# Is verifying my wifes whereabouts stalking?



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

I believe my wife of 19 years (together for 23 yrs) is involved in an "emotional affair". She has been good friends with this guy she met at work (she's a bar tender) for about 18 months now. It started out as just casual acquaintances... he'd come into the bar for a couple beers... Then he would buy her a drink after work and they would have extended conversations. It has been getting progressively worse from then on. 

I went through a depression last year when I lost my job through downsizing, and withdrew into myself, which in turn kind of forced her into finding emotional support elsewhere and she chose this guy (and his family/ friends) for support.

I'm over my depression, found new employment equal to previous, and I'm desperately trying to reconnect with my wife. Problem is, I believe this emotional affair has progressed too far.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/41613-23-years-out-window.html

Lately she's been making excuses to see him more and more... this has caused a HUGE rift in our otherwise happy life. she's lying to me about where she is, but also see's him in other social instances. Its like this guy is taking over my life!

So here's my question... is me driving by his house to verify my wife's whereabouts considered stalking? I never make contact. I just wanna know where she is.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If you were following him I would say your stalking but checking your wife's whereabouts is not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No, but what you are doing is not the most efficient way to check and will not help you either. They could be in a hotel if they wanted to .


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> No, but what you are doing is not the most efficient way to check and will not help you either. They could be in a hotel if they wanted to .


You misunderstand. They are not having a physical (sexual) relationship or at least I don't think so. It is purely an emotional affair... I know this guy- he's about as asexual as they come! (2 failed relationships because he's just not interested in sex what-so-ever). I think that is one of the things that attracts Mrs. Jilted-Canadian to him... he is "safe". :scratchhead:


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

PA or EA - her choosing to be with him instead of her husband is crossing a boundary.

Husbands and wives should always be each others first and top priority. 

I would think that after a long shift tending the bar - your wife would be tired and want to get out and home. 

And just because his past relationships failed due to his not being into sex - that doesn't mean he isn't hooking up with your wife. He could by the kind of guy who only gets into it before the boring committed phase, or your wife could decide to help him over his problem.


----------



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I wouldn't consider it stalking, no, but be careful not to go crazy over it. Driving by the house once a day might turn into once an hour, and it might progress to even worse behavior that _would _be considered stalking.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to drop a VAR into her car - you might pick up their "talking"


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If that guy is asexual, should an emotional affair bother you?
How sure are you about this guy, has she told you?


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> If that guy is asexual, should an emotional affair bother you?
> How sure are you about this guy, has she told you?


Absolutely it should bother me... she's choosing to spend her emotional energy with someone OTHER than her husband.

And yes, they have both admitted that they are each other's very good friend. He is known to me, and he has 2 failed marriages due to his lack of sex drive (from what his XW's have told me...) Is it possible they are intimate. Of course it is... I just don't think they are, but I could be wrong...


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Absolutely it should bother me... she's choosing to spend her emotional energy with someone OTHER than her husband.
> 
> And yes, they have both admitted that they are each other's very good friend. He is known to me, and he has 2 failed marriages due to his lack of sex drive (from what his XW's have told me...) Is it possible they are intimate. Of course it is... I just don't think they are, but I could be wrong...


That's why it could be a PA! 
I think it would be advisable to try better methods rather than snooping it yourself physically. There are posts about it.
Can you discuss the issue with your wife?
If not, monitor for some time. 
How was her attitude towards you and relaionship recently? Did you notice any changes?

The fact that you already did a bit of detective work indicates that your gut feeling says something is off the track.

So, you should play normal, collect evidences to see if there is an affair. Take care.

No anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

And quit posting different threads for everything. Stick to one so we will know where to find you!!!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You stopped swinging but your wife didn't. Your only cnance of snapping her out of the fog is to file divorce papers. Sounds like the worst possible job for a mother. Just more barfly behavior. 
Your in an open marriage and shes trying to blame it on her past.

BTW kick the other mans ass.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked her text messages, phone and emails?


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Have you checked her text messages, phone and emails?


Her Blackberry is under constant supervision, and password protected. She doesn't use a computer.


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

chapparal said:


> You stopped swinging but your wife didn't. Your only cnance of snapping her out of the fog is to file divorce papers. Sounds like the worst possible job for a mother. Just more barfly behavior.
> Your in an open marriage and shes trying to blame it on her past.
> 
> BTW kick the other mans ass.


We aren't swingers. I said we experimented with it a few years ago and had very specific rules with regards to it. (And it wasn't swapping, she wanted to try out another woman... )


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ever heard of gfs cheating with their gay best friend and the gay best friend turning out to be a bi-sexual?


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> And quit posting different threads for everything. Stick to one so we will know where to find you!!!


Sorry... new here and since they are different subjects, I wasn't sure if I should use the same thread or a new one... :slap:


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> How was her attitude towards you and relationship recently? Did you notice any changes


Whole story is here: 23 years- out the window....


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> We aren't swingers. I said we experimented with it a few years ago and had very specific rules with regards to it. (And it wasn't swapping, she wanted to try out another woman... )


She trying out somebody. Who's name is the phone in?

You need to file, she has no known boundaries. She's lying so much, even switching cars, to fool you. Her whole life has become a secret. She either has a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You can hang with her as long as you can stand it or you can try to save your family.

Number one the bartending job has to go. Hell, anyone knows that.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't particularly see a reason to lie and be at his house if it was just a emotional relationship. The asexual thing was told to you by your wife right?


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I don't particularly see a reason to lie and be at his house if it was just a emotional relationship. The asexual thing was told to you by your wife right?


No... it was told to me by HIS ex-wives. Both of them.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I don't particularly see a reason to lie and be at his house if it was just a emotional relationship. The asexual thing was told to you by your wife right?


The guys ex wives supposedly. He was probably banging someone else instead ot them.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> No... it was told to me by HIS ex-wives. Both of them.


Means nothing.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

asexual or some sort of sexual deviant? How do you know these ex-wives?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife accusing your of stalking?


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Is your wife accusing your of stalking?


Not legally no. But when she lies about her whereabouts and I check, she says I'm stalking her. I am guessing she's using that as an excuse to deflect blame, because she's just been caught in a lie.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What was her reasons to lie?

One more possibility is a 3rd party that is an acquaintance of this Bert and his sister? And Bert is enabling the affair between the two. Bert might well as be a red herring. maybe the number she has under Bert is not actually Bert?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

When people have nothing to hide they hide nothing. The fact that you are constantly catching her in lies is sending you a clear message. She is lying to you because she is hiding something. I am sure that your wife would be quite fine with you hanging out at night with a good female asexual friend at her home and of course lying about it.......NOT.

She is a bartender who hangs out with another man after work late at night and continues to lie to you about it. It does not sound like you have much of a marriage. What are you getting remaining in this so-called marriage of yours?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Not legally no. But when she lies about her whereabouts and I check, she says I'm stalking her. I am guessing she's using that as an excuse to deflect blame, because she's just been caught in a lie.


If she is using that word then you have to be careful. She is escalating to a very bad place.

The fact that she is lying and hiding things from you is enough for you take action.

IMHO you should treat this as an affair, either she ends her relationship with his guy, gives you 100% transparency (gives you the password to her cell and lets you check anytime you want) and spends at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things with you, tells you where she is and does not complain if you check… then it’s divorce time.

It is completely inappropriate that she spend a large amount of time with another man. It would be wrong if she did it just with a female friend as well. A spouse needs to be sensitive to the other’s needs and those things that cause distresss.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I just was thinking if she went lesbian?(Bert's sister or someone in the friend's circle)


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You might want to drop a VAR into her car - you might pick up their "talking"


Or other "noises"


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jilted-canadian said:


> her blackberry is under constant supervision, and password protected. She doesn't use a computer.


big red flag


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Ever heard of gfs cheating with their gay best friend and the gay best friend turning out to be a bi-sexual?


There was a thread recently where the woman ended up giving up her family and went to NYC rather than end her affair with her supposed gay friend.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

File for divorce and see her reaction when she's served. That will tell you all you need to know.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> There was a thread recently where the woman ended up giving up her family and went to NYC rather than end her affair with her supposed gay friend.


Did she go? I haven't seen anything else on that thread.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jilted,

You are deep in the fog. Time to wake up. Everything points to a physical affair except your wishful thinking about something two of his ex-wives said about OM not wanting sex much. They married him, two of them, separately - he must have shown an interest in sex at some point in those relationships, maybe not near the end of those marriages, but probably in the beginning he did.

It seems you are looking for the magic bullet, the simple magic words you can say to get your wife back to where you think your marriage was 18 months ago. Most likely, she did not feel the same way as you even 18 months ago. No matter, the events of the last 18 months cannot be undone. There are no magic words.

ALL WORDS FROM HER ARE LIES. BELIEVE ONLY HER ACTIONS.

She has been lying to you for a long time, going to fairly elaborate lengths to conceal her whereabouts. She sees the OM regularly. She excludes you from their gatherings. YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM GOING OUT WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. They all know what is going on. You don't.

You will not be able to begin to deal with this properly until you have the truth. Driving by the outside of other people's homes where your wife is welcome and you are not will never get you the truth. If your wife refuses to give you the truth after all you have been through together for 23 years, if she has that little respect for you after all this time, then you must initiate the divorce. Then, you MAY get some truth out of her. But what you have done in the past and what you are doing now has not worked and will not work.

Time to wake up and get out of the fog and begin to deal with this.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How do you take things from OM, OMxW- as true?
Wont you verify? In any case, you started verifying your W's whereabouts?
Aren't you really confused about the whole thing?
Come to senses, dear!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> You misunderstand. They are not having a physical (sexual) relationship or at least I don't think so. It is purely an emotional affair... I know this guy- he's about as asexual as they come! (2 failed relationships because he's just not interested in sex what-so-ever). I think that is one of the things that attracts Mrs. Jilted-Canadian to him... he is "safe". :scratchhead:


You have allowed your wife to go out on dates with other men and in general to have a dual life outside of her marriage. She absolutely is in a sexual relationship with someone, probably Bert and likely others. 

I have no idea why you went along with any of this. You came off as very weak. This started iff wrong when you were ok with her haveing guys friends that she hung out with after work. All the rest of this is just playing out that life style.

You really have no reason to stalk snoop on your wife at all. You know what has been going. She has been Inappropriate for a while with your blessing. You have caught her being unfaithfil to you as she lied to you time and again. She is lying to you and hanging out at other men's homes so she can have sex with them.

Move on. Learn from it. Remember you were ok with all of this. You may want to change tyat attitude. Neither of you guys have any boundaries.

That said, it really does not matter wheyher she banged Bert or not but yes she does do that with him. All of the rest means you have no marriage.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> No... it was told to me by HIS ex-wives. Both of them.


He banged them at least once or twice. He may not be into sex AFTER marriage. he is into your wife though and she is into him. he may really dig have sex with another man's wife. So if they are having sex and he is not really into it, is that ok?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Not legally no. But when she lies about her whereabouts and I check, she says I'm stalking her. I am guessing she's using that as an excuse to deflect blame, because she's just been caught in a lie.


She is saying you have no right to care what she does with whom she wants when she wants. Is that ok?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Her Blackberry is under constant supervision, and password protected. She doesn't use a computer.


Doesn't matter if its password protected.

What you do is download and install Blackberry Desktop Manager, and back up the blackberry. Then you download and install ABC Amber Blackberry converter. You can then recover all her text messages.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Jilted-canadian said:


> So here's my question... is me driving by his house to verify my wife's whereabouts considered stalking? I never make contact. I just wanna know where she is.


based on this question, yes you are stalking due to the fact you are driving by someone else's home (repeatedly??) to look at the activity of a strangers home. Your wife might not even be there, but due to your emotional state you want to check yourself. 

your wife is gonna do what she is gonna do, the only thing you control is how you respond. And responding in a stalkish manner is weak and pathetic. And although you are hurting inside, you must get back on your feel and respond in a responsible, adult way which shows you have some value towards yourself. best of luck.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> I wouldn't consider it stalking, no, but be careful not to go crazy over it. Driving by the house once a day might turn into once an hour, and it might progress to even worse behavior that _would _be considered stalking.


how is going out of your way to check on a house not stalking (with a fair assumption that this has happenend more that once)??


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its stalking to your wife because you are exposing her lies/affairs. Its simply verifying her wherea bouts to you. She's unfaithful for sure and almost certainly having an emotional/physical affair with someone. Ask her to leave, but in any event get a divorce so you can find a real wife unless she comes around.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> based on this question, yes you are stalking due to the fact you are driving by someone else's home (repeatedly??) to look at the activity of a strangers home. Your wife might not even be there, but due to your emotional state you want to check yourself.
> 
> your wife is gonna do what she is gonna do, the only thing you control is how you respond. And responding in a stalkish manner is weak and pathetic. And although you are hurting inside, you must get back on your feel and respond in a responsible, adult way which shows you have some value towards yourself. best of luck.


I think he knows his wife is being unfaithful so I agree this is absurd. However, the term stalking has a connotation that he has no right to survey the situation. I have no sympathy for the AP. If they choose to be complicit in the wife's unfaithfulness then they get what they get. They are not an innocent party in this. So call it stalking or whatever. It would be stalking if they were divorced and he continued this.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> how is going out of your way to check on a house not stalking (with a fair assumption that this has happenend more that once)??


 Checking on your wife's whereabouts is not stalking because she is your wife. No court would rule otherwise unless the wife had a restraining order, and even then it would not be considered stalking as long as he keep his distance. There is a legal definition to stalking and the cheater does not get to change that meaning just because they want to blame shift.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TRy said:


> Checking on your wife's whereabouts is not stalking because she is your wife. No court would rule otherwise unless the wife had a restraining order, and even then it would not be considered stalking as long as he keep his distance. There is a legal definition to stalking and the cheater does not get to change that meaning just because they want to blame shift.


Agreed.

You cant be stalking your wife unless you're separated. This is all part of her blameshifting to cover up her affair. Stop being so accomodating and end this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

So what if it IS stalking, she was lying you trusted your gut and found out the truth, that she was actually with another man behind your back. So know you know, what are you doing about it, sounds like you are just going about daily business hoping this is nothing very threatening. Draw your line in the sand, your W either wants to be in the marriage with you or not, if so then you will both do what it takes to get on the same page, do MC, no contact with other men, no lies. After you set your boundary, if she crosses then tell her good bye, have a good life, sayonnara.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jilted-canadian said:


> You misunderstand. They are not having a physical (sexual) relationship or at least I don't think so. It is purely an emotional affair... I know this guy- he's about as asexual as they come! (2 failed relationships because he's just not interested in sex what-so-ever). I think that is one of the things that attracts Mrs. Jilted-Canadian to him... he is "safe". :scratchhead:


Doesn't mean he won't sleep with her.

How many have looked at the OM and said there is no way she's cheating on me with that guy. I've posted on another thread, what they lack in the looks department, they make up big time in the making her feel like a goddess department.

And sometimes even a goddess will bestow some of her good fortune on a loyal follower.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am seriously considering if Humble Pie is trolling


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Doesn't mean he won't sleep with her.
> 
> How many have looked at the OM and said there is no way she's cheating on me with that guy. I've posted on another thread, what they lack in the looks department, they make up big time in the making her feel like a goddess department.
> 
> And sometimes even a goddess will bestow some of her good fortune on a loyal follower.


You guys are probably all right.

I caught her lying to me again last night, when she told me she was at "Sylvia's" house, and she was with "Bert" at a bar. I totally busted them, told her point blank, him or me, and she chose him. Will be seeking legal advice ASAP.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Move 50 % of any joints money to your account only today and cancel any joint ccs now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Doesn't matter if its password protected.
> 
> What you do is download and install Blackberry Desktop Manager, and back up the blackberry. Then you download and install ABC Amber Blackberry converter. You can then recover all her text messages.


Thanks Lord Mayhem! Gonna try that one tonight!

Does this work for deleted messages too? And can one back up a BB while it is password protected?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Her Blackberry is under constant supervision, and password protected. She doesn't use a computer.


heres your sign......


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah it's kind of stalky. But here's my point. There's no difference between guilt and your own presumption of guilt.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> I caught her lying to me again last night, when she told me she was at "Sylvia's" house, and she was with "Bert" at a bar. I totally busted them, told her point blank, him or me, and she chose him. Will be seeking legal advice ASAP.


 No reason to drop a VAR or to get info off of her phone or computer. She chose him. It is over. You must now do the 180 and move. File for divorce and only consider otherwise if she comes asking. Only if she really thinks you are moving on will she even consider committing to you again on terms that do not include other men in her life.

If she is OK with you moving on then it was over anyway you were just letting it die a slow death while losing all dignity and self respect.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So sorry this happened to you. Get half your money out now and cancel the credit cards like Shaggy says. Then pack your wife's clothes in garbage bags, put them on the front porch, call a keysmith to change the locks and keep her out of the house until she gets a court order to let her back in. Playing hardball with her is the only way to get through to her. And yes, get the Divorce underway asap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Now you have your answer. What woman would choose Burt over her husband and marriage if she was not banging this guy?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's a cheat and a liar. Nuff said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Thanks Lord Mayhem! Gonna try that one tonight!
> 
> Does this work for deleted messages too? And can one back up a BB while it is password protected?


I'm not sure, but you just hook up the blackberry to the computer via the data cable and the option the data cable. The option to back up the blackberry is in the desktop manager just like in iTunes. The password lock is just so you cannot access functions on the phone. It should be able to access deleted texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She has been pushing her limits so long, this might be her idea of a bluff. Bluff or not you need to see an attorney tomorrow. Ask her to leave and see what she does.

Do the 180, start working out, diet, new haircut, new clothes work on youirself and be a better man with or without her. Show her you will no longer be treated like a dog.

Here is a link to the 180. Read each step carefully. Some people think you have to become an angry jerk, the opposite is true.

The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm not sure, but you just hook up the blackberry to the computer via the data cable and the option the data cable. The option to back up the blackberry is in the desktop manager just like in iTunes. The password lock is just so you cannot access functions on the phone. It should be able to access deleted texts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When I try and connect with the device- it automatically asked for the password, so no dice.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jilted-canadian said:


> When I try and connect with the device- it automatically asked for the password, so no dice.


She just told you all you needed to know. Quit wasting time with the phone and pack her bags for her. Kick the b*tch out!


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

OK... so another update: I did confront the OM via e-mail, and politely but sternly told him to break off his relationship with my wife.

Wife said to me via BBM "Bert" has told her to stop contacting him, and he is finding a different bar to hang at- you guys are too much drama for me. (Uh huh... believe it when I see it)

I just responded with "That's his choice".

She responded with: "Its my choice as well" (Again, believe it when I see it... Please! :bsflag: was I born yesterday?)

I respond with: "Well that's your choice too then"

She: "yes it is. u win that part"
Me: Its not a competition. Its a 23 yr relationship
She: Well he can't be your excuse anymore
Me: He was never an excuse. I could care less about him, He's not married to me, YOU are. My issue is with you, and you chose him over me. and THAT choice was urs.
She: Either way- u made urself clear what u thot of me.
Me: Wrong again. I did however make it very clear what I thought of your behaviour.

I ended the BBM conversation after that.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well done. She tried to get you to act like the blame was yours and that you did wrong. Meanwhile sheis one lying and cheating.

Some have found it good to go dark at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit answering her calls and texts. Quit talking to her period. Where is she anyway? Why hasn't she come home?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> OK... so another update: I did confront the OM via e-mail, and politely but sternly told him to break off his relationship with my wife.
> 
> Wife said to me via BBM "Bert" has told her to stop contacting him, and he is finding a different bar to hang at- you guys are too much drama for me. (Uh huh... believe it when I see it)
> 
> ...


Go dark. Cut her out of your life and less this is how you want to live.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think he knows his wife is being unfaithful so I agree this is absurd. However, the term stalking has a connotation that he has no right to survey the situation. I have no sympathy for the AP. If they choose to be complicit in the wife's unfaithfulness then they get what they get. They are not an innocent party in this. So call it stalking or whatever. It would be stalking if they were divorced and he continued this.


I agree, stalking or watching is totally okay/understandable in this situation due to his wife's envolvement.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

TRy said:


> Checking on your wife's whereabouts is not stalking because she is your wife. No court would rule otherwise unless the wife had a restraining order, and even then it would not be considered stalking as long as he keep his distance. There is a legal definition to stalking and the cheater does not get to change that meaning just because they want to blame shift.


great point, backed up by some facts... i was looking at it from the perspective of the OM, his family, etc. who occupied the residence. As I posted, what if the wife wasn't even there (has no idea where she is), and he stalks continiously still... ?

But yes, I should have look at it from both perspectives, thanks


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I am seriously considering if Humble Pie is trolling


sorry Warlock, i am a bit new, what is trolling, what are you assuming I am doing? I just read people's situation, and comment, as I assume you do the same. I don't have a biased opinion, and all of my responses are not the same (leave her/file for divorce/she is in the wrong) boxed advice.


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Jilted-canadian said:


> OK... so another update: I did confront the OM via e-mail, and politely but sternly told him to break off his relationship with my wife.
> 
> Wife said to me via BBM "Bert" has told her to stop contacting him, and he is finding a different bar to hang at- you guys are too much drama for me. (Uh huh... believe it when I see it)
> 
> ...


23 yrs & She treated you that poorly ? My friend get some self-respect. she has been openly insulting you by choosing to continue sleeping with OM , & you are willing to stay with her ? Wait for sometime she will do it again with the same guy or a new guy .


----------



## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Are you sure they didnt have sex? you should get checked for STD's (not sure if anyone mentioned that).


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Quit answering her calls and texts. Quit talking to her period. Where is she anyway? Why hasn't she come home?


For all intents and purposes, I have. I will only communicate with her now for things OTHER than our relationship. (kids, household issues etc.)

After I confronted her and "Bert" and caught them at a bar and therefore my wife in yet another lie, I gave her an ultimatum, and went home. I wrote Bert an e-mail to end his relationship and explained the situation fully (I have a feeling my wife has been lying to him as well...). I then locked my wife out of the house. She came home a short while later... and we had a huge argument and she threatened to call the police since this was her home too... I replied, home is where the heart is, and your's is clearly with Bert. Go stay with him! 

She left... maybe she went to the police, maybe she went to Bert's IDK... but she came back 2 hours later. I still wouldn't let her in, and she slept in her car in the driveway.

The next morning I left for work, and I guess the kids let her in, but later she sent me that information about the affair being ended.

She's back home, for now. 

I'm doing the 180, and seeking legal advice.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do a hard 180. Follow the 180 rules to the letter. I'm sorry your kids got involved with this but if they are old enough to understand then you need to be open and honest with them as to why this happened and what might happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She must have left to his house only for him to kick her out for the drama.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Possibly. This is an ugly sitiation that seems to have been brewing for years. As much as I am against blaming th BS, in this instant I do feel his neglect of the situation has led to much of this drama. He should have put his foot down with her years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And be accused of being 'controlling' ?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> And be accused of being 'controlling' ?


Being accused of being controlling seems to be many husbands greatest fear nowadays, so much so that they are scared to c0ck block as they are supposed to, let their wives go on all night GNOs with their toxic friends to nightclubs/bars, and protect their marriage.

Better to be a doormat than be "controlling".


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> He should have put his foot down with her years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





warlock07 said:


> And be accused of being 'controlling' ?


Well the thing of it is, up until 18 months ago, everything was quite literally fantastic!

We were very much the perfect couple. Sure we had things that we did on our own, but even when we did, we were in constant contact via text/ BBM/ e-mail etc. We were VERY active sexually 5-7 times a week, (sometimes a couple times in one day), went on dates and dirty weekends, always shared everything etc. It wasn't until I lost my job, and went into a depression that things went south.

She had her GNO's and I had my BNO's but we always met at the end of the night to "reconnect".


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Well the thing of it is, up until 18 months ago, everything was quite literally fantastic!
> 
> We were very much the perfect couple. Sure we had things that we did on our own, but even when we did, we were in constant contact via text/ BBM/ e-mail etc. We were VERY active sexually 5-7 times a week, (sometimes a couple times in one day), went on dates and dirty weekends, always shared everything etc. It wasn't until I lost my job, and went into a depression that things went south.
> 
> She had her GNO's and I had my BNO's but we always met at the end of the night to "reconnect".


Boundaries. Inadequate boundaries do this. An EA will redirect people. It is chemical. There is much history re-writing.

In my opinion you were too trusting and neglectful long enough for her to seek attention elsewhere. 
Somehow she hangs out with bar friends after work. Not good.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> Well the thing of it is, up until 18 months ago, everything was quite literally fantastic!
> 
> We were very much the perfect couple. Sure we had things that we did on our own, but even when we did, we were in constant contact via text/ BBM/ e-mail etc. We were VERY active sexually 5-7 times a week, (sometimes a couple times in one day), went on dates and dirty weekends, always shared everything etc. It wasn't until I lost my job, and went into a depression that things went south.
> 
> She had her GNO's and I had my BNO's but we always met at the end of the night to "reconnect".


How long has she been bartending? This is one of the occupations a married person has absolutely no business in.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You are quickly moving into the realm of a cuckold. You are intimidated by her. You experimented (hored her out with rules of course). You allowed it, she has taken it from there. You need to read the other threads. They might help you gain a little perspective. They will also show you how your tactics will remove any self respect you have left. File for divorce. Your wife is a bar rag and likes the life. Dump her. Oh and watch the movie "barfly" with mickey Rourke and Faye Dunneway. It will awaken you to what your wife is.


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

chapparal said:


> How long has she been bartending? This is one of the occupations a married person has absolutely no business in.


13 years. Its never been an issue until now.


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

Initfortheduration said:


> YYou experimented (hored her out with rules of course). You allowed it, she has taken it from there.


Maybe I should have explained better. During the short period of time when we experimented with the "swinger lifestyle" we only added an extra female into the mix. There weren't any add'l men involved. She wanted to try a female and perhaps I should have discouraged it, but I had a fantasy I wanted to try as well... and since it was agreed upon by all concerned, it wasn't the issue.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*stalking* present participle of stalk (Verb)Verb: 1.Pursue or approach stealthily: "a cat stalking a bird".

2.Harass or persecute (someone) with unwanted and obsessive attention: "the fan stalked the actor".


It is very important to know what the definition of stalking is. There is an element of harassment in stalking. 

The OP needs to find out the legal definition of stalking in his state and make sure he is not breaking those laws.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> When I try and connect with the device- it automatically asked for the password, so no dice.


She has chosen the other guy. Why are you wasting your time on trying to get stuff off her phone?

Tell her that she needs to move out of the house. I forget if you have children or not. If so do not let her take the child(ren).

Spend your time moving on with your life. File for divorce NOW.

Stop obsessing about her NOW.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> I agree, stalking or watching is totally okay/understandable in this situation due to his wife's envolvement.


We need to be clear here... stalking is not the same as watching. Stalking is a form of harrassment that is against the law.

Stalking is never OK.

Watching is ok.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Now you are on the right track. You are forcing the situation. You would have been in limbo forever if you had let it go on.

When she sees you get serious about putting an end to her affair (by filing for divorce) she will either get serious about fixing your relationship or accept the divorce. If it's the latter, it's better to find out now rather than go through another 18 months of what she's put you through being no closer to getting anything resolved. Dragging these things out, negotiating, trying to reason with them does not work. Any normal person can see she went off the deep end with the way she's been acting. The fact that she can't see it tells you that she is in a fog. Standing up to her and refusing to play along with her nonsensical lies is the only way to snap her out of it.

Make sure you get out of the fog, too. She is not the same woman from 18-plus months ago. Deal with the woman she is now and see if you want to stay. The woman you thought she was 18-plus months ago most likely is gone, if she ever really did exist the way you believed she did.

Do not agree to reconcile with her unless she meets all of your conditions - truth and honesty, no contact, remorse, transparency.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jilted-canadian said:


> I then locked my wife out of the house. She came home a short while later... and we had a huge argument and she threatened to call the police since this was her home too... I replied, home is where the heart is, and your's is clearly with Bert. Go stay with him!


Unfortunately for you, you have no legal right to lock her out of the home. She is right, it is her home as well. If she does go to the police, they could decide to order you to leave the house because you are not allowing her access to her legal residence. If this happens she now has proof that you are abusive, can get a court ordered restraining order against you .This can also be used against you with child custody and visitation.
She has as much right to live in that house as you do. Neither of you can kick the other out and neither of you have the right to remove the children from the family home. It takes a court order to permanently remove one spouse from the family home. That court order usually does not come until the divorce is final and it is decided who will move out during the divorce settlement.

You need to see an attorney ASAP to find out your rights and the laws. Do this before you end up looking like the bad guy. Right now the law will look at you as the bad guy.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> We need to be clear here... stalking is not the same as watching. Stalking is a form of harrassment that is against the law.
> 
> Stalking is never OK.
> 
> Watching is ok.


Let me be clear, I meant okay/understable from a person's perspective who is in the situation. forget about the law, if my wife were cheating i would prob. due same thing


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Just stopping in to stalk this thread.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Just stopping in to stalk this thread.

I would have locked my wife out as well. Let the chips fall where they may. She spreading her legs for some other guy is a tad more serious in reality than her getting locked out. 

There are laws for all sorts of things. There are shades of gray with all of them. Locking a cheating woman out of the house is not on the same level with wife beating for example. A husband should be thrown in jail for that. Realize that for many men having their wife do this is the closest thing to rape for them. So the small humiliation a wife might feel when she realizes that her hubby is done with her pales in comparison to his feelings of betrayal. Let her go back to the OMs place. Her belongings would be on the front lawn and the house would be on the market soon enough.


----------



## Jilted-canadian (Mar 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The OP needs to find out the legal definition of stalking in his state and make sure he is not breaking those laws.


I have already spoken to the police. I live in Canada, and as explained to me, as a husband (we are not divorced, or even separated yet at this point), I have the right to know the whereabouts of my wife. As long as I am not harassing anyone, and just observing, checking, I am legally not stalking anyone.



EleGirl said:


> Tell her that she needs to move out of the house. I forget if you have children or not. If so do not let her take the child(ren).
> 
> Spend your time moving on with your life. File for divorce NOW.
> 
> Stop obsessing about her NOW.


I'm not obsessing any longer. I am doing the 180... I have asked her to leave, but she won't.



EleGirl said:


> We need to be clear here... stalking is not the same as watching. Stalking is a form of harrassment that is against the law.
> 
> Stalking is never OK.
> 
> Watching is ok.


See above reply.



EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately for you, you have no legal right to lock her out of the home. She is right, it is her home as well.


She was actually only locked out for a total of 2 hours. Even when she came back later that other night, I informed her via BBM that the patio doors were open. She came in the house to use the bathroom etc. and then left again to sleep in her car in the driveway.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Where's that other thread about the guy who's WW was a bartender and OM was a customer? He exposed the affair to the OMW and confronted the two of them at their hotel. Or was that a troll? seangar I think it was.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jilted, if your wife wants to play hardball and won't leave, then accommodate her wishes. 

Follow the 180 to a T. Do not deviate from it. Don't be a d*ck, but like the 180 describes you should be positive, cheerful but emotionally disconnected. Do not engage with her on any kind of emotional level. If she tries to goad you into a fight, turn around and walk away. From this day forward your wife gets none of the perks of marriage. If her car breaks down, let her get her own tow and mechanic. If she needs you to fix something of hers that is broken?... No dice. She gets NOTHING from you. 

Start simplifying your life. Get rid of all the old clothes, junk and detritus that you have been hanging onto and give them to charity or dump them. Start boxing up your personal possessions in the expectation that the house will someday be sold and you will be going your own way, and let her see you do it. If she asks why, ignore her. 

Buy new clothes, start getting in shape, stop drinking and eat right. Show her you are moving on without her. Do not invite her to join you for anything. Become a stranger to her. 

Do this for a month and see what she does. 

Oh, and do not tell her about the 180 or TAM. In fact don't tell her anything you are doing or planning. Let the divorce be a surprise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Remember this. Don't act spiteful. Don't act bitter. Just act if she is invisible.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Did she go? I haven't seen anything else on that thread.


She moved out and he stopped supporting her. Last I read she was trying to raise the money to still go.


----------

