# W...T...F....A new low in self awareness



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

My STBXW walked out one day about 5 months ago, needing to find herself. Walked out on me, our 16 YO boy and 14 YO girl. Lives 1/2 hour away with her sister. She helps out with logistics; getting the kids from place to place, etc. But, her logic is, "we all didn't communicate much when I lived at home, so what difference does it make if I moved out."

With that background, we had a parent teacher conference today. Our 14 year old, in the last year of middle school, who has always been a star student, with all As and Bs, is failing three of her six classes. Failing and unmotivated.

My STBX's explanation of the problem? "I think that she doesn't want to be in honors classes next year and is afraid to tell us that. So, she's subconsciously sabotaging herself."

Really? REALLY? You can't think of ANY other possible reason why she might be suddenly struggling in school? No other element of stability that might have been yanked from her life with no warning?

I'm not blaming her for my daughter's problems. We're all part of the problem. But, to not even recognize the obvious connection is stunning. I said something to her as we were walking out, and she said, "no, I don't think that's it. I think she just is getting lazy for next year."

ARGGGGGHHHHH!


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

No guilt for her then, she knows why this is happening dont waste your breath trying to make her acknowledge something she caused. Focus on your daughter bribe her with promises of gifts etc if she raises her grades. She sounds as bright as a star so she will make it no matter what. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

have u thought about counselling for her?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

papa5280 said:


> With that background, we had a parent teacher conference today. Our 14 year old, in the last year of middle school, who has always been a star student, with all As and Bs, is failing three of her six classes. Failing and unmotivated.
> 
> My STBX's explanation of the problem? "I think that she doesn't want to be in honors classes next year and is afraid to tell us that. So, she's subconsciously sabotaging herself."
> 
> ...


I am right there with you! My H doesn't get it either. He also walked out. I had to put one of my kids on anti-depressants/ anxiety meds and he asked what caused it!!?  
So blind to what they have caused by not appearing to work on the marriage. 

Speaking from a different perspective talk to the school's counselor and her teachers. Let them know what she is going through. Some schools have groups and sometimes teachers will work with her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, your daughter needs someone to talk to besides her parents. She could be scared of going into HS. She could be scarred of her mom's leaving (which is highly likely). HOWEVER, your daughter needs to learn that sometimes, life sucks. We have to pick ourselves up and move forward and do right by ourselves. Perfect learning opportunity. I have been there. My daughter was 11 when she decided to move in with me full time because her dad was a deadbeat (wasn't always the case). Even though it was her choice, she was heartbroken as we always split time with her in the week. She was failing 3 classes (6th grade) and not doing well with friends, etc. I sat her down and talked to her about things. My overall theme was, _"Yes, this sucks. Yes, your dad let you down. Yes, you are allowed to be angry, sad, glad to be here, happy to be away from him, whatever. But...life throws curves and we have to adapt. We have to carry on. We have to do right by ourselves."_ Basically the same thing my mom told me when my dad left. Worked well. I did right by myself.

She's now ending 7th grade on principal's honor roll and in honor's courses.

I don't doubt your stbxw's leaving didn't throw a wrench in the gears, BUT, your daughter has to find the strength to move forward AND know it was NOT her fault.

ANY mother who would abandon her children is just worth dirt to me. Fathers too, but it takes a low life woman to leave her kids.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But talk to your daughter. She's perfect age for a lot of acting out. Boys will enter the picture soon (if they haven't already) and you don't want her to go looking for love that way.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I talked with D last night. She seemed absolutely and genuinely puzzled by the notion that she was sabotaging her grades in order to be placed lower in HS classes. She is still excited about the advanced classes that she is in line for, but a little nervous about time management in HS. I'm working with her on that balancing act.

Since W left, D has been latchkey, and she acknowledged that she hasn't been self-disciplined in doing her homework by herself. She and I committed to each other that we would review her work each night when I get home, before TV or games. 

I'm pretty sure the teachers are aware of our domestic situation, but I'll send an email to her adviser to make sure she knows. The teachers recommended that D goes to some before and after school office hours that they run. Need to coordinate with the neighbor who drives D to and from school (we live 3 miles from school, but it's not our home school, so there's no bus service available. Neighbor has driven D for 2 years).

We've got a therapist who has done IC for me, MC with me and W, and FC with various combinations of our family. D HATES counseling, and wouldn't be open to going to her own. The only way I've been able to get her to go with me was to posture it as "I'm working on me, and having your perspective there would really help me."

Her favorite activity is competitive soccer. Her first spring game is next Saturday (8 days from now). For a kick in the pants, a couple of days ago, I told her that she needs to bring up her failing grades substantially, or she won't play that game. That seemed to get her attention. I'm playing good cop and bad cop at the same time...nurturing dad who she can talk with and disciplinarian dad. I'm hoping the combination will help.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

UGH i'm so sorry Papa, that IS a new low...how can people drift through life so selfishly?? you just want Dr. Phil or someone to scream at them to WAKE THE F UP!!

anyway, luckily your kids have you for a father. keep your chin up.
i like that explanation of getting her to therapy! very smart!


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