# infatuation



## advice (Mar 27, 2012)

I've been with my current spouse 9 years (married 5).
No kids. 

Recently (2 weeks) hired a new employee at the work place.
She has a boyfriend. I'm her boss. 

For some reason, I'm completely infatuated with her. Like getting married type of infatuation. Everything about her just seems right. We share the same hobbies. I know its wrong to think like this, since I've always looked up to people who are faithful in their marriages. I just can't get her off my mind. I've been reading articles on the internet on trying to read body language. Trying to decipher how she feels with no luck. 

I shouldn't even be doing that, since I have a wife at home that loves me. 

Advice? 
Will it get better?


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

advice said:


> I'm completely infatuated with her. Like getting married type of infatuation. Everything about her just seems right. We share the same hobbies. I know its wrong to think like this, since I've always looked up to people who are faithful in their marriages. I just can't get her off my mind. I've been reading articles on the internet on trying to read body language. Trying to decipher how she feels with no luck.
> 
> I shouldn't even be doing that, since I have a wife at home that loves me.
> 
> ...


It could get a LOT better but don't do anything until and unless you divorce your wife and she breaks up with her boyfriend. 

Finish one thing before you start another, it's the honorable thing to do.

Also you gotta find out if she feels the same way before you make any major decisions regarding your own marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Really? 

You want to marry her, lose your job most likely and your family just because she's cute and makes you feel fluttery?

Wow. Think with your big head.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Wow I am willing to bet you really do not know this person at all. Think you have created an ideal of who this girl is and the fact that you are her boss and a married man.:scratchhead:

Grow some integrity here. Nothing about this is right and you should go home, get some MC with your wife, beg her forgiveness for being lead off by your little thinker.

stop reading about ways to figure out if this girl likes you back and start reading about marriages and how to become a better husband. That would help a lot in your case.


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## advice (Mar 27, 2012)

Thanks for the advice. Just needed some sense knocked into me. 
Do other people in marriages ever feel this tug too? 
It seems to me that the pursuit of a girl is thrilling. Something that's kind of lost once you're married.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Pursue your wife.

There are many things you don't know about her, promise.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

But you can chace your wife still. Hunt her down, think about blowing her mind. start making your wife your prey again. you should think about "lighting her fire." in new amazing ways. There is a thrill in that. Woo her all over again.

If you think about the goal and work it to a creative level then you can feel that feeling, of Conquer, for your wife.


I would say that some people do feel the tug. Feeling something and acting on it are two different things.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

advice said:


> It seems to me that the pursuit of a girl is thrilling. Something that's kind of lost once you're married.


The hunter gives up the thrill of the chase in exchange for the deer head and antlers he gets to mount over the fireplace. He gets to sit there and look at it, night after night, he can even stroke it if he so desires but after 20 years or so it's going to start showing signs of wear and tear, maybe even mold and fungus if it wasn't prepared correctly by the taxidermist. At which point the old hunter just might yearn for the chase of another young doe..


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

advice said:


> Thanks for the advice. Just needed some sense knocked into me.
> Do other people in marriages ever feel this tug too?
> It seems to me that the pursuit of a girl is thrilling. Something that's kind of lost once you're married.


I wish with all my heart that my H had told me that he was attracted to a young co-worker. He thought it was harmless and he didn't want to upset me. She pursued him and flattered his ego. He loved it. If he had informed me, we could have talked about why he was thinking the way he was and how we could come together to make our relationship stronger. He didn't tell me and the rest is our sad history. We have lost something that we can never get back. I still have times when I wish that I had left him. It is very hard to forgive someone for willingly causing this much pain for no better reason than selfishness and a cheap thrill.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

I had a couple of employees who my downstream managers hired that I went WAY out of my way to avoid and spoke to as little as possible because I found them extremely attractive and I was very vulnerable at the time.

I am the darned business owner and I was afraid to go into parts of my own building because I felt a biological pull I had never experienced before, and hope I never feel again. To be honest, even now, just writing about it, I can still feel the draw. I can't think of the words to describe it. The fact that I was receiving uninvited indicators of interest from the employees made it even harder to stay away on a primal level, but made alarm bells ring even louder on a rational thought level. It surprised me how the feelings came seemingly out of nowhere overnight.

I had never experienced an adult "crush" before since being married, but fortunately, I very quickly recognized it for what it was and stayed as far away from the employees as possible. "Good Morning" and "Good Night" were as far as my conversations extended, except for the absolute minimum business talk I needed to engage in with them. I avoided ANY personal talk. It took more willpower than I ever would have thought it would. 

I recognized that there was absolutely no upside to getting to know the employees in question. Nothing good was going to come of any outcome in the situation. I would at best/worst end up:

A. Making a fool of myself-and probably getting sued.
B. Ending up in some sort of relationship-and probably getting sued.
C. Becoming emotionally invested in something that I didn't want to become invested in, and suffering guilt/shame/pain, as well as causing guilt/shame/pain.

All three options would be modeling poor behavior for my children, hurt my spouse, hurt me, and probably lead to divorce. They would also be very contrary to my moral code. 

I stayed away from the edge of the slippery slope because I was afraid of what might happen if I started down it just one half step. My moral code was feeling pretty weak for a while, and I have always been strong as a freaking Oak when it comes to morals.

Avoid temptation by not ever putting yourself in tempting situations. If you can't avoid those situations, let the person go. When we had a short-term downturn, I made sure that the employees who I felt the pull towards were the first to be laid off. I am glad I made that choice. It wasn't really fair to the employees, but it needed to happen for the sake of my family and my own sake.

Rational thought can win out over biology if you want it to.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are bored---you are in a same old, same old---place,--- in your mge.

Mge is hard work----

Get a rubber band, put it on your wrist---and everythime you start to think of this younger, so called hot chick---snap the rubber band 4 or 5 times REAL HARD---to wake yourself up

You were once infatuated with your wife, as you are now---why don't you start doing some of those spicy things that you think about with this girl, do them with your wife-----SPICE UP YOUR MGE---go out on dates---do things

That snapping rubber band, had better wake you up---otherwise you are headed, for a destruction you have no idea of what its like----nuclear winter, will just be mild.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Been there, done that. I once worked with a guy who was really good looking and very very funny. We were buddies, nothing more. Then, I had a sex dream about him and started to look at him differently. I never noticed but he had the hots for me as well. We had an EA and all I could think of was him. 

IT TOTALLY SCREWED UP MY LIFE. My infatuation, even though I didn't take it anywhere made me see my husband differently. Made me want to be out of my marriage. Made me want to be 15 again. Made me view my husband as a father figure and I resented him like crazy. 

I know it seems innocent right now, but it only takes one thing and you will have made a huge mistake you will have trouble living with. It is natural to be attracted to people even when you are married (you are not dead after all). Its what you do and how you handle the situation that makes all the difference in the world. The problem is we idealize these people and think they are just what we are looking for. After I woke up and put together the pieces of who he really was, I was horrified.

By the way, it has been over 10 years since this happened to me. If I would have left my hubby for this other man, I would have been living with a sex addict who would cheat on me at every turn. He also likes beastiality videos, wants to watch his wife screw another man, and has a gallon of lube next to his very large porno collection. How do I know this? He still sends me email once in a while to "fish" about my marriage. I don't answer, but some of his emails get pretty detailed.


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## advice (Mar 27, 2012)

The crazy thing, is that I enjoy going to work to see her there. The weekends are long and the weekdays are short! So crazy. I wake up before the alarm. I come to work early. Usually I go late... 

Time to do the rubber band trick.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Of course this is normal, it has happened to me before, and is likely to happen to everyone. You just have to keep in mind that this is just a chemical reaction in your brain and it will pass.

Try going into the bathroom just after she has taken a dump. It can help to break the spell.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

It is easy to get attracted in your work place.

You should consider: 
1. The girl already has a boy friend. May be they are planning marriage. Would you like to put this girl in guilt? If you truly respect her, will you do this?
2. Suppose, your wife is fatally attracted to your neighbour. Imagine. How will you feel?

My advice to you is to remain a boss. And thats it. Stop yourself from imagining or pursuing her.

If you do pursue, you are only causing hurt and pain to the girl you like. Dont be selfish.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

advice said:


> The crazy thing, is that I enjoy going to work to see her there. The weekends are long and the weekdays are short! So crazy. I wake up before the alarm. I come to work early. Usually I go late...
> 
> Time to do the rubber band trick.


so you've already started an EA, one sided, but it's still an EA.

You walk on thin ice, my friend.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> Been there, done that. I once worked with a guy who was really good looking and very very funny. We were buddies, nothing more. Then, I had a sex dream about him and started to look at him differently. I never noticed but he had the hots for me as well. We had an EA and all I could think of was him.
> 
> IT TOTALLY SCREWED UP MY LIFE. My infatuation, even though I didn't take it anywhere made me see my husband differently. Made me want to be out of my marriage. Made me want to be 15 again. Made me view my husband as a father figure and I resented him like crazy.
> 
> ...


that took a dark turn


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

I would like to take issue with the suggestion that the woman should be removed form her post with a good reference. there is no basis for this what so ever. It is as much an abuse of power as to shag her would be.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Lets forget the moral and ethical issues for a moment,not that they aren't the most important part of this-A man is only as good as his word, and you gave your word to your wife when you married her!

Look at this from a purely rational viewpoint. I don't know if you own the business or not. If you do, and you pursue this, you will likely end up left with nothing.

The employee will sue you for Sexual Harassment and take half of your business. Your wife will divorce you and take the other half. You will have lost your marriage, be broke, be alone, and be known far and wide as That Guy who is willing to step out on his wife. Good luck digging out of that hole. Do you really want to be out on your @ss in the dating market as a broke, unemployed cheater? You don't want to be That Guy.

If you are an employee of the business, when the employee sues, you will lose your job, you'll end up divorced, be broke and unemployed, and again, be That Guy.

It is really only a question of whether a lawsuit from the employee comes sooner or later. 

Any relationship you try to have with the employee might well get shot down quickly. How much fun will work be to go to then? Talk about embarrassing and awkward 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for god knows how long. You now have an employee who is bulletproof and can do whatever she wants because YOU CAN'T DISCIPLINE HER for anything!

OR

If your attempts to develop something don't get shot down quickly by her and things go somewhere, it will eventually end. Relationships like this always do. You will have a scorned ex-lover as well as a scorned wife, both of whom are in very strong positions of power over your future. 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and the quickest and best routes for the two scorned women to get revenge is through a Divorce suit and a Sexual Harassment suit.

Boy, that doesn't sound like much fun to me. What do you think of those options?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

BitterSweetGanderSauce said:


> I would like to take issue with the suggestion that the woman should be removed form her post with a good reference. there is no basis for this what so ever. It is as much an abuse of power as to shag her would be.


Nobody ever said life is fair. If the OP can't exercise the willpower to keep out of trouble, it isn't fair to the other completely innocent employees of the business to risk their jobs from a Sexual Harassment suit that could bankrupt the business. 

Being a boss means a responsibility to the business and all of the employees, and the needs of the business and the many other employees outweigh the needs of any individual employee.

Being a boss means making lots of decisions that suck.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I recall feeling that way about a woman a few years back; similar situation in the workplace. But my sense of honor wouldn't allow it. Get in touch with whatever you value about yourself and get over it. Get another job if necessary. Believe me, as so many on this site could tell you, it ain't worth it. The pain and destruction you sow over this woman will be with you forever.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Be wary of peolple who connect with you so easily, most likely they do the same thing with other people as well, and they leave a trail of personal wreckage behind them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Tell your wife now.Do it! it will be painful to tell your wife this but no nearly as painful as when she finds out you have been unfaithful. Tell her, you can do it. I wish my H had.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

advice said:


> Thanks for the advice. Just needed some sense knocked into me.
> Do other people in marriages ever feel this tug too?
> It seems to me that the pursuit of a girl is thrilling. Something that's kind of lost once you're married.


Of course they do but the honorable ones walk away.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

You do realize that relationships that start in infidelity only 3% of them survive. These kind of relationships are very very high risk and with almost a miniscule chance that this would even work out for the long term..so really why bother??


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Of course this is normal, it has happened to me before, and is likely to happen to everyone. You just have to keep in mind that this is just a chemical reaction in your brain and it will pass.
> 
> Try going into the bathroom just after she has taken a dump. It can help to break the spell.


LOL...that's funny! I said something similar to my H...I said to him that while you guys were chatting on Yahoo Messenger she was probably sitting on the toilet pinching a loaf off..(sounds crude but I couldn't help myself)


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

highwood said:


> LOL...that's funny! I said something similar to my H...I said to him that while you guys were chatting on Yahoo Messenger she was probably sitting on the toilet pinching a loaf off..(sounds crude but I couldn't help myself)


It was a joke but the point is a serious one. After years of marriage, kids and domesticity the mystique disappears. 

You can't compete with a new person, so we have to remind ourselves that the object of our infatuation is just another human being, carrying around 4 to 9 pounds of warm fecal matter.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

advice said:


> The crazy thing, is that I enjoy going to work to see her there. The weekends are long and the weekdays are short! So crazy. I wake up before the alarm. I come to work early. Usually I go late...
> 
> Time to do the rubber band trick.


Of course you enjoy seeing her--fantasies are always intoxicating. Remember that you are not seeing her in the morning without makeup; you do not have to negotiate with her over household chores; you do not have to figure out together how to discipline your children.

Attraction to other people is natural. It is what you do with this feeling that determines what kind of person you are. Do not throw away your marriage over a fleeting feeling of lust.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Or more simply put....grow up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How about just STOP. Seriously, you are her boss. And married.. Don't be shady.



endlessgrief said:


> By the way,* it has been over 10 years since this happened to me*. If I would have left my hubby for this other man, I would have been living with a sex addict who would cheat on me at every turn. He also likes beastiality videos, wants to watch his wife screw another man, and has a gallon of lube next to his very large porno collection. *How do I know this? He still sends me email once in a while to "fish" about my marriage. I don't answer, but some of his emails get pretty detailed*.


Why haven't you blocked his emails if this was 10 years ago? Yuck.

No contact = no contact at all whatsoever



hisfac said:


> The hunter gives up the thrill of the chase in exchange for the deer head and antlers he gets to mount over the fireplace. He gets to sit there and look at it, night after night, he can even stroke it if he so desires but after 20 years or so it's going to start showing signs of wear and tear, maybe even mold and fungus if it wasn't prepared correctly by the taxidermist. At which point the old hunter just might yearn for the chase of another young doe..


Ew


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sure you've had crushes before. And they have all faded away. Like all crushes, you know this one too will fade away once you take her off the pedestal you've put her on, or when you turn your mind to other things instead of letting yourself obsess about her.

Turn your mind to your wife. Rediscover the woman you fell in love with and married. Surprise her this weekend with a little getaway trip somewhere and have hot hotel sex.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

I'd suggest putting the rubber band something other than his wrist ;~)


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

[QU
Turn your mind to your wife. Rediscover the woman you fell in love with and married. Surprise her this weekend with a little getaway trip somewhere and have hot hotel sex. [/QUOTE]

Works for me.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

advice said:


> Thanks for the advice. Just needed some sense knocked into me.
> Do other people in marriages ever feel this tug too?
> It seems to me that the pursuit of a girl is thrilling. Something that's kind of lost once you're married.


You need to take a hard look at your marriage. You may need to throw a little spice into you marriage. Sounds like you have become bored with the day-to-day trials of life and are craving excitement. Try to create this excitement at home with your wife and family.

I think that the thrill of the chase is something that is genetically encoded in men. But the self respecting, honest, married man will recognize this and avoid acting on it.

You are investing time and effort in a fantasy that could destroy your family. 

Wake up.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Glad you feel good at the expence of your wife's feelings and your children's live. Yep run head long down a tunnle that promisses something sweet, sure because it is all about how you feel and what you are getting out of it.........

Really you need to tell your wife about this crush. It will help thoes feelings end real fast. 

Another thought....if you are her boss and have any controll over what she has to do during work or even promotions or the very least a hand in the raise department. She could just be being buttering up to you. Just a thought but it may not be as real as you think. (I am not saying she is but she could be I have seen this many times in my life)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kurosity said:


> Really you need to tell your wife about this crush. It will help thoes feelings end real fast.


Agreed


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## advice (Mar 27, 2012)

I'm working on my issues presently. 
Took my wife out last night. 
Kiss my wife randomly. 

Hoping this crush fades quickly. Still thinking about her a lot.
Need to stop fantasizing. But the comment about the hunter feels so real. I enjoy the pursuit... a lot. Especially with someone new. Reminds me of when I was back in college pursuing my wife. 

And can anyone explain why an infatuation could happen so abruptly for me. I can find other girls attractive and it's not a big deal. But with her, I felt like gosh, I really need to be with her. Hit all the right chords and now I can't stop thinking about her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

advice said:


> And can anyone explain why an infatuation could happen so abruptly for me. I can find other girls attractive and it's not a big deal. But with her, I felt like gosh, I really need to be with her. Hit all the right chords and now I can't stop thinking about her.


You like how you feel about yourself when you are around her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

advice said:


> I'm working on my issues presently.
> Took my wife out last night.
> Kiss my wife randomly.
> 
> ...



You can't understand how a new employee can flutter her eyes, say all the right things and suck up to her new boss. 

Really, how old are you???

You need to tell you wife about her. Since you can't understand your infatuation, I'm sure your wife will explain it to you.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

advice said:


> And can anyone explain why an infatuation could happen so abruptly for me. I can find other girls attractive and it's not a big deal. But with her, I felt like gosh, I really need to be with her. Hit all the right chords and now I can't stop thinking about her.


My thoughts, after a fair bit of biology and psychology education and experience:

Feeling bored, unappreciated, lonely, or unloved (or some other need important to you not being met in your relationship--and face it, nobody you are with can meet every single need you have the way you want them to all of the time) + 

A (usually new) person you find attractive (probably because of the next item) + 

Subliminal recognition of compatible DNA in that person and suitability for breeding+ 

Indication of attraction from the attractive person + 

The right pheromones, which start flowing back and forth between you and the other person based on your attraction to them and vice versa (and you don't consciously recognize these, but your subconscious brain sure does!) + 

A certain something else in that attractive person, perhaps not even definable by your conscious brain, that you just can't put your finger on+

Belief that the attractive person would meet your unmet need= 

Dopamine release=

*A Biological response and Infatuation. * This can happen in less than a minute. In Caveman days, you would have to make these mating decisions quickly while looking over your shoulder for a bigger, tougher rival for her affections who would club you or some predator sneaking up to eat you. That drive to act quickly still carries over to today in your primitive brain.

This is not totally controllable. Biology is Biology. You can control how you handle it, though.

The degree to which it grows or dies is driven by your actions to starve it or feed it.

We men are hardwired to do one thing above all else-reproduce healthy offspring, and as many as possible. Women want to reproduce offspring the most likely to survive and thrive.

As a male, the wider the pool of DNA you mate with, which is driven by _quantity_, the more successful you will be at reproducing lots of healthy offspring and dominate the breeding contest. You are seeing how Alpha you can be.

New woman= New DNA, and a chance to put your eggs (well, not actually your eggs, in more than one basket.) 

That is what is going on in the primitive, reptilian portion of your brain. 

The good news, is you are no longer operating with only a primitive brain. You have a frontal cortex that allows you to make rational decisions based on consequences, if you allow it to rule your decision making.

Your biological imperative is not consistent with monogamy. It is our conditioning, understanding of negative consequences based on societal mores, and desire to keep our spouses faithful to us that keep things in check.

You can't control your primitive brain, but you can control how you handle your response to it. 

In other words, think with the big head, not the little one.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Please don't do this to your wife.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think that figuring it out is not going to do you a bit of good.

Just stop thinking about her when you start to think about her. You are in controll of your own thoughts. Who cares why you feel this atraction to this person it is clear that it is NOT real. You really do not know this girl and you are letting your imagination run wild creating things that are not true and perpetuating feelings that are based off of self created lies.

Do your self and your wife a big fav. STOP fooling your self. Just knock it off. Let it go and be done with it. INTEGRITY get some and keep it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Most cases of EA or PA with co-workers end in devastation.

Understand this and save yourself and your family from insanity.


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## pianist87 (Apr 2, 2012)

This is an issue I'm currently struggling with, so I empathize. Like you, it hit me like a ton of bricks and the idea of me and this other man feels right. But when I stepped back to get some perspective, I felt like a moron for entertaining this infatuation. For one thing, we don't really know each other THAT well and risking my marriage because of this person is just idiotic. 

So yes, it does get better. I didn't see this guy I'm infatuated with for about 2 weeks and it really gave me the chance to clear my head and stop being stupid. Then when I did see him, it was back to the platonic friendly relationship we had before. Now I'm more careful and keep my distance when appropriate.

Good luck! It will wear off


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