# Wife upset about xbox live friend



## Merch99 (Oct 23, 2011)

What's up fellas,
First let me say thanks in advance for your time and insight to my issue. Now lets begin with a bit of my marriage history. This is our 4th yr of marriage and we have 1 child together. Fair share of ups and downs like most of you, but still able to work through our issues like adults. Well moments ago my wife was playing in my phone and stumbled (so she says) across an old text that was sent to me from a gaming buddy on xbox live. Normally I don't allow her in my phone since a simple text can be misunderstood as something more. My buddy (which is a woman who lives in Canada btw) offered me her number via xbl and I accepted it, since we've been playing the same game since 2010. We exchanged 1 pic of each other (wife did not see the pic cuz I deleted it! I know better!). Anyway in the text msg she gave me a compliment on my eyes and I told her that her's weren't too bad either. Then I told her to go back to watching the movie with her bf before he gets mad LOL. When she found the msg in my history she got upset and told me that I'm having an affair! WTF! She knows when I get on xbox live and play, I play with people from all walks of life, men and women alike. What pisses me off about this situation is that I'm not doing anything, today is the first day she gave me her # out of 1.5 yrs of gaming with her, she knows I'm married and she has a man and lives in Canada! I don't want any drama over this petty issue. I've always been fair about my wife having male friends, not that it's ever been an issue since I'm not the insecure or jealous type. But I'm not stupid either. Another reason this pisses me off is that not too long ago she got to hang out with one of her co workers (well not really he just works in the parking lot) and she told me of their friendship and I respected that and allowed him to come over for dinner occasionally. Now I know for a fact that there is now way in hades that I could nor would I bring a "female" friend over for dinner with my family cuz I know my wife would flip out. Sorry for ranting...I'm interested in knowing your thoughts on this petty issue. I've offered to delete the number and tell my friend that we cant contact one another via text msg but only through xbox live. Let me be clear, it not like I play with her daily or have long conversations through xbox live in party chat. Strictly gaming. Thanks again for your insight and wisdom on this topic.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Disclaimer: Hey, don't forget that you asked for opinions.

A short answer doesn't work for me, so sorry. You're young, but I'm going to assumed that your intention is to stay married for a long time. See, right now, you're telling yourself that everything in marriage is fair when it comes to sex and outside interests in either you or your wife. Well, once the thirties hit, things change. Lets say for the sake of argument that you decide that you want to follow up with this gaming buddy or any other woman out there, and turn it into an affair in your late thirties. We'll, maybe you'll get a hit or two. Well, guess what? Let's say your wife wants to do the same thing. 10,000 guys will line up to have an affair with her. More if she posts her interest outside her subdivision.

Given that really scary vision of the future, I'd suggest that you say the following: "Yes, Ma'am. I will never, ever talk to this woman again." Make sure you are putting lighter fluid on your phone as you do it, and the match is ready to strike. As a result, you've set a precedent of cutting off any friendship the moment someone tries to take it further. Write the precedent in stone, and show it to your wife the next 10,000 times text buddies ask her to send pictures of her breasts.

Just my two cents. And sorry for the lighthearted approach, but you sound like someone who really wants to do the right thing. However, the first years of the marriage are a great period to set firm expectations.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is your wife. If it matters to her, it should matter to you, regardless of what people on TAM say is right or wrong. You should show remorse and regret for the pain you have caused her. 

And, for what it's worth, for a man to have an independent recreational activity that involves 1x1 contact with another woman is not in any way good for a marriage. So, IMO your wife is completely justififed.

If you care about your wife's sexual attraction to you, as a grown man and father, you should not be playing x-box anyway... That is a childish activity and wives are not sexually attracted to this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You are harming your marriage in ways I don't think you even understand.

Get off Xbox and stop flirting with other women.
Apologize to your wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

A great rule to live by is this: If you wouldn't do it in front of your wife, then it is wrong. Just by your admission that you knew there were things in your phone that would be upsetting to her, you admitted that you were over a line.

Now, let's be honest with each other here. We all know that it is inappropriate for married people to exchange photos with other people. Have any of your male buddies (gaming or otherwise) ever sent you pictures of themselves? Have any of them commented on your eyes? C'mon... you know that she is right on this one.

Affairs are not black and white in nature, and you don't have to be having sex with someone to be involved in an affair. In fact, you can easily have an affair with someone you have never met face to face. It's called an "Emotional Affair" and it accounts for the lion's share of all affairs. If left unchecked, they can get out of control and cross over into a blatant sexual affair. The fact that you are both interested in the x-box games is just one common thread you share. What else will you discover that you have in common. Just what has already happened has crossed the line and I think that if you search yourself, you will agree.

If you feel like you have to keep secrets, in your phone or otherwise, then you aren't doing something right. If MY wife kept me out of her phone, restricted me from her email (Which I don't ever look at, but could if I wanted to) or was not where she said she was going to be, it would DEFINITELY send up a red flag for me... but then again, I have been the victim of an affair she had and I have developed extreme opinions since that time. At one point, I probably thought about it more like you... It's just a picture of a gaming friend I will never meet in person from a million miles away... Now I ask myself if it could be hurtful to her or "misunderstood". If so, then it doesn't happen. 

Trust, my friend is something that is SO hard to get and so EASY to destroy. Once you have lost trust, believe me, it isn't eager to return, and more often than not, it NEVER fully gets restored!

Good luck


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Merch99 said:


> What's up fellas,
> First let me say thanks in advance for your time and insight to my issue. Now lets begin with a bit of my marriage history. This is our 4th yr of marriage and we have 1 child together. Fair share of ups and downs like most of you, but still able to work through our issues like adults. Well moments ago my wife was playing in my phone and stumbled (so she says) across an old text that was sent to me from a gaming buddy on xbox live. Normally I don't allow her in my phone since a simple text can be misunderstood as something more. My buddy (which is a woman who lives in Canada btw) offered me her number via xbl and I accepted it, since we've been playing the same game since 2010. We exchanged 1 pic of each other (wife did not see the pic cuz I deleted it! I know better!). Anyway in the text msg she gave me a compliment on my eyes and I told her that her's weren't too bad either. Then I told her to go back to watching the movie with her bf before he gets mad LOL. When she found the msg in my history she got upset and told me that I'm having an affair! WTF! She knows when I get on xbox live and play, I play with people from all walks of life, men and women alike. What pisses me off about this situation is that I'm not doing anything, today is the first day she gave me her # out of 1.5 yrs of gaming with her, she knows I'm married and she has a man and lives in Canada! I don't want any drama over this petty issue. I've always been fair about my wife having male friends, not that it's ever been an issue since I'm not the insecure or jealous type. But I'm not stupid either. Another reason this pisses me off is that not too long ago she got to hang out with one of her co workers (well not really he just works in the parking lot) and she told me of their friendship and I respected that and allowed him to come over for dinner occasionally. Now I know for a fact that there is now way in hades that I could nor would I bring a "female" friend over for dinner with my family cuz I know my wife would flip out. Sorry for ranting...I'm interested in knowing your thoughts on this petty issue. I've offered to delete the number and tell my friend that we cant contact one another via text msg but only through xbox live. Let me be clear, it not like I play with her daily or have long conversations through xbox live in party chat. Strictly gaming. Thanks again for your insight and wisdom on this topic.


Not a fella but just have to know WTF!!! why did you get her number and give her yours if you weren't intending to communicate outside of xbox live. More importantly why would you need a picture of anyone if you are just playing a freak'n game? If you are not ever planning on getting together, you don't need to know what the other person on xbox looks like. Just saying it seems a little odd?!?!? It's not too petty if you are keeping secrets and communicating under the table with another woman.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your wife is right and you are wrong. Stop playing Xbox, pay more attention to her, and do not EVER do anything again that you wouldn't want your wife to know about.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No matter how unjustified in facts your wife's concerns are, she is still concerned. What's more important to you, this game or your wife? Choose one and ditch the other.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think his wife is more than justified "I facts"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What is your attachment to this "friend" that you put your wife's happiness and marriage in jeopardy? I don't get it. Cut the friend. It's just someone online...seriously. It's not worth it. Stop with the gaming, pay attention to your wife...I don't get the whole gaming thing. How old are we? My husband plays his racing game on his day off but when we're together, we're doing things together. Sometimes we play together, but if he went off to 'game' while I'm sitting in the house by myself, we'd have issues. Just as I don't go online when he's home...unless we agree to chill and I'll be online while he races...but we're both in the garage and having a conversation with a bottle of wine.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I would like to add my experience with spouse and XBoxLive.

More than 4 years ago, my wife and I bought an XBox for our family, for fun, of course!

We used to play lots of stuff together as a family. Well, this went ok for a while, but pretty soon, XBox time started to replace true family time.

My wife liked to do lots of mini-golf, carcasonne, uno, rockband, guitar hero, etc. She started to make lots of male friends on-line. They flock to women like flies on a piece of sh*t. My wife isn't a social butterfly. She only has a few close friends (women) that live far away, rarely calls her mom and myself (when at work).

For a while it wasn't a really big deal - but when xboxlive time started to replace couple and family time. She would start to stay up late. XBoxLive memberships used to come with headsets and video cams to make gaming funner.

Anyway, there was one dude - lets call him Cylon. She told me about Cylon - real cool guy - lives in Arkansas. They played lots of games together. 

Cylon - in real life - was out of a job, loved to roll and smoke MaryJ, and would tell my wife about all the tail he could bang. He even had a long term shack-up.

They did video chats when I slept - this went on for several months. I found myself sleeping by myself, and my wife would stumble in around 2 - 2:30 am in the morning. Told me everything was platonic and good natured - except for the occasional crack from Cylon about how my wife was hot, etc as they'd exchanged pics - and chatted via Xbox webcam during gaming sessions.

There started to be some business transactions between my W and Cylon. She bought a guitar hero guitar from him to help him out of a tight money situation. Ok - fine.

Then one day, I woke up early (as I have a job to work) - she left the computer open and logged in to her MSN Live chat. I found an interesting conversation that pretty much summed up what really turned out to be an emotional affair.

This guy was supposed to be bi-polar. My wife thought she was bi-polar (she's not - maybe BPD though) and felt like he had a lot more in common with her than me. she could talk her frustrations with our marriage out with him. 

What's more - she gave him her phone number. He was calling her when I wasn't around. I found the calls as I look at the phone bill every month to determine how much business cell use I had to submit for reimbursement at work. Her and I had been married at the time for 16 years. I'm only exaggerating slightly when I say that she's actually called me during this 16 years, I could count on both hands and toes!

Then, what broke it for me, was when I found in her email folder, several receipts for gift cards and purchases sent to him. This came out of our joint account - she had a business and some money she could have spent, but this was a gift that I had no knowledge or input to until after.

I asked her to end it as it didn't look good for us. She went through the typical WW script on blame shifting and gas lighting. 

This EA got rug swept and she stays in occasional contact with him even to this day. To this day, she denies that this was an EA and will not cut contact with him.

He finally married his long-time shack-up just a few weeks ago. 

For the period from then to a few months ago, our marriage suffered for the most part from the after affects of that EA. I struggled with porn use too - that was her justification for her EA - but I found this board and got the gumption to clean out under the rug, and make sure the loose ends were tied up. 

The marriage is now better than it has been for the past 18 years. While I still resent that she wouldn't cut off her contact with Cylon at my request, I know now what my boundaries are, what her's are, and work to keep the marriage honest and moving forward. 

She had an exit plan for our marriage, more than likely as a result of the dynamics of my problem and her EA. Our marriage suffered from it too.

This, my friend, is one possible outcome of where you are at. Save yourself the heartache and pain and stop the contact with this woman. You don't owe her anything. 

Wean off the gaming too. I used to be a big gamer. The wife even doesn't mind if I game on the rare occasion to relax and blow off steam. My wife still games on FB, but games with my 13 year old daughter. While I'm not a fan of how much she games while I am home, I am thankful that she had decided to work with me on the marriage and knows how much her contribution to it is important as well as mine.

You and wife need to sit down and set some boundaries for your marriage. Be explicit on what those are and what the consequences are for crossing. Set yourself regular daily and weekly time to court each other.

I hope I didn't hijack your thread for too long, but I've been where you wife could be, if things don't change.

It really comes down to this: if your spouse asks you to do something out of respect for them: do it. don't be afraid to ask for the same respect.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes, it's all about boundaries and RESPECTING each others boundaries even if you don't want to or don't "get" their boundaries....


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

If your wife met another man on facebook or a chat room, stayed in contact for a year and a half, exchanged numbers, then exchanged pictures, complimented each other, hid the pictures from you and you only found out after finding the text in her phone, you would be as pissed as she is now, in fact, i bet you would say she is cheating & post a thread in the "Coping with infidelity" section and cause a fuss.

You are in the wrong.
You are probably having an emotional affair with this woman.
Your wife knows, she isn't stupid.
You have pretty much just given her the green light to f**k as many guys as she wants.

Stop acting innocent.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

The very fact that you had to hide picture swapping is because you *knew* it was wrong. The fact that you don't let her on your phone is because you *know* it's wrong what you are doing\did.

You had your answer. No one is going to validate your actions here.

It *IS* about boundaries and not crossing them. Marriage isn't you, your wife and your xboxlive, or your female friend from xboxlive.

Your wife is telling you that this is a boundary being crossed for her. You should be more than listening, you should be hearing it.

Continue on this path and you are going to be you and your xboxlive.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OP, I agree with others you are in the wrong, not for wanting to play a game against an anonymous player on xbl, not even for being curious about who that person was, but for flirting with her when it turned out to be a woman, inappopriate exchanges and keeping it secret from your W. If it was a dude would you have exchanged pics, numbers and complimented each other on your looks?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You are harming your marriage in ways I don't think you even understand.
> 
> Get off Xbox and stop flirting with other women.
> Apologize to your wife
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Boundaries. They do a marriage good.

Ditch the XBox buddy now. XBox is fun but also consider that this life just might be taking away from quality time with your wife. You be the judge. It can be addictive.

I suggest your wife and you do His Needs her Needs together along with the boundary setting. Discuss, define and agree to boundaries. I suggest they are equitable. Saying you are not insecure or jealous really is besides the point. It can come off as not so much being confident but as ambivalent. Your wife was being vigilant. You probably should be as well. Think about it.

If you make your marriage the number priority much of these things are pretty easy.

Good luck.


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## Merch99 (Oct 23, 2011)

My My so many replies....well now to address the opinions and some concerns that you all have mentioned. First and foremost I have apologized when the whole thing happened and told her that I would no longer contact my gaming buddy. There are no "attachments" never was and never will be. I don't flirt with women online either. My gaming has never came in between us spending time together. I've already cut all ties with my friend and kept it online only. Thanks for you opinions! I see the error in judgement.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So what was your question or dilemma?


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Merch99 said:


> My My so many replies....well now to address the opinions and some concerns that you all have mentioned. First and foremost I have apologized when the whole thing happened and told her that I would no longer contact my gaming buddy. There are no "attachments" never was and never will be.* I don't flirt with women online either.* My gaming has never came in between us spending time together. I've already cut all ties with my friend and kept it online only. Thanks for you opinions! I see the error in judgement.


Complementing on another woman's eyes in a text that you hide from your wife is not considered flirting? WOW now i have seen it all.

I appreciate that you've noticed your wrong and apologized but is that the end of it? just because you said you were sorry?

Make it up to your wife, stop getting on the xbox and every time she thinks your about to, surprise her and take her out on a date, or cook her dinner, just, make it up to her... invite her to play with you if anything, i'm sure you know what i mean by "making it up"


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## Merch99 (Oct 23, 2011)

iDeal said:


> If your wife met another man on facebook or a chat room, stayed in contact for a year and a half, exchanged numbers, then exchanged pictures, complimented each other, hid the pictures from you and you only found out after finding the text in her phone, you would be as pissed as she is now, in fact, i bet you would say she is cheating & post a thread in the "Coping with infidelity" section and cause a fuss.
> 
> You are in the wrong.
> You are probably having an emotional affair with this woman.
> ...


Almost forgot about this...First of all I'M NOT HAVING AN EA. Never have, nor do I plan to. Not the emotional type. I realize that after talking this whole situation out with her and reading your comments, my eyes are open. I can man up and understand my fault in this matter realize the need for clear boundaries that should not be crossed. thank you for your time and comments. All of your opinions have helped me out!


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## Merch99 (Oct 23, 2011)

Last post from me on this thread. I don't play when she's home (much). When I do play its normally to blow off some steam or relax playing Left 4 Dead 2. I don't go around chatting with women. It defeats the purpose of me gaming. /rant


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

Merch99 said:


> Last post from me on this thread. I don't play when she's home (much). When I do play its normally to blow off some steam or relax playing Left 4 Dead 2. I don't go around chatting with women. It defeats the purpose of me gaming. /rant


Left For Dead FTW<3 i fell in love with "Gears Of War" and my favorite is FallOut...


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## katy929 (Oct 27, 2011)

I work for xbox lol i just had to stop in when i saw the post said xbox lol

Biggest clue about the post..you deleted a picture from your phone so your wife would not see it, if there is nothing going on there you would not be worried about a picture. If you are trying to hide something that is when you start hitting the delete button. 

ok sorry to intrude on the mens section...HAPPY GAMING


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Are you sure that's her real picture? I mean, the only people I've ever "met" on Xbox live we're 12 year old trash talking gangsta wannabes. That's why I cancelled my Xbox account. Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iDeal (Oct 25, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Are you sure that's her real picture? I mean, the only people I've ever "met" on Xbox live we're 12 year old trash talking gangsta wannabes. That's why I cancelled my Xbox account. Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amen


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