# Wifes excessive texting to friend



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Wife has recently got back in touch with a girlfriend from school she hasnt seen for ages.

They've been getting on great. However, this friend texts her CONSTANTLY, like every 5 mins if she could ALL DAY EVERY DAY.

If we're out together in a restaurant or at the cinema, my wife texts her to tell her but she still texts. We came out of the cinema the other day and she had like 5 texts wating from her friend.

My friend works shifts and sometimes sleeps in the daytime. She texts her friend to tell her but when she wakes up a few hours later theres 5 texts asking her if shes awake yet!

Her friend is married but doesnt go out much but even if she goes out she still texts my wife all night long. If my wife goes out with other friends, she tries to hint to her friend but she still gets texts all night long.

My wife has admitted she gets irritated by it sometimes, and does sometimes leave it a while before texting back. (If she texted immediately her friend replies in minutes). She feels its a but rude to just ignore her though and thinks its just harmless.

Personally, I find it really irritating. Shes not so bad when we're out but at home I find I cant just turn around and talk because shes texting all the time. Not just once or twice ALL DAY EVERY DAY !!!!!

Thing is though I've met her and her husband and they're nice enough people. Her husband is a really chilled out fella but last night her friend texted my wife to say her husband was getting irritated with her texting. Not surprising.

I'm just a bit worried also that this friend is a bit unstable. Surely its not right to focus your attention on one friend all day every day.

But then I'm a guy, and sometimes dont speak or see some friends for weeks on end.

Is this normal woman behaviour or weird?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Forgot to add before anyone mentions it. Yes - I'm 100% sure it is her girlfriend shes texting and not some guy....


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm no typical woman because I detest the phone and texting even more. Sure they have their purpose and I use both means of communication but this sounds annoying to me. 

However I've got a few chatty kathy's as friends. They've got their blackberry in their hands at all times. Their phones never stops ringing, beeping, texts, you name it. Their husbands however hate it! One knows it so she makes an effort to turn it off when he's home but the others seem clueless.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

LOL. Looks like I'm not the only one then.

It freaks me out a bit though. Its one friend and it seems her whole life revolves around texting my wife. No-one else apparently, just her. 

I find it really rude that she texts all the time even if my wife says shes out or something. Its as if nothing will get in the way of her texting my wife.

Like I said, apparently last night her husband got irritated by it. Well this is the first time she admitted it anyway.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I don't think there is anything to be freaked out over. I think this woman just has too much time on her hands or is unhappy who knows. My SIL texts my husband ALL THE TIME but he just quits answering her. Many women just love to text and will do it all day long if others allow it to continue (takes 2 to text). The chatty kathy in my life knows I'm not going to sit here and text all day. When I'm done I just stop replying. Problem solved. I think she'd text me all day too if I allowed her to. I have about a 5 text per day/per person limit. Exceed that and I cut you off. They never leave though. They just start over the next day. LOL!!

Here's a funny for you. At a Christmas party the couples played a G rated version of the newlywed game. The question to the FIVE men was "what's the one thing you wish your wife would get rid of?". TWO men said blackberry. LOL!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I think your wife's friend is being rude.

But, I also think your wife is being rude (to you) by indulging her.

Time spent with her should be your time together - with minimal distractions.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I agree with Conrad. Your wife needs to respect your time together.
Mr.G is very introverted, whereas I am a social butterfly. I make sure that I set aside time each day for us, no Blackberry or Facebook allowed. 
Sometimes my husband will say, "Put your phone away!" I'm addicted to this gadget!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

magnoliagal said:


> I don't think there is anything to be freaked out over. I think this woman just has too much time on her hands or is unhappy who knows. My SIL texts my husband ALL THE TIME but he just quits answering her. Many women just love to text and will do it all day long if others allow it to continue (takes 2 to text). The chatty kathy in my life knows I'm not going to sit here and text all day. When I'm done I just stop replying. Problem solved. I think she'd text me all day too if I allowed her to. I have about a 5 text per day/per person limit. Exceed that and I cut you off. They never leave though. They just start over the next day. LOL!!
> 
> Here's a funny for you. At a Christmas party the couples played a G rated version of the newlywed game. The question to the FIVE men was "what's the one thing you wish your wife would get rid of?". TWO men said blackberry. LOL!


Definitely too much time on her hands. No kids. Works part time.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

magnoliagal said:


> I don't think there is anything to be freaked out over. I think this woman just has too much time on her hands or is unhappy who knows. My SIL texts my husband ALL THE TIME but he just quits answering her. Many women just love to text and will do it all day long if others allow it to continue (takes 2 to text). The chatty kathy in my life knows I'm not going to sit here and text all day. When I'm done I just stop replying. Problem solved. I think she'd text me all day too if I allowed her to. I have about a 5 text per day/per person limit. Exceed that and I cut you off. They never leave though. They just start over the next day. LOL!!
> 
> Here's a funny for you. At a Christmas party the couples played a G rated version of the newlywed game. The question to the FIVE men was "what's the one thing you wish your wife would get rid of?". TWO men said blackberry. LOL!


Yeh. Thing is with my wife though even if she is bored with the text conversation she hates not replying because she thinks its rude.

Persoanlly I think your approach is better !!! LOL


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> I agree with Conrad. Your wife needs to respect your time together.
> Mr.G is very introverted, whereas I am a social butterfly. I make sure that I set aside time each day for us, no Blackberry or Facebook allowed.
> Sometimes my husband will say, "Put your phone away!" I'm addicted to this gadget!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her answer is we're only at home watching TV and I can do two things at once why does it bother you?

But, yeh, I'm beginning to resent her friend because I think shes rude. By texting someone constantly you're demanding their attention and she does it even though she knows my wife is otherwise involved.

Tomorrow afternoon is going out for lunch with friends from work. I expect shes told her friend this. However, her friend doesnt work mondays so will be at home bored, but you can guarantee she will deluge my wife with texts all afternoon talking rubbish even though she knows shes out with other people. 

Like I said, if wife doesnt answer within 10 mins, she sends another and another and another. I can guarantee wife will find this irritating tomorrow but she will still reply to her....


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

psychocandy said:


> Yeh. Thing is with my wife though even if she is bored with the text conversation she hates not replying because she thinks its rude.
> 
> Persoanlly I think your approach is better !!! LOL


My husband used to think it was rude too (he was getting sick of his sister's texts but kept it going) but we chatted about it and I said "you know you really aren't obligated to sit here all night doing something you don't want to do." I taught him some nice ways of weaning off. Things like responding with one word (or less answers). Keep texting back things like "k" or "lol" or something equally as boring and most people quit. If you want to end it sooner simply say so "busy now I'll chat with you tomorrow" and then just stop.

Your wife is making excuses when she says you guys are just watching tv. It's rude of her to do that. I'm not a big fan of multitasking when my husband is home. I won't say fold laundry while watching tv.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First and foremost, work on your boundaries--if your wife is getting texts and they are not interfering with what YOU are doing (watching TV), then it is not your issue/problem. It is different if you are talking together, going to a movie, actually doing something together. Sounds like you want your wife's undivided attention while watching TV--which is rather selfish, honestly, b/c if you are watching TV, you are not giving her YOUR undivided attention. Figure out why this bothers you so much and address your issues because this is much more important than worrying about your wife's friend.

You may not see it, but the fact that you are on here writing about this suggests it is YOUR issue, not wife's. If she does not want to text friend constantly, she won't--it's that simple. Clearly wife does NOT--you already said she doesn't. I'd be irritated with a friend who texts me 5 times to ask if I'm awake yet--but your wife is NOT, or she'd do something about it.

I have a very good friend who texts too much for my taste--and does it when we are having dinner together, for example, or takes phone calls from others when we are eating together, etc. I think it is inappropriate, but I love my friend and I take it as part of "her." I turn off my phone and don't answer when I'm having a meal with someone else, or otherwise engaged. 

BUT, younger people (younger than me) have some different expectations--I'm in my 50s. Some people enjoy the constant connectedmess, others don't. Your wife gets to choose who she is, and unless the texting directly interferes with your time together, let it go. Sounds like your wife has set boundaries with her friend--not answering at movies, etc., so how is this your problem?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> First and foremost, work on your boundaries--if your wife is getting texts and they are not interfering with what YOU are doing (watching TV), then it is not your issue/problem. It is different if you are talking together, going to a movie, actually doing something together. Sounds like you want your wife's undivided attention while watching TV--which is rather selfish, honestly, b/c if you are watching TV, you are not giving her YOUR undivided attention. Figure out why this bothers you so much and address your issues because this is much more important than worrying about your wife's friend.
> 
> You may not see it, but the fact that you are on here writing about this suggests it is YOUR issue, not wife's. If she does not want to text friend constantly, she won't--it's that simple. Clearly wife does NOT--you already said she doesn't. I'd be irritated with a friend who texts me 5 times to ask if I'm awake yet--but your wife is NOT, or she'd do something about it.
> 
> ...


Sisters,

Thanks for your take on this. I think you have a point maybe.

But, watching TV together although not an undivided attention activity is still spending time together isnt it? 

Admitedly, not as bad as if we're out in a restaurant etc.

However, it still concerns me that out of the 4 people involved here. i.e. wife, me, her husband, her the only one that isnt irritated by it at least some of the time is her !!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I discovered that Vonage unlimited isn't. If you exceed 5000 minutes a month they warn you. If you do it 3 months in a row they want to move you to s business plan. My exceeded 5000 seven times. She averages in the 4600 range and fills in the difference with 1500 minutes per month on her cell phone. Please don't suggest options I have tried all of them. The only point to this is rude doesn't describe it. Being absolutely indifferent to anyone else is what it is about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

psychocandy said:


> But, watching TV together although not an undivided attention activity is still spending time together isnt it?


In my house watching tv with my husband IS spending time together. It's our alone time after the kids go to bed. We cuddle, I give him massages, we talk, etc.

No offense to the other poster but to me I don't get the feeling that you are selfish. I say that because I've heard too many men complain about the same thing. For example sometimes I don't sit with my husband when he's watching tv. Sometimes I read or go into the other room to watch something else. Sometimes yes I text. The point is it isn't constant or a daily thing. What your wife is doing is rude and annoying. It's too much but obviously at the moment I will agree it's your problem because she doesn't see it as one...yet. That may change if this continues. I get the feeling she isn't thrilled with it either it just may take her longer to get annoyed than you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like her friend is super co-dependent. And a clinger.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would rather she text with the ringer off than chatter endlessly on the phone while other people are trying to watch a movie, or eat dinner or anything.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> Sisters,
> 
> Thanks for your take on this. I think you have a point maybe.
> 
> ...


Yes this is not as bad as if your out but still this is irritating..my wife does this and i hate it. we are House and SVU addicts every week we drop what were doing and instead of watching tv in our recliners we cuddle on the couch or in the bed and watch the new episode of House or Law and order SVU and I hate it when in the middle of that cuddle TV time she gets a text from someone...What you doing...she will normally respond with watching TV with H, and the hail of text starts to rain down...before the end of the show im being asked what happened i missed something, i have been a smart ass and told her well you shouldnt been texting but that only gets me on the couch alone.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It's not the OP's wife doing it--it is her friend, and the wife seems to have set limits she can tolerate.

If OP doesn't want his wife to text while watching TV, that's a different issue. He is irritated b/c someone is texting her. 

If TV time IS talk/cuddle time, then of course texting is rude. But if it is just sitting by someone, watching whatever (and clearly not having a big interest in it, or one would put aside the phone), then he may have unrealistic expectations that his wife owes him undivided attention when he's doing something he wants. I'm have not said that is what he is doing--because he hasn't said his wife's texting is the problem. If it is the problem, then he needs to discuss with wife his expectations and hers. But why is he complaining about his wife's friend's behavior? That is the point I'm trying to make.

Yep, I'd find it rude if someone constantly bugged ME with texts, but I'd set limits (and I have done this; my texting friend doesn't bother texting me 'cause she knows I won't reply! I'll call when I have time, depending on if there is an actual need for a conversation). 

OP's wife can and does turn off/leave the phone when she doesn't want to be bothered. Why is this his issue, then? Just trying to get OP to look at it that way.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Its all getting a bit freaky now. Even wife is getting wassed off with friends constant texting.

If her friend is out with family/friends she still texts my wife. If my wife is out with me / other friends she tries to tell her friend but she still texts here. We came out of the cinema the other day and there were 5 texts waiting all saying - are you out yet?

Her friend has even taken to badgering her every day to go down for coffee. My wife has had to lie to her otherwise she'd expect her every day. Luckily friend cant drive otherwise I think she;d turn up on the door.

Today it gets worse. Wife has been busy today with customers. Her friend facebooked her AND ME to say that she was worried about her because she hadnt text for 2 HOURS !!!!

OMG. Freaky or what?

I'm just a bit concerned now that this friend is getting a little obsessed with my wife. I know its natural to have friends but her friends seems to want to be in contact with her all day every day. 

Any comments?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

akasephiroth said:


> Yes this is not as bad as if your out but still this is irritating..my wife does this and i hate it. we are House and SVU addicts every week we drop what were doing and instead of watching tv in our recliners we cuddle on the couch or in the bed and watch the new episode of House or Law and order SVU and I hate it when in the middle of that cuddle TV time she gets a text from someone...What you doing...she will normally respond with watching TV with H, and the hail of text starts to rain down...before the end of the show im being asked what happened i missed something, i have been a smart ass and told her well you shouldnt been texting but that only gets me on the couch alone.


Exactly like me.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Cell phone etiquette is seriously lacking in our world today. If your wife's friend does not understand or abide by healthy boundaries regarding cell phones then it is your wife's job to set those boundaries. I know people who text like this. My wife and I go through texting "flurries" where we text a great deal, but this is temporary. Your wife will have to turn her phone to vibrate when she is unavailable (when she is having family time, etc.) if there is to be any relief at all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you invite her and her husband over for dinner, and then discuss it?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> Its all getting a bit freaky now. Even wife is getting wassed off with friends constant texting.
> 
> If her friend is out with family/friends she still texts my wife. If my wife is out with me / other friends she tries to tell her friend but she still texts here. We came out of the cinema the other day and there were 5 texts waiting all saying - are you out yet?
> 
> ...


The difficulty we have imho is that there is no throttling factor in place. Absent any opposing force, the behavior escalates until it consumes all available time because it is very easy to do and it provides almost instant gratification. Way better than cigarettes, no cancer, no cough, no smell, no charge, no end.

Turn off the ringer for text reception. Let all the messages queue up and then delete them all in bulk without reading them at the end of the day. New technology requires new etiquette. Everyone understands being ignored. She'll get the message


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Yeh, thing is I am seriously wondering if her friend has 'issues'.

Surely its not healthy to spend so much time focused on one person. I mean even if your married to that person you spend some time apart from them with friends etc.

Surely this friend must know its weird to worry if someone hasnt text them for 2 hours? Or that its a bit rude to expect the other person to enter into a meaningless text conversation if they're out in a restaurant with their partner?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> Yeh, thing is I am seriously wondering if her friend has 'issues'.
> 
> Surely its not healthy to spend so much time focused on one person. I mean even if your married to that person you spend some time apart from them with friends etc.
> 
> Surely this friend must know its weird to worry if someone hasnt text them for 2 hours? Or that its a bit rude to expect the other person to enter into a meaningless text conversation if they're out in a restaurant with their partner?


Probably not. I think you are giving her friend too much credit. Many people have a blind spot regarding how much they disturb someone else, especially if that person is not really that close to them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why is no one addressing the REAL issue here? 

Why are you not taking your own WIFE to task for PARTICIPATING in it?


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## markster (Nov 20, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> The difficulty we have imho is that there is no throttling factor in place. Absent any opposing force, the behavior escalates until it consumes all available time because it is very easy to do and it provides almost instant gratification. Way better than cigarettes, no cancer, no cough, no smell, no charge, no end.
> 
> Turn off the ringer for text reception. Let all the messages queue up and then delete them all in bulk without reading them at the end of the day. New technology requires new etiquette. Everyone understands being ignored. She'll get the message


Excellent point Ten_year_hubby. This is the issue with my wife and her girlfriend. Wife works all day with friend. Wife comes home and we are sitting talking about our days "decompressing" and we're not 2 minutes into the conversation and ding goes her phone. Now wife has shifted focus from our conversation over to conversation with g/f. We will be watching TV together (or insert any other activity here) either before during or after dinner and ding it goes again multiple times, in a constant back & forth between friend and wife. This can and sometimes does go on for hours. 

It ebbs and flows, some days it is occasional (when friend is busy with something else) but otherwise it is multiple times daily starting at 6:15am ... probably 5 or 6 back and forths before she leaves the house and starting almost as soon as she gets home with another 10 or 15 back and forths, minimum.

I discussed this with her awhile ago and it slowed down. Now it is back to full tilt again. Time for another conversation where I will be the "controlling" bad guy.

I don't agree that it is hubby's problem to sort out. If wife truly doesn't like the intrusions, she should be proactive and either not respond, tell person she is busy and she'll "talk to her tomorrow" or some such tactic to let the friend know that she's busy with her home life and will be while she is home.

How can a couple become closer or avoid drifting further apart without a peaceful home life? If a spouse prefers to incessantly text a friend than to have quality communication with their spouse then clearly priorities are askew IMO

Oh, and setting boundaries with friends as to your limits with communication.

Mark


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

psychocandy said:


> Its all getting a bit freaky now. Even wife is getting wassed off with friends constant texting.
> 
> If her friend is out with family/friends she still texts my wife. If my wife is out with me / other friends she tries to tell her friend but she still texts here. We came out of the cinema the other day and there were 5 texts waiting all saying - are you out yet?
> 
> ...


 Yeah, I have a comment. If she's get irritated by all the texts while you busy together like going out for breakfast or to the movies or just sitting on the couch watching TV, the big question is this.

On all phones from the cheapskate special to the most expensive, there's a button to SHUT THE PHONE OFF. Maybe that's what she needs to do and when she gets three dozen calls from her friend asking why she's no getting a reply, It's up to your wife to let her know that when she's spending quality time with you, then that's what it is, quality time and she should make her friend understand that.

Hell even her own husband is sick of it, maybe you should tell your wife that your sick of it too. Turn the damn thing off. The friend should get the hint.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I have friends who may text more often if going through something or organizing and then times when not so much.

I have no problem with not replying right away or not checking all the time. In fact I have all tones OFF so I don't even hear if I get a text.

You, nor your wife can hold the friend responsible - it's up to your WIFE to set these boundaries. And, after receiving several messages in a row wondering why your wife hasn't replied, why can't she simply say "I was busy - no need to repeatedly text. I'll reply when I get a chance" and if they friend doesn't get it, it really doesn't matter. Your wife is the one who can choose not to constantly check and/or reply. 

I'd speak more with your wife on the matter and explain you have no issues with the friendship but it's starting to impact your time as a married couple Maybe your wife can even lead the charge with her friend by suggesting they both try 'phone free' times with respective spouses? That way she can lead by example and help her friend improve her marriage, too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And, after receiving several messages in a row wondering why your wife hasn't replied, why can't she simply say "I was busy - no need to repeatedly text. I'll reply when I get a chance" and if they friend doesn't get it, it really doesn't matter.


This ^^

I hate texting..it's fine for "be there in 5 mins" or "on my way" but that's IT. Back and forth texting convo's drive me crazy!! Gah!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Conrad said:


> I think your wife's friend is being rude.
> 
> But, I also think your wife is being rude (to you) by indulging her.
> 
> Time spent with her should be your time together - with minimal distractions.


:iagree:

The ONLY post you need to read, but then you need to act.

Not the whole "me or the cell phone", but to let her know that YOU need some of the attention her GF is getting.

You should get an idea of how it will go after that, but FIRST is communicating - both good and bad!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

turnera said:


> Why is no one addressing the REAL issue here?
> 
> Why are you not taking your own WIFE to task for PARTICIPATING in it?


As usual, turnera - BANG on....


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