# Low sex drive



## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

I have been married for 5 years and with my wife for 11 years. When we first meet are sex life was fantastic, but know a days we have sex 3 - 4 times a year. My wife used to say that she was unhappy with her weight. ( I was happy with her weight). Now my wife is down to a size 8 and wears some fantastic dresses and underwear. But I never see it on, she wears the underwear for work and goes out in some stunning dresses. Due to work hours my wife goes to bed before me and gets up early to get to work. I am worried because I would love to have sex 3-4 times a week but understand this will never happen. I'm unsure if my wife has lost all her sex drive or just lost it with me ?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If your wife's sex drive has changed and/or she has lost her desire for you, there are ways to work on that. When you talk to her about these things what does she say?

If you don't say anything and just try to initiate sex, how often do you initiate?


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

I have tried lots of things over the years. I used to go to bed at the same time as my wife, knowing full well that I would not sleep straight away because it was to early for me, I used to just cuddle in bed, to be told I'm too hot will you get off, or not tonight love I have work in the morning. So I kept trying little touches on the legs to see if any response, she says that she doesn't like to at night because she's to tired ( fair enough, she does work very hard.) by this point the number of rejections is making think It must be me. So I stopped going to bed at the same time and only tried on weekends in a morning. She now gets up early on weekends because there is house work to be done. I have talked about this before with her and she says it's hard because we have a 9 year old boy. Every year she asks me what I would like for my birthday. I reply " I only want my wife alone in bed in her under wear. Don't need any money, toys or gifts just you." I get a nice card some money and told " I never know what to get you." She then goes to bed and says good night.


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## DellaStreet (Jun 18, 2016)

Paul Andrew said:


> Now my wife is down to a size 8 *and wears some fantastic dresses and underwear. But I never see it on, she wears the underwear for work* and goes out in some stunning dresses.



What kind of underwear? Do you mean an ordinary bra and panties with just a little bit of lace trim?

Or is it a bit more racy: Push up bras, silky, covered in lace, different colors. Undies that are backless or see through, thongs?? That kind of thing.

When I used to wear that type underwear to work, it was 'cause I always felt sexy. I would anticipate having sex with my husband all day long.

So, to me, it's strange to wear really luxe, pretty, lingerie-type underwear to work; and not want to be seen in it later by a boyfriend or husband.

But that's just me. Maybe it doesn't mean the same to your wife.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

If she has lost weight, dresses sexy and isn't giving you sex -- I would snoop her phone just to rule out a BF. Put a recorder in her car, etc. 

She definitely sounds like she is avoiding sex. Once you rule out an affair, you need to have a come to Jesus talk with her.

If she is down to her fighting weight - how about you? Are you fit, hygiene good, dressing well??

You should not put up with sex 3-4 times a year. It should be that often per month.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Paul Andrew said:


> I have tried lots of things over the years. I used to go to bed at the same time as my wife, knowing full well that I would not sleep straight away because it was to early for me, I used to just cuddle in bed, to be told I'm too hot will you get off, or not tonight love I have work in the morning. So I kept trying little touches on the legs to see if any response, she says that she doesn't like to at night because she's to tired ( fair enough, she does work very hard.) by this point the number of rejections is making think It must be me. So I stopped going to bed at the same time and only tried on weekends in a morning. She now gets up early on weekends because there is house work to be done. I have talked about this before with her and she says it's hard because we have a 9 year old boy. Every year she asks me what I would like for my birthday. I reply " I only want my wife alone in bed in her under wear. Don't need any money, toys or gifts just you." I get a nice card some money and told " I never know what to get you." She then goes to bed and says good night.


OK, the gift is strange as in a marriage finances should be shared. If my wife gave me money, I could just as easily go withdraw the money from our account myself. Do you have separate finances? Is she the only one that works in the relationship?

If she is the only one that works and she wakes up on a weekend with housework that has piled up (dishes, laundry, floors mopped/vacuumed, bills to pay, haul off the trash, yard work, etc) then this is a serious problem! Even if you are both working there should be a team effort so that the weekend starts with a clean house so that everyone can relax. If it is a matter of both of you working, I would occasionally hire a maid to help keep everything in the house caught up and clean. Even if you only hire the maid once a month, the cleaning a professional will do will make a huge impact and make maintaining a clean house much easier during the other weeks.

Regarding initiation, it sounds like you are coming onto her rather weak. You have to start outside the bedroom, like sending her texts, being playful leading up to the moment, and by the time you initiate, you should be a raging bull almost ready to explode (as in very easy for her to please you!). 

Even though the two of you are not having sex, how much nonsexual intimate time do you spend together cuddling, rubbing each other's backs, having meaningful conversation, and listening to her talk about her day? If this is not happening, you need to improve this FIRST and THEN try to improve intimacy.

Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Indeed, snoop to find out if she's cheating. Either way, you may as well file for divorce, since she no longer loves you, which is reflected in avoiding sex with you at all costs.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you been able to have some heart to hearts with her about your needs and desires? I know this isn't easily done, but talking fairly frankly about stuff does sometimes help with things...even if she doesn't need/want it, your not the only one in this marriage....


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

Thanks for the reply. Most of her under wear is see through lase thong style. In bed she only ever wears pj's. I got her some very sexy under wear about 4 years ago. I sent it back because she would not wear it for me..?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Read the many threads on this forum. There are a core group of ways to address this:

1. Have the talk. Maybe she does not realize how important this is to you. Never have the talk more than once. if it doesn't work the first time, it won't ever work.
2. Up your game. Hit the gym. Rock work. Attend to hygiene, grooming and wardrobe. Be the most attractive version of you possible.
3. Listen to what she is saying and communicating by her behavior. Do the things she wants you to do. Stop doing the things that annoy her. Don't do the things you think she ought to desire from you. Do the things that she ACTUALLY desires from you. This requires you to pay attention to her as an individual and not treat her as interchangeable with any other anonymous female.
4. Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Stop making covert contracts. Be explicit about what you want. Don't do anything you aren't enthusiastic about in the hopes she will reciprocate by giving you sex. The dynamic is toxic to attractiveness. Sex should be something she wants to do either because she likes sex or because she likes making you feel good. When sex becomes something she doles out because you have "earned" it by good behavior, it is almost guaranteed that she will eventually become averse to having any sex with you at all.
5. Do a 180. That is, do not follow her around like a puppy begging for attention. Have your own life. Spend time with guy friends doing things you enjoy. You are available to her if she wants time together but you are not sitting around waiting for her to fit you into her schedule.
6. Be playful when you initiate sex, when you are having sex, and when you get turned down for sex. Read every post by BadSanta and try to adopt his attitude toward sex. Nothing kills off desire like being too serious about sex. Sex is supposed to be fun. Treat it that way and not as a military invasion.

Implementing the above plan should take no more than 3 to 6 months. That is, if you do not see any uptick in her interest in you as a sex partner within 6 months, you probably won't ever see one. Or it will take decades and you are well advised not to stick things out waiting for it. So after 3 months, if you haven't seen any improvement, meet with a lawyer and start getting your ducks lined up so you are legally and financially prepared to divorce. After 6 months with no improvement, file.

This is not guaranteed to work. Nothing is. And not saying that you will be having the sex life of your dreams within 6 months. That will take continued communication and cooperation with your wife over time. But if you are still getting an unending stream of "I am tired" or "I don't feel well" or "I am not in the mood" or "you were mean to me" deflections after 6 months, and you made a good faith effort to do all the above, then be comforted that there is probably nothing you can do to achieve the sex life you desire if you stay with this woman.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Indeed, snoop to find out if she's cheating. Either way, you may as well file for divorce, since she no longer loves you, which is reflected in avoiding sex with you at all costs.



I am sure she is not cheating on me because she does love me And she loves are son too. Just no spark in the bedroom.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Have you been able to have some heart to hearts with her about your needs and desires? I know this isn't easily done, but talking fairly frankly about stuff does sometimes help with things...even if she doesn't need/want it, your not the only one in this marriage....


Yes we have had talks about 18 months / 2 years ago and talked about us and are sex life. The outcome is that we just have too busy a life style. I am wounding if there is any way that I could lower my sex drive. That way all would be good.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Paul Andrew said:
> 
> 
> > I have tried lots of things over the years. I used to go to bed at the same time as my wife, knowing full well that I would not sleep straight away because it was to early for me, I used to just cuddle in bed, to be told I'm too hot will you get off, or not tonight love I have work in the morning. So I kept trying little touches on the legs to see if any response, she says that she doesn't like to at night because she's to tired ( fair enough, she does work very hard.) by this point the number of rejections is making think It must be me. So I stopped going to bed at the same time and only tried on weekends in a morning. She now gets up early on weekends because there is house work to be done. I have talked about this before with her and she says it's hard because we have a 9 year old boy. Every year she asks me what I would like for my birthday. I reply " I only want my wife alone in bed in her under wear. Don't need any money, toys or gifts just you." I get a nice card some money and told " I never know what to get you." She then goes to bed and says good night.
> ...


Thanks for the reply. 
We both work and both pay the bills, clean and talk at some meal times ( 3 times a week she goes out when I get in to boot camp ) I used to send messages to here phone but she stopped replying to them. Tried the little cuddles here and there and rubbing legs on the sofa. She just gets to tired and falls asleep on the sofa and just don't feel right waking her up just so I can have sex. When l have pushed the issue in the past and got son into bed early and fast asleep. She has the dog asleep with her on the sofa. So I just grab the remote and watch some TV. Would be better if I only had a lower sex drive.


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## DellaStreet (Jun 18, 2016)

Paul Andrew said:


> T Most of her under wear is* see through lase thong style. * In bed she only ever wears pj's. I got her some very sexy under wear about 4 years ago. I sent it back because she would not wear it for me..?


To me, see-through, lace thongs are a very sexy item.

Look, if I don't feel sexy, I might still wear a cute cotton string bikini with a polka dot pattern.

I don't understand wearing super seductive lingerie "just for myself".

Just giving you some more input, Paul. I'm not saying your wife is having an affair. I'm merely making the observation that she's wearing some va-va-voom panties, and for what?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

More importantly, for whom?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> More importantly, for whom?


I with Della on this one, most of the women I have known wear underwear and dresses like that because they want to be sexy. 

Men tend to be pretty direct and women tend to drop hints. There is a reason she does not want to have sex with you, she is just not telling you directly why. If you are not listening and "hearing" what she is telling you, you are missing a lot.

Just because your wife loves you and your children has nothing to do with her potentially having an affair. When women feel sexy, they tend to want to be sexy, if you catch my drift. Don't rule something out simply because your ego says she would never do that.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

C3156 said:


> farsidejunky said:
> 
> 
> > More importantly, for whom?
> ...


I spoke with my wife last night she told me that she is not having an affair it's just we have very busy work life's. I asked her when was the last time you wanted me sexually " I can not remember. It's because lack of time / work that's all nothing else. I to can not remember the last time my wife made a sexual pass on me.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

DellaStreet said:


> What kind of underwear? Do you mean an ordinary bra and panties with just a little bit of lace trim?
> 
> Or is it a bit more racy: Push up bras, silky, covered in lace, different colors. Undies that are backless or see through, thongs?? That kind of thing.
> 
> ...


I think it's a definite red flag for an affair if a woman is wearing sexy underwear to work and not sleeping with her husband. Also I forget just what he said but it sounded like she's going out without him too.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Yes dear, you caught me, I'm having an affair... said almost NO wayward wife ever when asked...

She shows every sign I can think of of someone having an affair. You need to snoop and find out the truth. Regardless, if she won't make time to be intimate with her husband and doesn't see that as a problem, she may be a mother to your son but she is not being a wife to you. Maybe you can sit down and discuss moving your marriage up to a first priority in your lives.

But find out if she's having an affair first. Don't bring it up again. Quietly snoop.




Paul Andrew said:


> I spoke with my wife last night she told me that she is not having an affair it's just we have very busy work life's. I asked her when was the last time you wanted me sexually " I can not remember. It's because lack of time / work that's all nothing else. I to can not remember the last time my wife made a sexual pass on me.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well one thing is pretty clear your wife has absolutely no interest in having sex with you.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

HOLY SH!T, MAN!!!!!!!!! Your wife is having an affair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## j121walker (Jun 23, 2016)

Hi Paul, I think you need to approach a professional physician. Lots of stress and depression contribute lack of sexual desire. May be i am wrong, But this is best way to know about the problem.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Paul Andrew said:


> I spoke with my wife last night she told me that she is not having an affair it's just we have very busy work life's. I asked her when was the last time you wanted me sexually " I can not remember. It's because lack of time / work that's all nothing else. I to can not remember the last time my wife made a sexual pass on me.


I am sorry, brother, but cheaters rarely tell the truth unless confronted with overwhelming evidence.

However, let's be clear: I am not saying she is cheating...yet. A couple of significant red flags at this point.

Have you looked at the phone bill? Any frequently texted or called numbers you don't recognize? 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

Hi, it’s been about three years since I last posted on this topic. After lots of talks with my wife a few years ago she assured me that there was no affair. Since then not much has changed with are sex life 3-4 times a year and normally in a morning with just one leg taken out of Pyjama bottoms. 
Last year rented a cottage in wales over the new year with a couple of her friends and are son. Ended in a argument because she could not understand why I was quite ( due to no Interaction at all. ) over the whole holiday. Just wanted to go home and get back to normal work day to keep my mind busy.
Over the last 3 years I have got myself some male sex toys to help me please myself and stop me wanting to have sex with my wife. 
The other day we had yet again another argument about sex life only been a one way street. 
I have moved jobs to be closer to home and spend more time at home, but in moving jobs I have met a woman at work that I have a sexual attraction to and have flirted a bit with her telling me that she is sexually frustrated at the moment.

Unsure what to do having an affair is wrong and I am married with a 12 year old son.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Paul Andrew said:


> Hi, it’s been about three years since I last posted on this topic. After lots of talks with my wife a few years ago she assured me that there was no affair. Since then not much has changed with are sex life 3-4 times a year and normally in a morning with just one leg taken out of Pyjama bottoms.
> Last year rented a cottage in wales over the new year with a couple of her friends and are son. Ended in a argument because she could not understand why I was quite ( due to no Interaction at all. ) over the whole holiday. Just wanted to go home and get back to normal work day to keep my mind busy.
> Over the last 3 years I have got myself some male sex toys to help me please myself and stop me wanting to have sex with my wife.
> The other day we had yet again another argument about sex life only been a one way street.
> ...


Welcome back. Sorry things havent improved.
You wont get any support for an affair here.
Women don’t understand how important intimacy is for men. Its not sex you crave, its closeness and connection.
Some people here will suggest some good books. Read them.
In the end, if your wife wont address this issue, and you are attracted to others, your best bet is to file for divorce.
An affair devastates the partner. Its not fair and can lead to severe trust issues and damage in the spouse who was cheated on.
Dont dehumanize the mother of your child that way.
Free yourself. Talk to a lawyer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Really? You are unsure as to what to do?

You've been moping around (internally and now externally) about your marriage for years... talked about wishing to decrease your sex drive because your marriage was pretty much sexless... resorted to male sex toys because of said sexless marriage... and now three years later-----still in the SAME marital situation---- you still don't know what to do because you
don't "want" to cheat?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Get a divorce, you have tried long enough. And now your ready to have a affair, only a passive man would wait this long, and put up this long with a sexless marriage. From the kettle to the fire doesn't sound so wonderful. 

Find your nerve and self-respect, leave and if you say your doing it for the 12 yr old don't. It's because you like being controlled, by women. I'm thinking why would you.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You may not understand this, but it's insane to remain in a toxic relationship, who happens to be in your life. You do not have what it takes to make yourself a rational person. Do yourself both a favor and leave. Don't worry your wife may hardly notice your gone.

And l can only imagine what kind of traits your son has learned from you. Being a pushover and being a doormat. It's not that great. No amount of advice will you follow because you just don't know what to do or too afraid to be your own so, you want to cheat and lose your self-respect and assets because you can't stand on your own.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

Thanks for the replies. I have always hoped my wife would come round to enjoy sex and all the fun it can bring with me. But I think your right and we only have a semi-happy marriage. 2020 is going to be a different year. Fingers crossed I will have a happier year.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Paul Andrew said:


> I have been married for 5 years and with my wife for 11 years. When we first meet are sex life was fantastic, but know a days we have sex 3 - 4 times a year. My wife used to say that she was unhappy with her weight. ( I was happy with her weight). Now my wife is down to a size 8 and wears some fantastic dresses and underwear. But I never see it on, she wears the underwear for work and goes out in some stunning dresses. Due to work hours my wife goes to bed before me and gets up early to get to work. I am worried because I would love to have sex 3-4 times a week but understand this will never happen. I'm unsure if my wife has lost all her sex drive or just lost it with me ?


"goes out in some stunning dresses" Are you with her when she does this?


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

To be fair She has not been out lately and the last time I was with her when she had a dress on. the time before that she was at a works do and stayed over at the hotel..
She never thinks she looks sexy at all when dressed up and prefers to have her pj’s on at home..


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Paul Andrew said:


> Thanks for the replies. I have always hoped my wife would come round to enjoy sex and all the fun it can bring with me. But I think your right and we only have a semi-happy marriage. 2020 is going to be a different year. Fingers crossed I will have a happier year.


Crossing fingers is not taking action. It is rug sweeping the issue once again. It does appear you have done your best in explaining to your W what your desires are. These desires are not odd, crazy or out of the ordinary. She should not be surprised if you stated that your are unhappy and splitting amicably as a result of her not "being all in" with the marriage has caused the rift. Understand that sex is not all that marriage is about, however, it is a very big part of marriage. Proceed to D. She'll either wake up and respond in kind physically or let it you go to find another that desires you. 

Crossing fingers? Where will that get you?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Paul Andrew said:


> I am sure she is not cheating on me because she does love me And she loves are son too. Just no spark in the bedroom.


You need to read more. This is just a foolish statement... 

The Sexy Underwear is for her BF. 

If she is so in love with you, why don't you have sex more often? Think about that...


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

That post was a few years ago and she has stopped wearing sexy underwear now. Just normal plain underwear. The reason we don’t have sex is she does not like sex at night and she gets up early for work or the son is always up early. So she says there is never any time.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Excuses, excuses, excuses,...you've been living your life in a big pathetic excuse for doing nothing other than to complain, and complain, and complain. Where has that gotten you so far? Of course, nowhere. 

You have been whimpering in a world of "hopium" awaiting for the moment that your wife will "all of the sudden" get hot for you. I have news for you: it will NEVER happens. You can wait till the end of time, and it won't happen.

You have two options since you stated that you wouldn't cheat: shut up and stop complaining; accept that this is the rest of your life, or divorce her. Period. 

I certainly did divorce my first wife for the no sex issue, but it took me three months only of her bull**** to leave her, not years of wasting my life away in hopium.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Paul Andrew said:


> Thanks for the replies. I have always hoped my wife would come round to enjoy sex and all the fun it can bring with me. But I think your right and we only have a semi-happy marriage. 2020 is going to be a different year. Fingers crossed I will have a happier year.


Don't cheat.

Tell her you need regular intimacy from her or the marriage is over.

If it ends, then you can date others.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Paul Andrew said:


> That post was a few years ago and she has stopped wearing sexy underwear now. Just normal plain underwear. The reason we don’t have sex is she does not like sex at night and she gets up early for work or the son is always up early. So she says there is never any time.


She needs to find the time. Putting H and or W behind work, kids and anything else will NOT work in a marriage. It is not a difficult formula to grasp. 

Does not like having sex at night?????????? Lame excuse.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Does not like having sex at night?????????? Lame excuse.


She left out some important info, she does not like having sex with paulandrew at night, _after she had sex with her boyfriend while at work._


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Have you talked to her about whether she thinks your sex life is a problem? I get that she thinks you guys are too busy but does she think 3-4x a year is ok? And if she verbalized that it is a problem, ask her what her goal sex life would be like. Then work together on figuring out how to achieve that.

If she doesn’t think 3-4x a is a problem then your screwed.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, she's obviously fine with 3 to 4 times a year, or it would be more. OP wants a more connected sex life, she hasn't wanted that. She controls the amount. Seems like this amount IS her goal. She'd probably even want less.



Girl_power said:


> Have you talked to her about whether she thinks your sex life is a problem? I get that she thinks you guys are too busy but does she think 3-4x a year is ok? And if she verbalized that it is a problem, ask her what her goal sex life would be like. Then work together on figuring out how to achieve that.
> 
> If she doesn’t think 3-4x a is a problem then your screwed.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You have already told her you need sex more often, you haven't been secretive about it. She hasn't made any efforts to figure out what she can do to help fix the problem on her end since your posts in 2016. 

Now is the time for you to tell her that sex is a basic need of yours, that you prefer to have it with a live person whom you love instead of an inanimate object, and since she is not willing to work on fulfilling that need for you, that you must end the marriage so you are free to find someone who will be a better match for you. 

She might accuse you of being a pervert, and if she responds like that, you have your aswer that she not willing to change to save your marriage. 

If she says she didn't realize it, and that she wants to show you she can change, give her one month. If she steps up to the plate, tell her that you will reevaluate the marriage every 3 months and take action accordingly because you won't let yourself ever get to where you were before.

Your marriage is never going to change if you don't actually do something besides buying yourself sex toys. All you'll end up with is more sex toys. Over time they could actually rewire your brain so you won't be able to perform properly with a real-life woman. 

Your marriage might change if you shake it up. There is an expression the say here on TAM that "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it." By shake it up, I mean telling wife that you can't live in a sexless marriage anymore, and if she doesn't care, she will be getting divorce papers soon.

And stay away with the other woman. You are already having inappropriate conversations with her (about sexless marriages) and are possibly having an EA with her. Tell her the truth, that you don't want to be unfaithful to your wife, even on an emotional level, and that you have to distance yourself from her (the OW) to give your marriage one last chance to improve. If it doesn't improve, you'll get a divorce, and if she is also divorced, you can pursue a relationship with her.

BTW, the OW is "fishing" with you, seeing if you will bite. She may be a serial cheater, and her sob story about her sexless marriage is how she catches men to cheat with. A married woman should not be talking with any man, besides her own husband, about the state of her sex life. Even if you were single, this woman might be someone you actually want to stay clear of, due to her poor boundaries.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am willing to bet when she was going on her trips with her sexy underwear and dresses she was in the throes of an affair. It probably ended and now she is depressed. I know this is harsh but just read the stories it has all the clues. 

You need to have a come to Jesus with your wife. Your passiveness has made you vulnerable. Passive men get cheated on.

Here is a basic truth. If your wife (or husband) dresses sexier/hotter at work then she/he does when she/he goes out on dates with you you have a VERY BIG PROBLEM. If you are not having dates that too is a problem. Like a time to talk about divorce problem. This is especially true when it comes to underwear.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Obligatory plug for my book, which was written for men in your exact situation:

The Dead Bedroom Fix (click here). (Purchase PDF and download audio)
Purchase on Amazon (Audible available)


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Adelais said:


> You have already told her you need sex more often, you haven't been secretive about it. She hasn't made any efforts to figure out what she can do to help fix the problem on her end since your posts in 2016.
> 
> *Now is the time for you to tell her that sex is a basic need of yours, that you prefer to have it with a live person whom you love instead of an inanimate object, and since she is not willing to work on fulfilling that need for you, that you must end the marriage so you are free to find someone who will be a better match for you. *


I think things often run aground when we focus on sex being a basic need for *one* of the parties, and not the relationship. When we focus on the relationship, it is more clear that sex is part of their union, their marriage, that "thing" that is shared only between wife and husband. That exclusivity is one of the big reasons it is special & important. If missing, you're house is built on sand, not rock. 

It's also important to stress that sex isn't just about him getting his release. I think the focus on the sex toys helps shape his wife's belief that that's the case. Intimacy shared with a latex toy is not a replacement for the closeness of two humans physically bonding together. Both men and women with "LD" need to understand that the most important part of sex occurs in the mind, and if the mind can't handle it, well, that's an extremely serious issue. I have real problems with "LD" being an easy ticket out of sex. In many cases "LD" goes unchallenged, as if it's this thing that someone is born with, and maybe the lack of physical feeling could be, but mentally, LD can be an indication of a spark that doesn't exist, a spark that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex.

And yet, in the end, it is about sex. It's about not understanding what sex really is. For many, I think that's incorrectly defined as "LD." Technically it is "LD" but we've just got to stop acting like "LD" is this huge blanket we encompass everything under.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Paul, what are your ages now? I have an extremely hard time believing that she is getting dressed up in sexy attire and under garments for work, yet she's not into sex. If she stopped wearing the sexy underwear, have you considered the possibility that she changes into them after leaving the house because you've mentioned it to her a few times? Is her line of work a male dominated field? I find it hard to believe that she is NOT cheating. JMHO, you should try to get to the bottom of it. Once a quarter sex is unacceptable.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Paul Andrew said:


> Hi, it’s been about three years since I last posted on this topic. After lots of talks with my wife a few years ago she assured me that there was no affair. *Since then not much has changed with are sex life 3-4 times a year and normally in a morning with just one leg taken out of Pyjama bottoms. *
> Last year rented a cottage in wales over the new year with a couple of her friends and are son. Ended in a argument because she could not understand why I was quite ( due to no Interaction at all. ) over the whole holiday. Just wanted to go home and get back to normal work day to keep my mind busy.
> Over the last 3 years I have got myself some male sex toys to help me please myself and stop me wanting to have sex with my wife.
> The other day we had yet again another argument about sex life only been a one way street.
> ...


OK so if you think she isn't having an affair, I have an alternative to that. 

Your description is horrible. So what's in this for her? With one pant leg off do you go down on her? Does she orgasm? Show signs of life? What's her love language ? How are you reving her engine before sex? Has she ever been orgasmic with you? HOw do you know? What do you do to make sure sex is good for her? Did you buy any sex toys for her? Do you know if she is responsive desire (like many women)? 

I can tell you this life can take a toll and yes for women being busy and stressed can cut into our libido. When my children were younger and my job was stress sex was less frequent. However, It moved up my priority list when my husband got better at it.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...38413-3-years-marriage-so-many-red-flags.html

Are you married to this woman?


Nina0 said:


> Honestly, not anymore. We are both attractive kind of couple but I don't feel like having sex with him anymore. The main reason is because he never wants to try different things in bed, or sex lasts 5 minutes because he's to sensitive and reaches the orgasm fast. No fun at all and he has no interest on fixing it. I am so angry I'm in this situation and so sad because I love him as a person, but not as a husband anymore.


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## Paul Andrew (Jun 20, 2016)

We used to have a great sex life.. I would always give her oral and then we would have sex. It was great. My wife is is very quiet about sex and would never give me oral, but that was fine. Then my wife stopped wanting sex at night and then mornings would be very rare due to time. I f I try and talk about it she just gets upset and says she does not want to feel like this.. end of no talk to improve are sex life..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Paul Andrew said:


> We used to have a great sex life.. I would always give her oral and then we would have sex. It was great. My wife is is very quiet about sex and would never give me oral, but that was fine. Then my wife stopped wanting sex at night and then mornings would be very rare due to time. I f I try and talk about it she just gets upset and says she does not want to feel like this.. end of no talk to improve are sex life..


I so you haven't answered the question I"m going to assume she isn't having an orgasm. She isn't getting adequate physical foreplay. So you are just begging her to be your sex doll. There isn't anything in it for her. By the way just cause you give her oral also doesn't mean she's had an orgasm. 

Women change over time. 

First have you looked at love languages and other emotional needs. If these aren't met consistently then women start to not desire sex. Often after children are born desire is put on the back burner. I feel like you need to visit this as well.

But let's assume you've taken care of actually building a relationship and connectedness in a way a women needs. Women change. Oral can be exquisite one day and actually painful or meh the next day. Hormones and children change these things. Have you tried any other ways to make sure she's having a fun time? Have you tried a vibrator? or other toys?


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