# wanting my husand back



## winkie (Feb 9, 2016)

so it has been 2 weeks that my husband left our home. but it started months ago of fighting, me finding out he was texting another woman I know, him resenting me for things that happed in the past that I wasn't aware of. he said I stopped caring, being upstanding and supportive. we also have a 4 year old and he works 24 hours a day on and off everyday. I did act out with so many emotions in the past 4 months even asking him to leave at times when I truly never wanted him to but now he decided he has had enough an left. he says that he is lost and has no hope right now. he says he loves me and our child but doesn't know if he can ever be here with us again. He does what he needs to for our child and still helps me pay the bills. He didnt fully move out, he didn't take everything because he only has a place to sleep, no shower or a way to wash his clothes. I have been so emotional and texting, calling and showing up to his work. I am a mess but Im trying to calm down. want him back so bad but Im not sure what to do. Today was an ok day, he can home to see our child, he ate dinner with us and did a few things before he left. what do I do how do I try to reconnect with someone who is lost and not sure if this marriage is right. please help


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have taken all the blame for this but it is not your fault, you sensed that he was pulling away and in typical female fashion you pursued him, threatened him, etc (many of us have done this). Your H is not blameless, he was obviously getting attention from elsewhere which puts him the wrong, no matter how bad things were between you he should not be getting involved with an OW. A man of integrity will face the problems in the marriage. I suspect he is using your behaviour as a smoke screen to pursue this OW and is now confused.

You have to stop chasing him, pleading with him, etc it is not attractive and push him in the opposite direction. I know it is very difficult emotionally and everything within you wants to reach out to him and make him see sense but that is not going to work. You have to do what may seem counter intuitive to you.

1. Do the 180 (try different steps every day till you perfect it) and go completely dark on him, no contact, no visiting him, no begging, pleading, nothing
2. This will be tough, fill your days with activities, friends, family etc
3. Tell your and his family and friends he has moved out, tell them about the OW and what you suspect, do not cover for him, make it difficult for him to cover his bad behaviour
4. Get yourself some IC to help you and surround yourself with a few close but supportive friends who will be there for you
5. Live as if you are taking him at his word and you are moving on with your life
6. Get yourself a lawyer and see what your options are, do not be afraid to tell him you are doing this 
7. Tell him you believe that he wants to move on and that is up to him, you will consider MC but you will not wait forever
8. Tell him to take the rest of his stuff and move out completely, that you will not hang in limbo while he makes up his mind, you are much more valuable that that. Be nice, sincere and gentle but firm.
9 Do not believe anything he tells you, he may well be having a test run with the OW and if it doesn't work out come running back to you, please do not make it easy for him because any man who is not ready to face up to problems in the home and runs away will do it again to get his way.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Expose the affair, Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Then the 180:

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

winkie said:


> so it has been 2 weeks that my husband left our home. but* it started months ago of fighting, me finding out he was texting another woman I know, him resenting me for things that happed in the past that I wasn't aware of*. then i don't blame you for jumping his butt and raising hel! that is the normal, correct response and he earned it. *he said I stopped caring, being upstanding and supportive*. well somebody forgot to tell him that when there are problems in marriage, you communicate, set boundaries, or in extreme cases, set ultimatums, you don't have an affair. maybe he missed that class during marriage preparation. an affair is the cowards way. did you ever tell him he is a coward? maybe someone should have, not you but his family or a close friend. * we also have a 4 year old* that makes it that much worse. he is violating not just his vows to you, but his jeopardizing child's future and well being and he works 24 hours a day on and off everyday. I did act out with so many emotions in the past 4 months even asking him to leave at times when I truly never wanted him to but now he decided he has had enough an left. he says that he is lost and has no hope right now. *he says he loves me and our child but doesn't know if he can ever be here with us again*. that's not real love, unless you made it absolutely unbearable for him. only you know the answer to that. He does what he needs to for our child and still helps me pay the bills. He didnt fully move out, he didn't take everything because he only has a place to sleep, no shower or a way to wash his clothes. I have been so emotional and texting, calling and showing up to his work. I am a mess but Im trying to calm down. want him back so bad but Im not sure what to do. Today was an ok day, he can home to see our child, he ate dinner with us and did a few things before he left. what do I do how do I try to reconnect with someone who is lost and not sure if this marriage is right. please help


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

He is acting very predictably when someone has given emotional energy to another individual. In his mind, he has someone that is perfect and he has all these memories of the bad moments with you. His attention is not focused upon the moment, it is focused on the negative.

Become a self-happy individual and REFUSE to eat his emotional garbage. He will be forced to suffer his own garbage. Many feel that they have to punish a cheater or someone that leaves them. Its very misguided! Doing so gives them justification for their actions. If you want to punish him, then let him suffer HIS choices. He benefits by you needing him or wanting him. He benefits from the conflict that may erupt. Let him see that you are fine with or without him and he will suffer incredible inner turmoil. When you witness the change, let it happen. Just as you don't beg or plead for him...... don't let him beg or plead for you.

You are facing some depressing moments, so distract yourself, stay busy and do things you have always enjoyed. It does work.

Good Luck.


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