# We are Both Cheaters



## mikey77 (May 2, 2013)

Ok, so where do I start? My wife and I have been together for 25 years and married for 16 ½. Our sex life has not been great since kids 14 ½ years ago. We’re both always tired, her more so. I try trust me. Also, since kids, she doesn’t seem to like the way I touch her. Sex has become very vanilla. I will be honest, I have cheated on her with escorts on several occasions. But that was always just about the sex. Quick 1 hour of sexual gratification and I’m good. 

4 years ago, I met a co-worker and we hit it off as friends right away. A couple months into our friendship, we end up making out and she gave me oral. I was devastated. I felt so much guilt. Over the course of the last 4 years, my friend and I have hooked up on numerous occasions, and I always felt guilt and told myself I needed to stop this. The guilt went away about 1 ½ years ago. We are “really good friends”. She is getting re-married in a few months, and both of us would be devastated if something happened to the others relationship. Back in Nov, we admitted that we loved each other and even went thru a 2 month phase of “puppy love” with constant texting and phone calls and seeing each other twice a week. We both believe that it is possible to love more than one person in your life. I don’t want things to change between my wife and I. even though we are more like roommates than lovers, I love her very much and cant imagine not coming home to her and the kids.

Now the big part of my problem. A couple months ago I find my wife texting her old highschool bf. Ok now big deal, he lives 1500 miles away. Well, I see a couple of text that say “I miss u”….”I wish you were here”. Then 2 days ago, she says he’s coming to the area for business and she’s going out with her old crowd for a “re-union”. I tell her as long as it’s a group. She says, “I’m married and so is T”. Well I use Verizon integrated messaging so I can see all her text on my computer, and I find out that she is meeting just him. This was last night. This morning I look back at the text and she has the following:

_Me: I don't want to go home 
T : I didn't want you to go home
Me: Thx for an incredibly memorable night.. XoxoSent
T : Thank you! I missed you so much! Xoxo...I'm sorry I was so stupid & immature. I lay awake at night with so much regret
Me: Please don't apologize.. I think a lot about what could have been but it's no ones fault. Its just the way things worked out. I will always have a very special place in my heart for you. I will really miss you xoxo. 
T : I miss you too and there is always a special place in my heart for you. Take care, drive carefully, sleep well & know that I am always thinking of you. 
Me: I'm always thinking of you tooSent
Me: Almost home. Text me tomorrow xoxo
Me: Morning Sent
T: Hi! Good morning 
Me: Sleep well?Sent
T : Nope. Couldn't stop thinking of you 
Me: Yeah.. I had the same problem Sent
Me: We should have been awake together Sent
T : I like that idea
Me: Me too!Sent_

Ok….so I know she slept with him. I know I need to confront her, but that’s the pot calling the kettle black. I know I should cut things off with my friend, but I can’t stop seeing/talking to her. She obviously has an emotional attachment to him as well or maybe it’s just escapism. 
I don’t know what to do.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You betrayed her. 

She betrayed you. 

Either you're a perfect match and I'd forget about it or maybe find someoe who you don't betray and won't betray you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

funny how your cheating with escorts was no big deal until she did it to you


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> funny how your cheating with escorts was no big deal until she did it to you


Nevermind the escorts, how about the A with the co-worker, where the OP admits that he and his AP believe that one can love more than one person?

You see, the thing of it is, a cake eater doesn't like it when their spouse decides to cake eat as well. 

To the OP: The marriage is over. You killed it with the escorts and the co-worker. There is nothing you can do about it except call it as it is. Over. We encourage WSs to own their affairs, and since both of you have now cheated, you really have nothing to say against your W that you can't say about yourself. Time to call it a "draw" and end the charade.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Well, since your AP of four years and you believe that it is possible (and apparently acceptable) to love more than one person, then your W is in the clear, right? I think you should be relieved. Your W seems to be on the same page as you and your OW. The three of you get to be in love with and have sex with as many people as you want and life is great. The one I really feel sorry for is the chump the OW is marrying. Maybe you should clue him in. He might like your W.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

You need to confront her with this. And also admit to her about your one night stands and your emotional affair. 

If you BOTH decide you want to be together.. (And that's a big IF..) then start councellinge etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Make sure she gets tested for STD's.

Contact the OM's spouse or girlfriend.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Well, the escorts are a huge deal as well as the co-worker. 

Why would you be upset when she cheated on you? Right now you don't really have solid proof, but I don't doubt it could of happened.

Does your wife know about your several affairs? This makes you a serial cheater. Being a serial cheater is much worse then cheating once. Although both are extremely bad.

If my husband ever hired an escort just for the physical pleasure of sex, I'm packing up the kids and leaving. I'd file divorce the next day. I've done it once, I'll do it again. Cheating in my book is unforgivable.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mikey77 said:


> 4 years ago, I met a co-worker and we hit it off as friends right away. A couple months into our friendship, we end up making out and she gave me oral. I was devastated. I felt so much guilt. Over the course of the last 4 years, my friend and I have hooked up on numerous occasions, and I always felt guilt and told myself I needed to stop this. The guilt went away about 1 ½ years ago. We are “really good friends”. She is getting re-married in a few months, and both of us would be devastated if something happened to the others relationship. Back in Nov, we admitted that we loved each other and even went thru a 2 month phase of “puppy love” with constant texting and phone calls and seeing each other twice a week. *We both believe that it is possible to love more than one person in your life. I don’t want things to change between my wife and I. *even though we are more like roommates than lovers, I love her very much and cant imagine not coming home to her and the kids.



I dont see what your problem is. 

You believe it's possible to love more than one person.

You dont want things to change between your wife and you.

Nothing's changed. Further, your wife and you have the same belief.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You cheated with prostitutes and also had an affair with a co-worker, but you're mad that your wife cheated ?

Typical male ego double standard thinking. Its OK for guys to cheat but not women.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

barbados said:


> You cheated with prostitutes and also had an affair with a co-worker, but you're mad that your wife cheated ?
> 
> Typical male ego double standard thinking. Its OK for guys to cheat but not women.


I think this is true, but also he can really dish it out but can't take it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Poor fiancee. After living in the matrix for so long he's going to be a victim of fraud. He's planning a future. children, finances... with a fake reality.
He's not an individual with rights and free will. He's not even a person.

No mention of this poor fellow. The depersonalizationm the complete lack of empathy is so scary.


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## mikey77 (May 2, 2013)

you all have some good advice and some rightfully deserved bashing.
I'm not so much mad at her for what she's done. I've obviously not given her something she needs. albeit, attention, love, whatever.
I am confused on what to do overall. Part of me says confront her and come clean on my actions as well. Part of me says confront her and see if she brings up my actions....I dont know if she has an inkling about them.
I think what bothers me the most, is knowing that my wife that I have always thought of as "perfect" and "pure" has done this. My wife who has never been great in bed, but I saw beyond that because I love her, would have sex with another man. My wife who since the day I met her has always said "if you ever cheat on me you'll be out the door so fast".

Maybe we are perfect for each other. Maybe we continue our "sham" and go on as if nothing has happened.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Of course you haven't been giving her what she needs. You've been giving your love to another woman. And you seem to think that's A-OK. Until she surprises you by looking outside the marriage for the love and affection that you give to your OW.

Neither one of you is right - both of you are wrong, but now you've had your wake-up call.

There's another poster here with a similar experience. He might be willing to pm with you to talk.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66717-both-you-cheated-what-happened.html


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Of course you haven't been giving her what she needs. You've been giving your love to another woman. And you seem to think that's A-OK. Until she surprises you by looking outside the marriage for the love and affection that you give to your OW.
> 
> Neither one of you is right - both of you are wrong, but now you've had your wake-up call.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

No one who has spent years hiring hookers and having a LTA has been spouse of the year. Even if your wife doesn't know you're a cheater, she's known for a long time that your marriage is broken and that you've checked out. 

She's wrong for cheating. You're wrong for cheating. Now either divorce or both of you stop cheating and figure out how to be good spouses to one another.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

It seems that cheaters have no problem living out their fantasies and desires but once the loyal and faithful spouse cheats and plays the WS' games, the WS is so offended. To me it is almost amusing.

This situation either D or both need to come clean and actually build a marriage.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OP what did you expect? 
How can you dip your stick outside the marriage then be upset because she had her oil checked by someone else? 

The situations is effen lousy with obvious signs of a marriage that never was. If you want a real marriage, with this woman, you need to come clean and mean it when you say you won't be "that guy" again. She will need to do the same thing. 

And don't you dare blame her and she doesn't get to blame you. There's enough of that in this 'marriage' for two more marriages. 

Seriously, if you want it to work you need some damned good counseling. You both need smacked upside the head for your skewed vision of marriage.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> There's another poster here with a similar experience. He might be willing to pm with you to talk.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66717-both-you-cheated-what-happened.html


The poster *alte Dame* refers to in the above quote is yours truly.

*mikey77*, I will say this and you can do as you will:

If you continue your affair - you *WILL* divorce. When it happens is anyone's guess - but I assure you - it *WILL* happen. Think about this *every time* you're with your kids.

Many here on TAM will choke on this, but I truly understand your simultaneous feelings of love for the AP and your W - BTDT. There was never a time during my A that I would not have stepped in front of a bullet for my wife, and I did everything in my power to keep her satisfied - *EXCEPT* - give her my emotional support. 

What I see now (that I was blind to before), is my A caused me to detach emotionally from my W - without fully realizing it at the time. This distance caused her to look elsewhere for the emotional support and validation she needed. 

I think my A precipitated my W's A, and I take full responsibility for that. I wanted to R, she didn't want to put in the effort required, and unfortunately, we are in the process of divorce now. Thank goodness all our kids are grown. While it's hard on them, it would certainly be worse for them if they were younger and still at home.

Even though it appears your W has gone physical, I don't think she's a lost cause, mainly because you've discovered this A in it's infancy, relatively speaking. There are also kids involved, which will likely make her want to resuscitate the relationship. 

If you choose to end your A and want to work on resurrecting your marriage, please feel free to send me a PM. I have some suggestions that may be helpful in your situation. 

One thing I'll tell you now to *ABSOLUTELY NOT DO*: Do not confront her about her A and then use this as a "power position" to dictate what happens going forward. Your affair will eventually be discovered, and if you have played the "victimized" Betrayed Spouse - it will kill any chance of R you have.

So, the ball is in your court. You can stop your A and begin the work necessary to salvage your marriage and your *FAMILY* or you can - literally - carry on and most certainly face Divorce down the line.

Best of luck.

.


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