# Waking up to panic - Need to get through this



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It seems like every morning I am waking up and panicking over my loss. Anyone who has seen my other threads knows that my WS cheated and then left me for OM. D-Day was four months ago. I am here in my home country for a couple of months to regain sanity and now WS and OM are living together full time with our two young daughters. 

It's a total nightmare for me. 

I was very much in love with my wife. She's talented, beautiful, charming, etc. and not a trashy person. We're both educated people and we like each other's families. Despite her flaws, I think it will take me a long time to find someone like her again. She and my children lit up my life. 

The idea of her kissing him, having sex with him, making dinner for him, loving him more than me, etc. etc. is driving me insane.
I feel so used and abused. Does she love him more than she ever loved me? This is the question that goes through my head every day. 

To make it worse, she told me this the other day (I'm paraphrasing):

_"I know I screwed up. I look at pictures of us and I know this is what I wanted: marriage for life, a family, etc. This was precious to me. My big regret is that I was not strong enough during our brief (1 week) attempt to reconcile. But I know it's too late now since I am with him. My heart is with him, and I will build a life with him. ... "I do not regret the affair. I learned a lot about our couple from it." (and then later) "I'll always love you."_

This makes me feel like sh*t. 

I think if I had only worked out, or worn cologne, asked her more questions, or done this done that, then I wouldn't be in this position. It drives me insane because I can't go back and fix things. It seems like love can become so fragile at the seven year mark. 

I FEEL I CAN NEVER GET OVER THIS.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

staystrong said:


> _"I know I screwed up. I look at pictures of us and I know this is what I wanted: marriage for life, a family, etc. This was precious to me. My big regret is that I was not strong enough during our brief (1 week) attempt to reconcile. But I know it's too late now since I am with him. My heart is with him, and I will build a life with him. ... (and then later) I'll always love you."_


I know you love her, but this is a terrible thing your wife has done. This is not the behavior of a good person. It simply isn't. What kind of woman moves her lover into her home with her children with her estranged husband in the wings?

You need to take a break from crying in your beer and get proactive about your children. Some countries' courts respect the international treaty on child custody that they've signed, but others don't. Have you learned what your rights are?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Drama queen and total BS. Do not believe one word of it. She wrote/said that to ease her guilt none of it is true. Erase it from your mind.

She is attempting to keep you hooked since she may need something from you.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

In my first marriage, this was a similar case. Wife left with OM and didn't even really open the door to an R. 

Worst months of my whole life - your pain is normal. I was so crushed and obsessed about how easy it was (on face value) for her to start a new life that didn't include me. I was just in utter shock.

Discarded & Abandoned.

Right before the D was approved by the courts, the affair with the OM ended (fog lifted) and she apologized. It was too late for her, she couldn't deal with stepping up to her lies and actions. She was too prideful, so it was better for her to just move on then deal with the hard issues. She also wanted to go wild as a single business woman in the city... S6x and the City was so popular then and she idolized it.


The interactions we did have, I thought like you. I thought there was a secret formula to saving this marriage. I needed to say exactly XYZ, then do ABC, then follow up with ... etc. A whole step-by-step perfect plan.

Do not drive yourself crazy with that - there is no such thing, no secret steps that will really matter. Yes, think about improving yourself in ways that your wife and other women would suggest you to do. Maybe she'll notice, maybe she wont. Do it for yourself, not her or your marriage.

The only thing I can say, endure. It took 9 months for me to start clawing out of the funk your in. Find some good male friends and surround yourself with them.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> In my first marriage, this was a similar case. Wife left with OM and didn't even really open the door to an R.
> 
> Worst months of my whole life - your pain is normal. I was so crushed and obsessed about how easy it was (on face value) for her to start a new life that didn't include me. I was just in utter shock.
> 
> ...


Rodeo, thanks for this. This is one of those posts where I feel like someone is really relating with a similar story. 

Did you want to R when she dropped OM? You didn't indicate. 

No kids in the picture, I presume?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Drama queen and total BS. Do not believe one word of it. She wrote/said that to ease her guilt none of it is true. Erase it from your mind.
> 
> She is attempting to keep you hooked since she may need something from you.


Are they really this evil and manipulative? I'm asking that honestly, I'm not trying to defend her. (To me it's selfish of her to say that.)

I have to assume they are also conflicted.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I forgot to add that she said this too:

_"I do not regret the affair. I learned a lot about our couple from it."_

Part of me understands this, part of me just wants to say "you're ridiculous and full of yourself."


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Are they really this evil and manipulative? I'm asking that honestly, I'm not trying to defend her. (To me it's selfish of her to say that.)
> 
> I have to assume they are also conflicted.


Yes, they are really this manipulative. Thread after thread we read stories like this. Remember, the void is within them and instead of trying to fix what is wrong in the existing relationship, they decide to take the easy way out.

I will agree with you. The mornings are the worst. But everyone tells me that time will heal every wound. Whenever I feel very vulnerable I remind myself that I should not shed any tear for a woman who didn't think twice before giving me the worst nightmare of my life.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

life101 said:


> Whenever I feel very vulnerable I remind myself that I should not shed any tear for a woman who didn't think twice before giving me the worst nightmare of my life.


I think she thought twice. She went to a therapist before making her decision to cheat with the person she was attracted to. In a way, this hurts worse. It became a calculated decision.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I think she thought twice. She went to a therapist before making her decision to cheat with the person she was attracted to. In a way, this hurts worse. It became a calculated decision.


Then you should also do the same. Would you like to spend the rest of your life with a person who evaluates human emotions on a measuring scale? Sure it hurts now, but in the long run I think we will be better off without WSs. 

I know for you kids are involved and that's a tragedy. I pray they come out alright from this mess.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Did you want to R when she dropped OM? You didn't indicate.


Yes, I still did. However, when she dropped the OM she still wanted to experience single woman party life. She really didn't party in high school and college - very wholesome girl. She waited till we were married to do the full deed (she purposely was a virgin). That made it so much worse for me envisioning her giving herself so easily to another man... and then other men.




staystrong said:


> No kids in the picture, I presume


No kids. I had it MUCH easier than you. I didn't have to: see her to pick-up the kids, worry about my kids around some sleezeball that picks up married women, listen to what they share about "mommy & step-daddy", or come to terms that - even after the D - I would have to deal with this woman for the rest of my life (because of kids).


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## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

staystrong..i thought i was the one who feel this pain..we both have same situation!until now, the pain is still here..


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

betterme said:


> staystrong..i thought i was the one who feel this pain..we both have same situation!until now, the pain is still here..


A lot has changed for me since the two months I started this particular thread. You should start a thread Betterme and talk about your issues. It will help. I wish had I started writing, whereas I just lurked during the time I really needed the help.


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## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

staystrong..thank u!..atleast now, i found out that this pain that im encountering now is normal and im not alone!..and this page help me a lot!so proud of you...


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## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

you're still lucky...coz in your country there is a divorce!unlike here in my country NONE!so weather i like or not i need to used his last name for the rest of my life!and that's one of my reason why until now i'm not happy and not move on!so weird..right?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm still in a lot of pain, trust me. Every day is painful.

Last week I moved back to the country where my soon to be ex wife and children are. I have no family here, and just a couple of new friends. Besides my kids, I'm utterly alone. So yes, I'm very angry at my wife for putting me in this situation. Very angry, very hurt and feeling very alone and depressed. 

What country are you in that you are married for life? No reason for divorce - ever?


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I forgot to add that she said this too:
> 
> _"I do not regret the affair. I learned a lot about our couple from it."_
> 
> Part of me understands this, part of me just wants to say "you're ridiculous and full of yourself."


If you really even care to respond, and maybe your silence is the best answer you can give her, I will probably say something like this:

"I'm so glad your affair was a wonderful learning experience for _you_. As for me, I had always that loving someone meant doing things that were good for _them_[/I] and wanting to share _their_ happiness. Seems I was wrong."


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

You do realize that your wife and her OM have only a 3% chance of their relationship working out. Relationships that start in affairs rarely work out for the long term.


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## betterme (Jan 23, 2013)

staystrong...no reasons for divorce ever!we have here the annulment, but it takes a years..sometimes if the reason is not valid for separation they will not consider it.and if you do not have enough money for the annulment nothing is happen!

yes your right, every day is painful!and it really hurts the most when i saw him his happy without me.. i have lot's of question in my mind, why he choose to hurt me this way even though i gave all of my life to him..all the thing's that he wants.. i tried to be a perfect wife for him. but in the end it's nothing!, i want him to feel what i feel right now, he destroyed me a lot!


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

staystrong said:


> I'm still in a lot of pain, trust me. Every day is painful.
> 
> Last week I moved back to the country where my soon to be ex wife and children are. I have no family here, and just a couple of new friends. Besides my kids, I'm utterly alone. So yes, I'm very angry at my wife for putting me in this situation. Very angry, very hurt and feeling very alone and depressed.
> 
> What country are you in that you are married for life? No reason for divorce - ever?


Hey StayStrong,
Reading through your thread brings all the pain back for me as well, walking out of the home I loved, from the kids I loved, built with the woman I loved was the worst day of my life, THE WORST. I felt like the Omega Man, ALONE on the earth, connecting with no one. We were together for 19 years, she felt like so much a part of me that I was, psychologically, loosing huge parts of myself. She, the X, also said breaking up, leaving me, was like cutting off her arm. 

Often the cheating/divorcing wives are ambiguous, and they set up a support system to give them the strength to leave. My X-wifes support system were her OM (who she married, had a kid, and 10 years later seems very unhappy), her best friends, sister, and therapist. The difference in my D and perhaps how you are now feeling about your X: I grew a red-hot passionate hatred of my X. Initially, months after the D, like you, I still loved her, and wanted to stay together, despite how cruel she was, I had beaten myself down, I gave myself NO RESPECT (kind of repeating the same pattern now with the current wife), blamed myself, and continued to idolize her as I was walking out the door. The hatred developed as it sunk in what a cruel and selfish person this is, someone I don't know, someone I had turned into a beautiful woman IN MY OWN HEAD, but when I got some distance, got away from the '"must save marriage" mentality, my X was easy to hate. 

In my opinion, you will begin to see her realistically, as the BTCH who cruelly broke your heart, had an A and took your children away from you. Personally, she sounds awful to me, I suspect you will realize this soon. 

Also, starting to date and be intimate with other woman made a big difference. That is the true recovery, the true moving on to a normal life. 

I know "therapists" often say one is not ready to start dating unitl about a year after the D. That is BS! You should start dating ASAP, my opinion. You are getting no younger, force yourself to move on ASAP. 

All the best.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> If you really even care to respond, and maybe your silence is the best answer you can give her, I will probably say something like this:
> 
> "I'm so glad your affair was a wonderful learning experience for _you_. As for me, I had always that loving someone meant doing things that were good for _them_[/I] and wanting to share _their_ happiness. Seems I was wrong."


My X BTCH said that too!! She learned a lot through the A, she had no guilt, she was happy it happened. Of course, destroying me, taking her children's father away and forcing them to live with a step-dad, who does not treat them well, by the way, no regrets for any of that, because she "learned a lot about herself". 

Is that not outrageous!! How can you love a woman like that. I am hating her myself, as I know the type.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You need to go out, learn to meet new people. It's hard, hard work. Find someone you casually know and have them introduce you to other people. Go out with people from work. 

If you know no one, you must build a circle. It's not easy, but with each link in that chain it will get easier. 

Go to bars, go to movies with people, whatever. Go to a friends for dinner, something. You must build new relationships with people. 

And her? She sounds like a manipulative harpy. When the other guy leaves, or she leaves, or the clock strikes midnight and it turns into a pumpkin she will regret leaving you.


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