# ugg. lost, need to get this off my chest.



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Have 3 kids.

Sex started off good, waned after children and has its ups and downs since. At the lowest part of our relationship, we were going 6 weeks without. Longer if I did not initiate.


About two weeks ago she went to bed and I was going to stay up and watch a movie. I got curious and opened up her laptop to dig through her browsing history. 

I didnt realize that she was using her kindle to chat with a mutual co worker (we work for the same company), and I could see the conversation as it happened. I read through it and it started with some harmless flirting back and forth. 

Then he mentioned that he had a big secret, and had an affair with a co worker. Then he asked her to tell him her secret. (I am guessing this was a carry over conversation from work)

She said that she loved me, but had to fantasize about someone else to get turned on, and that she cannot orgasm without fantasizing about someone else. 

Then the chat turned more sexual. With the male co worker talking about giving her something to fantasize about. 

I went upstairs and opened the door, my wife was pretending to be asleep. I thought the chat was over and It was updating slower on the laptop. 
Well, by the time I made it back downstairs she had replied to him. 

Needless to say, I lost my S***. confronted her, lots of crying, anger, etc. She said that she has never done this before, she liked the attention, etc. 

I spent a few days extremely angry. I realized that I still loved her, and the thought of what a divorce would do to the kids is killing me. I realized that I have not been happy with our relationship for a very long time. We had a long conversation where we talked about where our relationship was failing. How this could of happened. 

I have decided to stay. I feel like I cannot trust her. Every time we are intimate in any fashion I start thinking about it. 

I have started an exit strategy. Since I realized if I had left that night, I would basically be homeless for an extended period of time. 


Sorry if this rambles a bit. I am still trying to wrap my head around this. I had what I thought was a good marriage and the rug has been pulled out from under me.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Lost, it sounds to me like your wife *does* love you but you may be missing the mark when it comes to pleasing her sexually. 

That does not mean you're a bad lover, but it means you're not in synch with her physical wants and needs, and that you need to get there. 

There are two ways you can go about being the ONLY man she would ever fantasize about. 1) Let her guide you and "train" you to the things that she likes or, if she can't or won't go there, 2) to read and explore on your own.

Many women have fantasies of rape or illicit sex. It's not that they want to be raped, but that they enjoy the illusion of not having control or the opposite idea that someone could find them so irresistible that they'd have power over that person. 

Grab some scarves and take them to bed with you and ask her if she's going to tie you up or if you'll tie her up and see what happens.


----------



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

I have tried. For years. 

The thing is that I am able to bring her to orgasm every time we have sex. She cannot fake goosebumps, increased vaginal wetness, or vaginal spasms. 

I have tried every possible way to turn her on. But she does not want to talk about sex. Every time it comes up, she downplays it, or makes me feel guilty about always being horny, or that she feels like I only want her for sex. 

I can forgive the inappropriate conversation. But the part I am having trouble getting past is that she was so willing and open to talk to him about things I have been trying to get her open up about for years. I honestly thought that my wife did not enjoy anything related to sex. 

I have always been open about my desires or fantasy. Which apparently made me seem pushy. 

As for the light bondage. We tried it. Didnt do anything for me and she could not get into it. Basically awkward the whole time.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lost_oregon said:


> I can forgive the inappropriate conversation. But the part I am having trouble getting past is that she was so willing and open to talk to him about things I have been trying to get her open up about for years. I honestly thought that my wife did not enjoy anything related to sex.
> 
> I have always been open about my desires or fantasy. Which apparently made me seem pushy.


This brings a lot of important information to the picture. Here's what I'm seeing with this added info: 

I get the impression that even though you're saying she opened up to him, that's not exactly what happened. She told him a piece of information that would hurt you if she'd told you (about only being able to orgasm while fantasizing) but did she really describe things about what she does and doesn't like, or was she simply receptive to his assertiveness? 

I don't know how to describe this well, so forgive me if I ramble along the way...

If a child gets scolded for something that's natural (playing with themselves) at a young age, they might learn that they're supposed to feel ashamed of having sexual feelings. This is even more intense if a person has experienced sexual abuse. 

Let's assume for a minute that your wife experienced something that taught her it was "bad" to fully enjoy her sexuality. There are several good reasons she would be more receptive to some guy over the Internet (even one she works with) rather than her husband, all of which are subconscious:

1. She has doubted her husband's reassurances that it'd be "ok" to open up, but really does want to. She can test how someone else responds to her openness without risking her marriage _before_ she takes that chance with her husband. She may not have had an opportunity to explore this before now.

2. She can be a "bad" girl without feeling vulnerable if she isn't face to face.

3. She won't be as affected by the OM's judgments as intensely as she would if her own husband reacted negatively.

Then of course, there's still the first point I made above. It sounds like you've encouraged, pleaded, and tried. She responded by pulling away and claiming you were pushy. Yet when someone is more forceful and says, "I am GOING to give you something to fantasize about" she is responsive. Why? _Because she can absolve herself of responsibility._ Taking responsibility for one's own sexuality can overwhelm some people. I've seen both males and females who have a tough time with this. 

What has happened when you've gotten a little rough and said "Do it my way or else!" to her?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

First of all, you don't leave the marital home because of her inappropriate behavior. Please read the CWI forum for advice on how to proceed with trusting her again.

She was/is having an EA with this co-worker. He is an admitted cheater & was grooming your wife for a PA. I'm so glad you caught her.

Marriage counseling is suggested here.


----------



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> What has happened when you've gotten a little rough and said "Do it my way or else!" to her?


I am treating her like a piece of meat, sex object, etc.


Its very frustrating. When I confronted her that night. She said that she has body image issues and cannot feel sexy. 

On my end, I am dissatisfied because I feel like I am getting a pity **** once a month. Like she recieves but does not give.

I bought us cell phones two years ago, with the sole intent to flirt with her. But every time I try, I get shut down. 



I do have to say that since all this has happened, we have had sex more. But in the back of my head I am suspicious that she is placating me until it blows over. I am trying to be more honest when i speak with her. As I had been fairly guarded recently regarding what I was feeling. Mostly because I did not want to fight with her and ruin any chance as sexual intimacy. 



As for everything else you posted. The rational portion of my brain can see this. I can understand the disconnect with the computer. The allure of it being naughty but without having to be face to face. 
The irrational portion of my brain wants to tell her to get bent and walk out the door.
I have chosen to forgive. I told her that I could use it against her forever and make her feel like crap. But I want us to move forward. 


Its been difficult to not become misogynistic. I am battling some emotions that I think have been brewing beneath the surface for a long time.


----------



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

Emerald said:


> First of all, you don't leave the marital home because of her inappropriate behavior. Please read the CWI forum for advice on how to proceed with trusting her again.
> 
> She was/is having an EA with this co-worker. He is an admitted cheater & was grooming your wife for a PA. I'm so glad you caught her.
> 
> Marriage counseling is suggested here.


I have loosely come to terms with what happened. I seriously want to get to the root cause of why this occured. 

I think we are both dissatisfied with portions of our relationship. A large portion is due to poor communication of our needs. I know that I compartmentalize and do not let my feelings show. 


As for trust. I sat down with her and basically set terms. The two definate were that this would never happen again and she was to not contact him. 

the rest delt with communication and honesty.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I can forgive the inappropriate conversation. But the part I am having trouble getting past is that she was so willing and open to talk to him about things I have been trying to get her open up about for years. I honestly thought that my wife did not enjoy anything related to sex.


What have you done to address the Emotional Affair she has with the coworker????? Have you confronted him? Is she still in contact with him????? Are you friends with this mutual coworker and do you know his wife. She should know whats going on.

I understand why how you feel this way But your also not focusing on the intent of the conversation and where it was heading. The mutual coworker was trying to have sex with your wife. Why do you think he told your wife his secret about cheating? He was comfortable enough with her knowing and thought she might be interested too.

You need to discuss what behavior is appropriate and inappropriate in your marriage. Have a talk about what your wife needs to do to gain your trust again, if your willing to reconcile


----------



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

I have not directly spoken with him. And honestly I cannot imagine a scenario that will not result in violence. He was considered a very close friend to me. It has been very difficult to keep my anger in check. 

like I said, I compartmentalize. Obviosly well enough that it keeps others from veiwing me as a threat. Maybe I have let my alpha tendencies go dormant. 

As for his wife. It sounds like his marriage has been circling the bowl for awhile. He can live in his own misery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

I asked how long it had gone on for. And she had told me the one time. I viewed all texts sent in the past four months (verizon saves the to, from, sent, recieved). Her browsing history (index.dat) and all deleted files (recuva). I did not find anything that lead me to believe she lied.

As for physical at work. Her mother and brother work with her. we also work with a whole lot of gossiping women. Something would of came out about it.

As for being on auto pilot. We have twins who are five, and we work opposite schedules so we do not have to use a sitter.
I think that we put more emphasis into kids than to each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

In support of Emerald can I ask if you have looked at the Coping with Infidelity threads. As she said your wife is having an Emotional Affair, and this is serious. It can be the starting point of a Physical Affair. It is as likely as not that your wife is still in contact with her Other Man. It is also likely that the chemicals and hormones released by the experience of an illicit love are hitting her like cocaine. Check out the CWI threads, there is much good advice and help there. For your own sake, if not for the marriage.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Off Topic, how do you see Kindle Chats from another computer as they are happening?

Your wife will be attracted to you if you are confident enought to tell her you have no interest in being married to her.

She has to know definitely that she is about to lose all and must herself work to get back in your good graces.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You seriously need to confront her boyfriend. Tell him you know he's been chatting with your wife and if he does it again there will be consequences. Are you intimidated by him? Is he bigger than you? Makes me wonder if that's what she saw in him.


----------



## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello,
I'm just curious what do you want from this situation now? You said that you don't want to have a divorce, that you want to stay. 
What it's your mind right now?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The OM has got to go, and go permanently. It's time to tell him if he doesn't back off forever you will be tell his secret to his wife and everyone at work.

This guy is chasing what he senses as easy meat.

As for your wife's sex drive, we'll she sure was able to engage in sex talk with him easily enough.

What I mean ,is she opened up to this looser who obviously is only interested in getting into her pants. She knows this.

So don't fall for the old he gave me attention lie.


----------



## lost_oregon (Sep 23, 2012)

Sorry its been awhile, been busy with other things.

As to how I viewed the fb chat. I logged into her fb account while she was chatting. Fb pulled the entire chat window open on both devices. I could see it in real time.

I have spoken with the OM. He apalogized. He was a frieend of mine who also knew my wife. I knew he was unhappy in his marriage. But trusted him enough not to sniff around my wife. I also realised that I had talked about how my marriage was in a slump. I feel like he used that information to his advantage.

My wife and I are talking more. We have mutually decided that we need to be more honest in regards to our feelings.
Sex has actually improved bettween us. I had made a list of conditions. Mosyly regarding how we could improve our relationship. But I also stated that physical intimancy was something that had to happen within our marriage.

Also, two of the hard conditions were that the Om was to never be contacted. And nothing like this was to ever happen again. I told her that I would walk if this were to happen. 

I believe this was a wake up call. For both of us. 

I am still obsessing about her internet and phone use. I guess that my eyes have been opened and its hard to not see everything as something bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lost, if you read the threads here you will realize that complete transparency is a VERY reasonable requirement for both of you, all passwords, email, fb, phones, all of it should be viewable by you (and her)
No texts or phone calls, emails, etc should be deleted until you have a chance to see them, this should be a condition for staying in the relationship no exceptions!
You should not have to obsess about her phone, etc, use.
Also complete no contact with other man.
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

lost_oregon said:


> I have spoken with the OM. He apalogized. He was a frieend of mine who also knew my wife. I knew he was unhappy in his marriage. But trusted him enough not to sniff around my wife. I also realised that I had talked about how my marriage was in a slump. I feel like he used that information to his advantage.


I'm happy to hear things are going well for you & your family.

I hi-lited your words above because I think this is very important. When we "put our sh*t on the streets" others can use it against us whether it's our personal life or work life. Even trusted friends can turn.

That is why it is great that forums like this exist.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

So true Emerald!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lost, 
I think you are on the right track here, there is more work to do, but good for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

lost_oregon said:


> ...
> 
> Also, two of the hard conditions were that the Om was to never be contacted. And nothing like this was to ever happen again. I told her that I would walk if this were to happen. ...
> 
> ...


Make sure she knows you are deadly serious about this. Not saying you must repeat it daily or anything, but on the other hand it needs saying more than once to drive it home.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lost,
Just so you know, the more you interact here the more help you will reveive.
Its your call, but an example is growtogether's question above. You will be going through some pretty common feelings and there are some steps and resourced that will be recomended for you consideration as you do.
The things that work in these situations can be counter-intuitive.

Its up to you I know you are busy, I just wanted you to be aware.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> Lost, it sounds to me like your wife *does* love you but you may be missing the mark when it comes to pleasing her sexually.
> 
> That does not mean you're a bad lover, but it means you're not in synch with her physical wants and needs, and that you need to get there.
> 
> ...


I disagree with the above. This post puts the responsibility at your feet, rather than the person who has been unfaithful. If we follow this advice every time our spouses are unfaithful we reward them with some extra special sex!

The issue here is your wife's deception, disrespect and selfishness, not your prowess in bed.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yep! It may be ok sex therapy, but once someone goes outside the marriage the priority changes.
i.e. example, you may be hungry but if you eat poison that has to be dealt with before the issue of finding food is.
There is still more work to do on the affair!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

"and we work opposite schedules so we do not have to use a sitter."

hmmm, and so you became co-workers.

The little or no sex thing is very worrying, maybe she did have a PA. You should have this thread moved to the CWI forum. 

Maybe, very maybe you just skimmed the PA, but this sure was an EA. You will have to get a reconciliation, you cannot do any rug sweeping here.


----------

