# Where do I begin...



## TotallyDrained

Hi everyone,

Not really sure where to begin. I honestly can't believe I am even in such a predicament. I've only been married 4 years, but it is to someone I was with when we were both teenagers! One divorce from my now adult children's dad under my belt and being known as a "strong and confident" woman, coping with mental health issues in my family (who rely solely on me). I met my now husband when I was at my weakest point - I was grieving and lost both parents. Feeling totally alone, helpless and trying to stay strong for my children who were severely impacted by events (MH severely affected) and trying to be the strong, reliable mum; the promise of someone who has "never stopped loving me", "will be here for me" etc etc. every cliché you can think of, I was duped. In time I fell in love again with this man who promised me so much. I felt, for the first time it would be good for me to actually have someone to lean on - friends also were blindsided and also encouraged the relationship. Almost 18 months later we were married and as soon as that actual day, the façade dropped.

I am now married to someone who is a total narcissist. Though he is working, he has resumed drinking heavily (something he told me he hadn't done for almost 7 years). He thinks nothing of drinking half a bottle of brandy a night. He, himself has illnesses which are dangerous if he drinks excessive, but he doesn't care, after all, he no longer lives alone, he now has a "wife" who should look after him! There are many issues in our marriage and if I try to discuss them calmly, he becomes abusive and tells me I just want an argument. He goads me to the point where I become upset and then he says "there you go, that's what you wanted to do, upset yourself and blame me!". 

I'm constantly anxious that family members will realise the full extent of the situation and it will become explosive. My husband lacks empathy with my role as a carer and resents my family. I am torn, as I have some love and care for him - it's odd how at times he can look and come across so sweet, and then the next minute, be the most obnoxious, vile person I have ever encountered. He is constantly accusing me of cheating and hates me even visiting family without him.

The home we live in is in my name and, despite being married, I have not included him on the tenancy - another bone of contention! My reason is that as we are married he will automatically take over the tenancy on my death, but, also, deep down I know that if I did put him on the tenancy, he would never leave!

Really don't know where to go from here. I've seen solicitors; reluctantly he came to counselling, but was obnoxious beyond belief even towards the counsellor - on an occasion when I went on my own, she told me she should not be biased, but she has never come across anyone like him and was concerned for my safety.

Please can I have some advice, I am at my wits end and want it to be as amicable as possible.

Thank you ...


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## notmyjamie

It sounds like you got bait and switched. I think it's time to cut the line. See about getting a divorce before he has even more claim on your house. Don't compound the mistake of marrying him with the even bigger mistake of staying with him. You will NEVER win up against a narcissist. He will NEVER change. It won't always be like it is now...it will be worse. Please, just get a divorce.


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## TotallyDrained

notmyjamie said:


> It sounds like you got bait and switched. I think it's time to cut the line. See about getting a divorce before he has even more claim on your house. Don't compound the mistake of marrying him with the even bigger mistake of staying with him. You will NEVER win up against a narcissist. He will NEVER change. It won't always be like it is now...it will be worse. Please, just get a divorce.


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## TotallyDrained

Thanks for your reply. I know I have to divorce him, but am so worried because I think he will get nasty. He likes to play the victim and be blameless, while I'm the "crazy one" because I get upset and cry or shout.


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## notmyjamie

Of course he'll get nasty. I don't know what the laws are in your country but I'd imagine the longer you're married the more the laws will help him play out that nastiness. Leave now before it gets even worse. If he gets TOO nasty and you're afraid for your safety, call the police.


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## TotallyDrained

notmyjamie said:


> Of course he'll get nasty. I don't know what the laws are in your country but I'd imagine the longer you're married the more the laws will help him play out that nastiness. Leave now before it gets even worse. If he gets TOO nasty and you're afraid for your safety, call the police.


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## LisaDiane

That's right - he WILL get nasty, and play the victim, and call YOU crazy...you are going to have to find a way to exist outside of his emotional control -- just because he calls you names and argues with you, doesn't mean you have to engage him and respond or argue back. Let him say ANYTHING he wants, just DO NOT answer him, or defend yourself, or try to get through to him...it will NEVER work - Narcissists don't engage to connect, they do it only to manipulate.

Your family and friends need to know the truth about him, though...I know you feel ashamed and embarrassed because you feel so foolish for being with someone so hateful, but you have NOTHING to feel bad about - he tricked you, he's a master manipulator, and you never would have married someone like he REALLY is!! But you are going to need a support system through this whole thing, so you need to be open and honest with everyone close to you about what it's been like and why you need to leave him.

Also, check out this woman's site - she has a whole program for healing from Narcissistic abuse that you can buy (I never have), but her blog and articles are free and SO helpful!!! Read through her site, I'm sure you'll find some great ideas and support just from what she's gone through...



https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/4-key-stages-of-healing-after-narcissistic-abuse/



GOOD LUCK!!!!


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## TotallyDrained

If it wasn't MY home, in my name, I honestly would leave. I just want him to leave, peacefully. I'm in the UK. I'm going to try and persuade him to leave...


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## TotallyDrained

LisaDiane said:


> That's right - he WILL get nasty, and play the victim, and call YOU crazy...you are going to have to find a way to exist outside of his emotional control -- just because he calls you names and argues with you, doesn't mean you have to engage him and respond or argue back. Let him say ANYTHING he wants, just DO NOT answer him, or defend yourself, or try to get through to him...it will NEVER work - Narcissists don't engage to connect, they do it only to manipulate.
> 
> Your family and friends need to know the truth about him, though...I know you feel ashamed and embarrassed because you feel so foolish for being with someone so hateful, but you have NOTHING to feel bad about - he tricked you, he's a master manipulator, and you never would have married someone like he REALLY is!! But you are going to need a support system through this whole thing, so you need to be open and honest with everyone close to you about what it's been like and why you need to leave him.
> 
> Also, check out this woman's site - she has a whole program for healing from Narcissistic abuse that you can buy (I never have), but her blog and articles are free and SO helpful!!! Read through her site, I'm sure you'll find some great ideas and support just from what she's gone through...
> 
> 
> 
> https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/4-key-stages-of-healing-after-narcissistic-abuse/
> 
> 
> 
> GOOD LUCK!!!!


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## TotallyDrained

Thank you LisaDiane. I totally agree. I have confided in one friend and she has been very supportive but agrees I need to get him to leave. I will look at the link you sent, thanks. It's definitely coming to a head now.


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## GC1234

I think your assessment of him being a narcissist are correct. Many of the characteristics you described are what I've read up on. It seems like he love bombed you for 18 months before you married. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. With the marriage counseling, make sure to use a counselor who understands narcissism/deals with that, because if not, it will do more harm than good. It is very difficult if not impossible for narcissists to change, b/c frankly they don't want to. I wouldn't confront him about his behaviors anymore, b/c as you say, he'll play victim and gets super angry...you can't win with people like that. Try the Grey Rock Method for now if he has to live with you. If you do an online search, you can find out more about that. Good luck.


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## BluesPower

TotallyDrained said:


> Thanks for your reply. I know I have to divorce him, but am so worried because I think he will get nasty. He likes to play the victim and be blameless, while I'm the "crazy one" because I get upset and cry or shout.


This is horrible but you guys have not been married very long. 

It really does not matter if he gets nasty about the divorce. 

Just do it. It can be easier to take care of the things that you have to take care of by yourself that it is with someone like him in the mix. 

Take sometime and examine your life. Are you enabling your kids? Are you doing to much for them? If it is just depression or something standard sometimes you have to let them become adults. 

Are you always trying to please everyone? You could be, and probably are, codependent lots of people in your situations are... I know I was. 

After you get rid if him, take a breath, and see where YOU are at.


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## ah_sorandy

Once a narcissist, always a narcissist!

You may, or may not be, physically abused, however, the emotional abuse will be relentless. You will be subject to increasing levels of controlling behavior including verbal and emotional abuse.

Get out of this marriage ASAP.

My daughter finally did! She, and my grandkids, are starting to blossom as individuals now that they are free from the narcissistic abuse!


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## Openminded

The longer you wait the more difficult it will be. Frankly, you should have gotten out as soon as this started because it was never going to be better. However, it’s not too late. Now is the time.


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## TotallyDrained

Thank you everyone for your replies. At the moment I am practising the Grey Rock Method recommended by GC - thanks. I have also looked at links that have been sent.
I think he is finding me a bit "odd" as I am not responding the way he expects lol. He keeps asking if I'm ok etc.
It is a good coping mechanism and I can see that he doesn't really like not getting a rise out of me.
We are a bit like ships that pass in the night at the moment, not a whole lot of communication, which suits me as it avoids any upset. Just focusing on me. 
We have a few family events over the next couple of weeks, including his birthday. We usually go away but due to Covid19 are staying home. 
I'm waiting until I return to work fully before doing anything as finances are very tight right now, but continuing to stay calm and not let him get to me.
Praying things remain as calm as they are at the moment. But, I suppose, that's down to me - I have to simply ignore his constant little digs! It's actually quite nice sensing his confusion and knowing he won't explode as he would never want to be blamed for anything.
Let's see what happens next.


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## DownByTheRiver

For a starter get on Google and look up gaslighting because that is how your man is trying to control you. 

secondly you need to go to a family law attorney and start a divorce before this goes any further. he's pressuring you to get on that house and you should never give in to that but the longer you stay with him and if you have kids will affect your security there. If you haven't already you don't want to bring kids into this.

The main thing you've got to understand is he's not going to change. He's not who you hoped he was. he probably pretended to be who you hoped he was long enough to hook you. He's abusive, and life is too short to waste on him. 

Go get a family law attorney and get started. If you have kids, insist on joint custody so that you can have a life and not just be a prisoner and he will have to have half the responsibility. 

Don't put it off because it's not going to get better. He's just trying to keep you beat down so he can get his way on everything and that's not going to stop. Meanwhile I'm quite sure he's doing whatever he wants. You need to get your attorney involve right now to stop any money siphoning or hiding he might be doing.


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## TotallyDrained

DownByTheRiver said:


> For a starter get on Google and look up gaslighting because that is how your man is trying to control you.
> 
> secondly you need to go to a family law attorney and start a divorce before this goes any further. he's pressuring you to get on that house and you should never give in to that but the longer you stay with him and if you have kids will affect your security there. If you haven't already you don't want to bring kids into this.
> 
> The main thing you've got to understand is he's not going to change. He's not who you hoped he was. he probably pretended to be who you hoped he was long enough to hook you. He's abusive, and life is too short to waste on him.
> 
> Go get a family law attorney and get started. If you have kids, insist on joint custody so that you can have a life and not just be a prisoner and he will have to have half the responsibility.
> 
> Don't put it off because it's not going to get better. He's just trying to keep you beat down so he can get his way on everything and that's not going to stop. Meanwhile I'm quite sure he's doing whatever he wants. You need to get your attorney involve right now to stop any money siphoning or hiding he might be doing.


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## GC1234

TotallyDrained said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies. At the moment I am practising the Grey Rock Method recommended by GC - thanks. I have also looked at links that have been sent.
> I think he is finding me a bit "odd" as I am not responding the way he expects lol. He keeps asking if I'm ok etc.
> It is a good coping mechanism and I can see that he doesn't really like not getting a rise out of me.
> We are a bit like ships that pass in the night at the moment, not a whole lot of communication, which suits me as it avoids any upset. Just focusing on me.
> We have a few family events over the next couple of weeks, including his birthday. We usually go away but due to Covid19 are staying home.
> I'm waiting until I return to work fully before doing anything as finances are very tight right now, but continuing to stay calm and not let him get to me.
> Praying things remain as calm as they are at the moment. But, I suppose, that's down to me - I have to simply ignore his constant little digs! It's actually quite nice sensing his confusion and knowing he won't explode as he would never want to be blamed for anything.
> Let's see what happens next.


So glad Grey Rock is working for you!! I have to use it on a sister-in-law and it's worked wonders. Good option if you can't go No Contact. Just remember to get a counselor that specializes in narcissism, and again remember, it's not you-it's them. They can't change, so don't drain yourself trying.


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## TotallyDrained

Hi DownBytheRiver

Fortunately, we have no kids together, or joint assets. His money is very much his, so I do likewise with mine! Yes, I know about gaslighting, and that is 100% what he does. I have stopped taking the bait and am just getting on, much to his dismay... I have already spoken with a divorce lawyer and have a petition ready. I'm just using survival techniques, as in not responding how he expects me to, to get by for now. Once things return to normal here I will make my next step.
Thanks.


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm glad to hear you've started the process. it's all too common for people to stay hanging in there in an abusive relationship hoping something they can do will make them suddenly become a good person or the person they remember when they were dating them, the person they didn't really know. 

How long do you think it will be before you can get him out of your house? What does your attorney say about that?


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## TotallyDrained

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad to hear you've started the process. it's all too common for people to stay hanging in there in an abusive relationship hoping something they can do will make them suddenly become a good person or the person they remember when they were dating them, the person they didn't really know.
> 
> How long do you think it will be before you can get him out of your house? What does your attorney say about that?


I've got to give him written notice - legally 28 days. I'm waiting till everyone is back at work because once I do that I'll need the money to get things moving quickly.Thanks


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## Violet28

I often find that people, myself included, know what they need to do, it's just the actual doing it that we avoid. So we procrastinate and delay and hope that situation will fix itself until eventually we are forced to act, yet by then we have wasted six additional months.


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