. It wasn't schadenfreud, more of the fact I felt she cared or was remorseful. kind of twisted, really


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

lovemylife26 said:


> I hope not. At times blame yourself for the affair? When I do I get so mad at myself as well as MH and then I will pick little fights with him just to make me feel better. I know crazy.


Why should BS blame themselves for their WS affairs? It is their choice to get into the affair. Concealing their intentions, ah.

Why should they remain in a marriage if it is not worth for them?

I did not blame myself, however, I wanted badly to save the marriage. Then, I stumbled upon TAM. I understood. I am not to blame. That is clear and bold.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Don’t feel to bad about it. Just ‘enhance’ your perspective. What probably bothers you is his excuses can have validity in them. Those are marriage issues. You probably helped create some of those issues. Own them, work on them, and so forth.

Then there is the adultery. I like to think along this line: I think of women I might be attracted to, that I like, that I talk to. I reflect whether or not my wife has anything at all to do with how I feel about these other people. She doesn’t. Not one bit. How I feel is my own and my wife can’t make me feel any particular way about them and she sure can’t control how far I’d be willing to let those relationship go.

So, when she goes off on what a horrible husband I was and how I drove her to do this...... I just remind her of how things stand today and ask her to justify why I shouldn’t follow her example. I’ve got a longer list of issues than she had to deal with before being ‘driven’ into another’s arms. She can’t have her cake, and by her justifications, I should have a girlfriend and she should be comfortable knowing she deserves it. Just keep going back to ‘why was it ok for you and wouldn’t be for me?... and whether he really believes he can control you like that either... Can he really stop you from cheating? Nope. That is your own choice to make, just as it was his.

Go ahead and feel remorse for the things you did to him in your marriage. It’s ok. Work on those until you can look in the mirror without that regret and he can also forgive. But do not associate them as ‘the reason’ for why he was with someone else; That is a different issue. He made that choice all on his own and you can’t control that. You can only control yourself.

Make sense?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

after my the breakdown of marriage and WW first emotional affair, i did a lot of self introspection. i spent weeks thinking about things i could have done or did wrong. i came to the conclusion that i made many mistakes. but i always knew i tried to love her the best i could.
i reminded myself that she would admit every now and then that "95% of our relationship problems are my fault". still, i did blame myself a bit. i think its a good thing to self reflect on our faults and what we could have done better, if for no other reason than for the reconcialtion (if there is any) or the next relationship.

in the end though it was her decision. i know i was a good man, and she admitted it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It's normal to blame yourself at some point. My husband blamed himself for my first EA.My second one, I think he was at a point where he just didn't care anymore, which is when he chose to get involved in one of his own. And, I blamed myself for him starting his own. I still have days when I feel that way..."if only I hadn't..." But then I remember that he still CHOSE to take that path, just as I CHOSE to do that before, twice. But, to answer your question, no, you're not the only one to feel this way. Just don't let that thought consume you, and don't let your WS overwhelm you with that thought. WS betrayed you, and made that choice.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

The feeling that one is to blame for the WS affair is pretty common I think. I knew from the get-go that I wasn't to blame for her EA, even before finding this site and learning exactly why that is. But she blamed me early on and had all kinds of reasons, and those stuck with me and entered my mind now and then even though I never accepted blame. So even if you start off with the right attitude, it can still get you feeling guilty. It's normal and you just have to work on not letting those feelings get out of hand.

ADD: Sometimes my guilt comes from 3rd parties, almost making me feel guilty that the A happened, but also that maybe I was wrong to be mad for her EA all along. For example, there was an article on Yahoo yesterday I think that describes what I would consider being the beginning of an EA as being healthy and normal. I should find the link. It had me really questioning myself and feeling guilty that I wasn't perfect, and that I was also wrong to ever have gotten mad for her actions. Fortunately I read some of the comments down below the article and people really took the author/therapist to task:

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/9-marriage-problems-actually-good-relationship-162500900.html;_ylt=AhoGnh4Gw3hugXqY96_YJXvyWed_;_ylu=X3oDMTFvbGRjaGg4BG1pdANIQ01PTCBvbiBBcnRpY2xlBHBrZwNpZC0yMzIyMDUyBHBvcwMzBHNlYwNoY20EdmVyAzEx;_ylg=X3oDMTM3cjJsYXA1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDZDFjZDA4OTUtMWU4NC0zMTNmLThjMTMtN2Q5M2E5OTZjNjA1BHBzdGNhdAN3b3JsZHx3b3JsZCUyRkNhbmFkYQRwdANzdG9yeXBhZ2U-;_ylv=3


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If I believed my WS over the first several months following D-day yea I would be to blame. 

I will not ever accept blame for what she did. And she has tried to blame me.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I contributed to the marriage problems pre-affair so I own that but the choice to engage in an A to escape our problems was 100% on my WH. I was unhappy too but the thought of my kids finding out that I was having an A was enough of a deterrent for me not to engage in one and it should have been for my H too. I also respected him as the father of my children even if I wasn't feeling very in love with him at the time.

On D-day, my WH told me his justifications for the A but he was adamant that I was not to blame for his poor decisions at all. Luckily, he had done some soul-searching in the weeks before D-day, had stopped seeing his OW and was prepared to fully own the A and not blame me. I would have found it harder to R if he had dumped the blame on me after D-day as he did a lot of blameshifting prior.

So I blame myself for my issues and I know I could have been a better wife but no one is the perfect spouse. I could also find "justifications" for an A if I truly wanted to delude myself into thinking that cheating was ever justified. I will not be riding that crazy train however...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Good Dog said:


> ADD: Sometimes my guilt comes from 3rd parties, almost making me feel guilty that the A happened, but also that maybe I was wrong to be mad for her EA all along. For example, there was an article on Yahoo yesterday I think that describes what I would consider being the beginning of an EA as being healthy and normal. I should find the link. It had me really questioning myself and feeling guilty that I wasn't perfect, and that I was also wrong to ever have gotten mad for her actions. Fortunately I read some of the comments down below the article and people really took the author/therapist to task:
> 
> 9 Marriage Problems that Are Actually Good for Your Relationship | Love + Sex - Yahoo! Shine


OMG! I went to this article...I was ready to spit nails! Then I read the comments. Good to see that there are many people who actually hold marriage to be sacred.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> OMG! I went to this article...I was ready to spit nails! Then I read the comments. Good to see that there are many people who actually hold marriage to be sacred.


I read the article as well..yikes! Not good..flirting online and your H being close to a female colleague..I don't think so. Some of that is crazy and the start of an EA, if not more.

My god if the author of the article could see some of the devestation that flirting online, close to colleague, etc. has caused people on here....


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

My first seven days were absolute hell. I had no answers, only blame shifting. I went to the Dr and got some meds. Once I had a sitdown with the stbxw and heard from her mouth she wanted to be a WAW, I wrote her a factual letter, from the heart, putting blame where it belonged. On her. She has not blamed me once since then and actually apologized several times for hurting me when I didnt deserve it. I pulled up my big boy pants and I turned 180. If I said I dont get triggers or doubts, I would be lying. I get them everyday but they are getting shorter and less frequent. I printed out the turning 180 and read it when I start getting that way. Then I jump on here and vent. Seems to be working but I got a long way to go.


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