# This blows!



## the enemy of fun (May 1, 2013)

Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the same time 'inadequate' posting on TAM since there's just tons of good and honest advise... Seems all the regulars are so emotionally evolved so I feel kinda silly writing this.

I don't really know what advise I need. I am in a sexless marriage and haven't had sex in almost 2.5 years. Nothing. No anything-sexual contact. I can't remember the last time we french kissed even. Before it got this bad, when we were trying to have a baby, the sex was clinical. After we stopped trying, hello dry spell.

We've been together almost 10 years, married for half that. I would consider myself very sexual. Bisexual actually since I was in my teens but much more into guys. I guess I'm just open, as long as I care for the person. Prior to meeting my husband, I had amazing sex in my early 20s but didn't really enjoy it much before that. Had to get over my hang-ups (guilt/religion-related, fear of unwanted pregnancy, etc.). The last 3 lovers I had before I met my now hubby kept getting better and better... Maybe it was the intense sexual chemistry but it was almost like the physical stuff killed any chance of having real intimacy, meaning we couldn't fall in love. I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry. 

When I hit my mid-20s, I realized how much I desperately wanted to be held. I grew tired of being cool, being the fun girl and was ready to just make love, feel loved. Then I meet my husband. He was different from the rest of the guys I've been with. I didn't want to mess it up by jumping into bed straight away like with my exes, so I waited. I should've known from our first real kiss that something was off. The first time we slept together was awkward. But hey, you work at it and with practice, it's suppose to fit, right? It never did. We fell in love despite this. I kept trying to seduce him for months, trying to force our sex lives to fall into place, how I liked it. He was just very vanilla and I think I'm only his 2nd lover eventhough he was pushing 30 when we met. Frankly, I needed more kink.

We lived together first before we got married but the sex never improved. I never really attempted to have an honest discussion with him about it, cuz I was chickensh^t. The only time I remember saying anything was when we were doing it and I tried to talk dirty to him. He immediately stopped, pulled me close and said he doesn't want me talking like that -- because he loved me too much and wanted me to be his wife. (Ugh!) At that exact moment, I gave up. I accepted that I will never have the kind of sex I need. 

I spoke to a couple of my girlfriends about it, the ones who knew every gory detail of my sexual past, and all they could tell me was that only a man who really loves me would put up with my 'lack of interest'. And if he hadn't dumped me already then that means he accepts that this is how we are in the bedroom. We got married. Other than this pink elephant in the room, things were good. We were solid. I ignore my urges and he probably does to. I know it sounds so selfish but I'd rather have no sex than lifeless sex which equals to a sexless marriage.

Now my marriage has hit a rough patch (separate from our nonexistent sex life) and all this looking-within is making me think how I am too young to be in this kind of sexual rut. I mean I have ex lovers from over 10+ years ago who still would send me friendly emails, fishing if I were back in the States. I already know what that's about. I feel so horrible and unhappy. I haven't acted on it but I constantly think about sex. I am so stressed, not just about real life but to add that I have no release, quit smoking, relocated overseas with no family/friends... It's eating me inside-out. I know he probably would love to get laid but he hasn't really pushed. There goes my fantasy of being kinda manhandled... Sigh. I'm getting my fix by going solo -- no porn, no toys cuz I'm scared it's gonna make me more sex-crazed.

Sorry this is so long. I don't even know what kind of advise I need. But writing this is the first time I'm actually admitting to myself that I miss this big part of me. I sometimes dream of ending this, and try my luck finding the right person who will make me happy. If by end of the year and things stay the same, I will reassess and just give up entirely. While we're still in our 30s and no kids. I don't know if there are other married couples on here who are totally 'wrong for each other' in the bedroom, likes totally different pleasures, and can still make it work. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to shake this.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

From the sounds of things, you are an ideal woman.

Being HD, like myself, is fantastic but a real pain when married to a LD spouse.

You aren't the problem, your LD hubby is because he's supposed to take care of you and your sexual needs. He can go to the Dr and get test shots and hit the gym. Both will increase his libido big time.

Have a serious talk with him about your sex less marriage and how sexually starved to death you are and if things don't change, you will be filling for divorce. So many men out there that are HD and even open to bi-sexual women, you'd have another guy in no time flat. Your hubby should clue in and stop being such a dumb ass. Do you know how many guys would love to have a women like you? MANY!!

In the meantime, relieve yourself, toys, oils, etc. so you don't go crazy out of your skull.

Man, I love french kissing but my wifee hates saliva and tongue, only dry kisses.

You need a man that takes you, takes charge, does all your sexual fantasies, period. Life is to short to wait for this guy, unless you want to that is.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to talk with him about your desire for sex wth him.

If he has no sex drive, see if he would get hs Testosterone levels checked by his doctor,

As for you getting email from ex lovers, I gotta say that's not ok to even be in contact with those people. You are a married person and you shouldn't be maintaining contact in any way with EXs.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

This sounds so sad . No one should suffer in silence like this in their marriage. I think turning toward your partner instead of away is key. Communicate everything to him. Tell him all about your needs and desires and ask him what he thinks and if he has any of those needs and desires. 

I know all men are different but for a guy to be this way is quite odd. Where is he getting his sex from? Does he see sex itself as dirty or just the kind of sex you need? If he's sexually repressed then maybe you could work on it but if this is the way it is then I'd be leaving. Sex is just way to important.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You need to talk with him about your desire for sex wth him.
> 
> If he has no sex drive, see if he would get hs Testosterone levels checked by his doctor,
> 
> As for you getting email from ex lovers, I gotta say that's not ok to even be in contact with those people. You are a married person and you shouldn't be maintaining contact in any way with EXs.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Shaggy nails it again, Fred and Velma have nothing on him


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> From the sounds of things, you are an ideal women.
> 
> Being HD, like myself is fantastic but a real pain when married to a LD spouse, like myself.
> 
> ...


Explain your entire sexual picture, including the kissing part...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My read is you're simply not compatible. There's something going on with him that he can go that long without having sex with you. 

You need to evaluate the merits of this relationship. Even should you be able to motivate him to be more sexual it's going to take a long time, a lot of effort and a ton of patience. I suppose it comes down to his reason for being asexual and whether or not that can be fixed.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I say move on. Sorry honey. This will never get better.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I was in a 6 year sexless marriage with someone I was otherwise totally compatible, but eventually the lack of sex started to impact on me badly. After seeking professional help and doing everything in my power to 'fix' things, I realized that it would be better to divorce.


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## the enemy of fun (May 1, 2013)

Thank you for all your replies. I was worried I was gonna get attacked by the guys in sexless marriages... That I'm holding out and not doing my part. LoL

I really wish I'm the kind of girl who can start this type of serious conversation or at least get the sex ball rolling but (I'm getting teary eyed just typing this much), I am the submissive type. I cannot initiate. Blame catholic-girl syndrome or because I just want for the guy to be the guy. I cannot get turned on if I start. And that's the thing, he wouldn't start it either. I mean if he would just say "Ok, I've had enough!" and just grab/pull me to the bedroom, man, he wouldn't know what hit him.

He watches soft-core porn. The simulated kind. Or he would watch erotic foreign movies. Even when we first started dating, I asked him why not the real goods. And he just said this is what he had access to when he was a kid so it kinda stuck. We have separate laptops and his don't have any porn content. I don't know if he's scared that I would find it or whatever.

As for the emails from past lovers, they weren't dirty. Just your generic, 'thought about you so I'm saying hello' type. But the common denominator is that they were from the ones I had killer sex with. I've thought about them too, like any person reminiscing the good ole' days. 

I don't know if my hubby thinks this is bait and switch. I wish I can be blatant about my sexuality but it's really just not my style. When we were first dating, whenever I would spend the night, I would put the alarm clock early so I can give him morning hummers. None for me. Just for him. You would think this would make a guy realize that "This girl wants me (it!!)". Or when I casually mentioned my first kisses were with girls. He just looked at me and asked if I had sex with them. I didn't so I said no (I was in highschool then and the physical stuff happened in college). He just concluded "Then you're not bisexual." End of conversation. No curious prodding. No pervy comments. 

I know I should man up and talk to him. But that would kill it. If he touches me after me initiating the conversation, all I would think in my head is because I said something. Not because he wants me. Not because he wants it. It's because I opened my big mouth. I can't get hot for that. He knows I'm no prude. 

This is just all so sad.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well you've painted yourself into a corner, then. You know that though so, not much anyone else can say.

I will tell you though that having honest and open communication about sex is what is best in ANY marriage, and if you can't do it, you aren't likely to find what you want in another relationship either.

You have convinced yourself that you simply cannot be hot for sex if you have to talk about it. One day you will likely find out that was never true...but until then, while you believe it, it will be true for you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well you've painted yourself into a corner, then. You know that though so, not much anyone else can say.
> 
> I will tell you though that having honest and open communication about sex is what is best in ANY marriage, and if you can't do it, you aren't likely to find what you want in another relationship either.
> 
> You have convinced yourself that you simply cannot be hot for sex if you have to talk about it. One day you will likely find out that was never true...but until then, while you believe it, it will be true for you.


:iagree::iagree:

You HAVE to be able to communicate even if you're completely compatible. Maybe he doesn't know it is ok to take you ... might seem ridiculous to you but how the heck do you know if you can't communicate with him. Seems to be a better alternative than giving up based on assumptions you don't know to be true.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree with that, JustSome...but I still think she should just give up, on this marriage...because her husband isn't very sexual.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I aslo think you're better off calling it quits, you're young and have no kids, life is short.



the enemy of fun said:


> I know I should man up and talk to him. But that would kill it. If he touches me after me initiating the conversation, all I would think in my head is because I said something. Not because he wants me. Not because he wants it. It's because I opened my big mouth. I can't get hot for that. He knows I'm no prude.
> 
> This is just all so sad.


For now, that is really tough as you're the one who wants it more. What about is you got sexy board game? Or got a sex position book and left it out or openly read it?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> I aslo think you're better off calling it quits, you're young and have no kids, life is short.
> 
> 
> For now, that is really tough as you're the one who wants it more. What about is you got sexy board game? Or got a sex position book and left it out or openly read it?


If communication doesn't work, sometimes the only thing we can do is walk away.

I remember dressing up to the nines one night and wafting through into the sitting room... Perfect make-up, glossy hair flowing down my back and strappy high heels. The only things missing were my clothes. Response? "Darling! You going to catch cold. Let me fetch your gown!":scratchhead:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I agree with that, JustSome...but I still think she should just give up, on this marriage...because her husband isn't very sexual.


While I agree that the most likely outcome is them splitting, I think she owes him that talk.

If nothing else, it is practice for her next lover. She needs to be honest about this subject and be able to express what she needs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Religion is really nice, until it tries to get into bed with you...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex and be honest about what you like and want, you're never going to have a happy, long-term sexual relationship.

You're in you're early 30s. You're not a kid. Time to start acting like a woman, not a girl.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

As difficult as this may be to believe, you actually _can_ talk about sex with your husband, or any man you're with in the future, and _still_ be turned on. I was utterly naive and and ignorant about most things sexual when I met my husband. We had to talk about absolutely everything, right down to teaching me how to give a BJ. My husband and I were both still incredibly turned on, even with the awkwardness of walking step through step of how to please him. 

Talking about sex won't take away the heat, steamy feelings just because you talked.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are here.. I have a question.

Do you consider yourself submissive or dominant?
It sounds like your husband is submissive.

Non-married sex is about just being animal. Some men, when married, look at their wives differently. She is on a pedastal. She is not the person they want to have raunchy sex with. That's reserved for less worthy women. (my H has this mind issue). You really don't know what he thinks, he's going to hide his "dark" side from you in fear that will think he is a pervert.

It can be changed. With a level of comfort. You can learn to initiate, but start by just being more affectionate. Nothing overly sexual. The point is to teach him how to read you. That you are open to what he may be thinking. Things like giving each other massages, taking showers together and washing each other. Takes time. 

I will admit I think similar things about my H. He's too vanilla, I'm too dark side. But the truth is... He just has to be really comfortable with me to let me see it. He's intimidated by me. And his preferences vary. Romantic, hardcore, vanilla, variety. Most people do have ALL those qualities. Even you. Just as he can learn to be aggressive, you can explore other ways that you haven't before as well. That's the fun part,isn't it?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It seems common for people to lose interest after they can't have a baby. Did you do any fertility treatments?


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## the enemy of fun (May 1, 2013)

Thank you for all the replies. Sorry I was at work all day and can only catch up now.

I agree that if I want things to change, I have to start with me. I sincerely thank you for all your advise. Some were tough to hear, but I asked for it.

Maybe it is because I am his 'wife', that there's too much respect(?) there for him to see me as a play thing. I can appreciate that. I know he grew up in a family with no affection and a domineering mother. Maybe there's something there. Or some days I think maybe I'm not his type or I don't do it for him. He pursued me like crazy when we first met, showered me with attention and everything else. But anything sexual, I can't feel it. I don't feel it. How could a man, any man, not wonder why his wife has never orgasmed with him after almost 10 years? 

No, I haven't sat him down and tell him point blank what I want. But any guy who is being intimate with his woman would see body language, in bed, from looks to touch to that slightest suggestive go-aheads. The men I have been with in the past were not hotties or bad boys. They were just normal nice guys who saw that opening and went with it. He knows I have done more in the bedroom department vs his experiences so I don't really get why he wouldn't have a go himself? I have tried before during sex to show him what I like, without too much words. And nothing over-the-top either. Just enough for him to see that it's ok, that I won't break. Then the next time, it goes back to lifeless sex. 

I have never really heard of testing for low testosterone until recently. When we were trying to have a baby, after his sperm count was deemed ok, he was so proud of himself. I had hormone injections for almost a year, but never made it to IVF stage. By then, I was exhausted with it all. I have no plans of further trying. He wasn't exactly happy when I told him I'm giving up but he accepted it as long as we are together.

I feel so wretched and pathetic being this sex-starved. I still remember that look he gave me when I was on top of him trying a little dirty talk... this was years ago and I wish I can block it out. That disappointed frown. How he stopped me then and there, not even wait until we finished, to tell me I shouldn't do that. I bursted into tears... And we just laid in bed after.

That's really why it is very hard for me to sit him down and talk to him about these things. I feel I have tried through actions.

I hope I can find the courage to tell him how I really feel. I hope I don't start hating myself if he rejects me again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl, your husband is LD. He doesn't have the type of sex drive you think a person should have because he is different. He isn't going to notice or wonder why you don't have orgasms.

Please read up a lot about people who are LD so you can understand, it isn't a defect. It is normal for millions of people.

Also, please don't have a baby. There is too much going wrong in your marriage and it likely won't change.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

the enemy of fun said:


> No, I haven't sat him down and tell him point blank what I want. But any guy who is being intimate with his woman would see body language, in bed, from looks to touch to that slightest suggestive go-aheads. The men I have been with in the past were not hotties or bad boys. They were just normal nice guys who saw that opening and went with it.


He probably sees the signals, but unlike those other guys, he's just not interested. I hate to tell you this, but you married an asexual person. 




> I have never really heard of testing for low testosterone until recently.


It's sort of a fad right now, so the members of TAM are jumping on low-T as a cause. However, your husband isn't that old, and he was not very interested in sex when he met you. It's very unlikely that the problem here is low testosterone.




> I still remember that look he gave me when I was on top of him trying a little dirty talk... this was years ago and I wish I can block it out. That disappointed frown. How he stopped me then and there, not even wait until we finished, to tell me I shouldn't do that. I bursted into tears... And we just laid in bed after.


Since you two are having such a hard time communicating, then maybe it's time for couples counseling. You are both in dire need of some help communicating with each other. I don't think that's going to save this marriage, but it can clear up a lot of things in a much shorter period of time.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

the enemy of fun said:


> Thank you for all your replies. I was worried I was gonna get attacked by the guys in sexless marriages... That I'm holding out and not doing my part. LoL
> 
> I really wish I'm the kind of girl who can start this type of serious conversation or at least get the sex ball rolling but (I'm getting teary eyed just typing this much), I am the submissive type. I cannot initiate. Blame catholic-girl syndrome or because I just want for the guy to be the guy. I cannot get turned on if I start. And that's the thing, he wouldn't start it either. I mean if he would just say "Ok, I've had enough!" and just grab/pull me to the bedroom, man, he wouldn't know what hit him.
> 
> ...


Sounds like an EA to me. Soon to be PA if you don't stop the emails now. I do feel sorry for you. You sound like a girl that a good man would like around. Don't give up. If you need him to man up and he reads, get him MMSL or No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## the enemy of fun (May 1, 2013)

Will read up about LD/HD. Another thing I didn't know about until I found TAM. The few close girlfriends I have who are also married (but longer and with kids) keep mum about their sex lives/bedroom issues when I started opening up about mine so I couldn't get any real insight. And the rest of my other female friends are still single and are not in committed relationships so that's a dead end too. I never imagined our no-sex would last over 2 years. I'm really glad I found my way here. I thought I was some kind of freak, and alone with this problem.

I think turning 35 this year made me start really thinking about what's going on with my marriage, plus my mom becoming very ill this past year. She had a difficult marriage with my father and finally divorced him after 25 years. I love my father but he was very indifferent to my mother's/family's needs. I don't know if I want 25 years of this. I know, deep down, there's more underlying issues besides being sexless that I need to face.

Thanks again for all the advise. I honestly appreciate it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think you need to address grieving about not being able to have a child. I think he resents that you gave up when he wanted to keep trying.


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