# Not sure if I still want to be married



## DanielleNicole (Mar 9, 2017)

I have been feeling unhappy in my relationship for quite awhile, and need advice.

A little backstory: My husband and I met when I was 18 and he was 21; we began a relationship almost immediately and lived together the whole time. Our relationship got serious very quickly. Eight months later (19 and 22), I got pregnant and we were pretty happy. However, and some of this I didn't fully grasp until later, my husband has serious insecurities and was very jealous and controlling. I dismissed it as a byproduct of his father's abuse and thought it would get better, and after a few years and a TON of communication, it has improved significantly. But those issues are still there, even if they are not as bad: If I turn him down for sex, he will accuse me of finding him unattractive or punishing him for something. He will question me about why I'm wearing a thong to work (since he attaches sexual meaning to them) or he will criticize clothes/accessories I wear and wonders why I still want to wear them when he doesn't like them. We have had many conversations about these issues and, while I'm always quite articulate, it doesn't seem to fully sink in, or he will get better for awhile but slip back into it. 

He only wants to stay home for the most part and doesn't want to do much except watch tv. We are young (23 and 26) and I want to have new experiences, learn, and further enrich my life. But my husband mostly wants no part in it, basically saying that we have each other and shouldn't need to look for anything else. I wouldn't mind doing these things myself, but he gets upset if I go out by myself and thinks it means I don't want to be near him, which I have explained is not the case. I feel that if I don't do what he wants I will deal with grief and attitude. Finally, he is not financially responsible and impulse buys video games, gas station snacks as well as a beer and weed habit that amounts to about 300 dollars per month. I feel that we will never move forward financially, and when I talk about taking moving into a larger apartment (we are in a 700 sqft one bedroom with a three year old) he says we can't afford it and I am pushing him too much( he makes a little over 2x more than me, but doesn't want me to take on extra hours)

I hope it doesn't sound like I am nonstop *****ing, and thank you for reading this far! He is a thoughtful and caring husband and father in most situations, and does his fair share (or more) of housework and childcare, and we are even planning to move back to my home state where my whole family lives, since he says he knows that's where I'll be happiest. 

I just feel that we may be incompatible. We were much more similar early in the relationship, but have grown in different directions. He is great in so many ways and I enjoy being with him, but not as much as I feel one should enjoy a marriage. I love him but I feel these difficulties may be too much for us and will infect the rest of our lives. I am afraid of not moving forward in my life. I never want to stop growing, learning and changing, but he seems content to stay where he is and doesn't seem willing to compromise much. I have suggested marriage counseling but he refuses and says he will never go, that we can fix our relationship ourselves and don't need to talk to anyone about our problems.

I guess I'd like some opinions to start. Does anyone think my marriage is salvageable in this situation?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk to him. That is the thing, you married him so you owe him to tell him how you feel. Tell him you are almost done. So many people just detach and cheat. The betrayed spouse is shocked because they didn't know, but in the same respect they were never given the chance to change. If he loves you he will change.

If he doesn't then you have your answer.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I agree on the telling him you are considering leaving part. If you love him like you say, it would be treacherous to blind side him with divorce. If he doesn't seem eager to save the marriage after you tell him then you two are already detaching emotionally and it is just a matter of time before...BOOM! Di-vorce! (or cheating; whichever comes first)


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're not completely happy, so your first move is divorce?
I don't get it.

Yes, you have some legitimate complaints. I suggest you better yourself through education and get a job making far more money so you can leave your marriage without putting neither of you in such a bind.

I also agree you need to communicate just as clearly to your husband as you have here.

Honestly, I think getting snacks at the gas station just begs for a divorce.

But the lack of self motivation and beer and weed are legitimate red flags of a personality that may be detrimental to base a life on.

Doesn't the weed give one the munchies? Could that be the reason for the snack attacks?

Good luck. I think he either changes or things will get worse, I'll give you that. all you can do is try your best to work things out so you can be happy.


----------



## DanielleNicole (Mar 9, 2017)

Thanks, I definitely wouldn't just blindside him, but I want to figure some things out because I'm not even sure what I want. It's very confusing. ETA I may have replied wrong, sorry! This was to first poster


----------



## DanielleNicole (Mar 9, 2017)

EunuchMonk said:


> I agree on the telling him you are considering leaving part. If you love him like you say, it would be treacherous to blind side him with divorce. If he doesn't seem eager to save the marriage after you tell him then you two are already detaching emotionally and it is just a matter of time before...BOOM! Di-vorce! (or cheating; whichever comes first)


Yes I wouldn't just ask for a divorce without any warning. Thanks for the input!


----------



## DanielleNicole (Mar 9, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> You're not completely happy, so your first move is divorce?
> I don't get it.
> 
> Yes, you have some legitimate complaints. I suggest you better yourself through education and get a job making far more money so you can leave your marriage without putting neither of you in such a bind.
> ...


It isn't that he's spending money at the gas station, but all the little habits add up to a whole lot of money. He says we cannot move forward financially and yet is spending on these unimportant things, that is the frustrating part. I didn't want to write a book so sorry if some things weren't easy to understand! 

I'm not just wanting to leave because life isn't perfect, it is because I'm worried about being stuck in the same place forever and not feeling fulfilled, I guess. Having trouble explaining it perfectly.


----------



## DanielleNicole (Mar 9, 2017)

Just wanted to add that I have spoken to my husband about being unhappy before and it's an endless cycle of promising to change and falling back to old habits after a couple weeks. I told him once that I wanted to divorce if he didn't go to counseling and he agreed, but when the time came to actually do it he didn't and I didn't push back for some reason, fear I guess


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Love makes you overlook a person's faults for a few years. Then it fades and you see him warts and all. It is during that time that you decide if you want to stay with him or not. If you do, you enter into a more mature form of love. If not, you divorce as many couples do in the first few years of their marriage, especially after the birth of a child when the whole wife/husband dynamic is changed and focused on the child. The wife is now viewed as a mother more than a sexy wife. The wife has to spend a lot of time raising the kid and sex takes a back seat.

My advice is to do whatever will make you happy. Half of marriages end in divorce so you would not be doing anything that a lot of other wives have done to be happy. Your choice, not ours to make since we are not affected by the outcome.


----------



## DanielleNicole (Mar 9, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Love makes you overlook a person's faults for a few years. Then it fades and you see him warts and all. It is during that time that you decide if you want to stay with him or not. If you do, you enter into a more mature form of love. If not, you divorce as many couples do in the first few years of their marriage, especially after the birth of a child when the whole wife/husband dynamic is changed and focused on the child. The wife is now viewed as a mother more than a sexy wife. The wife has to spend a lot of time raising the kid and sex takes a back seat.
> 
> My advice is to do whatever will make you happy. Half of marriages end in divorce so you would not be doing anything that a lot of other wives have done to be happy. Your choice, not ours to make since we are not affected by the outcome.


This is a really constructive post, thank you! I wish my husband would agree to counseling because I would love nothing more than to work things out. I am just worried it will be difficult if we try to go it alone.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are not understanding the way some men's minds work, so I will enlighten you.

Until you make him truly think you are gone and shake up his whole world, he is unlikely to change. 

You are telling him things and backing off, so he thinks all is well in the world.

If you still love him and find him attractive, tell him he has x days to stop the drinking and pot and if he does it again, you're gone. Be expecting him to revert. Then pack your stuff and leave. Stay gone until he believes in his heart you are gone. After a month, when he begs long enough, tell him m if he has successfully quit drinking, smoking pot, and you see the changes you're wanting job-wise, then and only then will you come back. If he reverts after that, leave him for good.

He will either change, or he won't.

You sound like a reasonable, calm person. Trust your own judgement. If you think he's incapable of growing into the man you need, cut him loose.

But give the man a chance to change. He just thinks you're mad and you'll get over it when you say things and then back off.
Don't avoid conflict. Do what you do to give your husband a fair shake at keeping you.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, $300 a month on WEED?? Thats ridiculous, not to mention immature. He has a family now that he needs to consider, the needs of the family come first. Time to grow up. Think about what you could do with that $300 a month he is pissing away! Living in such a small place with a young child is crazy, when you can afford something else that would better meet your needs. 

You dropped the ball before when you threatened divorce and did not follow through. He knows you are blowing smoke. So now you need to have your come to Jesus moment, and be ready to back it up with action, if you are going to throw the possibility of divorce out there again. MC, quit the weed, family first.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DanielleNicole said:


> Just wanted to add that I have spoken to my husband about being unhappy before and it's an endless cycle of promising to change and falling back to old habits after a couple weeks. I told him once that I wanted to divorce if he didn't go to counseling and he agreed, but when the time came to actually do it he didn't and I didn't push back for some reason, fear I guess


Not a good sign. He needs his come to Jesus moment, and he needs to see you mean it. For some though it's just their nature. You may not be a good match. It happens. These issues sound more like immaturity. You are both young. Some people grow up later in life. Why is he not afraid though. For me for example one of the great motivators in life is fear. I don't want to fail. I want to be good a being a provider. I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone who depends on me. Anyway just some things to think about.


----------

