# Frustrated by Wifes lack of desire



## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

I have been with my wife for over 20yrs and have always had a higher sex drive but the last few years it feels like I have to beg for it and if I ask to much she gets mad. It also seems like it has to be the perfect time when their is no kids home or every one is asleep. We were separated a few years ago and were able to get back together and through counseling agreed to make more time for each other both in and out of the bedroom. For the first year I would push to make the plans for movies or dinner but for the last year their is always some reason why we cant get away together. Sex has also been a problem as I really would like to have sex 4-5 times a month and I am lucky to have sex twice a month and sometimes less. I feel like if I did not bring it up or ask when we can have some time together she would be fine with not having it at all. I really need some help as I don't know what to do because when I try to talk with her about it she shuts me down or gets mad.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

MJ60 said:


> I have been with my wife for over 20yrs and have always had a higher sex drive but the last few years it feels like I have to beg for it and if I ask to much she gets mad. It also seems like it has to be the perfect time when their is no kids home or every one is asleep. We were separated a few years ago and were able to get back together and through counseling agreed to make more time for each other both in and out of the bedroom. For the first year I would push to make the plans for movies or dinner but for the last year their is always some reason why we cant get away together. Sex has also been a problem as I really would like to have sex 4-5 times a month and I am lucky to have sex twice a month and sometimes less. I feel like if I did not bring it up or ask when we can have some time together she would be fine with not having it at all. I really need some help as I don't know what to do because when I try to talk with her about it she shuts me down or gets mad.


The sex level is quite low. A few questions if you don't mind:
Do you think the reason you separated has anything to do with the sex issues?
How old is she? Is she going through menopause?
Does she get horny at all - sexual thoughts, fantasies, porn, masturbate?
Is she on any medication that may have an impact on her sex drive eg. antidepressants?

That she won't talk to you about it or gets mad is not good. Would she agree to go back to counseling?


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

Thanks for the reply, Yes we separated because I was really frustrated with sex and our relationship. She is 45 and is not currently going through menopause as she still gets regular periods. She has not iniciated sex for many years, dose not masturbate and has not been horny for a long time. She is not on any medications. She is the one that stopped the counseling and will not agree to go back.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Would you say she defines herself by who she is - with an interesting personality, someone who enjoys life, etc - or by what she does for others - mom, employee, volunteer -

If all she sees herself is the mom or the engineer or accountant or school volunteer this needs to change so that she can see herself as a woman who enjoys things in life.

We all tend to fall into our slot and not wiggle around long enough to see other things.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

What about you, my friend?

How's your fitness level?

What's your weight?

When exactly did you begin to "beg?" Did something happen around this time that would cause a shift in her behavior?

What is her fitness level and weight?

Does anyone in her family suffer from depression?

Has she talked with her physician about this problem?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

john117 said:


> Would you say she defines herself by who she is - with an interesting personality, someone who enjoys life, etc - or by what she does for others - mom, employee, volunteer -
> 
> If all she sees herself is the mom or the engineer or accountant or school volunteer this needs to change so that she can see herself as a woman who enjoys things in life.
> 
> We all tend to fall into our slot and not wiggle around long enough to see other things.


:iagree:

I would also add that the OP needs to change things so that she sees him as a man to enjoy things in life with. Just as she has put herself into slots, she has likely put the OP in certain slots as well. Getting back to the roles of when they were dating can be very helpful in jump starting the relationship again, including sex.


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

I think she can see herself as some of both roles. As for me I am a power lifter who hits the gym 3-4 times a week. I am 255 pounds and bench over 400lb but I am not ripped and I do have some weight that I could lose to call myself buff. I feel like I had to push for sex after we had our first two kids and it has progressively gotten worse since. As far as my wife she looks great, she could use to lose 15 but I think she looks great and always tell her that. In fact after some counseling and research after we were separated I tried to really step up my awareness to try to make sure I complemented her often and tell her when she dose things that make me feel good. I also made sure I did a lot around the house and helped out much more than I used too. Their was still no change in our situation.
She dose not have depression in her family and I have asked her to talk to her doctor and she refuses.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MJ60 said:


> I think she can see herself as some of both roles. As for me I am a power lifter who hits the gym 3-4 times a week. I am 255 pounds and bench over 400lb but I am not ripped and I do have some weight that I could lose to call myself buff. I feel like I had to push for sex after we had our first two kids and it has progressively gotten worse since. As far as my wife she looks great, she could use to lose 15 but I think she looks great and always tell her that. In fact after some counseling and research after we were separated I tried to really step up my awareness to try to make sure I complemented her often and tell her when she dose things that make me feel good. I also made sure I did a lot around the house and helped out much more than I used too. Their was still no change in our situation.
> She dose not have depression in her family and I have asked her to talk to her doctor and she refuses.


Helping out usually doesn't help with attraction issues, UNLESS the other person was being completely neglected.

For attraction issues, you have to become more attractive. Does anyone else fire her jets up? 

Get an idea of what she needs to see, what she needs to hear, how she needs things to be handled.

You know that begging and appearing to be "needy" ( and I know this is impossible not to if your needs are being starved ), is going to hurt your attractiveness and her desire for you.


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## UserName1 (Oct 22, 2013)

Welcome to the "no sex" club (I know, it really isnt funny). I'm lucky to get it 4-5 a year, let alone a month. I'm new here myself and don't have it all figured out either, but I'm making progress. Are you sure she does not have a medical issue causing hormone issues? That's priority #1. If she does, not much else will help you. Are you aware of the MMSL, MAP and No More Mr Nice Guy books? If not, you should. And sooner than later. 

In a nutshell, make YOU the best that you can be. Not only will you be a better person (confident, happier, etc) it changes the whole dynamic. If she knows you are capable of "moving on", she has to make a choice. Now YOU are in the driver's seat. There is probably nothing more you can say with words. Do it with your own actions and hopefully she will respond positively. If not, you're in a better position (no pun intended) to move on with your life.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

UserName1 said:


> Welcome to the "no sex" club (I know, it really isnt funny). I'm lucky to get it 4-5 a year, let alone a month. I'm new here myself and don't have it all figured out either, but I'm making progress. Are you sure she does not have a medical issue causing hormone issues? That's priority #1. If she does, not much else will help you. Are you aware of the MMSL, MAP and No More Mr Nice Guy books? If not, you should. And sooner than later.


May as well MAN UP in the no sex club! Make it your strength. The thing about the hormonal inbalances is many women will not consider this, and you can preach till you are blue in the face, they will just say this is how I am. When it can be simply some hormone levels too low or out of wack affecting her sex drive, and even her entire quality of LIFE.



UserName1 said:


> In a nutshell, make YOU the best that you can be. Not only will you be a better person (confident, happier, etc) it changes the whole dynamic. If she knows you are capable of "moving on", she has to make a choice. Now YOU are in the driver's seat. There is probably nothing more you can say with words. Do it with your own actions and hopefully she will respond positively. If not, you're in a better position (no pun intended) to move on with your life.


I think that knowing you can "move on", knowing that you can have other ladies at will, knowing that other women finds you attractive and would love to bang you, really HELP alot. Even a woman without a sex drive will claim her man if she senses other wolves who are starving for him like a piece of meat!


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Women at that age can have health issues that can signiificantly kill the libido. Trust me, I know from personal experience. We were down to 1-2 a month and now are pretty much daily.

Does she go to her annual well-woman exams? And if so, does she discuss her sex drive with her GYN? There are issues that cause pain during sex, low drive, and lethargy due to extremely heavy periods. 

Sometimes it really is that she just isn't into you...but don't assume! Please rule out health issues before you throw in the towel.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Women at that age can have health issues that can signiificantly kill the libido. Trust me, I know from personal experience. We were down to 1-2 a month and now are pretty much daily.
> 
> Does she go to her annual well-woman exams? And if so, does she discuss her sex drive with her GYN? There are issues that cause pain during sex, low drive, and lethargy due to extremely heavy periods.
> 
> Sometimes it really is that she just isn't into you...but don't assume! Please rule out health issues before you throw in the towel.


Sometimes they are not into you! But at the same breath they can not be into you and later on they CAN. Take control of your life.

I am a fan of ensuring that the hormone and nutritional levels are intact! How much would that suck if you wasted years on trying to get it, when it was always just hormonal.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Sometimes they are not into you! But at the same breath they can not be into you and later on they CAN. Take control of your life.
> 
> I am a fan of ensuring that the hormone and nutritional levels are intact! How much would that suck if you wasted years on trying to get it, when it was always just hormonal.


So true. After I recovered from my hysterectomy and rediscovered that sex was FUN, I felt like Homer Simpson face-palming and saying "D'OH!!!!". What a waste of time. And my H thought I didn't care for him anymore. How many marriages are impacted by sh!t like this?

But I am living proof that you can get it back.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> So true. After I recovered from my hysterectomy and rediscovered that sex was FUN, I felt like Homer Simpson face-palming and saying "D'OH!!!!". What a waste of time. And my H thought I didn't care for him anymore. How many marriages are impacted by sh!t like this?
> 
> But I am living proof that you can get it back.


Way to start off the new years!


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

MJ60 said:


> I think she can see herself as some of both roles. As for me I am a power lifter who hits the gym 3-4 times a week. I am 255 pounds and bench over 400lb but I am not ripped and I do have some weight that I could lose to call myself buff. I feel like I had to push for sex after we had our first two kids and it has progressively gotten worse since. As far as my wife she looks great, she could use to lose 15 but I think she looks great and always tell her that. In fact after some counseling and research after we were separated I tried to really step up my awareness to try to make sure I complemented her often and tell her when she dose things that make me feel good. I also made sure I did a lot around the house and helped out much more than I used too. Their was still no change in our situation.
> She dose not have depression in her family and I have asked her to talk to her doctor and she refuses.


It sounds like you've made changes after you two reunited after the separation but she didn't - is that right?

Sounds like she is cool not having a sex drive - I know I wouldn't be.

My husband does clean the pots occasionally while I clear the table/load the dishwasher. Doesn't affect my libido though. A man cleaning the house doesn't make me horny - appreciative maybe. I don't know if taking on more chores will make her want you, sorry to say.

It is a pity she won't go to the doctor to find out if there is a medical reason. She needs to know how serious you are about this and to want to do something about it. She needs to give it an honest effort.


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## sounhappy (Jul 15, 2012)

MJ60 said:


> She is the one that stopped the counseling and will not agree to go back.


Seems to me there is something she is afraid to discus. You need to ask and find out why she refuses to go back to counseling.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Regardless of what the reason is, her refusal to do anything about it is not on. There are 2 people in your marriage, not just her!

It may be something you have done but how are you supposed to try to fix it if she won't tell you what it is??

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that your marriage is at risk if something doesn't change dramatically, and now.

She is betraying her marriage vows by withholding sex.


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

I don't know what to do as I feel like I am stuck and not comfortable with talking about it with her as it just makes things worse. I fell like I have to do something dramatic in order for things to change. Was thinking that I should move out and tell her I need some time to think about our situation?


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## Ponytail32 (Jan 1, 2014)

Not being mean but put yourself in her mind for once,she sees you going to the gym 3-4 times a week and she sees you losing weight and getting semi buff meanwhile she's at home with the kids 24-7 being mom a house wife and maybe a little time for herself,Maybe she might like to go to the gym too and loose weight and fit in the clothes that she used to fit in before she had children.
I know that you try to make it better buy doing some of the house work but to her that's just house work nothing else.(no brownie points)
Buy her things like you used to for (eg)surprise her with flowers,a gift like new shoes new clothes that you put time and effort in too,and at home romantic dinner for two with no kids or when the kids are gone to bed (late dinner),don't keep asking her for sex all the time or hinting for it that will give you a negative response then your back to square one.

I know i have my own problems Libido wise but maybe this will help.

. good luck


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

Yea I her you but I do pull at least half the load of taking care of house stuff, clothes, cooking and taking care of the kids. Not to get brownie points but because I feel like we are a team. Flowers and gifts get them on a regular basis at least 1x per month some times more.


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

I just read one of the other posts and they referenced that their wife wont kiss them. My wife will give me a regular kiss and when we have sex she will give me a quick kiss but will not kiss me deep or passionately. I had not thought about this but maybe that means something? Dose that mean she is not really into me anymore?


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## endlessdrought (Jan 1, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> So true. After I recovered from my hysterectomy and rediscovered that sex was FUN, I felt like Homer Simpson face-palming and saying "D'OH!!!!". What a waste of time. And my H thought I didn't care for him anymore. How many marriages
> are impacted by sh!t like this?
> 
> 
> But I am living proof that you can get it back.


My W's desire level was declining before her hysterectomy about 4 years ago. Now its pretty much history. She told me once the she would be just as happy if she never had sex again. But she does seem to want it about every 6-8 weeks. 
How do I get her to even think about asking her doctor?
The lack of sex is bad enough but the total lack of simple affection is almost unbearable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

Man that is no good I hope your situation improves, I know that I will be in a different relationship if my wifes desire gets any worse.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Ponytail32 said:


> Not being mean but put yourself in her mind for once,she sees you going to the gym 3-4 times a week and she sees you losing weight and getting semi buff meanwhile she's at home with the kids 24-7 being mom a house wife and maybe a little time for herself,Maybe she might like to go to the gym too and loose weight and fit in the clothes that she used to fit in before she had children.
> I know that you try to make it better buy doing some of the house work but to her that's just house work nothing else.(no brownie points)
> Buy her things like you used to for (eg)surprise her with flowers,a gift like new shoes new clothes that you put time and effort in too,and at home romantic dinner for two with no kids or when the kids are gone to bed (late dinner),don't keep asking her for sex all the time or hinting for it that will give you a negative response then your back to square one.
> 
> ...


Ridiculous.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Ridiculous.



Nothing worse than rewarding bed behavior. Training her to ignore your needs.


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## Mike_O (Aug 3, 2011)

MJ60 said:


> I have been with my wife for over 20yrs ... I really need some help as I don't know what to do because when I try to talk with her about it she shuts me down or gets mad.





MJ60 said:


> ...She is the one that stopped the counseling and will not agree to go back.


Although your complaint is about lack of sex, I think you have correctly identified the bigger issues: lack of communication and willingness to work on the marriage - so not just sex. This reality might be hard to accept when you have 20+ years invested in the relationship.

It seems to me that if you want your marriage to continue and flourish then significant changes need to happen and, unfortunately, may not happen unless BOTH partners participate.

What can you do to communicate better with your spouse?


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## MJ60 (Jan 3, 2014)

Good point, Communication on anything that involves change has been hard because she just gets mad and then I am not good when things get heated as I get off track on the points I was going to make.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

I think women just go through phases man. My wife and I haven't been at it like rabbits recently. It comes to a point where I begin to regard myself as a perv even trying it. Then maybe if I do get rejected due to a wealth if excuses. Or more recently has to be drunk to do it. Pisses me off. Its not always been like it though. Talking rarely helps I've found anyway. Might in the short term possibly. I hold sex on my priority list as all men but women don't . if you Definetly know she won't ever change...get your coat.

Women fail to get that there version of intimacy is different to ours. Like feeling close and secure for them are different. Where as for us..its the body! 

I will say though when we do make love..or sex lol..dependant on time. Its usually fantastic. If it was a dogs dinner then I'd think something wrong.

Your best bet is to get away do something totally different..for a weekend..then see what happens.
Not different restaurant..I mean totally different.


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## endlessdrought (Jan 1, 2014)

After a wordless (body language speaks loudly) rejection this morning, W asked why I seemed pissed. All I said was I would like a little sex ever now and then. She hasn't spoken to me since, not even when I left for work. Could she be that clueless about frequency?


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

No she's just not interested. Talking about not doing it will most probably make it worse. Like pressure for her. Just be a ray of sunshine from now on.I'll get her spitting feathers


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Same boat here. Wife has zero sex drive, doesn't think about sex, doesn't masturbate, nothing. We're in our mid to late 40's with two little kids, and she's 100% all about the kids, and when the kids are sleeping, all she wants to do is rest. If she could go the rest of her life without sex, she'd be just fine with that. I don't even bother bringing it up. 

I feel for you, OP and others. It sucks when your SO has no interest in sex and comes up with a variety of reasons why they don't want sex. This is a classic case of "if I would have known....", and in my case, it's not just the lack of sex.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

*Re: Re: Frustrated by Wifes lack of desire*



ChargingCharlie said:


> Same boat here. Wife has zero sex drive, doesn't think about sex, doesn't masturbate, nothing. We're in our mid to late 40's with two little kids, and she's 100% all about the kids, and when the kids are sleeping, all she wants to do is rest. If she could go the rest of her life without sex, she'd be just fine with that. I don't even bother bringing it up.
> 
> I feel for you, OP and others. It sucks when your SO has no interest in sex and comes up with a variety of reasons why they don't want sex. This is a classic case of "if I would have known....", and in my case, it's not just the lack of sex.



Lol that line at the end is hilarious from an outside perspective.


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## endlessdrought (Jan 1, 2014)

solvency7 said:


> No she's just not interested. Talking about not doing it will most probably make it worse. Like pressure for her. Just be a ray of sunshine from now on.I'll get her spitting feathers


I have been a ray of sunshine for the last couple of years. Everything is wonderful as long as I say nothing about sex. We do it about every 6-8 weeks when she's ready. Apparently she has totally no clue as to the frequency. Now I am the bad guy for bring it up. Shame on me for causing problems in our marriage.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

I get what your on about to a certain degree I got that problem at the moment. With frequency. You sure there's nothing wrong like self esteem. Something on her body worrying her etc


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## endlessdrought (Jan 1, 2014)

She does have some body image issues. But how long does a loving husband have to tell his wife he thinks she's beautiful and hot before she comprehends that she is? Is she worried about what every man and woman in the world thinks about her or should she just be concerned about what her husband thinks? I really don't care what anyone thinks of me other than my wife. She is the only person I care to please or impress.


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## solvency7 (Jun 15, 2013)

Ahh. Yeah same here there's an area my wife doesn't like on her body. Which had got her attention more recently. Doesn't matter what I say makes no difference . hence frequency. She will get over it eventually turn it'll return etc till shed older and won't care!


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