# Question for MEN



## ashley-renea (Feb 26, 2010)

Once a man says his not happy IS THERE away to FIX it or is that he FINAL words to let you know his done??


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

ashley-renea said:


> Once a man says his not happy IS THERE away to FIX it or is that he FINAL words to let you know his done??


Ask him!
Not kidding. Simply stating he's not happy seems an open door to me.
Ask him what's missing. Tell him you're committed to his happiness.

The final word is, when he leaves. If he/she is still there and there is any mutual willingness, there is a chance.

Fyi (I am a man)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ashley-renea (Feb 26, 2010)

63Vino said:


> Ask him!
> Not kidding. Simply stating he's not happy seems an open door to me.
> Ask him what's missing. Tell him you're committed to his happiness.
> 
> ...





Only thing I can get out of him is a "I dont know" all day everyday thats all he says...Should I make him TALK or WALK because I cant live with these IDK's everyday...I have even asked "well when will u know because I cant do this much longer" and I still get an IDK...


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

ashley-renea said:


> Only thing I can get out of him is a "I dont know" all day everyday thats all he says...Should I make him TALK or WALK because I cant live with these IDK's everyday...I have even asked "well when will u know because I cant do this much longer" and I still get an IDK...


Ask if he is willing to find out what he wants or is missing.
Don't want to scare you but this could be code for girlfriend.

Don't fixate on that or anything else. See if he's willing to get to counseling.
A therapist is trained to help draw out what it is.
If he refuses that then it may be time to get more serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ashley-renea (Feb 26, 2010)

63Vino said:


> Ask if he is willing to find out what he wants or is missing.
> Don't want to scare you but this could be code for girlfriend.
> 
> Don't fixate on that or anything else. See if he's willing to get to counseling.
> ...


I thought the same thing "another girl" but after a FULL investagation I found NOTHING and NO SIGNS that point to that...I am SOOOO confused...Thank you VERY much


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

ashley-renea said:


> I thought the same thing "another girl" but after a FULL investagation I found NOTHING and NO SIGNS that point to that...I am SOOOO confused...Thank you VERY much


If that's true then you have a good chance. We (men) are not good at the emotional/relationship stuff so much.
He could simply be pondering, contemplating.

Give him more of what makes him smile in return for him opening up.


Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## grrrrr (Sep 16, 2009)

It depends on the guy. Are you living together? How long have you been in a relationship?

If he lives by himself and depending on the length of the relationship I could see him just being done. 

Has he seemed disconnected or bored lately? If he isn't fully engaged, then he is generally out.

I am married, so I have different outlook on my relationship. I am in it for the long haul.

However, before I was in this relationship I could stay or go. Sometimes I just hung out until I was 100% done. 

Asking is a great idea, just don't expect prince charming to come out of this conversation.

Is he someone you want to be with now, or long term? 

Good luck and I hope it works out the way you want. I knew in past relationships that I was not meant to spend my life with them, but the time with them was good!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he's not happy, then it is something you can both work on. If he doesn't know, working together with a counselor is a good idea. He may truly NOT know, or he may just fear admitting it--whatever it is. Lay it on the line for him, tell him that b/c you love him, you can take anything he needs or wants to tell you--no matter how much it hurts--and you will not go postal or suicidal. (Of course, if you have a history of acting out, raging, whatever, then don't say it b'c he'd have no reason to believe you). Then, be prepared--what if he realizes he is gay? What if he says he's having an affair, or has fallen in love with someone else? Just be prepared to deal with it--are you in this and committed, no matter what? Will you leave if certain things happen? You have the right to respond in your own best interest--just don't punish him for telling you; you promised not to. If he still says IDK, it's time for counseling for sure or you should separate. He either figures it out or you will be disconnecting and learning to be happy without him, b/c you are right, it isn't going to work for you to be held in limbo forever. You decide how long is long enough, how much more of your life is he worth waiting for? Only you can answer that, but if you do separate, then start moving on, emotionally, b/c there is no knowing if he'll ever come back. If he does, and you are still willing to try, great; if not, if you've disconnected and are no longer interested, that's great, too. The bottom line is, you both have to be in the relationship at the same time and right now he's not, so he has to decide to get back in it, or let go, and perhaps lose you in the process. That's his choice to make; your have the right to choose whether or not you want to stay in it or not, too. Good luck.


----------



## ashley-renea (Feb 26, 2010)

grrrrr said:


> It depends on the guy. Are you living together? How long have you been in a relationship?
> 
> If he lives by himself and depending on the length of the relationship I could see him just being done.
> 
> ...


We are in it for the long haul...well I am...we have been together for 10yrs...living together for 7 married for 4 1/2 and have a two year old...almost 3...Yes we live together...thank you SOO much for your advice


----------



## Asmarino (Aug 20, 2010)

There is something that makes him unhappy. He doesn't want to tell you for fear of your reaction to the situation. Be prepared to know something serious to hear one day (he might have a child from another girl or something of similar nature). 

Assure him that you will not be judjemental (and will work to solve the problem no matter what) and do this by not by telling but show him you are not judjemental. It would be a good idea if you raise the discussion in a relaxed mood in your free time when both of you are alone (I prefer over a bottle of wine as alcohol decreases our inhibition or following a good sex depending on his personal preference).


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I'm not happy" means lots of different things. Sometimes it means exactly what it says. Other times, it's code for "I've found someone else." I listen to what people say but I really pay more attention to what they do. The best way to know if he's willing to work on things is to ask him to explain what he's unhappy about and how you can help him be happier. If you get nothing in response or half-baked, uncommitted, vague responses, he wants out. Could be because he's unhappy with you and it could also be that he's found something elsewhere that captured his attention. 
In short, "I'm unhappy", combined with an action plan looks like someone willing to make some repairs. The same words without an action plan shows little motivation to work on the relationship.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here's another theory, but first, I must ask a question: What is his age?
I am sort of going thru something similar. I'm late 30's, and I have been feeling unhappy more frequently in the past few yrs, but it has nothing to do with my wife, daughter, job, etc.
It's just that I miss that excitement that one feels when they're younger. As we get older, we get jaded, and nothing excites us anymore the way it used to. Remember how you felt about Christmas as a kid? Christmas was a magical, glorious, be-all and end-all to childhood. It was almost an inalienable right to be happy and excited when you saw the first decorations go up. But now that you're older, Christmas is just another holiday complete with hassles, obligations and having to see relatives you aren't particularly fond of.
"I'm not happy" may very well be code for "I've found someone else", and yes, that is a strong possibility here, but it may also be code for "I wish something could excite me again". He may simply be in a funk, and be looking for something, and not necessarily someone, new.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

for me (man) when i am unhappy its because our sex life is nil, nada, not even on the radar. when we manage to find the time and it happens on a regular basis i am a completely different person.

so, how are things in the intimacy dept?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

F102, You know, I hadn't considered that, but you're absolutely right. Could be related to a midlife crisis. At some point, I think everyone gets slapped in the face with their own mortality. The OP's avatar looks so young, I assumed her husband was, too.


----------



## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> for me (man) when i am unhappy its because our sex life is nil, nada, not even on the radar. when we manage to find the time and it happens on a regular basis i am a completely different person.
> 
> so, how are things in the intimacy dept?


This is one biggie. Another biggie is if you get so caught up with kids, and everything else that you kinda forget hubby. You may think "hubby is a big boy and can take care of himself" but hubby didn't get married to be alone. Feeling ignored, not respected, nagged, not valued, etc for an extended period of time will make a man feel he's had enough.

The problem with us men is we are naturally fixer types. If he won't tell you whats wrong, try to think back and remember some things he's done that may have been to try to "fix" things, that you may have missed. If he was missing your attention he may have tried to do some things to help you our, or dinners, etc. Or some things to try to get you to notice him.

Or.... It could be a mid life crisis.

but yea, most problems in marriage for men boil down to sex and intimacy issues.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He has lost passion, and he is not sure how to get it back or if he can get it back. He's looking for something to spark that fire again.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Why I'm not happy*

I'm not happy with my wife because

1. Her work is more important to her than I am, she'd be happier working late than coming home.

2. Her parents are more important to her than I am.

3. She is always late. 

4. Her libido is in the toilet.

5. Her words say sweet things, speak of love, but actions don't match words.

6. We haven't had intercourse in years, she giveS me BJs but I don't find a BJ as intimate as real sex. Ask Bill Clinton if you doubt me.

7. She'd rather spend time playing computer games or responding to tons of useless emails every day. I'm way lower than #5 on her interests.

8. She and her mom talk for hours daily, the discussions run all evening long, interfere with what should be quality time.

I could go on, it all comes down to having too many interests she puts ahead of me. I think we males are far simpler than females, many of us want our wives to value us, love us, provide sex and affection. In return we care for them, fix things, provide sex and affection.

If we didn't have the residue of 20+ years together I'd be out of here tomorrow, as it is I may never return to our house after a long vacation on the west coast. I am so glad we don't have children together.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How did you let it get this way?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Conrad said:


> How did you let it get this way?


Conrad,

A large part of my accepting wife's behavior is she was dx'd with breast cancer over seven years ago. She had surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. The latter caused chemo-fog, I think her IQ is down to the 120-130 range (originally > 140) and has increased her self centered behavior. She has shown no signs of recurrence and will probably outlive me. I still love and care for her, the issue is that I will not live my life now that I'm over 60 dealing with her "rules". 

Additionally I was tired - until Sept 2009 I was working 6 day weeks at a high tech firm, on call 7*24 and dealing with a chronic neurological disease. Because of this I was fatigued most of the time these past few years. The good news is years of work have left me in an enviable position as a retiree.

The disease is still with me, a newly released drug has given me additional energy & more mental strength.

I've stopped putting up with BS from a contractor, from one so called friend who despite my explicit request shared information with his wife, and my wife, I've decided to fulfill some long held dreams. As I write a lease for a new apartment in SF sits on my printer, I have reservations to travel 1st class to the coast next month.

This morning I was pleased to open an email from my son in SF. He wants to look out for me & take care of me, this is a wonderful return of my love and caring. I didn't expect this, but I am smiling.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TTM,

Sounds like sympathy for the illness turned you into "Mr. Nice Guy."

What happens when you express your feelings to her?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I've always been a nice guy, even with my first borderline personality disorder wife.

Since I've been expressing my needs very explicitly W has recently understood how serious I am. She will be with me for the 1st third of my western trip, knows I'll be seeking companionship and understands, even told me to look locally. I won't, can't see where starting something in CT would be fair to anyone. In the meantime she is trying to make our time together more pleasant for me.





Conrad said:


> TTM,
> 
> Sounds like sympathy for the illness turned you into "Mr. Nice Guy."
> 
> What happens when you express your feelings to her?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> I've always been a nice guy, even with my first borderline personality disorder wife.
> 
> Since I've been expressing my needs very explicitly W has recently understood how serious I am. She will be with me for the 1st third of my western trip, knows I'll be seeking companionship and understands, even told me to look locally. I won't, can't see where starting something in CT would be fair to anyone. In the meantime she is trying to make our time together more pleasant for me.


She's telling you to seek partners other than her for physical affection?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Physical and emotional affection and contact - Yes. She sees the gaps her withdrawal has created in my life and wants it filled.



Conrad said:


> She's telling you to seek partners other than her for physical affection?


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like she's planning a trip of her own-she's headed for the big D and it ain't Dallas!
And that "enviable position"-she'll be down on that like a buzzard on a Civil War field hospital!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> Physical and emotional affection and contact - Yes. She sees the gaps her withdrawal has created in my life and wants it filled.


But, she doesn't see a role for herself in filling them?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

She's trying, but depression, meds, menopause, have physically limited her, emotionally her OCD and childhood issues have a larger and larger impact on her actions. 

I've said elsewhere that problems slightly visible when two people get together get worse not better with time, this is definitely the case with us.



Conrad said:


> But, she doesn't see a role for herself in filling them?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> She's trying, but depression, meds, menopause, have physically limited her, emotionally her OCD and childhood issues have a larger and larger impact on her actions.
> 
> I've said elsewhere that problems slightly visible when two people get together get worse not better with time, this is definitely the case with us.


Has she been to therapy?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

No, I'm not sure why, and aren't pushing her to go. I tried and did not succeed earlier. Her call.

I'm seeing a LMFT, talking to wise friends, and thinking way too much.


Conrad said:


> Has she been to therapy?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I complained to mine about the absence of sex for the past 2-3 months and was told "either you love someone or you don't", basically inferring that if I love her, I should accept everything, tolerate everything, and expect nothing. WHAT??????????????????
Well, now that the rules of the game are clear, the pressure is off.
After the exchange of rings, I don't have to do a damned thing other than what I want to do. After I am hired on a job, I don't have to show up on time or produce anything of value. I've been going about this business entirely wrong. I foolishly believed things were expected of me and if I failed to produce, it would adversely impact her feelings toward me. I was wrong. I'm going fishing and getting drunk because all the pressure is off!!! Yeah!!!!


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I complained to mine about the absence of sex for the past 2-3 months and was told "either you love someone or you don't", basically inferring that if I love her, I should accept everything, tolerate everything, and expect nothing. WHAT??????????????????
> Well, now that the rules of the game are clear, the pressure is off.
> After the exchange of rings, I don't have to do a damned thing other than what I want to do. After I am hired on a job, I don't have to show up on time or produce anything of value. I've been going about this business entirely wrong. I foolishly believed things were expected of me and if I failed to produce, it would adversely impact her feelings toward me. I was wrong. I'm going fishing and getting drunk because all the pressure is off!!! Yeah!!!!


Absolutely, said as if I've had several vodka martinis in the last 30 minutes.

But, I'm not sure a lot of rabbis would agree with you or a theoretically drunken me.

Something about not having consummated the marriage since 2008/9 violates a few of "the laws of Moses and the people Israel" - this is the key sentence in Jewish weddings, spoken during the ceremony. I haven't checked the Ketubah (written contract) lately, am pretty sure it is in there.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And, when confronted, she's simply "ok" with this?

Does she even apologize?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Conrad said:


> And, when confronted, she's simply "ok" with this?
> 
> Does she even apologize?


She apologizes, tells me how much she loves me, but this doesn't get it done.

In my opinion actions speak far louder than words, and she isn't trying. I'm tired of her complete lack of passion except for Mad Men and her job. I didn't sign up for the job of knight on horseback when we met, in fact, explicitly turned it down. I've given and given and given and aside from a very emotional evening in late September, she has retreated.

She can come back to CT, I hope her computer keeps her warm at night. 

I know I'm angry, reading this I see just how angry I am.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> She apologizes, tells me how much she loves me, but this doesn't get it done.
> 
> In my opinion actions speak far louder than words, and she isn't trying. I'm tired of her complete lack of passion except for Mad Men and her job. I didn't sign up for the job of knight on horseback when we met, in fact, explicitly turned it down. I've given and given and given and aside from a very emotional evening in late September, she has retreated.
> 
> ...


Is it possible to set the anger aside - to "bracket it"?


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Is it possible to set the anger aside - to "bracket it"?


I've tried, yet every day I'm here in CT there are new reasons, minor aggravations and continued distance on her part. If I was still in love, I could let these go, I'm not.

I've been too much of a nice guy and I'm paying the price.

I don't see a future with her, feel angry at myself because I keep thinking there might be one, then I'm reminded of Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.


----------

