# Hypocrite or Oblivious



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

As I have said before, I am a bit overweight. When playing volleyball in college I was 6' tall and 180 lbs. 25 Years later and I am now 210 lbs. Have been as big as 220lbs. I know I could drop a few pounds.

My wife is a SAHM and we have three kids (15 to 18). She works out 3 to 5 times a week while I am at work. 

She gives me a hard time about not exercising enough. She also gives me a hard time for eating lunch out everyday and eating fast food sometimes (I love a burger now and then). She has told me I shouldn't eat at fast food because I am too big. For the past couple of months, I have been limiting myself to two burgers per month.

Anyhow, last night we came home from an event where a bunch of other couples were at. The women must have had a discussion.

My wife tells me that she thinks one husband is an total jerk because he gave his wife hell for eating a burger at McDonald's. He told her that with her body, she shouldn't be eating anything at McDonald's. My wife said that if it was her, she would bring a bunch of burgers home and eat them right in front of him.

I laid there for a bit scratching my head thinking, why is this guy a jerk for saying this when my wife has told me pretty much the exact same thing. I called my wife on it and said, "You have pretty much said the exact same thing to me".

She got upset and back pedaled a bit. Trying to say that her and the kids are trying so hard to watch what they eat and are exercising and looking after themselves. That I have a family history of Alzheimer's and that proper exercise is supposed to help this.

I just was flabbergast that she actually told me this story and was so adamant about what a jerk this guy is.

So is she a hypocrite or just oblivious?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I would say she's most likely an oblivious hypocrite. It's very common these days. You mentioned she was talking to other women and may have be influenced by that conversation. This has happened to me. The women get together and start complaining, get all worked up about their men and you end up receiving that energy at home. In general does your wife have consistently logical opinions? If not then she may be more on the oblivious side.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I sometimes thing she has a mental problem. 

She can one day give the kids hell for eating food in the basement and then the next day take a bunch of stuff down there for them to eat.

The other day, one of my daughters asked to stay home from school in the morning. On my way down to talk to them she said, "They can dam well get up for school". When I got back upstairs she was annoyed that I didn't let her sleep in because "we have let them before".

It is a constant guessing game as to what to do that would make her happy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why isn't she working dosn't seem like she really needs to be there for kids as old as yours.

and then she might not have time to work out 3 times a week and you guys and work out together.

she an entiled b**** in my opinion and has to spout off when ever she likes no matter who she offends.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Yeap, sounds like my wife to me.

If you backtrack to the past, you'll realized she's never done anything wrong. You are always wrong.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

scione said:


> Yeap, sounds like my wife to me.
> 
> If you backtrack to the past, you'll realized she's never done anything wrong. You are always wrong.


I remember one time I thought I was right ...... 

But I was wrong!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> why isn't she working dosn't seem like she really needs to be there for kids as old as yours.


She doesn't work because there is already too much stress around our house because it isn't clean and tidy enough for her. At least since she doesn't have a job, it isn't all my fault. 




> and then she might not have time to work out 3 times a week and you guys and work out together.


I would be spending my nights cleaning a clean house and wouldn't have time to work out for sure.




> she an entiled b**** in my opinion and has to spout off when ever she likes no matter who she offends.


She isn't entitled. She works hard at cleaning a clean house and laundry and kids. She works harder than I do. Just doesn't earn a cent. And we have quite a bit of money, and she is quite thrifty when it comes to spending it.

Big problem is that she doesn't respect me and so she has no problem offending me and talking down to me. I am working on setting better boundaries and calling her on her BS. The problem is that the more I call her on it, the more fights we have.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Sounds like a hypocrite to me, or at the least someone who lacks consistancy on issues that they supposedly care about. My wife has become more consistant after I've pointed out her mixed messages on several issues.

One was similar to this; we were dieting and neither of us would be home to make dinner. She called and we discussed the situation. My idea was first one home can start dinner. There was food in the house. So I get home first and start dinner around 8:30 pm shortly before nightfall (summertime). Had salad made and grilled chicken with summer veggies done by nght fall around 9:30 pm.

Wife is not home so I called her cell and told her dinner was ready, no answer so it was a voicemail that I left. 20 minutes or so go by, I call again, leave another voicemail. I'm dammm hungry now so I eat by myself and start watching a movie. 

She comes home around 11:30 with pizza and chicken wings and is half smashed...WTF! I'm angry about the situation. I held my temper and asked her if she received my calls. She said she didn't check her voicemail.

I stated, "Ok, so you were at work until when?" She responded, "Oh, girlfriend called and we out for a couple drinks and time just flew by, her husband is such a controlling jerk and she needed to talk." She went on to tell me that they already ate while they were drinking and discussing what a jealous controlling jerk girfriends husband is. 

This happened about a week after my wife brought up the issue of eating healthier, dieting, and how she wanted my support in doing so which involved me cooking dinner. Agian WTF! She ate some of the take out food and drank most of the take home beer. She wraped up the reat of the food and put it in the fridge. It sat there for 2 weeks. When she fed it to the dogs upon my request she asked why I didn't eat it... LOL... And I told her why.

I'm 6"1 and weighed about 225 then. Now I'm happy with my weight at 192. She has lost like 10lbs since then that hasn't really changed in last month. I can tell she has some resentment about my weight loss and her lack of it. 

Sorry for the long ramble, hope I didn't thread jack your post.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What amazes me is how my wife can be so rude and thoughtless and mean towards her family, but so perfect with other people.

I am sure that 99% of our friends thing she is the perfect mom, housekeeper and wife.

If we were ever to divorce, she would care much more about what the world thought of her than how I felt. I think sometimes this is the main pressure that keeps her from leaving me.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I remember one time I thought I was right ......
> 
> But I was wrong!


 Me too!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Yardman said:


> Sounds like a hypocrite to me, or at the least someone who lacks consistancy on issues that they supposedly care about. My wife has become more consistant after I've pointed out her mixed messages on several issues.
> 
> One was similar to this; we were dieting and neither of us would be home to make dinner. She called and we discussed the situation. My idea was first one home can start dinner. There was food in the house. So I get home first and start dinner around 8:30 pm shortly before nightfall (summertime). Had salad made and grilled chicken with summer veggies done by nght fall around 9:30 pm.
> 
> ...


No problem about the thread jack. Not really a serious thread, just got me thinking after our argument this morning.

When you started talking about getting supper ready I thought you were going to go in a different direction. My wife is a SAHM so she makes probably 95% of the meals. When the meal is ready, everyone is ordered to come and eat. If someone is busy with something, they are ordered to quit what they are doing and come and eat. Actually, I am usually ordered to go and order them to come and eat.

When I make a meal, 75% of the time, the kids and I eat the meal and my wife shows up 5 or 10 minutes later, 'because she was busy'!!!


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I am working on setting better boundaries and calling her on her BS. The problem is that the more I call her on it, the more fights we have.


I've learned that it is best to just state the facts, why you won't tolerate it anymore and then either state you will discuss it at a leter time or say nothing or little about her replies. 

Basically, don't get wrapped up in the moment. You won't loose your cool and she will have time to think about what you said.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> No problem about the thread jack. Not really a serious thread, just got me thinking after our argument this morning.
> 
> When you started talking about getting supper ready I thought you were going to go in a different direction. My wife is a SAHM so she makes probably 95% of the meals. When the meal is ready, everyone is ordered to come and eat. If someone is busy with something, they are ordered to quit what they are doing and come and eat. Actually, I am usually ordered to go and order them to come and eat.
> 
> When I make a meal, 75% of the time, the kids and I eat the meal and my wife shows up 5 or 10 minutes later, 'because she was busy'!!!



We went through this years ago. The fix was that dinner was ready at xx:xx time. Be there!

If that time is an ongoing issue move it. There are times work or school activities interfer, but that can be forseen.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

There is no way that we could schedule dinner to be at a certain time. The time has to revolve around three kids schedules that are involved in a bunch of things in the evening. Could be any time from 4:30pm to 7:00pm when we actually have time to eat.

The problem isn't the time. 

The problem is the double standard. If someone is busy they have to drop it to come and eat. But if my wife is busy, it is OK for her to eat when she wants. 

If it was up to me, I would tell them they are told once that supper is ready. If they don't come eat, then they get cold food. The last one done eating cleans up the kitchen. 

But of course, I am too stupid to make any rules.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> What amazes me is how my wife can be so rude and thoughtless and mean towards her family, but so perfect with other people.
> 
> I am sure that 99% of our friends thing she is the perfect mom, housekeeper and wife.
> 
> If we were ever to divorce, she would care much more about what the world thought of her than how I felt. I think sometimes this is the main pressure that keeps her from leaving me.


I see that too about my wife and those of others. Watch out for her talking you down with her friends. Haven't seen that with my wife, but have seen it with her some of her girlfriends. She has "shared" some the convo with me and asked of take on things. I usually respond, "From what GF said, he does sound jealous and controlling. Have you heard his side of the story?" She hasn't.

Sometimes I think it's a Public Relations campaign amungst women to glorify themselves while demeaning their men. This serves to justify any actions they may take in the future or in the recent past.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think she is oblivious. From the way that you have described her, she sounds very self-absorbed, a perfectionist, and someone who loves to criticise others.

She does not equate her remarks to you with the other husband's remarks to his wife. SHE would never be so insensitive (that is how she thinks). She appears to be clueless about how she comes off to other people. 

I would ignore her judgemental comments, and try to be calm around her emotional outbursts.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> There is no way that we could schedule dinner to be at a certain time. The time has to revolve around three kids schedules that are involved in a bunch of things in the evening. Could be any time from 4:30pm to 7:00pm when we actually have time to eat.
> 
> The problem isn't the time.
> 
> ...


That is reasonable.

I would impliment it on the night I make dinner. Don't force the kids home if something important is going on. Call them on BS like playing games. No need to force last one to eat to clean up the mess. Just put portions on a plate, plastic wrap it and they can nuke it later.

Cleaning up the mess should be a rotating job. Not sure how old your kids are. If approached correctly it can be a fun time and not a chore/nasty task. The longer things sit the harder they are to clean.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Oh, it is good to have a few meals where everyone sits at a table together and eats. It can even be breakfast, brunch, or lunch on a weekend.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> I think she is oblivious. From the way that you have described her, she sounds very self-absorbed, a perfectionist, and someone who loves to criticise others.
> 
> She does not equate her remarks to you with the other husband's remarks to his wife. SHE would never be so insensitive (that is how she thinks). She appears to be clueless about how she comes off to other people.
> 
> I would ignore her judgemental comments, and try to be calm around her emotional outbursts.


:iagree: I think it pissed her off when I called her on it because she truly doesn't see herself as being 'so insensitive'. She tried to justify it by saying how more important it was for me to watch what I eat.

It is very hard to just ignore her comments. Sometimes she can be just downright mean. 

I flip flop between letting her comments go (less fighting) and calling her on it (more fighting). My thought was that calling her on it will make me look more alpha to her, which I think is an issue as most people think of me as a 'nice guy'.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> There is no way that we could schedule dinner to be at a certain time. The time has to revolve around three kids schedules that are involved in a bunch of things in the evening. Could be any time from 4:30pm to 7:00pm when we actually have time to eat.
> 
> The problem isn't the time.
> 
> ...


Try taking her spot away when she does not show, then tell her you assumed she was not eating, then ignore her. The first part worked when my brother kept coming late to the table. after a couple times of being ignored, including cleaning up around him when we all were done, quickly fixed the problem (though I admit it is a different dynamic when it is the parent at fault).


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Try taking her spot away when she does not show, then tell her you assumed she was not eating, then ignore her. The first part worked when my brother kept coming late to the table. after a couple times of being ignored, including cleaning up around him when we all were done, quickly fixed the problem (though I admit it is a different dynamic when it is the parent at fault).


I don't really care if she doesn't come and eat right away. Her choice if she wants to eat cold food.

My problem is that it is OK for her, but it is a major fricken problem if the kids or I don't jump and get to the table as soon as we are told.

You are correct about the difference between a kid and a parent. That might work for a kid, but my wife is 'the boss'. Don't think you would take away your bosses chair if he showed up late for a meeting.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> :iagree: I think it pissed her off when I called her on it because she truly doesn't see herself as being 'so insensitive'. She tried to justify it by saying how more important it was for me to watch what I eat.
> 
> It is very hard to just ignore her comments. Sometimes she can be just downright mean.
> 
> I flip flop between letting her comments go (less fighting) and calling her on it (more fighting). My thought was that calling her on it will make me look more alpha to her, which I think is an issue as most people think of me as a 'nice guy'.


Call her on it. Don't fight. Just state the facts about calling her out. If she persists on a fight set a time in the future to argue/fight. Discuss it no more that day/evening.

Your aversion to "fighting" makes me wonder if you were a "peacemaker" in your early days growing up. I was. Just pick a time for fither discussion later. If she tries to push your buttons, shut down or take a walk.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> You are correct about the difference between a kid and a parent. That might work for a kid, but my wife is 'the boss'. Don't think you would take away your bosses chair if he showed up late for a meeting.


She is da Boss?
Must make you another kid.

Seriously, you need to change this situation.

I say, take control and set your own dinner rules in place.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Yardman said:


> She is da Boss?
> Must make you another kid.
> 
> Seriously, you need to change this situation.
> ...


She is the boss because she is bossy and controlling.

She often tells me I am just another kid.

An example is: The kids are laughing a goofing around (15 year old and 16 year old). They are getting a little loud.

Two things happen:

1) My wife tells them to quiet down. Then gives me **** because 'She had to say something. That she is the only parent"
or
2) My wife tells me to tell them to be quiet. Which I do. And again she tells me how useless I am, that I had to be told to do something.

But in reality, I didn't think they needed to be told to be quiet. They were a bit loud, but they were having fun and I figured it would be over by itself in a couple of minutes.

When my wife is there she is the boss and everyone is on edge. Someone will do something wrong and there will be a fight.

When my wife isn't there, all is good. The kids are well behaved. They might leave a glass or two around, but not a big deal to me. If I notice it and ask them politely, they will put it away. Sometimes I notice it and just put it away myself. Sometimes I might not notice it at all until the next day.

When I tell my kids to do something, they do it. It pisses her off when I ask them politely to do something and they just do it. When my wife tells them, they often ignore her until there is a huge fight.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

The differing standards for you versus her friend doesn't really surprise me. I think it is very common to judge women's issues very differently than men's issues. Just look at some of the threads around here. What I'm getting at is that we've sensitized ourselves to be more compassionate to a woman's situation in this regard, but it'll still take time to catch up on the man side.

My wife is a similar example. In the early years of marriage, she never spared a second thought about telling me that I shouldn't eat something 'for my health'. My body fat level is probably lower than 90% of men in our country, but my wife, a nurse practicioner, used to equate obesity with laziness. When I went through a midlife crisis, and found out that a mild muscle disease could have life-threatening consequences one day, I gained ten pounds. She admitted that it disgusted her.

She now has an eating addiction. As part of her therapy plan, she is required to avoid fast food. She told me about it, so I offered to help pack nutritious lunches. I started noticing debit card transactions to a fast food restaraunt almost daily. I asked her if she was eating hamburgers, and you would've though that I was telling her that I found HER to be disgusting. Now, I don't touch the subject with a ten foot pole. Apparently, the whole section of her course that we covered about asking others to keep us honest with ourselves about eating doesn't apply to menfolk.

But the positive side is that my wife is a woman of integrity. She realized that her past approach was unfair, and apologized. Also, she is trying to let me be a motivator for her exercise plans without turning the whole thing into a confusing mental trap. I would like to believe that maybe your wife will now see that you deserve a degree of consistency. 

To be honest, though, some of the deeper issues around your wife's critical nature hit very close to home. In the later replies of yours, I see some striking similarities, issues that led me to ask for a divorce (we are trying to reconcile). That could easily spell problems that require dramatic ultimatums to resolve if you are describing a pattern of behavior towards you.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Yes, you have your kids respect, in an odd kinda way, you are the "fall guy". They don't want to see you take the hurt they have from mom, so when you ask or say to do something they comply. When mom does so, they cop an attitude. 

Good news bad news, they respect you and not mom who they think is a B!tch. They probably view you as one of the kids in a way since you take so much crap from mom. Kids often say, "that's not fair" Well life ain't fair either, but a home should be for the most part with boundaries enforced as fairly as possible.

I still say, take controll of a family meal or two, or three.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Basically, your kids, teenagers, will revolt against perceived unjust authority that, "keeps them in their place". 

I'm curious to know it their relationship with their mother was better when they were much younger and dependant upon her. Also how the family got along then. Was she emerging as "Da Boss" or already there?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

She was always the boss. There was near the fighting though as the kids for the most part, just did what they were told.

Now that they are teenagers they are wanting to make some of their own decisions and they have a better idea in regards to what is 'fair'.

You are correct about them respecting me. They listen even when mom isn't around. Typically because I don't nag about mundane things and so when I do nag, they know I mean it. When mom is around, they will do things to 'protect' me from the 'b!tch' (your words not mine).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The meal thing is normal female behavior. When my W says dinner is ready - we all immediately stop what we are doing. Which is fine. 

But if she was slow when I cooked we would have a low key conversation. I know my W - she would have made a helluva a lawyer. Thing is she knows me. If she tried to argue in that situation I would get a stop watch and put it on the table. And I would smile and ask her "What is an acceptable wait time - from announcing to arrival"? And she would then smile back, put the watch away and promise to be prompt. And then going forward she WOULD BE prompt. 

SadSam,
Be careful or you are going to end up with a wife like Runs Like A Dog. A monster of your own creation. 




SadSamIAm said:


> No problem about the thread jack. Not really a serious thread, just got me thinking after our argument this morning.
> 
> When you started talking about getting supper ready I thought you were going to go in a different direction. My wife is a SAHM so she makes probably 95% of the meals. When the meal is ready, everyone is ordered to come and eat. If someone is busy with something, they are ordered to quit what they are doing and come and eat. Actually, I am usually ordered to go and order them to come and eat.
> 
> When I make a meal, 75% of the time, the kids and I eat the meal and my wife shows up 5 or 10 minutes later, 'because she was busy'!!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Halien said:


> The differing standards for you versus her friend doesn't really surprise me. I think it is very common to judge women's issues very differently than men's issues. Just look at some of the threads around here. What I'm getting at is that we've sensitized ourselves to be more compassionate to a woman's situation in this regard, but it'll still take time to catch up on the man side.
> 
> My wife is a similar example. In the early years of marriage, she never spared a second thought about telling me that I shouldn't eat something 'for my health'. My body fat level is probably lower than 90% of men in our country, but my wife, a nurse practicioner, used to equate obesity with laziness. When I went through a midlife crisis, and found out that a mild muscle disease could have life-threatening consequences one day, I gained ten pounds. She admitted that it disgusted her.
> 
> ...


You will have to enlighten me if you want me to comment on the similarities you see. Not sure what you are getting at.

We have ongoing issues surrounding how to handle teenagers and lack of affection/sex.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> The meal thing is normal female behavior. When my W says dinner is ready - we all immediately stop what we are doing. Which is fine.
> 
> But if she was slow when I cooked we would have a low key conversation. I know my W - she would have made a helluva a lawyer. Thing is she knows me. If she tried to argue in that situation I would get a stop watch and put it on the table. And I would smile and ask her "What is an acceptable wait time - from announcing to arrival"? And she would then smile back, put the watch away and promise to be prompt. And then going forward she WOULD BE prompt.
> 
> ...


I have seen posts by Runs Like a Dog but haven't read his story. I will look for it.

Are you saying that he caused his wife to be the way she is?


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Are they both male teenagers?

Good news bad news... If both males they will rebel against an overly domineerignly mother. They will want you on their side. You will have to choose, B!tch wife or boys. They are already kinda messed in da head from your wife's nonconsistent rules. 

The acts they take may very well affect their future if done wrong and on the spur of the moment. Get together with your boys and cook yourselves some food. Sit together and talk. Listen to them without cutting off their convo.

Cleaning up the the after meal mess from making the meal is kinda like cleaning up the emotional mess your wife leaves, but way less taxing and has a cleansing palate effect.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sad,
I would not say he "caused" her to become a monster. 

I would say with absolute certainty he ALLOWED her to become one. And the awful thing about it is that this type thing happens slowly and over a long period of time. 

Your W's behavior sounds very disturbing. Some simple triangulation:
- She treats friends/neighbors nicely and knows the proper way to interact with adults
- She would NEVER allow anyone to speak to her the way she talks to you

While I am mostly big on humor, if my W told me I was worthless and a child she would get a harsh response: "I work hard to support you and am neither a child nor worthless. Don't you DARE speak to me like that". 

And then there would be no meaningful interaction until I got a full and unqualified apology. And for something like "that" which is in my opinion severe, the limited interaction would span holidays/birthdays, etc. Meaning there would be no pretending everything was all right. 

P.S. Since your wife seems to play fast and loose with the truth, within a day of it happening she should get a short email recapping the event, explaining how her behavior was totally unacceptable and that there would be no normal interaction until she apologized and promised not to do it again. 




SadSamIAm said:


> I have seen posts by Runs Like a Dog but haven't read his story. I will look for it.
> 
> Are you saying that he caused his wife to be the way she is?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Sad,
> I would not say he "caused" her to become a monster.
> 
> I would say with absolute certainty he ALLOWED her to become one. And the awful thing about it is that this type thing happens slowly and over a long period of time.
> ...


MEM's post hits on the similarities of our situations. I've watched my wife smile, greet friends warmly, and even laugh with her friends. Never experienced it happenin' to me, though. In my situation, I pushed back for years, but loved her enough that I just accepted a life of feeling alone. She never saw it as intentional. Just a hyper critical perfectionist. The key is that she thought that I just knew that she loved me deeply, so she viewed her conversations as just 'opportunities for improvements'. Also, her bipolar depression affects her much of the time. Basically, I know how you feel.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Sam, You need to take control of the situation. A start would just be cooking a meal for your boys. Invite the wife or not. Might be a good idea to have a mens' night home meal so she can't interact and cause trouble. If you are making a pot of chili, ask the wife to stir the pot CONSTANTLY. LOL. If she walks away and starts running her mouth tell her the pot will burn and the meal will be ruined.

I think you have been ruined by the B!tch stiring the pot and then leaving it neglected. Don't let happen to your boys. It would be tragic.

Some folks think cooking is a female's job. I disagree, but even if you believe it is, doing so alone with your boys will liberate you from what was a required interaction with their mother. That is most likely why they avoid meal time. The food is good, but dealing with mom ain't worth the hassle. So mom tells you to be the bad ass and make them all come to dinner. When you guys fill your plates she knows she can give you an earfull of whatever you did wrong and put you in your proper place, below her


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

sadsam: your wife is a stay at home wife??? OMG she really needs to reform her ways. You bust your ass going to work everyday and she stays home and *****es at you? How do we men get into these situations?

You need to take control and start letting these comments bounce off of you. Read the NMRNG and MMSL. The techniques will work.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Does your wife have hobbies and friends of her own?

She sounds very very controlling. I really don't think you're gonna be able to stop any of this unless you can take some of that control away. 

I agree with everyone else - cook more meals, do some more cleaning. It may make her feel more like she isn't the one who rules the roost. I know she is a SAHM, but maybe helping a bit more will allow her possibly a P/T job which may make things better?

To me, it seems she feels like she does everything for the family and you do less, so therefore she has more control over everything. Take some of that away from her and she may feel like she has less weight in conversation.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

I missed the SAHM part.

Yes, definetly start making a few meals week by your rules. She thinks she has a monopoly on the deal and therefore anything that goes with it.

Unless you reighn her in, your boys will rebel. She will blame you for it, you will admit a part, hopefully not all blame.. And the boys will be getting into trouble by rebeling against their over domineering mother. 

Heck, if you don't feel like cooking or if da wife is ruling the kitchen, take the boys out to eat. Skip the fast food burgers and get some good local pounders smothered in cheese, and whatever else ya want on top. Don't forget the fries.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Sad,
> I would not say he "caused" her to become a monster.
> 
> I would say with absolute certainty he ALLOWED her to become one. And the awful thing about it is that this type thing happens slowly and over a long period of time.
> ...


Our interaction has been the way you mention above. Just last night I was watching the hockey game while she was doing laundry and cleaning up supper. She made a comment about how she is the only one that does anything around the house. In the past, I would have gotten up and helped with the cleanup. Last night I told her that I know she spent the morning having coffee and chatting with friends while I was at work. That I spent 8 hours working that day and I was watching the hockey game.

I like your idea about the email recap. Typically, we have these spats where she is unreasonable about either the kids or the house or something and then a few days later it is gone and forgotten. The email recap would be a good way of keeping track of how often this happens. One problem we have is when we scrap, she recalls stuff from months or years ago to justify her argument, while I have a hard time recollecting my evidence.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Halien said:


> MEM's post hits on the similarities of our situations. I've watched my wife smile, greet friends warmly, and even laugh with her friends. Never experienced it happenin' to me, though. In my situation, I pushed back for years, but loved her enough that I just accepted a life of feeling alone. She never saw it as intentional. Just a hyper critical perfectionist. The key is that she thought that I just knew that she loved me deeply, so she viewed her conversations as just 'opportunities for improvements'. Also, her bipolar depression affects her much of the time. Basically, I know how you feel.


Thanks .... I have done some reading and on narcissism. Neither fits my wife perfectly but she has symptoms of both. Twenty three years and counting for me. Seems like we have a couple of good weeks and a couple of bad weeks every month. 

Stress usually causes the bad weeks. Stress to my wife is going on holidays (leaving tomorrow) or people coming to the house. I can't imagine if she had a job that was stressful.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Yardman said:


> Sam, You need to take control of the situation. A start would just be cooking a meal for your boys. Invite the wife or not. Might be a good idea to have a mens' night home meal so she can't interact and cause trouble. If you are making a pot of chili, ask the wife to stir the pot CONSTANTLY. LOL. If she walks away and starts running her mouth tell her the pot will burn and the meal will be ruined.
> 
> I think you have been ruined by the B!tch stiring the pot and then leaving it neglected. Don't let happen to your boys. It would be tragic.
> 
> Some folks think cooking is a female's job. I disagree, but even if you believe it is, doing so alone with your boys will liberate you from what was a required interaction with their mother. That is most likely why they avoid meal time. The food is good, but dealing with mom ain't worth the hassle. So mom tells you to be the bad ass and make them all come to dinner. When you guys fill your plates she knows she can give you an earfull of whatever you did wrong and put you in your proper place, below her


Yardman ... we have two girls and a boy. 

The problem we have is with Jekyll and Hyde and with hypocrisy.

We can have days where there is arguing because people didn't come to the table on time and then the next night it is no problem. We typically do eat as a family and we do have some good discussions. 

My wife can go from being very mean and demanding to being a very good mom. She is a better listener than me. She will spend quite a bit of time talking to the girls late into the night about things.

But what happens is that a couple of days later she is grumpy and she will use things they told her against them. The kids deal with the same thing as me in that they are wondering which mom they will see at any given time.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Lydia said:


> Does your wife have hobbies and friends of her own?
> 
> She sounds very very controlling. I really don't think you're gonna be able to stop any of this unless you can take some of that control away.
> 
> ...


My wife is a SAHM but she works much harder than I do. She has friends that she exercises with and has coffee with afterwards. The house is always very clean, laundry is done and meals are prepared. 

She doesn't respect me and/or try to understand what I do in regards to our business. We make a fair amount of money and I am very good at my job. The nature of our business doesn't require a great deal of accounting, so I thought she could do that. She has never wanted to get involved.

When I get home from work, I get the all you did was sit on your ass all day. She wants me to exercise more (which I should), but she doesn't realize how tiring it can be to do what I do.

We are a software company and it is quite technical. It is very difficult to talk to her about what went on during the day. I have tried. 

"Client A called today with a strange error message I have never seen. It took me two hours to figure out that if these three things occurred at the same time on the same record, then we had this conflict. Took us another 3 hours to figure out how to redesign the data module so that the issue doesn't happen anymore. It will be a couple of weeks before we find and fix all the places where this situation could occur." 

Not very exciting stuff, I am sure you quit reading after the second sentence.

So I am at work and she is out exercising and having coffee or shopping. After work, we eat and then she is cleaning and cleaning and doing laundry, etc while I am relaxing from the day. She thinks I sit around all day and then sit around all night as well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SadSam,
It is great that you eat together as a family. No matter what I said earlier, don't let this conflict disrupt family meals. 

A few other random thoughts:
- it is extremely common for a wife to be stressed at the thought of company coming
- there is the smooth/helpful and the clumsy helpful approach to this

The clumsy (speaking from painful experience) goes like this: babe I know you are stressed because we are having guests, what can I do to help you?

Far better: "I know it's important that the house look nice when our guests come, I am going to take care of xyz"

That said, if she behaves badly toward me while I am helping I smile and do the "partner abuse penalty, I am going to watch some football". That produces a quick apology and a cessation of mean comments. If it didn't I would go watch football because the truth is that making the house perfect is her priority not mine, I am supportive as long as she plays nice. 

Fwiw - my wife really is delightful. She does not behave disrespectfully towards me very often, and when she does and I point it out we resolve it and move on very quickly. 

There was only one period in our marriage - about two years - where I did not assert myself and she did slowly get more aggressive. 








SadSamIAm said:


> Yardman ... we have two girls and a boy.
> 
> The problem we have is with Jekyll and Hyde and with hypocrisy.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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