# Delete



## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

Delete


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What do you mean erupted in their face? What happened when the fiancé found out?


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

You know, "they only kissed twice" really means that there was much more that went on. I would say...Yes they did have sex.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, if she is really remorseful, tell her she needs to find a new job and NOT be around that guy AT ALL, no texts, no phone, no email, and especially NO face-to-face.
Second, maybe a polygraph to verify that they had no sex. She will get mad at you -- TOUGH. SHE is the one who caused this breach of trust, not you. She will simply have to reap the results of her actions.
If she doesn't want to do any of that, well you have your answer as to if they had sex.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Cool username. 

Polygraph.....


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

STD said:


> The first time I met my wife’s male coworker 4-5 years ago he was invited to see a water fall that I wanted to show my wife and family. My wife had invited him. He was newly divorced and they both had started working together. When he arrived I noticed how my wife immediately made him feel welcome. They ended up exploring the different parts of the landscape and running off on their own. I sensed an energy and an attention that she was giving him. She took pictures of him on the rocks and none of me. Later when I bring it up she claims that he requested the pictures. Several months after that incident I caught my wife sending a selfie of her legs and feet at the pool to her male co-worker with the text “my office for the day”. I immediately told her it was inappropriate and that she had never sent a picture like that to me. She apologized and said she would stop and that it did not cross her mind that that would be inappropriate.
> 
> Speed up time and this male co-worker started dating a women who my wife invited over to our home several times and we hung out as couples. He got to know my kids and we became decent friends. As a result, I lowered my guard for several years and dismissed any of the gut feelings I had from the beginning. Periodically I would check my wife’s work phone that she kept no passcode on and saw that they texted daily and that the texts were friendly and slightly beyond friends and co-workers. Most of the text were work related but there were moments where he would ask where she was and she openly answered she was peeing. It was not until this past spring that my wife became very cold and mean towards me. No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking, etc she would just rip me to pieces over the slightest thing. She also wanted to get together every Friday with her co-worker and fiancé at various restaurants. The request to hang out every Friday seemed to pick up a lot last spring. It was not until this past May that she wanted to invite this co-worker and his fiancé over last minute. When they arrived he was very intoxicated. My wife ran to pickup the carryout we ordered and while she was gone her co-worker mentioned that he knew my wife very well and that he spent just as much if not more time with her than I did on a daily basis. Thats when a major red flag came up for me.
> 
> ...


We can speculate until the cows come home but the only people who know the answer are your wife, and her AP. The only way you are going to get an answer is if she takes a polygraph, like you mentioned. And even then, if she lies she will claim that she was just nervous and the test was faulty, will come up with more lies about what happened, etc. Many betrayed spouses never get the full story, and if they do, it's very hard to trust that they have. 

I understand that your wife needs to work, but can she start looking for another job or ask to be transferred? It will be very hard, if not impossible, to heal when she has to interact with her AP every day.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

They went all the way.

EAs with co-workers, friends, clients, etc — anyone with whom there is physical proximity — are always PAs. Not always at first, but by the time you’re several years in? Absolutely.

And why are you even _attempting_ reconciliation while she’s still working with him?

Seriously …?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

STD said:


> The first time I met my wife’s male coworker 4-5 years ago he was invited to see a water fall that I wanted to show my wife and family. My wife had invited him. He was newly divorced and they both had started working together. When he arrived I noticed how my wife immediately made him feel welcome. They ended up exploring the different parts of the landscape and running off on their own. I sensed an energy and an attention that she was giving him. She took pictures of him on the rocks and none of me. Later when I bring it up she claims that he requested the pictures. Several months after that incident I caught my wife sending a selfie of her legs and feet at the pool to her male co-worker with the text “my office for the day”. I immediately told her it was inappropriate and that she had never sent a picture like that to me. She apologized and said she would stop and that it did not cross her mind that that would be inappropriate.
> 
> Speed up time and this male co-worker started dating a women who my wife invited over to our home several times and we hung out as couples. He got to know my kids and we became decent friends. As a result, I lowered my guard for several years and dismissed any of the gut feelings I had from the beginning. Periodically I would check my wife’s work phone that she kept no passcode on and saw that they texted daily and that the texts were friendly and slightly beyond friends and co-workers. Most of the text were work related but there were moments where he would ask where she was and she openly answered she was peeing. It was not until this past spring that my wife became very cold and mean towards me. No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking, etc she would just rip me to pieces over the slightest thing. She also wanted to get together every Friday with her co-worker and fiancé at various restaurants. The request to hang out every Friday seemed to pick up a lot last spring. It was not until this past May that she wanted to invite this co-worker and his fiancé over last minute. When they arrived he was very intoxicated. My wife ran to pickup the carryout we ordered and while she was gone her co-worker mentioned that he knew my wife very well and that he spent just as much if not more time with her than I did on a daily basis. Thats when a major red flag came up for me.
> 
> ...


I have been researching cheating for a very long time. My first wife had a series of affairs abou 30 years ago and we divorced. Same thing happened in my second marriage about 15 years ago.
Consequently, delved into this stuff for a long while pretty intensively. 
Your wife is almost surely cheating, or at least she did. 
One often gets the accusation that the trauma and obsession from having been on the recieving end of infidelity has caused tunnel vision where one sees it everywhere, causing one to jump to conclusions. There may be some validity to this, but, I have seldom been wrong. Ultimately, the betrayed victim gets evidence confirming my initial impression.
I would dr o the following, which takes discipline and patience. But, getting confirming evidence is worth it.
Essentially, play dumb, keep your mouth shut and start researching and implementing the various investigative methods available to you. Some you can employ yourself and more tech savvy posters can advise you.
I was fortunate in that my job as an attorney had me using private investigators and some were my friends. One did the investigation gratis. Easy way but you need some financial resources. Otherwise, the methods you can employ yourself which will be suggested can be effective. Maybe slower and less definitive, sometimes.
The key at this point is to not show your hand. Mouth shut, eyes open, etc,


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

You should have went straight to their HR when you found texts on her work phone of this scumbag wanting to eat your wife’s vagina.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

I would tell her that you are giving her one chance to come clean, and then she will sit for a polygraph to see if she is lying. Don't ask her to take it, tell her she is going to take a polygraph or else. I would be surprised if the two of them were not having sex. Hell, she admitted making out with him. In cheater speak that means they were screwing. She played you for years. Do not be so quick to forgive or forget. You need to know the entire truth in order to decide what to do. She cannot be allowed to get away with what she has done, even if it was only an emotional affair. Her make-out sessions made it physical. BTW, is the POS and his fiance still getting married?

Finally, she must find another job or get some sort of transfer so that she never has contact with the POS AP ever again. That is an absolute requirement for reconciliation. You must drive it through her thick skull that any more funny business with any man means divorce. If you don't have children, don't have any until several years have passed and you feel comfortable staying with her. Be careful and protect yourself.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> They went all the way.
> 
> EAs with co-workers, friends, clients, etc — anyone with whom there is physical proximity — are always PAs. Not always at first, but by the time you’re several years in? Absolutely.
> 
> ...


Agree with the time stipulation on this common saying. I never liked the EA + proximity = PA because Once the EA is active, the PA will follow….but how long after? I probably varies a great deal.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

STD said:


> The first time I met my wife’s male coworker 4-5 years ago he was invited to see a water fall that I wanted to show my wife and family. My wife had invited him. He was newly divorced and they both had started working together. When he arrived I noticed how my wife immediately made him feel welcome. They ended up exploring the different parts of the landscape and running off on their own. I sensed an energy and an attention that she was giving him. She took pictures of him on the rocks and none of me. Later when I bring it up she claims that he requested the pictures. Several months after that incident I caught my wife sending a selfie of her legs and feet at the pool to her male co-worker with the text “my office for the day”. I immediately told her it was inappropriate and that she had never sent a picture like that to me. She apologized and said she would stop and that it did not cross her mind that that would be inappropriate.
> *She has no boundaries. Big red flags all over.*
> 
> Speed up time and this male co-worker started dating a women who my wife invited over to our home several times and we hung out as couples. He got to know my kids and we became decent friends. As a result, I lowered my guard for several years and dismissed any of the gut feelings I had from the beginning. Periodically I would check my wife’s work phone that she kept no passcode on and saw that they texted daily and that the texts were friendly and slightly beyond friends and co-workers. Most of the text were work related but there were moments where he would ask where she was and she openly answered she was peeing. It was not until this past spring that my wife became very cold and mean towards me. No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking, etc she would just rip me to pieces over the slightest thing. She also wanted to get together every Friday with her co-worker and fiancé at various restaurants. The request to hang out every Friday seemed to pick up a lot last spring. It was not until this past May that she wanted to invite this co-worker and his fiancé over last minute. When they arrived he was very intoxicated. My wife ran to pickup the carryout we ordered and while she was gone her co-worker mentioned that he knew my wife very well and that he spent just as much if not more time with her than I did on a daily basis. Thats when a major red flag came up for me.
> ...


No wonder you have a problem. Cheaters lie a lot plus you gave her all the control and rugswept the whole thing. You only need enough to satisfy you.
You can only be a chump if you allow it. Cheaters always find a way. Being a marriage warden is a hopeless and thankless task.

You know the truth but would rather live in denial. Denial is a temporary comfort zone.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

STD,

There is no such thing as just a kiss, a kiss is more intimate than sex. This is especially true if your WW does not like to kiss you but enjoyed it with OM.

The statement it was only a kiss, or only one kiss, is the most cliche lie and minimization in the cheaters book of cheap phrases.

Have her write out a timeline of her affair have her include all the details and take her for a polygraph.

Also research the OM his past is is present a serial cheater does not change, what he did with other women he did with your WW.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

STD,

You wrote, *When he arrived I noticed how my wife immediately made him feel welcome. They ended up exploring the different parts of the landscape and running off on their own. I sensed an energy and an attention that she was giving him. She took pictures of him on the rocks and none of me. *

Yea I've experience that too, it's like seeing a loved one driving off a cliff, you just cannot believe what you are seeing.

I missed that the OM was recently divorced, speak with his exW I would guess he was cheating on his W, although the story OM told your WW is like something like, how he was the victim of his wifes cheating, how unfair the divorce was, how your WW was such a great emotional support for him, etc.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So your wife was in between his two women. His ex-wife, and new wife.

Why didn’t he marry your wife?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are being conned.

You should cut to the chase and not waste any more time. There is never going to be a time when your wife isn't tainted. You will probably feel the same way you do no 10 maybe 20 years later. 

Don't waste the rest of your life. There is so much better out there.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

STD said:


> I became very angry


it's about time. You suffer from Nice Guy syndrome.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by robert glover. Download and read!

An Ear For Men Youtube videos -- Paul Elam; watch videos until you can recite them.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Irrespective of what may Or may not have happened, for me to stay in the marriage

- polygraph she pays for

- she gets a new job within a specified time frame

- speak to a lawyer and get all of your finances etc sorted

- exposure to family, friends and family and friends of the POSOM

- if she is happy having her location known to POSOM at all times, then she can damned well give you the same

- she writes and hand delivers a full time line to both you and the POSOM’s wife and makes a very public apology.

You don’t mention kids (apologies I missed it). Do you have kids or plan to have any with her? If so, is this now on hold and will you tell her that?

I agree with others that you have been far too much Mr Nice Guy. Get nasty, sort it out or it is going to flare back up again.

On the other hand, because this is obviously causing on going pain and can never be fully resolved, just say screw you to them both and kick her to the kerb.


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## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

Why the fu*k is she still in contact with the ***hole?
And yes, they did more than kiss.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Come on, you know good and darn well that she had sex with this guy, MANY times. She has been after this guy from the very beginning. Their first date, right in front of you, was the beginning their EA. They have probably kissed and held hands but dialed it back many times. I would guess the sex started when she became cold towards you last year. WW will become very mean and nasty towards their husband to avoid intimacy. If they do have sex, it will be cold and emotionally distant. 

I don’t understand how you’ve not made her quit that job. You have no idea what is happening at the office. Thinking that you do because you’re able to see some of her communication is huge mistake. I STRONGLY recommend that you demand that she take a poly. That is the only way you will get the truth out of her. Very likely you will get the infamous parking lot confession.

This guy hung out with you and was in your house. He told your wife that he wanted to eat her out and you didn’t confront him? Yes, she’s the one you’re married to but this guy pursuing her is complete disrespecting you. I guess I’m just a POS trouble maker but any guy who comes into my house acting like he’s my friend but is after my wife, is not going away unscathed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Of course they had sex, starting with when she became cold to you. He practically told you he has more sex with her than you do. He has tracking on her phone !!!!! 
You did nothing. Not one single thing that I can see to send this guy packing other than ratting him out to the “Fiancée”…. (Which was good at least)
You are still letting him near your wife due to “finances”.

After all the years of no intimacy with your own wife, seeing another man date your wife, allowing him to disrespect you in your own home……. You still are so passive that instead of kicking her to the curb, you ask if they had sex?

You will never have a good relationship with your wife. Her feelings for you left when she gave them to another man. You’re just there for your role as provider abd security. She never did kick you out of that role, even while she pursued another man right in your face.

What matters isn’t that she had/has sex with him, what matters is she loves him and not you.
You feel it athat’s why you’re here.
I’m sorry. Your wife stopped loving you and she’s never going to feel the same way about you again. Considering how she still communicates with her AP, you might as well just divorce her and move on. 
You’ve been hiding your head in the sand for years. Btw, you had her phone and access to all their correspondence and you STILL failed to read every bit of it and gave her the phone back so she could erase it all. Let’s face it, you do not want the truth.
What good would it do to tell you they had sex? You has the truth in your hands and pushed it away.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

How many times have I posted this? 50, 100. But here goes again.

Google the Lover/Provider dichotomy. You are firmly established in one of these roles and selected for it. You are a wallet, babysitter, plow horse, and good ole nice guy who doesn't want to overstep his boundaries because it may upset the Princess who you have most likely put on a pedestal all of these years. That was your downfall. 

The way out is to recircuit your flawed thinking w/ regard to women, relationships, and everything you've been programmed to believe. Google cucked and Cuckold while you're at it. Man, this stuff may come as a shock to you but you asked and deserve some insights into what is going on in your life.



STD said:


> No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking,


Who taught you that one. This does not turn women on. It has the reverse effect.



STD said:


> co-worker mentioned that he knew my wife very well and that he spent just as much if not more time with her than I did on a daily basis.


this is downright painful. Let me guess you joked around about this. He/they were playing w/ you. It looks like the guy was on a power trip or even trying to tell you. What did you do? Tell them to have a good time when they left the house together. I'm really sorry.

I've given you some materials (in my earlier post, to help you wake up. It's up to you man to do the work. Come out of Fairy Tale Land. 

Download The Manipulated Man - ester vilar. Start here. This is a woman writing on women.

Read the unplugged Alpha by Rich Cooper -- Immediately. Watch his videos.

Download Female Psychology for the practical man -- joe south. You know none of this stuff.

On a final note -- pull your head out of your ass. You can learn this stuff and apply it to future dealings with women in your life. It's nothing more than basic psychology. Good Luck on your Journey.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

STD said:


> she had never sent a picture like that to me.



this is how the Provider is treated. kept in his place. She didn't have those kinds of 'feelings' for you that she had for the other guy. Those sexy pics and talk are reserved for the Lover.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't stay married to a woman who admits letting some bloke kissing her, exchanging photos and all the rest. You will never get over the suspicion and it will eat you inside. But we are all different.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

manowar said:


> this is how the Provider is treated. kept in his place. She didn't have those kinds of 'feelings' for you that she had for the other guy. Those sexy pics and talk are reserved for the Lover.


i tried to tap into this in a previous thread, what tempts SOME women to repeatedly do this same sort of behavior?

is it a learned behavior, or is it in their genes to act that way?

if it is genetic based, then does coming from specific regions of the world dictate the propensity to treat your provider poorly, but shower the OM with sexual favors?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You know the truth and that's why you're here!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

manowar said:


> this is how the Provider is treated. kept in his place. She didn't have those kinds of 'feelings' for you that she had for the other guy. Those sexy pics and talk are reserved for the Lover.


Why is the man the Provider in this case if she works too?


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

First, I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. You have done NOTHING to deserve this. This is all on her.

tell her that you are giving her an early Christmas present, a polygraph. Schedule it and let her know when it will take place. Her immediate reaction will probably let you know everything.

- talk to a lawyer to see what your options are.

- let EVERYONE know about her affair. Don’t protect her from her actions, and you will need to lean on your family and friends, and those family and friends WANT to help you.

good luck, stay strong, NEVER be anyone’s plan B, and somewhat it takes to always be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Given that they have been physical, my advice is to assume they've had sex and go from there rather than spending loads of time trying to find out or threatening polygraphs tests and the like (although I do acknowledge there is some power in the parking lot confession for those that believe polygraphs are in any way accurate outside highly controlled conditions). I mean really, does your wife expect you to buy it that two adults who have been engaged in months of emotional affair just kissed a few times? Get real!

So, assuming they've had sex, is this something you can forgive? If not, I'd suggest you look at how to go your separate ways to your best advantage possible (by you and mean you as an individual). Remember you have to be able to trust this woman to have a happy life in the long term, she has broken that trust is not making you feel that she has truly come clean. What does that tell you?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife had a long term emotional affair that became a physical affair, but you want to believe they didn't have sex. Ok then. Good luck with that. Don't worry. In a few months when it all dies down she'll either go back to screwing him (since they're still in contact) or she'll eventually move on to the next co-worker and be a little more discreet.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

What's the most "physical" did it get? 
Answer: at least as "physical" as you have ever been with her. Maybe more. 
So she lies, they all do. 

I have yet to see a single case that is outlined with "just a kiss" and other clues and then it turned out to be NON physical. Once you hear kiss, think clothes off and monkey sex. That's how physical it got. 

Please wake up. 

You may want this woman and want to stay with this woman. I'm all for that if you are. But please don't live in denial and uncertainty. That will not go away and will come back at you. If you "need to know", it's time to do it right now.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Of course they had sex, starting with when she became cold to you. *He practically told you he has more sex with her than you do. He has tracking on her phone !!!!! *
> You did nothing. Not one single thing that I can see to send this guy packing other than ratting him out to the “Fiancée”…. (Which was good at least)
> You are still letting him near your wife due to “finances”.
> 
> ...


Wow, I completely skipped over this drunken POS telling OP that he knew his wife better because he spent more time with her than he does. How you just stood in your own house as a dude is telling you that is beyond me.

Also that he was tracking her phone? Wow, he was keeping his eye on his girl. That’s right his girl. She hasn’t been your wife for years. I would bet he was monitoring her communication to make sure she wasn’t being loving towards you. Which brings me to a very important point. Their affair had a lot to do about humiliation. Not just you but also his fiancé. They probably got a high from sneaking a kiss or or more when either was around. When you’re checking on her she’ll tell you that you’re being controlling but for him, she feels loved and protected.

We get so many threads of self deluding BHs asking did they do more? It rarely is the case that the BH’s gut was wrong. In your case, with your wife being completely in love with this guy, she was most likely very wanton. What does that mean? It means that she was providing her man very passionate and enthusiastic sex that very likely included doing things she would call you a pig for wanting.

You already have a enough evidence to just file for D but if you need to prove it to yourself, demand that she take a poly. I truly hope you don’t have kids with this woman. If by chance you’ve had kids within the time that she’s known this guy, verify their dna.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Wow, I completely skipped over this drunken POS telling OP that he knew his wife better because he spent more time with her than he does. How you just stood in your own house as a dude is telling you that is beyond me.
> 
> Also that he was tracking her phone? Wow, he was keeping his eye on his girl. That’s right his girl. She hasn’t been your wife for years. I would bet he was monitoring her communication to make sure she wasn’t being loving towards you. Which brings me to a very important point. Their affair had a lot to do about humiliation. Not just you but also his fiancé. They probably got a high from sneaking a kiss or or more when either was around. When you’re checking on her she’ll tell you that you’re being controlling but for him, she feels loved and protected.
> 
> ...


I believe the term " Provider" is , essentially, just another word for "Beta Male" with little to do with whether both parties work. I have seen this attraction to the "bad boy" play out in both my marriages. Ironically, in reality, I could have dominated either of these men in almost any physical endeavor. I was a fairly accomplished college athlete in multiple sports.
But, I was devoting myself to my family and career and was not interested in trying to present myself as some alpha type. I now realize that my XWs had no idea of what constitutes true strength and were impressed by the superficial shows put on by these guys who I could have easily thrashed.
But, I digress. Presumably, you have( or will shortly )found evidence of the cheating. I am completely unable to grasp wh as t it would take to stay with someone who betrayed me and who has such a comfort level with lying.
With this bias in mind, my advice is to divorce for your own mental well being.


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## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

No kids? Consider yourself lucky. Get your finances together and leave ASAP.

Note to you 1 to 2 years from now if you dont leave: Yes, of course you are here again, see you again in 1 or 2 more...


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

In order to take you seriously, she needs to believe that you are ready to divorce her (bluff if you have to). Your marriage may not be perfect, you may not be perfect - but her decision to act inappropriately is 100% on her.

Inform her:

That every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid flirty texts, compromising situations, and inappropriate communications/relationships with the opposite sex. 

She failed big time and in the process she destroyed your trust in her.

Consequently, you no longer trust her excuses or promises or "it was just a kiss". 

Inform her that to save her marriage she needs to prove that their was no sex, including taking a polygraph test.
As an additional consequence she needs to go 100% NC with the OM and change jobs.

She created this mess - and only she can fix it. And that doesn't include making excuses or promises.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @STD for what you have been through for the past couple of years. I would seriously consider the advice especially this from:


jlg07 said:


> Second, maybe a polygraph to verify that they had no sex. She will get mad at you -- TOUGH. SHE is the one who caused this breach of trust, not you. She will simply have to reap the results of her actions.
> If she doesn't want to do any of that, well you have your answer as to if they had sex.


If what she has told you about their interaction is totally true she should understand you need this to be able to move forward in your trust with her. Also, if she cannot change jobs due to your financial situation is there a way she could move in the job so she does not have to see or interact with the OM in any way. Best of luck!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

manowar said:


> _*this is how the Provider is treated. kept in his place. She didn't have those kinds of 'feelings' for you that she had for the other guy. Those sexy pics and talk are reserved for the Lover.*_



LOL...what part of "my wife's *coworker*" did you miss in his initial post?

He's not the only provider - they BOTH provide.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

STD said:


> The first time I met my wife’s male coworker 4-5 years ago he was invited to see a water fall that I wanted to show my wife and family. My wife had invited him. He was newly divorced and they both had started working together. When he arrived I noticed how my wife immediately made him feel welcome. They ended up exploring the different parts of the landscape and running off on their own. I sensed an energy and an attention that she was giving him. She took pictures of him on the rocks and none of me. Later when I bring it up she claims that he requested the pictures. Several months after that incident I caught my wife sending a selfie of her legs and feet at the pool to her male co-worker with the text “my office for the day”. I immediately told her it was inappropriate and that she had never sent a picture like that to me. She apologized and said she would stop and that it did not cross her mind that that would be inappropriate.
> 
> Speed up time and this male co-worker started dating a women who my wife invited over to our home several times and we hung out as couples. He got to know my kids and we became decent friends. As a result, I lowered my guard for several years and dismissed any of the gut feelings I had from the beginning. Periodically I would check my wife’s work phone that she kept no passcode on and saw that they texted daily and that the texts were friendly and slightly beyond friends and co-workers. Most of the text were work related but there were moments where he would ask where she was and she openly answered she was peeing. It was not until this past spring that my wife became very cold and mean towards me. No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking, etc she would just rip me to pieces over the slightest thing. She also wanted to get together every Friday with her co-worker and fiancé at various restaurants. The request to hang out every Friday seemed to pick up a lot last spring. It was not until this past May that she wanted to invite this co-worker and his fiancé over last minute. When they arrived he was very intoxicated. My wife ran to pickup the carryout we ordered and while she was gone her co-worker mentioned that he knew my wife very well and that he spent just as much if not more time with her than I did on a daily basis. Thats when a major red flag came up for me.
> 
> ...


Do the polygraph and she needs to find a new job. No way would I trust her working with him.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Google serial cheater. Smells like thats what you’re dealing with. They just don’t stop.
I wouldn’t wast time on the “save your marriage” BS. From what you’ve posted its time to cut bait.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> is it a learned behavior, or is it in their genes to act that way?



A woman ideally wants one man to fill both roles. The all-around whole package guy. Very hard to find. Historically women focused on finding good providers. A man to protect and materially provide. this was paramount. It's only natural. What woman wants a guy who can't provide the basics for her and her children. No woman would choose that. But she wants her physical needs met as well and may choose to outsource the Lover role. In modern society there really is no penalty other than the break up of the marriage, and who ultimately bears the cost for that?

In OP's case - this was emotionally driven. She was pretty much gone and didn't care one iota for the marriage.

It's probably evolutionary. And self-interest.



She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...what part of "my wife's *coworker*" did you miss in his initial post?
> 
> He's not the only provider - they BOTH provide.


She'sGotIt - You are the last person I'd expect this from. Semantics. I've read, and taken notice, of your posts. You've got a tongue as sharp as a razor blade. Something I can appreciate lol. Google it or read chapter 4 of Female Psychology for the practical man - joe south. But this is well established in human psychology. Google Briffault's Law.

Usually, its the act of providing but can be emotional (tampon) support; husband services around the house -- the so-called serviceable guy; chores; dependability; combined income that's an added bonus, even a great friendship -- This is the Role of the provider. Everything excepting banging basically.

these things often diminish the man's sexual attraction. Cheating women are very often more turned on by a guy who doesn't provide for her. That she can't get to provide. A man who has no control over her like a husband. She has no image to protect. Also a Man she has no control over and cant order around like a nice guy. 

Men -- know your psychology. if you are playing the game it makes it a whole lot easier. And for god's sake avoid the Provider Trap.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@STD's wife brought over a lady for the COW to meet.
She _hand-picked_ her.

Then, the COW's hands picked up and ran down her.
She is now the COW's fiancee.
He keeps her close.

The wife, now keeps, both close.

My, my...

How many hands are now picking, over her, this fiancee?
One man's, one ladies?

I would question, even this.
I would.
I do.

Hands, hands everywhere, maybe so, also, those muff-diving tongues.



_Lilith-


When a women introduces doubt to her husband, that doubt never leaves. 
It only multiplies, flusters, and festers._


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

She is lying and trickle truthing you. My ex did the same thing. Said she only kissed her coworker when in fact they had gone all the way. “We only kissed” or “We almost kissed” is code for “we had sex” almost always.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@STD this is TAM.
Radio check.
Over...


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

STD said:


> The first time I met my wife’s male coworker 4-5 years ago he was invited to see a water fall that I wanted to show my wife and family. My wife had invited him. He was newly divorced and they both had started working together. When he arrived I noticed how my wife immediately made him feel welcome. They ended up exploring the different parts of the landscape and running off on their own. I sensed an energy and an attention that she was giving him. She took pictures of him on the rocks and none of me. Later when I bring it up she claims that he requested the pictures. Several months after that incident I caught my wife sending a selfie of her legs and feet at the pool to her male co-worker with the text “my office for the day”. I immediately told her it was inappropriate and that she had never sent a picture like that to me. She apologized and said she would stop and that it did not cross her mind that that would be inappropriate.
> 
> Speed up time and this male co-worker started dating a women who my wife invited over to our home several times and we hung out as couples. He got to know my kids and we became decent friends. As a result, I lowered my guard for several years and dismissed any of the gut feelings I had from the beginning. Periodically I would check my wife’s work phone that she kept no passcode on and saw that they texted daily and that the texts were friendly and slightly beyond friends and co-workers. Most of the text were work related but there were moments where he would ask where she was and she openly answered she was peeing. It was not until this past spring that my wife became very cold and mean towards me. No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking, etc she would just rip me to pieces over the slightest thing. She also wanted to get together every Friday with her co-worker and fiancé at various restaurants. The request to hang out every Friday seemed to pick up a lot last spring. It was not until this past May that she wanted to invite this co-worker and his fiancé over last minute. When they arrived he was very intoxicated. My wife ran to pickup the carryout we ordered and while she was gone her co-worker mentioned that he knew my wife very well and that he spent just as much if not more time with her than I did on a daily basis. Thats when a major red flag came up for me.
> 
> ...


I don't think your wife is remorseful at all. Seems like she is minimizing the situation, and placing blame on everyone else, but herself. She is even blaming the OM saying things were his idea, etc. This woman has no empathy for anyone. I don't know why you're bothering with counseling personally, she made MANY decisions that put this man first, and gaslighted you on several occasions, even when you knew in your gut something wasn't right. She didn't do this once, she has done this MANY times, from what I read. 

If you want to know my opinion, there was definitely physical stuff going on between them. I don't know what, but yes, it was more than kissing. You can believe what you want. But there was a lot of covering up. You did the right thing telling the fiancee. Hopefully she makes the right choice and moves on from this fool, and can have a chance at an honest life. You should do the same.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

manowar said:


> A woman ideally wants one man to fill both roles. The all-around whole package guy. Very hard to find. Historically women focused on finding good providers. A man to protect and materially provide. this was paramount. It's only natural. What woman wants a guy who can't provide the basics for her and her children. No woman would choose that. But she wants her physical needs met as well and may choose to outsource the Lover role. In modern society there really is no penalty other than the break up of the marriage, and who ultimately bears the cost for that?
> 
> In OP's case - this was emotionally driven. She was pretty much gone and didn't care one iota for the marriage.
> 
> ...


I agree and have seen this. Problem is that unless playing thecAlpha role comes somewhat naturally, it can be exhausting and feel phony to you.
I have opted not to go there completely, instead I now just act with more self interest. I have had good luck by working out a lot, excelling at golf, making good money, and just not caring that much about whether any particular woman has an interest in me. Seems to attract women.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

STD said:


> *It was not until this past spring that my wife became very cold and mean towards me. No matter what I did at home to help out with cleaning, cooking, etc she would just rip me to pieces over the slightest thing.* She also wanted to get together every Friday with her co-worker and fiancé at various restaurants. . .


This, alone, is fact, not supposition.

This alone is divorce-worthy. 
It is textbook behavior and shows an active EA occurring, and a _newly_ active distaste for her husband.

Whether it went further than this is anyone's guess.
Yes, I suspect it did.

Yet, it matters not, as she needs to be rid off for her disrespect.
And, to be rid of, for the doubt she laid at his feet.

She brought a man into OP's house, one that talked of _going down on her._
When confronted with these words, his wife blew it off, saying he is goofy, not to worry.

She blew off his remark.

What else got blown?
That is the question, that is the doubt she brought home.

She must be rid of.


_KB-_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So many recent threads of BHs having so much really damning evidence who scurry off when the consensus is that of course they had sex. It makes me so sad that we have this epidemic of men who would not only rather stay with wives that blatantly betrayed them but convince themselves that it was all in their head. 

Is pus.. that scarce that they prefer to stay with an indifferent wife who doles out occasional duty sex? He mentioned that his wife doesn’t like to kiss. Kissing is very intimate act. When a wife no longer wants to kiss you, she’s not into you. Letting your husband F you doesn’t mean much. She will usually feel good and imagine it’s someone else but kissing , like BJs are way more personal. I would bet that for her husband, those are also off the menu.

@STD even if you don’t come back, I implore you to get a poly done. There’s something that truly stinks about a wife having an affair that last throughout the conception and birth of your 3rd child. That she ended affair AFTER the birth, screams that she thought it may have been OM’s baby.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@STD this is TAM.
Send sitrep.
Over...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@STD this is TAM.
Nothing heard.
Out.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Personal said:


> @STD this is TAM.
> Nothing heard.
> Out.


I guess he didn’t dig what we had to tell him


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Megaforce said:


> I agree and have seen this. Problem is that unless playing thecAlpha role comes somewhat naturally, it can be exhausting and feel phony to you.
> I have opted not to go there completely, instead I now just act with more self interest. I have had good luck by working out a lot, excelling at golf, making good money, and just not caring that much about whether any particular woman has an interest in me. Seems to attract women.


I agree. A man doesn't have to play roles. Self-interest is the key and not pandering to this false Chivalric construction (another role play) men have been led into like lemmings from the time they were children. You're about to witness the Chivalric ideal over the next 6 weeks with the nonstop jewelry commercials from Jarad and the others. Pay special attention to the man taking the knee. 

This crap should always be avoided and leads to behavior and beliefs exhibited by this OP. Most likely well-intentioned but wrong. These guys simply adopt the gynocentric model of the woman first no matter what. Conceding all power. Never saying "No". I strongly believe this is not the fault of modern man but has been inherited from our weak (the weakest of betas) predecessors. Men are finally waking up but very slowly. Give it another twenty years.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> I guess he didn’t dig what we had to tell him



Of course, he didn't because he finally got a few truth bombs. instead of ppl wishing him hugs and other bs like that. The weak run away. The strong stay and take it and learn from it. The advice he got was somewhat harsh but very good imo. Better than he's going to get from some MC who talks of emotions, feelings, and paying attention to his wife's needs. 

If he heeds the advice here, he may be able to change for the better. It's up to him.


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> You know, "they only kissed twice" really means that there was much more that went on. I would say...Yes they did have sex.
> [/QUOTE


----------



## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> You know, "they only kissed twice" really means that there was much more that went on. I would say...Yes they did have sex.





jlg07 said:


> So, if she is really remorseful, tell her she needs to find a new job and NOT be around that guy AT ALL, no texts, no phone, no email, and especially NO face-to-face.
> Second, maybe a polygraph to verify that they had no sex. She will get mad at you -- TOUGH. SHE is the one who caused this breach of trust, not you. She will simply have to reap the results of her actions.
> If she doesn't want to do any of that, well you have your answer as to if they had sex.


----------



## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

manowar said:


> it's about time. You suffer from Nice Guy syndrome.
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy by robert glover. Download and read!
> 
> An Ear For Men Youtube videos -- Paul Elam; watch videos until you can recite them.


Thanks, I watched several of those videos and they were very informative.


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

manowar said:


> Of course, he didn't because he finally got a few truth bombs. instead of ppl wishing him hugs and other bs like that. The weak run away. The strong stay and take it and learn from it. The advice he got was somewhat harsh but very good imo. Better than he's going to get from some MC who talks of emotions, feelings, and paying attention to his wife's needs.
> 
> If he heeds the advice here, he may be able to change for the better. It's up to him.


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

Captain Obvious said:


> You should have went straight to their HR when you found texts on her work phone of this scumbag wanting to eat your wife’s vagina.


----------



## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> STD,
> 
> There is no such thing as just a kiss, a kiss is more intimate than sex. This is especially true if your WW does not like to kiss you but enjoyed it with OM.
> 
> ...


----------



## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Come on, you know good and darn well that she had sex with this guy, MANY times. She has been after this guy from the very beginning. Their first date, right in front of you, was the beginning their EA. They have probably kissed and held hands but dialed it back many times. I would guess the sex started when she became cold towards you last year. WW will become very mean and nasty towards their husband to avoid intimacy. If they do have sex, it will be cold and emotionally distant.
> 
> I don’t understand how you’ve not made her quit that job. You have no idea what is happening at the office. Thinking that you do because you’re able to see some of her communication is huge mistake. I STRONGLY recommend that you demand that she take a poly. That is the only way you will get the truth out of her. Very likely you will get the infamous parking lot confession.
> 
> This guy hung out with you and was in your house. He told your wife that he wanted to eat her out and you didn’t confront him? Yes, she’s the one you’re married to but this guy pursuing her is complete disrespecting you. I guess I’m just a POS trouble maker but any guy who comes into my house acting like he’s my friend but is after my wife, is not going away unscathed.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

STD said:


> Yes a polygraph is coming soon. I did confront the AP in a pointed letter after his fiancé found out.


Get a time line before a polygraph is scheduled. Also do not say anything to her about the questions that you will have ask. Best of luck!


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

STD said:


> Sorry I had a busy weekend. Yes, I appreciated the feedback which has been confirming my gut feelings for a while.


Glad to see you are sticking around. You'll learn a lot. It takes courage to post your life story and deal with this crap. All of which you never could have imagined when you said your I dos. 



STD said:


> Thanks, I watched several of those videos and they were very informative.


terrific!! You are starting to make progress.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I appreciate that you need the income from her working, but she can start looking for a job else where from now.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I am sorry to be direct but you really need to man up here and be far more assertive. 

There need to be some consequences here for her because your story indicates she is skipping away from this scot free and the worse repercussions seem to be coming from the Co-workers fiancée. Doesn’t her reaction tell you something?

Is her keeping her job more important than you keeping your marriage?

She can get another job. Personally, I would tell her she has 3 months to find a new job or you will inform her employer of the relationship.

She is going to do this to you again because you have demonstrated that she can get away with it.

A pointed letter to the AP.? Well that will have him quaking in his boots! I don’t believe the nature of their relationship has changed, they are just better at covering it up and they are laughing at you behind your back.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

manowar said:


> Glad to see you are sticking around. You'll learn a lot. It takes courage to post your life story and deal with this crap. All of which you never could have imagined when you said your I dos.
> 
> 
> 
> terrific!! You are starting to make progress.





jjj858 said:


> If it was me the AP would have received a pointed fist to the face.


I would like to agree, but can't.

All that will get you is a night in jail and possibly a felony assault charge.
Having a felony conviction charge on your record will mess up your employment possibilities, and maybe prevent you from travelling freely abroad.

***Or, get you kicked out of the military. 

Tempting, but It isn't worth it.

Many years ago, I learned my lesson with ***this. 

I had to get a good lawyer to get me off the hook.

$5000 later I plea bargained the assault charge down.
I got a 3rd degree Disorderly Conduct Award for my losing my temper and downing a big mouth A-Hole.

Some dude called my spouse some very nasty names. 
I bloodied his nose, and tossed him into the dirt.

He filed charges.

Lucky for me, the witness's said the guy deserved it.

Find some other way to get back at him.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Sun C Mars, probably going to get caned for this but, whilst you are so right with your advice, doesn’t this indicate that something has gone wrong with this oh so precious and easily offended world?

Sometimes, some people just deserve a good smack in the mouth. It dispenses justice, it sorts things out quickly and decisively and avoids all this ***** footing around.

What the hell is wrong with allowing men to be men? 

Waiting for the insults, deleted post or ban for saying something that a lot of people think. We seem to care more for the perpetrators than the victims.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Harold Demure said:


> Sun C Mars, probably going to get caned for this but, whilst you are so right with your advice, doesn’t this indicate that something has gone wrong with this oh so precious and easily offended world?
> 
> Sometimes, some people just deserve a good smack in the mouth. It dispenses justice, it sorts things out quickly and decisively and avoids all this *** footing around.
> 
> ...


It would be anarchy if everyone went round meeting our their own justice.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Are we encouraging physical violence on TAM now?


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Are we encouraging physical violence on TAM now?


It’s actually about people being able, in certain circumstances, to stand up for and protect themselves and their family.

Take the above post when someone was extremely insulting to the poster’s wife as an example. What would you do, roll your eyes and tut loudly. Your partner must feel secure knowing you would have their back.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Harold Demure said:


> It’s actually about people being able, in certain circumstances, to stand up for and protect themselves and their family.
> 
> Take the above post when someone was extremely insulting to the poster’s wife as an example. What would you do, roll your eyes and tut loudly. Your partner must feel secure knowing you would have their back.


I understand self-defence, but is it really what you are advocating? That said, this is a massive thread-jack...


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I think it depends on how you define self defence. If it is defined as taking proactive steps to protect what is you or yours, then, yes that is what I am advocating. This would include, say defending my wife when someone is being threatening to her through abusive or insulting remarks and/or confrontation with an OM who is threatening my marriage where other means fail.

I do agree this is a massive thread Jack and we will probably have to agree to disagree


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@STD can't undo any of his past responses to his wife’s betrayal or her OM’s blatant disrespect. He needs to guidance on moving forward now. While most of us would be willing to bet our next mortgage payment that his WW had sex with OM, the OP is still holding out hope that his eyes and ears were lying to him. Getting the time line and then having her answer pertinent questions will give him what he needs to move forward or have closure.

Since you’re only going to be able to ask about 4 yes or no questions, you have to be strategic in dialing down on her affair. Of course the “did you have sex with him” is one of the questions but what else should you ask? Personally I think you must ask if she thought OM was the father of our 3rd child?
Her ending a nearly 4 years long affair right after the birth of your 3rd child is suspicious. For her to remain with the OM during conception and throughout the pregnancy, tells me she thought the baby could have been his. Once she saw that baby was not his, she ended their multi year affair. ( I wonder if she even did a DNA to verify.).

It could be a thread on another forum that I’m following where a WW had an 11 month sexual affair throughout the conception and birth of the 2nd child that has me extra cautious on OP’s situation but I just know that my spider sense went off as soon as I read that sentence. To me there’s something extra heinous of a wife having sex with another man while pregnant with your child that I couldn’t forgive. If she thought it was POS’ and she let him kiss her belly and they had intimate conversations about “their” baby, I couldn’t forgive that.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

There are consequences to responding with physical violence. This has been the case for as long as I have been around. I am pretty old.
Plus, fighting over a cheater just inflates her ego more.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Hope you are doing well. I know this stinks, but I promise you will get through this.

did you tell your wife’s AP’s gf about the affair?

have you scheduled the polygraph yet?
Be sure that you check her search history for anything related to “how to beat a polygraph”

good luck and stay strong. And remember that NONE OF THIS is your fault. She owns it all!!


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> If it was me the AP would have received a pointed fist to the face.


Some pragmatic objections to that. Not a moral one.



Diana7 said:


> It would be anarchy if everyone went round meeting our their own justice.


There is no other one that deserve to be called justice.



In Absentia said:


> Are we encouraging physical violence on TAM now?


No.
It´s not at all a good advice.
Because of only pragmatic considerations.
Peace is a good _*conditiona*_l value to have.



Megaforce said:


> There are consequences to responding with physical violence. This has been the case for as long as I have been around. I am pretty old.
> Plus, fighting over a cheater just inflates her ego more.


It may inflate some other parts of the OM besides his wife´s ego.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Are we encouraging physical violence on TAM now?


No. and such "advice" is dangerous as if enacted on the person taking that advice will be jailed, lose custody, get a restraining order, etc.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> No. and such "advice" is dangerous as if enacted on the person taking that advice will be jailed, lose custody, get a restraining order...


Right, is not a good advice to become physical.
The pragmatical costs of it


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> There are consequences to responding with physical violence. This has been the case for as long as I have been around. I am pretty old.
> *Plus, fighting over a cheater just inflates her ego more.*


I could not agree more.

What becomes near-impossible to deal with is when the other man manages to rub your face in *his having had* your wife.

With the snide looks, the side looks and grins at the wife.

We have seen this on some of the cheating threads here, with those best friends stabbing you in the back.

Those former best friends forever....BFF.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

STD said:


> Yes a polygraph is coming soon. I did confront the AP in a pointed letter after his fiancé found out.


OK, let's say she passes the poly- (amorous) -graph test.

The rest of the story paints her in a very bad light.
She was very disrespectful to you and her friend, the OM's fiancee.
As mentioned, she was very cold and nasty to you.

Why would you overlook this?

What value does she have (for you), other than her paycheck?

Yes, it is dirty water under the bridge, and is now in the past.
That same acid water permanently damaged the bridge between you and your wife.

I still recommend consequences, still recommend divorce.

If she bends over backwards to make amends, I might change my mind.
I don't see that happening.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @STD just checking in to see how things have went this week. Did you get the timeline and a polygraph scheduled? If so how was the results. Hope everything turns out well. Don't forget no matter how it turns out you have people here that can give you great advice no matter the situation. Best of luck!


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @STD just checking in to see how things have went this week. Did you get the timeline and a polygraph scheduled? If so how was the results. Hope everything turns out well. Don't forget no matter how it turns out you have people here that can give you great advice no matter the situation. Best of luck!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

STD said:


> Polygraph is tomorrow morning. I honestly expect it to be negative and prove she has been truthful. I personally think it was an emotional affair that almost became physical. Tomorrow will tell. My wife checks in everyday with info on her encounters at work. I also have access to her text, email, and video cameras at work. Everything has lined up with integrity since July……


That is so awesome. I do hope that she passes. I'd like it to be that nothing more than an EA went on.
I think, in principle, it's good for you to require the polygraph, because it shows her that you are willing to draw a red line on the marriage when it comes to affairs and infidelity.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

STD said:


> Polygraph is tomorrow morning. I honestly expect it to be negative and prove she has been truthful. I personally think it was an emotional affair that almost became physical. Tomorrow will tell. My wife checks in everyday with info on her encounters at work. I also have access to her text, email, and video cameras at work. Everything has lined up with integrity since July……


Not saying it WILL happen...but prepare yourself for the 'parking lot confession'. 

I hope it comes out as you are hoping. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

Delete


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

STD said:


> I will add one more detail. I am a terrible person. I cheated three times (physical affairs)on my wife from 2007-2009 with three different women. I kept it a secret for over 14 years until I discovered her emotional affair. At that point I figured Karma is a *** and I laid everything out on the table. My wife grew up very strict in a dysfunctional home. There are some points where she still is very naive and lacks insight on how men think and what motivates us. So, I truthfully believe she found herself deep in an emotional affair where she was in a fog and not knowing how to react to his physical advances. So, yes, there is another side to the story. I am 3 times worse than my wife and we deserve each other with how selfish and disloyal we both have been. I kept a dark secret for over a decade from my wife. I guess at that point I was just trying to keep the family together and raise our kids. I was scared she would leave me. So, because they both still work together, and we cannot afford her leaving this job, I asked her to take a Polygraph to ease my mind. That happens tomorrow morning and I am 99 % sure she will pass. From her on in, I want to move on heal our relationship. I will be seeking out counseling for my porn addiction which is a huge problem right now. So, now everybody Knows the rest of the story.


It's possible that she sensed your affairs through lack of attention to her, which planted seeds within her. 
You may want to look at a couple of books, How to light His fire and how to light her fire, by Ellen Kriedman.
They are just books that can teach how to feed your spouse emotionally, so they don't become tempted to wander.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

STD said:


> I will add one more detail. I am a terrible person. I cheated three times (physical affairs)on my wife from 2007-2009 with three different women. I kept it a secret for over 14 years until I discovered her emotional affair. At that point I figured Karma is a *** and I laid everything out on the table. My wife grew up very strict in a dysfunctional home. There are some points where she still is very naive and lacks insight on how men think and what motivates us. So, I truthfully believe she found herself deep in an emotional affair where she was in a fog and not knowing how to react to his physical advances. So, yes, there is another side to the story. I am 3 times worse than my wife and we deserve each other with how selfish and disloyal we both have been. I kept a dark secret for over a decade from my wife. I guess at that point I was just trying to keep the family together and raise our kids. I was scared she would leave me. So, because they both still work together, and we cannot afford her leaving this job, I asked her to take a Polygraph to ease my mind. That happens tomorrow morning and I am 99 % sure she will pass. From her on in, I want to move on heal our relationship. I will be seeking out counseling for my porn addiction which is a huge problem right now. So, now everybody Knows the rest of the story.


That’s good did you chose the questions? Either way I hope you did not share with what the questions will be. Let us know. Best of luck! Either way you both need intense IC first then MC as well.


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> That’s good did you chose the questions? Either way I hope you did not share with what the questions will be. Let us know. Best of luck! Either way you both need intense IC first then MC as well.


YES!


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## STD (Nov 12, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> It's possible that she sensed your affairs through lack of attention to her, which planted seeds within her.
> You may want to look at a couple of books, How to light His fire and how to light her fire, by Ellen Kriedman.
> They are just books that can teach how to feed your spouse emotionally, so they don't become tempted to wander.


Delete


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She may confess in the parking lot. Don’t be surprised.
But even if she does make sure she still takes the polygraph.
I think she started being mean to you when it became a physical affair.

It’s shocking you don’t require her to change companies NOW. You want money more than the marriage? Come on.
She could easily have found a new job since last July. Tell her to start the search.

Is the OM still getting married?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

STD said:


> I will add one more detail. I am a terrible person. I cheated three times (physical affairs)on my wife from 2007-2009 with three different women. I kept it a secret for over 14 years until I discovered her emotional affair. At that point I figured Karma is a *** and I laid everything out on the table. My wife grew up very strict in a dysfunctional home. There are some points where she still is very naive and lacks insight on how men think and what motivates us. So, I truthfully believe she found herself deep in an emotional affair where she was in a fog and not knowing how to react to his physical advances. So, yes, there is another side to the story. I am 3 times worse than my wife and we deserve each other with how selfish and disloyal we both have been. I kept a dark secret for over a decade from my wife. I guess at that point I was just trying to keep the family together and raise our kids. I was scared she would leave me. So, because they both still work together, and we cannot afford her leaving this job, I asked her to take a Polygraph to ease my mind. That happens tomorrow morning and I am 99 % sure she will pass. From her on in, I want to move on heal our relationship. I will be seeking out counseling for my porn addiction which is a huge problem right now. So, now everybody Knows the rest of the story.


Hmmm.
Well that throws a whole new light on the situation.

So, I hope that when you started demanding a polygraph from her that you also had the personal integrity and balls to offer to take a polygraph of your own for her sake.

Nobody likes a hypocrite,
especially around these parts.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

STD said:


> Polygraph is tomorrow morning. I honestly expect it to be negative and prove she has been truthful. I personally think it was an emotional affair that almost became physical. Tomorrow will tell. My wife checks in everyday with info on her encounters at work. I also have access to her text, email, and video cameras at work. Everything has lined up with integrity since July……





STD said:


> I will add one more detail. I am a terrible person. I cheated three times (physical affairs)on my wife from 2007-2009 with three different women. I kept it a secret for over 14 years until I discovered her emotional affair. At that point I figured Karma is a *** and I laid everything out on the table. My wife grew up very strict in a dysfunctional home. There are some points where she still is very naive and lacks insight on how men think and what motivates us. So, I truthfully believe she found herself deep in an emotional affair where she was in a fog and not knowing how to react to his physical advances. So, yes, there is another side to the story. I am 3 times worse than my wife and we deserve each other with how selfish and disloyal we both have been. I kept a dark secret for over a decade from my wife. I guess at that point I was just trying to keep the family together and raise our kids. I was scared she would leave me. So, because they both still work together, and we cannot afford her leaving this job, I asked her to take a Polygraph to ease my mind. That happens tomorrow morning and I am 99 % sure she will pass. From her on in, I want to move on heal our relationship. I will be seeking out counseling for my porn addiction which is a huge problem right now. So, now everybody Knows the rest of the story.


Well, you've definitely destroyed the vast majority of the sympathy for you, but thank you for being honest. In spite of this I think the polygraph is the right way to go. I would offer her your willingness to take one too, if she desires it. You both screwed up, and yeah, you screwed up way worse, but at least it is all on the table now. I hope this works out for you and your wife. How did she react to your revelation that you have had multiple affairs in the past?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

STD said:


> Polygraph is tomorrow morning. I honestly expect it to be negative and prove she has been truthful. I personally think it was an emotional affair that almost became physical. Tomorrow will tell. My wife checks in everyday with info on her encounters at work. I also have access to her text, email, and video cameras at work. Everything has lined up with integrity since July……


Is this how you really want to live your life? Monitoring your wife like you are her parole officer? How about an ankle transmitter? How about a subdermal transponder under the skin above her collar bone? How many years do you plan to do this. How long will you be able to stand looking over your shoulder to see if there are men coming after your wife to screw her while you are not looking?

A good wife never would have put her husband in the position of having to polygraph her like a criminal. A woman with self-respect and who respected her husband would not have to be earning his trust back. But then again there is no trust in the marriage is there after what you did to her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does your wife want to stay with you after you cheated with three women?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm not clear on whether or not you told her about your affairs?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How did the polygraph go?

Do you plan to tell your wife about your past cheating?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Your wife may go from a defensive position to an offensive one when she's had time to mull over your own revelations. Betrayal on both sides for sure, but the degree between them is pretty big. Good luck.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i have, apparently, lost the meaning of this whole thread.

so YOU physically cheated on her 3 times, and are worried about ONE EA she had herself?

why don't you just man up, forgive her, and try to re-form a stable loving marriage at this point. what is the point of a polygraph???


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

STD said:


> I will add one more detail. I am a terrible person. I cheated three times (physical affairs)on my wife from 2007-2009 with three different women. I kept it a secret for over 14 years until I discovered her emotional affair. At that point I figured Karma is a *** and I laid everything out on the table. My wife grew up very strict in a dysfunctional home. There are some points where she still is very naive and lacks insight on how men think and what motivates us. So, I truthfully believe she found herself deep in an emotional affair where she was in a fog and not knowing how to react to his physical advances. So, yes, there is another side to the story. I am 3 times worse than my wife and we deserve each other with how selfish and disloyal we both have been. I kept a dark secret for over a decade from my wife. I guess at that point I was just trying to keep the family together and raise our kids. I was scared she would leave me. So, because they both still work together, and we cannot afford her leaving this job, I asked her to take a Polygraph to ease my mind. That happens tomorrow morning and I am 99 % sure she will pass. From her on in, I want to move on heal our relationship. I will be seeking out counseling for my porn addiction which is a huge problem right now. So, now everybody Knows the rest of the story.


Really unbelievable that you could think the way you currently do after what you've done. The selfishness of what you did and how you are acting toward her are extreme. You need IC badly and you should probably just let her go so she can find someone that is deserving of her. You certainly are not. I hope one day your kids find out about who you really are. Karma works in weird ways, but it always works.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

OP has now deleted everything he could on this thread.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Openminded said:


> OP has now deleted everything he could on this thread.


Another one...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Did he really have 3 PAs? Does that last update even match with the original few post? The last revelation sounded like a BH that’s coming up with a reason to stay with his WW, so to not seem weak to a bunch of strangers, he makes himself out to be worse but the new revelations were incongruous with the original post. Instead of using TAM to help him hash out his marital issues, he now decided to delete his posts. 

@STD make sure you find out why she ended her nearly 4 years long love affair right after the birth of your 3rd child. You know that her growing tired of OM just doesn’t hold water.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> OP has now deleted everything he could on this thread.


Yes. He wasn't very happy at the reaction of the news that he had cheated with 3 women.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes. He wasn't very happy at the reaction of the news that he had cheated with 3 women.


I agree it was either that or she failed the poly today.


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