# Need help. Please no bashing. Sex, marriage and my past



## Kmana (Jul 22, 2017)

I'm new here and this is going to be a extremely long post. I wouldnt know how to even make it short. I'm 34 mom of 5 kids and I been married since 2003. Had our first in 2004 followed by more 2006,2010,2013 and 2016.. my husband is also 34, veteran, deployed 15 months and active duty army for 8 yrs. When we met online thru a dumb hate or rate site. I used to flaunt my self not naked but wearing skirts and stuff. I liked getting attention and this was before kids in early 2003. When we finally met I was also seeing another guy who I had sex with.

I was trying to figure out what I wanted and who I wanted to be. My end goal was always kids and marriage but the way I was doing it was thru sex. When I had sex with this guy I told my husband what I did(we weren't together) and I wanted to be with him instead because I saw he was a good person. He decided to be with me. As of today from what he told me was that the reason he stood with me because he thought I was some freak in bed and wanted to be all sexual and fun and all this stuff. So we get married that some yr and he goes off to boot camp the yr of 2004. 3 months after our first is born. When he finished boot camp and AIT, we followed him to Germany. 

In Germany it was hell. He watched porn, didn't pay attention to me, he would never help clean. I got pregnant in 2005 and I was anemic and always tired and couldnt even stay awake. We went thru counseling many different times thru the years and it just never worked for us. When he deployed I would be so stressed out from us arguing on the phone because he would get mad I was spending money on ordering too much food for groceries or whatever he felt like complaining. I got mad at him for spending a lot of our money on stuff. It was back and forth. 

Which led me to talk to another guy. I felt trapped and didn't want to be a mom or a wife. I wanted to run away. I than wanted to make money from home so I wanted to try webcam. I thought it would be easy. I never wanted to be naked in front of a cam but decided to do it. My husband and some dude was watching me. The guy was supposed to be the recruiter or some ****. I didn't go thru with it and quit after a week. I don't remember much but supposedly my husband always remembers everything I have done. 

When we left Washington state (where he deployed from to Iraq) and came back to California we still had issues. I don't want sex and I don't like the things he's into. I think its gross. He opened up to me and told me the reason why he's into these things is because I faked my life and led him on thinking I was a freak from my past. 

He thinks by me trying out the cam thing twice and trying out twitter (femdom) means I am into it and I am lying to myself that I'm normal when I reality I want it..so ridiculous! I try new things out to make money because I want to help. I don't like freaky dildo sex. I am not like that. Just because I had a lot of sex since I was 12 which is wrong doesnt make me some closeted sex freak. 

He's mad at me, frustrated and calls me a fake, a liar and me changing religion and food diets is all fake to look normal. And he mopes around all the time if I don't let him go down on me or have sex. I have a uti and he's pissed I won't let him cum. He starts with looking sad and then gets mad and calls me boring and dull all because I won't fantasize and open up. He says let me buy you a dildo. Or he says I want you to be ****ed. As in by someone else. 

I find it gross! I am not into the same thing he's into and told me don't get mad when I stop paying attention to you when I see someone else and this is why men cheat. I'm so sick of this crap. I want him to forget the past and move on. I'm content not ever wanting sex and only want it while I'm drunk. Idk what to do anymore. I really do not understand why he has to harp on my past what I said, did. I'm now trying to make money from home doing Motor club of America. Today at the mall he said nope that's not you pointing at lingerie. He points at old people pjamamas. Your the Dull boring ones and walks off and changes the subject.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You both should have sat down and discussed sexual wants and kinks before marriage unfortunately. He can't assume that you're into things just because you have a past. 

That said, it sounds like you aren't into sex with him cause you just aren't in love or attracted to him. How often do you guys date? Away from the kids, something nice you get out of the house for? 

I think you need to fix the relationship first before the sex part will come naturally but I also don't think you can fix the relationship without also fixing the sex part.... 


Have you ever gone through specific sexual activities and done a yes/no list? There may be some areas you can compromise on. If you want your marriage to last you need to give a little too. 

Ex- he wants you to use a big dildo, you don't. Maybe make a mold of his to let him watch you use? They are super fun to make together and it's flattering for him. What guy doesn't want you to tell him his *££* is the perfect size for you so you'd rather use it? 

Try to avoid negative language about his wants and allow open discussion to find some middle ground. He needs to not be whiny too and be on board with meeting your needs as well. Maybe sit down and both come up with ways you can compromise to meet each other's needs.


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## Kmana (Jul 22, 2017)

We have and I am not interested in playing with myself infront of him. Not interested getting on top or doing reverse cowgirl, with him or anyone. It's just not what I'm into. It also hurts, I have a titled cervix, I have to be in a doggy style position. We have a small pocket vibrator and we used it once but I couldnt have a orgasm because I just couldnt. His tongue is enough. We have talked about what I like and it isn't what he wants. I don't like him telling me if I wanna get f*cked .I find it gross he wants to fantasize me getting it by a random imaginary person. No we don't do date nights because he doesn't want to ask his mom who's 15 mins away. His mom is always bust dealing with 4 grandsons who there mother can't raise. Plus my father in law is sick. I have 5 kids from 12,11,7,3 and 17 months old. It's a handful. We went on one date a few months ago and it felt so weird. I felt odd and ackward being alone and at least one child with us. We had nothing to talk about or even laugh and gossip. I have zero girlfriends so its not like I have something new to say. I homeschool two kids and one goes to a public school. It's simple for me. Romance, dinners, him going down on me and doggy style..that's it. Nothing with me playing with myself while he watches no dildos. I do not like the stuff he likes. We where 20 when we met and sex wasnt something we talked about. He wasn't into freaky stuff back then. He eventually 13 yrs later told me (a few months ago) that he's into stuff I'm not into and it all came about when he saw me on cam thinking I was going to pursue it. I only did that to try to make easy money. I was never comfortable being naked or sexy after kids and I'm still not happy how I look. If I looked good and I was confident In myself I think I would of done it or at least be more sexual. I do love him i just don't need sex like he does.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Do you go down on him too? 

Can you find some things to put on a list of sexual activities you aren't in love with but willing to do - happily - for him? 

He will need to do things he doesn't love doing too, like setting up babysitting for actual dates so you guys have alone time outside of the house. 15 hours a week preferably. Without alone time together and growing more comfortable together again, you are roommates and it's really hard to feel sexual towards a roommate. 

You both have to give a little. You may love him but it doesn't sound like a romantic love. Have a read through here and see if it gives you any suggestions. 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html


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## Kmana (Jul 22, 2017)

He gets home by 5pm and usually has to do school. He does full time college. Weekends are more open but still has to do college online to finish. It's hard when nobody is trust worthy to watch ur kids and then his school gets in the way


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## Kmana (Jul 22, 2017)

This is beyond sex. My husband is constantly right now on fb messenger with how nothing makes sense to him. He said I had sex with another guy but I wasn't officialy with my husband. And he's still hurt 13 yrs later because he liked me more than I did. I always did things for attention because I had none at home..no dad a mom who was and still is a huge B.C. controlling. I ran away twice at age 12 and had sex . Ever since then that's all what I did since I met my husband. He's hurt and depressed and mad I gave away myself to many men but I can't be comfortable with him. I'm over weight I have stretch marks. Certain ways of sex hurt. He wants me to talk dirty..I am not comfortable doing that. That's like me trying to convince my husband to let me put my finger or a dildo in his behind or letting me tell him dirty things a guy would do to him. He isnt into that so should keep forcing it? No he needs to move on and I cant stand the fact all he does is try to pick me up and analyze me to find something. All because nothing makes sense.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He feels cheated because he thought you were wild when it was really just an act for attention. I don't blame him, honestly. If I knew someone who was promiscuous, willing to do cam work, etc. I'd think that they'd be a freak in bed and I'd be very disappointed to find out that said person was beyond my definition of vanilla. I couldn't imagine a sex life with such limits. I want different positions, light BDSM, dirty talk, toys, mutual masturbation, fantasy role play, oral (giving and receiving), and I'd be miserable without those things. So, I understand where he's coming from.

Honestly, it sounds like the two of you aren't sexually compatible. As sex is so integral to a marriage, this is a problem. The question is what are you going to do about it? Are you willing to broaden your horizons sexually? Are you willing to give him an amicable divorce and co-parent in a friendly manner? Would you consider an open marriage so he can have his needs met by an enthusiastic partner who enjoys his sexuality?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It is beyond sex because the marriage itself is broken. You need to fix both. 

You homeschool, there should be some kind of support group in your area of moms to join, meet other moms to swap baby sitting with, etc. You really do need to date and have romance and time out away from the kids. It alone will make you feel a lot sexier. 

You won't be able to get him to the point where he's happy with just one position and oral on you, no sexy clothes or dirty talk. You gotta budge somewhere. You don't have to love everything you do sexually. Sometimes you just give to make them happy. You can both have things you just won't do but try to be open minded with things that you aren't 100% against. 

Not comfortable with dirty talk, start with dirty sexts. They feel less awkward cause they aren't looking at you. Wear something sexy, get all done up and take some pics for him. Boosts your confidence and gives him something new. 

I'm also overweight and have stretch marks. Trust me, they aren't looking at them. If he's asking to see all of you in something sexy or all spread out for him, he loves your body as it is and will not care about the jiggles and the marks. 

Was your husband the "better on paper" guy to fill your needs to marry and have children and a stable life with where the other men were the sexual fulfillment kind but not the settling down with types? 

Cause it doesn't sound like you have much sexual attraction to him. You may get more if you date and meet each other's needs and really put some effort in but if you're not willing to try, the marriage will be over


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My 2cents....

I see a woman who is so ashamed of her sexual history prior to marriage that she is now willing to give it to be "normal" and "wholesome". This is something you are going to have to come to terms with and figure out on your own. Or thru IC.

Your marriage has problems, most to do with sex but it seems like there are other underlying issues as well. 
You guys can't seem to be able to communicate with each that well. No one is really listening. You both have expectations of what you want and it's so firmly set that you can't seemed to hear when the other people is saying or care enough to hear.

Your H should be able to trust you to tell you what he wants sexually without you deeming his fantasies or his needs as disgusting. If you can't do them just let him know that is something you are not comfortable doing. And then let him know what you are willing to do. 

I have a tilted cervix, it can be an issue at certain time of the month but you can do certain things to help with that. Research online or speak to your Gyn. 

You have lots of kids and that does take alot of energy, what do you do for yourself to give yourself a break from being mummy 24/7?

We all change during life. The H I married is not the man he is today. Today's H is more sexually demanding, love talking dirty, trying new things, love making up fantasies. I listen to them all and what I want to do, we go ahead and try. Sometimes, they work and we love it. If it does not work out we have a laugh about it. IF I were to tell him it's disgusting or his ideas are disgusting he will never tell me things in the future. Because I have taken the feelings of being safe away from him.

Don't let your past get in the way of your current happiness.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

People hint or imply but I'll just ask. Are you using him for support? You you can have the life you want?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not trying to sound crude here, but he didn't want you for your wholesomeness. He wanted you for your reckless abandon, sexual energy, and you're telling him now that it's not the real you. 

Actions speak louder than words, so he may think you tricked him with false advertising. It might not be right or fair to you, but it's how he may see it. 

I think you should stay away from him, if his preference is the kind of lifestyle you want to avoid. You're going to stay incompatible.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

To be attracted to one another sexually in the beginning of a relationship is common. During this time we are willing to please, we do experiment and I think that is natural. You may have realized that these things you tried were not a real interest of yours and there is nothing wrong with that...you tried it, you didn't like it. It doesn't mean your husband's interests changed. These were areas he obviously enjoys and if you feel his interests are perverted or obsessive, or if you think his interests in these areas are taking priority over time spent with you, you will distance yourself emotionally. You will become hurt. Having several children now your focus is more on them and your family than creating a rip roaring sex life but your husband still wants that rip roaring sex life and probably has hard feelings because you are not the person he thought you were when you were willing to explore each other sexually.

I think you both need to try to have a heart to heart talk about where you each are in your lives right now, what your expectations are of one another. You both will need to bring lots of understanding and compassion to the conversation without pointing fingers and placing blame. No good will come to placing blame.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He wasn't into the 'freaky' stuff when you married. Then Germany and porn. How much of his new-found desire is the porn and how much is it the real him? 

Don't let him belittle you into doing things you don't want to do. Maybe he'll need to get a divorce and find someone with whom he is more compatible if he can't let go of his fantasies. And, being cuckolded is a fantasy. His reality will be much different.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To be perfectly honest, I think his REAL fantasy is that you are interested in sex. He can't seem to say it right because it sounds like a terrible accusation. Going on dates with him feels weird because it has never really happened consistently. And a ponder question for you, in the place of advice. You are now 34 and married 14 years. in 14 more years you will be staring empty nest right in the eyes. When there are no children to in your life except a pair of twitchy teens who are tied up in school and school activities 14 hours a day (I know Sounds like an other planet, but it is coming) What will hold you two together when every dinner is just you two? You will be almost my age then.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Nothing more frustrating than dating a wild thot (and he wanted that no offense nothing wrong with being a bit of a thot if both partners are into it) who then becomes good and virginal, leaving only the dudes from her past and her own memories of the crazy ****ty times that he wanted to partake in. Seems like your husband for one reason or another thought you were wild sexually like him, I assume this has to do with your past and how the relationship first started. And now he has a wife who has no interest in anything but a missionary quickie. I can see how that could be frustrating for him.


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