# I really need some friends



## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

This sounds so pathetic, but OMG, I need some friends!  Here's the thing. I moved away from the town I had had my first 2 kids in when they were not quite 3 and 4. (Army) We moved back to that town after the Army when the oldest kids were 9 and 10 and I had a third child who was 6. Well, my friends who were here before have moved on. Only one family still lives here and, while we are _friendlyWe are not "friends". Worse, our oldests, who are the same age, are NOT friends. 

So, I'm stuck trying to make new friends. The problem is, I call women, and we might even have lunch together, but they NEVER call me. I was taught a long time ago to be careful of never/always statements. But in this case, it's true. My phone never rings. The only person who calls me is my best friend from where we were stationed. We have lived here for 4 years now. I am starting to get the attitude of, "Why bother even talking to people." Last night, (4th of July) I sat in the car for the fireworks because I just don't even know what to say to people anymore.

I feel like a stalker. "WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?!" LOL But, I don't know how much longer I can go on with no friends. It also is especially hard b/c my husband makes no effort at all to make friends. In fact, he hates people. He has a superiority complex and can't stand talking to anyone...which is too bad, because he's very likable and social when he wants to be. Unfortunately, more and more, he only acts that way when it can serve him in some ulterior motive. 

Anyway, any advice on what to say/do to find someone who will actually call me back? I feel like I'm dating!!

~K_


----------



## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I moved 6 months ago and it was the toughest move I've ever done. I was a Forces child so to even find a move tough knocked me for six! 

I felt very lonely and isolated. My H is not social other than through work events which he attends on his own.

Half a year on I'm slowly starting to see some light. I've had a couple of invitations and a couple of agreements to meet up over the summer when school's out. Your kids-like mine- are at the age when they develop friendships without your assistance so you lose the bonding you get with other parents when you have littlies.

It will come in time, be patient. Distract yourself however you can and be open to friendship arriving and blossoming from the most unexpected directions.

Being online is a good distraction during these solitary times. Perhaps look at forums where you share things in common and start from there.

Good luck, I promise you it will get better.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

As far as it is possible to tell from your post, you sound an approachable reasonable person so, could it be potential friends are being put off by your husband's attitude? 

If yes, does your husband know the effect he is having and is he aware that you are unhappy about becoming isolated. Should you agree with my suggestion as to what is putting people off, how would you feel about asking your husband to consider changing his attitude somewhat. It's not too tall an ask if he is genuinely understanding of your increasing isolation and truly wants to help. As well as being charming when he wants something, could he not turn on the charm also because he wants something for YOU rather than for himself.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

And FWIW, I don't think you're pathetic at all!


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have a thought: You say they never call you. I'm approaching this as a very shy person; I have tons of trouble making new friends because I'm so shy. I often won't call a new friend that I really like because I worry that I'll be bothering her, interrupting her doing something else, or I (and this is my own impression due to shyness, not anything they do) feel that perhaps they didn't enjoy my company as much as I enjoyed theirs. 

So, is it possible that these women aren't calling for some similar reasons? Maybe some of them are shy, maybe you are shy and therefore unintentionally gave off a "I don't want to be here" vibe? Maybe they figure with 3 kids, you're so busy you'll call them when you get free time? Do they have kids of their own? If they don't, they might very well think that you just never have free time and don't want to bother you. 

I would maybe try calling them and setting some things up. Drop statements like how you would love to get together, or "give me a call sometime" things like that, to let them know you're open to calls and friendship. 

And if you've been bringing your hubby, maybe leave him home. If he acts like that, it is possible that they are turned away by that. No one wants to hang around someone who acts like they're better than you, and it's possible that these women think that if he acts like that, you might too. Once you've made your own friends, and are well established in those friendships, where they know you really well and know your personality, then bring hubby into it if you want.


----------



## Anya (May 22, 2010)

If you lived in NYC I would love to hang out. I'm in the same situation but mine isbecause I study a lot and have left most of my frinds behind.  not good.
What you can do is join a club, social activity and talk to people in there. Don't push it just let it be and move with the flow. Call them from time totime to say hi and invite them over for dinner maybe.
Couples make good friends too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Be creative. Join a club for something you like to do. Volunteer somewhere. Sign your kids up for summer activities and get to know the moms. Take a class. Lots of ways to meet people and if you're all doing some activity it makes it easier to get to talking.


----------



## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

When you have the opportunity to make a new friendship, ask if they'd like to get together for coffee, a beer, lunch - whatever you prefer. Then (right then!) set a date and time. Too make friendships never happen because we say "let's get together sometime" and never do.


----------



## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well i understand how you feel.You want to make friend,the first thing is don`t always talk about yourself when you go out with them.Maybe people told you the thing to you to make you believe the wrong one.Think like this one,if you cant open up to someone and always wait other people do it to you first,how can you find the real friends.Telling people that you want to make friends with them is a shame,stop worrying.Thanks for sharing.


----------



## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

Thanks for the advice ladies! Actually, I never bring my hubby. I have been calling people and inviting them for lunch, but the problem is that I never hear from them again. They might come to lunch, but then that's it. And we talk about how I have all this free time since I don't work and my kids are teens now. I tried joining a local Christian women's club, but the women who attend are mostly retired and just too old to be my new BFF. I live in a small community in Michigan, so there aren't that many clubs to join. 

My kids are in a ton of things, but people (the other moms) sort of act like they're not interested in making new friends. My boys have played hockey for the past 4 yrs here and my youngest wanted to try out for a Spring travel team that a few of his friends made last year. We talked to 2 sets of parents of those friends and said, "Please let us know when try-outs are." We talked to them several times about it throughout the regular hockey season. And yet, my son got off the bus crying the day of the tryouts, because no one had told us. My husband actually ended up dropping everything (one of his best moments) and taking my son to the tryouts (an hour and a half away). But, why couldn't one of the moms or dads say, "Hey, it's Wednesday night" or whatever! Most of the time, when I stand next to someone in the bleachers for a game, they move away from me. It's kind of weird. Like, I shower, so I don't think I stink. I don't scream at my kids on the ice like some people. I just don't know. 

My boys also both play soccer and my daughter is on the local water-ski team. I have volunteered to be in charge of getting sponsors for the hockey team's golf outing next month...no one gets back to me. It's like there's something about me that repels people. Sigh.

Ok, I'm going to the beach now. More later.
~K


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Know how you feel Borrowed. I moved with my H four years ago and have not made any friends since. i had many friends before i moved. i have seriously done nothing with no one else in four years. and the worst part is i am surrounded by people all the time from work and school. i felt so isolated. and i tried everything. ive joined groups, asked people to lunch, went to a church, etc. 

But after a mental break down a few months ago i decided to accept that this is my road in life right now. what i was trying was not working- if anything it was making me feel worse. As corny as it sounds i decided that it must be my purpose to create a deeper friendship with myself. i decided i needed to focus on irradicating the loneliness from the inside out, instead of trying to chase it off by external means. ive stopped feeling that desperation of 'will you be my friend'. im still friendly and out-going, i talk to many people, but if nothing comes of it i dont mind. i just enjoy the moment and dont pressure anything. i feel much better these days and have some new friends.


----------



## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

Blanca, your post was wonderful. I don't think it's corny at all. I think that's just about where I am now. I don't want to say I don't care, but I am finding that I can't worry about it. 

~K


----------



## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I can relate. I moved to where my husband is from, so I have no family or friends here. I am outgoing and make friends easily, but it seems that everyone already has their group of friends formed, and they also have family around. I only see my family a couple of times/year, and he refuses to go with me. He hasn't been with me to see them in 4 years. Anyway, he doesn't have much family, so we are pretty isolated. Every weekend it is just the two of us (no kids yet). I have met a lot of people at work, and even went for drinks with some of the girls once. It was really nice, and I crave more female friendships here. I wouldn't have much social intereaction if it were not for my job, so I would definitely suggest working part-time or volunteering.


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

BorrowedHalo said:


> Thanks for the advice ladies! Actually, I never bring my hubby. I have been calling people and inviting them for lunch, but the problem is that I never hear from them again. They might come to lunch, but then that's it. And we talk about how I have all this free time since I don't work and my kids are teens now. *I tried joining a local Christian women's club, but the women who attend are mostly retired and just too old to be my new BFF. *I live in a small community in Michigan, so there aren't that many clubs to join.
> 
> My kids are in a ton of things, but people (the other moms) sort of act like they're not interested in making new friends. My boys have played hockey for the past 4 yrs here and my youngest wanted to try out for a Spring travel team that a few of his friends made last year. We talked to 2 sets of parents of those friends and said, "Please let us know when try-outs are." We talked to them several times about it throughout the regular hockey season. And yet, my son got off the bus crying the day of the tryouts, because no one had told us. My husband actually ended up dropping everything (one of his best moments) and taking my son to the tryouts (an hour and a half away). But, why couldn't one of the moms or dads say, "Hey, it's Wednesday night" or whatever! Most of the time, when I stand next to someone in the bleachers for a game, they move away from me. It's kind of weird. Like, I shower, so I don't think I stink. I don't scream at my kids on the ice like some people. I just don't know.
> 
> ...


I just want to comment on the part that I bolded. I am in 30's but two of my friends are in their 60's. One of them I would certainly consider a "best friend" (though I honestly do not like such terms--I don't know why, but I have never been comfortable with it, but that is just me). 

Anyways, these two ladies are wonderful and sweet. I enjoy their company as much as I enjoy the company of my friends who are closer to me in age. They both have so much life experience--I love to hear about the lives they have lead. 

As for these other ladies not calling you back, maybe you should not give up on them too quickly, call them a few times more. 

Either way, good luck. If you need an on-line person to "talk" to, feel free to PM me.


----------



## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

Sailor girl, Yeah, I wouldn't discount a friendship with someone older--even a lot older--than me. I'm in my 30's too. But, I'll tell you what happened...it's a little funny. CWC is actually a group that has a luncheon once a month. So, I hit it off with a couple of the older ladies and we decided to get together for lunch another day. Well, both women (though I got together with them separately) did the same thing. They asked me how/when I got saved! It was like they were my pastor. It became clear as the lunches continued that these women were looking for someone to help. They weren't looking for me to be a friend. 

Oh, well. I actually quit going to the luncheons because I began to work during the day. But, what can you do?! I just hope the "right" person comes along. I feel like I'm close!

~K


----------

