# Confused - Need opinions!



## work247 (Apr 6, 2015)

I am struggling. I have dealt with my struggle for 12 years. I am not married but my boyfriend and I have two kids; a 10 and 6 year old. We have lived together for a little over 10 years. I am pretty passive and a people pleaser - I do not like confrontation or conflict so I am very good at pushing things that bother me away and don't really deal with them. I also can have an attitude and be defensive quickly - and that is probably because I don't really deal with any issues so I am resentful. Those are my flaws. I know this. I don't know how else to be though and I am angry at myself for this most of the time.

On to my struggle: not long after moving in together my bf would complain about our place not being clean and us not having sex enough for him. I would always be hurt by these complaints. Back then I was going to school, had a baby and worked full time but not making much money. He was the bread-winner but all of my money went to the bills too. He worked over nights and I didn't see him much. It was hard. I was noticing that he never would listen to my feelings or opinions and only his mattered. He threatened to leave a lot. On top of this we are very different in our views on the world and how we parent. In my opinion he has a more negative outlook of the world and I try to choose to look at the positives or at least not dwell on the negatives. I think he can be very inpatient and short with me and the kids - while he thinks I am too easy on them. There are a lot of times when he is playful with the kids and has some fun but I feel like most of the time he is very short with them and can be critical. Over the last 10-11 years these arguments happen any where from every 3-6 months. The complaints are always the same - I don't clean enough, do laundry enough or have sex enough. Now he has slowed down with the complaints about the house and laundry and it is mainly all about the not having sex, I don't initiate sex and now I don't show any affection. 

Here is my problem -- through all of these years I have built up so much resentment. I feel numb most of the time. Every time I try and bring up something that bothers me it doesn't matter. His excuse for doing things that bother me are because I am not doing the things he wants me to do (all of the things I listed earlier). He says he gets stressed and is not comfortable in his own home (house isn't to his standards) and he doesn't feel like a man (doesn't get enough sex). 

Let me also add that during this time I have since finished college and have a job that pays me just as much as him, if not more. Now I pay all of the bills. He pays none. The plan is supposed to be that we save most of his paychecks (that doesn't really happen though). I feel that my house has always benn clean enough for me. It is not dirty. When we are getting along just fine we average having sex any where from 2-3 times a week. But if 2 or 3 nights go by without it he starts sending me hints that he is annoyed. I am sorry but it is hard to be affectionate when I feel like my feelings don't matter. I am not good at arguing my case though. He is.

I just need opinions. I know I am not perfect but I really feel I am not the problem here. But maybe I am...I don't know! I know I jumped all over the place in this post but that is how I feel. My heart and mind are all over the place. I can't take it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Actually if you spin your story around it sounds like you guys are actually doing OK. Just spend some time reading, and you will see most relationships are a hot mess compared to what you are dealing with. 

Now, if you want shock and awe, clean the house sparkling clean, tackle him at the door as soon as he come home and ravage him. Then tell him if he likes that, pull out your list of things you want improved and tape it to his forehead!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I feel like if you are both working full time then you should be splitting the household and child care responsibilities. 

From what you say he does work but otherwise is not contributing. I'd be resentful too under those circumstances.


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## work247 (Apr 6, 2015)

I just can't "give in" and do the things he wants when my feelings aren't even considered. If he can't even really hear me and be sensitive to my needs...which seriously aren't much...then I'm sorry, but I'm not doing those things for him. If he had even just a little empathy for my feelings and had some tact when cimmunicating with me I would probably totally do those things. Id want to...I like sex. I want to have sex believe it or not. However, I don't want to be disrespected, treated like all I'm here for is to clean and please him. He can be mean. Its very hard to shut our differences aside and jump his bones. I don't want my son to treat his future wife like this nor do I want my daughter to get treated this way. There is so much more to our story. Its too hard to condense it all here in one post.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Here is a fable that I will present to you: 

Two best friends lived next door to each other. One day one of the two decided that he would wait for the other to call him before going over again as he wanted to be sure his friend wanted him over. On that same day the other friend made the exact same decision. They never spoke to one another again, and they lived each day in aguish wondering what was it about themselves that was so horrible that the other never wanted to call the other ever again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It sounds like you can afford a house cleaner. That would help things a little bit.

I'm not saying you should just jump his bones. But if the house is such a big deal to him and you both have the money and you don't feel like cleaning to his standards, hire someone. At least that one issue can be solved.

Then you can hopefully work on the other issues....I'd suggest you get into marriage counseling for that.


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