# Male best friend is using me, how do I deal?



## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

Male best friend is using me, how do I deal ?

To make a long story short my male best friend and I have been friends for decades. We have been there for each other during very trying times, divorce, mishaps, deaths. Recently he’s been going through a rough patch with his girlfriend of a year. She wants a “relationship break” and want to revisit the relationship 6 months from now. This is not the first time said girlfriend has done this, she is always asking for “breaks” and space, of course until she gets lonely and looks for him again. My friend is head over heels for her, pushing his own boundaries just to please her. As a friend I listen to him vent about the situation and keep my opinions to myself. Deep down however, I know he is being strung along. 

Which brings me to our current conundrum, he has made it very clear he has always wanted a sexual relationship with me but respected that i in the past was married and he in a relationship. (I am currently divorced and very single) His current ex/girlfriend “relationship break” has him clinging on to our friendship. Suddenly he’s admitting he wants to sleep with me, he will text and call throughout the day, flirts w/ me, constantly wants to flatter me. At first I considered his offer, he’s very handsome, sweet as pie but I quickly back peddled. It hit me really quickly I was being used as the rebound girl/pseudo girlfriend. I have expressed this twice to him but he is in denial, says that, “how could you think so low of me”? That he would never use me like that. Nonetheless the first time i expressed my feelings he said he understood my position but by night fall the sexual innuendoes were strong. Again i was being awakened to “good morning beautiful/sleeping beauty” being called, texted through out the day to see how i am doing and pretty much what anyone would consider dating like behavior. I should mention we were each other’s first puppy love. Lasted 3 years and ended by the age of 15, we have remained friends ever since (no funny business either, not on his end nor on mine). 
His relationship “break” or “break up” however one was to define it, was rather recent. I know my friend, very well, he is grieving and clearly hurt. He will say things like he can’t really do anything about it and is just going about his life. Except! He’s using me as a crutch/rebound. I expressed this again to him, explained the sexual advances and the courting behavior needed to stop. It was not fair for me to bond with him when he is emotionally unavailable. I am no naive, if said ex girlfriend pops up he would drop me like a hot tamale. Which one, would’ve extensively hurt me, two more thank likely damaged decades worth of friendship. 
I expressed this yet again, it continues to fall on deaf ears. I expressed he needs time to rethink things, to heal, to recognize why he would allow himself to wait for anyone or be treated so callously. That he’s risking our friendship by using me as an emotional crutch. I’ve had to stop responding to his messages and calls. At this point I am now hurt too. 

How do I go about this without losing my friend ? I love him very much and the many years we’ve been there for each other.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

stick to your guns. Explain that while you value his friendship, you will not be used by him. If he keeps talking about sex or implying sex, you put a stop to him and break all contact. 

You have the power to put him in his place and not be used.


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## troubledmind (Mar 13, 2013)

Where to start... Fist, I like the way “rebound” has such a negative feeling behind it. Relationships start after other ones end. That’s just life. But most people think there there needs to be some mandatory waiting period for it to not be considered a “rebound.” I think you need to start be really being his friend. This whole on/off break thing isn’t healthy for him or his relationship. And you know that. And you should let him know as well. Don’t attack him, don’t judge him. Just voice your concerns openly and honestly. Hopefully he will listen. And you are letting too much thinking ruing a potentially good thing. All you are talking about are worse case scenarios. What if he doesn’t get back with his ex? What if yalls relationship evolves into something new? Good things can happen too. I’m not saying to give him what he wants. I’m just saying for you to really think about what you want. Don’t think about the future or what could happen. Just think about what you want right now in this moment and act on it.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

He sounds obsessive. Perhaps that's why his girlfriend needs these breaks. I'd definitely throw up some serious boundaries with this guy. If he is as obsessive as it seems, you're just a new target. No telling if he'd take the other girl back whenever she becomes available to him again - he may have developed an even stronger obsession with you and forgotten about her by then. Bad news either way, right?

Rebound has a negative connotation because it suggests that the problems a person had in the first relationship weren't resolved and are likely being dumped or carried over into the new relationship. Alternatively, the 'rebound' relationship is meant to be a distraction, thereby quelling the pain that usually gives rise to reflection and growth.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, so hard...

To him, friendship is all inclusive.
To you, friendship is exclusive, does not include passion and lovemaking.

You are warm oil, he is hot water.

A mix, a brew that can never mix.

To do so would require constant stirring, conscious input.

This relationship medley is toxic for you, an elixir for him.

You want the whole package.
He wants the hole in the doughnut.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

imlost2989 said:


> Male best friend is using me, how do I deal ?
> 
> To make a long story short my male best friend and I have been friends for decades. We have been there for each other during very trying times, divorce, mishaps, deaths. Recently he’s been going through a rough patch with his girlfriend of a year. She wants a “relationship break” and want to revisit the relationship 6 months from now. This is not the first time said girlfriend has done this, she is always asking for “breaks” and space, of course until she gets lonely and looks for him again. My friend is head over heels for her, pushing his own boundaries just to please her. As a friend I listen to him vent about the situation and keep my opinions to myself. Deep down however, I know he is being strung along.
> 
> ...


Why don't you ask him if he thinks you are so hot why doesn't he commit to you or at least dating you? You know like a grown up? He sounds like the quintessential "nice guy". Meaning *******.


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## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

troubledmind said:


> Where to start... Fist, I like the way “rebound” has such a negative feeling behind it. Relationships start after other ones end. That’s just life. But most people think there there needs to be some mandatory waiting period for it to not be considered a “rebound.” I think you need to start be really being his friend. This whole on/off break thing isn’t healthy for him or his relationship. And you know that. And you should let him know as well. Don’t attack him, don’t judge him. Just voice your concerns openly and honestly. Hopefully he will listen. And you are letting too much thinking ruing a potentially good thing. All you are talking about are worse case scenarios. What if he doesn’t get back with his ex? What if yalls relationship evolves into something new? Good things can happen too. I’m not saying to give him what he wants. I’m just saying for you to really think about what you want. Don’t think about the future or what could happen. Just think about what you want right now in this moment and act on it.


What I want is to continue focusing on my children and building stability for them. I would also like to maintain my friendship. I know him well enough to know he’s not over her, comments such as “I am pretty much single” reveal so much more of what he’s feeling. He’s not over her and he needs to deal with that. I should say he has a really bad habit of jumping from relationship to relationship. I am of the camp that one should take a small breather before jumping into something new, even more so him, he is a single father and i single mother. Our choices affect innocent children.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If you are not interested in a relationship with him, whether it be emotional or sexual, tell him you are not attracted to him that way. You see him as a brother.

If you are interested in a relationship tell him that, but also tell him you want to wait 3 month to let him get over his last relationship first. If you both still feel the same way in 3 month than go for it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tell him he must permanently break up with his (maybe already dumped him for good?) girlfriend.....not his being on a six month break from her.

Then date you, stop sending texts/calling so much.

Or that you'll forever see him with brotherly love only. 

Either is of course fine. Trust yourself that you can have either talk with him without hurting his heart and ego.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

this is a great example of the dangers of OSF. He probably felt like you were always waiting for him to be single, now he is and thought you'd jump at it.

FWIW - if you guys are that close, this won't go away.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

imlost2989 said:


> How do I go about this without losing my friend ? I love him very much and the many years we’ve been there for each other.


Unfortunately, his desire for some sexual activity is stronger than his desire to protect your love-term friendship. He sees that you are a bit hesitant when turning him down so he doesn't give up. I don't understand any other comments from others telling you to give him a chance at a relationship when he has not even been trying to develop a real relationship with you. If you do succumb and sleep with him, it will not likely lead to a romantic relationship. I think that he is actually not as good of a friend as you thought he was.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A reason, a season or a lifetime.

that's how you measure friendships. 




> he has made it very clear he has always wanted a sexual relationship with me but respected that i in the past was married and he in a relationship.


could it be that he wants to have sex with you to make his up and down gf jealous?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Has he shown signs of interest in you (relationship or physical) before?
Dont expect this to go away even if he gets back with his girl. He will come knocking once that relationship ends.

Is the relationship really what you perceive it to be if, all this time, he had you on back burner for sex potential?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ImLost,

Wow although you might not recognize it, this "friend" of yours may be the cause or a contributor to your divorce, if I read into what you wrote this friend was more of a person you could and can talk to then your exH. I would call what you have with this guy a long term low intensity emotional affair. 

This guy filled the confidant role your H should have filled and your H suffered due to the contrast effect.

Would you put up with this kind of extra relationship if your SO had one like it? 

If he wants a sexual relationship with you he is not a friend but a man in waiting. 

Tamat


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## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> ImLost,
> 
> Wow although you might not recognize it, this "friend" of yours may be the cause or a contributor to your divorce, if I read into what you wrote this friend was more of a person you could and can talk to then your exH. I would call what you have with this guy a long term low intensity emotional affair.
> 
> ...


Omg. I have no idea how you came to this conclusion. I mean seriously? Ive been a long time fan of TAM and this conclusion blew my mind. 
My ex husband was extremely abusive and I was not allowed to speak to said friend or any friend (not even family) for that matter during this period of my life. So no, the friend was not a contributing factor to the failed marriage.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Actually I didn't come to a conclusion which is why I put conditional language into my statements.

What I wrote was also about future relationships you might if you intend to keep this friend a third party if you should get involved again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> ImLost,
> 
> Wow although you might not recognize it, this "friend" of yours may be the cause or a contributor to your divorce, if I read into what you wrote this friend was more of a person you could and can talk to then your exH. I would call what you have with this guy a long term low intensity emotional affair.
> 
> ...


I agree that this is a possible scenario. We really don't know what our friends are saying or doing behind our back.

How often do we read about the BFF having an affair with the poster's spouse. Well, ok, during the time that the OP was married, but maybe the exH could see the prelude.

I have read from time to time guys saying that they will not date a woman with male friends / close male friends / only male friends / whatever because if there are ever problems in the relationship, well, a third party getting involved is highly possible.


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## imlost2989 (Dec 26, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> I agree that this is a possible scenario. We really don't know what our friends are saying or doing behind our back.
> 
> How often do we read about the BFF having an affair with the poster's spouse. Well, ok, during the time that the OP was married, but maybe the exH could see the prelude.
> 
> I have read from time to time guys saying that they will not date a woman with male friends / close male friends / only male friends / whatever because if there are ever problems in the relationship, well, a third party getting involved is highly possible.



As I stated earlier in response to the previous responder. I was in an abusive marriage and was not in contact with my friend, I was not allowed to do so but this was in general. I was not allowed to have male nor female friends during my marriage and had very limited contact with my family. He would from time to time “allow me” to message old friends here and there. So nope, friend was not the cause, the abuse was.


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