# Guarding your heart......



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

It has been now 5 months since I moved out. The divorce is final. Things have been rather smooth for me. Self discovery without dealing with the chaos I faced everyday at home is enlightening. When I first began on the move out thing, my hope was that we could still do things with the kids together. We did a few times, but I realized that I don't want that.

The long process of emotional detachment is just that....long. I had done so many actions showing love over the two years of in house separation that I was very much connected emotionally. On one hand, it shows you therapy works. If both people commit to it, actions turn into emotions. On another hand, it truly sucks when one person sits in therapy and makes admissions to how amazing you are and what you've become they just don't love you anymore and are unwilling to try, of course those admissions are made by the counselor prodding her. 

So, the point? I have been doing really good at showing nothing but business to the ex. I walk in Sunday to bring the kids back. I washed and folded their laundry from the weekend, and she proceeded to thank me and just shower me with praise of how much it helps her and it is so awesome. WTF! I thanked her and walked out after hugging the kids. I don't think she noticed what was going on inside me because I've learned to keep the wall up. In a few words, the wall was gone. 2 years of nothing from her...Now you want to give me words of affirmation? Is this some type of game?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dog bone syndrome.

Have I mentioned females like attention?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dog bone syndrome.
> 
> Have I mentioned females like attention?


Yes, you have. I guess I'm just not getting it. I'm not showing her anything in attention which she got plenty of when I was at home.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yes, you have. I guess I'm just not getting it. I'm not showing her anything in attention which she got plenty of when I was at home.


She's feeling the absence of it.

One thing this place teaches you in bold strokes.... they won't miss you if you don't go away.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> She's feeling the absence of it.
> 
> One thing this place teaches you in bold strokes.... they won't miss you if you don't go away.


Very true. My therapist seems to believe if I stick to business only and no shared activities she will be back within a year. Problem is, I'm not sure she will show the humility and commitment to change I will require to want her back. It just amazes me how quickly you can become vulnerable.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Very true. My therapist seems to believe if I stick to business only and no shared activities she will be back within a year. Problem is, I'm not sure she will show the humility and commitment to change I will require to want her back. It just amazes me how quickly you can become vulnerable.


Stay the course.

She may surprise you.

She may not.

You'll be ok either way.

Quite a difference in perspective for you.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Stay the course.
> 
> She may surprise you.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I know. Its been a long ride. Coming out of the situation has been very healthy for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yeah, I know. Its been a long ride. Coming out of the situation has been very healthy for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can tell.

I'm glad we finally agree on the futility of trying to "get someone to love you".

It's been a long road.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I can tell.
> 
> I'm glad we finally agree on the futility of trying to "get someone to love you".
> 
> It's been a long road.


I really believe the "light bulb" moment for me was when I saw how hard life was with her. She doesn't communicate, properly handle problems. It was like dealing with a teenager. Sitting in front of our therapist by myself a year later really opened my eyes. She gave me a lot to think about. You have to have two functional adults to have a relationship. Maybe she changes, maybe she doesn't. I won't allow her to hurt me or stunt my growth as a man anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I really believe the "light bulb" moment for me was when I saw how hard life was with her. She doesn't communicate, properly handle problems. It was like dealing with a teenager. Sitting in front of our therapist by myself a year later really opened my eyes. She gave me a lot to think about. You have to have two functional adults to have a relationship. Maybe she changes, maybe she doesn't. I won't allow her to hurt me or stunt my growth as a man anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good man.

I still want you to change your moniker.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

D2H, this post resonated with me. I too have had no problems going cold on my ex and shutting her out of my personal life (as much as I can in a small city my size anyway), as far as the co-parenting business I have been pretty much rock solid for my son... lately we had a change in plan and it felt like she kinda got a leg up on me, but I'm not really feeling a lot of resentment about it, but I've noticed she has been giving me much more unsolicited praise - it probably means she wants something and I don't think I'm going to like what it is, nor do I care. However I suspect she is really starting to feel the pinch of financial and lifestyle decisions she made in moving out...

whatev, I got my own things to deal with. take care man, sounds like you are going the right direction.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> D2H, this post resonated with me. I too have had no problems going cold on my ex and shutting her out of my personal life (as much as I can in a small city my size anyway), as far as the co-parenting business I have been pretty much rock solid for my son... lately we had a change in plan and it felt like she kinda got a leg up on me, but I'm not really feeling a lot of resentment about it, but I've noticed she has been giving me much more unsolicited praise - it probably means she wants something and I don't think I'm going to like what it is, nor do I care. However I suspect she is really starting to feel the pinch of financial and lifestyle decisions she made in moving out...
> 
> whatev, I got my own things to deal with. take care man, sounds like you are going the right direction.


Yeah, I have definitely been on the short end of the stick when it comes to the kids. However, they see the difference in us two. Karma is a wretched thing. I don't wish ill on her, in fact, I hope she finds herself and stops defining herself by the kids. They need a good example of a strong, healthy woman in their lives who is secure in who she is as a woman not just as a mom. She has got to be one of the most selfish individuals I've ever seen, and I didn't come to that realization until I could look at things from the outside. It is disgusting to me, and there is no way she would come close to living up to my standards to date, which is a shame.

Even two weeks ago, I talked to her about our son doing a therapy session. She said, "I believe in it and feel very strongly about it." My response, "Good. I assume that means you are going yourself." Blank stare. Nothing's changed. Still talks, doesn't do. Pointless. When your actions don't match up with your words, what does that make you? A very weak individual, and that is not very attractive.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

DC,

Thanks for the response. Most certainly, I have been through the not looking for validation from her. However, it goes much deeper than that. My first 6 months of therapy was based upon receiving validation from God instead of others. I have been very fortunate to have amazing ppl around me.

Now, the reason I did the clothes is not because I love just her. It is because of who I am. The love of Christ is a powerful thing. My hope for her is not that we be reconciled. My hope is that she is stripped of her flesh, therefore, she can start to have peace and joy in communion with God. This is not about me or her or even us as a couple. This is about God's plan for our lives. I am ok with that because it has brought me to a place in which I finally understand what it is to trust God. You cannot love without trust.

There are just bumps in the road where I have to deal with the emotional side of myself because I am human. I am very sensitive to her because of the history and the fact she is the mother of my children. I recognize that, and I am taking steps to allow myself to be strengthened.


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> DC,
> 
> Thanks for the response. Most certainly, I have been through the not looking for validation from her. However, it goes much deeper than that. My first 6 months of therapy was based upon receiving validation from God instead of others. I have been very fortunate to have amazing ppl around me.
> 
> ...


Wow, this is really inspirational. I hope I can find the strength in myself to follow in your footsteps.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Rat,

D2H and I have a certain level of history.

I guarantee you are in a similar situation to the one where I first encountered him.

You are very capable of the same transformation he's made.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I hope I can find the strength in myself to follow in your footsteps.


You will. It is a process. Blaming her or being angry at her (which I am most certainly guilty of) feeds into your own selfish desires. Your desire is to see your family reconciled, however, that might not be what needs to happen for your wife to become who God called her to be. In addition, everyday through this is a lesson. He is teaching you. You just have to come to a place where you quiet yourself to hear from him. That can't happen when you are emotionally in turmoil. When you can start to see her from HIS point of view, then you know what love is. You start to truly understand joy, compassion, and honor. Your actions are then derived out of pure love rather than your selfishness of what you want. It makes you seperate from your pride and your ego, and that is a very good thing. 

Regardless of the path that ends up happening, you will become more able to handle a woman or her emotions because your ultimate trust lies from above. It is a very uplifting thought. No longer will your happiness be tied to someone else's actions, thoughts, or moral compass.


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

Where I struggle the most with this is at times like this morning. She asked for some items from the basement, my lawyer told me not to give her anything from the house. The things she asked for, I do not want. I feel God would want me to rise above the situation and not argue over petty items. However my lawyer advised me otherwise and many members of this board have also told me not to keep giving. I am confused, if I give her her things against my legal advice am I caving in? I do feel it is the right thing to do and I should not hold things hostage.
I really feel like I am in a no win situation and anything I do will be wrong. However how can I expect her to be civil if I am going to withhold even the most trivial items? Shouldn't I set an example and lead by my actions and let her have her things? I know this could bite me from a legal standpoint, but from a moral standpoint isn't it the right thing to do?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Just like you've set the example on wanting the marriage back?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi Muskrat, just took a look at this thread again and see you struggling with an dilemna I was faced with too - the things she wants that I don't after she left it all behind. Not sure where you are at in the legal process, but if there is a separation agreement of sorts in place, go by that - so if you have settled the equity, and what's left is technically your property, then offer to sell them back to her. Or if you haven't settled the final payment yet make a note of everything and deduct it from any amounts you may owe her in the end.

I did that with a couple items my ex wanted to take every time she remembered about something she left behind. I'm the one that had to deal with all the other physical crap she left, so it's mine now. I don't know if this is at all relevant to what you are discussing, just thought I'd reply. She soon stopped asking when she realized my home was no longer her storage grounds.


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Just like you've set the example on wanting the marriage back?


This confuses me. Yes I tried to set an example, but she just doesn't want me anymore. I must accept that.
However in regards to our stuff she has been civil and fair to this point. I don't want to push this into a full scale war, I also don't want to be taken advantage of.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I really feel like I am in a no win situation and anything I do will be wrong. However how can I expect her to be civil if I am going to withhold even the most trivial items? Shouldn't I set an example and lead by my actions and let her have her things? I know this could bite me from a legal standpoint, but from a moral standpoint isn't it the right thing to do?


Why are you in a no win situation? She moved out. You hold all the cards. She wants her stuff? No problem. Make sure it is catalogued in the marital separation agreement as her stuff. Don't be a jerk, but this is now a business transaction. Treat it so.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I don't want to push this into a full scale war, I also don't want to be taken advantage of.


Yeah, well, everyone loses. There will be things you don't get and things that aren't fair. You will feel taken advantage of as will she. Just do things fairly, and be able to walk away with no regret. Regret is a very powerful thing because it leads to guilt. There is no way to be a righteous man with guilt present.


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## muskrat (Jun 23, 2012)

That is the problem, we have no written agreement. I did tell her she may have her things once we reach a settlement.
I have much more to lose financially than she does, this is what scares me. I also don't want the "war" for our kids sake.
The big problem is she is uncommuniative, that is a large part of what got us here and a large problem now. How can we reach an agreement if she won't talk?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

muskrat said:


> That is the problem, we have no written agreement. I did tell her she may have her things once we reach a settlement.
> I have much more to lose financially than she does, this is what scares me. I also don't want the "war" for our kids sake.
> The big problem is she is uncommuniative, that is a large part of what got us here and a large problem now. How can we reach an agreement if she won't talk?


Mine wouldn't either. I just put it together and gave it to her for her review. She agreed and signed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

muskrat said:


> That is the problem, we have no written agreement. I did tell her she may have her things once we reach a settlement.
> I have much more to lose financially than she does, this is what scares me. I also don't want the "war" for our kids sake.
> The big problem is she is uncommuniative, that is a large part of what got us here and a large problem now. How can we reach an agreement if she won't talk?


We mentioned this.

Write it down and put it in an envelope with no label.

Hand it to her dispassionately next time you see her.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Back to the whole guarding your heart thing.....My therapist was very adamant that I have a support system in place that keeps me accountable to guarding my heart. Not to my ex, but to other women. She said there are very manipulative women who will put on a show in order to get what they want. In my current state especially considering my progress, she seems to think I'm quite the catch. 

Nice compliment from the good dr.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

So, I ran into a friend of the ex's the other day. She actually is no longer a really good friend. They used to be in bible study together until my ex disagreed with the ladies on that she needed to take ownership of her part in our breakdown. The ex left the study and labeled the group as judgemental which I find ironic and hilarious. 

She had something to say to me that was quite intriguing. She looked at me and said, "When a man steps up and takes responsibility for a breakdown, humbles himself before his family, admits his faults, and sets himself out to be the best man he can be, that is a rare man and a very good one. When a woman will not accept that man and forgive, she has set herself up to not receive the very blessing God is giving her in her life. She wastes it allowing another woman to enjoy that blessing down the road if she doesn't wake up. I just want you to know you have shown yourself to be a very rare man."

In divorce, a man's self confidence takes a major hit especially if he is the rejected one. Words like these can help for a moment to see yourself differently. Encouraging.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, I ran into a friend of the ex's the other day. She actually is no longer a really good friend. They used to be in bible study together until my ex disagreed with the ladies on that she needed to take ownership of her part in our breakdown. The ex left the study and labeled the group as judgemental which I find ironic and hilarious.
> 
> She had something to say to me that was quite intriguing. She looked at me and said, "When a man steps up and takes responsibility for a breakdown, humbles himself before his family, admits his faults, and sets himself out to be the best man he can be, that is a rare man and a very good one. When a woman will not accept that man and forgive, she has set herself up to not receive the very blessing God is giving her in her life. She wastes it allowing another woman to enjoy that blessing down the road if she doesn't wake up. I just want you to know you have shown yourself to be a very rare man."
> 
> In divorce, a man's self confidence takes a major hit especially if he is the rejected one. Words like these can help for a moment to see yourself differently. Encouraging.


Zombie thread i know but your words D2H make a lot of sense to me right now in my current situation. Mi identity, self confidence and trust as a man has taken a big blow with my impending divorce (since this is not something i originally planned or wanted) i fought the good fight, i made my stance, recongnized my mistakes and shortcomings in the downfall of the M, hublmed myself to my W and family and set myself to become the best man that i can be, still wasn't enought for the resentful and out of love W. I will walk away from this M knowing that i did the best i could with what i had at the time. I wanted and was willing to to anything necesary to save my M and prevent the break of my family, wasn't meant to be. God has a plan for all of us and like many have said here you have to see the situation from 50k feet above.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Regretf said:


> Zombie thread i know but your words D2H make a lot of sense to me right now in my current situation. Mi identity, self confidence and trust as a man has taken a big blow with my impending divorce (since this is not something i originally planned or wanted) i fought the good fight, i made my stance, recongnized my mistakes and shortcomings in the downfall of the M, hublmed myself to my W and family and set myself to become the best man that i can be, still wasn't enought for the resentful and out of love W. I will walk away from this M knowing that i did the best i could with what i had at the time. I wanted and was willing to to anything necesary to save my M and prevent the break of my family, wasn't meant to be. God has a plan for all of us and like many have said here you have to see the situation from 50k feet above.


Resentful people have to go through their own humbling. It will happen. It may be 6 months, or it may be 10 years. Who knows. What I can say is that I am much happier with the life I am showing my kids today than the life I would have shown them if the marriage would have survivied. There were some major fundamental differences between us. I'm just happy my kids get their "real" dad and not one always trying to please his wife. She is some kind of "princess" for sure.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Resentful people have to go through their own humbling. It will happen. It may be 6 months, or it may be 10 years. Who knows. What I can say is that I am much happier with the life I am showing my kids today than the life I would have shown them if the marriage would have survivied. There were some major fundamental differences between us. I'm just happy my kids get their "real" dad and not one always trying to please his wife. She is some kind of "princess" for sure.


Same here mate. I married a princess that on the outside acted independent and tough but at the ened wanted all the attention that an only child is used to getting of. I know and own my mistakes in the M but not to make it end in divorce.

The excuses which they are that she gave me at the end were really out of this world:

You never took my car to the carwash.
You never called me when you were at the supermarket to see if i neede something (i did several times asked her before going to the SM if we needed anything)
You never gave me money to go to the hair salón
You never gave me money for gas
You didn't give me money to buy new tires

She willingly forgot how i helped her with her car mechanic bill in the last month, there was money left and i told her to keep it. When i reminded her of this, she said, "oh but that was at the end, when you knew i was done with us". Nothing was enough with her in the last couple of years, only criticisms on me, always looking for chips on my armour.

And the best, when i told her to let me date her again and let me make her fall in love with me again she said "The problem is that i know you, you like to come home and sit a and listen to music, you wouldn't tell me let's go hiking" :scratchhead: , like i couldn't do anything else, like she knew i was going to remain the same for the next 40 years.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> "The problem is that i know you, you like to come home and sit a and listen to music, you wouldn't tell me let's go hiking"


And here is the issue. Why didn't she say, "Let's go hiking"? The point of a relationship is to pick each other up. Sometimes you are going to need to take. Sometimes you are going to need to give. You can't be this leader/giver/planner/savior all the time. You are human. You can fall into coping habits (listening to musec everyday). It's up to your mate to recognize it, bring it to you in a contructive manner, and help you overcome it. Unfortunately, my ex couldn't do that, and it sounds like your's can't either. It's unfortunate as she will blame you in the beginning. Just hope that she doesn't have to go through what my ex has. (marriage that lasted 6 weeks, verbal abuse, 5th child conceived during that 6 weeks and has since been born, continuous domestic violence, dude not paying CS) Of course, my ex doesn't blame me anymore and litterally raves about me as a father and a man which is weird.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Dedicated2Her said:


> And here is the issue. Why didn't she say, "Let's go hiking"? The point of a relationship is to pick each other up. Sometimes you are going to need to take. Sometimes you are going to need to give. You can't be this leader/giver/planner/savior all the time. You are human. You can fall into coping habits (listening to musec everyday). It's up to your mate to recognize it, bring it to you in a contructive manner, and help you overcome it. Unfortunately, my ex couldn't do that, and it sounds like your's can't either. It's unfortunate as she will blame you in the beginning. Just hope that she doesn't have to go through what my ex has. (marriage that lasted 6 weeks, verbal abuse, 5th child conceived during that 6 weeks and has since been born, continuous domestic violence, dude not paying CS) Of course, my ex doesn't blame me anymore and litterally raves about me as a father and a man which is weird.


Funny thing is that she enjoyed sitting down and listening to music and watching concerts with me I didn't do it everyday like she claims. She wanted me to take more of a leadership role and propose be more proactive which i get, more alpha male and i felt into a rut, WE did. She didn't propose much more either, she felt as if i wasn't interested she wasn't going to be interested either, battle of egos and pride. I felt into a confort zone and her love/interest for me was dying, didn't say a damn Word. But i should have know right?

Funny too how your ex recognizes and sees you in a better light and "raves" about you as a father and a man, guess the grass wasn't greener right? 

You are better off.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's not weird at all. She realizes now what she has lost. Many do that -- when it's too late.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> ... Just hope that she doesn't have to go through what my ex has. (marriage that lasted 6 weeks, verbal abuse, 5th child conceived during that 6 weeks and has since been born, continuous domestic violence, dude not paying CS) Of course, my ex doesn't blame me anymore and litterally raves about me as a father and a man which is weird.


You mean she would jump your bone to try and reconcile? Stay away from her. Unless she's done a lot of therapy, she'll turn on you again.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> You mean she would jump your bone to try and reconcile? Stay away from her. Unless she's done a lot of therapy, she's turn on you again.


It's all good. I'm getting married in July. No ex influence whatsoever.


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## WasHappyatOneTime (Nov 26, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> It's all good. I'm getting married in July. No ex influence whatsoever.


Even I think you should change your moniker.


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## WasHappyatOneTime (Nov 26, 2012)

Regretf said:


> Funny thing is that she enjoyed sitting down and listening to music and watching concerts with me I didn't do it everyday like she claims. She wanted me to take more of a leadership role and propose be more proactive which i get, more alpha male and i felt into a rut, WE did. She didn't propose much more either, she felt as if i wasn't interested she wasn't going to be interested either, battle of egos and pride. I felt into a confort zone and her love/interest for me was dying, didn't say a damn Word. But i should have know right?
> 
> Funny too how your ex recognizes and sees you in a better light and "raves" about you as a father and a man, guess the grass wasn't greener right?
> 
> You are better off.


Keep in mind, you do need to take the lead in the relationship. If you are seen as passive or eager to please, the loss of respect is inevitable. And, it leads to very bad things.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

WasHappyatOneTime said:


> Keep in mind, you do need to take the lead in the relationship. If you are seen as passive or eager to please, the loss of respect is inevitable. And, it leads to very bad things.


Why do always needtotake the lead, csnt women also beproactive also? Thiz disney world prince charmin/knite in shinny armor is not doing favours to modern marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Did your ex really change? Did she complain about the disastrous marriage to you?

How does it feel to see her with a new child that is not yours?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Did your ex really change? Did she complain about the disastrous marriage to you?
> 
> How does it feel to see her with a new child that is not yours?


She has changed from an attitude perspective. She is much more humble and warm. In terms of how she lives, deals with things, or communicates, no. 

She hasn't really complained to me. She has tried, but I shut it down. We are coparents, not friends.

At first it was kind of strange to see her with a child, but now it's just part of everything. I'm just glad to be out of the relationship with her. She is a drain on everything....emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. I think she has good intentions. She just has no life skills or capabilities to see those intentions through. It's sad, really. The girl is stunningly beautiful.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

WasHappyatOneTime said:


> Keep in mind, you do need to take the lead in the relationship. If you are seen as passive or eager to please, the loss of respect is inevitable. And, it leads to very bad things.


I think it depends on the type of woman you are with. My fiance is former military, engineer, competitive crossfitter, and a self made woman. She is not passive. We communicate and make decisions together. So far, she excels at some things, and I excel at others. I plan sometimes, and she plans sometimes. It's all about balance.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Such a contrast between the two women in your life.

Beauty, intelligence and character are not accorded to us all in equal parts.

It must be confusing for good looking women to get attention but not be able to use beauty to create order in their lives.


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## WasHappyatOneTime (Nov 26, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I think it depends on the type of woman you are with. My fiance is former military, engineer, competitive crossfitter, and a self made woman. She is not passive. We communicate and make decisions together. So far, she excels at some things, and I excel at others. I plan sometimes, and she plans sometimes. It's all about balance.


Who decides?


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## WasHappyatOneTime (Nov 26, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> She has changed from an attitude perspective. She is much more humble and warm. In terms of how she lives, deals with things, or communicates, no.
> 
> She hasn't really complained to me. She has tried, but I shut it down. We are coparents, not friends.
> 
> At first it was kind of strange to see her with a child, but now it's just part of everything. I'm just glad to be out of the relationship with her. She is a drain on everything....emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. I think she has good intentions. She just has no life skills or capabilities to see those intentions through. It's sad, really. The girl is stunningly beautiful.


The baby? Or the ex?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Ex


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Dedicated-

How was the process of your in-house separation? The day to day crap? How did you handle "your" nights and "her" nights? Who moved out? The mortgage? When does love turn to hate? How to avoid that?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Trickster said:


> Dedicated-
> 
> How was the process of your in-house separation? The day to day crap? How did you handle "your" nights and "her" nights? Who moved out? The mortgage? When does love turn to hate? How to avoid that?


Process? It wasn't much of a process. It started with me sleeping on the couch. In reality, I kind of just did what I wanted to. We didn't have set nights. I ended up moving out after 1.8 years of it. The mortgage was in my name, and she was/is a SAHM. I moved out, got an apartment, and we agreed to have the mortgage be a deviation off of child support.

Love only turns to hate if you allow resentment to build. We had become very functional as coparents, and I actually felt our relationship had grown leaps and bounds. Unfortunately, she would never transition the relationship back to a romantic one. As much as I tried, she rejected it. I think the main way to avoid building resentment is to focus on your own personal development. By the time I left the house, I was so confident in myself that I was completely excited about my future without her. I was a much better man because of the entire experience, and that gave me a sense of gratitude.


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## Troop (Mar 30, 2015)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Love only turns to hate if you allow resentment to build. We had become very functional as coparents, and I actually felt our relationship had grown leaps and bounds. Unfortunately, she would never transition the relationship back to a romantic one. As much as I tried, she rejected it. I think the main way to avoid building resentment is to focus on your own personal development. By the time I left the house, I was so confident in myself that I was completely excited about my future without her. I was a much better man because of the entire experience, and that gave me a sense of gratitude.


How did you manage to do this? I am struggling everyday. I have started going to the gym and running, but it only helps for a bit. I know I need to focus on me, and getting myself better.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Troop said:


> How did you manage to do this? I am struggling everyday. I have started going to the gym and running, but it only helps for a bit. I know I need to focus on me, and getting myself better.


I had a very structured approach. I had a therapist I saw once every two weeks, a mentor I met with once a week, a strong strength and conditioning program, and an internal drive that just doesn't like to lose.

Everyday you must touch these three things.....mind, body, and soul. The most successful people in life ask themselves one question everyday. Am I investing in myself? 

I have about 60 books I read ranging all over the board in terms of relationships and self help books. I read them all in that time period. 

Eat right, lift heavy, run hard, journal your days, read something positive, enjoy your relationships (friends/kids), and be a beast at work.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Dedicated2Her said:


> You will. It is a process. Blaming her or being angry at her (which I am most certainly guilty of) feeds into your own selfish desires. Your desire is to see your family reconciled, however, that might not be what needs to happen for your wife to become who God called her to be. In addition, everyday through this is a lesson. He is teaching you. You just have to come to a place where you quiet yourself to hear from him. That can't happen when you are emotionally in turmoil. When you can start to see her from HIS point of view, then you know what love is. You start to truly understand joy, compassion, and honor. Your actions are then derived out of pure love rather than your selfishness of what you want. It makes you seperate from your pride and your ego, and that is a very good thing.
> 
> Regardless of the path that ends up happening, you will become more able to handle a woman or her emotions because your ultimate trust lies from above. It is a very uplifting thought. No longer will your happiness be tied to someone else's actions, thoughts, or moral compass.


This must be a awesome feeling I cant wait until I can come to terms like this. I to am a man a faith but got lost along the way. Now I am back in church working hard on trusting the Lord and his will.


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