# Is it over?



## LostInTheWorld2014 (Nov 10, 2014)

I will try to keep this short. Married young and stuck my head in the sand years ago when there were obvious red flags. He would sneak out after we had gone to bed and be out all night. When I say all night, I mean all night. It would be dawn of the next morning. His explanation was he could not sleep so he went for a drive. He would sometimes return with flowers and a card as say that he had been at the store reading greeting cards for hours. I never accused him or questioned his story. I've found chat line phone numbers in our phone records. When I asked him about it he would say it was not him. His friends used his phone to call the chat lines. Had an ex girlfriend sending letter to our house with hearts and flowers. Found MoneyGram receipts where he sent her money.

Recently, found my husband having conversations with multiple women. Said he talked to them for relationship advice. I called out one female by name so he stopped talking to her and said he was committed to getting our relationship back on track. I found that he continued to have lengthy conversations with another ex girlfriend. She was making plans to come to our city to see him. He was sending her money via MoneyGram. I confronted him and he said he does not handle confrontation well and I assume this was his reasoning for not ending their relationship. I made a FB post that brought their game to an end. I consider this behavior to be cheating. He claims he has done nothing wrong and has not cheated on me. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be furious. I removed my wedding ring at this time. He has led our family to the brink of financial ruin by renting and apartment and obtaining utilities for one of his family members. Both were defaulted on and my husband has court orders against him for the money due. Pawned my wedding rings for cash to pay his car note.

I have always been at home taking care of our family. I have not always been fulfilled by this relationship but never looked outside. Begged my husband to do things together, a picnic in the park, fee days at the zoo and museums. His excuse is "I work". I work as well but tried to put in time to refresh this relationship. I am at a point now where I just don't care. Advice? Comments?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Well the question is, since you say you don't care, is what do you want to do?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a cheater and is spending your money on his girlfriends. 

That's wrong of him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

LostInTheWorld2014 said:


> I have always been at home taking care of our family. I have not always been fulfilled by this relationship but never looked outside. Begged my husband to do things together, a picnic in the park, fee days at the zoo and museums. His excuse is "I work". I work as well but tried to put in time to refresh this relationship. I am at a point now where I just don't care. Advice? Comments?


We all work. Poor excuse in excusing himself from connecting with you. 

If you are at the point of not caring what advise can I offer other then looking after yourself and finding someone that wants to go to the park, zoo and museums. 

Any kids?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What are your goals?

Divorce: depending on where you live... Get a lawyer, move half or whatever money you have to a separate account in your name only, protect your assets, get more evidence if needed. Put a plan together and have him served.

Reconcile? All of the above and if he is truly remorseful (not in words but in actions). Words mean nothing to a liar. Cheaters are liars. Consider actions only. Have a list of demands. He must perform them or else. You have the right to D at any time. Next week or 5 years from now. You can stop the D at any time, so keep it as leverage on him. He no longer has a vote in this matter. He lost his vote when he stepped out on your marriage. He made vows to you and you him.

Have a plan. You can also Expose him to family and friends if you want to stop him. Cheaters hate the light of day. Let it shine brightly on him for all to see.

If there are marital issues, you both own them 50:50. Cheating is his choice 100%. He chose to. You did not force him. 

Watch out for trickle truths, Gaslighting, blame shifting. All tools of cheats and liars. Consider IC and MC.

Cheaterville.com is a consideration as you see fit.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Him paying attention to OW (as he says) is wrong. It is cheating by spending his energy and money on these toxins. He is poisoning his family by his actions. 

Don't be surprised these vixens are 16 year old kids living in their parents basements ripping him and many others off. It is the internet you know.

Regardless, he has no boundaries, values or integrity. Is this what you signed up for? Can he be fixed? Show some strength. Perhaps he is abusing your kind nature.


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## whatUknow (Aug 17, 2013)

Sounds like you already know what you need to do. You could try counseling, but that sounds like it would only prolong the inevitable. 

You need to sit down and figure out what it is you want and if he can give it to you. If the answer is no, move on. It doesn't sound like either of you are willing to put in the work needed at this point.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

LostInTheWorld2014 said:


> I will try to keep this short. Married young and stuck my head in the sand years ago when there were obvious red flags. He would sneak out after we had gone to bed and be out all night. When I say all night, I mean all night. It would be dawn of the next morning. His explanation was he could not sleep so he went for a drive. He would sometimes return with flowers and a card as say that he had been at the store reading greeting cards for hours. I never accused him or questioned his story. I've found chat line phone numbers in our phone records. When I asked him about it he would say it was not him. His friends used his phone to call the chat lines. Had an ex girlfriend sending letter to our house with hearts and flowers. Found MoneyGram receipts where he sent her money.
> 
> Recently, found my husband having conversations with multiple women. Said he talked to them for relationship advice. I called out one female by name so he stopped talking to her and said he was committed to getting our relationship back on track. I found that he continued to have lengthy conversations with another ex girlfriend. She was making plans to come to our city to see him. He was sending her money via MoneyGram. I confronted him and he said he does not handle confrontation well and I assume this was his reasoning for not ending their relationship. I made a FB post that brought their game to an end. I consider this behavior to be cheating. He claims he has done nothing wrong and has not cheated on me. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be furious. I removed my wedding ring at this time. He has led our family to the brink of financial ruin by renting and apartment and obtaining utilities for one of his family members. Both were defaulted on and my husband has court orders against him for the money due. Pawned my wedding rings for cash to pay his car note.
> 
> I have always been at home taking care of our family. I have not always been fulfilled by this relationship but never looked outside. Begged my husband to do things together, a picnic in the park, fee days at the zoo and museums. His excuse is "I work". I work as well but tried to put in time to refresh this relationship. I am at a point now where I just don't care. Advice? Comments?


Dear LostInTheWorld2014,

I am terribly sorry for your situation.

I hate to say this but, based on what you've told us about your husband, it is highly likely that your marriage cannot be fixed. He has been lying to and likely cheating on you for years with no apparent remorse. He also appears to have horrible judgment in his personal relationships and financial dealings. That is not the kind of man that finds it easy to turn his life around and become, over night, a loving and devoted husband and father.

Given this, the best way to give him a strong reason to mend his ways and hopefully save your marriage, ironically, is to file for divorce. Based on the experience of hundreds of betrayed spouses on TAM/CWI, confronting a lying, cheating spouse with the prospect of losing his or her family is often if not usually the only thing that works (although it is not guaranteed to work).

At the very least, you should begin to detach emotionally from him and prepare yourself financially for the eventual end of your marriage. As part of this process, you would be well-advised to protect your savings and speak to an attorney.

You strike me as someone with the intelligence and fortitude to see this through once you have set your mind to it.

I wish you the best.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

But. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Nothing is over until you say it is. And you choose the way in which it is. Chin up.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> We all work. Poor excuse in excusing himself from connecting with you.
> 
> If you are at the point of not caring what advise can I offer other then looking after yourself and finding someone that wants to go to the park, zoo and museums.
> 
> Any kids?


Well if he has time for all his X's then he should be able to make time for his wife! This behavior is unacceptable!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm not in a great mood this afternoon so my reply might be curt sounding;

Your husband is a cheater. Your husband is cheating you out of a decent marriage. 

The only way to stop it is to put your foot down and keep it down. 

Don't let fear stand in your way of NOT putting up with this idiotic behavior. 

Your husband is being a total jerk and taking off your wedding ring is not a threat. Divorce papers is a threat. 

Personally, you should consider moving on but I don't know your situation as far as children and finances. 

There is a better life for you if you are willing to demand one.!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think that you are asking permission to end it.

Just my guess. 

The fact is your husband already broken the marriage.

You shouldn't feel ashamed, because it wasn't your idea to invite so many other women into your marriage.

You have only one chance to experience life, and why make it miserable?

I think being alone is better than feeling anxiety on what he is doing, and living like his mother figure.

Get a separation and file divorce.

Reason is, sometimes it makes them shape up. 

Second, he would have to learn to be financially stable, especially now he has to worry more about bills, and paying to raise his children.

Any evidence that you have accumulated, keep them.

He will likely lie, and try to make you look bad, as if your the reason why the marriage is ending.

After all he has to protect his self image, and he needs a scape goat, which is mostl likely you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are and how much money he'd owe you if you divorce. Do you work?


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