# How to handle issues with StepChildren????



## StepMom82 (Aug 23, 2013)

Hi Guys,

I have been reading TAM for a long time now and never really felt the need to post but now I'm experiencing some issues in my life and know if there's a place where I can find help and good advice is here so I ask all of you to help me out.

I recently met my future stepchildren, in 10 minutes of knowing each other we got along very well and do get along, so far our relationship is not a problem at all. They are 12, 10 and 7, the kicker is their behavior ( I don't have children) so I'm not sure how much of these behavior is actually normal or not, regardless I would like you guys to advice me how to handle this in a proper manner from the get go as I don't know what to do.*

Me and my fiance live together and the kids spend the weekends with us, during the week they are with their mother, I don't know if this is relevant or not but my fiance had a very traumatizing marriage and divorce what definitely affected the kids thats why I really want to handle this in a proper way, the children are also in counseling and unfortunately my fiance and his ex wife still have constant issues and fights over custody issues and anything else you guys can imagine ( its a highly toxic situation).*
The kids and I like I said we get along very well, in a way I even think they look up to me as I bring some peace into their highly tumultuous lives and I'm a very calm person ( I don't yell or curse at them) like their parents do and I think that gives them some peace.

Now the issues, they stay with us from friday afternoon until sunday afternoon, we do their food shopping on friday morning and to feed them we spend $300 what every month makes it around $1200 just in food for them keep in mind all our other bills, it is crazy and I don't know how we will keep affording it, I can no longer do it and don't know how to handle it anymore, they don't do anything else all day but play video games, watch tv and eat but even worse than this is they refuse and don't eat anything but junk food that they will also waste and literally waste most of what they pick to eat, they will either heat it on the microwave, pour it on a glass if is a drink or open a package and then literally not eat it and throw it in the garbage. They throw stuff all over the house, if they take something out of the closet they will throw it on the floor, they will use the bathroom and not flush the toilet, leave dirty clothes, toys, dishes etc all over the house, fight constantly and do not respect any adults, our house every sunday after they leave looks like is a war zone. I have kept strong boundaries so far and do not allow them to disrespect me, they also constantly try to tell you what to do and order you around, their mother allows this behavior and my fiance has no clue how to handle it and doesnt want to be the bad guy, I just dont know what to do about all this or how to handle it, I want to handle it well from the get go, also how to talk to my fiance about it???? I don't want him to think I don't like his kids because I do and I do like to have them over I just don't know how to handle this issues and financially is destroying me. Please guys help me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you spending $300 for a weekends worth of food? Stop buying prepared meals and junk food. The kids won't eat that garbage if you don't have it in the house. 

Your fiancé needs to stop worrying about being the "nice dad". One of their parents needs to be responsible. If the kids don't like it, tough luck. There's rules. 

Think about family counseling. 

This mess will only get worse over time. You THINK you have a good relationship with them, but it sounds highly dysfunctional to me. They are walking over all the adults in their lives because nobody wants to be the bad guy. That's not the way parenting works. But it's not your role (as stepmom) to start that process, in my opinion. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Your house, your rules, as far as I'm concerned.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

This is why subsequent marriages with children from prior marriages often fail.

The food costs are way over the top, the chiildren are out of control, you know it, and yet you're powerless to do anything about it because you're afraid of causing problems with your fiance.

Good news is that you're not yet married and you can call it off before you make what will be one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

There is no need to marry a man with 3 children.

None.

Unless you're a glutton for punishment.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lenzi said:


> This is why subsequent marriages with children from prior marriages often fail.
> 
> The food costs are way over the top, the chiildren are out of control, you know it, and yet you're powerless to do anything about it because you're afraid of causing problems with your fiance.
> 
> ...


I would agree with this, and add that it's likely to get worse before it gets better, as the kids become teenagers. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Please try to have some compassion on these kids. My parents went through a divorce around this age and there was a stepfamily. My brother and I really resented it... it took probably 20 years for the relationship between my brother and my father to be repaired. Most likely these kids are hurting and the behavior you see is them trying to cope.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My kids are 13, 11 and 8. I spend $1,000 a month to feed FIVE of us. Stop buying the junk food they won't starve.

Your house your rules.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

You are both too soft on the kids and you need to implement boundaries in your house.
I would sit with them when they come next and tell them this:
Your dad and I love having you around for the weekend, but we also need your help to make the weekend time relaxing and fun.
From now on, these are the rules we all need to follow:

-I will cook healthy food and we will all eat it, the alternative is being hungry( do not buy junk food or snacks)
-we all help set up the table and clear the dishes
-watching TV and playing games can not take all day( set a limit). Go out for walks in the park,play games, etc
-no dirty clothes on the floor( provide each kid with a laundry basket)
-no dirty dishes around the house-eating is on the table and each kid puts the dish in the sink

Reward each kid on Sunday evening before going to their mother with a small gift if they helped you with the above mentioned list.

It is obvious that due to the divorce stress both parents have allowed the kids to rule the roost. These kids need boundaries, it will only get worse when they become teenagers.

And finally, I admire you for sticking it with a father with 3 children. When I married my husband, he had a 3 y. old boy who used to come and stay with us every second weekend. He was very well behaved and he is a 22 year old young man who is a delight. My kids adore him and he is the most thoughtful and helpful young man. However, his mother and my husband( plus me) raised him with boundaries.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I have two stepchildren. I am gratified that when I was ill recently both came to visit me in the hospital and couldn't have been nicer. My middle one recently offered to make me dinner. They are doing well and we have been married for 25 years. Some suggestions. 

1. Take it slow, don't try changing everything. 

2. Your husband should enforce any discipline. You should not be involved except behind closed doors. He should never say she wants this done. 

3. Be kind to them, they have been through a lot. They have two crazy parents and friends instead of trying to calm this down are saying, Jane, you are entitled to more money, the problem is you and your lawyer are too nice. Trying to work with the ex and get a sense of what is pushing her buttons and how to learn to work together. 

4. Treat them as individuals. Ask one about going to a movie or museum. Start trying to understand what activities they would like. They are sunk in a depressed state because of all the stress they have had to endure. 

5. Do not ever say bad things about the ex in front of them. If she is such a parent that she says things, note the children will figure things out. 

6. Financially try to buy less junk food and do try to economize. I don't think you need to buy 5 different types of cookies. That said, food prices have gone up recently my wife reminds me.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You need to put your foot down with them, if you don't they will walk all over you.. My husband also has 3 kids and they would spend every other weekend here and I got tired of cleaning up the mess (i was pregnant at the time) I gave each and everyone of them chores to do while they were here. They did them, my husband had no problem with me giving them things to do.. They always had to have their beds made in the mornings, dishes were to be done, garbage taken out (if needed) and random other things that needed to be done..


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

As a former stepkid, I think it can be a huge mistake to 'put your foot down'. It really depends on the kid. In my family, my stepbrother wanted my Father and Stepmother to be married. He did really well with rules set by my Father. My brother and I, on the other hand, were angry kids. We were angry that my parents got divorced. When my Stepmother tried to put her foot down, it caused a war and tore our family apart. That war took decades to heal.

I think the biggest reason this type of situation can go bad is when the parents did not grow up in a Stepfamily. The parents don't understand the depth of pain that the children are in, and the kids become angry that the parents don't understand it. Be reasonable- these kids likely don't see the house as their Stepmothers. They likely see the house as theirs that the Stepmother has invaded unwelcomely. That's a recipe for disaster. Like I said, don't underestimate how bad that disaster can be. I've seen it.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

It's good to see feedback from both sides of this issue. Excellent advice (wish I had it 12 years ago).

My only observation is that a lot of times the non-custodial parent(usually the Dad) feels guilty about the divorce. I think had he had remained in the marriage, my H's style of setting boundaries would have been stricter. In fairness, if you only see them on weekends and you miss them it's easier to understand (I'm not saying it's right) someone feeling guilty to sweep discipline under the rug...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Do not get married until you have a resolution to the issue. 

Firstly insist on counselling with your fiancé. Then counselling with the children.

Do not marry a man that resorts to yelling cursing at children. 

A counsellor can help work through the issues and resolve them, it will be cheaper then what you are paying for junk food. 


I agree about the boundaries. These are so important.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree that your going over the top with food. Start preparing meals for them on the weekend. Cut back on the junk and snacks. If they are hungry, have them eat something like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Most of all, demand they pick up after themselves! They also could group together and help with nightly dishes. 

Our family of 5 would spend $5-600 a month on food, this includes neighbor kids and our kids friends eating over frequently too. I make most meals from scratch. The kids have 1 snack a day at around two in the afternoon, unless they are going through a growth spurt, then it's more. I make a lot of their snacks homemade. I never stop them from eating, but their snack are not junk. We don't keep prepackaged foods here, unless its a birthday party and the kids are having friends over. 

Also, my husband was a step-father to my oldest daughter. He took her in as his own daughter and did a very fine job raising her. 

Soon those kids will be teens and if they are out of control now, watch out! It will worsen once they hit the teen stage!

Good luck, I see why you are worn out. You need up put your foot down. If those kids throw a temper tantrum, have their father make them go to their room.

Also, your finance has to be on the same page as you and work as a team or this will never work.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

Wow. I could buy a whole months food with 300$. If they are only eating junk food it seems they have been neglected by their parents. It's not healthy in the long run and will cause problems later on in their lives.


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

lenzi said:


> This is why subsequent marriages with children from prior marriages often fail.
> 
> The food costs are way over the top, the chiildren are out of control, you know it, and yet you're powerless to do anything about it because you're afraid of causing problems with your fiance.
> 
> ...


What? I disagree!! Like the OP I am engaged to a man with three children who is also significantly older than me. 

Like the OP we have the kids on weekends during the school year and the whole month of August in the summer. 

However, his kids are in my eyes angels and very well respected, I guess growing up in a strict Italian family had something to do with it. His divorce was messy too but I would not for the life of me doubt my relationship with him or my future with him. He's a big contributing factor to the person I am today and I know as he tells me, his life has changed because of me. 

Now I agree with previous comments $300 for two days of food is nonsense. Quit buying junk! The kids need some semblence of order in their lives. They are mouthing off to you because they get it from their parents. Take the high road and be a good role model for them. Be there if they need to talk, but also be stern as it is your house and your rules like another poster said.

When my step kids come over, they get home cooked meals and eat everything on their plates. I love to cook and my husband and his kids love to eat, we are both self proclaimed foodies. OP if you like to cook, get the kids involved! My favourite meal to make for my fiance/kids is any homemade pasta and I get the kids involved rolling dough etc. Good luck!!


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

I have just one stepchild, and she's younger than yours, but the discipline issue is similar. Since the husband only sees his little girl on the weekends, he never wants to say no to her, or be the disciplinarian. I was the one who said things like "feet off the coffee table", "brush your teeth", "no dessert because you didn't eat enough dinner" and so one. This made me the evil stepmom, and set up an adversarial dynamic. It literally took two years for us to work through things (the H and I) before he realized why I was upset at having to enforce the rules on my own (it seemed to me), and now he is a lot more helpful about initiating "rules" and "consequences". 
I don't know if three kids will be a harder sell than one, but I wish you the best of luck.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Your problem is with your fiance, not the stepchildren. You guys need to be on the same page as to how to raise the kids in your house. If you aren't, then you had better address that with him ASAP.


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