# Aftermath of WS's reputation while in R?



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Opening this thread for others to share stories of their own WS and how they are looked upon by your family, their family, their peers, your peers, etc. This is more for people who are in R, or consider themselves reconciled.

I'll start. 

My fWW had an EA (2.5 years ago)- she told 3-4 girlfriends and I told 4 of my friends pretty much immediately. To my face, my friends don't think any worse of her. Maybe deep down there is a little bit there, but I don't see it. Her friendships have not been altered at all. Our families do not know.

All in all, she's pretty unscathed and I'm glad. She is, however, paranoid that my friends think worse of her, especially one of them. But in reality, I can't really tell.

I'd like to hear others share how that ended up for them.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Relationships were affected after Dday #1 disclosure. I had informed few very close friends and our families. Interaction became awkward and tenuous at best. I stood by her coz she really needed emotional support from me. Well, Dday #2 still happened.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

After my exposure, we have very few friends left (I had few friends to begin with and they have all stuck by me and been nonjudgmental, but have been truth sayers and not pulling punches on my behalf). Everyone that I could contact knows and I regret none of my actions, as I found out that she had told lots about her A's beforehand and told lots of "stories" and "untruths" about me, so I see it as setting the record straight about issues they already were aware of. 

Everyone that was cut out by us were because they were toxic and not friends of a marriage (especially ours), or they removed themselves willfully from the situation as they were toxic and didn't want to associate anymore (good riddance I say). I never talk to her mom (she is a toxic , psycho beast of a person), and WW rarely talks to her as well. We live on opposite sides of the country, so not a chance of meeting or weekend trips either, which is a good thing. My parents are ware and are just as supporting now, if not more, than they were before (of course they don't take sides but are there for me first but only to support and not defend).

All in all, most have been driven from our lives, and that is fine with me. I couldn't care less if she misses them or feels embarrassed, as after what she did to me and said about me, she deserves to be paid back in spades (as far as I see it). She has finally started IC and MC with a decent counselor (the prior one was an enabler and she finally saw the light in how he was pumping the sunshine to her to make everything better for her and me the bad guy) and we will see if this helps her get her caring and remorse in line where they should be.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> She has finally started IC and MC with a decent counselor (the prior one was an enabler and she finally saw the light in how he was pumping the sunshine to her to make everything better for her and me the bad guy) and we will see if this helps her get her caring and remorse in line where they should be.


Are these kind of counselors cheaters themselves?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> Are these kind of counselors cheaters themselves?


Not necessarily. The one she had would definitely be classified beta, KISA, and NG, by all the judgementalists around here. He had a good reputation in his field and was highly recommended. He was married with kids, and never made any play for her or did anything inappropriate (as I was at all the meetings), but he didn't help her, which was the reason we were there. He would feed her ego and validate her justifications for the A's, but never look at the big picture of what was going on in her head and what "might" be wrong to cause her actions (which is what I consider pumping sunshine, as she has a toxic family and past which I only have learned about since D-Day as she did a good job of hiding it but I believe are rooted in her decisions to react as she has). The only way I would consider him a cheater was in his way he took our money and cheated us out of a valid service he should have been providing.

The new counselor was appalled that he had conducted his sessions the way he had and really gotten no where with the therapy, after all the sessions she attended.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

It leaves a sour taste in peoples mouths whether they tell you about it or not.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> After my exposure, we have very few friends left (I had few friends to begin with and they have all stuck by me and been nonjudgmental, but have been truth sayers and not pulling punches on my behalf). Everyone that I could contact knows and I regret none of my actions, as I found out that she had told lots about her A's beforehand and told lots of "stories" and "untruths" about me, so I see it as setting the record straight about issues they already were aware of.
> 
> Everyone that was cut out by us were because they were toxic and not friends of a marriage (especially ours), or they removed themselves willfully from the situation as they were toxic and didn't want to associate anymore (good riddance I say). I never talk to her mom (she is a toxic , psycho beast of a person), and WW rarely talks to her as well. We live on opposite sides of the country, so not a chance of meeting or weekend trips either, which is a good thing. My parents are ware and are just as supporting now, if not more, than they were before (of course they don't take sides but are there for me first but only to support and not defend).
> 
> All in all, most have been driven from our lives, and that is fine with me. I couldn't care less if she misses them or feels embarrassed, as after what she did to me and said about me, she deserves to be paid back in spades (as far as I see it). She has finally started IC and MC with a decent counselor (the prior one was an enabler and she finally saw the light in how he was pumping the sunshine to her to make everything better for her and me the bad guy) and we will see if this helps her get her caring and remorse in line where they should be.


That's an interesting result. So everyone either backed away from you guys, or were aiding the affair? Some friends.

I was definitely wondering if people would back away from us - thankfully that didn't happen. My friends were oddly understanding and forgiving of my wife's slip up. The friends she told were all single and have been either forever, or for a long time. One of the friends she told was divorced because of her H's infidelity. I was wondering how she would react. I think because my W didn't physically cheat she wasn't too affected. She did ask my W every so often how we were doing. Now it's been so long none of the people who know even ask anymore.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Basically no one has been ‘mean’ towards her. But most of her relationship have changed where it doesn’t feel like she’s anyone special anymore. It’s probably why she’s making new friends through work. 

Obviously, as a condition of the R, her “party buds” had to go as well as every male ‘social’ friend. By ‘social’ I mean I’m ok with her work friendships and chatting/joking throughout the day, but it can not extend to one-on-one coffee or lunch or getting a drink after work. Any of that stuff must have me involved. So when there’s a party or happy hour, socially we are a couple and she can’t have a individual facade.

Family is family. There is still concern for the both of us, but now that we’ve been in R nearly 5 years, it’s getting back toward normalcy.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

My family ostracized her for some time. Meetings and get togethers with them are now very awkward. All my friends don't want to spend time with her. Her friends seem to treat her no differently than they did.
The harsh response usually comes from those who have experienced affairs in their life personally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Cloaked said:


> My family ostracized her for some time. Meetings and get togethers with them are now very awkward. All my friends don't want to spend time with her. Her friends seem to treat her no differently than they did.
> The harsh response usually comes from those who have experienced affairs in their life personally.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So did your friends have to deal with infidelity in their lives and that's why they don't want to spend time with her, or is it just because they hate she put you through that?

I would hope if you endorsed her going forward your friends would respect that and at least be civil in their dealings with her.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> My fWW had an EA (2.5 years ago)- she told 3-4 girlfriends and I told 4 of my friends pretty much immediately. To my face, my friends don't think any worse of her. Maybe deep down there is a little bit there, but I don't see it. Her friendships have not been altered at all. Our families do not know.
> 
> All in all, she's pretty unscathed and I'm glad. She is, however, paranoid that my friends think worse of her, especially one of them. But in reality, I can't really tell.
> 
> I'd like to hear others share how that ended up for them.


Do you think it being an EA made things different? Would the people you know have treated her differently if she had physically cheated on you?

I ask because I get the sense that many folks don't view an EA as really cheating. Sometimes, I wonder if they don't put some blame on the BS (as in if the BS had talked to the WS more, or been more available or the like).

Family friends had an issue where the husband of one couple cheated with the wife of another. They eventually married, but lost a whole lot of friends and some respect. Not sure this would have happened (at least to this extent) if the affair was emotional and they did not get together until after legal separation.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I could see the pain and turmoil within my parents when I was in false R with my stbxw. They grinned and bared it because they wanted to support me no matter what, but it was written all over their faces. "We hate that ****ing woman".

I lost all respect and in many cases ended the friendship with people who stuck by her. I don't want to associate with people who want to be friends with trash like that. So not only does it affect the reputation of the WS, but also of the people who maintain their ties with said WS after it all comes out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Nothing's changed with respect to the way my family treats him. They know that if I wasn't happy he'd be gone, and they're happy that I'm happy.

His family sticks their heads in the sand about such things - his sister and her husband broke up a couple of years after I kicked hubby out, and we still have no idea what the story is there. So it's business as usual for them. They never talk about anything that matters. Ever.

Neither of us really has a circle of friends. No couples that we did or do hang out with. 

My coworkers know - very small office - and they all think it's great that he's turned himself around the way he has. Except for one ******* I work with - he thinks it's funny to make jokes about what hubby did, even now, four years later.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

We have backed off many things with friends (she says most of them are my friends anyhow(she was never really close with any of the wives anyhow) and most of them know, all have been supportive but it feels strange to be around them, keep in mind many of these people we saw every weekend sometimes both nights depending on what was going on. Now if we have spent more than a half a dozen times with them in the past year I would be surprised.
I have no family to speak of the only one who knows lives out of the area, her parents know but given the amount of infidelity in their marriage(father was a serial cheater(reformed I think) mom a doormat they are in their late 60's think they would knock it off by now) don't know how supportive they have been with her other that to say they wish she had done it, guess it's hard with all they have went through can't say either one was a good role model.
As for me her mother and I spoke once about this(right after she told her) and that was it she didn't have much to say except sorry it happened. While I wasn't looking for or expecting them to be harsh on their daughter I was hoping for a little more guidance or counseling from them for her but I guess they thought better to stay out of someone else's relationship.
Overall while I don't think I have lost too many friendships over this I don't ever see us spending time with those people much ever again so in the end I guess I did.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Racer said:


> Basically no one has been ‘mean’ towards her. But most of her relationship have changed where it doesn’t feel like she’s anyone special anymore. It’s probably why she’s making new friends through work.
> 
> Obviously, as a condition of the R, her “party buds” had to go as well as every male ‘social’ friend. By ‘social’ I mean I’m ok with her work friendships and chatting/joking throughout the day, but it can not extend to one-on-one coffee or lunch or getting a drink after work. Any of that stuff must have me involved. So when there’s a party or happy hour, socially we are a couple and she can’t have a individual facade.
> 
> Family is family. There is still concern for the both of us, but now that we’ve been in R nearly 5 years, it’s getting back toward normalcy.


This is very interesting and strikes me as a measure of how far we have come in this fake R and also how my WS sticks rigidly to her right to continue doing what she sees fit without taking into account any affect on me.

She is going to catch up for lunch with her previous boss next week. She did mention this to me but I am not comfortable for obvious reasons - particularly as he is a married man. Though to be fair this bloke is a pretty straight arrow from my previous knowledge of him. There are no hints or flirting in any correspondence.

However, I notice on my WS's new notebook that she has looked at Craigslist, Plenty of Fish and Omegle. These featured in the drop down list when I simply typed in each letter of the alphabet in the Internet Explorer search box (whatever it is called).

Hardly fills me with confidence. I haven't mentioned it. It is a new notebook issued for her new position started late last year. No excuses about a previous owner etc will be accepted. What the f**k is wrong with this woman!

And yet only both mother's and her close GF's know about her affair. No one else, not my brothers or friends. Not one of her GF's gave her a mouthful for her despicable behavior except one. A more mature lady who told me she told my WS she would call me if she did not break it off. 

Even then the potential for an "outbreak" continued for 6 months before I blew the whole thing to smithereens when DDay arrived. 

Never discount the burning embers of an affair.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Do you think it being an EA made things different? Would the people you know have treated her differently if she had physically cheated on you?
> 
> I ask because I get the sense that many folks don't view an EA as really cheating. Sometimes, I wonder if they don't put some blame on the BS (as in if the BS had talked to the WS more, or been more available or the like).
> 
> Family friends had an issue where the husband of one couple cheated with the wife of another. They eventually married, but lost a whole lot of friends and some respect. Not sure this would have happened (at least to this extent) if the affair was emotional and they did not get together until after legal separation.


Excellent point. I believe I would feel much differently if a friend came to me and his wife had a PA vs EA. While they are both extremely painful for the BS and in some cases an EA can be worse, from the outside, a PA is "gross" or "****ty" where an EA is more of an issue between the spouses that they need to work out. Again, this is strictly from an outside perspective.

One of my wife's close friends lives overseas. They don't talk much now but are still emotionally close. This friend confessed to an EA and it happened to be about 2 months after DDay 1 for us. Later on, this friend admitted it had turned into a very rare, long distance PA (I guess they met at a conference back in the US and go every year - this is the only time they see each other). Anyway, my wife thought MUCH worse of this action than the EA. Of course, maybe because she had an EA of her own.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> So did your friends have to deal with infidelity in their lives and that's why they don't want to spend time with her, or is it just because they hate she put you through that?
> 
> I would hope if you endorsed her going forward your friends would respect that and at least be civil in their dealings with her.


Both; they understand that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> I would hope if you endorsed her going forward your friends would respect that and at least be civil in their dealings with her.


I had a friend whose wife cheated on him. He came to me asking for my advice and didn't like the fact that I saw her as someone that wasn't worth a damn and that he needs to think about divorcing her.

So basically he jumped down my throat, as someone who had his back, and sided with a woman that betrayed him in one of the worst ways. I didn't expect him to divorce her, but I didn't expect him to jump my ass when I was on his side.

So I basically told him "fine, I won't offer my opinion again, do what you think is best for you".

Well come less than a year later, she cheated again, and he came to me again. I told him I don't want to hear it and remember how he jumped me last time. I didn't even give him an "I told you so". I just told him I'm not interested and that he needs to figure it out on his own, but did say I feel bad for him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think a lot of our friends and acquaintances went with my exH after our separation /divorce as many of them were people we know from business school or some other business related profession and as my exH was a management consultant whos career was in upward motion, I think most people wanted to side with the one who was worth networking with.

One of our major problems in our marriage was that he had poor boundaries with people and anyone who felt comfortable dealing with him directly had no problems being dismissive of me. And this seemed to not concern him.

thankfully, I turned down his offer of being friends after the divorce. Wether that offer was sincere or not, I didn't want him coming around any new friends and cherry picking them which one close friend of mine described his behavior when we were married.

I didn't expose him to too many people so anyone who knew probably preferred to pretend that they didn't know or believe that his new relationship only happened after we were officially separated.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think a lot of our friends and acquaintances went with my exH after our separation /divorce as many of them were people we know from business school or some other business related profession and as my exH was a management consultant whos career was in upward motion, I think most people wanted to side with the one who was worth networking with.
> 
> One of our major problems in our marriage was that he had poor boundaries with people and anyone who felt comfortable dealing with him directly had no problems being dismissive of me. And this seemed to not concern him.
> 
> ...


I have to say, that sucks NextTime.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am a FWW...reconciled for thirty years. The only people in our family that knows is my mom and dad, my sister and our daughter. No one in my husbands family knows. I told my best friend when it first happened..we have not discussed it since. He told his boss...because he felt he was not doing a good job at work. That boss retired so no one at work knows.
> We do not discuss it with anyone. It is over...there is no need to discuss it with anyone.


You assume all of these people have told no one. Example you can not know that his boss never told his wife. If so then did it get past the bosses wife?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know, exposing my wife's affair never seriously occurred to me.

Her mom knew and she apologised for what had happened.

Had I had TAM back then, I may have handled things differently.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Thirty years ago, when my husband first cheated, I didn't tell anyone. When he cheated again a few years ago, I didn't tell anyone. I suppose I was deeply embarrassed. I'm not sure. 

However, two years ago when I began telling friends and family that I was getting a divorce (and all were shocked and dismayed that anyone married 45 years would consider divorce) I did eventually tell everyone the reason. I told them because I was tired of the pressure from them to stay married when I so clearly planned on getting a divorce.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Brings up a whole other wrinkle. If you had limited exposure, like we did, and others have on here, you just never know who else knows. I mean, I assume my buddies I told, told their spouses. And they may have told a few of my ex colleagues that I never see anymore. The thought of that doesn't bother me for some reason. 

I'm guessing her friends told whoever was in their group, but it's a pretty self contained group of single people. It's never once come back to me from someone I or my wife didn't tell directly. And now it's been pushing 3 years. You'd think it would have spread like wildfire. But since my wife made sure to qualify that she never slept with the OM, my guess is it became less scandalous and less ripe for gossip.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......I've never ...mentioned my wife's ONS ....to anyone in the family ...or friend circles.

.....I've borne the pain by myself ...and in looking back, it might have been a big help to have some support or a shoulder to cry on. I never thought of 'exposing' her ....because I was ashamed / embarrassed.

....my wife has claimed that if I had exposed her to friends ...they'd stand by her and support her. I'm ....not so sure about that ....


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I've said this before that affairs are deal breakers for me and if anyone who has been cheated on can find it in their heart to forgive and patch thing up then I tip my hat to you.

I watched a guy that I worked with go through a situation where his wife cheated on him. I guess she had been cheating for a couple years and he caught her.

She begged for forgiveness and swore that it would never happen again. Somehow he stayed with her and went to MC and IC for their problems. It took him close to five years to get squared away with her and it took a toll on him.

He was 12 years younger than me and after this, he looked 12 years older than me. His hair was grey and thinning and his face looks like a prune with the wrinkles. All in all he looks like death on a soda cracker and if that isn't enough, one hell of an ulcer in his stomach. he claims he's happy but I don't know if he looked in the mirror lately.

One other thing. His hair fell out in clumps. Never saw anything like that. It grew back in and turned grey Should have gotten divorced


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters get what they deserve. I exposed to EVERYONE. Only my son was protected. And only to a certain extent. Her reputation was ruined. So be it. That was her choice. I am not a fan of giving them a soft place to land. Especially if you reconcile. Unless it is a truly a issue of shielding your kids. Which may not be the best decision anyway.

My ex wife lost many friends. So be it. How can you blame someone for cutting you off because you cheated? You cannot. 

If you will betray your spouse and kids, what would you do to me, when we are just friends?

You are define by your friends, because unlike family you choose them. I have ended friendships with guys who cheated on their wives, with the same principle in mind.

Cheating is my dealbreaker. As a spouse and in many cases as a friend. Call me judgemental. I dont care.

Im not saying you should not befriend someone who has cheated (i don't believe this), but you are certainly not obligated to remain or befriend any that has.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ......I've never ...mentioned my wife's ONS ....to anyone in the family ...or friend circles.
> 
> .....I've borne the pain by myself ...and in looking back, it might have been a big help to have dome support or a shoulder to cry on. I never thought of 'exposing' her ....because I was ashamed / embarrassed.
> 
> ....my wife has claimed that if I had exposed her to friends ...they'd stand by her and support her. I'm ....not so sure about that ....


In your situation, your wife should have insisted on exposure or she should have exposed herself to family and friends. Honestly, you and she, both, needed the support. My husband and I shared it with our family and closest friends. We were very fortunate to be surrounded by loving and supportive people in our lives who were "friends of the marriage." 

Men who have been betrayed often suffer in silence for the exact reasons you mentioned. Logically, it is not the betrayed who should feel humiliated, but the wayward. When/if the WS reaches the remorse stage, they will be humiliated, devastated, and broken by their betrayal. If reconciliation is desired, it will become necessary for both spouses to eventually heal in order to move forward in a healthy and successful manner.

I knew my husband needed support, and in the early days and weeks after D-Day, it couldn't all come from me. Often, he needed to talk to anyone, except me. I encouraged him to tell his family. I, honestly, don't think he would have, had I not. What I didn't realize was how much their support of him, and ultimately me, would come to mean to me, as well. I know it doesn't always work out that way, so it is up to each BS to decide for themselves what they think will be best for them in the long run. I will say, that in our situation, B1 wasn't trying to be punitive towards me, but he was desperately in need of emotional support.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

EI said:


> In your situation, your wife should have insisted on exposure or she should have exposed herself to family and friends. Honestly, you and she, both, needed the support. My husband and I shared it with our family and closest friends. We were very fortunate to be surrounded by loving and supportive people in our lives who were "friends of the marriage."
> 
> Men who have been betrayed often suffer in silence for the exact reasons you mentioned. Logically, it is not the betrayed who should feel humiliated, but the wayward. When/if the WS reaches the remorse stage, they will be humiliated, devastated, and broken by their betrayal. If reconciliation is desired, it will become necessary for both spouses to eventually heal in order to move forward in a healthy and successful manner.
> 
> I knew my husband needed support, and in the early days and weeks after D-Day, it couldn't all come from me. Often, he needed to talk to anyone, except me. I encouraged him to tell his family. I, honestly, don't think he would have, had I not. What I didn't realize was how much their support of him, and ultimately me, would come to mean to me, as well. I know it doesn't always work out that way, so it is up to each BS to decide for themselves what they think will be best for them in the long run. I will say, that in our situation, B1 wasn't trying to be punitive towards me, but he was desperately in need of emotional support.


You actions were selfless and a testimony to your remorse. That mentality is why your husband is somehow a lucky man to have you. Most waywards never come close to making their betrayed spouses lucky.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> In our case, since we planned to stay together, and since it was embarrassing for my husband...we chose to tell very few people. He had my parents to turn to and he did. But the fewer people that knew, the easier it would be to move on. My affair was short lived and I could have kept it a secret.
> 
> For those who divorce...I can understand revealing it to more people. You are not trying to keep a marriage together. But for us...this was the way to handle it and I think it was the right decision for us.


I can understand your assessment but I think that the phrasing should be it was the right decision for your BH. No one wants their reputation sullied and drug through the mud, but if that is what your BS needs to reconcile the M and you want reconciliation then that is what needs to be done. As a WS you are always going to vote for secrecy, so the thought to expose or not expose should only be based on what the BS needs to heal, if the WS really wants to help them heal (and their personal wants and needs shouldn't be of concern as that is what got them to be a WS). These are just IMHO and I am glad that you two have made it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Aftermath of WS's reputation while in R?*



Mrs. John Adams said:


> In our case, since we planned to stay together, and since it was embarrassing for my husband...we chose to tell very few people. He had my parents to turn to and he did. But the fewer people that knew, the easier it would be to move on. My affair was short lived and I could have kept it a secret.
> 
> For those who divorce...I can understand revealing it to more people. You are not trying to keep a marriage together. But for us...this was the way to handle it and I think it was the right decision for us.


......I'm in complete awe at support which is provided by a close circle of friends. They realize that they've been entrusted with sensitive, privileged information ....and make themselves part of the solution by just "being there" ...and keeping their mouths shut. I don't really have a 'circle' of friends. My friends ...if all gathered ...would form a truncated "C" ...if that.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ......I'm in complete awe at support which is provided by a close circle of friends. They realize that they've been entrusted with sensitive, privileged information ....and make themselves part of the solution by just "being there" ...and keeping their mouths shut. I don't really have a 'circle' of friends. My friends ...if all gathered ...would form a truncated "C" ...if that.


Lucky you. I could maybe form an ellipsis if friends stood on each side of me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> You are correct...that is the way HE wanted it...but this is a partnership...I usually refer to most things as we, us...etc. It is hard not to do that after being together 41 years. I didn't vote for anything...secrecy or not...it was his call. I made my call...I chose to be unfaithful.
> 
> Thank you for your correction to my error.


Thanks for the understanding. I wasn't trying to call you out, it just seems that I see lots of phrasing from the WS on this site about how they are doing what is best for the couple and their M when they are in reality still cheating, lying, covering up and doing what is best for them only while trying to sell their BS that this is what is best for the two of them. I feel that if they were truly remorseful the BS should be making the decisions at that point (and generally the BS will be making what is in the best interest of the couple if they want to remain In M). Just my opinion and doesn't really apply in your case due to the longevity of the successful R. Glad you have made it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

I think one of the reasons it is mostly men on this forum is that it is an outlet to talk candidly about infidelity. I do not have any family or friends that I would discuss this with. I only told one person, my boss, I considered him a friend as well as my boss. My work performance suffered greatly after the affair and I felt I was not earning my paycheck. Luckily, I had a good enough reputation from previous work that the halo effect carried me through. Mrs. JA's mother was my main counsel and in reality she was more sympathetic towards me than her daughter. The fact that I had an unfaithful wife was something I was very ashamed of and did not want to tell anyone.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Aftermath of WS's reputation while in R?*



johnAdams said:


> ...... The fact that I had an unfaithful wife was something I was very ashamed of and did not want to tell anyone......


.....fully understand that. It's just another item in the long list of things that men will be unfairly 'judged' on, and seen as being weak by society.

......amazed that 'society' is slow to paste a little gold star on our 'homework' .....when we stay in the marriage and work thing out ...or continue to try and do so.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

illwill said:


> Cheaters get what they deserve. I exposed to EVERYONE. Only my son was protected. And only to a certain extent. Her reputation was ruined. So be it. That was her choice. I am not a fan of giving them a soft place to land. Especially if you reconcile. Unless it is a truly a issue of shielding your kids. Which may not be the best decision anyway.
> 
> My ex wife lost many friends. So be it. How can you blame someone for cutting you off because you cheated? You cannot.
> 
> ...


As someone in R, I could dismiss this out of hand, but I won't. I do want to address it though. I do think that not every cheater is the same. There are cheaters that are just plain selfish, others that did it out of desperation, others that simply had one lapse in judgment in their whole lives. None of it is right, or excusable, but to me, the circumstances dictate whether I can still deal with a cheater, whether my own W or others I've known. Humans aren't perfect. 

Then again, there are certain "bad apples" out there that have very weak character and/or cheat for sport. 

Way before all of the stuff happened with my W, we sort of harbored a cheater. Kept her secret. This was before we understood what gaslighting and blameshifting was. We just believed her BS. Even then, after it went on and on, we dumped the friend. She was just a person of incredibly weak morals, for years and years. Not every person who has cheated is like that.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> In our case, since we planned to stay together, and since it was embarrassing for my husband...we chose to tell very few people. He had my parents to turn to and he did. But the fewer people that knew, the easier it would be to move on. My affair was short lived and I could have kept it a secret.
> 
> For those who divorce...I can understand revealing it to more people. You are not trying to keep a marriage together. But for us...this was the way to handle it and I think it was the right decision for us.


I completely agree with this, but ONLY if the affair is truly squashed, dead, buried and never a threat to resurface again. Exposure does kill affairs, but you have to balance that with the aftermath as you describe. Kind of the point of the thread, actually.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

It never occurred to me to tell anyone in either family about W's A. She may or may not have told her brother. I have a couple of close friends in whom I initially confided, but when I saw that they couldn't change the subject fast enough I didn't pursue. I know my W's best friend knows (she came on the scene only after the fact), and I know that POS Melvin knows (he was part of it). W's therapist knows. Other than that, it's not mentioned outside the walls of our house. So no effect on anyone's reputation.

Thank goodness for TAM.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Gabriel...you are correct. I suppose if a WS is not honest and continues to cheat...divorce is eminent and the affair can be exposed to all.


Even if divorce isn't imminent, it does help to quash an affair. Affairs thrive in the dark, and shining light on them is a disinfectant. It takes the fun out it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Gabriel...you are correct. I suppose if a WS is not honest and continues to cheat...divorce is eminent and the affair can be exposed to all.
> 
> Happily..in our case...there was no further contact. So the decision was the correct one for us.


Right. IMHO exposure helps in two scenarios

1) when you are trying to snap your WS out of the affair to make them realize what they are doing and how hurtful and damaging it is......and you are hoping to salvage the marriage, 
(I think this is when strategic, limited exposure is in order) or

2) when you realize there is zero chance you are staying married to this person, and you want to make sure your friends and family (and anyone who will listen) know the real reason - this is what I call putting your arms around your circle of trust and holding pulling them closer to you before the WS spreads lies...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Right. IMHO exposure helps in two scenarios
> 
> 1) when you are trying to snap your WS out of the affair to make them realize what they are doing and how hurtful and damaging it is......and you are hoping to salvage the marriage,
> (I think this is when strategic, limited exposure is in order) or
> ...


3) When the OM/OW's spouse or SO needs to know that they are throwing their life away on a POS.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Philat said:


> 3) When the OM/OW's spouse or SO needs to know that they are throwing their life away on a POS.


Thanks. Yes, that's another one, but just meant for a 1-person exposure. I sometimes forget that one, since my fWW's OM was single.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> As someone in R, I could dismiss this out of hand, but I won't. I do want to address it though. I do think that not every cheater is the same. There are cheaters that are just plain selfish, others that did it out of desperation, others that simply had one lapse in judgment in their whole lives. None of it is right, or excusable, but to me, the circumstances dictate whether I can still deal with a cheater, whether my own W or others I've known. Humans aren't perfect.
> 
> Then again, there are certain "bad apples" out there that have very weak character and/or cheat for sport.
> 
> Way before all of the stuff happened with my W, we sort of harbored a cheater. Kept her secret. This was before we understood what gaslighting and blameshifting was. We just believed her BS. Even then, after it went on and on, we dumped the friend. She was just a person of incredibly weak morals, for years and years. Not every person who has cheated is like that.


I have noticed many who reconcile compromise
their moral code and adapt this "But my cheater is different" ideology . 

I stand by my view. I, like many people have a zero tolerance policy. You don't. 

But dont preach to me about reasons. The end result is the same. And dont preach to me about mistakes. All mistakes are not created equal.

It takes too many bad decisions to have a affair. Dismissing or minimizing them is a fools game.

Adapt whatever belief you need to in order to be happy. Ive got my belief. And it matches all the people i admire.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

illwill said:


> I have noticed many who reconcile compromise
> their moral code and adapt this "But my cheater is different" ideology .
> 
> I stand by my view. I, like many people have a zero tolerance policy. You don't.
> ...


There are a LOT of people on TAM who have reconciled or have tried it. If my wife actually had sex with her OM, we wouldn't be in R. But she didn't let her body succumb to her feelings.

What works for you doesn't work for all. What works for me doesn't work for all. I don't believe in resolutes and generalizations that apply to all people the same way. Sounds like you do. 

Also sounds like you don't "admire" people who try R. But in some circumstances, I, like many people, believe it takes a much stronger person to R than to cut and run. You don't. I've got my belief, and whether you admire it makes no difference to me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Right. IMHO exposure helps in two scenarios
> 
> 1) when you are trying to snap your WS out of the affair to make them realize what they are doing and how hurtful and damaging it is......and you are hoping to salvage the marriage,
> (I think this is when strategic, limited exposure is in order) or
> ...


I agree. I also think that many people who do know will say that they didn't so they are free to think as they wish. They may also see the BS as the evil person in this situation, so people need to know how evil the WS is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gabriel. I might agree with some of your points, but I don't see the "strength " of someone being a factor. It seems more how someone is wired. I have seen some very admirable and strong individuals D. I have also seen some very weak and unsavory people R. Strong people are on both sides of infidelity.

I believe it is a mistake in any circumstance, to refer to someone as stronger for a decision to R or D.

Illwill strikes me as a strong person, so does B1. They both took different paths, they aren't the same, but they are both strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I know there are advocates for & against telling others of their WS's affair. I certainly am an advocate for telling everyone involved. 
Why?.....
There was an instance where I did second guess this decision. I was married once before, long story short.....she left our nearly 5 year marriage for another guy (who also happened to be engaged before DDay). And I use the term DDday loosely. I didnt have a DDay like most of the others here. I never found texts, photos or any other solid proof of an affair. She never confessed to anything either....accept that this guy was 'just a friend'. 
After I was told the infamous ILYBINILWY speech I became distraught, like any normal person would. I just told my parents & family what happened..that we were separating. Since I didnt really have any solid proof I didnt have much to go with in telling all her friends, family, etc. 
She asked if I told my parents that we were separating. I said that I did. She responded with something along the lines that, even if we did get back together since I told my family, she didnt know how she could ever look my family in the eyes. 
I found out that after DDay she was spending a lot of time with this other guy. We divorced about 2 months after 'DDay'. I found out that maybe a month after our divorce, the she bought property with this other guy. She never confessed that she was having an inappropriate relationship with this OM. They are now married...for 8 years now.

My current WW has had three instances of an inappropriate relationship outside of our marriage as well. 

The first instance was long distance, with a guy she met on the internet prior to meeting me. From what I could tell, he was on the same dating website she used. He lived in NJ & she in FL. He would text her every once every 3-4 months or so even after we married. I didnt know any of this was going on until I used her phone one day. Anyway, I confronted & she said he was just a friend....that she wouldnt do it anymore. I didnt tell anyone in my family about this since I thought I had handled it.

The second was a long distance EA with two men she knew before me (college classmate & the same guy mentioned above). Since both were long distance, she was in contact with them via texts & phone calls. She contacted these men only while I was out of the house or on her way home from work. Again I found out, confronted her & she said she would stop. Their conversations were not sexual nor had any ILY.....but she did question our relationship & told these guys how she felt. It hurt me enough anyway this time b/c it involved the same guy from the previous incident..... so I told my parents about it all. 

The third time was again a long distance EA. This time with a guy she knew from FB...him in IL & her in FL. This time she was just texting via a chat app on her smartphone. I got suspicious & snooped. I found many texts between them...saying things like 'I love you', vulgar sex talk, etc. This time I was furious & hurt beyond belief. I confronted her. She just blamed me. Since I had solid proof, I exposed to everyone...my family, her family, her brother, some of her friends. She was furious that I told other people. 
Long story short, I still live with my WW. My family has not talked nor seen her since DDay (2 years now). She feels that they have abandoned her.

My family feels that she is not truly remorseful. That she has an entitled personality. 
They fear that she will separate me from them & that she will eventually do this again.

For me, exposure brings light to the situation. My first marriage played a lot of guilt in my life since then....it still does. Exposure helped me handle the guilt of the relationship getting to the point where one spouse felt they could cheat and/or leave the relationship.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Gabriel. I might agree with some of your points, but I don't see the "strength " of someone being a factor. It seems more how someone is wired. I have seen some very admirable and strong individuals D. I have also seen some very weak and unsavory people R. Strong people are on both sides of infidelity.
> 
> I believe it is a mistake in any circumstance, to refer to someone as stronger for a decision to R or D.
> 
> ...


My point is everybody's case is different - so to come in with a one size fits all attitude is frankly wrong IMHO. I respect others' view here, including Illwill's. 

I've been around here a long time, seen a lot of stories, lived through this stuff for almost 3 years now. There have been several cases where I've seen weakness in people taking way too much abuse from cheating spouses and R anyway. And I've seen cases where people run away without working on themselves.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Farmer_J said:


> I know there are advocates for & against telling others of their WS's affair. I certainly am an advocate for telling everyone involved.
> Why?.....
> There was an instance where I did second guess this decision. I was married once before, long story short.....she left our nearly 5 year marriage for another guy (who also happened to be engaged before DDay). And I use the term DDday loosely. I didnt have a DDay like most of the others here. I never found texts, photos or any other solid proof of an affair. She never confessed to anything either....accept that this guy was 'just a friend'.
> After I was told the infamous ILYBINILWY speech I became distraught, like any normal person would. I just told my parents & family what happened..that we were separating. Since I didnt really have any solid proof I didnt have much to go with in telling all her friends, family, etc.
> ...


Thanks for sharing this. I think there are things people can take away from your experience. Sorry about your situation. It sounds like your wife has some issues with boundaries and entitlement for sure. Might be good to address those swiftly and firmly or you are bound for a repeat performance....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Long story short, I still live with my WW. My family has not talked nor seen her since DDay (2 years now). She feels that they have abandoned her.


Why ?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I outed myself to my family, Joe's family and his best friend. All the people in our life are still accepting of me. They also know of Joe's RA. Their exact words, "It's your life and you have to do what makes you happy."


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

illwill said:


> I have noticed many who reconcile compromise
> their moral code and adapt this "But my cheater is different" ideology .
> 
> I stand by my view. I, like many people have a zero tolerance policy. You don't.
> ...


I think most BS who R take that view - "But my cheater is different". Not really. Cheating is cheating.

My stbxww's family and friends are low life, white trash, so it didn't really bother them too much.

One thing her cheating did was open my eyes to this. She and her people are low class trash. I am not, and neither are my family/friends. I tolerated her/them because we were married. Now that we're divorcing, it's pretty awesome not to have that element in my life anymore.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Why ?


There is a mortgage in both our names.....and I want to be ok guilt wise when I leave her.
I had to deal w a lot of guilt with my first marriage ending. Im seeing a counselor now to deal with that past and how to deal with this future decision.
I'll post my entire story and follow up soon. Mainly for my self and so others can learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> There are a LOT of people on TAM who have reconciled or have tried it. If my wife actually had sex with her OM, we wouldn't be in R. But she didn't let her body succumb to her feelings.
> 
> What works for you doesn't work for all. What works for me doesn't work for all. I don't believe in resolutes and generalizations that apply to all people the same way. Sounds like you do.
> 
> Also sounds like you don't "admire" people who try R. But in some circumstances, I, like many people, believe it takes a much stronger person to R than to cut and run. You don't. I've got my belief, and whether you admire it makes no difference to me.


As i always say, my comments here are mine. I could care less if you agree. And before you attempt to judge me, check the history of my post. Reconciliation is not for ME. But i support it for others, under the right circumstances. 

We judge love by our own standards.

And it takes a incredibly arrogant person to believe the way they did it, is easier than the way they didn't. I changed my whole life when i divorced. Can you grasp that? I would never say reconciliation is harder, because i did not do it.

Unless you were married before and you divorced, you don't actually know what you are talking about.

Clarify what else i need to clarify for you.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> There are a LOT of people on TAM who have reconciled or have tried it. If my wife actually had sex with her OM, we wouldn't be in R. But she didn't let her body succumb to her feelings.
> 
> What works for you doesn't work for all. What works for me doesn't work for all. I don't believe in resolutes and generalizations that apply to all people the same way. Sounds like you do.
> 
> Also sounds like you don't "admire" people who try R. But in some circumstances, I, like many people, believe it takes a much stronger person to R than to cut and run. You don't. I've got my belief, and whether you admire it makes no difference to me.


The whole pissing contest about who's stronger, those who R or those who D, is silly. Really? It's a competition? 

Do what works for you. But don't go thinking you're stronger or better because you decided to stay with your cheating spouse.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Okay, I'll rephrase. Forget strength - probably not the best word choice. 

Sometimes it takes more effort to D, and sometimes it takes more effort to R. Some people take the easier way out, others choose the harder fight. This can apply either direction. 

Probably a more accurate and PC way to make my point.

Better? Can we move on?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

While I am not in 'traditional R", I exposed my h, and it was the worst for me. I lost a lot of friends, as it was as people were afraid, "if they were around "us" then it could happen to them." 

H male friends kept wives away. I found many people sided w h, "it's' only an affair, things happen", mentality. In laws sided w H, single brother dated all D women, and affairs are common place in his world. Shame and humiliation flooded my life and I dropped people from my world never wanting to be around them or ever again because of the exposure. 

All pass acquaintance seem to know and I feel a huge sense of lost as I will never be comfortable w h around any old friends again. 

Feel even future funerals have been compromised.

H, he seems to feel he now has a lot to offer, when the subject comes up and he' w a bs, among friends. 

But on a whole, I think most people who know him, just don't even think about him or his behavior anymore, because they are to busy worrying about themselves.

-sammy


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> While I am not in 'traditional R", I exposed my h, and it was the worst for me. I lost a lot of friends, as it was as people were afraid, "if they were around "us" then it could happen to them."
> 
> H male friends kept wives away. I found many people sided w h, "it's' only an affair, things happen", mentality. In laws sided w H, single brother dated all D women, and affairs are common place in his world. Shame and humiliation flooded my life and I dropped people from my world never wanting to be around them or ever again because of the exposure.
> 
> ...


Geez, Sammy, talk about punishing the victim... Sorry you are in this position. It's not at all fair that you should feel shame for your H's shameful behavior. That circle of family and friends seems a little ... what's the word? ... shallow?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Must be hanging with the same set of "Friends" (and I use that term extremely loosely) as my WW were. Everyone seems to think that I had everything to do with our demise, thanks to the lies she has fed everyone.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Gosh squeaker...that's really sad and so unfair.


It seems so. It wouldn't be as much of an issue if I had lots of friends and made them easily. I am more of an introvert and I actually don't have lots I would call "friend" most are acquaintances so when you find out that your whole life seems a lie and the friendships were no existent then that is what makes it hurt that much more.
Thanks for the caring and kind words.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Well I hope you know you have lots of cyber friends who really do care about you...
> My john is an introvert...very shy. So I understand what you are saying.
> 
> It just seems painfully unfair that the good guy has to take the rap for the bad guy doesn't it? I just assumed that the person who committed the offense would be considered at fault. Strange.....
> ...


Yeah, in a perfect world. Everyone pretty much sided with her, except a couple of my close friends, my parents (that have remained neutral. They recognize me first as their son, but support us both equally, and don't agree with her choices). Pretty much everyone else has backed her and believed her side of things without ever talking to me or getting my side.


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## WhatWhere (Apr 29, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Aftermath of WS's reputation while in R?*



Healer said:


> The whole pissing contest about who's stronger, those who R or those who D, is silly. Really? It's a competition?
> 
> Do what works for you. But don't go thinking you're stronger or better because you decided to stay with your cheating spouse.



......I have to agree. It's no more a competition than it is for the different passengers on a ship that flounders and goes under. You swim for the surface ....breast stroke .....doggie paddle .....whatever ....who the heck cares? All that matters is that each one eventually gets to the surface and gets a gulp of air to start to live again....


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

WW here.
My Husband told me that everyone I'm close to had to know. My children were first and by far the hardest for me, then my parents and sisters, then all friends. 

I have been the sole provider for 7 years now and my work was suffering due to my selfishness and ended up telling my boss in hopes that I would not loose my job.

I no longer have a relationships with any friends, they were actually all supportive and understanding and not at all surprised I cheated.

I knew regardless of our past marriage problems it gave me no excuse to hurt my husband and children the way I choose to.

I do what ever is needed by me to prove my worth to my husband.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

learning to love myself said:


> WW here.
> 
> 
> I no longer have a relationships with any friends, they were actually all supportive and understanding and not at all surprised I cheated.


So your friends supported your H not you? I'd imagine that hearing people say they weren't surprised you cheated has got to be a tough pill to swallow.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

My stbx got caught in Nov 2013 and there was HUGE exposure...
At first her family and friends hated me, mad at me for exposure but NO ONE supported her in her affairs

Now, her friends have gotten over my exposure, have re-friended me on facebook lol

My stbx lost her job over it...she banged her boss

She has lost some of "her friends"...mostly ones whos husbands I am friends with

She has lost almost ALL of "our" friends...she is not even on invite list anymore

Her family is mad at her still, trying to get her to see a shrink instead of a counsiler...they are mad at the time lost with their granddaughter/niece

My stbx lost her handyman/I.T. person/Car mechanic LOL...she now has to bug friends or her brother to do a lot of things I used to do but wont now

My stbx has a new job, and they know what happened at old job...its a small world and some of the pics in the expose have been floating around her new job...she almost had a breakdown over this last week

She dropped the kids off an hour early without telling me and the girl I am dating was still there...we were in bed...she collapsed and sobbed right in front of us...had to rush my daughter out of the room

one of the wives of the men she banged has already punched her in the face once...the om's wife has threatened her with physical violence and has follwed her a few times...confronted her in a toys r us and slapped her face a few times...now there is a protection order so om's wife has stopped

someone spraypainted "*****" on her car door
someone spraypainted "a ***** lives here" on the parking spot at stbx's apartment


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Um, wow. You say she banged "men" and not one man? This might explain the huge backlash with other people. Hard to imagine all of that would happen to her if it was one guy.

I think if all of that happened to a stbx I would actually feel bad. Mostly...

Thanks for sharing - pretty amazing. Her seeing you in bed with a new lady must have been brutal.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> My stbx got caught in Nov 2013 and there was HUGE exposure...
> At first her family and friends hated me, mad at me for exposure but NO ONE supported her in her affairs
> 
> Now, her friends have gotten over my exposure, have re-friended me on facebook lol
> ...


I almost feel bad for her... but I don't.

As bad as she has felt about what happened to her because of here cheating, it pales in comparison to what you had felt when you realized that she cheated on you.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

From a slightly different point of view. My H's friend cheated on his long term GF (who over the years I had become friendly with).

My reaction was to let him know that I thought what he did was wrong and I don't agree with that sort of behaviour at all . . . and then I dropped it. It's none of my business, I'm not his mother, I'm not here to judge him.

I never mentioned this to him but I wasn't exactly surprised that he wasn't happy at home because it was just embarrassing the way she treated him, in front of us! But cheating is still never the answer.

Now they are back together (they had a few one night stands after the break up and she 'accidently' got pregnant). So now everyone just acts like it never happened, what's the point in making people remember their bad decisions? Life moves on . . . they now have a gorgeous 1 year old girl . . .


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> So your friends supported your H not you? I'd imagine that hearing people say they weren't surprised you cheated has got to be a tough pill to swallow.


My friends supported me and not husband, when they told me they were not surprised I cheated, they meant it from a sexless marriage standpoint (he was not interested in sex with me for years).

They didn't condone my cheating by any means, however I was so angry with myself for what I had done and had become, that I became angry with them for standing behind my selfish act.

I didn't need excuses from my friend as to why I did what I did. So I have no friends now!!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> My friends supported me and not husband, when they told me they were not surprised I cheated, they meant it from a sexless marriage standpoint (he was not interested in sex with me for years).
> 
> They didn't condone my cheating by any means, however I was so angry with myself for what I had done and had become, that I became angry with them for standing behind my selfish act.
> 
> I didn't need excuses from my friend as to why I did what I did. So I have no friends now!!


I am sorry that you are in the same friendless situation I am (although I am not the betrayer but the betrayed) but you need to remember that you obviously told to much abut your marriage that shouldn't have been told or they would not have known about the sexual state of your marriage. Somethings belong only within the marriage for discussion. Just my opinion I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

After I exposed my now ex fiancée when I caught her cheating, she lost some of our mutual friends , while some just disapproved of her. Some left her because of what she did time, but some of her female friends left because they simply didn't want a known cheater as a friend and viewed her as a threat to their own marriages. Her reputation as a cheater was enough to convince them to do this, more than anger of what she did to me. I don't think much would change if we were in R

I think she is genuinely remorseful, but that doesn't make things better. I think she is also genuinely afraid: what kind of man could she possibly find who would willingly marry and have a family with a woman who threw away her future to bang a coworker? This is a harsh point of view that doesn't have consideration for the growth and change that some cheaters are capable of, but I know she thinks it. But she has earned her reputation , unfortunately. And ripped out my heart in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> My friends supported me and not husband, when they told me they were not surprised I cheated, they meant it from a sexless marriage standpoint (he was not interested in sex with me for years).
> 
> They didn't condone my cheating by any means



Oh sure they did. If they understood why you did or said they weren't surprised, even if they throw the disclaimer out there, they pretty much did condone it.

If I don't condone cheating I'm not going to tell someone I understand why they did it or that I was not surprised that someone did cheat.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Whip Morgan said:


> After I exposed my now ex fiancée when I caught her cheating, she lost some of our mutual friends , while some just disapproved of her. Some left her because of what she did time, but some of her female friends left because they simply didn't want a known cheater as a friend and viewed her as a threat to their own marriages.


You know, that might not seem logical to some, but it makes complete sense to me. I sure wouldn't date a woman that surrounds herself with cheating friends. Birds of a feather flock together.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> I am sorry that you are in the same friendless situation I am (although I am not the betrayer but the betrayed) but you need to remember that you obviously told to much abut your marriage that shouldn't have been told or they would not have known about the sexual state of your marriage. Somethings belong only within the marriage for discussion. Just my opinion I guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand what your saying, however who is one to talk to when there spouse is no longer listening? 

We have been together for 24 years this June, I did spend a good number of those years suffering in silence, I'm not sure why it becomes so hard to communicate with someone you love, I just know I would try and it snowballed around 5 years ago.

The women who were my friends were my friends since 4th grade
and it was never a bashing my husband thing it was more of a question why? Why doesn't he want me? Do you and your husband have regular sex? I ask him and it never gets better? 

We were never in a position of having extra money for counseling and when I did say we should do it anyway he told me he would not go. I wasn't going to share these things with my parents or siblings as I don't want them to judge.

It all becomes a vicious cycle of unhappiness.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Just got the autocorrect error. "time" should have been "to me."and yeah , that's what she fears, now that she knows I won't take her back. Finding a good man who can accept what she has done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> I understand what your saying, however who is one to talk to when there spouse is no longer listening?
> 
> We have been together for 24 years this June, I did spend a good number of those years suffering in silence, I'm not sure why it becomes so hard to communicate with someone you love, I just know I would try and it snowballed around 5 years ago.
> 
> ...


Just as you were afraid your family would judge, why were you not afraid your friends wouldn't also judge? 

One needs to talk to friends, but somethings just shouldn't be open for discussion.

Whether it was bashing or it wasn't, it is something very personal and private that your friends will never look at him the same way for knowing this behavior. I am not making excuses for him or saying he is right you are wrong type of scenario, but by discussing your sex life with others you have essentially made him possibly the "butt" of all jokes in your circle of friends. Think about had you asked your friends an honest question about the size of their partners manhood and is this normal (not a bashing scenario), it would have still been an embarrassment for him (whether he was really large, small, or average wouldn't matter, it would be embarrassing to have that discussed).

It doesn't matter how many years and how close you were to the friends, you emasculated him. If they told their spouses and you were all in a circle of friends, it is very possible this has gotten back to him and is a source of ridicule amongst his friends ("hey if you don't want to f your wife, I'll do it for you, LOL and that sort of bantering). How would you feel if he told his friends why he didn't have sex with you (such as some abnormality you have, appearance of your genitalia to him, etc)? It would be a real downer, and you would be upset, whether he was bashing or not, and just discussing it matter of fact with them, it would still hurt you.

How do you know that they kept it to themselves, and that they didn't discuss it with others when you weren't present? You don't really know the backlash he may be dealing with from your comments (which would only make the situation worse). You also don't know that his affliction is not something physical. When a man becomes low T, the drive just disappears and he may not even realize it. Sometimes he does, but can't do anything about it, feels physically off, and is thus ashamed to go to the Dr and admit it, as we are primed as men that sex should be in our focus and thoughts lots and if not there something is wrong with us as a man. There is a real stigma and fear that accompanies these thoughts (even though there shouldn't be). Some fear to discuss it, as we are afraid it may be gone for good and enjoyable sex is never attainable again. He maybe just is LD?

It just seems that there are other options to pursue, rather than suffer in silence or discuss with friends. Maybe discuss with your Dr, as they will keep this in confidence, or seek a therapist for yourself (as confidence there as well), or end the marriage if it makes things that bad. 

There are other ways than going outside of the M for your gratification, instead you have emasculated him through discussing it with others and then worse through betrayal. Of course this is only going to make the situation worse, there is no way it could help it, asI see it. DO the honorable thing, and leave the marriage to seek the sex you so want and deserve and this way you haven't ruined someone in the process.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> You also don't know that his affliction is not something physical. When a man becomes low T, the drive just disappears and he may to even realize it. Sometimes he does, but can't do anything about it, feels physically off, and is ashamed to go to the Dr and admit it, as we are primed as men that sex should be in our focus and thoughts lots and if not there something is wrong with us as a man. There is a real stigma and fear that accompanies this fear (even though there shouldn't be). He maybe just is LD.
> 
> I do understand what your saying and now as I look back on things, I should of either left him and paid him alimony or stuck it out and kept it to myself. Cheating wasn't the answer.
> 
> ...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

learning to love myself said:


> I do understand what your saying and now as I look back on things, I should of either left him and paid him alimony or stuck it out and kept it to myself. Cheating wasn't the answer.
> 
> I went to doctors and they put me on meds to help with severe depression and anxiety, again just something to help block the pain.
> 
> ...


Sorry you re i that place. It sounds like he is a sex addict, by his actions and drive as you mention it now. I would say yes there is something wrong with him is he is willing to spend all day at that and give you no attention. This is not normal behavior.


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