# Any women who have overcome years of resentment?



## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

Our marriage is in trouble and I believe we cant move forward due to my wife holding on to resentment built up over the years. Not talking products of betrayal but more from neglect and a handful of hurtful comments. Every time we talk now, she can no longer contain the anger and I don't know how to facilitate relieving it. She is not one to see a counselor. Any experiences and advise would be appreciated!


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Is the cause of the resentment gone? She is not going to be able to move forward unless there has been some progress that has been made. If you are still neglecting her needs or saying hurtful things, you can't expect her to move forward.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with Anonymous07. If the behaviors haven't changed, she is not likely to START letting go of the resentment. 

I tried to let go of some of the resentment I have toward my H. Problem is, he won't stop acting that way...so once I start to let go a little, he starts acting like a jerk again and my resentment doesn't start over....it picks right back up at where I was before. 

So, how long have you been working on being more aware of the things you say and do toward her?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> Is the cause of the resentment gone? She is not going to be able to move forward unless there has been some progress that has been made. If you are still neglecting her needs or saying hurtful things, you can't expect her to move forward.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sadly even if the source of the resentment is gone sometimes it simply never goes away. I remember clearly when I was going through counselling leading up to my divorce the counsellor told me my now ex was very disengaged, that it would take a long time to get things back...if we ever could. There is no guarantee.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sadly even if the source of the resentment is gone sometimes it simply never goes away. I remember clearly when I was going through counselling leading up to my divorce the counsellor told me my now ex was very disengaged, that it would take a long time to get things back...if we ever could. There is no guarantee.


This is true.

My story is very long, but this was me while we were in counseling. My heart was so hard and he was pressing me to forgive and forgive now. We ended up divorcing.

Long story short, over 3 years later, after he remarried (quickly), I dated several people, and he was treating me kindly without me even deserving it, and I finally arrived at a place of forgiveness. I truly let go of all of my resentment and it was very freeing. He admitted that he had rushed me and not given me enough time.

The KEY is changed behavior on your part though. Consistent change. You can't expect her to get over resentment of you keep doing the same things.


----------



## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

thanks for all of the comments. The history of resentment occurred primarily during the first 20 years of marriage when I was a corporate exec which demanded a lot of my time and attention. Though my wife was crying out for attention, I didn't handle it correctly. I thought I as doing what every normal responsible husband and father does. Should I just take a simple less paying job and give up my identity to meet her needs? I was not equipped in those early years to process those emotions so I kept saying it will get better...will get better. At year 20 I had an awakening and opted to change career paths and bought a small business so I could be around more and devote more attention to the relationship. This was 2007. I asked to renew our vowels and she declined. What a shock to me! I finally found a solution that would better meet her needs but she was no over that. Now the tables have been turned or the last 8 years and I'm growing more an more frustrated as I try to recapture some of what we had. I either am pushing too hard or then I punch out for a while to distract myself from the pain. Now that we are both hitting 50 there is lot of pressure to make what is left count. In her eyes that may be on her own.


----------



## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

so the bulk of resentment is old stuff but there is some new stuff too as she feels owed some freedom and we debate as to what degree of freedom is possible within a committed marriage. After all, I carry some resentment as well because my needs often go unfulfilled as well. The cycle is that I do my best for as long as I can and then resentment flares up as reciprocation is absent. Makes me feel on trial...being tested and sometimes just a fool. You have to be able to maintain some dignity and self respect as well.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> The history of resentment occurred primarily during the first 20 years of marriage when I was a corporate exec which demanded a lot of my time and attention.
> 
> At year 20 I had an awakening and opted to change career paths and bought a small business so I could be around more and devote more attention to the relationship.
> 
> Now the tables have been turned or the* last 8 years* and I'm growing more an more frustrated as I try to recapture some of what we had. I either am pushing too hard or then I punch out for a while to distract myself from the pain. Now that we are both hitting 50 there is lot of pressure to make what is left count. In her eyes that may be on her own.


Why did it take you 20 years to figure this out? You said you knew she was crying out for attention, but you didn't do anything about it for 20 years. At that 20 year mark, you decided that it was time - even though she said it was time before then. 

You changed when you wanted to. You did this on your time. 

I understand wanting to provide for your family. Was she pressuring you to make a lot of money or something? Did she ask you to take a lesser paying job?

I see that you said you didn't want to lose yourself. You didn't want to let go of your identity. Again, this was you being very selfish. I don't know details, obviously, but she gave up being with someone who was interested in being around her - in order to be with you. She may have given up things to be with you as well. This is where it starts to get sticky. 

This resentment...It's difficult to deal with because it's been so long. Once you woke up, 20 years later, you decided it was time to have a life with your wife. She was over it by then. 

Are you sure she won't try marriage counseling with you? 

I'm sorry also if my words came off harsh. I am not trying to pound you into the ground for the past - only trying to tell you how she may be feeling.


----------



## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

I was not pressured by her to make a lot of money. At the same time, we as individuals need to be happy within ourselves and strive to reach our full potential. I think you would agree that we all need to strike a balance on this front. My wife had no career ambitions--just wanted to be a stay at home mom which she realized. It was just that her vision was that I would be more available and involved. Its not that I wasn't. I would say pretty typical for most families and especially in a one income family model. 

It took me 20 years to realize because after shooting to the top rather quickly I felt there had to be more to life and was able to knock down some walls and see the bigger picture. 

Counselling is not entirely off the table--just very reluctant and not willing to consider opinions that may not agree with her current view. Her resentment is her badge of honor to justify her actions. Right or wrong that doesn't help to rebuild.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> I was not pressured by her to make a lot of money. At the same time, we as individuals need to be happy within ourselves and strive to reach our full potential. I think you would agree that we all need to strike a balance on this front. My wife had no career ambitions--just wanted to be a stay at home mom which she realized. It was just that her vision was that I would be more available and involved. Its not that I wasn't. I would say pretty typical for most families and especially in a one income family model.
> 
> It took me 20 years to realize because after shooting to the top rather quickly I felt there had to be more to life and was able to knock down some walls and see the bigger picture.
> 
> Counselling is not entirely off the table--just very reluctant and not willing to consider opinions that may not agree with her current view. Her resentment is her badge of honor to justify her actions. Right or wrong that doesn't help to rebuild.


What actions are she trying to justify?


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> I was not pressured by her to make a lot of money. At the same time, we as individuals need to be happy within ourselves and strive to reach our full potential. I think you would agree that we all need to strike a balance on this front. My wife had no career ambitions--just wanted to be a stay at home mom which she realized. It was just that her vision was that I would be more available and involved. Its not that I wasn't. I would say pretty typical for most families and especially in a one income family model.
> 
> It took me 20 years to realize because after shooting to the top rather quickly I felt there had to be more to life and was able to knock down some walls and see the bigger picture.
> 
> Counselling is not entirely off the table--just very reluctant and not willing to consider opinions that may not agree with her current view. Her resentment is her badge of honor to justify her actions. Right or wrong that doesn't help to rebuild.



I would agree that balance would have been a great option at any point during the past 20 years. Unfortunately, you two had different goals in life. 

My and H I have one income - his. He still deploys every year, but when he is home, he is 100% here. He goes to work, he comes home and plays with the kids, helps out if I need it, we take some time to ourselves at night to watch TV/have sex/whatever. He spends time with me. He makes a point to make sure I know he is thinking of me. 

We have out problems, but they don't have anything to do with him spending time with us. 

My H's goals in life were to have a family. That's why he is more oriented to spending time with us. It was his ambition. 

Yours was to climb to the top, which is not a bad thing. It's amazing that you were able to do that and meet your goals. But your wife's goals weren't the same. It sounds like she wanted a simple life with her H by her side. You should try and take the initiative on getting a counselor. This would show that you are concerned at where your marriage is right now. It would also show that you are willing to do whatever you need to in order to make it better. 

Talk with her and see if she is open to going. If so, you should be the one to make the appointment. Show her that you want this to work.


----------



## Terribly Frustrated (Apr 15, 2009)

the action she is "justifying" is not working together to meet each others needs. "fixing this is all you!" In other words she is the victim and I am 100% responsible for the problems. While I am accepting of my mistakes, there is plenty of responsibility to around. I'm not here to whine about her short comings though. I'm here to own mine and figure out what I can do in a positive direction.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Counselling is probably a good idea. Her position today may be largely sub-conscious. Bringing all these feelings out into the open in a constructive way under the guidance of a professional will most likely help work through them quicker than you would on your own. 

Other than that you need to be consistent in your actions...and patient. Any kind of 'relapse' on your part most likely resets her resentment. It won`t be easy and many in your position would not be willing to put in the effort. 

Best of luck


----------



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> I was not pressured by her to make a lot of money. At the same time, we as individuals need to be happy within ourselves and strive to reach our full potential. I think you would agree that we all need to strike a balance on this front. My wife had no career ambitions--just wanted to be a stay at home mom which she realized. It was just that her vision was that I would be more available and involved. Its not that I wasn't. I would say pretty typical for most families and especially in a one income family model.
> 
> *It took me 20 years to realize because after shooting to the top rather quickly I felt there had to be more to life and was able to knock down some walls and see the bigger picture.*
> 
> Counselling is not entirely off the table--just very reluctant and not willing to consider opinions that may not agree with her current view. Her resentment is her badge of honor to justify her actions. Right or wrong that doesn't help to rebuild.


I understand completely and was there. You did not realize things were as bad as apparently were. You probably thought you were a good husband and role model. If you were like me, as you got older you had an epiphany and was finally able to connect the pieces and realize you could have done more…and been a better husband and father. Then as you attempt to make the changes you need to, it’s too late. Boom too late. Frustrating indeed! Tough stuff brother, I feel for you. 

You asked the ladies the question so I will defer to them to provide you answers. I suspect everyone is different so you will get a mix of answers. Best of luck to you.


----------



## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Terribly Frustrated said:


> the action she is "justifying" is not working together to meet each others needs. "fixing this is all you!" In other words she is the victim and I am 100% responsible for the problems. While I am accepting of my mistakes, there is plenty of responsibility to around. I'm not here to whine about her short comings though. I'm here to own mine and figure out what I can do in a positive direction.


I'm not saying is all your fault, that is rarely true. 

But if she feels that she spent those 20 years trying to fix things, and she felt you weren't listening to her at that time, then she probably does believe it's on you now. 

If you really want to fix this, you need to be willing to take the first several steps on your own. She needs to see your intentions, and learn to trust you again. If you were unavailable to her for that long, it will take a while before she trusts you to not let her down.


----------



## shalom_82 (Nov 23, 2014)

Ok... hello. I just read the thread and I feel bad for you and your wife both. 

I can relate to her and I believe that she is really hurting. Her wounds are deep and have gone untreated for more than 20 years, so naturally they've festered. There are many layers of emotions to get through before you actually get to the vulnerable stuff. That takes time. 

She's been masking her hurt, her feelings of rejection and abandonment and powerlessness with all sorts of things: anger, resentment, indifference and such. That has to painful for you to be the target of all that. 

I know from personal experience that it is incredibly difficult for me to maintain compassion for my husband when he is hurting me (emotionally). How do I stop focusing on defending myself and focus more on his needs? I really don't know. 

It's one of my biggest issues in my life right now, and I still don't have any answers. I mean, at what point does a person say to his/her partner: "You've crossed the line, and I won't take any more abuse... or I won't live this way... or whatever the ultimatum may me...? 

Let's get back to you. If you could weather the storm, I'm an optimistic person and see lots of wonderful things possible in your marriage and final years together. 

I think she needs your compassion and example, your leadership and faith. She needs an inner strength from you like no other. 

She's going to be mad. She's going to hurt you (back) however she can. Yes, it's passive aggressive. Yes, it's awful. No, you don't "deserve" this. And no, it doesn't help to tell her that or to fight back. (I really wish it did! Let me tell you!)

Is it unfair to you? I really couldn't say yes or no. It's just the way it is. Are you willing to stick it out while she frustrates you to no end? That's for you to decide. 

She's got a whole process to go through. The level of patience and fortitude required of you is not easy by any miens. Whether you stay together or split, your choices are hard to face. I wish there was an easier for you (and everyone). 

I think that people here are suggesting counseling because what you two are going through is so incredibly difficult. Why not get a little relief from the burden you have? Why not get relief from someone with the training and experience to set his/her ego aside and focus on you two and your relationship? It's hard to find that from friends, family, or even from group counseling forums (even on this site) because people bring their issues to the table and can't always focus on yours.

And don't let me downplay the benefits of informal, group counseling. It's great stuff! Look for support, be open to it and you will find it in all sorts of places. One example that comes to mind is a reality TV show that I love right now, even with all of its ridiculousness, which is Celebrity Couples Rehab. Lol.


----------



## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Wow, 

My ex said to me today: because I never thought about it.

That added a big fat X on my resentment chart.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd suspect part of her resentment is that everything is on your time table. When you wanted work to take precedence it did, and now that you feel like spending time with her she should be there ready and waiting. But we know that things don't work like that 

I think having some compassion for this and trying to understand it would be helpful. She feels like she only comes first when convenient for you. I think addressing that would help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

