# Dating someone with BPD



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

So I met this girl back in August and I was freshly out of a divorce. I met her at a time where I thought my life was over and I can honestly say she literally changed my life. She was everything I ever wanted and it was almost too good to be true... and then it was. She kept getting mad over small things and flipping and overreacting even to the point where she would block me and refuse to speak to me. I kind of sensed there was more to why she was that way so I just stayed my distance and let her know I was there and cared for her and if she was ready to talk I was ready to be there for her. She ended up in another relationship that didn't last very long and not long after it ended she came back into my life. This time around we lasted longer than before and I popped the question and she said yes. Everything was great at this point we were promising to never leave each other, going on trips together, talking about moving in with one another and stuff. Then her old personality came back... 

She told me when we first started dating she had been through a lot with relationships and had abandonment issues. I know her kids father left her when he found out she was pregnant and she had to go through the entire thing alone and she has done extremely well as a mother and a provider, but I could tell what that was doing to her and I stepped in and played the role while we were together. She told me there will be points where she is distant, moody, grouchy, and all these other things and when that happens just deal with it and understand it's part of her personality and not to be offended. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and she kept reassuring me (but in a mean way) it was nothing I did but just her dealing with her own mind. She sees a therapist for mental health issues and stuff and I know they are constantly switching her medication around. Right now she isn't taking her meds from what I understand and it's caused a huge lapse in her personality. Despite all of this, I love this woman and I'm willing to work toward anything that means necessary to make our relationship work. 

Last week, I gave into the pressure and broke things off with her after a few of her mood swings and some things she had done on social media that made me feel like she just didn't want to be with me. I had convinced myself that she wanted to end things but she wanted me to do it this time so she didn't have to feel bad because she knows I had been good to her so she didn't want to break my heart. I ended things and ignored her on social media and she did something she has never done before and that's texted me (she and I always text through Facebook). She started asking me why and stuff and was extremely harsh with her words which I assumed to be because she was hurt. Once I saw that she really cared I told her we could talk things out and stuff she kept telling me she has trust issues and I just broke all of her trust and put her and her child into a position to get hurt by a man that considers walking away randomly an option when things aren't going perfect. 

I have tried giving her space and she told me we could work things out MAYBE if I could show her that she can trust me. She told me to keep my promises that I made to her which is that I would show her I was still here and keep helping her financially (it's hard for a single mom to do it on her own) and that we could maybe work things out. So Wednesday when I got paid I sent her the money for her bills like I had been previously doing and she thanked me and told me it was the first step in getting her to trust me again. She has rarely talked to me and has even been off social media a lot over the last 24 hours and it's making me wonder if she's testing the waters to see if anyone better tries to grab her attention. I have trust issues myself from being cheated on in my previous marriage and this woman is strongly against cheating but we technically aren't together right now although she has told me she's not sure whether this can be fixed or not. 

The last time we broke up things got extremely ugly (she left me) because she felt I was too dishonest and we stayed broke up longer than I wanted to. When we got back together she told me she appreciated the fact that no matter how hard she tried to push me away that I continued to try with her even though at the time she made me out to be some stalker that wouldn't leave her alone. I think she has two personalities but it's the disorder and not her that makes her that way... I've just never dated anyone like this and I'm needing tips on how to how to handle things. She doesn't like to "fix" problems by talking them out, she just wants to move forward from them and for me to show her that I'm here. The only thing I'm scared of is deep down she won't allow herself to trust me again and she is keeping me on the sideline until a new man comes along. 

Other than the breakup, I was extremely good to her. I was constantly reminding her how important she was to me, I cut her grass, kept her car cleaned, gave her a debit card to my account to pay bills with, took her anywhere she wanted to go, bonded with her child, told her she could quit her job and I would take care of her, gave her all my social media passwords, would hand her my phone anytime to show her I had nothing to hide. I wanted to gain her trust because I know deep down I would never hurt her but she's been hurt so many time it's like she is constantly testing me to see if I'll walk away. If she sees even a hint that I'm going to hurt her she bans me from her life. I know it sounds like a lot of work but I love this woman and I'm willing to put forth any effort to prove that to her. 

I'm sorry this was so long but if any of you all have any pointers or know anything about BPD and anxiety please let me know. 

Thank you and have a blessed day.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Yes, I was married to one.

My advice is RUN! You will never be happy with a woman like this and she'll eventually leave you...like she has multiple times. I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheated on you too.

Don't complicate your life with damaged women. There are so many beautiful and emotionally healthy women in the world. Move on and find one of those.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> The only thing I'm scared of is deep down she won't allow herself to trust me again and she is keeping me on the sideline until a new man comes along.


This is exactly what she's been doing to you all along.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Wait a second...I had to read this hot mess again.

You just met her in August and you got freshly divorced. Then you guys break up once and she dates someone else. Then a little while later you asked her to marry you?! Come on man!

It seems like you have a fear of being alone and you are latching on to the first woman you found, which happens to be a dumpster fire.

Why did your last marriage end? How old are you guys?


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I'm willing to put forth any effort to prove that to her.


Chances are, that's not a battle you will ever win. 

If you stay in this relationship the chances of it changing for the better are slim to none. I have seen people with BPD improve but it is a lifelong battle and something they have to want to work on. Just showing up to the therapist isn't enough and that is the ONLY real treatment. There are no medications that "fix" BPD - and even if there were, your GF won't take them or stay on them. 

I'm married to someone who has mental illness and she has a boatload of issues, but I can't tell you how thankful I am that BPD isn't one of them. 

You haven't even been with this woman for a year. Do you really want to be stuck with this situation for the rest of your life?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

What I gather from the whole thing is that you as an individual is also lacking something. I can't put my fingers on it exactly but, what so far I see is a man that lacks self confidence, a man that feels so desperate for love and companionship that is putting up with all kind of crap from a woman that has mental illness.

I wonder how old are you, just think about it, if you're at an age where you can procreate with this woman, how can you put yourself in such position where the changes of her procreating with you and bringing to this world another human being that might inherit her mental illness? have you thought about this at all (that's if you two are at an age where procreating could actually happens).

Why were you thinking that your life was over after the divorce? This in an indication of that something I can't put my finger on it about you. You need to explain better so we can gather a better picture of what's driving you to fall from the frying pan to the fire.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It seems like you are trying to be captain save a hoe. You are already being her man-slave, doing everything for her, following her around like a puppy dog, etc and she's causing you nothing but problems. My advice is to go 'no contact' and start living your life the way YOU want to live it and find someone else.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have the whole White Knight thing and you are making the biggest mistake of your life. 

The.Very.Biggest.

Read everything you can find about this and then decide if that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Openminded said:


> You have the whole White Knight thing and you are making the biggest mistake of your life.
> 
> The.Very.Biggest.
> 
> Read everything you can find about this and then decide if that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life.


I think that this goes beyond "white Knight syndrome" OP must likely has deep insecurities and XX??? things, affecting his life that is making him grab onto the first thing that comes alone and becoming depending of that person/relationship. he needs to explain better/more about himself.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Thanks for the replies. 

I am 32 years old and I was married 11 years. My marriage was the real dumpster fire. I have three kids with my ex and she really did a number on my emotional and physical health. She is no longer an issue though and has moved on with her life with the guy she cheated on me with and her and I do not contact each other unless it's an emergency with the children. The children are dropped off and picked up again at my mothers. 

The girl I'm seeing now or at least the one this post is about has trust issues and claims she cannot stand a cheater. When her and I first got engaged, it was all over social media and she talked about the wedding and our future plans a lot. After that it was like out of nowhere she just stopped wanting to talk about it and even took the engaged title off the top of her Facebook page. She said it was by accident but she never put it back on there and when I would try to talk to her about it she would get really snappy. It almost felt at times like she was using the fact that I cared to threaten me with leaving if I did something that she didn't like. 

I know this girl cared, but I think to what extent the allowed herself to care is what is in question here. She told me for the longest part that she was in love with me and stuff but the second I broke things off she told me "you're not the man I thought I loved". I told her you don't just get over someone like that and she said that you do when they randomly break up with you for no reason. When I gave her my reasons she told me I was making excuses to walk away because I was never serious to begin with and called me a bunch of names. I'm trying to tell myself that is the illness talking and not her, but I don't know. 

She hasn't been on social media a lot over the last couple of days and my fear is that she has someone else at her house or is seeing someone else testing the relationship and that's why she hasn't been checking her phone or anything. The only thing that makes me wonder is last time someone else was in the picture she completely blocked all contact with me. She hasn't blocked me on anything so far. 

The last time she walked out on me she eventually missed me and that was only after seeing her a couple of times. I think if she would actually walk out this time and get with someone else, they most likely wouldn't put in the type of effort I've made to make her happy and she would eventually see that. The issue is I can't keep putting life on hold for her to run trial and error to see what it really is she wants.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> She doesn't like to "fix" problems by talking them out, she just wants to move forward from them and for me to show her that I'm here.


This is what stood out the most to be in your post. In a relationship, you can't just gloss over problems and hope that they'll fix themselves; they won't. The problems will come up again and again, and get worse and worse if they aren't talked through. She needs to start using her words and talk things through with you. Healthy communication is SO important in a relationship. Also, if she wants you to show her that you're present, then she also needs to reciprocate that.

Personally, I think that this is too much drama, and I would be out the door. I certainly wouldn't be handing over money all willy nilly, I'd get that debit card back, and she can work too, you don't need to support someone who has one foot out the door almost all the time.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You went from one dumpster fire directly to another.

Stop blaming your ex for your emotional and physical health. That is your responsibility and your fault, no one else. Man up and take control of your life and your choices.

You probably got cheated on acting the way you act right now. Weak, man-servant, nice guy. Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy ASAP!

The new woman is a crazy person. Do you want to get cheated on again? Do you want another life of misery? Do you want another divorce? That is 100% where this will lead.

Who the hell cares what she's been doing on social media. You are broken up. You are starting to sound a little crazy-obsessive too. I think you should look into counseling and really determine why your last marriage went so wrong and why you are trying to get married to someone else so quickly, and especially someone who treats you like this.

And for the record, she ABSOLUTELY is with someone else. She only dumps you when she has the next guy lined up. She's probably not on facebook because he's ****ing her down good all day.

Don't you see the pattern? Never trust her words, only trust her actions.

Why do you want to be someone's second choice always?



The_Conspiracy said:


> I think if she would actually walk out this time and get with someone else, they most likely wouldn't put in the type of effort I've made to make her happy and she would eventually see that.


This is NOT how women operate. This will NOT happen.

She doesn't want a beta puppy dog like you, she wants a real man. She obviously is not attracted to you or sees you as the best option. If she did, none of this would be happening.

You need to cut out the weak, whiny, insecure you and become the confident, strong, self-reliant you.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@thunderchad, I,m sorry to say this about OP, but I think you nailed it. @The_Conspiracy, reread what @thunderchad wrote, and do whatever to get out of your old self. This is the driver that is taking you from bad to worse. You need to find a way to become a self assured, confident, assertive man that knows his worth, and is not willing to put with any crap any longer. Dude, manup.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You gave an unmedicated bipolar lady a debit card linked to your account? Seriously? 😳

It would be cheaper, less stress, and less drama to just pay an escort for a weekly visit 

I am not saying you can't have a good and loving relationship with a bipolar lady. But she needs to find a medication cocktail that works and stick to it. Also keep in mind that an untreated person with bipolar disorder can become physically violent


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> You went from one dumpster fire directly to another.
> 
> Stop blaming your ex for your emotional and physical health. That is your responsibility and your fault, no one else. Man up and take control of your life and your choices.
> 
> ...


Perhaps you are right. How do you think I should handle this situation? How should I go about talking to her from this point on?


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Perhaps you are right. How do you think I should handle this situation? How should I go about talking to her from this point on?


You don't. Get all financial ties closed ASAP and disappear. Get out, gone, as fast as you can.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

2&out said:


> You don't. Get all financial ties closed ASAP and disappear. Get out, gone, as fast as you can.


She closed the joint bank account minutes after I broke up with her.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

2&out said:


> You don't. Get all financial ties closed ASAP and disappear. Get out, gone, as fast as you can.


Correct!!! This is what you do. Period.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> She closed the joint bank account minutes after I broke up with her.


And where's your part of the money, if any from that account?


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Perhaps you are right. How do you think I should handle this situation? How should I go about talking to her from this point on?


You should go no contact and never talk to her again ever. Start working on yourself and living your life the way you want to live it.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Perhaps you are right. How do you think I should handle this situation? How should I go about talking to her from this point on?


If it were me, I would probably just move my stuff out of her place, and tell her goodbye and wish her well.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> She closed the joint bank account minutes after I broke up with her.


So, she closed you out of an account that also contains YOUR money? Nice, real nice. Small claims court might be an option, but if it were me, I'd be getting my money back, and be done with that immature little sonofagun.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> So I met this girl back in August and I was freshly out of a divorce. I met her at a time where I thought my life was over and I can honestly say she literally changed my life. She was everything I ever wanted and it was almost too good to be true... and then it was. She kept getting mad over small things and flipping and overreacting even to the point where she would block me and refuse to speak to me. I kind of sensed there was more to why she was that way so I just stayed my distance and let her know I was there and cared for her and if she was ready to talk I was ready to be there for her. She ended up in another relationship that didn't last very long and not long after it ended she came back into my life. This time around we lasted longer than before and I popped the question and she said yes. Everything was great at this point we were promising to never leave each other, going on trips together, talking about moving in with one another and stuff. Then her old personality came back...
> 
> She told me when we first started dating she had been through a lot with relationships and had abandonment issues. I know her kids father left her when he found out she was pregnant and she had to go through the entire thing alone and she has done extremely well as a mother and a provider, but I could tell what that was doing to her and I stepped in and played the role while we were together. She told me there will be points where she is distant, moody, grouchy, and all these other things and when that happens just deal with it and understand it's part of her personality and not to be offended. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and she kept reassuring me (but in a mean way) it was nothing I did but just her dealing with her own mind. She sees a therapist for mental health issues and stuff and I know they are constantly switching her medication around. Right now she isn't taking her meds from what I understand and it's caused a huge lapse in her personality. Despite all of this, I love this woman and I'm willing to work toward anything that means necessary to make our relationship work.
> 
> ...


I can't even read this entire thing. I had to stop at her placing all blame on you. Stop letting her walk all over you and then blaming you for having feelings about it. Trust me - I know what this is like. My husband is the same exact way. How do I deal with it? I don't. I don't respond to his crap when he upsets me. When he's upset and wants affection - I will gladly give that to him but when he wants to fight - I just shut it off. If you love her and want to be with her, just tell her look, stop with the crap. 

I know it's easier said, than done.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This started eight months ago and you’re already this deep into drama? No.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I have tried giving her space and* she told me we could work things out MAYBE if I could show her that she can trust me*. She told me to keep my promises that I made to her which is that I would show her I was still here and keep helping her financially (it's hard for a single mom to do it on her own) and that we could maybe work things out. *So Wednesday when I got paid I sent her the money for her bills like I had been previously doing and she thanked me and told me it was the first step in getting her to trust me again.*


Y'know, I've been on this forum for over 11 years. Just when I'm finally convinced I've heard it all, something THIS outrageous gets posted. 

Yeah, keep sending her money and in time, with luck, she may trust you again. But it's going to cost you. Literally. smh


----------



## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> So I met this girl back in August and I was freshly out of a divorce. I met her at a time where I thought my life was over and I can honestly say she literally changed my life. She was everything I ever wanted and it was almost too good to be true... and then it was. She kept getting mad over small things and flipping and overreacting even to the point where she would block me and refuse to speak to me. I kind of sensed there was more to why she was that way so I just stayed my distance and let her know I was there and cared for her and if she was ready to talk I was ready to be there for her. She ended up in another relationship that didn't last very long and not long after it ended she came back into my life. This time around we lasted longer than before and I popped the question and she said yes. Everything was great at this point we were promising to never leave each other, going on trips together, talking about moving in with one another and stuff. Then her old personality came back...
> 
> She told me when we first started dating she had been through a lot with relationships and had abandonment issues. I know her kids father left her when he found out she was pregnant and she had to go through the entire thing alone and she has done extremely well as a mother and a provider, but I could tell what that was doing to her and I stepped in and played the role while we were together. She told me there will be points where she is distant, moody, grouchy, and all these other things and when that happens just deal with it and understand it's part of her personality and not to be offended. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and she kept reassuring me (but in a mean way) it was nothing I did but just her dealing with her own mind. She sees a therapist for mental health issues and stuff and I know they are constantly switching her medication around. Right now she isn't taking her meds from what I understand and it's caused a huge lapse in her personality. Despite all of this, I love this woman and I'm willing to work toward anything that means necessary to make our relationship work.
> 
> ...


Bro. You're in a real tough spot and I'm not sure what to tell you. Sorry revising my previous post since I misread a whole lot of things. I just realized you met her in August after a divorce. Even if the divorce is newly minted and you moved on, if you're getting these many issues already, in 8 months time, bro, it ain't getting better. You have 2 options; man up and own this, take back some dignity and stop paying for her things; or 2) bail. Stinks, but trust me, if you let this happen now, in a few years, or longer, if you're married, it will get worse. Trust me.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The_Conspiracy said:


> So I met this girl back in August and I was freshly out of a divorce. I met her at a time where I thought my life was over and I can honestly say she literally changed my life. She was everything I ever wanted and it was almost too good to be true... and then it was. She kept getting mad over small things and flipping and overreacting even to the point where she would block me and refuse to speak to me. I kind of sensed there was more to why she was that way so I just stayed my distance and let her know I was there and cared for her and if she was ready to talk I was ready to be there for her. She ended up in another relationship that didn't last very long and not long after it ended she came back into my life. This time around we lasted longer than before and I popped the question and she said yes. Everything was great at this point we were promising to never leave each other, going on trips together, talking about moving in with one another and stuff. Then her old personality came back...
> 
> She told me when we first started dating she had been through a lot with relationships and had abandonment issues. I know her kids father left her when he found out she was pregnant and she had to go through the entire thing alone and she has done extremely well as a mother and a provider, but I could tell what that was doing to her and I stepped in and played the role while we were together. She told me there will be points where she is distant, moody, grouchy, and all these other things and when that happens just deal with it and understand it's part of her personality and not to be offended. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and she kept reassuring me (but in a mean way) it was nothing I did but just her dealing with her own mind. She sees a therapist for mental health issues and stuff and I know they are constantly switching her medication around. Right now she isn't taking her meds from what I understand and it's caused a huge lapse in her personality. Despite all of this, I love this woman and I'm willing to work toward anything that means necessary to make our relationship work.
> 
> ...


You’re paying her bills. You’re mowing her grass, washing her car, being a complete and total simp. Now you want to know what you can do to satisfy HER trust requirements?

dude, that was hard to read. She must have a golden xxxxxx for you to be this blind to the fact that you are being used.

What is so bad about you that you don’t deserve a woman that treats YOU good?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Perhaps you are right. How do you think I should handle this situation? How should I go about talking to her from this point on?


Cancel the debit card. Look, I must be missing something, but sounds to me like you only know her through social media and already been sending her money. If that is true, this is nothing but a scam artist.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re paying her bills. You’re mowing her grass, washing her car, being a complete and total simp. Now you want to know what you can do to satisfy HER trust requirements?
> 
> dude, that was hard to read. She must have a golden xxxxxx for you to be this blind to the fact that you are being used.
> 
> What is so bad about you that you don’t deserve a woman that treats YOU good?


I hope he at least gets some crazy action for his efforts 🤣🤣


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

There is a lot in your post about what you do for her. 

I'm gently asking you to consider the answers to a few questions:

What does she do for you?

Do you think you deserve to be punished and in pain?

Do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar disorder? 

She sounds like a severe Borderline and if that is the case you are in for quite a painful relationship with her: projection of her negative emotions onto you (she is untrustworthy and therefore doesn't trust you), reality testing (pushing you away to see if you will chase her), explosive anger outbursts over relatively small/non offenses committed by you (or projected on to you because of her fear of abandonment), extremely high odds of her cheating on you by once again projecting her negative feelings of abandonment on to you, threats to harm herself to get her way with you and could even become physically violent with you or your children. Her being BPD doesn't guarantee all/any of this will happen...it does increase the odds significantly. I've been in a relationship with someone like you describe and it was awful.

My sister is Bi-Polar and how she behaves during a manic episode is beyond abhorrent it really screwed her daughter up. The depressive episodes aren't much better and like the woman you describe she also doesn't seem to think she needs to take her meds regularly.

Do yourself a favor leave this unsafe person and get into therapy to help you gain your self-esteem back. It may also help you figure out why you are willing to tolerate or think you deserve such pain and punishment. Your future self will thank you for doing so. I wish you the best of luck!


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

No, I had only saw her a few times in the prior relationship but this time around we have spent quite a bit of time together. We even have taken a few trips. She is mad at me for breaking up with her and assumes it was because there was another woman somewhere involved but it wasn't. She hid our relationship on social media so only I could see it and she kept acting distant towards me when I would see her and stuff. 

She stopped with the warm conversations and it turned into just direct and often rude straight forward responses. The account she closed out her and I opened together about a month or so ago. She keeps calling me a liar every time I try to explain to her that I broke up with her because it looked like she didn't want to be with me anymore. 

I texted her earlier and asked her what she wanted to do and she kept telling me when I decide I want to tell the truth about why I broke up with her then tell her but until then don't even bother responding. The thing is I AM TELLING THE DAMN TRUTH. She somehow thinks that I am blaming her for the break-up when I tell her why when in reality I'm just being honest. Now she's accusing me of begging her and telling her I'm annoying her and if I don't stop annoying her there will be no chance at all. "Keep your word" is what she tells me and respect what she wants, but every time I ask her if we can work this out or if she wants me out of her life she doesn't answer me. She only tells me she doesn't trust me. 

It's like she's convinced herself that I wanted to be with another woman and then 30 minutes later I changed my mind. This woman had every single one of my social media passwords and complete access to my phone. My profile picture was of her and I and her son. I'm not sure what exactly more I can do to get someone to trust me.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you still paying her bills?


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

SnakePlissken said:


> There is a lot in your post about what you do for her.
> 
> I'm gently asking you to consider the answers to a few questions:
> 
> ...


I have said from the beginning that she has multiple personalities. One of her personalities loves affection and wants to be cuddled and loved on and is very paranoid that I am going to leave her. The other one is hateful and rude and almost pushes me away just so she can say "I knew I couldn't trust you!" It's like pleasing two different people at once and you have to constantly guess on which one you are going to be around that day. I have given forth my best effort in everything she told me she wanted from day one. She said she wanted a man to support her and her baby and I did that. She said she wanted a man that only wants to be with her and show no attention at all to other woman and I did that. She said she wanted a man to spend time with her and commit to her which I did. Now suddenly I am whiny and a "little *****" as she called me. 

I don't know much about her diagnosis but I know she has alcoholism, depression, and bi-polar. I think she has several personalities. I haven't spoken with her therapist or anything but I definitely can see certain similarities and she told me she has abandonment issues that she sees a therapist for. The sad thing is she pushes me away in fear that I'm going to abandon her. Now how much sense does that make?


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you still paying her bills?


I gave her $400 on Friday for her truck payment out of our joint account. 

On Saturday I worked under the table and earned $250 cash and I gave that to her on Sunday. 

On Tuesday, when she closed our account, she withdrew $156 which was all that was in our joint account. 

Yesterday, I sent her $700. $250 was for bills and $450 was to reimburse her for a riding toy she bought her son and I paid her back for because I promised her and him I would buy it for him. 

I think that's a total of over $1,500 during the first week this month. I have pretty much given her her monthly income just the first week this month alone. She still thinks I should prove to her that I care about her. She claims "dangling money over hear head does nothing". 

I've done everything I know how to do. She just doesn't want to believe anything I say and is constantly accusing me of lying or being malicious.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I have said from the beginning that she has multiple personalities. One of her personalities loves affection and wants to be cuddled and loved on and is very paranoid that I am going to leave her. The other one is hateful and rude and almost pushes me away just so she can say "I knew I couldn't trust you!" It's like pleasing two different people at once and you have to constantly guess on which one you are going to be around that day. I have given forth my best effort in everything she told me she wanted from day one. She said she wanted a man to support her and her baby and I did that. She said she wanted a man that only wants to be with her and show no attention at all to other woman and I did that. She said she wanted a man to spend time with her and commit to her which I did. Now suddenly I am whiny and a "little ***" as she called me.
> 
> I don't know much about her diagnosis but I know she has alcoholism, depression, and bi-polar. I think she has several personalities. I haven't spoken with her therapist or anything but I definitely can see certain similarities and she told me she has abandonment issues that she sees a therapist for. The sad thing is she pushes me away in fear that I'm going to abandon her. Now how much sense does that make?


This is how someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) acts, not bipolar or dissociative identity disorder (DID, formerly multiple personalities disorder).


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

The last time I made her mad like this she stayed mad at me for five months. I'm not sure how long this one will last. I know that I'm at the point now where I just can't take this back and forth stuff. The woman she is when she's herself is amazing and it didn't take much for me to completely fall in love with her but when she transforms into this paranoid, angry person I just feel helpless and like nothing I do is right or appreciated. You'd think anyone with a set of eyes can see how hard I'm trying to be good to her and please her but all she sees is that I'm trying to hurt her. I don't know what to do.


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I have said from the beginning that she has multiple personalities. One of her personalities loves affection and wants to be cuddled and loved on and is very paranoid that I am going to leave her. The other one is hateful and rude and almost pushes me away just so she can say "I knew I couldn't trust you!" It's like pleasing two different people at once and you have to constantly guess on which one you are going to be around that day. I have given forth my best effort in everything she told me she wanted from day one. She said she wanted a man to support her and her baby and I did that. She said she wanted a man that only wants to be with her and show no attention at all to other woman and I did that. She said she wanted a man to spend time with her and commit to her which I did. Now suddenly I am whiny and a "little ***" as she called me.
> 
> I don't know much about her diagnosis but I know she has alcoholism, depression, and bi-polar. I think she has several personalities. I haven't spoken with her therapist or anything but I definitely can see certain similarities and she told me she has abandonment issues that she sees a therapist for. The sad thing is she pushes me away in fear that I'm going to abandon her. Now how much sense does that make?


I forgot to add idealization and discarding to the mix. You are an angel one minute and can be the devil the next. She sounds like she has very severe BPD and yes it is like one person that is multiple people. BPD is marked a very weak sense of self. The sad abandoned child that wants be hugged that turns into the cold protector that pushes you away because she feels smothered by you. The people-pleaser that mirrors what you like...that's how she hooked you in the beginning it is very manipulative. I bet she expects you to read her mind as well and doesn't communicate her real feelings to you. It's really confusing. The strange thing about BPD is that it causes behaviors that almost guarantee what people with BPD fear most...their favorite person abandoning them. 

You can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself and even then it will be very hard on both of you.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I know she has alcoholism, depression, and bi-polar.


YOU are posting here, she's not. So why are you with this little peach of a gal? 



The_Conspiracy said:


> You'd think anyone with a set of eyes can see how hard I'm trying to be good to her and please her but all she sees is that I'm trying to hurt her. I don't know what to do.


You are playing what we call around these parts the "Pick Me Dance." Women don't like men who try to win them over with the Nice Guy routine. And, no, we also don't like mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging troglodytes.

CARE TO TELL US WHY YOU ARE WITH A MENTALLY DISTRUBED ALCOHOLIC? How about you actually post one time and make it just about YOU. I've heard enough about her. And from where I'm sitting, she's a loser with a capital L. Seriously.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The_Conspiracy said:


> The woman she is when she's herself is amazing and it didn't take much for me to completely fall in love with her but when she transforms into this paranoid, angry person I just feel helpless and like nothing I do is right or appreciated.


She actually is BOTH people, if she's really bipolar like you say. You get the whole package. And, no, someone who's a hot dumpster fire like this woman isn't any prize. 

And, once again, I hear how amazing and fantastic and wonderful she is. I bet she even farts rainbows. But she actually IS an angry, paranoid person as well.

Get into some serious counseling to find out why you decided to get on this fun-house ride just after you got divorced. Perhaps take some time away from relationships and get to know YOURSELF.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

SnakePlissken said:


> I forgot to add idealization and discarding to the mix. You are an angel one minute and can be the devil the next. She sounds like she has very severe BPD and yes it is like one person that is multiple people. BPD is marked a very weak sense of self. The sad abandoned child that wants be hugged that turns into the cold protector that pushes you away because she feels smothered by you. The people-pleaser that mirrors what you like...that's how she hooked you in the beginning it is very manipulative. I bet she expects you to read her mind as well and doesn't communicate her real feelings to you. It's really confusing. The strange thing about BPD is that it causes behaviors that almost guarantee what people with BPD fear most...their favorite person abandoning them.
> 
> You can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself and even then it will be very hard on both of you.


What led to me breaking up with her is this. So when we first got engaged she told me her personality is up and down but when she stops taking medication or gets into one of those moods she calls it (which she's actually referring to a manic episode) she said "just don't leave whatever you do. Just deal with it. I won't leave you but please don't leave me". She guaranteed me that it had nothing to do with me and she just gets this way from time to time.... 

So when she turned into this other person I instantly felt like I had done something wrong. She would not spend time with me, her messages became shorter and more direct, "I love you babe" turned into "love u to" . Every time I'd ask her to communicate to me she'd snap at me. I felt like she just didn't want to be with me anymore. After I broke up with her, I didn't respond to her on social media and she started texting me. I kind of figured at that point that she cared but I had hurt her and I knew when you hurt this girl the dark side of her comes out and I was called everything but a child of GOD when she got through degrading me. 

She swore in October she was forever done with me and then after her next failed relationship she came back to me and talked about how different things were this time. She left me in September for "lying" in which I still don't understand what it was she thinks I lied about but anytime I would tell her anything I had to provide proof or she would make up some scenario in her mind that made me out to be this lying monster. I have learned to record my entire day now so she doesn't assume I'm cheating on her. 

I love this girl so much and I feel bad for her. I know guys have left her over this because their sanity meant more to them than she did and I wanted so badly to be the one guy that stayed but it's like she pushes you out the door and then accuses you of never caring about her to begin with. She's truly self destructive.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you want to spend years dealing with this mess and stress? If not then leave. 
She wants you for the money and security. That's all.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> She actually is BOTH people, if she's really bipolar like you say. You get the whole package. And, no, someone who's a hot dumpster fire like this woman isn't any prize.
> 
> And, once again, I hear how amazing and fantastic and wonderful she is. I bet she even farts rainbows. But she actually IS an angry, paranoid person as well.
> 
> Get into some serious counseling to find out why you decided to get on this fun-house ride just after you got divorced. Perhaps take some time away from relationships and get to know YOURSELF.


Because before I got to know the woman that is paranoid and delusional I got to know the woman that wasn't. This girl really grabbed my attention like no one else has. My marriage was a nightmare. I was cheated on three different times and my own children was used and manipulated so she wouldn't get caught. I spent some time alone. I admittedly have this thing where I can't be alone. I guess all the years of being degraded by my wife gave me low self esteem but I truly did fall in love with this new girl and I want somehow to be here for her but she won't allow me to be.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Do you want to spend years dealing with this mess and stress? If not then leave.
> She wants you for the money and security. That's all.


She had no idea I make the money that I make when she came back into my life. I've tried being good to her but it's like she has a personality that won't allow me to be. I wonder if she will ever look back and realize that she pushed away someone who spent almost a year trying to prove himself to her and no matter what I did it wasn't good enough.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Because before I got to know the woman that is paranoid and delusional I got to know the woman that wasn't. This girl really grabbed my attention like no one else has. My marriage was a nightmare. I was cheated on three different times and my own children was used and manipulated so she wouldn't get caught. I spent some time alone. I admittedly have this thing where I can't be alone. I guess all the years of being degraded by my wife gave me low self esteem but I truly did fall in love with this new girl and I want somehow to be here for her but she won't allow me to be.


You have to learn to be ok alone. You jumped far too soon into another relationship anyway and you are now in a very messed up relationship that is unlikely to change. 
You say she has multiple personalities. Who told you that, her? Has it been properly diagnosed? Do you know the cause of them? People with multiple personalities have usually been through the most appalling trauma often in childhood. You haven't mentioned anything like that.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> She had no idea I make the money that I make when she came back into my life. I've tried being good to her but it's like she has a personality that won't allow me to be. I wonder if she will ever look back and realize that she pushed away someone who spent almost a year trying to prove himself to her and no matter what I did it wasn't good enough.


It will never be good enough.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I admittedly have this thing where I can't be alone. I guess all the years of being degraded by my wife gave me low self esteem ...


You need to figure out why you can't be alone. And, no, your wife is not responsible for your lack of self-esteem. You own your feelings/emotions. And, as an adult, you can choose to feel however you want. Nobody has the power to make you feel anything. 

Giving this woman $$ is pathetic. You are needy. Sorry, but I'm telling it to you straight as a woman.



The_Conspiracy said:


> ...but I truly did fall in love with this new girl and I want somehow to be here for her but she won't allow me to be.


This isn't love. Not by a long shot. This is what happens when a codependent enabler like you hooks up with a user and taker like her. 

Okay. Win her back. Marry her. Pledge undying love. All fine by me. But you'll be back here in a couple years when the ride on the crazy train drives you over the edge. Yeah, an alcoholic is just so wonderful to live with. Stable. Kind. Empathetic. Ask me how I know.

See professional help. Now.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I love this girl so much and I feel bad for her. I know guys have left her over this because their sanity meant more to them than she did and I wanted so badly to be the one guy that stayed but it's like she pushes you out the door and then accuses you of never caring about her


FFS DUDE, listen to yourself. I think that you're just as ****edup as her. No wonder why your Ex dumped you.
You really need to get help in figuring out why are you such a punching bag. Really, you have not self esteem, worth, why? Are you just lacking in the upstairs, and you're kind of slow?


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> The last time I made her mad like this she stayed mad at me for five months. I'm not sure how long this one will last. I know that I'm at the point now where I just can't take this back and forth stuff. The woman she is when she's herself is amazing and it didn't take much for me to completely fall in love with her but when she transforms into this paranoid, angry person I just feel helpless and like nothing I do is right or appreciated. You'd think anyone with a set of eyes can see how hard I'm trying to be good to her and please her but all she sees is that I'm trying to hurt her. I don't know what to do.


Your feelings matter my good man. You deserve better than this, if you will allow yourself to have it. It is scary to be alone


The_Conspiracy said:


> Because before I got to know the woman that is paranoid and delusional I got to know the woman that wasn't. This girl really grabbed my attention like no one else has. My marriage was a nightmare. I was cheated on three different times and my own children was used and manipulated so she wouldn't get caught. I spent some time alone. I admittedly have this thing where I can't be alone. I guess all the years of being degraded by my wife gave me low self esteem but I truly did fall in love with this new girl and I want somehow to be here for her but she won't allow me to be.


There is a common thread in both of these relationships. You not having enough self-esteem to walk away from someone that is hurting you. Have you tried seeking help to understand why you allow yourself to be treated this way? Your feelings matter! Neither of these women appear to give a darn about how you feel and the next woman you attract will very likely treat you the same way until you work on yourself and gain self-esteem. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved they will pull you into the water and make you drown with them.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you’re giving her thousands and she calls you a whiny little *****? Damn.
Nobody can save you from your worst enemy: yourself.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You have to learn to be ok alone. You jumped far too soon into another relationship anyway and you are now in a very messed up relationship that is unlikely to change.
> You say she has multiple personalities. Who told you that, her? Has it been properly diagnosed? Do you know the cause of them? People with multiple personalities have usually been through the most appalling trauma often in childhood. You haven't mentioned anything like that.


Her childhood from my knowledge was good. I've met her parents and grandparents and they all seem well and she hasn't talked badly of any of them. She has had issues in her younger adult years with alcoholism, dating douche bags, according to her she's been to jail a lot, etc... but she claims she straightened up when her son was born. According to her, when her BD left her she almost went crazy. 

The way I broke up with her was simple - I just deactivated my Facebook and snapchat and blocked her. When she saw I wasn't responding on Facebook she texted me asking me why I broke up with her. I told her and she went off on me calling me weak and stuff. She told me no one has ever done her that dirty (even though her BD left her while she was pregnant and wants nothing to do with her or their child). She said it would have hurt less had I cussed her out and broken up with her in a harsh way than quietly walking away the way I did. It's like she prefers a$$holes and dramatic exits. 

I think maybe her abusive relationships in the past helped get her to this point but I believe there's more to it also.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> FFS DUDE, listen to yourself. I think that you're just as ****edup as her. No wonder why your Ex dumped you.
> You really need to get help in figuring out why are you such a punching bag. Really, you have not self esteem, worth, why? Are you just lacking in the upstairs, and you're kind of slow?


Some of you guys are just plain rude. You see someone who you claim to have low self-esteem and have issues dealing with their problems come in her and you dog pile them with offensive posts like this. I am not lacking upstairs by any means. I used to be very content being alone but marriage kind of spoiled me. I was used to my wife being there to go through everything with me. I never felt like I was going through anything alone. She decided she was unhappy and found her a boyfriend and once her feelings for him were strong enough she hit me with "I want a divorce" and they lived together in my house the entire separation and divorce. I didn't have anyone like she did to lean on the entire divorce and I had to deal with it and all the emotions alone. Then she made me think we were getting back together so I would give her a load of money and as soon as she was content she sent me a text talking about how we will never workout and she's moving on. Yeah, I've been through a lot in the last 12 months. I really hope you never have to go through half of what I've been through and that no one accuses you of "lacking upstairs" once your mind gets you in a bad spot.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Her childhood from my knowledge was good. I've met her parents and grandparents and they all seem well and she hasn't talked badly of any of them. She has had issues in her younger adult years with alcoholism, dating douche bags, according to her she's been to jail a lot, etc... but she claims she straightened up when her son was born. According to her, when her BD left her she almost went crazy.
> 
> The way I broke up with her was simple - I just deactivated my Facebook and snapchat and blocked her. When she saw I wasn't responding on Facebook she texted me asking me why I broke up with her. I told her and she went off on me calling me weak and stuff. She told me no one has ever done her that dirty (even though her BD left her while she was pregnant and wants nothing to do with her or their child). She said it would have hurt less had I cussed her out and broken up with her in a harsh way than quietly walking away the way I did. It's like she prefers a$$holes and dramatic exits.
> 
> I think maybe her abusive relationships in the past helped get her to this point but I believe there's more to it also.


Loads of people have been through break ups and other far more traumatic things but we don't have multiple personalities. She may well have bipolar but highly doubt the multiple personalities. 
She seems to have had a good childhood as well.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> You need to figure out why you can't be alone. And, no, your wife is not responsible for your lack of self-esteem. You own your feelings/emotions. And, as an adult, you can choose to feel however you want. Nobody has the power to make you feel anything.


Right. Being faithful, loving and hard working for an 11 year marriage and then finding out you were cheated on THREE separate times (once with your own cousin) and then finding out your wife, who was also your best friend, brought her boyfriend into your home while you were working and had sex with him for your children to hear and then when they wanted to tell me she told them that I would take their home away from them and make them homeless if I knew... I had full control over how that made me feel. I had full control wiping tears away from my 9-year-old sons eyes when he wondered why his home was split up as his mother explained to him that his father put on too much weight working 60 hours a week as a truck driver to keep up with obsessive spending habits while paying for her to go through college in her late 20's.... 



> Giving this woman $$ is pathetic. You are needy. Sorry, but I'm telling it to you straight as a woman.


"Giving" makes you "needy". That a first. 



> This isn't love. Not by a long shot. This is what happens when a codependent enabler like you hooks up with a user and taker like her.


Quick diagnosis from one post. 



> Okay. Win her back. Marry her. Pledge undying love. All fine by me. But you'll be back here in a couple years when the ride on the crazy train drives you over the edge. Yeah, an alcoholic is just so wonderful to live with. Stable. Kind. Empathetic. Ask me how I know.


At this point I don't know what I'm going to do. I came here for help. Fortunately, some people in here have decided to give me good input. Others, such as yourself, have been just plain rude. Thanks anyway.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Loads of people have been through break ups and other far more traumatic things but we don't have multiple personalities. She may well have bipolar but highly doubt the multiple personalities.
> She seems to have had a good childhood as well.


She has multiple personalities, trust me. This girl can do makeovers to herself and go out and you won't even recognize it's her. I don't know how she does it but she will say things to you for a month or two and then a few months later when you get back together she will laugh at some of the things she said and how irrational she was being. It's kind of scary in a lot of ways.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

@The_Conspiracy, one of my brothers was engaged to a woman with BPD, and the fallout from their breakup was devastating. He's an incredibly strong man and will support the people he loves through anything. He will have your back no matter what. He's my baby bro but he's also someone I admire and find inspiring beyond belief. He thought he could make it work too, and things improved for a while and he proposed. Sure enough, things soon slipped back into old patterns. She would go days without speaking to him, he'd be asleep in bed and she'd turn the lights on and start screaming at him about some random issue, he was walking on egg shells constantly so as not to set her off, he never knew what he'd be walking into on his way home from work and soon started to dread it. That's just the tip of the iceberg. One day he simply couldn't take it anymore and he left. When she took her medication and went to therapy she was wonderful. When she drank, it interfered with her medication and she was a nasty, nasty person. She told him flat out she wouldn't stop drinking so he was done. She refused to help herself so he knew there was nothing he could do.

A relationship with a BPD person will always be rocky and very hard work. She may not be responsible for having the disorder but she IS responsible for how she handles it. 

And stop giving her money - what would you say to your son in this situation? Say it to yourself because you are just as important as your son, and deserve a loving, peaceful, easy relationship.

Please do what's best for you and your children - you don't have the right to subject them to this constant drama, and this drama is taking your time and energy away from them.

I wish you the best.


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Some of you guys are just plain rude. You see someone who you claim to have low self-esteem and have issues dealing with their problems come in her and you dog pile them with offensive posts like this. I am not lacking upstairs by any means. I used to be very content being alone but marriage kind of spoiled me. I was used to my wife being there to go through everything with me. I never felt like I was going through anything alone. She decided she was unhappy and found her a boyfriend and once her feelings for him were strong enough she hit me with "I want a divorce" and they lived together in my house the entire separation and divorce. I didn't have anyone like she did to lean on the entire divorce and I had to deal with it and all the emotions alone. Then she made me think we were getting back together so I would give her a load of money and as soon as she was content she sent me a text talking about how we will never workout and she's moving on. Yeah, I've been through a lot in the last 12 months. I really hope you never have to go through half of what I've been through and that no one accuses you of "lacking upstairs" once your mind gets you in a bad spot.


I agree you have been dealing with a lot in the last 12 months. That's why I'm posting a reply back to you. I'm sorry you've gone through this and had to deal with your emotions alone. My intention is not to dog-pile on you. It is tough to be alone, when being with someone else is all you have known for the last decade. I don't want you to continue on a road of pain. I'm pointing out that you should feel that you deserve better than a woman/women that treat you this way. It may require professional help to work through and realize that fact...You matter and deserve better. You could stop spending money on a woman that seems to enjoy hurting you and spend that money on therapy. This way you have someone to work through your emotions who is trained to help you build skills to improve your life.

The reason you are seeing these multiple personalities is because she has a weak sense of self. It is part of her mental illness. The relationship I was referring to earlier was similar to what you describe. I had low self-esteem and felt I deserved the bad treatment because I wasn't worthy of anything better. Working on myself outside of a relationship for years is what helped me regain control of my life. Once I was able to love myself, which is something I still struggle with at times I was able to find a woman that treats me with love.

My posts and questions are not meant to be offensive...I had to work through those questions as part of working on myself.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

The_Conspiracy said:


> So I met this girl back in August and I was freshly out of a divorce. I met her at a time where I thought my life was over and I can honestly say she literally changed my life. She was everything I ever wanted and it was almost too good to be true... and then it was. She kept getting mad over small things and flipping and overreacting even to the point where she would block me and refuse to speak to me. I kind of sensed there was more to why she was that way so I just stayed my distance and let her know I was there and cared for her and if she was ready to talk I was ready to be there for her. She ended up in another relationship that didn't last very long and not long after it ended she came back into my life. This time around we lasted longer than before and I popped the question and she said yes. Everything was great at this point we were promising to never leave each other, going on trips together, talking about moving in with one another and stuff. Then her old personality came back...
> 
> She told me when we first started dating she had been through a lot with relationships and had abandonment issues. I know her kids father left her when he found out she was pregnant and she had to go through the entire thing alone and she has done extremely well as a mother and a provider, but I could tell what that was doing to her and I stepped in and played the role while we were together. She told me there will be points where she is distant, moody, grouchy, and all these other things and when that happens just deal with it and understand it's part of her personality and not to be offended. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and she kept reassuring me (but in a mean way) it was nothing I did but just her dealing with her own mind. She sees a therapist for mental health issues and stuff and I know they are constantly switching her medication around. Right now she isn't taking her meds from what I understand and it's caused a huge lapse in her personality. Despite all of this, I love this woman and I'm willing to work toward anything that means necessary to make our relationship work.
> 
> ...


In short, no man can be a Prince Charming. You can't earn a woman's heart by saving her.
All you are doing is protecting her from the consequences of her actions, which prevents her from learning and improving.
When a guy does this, a woman will use you for her benefit and, when you can't be used anymore, she will move on to somebody else.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

SnakePlissken said:


> I agree you have been dealing with a lot in the last 12 months. That's why I'm posting a reply back to you. I'm sorry you've gone through this and had to deal with your emotions alone. My intention is not to dog-pile on you. It is tough to be alone, when being with someone else is all you have known for the last decade. I don't want you to continue on a road of pain. I'm pointing out that you should feel that you deserve better than a woman/women that treat you this way. It may require professional help to work through and realize that fact...You matter and deserve better. You could stop spending money on a woman that seems to enjoy hurting you and spend that money on therapy. This way you have someone to work through your emotions who is trained to help you build skills to improve your life.


What hurts the most in all of this is that there is a diamond underneath all of this but she refuses to acknowledge where the issue really lies. Her narcissistic behavior contributes substantially in the amount of failed relationships she has had over the years and subjecting her son to that is also abusive to him. She had this boy calling me daddy and now he may never see me again. How many others were there before me that did this? I don't know, but she's teaching him that fathers are not stable and run away from their children. Every time he has a father-figure in his life she runs them off. That isn't just cruel behavior towards the man in her life but also cruel behavior to her child. 



> The reason you are seeing these multiple personalities is because she has a weak sense of self. It is part of her mental illness. The relationship I was referring to earlier was similar to what you describe. I had low self-esteem and felt I deserved the bad treatment because I wasn't worthy of anything better. Working on myself outside of a relationship for years is what helped me regain control of my life. Once I was able to love myself, which is something I still struggle with at times I was able to find a woman that treats me with love.


It's difficult for a 32-year-old father of three to find a decent woman. My ex pretty much ruined my entire life she destroyed my credit, took all my money as she left, destroyed my sanity. I basically have my career and my children left but I honestly probably need to take a whole year of doing nothing but working and going to the gym saving up money and focusing on physical health in order to recover from the financial crisis and physical crisis she put me through. 



> My posts and questions are not meant to be offensive...I had to work through those questions as part of working on myself.


You have not been offensive at all. I was speaking more about the others that I quoted. They can learn to help others going through a lot without putting them down or telling them they deserve what they're getting.


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Another question you can ask yourself...would your emotional energy be better spent on your children? There is only 24 hours in a day and every thought you spent on this woman could be redirected towards them and yourself. Those are the people (you and your children) that deserve your time and emotional investment. You can investment in the diamond underneath you and grow your children into diamonds.

You mention that her behavior is cruel toward her son. 

How do you think she will be with your three children? I'd bet she'll behave cruelly towards them too. Are you sure that is worth the gamble? Protect your children from this woman. Show them that they shouldn't accept people treating them this way. They will grow up thinking it is acceptable to be treated poorly. They will watch you and learn from how you manage this situation.

It will be tough and you can get through it, look what you have already survived. It can get better. Having children doesn't disqualify you from having a decent woman. There are decent women out there who won't see that as a bad thing. Have you gone to any therapy to process what you went through in the last 12 months? If not, is there a reason you don't want to or don't think it will help?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let's recap what YOU have written here:

As soon as your divorce was final, you hooked up with this woman.

She's bipolar, alcoholic, depressed, and currently taking no medications to address her mental health issues. (I assume she's not in A.A. or working any program to maintain sobriety.) But you are willing to do anything to make a relationship with this woman work. 

She broke up with you once already and then had another relationship during that time.

She came back to you and you proposed.

She told you that she's "moody" "distant" and "grouchy" and told you that you just have to deal with it because that's just who she is.

She doesn't like to discuss problems/issues as a way to "fix" things, but just wants to move on. (BTW we call that "rug sweeping" here.)

Your ex cheated on you at least three times that you know of, basically had sex almost in front of the kids (they could hear it), and went through your money like a drunken sailor on leave.

Your current gf wants you to continue giving her money because it will indicate to her that she can begin to "trust" you again. 

And you think I'm RUDE for pointing out to you how damn dumb you are to fall for this crap?!?!?

And your defensive response to me, pretty much proved that you are a drama junkie. No man in his right mind would jump from marriage hell into this new hell unless he loved all the drama and mess.

So tell me if my condensed version of events is wrong. Then tell me where giving you a shot of honesty is rude. You DO deserve what you're getting if you hook up with a bipolar addict who isn't getting serious treatment. But you know that, right?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> What hurts the most in all of this is that there is a diamond underneath all of this but she refuses to acknowledge where the issue really lies. Her narcissistic behavior contributes substantially in the amount of failed relationships she has had over the years and subjecting her son to that is also abusive to him. She had this boy calling me daddy and now he may never see me again. How many others were there before me that did this? I don't know, but she's teaching him that fathers are not stable and run away from their children. Every time he has a father-figure in his life she runs them off. That isn't just cruel behavior towards the man in her life but also cruel behavior to her child.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The 2x4's you are getting is because as you reply is obvious to any third party reading from afar, that you have problems yourself, but so far you just refuse to see or understand what people that has been on your exact position, and have learned the very hard way what you so far have been doing does. 

It's sad, and sometimes infuriating to see someone going down to a terrible place like you emotionally have so far.

Right now you just can't see it, but we're hoping that somehow, with 2x4's if that's what it takes, you get to understand that you're being taken like a fool by this woman. She knows exactly what's she doing, mentally ill or not. 

Also, it's obvious that you are following a pattern that started with your ex wife. Do you think for one moment that whatever made her lost all respect for you and preferred another man came from a vacuum? from nowhere?

Normally, women don't lose their love and respect for their husband just like that. You can say that she got bored, what you need to understand and get to the bottom of it is, why she got bored with you?
Why? It did just happen. 
Look deep within yourself, ask people that knew both of you for a very frank opinion. 

When so many people tell you the same whether nice or insulting, there's have to be something true about it. 

I guess that you'll have to experience some more abuse from women like this crazy woman (no so crazy as to milk you) in order for you to finally "get it".
For your info, we all at some time finally got it, so I hope you get it sooner rather than later.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

x


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> She has multiple personalities, trust me. This girl can do makeovers to herself and go out and you won't even recognize it's her. I don't know how she does it but she will say things to you for a month or two and then a few months later when you get back together she will laugh at some of the things she said and how irrational she was being. It's kind of scary in a lot of ways.


All women can do makeovers. Bi polar can cause the things you describe.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> What hurts the most in all of this is that there is a diamond underneath all of this but she refuses to acknowledge where the issue really lies. Her narcissistic behavior contributes substantially in the amount of failed relationships she has had over the years and subjecting her son to that is also abusive to him. She had this boy calling me daddy and now he may never see me again. How many others were there before me that did this? I don't know, but she's teaching him that fathers are not stable and run away from their children. Every time he has a father-figure in his life she runs them off. That isn't just cruel behavior towards the man in her life but also cruel behavior to her child.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was going to suggest at least a year of not dating. Of being a good dad, of taking up hobbies and interests, meeting people, making friends. 
As another poster said bringing such a messed up woman into your children's lives would be cruel and I have to worry about her own child. Is he even safe with her?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That nice person that lived in her head has now crawled into yours.

You are now, twice as nice, and she has only has that disordered and mean persona to lead her around.

She desperately needs the service of an Exorcist.

.............................................................

Humor aside....

Her care is above your pay grade, she is a broken lady.

Bless you though, for trying.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

She is a very damaged person. You are not qualified to fix her. You cannot love or support her into changing herself no matter how hard you try. At some point, you have to decide that prioritizing yourself and your children is more important than letting this unstable woman suck away all your self-esteem, energy, and peace of mind. You feel like you're doing everything you can to prove yourself and it's not enough, and that's TRUE, because there isn't actually anything that would be enough.

Do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder, and you will see she's a classic. She will be wonderful and pull you in, then feel smothered and push you away, then feel abandoned and pull you in, etc etc etc goes the cycle. You want her to be that wonderful version of herself at all times, and the hope of having that keeps you stuck with her. But that's not the real her - the real her IS that endless swinging pendulum.

Stay strong, stay apart, and rebuild yourself. Then see about finding a woman without these issues, who will complement your life instead of ruin it.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

I appreciate all the replies and while I cannot quote each and everyone I will somewhat summarize a response to everyone. 

For those who suggested talking to others around us about where the marriage failed - honestly, it failed with money and lack of self-care. My ex was in love with me when I had time to workout every day and keep my physique in shape as well as when I looked younger in my early 20s. 

When she started demanding these high dollar incomes, it came with longer and more stressful work hours and job tasks which resulted in weight gain and stress. After that, money was all that mattered and my health began to deteriorate. She was always verbally mean to me, but it got worse as I no longer made her feel the butterflies she felt before. Her father and other family members were verbally abusive to her and she carried that into our relationship. 

Unfortunately, I caved into it as well and began saying terrible things back to her thinking it would show her how it felt and she'd stop but all it did was lead to resentment from both of us from words that cannot be taken back. Resentment and lack of physical attraction (from her) resulted in her wandering eye. 

My big concern here is that after she wanders away this time (and I'm pretty sure she will), she will realize that no one else will be putting in the type of effort into her both emotionally and financially as I did and she will find her way back to me again... and I have a hard time telling her no. I'm thinking that completely rebuilding myself right now - emotionally, physically, and financially would do me some good and prepare me to tell her to take a hike if she truly walks away this time. 

Her inactivity on facebook screams to me that she's had a guy over after work the last two evenings. I'd be willing to say she will spend the weekend with him and honestly I'll probably have end up paid for the date with the $700 I just gave her on Thursday like a dumbass.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> When she started demanding these high dollar incomes, it came with longer and more stressful work hours and job tasks which resulted in weight gain and stress. After that, money was all that mattered


By the time she started demanding the high income money, is an indication that by that time you already have become "a nice guy", and that is not a compliment.
There has to be something within you that makes you think that by providing and being nice you'll be getting the love that you seek, and to keep her. In other words, you're paying for it, but at a high price.
It's like the battered wife syndrome, the more she gets beat up, the more she seeks to please her abuser.



The_Conspiracy said:


> and she will find her way back to me again... and I have a hard time telling her no.


Once again, here's your main problem, like the battered wife, you keep faltering, unable to say no, unable to just walk away.

These are examples of an individual lacking the most primitive sense that all living things in nature have, that of self preservation. Mother nature's rule number one is: me first.

You are failing at that. You are putting the interests of others before your own. That means you right now are not loving yourself. If you can't learn to love yourself first, how can you really love anyone else. You may say but I do love, true is, not really, that's a sick kind of love, not natural. You must love yourself first in order to give love. What you have with this woman is a sick, codependent, need to love her at all cost. If you stay and continue with her it will be your destruction. You'll find out. That's a guarantee. Most likely you will end up worse than her if you keep it up.

Learn, learn from what happened to you with your ex, her demands got you so stressed out and sick, but you were not able to say no more.
What did that get you?

You need professional help to get you out of the self pity party and destructive behavior you are following. You owe it not just to yourself, but specially to your kids.
Hope that they don't have to witness your behavior towards women, and think that that's normal.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you can't stay away from her for yourself, do it for your children. They don't need to live in the emotional mess that being with her would create. 
They have already faced one family break up, they need stability and security now.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> _*I gave her $400 on Friday for her truck payment out of our joint account.
> 
> On Saturday I worked under the table and earned $250 cash and I gave that to her on Sunday.
> 
> ...



Look up the word "SIMP."


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Is there a world championship for simping?
I have a couple of thousand I’d like to “gamble” on someone.

OP, please, just let her go.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok, I am sorry but I only read through the first couple of pages. It seems like she has borderline personality disorder which often gets diagnosed as bpd and can both be present in the same person.

Let me guess, the sex is/was mind-blowingly insane? She seems amazing smart while she runs you around in circles during arguments?

She is never going to trust you. Even if you had a camera on you 24/7 it will never be enough. RUN far and fast. The push/pull can be addicting but like any addiction it will destroy you. Cut all contact while you still have some of your self worth still in tact.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Perhaps you are right. How do you think I should handle this situation? How should I go about talking to her from this point on?


Oh for God’s sake - you DON’T talk to her!!!

You can’t talk someone out of being crazy.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

“When men try to rescue damsels in distress, all they have to show for it in the end is a distressed damsel on their hands.”

- Dr Laura Schlesinger


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> but I honestly probably need to take a whole year of doing nothing but working and going to the gym saving up money and focusing on physical health in order to recover from the financial crisis and physical crisis


This is actually your best option currently.

If you get yourself squared away and your own life in order, then you won’t have time or patience for these train wrecks and basket cases. 

As others have pointed out, this is primarily a self esteem issue within yourself. There is something within you that makes you think these damaged and disordered train wrecks are all you can get and makes you accept their manipulation and exploitation. 

A squared away guy would not take a crazy chick like this on a second date or buy her a cup of coffee once he spots any of these red flags. 

You can’t change her or fix her. 

But you can fix yourself and develop yourself to where you have self esteem, dignity and just plain ol’ common sense,,,,, all of which you are sorely lacking at the moment. 

So yes, I think your best plan is to simply walk away from this train wreck as it burns itself into the ground and focus on fixing yourself and getting yourself squared away to the point you don’t even consider saying hello to these manipulative basket cases.


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This is actually your best option currently.
> 
> If you get yourself squared away and your own life in order, then you won’t have time or patience for these train wrecks and basket cases.
> 
> ...


You're probably right about everything you said here... My buddy checked this girls Facebook and she was "hearting" some guys profile pictures that has been liking her pics, but she's acting to me like she's not sure what she wants or "if she can trust me again". I honestly just need to man up....


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, you do need to man up — like months ago — but the question is when will you?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> You're probably right about everything you said here... My buddy checked this girls Facebook and she was "hearting" some guys profile pictures that has been liking her pics, but she's acting to me like she's not sure what she wants or "if she can trust me again". I honestly just need to man up....


Yep


----------



## The_Conspiracy (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Yeah, you do need to man up — like months ago — but the question is when will you?


That's the golden question right there.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> I have said from the beginning that she has multiple personalities. One of her personalities loves affection and wants to be cuddled and loved on and is very paranoid that I am going to leave her. The other one is hateful and rude and almost pushes me away just so she can say "I knew I couldn't trust you!" It's like pleasing two different people at once and you have to constantly guess on which one you are going to be around that day. I have given forth my best effort in everything she told me she wanted from day one. She said she wanted a man to support her and her baby and I did that. She said she wanted a man that only wants to be with her and show no attention at all to other woman and I did that. She said she wanted a man to spend time with her and commit to her which I did. Now suddenly I am whiny and a "little ***" as she called me.
> 
> I don't know much about her diagnosis but I know she has alcoholism, depression, and bi-polar. I think she has several personalities. I haven't spoken with her therapist or anything but I definitely can see certain similarities and she told me she has abandonment issues that she sees a therapist for. The sad thing is she pushes me away in fear that I'm going to abandon her. Now how much sense does that make?


As has been said many times, run. Run as fast as your legs can take you.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> The way I broke up with her was simple - I just deactivated my Facebook and snapchat and blocked her. When she saw I wasn't responding on Facebook she texted me asking me why I broke up with her. I told her and she went off on me calling me weak and stuff. She told me no one has ever done her that dirty (even though her BD left her while she was pregnant and wants nothing to do with her or their child). She said it would have hurt less had I cussed her out and broken up with her in a harsh way than quietly walking away the way I did. It's like she prefers a$$holes and dramatic exits.


Sorry, just to clarify, you just deactivated your social media or blocked her on it, and that was your way of breaking up with her? That's not breaking up; that's ghosting, and that's just plain mean. Breaking up with someone involved manning up and having an actual conversation that goes something like this: "This isn't working out for me anymore, and I'm really sorry, but this needs to end now. I wish you the best going forwards in your life."


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> Some of you guys are just plain rude. You see someone who you claim to have low self-esteem and have issues dealing with their problems come in her and you dog pile them with offensive posts like this. I am not lacking upstairs by any means. I used to be very content being alone but marriage kind of spoiled me. I was used to my wife being there to go through everything with me. I never felt like I was going through anything alone. She decided she was unhappy and found her a boyfriend and once her feelings for him were strong enough she hit me with "I want a divorce" and they lived together in my house the entire separation and divorce. I didn't have anyone like she did to lean on the entire divorce and I had to deal with it and all the emotions alone. Then she made me think we were getting back together so I would give her a load of money and as soon as she was content she sent me a text talking about how we will never workout and she's moving on. Yeah, I've been through a lot in the last 12 months. I really hope you never have to go through half of what I've been through and that no one accuses you of "lacking upstairs" once your mind gets you in a bad spot.


Yeah, some people on here can be tactless, rude or blunt or however you consider it. I thought the same thing when I joined this group just over 5 years ago. I posted something about not being happy in my marriage, and a bunch of people pretty much let me have it. It was awful, I felt terrible and like a real loser for having the issues that I had. But you know what? A lot of the people on here have some excellent advice IF you can step back, get out of your head and really HEAR it. Yeah okay, the delivery could be a little nicer, but sometimes, a person needs to hear a little tough love. 

We've all got a different story, and we can all learn from each other, and this is a real good place to do that.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The_Conspiracy said:


> My big concern here is that after she wanders away this time (and I'm pretty sure she will), she will realize that no one else will be putting in the type of effort into her both emotionally and financially as I did and she will find her way back to me again... and I have a hard time telling her no. I'm thinking that completely rebuilding myself right now - emotionally, physically, and financially would do me some good and prepare me to tell her to take a hike if she truly walks away this time.
> 
> Her inactivity on facebook screams to me that she's had a guy over after work the last two evenings. I'd be willing to say she will spend the weekend with him and honestly I'll probably have end up paid for the date with the $700 I just gave her on Thursday like a dumbass.


The second paragraph that I quoted tells me that you know that what you're doing is unhealthy, and that while she may pretend to have feelings for you, it's just a cover to get as much money out of you as possible. She's using you, and you seem to know that, but you don't seem to want to do anything to protect yourself.

Which takes me to the first paragraph that I quoted. You need to get better at saying "no", and that will come easier once it really sinks in just how much she's using you. Yes, you need to rebuild yourself, and that will take work. If you're as physically unhealthy as you say you are, you don't necessarily need a gym; just find a couple of physical activities that you enjoy and do them faithfully, everyday. I like walking, so I invested in a treadmill. Or maybe you do want to go to the gym; if that's the case, by all means, do that.

As for your GF coming to realize that no one else will put up with her crap, or put in the amount of effort that you do, that's OK. It's not up to you to fix that; it's up to her. She needs to stick to her meds and stop drinking in order to maintain equilibrium; if she's not willing to do that, that's her choice. If she chooses the path of alcohol and no meds, there's nothing you can do to help her. You can't "nice" her into a healthy state.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The_Conspiracy said:


> ....
> My big concern here is that* after she wanders away this time (and I'm pretty sure she will), she will realize that no one else will be putting in the type of effort into her both emotionally and financially as I did and she will find her way back to me again... *and I have a hard time telling her no. I'm thinking that completely rebuilding myself right now - emotionally, physically, and financially would do me some good and prepare me to tell her to take a hike if she truly walks away this time.
> ....


She will no doubt find her way back to you, but not because she has had an epiphany of how good you treated and supported her, and discovered a new found appreciation of you, and how you are the best she's ever had. She will find her way back because she needs something from you, and she knows you will give it. Her mental illness makes it impossible for her to see you in the way you are wanting to be seen.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s one of many men tangled in her web. I’m just unsure if there are many that would actually give her large sums of money and get nothing from her. That’s one of the most dysfunctional things I’ve read about a guy doing on here. Of course, it’s just more visible in OP’s case. Mr. That stay in sexless and intimacy-less marriages whose wives tell them they never want to have sex again—- that seems about as crazy as the OP giving his ex gf money just hoping she might say she’ll give him a date. At least he has a chance. Although it’s pretty low.

Agreed, she will keep coming back to this well from time to time. Few guys will be this easy for her to swindle.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

The_Conspiracy said:


> if any of you all have any pointers or know anything about BPD and anxiety please let me know.


There are plenty of books and websites and youtube videos that will tell you about BPD partners.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The_Conspiracy said:


> "Giving" makes you "needy". That a first.


In this case, YES. You are giving $$ to a woman in the hopes that she'll let you back into her life. Please tell me what isn't needy about that!

It's not "needy" to give money to the Red Cross for Ukranian refugee relief. It's not "needy" to donate money to St. Jude's Childrens Research Hospital to help countless medical professionals in their research of pediatric cancers.

IT IS "NEEDY" TO GIVE A MANIPULALTVE, NASTY USER MONEY.

Get the difference?


----------



## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

samyeagar said:


> She will no doubt find her way back to you, but not because she has had an epiphany of how good you treated and supported her, and discovered a new found appreciation of you, and how you are the best she's ever had. She will find *her way back because she needs something from you*, and she knows you will give it. Her mental illness makes it impossible for her to see you in the way you are wanting to be seen.



She won't see as anything other than this because she doesn't care about your feelings. She only thinks about herself. Her behavior demonstrates it.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> In this case, YES. You are giving $$ to a woman in the hopes that she'll let you back into her life. Please tell me what isn't needy about that!
> 
> It's not "needy" to give money to the Red Cross for Ukranian refugee relief. It's not "needy" to donate money to St. Jude's Childrens Research Hospital to help countless medical professionals in their research of pediatric cancers.
> 
> ...


Then there is the issue of him creating a covert contract...


----------

