# What are the boundaries that you have in your marriage?



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

When I first got married, we never sat down and discussed what the boundaries should be in our relationship. Now I see the importance of not assuming the obvious. I am also now seeing how premarital counseling could have helped us out. (I wanted it, but was talked out of it.) 

Therefore I am curious to know if anyone else have discussed with their spouse what the boundaries should be in your relationship? If so, please let me know how and when did you discuss it and what are the boundaries.

Please let me know in detail. I am really curious to know.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i dont think we ever discussed boundaries as such. like you say and i agree, we take alot for granted, we assume to much. 
but and im not religious, but the 10 commandments are a good base of boundaries. 
ok there things we shouldnt do - i,e kill, infidelity.
we take our marriage vows - these r boundaries.( kind of rules)
we also take from growing up and learning, what is acceptable and not acceptable. 
these are the boundaries that i have learnt over the years and try to maintain them in my marriage. ok hubby would prob feel different.
but its your beliefs and what i believe in is simply communicated to hubby when there is a window of opportunity.
what i mean is, n e thing you talk about can be talked on a general level. boundaries within a marriage are also personal. this is because there are all types of relationships- what one person or relationship likes, another person or couple would be totally against.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

we have never talked about boundries, we are pretty open and honest with each other if something bothers me.

I told her if she ever wanted to have sex with another person, just to let me know a head of time, not to find out from someone else. So far she hasn't...LOL

So far so good...LOL

But otherwise no boundries have been set.


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## waterfall~ (Sep 8, 2008)

Boundaries have an enormous scope.....so what kind of boundaries are you asking about? We have so many systems of boundaries: moral, physical, financial, relational, marital etc. I'm assuming that you're talking primarily about marital boundaries. Those might include parenting strategies, financial planning, outside relationships, time management etc. 

My husband and I have definitely talked about boundaries. We might not have called them boundaries (he's pretty phobic about what he considers "psycho-babble" lol), but we've definitely put limits in place that protect us on many many fronts. 

As an example....spending. We have a 100 dollar ceiling on discretionary spending. Anything above that amount requires joint approval and negotiation if necessary.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Hello *loveandmarriage*

With my Wife and I some boundaries where set in place out of necessity and dealt with usually when the issue came up.
One major set of boundaries was established early on with my Wife's (then girlfriend) cheated on me with her ex and went out on dates with three different "guy friends" while we were dating. 
I of coarse had issue with certain social situations that might come up after that. So, I ask her not to be around these friends or the ex boyfriend anymore, if the relationship was going to continue. 
After a hellish period (8-10 months) of not constant but continuous arguments and fights over her actions and associations, even if accidental, we slowly and painfully set the rules. Her fighting for her independence as she saw it at the time and me fighting to protect myself from being hurt again.
When she asked me to marry her, I expressed my reservations due to her past indiscretions and attitudes toward stuff that is detrimental to our relationship, she reassured me that nothing like that would ever happen again. 
We've been married now for almost three years in February and the rules have flexed and contracted to both of our comfort levels, favoring me to a certain degree because of our past.

Like *waterfall~* stated, 


> Boundaries have an enormous scope-
> -We have so many systems of boundaries: moral, physical, financial, relational, marital etc. I'm assuming that you're talking primarily about marital boundaries. Those might include parenting strategies, financial planning, outside relationships, time management etc.


If I may add to this by saying, that the "scope" is ever broadening in regards to boundaries. 
In a nut shell, it's critical to define what is important to you and discuss it with your mate staying true to your self and fair to others at all times. If your lucky, you can meet in the middle somewhere with a compromise you can both live with.


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> When I first got married, we never sat down and discussed what the boundaries should be in our relationship. Now I see the importance of not assuming the obvious. I am also now seeing how premarital counseling could have helped us out. (I wanted it, but was talked out of it.)
> 
> Therefore I am curious to know if anyone else have discussed with their spouse what the boundaries should be in your relationship? If so, please let me know how and when did you discuss it and what are the boundaries.
> 
> Please let me know in detail. I am really curious to know.


This has really been on my mind lately, too. So I'm glad you brought it up.

When my husband and I got married 20 years ago, we agreed that we would not go out to bars/drinking without each other. That was broken a long time ago, I forgot how or who, but it is still not common for us to go out without each other. But I intend to begin reinforcing it again. 

Another boundary I want to set for my husband is flirting with other women. He has become very bad at this, and has become out of control and has gotten us into some bad situations. Therefore, I want to explain to him that this type of behavior is hurtful to me and I would like for him to chill out a little bit. 

Someone gave me some good advice on this forumn and told me that I should ask him not to say anything to another woman that he wouldn't feel comfortable saying in front of me. 

Honesty is another issue...he has been hiding little things from me lately, and I want to ask him to share these things with me. I.e., he bought a $400 golf club and busted it in a month and told me a big story...which I found out the truth.


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

Boundries...

Man I don't know. I have several that are in my head. I just don't know how to express them to my wife.

1. Do not stay out all night...period. Unless you are on a trip, with your Girls, and if you do call and let me know. 
2. We are not highschoolers any more and I am not your parent but Show me some respect.

3. Independence is one thing, but complete seperation of our lives can't happen.

4. DOn't spend more time w/the opposite sex then you do w/me.

I want to say these things but don't know how w/o them coming out as rules.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Actually it might have been a good discussion to have years ago. But to answer that, we have talked about it recently since we are rebuilding our relationship after I lost trust in him. I know he has huge curiousity over seeing two women but not my thing. I don't judge, just its not me. I also don't think there should be anyone else involved when having sex. I've been clear about this. We've had a compromise, he was always curious about me going with him to a strip club. Ok, I'm game, we went twice. It was a very tame place so I didn't feel too uncomfortable. Of course he got a kick out of throwing out a lot of tips in front of me, but really they didn't do much but he enjoyed it and I enjoyed watching him. It didn't break the boundaries that I felt necessary. Emotionally too there are boundaries. I don't think he should discuss anything about our relationship with another woman, or anything really personal. He has some female friends and he's talked about things we've do together or our kids which is fine. Funny, I don't mind if he does with the guys.. I don't mind him having some female friends but excessive conversations or going out just the two of them would bother me. Also those friends should also be friendly with me too, if not...I know how women think...its more than friendship that they want. Bottomline is if I'm uncomfortable with it, I feel he should respect that. Mostly our friends are couples. Likewise, I don't think having male friends is wrong but I'm not going to share anything intimate in the way of conversation or go out just the two of us. I have a few male friends and mostly its work or something we have in common. Boundaries are important, there are no set rules, but the two of you should agree on what those are.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

GAsoccerman,
So what would you say if she did come to you and said she wanted to have sex with another person???:scratchhead:

Just curious...I think if I told my husband that and that someone else were female he's say "only if I can be there too" ...not going to happen. 



GAsoccerman said:


> we have never talked about boundries, we are pretty open and honest with each other if something bothers me.
> 
> I told her if she ever wanted to have sex with another person, just to let me know a head of time, not to find out from someone else. So far she hasn't...LOL
> 
> ...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

hitrockbottom - i really like what you said. 
you are a genuine warm person .


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

From Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

"When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them as lines that I would draw in the sand - and if you stepped across them I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) (I had this image of some place like the Alamo - from a movie I guess - where a sword was used to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight to the death stepped across it.) I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal."
-Robert Burney

This is exactly what i thought should happen when someone crossed _THE_ line. I didnt know exactly what my boundaries were, so of course neither did my H. They were more like hidden traps in a forest. My H didnt know he crossed one until he was snared and hanging within an inch of his life....he doesnt think my analogy is very funny


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*mommy22* 


> There's a wealth of knowledge to be learned from these replies.


I feel the same way about these forums, I've found that in venting I am able to see my problems laid out in front of me not just for others to scrutinize but also for myself to dissect further.
Reading all the issues that others have day to day also makes me feel less alone in my misery and somehow that alone is comforting enough to get me through another day, even if I am in the same crap tomorrow.
It's nice that even though I may never figure out or fully solve my personal issues, someone else reading what I go through on a daily basis might help make their life a little easier.

Reading that people in their 40's and 50's are going through problems that I dealt with years ago, is demoralizing and empowering at the same time. I hate to think that I may have to be dealing with crap that I thought I had already put behind me in my 20's, 10 years from now, but if and when I do, it's nice to know that I won't be the only one, the the first or the last to have to.


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## roboplan (Jul 13, 2010)

As I read about these boundaries I am saddened that there are so many that have been broken in my own marriage. How do you recover if you can from the pain that is caused by violating the boundaries that hold a marriage together?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Our boundaries didn't really come into effect until after the H's affair, but I can lay some down here:

1.) We both have each others passwords to everything. no reason not to.

2.) We both have any and every right to look at the others cell phone anytime.

3.) Neither of us go to a bar or a club without the other. Instead we drink at the house and usually have a huge bash here. Ends up being cheaper in the long run lol.

4.) My H has agreed to calling me throughout the day to let me know if he is leaving work to do something, and I let him know if I am leaving the house to run errands.

My H has agreed to several different guidelines post affair, but I am sure as time passes and things heal there won't be a need anymore. Silly things, like no women in his truck unless its his mom or sister. He is military and if he does have a school in another state he has vowed that we will be going with him. He has enough pull to schedule his things during the summer, so we can make it happen.


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