# What to do ? Wife does not want work on Marriage



## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

My wife has made it clear to me that she does not want to work on our marriage. She says she is tired, does not feel anything for me anymore, and wants out. When I ask her what she is proposing she says, "I don't know". We have two children, and I know she is stinking around just for the kids. Of course, I still love her with all my heart, and have bent over backwards to salvage our marriage. I don't want to continue to live together without a relationship but don't want my kids to go through a separation or divorce ? What should I do ? Can someone really just stop loving the another person after 9 years ? or Do you think there is someone else influencing her decision ? She did have an EA at work, which caused all this to surface. She denies still being involved, but then again, all cheaters do. I'm trying to be happy but obviously it is very difficult when your spouse wants nothing to do with you, even though your still married and living under the same household. I've suggested going out on dates, without the kids, and she says she has no desire to do that. Does she really not love me anymore ? So confused and don't know what to do...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

vasmar said:


> My wife has made it clear to me that she does not want to work on our marriage. She says she is tired, does not feel anything for me anymore, and wants out. When I ask her what she is proposing she says, "I don't know".


does not want to work on it???
doesn't feel anything for you???

she wants a relationship she doesn't have to work at. her embers have been ignited by this "EA" at her work, and it's easy for her to be overtaken by this infatuation.

it's crap buddy. i've read enough about "EA'S" to understand that she's taking the easy way out. f-her. make her make a decision. him (ea) or you. and be ready to exit if she says "him.



vasmar said:


> Of course, I still love her with all my heart, and have bent over backwards to salvage our marriage.


i'll bet you have. you're carrying the water. you're doing the work while she's enjoying someone else's company. pretty fair, huh?



vasmar said:


> Can someone really just stop loving the another person after 9 years ?


sure! the other dude, ea, call it what you want. out that m*****f****r at work, and out your wife too.



vasmar said:


> She denies still being involved, but then again, all cheaters do.


she's a liar. plain anf\d simple. self-preservation is the liar's best skill.


vasmar said:


> Does she really not love me anymore ? So confused and don't know what to do...


maybe she doesn't. ask her again in 5 years, when the grass on the other side has browned.

truth is, you know that to do. but it will hurt. good luck. fight for your marriage. out the other guy AND your wife.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Voivod wrote: "...sure! the other dude, ea, call it what you want. out that m*****f****r at work, and out your wife too...."

Voivod: Am truly disappointed in you. This is flat out wrong to recommend he do this. It could get him into some very hot water and make him look like an lunatic, let alone an a$$. Two wrongs do not make it right.

*Vasmar: Please do not take the above statement by Voivod seriously. This would be a terrible way to behave and would only make you look bad to everyone including yourself, after the deed were done. Juvenile behavior rarely wins one RESPECT and an audience.*


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Voivod wrote: "...sure! the other dude, ea, call it what you want. out that m*****f****r at work, and out your wife too...."
> 
> Voivod: Am truly disappointed in you. This is flat out wrong to recommend he do this. It could get him into some very hot water and make him look like an lunatic, let alone an a$$. Two wrongs do not make it right.
> 
> ...


_note: i apologize for the m***rf***r in my response. i just was caught off guard by his wife's crappy attitude toward vasmar._


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am with vovoid. I dont' see anything wrong with making her face her own medecine. If the other guy at work knows that she is married...then he deserves for the world to know that they are messing around even if it isn't sexual. And jealousy is completely acceptable in this case ...this is his wife. He should stand up to the guy and let him know he isn't the only one in the fight for his wife. Maybe if she is embarassed enough by her behavior...she might actually make a decision. Of course...I would continue to try to salvage the marriage if that is what you want. and I would do it in a loving manner. But you want to be certain this fling is over. She has to make her choice...either she wants you or not.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

One just does not walk into a workplace and get into it with a spouse. WRONG place to do it.

What is the PURPOSE of doing such a _vile _thing?
What is the PURPOSE of acting like a _child_?

There is a time and place for everything, and walking into the workplace is NOT the place.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

I confronted the guy and obviously he said nothing was going on. My wife has quit her job since that day. Nothing has been the same. I was prepared to take the kids and go. She obviously stayed and has played with the idea of wanting to stay married or not. She now is saying that she does not want to work on our marriage and that she has no feeling for me but says it has nothing to do with this guy :scratchhead: I'm so confused. I'm thinking to myself , It has everything to do with him. Yeah before him we argued, and were not the perfect couple but we stayed together and still said 'I love you" to one another. Once he came along, all of that changed. How can I believe it had nothing to do with him. I believe she stayed with me so that our relationship would not end like this. Her having an affair. She said she would work on our marriage, but honestly I have not seen the effort. I've made a lot of changes myself as a husband and as a father. I'm by no mean perfect but I've adjusted and compromised a lot of things. This doesn't seem to mean anything to my wife. She's taking me for granted. Another reason why I think she is still around is because she has no where else to go. Her parents know of the situation and they don't approve of it. It's just hard cause I have to live with the rejection every single day. I think things might be getting better and then she hits me with. My feelings have not changed. I think she expects me to toss in the towel and figure everything out of how to separate and what to do. I'm unwilling to do that. I do not want to give up but how can I continue when she has straight out told me she does not want to ?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> One just does not walk into a workplace and get into it with a spouse. WRONG place to do it.
> 
> What is the PURPOSE of doing such a _vile _thing?
> What is the PURPOSE of acting like a _child_?
> ...


i don't remember saying to walk into the workplace. if i did....


apparently it's not a "work"place anyway...


i'll check my post to see if i said "walk into the workplace." if i did....ummm...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> One just does not walk into a workplace and get into it with a spouse. WRONG place to do it.
> 
> What is the PURPOSE of doing such a _vile _thing?
> What is the PURPOSE of acting like a _child_?
> ...


nope...didn't say "walk into work..."

i think i'd do something more "vile"...posters come to mind...mass emails...

i'm not particularly interested in how i'm wronging either party.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If it had been me...I'd have outed him! It opens the door to a sexual harrassment suit as well as redress of greivances. And places a foundation for divorce (alienation of affection, etc. - talk to a lawyer). 

Cheaters deserve EVERYTHING that they get!! No fu.king mercy! One time may allow a forgivness...but after that, get the he!! out of my life! 

Sorry, I happen to have strong opinions on this issue...


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

MizSmith said:


> You can't. Your wife was over the marriage before the EA. He was just able to allow her to finally come out and express it. My Ex H just would NOT listen to me. He drove me insane swearing he knew I still loved him and was just acting out.


Miz Smith, 

Please let me pick your brain a little since it seems my wife is in the same situation your in. 

Why did you just stop loving your husband ? Did you express to him you were unhappy and he was unwilling to do or change. See, in my case, I have realize I was in the wrong and have changed my ways, but she is still set on it's over. Why ? If you loved someone so much, and they are trying to do everything possible to save the marriage, why give up ? Why insist that there is no love anymore ? Especially when I'm making changes in our marriage that benefit her, kids, and me. 

You may be right about letting go, but I'm still not quite prepared to let go. Was your husband unwilling to make changes in your marriage ?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

vasmar said:


> Miz Smith,
> 
> Please let me pick your brain a little since it seems my wife is in the same situation your in.
> 
> ...


all great questions...look forward to the answers...and here's hoping it ain't the "water under the bridge" variety...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dcrim said:


> If it had been me...I'd have outed him! It opens the door to a sexual harrassment suit as well as redress of greivances. And places a foundation for divorce (alienation of affection, etc. - talk to a lawyer).
> 
> Cheaters deserve EVERYTHING that they get!! No fu.king mercy! One time may allow a forgivness...but after that, get the he!! out of my life!
> 
> Sorry, I happen to have strong opinions on this issue...


ha! dig it!

at least i didn't march my "crimes of passion" defense out. or my speech on jury nullification. dcrim, that pales your "it ain't a crime until you get caught" mantra! you can get caught, and with jury nullification...it ain't a crime. we should talk.

terrible...i didn't mean to hijack. carry on folks.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

NP, Voivod...life is all about dichotomy!  Variations.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

dcrim said:


> If it had been me...I'd have outed him! It opens the door to a sexual harrassment suit as well as redress of greivances. And places a foundation for divorce (alienation of affection, etc. - talk to a lawyer).
> 
> Cheaters deserve EVERYTHING that they get!! No fu.king mercy! One time may allow a forgivness...but after that, get the he!! out of my life!
> 
> Sorry, I happen to have strong opinions on this issue...


_Ya think_, dcrim??:rofl: U so funny.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

voivod said:


> sure! the other dude, ea, call it what you want. out that m*****f****r at work, and out your wife too.


Ahem. I think you said it in a slight heat of passion...


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> ....let him know he isn't the only one in the fight for his wife.


Most guys who are messing with someone's wife are _*just messing*_ and the wife doesn't even realize it is just play to get in her pants! Unhappy wife=easy lay scenario. The wife blows it all up into some big fantasy and ends up dumping her marriage for some guy isn't going to "fight" for the wife - usually they just HIDE! 

They aren't cave men you know, having to go confront like two gorillas beating their chests over a female in heat ! That is why I said he should not confront, it brings HIM down to the level of the sleezy guy wanting to pork his wife! I'd not give him the _*audience*_!

He needs to deal with HIS wife, and IGNORE the other guy! The other guy is an outsider to this dyad. Nothing he says or does to the other guy will get his wife back. What he says and does with his WIFE determines what happens. SHE is the one who chose to do her dh wrong. The other guy was likely just some unsuspecting guy that was available...bored, opportunist.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy... yeah, I think.  JMHO... 

anent the gorilllas...one of them will come out supreme. That's the point. Survival of the species. Ask Charles Darwin.  

Outing TOM, especially at his work, will show everyone just what a sleezeball he is. And how far he is willing to go for a piece of tail. 

Most guys are not "just messing"...they're looking for that something extra. If she's married..there there's no real hope/need of commitment...just the physical pleasure.

It is the lowest form of human life, IMHO. But it happens. Just not my style. I "want it" much as anyone...just not willing to stoop to that level to get it.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

voivod said:


> ...
> dcrim, that pales your "it ain't a crime until you get caught" mantra! you can get caught...


Voivod...it's meant to be thought provoking...not literally.  I do have other tag lines (elsewhere)  

If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

If a man is in the forest and says something that his wife can't possibly hear, does that still make him wrong?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You've heard about the spirit of the law, right?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Ahem. I think you said it in a slight heat of passion...


nope. never said "march in and..." i'd be stealthy...posters, mass emails... i think i mentioned that...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dobo said:


> You've heard about the spirit of the law, right?


yes, and no where is the "spirit" or "intent" of the law better reflected than in jury nullification.

rule number one: disregard the judges instructions. he does not dictate to the most powerful legal body in the land: the seated jury.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

This guy reawakened her to the idea that she could feel passion again. That the relationship didn't last and isn't current doesn't change that fact. She felt something with him (alive) that she hasn't felt with you for a long time.

You can try to woo her. Win her and jump through hoops to impress her and see if that makes her remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. But the thing you have to understand is that she probably fell in love with a false perception of you way back when. So what that was about is your job to figure out. And, can you be that guy? 

What is her love language? Have you ever bothered to figure that out? 

In the end, she's more than halfway out the door. But that doesn't mean you're not in with a prayer. However, you're only in with one if you are clever enough to understand her needs.

What is she looking for? Words? Emotional affairs are primarily about emotions and words. Can you learn to listen to her and empathize with her and understand her? 

Emo affairs are about what is missing in real life relationships. Can you admit where you are failing her? Can you make up for it?


Also, even though emotional affairs arre about emotional things, it wouldn't hurt if you are taking good care of yourself physically. I admit 100% that the guy I married after my divorce was someone I chose because I find him physically attractive. My reasoning was that if things tanked in other areas I could always fall back on the shallow.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

dobo said:


> In the end, she's more than halfway out the door. But that doesn't mean you're not in with a prayer. However, you're only in with one if you are clever enough to understand her needs.


That's what I've been trying to figure out. I've really sat down with her and asked, what was wrong, what was she looking for in our relationship ? What about me bothers her ? [/QUOTE]



dobo said:


> What is she looking for? Words? Emotional affairs are primarily about emotions and words. Can you learn to listen to her and empathize with her and understand her?


Yes, I've tried, but it always lead to the same answer. I don't know, I'm tired of trying, I just want for this to be over. The latest is, I feel more myself when your not around and more relaxed. My response, Sure, that's because when I'm not around you don't have to deal or face the reality of us having problems or dealing with them directly, it's an escape. Of course, I don't tell her this. I've read somwhere that spouses in this situation find it easier to run away and just give than try to work things out. 



dobo said:


> Emo affairs are about what is missing in real life relationships. Can you admit where you are failing her? Can you make up for it?


Yes, I've learned to put my pride aside and have admitted to my mistakes. I've also have shown her by my actions. I've had deep conversation with her about our situation and not being prepared or have the necessary tools to establish and maintain Love. We got married too young. She came from a loving caring, not being afraid to show it family. I came from a tough loving family. It's been difficult but I've realize this. 



dobo said:


> Also, even though emotional affairs arre about emotional things, it wouldn't hurt if you are taking good care of yourself physically. I admit 100% that the guy I married after my divorce was someone I chose because I find him physically attractive. My reasoning was that if things tanked in other areas I could always fall back on the shallow.


Your absolutly correct, I excercise and love to play basketball, I keep well groomed. I've also made it a point to always have colone, She likes that. Or at least she did...


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Miz Smith, 

If possible, please share your honest response to my questions. It might shed some light on my situation,especially coming from someone that felt similar to my wife. It just might help me understand what's happening.

Or, 

It just might really open my eyes and finally accept that she has been lying all along and maintains a relationship with this other guy. And that all of this has just been an act to cover up her infedility....

Anxious to see your response.

Thanks...


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Ok slightly different situation than mine. I have not cheated. I've always been true to her..

Did you give him a chance ? for the sake of your kids ? What if he was honestly a changed man and wanted to do things right. 

My biggest question is:
Was there another man to help you out ? Yes it seems that in almost every situation there is someone else and that the other stuff is used as a cover up. I feel my wife is staying long enough for me to forget about the affair, for our kids sake. And if we finally throw it in the towel, she will say everything else contributed except the real reason, THE OTHER GUY. There is no excuse for cheating, when you are married with kids.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

MizSmith, 

Thanks for giving me your honest response. Sounds like your ex-husband had no intention of changing for the better. 

This goes to show that all situation no matter how similar they may seem, always have something different.

My situation if very depressing or nerve recking, as most are. I do everything in my power to go out of my way and she could care less. I'm a good father and husband. Not perfect but not bad either. I do care about her and really want to be there for her. She just doesn't let me. She has a big wall built around her heart that I can't seem to penetrate. I'm honest with her, I want to spend my time with her and the kids, I'm expressing myself in ways I didn't before. I've told her she's #1 in my life and that everything else is second. I used to like to go camping, hunting, quad riding, but lately everything seems so useless, nothing but wanting my marriage to be a happy one is important anymore. I guess she has moved on internally. We continue to talk about day to day things, but as soon as the the "US" subject comes up, everything is out the window. Doesn't care, doesn't want to try. etc.etc. I guess the question that remains is, When do I call it quits ?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I feel for you. And I just don't know the answer to your question.

How long do you think she'd allow things to continue as they are?

I also wonder if trying another approach might work. All of this talking about things can be really draining. How about living a little? Share new experiences and do things and don't focus on what is wrong but instead on what is right. I hope there is enough of that to focus on...

If you just met her, would you be interested in dating the person she is now? I mean, when you are not talking about the relationship, how are things? Are they just cool or do you get along and laugh? Laughter is so important.

Take her to see the movie "Up."

I wish there were some magic words I could give you to mend things.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I was never madly in love with my husband to begin with, so there is no point in "trying," because he is who he is and he will never be anyone else. I have no problem with who he is--nice guy, funny, not unattractive in the physical sense (although I wasn't ever really hot for him). We are just not well matched, and I tried really hard to make it work, but finally had to admit it (when I couldn't bear his touch and, after a year of that, he finally noticed!!!) He was "getting his," and never cared about me getting mine. Selfish and thoughtless, yep, although aren't we all, to some extent? I could take his selfishness with money, and where we live, etc, but not the sexual selfishness on top of it all. He had many, many chances. And didn't even try to change until I said I was done. I don't feel I owe him anything more, frankly. Don't know if this applies to your situation or not. Just thought I'd throw it out there.


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## grizzly (Jun 24, 2009)

*Similar boat*

I'm in a similar predicament and some days its hard to see where a light may shine from. We have been married 5 years, and our first two years were blissful. When we had our first kid and my attention began to be spread, she reacted to the decrease in attention.

I thought this was a passing phase and she would appreciate that I was taking more than half the share of house work and was very good with baby. But apparently the weight of parenting on me was so great that she thought I was plain ignoring her. The cycle of this caused me to shrink back even further due to her angry behaviour which I could not understand then.

However once I realised (3 years into this on-off process of friction lost in the daily movement of family life) where she was coming from I have tried and keep trying to ensure she is the special person she has always been to me, and actually more so now than ever before.

Unfortunately, its falling on deaf ears and our intimacy is hurt and she says she does not love me any more and the silence at times is deafening.

She is bent on not engaging me, It is distressing and I know multiple things could feed into this, my hope is to reverse the damage.

Personally I want to be with her, because I want to be with her, and not because of the kids. However kids are very important and I would feel I have failed as a parent if we split up.

She does not want counselling, most of the time does not want to talk about it, she may very well feel she is trapped in this relationship/life because of the kids. Its very troubling. I feel bad that she is unhappy, and of course I'm not happy either.


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## shawn3497 (Jul 3, 2009)

Iam going through the exact same thing, I just started marriage counseling and hopefully it will work out although I am not optimistic about it, the one thing I can suggest is to talk to her and tell her you want to go to a counselor and go from there,


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yep....I agree. Cheaters....can be forgiven but habitual violaters are vile. She has done her deed....you deserve to move on. Does she do anything now? Give her some much needed SPACE .....and if she changes her mind...maybe...just maybe you can work on it. But I believe if she wanted to leave...she would. She would find a place to go and she would find a way to go. Sounds like she is getting her kicks at your expense. Sad. Hope you can figure this our. Sorry.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's not easy having to deal with rejection every day.

I try to live a little, I try doing other things, but the fact of the matter is, that she does not want to, if we do end up doing something it's with her family, and she pretends everything is ok. I'm very crushed by this cause everything revolves around her. Nothing seems to matter when your in a situation like this. It's hard to lift your spirit. But I know, I have to try.For me, and for my kids. 

I'm really realizing that perhaps my marriage is going to fail. I've tried to work things out but when your better half does not want to, it's impossible. I thought one person could make a difference but I've proven that's not right. 

I'm going on 8 months of this, since the EA my wife has said she is trying but is unwilling to actually try. She says and thinks that love is just one day going to appear without making and effort. She has said "if it comes it comes, if it doesn't o well " to me that is not trying.. I read somewhere that affairs usually spark this kind of attitude, their affair makes then feel like they once felt with you and are blinded by these new feelings and think that that's love. She is probably looking for that kind of feeling from our relationship.

Your right she is still at home, if she really wanted to leave she would have found a way no matter what. I guess I should be thankful for that. But at the same time, is she having her cake and eating it too ? She remains at home having a husband that provides and for the kids and at the same time continuing the affair ? I don't know what to do, at times I just want to pack my things and leave, leave the house for her and my kids, but then I stop and think, why should I leave ? I did nothing wrong, I'm the one trying to work on my marriage, I don't want it to seems like I'm abandoning my kids. Why should I make it easy for her ? 

Am I selfish by thinking this way ?


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

vasmar said:


> I'm really realizing that perhaps my marriage is going to fail. I've tried to work things out but when your better half does not want to, it's impossible. I thought one person could make a difference but I've proven that's not right.


Wow, man. I know exactly how you feel. I kind of felt my wife slipping away from me months before it actually happened, but I thought that if she just saw me, REALLY saw me, trying to be more attentive, taking on more housework, spending less time brooding in the living room, that she would stay in the game. 

Until she really let me have it on our way to my boss's bbq, with my daughter and her cousins in tow. How she didn't want to be married to me anymore. How she hated me. How my very presence annoyed her. And that she didn't want to continue on with me. Funny thing is, she still stayed with me two months after that explosion. 

She had already told me of a guy she met at work, and how wonderful he was and how in sync he was with her feelings. If you listen to her, she's probably already told you what's happening, without actually saying it straight out.



> She has said "if [love] comes it comes, if it doesn't o well " to me that is not trying.. I read somewhere that affairs usually spark this kind of attitude, their affair makes then feel like they once felt with you and are blinded by these new feelings and think that that's love. She is probably looking for that kind of feeling from our relationship.


I heard that, too. Basically means, "if my current affair doesn't work out, and nothing better comes along, I might consider coming back to you". And what do you know? We're dating again. But that's another story.



> ...is she having her cake and eating it too ? She remains at home having a husband that provides and for the kids and at the same time continuing the affair ?


Yes, she is having her cake and eating it too. She may still need you for financial support. And who's going to watch the kids while she's out with her "friends"? 

It took *me* to say, "I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving". Which she then sought to use against me as grounds for divorce; abandonment. Be very careful.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Melancholyman, 

Yes, I know. I don't want to be the one to leave cause I've done nothing wrong. And I do think that if I leave she'll use that against me and say I'm the one who left. 

See, if my wife would just be honest with me and tell me, hey I think I'm falling in love with someone else. I don't think I would be fighting as hard for our marriage. If she flat out told me, there is someone else and I don't love you anymore, I would have more closure and move on. I could not stand the fact of her being with someone else and also with me. The fact of the matter is, she says there is no one else and has not left the house and continues to probably lie and cheat. Of course, I have no concrete proof and that's probably why it's so hard for me to let go.... Trust me, if I discover her once again, that would be the end. Why would I want to be with someone who does not care, love, or appreciate me. Yes, I know, I have my kids to think about. But a marriage should not just be about the kids. I can't continue living like this...


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Seems to me the writing is on the wall. Why do you need to hear it? As soon as she admits it, she knows you can file for divorce under infidelity (of course, you also have to prove it).

If/when you finally hear the truth, is it going to hurt any less?


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Had a bad weekend. Wife is still unresponsive. Still does not want to work on marriage and we have become nothing more than co-parents. We live under the same roof but she obviously has another agenda. This weekend I brought up the subject as to where we stood. I wanted to talk about us. She would not talk to me which made me very sad, depressed, and upset. I would ask questions and she would not respond. She said she didn't want to be like a broken record which meant her feelings have not changed. I told her we could not continue living like this. We cannot continue acting/pretending everything is ok when in fact everything is not. This is very emotionally draining and I think of our situation day and night. It's affecting me a lot. It doesn't seem to faze her any. I tell her we need some time together without the kids and she does not want even think of that. I asked if she was still talking to this guy. I she said no, that's been 6 months. I have a gut feeling she is still texting but cannot prove it. Yes, to be honest with you meloncholy, I think if I knew it would make things easier. It would still hurt, but I think I could find closure. She says this has nothing to do with him, but I find it very hard to believe that someone would want to leave a marriage with kids without having someone else. This situation I'm in doesn't seem to have an ending and I don't wish for anyone to go through what I'm going through. If she says she no longer loves me, and I'm trying to make this work, what else can I do. I've asked her, what are your plans, what makes you happy, why are you unhappy, and I get no response. There is no explanation other than she is having an EA with someone. She seems to be ok just co-existing together under the same roof. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so depressed...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I think you've tried as much as you could. The only thing you could do is to make her leave. Maybe some time away will get her mind straight. Either she'll decide she wants it to work, or she knows that she doesn't want to come back.

Sometimes, you need to do some really hard things to get answers, the problem is, that many times the answers you get aren't the ones you wanted to hear.


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## humangirl (Jul 16, 2009)

Have you sat down with her & asked why her feelings have changed. I don't think it's because of the other guy since she had to be open to him for anything to happen in the first place. Maybe she's insecure with herself, maybe she doesn't feel she's seen as anything other than a mother/wife. Is it worth staying for the kids if your that unhappy. Kids notice more than you think & what are they learning from all of this. Maybe see a professional.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

It's an awful situation. No and yeah. I'm slowly realizing that this is no life to have. You can not simply stay for the kids. But then the simple of thought of them having to go through a split or divorce and not having the steady life of a family kills me. She grew up with divorce parents, my father was not around that much and I promised myself that my kids would not have to go through the same. My wife's mother and ex-husband all get along. She was fortunate to find another man that understand and tolerated the ex being around. Not all men are like that. 

I've tried to really sit down and ask her, what her thoughts are, what she plans on doing. She just keeps saying the same old thing which does not add up. She says she is tired of trying and just is there. She says she does not want to try for our marriage and says the love is gone. But yet she is still there ? She gives the impression that she is depressed and not happy which she is not, but she still takes care of her appearance. She is always concerned about looking good, which she does, its' not for me though, she could care less what I think. 

If not the other guy, than what is it. I've honestly have taken a hard look at myself and asked myself how I could improve. I've done some changes, but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm getting to the same point of not caring anymore and get very sad and depressed. If she would only give us a chance I know we can make it. We get along fine when we're out and about with the family. I really just don't understand what's going on. The only thing I can think of is that she still is communicating with this other guy. When I ask her she denies it.
What else can make a women behave this way ?


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

vasmar said:


> I really just don't understand what's going on. The only thing I can think of is that she still is communicating with this other guy. When I ask her she denies it.
> What else can make a women behave this way ?


vasmar, from what you are posting here, yes your wife is absolutely talking to this other guy, no matter how often she denies it. 

You are being compared very unfavorably to the OM right now. People who get into affairs (men and women-but women tend to do this more, IMO) start to believe that the friendship that they have with their 'friend' is how relationships really should be and your marriage looks like a failure in comparison. It is part of how a cheating spouse rationalizes their behavior to themselves. 

I feel bad for you vasmar, because you are turning yourself into a pretzel trying to make your wife happy when she is no longer interested. What you absolutely must do at this point, before the affair goes further, is completely pull away from your wife. I know it seems like the opposite of what you should do-it feels counter-intuitive. Pulling back will do one of two things, although it might take a little while for your wife to notice, 1. make her stop whatever she is doing with the OM and notice you running the other direction (good) 2. she will give a who gives a sh!t shrug and keep gravitating toward the OM (nothing you can do about this, my friend).

Either way, it will work out best for YOU...your wife will either come back around or if she is going to leave anyway, then it will just speed up the process. Good luck!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I like that description. And I agree! Vasmar, hang in there! I know it's not a fun time; I know it hurts.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Coflgirl, 

Thanks for the advice. Yes I know that I have to do this but it's very hard. It hurt so much. That nausage feeling everyone talks about, I have 24/7. I have a gut feeling she is still talking to this guy and yes you are right the relationship she is having is being to compared to our marriage. I don't think it is fair because that's not reality. I'm starting to realize that she really no longer cares about me. It hurts alot cause I feel otherwise. I feel that if only we both work at it, we can make a turnaround. She feels otherwise, she is unwilling to try. How do I pull away. It's hard to focus my attention in anything else. I really can't get motivated to do anything by myself. Everything I do revoloves around her. Our weekends are left up in the air. If I don't plan anything, she finds somthing to do that doesn't involve me. I've told her that that's not cool and how it makes me feel. It is so hard cause she doesn't even want to touch the subject of our relationship or lack there of. Sometimes I do get to the point where I think it would be better for her to leave. But where would she go. Her parents know about the affair and have told her they will not support her. She doens't have a job. Is currently seeking one. I believe once she finds one, she will go... Sorry to keep going in circles, I end up in the same place. Thanks for listening...


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Thanks Dcrim for your encouraging words. Yes, it is very hard. No one that's not in the situation will ever ever understand. I used to think, If my wife ever cheated on me, ITS OVER, no if buts or anything. Boy how foolish I was. It's not that easy, especially when there are kids involved. And I'm sorry, I really don't agree when people say, the kids will be ok. No they are not, there lives will change forever. It is not normal IMO for kids to have to grow up with one of the parents. 

I hope that if things really go south, that we can have joint custody of the kids, One week her, one week me. 

Anyone have any advice as to what was better for the kids, live with mom, full custody, live with dad, or be the weekend dad ?

Boy I hate even having to think of this...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I know, Vasmar. I do know. The kids will not be ok. They will see the hurt & pain of their parents (or one of them anyway) and will know the cause of that pain. You will need to carefully teach them the CORRECT way of living, not the selfish way. 

There's just no good way to deal with it all. Except to end things (and I do know that pain!) and move on, begin the healing process. You WILL heal, but it won't be quick. It will happen, though. 

As long as she has both of you, you're the fallback plan. Remove that option. No evaluation periods, no choices, nothing. Tell her it's over, done. Period. Finis. If she has no place to go...oh well...should have thought of that before. 

Change your locks, separate bank accounts. She will panic and beg you to take her back...but a month, two from now...guess what she'll be doing? 

I am so sorry...I wish no one had to endure this pain...unfortunately we're all simply human. And subject to the frailties of that condition. And the pain we cause others. 

Don't hate her. Just give her up.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

*Update - Wife does not want work on Marriage*

Ok, 

I think the end is near. My wife just got a job. She went in for orientation today. She was very excited to hear the news. This may be good or bad news. Good news, I will get some help paying the bills for awhile. Bad news, she will be earning money and will plan an escape route. I guess there is nothing in the world I can do. It has been hard these 6 month to live with someone and co-parent. I love her but she says she doesn't feel the same way. No sex, no kisses, no affection. Just be happy living in the same household. We still sleep together. She got our 2 year old some used to sleeping with us. But still, why force someone into having sex when he or she says they don't love you anymore. I'm hurting so bad, but I think it's better cause I don't think I can handle any more lies and no affection. I feel bad for my kids, 6 & 2. really I really do, they love both of us very much. My sons a momas boy and my daughter is a daddy's girl. I wish there was some way out but there is not. She has checked out of our relationship. Pretty soon she will probably start looking for an apartment. A man can only be rejected so many times. If she doesn't love me, than there is no reason to be together. I have to let her go, it's just it's so damm hard. I been with her since high school. She was my first and only real love. We've been together for 10 years. I don't even know how to be single. Well not completely single cause I'll still be a father. I will fight to try and keep one of my kids, but I know that will not work, second will be joint custody, one week her, one week me. Is anyone out there have a similar arrangement. I don't want to just be a weekend dad.. I love my kids so much. I love my wife too, but I think I'm slowly coping with the fact she doesn't love me anymore. It is so hard and I'm walking on egg shells. I try and be supportive but she spends more time talking with her mom on the phone than with me. She has X me out.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am going through a situation similar to yours. I've been married for 24 years and have tried everything for 9 months. 

In your gut, you believe she still has contact with her EA. Trust your gut!

Read Dr. Dobson's book When Love Must be Tough. It deals with exactly the issues that we have regarding one spouse set on leaving and the other one wanting to work on the marriage. This book makes alot of sense to me and perhaps will help you.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Thanks Corpuswife, 

I will check that book out. In the end I realize I have to face what
s coming. I just can't get myself to do what I need to. For me, first of all (not going to lie)and for the kids..

Do you have kids ? Probably a lot older than mine.

Still must be hard. I've always believed that when someone is set on living it's because there is someone else unless it's for being in an abusive relationship or infidelity. Not the case for me.

It's so dang hard to accept the fact that she's over me. Is she ? Did she ever really love me ? She says she didn't. We have two kids what was that all about. I don't believe her. I don't know so confused..


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

*Re: Update Wife does not want work on Marriage*

Wife first day on the job was today. She is in training for 2 weeks. I woke up early and packed her lunch. Nothing fancy, a sandwich and a salad. I put a note in the lunch pail wishing good luck and telling her I love her. Don't know what to make of it. I also took care of the kids this morning, brought them to work and all to try and make her first day as less stressful as possible. The waiting around is just killing me. I hope she is more happy now that she has a job. Since she quit her last job, she kept on saying she was not happy staying at home with the kids. She enjoyed going and working. We'll find out once her first pay check comes around. Times are hard. I'm thinking that's she's going to open her own bank account. That will be my first clue if she's planning on leaving. We'll see.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Don't read too much into opening her own account now that she has the new job.

Personally, I am a fan of separate accounts. (Having just gotten my own back...another story). Having two paychecks, the bills, and the 'allowance' money for both of you coming out of the same account is just asking for trouble down the road.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Vasmar,

From my experience you will end up driving yourself trying analyze your W's every move, sentence, look. I know.

My husband wanted out after 24 years because he was no longer attracted to me and basically loved me but no longer in love. No affairs and no abuse. We are good people. Not perfect. He's going through some kind of midlife thing or depression or the grass is greener syndrome. I am not sure. I quit analyzing him.

I have a 20 year old son and 15 year old daughter. My 15 year old is at home and adores my H. 

My H was so set on the divorce. I tried begging, pleading, sex, convincing, etc. Nothing worked. He was on a one way street to divorce. Finally, I read Dr. Dobsons book. I backed off...way off.
I asked him to think about a separation instead of a divorce. He said he hadn't thought about that...That was how dead set he was on the divorce subject (one track mind).

Anyway, the next morning after mentioning the separation idea. He comes up to the master bedroom and wakes me up. He holds my hand and says "he is giving it serious thought." OK??? He ends up agreeing. A week and a half later he's gone.

I don't call or want to see him. He asked my daughter and I out to lunch last Sunday after church. At first I said "yes." Then texted him later that I couldn't make it. Why should he have the comfort of family time and then go back to his greener pastures. I want to make this separation hard on him. I want him to feel the pain of "divorce." Divorced people don't lunch together.

Although, in his mind he knew how it was going to work. I think this "i want to be alone" is turning into loneliness. 

I tell you my story, because once a person is dead set against working on the marriage it's hard to change their mind. In fact, by the time we know about it...they've mulled it over in their mind for months. Also, if you W is involved in an EA or any other type of affair, it is highly unlikely that she will return during the heightened and intense feelings for the OM.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I find it helpful to analyze things in a public forum, so feel free to speak your mind. I feel I am in a similar situation where I don't love my husband, can't stand him sometimes, and often wish he wasn't around. The allure of an emotional affair does build confidence that one can be happy with another partner. There could be multiple reasons why your wife isn't opening up to you. I have two kids, 7 and 4, and been married 10 years, and Hubby is stubborn about change. The biggest thing holding me back from divorcing is the future of the kids. Now that I no longer have any emotional ties with anyone, I see the reality that life will not be better after divorce.


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## RobertD (Jul 24, 2009)

Vasmar,
Allow me to make a few suggestions as I have been through this treatment.
I understand that you still love your wife. She seems to be passive by not being truthful and up front with you but the truth is she has told you that enough is enough.
Think back a few years. Have you been attentive and loving? have you given your wife anything to fall in live with? Over and over?
For me the answer is "No". I was selfish and disrespectful. I am not saying that you have been or might have been. I know enough to know that people don't fall in love or out of love for no reason. Affairs are awful but be mindful: happy people do not have affairs.

I am not condoning the affair by any means as I just wish yours and my wife would have been more assertive or that I had been more aware of my wifes dissatisfaction. 

I would suggest seriously looking at what you actually offer to your wife in a partner. be the partner that she needs and that you want to be. Give it time. She and you may have some dependency issues that need to be addressed and she is by getting a job and control of her own finances.

Keep being happy, take care of yourself and be a happy person. THAT is really attractive.

Good luck to you.


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