# Wife changing and don't have skills to cope. Please help!



## TAW082 (May 11, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We got married young (19 and 17) and have two children now. 
The change began with her suddenly getting a new friend at work. Her new friend got her into a group of friends (all women) who wanted her to hang out with them. 
The bad change happened because we both ALWAYS agreed that we would never drink alcohol. I come from a family that drinks alot and she comes from one where no one drinks so we decided that we didnt need it in our lives because stupid things happen when you are drunk. 
Her friend though (I believe anyway) was the one that convinced her that she should try alcohol. So one day she tells me that she thinks she wants to try it, which caught me off guard and I didn't like it at first but she said "Its ok, I'm not saying I want to anytime soon. Just before I'm 30 I might happen to have tried a sip of one." 
So I let it go. A couple months later and her 21st is coming up. (later this week actually) And she mentioned something about alcohol and I asked if her friends wanted to take her out on her 21st to get her to drink. She said "No, I wouldn't go even if they wanted me to. I want it to just be me and you around the house." 
Then the other day she says "Actually, they want me to go out with them the day after my birthday so we can celebrate." I asked her if they were going to make her try adrink and she said no. Later that night she then changed and said "Probably, a sip or two of some drinks. But I would NEVER get drunk. Thats not me." 
So here is my problem: I know its just drinks but I feel like she is changing and I don't know how to cope. 
I believe I should let her go and try it because I don't want to be that guy who is conrtolling but I've been very frustrated lately. Mostly because she went from never wanting to drink and agreeing with me to "Maybe by the time I'm thirty I might have a sip" to "I would never go out with my friends to drink" to "I'm going out with my friends but I'm not going to drink" then to "Actually I am going to drink", all in about 4 months. I just need help on how to cope with this change. 
Like I said I believe I should let her go with them and try it out. I just have bad anxiety and my brain is thinking that if she did all that in a month how am I suppose to know in a week she wont suddenly want to get drunk and go out more often. 
That tends to be my biggest problem. Letting my brain run out of control and say things like "well she sais this and changed her mind about 4 times so what is stopping her from doing it again and again" I know change is inevitable I just want to know if I am freaking out too much and should just calm down and if I am also how to cope with change in your spouse. Specifically change you don't like.
She is a WONDERFUL wife and I love her. Its just this one thing that is giving us a bump in the road.
Please help!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

A few questions...
How often does she go out with these friends and I'm just covering the bases here, are you sure all the friends are female.
On the surface it seems okay but I wouldn't say much more about this for now and quietly observe.
Sorry you are here.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Unfortunately, this is not going to be the only change you will see in your wife in the next 10 years or so. It is what happens when you marry a child, which she was. She will not be the same person at 30 she was at 17, 21, or 25. You won't be either.


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## TAW082 (May 11, 2015)

She has only gone out with the main friend (which is a girl) only about 4 times in the past 4 months. This weekend will be the first time she has been out with the other girls. 
I know they are all girls because I use to work at the same place she does so I have some what known the girls for about 8 months though I actually have never spoken to any of them except the main one. Before now she never even had one friend.
I know she would never cheat on me or lie to me which is why I know everything about what they are doing because we communicate alot to each other. I just am having a hard time with this one specific thing that she has chosen to do. 
I also know this isn't the last time she will change so I was wondering if anyone had coping skills with how to deal with change when you don't like the change.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Toxic friend needs to go. She in interfering in your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often is she going out with these friends?

Why not suggest that you go along with her and her friends. Tell her that you'd like to meet them.

If I were you I'd also take of the 'novelty' out of the idea of having a drink. Right now it something that her friends are suggesting.

I'd get a small bottle of something and let her have some drinks at home. Letting her get very drunk at home might be a good idea... with a hang over the next day. Let her experience what alcohol does to her in a safe environment with you.

I know that you both agreed to no alcohol at all. But she was very young. She's going to want to experience things in life. So let her doing it with you, not away from you.

I'm not suggesting that you encourage her to drink all the time, get drunk all the time and/or become an alcoholic. I'm suggesting a one time thing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TAW082 said:


> She has only gone out with the main friend (which is a girl) only about 4 times in the past 4 months. This weekend will be the first time she has been out with the other girls.
> I know they are all girls because I use to work at the same place she does so I have some what known the girls for about 8 months though I actually have never spoken to any of them except the main one. *Before now she never even had one friend.*
> I know she would never cheat on me or lie to me which is why I know everything about what they are doing because we communicate alot to each other. I just am having a hard time with this one specific thing that she has chosen to do.
> I also know this isn't the last time she will change so I was wondering if anyone had coping skills with how to deal with change when you don't like the change.


Are you at all resentful that now she's making friends aside from you?

As far as the drinking goes, lots of teens take "pledges" to not drink, not have sex, etc. whatever when they are teens, because they are just kids, don't know how their views will evolve over the years, etc. (Or because they're trying to woo the man they will eventually marry).

I get why your stance on it has not changed based on your family, but it is personally not terrible to want to have a drink now and then if it can be controlled. Perhaps the two of you can come to a NEW agreement if she wants to try it....only when you're there to make sure she gets safely home and only a 2 drink limit?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TAW082 said:


> She has only gone out with the main friend (which is a girl) only about 4 times in the past 4 months. This weekend will be the first time she has been out with the other girls.
> 
> I know they are all girls because I use to work at the same place she does so I have some what known the girls for about 8 months though I actually have never spoken to any of them except the main one. Before now she never even had one friend.
> I know she would never cheat on me or lie to me which is why I know everything about what they are doing because we communicate alot to each other. I just am having a hard time with this one specific thing that she has chosen to do.
> I also know this isn't the last time she will change so I was wondering if anyone had coping skills with how to deal with change when you don't like the change.


Where do she and her friend go when they go out about once a month?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Also, maybe this will help a little? I'm a catastrophizer, so I get it 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...what-is-catastrophizing-cognitive-distortions


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## TAW082 (May 11, 2015)

She is new to the whole going out with friends thing so one time they went to a carnivel after her friend got off work while I stayed home because the kids were in bed. And she went with her friend to her college one day to be her lab partner for a EKG class her friend was taking. 
Like I said she is new so she hasn't really done anything like go to a place with alcohol and eat and drink or go to a friends house just to hang for a hour or two. Both of which she will be doing this weekend.
I don't know, maybe I think that its just because I don't know that side of her which is why I am scared of it. I don't know the person that has friends or goes out without me so I don't know what to expect and neither does she.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TAW082 said:


> She is new to the whole going out with friends thing so one time they went to a carnivel after her friend got off work while I stayed home because the kids were in bed. And she went with her friend to her college one day to be her lab partner for a EKG class her friend was taking.
> Like I said she is new so she hasn't really done anything like go to a place with alcohol and eat and drink or go to a friends house just to hang for a hour or two. Both of which she will be doing this weekend.
> I don't know, maybe I think that its just because I don't know that side of her which is why I am scared of it. I don't know the person that has friends or goes out without me so I don't know what to expect and neither does she.


She's going to want to keep doing stuff like this with girlfriends, and it is not abnormal. In fact, it is normal.

Do you have any male friends?

Are you two religious?


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## TAW082 (May 11, 2015)

Yes, infact after she went out with her friend the last time, she said that I need to start having guys night as well because she thought it might be good for me. Once I got married I stopped hanging out with all my friends. So last week my brother and our close friends got together and went to his house to play games and hang out for about 5 hours. I'm not a big going out to places type guy unless its with my wife and neither are my friends. We are happy just getting together and playing games at one of thier houses.

And yes we are both Christains.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TAW082 said:


> Yes, infact after she went out with her friend the last time, she said that I need to start having guys night as well because she thought it might be good for me. Once I got married I stopped hanging out with all my friends. So last week my brother and our close friends got together and went to his house to play games and hang out for about 5 hours. I'm not a big going out to places type guy unless its with my wife and neither are my friends. We are happy just getting together and playing games at one of thier houses.
> 
> *And yes we are both Christains.*


Does your church have a mens' group you could join? You could probably benefit from some older mentors.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Hmmm.. I think I would worry a little too. You both are so very young. I was COMPLETELY different at 21 than I am now at 33. It is not what she wants to do that would worry me, it is what this could lead to. Are the friends around the same age? If so, they are more likely to be single and kid free, and having your wife around a bunch of single women with alcohol and in the same place as random men COULD be bad, if these friends are toxic. I would keep a very watchful eye, establish some boundaries. It is more than okay to go out with friends, but I would be concerned at the age/immaturity and wanting to ''live''. Make sure you know where each other stand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Lila said:


> Hmmm, were you here a few months ago under the user ID TW456? His thread sounds a whole lot like this one. Even the title is similar.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...anging-i-dont-know-how-respond-need-help.html


Thanks for finding that. I knew I had read something very very similar to this story! (That's why I asked if they were religious)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You married too young. People's brains and personalities don't stop developing until around age 25. You married a child at 17. She's now growing up and coming into the person she is. And that person is NOT what you thought you were going to end up with. 

You can either accept who she is or divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TAW082 said:


> Yes, infact after she went out with her friend the last time, she said that I need to start having guys night as well because she thought it might be good for me. Once I got married I stopped hanging out with all my friends.


That's a big mistake. You should BOTH have friends outside your marriage. Expecting your wife to be your SOLE support system is mentally unhealthy and almost impossible to maintain in a healthy marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> Hmmm, were you here a few months ago under the user ID TW456? His thread sounds a whole lot like this one. Even the title is similar.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...anging-i-dont-know-how-respond-need-help.html


I was going to say that this sounded pretty identical to a post I had already viewed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TAW082 said:


> I just am having a hard time with this one specific thing that she has chosen to do.
> I also know this isn't the last time she will change so I was wondering if anyone had coping skills with *how to deal with change when you don't like the change*.


You detach and respect the other person to do what they choose to do. Here's the thing: NOBODY has the power to control what another person chooses to do. NOBODY. 

Okay, you and your wife are Christians. Where does it state in the bible that a person can't drink? Drunkenness is specifically addressed as being wrong. But drinking? Nope.

After all, the first miracle Jesus performed was turning water into high-quality wine at the wedding he attended in Cana. The household chief/headwaiter demanded to know why the finest wine was held back for last. After all, those attending the ceremony had been partying for three days. I imagine they were a bit tipsy. Jesus didn't seem to mind.

Your wife is very, very young. She wants to drink. Her life. Her choice. Whether you like it or not. She's going to try some things out.

I know Christians who imbibe. They don't get drunk, they don't hang out in bars. But there is nothing wrong with someone having a drink.

It sounds like you were around possible alcoholics in your family. That can make anyone cautious of what can happen. Perhaps your concern is your wife will go down the path to abusing alcohol. But that probably isn't the case. She just wants to have a drink.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This post is almost identical to one that appeared here months ago, as Lila and Conan have already pointed out.

Thus, I'm not buying the story for a second. After all, how does one's wife KEEP turning twenty-one, over and over?! And KEEP having the same alcohol dilemma over and over??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, duh, it's 21. It's the first time you're legally allowed to go get a drink. Maybe some of you forget what it's like to turn 21, but I've been watching DD24's friends all go through this, one after another. It's a BIG deal to most young people.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP why have you reposted this - as Lila found your older thread from Jan this year (by the way you misspelled Christians)?

Is no one else concerned about this or do you still plan to give him the same advice from earlier this year, anyway?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Lila said:


> Hmmm, were you here a few months ago under the user ID TW456? His thread sounds a whole lot like this one. Even the title is similar.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...anging-i-dont-know-how-respond-need-help.html


This forum does know about trolls, I assume..? :scratchhead:


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