# should i leave



## ARIANAUBIN (Dec 3, 2011)

sorry for it being so long 

hey i am 25 years old and so is my hubby we are married 4 years and have 3 kids we are from NYC and moved out to the middle of nowhere 8 hours away pa/ohio boarder (his father brought us a house fully paid off for wedding present he died of cancer and his only relative alive is his sister and she lives out here) we been here for 3 years and the only job he can find is at walmart overnight stocker and i am a sahm he has told me 10x+ that he loves me but isnt in love with me i ask him if he wants to have a separation he says he doesnt know he has told me 4x that he wants a divorce but doesnt want to leave due to the kids recently his friends grandfather died and he wanted to go to ny to pay respects we didnt have the money due to christmas shopping but he went anyway and he took some random girl he works with with him he knew i was pissed and i asked him how would he like if i went out to nyc with some random guy you dont know and he says he wouldnt care he came home today and the kids havent seen him in 3 days and he went straight to the comp to play video games i told hime that and he got mad and turn off the comp and went up to bed to sleep (he has work tonight) also i asked him on a scale of 1-10 how did you like not being with me and he said over 5 any advice 

thank you 
arianaubin


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## MickeyMyles (Dec 3, 2011)

"he loves me but isnt in love with me "

That is a serious problem. Did you ask him at which point during the marriage he felt that he was no longer in love with you? What brought him to that point? Did he explain?


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## ARIANAUBIN (Dec 3, 2011)

it was at differ points the 1st time was in dec he told me he loved me but wasnt in love with me the next year around march and forgot the 3rd time but the last time was honestly this jan of this year 2 days before i was going into the hospital to give birth to our 3rd child (had a c section)
{with the girl from his job} he left wed of this week and came back today (sat) 
he says he doesnt know and hes not sure of anything we have had numerous convos about how/why he feel how he does and its always i dont know 

i founds him talking to his exs on the comp which it wouldnt of bothered me if he had told me and what i found from one of them really bothered me it was a song he sent to one of them telling her that hes not over her yet and that he hopes that he finds someone like her shouldnt he be over everyone we been together for 7 years and married 4?
thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think that your husband is having an affair with the girl from work?

When you say leave, do you mean with or without your children?

Do you have a job? Can you support yourself and your children? 

Where would you go if you left?

These are all things you need to consider.

Your husband's behavior in the way he is treating you and his interactions with other women is out of line. He's basically cheating on you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Random girls from work don't go to funerals with people. Gris who you are having a relationship wth go,

I'm sorry but it completely sounds like he is cheatng.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHouseWife (Oct 24, 2011)

sounds like cheating to me also


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont seem to have much choice. He is unlikely to divorce you, but apparently he is getting what he needs elsewhere. You must try harder to give it him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

accept said:


> You dont seem to have much choice. He is unlikely to divorce you, but apparently he is getting what he needs elsewhere. You must try harder to give it him.


ARIANAUBIN is not exactly getting what she needs either.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Its a vicious circle. I think she is the one who has to break it, since she is the one complaining and has the most to gain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

accept said:


> Its a vicious circle. I think she is the one who has to break it, since she is the one complaining and has the most to gain.


I agree that someone has to break the vicious cycle. He's not going to. She still cares enough so it is she who will have to do it. You are right. And it has to be done in a smart way.

With children, divorce is a hard thing. It usually causes more problems, does not solve much really.


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## ARIANAUBIN (Dec 3, 2011)

it would be with the kids he has tolds me if i wanted i would be able to move to back to NYC but i decided against that even though i have no friends here i would want him to be apart of our kids lives. I am a sahm since we moved out here i would be able to support myself and he wouldnt be able to support himself we do have a ncie sized spare room(A size od a nice apt) we were think about making it into just that an apt for him and i live with the kids in the main house or or trying out that separated but living together idea i heard about from various sources anyone try that any ideas


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## ARIANAUBIN (Dec 3, 2011)

forgot to address the cheating before we got married and were still fresh in our dating i had told him if he has ever cheated on me that i would want him to tell me straight out and he promised he would also i dont think that he is inles its though the comp only due to he never goes out at weird times/pleace and all that and also he comes home from work on time 


he is big into the comp video games sometimes it feels like he loves that more then me and the kids for instance if i ask him to stay up for x amount of time he will tell me he wont cause hes tired bu t if hes on the game he will stay on way past the time i asked for inless i say something then he will get mad and turn it off and go to bed or if i am taking a shower and i forget to lock the fridge i will come down and the kids will be covered in ice cream and i will yell and he tells me i didnt see them meanwhile they are sitting at his feet he will tell me sorry and i just get more mad at him and tell him not to tell me that cause its the same thing over and over
sorry for the rant there


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

He may or may not be having an affair but I wanted to point out some things 

1.) He doesn't have to go out at odd times and come home late if the person he is having an affair with works with him. 

2.) He may only be have a EA at this point in time and not even realize that is what it is. Lots of people do not realize the damage this does. 

As well, he may have promised you he would tell you if he had an affair but do you make it clear what the consequences are. If you said you would kick him out if he did, then he may be more hesitant to tell you. If you say we will work it out, he may figure you a pushover. So in reality he isn't going to tell you no matter what you thought you decided at the beginning of the relationship.

As far as his computer game, it can be a type of addiction. Addictions take their toll on couples no matter the type.

I would also ask if this girl he went with to NYC plays his game with him online? Are they chatting away and you not realize it?


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## ARIANAUBIN (Dec 3, 2011)

yea he is addicted i have talked to him about it but he wont do anything about it just does the i am sorry bit and it goes right back to how it was as far as her playing the game i am 95% positive that she doesnt i get kind of bored and look over his shoulder when he plays or if he goes to the bathroom i will browse though the messages (the game saves every convo when you talk to someone and you are able to retrieve it) 


sry i am not good with a lot of abbreviations whats a ea


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

EA = Emotional effair.

even if your H isn't having one, it is NOT normal for a married man with kids to go to NYC with another woman if his wife doesn't like the idea.

he sounds like a self centered H & father (computer games instead of spending time with kids after his trip).

Alo, he has told REPEATEDLY where he stands on the relationship "I love you, but not in love with you" nonsense, so if I was you I would start seriously considering an exit strategy from your marriage. sit down, talk it out, even if it's with a counsellor, but this situation seems really emotionally unheathy for you & your kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want a divorce you really do not need to leave. See an attorney. You can most likely qualify for lega aid. Since you will have the children, you can ask the court to have him leave. If there is a seperate place on your property where he can live, he could move there now... with the sipulation that he not bring any females to the place.


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## ARIANAUBIN (Dec 3, 2011)

thank you i have told him that this circle is 10x worse for me then either him being a man and tell me that he wants a divorce or him telling me that he wants to meet me in the middle and change a little and that he needs to make a decision this week. Wed he goes to to a counselor and i have asked him when he goes there to please talk about what he want and come home with an ans so that is in 2 more day 

he has told me numerous times he wants to work it out but honestly i really dont see him changing we are adults and we are set in our ways from my experience i never need an adult change

elegirl i dont want one if we can work it out or if there is some way that we can fix it 
and i dont think id be able to stay in the house with the kids and have him leave i would need a new place without memories to be able to get though it


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