# Relationships after Divorce - Need some advice please!



## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Hello all,

It's been a long time since I've been back here. The first time was back in Nov 2011 after I discovered my stbxWW's LTA. How things have changed since then. My divorce will be final on 6/6 (pretty prophetic day huh).

Anyway, I've been seeing a woman for about a month now and I really like her. She has been divorced for over 3 years, is a nurse and raising a 13 y/o son who I've connected with and also like. Thing is that she's very leery of taking the relationship any deeper because as she says "I'm not even out of my marriage yet and need to experience single life again before I commit to one person". I can see her point and I'm trying my best to take things slow i.e., one day at a time. I also understand I'm on a relationship high which is another good reason to take things slow. It's hard though because I believe the feelings I have for her are real and I don't want to lose her. BTW, I'm not thinking about marriage for anything crazy like that again right now.

Anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? How long did it take to know you were ready for another exclusive relationship? Also I've heard that the longer a woman stays single after D, the more likely she is to remain that way because they just get comfortable being alone. Any truth to that?


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

Tuff on here... Kind of can see her point... Can Kind of not.. Do you know if she has feelings for you?? Has she said so? Would seem if she did she would not want to take a chance on lossing you? Atleast that is how my brain see's it...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

> Anyway, I've been seeing a woman for about a month now and I really like her. She has been divorced for over 3 years, is a nurse and raising a 13 y/o son who I've connected with and also like.


How well can you really have connected after only a month? Take your time. I would also stop involving the 13 year old. You two need to figure out things first before you get him involved in this whole thing.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Hope4thebest said:


> Do you know if she has feelings for you?? Has she said so? Would seem if she did she would not want to take a chance on lossing you?


Yes she has feelings for me, and she has said so. At first she wanted me to put up a profile on POF and date other women. She was really stuck on me getting out and knowing for sure that I didn't have the same feelings for anyone else. It was a very confusing time for me. Then, just as I was connecting with a couple of ladies (just talking, no dating yet) she had what I can only term an epiphany. She came right out and said that she didn't want me to date anymore and that she wanted...needed...Loved me. Again, very confusing. I've since deleted my profile on POF (didn't really want it anyway) and we're now exclusive. Trouble is that I keep getting mixed messages from her. One day she can't get enough of me, the next it seems to me like she's pushing me away again. I also feel like I'm constantly being tested and living under a microscope.

Please know that she's had a rough time since her divorce. She's met a ton of jerks and was hurt badly by two of them. I think she is very scared of letting her heart go for fear of having it crushed again. I just don't know how to get it across to her that I'm not gonna bail on her if she does open up. BTW, None of this comes from a codependency stance. I've worked very hard in IC on that issue. I will not ever put myself second in a relationship. Sorry for the long detail. It was the only way I could explain.



Tall Average Guy said:


> How well can you really have connected after only a month? Take your time. I would also stop involving the 13 year old. You two need to figure out things first before you get him involved in this whole thing.


TAG, I can't tell you *why* or *how* I know I've connected. I just know I have. There are a million reasons but sometimes you just know in your gut KWIM. If that sounds naive on my part so be it. I do agree with the "take your time" advice and I am trying to. As for her 13 y/o son. Please know that when I say I've connected, I only mean that we can talk. He doesn't have a male influence in his life and I'm into a lot of the same things he's interested in. I'm *NOT* trying to be his dad nor pushing any other connection with him... again just talking.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would encourage the two of you to continue dating to whatever degree you feel comfortable with - in respect to the more cautious person, anyway. No need to introduce other dating relationships necessarily, but I'd say it's premature to develop ANY kind of commitment until her divorce is at least a year in the past. 

It sounds like she's still feeling uncertainty. She has not really had time to absorb the learning and growth that is needed after a divorce. If you can't handle stepping back, it might be a good idea to withdraw completely (as in "no contact") until at least six months have passed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> Yes she has feelings for me, and she has said so. At first she wanted me to put up a profile on POF and date other women. She was really stuck on me getting out and knowing for sure that I didn't have the same feelings for anyone else. It was a very confusing time for me. Then, just as I was connecting with a couple of ladies (just talking, no dating yet) she had what I can only term an epiphany. She came right out and said that she didn't want me to date anymore and that she wanted...needed...Loved me. Again, very confusing. I've since deleted my profile on POF (didn't really want it anyway) and we're now exclusive. Trouble is that I keep getting mixed messages from her. One day she can't get enough of me, the next it seems to me like she's pushing me away again. I also feel like I'm constantly being tested and living under a microscope.
> 
> Please know that she's had a rough time since her divorce. She's met a ton of jerks and was hurt badly by two of them. I think she is very scared of letting her heart go for fear of having it crushed again. I just don't know how to get it across to her that I'm not gonna bail on her if she does open up. BTW, None of this comes from a codependency stance. I've worked very hard in IC on that issue. I will not ever put myself second in a relationship. Sorry for the long detail. It was the only way I could explain.
> 
> ...


OK, so you let her convince you to deny what it was you wanted. What would have been wrong with telling her that you didn't want to date anyone else, or put up any kind of profile, and that you were fine with just going off and having a hobby or whatever for a few months instead of seeing her, and having a kind of cooling off period between divorce and dating?

It's just odd. That you were so willing to go against what you wanted, in order to please her. I can see why that would be concerning. A person needs to stand up for what they believe in and act according to their own values. 

So, technically, you were willing to get other women's hopes up just to kill time until this woman would date you exclusively...if that's not you, don't do it! And figure out why you did, and work on that, not simul-dating to make someone else happy when you have only been dating them a month.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> ... she wanted me to put up a profile on POF and date other women. She was really stuck on me getting out and knowing for sure that I didn't have the same feelings for anyone else. *It was a very confusing time for me.* Then, just as I was connecting with a couple of ladies (just talking, no dating yet) she had what I can only term an epiphany. She came right out and said that she didn't want me to date anymore and that she wanted...needed...Loved me. *Again, very confusing*. I've since deleted my profile on POF (didn't really want it anyway) and we're now exclusive.
> 
> BTW, None of this comes from a codependency stance. I've worked very hard in IC on that issue. I will not ever put myself second in a relationship.


Codependency does mean we don't take a backseat to being put ahead of an addiction or a partner's mental illness in a relationship. It also means we own what we can own. 

So, she told you what SHE wanted you to do to assure you didn't have feelings for someone else. 

Maybe you would have been comfortable going about this in another way. You say you were confused by this. Nope. I don't buy that.

I am still a codependent, albeit one in recovery. Similar to an alcoholic. I recognize it every single time I start complying with someone else's idea as to how I should handle something. I feel confused. I feel, on a gut level, that things aren't comfortable with me. 

Most importantly? I'll claim I'm confused. No. I'm denying my own reality.

At one month, you are exclusive. Your gf has been burned. She wants to be cautious ... on her terms. 

I'm wondering just how comfortable you are with this relationship. This much confusion at only one month?


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A person needs to stand up for what they believe in and act according to their own values.
> 
> So, technically, you were willing to get other women's hopes up just to kill time until this woman would date you exclusively...if that's not you, don't do it! And figure out why you did, and work on that, not simul-dating to make someone else happy when you have only been dating them a month.


WOW! That one hit home. I did the right thing by explaining things to the women I was messaging on POF but I have to be honest and say I really feel like sh*t now after reading this. You're right too! I would have never done this if I wasn't only looking selfishly at my relationship with my GF. I have IC this Friday and I'm definitely gonna bring up this issue cause it does bother me a whole lot. Thanks for the input!!



Prodigal said:


> Codependency does mean we don't take a backseat to being put ahead of an addiction or a partner's mental illness in a relationship. It also means we own what we can own.
> 
> So, she told you what SHE wanted you to do to assure you didn't have feelings for someone else.
> 
> ...


Hmmm, more food for thought. This is why I love TAM. You're last question has got me thinking and it's not good. I'm now wondering if I'm *really* comfortable, or if I'm just telling/convincing myself I am. More fodder for my IC appointment. BTW, my counselor has been telling me to do what my gut says in this... However with a BIG exception. That is to *always* retain *me* through this. I worked hard on some very important core issues like codependency, self esteem and most importantly only living in the present moment. They have really helped me deal with my D and all the crap that when with it including stbxWW's infidelity. I know I can't afford to sacrifice my growth on those core issues for any reason, cause if I do, I'll fall right down the rabbit hole again.

I know this for certain. There was no affection in my soon to be over marriage. Not in the whole 38 years. I got a taste of it from this woman and I think I'm now addicted to it. Could that be a reason I have such strong emotions for her in this short time frame? :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well the thing is, you can't make her think a different way. This is how she feels and either she wants to keep dating you or doesn't.

What is the rush? Can't you guys just keep seeing eachother and seeing how it goes? She probably is one of those people who wanted to have some free time (time to herself) after being married and is wary of exclusive relationships and doesn't want to take things too fast (in direct contrast to those who begin dating again so soon after or during a divorce). I personally, am like her. The thought of marriage scares me. My divorce was a little over 2 years ago and the separation initially occurred nearly 4 years ago. I have absolutely no understanding of folks that date straight away after such a major ting like marriage ends because it does not compute for me. Does this mean I'll stay alone forever? Who knows! I don't think it has any bearing of what the future holds but I know that right now I enjoy not being super serious with someone, living with someone or discussing marriage. I am not there yet and that is ok.

But not to digress... talk to her about how you feel. if you like eachother, keep dating and see where it goes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I just noticed you have only been dating for 1 month. That is not long at all. If you are feeling the need to get exclusive so fast after a month, that is not good.

I personally would run away from a man who wanted to be my be-all-end all after a month and if he were claiming love declarations.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok I just noticed you have only been dating for 1 month. That is not long at all. If you are feeling the need to get exclusive so fast after a month, that is not good.
> 
> I personally would run away from a man who wanted to be my be-all-end all after a month and if he were claiming love declarations.


Jelly,
I am not claiming anything. Also, I was not the one who changed in mid stream and wanted to go exclusive. I was willing to take things slow and I still am. And marriage? No way, no how. Not even in the equation right now and we have talked about it and are both in agreement. My original post was more about the feelings that I've been dealing with. I know I'm on a relationship high. It's also been made worse because I never experienced any affection in my past marriage. After going 38 years without it, then all of a sudden have it come out of nowhere, it can be addicting KWIM? I'm trying my best to temper that but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard to do. Also, last but not least... I do not *need* to get exclusive. I do not *need* to do anything. There are things however that I *want* and to me, it's a big difference between the two. I *want* to feel close to someone again. I *want* to share what I have inside me with that same person. Doesn't have to right now, doesn't even have to be a time frame associated with it. But again, I'd be lying if I said I didn't *want* that. Hope this makes a little sense.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I hear ya! And yes, I do KWYM. It's nice to feel those crush-like feelings after you haven't in awhile!


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I hear ya! And yes, I do KWYM. It's nice to feel those crush-like feelings after you haven't in awhile!


Thanks so much Jelly. I kind of thought you would get this after what you've been through. I've been out by myself almost every night this week and I'm going tonight to see a CSN&Y tribute band concert with friends (from a meetup group I belong to and with both male & female members). So I am experiencing life after D without her as much as possible. Again, she is 100% OK with this and encourages it. She told me today that she subscribes to the idea that "if you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go". I *still* really want her, but I'm trying to do the right things here also.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

You're sounding a little bit needy in some of your posts by saying you "don't want to lose her" and "you really want her" and further, you quote this woman as saying "if you love some one, you have to be willing to let them go". That sounds like a bit of a power play.

Be careful. Remember that desperation is the kiss of death, and make sure there's an even balance of power in the relationship. You don't want to end up in a one sided relationship where you want her more than she wants you.

Maybe dial it back a little and "be willing to let her go".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoormatNoMore53 said:


> she subscribes to the idea that "if you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go". I *still* really want her, but I'm trying to do the right things here also.


Sounds like the perfect plan!

If she isn't on the same page as you, just move on. If you both want low-key dating, then have at it.


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## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Update:

OK all, spent Sat. & Sun. with her at her house. Mostly just helping her and son open their pool (don't mind doing this at all btw) and then relaxing together... watching a movie etc... Some intimate stuff late at night but we're both careful because she had her son this weekend.

Anyway, everything was perfect up until Sun. night about 9pm when we decided to take a walk together. On the walk, I made mention of a feeling I had that she seemed a little different to me when we are together in public. That it seemed like she didn't want her friends to know we were a couple yet. It was bad timing I think to bring this up when I did but her reaction floored me. She actually went a little ballistic, then became melancholy. It was kinda weird. She told me that I have a tendency to think to much (I do btw) and asked me why I just couldn't leave a tender moment alone. She then began to cry and said that *this* was why she resists opening her heart and letting someone in. She said she did that with me even though she knew I was not ready and was now questioning herself for allowing it to happen. I was like... WOW! all this from just asking a question? Yeah, it was bad timing and also selfish, and yeah, I should have just shut up and enjoyed the rest of the day, but I don't get the questioning of of the *whole* relationship because of one comment I made about something I was feeling.

I guess I really *do* have a long way to go before I get this stuff again. Was what I did so bad? What exactly did I do to set her off like this? 

I truly don't want to hurt this woman, but I have to be me... and right now *me* tends to over think stuff from time to time. I am working on it, but I'm not there yet by any means.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. It's no wonder men find women confusing as hell. She was all over the place.

Yeah you prob sounded a little insecure but you were being honest. She had a bad reaction to what you said. Sounds like she totally over-reacted.

Look, it sounds like maybe she isn't sure what she wants. If that is the case, you are wasting your time if you do know what you want and you're not on the same page. 

It's kind of coming across like you are ready and she is not.


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