# Why choose someone less attractive as an AP?



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I do not mean any disrespect when I post this, so hopefully nobody will be offended.

My revenge AP was nowhere near as attractive as my wife.

So... why have an affair with someone less attractive than our spouse?

Is this because that is what we see ourselves as being worth? Someone less attractive than our spouse?

Or because it is not about love it is about sex, only? And if you had a beautiful lover, you might fall for them and leave your loyal, faithful spouse? 

This has been puzzling me for days. Anyone got any other ideas on this?:scratchhead:


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## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

Not being the one who cheated, I'm not sure if I'm really able to answer this one, but I want to anyway . The vengeful, angry part of me wants to say it's because he can't get any better, but honestly I don't know. In all reality, I feel like he could do way better, and I'm not sure why he struck out. When I went on his ******* account and looked in his messages I saw an amazing amount of dogs compared to a few ok looking girls though. I should ask him about it..


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Matt, I think you need to separate 'attractiveness' from physical attractiveness.

What I mean is that looks have nothing to do with why a person may or may not cheat. I think the fact that having sex with someone 'different' from their spouse is what attracts the cheater.

Interestingly, although I never cheated, when my ex had limited my sex quota to such a miniscule amount, even 'ugly' women started looking attractive to me.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

First of all it's for revenge which means you are already questioning your self image from your wife having cheated on you. Second a lower rank female is what you think you can get with this lower self image. You choose some one that you think you have the greatest shot at success.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I think you see your spouse as being more attractive then the person you cheat with because you have more years with your wife, more time to be attracted to her, not just physically. Someone looking at your wife might not see her in the way you do. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

#1 ugly ones have less sexual partners = less chance of STDs

#2 the ugly ones try harder.

Those are the top two for My FWW....in that order.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Considering the way your goofy azz wife treats you sometimes Matt....

I would say that you probably were attracted to your AP because....oh....I dunno....

....maybe because she was nice to you??? :awink:


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

My observation, in general, is that cheating often has little to do with sex and a lot to do with validation.

We take our spouses for granted.

Other man or other woman come build them up to be their princess or their hero, make them feel special in a way that we stopped doing. 

Who doesn't want to be around someone who tells you how great and beautiful you are all the time? It may be that the less attractive affair partner is more grateful to be with someone so attractive, so they are gushing over them all the time. The cheater's spouse is not giving this to them, at least not at this level.

Anyway, in general, that's what I usually observe when someone has an affair with someone much less attractive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Matt, I think you need to separate 'attractiveness' from physical attractiveness.
> 
> What I mean is that looks have nothing to do with why a person may or may not cheat. I think the fact that having sex with someone 'different' from their spouse is what attracts the cheater.
> 
> Interestingly, although I never cheated, when my ex had limited my sex quota to such a miniscule amount, even 'ugly' women started looking attractive to me.


In truth my AP had an ugly personality, too. I really did down grade my ticket.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Considering the way your goofy azz wife treats you sometimes Matt....
> 
> I would say that you probably were attracted to your AP because....oh....I dunno....
> 
> ....maybe because she was nice to you??? :awink:


The truth? Something so stupid I feel dumb everytime I mention it. 

My wife didn't like Star Trek, AP loved it. OMG. Infidelity caused by bloody Star Trek. Jeez!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I think you see your spouse as being more attractive then the person you cheat with because you have more years with your wife, more time to be attracted to her, not just physically. Someone looking at your wife might not see her in the way you do. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!


In truth, my wife is very, very pretty. Other people have commented to me on this subject.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jkw4338 said:


> First of all it's for revenge which means you are already questioning your self image from your wife having cheated on you. Second a lower rank female is what you think you can get with this lower self image. You choose some one that you think you have the greatest shot at success.


Well, sort of. AP chose me, in reality. It transpired she had been after me for several years as she thought I'd be an ideal father figure for her two children.

And she took the opportunity to land me when she had the opportunity.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The AP had a worse personality than your wife? So you're attracted to women who emotionally abuse you?

That's pretty fvcked up Matt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Interestingly, although I never cheated, when my ex had limited my sex quota to such a miniscule amount, even 'ugly' women started looking attractive to me.


I experienced this as well.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The truth? Something so stupid I feel dumb everytime I mention it.
> 
> My wife didn't like Star Trek, AP loved it. OMG. Infidelity caused by bloody Star Trek. Jeez!


Sheesh, my respect for you is diminished. Star Trek?????????

Now had it been Doctor Who, different story. You British should stick with your British shows!!!!!


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I do not mean any disrespect when I post this, so hopefully nobody will be offended.
> 
> My revenge AP was nowhere near as attractive as my wife.
> 
> ...



I honestly think that most WS end up cheating with men/women that are nothing near as wonderful, as the BS...

When I was 24 my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with a girl most considered a "hell troll". His uncle years later, asked him "what were you thinking letting this girl (me) go?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Don't know how true this is, but I've read that women tend to cheat "up" and men tend to cheat "down".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

old timer said:


> Don't know how true this is, but I've read that women tend to cheat "up" and men tend to cheat "down".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read this too. Also, that 9/10 men who admit to cheating will also admit that their AP was significantly less attractive than their spouse.

It's true in my case OW is FUGLY!!!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

A lot of the "up" or "down" characteristics of APs were socio-economic factors, not necessarily physical appearance, I believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Now bare in mind I have not cheated, but my H has. This is purely based on what I have observed.

I think most of the time a spouse cheats because they feel like they are not having their needs met. Laco of physical needs being met leads to emotional needs not being met.

They meet someone, they are comfortable with that person, they develop a connection, emotional needs start to be filled and cheating occurs.

Maybe a spouse whose emotional needs are not being met have a poor sense of self worth and they avoid chatting to gorgeous people, maybe the less 'attractive' people are more available, I don't know.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

AshS said:


> .
> 
> It's true in my case OW is FUGLY!!!


Does that mean f-ing ugly, or a great ugly f...k !


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And as the Count pointed out, overall attractiveness is different from physical attractive ness.

My fiance's EA was fat, would mention it from time to time in her messages to him, I guess she was trying to get him to say, oh you're not that bad.

what I think attracted him to her, was nearly animalistic way about her; her photos always had an "in your face" pose about them. She had a way of talking down to him. And quite simply, they followed the same (obscure, imo)music and sought out music venues to visit together.

I think there is something about having stability at home and hoping to have a second partner to get wild with.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

The less attractive sit waiting on the wings for a chance. 

The attractive get fed up when their needs are not meet or life gets in the way

Step in the ugly who often have to try harder with usually far nicer personalities in order to find a mate, or anyone else's mate!


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

I've never had an affair; not even a revenge one. So, here's my tuppence...

Perhaps you went for someone who was no threat to the marriage. You say she had been after you for a while so also, she wasn't likely to turn you down = not much chance of rejection. 

I reckon you are over thinking this and should place no more importance on it than as a general indication of your general 'fvckedupness' at the time.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I do not mean any disrespect when I post this, so hopefully nobody will be offended.
> 
> My revenge AP was nowhere near as attractive as my wife.
> 
> ...


All of this is from the male perspective. It's said that women trade up...but then I remember Dedicated Dad's thread...

1) It's easy tail 

2) Frequently the missing component in the relationship isn't sex; it's emotional fulfillment. 'Girls with good personalities' provide that component in spades. They have not been able to rely on their tatas to do all the heavy lifting in the date.

3) Like Ben Franklin said about going after an older woman: they are grateful.

4) Wives are the epitome of 'high maintanence' in that they try to engulf your entire life. Another gorgeous woman would be just as high maintanence. Affairs are hard enough to establish without adding jewelry, high class hotels and constant attention.

5) All cats are gray in the dark.

6) They try harder.

7) They are available.

This is meant half tongue in cheek...but only half.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's a control issue. You want to choose someone that's not going to give you any trouble and who isn't going to be able to call the shots. So someone lacking in just about everything - confidence, resources, etc. - is more suitable.

For women, I think they might like someone who is seen as powerful and resourceful, who can do all the stuff it takes to conceal a relationship while also providing for it (hotel rooms, extra cell, 'business trips', etc.)

Just a couple WAG's.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask your wife Matt. Maybe she thought he is attractive..

I am starting get worried about the nature of your relationship with your wife Matt. Take care.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I think About.com has a decent explanation of this

Why Is A Love Affair So Intoxicating?

For me my wife is classic infidelity fog down to the I love you but not in love with you any more. But it goes both ways. 

I agree with what bandit.45 said. Sometimes nice wins.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

old timer said:


> Don't know how true this is, but I've read that women tend to cheat "up" and men tend to cheat "down".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When this is all done I will post a pic of me and the OM. My finances are listed in my thread. I have nothing to hide from anyone. 

The OM is into construction. So either he works or don't get paid. 
He is 5'1 or 5'2 
54 years old.
His pension plan is called social security

I have 6 weeks paid vacation and unlimited sick. 
I make more then him money wise. 
I actually have a real pension along with other money saved away.
I'm 6'3" 265 LBS and dropping. 250 or 245 might be my number I will be happy at.
I literally can walk into work and decide I don't want to be here and go home. 

When I was single and I would call in to ask for the day off, when the Sgt. would ask why I needed the day I would put my soon to be EX wife on the phone. The usual comment was do him good and I will see him tomorrow. If I was late for work I can put in for partial time off. When they asked why I was late, I would honestly tell them I was getting laid, which usually 8 out of 10 times was true. 

Me and my Ex had a active sex life, 3 to 4 times a week on average.

That is something maybe one day when my wife comes begging back I will ask her. Why she decided on such a looser.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

All three of my STBXW's AP were hideous. Losers. But, they were sweet-talkers. She was seeking validation and they gave her that in spades.

I will say that any gal who likes Star Trek, Dr. Who, Game of Thrones, LOTR (or sci-fi/fantasy in general) ups her sex rank by 2-3 notches.:smthumbup:

If she knows what a Dalek is, then giddy-up!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> In truth, my wife is very, very pretty. Other people have commented to me on this subject.


I wouldnt know as Ive never seen your wife, I was just making a general statement!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Ask Arnold


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

In my experience, far more people tend to affair down not up.

I think its downright common.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I haven't but my thinking is... Affairs require opportunity. You're not looking to marry so you set a lower standard than if you were looking for a spouse. This increases the available opportunities.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In Arnold's case, since I've never seen the two women, their photos here do look eerily similar. Maybe Arnold liked the thrill of doing something under his wife's nose...... and well, for the housekeeper, the payback is clear.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am not sure how to answer. The one pic of her in lingerie...she was heavy and looked stoned...not at all attractive. Yet her facebook profile pic she looked attractive but evil (could be the BS in me talking)....like a girl in high school that would have stabbed you in the back.

Sadly, I think it just boils down to who is open to an affair at that exact moment. Some people just have f me written on their forehead. We all know those women that just scream for attention. I know quite a few that are very attractive but seem to suffer from severe low self esteem.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

in my case, i think my wife attached herself to peanut head because he liked things that she was interested in, and was able to spend time every day doing them (ie going to the gym. every day. which i find rather feminine, but thats just my opinion).
things that i was too busy working and providing for our family to be able to do with her.
and when i had down time i would spend it with our daughter, or with her and our daughter, but three times a week in the afternoons i would take my youngest horse and work her training.
so i think it (in my case) ALL went back to validation. she felt like i took her for granted (and in many ways i did), and mr dipsh!t fed her ego and propped up her self esteem. i had become comfortable with my wife (we had been together for 8 years at affair start), and figured she was confident enough and didnt need this ongoing confirmation. which, in hindsight, was not the case.
but yeah, she traded down for sure. which when we talk about it, i find kind of ironic (and if it hadnt fvcked me up so bad, i would find it funny), but she ran to peanut head for all these reasons she laid on me about being a bad husband...and ended up picking a guy who was 10x the piece of sh!t that i was. and way, waaaaaaaaay uglier than me.
ah life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think too that the AP's tend to, of course, like everything that the WS likes. I have said to H, I am sure that your OW liked everything that you liked, even though she didn't, just because that makes them more appealing. For example, I am not a huge fan of country music, H likes it..so I am sure that if he mentioned liking country music to his OW of course she would be like,I love country music...I think by doing this they know they are making themselves seem superficially better then the wife/husband. These AP's know how to play the game....


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Um...that is Maria Shriver 20 years ago, isn't it?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> All three of my STBXW's AP were hideous. Losers. But, they were sweet-talkers. She was seeking validation and they gave her that in spades.
> 
> I will say that any gal who likes Star Trek, Dr. Who, Game of Thrones, LOTR (or sci-fi/fantasy in general) ups her sex rank by 2-3 notches.:smthumbup:
> 
> If she knows what a Daalek is, then giddy-up!


LOL :smthumbup:


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> ...they followed the same (obscure, imo)music and sought out music venues to visit together.


Were these online music venues? "Second Life", perhaps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> The AP had a worse personality than your wife? So you're attracted to women who emotionally abuse you?
> 
> That's pretty fvcked up Matt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was always very nice to me, Bandit; though I knew why other people didn't like her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> I've never had an affair; not even a revenge one. So, here's my tuppence...
> 
> Perhaps you went for someone who was no threat to the marriage. You say she had been after you for a while so also, she wasn't likely to turn you down = not much chance of rejection.
> 
> I reckon you are over thinking this and should place no more importance on it than as a general indication of your general 'fvckedupness' at the time.


But I did nor know she had been after me until after it all kicked off. It was her daughter who told my wife and I this. Several years before she had said to d and s "Matt is going to be your new daddy." And I never had a clue!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

My husband AP was actually pretty and slim. I wish I had the stories you guys have with WS who downgraded. I probably would not be so insecure all the time. My husband always tells me my weight was not a factor in his cheating but when I saw what his AP looked like, it was a knife to my heart. I imagine him walking around with her being proud he got someone who looked like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about. 

Do you guys ever find yourself trying to outdo the AP? Like in bed or cooking, stuff like that?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

old timer said:


> Were these online music venues? "Second Life", perhaps?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They were real life music venues in the city. Ironically, she was one of those free spirits that liked to act like she could go anywhere she damned well please.

I noticed that she sent him a text one evening (before he met me) in which she said "I'm too white to be here." turns out she was at some bar in a neighbourhood near the two of them.

I don't like that exchange for 2 reasons:

1. On an occasion in which I felt that my personal security was being threatened -- and he was with me -- the woman kept walking too closely to me in a nearly empty airport, I remarked that she was Romanian after seeing her passport as we went through customs, and my fiancé called me a racist..... then brought it up again 3 months later (on the night of EA's famed St. Pat's pub crawl). Oh, he was just joking when I called him on it........

However,

2. It seems that when a white woman claims that "she is too white to be here".....exactly, what does that mean..... that only white women have a problem with personal security so SHE is allowed to make those racist remarks without being accused of being racist. 

Lucky for my fiancé, there is nothing in the texts that suggested that he was running out the door to save her.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Whoa!

Real life meetups? Without you? 
And this was supposed to be only an EA?

Sorry, but I find that hard to believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

old timer said:


> Whoa!
> 
> Real life meetups? Without you?
> And this was supposed to be only an EA?
> ...


He knew her for 4 months before he met me and called her an ex but now a friend. He multidated us while letting her be more privy to me, including out sexual activity. The point at which it became an EA was when we became exclusive and he was still in touch with her, apparently trying to get together without telling me. As far as I can tell, it never happened and he gave up all ties to her when I raised the issue.

I think my situation is very current as many women would like to pull the "just friends" routine while they continue to date other men and also make it difficult for the guys who buy into the "friends" arrangement to find and keep a real girlfriend.


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## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

I was extraordinarily surprised when my XH chose a woman who was not only less attractive, but also bigger than me for an AP, since my weight was his reason for cheating. It was actually a relief because it gave me the catalyst to move on from the toxicity of our relationship much sooner than I would have otherwise.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Ironically I was attempting R with my wife. She moved out last September due to many issues between us. She constantly told me to move on, that there would never be an 'us' again, etc.

So, at the the end of December I started flirting with an 'aquaintance' that we both knew. That led to her and I sleeping together once.

The very next day my wife emails about the divorce. I told her I didnt' care either way when she filed and that I was seeing someone.

She immediately called and started crying stating she didn't want to divorce...

She had dated a couple guys since our seperation, But when she found out about who I slept with she 'lost it'. 

I told her I didn't feel guilty because she had made it clear that she threw me away.. and 4 months later she wants to hold me accountable.. i don't think so... 

My wife and the OW both make more than me.. and both are attractive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

asia said:


> My husband AP was actually pretty and slim. I wish I had the stories you guys have with WS who downgraded. I probably would not be so insecure all the time. My husband always tells me my weight was not a factor in his cheating but when I saw what his AP looked like, it was a knife to my heart. I imagine him walking around with her being proud he got someone who looked like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.
> 
> Do you guys ever find yourself trying to outdo the AP? Like in bed or cooking, stuff like that?


I
I didn't as my wife told me that her affair was nothing to do with me and any failure on my part. I still had problems with that however. I felt that I was less of a man.

By the way thin and pretty are not always synonymous! You sound as if you are a bit of a dish, yourself! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

My fww is a beauty. Her former AP looks like he's missing a chromosome or 5. Looks a little like Corky Thatcher. My RA was not as pretty as my wife. Attractive, but not beautiful.

She hit on me and I bit, that simple. I would have worked my way up the hotness scale. Had some beauties lined up. Then WW came back.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Because looks aren 't everything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

asia said:


> My husband AP was actually pretty and slim. I wish I had the stories you guys have with WS who downgraded. I probably would not be so insecure all the time. My husband always tells me my weight was not a factor in his cheating but when I saw what his AP looked like, it was a knife to my heart. I imagine him walking around with her being proud he got someone who looked like that. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.
> 
> Do you guys ever find yourself trying to outdo the AP? Like in bed or cooking, stuff like that?


From time to time, maybe. But i have said before, i think my wife chose her AP mainly for the simple reason that he wasnt me. 
And a lot of it is like what someone posted, the AP makes themselves seem to have so much in common with the ws. My wifes ap went to the gym. Every day. For like 2 or 3 hours. 
To me, that screams feminism and someone who really has no life...but i guess to her it screamed "i love the gym" or something, i have no idea. I do t spend my time "working out" in a gym. I spend my excercise working. Out. As in outside. Funny thing is, once i kicked in, read mmsl, and really started lifting weights and excercising regularly, my body built and toned up in about mmmmm four weeks to a level that surpasses posom, and he has been going to the gym EVERY DAY for the last 3-4 years. And like i said, he is not as handsome as me (even though im not like brad pitt or anything). Dang. Genetics are a b!tch, huh?
Other than that, personally the only thing i try to "outdo" him on are being a better person, husband and father. Not difficult on all three counts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Because looks aren 't everything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

My stbxw went for a much older about 10 years and heavier about 260-280lbs, so I dont think looks do really have much to do with it. I saw her messages and looks like she even doing it up the buuuuttt. I never tried so I think its just something different she was looking for. D papers being served today!


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

My stbxw's AP was around 5'5", receding hairline, older, and a scrunched up face. And because he was a moron and texted a pic of his gentlemen's sausage to her, I also know he was much smaller in the pants department. He is a scumbag. Even when I discovered their texts and read through, he didn't even talk nicely or sweetly to her, he just blew smoke up her ass. He would tell her how good she was at her job, would supposedly talk to other people about how well she did her job and how he would stick up for her, and how attractive she was, then follow it up with "I jerked off to your image last night." Who says that? There wasn't anything "real" in their messages. 

In the end, it wasn't about how he looked, it was what he could offer her. An escape from her "boring" life of being a mother and wife. She was attracted to his high class way of life. Its funny how money can change a person. 

So no, looks aren't everything, what they can offer though...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

One other reason? 

They're good in bed. 

They may not look good but they're hellfire in the sack and way more adventurous than your spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> One other reason?
> 
> They're good in bed.
> 
> ...


BUT you wouldnt know that til you had already chosen them for some other reason.

Irrelevant!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

brokendown77 said:


> My stbxw's AP was around 5'5", receding hairline, older, and a scrunched up face. And because he was a moron and texted a pic of his gentlemen's sausage to her, I also know he was much smaller in the pants department. He is a scumbag. Even when I discovered their texts and read through, he didn't even talk nicely or sweetly to her, he just blew smoke up her ass. He would tell her how good she was at her job, would supposedly talk to other people about how well she did her job and how he would stick up for her, and how attractive she was, then follow it up with "I jerked off to your image last night." Who says that? There wasn't anything "real" in their messages.
> 
> In the end, it wasn't about how he looked, it was what he could offer her. An escape from her "boring" life of being a mother and wife. She was attracted to his high class way of life. Its funny how money can change a person.
> 
> So no, looks aren't everything, what they can offer though...


Brokendown77, I share the same wonder over the communication between my fiance and his EA. She was never tender or forthcoming except on one occassion. That was when he refused to make a date with her, claiming that he would rather wait to hear from me. so after switching between berating him "You led me on" to making deals with him "If you drop NTA, I'll date you agan," and then later "I'll drop this other guy I'm dating to date you," she then went on to send him an e-card wishing him good luck on a presentation he was going to make at work. 

But when I think of the sum total of the messages ie her starting text messages with the word "a$$hole" ; her telling him to call her back next week because she doesn't know when she has time to see him (that was before she knew about me)..... it does make me wonder how much of a masochist my fiancé can be.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> One other reason?
> 
> They're good in bed.
> 
> ...


Bingo!!!

A willing, adventurous attitude toward sex adds at least 1 point to a woman's sex rank for me. 



An SR6 can become an SR7-8 with these attributes.


Edit to remove "Squirter = +1" reference.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

It's a no-win, like everything else affair related. 

AP is uglier= LS is asking 'WTF was my disloyal spouse thinking? How could their standards be so low? What an idiot!WTF was attractive about that substandard POS?' 

AP is better looking= LS is asking 'WTF is wrong with me? I wish I was better looking, I'm hideous, fat, balding, etc. Why is my DS so shallow to leave me for someone better looking?' 

AP is the same= 'WTF is wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough? What's wrong with my DS that makes them seek out the same thing they already have?'

In my case, I don't know what to think. My DS even said to me "He reminded me of you" and "I think you two could have been friends" on Dday1. I think POSOM is better looking than me- certainly younger, slim, and toned (15 years younger than my DS). Nice dark curly hair and the gypsy look. So, I feel pretty fvcking sh1tty. 

On the other hand, a few women his age that found out say things like "Really? CJ? Ewwww" and "That's hard to believe she'd sink that low, you're much better looking than he is". So who the hell knows. I know it doesn't really matter but its hard not to self-evaluate and feel inadequate when your chosen mate has selected another person to mate with. 



bandit.45 said:


> One other reason?
> 
> They're good in bed.
> 
> They may not look good but they're hellfire in the sack and way more adventurous than your spouse.





LetDownNTX said:


> BUT you wouldnt know that til you had already chosen them for some other reason.
> 
> Irrelevant!!


Not irrelevant IMO. I am reminded of this conversation on my DS's Skype account: 

[6/7/12 11:46:48 PM] POSOM: Soooo, yeah. That should happen then. 
[6/7/12 11:47:21 PM] DS: But I'm fickle and could change my mind.
[6/7/12 11:47:27 PM] POSOM: This is very true.
[6/7/12 11:47:58 PM] POSOM: But, when it comes down to it, I cant/wont do anything till I have a green light. 
[6/7/12 11:48:06 PM] POSOM: So i will just eagerly await.
*[6/7/12 11:48:09 PM] DS: I've been distinctly curious... Ever since you compared yourself to a bow flex. *
[6/7/12 11:48:44 PM] DS: Very secret!
[6/7/12 11:49:15 PM] POSOM: Super secret.
[6/7/12 11:49:33 PM] POSOM: And yes, its definetly something curiosity should over take.

That bolded comment he made about being a Bowflex was prior to the affair, and was something she overheard him say in a conversation she wasn't even a part of. 

She denies that she meant it the way she wrote it, that she spontaneously remembered it during the Skyping, and actually hadn't "been distinctly curious... Ever since...". 

Yeah, right 

So I think a rumor or even even a self proclamation that you're good in bed can increase attraction to a person who is distinctly curious about their object of lust.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> One other reason?
> 
> They're good in bed.
> 
> ...


Well, no, if you remember, I bailed out before I found out exactly how could she might have been...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wasn't talking about you Captain Picard.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The affair-down effect is way too common to be chance.

My own theory is that people choose less attractive or less accomplished AP's because of self-esteem issues. They can feel comfortable and relaxed with someone who yeses them, openly admires them, doesn't challenge them, and most especially, they can easily feel equal or superior to. They can let their hair down completely with a person like this. Living with someone you think you have to work to impress all the time is tiring for these people.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> The affair-down effect is way too common to be chance.
> 
> My own theory is that people choose less attractive or less accomplished AP's because of self-esteem issues. They can feel comfortable and relaxed with someone who yeses them, openly admires them, doesn't challenge them, and most especially, they can easily feel equal or superior to. They can let their hair down completely with a person like this. Living with someone you think you have to work to impress all the time is tiring for these people.


I agree, this is it.


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## JustPuzzled (Dec 12, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> All three of my STBXW's AP were hideous. Losers. But, they were sweet-talkers. She was seeking validation and they gave her that in spades.
> 
> I will say that any gal who likes Star Trek, Dr. Who, Game of Thrones, LOTR (or sci-fi/fantasy in general) ups her sex rank by 2-3 notches.:smthumbup:
> 
> If she knows what a Dalek is, then giddy-up!


This describes my lovely, sexy wife! She loves all these shows. I now have an explanation for our terrific sex life!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I wish I could say my cheating ex wife cheated down, but the guy she left me for was about as ugly as she was on the inside and the outside. 

That's alright though, I got over the divorce and learned to enjoy not being her shrink/daddy ever again.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

old timer said:


> Don't know how true this is, but I've read that women tend to cheat "up" and men tend to cheat "down".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well it's convenient how that works out.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Yep, the old "up and down" thing


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I better change my answer because I honestly think I married down, and she cheated on her own level. 

She being an early education substitute teacher with an associates degree and an endless need for validation, left me a cool tempered veteran with a clean record TS clearance and high potential three weeks after getting out of the Navy, for a dop smoking rock star wannabe working as a fry cook without any education or means of earning more. You tell me which of us was the better option. 

I can do better, way way better than her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> I better change my answer because I honestly think I married down, and she cheated on her own level.
> 
> She being an early education substitute teacher with an associates degree and an endless need for validation, left me a cool tempered veteran with a clean record TS clearance and high potential three weeks after getting out of the Navy, for a dop smoking rock star wannabe working as a fry cook without any education or means of earning more. You tell me which of us was the better option.
> 
> I can do better, way way better than her.


Was she that hot?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> My own theory is that people choose less attractive or less accomplished AP's because of self-esteem issues.


You guys are thinking too deep. I can only speak from a man's perspective ... it's not about cheating up/down on the looks or personality scale (maybe for a minority it is), it's more about hooking up with someone that isn't your partner. In a word, variety.

Most cheating guys (who love their wife, ironically), just want the variety ... what's the phrase .. "selfish cake-eaters"? That's usually all it is. They cheat just because they can and the AP was willing .. looks better or not is irrelevant.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

ironman said:


> You guys are thinking too deep. I can only speak from a man's perspective ... it's not about cheating up/down on the looks or personality scale (maybe for a minority it is), it's more about hooking up with someone that isn't your partner. In a word, variety.
> 
> Most cheating guys (who love their wife, ironically), just want the variety ... what's the phrase .. "selfish cake-eaters"? That's usually all it is. They cheat just because they can and the AP was willing .. looks better or not is irrelevant.


Ironman, how far do cheating husbands go if they are only in it for the variety? Do they promise marriage to the OW? Do they ask for divorce from their BS? Can someone who only wants variety go through such lengths?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

What about the cheating party who supposedly found their "soul-mate"? Men and women BOTH exclaim this. 

Are they looking for 'variety' too?

Vega


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

ironman said:


> You guys are thinking too deep. I can only speak from a man's perspective ... it's not about cheating up/down on the looks or personality scale (maybe for a minority it is), it's more about hooking up with someone that isn't your partner. In a word, variety.
> 
> Most cheating guys (who love their wife, ironically), just want the variety ... what's the phrase .. "selfish cake-eaters"? That's usually all it is. They cheat just because they can and the AP was willing .. looks better or not is irrelevant.


Don't know what your experience is, *ironman* (hopefully none), but from this (cheating) man's perspective - for me, it was a lot about female attention and even more about the sex.

I didn't wake up one morning and think: "Hey - I'm gonna cheat on my wife tonight". I got to know someone that frequented my place of business and over a long period we became friends. I admired her as a person: single Mom for over 25 years, ran her own business, took no crap off anyone - most especially men. 

For over 10 years, nothing untoward ever happened between us, even with me being a very flirtatious guy. I really never flirted with her during this time, because we were "friends". She had always maintained that she would never get involved with a married man. Then, on her birthday, after she mentioned her shoulder being strained, I jokingly offered her a "birthday massage", and I was quite taken aback when she answered "Sure, do you know where I live?".

I had never thought or fantasized about being with this woman sexually (which, actually, is pretty rare for me - I have a vivid imagination, and usually size up every woman I meet as to what she might be like in the sack). I immediately replied "No, but I can damn sure find it". I recall no conscious thought as to right or wrong of it at the time - but I was ready. 

And yes, the sex was good - damn good - and stayed that way for the next 5 years. Neither of us had any conscious desire to get this involved - it was supposed to be a FWB arrangement, but unfortunately, it became much more than that.

*Was she more physically attractive than my wife? *
No, slightly less so, actually. 
*
Was she smarter than my wife?*
Nowhere near it.
*
Was she sexier than my wife?*
Behind closed doors, most definitely.

*The $64,000 Question:* *"WHY?"*
Why would I cheat on my wife of (at the time) 19 years?

At the persistent urging of a particular TAM member, I've tried to come up with an honest answer. It's harder than one might think.

Using the standard of *"means, motive, and opportunity"* used to convict a person of a crime, let's dissect it a bit.
*
"means"** :the ability of the defendant to commit the crime.*
Whether it stems from a character flaw, a lack of character, no moral compass, or any of the reasons bandied about on TAM, I am definitely "able". 

*"motive": the reason the defendant felt the need to commit the crime*
This is a tuffy, but I'll try. My main rationalization: my wife is a spoiled, entitled b!tch, doesn't want to have sex w/ me and even when she does, like everything else I do around here - it's just not good enough for her.
*
"opportunity"*: *the defendant had the chance to commit the crime*
In my business (bar/club) there were plenty of opportunities. Why after 19 years did I use this one? Another $64K question. One I really do not have an answer for.

There's one reason for the "WHY" which keeps coming back into my mind over and over again, and I believe can be shared with almost every crime ever committed:

*SELFISHNESS*
I have never thought of myself as a selfish person - far from it. But the selfishness I displayed in making the conscious and unilateral choice to cheat on my spouse - for *WHATEVER* reason - is the most selfish thing I have ever done. If I didn't like the way things were at home, I could have worked to make it better and if it didn't work - get a damn divorce.

Instead of facing the problems in my marriage head-on, being a man and doing the right thing - I took the easy way out. 

The AP didn't have to be more physically attractive or intellectually challenging than my spouse. *Means, motive and opportunity.* 

Obviously we were "Not Just Friends".


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

asia said:


> Ironman, how far do cheating husbands go if they are only in it for the variety? Do they promise marriage to the OW? Do they ask for divorce from their BS? Can someone who only wants variety go through such lengths?


I don't think there are any rules in this regard. So yes, the lengths someone motivated to cheat will go to can be unbounded. What you have to understand, is that if the cheater is simply after sex (like many male cheaters are), then usually they'll tell their AP just about anything to get laid .. doesn't mean they mean it!


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

old timer said:


> Don't know what your experience is, *ironman* (hopefully none), but from this (cheating) man's perspective - for me, it was a lot about female attention and even more about the sex.
> 
> I didn't wake up one morning and think: "Hey - I'm gonna cheat on my wife tonight".


Hi oldtimer, unfortunately I'm no angel and I'm surrounded by people who don't blink an eye at cheating. I guess what I was trying to say is that many, many times the reasons for the cheating are actually quite shallow ... Not always.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

ironman said:


> What you have to understand, is that if the cheater is simply after sex (like many male cheaters are), then usually they'll tell their AP just about anything to get laid .. doesn't mean they mean it!



For a successful marriage, you first find a fox to crawl into the den, when you crawl out of the den, keep your pants zipped !

"Variety" usually results in a vixen becoming a hellcat.


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