# Need advice - I screwed up and my wife wants to leave



## sf123 (Feb 20, 2012)

My wife caught me doing something awful and now wants to leave. In short, she discovered craigslist posts and email discussions with men over the past 6 months on a few one-off occasions. I am not a gay male nor do I have any interest in actually being with a man, nor have I ever actually done anything with a man (or cheated with a woman). In any event, she does not believe me. She is beyond angry and distrustful (understandably) and all I want to do is prove that this is not me and try and figure out why I would do this. I love my wife more than anything and need her back in my life and am so scared she will never come back to me. This all unraveled recently, so I'm in the full phase of utter disgust, embarrassment and depression. Does this get better? Has anyone gone through anything similar? Advice from men and women is appreciated.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

In your case before we go any further with advice I would suggest you think on the following.

The fact that she discovered those posts means you did not see fit to discuss them with her on your own. Ask yourself why did you feel it was necessary to hide those behaviors. 

You need to be honest with yourself and your wife. You will find true honesty to be quite liberating. 

Think about it. You would probably want to know what you are getting into before committing to a marriage yourself. Would you have been upset if she had hidden such things from you? 

If she instead would have been honest before getting married, would that have prevented you going ahead with the marriage?

Once you can assess in all honesty why you sent those mails and why you hid that then we can proceed towards advice.

It may have been sexual curiosity on your part as many people while not gay have the possibility for bisexual behavior.


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## sf123 (Feb 20, 2012)

Thanks Alex. I've been struggling with that exact thing. I only ever engaged in this behavior when I was away from my wife. I was certainly conscious of the fear of getting caught (it disgusted me and discouraged me from doing it any further). I never considered sharing the behavior with her because it seemed deviant to me and inconsistent with who I really was or what I really felt. It devastates me that I kept anything from her, particularly something of this nature. I also think that the reason I chose to do this in the manner I did was due to the anonymous nature of it and empty emotions involved; I certainly did not want to spark any sort of relationship (I had what I needed in that from my wife). I also should note that I am not repulsed by gay relations, as I have many gay friends whom I supportive of. However, I'm just not interested in partaking in that.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

sf123 said:


> My wife caught me doing something awful and now wants to leave. In short, she discovered craigslist posts and email discussions with men over the past 6 months on a few one-off occasions. I am not a gay male nor do I have any interest in actually being with a man, nor have I ever actually done anything with a man (or cheated with a woman). In any event, she does not believe me. She is beyond angry and distrustful (understandably) and all I want to do is prove that this is not me and try and figure out why I would do this. I love my wife more than anything and need her back in my life and am so scared she will never come back to me. This all unraveled recently, so I'm in the full phase of utter disgust, embarrassment and depression. Does this get better? Has anyone gone through anything similar? Advice from men and women is appreciated.


You need to discover within yourself why and why it won't happen again. If you made a similar discovery on her, would you be calmed and relieved by the, 'I didn't plan on acting on it and I don't know why I did it?'. Discussion, or would you, like me - think BS (I mean bull shet not betrayed spouse. Until you determine the why, you are at risk of doing it again, and she'd be a fool to trust you. 
You ruined her blind trust in you. You will never get her unwavering faith in you again. And you don't even know why????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

sf123 said:


> Thanks Alex. I've been struggling with that exact thing. I only ever engaged in this behavior when I was away from my wife. I was certainly conscious of the fear of getting caught (it disgusted me and discouraged me from doing it any further). I never considered sharing the behavior with her because it seemed deviant to me and inconsistent with who I really was or what I really felt. It devastates me that I kept anything from her, particularly something of this nature. I also think that the reason I chose to do this in the manner I did was due to the anonymous nature of it and empty emotions involved; I certainly did not want to spark any sort of relationship (I had what I needed in that from my wife). I also should note that I am not repulsed by gay relations, as I have many gay friends whom I supportive of. However, I'm just not interested in partaking in that.


If you had what you needed from her, you wouldn't have done it. Until you get real - she'd be a fool to trust you. Your head is so far up your butt, you're believing your own lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sf123 said:


> In short, she discovered craigslist posts and email discussions with men over the past 6 months on a few one-off occasions. I am not a gay male nor do I have any interest in actually being with a man, nor have I ever actually done anything with a man (or cheated with a woman).


Then why did you post and have one-offs. You don't seriously think anyone would believe you had no intention of doing anything if you were posting up ads for it and having one-off occasions. Do you? 

The ball is in her court. All you can do is wait and see what she decides.

If you were in her position, would you believe her if she said there was no intent?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sf123 said:


> Thanks Alex. I've been struggling with that exact thing. I only ever engaged in this behavior when I was away from my wife. I was certainly conscious of the fear of getting caught (it disgusted me and discouraged me from doing it any further). I never considered sharing the behavior with her because it seemed deviant to me and inconsistent with who I really was or what I really felt. It devastates me that I kept anything from her, particularly something of this nature. I also think that the reason I chose to do this in the manner I did was due to the anonymous nature of it and empty emotions involved; I certainly did not want to spark any sort of relationship (I had what I needed in that from my wife). I also should note that I am not repulsed by gay relations, as I have many gay friends whom I supportive of. *However, I'm just not interested in partaking in that*.




Are you for real?? You are saying you have no interest in it yet you are posting ads for it. 

You believe your own lies.


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## sf123 (Feb 20, 2012)

I was certainly living a deceitful existence in doing this, but I disagree with assertions that I'm not for real. I got opportunities out of this that I never acted on, but yes, I do agree with you that it must be extremely difficult for my wife to believe me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you explored what this activity may mean to the nature of your sexuality? 

Could you accept the fact that you may actually be attracted to men? Sounds like you are down on yourself for the activities as well as hurting your wife. I don't think we have conscious control over our sexual orientation. 

I concur that the deception and hiding was very bad but the attraction in and of itself is not, in my view. This is a mess, one because it involves a woman you clearly love. But you may be ignoring another more personal crisis, your sexuality. 

You will never be ok with your wife and yourself if you do not explore what this means. By explore i mean therapy. I can tell you to forget the cultural bias against homosexuality but that is the root problem it it not. If you had a son who came out to you would you love him any less. Would you support him to accept his orientation? 

Treat yourself as if you were a beloved child. Be kind and gentle. Accept and comfort yourself. 

More importantly, figure out who you are and be that person. Accept that person then go to your wife and share who you are with her. She will be shocked at first, if your orientation is not what she thought. But if you are compassionate and supportive with her and yourself, you may come out of this knowing and liking yourself better. 

Your wife may find a good friend and suppoter in you as well. There is no shame to being a good and honest man with a moral compass, be he **** or heterosexual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My ex-h did the exact same thing. He at least admitted that he had bi-curious feelings but like you, he said he would never act on it, was in love with me, didn't know why he posted/responded to these ads, etc. After going through these episodes (and other issues) at least three times, I decided that I had been lied to enough and left. Guess what? He's now living with and engaged to a man.

The only way your wife is going to begin to believe you is to get yourself into individual counseling and marriage counseling. "I don't know why I did it" is not good enough. It's a cop out and it leaves the question open about how you will stop yourself in the future. If you don't know why you are doing it now, what triggered you to start and how can you avoid that? You have to be able to answer those questions honestly for yourself and your wife.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Right,

That is a splendid answer. Now if that was the full honest story I suggest you simply show your partner this thread as a start. 

With complete openness about this comes understanding and with that a raised level of trust. She most likely fears lack of love from you. Opening your heart will help her feel secure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You aren't ready to acknowledge the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Whatever it is you seem to be acting out because of some deep frustration/resentment/issue.

Often times people with resentment issues act out towards the other gender because that is who they view as responsible for their own negative feelings.

But the fact that your outlet/target is other men, I would think you should really look into that.

You maybe feeling deeply ashamed due to the social conditioning that you are in denial.


Or perhaps there is something about traditional gender roles that you feel expected to live up to that is actually frustrating you. And you are seeking out something opposite to that?

Or perhaps you feel more comfortable around men than women?

It could be many things.

You're obviously reaching out for some reason.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

sf123 said:


> My wife caught me doing something awful and now wants to leave. In short, she discovered craigslist posts and email discussions with men over the past 6 months on a few one-off occasions. I am not a gay male nor do I have any interest in actually being with a man


What good can it possibly due to deny the obvious?

You think you can just sweep your obvious bisexuality under the rug?

That won't work. Even if you don't want to be gay.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Straight dudes dont solicit acts with other dudes for no reason.

There's always a reason...otherwise why not solicit from a woman?

I agree with JellyBeans....you're just not ready to admit anything yet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, I wouldn't buy your story either, so I don't blame your wife for not trusting you. What exactly were you looking for on CL and in your e-mail discussions if it wasn't for gay partners? A fishing buddy? Someone to shoot hoops with?

As someone who cheated on their spouse, and found partners through on-line sites, I can say that you're likely just one "right response" away from following through. Someone will say the right thing at the right time, and the rest will be history.

As Catherine said, there's nothing wrong with being straight, bi, or gay. But be honest with who you are, and what you want.

Have you considered counselling of some sort? It may get you some answers, and it may give your wife some comfort to know you're taking this seriously. Have you opened up all your communication to her? Let her have access to your e-mail, phone (and phone records), put a key-logger on the computer, etc? Basically, do all the things that a disloyal spouse would do to prove to their spouse that they're not cheating anymore.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Straight dudes dont solicit acts with other dudes for no reason.
> 
> There's always a reason...otherwise why not solicit from a woman?
> 
> I agree with JellyBeans....you're just not ready to admit anything yet.


Right. And even if he was soliciting from women, it's still wrong because the bottom line is he is looking to f-ck other people over the internet while being married.


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