# Wondering what I am doing wrong



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

My Wife rarely initiates anything sexual..its probably been over two years since she has initiated..even when we were first married sex was not something she was too crazy about..she enjoys it only while we have it but she can very easily go weeks without it, she will only be less and less intimate with me..its always up to me to initiate not just sexual, but also any intimate contact with my wife..the only kind of physical contact she wants from me is to cuddle, and have me massage her..while she never massages me, unless I ask, but usually after 5-10 minutes she looses interest so she continues rubing my back but after a few minutes more she will want to sleep..
We dont have time for sex in the mornings as I get up around 6am...she works part time, usually till 6pm, after supper she is usually not in the mood for anything..at least I dont know, because she never initiates..if I do, then sure sex happens but 99 percent of the time sex is one sided with me doing it all..she more and more rarely returns the favor..
Overall..she enjoys sex when it happens..but her insecurities about her weight are keeping her from wanting to try different things, different positions, or initiating, at least thats what she says.
So, sex in our marriage has become the enemy..we are good together, we are nice and polite to each other..we tell each other we love each other all the time..but we dont have any intimacy like a couple with three and a half years of marriage should have. 
About once every two weeks I get sidetracked by porn..usually masterbait to it, feel really ****ty about it..I dont think I have an addiction, I always think that if my wife were to be more intimate with me I wouldnt desire looking at porn...but, most porn has hot women in it, they are attractive..its mostly the act of sex that excites me..but seeing a hot women with a nice ass and big boobs does look hot, I wont deny that, I dont think any man would, but I find my wife very attractive, and when we;re having sex its only her on my mind..sure it would be nice if she shed a few pounds, but she isn;t obese or anything, just a bit chubby, but women freak out if they;re a few pounds overweight..it confuses me why she doesn;t try to do anything about it by excercizing..instead she;ll just feel bad about it and its killing our marriage.

Any advice is appreciated, I want to make this marriage work..couldnt live with myself if I ever left my wife..feel ****ty enough about the porn already..


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Tell you wife that she is hot, even if you dint mean it...but you need to say it like you mean it. Give her a touch or a wink when you tell her. If you don't already tell her often she will not believe you at first. Be persistent and she will believe it. 

The key to a womans sex drive is her feeling sexually desired. If she feels sexy, if she feels wanted...needed...craved for, she will be hot for your. 

This is very different than begging, which has an opposite affect. You need to tell her you tnx her attractive without begging for sex. 

The other key to the sexual desire in women is the ability to ignite the feelings of new love and passion. That is quite a bit more difficult than making her feel more attractve, but you can do it. 

The wonderful side effect if telling your wife how sexy she is, is that once she believes it she will want to be even hotter for you. She will start excercing more and take more time to look good for you. That will inrease your own desire and ignite her feelings of passionate love. 

My $0.02
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucky_guy (Jan 23, 2011)

hubby said:


> Tell you wife that she is hot, even if you dint mean it...but you need to say it like you mean it. Give her a touch or a wink when you tell her. If you don't already tell her often she will not believe you at first. Be persistent and she will believe it.
> 
> The key to a womans sex drive is her feeling sexually desired. If she feels sexy, if she feels wanted...needed...craved for, she will be hot for your.
> 
> ...


I agree. Just telling someone how wonderful they look is a huge uplift to them.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Thanks for your response Hubby (um, that doesnt sound right)
I will try that starting today..I have in the past but I guess I have a difficult time trying to seperate Begging, and telling her how attractive she is..normally I will compliment her but I usually expect sex a few times a week and when it doesnt happen before too long I will complain about it..I cant keep quiet too long..probably longer than most but eventually I just get so frustrated I ***** at her for a while..I try to be constructive but that makes no difference..I should just focus on complimenting her and try to be serious and genuine I guess..I am usually joking around with people including my wife, most of the time she doesnt take me too serious, even if I compliment her..

More advice on how to be more genuine, how to get her to crave me more would be greatly appreciated.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

What do you look like? I think this is your second post where you touch on your wife's weight and in one sentence say you are attracted to her but then in the next say she is overweight. Now you mention the hot chicks in porn. Do you think she doesn't pick up on that? I know I did.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I think the part that makes it genuine is you believing it yourself and tell her with intensity, a gentle (or firm if she likes it) touch and eye contact that show that you want her. Then don't expect sex. It is very difficult, I know, but give it some time. I'd say at least a few months. If she does not start believing you, feel better about herself and start acting sexy, you will need a different approach. You will need her to make a tough decision...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Alright, we had some good sex last night after we talked a bit about the issue..of course she didn;t initiate any contact but sex is still good, I have no problem leading its just I wish she were to express her desire to return the favor as well...but maybe with my new No Complaining and begging approach, things might turn around..we will see..
Now my problem, as always is, after we have had good sex I usually want sex again the next day, if not the next then definitely the next, I feel we have fixed a problem and now I want to continue our sexual, Intimate relationship..but usually she doesnt care for sex two days in a row, usually she doesnt feel too horny till around 5+ days without sex..
Whats the best way for me to go about this, wondering if I am being selfish by wanting sex again tonight..
Is it that hard for her to just give me a blowjob if she doesnt want to orgasm herself..or what


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Wife isn't into sex, doesn't initiate it, it doesn't really concern her, she doesn't seem to be concerned about her husbands desires etc....
Husband raises the subject....wife feels guilty so feels she has to make an effort tonight....Phew...thats got me off the hook for anotehr few weeks.
Its called pity sex.
Sorry Marriedguy....but there are lots of us in the same boat as you...and lots of people tend to blame a sexless marriage on the husband....damned if we do, damned if we don't!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

She didn't have HD prior to the marriage, what made you think she was going to magically get more interested in sex AFTER the marriage?

This is where men/women go wrong. Things aren't great in every department prior to the marriage, but they believe things will change or they can effect change after the marriage - this never has and never will work.

It sounds as if the problem has nothing to do with you personally. Based on your post above, she isn't wild about sex and never has been - so I'm not surprise she is not initiating - she's not interested - and I don't think it has anything to do with you - it would be with any man.

So, unfortunately, unless your WIFE opens up and tells you exactly why she has LD and if she's not willing to meeting you halfway to work out a compromise - then you're screwed (not literally though). And in this case, you shouldn't feel guilty about the porn. I have no issues with porn unless they become a substitute in the marriage for the real-life people in it - something I'm dealing with in my marriage right now.

Have you sat down and really had a calm, heart-to-heart. No accusations, no YOU statements, no finger-pointing - just a honey, I really need to talk about this with you and then lay out why YOU (using I statements) are feeling this way and what can YOU (using I statements) can do to effect change in this area? Come up with some suggestions for her to consider - take some of the embarrassment away from her, if that's what she's feeling.

If this doesn't work and she isn't willing to meet you halfway, then you have a very hard choice to make. Porn for the rest of your life, or freedom.

Unfortunately I know how you feel...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

My husband could have written this about me a year ago! And it wasn't that I didn't like sex, I didn't feel connected to him outside the bedroom, so I wasn't enthused in the bedroom. I'd feel horny, and hint or kiss him, but we just weren't affectionate and we were busy with 2 young kids. Now, we've reevaluated our marriage, and I'm more attracted to him. I can't get enough sex. I still need the physical attention, my love language is physical touch and quality time. But by doing those things, it makes me much more emotionally attached to him and I want to have sex with him. Have you considered your love languages? Maybe you think things are alright or at a normal point in your marriage, but there's something else missing? Just something to think about. Google 5 love languages if you're curious. There's an online quiz you can take, and if you're interested in more there is a fantastic book.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> My husband could have written this about me a year ago! And it wasn't that I didn't like sex, I didn't feel connected to him outside the bedroom, so I wasn't enthused in the bedroom. I'd feel horny, and hint or kiss him, but we just weren't affectionate and we were busy with 2 young kids. Now, we've reevaluated our marriage, and I'm more attracted to him. I can't get enough sex. I still need the physical attention, my love language is physical touch and quality time. But by doing those things, it makes me much more emotionally attached to him and I want to have sex with him. Have you considered your love languages? Maybe you think things are alright or at a normal point in your marriage, but there's something else missing? Just something to think about. Google 5 love languages if you're curious. There's an online quiz you can take, and if you're interested in more there is a fantastic book.



I've take the quiz (I'm physical touch) and my husband wouldn't take it, so since we've been together 27 years I took it for him (know him pretty well in most areas), his is acts of service.

So here I am busting my a** off for him and getting little in return.

I think his brain injury in 2008 has changed him (mentally) more than I thought. He used to hold me and try to calm me if we got into an argument and I started crying. Now, he just asks me to leave the room when I cry as I'm getting on his nerves.

I may just have to accept things the way they are or give up. I'm not there yet, still keeping my fingers crossed that things will turn out like I want them to.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

We have both read the book Five Languages of Love, well we tried readling it together but she lost interest right aways so I just read the whole thing by myself..put it in the bathroom if shes ever interested but she never cared so I gave it away..
Anyways, we both took the Quiz and according to the book we are both Physical Touch..but the quiz is kinda bull**** because it will ask stupid questions like :

would you rather

a: Come home to a romantic dinner and sex afterwards..

b: Come home with spouse having done the dishes...


Well of course the answer for EVERYBODY would be A..even with the ACTS OF SERVICE spouse..even my wife would say A..She loves Sex, she just never initiates..I mean, she LOVES sex about once a week, but only when theres almost zero effort from her side..


So last night I screwed it all up again..we had Good sex the night before, yesterday we were good all day, afterwork we were being close like we havent been for months..and after a movie we went to bed, I was more than ready for sex..again, she didnt seem to care whatsoever for sex..so I got some pity hand job out of it..couldnt sleep afterwards, and I started talking to her again..as always I try to do it with no finger pointing...but usually I get so frustrated and become almost mad and made her cry once again..feel like **** today again..she thinks she sucks in bed, at making me happy..
I told her thats not the problem, the problem is her not opening up to me and her not initiating...I told her the sex is usually awesome..

Today will be a long day at work..


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Broken record here, but you have to (and I mean this in the nicest possible way):

1. Grow a spine. You know what I mean.

2. Make the decision to get serious about this issue . . . or learn to be satisfied with mediocre pity sex for the rest of your life until she cuts you off all together. It'll happen, if you don't take steps.

3. Once you make the decision, then you need to let her know what your ideal expectations are, what you're willing to work on, and what -- specifically -- you want to see from her in the short term. You aren't demanding, insisting, or giving an ultimatum, you're telling her how you want things to be and how you're willing to work with her to achieve that goal. Spell it out. Use small words, if necessary. But being wishy-washy about your desires is handing her a weapon she can use on you over and over again.

4. Let her cry. Female tears in such situations, while often expressive of sincere emotion, are also evolutionarily designed to play on your empathy for protecting the vulnerable. I'm not saying _make_ her cry, but if she pulls out the tears, ignore them. They're a distraction.

5. Be willing to walk away from the table.

Not on the whole relationship, of course, but if you really want to keep her off balance, look her in the eye and tell her that you've decided you're not going to have sex with her at all this week, but don't give any more elaborate explanation for your decision. That will be both perplexing for her and out of character for you, but since you probably won't anyway, under normal circumstances, you haven't lost anything. If she insists you give a reason, just shrug and smile and say "it's an experiment," and walk away. You will start this whole train of thought in her head about exactly why you made that decision, and whether or not it has anything to do with her, which will add to a cascade of confusion and insecurity.

Not that she isn't already insecure, more than likely, especially if she started crying during your discussion. But a week cool-down period, where you accept the fact that you WILL NOT be having sex, so why bother with all the usual begging, suggesting, initiating, pursuit, anxiety, self-doubt, self-esteem, fear, anger, resentment and confusion you usually contend with on a daily basis? By taking a week off, you give each of you the opportunity for perspective.


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