# My heart is torn



## 351448 (Sep 25, 2021)

Hello 
My name is Heather D. I.am 41 years old and married. I have been with my husband for 2 years been married one year on December 1st 2021. My son is 16 years old and his dad was only in his life until he was a year old ...it was a very bad situation for both of us. I dated off and on through the years. When I met my husband Will..I fell madly in love ...everyone else said they saw lots of red flags & they were right . But I continued to stay with him ..no matter what he has put me through I have always taken him back . He had pretty much lied to me about everything and every lie he told I had faith in him still. He haseven cheated on me with 2 different women. And I never would have ever put up with this before. And he is the best I've ever had . No one makes me feel like he has. He is very jealous of anyone else that takes time away from him & I . My son was just use to having most 100% of my attention until I met my husband. My husband several times called my son a ***** and he needs to grow up. Then he told him 2 wks ago that he was going to tear him.up and beat the **** out of my son. I told my husband to leave I kicked him out . When he told my son he was a ***** and going to beat the **** out of him..my son grabbed a unloaded gun and sat on the couch with it and told my husband to get out of the house. I called the police & told them.what happened to make a report . I did not hear from.my husband until 2 days ago...he is trying to apologize to my son and me telling us how much he loves us and wants me back. My son says if I go back to.him when he turns 18 he will leave and have no contact with me ever again . Of course I love my son with all my heart and I'm putting him.first. But I'm still in love with my husband I know I shouldn't be but I'm still in love and miss him . But everyone thinks I'm crazy...last year when we were apart for 2 wks I told his sister everything that happened..when he found out he said I thought about having you beat up but I changed my mind because I love you too much. He is bipolar and can get a bad temper. I need advice asap !! Thank you


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Your heart will heal, but only without this asshole of a husband.

You know it’s the best thing for you and your son.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to the people who know you and move on. He’s another police report waiting to happen and who knows what bad (potentially really bad) things will be in that report. Don’t tempt fate.


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## 351448 (Sep 25, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Listen to the people who know you and move on. He’s another police report waiting to happen and who knows what bad (potentially really bad) things will be in that report. Don’t tempt fate.


Thank you ! Appreciate the advice


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Don’t do this to your son, this guy is terrible.

Alternatively, you can lose your son forever, and this terrible husband will leave you eventually as well. Let’s face it, he’s been trying to leave you for other women anyway. Your 40s are supposed to be amazing!


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Please, please don't do this to your son. You are all he has in the world, don't take his world away from him.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

As much as this might seem like a dilemma, it's really pretty straightforward. Your safety and the safety of your son takes priority. Your husband has shown you his true self. Believe him.

If you haven't reported these occurrences to the police, you should, if for no other reason to establish a pattern. 


On another note, if you used your real name and that of your husband, it's best that you remove them to maintain some anonymity. 

Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Heather Dawn said:


> ...no matter what he has put me through I have always taken him back .
> 
> He had pretty much lied to me about everything and every lie he told I had faith in him still. He haseven cheated on me with 2 different women.
> 
> ...


Based on ^^this^^ I feel compelled to ask you just what is so great about your husband that you'd want to stay with him. He lies. He cheats. He's threatened your son. Now he's threatened to have you"beat up,"

REALLY, what the hell is wrong with YOU? I wouldn't waste my time with this sort of man. He's toxic. You say he's bipolar. Has he been formally diagnosed? If so, is he willing to take medication for his illness?

I don't get it. I just don't. There is nothing about this man that shows decency, integrity, or maturity. Waste your time if you wish, but you asked for opinions. You need to get into serious therapy to determine why you have no self-esteem and are willing to tolerate this crap.


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## 351448 (Sep 25, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Based on ^^this^^ I feel compelled to ask you just what is so great about your husband that you'd want to stay with him. He lies. He cheats. He's threatened your son. Now he's threatened to have you"beat up,"
> 
> REALLY, what the hell is wrong with YOU? I wouldn't waste my time with this sort of man. He's toxic. You say he's bipolar. Has he been formally diagnosed? If so, is he willing to take medication for his illness?
> 
> I don't get it. I just don't. There is nothing about this man that shows decency, integrity, or maturity. Waste your time if you wish, but you asked for opinions. You need to get into serious therapy to determine why you have no self-esteem and are willing to tolerate this crap.


Than you for the the advice .


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm with your son on this one. If your douchebag of a H ever lays a hand on him, I hope your son blows your H's brains all over your furniture in front of you and then makes you clean it up. 

Your son is in his right to walk away from you and never speak to you again if you allow this person to harm and torment him. 

If a mother ever allows anyone to harm her child, she needs to go to prison as well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The gun wasn’t loaded. There might have been a different outcome if it had been. Years ago a friend told me a story of an acquaintance who had a teenage son, her only child, and had recently remarried. The stepfather resented the son. One night during a heated argument the son grabbed a loaded shotgun (which the stepfather had brought with him when he moved in “for protection”). The stepfather died and the son did time for manslaughter.

Don't let him back in your life. You’re asking for trouble if you do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Heather Dawn said:


> And he is the best I've ever had .


If this is the best you can do, it's time to give up men and get some cats.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Heather Dawn said:


> . But everyone thinks I'm crazy..


Loving and wanting to be with a man that torments and threatens and abuses your children is not crazy - it is evil.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Heather Dawn said:


> Hello
> My name is Heather D. I.am 41 years old and married.* I have been with my husband for 2 years been married one year on December 1st 2021. *My son is 16 years old and his dad was only in his life until he was a year old ...it was a very bad situation for both of us. I dated off and on through the years. When I met my husband Will..I fell madly in love ...everyone else said they saw lots of red flags & they were right . But I continued to stay with him ..no matter what he has put me through I have always taken him back . He had pretty much lied to me about everything and every lie he told I had faith in him still. He haseven cheated on me with 2 different women. And I never would have ever put up with this before. And he is the best I've ever had . No one makes me feel like he has. He is very jealous of anyone else that takes time away from him & I . My son was just use to having most 100% of my attention until I met my husband. My husband several times called my son a *** and he needs to grow up. Then he told him 2 wks ago that he was going to tear him.up and beat the *** out of my son. I told my husband to leave I kicked him out . When he told my son he was a **** and going to beat the **** out of him..my son grabbed a unloaded gun and sat on the couch with it and told my husband to get out of the house. I called the police & told them.what happened to make a report . I did not hear from.my husband until 2 days ago...he is trying to apologize to my son and me telling us how much he loves us and wants me back. My son says if I go back to.him when he turns 18 he will leave and have no contact with me ever again . Of course I love my son with all my heart and I'm putting him.first. But I'm still in love with my husband I know I shouldn't be but I'm still in love and miss him . But everyone thinks I'm crazy...last year when we were apart for 2 wks I told his sister everything that happened..when he found out he said I thought about having you beat up but I changed my mind because I love you too much. He is bipolar and can get a bad temper. I need advice asap !! Thank you


I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you know what you need to do. Everyone has already given you great advice, but I want to ask you one question... Why the rush to get married? 

You've known this man for only 2 years, the honeymoon is barely over and he's already cheated multiple times?! WTF! Please don't sacrifice your relationship with your son for this asshat. I'd never speak to you again if I were him. 

If he's already done all of this crap, what else is he capable of?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Sounds like you married Chad instead of the nice guy who was pursuing you and would have been a stable predictable guy without all the bs.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You don't have the right to subject your minor child to this kind of situation. It's that simple.

If this bloke is really the best you've ever had, you need to give up on men, because your picker is broken beyond repair.

You know that if you stay with your husband we'll be hearing about police finding your body on the evening news right?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

My advice to you is to grab your son and run, and don't look back. Your husband is an abuser, and you and your son deserve much better. Choose your son and happiness, and someday, find someone who treats you with the respect that you deserve.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Are we so little, _Oh Lord_, that it is the *Devil* that towers over us, and owns us, so fully, and so foully?


_Mabel-_


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## 351448 (Sep 25, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I'm with your son on this one. If your douchebag of a H ever lays a hand on him, I hope your son blows your H's brains all over your furniture in front of you and then makes you clean it up.
> 
> Your son is in his right to walk away from you and never speak to you again if you allow this person to harm and torment him.
> 
> If a mother ever allows anyone to harm her child, she needs to go to prison as well.


I would never let my son be hurt . You yourself have some issues it sounds like .


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## 351448 (Sep 25, 2021)

manowar said:


> Sounds like you married Chad instead of the nice guy who was pursuing you and would have been a stable predictable guy without all the bs.


Who was this nice guy pursuing me? Don't even know who that would be


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Heather. said:


> I would never let my son be hurt . You yourself have some issues it sounds like .


He doesn’t have issues, he’s speaking the truth. I had a mum just like you who was good at throwing insults at people, especially us kids when we dared to nicely and gently ask her about how she could let certain things happen to us. Ah! How dare we speak the truth!


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

the guys you put in the friendzone.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Heather. said:


> Hello
> My name is Heather D. I.am 41 years old and married. I have been with my husband for 2 years been married one year on December 1st 2021. My son is 16 years old and his dad was only in his life until he was a year old ...it was a very bad situation for both of us. I dated off and on through the years. When I met my husband Will..I fell madly in love ...everyone else said they saw lots of red flags & they were right . But I continued to stay with him ..no matter what he has put me through I have always taken him back . He had pretty much lied to me about everything and every lie he told I had faith in him still. He haseven cheated on me with 2 different women. And I never would have ever put up with this before. And he is the best I've ever had . No one makes me feel like he has. He is very jealous of anyone else that takes time away from him & I . My son was just use to having most 100% of my attention until I met my husband. My husband several times called my son a *** and he needs to grow up. Then he told him 2 wks ago that he was going to tear him.up and beat the *** out of my son. I told my husband to leave I kicked him out . When he told my son he was a **** and going to beat the **** out of him..my son grabbed a unloaded gun and sat on the couch with it and told my husband to get out of the house. I called the police & told them.what happened to make a report . I did not hear from.my husband until 2 days ago...he is trying to apologize to my son and me telling us how much he loves us and wants me back. My son says if I go back to.him when he turns 18 he will leave and have no contact with me ever again . Of course I love my son with all my heart and I'm putting him.first. But I'm still in love with my husband I know I shouldn't be but I'm still in love and miss him . But everyone thinks I'm crazy...last year when we were apart for 2 wks I told his sister everything that happened..when he found out he said I thought about having you beat up but I changed my mind because I love you too much. He is bipolar and can get a bad temper. I need advice asap !! Thank you


You are the sole adult responsible for your son, you have to show some responsibility and make your son's safety a priority so that he doesn't get hurt by this POS that you call your husband. It is irresponsible to think of bringing back the man who threatened your son, because your son's life is in danger. 
You have no right of hesitating a single second when your son's life and wellbeing are threatened by this dangerous man. 
Think and act like a responsible mother and adult. In your post I only see an irresponsible and immature woman asking for validation and encouragement to take back this POS, and getting defensive and aggressive as people repeatedly warn her against her foolishness.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So you brought a man into your house who has introduced violence into it and into your sons life. You are gonna lose your son, basically because you are lonely.

Sorry I am not going to be nice to you. This is way too close to my life, and I wish someone would have said to my Mom what I am going to say to you.

Wake the F up lady!

Yes my Mom was like you. I also had a fight with my abusive Step-Father when I was 16, I moved out when I was 18 same exact reason. Ended up living in a city on my own at the age of 20. I am proud of that, I was a special kind of person that I was able to just move to a city on my own, but it was not easy on me.

Honestly it doesn't matter if you love that guy or not, you are gonna lose you Son and probably your Grandchildren too. Even if you don't you may lose your Son's trust and respect. Don't assume that years later after you and abusive husband finally divorce, which you will, just like my Mom, don't assume all will be well again. There will be a huge amount of damage. There already is damage now. Don't assume that you haven't already started your Son down a much harder path buy introducing instability into his home life. For me, I couldn't wait to get out.

Honestly you are grown adult women, you know exactly what you should do but you are acting like a high school girl with a crush, because you are desperate and lonely. Look their are lots of women like you who pick the wrong men, but it's a lot worse when they bring those men into their kids life. Already you have made your sons early adult life a challenge so much so that he probably will cut you off. I don't blame him.

When my Mother told me she was marrying my step-father at age 11, I cried. I knew it was a big mistake. And it played out through most of my teen years.
For what? Love?! You will be in love with him for about one more year or two once your son is gone, your family is fed up and your husband continues to cheat on you (which he will). Then the love will be gone but the legacy of your poor choices won't be. 

Thing is my Mom was very pretty and a high school and collage home coming queen, all the single guys liked her. She had choices. If my stepfather had just been decent to my Mom I wouldn't have cared, and would have grown to love him for it But she always picked bad men because her father died when she was 5. We both bared the brunt of it. 

You will get over it like every single adult person who was mature enough to know that someone was bad for them and brakes up. Your not special, this isn't Romeo and Juliet, it's just someone who's picker is broken who can't let go of a jerk because they are lonely. Go get some counseling if you are having trouble.

Then again this guy has a gun right so you never know, I suspect if your Son was upset enough to point a gun the arguments are pretty bad already. I can remember that kind of stuff almost every night, while I stewed in my room. He has already introduced violence into yours and everyone's life or should I say you did that by bring an abuse stranger into it.

It's one thing to knowingly let someone abuse you, which is already immoral. But to let them abuse your son too, shame on you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Heather. said:


> I would never let my son be hurt . You yourself have some issues it sounds like .


You already did! Your son pointed a gun at someone. You don't think that is going to traumatize him, you don't think that already changed him? And you are still pining away trying to figure out how to reestablish that dynamic. WAKE UP!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Heather. said:


> I would never let my son be hurt . You yourself have some issues it sounds like .


The statement "I would never let my son be hurt" is already wrong. Your son is being hurt, he is being emotionally damaged and emotionally bullied.

Watching you be treated like **** skews his perception of how to treat women, and makes him lose respect for you. The threats and name calling scare him and teaches him that might makes right. 

Think about the long term implications to your son, and to your mental and physical health. If you truly want to be a good mother and protect your son from further damage you need to divorce your husband.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Heather. said:


> I would never let my son be hurt . You yourself have some issues it sounds like .


My issue is I think people that allow their children to be harmed so they can have orgasms don’t deserve to have children and don’t deserve to have the title of mother. 

I have a million times more respect for mothers that pack up the kids and live in a cardboard box under a bridge to get away from a shthead than I do people that stay and subject their kids to torment and harm just because they think the abusers are sexy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> *The gun wasn’t loaded*. There might have been a different outcome if it had been. Years ago a friend told me a story of an acquaintance who had a teenage son, her only child, and had recently remarried. The stepfather resented the son. One night during a heated argument the son grabbed a loaded shotgun (which the stepfather had brought with him when he moved in “for protection”). The stepfather died and the son did time for manslaughter.
> 
> Don't let him back in your life. You’re asking for trouble if you do.


A lot of people have died from guns that "weren't loaded". My combat Marine Dad taught me to assume every gun is loaded, only point one at something you intend killing. Under circumstances, for everyone's sake, please put the weapons in a gun safe under lock and key or better yet remove them from premises, put ammo in another location, keep the key outside of the home. The last thing you need with the rest of your drama is a death.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The reason you can’t get anyone better than this piece of crap is because you yourself are of such low quality and desperate and pathetic. 

If you can work in yourself and raise yourself up and be a decent person and parent yourself, then maybe a decent man will have you. 

But a woman that brings an abusive douchebag into her child’s life because she’s desperate and cares more about her own orgasms than her child’s safety and well being??? 

Nope. No decent man is going to touch that with a ten foot pole.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I want to share something that I have seen firsthand in regards to women who allow their boyfriends to torment and abuse their children.

When those children grow and leave the day they turn 18 (assuming they don’t run away and become strippers or hookers or drug addicts) they disregard their abusers and basically put them out of their minds and chalk them up to just being azzholes and never speak of them again. 

But the resentment and bitterness and anger that they carry towards the parent that allowed them to be harmed lasts a lifetime. 

Your son will put this douchebag out of his mind the day he leaves. 

But his resentment and disdain and disgust that he will feel towards YOU may last a lifetime if you do not turn around and start caring about him this very minute.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I was in your son's shoes for years but was too small to do anything about it. I left her at 13 to live with my grandparents because she went back to a monster.

I eventually moved back with her but she pulled a fast one and got back with the monster when we had moved a long way from our hometown.

I ended up nearly killing him at age 14 for strangling and trying to rape my 13 year old sister.

I was on top of him and my knife was ready to go right into his heart when my mother screamed 

I let him go and go he did.

It took years to repair our relationship and a lot of work on her part.

Don't put your son through this.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Buy some bullets for that gun.

I assume you know how to use it?

If not, learn. Your son, too.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

How long after you got with him did you find out he has bipolar? Is that why you excused the cheating or was it because he is phenomenal in bed?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you’re dealing with crazy, sometimes it’s kill or be killed. Keep that in mind when you’re tempted to let him back in your life. No one wakes up one morning and thinks they will be facing a situation of literally life or death in their own home but it happens in the blink of an eye and more often than people think. I’m sure the woman I referenced in my post above never dreamed things would get bad enough that her husband would end up dead and her son would be convicted of manslaughter but it happened. And it wouldn’t have happened if she had made a different decision. But she didn’t. You still can.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Then the love will be gone but the legacy of your poor choices won't be.


Very profound and prophetic statement.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

not to make light of your story, but next time make sure your gun is loaded.
you (and your son) have to be prepared to actually use the gun, otherwise do not bring it out.


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## lund (Sep 16, 2021)

Heather. said:


> I would never let my son be hurt .


You already did. You also talk about how "everyone" thinks you're crazy for wanting him back - I don't, I think you're selfish and irresponsible. That's why good men don't want you and bad men do. Take that guy back and it will end with you dead or in hospital, him dead, in hospital or behind bars, and your son dead, in hospital, alive but out of your life for good, or behind bars facing an assault, manslaughter or even murder charge. All for what? Because he's good in bed? Because you get something out of being mistreated/the latent threat of violence? Because you can't stand being single even for five seconds? A good man will be repelled by how you treat your son. A bad man will love it because he'll realize as long as you orgasm or whatever he can do whatever he wants. Your problems with men are self-inflicted, your problems with your son are self-inflicted, and if when your husband leaves you for someone younger you wind up alone because your son is out of your life and views it as his duty as a parent to keep his children away from you, your being all alone will be self-inflicted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Heather.

The strong attraction you are feeling for him is basically caused by hormones... mostly oxytocin. It's the bonding hormone. A good example is it's function in child birth. When a woman gives birth, her body produces a flood of oxytocin and floods the brain with it. This is why women bond strongly to their baby to birth. Oxytocin is also often called the amnesia hormone because it makes the person forget both physical and emotional pain. This is why women sort of forget the pain of childbirth. We know it was painful however, if oxytocin did not blunt the memory of how awful the pain was, no woman would ever have a second child.

This ties into how oxytocin works in a relationship. When a couple first gets together and has that over the moon 'in love' feeling, it's caused by both their bodies producing huge quantities of oxytocin and their brains uptaking it. Another hormone that this causes to increase is dopamine. So basically a couple who is in love, infatuated, is high as a kite on feel-good, bonding hormones. Because of the dopamine, it's also a lot like a meth high. Add to that the amnesia effect and you get what you are experiencing... you brain is glossing over all the bad that he's doing. It's like you have amnesia and cannot feel the the true depth of the pain and abuse he's dishing out.

This high/infatuation/crazy-in-love lasts for 18 to 24 months. After that period, the body's production & uptake of Oxytocin & dopamine start dropping off. The couple enters the "mature love" phase. At that point you start to be able to recognize the true nature of the person you have been infatuated with. This is why no couple should be married before at least 24 months of dating. A huge percentage of relationships fall apart shortly after that 18-24 month period because suddenly reality hits them and they finally can see/recognize who the other person really is.

You are stuck in the infatuation period of your relationship. Every time you see him, talk to him, think of him, etc your body starts producing/uptaking oxytocin and dopamine. It feels very very good. So you seek that out... that high feels very good.

So how do you break this cycle? You have to stop all contact with him. Stop thinking of him. Get very busy and get on with your life. At some point the thought, sight, etc. of him will no longer trigger your bonding hormones. When you get to that point you will wonder what the hell was wrong with you and what did you see in this toxic/dangerous man.

Research has shown that women who were raised in abusive families and/or who were in a previous bad relationship have altered oxytocin production/uptake. What I mean by that is that their bodies over produce oxytocin when they are in a bad relationship. The studies I've read think that it's the body/brain's way of protecting the woman from the abuse. But it has the effect of numbing her to the abuse and makes it so the woman cannot think straight and sticks around for more abuse. The more abuse, the more oxytocin & dopamine.

You need to break this cycle. If you don't you will stay in this mess as long as he's willing play games with you. You will lose your son over this. No man is worth losing your son over. At this point, your son is lucky that the gun was not loaded and that the police believed his story. He could have been taken away from you and/or charged with a crime.

Protect your son. Be a mother bear and protect your son. And stay away from that creep you are married to. Give yourself time to heal and for your body to get out of the oxytocin/dopamine cycle.


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