# How to address an issue with your partner?



## digsby (May 13, 2010)

I need my boyfriend to know I think lately there has been a lot of distance between us, that he is acting coldly towards me, but I don't want to sound nagging, especially because he is not good at taking criticism. I want him to know I am not putting the whole blame on him and that I understand he's not going through a very nice time at the moment (he resents his job, for example) and I don't want to sound as though I am only thinking about myself. 
Thanks in advance for your replies, I am really hurting at the moment because of this tense atmosphere between me and him .


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I would suggest you plan some time together where you can have the space to sit down and talk about it without interruption. And try to phrase it in a way that doesn't place blame - use the whole "I feel" statements...I feel like we're distant, I know that you are under a lot of stress at work, I feel like things are really tense between us and I would really like for things to change. Is there anything I can do to help you? What do you need from me? Ask him, what do you think I am saying to make sure he heard what you had to say...

Before this give him a big hug, maybe a couple during the time span of the day before you talk. And if he doesn't respond right away or doesn't know what to say, let him have the time he needs to process but make him promise to get back to you within a couple of days. Guys sometimes take awhile to process things.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

A phrase I've heard (and used) is "I'm feeling disconnected from you," might be something good as a conversation opener. Then you can see where the conversation goes. I would try to focus on one or two things, not a whole huge list, because that will put him on the defensive. Use the time to start a series of talks about what's going on in a non-judgemental way. Good luck.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

digsby said:


> ...especially because he is not good at taking criticism...


There in lies the whole trick. Don't make him feel criticized. Most people really don't like to be criticized. So approach it with YOUR desire to make the two of you closer. See how he thinks YOU may be able to help the two of you gt closer.

Hopefully from there it can become a conversation. Avoid "YOU NEVER DO ... ANYMORE" instead get to the same arena by using "I used to love it when we did... would you like to do that again?"


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

May I suggest the approach from nonviolent communication?
Nonviolent Communication: Effective Communication Skills and Communication Training
It would basically go like this:

1. Make an observation (make sure this is objective observation and be specific, and not evaluation or judgement) - "In the past 2 weeks, we have either hugged or kissed only 3 times, and we used to do it 3-4 times daily, etc" make sure that it's something you saw, heard, etc, NOT "you have been cold to me lately", which would be an evaluation/judgement.
2. Express your own feelings - i.e. "I feel sad", "I feel hurt", "I feel insecure", etc
3. Express what needs of yours are not met - "I feel sad/hurt/etc because my need for intimacy/companionship/security/etc is not being met". Make sure that these are your needs.
4. Make a request, NOT demand - "Would you be willing to hug me daily, even when you don't feel like it?" 

It's basically expressing your needs that are not being met to cause you discomfort without making any evaluation/judgement of the situation and making a request to help to meet your unmet needs.

I wish you the best!!!


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