# Thoughts of Divorce



## DannieM (Jul 14, 2014)

Married 9 years. 
Mid thirties.
Four babies back to back at ages 6, 5, 4 and 3 years old. 
Husband is a good man but with a mindset way past his age.
He is a strong in his moral and religious beliefs - and extremely weak in communication. 
This is my day ... drive the kids around to daycare, work 8 hours, come home to cook dinner and clean up the best I can. Baths. Homework. Break up fights. Answer to "mom, mom, mom". Phone calls, bills, laundry, grocery store ... 
His day - Work outside of the home ... long hours. Come home only to throw his dirty boots wherever they fall. Eat, watch TV ... tell the kids to get to bed as I get them ready for bed. 
Affection - he doesn't know how. 
Is there ever an interest in taking me out - never. 
What happens when I ask him out - " I'm too tired, that's too far of a drive, that sort of music isn't my thing " 
It's one thing to not get help with the house work or childcare but when you mix little communication and little motivation with it - I'm starting to resent him. On some days I dream of being given attention by someone - but no longer want it from him ... 
Question - how to deal with the heartache of a divorce OR ... can this type of personality change ... he is a good man .. stands his ground on his morals, family and religion - dedicated- but - is being physically present really enough? Am I just unappreciative.
I feel so sad for feeling this way because of the babies - but am so lonely, so bored -- so confused.
Its nothing new to head to the gym or make dinner plans with a friend - I think I'm trying to escape the disappointment of seeing that " again " he's not helping as I do the dishes or change all four kids ... and possibly to avoid the silence when all is said and done  Lost.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"stands his ground on his morals, family and religion"

which religion states you are to be slothful, inattentive, and dismissive?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon DannieM
When you say he "works long hours" are the much longer than the hours you work? If you put yourself in his shoes, do you think the work load (home and career) might look balanced to him?

He is bad at communicating - do you think you've made it clear to him what you want, what you feel you are missing?

4 children, jobs, chores. That is an enormous time commitment that doesn't leave a lot of time for romance. It is easy to be attracted to some other man, to imagine gondola rides in Venice and candle-lit dinners in Las Vegas followed by passionate lovemaking. In reality though, your life does not allow for a lot of free time. 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't try for happiness and romance, just to be realistic in your expectations before you leave what you say is a "good man". 

It is very difficult to tell from posts. He may really be a good man who is just overwhelmed with life, or he may be lazy - happy to put in a long day's work, but not understanding that life's chores don't end when when you leave your job.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon DannieM
> When you say he "works long hours" are the much longer than the hours you work? If you put yourself in his shoes, do you think the work load (home and career) might look balanced to him?


I'm sorry. This is the only part I disagree with. It doesn't matter how many long hours he works. Those kids are still half his. It seems to me (by the way she describes of course) that she is working outside the home 8 hours and then coming home and assuming all home/kid responsibilities. On top of that, she is still seeking affection even though she is tired as well. 

The kids will benefit from his time and attention too. It wouldn't be just the OP getting some attention from her H. The children will be getting "daddy time" that is much needed.

He does have some responsibility to TRY to help with home life if he wants to stay married. He doesn't get to use the excuse "I work long hours" because they both are working and have 4 kids. 

He doesn't have to come home and do everything around the house. It seems she has that taken care of. What would probably sound nice is that he spend time with the children while they are awake instead of watching TV. He could help with homework, play time, bath time, bed time, etc. If he is working longer hours, then OP makes up for it by coming home and cleaning and cooking dinner - taking care of the home. That would make it balanced. However, the kids are part of both of them and that responsibility should be split in half for the benefit of both parents and children.

Is it hard? You bet. Is he probably exhausted? Yep. But marriage is work. Using the "I'm tired" excuse is not acceptable every single day. Sorry. 

I do agree with sitting down and telling him word for word what your issues are with him. After explaining to him what your needs are and coming to a compromise on how to meet your needs (as well as any he may have), then give it some time before jumping to divorce. I realize you both are busy and probably do not have time for marriage counseling, but if you could fit that into your schedule, it may help with communication. 

If, after having the discussion (and your goal time passes), things haven't changed, you then should consider whether or not this relationship is going to make it. If you can't live happily and you have tired all communication, you both have given all you have, then you can say you give up.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I can relate to SO much to this.

OP, you are clearly overwhelmed and frustrated. You have EVERY right to be. After all, you have the hardest job in the world and it is exhausting to say the least. Bravo to you for doing great work and taking such a huge time investment for your children. Now that's a definition of a great mother!!!

Keep your head up, you are at the bottom of the roller coaster. Don't worry, in time things will get better and it will all work out. 

As I like to say, don't make ANY life/big decisions during times of great happiness or depression. 

Now, onto your husband. I'm going to be VERY honest with you here. It sounds like your husband has a physical job. Even though I can't really relate to him on that end as I have had a desk job most of my life....I am a HUGE do it yourselfer and do EVERYTHING you can imagine...I mean EVERYTHING.

Let me tell you something. One of the reasons my marriage has been so successful is most likely because of my career. If I was to do any kind of physical work, I would probably be JUST LIKE YOUR husband. It is HARD coming home from work to a job that's even harder/more demanding. Heck I had issues backing up my wife early on in our marriage WITH a desk job. I can only imagine how hard it must be for your husband. 

But at the same time, he should know that YOUR job is even harder. And I don't care if your husband works in a South American Mine 15 hour days........ONLY Under the condition that you are doing it right of course (I don't know). Stay at home can be an extremely easy job when not done right.....and the hardest job in the world if done proper. There is a fine line hehe.

I'm going to assume you are doing it right.....

Your husband def has to do a better job helping you out when he returns and be more involved with children/you. 

Each and every day requires a bit of involvement on those 2 ends. Even if it's just sitting down to eat dinner.

Talk to him about this and express to him how hard it is to you and how you need back up and time with him. When you do it, be nice and smile, make sure there is no anger/frustration present on your or his part and just try to have a healthy/adult conversation. If you sense any of the above from him or yourself, stop > come back.

If it doesn't work, tell him you are considering divorce if it doesn't change.

Keep at it

If it doesn't work, marriage counseling as a last resort before you proceed to divorce. Unless of course you are willing to accept this.

Also, you need to accept that a good man/father is one that engages with his children/wife on daily basis. From what you told us, although I'm sure your husband is a good man in many ways.....he is NOT a good father or husband.

Accept the person in front of you. Do NOT paint pretty picture and try to defend him. He needs to defend himself WITH HIS ACTIONS!!!

Good luck


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DoF, she also works full time outside the home.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think the bottom line is he needs a wakeup call...and fast. Whether it's fair to him or not you're disengaging from the marriage. At some point it will be past the point of no return. 

He needs to be made aware of how you're feeling so he has an opportunity to respond...or not. 

I definately think it's fixable. However not if he doesn't understand you're serious. Hints aren't enough. He needs to be told flat out.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm split on my opinion of this.

If he's working really long hours like 12+ per day at a physically demanding job requesting additional help around the house is not that clear cut. But if it's not much more than 8 hours shouldnt be a problem.

The affection (lack of) is an issue. That's a marriage killer.

The lack of doing anythign fun together as husband and wife also kills the marriage. Seems to me he isn't "trying" anymore. He needs to understand that there are conditions to the marriage. They are called vows. And he's not honouring them by ignoring your needs.


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