# Need help please



## Despairing

Hi, so I've joined this after reading about a couple of people who have gone through what I've gone through but from a different angle... My husband and I have been married for 4 years and he said he wants to leave me. He said this last month too and gave me a last chance... I really need some adivce/help/guidance. 

So to give some context, he says that I have wondering eyes... I used to be fairly in my head most of the time and would walk around not really observing anything around me but be smiling. One day a long time ago before we got married, we were holding hands walking and I'd be smiling and then some guy walking towards us got the wrong end of the stick and smirked at my husband (then boyfriend). This sparked a huge discussion and we agreed I would start being a bit more mindful of what I do. Skip a few months and I found out something terrible and to be vengeful, I made eye contact with a random guy because I knew this pissed my husband off (then still boyfriend). I regretted immediately, we had a huge argument and I apologised and said I'd never do that again.

Anyway long story short, he says I'm still doing it and it's even got to the point that I'm apparently staring at specific guys on TV. I don't think I'm doing anything at all, I love him so much and don't want him to leave. We've been through a lot and I want to grow old with him  I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can stop something if I don't think I'm doing it... what do I do? Have you experienced the same and have advice


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## EleGirl

Despairing said:


> Hi, so I've joined this after reading about a couple of people who have gone through what I've gone through but from a different angle... My husband and I have been married for 4 years and he said he wants to leave me. He said this last month too and gave me a last chance... I really need some adivce/help/guidance.
> 
> So to give some context, he says that I have wondering eyes... I used to be fairly in my head most of the time and would walk around not really observing anything around me but be smiling. One day a long time ago before we got married, we were holding hands walking and I'd be smiling and then some guy walking towards us got the wrong end of the stick and smirked at my husband (then boyfriend). This sparked a huge discussion and we agreed I would start being a bit more mindful of what I do. Skip a few months and* I found out something terrible *and to be vengeful, I made eye contact with a random guy because I knew this pissed my husband off (then still boyfriend). I regretted immediately, we had a huge argument and I apologised and said I'd never do that again.


What was this terrible thing you found out?



Despairing said:


> Anyway long story short, he says I'm still doing it and it's even got to the point that I'm apparently staring at specific guys on TV. I don't think I'm doing anything at all, I love him so much and don't want him to leave. We've been through a lot and I want to grow old with him  I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can stop something if I don't think I'm doing it... what do I do? Have you experienced the same and have advice


He's upset at how he thinks you are looking at some guy on the TV? Really?

Does he use porn? Just wondering.

Your husband sounds like he has a real problem, like he is unreasonably jealous.


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## shrah25

Despairing said:


> Hi, so I've joined this after reading about a couple of people who have gone through what I've gone through but from a different angle... My husband and I have been married for 4 years and he said he wants to leave me. He said this last month too and gave me a last chance... I really need some adivce/help/guidance.
> 
> So to give some context, he says that I have wondering eyes... I used to be fairly in my head most of the time and would walk around not really observing anything around me but be smiling. One day a long time ago before we got married, we were holding hands walking and I'd be smiling and then some guy walking towards us got the wrong end of the stick and smirked at my husband (then boyfriend). This sparked a huge discussion and we agreed I would start being a bit more mindful of what I do. Skip a few months and I found out something terrible and to be vengeful, I made eye contact with a random guy because I knew this pissed my husband off (then still boyfriend). I regretted immediately, we had a huge argument and I apologised and said I'd never do that again.
> 
> Anyway long story short, he says I'm still doing it and it's even got to the point that I'm apparently staring at specific guys on TV. I don't think I'm doing anything at all, I love him so much and don't want him to leave. We've been through a lot and I want to grow old with him  I don't know what to do because I don't feel like I can stop something if I don't think I'm doing it... what do I do? Have you experienced the same and have advice


Hi @Despairing

Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum.

Firstly, let me give you a bit of an insight into the male psychology when dating. When men are with their lady, it's absolutely imperative that they feel completely exclusive. They want to feel unique, special and in a way that only they can make you feel the way that you do. Anytime this isn't felt, their sense of masculinity and self worth is dramatically impacted. Hence, when other men smile at you or you give off any sort of indication that you are interested in other men, this will spark him. 

Now in terms of his behaviour, there's no doubt he will be a little more sensitive to your behaviour given your past actions. From what you are saying, it doesn't sound too much like you are interested in other men - you just have a lovely energy about you and like to smile and so on. However, it's important that you recognise the impact of it - which it sounds like you do. 

What I am curious about though is - do you work hard at making him feel like the most special man on the planet? Does he know how happy he can make you? It's absolutely imperative that he understands this at a deep level so he doesn't have any fears that you will end up going off with another man. 

As for you being oblivious to your behaviour, have you asked him to provide you with specific examples as they occur? The more evidence you can get, the more awareness you have of it. One thing I will say is - if you are just simply giving off a kind smile to both men and women, then quite frankly, it's his issue to deal with. That might be blunt, but you can't suppress an important part of you just because of his jealousy. However, I do believe in boundaries and it is important that you aren't engaging in behaviours that are somewhat crossing the line when you are in a relationship. 

Hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks


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## Despairing

EleGirl said:


> What was this terrible thing you found out?
> 
> 
> 
> He's upset at how he thinks you are looking at some guy on the TV? Really?
> 
> Does he use porn? Just wondering.
> 
> Your husband sounds like he has a real problem, like he is unreasonably jealous.


Hi EleGirl, thank you for replying. The reason I became vengeful was because I found out that he had had sex with his ex when I was on holiday after the first few months of us seeing each other (though we weren't 'official', I guess, I was still upset).

He says that it's a specific type of guys... I don't agree with him but I don't want to hurt him, even if it's accidental. No, porn is definitely not his thing. He is quite possessive, but so am I and I don't think it's a bad thing in general, but this is close to breaking us and I don't want that


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## Despairing

shrah25 said:


> Hi @Despairing
> 
> Thanks for your message and welcome to the forum.
> 
> Firstly, let me give you a bit of an insight into the male psychology when dating. When men are with their lady, it's absolutely imperative that they feel completely exclusive. They want to feel unique, special and in a way that only they can make you feel the way that you do. Anytime this isn't felt, their sense of masculinity and self worth is dramatically impacted. Hence, when other men smile at you or you give off any sort of indication that you are interested in other men, this will spark him.
> 
> Now in terms of his behaviour, there's no doubt he will be a little more sensitive to your behaviour given your past actions. From what you are saying, it doesn't sound too much like you are interested in other men - you just have a lovely energy about you and like to smile and so on. However, it's important that you recognise the impact of it - which it sounds like you do.
> 
> What I am curious about though is - do you work hard at making him feel like the most special man on the planet? Does he know how happy he can make you? It's absolutely imperative that he understands this at a deep level so he doesn't have any fears that you will end up going off with another man.
> 
> As for you being oblivious to your behaviour, have you asked him to provide you with specific examples as they occur? The more evidence you can get, the more awareness you have of it. One thing I will say is - if you are just simply giving off a kind smile to both men and women, then quite frankly, it's his issue to deal with. That might be blunt, but you can't suppress an important part of you just because of his jealousy. However, I do believe in boundaries and it is important that you aren't engaging in behaviours that are somewhat crossing the line when you are in a relationship.
> 
> Hope that all makes sense.
> 
> Any questions, please let me know.
> 
> Thanks


Hi shrah25, thanks for replying.

He did explain to me how he felt when that first incident happened and I sympathised. I'm definitely not interested in anyone else, otherwise I wouldn't be in the marriage, surely? But when I say that it doesn't help :/

That's an interesting point and I think I do, but I probably don't always do that very well. I'm very attracted to him and say so, and I also mention when I like something he does but I'm also guilty of being a bit restless and wanting to be 'on-the-go' all the time so this probably comes across as nagging... He's definitely provided me with specific examples but he says I'm in denial. If he tells me straight after the event, I try and explain but he says this is me lying about it or trying to deny it. Eg. He said that I made eye contact with a guy because the guy stared at me afterwards, but I told him I was looking at a sign, which I was doing, as far as I'm concerned. I acknowledged there was a guy underneath the sign, but he was just in the way, I wasn't seeking him out... it's making us both frustrated because he thinks I'm denying and making him feel stupid and I don't think I've done anything and I'm going crazy.


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## shrah25

Despairing said:


> Hi shrah25, thanks for replying.
> 
> He did explain to me how he felt when that first incident happened and I sympathised. I'm definitely not interested in anyone else, otherwise I wouldn't be in the marriage, surely? But when I say that it doesn't help :/
> 
> That's an interesting point and I think I do, but I probably don't always do that very well. I'm very attracted to him and say so, and I also mention when I like something he does but I'm also guilty of being a bit restless and wanting to be 'on-the-go' all the time so this probably comes across as nagging... He's definitely provided me with specific examples but he says I'm in denial. If he tells me straight after the event, I try and explain but he says this is me lying about it or trying to deny it. Eg. He said that I made eye contact with a guy because the guy stared at me afterwards, but I told him I was looking at a sign, which I was doing, as far as I'm concerned. I acknowledged there was a guy underneath the sign, but he was just in the way, I wasn't seeking him out... it's making us both frustrated because he thinks I'm denying and making him feel stupid and I don't think I've done anything and I'm going crazy.



Hi @Despairing

Thanks for your reply.

Well in my opinion, there are a couple of ways of looking at this now. 

1) To look at the behaviour as excessive jealousy and decide that you don't want to tolerate this sort of behaviour. A lot of people in your position would walk out on it and i'm not saying that's what you should do but it is something that does occur and hence, it is an option. 

2) Look at what he is trying to communicate to you at the deepest level. He's crying out for something. He's crying out for you to make him feel like a worthy man. This is where you need to take the bull by the horns and push all the right buttons. Serve him in ways he's never experienced before. When you think you've done enough, do more. He needs to know that he is the only man for you and the only way you can do that is by finding more and more ways to make him feel that way. 

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks


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## arbitrator

Despairing said:


> Hi EleGirl, thank you for replying. The reason I became vengeful was because I found out that he had had sex with his ex when I was on holiday after the first few months of us seeing each other (though we weren't 'official', I guess, I was still upset).
> 
> He says that it's a specific type of guys... I don't agree with him but I don't want to hurt him, even if it's accidental. No, porn is definitely not his thing. He is quite possessive, but so am I and I don't think it's a bad thing in general, but this is close to breaking us and I don't want that


*Sex, even with his ex, is now and for as long as you are married to him, totally inexcusable!

If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking for a good attorney to fully advise you of your property and custodial rights! You need out of there, like yesterday!

All that he's looking for is some sympathetic acceptance of his adultery! *


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## Despairing

arbitrator said:


> *Sex, even with his ex, is now and for as long as you are married to him, totally inexcusable!
> 
> If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking for a good attorney to fully advise you of your property and custodial rights! You need out of there, like yesterday!
> 
> All that he's looking for is some sympathetic acceptance of his adultery! *


Hi arbitrator, thanks for your reply. I think I need to clarify something here... that incident occurred a long, long time ago. I provided the information for background context, and hence didn't specifically mention it until EleGirl asked. It happened way before we got married and in the first couple of months of us getting to know each other. I've long since forgiven him (hence we got married).

I'm not looking to separate or divorce, I came to look for advice on what I could do to help the situation... I want to grow old with him, not be apart.


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## Despairing

@shrah25 Thanks for your reply. Could you give me some specific suggestions, please? To number 2, not 1. I don't want us to separate...

Other than the obvious physically and generally trying to be a bit more patient and kind, what sort of thing do you suggest might work?


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## arbitrator

Despairing said:


> Hi arbitrator, thanks for your reply. I think I need to clarify something here... that incident occurred a long, long time ago. I provided the information for background context, and hence didn't specifically mention it until EleGirl asked. It happened way before we got married and in the first couple of months of us getting to know each other. I've long since forgiven him (hence we got married).
> 
> I'm not looking to separate or divorce, I came to look for advice on what I could do to help the situation... I want to grow old with him, not be apart.


*In that event, @Despairing ~ I hereby stand corrected!*


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