# How to increase sexy?



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I am having great sex with my wife of 25 years. However, I have always wanted more sexiness from my wife. She has ALWAYS, from the day I met her thought she was not sexy in the least. All her sisters (4 of them) are all jealous of her and tell her she "doesn't have a sexy bone in her body." (think Cinderella)

She is a beautiful woman, but believes she is not sexy. I always give her compliments especially when we have sex.

No matter what, she has much difficulty believing it.

Is there anything I can do to get her to believe in herself?

Sexiness (IMO) comes from the soul. She definitely has the body to pull it off, but is all thumbs, in her mind.

For example. She will put on lingerie and then walk toward the bed cowering as if she is the ugliest woman on earth and should never wear such things.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She doesn't feel as good as you think she should with lingerie because it serves but a single purpose, and she's not the beneficiary. Likewise the overall sexiness. 

It's all part of the "what's in it for me" syndrome.


----------



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Sprint work.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

UMP said:


> No matter what, she has much difficulty believing it.
> 
> Is there anything I can do to get her to believe in herself?


No, keep being genuine. Ultimately she needs to believe in herself. Keep the focus on why you love her and find her attractive. She doesn't have to accept it for it to be true.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Siblings can affect ones confidence. 
Wearing lingerie can be debilitating if you were made fun of growing up. 
Only she can make herself feel better & have a better self image. 

Is her family strictly religious at all? 
Often we're taught that exposing our bodies to men is very shameful. 
I'm currently working on this issue myself. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Siblings can affect ones confidence.
> Wearing lingerie can be debilitating if you were made fun of growing up.
> Only she can make herself feel better & have a better self image.
> 
> ...


No, no religious background. The fact of the matter is, she is 10 times the women all her four sisters are and they have put her down for it her entire life.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

UMP said:


> No, no religious background. The fact of the matter is, she is 10 times the women all her four sisters are and they have put her down for it her entire life.


Is she the youngest? 
That's terrible for her, what awful sisters they are. 
Maybe one day she will tell them to eff off! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Contrary to popular belief lingerie is not for the guy's visualization needs only... there's a spectacular amount of tactile feedback from high quality materials like silk that enhance the experience.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> She is a beautiful woman, but believes she is not sexy. I always give her compliments especially when we have sex.
> 
> No matter what, she has much difficulty believing it.
> 
> Is there anything I can do to get her to believe in herself?


I've had this same problem. If you tell her she is sexy, she will feel it is a lie and that is NOT good. If you acknowledge the effects of age, while saying those things do not stop you from seeing how beautiful she is as you wife, that will likely go much better as she will recognize it as a more honest comment. 

Otherwise she may feel like you are lying to her she about being sexy so you can use her. She knows she is not a teenager anymore, so you actually have to acknowledge that in a very loving way. 

The BEST way to do this is point out one of your physical defects and ask her how she feels about it. Then point out her stomach that likely is covered in old stretch marks and acknowledge that it is the stomach that created your family (if you have kids) and that those marks mean a lot to you.

Hope that helps. 

Badsanta


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> She doesn't feel as good as you think she should with lingerie because it serves but a single purpose, and she's not the beneficiary. Likewise the overall sexiness.
> 
> It's all part of the "what's in it for me" syndrome.


I do not believe this is the case.
She simply does not feel sexy. She feels awkward because of how she perceives her own sexiness.

For example, she makes me this pasta dish every single week and I absolutely love it, probably more than any other dish ANYWHERE.
Every single time, she thinks it's not good. Asks me again and again, "aren't you tired of it?" "Is it good?" "I hope it's good." etc. etc. 

Most anything she does comes from an inner sense of failure before she even starts. Being sexy is the same way.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If she's not getting the kind of feedback she wants to hear she won't feel sexy. 

She needs a reason to feel sexy other than "he wants sex". Without this reason there isn't anything in it for her hence the pointlessness of it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@john117 has a point. But as usual he has framed it in a most negative way.

It's not "what's in it for me...." It's "what do I want..."

Do you like feeling insecure? Yes or no.

Do you enjoy feeling confident? Yes or no

Do you want to feel confident and not feel insecure? Yes or not.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If there's something in it for me then I have more reason to get what I want 😂


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Which is why you must decide that what you want is within your power to get.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

But UMP's wife does not believe that "being sexy" is within her power to get. She doesn't believe UMP when he tells her she already has it. And she doesn't want it enough to do the work to get to the point where she believes it is in her power to get, let alone do the work that she believes would be necessary to get it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> But UMP's wife does not believe that "being sexy" is within her power to get. She doesn't believe UMP when he tells her she already has it. And she doesn't want it enough to do the work to get to the point where she believes it is in her power to get, let alone do the work that she believes would be necessary to get it.



She first has to decide if she would like to feel differently about herself. 

Absolutely nothing can change unless she decides that she wants to feel differently/better.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> If she's not getting the kind of feedback she wants to hear she won't feel sexy.
> 
> She needs a reason to feel sexy other than "he wants sex". Without this reason there isn't anything in it for her hence the pointlessness of it.


I compliment her constantly, especially on how sexy and beautiful she is.
Also, I compliment her all the time, not just on the days we have sex. We only have sex on Tuesday and Friday.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with AnonP. First UMP's wife has to decide that SHE wants to feel sexy. UMP can't make her want that. I can clearly see the benefits to UMP if his wife enjoyed feeling sexy. Not so sure UMP's wife sees any benefits for herself. UMP may think that, as long as UMP feels desire for her and she is consenting to sex anyway, she would get more out of it if she felt sexy. But UMP, although that may be a benefit to her, she may perceive costs that are higher. Remember UMP, women go through life being objectified. She may feel that if she "gives in" to feeling sexy, the primary result will be more wolf whistles, more catcalls, more unwanted attention, having to fend off more unwanted advances, etc. So she may feel there are lots of big practical costs to her from embracing her sexiness, and only a small benefit to her or you from her feeling sexy because, after all, she is already consenting to sex and you are going to continue to be hot for her no matter how she feels about herself.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> She first has to decide if she would like to feel differently about herself.
> 
> Absolutely nothing can change unless she decides that she wants to feel differently/better.


It's not that she does not want to, she feels she is incapable.

I guess the question I have is what can I do as her husband to make her feel more confident in herself?

She is embarrassed "trying" to be sexy.
She feels inherently not sexy.

Her typical answer if asked would be "it's just not in me."

To me, it's such a simple thing to do, but I am not a woman.

IMO, anyone can be sexy. Sexy is not completely tied to looks. I have seen some women who were not that good looking but were sexy as hell.

She is into me and likes having sex but strutting her stuff in any way, especially before sex is very foreign to her. She will put on lingerie and maybe giggle with her head down. Try to strike a pose and then just gives up.

It's honestly no big deal, really. When she gets going in bed, she's plenty sexy. The reason I ask is simply because I'm always trying to make things more steamy, for both of us. My motto for sex is "if I'm not going forward, I'm going backward."


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> It's not that she does not want to, she feels she is incapable.
> 
> I guess the question I have is what can I do as her husband to make her feel more confident in herself?
> 
> ...


 @UMP if I can ask... Is this a question based on you wanting her to be more confident with her body in front of you?

If you just want her to be more sexy, you could encourage her to "talk" extremely sexy to you regardless of what she is wearing or how she feels about her body. 

For example, if I am watching amateur porn, the one thing that makes it OMG-freaking-hot is a wife that really knows how to talk sexy to her husband. This is extremely rare and I only seem to be able to find it in videos of a mature couple that really know how to push each other beyond each other's limits. Most of the time in this type of video, there is not really much to see, but it is what is said (and the context in which it is said) that can be extremely sexy.

Perhaps this is an avenue you might want to help her pursue. Being more confident and playful with how she talks to you about the sexuality of your marriage. This also accommodates allowing her to dress comfortably and just be herself with regards to her body.

My wife is learning to do this for me! It is freaking hot!

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @UMP if I can ask... Is this a question based on you wanting her to be more confident with her body in front of you?
> 
> If you just want her to be more sexy, you could encourage her to "talk" extremely sexy to you regardless of what she is wearing or how she feels about her body.
> 
> ...


Same problem. She gets embarrassed and says she simply is not able. "It's not in me."


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

UMP said:


> Same problem. She gets embarrassed and says she simply is not able. "It's not in me."


And yet you do not believe she is telling the truth? Do you see how incredibly invalidating and even insulting that is? She tells you something very intimate about herself and you insist she is wrong? You see it as your job to convince her and prove to her that she is wrong about herself? To what end? Why is it important TO HER that you change her mind?

If you insist on going down the path of trying to change her mind, I think the only route is to channel your inner BadSanta and be playful. Trying to earnestly convince her of your sincerity in telling her how sexy she is will not produce the result you seek.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

UMP said:


> I compliment her constantly, especially on how sexy and beautiful she is.
> Also, I compliment her all the time, not just on the days we have sex. We only have sex on Tuesday and Friday.


Which further reinforces her view. If I have someone with a vested interest (ie sex) telling me I look good all the time, this increases the association of complements and "inner motives" 😂

What you want is objectivity.

I know it's a bit distasteful but together, when you're outside, compare women her age with her. Together. If she starts seeing that most mid 50's women where you live are past their sexual expiration date so to speak and yet she looks great as you indicate, that's a heck of a lot more comforting to her than anything you say.

Take her for a cruise. Lots of 50's and older folk there. Some in awesome shape, some not. Look. Together. Get hints about latest trends, fashion, etc. Become involved in her clothing choices. As a design professional I follow trends and fashion and even my girls trust my opinion. 

Many an outfit that my wife has bought or put together has been inspired by others, trendsetter types.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

UMP said:


> Same problem. She gets embarrassed and says she simply is not able. "It's not in me."


Because you may be focusing too much on sexy.

Focus on classy. Elegant. Sophisticated.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> And yet you do not believe she is telling the truth? Do you see how incredibly invalidating and even insulting that is? She tells you something very intimate about herself and you insist she is wrong? You see it as your job to convince her and prove to her that she is wrong about herself? To what end? Why is it important TO HER that you change her mind?


Not exactly.
When I first met her she did not think she could do ANYTHING.
Did you always think you could be a good lawyer? Did ANYONE in your life build up your confidence so that you could do the things you do? 
I don't know about you but I have people in my life that have given me confidence to do things that I never thought I could.

To what end? That's easy to answer. Mutually satisfying mind blowing sex.

It seems that most everyone here thinks all this is for me. Not necessarily. Being sexy will enhance OUR sex life, for both of us.
What's good for the Gander is good for the Goose.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> Because you may be focusing too much on sexy.
> 
> Focus on classy. Elegant. Sophisticated.


That's actually not a bad idea.
I think I get you now. Maybe going out shopping with her and buying some elegant, sophisticated clothes might bring her out of her shell, on her own.

The fact of the matter is, I don't know any 50 year old women that look better than my wife. I can see it plain as day, while she cannot. The clothes might help her.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> Same problem. She gets embarrassed and says she simply is not able. "It's not in me."


Have you asked her to try and _write_ you a sexy story/letter to read? Perhaps start by writing one to her and try to be classy about it as @john117 suggests.

Badsanta


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

"It's not me, I'm just not a sexy person."

-> would you like to be?

"Well sure but I can't, it's just not something I can do?"

-> would you like to be able to do it?

"Of course but, I just can't."

-> would you like it if you could?


That's the conversation you have over and over and maybe the 300th time, depending on how stubborn she is, she will come to see that she might like to think of herself as a sexy woman.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

make it playful, as in, it's just a game, we're just being a little crazy tonight. 

show yourself as willing to do something embarrassing as part of the general "let's get crazy" atmosphere. 

maybe even involve costumes or role play so you can both be outside of your usual personas.

doing that sort of stuff in a serious way is probably too big a leap for her because that's not who she is. 

if she feels license to be "outside of herself" and sees you willing to do the same, you might open the door.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I've had this same problem. If you tell her she is sexy, she will feel it is a lie and that is NOT good. If you acknowledge the effects of age, while saying those things do not stop you from seeing how beautiful she is as you wife, that will likely go much better as she will recognize it as a more honest comment.
> 
> Otherwise she may feel like you are lying to her she about being sexy so you can use her. She knows she is not a teenager anymore, so you actually have to acknowledge that in a very loving way.
> 
> ...


This is what worked for me. H and I have no children together, but I have three from my previous marriage. My ex avoided the stretched stomach area at all costs. My H touches, kisses and rubs my stomach often telling me this is where I carried my three children, that it's a part of me, it's a beautiful thing, he loves it and me. 

I remember the very first time I got naked in front of H. I turned all the lights off and then took my clothes off. It was pitch dark in the room. All I heard was "are you serious, can I please turn the lights on and SEE you?" LOL I was reluctant, but I gave in. I'm glad I did. I've never felt good about myself. This man has changed that.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

LadybugMomma said:


> This is what worked for me. H and I have no children together, but I have three from my previous marriage. My ex avoided the stretched stomach area at all costs. My H touches, kisses and rubs my stomach often telling me this is where I carried my three children, that it's a part of me, it's a beautiful thing, he loves it and me.
> 
> I remember the very first time I got naked in front of H. I turned all the lights off and then took my clothes off. It was pitch dark in the room. All I heard was "are you serious, can I please turn the lights on and SEE you?" LOL I was reluctant, but I gave in. I'm glad I did. I've never felt good about myself. This man has changed that.


Exactly, 
That's what I have been doing with my wife for 25 years.
Progress is very slow.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

UMP said:


> That's actually not a bad idea.
> I think I get you now. Maybe going out shopping with her and buying some elegant, sophisticated clothes might bring her out of her shell, on her own.
> 
> The fact of the matter is, I don't know any 50 year old women that look better than my wife. I can see it plain as day, while she cannot. The clothes might help her.


UMP, I'm 44 years old. I, if at all possible, shop in the Jr's dept of all clothing stores. If you go from the Jr's section to the woman's section, there is a big difference in clothes. I don't buy the short shorts (although H wouldn't object) but rather more appropriate for my age, but trendy. It makes me feel better about myself. Maybe encourage her to look in that dept, if she doesn't already.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

This is a sticking point in my marriage.

Husband often tells me to do something sexy or will say that I'm not acting very sexy. It's a turn off and definitely does NOT make me feel like being sexy.

I understand where your wife is coming from. I don't feel naturally sexy, and when I try I just feel awkward, scrutinized, and clumsy.

It's just not me. I am a tom boy, I don't wear makeup, or own any jewelry. I was never super feminine, and he knew this the entire time. While I have no problems wearing lingerie, or keeping the lights on, etc. I don't feel like I extrude confidence or sexiness. I can't bat my eye lashes, or do a strip tease with a straight face. I have to ask for a lot of feedback when I'm controlling the positions and I get embarrassed if it doesn't seem to be turning him on. 

The only thing I feel good at are blow jobs, and even those can be hard to do when my TMJ starts locking up and it gets painful. 

I think my issues go back to when I was rejected a lot. I felt like I wasn't good enough, or sexy enough to be desirable. While things are a LOT better now. I still think that sometimes. I want to be different, I want to be sexy, I really do. But when he mentions that he wants me to be more sexy, or he says that I "just lay there." It really makes me feel exactly the opposite. One negative can offset many positives.

So I don't have the answers. But I can sympathize with your wife. Be patient with her, and gentle when/if you bring it up. Honestly I would avoid saying anything that makes her feel like she isn't good enough or not sexy, even if it's said in a nice way. Instead do what other people have suggested and just continue to encourage and compliment her. If you genuinely show her she is sexy to you, I think she will gradually feel more sexy to herself. It's not going to be an overnight change.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@UMP, 

Your question "How to increase sexy?" is the equivalent of "How do I get my spouse to lose weight?" . The answer to both questions is you don't; _they'll_ do it when _they_ are ready to do it. All you can do is support them on their journey. My 2Cents.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

DellaStreet said:


> One thing that could make a woman feel insecure, is if she knows you look at porn a lot. Just about impossible for a woman to live up to those bodies and images.
> 
> Don't know if that applies to you or not, just a suggestion.


The porn thing is different for everyone. I don't have a problem if MrH watches it, I'm not jealous and I watch it too but neither of us watch it much these days. 

UMP I know you don't consider it an issue but are you 100% positive that your Tue/Fri pre sex porn viewing is not a sexy killer? Got to say that even though I am HD and there is abundant sex here if he had to watch porn to get it up so he could have sex with me would decrease sex here to around about zero.

I tend to agree with whoever mentioned "classy" a woman of her age may well be more at ease with classy and elegant than sexy. IMHO you have set yourself up for failure with needing porn to be able to have sex with your wife, very counter intuitive.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DellaStreet said:


> One thing that could make a woman feel insecure, is if she knows you look at porn a lot. Just about impossible for a woman to live up to those bodies and images.
> 
> Don't know if that applies to you or not, just a suggestion.


This 53 year old woman feels a rock hard erection is a hell of a lot more sexy than exactly how it got that way. 

I guess once you deal with ED, as a woman and a wife, it's the results that are important, not the process. He can tell me how unbelievably sexy I am all day long but if we're wondering if ED is gonna appear tonight, porn, gymnastics, naked yoga...whatever works baby!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DellaStreet said:


> I think that sounds so sad. But if you are okay with it, good for you.
> 
> But it's UMP's wife we're concerned with here. So, it's possible that it's not working for her?? I mean, she might say it's okay for UMP to watch porn so that he can get an erection. But in her heart, she knows she isn't what's turning him on. That can be very painful emotionally.


Not likely considering UMP's wife has given him a blow job while he was watching porn. 

I don't know how old you are or if your man has ever had ED, but one thing you learn when your man has ED is that the relative sexiness of the woman in bed with him has little to no bearing on getting that erection. 

Your next question no doubt is, "well if porn can help him get an erection why not with you?" And that would be a logical question. Unfortunately, penises are not logical body parts. 

One time my H and I made a video together, then had great sex. Later on I was playing some game on my iPad while my H had started to watch the movie we just made, which got him hard again and we had sex a second time that night. The last time we had sex twice in one night was....never. It wasn't me that got him hard again, it was the porn. It was the extreme novelty of watching his wife in a porno staring his penis. I could have done all of those things to him that he saw in the porno we made, but it wouldn't have gotten him hard less than an hour later. It was the porn. The visual, the uniqueness.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> The porn thing is different for everyone. I don't have a problem if MrH watches it, I'm not jealous and I watch it too but neither of us watch it much these days.
> 
> UMP I know you don't consider it an issue but are you 100% positive that your Tue/Fri pre sex porn viewing is not a sexy killer? Got to say that even though I am HD and there is abundant sex here if he had to watch porn to get it up so he could have sex with me would decrease sex here to around about zero.
> 
> I tend to agree with whoever mentioned "classy" a woman of her age may well be more at ease with classy and elegant than sexy. IMHO you have set yourself up for failure with needing porn to be able to have sex with your wife, very counter intuitive.


I appreciate your view on this. 
I guess my wife thinks more like Anon Pink. She more interested in what is offered up vs. how I concocted the meal.
My goal is to walk into that bedroom door like a raging bull. 
Keep in mind that I am 54 and am on much medication due to my heart disease, including Viagra.
Also remember, I do not masturbate to conclusion. I always save that for my wife. The porn not only wakes up my penis, but it wakes up my mind. My wife seems to like the result.

How many people do you know that are having the best sex of their lives 25 years into their marriage? That's us.
However, every time I try to make it better than the last time.
Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I fail. However, the trend has been up.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> *My goal is to walk into that bedroom door like a raging bull. *
> Keep in mind that I am 54 and am on much medication due to my heart disease, including Viagra.
> Also remember, I do not masturbate to conclusion. I always save that for my wife. The porn not only wakes up my penis, but it wakes up my mind. *My wife seems to like the result.*


I would argue that by using porn you are pleasing yourself and taking away the opportunities for your wife to be sexy. I'm not saying porn is bad, but stop for a moment and think...

In life it is often much easier to please others than to allow them to please us. This is often summed up in the notion that "it is better to give than to receive." While it may seem like using porn and viagra to ramp up your physical receptiveness for sex is an ethical thing to do, by doing so you are taking away all the natural queues that would lead up to sex outside the bedroom. Or in other words the natural queues that would lend towards your wife understanding how to be sexy for you. You in essence you not allowing her to give to you. It is like she is sitting in a room full of roses you have given to her, but it is YOU that never lets her give you a gift which perhaps makes her feel awkward.

Do this... _tell her you are going to refrain from porn as an experiment and focus solely on her as the object of your affection for a short period of time. ...tell her you are going to forgo viagra and allow yourself to respond naturally. ...tell her deep down it is likely you that lacks the confidence to still feel loved if you are unable to perform for her. ...ask her how she would feel if you tried this experiment as a way to continue improving the quality of your intimacy together._

Of course perhaps sneak in a little porn here and there to see compare how you are responding. 

...at the end of the day, being honest is sexy too! This could help her learn to be more sexy for you! When it comes to sex, giving is not always better than receiving. Sharing is way better than giving or receiving. This includes sharing the parts of us that we may feel are less than desirable.

I GOT IT! Try for at least one week as an experiment to allow her to decide when/what/if you watch any porn, and hand her your bottle of little blue pills. Imagine how sexy it would be for HER to hand you one! Imagine how sexy it would be if she wanted to make love to you without those things even if it were challenging. 

Cheers,
Badsanta


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> This 53 year old woman feels a rock hard erection is a hell of a lot more sexy than exactly how it got that way.
> 
> I guess once you deal with ED, as a woman and a wife, it's the results that are important, not the process. He can tell me how unbelievably sexy I am all day long but if we're wondering if ED is gonna appear tonight, porn, gymnastics, naked yoga...whatever works baby!


Question @Anon Pink?

Let us say as a wife were NOT given the option to help your husband deal with ED. Let's assume he took that burden completely onto his own shoulders and would NOT share it with you. He gets over it all on his own and comes running into the bedroom like a raging bull, but you have little or no say so regarding how he goes about that. 

Would that change how you see your husband's rock hard erection? Are you OK if he still wants to make love without one?

Badsanta


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Question @Anon Pink?
> 
> Let us say as a wife were NOT given the option to help your husband deal with ED. Let's assume he took that burden completely onto his own shoulders and would NOT share it with you. He gets over it all on his own and comes running into the bedroom like a raging bull, but you have little or no say so regarding how he goes about that.
> 
> ...



Okay so from the perspective of the wife in your scenario, I only know that my husband sometimes has ED. Right?

He comes on to me with a raging boner. ....where's the problem?

Later on I discover he watches porn before we have sex and that's how he gets an erection so we can have sex. Since I have no problem with porn I have no problem with how he gets erect.


Second scenario, husband sometimes has ED. We begin to make love and when it's time for penetration his penis isn't cooperating. Right!

So penis is being a little d!ck and won't cooperate...we quickly move to plan B and pull out my fantastic Lilo vibrating dildo with a vibrating clit attachment and instead of have 1 or 2 more orgasms that intercourse would have provided I have about 5 more until I need to break for some water. ...again, not seeing a problem.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

UMP said:


> I am having great sex with my wife of 25 years. However, I have always wanted more sexiness from my wife. She has ALWAYS, from the day I met her thought she was not sexy in the least. All her sisters (4 of them) are all jealous of her and tell her she "doesn't have a sexy bone in her body." (think Cinderella)
> 
> She is a beautiful woman, but believes she is not sexy. I always give her compliments especially when we have sex.
> 
> ...


When you try to encourage your W that she is sexy, how do you do it? You're not fat, no, you look good, why don't you ever wear lingerie? Yes, I think you are sexy...

If so, an approach that shows her she turns you on might be more convincing. (It sounds like she has low self esteem based on the pasta dish scenario too).

Something like "OMG, your a$$ looks so hot in those jeans!" or "Your eyes are so beautiful, I'm getting hard just looking at you."

sorry, I'm not a guy and my H doesn't seem to find me that sexy so my examples may not be the best, but what I would want is to hear words and get a reaction where I can FEEL that he is turned on by ME. 

I know my husband thinks I am good looking and have a good body, and he tells me so. But I do not believe he finds me sexy, because I just don't feel that kind of passion coming from him. Of course if I try to do a strip tease or anything sexually aggressive he laughs and gets nervous like "what are you doing...! Stop that!" so I'm kind of screwed there.

But if you do find your wife sexy I would make comments about exactly what you find sexy that is unique to her, and not just when you want sex, but all the time. For example, most guys are turned on by breasts. Paying attention to her breasts during sex does not mean you find HER sexy. But if you said something about how hot her breasts look "in THAT bra when she leans over like THAT..." maybe that would get through to her. 

Maybe there is something sexy about her voice, or laugh, or certain things she says/does.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay so from the perspective of the wife in your scenario, I only know that my husband sometimes has ED. Right?
> 
> He comes on to me with a raging boner. ....where's the problem?


:grin2:

My own wife's answer to this question... If I were to come at her with a raging boner, I better be ready for it to explode! If it is not, _then_ there is a problem! 

If I were to have issues, she enjoys her vibe too as long as I am not trying to force myself afterwards.

Badsanta


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Lingerie doesn't really make me feel sexy to be honest. We do it for our partners. What makes me feel sexy regardless of how I am looking is 'kink'. Doing things with my husband that are novel and experimental makes me forget that I am no longer a gorgeous young, skinny thing and it is just about sex and sexuality. Doing the same things every time decreases my feelings of sexiness. Exploring and experimenting is way sexier than dressing up in lingerie (which from my point of view is a lazy way of demonstrating sexuality - we sometimes need to dig deeper).


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I would argue that by using porn you are pleasing yourself and taking away the opportunities for your wife to be sexy. I'm not saying porn is bad, but stop for a moment and think...
> 
> In life it is often much easier to please others than to allow them to please us. This is often summed up in the notion that "it is better to give than to receive." While it may seem like using porn and viagra to ramp up your physical receptiveness for sex is an ethical thing to do, by doing so you are taking away all the natural queues that would lead up to sex outside the bedroom. Or in other words the natural queues that would lend towards your wife understanding how to be sexy for you. You in essence you not allowing her to give to you. It is like she is sitting in a room full of roses you have given to her, but it is YOU that never lets her give you a gift which perhaps makes her feel awkward.
> 
> ...


That is an interesting idea.
One problem with it. My wife is queen of responsive desire. If I show up limp and basically put all the onus on her to get me going, all I see is a bunch of needless pressure being put on both of us.

What my wife really, really likes is if I walk into a room, lock the door, rip her clothes off and devour her. This is what she finds most attractive. The more I throw her around, the better.
I find this very difficult to do without "help."
PLEASE remember that I am old and have heart disease.
That's a big ask.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

UMP said:


> That is an interesting idea.
> One problem with it. *My wife is queen of responsive desire.* If I show up limp and basically put all the onus on her to get me going, all I see is a bunch of needless pressure being put on both of us.
> 
> What my wife really, really likes is if I walk into a room, lock the door, rip her clothes off and devour her. This is what she finds most attractive. The more I throw her around, the better.
> ...


If she is the "queen of responsive desire" you are not taking into account that she very well may indeed _respond_ well to this experiment or something similar to it. 

In my opinion it seems like you are struggling to maintain the youthful status quo of hormonal/physical driven sexuality while avoiding learning how to engage in slow meaningful emotional bonding lovemaking. 

Does this mean there is something wrong with running into the bedroom like a raging bull? Absolutely not! That is awesome. You should even make it a point to perhaps wear a cape and nothing else to be super playful about it!

Now back to the mushy gushy stuff...

In terms of things that stimulate us sexually you should think of it as a combination of the following:
• 80% emotional / mental
• 20% physical / friction 

You are allowing porn to ramp up the 80% side of your mental arousal, but at the same time you are asking you wife to be more sexy. I think this whole thread is about trying to get your wife to be more in touch with your emotional/mental side of your sexuality as you have been avoiding it with her.

If I am correct, you are essentially edging to porn to increase your arousal to the point where an orgasm is imminent and can occur with minimal physical stimulation and no need for much else. But you realize something is missing and you crave for your wife to participate in the tease to help you edge WITH her as a way to be closer to her?

If you want to use the excuse that she has a responsive desire and is incapable of teasing you, I would argue that you are very wrong my friend. You wife would probably adore to do this for you, BUT you are going to have to teach her AND make it very easy for her. It may be things as simple as her wearing sexy underwear, but NOT really letting you see them. OR much more advanced like her giving you a little blue pill in your breakfast, and then later in the day have ready some numbing cream, a condom and using you like a human dildo once things really get going to keep you on edge for days at a time! Of course you may freak out about having one of those erections for more than four hours?

:surprise:

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Sexy is an attitude - for example, my wife doesn't exude sexiness. She usually dresses in dumpy clothes and doesn't wear makeup. This is part and parcel of her lack of sex drive - she doesn't like sex, so why bother looking nice when we go out? It's also a reflection of her lazy attitude - looking good requires effort, and she doesn't want to exert the effort (this is the same attitude that she has with exercise and sex - requires effort and it's much easier to just sit in dumpy clothes and play computer games all day). 

Now she can exude sexiness if she likes - we went to a party for a friend a few months ago, and she dressed up and looked great. Even though she's overweight (and she admits this), I was ready to ravage her when we got home (she was wearing her black lingerie and hose, which is a major turn-on). She knew she looked nice, and her attitude reflected this which led to a rare occurrence of sex - sadly, this is rare.

ETA - an example of sexy to me: Wife has a close friend who is in her early 40's and is a little above-average looking (she's not what a guy would call hot, but isn't bad looking). She doesn't have a great body except that she's well-endowed (she's not overweight, but her legs are rather spindly). However, I find her totally sexy - she's very HD and she's been through a lot in her life and won't let it get her down (she's also not afraid of having sex anywhere, anytime). She's the one woman I would even remotely think about having an affair with (and no, I'm not going to do that). We know other women that are what one would call hot, but they don't get me aroused - this one does.


----------



## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

My wife went through some self-conscious times after a little weight gain and then post-pregnancy weight. It was hard for me to convince her she was sexy even when she was overweight, but once she worked it off it was easier. But it still took convincing. She hasn't felt great about her body since she was a totally fit cheerleader at 23 and wearing sexy skirts out to clubs. Pretty much after that she started outing on weight, not as in shape, and wanted the lights out (unless she was totally drunk.)

What I did was started frequently commenting about how sexy she was and how she turned me on. I would occasionally grope her and tell her I couldn't keep my hands off her. I had to back off when she said "you make me feel like a piece of meat" and my response was "That's not my intention. I just want you to know how sexy you are to me and how irresistible you are." So I shifted my groping to more like a hug, kiss, and coping a feel as opposed to just a random piece-of-meat grope.

When she's changing in the morning and I'm still lying in bed, I say to her "Mmmmmmm this is my favorite part of the morning (seeing her naked or in her underwear)." She used to get embarrassed, but now smiles at me devilishly as if to tease.
Then there's lingerie. She knows I love her bottom in a pair of sexy panties and I reinforced that until she stared seducing me with them. I even bought her some and asked her to wear them for me.
Then, there's the occasional text I send her that "I'm thinking of your sexy body."
Those are just examples.

So maybe it won't work for you the way it worked for me. But constantly after reinforcing it, it became hard for her to not believe. Why else would I be lusting over her all of the time if she wasn't sexy to me? I sounds dangerously close to sexually objectifying her. But the rest of the relationship was fine. She knows how I feel about her, the thing that was missing was expressing the physical lust which she needed.

Our sex life had slowed down and I knew she was self-conscious. This was my attempt to change that, and it basically worked.

The problem is, how do you just start doing this out of the blue if you've never done it before? I know my wife was like "what's gotten into you/ Why are you like this all of a sudden?" My response was that "I was always like this but I've decided I'm not going to hold back and be quiet about it anymore," and told her that I think she needed to hear how I feel.

So maybe you can do it more tactfully than I did. But one thing to think about, frequent reinforcement about how physically attracted you are to her. Also things like, "your hair like that is sexy" or "that outfit makes you look great.... sexy". Any time you can work the word "sexy" into a compliment about anything she's done to her appearance, do it. I've also gone shopping with her and encouraged her to get certain clothes because they're sexy on her (because she's sexy and the clothes enhance it.)

Just an idea.


----------

