# started OK today but going down - the rollercoaster ride sucks



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Last night I went to bed a bit earlier. My wife passed out on the sofa so I woke her up and brought her to bed. She had had some wine. I don't know how much of it was wine, how much was lack of sleep but when I got her to bed she wanted me next to her (first time in a long time.) I said 'love you' and she quickly replied the same...which was just a reflex response maybe but I took it. By early morning I caught myself snoring. I knew she had to go in for her annual physical and I didn't want to mess with her sleep so I spent a couple hours in the other room. About an hour before we had to be up I was back in the bedroom. I started a little cuddling and kissing on her neck. I wasn't expecting anything ti get serious but as my arm brushed up against her breast she let out a bit of a moan that was the sound of 'that feels good'. So I went with it. I was now running against the clock since my 1 hour of rest time was up, I was now cutting my work prep time short. This time she had 1 O. This time it took longer for her to achieve. It's unusual that it would take that long unless she was tired or just not in the mood. When she did O I wasn't sure if I should do anything because I had work. She said, as I kissed her body and was contemplating what to do "if you want to have sex you have to do it now. It's almost 8." And the attitude was one that was 'can we get this done?'...or maybe she just was tired. I said "No worries, you have a physical today." And she replied "Then I feel bad." Meaning I started it and she got her O but I wasn't gonna get mine and that it would somehow be her fault. I will admit my purple matter at this point had more control than my grey matter. I said "OK, I'll be fast." And I was. Unfortunately fast also meant that I 'slipped out' a couple times to which she asked "What's wrong?" I didn't answer. I was done pretty quick.

As soon as it was over she looked like she had just finished a chore...that got me down. She told me to take a shower first. She was taking a shower as I was leaving...I whispered into the shower "good luck at the hospital, love you." And she said "love you." Back. Sometimes I wonder if it's just reflex that she says it because there are still times when I say it quite clearly and get no response. As she was showering her voice seemed a little up beat...but that's mean over analyzing things. On my way to work I was feeling fine...but the more I thought about it the more I wish I had left the room and did a little something for myself in the shower. As some may know, I once tried to be spontaneous after work and she said "It feels like I have to have sex now, like it's a job." I don't want her to see it like that...I want her to enjoy it. Of all the sex we've had this month, this time really felt like she wasn't there and she did it just because she felt like she had to. I don't know what kind of mood she is in, whether she's working after her physical or at home trying relax. I will probably add more to this thread when I get home. I hate the ups and downs...and can't stand to think I'm just 4 weeks out from dday and still have so long to go before the images and feelings of being a zero go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

As promised, I am adding to my post.

While I was working my wife called and then emailed me. She asked "What time are you coming home?" Up and down on this one. She's never asked me this, not for a long time anyways. First she called, but I didn't answer and then she texted me. I called her back about an hour later. She said "I have something to explain." And for some reason I got it in my head that 'maybe she's pregnant' because she when I asked if there was a problem she said "No, I just need to explain something."

So on my way home, to kill some of the pain, I decided to have a drink on the train (Legal in this country). 10 minutes before arriving home I got another text asking me to pick up some wine...which then pointed to her NOT being pregnant. When I got home she explained that she couldn't have her physical done...something about a date mix up (On paper which she showed me) but I have this bad feeling from the whole thing...like she was trying to convince me that she was not doing anything bad. She never emailed me during the entire time she wasn't at the hospital...so I asked what she had done all day. Her response was "Nothing, just stay home and think." I want to believe her but I can't entirely.

Being Sunday I can imagine the OM would've had the day off as well. While I have seen nothing as far as proof that she's seen the OM since Dday, her facebook activity has me a little on edge.

HOWEVER, on my way home my eyes met another young lady's eyes...and for the first time in 9 years I thought "Maybe I deserve better than this, maybe I deserve someone who looks at me like this." Nothing further from a nice look happened. When I got home, she explained her day, we had some wine and talked, we watched some T.V and she fell asleep. I brought her to bed and now I'm here typing this.

I would turn on her Mac if it weren't so close to the bedroom to see if anything is going on...but I almost feel like 'if something is then f##k it.' Of course that could be the alcohol and I could have some serious DOWN time tomorrow...I don't want to become an alcoholic but so far this is the best pain reliever there is.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Gonna add more about Facebook.

Her appointment for her physical was at 12pm. She says she went but the hospital was closed. She said that either the hospital messed up or her office did. She had papers that showed the mess up and was keen on showing me the mess up.

Now that she is in bed I checked MY facebook and see that she updated her stuff at 11.47am and 11.50am...now I don't know how accurate facebook is with time but this means she had less that 10 minutes from her posting to get to a hospital that would take from door to door at least 45 minutes.

Was she making up some BS to cover her tracks. I'm so not over this trust factor.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hospital closed?? Hmmm...


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I had a similar young woman experience yesterday. Not in 20 years have I "let" someone flirt with me. A very pretty gal 25 years younger than me. I was very tempted to give her my phone number, but stuck to my guns. Nonetheless, it was a confidence builder. And as you know confidence can be very attractive.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I think that acting on the impulse coming from feelings of being neglected would be a mistake. It would complicate things further. One catastrophe at a time!

It's true the mood swings are rough, as well as the fear that the Other Person is still a factor. Feeling bad during these situations is a given, as is feeling mistrust. If I were in your place I would focus on restraining myself from making things worse. Let some dust settle and deal with things the most compassionate, common-sense way that you can.

Best,

Lyn


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Hospital closed?? Hmmm...


Yeah...here they are usually closed on the weekends with the exception of the ER's of big hospitals. Local clinics are usuualy open just in the morning etc.

I felt better about the situation because she actually got on the phone with the hospital and then with her office. Both hospital and her office made mistakes. She had to take a day off when she would have preferred to work. She was annoyed at the hospital and with her office for the mess up. I heard most of the conversation so now I do believe her.

She has the day off today and wants to visit a home placement organization run by the government to be placed in subsidized housing. She says that way we might be able to afford to do more for ourselves, like have her mother stay somewhere a few days a week so we can have some time.

She brought up the 'Are you going to see your friends?' topic...and I'm not sure why she's so keen on getting me out with my friends, but I let it fall on somewhat deaf ears with 'I'm just busy with other stuff'.

Today, things started on an UP. I hope it stays up. Something about that encounter yesterday that just got my mind thinking 'Well, what if I do end up going in a different direction' and those images. For most of today they've replaced those images of her with the OM. Hopefully it stays that way for a while, but I know there is bound to be a down time in the day.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Yes, these down times do come. I always say to myself that I wish I could pick a mood and stick with it. 

It's very positive that she is planning for your future! Remember these ups and go over them in your mind.

Best,

Lyn


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