# My (thorough) story. Can you help?



## onetimename(ihope) (Apr 28, 2009)

Ok, so here's some background. My Wife and I (Technically, still engaged, hopefully we can get through this.) are 19 and 18 respectively. When I met her, she was motivated and an overachiever, got her GED 2 years early and had 2 years of college under her belt as I graduated HS. 
I worked full-time and she landed a part-time job shortly after meeting her.
Now here's where the wacky money contention comes in. She is Native American, and receives Tribal support money quarterly, as well as full ride for college. 
We share all our money, though there is not a joint account. She chooses to spend lightly and often, and I am a saver-then-splurger.
3 months into our relationship, she moved onto her third part-time job (this one lasted for over a month!!) and was attending a local community college, while I worked. Money was fine, I lived at a friends house after my parents kicked me out. 
It all went downhill from there. She skips her classes, blows her Fin. Aid, and misses work enough that she loses her job. 
No college, no job, nothing.
Subsequently, she is expelled from her house, and joins me for a (temporary) fix. We plan on moving out.
My work has been slumping off after the holiday retail rush, and I spend more and more time at home. Where she is. Alone. In the dark. Always. She's obviously depressed, nothing helped.
I begin to resent her.
One day she goes through my emails and calls me raving about an EA (which I was not aware of, I could see it if I were looking for it, but never considered it)
A day comes up where I have a conflict of interest. I am scheduled to work, but also have a sibling's party to attend. She convinces me to call in for a personal day. I get fired.
As I begin to enjoy my week off (that's what I gave myself) she gets motivated, and scoffs my depression. 
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INTERMISSION - I am sorry about the novella, I just want to be fair and accurate.
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Weeks of mutual anguish in the dark of a futon in a room later....
I begin school. I had only wanted to work so I could appreciate my education.
I choose to take classes online so I can be more flexible in my schedule, and spend time with her. She says we will be secure if she gets a job and we use my Fin. Aid.
Valentine's Day. We conceive a child.
I am happy. She is happy. (About it)
She never got a job. Never started school.
She stays home and watches T.V. and complains that we cannot move out, and I should get a job. (It is very hard to do online classes when your wife complains you ignore her and is always with you) I agree it would help, but I know myself well enough to know that I am not capable of managing being a full-time student and working. Besides, she had stated she would get a job a month ago, right?
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The breaking point....
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My parents, in an act of good faith, write me a check for 2000 dollars for child support they received after I was not in the household. It is my birthday present, to be spent on school.
Knowing there are better things to do with the money, I choose to bring my love out every day for a week. We see movies, go out to eat, go ice skating. Anything I see her smile at. It is worth every penny to save this relationship, for us and our child. After a few days, I buy a nice ring (very affordable, too), and propose to her the way I wish I had earlier. She has been telling me she fell in love with me all over again, and says yes.
Eight days in, she notices my hesitation to spend. She comments and I tell her what I have been doing. Apparently
it hadn't hit her. We decide to stay in and continue being happy. She suspects I have an EA with an autistic girl I consider my sister, because I always flatter her (Oh, I'd be dating her if it weren't for you, I don't know what the boys don't see, etc. cheesy crap) We sleep apart for two nights. Rocky as we are, we usually smooth out.
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REALLY HERE! THE FRESH EVENT
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When I met her, I had a very nice gaming computer, and played with people online, people i knew well and now miss.
I traded this computer for a laptop so we could be mobile and together. I see a very good deal on a gaming laptop (750 for a 1250 pc). What do you know, after all that, my birthday money has 750 left over. I ask her if I can buy it. NO. It's unreasonable, blah blah. She makes good points. I counter that I never spent any money on myself. We have a mediator there (a friend) who happens to mention that it's not that bad, If i get a job, I won't be able to spend my time gaming. She says, "You can if you get a job. If you have time to play games, you have time to work."
WHAT THE ****.
I try to resist.
My head's too stupid.
"Well, <name removed>, what do you do all day?"
She freaks and locks herself in our room. 
I am in the living room now, sleeping on the couch. 
I finally realized I resented her for never doing anything.
This stuff happens way more often than feels normal, probably because we are never apart. (She hates my friends, and therefore I have none, and she estranged herself from everyone she knew)
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Questions
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WHAT DO I DO NOW?
She has always complained about age and maturity, but never moves to affect anything.
IS IT BAD TO WANT TO LEAVE?
I will stay in this relationship for my child, no matter what it does to me, but I wish I didn't have to.
IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL AFRAID?
I am always in worry of displeasing her. She is very critical of everything, and very spiteful. Is this normal?
AM I OVERREACTING IN THINKING SHE SHOULD WORK?
I wouldn't mind getting a job if she worked too. I think she undervalues my work as a student, because I can only get it done when she sleeps.

Please help me. Ask questions, give advice. I have nothing left. Thanks for your time.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think you both are going through some growing pains. the transition into the 'real' world is difficult. 

i would suggest you move on. but move on knowing that something about your personality attracted someone like her. If you want a healthy relationship, try being single for awhile and getting your life to a point that you feel completely satisfied with yourself. in the mean time try reading books about codependency and self help books. if you want to attract a healthy partner, you'll have to first be healthy. 

and dont spend any more money on frivolous things. spending that money your parents gave you on her was not very wise. i hope you learned your lesson as far as that is concerned.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Having a baby is a huge responsibilty. Being so young and unestablished in careers, it will be a tough ride for both of you. Someone needs to work and earn an income to support the child. I feel I am stating the obvious, but maybe it's because I am a generation older and live more tradionally. Good luck.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

I'm feeling my age now! Both of you are immature and need to do some growing up fast. Having a child is a huge responsibility and both of you need to step up to the plate. Both of you either need to be working and/or going to school. And stop spending money foolishly. Right now I see each of you draining the other one. That cycle has got to be broken for you to have a healthy relationship. Perhaps reading self-help books and/or counseling can help.


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## fly_guy (Mar 26, 2009)

I'm 21, my wife is 19. We were married at 19 & 17.

We had a child a year after our marriage. It's tough. Someone needs to be the breadwinner (preferably you in my opinion) and the other can do the same. I was working 2 jobs (one full time) and going to school. My wife was working part time until her 4th month of pregnancy. Trust me, I know it's tough man. Stick it through.

You are both young. Shoot, I'm still young. It's all about mindset and sticking to it. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey he has changed my family's tree financially. I encourage you to change yours.


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## Terran007 (Jun 14, 2009)

Yeah, you probably just need to take school at half-time rather than full-time. No wonder you don't have time for anything!

Right now you got to man up and get a job. I know it's tough, but even working a McDonald's for $8 an hour is $8 an hour you didn't have. A baby is on its way and your girl won't be able to work soon enough. Not only that, but how will you care for the baby? Will she stay at home? Well then, you better get used to a 1 person income for a good while.

There is hope though... you are going to college which will give you a leg up to be able to find a good paying career. As of right now, I'd say you guys are in a pretty toxic relationship. But the fact that you have a kid in the way, it might be worth trying to fix the relationship at this point.

So like others have said, it's just growing pains. It's time to grow up, and quick. It's not going to be easy, but it can be done. Good luck!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Questions
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WHAT DO I DO NOW?
get a job , it brings in income and you both have space from eachother. its claustrophobic being in eachothers company to much. so get a hobby - go for a jog or walk. get your thinking cells working.

IS IT BAD TO WANT TO LEAVE?
no its not bad. on my first, things were so tense we split up for 10 months. i didnt know i was pregnant. but pregnancy hormones are to be desired. i wondered why i criticised so much.
n e way we spent that time kinda courting again. not c in eachother everyday , so we kinda stopped getin on eachothers nerves. after my son was born we managed to sort ourselves out. 

IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL AFRAID?
yes its very normal what your feeling and its very normal for her to have her feelings. but at the same time she cant walk all over you. 

I OVERREACTING IN THINKING SHE SHOULD WORK?
being pregnant already, some employers are concerned about taking on an already pregnant lady, what with litigation. but she might be able to get a job thats kinda easy, until she get bigger. the pregnancy wil get heavier and harder to move. then you might be able to claim something from the state. employers are sceptical and its also their business sense not to employ a pregnant woman. . so it might all be on you and this isnt your girls fault or your fault.. its just the way the system is, but it doesnt hurt her looking , atleast you can say you tried.


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