# Need experienced advice please



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Hello All,
It has been a while since Ive been here. A lot has happened. Divorce, two moves one big one small, four job changes, one of two kids graduated from high school, new romance. Wow the time has flown over the last 5 years.
Ive come again in hope to get some advice and shared experiences. My daughter turned 19 in September. Not even a full week after she announces to me at 1 a.m. that she is moving out of our home and into a trashy rental with a 30 year old man who works part time, drinks and she hasnt known even 3 months. Yesterday they were to be married. She didnt tell anyone in the families. She has shut us all out pretty good.
She has major issues due to her absentee father, our divorce, abandonment, low self esteem, depression and rejection. What can I do, how can I help her, how do I cope with this?
Thank you,
Panicked Mom


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

honeysuckle04 said:


> She has shut us all out pretty good.


Yes, it seems that is true. She has become an adult and is asserting her independence. 



honeysuckle04 said:


> She has major issues


Yes, she does. She is looking for, and has found, a father figure, one of a very low degree as you describe him. She will have more issues when this is over in a year or a few. She has come to the point of life where she must understand that her "issues" are her CHOICES. "Absentee father" is now an excuse, not a reason. She has her own mind. Her mind is where "absentee father" is.....



honeysuckle04 said:


> What can I do


Nothing. And, nothing is the BEST thing you can do for her. Allow the consequences, and don't solve her problem. Let her solve her own problems.



honeysuckle04 said:


> how do I cope with this?


You did the best job you could under the circumstances of your life. Be satisfied that your parenting responsibility to your daughter is now over. You can "be there" for her, as a sounding board, you can offer advice if she asks for it, but that's it..... her formative years are gone, it is time she puts on her big-girl dress and meets the world on it's terms....be an example for her.....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just be the best mum you can and support her when she needs it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

There is not much you can do because kids will do what they are going to do. Don't be surprised if you daughter shows up on your doorstep wanting to come home. Been there and done that.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

As a parent, it seems like I've been a total failure with my 17 year old daughter. I don't want her to experience the same challenges that I went through. But by doing that, I've sheltered her way too much and both my ex and I created a sloth.

What I do know is that she is almost an adult and will have to make her own mistakes, just like I did. As long as our kids know we love them, it will be ok.

Sometimes, we have to let go and hope our adult children make good decisions. My daughter wants to take a year off after graduation. A year to relax and do nothing...she doesn't even have a job. She has no idea how rough it is out there in the world.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Trickster said:


> As a parent, it seems like I've been a total failure with my 17 year old daughter. I don't want her to experience the same challenges that I went through. But by doing that, I've sheltered her way too much and both my ex and I created a sloth.
> 
> What I do know is that she is almost an adult and will have to make her own mistakes, just like I did. As long as our kids know we love them, it will be ok.
> 
> Sometimes, we have to let go and hope our adult children make good decisions. My daughter wants to take a year off after graduation. A year to relax and do nothing...she doesn't even have a job. She has no idea how rough it is out there in the world.


She may get bored soon enough to want to do something. What are her friends like? Sometimes they want their friends have. IF it's to work or to study, that's a good thing. Call your daughter's school and speak to counselor. Does she know of any programs for people her age that can give her a new experience? Or know of some clearinghouse that keeps that type of info?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I'm not too worried. She is a good teenager. She just needs a bigger shove. Her 529 college fund has been building since the day she was born, probably enough for four years. She will work and she will go to college. Especially when her friends go off.


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