# How to deal with Husband and 20 yr. old son?



## OhioGirl

Hello...some of you may recognize me from "Thinking about Divorce"

I am still having issues with my husband and 20 yr old son. and I can't live with this anymore, advice is really appreciated!

My husband and I met in HS and had our son my Junior year. We married when our son was 9 months old.

Things moved along, we had our issues (I've mentioned them in the other threads). We had our daughter when our son was 22 months old and another son who is now 13.

Anyway, by the time our oldest was 13 my H and son didn't talk much. Son came to me for sex talks, to learn how to shave, etc.

About this time he started wrestling in school (which my husband did not appreciate because he is into music). My son wrestled throught the rest of his HS career. He got good grades, but tended to have mostly jock friends.

When my husband moved our family clear across the country (our son was 16) he couldn't stand it that our son cried everyday after school because he missed his friends and socail life. Told him to grow up.

Son got decent grades and made it into a pretty good University. He has yet to declare a major, his grades have not been so good in college.

My H is always making comments about has he decided to join the miltary yet, is he going to be a philosepher again? Just stupid things.

About a yr ago my son got fed up with being snubbed and ignored by my husband. He left after we asked him not to.

Things didn't go well and he asked to move back in. We made a contract with things like:

You will clean up your mess in the kitchen, etc.
You will keep your room reasonably clean.

He pays $100 month in rent.

Now all my husband says is he doesn't clean up (he leaves a pan in the sink) or he doesn't do well in school (his physics grade was lacking).

My husband can not stand to have him in the same room ("He's in my space")

My husband says I am just babying him.

My husbands therapist says our son is trying to become a man...and we should give tough love.

I am having a very tough time dealing with this. My husband and I fight about our son all the time.

We do not fight so much about the other 2 kids.

Has anyone else been thru this?

Thanks!


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## turnera

Tough love for what? What's he doing wrong?

IMO, it sounds like the real issue is that your husband resents your son for some reason, and putting him down makes him feel better about himself. Ask him to work on THAT in therapy.


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## OhioGirl

My H insists thatour son is always in his space and that he is just a guest in our home. Since he moved out and back.

I guess the tough love is because my H feels our son is not growing up and that I baby him.

Our son works and goes to school full time.

My H's therapist is the one who says we need to be tough and not let our son feel like the Alpha male.

Apparently, I am not being part of the TEAM. A UNITED front against our son. And I do not give my H the benefit of the doubt when it comes to our son.

My H is very good at holding back his afftection if you do not behave in the manner of which is expected of you.

I believe that he is my son, I will love him no matter what.

He's a good kids anyway.

I think my H just wants them all out so he can have my undivided attention.


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## turnera

Very common in men.

In what way does your H think your son acts like an alpha male? I'm not seeing it in what you wrote.


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## OhioGirl

Well...

Apparently my OUR son is always in my H's space.

When trying to get ready in the morning for work, my son might be getting ready for school. So he's in the way.

When relaxing with the family in the evening, my son is also in the family room...on the couch. With his laptop and cell phone. My H says he CANNOT relax when OUR son is doing this.

Basiclly, if OUR son is anywhere around my H he is supposedly trying to show he is the ALPHA.

Really, it's ridicuous.

I picture in my head to billy goats butting heads.


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## turnera

Then I'd just ignore it. And let your husband know that if he keeps proposing such things, you'll start adjusting your schedule to be with your son, and not him. Give him a taste of his own medicine.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I think your husband is jealous and demanding on two counts.
#1 he sees his son as having the young adulthood that he did not. The grass is always greener, so to speak.
#2 your son is the very reason he did not have the young adulthood experience the same way.

Also, he might be afraid that if your son gets a girl pregnant, he would not be prepared for the consequences. And you and your H would have to support him through that.

And, your son has been around the entire marriage. Not a lot of time for the two of you, hope you get away from time to time. Especially since you have an adult to watch the house and younger kids while you're away. He should be able to manage this at his age, if he can't then yes, there is a problem with son, he will need help to mature.

Jealousy, regret, fear...
also you don't say anything about your H's childhood.
Except he was into music.
If he's not still doing that and he would like to, it might be a good time for him to do that. He probably needs a bit of late-adolescence experience in that respect. 

On the other hand it is good to cut the apron strings. When I was definitive with my 20 year old he said thanks he really needed that. My opinion at the time was that by helping your child even a little bit when it is preventive and not corrective, if they are generally following the rules and not a huge liability that leaves you thinking constantly about bail money and legal defense, you are sending a signal to them that you have low confidence in their ability. It's possible you didn't cut the apron strings permanently before, only loosened them a bit. It's different. Sends a different signal. I know for sure my son is an adult now. He treats me with respect, apologizes, calls to make plans, communicates well, and thanks me for stuff I just would have taken on myself before as a duty, he recognizes it as an actual favor. He is now graduated from being my son to someone I can trust completely as a friend to look out for my best interests, not to mooch off of me. Just a couple months shy of his 21st birthday. He is in a guard unit and goes to college with minimal support from myself. Right now he is in boot camp. On his college breaks he does not live here. Myself and the younger two visit him occasionally, it is a 4 hour drive one way and occasionally he visits here, with his gf usually. We do discuss our problems and issues but not with a view that we are obligated to actually do anything other than support each other.


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## turnera

Great points.


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## OhioGirl

Homemaker...

You do have some very good points.

I'm not sure what you mean but cutting the apron strings.

My son lives in our home, goes to school full time (which we do NOT pay for) and works as much full time as the retail business can let him.

He has his own car, and does his own thing.

All I ask is that he let us know if he's going to be in the house late, so he isn't blown away by a shotgun at 3am.

My biggest issue with all of this is my H either totally ignoring our son or blowing up at me about it.

He refuses to say much of anything to our son.

And #2 probably hit it right on the head...the other day my H said that we've made to many life changing decisions because of our son.

We have alot of time to ourselves.

The kids are alomost never around since they are 20, 18 and 13.

As a matter of fact we took a long weekend to Las Vegas in May. Leaving the youngest at a friends house.

My H has always been into music and still pursues it today. He plays percussion as well as bass.

Can I ask, how far away does your son go to school from you and when he is on break where does he stay?


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## turnera

Ohiogirl, what your son does or doesn't do is irrelevant, IMO. What's at issue here is the ISSUE your husband has with the kids. Probably something to do with some sort of resentment he has with you neglecting him in favor of the kids, which is fairly common; mind, this is HIS perception, not necessarily the truth - but it's valid to HIM, and therefore you have to address it. If you can't figure out what it is and why, it won't go away. Will he go to therapy with you so you can talk about it? You may end up having to either accept the behavior, or set some sort of boundary about it.


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## OhioGirl

Turnera,

We have gone to some counseling appts. and things seem to get better.

I told my H a few months back that I was leaving him and this promted him to seek counseling for himself.

In just a few therapy appts. he realised that he was acting like a child in the way he behaved about some things at home. But I feel like he is back sliding.

He says he is still going to the appts. but I will not know for sure.

I have an appt with OUR MC tonight and hope to have one next week with my H included.

Thank You so much for your thoughts!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OhioGirl said:


> Homemaker...
> Can I ask, how far away does your son go to school from you and when he is on break where does he stay?


It sounds like your son is very mature.
Can he have friends over and such...do you have to handle home phone calls for him, does he have his own bathroom and section of the fridge/cupboard for his food? What about TV, does he have his own? Internet access, does he use up all the bandwidth when he's home? Facebook, are you guys 'friends' and do you constantly look at his page? 

My son's college is 4 hours away.
On break, right now he's in boot camp.
Last year he was here during the summer but he worked landscaping so left early got back and slept, and then generally went hiking or cycling or out with friends. 

Other times he stays with friends, which is where he would rather be anyway. Some of his friends have large houses or like summer houses or their families do and so an extra guest is nice and they are set up for it. He has a girlfriend so spends a lot of his time with her and her family but they also visit here and go to her family's vacation place in a neighboring state. 

By cutting the apron strings I mean you don't monitor even things like what classes he is taking, grades, not even knowing where he is on a day to day basis... 

The way you know you've done this is you answer the phone and it's been a while and you say, who IS this? And you find out, that's your kid's voice. The one you have not been thinking about every single day. Then the landscape has changed. If they have an accident or whatever, you think, you will go and help if they ask for help, but you realize that it is no longer your job to help them adjust or whatever unless they specifically ask.

My son has a friend who had to distance himself from his nuclear family because the nuclear family had some issues. Their 'help' his first year of college was not very 'helpful'. Another friend the mom does hover but the friend has bipolar and so it is necessary. There have been car accidents, courts, not taking meds, etc. 

I know a lot of parents really want to help their kids through college. So I guess it has to be decided do you want to parent through college? If neither of you was parenting when you were your son's age, it's not something that's stored in your innate memory...so maybe some support group/counseling would be helpful. You are definitely in uncharted territory.

I hope you do see your 13 year old and spend time with him/her. 

Your H does seem to have some issues. He should be concerned about why he is blowing up on his child like that. It's also not good for the other kids to see that. As they mature, they need to feel secure. 

I don't think the transition to adulthood is ever easy. Cutting the apron strings for me ended up being just that - a definitive cutting. Kind of like when they cut the umbilical cord and then sure enough, baby really does find a new way to eat. 

I do think your H wants you all to himself but probably he thinks it would be selfish to say so. Is there any way you can set up an in-law apartment in your house and move into it? Maybe a garage apartment or something?


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