# Wife pawn between me and parents (complex)



## xayoz (Sep 26, 2017)

Hi all,

New to this site.. I will try to keep this summary brief but because of the complexity of the situation I am aiming to give as many facts as possible.

*Background:*
I met my wife overseas, we're both from different countries. We got married rather quickly in order for her not to be deported and eventually lived together for 4 years before moving to her motherland. Our bond was incredibly strong from day one. Our friends and family saw us as a power couple, we were always holding hands and close in public gatherings. We are married for 6 years and have no children together. My wife has been suffering from mental illness (depression and anxiety) for the last 20 years, and is taking high dosages of SSRI's to cope with daily life. In order to have children her meds must cease. Throughout our first 4 years together she was feeling so well that she was gradually able to decrease her meds up to the point where it was virtually zero. My wife is incredibly close to her mother (she is like a goddess to her) and in order for her to take the step to have children we had to move to her home country so she could be closer to her mother. We moved countries and immediate entered a stressful time. Her first job here wasn't good for her, her boss was a bully, I couldn't find work and her meds went back to the normal (high) levels. I eventually found work and we got back into the routine of life and things were good. Up until the point towards the end of last year I got dismissed by my employer in a grossly unfair manner. The way I was pushed out and treated, and the fact that there are considerable bonus payments outstanding (that they are refusing to pay) led me to raising a legal complaint against my former employer.

*Events leading up:*
When I raised the legal complaint my wife was really upset with me. She told me I should have thought things through and talked to her first. The situation made me so upset that I didn't see any other option at the time. They gave me a piece of paper which I had to respond to within six hours and I felt the terms on it were totally out of line. I left the situation dwell for three months or so. Throughout that time we had family visits from overseas and other positive distractions. Then the projects I was supposed to be rewarded for were signed off and it was possible for me to make a claim so I instructed my employment lawyer to seek a hearing to discuss the complaint. My ex-employer kept dancing around the issue saying there was no problem and I had no valid complaint. Finally after another three months they agreed to sit down and talk. The way it works in this country is that you need to attempt an informal manner of resolving employment conflicts before going to court, so by my ex-employer avoiding the matter they were effectively stalling the case and stringing me along.

In the mean time, still being unemployed I started focussing on my own business and finding alternative ways of gathering income. My ex-employer made my life extremely difficult by spreading bad news about me throughout my niche industry. Everywhere I tried to land a job I got rejected, and at one stage a company openly admitted they could not hire me because my ex-employer had threatened to redirect their business to a competitor if they did hire me. The dwelling situation caused great stress on me, but even worse stress on my wife. She was concerned about me being unable to get a job, not earning sufficient money and the impeding doom of this "scary" legal situation was brutally aggravated by her medical condition (anxiety).

Throughout the entire period she kept nagging me. "Get a job", "drop the case", "move on". Repeat. I had this broken record play for almost half a year straight and it started making me go numb.

Our levels of intimacy decreased, we were only cuddling for brief periods of time instead of entire evenings or weekends on the sofa. I started feeling distant from her because of her constant moaning to drop this case. To me the case was a matter of principle, my ex-boss had become a good friend, he knew of our plans to buy a house and have children, he knew he promised me a significant bonus for those projects, and he chose to eject me from the company 1 day before the project's contract was formalised to escape his responsibilities. It wasn't necessarily about the money (although that was a nice thing to have) but more about the principle that he screwed me over.

After a few months my wife suggested going to counselling. During these sessions all that happened was her blaming me for not wanting to move on, not looking for work (I was, but not as hard as I could have) and being obsessed with this legal case. I apologised and through the sessions she got some understanding as to why this case was so important to me. We ceased counselling thinking everything was going to be OK once the first hearing was done and continued our lives. We also booked a holiday right after the legal hearing date, to escape and relax once it was done as I fully expected the case to be settled by then.

*The disappearance:*
The date of the first legal hearing came up. During the weekend leading up to it I asked my wife if she was feeling okay about it. (She said she would attend to support me). She snapped back at me and said that she was going to see her mother and would be back later that day. I said OK, no problem I'll see you later. She grabbed her work bag and walked out of the house.
Later that afternoon I reached out to her to see if she was coming home for dinner and she said she was going to stay for a while. She didn't come home that night.
Next morning I woke up and when checking online banking (a daily habit) I noticed she had taken half her money out of the bank account.

She came back the next day to pick up some more clothes and said she was going to live with her mother and step-dad for a while. She said she still loved me but was no longer in love with me and she needed time apart. I was absolutely destroyed, at the time I had no idea about separation and I thought that she was headed for divorce just like that. I couldn't believe she would throw six years of magic moments in the bin just like that, simply because of a disagreement about this legal case.

*The aftermath:*
We had three more counselling sessions where talked about things and again it was a torrent of her blaming me for not listening to her, I had done everything wrong, etc. etc. All I could do in those sessions was break down in tears and apologise for my stance in the situation and telling her I was going to make changes to my life in order to make her happy again. Changes such as going to the gym, finding work and I said I would drop the case if she wanted me to. She responded with "so this is what it takes for you to drop it". I said she had always been the most important thing in my life and didn't want to lose her. After those three miserable weeks went by the holiday we had previously booked came up. She sent me some angry text messages the days leading up to it saying things like "if you are going to be on that plane I won't be going". I told her there were several options (such as me staying in different accommodation or departing or arriving at other dates). She said no there is only one option and that is that I'm going alone or I'm going somewhere else. Because the trip was $5k and non-refundable I allowed her to go on her own. In the end I found out that my MIL went with her in my place (!relevant point here!).

When returning from the trip we had another session and the counsellor asked what we wanted to get out of it. I said that for me things were obvious and I wanted to get my wife back. 
My wife was asked the same question, shook her head and said that she didn't want to work on the marriage any more. When I asked her "WHY!?" she said "I don't have the energy".
We talked about a few more things back and forth but she said she had done a lot of thinking during her holiday and made lists of good and bad things about me and came to the conclusion that she didn't see a future. She also said "This will sound very harsh but I have realised that I do want children but I don't want to have them with you". It kicked me down in such a manner I have not known pain like that before in my lifetime. After that session we had a one-on-one chat in the car about practical stuff, finances, etc. She gave me a hug and kissed me three times and said "I will always care deeply about you and have fond feelings for you". I was totally confused and spent days bawling my eyes out and feeling like a miserable pile of nothing.

*Confrontation:*
After that session, all communication broke down. She only sporadically sent me e-mails about practical stuff and texts from me to her went unanswered or received delayed responses.
She pretty much silenced me for three weeks straight and I was desperate to get some form of explanation. I reached out to her parents, her mother said that she did not want to talk to me. MIL said "you need to go to your own parents for support, we are only here for our daughter.". "Our role is to support her not judge her". I reached out to her step-dad a few weeks later and he agreed to meet me.
He gave me a 3 hour bollocking telling me what I miserable husband I had been, that I had disrespected my wife. He told me "I saw this coming months ago". I asked him why he didn't do anything about it? He responded "I didn't want to interfere". He also said "you will never see your wife again". He told me to pack up the house and move back to my home country. Accept that this marriage was over and move on to the next one. I said I refused to accept that, she is still my wife. He said "she stopped being your wife the moment she walked out of that door". I said "so can she get married tomorrow?". He said "no but that's just a formality, it's just a piece of paper". It says something about their attitude towards marriage, I have to note MIL has been divorced once and step-dad divorced twice. He also said "it's time to stop being Mr. Nice Guy and get f*kng angry".

*Her escape:*
Desperate for answers and with no communication from my wife I did something cheeky. She was silly enough to leave her old phone behind at the house when her stuff was collected and it was unprotected and still logged in to social media. It took me a handful of minutes to find that in the weeks after our last counselling session she had: seen her (now married) ex several times and made out with him passionately, had been advised by MIL to go on dating sites and had 3 dates and had unprotected sex with the last date she met. This understandably blew my fuses.

Here is my lovely wife of six years, who I deeply care about, walking out of our marital home, abandoning her husband and cat and going on a sexual rampage across town as if she was 18. And worst of all the behaviour was endorsed and encouraged by MIL!

I spoke to many of our mutual friends about the situation throughout this time and, as you can expect, one person said something to the wrong person and it came back to DW.
She drew the conclusion that I was controlling, manipulative and that I had betrayed her by spying on her, and all sorts of other false things. She told the counsellor that she was "fkn" angry with me and didn't want anything to do with me any more. At that moment she unfriended and banned me on FB and almost all of her immediate family did the same (MIL, grandparents, etc.).

*Current situation:*
She has cut communication with nearly all of her friends, certainly most mutual friends. Anybody that is likely to give her an opinion that she doesn't want to hear, she does not want to talk to. I have been talking to some of her friends who have known her for 15+ years and they don't recognise their friend any more. As a matter a fact the majority of them want nothing to do with her ever again because of the way she has treated me. Afaik she is still seeing this guy from the dating site in order to feel some form of happiness. Statistics say re-bound relationships are 90% likely to fail and I expect that once this escape path comes crashing down on her she will feel intense pain and grief (as she has not grieved at all!).

The legal case is still going as my ex-employer has heard of my marriage problems and feels bad. MIL however seems hell bent on preventing anything legal to happen. Step-dad contacted my employment lawyer with a request on behalf of the family to drop the case immediately as the case "was the only valid thing keeping me in the country". My lawyer considers this an attempt to pervert the cause of justice and is continuing to support me.

I feel that my wife has been used as a pawn by her parents. MIL has been nagging her for months to get me to drop this case and because she sees her mother as a goddess more important than her husband she got so frustrated with my constant denial to drop this case. Every time we had an argument my wife would sulk with the MIL and the MIL has been building up huge amounts of resentment towards me as her daughters DH. Eventually the MIL seems to have decided "you either have this case or my daughter". Because I refused to give up the case she has been manipulating her daughter for months to prep her to walk out on me. Things like taking half the money are very much unlike my wife who is very warm and kind-hearted and wouldn't normally do such a thing, but they are very much in the style of MIL who also executed this exercise when she split from DW's real dad.

My friends and family are telling me to act as if my wife is dead and not care about her at all but in my heart I love her so deeply that I'm even willing to forgive her for everything that she has done. Every day that goes by I still live in hope that somehow, magically she will contact me again and things can reconcile.
I certainly don't feel ready to move on and start seeing other women as it would feel mean to those others as my heart still belongs to DW.

I am currently using the NC/180 rule and am ignoring her completely, which she has made a lot easier by blocking me on FB. She seems to be doing the same towards me.

*Other relevant facts:*
* My employment lawyer is a family member (FIL of DW's brother)
* My MIL arranged the job interview with my ex-employer
* DW's parents divorced in a brutal manner and has a very complex relationship with her actual father
* Divorce of DW's parents triggered her depression & anxiety (and subsequent meds)
* I have always had a good relationship with MIL & step-dad and a great relationship with real dad
* When asked by the counsellor if DW wanted a divorce she responded "I don't know"


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your wife isn't a pawn. She chose her parents, home country and affairs over you. She was most likely seeing her ex before she left you also. 

Her parents will always protect her and throw you under the bus. Blood is thicker than water and while it's a very general statement look at mom now because that's what the daughter (your wife) will become. 

Your best course of action is divorce unfortunately. Every step of the way she has chosen something other than you and it was coercion on the in laws part.


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## xayoz (Sep 26, 2017)

Divorce isn't an option until two years of separation have expired (that is the law here). So many things can still happen in those two years. She could potentially even have a relationship with someone else and realise that it wasn't as fulfilling as the marriage with me. Also I have several indications that she is not fully confident about her decisions (I cannot publicly disclose what they are). So, despite everything I am still clutching on to hope. We always had an amazing marriage, it is simply this legal case that has torn us apart.

You are absolutely right that she chose her family over me, and that is a big part of what is hurting me as I moved halfway across the globe to be able to build a life with her. Luckily her real dad's side is being very supportive of me and they're trying everything they can for her to come to that realisation. For six years I have been led to believe that we were going to have a family together and to see those hopes and dreams shatter by the flick of a switch is simply a load of torment.

I believe that she says she "doesn't have the energy" because it means that she needs to fight with her mother over me, and prefers to avoid the conflict.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Plenty of more women out there. Move on and count your blessings you didn't have kids with her. You have no idea how lucky you are and how many people (including me) envy you. Glass half full, brother!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

xayoz said:


> Divorce isn't an option until two years of separation have expired (that is the law here). So many things can still happen in those two years. She could potentially even have a relationship with someone else and realise that it wasn't as fulfilling as the marriage with me. Also I have several indications that she is not fully confident about her decisions (I cannot publicly disclose what they are). So, despite everything I am still clutching on to hope.
> 
> You are absolutely right that she chose her family over me, and that is a big part of what is hurting me as I moved halfway across the globe to be able to build a life with her. Luckily her real dad's side is being very supportive of me and they're trying everything they can for her to come to that realisation. For six years I have been led to believe that we were going to have a family together and to see those hopes and dreams shatter by the flick of a switch is simply a load of torment.
> 
> I believe that she says she "doesn't have the energy" because it means that she needs to fight with her mother over me, and prefers to avoid the conflict.


Doesn't have the energy means I want what I want and I don't want to comprise or work on a solution. She's avoiding conflict with you, not her mom. 

You've still got the love goggles on and not stepping back and seeing her actions. Why would you ever take her back if she found someone else but wasn't as good as your relationship. Once your married trial runs with other people are done. Your better than being her plan b and the more you allow this continue the worse these situations get. 

Your wife used you, see the situation for what it is. Your far better off this happening now than after kids are involved. It's hurts but stick to the 180 and toss the hope out the window.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

You are lucky she left you NOW. She was talking to or thinking about her XH before she left you. Forget about her. She most likely married you to get away from her controlling mother. It worked for a while, until she went back to what she knew and grew up knowing, which was someone controlling her life.

Best wishes with getting some money from the x-employer. Take the money if you get any and go back to your home country.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I truly do not understand these type of OP's. They absolutely refuse to accept that when they are told that is over...it is over. Why do you continue on this path? Why can't you accept that it's over? Where is your self-worth as a man and move on. In my life's experiences as man, when I've been told is over I've had taken it as an immediate act of cessation of all communications with the other person and moved on, no matters how I'd feel at the moment. But always with my pride intact.


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