# Which is worse I realize this is a stupid comparison



## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

wanting to solve a debate here. Please help. Honest opinions.
Scenario 1
Point 1 When in a new relationship male tells female they don’t want to hear about females sex life with exes or conversations between female and an ex that surrounded sex that happened prior to relationship with male, but the female brings it up and reads a conversation that was had prior to new relationship to prove a point even though the didn’t want to hear about it.

point 2 Female is friends with most recent ex and because the ex still has feelings for them the new male partner voices they wish for them to discontinue the friendship although they do not hang out with eachother they only talk about their children as they wish to remain in the ex’s childrens lives. The ex said negative things about the new boyfriend because female told him that new boyfriend had an issue with them talking. Out of spite the female goes to the ex’s place on purpose to purposefully piss off their new boyfriend to take a stand about their boundaries and not have false accusations thrown at them and be told who they can and can’t talk to.

Scenario 2
Point 1-male starts new relationship out by lying about their living situation because they are embarrassed, saying they live with a roommate, meanwhile they live with their parents, saying a car is theirs when it’s actually their parents car and going so far to collaborate so many lies into that story and continue it for 5 weeks into the relationship, then out if guilt he comes clean.
point 2-male is talking to another female for over a month in a sexual way asking for nudes, to meet up etc while he is in relationship and he is hiding it. Female checks his old phone because he forgot it at her house and it was dinging so she decoded to look as she had suspicions something was up with him due to false accusations she had gotten. When confronted male immediately turns it around and brings up all things in scenario 1. Reason given for male talking to someone else is because they want attention as their female partner is pushing them to get a job and do better in their life, at first they tried to be patient and do it nicely but since that wasn’t working they got fed up and started to belittle them and give them tough love to try to motivate which resulted in Making them feel inadequate.

I realize all of these scenarios are unhealthy and extremely immature and there are wrongs in both of these situations but which partner is worse? Female in scenario 1 didn’t start pulling that type of stuff until after their partner came clean about all the lies they were telling about their life. Male in scenario 2 didn’t start talking to someone else until female started getting fed up with them not having a job and they were paying for trips, meals etc and they were not reciprocating.

I’m not a moron this is simply to solve a debate and prove a point. Thanks!


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Assuming I have understood your convoluted text.

Views on the situations will vary from person to person. So there is no solution.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

hairyhead said:


> Assuming I have understood your convoluted text.
> 
> Views on the situations will vary from person to person. So there is no solution.


Sorry it sounded right coming out. I will try to edit to make it less confusing. 🤦‍♀️ I didn’t reread before posting. Even if varying opinions I would still like to hear.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Give them fake names


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

disrespected said:


> _*wanting to solve a debate here. Please help. Honest opinions.*_



I'm sorry. I couldn't understand what you were saying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Deception is a bad thing.

Yet, spilling out everything bad in your past will bring you down in another persons eyes.
Sharing is good, oversharing will damage your relationship.

If you have done really unreasonable things in your past, you best admit it up front.

Normal activities, relationships, mistakes, and heartbreak need not be brought up.
Most people have some skeletons in their closet.

Manipulating another to get some result is bad.

That, about covers it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I tried several times to wrap my head around your post and got nothing out if it but a headache.

I suggest a re-write and simply say "This is how I feel about the situation and here is what my partner has to say about it" and who is unreasonable or whatever.

Fact of the matter is, whatever it is you're trying to say here, no matter how many "votes" you get either in favor of your position or how many people seem to side with the person you're fighting with, it's probably not going to be unanimous and it's not going to somehow solve your problem.

Clearly there are serious unresolved, dealbreakers on both sides. Make better choices, both in your own life and in finding a partner you get along with and share a similar outlook with.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can't tell who's who so all I can do is just go scenario by scenario. Number one scenario, the one who insists on telling the story is disrespectful to the others wishes but it doesn't sound that serious. 

Number 2 scenario, if there's no one wanting to get back together with the ex and the kids, seems reasonable to try to keep a cordial relationship because of the kids. The partner can only be a tyrant about it if you keep the partner. That said there should be firm boundaries to not let that friendship cross lines, but unfortunately the controlling bullyish partner has already crossed all kinds of boundaries and made it impossible to include him with any visits. So I would just say he's not a keeper. 

In the third scenario where somebody is lying about still living with their parents, that's the worst one because they're a liar. It's also the worst one because I person who would do that and still be living with their parents and lying about it is in no way mature enough for a serious relationship. I'm not sure if you are the hot mess or if he is the hot mess, but someone needs to dump the hot mess.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I did not understand the situations in each scenario - need simpler explanations perhaps with fake names


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Rewrite.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

disrespected said:


> I’m not a moron this is simply to solve a debate and prove a point. Thanks!


In other words, you want to a bunch of internet strangers to tell you that you are right, and your partner is wrong. That's no way to solve a disagreement with someone you love.

Problems in scenario 1: 

One person said they didn't want to hear about their partner's previous sex life, but later brought up the fact that they had been reading about it. So the person was actually lying about not wanting to know, and snooped on their partner's phone to find out. That's no way to behave with someone they love.
One person told their partner who they could and couldn't hang out with. That's no way to behave with someone they love.
One person acted out of spite and purposely pissed off their partner. That's no way to behave with someone they love.
Problems in scenario 2:

One person was lying to their new partner about a lot of things, but eventually came clean. That's really starting the relationship off on the wrong foot, and deliberately manipulative. Even if they came clean out of guilt, it says a lot about them that they lied in the first place.
One person is seeking sexual attention from other people while in a (presumably) exclusive relationship with their partner. That's no way to behave with someone they love.
One person is belittling their partner in an attempt to change their behaviour. That's no way to behave with someone they love.
One person is not pulling their own weight in the relationship, and expecting their partner do all the financial effort. That's no way to behave with someone they love. 
It sounds like both people are responsible for some of this awful behaviour, and neither of them should be in a relationship with anybody until they sort themselves out.

If it's YOU who lives with your parents and doesn't have a job and lied about it, get the hell off your butt and start supporting yourself like an adult. And if your partner is encouraging you to do just that, and you don't wanna, just break up instead of cheating on them.

If it's YOU who manipulates and belittles your partner and bosses them around, just break up instead of trying to change them.

ALL of this is bad behaviour. If you are arguing about who behaved worse, and trying to prove a point that cheating is a 8 on the bad scale and lying and manipulating is only a 7, your relationship is doomed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The whole entire thing sounds low level childish on both sides and perhaps you should ask yourself..... “What good is this doing me?”


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

I’ve updated it. Thank you all.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Rewrite.


Done ty!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

disrespected said:


> wanting to solve a debate here. Please help. Honest opinions.
> Scenario 1
> Point 1 When in a new relationship male tells female they don’t want to hear about females sex life with exes or conversations between female and an ex that surrounded sex that happened prior to relationship with male, but the female brings it up and reads a conversation that was had prior to new relationship to prove a point even though the didn’t want to hear about it.
> 
> ...


Ok. They both seem like losers to me. I'm sorry if this is you and your partner but they really both seem equally poor.

I'm a man so I'm sure I have a certain perspective.

I wouldn't ever consider dating the woman in scenario one as she is a pathetic loser but the guy in scenario two seems like one as well.

I would tell them both to grow up before starting a relationship.

Relationships are for adults. The people in the scenarios aren't.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> The whole entire thing sounds low level childish on both sides and perhaps you should ask yourself..... “What good is this doing me?”





Hopeful Cynic said:


> In other words, you want to a bunch of internet strangers to tell you that you are right, and your partner is wrong. That's no way to solve a disagreement with someone you love.
> 
> Problems in scenario 1:
> 
> ...


thank you!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I have to say the second is so much worse. Lying about living with parents, having a car, not wanting to get a job, chatting with another women BUT AT THE SAME time making demands on the partner! A dishonest person, too immature to be in a relationship, but mature enough to know what he needs. 

‘Don’t speak to your ex, but it’s ok for me to lie about everything, and ok for me to have another woman.’ 

How can you demand attention in a situation like this?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The people in that relationship need to move on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I would ditch them both, in scenario 1 and 2.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Scenario 1 
Point 1 Words are put in the blender and then posted.
Point 2 Edited but still hard to read, but enough is understood to get the gist of it.

Scenario 2
Point 1 Manwithnoname doesn't know which person the OP is, and doesn't care. Both OP and the OP's partner are too immature to be in any relationship.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Scenario #1: Get rid of the woman. Guy tells her he dont want to know about past FBuddies but she keeps telling him about them.

She wants to keep being all budy budy with ex that still has a thing for the girl and is now dissing the new man. She is vindictive and just be a matter of time before she is back in the sack with her ex and hiding it from new BF or saying it meant nothing!...it was only sex!

#2: Guy is very immature and again they should not be together. OIL and WATER.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If I were the partner of either of these people, I'd cut ties and RUN. They both sound like very unsafe partners who are equally horrible people. 

Hope that answers your question.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Scenario #1: Get rid of the woman. Guy tells her he dont want to know about past FBuddies but she keeps telling him about them.
> 
> She wants to keep being all budy budy with ex that still has a thing for the girl and is now dissing the new man. She is vindictive and just be a matter of time before she is back in the sack with her ex and hiding it from new BF or saying it meant nothing!...it was only sex!
> 
> #2: Guy is very immature and again they should not be together. OIL and WATER.


Thank you! Just to be clear it was a conversation with an ex she was in a 7 year relationship with, over 3 years ago. The conversation was her doing self reflection and asking him if he felt she could work on something in the relationship area. The sexual part of it was him saying she had a high sex drive. That was the only thing sexual about it. She is definitely vindictive but wouldn’t sleep with her ex, she would have just kept him in the first place if that was the case. I can definitely see that happening if the ex was the one who broke it off. But remaining friends only to stay in ex’s 9 year old child’s life that grew close with her over the 3 years they were together. They only talk about the child are not close friends, they don’t hang out or talk about anything personal. This is still wrong and a red flag?


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> If I were the partner of either of these people, I'd cut ties and RUN. They both sound like very unsafe partners who are equally horrible people.
> 
> Hope that answers your question.


I agree 💯


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I did not understand the situations in each scenario - need simpler explanations perhaps with fake names


I updated


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

hairyhead said:


> Assuming I have understood your convoluted text.
> 
> Views on the situations will vary from person to person. So there is no solution.


I updated


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Deception is a bad thing.
> 
> Yet, spilling out everything bad in your past will bring you down in another persons eyes.
> Sharing is good, oversharing will damage your relationship.
> ...


Uh, you'd have to define unreasonable a bit.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Uh, you'd have to define unreasonable a bit.


I think he/she was saying in general.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

disrespected said:


> I think he/she was saying in general.


I'm certain that's the case.

My point is unreasonable is waaayy too broad.

Just using myself for an example, some say yes, some say no on certain things. 

My policy is if it's not some pertinent preference or some legal or employment problem then discretion is the best policy. If something comes up organically that's different, like in some related conversation when a topic adds value to a discussion no worries.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm certain that's the case.
> 
> My point is unreasonable is waaayy too broad.
> 
> ...


Very true! And in many circumstances some have made mistakes in the past and learned from them so no need to dredge up stuff that would be better off buried if lessons were learned from them. We don’t all remain the same. And no need to have someone’s perception potentially change of you for something that may have happened over 10 years prior that has no relevance to current relationship or speak to who a person is currently.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So rather than split it up into scenarios and points, here is the whole thing combined (and I am guessing that OP is the male).

Male and female start a new relationship. 

Male is an insecure, liar and a cheater. He lies about him being jobless and living in his parents house and not having a car! So, a weak person that needs to get a job and work on their insecurity and tendency to cheat and lie. This male goes as far as try and cheat with other females while in this relationship blaming his despicable behaviour on the controlling nature of the female when in reality there is no excuse for this behaviour! He sees himself as disrespected when in fact what he did is the height of disrespect.

Female is controlling and lacking in relationship boundaries. She is a go getter and severely disappointed when she finds out about what a liar her new partner is. She keeps trying to force him to get a job and do better but male cannot understand why she is so pushy about this. In this light her recent ex is still a hell of a lot more attractive to her (who can blame her). Instead of dumping the male's ass, she crosses boundaries and stays in contact with her ex (bad behaviour). What she should have done is break up with male first and then see her ex. She uses needing to stay in contact with ex's kids as an excuse to continue to see ex. Male tries to dictate to her that she should not see ex (even though he is out of work and not contributing to anything) and she will be damned if she takes instructions from a poor excuse for a man and so she continues to defy him. Male uses this behaviour as a reason for him cheating (yeah, right!!).

Instead of breaking up with her, male (who has no pride and still wants her financial support and stabiity) comes to a marriage board for advice on who is wrong here!?!?!?!?!!!

So very weak male and controlling female with no boundaries are poorly matched and it would be simpler if they just split up.

As for who is the "more wrong" or which "is worse" - the answer should only be "who cares"!!!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

disrespected said:


> Thank you! Just to be clear it was a conversation with an ex she was in a 7 year relationship with, over 3 years ago. The conversation was her doing self reflection and asking him if he felt she could work on something in the relationship area. The sexual part of it was him saying she had a high sex drive. That was the only thing sexual about it. She is definitely vindictive but wouldn’t sleep with her ex, she would have just kept him in the first place if that was the case. I can definitely see that happening if the ex was the one who broke it off. But remaining friends only to stay in ex’s 9 year old child’s life that grew close with her over the 3 years they were together. They only talk about the child are not close friends, they don’t hang out or talk about anything personal. This is still wrong and a red flag?


She should not be talking anything sexual with another man. 
No contact alone in this case unless their SOs are present. No coffee catch ups etc. W/o you present. Why if she is close to child, does she need to talk to ex? Call the child.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

She was single when the conversation took place, and was months before the new relationship started. It was an old conversation that never was deleted. That was a different ex then the one with the child. That one was the most recent ex. She doesn’t talk to the ex, only talks to him to arrange pick ups and drop offs of the child and no conversation is had between the at drop offs or picks ups, not even small talk. Though before they were friends but due to it making new boyfriend uncomfortable she discontinued the friendship completely and kept it to child pick ups/drop
Offs only out if respect for new boyfriend although she isn’t the type that would do the same as she doesn’t have trust issues until given a reason to have any. 

="Divinely Favored, post: 20440271, member: 128130"]
She should not be talking anything sexual with another man. 
No contact alone in this case unless their SOs are present. No coffee catch ups etc. W/o you present. Why if she is close to child, does she need to talk to ex? Call the child.
[/QUOTE]


Divinely Favored said:


> She should not be talking anything sexual with another man.
> No contact alone in this case unless their SOs are present. No coffee catch ups etc. W/o you present. Why if she is close to child, does she need to talk to ex? Call the child.


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## disrespected (Nov 13, 2012)

OP is female lol I ended things. Cause I realized this relationship was causing me to revert back into old immature behaviours that I thought I was done with in my 20s. No I definitely didn’t want to continue anything with my ex. I just genuinely care about his child and the child doesn’t have a proper female role model in her life so I try to continue to stay in her life so she has something constant. My son was murdered a few years ago and since then I have been having a hard time. I realize that this short lived relationship has shown me that I really need to work on myself so I don’t attract losers with no drive or capacity to have a mature relationship. I can’t fix people. I need to focus on my own healing before I can meet someone who I can then have a mature relationship with. (My last relationship had no issues aside from what I perceived as a lack of ambition although he worked full time I just found him to be irresponsible with money so I ended things after 3 years) in hopes that I would find someone with more drive. In turn I found someone with far less and tried to take some sort of lesson out of it.


manfromlamancha said:


> So rather than split it up into scenarios and points, here is the whole thing combined (and I am guessing that OP is the male).
> 
> Male and female start a new relationship.
> 
> ...





manfromlamancha said:


> So rather than split it up into scenarios and points, here is the whole thing combined (and I am guessing that OP is the male).
> 
> Male and female start a new relationship.
> 
> ...


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