# Dispair



## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

My husband is currently overseas and has been for 4 out of the 5 years we have been married. Up until early this year, we have handled the distance and our marriage well and have coped with the seperation together. I found out a week ago that back in July, he had an affair with a co-worker. She is no longer there, but they have carried on an emotional connection via internet and telephone. I stumbled upon this by accident. There was pictures of them together and messages of love and longing for one another. When I confronted my husband, he denied that there was anything physical at 1st. That it was just stupid internet bullsh*t. It wasn't until I spoke with the other woman that he finally admitted to that. He claims that he made a huge mistake and that he does want our marriage and that he no longer has contact with this woman. On one hand, he professes his complete shame and regret for his actions...then a day or two later, he says that he is sick of it and thinks he would be better off alone. Then 2 hours later he calls and apologizes for saying that and says he loves me and wants our marriage. I can't handle the mind games. I just don't know what to believe. How can I know for sure? To make matters worse, he is in a high level of stress occupation, we just suffered the loss of his mother and since we are seperated, it feels like we can't work on the marriage the way we need to. I feel it is time for him to come home and he says he agrees, but that until he can find gainful employment in the US, he won't come back. I feel like I am battling so many things just to keep this marriage..the distance, the other woman, employment issues, etc. My biggest fear is that in the end, I'll have been fighting these battles for nothing. That he will one day say to me he no longer loves me and wants out of the marriage. I am so confused. The only other emotion I can feel is complete dispair.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Do the two of you have children or real property together?

draconis


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

*((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) *

Can YOU tell ME....... What your deep emotional feelings tell you to do?


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

We don't have children and we have only begun shopping for a home. I'm not sure if I understand the question about my deep emotions. My emotions are very cluttered. I go from utter dispair most of the time to fleeting moments of hope.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Doubt&Wonder said:


> *((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) *
> 
> Can YOU tell ME....... What your deep emotional feelings tell you to do?



Easier way to say it is what is your gut telling you?

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Nothing is nailing you down. He cheated then lied to cover up his cheating. Now he is wishy-washy about the marriage. If he wanted to come home he would. It is that easy. I think you need to decide what is best for you, not your marriage, YOU. Then move from there.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

When a person isn't consistent about what they want out of a relationship it's really difficult to continue to build a future with them. Ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want to continue to have.

Has he told you why the affair happened (without blaming you)? If he doesn't know is he willing to go to counseling? Affairs don't have to be just physical. If he's continuing contact, then he's not respecting you or your relationship.


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

draconis said:


> Easier way to say it is what is your gut telling you?
> 
> draconis


To a guy....... YES - to a woman *maybe not* -


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

evenow said:


> When a person isn't consistent about what they want out of a relationship it's really difficult to continue to build a future with them. Ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want to continue to have.
> 
> Has he told you why the affair happened (without blaming you)? If he doesn't know is he willing to go to counseling? Affairs don't have to be just physical. If he's continuing contact, then he's not respecting you or your relationship.



A very good point an emotional affair can hurt you just as bad.


Doubt&Wonder ~  I am a guy what can I say we look at saying the easiest thing we can.

draconis


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

1st let me say that I appreciate everyone's response. Ok..it's true that we have no "ties" such as children..but I love him. And to be honest...even though I am extremely hurt and I hate what he did..I'm not really even all that MAD at him..and I don't know why!! We had a talk and he said that he has racked his brain as to why the affair even happened, and he said all he can say is that it was because she was there. He said the reason he flies off the handle and says that he is sick of the whole thing is because he feels so guilty, and every time we talk about it, he is reminded of how badly he hurt me and he just doesn't want to face that. He never blamed me and he claimed (and she confirmed) that he never intended to leave me or end our marriage. He said it started out as a friendship, then they let it get out of control. He said he was so ashamed that after awhile, the way he began to deal with the guilt was to make himself believe it wasn't really cheating because he knew he loved me and still wanted our marriage throughout it all. He said he got caught up in everything and that if he had been home none of this would have ever happened because he would never have been in a position to miss my companionship so much. He said he made a mistake that he will regret for the rest of his life, but that he truly loves me and wants our marriage to grow past this. I feel in my gut I can believe that. What we have is so special. A lot of people that we know always say that they wish they could have 1/2 of the type of love we have for one another. Even the OTHER WOMAN said this to me. I feel like she saw in him the things that made him such a wonderful husband to me and wanted it for herself. Although I blame him because he is the one who us supposed to protect me from these types of things, I feel like the flesh is weak and she took advantage of his weakness. I am still confused and wonder if I can ever trust him completely again..but I feel like I'm willing to try..Am I a fool? Ok...with all that said, can you see how confused I am?!!


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

((((hurtandconfused))))) I have sympathy for you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Of course you are confused. I would be too. My wife and I have that perfect marriage. I know if I cheated she'd never forgive me, ever period no matter how good the rest of the marriage was and how great of a father I am. But it sounds like the problems go deeper too. That you two seem happier then you are. 

Can you build trust, love and respect again. Yes i have a friend on another forum that did exactly that. Claims her and her husband are doing great together. It can happen and seems you want it too.

What bothers me reading what you wrote is it always seems like there are deeper issues.

draconis


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

Deeper issues...I don't know what deeper issues there are. We have what some people would call an unconventional marriage due to the fact that we have been living apart for so long. Obviously for too long. I feel like we pushed the envelope and now our marriage is paying the price. In my first post, I explained that there are several factors that are playing a part in this. The 1st being the fact that he cheated. 2nd..the distance. 3rd...employment issues (a job here in the US)..4th..the passing of his mother last month...These are all deep issues. Maybe in my state of mind right now,I am having a hard time understanding what you mean.... I will say that I am trying a different approach right now...Since I said I wanted to work things out, I am trying not to mention the whole incident when we talk ( our conversations have to be brief since they are long distance and he is at work) and I a trying not to be too needy or clingy in that I have stopped calling him on every impulse I have to talk to him. It's hard but I realize that I can cause just as much damage to our marriage if I smother it themn if I just learn to give it a little breathing space in light of what has happened. Does that make any sense?


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

Andrea....I appreciate that...but I think I will be ok with time..it just hurts like hell right now and I I pray that it will ease up.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

hurtandconfused said:


> Deeper issues...I don't know what deeper issues there are. We have what some people would call an unconventional marriage due to the fact that we have been living apart for so long. Obviously for too long. I feel like we pushed the envelope and now our marriage is paying the price. In my first post, I explained that there are several factors that are playing a part in this. The 1st being the fact that he cheated. 2nd..the distance. 3rd...employment issues (a job here in the US)..4th..the passing of his mother last month...These are all deep issues. Maybe in my state of mind right now,I am having a hard time understanding what you mean.... I will say that I am trying a different approach right now...Since I said I wanted to work things out, I am trying not to mention the whole incident when we talk ( our conversations have to be brief since they are long distance and he is at work) and I a trying not to be too needy or clingy in that I have stopped calling him on every impulse I have to talk to him. It's hard but I realize that I can cause just as much damage to our marriage if I smother it themn if I just learn to give it a little breathing space in light of what has happened. Does that make any sense?


Before you found out he cheated how would you have described your marriage? Was there other things of great issue for the two of you?

Why can't he just pack up and start a job in the US?

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

If you've explained this I apologize. Why can't you move there? An unconventional marriage is fine, but it doesn't sound like he can handle the distance. I don't know his industry, but maybe it would be a good idea to take a pay cut, go back to school or find a similar industry to work in--do what he has to do to find a job in the US. OR, perhaps you look for a position there. Perhaps you can get a job (or another/better one) in order to supplement his income.

I know you'd rather him be with you than a paycheck.

It worries me that he had an affair because "she was there". The true measure of his remorse over this is the lengths he's willing to go to get you to trust him again. I understand you can't hold this incident over his head forever, but has anything been proposed to prevent this from happening in the future? When/How do you get to come to grips with how this event has made you feel?


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

Evenow...Thank you for responding..It's funny you mention that because I actually have looked into taking a leave of abscence from my job to go over there (he is in the middle east) but it couldn't happen. I am a federal agent. I can't just pick up and go and I can't just quit that kind of a job. My career is 16 years strong...his job pays VERY well..but it is a contract job..so when the contract ends (and eventually it will).. where would we be then? We have been looking to find him something here in the surrounding area where we live, but so far nothing. He doesn't want to come home until he is sure to have a job that pays more than minimum wage. These were always our goals PRE-affair...It's not that he doesn't wWANT to come home now..it's just that the since of urgency has gone up a notch or two and we both are having a hard time finding something for him. Our marriage is worth more than a paycheck...but I can only imagine what types of issues financial hardship will add to our current situation. If he were to come home right now, without a job lined up, and he can't find an adequate job for himself, he will only end up resenting me and then THAT would be a whole other issue!! I am trying to fix this but keep the BIG picture in mind. Do you know what I mean?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

hurtandconfused ~ My work helped to drive my first marriage into the ground. That was when I figured that the money just wasn't worth it. With my current wife we had a different situation. When the MDA pulled me from my last job we lost a ton of money and had to find a way to survive on 25% of what we use to. The money wasn't as important as the relationship. I hope the two of you can find a way. I don't know what type of contract work he is doing but I would think something similar must be in the states. 

It really sounds like you want to put every effort into the relationship. I wish you the best. It sounds like he is willing to fix things too. As one person can't fix things themselves it is helpful to have a wanting partner.

draconis


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

Draconis...thank you for your continued interest in giving me helpful advice. I appreciate your opinion! As for how our marriage was PRE affair...Fabulous. We were each other's best friend. We spoke everyday, send e mails, cards packages. He comes home every 4 to 6 months for about 2 weeks and we would take trips or just stay home but we would be together. I recently transferred to a new area and started a new post, which means I have to earn a little more seniority to be able to take extended leave...so this cut down on our trip taking for the past 2 visits. He got promoted to position with a higher level of responsibility...stressful. We started house hunting...very stressful. His mother was diagnosed with cancer...Extremely stressful. All these things began at the beginning of the year. By June, I felt there was a distance ( not just the miles!) beginning between us. I even mentioned my concerns that I felt he may be getting caught up in something that could end up badly, but he said nothing was going on. Then I noticed some of the behaviors that you mentioned in your thesis (very good by the way). He was very short tempered with me (which was different) and nothing I seemed to do was ever right. I was very confused and exasperated at his behavior..and in my GUT I KNEW there was something wrong...but I had no proof. Nothing but a "feeling". He later told me that the time I started mentioning that I felt something was wrong, was just about the time he went too far with the friendship he had with this co worker. She left the job within weeks of the physical encounters (why is it so hard for me to say sex) but they continued to e mail and call each other. She lives in a whole other state from us. He claims that after she left, he felt like it was over but continued the contact because it was someone to talk to and they did initially have a friendship. He said he knew it was wrong to say the things he said to her (the love and missing parts) but he figured he knew he would never see her again so he didn't think it would ever come to anything. It was just bullsh!t talk to him. I think he did have a connection with her. I spoke with her and honestly ( I hate to admit it) we have a lot in common. But I am his WIFE, and she IS NOT ME so there is no excuse....(I didn't mean to ramble! my point was that we had a very good marriage that until he f*@ked up, was full of friendship, love and most of all respect....)


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Money ~ can always be such a stressful thing. My father-in-law once had a great job and they always had extra money. When he had to take a lower paying job he still wanted to spend money like he had before. Finally my mother-in-law sat him down said "Here is you check, her is mine. These are the bills you pay them!" He realized why they had been fighting for months over money. My wife and I did just the opposite and learned from their mistakes. FOr that I am thankful that once once have we ever argued about money.

Distance ~ it can be very hard on any relationship. One thing I enjoy is kissing and hugging my wife everyday. Neither of us leaves the house without it. Or comes in. I think it would drive me crazy not knowing or being able to have that type of relationship. You are a very strong women for being able to do that. One of my friends parents were like that. His father spent two weeks a year in the states and the rest working over seas. His mother worked two full time jobs not that she had to (He made good six digit figures) but she wanted to as she got bored of being at the house by herself.

I read your posts and think of so many people that have one quality I admire. You have so many of them. Forgiveness is hard, and he has a long road ahead of him. I think it would be fair that you ask him to be transparent so you can know him again and trust can slowly build back up.

I wish you the best of luck and I will keep being here.

draconis


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

I do want to forgive him... and I believe I will in time. I have prayed about it and everyday I am finding a peace within myself that is helping me cope. I know my husband is a good man. Albeit a flawed man, but a good one all the same. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable in our marriage and in eventually trusting him again. He told me to take all the time I needed because he recognizes he is at fault. At first, when I would mention anything about the affair, he would get upset and shut down. But as each day goes by, not only is he learning to give me what I need to be able to move on from this, but I am learning the positive way of how to ask for what I need. I stopped asking no-win questions that ultimately, I really didn't need or want to know the details on. I know the bottom line fact. He was unfaithful. Period..THERE'S THE BEEF...all the rest is garnish. What I had to decide was this...was I willing to swallow what was on the plate knowing that although it may leave a bad taste in my mouth, eventually my body will dispose of it....or do I excuse myself from the table. I choose to stay at the table..and seriously...who eats the garnish on a plate anyway?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I don't know what makes your post so good, the fact that you could describe the things happening in a way I can clearly understand or the fact that It's all about food and I am on a diet right now.

Clearly you want to work it out and so does he. I would think it to be helpful to others what were the wrong questions and what were the right questions to ask. As time goes on others will come to this site in your situation and I hope you are still around to offer the advice of what you did.

More then posters though many lurkers are here just looking for answers. It would help them too.

Just in case you aren't here in the future or can't remember everything fresh I think it would be helpful. In the end I know it is personal and it is up to you if you want to share all of it. I hope you do but understand if you do not.

draconis


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

I went back and was reading what I have posted and thought..."If I was reading this post, I would think this lady is nutz!"....I went from utter dispair to nearly complete exceptance in a matter of days! I know it must seem like I am in denial or just going through phases...but I honestly do think I have found a peaceful place that is helping me cope and be rational. I just think that this forum was very helpful simply for the fact that it helped me get what I was feeling out there..and helped me sort it out.


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I don't think you sound crazy at all. Sometimes you just need to share.

Thanks for answering my question. I do understand that having a resentful spouse would be a terrible solution to any issue. I hope you have some sort of timetable soon where he can return home and you two can work this out.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

hurtandconfused said:


> I went back and was reading what I have posted and thought..."If I was reading this post, I would think this lady is nutz!"....I went from utter dispair to nearly complete exceptance in a matter of days! I know it must seem like I am in denial or just going through phases...but I honestly do think I have found a peaceful place that is helping me cope and be rational. I just think that this forum was very helpful simply for the fact that it helped me get what I was feeling out there..and helped me sort it out.


Crazy no, not at all. I think we all can be honest enough to say at times things are confusing for us.

I am glad to see the forums helped you. I hope it will continue to do so.

draconis


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## hurtandconfused (Nov 3, 2007)

You guys are awesome..the fact that you take the time to come onto this forum everyday just to be helpful and encouraging to people is unbelievable. It's great to to know there are still decent people in this world!


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