# I don't know what to do



## Frustratedbeyond2020 (9 mo ago)

A little background: My husband and I were married in 2020. We waited until marriage to have sex. The only thing he told me was he has a low sperm count so he can't have children or we would have to see a doctor before we try to get pregnant. I asked him if everything "works" down there and he said yes. I asked him about his sex drive. He said it will probably be very high in the beginning and then balance out.
After we got married he noticed I wasnt orgasming so he said he could probably last longer if we used condoms. That didn't help so he went to the doctor and got Viagra. He has high blood pressure and said the Viagra gave him a headache and made his heart feel weird so he only used it a couple times then stopped.

In the beginning we had sex once a week or every 2 weeks. It's been almost 2 years now. We're down to only having sex once a month if that. He used to go down on me every now and then but in the past year he's only done it once when I asked. He used to give me different excuses for why he didn't want to have sex (tired, sleepy, stress, midlife crisis) but I notice he always says he doesn't understand why I want it so much because "you don't like it anyway". I've never told him I don't like it. I always act understanding when he apologizes for coming too fast. I've orgasmed twice in the year and a half that we've been married. At this point I'm not sexually attracted to him but sex is important to me. I don't want to cheat on him. I tried toys (by myself) but they just don't feel the same. He's against toys and porn. I've tried initiating only to get turned down. I shower every night, shave regularly, we sleep in the same bed every night. I asked him to get his testosterone checked but he claims it's to expensive. He only has sex with me when I make a big deal after it's been a couple months and it feels like he's doing it just to get it over with so ofcourse I don't get into it. I just don't know what else to do. I can't continue to go on like this. Please help


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> A little background: My husband and I were married in 2020. We waited until marriage to have sex. The only thing he told me was he has a low sperm count so he can't have children or we would have to see a doctor before we try to get pregnant. I asked him if everything "works" down there and he said yes. I asked him about his sex drive. He said it will probably be very high in the beginning and then balance out.
> After we got married he noticed I wasnt orgasming so he said he could probably last longer if we used condoms. That didn't help so he went to the doctor and got Viagra. He has high blood pressure and said the Viagra gave him a headache and made his heart feel weird so he only used it a couple times then stopped.
> 
> In the beginning we had sex once a week or every 2 weeks. It's been almost 2 years now. We're down to only having sex once a month if that. He used to go down on me every now and then but in the past year he's only done it once when I asked. He used to give me different excuses for why he didn't want to have sex (tired, sleepy, stress, midlife crisis) but I notice he always says he doesn't understand why I want it so much because "you don't like it anyway". I've never told him I don't like it. I always act understanding when he apologizes for coming too fast. I've orgasmed twice in the year and a half that we've been married. At this point I'm not sexually attracted to him but sex is important to me. I don't want to cheat on him. I tried toys (by myself) but they just don't feel the same. He's against toys and porn. I've tried initiating only to get turned down. I shower every night, shave regularly, we sleep in the same bed every night. I asked him to get his testosterone checked but he claims it's to expensive. He only has sex with me when I make a big deal after it's been a couple months and it feels like he's doing it just to get it over with so ofcourse I don't get into it. I just don't know what else to do. I can't continue to go on like this. Please help


Your husband is full of lame excuses. Even if the T test were expensive, isn't it worth it to make things better with your wife? In reality for around $200 you can get a full male hormone panel without insurance. Viagra tends to lower BP, but it could be the source of headaches. There are options though, like Cialis.

How old are you guys and what drove your decision to not have sex until marriage? Is it your religious views?

Even if he can't perform well he could help you. I have no problem breaking out a toy and using it on my wife if she hasn't gotten off yet. He is struggling to set aside his ego I think. Also, if waiting till marriage was driven by religion he may have some sexual hang-ups related to religion. There really is no reason for that. Once you are married it is hard to do anything "wrong" so long as sex is kept between the husband and wife.

Your husband needs to understand that sex isn't just about getting you, or him, off. There is an emotional connection that happens with that intimacy.

Here is a link to a Christian based site that deals with sex, intimacy and communication with a lot of useful information. I suggest you take some time to read the material there and maybe get some more advice here.







Sex Drive Archives - Uncovering Intimacy







www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry, your husband does not want to have sex with you. You've wasted a year and a half on a sexless marriage. Get out now before there is an 'oops' baby and you're stuck for 20 years.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sorry you’re in this situation, OP. It could be that you’re both not sexually compatible and like Blondilocks posted, you need to consider how the future may look if you remain in a marriage where sexual intimacy isn’t happening. There are a lot of stories like yours on this site that you should read through that basically show couples going decades without sexual intimacy because they were in your situation early on, but thought things would somehow get better.

You could see a marriage counselor/sex therapist, not sure if that would change anything.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> We waited until marriage to have sex. The only thing he told me was he has a low sperm count so he can't have children or we would have to see a doctor before we try to get pregnant. I asked him if everything "works" down there and he said yes. I asked him about his sex drive. He said it will probably be very high in the beginning and then balance out.


You knowingly married someone who’s value and priority of sex was very low. 

Anyone who is comfortable and ok with not having sex before marriage and goes on about their day doing nonsexual things, will continue to not value sex and be ok not having sex after marriage.

Now yes there are people with religious convictions about waiting until after marriage to have intercourse.

But the difference between someone with a healthy libido and interest is sex is they will be climbing the walls and having a hard time keeping their hands off of each other and will be trying to move the wedding date up and many will be doing everything else but actual PIV such as oral and giving each other a hand and some will even have anal intercourse. 

But someone who is perfectly comfortable and ok with not having sex before marriage will also not have much or any interest after marriage.

Even hot and horny couples that do it several times a day and can’t keep their hands off of each other will slow down and settle in to a routine after a couple years. 

For people that had no genuine burning desire to begin with, after a couple years you might as well stick a fork in it. 

You married a sexual dud. 

If you want to have a robust and satisfying sex life, it will have to be with someone else.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> I just don't know what else to do. I can't continue to go on like this. Please help


Is not you that have to do anything, is HIM! having said that the only thing that you can do is leave the relationship. He's not going to change. As a matter of fact as time passess and he gets older, it will be worse, His health problems will get worse. His frequency to have sex will get longer and longer, until no more sex. Before you know it your youth (if you are young) will be gone, and life passed you by with no children (if that's what you want) and no sex.

So, what do you do? YOU LEAVE, NOW.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your husband is full of lame excuses. Even if the T test were expensive, isn't it worth it to make things better with your wife? In reality for around $200 you can get a full male hormone panel without insurance. Viagra tends to lower BP, but it could be the source of headaches. There are options though, like Cialis.
> 
> How old are you guys and what drove your decision to not have sex until marriage? Is it your religious views?
> 
> ...


Great link. Going to share those with my wife. Thanks


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> I just don't know what else to do.


Though this must be a terrible disappointment.

One thing for sure instead of wasting your time going down the path of wasting more time and money on trying to get your husband to fix your shared sex life.

You would do well to realise, that all of his actions are that of a man who has little interest at all, in sharing a better sex life with you. Since if he actually did want to make your shared sex life better, it already would be so by now.

So given the reality you actually face, you ought to end your marital relationship with him as soon as it can be done. Since there are far healthier things to do with your life, versus choosing to walk around with a dead stinking albatross wrapped around your neck.

Oh and I concur with @Blondilocks, do yourself another favour and don't get pregnant by him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s obviously not working and unfortunately it’s not likely to work. You can stay and invest more time and energy in him hoping he’ll change or you can accept reality and rebuild your life without him.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> I asked him to get his testosterone checked but he claims it's to expensive.


I assuming the testosterone test is much cheaper than a divorce.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Tell him you love him, care about him, and want this to work, but you have sexual needs..... I can tell you from personal experience that low testosterone kills a sex drive like water kills fire. My wife would push her big milk cannons right in my face and I got really nothing from it. She sat me down and said something is very off and I have noticed our sex life over a couple of years has gone from great to boring and dull, please see the doctor or please tell me what is going on with us.

My testosterone was in the toilet at 177 before the age of 40. Roughly 6 weeks after starting treatment, I struggle to keep my hands off of her 😁. She sometimes needs a couple of days to recover to get feeling back lol.

But anyway, if he really cares about you and this marriage. He will work on figuring out what is going on.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> But anyway, if he really cares about you and this marriage. He will work on figuring out what is going on.


He may just "tell" her he does though as my wife says she cares about our marriage all the time yet has done nothing to improve it and blames me for wanting sex.

Not wanting to talk about me but just stating that OP's hubby has to actually DO something to prove he wants to make a change and not just SAY he cares about the marriage. Just like how your wife pushed you to go to the doctor as SHE wanted the change as well and so did YOU.

I get the feeling the OP's hubby is not like that. For her sake, I hope I am wrong.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

It's about actions, not words.

He'll either take steps, real steps, to address and work on this for himself and for you... or he won't.

He'll see a doc and get blood work done,.

He'll make changes to his diet and he'll exercise more (both great ways to help lower blood pressure).

If he's stressed, he'll make changes to deal with and lessen his stress. I mean, stress is a huge thing and it's well known, there are tons of articles and so much info online as this is a big well know issue in life so if he wants or needs to deal with his stress better, he will do that.

Talk is cheap as we all know.

Tell him that you will "listen" to his actions regarding this.


OP,

What you really need to think about is what you will do if he choose NOT to work on and address his issues.

Please don't cheat. If this is a deal breaker for you, make an exit plan. It would be a deal breaker for me.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Definitely some unanswered questions could be helpful. 
Ages? If young, then something is definitely not right. 
Health? Overweight? Sounds like he has some health problems. 
Waiting until marriage use to be ok, but in today's world, should test drive, before 
you buy something you do not like. 
This is a slippery slope, where cheating can occur or can't take it anymore and just leave.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The main problem here is he doesn’t care. You told him there is a problem and he’s not trying to fix it.

You may need to think about if you want to remain in a relationship like that.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> A little background: My husband and I were married in 2020. We waited until marriage to have sex. The only thing he told me was he has a low sperm count so he can't have children or we would have to see a doctor before we try to get pregnant. I asked him if everything "works" down there and he said yes. I asked him about his sex drive. He said it will probably be very high in the beginning and then balance out.
> After we got married he noticed I wasnt orgasming so he said he could probably last longer if we used condoms. That didn't help so he went to the doctor and got Viagra. He has high blood pressure and said the Viagra gave him a headache and made his heart feel weird so he only used it a couple times then stopped.
> 
> In the beginning we had sex once a week or every 2 weeks. It's been almost 2 years now. We're down to only having sex once a month if that. He used to go down on me every now and then but in the past year he's only done it once when I asked. He used to give me different excuses for why he didn't want to have sex (tired, sleepy, stress, midlife crisis) but I notice he always says he doesn't understand why I want it so much because "you don't like it anyway". I've never told him I don't like it. I always act understanding when he apologizes for coming too fast. I've orgasmed twice in the year and a half that we've been married. At this point I'm not sexually attracted to him but sex is important to me. I don't want to cheat on him. I tried toys (by myself) but they just don't feel the same. He's against toys and porn. I've tried initiating only to get turned down. I shower every night, shave regularly, we sleep in the same bed every night. I asked him to get his testosterone checked but he claims it's to expensive. He only has sex with me when I make a big deal after it's been a couple months and it feels like he's doing it just to get it over with so ofcourse I don't get into it. I just don't know what else to do. I can't continue to go on like this. Please help


You have come to the right place. You do not want this marriage to turn into a roommate situation, that is very soul-crushing to the one that has sexual feelings for the one that is more content just going to sleep at night. So let’s get started, first off Viagra isn’t all that is advertised to be. Yes it can be a good place to start but for you two perhaps you would more benefit from something like Cialis that is taken daily. Also for me the best ED pill was Levitra. As far as his actual desire for you now that’s something you will have to figure out with him. Do get his T levels checked, also how is his overall physical condition? Get that done then have a long talk about what you want from him and what/when you need it. Early problems can lead to life long frustrations. You don’t want that. Also do not let yourself think his ED is because of anything you did, it is NOT. One more thing until you can figure something out that really works for you two, I would not do anything over the top (like dress up as one of those stupid angels). That is also extremely painful for you, if you don’t get the response you want. ED is always treatable, but it won’t fix desire.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> A little background: My husband and I were married in 2020. We waited until marriage to have sex. The only thing he told me was he has a low sperm count so he can't have children or we would have to see a doctor before we try to get pregnant. I asked him if everything "works" down there and he said yes. I asked him about his sex drive. He said it will probably be very high in the beginning and then balance out.
> After we got married he noticed I wasnt orgasming so he said he could probably last longer if we used condoms. That didn't help so he went to the doctor and got Viagra. He has high blood pressure and said the Viagra gave him a headache and made his heart feel weird so he only used it a couple times then stopped.
> 
> In the beginning we had sex once a week or every 2 weeks. It's been almost 2 years now. We're down to only having sex once a month if that. He used to go down on me every now and then but in the past year he's only done it once when I asked. He used to give me different excuses for why he didn't want to have sex (tired, sleepy, stress, midlife crisis) but I notice he always says he doesn't understand why I want it so much because "you don't like it anyway". I've never told him I don't like it. I always act understanding when he apologizes for coming too fast. I've orgasmed twice in the year and a half that we've been married. At this point I'm not sexually attracted to him but sex is important to me. I don't want to cheat on him. I tried toys (by myself) but they just don't feel the same. He's against toys and porn. I've tried initiating only to get turned down. I shower every night, shave regularly, we sleep in the same bed every night. I asked him to get his testosterone checked but he claims it's to expensive. He only has sex with me when I make a big deal after it's been a couple months and it feels like he's doing it just to get it over with so ofcourse I don't get into it. I just don't know what else to do. I can't continue to go on like this. Please help


Short version is if you don't experience a change immediately time to let bait and switcher go.

There apparently has been plenty of communication over sufficient time. Accept what you're observing. Abandon ship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> At this point *I'm not sexually attracted to him* but sex is important to me.





Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> *I've orgasmed twice* in the year and a half that we've been married.





Frustratedbeyond2020 said:


> I just don't know what else to do. I can't continue to go on like this.


You don't mention your ages. Not that it really matters, but gather that he has some health issues like hypertension and weight which will destroy any libido he might have otherwise. And if he is taking some hypertension meds or nitrates he really shouldn't take Viagra. The thing is, if he cared, he would have been to see a doctor about it to get it fixed.

But you asked him before marrying if "everything worked", and he essentially lied to you. In a year and a half he has done exactly zero about his problem.

The "thing" you can do, especially since you aren't sexually attracted to him is summarized in one word. Get an annulment or a divorce. Whichever is easier, cheaper, quicker. A year and half are too much to waste,



Personal said:


> You would do well to realise, that all of his actions are that of a man who has little interest at all, in sharing a better sex life with you. Since if he actually did want to make your shared sex life better, it already would be so by now.





Personal said:


> Oh and I concur with @Blondilocks, do yourself another favour and don't get pregnant by him.





FloridaGuy1 said:


> OP's hubby has to actually DO something to prove he wants to make a change and not just SAY he cares about the marriage


He hasn't cared in a year and half. After lying about his abilities before the marriage. What is required to get an annulment?


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## Frustratedbeyond2020 (9 mo ago)

Defhero said:


> Definitely some unanswered questions could be helpful.
> Ages? If young, then something is definitely not right.
> Health? Overweight? Sounds like he has some health problems.
> Waiting until marriage use to be ok, but in today's world, should test drive, before
> ...


I'm in my early 30s. He's in his mid 40s. We waited until marriage for religious reasons. We never even held hands before marriage. I thought he just had really good self control but apparently he just lacks desire. Oh and he's average height, a little over weight but not over 200 lbs


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