# Dealing with teen reaction to father coming out as bisexual



## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

So you can see my backstory in my other post but what I need at this point is help with how my boys are dealing with the fact that their father has recently come out as bisexual and thinks he may want either a divorce or an open marriage so that he can experiment sexually with men. My husband has been in a residential treatment center due to suicidal ideation for the past 3 weeks and he will be released in another week. He has asked me to pack up most of his things as he has apparently already lined up an apartment to live in after he gets released. He does not want to come home, he feels the need to be free to decide what he is going to do apart from us influencing him. And I'm OK with giving him space, but our boys are very definitely not. They are hurt, angry, worried that this is going to mean they won't have a relationship with their father anymore. They are also very uncomfortable with the idea of their father being with other men, not because they have an issue with homosexuality but because they don't understand how he could suddenly like men when he's been married to a woman for 26 years now. They're really struggling with the fact that he doesn't want to come home and live with us again, I think that's what hurts them the most. They've also made it very clear that they would rather not have us divorce even though I've made it clear to them it's not my decision to make, or at least not only mine. We're doing family counseling with my husband and one of his therapists via Zoom, but it seems to be causing more issues than it is helping. My younger son seems mostly hurt and angry that his father doesn't want to come home and be a family again. My older son told us a few years ago that he thinks he's asexual because he doesn't feel attracted to either gender, so he's having a hard time understanding that someone could destroy a family over sexual attraction. My older son also thinks his father is acting very immaturely and has been for a long time now. He told me not that long ago that he feels more like he has an older brother than a father lately. And honestly, I kind of agree with him. My husband choose to marry me - a woman - and when he took those wedding vows he made a choice to spend the rest of his life only having heterosexual sex. A bisexual person shouldn't marry if they don't want to commit to only being with one gender for the rest of their life! I don't care that he wasn't "out" 26 years ago, he's admitted he had these feelings way back then so he should never have married me without working through them.
I just don't how to help my kids with this when I'm struggling with it just as much as they are. As I said, we're already doing family counseling, and I've suggested to both of the boys that they do individual counseling but so far neither of them has been interested in doing so. They're both old enough (16 and 18) that I'm not going to force it on them if they don't want it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for them. Its always so painful when one parent rejects his or her family. Plus the confusion they feel over his sexuality is hard for them as well. I dont think you can do much more really except just be there for them as much as you can.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I have two little pieces of advice in this tricky situation. One is do not agree to the open arrangement because it's a horrible example to set to your sons. Regardless of what sex the other partner would be it's still cheating and you don't want to endorse that and make your sons think that's just okay to keep a marriage going through it. 

The other is this is above your pay grade. I think what you need to do is get the whole family into family counseling and in that environment they can ask the questions they need to ask and it's important that your husband attend. The boys need a neutral place to talk about this and someone who can help them better understand it..

Sorry you're having to deal with this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

21stcenturyfox said:


> So you can see my backstory in my other post but what I need at this point is help with how my boys are dealing with the fact that their father has recently come out as bisexual and thinks he may want either a divorce or an open marriage so that he can experiment sexually with men. My husband has been in a residential treatment center due to suicidal ideation for the past 3 weeks and he will be released in another week. He has asked me to pack up most of his things as he has apparently already lined up an apartment to live in after he gets released. He does not want to come home, he feels the need to be free to decide what he is going to do apart from us influencing him. And I'm OK with giving him space, but our boys are very definitely not. They are hurt, angry, worried that this is going to mean they won't have a relationship with their father anymore. They are also very uncomfortable with the idea of their father being with other men, not because they have an issue with homosexuality but because they don't understand how he could suddenly like men when he's been married to a woman for 26 years now. They're really struggling with the fact that he doesn't want to come home and live with us again, I think that's what hurts them the most. They've also made it very clear that they would rather not have us divorce even though I've made it clear to them it's not my decision to make, or at least not only mine. We're doing family counseling with my husband and one of his therapists via Zoom, but it seems to be causing more issues than it is helping. My younger son seems mostly hurt and angry that his father doesn't want to come home and be a family again. My older son told us a few years ago that he thinks he's asexual because he doesn't feel attracted to either gender, so he's having a hard time understanding that someone could destroy a family over sexual attraction. My older son also thinks his father is acting very immaturely and has been for a long time now. He told me not that long ago that he feels more like he has an older brother than a father lately. And honestly, I kind of agree with him. My husband choose to marry me - a woman - and when he took those wedding vows he made a choice to spend the rest of his life only having heterosexual sex. A bisexual person shouldn't marry if they don't want to commit to only being with one gender for the rest of their life! I don't care that he wasn't "out" 26 years ago, he's admitted he had these feelings way back then so he should never have married me without working through them.
> I just don't how to help my kids with this when I'm struggling with it just as much as they are. As I said, we're already doing family counseling, and I've suggested to both of the boys that they do individual counseling but so far neither of them has been interested in doing so. They're both old enough (16 and 18) that I'm not going to force it on them if they don't want it.


I think you help them by telling them that all they feelings the feel are reasonable. Nothing they are feeling is wrong. It's OK to acknowledge that you feel the same way. 

That is about it. It's not your job to fix it with their father. In life people disappoint you even your parents, they were going to learn that sooner or later. It's also reasonable to forgive the people that disappoint you, but you can't force it, and it will be up to their father if that happens. 

This is life right? A lot of it is pain and disappointment. This will probably be for a period in their life but eventually they will learn to deal with this new normal. 

By the way this happens all the time, your husband being gay has very little to do with it. 

I agree with the post above. Just divorce your husband. There is no way to make that situation work it's untenable. Be an example to your boys of courage and self respect. It will be painful either way but something good will come out of it. If you divorce you will not prolong your suffering like you would be doing if you tried to stay and you have no idea what the future holds for you. 

I am sorry that you have to go through this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Make this clear to your sons. It doesn’t matter if someone is straight, gay, bisexual or any one of the hundred other definitions. Cheating is not acceptable to you and you won’t put up with it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Absolutely heartbreaking situation, no advice, just sending love x


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's good you're getting family counseling, this is a lot.

I sympathize w/ your sons, but they don't get a vote in whether you divorce or not. It's natural for them to be surprised/confused/upset that their Dad is bi, but they don't get a vote in that either. If they feel differently, you might gently remind them and/or encourage them to discuss it w/ the counselor.

As for your H, if you talk to him you might encourage him not to abandon his sons.

I'm sorry this happened to you, I think you're doing the right things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thinking he is bi is no excuse to break up a family and cheat. Its no different to cheating when you are hetrosexual, in the end he chooses the family or his desire to have sex with others. He may well ruin his relationship with his sons but thats his choice.
I had a friend a while back whose father had left they and their mother for another man, very painful. I was the only one at our church she had told, I felt for her a lot.
What annoys me is that its HE who has been getting residential help yet its you who are having to deal with the fallout of his terrible decisions and try and help the boys. So selfish.
I agree with all the others,agreeing to some sort of open wait and see half marriage is not something I would do. If he leaves and cheats then it would be over for me.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

My own personal history is going to come into play a lot in how I answer this. My exH is gay, not bisexual, gay. Yet, I was told OVER and OVER how "it's only a small part of who I am." It was all crap. The man was not bisexual, he is gay. And the more he explored homosexual sex (through porn or affairs) the less he was able to perform with me until we ended up not having sex anymore. Did he love me? yes he did, of that I am sure...still does actually but that doesn't change the betrayals that happened.

Having spent a lot of time on support groups for straight spouses of gay/bisexual partners I can tell you that most, not all but most of the time, the person ends up being completely gay. They string their spouse along with the bisexual label while they are getting more and more into the homosexual lifestyle. Then they hit them with the news that they've wasted yet another couple years waiting on this person to decide just who they are while they are left all alone.

So, could he be bisexual? Sure, but I recommend you prepare yourself for the fact that he is, in actuality, gay. See a lawyer now and find out what your rights are, start seeing a therpist, both alone and with your kids. I'm not sure if you work or have your own credit, etc but the time to establish those things is now. It's important. 

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Nobody ever thinks this will happen to them in their marriage but it's happened to millions of straight spouses. Visit www.straightspouse.org for more support or feel free to message me if you feel the need to talk more privately.

_hugs_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Agree that support groups can be enormously helpful. I see one for fellow parents of the condition my child has. It can make the whole thing feel less lonely, make you feel less like it's all your fault. You don't need to shoulder this by yourself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your kids. Honestly, his sexuality is kind of irrelevant - it is his actions that speak volumes. He thinks you're going to stick around while he explores? How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Anyway, irregardless of all that, can I give one piece of advice as a teacher? Guide them away from homophobic words, comments and feelings, because I have taught kids in a similar situation who pick up on those feelings and that vocabulary from the cheated on parent who rightly feels very angry, but it created a very toxic situation for the poor kids. You don't sound like that at all but it was something that came to mind when I read your message. If you can convince them to see their school counselor if they don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist, or go to a support group?


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Thinking he is bi is no excuse to break up a family and cheat. Its no different to cheating when you are hetrosexual, in the end he chooses the family or his desire to have sex with others. He may well ruin his relationship with his sons but thats his choice.
> I had a friend a while back whose father had left they and their mother for another man, very painful. I was the only one at our church she had told, I felt for her a lot.
> What annoys me is that its HE who has been getting residential help yet its you who are having to deal with the fallout of his terrible decisions and try and help the boys. So selfish.
> I agree with all the others,agreeing to some sort of open wait and see half marriage is not something I would do. If he leaves and cheats then it would be over for me.


He's in the residential treatment center because he's suicidally depressed. Not because he's bisexual. But he's suicidal because he's been fighting his attraction to men for his entire life. I don't think there's anything selfish in the fact that he's trying to get help for the fact that he's been subconsciously trying to kill himself for years now through his poor health choices. I'd rather be dealing with the fallout of what is happening than the fallout of him dying.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Agree that support groups can be enormously helpful. I see one for fellow parents of the condition my child has. It can make the whole thing feel less lonely, make you feel less like it's all your fault. You don't need to shoulder this by yourself.
> 
> I'm so sorry you're going through this with your kids. Honestly, his sexuality is kind of irrelevant - it is his actions that speak volumes. He thinks you're going to stick around while he explores? How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Anyway, irregardless of all that, can I give one piece of advice as a teacher? Guide them away from homophobic words, comments and feelings, because I have taught kids in a similar situation who pick up on those feelings and that vocabulary from the cheated on parent who rightly feels very angry, but it created a very toxic situation for the poor kids. You don't sound like that at all but it was something that came to mind when I read your message. If you can convince them to see their school counselor if they don't feel comfortable talking to a therapist, or go to a support group?


Thanks for the advice, trust me it's not an issue in our family. We have multiple LGBTQ members among our family and friends and my oldest son has actually stated that he believes he is asexual. Honestly considering my family background it almost surprises me that my husband took this long to get up the nerve to come out. If he had been up front with me about it a long time ago we could have tried to work it out together. Not telling me until we've been married 26 years just made things worse for everyone.
As far as a school counselor, the boys do an online home schooling program (because we've moved a lot and didn't want them constantly changing schools), so we don't have resources like that available to us. I've contacted several therapists but no one is taking new patients right now due to Covid. We only have access to the one we are using because my husband's treatment center set us up with them. I don't really feel comfortable starting them with someone I haven't had a chance to meet in person first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

21stcenturyfox said:


> He's in the residential treatment center because he's suicidally depressed. Not because he's bisexual. But he's suicidal because he's been fighting his attraction to men for his entire life. I don't think there's anything selfish in the fact that he's trying to get help for the fact that he's been subconsciously trying to kill himself for years now through his poor health choices. I'd rather be dealing with the fallout of what is happening than the fallout of him dying.


I agree with others that he is almost certainly gay. If he was bi sexual then he could be in a marriage with a man or a woman and be fine, so would have no reason to move out and end the marriage. Basically he wants to have affairs with men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You should divorce him immediately even if he is mentally ill.

This has zilch to do with sexuality and everything to do with infidelity and irresponsibility.

He is a loser who may have a mental illness but this isn't about his sexual choices.

He is abandoning you and his children and they had no business knowing their father wants to have sex with others be they male or female.

Be a solid role model for them and if he is mental, relate that he is but he is absolutely irresponsible and faithless which has little to do with depression and everything to do with irresponsible behavior.

They don't deserve to be treated like this or exposed to his bull ****.

What are people thinking?!?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I had a long term male friend who _privately_ 'came out' after 25 years of being straight.
He was a large guy, very rugged and athletic, and handsome. I never had any idea.

As close as I was to him, he never let it on. It would have been a career killer for him _(Army)_, so he stayed in the closet.

I found out later that he had another male lover in the _Army Reserve_, also bi-sexual. I was close to both.

I was, and (still am) flabbergasted.

He did not all of a sudden become bi-sexual, he was always this way with a select few.

Looking back, the biggest clue was his lack of interest in females.

I no longer kept them as (close) friends.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

If I were you, I would divorce the guy. He's so confused and lost, you and your kids don't need to deal with all his cr*p!

I agree with other poster saying he's probably gay. I have gay and bisexual friends. My bisexual friend fell in love with someone of the opposite sex. They got married and stayed married for years before her husband decided he wanted to divorce. She knew she was bisexual, but she was in love and remained in love and faithful to her husband. Now she's dating a lady, but that's a different story. 

You don't need him to have a happy family. You need to stay strong and be a healthy role model for your kids. Your husband's confusion can be confusing for your kids. I would avoid that like the plague. 

Get counseling for your kids, and end the marriage. Good luck!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

21stcenturyfox said:


> He's in the residential treatment center because he's suicidally depressed. Not because he's bisexual. But he's suicidal because he's been fighting his attraction to men for his entire life. I don't think there's anything selfish in the fact that he's trying to get help for the fact that he's been subconsciously trying to kill himself for years now through his poor health choices. I'd rather be dealing with the fallout of what is happening than the fallout of him dying.


The fact that he's been fighting it his whole life and is now suicidal over it tells me even more that he is gay and not bisexual. My exH was suicidal for a while as well. He buried his feelings deep down when his family went crazy over the idea. He pretended the rumors were just lies about him and then found a woman to marry. He needed to be straight so badly he convinced himself he was...but he wasn't and eventually that all comes to a head. 

I admire your desire to support him but you also need to take care of you. I tried to be a good supportive wife for years and it almost killed me emotionally. It damaged me in ways I can't really quantify. Please, get some support now.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

21stcenturyfox said:


> Thanks for the advice, trust me it's not an issue in our family. We have multiple LGBTQ members among our family and friends and my oldest son has actually stated that he believes he is asexual. Honestly considering my family background it almost surprises me that my husband took this long to get up the nerve to come out. If he had been up front with me about it a long time ago we could have tried to work it out together. Not telling me until we've been married 26 years just made things worse for everyone.
> As far as a school counselor, the boys do an online home schooling program (because we've moved a lot and didn't want them constantly changing schools), so we don't have resources like that available to us. I've contacted several therapists but no one is taking new patients right now due to Covid. We only have access to the one we are using because my husband's treatment center set us up with them. I don't really feel comfortable starting them with someone I haven't had a chance to meet in person first.


The pain and sense of betrayal is completely understandable - after 26 years together, you're left not knowing who you were really married to all that time. I'm sure this isn't easy at all for either you or your kids.

Completely understandable about wanting to meet a therapist first. We have tried virtual video sessions with a therapist for our youngest and they have been tremendously helpful. Obviously in person would be preferable, but I am able to speak with the therapist about my son's care and make sure I'm comfortable with them. Is that something you might be able to explore? I second what others have said here - make sure you get support for you and your children, whatever that looks like - from peers or family or friends - and preferably therapy because this is a situation that will be difficult for you and your kids to manage. It is painful and tremendously stressful and you should not be pressured into dealing with it alone - please get help for you and your family. 

Would recommend you break things off so you aren't left in limbo with your kids waiting on him to make a decision. Talk to a lawyer. Even if you decide against separation you should know what will happen if you choose the route of divorce.


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## 21stcenturyfox (Nov 29, 2020)

It seems really unlikely to me that he is completely homosexual. I've seen the porn he watches, and it's not gay porn. Surely if he was actually gay he would have been watching gay porn? Most of the porn I have found on his laptop has actually been either gay FEMALE porn or 3somes with a guy and two girls. I don't like or approve of porn, but honestly the only thing I've ever found him watching that really bothered me was rape/abuse porn (which he's never tried to act on BTW). Also, right up until we both started putting on weight we had a very satisfactory sex life. Honestly I NEVER would have guessed that he was attracted to other men. Never. He's the kind of guy who can actually be annoying because he'll wolf whistle at attractive women on the street or mention how sexy some woman on TV is, or "whoa look at the size of her boobs" type. In fact I remember when we first started dating and I went over to his place, he had girly calendars and posters of nearly naked women all over his walls. If he's been faking being straight, he's done a really good job of it.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

21stcenturyfox said:


> It seems really unlikely to me that he is completely homosexual. I've seen the porn he watches, and it's not gay porn. Surely if he was actually gay he would have been watching gay porn? Most of the porn I have found on his laptop has actually been either gay FEMALE porn or 3somes with a guy and two girls. I don't like or approve of porn, but honestly the only thing I've ever found him watching that really bothered me was rape/abuse porn (which he's never tried to act on BTW). Also, right up until we both started putting on weight we had a very satisfactory sex life. Honestly I NEVER would have guessed that he was attracted to other men. Never. He's the kind of guy who can actually be annoying because he'll wolf whistle at attractive women on the street or mention how sexy some woman on TV is, or "whoa look at the size of her boobs" type. In fact I remember when we first started dating and I went over to his place, he had girly calendars and posters of nearly naked women all over his walls. If he's been faking being straight, he's done a really good job of it.


Can't comment on the porn. I've noticed it's often the people who are overtly making comments like the ones you mention about women in public or otherwise that I wonder about their orientation, and if they aren't trying a bit too hard to fit into a sort of toxic masculinity version of what they think men are. It's a bit TOO overt. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't worry overly about his actual orientation - it is his desire to experiment with other people and stray outside your marriage that should be a big red flag for you about the future of your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, men trying to be straight (or at least appear that way) are capable of great deception. You’re obviously not the first, and unfortunately you won’t be the last, to be fooled for decades by someone who couldn’t face who they really are. I hope everything works out for all of you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

21stcenturyfox said:


> It seems really unlikely to me that he is completely homosexual. I've seen the porn he watches, and it's not gay porn. Surely if he was actually gay he would have been watching gay porn? Most of the porn I have found on his laptop has actually been either gay FEMALE porn or 3somes with a guy and two girls. I don't like or approve of porn, but honestly the only thing I've ever found him watching that really bothered me was rape/abuse porn (which he's never tried to act on BTW). Also, right up until we both started putting on weight we had a very satisfactory sex life. Honestly I NEVER would have guessed that he was attracted to other men. Never. He's the kind of guy who can actually be annoying because he'll wolf whistle at attractive women on the street or mention how sexy some woman on TV is, or "whoa look at the size of her boobs" type. In fact I remember when we first started dating and I went over to his place, he had girly calendars and posters of nearly naked women all over his walls. If he's been faking being straight, he's done a really good job of it.


Maybe he was overcompensating. Maybe he is a sex addict and it lead him there. You may never know. I am not sure it matters. He is cheating and has abandon his marriage and your kids. I think you need to start to move on. I am sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

21stcenturyfox said:


> It seems really unlikely to me that he is completely homosexual. I've seen the porn he watches, and it's not gay porn. Surely if he was actually gay he would have been watching gay porn? Most of the porn I have found on his laptop has actually been either gay FEMALE porn or 3somes with a guy and two girls. I don't like or approve of porn, but honestly the only thing I've ever found him watching that really bothered me was rape/abuse porn (which he's never tried to act on BTW). Also, right up until we both started putting on weight we had a very satisfactory sex life. Honestly I NEVER would have guessed that he was attracted to other men. Never. He's the kind of guy who can actually be annoying because he'll wolf whistle at attractive women on the street or mention how sexy some woman on TV is, or "whoa look at the size of her boobs" type. In fact I remember when we first started dating and I went over to his place, he had girly calendars and posters of nearly naked women all over his walls. If he's been faking being straight, he's done a really good job of it.


Perhaps he was trying to convince himself?


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