# EA Fog Causes Amnesia?



## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Hello all. Here is a very short summary of our situation. Married more than 25 years. Learned this summer of wife's nearly 6-year EA (mostly virtual) with a former boyfriend. Most communication was in email and later facebook, with a few phone calls sprinkled in and one face-to-face meeting five years ago. Communication between the two of them indicates that they did not have sex during the meeting and I have no reason to believe there were any subsequent meetings. Have read through literally hundreds of emails and facebook messages from that time, saving some of the most egregious ones.

Since summer I have been working hard on myself and we have been making a lot of progress toward R. 

One thing that still haunts me is email messages in which she describes her sexual desire for the OM. Most were written in the early part of their EA and they seemed to dissipate in their frequency and intensity over time, though one exchange from about a year ago shows that such feelings still exist(ed).

The other day during one of our frequent private chats I told my wife that I am still bothered by the fact that she expressed such sexual desire for the OM and that in at least one message (now almost six years old) told him that she's "never had these feelings for any man," which, I assume, included me. I told her that such thoughts are difficult for me to manage and they frequently come to me when she and I are being intimate. Her response was that she didn't understand my "frame of reference," that she didn't recall saying such things or having such intense feelings. Instead of printing the messages with those words I told her when she had said as much. She did not seem to remember those messages at all--and I believe her reaction was genuine. I realize that it has been a long time, but would have expected her to be able to recall saying things like that, if not saying those exact words. 

Is she merely trying to deflect my implied accusation or could she honestly have been in such a fog that she doesn't remember much of what she said to the OM? She didn't have much to say after that and there wasn't time for me to press the point then.

Should I confront her with actual copies of her messages or simply bring it up to her again? Or, should I wait until our MC session to bring it up?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't pull in a medical condition to a situation that can be explained by lying.

Chances are she remembers every single word.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she has no amnesia, just a desire to rug sweep and gaslight


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stilltrying1 said:


> Should I confront her with actual copies of her messages or simply bring it up to her again?


Yes.

She`s rewriting history yet again.

Don`t allow it, you deserve an explanation even though it will be a lie.

The only real truthful explanation is that she did indeed at least believe the things she said.

Can you live with that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, EA's (or any type of affairs), do not cause amnesia.

She knows what she said and is trying to do damage control.

I would personally print it out and show it to her.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I am not serious about the amnesia. More that she put it (him) out of her mind. I can honestly say there are things I said and did and wrote 5-6 years ago that I would not recall and might even argue that I didn't say them unless I had proof in front of me. 

So, should I confront her with the actual messages, take a softer approach to give her the benefit of the doubt in hopes it will make her more comfortable in sharing, or simply bring it up in MC?

I have no doubt that she believed what she was writing/saying at the time. My main concern is whether such feelings still exist or if they will always exist.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As someone who's been a fogged up EA participant I can personally tell you that, no, the fog does not cause amnesia. It may cause serious bouts of "WTF did I do" when you come out of it but amnesia? Nope. 

The intensity of the emotions definitely fades so that can maybe lead to a little bit of "did I really say that" but that's about it. Like Almost said, likely it's a desire to rug sweep your question and hope it will go away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stilltrying1 said:


> So, should I confront her with the actual messages, take a softer approach to give her the benefit of the doubt in hopes it will make her more comfortable in sharing, or simply bring it up in MC?


I would. Because I would find it insulting if she was denying something she said. But that's just me.



Stilltrying1 said:


> I have no doubt that she believed what she was writing/saying at the time. My main concern is whether such feelings still exist or if they will always exist.


And since it is on your mind, ask her if the feelings still exist/will always exist and tell her to be 100% honest with you.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I would also say she remembers the emails she wrote. Since she is in denial I would print and show her at the MC. Maybe reading them will make her understand how much you have been hurt by what you read and if roles were reversed how would she handle it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Not amnesia. Its called repression. Its' very real. She might not remember, jog her memory with evidence.

Repression is a well-known defense mechanism. Repression acts to keep information out of conscious awareness. (i.e. selective memory regarding conversations or acts with the OM/OW) Sometimes we do this consciously by forcing the unwanted information out of our awareness, which is known as suppression, but it is usually believed to occur unconsciously.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks again everyone. Pit, I believe your response best explains the reaction I saw when I brought it up. I used the term amnesia for effect, but what I believe is that it is more like repression/suppression. The length of time likely doesn't help her memory and I fear she is wary that if she says something I will come back at her like a prosecutor on cross-examination.

So, having expressed my hurt and concerns to her, am I inviting more trouble if I confront her with her own words? If she truly has "moved on" from those feelings, either through repression/suppression or coming out of the fog, do I risk reconnecting her with those feelings--and potentially with him? I am 99.9% certain there has been NC since before I found out about their EA. If he is out of her head and heart, will pushing this issue bring him back?

Jelly: I know what she will say about her feelings for him. She pledges her love for me--and says she doesn't want him. Yet, in my (understandably) paranoid state, I just don't know if she is being completely honest or trying to spare me greater pain.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Of course show her the emails. She is in damage control. It is important that the both of you confront the reality of the situation.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It could be rug-sweeping, she may have genuinely forgotten or she may be in self denial. My question would be why do you feel you need to drag up the issue of how she felt 5 years ago in the first place? Is it for closure? Is it to rub her nose in the urine soaked carpet? Or is it to ascertain your own self worth? Dredging up old emotions, won't bring closure. I can tell you from experience the only thing that will bring you closure is when your wife reconnects to you emotionally. That's when I knew I was finally passed the whole frigg'n mess. Vengeance and vindictiveness doesn't serve any purpose in a reconciliation except to stifle it. My guess is it is for your own self worth and why would you do that? Why would you try and measure yourself on a scale based on the POS OM? Comparing yourself to him only serves to help validate him to your wife. Your actions as her husband are what set you apart from him and that is done by being the kind of husband you think you should be. The focus should be on you not him.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am going with blocked out memories. She suppressed them out of guilt or some other reason


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Amp--great question. What is my motivation for bringing this up? Honestly, it's to let her know that I am still in pain. Even though that pain has diminished and I believe we are in a much better place as a couple, I don't want her to think that we're out of the woods yet. Early on she suggested that it "could have been worse," since they didn't actually sleep together. She suggested that I was making more of her situation with the OM than I should. 

We have come a long way since those early days, but I don't want her to think that what she did/said with this OM is somehow only in the past, and that I have completely moved on. I want to be able to move on, but I am not ready to do so yet. I want her to understand what triggers me and what I still wrestle with every day. To me, not expressing or confronting these feelings (hers and mine) is a form of rug-sweeping.

I don't want to compare myself with the OM. It's not a contest and, frankly, I shouldn't have to compete like it's an open competition. I've got a helluva lot more skin in the game than he has--or will ever have. 

Still, I don't want a wife who is with me out of duty, comfort, for the children, or because of public perception. I don't want her sleeping with me because it's what a wife does with her husband. I want her to want to be with me and sleep with me because it is something she truly wants above all else. I am not a consolation prize and would leave in a heartbeat if I thought that was the case. 

Being able to understand her proclamations of sexual desire for him, which she said was unlike what she's felt for any other man, is important to my understanding of where and how he fit into her life and whether I can feel confident that she is with me for the right reasons.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Stilltrying1 said:


> Amp--great question. What is my motivation for bringing this up? Honestly, it's to let her know that I am still in pain. Even though that pain has diminished and I believe we are in a much better place as a couple, I don't want her to think that we're out of the woods yet. Early on she suggested that it "could have been worse," since they didn't actually sleep together. She suggested that I was making more of her situation with the OM than I should.
> 
> We have come a long way since those early days, but I don't want her to think that what she did/said with this OM is somehow only in the past, and that I have completely moved on. I want to be able to move on, but I am not ready to do so yet. I want her to understand what triggers me and what I still wrestle with every day. To me, not expressing or confronting these feelings (hers and mine) is a form of rug-sweeping.
> 
> ...


Then you are in a good place with your emotions and understanding where you are now. I don't know where you are in your R but I am 5 years post D-Day. It is in the past but an occasional trigger does surface for me. I doubt there are any at all for my wife. The spouse who's been betrayed carries the deeper scars.

While not the optimum reason to go on in marriage, don't underestimate the importance of "Staying for the kids" or "finance" or "social status" Those may be the logistical reasons for her to stay in the marriage and can give you needed time to work on other issues, what ever those may be. Logistics should not be the long term motivator to continue the marriage but it can give you some breathing room and time for you both to improve and heal.


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## Stilltrying1 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks again, Amp. We are only 6 months post D-day and so in some ways we're just starting to address the elephant in the room. I want to make sure we don't rug-sweep, but also don't want to obsess on details of the EA to the point that I am not able to move forward. Still, this issue is one that I find hardest to overcome.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Woman, 54, suffers amnesia after great sex*



> "Transient global amnesia is caused by a scrambling of the memory circuits in the brain, often brought on by physical or emotional triggers," Dr. Carol Lippa, a professor of neurology at Drexel University Medical School in Philadelphia


Affairs do tend to scramble people's brains. But I'm like you folks, I think she's just doing some 'brain bleaching'.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

At 6 months past d-day, you should be able to bring up anything that is still preying on your mind. Even at 6 years past d-day, if you need to discuss something, you should. My rule of thumb is to give it a few hours or a day, then decide if I still want to discuss it. Some things need immediate attention, like a trigger, but others are in that hazy area of "do I really want or need to know."

It's a year past d-day for me and I still have a folder of "affair" stuff. I keep it in case I ever feel the need to remind my H of how far it went with the OW. Not that I think he'll ever try to downplay it (mainly because it did get physcial), but because in a few years he might not want to remember he was _that_ person. But if he ever starts to act like the @hole he was during the affair, I'll use the affair folder to remind him what that @hole did the last time he made an appearance. Let's hope @hole is gone for good and the folder can be filed under "closed case files".


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Saffron said:


> At 6 months past d-day, you should be able to bring up anything that is still preying on your mind. Even at 6 years past d-day, if you need to discuss something, you should. My rule of thumb is to give it a few hours or a day, then decide if I still want to discuss it.


We adopted a rule early on. If it is something that is not a new issue don't bring it back up. Obviously that didn't include anything that had been discussed but not resolved. As we used to say, a picked scab never heals. For me it was a challenge not to rehash the issues to death, but in the end it was a good strategy and when we did have to revisit issues they were productive. Your rule of thumb is an excellent one and gives one time to sort their thoughts and not end up giving a knee jerk reaction to something that really isn't important.


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