# Has anyone experienced gaslighting?



## Sydnieandme (Jul 1, 2020)

My husband of 20 years - who is a loving, genuinely nice person 80% of the time - has always frustrated me with what I perceive as rude and inconsiderate behaviour for many years (we have almost split up over it in the past - and I am on the verge of leaving him now before I go mad!) 

The other day, talking to a friend, she said that he is a classic 'gaslighter'. I've never heard this term before. Basically, he does something which I (and a lot of other people) consider really rude and inconsiderate - and then vehemently denies that he has done anything wrong and insists that I have serious problems - and will be very disapproving of me and dish out punishments (nothing major, it might be cancelling a dinner we were supposed go out on, or refusing to come with me to something we had arranged).

An example is: at the weekend we were walking our dogs in the park and sat together to enjoy a coffee while the dogs ran around. In the distance there was a group of women drinking wine and laughing and i commented to him that they looked like they were having fun and wondered what they were celebrating. He never mentioned that he recognised or knew anyone in the group. When we finished our coffee and got up to go - without saying anything to me at all - he starting running across the park and sat down next to the group of women chatting. I was flabbergasted - he never said anything to me like 'I'm just going to say hello to xx' etc. I waited a few minutes and wandered down with my dogs and stood nearby waiting for him to acknowledge me or introduce me - he was deep in conversation with an attractive lady (who from what they were saying he knew from the past) but he totally ignored me. I called our dogs and carried on with our walk and just as we were leaving the park he caught up with me. He never said a word about this women or who she was, just mentioned that we should pop in the shop and get something for tea on the way home. 

I was furious and said to him 'how bloody rude are you! You literally just walked away from me with no explanation and didn't bother to introduce me or acknowledge that I was your wife to her.'. He kicked off saying he knew I would act like that and she's an old friend he's known for years and its fantastic to see her. He shouted at me that I always try to stop him having friends (which is totally untrue - he has loads of friends) and that's typical of me to be so jealous and possessive.' 

I explained that it wasn't who he was talking to - or that I was jealous. I just thought it was completely rude and disrespectful just walk away like that and that I would never treat someone I was with like that, I would introduce them and say 'oh have you met so and so - we used to work together, or so and so, this is my wife.

As usual he kicked off yelling at me and wouldn't listen to my point of view at all, so I just walked home in silence. I was going to brush it under the carpet as usual and forget it; but the next day we were clearing up and I mentioned an event that we are supposed to be attending and he knows means a lot to me - and he said: 'I've cancelled it, after your behaviour yesterday, I don't think its appropriate for us to go.'

I was furious. I also had a light bulb moment and thought I'm just not putting up with this anymore. In the past other things include on my birthday a couple of years ago we were supposed to be going out for dinner, but had an argument about something that day (can't even remember what about) so he took my friend's 18 year old daughter (who was staying with us for a few weeks) out to the posh restaurant he had booked for dinner instead. I told him it was totally inappropriate and a terrible thing to have done (I never told my friend but I would be furious if someone manipulated my 18 year old daughter like that) - but he insisted that he had done nothing wrong and it was my fault as if we hadn't argued he would have taken me instead.

Another occasion, my children (from a previous marriage) took us both away for weekend for my birthday with their partners and had organised lots of activities. The cottage they had booked happened to be only half an hour away from my husband's brothers house. My husband insisted that we all went to spend the day with his brother - which my children and their partners didn't want to do as they don't know him and they had organised activities. He had a massive tantrum shouting and yelling and saying that we were trying to stop him spending time with his family. I explained that my kids had organised this weekend for me as a treat and he had been invited to join us as a guest - and that we can go and visit his brother any other weekend. He sulked the rest of the weekend, didn't buy me a birthday present, and insisted that I go home in my son's car so that he could go and visit his brother while we all went home. 

He won't discuss any of this. I organised relate counselling for us a couple of years ago hoping that we could talk about it and make him understand how unhappy these situations were making me. On the first appointment, every time the counsellor tried to talk to put forward my point of view - he yelled at her too. I apologized to her and we left and never went back.

The bizarre thing is, most of the time he is a very loving, considerate person - but it seems to be interspersed with situations which I find totally unacceptable and then I am blamed for it.

I have moved into the spare room and once I get my head straight I plan to leave and move on. I do love him, but I just can't deal with how confused and muddled this weird behaviour makes me feel. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this and how they dealt with it?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Good lord...how he treats you is TERRIBLE!!!! And I'm so happy you wrote you were leaving, because THAT is the ONLY way to deal with someone like him!!!
And I'm willing to bet that anyone else who observes you two would say he is "a very loving, considerate person" much less than 80% of the time...I wonder if your perception is clouded by how he's been treating you, which makes it hard for you to judge his behavior.
From what you've written, he's most likely ONLY nice and loving (IF he even is) the other part of the time because HE is happy and getting what HE wants - that is NOT "love" in any form.

NO ONE deserves to be with a partner who will "punish" them for an argument or ANYTHING - he is NOT your parent, he is supposed to be your partner!!! He sounds manipulating and extremely selfish, and you NEED to get away from him.

Have you ever had any counseling for YOU (not him)...?? I think that is something you should start right away, to help restore your mental and emotional self, because it sounds like he's been working on erasing YOU and your authentic feelings the whole time you've been with him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You should have left long ago but it’s not too late.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He is a gaslighter. He wants what he wants when he wants it, and he is willing to try to convince everyone else, by any means, that they are crazy/wrong and that he is right in any situation.

Consider him like a bowl of M & M candies where 80% of them are perfectly fine, but the other 20% are poisonous. Eating only one of the poisonous ones won't kill you, but the more you eat, the more poisoned and damaged you get.

No one is perfect, but gaslighting is its own special kind of toxic. It damages the person who is lied to, makes them question their own sanity and as a result, makes them more angry and argumentative to prove they are not crazy. Getting away from the gaslighter is the only way to achieve personal confidence and peace again.

Have you spoken with your lawyer yet? He is not going to change, he'll just be 80% nice to win your trust again.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Adelais said:


> No one is perfect, but gaslighting is its own special kind of toxic.


Yes, a 1000 times, yes.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sydnieandme said:


> I organised relate counselling for us a couple of years ago hoping that we could talk about it and make him understand how unhappy these situations were making me. On the first appointment, every time the counsellor tried to talk to put forward my point of view - he yelled at her too. I apologized to her and we left and never went back.


I would expect a Relate counsellor, under those circumstances, to offer you an individual session to discuss what they call "_bridging to safety_", ie getting the **** out of there.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sydnieandme said:


> The bizarre thing is, most of the time he is a very loving, considerate person -


I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree with this. He is not at all a "loving" nor a "considerate" person. He is a controlling, manipulative, self-centered person. 
Until he faces that truth about himself, he won't change. What he's doing now, "works".


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## Sydnieandme (Jul 1, 2020)

Thank you everyone - all of your replies have been really helpful. To be honest I posted up on here because I am constantly doubting myself and whether I am over reacting and was half wondering if people would tell me this is the case. It's a relief to know that this isn't acceptable behaviour. We have a lovely house and reasonably nice life most of the time, but some of these events have almost pushed me over the edge. Probably the worst was a few years ago, I hired a villa in Turkey and I paid for all of our grown up children and their partners (out of my own savings) to join us for a holiday (not cheap - there were 14 of us altogether). On the second night we had arranged to have a BBQ - my daughter and I spent hours preparing food, while my sons got the pool area ready. Late in the afternoon, my husband came up to me and said that his sons and their partners had decided that they would prefer to go into town to a Chinese restaurant, and would I be offended if he joined them. I said 'yes, I would be mortally offended - we have spent all day getting everything ready for a BBQ - which they had all agreed was a good idea when we suggested it in the morning!' He accused me of being controlling and trying to stop him spending quality time with his 'children' and went with them anyway. I was so upset and humiliated that I went to bed and didn't join my children for the BBQ either. I almost booked a flight home, but my kids all persuaded me to ignore his behaviour and enjoy our holiday. I appreciate that his children were rude to make alternative plans, but felt that he should have stood by me, tried to persuade them to attend the BBQ and have the Chinese another night - and at the very least stay with me for the BBQ himself. To this day he says that I ruined the holiday for everyone by causing a scene.

I really need to write a list (it will be quite a long one) of all events like this - and read them to myself every time tries to be sweetness and light.


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## Sydnieandme (Jul 1, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I would expect a Relate counsellor, under those circumstances, to offer you an individual session to discuss what they call "_bridging to safety_", ie getting the **** out of there.


I think as we left, she did say to me that I could make an appointment on my own. I suppose at the time my aim was to try and get my husband to talk and understand why his actions were hurting me in the hope that it would change - and it was clear that this wasn't going to happen. I have never felt threatened physically and it is only in the last few weeks (because of my friend telling me about gaslighting and that she thought he was using this on me) that I even considered it abusive. I have always shouldered a lot of blame for most of the situations and left feeling ashamed and embarrassed by my 'unreasonable' behaviour. That's why gaslighting is such a confusing method of control - one minute you are being brought flowers and told how beautiful you are - the next you are being accused of being a jealous control freak because you have objected to behaviour which you (and your family and friends) consider to be to be pretty outrageous.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WTF.

No, you're not overreacting.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will never win.

Best to remove yourself permanently from his games.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My ex h with to do this to me. He would treat me bad, I would say something to him about it to address it, then he would get mad at me, spin it around to make me the bag person, then he would punish me by withdrawing affection, sleeping in the spare room, or not coming home. He never apologized, and I always had to let it go or else we would be constantly fighting and I didn’t want to live that way. 

He made me so crazy. He made me feel crazy, he made me doubt myself, and he really messed me up emotionally. It’s emotional abuse. I told him he needs to get therapy or else I’m out. And he refused therapy. So I divorced him and not until I was away from him did I realize what a number he did on me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I was married to someone very much like this....a controlling, passive aggressive gaslighter.

I left him.....best thing I ever did. I don't wish to threadjack with my own stories but I'll just say that the night before I told him we were done I'd had a bit too much to drink in anticipation of telling him, then I was too drunk to do it so I went to bed.

He barged in the room, flung the door open, and yelled "are you in here?????". He knew very well I was....he just liked to do douchbag things that allowed him to play dumb.

The next day that scumbag plopped down on the couch next to me, put his hand on my knee, and proceeded to play dumb like he had no idea what the problem was. 

I lost it and told him we were over....I was so tired of his phony, passive aggressive ********.

Sound familiar? You can read my story if you want more details.

Of course he proceeded to cry, beg, send lots of flowers, but I'd put up with 13 years of this.

Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of there. You'll kick your own ass for not having done it sooner. Your hb is a nasty bully.


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## Sydnieandme (Jul 1, 2020)

Thank you - I would love to read your story!!  



lifeistooshort said:


> Sound familiar? You can read my story if you want more details.


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## Sydnieandme (Jul 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I told him he needs to get therapy or else I’m out. And he refused therapy. So I divorced him and not until I was away from him did I realize what a number he did on me.


I've moved into the spare room and I wrote him a letter explaining the definition of 'gaslighting' I also attached an account of about 10 occasions when I feel that he treated me badly and then turned the situation around to be my fault and how he punished me. I left it by his bed a few days ago and the next morning he said 'I've read your letter.' and that's it. He hasn't commented on the contents of the letter or admitted any wrongdoing - however he is being all sweetness and light, offering to cook dinner and bringing me cups of coffee etc. I'm just sitting pretty in my own room at the moment. I know that we cannot save our marriage unless he acknowledges and admits that he has a problem and is willing to get help to do something about it. My mother asked me whether people could 'overcome' being a gaslighter and change - that is the $million question. Has anyone turned their relationship around once the situation has been confronted???


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You see he didn’t admit his behavior was wrong? You notice he didn’t offer to change, to go to counseling? And notice the behavior looks even more manipulative now (he is “acting” nice)...?

ya, they don’t change. It took me 27 years to leave my narcissistic, manipulative And abusive husband.

I honestly should have left him after the first year we were married! He always showered me with gifts to offset his bad behavior.

divorce him. His type don’t change... they just expect you to put up with MORE of his bad behavior.

stop second guessing yourself. I feel freedom I never had while married to me exH. No one treats me badly anymore! I just don’t allow it. It’s wrong and he knows it but he’s never gonna let on that he knows that. men like him should never be with a woman - it’s a special kind of abuse. Get out while you can.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Beach123 said:


> You see he didn’t admit his behavior was wrong? You notice he didn’t offer to change, to go to counseling? And notice the behavior looks even more manipulative now (he is “acting” nice)...?
> 
> ya, they don’t change. It took me 27 years to leave my narcissistic, manipulative And abusive husband.
> 
> ...


Bullies always love bomb, otherwise nobody would take it.

One of the reasons I've been so happy with my current bf is because he didn't love bomb me and it allows me to see him clearly. Nasty douchebags don't want you to see who they are so they have to love bomb.

In a healthy relationship one doesn't have to be "extra" nice.....they're already good people. Only nasty bullies have to be extra nice.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sydnieandme said:


> I've moved into the spare room and I wrote him a letter explaining the definition of 'gaslighting' I also attached an account of about 10 occasions when I feel that he treated me badly and then turned the situation around to be my fault and how he punished me. I left it by his bed a few days ago and the next morning he said 'I've read your letter.' and that's it. He hasn't commented on the contents of the letter or admitted any wrongdoing - however he is being all sweetness and light, offering to cook dinner and bringing me cups of coffee etc. I'm just sitting pretty in my own room at the moment. I know that we cannot save our marriage unless he acknowledges and admits that he has a problem and is willing to get help to do something about it. My mother asked me whether people could 'overcome' being a gaslighter and change - that is the $million question. Has anyone turned their relationship around once the situation has been confronted???


Good question. I know we like to believe we can change, and we like to believe in the best of people but who knows.
I too wrote my exH a similar letter and I got a similar reaction. But they are masters are distraction and making you forget about the issue by treating us really well... for a Moment. 

I think you might have to up the ante. A letter isn’t going to be his big Epiphany. I think you should tell him you want a separation, and make sure he knows it’s because of his gaslighting and inability to communicate.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Love bombing... I call it overcompensating for bad behavior.

you can’t make him see YOUR perspective... he is perfect and everything is your fault.

have a voice - speak your truth. Start by telling him that you deserve better - a life of being happy! Not someone who disrespects you and beats you down.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't bother telling him anything....it only opens the door for him to ******** and manipulate. He's already shown you who he is and he knows the issues, so why bother writing letters?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To answer your question directly, there was a time when I started to doubt my memory and sanity because of the "I never said that" stuff. I talked to a "sort of" pro about it and was informed that I was abusive for not accepting her lies and constantly changing expectations. Since then I have learned that lying is a standard and accepted method of man management. I don't believe anything out of her mouth any more. 
Good move with the in house separation. Don't do like me and keep making excuses for poor relationship behavior. Remember the goal of gaslighting is to mentally destabilize your partner. To remove a reliable, predictable life. If you think you are going crazy (as you have said) it's because he wants you to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People like that don’t change.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Sydnieandme said:


> ...I do love him, but I just can't deal with how confused and muddled this weird behaviour makes me feel. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced this and how they dealt with it?


Not saying he has a personality disorder, but this list can be illuminating when reflecting on gaslighting and many other behaviors that leave one feeling muddled and confused:



https://outofthefog.website/traits



Not obvious, but the name of each trait is clickable, and takes you to significantly more detail.

Trust your gut.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Sydnieandme Yeah. Gaslighting. My wife does this, but in her case I think it's related to the fact that she is a High Functioning Asperger's, but I do feel your pain.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sydnieandme said:


> Thank you everyone - all of your replies have been really helpful. To be honest I posted up on here because I am constantly doubting myself and whether I am over reacting and was half wondering if people would tell me this is the case. It's a relief to know that this isn't acceptable behaviour. We have a lovely house and reasonably nice life most of the time, but some of these events have almost pushed me over the edge. Probably the worst was a few years ago, I hired a villa in Turkey and I paid for all of our grown up children and their partners (out of my own savings) to join us for a holiday (not cheap - there were 14 of us altogether). On the second night we had arranged to have a BBQ - my daughter and I spent hours preparing food, while my sons got the pool area ready. Late in the afternoon, my husband came up to me and said that his sons and their partners had decided that they would prefer to go into town to a Chinese restaurant, and would I be offended if he joined them. I said 'yes, I would be mortally offended - we have spent all day getting everything ready for a BBQ - which they had all agreed was a good idea when we suggested it in the morning!' He accused me of being controlling and trying to stop him spending quality time with his 'children' and went with them anyway. I was so upset and humiliated that I went to bed and didn't join my children for the BBQ either. I almost booked a flight home, but my kids all persuaded me to ignore his behaviour and enjoy our holiday. I appreciate that his children were rude to make alternative plans, but felt that he should have stood by me, tried to persuade them to attend the BBQ and have the Chinese another night - and at the very least stay with me for the BBQ himself. To this day he says that I ruined the holiday for everyone by causing a scene.
> 
> I really need to write a list (it will be quite a long one) of all events like this - and read them to myself every time tries to be sweetness and light.



your H is a foul man, this is emotional abuse. There is something wrong with him I suspect, does he have some sort of Personality disorder, does he do this to others close to him? Sounds narcissistic.
You have become so desensitized to his behavior, you do not realize how bad it is. RUN!


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