# Did I handle this good or bad?



## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

I went to the bed room at 9PM to get ready for bed, been going to bed earlier trying to be considerate to the fact that my wife always says, she is tired.
I realized I forgot my cell in the living room, so called down the hall and asked my wife if she could bring it to me, I’m in my underwear and we have 2 kids and a daughters friend watching TV in the living room. I figured it was actually a good excuse to privately ask my wife if she was planning on joining me in bed tonight. My son brought me the phone, I told my son ‘I asked your mom to bring it to me, tell her I said that’.

My wife arrived a few minutes later and scolded me for giving my son a hard time for doing me a favor by retrieving the phone. I told her that I wanted her to bring it because I wanted to ask her if she was coming to bed with me tonight. My wife has developed somewhat of a schedule lately when performing her 2X a week duty Fu%K, Mondays and Tuesday, conveniently she forgot Monday this week. 

We lie in bed and pleasantly talk for about 35 minutes while watching the news.
I finally asked if she would give me hug (physical contact) She says “why do I always have to come to you”? (Did she want me to assume a dominate position and pound away?) I have a bad back and it’s easier for me to not be put in painful positions and she knows this. However, I am more the willing to have a few days of pain to make love to my wife. I move to her and begin kissing her neck, ears, lips, arms, barest, hands, stomach, when I moved to her legs she very coldly says “that is not turning me on” I stop and asked what does turn you on? She did not answer, so I got up and went to the bathroom. I came back to bed and lied on my side with my back to her (taste of her own medicine). The news ended at 10 so I turned off the TV. She says” hey I watching” I replied “most couples get rid of their bed room TVs because they are a distraction” She replies “from what”, I reply “from me”! While my back is still turned I say, “If you want to watch TV there are 5 others in the house. After 30 seconds she got up and left.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hm ...Why are you asking to hug your wife? You can't just hug her?

This sounds rather sad  Where's the passion? How long have you been married? How's your relationship otherwise?

I do agree about the bedroom TV. My husband and I won't have one. We have one TV in the house and it's in the living room.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> I move to her and begin kissing her neck, ears, lips, arms, barest, hands, stomach, when I moved to her legs she very coldly says “that is not turning me on” I stop and asked what does turn you on? She did not answer, so I got up and went to the bathroom.


What do you do during the day to turn your wife on or to meet the needs that she has? Many wives need to have "foreplay" throughout the day, and if you are not maintaining that kind of emotional connection, it can be very difficult for a woman to just turn on a dime and get in the mood, especially at the end of a long, busy day.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Enchantment is very right.

Sex starts in the kitchen...or garage...or living room...lol.

"Women have to feel close to have sex, men have sex to feel close." I don't think this is 100% true, but it's pretty good.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> I went to the bed room at 9PM to get ready for bed, been going to bed earlier trying to be considerate to the fact that my wife always says, she is tired.
> I realized I forgot my cell in the living room, so called down the hall and asked my wife if she could bring it to me, I’m in my underwear and we have 2 kids and a daughters friend watching TV in the living room. I figured it was actually a good excuse to privately ask my wife if she was planning on joining me in bed tonight. My son brought me the phone, I told my son ‘I asked your mom to bring it to me, tell her I said that’.
> 
> My wife arrived a few minutes later and scolded me for giving my son a hard time for doing me a favor by retrieving the phone. I told her that I wanted her to bring it because I wanted to ask her if she was coming to bed with me tonight. My wife has developed somewhat of a schedule lately when performing her 2X a week duty Fu%K, Mondays and Tuesday, conveniently she forgot Monday this week.
> ...


Dude, I'm a man, and I don't like your approach at all. I find your "summoning" of your wife, insulting, controlling, and unattractive to a woman.
You have scheduled sex days? Yuk. Your back hurts too much to hug her, but it's OK to screw her?

Come on man.... Loosen up on the woman. It sounds as if she's resenting your behavior, and you sound as if she's a prized piece of meat, at your beck and call.

I always have sex with the TV on. I couldn't care less if there was a marching band under my BR window. Let it happen, however it wants to happen.

Personally, I dont like the way you talk to your wife.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> What do you do during the day to turn your wife on or to meet the needs that she has? Many wives need to have "foreplay" throughout the day, and if you are not maintaining that kind of emotional connection, it can be very difficult for a woman to just turn on a dime and get in the mood, especially at the end of a long, busy day.


:iagree:

It definitely sounds like there is a lot more going on in the relationship than just sexual issues. You said it is her "duty" to have sex with you 2x a week? If sex is a duty, it is not going to be very fulfilling for either of you. I have a duty to take the trash out once a week. I don't enjoy it, but it is something that has to be done. Sex on the otherhand should be something that is enjoyed. Sex is something where both partners are giving of themselves to their partner. When there is only ever one giver and one receiver (and there is never any role reversal or mutual giving) sex becomes a duty and does not bring couples closer together.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

@ Enchantment

You have read and commented on most of my post and should know that the last thing on her mind is sexual attraction to me for so many resentful reasons. Most of my attempts at foreplay are rebuffed!
She is on vacation I spent the 3 hours that I was home after work doing house hold chores and packing for our upcoming family vacation.

@ That girl, see my other post our situation is not and has not been good for a long time.

@ Riverside, when I use the word Duty I am referring to her mentality not mine and yes it is not fulfilling at all and actually hurtful, but if not for her mentality to perform with me “ shut me up duty fu” we would not have sex at all ever!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

frustrated,
If your wife were on this sight, what would she be complaining about? How long have things been been bad in the relationship?


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> What do you do during the day to turn your wife on or to meet the needs that she has? Many wives need to have "foreplay" throughout the day, and if you are not maintaining that kind of emotional connection, it can be very difficult for a woman to just turn on a dime and get in the mood, especially at the end of a long, busy day.
> 
> [Foreplay? I sent her this text yesterday "If we can be loving and respectful of each others needs and desires for the rest of the week we can have a great vacation with out harboring resentment for something one of us said or did a few days earlier.]


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While we have sex with the TV on often, I would say that what works much better is TV off and perhaps candle light vs. the glow of the TV.

TV does cut into the quality and quantity of sex. In general it detracts.

A peripheral issue for this thread for sure.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> @ Enchantment
> 
> You have read and commented on most of my post and should know that the last thing on her mind is sexual attraction to me for so many resentful reasons. Most of my attempts at foreplay are rebuffed!
> She is on vacation I spent the 3 hours that I was home after work doing house hold chores and packing for our upcoming family vacation.


Yes, I am familiar with your situation. 

I guess the thing is, if your wife is not willing to work on your relationship, why would you expect her response to you to be any different?

If you want to get to the point where she may have sexual attraction for you and she has instead major resentments, then work on resolving the things that are causing her resentment. Don't add more things for her to resent on top of it. 

My comment was more based on looking at the way you are approaching her. You approach her as if you expect her sexual response is just like yours - like she should be ready to go with very little effort and that she should have desire like yours. Can you show her that you are there for her? Can you approach her in a different way? Can you approach her without any expectations of sex? Can you work on resolving the things that she has built up resentments on?

And, I don't know if you've ever addressed this in other posts, but are you and your wife willing to work with a marriage counselor to help you work through these issues? I think you have a long and complicated history with each other, and there are a lot of issues there.

Best of luck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

It isn't the t.v. that's the problem Ent. They both have a colored history of disrespect.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Yes, I am familiar with your situation.
> 
> I guess the thing is, if your wife is not willing to work on your relationship, why would you expect her response to you to be any different?
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> It isn't the t.v. that's the problem Ent. They both have a colored history of disrespect.


Yes indeed.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> frustrated,
> If your wife were on this sight, what would she be complaining about? How long have things been been bad in the relationship?


OK she responded to the list i sent via text.

From me
I want my wife to respect me as a Man
I want my wife to be in love with me
I want my wife to give me random kisses
I want my wife to give me hugs
I want my wife to physically touch me out side of the bedroom
I want my wife to desire me sexually 
I want my wife to playfully grope me outside of the bedroom
I want my wife to verbally desire me outside the bedroom
I want my wife to not be sexually inhibited, to be trusting and vulnerable in the bedroom
I want my wife to want to please/ pleasure her husband



From my wife
I want my husband to take care of me emotionally not just financially. 
I want my husband to respect me. I want my husband to think of his family first and not himself. 
I want my husband to care about my feelings weather I am happy or sad or upset. 
I want my husband to be my rock and know I will always feel safe and taken care of.
I want my husband to be loving and just want to hug me with out it always turning to a sexual thing.
I want my husband to be understanding of our feelings. 
I want my husband to be a good role module for his children. 
I want my husband to take care of himself and not drink everyday and consider trying to stop smoking.
I want to have fun and laugh with my husband. I want to be all those things to you too and I am trying but it has to go both ways.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

You need to read The 5 Languages of Love.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

frustated said:


> From my wife
> I want my husband to take care of me emotionally not just financially.
> I want my husband to respect me. I want my husband to think of his family first and not himself.
> I want my husband to care about my feelings weather I am happy or sad or upset.
> ...


I don't know your back story but looking at her list, this gives you lots to work with. These are all reasonable and seem to be coming from a good place - especially as she wrote "I want to be all those things to you too and I am trying but it has to go both ways." 

I agree with others so far about your first post in this thread. I'd hate to be summoned for sex that way. I'd hate to have scheduled days for sex. Or to be asked if I was going to give a hug. 

Now that you have her list, note the line about being loving and receiving hugs without it needing to lead to sex. I think given the situation you described of chatting together in bed with the tv on, that's a nice time to stroke her hair or give her a foot rub, or just give her a hug - without you asking her to do so. These loving and intimate moments should not be overlooked. It sounds as though both of you need to make some changes. How about YOU start and see what happens? Get out of your own head and really think about her and what she needs.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> OK she responded to the list i sent via text.
> 
> From me
> I want my wife to respect me as a Man
> ...


Good stuff. The fact that you got this reply is awesome.

Take a look at His Needs Her Needs. You will find these things you guys are looking for are very common. Men and Women have similar needs but woth differing priorities.

Also look into Married Man Sex Life


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

*Hey... I just fell in love with your wife!!!!*

There is NOTHING wrong with ANYTHING on her list.

I wish my wife had a list as emotionally binding as your wife's. She knows what she wants from you, and 99% of it, has more to do with "connecting" with her as a person, as opposed to looking at her as a piece of meat (see my first response).

I would tear your list up, and forget YOUR needs for a while.

I think you need to pay more attention to your wife's list, and THEN, your list will take care of itself.

Turn off the "ME" in your relationship, and focus on HER for a while.

I wish my wife wanted the attention your wife is asking for.

Start with something nice.
How about a pleasant, yet very brief conversation about her list?
Tell her that you didn't realize that you weren't fulfilling her emotional needs, and would like to start somewhere.
I light-hearted apology would soften the mood..... Something like, "hey, I'm really sorry I ws so insensitive about your needs". Sometimes we get too comfortable with ourselves. Nothing wrong with admitting that you could have done more for her. She would respect you more for that.

Doing something totally unlike you.....
Maybe a bouquet of flowers, and her favorite chocolate?
Give it to her, and DON"T EXPECT anything in return.
Just give it her, tell her that you really do love her, and then go about your business.

Let her have some time to take it all in. When you come back later, stay away from her. Don't smother her. 
Go read a book, or watch a movie., or go for a long walk.

Tomorrow, do nice for her. If she looks nice, tell her. DON'T expect sex because you complimented her!
Go to work, and don't call her. call her at day's end, and ask how her day was. Be a listener.

Just my .02 cents


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