# Ex wants kids to live with her



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My Ex stated in an email several days ago she wanted to talk about the kids inquiries of moving up to live with her.(She lives thousands of miles away....her choice).
Well, I called my EX who had a bad connection and then called me right back. She was being exceptionally nice over the phone (she does this when she wants something) and I cut the BS and told her we need to discuss the status of the kids and where they are living. She replied, "Let me guess, you don't want the kids living with me". I said, that's correct. The mistake I made is I went on to explain what the kids told me contrary to what she told me (she said kids ask her all the time about living up there, why she can't move back home, etc. VS what they told me: son: mommy can live not in our town, but on the other side of town. Not too far, but close where I can still see her. Daughter: I haven't really thought about it too much. It doesn't matter to me right now. My EX stated that even though the kids asks her lots of questions about this topic, she always tells them that she never "left them" or "abandoned them" and loves them. I told her actions speaks louder than words and the kids are pretty sharp.
Of course, I spent 20 minutes too long talking with my EX because it quickly turned ugly. I warned her once if we can't speak without yelling , the conversation is over. At one point, I raised my voice because she kept interrupting me. So I told her to stop interrupting and let me talk very sternly, which she did. I tried telling her if she wants a better relationship with the kids, she can move back down to be closer to the kids. She said that's not an option and she doesn't have a choice with her having a job and having to pay child support. I told her that is BS. She made a choice to leave our family and go somewhere with no job at the time. She didn't really care what I had to say, so I told her conversation is over. She then went on saying, so you refuse to discuss this with me? Over and over. I said we're done here and hung up.
It felt good standing up for myself without feeling I had to walk on eggshells with her. No more Mr. Nice Guy. And mainly much of what I said is how I've felt for a long time and haven't been this blunt with her about it.
But afterwards, I realized I let her suck me in and I was a bit disappointed in myself. Should have only spent 60 seconds getting my point across and then ending the conversation.
Now, I am thinking of sending an email, that states something like this:
EX,
It's apparent we can not have a civil conversation regarding the living arrangements for the kids. The designated primary parent will remain the same based on our divorce decree. If you decide to establish a closer-distance relationship with the kids, your attorney can contact my attorney to discuss further.

What do you guys think? Or should I even engage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is a piece of work.

I think that you have already said too much. Let it be. Do not send her an email. 

If she calls again do not answer the phone. Let her send you emails and then do not reply to this topic. You have no reason to change the status quo. The only answer you should give her is "Custody is already set in the divorce decree."

Don't tell her to have her attorney contact yours on this topic.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Don't talk to her. Whatever is in the divorce degree is what she has to abide by. It's nonnegotiable. Don't allow yourself to get worked up by her. It's her problem, not yours. 

I don't know the details of your situation. Why did she move and how old are your kids? Sounds like she's a real piece of work. 

As bad as my husband has acted I do like that he's around for my son and hope he'll continue to be.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks for always being there for me Elegirl. I won't engage. There's no point now.
When you stated I said too much, were you suggesting it could be used against me in court or anything like that? Or did I just waste my energy engaging back and forth with her?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

She moved out because she had a nervous breakdown and was depressed/suicidal because the OM dumped her. So she left to stay with her cousin for the summer to heal and "find herself" leaving the kids with me. She then decided to stay to find work...and a BF who she moved in with immediately before I even told her I wanted a divorce. Of course, her BF is now an ex-BF who she is stuck living with till the lease is up.
Our kids is D11 and S6. Selfish mother, eh?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Thanks for always being there for me Elegirl. I won't engage. There's no point now.
> When you stated I said too much, were you suggesting it could be used against me in court or anything like that? Or did I just waste my energy engaging back and forth with her?


What I meant is that you let her suck you into her game as often happens. She knows how to push your buttons. Then you start to try to defend yourself and your position. 

She cannot use what you said in court. But she now knows a lot of what you might try to use to argue against her in court.

She also has words that you said about the way your children feel that she can use against you with the children. She can take your words and twist them to the children.

So just do not talk to her about this. She will have them for the summer again, right? If she has the money to pursue this in court he might try doing it when the children go there this summer. So don't give her anything she can use to confuse them and play with their minds when they are visiting with her.

Just practice telling her that it's already settled.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I understand. Damn! And I've been doing pretty good lately not to engage with her. I'm sure they'll be going this summer. Not sure if she'll have a lawyer because she's very much in debt and desperately trying to find another place to live because she's stuck living with her caustic ex-BF.
I am concerned of the manipulation and brainwashing. I won't brainwash my kids to keep them immune from my Ex's tactics, but I hope I can learn a way that will help my kids stay strong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's ok to slip up once in a while. We all do it. Over time it's easy to forget how manipulative a person can be. So you got your reminder. 

Just keep loving your kids and listening to what they say about their thoughts and feelings. Empathize with them and give them support. IF you do that they will be fine. Having one good parent who they are with most of the time will take them far in life.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> She moved out because she had a nervous breakdown and was depressed/suicidal because the OM dumped her. So she left to stay with her cousin for the summer to heal and "find herself" leaving the kids with me. She then decided to stay to find work...and a BF who she moved in with immediately before I even told her I wanted a divorce. Of course, her BF is now an ex-BF who she is stuck living with till the lease is up.
> Our kids is D11 and S6. Selfish mother, eh?


That's an understatement. She's not much of a mother at all. In fact, she's just plain disgusting as a human being. 

And now she wants the kids to live with her. Hah! What a joke. Do her kids even want to talk to her? 

My 18 year old daughter can't stand her father and he's done far less to me, but sad to say he's treated her pretty badly over the past two years and now he has to live with the consequences. He's keeps saying that "Time heals all wounds" but I think he's pretty much killed his relationshp with her. I warned him time after time about it. 

You can't sh*t all over your kids and expect them to keep loving you.

Your kids are lucky to have you. You need to protect them from such a toxic person. She did them a favor by moving away. 

I can't stand when people use their poor mental health as an excuse. She betrayed her marriage bows and abandoned her kids. That's pretty much it. Don't even give her the time of day.

I can't believe these kids have to stay with her during the summer. Is that in the divorce degree? 

In time they will be old enough to determine who they want to live with in any case, especially the 16 year old. You need to stay above all the game playing and be the solid, emotionally stable parent. Don't speak about her to the kids and if she says anything to them they won't even listen because of the example you are setting in their lives. She is acting like a child herself. Your kids are smart enough to see that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So your wife is trapped riding the Karma bus and is trying to find a way to jump off without looking like even more of an idiot?

I know its hard on your kids... but that aside, I think its totally delicious what is happening to her. 

I'm hateful that way. She deserves it. 

Don't talk to her anymore about the custody situation. If she wants it changed she can go hire a lawyer. 

Oh wait...she has no money.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Yeah, I'm a firm believer in Karma. When you make a string of bad choices and it becomes a habit, it's only a matter of time that it snowballs into a big problem.
As for no longer communicating with her about the kids, I'm at a bit of a crossroad here and please don't take it as me being weak. (And if I am go ahead and tell me).
I believed it is important for divorced parents to try to get along...for the kids sake. And yes, my EX goes bat****e crazy in seconds the minute she's not getting her way. 
Or I don't communicate at all? I don't think that's what you are suggesting. It might look bad to a judge down the road if I am refusing to even attempt further communication. 
So basically, if she has a question about something regarding child custody, I just reply with the standard: "it's already settled;see decree". If it's about something else having to do with the kids, I'll be open to communicate, but the second it gets ugly, I end the conversation. That's something I need to work on. Not getting sucked in to her angry emotional hamster.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> So basically, if she has a question about something regarding child custody, I just reply with the standard: "it's already settled;see decree". If it's about something else having to do with the kids, I'll be open to communicate, but the second it gets ugly, I end the conversation.


:smthumbup: Yep, you got it. That's how to handle it. 

I'm going to be starting to negotiate a child custody/support agreement with my STBXH right now and I'm not looking forward to it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's hard - I had to always bring the conversation back around by saying something like "You called to discuss X. If you have nothing else to add about X, then I'm going to hang up now." And I had to hang up many times. Finally he learned to stay on topic because he knew I'd hang up. The second round in court ended with the Judge ordering all communication was to be via email. It was THAT contentious.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I just hope my conversation which ended with her asking if I will not be discussing this topic with the kids with her, and me replaying "Yes", be a way she might try to go to a judge and say I am being an uncooperative parent. I've heard you can lose primary physical custody if the judge feels you are not supporting the mother's right to a relationship with the minor children. I hope I'm just overreacting .


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> I just hope my conversation which ended with her asking if I will not be discussing this topic with the kids with her, and me replaying "Yes", be a way she might try to go to a judge and say I am being an uncooperative parent. I've heard you can lose primary physical custody if the judge feels you are not supporting the mother's right to a relationship with the minor children. I hope I'm just overreacting .


Dont let her suck you back in


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Yeah, I'm a firm believer in Karma. When you make a string of bad choices and it becomes a habit, it's only a matter of time that it snowballs into a big problem.
> As for no longer communicating with her about the kids, I'm at a bit of a crossroad here and please don't take it as me being weak. (And if I am go ahead and tell me).
> I believed it is important for divorced parents to try to get along...for the kids sake. And yes, my EX goes bat****e crazy in seconds the minute she's not getting her way.
> Or I don't communicate at all? I don't think that's what you are suggesting. It might look bad to a judge down the road if I am refusing to even attempt further communication.
> So basically, if she has a question about something regarding child custody, I just reply with the standard: "it's already settled;see decree". If it's about something else having to do with the kids, I'll be open to communicate, but the second it gets ugly, I end the conversation. That's something I need to work on. Not getting sucked in to her angry emotional hamster.


You are right. I'm not talking about not communicating with her at all. Instead the idea is for you to get to a point at which you are not reacting and trying to defend/justify your position when she brings up things like wanting the children to now live with her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> I just hope my conversation which ended with her asking if I will not be discussing this topic with the kids with her, and me replaying "Yes", be a way she might try to go to a judge and say I am being an uncooperative parent. I've heard you can lose primary physical custody if the judge feels you are not supporting the mother's right to a relationship with the minor children. I hope I'm just overreacting .


I would say by NOT discussing it with the kids you are doing the right thing. Putting kids in the middle and having them deal with guilt either way about who they choose to live with isn't good for them. It's always better for the parents to decide, tell the kids, be on the same side while being pleasant and cooperative.

Assuming your kids are under 16 you shouldn't be giving them a choice. They are KIDS. Parents decide what is best for kids, not the kids. So if that's the route she takes, that would be MY answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> I just hope my conversation which ended with her asking if I will not be discussing this topic with the kids with her, and me replaying "Yes", be a way she might try to go to a judge and say I am being an uncooperative parent. I've heard you can lose primary physical custody if the judge feels you are not supporting the mother's right to a relationship with the minor children. I hope I'm just overreacting .


You are living by the court order. This means that she has a schedule for her time with the children.

She is asking you to go against the court order. You are not willing to discuss changing the court order and the status quo. That is not interfering with her relationship with the minor children.

So yes you are overreacting.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: Don't talk to her. Whatever is in the divorce degree is what she has to abide by. It's nonnegotiable. Don't allow yourself to get worked up by her. It's her problem, not yours.
> 
> I don't know the details of your situation. Why did she move and how old are your kids? Sounds like she's a real piece of work.
> 
> As bad as my husband has acted I do like that he's around for my son and hope he'll continue to be.


Whatever is in the divorce settlement is totally negotiable in regards to child custody and support issues. At least it is in California. You can go back to court anytime to have custody changed or support modified.

The final decree is NEVER the end of it, unfortunately.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Whatever is in the divorce settlement is totally negotiable in regards to child custody and support issues. At least it is in California. You can go back to court anytime to have custody changed or support modified.
> 
> The final decree is NEVER the end of it, unfortunately.


But you need money or knowledge to do it which thankfully she seems to be lacking
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> Whatever is in the divorce settlement is totally negotiable in regards to child custody and support issues. At least it is in California. You can go back to court anytime to have custody changed or support modified.
> 
> The final decree is NEVER the end of it, unfortunately.


And if his ex wants custody to be revisited she can anty the money and force the issue to court.

There is a very good reason why he was given custody. She would have to prove that those issues no longer exist.

His goal is to protect his children. So he has no reason at all to cooperate with her and just hand the children over to her.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Whatever is in the divorce settlement is totally negotiable in regards to child custody and support issues. At least it is in California. You can go back to court anytime to have custody changed or support modified.
> 
> The final decree is NEVER the end of it, unfortunately.


True. But until she does go to court and tries to change it, he doesn't have to get into it with her. It just upsets him to get into it with her so he doesn't have to indulge her requests. It's on her to go to court if she wants to amend things.

And her going to court doesn't guarantee anything. She can ask but she may not receive. I don't know how favorably a judge would look upon a mother who basically abandoned her kids is now shacking up with another man. It's not like she can provide them a stable home life either. She sounds like a real mess.


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