# WH has had contact with OW, need advice



## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

I've discovered from monitoring text messages (unknown by WH) gps tracking and VAR that he has had contact with the OW. I am 99% sure because of my surveillance that it was not sexual. His former boss/"best buddy"/"brother" has always had him get things at a big discount from her work for him. I knew this before I knew about the affair and thought she was only a friend. The "best buddy" has tried to break us up in the past, his wife is best friends with WH's ex from a couple years before we met and he would like to see them back together. I intercepted a text from "best buddy" asking WH to get the discount for him. They then had a phone conversation I didn't hear, I'm assuming about this. Next day I had VAR in the truck and knew his plans for the day. Luckily when he left a neighbor was talking to him and asked the time and I watched his travels on gps so I know he met someone at a coffee shop before his first scheduled stop. I can't hear their voice, only a few things he says. Nothing incriminating, just can tell he met with someone and they were there for about 15 minutes. I can hear his music and him coughing the whole time, but not much is said that I can hear above the music anyway. I can tell for sure he wasn't talking to himself. After he left there and did his first errand he meets with someone again and I think it was "best buddy" to deliver. He tells me everything he does (or is supposed to) so I won't worry but he left out those two meetings. 
I caught him meeting with her two months ago for 15 minutes also. I had a feeling something was up and followed him when he went to do his laundry. He swore he was there to confront her because I had told him I heard rumors he was talking to her. It wasn't rumors but texts I thought were from or about her and I wanted to confront him without letting him know how I knew. He said I could ask her, so he took me to her and I did. I had not seen her since before I found out. She had a major attitude like I was the one in the wrong for being angry about the A. Seriously. She wouldn't confirm or deny why he was there. I was not thinking rationally enough to ask the right questions and basically went off about the past more than anything. Then I left and packed my stuff. WH was so convincing, and I'm not emotionally ready to be gone so I came back after a week. He had been doing everything else right up until that point. I figured he was probably running errands for "Best Buddy" and have been emotionally preparing myself to ask him for a polygraph, because everything really depends on that. I just need to be ready to do what I need to do in the case that he refuses or fails.
My question right now is, what do I do about knowing he is meeting her for his friend? If I confront him I'll blow my cover and won't be able to find out if more is going on. If I use the rumor story again he'll demand to know who the friend telling me is and want to confront them. I'm thinking of contacting her and telling her that I know they met Thursday morning and asking her again to stay away. I know she won't care, but if she contacts WH to tell him I know, maybe that will help in some way?? Or maybe she will stop helping his friend out because she doesn't want me bugging her? I don't know. It is not okay with me for them to have any contact but I know his "best buddy" has always been there for him and WH would never want to let him down. He would think as long as he's not doing anything else its okay.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I think best buddy needs to start getting his own discounts and skip the middleman.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does Cheaterville accept enablers of affairs? They can be as dangerous as an AP.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

I think "best buddy" is doing it on purpose. They've known each other since they were kids and he's bailed WH out of some major bad times including financing him to get his son back when his ex hightailed across the country with him leaving an empty apartment for WH to find when he went for his weekend visitation. So "best buddy" know WH would do anything for him and I know he wouldn't want to disappoint "best buddy" if he thinks its just short meet ups to get things and go. He has said no to "best buddy" for things like weekend fishing trips and parties knowing he needs to take care of us, but for some reason he thinks this is harmless and he can do it without me knowing or getting hurt.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

4myson said:


> I've discovered from monitoring text messages (unknown by WH) gps tracking and VAR that he has had contact with the OW. I am 99% sure because of my surveillance that it was not sexual. His former boss/"best buddy"/"brother" has always had him get things at a big discount from her work for him. I knew this before I knew about the affair and thought she was only a friend. The "best buddy" has tried to break us up in the past, his wife is best friends with WH's ex from a couple years before we met and he would like to see them back together. I intercepted a text from "best buddy" asking WH to get the discount for him. They then had a phone conversation I didn't hear, I'm assuming about this. Next day I had VAR in the truck and knew his plans for the day. Luckily when he left a neighbor was talking to him and asked the time and I watched his travels on gps so I know he met someone at a coffee shop before his first scheduled stop. I can't hear their voice, only a few things he says. Nothing incriminating, just can tell he met with someone and they were there for about 15 minutes. I can hear his music and him coughing the whole time, but not much is said that I can hear above the music anyway. I can tell for sure he wasn't talking to himself. After he left there and did his first errand he meets with someone again and I think it was "best buddy" to deliver. He tells me everything he does (or is supposed to) so I won't worry but he left out those two meetings.
> I caught him meeting with her two months ago for 15 minutes also. I had a feeling something was up and followed him when he went to do his laundry. He swore he was there to confront her because I had told him I heard rumors he was talking to her. It wasn't rumors but texts I thought were from or about her and I wanted to confront him without letting him know how I knew. He said I could ask her, so he took me to her and I did. I had not seen her since before I found out. She had a major attitude like I was the one in the wrong for being angry about the A. Seriously. She wouldn't confirm or deny why he was there. I was not thinking rationally enough to ask the right questions and basically went off about the past more than anything. Then I left and packed my stuff. WH was so convincing, and I'm not emotionally ready to be gone so I came back after a week. He had been doing everything else right up until that point. I figured he was probably running errands for "Best Buddy" and have been emotionally preparing myself to ask him for a polygraph, because everything really depends on that. I just need to be ready to do what I need to do in the case that he refuses or fails.
> My question right now is, what do I do about knowing he is meeting her for his friend? If I confront him I'll blow my cover and won't be able to find out if more is going on. If I use the rumor story again he'll demand to know who the friend telling me is and want to confront them. I'm thinking of contacting her and telling her that I know they met Thursday morning and asking her again to stay away. I know she won't care, but if she contacts WH to tell him I know, maybe that will help in some way?? Or maybe she will stop helping his friend out because she doesn't want me bugging her? I don't know. It is not okay with me for them to have any contact but I know his "best buddy" has always been there for him and WH would never want to let him down. He would think as long as he's not doing anything else its okay.


Talk to weightlifter and send him a private message. He is really good at cleaning up VAR audio files. If your husband wants to stay married, he needs to let dude know of the affair, tell him the contact is wrong and then stop being friends.

Why contact her? All that will do is giver her more power to control you relationship. She'll tell him and you will be back to the same place. It makes you look weak. You guys are married and he needs to decide who is the top propriety. 
He should already know, but sometimes people need to be reminded of that fact.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

Unfortunately, I already deleted the file. It was 15 hrs long and I had to make space to record a new day. I didn't even think of being able to clean up the audio, just thought I'd heard all I'd be able to. Darn. 
His friend knows about the affair. I told his wife when it happened, looking for support and outing WH as well. WH has told his friend he wants to work things out and keep his family together. Yet he still does these errands. I want to let him know I know its going on and try to see if he can get it finally that it is hurting our R even if its not physical contact with her. Just not ready to reveal my source yet.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

What I am considering is contacting her and letting her know I know she's met with him. And to tell her that if she continues to have contact with him I will expose her to her family and friends. She hasn't had that happen yet. I did expose WH to family and friends, but didn't want too many people knowing our business.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

4myson said:


> What I am considering is contacting her and letting her know I know she's met with him. And to tell her that if she continues to have contact with him I will expose her to her family and friends. She hasn't had that happen yet. I did expose WH to family and friends, but didn't want too many people knowing our business.


Don't warn her just do it.


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## Vulcanized (Aug 13, 2013)

*And to tell her that if she continues to have contact with him I will expose her to her family and friends.*

No, don't give the broad a chance to cover herself. Go nuclear on her. Expose to any & every one in her life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

4myson said:


> What I am considering is contacting her and letting her know I know she's met with him. And to tell her that if she continues to have contact with him I will expose her to her family and friends. She hasn't had that happen yet. I did expose WH to family and friends, but didn't want too many people knowing our business.


I am going to assume the boundaries have already been set. If so, she and your husband already had their chance. I'd let everyone know everything. That means your family, his family and her family if you didn't do it the first time. I've noticed that people want their marriage to work, so they keep it secret. Many of them end up right back here for another attempt of "what do I do, he/she still contacts the jerk."


Oh and I'd let the Bff have a piece my mind and a foot in his rear.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Definitely pm weightlifter to see how you can clean up audio from a var. you will have more soon. Stay vigilant. Confront when you are ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

And don't expose until you have enoigh evidence to back up your accusations. That is a must.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

From what you say, it seems like OW was more into your WH than the reverse. I also agree that he seems to be getting the discounts for his buddy and it doesn't seem like he wants to see her. A 15 minute meeting is nothing. It could be her trying to get him back. You also pointed out that he refuses weekend trips with the buddy in order to take care of your family.
Right now you are in a position of strength. Do not contact the OW because it would only give her more power as the previous poster said.
Just keep gathering evidence. So far it sounds like the buddy and the OW are trying to get your H into trouble, but it is not working! Too bad for these enemies of your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind that very likely, anything you tell her will sooner or later end up being told to your husband. Either directly (if she doesn't care about your threat) or indirectly (her to your husband's friend's wife to friend to husband). So if you're not ready to reveal, don't reveal.

Also keep in mind that the person who's not respecting boundaries is your husband. Nobody else. He's the one you need to focus on. He's the one that promised you "no contact". Everyone else are just players in their parts.

C


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Stay silent right now and keep monitoring. You need more evidence before confronting. 

The OW has nothing to do with this. Its your WH. He needs the consequences, not her. Talking to her does nothing only let her know that you are insecure and she is really a threat....which will up her game on trying to entice your WH. 

You WH needs to cut that toxic person from his life as well. He is not a friend to your marriage. CUT HIM!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

IF you wish, I take a crack at the var files to make the voice come out. Hopefully you recorded at 44Kbit or better. 

***Sounds like you have bigger instigators than your husband.*** And that is saying something when he cheated.

Sorry you are here.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Stay silent right now and keep monitoring. You need more evidence before confronting.
> 
> The OW has nothing to do with this. Its your WH. He needs the consequences, not her. Talking to her does nothing only let her know that you are insecure and she is really a threat....which will up her game on trying to entice your WH.
> 
> You WH needs to cut that toxic person from his life as well. He is not a friend to your marriage. CUT HIM!


I'm afraid I disagree with this.

The OW has everything to do with it. She knows exactly what she is doing and needs to be stopped - just as your husband does.

Change what you can and work with what you can't, but you can try to change the OW's behaviour at the same time as your WS.

Post her on Cheaterville first. Then expose her to anyone and everyone. Make it known that your husband is "your territory".

At the same time, give your husband consequences.

When I discovered my ex wife's affair, I went to confront the OM in person, then when I knew it had been physical contacted him directly and offered him direct consequences if he should ever contact my wife again. He didn't. I repeated this for the next 6 months - just a few times, but enough so that he knew he was on my radar. After that I caused him trouble with his personal life and at work, in addition to posting on Cheaterville. Not only did it feel darn good, it made sure he would not even speak to my wife again.

If you don't do something, you are accepting behaviour that should not be tolerated. Doing nothing is making an active choice to allow it to continue.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

The "best buddy" may be your husbands childhood friend, but he is no friend to the marriage...he needs to go. 

If your husband is being secretive and still meeting OW from time to time behind your back, he cannot be trusted and HE is the biggest azzhole. No point in screaming at the OW or getting angry about "best buddy"...your husband continues to lie (often by omission) and sneak around.

You seem to be the one working to maintain the marriage...you need to realize that this cannot be done alone...it takes 2 people to save a marriage. You husband keeps the "best buddy" and sneaks around to see the OW, regardless if he is still having sex with her...he hasn't changed anything since your discovered the affair.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If you can afford it get a better VAR. Mine can record 573 hours. The buddy has got to go. He is toxic.

Right now I am in R. My wife's middle sister is toxic. They finally talked again yesterday for quite a while. I don't know what they talked about and right now I don't care. I do know that in the past my SIL was involved in her A's and last year I have a recording of my wife and her sister laughing about the A.

Your h's buddy is toxic and should be gone, (IMO) no matter what he did for your H in the past. My SIL did a lot for my wife over the years but that does not make up for all the bad things she was involved with my wife in regards to other men.

I told my wife that she has a choice, her family or me. I said that I will no longer allow her family to be more important then me, which had been the case in the past. I told her I tolerated it because I knew it was important to her but what some of them did in supporting her in her A's is not unforgiveable, but I will be dam*ed if I will allow them back into my life. Forgiveness to me does not mean that I have to allow the offender access to my life. I can move on from those relationships.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

tulsy said:


> The "best buddy" may be your husbands childhood friend, but he is no friend to the marriage...he needs to go.
> 
> If your husband is being secretive and still meeting OW from time to time behind your back, he cannot be trusted and HE is the biggest azzhole. No point in screaming at the OW or getting angry about "best buddy"...your husband continues to lie (often by omission) and sneak around.
> 
> You seem to be the one working to maintain the marriage...you need to realize that this cannot be done alone...it takes 2 people to save a marriage. You husband keeps the "best buddy" and sneaks around to see the OW, regardless if he is still having sex with her...he hasn't changed anything since your discovered the affair.


Dear 4myson,

Listen to tulsy.

Your WH is regularly breaking his NC commitment. You think he is doing it for his BF but you don't really know what is going on between him and the OW. But, whether they are meeting for illicit purposes or only at the instigation of your WH's BF is irrelevant. All that matters is that he is violating his NC promise and continuing to see her.

You need to tell your WH that you know that he is continuing to see her and that, if it happens again, you are filing for divorce. You don't have to tell him how you know and shouldn't. If he demands to know, just say, "it's none of your business."

If he sees her again, file for divorce. Maybe this will wake him up to the seriousness of his continuing betrayal of you -- which is what it is -- in which case you can slow down or even drop the divorce and continue to work on R. If it doesn't, then divorce him because it means that he is not really committed to you and his marriage and you will never be able to trust him.

If he stops seeing her but you learn that his BF is still trying to destroy your marriage, at some point you will need to insist that he go NC with his BF. If he really cares about you and his marriage, he will do this. If he is not willing to, then it means that he values his relationship with his BF more than you and his marriage. If this happens, file for divorce again and repeat the process to learn what he wants more, to keep his BF or to keep you.

No spouse should stay in a marriage in which the other spouse values his or her relationship with a third person more than his or her marital relationship. Remember the vow, "forsaking _all_ others . . ." All means everyone: parents, siblings, BFs, bosses, colleagues, casual acquaintances, strangers and, of course, APs.

Stop giving your WH a free pass to continue to betray you and his family. Make him walk the line or make him walk.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I would just get my ducks in a row and make him walk. He has chosen his friend and this OW over you and the family how many times. He has shown you where you rank in his life. Send him on his way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Don't warn her just do it.


This. Do not give her any warning AT ALL WHATSOEVER (or him).

Read the links in my signature for more advice on how to do this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I have to agree with Carmen on this part. 



> If he sees her again, file for divorce. Maybe this will wake him up to the seriousness of his continuing betrayal of you -- which is what it is -- in which case you can slow down or even drop the divorce and continue to work on R. If it doesn't, then divorce him because it means that he is not really committed to you and his marriage and you will never be able to trust him.
> 
> If he stops seeing her but you learn that his BF is still trying to destroy your marriage, at some point you will need to insist that he go NC with his BF. If he really cares about you and his marriage, he will do this. If he is not willing to, then it means that he values his relationship with his BF more than you and his marriage. If this happens, file for divorce again and repeat the process to learn what he wants more, to keep his BF or to keep you.


No more chances or reiterating of no contact.
He broke no contact multiple times. He even took you to the woman to prove something, then promptly kept up the contact against your wishes. If you redo the same actions, he's going to keep thinking he can do what he wants in the marriage.

He is an adult, he can talk to anyone, be friends with anyone and break no contact as he likes. In a marriage that crap doesn't fly. So, I'd have downloaded divorce papers filled out and say 
"I know you two are still in contact, I also know your BFF sends you over there and I am not having it."
"I gave you your chance and you have decided to disrespect our marriage."
"Everything that you are doing is cool, if you are single, so here you go."
Then hand him the papers.

Don't let him blame the rumor mill, don't reveal your sources and walk out. Go see a movie, go to the mall or go for a walk in the park. Let him stew and go dark. Carmen is right, you can always stop the divorce if you see positive change. I just don't agree with the one more chance.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It's true that he broke No Contact but it doesn't seem like he is interested in this woman. If 4myson takes the drastic approach and serves divorce papers, I see the following scenario playing out:

WH to Buddy: I just don't get it! I was just dealing with some stuff for the purchase and I get served D papers! She doesn't care about me at all! I told her I don't care about OW. Why doesn't she believe me? What's going on??

Buddy to WH: Yeah man, she's hysterical. Drop her.

Then later OW comes back into the picture and adds her 2 cts.

If the WH is avoiding weekend trips to be with his family and acting remorseful, perhaps this should be enough for now. A 15 minute meeting in a public place with him coughing a lot is just not a big deal. Yes, he broke the no contact rules, but he really seems to love his family. The family is just starting out and it would be a shame to let other people, who are clearly ill-willed, (the buddy and the OW) destroy everything.

Currently, 4myson has her husband on her side. Serving papers or confronting him would cause a rift between 4myson and her H, thereby allowing the others to take advantage of the situation.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Omego said:


> It's true that he broke No Contact but it doesn't seem like he is interested in this woman. If 4myson takes the drastic approach and serves divorce papers, I see the following scenario playing out:
> 
> WH to Buddy: I just don't get it! I was just dealing with some stuff for the purchase and I get served D papers! She doesn't care about me at all! I told her I don't care about OW. Why doesn't she believe me? What's going on??
> 
> ...


That's great advice - except for the part where you started typing.

Breaking no contact is immensely disrespectful if nothing else. If is a sign that he doesn't "get it".

You either haven't been betrayed, or you are a troll - or both.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> That's great advice - except for the part where you started typing.
> 
> Breaking no contact is immensely disrespectful if nothing else. If is a sign that he doesn't "get it".
> 
> You either haven't been betrayed, or you are a troll - or both.


Wow, that's a really aggressive, insulting reply to my post. Nope, I'm not a troll.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Omego said:


> Wow, that's a really aggressive, insulting reply to my post. Nope, I'm not a troll.


I'm sorry you feel that way. I believe your advice, if taken, would have serious real life consequences for the OP. I don't want to threadjack, but I think it's important that the OP understands why I responded in the way I did.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> I'm sorry you feel that way. I believe your advice, if taken, would have serious real life consequences for the OP. I don't want to threadjack, but I think it's important that the OP understands why I responded in the way I did.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Omego said:


> It's true that he broke No Contact but it doesn't seem like he is interested in this woman. If 4myson takes the drastic approach


It might make him see how serious she is about this affair and no contact. Talking with him sure hasn't worked. 

He keeps gong back and texting about her, how is that not interested? He's an adult he can tell his best buddy No. If he can't, then maybe she needs to find someone else who can respect her.



> If the WH is avoiding weekend trips to be with his family and acting remorseful, perhaps this should be enough for now. A 15 minute meeting in a public place with him coughing a lot is just not a big deal. Yes, he broke the no contact rules, but he really seems to love his family. The family is just starting out and it would be a shame to let other people, who are clearly ill-willed, (the buddy and the OW) destroy everything.


Well he is serious, except for the two times he met his affair partner against her wishes. Destroy what? The continued lies? He isn't supposed to meet her at all. The end. You are minimizing his actions, that's why Chris was lol "aggressive." 

OP's WS had an AFFAIR with this woman. 
He has met her TWICE, after a promise of NO CONTACT. 
Both times he hid it from his wife.

Any PURPOSEFUL meeting, with a former affair partner, is a HUGE DEAL . Yes, even if it is "no big deal" to you because it is 15 minutes. The feelings do lift, but they can roll right back in during a bad situation.


> Currently, 4myson has her husband on her side. Serving papers or confronting him would cause a rift between 4myson and her H, thereby allowing the others to take advantage of the situation.


 There is a rift now. GPS and texts shows the two are still in contact. 

How is her husband on her side? I see the exact opposite.

Here's one:


> I caught him meeting with her two months ago for 15 minutes also.


This is two:


> I've discovered from monitoring text messages (unknown by WH) gps tracking and VAR that he has had contact with the OW.


This is three:


> It wasn't rumors but texts I thought were from or about her and I wanted to confront him without letting him know how I knew.


Three and a half:


> She wouldn't confirm or deny why he was there.


Four:


> It is not okay with me for them to have any contact but I know his "best buddy" has always been there for him and WH would never want to let him down. He would think as long as he's not doing anything else its okay.


 She found out TWICE, on her own, HE DIDN'T tell her. That's not on her side at all. Remember, he is supposed to report ALL actions, not the ones he thinks are necessary. Your spouse should NEVER make you feel like this at all. She feels that letting his best buddy down is more important than her wish for no contact which, IMO, is putting her second.

This is how it starts. They put out feelers, have occasional conversations and then people are posting about D-Day two.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

I can see both sides here, and suppose I am somewhere in the middle.

OP, it seems like your WH doesn't really "get" it. My WH has also been one that doesn't get it. I haven't had to deal with a NC issue, but have had to deal with other deal breakers with him. I felt like I had been clear with him, but he didn't believe me. A lot of that was my own fault because I was one who didn't follow through in the past, so why should he?

This is just my own personal experience, and maybe it doesn't apply, but this is what I see. It is really possible your WH feels stuck in between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, he wants to do as you have asked. On the other hand, he has toxic friend/boss telling him he has to do something too. Is he a people pleaser, someone who has a hard time saying no if he knows it will disappoint someone else? Mine is certainly this way. When he felt "stuck", he thought he could please everyone by doing what was asked of him and keeping me in the dark because it didn't mean anything and I wouldn't understand that. What he didn't get was loyalty to me, and honesty, is more important than making sure others wouldn't be disappointed. Sometimes, he can't have both. In those moments, he needs to decide which is more important and react accordingly.

In your situation, I don't know if filing for D is the best way to take a stand. As another poster commented, toxic friend may see this as his opening to make you look like the crazy, irrational one. You don't have to reveal your sources to tell him that you know he has met with her. My suggestion is to tell him you know he has seen her and let him "explain". Then make it clear to him that there is no situation where that is acceptable. Doesn't matter what toxic friend says or if he thinks it is required for his job. Simple question - which is more important? Your marriage or your job? If he chooses marriage, he needs to inform his friend he will no longer do that NOW, not when the situation arises again. Have him call or email in your presence. If he balks, that is when I'd file.

Most R's have moments where the WS really screws the pooch. This is a big WTF moment, bigger than most. I don't think it dooms you though. From the info you've given, I see your WH as someone who thinks they can juggle all these balls and keep everyone happy because he can control himself. He doesn't get that can't be done if he wants your marriage. Be simple and blunt, and I think he may get it. Mine finally did. Good luck to you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> I intercepted a text from "best buddy" asking WH to get the discount for him.


 4MS, can you clarify this for me? This is why I say present him with divorce papers. Is this a business discount or was it a perk from the affair?
Sorry, for asking, but it is an important distinction. If you don't know you should find out from your husband.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

No contact is no contact. If buddy is such a great friend then surely an introduction is enough.

Lies are unacceptable. If friend>wife you are toast anyway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the input. The different opinions are like listening to the voices in my head go back and forth on this. 



phillybeffandswiss said:


> 4MS, can you clarify this for me? This is why I say present him with divorce papers. Is this a business discount or was it a perk from the affair?
> Sorry, for asking, but it is an important distinction. If you don't know you should find out from your husband.


It was a business discount, something she's been doing since before the A began. Before WH and I met even. They were friends for years before we met. I still haven't decided what to do. I'm thinking maybe I will expose her to her family and maybe that will discourage her. I'm also going to let WH know I know, but not sure if I want him figuring out VAR just yet.

In other news one of the other APs (there were 3, two I found out about, one he admitted when we started R) sent WH a text at 1am Friday night. Didn't want to get him in trouble but just thought about him and wanted to see how he was doing. After a year of no contact. WH did read the text to me. He wanted to ignore it but I had him write back that he was working on us and wanted no contact. I could tell he was embarrassed writing that to her, but he did it. My VAR picked him up telling his friend about it the next day and that confirmed it was out of the blue and he told the friend it made him mad cause he's been working so hard to make things work and these things keep happening. Maybe there is hope for him, but the contact with the other one has to stop even if it is just to pick up discounted stuff for his buddy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are under no obligation to - nor should you - divulge HOW you know he's doing this. Just go up to him, say "I know you've been meeting OW and it either stops now or I'm heading to the lawyer." When he 'demands' to know how you know, just say 'none of your business. You lost that right.'


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Glad it appears at least your husband is trying.

It takes some pretty good determination and smarts to pull off what you are doing.


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Glad it appears at least your husband is trying.
> 
> It takes some pretty good determination and smarts to pull off what you are doing.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

It's so hard to do. I dread listening to the VAR. He's going out of town next week to work and I'm afraid I'll hear him making plans with his work buddy about what they can do while out of town. . I'm hoping he's really trying and won't, but its terrifying.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you have any hobbies? If not, you need to get some and talk to a friend. You are going to let this stress your out and that's not good for you.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

4myson said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> It's so hard to do. I dread listening to the VAR. He's going out of town next week to work and I'm afraid I'll hear him making plans with his work buddy about what they can do while out of town. . I'm hoping he's really trying and won't, but its terrifying.


I remember the first time getting the VAR from the car; it was one of the most nerve wracking moments of my life listening to the results.

It didn't help having to do it with headphones on in the living room whilst our kids watched TV. I had to clean the audio up to get rid of engine noise and music and that seemed to take an age.

Either way, I feel for you on this. I hope your time is wasted


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

IF you want OP. Ive done transcripts of VARs. ONLY if you want. Done it for 4 people so far.


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