# H's Best Friend Crossed the Line



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I was getting vibes from my husband's best friend that he liked me. So I posted here for advice and told my husband. I also asked him to talk to his best friend about it without accusing him of anything. He didnt feel it was necessary because he didn't think his BF liked me but he agreed to do it. We see the BF and his wife once a week almost every week (so 3-4 times a month).

Since I've last posted about this my H and I have gotten into arguments over this. When we were to go see them, I would encourage him to go alone. Why do I even need to be over there when his BF makes me feel the way I do? My plan was to see a lot less of his BF. My H argued that when I go along it's more fun. And he'd say I dont have to worry about you calling me because I stay so late, etc. I felt like I was being forced into a situation I didn't want to be in. He would argue his friend doens't like me under those terms and I am worrying over nothing. 

Well we went over there again last night. When we arrived his friend had already been drinking. My husband doesn't drink. I do drink but I would use my husband as an excuse for not drinking while over there. When we got there his BF's wife started drinking also and I was asked numerous times to take a drink. I decided to take one to get them off my back. I didn't take more than that. 

His wife came up to me and we were being all cuddly because it was so funny to us. And when my husband got up to go to the bathroom, his BF went over to the other side of me. He went to reach for his wife and grabbed my boob in the process. I sat back and he grabbed me again on his way back. This was not a slide or a pat but a firm grab both times.

I got up, my husband came out of the bathroom and I stuck to him like glue. I faked tiredness as fast as I could to try to leave without trying to make things akward for anyone. I didn't want to say anything right than. I wanted to leave. 

Now I am back here with this problem, my husband is asleep and Im the god damned one that has to tell him this **** in the mourning. I tried to do what I could from my end to prevent this. I didn't want to come in between this relationship. I tried to head it off. Now I'm sitting here unable to sleep, typing trying to figure out how did I get into this mess? Where did I go wrong? What could I have done to prevent this? *sigh*


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

I wouldnt be so hard on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.

Where was bf wife when he groped you? Did she see?

I would tell H what happened and you will no longer be friends with his bf. He disrepected H and you by doing so you are his wife and he should stand by you!

My former bf would have a broken nose if he ever touched my wife inappropriately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

tokn said:


> I wouldnt be so hard on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.
> 
> Where was bf wife when he groped you? Did she see?
> 
> ...


That's one of the things I'm trying to work out. Did his wife see? I keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I was literally shoulder to shoulder with his wife when the BF came over. So I ended up in between both of them. That's how he was able to sneak a grab at my boob while reaching for her. 

But she's not the type to not say anything if she had seen. I'm not sure if she didn't see it or if she saw and didn't say anything because she had been drinking. 

I am going to tell my husband. I'm going to let him have his sleep right now and tell him in the mourning.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You did nothing wrong. You should tell your H about it and then inform him that you tried but you can not be near that man ever again. He should not pressure you into hanging out with people that make you feel uncomfortable.

I hope that your H takes this well and that things will be ok. I would recomend giving him a day or two to really take in what you are going to tell him. Even if he gets all in denial about it. This will be a big thing to take.

I wish you would have said something right then and there to defend your self. You have every right to tell someone touching you to get their hands off you and who cares about what happens next cause chances are they would be more likely to respect you and realize that you have boundaires.

Best of luck to you


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Maybe they think youre up for a bit of swinging? His openness in groping you in front of his wife suggests to me that him and his wife may have discussed this possibility and trying to get you to drink may have loosened your inhibitions maybe? I think you need to tell your husband though regardless if the reasons. At the very least he needs to know that his bf has totally disrespected their friendship by doing this to you when he left the room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You didn't say anything in the moment like "you grabbed my boob!!"
Why not?
I would have said something then and there especially if it happened twice and there was no mistaking what he was doing.

Tell your husband what happened. I hope he doesn't say you're imagining things.
I also got the impression the other man might have been trying to gauge your interest in a threesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Why are you making this such a huge deal and much more stressful than it should be?

Some guy is attracted to you and can only think with his d***. Many men fall into that hole. 

All you had to do and still have to do is set your own boundaries without automatically considering the friendship over. 

Pull your husband's best friend aside and tell him "Hey *******, stay away or I'll kick you in the nuts".

If he keeps being an *******, embarrass him in front of his wife, your husband and preferably a crowd.

Make the situation fun, not sad and stressful. 

I don't understand why this has to end the friendship. The friend is being a d**k. Up your game and put him in his place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Love Song, 

I agree with the idea of you giving this guy one chance to back down by talking directly to him. Just tell him NO and if it happens again all hell wil break out.

I also think that his wife was in on this... that they two of them want you to join them in a 3-some. The night was a set-up for letting you know.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yeah, the whole swinging thing is a high possibility too.

Are you and your husband into that stuff anyway?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is the man who said "I love you" on the phone twice to you, right? You didn't want to confront him then. I remember the male posters on TAM wanted your husband to confront him. I remember saying I would talk directly to the man without having my husband come to my rescue. You're still waiting for your husband to set up your boundaries. You could easily tell this guy to back off without your husband having to do it. If someone touches you inappropriately, you don't wait for someone else to come to your rescue. You have a right to tell someone "hey, cut that out!" That's what I teach my kids.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You should have slapped his face and left immediately!
What a tosser!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I hadn't even considered that. They want a three some with me?? My god no. But now that you mention it I do remember (and I don't remember how long ago) them bringing that up to me. The BF asked if it's something I would ever do (his wife was there). When they said they would give it a try, they asked me how they were going to find another girl. I told them I didn't know. I've never considered doing things with them. 

And WTF are they thinking? what if it didn't work out? How would he still be friends with my husband? And he should know that my husband would never share me, he should know that. 

Well I'm glad to hear you guys think this can be worked out. I told my husband we need to talk and he asked me if it can wait til tonight. I told him yes. I'm going to try to talk to his BF now before I talk to my H.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> This is the man who said "I love you" on the phone twice to you, right? You didn't want to confront him then. I remember the male posters on TAM wanted your husband to confront him. I remember saying I would talk directly to the man without having my husband come to my rescue. You're still waiting for your husband to set up your boundaries. You could easily tell this guy to back off without your husband having to do it. If someone touches you inappropriately, you don't wait for someone else to come to your rescue. You have a right to tell someone "hey, cut that out!" That's what I teach my kids.


yes this is the same guy. Normally I take care of myself and tell my husband how it goes. Normally I'd only ask my husband for help if I thought things might get physical. But this is his best friend and because of that I really wanted him to take care of it. Looks like it's in my hands now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I hadn't even considered that. They want a three some with me?? My god no. But now that you mention it I do remember (and I don't remember how long ago) them bringing that up to me. The BF asked if it's something I would ever do (his wife was there). When they said they would give it a try, they asked me how they were going to find another girl. I told them I didn't know. I've never considered doing things with them.
> 
> And WTF are they thinking? what if it didn't work out? How would he still be friends with my husband? And he should know that my husband would never share me, he should know that.
> 
> Well I'm glad to hear you guys think this can be worked out. I told my husband we need to talk and he asked me if it can wait til tonight. I told him yes. I'm going to try to talk to his BF now before I talk to my H.


When you talk to the BF, ask him if it's about a 3-some thing first. Then if he says yes, tell him to back off and stop it. That you would never hurt your husband that way and you don't go for group sex.

Then call his wife and tell her the same thing. If it's about a 3-some you have to talk to both of them. But do it individually, because as a team, if they are together they will 'work' you.

Since this has come up at least twice where they did something when your husband was not around, they are probably hoping that you will do it behind your husband's back.

Also, since he told you that he love you over the phone.. he probably talked his wife into this to get to you. That way she cannot accuse him of cheating with you.. since the two of them are in on it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You should have slapped his face and left immediately!
> What a tosser!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is EXACTLY what I was thinking!

Tell your husband what happened and if he doesn't take it seriously ask him if full penetration is what it has to come to for him to see your boundaries have been crossed. Frankly I'd be a little concerned about your husband's nonchalant attitude.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I hadn't even considered that. They want a three some with me?? My god no. But now that you mention it I do remember (and I don't remember how long ago) them bringing that up to me. The BF asked if it's something I would ever do (his wife was there). When they said they would give it a try, they asked me how they were going to find another girl. I told them I didn't know. I've never considered doing things with them.
> 
> And WTF are they thinking? what if it didn't work out? How would he still be friends with my husband? And he should know that my husband would never share me, he should know that.
> 
> Well I'm glad to hear you guys think this can be worked out. I told my husband we need to talk and he asked me if it can wait til tonight. I told him yes. I'm going to try to talk to his BF now before I talk to my H.


Are you absolutely sure your husband isn't game for this? Frankly if my wife told me a man was hitting on her I would be very angry and confront immediately. Your husband's attitude concerns me more than his friend's.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Are you absolutely sure your husband isn't game for this? Frankly if my wife told me a man was hitting on her I would be very angry and confront immediately. Your husband's attitude concerns me more than his friend's.


Yes I am sure. We have only ever had intercourse with each other. My husband doesn't want to change that and as he says he's not going to share me. I've had a guy hit on me in the past and when the guy didn't listen to me my husband took care of it. THis was before we were married. I've noticed my husbands approach to this is different, I think it's because it's his best friend.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not so sure your husband hasn't had a hand in orchestrating this. Have you confronted him yet? This could be an elaborate setup for a swing session.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

he just needs his azz kicked, maybe your husband too if he doesnt back you now.

tell him about them inquiring about a threesome and now this other stuff, and he thinks nothing is going on?

i would never continue being a friend with someone who is obviously so not.

when he grabbed you, you should have made like you were going to rub his crotch then suddenly grabbed his nutz like a vice and said 'is this hint obvious enough for you?'


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Well I'm glad to hear you guys think this can be worked out. I told my husband we need to talk and he asked me if it can wait til tonight. I told him yes. I'm going to try to talk to his BF now before I talk to my H.


 If you were going to talk to your husband's friend, you should have done it on the spot when it happened. Since you did not and wanted to talk to your husband first, you need to talk to your husband first. Also do not let it wait until tonight. the longer that you wait to tell your husband, the less significant it will appear to him.

Talk to your husband and do it now. The other man grabbed you intimately 2 times. It was not an accident. He and his wife talked about a threesome with you and they all but asked you if you would agree. You know that the husband's so called friend wants to have sex with you now for sure. You know that if you wanted to have sex with him, that you could. Clearly he does not value your husband's friendship as much as he would value having sex with you. This was a big time crossing the line and your husband needs to man up and realize that he is being played the fool by this other man who is not really his friend. If I were your husband, you would not need to tell me any more for me to take strong action.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Yes I am sure. We have only ever had intercourse with each other. My husband doesn't want to change that and as he says he's not going to share me. I've had a guy hit on me in the past and when the guy didn't listen to me my husband took care of it. THis was before we were married. I've noticed my husbands approach to this is different, I think it's because it's his best friend.


I hope you're right. I'm concerned that if your husband doesn't step up to the plate and take care of this you will lose some respect for him. This is not right and you have every reason to feel violated and pissed off.


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## Kasus (Mar 31, 2012)

With guy friends I'm sure your husband and his BF talk about sex and macho talk all the time, but there is normally always a respect with guy friends not to trash talk the woman they each other respect, e.g. mothers and wives. You need to tell your husband this and if he does not outright correct his friends behavious, you need to set him straight. Otherwise there something wrong with your husband in my opinion and it's something that's going to end up being a problem with not just this friend.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Love Song said:


> I felt like I was being forced into a situation I didn't want to be in.


This sentence sums up your whole problem. You have lost your sense of self in this situation and haven't learned to say 'no'.

Won't even get into how I feel about your husband. Seems he values his friend more than he values you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Set up another night with the BF and his wife, and right befof you walk in tell him if he graps me again I'm taking him to the floor.

Your H won't believe you and again BF "doesn't like you like that way",right? Well girl you should be your H's best friend, screw the BF and set the POS up and when he goes for it take him down with a solid shot in the stomach.

This will clear the air for everyone involved, a boundry will be set (not sure what kind of boundry) and a new direction will need to be taken as far as how your H wants to deal with *all* of his relationships.

Women up and hurt this POS for what your H has refussed to see...be your H new best friend and protectect him hrom being used.

At the very least make a seen and and stop allowing the BF to play off you submissive nature.

Dom up girl and stop this POS ! It may take some time but put in the effort by doing the heavy lifting...I have a feeling this could be a big change in your life...an eye opener that may give you that step up in handleling lifes obsticles.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should have called him out right there in front of his wife and your husband. At this point, by your inaction, you're enabling him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And why were you "cuddling" his wife???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And why were you "cuddling" his wife???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes, i agree, especially when you already know she was interested in you sexually. :/
and doing it in front of her husband, who you know wants you sexually then you do this and you know it will get him going...sexually


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Is there an update?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I meant to post this sooner but have been busy. 

The other day I went to speak to his BF. I asked him if they were interested in a 3 some and if that was why he touched my boob? He said that I was very beautiful and yes they wanted to if everyone could agree to it. But he didn't know if my husband would. 

I told him I dont know what makes him think that I would. That he knows for certain my husband would not agree to it based off the discussions we've had before. And that If my husband were ever ok with a 3 some I would never do it with them because I'm not coming inbetween them. That to do it with them could be a disaster and I wasn't willing to risk it. I also said that I am not attracted to him or his wife. I tried not to get emotional the whole time but also wanted to make myself clear that a 3 some with him and his wife was not what I desired nor wanted. That was my plan going in and I think he got the point. 

Later that night came the talk with my husband. First I told him what happened the last time we were over his BF's house. I let him vent. He is not happy about it. He is pissed. He said that the only person he trusts more than his BF is me and that he betrayed him like this is the worst thing. I asked him if he had talked to his BF like I had asked and he said no, that he was going to do it but hadn't. 

After he calmed down a little bit I told him about the talk I had with his BF. He said he doesn't know why he would even take it there. The way he explained it to me, they have had countless conversations in the past (mostly before we were even together) about this type of thing. THey both had always agreed that any girl dating the other would become the sister. They would never date each other's ex or do anything with that person they wouldn't do with their own sister. 

He said he would never trust him again. He never wants him around me again. He said if I had said something when it happened I already know how it would have ended (meaning he would have beat the **** out of him). And as far as he is concerned he doesn't exist. 

I told him I agree the BF took things to far but dont make any decisions about things until you've calmed down. They were each a big part of each other's lives. We would all meet up once a week and they talked in between than on the phone. We'll the BF has called a few times and my husband doesn't answer. He came over last night and I talked my husband out of answering the door. I dont want things to turn to violence. 

I dont know what the future holds but this is the situation as it stands.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> yes, i agree, especially when you already know she was interested in you sexually. :/
> and doing it in front of her husband, who you know wants you sexually then you do this and you know it will get him going...sexually


I did not believe the BF's wife was interested in me. She isn't bi-sexual. I had a drink, I relaxed, his wife came over to me and I went along with it. We would cuddle and just laugh, than do it all over again. It was funny at the time. Was it dumb? yes, that was part of the humor I guess. But I was not trying to "arouse" his BF as you suggest.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I did not believe the BF's wife was interested in me. She isn't bi-sexual. I had a drink, I relaxed, his wife came over to me and I went along with it. We would cuddle and just laugh, than do it all over again. It was funny at the time. Was it dumb? yes, that was part of the humor I guess. But I was not trying to "arouse" his BF as you suggest.


i was not suggesting you were trying to arouse the bf at all.
i was questioning why you would do that knowing the situation.
we all make some not so great decisions at times.

i also wonder why you are so concerned for their friendship?
if i was in your place, i wouldnt give 2 sh!tz about the so called bf.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I can not understand how someone could be violated and not say anything to their spouse right at that moment.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

This is me said:


> I can not understand how someone could be violated and not say anything to their spouse right at that moment.


i can understand maybe if it was out of the blue and they got embarrassed and waited a little til it registered, but in her situation, i would have told hubby as soon as he returned 'I FVCKIN TOLD YOU!'


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I was getting vibes from my husband's best friend that he liked me. So I posted here for advice and told my husband. I also asked him to talk to his best friend about it without accusing him of anything. He didnt feel it was necessary because he didn't think his BF liked me but he agreed to do it. We see the BF and his wife once a week almost every week (so 3-4 times a month).
> 
> Since I've last posted about this my H and I have gotten into arguments over this. When we were to go see them, I would encourage him to go alone. Why do I even need to be over there when his BF makes me feel the way I do? My plan was to see a lot less of his BF. My H argued that when I go along it's more fun. And he'd say I dont have to worry about you calling me because I stay so late, etc. I felt like I was being forced into a situation I didn't want to be in. He would argue his friend doens't like me under those terms and I am worrying over nothing.
> 
> ...


I think what you should have done when your husband came back into the room you shoudl have said take me home right now as you buddy just groped me twice. If he refused you should have just left on your own.

Now I am not trying to be insensitive here because it is easy for me to say. The person he hacks me off right now is your husband. 

But what is done is done. Tell him you will no longer be groped by this guy. You will no longer be put in that situation. You are done with that couple. You expect him to be done with them. Your hubby needs to cut them loose.

Now what we expect to happen is for the guy to tell him it was an accident. Yout hubby should then punch his lights out by accident.

You need to tell him he needs to man up. A man does not allow another man to fondle his wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TRy said:


> If you were going to talk to your husband's friend, you should have done it on the spot when it happened. Since you did not and wanted to talk to your husband first, you need to talk to your husband first. Also do not let it wait until tonight. the longer that you wait to tell your husband, the less significant it will appear to him.
> 
> Talk to your husband and do it now. The other man grabbed you intimately 2 times. It was not an accident. He and his wife talked about a threesome with you and they all but asked you if you would agree. You know that the husband's so called friend wants to have sex with you now for sure. You know that if you wanted to have sex with him, that you could. Clearly he does not value your husband's friendship as much as he would value having sex with you. This was a big time crossing the line and your husband needs to man up and realize that he is being played the fool by this other man who is not really his friend. If I were your husband, you would not need to tell me any more for me to take strong action.


The time for talking is over. You don;t grope your best freinds wife and not expect to lose your friend and get your @$$ kicked. 

I disagree with those that say you should talk to this guy at all. Your husband is disrespecting you by maintaining this guy as your friend.

So you got the I Love You's and you told your husband. There was mention of a threesome? I am unclear if the husband knew this or not.

Your husband has very bad taste in frineds at the least. If he was in on this then you made a poor choice in a husband. But he can disprove this by kicking these toxic friends to the curb.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I meant to post this sooner but have been busy.
> 
> The other day I went to speak to his BF. I asked him if they were interested in a 3 some and if that was why he touched my boob? He said that I was very beautiful and yes they wanted to if everyone could agree to it. But he didn't know if my husband would.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the update. 

I don't think you should encourage your husband to maintain a friendship with this man. Your husband is willing to cut things off but you're not? Why not? I get the impression that you like to maintain the peace. That's not a bad quality. Just don't do it at the expense of your own boundaries. 

If one of my husband's friends expressed interest in a threesome with us, I can tell you there's no way we'd hang out with them after that. They would be dead to us after that.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

it would seem to me that insisting on maintaining a friendship, i would get the feeling you are secretly enjoying the attention?
at least i would feel that way if it was my wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While your behavior was not to enable them, they wanted to believe they could seduce you into it, so by not objecting to their first pass at a threesome, by not objecting to the I Love You's, you embolded them to physically grope you. Then you said nothing. They took that to mean you were conflicted and considering it. Not the message you wanted to send.

Realize a predator wants to create secrets between the wife and the husband. You had those secrets. You even went to him to ask about the threesome after he grabbed you. That was taking a big risk frankly. He could have grabbed you then and there and made it worse yet.

Do not be surprised if he blames this on you. he will claim you were the one asking for the threesome. 

What I do not get is you not wanting your husband to cut this guy out. As long as they are friends this guy will beleive that sooner or later he will have you. He has already talked about having sex with you twice and gabbed you twice. In fact by not insisting they be gone, you are putting just the smallest bit of doubt in the back of your husbands mind. Someday that could grow. Sooner or later your husband is going to wonder if you had seen him again. Sometime down the road.

He is not much of a friend to you husband. He violated that. 

This guy has created a problem for your marriage. He needs to be gone. He is not done as long as your husband and he are friends.

So I am not critiszing you other than to say you are being way too nice. A man tyat would take these liberties may take some serious liberty later. I would be worried what was in my drink.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Love Song said:


> The other day I went to speak to his BF. I asked him if they were interested in a 3 some and if that was why he touched my boob? He said that I was very beautiful and yes they wanted to if everyone could agree to it. But he didn't know if my husband would.


 He all but told you that if you wanted a threesome with them, your husband would not have to know. What a scumbag. He is not your husband’s friend and he is not someone that your husband should trust.



Love Song said:


> He said he would never trust him again. He never wants him around me again. He said if I had said something when it happened I already know how it would have ended (meaning he would have beat the **** out of him). And as far as he is concerned he doesn't exist.
> 
> I told him I agree the BF took things to far but dont make any decisions about things until you've calmed down. They were each a big part of each other's lives. We would all meet up once a week and they talked in between than on the phone.


 Your husband is on the money right in dumping them. Do not put doubt in his mind on this. It will be hard enough for your husband to do already; he needs your full support on this.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

TRy said:


> Your husband is on the money right in dumping them. Do not put doubt in his mind on this. It will be hard enough for your husband to do already; he needs your full support on this.


wouldnt be hard for me, no matter how good of budz i 'thought' we were


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Now why in the heck would you go to this guy asking him if he wants a threesome with you? And you're cuddling on his wife. The mind boggles. Good for ur hubby for taking initiative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Now why in the heck would you go to this guy asking him if he wants a threesome with you? And you're cuddling on his wife. The mind boggles. Good for ur hubby for taking initiative.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sent a very mixed message. I think it was dangerous. I would have been upset with my wife for doing that. I would have wanted her to raise hell when the groping happened. Not wait. That sent a bad message. 

Not bashing anyone just pointing out the nuances of the situation.

I absolutely agree wiuth thos folks that she should have had her own boundaries and nipped this in the bud. I guess when the husband was told that she did not feel good about going over there he did not know they were looking for a threesome..

His BF was not looking to share his wife with the husband. he was looking for an illicit affair behind his budd's back. Yeah I know what he said. he basically was saying that the husband never needed to know. What a sleaze bag!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> His BF was not looking to share his wife with the husband. he was looking for an illicit affair behind his budd's back. Yeah I know what he said. he basically was saying that the husband never needed to know. What a sleaze bag!!!


Yep, that's my take. Good for the OP in sticking to her morals and being faithful to her husband. 

By the way OP, quit cuddling with other women.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Just to clear the air, I don't want this guy in my life. And I don't want him in my husband's life because his actions show he doesn't respect him. 

I've told this story here before but maybe it'll help you understand my position. Several months after my husband and I married he got into a huge argument with his mother and step dad over me. I was so hurt and upset by their words. A month later we conceived our first child. My husband wouldn't speak to them. I think part of the reason was because he saw how much it hurt me but regardless he didn't end up speaking to them for three years. And my mother-in-law didn't get to know our son all of that time. It seemed no matter what I said to my husband or what I said to his sister to tell his mom, I couldn't repair their relationship. 

So through all of this I've felt conflicted on reacting normally and not wanting to come in between them. 

I told myself than I would never get in between any of his relationships again. No matter where the fault lie. And even though I did not instigate the argument between his mother and him. So right now I am trying to not encourage him against or for the BF. Weather he talks to him again or not will be solely his decision. 

By his reaction I do not think he will ever talk to him again. His words make that pretty clear. Regardless of his decision I would never be around the BF again. 

My husband truly believed that there was not a problem. He didn't intentionally try to put me in this situation. He had a lot of trust in his BF. He believed that they held the same values. It was like the BF was so respectful towards my H all of these years all up until this point.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

LoveSong,

Your explanation definitely clears things up as to why you were apprehensive. 

However, every once in a while a womans man has to defend her honor. In the old days it was with a sword. Now it's with less severe action. What he did with his parents and with this guy is defending you. And yes it sucks, but it's what MUST be done sometimes. 

I'm giving him the slow clap right now for truly being a man cutting out the negativity in your lives. Here here!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Love Song said:


> He had a lot of trust in his BF.


he should have put MORE trust in you when you first approached him about your gut feelings about bf.
he should have trusted you more when you told him you did not want to go to the bf house the last time.

now his lack of trust has cost you and him.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> he should have put MORE trust in you when you first approached him about your gut feelings about bf.
> he should have trusted you more when you told him you did not want to go to the bf house the last time.
> 
> now his lack of trust has cost you and him.


While I agree, I think it is a forgiveable, and understandable, offense. It can be difficult to see close friends (some who can be like siblings) for what they are now, versus what they have become. I dated a girl who had a friend who had changed. It took my old gf much longer to see the changes then it did me, as I had none of the previous relationship to cloud what I saw. 

I would not be surprised if the husband is angry not only at his friend, but also at himself for failing the OP.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would not be surprised if the husband is angry not only at his friend, but also at himself for failing the OP.


i agree with this.

but forgivable of who?
husband or bf?

i think it is of the husband IF he chooses to do the right thing now.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i agree with this.
> 
> but forgivable of who?
> husband or bf?
> ...


I should have been more clear that it is forgiveable what the husband did, particularly in view of his most recent reaction. I think his close friendship blinded him to what his friend now is. 

If my best friend did that, we would not longer be friends of any type.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

*QUESTION* 

If you were in this situation and you days later checked your facebook page and found several inbox messages from the ex-best friend do you read it? If it were you would you want your wife to read it and tell you or just delete it and not say anything?

You know since i told my husband about his x-BF he's been in bad mood. Not mean just not happy either. And I know If I read it I'll have to tell him and he'll feel even worse. But if I don't read it and I delete it than I can save him the heartache. What do you think? 

Maybe I'm over thinking this but I cant help that. The x-BF has been deleted from my FB page. It would have happened sooner but I just hadn't thought about it and I'm not on it much.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

You have to tell him. You should only open them when he is there with you as well. Facebook is th e route of all modern evil IMO, so much Agro is caused by it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If it were me, I would delete the messages without reading them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> *QUESTION*
> 
> If you were in this situation and you days later checked your facebook page and found several inbox messages from the ex-best friend do you read it? If it were you would you want your wife to read it and tell you or just delete it and not say anything?
> 
> ...


I think the absolute best choice is to sit your husband down and open them together. Then print them out. AFTER you print them out then go back and block him and his wife. Not just delete.

Why? Because if you read them alone the odds are you will want to delete them and I think that would be a HUGE mistake. You want to be totally transparent right now with your husband. There is a chance the other guy will want to cause you guys trouble. You need to play evrything on the up and up. Telling your husband you deleted the messages because you wanted to save him heartache is not going to cut it. He is already having to deal with you waiting to tell him about the boob grabs and about you visiting the other guy to talk about the threesome. That has to be a confusion in his mind. We understand the truth but stuff like this can put doubts on our minds. He needs to be able to trust you.

The last thing you should do is delete them without knowing what is in them. There could be anything in there. The other guy thinks you read them. Also your husband needs to know about this. The more offensive they are the more important for you to save them and show your husband.

I am puzzled why you keep making this harder than it needs to be. For God sakes become a united front with your husband and stay there. You hiding the messages from your husband to save him heartache just boggles my mind. It is the same kind of thing you did when you did not object immediately to the breast grabbing. No secrets. Secrets will destroy your marriage. Deleting them is again having a secret with the other guy. Please stop that. This thinking in my view is ever so counter productive.

Just curious but when were the messages sent? Your hsuband has confronted the friend. Right? The friend is probably saying you were wanting a threesome or some other thing. his wife will defend him against you. So you must be very careful not to do something behind your husbands back. Think of trusting your husband with the truth as being faithful to him. It is. Keeping something from him is disrespectful and unfaithful. You are not giving him credit. He needs to know the truth.

You do not know what is inthose messages. if you delete them the friend could show them to your husband. Then your husband will know you hid them from him. VERY, VERY BAD. Is it possible your husband already read them and is waiting for you to tell him?

Lastly this would be concrete evidence and not just she said he said. This will be helpful to your husband.

Keep this simple. read the message with your husband. Deal with this together.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I am puzzled why you keep making this harder than it needs to be. For God sakes become a united front with your husband and stay there.


AMEN!
And do it NOW.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think the absolute best choice is to sit your husband down and open them together. Then print them out. AFTER you print them out then go back and block him and his wife. Not just delete.
> 
> Why? Because if you read them alone the odds are you will want to delete them and I think that would be a HUGE mistake. You want to be totally transparent right now with your husband. There is a chance the other guy will want to cause you guys trouble.  You need to play evrything on the up and up. Telling your husband you deleted the messages because you wanted to save him heartache is not going to cut it. He is already having to deal with you waiting to tell him about the boob grabs and about you visiting the other guy to talk about the threesome. That has to be a confusion in his mind. We understand the truth but stuff like this can put doubts on our minds. He needs to be able to trust you.
> 
> ...



Entropy I think your right. If I don't tell him it could look really bad on my part. THis is something we should handle together. I guess I should ask myself what would I normally do? I'm really not normally this, I don't know, passive about things. But well, you know, it's what I explained before. I blame myself for what happened and I couldn't fix it. Those 3 years aren't something I can give back to my family. 

I'd rather not read what is in the messages. But I think your right so I'll tell him and we'll do it together.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> Entropy I think your right. If I don't tell him it could look really bad on my part. THis is something we should handle together. I guess I should ask myself what would I normally do? I'm really not normally this, I don't know, passive about things. But well, you know, it's what I explained before. I blame myself for what happened and I couldn't fix it. Those 3 years aren't something I can give back to my family.
> 
> I'd rather not read what is in the messages. But I think your right so I'll tell him and we'll do it together.


I do undestand not wanting to read them. But I think you both need to know. It may just be him saying you misunderstood him yadda yadda.

IF it is over the top stupid stuff you both need to know that. If it makes your husband mad so be it. But the key is to bond together a coupe to deal with it. 

All we can do is live for today and look forward.
We all wish there were things we could have done better. That's life. Make the most of things from now on. You want to come out of this bonded wth your husband and in the long run this may bring you closer together.

Good luck.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Love Song said:


> *QUESTION*
> 
> If you were in this situation and you days later checked your facebook page and found several inbox messages from the ex-best friend do you read it? If it were you would you want your wife to read it and tell you or just delete it and not say anything?
> 
> ...



Of course he will be in a bad mood, hurting, his BF, basically his brother in life.. that he trusted beyond a shadow of doubt, effed him over, he betrayed his BF by hitting on his wife, other than your own spouse screwing you over, this has to be second in line, the pain and hurt has to be very close, doubting yourself, the whys, the what else dont I know about him?, has he done this before?, the feeling of failure, feeling he failed himself, failed his wife...

Your husband has to be hurting terribly, also knowing that you tried to tell him...

Stand united with your husband,hide nothing, ultimately this will strenghten your bond with him.....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go back to the fact that the best friend and his wife were trying to get you to join them in a threesome _without_ your husband speaks volumes of what they think of him.

They may like him, but they have no respect for him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The best thing now is for the two of you together to tackle this. Stand together and support each other. It's a direct attack on your marriage - use it to bring you closer - and use each other to fight it off.

So open the message together and read it together.

Decide on what you will do next, together.

You both need to have complete and total transparency and openness to each other on this topic. Share what you're thinking and what you're doing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Go back to the fact that the best friend and his wife were trying to get you to join them in a threesome _without_ your husband speaks volumes of what they think of him.
> 
> They may like him, but they have no respect for him.


This is an important point! Think about it, his BF essentially asked you to betray your husband and cheat. To end you marriage. 

This isn't a horny swinger couple looking for a third - this is a couple who were supposed to be trusted by you and your husband to be part of your marriage. They took that trust and tried to steal away your marriage by getting you to break your vows behind his back.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

They will gaslight you and spin it that they would never have done a threesome with you without your husbands permission. Do not buy into this. The fact that they only discussed this with you when your husband was not around, groped you when your husband was not around, and admitted that they had already discussed you as an attractive threesome candidate with each other proves their true intentions. They also fished you multiple times without your husbands knowledge and did this knowing who your husband was. They knew that he would never say, "sure you two can have my wife for sex tonight as I wait for her at home". They clearly put the ball in your court to cheat on your husband with them if you wanted to.

Regardless, a best friend should never be thinking about having sex with his buddies wife enough for it to be entering into the conversation with the wife. I agree with others posting in saying that this shows no respect for your husband.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

They could have at the very least asked both of you for a straight across foursome, but I suspect the other woman is not attracted to OP's husband. 

The BF's wife had as much to do with setting this up as he did. He probably would have been game for a wife switch scenario, but she put the kabosh on that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Waiting now for the other shoe to drop. Not sure what to expect from his messages.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

In the first message he just said he had been trying to get a hold of my husband and could he call him. 

I actually expected it to be worse. This one was fine. 

The second message talked about (to sum it all up) him not being happy in his marriage. He said that his wife hasn't always been there for him. And he said a few other things that made me feel like he was comparing my relationship to his. 

The third and last (before I deleted him) talked about more of the 2nd message's stuff but the weird part was that he said if I want to come over and talk about it I'm more than welcome to. 

After we read it, my husband checked his FB account which he is never on. He had one message from the x-BF that was similar to the 1st message I got. Just him trying to get in contact. 

My husband has been wanting to confront him but I have been urging him not to. I don't want things to get physical and he's still pretty upset. At this point the only reason he hasn't confronted is because I brought up a NC letter. But than he talked about me doing it, not him. So I think he still wants to confront him. Also I'm starting to think that It will help my husband to get over this if he is able to at least ask why, which he seems to want to know. 

The NC letter is something I kinda brought up off the top of my head to calm him down. It's something I've read a little about here but can someone explain how it works exactly and what the letter should say? If I go NC does that mean he isn't included in that if I don't put his name in it?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Thank you all of you guys for helping me and being here for me through this, especially you Entropy. I have something going on tonight so I am hoping to be back on TAM tomorrow morning (in case anyone wanted to know).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wow. Glad your husband saw this. This guy was dissing his wife in an effort to form a relationship with you.

This validates first hand for your husband everything.

I would block him as well as deleting him.

I hope your husband does not pound him. Not because he doesn't deserve it but just so you guys can move on. This was a challenge but I bet this helps you and your husband bond further. This went a long way as far as trust is concerned. Always good.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

A NC letter is for someone in an affair. You haven't done anything wrong in this situation. You and your husband need to make it clear to this guy he shouldn't contact either of you again, ever.

Since you brought it to his attention, he should trust you will let him know if he tries to make contact again. At that point I would start a restraining order. Also, let his wife know about the groping and  ASAP.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

COguy said:


> A NC letter is for someone in an affair. You haven't done anything wrong in this situation. You and your husband need to make it clear to this guy he shouldn't contact either of you again, ever.
> 
> Since you brought it to his attention, he should trust you will let him know if he tries to make contact again. At that point I would start a restraining order. Also, let his wife know about the groping and ASAP.


Right. You were assaulted and sexually harassed. You were a victim and not an affair partner.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

yeah..it pretty much sounds to me like your hubbies friends are swingers. Your hubby probably knew that already and wanted to see if you'd fall for it without telling you.

Been there done that.

My ex was into swinging and tried like hell to get me into the scene which was a total no go. Personally, it grossed me out to have my hubby with her..and me with him...yuck. More than anything, my hubby said that he and his friend wanted to see me with her.

Yuck!!

No way..no how!!

Bottom line was, he went and eventually did it on his own...which was the end of our marriage.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

COguy said:


> A NC letter is for someone in an affair. You haven't done anything wrong in this situation. You and your husband need to make it clear to this guy he shouldn't contact either of you again, ever.
> 
> Since you brought it to his attention, he should trust you will let him know if he tries to make contact again. At that point I would start a restraining order. Also, let his wife know about the groping and ASAP.


Ok I didn't realize that that's what it was all it's for. Yeah well he told me even if he doesn't confront him he still needs to let him know to stay away from me so he's going to do that.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> yeah..it pretty much sounds to me like your hubbies friends are swingers. Your hubby probably knew that already and wanted to see if you'd fall for it without telling you.
> 
> Been there done that.
> 
> ...



MeMyselfAndI - My husband doesn't want a three some or to be a swinger or any of that type of stuff. He wants to keep our sex life to ourselves. And he knows if he desired that type of thing he could talk to me about it. And good for you for not tolerating a cheater.


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