# Do any of you ever think in terms of forgiving yourself?



## NextTimeAround

Sometimes I wonder if the anger that I still carry around is due to being unable to forgive myself.

I think about different points in my relationship with my fiance and wonder what our relationship might look like now if I had been more assertive. 

For example, when he had asked me if I didn't mind if "he went out with other women but just as friends" that I should have called a spade a spade and tell him that he wanted to continue shopping around, that was his choice.

Or when he continued to insist that she was "just a friend" that I should have moved on right then and there.

Or when after knowing that she was much younger than I , to realise that his age related jabs were inspired by her and call him on it.

and so on......

Do some of you BPs feel that you were trying too hard to look like a "balanced" person who was not overly sensitive
and demanding.

Or any other negative terms that onlookers throw around in situations like these......


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## Jung_admirer

At the very heart of your anger is the fact that you chose a partner that disrespected you. There is anger, more correctly, self-loathing that asks the question: Why did I make this choice that hurt me? I think people generally go to IC to understand the answer to this question. In searching for the answer, they find the grace to forgive themselves.


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## FormerVictim

NextTimeAround said:


> Sometimes I wonder if the anger that I still carry around is due to being unable to forgive myself.
> 
> I think about different points in my relationship with my fiance and wonder what our relationship might look like now if I had been more assertive.
> 
> For example, when he had asked me if I didn't mind if "he went out with other women but just as friends" that I should have called a spade a spade and tell him that he wanted to continue shopping around, that was his choice.
> 
> Or when he continued to insist that she was "just a friend" that I should have moved on right then and there.
> 
> Or when after knowing that she was much younger than I , to realise that his age related jabs were inspired by her and call him on it.
> 
> and so on......
> 
> Do some of you BPs feel that you were trying too hard to look like a "balanced" person who was not overly sensitive
> and demanding.
> 
> Or any other negative terms that onlookers throw around in situations like these......


If you're not ok with something, standing up for yourself is the only rational course of action.


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## cdbaker

I think it's certainly important to forgive yourself for having made a mistake, but it's also important to not blame yourself. You didn't cause this pain, his betrayal did. If you have regrets over being "too trusting," then yes, it is time to forgive yourself.


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## SecondTime'Round

cdbaker said:


> I think it's certainly important to forgive yourself for having made a mistake, but it's also important to not blame yourself. You didn't cause this pain, his betrayal did. If you have regrets over being "too trusting," then yes, it is time to forgive yourself.


I agree....I'm not sure your issue is so much forgiving yourself, but releasing yourself of blame. When you say "forgiving myself," you're obviously still blaming yourself and think you're in need of forgiveness. In the situations you've described, it is much more about not blaming yourself. You are not the one in need of forgiveness. People don't need forgiveness for being too trusting and believing of other people. They need compassion. 

I think the question you need to ask is, "Do any of you ever think in terms of loving yourself?"

You're worthy of it.


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## Slipping

NextTimeAround said:


> Sometimes I wonder if the anger that I still carry around is due to being unable to forgive myself.
> 
> I think about different points in my relationship with my fiance and wonder what our relationship might look like now if I had been more assertive.
> 
> For example, when he had asked me if I didn't mind if "he went out with other women but just as friends" that I should have called a spade a spade and tell him that he wanted to continue shopping around, that was his choice.
> 
> Or when he continued to insist that she was "just a friend" that I should have moved on right then and there.
> 
> Or when after knowing that she was much younger than I , to realise that his age related jabs were inspired by her and call him on it.
> 
> and so on......
> 
> Do some of you BPs feel that you were trying too hard to look like a "balanced" person who was not overly sensitive
> and demanding.
> 
> Or any other negative terms that onlookers throw around in situations like these......


I relate to this all too well. And it bit me in the ass for 8 years. Counseling and thinking of myself is helping..if you haven't started either of those...it feels great go for it.


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