# Emotionally Checked out then had affair



## checked_out (Jan 13, 2013)

Little background story, met my husband when i was 19, he was 25. We have been married for 2 years (together for 7). I have been emotionally checked out for at LEAST 4 of the years we've been together. In the beginning of the relationship there was a lot of disrespect on both of our parts him flirting and having cybersex with other girls and his exes and me not respecting his personal space. (I lost my virginity to my husband and I was very possessive and jealous and destroyed alot of his stuff in fits of rage). Even though in retrospect I don't know of anyone that would have been ok with their boyfriend cybering and turning you down for sex to watch porn. But again I was young and naive, and what I thought was in love. I wanted nothing more than to be married and be a wife, etc etc. So for the first 4 years of the relationship there was IMO infidelity on his part (given not physical, but stilll hurts nonetheless). Despite all our problems I loved my husband and was determined to make things work out. As I got older, I started to become resentful. I consider myself to be a pretty attractive woman and yet I felt like I would never be good enough to please him. Like I said his female friends , the porn and cybering always came first. It got so bad that there were times where he would turn down my advances to be intimate only to later catching him watching porn. I was devastated. 

Fast forward 4 years, I'm in my early twenties and extremely depressed. I work a very high stress job, and i feel like I am married to a child. He play video games all day, and becomes passive aggressive if I don't drop what i'm doing to make him something to eat or if im not in the mood to have sex. He doesnt understand that I am completely emotionally checked out of this relationship and drained. I should have never let this go as far as it did, but i didn't know how to get out. Don't get me wrong, i love my husband as a person, but I have little to no respect for this person, and feel like this person views me like a means to an end to get his needs met. Anyways we continue becoming more and more distant. 

Enter stage left, I reconnect with an older coworker who has always liked me. Turns out he is now divorced and gushing how crazy he's been about me for years and how he couldn't do anything before due to his being married. While i am emotionally checked out, I have no intention of having an affair, but I do enjoy being around this person. We have alot in common and to be honest he makes me feel like a woman, not like a maid or a mother. I feel like I am not married, I feel like a mother and a nursemaid.

After several months of talking and flirting with this coworker we become considerably close, having in effect an EA. My husband finds out, blows up and all of a sudden wants to work on the marriage. I really would love to save my marriage but the truth is the feeling is gone, and has been gone for a very long time. Its hard to all of a sudden start feeling "in love" again after I've been treated the way i have. He tells me I need to get over it and that I can't hold the past against him forever. But I just can't. Before i was content to stay in a loveless marriage, because i didnt know any better. But now after this EA, I've felt hopeful that I don't have to live like this. I'm trying not to put all my eggs in one basket with this guy and I know things probably wont work out. But at the very least it opened my eyes to what a semi normal respecting relationship is like.

I know I will probably get flamed on here for being the "adultress", but sometimes we only hear one side of the story. I'm torn now between a life I know and hate, or the possibility of a life of happiness. The biggest thing holding me back right now is the guilt of abandoning my husband of 7 years. I feel like I should stay and try to work things out, but I dont feel that I can ever regain those feelings again. Not to mention i could be holding him back from meeting someone whom he really has something in common with and really be happy with. He says he loves me, but I think he is really just afraid to be alone. At this point, I think I rather be alone that be miserable. Any thoughts?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

No flaming from me. Sympathy for both of you. It's not a good feeling when you live with someone and are lonely. 

And you can love someone in a non-romantic way. To be truly in love is to submit your whole emotional being and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to emotional pain. 

I think that little by little you protected your emotional side by stepping farther back because of his attitude, online activities, and neglect. But you could have put your foot down. 

He will never make you happy, but neither will your friend. Only you can make you happy. So don't look for happiness elsewhere.

You can still invest yourself emotionally with your husband if you really want to. Start with IC for each of you. Once you have determined what it is you want you can decide to go your separate ways or work through a MC on your marriage. 

Whatever you do, don't start a family in the hopes of strengthening your marriage. Why don't you start by removing both of these guys from your life totally for a week or two while you gather your thoughts?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Just a little flaming here. If you've emotionally checked out of this marriage, why don't you physically check out and leave your husband. This way you can pursue your little fantasy with the older guy with a clear conscience. Having an EA while married is cheating and a miserable thing to do to your husband and this only makes you (in my opinion) an unsympathetic person.

When you got married you made commitments and now you have responsibilities to live up to. You no longer are the first priority in your life, your kids come first (if you have them), followed my your husband. Your considerations are dead last. Time to grow up dear.

So if your not going to do like your husband asks and Check back in, you should do him and everyone else a favor and walk away.

Edit: The investment of energy and emotion you put into this EA would have been better served invested in your marriage. Also, be honest with us, is this EA also physical?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

They cheat with you they will cheat on you. So dump the OM.

You need to leave that job because you must have NC with the OM.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

A WW will never recover her feelings for her BH as long as she has contact in any way direct or indirect with her OM.

As you work through the book you will learn how to recover your marriage. Then get the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley. This book will help you and your BH to have a better marriage.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> He will never make you happy, but neither will your friend. Only you can make you happy. So don't look for happiness elsewhere.
> 
> You can still invest yourself emotionally with your husband if you really want to. Start with IC for each of you. Once you have determined what it is you want you can decide to go your separate ways or work through a MC on your marriage.
> 
> Whatever you do, don't start a family in the hopes of strengthening your marriage. Why don't you start by removing both of these guys from your life totally for a week or two while you gather your thoughts?


Bang on especially the don't start a family yet part. 

Get the heck away from the EA guy.

I would look into transitioning your job in a less stressful direction. Just sayin...


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## heaven1 (Sep 27, 2012)

I will try to keep my response as short as possible. Your story sounds very similar to mine. Sadly mine went much further and turned PA. DD was nearly 3 years ago and it has been a rollercoaster. 

All that said I know how it feels to feel alone and for someone else to fill that void. I even know that it feels like an affair followed by divorce is a perfectly acceptable option but I don't think it is unless you have literally tried everything.

I definitely think that you need to cut the AP out of your life and really commit to it. You may feel like you are grieving and miserable and he is the only person who understands you but it's not true!


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Marriage is not a prison sentence. You have not cheated nor do I think you should have to work a marriage out. Sometimes things do not work out. 

Take time to figure out what is best for you. An A never fixes anything,

You have a right to a good life and to be loved. Sometimes things end, just it the right way so you can look yourself in the mirror.

Work on yourself and get the life you deserve whether it is with your H or someone else.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Both of the men in your life are sub par, dump them both. 

BTW, you EA partner is the worse of the two. He's trying to snake another mans wife. He can never be trusted. Your husband can not be depended on it seems. If you pick one its your husband. Give him a chance to prove himself.

Ask him to grow upo nad get rid of the video games and see what happens.

You aren't going to believe this but its been analyzed to death. Only three percent of cheating couples stay todgether long term. Only ten percent last three years. Its mainly believed its because even cheaters can't trust or depend on a cheater.

There are good books to help you out if you want to stay with your husband.

Rmember, your work guy is just another wolf in sheeps clothing preying on a married woman. And speaking from a man thats been around a long time, he just wants in your pants.

Read this, its how its done.

Quote* Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. He posted something similar to me, here it is.:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should check with work guy's ex and see why they are divorced. Hint: do not believe anything work guy says, he is a cheater and lying is in his nature.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

checked_out said:


> But now after this EA, I've felt hopeful that I don't have to live like this. *I'm trying not to put all my eggs in one basket with this guy* and I know things probably wont work out. But at the very least it opened my eyes to what a semi normal respecting relationship is like.


My thoughts? Drop OM like yesterday. It's OK, you realize now your marriage is a sham, you don't love nor respect your husbad. Maybe he comes too little too late. Let's see... later, because you are mistaken, you are in the wrong fence. It's not about choosing between OM and BH. It's about choosing self respect.
You don't have to reconcile with BH. You don't even to decided just now. Still you need to regain your integrity. OM knows you are a married woman. He's no good news. At all. He's not special, even it served as a catalyst to exit from an unhappy marriage. He served a porpouse. Now drop him. Like a hot potato. I'ts going to be hard, it fel good, very good. But deep down you know the right decision is very simple.
The worse is cake eating. I'm worried about the bolded part. You have no intention to give up cake. You are now very angry at BH. Maybe it's understandable but your using that anger not only to get back to your husband but to shoot yourself in the foot. If you finnaly decide to divorce you can do it honorablity or as a lying cheater, which will out you at the same level of your husband. Is it that what you want? .
What you are doing doesn't speak about your husband or your marriage, speaks of you, your lack of self respect, dignity, integrity. Start by reganing them. The wrose it not the cheating but the justifications to keep dping it, the rationalization. You will internalize the bad behavior by weighting your BH's shortcomings. It doesn't work this way. You are your own master. This affair doesn't make you brave or alike it makes you a run on the mill cheater.

Decide what kind of person you are going to be from now on. Time to stop for a while, take a couple of steps back and think mid and long term.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Just a little flaming here. If you've emotionally checked out of this marriage, why don't you physically check out and leave your husband. This way you can pursue your little fantasy with the older guy with a clear conscience.


That ship already sailed. She can't persue her affair partner and still have a clean conscience. Self contradictory. He will always be the man she cheated with. No grey areas.
She dropped her personal boundaires, got in an innapropiate relationship. It must end for her own sake not for the marriage or her BH sake. The marriage is a separate issue, different animal.


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## checked_out (Jan 13, 2013)

Thanks for the responses guys. I am actually moved out of the house and living with my parents last week and have not spoken to my EA partner in several months (not seriously anyways, always in public/at work). We had a fight a few months ago and things fell thru with him and I have zero interest in getting involved in another relationship at this point. To be honest I right now what I really want is just to be alone and think. Like I've said I've been with my husband since I was 19, hes the only man I've ever been with and I dont know any life outside of life with him. But I feel like there has got to be a better life out there for me, even if it means being alone. I guess the EA just stirred something in me that really made notice how lackluster our relationship had been for the past 4 years. And a previous poster hit the nail on the head when they said I kept distancing myself from my husband as an attempt to spare myself the feelings of hurt and rejection over the years. 

I am planning on quitting my job soon. I am almost done with my degree and am thinking of leaving my home state and starting somewhere new away from everything and everyone. Its the scariest thing I've ever done, but I think I'm making the right decision. 

Thanks again for all the comments. They are appreciated.


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## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

checked_out said:


> Little background story, met my husband when i was 19, he was 25. We have been married for 2 years (together for 7). I have been emotionally checked out for at LEAST 4 of the years we've been together. In the beginning of the relationship there was a lot of disrespect on both of our parts him flirting and having cybersex with other girls and his exes and me not respecting his personal space. (I lost my virginity to my husband and I was very possessive and jealous and destroyed alot of his stuff in fits of rage). Even though in retrospect I don't know of anyone that would have been ok with their boyfriend cybering and turning you down for sex to watch porn. But again I was young and naive, and what I thought was in love. I wanted nothing more than to be married and be a wife, etc etc. So for the first 4 years of the relationship there was IMO infidelity on his part (given not physical, but stilll hurts nonetheless). Despite all our problems I loved my husband and was determined to make things work out. As I got older, I started to become resentful. I consider myself to be a pretty attractive woman and yet I felt like I would never be good enough to please him. Like I said his female friends , the porn and cybering always came first. It got so bad that there were times where he would turn down my advances to be intimate only to later catching him watching porn. I was devastated.
> 
> Fast forward 4 years, I'm in my early twenties and extremely depressed. I work a very high stress job, and i feel like I am married to a child. He play video games all day, and becomes passive aggressive if I don't drop what i'm doing to make him something to eat or if im not in the mood to have sex. He doesnt understand that I am completely emotionally checked out of this relationship and drained. I should have never let this go as far as it did, but i didn't know how to get out. Don't get me wrong, i love my husband as a person, but I have little to no respect for this person, and feel like this person views me like a means to an end to get his needs met. Anyways we continue becoming more and more distant.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## checked_out (Jan 13, 2013)

I've also been in therapy on and off since the EA started. Both therapist I saw agreed that the EA partner was a creep but that staying in my marriage was a bad idea. Hoping to keep seeing my therapist to help navigate this difficult period.


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## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

I married a man who is exactly like your husband. You are lucky you don't have kids. The porn addiction will get worse, my H was going to strip clubs and started paying for "happy endings" at every massage parlor in town. He hid this from me for years. It ruined our sex life because he couldn't get an erection unless he looked at porn first. Talk about a blow to your self-esteem! Stay away from men for a while and listen to peoples experiences. You are lucky you can start over. I wasted half of my life with a man who lied and made me feel less than enough from the porn and sex addiction. He always has to have attention from other women to feed his ego. He never grew up still gets off by looking at very young women. My kids even notice it and think he is weird. Im starting our divorce now and therapy helped me see that I CAN DO BETTER. 

Go find yourself and have a happy life, you deserve it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

checked_out said:


> I've also been in therapy on and off since the EA started. Both therapist I saw agreed that the EA partner was a creep but that staying in my marriage was a bad idea. Hoping to keep seeing my therapist to help navigate this difficult period.


Best of luck to you. It takes a strong person to do what you did. You have done well. Keep focused on the future and learn from this. You deserve of good life.


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## checked_out (Jan 13, 2013)

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support and constructive criticism.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I see no errors in your plan. Just a suggestion. Visit the new city first AND have a job set up before you move. Don't want to have you posting in a coping with homeless and unemployed forum a year from now.

Good travels to you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, at least you're headed in the right direction. Your first posting painted you in a very bad light. Separate first, then have the affair. At least that's the right order of things. I still think you are expecting too much from marriage, it takes alot of work and you can't expect to be in love every minute. And there is never, ever a reason to enter any affair while you are married and living together.


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## checked_out (Jan 13, 2013)

Thanks weightlifter I will. I'm actually planning on flying over there next week to check Seattle out. 

And Middleman, perhaps you are right. Maybe I was too young and immature for a relationship much less marriage. That's why I'm taking some time off to think and reflect on the experience. I still truly believe in the institution and sanctity of marriage when its done right. I should have left the relationship years ago, instead of getting married hoping the kinks would work themselves out. Hard lesson learned.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Good for you! If you do get a divorce:

I also want to caution you in the future about married men (the OM) who claim to be "divorced." Many people (any gender) will say they are divorced but are not legally divorced. 

My Brother married a "divorced" woman in a small chapel. They were able to get a county marriage license because she had different names. The official marriage certificate never was approved because she is still legally married.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I want to caution my fellow posters that we are only getting one side to this story. I'd also like to point out that the OP's initial post was vastly different than her subsequent posts. I have a gut feeling that there is a lot more here than meets the readers eye.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

You should have left him while you were still dating. You knew what he was like, (cybering with other girls etc) and yet knowing that, you STILL married him. If getting married to you did not open his eyes than I guess he never will. 

I think you should divorce your husband, it seems you love his as a PERSON but your heart is really not in it. Can you really imagine yourself in 20 years still with him? And having kids with him? If the answer is no, then it's time to leave. 

This doesn't mean having an EA is acceptable, oh he cheated so that justifys my affair- no, but like you said it's been an eye opener for you. Stop your affair NOW, get a divorce and then do so as you please. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

make yourself happy, dont expect your husband to do it for you (i think you are on the road to doing this, from your posts).

and like middleman said, i think perhaps you were expecting too much out of marriage. like my wife was. that everything would be all hunky dory and smooth sailing and problems are a thing of the past.
she was a little older than you when we married, but still young.
i wish she would have had the fortitude to take the appropriate steps, as you seem to be doing (with the exception of the EA), when she really began to feel neglected in our marriage. and maybe really sat me down and read me the riot act instead of meekly accepting it.
instead, she chose to betray me and our marriage every single day for almost two years.
so, i will give you that, at least.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My opinion is you have some maturing to do. You're right about the other side of the story, but I'm pretty sure your husbands side would read completely different from yours.

Good luck in the new city but I doubt that will quench your thirst to "find something better".


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

LOL. Seattle. Yea pick a HIGH cost city... Make sure you check out RENT!!! It will be an eye opener.


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