# Reconciling but still don't trust



## Trumbull1969

Hi all,
I've posted here before in Coping with Infidelity, after I found out my husband of 10 years has been cheating with multiple women. After I confronted him in July, we talked extensively and he said he does not want to end our marriage. He said he wants to make me happy and to put the past behind us. It has been three months since I found out and he appears to be trying. I took the advice on this site and found googlehistory -- and I found his extensive emails with women which stopped when he closed the account after I found out. I did not tell him I found this. He claims that he has no other accounts and has shared his phone bill with me. Here's where I am right now --I have a list of divorce lawyers which I plan to meet with. I plan to find a way to "spy" on him over the next few months to see if he really truly has stopped all the cheating. After I meet with the lawyer, I plan to tell WH that he needs to give me full disclosure of all email accounts or I will divorce him. This is so sad, I know, but I have to look out for myself at this point. I think he has found ways to continue to hide information from me. I thought of getting a GPS for his car, and since he has an office in a separate building I do not have access to his computer. I think he may be on CraigsList looking for "FWB NSA." Is there a remote keylogger that I could use somehow from my own home computer? I don't think a VAR will work for me. I am past being devastated and simply want to know the truth, and I don't think he will tell me. Every time I try to bring up my fears, he tells me I have nothing worry about, that he is dependable. This is so terrible to go through, and it's supposed to be reconciliation.


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## clipclop2

have you told him that you want him to take a polygraph?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trumbull1969

Yes, he actually offered to take a polygraph test. We found a person to do it, but so far I haven't made the appointment yet. I wonder if those are really reliable? Has anyone used one, and what were the results? Thanks for any help to ease my mind.


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## clipclop2

depends on the skill of the tester. I got several confessions out of my husband when he thought the test was already scheduled. but even then he wasn't telling the whole truth. another confession before the test. Then the test. Then I mentioned that I had forgotten to ask one of the questions that I wanted to ask and he told me the truth finally. But the fact that he had been lying up until that point made all of it for no purpose. He just put it all back to square one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trumbull1969

@Clipclop2 clipclop2 -- Thank you for your answer. Are you still in reconciliation even though he confessed before the polygraph? Back in my heart, I truly want things to work out. I want him to tell me he ha loved me all along and we got off track somewhere. But intellectually I know he has lied to my face, been false to me, had sex with multiple other women, betrayed me, and defiled our marriage and I know I should divorce him. As I said our reconciliation is in the third month, but I guess I want to be "forewarned and prepared" with current evidence of meeting women since and during our reconciliation in the event that I must confront him with it and therefore be left with no choice but filing for divorce.


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## clipclop2

We are together. Sometimes happy, sometimes not. Without trust things just fall apart. I don't love him as much as I use to. He never stepped in to pick up the slack when I detached so sex is a drag and I *was* very much a bond through sex person. 

Check out the reconciliation thread. You want it to work. That's a prerequisite. but the biggest threat was it is does your husband have empathy for your pain does she understand what he needs to do to help you heal and if you willing to do the heavy lifting consistently . because no matter how much you want it to work she doesn't do those things it will just further erode your marriage and will make you miserable and potentially bitter in the long run. 

people make different decisions for different reasons . make the best one for you. and if that means that you have to require a poly from him every 6 months then he should be willing to do it.


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## Kevinb

Wow...what a horrible situation to be in. Do you love this man after all that has happened? How can this reconciliation survive with so much distrust on your behalf??


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