# My husband hates my entire family and even his own mother...help!!!



## redheadfromga (Jan 12, 2013)

My husband hates my entire family and even his own mother. The holiday's have been rough this year. He refuses to have anything to do with my family or his mother. He hates my family because they are selfish and only want you/me around if they can get something out of it. He hates his mother because she is money hungry and very manipulative. This does put a damper on our relationship because I have a tendency to not stay mad or hold a grudge. I am a non-confrontational type of person and have a tendency to forgive and forget with or without an apology because I just don't like to stay mad at people. He on the other hand will tell you exactly how he feels and doesn't give a damn wether you like him or not and will hold a grudge for years. So when the holidays come around and I decide to participate in a family activity he gets very angry and refuses to go. I believe that he should set aside his feelings for a couple of hours and participate. So I guess I need some advice on how I can get him to possibly patch things up with his family and mine or should I just let it be?
It does bother me because in a way I feel like he is trying to alienate me from my family (he also doesn't like any of my friends either). Any advice will help. Thanks  :scratchhead:


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

He hates my family because they are selfish and only want you/me around if they can get something out of it.He hates his mother because she is money hungry and very manipulative. 

You know what they say: You can pick your friends.......relatives you're just stuck with. 


HATE is a pretty strong word.......I won't say hate, but in some ways, we feel the same about his mom and most of OUR extended family members. Basically, we're ignored unless they need/want something. One or two might call, albeit very seldom, just to chat, catch up, or return our calls. This behavior makes you feel used and/or virtually useless and certainly doesn't make you feel like being generous in their time of need. 

IOO, relationships are a two-way street; without it, there is no relationship. Familial relationships need to be cultivated/nurtured by all parties just like anything else. 


We are the exact opposite of you two......I'm less forgiving and H is a little more relaxed. What works for us is above all else, We and our marriage come first. We understand how/what the other thinks and agree to respect it. We communicate with our family but spend most of our time with neighbors/friends. 

There's really not a lot you can do about H relationship with his mom........it's his mom so it's his issue. As far as your family.....do you feel the same way about them? If so, then I have a hard time understanding how you think he's trying to alienate you; if they're behaving/treating you both badly, then it's partly their fault. They either care about you or they don't.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You can't patch up his relationships for him.

When he has a desire to become closer to family. It will happen.

Otherwise, just honor his opinions. He does not feel any desire to be around people who are selfish or just use others for money. What's wrong with that.

If it was a room of strangers that were all out to trick or manipulate your husband to part with his money, would you force him to go to that party & socialize for an hour or two? No.

I know you think it should be different because they are family. "Family is family & you set differences aside." Yes, some people can do that .. others.. it would just make them dislike their families even more to be forced to do that.

Just realize that he does not have the same capacity to forgive family like you do. He does not hold the same value to family than you do. He instead would rather spend time with friends that respect him, and that he can respect.

Honor that & let it go. Don't worry about him not showing up for family functions. Eventually, they will just accept him as a "reclusive" family member.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would encourage you to go and have fun without him. You're both entitled to your values. As a person who can't stand my own mother after years of trying, I feel offended when people tell me to patch things up - they have no idea how deeply and frequently she betrayed and hurt me. 

I don't recommend giving up your time with friends or family for him, though. Keep inviting him, and accept it if he doesn't want to go, but uphold your right to keep those relationships if you value them.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I am a very forgiving person and I do my best not to hold grudges, but that said, I consider all my wife's family to be toxic and I won't have anything to do with them. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to put yourself in a position to be subject to certain harm. Forgiving someone doesn't make them OK, it makes you OK.


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