# Rebound or something else?



## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

I'm in dire need of advice....I do nothing but cry my eyes out everyday and have completely lost my mind. I am almost to divorce with my 2nd husband..he moved on within weeks of leaving and found a new partner....they are doing very well. He's turned into exactly what he should have been to begin with, a good spouse. 

Things were not always like this, I met someone and started having an LDR. My soon to be ex made it hard at first, boomer-ranging between wanting her or me. I stood my ground because I knew he wouldn't change for me. In the meantime, the new guy in my life said all the right things, treated me with respect...was always there. Mind you, there were times that I tried to break it off for fear it was just a rebound, but he would get upset and tell me how much he enjoyed being a part of my life, the things I shared with him. I fell before I ever met him in real life. I finally went to visit him, it was like we had known each other for years...relaxing, peaceful, calm...I haven't felt that way in I don't know how long. I came home, we continued to chat, everything was heaven until a few weeks later....he blindsided me about some loving comments that I had made....granted, I had no idea what was going on in his personal life unless he told me. I pressed, made it about me and threatened to never speak to him again, he finally told me. It was a very big deal to him, but instead of emphathizing, I freaked......some more. We split...took us a couple of days to calm down but we needed a break. A few weeks later, we both agreed that it was killing us not to be the way we were before, but he was very hesitant to make any commitments. I went to see him again...again, even with the smoke in the air, it was good, a little more meloncholy though. 

It seems like nothing we do can hold us together. One minute we are talking about him coming to finally see me and then I finally snapped a few weeks ago and am under a doctor's care for PTSD and suicidal tendencies. The snap was related to work, kids, the divorce but also the stress from our relationship and really not knowing if I was just the stepping stone for him to get his toes wet or if I was something more.

Everyone is telling me to move on, there's no future in this man, I can't tell fantasy from reality. In the meantime, I'm working up the courage to meet a guy this weekend....only meet with a group of my friends and have made it very adamant that this is only a meet and greet...not a date. I honestly don't know if I can do it....meet this person. I've told him everything I can think of to turn him off, that I just got out of a heart-breaking relationship, that my heart is not ready for anything more than just buds and NO SEX!! In the meantime, my LDR/exLDR....whatever he labels himself as, informs me he has a blind date for dinner tomorrow night. To me, we are both throwing out deal breakers in attempts to move on, but can't get there without hurting each other. Is that a rebound? Should rebounds last for more than 5 months? I can't go to a furniture store without picturing us, I look at things I know he would like, I find memories of him in my mind and I try to suppress them, but they jump to the front of my head...anything can trigger it and I am off on a crying spell. Sometimes not even able to drag myself out of bed. I've never really had a rebound, are they really supposed to hurt this bad?

Thanks for listening.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Any support please? I've never been in an LDR, but it is also like this guy won't let me go. He will block me from his FB, messenger then text me on my phone out of the blue. But if I do not agree with his perspective, he shuts me down. :scratchhead:


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

u need to examine who u r.
u need counseling help re: this and yer divorce.

if u do not study up, u r certain to make same mistake
over n over n over, cuz u have no wisdom despite
yer recent exp.
LDR's can work but dont think odds/%'s r in yer favor.

like to gamble? go to vegas.

pro help is what i'd do, if i were u. maybe meds to help,
dunno.

peace----------wisdom---------love-------------cb45


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Thanks, I'm actually in out-patient therapy now because of the stress from this relationship bouncing all over the place as well as stress from work, have been out now for 5 weeks. Found out that I am bipolar II but meds are working now. I've been in IC since October, so I am doing a lot to work on myself (know I need to do that). This guy has done a lot to work on himself too, but somewhere it just seems that neither of elevators are hitting the top floor. On the phone or in person, we can talk with no misunderstandings, in text or IM, I can say nothing right. He will take anything I say and take it out of context then abruptly turn me off. Last night, I told him that was it, he took my words and hurled them back as if I had insulted him, which they were for clarification, not an insult. He shut me down on IM, I explained that he was looking at it not as intended and let him know that I do not appreciate nor will longer tolerate the childish behavior.
Sick and tired of being falsely accused. If I had this problem with other friends on IM and chat, then yes, there is an issue. Since the issue only seems to be with him, I believe that he has some areas he seriously needs to work on. Until then, being alone is wonderful!! :smthumbup:


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

I'm really beginning to wonder if I am bipolar or just feeling like a ping-pong ball with this guy. He's in/out....can't relate, but wants to care....a year divorced, still in love with wife. Hates me one day, wants me in his life the next.....am I the one that should be on all the drugs here for bipolar? The topics get all off center that I really don't know what he is talking about anymore, us, his ex or my ex....once I turn the topic to us....smooths right out...what is that? Now he's upset because he can't relate to my bipolar...shuts me down when I say something he doesn't like. Blocks and deletes me from everything. I finally just closed the door and lost his number. What you witnessed above is pretty much how our conversations would go....zoom, zip....flutter/flutter. I don't think it's just me, he ended the convo abruptly one evening when I asked him if he had been to counseling and diagnosed.

So, in the meantime, I've been reading up on the topic of bipolar. It really scares me that at my age, I may never find anyone who would want to put up with me due to this illness or possibly understand the illness. My hopes are that I can manage the illness over time, with the right treatment, but relapses do scare me.

My doctor thinks that I was able to mask the illness for so long due to my emotional detachment to early childhood sexual abuse and pretty much staying busy with school/work and a family. My theory is that by delving back into the sexual abuse (at the counselor's recommendation), this pushed the issue to the top so now I must be treated for it. 

It seems that the problem is that when I attempt to get back into a relationship, I become emotionally detached....most likely due to abandonment issues/bipolar/abuse. It's almost as if there is no real answer, treatment plan or a way to be happy. My emotions for that person freeze up and I feel that by giving away my position of total commitment, they will do what they can to hurt me. It's not being able to love unconditionally as you might be able to do with your children. It's more about building walls that cannot be scaled and with no doors leading in or out. 

This upsets me as I feel as though I will be alone with no true intimacy for the rest of my life. Relationships here and there, but no real emotional expression due to the fear that feeling brings. Again, this most likely being a rebound, any thoughts of this person send me over the edge, into crying jags and I know that I must be strong and push them out of my life as they are not good for me, nor I for them. Funny how I do not cry over either of my ex's.

Whether it be the rebound or the rehashing of my own childhood issues, I truly wish that I had never explored this issue....I may have had a chance at a happy life by continuing to live in my fantasy world that I am normal.

Sorry, ramblings a mad woman...the above probably on makes sense to me.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

r u on meds now? which one(s) if u dont mind my asking.

i hear good things about lithium, but there r others too,

depending what yer Dr likes/thinks/says re: yer total

condition/problem.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

cb45 said:


> r u on meds now? which one(s) if u dont mind my asking.
> 
> i hear good things about lithium, but there r others too,
> 
> ...


Depakote right now and I still do not see any significant differences than who I was before to who I am now...get in my face and I still get mad 750mg or not. I'm sorry, but that's normal. I told my doc that if he kept me on Depokote that I would go into starvation mode....would rather have lithium due to the Depakote weight gain issue (ex left claiming that skinny sex was the best..guess what...I am having skinny sex and discovered 2 more inches of penis than he had since the tool shed is gone too...lol). Also on 300 mg Wellbutrin, 1mg clonazepam and 12.5 Ambien CR. The introduction of the mood stabalizer (Depakote) had has he worst affects. I was doing well until Zoloft stopped working. The Ambien is stopping it's effects....maybe due to the Depakote...not sure...have only been on it a few weeks.

I still say that I was much better off living without a lot of this because I WAS LIVING until someone said I should see a shrink. 

I think a lot of my issues were due to PTSD and should have been managed with just anxiety meds and sleeping meds. Being in out-patient, the doc and staff saw many mood changes due to family being unaccepting to my condition.....hiding meds...etc. I was very upset, next thing I know, on Depakote...had a meltdown, was involuntarily committed to a hospital that is still paying retributions to welfare patients from the 60's for sterililzing them for being mentally ill....ok (rant over).

All in all, maybe I should have just let them commit me....do electroctronic cognitive therapy and I would have been able to forget the 7 days that I have ever had that were worth living for. A friend of mine told me that went thru this very same thing was the best thing is to get out there and do a one nighter.....thinking she might be right.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Going to go check Depakote levels today....hoping that they are high enough to get switched to the lithium.

Sat in counselor's office yesterday crying the entire hour. My life is so screwed up, I don't know why I am even here anymore other than be the object of fate's sick joke.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i wouldnt trust yer thinking or feelings under yer present
condition. 

try to picture that what u r thinking/feeling will pass w/
proper meds, time, & counseling. this will give u hope, 

and hope is what u need to survive.

_____ray:


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Thanks cb45....the doc is writing me out of work for a few more weeks.....changing my meds too...My downs are more frequent than any hyper-mania...but he still maintains that his staff sees it too. Ambien CR was starting to only give me 2 hours a night sleep, so changing to Lunesta and taking out the Depakote for Lamictol 25mg. I still stay on the Wellbutrin and the Klonopin.

I had a breakdown with my teenage son yesterday....no one's fault really, neighborhood kid got him upset so everything was my fault....I realized....it is....since my childhood...it always has been my fault....I just took it on as such.....that is where I have to move away from.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Ok, something is definitely going on with the meds...doc is taking me down off the Depakote (was on 750mg a day). Down to four a day now and will go to one a day for 2 days before switching to Lamitrol. (sp).

At any rate, I am starting to feel better....clearer thought patterns, I feel like I can comprehend and have more clarity of when applying my thought patterns. Have had less crying jags and actually feel like getting out of bed to do things.

Should I even start the other mood stabalizer? I really do think that with all the stress I was under, I had a nervous breakdown...yes, that affects your moods and your anxiety, but is that truly bipolar? I'm really beginning to wonder if we are treating the right thing.

I'm still talking to the guy I was seeing a little here and there. I'm actually feeling more confident about that situation...I know that there is nothing I can do to change it, nor is there anything that I can do to change how he perceives things. I will admit, my feelings for him hit me hard because I had not had feelings like that in over 20 years. But I think that I am strong enough and less vulnerable now to allow a man to entice me into another unhealthy relationship. True....not the best place to trust my feelings which is why going with instinct is much safer. With all these drugs in me, I can't even trust instinct.

What to do???


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sweetie, if I've ever heard of someone who needs to put aside all romantic entanglements for a while, it is you. It almost sounds like you sought a 2nd relationship b/c the guy in the first moved on and you couldn't take the pain of being alone--is that right? That's ok; it is a common mistake. Don't dwell on the past--learn from it. Do you have good female friends/family to hang with? Is there a way to ease yourself into being alone that won't frighten you so much? Being alone does NOT mean being lonely! Many people are lonely in their relationships, while many people who live alone are not lonely. 

It sounds like you've gotten great medical advice so far. Take relationships off the table until you get a good understanding of all the issues you are currently managing. You are so much more likely to find a good partner when you are mentally healthy, healed, and whole. Right now, you are extremely like to pick someone to fill gaps in yourself--not a great strategy for long term happiness. Good luck!


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Sweetie, if I've ever heard of someone who needs to put aside all romantic entanglements for a while, it is you. It almost sounds like you sought a 2nd relationship b/c the guy in the first moved on and you couldn't take the pain of being alone--is that right? That's ok; it is a common mistake. Don't dwell on the past--learn from it. Do you have good female friends/family to hang with? Is there a way to ease yourself into being alone that won't frighten you so much? Being alone does NOT mean being lonely! Many people are lonely in their relationships, while many people who live alone are not lonely.
> 
> It sounds like you've gotten great medical advice so far. Take relationships off the table until you get a good understanding of all the issues you are currently managing. You are so much more likely to find a good partner when you are mentally healthy, healed, and whole. Right now, you are extremely like to pick someone to fill gaps in yourself--not a great strategy for long term happiness. Good luck!


Well, you probably hit the nail on the head....for 20 years (5 with first husband), (15 with second) I spent almost all of my relationship with my husband's alone.....so very alone that it hurts my soul. Then I find this great guy at the wrong time. Always there, always available. In the span of a week, my daughter breaks up with her fiance, moves in with new love, my son goes to live with Dad due to issues and then this wonderful man, so I thought, is told to turn me away because I need mental help by someone who is not a mental professional.

I spent my childhood alone, being an only child...I have some friendships, but not really close because my ex didn't like me to go out anywhere. My mother does her own thing, my dad is too far away. So, I sit here, alone in a house too big for me now with just a few animals and can't help but think that I created my own hell. Is it an illness that makes people not want to be around me....why do my acquaintances tell me how great I am and wonderful I am if they didn't mean it. Smart, funny, witty, charming....these are all the things they use to describe me, but these meds and this man have changed me to nothing but a depressed mass that doesn't even want to get out of bed.

I think about what I was doing before I sought the relationship with the 2nd man when my ex left....I was doing things....getting out there with friends...etc. I blew them off for this guy, so I guess now I am being blown off? Even my doctor doesn't want me doing anything with my friends, going out to dinner might lead to a drink which will work against the meds, going out to a bar....same thing.....etc, etc. One or the other has to end....I am either allowed to just be me and work through the self-talk and keep a positive attitude while I work towards my own goals, or continue down this doctor's path until I finally find myself in the hospital going under ECT.

I really think I liked the other me better, so did my friends, so did my family and did my co-workers....I just have to get over the hump. WHAT I NEED TO STOP DOING IS LETTING OTHERS OPINIONS OF ME AFFECT MY LIFE, ESPECIALLY THOSE OF MEN WHO ARE TRYING TO CONTROL ME. Only I control me, what I give and don't give is MY choice. Coming down off the meds, I can put to use the things I have learned....with the meds, I am a mess....what should I do?


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Well, on the last single pills of the Depakote....one in the morning and one tomorrow evening. I should be starting up on the Lamitol (sp) by the day after. 

Honestly, since coming off the Depakote, I have less crying spells (I still do cry when I think of this man tho...not sure how that will heal up), and I also have some energy....got my master bathroom primed and painted...second coat tomorrow and then onto cleaning out everything that hasn't been used in 2 years....Garage Sale time this up-coming weekend.

Still noticed some highs and lows today with minimal meds, most highs are angry and directed at my work (overwhelming feeling of loss that the job cost me my family). The lows, again, mostly directed at the feeling of loss of love (not soon to be ex...but of the new guy.)

As typical, sleep patterns are disrupted.


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## Never2BLoved (May 13, 2010)

Well, meds are working...I do feel a bit stronger and more steady. Have had less crying fits....therapist was happy with progress. 

I have come to realize that yes, my "friend" was nothing more than a rebound....we probably had our last conversation tonight as I tried to show him what started our downward spiral. He has not been as supportive as he used to be (before he got the "nookie"), so I can only think that I have been a string-along for most of this. He basically says that he doesn't want to turn his back on me, but to me....how he treated me before in comparison to how he treats me now, he turned his back on me month's ago.

The thing is....I think that I am okay with that. He wasn't who I thought he was, I feel that he uses this breakdown and bipolar "stigma" as telling me that I am mean and abusive, but I am not myself. Yes, when he is saying mean things to me, I turn him off.....I went thru 15 years of that, I will not allow another man to do that to me again, I will not be manipulated by him or any man for that matter. 

My heart is mine...I take it back from all of those that have hurt me....and that is the old me talking, not the bipolar me talking.


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