# Asked my husband to move out temporarily, when should I have him come home?



## Morherof3

My husband and I have been married for a little over seven years. We have a five-year-old and twins that are 2. I've recently asked him to move out temporarily because his anger issues have gotten so bad that I can't take it anymore. He yells at me in front of the kids and has no filter when it comes to his anger and what he says when he's angry. He knows this is a problem and after it happens, he is always sorry and always apologizes and says he'll try harder. Except nothing ever changes. He can be very verbally abusive when he gets mad and he tells me how he goes to white hot mad about things in about 2 seconds and feels like he has no control. We've been through counseling, but it hasn't seemed to help much because in the past he's always said if I didn't do ________, then he wouldn't get so mad. He now owns most of the problem, but still can't seem to get things together. I'm afraid of things never changing and our kids growing up with that example. Other than his anger (which is HUGE) he is a good man and father. If we could just get through this, I know things would be so much better. I don't want a divorce, I just need this to stop. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how long is long enough to be apart and/or when should I allow him to come home. He's been researching ways to deal with his anger and knows he needs to get it under control, so I'm encouraged by this, but I just need some advice. Can anyone help?


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## Acoa

He admits to getting so angry he can't control himself. That is dangerous for you and your kids. He needs to figure that out. Has he ever gotten physical?

Getting so angry you can't control yourself is not normal. I'm surprised his therapist didn't recommend he see a shrink. You may want to make that condition for coming back home. Assume he has some undiagnosed psychiatric condition and ask him to visit a psychiatrist at least 4 times. Ask him to give that psychiatrist permission to talk to you, then you visit that psychiatrist to talk about his anger problem is one that can be safely managed.

Once you understand what can be done to safely manage his anger condition, ask him to implement those steps prior to moving back in.


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## Unique Username

You and the kids need counseling to deal with his anger and the changes that are happening.

I would say that until he has implemented successful coping skills & behavior modification to change his anger management issues then he can't come home. His anger management counselor and yours will be good indicators of whether it is "safe" for him to come home.

this thread may have some useful tips... 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/95721-emotional-abuse.html


I truly hope for the mending of your family and I will add yours to my prayer list.


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## harrybrown

Has your husband achieved any success with his temper? Has his counselor stated that he is making progress? (I sure hope he is seeing a counselor) What are the issues that make him lose his temper? When he has made some progress, that may be the time to consider moving back home.


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## PBear

After he's completed an anger management program and demonstrated that's he's got things under control. 

C
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## Morherof3

Acoa said:


> He admits to getting so angry he can't control himself. That is dangerous for you and your kids. He needs to figure that out. Has he ever gotten physical?


He has never gotten physical so I guess he must have some control


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## noas55

Speaking as a man who had anger issues. I never hit my wife or kids until years 8-10 of marriage. It took my wife leaving with the 2 kids (ages S7 S9) before I woke up. I got counseling and my anger was under control for 10 years (5 years ago) Never hit or abused , but became verbal to kids as they pushed my buttons.
Now over that issue, but I am now going through separation and we are working on R but I have now learned that my anger issues actually went back to my childhood. So more therapy for me.
My wife is trying as well as I to save our 24 + year marriage.

I have never blamed her for either separation. I admit my guilt and have gone as far as forgiving her. 

Please please listen. He needs help. As the children get older, they will be at risk simply due to the extra stress on your husband as well as the kids stand up for themselves. You are here asking. We are telling you. I am telling you as an abusive husband/father. You will NEVER forgive yourself if he does hurt you or the kids after seeking our help. He needs to find out what his triggers are and begin working on those ASAP


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## Morherof3

Thanks everyone and Especially noas55, for sharing. It's nice to hear from someone who is in my husbands shoes who is working toward fixing things. We've actually had some break-throughs the last couple of days and he is getting help. He doesn't want to be this way and it took me asking him to leave for him to realize how bad things really were and to take full responsibility that this is his issue. I'm very hopeful that this can be fixed, but we are staying apart for now and will evaluate as he meets with a counselor and works through his issues.


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## Allltuvx

That is great he is getting help. I hope it is the anger management program that is tailored to the issue of anger. And he is working hard on it.

He takes full responsibility which is great - no blaming you or anything.

The separation will let you evaluate more objectively and wait out how things are going with his getting help and show him you are very serious about this.


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## mablenc

Don't have him come back until you are 100% you see progress. When you do, let him know its his last chance.
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## mablenc

His counseler can help you with this too, he can see if your husband is ready or not.
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## angstire

Morherof3 said:


> He has never gotten physical so I guess he must have some control


He does. Anger can be controlled. Angry people will say it's the other person's fault or they lose control, but they don't.

Control is stopping at yelling and not going further, to breaking things, calling names, profanity, hitting, etc.

The fact that an angry person has a line they don't cross, means they have a level of control. They need to work on intervening themselves when they are angry and slowing it down before they get hurtful.

Here's a link with a couple of quizzes to check out

ANGEResources: Introduction


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