# Pretend Marriage



## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

My DH has never really wanted to talk about our marriage, R, separation, etc. He's emotionally distant but has been being cordial and even affectionate if I make the first move. I have the impression that HE DOESN'T CARE about me. Anyone reading or listening in would say, duh.

It's been a rough year. I'll start with my child drifting off in depression and dropping out of hs. Anxiety, ADD. Then telling me, I'm transgender. In a couple days my DH was acting weird, I looked on his PC to find naked ladies, that he'd be involved with many and wanted to leave me as soon as I found out. I turned into Mother Bear and demanded he drop his lewd activities and concentrate on his family, as I needed support.

Fast forward through duty husband, he can't stomach me. He's still duty dad. Apparently he vowed to take care of them, but the original vow made to me -- eh. Doesn't seem he wants to resurrect the man who used to worship the ground I walked on. He's just trying to make it through the next few years.

My child is mostly on me. I have a close relationship and am trying to help. Back in school but struggled emotionally with self hatred. The DH does help some. But given this situation, it seems a horrible time to announce that dad's leaving. Our kids know some of what's gone on and my trans knows the most and says not to divorce.

Practically speaking, DH travels and is only home on the weekend most of the time. So I said, don't move. We'll pretend we're still married. In fact, we'll stay married but date others if we want. We'll support our kids as we always have. We've not had the *best* relationship for years but do work pretty well together as a family.

Our families would not think this was us if someone showed all the posts I've written here. Friends and neighbors would be blown away. All in all, we're very good actors.

Am I missing anything? Advice? Thoughts?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

an open marriage?

dating others while in the same home?

Do not drop an A bomb on your marriage.

Get a divorce first. having an open marriage will make things so much worse.

You will be adding more people to your family.

How would that work when you H is home and your date comes to the door? Or when your H brings his date home for supper?

Get the D, before you add more hatred into the home.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

An open marriage in your situation is a Band-Aid, at best. And if either of you meet someone you like more, they will very likely leave for them - it would be a better situation, no doubt. If it's only a couple of years until you can divorce, wait. Otherwise, perhaps it would help you cope, but know that it could also make things worse. You would need to agree to some rules for an open marriage to work without creating many more problems, so you will need to communicate to that extent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he's not moving out, did he move to another bedroom in the house?

I think that an open marriage is probably a really bad idea. He has the ability to create all kinds of havoc in your life, such as financially.

Getting a divorce right now would protect you from things like him hiding money, him spending lots of money dating other women, etc.

If you are going to do the open marriage thing, you need to read up on it. Check the laws in your state and make sure that adultery cannot be used against you in a divorce. Find out if legally you need some kind of open marriage contract with him in order to prevent adultery from being used as the basis of divorce.

Also, if he's already almost out the door, he's most likely going to file for divorce at some point. And you can be sure that that he will do everything to positon himself in the best position financially, and you in the worst position. By you not filing now, you are giving him time to plan an exit that benefits him over you. It's just foolish of you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KrisAmiss said:


> Practically speaking, DH travels and is only home on the weekend most of the time. So I said, don't move. We'll pretend we're still married. In fact, we'll stay married but date others if we want. We'll support our kids as we always have. We've not had the *best* relationship for years but do work pretty well together as a family.
> 
> Our families would not think this was us if someone showed all the posts I've written here. Friends and neighbors would be blown away. All in all, we're very good actors.
> 
> Am I missing anything? Advice? Thoughts?


BAD BAD idea. What kind of example is this setting for your kids?? One is already struggling emotionally, just imagine if you throw mom and dad having boyfriends and girlfriends into the mix! Your husband doesnt want to be with you, so just LET HIM GO. Hanging on is pathetic, find your self respect, put on your big girl panties and make a good life for yourself and your kids.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My son was going through a hard time with depression and trips to therapy when I left my ex. 

I knew it would be a hard time for him but I found that after we left his stress levels dropped. I had kept him out of all the mess but just my stress and unhappiness (which I didn't think I showed) was rubbing off on him. 

1 year later he is thriving and we no longer need professional help. My relationship problems weren't the cause of his issues but the environment wasn't one that was helping even though he said he didn't want to change homes and move and all that. Neither of us realized the toxic atmosphere we were around. No matter how hard you keep them away from it, it's like a black hole sucking up happiness all around it. 

I felt it all come off my, and the kids, shoulders when we left. 

An open marriage in your situation would end badly.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My son was going through a hard time with depression and trips to therapy when I left my ex.
> 
> I knew it would be a hard time for him but I found that after we left his stress levels dropped. I had kept him out of all the mess but just my stress and unhappiness (which I didn't think I showed) was rubbing off on him.
> 
> ...


You all make good points. I know it's a bad idea or at least unconventional. And yet...

My brilliant plan includes hiding the OM & OW from the kids. Hmm. And DH could sleep in another room. Sigh.

Sadly SGC makes a good point. My sweet child is super sensitive. Food for thought.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with the others. An open marriage is a bad bad idea. If you think kids won't notice that mom and dad sleep in separate beds, you are deluding yourself. Just as much as you are deluding yourself that they won't notice mom or dad getting dressed up to go out without the other regularly. Kids are perceptive they know things and see things you think they don't.
Your daughter's issues may all stem from the issues between your spouse and yourself. It may be a defense mechanism, it may be real. I don't know. But if you think exposing to the stresses an open marriage will impose on the family is helpful. I highly doubt it.
My daughter suffered from depression when I was married and right after I divorced. We talked about it. She said it was mainly due to never feeling she mattered. I felt the same way. Because my ex had a way of making you feel that way. Now she is doing much better, pursuing her career and spreading her wings to become the valuable person she wants to be, instead of trying to be the person her mother wanted her to become.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you get along well and both of you are decent, involved parents, why could you not continue to be cordial and cooperative and be effective coparents as two divorced people in two different houses? 

How would being divorced be any worse than what you are right now? If both of you are able to be cordial and friendly towards one another and both are loving, involved and supportive parents; how would remaining married on paper be any better than divorced and able to live as you want and do what you want but still maintain a cooperative and collaborative parenting plan?

I see no advantage to remaining married here and see no disadvantage to divorcing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now in regards to open marriage - again I see no advantage or see any point for either of you. 

Open marriage is not created equal for men and women. 

If you open your marriage and each have a hallpass to get with other people, men will be lined up down the street and around the corner to have sex with you. .....but the catch is it will just be for sex and no decent man would even consider having any kind actual relationship with a married woman who's husband is still in the house and still involved in the home and family. So if all you want is some extra schlong, then an open marriage would work fine for you. But if your ultimate preference is some kind of even semi-legitimate relationship, then an open marriage is simply not going to fit that bill. 

Now for your husband, if he is wanting to get with other women, then it is clearly in his best interests to divorce and just be a single man. Unless a guy is some kind of Chippendale-like good looking or some kind of celebrity or rock star or pro athlete or something, it is actually hard for a married man to just have completely no-strings hook ups if a woman knows that he is in an open marriage and has a hallpass. 

It is much easier for a married man to cheat and get with women behind his wife's back than it is for him to hook up with women knowing that his wife knows about it and approves of it. 

That is one of the differences between the girls and the boys. Men will line up to get with a married woman who's husband doesn't care who she screws. Women on the other hand have a built-in aversion to knowingly being a side piece and often won't touch a man with a hallpass with a ten foot pole. Women will cheat with a married man if she thinks she may "win" in the end. But they won't just hook up with him if his wife is ok with him screwing around on the side. 

So either way, I see no advantage to an open marriage if both of you are wanting to see other people (unless all you want is some NSA hook ups)

If you want to see other people, it's just good ol' fashioned horse-sense that each of you will do better as divorced, single adults rather than two people stuck in a dysfunctional and maladaptive marriage. 

As I said in my last post, I'm really not sure what advantage remaining legally married holds for any of you here. 

You may have some outdated and unrealistic views of what divorce means. Divorce does not have to mean that either of you abandons and never sees the kids again and divorce does not have to mean that you hate each other and try to slash each other's tires every chance you get. 

You are both already just cooperative coparents and weekend roommates. Assuming you can each find a suitable domicile that you can afford on your own and having to do a change-of-address form at the post office, what else is keeping you married?? 

(ok, that was a rhetorical question to make a point, I know that divorce is more involved and expensive than a change-of-address form at the post office. I was just making the point that you are only married on paper now and ask the question of how will it be any worse actually being divorced)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Parents often tell themselves they can hide stuff from their children but it rarely works out that way. 

Children are far more perceptive than their parents think. They know. 

Open marriages are okay for a few but they don't work in general.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sensitive kids are like sponges. They soak up all the emotions going on even when you try to keep them out of it. They can pick up on when things are wrong and we aren't happy. 

Friendly co-parenting in different homes can be a much better option. My ex has a better, closer relationship with his daughter now. We are friendly with each other, much better than when together, and the kids adjust and are thriving. 

My daughter is very sensitive to change and she did fine as well. 

For the most part, there was a study done on adults whose parents "stayed for the kids" and almost all said they would have preferred they divorced and found happiness.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My mother stayed for me. I wish she had gotten divorced. 

I stayed for my son. He wishes I had divorced long before I did. 

My mother and I were both married to cheaters. I knew my mother was unhappy. My son knew I was unhappy. 

I don't recommend staying for your children.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KrisAmiss said:


> You all make good points. I know it's a bad idea or at least unconventional. And yet...
> 
> *My brilliant plan includes hiding the OM & OW from the kids. *Hmm. And DH could sleep in another room. Sigh.
> 
> Sadly SGC makes a good point. My sweet child is super sensitive. Food for thought.



Oh yeah, raising your kids in a house full of lies...GREAT idea. They should really thrive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I concur with all that is written, scribed and etched in stone cold soberness.

On an open marriage:
Once you jump off the cliff....there is no going back.
Ii is not the fall that kills you, it is the sudden stop. 
When you wake up after a night out and some strange Knucklehead laying next to you asks for a drink of water.
And no friend to take your hand and awaken you from this nightmare.
You can brush off soil. But not a soiled memory. They fester into mud.

Get divorced first.
You have removed your rings....remove the sig-na-tores to that star-crossed event.

Unsubscribe.
Unhook.
Unclip.
Unfasten your seat belt and get up and go to a better future.

This IS your Fate. Do not resist. Roll with it.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

That sounds really tough. All that drama, stress, and hurt does seem to improve when you go ahead and end it. It is scary but what a drain on your energy to deal with your WH. Kids are smart, sounds like you have teenagers who are grown enough to know mom and dad are not ok. Think of it as setting a good example for your kids. When people treat you poorly you need to stand up for yourself. 

They say (and I found this to be true too) people don't realize how little their Cheater spouse was contributing to your household. You probably are doing most of the work, most of the parenting. Right now you have to parent your kids then stress over your H. When you cut off you H and stop giving him space in you head and heart you have more to give your kids. Your house can be a place of peace, honesty, and whatever you want because H is gone for you. H can still continue relationship with his kids but he sounds like he isn't around much anyway. (Weekend dad?). 

My H and I got along, didn't fight much. He seemed ambivalent about our relationship. It was convient for him. I had no idea how energy I was wasting on him. It is much easier to see with some NC that he hasn't cared about me at all. He tries to act nice but it's still shallow. 

I had to tell myself some lies in order to break it off with H. I said I would still see him, he would still be around. We would still be friends. As soon as he moved out, I didn't want to see him. Everything he did and said was so offensive but I could really accept it until he was gone. Maybe it's a subconscious way to protect yourself from dealing with it until you are ready.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Ynot said:


> My daughter suffered from depression when I was married and right after I divorced. We talked about it. She said it was mainly due to never feeling she mattered. I felt the same way. Because my ex had a way of making you feel that way.


You have made me cry. It would actually make my DH cry too. He doesn't mean to be this way, i don't think. It's not constant. But this is what I talk about in therapy, that I don't matter.

Something has always been *wrong* with this child. Her relationship with DH has been horrible. I've often been the protector. It's improved but all the history.

Thank you for sharing this. It's really triggered something in me. I need to break out of this. I don't understand myself. For all he's done and even before that, I wanted out but when I have all the evidence I need to tell myself, get out get out get out - I'm still wondering. Now why don't you like me again? As a mom, you put your needs last or I do most of the time. It's a hard habit to break. Do I actually get to choose?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kris Amiss, you sound miserable, your H is miserable, why not just get a divorce? You are not doing the kids any favours, in fact you might be better as co parents, if you part ways. You can both be good parents and raise well adjusted and happy kids, kids know when things are bad at home.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I do appreciate everyone chiming in here. Even way back when with my bfs, I had a hard time letting go. Hopeless romantic or something. I remind myself of this joke or some version that has alot more save attempts...

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's so hard to let go. It's terrifying and you go through all kinds of emotions. Divorce can have the same grief type as a death. 

But I've never known anyone who was scared and had a hard time leaving not feel happy that they did after. They all wish they had done it earlier and all felt good about their choice.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

KrisAmiss said:


> You have made me cry. It would actually make my DH cry too. He doesn't mean to be this way, i don't think. It's not constant. But this is what I talk about in therapy, that I don't matter.
> 
> Something has always been *wrong* with this child. Her relationship with DH has been horrible. I've often been the protector. It's improved but all the history.
> 
> Thank you for sharing this. It's really triggered something in me. I need to break out of this. I don't understand myself. For all he's done and even before that, I wanted out but when I have all the evidence I need to tell myself, get out get out get out - I'm still wondering. Now why don't you like me again? As a mom, you put your needs last or I do most of the time. It's a hard habit to break. Do I actually get to choose?


FWIW, it took me a couple of years to understand that I do matter, what I have to say matters and how I feel about something matters. For years I felt as though nothing I said mattered and I questioned whatever I thought as being wrong. If I said something made me feel badly, I was told "that is just silly or stupid or sick or whatever" usually followed with "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it I am leaving".

I was so invested in keeping the relationship alive, that I crawled back to apologize and promising to be more thoughtful in the future. I eventually gave away so much of who I was that I was completely unhappy. I was just waiting to die. I always thought to myself "wait a second! Nations go to war over this, people are willing to risk everything for it, so how could what I feel be wrong?" But being the frog who allowed himself to sit in the pan as the water began to boil, I told myself I must be wrong. 

It never occurred to me that she was doing this to our daughter. She told our daughter the way things were going to be, in much the same way she told me how things were going to be. As my daughter became more depressed trying to be something she wasn't, I was blamed for that as well. 

Once my daughter finished college, she and her fiancée decided they needed to escape parental orbit, so they both told their own parents that they needed to get the other one away from their parents. After my ex left, I moved closer to my daughter, at which point she told me all about her feelings. Her and her fiancée both told me, that if it had to be anyone, they were glad it was me. Because I was the only one who allowed them to be who they wanted to be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The regret, when it comes, is always that you stayed too long -- not that you left. 

Fear keeps people in dysfunctional marriages. Some die there. Don't be one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are full of fear of the unknown. 

See a lawyer to learn the facts of divorce and find out what your actual rights and responsibilities will be in a divorce so that you are armed with actual facts and knowledge so that your mind isn't full of conjured up myths and misconceptions. 

Then see an individual counselor that will help you get your brain and feelings unscrambled so you can get a better grasp of what your personal life will be like after divorce rather than all these nightmare scenarios that are running rampant through your head. 

Get armed with facts and realities so that you aren't so paralyzed by fears and myths and 'what-ifs". 

You will take definitive action when the pain of staying becomes greater than your fear of leaving.


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