# Asking for sex



## atbab (Aug 22, 2011)

My wife has little to no interest in sex. We have discussed this this a number of times and she has said I should just ask her and she will give me a handjob. Not withstanding I have other issues that need to be dealt with, is this normal?

I tend to feel embarrassed asking and if I try initiate anything I still need to ask as my wife does not seem to associate the initiation with my need for affection.

To make matters worse or more uncomfortable she will talk about work or what needs to be done in the garden while doing it. So I do not end up enjoying it and makes it more difficult to ask the next time.

Has anybody had similar experiences?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Ugh, there is nothing more unsexy then asking for sex.

It should be the natural progression of your feelings for each other.

I like it if my fiance does not ask, he just goes for what he wants. It's very manly.

Her talking about other stuff during sex points to the fact that she is not excited and interested in sex. when she starts to talk of other things you should say "I am trying F&^% you" then get explicit. If she keeps talking of other things, stop what you are doing, hop off and have a shower. Then let her know that you want to have sex with someone fully engaged and enjoying sex. You will not have sex with someone who is blatantly disinterested and unable to focus, and it turns you off her.

You need to man up and follow the 180 threads around here.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would keep exploring why your wife doesn't want/like to have sex. There is normally a reason, and if you keep digging you may be able to get to the root of the problem.

Otherwise, I would think about creative ways that you could "ask". Instead of saying the words, can you instead show by your actions that you want sex?

Do you pursue her much throughout the day? Do you try and make her feel desired by you? Flirt with her? Look at her lustingly or longingly, pinch her, touch her fleetingly, whisper naughty things in her ear?

Yah, I like all of that daily foreplay and back and forth tension, and it really helps to get me in the mood. Having my H just baldly "ask" without any of the foreplay throughout the day wouldn't make me feel very aroused and sexual toward him. Could this be your wife's problem?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What a killjoy. Ya tell her what's what and see what happens. I think not much will happen but at least you tried.


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

It's often said that for men, sex is more physical than emotional whereas for women, the opposite is true. Some women misinterpret this concept to think that sex can be purely mechanical in order for a man to be satisfied. The truth is that good sex requires passion from both sides. Your wife doesn't seem to understand that concept.

But I think that to some extent, it's up to the man to try to arouse passion in his woman, so I suggest you follow Syrum's advice above.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No. Do not ask for sex. It is demoralizing, and in my opinion, dehumanizing. You are like a kid asking for a cookie, and she gets to reward or punish you.

That is not a marriage.

How do you feel about pi$$ing your wife off? How are you with conflict? Do you confront it, or avoid it and try to make nice?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i quit asking, aka begging, for sex a long time ago


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## Rango (Aug 18, 2011)

If you dont ask for it, how do expect to get it?

I mean, I'm not saying, say "can I f--- you tonite", but how about something like, "I really want you & have been thinking about you all day, do you want to mess around tonite"?

I know when we were younger we didnt hardly have to say a word, but after 25 years it seems she is going to want to hear you say something along the lines that you want her, figured it would kinda be a turn on to express in words that you want her to give herself to you & please her in any way she desires.


But then again, what do I know...maybe thats why I'm where I'm at now, marrage counseling.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Was she like this when you met? If not, then something has changed how she feels towards you. Try reading the 'manning up' stuff on this forum. I've heard it helps to reignite that attraction. Perhaps you're too much of a 'nice guy' and she's lost respect and sexual interest.

My partner has never asked for sex, and the idea of him actually asking to have sex is an automatic turn off for me. Totally unsexy and unmanly. Asking for some oral when we're all ready fooling around is totally ok though  

The fact that she's telling you to just ask for it and she'll give you a handjob means she's really treating it like a chore she has to do. How insulting and degrading! Even worse that she talks about chores and stuff during it :scratchhead: She may as well not bother, if you're gonna do it, do it right!

I didn't realise how important sexual contact was for men to feel loved and appreciated until I read a book called _The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands_. If she cares about your overall happiness in life as a person - as her husband - perhaps she will read that book if you get it for her (read it yourself first). It may help her perspective a bit. My relationship with my partner is 10 times better when I make sure he gets lovin on a regular basis. Giving sex willingly out of 'loving obligation' doesn't come without reward!! She may be surprised.



> my wife does not seem to associate the initiation with my need for affection.


That's the key word - NEED. I never knew this either. A lot of women, myself included, can easily go without sex or have it rather infrequently. Without even giving it a second thought. She may think that sex for you is just 'release' or 'scratching an itch' and not realise it's much deeper than that - a NEED. 

So check out that book on Amazon.com, and read through all the manning up stuff on this forum!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Rango said:


> If you dont ask for it, how do expect to get it?
> 
> I mean, I'm not saying, say "can I f--- you tonite", but how about something like, "I really want you & have been thinking about you all day, do you want to mess around tonite"?
> 
> ...


several years of little to no positive responses


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

atbab said:


> My wife has little to no interest in sex. We have discussed this this a number of times and she has said I should just ask her and she will give me a handjob. Not withstanding I have other issues that need to be dealt with, is this normal?
> 
> I tend to feel embarrassed asking and if I try initiate anything I still need to ask as my wife does not seem to associate the initiation with my need for affection.
> 
> ...


Overlooking the 'other issues that need to be dealt with' do you attempt to turn her on until she's climbing the walls and asking YOU for sex? Stop asking for sex. Flirt with her through-out the day, kiss her passionately, let things evolve from there. Try discovering what turns her on, without asking her.

If she talks about the gardening, she's not turned-on and not in the moment with you. I wonder how she'd respond if you whispered in her ear that if she continues to be naughty by talking about work/the garden, you'll need to spank her? Or maybe play on it as part of a dialogue. She starts talking about work (and assuming she works in an office), how about asking her if she was wearing her sexy heels and the suit that makes her butt look delicious etc. If she seems surprised or confused, make it known with your tone of voice that she's entered the flirtation-fantasy-sex conversation.

I don't think there's a quick fix for you. There's more to being open and emotionally connected with someone sexually. This is just an idea for the time-being. Good luck.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Deejo said:


> No. Do not ask for sex. It is demoralizing, and in my opinion, dehumanizing. You are like a kid asking for a cookie, and she gets to reward or punish you.
> 
> That is not a marriage.
> 
> How do you feel about pi$$ing your wife off? How are you with conflict? Do you confront it, or avoid it and try to make nice?


I agree. I feel demoralized when I ask wife to have sex. I'm never really turned down. But I feel embarrassed because I'm getting in or way or taking her away from her time and I know she doesn't want it.

It's a shame that marriages are the way it is.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Rango said:


> If you dont ask for it, how do expect to get it?
> 
> I mean, I'm not saying, say "can I f--- you tonite", but how about something like, "I really want you & have been thinking about you all day, do you want to mess around tonite"?
> 
> ...


I agree with you, but when a pattern exist in which your wife does not enjoy sex, has no interest, and it's a burden to her - then the whole approach changes. 

I tell you the truth, I used to hug my wife, flirt with her, tell her how sexy and beautiful she was - it never changed her interest in romance. Eventually, I had to live with that non-interest - yeah woe to me. I began to just start asking if we could have sex, because I knew it was a burden to her and that she didn't have an interest.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good advice here. Try giving her a massage one night without being sexual. Then do another massage a few nights later and gently touch her. She does not view sex as pleasurable, so you need to awaken her. She may need slow, sensual sex. Touch her arm lightly, touch her face as a prelude.

Do you know what her love language is? Are you meeting her needs in a way that she can appreciate? I agree with the suggestions about flirting, being playful during the day. And yes, do not ask, but let your actions speak to her.

I despise spanking, but some women like it. Do you think this would work for her? Try different things to see what will put her in the mood.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> .....Having someone ask me for sex is the erotic equal of pouring sand on ones vagina...


Oh ouch!!! Asking is a lame mood-killer for me, but full confession, I have asked for sex from my H a few times in the past.

I don't think it had quite that effect on him, but I'll have to ask.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I totally agree about the NOT asking for sex bit.

However, at the same time I completely understand why it comes to that sometimes. Guys can do everything right, and initiate, and gain there women's attention etc etc etc. BUT - it does get frustrating sometimes always being the one improving and basically running the sex dept of the relationship.

If she never initiates, or suprises you with an BJ, or randomly does something sexual on her own at some point - your going to get frustrated and feel like your putting ALL the effort in. And on some given night it's going to feel like way to many hoops to jump, way to much work.

When is it the wife's turn to try and get you in the mood with a massage, or flirting, etc. I know the answer to that question but you see many many more cases of the husband trying to improve the marriage and turn the friendship back to a romantic relationship than the other way around. I know in my own marriage, my effort level far exceeds my wife - and I do own a little bitterness about that.

There should be equal effort, and equal interest regarding the marriage.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Monty4321 said:


> I agree with you, but when a pattern exist in which your wife does not enjoy sex, has no interest, and it's a burden to her - then the whole approach changes.
> 
> I tell you the truth, I used to hug my wife, flirt with her, tell her how sexy and beautiful she was - it never changed her interest in romance. Eventually, I had to live with that non-interest - yeah woe to me. I began to just start asking if we could have sex, because I knew it was a burden to her and that she didn't have an interest.


I wonder, though, if we get into patterns of initiating sex that are easier to reject than others. In an attempt to show respect for her, is it possible to tip the balance to make her think that we only want raw sex, and not passion? Seriously, when first reading the thread, I'm wondering what part of peeling my wife's panties away with my teeth could she possibly misconstrue? (Just kidding to make a point) 

I really like the other suggestion about doing acts of care for her, but do it without sex being the primary goal. Over time, she may see that the goal is not just getting sex. It is to love her in the way that she wants to be loved. The goal is her. Over time, most massages can naturally progress to sex. If her love language is not through acts of service, then these should be the goal, while sex is the dessert. When our pre-marital counselor told me to try to look at it this way, I wonder if it helped to avoid the whole issue of ever having to ask.


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