# Feeling sick



## LEB9 (3 mo ago)

My husband for 7 years just told me this morning that he wants to leave me. He’s done this before and moved out a year in to our marriage. He’s struggled with his mental health for years and I’ve done nothing but be supportive, almost to the detriment of my own. In December he said he wanted to separate but we stuck together and I thought we were making progress. We even decided that I would come if my contraption to see about starting a family. I knew he was apprehensive, as I was, but why give me hope that we were fine. I feel physically sick today. And I want him to be here but I don’t know if I can keep going through this. I’m 36 and feel I’ve wasted my time with this man which is horrible to say. I just don’t know what to do?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If he told you he wants to leave twice before and he’s left, you need to either accept this is him or move in. He’s not going to change


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## LEB9 (3 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> If he told you he wants to leave twice before and he’s left, you need to either accept this is him or move in. He’s not going to change


I think I know this but how do you accept it? I fear being lonely.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

LEB9 said:


> I fear being lonely.


The loneliness is temporary if you separate, the dysfunction is permanent if you stay with him. Seems like an obvious choice.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Loneliness lasts a few weeks. Miserable us long term


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LEB9 said:


> He’s struggled with his mental health for years





LEB9 said:


> We even decided that I would come if my contraption to see about starting a family.


I just can't understand what's going on on today's world's people.
People that think that having children with a mentally ill person is a good idea. I mean, knowingly getting into a romantic relationship with one should be an automatic no; imagine having children with one.

In today's world where all the pertinent information for anything is readily available, people should know that procreating with a mentally ill individual is asking for to have children that might inherit those mental illness or worse. I think that it is irresponsible of anyone to even consider. Genetics, people, think of Genetics before making such considerations.

Even the most primitive tribes have taboos about mating with mentally ill people. I guess "civilized" people have lost their touch with nature. 





LEB9 said:


> . I just don’t know what to do?


You should be thanking all the gods out there that you can be out of this relationship so that you can finally get a sense of what normalcy is.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I just can't understand what's going on on today's world's people.
> People that think that having children with a mentally ill person is a good idea. I mean, knowingly getting into a romantic relationship with one should be an automatic no; imagine having children with one.
> 
> In today's world where all the pertinent information for anything is readily available, people should know that procreating with a mentally ill individual is asking for to have children that might inherit those mental illness or worse. I think that it is irresponsible of anyone to even consider. Genetics, people, think of Genetics before making such considerations.
> ...


Birds of a feather stick together.
You only get into relationship with people who have similar 'mental issues' then you have or are mentaly as mature, immature or healthy or toxic as you are.
Name it what you want...

Saying 'I am afraid of being alone' is already an indicator that the person may have a borderline type personality. at least if the person truly means it and has serious mental issues when being 'alone'. Literally. Borderliners have those issues.

If you manage to overcome yourself and develope emotionally, you've got a chance to get out of the relationship. But now you are emotionally as unhealthy as he is. That is the reason you are still in love with him. Otherwise you OP wouldn't like or want to be with him.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

LEB9 said:


> I think I know this but how do you accept it? I fear being lonely.


Maybe head over to the singles 2022 thread on this website. Read a little about some of the posters there and their stories. Not a majic fix but you don’t deserve to be threatened repeatedly. 
Also, make sure you’re back on BC even if you think you’ll never be intimate with him again. Sometimes hard for people to make a clean break.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Do not get pregnant....


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LEB9 said:


> I think I know this but how do you accept it? I fear being lonely.


Honestly…. You are already lonely.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes time — sometimes a lot of time — to adjust to a sudden change. Be patient with yourself.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

re16 said:


> The loneliness is temporary if you separate, the dysfunction is permanent if you stay with him. Seems like an obvious choice.


This right here. You will be lonely for a little while, but you'll find your groove again on your own. You'll also have your support system in place, I'm sure, and some friends or family members who've got your back and get you out living life again. Then eventually, you will meet someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

elliblue said:


> Birds of a feather stick together.
> You only get into relationship with people who have similar 'mental issues' then you have or are mentaly as mature, immature or healthy or toxic as you are.
> Name it what you want...


Yeah, absolutely untrue! A lot of people out there hide information about themselves in order to get what they want from a relationship. A lot of people go undiagnosed until they're middle aged. My XH was like this, although there was a LOT of serious mental illness in his family, and that's one reason why I chose not to have kids with him even though I wanted a family. Good thing though, 4 years later, we divorced. In describing his personality to my therapist before that though, she did bring up a good point: asked if he was on the spectrum. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he were, given his genius mind, personality oddities and the sheer amount of mental illness within his family. However, I'm even keel. XH had some oddities before we were married that I knew about, but chose to ignore (that's on me), and he also had a lot of things that he chose to hide (that's on him). 

So yeah, while like may attract like sometimes, it certainly doesn't happen all the time.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

LEB9 said:


> My husband for 7 years just told me this morning that he wants to leave me. He’s done this before and moved out a year in to our marriage. He’s struggled with his mental health for years and I’ve done nothing but be supportive, almost to the detriment of my own. In December he said he wanted to separate but we stuck together and I thought we were making progress. We even decided that I would come if my contraption to see about starting a family. I knew he was apprehensive, as I was, but why give me hope that we were fine. I feel physically sick today. And I want him to be here but I don’t know if I can keep going through this. I’m 36 and feel I’ve wasted my time with this man which is horrible to say. I just don’t know what to do?



He doesn't want to be married anymore. (If he ever did) 


You should have left him after he moved out the first time.


Let him be. 

Divorce.

He isn't going to ever be the husband you want or need. 


Scrap the idea of bringing human beings into a dysfunctional toxic relationship and environment.

Let him be free.

It just isn't going to work out.

It will get worse if you stay and decide to have children together.


He doesn't want to be married, or doesn't find this relationship salvageable, compatible, personally adding to his fulfillment.



It is best that he goes.

And you two need to cut all ties after the divorce finalizes. Neither one of you need to get sucked back in.



Your relationship has always been unhealthy.

It's time to accept things for what they are and start to work towards moving on.


Yes it will hurt, but the hurting without the unhealthy relationship, is better than the hurt and loneliness that comes from being in a relationship that just isn't working.



Go to therapy.

Get involved with hobbies, try to make friends, develop skills, accomplish things, get a job (if you don't have one and are capable), develop yourself as a person. Go places. Try new things. 


Perhaps eventually you will meet someone that you're compatible with and who genuinely wants to be with you.


You still have life. Work towards living.


Firstly, you have to get comfortable with being single. 

Don't continuously try to force things that just weren't meant to be


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

LEB9 said:


> I think I know this but how do you accept it? I fear being lonely.


It appears this is codependency on your part more than love.
I understand that for women who want children 36 years old is leaving it rather late and the biological clock is ticking.
But according to your post I believe having a child with this guy would be a huge mistake, unless you`d be happy to be a one parent mother.
You are still young enough to make a fresh start and certainly not worth another 7 years wasting your life with your present husband.
But it has to be your decision to do something about it and make the move.
You`ll find in life as one door closes other doors will open for you, but it takes overriding your fears and finding the inner strength to change the situation you are trapped in now.
Think about it.


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## LEB9 (3 mo ago)

looking4calm said:


> Checking in to see how you are doing LEB9?


Thanks for checking in. I’m doing ok. Think I’m settling in the decision, I know it’s the right thing to not be together, and my support around me is amazing.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Loneliness is temporary and is not detrimental to your health. Staying in a bad relationship can take years off of your life. Trust me, I know first hand what marital stress does to a body.


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