# He is reconsidering me, but she is still around



## Real Love (Jun 16, 2012)

He was my boyfriend for over 9 years, about 6 of those living together. We had many nice moments together, but we also fought a lot. He was the one showing love most of the time and I rarely did the same. In september/2011 he went to stay with his parents, in a different city, while I stayed at his apartment. In december/2011 we argued and cut contact until april/2012 (me at his apartment and him still at his parents). I contacted him in april because I wanted him to come back, although I wouldn't admit it at the time. He told me he had been with someone else, soon asked her to marry him and told me to leave the apartment. I left to my parents house (in a distant country), where I am now. He went back to his apartment.

I've been trying to get back together with him because I love him and am sure that things would be very different because I now admit how I feel about him (I don't get tired of saying I love him), have realized my mistakes (which were a lot!) and have changed the way I relate to people in general. I admit I was an idiot before.

Some weeks ago, he told me that the other person didn't want to be with him, and more recently he seemed to start reconsidering being with me again. I was so happy that he seemed about to be OK with me going back to him. But then he said that the other person was coming to stay with him for a few days (because she has some business to do in his city) and that if I was there with him I would have to be OK with her being there too.

I'm obviously not OK with her and can't stand the idea of seeing them near each other, since he has recently been with her and asked her to marry him, which of course hurts me deeply. I'm sure that the natural thing to do in this case is that if giving me a chance, he would have to tell her not to stay with us and for her to find somewhere else to stay. I'm sure that if not doing that naturally, he would at least need my permission to welcome her there, since I too would be living there.

In the past he wouldn't even look at other women, so it can't be that he doesn't know what he's asking me... 

He says that they are "just friends", but things between them are very recent. To feel safe enough that he prefers me over her, I would need him liking me again (and for a while), which only seems possible if I'm there with him, since he doesn't believe that I love him and I can't prove it from a distance.

Worse, he said that since I've asked him to cut contact with her (at least while trying with me!), I haven't changed and that I'm "manipulating" and "trying to control" him and that I'm not wanting him to have friends, which isn't true. He said that his "common sense" tells him that I should be OK with her and welcome her. Also he said that I "don't have to come", imposing that I would have to stand seeing her if I want to be with him, which I'm sure isn't nice of him to do.

I have even suggested everything to be temporary, since there would be enough time (almost 3 months) for him to try being with me before she came, so that he could tell me to leave before she came, if he wasn't satisfied with me. All he would have to do is tell her that if I'm still there with him, she wouldn't be staying there with us. If he didn't want me there anymore, she would still be able to come and they would still be "friends" anyway. He said that this suggestion wasn't "good enough".

I also expected her to say that if I'm there with him, she would find somewhere else to stay, but from what he said she said, she would dare to show there in front of me, when she has just been with him and he has just asked her to marry him! She knows he likes her, said she doesn't want to be with him, but since she has businesses in his city, she is planning on staying (probably not just as a friend!) with him for a few days. All that only proves to me the type of person she is, therefore I don't trust her and that makes it a lot harder to stand her.

He trusts her more than me and it seems to be because he hasn't had problems with her and we had many. He doesn't seem to remember that everything was fun for us too in the beginning.

People around me tell me that he is trying to keep his chances with both her and I, and that that isn't nice, and that he must drop her if he is truly giving me a chance. I actually feel that he would have no right to make me have to see someone I can't stand and for days, especially her near him. He even said he expects me to have the "intention" of welcoming her well. It just hurts so much!

He seemed to prefer to spend a few days with her than a lifetime with me, when I said he had to choose between her and me.

Are people around me right about me being blind to still want to be with him, that he doesn't deserve me and that it should be me not wanting him since he isn't behaving right? Is it possible that he is behaving right, as he seems to think? 

Also, he doesn't seem to see/consider my feelings at all, which people say should be reason alone for me not to want him.

I love him and I'm sure I only need this chance to prove it to him. But I can't accept what he is imposing me. I wouldn't even be able to do it, it hurts too much. Still, I have told him that I would still consider welcoming her, since if feeling that he loves me again and that he wants to be with me instead of with her, it's possible that I would be able to stand her enough so that he would be happy to see his "friend". But I would want his need to see her not to be stronger than not wanting to hurt my feelings anyway...

Please help me! We would be happy together already if it was just us, and no one else around.

I can't wait to be close to him, to show him how much I love him and to be loved again!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You're Plan B. Until you insist on being Plan A, he won't respect you.

Sorry to be blunt, but no. You don't need to "welcome" her.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Sorry honey, I cannot believe that any woman would allow themselves to be treated this way

why do you need to prove your love to him? He is treating you with utter contempt and disdain, and you're letting him do it. 

You may think you love him but he doesn't feel the same way about you - you clearly have a lot of affection to give, please try and find someone who deserves it and get this total :loser: out of your life!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. He is "reconsidering" you? Are you a car? No.

He doesn't want you. Just tell yourself that. AND he's a jerk to top it off. SO you shouldn' want him.

You deserve better.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

as stated earlier, you are plan B, second choice.

he is probably allowing her to stay with him because he is trying to get her to change her mind.
if she does not, then guess what.
this is where you are then 'reconsidered'.

tell him to fvck off, you are nobodies plan B.


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## Real Love (Jun 16, 2012)

I guess you're all right. 

I just remembered that he said he didn't want to cancel with her because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings", ugh!

Also, from what he said they talked, she told him that it isn't "normal" to ask a boyfriend not to have contact with someone that he has recently been with! What type of girl says that??

And he seems to believe/trust everything she says! The same girl that said doesn't want to be with him but that is going to have sex with him to not have to pay for a hotel...

Worse, this same girl was laughing while he was kicking me out of his apartment. She supported him on getting rid of me without even knowing me. No human I know would do that! Only someone with no feelings at all! I would only help people to get together, because that's positive. I would never try to get people to break up. Only someone evil could do that! 

They have no feelings... I'm starting to think that they deserve each other.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ditch him. He has ZERO respect for your feelings. ZERO. He's only been talking to you because she dumped him, but the minute she's back - it's you and your feelings that get trashed by him.

You've gotten to see his renew interest in you isn't genuine. It was him looking to get some easy sex and companionship to get over his breakup with her.

Show yourself self respect and refuse to be his rebound bed warmer. 

Stop wasting another moment on him and go meet someone new who will adore you and actually put you first.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If you have problems , fix them for yourself, not him. And find a decent guy who treats you as his forst choice.


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## Real Love (Jun 16, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> If you have problems , fix them for yourself, not him.


What do you mean? :scratchhead:


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

He's stringing you along, hoping for her. Move on from him and find someone who will want to be with you and not consider you as a consolation prize from losing what he really wanted.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Real Love said:


> What do you mean? :scratchhead:


Are you seeing a counselor?


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## Real Love (Jun 16, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Are you seeing a counselor?


No, not seeing any.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Real Love said:


> No, not seeing any.


>>I've been trying to get back together with him because I love him and am sure that things would be very different because I now admit how I feel about him (I don't get tired of saying I love him), have realized my mistakes (which were a lot!) and have changed the way I relate to people in general. I admit I was an idiot before<<

Realizing something needs to be different and transforming your psychological triggers are 2 different things.

The second requires real work on yourself.

You can talk through the different ways you were an idiot and get a grip on yourself. It's likely that if you were to get back together, the dysfunction would re-appear almost immediately.


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## Real Love (Jun 16, 2012)

Conrad said:


> >>
> The second requires real work on yourself.


Yes, I know. I've done that and am still doing.

I had no experience in relationships, he was my first boyfriend. I had problems at home before I moved in with him and I brought those problems with me. Circumstances didn't help either, things were difficult and I was depressed, sick. I was always stressed from the fights. I was probably the worst type of person to be around. I used to argue easily, and not show him any affection. I didn't value him. I used to push him away. I treated him with disrespect.

Since he left to his parents last september, I was able to start relaxing and treat the depression. Before, I was having frequent panic attacks, to the point that I couldn't get in a plane, bus, metro or elevator. Even going to the supermarket was hard! Now since around march I can do everything normal again. Before I didn't enjoy doing anything nice. Now I enjoy things and can't wait to be with him to enjoy things together. 

We have been getting along well on the phone and I'm sure that we would in person too. I'm easily OK with things that I wasn't OK with before, and the only problem we had recently was this situation now, which is because he is asking me something not nice. Still, I was mainly crying and begging, instead of being upset at him.

I now easily say things to him that I couldn't before. I can't wait to show him affection.

I'm at my parents. I used to have a lot of problems with them. I couldn't talk about feelings with them before. Now we talk everyday (2 months already) for hours about the situation, they help me and we get along very well. No fights at all. I'm affectionate with them.

I'm sure that showing him affection and not fighting would make things go in the right direction. With all the other things that I have been realizing and that family and friends have been helping me with, things would be completely different. I wish he knew this...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

RL, cut your losses, take care of yourself, and eventually find a man who wants to love you and whom you want to love back.

It doesn't matter how many years you have behind you, only the quality of years ahead and this relationship is going nowhere, his actions are clearly telling you this.


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## Real Love (Jun 16, 2012)

Conrad said:


> >>
> Realizing something needs to be different and transforming your psychological triggers are 2 different things.


:iagree: I know what you mean. 

The same triggers I had with him, I had with my family. For example, I used to think he was ignoring me sometimes if I got near him and he didn't talk to me. That's something I used to feel from my mother not noticing me because of her being self-absorbed.

I identify the triggers and deal fine with them now. Whenever my mother does that now, it doesn't bother me at all. And I know now that he didn't ignore me, that it was just me fearing it.


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