# Is this really the end?



## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

I have been married for 15 years and my spouse one day tells me he is moving out and wants a divorce. I was blindsided - sure we had some issues, and the pandemic didn't help the situation, but I was shocked.

My spouse moved out about 2 months ago. We have an elementary school aged child.

I was the one who ended up contacting the attorney and we signed papers. I signed because he is firm on divorce. I cried the entire time I initialed the forms. 

I just want my spouse back. I love this person. I am simply unsure how to fix this. Divorce is a mistake in my eyes (and heart). Can this be saved?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Check the cell phone records before you get too tearful over him.


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

Everyone I know, or who I have talked to has hinted an affair could be the reason. He was very distant and on the phone all hours before his abrupt departure. 

He tells me it is his anger with me. Yes we have had some pretty bad months. I do suspect an emotional affair - but not a sexual one. 

He kept telling me he thought I wanted this divorce.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maren997 said:


> Everyone I know, or who I have talked to has hinted an affair could be the reason. He was very distant and on the phone all hours before his abrupt departure.
> 
> He tells me it is his anger with me. Yes we have had some pretty bad months. I do suspect an emotional affair - but not a sexual one.
> 
> He kept telling me he thought I wanted this divorce.


He will spin it as your fault..... they all do. With that said the phone behavior is a big red flag. It is very common to hear the betrayed spouse say that


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

This is all very cliché. And seeing other posts - a very common theme.

I truly do not want a divorce. I have had time to reflect and I just want him to come home. I know that may seem odd given his abrubt disappearance and questionable behavior. Bottom line is I want to save this. 

I see others in my position have felt this way too. But you can't just give up on a 20 year relationship without a fight.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maren997 said:


> Everyone I know, or who I have talked to has hinted an affair could be the reason. He was very distant and on the phone all hours before his abrupt departure.
> 
> He tells me it is his anger with me. Yes we have had some pretty bad months. I do suspect an emotional affair - but not a sexual one.
> 
> He kept telling me he thought I wanted this divorce.


I am very sorry for you and for your child. You both must be devastated.
Being on the phone all hours almost certainly means another woman. If only he wasnt such a coward and could have at least been honest with you.
Its not anger with you, its him cheating. Cheaters will always blame their partner. 
Just tell him that you know he has another lady. He will deny it of course.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maren997 said:


> This is all very cliché. And seeing other posts - a very common theme.
> 
> I truly do not want a divorce. I have had time to reflect and I just want him to come home. I know that may seem odd given his abrubt disappearance and questionable behavior. Bottom line is I want to save this.
> 
> I see others in my position have felt this way too. But you can't just give up on a 20 year relationship without a fight.


Unless he is willing to try and make the marriage work there isnt much you can do. Is there anyway you can delay the divorce? You maybe made a mistake starting the divorce when you didnt even want it, however thats happened now. Do you know where he has moved to? Or who the OW may be?
Men rarely move out in that way unless they have a woman to go to. Does he come and see your child, I hope so.


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

I am the petitioner. The attorney has modified the CS agreement (which I need him to sign), papers have not been filed yet. Sort of a delay I suppose. Everything is uncontested and once filed, we are divorced in 30 days.


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I am very sorry for you and for your child. She must be devastated.
> Being on the phone all hours almost cerainly means another woman. If only he wasnt such a coward and could have at least been honest with you.
> Its not anger with you, its him cheating. Cheaters will always blame their partner.
> Just tell him that you know he has another lady. He will deny it of course.


I did confront him - and there is a woman he has been talking to about our divorce. He says they are "friends". Maybe they are, maybe it's more. He won't tell me if it's the latter


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Unless he is willing to try and make the marriage work there isnt much you can do. Is there anyway you can delay the divorce? You maybe made a mistake starting the divorce when you didnt even want it, however thats happened now. Do you know where he has moved to? Or who the OW may be?
> Men rarely move out in that way unless they have a woman to go to. Does he come and see your child, I hope so.


He is staying with a friend, whom I have only ever met in passing. He has spent time with our son. He loves this child. He was the at-home caregiver, while I worked.
Not entirely sure about OW, but I know he had questioned the no-cohabiation clause in the child agreement.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maren997 said:


> He is staying with a friend, whom I have only ever met in passing. He has spent time with our son. He loves this child. He was the at-home caregiver, while I worked.
> Not entirely sure about OW, but I know he had questioned the no-cohabiation clause in the child agreement.


All the signs are that there is someone else. Calling her a friend is just a cover.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maren997 said:


> I am the petitioner. The attorney has modified the CS agreement (which I need him to sign), papers have not been filed yet. Sort of a delay I suppose. Everything is uncontested and once filed, we are divorced in 30 days.


Can you legally stop it if you want to?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You cannot fix this until you have all the facts. Lets say he is having an affair - that makes him a liar and a cheat. Lets say he is having an affair with a married woman. He is now destroying two families. Lets say that this has been going on for some time - this means he is emotionally connected to her in a meaningful way i.e. this is not just some fling or opportunistic sex. Now, if this were true would you still want a lying, cheating, amoral/immoral person who does not care for you back? Think long and hard about that. 

And if the answer is still yes, then the first thing you need to do is get yourself some individual counselling to find out why you would still want him back? What is it you are afraid of or are you just codependent? You need to sort your fears and inadequacies out first.

Next, once you have all the facts and your have managed to understand why you feel that you need him and if you still want to go ahead and get him back (for whatever reason), then he needs to know that you know and he needs to feel the consequences of what he has done before you have any chance of getting him back and on the right terms (boundaries, remorse, transparency etc).

So now you understand why you need to find the truth out? You already strongly suspect that he is in an emotional affair. Find out with whom? Find out if they have a spouse and tell them (expose the affair). This is the only way to wake your "husband" up and make him smell the roses.

And you can bet your bottom dollar that if there is an affair (and I strongly believe that there is), it has gone physical. Nobody just ups and leaves and trashes a family without sampling the other goods first.

So...

Protect yourself financially etc (lawyer up).
Start snooping to find out what he has been up to (mouth shut, eyes open). Save any evidence you find so that he cannot find it.
Get yourself into therapy.
Do the 180 which I think you might be doing anyway.
Get yourself physically fit.


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Can you legally stop it if you want to?


Yes. Since I served him, I can stop this. I can rescind the agreement and proceedings.


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> You cannot fix this until you have all the facts. Lets say he is having an affair - that makes him a liar and a cheat. Lets say he is having an affair with a married woman. He is now destroying two families. Lets say that this has been going on for some time - this means he is emotionally connected to her in a meaningful way i.e. this is not just some fling or opportunistic sex. Now, if this were true would you still want a lying, cheating, amoral/immoral person who does not care for you back? Think long and hard about that.
> 
> And if the answer is still yes, then the first thing you need to do is get yourself some individual counselling to find out why you would still want him back? What is it you are afraid of or are you just codependent? You need to sort your fears and inadequacies out first.
> 
> ...


Yes - it all smells like an affair for sure. I have had him sign papers. He agreed to let me have everything. So I am protected there. I quickly also got myself into therapy, and joined the gym. 
What is the 180?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maren997 said:


> Yes. Since I served him, I can stop this. I can rescind the agreement and proceedings.


Is that worth a try? As has been said though, you really need to find out what is happening before you can make an informed decision. 
Hiring a PI may help you find out if he is physically cheating as well as emotionally.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maren997 said:


> Yes - it all smells like an affair for sure. I have had him sign papers. He agreed to let me have everything. So I am protected there. I quickly also got myself into therapy, and joined the gym.
> What is the 180?


That's interesting that he has let you have everything, but good that you and the child are protected. Could be due to him having another woman/ home to go to. I mean he isn't even working so what would he live on other wise and where would he live long term?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Maren997 said:


> What is the 180?











The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So he said he wanted a divorce and moved out, then turned around and tried to blame you ‘I thought you wanted this’ when you actually did what he asked? 

I think that you should proceed, and grieve and gather your supports. It’s not going to be easy but it seems like he took the cowards way out


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## Maren997 (May 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is that worth a try? As has been said though, you really need to find out what is happening before you can make an informed decision.
> Hiring a PI may help you find out if he is physically cheating as well as emotionally.


I did reach out to a PI. Knowing if this is really happening would change my tune and definately get the lawyer to send the papers to the judge.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Definitely go cold. Fighting for your marriage is one thing, but you’ll have more luck with the 180 and not engaging whatsoever. Let him bear the consequences of his decision, don’t be the reason for someone’s unhappiness. Grieve privately, don’t let him see it. Let him see a new blissful you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Maren997 said:


> I did reach out to a PI. Knowing if this is really happening would change my tune and definately get the lawyer to send the papers to the judge.


Look, no one here knows for your if your husband is having a physical affair. All we can do is evaluate what you tell us and compare and contrast that information with similar situations we have seen over and over again. With that qualifier, I think it's fair to say that there is a 98% chance your husband is having an affair. Do yourself a favor and act accordingly. All of the signs are there. He's not even being creative with his excuses.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Can somebody point Maren to the 180 please. Maren, the 180 is a list of things that you should do for your own (mental) healing - it may appear at first to be detaching from him but its more than that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

manfromlamancha said:


> Can somebody point Maren to the 180 please. Maren, the 180 is a list of things that you should do for your own (mental) healing - it may appear at first to be detaching from him but its more than that.











The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He may well be back when his ***** doesn't work out.

Then you can have your marriage back knowing you're plan B and you won a piece of garbage. Why would you fight for garbage?

Is that what you want? Think about it carefully....even if he did come back there's a good chance he'll be gone once he finds another replacement. You're still in shock so I understand...as you process this it will become clear that he's not that great of a deal.

One more thing.....nobody blows up a marriage over a "friend" . He's been screwing her for a while. They always lie about when they actually got involved with their side piece because they don't want anyone to know they're a piece of crap.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t expect him to tell you the complete truth about her because it doesn’t benefit him to do that.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You want him back because you are feeling from the shock, pain, and his very sudden just done attitude. He has been detached from you much longer. 

Make no mistake, you have been replaced. No one leaves a marriage without trying to work things out first, unless they built a nest with their second chance at love. (Under gag me emoji here).

It has been physical. It's just the nature of the beast dear. Your brain spins in disbelief. I hear you loud and clear. Mine still spins at times and he left and cheated at the end of 2004! It now spins in disbelief because I can't understand how such a brilliant man could be such an emotional retard. I never saw it coming in 21 years of marriage and 3 dating. Time has showed me the truth. Time and lots of it will help you get through this. You will also in time realize that your love was not reciprocated in the same degree. You kept your vows and love for him alive regardless of problems or bumps in the marriage road. He failed in his half of the marriage promise to forsake and love you above all others. 

He is a selfish man. Elevated another woman above you and his child. He is not worth much. You just can't see it yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Maren997 

Several questions for you 

1) He was a Stay at home dad?
2) If so, were you and he happy about that?
3) Did someone (even in jest) rag on him for being a SAHD?
4) He was angry with you? If so, why?
5) Is there another woman?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Maren997 said:


> I have been married for 15 years and my spouse one day tells me he is moving out and wants a divorce. I was blindsided - sure we had some issues, and the pandemic didn't help the situation, but I was shocked.
> 
> My spouse moved out about 2 months ago. We have an elementary school aged child.
> 
> ...


he has another one on the side already. You should have made it difficult for him and not initiated the divorce, make him work for it.
Go completely no contact, get your own IC. get support of your family and friends to help you through this time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Maren997 said:


> This is all very cliché. And seeing other posts - a very common theme.
> 
> I truly do not want a divorce. I have had time to reflect and I just want him to come home. I know that may seem odd given his abrubt disappearance and questionable behavior. Bottom line is I want to save this.
> 
> I see others in my position have felt this way too. But you can't just give up on a 20 year relationship without a fight.


You cannot save a marriage if only one person whats to save it. You have to start looking at your future without him. Sitting pining for a man who refused to be an adult and discuss your marriage before walking out is not helping you. Please get yourself some IC so that you can get over the POS


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have a signed paper that says you can have everything. If you don’t divorce your going to regret it when you have to fight for what you want.
As a man I can tell you that a signed paper like that means “I know I’m guilty so can you just get out of my life as soon as possible”

The ball is in your court...... don’t choke.


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