# Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex



## Spicy

I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.

Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.

Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.

This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.

I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.

Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex? 
I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.

Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes. 

Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?


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## sokillme

I feel bad for your husband now. No husband want's to come home to his wife crying over her ex and have to comfort her, and if he doesn't what's wrong with him. I get it your sad you broke up but time to move on, you are marriage to someone else.


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## Spicy

sokillme said:


> I feel bad for your husband now. No husband want's to come home to his wife crying over her ex and have to comfort her, and if he doesn't what's wrong with him. I get it your sad you broke up but time to move on, you are marriage to someone else.


I'm sorry you feel that way. Of course my husband knows all the backstory, which also makes him understanding. He is an empathetic person, and it is a quality I love about him.

Since I'm a woman that rarely cries, he has no problem comforting me on these rare occasions. This was the first time i had ever cried over feeling pity for my ex. 

Also, I don't recall saying I am sad that we broke up. It was 100% my decision and doing.


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## arbitrator

*Sorry for the latent feelings, @Spicy ~ but I simply cannot kick at you, given the circumstances of the ultimate breakup and eventual divorce! I don't really think that anyone can say that you did not try your level best to keep things intact!

What was your kids take on the divorce situation as well as your remarriage?*


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## tailrider3

I apologize as I don't know the whole story but did your ex husband try to get help for his mental and emotional issues? It's tough when someone is sick, if that is the real issue, because you do feel pity for them and want to help but, depending on the situation, you have to protect yourself. 

Your new man is a better man than I...


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## Cooper

You're not sad and missing the life you left behind, you're sad about the life you thought you would have with your ex and how it deteriorated to divorce. You're missing the what "could have been" not the "what was". And that's OK to occasionally feel melancholy about our past, you're very lucky your current husband understands that, many people wouldn't. You do have to disconnect more from your ex, you shouldn't be keeping tabs on him, not your job any longer. It sounds like your children are teenagers so the kid exchange doesn't need to involve face time between you and the ex, try to keep your distance, the less you see and speak to him the easier it will be to let go. 

While you understand how lucky you are to have a sympathetic husband please consider how your crying over the ex makes him feel, as supportive as he is outwardly about it trust me inside he is feeling a little hurt and conflicted that another man still has that much power over you, and eventually he may get resentful.


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## Haiku

I don't resent her and hope she has happiness and peace of mind. 
I don't want bad things to happen to her but don't hold any feeling of romance.


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## Chuck71

There was temporary bitterness on my part before and after the D but I was in such a better place in life,

why remain bitter? 15 years for us... good times and bad times. I will always say, I miss and love

the person she "once was" but that person died many years ago. What she has been for a number 

of years, is a shell, a corpse of her former self. Wedding song, doesn't bother me at all.

XW still reaches... not shocked, as does my HS sweetheart and college sweetheart.

We had a time, a place, but now, it's over. To put it in perspective, my XW had many great qualities which

I look for in a spouse. But I also look for her bad qualities in others which turn me away.


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## browser

I'm divorced and have nothing but negative feelings for my ex.

I'm with my girlfriend 5 years now, she still sees her ex for child exchanges and at events but she does not appear to have any feelings for him whatsoever.

I am not trying to pile on but if I came home to her crying over her ex I would not be nearly as patient and understanding as your husband.

I'd be like "WTF get over him already or I'm going to get over you".

It gets old. Only room for one husband. Any feelings you still have for #1 is going to take away for what you have available for #2 and most guys don't want to share.


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## onepotatotwo

sokillme said:


> I feel bad for your husband now. No husband want's to come home to his wife crying over her ex and have to comfort her, and if he doesn't what's wrong with him. I get it your sad you broke up but time to move on, you are marriage to someone else.


I agree. The new marriage is getting battered with the stuff from the old days. Sounds like she's ambivalent about her current marriage. 

You have a man now who obvs loves you and tolerates this clinging to the past and crying over past history...try to live in the now and honor the love that's being given to you. If you can't do that, maybe you should remarry your ex. I'm sorry if they sounded hostile I didn't mean it to be...I was just trying to get my thoughts out quickly before I have to go... I'm trying to say just that it's unfair to new H to cry and be so angsty over oldH....if old H was all that great, you'd still be together right? Let him go...love him by letting him go find a life for himself...and love your new H and appreciate him for loving you so much to give u space to mourn--he sounds like a really special guy! Wishing u peace


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## Spicy

arbitrator said:


> *
> What was your kids take on the divorce situation as well as your remarriage?*


Thank you my friend. Our children's take on it was terrible. I would say I was able to shield them from what was going on more than 80% of the time. They were unaware of what I was going through. They were living happy, content lives. They didn't know I got hundreds of texts a day, discussing his worthlessness, that he was probably gonna get fired, that people at work were watching him and on and on with the parinoia. On the days where depression was the main focus he would tell me how he was going to drive into a semi-truck on his way home. The kids never knew any of this and still don't know what all he put me through. 

So to answer your question, when we sat down to tell them we were divorcing, the shock was equal to if we had told them we were aliens from outer space.

I went into this with a firm decision made not to speak badly of him, and to take the blame since I was the one giving up and not staying. I also knew he wouldn't admit to any blame, so what would the point have been? Right or wrong, it's what I did. 

Overall, they took the situation very, very hard. I don't think they had ever even heard us arguing before. They were just so shocked. My eldest is even keeled and happy like me. She adapted quickly to me moving out and also quickly became friends with her step dad when he entered the picture. 

Our youngest became glued to her father, and still is to this day. She is very emotional like him. She has had a very hard time with my remarriage, she was holding out tremendous hope that I would change my mind and come back to her dad. She tolerates her stepdad barely, which is hard for me to watch because he is so kind to her. It has gotten better this last year though, and I think it will continue to do so.

Thanks for asking about them.


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## Spicy

tailrider3 said:


> I apologize as I don't know the whole story but did your ex husband try to get help for his mental and emotional issues? .


Yes and no. About every three months I would sit down with him and explain how hard all of this was on me, and that I couldn't keep going on this way, and for him to please seek help. He would improve for a couple weeks, then back to the same. The times he put forth effort to get professional help (psychiatrist) he would go once and then never follow through again. It made me feel so very unimportant to him.

The bottom line was though that he believed I would never leave. He was wrong.


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## Spicy

onepotatotwo said:


> I agree. The new marriage is getting battered with the stuff from the old days. Sounds like she's ambivalent about her current marriage.
> 
> You have a man now who obvs loves you and tolerates this clinging to the past and crying over past history...try to live in the now and honor the love that's being given to you. If you can't do that, maybe you should remarry your ex. I'm sorry if they sounded hostile I didn't mean it to be...I was just trying to get my thoughts out quickly before I have to go... I'm trying to say just that it's unfair to new H to cry and be so angsty over oldH....if old H was all that great, you'd still be together right? Let him go...love him by letting him go find a life for himself...and love your new H and appreciate him for loving you so much to give u space to mourn--he sounds like a really special guy! Wishing u peace


I'm sorry you feel that me shedding tears for a couple of minutes, once in my nearly three year relationship with my current hubby make me seem insensitive to my wonderful current marriage. Also that you think my compassion for my ex makes me ambivalent and battering my current marriage. I think it just makes me human. An honest human that has a great enough relationship with my current hubby that I can talk to him about anything, even this. I will keep your advice in my mind though as I would never want to hurt him either. I'm definitely not clinging to the past. I am aware it is there though, and don't feel like I need to essentially erase it to have my life be complete.


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## BetrayedDad

sokillme said:


> I feel bad for your husband now. No husband want's to come home to his wife crying over her ex and have to comfort her, and if he doesn't what's wrong with him. I get it your sad you broke up but time to move on, you are marriage to someone else.


Agreed. I hope the KISA you married doesn't get burned if, or more likely when, you decide your ex is still your soul mate and deserves another chance. You're clearly not even remotely over it.

Free advice... Get rid of the shared iTunes account and buy some new songs. You might think your husband is "understanding" but he is simply tolerating your emasculation while you pine over another guy in front of his face.


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## sokillme

BetrayedDad said:


> Agreed. I hope the KISA you married doesn't get burned if, or more likely when, you decide your ex is still your soul mate and deserves another chance. You're clearly not even remotely over it.
> 
> Free advice... Get rid of the shared iTunes account and buy some new songs. You might think your husband is "understanding" but he is simply tolerating your emasculation while you pine over another guy in front of his face.


I would also be worried that he may just detach. I think that might be a reasonable reaction to this. He may be thinking, I am living my life for this woman and she is still crying over her ex. Maybe my effort is in vain slowly but surely that may erode his confidence in the relationship. God help you if he meets a woman who looks like he wouldn't have to share with a memory. This may be a slow process but a few more moments of you balling your eyes out may escalate it. 

I think a worse possibility is that he really doesn't care that you are still in love with your ex. If that is the case what does that mean? Most people I know would not be content to be with someone that was in love with someone else. My feeling is I would want someone who covets me. How secure can you be with a man who doesn't care that he love is shared with a memory? I would wonder if he is just kind of going through the motions so that he can have someone.


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## BetrayedDad

sokillme said:


> I would also be worried that he may just detach. I think that might be a reasonable reaction to this. He may be thinking, I am living my life for this woman and she is still crying over her ex. Maybe my effort is in vain slowly but surely that may erode his confidence in the relationship. God help you if he meets a woman who looks like he wouldn't have to share with a memory. This may be a slow process but a few more moments of you balling your eyes out may escalate it.


Agreed again. A man can only take so much humiliation before he says, "screw it, I'm done". 

Some people have longer ropes than others but we all have a breaking point. Even OP's KISA.

OP's new husband reeks of a rebound and a defacto plan B. There's a reason he tolerates this. 

If I found my wife listening to "their song" sobbing over her ex three years later, I'd be running for the hills.



sokillme said:


> I think a worse possibility is that he really doesn't care that you are still in love with your ex. If that is the case what does that mean? Most people I know would not be content to be with someone that was in love with someone else. My feeling is I would want someone who covets me. How secure can you be with a man who doesn't care that he love is shared with a memory? I would wonder if he is just kind of going through the motions so that he can have someone.


Plausible if either A) he was hung up on an ex like OP or B) is actively cheating on her. No emotional invested, sane man would be okay with behavior.


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## 3Xnocharm

BetrayedDad said:


> Agreed. I hope the KISA you married doesn't get burned if, or more likely when, you decide your ex is still your soul mate and deserves another chance. You're clearly not even remotely over it.
> 
> *Free advice... Get rid of the shared iTunes account and buy some new songs. *You might think your husband is "understanding" but he is simply tolerating your emasculation while you pine over another guy in front of his face.


Yes, get rid of that shared account, and STOP letting your mother talk about him to you! She can continue her relationship with him if that works for her, but she needs to stop reporting to you about what goes on with him. Your current husband is an angel, I would not be anywhere NEAR as understanding if I had a man so emotionally vested in his ex still.


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## Spicy

Wow guys...kinda brutal on a one time cry....

I fell out of love with my XH a decade ago. I would never, EVER go back to him and the constant misery my life was. NEVER. My husband knows all this, how horrible it was, and we both pity him. He also is aware of all I gave up to leave that relationship, including my dream home, inheritances, and family and friends that shunned me. I'm very full disclosure, as is he. He was in love with his long term Ex girlfriend, and he also has no negative feelings over her, speaks of her on occasion and we still have pics of her daughter up! I'm not the least bit annoyed by this. This is his past, his history, what has made him HIM. The man I fell in love with. That he didn't hate his ex simply showed me that he is a nice man, (and she a nice woman) and that they figured out they weren't right for each other, and moved on. For me, there is zero attraction etc for my Ex and my husband is very confident in our relationship, as am I. That was not the point of this post, and will never be an issue in our life. We both have loved in the past, but haven't most people?

I was going to address all the things that are being said about me and my husband that are so completely wrong, but there is no point, no one else is living our lives. I will just reiterate that I will always care about my XH welfare especially while we are raising minor children. I love that our girls can talk freely about their dad with my husband and how he shows genuine interest in asking them how their dad is etc.

What I am gleaning from this discussion is that most that are divorced strongly dislike or perhaps hate who they divorced. Or perhaps they have no experience with an Ex with severe emotional and mental issues. Either way, I will agree to disagree.

My husband and I will continue to be kind to my XH and to show him respect, and speak well of him always in front of our daughters. I really hope he finds love again and at some point aggressively works on his other issues.


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## Spicy

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, get rid of that shared account, and STOP letting your mother talk about him to you! She can continue her relationship with him if that works for her, but she needs to stop reporting to you about what goes on with him. Your current husband is an angel, I would not be anywhere NEAR as understanding if I had a man so emotionally vested in his ex still.


Agreed, agreed and agreed, he is 0


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## sokillme

Spicy said:


> Thank you my friend. Our children's take on it was terrible. I would say I was able to shield them from what was going on more than 80% of the time. They were unaware of what I was going through. They were living happy, content lives. They didn't know I got hundreds of texts a day, discussing his worthlessness, that he was probably gonna get fired, that people at work were watching him and on and on with the parinoia. On the days where depression was the main focus he would tell me how he was going to drive into a semi-truck on his way home. The kids never knew any of this and still don't know what all he put me through.
> 
> So to answer your question, when we sat down to tell them we were divorcing, the shock was equal to if we had told them we were aliens from outer space.
> 
> I went into this with a firm decision made not to speak badly of him, and to take the blame since I was the one giving up and not staying. I also knew he wouldn't admit to any blame, so what would the point have been? Right or wrong, it's what I did.
> 
> Overall, they took the situation very, very hard. I don't think they had ever even heard us arguing before. They were just so shocked. My eldest is even keeled and happy like me. She adapted quickly to me moving out and also quickly became friends with her step dad when he entered the picture.
> 
> Our youngest became glued to her father, and still is to this day. She is very emotional like him. She has had a very hard time with my remarriage, she was holding out tremendous hope that I would change my mind and come back to her dad. She tolerates her stepdad barely, which is hard for me to watch because he is so kind to her. It has gotten better this last year though, and I think it will continue to do so.
> 
> Thanks for asking about them.


So you didn't tell your kids the full story and your new husband has to bear the brunt of the situation. You new husband is a saint or has very low self-esteem.


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## sokillme

Spicy said:


> Wow guys...kinda brutal on a one time cry....
> 
> I fell out of love with my XH a decade ago. I would never, EVER go back to him and the constant misery my life was. NEVER. My husband knows all this, how horrible it was, and we both pity him. He also is aware of all I gave up to leave that relationship, including my dream home, inheritances, and family and friends that shunned me. I'm very full disclosure, as is he. He was in love with his long term Ex girlfriend, and he also has no negative feelings over her, speaks of her on occasion and we still have pics of her daughter up! I'm not the least bit annoyed by this. This is his past, his history, what has made him HIM. The man I fell in love with. That he didn't hate his ex simply showed me that he is a nice man, (and she a nice woman) and that they figured out they weren't right for each other, and moved on. For me, there is zero attraction etc for my Ex and my husband is very confident in our relationship, as am I. That was not the point of this post, and will never be an issue in our life. We both have loved in the past, but haven't most people?
> 
> I was going to address all the things that are being said about me and my husband that are so completely wrong, but there is no point, no one else is living our lives. I will just reiterate that I will always care about my XH welfare especially while we are raising minor children. I love that our girls can talk freely about their dad with my husband and how he shows genuine interest in asking them how their dad is etc.
> 
> What I am gleaning from this discussion is that most that are divorced strongly dislike or perhaps hate who they divorced. Or perhaps they have no experience with an Ex with severe emotional and mental issues. Either way, I will agree to disagree.
> 
> My husband and I will continue to be kind to my XH and to show him respect, and speak well of him always in front of our daughters. I really hope he finds love again and at some point aggressively works on his other issues.



But it's not a one time cry, it's covering the difficulty's in your marriage so your new husband has to look like the bad guy you tried to trade up for no reason. It's letting your Mom continue to treat your ex like she is till his mother in law, how completely disrespectful to her new son-in-law. It's actually allowing yourself to pain-shop over your ex and having no sympathy for how your husband must feel. Damn you even let him invest energy that should be reserved for your relationship to comfort you. I honestly think something is wrong with your new husband that he doesn't see that he is kind of your consolation prize because your first marriage didn't work out. Your new husband knows that everyone in your family wishes you were still with your ex, now he knows even a part of you still does.

No matter what you say, when you are crying over your ex, you are expending emotional energy on him that should be reserved for your current husband. We are not talking about asking how he is, we are talking about you crying for what could have been, and in that respect romanticizing what you had. That is not good. You could have at least hid it, and you actually went out of your way to contribute to these feelings by playing the songs. No one says you have to hate your ex by the way, but you absolutely must move on and quit romanticizing what you know in your heart was not right. As you have told us here. If it was not right there is no reason to cry anymore. You are crying over a fantasy anyway. 

You can think we are mean or whatever but we are just trying to warn you, just like you say you fell out of love with your ex, mostly because he was spending too much emotional energy living with his mental illness don't be shocked if your current husband falls out of love with you because you are spending too much emotional energy living in you past. Everyone here has the same take, so maybe you should trust us that this ours is the natural response to this. One day he may sit you down and tell you he is done. Then you will be the one who feels like aliens have landed.


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## Spicy

sokillme said:


> But it's not a one time cry, it's covering for him so your new husband has to look like you tried to trade up for no reason. It's letting your Mom continue to treat your ex like she is till his mother in law, how completely disrespectful to her new son-in-law. It's actually allowing yourself to pain-shop over your ex and having no sympathy for how your husband must feel. Damn you even let him invest energy that should be reserved for your relationship to comfort you. I honestly think something is wrong with your new husband that he doesn't see that he is kind of your consolation prize because your first marriage didn't work out. Your new husband knows that everyone in your family wishes you were still with your ex, now he knows even a part of you still does.


*There is not one accurate thing you have said in this entire statement.*


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## farsidejunky

I think there's a lot of misinterpretation going on in this thread. 

There are times where my mind wanders to what could have been with my ex-wife as well. It doesn't mean I actually want to be with her.

There is something about falling in love young, the naïveté associated with it, the foolish optimism, and all of that sort of gets dashed aeay when one gets divorced.

I wouldn't trade how my life has turned out since divorcing my ex-wife. But that does not mean that I don't occasionally feel sorrow for what could have been.


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## BetrayedDad

Spicy said:


> *I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on.* My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. *I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him*, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.


You are literally crying because a part of you regrets ending the relationship. You'd rather still be married to him.

You can not love two people. You clearly expend a lot of emotional energy on your ex and often.

Wondering what could of been, pining for those five good years, he was the love of your life.

KISA is foolish enough to think he can "fix you" with hugs and kind words. Nice you into loving him.

You can tell us and yourself what ever you want to. Your actions give away EVERYTHING.

Your current husband will give you a shoulder to cry on but you will never give him your heart.

If he wants to take on that kind of emotional baggage then I guess he'll have to learn the hard way. 

Good luck to you both. Only person I pity in this story is your KISA, not your ex. He deserves more.


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## doureallycare2

Spicy,

Have you examined if there was any co-dependency going on your part? 

Two things:
1) Even if you were not co-dependent 20 years in a relationship is a bond, having children is a bond. This is something you worked at, you fought to help it survive. You loved him......Him being whole and healthy is relevant to your children no matter their age.
2) Co-dependent- Sometimes when you spend that long with someone that has mental issues, addictions etc. you start becoming the care giver more then the spouse. Your identity becomes about how that person is doing, how they will respond. If their having a good day you have a good day. 

With either of these points its hard to step away from the emotional tug. Your human, these emotions are normal. But you have to continue to work at the emotion separation and so does he. This may require you distancing yourself as much as possible from seeing, talking etc. for both your benefits.


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## WonkyNinja

Spicy said:


> I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.
> 
> Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.
> 
> Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.
> 
> This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.
> 
> I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.
> 
> Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
> I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.
> 
> Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.
> 
> Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?


My XW and I are civil but that is it, she is very bitter that I left but ridiculed me when I told her what our problems were and just expected me to put up with them.

I am very happily remarried. My W and her X have managed to remain close friends and I'm really pleased for them. He is also remarried and recently had a baby, he is beside himself with joy about it ..... and we are both really pleased for them. I have met him on many occasions he is a great guy and I consider him a friend. They just didn't work out together as a couple.

My W was upset (tears) the other night as she knows her family will miss him at Christmas, he an outgoing type with great charisma and I fully understand that her nephews who have known him since they were babies will miss him. I've only known them a couple of years and we live a long way apart so we don't meet very often. It bothered me that she was upset, but not that she was upset about family missing him at Christmas. It doesn't change a single thing about our relationship or our feelings for each other.

It is natural to miss the happy times and you are probably still going through grief over what you lost when you left your marriage. Just because you divorced someone doesn't make them a demon, they have the same good and bad traits that they always had, in some ways it is easier to see when you are not in the middle of it. I still go through periods of grief and anger over what I lost in leaving and still second guess myself that maybe I should have stayed for my daughter when she has problems with her mother. But then my X will do something typically catty or pedantic and I remember why I left!! 



sokillme said:


> I feel bad for your husband now. No husband want's to come home to his wife crying over her ex and have to comfort her, and if he doesn't what's wrong with him. I get it your sad you broke up but time to move on, you are marriage to someone else.


I'm quite happy to comfort my wife over anything, and there is nothing wrong with me at all. I'm even learning that sometimes comfort is all that's needed, I don't actually have to try and fix everything because not everything can be fixed.


----------



## WonkyNinja

BetrayedDad said:


> You are literally crying because a part of you regrets ending the relationship. You'd rather still be married to him.
> 
> What BS. You can miss what was without regretting how it ended. Just because something is the right decision doesn't make it clean and easy. You have no idea about who she would rather be married to.
> 
> You can not love two people. You clearly expend a lot of emotional energy on your ex and often.
> 
> Yes you can. You can love many people in different ways. You have different loves for your partner, parents, children and family without any problems and your feelings towards a person change change throughout your relationship with them. OP mentioned one occurrence and you extrapolate that to "expending a lot of energy and often".
> 
> Wondering what could of been, pining for those five good years, he was the love of your life.
> 
> Probably yes, wondering what could have been and regretting that it didn't happen is natural. Losing your love for someone can be hard.
> 
> KISA is foolish enough to think he can "fix you" with hugs and kind words. Nice you into loving him.
> 
> There's nothing to fix and no need for you to disrespect her H. She is a normal person with normal feelings nor was he trying to "nice her" into loving him. He comforted his wife when she was upset and there was no indication that she didn't love him anyway, that was solely your conjecture.
> 
> You can tell us and yourself what ever you want to. Your actions give away EVERYTHING.
> 
> 
> What actions? Missing the person she thought she would spend her life with and knowing that her children will never have a "family thanksgiving" or a "family christmas". Do you think people make a decision like that lightly?
> 
> Your current husband will give you a shoulder to cry on but you will never give him your heart.
> 
> Your powers of mind reading amaze me. You have never met her and you know how she feels better than she does.[/SARCASM]
> 
> If he wants to take on that kind of emotional baggage then I guess he'll have to learn the hard way.
> 
> Anyone with a marriage and family behind them has emotional baggage. I have emotional baggage as does my wife, life experiences make us who we are.
> 
> Good luck to you both. Only person I pity in this story is your KISA, not your ex. He deserves more.


Wow, we finally have something to agree on. We both wish them good luck.


----------



## WonkyNinja

farsidejunky said:


> I think there's a lot of misinterpretation going on in this thread.
> 
> There are times where my mind wanders to what could have been with my ex-wife as well. It doesn't mean I actually want to be with her.
> 
> There is something about falling in love young, the naïveté associated with it, the foolish optimism, and all of that sort of gets dashed aeay when one gets divorced.
> 
> I wouldn't trade how my life has turned out since divorcing my ex-wife. But that does not mean that I don't occasionally feel sorrow for what could have been.


:iagree: My sentiments exactly.


----------



## browser

Spicy said:


> The bottom line was though that he believed I would never leave. He was wrong.


He was right. You haven't left. Even if you aren't in daily contact or living under the same roof. You are still emotionally attached. 

Furthermore, if you're that emotionally distraught over your exhusband you had NO business getting involved with someone new. It's not fair to them, it's not even fair to you.


----------



## browser

Spicy said:


> I'm a woman that rarely cries


Which means, at least to me, that crying over your exhusband is very significant. 



Spicy said:


> Also, I don't recall saying I am sad that we broke up. It was 100% my decision and doing.


Which you seem to be regretting, otherwise you wouldn't go to pieces when you're triggered by a memory. It's still inside, and it's gotta come out, one way or the other. You can deny it until the end of time, but that doesn't make it go away. It will however adversely affect your present relationship.

Speaking of your present relationship, you said it was 3 years since you divorced your exhusband. I don't know how long you're married but you met and married this new guy in something less than 3 years after your divorce. There's a good chance this relationship is nothing but a glorified rebound, and you're still pining for your ex because you never worked through the feelings, you just pushed them aside and distracted yourself with the new guy.

EDITED TO ADD

It's even worse than I thought. Upon a search of @Spicy 's back posts I found this:



Anon Pink said:


> Spicey, your husband is sexually selfish and boring. You're going to have to communicate to him, very clearly, that the sex life you two have been having for the last two years (the whole of your marriage) will not work for you. He needs to understand what exactly you want from him. And you're going to have to spell it out.


It was posted in 7/2016, at that time she was remarried for 2 years, so now it's been 2.5 years. Married 2.5 years, divorced 3 years ago, that means she met and married her present husband within 6 MONTHS of divorcing her ex of 20 years.

That doesn't leave enough time for healing. Not nearly enough.


----------



## BetrayedDad

WonkyNinja said:


> Wow, we finally have something to agree on. We both wish them good luck.


Well it's nice of you to stick up for her but my intention is not to "bash" her but to make her understand the situation. Step 1 of fixing any problem.

That she is completely hung up on her ex still and that she jumped into this new relationship WAY too soon before properly GRIEVING the old one.

New KISA husband never stood a chance..... He's not an equal partner. Just an emotional crutch while she pines away and cries for ex.

The time for sobbing at old love songs was ALONE, BEFORE she jumped into a new relationship. If ex still invokes THIS much RAW emotion, KISA is screwed.


----------



## WonkyNinja

BetrayedDad said:


> Well it's nice of you to stick up for her but my intention is not to "bash" her but to make her understand the situation. Step 1 of fixing any problem.
> 
> That she is completely hung up on her ex still and that she jumped into this new relationship WAY too soon before properly GRIEVING the old one.
> 
> New KISA husband never stood a chance..... He's not an equal partner. Just an emotional crutch while she pines away and cries for ex.
> 
> The time for sobbing at old love songs was ALONE, BEFORE she jumped into a new relationship. If ex still invokes THIS much RAW emotion, KISA is screwed.


While I respect your intent you are not "making her understand the situation" at all. 

You have invented your own situation with very little or no basis from the information she has given and based upon your own skewed view of relationships. 

You told her how she feels "You are literally crying because a part of you regrets ending the relationship. You'd rather still be married to him.". You may have ideas about how she feels but taking what you think and telling that is what is true is just crazy talk.

You have taken statements she made and then invented your own situation in place, she mentioned one event where she was crying and grieving her previous life from which you conclude that "You clearly expend a lot of emotional energy on your ex and often.". There is nothing clear here at all, she never even mentioned twice let alone often.

You have concluded that her H is just foolish and a KISA begging for her affection based upon the fact that he comforted her when she was upset and then tried to convince her that she doesn't even love him properly "Nice you into loving him." & "but you will never give him your heart." and above reiterate that by calling him "He's not an equal partner. Just an emotional crutch".

In my opinion your posts are filled with all the characteristics of emotional abuse. 

You ignore her own statements to tell her that she is wrong and you are right, you reinterpret what she said and twist it around to make her doubt her own feelings and conclude by putting her down and telling her she is not good enough for her husband even after you have belittled and emasculated him. 

If her husband had said the things you posted here to her this board would be telling her to get the fvck out from a classic abuser.


----------



## browser

WonkyNinja said:


> While I respect your intent you are not "making her understand the situation" at all.
> 
> You have invented your own situation with very little or no basis from the information she has given and based upon your own skewed view of relationships.


She was married 20 years. She divorced her husband because she felt there's no way the relationship could work but she still loved him very much (apparently she still does), to the point that they were both crying hysterically when they finalized things in divorce court. 

She meets, and marries the new guy _less than 6 months later_. It was probably even shorter than 6 months unless she met the guy a day or two after the hysterical divorce finalization.

Hubby comes home and finds her crying over her ex.

This clearly spells "rebound", and "unresolved feelings" and a boatload of denial.

Don't think there's anything left to invent.


----------



## BetrayedDad

WonkyNinja said:


> While I respect your intent you are not "making her understand the situation" at all.
> 
> You have invented your own situation with very little or no basis from the information she has given and based upon your own skewed view of relationships.


I read her comments, interpreted the fact pattern as best I could, and gave advice I deemed appropriate.

You could say that about EVERY POST on TAM. We don't know anyone or EVER get the full story. 



WonkyNinja said:


> In my opinion your posts are filled with all the characteristics of emotional abuse.


In my opinion, your head is deep in the sand and you are acting ignorant about the obvious truth staring at you in the face.

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion though, right?


----------



## browser

Yeah that whole "emotional abuse" accusation towards an internet forum poster trying to give good advice, is way over the top.


----------



## sokillme

WonkyNinja said:


> My XW and I are civil but that is it, she is very bitter that I left but ridiculed me when I told her what our problems were and just expected me to put up with them.
> 
> I am very happily remarried. My W and her X have managed to remain close friends and I'm really pleased for them. He is also remarried and recently had a baby, he is beside himself with joy about it ..... and we are both really pleased for them. I have met him on many occasions he is a great guy and I consider him a friend. They just didn't work out together as a couple.
> 
> My W was upset (tears) the other night as she knows her family will miss him at Christmas, he an outgoing type with great charisma and I fully understand that her nephews who have known him since they were babies will miss him. I've only known them a couple of years and we live a long way apart so we don't meet very often. It bothered me that she was upset, but not that she was upset about family missing him at Christmas. It doesn't change a single thing about our relationship or our feelings for each other.
> 
> It is natural to miss the happy times and you are probably still going through grief over what you lost when you left your marriage. Just because you divorced someone doesn't make them a demon, they have the same good and bad traits that they always had, in some ways it is easier to see when you are not in the middle of it. I still go through periods of grief and anger over what I lost in leaving and still second guess myself that maybe I should have stayed for my daughter when she has problems with her mother. But then my X will do something typically catty or pedantic and I remember why I left!!
> 
> 
> 
> I'm quite happy to comfort my wife over anything, and there is nothing wrong with me at all. I'm even learning that sometimes comfort is all that's needed, I don't actually have to try and fix everything because not everything can be fixed.


Um your wife was not listening to old romantic love songs once shared with her ex and you coming home to her crying about it. I get trying to be an evolved man or whatever but really. 

Frankly yes everyone has moments of whimsy about people they were with or good times, most people have the courtesy however not to expect their spouse to comfort them when they are crying about it listing to old love songs (the fact that I have to even argue this point is beyond silly to me). She posted about it that shows that at least instinctively knows something is not right. Plus she has allowed her kids to judge her new husband without giving the facts about the old husband, meaning she prioritized protecting the old husband over the new one. Not a good sign.


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## bkyln309

My ex suffered from depression and other things. I do feel for you because its a hard road to travel until you just cant anymore.

With that said, I can tell you I have never cried to my bf over my ex EVER. 

My gut says you were not truly healed from your ex when you married the new DH. You are very fortunate up until this point, it hasnt wrecked your new marriage.

I will say go get counseling. Otherwise I predict in six months to a year another post that your current Dh left you, cheated on you or asked to go to therapy to save your marriage.

This is a time not to look back anymore and be thankful for the new man in your life. Sounds like he loves you more than you do him. He may have been your escape from the pain of your ex. Now its time to get whole and love him back properly.


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## Spicy

Thank you @WonkyNinja and @farsidejunky, you guys get me.

The way this post is going I'm not sure that it matters to many give a few more details, since it seems to be more entertaining to make up all of my feelings and history. Sorry, but I'm not a drama mama. I am someone who cares about those that are my family. I don't have an on/off switch. I also didn't have the need to tell my kids every painful detail of what their father put me through. They are children, not marriage counselors. 

The song I played and cried too was not "our song". There was truly nothing romantic about it. It was a recent song "I love the way you lie." I hit play on it simply because I like the song and didn't know we owned it. In actually listening to the words and knowing why my XH had put it into HIS playlist, made me feel sad, being reminded how much I hurt him and that he continues to hurt. I wish he didn't have to hurt anymore, from any of the things he suffers from. This of course must mean I can't wait to leave my very happy and secure marriage to my husband I am over the moon for, to go back to a parioid, depressed, hugely overweight and unattractive in every way XH that never leaves his bedroom where he sits in darkness.:scratchhead:

Long before our separation and divorce I started to mourn the loss/failure of my marriage. That was back when I began to realize no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to change, and it would just continue to get worse. @doureallycare2, you nailed it, I was a caregiver, not a wife, lover and friend like I am now. I cried plenty during that time. I also fell out of love. It took me a full two years. Almost 3. My XH was so overwhelmed with his own mental and emotional issues, he didn't even notice. By the time he finally realized it was over, I had dealt with my emotions, they were no longer raw, and I was confident in my decision.

Also, for those doing research on me, I had separated from my XH years before he finally agreed to the divorce. He fought it off as long as he could. So sorry, your timeline on me rebounding is inaccurate too.


----------



## browser

Thanks for the timeline clarification.

I'm still thinking there's some unresolved feelings there but it's not as bad as it originally seemed.

That much being said, it's still a concern that you still refer to your exhusband as family and you carry such strong feelings and concern for him. I get that you are a very altruistic and caring person but at some point it will be healthier for you and your current relationship if you find a way to get past them once and for all.


----------



## Spicy

browser said:


> Thanks for the timeline clarification.
> 
> I'm still thinking there's some unresolved feelings there but it's not as bad as it originally seemed.
> 
> That much being said, it's still a concern that you still refer to your exhusband as family and you carry such strong feelings and concern for him. I get that you are a very altruistic and caring person but at some point it will be healthier for you and your current relationship if you find a way to get past them once and for all.


So true, I would rather not feel the way I do. Here's one thing that has helped me. I'm extremely close with my husbands mom. She has successfully maneuvered this situation already, (her first and second husband ended up best friends, I don't expect that of course!) she has been super helpful in telling me what to expect and reminding me that time makes things tremendously better. She also doesn't hate her ex, it was just a relationship that died. She warmly welcomes him and his LTGF to all family functions. So I have seen it in motion. I think it is a rarity though, and don't remotely hold out that hope for my situation, nor do I want that level of friendliness.

I agree, because I have spells where we don't converse at all for a month or two at a time. Those time spans are wonderful! We are all just hoping XH some day soon starts to move on and find some happiness. Him finding some happiness will have a great affect on our girls. Now they see the reality during their days with their dad, and get finally get it, because I am no longer there to absorb it all and fix things. To me it was better they realize all that on there own, over me pointing out all the reasons I divorced their father.


----------



## tailrider3

Spicy said:


> Yes and no. About every three months I would sit down with him and explain how hard all of this was on me, and that I couldn't keep going on this way, and for him to please seek help. He would improve for a couple weeks, then back to the same. The times he put forth effort to get professional help (psychiatrist) he would go once and then never follow through again. It made me feel so very unimportant to him.
> 
> The bottom line was though that he believed I would never leave. He was wrong.


Hmmmm...I can relate. To be honest, for me it was embarrassing to go and finally seek some help so I can understand.

Either way, it is old news. For the future though, if you ever need to have that talk with your new hubby, I would give an ultimatum. Sometimes "we" listen but don't actually "hear"... 

All the Best...


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## Satya

Spicy, while I see your situation from fsj's view so well, I simultaneously agree with 3x's urging that you remove yourself from the iTunes account and ask your mom to do what she will by maintaining contact with your ex but leave you completely out of it. 

I say this not because I think you're hung up on your ex, but because I think it's the right thing to do for your own self and your current marriage, if that makes any sense.


----------



## WonkyNinja

sokillme said:


> Um your wife was not listening to old romantic love songs once shared with her ex and you coming home to her crying about it. I get trying to be an evolved man or whatever but really.


I'll take being an evolved man as a huge compliment, thank you. 



sokillme said:


> Frankly yes everyone has moments of whimsy about people they were with or good times, most people have the courtesy however not to expect their spouse to comfort them when they are crying about it listing to old love songs (the fact that I have to even argue this point is beyond silly to me). She posted about it that shows that at least instinctively knows something is not right. Plus she has allowed her kids to judge her new husband without giving the facts about the old husband, meaning she prioritized protecting the old husband over the new one. Not a good sign.


I don't think she said she allowed her kids to judge her new husband. She said in post 11 that her youngest has "barely taken to her stepdad", which is understandable for a young child who still hopes that her parents will get back together. You can't dictate to your children how they will feel towards someone. 

I take the fact that she has insulated her children from the reasons for the break up and not demeaned their father to them as a very good sign. No parent should try to turn their children against the other parent. The children have to work out their own relationships with both parents for themselves.


----------



## bandit.45

I care for my ex to the extent that I would hope no bad things befall her. But that is for her to decide.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Spicy said:


> Thank you @WonkyNinja and @farsidejunky, you guys get me.
> 
> The way this post is going I'm not sure that it matters to many give a few more details, since it seems to be more entertaining to make up all of my feelings and history. Sorry, but I'm not a drama mama. I am someone who cares about those that are my family. I don't have an on/off switch. I also didn't have the need to tell my kids every painful detail of what their father put me through. They are children, not marriage counselors.
> 
> The song I played and cried too was not "our song". There was truly nothing romantic about it. It was a recent song "I love the way you lie." I hit play on it simply because I like the song and didn't know we owned it. In actually listening to the words and knowing why my XH had put it into HIS playlist, made me feel sad, being reminded how much I hurt him and that he continues to hurt. I wish he didn't have to hurt anymore, from any of the things he suffers from. This of course must mean I can't wait to leave my very happy and secure marriage to my husband I am over the moon for, to go back to a parioid, depressed, hugely overweight and unattractive in every way XH that never leaves his bedroom where he sits in darkness.:scratchhead:
> 
> Long before our separation and divorce I started to mourn the loss/failure of my marriage. That was back when I began to realize no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to change, and it would just continue to get worse. @doureallycare2, you nailed it, I was a caregiver, not a wife, lover and friend like I am now. I cried plenty during that time. I also fell out of love. It took me a full two years. Almost 3. My XH was so overwhelmed with his own mental and emotional issues, he didn't even notice. By the time he finally realized it was over, I had dealt with my emotions, they were no longer raw, and I was confident in my decision.
> 
> Also, for those doing research on me, I had separated from my XH years before he finally agreed to the divorce. He fought it off as long as he could. So sorry, your timeline on me rebounding is inaccurate too.



Spicy,i do get where your coming from, and in no way are robbing your current husband with the sympathy and empathy for your former husband. And i have to say that i feel your current husband is truly a man of strengthen and more importantly a man of compassion, to support you and the needs of your ex. let's face it, in this day and age its easy to hate, easy to throwaway a soul, its much harder to lend a hand or heart so as to allow another human being the ability to stand up on their own and make them whole. 

I place this quote in another section but i feel it is also applicable here. 

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”

take heart spicy, you can throw that life preserver to your ex, because you are fortunate to have life line with your current husband.


----------



## Spicy

@Satya. You are very right. With my mom it's odd. Again where parents would perhaps be upset at their child's spouse for messing up thier kids life, she doesn't feel that way. She feels the same as my husband and I for him, empathy for him dealing with these emotional challenges. Since he is so much of a hermit loner, she rarely interacts with him either. Turns out that they had just went out to pizza with our girls, and she asked him that question. So although I don't think it will come up much (her relating things to me about XH) I think the advice to ask her to not tell me at all is very sound. I will continue to be aware of a lot in his life just from the dialog with our girls in joint custody, and that is plenty for me.
@tailrider3 Thank you, noted! Hubby and I are together 24/7 because of our jobs and situation, and we are both big communicators. Anyone that spends anytime around us is probably thinking, "do these two knuckleheads ever shut up?" Even though that would perhaps help us avoid this type of thing, you are right. With my XH I only kept saying how unhappy I was and that I couldn't continue like this. Obviously that was too subtle. 
@WonkyNinja You nailed it again.
@Xenote You capture my feelings exactly. I am insanely proud to have a husband that is so strong, kind, empathetic and also completely secure in our relationship. It has been hard to stand by and hear all these mean things about him in this thread because of my post. I think he has been amazing. The way he handles it has helped our daughters to adapt and know that their stepdad is such a good man. He frequently asks them how he is doing etc. Your post was beautiful to me, thank you. I feel that I have been extremely blessed that he entered our lives. I'm insanely in love with my KISA, even if that term is meant by some to be a negative, it is a huge positive to me!


----------



## Haiku

Spicy said:


> Wow guys...kinda brutal on a one time cry....
> 
> I fell out of love with my XH a decade ago. I would never, EVER go back to him and the constant misery my life was. NEVER.
> 
> ...
> 
> What I am gleaning from this discussion is that most that are divorced strongly dislike or perhaps hate who they divorced. Or perhaps they have no experience with an Ex with severe emotional and mental issues. Either way, I will agree to disagree.
> 
> My husband and I will continue to be kind to my XH and to show him respect, and speak well of him always in front of our daughters. I really hope he finds love again and at some point aggressively works on his other issues.


Hello Spicy - I relate to your feelings very much. 

Despite the situation my relationship ended amicably, but it was painful. 

Pain can often accompany the act of 'doing the right thing'. Just because it hurts doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. The pain means we're human. We do not have to be mean, resentful, or hurtful. We are free to be respectful, compassionate, and caring.


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## doureallycare2

Spicy,

It sounds like you have some good discernment regarding some of the reply's you've received. Its always a scary thing when you look for advice.


----------



## billbird2111

I am a guy, but I have the same issues. She left me for another guy. But he just used her and dumped her pretty quickly after she left me. He was already married to someone else with two pre-teen kids at home. Given that he was 56 and married to his wife for 30 years -- he made the smart move by opting not to pay alimony and child support into his retirement years. Unfortunately, our marriage was destroyed. We made it nearly 14 years. We were together for 20.

I still love her deeply. And I wonder when this will end. Of course, it's only been seven months. Perhaps time? More time I mean?

I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through Christmas. Thanksgiving was God awful. Not the fault of the host. It just wasn't right. But I just don't want to be around anyone. Period. Well, I do want to be around her. But that's not happening. Not this year. Probably not ever. I've come to accept that. It hurts, but I've accepted it. I suppose this is part of "moving on."

Still -- if any of you have any tips for surviving what had once been the best day of the year, I'd like to hear them. Because right now, I don't want to do anything except cancel Christmas.


----------



## doureallycare2

billbird2111 said:


> Still -- if any of you have any tips for surviving what had once been the best day of the year, I'd like to hear them. Because right now, I don't want to do anything except cancel Christmas.



I bet you can get a lot of advice but you may need to start your own thread. I feel your pain.


----------



## ulyssesheart

Spicy said:


> I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.
> 
> Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.
> 
> Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.
> 
> This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.
> 
> I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.
> 
> Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
> I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.
> 
> Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.
> 
> Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?



I just got around to reading this. You are very brave in writing this. You are a very emphatic person. I am happy for you. 

If I were your current husband, I honestly would be very jealous, but would keep my feelings hidden. I presume your husband knew the back-story before asking you for your hand, asking for your body, *asking for the rest of your life*. In thinking about this, your new husband came to the conclusion that you gave your Ex ~20 years of your life. You were fair. You showed character and solidity. You remained a catch.


----------



## Spicy

ulyssesheart said:


> I just got around to reading this. You are very brave in writing this. You are a very emphatic person. I am happy for you.
> 
> If I were your current husband, I honestly would be very jealous, but would keep my feelings hidden. I presume your husband knew the back-story before asking you for your hand, asking for your body, *asking for the rest of your life*. In thinking about this, your new husband came to the conclusion that you gave your Ex ~20 years of your life. You were fair. You showed character and solidity. You remained a catch.


Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. My husband definitely isn't jealous at all over my XH. He also knows the backstory in full, glaring detail. That is why he is able to feel such empathy also. We don't hide our feelings, even if sharing them with each other is awkward, or may envoke the occasional hurt feelings. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and have zero poker face. If I ever got even the slightest vibe that he was hurt or jealous, I would make every adjustment to change. He is my priority, without a doubt. I am head over heels in love with this man, for a million reasons.


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## Diana7

Spicy said:


> I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.
> 
> Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.
> 
> Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.
> 
> This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.
> 
> I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.
> 
> Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
> I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.
> 
> Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.
> 
> Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?


 I think its a big mistake that a)your mother still sees him and b)that she tells you things he has said etc. You need to cut off all contact except for literally passing the children(and maybe you new husband could do that?). The more you have him as part of your life the harder it will be to move on. 
I do wonder if you married again too soon, to be married again after only 3 years when you clearly haven't cut the ties was maybe unwise, it was 6 years till I married again after my divorce. 

You husband is being very patient, but he is your husband now, and the past needs to stay in the past.Think of you husband now, focus only on him, cut ties with the ex as much as you can, and if your mother wont stop seeing the ex, then tell her not to pass on any information about him. Living with regret and guilt is so destructive and unhelpful for you and your marriage.


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## Diana7

Spicy said:


> I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.
> 
> Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.
> 
> Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.
> 
> This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.
> 
> I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.
> 
> Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
> I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.
> 
> Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.
> 
> Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?


 I think its a big mistake that a)your mother still sees him and b)that she tells you things he has said etc. You need to cut off all contact except for literally passing the children(and maybe you new husband could do that?). The more you have him as part of your life the harder it will be to move on. 
I do wonder if you married again too soon, to be married again after only 3 years when you clearly haven't cut the ties was maybe unwise, it was 6 years till I married again after my divorce. 

You husband is being very patient, but he is your husband now, and the past needs to stay in the past.Think of you husband now, focus only on him, cut ties with the ex as much as you can, and if your mother wont stop seeing the ex, then tell her not to pass on any information about him. Living with regret and guilt is so destructive and unhelpful for you and your marriage.


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## Spicy

Diana7 said:


> I think its a big mistake that a)your mother still sees him and b)that she tells you things he has said etc. You need to cut off all contact except for literally passing the children(and maybe you new husband could do that?). The more you have him as part of your life the harder it will be to move on.
> I do wonder if you married again too soon, to be married again after only 3 years when you clearly haven't cut the ties was maybe unwise, it was 6 years till I married again after my divorce.
> 
> You husband is being very patient, but he is your husband now, and the past needs to stay in the past.Think of you husband now, focus only on him, cut ties with the ex as much as you can, and if your mother wont stop seeing the ex, then tell her not to pass on any information about him. Living with regret and guilt is so destructive and unhelpful for you and your marriage.


Thank you for your reply. Yes, my mom, XH and children all attend the same church, so they do see each other some. Because of his anxiety I don't think he goes much though. My motto with my mom is "Let's not discuss XH". Still, occasionally she tells me something and it is usually related to the concerns we all share about my youngest who has the emotional problems of her dad. We worry about suicide etc. I agree that you are right, but it seems nearly impossible to not hear things about my kids dad...they live with him half the time, talk about him all the time etc. Plus, my mom occasionally voicing her concern to me about him and by extension our girls.

You are right, my DH is very patient about this matter. In his romantic life he had no relatonships that ended badly. He is still on great terms with his exes, though he has no children so he doesn't keep in touch with them much at all. I think because of this and his parents he completely gets where I am coming from in still having compassion for the dad of my girls. I agree with you, my DH deserves all of my attention. I would say him and my girls get 99.9% of it. .1% does go to empathy for their dad. I don't see that I will ever lose that. It is part of how God made me. I will always hope for the best for him and have care for him.

How true it is for me not to hang on to the guilt of leaving my marriage. I am tremendously better than I was at first. I was truly overrun by guilt. That's why I waited as long as I did to date. I was in no shape to be a good partner in life. The guilt still hits me once in a while, but it is getting less and less as the years pass.

I think however I worded this post has led many to think I am not over my XH. Nothing could be further than the truth. As I said, we were separated and just living on different floors of the house for a very long time before physical separation and divorce. I am completely confident that I was totally ready to remarry, and doing that is one of the best decisions I have made in the last decade. I just wish I would have met my DH even sooner.


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## Faithful Wife

Wow, @Spicy you sure took a beating on this thread. I'm really surprised....well, I guess not really because this is TAM...so many people have been burned and/or betrayed.

I'm still friends with my ex-h and I always will be. He and I are truly just friends now, but we are good friends. He is part of my family, and through our divorce he was able to remain in touch with all of them, even though it was hard at first. Now everything is fine. We do not want to be together again. We loved each other dearly and our breakup wasn't like yours...but it was a necessary thing and we both agreed to it happening (even though it was the hardest decision of both of our lives).

It took awhile for us to adjust but now...everything is great.

I talked about this on a thread of mine once and got a little bit of push back from people who felt the way some of the posters on this thread feel. I have to take it all in stride because no one here knows me or the situation, and I know it is a good friendship and that's all that matters (I wasn't asking anyone for advice or comment about my friendship with him at all).

My parents were divorced, and I've been through it too, I've also worked for a family law attorney and saw dozens of divorces that way. It is absolutely true that some people can remain friends, or simply care about each other forever like family (like you feel about your ex-h), and be good and kind to each other, keep each other in our prayers, and hold our heads high. This doesn't mean we want to be together again. 

When I was a child, it hurt my feelings that my parents weren't more civil. They were ok, but not friendly in the least. I always felt like "hey you two, YOU are the ones who made ME now YOU should be the bigger person and realize that you loved my other parent enough at one time to MAKE ME so now deal with it and just be nice to each other!" To me it wasn't fair that they would be "rude" to my other parent, right in front of me. I was of course too young to understand their dynamic, and now I realize given everything that happened they really were about a civil as they could have been toward each other. But through that experience I wanted to look for examples of people who were kind and were friends who were divorced. I had a couple of great examples of this in my family, and then of course saw many more at the family law office.

No doubt I also saw contentious divorced people, and in many cases, it simply has to be this way (I don't expect anyone to be friends with someone who totally f*cked them over). And I respect anyone who simply wouldn't want to hold any ties to their ex. 

But for the exes who can remain friends, or simply care deeply about each other, or just remain in touch briefly even....it is heartwarming, to me.


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## colingrant

Sounds like you're just a thoughtful, considerate, loving human being who can have real thoughts of concern and well being for someone who you once loved. Beautiful to me. I don't get the impression your husband is threatened. He knows he has a loving wife who cares for others.


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