# Terrified Hubby will take out anger on the kids



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

For the past few weeks, I decided I needed to divorce my husband. We are having some financial problems due to his and his ex-wife poor money-saving skills. (see my thread on Hubby draining me financially.) My primary reason I have been unhappy in the marriage is he loves his computer more than me. He chats with women and has met 2 of them already. Third reason is he spends very little quality time with our two sons.

So, I secretly made a lot of calls and talked to lots of professionals about the whole divorce process. This gave me extreme anxiety because I was afraid of his reaction. I finally confessed, he grew angry, and I ended up taking anti-depressants to save my life. I was literally suicidal, because the anxiety pains were so bad. I felt like I was forced in a prison in my own mind.

After 2 weeks on the drug, I still wanted to follow-through with the divorce. Hubby thought I lost my mind due to my depression, and didn't take me seriously. We had another huge fight regarding our money and his daughter problems. Our fights usually end up with him being angry, and me crying. He almost convinced me that our love was strong enough to overcome all these problems, but then I said Stepdaughter was favored moneywise, and the huge amount of money towards her tuition/room and board was taking away from our two sons. So, divorce still on.

After another counseling session, I felt pretty good with my decisions. Hubby continued to feel worse. Right now, I can't move out and care for the kids at the same time. He threatened me, and called me abusive, and won't allow me to take the kids to a 2 bedroom apartment I almost signed a lease for.

The worst part of this story just happened. I heard Hubby scream in the most scary loud voice, "Go downstairs!" Our first son raced downstairs into my arms and cried profusely. And it wasn't his usual sobs to get attention. I believed he was terrified, as was I, and this is 7 year old little boy. Hubby is 5 times his size. I knew Hubby's anger was directed towards me. I cried with my son. I asked him if Dad scares him a lot when I am not home. He said "yes". Few minutes later, Hubby orders him to come upstairs for his bath. Of course, son started crying and was reluctant to face his father after the loud outburst. Hubby grabs him and carries him upstairs. I didn't know what was going to happen. Will he spank our child for the first time because of his rage? Fortunately nothing further happened, and both boys are in bed. Was this a common occurence? First son said Dad doesn't yell at second son. And the offense that triggered the rage was First Son kept knocking on the bathroom door while Dad gave Second Son a bath. 

Now I am really worried about the after-effects of a divorce. Hubby predicts he will be angry for years. Now I truly believe he will direct the anger towards the kids. Before, I thought I can escape his anger by divorcing, but the kids can't escape it. He will most likely get visitation rights. So now I feel I might have to stay in a suffocating marriage to protect the kids. I played out lots of worst case scenarios in my head during my divorce/exit plan, but never imagined it may end up that my two little boys will get abused by their father.

Sorry this got so long. I mostly want to get that story out, as I really don't have a very good support group. My parents, my brothers, my friends are just as spineless as me. He says he loves me and all three of his kids. Now I am back to feeling I am trapped in a life of unhappiness.


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

You seem to be having a lot of different things going on here.

First: his computer use and other women: he's having at least emotional affairs, probably leading to physical. His anger can be caused partly by that.

Second: You are getting stronger (therapy, meds) and it is scaring him, causing the anger. Only he can control that. You are not responsible for that.

Third: He says he'll be angry for years. That is the most immature thing anyone can say. Did he stamp his foot, too? He is acting like a child and you are indulging by keeping your children in that situation. Get your children therapy NOW. Start building your case, if he wants to be angry for years then he can have court-ordered supervised access to his children. Start documenting it now.

Fourth: What do you hope to accomplish by staying in the house and allowing your children to be exposed to this behaviour? Nothing is going to change unless you shake up the dynamic.

As much as I want to tell you how sorry I am and how you don't deserve this, I can't. Because your two little boys only have you as their advocate and you need to be strong for them. If this were a friend and you were watching from the outside what would you be saying? You'd tell her to get out. Lean on family, get emergency court orders for support and custody, look to whatever social services you can get. Anything.

Get your kids safe, then we'll talk about you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This sounds like abusive behavior, and I encourage you to call a women's hotline/shelter for advice. He is trying to frighten you to maintain control of you. I very seriously doubt that staying would help; the abuse would continue--you were clearly already afraid of his rage (as you said, you did so much secretly b/c you feared his response). As soon as he is out the door to work or whatever gives you privacy, call for help. Someone will give you advice. I'm so, so sorry you are in this situation and it is so miserable for you. Try to remain calm in appearance if nothing else, to help your boys and yourself. You can take care of things, really; and "going it alone" does not mean literally alone--it means seeking out the help you need and accepting that help. God bless.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I slept very little last night as usual. Hubby is making lots of noise downstairs, I am afraid to go check it out. Is he moving out? I feel sorry for him. Odd as it may sound, after all the events in my past, I still think he loves me and I love him, and we will never find anyone else more compatible. 

My plan today is to get my first son to see the school psychologist, and figure out if our marital problems are distressing him. I will continue to clean to set up the house for sale. I might call an abuse hotline to see if Hubby's behavior is truly abusive. I am often guilty of being oversensitive. At this stage, I don't think he will change enough for me. 

Thanks for your advice.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Document, document, document. Get him on tape. You're going to need it.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

It sounds like you are a wise woman. Get help for the sake of you and your kids.

It doesn't mean that you don't love him. Sometimes getting help is the best thing a wife can do for their marriage and H may thank you for it later.

Who knows? He may have some deep inner stuff going on that only a counselor can help him with... that will turn him back into the man you met and fell in love with.

But for right now, it doesn't sound like you have much choice... be wise, don't panic.

Get as much evidence and documentation as you can and get help as soon as you can.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Hubby did apologize to our son, and told him that he wasn't angry at him, but at Mom. Ouch! Fair enough, as I asked our son if Daddy yells and is scary all the time. 

Since then, kids appear unharmed and are happy all the time. The school psychologist hasn't called back. 

Please follow my reconcilation thread
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/8130-my-heartfelt-story-still-progress.html


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

Sensitive

Pardon while I advocate for the husband a little here.

1. Financial issues.
2. Ex-wife issues.
3. Step-daughter issues.
4. Computer use issues.
5. Computer friends (Social friends or true infidelity?)
6. Inattentiveness to wife and children.

Your husband sounds like he is "trying" to work through some fairly strong depression and tough family issues. For the most part, he has been managing his depression, though inappropriately. You are forcing him away from the means that he uses to manage that depression....hence, the yelling at son. Depression is nothing more than fear, frustration and anger without the hightened emotional outbursts. He needs help in the worst possible way.

I am sure he loves you and the children. He's in a survival mode right now until he believes he can pull through. It ain't going to happen unless he receives professional help. Also, if you are placing an enormous amount of pressure on him to give you the attention that you seem somewhat adamant about, then you are running his cup over.

If you love this man and your marriage, then you need to get him some help. He may be defiant to the idea. Use some sound reasoning and logic. If he doesn't, just let him know, calmly, that his behavior is destroying your marriage and family. If he doesn't wake up after that, then you need to go ahead and move on with your children. It will hit him later and he will have to deal with an enormous amount of grief.


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