# Is contact with an ex-spouse ever acceptable after the kids are grown?



## missinaibi

My husband has been spending time with the XW and it makes me LIVID! Not only is he SEEING her but he's also LYING about how often he is seeing her! He divorced the XW 15 YEARS ago. My "step" kids are in their 20's, married and each with a kid of their own. My husband was COMPLETELY out of contact with the XW for 5 years and they had ALMOST ZERO contact for the last 9 years when the kids thankfully decided they didn't want to see her anymore. My husband divorced the XW because she's a mentally ill nutjob and medications didn't even help. 

After being COMPLETELY out of contact now MY husband is acting like he's the XW's husband again. The XW left my husband as HER medical emergency contact because she chased everyone else out of her life. 9 months ago she went off her meds, was on the streets, turned up at the psych ward after "attempting suicide" (attempting attention) and MY husband was called. Worse is that he WENT and now he KEEPS seeing her. 

My husband feels bad for divorcing her after she went haywire, and for taking the kids. Are you kidding me? My husband's kids have NO contact with their biological "mother" BY THEIR CHOICE. They are adults and can make choices for themselves. It has been 7 years since they've seen or talked to her. 7 YEARS! They have been adults most of that time. They didn't want her at their high school graduations, university graduations or weddings, and she doesn't know they have children. My husband wants the kids to reconnect with their biological "mother" out of his own guilt that he shouldn't even have and blames ME and himself for protecting the kids. They turned into happy, healthy, successful, loving, smart adults. Who ****ing knows what would have happened if they had stayed with their biological "mother". 

My husband has been going to check up on the XW because she is too paranoid to use a phone. He found her an apartment, takes her groceries, picks up her prescriptions AND takes her once a month to get injected with whatever keeps her reasonably sane. We go on a vacation every summer and he REFUSES to go this year because who will check up on whackjob-dearest?!? My husband gave her 25 ****ing grand of his inheritance. He has already been paying her $1800/month for 15 ****ing years! I put a GPS app on his phone and he's been LYING about where he is and goes to see her. I asked him about it and he lied straight to my face. I confronted him about it and he blamed ME for it because I won't allow him to play husband to two women. Yeah SURE, I'm the **** spouse for not wanting to share. I'm tempted to tell him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. 

This isn't okay right? How do I smack some sense into him? This has gone on long enough.


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## Marc878

Nope. An x in the mix is never a good thing.

If you're smart you tell him her or me. If he doesn't get his head out of his ass file and move on.

Never give an ultimatum unles you're prepared to follow through.

If not you'll wallow in this long term.

Better wake up


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## LimaTango

I'm with marc878 on this.

This level of interaction with XW is waaaaaay over the line. no question.

You shouldn't have to put up with that. Fully support you putting your foot down and tell him to pick one. (But really, isn't it likely he's having an affair with her with this much visitation?).


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## Mr.Married

Way over the line


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## Andy1001

Time to talk to the lawyers I’m afraid.


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## MattMatt

Guilt makes people do some very weird things.

However he needs to stop.

It's possible that her suicide attempt had triggered off coping methods that he employed whilst he was married to her.

In some instances such behaviour would be commendable. But NOT for a married man.

I feel that an intervention is called for with marriage counselling and individual counselling for your husband to help deprogramme your husband from his need to expunge his guilty feelings over, as he might see it, abandoning a mentally Ill woman.


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## Cat Lady

Sounds like it’s time for a ‘her or me’ conversation. Offer to help him find a therapist who will help him get over his feelings of guilt, because if he doesn’t you’re in for a rough ride my dear.


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## Deejo

I'm curious to know what exactly you are concerned about?

She sounds like an extremely damaged and unhealthy person that isn't capable of taking care of herself.

Is your concern that he's going to start something up with her? Does that even seem remotely likely to you?


Have you even discussed with him what the end game is here?

Reading some of the other responses you have gotten just makes me shake my head. So ... you can have a rational discussion about why he is inviting the apparent chaos this woman brings with her, back into his life, or per suggestions here; you can divorce him. 

There isn't remotely enough information here to provide any kind of informed input about the nature of your relationship to your husband, or the relationship between he and his ex.

To me, this reads like your husband is being a decent human being rather than a guy out chasing ass.

If per his responses to you, regarding this situation, he has given you reason to suspect his motives, or your relationship with your husband was already struggling for other reasons, well that would certainly shed some different light.


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## Married but Happy

His behavior is far in excess of reasonable. However, there are plenty of situations where contact with an ex is normal even when the kids are grown: graduations, marriages, grandchildren's birthdays, etc.


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## sa58

I don't think he is looking to start an affair 
with his ex. She sounds like she has a lot of
problems and nobody but him to turn to. Her 
kids and everyone else are out of her life. He was
called because he is the only one.

Your husband wants the kids to reconnect because 
she needs help. An attempted suicide is a cry for help.
If she needs medication she should be taking it. She needs 
more help however than I think he can give her.

I agree that he should not be lying to you about going and seeing
her. That is 100 % wrong in my viewpoint. He should not be giving her 
any large amounts of money either. She is his ex and the mother of his
children however. He feels guilty about her having to be alone and seeing 
her the way she is. 

I would suggest talking with him about this. Counseling may be needed for you 
and him He cannot care for her long term at the cost of losing his wife and family.
He needs to explore other options. He needs to realize he cannot do this own his own.

You may have to take some unwanted steps however ( divorce action ) to get him to
see what he is doing to his life and yours.


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## missinaibi

Thank you for the feedback. It's much appreciated.


The short version: My husband married the XW in 1992 and had two kids in 1994 and 1996. In 2000 the XW started going crazy and by 2003 she was completely checked out of reality and it was BAD. I met my husband as a friend in 2002. My husband divorced in 2004 and we married in 2004. We won sole legal and physical custody and XW was given supervised visitation, which she rarely showed up for. My husband now says the ruling was unfair and was setting the XW up for failure and it's OUR fault. NO we protected the kids. My husband said XW was a very good mother at one point, maybe that's true, but by the time I was in the picture she was a HORRIBLE mother who couldn't meet her children's most basic needs. A child does NOT have to be beaten to be neglected! The kids stopped seeing her in 2010. My husband and I had kids togther in 2005 and 2009. We do not have any other major problems in our marraige. 



My main concerns are:
1) The amount of time that he is spending with her AND that he is lying to me about it THEN blaming me for needing to lie about it. He is refusing to go on family trips in order to check up on her. 

2) The amount of money that he is spending on her. He pays her $1800 a month in permanent alimony. He gave her $25000 of his inheritance. In addition to that he is buying her groceries and possibly other things as well. 

3) My husband wants the kids to reconnect with their biological "mother". If they wanted to have any contact with the XW then they would handle that themselves. They haven't seen the XW in 9 years and have not spoken to her in 7 years. They have NO relationship with her and he should NOT be pushing the issue. My husband showed the XW pictures of the kids and their families without permission and that is NOT acceptable! She sent the pictures back because she's too paranoid to have pictures, but she should NOT have seen them in the first place. 

4) Every so often my husband defends the XW and makes me out to be the bad guy. That is NOT acceptable!



The XW barely meets her basic needs but has survived for 15 years on her own. She does NOT need my husband, and even if she did need someone she does NOT get MY husband. I'm SHOCKED she is even letting my husband into her apartment and accepting groceries from him. She is extremely paranoid and can't distinguish what is real and what is not. My husband wants to keep checking up on her and helping her for as long as HE deems she needs it. She already gets 30% of his pay she does NOT need anything else from him. 

It is not my main concern, but there is a hair of worry that he could cheat on some level, yes. I don't think my husband would ever have a full blown relationship with her or leave for her because there is no way the XW is capable of that. I don't know how much the XW is capable of but she is getting SOMETHING from my husband. I met my husband before he divorced, and while that was a completely different situation, it shows that my husband is capable of meeting someone while married. 



I don't think my husband will believe an ultimatum of her or me. If that is what I do I will need to be ready to back it up with divorce papers while making the ultimatum. We have not done any counselling. I can find a counsellor and tell my husband to go. I'm not going to put up with it much longer.


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## 3Xnocharm

This is a big ol HELL NO. God I hate ex's! He is 100% out of line, you need to approach this ONCE. Her or me. Then go file for divorce because he isnt going to choose you. (because "you're insecure, you're controlling, she is the mother of my children, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH)


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## personofinterest

First, yes your husband is OVER involved and he should not be lying.



> I met my husband as a friend in 2002. My husband divorced in 2004 and we married in 2004.


This almost certainly means there was "overlap" in the relationships. Do you think knowing he was capable of cheating then makes you more insecure now?


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## missinaibi

personofinterest said:


> First, yes your husband is OVER involved and he should not be lying.
> 
> 
> 
> This almost certainly means there was "overlap" in the relationships. Do you think knowing he was capable of cheating then makes you more insecure now?


Of course it makes me insecure. I'd be a fool not to be insecure! My husband has the same insecurities. It is not often and is mostly remedied by being open and sharing everything. That doesn't help with the XW because she's too paranoid to use any technology. There would be no electronic trail IF my husband were cheating. He is full of regrets and starting our relationship when we did is one of those regrets. It was a long time ago and abnormal circumstances. That marriage hadn't ended but the person he married was long gone.


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## 3Xnocharm

missinaibi said:


> Of course it makes me insecure. I'd be a fool not to be insecure! My husband has the same insecurities. It is not often and is mostly remedied by being open and sharing everything. That doesn't help with the XW because she's too paranoid to use any technology. There would be no electronic trail IF my husband were cheating. He is full of regrets and starting our relationship when we did is one of those regrets. It was a long time ago and abnormal circumstances.* That marriage hadn't ended but the person he married was long gone.*


Evidently he is enjoying trying to FIND that person again! :wtf:


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## missinaibi

At least I know I'm not crazy. My husband thinks I'm a beotch. I need to put on my big girl pants and put my foot down.


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## 3Xnocharm

missinaibi said:


> At least I know I'm not crazy. My husband thinks I'm a beotch. I need to put on my big girl pants and put my foot down.


Nope, not crazy. He is out of line. 

My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife, so I am firmly in the NO EX's camp... I also have an ex bf who couldnt let go of his previous gf too, so yeah. Eff that.


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## Bibi1031

missinaibi said:


> Of course it makes me insecure. I'd be a fool not to be insecure! My husband has the same insecurities. It is not often and is mostly remedied by being open and sharing everything. That doesn't help with the XW because she's too paranoid to use any technology. There would be no electronic trail IF my husband were cheating. He is full of regrets and starting our relationship when we did is one of those regrets. It was a long time ago and abnormal circumstances. That marriage hadn't ended but the person he married was long gone.


He feels guilty for cheating on her with you. Guilt is useless and will screw him over. He now has two kids with you. His and her children are adults and don't want to see her. That is entirely on the kids to mend or not. You definitely have reason to worry. He broke vows then for whatever reason and that is what has him trapped. He is projecting when he blames you! You didn't break vows, he did. You made a mistake when you got involved with a married man. It doesn't matter that his then wife was a nut case. He should have ended that relationship before getting involved with you. He may not be able to get over that. 

It is time to get him to counseling. A good therapist will help him accept that he can't turn back the clock to the mistakes of the past. He has to forgive himself and let the past go. He needs to decide if he is going to continue to feel guilty and screw you and your marriage over or let go of the past and his X. He can't have both. It is dysfunctional to have both as well as unfair to you and all the kids.


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## Robert22205

Statistically, X's are high risk for infidelity. Your H has an obligation to make you feel safe from infidelity. Neither regular contact with the X or lying about it makes you feel safe. 

The phrase "She (or He) needs my advice/help" is the oldest excuse for maintaining a high risk/inappropriate relationship.

Your H is not trained to deal with her problems - and there is no justification for continued contact. Turn her over to a social worker. 

It doesn't matter whether he's motivated by guilt or love - it's high risk contact and makes you feel unsafe. Plus he has an obligation to invest that X time in his current family.

Since he's lying and refusing to go NC, you need to stop being ms nice. Inform him that he has to chose the X or you (that you have zero tolerance for his X).
See your attorney about the impact of a divorce etc - and let your husband know you're preparing to follow through if there's any further contact.


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## missinaibi

3Xnocharm said:


> Nope, not crazy. He is out of line.
> 
> My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife, so I am firmly in the NO EX's camp... I also have an ex bf who couldnt let go of his previous gf too, so yeah. Eff that.


Your husband went back to his first wife?? Wow. Are they still together? God help my husband if he does that. I don't know if I'd laugh or cry.


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## 3Xnocharm

missinaibi said:


> Your husband went back to his first wife?? Wow. Are they still together? God help my husband if he does that. I don't know if I'd laugh or cry.


Yep, and they are still together. They deserve each other and do the world a favor to stay together and away from other people lol. 

They had just divorced when we got together, and at one point they only communicated through me to avoid fighting. But she had all kinds of issues and little by little, they were back in contact because he had to "save" her. >>>EYEROLL<<< So yeah it ended up an EA (that I kept getting in trouble for getting upset with their contact... my pre TAM days) and him divorcing me while denying that he was going to be with her the whole time. Yeah like I am that stupid. She moved back in about two weeks after I left.


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## Bibi1031

missinaibi said:


> Your husband went back to his first wife?? Wow. Are they still together? God help my husband if he does that. I don't know if I'd laugh or cry.


Both. Guilt is tricky. He needs help letting go of past mistakes. We all make them. He will make more if he doesn't stop contact with the X. 

To be very Frank here. Your marriage may indeed be toast.


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